theonion--2020-10-16--YouTuber’s Third Video An Announcement Regarding Changes To Channel Moving Forward

KINGSTON , NY—Midway into the opening segment for his electronics review series , YouTuber Mark_Circuits told viewers of his third @ @ @ @ @ an announcement regarding some changes to the channel moving forward .
“ Hey guys , @ @ @ @ @ get into things , I wanted to tell you about some big plans on the @ @ @ @ @ YouTuber to an estimated total of 47 viewers , stressing that despite the significant amount @ @ @ @ @ gotten about his nine-minute impressions on the Pixel Buds and Apple HomePod , he had @ @ @ @ @ loud and clear ” and would be tweaking his format in response .
“ Obviously @ @ @ @ @ grateful to those of you who have been following us through the first three days @ @ @ @ @ thoughts .
So get ready for a pretty serious shake-up when I come back next @ @ @ @ @ to like and subscribe to find out more.
” At press time , 90 % @ @ @ @ @ audience had abandoned it immediately after watching the announcement .

KINGSTON, NY—Midway into the opening segment for his electronics review series, YouTuber Mark_Circuits told viewers of his third video Friday that he had an announcement regarding some changes to the channel moving forward. “Hey guys, thanks for tuning in—before we get into things, I wanted to tell you about some big plans on the horizon,” said the YouTuber to an estimated total of 47 viewers, stressing that despite the significant amount of positive feedback he had gotten about his nine-minute impressions on the Pixel Buds and Apple HomePod, he had also heard the criticism “loud and clear” and would be tweaking his format in response. “Obviously, I’m really grateful to those of you who have been following us through the first three days and letting me know your thoughts. So get ready for a pretty serious shake-up when I come back next week, and make sure to like and subscribe to find out more.” At press time, 90% of the show’s audience had abandoned it immediately after watching the announcement.


theonion--2020-10-16--Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year

Man Cannot For The Life Of Him Understand Why Wife Enjoys TV Show Marketed Toward Married 30-50-Year-Old Women

TAOS , NM—Admitting that he “ didn ’ t get the hype ” over the serialized drama , local man @ @ @ @ @ he could not for the life of him understand why his wife , Lauren , @ @ @ @ @ toward married women between the ages of 30 and 50 .
“ What does she @ @ @ @ @ of women in her age range ?
” said Sharp , who shook his head @ @ @ @ @ s experiences artfully depicted on screen .
“ I just don ’ t get it— @ @ @ @ @ drivel specifically formulated to make a woman of her age feel calm and shut her @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ve tried showing her an actual drama about difficult men arguing with each @ @ @ @ @ ’ t like it .
This show doesn ’ t even have a real plot @ @ @ @ @ are just like her and her friends.
” At press time , Sharp had finally @ @ @ @ @ to watch a cartoon marketed toward 5- to 10-year-olds .

TAOS, NM—Admitting that he “didn’t get the hype” over the serialized drama, local man Connor Sharp revealed Friday that he could not for the life of him understand why his wife, Lauren, enjoys a television show marketed toward married women between the ages of 30 and 50. “What does she see in this obnoxious group of women in her age range?” said Sharp, who shook his head while watching his wife’s experiences artfully depicted on screen. “I just don’t get it— how can she watch this drivel specifically formulated to make a woman of her age feel calm and shut her brain off for once? I’ve tried showing her an actual drama about difficult men arguing with each other, but she didn’t like it. This show doesn’t even have a real plot, and the two-dimensional characters are just like her and her friends.” At press time, Sharp had finally regained control of the television to watch a cartoon marketed toward 5- to 10-year-olds.


theonion--2020-10-16--Nation’s Independent Bookstore Owners Announce They Don’t Have It In Stock But Would Be Happy To Ord

Nation’s Independent Bookstore Owners Announce They Don’t Have It In Stock But Would Be Happy To Order It In For You

SAN FRANCISCO—After frowning at a screen for a full five minutes , the nation ’ s independent bookstore owners announced at a press conference Friday they unfortunately did not have that specific title in stock but would be more than happy to order it for you .
“ I ’ m afraid that one isn ’ t on our shelves right now ; however , it is in print and , according to the information I have here , usually ships from the publisher within two to three weeks , ” said 49-year-old James Lasalle , who , in unison @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bookstores across the United States , reportedly muttered to himself for quite some time before looking up to explain that it was important for him to check on the computer in case the volume you asked about had simply been reshelved incorrectly by a careless browser .
“ If you want to give me your full name , address , phone number , email , and payment information , I can get started on your request and make sure it goes out with the batch of orders we ’ re placing next Wednesday @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could interest you in the new Jodi Picoult ?
There ’ s a stack on the table right behind you.
” At press time , sources confirmed the nation ’ s customers had placed the order with their independent bookstore and , just a few hours later , had grown impatient , broken down , and purchased a copy from an online retailer with next-day shipping .

SAN FRANCISCO—After frowning at a screen for a full five minutes, the nation’s independent bookstore owners announced at a press conference Friday they unfortunately did not have that specific title in stock but would be more than happy to order it for you. “I’m afraid that one isn’t on our shelves right now; however, it is in print and, according to the information I have here, usually ships from the publisher within two to three weeks,” said 49-year-old James Lasalle, who, in unison with his 2,500 fellow operators of independent bookstores across the United States, reportedly muttered to himself for quite some time before looking up to explain that it was important for him to check on the computer in case the volume you asked about had simply been reshelved incorrectly by a careless browser. “If you want to give me your full name, address, phone number, email, and payment information, I can get started on your request and make sure it goes out with the batch of orders we’re placing next Wednesday. In the meantime, maybe I could interest you in the new Jodi Picoult? There’s a stack on the table right behind you.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s customers had placed the order with their independent bookstore and, just a few hours later, had grown impatient, broken down, and purchased a copy from an online retailer with next-day shipping.


theonion--2020-10-16--L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus

L ’ Oréal ’ s new FaceSmash collection guarantees not to blotch or smear even after you ’ ve been @ @ @ @ @ hauling ass down the highway .
But is it too good to be true ?
@ @ @ @ @ generation of creators .
Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

L’Oréal’s new FaceSmash collection guarantees not to blotch or smear even after you’ve been pancaked by a 20-ton bus hauling ass down the highway. But is it too good to be true?
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theonion--2020-10-16--The Case For And Against Confirming Amy Coney Barrett

Amy Coney Barrett , President Trump ’ s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by the death of Ruth @ @ @ @ @ controversy in Washington over both her beliefs and the legitimacy of her appointment .
The @ @ @ @ @ and against confirming Barrett for the Supreme Court .
Was able to name most of @ @ @ @ @ amendment .
Brings the wealth of judicial experience that only three years on the job @ @ @ @ @ fair to let Republicans control at least one branch of government for foreseeable future .
@ @ @ @ @ judicial decisions based on all the things she believes and has promised to uphold .
@ @ @ @ @ got infected at her nomination for nothing .
Potentially inappropriate to appoint justices right before @ @ @ @ @ Judge Amy Coney Barrett in 2016 .
Will inspire Catholic women all over the country @ @ @ @ @ with whole wretched farce in first place .

Amy Coney Barrett, President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court seat vacated by the death of Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has driven controversy in Washington over both her beliefs and the legitimacy of her appointment. The Onion presents the case for and against confirming Barrett for the Supreme Court.
Case For Confirming Barrett:
Was able to name most of the protections under the first amendment.
Brings the wealth of judicial experience that only three years on the job can provide.
Mentored by Ginsburg’s longtime friend and colleague Antonin Scalia.
Seems only fair to let Republicans control at least one branch of government for foreseeable future.
Has promised not to make judicial decisions based on all the things she believes and has promised to uphold.
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Case Against Confirming Barrett:


theonion--2020-10-19--CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama

Hear why top health officials now believe most of the 200,000 fatalities in the U.S. can be attributed to violent @ @ @ @ @ our nation ’ s 44th president .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

Hear why top health officials now believe most of the 200,000 fatalities in the U.S. can be attributed to violent underlying conditions brought on by our nation’s 44th president.
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theonion--2020-10-19--Ikea Introduces Buyback Program In 27 Countries

Swedish retailer Ikea has announced a new buyback program where customers can receive store credit for their used furniture in @ @ @ @ @ , though Ikea stores in the United States will not be participating .
What do @ @ @ @ @ does seem a lot easier than making better furniture.
” “ Buyback schemes like this @ @ @ @ @ Flärdfull without helping the workers.
” “ How much will they give me for a @ @ @ @ @ ?
”

Swedish retailer Ikea has announced a new buyback program where customers can receive store credit for their used furniture in an effort to fight overconsumption, though Ikea stores in the United States will not be participating. What do you think?
“This does seem a lot easier than making better furniture.” Melissa Stunt, Nitrogen Tank Refiller
“Buyback schemes like this only inflate the price of Flärdfull without helping the workers.” Tim Prestage, Wart Remover
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theonion--2020-10-19--States See Record-Breaking Turnout For Early Voting

Over 26 million Americans have already cast ballots for the 2020 election , more than six times the number that @ @ @ @ @ 2016 , which experts say is driven by voter enthusiasm as well as concerns about @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?

Over 26 million Americans have already cast ballots for the 2020 election, more than six times the number that voted by this time in 2016, which experts say is driven by voter enthusiasm as well as concerns about the pandemic and mail-in voting. What do you think?
“Inspiring to see so many Americans absolutely scared to death.” Tim Heffelfinger • Wine Label Applicator
“I’ll probably wait until the rush dies down after Election Day.” Bernadette Stern • Regular Scientist
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theonion--2020-10-19--Woman At Breaking Point In Marriage To Give Relationship Until End Of Her Life

FORT COLLINS , CO—Counseling herself that she could only bear recurring feelings of impatience and estrangement toward her spouse for so long , Olivia McGowan told reporters Monday that after hitting her breaking point , she planned to give the relationship until the end of her life .
“ Honestly , I ’ ve gotten to the point where I can only stand being with Rob for another 40 or 50 years before I just tell him things aren ’ t working out , ” said McGowan , noting that while she had initially brushed off the growing apathy she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now understood that she could only give him 500 or 600 chances to make amends before conceding things were finally over .
“ Frankly , it makes me a lot happier to have a deadline .
That way , if I ’ m 94 and lying on my deathbed—bam , I know I ’ m out of this relationship .
It won ’ t be easy , but it ’ ll be the right thing to do if things don ’ t turn around by the time I take my last breath.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at reconciliation had forced McGowan to reconsider and suggest that she would wait until her husband contracted a terminal disease to begin divorce proceedings .

FORT COLLINS, CO—Counseling herself that she could only bear recurring feelings of impatience and estrangement toward her spouse for so long, Olivia McGowan told reporters Monday that after hitting her breaking point, she planned to give the relationship until the end of her life. “Honestly, I’ve gotten to the point where I can only stand being with Rob for another 40 or 50 years before I just tell him things aren’t working out,” said McGowan, noting that while she had initially brushed off the growing apathy she felt while with her husband, she now understood that she could only give him 500 or 600 chances to make amends before conceding things were finally over. “Frankly, it makes me a lot happier to have a deadline. That way, if I’m 94 and lying on my deathbed—bam, I know I’m out of this relationship. It won’t be easy, but it’ll be the right thing to do if things don’t turn around by the time I take my last breath.” At press time, a flimsy attempt at reconciliation had forced McGowan to reconsider and suggest that she would wait until her husband contracted a terminal disease to begin divorce proceedings.


theonion--2020-10-19--NASA Builds 4G Tower On Moon Tastefully Disguised As Pine Tree

WASHINGTON— Sharing impressive first images of the newly installed network , NASA officials confirmed Monday they had built a 4G @ @ @ @ @ disguised as a pine tree .
“ It ’ s a little taller than any @ @ @ @ @ growing on the moon , but we ’ re still confident it will blend right @ @ @ @ @ administrator Jim Bridenstine , who explained the 150-foot cellular tower would aid the agency ’ @ @ @ @ @ sustained presence on the celestial body without compromising the lunar landscape ’ s natural beauty @ @ @ @ @ as realistic as any conifer you could expect to see on a stroll across the @ @ @ @ @ antennae have been concealed by lifelike plastic branches and finely manicured acrylic pines needles .
@ @ @ @ @ good .
It ’ s actually quite classy.
” Bridenstine added the administration would also @ @ @ @ @ to the top of the tower to scare away pigeons .

WASHINGTON— Sharing impressive first images of the newly installed network, NASA officials confirmed Monday they had built a 4G tower on the moon tastefully disguised as a pine tree. “It’s a little taller than any other trees that would be growing on the moon, but we’re still confident it will blend right in,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, who explained the 150-foot cellular tower would aid the agency’s goal of establishing a sustained presence on the celestial body without compromising the lunar landscape’s natural beauty. “It’s as realistic as any conifer you could expect to see on a stroll across the moon. All those ugly antennae have been concealed by lifelike plastic branches and finely manicured acrylic pines needles. These professional designers are really good. It’s actually quite classy.” Bridenstine added the administration would also affix a replica bald eagle to the top of the tower to scare away pigeons.


theonion--2020-10-19--Therapist Knows This Whole Goddamn Gravy Train Of Clients Ends Second Vaccine Announced

LYSANDER , NY—Recognizing that the gushing fountain of easy money wouldn ’ t last forever , local therapist Rob Wetzel confided to reporters Monday that he knows this whole goddamn gravy train of clients will end the second a coronavirus vaccine is announced .
“ Sure , I ’ m cleaning up on nodding along to these depressed shut-ins over Zoom right now , but as soon as a cure comes out and people can leave home again , I might actually have to go back to doing some real therapy for a living , ” said Wetzel , adding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus pandemic started and he ’ s been able to upcharge new clients for their sessions without leaving his couch .
“ It ’ s hard not to break into a grin when these people are talking about how hard it is to be stuck at home with nothing to do but work and watch TV , and meanwhile the only stressful thing in my life is figuring out how big of a new house I can buy .
I just click from one session to the next , and who can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
This is the easiest money I ’ ve ever made .
But once the vaccine is over , these clients aren ’ t going to stick around , and this whole fucking goldmine will be tapped out.
” Wetzel added that he was trying not to get his hopes up that a vaccine wouldn ’ t be released until late 2021 and he ’ d have time to milk the therapy cash cow for a boat .

LYSANDER, NY—Recognizing that the gushing fountain of easy money wouldn’t last forever, local therapist Rob Wetzel confided to reporters Monday that he knows this whole goddamn gravy train of clients will end the second a coronavirus vaccine is announced. “Sure, I’m cleaning up on nodding along to these depressed shut-ins over Zoom right now, but as soon as a cure comes out and people can leave home again, I might actually have to go back to doing some real therapy for a living,” said Wetzel, adding that his savings account has tripled since the coronavirus pandemic started and he’s been able to upcharge new clients for their sessions without leaving his couch. “It’s hard not to break into a grin when these people are talking about how hard it is to be stuck at home with nothing to do but work and watch TV, and meanwhile the only stressful thing in my life is figuring out how big of a new house I can buy. I just click from one session to the next, and who can even tell the difference between these people? This is the easiest money I’ve ever made. But once the vaccine is over, these clients aren’t going to stick around, and this whole fucking goldmine will be tapped out.” Wetzel added that he was trying not to get his hopes up that a vaccine wouldn’t be released until late 2021 and he’d have time to milk the therapy cash cow for a boat.


theonion--2020-10-19--Trump Attempts To Soften Image Before Election By Adopting Dead Dog

WASHINGTON—Flopping the putrescent animal carcass down in the Oval Office with an introduction of “ call him whatever you want , I don ’ t care , ” President Donald Trump announced Monday that the first family had a new member , a dead dog reportedly adopted to soften his image before e lection d ay .
“ I saw this on the side of the road and I told the Secret Service , ‘ Stop the motorcade , that ’ s it , that ’ s a brilliant idea , it ’ s gon na be perfect , ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ear to lift up the limp , withered remains of the golden retriever , allowing the media to capture a few images of the deceased canine before its ear tore away , its body fell at his feet , and its head rolled down a limestone walkway in a puddle of blood and brain matter .
“ That ’ s good , lie down .
And stay down , okay ?
They say if you want a friend in Washington , get one of these—of course , I have friends already , so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ anyway .
Here ’ s a dog .
Everyone says this breed is very loyal , so we ’ ll see , we ’ ll see .
Could become the best dog any president has ever had .
I ’ m told it has a great pedigree , and I ’ m expecting great things.
” At press time , Trump was seen kicking the dead dog ’ s head down the West Wing Colonnade after internal polling showed its approval rating was higher than his .

WASHINGTON—Flopping the putrescent animal carcass down in the Oval Office with an introduction of “call him whatever you want, I don’t care,” President Donald Trump announced Monday that the first family had a new member, a dead dog reportedly adopted to soften his image before e lection d ay. “I saw this on the side of the road and I told the Secret Service, ‘Stop the motorcade, that’s it, that’s a brilliant idea, it’s gonna be perfect,’” said Trump as he grabbed an ear to lift up the limp, withered remains of the golden retriever, allowing the media to capture a few images of the deceased canine before its ear tore away, its body fell at his feet, and its head rolled down a limestone walkway in a puddle of blood and brain matter. “That’s good, lie down. And stay down, okay? They say if you want a friend in Washington, get one of these—of course, I have friends already, so many friends, but here it is anyway. Here’s a dog. Everyone says this breed is very loyal, so we’ll see, we’ll see. Could become the best dog any president has ever had. I’m told it has a great pedigree, and I’m expecting great things.” At press time, Trump was seen kicking the dead dog’s head down the West Wing Colonnade after internal polling showed its approval rating was higher than his.


theonion--2020-10-19--Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years

KANSAS CITY—Despite engaging frequently with the world through watching TV , browsing social media , and conversing with coworkers , local man Jonathan Huston has not heard or read a single true thing in the past six years , sources confirmed Monday .
Those close to Huston indicated that in spite of—or , perhaps , because of—his near daily use of platforms such as Facebook and Twitter and calls to close family stretching back to 2014 , the local electrician not only has heard tens of thousands of patently untrue statements , conspiracy theories , and outright lies about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and , indeed , the very universe within which he resides , but actually frames his worldview explicitly around such complete fabrications .
In fact , beyond absorbing a tidal wave of untruths spanning culture , politics , science , his social network , and dozens of other vital topics while reading message boards , watching YouTube videos , and speaking with friends over the past 72 months , Huston reportedly also parrots such falsehood back to the world both online and in person by repeating false assertions about the risk level posed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s impending arrest , the quality of Taco Bell ’ s Quesarito , immigration rates , the beliefs of the average Republican voter , the enjoyability of the film The Lazarus Effect , Brett Gardner ’ s rumored trade to the Mets , quotes misattributed to Lyndon B. Johnson , the beliefs of the average Democratic voter , how effective trickle-down economics is in practice versus in theory , China ’ s role in causing the present coronavirus pandemic , who played bass guitar on Eric Clapton ’ s 1969 single “ Cold @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a crying infant , Thomas Edison ’ s role in executing an elephant , the functional importance of the Department of the Interior , the physical properties of glass , France ’ s current president ’ s name , the possible starting lineup of the Kansas City Royals in the upcoming ’ 21 season , and an untold number of other statements with zero basis in reality .
At press time , sources confirme d that Huston last encountered a factual piece of information in 2014 when a friend noted that Justin Timberlake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good .
”

KANSAS CITY—Despite engaging frequently with the world through watching TV, browsing social media, and conversing with coworkers, local man Jonathan Huston has not heard or read a single true thing in the past six years, sources confirmed Monday. Those close to Huston indicated that in spite of—or, perhaps, because of—his near daily use of platforms such as Facebook and Twitter and calls to close family stretching back to 2014, the local electrician not only has heard tens of thousands of patently untrue statements, conspiracy theories, and outright lies about the state of his country, world, and, indeed, the very universe within which he resides, but actually frames his worldview explicitly around such complete fabrications. In fact, beyond absorbing a tidal wave of untruths spanning culture, politics, science, his social network, and dozens of other vital topics while reading message boards, watching YouTube videos, and speaking with friends over the past 72 months, Huston reportedly also parrots such falsehood back to the world both online and in person by repeating false assertions about the risk level posed by climate change, the president’s impending arrest, the quality of Taco Bell’s Quesarito, immigration rates, the beliefs of the average Republican voter, the enjoyability of the film The Lazarus Effect, Brett Gardner’s rumored trade to the Mets, quotes misattributed to Lyndon B. Johnson, the beliefs of the average Democratic voter, how effective trickle-down economics is in practice versus in theory, China’s role in causing the present coronavirus pandemic, who played bass guitar on Eric Clapton’s 1969 single “Cold Turkey,” how to best quiet a crying infant, Thomas Edison’s role in executing an elephant, the functional importance of the Department of the Interior, the physical properties of glass, France’s current president’s name, the possible starting lineup of the Kansas City Royals in the upcoming ’ 21 season, and an untold number of other statements with zero basis in reality. At press time, sources confirme d that Huston last encountered a factual piece of information in 2014 when a friend noted that Justin Timberlake’s 20/20 Experience was “pretty good.”


theonion--2020-10-20--Report: Friends Don’t Really Think Of You As Part Of Group

Hear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don ’ t feel similarly at all .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why the people you thought you were closest with actually don’t feel similarly at all.
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theonion--2020-10-20--Jason Momoa Brings In Scene Double For Challenging Facial Expression

VANCOUVER , CANADA—Referring to his on-screen doppelgänger as a “ total badass , ” Jason Momoa , star of the forthcoming Aquaman 2 , told reporters Monday he and the film ’ s producers had brought in a scene double to help execute a particularly challenging facial expression required of his character .
“ I actually do a lot of my own acting , but when the script calls for something really tricky , it ’ s always best to call in a professional , ” said Momoa , whose agent confirmed the Teen Choice Award- nominated actor had long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Westwood to handle more complex emotions such as apprehension , remorse , or despair .
“ While I can manage a bit of glowering , or even fly into a rage , sometimes you have to think about what ’ s best for the production and say , ‘ Okay , these faces are really hard to make .
We need someone who ’ s trained for this sort of thing.
’ I first worked with Phil back on Game Of Thrones , when my character was supposed to be angry and in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was way too hard to do both .
You should see some of the feelings this guy can express—it ’ s wild.
” At press time , sources said production for Aquaman 2 had been delayed so Westwood could wrap up some acting work as John Cena ’ s scene double in Fast And Furious 9 .

VANCOUVER, CANADA—Referring to his on-screen doppelgänger as a “total badass,” Jason Momoa, star of the forthcoming Aquaman 2, told reporters Monday he and the film’s producers had brought in a scene double to help execute a particularly challenging facial expression required of his character. “I actually do a lot of my own acting, but when the script calls for something really tricky, it’s always best to call in a professional,” said Momoa, whose agent confirmed the Teen Choice Award-nominated actor had long relied on seasoned Hollywood scene double Phil Westwood to handle more complex emotions such as apprehension, remorse, or despair. “While I can manage a bit of glowering, or even fly into a rage, sometimes you have to think about what’s best for the production and say, ‘Okay, these faces are really hard to make. We need someone who’s trained for this sort of thing.’ I first worked with Phil back on Game Of Thrones, when my character was supposed to be angry and in love at the same time, and it was way too hard to do both. You should see some of the feelings this guy can express—it’s wild.” At press time, sources said production for Aquaman 2 had been delayed so Westwood could wrap up some acting work as John Cena’s scene double in Fast And Furious 9.


theonion--2020-10-20--Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 20, 2020

You ’ ll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse , but @ @ @ @ @ joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit .

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you’ll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.


theonion--2020-10-20--Zoo Awards Child Lifetime Membership For Helping Catch Lemur Thief

Five-year-old James Trinh has been awarded a lifetime membership to the San Francisco Zoo after he alerted his teacher to @ @ @ @ @ the school playground , leading to the animal ’ s recapture and the arrest of @ @ @ @ @ it from the zoo days before .
What do you think ?
“ Perhaps the @ @ @ @ @ to feed his hungry family.
” “ What good is a zoo membership when you @ @ @ @ @ lemur ?
” “ Does that little shithead have any idea how much lemurs go @ @ @ @ @ ?
”

Five-year-old James Trinh has been awarded a lifetime membership to the San Francisco Zoo after he alerted his teacher to a ring-tailed lemur running across the school playground, leading to the animal’s recapture and the arrest of the man suspected of abducting it from the zoo days before. What do you think?
“Perhaps the thief only stole that lemur to feed his hungry family.” Jordan Briley • Unemployed
“What good is a zoo membership when you’ve already seen the lemur?” Chelsea Moss • Warehouse Architect
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theonion--2020-10-20--TSA Screens Over 1 Million Passengers For First Time Since March

TSA screened over one million airline passengers on Sunday , the highest single day total since the pandemic began in @ @ @ @ @ overall is down 48 % compared to a year ago .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ I fly during a pandemic or my drink vouchers expire.
” “ After months of @ @ @ @ @ nice to be inconvenienced in a normal way again.
” “ I hope they at @ @ @ @ @ line .
“

TSA screened over one million airline passengers on Sunday, the highest single day total since the pandemic began in March, though air travel overall is down 48% compared to a year ago. What do you think?
“Well, either I fly during a pandemic or my drink vouchers expire.” Carol Hyslop • Systems Analyst
“After months of lockdowns, it’s nice to be inconvenienced in a normal way again.” Blake de Sena • Balladeer
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theonion--2020-10-20--ISIS Brat Hates Having To Keep Changing Schools Whenever Dad Gets New Deployment

HAMRIN MOUNTAINS , IRAQ—Exasperated by the stress of being constantly uprooted , ISIS brat Abu Hamza al-Ahmed confessed Tuesday he hates the ordeal of changing schools whenever his father , a commander in the Islamic State , receives a new deployment .
“ It really sucks , because right when I start to settle in and make friends , the caliphate gives my dad orders to move to a new country and eradicate the infidel from a whole different part of the world , ” said al-Ahmed , who predicted that his father would one day be a great martyr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the family , but complained that in the meantime he , at age 12 , had attended a dozen schools and never had any long-term friendships , let alone a girlfriend .
“ While the bombings are truly glorious , I just wish he ’ d stop every now and then to consider how destructive his job has been to my social life .
Sure , I ’ ve seen more places than most kids my age—Yemen , Somalia , Nigeria , you name it—but before I get a chance to really experience @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attack against the unbelievers and we ’ re rushed off to the next staging ground .
I ’ m just saying , some stability would be nice for once.
” At press time , al-Ahmed had locked himself in his room and refused to speak after being told his father had been reassigned to Washington , D.C .

HAMRIN MOUNTAINS, IRAQ—Exasperated by the stress of being constantly uprooted, ISIS brat Abu Hamza al-Ahmed confessed Tuesday he hates the ordeal of changing schools whenever his father, a commander in the Islamic State, receives a new deployment. “It really sucks, because right when I start to settle in and make friends, the caliphate gives my dad orders to move to a new country and eradicate the infidel from a whole different part of the world,” said al-Ahmed, who predicted that his father would one day be a great martyr to the cause and bring glory to the family, but complained that in the meantime he, at age 12, had attended a dozen schools and never had any long-term friendships, let alone a girlfriend. “While the bombings are truly glorious, I just wish he’d stop every now and then to consider how destructive his job has been to my social life. Sure, I’ve seen more places than most kids my age—Yemen, Somalia, Nigeria, you name it—but before I get a chance to really experience them, Dad carries out another righteous attack against the unbelievers and we’re rushed off to the next staging ground. I’m just saying, some stability would be nice for once.” At press time, al-Ahmed had locked himself in his room and refused to speak after being told his father had been reassigned to Washington, D.C.


theonion--2020-10-20--Cynical Man Knows Biden Election Won’t Actually Solve Fundamental Problem Of His Plantar Fasciitis

PHOENIX—Unwilling to entertain the idea of a brighter future , local cynic Kevin Schwertman confirmed Tuesday that he knew electing Joe Biden president wouldn ’ t actually solve the fundamental problem of his plantar fasciitis .
“ Look , I would love if Biden could wave a wand and put an end to my plantar fasciitis , but even if the Democrats manage to pull this election off , that ’ s not going to happen , ” said Schwertman , who explained that while he would cast his ballot for the Democratic nominee , the underlying inflammation in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too severe for one man to change .
“ Life under Trump hasn ’ t been easy , but if you look back to when Obama was president , I had heel pain then too .
Is Biden going to give me arch support ?
Ice my feet ?
Come over and stretch my calves ?
At the end of the day , it ’ s obvious I need special shoes.
” At press time , Schwertman added that even if he personally received orthopedics , there would still be millions of Americans @ @ @ @

PHOENIX—Unwilling to entertain the idea of a brighter future, local cynic Kevin Schwertman confirmed Tuesday that he knew electing Joe Biden president wouldn’t actually solve the fundamental problem of his plantar fasciitis. “Look, I would love if Biden could wave a wand and put an end to my plantar fasciitis, but even if the Democrats manage to pull this election off, that’s not going to happen,” said Schwertman, who explained that while he would cast his ballot for the Democratic nominee, the underlying inflammation in the tendons of his left foot was just too severe for one man to change. “Life under Trump hasn’t been easy, but if you look back to when Obama was president, I had heel pain then too. Is Biden going to give me arch support? Ice my feet? Come over and stretch my calves? At the end of the day, it’s obvious I need special shoes.” At press time, Schwertman added that even if he personally received orthopedics, there would still be millions of Americans without gel insoles.


theonion--2020-10-20--New Store Going To Have To Earn Place On Strip Mall Sign

CHICAGO—Saying the business was going to have to prove itself if it wants to hang with the big dogs , representatives of Imperial Garden Shopping Center confirmed Tuesday that Smith Optics , a new glasses store that just opened up , was going to have to earn its place on the strip mall ’ s roadside sign .
“ Whoa , whoa , whoa , you can ’ t just show up here and expect to be listed alongside Dollar Tree and E-Z Laundry , ” said strip mall manager Tony Mavros , explaining how the eyewear boutique was going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , sun-faded sign had a pecking order , at the top of which lies such giants as Discovery Clothing , Ross Dress For Less , and Forever Beauty .
“ You think you ’ re hot shit just because you sell glasses ?
Ross Dress For Less had to fight tooth and nail to get on there , and it ’ s not going to be any different for you , pal.
” Mavros added that it ’ s irrelevant that half of the shops listed on the sign are currently out of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to fucking bring it regardles s .

CHICAGO—Saying the business was going to have to prove itself if it wants to hang with the big dogs, representatives of Imperial Garden Shopping Center confirmed Tuesday that Smith Optics, a new glasses store that just opened up, was going to have to earn its place on the strip mall’s roadside sign. “Whoa, whoa, whoa, you can’t just show up here and expect to be listed alongside Dollar Tree and E-Z Laundry,” said strip mall manager Tony Mavros, explaining how the eyewear boutique was going to have to learn that the decaying, sun-faded sign had a pecking order, at the top of which lies such giants as Discovery Clothing, Ross Dress For Less, and Forever Beauty. “You think you’re hot shit just because you sell glasses? Ross Dress For Less had to fight tooth and nail to get on there, and it’s not going to be any different for you, pal.” Mavros added that it’s irrelevant that half of the shops listed on the sign are currently out of business, as Smith Optics will have to fucking bring it regardles s.


theonion--2020-10-20--New Stimulus Bill Would Require All Americans To Mail Government $1,200 Check

WASHINGTON—Members of Congress and the White House reportedly reached a deal Tuesday on a long-awaited new coronavirus stimulus bill that would require all Americans to mail the government a $ 1,200 check .
“ The new bipartisan legislation will go a long way toward helping Americans relieve the crippling economic effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. government , ” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin of the bill , adding that the Trump administration would begin mailing blank checks for people to fill out in the amount of $ 1,200 and return to the Federal Reserve as early as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also have provisions for any Americans making over $ 80,000 a year to send us a smaller check .
But there ’ s no getting around the fact that the economy is hurting , and the best way to help is by mandating that all Americans send money to senators and the Pentagon directly .
This was also a bipartisan effort , a compromise reached after Democrats wanted you to send $ 1,600 and Republicans wanted you to send $ 1,200 .
We hope that during this difficult time , all Americans will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their pocketbooks and into our hands.
” The stimulus bill also reportedly includes significant provisions targeted at helping small businesses close .

WASHINGTON—Members of Congress and the White House reportedly reached a deal Tuesday on a long-awaited new coronavirus stimulus bill that would require all Americans to mail the government a $1,200 check. “The new bipartisan legislation will go a long way toward helping Americans relieve the crippling economic effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. government,” said Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin of the bill, adding that the Trump administration would begin mailing blank checks for people to fill out in the amount of $1,200 and return to the Federal Reserve as early as next week. “This bill will also have provisions for any Americans making over $80,000 a year to send us a smaller check. But there’s no getting around the fact that the economy is hurting, and the best way to help is by mandating that all Americans send money to senators and the Pentagon directly. This was also a bipartisan effort, a compromise reached after Democrats wanted you to send $1,600 and Republicans wanted you to send $1,200. We hope that during this difficult time, all Americans will appreciate that extra $1,200 out of their pocketbooks and into our hands.” The stimulus bill also reportedly includes significant provisions targeted at helping small businesses close.


theonion--2020-10-21--Potential Candidates For Biden’s Cabinet

If elected president , Joe Biden can nominate up to 15 cabinet members to advise him on executive departments .
@ @ @ @ @ most rumored choices for Biden ’ s inner circle .
With his military background , @ @ @ @ @ Biden ’ s Mayor of Defense Already demonstrated loyalty to Biden by running a terrible @ @ @ @ @ In the running for several positions unless someone from the private sector is interested There @ @ @ @ @ Secretary candidate with more experience bombing Libya While homelessness and inequality have soared during his @ @ @ @ @ Angeles , serving as Transportation Secretary would allow him to fail on a much grander @ @ @ @ @ to be the frontrunner for First Lady The perfect vehicle for fulfilling Biden ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Republican Party Look , if it ain ’ t broke , don ’ t fix @ @ @ @ @ , one random citizen will be chosen to be Secretary of State , and it @ @ @ @

If elected president, Joe Biden can nominate up to 15 cabinet members to advise him on executive departments. The Onion looks at the most rumored choices for Biden’s inner circle.
Pete Buttigieg
With his military background, an obvious choice to be Biden’s Mayor of Defense
Eric Swalwell
Already demonstrated loyalty to Biden by running a terrible campaign against him for president
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Hunter Biden
Last job fell through
Elizabeth Warren
In the running for several positions unless someone from the private sector is interested
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Michele Flournoy
There’s simply no Defense Secretary candidate with more experience bombing Libya
Eric Garcetti
While homelessness and inequality have soared during his tenure as mayor of Los Angeles, serving as Transportation Secretary would allow him to fail on a much grander scale
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Jill Biden
Widely regarded by insiders to be the frontrunner for First Lady
John Kasich
The perfect vehicle for fulfilling Biden’s top priority of rejuvenating the Republican Party
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Betsy DeVos
Look, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it
You
That’s right, one random citizen will be chosen to be Secretary of State, and it could be you!


theonion--2020-10-21--Highly Informed Voter Has Spent Weeks Studying Trump, Biden Yard Signs

PORTAGE , WI—Increasing his scrutiny of the presidential candidates as the election approached , local highly informed voter Mark Stippley told reporters Wednesday that he has spent weeks studying Trump and Biden yard signs .
“ I know how important this election is and I don ’ t want to go in to vote uninformed , so I ’ ve been carefully researching both candidates ’ yard signs , including every single street near my house , ” said Stippley , who added that he could discuss both candidates ’ yard signs in detail , down to the color schemes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ words “ Pence ” or “ Harris.
” “ You ’ ll hear the media rant on and on about how these candidates are so polarizing , but if you really go street by street , you ’ ll see that both signs include red , white , and blue , they both feature the number 2020 , and they both mention America .
But of course I know that I can ’ t just draw conclusions from a few yard signs , which is why I try to spend my commute every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ neighborhoods .
They can help you stay informed , and they show you that the race is closer than it might appear .
I mean , yesterday I saw 60 % Biden signs and today I saw 40 % Biden signs , so it ’ s going to be a close race .
But I do have to stop myself from getting too caught up in it and doom-reading every single sign I see.
” The highly informed voter derided any attempt to forecast the election winner after noting that no one even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ADT Security despite the large number of signs in nearby yards .

PORTAGE, WI—Increasing his scrutiny of the presidential candidates as the election approached, local highly informed voter Mark Stippley told reporters Wednesday that he has spent weeks studying Trump and Biden yard signs. “I know how important this election is and I don’t want to go in to vote uninformed, so I’ve been carefully researching both candidates’ yard signs, including every single street near my house,” said Stippley, who added that he could discuss both candidates’ yard signs in detail, down to the color schemes and whether or not they include the words “Pence” or “Harris.” “You’ll hear the media rant on and on about how these candidates are so polarizing, but if you really go street by street, you’ll see that both signs include red, white, and blue, they both feature the number 2020, and they both mention America. But of course I know that I can’t just draw conclusions from a few yard signs, which is why I try to spend my commute every day looking at yard signs in other neighborhoods. They can help you stay informed, and they show you that the race is closer than it might appear. I mean, yesterday I saw 60% Biden signs and today I saw 40% Biden signs, so it’s going to be a close race. But I do have to stop myself from getting too caught up in it and doom-reading every single sign I see.” The highly informed voter derided any attempt to forecast the election winner after noting that no one even seemed to be talking about the candidate ADT Security despite the large number of signs in nearby yards.


theonion--2020-10-21--High Crime Rate Leading More Inmates To Consider Moving Out Of Prison

Hear where the nation ’ s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer , quieter life .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear where the nation’s incarcerated plan to flee in order to start a safer, quieter life.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-21--Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

WEST VALLEY CITY , UT—Following several preliminary tests of the unusual growth , Dr. Ron Craig informed patient Tom Stossel Wednesday that the weird lump that appeared on his neck in July was in fact nothing he can afford to worry about .
“ This might look bad , but I can assure you that this growth poses absolutely no danger that ’ s within your financial capacity to address , ” Dr. Craig told Stossel during the follow-up visit after his tissue biopsy , adding that he would only advise treating the golf ball-sized lesion on the back of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could withstand the effects of injecting large quantities of cash directly into the hospital .
“ Some patients with similar growths do opt for surgery , but in their case , it ’ s mostly if they have a preexisting capacity to absorb the costs or a family history of great wealth .
However , a thorough examination of your insurance plan , your bank accounts , and your employment history found absolutely no evidence that you should consider removing this lesion .
For the time being , just put it out of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , if not financially so.
” Dr. Craig added that the man should immediately schedule a follow-up examination if he noticed any sudden increase in his savings .

WEST VALLEY CITY, UT—Following several preliminary tests of the unusual growth, Dr. Ron Craig informed patient Tom Stossel Wednesday that the weird lump that appeared on his neck in July was in fact nothing he can afford to worry about. “This might look bad, but I can assure you that this growth poses absolutely no danger that’s within your financial capacity to address,” Dr. Craig told Stossel during the follow-up visit after his tissue biopsy, adding that he would only advise treating the golf ball-sized lesion on the back of his neck if he thought his system could withstand the effects of injecting large quantities of cash directly into the hospital. “Some patients with similar growths do opt for surgery, but in their case, it’s mostly if they have a preexisting capacity to absorb the costs or a family history of great wealth. However, a thorough examination of your insurance plan, your bank accounts, and your employment history found absolutely no evidence that you should consider removing this lesion. For the time being, just put it out of your mind and try to keep comfortable, if not financially so.” Dr. Craig added that the man should immediately schedule a follow-up examination if he noticed any sudden increase in his savings.


theonion--2020-10-21--Archaeologists Discover Enormous Cat Figure At Nazca Lines Site

Archaeologists in Peru have discovered the 121-foot-long figure of a cat etched into a hillside within the UNESCO World Heritage @ @ @ @ @ Lines , a collection of lines and geoglyphs made by ancient people that spans over @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ These ancient societies were so close to discovering Garfield , @ @ @ @ @ it could happen.
” “ They can learn a lot more about it if it @ @ @ @ @

Archaeologists in Peru have discovered the 121-foot-long figure of a cat etched into a hillside within the UNESCO World Heritage Site known as the Nazca Lines, a collection of lines and geoglyphs made by ancient people that spans over 174 square miles. What do you think?
“These ancient societies were so close to discovering Garfield, but they collap sed before it could happen.” Jackie Sherman • Secular Organist
“I can’t believe ancient people would vandalize a World Heritage Site like that.” Kurt Slepian • Leg Waxer
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theonion--2020-10-22--Nation Glad To See Baseball Players Still Have Names Like Mookie Betts

ALTOONA , PA—Basking in delight and nostalgia as they watched the 2020 MLB World Series , the nation was reportedly glad Wednesday to see baseball players still have names like Mookie Betts .
“ There are very few things you can count on in this life , so seeing that there are still baseball players out there hustling in the outfield with names like Mookie Betts really gives me a sense of continuity and peace , ” said local baseball fan Jim Cunningham , echoing Americans across the country who added that they worried after Chipper Jones , Pokey Reese @ @ @ @ @ @ @ best years of baseball names were behind them , but seeing Mookie Betts grace their TV screens as the L.A. Dodgers outfielder strode to the plate gave them a warm , fuzzy feeling .
“ Sure , it might not be the golden years of the 1970s and 1980s , when you ’ d see guys like Gomer Hodge , Richie Zisk , Bake McBride , Rowland Office , Moose Haas , Spike Owen , Shooty Babbitt , Eric Plunk , Kirby Puckett , Tommy Toms , Carney Lansford , Rusty Kuntz , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Joyner , Bucky Dent , and Bucky Guth out there , and obviously nothing will top the early era of baseball , back in the late 1890s and early 1900s when you had Chappie Snodgrass , Happy Felch , Pinky Swander , Stoney McGlynn , Dizzy Nutter , Rags Faircloth , Dode Paskert , Sweetbread Bailey , Socks Seibold , Hanson Horsey , Rolla Mapel , Moxie Meixell , Homer Smoot , Hippo Vaughan , Boardwalk Brown , Lee Gooch , Squiz Pillion , Buck Hooker , Moonlight Graham , Hooks Wiltse , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rising , Red Killefer , Hunky Shaw , Ivey Wingo , Rabbit Maranville , Zip Zabel , Possum Whitted , Toots Coyne , Dazzy Vance , Urban Shocker , and Sad Sam Jones .
Today you see all these guys named Bryce and Cody , and you start to get worried , but you know , if there are enough guys around like Mookie Betts , Joc Pederson , Brusdar Graterol , and Randy Arozarena , we might see a baseball name renaissance like back in the ’ 50s , guys like Pumpsie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Corky Valentine , Dick Ricketts , Rinty Monahan , Hobie Landrith , Skeeter Kell , Dusty Rhodes , Footer Johnson , Sparky Anderson , Solly Drake , YoYo Davalillo , Dixie Upright , Rip Repulski , Royce Lint , Sandy Koufax , Rocky Colavito , Connie Grob , Rance Pless , Whammy Douglass , Milt Pappas , Coot Veal , and the immortal Gene Green .
It ’ s just nice , in these troubling times , to know that baseball players named Mookie Betts are out there giving it their all.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ had grown anxious and bemoaned the decline of tradition after the Tampa Bay Rays brought a left-handed pitcher into the game who wasn ’ t even named Lefty .

ALTOONA, PA—Basking in delight and nostalgia as they watched the 2020 MLB World Series, the nation was reportedly glad Wednesday to see baseball players still have names like Mookie Betts. “There are very few things you can count on in this life, so seeing that there are still baseball players out there hustling in the outfield with names like Mookie Betts really gives me a sense of continuity and peace,” said local baseball fan Jim Cunningham, echoing Americans across the country who added that they worried after Chipper Jones, Pokey Reese, and Coco Crisp retired that the best years of baseball names were behind them, but seeing Mookie Betts grace their TV screens as the L.A. Dodgers outfielder strode to the plate gave them a warm, fuzzy feeling. “Sure, it might not be the golden years of the 1970s and 1980s, when you’d see guys like Gomer Hodge, Richie Zisk, Bake McBride, Rowland Office, Moose Haas, Spike Owen, Shooty Babbitt, Eric Plunk, Kirby Puckett, Tommy Toms, Carney Lansford, Rusty Kuntz, Candy Maldonado, Dickie Thon, Wally Joyner, Bucky Dent, and Bucky Guth out there, and obviously nothing will top the early era of baseball, back in the late 1890s and early 1900s when you had Chappie Snodgrass, Happy Felch, Pinky Swander, Stoney McGlynn, Dizzy Nutter, Rags Faircloth, Dode Paskert, Sweetbread Bailey, Socks Seibold, Hanson Horsey, Rolla Mapel, Moxie Meixell, Homer Smoot, Hippo Vaughan, Boardwalk Brown, Lee Gooch, Squiz Pillion, Buck Hooker, Moonlight Graham, Hooks Wiltse, Simmy Mirch, Moose Grimshaw, Pop Rising, Red Killefer, Hunky Shaw, Ivey Wingo, Rabbit Maranville, Zip Zabel, Possum Whitted, Toots Coyne, Dazzy Vance, Urban Shocker, and Sad Sam Jones. Today you see all these guys named Bryce and Cody, and you start to get worried, but you know, if there are enough guys around like Mookie Betts, Joc Pederson, Brusdar Graterol, and Randy Arozarena, we might see a baseball name renaissance like back in the ’50s, guys like Pumpsie Green, Yogi Berra, Tookie Gilbert, Corky Valentine, Dick Ricketts, Rinty Monahan, Hobie Landrith, Skeeter Kell, Dusty Rhodes, Footer Johnson, Sparky Anderson, Solly Drake, YoYo Davalillo, Dixie Upright, Rip Repulski, Royce Lint, Sandy Koufax, Rocky Colavito, Connie Grob, Rance Pless, Whammy Douglass, Milt Pappas, Coot Veal, and the immortal Gene Green. It’s just nice, in these troubling times, to know that baseball players named Mookie Betts are out there giving it their all.” At press time, the nation had grown anxious and bemoaned the decline of tradition after the Tampa Bay Rays brought a left-handed pitcher into the game who wasn’t even named Lefty.


theonion--2020-10-21--NASA Spacecraft Collects Sample From Asteroid

NASA ’ s OSIRIS-REx spacecraft approached the asteroid Bennu and used a robotic arm to collect a sample from its @ @ @ @ @ the second time humans have made contact with an asteroid .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ is able to learn a little something about us , too.
” “ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ to keep provoking asteroids like this.
” “ If all NASA wanted was a rock @ @ @ @ @ hooked them up for way cheaper .
”

NASA’s OSIRIS-REx spacecraft approached the asteroid Bennu and used a robotic arm to collect a sample from its surface on Tuesday, marking the second time humans have made contact with an asteroid. What do you think?
“Hopefully the asteroid is able to learn a little something about us, too.” Sue Perdikis • Spice Merchant
“It’s really unwise of NASA to keep provoking asteroids like this.” Ted Barbosa • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-10-21--Experts Predict Covid-19 Vaccine Could Be Ready As Soon As Team Of Sled Dogs Traverse Yukon With It

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that the end of the pandemic may be in sight , epidemiological experts predicted Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine could be ready as soon as a team of sled dogs could transport it across the wild tundras of the Yukon .
“ We ’ re thrilled to announce that significant progress has been made in a vaccine that targets the novel coronavirus , and we believe we can start releasing it to the general populace once those derring-do canines brave the ice and snow of the Klondike and return to civilization , ” said CDC director Robert Redfield , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is working around the clock running thousands of miles through the frozen Canadian territory to deliver the vaccine .
“ I want to assure all Americans that while our priority is implementing the vaccine as quickly as possible , we will do everything in our power to ensure that adequate safety measures are in place to prevent sled dogs from getting crushed under an avalanche or falling through the ice into a freezing river below.
” At press time , Redfield announced that the vaccine had been further delayed after the sled dogs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their very survival with a giant grizzly .

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that the end of the pandemic may be in sight, epidemiological experts predicted Wednesday that the Covid-19 vaccine could be ready as soon as a team of sled dogs could transport it across the wild tundras of the Yukon. “We’re thrilled to announce that significant progress has been made in a vaccine that targets the novel coronavirus, and we believe we can start releasing it to the general populace once those derring-do canines brave the ice and snow of the Klondike and return to civilization,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, telling reporters that the pack of huskies is working around the clock running thousands of miles through the frozen Canadian territory to deliver the vaccine. “I want to assure all Americans that while our priority is implementing the vaccine as quickly as possible, we will do everything in our power to ensure that adequate safety measures are in place to prevent sled dogs from getting crushed under an avalanche or falling through the ice into a freezing river below.” At press time, Redfield announced that the vaccine had been further delayed after the sled dogs had become locked in a battle for their very survival with a giant grizzly .


theonion--2020-10-21--Trump Campaign Reminds Supporters To Make Voting Intimidation Plan

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to triple check the location of their local polling place and be ready to harass those around them , the Trump campaign reminded supporters Wednesday to avoid being blindsided this Nov. 3 by making a voting intimidation plan .
“ This election day , don ’ t just roll out of bed , make sure you ’ ve prepared ahead of time to spend up to 10 hours of your day terrorizing voters , ” said Trump campaign spokesperson Andy Stephens , adding that this year , due to Covid , it would be more work than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ convince voters that their paperwork was incorrect , because there could be thousands of them waiting at any given time .
“ The bottom line is : H ave a plan .
Whether you have to take a bus in full tactical gear or carpool with your militia buddies , know how you ’ re getting to your polling site .
Also , don ’ t leave home without at least two different types of weapons .
Remember , this is an opportunity to make our screaming voices heard so that every threat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also encouraged Trump supporters to engage with those around them , and make sure to intimidate at least three friends or family members to stay home instead of voting for Biden .

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to triple check the location of their local polling place and be ready to harass those around them, the Trump campaign reminded supporters Wednesday to avoid being blindsided this Nov. 3 by making a voting intimidation plan. “This election day, don’t just roll out of bed, make sure you’ve prepared ahead of time to spend up to 10 hours of your day terrorizing voters,” said Trump campaign spokesperson Andy Stephens, adding that this year, due to Covid , it would be more work than ever to pose as an officer and convince voters that their paperwork was incorrect, because there could be thousands of them waiting at any given time. “The bottom line is: H ave a plan. Whether you have to take a bus in full tactical gear or carpool with your militia buddies, know how you’re getting to your polling site. Also, don’t leave home without at least two different types of weapons. Remember, this is an opportunity to make our screaming voices heard so that every threat counts.” At press time, Stephens also encouraged Trump supporters to engage with those around them, and make sure to intimidate at least three friends or family members to stay home instead of voting for Biden.


theonion--2020-10-21--Sam Darnold Pissed He Forgot To Bench Self On Fantasy Team

FLORHAM PARK , NJ—Expressing concern that he ’ s already out of the playoff hunt after a brutal 2-4 start to the season , injured Jets quarterback Sam Darnold was reportedly annoyed Wednesday after forgetting to bench himself on his fantasy team this past week .
“ Dammit , I ’ ve actually been meaning to sit myself for weeks , but this was a huge fuckup , especially since I have [ Jared ] Goff on the bench and he ’ s at least half-decent , ” said Darnold , who revealed that several other owners in his league @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heart clearly was not in it and he was giving other teams easy wins .
“ Honestly , I should never have drafted me .
I ’ ve been a total dud .
I thought I might have a breakout year after showing some promise , but with [ Adam ] Gase coaching I should have known it was gon na be a disaster .
I should just drop myself and take a chance on Tua [ Tagovailoa ] , now that he ’ s starting.
” Darnold added that he still planned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bell as he expected him to break out now that he was no longer a Jet .

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Expressing concern that he’s already out of the playoff hunt after a brutal 2-4 start to the season, injured Jets quarterback Sam Darnold was reportedly annoyed Wednesday after forgetting to bench himself on his fantasy team this past week. “Dammit, I’ve actually been meaning to sit myself for weeks, but this was a huge fuckup, especially since I have [ Jared] Goff on the bench and he’s at least half-decent,” said Darnold, who revealed that several other owners in his league had complained to the commissioner that his heart clearly was not in it and he was giving other teams easy wins. “Honestly, I should never have drafted me. I’ve been a total dud. I thought I might have a breakout year after showing some promise, but with [Adam] Gase coaching I should have known it was gonna be a disaster. I should just drop myself and take a chance on Tua [Tagovailoa], now that he’s starting.” Darnold added that he still planned to hold on to Le’Veon Bell as he expected him to break out now that he was no longer a Jet.


theonion--2020-10-21--Paleontologists Unearth Rare, Mint-Condition Triceratops Skull In Goodwill Bin

YONKERS , NY—Touting the groundbreaking discovery as the deal of a lifetime , paleontologists from Columbia University announced Wednesday that they had unearthed a rare , mint -condition triceratops skull in a bin at a local Goodwill .
“ We have uncovered what we believe to be one of the earliest ceratopsid skulls still in existence , with almost zero wear and tear and some very light staining that can easily be polished off , ” said lead researcher Allen Marida , confirming that the revolutionary find had occurred quite by accident after his scientific team stopped by the thrift @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for their office kitchen .
“ At first I thought it was just a run-of-the-mill Pliocene bison skull , which are a dime a dozen , but when I took a closer look and realized this was bonafide triceratops I just about lost it .
And what ’ s even more impressive is that this specimen has the wider beak and slightly stubbier rostral bone which got completely scrapped early on , meaning this skull is definitely from the original run of the Ceratopsidae species .
I almost feel bad because the Goodwill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the whole thing so he clearly had no idea what he was sitting on.
” Marida added that incredibly the triceratops skull was not even the most significant find of the day , noting that a member of his team had discovered a Freewheelin ’ Bob Dylan record st ill in its original shrink wrap .

YONKERS, NY—Touting the groundbreaking discovery as the deal of a lifetime, paleontologists from Columbia University announced Wednesday that they had unearthed a rare, mint -condition triceratops skull in a bin at a local Goodwill. “We have uncovered what we believe to be one of the earliest ceratopsid skulls still in existence, with almost zero wear and tear and some very light staining that can easily be polished off,” said lead researcher Allen Marida, confirming that the revolutionary find had occurred quite by accident after his scientific team stopped by the thrift store to browse around for some bowls for their office kitchen. “At first I thought it was just a run-of-the-mill Pliocene bison skull, which are a dime a dozen, but when I took a closer look and realized this was bonafide triceratops I just about lost it. And what’s even more impressive is that this specimen has the wider beak and slightly stubbier rostral bone which got completely scrapped early on, meaning this skull is definitely from the original run of the Ceratopsidae species. I almost feel bad because the Goodwill cashier was only asking 10 bucks for the whole thing so he clearly had no idea what he was sitting on.” Marida added that incredibly the triceratops skull was not even the most significant find of the day, noting that a member of his team had discovered a Freewheelin’ Bob Dylan record st ill in its original shrink wrap.


theonion--2020-10-21--Greatest World Series Champions Of All Time

2004 Boston Red Sox : Look , if we didn ’ t include at least one Boston team , we @ @ @ @ @ na hear the end of it from all the fucking Mikeys and Donnys out there @ @ @ @ @ , douchebags .

2004 Boston Red Sox: Look, if we didn’t include at least one Boston team, we knew we were never gonna hear the end of it from all the fucking Mikeys and Donnys out there. So here you go, douchebags.


theonion--2020-10-22--Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An E

Conservatives Hopeful SCOTUS Majority Will Bring Days Of On-Demand Cervical Cancer Detection To An End

Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap @ @ @ @ @ good .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

Hear why many Christian pro-life groups are celebrating what they believe could be the judicial power needed to stop pap smears and HPV tests for good.
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theonion--2020-10-22--Kansas National Guard Announces They’re Ready To Defend Against An Attack On Kansas At Any Time

TOPEKA , KS—In an evidently unprovoked statement , Kansas National Guard Brigadier General Anthony V. Mohatt announced Thursday that the Kansas National Guard was ready to defend against attacks on Kansas at any time .
“ From the rolling hills of the east to the sweeping plains of the west , the Kansas National Guard is in a sufficient state of readiness to mount a swift response and retaliate with overwhelming force against any threat that dares oppose the Sunflower State , ” said General Mohatt , who went on to elaborate in great detail how , even as he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deployed across the state , with steady-handed demolitions units setting traps on major infrastructure ; eager pilots idling their fighters and bombers on the ready lines of major air bases ; and valiant infantrymen keeping vigil at the border by peering into Colorado , Oklahoma , Missouri , and Nebraska with tactical night-vision binoculars .
“ With the might and honor , we will defend the land of Kansas .
Only the National Guard can claim to know the treacherous terrain like the backs of their hands .
And if any tyrant entertains @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , know that my orders state that every soldier must fight to his last breath , taking his own life if necessary.
” At press time , General Mohatt had mobilized two armored divisions “ in response to threatening Sooner Troop movements ” on the Kansas border with Oklahoma .

TOPEKA, KS—In an evidently unprovoked statement, Kansas National Guard Brigadier General Anthony V. Mohatt announced Thursday that the Kansas National Guard was ready to defend against attacks on Kansas at any time. “From the rolling hills of the east to the sweeping plains of the west, the Kansas National Guard is in a sufficient state of readiness to mount a swift response and retaliate with overwhelming force against any threat that dares oppose the Sunflower State,” said General Mohatt, who went on to elaborate in great detail how, even as he spoke, Kansas National Guard troops had deployed across the state, with steady-handed demolitions units setting traps on major infrastructure; eager pilots idling their fighters and bombers on the ready lines of major air bases; and valiant infantrymen keeping vigil at the border by peering into Colorado, Oklahoma, Missouri, and Nebraska with tactical night-vision binoculars. “With the might and honor, we will defend the land of Kansas. Only the National Guard can claim to know the treacherous terrain like the backs of their hands. And if any tyrant entertains the notion of taking a guardsman alive, know that my orders state that every soldier must fight to his last breath, taking his own life if necessary.” At press time, General Mohatt had mobilized two armored divisions “in response to threatening Sooner Troop movements” on the Kansas border with Oklahoma.


theonion--2020-10-22--Sesame Street Releases Educational Podcast For Children

“ The Sesame Street Podcast with Foley & Friends ” debuted last week , with 15-minute episodes that focus on @ @ @ @ @ include recurring segments like “ Elmo ’ s Joke of the Day ” and a @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ I ’ m getting really tired of podcasts like this that @ @ @ @ @ d with their buds.
” “ Sounds like a great thing for kids to listen @ @ @ @ @ “ Why are we making podcasts for kids when I ’ m the one who @ @ @ @ @

“The Sesame Street Podcast with Foley & Friends” debuted last week, with 15-minute episodes that focus on school-readiness skills for preschoolers and include recurring segments like “Elmo’s Joke of the Day” and a game show. What do you think?
“I’m getting really tired of podcasts like this that are just celebs joking aroun d with their buds.” Gerald Hartis • Parolee
“Sounds like a great thing for kids to listen to while watching TV.” Jason Turow • Prism Builder
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theonion--2020-10-23--Trump Threatens To Leak Debate Video Online If Moderator Keeps Asking Unfair Questions

NASHVILLE , TN—In an effort to curb what he called her “ aggressive tone , ” President Donald Trump threatened during the debate Thursday night to leak a video of the event online if NBC moderator Kristen Welker kept asking questions he deemed unfair .
“ By the way , since you ’ re asking such biased questions , you should know that I ’ m having this whole thing recorded , ” Trump said to Welker , who during the president ’ s debate against challenger Joe Biden had asked what his administration would do to marshal a robust @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Covid-19 cases across the nation .
“ This has been very unfair from the get-go , and the American people deserve to see for themselves exactly what goes on in a live prime-time debate .
So tomorrow , or maybe the next day , I just might decide to tweet out a video of what happened here tonight so everyone will know what the fake news is doing with all these nasty questions .
Trust me , they ’ re going to be completely disgusted by what they watch.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the time allotted to him had elapsed .

NASHVILLE, TN—In an effort to curb what he called her “aggressive tone,” President Donald Trump threatened during the debate Thursday night to leak a video of the event online if NBC moderator Kristen Welker kept asking questions he deemed unfair. “By the way, since you’re asking such biased questions, you should know that I’m having this whole thing recorded,” Trump said to Welker, who during the president’s debate against challenger Joe Biden had asked what his administration would do to marshal a robust federal response to the recent surge in Covid-19 cases across the nation. “This has been very unfair from the get-go, and the American people deserve to see for themselves exactly what goes on in a live prime-time debate. So tomorrow, or maybe the next day, I just might decide to tweet out a video of what happened here tonight so everyone will know what the fake news is doing with all these nasty questions. Trust me, they’re going to be completely disgusted by what they watch.” At press time, Welker interrupted Trump to say that the time allotted to him had elapsed.


theonion--2020-10-23--Miffed Biden Warns Trump’s Undignified Behavior Could Cost Him Cabinet Post

NASHVILLE , TN—Growing increasingly frustrated with the president ’ s behavior over the evening ’ s proceedings , a visibly miffed Joe Biden warned that Donald Trump ’ s undignified behavior at the debate Thursday could easily cost him a cabinet position .
“ Folks , what you ’ ve seen tonight from my friend is conduct that ’ s obviously beneath becoming my Treasury secretary ” said the former vice president , expressing evident distaste as he turned to his debate partner , jabbed his finger in his direction , and made a forceful argument for why Trump could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2021 despite it dovetailing “ quite nicely ” with his career as a New York City real estate magnate .
“ Mr .
President , with all due respect , I came into this evening with an open mind to at least adding you to an advisory role in the Oval Office , but I ’ m afraid if you don ’ t watch your tone , you ’ ll just be showing the American people yet again why we can ’ t use your significant connections in the business world to help @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m sorry , sir , but that ’ s where we ’ re at.
” The Democratic candidate concluded the evening with a stirring warning that Trump ’ s lack of composure only helped show more than ever why a Biden cabinet would instead be stocked with honest Americans like William Barr and Rudolph Giuliani .

NASHVILLE, TN—Growing increasingly frustrated with the president’s behavior over the evening’s proceedings, a visibly miffed Joe Biden warned that Donald Trump’s undignified behavior at the debate Thursday could easily cost him a cabinet position. “Folks, what you’ve seen tonight from my friend is conduct that’s obviously beneath becoming my Treasury secretary” said the former vice president, expressing evident distaste as he turned to his debate partner, jabbed his finger in his direction, and made a forceful argument for why Trump could never become the secretary of housing in 2021 despite it dovetailing “quite nicely” with his career as a New York City real estate magnate. “Mr. President, with all due respect, I came into this evening with an open mind to at least adding you to an advisory role in the Oval Office, but I’m afraid if you don’t watch your tone, you’ll just be showing the American people yet again why we can’t use your significant connections in the business world to help my administration build back better. I’m sorry, sir, but that’s where we’re at.” The Democratic candidate concluded the evening with a stirring warning that Trump’s lack of composure only helped show more than ever why a Biden cabinet would instead be stocked with honest Americans like William Barr and Rudolph Giuliani.


theonion--2020-10-22--Psychic Already Sick Of Spectral James Randi Ragging On Her From Afterlife

MIAMI—Struggling to mentally close herself off from the recently deceased skeptic , local psychic Rosemary Shanley confirmed Thursday she was already sick of James Randi ’ s specter haunting her place of business and ragging on her from the afterlife .
“ I ’ m sitting here with my crystal ball trying to see into the future , and it ’ s hard enough without the ghost of James Randi hovering in front of me and whispering that I ’ m a fraud and a huckster , ” said Shanley , adding that she tried to banish the spirit of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sprinkling holy water throughout the room , but the Amazing Randi just scoffed and called the ritual “ easily disproved theatrics.
” “ What ’ s worse is that he ’ s taken to appearing before my clients and showing them how he can do everything I can do using nothing more than simple trickery .
I was impressed when he first showed up and appeared to roll a pencil across my desk using only his mind , but then he insisted it was basic misdirection and called me a dumbass for believing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get off my case and go heckle some other clairvoyant.
” At press time , sources from the beyond confirmed Randi had taken possession of Shanley ’ s body and was attempting to locate Uri Geller .

MIAMI—Struggling to mentally close herself off from the recently deceased skeptic, local psychic Rosemary Shanley confirmed Thursday she was already sick of James Randi’s specter haunting her place of business and ragging on her from the afterlife. “I’m sitting here with my crystal ball trying to see into the future, and it’s hard enough without the ghost of James Randi hovering in front of me and whispering that I’m a fraud and a huckster,” said Shanley, adding that she tried to banish the spirit of the famed debunker and stage magician by sprinkling holy water throughout the room, but the Amazing Randi just scoffed and called the ritual “easily disproved theatrics.” “What’s worse is that he’s taken to appearing before my clients and showing them how he can do everything I can do using nothing more than simple trickery. I was impressed when he first showed up and appeared to roll a pencil across my desk using only his mind, but then he insisted it was basic misdirection and called me a dumbass for believing in psychic powers. That dude needs to get off my case and go heckle some other clairvoyant.” At press time, sources from the beyond confirmed Randi had taken possession of Shanley’s body and was attempting to locate Uri Geller.


theonion--2020-10-22--‘Fast & Furious’ Franchise To End After 11th Movie

The Fast & Furious movie franchise will officially end after the 10th and 11th films , bringing to a close @ @ @ @ @ generated $ 5.7 billion worldwide since it began in 2001 .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ probably got tired of making billions of dollars.
” “ Hopefully , none of the @ @ @ @ @ being able to do action movies.
” “ Do you have to have seen a @ @ @ @ @ new ones ?
”

The Fast & Furious movie franchise will officially end after the 10th and 11th films, bringing to a close the action series that has generated $5.7 billion worldwide since it began in 2001. What do you think?
“Yeah, they probably got tired of making billions of dollars.” Jen Salvatore • Pill Grinder
“Hopefully, none of the cars get pigeonholed as only being able to do action movies.” Chet Capra • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-10-22--Rudy Giuliani Releases Video Of Himself Masturbating To Show What It Would Actually Look Like

WASHINGTON—In response to a compromising scene featured in the Borat sequel in which the president ’ s personal attorney claimed @ @ @ @ @ shirt , Rudy Giuliani released a video of himself masturbating Thursday to show what it @ @ @ @ @ “ You thought that was masturbating ?
I ’ ll show you masturbating , ” @ @ @ @ @ iPhone video that he released to every major national news outlet , which showed the @ @ @ @ @ getting completely naked and weeping as he vigorously pleasured himself .
“ Hopefully , this @ @ @ @ @ meat to toe-curling completion will dispel any salacious claims about what took place in that @ @ @ @ @ also shared this with the FBI so they can authenticate it .
If you don @ @ @ @ @ in the middle of my living room jacking off to a family photo album , @ @ @ @ @ I wasn ’ t masturbating.
” At press time , Giuliani vowed to release a @ @ @ @ @ every day until the election to help prevent the spread of disinformation .

WASHINGTON—In response to a compromising scene featured in the Borat sequel in which the president’s personal attorney claimed to be tucking in his shirt, Rudy Giuliani released a video of himself masturbating Thursday to show what it would actually look like. “You thought that was masturbating? I’ll show you masturbating,” said Giuliani in a blurry iPhone video that he released to every major national news outlet, which showed the former New York City mayor getting completely naked and weeping as he vigorously pleasured himself. “Hopefully, this footage of me beating my meat to toe-curling completion will dispel any salacious claims about what took place in that hotel. I’ve also shared this with the FBI so they can authenticate it. If you don’t see me standing in the middle of my living room jacking off to a family photo album, then you can rest assured I wasn’t masturbating.” At press time, Giuliani vowed to release a new video of him masturbating every day until the election to help prevent the spread of disinformation.


theonion--2020-10-22--Eagles Fan Starts Tailgating At 9 A.M. For Custody Hearing

PHILADELPHIA—Cracking open a Coors Light as he lit his charcoal grill , Eagles fan Anthony Marcus reportedly started tailgating at @ @ @ @ @ the custody hearing for his 8-month-old daughter .
“ I always like to get together @ @ @ @ @ back a few cold ones before the afternoon trial starts , ” said Marcus , @ @ @ @ @ of the parking lot off the side of the courthouse as a “ good spot @ @ @ @ @ ” “ It sucks because they don ’ t let you drink in there anymore @ @ @ @ @ try to sneak a beer past security .
We ’ ve got some really good @ @ @ @ @ , and Johnny has a public intoxication hearing at the same time , so why @ @ @ @ @ it ?
It ’ s good to let off some steam here , ’ cause @ @ @ @ @ week for calling the judge a ‘ Homo.
’ Fucking pussies.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ vomit off his “ good ” Carson Wentz jersey before heading into trial .

PHILADELPHIA—Cracking open a Coors Light as he lit his charcoal grill, Eagles fan Anthony Marcus reportedly started tailgating at 9 a.m. Thursday ahead of the custody hearing for his 8-month-old daughter. “I always like to get together with the boys and throw back a few cold ones before the afternoon trial starts,” said Marcus, pointing toward a crowded section of the parking lot off the side of the courthouse as a “good spot to piss without getting caught.” “It sucks because they don’t let you drink in there anymore, but I’ll try to sneak a beer past security. We’ve got some really good wings my man Blake brings, and Johnny has a public intoxication hearing at the same time, so why not make a day of it? It’s good to let off some steam here, ’ cause I got kicked out last week for calling the judge a ‘Homo.’ Fucking pussies.” At press time, Marcus was frantically cleaning vomit off his “good” Carson Wentz jersey before heading into trial.


theonion--2020-10-22--Farmer’s Child Forced To Slaughter Pumpkin They Spent Season Caring For

JOHNSTON , IA—In a difficult and emotionally taxing rite of passage , local farmer ’ s child Owen Morrison , @ @ @ @ @ Thursday to slaughter a pumpkin he had spent all season caring for .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ this sweet little guy for months , and I really love it , but dad @ @ @ @ @ it if we want to survive the next season , ” said a sniffling Owen @ @ @ @ @ the 10-pound gourd , which he had named “ Jack , ” its favorite fertilizer @ @ @ @ @ “ I asked dad if we could just keep this one , but he said @ @ @ @ @ has no idea what ’ s about to happen .
I hate you , dad @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Owen couldn ’ t make eye contact as he turned @ @ @ @ @ horizon and slit its stem .

JOHNSTON, IA—In a difficult and emotionally taxing rite of passage, local farmer’s child Owen Morrison, 10, was reportedly forced Thursday to slaughter a pumpkin he had spent all season caring for. “I’ve been looking after this sweet little guy for months, and I really love it, but dad says we need to butcher it if we want to survive the next season,” said a sniffling Owen, as he tearfully gave the 10-pound gourd, which he had named “Jack,” its favorite fertilizer as a last meal. “I asked dad if we could just keep this one, but he said no. Poor little thing has no idea what’s about to happen. I hate you, dad, I hate you!” At press time, Owen couldn’t make eye contact as he turned the pumpkin away toward the horizon and slit its stem.


theonion--2020-10-21--Adam Gase Insists It Way Too Early To Think About Destroying Trevor Lawrence

EAST RUTHERFORD , NJ—Condemning radio hosts and fans who have already started talking about the upcoming draft , New York Jets head coach Adam Gase insisted Thursday that it was way too early to think about how the team would destroy the career of top quarterback prospect Trevor Lawrence .
“ Look , I know people love to speculate , but my focus is on wasting the careers of the players in this locker room , ” said Gase , claiming that current quarterback Sam Darnold is still a young player with a lot of untapped talent to squander .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ who is going to be throwing pick-sixes next year , I ’ m thinking about who ’ s going to be sacked six times next week .
This is a long season , and I ’ m zeroed in on making sure Mekhi [ Becton ] never develops into a Pro Bowl lineman .
I don ’ t have time to talk about [ Trevor ] Lawrence , I ’ ve got a shitty game to put together.
” At press time , Gase added that if the Jets continue to execute his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simply elect to retire from football anyway .

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Condemning radio hosts and fans who have already started talking about the upcoming draft, New York Jets head coach Adam Gase insisted Thursday that it was way too early to think about how the team would destroy the career of top quarterback prospect Trevor Lawrence. “Look, I know people love to speculate, but my focus is on wasting the careers of the players in this locker room,” said Gase, claiming that current quarterback Sam Darnold is still a young player with a lot of untapped talent to squander. “I’m not thinking about who is going to be throwing pick-sixes next year, I’m thinking about who’s going to be sacked six times next week. This is a long season, and I’m zeroed in on making sure Mekhi [Becton] never develops into a Pro Bowl lineman. I don’t have time to talk about [Trevor] Lawrence, I’ve got a shitty game to put together.” At press time, Gase added that if the Jets continue to execute his vision week after week, Lawrence might simply elect to retire from football anyway.


theonion--2020-10-21--New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By

New Covid Cases Continue To Soar Even Though Todd Peters Of Scottsdale, AZ Said It Would Be Over By Now

‘ You Think People Don ’ t Remember , Todd ?
You Were Blowing Smoke Out Your Ass And Everyone Knows It , ’ Say Sources SCOTTSDALE , AZ—According to sources close to the 34-year-old computer programmer , official records showed Covid-19 cases continuing to soar Thursday even though Todd Peters of Scottsdale , AZ told people back in June that it would all be over by now .
“ The country just hit 60,000 new cases a day , despite the fact that Todd explicitly stated everything would be ‘ pretty much back to normal ’ at this point @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asking whether Peters thought the people he had said this to a mere four months ago were so goddamn stupid they would forget he had talked out of his ass about how the pandemic had peaked and a vaccine would be available by autumn .
“ A lot of us thought to ourselves , ‘ Hey , this is Todd .
We know him , he ’ s a smart guy .
Surely we can trust what he says.
’ But here we are with Covid deaths on the rise again , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have a fucking clue what he was talking about .
Does he even care that his aunt bought a plane ticket to Orlando based on what he said and has now been forced to cancel her plans , receiving only a partial refund in the form of credit on a future flight ?
He ’ s so fucking full of shit.
” At press time , more than a dozen sources confirmed they had contracted the coronavirus from Peters even though he said he had no need to wear a mask .

‘You Think People Don’t Remember, Todd? You Were Blowing Smoke Out Your Ass And Everyone Knows It,’ Say Sources
SCOTTSDALE, AZ—According to sources close to the 34-year-old computer programmer, official records showed Covid-19 cases continuing to soar Thursday even though Todd Peters of Scottsdale, AZ told people back in June that it would all be over by now. “The country just hit 60,000 new cases a day, despite the fact that Todd explicitly stated everything would be ‘pretty much back to normal’ at this point,” a source told reporters, asking whether Peters thought the people he had said this to a mere four months ago were so goddamn stupid they would forget he had talked out of his ass about how the pandemic had peaked and a vaccine would be available by autumn. “A lot of us thought to ourselves, ‘Hey, this is Todd. We know him, he’s a smart guy. Surely we can trust what he says.’ But here we are with Covid deaths on the rise again, and now everyone knows Todd didn’t have a fucking clue what he was talking about. Does he even care that his aunt bought a plane ticket to Orlando based on what he said and has now been forced to cancel her plans, receiving only a partial refund in the form of credit on a future flight? He’s so fucking full of shit.” At press time, more than a dozen sources confirmed they had contracted the coronavirus from Peters even though he said he had no need to wear a mask.


theonion--2020-10-23--Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator

Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Hear why even the strictest protocols may not be enough to prevent the spread of The J-Dog with a case full of brewskis.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
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theonion--2020-10-23--Man Feels Like Girlfriend Hasn’t Been Putting Effort Into His Appearance Lately

TAMPA , FL— Expressing concerns that he would have to say something soon , local man Alec Coles told reporters @ @ @ @ @ girlfriend hadn ’ t been putting any effort into his appearance lately .
“ Krista @ @ @ @ @ new dress shirt or pair of nice slacks for me in months , ” said @ @ @ @ @ was slightly embarrassed the other day when she let him leave the house in stained @ @ @ @ @ hoodie .
“ She ’ s really letting me go—she totally dropped my skincare routine @ @ @ @ @ to exercise anymore .
I ran out of shampoo last week , and she still @ @ @ @ @ for me .
I can ’ t even remember the last time she reminded me @ @ @ @ @ smell bad .
At the very least , she could shave me.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ added that while he will always love his girlfriend no matter what , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ chemistry alive when he always looks like such shit .

TAMPA, FL— Expressing concerns that he would have to say something soon, local man Alec Coles told reporters Friday he felt like his girlfriend hadn’t been putting any effort into his appearance lately. “Krista hasn’t bought a new dress shirt or pair of nice slacks for me in months,” said Coles, recalling how he was slightly embarrassed the other day when she let him leave the house in stained, baggy shorts and a hoodie. “She’s really letting me go—she totally dropped my skincare routine and hardly ever encourages me to exercise anymore. I ran out of shampoo last week, and she still hasn’t bought any for me. I can’t even remember the last time she reminded me to shower. I even smell bad. At the very least, she could shave me.” At press time, a frustrated Coles added that while he will always love his girlfriend no matter what, it’s hard to keep the chemistry alive when he always looks like such shit.


theonion--2020-10-23--David Blaine Wakes Up In Cold Sweat From Nightmare In Which He Dies Of Natural Causes

NEW YORK—Mumbling the words “ old age ” and “ in his sleep ” as he thrashed and screamed wildly , illusionist David Blaine reportedly woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare Friday in which he died of natural causes .
“ Oh my G od , that was terrible ; it really felt like I was on my deathbed , passing away painlessly and peacefully while surrounded by friends and family , ” said Blaine , wiping perspiration from his brow and reminding himself that he was far more likely to die suffocating handcuffed in a tank @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feet from a balloon floating through the troposphere , than from something as insane as heart disease .
“ I just can ’ t unsee it .
There was no stage .
No crowd .
No cage .
No knives being repeatedly shoved through my stomach , or a school of sharks ripping me limb from limb .
It was just me , the doctor , my wife , my children , and my grandchildren .
And we were praying .
Jesus Christ , I ’ m really losing it.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to go back to sleep after taking a few deep breaths , drinking a glass of water , and strapping himself nude to a lightning rod on the roof of his apartment .

NEW YORK—Mumbling the words “old age” and “in his sleep” as he thrashed and screamed wildly, illusionist David Blaine reportedly woke up in a cold sweat from a nightmare Friday in which he died of natural causes. “Oh my G od, that was terrible; it really felt like I was on my deathbed, passing away painlessly and peacefully while surrounded by friends and family,” said Blaine, wiping perspiration from his brow and reminding himself that he was far more likely to die suffocating handcuffed in a tank of ice-cold water, or falling 30,000 feet from a balloon floating through the troposphere, than from something as insane as heart disease. “I just can’t unsee it. There was no stage. No crowd. No cage. No knives being repeatedly shoved through my stomach, or a school of sharks ripping me limb from limb. It was just me, the doctor, my wife, my children, and my grandchildren. And we were praying. Jesus Christ, I’m really losing it.” At press time, Blaine was reportedly finally able to go back to sleep after taking a few deep breaths, drinking a glass of water, and strapping himself nude to a lightning rod on the roof of his apartment.