theonion--2020-05-20--The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs

The 10 Worst Bar Mitzvahs

Jan. 23 , 1993 , Binghamton , NY : During the Hagbah ceremony , Uncle Howard strained a muscle in @ @ @ @ @ hoist the 40-pound Torah and had to be helped to his seat by Aunt Sharon @ @ @ @ @ all downhill from there .

Jan. 23, 1993, Binghamton, NY: During the Hagbah ceremony, Uncle Howard strained a muscle in his back while attempting to hoist the 40-pound Torah and had to be helped to his seat by Aunt Sharon. Guests agreed it was all downhill from there.


theonion--2020-05-20--Good News, ‘Final Fantasy’ Fans: Looks Like They Made A Bunch Of Those Things

If you were among the millions of PlayStation 4 users who flocked to check out the Final Fantasy VII Remake , it ’ s natural that you were left yearning for a different chance to enjoy Square Enix ’ s incredible knack for storytelling flourishes and engrossing gameplay .
Well , good news , Final Fantasy fans !
It looks like they made a bunch of those things .
Yeah , turns out you could fill a dump truck with all this Final Fantasy shit .
So , anyone who appreciated Final Fantasy VII ’ s combat systems and its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to fret about never again having a similar title to play .
Apparently , they crap these things out , like , once or twice a year .
Pretty cool , huh ?
There ’ s a whole garbage bag worth of these RPGs out there and then some , in terms of cartridges and game discs , and all you have to do is pick them up by the armful and start stuffing them into your console to get started .
What ’ s even more exciting is that since there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re talking heaps and heaps of this junk—that means you could be playing these things until you were in your eighties and you still wouldn ’ t have finished them all .
And who knows ?
Maybe they ’ ll even make some more of these things and toss them onto the big , overflowing pile of Final Fantasy titles already out there !
And if they don ’ t , you can always play the Dragon Quest games .
There are about a billion of those available online , and they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thing .

If you were among the millions of PlayStation 4 users who flocked to check out the Final Fantasy VII Remake, it’s natural that you were left yearning for a different chance to enjoy Square Enix’s incredible knack for storytelling flourishes and engrossing gameplay. Well, good news, Final Fantasy fans! It looks like they made a bunch of those things.
Yeah, turns out you could fill a dump truck with all this Final Fantasy shit.
So, anyone who appreciated Final Fantasy VII’s combat systems and its impeccable Nobuo Uematsu-penned score doesn’t need to fret about never again having a similar title to play. Apparently, they crap these things out, like, once or twice a year. Pretty cool, huh? There’s a whole garbage bag worth of these RPGs out there and then some, in terms of cartridges and game discs, and all you have to do is pick them up by the armful and start stuffing them into your console to get started.
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What’s even more exciting is that since there are apparently a fuckton more of them—we’re talking heaps and heaps of this junk—that means you could be playing these things until you were in your eighties and you still wouldn’t have finished them all. And who knows? Maybe they’ll even make some more of these things and toss them onto the big, overflowing pile of Final Fantasy titles already out there!
And if they don’t, you can always play the Dragon Quest games. There are about a billion of those available online, and they seem like pretty much the same fucking thing.


theonion--2020-05-20--Conversation-Starved Man Finally Treating Bumping Into Coworker As Exquisite Treasure It Truly Is

CHICAGO—A deep appreciation dawning upon him as he came to understand the sheer wonder radiated by such a rare occurrence , conversation-starved man Ryan Kennedy reportedly finally treated bumping into his coworker as the exquisite treasure it is , sources confirmed Wednesday .
“ Oh , hey , Eric !
Great to see you , ” said the newly enlightened man after spotting his office mate during a routine trip out to the corner store , nodding in deep gratitude as he uncovered the fine-hewn jewel of experience that lay—and , indeed , has always lain—beneath a chance encounter with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to ply his fellow worker with innumerable questions as an attempt to draw out each and every ounce of the irreplaceable joy , surprise , and astonishment he could derive from such pleasantries and small talk .
“ What are you picking up ?
Oh , how about that .
I needed some milk , too .
Hey , talk to you later !
” At press time , Kennedy ’ s coworker had made a light remark that he would “ see him around in cyberspace , ” a slight quip that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which now caused him to weep at its pure simplicity and beauty .

CHICAGO—A deep appreciation dawning upon him as he came to understand the sheer wonder radiated by such a rare occurrence, conversation-starved man Ryan Kennedy reportedly finally treated bumping into his coworker as the exquisite treasure it is, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Oh, hey, Eric! Great to see you,” said the newly enlightened man after spotting his office mate during a routine trip out to the corner store, nodding in deep gratitude as he uncovered the fine-hewn jewel of experience that lay—and, indeed, has always lain—beneath a chance encounter with a work colleague, before going on to ply his fellow worker with innumerable questions as an attempt to draw out each and every ounce of the irreplaceable joy, surprise, and astonishment he could derive from such pleasantries and small talk. “What are you picking up? Oh, how about that. I needed some milk, too. Hey, talk to you later!” At press time, Kennedy’s coworker had made a light remark that he would “see him around in cyberspace,” a slight quip that he would have found insufferable otherwise but which now caused him to weep at its pure simplicity and beauty.


theonion--2020-05-20--Notre Dame To Reopen Campus For Fall Semester

One of the first major universities to outline plans to reopen campus following nationwide closures , Notre Dame announced its @ @ @ @ @ and end by Thanksgiving , which administrators hope will minimize travel and reduce the likelihood @ @ @ @ @ campus .
What do you think ?
“ It ’ s a tough call , @ @ @ @ @ t deprive students of a few months in Indiana.
” “ Let this be a @ @ @ @ @ even good schools have no idea what they ’ re doing.
” “ I just @ @ @ @ @ stuck with a roommate whose ventilator keeps me up all night .
”

One of the first major universities to outline plans to reopen campus following nationwide closures, Notre Dame announced its fall semester will start early and end by Thanksgiving, which administrators hope will minimize travel and reduce the likelihood of transmitting the coronavirus on campus. What do you think?
“It’s a tough call, but you just can’t deprive students of a few months in Indiana.” Trina Shah • Cornichon Dealer
“Let this be a message to other universities that even good schools have no idea what they’re doing.” Raffaele Giangrande • Test Subject
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theonion--2020-05-19--U.S. To Combat Growing Disillusionment By Playing New National Pump-Up Anthem Throughout Country

The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation ’ s morale , but @ @ @ @ @ to change .
Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread @ @ @ @ @ pump-up anthem at full volume across the country .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The growing coronavirus death toll paired with weeks of social isolation is damaging the nation’s morale, but that all might be about to change. Hear how the U.S. plans to combat our collective sense of dread by blaring a brand-new national pump-up anthem at full volume across the country.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-21--Raspberry Self-Conscious About Amount Of Body Hair

ABERDEEN , MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance , an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious @ @ @ @ @ hair .
“ I know it says more about society than it does about me @ @ @ @ @ pretty bad about all this fuzz , ” said the raspberry , admitting that it @ @ @ @ @ and confidence when she could notice people recoiling at the sight of her hair .
@ @ @ @ @ to get rid of it , but it always grows back even more patchy and @ @ @ @ @ ’ s just hard to look at my peers and not feel inferior—blueberries have such @ @ @ @ @ ve heard the other berries talking shit , calling me the ‘ hirsute fruit.
’ @ @ @ @ @ I get tossed into a blender and chopped up for a smoothie.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ raspberry cursed her Greek origins for her tragic predicament .

ABERDEEN, MS—Expressing feelings of insecurity over her appearance, an organic raspberry revealed Thursday that she was incredibly self-conscious about her amount of body hair. “I know it says more about society than it does about me, but I still feel pretty bad about all this fuzz,” said the raspberry, admitting that it was difficult to maintain self-esteem and confidence when she could notice people recoiling at the sight of her hair. “I’ve tried to get rid of it, but it always grows back even more patchy and coarse than before. It’s just hard to look at my peers and not feel inferior—blueberries have such smooth skin. I’ve heard the other berries talking shit, calling me the ‘hirsute fruit.’ God, sometimes I hope I get tossed into a blender and chopped up for a smoothie.” At press time, the visibly depressed raspberry cursed her Greek origins for her tragic predicament.


theonion--2020-05-21--Frustrated CEO Admits Pfizer Discovered Coronavirus Vaccine Months Ago But Still Can’t Agree On Ad C

Frustrated CEO Admits Pfizer Discovered Coronavirus Vaccine Months Ago But Still Can’t Agree On Ad Campaign

NEW YORK—Declaring that he was worried about their progress and afraid that time was running out , frustrated Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla reportedly admitted Thursday that the company discovered a coronavirus vaccine months ago but still can ’ t agree on an ad campaign .
“ The vaccine was pretty simple , actually , and it ’ s all set to go , but the more research we do , the more it seems like an exciting , profitable marketing effort is beyond our reach , ” said Bourla , adding that advertising slogans for the vaccine , which protects @ @ @ @ @ @ @ having almost no effect on focus groups , and that Pfizer was still potentially months away from finding a mascot .
“ Coronavirus is incredibly devastating , which is why we have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to get all the ad copy and promotional materials right .
We want our vaccine campaign to strike the right tone—serious , but not too serious , maybe something like Bud Light did with ‘ dilly dilly , ’ some kind of catchphrase that everyone across the country will quickly remember .
We know how badly people want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we need to pull out all the stops to make it as memorable and entertaining for consumers as possible .
It ’ s just unfortunate when an advertising campaign isn ’ t as easy as finding the cure.
” Bourla added that Pfizer ’ s main worry was unveiling their coronavirus vaccine ad campaign before Johnson & Johnson or GlaxoSmithKline debuted their marketing .

NEW YORK—Declaring that he was worried about their progress and afraid that time was running out, frustrated Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla reportedly admitted Thursday that the company discovered a coronavirus vaccine months ago but still can’t agree on an ad campaign. “The vaccine was pretty simple, actually, and it’s all set to go, but the more research we do, the more it seems like an exciting, profitable marketing effort is beyond our reach,” said Bourla, adding that advertising slogans for the vaccine, which protects against Covid-19 in all cases, were having almost no effect on focus groups, and that Pfizer was still potentially months away from finding a mascot. “Coronavirus is incredibly devastating, which is why we have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to get all the ad copy and promotional materials right. We want our vaccine campaign to strike the right tone—serious, but not too serious, maybe something like Bud Light did with ‘dilly dilly,’ some kind of catchphrase that everyone across the country will quickly remember. We know how badly people want a coronavirus vaccine, which is why we need to pull out all the stops to make it as memorable and entertaining for consumers as possible. It’s just unfortunate when an advertising campaign isn’t as easy as finding the cure.” Bourla added that Pfizer’s main worry was unveiling their coronavirus vaccine ad campaign before Johnson & Johnson or GlaxoSmithKline debuted their marketing.


theonion--2020-05-21--Coronavirus Forces Ford Plants To Temporarily Close Days After Reopening

Two Ford plants were briefly closed Wednesday after employees tested positive for Covid-19 just two days after production resumed following @ @ @ @ @ the pandemic , highlighting how the virus could impede a return to normal operations .
@ @ @ @ @ “ What kind of idiot gets coronavirus at a time like this ?
” “ @ @ @ @ @ time to make at least a couple of cars.
” “ This whole thing could @ @ @ @ @ Ford had simply moved these jobs overseas .
”

Two Ford plants were briefly closed Wednesday after employees tested positive for Covid-19 just two days after production resumed following a two-month shutdown due to the pandemic, highlighting how the virus could impede a return to normal operations. What do you think?
“What kind of idiot gets coronavirus at a time like this?” Beth Shipka, Orthodontia Engineer
“Surely that’s enough time to make at least a couple of cars.” Zack Chrysan, Massage Supplier
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theonion--2020-05-21--Marriott CEO Tells Investors He’s Had A Good First Quarter In Terms Of His Personal Life

BETHESDA , MA—Addressing investors in a tense early morning teleconference call , Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson reportedly told investors Thursday that he ’ s had a pretty good first quarter just in terms of his personal life .
“ Yeah , skipping past some of the financials for a second , I think it ’ s worthwhile to mention I went to Aruba , which was cool—oh , and I started this really great yoga routine my wife introduced me to that ’ s made me feel really centered during the day , ” said Sorenson , pushing past @ @ @ @ @ @ @ available room to highlight that , just on an individual level , he was proud to announce that his daughter had to write an essay about her personal hero for an English class and actually decided to use him as a subject .
“ Obviously , we took a pretty big hit both domestically and abroad , but I just feel centered and much happier , so that ’ s something , right ?
Plus , I ’ ve been using a smoker I got for my birthday .
Have any of you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ribs yourself ?
It ’ s really nice to just sit out there and tend the fire .
Kind of primal in a nice way , if that makes sense.
” At press time , Sorenson had responded to a question about ballooning costs and nosediving revenue by describing the benefits of some of the meditation apps he had recently been toying around with .

BETHESDA, MA—Addressing investors in a tense early morning teleconference call, Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson reportedly told investors Thursday that he’s had a pretty good first quarter just in terms of his personal life. “Yeah, skipping past some of the financials for a second, I think it’s worthwhile to mention I went to Aruba, which was cool—oh, and I started this really great yoga routine my wife introduced me to that’s made me feel really centered during the day,” said Sorenson, pushing past a 22.5% decline in revenue per available room to highlight that, just on an individual level, he was proud to announce that his daughter had to write an essay about her personal hero for an English class and actually decided to use him as a subject. “Obviously, we took a pretty big hit both domestically and abroad, but I just feel centered and much happier, so that’s something, right? Plus, I’ve been using a smoker I got for my birthday. Have any of you ever tried smoking a whole rack of ribs yourself? It’s really nice to just sit out there and tend the fire. Kind of primal in a nice way, if that makes sense.” At press time, Sorenson had responded to a question about ballooning costs and nosediving revenue by describing the benefits of some of the meditation apps he had recently been toying around with.


theonion--2020-05-21--NFL Reminds Black Coaches They’ll Get Their Chance Once League Runs Out Of Grudens And Shanahans

NEW YORK—Promising the frustrated applicants that a job for them should open up any year now , the NFL reminded black coaches Thursday that they will get their chance as soon as the league runs out of Grudens and Shanahans .
“ We take diversity seriously , and we want black coaches to know they will get a fair shot once we get through the remaining four or five Grudens , ” said commissioner Roger Goodell , who addressed concerns over the lack of black coaches hired recently by assuring them that they just need to be patient , pay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if any Mannings want a shot at a head coaching job .
“ I know that there are some great black coaches who will be at the top of any team ’ s list , just as long as there are not any more Harbaughs floating around out there , because they would obviously get hired in a heartbeat .
And also , those LaFleurs are coming on pretty strong , so after that , but then I promise you will be good .
You ’ ll be ahead of any more Ryans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Goodell did warn that if any Gronkowskis ever wanted to coach it could set back black applicants ’ chances by 50 years .

NEW YORK—Promising the frustrated applicants that a job for them should open up any year now, the NFL reminded black coaches Thursday that they will get their chance as soon as the league runs out of Grudens and Shanahans. “We take diversity seriously, and we want black coaches to know they will get a fair shot once we get through the remaining four or five Grudens,” said commissioner Roger Goodell, who addressed concerns over the lack of black coaches hired recently by assuring them that they just need to be patient, pay their dues, and wait to see if any Mannings want a shot at a head coaching job. “I know that there are some great black coaches who will be at the top of any team’s list, just as long as there are not any more Harbaughs floating around out there, because they would obviously get hired in a heartbeat. And also, those LaFleurs are coming on pretty strong, so after that, but then I promise you will be good. You’ll be ahead of any more Ryans, that’s for sure.” Goodell did warn that if any Gronkowskis ever wanted to coach it could set back black applicants’ chances by 50 years.


theonion--2020-05-21--FiveThirtyEight Releases New Analytics Model Predicting Who Coronavirus Will Vote For

NEW YORK—In an attempt to keep its readers apprised of the infectious disease ’ s likely voting preferences , the data journalism website FiveThirtyEight unveiled a new analytics model Thursday that will attempt to predict who the coronavirus will support for president in November .
“ The question of which candidate this deadly global pandemic will vote for in the general election is what ’ s on everyone ’ s mind right now , and so we ’ re proud to announce the launch of FiveThirtyEight-19 , a unique and highly sophisticated Covid-19 vote forecasting tool , ” said editor-in-chief @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would employ a complex linear regression analysis to discern , with up to 99.2 % accuracy , whether the acute respiratory disease will cast its ballot for incumbent Donald Trump or challenger Joe Biden .
“ This module will provide ongoing , real-time predictions based on the latest polling of the virus , which could be a decisive factor in the election , with the issues it raises influencing policy for the next four years and beyond .
Of course , even a careful , data-driven approach has its limitations , especially since @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who lack clear political convictions and may not make up their minds until they enter the voting booth .
But by using 17 different variables to profile the virus , we believe we can estimate its presidential pick as well as its down-ballot selections with a modest degree of certainty.
” At press time , reports confirmed the FiveThirtyEight team was scrambling to come up with a new model after learning the coronavirus had mutated yet again .

NEW YORK—In an attempt to keep its readers apprised of the infectious disease’s likely voting preferences, the data journalism website FiveThirtyEight unveiled a new analytics model Thursday that will attempt to predict who the coronavirus will support for president in November. “The question of which candidate this deadly global pandemic will vote for in the general election is what’s on everyone’s mind right now, and so we’re proud to announce the launch of FiveThirtyEight-19, a unique and highly sophisticated Covid-19 vote forecasting tool,” said editor-in-chief Nate Silver, explaining the interactive feature would employ a complex linear regression analysis to discern, with up to 99.2% accuracy, whether the acute respiratory disease will cast its ballot for incumbent Donald Trump or challenger Joe Biden. “This module will provide ongoing, real-time predictions based on the latest polling of the virus, which could be a decisive factor in the election, with the issues it raises influencing policy for the next four years and beyond. Of course, even a careful, data-driven approach has its limitations, especially since the coronavirus is among those low-information voters who lack clear political convictions and may not make up their minds until they enter the voting booth. But by using 17 different variables to profile the virus, we believe we can estimate its presidential pick as well as its down-ballot selections with a modest degree of certainty.” At press time, reports confirmed the FiveThirtyEight team was scrambling to come up with a new model after learning the coronavirus had mutated yet again.


theonion--2020-05-21--Justin Bieber, Ariana Grande Deny Claim They Bought No. 1 Billboard Spot

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine accused Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande of using fraudulent means to bump their duet “ Stuck With @ @ @ @ @ on the Billboard Hot 100 ahead of his song “ Gooba , ” a claim @ @ @ @ @ deny .
What do you think ?
“ What ’ s the point of having @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t treat yourself to a number-on e song every now and then ?
@ @ @ @ @ ve just bought a cheap # 92 spot and let it grow over time.
” @ @ @ @ @ the only way they could be more popular than a man convicted of child sex @ @ @

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine accused Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande of using fraudulent means to bump their duet “Stuck With U” to number one on the Billboard Hot 100 ahead of his song “Gooba,” a claim both the artists and magazine deny. What do you think?
“What’s the point of having tons of money if you can’t treat yourself to a number-on e song every now and then?” Jake Aquino • Systems Analyst
“They should’ve just bought a cheap #92 spot and let it grow over time.” Claudia Ewell • Curfew Enforcer
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theonion--2020-05-21--Warm Weather Compels Concept Of ‘Bikini Bod’ To Slither Forward From Poisoned Subconscious

CHICAGO—The onset of warm weather reportedly compelled the buried concept of “ bikini bod ” to slither Thursday from the @ @ @ @ @ Maura Kingston , wriggling through dense toxic thoughts toward the light .
Several reports indicated @ @ @ @ @ glistening skin , and thigh gaps , ” crawled out of the darkest corners of @ @ @ @ @ screeched a warning that fruit actually contains a lot of carbohydrates .
Sources confirmed that @ @ @ @ @ phrase succor from the endless murkiness to which it had been banished the prior autumn @ @ @ @ @ hot ” reportedly hissed with glee while frantically writhing across Kingston ’ s mind as @ @ @ @ @ cacophonous pleas for sculpted muscles .
At press time , sources confirmed that the parasitic @ @ @ @ @ of a tanned stomach and toned , hairless arms while feasting on the remains of @ @ @ @ @

CHICAGO—The onset of warm weather reportedly compelled the buried concept of “bikini bod” to slither Thursday from the poisoned subconscious of local woman Maura Kingston, wriggling through dense toxic thoughts toward the light. Several reports indicated that “visible abs, glistening skin, and thigh gaps,” crawled out of the darkest corners of Kingston’s psyche and screeched a warning that fruit actually contains a lot of carbohydrates. Sources confirmed that the rising temperatures offered the phrase succor from the endless murkiness to which it had been banished the prior autumn. The expression “smoking hot” reportedly hissed with glee while frantically writhing across Kingston’s mind as its thousand toothless mouths shrieked cacophonous pleas for sculpted muscles. At press time, sources confirmed that the parasitic horror was oozing with notions of a tanned stomach and toned, hairless arms while feasting on the remains of Kingston’s self-acceptance.


theonion--2020-05-21--Benadryl Introduces New Controlled Coma Pills To Sedate Users For Entirety Of Allergy Season

Following today ’ s FDA approval for over-the-counter use , Benadryl ’ s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating @ @ @ @ @ into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Following today’s FDA approval for over-the-counter use, Benadryl’s new Sedate Plus could soon be alleviating your symptoms by forcing you into a deep state of unconsciousness for six months of allergy season.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-22--How To Stay Connected To Others During Social Distancing

Hey , we ’ ve given you plenty of tips , so can you do one thing for us ?
@ @ @ @ @ us your home address ?
It ’ s a little embarrassing .
We ordered some @ @ @ @ @ board to share , but we don ’ t want our neighbors to see the @ @ @ @ @ You ’ d really be helping us out , and you can use them one @ @ @ @ @ you promise to rinse .

Hey, we’ve given you plenty of tips, so can you do one thing for us? Great, could you email us your home address? It’s a little embarrassing. We ordered some Tenga Eggs for the editorial board to share, but we don’t want our neighbors to see the Tenga-branded truck pull up. You’d really be helping us out, and you can use them one time before contacting us if you promise to rinse.


theonion--2020-05-22--Lori Loughlin, Mossimo Giannulli Plead Guilty In College Admissions Scandal

Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband , fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli , will plead guilty to conspiracy charges for their @ @ @ @ @ admissions scandal , with the couple facing between two to five months in jail and @ @ @ @ @ between them .
What do you think ?
“ People like Loughlin are why my @ @ @ @ @ into USC .
That and her sh itty grades.
” “ Maybe next time they @ @ @ @ @ and have a campus library named after them.
” “ Does being rich and beautiful @ @ @ @ @ ”

Actress Lori Loughlin and her husband, fashion designer Mossimo Giannulli, will plead guilty to conspiracy charges for their role in the 2019 college admissions scandal, with the couple facing between two to five months in jail and nearly $300,000 in fines between them. What do you think?
“People like Loughlin are why my daughter didn’t get into USC. That and her sh itty grades.” Murray Drake • Lizard Auctioneer
“Maybe next time they’ll play it straight and have a campus library named after them.” Arthur Gan • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-05-22--Governor Upset Barber Would Be So Reckless As To Get Near Ben Roethlisberger

PITTSBURGH—Referring to the decision to open his doors to the Steeler quarterback as “ brash and wrongheaded , ” Pennsylvania @ @ @ @ @ Friday that he was upset at a local barber for being so reckless as to @ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m angry that some people in Pennsylvania still don ’ t understand @ @ @ @ @ meeting Roethlisberger in private , ” said Wolf , who recommended against being within 6 @ @ @ @ @ wearing protective equipment .
“ We still haven ’ t approved Pittsburgh residents to be @ @ @ @ @ and it ’ s simply unacceptable to skirt state guidelines like this .
There are @ @ @ @ @ exposed to this man .
I hope I ’ m making myself very clear when @ @ @ @ @ threat to everyone no matter your age group or health.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ to recount the story of a woman who ended up in the hospital just minutes @ @ @ @ @ s presence .

PITTSBURGH—Referring to the decision to open his doors to the Steeler quarterback as “brash and wrongheaded,” Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf told reporters Friday that he was upset at a local barber for being so reckless as to get near Ben Roethlisberger. “I’m angry that some people in Pennsylvania still don’t understand the perilous risks involved in meeting Roethlisberger in private,” said Wolf, who recommended against being within 6 feet of the quarterback without wearing protective equipment. “We still haven’t approved Pittsburgh residents to be this close to Ben, and it’s simply unacceptable to skirt state guidelines like this. There are major consequences associated with being exposed to this man. I hope I’m making myself very clear when I say Roethlisberger is a threat to everyone no matter your age group or health.” At press time, Wolf took to social media to recount the story of a woman who ended up in the hospital just minutes after being in Roethlisberger’s presence.


theonion--2020-05-22--Xi Jinping Warns Of Second Coronavirus Wave Likely To Disappear Thousands Of Hong Kong Residents

BEIJING—In an effort to prepare Chinese citizens for the ongoing pandemic , President Xi Jinping struck a dour note Friday , warning that a second wave of coronavirus had the potential to disappear thousands of Hong Kong residents .
“ If Coronavirus cases begin to spike again , we all have to be ready for a tragic reality in which literally thousands of Hongkongers could completely vanish off the map without a trace , ” said Xi Jinping , urging citizens to do their part by refraining from high-risk activities such as protesting outdoors or engaging in mass demonstrations of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ certain communities , such as journalists and human rights activists , will be particularly vulnerable in this second wave , but it ’ s unfortunately a possibility for anyone living in Hong Kong .
And while we expect the complete obliteration of a person ’ s former identity to primarily affect adults , we know that there could be mysterious disappearances of children as young as 12.
” Xi Jinping went on to recommend that Hong Kong residents do their part to defend against the second wave of coronavirus by swearing absolute fealty @ @ @ @ @

BEIJING—In an effort to prepare Chinese citizens for the ongoing pandemic, President Xi Jinping struck a dour note Friday, warning that a second wave of coronavirus had the potential to disappear thousands of Hong Kong residents. “If Coronavirus cases begin to spike again, we all have to be ready for a tragic reality in which literally thousands of Hongkongers could completely vanish off the map without a trace,” said Xi Jinping, urging citizens to do their part by refraining from high-risk activities such as protesting outdoors or engaging in mass demonstrations of any kind. “We know that certain communities, such as journalists and human rights activists, will be particularly vulnerable in this second wave, but it’s unfortunately a possibility for anyone living in Hong Kong. And while we expect the complete obliteration of a person’s former identity to primarily affect adults, we know that there could be mysterious disappearances of children as young as 12.” Xi Jinping went on to recommend that Hong Kong residents do their part to defend against the second wave of coronavirus by swearing absolute fealty to the Chinese government.


theonion--2020-05-22--11 Simple Cocktail Recipes To Try While Quarantining

Old Fashioned : Add 2 ounces of whiskey , wait , no , rum .
Wait , never mind , @ @ @ @ @ time , add whiskey .
Then maybe a dash of lemon juice ?
Or bitters @ @ @ @ @ both , and see where that gets you ?
Then like , simple syrup or @ @ @ @ @ is this so hard to remember ?

Old Fashioned: Add 2 ounces of whiskey, wait, no, rum. Wait, never mind, we were right the first time, add whiskey. Then maybe a dash of lemon juice? Or bitters? Maybe a little of both, and see where that gets you? Then like, simple syrup or something. Fuck, why is this so hard to remember?


theonion--2020-05-22--A True Miracle: This Woman Just Gave Birth To A Nintendo Switch

Prepare yourselves for some astonishing news , gamers !
A biological phenomenon previously dismissed as impossible has finally occurred , transforming our fundamental understanding of science and human physiology for generations to come .
Early this Friday morning , 28-year-old Sarah Holder was blessed by miraculously giving birth to an operational Nintendo Switch !
Readers , look upon this glorious birth and be filled with wonder !
This is game-changing stuff .
Here ’ s why : For all of recorded history , our understanding of human reproductive systems has been hampered by the foolhardy belief that our physiology and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Now , however , this single unprecedented birth has upended such unfounded beliefs , bringing us a 0.66-pound bundle of joy that includes a set of Joy-Con controllers and an adorable built-in LCD display .
Of course , every pregnancy comes with its set of challenges , and the story of this newborn Nintendo Switch is no exception .
Early ultrasounds revealed that the developing console started out sharing the womb with a human twin before absorbing the child ’ s nutrients in order to develop a functional touchscreen .
Doctors also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ power cords , which had become dangerously wrapped around its screen during birth , threatening some of the console ’ s crucial operating capabilities .
Despite these difficulties , however , Holder described the console in an interview with OGN as the “ best thing that had ever happened to her.
” Watching the new mother swaddle her newly delivered console while staring into its glowing screen really hit home for us how this isn ’ t just a win for gamers everywhere , it ’ s also a feel-good story with a @ @ @ @

Prepare yourselves for some astonishing news, gamers! A biological phenomenon previously dismissed as impossible has finally occurred, transforming our fundamental understanding of science and human physiology for generations to come. Early this Friday morning, 28-year-old Sarah Holder was blessed by miraculously giving birth to an operational Nintendo Switch!
Readers, look upon this glorious birth and be filled with wonder! This is game-changing stuff.
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Here’s why: For all of recorded history, our understanding of human reproductive systems has been hampered by the foolhardy belief that our physiology and video game hardware are incapable of mingling. Now, however, this single unprecedented birth has upended such unfounded beliefs, bringing us a 0.66-pound bundle of joy that includes a set of Joy-Con controllers and an adorable built-in LCD display.
Of course, every pregnancy comes with its set of challenges, and the story of this newborn Nintendo Switch is no exception. Early ultrasounds revealed that the developing console started out sharing the womb with a human twin before absorbing the child’s nutrients in order to develop a functional touchscreen. Doctors also had to untangle the Switch’s power cords, which had become dangerously wrapped around its screen during birth, threatening some of the console’s crucial operating capabilities.
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Despite these difficulties, however, Holder described the console in an interview with OGN as the “best thing that had ever happened to her.” Watching the new mother swaddle her newly delivered console while staring into its glowing screen really hit home for us how this isn’t just a win for gamers everywhere, it’s also a feel-good story with a genuinely happy ending.


theonion--2020-05-22--What To Know About The Flooding In Michigan

Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland , Michigan , leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state ’ s handling of the coronavirus pandemic .
The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan .
Q : What caused the flooding ?
A : Water .
Same as always .
Q : Where are the failing dams located ?
A : The skin flap between the pointer finger and the middle finger .
Q : Is everything wet ?
A : Yes , experts have confirmed that everything is wet as fuck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ flooding had on the state ’ s coronavirus response ?
A : Hypocritical government officials are now demanding citizens evacuate their homes , completely contradicting their previous stay-at-home order .
Q : How large is the evacuation ?
A : About 10,000 people and roughly 73 different toxins from the Dow Chemical complex .
Q : Could this disaster have been prevented ?
A : No , it ’ s just one of those things that no one can predict , except the EPA in 2017 .
Q : What are we doing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
A : Top experts are working to ensure it never rains in Michigan again .
Q : Is this the worst disaster in Michigan history ?
A : No , that would be the 42-39 loss to Ohio State in 2006 .

Heavy rainfalls led to the failure of two dams around Midland, Michigan, leading to mass evacuations and complicating the state’s handling of the coronavirus pandemic. The Onion answers the most important questions about the flooding in Michigan.
Q: What caused the flooding?
A: Water. Same as always.
Q: Where are the failing dams located?
A: The skin flap between the pointer finger and the middle finger.
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Q: Is everything wet?
A: Yes, experts have confirmed that everything is wet as fuck.
Q: What impact has the flooding had on the state’s coronavirus response?
A: Hypocritical government officials are now demanding citizens evacuate their homes, completely contradicting their previous stay-at-home order.
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Q: How large is the evacuation?
A: About 10,000 people and roughly 73 different toxins from the Dow Chemical complex.
Q: Could this disaster have been prevented?
A: No, it’s just one of those things that no one can predict, except the EPA in 2017.
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Q: What are we doing to prevent future flooding on this scale?
A: Top experts are working to ensure it never rains in Michigan again.
Q: Is this the worst disaster in Michigan history?
A: No, that would be the 42-39 loss to Ohio State in 2006.


theonion--2020-05-22--Judge Rules Salvage Company Can Cut Into Titanic Wreck

An underwater salvage firm has been granted permission to cut into the Titanic to remove the ship ’ s telegraph @ @ @ @ @ including the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration argue the wreckage is a grave site and @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ But you ’ re allowed to take anything you @ @ @ @ @ ?
How is tha t fair ?
” “ If this is true , then @ @ @ @ @ just pay $ 2 million for at Sotheby ’ s ?
” “ Everyone is @ @ @ @ @ Can ’ t we poke around in the clouds for once ?
”

An underwater salvage firm has been granted permission to cut into the Titanic to remove the ship’s telegraph machine, though several groups including the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration argue the wreckage is a grave site and should not be disturbed. What do you think?
“But you’re allowed to take anything you want from a car crash? How is tha t fair?” Omar Lockwood • Aeronautical Plumber
“If this is true, then what the fuck did I just pay $2 million for at Sotheby’s?” Sheldon Whitmore • Sinkhole Realtor
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theonion--2020-05-22--Quarantine Leading To More People Taking In Foster Gimps

In these trying times where social isolation is the norm , companionship has become a top priority for many Americans @ @ @ @ @ ’ s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

In these trying times where social isolation is the norm, companionship has become a top priority for many Americans. Which is why it’s no surprise more rescue subs than ever before are now finding their forever dungeon.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-22--10 Things That Will Make You SUPER Nostalgic For The ’90s

Rwandan genocide : OMG , this takes us WAY back .
Way back to the ’ 90s , that is @

Rwandan genocide: OMG, this takes us WAY back. Way back to the ’90s, that is!


theonion--2020-05-25--CDC Issues Safety Guidelines For Pools, Water Parks, Hot Tubs

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released new guidelines for public pools and aquatic centers set to reopen @ @ @ @ @ and guests to wear masks and maintain social distancing both in and out of the @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ I bought a skimpy little face mask that will hopefully cut down @ @ @ @ @ “ Okay , but are we still allowed to drown ?
”

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have released new guidelines for public pools and aquatic centers set to reopen this summer, urging employees and guests to wear masks and maintain social distancing both in and out of the water. What do you think?
“Oh crap, I didn’t realize the virus can swim.” Wally Alleborn • Slipcover Embroiderer
“I bought a skimpy little face mask that will hopefully cut down on unsightly tan lines.” Natasha Conger • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-05-25--Man Always Self-Sabotaging By Working To The Best Of His Ability

CENTENNIAL , CO—Explaining how he frequently went against his own interests by trying as hard as he could , sources close to local database developer Patrick Ryan confirmed Monday that he was always self-sabotaging by working to the best of his ability .
“ Pat has so much potential , but he keeps kneecapping himself by putting his heart and soul into everything he does , ” said Tala Simmons , Ryan ’ s coworker at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services , who described how the man had continually sullied his reputation among their supervisors by attempting to do his job thoroughly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hard to watch Pat holding himself back by pouring his every last ounce of his talent into projects .
It ’ s not just at the office , either : The guy has a family , and he keeps fucking things up at home by setting a high standard for himself and making a commitment to uphold it .
I don ’ t know what kind of world he thinks he ’ s living in , but he ’ s really setting himself up for failure.
” Sources went on to report that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the contrary , was absolutely thriving in both his career and personal life by not giving a shit .

CENTENNIAL, CO—Explaining how he frequently went against his own interests by trying as hard as he could, sources close to local database developer Patrick Ryan confirmed Monday that he was always self-sabotaging by working to the best of his ability. “Pat has so much potential, but he keeps kneecapping himself by putting his heart and soul into everything he does,” said Tala Simmons, Ryan’s coworker at Bridgemeyer Marketing Services, who described how the man had continually sullied his reputation among their supervisors by attempting to do his job thoroughly and conscientiously. “It’s hard to watch Pat holding himself back by pouring his every last ounce of his talent into projects. It’s not just at the office, either: The guy has a family, and he keeps fucking things up at home by setting a high standard for himself and making a commitment to uphold it. I don’t know what kind of world he thinks he’s living in, but he’s really setting himself up for failure.” Sources went on to report that Patrick’s brother Lawrence, on the contrary, was absolutely thriving in both his career and personal life by not giving a shit.


theonion--2020-05-25--The 9 Most SCANDALOUS Rihanna Photos

The 9 Most SCANDALOUS Rihanna Photos

We would be remiss were we not to include the infamous leaked photos of Ri-Ri following her assault at the @ @ @ @ @

We would be remiss were we not to include the infamous leaked photos of Ri-Ri following her assault at the hands of Chris Brown.


theonion--2020-05-25--Complete Bullshit: Designers Of This Online Shooter Made It So This Guy Died Even Though He Totally

Complete Bullshit: Designers Of This Online Shooter Made It So This Guy Died Even Though He Totally Ducked

Now here ’ s an example of developers who aren ’ t doing their jobs .
Riot Games , the publisher behind the upcoming 5v5 shooter Valorant , apparently designed it so that beta user Kyle Evans died even though he totally ducked .
This is the sort of bullshit we hate to see in games .
“ What the fuck was that ?
” the 27-year-old reportedly shouted into his microphone , bemoaning the faulty game design that allowed his character to crumple to the ground from a shotgun blast despite clearly having dodged out of the way .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a game doesn ’ t even work right .
I wasn ’ t a tiny bit close to where that shot went.
” “ Screw this , ” added the victim of the shooter ’ s patently unfair mechanics , which Riot Games intentionally programmed to cause those like himself to suffer such arbitrary deaths .
What ’ s most frustrating is imagining the hours upon hours of physics development and predictive modeling it required for Riot Games to both anticipate where Evans was heading and then to arc bullets into his direction @ @ @ @ @ @ @ physics .
You ’ d think the developer would have better things to do with their time than pointlessly beat up on players , but apparently these snakes are only focused on making Evans ’ gaming experience that much more infuriating .
Even worse ?
This isn ’ t the first time this particular gamer has been targeted by Riot Games .
In fact , it ’ s coming fresh on the heels of another totally unjust experience in which he was killed by a grenade even though he was reportedly already halfway @ @ @ @ @ @ @ question : Why is Riot Games doing this ?
Do they have a vendetta against Evans ?
Do they find it entertaining to ruin someone ’ s play sessions for no apparent reason ?
Or are they simply cruel individuals who take pleasure from the suffering of others ?
Whatever it is , let ’ s hope they release a patch soon that can make things right .
Otherwise , we will have no choice but to ask our readers to boycott their game in perpetuity .
Stay tuned !

Now here’s an example of developers who aren’t doing their jobs. Riot Games, the publisher behind the upcoming 5v5 shooter Valorant, apparently designed it so that beta user Kyle Evans died even though he totally ducked.
This is the sort of bullshit we hate to see in games.
“What the fuck was that?” the 27-year-old reportedly shouted into his microphone, bemoaning the faulty game design that allowed his character to crumple to the ground from a shotgun blast despite clearly having dodged out of the way. “It’s so annoying when a game doesn’t even work right. I wasn’t a tiny bit close to where that shot went.”
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“Screw this,” added the victim of the shooter’s patently unfair mechanics, which Riot Games intentionally programmed to cause those like himself to suffer such arbitrary deaths.
What’s most frustrating is imagining the hours upon hours of physics development and predictive modeling it required for Riot Games to both anticipate where Evans was heading and then to arc bullets into his direction, in defiance of all laws of physics. You’d think the developer would have better things to do with their time than pointlessly beat up on players, but apparently these snakes are only focused on making Evans’ gaming experience that much more infuriating.
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Even worse? This isn’t the first time this particular gamer has been targeted by Riot Games. In fact, it’s coming fresh on the heels of another totally unjust experience in which he was killed by a grenade even though he was reportedly already halfway across the map. It raises the question: Why is Riot Games doing this? Do they have a vendetta against Evans? Do they find it entertaining to ruin someone’s play sessions for no apparent reason? Or are they simply cruel individuals who take pleasure from the suffering of others?
Whatever it is, let’s hope they release a patch soon that can make things right. Otherwise, we will have no choice but to ask our readers to boycott their game in perpetuity. Stay tuned!


theonion--2020-05-25--Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To

Military Announces $2 Million Research Initiative To Find Out How Mother Of 3 Kathy Summers Able To Do It All

Department of Defense officials believe the mother ’ s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband @ @ @ @ @ enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Department of Defense officials believe the mother’s impressive ability to care for her three energetic children and husband Landon while still carving out enough me-time to keep from pulling her hair out could have countless applications in the U.S. army.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-26--Trump Claims To Have Stopped Taking Hydroxychloroquine

In an interview this past Sunday , President Trump claimed he has completed a regimen of hydroxychloroquine , an anti-malarial @ @ @ @ @ possible Covid-19 treatment that researchers say increases the risk of potentially fatal heart arrhythmias in @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Taking part in drug trials is a good way to make some @ @ @ @ @ , I never believed he ’ d started taking it , so good luck getting @ @ @ @ @ s stopped.
” “ There ’ s not really any reason to take it now @ @ @ @ @ ”

In an interview this past Sunday, President Trump claimed he has completed a regimen of hydroxychloroquine, an anti-malarial drug being touted as a possible Covid-19 treatment that researchers say increases the risk of potentially fatal heart arrhythmias in patients. What do you think?
“Taking part in drug trials is a good way to make some extra cash.” Eugene Vergara, Air Conditioning Advocate
“Well, I never believed he’d started taking it, so good luck getting me to believe he’s stopped.” Christian Caudill, High-End Librarian
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theonion--2020-05-26--Minneapolis Police Now Requiring Officers To Undergo Ergonomics Training To Better Protect Knees

MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for a lack of oversight following the death of George Floyd after police officer Derek Chauvin pinned him to the ground , Minneapolis Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they are now requiring all officers to undergo ergonomics training to better protect their knees .
“ After reviewing video of the incident , we are disturbed by the officer repeatedly placing excessive stress on the knee joint , and will immediately implement stretching protocols to ensure this never happens again , ” said a spokesperson for the Minneapolis police , noting that the officer ’ s actions were completely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for long-term joint health .
“ Frankly , the officer could have done permanent damage to his ACL while crushing a suspect ’ s windpipe like that .
If our officers are going to be out in the field kneeing people in the neck over and over again , that ’ s a repeat-use injury just waiting to happen , and we must address it .
We need to ensure all of our officers know how to act in a more dangerous situation where they may be required to lift with their backs.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ normally they would place the involved officer on desk duty , but in this case they didn ’ t want to risk causing further damage to his knees .

MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for a lack of oversight following the death of George Floyd after police officer Derek Chauvin pinned him to the ground, Minneapolis Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they are now requiring all officers to undergo ergonomics training to better protect their knees. “After reviewing video of the incident, we are disturbed by the officer repeatedly placing excessive stress on the knee joint, and will immediately implement stretching protocols to ensure this never happens again,” said a spokesperson for the Minneapolis police, noting that the officer’s actions were completely antithetical to the department’s standards for long-term joint health. “Frankly, the officer could have done permanent damage to his ACL while crushing a suspect’s windpipe like that. If our officers are going to be out in the field kneeing people in the neck over and over again, that’s a repeat-use injury just waiting to happen, and we must address it. We need to ensure all of our officers know how to act in a more dangerous situation where they may be required to lift with their backs.” The Minneapolis Police Department added that normally they would place the involved officer on desk duty, but in this case they didn’t want to risk causing further damage to his knees.


theonion--2020-05-26--DNC To Streamline Fundraising By Cutting Out Unnecessary Cost Of Campaigns, Candidates

WASHINGTON—In a letter to top donors explaining how their contributions would now be spent more efficiently than ever , the Democratic National Committee announced plans Tuesday to streamline its fundraising by completely eliminating the unnecessary costs of campaigns and candidates .
“ We ’ re confident that once our party is freed from the burden of putting forth nominees and running expensive campaigns , we ’ ll finally be able to focus all our efforts on generating as much revenue as possible , ” wrote DNC chairman Tom Perez , adding that he hoped an upcoming series of fundraisers to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ invited would help pay for even bigger fundraisers down the line .
“ So just go online , make your donation , and we ’ ll take it from there .
Whether you ’ re able to give $ 5 a month or cut us a check for the annual maximum of $ 35,500 , we promise to take that money and put it toward making even more money .
We ’ re confident that with no candidates or platforms to disagree on , Democrats of every stripe will unite to give us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wanted .
Together , we can do this.
” At press time , reports confirmed Perez was threatening to disburse all cash on hand to President Trump ’ s reelection campaign if donors failed to reach the DNC ’ s spring fundraising goal .

WASHINGTON—In a letter to top donors explaining how their contributions would now be spent more efficiently than ever, the Democratic National Committee announced plans Tuesday to streamline its fundraising by completely eliminating the unnecessary costs of campaigns and candidates. “We’re confident that once our party is freed from the burden of putting forth nominees and running expensive campaigns, we’ll finally be able to focus all our efforts on generating as much revenue as possible,” wrote DNC chairman Tom Perez, adding that he hoped an upcoming series of fundraisers to which the letter’s recipients were invited would help pay for even bigger fundraisers down the line. “So just go online, make your donation, and we’ll take it from there. Whether you’re able to give $5 a month or cut us a check for the annual maximum of $35,500, we promise to take that money and put it toward making even more money. We’re confident that with no candidates or platforms to disagree on, Democrats of every stripe will unite to give us the financial support we’ve always wanted. Together, we can do this.” At press time, reports confirmed Perez was threatening to disburse all cash on hand to President Trump’s reelection campaign if donors failed to reach the DNC’s spring fundraising goal.


theonion--2020-05-26--Top So-Called Expired Items That Are Still Perfectly Good

Crisco Vegetable Shortening : Look , we were in the middle of making a cake , and there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ going all the way out to the store to get some fresh shortening .

Crisco Vegetable Shortening: Look, we were in the middle of making a cake, and there’s no way we’re going all the way out to the store to get some fresh shortening.


theonion--2020-05-26--Trump: ‘Even One Death That Makes Me Look Bad Is A Tragedy’

WASHINGTON—Seeking to provide comfort in the face of the coronavirus epidemic , President Donald Trump held a press conference Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ one death that makes him look bad is a tragedy .
“ Every single loss @ @ @ @ @ be directly attributed to my actions is one too many , ” said Trump , @ @ @ @ @ of a citizen succumbing to Covid-19 was a singularly devastating event with untold impact on @ @ @ @ @ There are simply no words to express how truly horrible it is that I could @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s very sad and hard to imagine what I ’ ve been @ @ @ @ @ these departed Americans leaves behind family and friends , and it is deeply upsetting to @ @ @ @ @ I was responsible.
” Trump closed his remarks by urging the nation to come together @ @ @ @ @ to pin this all on .

WASHINGTON—Seeking to provide comfort in the face of the coronavirus epidemic, President Donald Trump held a press conference Tuesday, reflecting sadly that even one death that makes him look bad is a tragedy. “Every single loss of human life that can be directly attributed to my actions is one too many,” said Trump, telling reporters that each case of a citizen succumbing to Covid-19 was a singularly devastating event with untold impact on his likeability numbers. “There are simply no words to express how truly horrible it is that I could be blamed for these casualties. It’s very sad and hard to imagine what I’ve been going through. Each of these departed Americans leaves behind family and friends, and it is deeply upsetting to think that they could claim I was responsible.” Trump closed his remarks by urging the nation to come together in finding a different scapegoat to pin this all on.


theonion--2020-05-26--8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement

8 People Having A Way Better Day Than You, Although Perhaps It Is Reckless To Make A Snap Judgement About Another Person’s Life Based Solely On An Image

Kicking back on the couch sure beats a day at the office !
Perhaps , though , that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ views and desires on this individual .
If you actually delved deeper you might not @ @ @ @ @ on the bleak and growing distance between this man and his family and the haunting @ @ @ @ @ never took any chances in his life .

Kicking back on the couch sure beats a day at the office! Perhaps, though, that’s just you projecting your own views and desires on this individual. If you actually delved deeper you might not be so eager to take on the bleak and growing distance between this man and his family and the haunting sense of regret that he never took any chances in his life.


theonion--2020-05-26--Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 26, 2020

No offense , but when Aquarius got into this business , dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure @ @ @ @ @ what it had in mind .

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll finally open up about your innermost hopes and dreams this week, though the whole thing will be pretty hard to hear with everyone laughing so damn hard.


theonion--2020-05-26--Heavenly Sources Confirm Jesus Christ Will Transfer To Iowa State University After Getting Grades Up

The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western @ @ @ @ @ We ’ ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah ’ s @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The once-academically troubled son of God was finally able to get his GPA up during this past semester at Western Iowa Tech Community College. We’ve got the latest on the next chapter of the messiah’s ongoing education.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-27--Jack Dorsey Assures Twitter Users That Company Having Most Idiotic Possible Internal Conversations A

Jack Dorsey Assures Twitter Users That Company Having Most Idiotic Possible Internal Conversations About Trump’s Account

SAN FRANCISCO—Responding to continued outcry over their handling of the president ’ s often false and aggressive tweets , Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey reportedly assured users Wednesday that the company was having the most idiotic possible internal conversations about Donald Trump ’ s account .
“ I understand many of our users are concerned , and I want to be transparent that at Twitter HQ , we ’ re working around the clock to address this in the least helpful , most inept way possible , ” said Dorsey , adding that in cases involving Trump ’ s Twitter account @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the spread of misinformation on the platform , the company ’ s chief concerns all centered around unimaginably puerile bullshit that ignored any real retrospection on any of the platform ’ s actual issues .
“ Believe me when I say that our top dimwits are engaged in absolutely fucking moronic discussions about what Trump tweets .
Our emails and Slack channels are full of cringingly short-sighted and searingly stupid ideas , because at Twitter we address concerns as thoughtlessly and with as little intelligence as we can .
We want our users @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of this or any issue you fall on , we promise to find a resolution that doesn ’ t solve anything , exacerbates the problem , and makes everyone mad.
” At press time , Dorsey responded to outcry by assuring Twitter users that all of their most idiotic and bafflingly uninformed suggestions were being heard .

SAN FRANCISCO—Responding to continued outcry over their handling of the president’s often false and aggressive tweets, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey reportedly assured users Wednesday that the company was having the most idiotic possible internal conversations about Donald Trump’s account. “I understand many of our users are concerned, and I want to be transparent that at Twitter HQ, we’re working around the clock to address this in the least helpful, most inept way possible,” said Dorsey, adding that in cases involving Trump’s Twitter account, questions of free speech, and the spread of misinformation on the platform, the company’s chief concerns all centered around unimaginably puerile bullshit that ignored any real retrospection on any of the platform’s actual issues. “Believe me when I say that our top dimwits are engaged in absolutely fucking moronic discussions about what Trump tweets. Our emails and Slack channels are full of cringingly short-sighted and searingly stupid ideas, because at Twitter we address concerns as thoughtlessly and with as little intelligence as we can. We want our users to understand that no matter what side of this or any issue you fall on, we promise to find a resolution that doesn’t solve anything, exacerbates the problem, and makes everyone mad.” At press time, Dorsey responded to outcry by assuring Twitter users that all of their most idiotic and bafflingly uninformed suggestions were being heard.


theonion--2020-05-27--Inspiring: CD Projekt Red To Immortalize Programmers Who Died Making ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ As NPCs So The

Inspiring: CD Projekt Red To Immortalize Programmers Who Died Making ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ As NPCs So They Can Serve CD Projekt Forever

Over the last few years , the gaming industry has been rocked by reports of the brutal crunch culture around programming .
Thankfully , CD Projekt Red , creators of the Witcher series , stepped up to the plate today to make things right by announcing that all the coders who died in the making of Cyberpunk 2077 will be immortalized as in-game NPCs , where they will be able to continue serving the company forever as faithful employees .
“ We know the toll working on a title as massive as Cyberpunk can take , which is why we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deserving reward for any of our employees who made the ultimate sacrifice , ” said director Adam Badowski in a statement to OGN , describing the dozens of NPCs throughout the game world modeled on the likenesses , personalities , and desk decorations of deceased employees who worked 100-hour weeks to ensure the game shipped on time .
“ It ’ s a really touching tribute to see the faces of those who lost their lives making Cyberpunk 2077 and know that they ’ ll be strapped to their virtual desk forever , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ developer.
” “ Wherever you go in the game , you ’ ll see these programmers , buying Syncomp off a dealer to help them stay up late to iron out some choppy framerate issues or even just muttering to themselves about stabilizing the play experience as they succumb to a panic attack in one of our immaculately rendered neon alleys , ” he added .
It ’ s genuinely touching to navigate through the immersive world of Night City and see these lost souls represented in the gorgeous REDengine , forever chipping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and debugging .
What ’ s even better is that each and every one of them has a faithfully recreated cubicle filled with gag calendars and discarded cans of Monster energy drink where they can make anxiety-ridden calls home to tell their spouses that they need to stay late to power through their 19th straight hour of playtesting .
Let ’ s all hope more developers follow in the footsteps of CD Projekt ’ s heartfelt monument to their workers .
Whether it ’ s having a fake business named for them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or becoming the basis for a level boss in the next title by FromSoftware , those that give their lives for our beloved pastime deserve to be honored for their service .

Over the last few years, the gaming industry has been rocked by reports of the brutal crunch culture around programming. Thankfully, CD Projekt Red, creators of the Witcher series, stepped up to the plate today to make things right by announcing that all the coders who died in the making of Cyberpunk 2077 will be immortalized as in-game NPCs, where they will be able to continue serving the company forever as faithful employees.
Finally, a gaming company that cares.
“We know the toll working on a title as massive as Cyberpunk can take, which is why we wanted to make sure we included a deserving reward for any of our employees who made the ultimate sacrifice,” said director Adam Badowski in a statement to OGN, describing the dozens of NPCs throughout the game world modeled on the likenesses, personalities, and desk decorations of deceased employees who worked 100-hour weeks to ensure the game shipped on time. “It’s a really touching tribute to see the faces of those who lost their lives making Cyberpunk 2077 and know that they’ll be strapped to their virtual desk forever, making new open-world titles for their favorite developer.”
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“Wherever you go in the game, you’ll see these programmers, buying Syncomp off a dealer to help them stay up late to iron out some choppy framerate issues or even just muttering to themselves about stabilizing the play experience as they succumb to a panic attack in one of our immaculately rendered neon alleys,” he added.
It’s genuinely touching to navigate through the immersive world of Night City and see these lost souls represented in the gorgeous REDengine, forever chipping away at their unfinished modeling, coding, and debugging. What’s even better is that each and every one of them has a faithfully recreated cubicle filled with gag calendars and discarded cans of Monster energy drink where they can make anxiety-ridden calls home to tell their spouses that they need to stay late to power through their 19th straight hour of playtesting.
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Let’s all hope more developers follow in the footsteps of CD Projekt’s heartfelt monument to their workers. Whether it’s having a fake business named for them in the next Grand Theft Auto, or becoming the basis for a level boss in the next title by FromSoftware, those that give their lives for our beloved pastime deserve to be honored for their service.


theonion--2020-05-27--Twitter Refuses To Remove Trump Tweets About Scarborough Conspiracy Theory

Twitter confirmed it will not remove President Trump ’ s tweets regarding a debunked conspiracy theory that TV host Joe @ @ @ @ @ 2001 , saying the posts do not violate the company ’ s terms of service @ @ @ @ @ the woman ’ s widower claiming regular users would be banned for similar tweets .
@ @ @ @ @ “ And yet I got banned for tweeting ‘ eat shit ’ at Wheat Thins.
@ @ @ @ @ is a much better platform for accusing someone of murder.
” “ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ every tweet from some random wacko .
”

Twitter confirmed it will not remove President Trump’s tweets regarding a debunked conspiracy theory that TV host Joe Scarborough murdered a woman in 2001, saying the posts do not violate the company’s terms of service despite an open letter from the woman’s widower claiming regular users would be banned for similar tweets. What do you think?
“And yet I got banned for tweeting ‘eat shit’ at Wheat Thins.” Lyle Hodges • Unemployed
“Everyone knows Instagram is a much better platform for accusing someone of murder.” Brett Gangle • Rubix Cube Champion
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theonion--2020-05-27--10 Breathtaking Photos That Perfectly Capture The Unwavering Spirit Of Scissors

Gaze upon these grooming scissors .
Witness how nobly they accept the complexity of their task , a portrait of @ @ @ @ @ at nothing to fulfill their duty to beautify the fair citizens of this nation !

Gaze upon these grooming scissors. Witness how nobly they accept the complexity of their task, a portrait of strength and grace, stopping at nothing to fulfill their duty to beautify the fair citizens of this nation!


theonion--2020-05-27--Woman Knows Current Hardships Just Preparing Her To One Day Give Up Completely

TUSCALOOSA , AL—Stressing that such ways of thinking helped keep her difficulties in check , local woman Audrey Leonard told reporters Wednesday that all of her current hardships were only preparing her to one day give up completely .
“ Yeah , things are tough right now , but it ’ s important to remember that all of the challenges I ’ m facing are really just getting me ready for some point in the future when I actually hit rock bottom and just decide ‘ Fuck it , why am I even trying ?
’ ” said Leonard , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out about the combined forces of the pandemic , a strained relationship with her boyfriend , and the overall listless feeling in her life , they could ultimately just been be seen as stepping stones on the way towards a far more debilitating collapse from which she had no hope of recovering .
“ It ’ s really just a matter of perspective .
After all , if you keep fixating on the little problems , you ’ ll never be ready for that moment when you finally figure enough ’ s enough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s pressures and frustrations and just let the whole disappointing world steamroll over you.
” Leonard added that she had learned these lessons from her great grandmother who used her crushing experience living through the Great Depression and Spanish Flu to entirely give up on living by her early 30s .

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Stressing that such ways of thinking helped keep her difficulties in check, local woman Audrey Leonard told reporters Wednesday that all of her current hardships were only preparing her to one day give up completely. “Yeah, things are tough right now, but it’s important to remember that all of the challenges I’m facing are really just getting me ready for some point in the future when I actually hit rock bottom and just decide ‘Fuck it, why am I even trying?’” said Leonard, noting that as much as she stressed out about the combined forces of the pandemic, a strained relationship with her boyfriend, and the overall listless feeling in her life, they could ultimately just been be seen as stepping stones on the way towards a far more debilitating collapse from which she had no hope of recovering. “It’s really just a matter of perspective. After all, if you keep fixating on the little problems, you’ll never be ready for that moment when you finally figure enough’s enough with fighting against all of life’s pressures and frustrations and just let the whole disappointing world steamroll over you.” Leonard added that she had learned these lessons from her great grandmother who used her crushing experience living through the Great Depression and Spanish Flu to entirely give up on living by her early 30s.


theonion--2020-05-27--Architect Has Amazing Idea For Replacing Freedom Tower If Worst Were To Happen Again

NEW YORK—Confident that given the chance he would absolutely blow the memorial committee away with his design , architect Shaun Linger told reporters Wednesday that he has an amazing idea for replacing New York ’ s Freedom Tower if the worst were to happen again .
“ I don ’ t want it to happen , but if tragedy were to strike , I have this beautiful , spiraling skyscraper design that would make people forget the Freedom Tower ever existed , ” said Linger , who revealed that , although it would clearly be a disaster , he already @ @ @ @ @ @ @ better use of the lower Manhattan space and contain sly nods that honor New York ’ s architectural history .
“ Whether it ’ s a plane or a bomb—God forbid , obviously—I ’ m primed and ready to go for this .
It ’ s just such a great location and the Freedom Tower is kind of blah , you know ?
But my design is elegant , tasteful , original , and it even contains a really touching tribute that uses a part of the original structure as a memorial .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ on some random lot in Atlanta.
” At press time , Linger had reached out about the possibility of collaborating with a local cell from the Haqqani network .

NEW YORK—Confident that given the chance he would absolutely blow the memorial committee away with his design, architect Shaun Linger told reporters Wednesday that he has an amazing idea for replacing New York’s Freedom Tower if the worst were to happen again. “I don’t want it to happen, but if tragedy were to strike, I have this beautiful, spiraling skyscraper design that would make people forget the Freedom Tower ever existed,” said Linger, who revealed that, although it would clearly be a disaster, he already has blueprints drawn up that make much better use of the lower Manhattan space and contain sly nods that honor New York’s architectural history. “Whether it’s a plane or a bomb—God forbid, obviously—I’m primed and ready to go for this. It’s just such a great location and the Freedom Tower is kind of blah, you know? But my design is elegant, tasteful, original, and it even contains a really touching tribute that uses a part of the original structure as a memorial. This kind of genius would be wasted on some random lot in Atlanta.” At press time, Linger had reached out about the possibility of collaborating with a local cell from the Haqqani network.


theonion--2020-05-27--Half Hour Of Constant Rubbing Somehow Fails To Soothe Irritated Eye

BALTIMORE—Perplexed by the method ’ s failure to soothe his discomfort , local man Drew Lindstrom confirmed Wednesday that his @ @ @ @ @ , even after 30 minutes of constant rubbing .
“ I ’ ve been getting @ @ @ @ @ at it with my knuckle , but if anything , it looks even more bloodshot @ @ @ @ @ puffy-eyed 24-year-old , wondering aloud how it was possible for the redness and inflammation to @ @ @ @ @ intensely kneading his cornea with an unwashed thumb .
“ Seriously , I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ matter how hard I dig my knuckle into this sucker , it ’ s still @ @ @ @ @ Maybe I just haven ’ t gone deep enough yet ?
I ’ ll give @ @ @ @ @ but my hand ’ s really starting to cramp.
” At press time , reports @ @ @ @ @ and Lindstrom was feeling much better after he had finally massaged his eyeball hard enough @ @ @ @ @

BALTIMORE—Perplexed by the method’s failure to soothe his discomfort, local man Drew Lindstrom confirmed Wednesday that his eye remained itchy and irritated, even after 30 minutes of constant rubbing. “I’ve been getting in there and really working at it with my knuckle, but if anything, it looks even more bloodshot now,” said the puffy-eyed 24-year-old, wondering aloud how it was possible for the redness and inflammation to have worsened since he began intensely kneading his cornea with an unwashed thumb. “Seriously, I don’t get it. No matter how hard I dig my knuckle into this sucker, it’s still not feeling any better. Maybe I just haven’t gone deep enough yet? I’ll give it 15 more minutes, but my hand’s really starting to cramp.” At press time, reports confirmed the pressure had subsided and Lindstrom was feeling much better after he had finally massaged his eyeball hard enough for it to burst.


theonion--2020-05-27--Family Increasingly Terrified That Ghost Haunting House Might Be Pedophile

LOWELL , MA—Noting the poltergeist had been a little bit too friendly towards their children since they moved in last year , local resident Dean Fischer told reporters Wednesday that his family had become increasingly terrified that the ghost haunting their house might be a pedophile .
“ At first , it seemed fine , but after a while , we started to suspect that the creepy notes it was leaving on the walls reading ‘ I love you ’ and ‘ Handsome boy ’ were not totally normal , ” said Fischer , who added that the ghost , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 1802 , often got defensive and threatened to stab and chop up his wife if they ever got between him and “ the boy.
” “ Yeah , it ’ s just red flag after red flag .
A few weeks ago , we thought he was just a lost , undead spirit trying to make amends for his mistakes in life by giving the kids candy and gifts .
But now , it ’ s pretty clear that this guy is just a sick fucko who stays up all night ‘ haunting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me : I know what a ghost ’ s moaning sounds like , and this is definitely sexual.
” At press time , Fischer told reporters that he had opted to burn down the house after his children alerted them that the ghost had reportedly hid in a closet and flashed them .

LOWELL, MA—Noting the poltergeist had been a little bit too friendly towards their children since they moved in last year, local resident Dean Fischer told reporters Wednesday that his family had become increasingly terrified that the ghost haunting their house might be a pedophile. “At first, it seemed fine, but after a while, we started to suspect that the creepy notes it was leaving on the walls reading ‘I love you’ and ‘Handsome boy’ were not totally normal,” said Fischer, who added that the ghost, which apparently died a grizzly death in 1802, often got defensive and threatened to stab and chop up his wife if they ever got between him and “the boy.” “Yeah, it’s just red flag after red flag. A few weeks ago, we thought he was just a lost, undead spirit trying to make amends for his mistakes in life by giving the kids candy and gifts. But now, it’s pretty clear that this guy is just a sick fucko who stays up all night ‘haunting’ my kids’ bathroom. Believe me: I know what a ghost’s moaning sounds like, and this is definitely sexual.” At press time, Fischer told reporters that he had opted to burn down the house after his children alerted them that the ghost had reportedly hid in a closet and flashed them.


theonion--2020-05-27--CDC Warns Of Aggressive Rats Scavenging For Food

According to the CDC , rats that normally feed on restaurant scraps are struggling to find new food sources as @ @ @ @ @ down , causing the animals to become abnormally aggressive and , in some cases , @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ To be honest , thi s sounds like @ @ @ @ @ the rats.
” “ We should all seek creative solutions to our problems in these @ @ @ @

According to the CDC, rats that normally feed on restaurant scraps are struggling to find new food sources as the pandemic keeps businesses locked down, causing the animals to become abnormally aggressive and, in some cases, resort to cannibalism and infanticide. What do you think?
“To be honest, thi s sounds like more of a concern for the rats.” Caroline Ashwood • Fence Mechanic
“We should all seek creative solutions to our problems in these trying times.” Rich Abrew • Kleenex Folder
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theonion--2020-05-27--What Are ‘Coronavirus Parties,’ And Why Weren’t We Invited?

More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘ corona parties , ’ leaving our @ @ @ @ @ why he hasn ’ t been invited to one yet even though he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

More cases of Covid-19 are being traced back to the irresponsible trend of ‘corona parties,’ leaving our reporter Kenneth Neeley to wonder why he hasn’t been invited to one yet even though he’s great at parties.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-28--Historic SpaceX Launch Postponed

Historic SpaceX Launch Postponed

A SpaceX mission to send two NASA astronauts to the International Space Station , which will mark the first time @ @ @ @ @ humans into space , has been postponed due to thunderstorms .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ .
I ’ m sure they could have found a part of it wit hout @ @ @ @ @ s the point of being a billionaire if you can ’ t even control the @ @ @ @ @ , it must be such a nightmare to try and find another day that works @ @ @ @ @

A SpaceX mission to send two NASA astronauts to the International Space Station, which will mark the first time a private enterprise has launched humans into space, has been postponed due to thunderstorms. What do you think?
“Space is huge. I’m sure they could have found a part of it wit hout thunderstorms.” Debbie Lippin, Soufflé Chef
“What’s the point of being a billionaire if you can’t even control the weather?” Ray Maldonado, Unpublished Memoirist
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theonion--2020-05-28--Man Questions If It Really Necessary For Protesters To Be Black

DULUTH , MN—On the heels of massive demonstrations sparked by the police killing of George Floyd , local man Cory @ @ @ @ @ of protestors being black , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ Don ’ t get me @ @ @ @ @ they ’ re upset , but they ’ re totally undermining their point by insisting @ @ @ @ @ ” said Nelson , noting that there were better ways to achieve goals than resorting @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It ’ s a horrible thing that happened , but continuing to be @ @ @ @ @ communities isn ’ t helping anyone.
” Nelson went on to add that no matter @ @ @ @ @ got , he would personally never be black .

DULUTH, MN—On the heels of massive demonstrations sparked by the police killing of George Floyd, local man Cory Nelson was questioning the necessity of protestors being black, sources confirmed Thursday. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand that they’re upset, but they’re totally undermining their point by insisting on being African American,” said Nelson, noting that there were better ways to achieve goals than resorting to these sorts of ethnicities. “It’s a horrible thing that happened, but continuing to be rampantly black in their own communities isn’t helping anyone.” Nelson went on to add that no matter how upset or angry he got, he would personally never be black.


theonion--2020-05-28--Protestors Criticized For Looting Businesses Without Forming Private Equity Firm First

MINNEAPO LIS —Calling for a more measured way to express opposition to police brutality , critics slammed demonstrators Thursday for recklessly looting businesses without forming a private equity firm first .
“ Look , we all have the right to protest , but that doesn ’ t mean you can just rush in and destroy any business without gathering a group of clandestine investors to purchase it at a severely reduced price and slowly bleed it to death , ” said Facebook commenter Amy Mulrain , echoing the sentiments of detractors nationwide who blasted the demonstrators for not hiring a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ struggling company ’ s assets before plundering .
“ I understand that people are angry , but they shouldn ’ t just endanger businesses without even a thought to enriching themselves through leveraged buyouts and across-the-board terminations .
It ’ s disgusting to put workers at risk by looting .
You do it by chipping away at their health benefits and eventually laying them off .
There ’ s a right way and wrong way to do this.
” At press time , critics recommended that protestors hold law enforcement accountable by simply @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

MINNEAPO LIS —Calling for a more measured way to express opposition to police brutality, critics slammed demonstrators Thursday for recklessly looting businesses without forming a private equity firm first. “Look, we all have the right to protest, but that doesn’t mean you can just rush in and destroy any business without gathering a group of clandestine investors to purchase it at a severely reduced price and slowly bleed it to death,” said Facebook commenter Amy Mulrain, echoing the sentiments of detractors nationwide who blasted the demonstrators for not hiring a consultant group to take stock of a struggling company’s assets before plundering. “I understand that people are angry, but they shouldn’t just endanger businesses without even a thought to enriching themselves through leveraged buyouts and across-the-board terminations. It’s disgusting to put workers at risk by looting. You do it by chipping away at their health benefits and eventually laying them off. There’s a right way and wrong way to do this.” At press time, critics recommended that protestors hold law enforcement accountable by simply purchasing the Minneapolis police department from taxpayers.


theonion--2020-05-28--White House Press Secretary: ‘Trump’s Critics Will Seize On Any Six-Figure Death Toll That Suits The

White House Press Secretary: ‘Trump’s Critics Will Seize On Any Six-Figure Death Toll That Suits Their Narrative’

WASHINGTON—White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany rebuked critics of the president in a briefing Thursday , forcefully arguing that politicians and pundits alike would seize on any six-figure death toll that suits their particular narrative .
“ What ’ s clear is that the biased media in this country is willing to draw attention to any mortalities of American citizens over 100,000 as long as it fits in their narrow perception of what ’ s important , ” said McEany in response to a reporter ’ s question about the administration ’ s handling of the Covid-19 pandemic before stressing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see the death toll for the brazen partisan attack it has always been .
“ There ’ s an obvious opportunism at work when the president ’ s opponents are suddenly up in arms any time tens of thousands American lives are lost .
Frankly , was the mainstream media going to accept any number of mass casualties without pouncing on it as an excuse to scrutinize the commander in chief ’ s decision making ?
I somehow doubt it.
” McEnany went on to emphasize that such biased coverage conveniently ignored the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the president ’ s actions had left alive .

WASHINGTON—White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany rebuked critics of the president in a briefing Thursday, forcefully arguing that politicians and pundits alike would seize on any six-figure death toll that suits their particular narrative. “What’s clear is that the biased media in this country is willing to draw attention to any mortalities of American citizens over 100,000 as long as it fits in their narrow perception of what’s important,” said McEany in response to a reporter’s question about the administration’s handling of the Covid-19 pandemic before stressing that the president’s supporters would see the death toll for the brazen partisan attack it has always been. “There’s an obvious opportunism at work when the president’s opponents are suddenly up in arms any time tens of thousands American lives are lost. Frankly, was the mainstream media going to accept any number of mass casualties without pouncing on it as an excuse to scrutinize the commander in chief’s decision making? I somehow doubt it.” McEnany went on to emphasize that such biased coverage conveniently ignored the hundreds of millions across the country whom the president’s actions had left alive.


theonion--2020-05-28--‘Mommy Had To Go To The Hospital Today’ Starts Instagram Chihuahua’s Darkest Post To Date

PHOENIX—Assuring followers that she ’ d be back to giving kisses and belly rubs in no time , Instagram Chihuahua tootsie_the_derp reportedly started his darkest social media post to date Thursday with the caption “ mommy had to go to the hospital today.
” “ Many of you remember how scared mommy was when I ate a sock and had to go into emergency surgery , but today , I ’ m the one with my tail between my legs , ” said the surprisingly emotional 500-word post , which explained to the bug-eyed , toothless dog ’ s roughly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tough time for the “ derp pack , ” and any and all prayers , “ doggy or human , ” would be greatly appreciated .
“ Five years ago , mommy saved me and my twin brother Tito from a shelter in Paradise Valley , and since then , she ’ s been booping our noses every night before we go to bed to prevent the nightmare fairy from bringing us bad doggie dreams !
But last night , Tito and I had to sleep in her bed alone .
Mommy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s trying his best , but his homemade banana treats just don ’ t taste the same as yours !
” At press time , tootsie_the_derp had posted a follow-up post explaining that all sales from Tootsie ’ s new line of collars and doggie sweaters would go towards mommy ’ s medical expenses .

PHOENIX—Assuring followers that she’d be back to giving kisses and belly rubs in no time, Instagram Chihuahua tootsie_the_derp reportedly started his darkest social media post to date Thursday with the caption “mommy had to go to the hospital today.” “Many of you remember how scared mommy was when I ate a sock and had to go into emergency surgery, but today, I’m the one with my tail between my legs,” said the surprisingly emotional 500-word post, which explained to the bug-eyed, toothless dog’s roughly 12,000 followers that it was a very tough time for the “derp pack,” and any and all prayers, “doggy or human,” would be greatly appreciated. “Five years ago, mommy saved me and my twin brother Tito from a shelter in Paradise Valley, and since then, she’s been booping our noses every night before we go to bed to prevent the nightmare fairy from bringing us bad doggie dreams! But last night, Tito and I had to sleep in her bed alone. Mommy, please come home soon. Daddy’s trying his best, but his homemade banana treats just don’t taste the same as yours!” At press time, tootsie_the_derp had posted a follow-up post explaining that all sales from Tootsie’s new line of collars and doggie sweaters would go towards mommy’s medical expenses.


theonion--2020-05-28--WHO Warns Covid-19 Could Mean End To Blowing Water Through Pool Noodle Into Friends’ Faces

GENEVA—In an effort to prepare people for the “ new normal ” of life under the continuing threat of Covid-19 , the World Health Organization issued a warning Thursday indicating the contagion could make blowing water through a pool noodle into your friends ’ faces a relic of the past .
“ The use of a long foam tube to squirt liquid into the eyes , ears , or mouths of an unsuspecting fellow swimmer is , unfortunately , an efficient vehicle for spreading disease , and so we must accept that the novel coronavirus could mark the end of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ statement from the agency read in part , clarifying that even if participants were fitted with personal protective equipment and prescreened with infrared thermometers , it was unlikely that blasting your sister ’ s suntanning friends with pool water would ever again be a safe activity .
“ While the playful gesture is deeply engrained in our social experience on a global scale , it is difficult to imagine that we will ever again inhabit a world in which we hear a buddy laughingly say , ‘ What the fuck , dude ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , or in which we reply ‘ Dude , we ’ re just having a good time , why do you have to be a dick ?
’ As such , it is essential we begin readying ourselves for a future in which pool noodles are used solely as flotation devices.
” The statement went on to indicate WHO was still working on guidelines to determine whether squishing your palms together on the surface of the pool to make a small stream shoot out would suffer a similar fate .

GENEVA—In an effort to prepare people for the “new normal” of life under the continuing threat of Covid-19, the World Health Organization issued a warning Thursday indicating the contagion could make blowing water through a pool noodle into your friends’ faces a relic of the past. “The use of a long foam tube to squirt liquid into the eyes, ears, or mouths of an unsuspecting fellow swimmer is, unfortunately, an efficient vehicle for spreading disease, and so we must accept that the novel coronavirus could mark the end of this cherished summertime ritual,” a statement from the agency read in part, clarifying that even if participants were fitted with personal protective equipment and prescreened with infrared thermometers, it was unlikely that blasting your sister’s suntanning friends with pool water would ever again be a safe activity. “While the playful gesture is deeply engrained in our social experience on a global scale, it is difficult to imagine that we will ever again inhabit a world in which we hear a buddy laughingly say, ‘What the fuck, dude?’ while water splashes across his face, or in which we reply ‘Dude, we’re just having a good time, why do you have to be a dick?’ As such, it is essential we begin readying ourselves for a future in which pool noodles are used solely as flotation devices.” The statement went on to indicate WHO was still working on guidelines to determine whether squishing your palms together on the surface of the pool to make a small stream shoot out would suffer a similar fate.


theonion--2020-05-28--Inspirational ‘Hang In There’ Chalk Message The Thing That Finally Breaks Entire Neighborhood

CHICAGO—Sinking into a depth of despair that they had been able to stave off until this point , locals reported Thursday that an inspirational “ Hang in there ” chalk message written on a sidewalk was the thing that finally broke the entire neighborhood .
“ Christ , I was actually feeling okay today , then I go out for a walk and I see this bullshit ?
We really are doomed , ” said resident Sandra Tilly , who claimed that the pathetic use of multi-colored chalk and sad single exclamation point did nothing but remind her of how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right now.
” “ Are a bunch of stars supposed to make me feel happy ?
To think a grown person actually spent time on this , makes me want to jump off a bridge .
Thank you so much for reminding me I ’ m living in a waking nightmare .
If this is the best we can do , we ’ re completely fucked.
” At press time , residents reported feeling a little better after a thunderstorm destroyed a row of children ’ s “ Thank you heroes ” signs @

CHICAGO—Sinking into a depth of despair that they had been able to stave off until this point, locals reported Thursday that an inspirational “Hang in there” chalk message written on a sidewalk was the thing that finally broke the entire neighborhood. “Christ, I was actually feeling okay today, then I go out for a walk and I see this bullshit? We really are doomed,” said resident Sandra Tilly, who claimed that the pathetic use of multi-colored chalk and sad single exclamation point did nothing but remind her of how “useless and powerless we all are right now.” “Are a bunch of stars supposed to make me feel happy? To think a grown person actually spent time on this, makes me want to jump off a bridge. Thank you so much for reminding me I’m living in a waking nightmare. If this is the best we can do, we’re completely fucked.” At press time, residents reported feeling a little better after a thunderstorm destroyed a row of children’s “Thank you heroes” signs.


theonion--2020-05-28--What To Read While Social Distancing

What To Read While Social Distancing

Your Daughter ’ s Diary : If you want to respect her privacy and not learn about all the substances @ @ @ @ @ that ’ s up to you .
But trust us , you ’ ll want @ @ @ @ @ Especially about what she did back in February with that Jeremy Pryor kid while you @ @ @ @ @ .
Holy shit .

Your Daughter’s Diary: If you want to respect her privacy and not learn about all the substances she’s trying, that’s up to you. But trust us, you’ll want to read this thing. Especially about what she did back in February with that Jeremy Pryor kid while you were away for the weekend. Holy shit.


theonion--2020-05-28--Mike Tyson Offered $20 Million To Compete In Fight

Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship is preparing to offer Mike Tyson over $ 20 million to come out of retirement for @ @ @ @ @ the 53-year-old former heavyweight champion has yet to agree .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ better spent on an up-and-coming has-been.
” “ My dad came out of retirement to @ @ @ @ @ we all have our price .
”

Bare Knuckle Fighting Championship is preparing to offer Mike Tyson over $20 million to come out of retirement for a single match, though the 53-year-old former heavyweight champion has yet to agree. What do you think?
“That money would be better spent on an up-and-coming has-been.” Aaron Dilbeck • Bowl Stacker
“My dad came out of retirement to drive for Uber, so we all have our price.” Amanda Hecht • Dirt Classification Expert
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theonion--2020-05-28--Authorities Receive List Of Demands From Increasingly Hostile Coronavirus

Destruction of PPE .
Free rein in nursing homes .
Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer .
These are just @ @ @ @ @ demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Destruction of PPE. Free rein in nursing homes. Mass disposal of all hand sanitizer. These are just a small portion of the demands issued today by the coronavirus that must be fulfilled within the next 24 hours, or else.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.