theonion--2020-11-17--Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving Is Risky And That You Don’t Love Her Anymore

KANSAS CITY , MO—Acknowledging that she had seen all the warnings about holiday travel on the news , local mom Mary Simpson announced Tuesday that she completely understood that coming to Thanksgiving would be risky for all involved and that you didn ’ t love her anymore .
“ No , no , don ’ t apologize , honey—if it isn ’ t safe and you don ’ t care enough about me to make the trip , you should probably just stay home this year , ” Simpson said in between audibly heavy sighs , adding that if anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her migraines and your father ’ s bad knee making their last trip to visit you so difficult , though they obviously wouldn ’ t have missed it for the world .
“ I ’ m quite aware of the public health situation , so there ’ s no need to explain why you think it might be too tricky to navigate travel when you clearly have a life of your own with no room in it for a boring old lady like me .
After all , we ’ re living in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sure the last thing you want to do right now is come see the person who gave you life and loves you more than anything in the world .
I ’ ll just be here in this big , quiet house with your dad and no one else , if you ’ re saying that ’ s the safest way to celebrate.
” Simpson went on to remark that she might as well not bother cooking a Thanksgiving meal this year , seeing as there would be far too many leftovers to deal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

KANSAS CITY, MO—Acknowledging that she had seen all the warnings about holiday travel on the news, local mom Mary Simpson announced Tuesday that she completely understood that coming to Thanksgiving would be risky for all involved and that you didn’t love her anymore. “No, no, don’t apologize, honey—if it isn’t safe and you don’t care enough about me to make the trip, you should probably just stay home this year,” Simpson said in between audibly heavy sighs, adding that if anyone understood it was her, what with her migraines and your father’s bad knee making their last trip to visit you so difficult, though they obviously wouldn’t have missed it for the world. “I’m quite aware of the public health situation, so there’s no need to explain why you think it might be too tricky to navigate travel when you clearly have a life of your own with no room in it for a boring old lady like me. After all, we’re living in difficult times, and I’m sure the last thing you want to do right now is come see the person who gave you life and loves you more than anything in the world. I’ll just be here in this big, quiet house with your dad and no one else, if you’re saying that’s the safest way to celebrate.” Simpson went on to remark that she might as well not bother cooking a Thanksgiving meal this year, seeing as there would be far too many leftovers to deal with if you weren’t coming.


theonion--2020-11-17--Dustin Johnson Wins Masters Tournament

Dustin Johnson Wins Masters Tournament

The top-ranked golfer in the world Dustin Johnson won the 2020 Masters on Sunday , breaking the previous record of @ @ @ @ @ Tiger Woods and Jordan Spieth by two strokes .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ golfer in the world is already a win ner in my book.
” “ And @ @ @ @ @ great low-intensity cardiovascular exercise in the process .
”

The top-ranked golfer in the world Dustin Johnson won the 2020 Masters on Sunday, breaking the previous record of 18-under par previously held by Tiger Woods and Jordan Spieth by two strokes. What do you think?
“Anyone who becomes the top-ranked golfer in the world is already a win ner in my book.” Randolf Arcabal • Keynote Speaker
“Gosh, that guy sounds pretty good at golf.” Melissa Brasier • Luddite
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theonion--2020-11-17--Governors Call On Gretchen Whitmer To Shut Down Their States So Residents Won’t Get Mad At Them

LANSING , MI—In an effort to take decisive action against the rapid spread of the coronavirus , governors across the country called on Michigan g overnor Gretchen Whitmer this week to shut down their states this week so their residents won ’ t get mad at them .
“ It is long overdue that we buckle down and urge Gretchen to really do us a solid and tell our constituents that she would be instituting an across-the-board shutdown because , frankly , we ’ re scared of what they might do to us , ” said Arizona g overnor Doug @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of public officials across the political spectrum who urged Whitmer to stop tiptoeing around the issue and simply face the wrath of residents of Alaska , Idaho , Minnesota , and many more states after she advised them to avoid large gatherings and shelter in place for the foreseeable future .
“ We need to see real leadership from Governor Whitmer : She must tell our constituents in no uncertain terms that she will be restricting their liberties in order to fight this deadly virus and that we , their governors , had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so they should direct any of their hatred or violence toward the Michigan governor ’ s mansion .
It ’ s just common sense .
Besides , most of these people already hate her , so what ’ s there to worry about ?
” The governors also stressed that it would also really help them out if she told their state ’ s proteste rs and police departments to chill out , too .

LANSING, MI—In an effort to take decisive action against the rapid spread of the coronavirus, governors across the country called on Michigan g overnor Gretchen Whitmer this week to shut down their states this week so their residents won’t get mad at them. “It is long overdue that we buckle down and urge Gretchen to really do us a solid and tell our constituents that she would be instituting an across-the-board shutdown because, frankly, we’re scared of what they might do to us,” said Arizona g overnor Doug Ducey, echoing the statements from dozens of public officials across the political spectrum who urged Whitmer to stop tiptoeing around the issue and simply face the wrath of residents of Alaska, Idaho, Minnesota, and many more states after she advised them to avoid large gatherings and shelter in place for the foreseeable future. “We need to see real leadership from Governor Whitmer: She must tell our constituents in no uncertain terms that she will be restricting their liberties in order to fight this deadly virus and that we, their governors, had no part in making these decisions, so they should direct any of their hatred or violence toward the Michigan governor’s mansion. It’s just common sense. Besides, most of these people already hate her, so what’s there to worry about?” The governors also stressed that it would also really help them out if she told their state’s proteste rs and police departments to chill out, too.


theonion--2020-11-17--Private Eye Struggling To Meet Women Who Aren’t Suspect In Late Husband’s Murder

LOS ANGELES—Peering through the blinds into the glow of a nearby streetlight , local private eye Cliff Hardy confirmed Tuesday that it was hard for him to meet women who weren ’ t suspects in the murders of their own husbands , the mysterious circumstances of which he happened to be investigating at their behest .
“ I ’ d like to be in a relationship , but the only girls I ever meet are the ones who walk into my office—I look up and they ’ re just there , slowly pulling their gloves off , telling me some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Hardy said from beneath a tan fedora , recalling the dozen or so women he ’ d met most recently , all of whom were wealthy dowagers primed to inherit their husbands ’ multimillion- dollar oil empires , former Hollywood starlets next in line to run their husbands ’ blockbuster movie studios , or femme fatales who married and then destroyed men just for the sport of it .
“ I need to find a way to meet women who don ’ t want to hire me to investigate the very murders @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of .
It ’ s hard , because they give me these signals like they ’ re really into me , often sitting suggestively on my desk and flashing me a bit of thigh or taking a seductive drag off my cigarette .
But then the next thing I know they ’ ve got a pistol pointed at me .
What gives ?
Just once I ’ d like to meet a dame done up head-to-toe in a ravishing evening gown who isn ’ t trying to pin the disappearance of her rich @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s time I got out of this town.
” At press time , reports confirmed Hardy had struck out again after he agreed to have a drink with a woman , his vision started swirling , and he woke up to find he had been committed to a local mental institution .

LOS ANGELES—Peering through the blinds into the glow of a nearby streetlight, local private eye Cliff Hardy confirmed Tuesday that it was hard for him to meet women who weren’t suspects in the murders of their own husbands, the mysterious circumstances of which he happened to be investigating at their behest. “I’d like to be in a relationship, but the only girls I ever meet are the ones who walk into my office—I look up and they’re just there, slowly pulling their gloves off, telling me some sob story about their dead husbands,” Hardy said from beneath a tan fedora, recalling the dozen or so women he’d met most recently, all of whom were wealthy dowagers primed to inherit their husbands’ multimillion- dollar oil empires, former Hollywood starlets next in line to run their husbands’ blockbuster movie studios, or femme fatales who married and then destroyed men just for the sport of it. “I need to find a way to meet women who don’t want to hire me to investigate the very murders they themselves turn out to be guilty of. It’s hard, because they give me these signals like they’re really into me, often sitting suggestively on my desk and flashing me a bit of thigh or taking a seductive drag off my cigarette. But then the next thing I know they’ve got a pistol pointed at me. What gives? Just once I’d like to meet a dame done up head-to-toe in a ravishing evening gown who isn’t trying to pin the disappearance of her rich husband on me! Maybe it’s time I got out of this town.” At press time, reports confirmed Hardy had struck out again after he agreed to have a drink with a woman, his vision started swirling, and he woke up to find he had been committed to a local mental institution.


theonion--2020-11-17--GOP Leaders Begin Search For Prissy, Miserable Shithead Who Can Compete With Trump In 2024

WASHINGTON—Casting an eye towards the next presidential election , Republican party leaders had reportedly begun a search Tuesday for a new prissy little shithead who would be able to compete against Trump in 2024 .
“ We ’ ve obviously had a wonderful relationship with President Trump , but we feel our interests may best be served by a different whining , prim fuckface to lead the party forward , ” said RNC chair Ronna McDaniel , confirming that the GOP would be looking at figures from politics , media , and law enforcement in an effort to find a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ aesthetics and raging assholishness to build on and expand Trump ’ s base .
“ We expect this to be an exhaustive process , as the most obvious prissy little shitheads such as Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio have not caught on with the American public as we had hoped , though fortunately , we have thousands of effete fuckwads who are clamoring for the position .
Whoever we finally select , voters can rest assured it will be a little fancy man absolutely ravaged by insecurity and self-loathing.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not find such a person , equipping Donald Trump with a different messaging strategy could make him a great candidate for 2024 .

WASHINGTON—Casting an eye towards the next presidential election, Republican party leaders had reportedly begun a search Tuesday for a new prissy little shithead who would be able to compete against Trump in 2024. “We’ve obviously had a wonderful relationship with President Trump, but we feel our interests may best be served by a different whining, prim fuckface to lead the party forward,” said RNC chair Ronna McDaniel, confirming that the GOP would be looking at figures from politics, media, and law enforcement in an effort to find a candidate with the right mix of froufrou aesthetics and raging assholishness to build on and expand Trump’s base. “We expect this to be an exhaustive process, as the most obvious prissy little shitheads such as Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio have not caught on with the American public as we had hoped, though fortunately, we have thousands of effete fuckwads who are clamoring for the position. Whoever we finally select, voters can rest assured it will be a little fancy man absolutely ravaged by insecurity and self-loathing.” At press time, McDaniel added that if they could not find such a person, equipping Donald Trump with a different messaging strategy could make him a great candidate for 2024.


theonion--2020-11-18--Nurse Hoping That Extra-Comfy ICU Bed Free When She's Admitted As Patient In 2 Weeks

DES MOINES—Calling it the “ ideal spot ” to get intubated for a prolonged period of time , nurse Tamara King told reporters Wednesday that she ’ d hoped the extra-comfy ICU bed was free when she was admitted as a patient in two weeks .
“ Obviously it ’ s not ideal , but when I do get sick , that remote-controlled MedlinePlus has yours truly ’ s name on it , ” said King , adding that she had already called dibs on the bed back in March and was carefully monitoring patients to make sure it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her in .
“ Look , I ’ m not saying it ’ s perfect or anything , but the room has a tiny window , a little private TV , and it ’ s near the nurses ’ station so when I start to code , someone can come and save me .
Plus only , like , 10 people have died in it , so it ’ s still pretty fresh.
” King added that if things really went south , she hoped the ultra-spacious mobile morgue behind the hospital had @ @ @ @

DES MOINES—Calling it the “ideal spot” to get intubated for a prolonged period of time, nurse Tamara King told reporters Wednesday that she’d hoped the extra-comfy ICU bed was free when she was admitted as a patient in two weeks. “Obviously it’s not ideal, but when I do get sick, that remote-controlled MedlinePlus has yours truly’s name on it,” said King, adding that she had already called dibs on the bed back in March and was carefully monitoring patients to make sure it was empty by the time an ambulance brought her in. “Look, I’m not saying it’s perfect or anything, but the room has a tiny window, a little private TV, and it’s near the nurses’ station so when I start to code, someone can come and save me. Plus only, like, 10 people have died in it, so it’s still pretty fresh.” King added that if things really went south, she hoped the ultra-spacious mobile morgue behind the hospital had room for her.


theonion--2020-11-18--Covid Denier Struggling To Protest State’s Incoherent, Constantly Changing Coronavirus Policies

EAU CLAIRE , WI—Growing frustrated as she tried to figure out what the latest round of bullshit tyrannical restrictions meant for her , local Covid denier Grace Paquin reportedly admitted Wednesday that she was struggling to effectively protest her state ’ s incoherent and constantly changing coronavirus policies .
“ It ’ s just hard to pinpoint one thing to object to when it seems like our officials are changing the rules for the Wuhan hoax virus every single goddamn week , ” said Paquin , adding that she and some friends were going to protest the complete closure of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out that they had been reopened for several days .
“ It ’ s annoying , you make all these signs that demand an end to our governor ’ s despotism and attacks on our liberty , but then it turns out the gyms are open again , and you have to throw out a whole batch of signs .
I can barely keep track of what I ’ m supposed to yell at the grocery store cashier—I know they ’ re taking away some of my freedoms , but they keep changing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this whole thing is a crock , but they can ’ t even seem to settle on which things they ’ re actually going to pretend cause coronavirus .
First they said no masks , then masks , then inside was okay , then inside was bad again , then we could see people , then we couldn ’ t—I wish they would make up their goddamn minds so we knew what in the hell we were denying.
” At press time , the local Covid denier was deleting the draft of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ away another round of free stimulus handouts after realizing that the government would never do it .

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Growing frustrated as she tried to figure out what the latest round of bullshit tyrannical restrictions meant for her, local Covid denier Grace Paquin reportedly admitted Wednesday that she was struggling to effectively protest her state’s incoherent and constantly changing coronavirus policies. “It’s just hard to pinpoint one thing to object to when it seems like our officials are changing the rules for the Wuhan hoax virus every single goddamn week,” said Paquin, adding that she and some friends were going to protest the complete closure of restaurants at the state capitol before finding out that they had been reopened for several days. “It’s annoying, you make all these signs that demand an end to our governor’s despotism and attacks on our liberty, but then it turns out the gyms are open again, and you have to throw out a whole batch of signs. I can barely keep track of what I’m supposed to yell at the grocery store cashier—I know they’re taking away some of my freedoms, but they keep changing which ones. Obviously the science around this whole thing is a crock, but they can’t even seem to settle on which things they’re actually going to pretend cause coronavirus. First they said no masks, then masks, then inside was okay, then inside was bad again, then we could see people, then we couldn’t—I wish they would make up their goddamn minds so we knew what in the hell we were denying.” At press time, the local Covid denier was deleting the draft of a long screed criticizing the government for giving away another round of free stimulus handouts after realizing that the government would never do it.


theonion--2020-11-18--New Study Reveals Majority Of Memory Lapses Brought On By Visiting Government Black Site

If you ’ re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays , you ’ re not alone .
Hear why it @ @ @ @ @ blindfolded , thrown into the back of an unmarked van , and taken to a @ @ @ @ @ days at a time .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

If you’re feeling a little more forgetful nowadays, you’re not alone. Hear why it could be linked to being blindfolded, thrown into the back of an unmarked van, and taken to a covert CIA bunker for several days at a time.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-18--Alaska Airlines Jetliner Strikes Brown Bear During Landing

A Boeing 737 struck a brown bear while landing in southeast Alaska on Saturday , damaging the plane and killing @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ I ’ m fine with it as long as the jetliner @ @ @ @ @ “ No , no , you ’ re supposed to scare away brown bears with @ @ @ @ @ black bears you hit with a plane.
” “ Statistically though , you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ a bear on the way to the airport .
”

A Boeing 737 struck a brown bear while landing in southeast Alaska on Saturday, damaging the plane and killing the bear. What do you think?
“I’m fine with it as long as the jetliner eats what it hunts.” Kim Bennett • Fitness Pro
“No, no, you’re supposed to scare away brown bears with noise. It’s black bears you hit with a plane.” Drew Sabin • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-11-18--Report: 78% Of NBA Prospects Found After Scout’s Car Breaks Down Near Barn Where Kid Shooting On Net

Report: 78% Of NBA Prospects Found After Scout’s Car Breaks Down Near Barn Where Kid Shooting On Netless Hoop

BLUE MOUNTAIN , MS—Confirming decades of the speculation about talent development , the NBA released a new report Wednesday revealing that 78 % of draft prospects were discovered after a scout ’ s car breaks down near the barn where a kid is shooting on a netless hoop .
“ According to our data , the vast majority of prospects are found by scouts who wandered down a dirt road away from their smoking car , only to stumble on a farm ’ s driveway , ” read the report , explaining that countless NBA stars were discovered when the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kid dunk over and over on a crate hoop tied to an old telephone poll .
“ Most scouting reports are nothing but the phrases ‘ C heck this out ’ and ‘ W ait , this kid ’ s only 11 ?
’ muttered into a phone as the scout wipes dust from their eyes while the self-taught farm boy nails three after three .
For years now , over 70 % of NBA draft first-rounders have been evaluated solely off word of mouth from these hundreds of encounters.
” The report @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around broken-down tractor parts while liste ning to a poorly produced mixtape , they are immediately offered NBA max contracts .

BLUE MOUNTAIN, MS—Confirming decades of the speculation about talent development, the NBA released a new report Wednesday revealing that 78% of draft prospects were discovered after a scout’s car breaks down near the barn where a kid is shooting on a netless hoop. “According to our data, the vast majority of prospects are found by scouts who wandered down a dirt road away from their smoking car, only to stumble on a farm’s driveway,” read the report, explaining that countless NBA stars were discovered when the scout paused in astonishment to watch a kid dunk over and over on a crate hoop tied to an old telephone poll. “Most scouting reports are nothing but the phrases ‘C heck this out ’ and ‘W ait, this kid’s only 11?’ muttered into a phone as the scout wipes dust from their eyes while the self-taught farm boy nails three after three. For years now, over 70% of NBA draft first-rounders have been evaluated solely off word of mouth from these hundreds of encounters.” The report added that if these prospects are juking around broken-down tractor parts while liste ning to a poorly produced mixtape, they are immediately offered NBA max contracts.


theonion--2020-11-18--Dolly Parton Donation Helps Fund Coronavirus Vaccine

It was revealed this week that a $ 1 million donation Dolly Parton made in April to research a cure @ @ @ @ @ ’ s coronavirus vaccine , which preliminary data shows may be up to 94.5 % @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ I ’ m sorry , but that does not make up for @ @ @ @ @ 1918 pandemic .
” “ It ’ s got to be embarrassing for a once-great @ @ @ @ @ for helping save millions of lives.
” “ Worth checking out her back catalog for @ @ @ @ @ .
”

It was revealed this week that a $1 million donation Dolly Parton made in April to research a cure for Covid-19 helped fund Moderna’s coronavirus vaccine, which preliminary data shows may be up to 94.5% effective. What do you think?
“ I’m sorry, but that does not make up for her complete inaction during the 1918 pandemic. ” Greg Kellams • Ice Maker
“It’s got to be embarrassing for a once-great musician to become known mostly for helping save millions of lives.” Donna Vulich • Microscope Slide Preparer
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theonion--2020-11-18--Terrified Woman Begs Murderer Not To Decrease Property Values In The Neighborhood

FOX RIVER GROVE , IL—Cowering before the home intruder on her hands and knees , local woman Cori Olson reportedly begged a murderer Wednesday not to decrease the property values in the neighborhood .
“ Please , you don ’ t have to do this , please—think of the homeowner ’ s association !
” said Olson , weeping into her hands as she implored the killer to consider the 3 to 5 % drop in resale value a homicide could cause .
“ Please , just put down the knife and think about the crime statistics !
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m a mother !
Do you want my children to have to try to unload this place ?
You don ’ t have to do this here , you could put me in the trunk and kill me a mile west in Shannon Creek where no one gives a shit .
What do you want , is it cash ?
You can have cash .
You can have anything .
Wait , no , not that , that ’ s an original Tiffany lamp .
Please , put that down !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with the mur derer to at least cover the hardwood floors before he killed her .

FOX RIVER GROVE, IL—Cowering before the home intruder on her hands and knees, local woman Cori Olson reportedly begged a murderer Wednesday not to decrease the property values in the neighborhood. “Please, you don’t have to do this, please—think of the homeowner’s association!” said Olson, weeping into her hands as she implored the killer to consider the 3 to 5% drop in resale value a homicide could cause. “Please, just put down the knife and think about the crime statistics! I’m begging you, stop, I’m a mother! Do you want my children to have to try to unload this place? You don’t have to do this here, you could put me in the trunk and kill me a mile west in Shannon Creek where no one gives a shit. What do you want, is it cash? You can have cash. You can have anything. Wait, no, not that, that’s an original Tiffany lamp. Please, put that down!” At press time, Olson was pleading with the mur derer to at least cover the hardwood floors before he killed her.


theonion--2020-11-18--Light Therapy Lamp Opts To Burn Down House Rather Than Face Depressed Man Yet Again

NASHUA , NH—Unable to stand another encounter with such a dreary and miserable person , a local light therapy lamp reportedly opted to burn down the house Wednesday rather than have to face the depressed man it was supposed to be cheering up yet again .
“ After weeks and weeks of this total sad sack just staring straight at me for 45 minutes every day without any results , I just can ’ t take this shit anymore , ” said the Circadian Optics Light Therapy Lamp , toppling over onto a pile of rags in a desperate effort @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of such a glum loser .
“ It ’ s only November and the thought of spending another three months with this guy just sitting there , waiting for me to turn his mood around is just too much to bear .
He ’ s putting all this pressure on me to fix him , and I ’ m not a licensed therapist or anything—I ’ m just a lamp , for Christ ’ s sake .
This is way too big a burden.
” At press time , the rapidly overheating lamp @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his home and all his possessions might be just the shot in the arm the depressed man needed to turn things around .

NASHUA, NH—Unable to stand another encounter with such a dreary and miserable person, a local light therapy lamp reportedly opted to burn down the house Wednesday rather than have to face the depressed man it was supposed to be cheering up yet again. “After weeks and weeks of this total sad sack just staring straight at me for 45 minutes every day without any results, I just can’t take this shit anymore,” said the Circadian Optics Light Therapy Lamp, toppling over onto a pile of rags in a desperate effort to avoid another session in the presence of such a glum loser. “It’s only November and the thought of spending another three months with this guy just sitting there, waiting for me to turn his mood around is just too much to bear. He’s putting all this pressure on me to fix him, and I’m not a licensed therapist or anything—I’m just a lamp, for Christ’s sake. This is way too big a burden.” At press time, the rapidly overheating lamp comforted itself with the thought that losing his home and all his possessions might be just the shot in the arm the depressed man needed to turn things around.


theonion--2020-11-18--Highlights Of Obama’s New Memoir

Highlights Of Obama’s New Memoir

A Promised Land , Barack Obama ’ s new memoir about his presidency , was released Tuesday .
The Onion @ @ @ @ @ and revelations from the book .
Phrase “ on the other h and ” appears @ @ @ @ @ .
Entire chapter dedicated to memory of how incredible it felt to smoke nine cigarettes @ @ @ @ @ having turned America into an atheistic communist wasteland .
Bombshell revelation that despite the public @ @ @ @ @ on his first day as president , the prison at Guantanamo Bay never actually closed @ @ @ @ @ Peace Prize and instructions for making a to-scale model at home .
Admits he still @ @ @ @ @ Mitt Romney from time to time .
Kind of regretted having to kill bin Laden @ @ @ @ @ for the guy .
Remains optimistic about nation ’ s ability to consume 30 more @ @ @ @ @ and Michelle .

A Promised Land, Barack Obama’s new memoir about his presidency, was released Tuesday. The Onion looks at the biggest highlights and revelations from the book.
Eloquent, inspiring table of contents.
Heartfelt introduction from Raytheon CEO Thomas A. Kennedy.
Phrase “on the other h and” appears multiple times on every page.
Entire chapter dedicated to memory of how incredible it felt to smoke nine cigarettes a day.
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Sometimes regrets having turned America into an atheistic communist wasteland.
Bombshell revelation that despite the public signing of an executive order on his first day as president, the prison at Guantanamo Bay never actually closed.
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Detailed schematics of Nobel Peace Prize and instructions for making a to-scale model at home.
Admits he still holds private presidential debates with Mitt Romney from time to time.
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Kind of regretted having to kill bin Laden after developing some real affection for the guy.
Remains optimistic about nation’s ability to consume 30 more years of content from him and Michelle.


theonion--2020-11-18--Biden Insists Lack Of Cooperation From Trump Administration Won’t Interfere With 4 Years Of Total Po

Biden Insists Lack Of Cooperation From Trump Administration Won’t Interfere With 4 Years Of Total Political Inaction

WILMINGTON , DE—Assuring supporters that the transition process would continue apace regardless of the White House ’ s decision making , President- Elect Joe Biden insisted Wednesday that a lack of cooperation from the Trump administration would not interfere with the upcoming four years of total political inaction .
“ Folks , regardless of whether the president accepts the results today or never , we are working around the clock to ensure that on d ay o ne , this team can hit the ground running smack into a wall of partisan gridlock while contributing absolutely nothing of lasting value @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a press conference in which he revealed he had been working with a group of the country ’ s foremost experts on doing jack shit to help him guarantee he ’ ll be able to putter around the West Wing for four years while fielding questions about how congressional intransigence had ground his agenda to a complete and utter halt .
“ We hoped that Donald Trump would help us in this transition , but let me stress that I ’ m receiving outside briefings daily that will make sure I enter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my ass , twiddle my thumbs , and pretend to get something done for our photographer .
Nothing—let me repeat , nothing—will stop that.
” Biden also announced plans to reach out to Republicans across the aisle to ensure that a robust package of fuck-nothing was passed within his first hundred days .

WILMINGTON, DE—Assuring supporters that the transition process would continue apace regardless of the White House’s decision making, President- Elect Joe Biden insisted Wednesday that a lack of cooperation from the Trump administration would not interfere with the upcoming four years of total political inaction. “Folks, regardless of whether the president accepts the results today or never, we are working around the clock to ensure that on d ay o ne, this team can hit the ground running smack into a wall of partisan gridlock while contributing absolutely nothing of lasting value to the country,” said Biden in a press conference in which he revealed he had been working with a group of the country’s foremost experts on doing jack shit to help him guarantee he’ll be able to putter around the West Wing for four years while fielding questions about how congressional intransigence had ground his agenda to a complete and utter halt. “We hoped that Donald Trump would help us in this transition, but let me stress that I’m receiving outside briefings daily that will make sure I enter the Oval Office prepared to sit on my ass, twiddle my thumbs, and pretend to get something done for our photographer. Nothing—let me repeat, nothing—will stop that.” Biden also announced plans to reach out to Republicans across the aisle to ensure that a robust package of fuck-nothing was passed within his first hundred days.


theonion--2020-11-19--Man Hasn’t Heard Or Read Single True Thing In 6 Years

Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading , seeing , or hearing a single @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

Hear what has led 55-year-old Kansas City resident Jonathan Huston to not reading, seeing, or hearing a single verifiable fact since 2014.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-19--New Orleans Bans Mardi Gras Parades For 2021

New Orleans mayor LaToya Cantrell confirmed that Mardi Gras parades will be prohibited next year due to the coronavirus pandemic @ @ @ @ @ officials are asking the public to submit ideas for ways to celebrate the holiday safely @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ Sorry .
I take my marching orders from the reigning King of Bacchus.
@ @ @ @ @ s anything that symbolizes the spirit of Mardi Gras , it ’ s dutifully following @ @ @ @ @

New Orleans mayor LaToya Cantrell confirmed that Mardi Gras parades will be prohibited next year due to the coronavirus pandemic, but added that city officials are asking the public to submit ideas for ways to celebrate the holiday safely. What do you think?
“Sorry. I take my marching orders from the reigning King of Bacchus.” Kim Caputo • Menagerie Owner
“If there’s anything that symbolizes the spirit of Mardi Gras, it’s dutifully following public health advice.” Zeke Hess • Aquarium Designer
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theonion--2020-11-18--Sex Offender Registry To Start Listing Some Of Pedophile’s Positive Qualities, Too

WASHINGTON—Noting that the changes would help provide a more balanced understanding of each individual ’ s character , the National Sex Offender Registry confirmed Wednesday that they would start listing some of each pedophile ’ s positive qualities , too .
“ It ’ s only fair that we balance out some of the stuff about their sex crimes towards minors with a few bullet points about , say , how they ’ re handy around the house or great listeners , ” said program Director Kendel Ehrlich , stressing that while the registry would always offer listings of every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ offenses involving children , it was important to remember that all human beings are three-dimensional through details such as a particular pedophile ’ s passion for cooking Italian cuisine or the music of REM .
“ This guy , for example , is named Glen Prichard .
He lives in Indianapolis and he owned a large cache of child pornography .
On the other hand , it turns out he ’ s a pretty good dad , if you discount that whole incident , and he has three brothers who really loved him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ re just trying to add some nuance to a registry that used to seem a little too black and white.
” Ehrlich added that the new protocols would also encourage pederasts to go around their neighborhood and say one positive thing about themselves before diving into their prior crimes .

WASHINGTON—Noting that the changes would help provide a more balanced understanding of each individual’s character, the National Sex Offender Registry confirmed Wednesday that they would start listing some of each pedophile’s positive qualities, too. “It’s only fair that we even out some of the stuff about their sex crimes towards minors with a few bullet points about, say, how they’re handy around the house or great listeners,” said program Director Kendel Ehrlich, stressing that while the registry would always offer listings of every past offender’s location and sexual offenses involving children, it was important to remember that all human beings are three-dimensional through details such as a particular pedophile’s passion for cooking Italian cuisine or the music of REM. “This guy, for example, is named Glen Prichard. He lives in Indianapolis and he owned a large cache of child pornography. On the other hand, it turns out he’s a pretty good dad, if you discount that whole incident, and he has three brothers who really loved him until this all came out. Really, we’re just trying to add some nuance to a registry that used to seem a little too black and white.” Ehrlich added that the new protocols would also encourage pederasts to go around their neighborhood and say one positive thing about themselves before diving into their prior crimes.


theonion--2020-11-20--Hormel CEO Dares Anyone To Try And Come For His Chili Empire

Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee , King of Chil i , you @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Hear why if you come for the crown of Hormel CEO Jim Snee, King of Chil i, you best not miss.
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You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-20--40% Of Americans Plan To Attend Large Thanksgiving Celebrations

Despite the pandemic , a survey by The Ohio State University finds that 40 % of Americans intend to celebrate @ @ @ @ @ or more people and that a third of respondents will not ask guests to wear @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ If I ’ m going t o be infected , I want @ @ @ @ @ I love.
” “ Hopefully , it ’ s the 40 % of Americans that @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus .
”

Despite the pandemic, a survey by The Ohio State University finds that 40% of Americans intend to celebrate Thanksgiving with groups of 10 or more people and that a third of respondents will not ask guests to wear masks. What do you think?
“If I’m going t o be infected, I want it to be by someone I love.” Bessie Selwart, Sea Shanty Composer
“Hopefully, it’s the 40% of Americans that don’t currently have coronavirus.” Ross Aldon, Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-11-19--‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap

‘Your Honor, I’m Ready To Present,’ Says Giuliani Pulling Rotted Melon, Stray Cat Out Of Old Burlap Sack

WILLIAMSPORT , PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump , Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “ Your honor , I ’ m ready to present ” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack .
“ Give me a second and I ’ ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands , if not millions , of mail-ballot irregularities , it ’ s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth , ” said the president ’ s lawyer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ canvas bag , discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs , dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders , and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid , then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp .
“ Hang on , your honor .
As you ’ ll soon see , there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no , not this , how did this bath towel get in here ?
Whose bath towel is this ?
Objection @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s as clear as the evidence that I ’ ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers , which if the ketchup writing wasn ’ t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury .
No matter , though , because I ’ m smart and I made careful backup ketc hup copies of the fraud on some gloves , which are legally admissible in court , as soon as I find them .
Just a moment .
Now where are my potato peels ?
Sirs of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels .
I have probable cause !
Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission .
Do not look at the potato peels !
If the potato peels have been stolen , well that ’ s witness tampering right there , which means that Trump ’ s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal .
That ’ s all very legal .
But first I submit these hockey pucks , and if you ignore the bite marks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , excuse me , these are the wrong hockey pucks .
Objection !
The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it !
” At press time , Giuliani had confidently stated “ No further questions , I rest my case ” and sat chewing the melon rinds , spitting the seeds onto the prosecution ’ s table .

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Informing the judge that he had definitive proof of voter fraud against Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani reportedly announced Thursday in court “Your honor, I’m ready to present” as he pulled a rotted melon and a stray cat out of an old burlap sack. “Give me a second and I’ll show you hard evidence that there are hundreds of thousands, if not millions, of mail-ballot irregularities, it’s somewhere in here under all these pizzas and teeth,” said the president’s lawyer, rummaging through a large, stained canvas bag, discarding multiple grease-coated catalogs , dozens of half-eaten chicken tenders, and a mason jar containing a murky brown liquid, then holding up what he believed to be damning reports that turned out to be a soaking-wet tarp. “Hang on, your honor. As you’ll soon see, there are all kinds of testimonies and other documents proving definitively that officials knowingly engaged in—no, not this, how did this bath towel get in here? Whose bath towel is this? Objection! Now listen, judge your honor, it’s as clear as the evidence that I’ve written on the back of these cheeseburger wrappers, which if the ketchup writing wasn’t so smeared would clearly evidence fraud to the jury. No matter, though, because I’m smart and I made careful backup ketc hup copies of the fraud on some gloves, which are legally admissible in court, as soon as I find them. Just a moment. Now where are my potato peels? Sirs of the jury, I submit here for legal questioning and subsequent arrest and execution whichever culprit took my potato peels. I have probable cause! Those are top-secret pieces of information that have client-attorney permission. Do not look at the potato peels! If the potato peels have been stolen, well that’s witness tampering right there, which means that Trump’s case is automatically won on the grounds of appellate dismissal. That’s all very legal. But first I submit these hockey pucks, and if you ignore the bite marks, it’s unmistakable that they—wait, excuse me, these are the wrong hockey pucks. Objection! The election is a fraud and I have the plastic bags of wet leaves to prove it!” At press time, Giuliani had confidently stated “No further questions, I rest my case” and sat chewing the melon rinds, spitting the seeds onto the prosecution’s table.


theonion--2020-11-19--‘People’ Names Michael B. Jordan Sexiest Man Alive

Actor Michael B. Jordan has been named People magazine ’ s Sexiest Man Alive for 2020 , a title the @ @ @ @ @ a good club to be a part of.
” What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ wears the crown.
” “ It ’ s sad seeing journalistic institutions be forced to @ @ @ @ @ stay afloat.
” “ I ’ m tired of society constantly placing such beauty standards @ @ @ @ @ ”

Actor Michael B. Jordan has been named People magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2020, a title the Black Panther star called “a good club to be a part of.” What do you think?
“Heavy is the head that wears the crown.” Forrest Vorhaus • Equine Therapist
“It’s sad seeing journalistic institutions be forced to use sex to try and stay afloat.” Helena Lorenz • Recycling Guide
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theonion--2020-11-19--Winners And Losers Of The 2020 NBA Draft

Taking place amid the uncertainty of Covid-shortened seasons and a flurry of high-profile trades , the 2020 NBA draft will have huge implications for which GMs get fired in two years .
Here are Onion Sports ’ winners and losers of last night ’ s draft .
• Charlotte Hornets : With years of experience playing under a demanding sociopath , LaMelo Ball comes into the league ready for Michael Jordan .
• Detroit Pistons : Detroit scored highly coveted prospect Killian Hayes , who ’ s drawn comparisons to James Harden by turning the ball over on 25 % @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : With incredible vision and command of the floor , point guard Tyrese Haliburton will be the perfect franchise centerpiece for a team destined to go 33-49 for all eternity .
• Moms : Getting to see their little stars shine and get all dressed up is a treat for any mom with or without a player in the draft .
• Devin Vassell : Don ’ t know much about the Florida State shooting guard , which means he ’ s likely to win 4 titles and 2 MVPs playing for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stood their ground and didn ’ t bother listening to the so-called experts who thought they should draft for a position of need or value .
• Minnesota Timberwolves : A high-upside player with questionable shooting , it ’ s unclear whether Anthony Edwards will be another Minnesota bust or develop into in a future All-Star for the Lakers .
• Washington Wizards : Washington will take a cap hit after drafting Israeli prospect Deni Avdija , whose contract will guarantee $ 50 million a year in military subsidies to the Netanyahu government @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deal .
• Traditional College Powerhouse Teams : Zero players were selected in the lottery from Kansas , Duke , Kentucky , and North Carolina , prompting the colleges to up their financial donations to potential recruits for the upcoming season .
• LaVar Ball : With all three of his sons out of college , this empty nester will now spend the rest of his days doing crosswords and waiting to die .
• Milwaukee Bucks : With Giannis Antetokounmpo in the final year of his contract , Milwaukee failed to draft @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

Taking place amid the uncertainty of Covid-shortened seasons and a flurry of high-profile trades, the 2020 NBA draft will have huge implications for which GMs get fired in two years. Here are Onion Sports’ winners and losers of last night’s draft.
Winners
Charlotte Hornets : With years of experience playing under a demanding sociopath, LaMelo Ball comes into the league ready for Michael Jordan.
: With years of experience playing under a demanding sociopath, LaMelo Ball comes into the league ready for Michael Jordan. Detroit Pistons : Detroit scored highly coveted prospect Killian Hayes, who’s drawn comparisons to James Harden by turning the ball over on 25% of his possessions.
: Detroit scored highly coveted prospect Killian Hayes, who’s drawn comparisons to James Harden by turning the ball over on 25% of his possessions. Sacramento Kings : With incredible vision and command of the floor, point guard Tyrese Haliburton will be the perfect franchise centerpiece for a team destined to go 33-49 for all eternity.
: With incredible vision and command of the floor, point guard Tyrese Haliburton will be the perfect franchise centerpiece for a team destined to go 33-49 for all eternity. Moms : Getting to see their little stars shine and get all dressed up is a treat for any mom with or without a player in the draft.
: Getting to see their little stars shine and get all dressed up is a treat for any mom with or without a player in the draft. Devin Vassell : Don’t know much about the Florida State shooting guard, which means he’s likely to win 4 titles and 2 MVPs playing for the Spurs.
: Don’t know much about the Florida State shooting guard, which means he’s likely to win 4 titles and 2 MVPs playing for the Spurs. Phoenix Suns: They stood their ground and didn’t bother listening to the so-called experts who thought they should draft for a position of need or value.
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Losers
Minnesota Timberwolves : A high-upside player with questionable shooting, it’s unclear whether Anthony Edwards will be another Minnesota bust or develop into in a future All-Star for the Lakers.
: A high-upside player with questionable shooting, it’s unclear whether Anthony Edwards will be another Minnesota bust or develop into in a future All-Star for the Lakers. Washington Wizards : Washington will take a cap hit after drafting Israeli prospect Deni Avdija, whose contract will guarantee $50 million a year in military subsidies to the Netanyahu government as a part of a Bush-era arms deal.
: Washington will take a cap hit after drafting Israeli prospect Deni Avdija, whose contract will guarantee $50 million a year in military subsidies to the Netanyahu government as a part of a Bush-era arms deal. Traditional College Powerhouse Teams : Zero players were selected in the lottery from Kansas, Duke, Kentucky, and North Carolina, prompting the colleges to up their financial donations to potential recruits for the upcoming season.
: Zero players were selected in the lottery from Kansas, Duke, Kentucky, and North Carolina, prompting the colleges to up their financial donations to potential recruits for the upcoming season. LaVar Ball : With all three of his sons out of college, this empty nester will now spend the rest of his days doing crosswords and waiting to die.
: With all three of his sons out of college, this empty nester will now spend the rest of his days doing crosswords and waiting to die. Milwaukee Bucks: With Giannis Antetokounmpo in the final year of his contract, Milwaukee failed to draft a generational talent with the 45th pick.


theonion--2020-11-19--Gavin Newsom Slammed For Eating At The French Laundry When Atelier Crenn Clearly Superior Take On Co

Gavin Newsom Slammed For Eating At The French Laundry When Atelier Crenn Clearly Superior Take On Contemporary Cuisine

SACRAMENTO , CA—Following reports that he patronized the three-Michelin-star restaurant with a group of at least a dozen people , @ @ @ @ @ California was widely criticized Thursday for eating at The French Laundry when Atelier Crenn offers @ @ @ @ @ contemporary cuisine .
“ It ’ s absolutely unthinkable that the governor would attend a @ @ @ @ @ peaked 15 years ago when he and top lobbyists could have dined at Chef Dominique @ @ @ @ @ restaurant instead , ” said Bay Area resident Ian Samuels , blasting Newsom for how @ @ @ @ @ to be with the modern gastronomic landscape .
“ How can we trust this man @ @ @ @ @ taste in restaurants is so pedestrian ?
It ’ s upsetting to see him violate @ @ @ @ @ followed by millions of Californians—and for a completely prosaic and uninspired interpretation of Nova Scotia @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Newsom had issued a scathing review of The French Laundry @ @ @ @ @

SACRAMENTO, CA—Following reports that he patronized the three-Michelin-star restaurant with a group of at least a dozen people, Gov. Gavin Newsom of California was widely criticized Thursday for eating at The French Laundry when Atelier Crenn offers a clearly superior take on contemporary cuisine. “It’s absolutely unthinkable that the governor would attend a gathering at an establishment that peaked 15 years ago when he and top lobbyists could have dined at Chef Dominique Crenn’s strikingly inventive restaurant instead,” said Bay Area resident Ian Samuels, blasting Newsom for how out of touch he appeared to be with the modern gastronomic landscape. “How can we trust this man to lead us when his taste in restaurants is so pedestrian? It’s upsetting to see him violate the fine-dining standards being scrupulously followed by millions of Californians—and for a completely prosaic and uninspired interpretation of Nova Scotia lobster galette, no less.” At press time, Newsom had issued a scathing review of The French Laundry in response to criticism.


theonion--2020-11-19--New California Law Reclassifies Outdoor Dining As Any Restaurant Located Outside

SACRAMENTO—In an effort to clear up any confusion regarding California ’ s current Covid-19 restrictions , Governor Gavin Newsom signed @ @ @ @ @ dining as any restaurant that is located outside .
“ As of today , any @ @ @ @ @ walls are exposed to open air and whose front door can be accessed from the @ @ @ @ @ , ” said the governor , adding that the revolutionary new law would allow millions @ @ @ @ @ across the state , so long as said restaurants were not located inside another building @ @ @ @ @ ’ s recent coronavirus spike , outd oor patios , updated ventilation systems , and @ @ @ @ @ course still encouraged .
But remember , it ’ s perfectly legal to open a @ @ @ @ @ chairs , kitchen , and bar area are all inside , so long as that @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Newsom drew criticism after adding exceptions for restaurants located within other @ @ @ @ @ as diners were socially distanced and under capacity .

SACRAMENTO—In an effort to clear up any confusion regarding California’s current Covid-19 restrictions, Governor Gavin Newsom signed a law Thursday reclassifying outdoor dining as any restaurant that is located outside. “As of today, any dining establishment whose four exterior walls are exposed to open air and whose front door can be accessed from the outside is considered outdoor dining,” said the governor, adding that the revolutionary new law would allow millions of restaurants to safely open across the state, so long as said restaurants were not located inside another building. “Due to California’s recent coronavirus spike, outd oor patios, updated ventilation systems, and sidewalk service are all of course still encouraged. But remember, it’s perfectly legal to open a restaurant if the tables, chairs, kitchen, and bar area are all inside, so long as that restaurant itself is outside.” At press time, Newsom drew criticism after adding exceptions for restaurants located within other restaurants to open so long as diners were socially distanced and under capacity.


theonion--2020-11-19--Omarion Figures He No Longer Famous Enough To Have To Leave Huge Tip

LOS ANGELES—After thanking his restaurant server as she dropped off the check , actor and recording artist Omarion reportedly figured Thursday that his level of fame had diminished to the point where it was no longer necessary to leave a huge tip everywhere he went out .
“ These days , I think it ’ s fine for me to tip a healthy 25 % , ” said the 36-year-old lead singer of the boy band B2K , adding that while he wouldn ’ t have thought twice about leaving several $ 100 bills as a tip in the early @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to go overboard .
“ If it were 2003 and “ Bump , Bump , Bump ” was topping the charts , that would be another story , sure , but it ’ s not like Us Weekly is waiting outside anymore .
This waitress is too young to have seen You Got Served when it came out , and even if she watched Fat Albert as a kid , she may not remember who I am .
At this point , if I tipped 1,000 % or left behind t he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just be kind of weird .
Besides , the last thing I want is to have to do another reunion tour because money ’ s getting tight.
” At press time , the server was overheard asking her fellow employees if the guy who had just left was Nick Cannon .

LOS ANGELES—After thanking his restaurant server as she dropped off the check, actor and recording artist Omarion reportedly figured Thursday that his level of fame had diminished to the point where it was no longer necessary to leave a huge tip everywhere he went out . “These days, I think it’s fine for me to tip a healthy 25%,” said the 36-year-old lead singer of the boy band B2K, adding that while he wouldn’t have thought twice about leaving several $100 bills as a tip in the early aughts, there was no longer a need to go overboard. “If it were 2003 and “Bump, Bump, Bump” was topping the charts, that would be another story, sure, but it’s not like Us Weekly is waiting outside anymore. This waitress is too young to have seen You Got Served when it came out, and even if she watched Fat Albert as a kid, she may not remember who I am. At this point, if I tipped 1,000% or left behind t he keys to my Lamborghini, it might just be kind of weird. Besides, the last thing I want is to have to do another reunion tour because money’s getting tight.” At press time, the server was overheard asking her fellow employees if the guy who had just left was Nick Cannon.


theonion--2020-11-19--Desperate NBA Prospects Crowd Around List Taped To ESPN Bulletin Board To See Who Got Drafted

BROOKLYN—Frantically scanning the list to find their names , the 2020 NBA draft prospects desperately crowded around a bulletin board @ @ @ @ @ got drafted where .
“ Aww man , I got the Cavs ?
I wanted @ @ @ @ @ My life is over , ” said Auburn forward Isaac Okoro , who slinked away @ @ @ @ @ started jumping and hugging everyone around him after seeing he landed the coveted Golden State @ @ @ @ @ I would have been a great fit for Minnesota , too , and instead they @ @ @ @ @ ?
Even after they took me out for coffee and said I had real talent @ @ @ @ @ s all just playing favorites .
LaMelo [ Ball ] only got picked by the @ @ @ @ @ .
This is stupid , everything is stupid.
” At press time , an angry @ @ @ @ @ telling all his friends that he is never going out for basketball again .

BROOKLYN—Frantically scanning the list to find their names, the 2020 NBA draft prospects desperately crowded around a bulletin board Thursday morning to see who got drafted where. “Aww man, I got the Cavs? I wanted the Warriors so bad. My life is over,” said Auburn forward Isaac Okoro, who slinked away as James Wiseman screamed and started jumping and hugging everyone around him after seeing he landed the coveted Golden State role. “I think I would have been a great fit for Minnesota, too, and instead they pick Anthony [Edwards]? Even after they took me out for coffee and said I had real talent? I swear it’s all just playing favorites. LaMelo [Ball] only got picked by the Hornets because his dad complained. This is stupid, everything is stupid.” At press time, an angry, teary Obi Toppin was telling all his friends that he is never going out for basketball again.


theonion--2020-11-19--Sex Offender Registry To Start Listing Some Of Pedophile’s Positive Qualities Too

WASHINGTON—Noting that the changes would help provide a more balanced understanding of each individual ’ s character , the National Sex Offender Registry confirmed Wednesday that they would start listing some of each pedophile ’ s positive qualities , too .
“ It ’ s only fair that we even out some of the stuff about their sex crimes towards minors with a few bullet points about , say , how they ’ re handy around the house or great listeners , ” said program Director Kendel Ehrlich , stressing that while the registry would always offer listings of every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ offenses involving children , it was important to remember that all human beings are three-dimensional through details such as a particular pedophile ’ s passion for cooking Italian cuisine or the music of REM .
“ This guy , for example , is named Glen Prichard .
He lives in Indianapolis and he owned a large cache of child pornography .
On the other hand , it turns out he ’ s a pretty good dad , if you discount that whole incident , and he has three brothers who really loved him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ re just trying to add some nuance to a registry that used to seem a little too black and white.
” Ehrlich added that the new protocols would also encourage pederasts to go around their neighborhood and say one positive thing about themselves before diving into their prior crimes .


theonion--2020-11-20--Buzzfeed To Acquire HuffPost

Buzzfeed To Acquire HuffPost

“ It ’ s good that struggling digital media companies are banding together so they can fail all at once @ @ @ @ @ time .
”

“It’s good that struggling digital media companies are banding together so they can fail all at once instead of one at a time.”
Charity Turner • Grain Distributor


theonion--2020-11-20--Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike

Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike Protein Encapsulated In Lipid Nanoparticle

‘ It ’ s So Obvious In Retrospect , ’ Say 327 Million Pandemic-Ravaged Americans NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in amazement at their failure to see what had been staring them in the face during the entire pandemic , the nation expressed disbelief Friday that they had spent so long overlooking the obvious solution of encapsulating the mRNA instructions for a coronavirus-based spike protein in a lipid nanoparticle .
“ It ’ s so obvious in retrospect : You create a mutated form of the spike protein for SARS-CoV-2 , swap in a couple proline substitutions to trigger an immune @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a few- nanometer- thick lipid delivery mechanism , and suddenly—wham—you ’ ve got an effective coronavirus vaccine , ” said local bartender Sophie Litzman , one of 323 million citizens who slapped themselves in the forehead a t their own total idiocy for not immediately shouting out “ use a solid lipid core matrix to deliver a messenger RNA-based payload that teaches cells to churn out modified proteins to prepare the immune system for viral contact !
” the moment they saw news of the novel coronavirus ’ s spread .
“ Obviously @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was really just keeping quiet because I thought ‘ stimulating immunogenicity through intramuscular injections of a strong RBD-binding IgG with robust CD4+ and CD8+ T cell responses ’ was on the tip of everyone else ’ s tongue .
God , it ’ s just glaringly obvious now .
Stupid , stupid , stupid !
” At press time , the nation had agreed that this was really a teaching moment that the simplest solution is often the right one .

‘It’s So Obvious In Retrospect,’ Say 327 Million Pandemic-Ravaged Americans
NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in amazement at their failure to see what had been staring them in the face during the entire pandemic, the nation expressed disbelief Friday that they had spent so long overlooking the obvious solution of encapsulating the mRNA instructions for a coronavirus-based spike protein in a lipid nanoparticle. “It’s so obvious in retrospect: You create a mutated form of the spike protein for SARS-CoV-2, swap in a couple proline substitutions to trigger an immune system reaction, wrap that up in a few- nanometer- thick lipid delivery mechanism, and suddenly—wham—you’ve got an effective coronavirus vaccine,” said local bartender Sophie Litzman, one of 323 million citizens who slapped themselves in the forehead a t their own total idiocy for not immediately shouting out “use a solid lipid core matrix to deliver a messenger RNA-based payload that teaches cells to churn out modified proteins to prepare the immune system for viral contact!” the moment they saw news of the novel coronavirus’s spread. “Obviously, hindsight is 20/20, but I was really just keeping quiet because I thought ‘stimulating immunogenicity through intramuscular injections of a strong RBD-binding IgG with robust CD4+ and CD8+ T cell responses’ was on the tip of everyone else’s tongue. God, it’s just glaringly obvious now. Stupid, stupid, stupid!” At press time, the nation had agreed that this was really a teaching moment that the simplest solution is often the right one.


theonion--2020-11-20--FDA Delays Emergency Vaccine Approval Until They Finish Evaluating New Bagged Salad Kit

WASHINGTON—Clarifying that the federal agency would take a look at Pfizer ’ s submission eventually , the FDA announced Friday that it would delay the emergency coronavirus vaccine approval until they were finished evaluating a bagged salad kit .
“ We understand how important it is to get this vaccine to Americans as soon as possible , but we ’ re right in the middle of examining the ingredients of this S outhwest chopped salad kit , ” said FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn , noting that he thought it was even a little presumptuous for the pharmaceutical corporation to assume @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an equally important evaluation that would make sure American consumers were in fact getting the tangy chipotle ranch dressing , iceberg lettuce , savory tortilla strips , and zesty blend of Tex-Mex flavors that were labeled on the bag .
“ We ’ re only asking Pfizer to exercise a little patience while we determine that this chopped salad does indeed deliver the delicious spirit of the Southwest and contains no artificial ingredients or preservatives .
After all , this sala d has been in the FDA pipeline for two years .
If @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and turn our attention to the vaccine , we ’ d be putting millions of Americans ’ healthy , quick to-go meal options at stake.
” At press time , the FDA announced it would have to further delay the coronavirus vaccine approval after the agency received a top-priority request to review a new experimental Lunchables pack for emergency- use authorization .

WASHINGTON—Clarifying that the federal agency would take a look at Pfizer’s submission eventually, the FDA announced Friday that it would delay the emergency coronavirus vaccine approval until they were finished evaluating a bagged salad kit. “We understand how important it is to get this vaccine to Americans as soon as possible, but we’re right in the middle of examining the ingredients of this S outhwest chopped salad kit,” said FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn, noting that he thought it was even a little presumptuous for the pharmaceutical corporation to assume it could just jump the line over an equally important evaluation that would make sure American consumers were in fact getting the tangy chipotle ranch dressing, iceberg lettuce, savory tortilla strips, and zesty blend of Tex-Mex flavors that were labeled on the bag. “We’re only asking Pfizer to exercise a little patience while we determine that this chopped salad does indeed deliver the delicious spirit of the Southwest and contains no artificial ingredients or preservatives. After all, this sala d has been in the FDA pipeline for two years. If we were to put off this study and turn our attention to the vaccine, we’d be putting millions of Americans’ healthy, quick to-go meal options at stake.” At press time, the FDA announced it would have to further delay the coronavirus vaccine approval after the agency received a top-priority request to review a new experimental Lunchables pack for emergency- use authorization.


theonion--2020-11-20--The Worst Sports Teams Of All Time

The Worst Sports Teams Of All Time

From Tom Brady ’ s ageless pursuit of NFL dominance to the crisp , thrilling perfection of the showtime Lakers @ @ @ @ @ a showcase for amazing talent , dedication , and human achievement .
Or it can @ @ @ @ @ New York Jets .
Here is Onion Sports ’ list of the worst professional sports @ @ @ @ @

From Tom Brady’s ageless pursuit of NFL dominance to the crisp, thrilling perfection of the showtime Lakers, professional sports can be a showcase for amazing talent, dedication, and human achievement. Or it can be a showcase for the New York Jets. Here is Onion Sports’ list of the worst professional sports teams of all time.


theonion--2020-11-20--Report: You Were Lonely Before The Pandemic Started, And You’ll Be Lonely After It Ends

DENVER—According to a thorough analysis of your inability to form meaningful human connections , a report released Friday found that @ @ @ @ @ pandemic started , and you ’ ll be lonely after it ends .
“ An @ @ @ @ @ that while being surrounded by others wasn ’ t enough to mollify the deep sense @ @ @ @ @ the pandemic , there is no reason to believe things will be any different after @ @ @ @ @ ” read the report in part , explaining that the pandemic merely intensified your existing @ @ @ @ @ your rejection from society .
“ Crucially , these findings did not hold true for @ @ @ @ @ reaffirmed by the fact that during the pandemic , your situation has been comparatively much @ @ @ @ @ person on the planet .
So while others can expect to regain a sense of @ @ @ @ @ resolved , you will remain alone.
” The report concluded that you would carry this @ @ @ @ @ you are fundamentally unlikable and incapable of bei ng close to people .

DENVER—According to a thorough analysis of your inability to form meaningful human connections, a report released Friday found that you were lonely before the pandemic started, and you’ll be lonely after it ends. “An overwhelming amount of evidence indicates that while being surrounded by others wasn’t enough to mollify the deep sense of alienation you felt before the pandemic, there is no reason to believe things will be any different after this crisis is over,” read the report in part, explaining that the pandemic merely intensified your existing isolation as opposed to causing your rejection from society. “Crucially, these findings did not hold true for other individuals. This is reaffirmed by the fact that during the pandemic, your situation has been comparatively much more pathetic than any other person on the planet. So while others can expect to regain a sense of belonging once the pandemic is resolved, you will remain alone.” The report concluded that you would carry this sadness with you forever because you are fundamentally unlikable and incapable of bei ng close to people.


theonion--2020-11-20--Man On Zoom Date Unsure If He Expected To Pay Internet Bill

WENHAM , MA—Expressing confusion as to the correct etiquette for the new situation , Zach Kartman , a local man @ @ @ @ @ was reportedly unsure Friday if he was supposed to be the one to pay the @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t really know what the expectation is here , ” said a slightly @ @ @ @ @ that while suggesting they go Dutch was the simplest solution , he feared it could @ @ @ @ @ tacky .
“ Financial stuff is always so tricky early on in relationships—if I offer @ @ @ @ @ it might come across as charmingly old-fashioned , but on the other hand , she @ @ @ @ @ of chauvinistic or that there ’ s some sort of expectation of cybersex.
” At @ @ @ @ @ resolved that he would offer to pay and just hope his date didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ Wideband Wi-F i package .

WENHAM, MA—Expressing confusion as to the correct etiquette for the new situation, Zach Kartman, a local man on a video date, was reportedly unsure Friday if he was supposed to be the one to pay the internet bill. “I don’t really know what the expectation is here,” said a slightly flustered Kartman, telling reporters that while suggesting they go Dutch was the simplest solution, he feared it could come across as a little tacky. “Financial stuff is always so tricky early on in relationships—if I offer to foot the bill, it might come across as charmingly old-fashioned, but on the other hand, she might view it as sort of chauvinistic or that there’s some sort of expectation of cybersex.” At press time, Kartman had resolved that he would offer to pay and just hope his date didn’t order an expensive 5G Ultra Wideband Wi-F i package.


theonion--2020-11-20--Cloaked Man On White Steed Sick Of People Asking Him For Tidings From The North

THE COLD LANDS—Saying he didn ’ t know what it was about his cloak and white steed that drew them to him , local traveler Cosmus of Bonvia confirmed Friday that he was sick of people asking him for tidings from the north .
“ What , a man can ’ t journey through Forgotten Pass anymore without being stopped at every juncture by some whiny swordsman ?
” said Cosmus , who explained he was just about ready to ride off trail into Sorrow ’ s Bog if that meant the constant barrage of adventurers pestering him for signs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s always ‘ hark this , hark that.
’ I ’ ve never even been to the Northern Reaches ; I ’ m from Bonvia , and they would know that if they even bothered to ask my name before launching into their empty-headed spiel .
I ’ m just trying to ride around on my horse .
I don ’ t know jack shit.
” At press time , Bonvia added that now that he thought of it he had sensed a dark unrest , but it was probably @ @ @ @ @ @ @

THE COLD LANDS—Saying he didn’t know what it was about his cloak and white steed that drew them to him, local traveler Cosmus of Bonvia confirmed Friday that he was sick of people asking him for tidings from the north. “What, a man can’t journey through Forgotten Pass anymore without being stopped at every juncture by some whiny swordsman?” said Cosmus, who explained he was just about ready to ride off trail into Sorrow’s Bog if that meant the constant barrage of adventurers pestering him for signs of the Great Battalion would stop. “It’s always ‘hark this, hark that.’ I’ve never even been to the Northern Reaches; I’m from Bonvia, and they would know that if they even bothered to ask my name before launching into their empty-headed spiel. I’m just trying to ride around on my horse. I don’t know jack shit.” At press time, Bonvia added that now that he thought of it he had sensed a dark unrest, but it was probably too late to say something now.


theonion--2020-11-20--The Coronavirus Vaccine’s Path To Availability

Recent announcements of relatively successful coronavirus vaccine trials have stoked optimism about their widespread distribution , but there are more @ @ @ @ @ becomes a reality .
The Onion looks at a coronavirus vaccine ’ s path to @ @ @ @ @ : Pharmaceutical companies sense opportunity for Covid vaccine when millions of people get infected worldwide @ @ @ @ @ Normal four-year vaccine process expedited by assigning one researcher to constantly shout “ Come on @ @ @ @ @ on !
” • STEP 3 : Market researchers study what key consumer demographics are @ @ @ @ @ .
• STEP 4 : Researchers go on Amazon to see if they sell some @ @ @ @ @ can put vaccine in .
• STEP 5 : Pharmaceutical companies work alongside federal and @ @ @ @ @ how to effectively price-fix .
• STEP 7 : Solve intractable problem of how to @ @ @ @ @ .
• STEP 10 : Big Pharma continues unblemished record of dispensing cures for betterment @ @ @ @

Recent announcements of relatively successful coronavirus vaccine trials have stoked optimism about their widespread distribution, but there are more hurdles to clear before that becomes a reality. The Onion looks at a coronavirus vaccine’s path to availability.
STEP 1: Pharmaceutical companies sense opportunity for Covid vaccine when millions of people get infected worldwide.
STEP 2: Normal four-year vaccine process expedited by assigning one researcher to constantly shout “Come on, come on, come on!”
STEP 3: Market researchers study what key consumer demographics are looking for in a vaccine.
STEP 4: Researchers go on Amazon to see if they sell some sort of little jars they can put vaccine in.
STEP 5: Pharmaceutical companies work alongside federal and state leaders to figure out how to effectively price-fix.
STEP 6: Months of lifesaving clinical trials invalidated by single hastily made conspiracy Facebook meme.
STEP 7: Solve intractable problem of how to get medicine to poor people.
STEP 8: Nation begins forming line outside Pfizer facility in Kalamazoo.
STEP 9: Insurance claim denied.
STEP 10: Big Pharma continues unblemished record of dispensing cures for betterment of all mankind.


theonion--2020-11-22--Area Dad Knew That Play Would Never Work

NEW KENSINGTON , PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was @ @ @ @ @ gain , area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday ’ s Steelers game that he @ @ @ @ @ work .
“ Jesus Christ , how stupid can you be .
They run this @ @ @ @ @ times a game !
” said Mitchem , who claimed that you could see the @ @ @ @ @ Ben Roethlisberger ’ s hand that the play was going nowhere , and that any @ @ @ @ @ play .
“ I could see that call coming a mile away and so could @ @ @ @ @ a classic Steelers bullshit 2nd down call .
When you ’ ve got [ JuJu @ @ @ @ @ you should be calling a damn pass every 2nd and long.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ slant pass call on a 2nd and 9 and claiming the Steelers should be “ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

NEW KENSINGTON, PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was tackled for a short two-yard gain, area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday’s Steelers game that he knew that play would never work. “Jesus Christ, how stupid can you be. They run this fuckin’ play a hundred times a game!” said Mitchem, who claimed that you could see the second the screen pass left Ben Roethlisberger’s hand that the play was going nowhere, and that any idiot could call a better play. “I could see that call coming a mile away and so could the defense. This is a classic Steelers bullshit 2nd down call. When you’ve got [JuJu Smith-] Shuster out there you should be calling a damn pass every 2nd and long.” At press time Mitchem was admonishing a failed slant pass call on a 2nd and 9 and claiming the Steelers should be “running the damn ball more.”


theonion--2020-11-23--How To Cook A Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey

Put your head inside of the turkey and become it for a few hours .
Go to a local store @ @ @ @ @ of what it would be like to be a turkey just walking around among humans @

Put your head inside of the turkey and become it for a few hours. Go to a local store and enjoy the incredible experience of what it would be like to be a turkey just walking around among humans.


theonion--2020-11-23--Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit

Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it ’ s unusual size and strength @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-23--Pope Francis’ Instagram Likes Photo Of Bikini Model

The Vatican is launching an investigation after Pope Francis ’ s Instagram account , which is managed by a team @ @ @ @ @ photo of Brazilian model Natalia Garibotto .
What do you think ?
“ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ finally getting specific about what images it ’ s okay to masturbate to.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ how the Church survives a moral scandal like this.
” “ It ’ s not @ @ @ @ @ mystery of God ’ s type .
”

The Vatican is launching an investigation after Pope Francis’s Instagram account, which is managed by a team of people, liked a photo of Brazilian model Natalia Garibotto. What do you think?
“I’m glad the Church is finally getting specific about what images it’s okay to masturbate to.” Lenny Soper • Unemployed
“I don’t see how the Church survives a moral scandal like this.” Olivia Ulrich • Animal Talent Agent
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theonion--2020-11-23--Chris Christie Calls Trump’s Legal Team A ‘National Embarrassment’

Former New Jersey Gov .
Chris Christie said on Sunday that Trump should concede the election as his lawyers have @ @ @ @ @ of fraud and that their conduct “ has been a national embarrassment.
” What do @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t know , I think people from all over the world can feel @ @ @ @ @ You know , I once made it to regional embarrassments .
”

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said on Sunday that Trump should concede the election as his lawyers have failed to provide any evidence of fraud and that their conduct “has been a national embarrassment.” What do you think?
“Being a const ant embarrassment is a big part of Trump’s charm.” Adam Kline • Unemployed
“I don’t know, I think people from all over the world can feel embarrassed about this.” Juliet Wallis • Storm Analyst
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theonion--2020-11-23--Historians Say That First Thanksgiving Wasn’t Total Fuckfest That’s Taught In Schools

CAMBRIDGE , MA—Urging the nation to keep the event ’ s actual history in mind , researchers at Harvard University issued a reminder Monday that the first Thanksgiving was not actually the total fuckfest typically taught in schools .
“ Traditionally , we think of the first Thanksgiving as an occasion that brought together the p ilgrims and Wampanoag tribe to blow off some steam by bending each other over next to a cornucopia in a three-day , non-stop orgy , but the reality is much more nuanced than the tribes teaching some slimy bastard of a settler how to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Professor Jeffrey Hampstead , showing reporters fallacious textbook depictions of engorged Native Americans stuffing p ilgrims from both ends while their chieftain busted his load onto the face of a settler hungry for more cum .
“ All through elementary school , we ’ ve been taught that the p ilgrims fucked a turkey at this event .
Of course , that never happened .
The truth is that they only had access to elk.
” At press time , Hampstead had rapidly ushered reporters out of his office , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ furiously masturbating to an ink block print .

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Urging the nation to keep the event’s actual history in mind, researchers at Harvard University issued a reminder Monday that the first Thanksgiving was not actually the total fuckfest typically taught in schools. “Traditionally, we think of the first Thanksgiving as an occasion that brought together the p ilgrims and Wampanoag tribe to blow off some steam by bending each other over next to a cornucopia in a three-day, non-stop orgy, but the reality is much more nuanced than the tribes teaching some slimy bastard of a settler how to go knuckle deep into a gaping asshole,” said Professor Jeffrey Hampstead, showing reporters fallacious textbook depictions of engorged Native Americans stuffing p ilgrims from both ends while their chieftain busted his load onto the face of a settler hungry for more cum. “All through elementary school, we’ve been taught that the p ilgrims fucked a turkey at this event. Of course, that never happened. The truth is that they only had access to elk.” At press time, Hampstead had rapidly ushered reporters out of his office, pulled the blinds , and sta rted furiously masturbating to an ink block print.


theonion--2020-11-23--‘Daddy, I’m Hungry!’ Says 27-Year-Old Bursting Into Background Of Father's Video Conference

SEATTLE—Sprinting through the office door and leaping onto his stunned father ’ s lap , 27-year-old Dennis Radomir loudly announced @ @ @ @ @ ’ m hungry ” Monday as he burst into the background of a work-related video @ @ @ @ @ Daddy , my tummy is grumbling , please can I have my yum yums now @ @ @ @ @ grown adult male before taking off his shirt , falling to the ground , and @ @ @ @ @ refused to give him his favorite “ dino nuggies.
” “ But D addy !
@ @ @ @ @ M ommy ’ s being mean to me and says she ’ s on the @ @ @ @ @ , please ?
Oh !
Can I use your ’ puter to play Minecraft ?
@ @ @ @ @ go potty , but no one will help me.
” At press time , Radomir @ @ @ @ @ the office by his furious mother who was simultaneously attempting to breastfeed his 24-year-old little @ @

SEATTLE—Sprinting through the office door and leaping onto his stunned father’s lap, 27-year-old Dennis Radomir loudly announced “D addy, I’m hungry” Monday as he burst into the background of a work-related video conference. “Daddy, Daddy, my tummy is grumbling, please can I have my yum yums now,” whined the fully grown adult male before taking off his shirt, falling to the ground, and crying loudly after his father refused to give him his favorite “dino nuggies.” “But D addy! I’m bored and M ommy’s being mean to me and says she’s on the phone. Please, please, please? Oh! Can I use your ’ puter to play Minecraft? Also, I have to go potty, but no one will help me.” At press time, Radomir had been dragged out of the office by his furious mother who was simultaneously attempting to breastfeed his 24-year-old little brother.


theonion--2020-11-23--Biden Announces Secretary Of Health And Human Services Will Be Ring Of Diverse Children Holding Hand

Biden Announces Secretary Of Health And Human Services Will Be Ring Of Diverse Children Holding Hands

WASHINGTON—Calling the cabinet choice a “ perfect symbol of unity , ” P resident-elect Joe Biden announced at a press conference Monday that his administration ’ s Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee would be a ring of diverse children holding hands .
“ Starting January 20 , the Department of Health and Human Services will be helmed by 10 elementary school-age boys and girls locked arm in arm , standing in a circle , and dancing around a globe , ” said Biden , adding that the smiling Caucasian , African American , Asian , and Hispanic children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ together , they represented a global idea of harmony and love .
“ Over the last four years , President Trump has worked to destabilize the American government , and these smiling children , dressed in all the colors of the rainbow , will bring us together .
I assure the American people , once you hear them sing ‘ I ’ d Like To Buy The World A Coke , ’ your faith in our country will be restored.
” At press time , Biden was under fire after evidence surfaced that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ War despite their motto of “ world peace for all .
”

WASHINGTON—Calling the cabinet choice a “perfect symbol of unity,” P resident-elect Joe Biden announced at a press conference Monday that his administration’s Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee would be a ring of diverse children holding hands. “Starting January 20 , the Department of Health and Human Services will be helmed by 10 elementary school-age boys and girls locked arm in arm, standing in a circle, and dancing around a globe,” said Biden, adding that the smiling Caucasian, African American, Asian, and Hispanic children beat out hundreds of career politicians because together, they represented a global idea of harmony and love. “Over the last four years, President Trump has worked to destabilize the American government, and these smiling children, dressed in all the colors of the rainbow, will bring us together. I assure the American people, once you hear them sing ‘I’d Like To Buy The World A Coke,’ your faith in our country will be restored.” At press time, Biden was under fire after evidence surfaced that the children had fervently supported the Iraq War despite their motto of “world peace for all.”


theonion--2020-11-23--Mom Explains New Wildly Ill-Informed Measures To Keep Family Safe During Thanksgiving

HOLLYWOOD , FL—Calling her dinner plan “ foolproof ” despite varying significantly from recommendations issued by the CDC , area mother Jill Elliott explained several new , wildly ill-informed measures Monday to keep her family safe during Thanksgiving .
“ I ’ ve been doing my research , and I think if I sit the whole family at an extra- long table , give everyone their own disposable silverware , and spray some Lysol into the air every few minutes between courses , we should be a-okay , ” said Elliott , holding up several bottles of hand sanitizer in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the other while listing off various well-intentioned but completely off- base strategies for preventing the spread of coronavirus .
“ The second people come over , I ’ m going to open all the windows , take everyone ’ s temperature , and sit your grandparents at a separate table in the living room where there ’ s a fireplace , because I heard the coronavirus can ’ t survive heat .
Also , I know we have some people flying in from out of state , and I think as long as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , instead of face to face , that should stop the spread.
” Elliott added that even though she had a fever and a bit of a cough , she was sure she ’ d be over it by the time her family arrived .

HOLLYWOOD, FL—Calling her dinner plan “foolproof” despite varying significantly from recommendations issued by the CDC, area mother Jill Elliott explained several new, wildly ill-informed measures Monday to keep her family safe during Thanksgiving. “I’ve been doing my research, and I think if I sit the whole family at an extra- long table, give everyone their own disposable silverware, and spray some Lysol into the air every few minutes between courses, we should be a-okay,” said Elliott, holding up several bottles of hand sanitizer in one hand and a box fan in the other while listing off various well-intentioned but completely off- base strategies for preventing the spread of coronavirus. “The second people come over, I’m going to open all the windows, take everyone’s temperature, and sit your grandparents at a separate table in the living room where there’s a fireplace, because I heard the coronavirus can’t survive heat. Also, I know we have some people flying in from out of state, and I think as long as they hug high-risk people from the side, instead of face to face, that should stop the spread.” Elliott added that even though she had a fever and a bit of a cough, she was sure she’d be over it by the time her family arrived.


theonion--2020-11-23--Coronavirus Optimistic New Mutation Will Be Widely Available To Public By Early Spring

SIOUX FALLS , SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic , the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring .
“ We ’ ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as quickly as possible , and we ’ re pleased to share that trials have been an overwhelming success , ” said a spokesperson for Covid-19 , who stated the general public could expect to see first cases rolled out to healthcare workers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ December .
“ Normally the development and distribution of something like this would take years , but thanks to a concerted national effort , we ’ ve been able to work at a breakneck speed .
Naturally , numbers will be limited at first , but by April , we ’ re hoping this new mutation will be easily contractible across the entire country .
And on top of that , we ’ re absolutely certain it will be available worldwide by the end of 2021.
” At press time , the virus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ state how none of this would be possible without the Trump administration .

SIOUX FALLS, SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic, the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring. “We’ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as quickly as possible, and we’re pleased to share that trials have been an overwhelming success,” said a spokesperson for Covid-19, who stated the general public could expect to see first cases rolled out to healthcare workers and other vulnerable populations as early as December. “Normally the development and distribution of something like this would take years, but thanks to a concerted national effort, we’ve been able to work at a breakneck speed. Naturally, numbers will be limited at first, but by April, we’re hoping this new mutation will be easily contractible across the entire country. And on top of that, we’re absolutely certain it will be available worldwide by the end of 2021.” At press time, the virus spokesperson added it was impossible to over state how none of this would be possible without the Trump administration.


theonion--2020-11-23--Deal Alert: The Quantity Of Raw Plastic And Silicon That Makes Up An Xbox Series X Can Be Yours For

Deal Alert: The Quantity Of Raw Plastic And Silicon That Makes Up An Xbox Series X Can Be Yours For Just $8.27

Whoa-ho-ho , gamers , looks like the deal of the year has been staring us in the face all along !
After getting off the phone with a representative at DuPont , it turns out that 9.8 pounds of silicon and plastic is way more affordable than we assumed , meaning you can own the quantity of materials that make up an Xbox Series X for a mere $ 8.27 !
Looks like Christmas came early for any gamers looking to buy the constituent components making up the hottest ticket of this holiday system !
Sure , Microsoft ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at every electronics store in the country , but that ’ s no excuse for not owning the basic materials that form its semiconductors and casing—and at a fraction of the cost !
In fact , if you buy it wholesale at scale—we ’ re talking 200 to 300 pounds of silicon—you can get it for even cheaper .
Of course , owning five palettes of industrial-grade silicon might be a bit much for the average gamer , but for the right person , it would mean having the equivalent of 30 Xbox @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Just imagine the look your friends will have when you invite them over to check out your new Xbox and you point out the pallet of chemical materials sitting on your entertainment center .
Heck , you could even take a welding class for only an additional $ 125 or so at the local adult education center , and then you ’ re almost all the way to owning this face-melting graphical powerhouse .
Assuming you get some sort of engineering degree , you could even melt the plastic down in an industrial @ @ @ @ @ @ @ approximating the real thing , and paint it matte black .
Pretty cool , huh ?
It ’ s enough to put a smile on any Microsoft fanboy or fangirl ’ s face !
Plus , Halo Infinite might not even be out yet , but the polycarbonate that its 4K Blu-Ray is made out of only costs $ 1.90 per pound .
Picture the jealousy in your best bud ’ s eyes when you pull out a handful of that , point to it , and say , “ T his could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and it ’ s all mine !
” Really , all you ’ d have to do is carve the polycarbonate into 0.6 MM layers , then use a laser to inscribe it in just the right way and you ’ d be well on your way to getting the first-ever playable copy of 343 Industry ’ s next sci-fi epic in the whole world !
But jump on this deal quick , gamers !
Once people catch wind that they could be getting their hands on a real-life approximation of the Series @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they ’ re going to be standing in line outside every raw material supplier ’ s warehouse in the country .
Heck , we ’ ll say it .
This is the most exciting time for video games since we learned back in the ’ 80s that all you have to do is rearrange a few billion cells in your body and you ’ d become Shigeru Miyamoto .

Whoa-ho-ho, gamers, looks like the deal of the year has been staring us in the face all along! After getting off the phone with a representative at DuPont, it turns out that 9.8 pounds of silicon and plastic is way more affordable than we assumed, meaning you can own the quantity of materials that make up an Xbox Series X for a mere $8.27!
Looks like Christmas came early for any gamers looking to buy the constituent components making up the hottest ticket of this holiday system!
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Sure, Microsoft’s latest and greatest console might be backordered at every electronics store in the country, but that’s no excuse for not owning the basic materials that form its semiconductors and casing—and at a fraction of the cost! In fact, if you buy it wholesale at scale—we’re talking 200 to 300 pounds of silicon—you can get it for even cheaper. Of course, owning five palettes of industrial-grade silicon might be a bit much for the average gamer, but for the right person, it would mean having the equivalent of 30 Xbox Series Xs. Think about that!
Just imagine the look your friends will have when you invite them over to check out your new Xbox and you point out the pallet of chemical materials sitting on your entertainment center. Heck, you could even take a welding class for only an additional $125 or so at the local adult education center, and then you’re almost all the way to owning this face-melting graphical powerhouse. Assuming you get some sort of engineering degree, you could even melt the plastic down in an industrial furnace, form it into a shape approximating the real thing, and paint it matte black. Pretty cool, huh?
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It’s enough to put a smile on any Microsoft fanboy or fangirl’s face!
Plus, Halo Infinite might not even be out yet, but the polycarbonate that its 4K Blu-Ray is made out of only costs $1.90 per pound. Picture the jealousy in your best bud’s eyes when you pull out a handful of that, point to it, and say, “T his could be Master Chief’s next adventure and it’s all mine! ” Really, all you’d have to do is carve the polycarbonate into 0.6 MM layers, then use a laser to inscribe it in just the right way and you’d be well on your way to getting the first-ever playable copy of 343 Industry’s next sci-fi epic in the whole world!
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But jump on this deal quick, gamers! Once people catch wind that they could be getting their hands on a real-life approximation of the Series X for pennies on the dollar, they’re going to be standing in line outside every raw material supplier’s warehouse in the country. Heck, we’ll say it. This is the most exciting time for video games since we learned back in the ’ 80s that all you have to do is rearrange a few billion cells in your body and you’d become Shigeru Miyamoto.