theonion--2020-06-05--Richmond, Virginia Mayor Issues Ordinance To Remove Confederate Statues

Mayor Levar Stoney announced plans to remove all city-controlled Confederate statues from Monument Avenue , saying “ Richmond is no @ @ @ @ @ Confederacy—it is filled with diversity and love for all—and we need to demonstrate that.
” @ @ @ @ @ “ Richmond is still the capital of Genworth Financial , though , right ?
” @ @ @ @ @ to see such a quick response to an issue that ’ s been plaguing Richmond @ @ @ @ @ This is a far more effective strategy than asking the statues to leave .
”

Mayor Levar Stoney announced plans to remove all city-controlled Confederate statues from Monument Avenue, saying “Richmond is no longer the capital of the Confederacy—it is filled with diversity and love for all—and we need to demonstrate that.” What do you think?
“Richmond is still the capital of Genworth Financial, though, right?” Bernadette Price • Smoothie Maker
“It’s nice to see such a quick response to an issue that’s been plaguing Richmond for 130 years.” Guy Cochrane • Loom Repairman
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theonion--2020-06-08--Poll Finds Two-Thirds Of Americans Think Trump Has Made Racial Tensions Worse

As the nation enters week three of protests against police brutality sparked by the death of George Floyd , 67 @ @ @ @ @ Trump has increased racial tensions and 62 % agree the demonstrations are lawful , according @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ As someone who has been advocating for racial equality @ @ @ @ @ now , I ’ m horrified .
”

As the nation enters week three of protests against police brutality sparked by the death of George Floyd, 67% of Americans say President Trump has increased racial tensions and 62% agree the demonstrations are lawful, according to a Marist poll. What do you think?
“I’m j ust g lad the protests haven’t hurt America’s fragile polling industry.” Reese Giammaria, VCR Repairman
“Another campaign promise kept.” Jess Pliskin, Laboratory Custodian
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theonion--2020-06-08--TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids

CULVER CITY , CA—Expressing their sincerest regret for the massive oversight , video-sharing app TikTok issued an apology Monday after @ @ @ @ @ thousands of theater kids .
“ Rumors that users are exploiting our service to perform @ @ @ @ @ are deeply disturbing , and we ’ re very sorry we ’ ve allowed this @ @ @ @ @ CEO Kevin A. Mayer , who explained the company never intended their app to fall @ @ @ @ @ spend their entire weekend memorizing the soundtrack and choreography of Dear Evan Hansen .
“ @ @ @ @ @ harmless way for hot , popular teens to have fun .
Elaborate harmonies and costuming @ @ @ @ @ .
TikTok is no place for using a split screen to sing a duet with @ @ @ @ @ .
Honestly , it ’ s sickening that these videos are circulating , and we @ @ @ @ @ everything in our power to crack down on the users responsible.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ app ’ s moderators would begin flagging all videos that feature dancing .

CULVER CITY, CA—Expressing their sincerest regret for the massive oversight, video-sharing app TikTok issued an apology Monday after inadvertently giving a platform to thousands of theater kids. “Rumors that users are exploiting our service to perform A Star Is Born covers are deeply disturbing, and we’re very sorry we’ve allowed this to happen,” said CEO Kevin A. Mayer, who explained the company never intended their app to fall into clutches of individuals who spend their entire weekend memorizing the soundtrack and choreography of Dear Evan Hansen. “TikTok was devised as a harmless way for hot, popular teens to have fun. Elaborate harmonies and costuming have no home on TikTok. TikTok is no place for using a split screen to sing a duet with yourself in full Wicked makeup. Honestly, it’s sickening that these videos are circulating, and we’re going to do everything in our power to crack down on the users responsible.” At press time, Mayer added that the app’s moderators would begin flagging all videos that feature dancing.


theonion--2020-06-08--Congress Announces Willingness To Offer Black Lives Matter Protesters Holiday Or Statue

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of taking concrete steps to address systemic racism and police brutality in the United States , Congress reportedly announced Monday their willingness to offer Black Lives Matter protesters a holiday or statue .
“ We have seen people around this nation calling for dramatic change , and I can assure you that we intend to meet this moment with the support it deserves—a nice memorial , say , or perhaps a national day of remembrance that individual states can decide to declare an official day off work if they want , ” said Speaker of the House @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a bipartisan group of representatives that if these solutions were not acceptable to leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement , Congress was also willing to consider painting a mural .
“ Whether it ’ s one fairly prominent statue of a black person and white person holding hands in D.C. or several smaller ones in cities nationwide , we in Congress are committed to acknowledging the validity and importance of the Black Lives Matter movement .
We will make sure that your voices are heard in small script on the bottom of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in some D.C. park.
” At press time , Congress announced that it was also open to sending all Black Lives Matter movement leaders cupcakes .

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the importance of taking concrete steps to address systemic racism and police brutality in the United States, Congress reportedly announced Monday their willingness to offer Black Lives Matter protesters a holiday or statue. “We have seen people around this nation calling for dramatic change, and I can assure you that we intend to meet this moment with the support it deserves—a nice memorial, say, or perhaps a national day of remembrance that individual states can decide to declare an official day off work if they want,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), echoing a bipartisan group of representatives that if these solutions were not acceptable to leaders of the Black Lives Matter movement, Congress was also willing to consider painting a mural. “Whether it’s one fairly prominent statue of a black person and white person holding hands in D.C. or several smaller ones in cities nationwide, we in Congress are committed to acknowledging the validity and importance of the Black Lives Matter movement. We will make sure that your voices are heard in small script on the bottom of federal calendars or in a bronze statue in some D.C. park.” At press time, Congress announced that it was also open to sending all Black Lives Matter movement leaders cupcakes.


theonion--2020-06-08--Company Issues Statement Announcing They Stand With Rejected Black Applicants

NEW YORK—Voicing support for those it ultimately passed over in favor of a white applicant , financial services giant Morgan Stanley issued a statement Monday indicating it stands in solidarity with all its rejected African American job candidates .
“ There is no excuse for racial discrimination in America or anywhere else , and that is why our company and its affiliates demand equality for the many black people we have interviewed as a courtesy over the years with no real intention of ever hiring , ” read the statement from the investment bank at which approximately 2 % of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Similarly , as we look out our windows and watch tens of thousands of protestors fill the streets to demand justice , we wish to express support for the black job seekers whose résumés we gave only a cursory glance before convincing ourselves they probably wouldn ’ t be a good fit .
At this moment in our history—which we hope will become a turning point in race relations—we also stand firmly with our black team members who have been routinely passed over for promotions and kept in low-paying positions , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the same amount as their white counterparts .
We urge them all to stay strong.
” The statement went on to confirm the company would attempt to offset the widespread minority unemployment it had helped cause with a nominal one-time donation to a civil rights organization .

NEW YORK—Voicing support for those it ultimately passed over in favor of a white applicant, financial services giant Morgan Stanley issued a statement Monday indicating it stands in solidarity with all its rejected African American job candidates. “There is no excuse for racial discrimination in America or anywhere else, and that is why our company and its affiliates demand equality for the many black people we have interviewed as a courtesy over the years with no real intention of ever hiring,” read the statement from the investment bank at which approximately 2% of executive positions are held by African Americans. “Similarly, as we look out our windows and watch tens of thousands of protestors fill the streets to demand justice, we wish to express support for the black job seekers whose résumés we gave only a cursory glance before convincing ourselves they probably wouldn’t be a good fit. At this moment in our history—which we hope will become a turning point in race relations—we also stand firmly with our black team members who have been routinely passed over for promotions and kept in low-paying positions, or were otherwise denied opportunities to earn the same amount as their white counterparts. We urge them all to stay strong.” The statement went on to confirm the company would attempt to offset the widespread minority unemployment it had helped cause with a nominal one-time donation to a civil rights organization.


theonion--2020-06-08--Kyrie Irving Suggests NBA Hold Games Inside Higher Plane Of Reality Beyond Limits Of Mortal Realm

NEW YORK—Warning that players need to be protected not just from coronavirus but from the corruption of modern life itself , Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving suggested Monday that the NBA keep players safe when reopening by holding games in a higher plane of reality free from the limits of the conscious , mortal realm .
“ I know guys are worried about playing again , but we can take care by just projecting ourselves to a dimension beyond physical existence , ” said Irving , who claimed that our bodies are only exposed to weakness , sickness , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we are told about this reality .
“ The coronavirus is not real , none of this is .
It is only as real as we make it .
Disease does not need to exist , foul trouble does not need to exist .
If we all focus our minds and transcend to the next astral realm , we could easily finish the season free on these false constraints the world imposes on us.
” At press time , Irving was struggling to determine where out of bounds would be if every player @ @ @ @ @ @ @ physical form .

NEW YORK—Warning that players need to be protected not just from coronavirus but from the corruption of modern life itself, Brooklyn Nets guard Kyrie Irving suggested Monday that the NBA keep players safe when reopening by holding games in a higher plane of reality free from the limits of the conscious, mortal realm. “I know guys are worried about playing again, but we can take care by just projecting ourselves to a dimension beyond physical existence,” said Irving, who claimed that our bodies are only exposed to weakness, sickness, and death when we unquestioningly accept the stories we are told about this reality. “The coronavirus is not real, none of this is. It is only as real as we make it. Disease does not need to exist, foul trouble does not need to exist. If we all focus our minds and transcend to the next astral realm, we could easily finish the season free on these false constraints the world imposes on us.” At press time, Irving was struggling to determine where out of bounds would be if every player’s soul existed outside of their physical form.


theonion--2020-06-08--15 Popes They Didn’t Tell You About In Sunday School

Sure , everyone has heard of Pope Francis or Pope John Paul , but there are quite a few pontiffs @ @ @ @ @ the Catholic Church that your teachers never dared to tell you about .
Read on @ @ @ @ @ interesting , trailblazing , or outright controversial popes .

Sure, everyone has heard of Pope Francis or Pope John Paul, but there are quite a few pontiffs in the shocking history of the Catholic Church that your teachers never dared to tell you about. Read on to learn more about these interesting, trailblazing, or outright controversial popes.


theonion--2020-06-08--New LinkedIn Feature Lets Job-Seekers Add Most Humiliating Things They Willing To Endure

It ’ s tough competition for those out there seeking employment .
We ’ ve got the latest on how @ @ @ @ @ feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land @ @ @ @ @ desperately crave .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

It’s tough competition for those out there seeking employment. We’ve got the latest on how you can use the new feature to make yourself seem weak and easy to manipulate so you can finally land that dream job you so desperately crave.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-08--Youtube Star Jake Paul Charged With Trespassing

Social media influencer Jake Paul was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass and unlawful assembly after video footage showed him present @ @ @ @ @ it was looted , though Paul says he did not take anything and was only @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Who amongst us can honestly say they would be able to resist @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Fashion Square ?
” “ I ’ m grateful to Jake Paul for @ @ @ @ @ movement so in need of zany commentary .
”

Social media influencer Jake Paul was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass and unlawful assembly after video footage showed him present inside an Arizona mall as it was looted, though Paul says he did not take anything and was only observing. What do you think?
“Who amongst us can honestly say they would be able to resist the temptation of Scottsdale’s Fashion Square?” Joseph Brame, Systems Analyst
“Huh, I guess talentless millionaires can be flawed individuals, too.” Verne Lafferty, Horse Barber
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theonion--2020-06-09--U.S. Economy Officially Entered Recession In February

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research , the United States officially entered a recession in February after coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ country , ending 11 years of growth .
What do you think ?
“ Personally @ @ @ @ @ ‘ economy ’ thing is a hoax.
” “ Jeez , there just doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ upsides to this global pandemic.
” “ That explains my loss of income and general @ @ @ @ @

According to the National Bureau of Economic Research, the United States officially entered a recession in February after coronavirus outbreaks shuttered businesses across the country, ending 11 years of growth. What do you think?
“Personally, I think this whole ‘economy’ thing is a hoax.” Camille Stout, Gout Authority
“Jeez, there just doesn’t seem to be any upsides to this global pandemic.” Dave Masline, Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-06-09--‘New Yorker’ Cartoon Editor Defends Publishing Comic By Tom Cotton

NEW YORK—Responding to reader outcry by explaining that the magazine was committed to publishing work by people from all political perspectives , New Yorker cartoon editor Emma Allen defended publishing a comic Tuesday by Tom Cotton .
“ While we might not agree with every word of our cartoonists ’ captions and every stroke of their pens , we are committed to placing their views in the corners of our magazine pages , ” said Allen , adding that Cotton ’ s latest commissioned piece may be more political than his normal cartoons featuring his classic character , the Ozark @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on an important national issue in a different manner than the The New Yorker ’ s other cartoons .
“ We hear our readers ’ criticisms , but we stand by Senator Cotton ’ s cartoon .
We ’ re committed to publishing quips and jests from all sides of the political spectrum .
Over the years , we ’ ve published controversial cartoons from dozens of senators , as well as five secretaries of defense , and Presidents Dwight D. Eisenhower , George H.W .
Bush , and Jimmy Carter .
This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but we ’ re not in the business of silencing voices.
” The New Yorker “ Goings On About Town ” editor similarly defended the magazine ’ s recommendation of several local Identity Evropa and Patriot Front rallies .

NEW YORK—Responding to reader outcry by explaining that the magazine was committed to publishing work by people from all political perspectives, New Yorker cartoon editor Emma Allen defended publishing a comic Tuesday by Tom Cotton. “While we might not agree with every word of our cartoonists’ captions and every stroke of their pens, we are committed to placing their views in the corners of our magazine pages,” said Allen, adding that Cotton’s latest commissioned piece may be more political than his normal cartoons featuring his classic character, the Ozark Cave Fish, but it did touch on an important national issue in a different manner than the The New Yorker’s other cartoons. “We hear our readers’ criticisms, but we stand by Senator Cotton’s cartoon. We’re committed to publishing quips and jests from all sides of the political spectrum. Over the years, we’ve published controversial cartoons from dozens of senators, as well as five secretaries of defense, and Presidents Dwight D. Eisenhower, George H.W. Bush, and Jimmy Carter. This crudely rendered cartoon may offend some people, but we’re not in the business of silencing voices.” The New Yorker “Goings On About Town” editor similarly defended the magazine’s recommendation of several local Identity Evropa and Patriot Front rallies.


theonion--2020-06-09--Woman Who Hasn’t Attended Protest Yet Hoping Police Brutality Still Going On Next Week Too

MINNEAPOLIS—Realizing she had yet to make it out to a protest , local woman Alexis Hunt reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that police brutality would still be going on next week , too .
“ I feel bad I haven ’ t gotten around to protesting yet , but there ’ s still the chance cops will be beating people in the street this coming week , too—fingers crossed !
” said Hunt , who pointed to warmer weather and restaurant reopenings as reasons she ’ d been “ totally booked ” these past two weeks .
“ I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s anything planned , and I found a video of a cop roughing up a couple of black teenagers , so that ’ s encouraging .
I would just hate for things to end before the sign I ordered off Etsy arrived .
I ’ d be down for something on the weekend .
Maybe , like , 1:30 , 2 p.m ?
And close to my house since I hate walking.
” At press time , a disappointed Hunt was worried she ’ d run out of time upon learning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ police force .

MINNEAPOLIS—Realizing she had yet to make it out to a protest, local woman Alexis Hunt reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that police brutality would still be going on next week, too. “I feel bad I haven’t gotten around to protesting yet, but there’s still the chance cops will be beating people in the street this coming week, too—fingers crossed!” said Hunt, who pointed to warmer weather and restaurant reopenings as reasons she’d been “totally booked” these past two weeks. “I’ve been checking social media to see if there’s anything planned, and I found a video of a cop roughing up a couple of black teenagers, so that’s encouraging. I would just hate for things to end before the sign I ordered off Etsy arrived. I’d be down for something on the weekend. Maybe, like, 1:30, 2 p.m? And close to my house since I hate walking.” At press time, a disappointed Hunt was worried she’d run out of time upon learning her city was moving toward disbanding the police force.


theonion--2020-06-09--Major Hype: Gamers Have Been Divorcing Their Spouses Because They Aren’t As Beautiful As The Graphic

Major Hype: Gamers Have Been Divorcing Their Spouses Because They Aren’t As Beautiful As The Graphics On ‘Unreal Engine 5’

Anyone who caught last month ’ s Unreal Engine 5 demo footage knows that the hype is real .
Its photorealistic textures , pitch-perfect physics , and mind-boggling number of onscreen polygons are set to define what ’ s possible for the next generation .
But the proof in the pudding that UE5 will change everything isn ’ t in the demonstration itself , but in how it ’ s affecting the personal lives of gamers everywhere .
Millions across the globe have started divorcing their spouses after realizing their loved ones will never be as beautiful as Unreal Engine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ In The Land Of Nanit .
If that doesn ’ t have you pumped for the future of gaming glory , we don ’ t know what will !
“ After seeing the demo , I looked at my husband , David , and I realized that he meant nothing to me , ” said Anna Jewell , one of an estimated 350,000 gamers who walked out on a spouse or children after seeing the Lumen In The Land Of Nanite demo .
“ The shading on his upper lip looked off .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ flat and kind of lifeless compared to the characters rendered in dynamic global illumination .
So I just packed up my things and drove to the Epic Games headquarters to see if they had more to watch.
” “ Honestly , he could live or die and I would feel absolutely nothing at this point , ” she added .
“ I just want to see more of what Epic does with photogrammetry.
” That ’ s right !
Just one glimpse at this Hollywood-level ray tracing has led many gamers to flee @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and go to a nearby motel where they could repeatedly watch the heart-racing nine-minute graphics demonstration without interruption .
Boy , we can only imagine how awesome gaming on the Xbox One and PS5 is going to be if the graphics are already ripping families apart !
So hang tight , gamers .
The next generation is coming in a matter of months , and when it does , we can all finally leave the underwhelming real world for the level of rendering fidelity that we ’ ve always wanted .
Until then @ @ @ @ @ @

Anyone who caught last month’s Unreal Engine 5 demo footage knows that the hype is real. Its photorealistic textures, pitch-perfect physics, and mind-boggling number of onscreen polygons are set to define what’s possible for the next generation. But the proof in the pudding that UE5 will change everything isn’t in the demonstration itself, but in how it’s affecting the personal lives of gamers everywhere. Millions across the globe have started divorcing their spouses after realizing their loved ones will never be as beautiful as Unreal Engine 5’s face-melting graphics in Lumen In The Land Of Nanit.
If that doesn’t have you pumped for the future of gaming glory, we don’t know what will!
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“After seeing the demo, I looked at my husband, David, and I realized that he meant nothing to me,” said Anna Jewell, one of an estimated 350,000 gamers who walked out on a spouse or children after seeing the Lumen In The Land Of Nanite demo. “The shading on his upper lip looked off. Plus, it seemed like he was flat and kind of lifeless compared to the characters rendered in dynamic global illumination. So I just packed up my things and drove to the Epic Games headquarters to see if they had more to watch.”
“Honestly, he could live or die and I would feel absolutely nothing at this point,” she added. “I just want to see more of what Epic does with photogrammetry.”
Advertisement Advertisement
That’s right! Just one glimpse at this Hollywood-level ray tracing has led many gamers to flee their homes while their spouse was asleep and go to a nearby motel where they could repeatedly watch the heart-racing nine-minute graphics demonstration without interruption. Boy, we can only imagine how awesome gaming on the Xbox One and PS5 is going to be if the graphics are already ripping families apart!
So hang tight, gamers. The next generation is coming in a matter of months, and when it does, we can all finally leave the underwhelming real world for the level of rendering fidelity that we’ve always wanted. Until then, stay tuned to OGN!


theonion--2020-06-09--8-Month Odyssey Of Distress, Despair Ends In Redemption As Man Finally Gets Around To Buying Batteri

8-Month Odyssey Of Distress, Despair Ends In Redemption As Man Finally Gets Around To Buying Batteries For Remote

PORTLAND , OR—As he summoned his strength to overcome the grave misfortune that befell him nearly eight months ago , a dire saga of great anguish reportedly ended in triumph Tuesday when a local man finally got around to purchasing the batteries needed to power his TV ’ s remote control .
“ Sweet , now I won ’ t have to get up off the sofa every time I want to change the channel , ” said Jason Higgins , who according to sources embarked upon a journey to a nearby CVS in search of a soda that might @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spirits , but , as he traversed endcap and aisle , chanced to uncover the $ 5.99 two-pack of AAAs that would end his long torment .
“ I remember the old batteries died when I was watching playoff baseball , so it ’ s been a while .
I tried taking the ones out of the Xbox controller , but they were AA , and also then I couldn ’ t play Xbox , which sucked.
” At press time , reports confirmed Higgins had changed the batteries and then immediately misplaced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ look for it later and just watch whatever channel was on for now .

PORTLAND, OR—As he summoned his strength to overcome the grave misfortune that befell him nearly eight months ago, a dire saga of great anguish reportedly ended in triumph Tuesday when a local man finally got around to purchasing the batteries needed to power his TV’s remote control. “Sweet, now I won’t have to get up off the sofa every time I want to change the channel,” said Jason Higgins, who according to sources embarked upon a journey to a nearby CVS in search of a soda that might slake his thirst and buoy his flagging spirits, but, as he traversed endcap and aisle, chanced to uncover the $5.99 two-pack of AAAs that would end his long torment. “I remember the old batteries died when I was watching playoff baseball, so it’s been a while. I tried taking the ones out of the Xbox controller, but they were AA, and also then I couldn’t play Xbox, which sucked.” At press time, reports confirmed Higgins had changed the batteries and then immediately misplaced the remote, telling himself he would look for it later and just watch whatever channel was on for now.


theonion--2020-06-09--Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 9, 2020

When all is said and done , only you can make yourself feel bad .
But that won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ .

Taurus | April 20 to May 20
When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won’t keep everyone else from trying.


theonion--2020-06-09--Panicked White Woman Calls Police On Statue Of Martin Luther King Jr.

Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media , but many are now asking if the @ @ @ @ @ did anything wrong .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Cell phone footage of the incident has gone viral on social media, but many are now asking if the statue of Dr. King actually did anything wrong.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-09--Everyone Who Learned Of Our Dalliance With The Colonel This Year

Ah , innocent Emmannuelle , as pure as the virgin snow at Mont Ventoux !
Many an amorous encounter between @ @ @ @ @ has witnessed from her room above the courtyard .
Thankfully , she is but a @ @ @ @ @ the competence to communicate such tales to others , not least of all to the @ @ @ @ @ mother !
—who could put this all to a rude end forthwith .
At least @ @ @ @ @ Emmanuelle could ever breathe a word of it , could she ?

Ah, innocent Emmannuelle, as pure as the virgin snow at Mont Ventoux! Many an amorous encounter between myself and the colonel she has witnessed from her room above the courtyard. Thankfully, she is but a mute. She has not the competence to communicate such tales to others, not least of all to the dour Countess Montclair herself—her very mother!—who could put this all to a rude end forthwith. At least, I do not believe Emmanuelle could ever breathe a word of it, could she?


theonion--2020-06-09--Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam Will Not Have Guns In ‘Looney Tunes’ Reboot

Producers for HBO Max ’ s new Looney Tunes say the show will not include guns and that Elmer Fudd @ @ @ @ @ a scythe , though the series will still feature other forms of cartoon violence such @ @ @ @ @ products .
What do you think ?
“ Those p roducers better be ready to @ @ @ @ @ scythe-related violence this will ultimately inspire.
” “ That ’ s smart .
Statistically , @ @ @ @ @ up hurting themselves 100 % of the time.
” “ I ’ ll miss Elmer @ @ @ @ @ but I agree there are plenty of other funny ways to murder someone .
”

Producers for HBO Max’s new Looney Tunes say the show will not include guns and that Elmer Fudd will hunt Bugs Bunny with a scythe, though the series will still feature other forms of cartoon violence such as explosives and other Acme products. What do you think?
“Those p roducers better be ready to answer for the surge in scythe-related violence this will ultimately inspire.” Orville Perkel • Sock Darner
“That’s smart. Statistically, cartoon hunters with guns end up hurting themselves 100% of the time.” Andrew Morro • Evidence Planter
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theonion--2020-06-08--YouTube Star Jake Paul Charged With Trespassing

Social media influencer Jake Paul was charged with misdemeanor criminal trespass and unlawful assembly after video footage showed him present @ @ @ @ @ it was looted , though Paul says he did not take anything and was only @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Who amongst us can honestly say they would be able to resist @ @ @ @ @ s Fashion Square ?
” “ I ’ m grateful to Jake Paul for lending @ @ @ @ @ so in need of zany commentary .
”


theonion--2020-06-10--NASA Launches Vengeance Rover To Pay Back Mars For Killing Opportunity Back In 2018

Two years ago to the day , NASA ’ s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what @ @ @ @ @ unprovoked attack .
And now , NASA is seeking its revenge .
You can find @ @ @ @ @ , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Two years ago to the day, NASA’s Opportunity was swallowed up by the red planet in what has since been deemed an unprovoked attack. And now, NASA is seeking its revenge.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-10--Astronaut Becomes First Woman To Reach Deepest Point In Ocean

Former astronaut Kathy Sullivan , the first U.S. woman to walk in space , made history again this week by @ @ @ @ @ the deepest point in the Mariana Trench , becoming the first woman to visit the @ @ @ @ @ miles below the Pacific Ocean .
What do you think ?
“ Big whoop .
@ @ @ @ @ and they ’ ll eventually make it down there , too .
”

Former astronaut Kathy Sullivan, the first U.S. woman to walk in space, made history again this week by diving a submersible vehicle to the deepest point in the Mariana Trench, becoming the first woman to visit the area that sits nearly seven miles below the Pacific Ocean. What do you think?
“Where will she go next—all the way through?” Ken Poulin • Amphibious Vehicle Mechanic
“Makes sense. The ocean is essentially outer space but wetter.” Janae Stephens • Parakeet Counselor
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theonion--2020-06-10--U.K. Demonstrators Tear Down Statue Of Slave Trader

Protesters in Bristol toppled a statue of 17th-century slave trader Edward Colston on Sunday , rolling the statue through the @ @ @ @ @ the harbor .
What do you think ?
“ I ’ m embarrassed to ad @ @ @ @ @ idea the U.K. also had statues.
” “ Sorry , but I don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ do with achieving racial equality.
” “ So you ’ re telling me there ’ @ @ @ @ @ sitting there at the bottom of Bristol Harbor ?
”

Protesters in Bristol toppled a statue of 17th-century slave trader Edward Colston on Sunday, rolling the statue through the city before pushing it into the harbor. What do you think?
“I’m embarrassed to ad mit that I had no idea the U.K. also had statues.” Scott Hundley • Ghost Tour Guide
“Sorry, but I don’t see what slavery has to do with achieving racial equality.” Jillian Kubina • Tie Dye Expert
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theonion--2020-06-10--Woman On Sidewalk Can’t Even Summon Kernel Of Whimsy Required To Skip Along Hopscotch

SEATTLE—Unmoved by the colorful chalk pattern drawn on the sidewalk by neighborhood youth , local woman Abigail Keston could not @ @ @ @ @ the kernel of whimsy required to skip through the hopscotch grid she was walking past @ @ @ @ @ According to sources , despite the fanciful , welcoming images of flowers and smiley faces @ @ @ @ @ children ’ s game , the 32-year-old was not able to transcend the drudgery of @ @ @ @ @ moment in order to hop merrily upon the multihued rectangles on the pavement before her @ @ @ @ @ and stone-faced Keston simply plodded right over the playfully hand-drawn prompt to “ jump here @ @ @ @ @ have required minimal physical exertion to leap and bound her way through the 10 numbered @ @ @ @ @ steps upon the half circle labeled “ heaven.
” At press time , a bitter @ @ @ @ @ consumed Keston ’ s heart as she called in a noise complaint for the ice @ @ @ @ @ her neighborhood .

SEATTLE—Unmoved by the colorful chalk pattern drawn on the sidewalk by neighborhood youth, local woman Abigail Keston could not summon from anywhere inside herself the kernel of whimsy required to skip through the hopscotch grid she was walking past, reports confirmed Wednesday. According to sources, despite the fanciful, welcoming images of flowers and smiley faces adorning the perimeter of the children’s game, the 32-year-old was not able to transcend the drudgery of day-to-day life for even a moment in order to hop merrily upon the multihued rectangles on the pavement before her. Reports indicated a cold and stone-faced Keston simply plodded right over the playfully hand-drawn prompt to “jump here,” though it would have required minimal physical exertion to leap and bound her way through the 10 numbered spaces, ending her sprightly steps upon the half circle labeled “heaven.” At press time, a bitter encasing of frost had reportedly consumed Keston’s heart as she called in a noise complaint for the ice cream truck that was circling her neighborhood.


theonion--2020-06-10--Timeline Of Trump’s Response To The George Floyd Protests

In the two weeks since protests erupted across the nation following a Minneapolis police officer killing black man George Floyd , President Donald Trump has continued to stoke controversy with his responses .
The Onion recounts Trump ’ s decisions , actions , and statements throughout the protests .
October 1973 : Justice Department sues Trump for discriminating against African Americans , a technique known as “ foreshadowing.
” May 25 , 2020 : Trump ’ s Bible study group interrupted by news of George Floyd ’ s death .
May 27 : Congratulates police officer Derek Chauvin for actually @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to take out full-page newspaper ads calling for .
May 29 : Answers calls for justice with a resounding “ No.
” May 30 : Attempts to diffuse tensions by inviting George Floyd to White House .
June 1 : Police fire tear gas at White House protestors over miscommunication of who has space booked for 5:30 p.m. slot .
June 5 : Expresses deep regret that George Floyd will never have chance to be racially profiled at any of his businesses .
June 9 : Meets with police officers to assure them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in America have their backs .

In the two weeks since protests erupted across the nation following a Minneapolis police officer killing black man George Floyd, President Donald Trump has continued to stoke controversy with his responses. The Onion recounts Trump’s decisions, actions, and statements throughout the protests.
October 1973: Justice Department sues Trump for discriminating against African Americans, a technique known as “foreshadowing.”
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May 25, 2020: Trump’s Bible study group interrupted by news of George Floyd’s death.
May 26: Caps lock preemptively turned on.
May 27: Congratulates police officer Derek Chauvin for actually doing what he only ever had courage to take out full-page newspaper ads calling for.
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May 29: Answers calls for justice with a resounding “No.”
May 30: Attempts to diffuse tensions by inviting George Floyd to White House.
June 1: Police fire tear gas at White House protestors over miscommunication of who has space booked for 5:30 p.m. slot.
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June 5: Expresses deep regret that George Floyd will never have chance to be racially profiled at any of his businesses.
June 9: Meets with police officers to assure them that he and virtually every elected official in America have their backs.


theonion--2020-06-10--37-Year-Old Worried He Might Have Missed Boat On Becoming Child Prodigy

AUSTIN , TX—Disheartened that his dreams had yet to come to fruition , local 37-year-old Michael Campbell was reportedly worried Wednesday that he might have missed the boat on becoming a child prodigy .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong , I know 37 is still young , but sometimes I wonder if it ’ s too late to become a world-renowned chess wunderkind , ” said Campbell , struggling to conclude whether his early 30s had been his last shot or if he was merely a late bloomer who still had time to become a teenage lawyer or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by this age , I ’ d be a famous whiz kid like Srinivasa Ramanujan or John Stuart Mill , and it sucks because I think I ’ d make a really great prodigy , too .
I don ’ t know , maybe I ’ m being too hard on myself .
I still have 30 or 40 years left .
Plus , my gymnastics teacher said I ’ m making tremendous improvements.
” At press time , Campbell consoled himself that at least he was more talented than his 8-year-old son @

AUSTIN, TX—Disheartened that his dreams had yet to come to fruition, local 37-year-old Michael Campbell was reportedly worried Wednesday that he might have missed the boat on becoming a child prodigy. “Don’t get me wrong, I know 37 is still young, but sometimes I wonder if it’s too late to become a world-renowned chess wunderkind,” said Campbell, struggling to conclude whether his early 30s had been his last shot or if he was merely a late bloomer who still had time to become a teenage lawyer or physician. “I always thought that by this age, I’d be a famous whiz kid like Srinivasa Ramanujan or John Stuart Mill, and it sucks because I think I’d make a really great prodigy, too. I don’t know, maybe I’m being too hard on myself. I still have 30 or 40 years left. Plus, my gymnastics teacher said I’m making tremendous improvements.” At press time, Campbell consoled himself that at least he was more talented than his 8-year-old son.


theonion--2020-06-10--Biden Flattered His 1994 Crime Bill Suddenly Starting To Receive So Much Attention

WILMINGTON , DE—Saying that he was surprised but delighted that his decades-old work still had so much resonance with the present moment , presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden reportedly expressed Wednesday how flattered he was that his 1994 crime bill was suddenly starting to receive so much attention .
“ Of course , when I was writing the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act , I thought it was one of my better pieces of work , so it ’ s definitely gratifying to see so many people giving it their attention so many years later , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ president , adding that while the 1994 bill that led to increased police budgets and incarceration rates had previously been widely shared in smaller circles , he was impressed to see it discussed by an increasingly wider audience .
“ Sure , people discussed it when it came out , but the sad truth is that most legislation ends up in the dustbin of history , and people forget all the work the writers put into their bills .
I did think we had something special with this act , though , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that it really means something to so many people .
I don ’ t want to toot my own horn too much , but honestly , I think it ’ s recommended reading if you want to really understand what ’ s going on in America today.
” At press time , the Biden campaign announced that they would be capitalizing on the new attention his legislation was receiving by publishing it as an ebook on the campaign ’ s online store .

WILMINGTON, DE—Saying that he was surprised but delighted that his decades-old work still had so much resonance with the present moment, presumptive Democratic Party presidential nominee Joe Biden reportedly expressed Wednesday how flattered he was that his 1994 crime bill was suddenly starting to receive so much attention. “Of course, when I was writing the Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, I thought it was one of my better pieces of work, so it’s definitely gratifying to see so many people giving it their attention so many years later,” said the former senator and vice president, adding that while the 1994 bill that led to increased police budgets and incarceration rates had previously been widely shared in smaller circles, he was impressed to see it discussed by an increasingly wider audience. “Sure, people discussed it when it came out, but the sad truth is that most legislation ends up in the dustbin of history, and people forget all the work the writers put into their bills. I did think we had something special with this act, though, and it’s nice to see now that it really means something to so many people. I don’t want to toot my own horn too much, but honestly, I think it’s recommended reading if you want to really understand what’s going on in America today.” At press time, the Biden campaign announced that they would be capitalizing on the new attention his legislation was receiving by publishing it as an ebook on the campaign’s online store.


theonion--2020-06-10--‘Trump Is Finally Done, Trump Is Finally Done,’ Says Strait-Jacketed Opinion Columnist Babbling To C

‘Trump Is Finally Done, Trump Is Finally Done,’ Says Strait-Jacketed Opinion Columnist Babbling To Cup Of Applesauce

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly unhinged after reading that the president ’ s favorability numbers were plunging , strait-jacketed opinion columnist Gail Collins @ @ @ @ @ Trump is finally done ” while babbling to a cup of applesauce , sources confirmed @ @ @ @ @ are at last abandoning him , yes they are , yes they are , yes @ @ @ @ @ the deranged , heavily sweating op-ed writer as she rocked back and forth , laughing @ @ @ @ @ had “ proven his clear unfitness for office , don ’ t you think , @ @ @ @ @ snack-sized serving of Mott ’ s unsweetened applesauce .
“ The American people have finally @ @ @ @ @ ticky ticky ticky !
We all go down .
And a barrel of rum and @ @ @ @ @ the end for Trump ?
My column , below.
” At press time , orderlies @ @ @ @ @ Collins , who after she accidentally saw a poll showing Trump ’ s approval rating @ @ @ @ @ blood while repeatedly banging her head into a concrete wall .

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly unhinged after reading that the president’s favorability numbers were plunging, strait-jacketed opinion columnist Gail Collins repeated to herself that “Trump is finally done” while babbling to a cup of applesauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “The Republicans are at last abandoning him, yes they are, yes they are, yes they are,” said the deranged, heavily sweating op-ed writer as she rocked back and forth, laughing maniacally while noting that Trump had “proven his clear unfitness for office, don’t you think, Richard?” to a snack-sized serving of Mott’s unsweetened applesauce. “The American people have finally seen through his charade ticky ticky ticky ticky! We all go down. And a barrel of rum and a yo-ho-ho! Is this the end for Trump? My column, below.” At press time, orderlies had been forced to tranquilize Collins, who after she accidentally saw a poll showing Trump’s approval rating edging back up, drew blood while repeatedly banging her head into a concrete wall.


theonion--2020-06-10--‘Banjo-Kazooie’ Fans Will Love This: This Man Threw His Bird On The Ground

Ever since the 1998 debut of the original Banjo-Kazooie for the Nintendo 64 , the Rare platformer has been regarded as one of the greatest games of all time .
And while there hasn ’ t been a new game featuring the beloved characters in 12 years , Banjo-Kazooie fans are in luck , because we ’ ve found just the thing—this man threw his bird on the ground !
That ’ s right !
If you whiled away hours playing as the iconic jigsaw-collecting duo in the ’ 90s , you ’ re definitely going to want to check @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , 34 , who grabbed his pet parakeet Barney and tossed him right onto the floor .
Feeling flooded with nostalgia right now ?
We bet .
But things just get even more incredible from there , because the local temp employee and potential Banjo-Kazooie superfan went on to step on his bird !
Not only that , but neighbors also told OGN that Lance has placed the bird in his backpack on several occasions .
Talk about commitment !
The only thing that could have made this any more perfect is if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and was a lot more hairy , but when it comes to awesome Banjo-Kazooie content like this , we ’ ll take what we can get !
Frankly , who knows how long it ’ s going to be until the next Banjo-Kazooie game .
Until then , here ’ s hoping Lance helps tide us over by throwing Barney on the ground again and again !

Ever since the 1998 debut of the original Banjo-Kazooie for the Nintendo 64, the Rare platformer has been regarded as one of the greatest games of all time. And while there hasn’t been a new game featuring the beloved characters in 12 years, Banjo-Kazooie fans are in luck, because we’ve found just the thing—this man threw his bird on the ground!
That’s right! If you whiled away hours playing as the iconic jigsaw-collecting duo in the ’90s, you’re definitely going to want to check out Portland, OR resident Lance Markon, 34, who grabbed his pet parakeet Barney and tossed him right onto the floor.
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Feeling flooded with nostalgia right now? We bet. But things just get even more incredible from there, because the local temp employee and potential Banjo-Kazooie superfan went on to step on his bird! Not only that, but neighbors also told OGN that Lance has placed the bird in his backpack on several occasions. Talk about commitment!
The only thing that could have made this any more perfect is if Lance wasn’t wearing a shirt and was a lot more hairy, but when it comes to awesome Banjo-Kazooie content like this, we’ll take what we can get! Frankly, who knows how long it’s going to be until the next Banjo-Kazooie game. Until then, here’s hoping Lance helps tide us over by throwing Barney on the ground again and again!


theonion--2020-06-10--Adopt-A-Slide: These 10 Slides Still Need A Slideshow Home

This “ Signs You ’ re Obsessed With Lost ” slide is 9 years old , but still has so @ @ @ @ @ a few minutes on your screen and you ’ ll fall in love just like @ @ @ @ @ This slide will be deleted if it is not adopted by October 21*

This “Signs You’re Obsessed With Lost” slide is 9 years old, but still has so much to offer! Just a few minutes on your screen and you’ll fall in love just like we did. *Note: This slide will be deleted if it is not adopted by October 21*


theonion--2020-06-10--Second Meal After Grocery Trip A Severe Drop-Off From First Meal After Grocery Trip

BOSTON—Scrounging together any fresh ingredients he could find , local man Marcus Barrow confirmed Wednesday that the second meal after his grocery trip was a severe dropoff from his first meal after the trip .
“ I had this whole week of meals planned out , but yesterday was a whole thing and I just don ’ t have the energy to figure this out , ” said Barrow , who had planned to make a roast chicken before realizing he had already run out of fresh herbs and forgotten to buy olive oil on the previous day ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ na roast carrots with this , but I ate them raw for lunch after getting overwhelmed trying to make the sauce for a croque monsieur .
The strawberries are already bad , I ate the fresh bread , and I don ’ t know where I put the tomatoes , so I guess I ’ ll just throw some peanut butter on some rice cakes and call it dinner .
I mean , I already made sausage-and-bean soup last night , I ’ m not a machine.
” At press time , Barrow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he did not make over cereal in place of the milk he had already finished .

BOSTON—Scrounging together any fresh ingredients he could find, local man Marcus Barrow confirmed Wednesday that the second meal after his grocery trip was a severe dropoff from his first meal after the trip. “I had this whole week of meals planned out, but yesterday was a whole thing and I just don’t have the energy to figure this out,” said Barrow, who had planned to make a roast chicken before realizing he had already run out of fresh herbs and forgotten to buy olive oil on the previous day’s shopping trip. “I was gonna roast carrots with this, but I ate them raw for lunch after getting overwhelmed trying to make the sauce for a croque monsieur. The strawberries are already bad, I ate the fresh bread, and I don’t know where I put the tomatoes, so I guess I’ll just throw some peanut butter on some rice cakes and call it dinner. I mean, I already made sausage-and-bean soup last night, I’m not a machine.” At press time, Barrow was pouring coffee creamer intended for coffee he did not make over cereal in place of the milk he had already finished.


theonion--2020-06-10--WHO Walks Back Claim That Covid-19 Can Only Be Transmitted Through Locking Eyes With One True Love

GENEVA—Acknowledging the comment had been based on results from only two or three studies , the World Health Organization walked back an earlier claim Wednesday that Covid-19 could only be transmitted among humans via one person locking eyes with another who is their one true love .
“ Preliminary data indicated the virus could only be spread from person to person when two eternal soul mates were gazing into each other ’ s eyes beneath the light of the moon , ” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom , explaining that new evidence suggests doing a quick double-take at someone out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ risk of transmission as a moment shared by two great lovers destined for lifelong romance .
“ We are now seeing young and otherwise healthy individuals showing symptoms after simply entertaining the thought that a passing stranger they made eye contact with had a nice face , for instance , indicating that even discreetly checking out another person may increase the likelihood of contracting coronavirus , regardless of whether that person is one ’ s missing half in this world .
As a result , we are now recommending that in any public @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people , a blindfold be worn at all times.
” Adhanom went on to clarify that making out was still a safe activity to participate in so long as the parties involved kept their eyes closed throughout .

GENEVA—Acknowledging the comment had been based on results from only two or three studies, the World Health Organization walked back an earlier claim Wednesday that Covid-19 could only be transmitted among humans via one person locking eyes with another who is their one true love. “Preliminary data indicated the virus could only be spread from person to person when two eternal soul mates were gazing into each other’s eyes beneath the light of the moon,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom, explaining that new evidence suggests doing a quick double-take at someone out of mere animal attraction carries the same risk of transmission as a moment shared by two great lovers destined for lifelong romance. “We are now seeing young and otherwise healthy individuals showing symptoms after simply entertaining the thought that a passing stranger they made eye contact with had a nice face, for instance, indicating that even discreetly checking out another person may increase the likelihood of contracting coronavirus, regardless of whether that person is one’s missing half in this world. As a result, we are now recommending that in any public space where one could conceivably encounter attractive people, a blindfold be worn at all times.” Adhanom went on to clarify that making out was still a safe activity to participate in so long as the parties involved kept their eyes closed throughout.


theonion--2020-06-10--Woman Begins Defeated Slog Back Upstairs To Apartment To Retrieve Forgotten Mask

AUSTIN , TX—Releasing a deep sigh as she turned around and reentered the building , local woman Rebecca Dwyer reportedly @ @ @ @ @ upstairs to her apartment Wednesday to retrieve a forgotten facemask .
“ I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ , ugh , I should go get it , ” said Dwyer , who wearily @ @ @ @ @ flights of steps after debating for several seconds about how big of a threat coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ face coverings were , in fact , still necessary .
“ Wait , maybe I @ @ @ @ @ with my shirt when people pass ?
No , that won ’ t work .
@ @ @ @ @ always something.
” At press time , Dwyer realized she had forgotten her bottle of @ @ @ @ @ bottom of the stairs for a second time .

AUSTIN, TX—Releasing a deep sigh as she turned around and reentered the building, local woman Rebecca Dwyer reportedly began a defeated slog back upstairs to her apartment Wednesday to retrieve a forgotten facemask. “I’m probably fine without—wait, no, ugh, I should go get it,” said Dwyer, who wearily trudged back up the three flights of steps after debating for several seconds about how big of a threat coronavirus actually was before conceding that face coverings were, in fact, still necessary. “Wait, maybe I could just cover my mouth with my shirt when people pass? No, that won’t work. Fuck, it’s always something.” At press time, Dwyer realized she had forgotten her bottle of hand sanitizer upon reaching the bottom of the stairs for a second time.


theonion--2020-06-10--TV Critic Struggling To Explain Appeal Of Watching Television To Average American

NEW YORK—Having difficulty making the case for the cutting-edge artistic medium in one of her columns , local TV critic @ @ @ @ @ Tuesday to explain the appeal of watching television to the average American .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ a daunting and sometimes impenetrable art form , but if people were more open minded @ @ @ @ @ captivating , ” said Andino , adding that grasping concepts such as “ seasons ” @ @ @ @ @ often be a major barrier to entry for the layman in fully appreciating the highbrow @ @ @ @ @ A lot of people don ’ t seem to understand that you ’ re supposed @ @ @ @ @ order and follow the characters through each one , sort of like a bunch of @ @ @ @ @ Unfortunately , it could be years before TV becomes a mainstream form of cultural entertainment.
@ @ @ @ @ Andino figured it was best to start her readers on sitcoms before introducing them to @ @ @ @ @ , such as documentary miniseries .

NEW YORK—Having difficulty making the case for the cutting-edge artistic medium in one of her columns, local TV critic Melissa Andino was reportedly struggling Tuesday to explain the appeal of watching television to the average American. “I know television can seem like a daunting and sometimes impenetrable art form, but if people were more open minded, they might find it captivating,” said Andino, adding that grasping concepts such as “seasons” and “episodes” can often be a major barrier to entry for the layman in fully appreciating the highbrow form of storytelling. “A lot of people don’t seem to understand that you’re supposed to watch multiple episodes in order and follow the characters through each one, sort of like a bunch of short, connected movies. Unfortunately, it could be years before TV becomes a mainstream form of cultural entertainment.” At press time, Andino figured it was best to start her readers on sitcoms before introducing them to more complex forms of television, such as documentary miniseries.


theonion--2020-06-11--TV Show ‘Cops’ Cancelled

TV Show ‘Cops’ Cancelled

Paramount Network announced the cancellation of the police reality show Cops this week , a series that has been accused @ @ @ @ @ selective editing since it first aired in 1989 .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ am I going to find a TV show about the police ?
” “ Thankfully @ @ @ @ @ of police brutality online these days.
” “ Watching TV while waiting to get your @ @ @ @ @ the same .
”

Paramount Network announced the cancellation of the police reality show Cops this week, a series that has been accused of perpetuating racism for its selective editing since it first aired in 1989. What do you think?
“Oh man, now where am I going to find a TV show about the police?” Jay Sylvain, Systems Analyst
“Thankfully there are plenty of videos of police brutality online these days.” Janette Baston, Rodent Decapitator
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theonion--2020-06-11--Anna Kendrick’s ‘Love Life’ Pulled From HBO Max Until It Can Return With Historical Context

LOS ANGELES—Calling the show “ Important , yet problematic ” in its portrayal of modern dating in New York City , HBO Max officials announced Thursday that they had pulled Anna Kendrick ’ s Love Life from their library until it can return with the proper historical context .
“ While we understand why certain people are unhappy with the decision , we feel it is important to provide viewers with pertinent information that will help contextualize Darby ’ s struggles with intimacy , sex , and relationships in 2019 Queens , ” said HBO spokesperson Kaavya Gupta , adding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s 10 episodes would return with important discussions regarding era-specific terms like “ fuck buddy , ” “ sext , ” and “ total derp.
” “ Frankly , to allow young viewers to watch Love Life without explaining how white feminism shaped our protagonist and her world as a whole would pretend the problems with this show never existed in the first place .
Perhaps , when it returns , families will be able to watch this series with their children and teach them about how fraught dating as a millennial in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , Gupta told reporters that HBO Max had also denounced problematic depictions in the streaming service ’ s other shows such as Friends and The Big Bang Theory .

LOS ANGELES—Calling the show “Important, yet problematic” in its portrayal of modern dating in New York City, HBO Max officials announced Thursday that they had pulled Anna Kendrick’s Love Life from their library until it can return with the proper historical context. “While we understand why certain people are unhappy with the decision, we feel it is important to provide viewers with pertinent information that will help contextualize Darby’s struggles with intimacy, sex, and relationships in 2019 Queens,” said HBO spokesperson Kaavya Gupta, adding that each of the romantic comedy’s 10 episodes would return with important discussions regarding era-specific terms like “fuck buddy,” “sext,” and “total derp.” “Frankly, to allow young viewers to watch Love Life without explaining how white feminism shaped our protagonist and her world as a whole would pretend the problems with this show never existed in the first place. Perhaps, when it returns, families will be able to watch this series with their children and teach them about how fraught dating as a millennial in the digital age really was.” At press time, Gupta told reporters that HBO Max had also denounced problematic depictions in the streaming service’s other shows such as Friends and The Big Bang Theory.


theonion--2020-06-11--South Secedes From NASCAR Following Confederate Flag Ban

MONTGOMERY , AL—Declaring that they refused to be part of any institution that would endeavor to compromise their way of life , the South reportedly announced Thursday that they had seceded from NASCAR following the auto-racing company ’ s Confederate flag ban .
“ We hereby repudiate the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing for its shameful treatment of the Southern way of life and proclaim that all ties between us are formally dissolved , with great prejudice , ” read a statement written by a group of elected officials from Alabama , Florida , Georgia , Louisiana , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , which also declared the formation of a new auto-racing organization devoted to the Southern cause , the Confederate Association for Stock Car Auto Racing , or CASCAR .
“ For too long , NASCAR has tried to rule our way of life without understanding it , and so we must throw off the tyrannical yoke of their automotive oppression .
There comes a time when an auto-racing organization must become divided—when its races cease to represent all those states to whom it is supposed to provide entertainment .
Our new CASCAR tracks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the Union flag , as well as the disgraceful black-and-white starting flag and yellow caution flag used by our Northern aggressors , and we will race according to our own laws.
” At press time , CASCAR challenged any NASCAR drivers brave enough to race in its upcoming Cracker Barrel Civil 500 .

MONTGOMERY, AL—Declaring that they refused to be part of any institution that would endeavor to compromise their way of life, the South reportedly announced Thursday that they had seceded from NASCAR following the auto-racing company’s Confederate flag ban. “We hereby repudiate the National Association for Stock Car Auto Racing for its shameful treatment of the Southern way of life and proclaim that all ties between us are formally dissolved, with great prejudice,” read a statement written by a group of elected officials from Alabama, Florida, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Texas, which also declared the formation of a new auto-racing organization devoted to the Southern cause, the Confederate Association for Stock Car Auto Racing, or CASCAR. “For too long, NASCAR has tried to rule our way of life without understanding it, and so we must throw off the tyrannical yoke of their automotive oppression. There comes a time when an auto-racing organization must become divided—when its races cease to represent all those states to whom it is supposed to provide entertainment. Our new CASCAR tracks will proudly fly the Confederate flag instead of the Union flag, as well as the disgraceful black-and-white starting flag and yellow caution flag used by our Northern aggressors, and we will race according to our own laws.” At press time, CASCAR challenged any NASCAR drivers brave enough to race in its upcoming Cracker Barrel Civil 500.


theonion--2020-06-11--No Way In Hell Man Going To Start Examining Relationship With Food Right Now

ARIZONA CITY , AZ—Referring to the great many problems currently afflicting the world , area man Dustin Banks told reporters Thursday there was simply no way in hell he would be examining his relationship with food anytime soon .
“ If you think I ’ m going to try ‘ eating mindfully ’ or ‘ listening to my gut ’ or anything else like that right now , you are out of your goddamn mind , ” Banks said as he shoved a third handful of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos into his mouth , explaining how he was not about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ healthy meals or maintaining proper serving sizes amidst a deadly global pandemic and widespread social upheaval .
“ I do not have anything close to the headspace needed to put together some overnight oats with fruit or whatever the fuck would actually be good for me .
I wake up , I shove some food in my mouth—be it frozen fish sticks , pizza rolls , or an ice cream sandwich—and I try to get through the day .
Okay ?
There will be no increased consciousness brought to bear on my diet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , Banks added that all the extra time he had been spending on the toilet was a sacrifice he was willing to make not to have to think about his food choices .

ARIZONA CITY, AZ—Referring to the great many problems currently afflicting the world, area man Dustin Banks told reporters Thursday there was simply no way in hell he would be examining his relationship with food anytime soon. “If you think I’m going to try ‘eating mindfully’ or ‘listening to my gut’ or anything else like that right now, you are out of your goddamn mind,” Banks said as he shoved a third handful of Spicy Sweet Chili Doritos into his mouth, explaining how he was not about to start giving a shit about prepping healthy meals or maintaining proper serving sizes amidst a deadly global pandemic and widespread social upheaval. “I do not have anything close to the headspace needed to put together some overnight oats with fruit or whatever the fuck would actually be good for me. I wake up, I shove some food in my mouth—be it frozen fish sticks, pizza rolls, or an ice cream sandwich—and I try to get through the day. Okay? There will be no increased consciousness brought to bear on my diet. That ship has sailed.” At press time, Banks added that all the extra time he had been spending on the toilet was a sacrifice he was willing to make not to have to think about his food choices.


theonion--2020-06-11--White Ally Willing To Do Whatever It Takes To Make Sure People Won’t Be Mad At Him

CHICAGO—Vowing to learn from the Black Lives Matter movement and finally take a stand on the racial issues that have bothered him for years , white ally Will Novak announced Thursday that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure people would not get mad at him .
“ I know racism is a problem in this country , so I have to stop standing on the sidelines and be an active participant in ensuring people don ’ t yell at me or think I ’ m a bad person , ” said Novak , who pledged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ walk in any march if it would ensure all the black , Hispanic , Asian , and LQBTQ people in his life think highly of him and will not judge him in any way .
“ It pains me to think there are these people suffering racial oppression out there who might say something challenging or unflattering to my face .
I ’ ll fight with every ounce of my being to avoid that .
Just give me a list of people to vote for , I won ’ t ask any questions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t yell at me.
” Novak added that he would be willing to put his life on the line if just one person from a marginalized group uttered , “ You ’ re one of the good ones , ” to him .

CHICAGO—Vowing to learn from the Black Lives Matter movement and finally take a stand on the racial issues that have bothered him for years, white ally Will Novak announced Thursday that he was willing to do whatever it takes to make sure people would not get mad at him. “I know racism is a problem in this country, so I have to stop standing on the sidelines and be an active participant in ensuring people don’t yell at me or think I’m a bad person,” said Novak, who pledged to donate money to any organization and walk in any march if it would ensure all the black, Hispanic, Asian, and LQBTQ people in his life think highly of him and will not judge him in any way. “It pains me to think there are these people suffering racial oppression out there who might say something challenging or unflattering to my face. I’ll fight with every ounce of my being to avoid that. Just give me a list of people to vote for, I won’t ask any questions, just please, please don’t yell at me.” Novak added that he would be willing to put his life on the line if just one person from a marginalized group uttered, “You’re one of the good ones,” to him.


theonion--2020-06-11--Treasure Chest Buried In Rocky Mountains Discovered

Following 10 years of searching by nearly 350,000 treasure hunters , a $ 1 million cache of gold and precious @ @ @ @ @ Forrest Fenn has been discovered in the Rocky Mountains .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ it first if I hadn ’ t been eaten by that stupid bear.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ can it be to find a giant red X on the ground ?
” “ @ @ @ @ @ whoever found it , but personally , I find nature to be its own treasure @ @

Following 10 years of searching by nearly 350,000 treasure hunters, a $1 million cache of gold and precious gemstones buried by art dealer Forrest Fenn has been discovered in the Rocky Mountains. What do you think?
“I would have found it first if I hadn’t been eaten by that stupid bear.” Abe Acker • Ghost
“I mean, how hard can it be to find a giant red X on the ground?” Cora Raymonde • Sock Fashionista
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theonion--2020-06-11--New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A

New Guidelines Allow Gyms To Reopen For Weak Little Bitches Who Just Diddle Around And Don’t Break A Real Sweat Anyway

More states are beginning to reopen , but not without some precautions .
Hear how the latest phase will aim @ @ @ @ @ by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

More states are beginning to reopen, but not without some precautions. Hear how the latest phase will aim to reduce overcrowding in gyms by only admitting members who pose no threat of physically exerting themselves at all.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-12--Lady Antebellum Changes Name

Lady Antebellum Changes Name

The pop-country band announced via Twitter Thursday that they want to ensure their music is inclusive and regret using a @ @ @ @ @ War and slavery , adding that they will go by Lady A going forward .
@ @ @ @ @ “ Reforma tion is nice , but for real change to occur , we need @ @ @ @ @ entirely.
” “ Okay , but did they express any regret for making their music @ @ @ @ @ ?
” “ I hope cancel culture never comes for my cover band , Lady @ @ @ @

The pop-country band announced via Twitter Thursday that they want to ensure their music is inclusive and regret using a name associated with the Civil War and slavery, adding that they will go by Lady A going forward. What do you think?
“Reforma tion is nice, but for real change to occur, we need to abolish the pop-country genre entirely.” Elain Barrett, Soda Jerk
“Okay, but did they express any regret for making their music sound the way it does?” Tristan Baker, Feather Plucker
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theonion--2020-06-12--Brutal: Playstation Has Cancelled The Entire PS5 Game Lineup After @NicoBoy95 Commented ‘No One Care

Brutal: Playstation Has Cancelled The Entire PS5 Game Lineup After @NicoBoy95 Commented ‘No One Cares’ On Their Livestream

Well , Playstation fans , it looks like we ’ re all facing a harsh new reality .
After yesterday ’ s ultra-hyped Playstation 5 press event , Sony reviewed player feedback and just announced they will be canceling their entire lineup of next-generation games in response to @ NicoBoy95 ’ s devastating comment that “ No one cares ” on their livestream .
Oof .
Looks like it ’ s back to the drawing board for every single game on the gaming giant ’ s upcoming console .
“ We saw NicoBoy95 ’ s harsh , but ultimately correct @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the only wise course of action was to scrap everything we were planning and start from scratch , ” said Sony Interactive president Jim Ryan , who told OGN that even third-party games like NBA 2K21 have been permanently shelved until the company can figure out a way forward that is acceptable to NicoBoy95 .
“ Seeing this comment appear in the chat box on YouTube during the stream was a real wake-up call .
To hear that nobody cares about these games is heartbreaking , especially after how hard we worked on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feedback we need to act on , not ignore , ” he added .
This may be tough news for people who were actually pumped to play Horizon : Forbidden West , Deathloop , or the new Ratchet & Clank , but gamers do not say things like “ No one cares ” unless they believe deeply that these are the truths game makers desperately need to know .
“ Frankly , I was up all night just thinking about what we could have done wrong to garner this sort of reaction , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was a tough pill to swallow knowing that millions of hours of work from thousands of artists , programmers , and engineers would have to be thrown away .
“ Still , as painful as it ’ s been for us to delete hundreds of teraflops of games from our servers—games that we thought were pretty good—it ’ s up to us to satisfy all of our fans .
And so I thank NicoBoy95 for his honesty.
” “ Hopefully we can rectify this dismal failure and have a stronger lineup for release @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sounds tough but fair to us , gamers .
We here at OGN applaud Playstation ’ s willingness to look in the mirror and be honest when they have failed .
If only Microsoft would follow their lead and cancel the Xbox Series One entirely .

Well, Playstation fans, it looks like we’re all facing a harsh new reality. After yesterday’s ultra-hyped Playstation 5 press event, Sony reviewed player feedback and just announced they will be canceling their entire lineup of next-generation games in response to @NicoBoy95’s devastating comment that “No one cares” on their livestream.
Oof. Looks like it’s back to the drawing board for every single game on the gaming giant’s upcoming console.
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“We saw NicoBoy95’s harsh, but ultimately correct, takedown of our presentation and decided the only wise course of action was to scrap everything we were planning and start from scratch,” said Sony Interactive president Jim Ryan, who told OGN that even third-party games like NBA 2K21 have been permanently shelved until the company can figure out a way forward that is acceptable to NicoBoy95. “Seeing this comment appear in the chat box on YouTube during the stream was a real wake-up call. To hear that nobody cares about these games is heartbreaking, especially after how hard we worked on them.”
“But it’s feedback we need to act on, not ignore,” he added.
This may be tough news for people who were actually pumped to play Horizon: Forbidden West, Deathloop, or the new Ratchet & Clank, but gamers do not say things like “No one cares” unless they believe deeply that these are the truths game makers desperately need to know.
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“Frankly, I was up all night just thinking about what we could have done wrong to garner this sort of reaction,” Ryan continued, noting that it was a tough pill to swallow knowing that millions of hours of work from thousands of artists, programmers, and engineers would have to be thrown away. “Still, as painful as it’s been for us to delete hundreds of teraflops of games from our servers—games that we thought were pretty good—it’s up to us to satisfy all of our fans. And so I thank NicoBoy95 for his honesty.”
“Hopefully we can rectify this dismal failure and have a stronger lineup for release by 2025,” he continued.
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Sounds tough but fair to us, gamers. We here at OGN applaud Playstation’s willingness to look in the mirror and be honest when they have failed. If only Microsoft would follow their lead and cancel the Xbox Series One entirely.


theonion--2020-06-12--Sorry Gamers: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again Because Naughty Dog’s Headquarters Fel

Sorry Gamers: ‘The Last Of Us Part II’ Has Been Delayed Again Because Naughty Dog’s Headquarters Fell Into The Ocean

Ever since its announcement way back in December 2016 , The Last of Us Part II has been beset by an avalanche of crises .
Leaks , pandemics , and other development challenges have continually pushed back what could possibly be the greatest game of this generation .
But when Sony confirmed June 19th as the official release date , we told ourselves the hour to rejoin Joel and Ellie in their post-apocalyptic adventure was finally here .
Sadly , due to events that transpired hours ago , this was not to be .
Sorry , gamers .
The Last @ @ @ @ @ @ @ again after Naughty Dog ’ s headquarters fell into the Pacific Ocean early Friday morning .
“ There hasn ’ t been a single day in development that I wasn ’ t thinking about getting Part II into the hands of fans—but , unfortunately , they ’ re going to have to wait a little bit longer after our offices fell into the Pacific Ocean , ” said co-director Neil Druckmann in a lengthy apology penned from the fifth floor of the company ’ s flooded building , which confirmed the company was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I understand how excited gamers were to see where we took the series .
But don ’ t worry : We ’ re going to spend every last minute of that time drying out all the hard drives and salvaging any of the concept art that isn ’ t co mpletely waterlogged.
” “ In retrospect , the main mistake was building our headquarters way at the end of a rickety pier , ” he continued .
According to company insiders , Naughty Dog ’ s HQ collapsed into the water @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wave destroyed the fragile bamboo support beams that had been holding up the steel and concrete-based building since its construction early this year .
Although employees rushed to contain the damage by bailing out the seawater rapidly rushing through the backup server farm and sending hundreds of desktops into open waters , sources confirmed that in the first minutes of flooding nearly two-thirds of the finished game ’ s assets were destroyed .
“ Thinking back on things , I guess I could have made some copies of the game ’ s script @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while he remembered some of the narrative turns in the 1,500-plus pages that had been lost , he would likely have to rewrite many scenes and could not imagine they would turn out as well as the originals .
“ But obviously hindsight is twenty-twenty .
I don ’ t want to point fingers here .
I just don ’ t know what to do here because this is five years of my life out of the window .
Maybe we can get a few sump pumps or something ?
” “ Also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a tragedy for his family is going to make recasting Joel a complete nightmare , ” he added .
Well , there you have it , gamers !
It might be another setback for what ’ s sure to be an incredible title , but we ’ re sure all that waiting will be worth it once Naughty Dog finishes lifting the headquarters back onto a few new bamboo support beams and puts the finishing touches on The Last of Us Part II !

Ever since its announcement way back in December 2016, The Last of Us Part II has been beset by an avalanche of crises. Leaks, pandemics, and other development challenges have continually pushed back what could possibly be the greatest game of this generation. But when Sony confirmed June 19th as the official release date, we told ourselves the hour to rejoin Joel and Ellie in their post-apocalyptic adventure was finally here. Sadly, due to events that transpired hours ago, this was not to be.
Sorry, gamers. The Last of Us Part II was just delayed again after Naughty Dog’s headquarters fell into the Pacific Ocean early Friday morning.
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“There hasn’t been a single day in development that I wasn’t thinking about getting Part II into the hands of fans—but, unfortunately, they’re going to have to wait a little bit longer after our offices fell into the Pacific Ocean,” said co-director Neil Druckmann in a lengthy apology penned from the fifth floor of the company’s flooded building, which confirmed the company was now targeting a Q4 2022 release date. “I understand how excited gamers were to see where we took the series. But don’t worry: We’re going to spend every last minute of that time drying out all the hard drives and salvaging any of the concept art that isn’t co mpletely waterlogged.”
“In retrospect, the main mistake was building our headquarters way at the end of a rickety pier,” he continued.
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According to company insiders, Naughty Dog’s HQ collapsed into the water at 5:34 a.m. after a particularly large wave destroyed the fragile bamboo support beams that had been holding up the steel and concrete-based building since its construction early this year. Although employees rushed to contain the damage by bailing out the seawater rapidly rushing through the backup server farm and sending hundreds of desktops into open waters, sources confirmed that in the first minutes of flooding nearly two-thirds of the finished game’s assets were destroyed.
“Thinking back on things, I guess I could have made some copies of the game’s script,” Druckmann said, stressing that while he remembered some of the narrative turns in the 1,500-plus pages that had been lost, he would likely have to rewrite many scenes and could not imagine they would turn out as well as the originals. “But obviously hindsight is twenty-twenty. I don’t want to point fingers here. I just don’t know what to do here because this is five years of my life out of the window. Maybe we can get a few sump pumps or something?”
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“Also Troy Baker drowned, which beyond being a tragedy for his family is going to make recasting Joel a complete nightmare,” he added.
Well, there you have it, gamers! It might be another setback for what’s sure to be an incredible title, but we’re sure all that waiting will be worth it once Naughty Dog finishes lifting the headquarters back onto a few new bamboo support beams and puts the finishing touches on The Last of Us Part II!


theonion--2020-06-12--Pros And Cons Of Removing Historical Statues

The removal in recent years of several monuments depicting Confederate leaders and other controversial historical figures by both politicians and @ @ @ @ @ over whether their removal is justified .
The Onion looks at the pros and cons @ @ @ @ @ Could improve morale for those who are against symbols of hate Will ultimately lead to @ @ @ @ @ Have to go and do a thing May lead to citizens forgetting their country ’ @ @ @ @ @ of the fun of defacing them The arts already hurting as it is Creates impression @ @ @ @ @ values of the Confederacy

The removal in recent years of several monuments depicting Confederate leaders and other controversial historical figures by both politicians and unsanctioned activists have generated debate over whether their removal is justified. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of removing historical statues.
PRO
Could improve morale for those who are against symbols of hate
Slam-dunk Pulitzer for photojournalists
Nothing like a good statue tippin’
Will ultimately lead to fewer fucking plaques to read
Eliminates proof that we haven’t solved racism
CON
Have to go and do a thing
May lead to citizens forgetting their country’s revised history
Deprives others of the fun of defacing them
The arts already hurting as it is
Creates impression that nation does not uphold values of the Confederacy


theonion--2020-06-12--Quaker Oats Replaces Historically Racist Aunt Jemima Mascot With Black Female Lawyer Who Enjoys Panc

Quaker Oats Replaces Historically Racist Aunt Jemima Mascot With Black Female Lawyer Who Enjoys Pancakes Sometimes

CHICAGO—In response to nationwide protests regarding police brutality and racial discrimination , food conglomerate Quaker Oats announced Friday that after 130 years , it would replace its historically racist Aunt Jemima mascot with a black female lawyer who enjoys pancakes from time to time .
“ The time has come to replace Jemima , a problematic and stereotypical character that originated in minstrel shows , with Sheila , the public defender of cultivated tastes who eats pancakes on occasion , in addition to a variety of other foods , ” said Quaker spokesperson Aaron Parshley , who explained that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pancake mixes would now bear a logo depicting an African American woman who wears a suit , carries a briefcase , and isn ’ t an aunt per se , though she is godmother to the child of a dear friend she met as an undergraduate at Dartmouth College .
“ Our new mascot is based on several real-life black women who are lawyers and eat pancakes some mornings when they aren ’ t too busy litigating on behalf of the disadvantaged .
While Sheila does enjoy our extended line of breakfast foods @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of her rich and complex identity as a human being : Sheila also speaks fluent Italian , likes U2 , is bisexual , and enjoys cross-country skiing .
Let us make it clear that Sheila never serves the pancakes herself , but now and then goes to a diner near the courthouse where waitresses and waiters of a variety of races serve them to her.
” At press time , Mars Inc. announced it would follow suit by replacing the mascot of its Uncle Ben ’ s brand with a black engineering graduate @ @

CHICAGO—In response to nationwide protests regarding police brutality and racial discrimination, food conglomerate Quaker Oats announced Friday that after 130 years, it would replace its historically racist Aunt Jemima mascot with a black female lawyer who enjoys pancakes from time to time. “The time has come to replace Jemima, a problematic and stereotypical character that originated in minstrel shows, with Sheila, the public defender of cultivated tastes who eats pancakes on occasion, in addition to a variety of other foods,” said Quaker spokesperson Aaron Parshley, who explained that the former Aunt Jemima brand of syrups and pancake mixes would now bear a logo depicting an African American woman who wears a suit, carries a briefcase, and isn’t an aunt per se, though she is godmother to the child of a dear friend she met as an undergraduate at Dartmouth College. “Our new mascot is based on several real-life black women who are lawyers and eat pancakes some mornings when they aren’t too busy litigating on behalf of the disadvantaged. While Sheila does enjoy our extended line of breakfast foods, that is only one small facet of her rich and complex identity as a human being: Sheila also speaks fluent Italian, likes U2, is bisexual, and enjoys cross-country skiing. Let us make it clear that Sheila never serves the pancakes herself, but now and then goes to a diner near the courthouse where waitresses and waiters of a variety of races serve them to her.” At press time, Mars Inc. announced it would follow suit by replacing the mascot of its Uncle Ben’s brand with a black engineering graduate student.


theonion--2020-06-12--Red Sox Ask Fans To Switch From Racial To Homophobic Slurs When Taunting Opposing Players

BOSTON—Pledging to do better when it comes to respecting diversity in the MLB , Red Sox owner John William Henry @ @ @ @ @ from their normal racial slurs to homophobic ones when taunting opposing players .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ so we ask that from here on out our fans only use terms that insult @ @ @ @ @ said Henry , who noted that whether it was threatening players with violence or shouting @ @ @ @ @ , anything other than homophobia brought shame to the Red Sox organization .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ and fans alike about racial slurs screamed at our games , and that specific kind @ @ @ @ @ We don ’ t want to limit the passion of our fans and their ability @ @ @ @ @ there are plenty of horrible things about homosexuals you can shout instead.
” Henry added @ @ @ @ @ difficult , and that once fans return to games , there would be an eight-decade @ @ @ @ @ racist remarks were removed from the stands .

BOSTON—Pledging to do better when it comes to respecting diversity in the MLB, Red Sox owner John William Henry asked fans Friday to switch from their normal racial slurs to homophobic ones when taunting opposing players. “We want to be inclusive, so we ask that from here on out our fans only use terms that insult the LGBTQ community,” said Henry, who noted that whether it was threatening players with violence or shouting at them on the street, anything other than homophobia brought shame to the Red Sox organization. “We’ve heard from players and fans alike about racial slurs screamed at our games, and that specific kind of hate disgusts us. We don’t want to limit the passion of our fans and their ability to express themselves, but there are plenty of horrible things about homosexuals you can shout instead.” Henry added that he understood change is difficult, and that once fans return to games, there would be an eight-decade probationary period before fans yelling racist remarks were removed from the stands.


theonion--2020-06-12--Showrunner Worried This A Bad Time For New Series About 2 Cop Best Friends Who Get Neo-Nazi Roommate

LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern that the show might be taken out of context given the “ current situation , ” showrunner Bradley Criswell told reporters Friday he was worried that this was a bad time for his new series about two cop best friends who get a new neo-Nazi roommate .
“ With everything that ’ s happening right now , I have to keep in mind there is a chance people might not want to see a kind-hearted NYPD officer palling around with his dumb , yet hilarious skinhead friend , ” said Criswell , who wondered if maybe the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and Klaus ’ s misadventures in New York City was , due to the current protests , doomed to fail .
“ Unfortunately , I can picture people not totally getting it , even though it ’ s less a show about hate groups and White Supremacy , and more about the friendship that brings us all together .
I just hope the studio can focus on the good stuff , like the story arc where the two cops finally get their new roommate a job on the force and accidentally shoot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , Criswell had revised his pitch to emphasize the diversity of the cast , and how many of the storylines actually focused on Black people and immigrants .

LOS ANGELES—Expressing concern that the show might be taken out of context given the “current situation,” showrunner Bradley Criswell told reporters Friday he was worried that this was a bad time for his new series about two cop best friends who get a new neo-Nazi roommate. “With everything that’s happening right now, I have to keep in mind there is a chance people might not want to see a kind-hearted NYPD officer palling around with his dumb, yet hilarious skinhead friend,” said Criswell, who wondered if maybe the show about Officer Ryan, Officer Russo, and Klaus’s misadventures in New York City was, due to the current protests, doomed to fail. “Unfortunately, I can picture people not totally getting it, even though it’s less a show about hate groups and White Supremacy, and more about the friendship that brings us all together. I just hope the studio can focus on the good stuff, like the story arc where the two cops finally get their new roommate a job on the force and accidentally shoot an unarmed black man.” At press time, Criswell had revised his pitch to emphasize the diversity of the cast, and how many of the storylines actually focused on Black people and immigrants.


theonion--2020-06-12--Giant Pandas Finally Mate After Being Married In Catholic Ceremony

For the past decade , Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate , until now .
Hear how @ @ @ @ @ to stay true to their Lord and Savior .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

For the past decade, Ying Ying and Le Le had refused to mate, until now. Hear how the two love bears managed to stay true to their Lord and Savior.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-12--Archaeologists May Have Discovered Oldest Theater In London

Archaeologists in Whitechapel believe they have uncovered the Red Lion , an Elizabethan playhouse that may have been the city @ @ @ @ @ space when it was built around 1567 .
What do you think ?
“ Oh @ @ @ @ @ this doesn ’ t mean there are going to be more plays.
” “ The @ @ @ @ @ to watch a play is buried under dirt.
” “ I guess the British have @ @ @ @ @ longer than we realized .
”

Archaeologists in Whitechapel believe they have uncovered the Red Lion, an Elizabethan playhouse that may have been the city’s first dedicated theater space when it was built around 1567. What do you think?
“Oh G od, I hope this doesn’t mean there are going to be more plays.” Tonya Hall, Palm Waver
“The last place I would want to watch a play is buried under dirt.” Mike DeCoster, Unemployed
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theonion--2020-06-15--The Biggest Titles Announced At The PS5 Game Lineup Event

Lo and behold , gamers !
With the announcement of the Playstation 5 ’ s launch lineup late last week , the next generation is finally upon us .
Here are some of the titles we ’ re most excited to get our hands on to really get a taste of the promised revolution in mind-melting graphics , pulse-pounding gameplay , and all-out immersiveness .
Gran Turismo 7 : After Gran Turismo 6 ’ s cliffhanger ending , this new installment promises to finally answer one of the series ’ greatest overarching mysteries : Do these cars serve humanity , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : Forbidden West : Guerrilla Games continues their reign as the most imaginative sci-fi writers in gaming by dreaming up a future in which the foresightless greed of tech companies has rendered San Francisco almost impossible to live in .
Resident Evil 8 : Village : Capitalizing on the popularity of Nintendo ’ s Animal Crossing , gamers take control of protagonist Ethan Winters as he attempts to turn a spooky village into a thriving island paradise .
No more killing vicious monsters , just farming crops and building furniture .
Grand Theft @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tar ’ s latest lets gamers step into the shoes of the ultimate sucker , the kind of brainless sap who would pay full price for an eight-year-old game that was free a month ago .
Astro ’ s Playroom : Sony is including this tech demo free with every PS5 , but if you ’ d like to pay extra for it , they ’ re open to that , too .
NBA 2K21 : With the much-heralded addition of the 3-point shot , strap in for the most realistic basketball game @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s latest places you into the role of a character stuck in a time-loop , a wildly inventive premise that gives gamers a taste of what it would be like if they could respawn in a video game .
Project Athia : Some more well-rendered fantasy bullshit that should be good to eat up time until the first real PS5 game comes out

Lo and behold, gamers! With the announcement of the Playstation 5’s launch lineup late last week, the next generation is finally upon us. Here are some of the titles we’re most excited to get our hands on to really get a taste of the promised revolution in mind-melting graphics, pulse-pounding gameplay, and all-out immersiveness.
Gran Turismo 7: After Gran Turismo 6’s cliffhanger ending, this new installment promises to finally answer one of the series’ greatest overarching mysteries: Do these cars serve humanity, or does humanity serve them?
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Horizon: Forbidden West: Guerrilla Games continues their reign as the most imaginative sci-fi writers in gaming by dreaming up a future in which the foresightless greed of tech companies has rendered San Francisco almost impossible to live in.
Resident Evil 8: Village: Capitalizing on the popularity of Nintendo’s Animal Crossing, gamers take control of protagonist Ethan Winters as he attempts to turn a spooky village into a thriving island paradise. No more killing vicious monsters, just farming crops and building furniture.
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Grand Theft Auto 5: Enhanced Edition: Rocks tar’s latest lets gamers step into the shoes of the ultimate sucker, the kind of brainless sap who would pay full price for an eight-year-old game that was free a month ago.
Astro’s Playroom: Sony is including this tech demo free with every PS5, but if you’d like to pay extra for it, they’re open to that, too.
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NBA 2K21: With the much-heralded addition of the 3-point shot, strap in for the most realistic basketball game on the market.
Deathloop: Bethesda’s latest places you into the role of a character stuck in a time-loop, a wildly inventive premise that gives gamers a taste of what it would be like if they could respawn in a video game.
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Project Athia: Some more well-rendered fantasy bullshit that should be good to eat up time until the first real PS5 game comes out


theonion--2020-06-15--‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Sti

‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused by the concept of shifting law enforcement resources , a head-scratching nation asked , “ So , it means making the police lose their homes and forcing them to get a divorce ” Monday while struggling to understand how defunding the police could work .
“ It just doesn ’ t seem like making all police officers homeless and depriving them of their family ’ s love is very realistic when you think about it , ” said 328 million Americans , noting that at least some funds should be saved for officer ’ s uniforms so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to emergency calls wearing nothing but pickle barrels .
“ I ’ m really trying to figure out how our court system is supposed to handle millions of police officers riding in boxcar trains across the country to file for divorce .
They aren ’ t going to be able to do their jobs when they ’ re only allowed to eat cigarettes and get pelted with rotten eggs instead of being paid , so I ’ m having a hard time wrapping my head around how this is a feasible plan .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ deliberately ignorant ; just explain how everyone adopting a police officer and raising him or her as their own child is a real solution .
I don ’ t think I have a big enough crib.
” At press time , the U.S. populace went on to express that they couldn ’ t support abolishing the police if that meant loading them into a cannon and shooting them into space .

WASHINGTON—Growing increasingly confused by the concept of shifting law enforcement resources, a head-scratching nation asked, “So, it means making the police lose their homes and forcing them to get a divorce” Monday while struggling to understand how defunding the police could work. “It just doesn’t seem like making all police officers homeless and depriving them of their family’s love is very realistic when you think about it,” said 328 million Americans, noting that at least some funds should be saved for officer’s uniforms so they don’t have to respond to emergency calls wearing nothing but pickle barrels. “I’m really trying to figure out how our court system is supposed to handle millions of police officers riding in boxcar trains across the country to file for divorce. They aren’t going to be able to do their jobs when they’re only allowed to eat cigarettes and get pelted with rotten eggs instead of being paid, so I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around how this is a feasible plan. I’m not trying to be deliberately ignorant; just explain how everyone adopting a police officer and raising him or her as their own child is a real solution. I don’t think I have a big enough crib.” At press time, the U.S. populace went on to express that they couldn’t support abolishing the police if that meant loading them into a cannon and shooting them into space.