theonion--2020-09-30--‘That’s It, I’m Voting For Him,’ Says Undecided Voter Impressed By Poised Chris Wallace

BUCKEYE , AZ—Announcing during the presidential debate that he had made up his mind about who to support in the upcoming election , local undecided voter Alan Wills reportedly stated , “ That ’ s it , I ’ m voting for him , ” Tuesday after being impressed by poised moderator Chris Wallace .
“ That man has got my vote , ” said Wills of the Fox News host , adding that Wallace seemed to have the best grasp of the issues of the three men onstage and didn ’ t lower himself to cheap attacks .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there who actually wants to talk seriously about things that ordinary Americans are concerned about , and he also has the right temperament for the job .
When this debate started , I was definitely on the fence , but while Trump and Biden are up there bloviating , this Wallace guy is staying calm and asking good questions , plus he appears to really care about the answers .
I ’ m voting Wallace for sure.
” Wills added that he hadn ’ t made up his mind this early about who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ performance during the 2012 election by Jim Lehrer .

BUCKEYE, AZ—Announcing during the presidential debate that he had made up his mind about who to support in the upcoming election, local undecided voter Alan Wills reportedly stated, “That’s it, I’m voting for him,” Tuesday after being impressed by poised moderator Chris Wallace. “That man has got my vote,” said Wills of the Fox News host, adding that Wallace seemed to have the best grasp of the issues of the three men onstage and didn’t lower himself to cheap attacks. “He seems like the only one up there who actually wants to talk seriously about things that ordinary Americans are concerned about, and he also has the right temperament for the job. When this debate started, I was definitely on the fence, but while Trump and Biden are up there bloviating, this Wallace guy is staying calm and asking good questions, plus he appears to really care about the answers. I’m voting Wallace for sure.” Wills added that he hadn’t made up his mind this early about who to vote for since the strong first-debate performance during the 2012 election by Jim Lehrer.


theonion--2020-09-30--Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage

CLEVELAND—Letting out a forced gasp at the phony mugging , President Donald Trump stoked fears surrounding crime Tuesday by having @ @ @ @ @ disguise himself as a cat burglar and rob him on the debate stage .
“ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s a violent Antifa thug sent here by Joe Biden to rob me @ @ @ @ @ exclaiming that these types of thefts would happen more and more if liberals raise taxes @ @ @ @ @ the president ’ s wallet into a sack emblazoned with a dollar sign .
“ @ @ @ @ @ call the cops on this very , very bad guy , but there aren ’ @ @ @ @ @ Black Lives Matter got rid of them !
I should never have come to this @ @ @ @ @ press time , William Barr came out disguised as a doctor to treat Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ him $ 50,000 , explaining that the high price tag was due to the exorbitant @ @ @ @ @ ACA .

CLEVELAND—Letting out a forced gasp at the phony mugging, President Donald Trump stoked fears surrounding crime Tuesday by having Secretary of State Mike Pompeo disguise himself as a cat burglar and rob him on the debate stage. “Oh no, look, it’s a violent Antifa thug sent here by Joe Biden to rob me!” said Trump, exclaiming that these types of thefts would happen more and more if liberals raise taxes while a black-clad Pompeo stuffed the president’s wallet into a sack emblazoned with a dollar sign. “Yikes! I want to call the cops on this very, very bad guy, but there aren’t any police around because Black Lives Matter got rid of them! I should never have come to this Democrat-run city!” At press time, William Barr came out disguised as a doctor to treat Trump’s injuries and then charged him $50,000, explaining that the high price tag was due to the exorbitant insurance premiums caused by the ACA.


theonion--2020-09-29--Biden, Trump Meet In First Presidential Debate

Former Vice President Joe Biden a nd President Donald Trump will go head-to-head in Cleveland , Ohio , tonight in @ @ @ @ @ debates , with topics focusing on Covid-19 , the economy , and the Supreme Court @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ To ensure my vote stays objective , I ’ m going to hold @ @ @ @ @ 3.
” “ I don ’ t think it ’ s right to be holding @ @ @ @ @ election.
” “ I hope those needy Cleveland voters know this counts as a campaign @ @ @ @ @

Former Vice President Joe Biden a nd President Donald Trump will go head-to-head in Cleveland, Ohio, tonight in the first of three scheduled debates, with topics focusing on Covid-19, the economy, and the Supreme Court. What do you think?
“To ensure my vote stays objective, I’m going to hold off watching until after November 3.” Mark Adams • Scooter Mechanic
“I don’t think it’s right to be holding debates this close to an election.” Rich Newman • Systems Analyst
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-29--California Firefighters Massage 2.5 Million Gallons Of Moisturizer Into Forests To Prevent Dryness

SANTA ROSA , CA—Reminding the public that “ an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure , ” the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection reportedly massaged 2.5 million gallons of moisturizer into parched state forests Tuesday to break the cycle of dryness that has led to continual flare-ups .
“ The number one cause of forest fire breakouts is dry brush , which is best treated by saturating the affected area with a lubricating cream designed to lock in moisture , ” said California Fire Chief Thom Porter as he gently worked three quarts of lavender-scented @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a 300-foot redwood .
“ We chose a hypoallergenic , coconut milk-based emulsion that not only replenishes lost chloroplast lipids , but also uses a hyaluronic acid to boost the brushwood ’ s natural moisture production , ensuring our vegetation remains thoroughly hydrated without developing oily bark .
We ’ ll be applying the cream in gentle , circular motions from the Bay Area down through the Sierra Nevada region and all the way up to the Oregon border .
Then we ’ ll follow with a gentle SPF 30 setting spray @ @ @ @ @ @ @ already crispy leaves.
” Porter added that while the program is expensive , taxpayers save millions thanks to state prison inmates , who are paid $ 1 per acre to administer the forests ’ autumn exfoliation regimen .

SANTA ROSA, CA—Reminding the public that “an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure,” the California Department of Forestry and Fire Protection reportedly massaged 2.5 million gallons of moisturizer into parched state forests Tuesday to break the cycle of dryness that has led to continual flare-ups. “The number one cause of forest fire breakouts is dry brush, which is best treated by saturating the affected area with a lubricating cream designed to lock in moisture,” said California Fire Chief Thom Porter as he gently worked three quarts of lavender-scented lotion into the rough, cracked trunk of a 300-foot redwood. “We chose a hypoallergenic, coconut milk-based emulsion that not only replenishes lost chloroplast lipids, but also uses a hyaluronic acid to boost the brushwood’s natural moisture production, ensuring our vegetation remains thoroughly hydrated without developing oily bark. We’ll be applying the cream in gentle, circular motions from the Bay Area down through the Sierra Nevada region and all the way up to the Oregon border. Then we’ll follow with a gentle SPF 30 setting spray to prevent further sun damage to the already crispy leaves.” Porter added that while the program is expensive, taxpayers save millions thanks to state prison inmates, who are paid $1 per acre to administer the forests’ autumn exfoliation regimen.


theonion--2020-09-29--Nation To Take Five

Nation To Take Five

Use The Bathroom , Grab A Snack , Meet Back In 5 WASHINGTON—Unveiling a plan to enjoy a few minutes @ @ @ @ @ in , the nation ’ s populace announced its intention Tuesday to take a fiver @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve got some time to stretch our legs , chitchat , maybe grab a @ @ @ @ @ to meet back here again , ” said resident Brett Combs , echoing the sentiment @ @ @ @ @ pledged to be back in their places at the top of the hour , refreshed @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s not that long a break , so we ’ ll probably @ @ @ @ @ a text , although if we head out right now we might be able to @ @ @ @ @ coffee at the place around the corner .
” At press time , the nation @ @ @ @ @ a couple more minutes until everyone was back .

Use The Bathroom, Grab A Snack, Meet Back In 5
WASHINGTON—Unveiling a plan to enjoy a few minutes to themselves before diving back in, the nation’s populace announced its intention Tuesday to take a fiver. “Looks like we’ve got some time to stretch our legs, chitchat, maybe grab a granola bar before we have to meet back here again,” said resident Brett Combs, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans who pledged to be back in their places at the top of the hour, refreshed and ready to go. “It’s not that long a break, so we’ll probably just check Twitter or send a text, although if we head out right now we might be able to grab a quick cup of coffee at the place around the corner.” At press time, the nation announced its plan to delay a couple more minutes until everyone was back.


theonion--2020-09-30--How Biden Can Beat Trump

How Biden Can Beat Trump

With the election around the corner , Democratic Party candidate Joe Biden is fine-tuning his campaign to unseat incumbent President @ @ @ @ @ Party opponent .
The Onion looks at key factors that could help Biden defeat Trump @ @ @ @ @ Ride that sweet wave of panic and death caused by an unchecked pandemic .
Remind @ @ @ @ @ s more qualified to dismantle the racist 1994 Crime Bill than its own author .
@ @ @ @ @ them that he ’ s also on the job hunt .
Make any policy compromises @ @ @ @ @ diehard Delaney-or-bust crowd .
Court undecided voters by shaking them and yelling “ What ’ @ @ @ @ @ ” Reassure fretful nation they can vote as many times as they want .
Really @ @ @ @ @ resort ” messaging .
Just don ’ t talk too much , and don ’ @ @ @ @

With the election around the corner, Democratic Party candidate Joe Biden is fine-tuning his campaign to unseat incumbent President Donald Trump, his Republican Party opponent. The Onion looks at key factors that could help Biden defeat Trump and win the presidency. If this is not your preferred outcome, you can find out how Trump can beat Biden here.
Stay intentionally vague on key issues to pique voter curiosity.
Ride that sweet wave of panic and death caused by an unchecked pandemic.
Remind progressives that no one’s more qualified to dismantle the racist 1994 Crime Bill than its own author.
Advertisement
Build youth support by reminding them that he’s also on the job hunt.
Make any policy compromises necessary to win over the diehard Delaney-or-bust crowd.
Advertisement Advertisement
Court undecided voters by shaking them and yelling “What’s wrong with you?”
Scour family tree for any additional tragic dead relative stories.
Reassure fretful nation they can vote as many times as they want.
Really lean into that “last resort” messaging.
Just don’t talk too much, and don’t touch anybody.


theonion--2020-09-30--Neighbors Remember Shooter As Regular Guy Who Loved Unhinged Exterminationist Rhetoric

HUDSON , VA—In the aftermath of a mass shooting that left two people dead and several others badly injured , neighbors reportedly remembered shooter Duane Simmons Tyler Wednesday as a regular guy who loved unhinged exterminationist rhetoric .
“ It ’ s so tragic hearing about what Duane did when we all knew him as this decent neighbor who kept his property clean and often expressed a desire to eradicate Muslims and Jews from the face of the earth , ” said neighbor Payton Landry , who added that he had attended a delightful barbecue where Tyler had held forth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ month before the shooting .
“ I mean , Duane was just a regular guy with a wife , a stockpile of guns , and two kids who he loved more than anything in the world because they would help challenge the attempt by people of non-European descent to eliminate the white race .
He was pretty active in the community as the assistant coach of his son ’ s T-ball team and on Facebook proclaiming that anyone with left-wing beliefs should be shot on sight.
” Neighbors added that the mass shooting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d do something like that and whether there were any warning signs they could have picked up on to stop the tragedy .

HUDSON, VA—In the aftermath of a mass shooting that left two people dead and several others badly injured, neighbors reportedly remembered shooter Duane Simmons Tyler Wednesday as a regular guy who loved unhinged exterminationist rhetoric. “It’s so tragic hearing about what Duane did when we all knew him as this decent neighbor who kept his property clean and often expressed a desire to eradicate Muslims and Jews from the face of the earth,” said neighbor Payton Landry, who added that he had attended a delightful barbecue where Tyler had held forth on the Great Replacement theory about a month before the shooting. “I mean, Duane was just a regular guy with a wife, a stockpile of guns, and two kids who he loved more than anything in the world because they would help challenge the attempt by people of non-European descent to eliminate the white race. He was pretty active in the community as the assistant coach of his son’s T-ball team and on Facebook proclaiming that anyone with left-wing beliefs should be shot on sight.” Neighbors added that the mass shooting led them to ask themselves why he’d do something like that and whether there were any warning signs they could have picked up on to stop the tragedy.


theonion--2020-09-30--Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga

Congress Aids Those Struggling With Depression By Implementing New National Suicide-Prevention Conga Line

Hear why placing your hands on another person ’ s hips and swaying rhythmically , even for just a few @ @ @ @ @ can be greatly beneficial for one ’ s mental health .
You can find The @ @ @ @ @ Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why placing your hands on another person’s hips and swaying rhythmically, even for just a few beats of the drum, can be greatly beneficial for one’s mental health.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-30--Falcon Sick Of Everyone Assuming He And Falconer Friends

MATTOON , IL—Explaining that he prefers to keep his work life separate from his personal life , local falcon Saber confirmed Wednesday that he is sick of everyone assuming he and his falconer are friends .
“ Ted is fine and we ’ re both civil when I hang out on his leather glove , but I definitely consider him an acquaintance at most , ” said the 6 -year-old peregrine falcon , adding that his handler is good at his job , but considering they are two separate species , they don ’ t have much in common .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I like to go home to my own cage or go out with my falcon buddies .
If I saw Ted after work , I ’ d probably just pretend I had my little hood on and hope he ’ d take the hint .
He ’ s mentioned his kids once or twice , but I never ask for more information because I ’ m not interested in getting to know him better .
Nice enough guy , though.
” The bird of prey denied any rumors that he and Ted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he would be open to a relationship if the right falconer came along .

MATTOON, IL—Explaining that he prefers to keep his work life separate from his personal life, local falcon Saber confirmed Wednesday that he is sick of everyone assuming he and his falconer are friends. “Ted is fine and we’re both civil when I hang out on his leather glove, but I definitely consider him an acquaintance at most,” said the 6 -year-old peregrine falcon, adding that his handler is good at his job, but considering they are two separate species, they don’t have much in common. “Once I’m done flying, I like to go home to my own cage or go out with my falcon buddies. If I saw Ted after work, I’d probably just pretend I had my little hood on and hope he’d take the hint. He’s mentioned his kids once or twice, but I never ask for more information because I’m not interested in getting to know him better. Nice enough guy, though.” The bird of prey denied any rumors that he and Ted were hooking up, but acknowledged that he would be open to a relationship if the right falconer came along.


theonion--2020-09-30--Scientists Say Time Travel Without Paradoxes Theoretically Possible

Researchers at the University of Queensland have released a new mathematical study that claims any changes made by a time @ @ @ @ @ self-correct , creating a new timeline that may be altered but not drastically different .
@ @ @ @ @ “ Why even bother going back in time if you can ’ t cause irreparable @ @ @ @ @ no , I ’ m not falling for this again .
”

Researchers at the University of Queensland have released a new mathematical study that claims any changes made by a time traveler visiting the past would self-correct, creating a new timeline that may be altered but not drastically different. What do you think?
“Why even bother going back in time if you can’t cause irreparable damage?” Molly Kensinger • Safecracker
“I’ve long suspected that nothing I do matters.” Monte Conrad • Goose Linguist
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-30--ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gaming Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Confer

ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gaming Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Conference Unafraid To Kick-Start The Resurgence In Our Global Pandemic

Here at the Onion Gamers Network , we have long operated under the principle that in an age of universal cowardice , to act bravely in support of video games is a revolutionary act .
As such , our editorial board was saddened but unsurprised to see virtually all of the industry ’ s trade organizations fold under the pressure of a mere globe-spanning pandemic : E3 , GDC , the Tokyo Game Show , and more gave in to the spineless alarmists who put public health over the importance of game expos .
Ultimately , our hand was forced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we are proud to announce T he Onion Gamers Expo , a weeklong video game conference spanning October 5 to 9 , unafraid to kick- start the resurgence in our global pandemic .
Staged in the lavishly appointed 750 million-square- foot Zweibel Convention Center in downtown Phnom Penh , Cambodia , the Onion Gamers Expo is a conference that refuses to let gamers go for a year without the vital resources of mind-blowing trailers and stunning gaming announcements .
It answers lesser conference ’ s timid kowtowing to so-called “ pandemic experts ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Video games are here , video games are important , and video games can not be held back by the threat of a few hundred thousand measly moralities to a virulent respiratory virus .
With commitments from Nintendo , Sony , Microsoft , Atari , and Coleco Industries , OGE is dedicated to the principle that humanity requires—nay , demands—video game conventions .
Indeed , they are vital to our civilization ’ s very survival .
Would the great empires of Rome and Greece have cance led their video game conference if threatened @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Would the free citizens of the gaming world have stood for a year lacking such gatherings without making the streets run red with the blood of their feckless political leaders ?
Unquestionably .
You see , then , that we had no choice but to ignore pleading from three dozen medical experts and invest heavily in creating a video conference like none before it or after .
This conference—and its 10,000 vendors , 2,750 major publishers , 713 gaming icon-packed panels , and dozens of dedicated communal soup troughs—is dedicated to those who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ receiving a single piece of Ratchet & Clank swag .
It exists to comfort the troubled minds of those who worried that they would never again see a flustered Ubisoft tech crew spend their entire stage time trying to get a hands-on demonstration of Assassin ’ s Creed : Valhalla working again after a game-ending glitch .
It exists for the legions of gamers who would have rioted and pillaged all the great cities of the earth without artist stalls where they could clandestinely purchase a book of Spryo the Dragon erotica .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ you , reader .
Indeed , even as you read these words , millions are salivating to see the pandemic generation of gaming conferences up close and personal in a way those gutless buffoons at E3 were unwilling to give you .
It ’ s an understandable reaction for any self-respecting gamers , and even more so for those perceptive few able to see past the absurdity that breathing is more important than video games .
So , keep your eyes on our social media account to get your tickets , and visit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for your official OGE merch .
But hurry !
We only have 1.5 million tickets left , and they ’ re sure to run out soon !
The new age of video game conventions is finally here , readers .
Prepare yourselves accordingly .

Here at the Onion Gamers Network, we have long operated under the principle that in an age of universal cowardice, to act bravely in support of video games is a revolutionary act. As such, our editorial board was saddened but unsurprised to see virtually all of the industry’s trade organizations fold under the pressure of a mere globe-spanning pandemic: E3, GDC, the Tokyo Game Show, and more gave in to the spineless alarmists who put public health over the importance of game expos. Ultimately, our hand was forced.
That’s why today, we are proud to announce The Onion Gamers Expo, a weeklong video game conference spanning October 5 to 9, unafraid to kick-start the resurgence in our global pandemic.
Advertisement
Staged in the lavishly appointed 750 million-square-foot Zweibel Convention Center in downtown Phnom Penh, Cambodia, the Onion Gamers Expo is a conference that refuses to let gamers go for a year without the vital resources of mind-blowing trailers and stunning gaming announcements. It answers lesser conference’s timid kowtowing to so-called “pandemic experts” with a full-throated clarion call: Video games are here, video games are important, and video games cannot be held back by the threat of a few hundred thousand measly moralities to a virulent respiratory virus.
With commitments from Nintendo, Sony, Microsoft, Atari, and Coleco Industries, OGE is dedicated to the principle that humanity requires—nay, demands—video game conventions. Indeed, they are vital to our civilization’s very survival. Would the great empires of Rome and Greece have canceled their video game conference if threatened with a simple flu? No! Would the free citizens of the gaming world have stood for a year lacking such gatherings without making the streets run red with the blood of their feckless political leaders? Unquestionably.
Advertisement Advertisement
You see, then, that we had no choice but to ignore pleading from three dozen medical experts and invest heavily in creating a video conference like none before it or after.
This conference—and its 10,000 vendors, 2,750 major publishers, 713 gaming icon-packed panels, and dozens of dedicated communal soup troughs—is dedicated to those who despaired going for all of 2020 without receiving a single piece of Ratchet & Clank swag. It exists to comfort the troubled minds of those who worried that they would never again see a flustered Ubisoft tech crew spend their entire stage time trying to get a hands-on demonstration of Assassin’s Creed: Valhalla working again after a game-ending glitch. It exists for the legions of gamers who would have rioted and pillaged all the great cities of the earth without artist stalls where they could clandestinely purchase a book of Spryo the Dragon erotica. In other words, it exists for you, reader.
Advertisement
Indeed, even as you read these words, millions are salivating to see the pandemic generation of gaming conferences up close and personal in a way those gutless buffoons at E3 were unwilling to give you. It’s an understandable reaction for any self-respecting gamers, and even more so for those perceptive few able to see past the absurdity that breathing is more important than video games. So, keep your eyes on our social media account to get your tickets, and visit the Onion Gamer Expo store for your official OGE merch. But hurry! We only have 1.5 million tickets left, and they’re sure to run out soon!
The new age of video game conventions is finally here, readers. Prepare yourselves accordingly.


theonion--2020-09-30--Tennessee Titans Face Coronavirus Outbreak

The Tennessee Titans have suspended all in-person activities after three players and five team personnel members tested positive for coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ has been made yet on whether the team will play the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ Ugh , first it ki lls my grandparents , and now @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t think they can beat Pittsburgh , they should just say so.
” @ @ @ @ @ shit up and get back out there .
”

The Tennessee Titans have suspended all in-person activities after three players and five team personnel members tested positive for coronavirus Tuesday, though no decision has been made yet on whether the team will play the Pittsburgh Steelers on Sunday as scheduled. What do you think?
“Ugh, first it ki lls my grandparents, and now this.” Brady Ferlisi • Unemployed
“If they don’t think they can beat Pittsburgh, they should just say so.” Ryan Solik • Needle Collector
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-30--Highlights From The First 2020 Presidential Debate

The first debate of the presidential election between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden was held in @ @ @ @ @ Tuesday night .
The Onion looks at the highlights from the debate .
Moderator Chris @ @ @ @ @ ’ s racism confined to his dogwhistle questions Both candidates resist taking the bait of @ @ @ @ @ falsely accusing Biden of having secret third son named Lomax who has a gambling problem @ @ @ @ @ to convince himself that both sides are bad so he ’ ll be voting for @ @ @ @ @ statement telling the Proud Boys to “ stand by ” and alarming refusal to give @ @ @ @ @ groups clear instructions

The first debate of the presidential election between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden was held in Cleveland, Ohio , on Tuesday night. The Onion looks at the highlights from the debate.
Trump demonstrating ideological open-mindedness by refusing to condemn white supremacy
Advertisement
Moderator Chris Wallace struggling to keep debate’s racism confined to his dogwhistle questions
Both candidates resist taking the bait of naming any specific policy
Trump falsely accusing Biden of having secret third son named Lomax who has a gambling problem
Advertisement Advertisement
Enough chaos for your dad to convince himself that both sides are bad so he’ll be voting for Trump again
Trump’s statement telling the Proud Boys to “stand by” and alarming refusal to give dozens of other white supremacist groups clear instructions
Advertisement
Both candidates making convincing arguments for presidential age limits


theonion--2020-09-30--Post-Debate Poll Finds Majority Of Viewers Agree America Was Waste Of Time

WASHINGTON—Mere hours after the closure of the first 2020 presidential debate , an Onion- Zweibel Poll released Wednesday found that the vast majority of viewers agree America was a complete waste of time .
“ In the wake of the contentious clash between former Vice President Biden and President Donald Trump , we ’ re seeing nearly 63 % of debate viewers expressing their strong feelings that the United States of America never should have happened in the first place , ” said chief pollster Dr. Elias Ross , explaining that when discussing the existence of America , 53 % @ @ @ @ @ @ @ annoyed ” or “ infuriated , ” while 17 % thought the country was a total waste of the past 243 years , and only 1 % asserted that they continued to have neutral or positive feelings toward the nation .
“ Meanwhile , a plurality of our sample believe that we should take the unprecedented step of simply cance ling America from here on out , saying that it contributed nothing of substance to their lives and actually made their outlook for the future substantially worse .
Overall , these are very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the republic .
Frankly , I can ’ t see how the country turns things around.
” Ross added that one survey participant after viewing the 90-minute debate had even gone so far as to call Thomas Jefferson “ unhinged ” and “ behaving like a crackhead ” for ever putting forth the idea of representative democracy .

WASHINGTON—Mere hours after the closure of the first 2020 presidential debate, an Onion-Zweibel Poll released Wednesday found that the vast majority of viewers agree America was a complete waste of time. “In the wake of the contentious clash between former Vice President Biden and President Donald Trump, we’re seeing nearly 63% of debate viewers expressing their strong feelings that the United States of America never should have happened in the first place,” said chief pollster Dr. Elias Ross, explaining that when discussing the existence of America, 53% of those surveyed described themselves as “annoyed” or “infuriated,” while 17% thought the country was a total waste of the past 243 years, and only 1% asserted that they continued to have neutral or positive feelings toward the nation. “Meanwhile, a plurality of our sample believe that we should take the unprecedented step of simply canceling America from here on out, saying that it contributed nothing of substance to their lives and actually made their outlook for the future substantially worse. Overall, these are very low numbers for America at this stage in the republic. Frankly, I can’t see how the country turns things around.” Ross added that one survey participant after viewing the 90-minute debate had even gone so far as to call Thomas Jefferson “unhinged” and “behaving like a crackhead” for ever putting forth the idea of representative democracy.


theonion--2020-09-30--Stunned Pundits Criticize Trump For Refusing To Denounce His Base

CLEVELAND—After failing to condemn the group ’ s violent behavior and rhetoric during the first presidential debate , President Donald Trump came under fire from stunned political pundits Wednesday for refusing to denounce his base .
“ I ’ ve been reporting on these debates for decades , and frankly , I don ’ t know what the president was thinking when he declined to clearly and openly disavow thousands of violent , radicalized people who his reelection dearly depends on , ” said ABC ’ s George Stephanopoulos , who , along with flabbergasted pundits from CNN , MSNBC @ @ @ @ @ @ @ president had several opportunities to distance himself from the people upon which his entire image , campaign , and presidency relied , and yet ignored them all .
“ How can Trump , as the sitting president , get away with this type of behavior that he ’ s totally normalized at every turn ?
It really shouldn ’ t be that hard for him to look at the camera , say their names , and then denounce his stalwart supporters whose votes are crucial for an election victory.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden for refusing to explicitly denounce the extreme pro-Green New Deal rhetoric on the left .

CLEVELAND—After failing to condemn the group’s violent behavior and rhetoric during the first presidential debate, President Donald Trump came under fire from stunned political pundits Wednesday for refusing to denounce his base. “I’ve been reporting on these debates for decades, and frankly, I don’t know what the president was thinking when he declined to clearly and openly disavow thousands of violent, radicalized people who his reelection dearly depends on,” said ABC’s George Stephanopoulos, who, along with flabbergasted pundits from CNN, MSNBC, and CBS, noted that the president had several opportunities to distance himself from the people upon which his entire image, campaign, and presidency relied, and yet ignored them all. “How can Trump, as the sitting president, get away with this type of behavior that he’s totally normalized at every turn? It really shouldn’t be that hard for him to look at the camera, say their names, and then denounce his stalwart supporters whose votes are crucial for an election victory.” At press time, political pundits blasted Democratic candidate Joe Biden for refusing to explicitly denounce the extreme pro-Green New Deal rhetoric on the left.


theonion--2020-09-30--‘And The Crowd Heads For The Exit!’ Yells Child Dribbling Out Clock In Imaginary 19-Point NBA Finals

‘And The Crowd Heads For The Exit!’ Yells Child Dribbling Out Clock In Imaginary 19-Point NBA Finals Victory

PARSONS , KS—Inbounding the ball to himself after intentionally fouling himself for the third straight possession , local child Owen @ @ @ @ @ T he crowd heads for the exit ” Wednesday while dribbling out the clock during @ @ @ @ @ inals blowout .
“ NBA f inals , everything on the line— he stalls , @ @ @ @ @ are checking their cell phones !
” shouted Cooper to himself as he dribbled in @ @ @ @ @ sitting down to imagine a 90-second TV timeout .
“ The starters have left the @ @ @ @ @ intentionally fouled again with 1:21 remaining !
He makes both free throws to push the @ @ @ @ @ Lakers are on their way to a 3-1 series !
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ by his mother with 22 seconds remaining in the imaginary game because it was getting @ @ @ @

PARSONS, KS—Inbounding the ball to himself after intentionally fouling himself for the third straight possession, local child Owen Cooper reportedly yelled, “The crowd heads for the exit” Wednesday while dribbling out the clock during an imaginary 19-point NBA Finals blowout. “NBA finals, everything on the line—he stalls, he stalls, the fans are checking their cell phones!” shouted Cooper to himself as he dribbled in place in his driveway before sitting down to imagine a 90-second TV timeout. “The starters have left the floor! He’s intentionally fouled again with 1:21 remaining! He makes both free throws to push the lead to 21. The Lakers are on their way to a 3-1 series!” At press time, Cooper had been called inside by his mother with 22 seconds remaining in the imaginary game because it was getting too dark out.


theonion--2020-09-30--Neighbors Remember Shooter As Regular Guy Who Loved Unhinged Extremist Rhetoric


theonion--2020-09-30--ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gamers Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Confer

ANNOUNCEMENT: We’re Proud To Announce The Onion Gamers Expo: A Weeklong, In-Person Video Game Conference Unafraid To Kick-Start The Resurgence In Our Global Pandemic

Here at the Onion Gamers Network , we have long operated under the principle that in an age of universal cowardice , to act bravely in support of video games is a revolutionary act .
As such , our editorial board was saddened but unsurprised to see virtually all of the industry ’ s trade organizations fold under the pressure of a mere globe-spanning pandemic : E3 , GDC , the Tokyo Game Show , and more gave in to the spineless alarmists who put public health over the importance of game expos .
Ultimately , our hand was forced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we are proud to announce The Onion Gamers Expo , a weeklong video game conference spanning October 5 to 9 , unafraid to kick-start the resurgence in our global pandemic .
Staged in the lavishly appointed 750 million-square-foot Zweibel Convention Center in downtown Phnom Penh , Cambodia , the Onion Gamers Expo is a conference that refuses to let gamers go for a year without the vital resources of mind-blowing trailers and stunning gaming announcements .
It answers lesser conference ’ s timid kowtowing to so-called “ pandemic experts ” with a full-throated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , video games are important , and video games can not be held back by the threat of a few hundred thousand measly moralities to a virulent respiratory virus .
With commitments from Nintendo , Sony , Microsoft , Atari , and Coleco Industries , OGE is dedicated to the principle that humanity requires—nay , demands—video game conventions .
Indeed , they are vital to our civilization ’ s very survival .
Would the great empires of Rome and Greece have canceled their video game conference if threatened with a simple flu ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the gaming world have stood for a year lacking such gatherings without making the streets run red with the blood of their feckless political leaders ?
Unquestionably .
You see , then , that we had no choice but to ignore pleading from three dozen medical experts and invest heavily in creating a video conference like none before it or after .
This conference—and its 10,000 vendors , 2,750 major publishers , 713 gaming icon-packed panels , and dozens of dedicated communal soup troughs—is dedicated to those who despaired going for all of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ratchet & Clank swag .
It exists to comfort the troubled minds of those who worried that they would never again see a flustered Ubisoft tech crew spend their entire stage time trying to get a hands-on demonstration of Assassin ’ s Creed : Valhalla working again after a game-ending glitch .
It exists for the legions of gamers who would have rioted and pillaged all the great cities of the earth without artist stalls where they could clandestinely purchase a book of Spryo the Dragon erotica .
In other words , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , even as you read these words , millions are salivating to see the pandemic generation of gaming conferences up close and personal in a way those gutless buffoons at E3 were unwilling to give you .
It ’ s an understandable reaction for any self-respecting gamers , and even more so for those perceptive few able to see past the absurdity that breathing is more important than video games .
So , keep your eyes on our social media account to get your tickets , and visit the Onion Gamer ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But hurry !
We only have 1.5 million tickets left , and they ’ re sure to run out soon !
The new age of video game conventions is finally here , readers .
Prepare yourselves accordingly .


theonion--2020-09-30--Trump Stokes Crime Fears By Having Mike Pompeo Disguise Self As Cat Burglar, Rob Him On Debate Stage


theonion--2020-10-01--Mitch Trubisky Studying Game Tapes In Hopes Of Discovering What Bears Saw In Him In First Place

CHICAGO—Scouring plays for any hint at something that could provide insight , Chicago quarterback Mitch Trubisky reportedly spent Thursday studying @ @ @ @ @ discovering what the Bears saw in him in the first place .
“ I look @ @ @ @ @ think they must be nuts , but there must have been something that made people @ @ @ @ @ ” said Trubisky while rewinding another of his old starts for UNC in the hopes @ @ @ @ @ boundless potential and talent he always felt he had in at least one of the @ @ @ @ @ was more solid , but I wasn ’ t under the same kind of pressure @ @ @ @ @ wow , I really fired that one in—wait no , it got intercepted .
Maybe @ @ @ @ @ the game ?
I looked a lot happier playing back then , that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ time , Trubisky was viewing a video tape of his first start in an Ohio @ @ @ @

CHICAGO—Scouring plays for any hint at something that could provide insight, Chicago quarterback Mitch Trubisky reportedly spent Thursday studying game tape in hopes of discovering what the Bears saw in him in the first place. “I look at my throwing mechanics and think they must be nuts, but there must have been something that made people think I was good,” said Trubisky while rewinding another of his old starts for UNC in the hopes of catching some of the boundless potential and talent he always felt he had in at least one of the plays. “My accuracy was more solid, but I wasn’t under the same kind of pressure back then. Okay, wow, I really fired that one in—wait no, it got intercepted. Maybe it was my love of the game? I looked a lot happier playing back then, that’s for sure.” At press time, Trubisky was viewing a video tape of his first start in an Ohio Pop Warner league.


theonion--2020-10-01--Court Approves $800 Million Settlement For Las Vegas Shooting Victims

A judge on Wednesday approved an $ 800 million settlement between MGM Resorts and more than 4,400 relatives and victims @ @ @ @ @ Vegas mass shooting , with the casino paying $ 49 million and acknowledging no liability @ @ @ @ @ remaining $ 751 million .
What do you think ?
“ At least n ow @ @ @ @ @ epidemic of gun violence behind us.
” “ I ’ m just relieved that all @ @ @ @ @ involved.
” “ It ’ s crazy that so much money can still seem like @ @ @ @ @

A judge on Wednesday approved an $800 million settlement between MGM Resorts and more than 4,400 relatives and victims of the October 2017 Las Vegas mass shooting, with the casino paying $49 million and acknowledging no liability while its insurers cover the remaining $751 million. What do you think?
“At least n ow we can put this national epidemic of gun violence behind us.” Sabrina Crespo • Mushroom Hunter
“I’m just relieved that all this worked out for everyone involved.” Hal Romero • Forum Moderator
Advertisement


theonion--2020-10-01--Car Commercial Implying Some Sort of Link Between Owning Lincoln Corsair And Daughter Becoming An As

Car Commercial Implying Some Sort of Link Between Owning Lincoln Corsair And Daughter Becoming An Astronaut

KANSAS CITY , MO—As it cuts from a young girl in the car with her father to a grown woman pulling on a NASA helmet as her old man proudly looks on , a TV commercial is implying some sort of link between owning a Lincoln Corsair and having a daughter who becomes an astronaut , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ Got ta admit I ’ m not too sure what this guy ’ s kid going on a space mission has to do with him buying that car , ” said local man Kurt Buckley , 41 , adding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ big stretch ” to show the daughter pointing to the night sky from the luxury crossover ’ s backseat and then show a woman in her 20s attending a quantum physics lecture .
“ I have a daughter myself , but I ’ m still struggling to connect the dots between a teen girl jumping out of an SUV to run through a field with her friends and a rocket on the Kennedy Space Center launchpad counting down to blastoff .
Sure , it tugs at the heartstrings a bit to see a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a car and smiling as airplanes fly overhead—how could it not ?
I just don ’ t get how the hell his decision to lease a Lincoln Corsair for $ 337 a month factors into any of this.
” Buckley went on to state that he wasn ’ t even sure he wanted his daughter to pursue a career as an astronaut , observing that it ’ s a long-shot job at best and , in any case , his 9-year-old loves animals and wants to be a marine biologist .

KANSAS CITY, MO—As it cuts from a young girl in the car with her father to a grown woman pulling on a NASA helmet as her old man proudly looks on, a TV commercial is implying some sort of link between owning a Lincoln Corsair and having a daughter who becomes an astronaut, sources confirmed Thursday. “Gotta admit I’m not too sure what this guy’s kid going on a space mission has to do with him buying that car,” said local man Kurt Buckley, 41, adding that it was also “a pretty big stretch” to show the daughter pointing to the night sky from the luxury crossover’s backseat and then show a woman in her 20s attending a quantum physics lecture. “I have a daughter myself, but I’m still struggling to connect the dots between a teen girl jumping out of an SUV to run through a field with her friends and a rocket on the Kennedy Space Center launchpad counting down to blastoff. Sure, it tugs at the heartstrings a bit to see a father and daughter lying on the hood of a car and smiling as airplanes fly overhead—how could it not? I just don’t get how the hell his decision to lease a Lincoln Corsair for $337 a month factors into any of this.” Buckley went on to state that he wasn’t even sure he wanted his daughter to pursue a career as an astronaut, observing that it’s a long-shot job at best and, in any case, his 9-year-old loves animals and wants to be a marine biologist.


theonion--2020-10-01--L.A. Mayor Allocates $20 Million For Beautification Of City’s Sidewalk Residents

LOS ANGELES—Claiming the aging , decrepit eyesores have been long overdue for a refurbishment , Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti @ @ @ @ @ Thursday for the beautification of the city ’ s sidewalk residents .
“ Today , @ @ @ @ @ that I have secured funding to begin making visual improvements of our city ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Garcetti , explaining that , as part of the initiative , public workers would begin @ @ @ @ @ , a move that will greatly boost property values and tourism revenue in the community @ @ @ @ @ , Angelinos have been complaining about the sight of these dilapidated inhabitants , and the @ @ @ @ @ something about it .
It ’ s no longer enough to just try and hide @ @ @ @ @ use high-pressure hoses to remove them from our streets ; we need to make sure @ @ @ @ @ possible.
” At press time , Garcetti had donned a hardhat and was swinging a @ @ @ @ @ ramshackle sidewalk resident .

LOS ANGELES—Claiming the aging, decrepit eyesores have been long overdue for a refurbishment, Los Angeles mayor Eric Garcetti reportedly allocated $20 million Thursday for the beautification of the city’s sidewalk residents. “Today, I am proud to announce that I have secured funding to begin making visual improvements of our city’s sidewalk dwellers,” said Garcetti , explaining that, as part of the initiative, public workers would begin cleaning up the neglected denizens, a move that will greatly boost property values and tourism revenue in the community. “For too long, Angelinos have been complaining about the sight of these dilapidated inhabitants, and the time has come to do something about it. It’s no longer enough to just try and hide them under a tarp or use high-pressure hoses to remove them from our streets; we need to make sure they look as pleasing as possible.” At press time, Garcetti had donned a hardhat and was swinging a sledgehammer at a dangerous, ramshackle sidewalk resident.


theonion--2020-10-01--FiveThirtyEight Employees Scrambling To Jolt Nate Silver Awake After He Traveled Too Far Into Undeci

FiveThirtyEight Employees Scrambling To Jolt Nate Silver Awake After He Traveled Too Far Into Undecided Voter’s Mind

NEW YORK—Panicked FiveThirtyEight employees reportedly scrambled to jolt Nate Silver awake Thursday after the statistician traveled too far into an undecided voter ’ s mind while collecting data for the 2020 presidential election .
“ Nate , Nate—if you can hear me , you need to find a way out of this man ’ s temporal lobe now , because if you go any further into his voting history , you might not make it out alive , ” said Senior Computational Journalist Masha Sidorov , who screamed after the incapacitated statistician—attached via electrodes to a 65-year-old independent from West @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and bleed from his nose and ears .
“ Oh my God , he promised he was just going to do a quick scan for implicit attitudes , but he ’ s been in there for hours , coming in and out of consciousness to yell either ‘ Biden ’ or ‘ Trump.
’ Nate , the further you go , the harder it will be for you to remember how to get out—in less than five minutes , you could become an undecided voter yourself.
” At press time , several @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who had offered to go into the undecided voter ’ s mind and rescue Silver , after the statistician began to repeatedly scream “ Jill Stein ” and then flatlined .

NEW YORK—Panicked FiveThirtyEight employees reportedly scrambled to jolt Nate Silver awake Thursday after the statistician traveled too far into an undecided voter’s mind while collecting data for the 2020 presidential election. “Nate, Nate—if you can hear me, you need to find a way out of this man’s temporal lobe now, because if you go any further into his voting history, you might not make it out alive,” said Senior Computational Journalist Masha Sidorov, who screamed after the incapacitated statistician—attached via electrodes to a 65-year-old independent from West Virginia—began to seize up, shake uncontrollably, and bleed from his nose and ears. “Oh my God, he promised he was just going to do a quick scan for implicit attitudes, but he’s been in there for hours, coming in and out of consciousness to yell either ‘Biden’ or ‘Trump.’ Nate, the further you go, the harder it will be for you to remember how to get out—in less than five minutes, you could become an undecided voter yourself.” At press time, several FiveThirtyEight employees strapped down Geoffrey Skelley, who had offered to go into the undecided voter’s mind and rescue Silver, after the statistician began to repeatedly scream “Jill Stein” and then flatlined.


theonion--2020-10-01--Kamala Harris Admits She Only Supports Biden Because She Hates Trump

WASHINGTON— Calling the Democratic presidential nominee “ far from her first choice , ” Senator Kamala Harris reportedly admitted Thursday @ @ @ @ @ Biden because she hates Donald Trump .
“ I look at it this way—it ’ @ @ @ @ @ other guy , ” said Harris , who explained that despite accepting the Democratic vice @ @ @ @ @ ’ t yet ruled out running as the Green Party vice president since she lives @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Trump is the worst .
Biden is just okay .
I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m just not really thrilled , either .
I guess I ’ ll reluctantly @ @ @ @ @ campaign trail for Joe , but only to get Trump out of office .
Whatever @ @ @ @ @ stupid election to be over.
” At press time , Harris added her first choice @ @ @ @ @ been former South Bend , IN mayor Pete Buttigieg .

WASHINGTON— Calling the Democratic presidential nominee “far from her first choice,” Senator Kamala Harris reportedly admitted Thursday that she only supports Joe Biden because she hates Donald Trump. “I look at it this way—it’s either him or the other guy,” said Harris, who explained that despite accepting the Democratic vice presidential nomination, she hadn’t yet ruled out running as the Green Party vice president since she lives in a blue state anyway. “Trump is the worst. Biden is just okay. I don’t hate him, I’m just not really thrilled, either. I guess I’ll reluctantly drag my feet to the campaign trail for Joe, but only to get Trump out of office. Whatever. I just want this stupid election to be over.” At press time, Harris added her first choice for the nomination would have been former South Bend, IN mayor Pete Buttigieg.


theonion--2020-10-01--Lowe’s Unveils New Hide-A-House Disguised As Giant Plastic Boulder

MOORESVILLE , NC—Hailing the new product as a simple but effective home security solution , the hardware chain Lowe ’ s announced Thursday that stores would soon begin selling a device called the Hide-A-House , which allows a spacious , single-family dwelling to be disguised as a giant plastic boulder .
“ Hide-A-House lets you hide your home in plain sight by concealing it inside a large , gray-brown slab that is all but invisible when placed discreetly among landscaping , ” said Lowe ’ s spokesperson Maryanne Lopez , who noted that the 30-foot-tall molded poly-resin stone not only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ color of rocks commonly used around lawns and gardens , but was also 100 % weatherproof , ensuring the living spaces inside stayed dry .
“ Its natural look allows you to camouflage your house just about anywhere in your yard .
Only when you ’ re close enough to touch your Hide-A-House will you notice its slight difference in texture , so you won ’ t have to worry about it falling into the wrong hands .
Best of all , it ’ s easy to use : When you want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up the rock and crawl in.
” Lopez added that a Hide-A-House user who had friends visiting from out of town and wasn ’ t there to let them in could simply provide the guests with instructions on how to find the giant boulder .

MOORESVILLE, NC—Hailing the new product as a simple but effective home security solution, the hardware chain Lowe’s announced Thursday that stores would soon begin selling a device called the Hide-A-House, which allows a spacious, single-family dwelling to be disguised as a giant plastic boulder. “Hide-A-House lets you hide your home in plain sight by concealing it inside a large, gray-brown slab that is all but invisible when placed discreetly among landscaping,” said Lowe’s spokesperson Maryanne Lopez, who noted that the 30-foot-tall molded poly-resin stone not only blended in by matching the shape and color of rocks commonly used around lawns and gardens, but was also 100% weatherproof, ensuring the living spaces inside stayed dry. “Its natural look allows you to camouflage your house just about anywhere in your yard. Only when you’re close enough to touch your Hide-A-House will you notice its slight difference in texture, so you won’t have to worry about it falling into the wrong hands. Best of all, it’s easy to use: When you want to get into your house, just lift up the rock and crawl in.” Lopez added that a Hide-A-House user who had friends visiting from out of town and wasn’t there to let them in could simply provide the guests with instructions on how to find the giant boulder.


theonion--2020-10-01--Festive Corn Maze Misread By Aliens As Declaration Of Intergalactic War

SHAKOPEE , MN—Having spotted from a distance of many light years the elaborate series of twists and turns cut into a field of grain on Earth , an alien civilization reportedly found a message Thursday in a festive corn maze that , in the symbols of its own language , constituted a declaration of intergalactic war .
“ This unmistakable provocation from the denizens of sector MW42Ab9 must be met with immediate and overwhelming force , ” Emperor Gurnyynan of the Balvyyrian Galaxy said after viewing a five-dimensional telescopic image of Shakopee Apple Orchard ’ s seasonal , family-friendly attraction @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the universe and none shall be spared !
” in his native alphabet .
“ I hereby command every ship in the galactic fleet to lock targets on this planet !
We have no choice but to annihilate Earth before its inhabitants make good on their threat to kill us all .
The risk is simply too great , even if these beings appear , at the moment , to be trapped in a rather primitive labyrinth of their own devising.
” At press time , reports confirmed Gurnyynan had halted the launch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reconnaissance team returned home with a dozen of the Shakopee orchard ’ s world-famous apple-cider doughnuts .

SHAKOPEE, MN—Having spotted from a distance of many light years the elaborate series of twists and turns cut into a field of grain on Earth, an alien civilization reportedly found a message Thursday in a festive corn maze that, in the symbols of its own language, constituted a declaration of intergalactic war. “This unmistakable provocation from the denizens of sector MW42Ab9 must be met with immediate and overwhelming force,” Emperor Gurnyynan of the Balvyyrian Galaxy said after viewing a five-dimensional telescopic image of Shakopee Apple Orchard’s seasonal, family-friendly attraction, which read “We shall conquer the universe and none shall be spared!” in his native alphabet. “I hereby command every ship in the galactic fleet to lock targets on this planet! We have no choice but to annihilate Earth before its inhabitants make good on their threat to kill us all. The risk is simply too great, even if these beings appear, at the moment, to be trapped in a rather primitive labyrinth of their own devising.” At press time, reports confirmed Gurnyynan had halted the launch of a 170-petaton antigravity bomb after his reconnaissance team returned home with a dozen of the Shakopee orchard’s world-famous apple-cider doughnuts.


theonion--2020-10-01--Scientist Can’t Forgive Himself For Pressuring Mouse To Try Drugs For The First Time

ATLANTA—Expressing his deep regret for the effects of his past actions , scientist Gabriel Foster admitted to reporters Thursday that he can ’ t forgive himself for pressuring a young lab mouse to try drugs for the first time .
“ That mouse had its whole life ahead of it , and what did I do ?
I got it hooked on ketamine , ” said the Georgia Tech researcher , adding that he felt responsible after seeing the mouse reduced to a junkie living in a filthy cage and spending all of its time awaiting its next fix .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ for over half its lifetime and it ’ s all my fault .
If I could go back in time and stop myself from offering it ketamine , I would .
We were just doing a clinical trial , and I didn ’ t think it would hurt anyone , but I didn ’ t stop to ask myself whether slipping drugs to a young , impressionable mouse would have consequences.
” “ I mean , this is a mouse that used to be able to easily race through a maze , a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it won ’ t do anything unless it involves scoring drugs.
” added Foster , lamenting that he had ruined a bright future in neurological testing for the small rodent .
“ This was the smartest mouse I knew .
Now he just keeps pushing that button for more drugs .
He ’ s starving himself to death .
He had everything going for him .
What have I done ?
” The researcher , who admitted that he was struggling to sleep at night because he had “ blood on his hands @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had helped to tear apart the once- vibrant mouse community .
Foster added that he also couldn ’ t forgive himself for keeping quiet while the government continued to funnel drugs to his research facility despite their devastating effect on generations of lab mice populations .

ATLANTA—Expressing his deep regret for the effects of his past actions, scientist Gabriel Foster admitted to reporters Thursday that he can’t forgive himself for pressuring a young lab mouse to try drugs for the first time.
“That mouse had its whole life ahead of it, and what did I do? I got it hooked on ketamine,” said the Georgia Tech researcher, adding that he felt responsible after seeing the mouse reduced to a junkie living in a filthy cage and spending all of its time awaiting its next fix. “It’s been an addict for over half its lifetime and it’s all my fault. If I could go back in time and stop myself from offering it ketamine, I would. We were just doing a clinical trial, and I didn’t think it would hurt anyone, but I didn’t stop to ask myself whether slipping drugs to a young, impressionable mouse would have consequences.”
Advertisement
“I mean, this is a mouse that used to be able to easily race through a maze, a mouse that fathered children, and now it won’t do anything unless it involves scoring drugs.” added Foster, lamenting that he had ruined a bright future in neurological testing for the small rodent. “This was the smartest mouse I knew. Now he just keeps pushing that button for more drugs. He’s starving himself to death. He had everything going for him. What have I done?”
The researcher, who admitted that he was struggling to sleep at night because he had “blood on his hands,” expressed remorse that his conduct had helped to tear apart the once- vibrant mouse community.
Advertisement Advertisement
Foster added that he also couldn’t forgive himself for keeping quiet while the government continued to funnel drugs to his research facility despite their devastating effect on generations of lab mice populations.


theonion--2020-10-01--Local Residents Express Concern Over Homeless Shelter Being Built On Their Planet

Hear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit ’ s plan to build a new homeless @ @ @ @ @ to the planet ’ s many schools , homes , and parks .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why citizens across the globe are displeased with a local nonprofit’s plan to build a new homeless shelter in such close proximity to the planet’s many schools, homes, and parks.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-01--Amnesty International Halts Work In India

Amnesty International said it would cease operations in India following years of harassment and retaliation by the government , including @ @ @ @ @ ’ s bank accounts and interrogating staff members .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ ve learned to just stay out of human rights abuses.
” “ Well , I @ @ @ @ @ countries with problems.
” “ To be fair , I wouldn ’ t want them @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Amnesty International said it would cease operations in India following years of harassment and retaliation by the government, including freezing the human rights organization’s bank accounts and interrogating staff members. What do you think?
“This is why I’ve learned to just stay out of human rights abuses.” Kim Troop • Wildlife Coroner
“Well, I wish them luck finding other countries with problems.” Doug Collier • Assistant Housekeeper
Advertisement


theonion--2020-10-02--Report: This Article Successfully Pads Out Content Quota

CHICAGO—According to a new report released Friday , this article , the one you are currently reading , has successfully padded out The Onion ’ s daily content quota and is expected to help generate the minimum level of web traffic necessary to keep the publication financially viable .
“ All indicators suggest this article will fulfill its purpose as a piece of filler content written with the express purpose of meeting the day ’ s minimum publishing requirements , ” the report read in part , adding that the ar ticle is completely devoid of editorial value , contributes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ serves no purpose beyond increasing ad impressions on the website .
“ While this won ’ t be The Onion ’ s highest-performing article of the day , it should nonetheless boost the click-through rate and , by doing so , keep the lights on a bit longer .
Media-focused articles such as this have a niche audience , but with the addition of SEO keywords like “ late capitalism , ” “ Harry and Meghan , ” and “ TikTok challenge , ” it should deliver numbers just high enough to justify @ @ @ @ @ @ @ noting that the bottom of the barrel has now been scraped , there are no stories prepared for tomorrow , and it might be best to start the morning off with a slideshow of past favorites .

CHICAGO—According to a new report released Friday, this article, the one you are currently reading, has successfully padded out The Onion’s daily content quota and is expected to help generate the minimum level of web traffic necessary to keep the publication financially viable. “All indicators suggest this article will fulfill its purpose as a piece of filler content written with the express purpose of meeting the day’s minimum publishing requirements,” the report read in part, adding that the ar ticle is completely devoid of editorial value, contributes nothing to the public discourse, and serves no purpose beyond increasing ad impressions on the website. “While this won’t be The Onion’s highest-performing article of the day, it should nonetheless boost the click-through rate and, by doing so, keep the lights on a bit longer. Media-focused articles such as this have a niche audience, but with the addition of SEO keywords like “late capitalism,” “Harry and Meghan,” and “TikTok challenge,” it should deliver numbers just high enough to justify its existence.” The report concluded by noting that the bottom of the barrel has now been scraped, there are no stories prepared for tomorrow, and it might be best to start the morning off with a slideshow of past favorites.


theonion--2020-10-02--Area Dad Just Sort Of Assumed He Could Build Treehouse

SUPERIOR , CO—Standing amid a pile of lumber and an assortment of tools while his disappointed children looked on , area dad Justin Morse admitted to reporters Friday that he just sort of assumed he could build a treehouse .
“ The kids wanted a treehouse so I told them I ’ d build one , and I guess I figured that I inherently knew how to do it , ” said Morse , adding that while he had no practical experience building things or even basic woodworking skills , he always figured that a treehouse was a straightforward thing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couple hours .
“ I got some lumber from Home Depot and I bought a new power drill and assumed that would be good , but I actually don ’ t know the first thing about how to assemble the damn thing .
Do you put it together on the ground ?
How do you get it into the tree ?
I have a pretty sturdy ladder , but there seem to be some other things I would need .
I hammered some wood together to make part of a wall , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how to connect the pieces together to make the full structure .
Plus , how do you make a roof ?
This is way more confusing than I ever thought it would be.
” At press time , Morse asked his children whether they wouldn ’ t be just as happy w ith a playhouse made from a refrigerator box .

SUPERIOR, CO—Standing amid a pile of lumber and an assortment of tools while his disappointed children looked on, area dad Justin Morse admitted to reporters Friday that he just sort of assumed he could build a treehouse. “The kids wanted a treehouse so I told them I’d build one, and I guess I figured that I inherently knew how to do it,” said Morse, adding that while he had no practical experience building things or even basic woodworking skills, he always figured that a treehouse was a straightforward thing that anyone could just construct in a couple hours. “I got some lumber from Home Depot and I bought a new power drill and assumed that would be good, but I actually don’t know the first thing about how to assemble the damn thing. Do you put it together on the ground? How do you get it into the tree? I have a pretty sturdy ladder, but there seem to be some other things I would need. I hammered some wood together to make part of a wall, but I realized I don’t know how to connect the pieces together to make the full structure. Plus, how do you make a roof? This is way more confusing than I ever thought it would be.” At press time, Morse asked his children whether they wouldn’t be just as happy w ith a playhouse made from a refrigerator box.


theonion--2020-10-02--‘The Onion’ Investigates Who In The White House Has Potentially Been Exposed To Coronavirus

Reports that President Donald Trump tested positive for Covid-19 following days of meetings , fundraisers , and a presidential election debate are giving rise to speculation that some of his advisors and confidants may also be infected .
The Onion investigates who in the White House has potentially been exposed to coronavirus .
Donald Trump Jr. : His propensity to be spit on by his father places him at increased risk of transmission .
Stephen Miller : Exposure unlikely since the entire White House staff has maintained at least six feet of distance from him since Trump ’ s inauguration @ @ @ @ @ @ @ exposed while listening in on Trump ’ s conversations behind a curtain in the Oval Office .
Kimberly Guilfoyle : High likelihood she contracted the virus after stripping nude and forcing Jared Kushner to massage her feet .
Robert O ’ Brien : Reports suggest the National Security Advisor repeatedly ignored credible threats that the coronavirus was planning an attack on the United States .
Michael Vegas : Having no contact with Trump , Hope Hicks , or any of the White House staff , pornographic actor Michael Vegas is likely safe from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : Trump ’ s loyal advisor has fallen in line by licking all the Oval Office surfaces in an attempt to contract the virus .
White House Press Corps : Journalists may have been exposed to Covid-19 through the virus-tainted air pumped daily into the press briefing room .
Ivanka Trump : Just think , who has the most to gain from the death of the Trump patriarch ?
Who ’ s next in line for the throne ?
Not making any accusations , but just saying it ’ s worth thinking about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s chief of staff has approximately 0 % chance of contracting the virus as it does not exist and poses no threat to the American people .

Reports that President Donald Trump tested positive for Covid-19 following days of meetings, fundraisers, and a presidential election debate are giving rise to speculation that some of his advisors and confidants may also be infected. The Onion investigates who in the White House has potentially been exposed to coronavirus.
Donald Trump Jr.: His propensity to be spit on by his father places him at increased risk of transmission.
Advertisement
Stephen Miller: Exposure unlikely since the entire White House staff has maintained at least six feet of distance from him since Trump’s inauguration.
Barack Obama: May have been exposed while listening in on Trump’s conversations behind a curtain in the Oval Office.
Advertisement Advertisement
Kimberly Guilfoyle: High likelihood she contracted the virus after stripping nude and forcing Jared Kushner to massage her feet.
Robert O’Brien: Reports suggest the National Security Advisor repeatedly ignored credible threats that the coronavirus was planning an attack on the United States.
Advertisement
Michael Vegas: Having no contact with Trump, Hope Hicks, or any of the White House staff, pornographic actor Michael Vegas is likely safe from the outbreak for now.
Jared Kushner: Trump’s loyal advisor has fallen in line by licking all the Oval Office surfaces in an attempt to contract the virus.
Advertisement
White House Press Corps: Journalists may have been exposed to Covid-19 through the virus-tainted air pumped daily into the press briefing room.
Ivanka Trump: Just think, who has the most to gain from the death of the Trump patriarch? Who’s next in line for the throne? Not making any accusations, but just saying it’s worth thinking about, you know?
Advertisement
Mark Meadows: Trump’s chief of staff has approximately 0% chance of contracting the virus as it does not exist and poses no threat to the American people.


theonion--2020-10-02--Nation’s Bland, Ineffectual White Supremacists Waiting For Signal From Pence

WASHINGTON—Ready to spring into action at a moment ’ s notice , the nation ’ s bland , ineffectual white supremacists confirmed Friday they were just waiting for the signal from Vice President Mike Pence .
“ Just give us the word , and we ’ ll shake our heads while murmuring , ‘ This country isn ’ t what it used to be , ’ ” said 41-year-old father of three Thomas Strom , who spoke on behalf of the country ’ s millions of milquetoast white nationalists , warning they were mobilized at their dinner tables , living @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Vice President Pence , we ’ re fully prepared to complain about virtue signaling on our Facebook accounts and harrumph behind strangers in line at the grocery store .
We ’ re poised to roll our eyes when someone brings up Spanish class at the next PTA meeting and stare at the minorities at the gas station .
You can count on us , sir .
We have your back.
” At press time , the nation ’ s bland white supremacists had frantically scrambled in all directions after a Black @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice, the nation’s bland, ineffectual white supremacists confirmed Friday they were just waiting for the signal from Vice President Mike Pence. “Just give us the word, and we’ll shake our heads while murmuring, ‘This country isn’t what it used to be,’” said 41-year-old father of three Thomas Strom, who spoke on behalf of the country’s millions of milquetoast white nationalists, warning they were mobilized at their dinner tables, living room couches, and desktop computer keyboards. “Vice President Pence, we’re fully prepared to complain about virtue signaling on our Facebook accounts and harrumph behind strangers in line at the grocery store. We’re poised to roll our eyes when someone brings up Spanish class at the next PTA meeting and stare at the minorities at the gas station. You can count on us, sir. We have your back.” At press time, the nation’s bland white supremacists had frantically scrambled in all directions after a Black man looked at them.


theonion--2020-10-02--Hope Hicks Exhausted After Another Day Packed Full Of Meetings

WASHINGTON—Saying she barely had time to catch her breath after traveling around Washington for almost 10 hours straight , White House senior counselor Hope Hicks confided to reporters Friday that she was exhausted after another day packed full of meetings .
“ There was the regular White House briefings where all the senior advisors cram into the room , of course , and then after that I had to go across the city to meet Senator Lindsey Graham for lunch , ” said a worn-out Hicks , adding that she had just managed to squeeze in a last-minute meeting with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to look over some upcoming scheduling related to President Trump ’ s reelection campaign before meeting with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and top House Democrats about a potential new stimulus bill .
“ I ’ ve had the sniffles all day , and I feel much more tired than usual , but hey , that ’ s Fridays for you .
The afternoon meeting with [ Trump advisors ] Jared Kushner , Steven Miller , and D an Scavino went on longer than I expected , and my head was pulsing , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I had enough gas left in the tank to swing by a D.C. bar where I met up with some journalists for one of our little off-the-record conversations , although I certainly didn ’ t have my A game when I bumped into [ Senate majority leader ] Mitch McConnell on my way out .
I just hope everyone at choir practice didn ’ t notice how tired I looked.
” Hicks told reporters that she just hoped to get a good night ’ s sleep so she could be ready for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sick veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center .

WASHINGTON—Saying she barely had time to catch her breath after traveling around Washington for almost 10 hours straight, White House senior counselor Hope Hicks confided to reporters Friday that she was exhausted after another day packed full of meetings. “There was the regular White House briefings where all the senior advisors cram into the room, of course, and then after that I had to go across the city to meet Senator Lindsey Graham for lunch,” said a worn-out Hicks, adding that she had just managed to squeeze in a last-minute meeting with White House chief of staff Mark Meadows to look over some upcoming scheduling related to President Trump’s reelection campaign before meeting with Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and top House Democrats about a potential new stimulus bill. “I’ve had the sniffles all day, and I feel much more tired than usual, but hey, that’s Fridays for you. The afternoon meeting with [Trump advisors] Jared Kushner, Steven Miller, and Dan Scavino went on longer than I expected, and my head was pulsing, but I managed to power through it. I had enough gas left in the tank to swing by a D.C. bar where I met up with some journalists for one of our little off-the-record conversations, although I certainly didn’t have my A game when I bumped into [Senate majority leader] Mitch McConnell on my way out. I just hope everyone at choir practice didn’t notice how tired I looked.” Hicks told reporters that she just hoped to get a good night’s sleep so she could be ready for a Saturday morning visit to a group of sick veterans at Walter Reed Army Medical Center.


theonion--2020-10-02--Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19

NEW YORK—After undergoing tests to rule out the possibility of coronavirus infection , sources close to Rudy Giuliani confirmed Friday that the attorney tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases completely unrelated to Covid-19 .
“ As of now , we have confirmed 27 diseases and counting inside Mr. Giuliani , many of which experts have only previously seen as communicable from bat to bat , ” said Dr. Allen Ellis , physician for the former New York City mayor , adding that a team of archaeobiologists from Harvard University who specialize in rare mammalian diseases discovered high levels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ While definitely suffering from more common bat-to-person transmissions like rabies , ticks , and histoplasmosis , Mr. Giuliani has also somehow contracted vespertilioma—a long-eradicated bat cancer researchers haven ’ t seen since a very unusual case in Germany in 1903 .
He also has the bat version of diabetes .
A number of these viruses are only sexually transmitted between bats , so this is extremely concerning .
An especially interesting contagion located inside Mr. Giuliani ’ s chest is linked to the only known fossilized remains of a rare Tibetan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the inscription ‘ kha rdung pho wang , ’ roughly translating to ‘ curse of the small winged mammal.
’ ” At press time , Dr. Ellis was struggling to make sense of an abdominal scan of Giuliani , which appeared to show six live bats living comfortably inside his liver .

NEW YORK—After undergoing tests to rule out the possibility of coronavirus infection, sources close to Rudy Giuliani confirmed Friday that the attorney tested positive for several dozen obscure bat diseases completely unrelated to Covid-19. “As of now, we have confirmed 27 diseases and counting inside Mr. Giuliani, many of which experts have only previously seen as communicable from bat to bat,” said Dr. Allen Ellis, physician for the former New York City mayor, adding that a team of archaeobiologists from Harvard University who specialize in rare mammalian diseases discovered high levels of guano in Giuliani’s blood. “While definitely suffering from more common bat-to-person transmissions like rabies, ticks, and histoplasmosis, Mr. Giuliani has also somehow contracted vespertilioma—a long-eradicated bat cancer researchers haven’t seen since a very unusual case in Germany in 1903. He also has the bat version of diabetes. A number of these viruses are only sexually transmitted between bats, so this is extremely concerning. An especially interesting contagion located inside Mr. Giuliani’s chest is linked to the only known fossilized remains of a rare Tibetan bat species, which was buried with the inscription ‘kha rdung pho wang,’ roughly translating to ‘curse of the small winged mammal.’” At press time, Dr. Ellis was struggling to make sense of an abdominal scan of Giuliani, which appeared to show six live bats living comfortably inside his liver.


theonion--2020-10-02--Irish Court Rules Subway Bread Does Not Meet Legal Definition Of Bread

The Irish Supreme Court has ruled that the loaves used to make Subway sandwiches contain too much sugar to meet @ @ @ @ @ definition of bread , and therefore does not qualify for a 0 % tax rate @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Plenty of things don ’ t meet the legal @ @ @ @ @ focus on thi s one ?
” “ To be fair , bread ’ s @ @ @ @ @ s still figuring it out .
”

The Irish Supreme Court has ruled that the loaves used to make Subway sandwiches contain too much sugar to meet the country’s legal definition of bread, and therefore does not qualify for a 0% tax rate like other staple foods. What do you think?
“Plenty of things don’t meet the legal definition of bread, why focus on thi s one?” Eustace Ford, Unemployed
“I never order a hoagie without seeing certification paperwork first.” Natalie Bryant, Stanchion Raiser
Advertisement


theonion--2020-10-02--Study: Pitbull Owners 10 Times More Likely To Bite Pedestrians Than Owners Of Other Dog Breeds

New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners , on average , tend to be more aggressive and @ @ @ @ @ shepherds or rottweilers .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

New data today is backing up claims that pitbull owners, on average, tend to be more aggressive and territorial than owners of German shepherds or rottweilers.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-05--Small Town Ravished By Alejandro

Small Town Ravished By Alejandro

We have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago , sweeping hundreds of men and @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

We have the latest on the hot-blooded heartthrob that made landfall two days ago, sweeping hundreds of men and women off their feet.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more


theonion--2020-10-05--Everything Is RUINED: Deborah Just Scheduled Her Video Game Expo For The Same Time As Ours Even Thou

Everything Is RUINED: Deborah Just Scheduled Her Video Game Expo For The Same Time As Ours Even Though We Already Opened Our Doors And Her Rich Parents Are Hiring Bobby Flay

Goddamnit , gamers .
We don ’ t know if you heard , but apparently , we aren ’ t allowed to have even one nice thing without it being destroyed by that backstabbing bitch Deborah Hart .
In fact , we here at OGN might as well cancel our entire Onion Gaming Expo because even though we already sent out invites to our conference and people are showing up , Deborah scheduled her video game expo for the exact same time as ours and her rich parents are hiring Bobby Flay to cook hors d ’ oeuvres .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now , readers !
What makes this even worse is that we know for a fact that Deborah never even wanted to hold a video game conference before she heard about ours .
We were nice enough to suggest that she come to OGE like a week after we had the idea , and she just said , “ Oh yeah , maybe.
” But now she ’ s invited all the same people that were on our guest list and got American celebrity chef Bobby Flay himself to put together little finger @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re still stuck trying to get Mangiano ’ s House of Pizza to donat e some free bread sticks and soda .
We can ’ t help but think this is all a lot of horseshit , gamers .
After the months of hard work we put into OGE , Deborah just up and throws her own bash o n the first weekend of August ?
There ’ s no way that ’ s a coincidence .
Plus , we can ’ t do anything to upstage her because her parents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and can afford to hire culinary master Bobby Flay and rent out a karaoke machine to play 8 -bit versions of pop songs for the whole night .
Meanwhile , we all had to get part-time jobs to pay for the streamers that we picked up at Party City .
Also , Deborah gets an allowance of $ 300 a week just for sweeping the kitchen , but she makes their housekeeper do it most of the time anyway , and she ’ s not even spending any of that money on her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s be real : Deborah isn ’ t even an actual gamer— she ’ s just doing this because she likes that guy Brock on the varsity basketball team and she knows he ’ s into video games .
Sure , Deborah ’ s family has a Nintendo Switch and she plays Animal Crossing : New Horizons sometimes , but that ’ s not enough to explain a sudden interest in having thousands of people flock to a rented-out convention center for a whole five-day gaming extravaganza featuring a chef extraordinaire with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s just like the time she debuted her own Portal 2 demo impressions right before we did so people would vote for her for homecoming queen .
Then again , we all know why more people might show up to Deb orah ’ s thing .
She ’ s easy .
Like , really easy .
Yeah , we said it .
And we ’ re sure that Bobby Flay would much rather come to our conference if he knew all the rumors about Deborah giving out handjobs in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ free beer .
She ’ s also totally flat and stuffs her bra , but you didn ’ t hear that from us , gamers .
Alright , well , we guess we ’ re just going to go about our business and try to have a good time despite stupid Deborah destroying everything we worked so hard on .
Whatever .
Who even cares ?

Goddamnit, gamers. We don’t know if you heard, but apparently, we aren’t allowed to have even one nice thing without it being destroyed by that backstabbing bitch Deborah Hart. In fact, we here at OGN might as well cancel our entire Onion Gaming Expo because even though we already sent out invites to our conference and people are showing up, Deborah scheduled her video game expo for the exact same time as ours and her rich parents are hiring Bobby Flay to cook hors d’oeuvres.
We seriously just want to kill ourselves right now, readers!
What makes this even worse is that we know for a fact that Deborah never even wanted to hold a video game conference before she heard about ours. We were nice enough to suggest that she come to OGE like a week after we had the idea, and she just said, “Oh yeah, maybe.” But now she’s invited all the same people that were on our guest list and got American celebrity chef Bobby Flay himself to put together little finger sandwiches and lamb kebab lollipops, while we’re still stuck trying to get Mangiano’s House of Pizza to donat e some free bread sticks and soda.
Advertisement
We can’t help but think this is all a lot of horseshit, gamers. After the months of hard work we put into OGE, Deborah just up and throws her own bash o n the first weekend of August? There’s no way that’s a coincidence. Plus, we can’t do anything to upstage her because her parents are executives at Wells Fargo or something and can afford to hire culinary master Bobby Flay and rent out a karaoke machine to play 8 -bit versions of pop songs for the whole night. Meanwhile, we all had to get part-time jobs to pay for the streamers that we picked up at Party City. Also, Deborah gets an allowance of $300 a week just for sweeping the kitchen, but she makes their housekeeper do it most of the time anyway, and she’s not even spending any of that money on her video game expo!
Look, let’s be real: Deborah isn’t even an actual gamer— she’s just doing this because she likes that guy Brock on the varsity basketball team and she knows he’s into video games. Sure, Deborah’s family has a Nintendo Switch and she plays Animal Crossing: New Horizons sometimes, but that’s not enough to explain a sudden interest in having thousands of people flock to a rented-out convention center for a whole five-day gaming extravaganza featuring a chef extraordinaire with his own show on the Food Network.
Advertisement Advertisement
It’s just like the time she debuted her own Portal 2 demo impressions right before we did so people would vote for her for homecoming queen.
Then again, we all know why more people might show up to Deb orah’s thing. She’s easy. Like, really easy. Yeah, we said it. And we’re sure that Bobby Flay would much rather come to our conference if he knew all the rumors about Deborah giving out handjobs in the Golden Corral parking lot in exchange for free beer. She’s also totally flat and stuffs her bra, but you didn’t hear that from us, gamers.
Advertisement
Alright, well, we guess we’re just going to go about our business and try to have a good time despite stupid Deborah destroying everything we worked so hard on. Whatever. Who even cares?
Ugh.


theonion--2020-10-05--Virtual Tour Of The OGE Conference

Virtual Tour Of The OGE Conference

With the kickoff to our first-ever gaming convention just hours away , we know gamers are literally pounding at the @ @ @ @ @ Zweibel Convention Center and get a gander at the treasures that lie within .
Thanks @ @ @ @ @ reality , we can give you a sneak peek at exactly what attending the Onion @ @ @ @ @ all about .
Click on to delve into our gaming utopia .

With the kickoff to our first-ever gaming convention just hours away, we know gamers are literally pounding at the doors to get inside the Zweibel Convention Center and get a gander at the treasures that lie within. Thanks to the wonders of virtual reality, we can give you a sneak peek at exactly what attending the Onion Gamer’s Expo is all about. Click on to delve into our gaming utopia.


theonion--2020-10-05--Major Letdown: Todd Howard Was Just About To Announce The Next ‘Elder Scrolls’ When A Huge Rat Pulle

Major Letdown: Todd Howard Was Just About To Announce The Next ‘Elder Scrolls’ When A Huge Rat Pulled Him Down Into Some Reeds And Now Everything Is Eerily Still

We hate to be the bringer of bad news , gamers , but looks like we ’ ve got to report a pretty huge letdown coming out of the Onion Gaming Expo today : Todd Howard was just about to announce new details about the latest entry in the Elder Scrolls series when a huge rat pulled him down into some reeds , and now everything is eerily still .
In what will come as a major disappointment for fans of the popular high-fantasy RPG , the prolific game developer had just stepped on stage and uttered the words , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” when a truly massive rat—we ’ re talking , like , the size of a dalmatian , we swear to God—just leaped up from out of nowhere and dragged the screaming Bethesda executive producer into the murky depths .
There was some thrashing around for a while , but it ended very , very quickly .
Sadly , it looks like we ’ re just going to have to continue to wait to hear about the forthcoming adventures on the continent Tamriel since after the brief sounds of a struggle , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t even any bubbles escaping from the surface anymore .
It ’ s just the trickling of the water and whisper of the wind outside .
We didn ’ t even know rats could get that big .
Jesus Christ .
While it ’ s undoubtedly a bummer that we didn ’ t glean so much as a release date or confirmation about the subtitle of the hotly anticipated sixth title in the Elder Scrolls series , this sudden and violent incident at the Expo serves as a good reminder that life @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Stay tuned , gamers , we ’ ll keep reporting all the latest news from OGE , but right now we ’ re so shaken up that we ’ re just going to stand here for a little while longer listening to the wind and the croak of frogs until the fog lifts .

We hate to be the bringer of bad news, gamers, but looks like we’ve got to report a pretty huge letdown coming out of the Onion Gaming Expo today: Todd Howard was just about to announce new details about the latest entry in the Elder Scrolls series when a huge rat pulled him down into some reeds, and now everything is eerily still.
In what will come as a major disappointment for fans of the popular high-fantasy RPG, the prolific game developer had just stepped on stage and uttered the words, “I’m thrilled to announce, ” when a truly massive rat—we’re talking, like, the size of a dalmatian, we swear to God—just leaped up from out of nowhere and dragged the screaming Bethesda executive producer into the murky depths. There was some thrashing around for a while, but it ended very, very quickly.
Advertisement
Sadly, it looks like we’re just going to have to continue to wait to hear about the forthcoming adventures on the continent Tamriel since after the brief sounds of a struggle, everything is completely silent. There aren’t even any bubbles escaping from the surface anymore. It’s just the trickling of the water and whisper of the wind outside.
We didn’t even know rats could get that big. Jesus Christ.
While it’s undoubtedly a bummer that we didn’t glean so much as a release date or confirmation about the subtitle of the hotly anticipated sixth title in the Elder Scrolls series, this sudden and violent incident at the Expo serves as a good reminder that life is a fragile and truly precious thing. Stay tuned, gamers, we’ll keep reporting all the latest news from OGE, but right now we’re so shaken up that we’re just going to stand here for a little while longer listening to the wind and the croak of frogs until the fog lifts.


theonion--2020-10-05--British Zoo Separates Parrots Caught Swearing At Visitors

A zoo in England has separated and removed from public view five African grey parrots after the birds were found @ @ @ @ @ each other .
What do you think ?
“ You can ’ t blame a @ @ @ @ @ which guests are bitches.
” “ Zoos are depressing enough as it is when you @ @ @ @ @ by birds.
” “ Okay , but remember it ’ s not as bad when @ @ @ @ @ cunt .
’ ”

A zoo in England has separated and removed from public view five African grey parrots after the birds were found repeatedly swearing at visitors and each other. What do you think?
“You can’t blame a wild animal for not knowing which guests are bitches.” Mike Hendry • Systems Analyst
“Zoos are depressing enough as it is when you aren’t getting owned by birds.” Josiah DeVault • Wheelbarrow Mechanic
Advertisement


theonion--2020-10-05--Disney’s ‘Hocus Pocus’ Takes Second Place At Weekend Box Office 27 Years After Release

Nearly three decades after it was released , the Halloween cult classic Hocus Pocus starring Bette Midler , Sarah Jessica @ @ @ @ @ earned $ 1.9 million in ticket sales this weekend , outperforming several new releases .
@ @ @ @ @

Nearly three decades after it was released, the Halloween cult classic Hocus Pocus starring Bette Midler, Sarah Jessica Parker, and Kathy Najimy earned $1.9 million in ticket sales this weekend, outperforming several new releases. What do you think?
“Never underes timate the public’s appetite for Kathy Najimy.” Kenny Likowski • Unemployed
“Anything to avoid seeing Tenet.” Cecilie Pickman • Shark Coordinator
Advertisement


theonion--2020-10-05--Doctors Concerned President Administering Own Care After Noticing Trepanation Holes In Trump’s Skull

WASHINGTON—Medical experts expressed concern Monday that President Donald Trump was administering his own Covid -19 care after noticing trepanation holes in the commander in chief ’ s skull .
“ While I respect the entire team at Walter Reed , I feel they have lost control of their patient by allowing President Trump to drill holes in his cranium to exorcise the evil spirits making him sick , ” said Dr. Lisa Lee , professor of pathology at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine , adding that treating high-profile patients like Trump can be difficult , especially when they believe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ must be released to end their Covid -19 symptoms .
“ As a doctor , it ’ s important to listen to your patients , but permitting the President of the United States to inject himself with a tincture of mercury and stick an ice pick through his forehead is just reckless .
Oftentimes , stubborn patients like Trump think they can open up their brain themselves and ensure their blood , phlegm , yellow bile , and black bile are in perfect harmony when really , that is not the case.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ concern a fter Trump released a video showing him covered in leeches and receiving an infusion of horse blood for strength .

WASHINGTON—Medical experts expressed concern Monday that President Donald Trump was administering his own Covid -19 care after noticing trepanation holes in the commander in chief’s skull. “While I respect the entire team at Walter Reed, I feel they have lost control of their patient by allowing President Trump to drill holes in his cranium to exorcise the evil spirits making him sick,” said Dr. Lisa Lee, professor of pathology at Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine, adding that treating high-profile patients like Trump can be difficult, especially when they believe that demons have inhabited their soul and must be released to end their Covid -19 symptoms. “As a doctor, it’s important to listen to your patients, but permitting the President of the United States to inject himself with a tincture of mercury and stick an ice pick through his forehead is just reckless. Oftentimes, stubborn patients like Trump think they can open up their brain themselves and ensure their blood, phlegm, yellow bile, and black bile are in perfect harmony when really, that is not the case.” At press time, physicians expressed greater concern a fter Trump released a video showing him covered in leeches and receiving an infusion of horse blood for strength.


theonion--2020-10-05--Trump Supporters Fighting Over Used Tissues President Tossed From SUV

BETHESDA , MD—Clawing at each other as they grabbed up his discarded , mucus-filled wipings , supporters of President Donald @ @ @ @ @ used facial tissues he tossed from his SUV Sunday as his motorcade passed by outside @ @ @ @ @ Center .
“ Fuck you , that one ’ s mine !
” said Lewis @ @ @ @ @ well-wisher who was seen exchanging blows with other Trump fans as they brawled in the @ @ @ @ @ one of the dozen or so crumpled-up and fully saturated tissues .
“ Give it @ @ @ @ @ at me when he threw it out .
I was standing right here waiting to @ @ @ @ @ coughing fit , and then you swooped in at the last second and stole it @ @ @ @ @ emerged from the struggle with a tissue to take home , a visibly excited Reynolds @ @ @ @ @ preserving it for posterity and was “ never going to wash [ his ] hands @ @ @

BETHESDA, MD—Clawing at each other as they grabbed up his discarded, mucus-filled wipings, supporters of President Donald Trump reportedly fought over the used facial tissues he tossed from his SUV Sunday as his motorcade passed by outside Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. “Fuck you, that one’s mine!” said Lewis Reynolds, a 33-year-old presidential well-wisher who was seen exchanging blows with other Trump fans as they brawled in the street to secure possession of one of the dozen or so crumpled-up and fully saturated tissues. “Give it back! He was looking at me when he threw it out. I was standing right here waiting to catch it during his whole coughing fit, and then you swooped in at the last second and stole it from me!” Having emerged from the struggle with a tissue to take home, a visibly excited Reynolds told reporters he would be preserving it for posterity and was “never going to wash [his] hands again!”


theonion--2020-10-05--Pope Denies Audience With Pompeo Citing Election

A Vatican spokesperson has confirmed that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will not be granted an audience with Pope Francis @ @ @ @ @ , citing the Holy See ’ s long-standing custom of not meeting with political figures @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ It ’ s a sign of the times we live @ @ @ @ @ secretary of state is considered a political figure .
”

A Vatican spokesperson has confirmed that Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will not be granted an audience with Pope Francis during his trip to Rome, citing the Holy See’s long-standing custom of not meeting with political figures ahead of elections. What do you think?
“Good. I don’t want Pompeo influencing his vote.” Sandra Flanegan • Systems Analyst
“It’s a sign of the times we live in that now even the secretary of state is considered a political figure.” Nick Spector • Hoagie Enthusiast
Advertisement