theonion--2020-02-28--Myth Vs. Fact: Stop-And-Frisk Policy

Myth Vs. Fact: Stop-And-Frisk Policy

Michael Bloomberg ’ s Democratic presidential candidacy has shown the spotlight on stop-and-frisk policing policies , which he supported while @ @ @ @ @ which remain a subject of controversy .
The Onion debunks well-known myths about stop-and-frisk .
@ @ @ @ @ way of knowing if targeting minorities was fair or not until they frisked them .
@ @ @ @ @ of cops have read the Constitution .
FACT : He merely agreed with it , @ @ @ @ @ for over a decade , and fought against its removal .
MYTH : Stop-and-frisk has @ @ @ @ @ over 100 years with unbeatable deals on everything from fresh produce to tasty snacks .
@ @ @ @ @ quotas to fulfill .
FACT : How can you quantify an officer ’ s need @ @ @ @ @ ?
FACT : They just don ’ t have a name for it now .
@ @ @ @ @ failed program that disproportionately affected people of color .
FACT : The program worked exactly @ @ @

Michael Bloomberg’s Democratic presidential candidacy has shown the spotlight on stop-and-frisk policing policies, which he supported while New York City mayor and which remain a subject of controversy. The Onion debunks well-known myths about stop-and-frisk.
MYTH: Black people and Latinos were unfairly targeted.
FACT: Police had no way of knowing if targeting minorities was fair or not until they frisked them.
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MYTH: NYPD officers knowingly violated citizens’ constitutional rights.
FACT: Only a handful of cops have read the Constitution.
MYTH: Bloomberg invented stop-and-frisk.
FACT: He merely agreed with it, significantly ramped up its use for over a decade, and fought against its removal.
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MYTH: Stop-and-frisk has served Greater New York for over 100 years with unbeatable deals on everything from fresh produce to tasty snacks.
FACT: That’s Stop & Shop.
MYTH: Stop-and-frisk makes New York citizens feel safer.
FACT: Stop-and-frisk makes Midwestern tourists feel safer.
MYTH: Officers were given quotas to fulfill.
FACT: How can you quantify an officer’s need to feel strong and powerful?
MYTH: The program ended in 2013.
FACT: They just don’t have a name for it now.
MYTH: It was a failed program that disproportionately affected people of color.
FACT: The program worked exactly as intended.


theonion--2020-03-02--Weighted Blanket Sure To Succeed Where CBD, Salt Lamp, Oil Diffuser, Acupressure Mat, Bath Bombs, An

Weighted Blanket Sure To Succeed Where CBD, Salt Lamp, Oil Diffuser, Acupressure Mat, Bath Bombs, And White Noise Machine Failed

CEDAR RAPIDS , IA—Expressing relief that her new purchase would finally help her get a more restful night ’ s sleep , area woman Wanda Armonson confirmed Friday that her weighted blanket was sure to succeed where CBD , a salt lamp , an oil diffuser , an acupressure mat , bath bombs , and a white noise machine had previously failed .
“ It really didn ’ t work out with the valerian root , blue light filter , cooling gel eye mask , knee pillows , scented candles , or humidifier , so I ’ m looking forward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ job done , ” said Armonson , telling reporters that the new blanket would be a welcome change of pace from the largely ineffectual melatonin pills , lavender room spray , electric shoulder massager , Bluetooth dimming light bulbs , guava tea , and memory foam mattress she had tried previously .
“ I admit I ’ ve been suckered in by some of these sleep trends before , which is why I ’ m happy to finally move past the magnesium supplements , ocean wave projector , air purifier , dozens of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that actually works.
” Armonson also noted that if for some reason the weighted blanket didn ’ t meet her expectations , she had heard great things about blackout curtains .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Expressing relief that her new purchase would finally help her get a more restful night’s sleep, area woman Wanda Armonson confirmed Friday that her weighted blanket was sure to succeed where CBD, a salt lamp, an oil diffuser, an acupressure mat, bath bombs, and a white noise machine had previously failed. “It really didn’t work out with the valerian root, blue light filter, cooling gel eye mask, knee pillows, scented candles, or humidifier, so I’m looking forward to this weighted blanket finally getting the job done,” said Armonson, telling reporters that the new blanket would be a welcome change of pace from the largely ineffectual melatonin pills, lavender room spray, electric shoulder massager, Bluetooth dimming light bulbs, guava tea, and memory foam mattress she had tried previously. “I admit I’ve been suckered in by some of these sleep trends before, which is why I’m happy to finally move past the magnesium supplements, ocean wave projector, air purifier, dozens of meditation apps, and incense to something that actually works.” Armonson also noted that if for some reason the weighted blanket didn’t meet her expectations, she had heard great things about blackout curtains.


theonion--2020-03-02--Tom Steyer Drops Out Of Democratic Presidential Race

Billionaire former hedge fund executive Tom Steyer , who spent over $ 260 million of his own money on his @ @ @ @ @ out of the race after taking third place in the South Carolina primary on Saturday @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ You can suspend a campaign , but you can ’ t suspend whatever @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Dang , the periphery won ’ t be the same without him.
” @ @ @ @ @ feels like he got his $ 260 million ’ s worth .
”

Billionaire former hedge fund executive Tom Steyer, who spent over $260 million of his own money on his presidential bid, has dropped out of the race after taking third place in the South Carolina primary on Saturday. What do you think?
“You can suspend a campaign, but you can’t suspend whatever it was he stood for.” Jackson Strong • Artisanal Pharmacist
“Dang, the periphery won’t be the same without him.” Dylan Tanaka • Presbyterian Janitor
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theonion--2020-03-02--Report: More Americans Opting To Cut Cord By Building, Launching Own Satellite Into Orbit

BOSTON—Offering fresh insight into how the nation consumes media , a report from Emerson College revealed Monday that more Americans are opting to cut the cord on cable television by building and launching their own satellite into orbit .
“ Our research has found that an increasing number of Americans are looking for more choices from their television provider , leading them to affix a satellite to a rocket and send it hurling through the earth ’ s atmosphere , ” said report author Carol Silverman , noting that consumers were drawn to the flexibility that comes from having a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a comparatively high installation fee of $ 120 million .
“ While older Americans in particular still appreciate the simplicity of cable television , newer generations are eager for more viewing options , and appreciate that once their satellite is set up , there ’ s very little maintenance required apart from occasionally clearing it of space debris or giving it a slight realignment if it ’ s struck by a meteor.
” Silverman added that the report also found more consumers than ever canceling their internet service in favor of installing thousands @ @ @ @ @ @ @ below the ocean ’ s floor .

BOSTON—Offering fresh insight into how the nation consumes media, a report from Emerson College revealed Monday that more Americans are opting to cut the cord on cable television by building and launching their own satellite into orbit. “Our research has found that an increasing number of Americans are looking for more choices from their television provider, leading them to affix a satellite to a rocket and send it hurling through the earth’s atmosphere,” said report author Carol Silverman, noting that consumers were drawn to the flexibility that comes from having a personal signal-receiving device circling the planet despite a comparatively high installation fee of $120 million. “While older Americans in particular still appreciate the simplicity of cable television, newer generations are eager for more viewing options, and appreciate that once their satellite is set up, there’s very little maintenance required apart from occasionally clearing it of space debris or giving it a slight realignment if it’s struck by a meteor.” Silverman added that the report also found more consumers than ever canceling their internet service in favor of installing thousands of miles of fiber optic cables deep below the ocean’s floor.


theonion--2020-03-02--DNC Commits To Younger-Looking Leadership With New Rejuvenating Skincare Routine

Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh , butter-soft , blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $ 40 @ @ @ @ @ care products .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance @ @ @ @ @ .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the @ @ @ @ @ Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to @ @ @ @ @ to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

Democratic leaders hope to bring in fresh, butter-soft, blemish-free appearances to the party with a new $40 million pledge toward rejuvenating skin care products.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-02--Man Commits To Being Overly Nice For Next 45 Minutes To Friend He Just Snapped At

CHICAGO—Realizing that dramatic overcompensation was the best way to lift the tension , claims adjuster Ben Carroll committed to being @ @ @ @ @ 45 minutes to his friend , Thomas Ball , whom he had just snapped at @ @ @ @ @ to fix this is to laugh at his jokes—which are never funny , by the @ @ @ @ @ drinks , even though he never pays for mine , ” said Carroll between complimenting @ @ @ @ @ hair , and “ general vibe.
” “ Maybe I should crack a joke about @ @ @ @ @ on him .
That might do the trick .
If he had just clapped back @ @ @ @ @ t even be a thing .
Thomas can be so aggravating sometimes .
No , @ @ @ @ @ Carroll was later overheard resigning himself to being nice for three additional weeks after losing @ @ @ @ @ misremembering a quote from The Godfather .

CHICAGO—Realizing that dramatic overcompensation was the best way to lift the tension, claims adjuster Ben Carroll committed to being excessively nice for the next 45 minutes to his friend, Thomas Ball, whom he had just snapped at. “The only way to fix this is to laugh at his jokes—which are never funny, by the way—and buy his next couple drinks, even though he never pays for mine,” said Carroll between complimenting Ball on his shirt, hair, and “general vibe.” “Maybe I should crack a joke about how I just lost it on him. That might do the trick. If he had just clapped back at me this wouldn’t even be a thing. Thomas can be so aggravating sometimes. No, most of the time.” Carroll was later overheard resigning himself to being nice for three additional weeks after losing his shit with Ball for misremembering a quote from The Godfather.


theonion--2020-03-02--Eukaryote Traumatized After Accidentally Witnessing Parent Cell Undergo Mitosis

COLD SPRING HARBOR , NY—Recoiling in disgust while recalling the upsetting incident , a eukaryotic cell confirmed Monday that it had been severely traumatized upon accidentally witnessing its parent cell divide and replicate itself through a process of mitosis .
“ God , it was so gross—all the organelles were just hanging out , and you could see everything , ” said the 4-week-old diploid somatic cell , claiming that the repulsive image of its parent making genetically identical copies of itself would remained burned in its memory for the rest of its two-month lifespan .
“ There was cytoplasm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was something that happened , obviously .
It ’ s how I was brought into the world .
But even if you understand , in the abstract , that your parent cell is an asexual being , nobody wants to think about it being split in two like that , let alone come membrane-to-membrane with it .
I mean , Jesus , I came in right when it was reaching telophase.
” The eukaryotic cell added that immediately after the distressing event it was so queasy it wanted to commit apoptosis “ right @ @ @ @ @

COLD SPRING HARBOR, NY—Recoiling in disgust while recalling the upsetting incident, a eukaryotic cell confirmed Monday that it had been severely traumatized upon accidentally witnessing its parent cell divide and replicate itself through a process of mitosis. “God, it was so gross—all the organelles were just hanging out, and you could see everything,” said the 4-week-old diploid somatic cell, claiming that the repulsive image of its parent making genetically identical copies of itself would remained burned in its memory for the rest of its two-month lifespan. “There was cytoplasm everywhere! Ugh. I knew it was something that happened, obviously. It’s how I was brought into the world. But even if you understand, in the abstract, that your parent cell is an asexual being, nobody wants to think about it being split in two like that, let alone come membrane-to-membrane with it. I mean, Jesus, I came in right when it was reaching telophase.” The eukaryotic cell added that immediately after the distressing event it was so queasy it wanted to commit apoptosis “right then and there.”


theonion--2020-03-02--Depressed Mom Can’t Even Enjoy Adult Son’s New Haircut

TOLEDO , OH—Provoking widespread familial concern with her uncharacteristically gloomy outlook , depressed mother Linda Cartwright reportedly displayed a complete inability Monday to enjoy her adult son ’ s new haircut .
“ I knew something was wrong when she didn ’ t say anything about how grown-up and neat I look , ” said Nick Cartwright , 25 , after sending his mother a photo of his new high-fade and receiving only an apathetic thumbs-up emoji in response .
“ Mom pestered me for weeks about how I was getting shaggy .
For her to be completely unfazed by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sides makes it pretty clear she ’ s struggling .
Normally , she makes a huge deal about how I ’ m such a handsome young man , posting pictures of me on Facebook so all her friends can see how nice my hair is , but right now , it seems she ’ s deriving no pleasure from things she used to enjoy .
She didn ’ t even seem to care that I finally shaved my beard.
” At press time , Cartwright had called for a welfare check on his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to seeing him wear a button-down shirt she had picked out for him .

TOLEDO, OH—Provoking widespread familial concern with her uncharacteristically gloomy outlook, depressed mother Linda Cartwright reportedly displayed a complete inability Monday to enjoy her adult son’s new haircut. “I knew something was wrong when she didn’t say anything about how grown-up and neat I look,” said Nick Cartwright, 25, after sending his mother a photo of his new high-fade and receiving only an apathetic thumbs-up emoji in response. “Mom pestered me for weeks about how I was getting shaggy. For her to be completely unfazed by how short I got it on the sides makes it pretty clear she’s struggling. Normally, she makes a huge deal about how I’m such a handsome young man, posting pictures of me on Facebook so all her friends can see how nice my hair is, but right now, it seems she’s deriving no pleasure from things she used to enjoy. She didn’t even seem to care that I finally shaved my beard.” At press time, Cartwright had called for a welfare check on his mother upon learning she had expressed indifference to seeing him wear a button-down shirt she had picked out for him.


theonion--2020-03-02--Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race After Slamming Own Plan To Be President As ‘Naive, Unrealisti

Buttigieg Drops Out Of Democratic Race After Slamming Own Plan To Be President As ‘Naive, Unrealistic Pipe Dream’

SOUTH BEND , IN—Insisting that he was only selling false hope and dividing the Democratic party , Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the 2020 race this week after slamming his own plan to be president as a naive and unrealistic pipe dream .
“ To run for president and sell these unworkable ideas of unity when I have no plans for actually achieving them is unfair to the American people , ” said Buttigieg , who attacked his campaign as inflexible and alienating to anyone who did not agree with his narrow worldview of what the Democratic party should be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stage and sell myself as president of the United States is just absurd .
This election is too important for Americans to take a risk on this fantasy of a small city mayor who could magically transform politics .
The disingenuous , ego-driven promises , soaring rhetoric , and lack of results are why people have grown sick of Washington , and why I should drop out of the presidential race.
” At press time , Buttigieg had declined to endorse another candidate , noting that suggesting Democrats had any chance of winning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ promise .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

SOUTH BEND, IN—Insisting that he was only selling false hope and dividing the Democratic party, Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the 2020 race this week after slamming his own plan to be president as a naive and unrealistic pipe dream. “To run for president and sell these unworkable ideas of unity when I have no plans for actually achieving them is unfair to the American people,” said Buttigieg, who attacked his campaign as inflexible and alienating to anyone who did not agree with his narrow worldview of what the Democratic party should be. “For me to step on stage and sell myself as president of the United States is just absurd. This election is too important for Americans to take a risk on this fantasy of a small city mayor who could magically transform politics. The disingenuous, ego-driven promises, soaring rhetoric, and lack of results are why people have grown sick of Washington, and why I should drop out of the presidential race.” At press time, Buttigieg had declined to endorse another candidate, noting that suggesting Democrats had any chance of winning in November would just be another empty promise.


theonion--2020-03-02--Olive Garden Unveils New All-You-Can-Eat Assisted Suicide Dinners For Terminally Ill Customers

ORLANDO , FL—Touting the offer as an ethical , mouth-watering option for those suffering from incurable diseases , Olive Garden @ @ @ @ @ suicide dinner Thursday for terminally ill customers .
“ Whether you are suffering from late-stage @ @ @ @ @ disease , Olive Garden is proud to offer our new Life-Ending Pasta Bowl for just @ @ @ @ @ ” said spokesperson Carissa Tate , adding that the deal , which also included Olive @ @ @ @ @ breadsticks , soups , and salads , was guaranteed to make diners ’ final moments @ @ @ @ @ delicious .
“ Rather than waiting for your own slow and excruciating death , take @ @ @ @ @ with our pasta favorites , including our famous Cheese-filled Gnocchi or Lobster Ravioli .
So @ @ @ @ @ Olive Garden—when you ’ re here , you can die with family.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ come under fire for a graphic television commercial showing a waiter solemnly closing an elderly @ @ @ @ @ taking her final bite of baked ziti .

ORLANDO, FL—Touting the offer as an ethical, mouth-watering option for those suffering from incurable diseases, Olive Garden unveiled a new all-you-can-eat assisted suicide dinner Thursday for terminally ill customers. “Whether you are suffering from late-stage cancer or a degenerative neurological disease, Olive Garden is proud to offer our new Life-Ending Pasta Bowl for just $12.99 a person,” said spokesperson Carissa Tate, adding that the deal, which also included Olive Garden’s signature unlimited breadsticks, soups, and salads, was guaranteed to make diners’ final moments fast, painless, and delicious. “Rather than waiting for your own slow and excruciating death, take control of your last moments with our pasta favorites, including our famous Cheese-filled Gnocchi or Lobster Ravioli. So, come on down to Olive Garden—when you’re here, you can die with family.” At press time, Olive Garden had come under fire for a graphic television commercial showing a waiter solemnly closing an elderly woman’s eyes after taking her final bite of baked ziti.


theonion--2020-03-02--Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To

Damning New Footage Shows Sanders In 1980s Arguing Madonna Could Never Make Transition From Music To Film

NEW YORK—In a video from late 1984 that was circulating online Friday and could severely damage his bid for the presidency , Bernie Sanders can be heard openly questioning whether Madonna was likely to succeed in the transition from making records to acting in major motion pictures .
“ Look , she ’ s an undeniable pop sensation with a promising string of top-20 hits to her credit , but let me tell you something : There ’ s no guarantee that kind of talent is going to translate to the silver screen , ” Sanders , then mayor of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ local public-access broadcast in which he clearly exhibits short-sightedness in his failure to anticipate the undeniable success the Material Girl would achieve in box-office smashes such as A League Of Their Own and Evita .
“ Madonna should stick to music .
People love this Like A Virgin album , it ’ s a lot of fun to dance to , and she needs to build on its success .
Taking time away from that to focus on what are sure to be small , insubstantial roles in lackluster films ?
That ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Madonna had won acclaim for her role in Desperately Seeking Susan just a few months after his videotaped remarks , a visibly angry Sanders argued that Rosanna Arquette had carried that entire film and anyone who said otherwise didn ’ t know “ a goddamn thing ” about acting .

NEW YORK—In a video from late 1984 that was circulating online Friday and could severely damage his bid for the presidency, Bernie Sanders can be heard openly questioning whether Madonna was likely to succeed in the transition from making records to acting in major motion pictures. “Look, she’s an undeniable pop sensation with a promising string of top-20 hits to her credit, but let me tell you something: There’s no guarantee that kind of talent is going to translate to the silver screen,” Sanders, then mayor of Burlington, VT, says in a local public-access broadcast in which he clearly exhibits short-sightedness in his failure to anticipate the undeniable success the Material Girl would achieve in box-office smashes such as A League Of Their Own and Evita. “Madonna should stick to music. People love this Like A Virgin album, it’s a lot of fun to dance to, and she needs to build on its success. Taking time away from that to focus on what are sure to be small, insubstantial roles in lackluster films? That’s career suicide.” Reminded by reporters that Madonna had won acclaim for her role in Desperately Seeking Susan just a few months after his videotaped remarks, a visibly angry Sanders argued that Rosanna Arquette had carried that entire film and anyone who said otherwise didn’t know “a goddamn thing” about acting.


theonion--2020-03-02--Americans Conned Out Of $201 Million In Online Romance Scams In 2019

According to the Federal Trade Commission , Americans were scammed out of $ 201 million in online dating schemes last @ @ @ @ @ increase from 2018 , with the average victim losing $ 2,600 and victims over 70 @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ Yeah , but that stat doesn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ scammers accidentally fall in love with their victims .
”

According to the Federal Trade Commission, Americans were scammed out of $201 million in online dating schemes last year, a 40% increase from 2018, with the average victim losing $2,600 and victims over 70 losing closer to $10,000. What do you think?
“Yeah, but that stat doesn’t account for the times the scammers accidentally fall in love with their victims.” Curt Nieves • Elbow Patch Tailor
“In a way, isn’t true love the biggest scam of all?” Luanne Craddock • Motivational Lawyer
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theonion--2020-03-02--Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years

WASHINGTON—Warning that many Americans would be caught completely off guard , researchers at the University of Iowa released an alarming study Friday revealing that the majority of U.S. citizens are not prepared for when the sun engulfs the Earth in 7.5 billion years .
“ We polled thousands of people across all demographics and found that the average citizen hasn ’ t even considered what steps they need to take to prepare for the day when , 7.5 billion years from now , our Earth is wholly consumed by the sun , ” said lead researcher Dr. Arnold Hatley , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ savings to purchase items they would need in an emergency like escape pods or sunscreen .
“ Maybe the sun won ’ t explode for another 10 billion years , or maybe it ’ ll blow up in 2 billion years , we really don ’ t know .
But what we do know is that if Earth were scorched down to its rocky core today , literally every single person in the country would die .
That ’ s why we recommend creating a plan with your family on where to meet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from the universe in a flash of fiery horror.
” The study also found that only one in four Americans is prepared for the day the moon floats away , causing the tides to cease .

WASHINGTON—Warning that many Americans would be caught completely off guard, researchers at the University of Iowa released an alarming study Friday revealing that the majority of U.S. citizens are not prepared for when the sun engulfs the Earth in 7.5 billion years. “We polled thousands of people across all demographics and found that the average citizen hasn’t even considered what steps they need to take to prepare for the day when, 7.5 billion years from now, our Earth is wholly consumed by the sun,” said lead researcher Dr. Arnold Hatley, adding that 82% of respondents lack savings to purchase items they would need in an emergency like escape pods or sunscreen. “Maybe the sun won’t explode for another 10 billion years, or maybe it’ll blow up in 2 billion years, we really don’t know. But what we do know is that if Earth were scorched down to its rocky core today, literally every single person in the country would die. That’s why we recommend creating a plan with your family on where to meet and stay safe when civilization is wiped from the universe in a flash of fiery horror.” The study also found that only one in four Americans is prepared for the day the moon floats away, causing the tides to cease.


theonion--2020-03-03--Amazing News Gamers: Everyone Is Having A Great Time Playing Video Games

Gamers , get ready , because we have some news that ’ s sure to make your day a little brighter : It turns out that everyone out there is having a lot of fun playing video games .
This is news gaming fans everywhere are definitely going to be happy to hear .
Reports from across the country are pouring in with the same news : People are playing video games on their consoles and computers and really enjoying it !
Some are using their computers , some are using consoles—heck , some are even using their mobile phones @ @ @ @ @ @ @ video games are putting a smile on people ’ s faces .
Every fan of the medium out there should be proud of how much enjoyment everybody is having with their favorite pastime .
What makes this all the more interesting to gamers is that all sorts of people are having a good time using their controllers and keyboards to play video games throughout the world , too !
Men and women , people from North America , Asia , Africa—it doesn ’ t matter because the good times to be had transcend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people are playing video games together and some are playing single player , but no matter which way you look at it , they are having a blast .
So for today , at least , you can rest easy knowing that millions of people are kicking back and really living it up with their favorite video games .
And if you know anyone who hasn ’ t heard the news , feel free to spread the word that gamers are out there having a really good time playing video games .
Now @ @ @ @ @ @ @

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Gamers, get ready, because we have some news that’s sure to make your day a little brighter: It turns out that everyone out there is having a lot of fun playing video games.
This is news gaming fans everywhere are definitely going to be happy to hear.
Reports from across the country are pouring in with the same news: People are playing video games on their consoles and computers and really enjoying it! Some are using their computers, some are using consoles—heck, some are even using their mobile phones. But however you slice it, video games are putting a smile on people’s faces. Every fan of the medium out there should be proud of how much enjoyment everybody is having with their favorite pastime.
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What makes this all the more interesting to gamers is that all sorts of people are having a good time using their controllers and keyboards to play video games throughout the world, too! Men and women, people from North America, Asia, Africa—it doesn’t matter because the good times to be had transcend boundaries and languages. Some of the people are playing video games together and some are playing single player, but no matter which way you look at it, they are having a blast.
So for today, at least, you can rest easy knowing that millions of people are kicking back and really living it up with their favorite video games. And if you know anyone who hasn’t heard the news, feel free to spread the word that gamers are out there having a really good time playing video games.
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Now get out there and keep gaming!


theonion--2020-03-03--Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figu

Area Man Unaware Lifelong Aerosmith Fandom Caused By Early Imprinting Of Steven Tyler As Father Figure

OLATHE , KANSAS—Completely ignorant to the root cause of his love and reverence for the band , restaurant server Kenny Angelos reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that his lifelong Aerosmith fandom is in fact the result of his early imprinting of Steven Tyler as his father figure .
“ Man , Steven Tyler fucking rules !
” said Angelos while busily busing tables , oblivious that his underlying reason for owning a complete collection of Aerosmith albums and seeing the band live 27 times was due to his repeated exposure to the frontman ’ s likeness in the critical period shortly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a deep subconscious filial connection to the artist that informs his tastes , behavior , and attitude toward masculinity to this day .
“ Ever since I can remember , I ’ ve been , like , their biggest follower .
I don ’ t know what it is about them , but man , they really are something special.
” Angelos added that he is also a big fan of Steven Tyler ’ s daughter , actress Liv Tyler , for whom he has always felt a certain brotherly affection .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

OLATHE, KANSAS—Completely ignorant to the root cause of his love and reverence for the band, restaurant server Kenny Angelos reportedly remained unaware Tuesday that his lifelong Aerosmith fandom is in fact the result of his early imprinting of Steven Tyler as his father figure. “Man, Steven Tyler fucking rules!” said Angelos while busily busing tables, oblivious that his underlying reason for owning a complete collection of Aerosmith albums and seeing the band live 27 times was due to his repeated exposure to the frontman’s likeness in the critical period shortly after his birth, an experience resulting in a deep subconscious filial connection to the artist that informs his tastes, behavior, and attitude toward masculinity to this day. “Ever since I can remember, I’ve been, like, their biggest follower. I don’t know what it is about them, but man, they really are something special.” Angelos added that he is also a big fan of Steven Tyler’s daughter, actress Liv Tyler, for whom he has always felt a certain brotherly affection.


theonion--2020-03-03--White House Condemns 2020 Election As Partisan Witch Hunt

On this Super Tuesday , Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls , but Republicans @ @ @ @ @ many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch @ @ @ @ @ president .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app @ @ @ @ @ Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo @ @ @ @ @ only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice @ @ @ @ @ litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

On this Super Tuesday, Democrats in a number of key states are headed to the polls, but Republicans are outraged. Hear why many on the right are calling the 2020 election nothing more than a partisan witch hunt aimed at unseating the president.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-03--Americans Urged To Stockpile Loved Ones Ahead Of Coronavirus Outbreaks

ATLANTA—Acknowledging there was already a concerning scarcity before the epidemic reached U.S. shores , officials from the Centers for Disease Control urged Americans Tuesday to stockpile loved ones ahead of imminent nationwide coronavirus outbreaks .
“ With cases of COVID-19 now confirmed in 15 states , we are advising all citizens to begin stocking up on cherished family members and friends immediately , ” said CDC Director Robert Redfield , warning that the rapidly spreading , highly contagious respiratory disease could lead to a shortfall of lovers , confidantes , significant others , and favorite relatives not seen in more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ diminished supplies of loved ones as the outbreaks increase , so please , before it ’ s too late , make sure you are maintaining an adequate reserve of people you really and truly care about in this world .
Also , if you have any dearly beloved grandparents , put them somewhere safe , as our data indicate they will , as always , be the first to go.
” Redfield added that if available quantities of loved ones reached critically low levels , the CDC was prepared to order the rationing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ friendly , amongst the American populace at large .

ATLANTA—Acknowledging there was already a concerning scarcity before the epidemic reached U.S. shores, officials from the Centers for Disease Control urged Americans Tuesday to stockpile loved ones ahead of imminent nationwide coronavirus outbreaks. “With cases of COVID-19 now confirmed in 15 states, we are advising all citizens to begin stocking up on cherished family members and friends immediately,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield, warning that the rapidly spreading, highly contagious respiratory disease could lead to a shortfall of lovers, confidantes, significant others, and favorite relatives not seen in more than a century. “We anticipate diminished supplies of loved ones as the outbreaks increase, so please, before it’s too late, make sure you are maintaining an adequate reserve of people you really and truly care about in this world. Also, if you have any dearly beloved grandparents, put them somewhere safe, as our data indicate they will, as always, be the first to go.” Redfield added that if available quantities of loved ones reached critically low levels, the CDC was prepared to order the rationing of companions, both intimate and merely friendly, amongst the American populace at large.


theonion--2020-03-03--Buttigieg, Klobuchar Endorse Biden After Suspending Campaigns

After ending their presidential bids earlier this week , both Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar say they are endorsing former @ @ @ @ @ the Democratic nominee .
What do you think ?
“ It ’ s only polite @ @ @ @ @ back.
” “ This is just the boost Biden needs to stay conscious through the @ @ @ @ @ “ That ’ s too bad .
I was really looking forward to electing six @ @ @ @ @

After ending their presidential bids earlier this week, both Pete Buttigieg and Amy Klobuchar say they are endorsing former Vice President Joe Biden for the Democratic nominee. What do you think?
“It’s only polite for Biden to endorse them back.” Joy Hines • Petri Dish Wiper
“This is just the boost Biden needs to stay conscious through the end of the primary.” Ryan Johnson • Beverage Specialist
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theonion--2020-03-03--God Happens Upon Tribe Of Primitive, Sky-Worshipping Angels In Previously Uncontacted Region Of Heav

God Happens Upon Tribe Of Primitive, Sky-Worshipping Angels In Previously Uncontacted Region Of Heaven

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion as to the origin of the primitive celestial messengers , God , Our Heavenly Father and the @ @ @ @ @ came across a tribe of sky-worshipping angels Tuesday in a region of Heaven previously believed @ @ @ @ @ Thus far , they ’ ve been unreceptive to My word—when I sent John to @ @ @ @ @ they wounded him with a crude obsidian spear , ” said the Lord , admitting @ @ @ @ @ lot to learn ” about the tribe .
“ They speak a completely different dialect @ @ @ @ @ ’ s been difficult to explain the New Testament to them .
They harvest some @ @ @ @ @ and praise the sky for providing their bounty .
Just goes to show that I @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , God announced plans to completely wipe out the tribe if @ @ @ @ @ Christianity .

THE HEAVENS—Expressing confusion as to the origin of the primitive celestial messengers, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, came across a tribe of sky-worshipping angels Tuesday in a region of Heaven previously believed to be uninhabited. “Thus far, they’ve been unreceptive to My word—when I sent John to act as My missionary, they wounded him with a crude obsidian spear,” said the Lord, admitting He still has “a lot to learn” about the tribe. “They speak a completely different dialect of Enochian, so it’s been difficult to explain the New Testament to them. They harvest some form of manna for nourishment and praise the sky for providing their bounty. Just goes to show that I don’t know everything.” At press time, God announced plans to completely wipe out the tribe if they do not convert to Christianity.


theonion--2020-03-03--Snack Industry Runs Out Of Ways To Escalate The Word ‘Cheese’

WASHINGTON— Confessing that unprecedented breakthroughs were necessary if they hoped to keep consumers engaged , multiple spokespeople confirmed Tuesday that @ @ @ @ @ out of ways to escalate the word ‘ cheese.
’ “ Quaint terms like cheezalicious @ @ @ @ @ were good expressions in their time , but we ’ re now in danger of @ @ @ @ @ the English language to describe cheese-based products , ” said Kraft marketing head Anna Chavez @ @ @ @ @ who believe the industry has reached the ceiling on cheese-based adjectives .
“ If a @ @ @ @ @ milk-solids-based foods can be made , we ’ ve made it : variety-based , danger-oriented @ @ @ @ @ , sexually themed terms like Cheesegasmic and Pepperjackulation , even fatalistic long-form experiments like No @ @ @ @ @ Dead .
Frankly we ’ re out of ideas.
” Several dairy snack insiders warned @ @ @ @ @ reached soon , the industry may be faced with the horror of returning to merely @ @ @ @ @ extra cheesy .
”

WASHINGTON— Confessing that unprecedented breakthroughs were necessary if they hoped to keep consumers engaged, multiple spokespeople confirmed Tuesday that the snack industry has run out of ways to escalate the word ‘cheese.’ “Quaint terms like cheezalicious, cheesetastic, and cheesesplosion were good expressions in their time, but we’re now in danger of completely exhausting the capacity of the English language to describe cheese-based products,” said Kraft marketing head Anna Chavez, one of many executives who believe the industry has reached the ceiling on cheese-based adjectives. “If a play on words involving any milk-solids-based foods can be made, we’ve made it: variety-based, danger-oriented variants like Mozzrageous and Swissdemeanor, sexually themed terms like Cheesegasmic and Pepperjackulation, even fatalistic long-form experiments like No Whey Out and Cheddar Off Dead. Frankly we’re out of ideas.” Several dairy snack insiders warned that unless a breakthrough is reached soon, the industry may be faced with the horror of returning to merely descriptive terms such as “extra cheesy.”


theonion--2020-03-03--Last-Minute Change To Super Tuesday Primary Rules Requires All 14 States To Vote At Same Polling Pla

Last-Minute Change To Super Tuesday Primary Rules Requires All 14 States To Vote At Same Polling Place

CLARKSVILLE , AR—In an effort to reduce confusion and improve transparency , Democratic National Committee officials confirmed that last-minute changes to the Super Tuesday primary rules would require all 14 states to vote at the same polling place .
“ We want to consolidate the process and cut down on red tape , so Democratic voters casting ballots in any of today ’ s 14 primary races need to report to Pyron Elementary in Clarksville , AR before polls close at 7:30 p.m. , ” said DNC chair Tom Perez , adding that voters from Alabama , Arkansas , California @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Minnesota , North Carolina , Oklahoma , Tennessee , Texas , Utah , Vermont , and Virginia should check in at the table inside the auditorium , accessible from the school ’ s north entrance , while those from American Samoa would be caucusing in the gym .
“ Clarksville is centrally located in the middle of the country , which we hope most people will find convenient .
We expect the line to stretch a good 20-30 miles long , but once you reach the voting booth , you ’ ll be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We encourage everyone to be patient , and I recommend bringing enough food and water to last several days .
A folding chair probably wouldn ’ t be a bad idea , either.
” At press time , volunteers manning the Clarksville location confirmed that only two of the five voting machines were currently working .

CLARKSVILLE, AR—In an effort to reduce confusion and improve transparency, Democratic National Committee officials confirmed that last-minute changes to the Super Tuesday primary rules would require all 14 states to vote at the same polling place. “We want to consolidate the process and cut down on red tape, so Democratic voters casting ballots in any of today’s 14 primary races need to report to Pyron Elementary in Clarksville, AR before polls close at 7:30 p.m.,” said DNC chair Tom Perez, adding that voters from Alabama, Arkansas, California, Colorado, Maine, Massachusetts, Minnesota, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, and Virginia should check in at the table inside the auditorium, accessible from the school’s north entrance, while those from American Samoa would be caucusing in the gym. “Clarksville is centrally located in the middle of the country, which we hope most people will find convenient. We expect the line to stretch a good 20-30 miles long, but once you reach the voting booth, you’ll be in and out—bang—in about 10 minutes. We encourage everyone to be patient, and I recommend bringing enough food and water to last several days. A folding chair probably wouldn’t be a bad idea, either.” At press time, volunteers manning the Clarksville location confirmed that only two of the five voting machines were currently working.


theonion--2020-03-03--Panicked WHO Officials Not Sure How To Respond After Coronavirus Brings 12 People Back To Life

GENEVA—Acknowledging they were taken aback by the latest development in the global epidemic , panicked World Health Organization officials were reportedly unsure how to respond Tuesday after the coronavirus brought 12 people back to life .
“ Uh , okay , so COVID-19 remains a very grave health concern , but we have to admit that the disease returning a dozen people from the dead is a definite upside , ” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom , urging citizens to practice good hygiene in an effort to stop the transmission of the pathogen unless they have recently deceased loved ones @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sense to encourage the spread .
“ If you have recently traveled to an infected area , we urge you to stay quarantined within morgues and graveyards in the hopes that your disease will bring some people back .
As a reminder , the elderly and infirm are particularly at risk of coronavirus , so please exercise caution , unless you ’ re already suffering from a terminal disease in which case , I guess , do your best to contract the virus , maybe ?
I don ’ t know , this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Adhanom added that a potential response had been further complicated by reports that the 12 afflicted individuals had gained super strength and were capable of running hundreds of miles without getting tired .

GENEVA—Acknowledging they were taken aback by the latest development in the global epidemic, panicked World Health Organization officials were reportedly unsure how to respond Tuesday after the coronavirus brought 12 people back to life. “Uh, okay, so COVID-19 remains a very grave health concern, but we have to admit that the disease returning a dozen people from the dead is a definite upside,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhanom, urging citizens to practice good hygiene in an effort to stop the transmission of the pathogen unless they have recently deceased loved ones, in which case it might make sense to encourage the spread. “If you have recently traveled to an infected area, we urge you to stay quarantined within morgues and graveyards in the hopes that your disease will bring some people back. As a reminder, the elderly and infirm are particularly at risk of coronavirus, so please exercise caution, unless you’re already suffering from a terminal disease in which case, I guess, do your best to contract the virus, maybe? I don’t know, this one’s a real head scratcher.” Adhanom added that a potential response had been further complicated by reports that the 12 afflicted individuals had gained super strength and were capable of running hundreds of miles without getting tired.


theonion--2020-03-03--Biden Confident After Spending Super Tuesday Stumping Across Iowa

DES MOINES , IA—Expressing optimism about how the upcoming electoral contest would play out , presidential candidate Joe Biden was @ @ @ @ @ chances this week after spending Super Tuesday stumping across Iowa .
“ I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ crisscrossing the state to get people excited about the Biden campaign , and tonight all @ @ @ @ @ , ” said the former vice president , recalling the dozens of stops he ’ @ @ @ @ @ Dubuque and Mason City to hold rallies in school gyms and rec centers to urge @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m feeling really good about our chances here , especially since it seems @ @ @ @ @ rivals have completely given up on the state .
You ’ d be amazed how @ @ @ @ @ see me stopping into their local diner , and I think we ’ re going @ @ @ @ @ that excitement into big numbers at the polls.
” Biden added that he was hopeful @ @ @ @ @ propel him to a knock-out victory in New Hampshire .

DES MOINES, IA—Expressing optimism about how the upcoming electoral contest would play out, presidential candidate Joe Biden was reportedly feeling confident about his chances this week after spending Super Tuesday stumping across Iowa. “I’ve spent the last 24 hours crisscrossing the state to get people excited about the Biden campaign, and tonight all that hard work pays off,” said the former vice president, recalling the dozens of stops he’d made in towns like Dubuque and Mason City to hold rallies in school gyms and rec centers to urge Iowans to vote. “I’m feeling really good about our chances here, especially since it seems like a lot of my rivals have completely given up on the state. You’d be amazed how shocked Hawkeyes are when they see me stopping into their local diner, and I think we’re going to be able to translate that excitement into big numbers at the polls.” Biden added that he was hopeful his momentum from Iowa would propel him to a knock-out victory in New Hampshire.


theonion--2020-03-03--Astronomers Discover ‘Mini-Moon’ Orbiting Earth

Astronomers in Tucson have discovered a car-sized asteroid circling the planet , which they believe was captured by Earth ’ @ @ @ @ @ but will soon spin off to continue its journey around the sun .
What do @ @ @ @ @ they sure it wasn ’ t just the regular moon from farther away ?
” @ @ @ @ @ playing with fire without a moon backup .
”

Astronomers in Tucson have discovered a car-sized asteroid circling the planet, which they believe was captured by Earth’s gravitational pull in 2017 but will soon spin off to continue its journey around the sun. What do you think?
“Are they sure it wasn’t just the regular moon from farther away?” Desiree Stephens • Cardigan Designer
“Please. It’s no Phobos.” Gino Mcleod • Baseball Glove Conditioner
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theonion--2020-03-03--New Neutrogena Deep Cleanse Just 130-Pound Chimp That Rips Your Face Off

LOS ANGELES—Touting the new beauty regimen ’ s fast-acting , long-lasting effects , Neutrogena released a new deep-cleansing dermal kit Tuesday that ’ s just a 130-pound common chimpanzee , which combats the buildup of oil , grime , and dead cells in skin by ripping your face clean off .
“ The exfoliating tool at the heart of our latest skincare kit , the most effective yet for eliminating blackheads and other facial blemishes , is an all-organic West African chimpanzee and a pointed fair-trade eucalyptus stick to poke him with in order to make him face-ripping angry , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ noting that the great ape ’ s razor-sharp canine teeth can cleanly remove up to three layers of damaged skin from a human skull in less than five seconds .
“ Once the chimpanzee has been enraged , he will signify the beginning of the skin-care regimen by letting loose several terrifying screams , after which he will aggressively go to work on your face ’ s problem areas by clawing off your epidermis .
And the whole apparatus is easily and cheaply recharged with commercially available bananas.
” Neutrogena ’ s advanced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , a tranquilizer gun , and a net , will be sold separately .

LOS ANGELES—Touting the new beauty regimen’s fast-acting, long-lasting effects, Neutrogena released a new deep-cleansing dermal kit Tuesday that’s just a 130-pound common chimpanzee, which combats the buildup of oil, grime, and dead cells in skin by ripping your face clean off. “The exfoliating tool at the heart of our latest skincare kit, the most effective yet for eliminating blackheads and other facial blemishes, is an all-organic West African chimpanzee and a pointed fair-trade eucalyptus stick to poke him with in order to make him face-ripping angry,” said Neutrogena spokesperson Kiersten Guthrie, noting that the great ape’s razor-sharp canine teeth can cleanly remove up to three layers of damaged skin from a human skull in less than five seconds. “Once the chimpanzee has been enraged, he will signify the beginning of the skin-care regimen by letting loose several terrifying screams, after which he will aggressively go to work on your face’s problem areas by clawing off your epidermis. And the whole apparatus is easily and cheaply recharged with commercially available bananas.” Neutrogena’s advanced maintenance kit, which contains a bullwhip, a tranquilizer gun, and a net, will be sold separately.


theonion--2020-03-03--Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 3, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 3, 2020

The stars say that you will have a decent week , but will forget to buy milk on Wednesday and @ @ @ @ @ for the weather Friday .
Seriously , there are around 200 billion stars in the @ @ @ @ @ some of them can be pretty specific .

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
Smile, and the world smiles with you; cry, and you cry alone. But if you’re standing over a pile of dismembered infants and there are TV cameras around, you should probably try for the opposite.


theonion--2020-03-04--Health Officials Ask Americans To Stop Buying Face Masks

As the number of confirmed coronavirus cases continues to grow , U.S .
Surgeon General Jerome Adams urged Americans to @ @ @ @ @ noting that the masks are intended only for healthcare providers and people who are currently @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ First , they told us not to buy them , and now they @ @ @ @ @ stop buying them ?
Make up your minds.
” “ Not even God himself could @ @ @ @ @ on things I don ’ t need .
”

As the number of confirmed coronavirus cases continues to grow, U.S. Surgeon General Jerome Adams urged Americans to stop purchasing face masks, noting that the masks are intended only for healthcare providers and people who are currently ill. What do you think?
“First, they told us not to buy them, and now they’re telling us to stop buying them? Make up your minds.” Ethan Michaels • Pickler
“Why, just because they don’t work?” Josh Burnside • Vehicle Operator
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theonion--2020-03-04--Catholic Leaders Transfer Most Alluring Children To Another Church

Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual , soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual @ @ @ @ @ .
Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough ?
The @ @ @ @ @ App , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App @ @ @ @ @ Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you @ @ @ @ @ App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Vatican officials are under fire for what many are calling their ineffectual, soft-handed response to charges of mass sexual abuse within the Catholic church. Will transferring the most alluring Catholic children to another church be enough?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-04--Serial Killer Nostalgic For Bygone Days When He Could Still Get Excited By Something As Simple As Se

Serial Killer Nostalgic For Bygone Days When He Could Still Get Excited By Something As Simple As Setting A Dog On Fire

SEATTLE—Reflecting on the lost innocence of his youth , area serial killer Grant Southerton was reportedly feeling nostalgic Wednesday for those bygone days when he was still able to get excited by something as simple as setting a dog on fire .
“ Yeah , back when I was a kid , I remember spending hours absolutely enthralled by nothing more than pouring gasoline on a neighborhood stray and lighting a match , ” said Southerton , fondly recalling his guileless childhood when he ’ d spend an entire afternoon ripping a squirrel apart with a pair of pliers just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ These days , when I watch the life drain out of a victim ’ s eyes and realize how it ’ s become so rote , I feel a million miles away from that carefree youth .
And yes , I admit I ’ m probably looking at my past with rose-colored glasses—it could get mighty frustrating trying to cut through bone with my little pocket knife or having to bury the evidence in the backyard creek , but I still really miss those halcyon days when it wasn ’ t about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about making them all pay , it was just about the quiet joy of murdering a helpless creature.
” Southerton added that he was hoping to recapture some small measure of that youthful spirit by setting aside some time to vivisect a litter of kittens .

SEATTLE—Reflecting on the lost innocence of his youth, area serial killer Grant Southerton was reportedly feeling nostalgic Wednesday for those bygone days when he was still able to get excited by something as simple as setting a dog on fire. “Yeah, back when I was a kid, I remember spending hours absolutely enthralled by nothing more than pouring gasoline on a neighborhood stray and lighting a match,” said Southerton, fondly recalling his guileless childhood when he’d spend an entire afternoon ripping a squirrel apart with a pair of pliers just for the sheer wonder of it. “These days, when I watch the life drain out of a victim’s eyes and realize how it’s become so rote, I feel a million miles away from that carefree youth. And yes, I admit I’m probably looking at my past with rose-colored glasses—it could get mighty frustrating trying to cut through bone with my little pocket knife or having to bury the evidence in the backyard creek, but I still really miss those halcyon days when it wasn’t about the notoriety, it wasn’t about making them all pay, it was just about the quiet joy of murdering a helpless creature.” Southerton added that he was hoping to recapture some small measure of that youthful spirit by setting aside some time to vivisect a litter of kittens.


theonion--2020-03-04--Sanders Supporter Urges Importance Of Listening To Minority Voices Just Not Specifically The Ones Wh

Sanders Supporter Urges Importance Of Listening To Minority Voices Just Not Specifically The Ones Who Handed Victory To Biden

DETROIT—Stressing the need for inclusivity and intersectionality in the 2020 Democratic primaries , local Bernie Sanders supporter Kevin Randall took to Facebook Wednesday to stress the importance of listening to minority voices , just not any of the ones that have handed victory to Joe Biden .
“ We need to make clear that , with the exception of those who showed up in droves to vote for Biden in South Carolina and on Super Tuesday , our movement has room for all people of color , ” wrote Randall , who explained that it ’ s important to avoid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ narrow worldview and to empathize with Americans from every background who did not just make Biden the new frontrunner last night .
“ Marginalized groups are being shut out of these conversations , so we need to take a moment to hear what , in particular , 18-to-35-year-old , college-educated , progressive black and Latino voters from western states have to say .
They , along with the tiny minority of working-class citizens in disenfranchised minority communities who object to the moderate platform of Joe Biden , should not be made to feel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added that it was also important to listen to older Jewish people , except for the ones who cast ballots for Mike Bloomberg .

DETROIT—Stressing the need for inclusivity and intersectionality in the 2020 Democratic primaries, local Bernie Sanders supporter Kevin Randall took to Facebook Wednesday to stress the importance of listening to minority voices, just not any of the ones that have handed victory to Joe Biden. “We need to make clear that, with the exception of those who showed up in droves to vote for Biden in South Carolina and on Super Tuesday, our movement has room for all people of color,” wrote Randall, who explained that it’s important to avoid becoming siloed within one’s own narrow worldview and to empathize with Americans from every background who did not just make Biden the new frontrunner last night. “Marginalized groups are being shut out of these conversations, so we need to take a moment to hear what, in particular, 18-to-35-year-old, college-educated, progressive black and Latino voters from western states have to say. They, along with the tiny minority of working-class citizens in disenfranchised minority communities who object to the moderate platform of Joe Biden, should not be made to feel invisible in our democracy.” Randall later added that it was also important to listen to older Jewish people, except for the ones who cast ballots for Mike Bloomberg.


theonion--2020-03-04--Frustrated Bloomberg Staffer Literally Just Aborted Fetus For This Job

NEW YORK—Expressing her displeasure about the unfortunate timing of her boss dropping out of the presidential primary , Bloomberg staffer @ @ @ @ @ Wednesday that she had literally just aborted a fetus for this job .
“ God @ @ @ @ @ Mike could have given me a little heads up , ” said Wilkonson , confirming @ @ @ @ @ the news about the former New York mayor suspending his campaign mere minutes after she @ @ @ @ @ the abortion clinic .
“ He ’ d been dropping hints for weeks about how @ @ @ @ @ me to give this job my all if I was distracted with a child , @ @ @ @ @ nice if he had thought to contact me about his plans before I went to @ @ @ @ @ sucks too because I had been really looking forward to having this kid.
” Wilkonson @ @ @ @ @ aggravated knowing that she wouldn ’ t be able to vent about her situation due @ @ @ @ @ ’ d been forced to sign .

NEW YORK—Expressing her displeasure about the unfortunate timing of her boss dropping out of the presidential primary, Bloomberg staffer Eliza Wilkonson was reportedly frustrated Wednesday that she had literally just aborted a fetus for this job. “God damn it, I wish Mike could have given me a little heads up,” said Wilkonson, confirming her annoyance at having received the news about the former New York mayor suspending his campaign mere minutes after she returned to her office from the abortion clinic. “He’d been dropping hints for weeks about how hard it would be for me to give this job my all if I was distracted with a child, so it would have been nice if he had thought to contact me about his plans before I went to all this trouble. It sucks too because I had been really looking forward to having this kid.” Wilkonson added that she felt especially aggravated knowing that she wouldn’t be able to vent about her situation due to the non-disclosure agreements she’d been forced to sign.


theonion--2020-03-04--Biden Says Incredible Comeback Proves He Can Beat Progressive Democrat In A General Election

LOS ANGELES—Touting his Super Tuesday victories as evidence that he would stand strong in the face of any real change @ @ @ @ @ that his incredible electoral comeback proves he can beat a progressive Democrat in the general @ @ @ @ @ have spoken , they know that when it comes to the presidential election , I @ @ @ @ @ most likely candidate to defeat Bernie Sanders , ” said Biden , who cited his @ @ @ @ @ of demographic groups as proof he was the unity figure the party needs to fight @ @ @ @ @ they would be facing in November .
“ People know this election is the most @ @ @ @ @ and we need to nominate someone who can stop progressive policies in their tracks .
@ @ @ @ @ harness that energy , I have no doubt we can deliver a resounding defeat to @ @ @ @ @ Biden ended his victory speech by claiming that if this momentum continued , the Democrats @ @ @ @ @ victory over their opponents ever at July ’ s convention .

LOS ANGELES—Touting his Super Tuesday victories as evidence that he would stand strong in the face of any real change, Joe Biden announced Wednesday that his incredible electoral comeback proves he can beat a progressive Democrat in the general election. “Democratic voters have spoken, they know that when it comes to the presidential election, I would be by far the most likely candidate to defeat Bernie Sanders,” said Biden, who cited his strength among a wide variety of demographic groups as proof he was the unity figure the party needs to fight back against the Democratic Socialists they would be facing in November. “People know this election is the most important of our lifetime, and we need to nominate someone who can stop progressive policies in their tracks. In fact, if we harness that energy, I have no doubt we can deliver a resounding defeat to the entire Democratic party.” Biden ended his victory speech by claiming that if this momentum continued, the Democrats could be celebrating their biggest victory over their opponents ever at July’s convention.


theonion--2020-03-04--Elderly Woman Wheeling Oxygen Tank Takes Over Bus’ Priority Seating Like Most Feared Inmate On Priso

Elderly Woman Wheeling Oxygen Tank Takes Over Bus’ Priority Seating Like Most Feared Inmate On Prison Yard

PHILADELPHIA—Without speaking a single word , an elderly woman carting an oxygen tank reportedly caused riders to scatter from the @ @ @ @ @ city bus Wednesday as though she were the most feared inmate on a maximum-security prison @ @ @ @ @ woman , who reportedly clutched her walker as a convict might grip a shiv carved @ @ @ @ @ said to have sent the former occupant of her seat scrambling to the back of @ @ @ @ @ glance .
She was then seen lowering herself down into the seat like a tattooed @ @ @ @ @ sentences , including one for a murder committed while in prison , who had chosen @ @ @ @ @ s bench press .
Reports later confirmed that passengers had cleared the aisle after the @ @ @ @ @ the woman—who signaled what was about to happen like an inmate giving the order to @ @ @ @ @ in the neck—nodded toward the exit .

PHILADELPHIA—Without speaking a single word, an elderly woman carting an oxygen tank reportedly caused riders to scatter from the priority seating area of a city bus Wednesday as though she were the most feared inmate on a maximum-security prison yard. The visibly frail woman, who reportedly clutched her walker as a convict might grip a shiv carved from a toothbrush, is said to have sent the former occupant of her seat scrambling to the back of the bus with a mere glance. She was then seen lowering herself down into the seat like a tattooed gang hitman with multiple life sentences, including one for a murder committed while in prison, who had chosen to commandeer the yard’s bench press. Reports later confirmed that passengers had cleared the aisle after the bus reached a stop and the woman—who signaled what was about to happen like an inmate giving the order to stab a rival gang leader in the neck—nodded toward the exit.


theonion--2020-03-04--Worst Pandemics In Global History

Worst Pandemics In Global History

The spread of Covid-19 , or the coronavirus , has reached every continent except Antarctica , with a death toll surpassing 3,000 , and the World Health Organization announced that countries should prepare for a global pandemic .
The Onion takes a look at the worst disease pandemics in world history .
The deadly virus devastated Mediterranean port cities , dealing a fatal blow to the lucrative bacterium trade .
Bubonic plague killed between 75 million and 200 million people due to rats stubbornly refusing to vaccinate their children .
The deadliest of the famous cholera outbreaks , the third @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let your guard down just because most of your loved ones already died in the first two rounds of a disease .
The last widespread devastation wrought by God ’ s wrath before researchers finally discovered the cure in 1894 .
Killed 1 million people and left millions more victims with chest congestion and a sore throat .
Despite its large death toll and continued devastation , advancements in treatment have allowed many of those infected to lead equally meaningless lives as those without the virus .
Thankfully , pigs have mostly recovered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around 250,000 lives .

The spread of Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has reached every continent except Antarctica, with a death toll surpassing 3,000, and the World Health Organization announced that countries should prepare for a global pandemic. The Onion takes a look at the worst disease pandemics in world history.
Plague Of Justinian (541-542):
The deadly virus devastated Mediterranean port cities, dealing a fatal blow to the lucrative bacterium trade.
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The Black Death (1346-1353):
Bubonic plague killed between 75 million and 200 million people due to rats stubbornly refusing to vaccinate their children.
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Third Cholera Pandemic (1846-1860):
The deadliest of the famous cholera outbreaks, the third cholera pandemic is a reminder to not let your guard down just because most of your loved ones already died in the first two rounds of a disease.
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Flu Pandemic (1889-1890):
The last widespread devastation wrought by God’s wrath before researchers finally discovered the cure in 1894.
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Sixth Cholera Pandemic (1899-1923):
Derivative and uninspired.
Flu Pandemic (1968):
Killed 1 million people and left millions more victims with chest congestion and a sore throat.
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Despite its large death toll and continued devastation, advancements in treatment have allowed many of those infected to lead equally meaningless lives as those without the virus.
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Swine Flu (2009-2010):
Thankfully, pigs have mostly recovered from this massive PR disaster that claimed around 250,000 lives.


theonion--2020-03-04--Woman Braces Self As Documentary Shows Sea Lions Happily Swimming Near Shoreline

BULLHEAD CITY , AZ—Wincing while reaching for the remote control , area woman Leigh Cortez braced herself Wednesday as the documentary she was watching panned in on a group of sea lions swimming near the shoreline .
“ Oh no , it ’ s a bunch of baby sea lions splashing around the ocean with their moms , so I know something super messed up is about to happen , ” said Cortez , digging her nails into the couch cushion as the show ’ s music shifted and the camera zoomed in on a large male sea lion perking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ started so peacefully with the whole colony sunning themselves on the beach , but they keep cutting to the surf so I know a bunch of orcas or a shark or some shit is about to go hog wild on these sea lions .
I should have bailed when David Attenborough dropped his voice and uttered , ‘ Swimming is good fun , but the water is not a safe place for young pups.
’ That cute little one trailing behind the others clearly doesn ’ t know what ’ s coming .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ reporters that she planned to watch the documentary ’ s upcoming scene involving a lizard fighting a snake because she “ doesn ’ t give a fuck about reptiles .
”

BULLHEAD CITY, AZ—Wincing while reaching for the remote control, area woman Leigh Cortez braced herself Wednesday as the documentary she was watching panned in on a group of sea lions swimming near the shoreline. “Oh no, it’s a bunch of baby sea lions splashing around the ocean with their moms, so I know something super messed up is about to happen,” said Cortez, digging her nails into the couch cushion as the show’s music shifted and the camera zoomed in on a large male sea lion perking up his ear flaps. “It started so peacefully with the whole colony sunning themselves on the beach, but they keep cutting to the surf so I know a bunch of orcas or a shark or some shit is about to go hog wild on these sea lions. I should have bailed when David Attenborough dropped his voice and uttered, ‘Swimming is good fun, but the water is not a safe place for young pups.’ That cute little one trailing behind the others clearly doesn’t know what’s coming. He’s toast.” Cortez told reporters that she planned to watch the documentary’s upcoming scene involving a lizard fighting a snake because she “doesn’t give a fuck about reptiles.”


theonion--2020-03-04--‘Judge Judy’ Ending After 25 Seasons

‘Judge Judy’ Ending After 25 Seasons

Retired family court judge Judy Sheindlin announced that her eponymous courtroom reality show , which garners nearly nine million viewers @ @ @ @ @ her one of the highest-paid television personalities of all time , will end following 25 @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ This is going to place an even heavier burden on @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Oh man , I ’ ll never forget that episode where the plaintiff @ @ @

Retired family court judge Judy Sheindlin announced that her eponymous courtroom reality show, which garners nearly nine million viewers a day and has made her one of the highest-paid television personalities of all time, will end following 25 years on air. What do you think?
“This is going to place an even heavier burden on our overstretched Judge Mathis system.” Geneva Wilson • Systems Analyst
“Oh man, I’ll never forget that episode where the plaintiff won.” Pierre Bonds • Dough Kneader
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theonion--2020-03-05--Biden Defends Past Inappropriate Touching Of Women As Symptom Of Stuttering Hands

DETROIT—Opening up about the lifelong struggle that has been a source of embarrassment and frustration , Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden defended Thursday his record of inappropriately touching women as a symptom of his lifelong struggle with stuttering hands .
“ Since my childhood , I ’ ve been burdened with this debilitating problem—anytime I wrap my hands around a woman ’ s waist or give them a shoulder rub , it ’ s because of a nervous medical tick , ” said Biden , choking up while recounting how much his uncontrollable caressing of women ’ s backs and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over the years .
“ I was often too ashamed in the past to speak about it , but I know there ’ s some teenager out there grabbing a classmate ’ s ass who needs to know they are not alone .
I ’ ve dealt with the misfortune of seeing my hands reach out and pull a woman uncomfortably close to me and the embarrassment of them mocking me and saying ‘ Stop doing that.
’ I ’ ve worked to get it under control , and I want my supporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ occasionally be touching women over the course of the presidential campaign.
” At press time , Biden was attributing his support of the Iraq war and opposition to school busing as the result of a challenging brain stutter .

DETROIT—Opening up about the lifelong struggle that has been a source of embarrassment and frustration, Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden defended Thursday his record of inappropriately touching women as a symptom of his lifelong struggle with stuttering hands. “Since my childhood, I’ve been burdened with this debilitating problem—anytime I wrap my hands around a woman’s waist or give them a shoulder rub, it’s because of a nervous medical tick,” said Biden, choking up while recounting how much his uncontrollable caressing of women’s backs and touching of their faces have hurt him over the years. “I was often too ashamed in the past to speak about it, but I know there’s some teenager out there grabbing a classmate’s ass who needs to know they are not alone. I’ve dealt with the misfortune of seeing my hands reach out and pull a woman uncomfortably close to me and the embarrassment of them mocking me and saying ‘Stop doing that.’ I’ve worked to get it under control, and I want my supporters to be confident that I will only occasionally be touching women over the course of the presidential campaign.” At press time, Biden was attributing his support of the Iraq war and opposition to school busing as the result of a challenging brain stutter.


theonion--2020-03-05--CDC Warns Public Of Mutating Coronavirus

New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone @ @ @ @ @ .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in @ @ @ @ @ Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code @ @ @ @ @ will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , @ @ @ @ @ environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

New data show that the virus Covid-19 has become so advanced that it could now mutate into anything or anyone, even someone you trust.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-05--Ruth Bader Ginsburg Flirting With 67-Year-Old Intern Again

WASHINGTON—Saying she continually walks by his office while loosening the frilly beaded collar she wears over her judicial robes , sources confirmed Thursday that Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been flirting with the Supreme Court ’ s 67-year-old intern again .
“ She ’ s completely shameless—every time there ’ s a hot new guy in his late 60s or early 70s , she ’ s all over him , ” law clerk Angela Young told reporters , adding that when Ginsburg was first introduced to Supreme Court intern David Kearney , she had smiled coyly at the gray-haired @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ You can just call me Ruth , sweetheart.
” “ The other day , I saw her sit on his desk and invite him to stop by her chambers sometime if he ever needs someone to show him the ropes .
It ’ s the same thing every term .
She just can ’ t help herself when there ’ s a 67-year-old piece of ass around.
” At press time , Ginsburg had reportedly stopped Kearney as he was leaving for the day and asked if he wouldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her briefs .

WASHINGTON—Saying she continually walks by his office while loosening the frilly beaded collar she wears over her judicial robes, sources confirmed Thursday that Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has been flirting with the Supreme Court’s 67-year-old intern again. “She’s completely shameless—every time there’s a hot new guy in his late 60s or early 70s, she’s all over him,” law clerk Angela Young told reporters, adding that when Ginsburg was first introduced to Supreme Court intern David Kearney, she had smiled coyly at the gray-haired man and said in a husky voice, “You can just call me Ruth, sweetheart.” “The other day, I saw her sit on his desk and invite him to stop by her chambers sometime if he ever needs someone to show him the ropes. It’s the same thing every term. She just can’t help herself when there’s a 67-year-old piece of ass around.” At press time, Ginsburg had reportedly stopped Kearney as he was leaving for the day and asked if he wouldn’t mind staying late to help her with her briefs.


theonion--2020-03-05--Dixie Chicks Release First New Single In 14 years

Country music trio the Dixie Chicks , who were blacklisted by networks and boycotted by fans after criticizing the Iraq @ @ @ @ @ released a new single entitled “ Gaslighter ” following a 14-year break from producing music @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ They should have no trouble avoiding controversy now that we ’ re no @ @ @ @ @ era.
” “ Sorry , I only listen to music that unwaveringly supports all wars.
@ @ @ @ @ this takes me back to the bad-faith outrage of my youth .
”

Country music trio the Dixie Chicks, who were blacklisted by networks and boycotted by fans after criticizing the Iraq War in 2003, have released a new single entitled “Gaslighter” following a 14-year break from producing music. What do you think?
“They should have no trouble avoiding controversy now that we’re no longer in the hyper-partisan Bush era.” Martin Brown • Squeegee Technician
“Sorry, I only listen to music that unwaveringly supports all wars.” Helen Gray • VCR Rewinder
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theonion--2020-03-05--‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin

‘We Have Coronavirus Under Control,’ Announces CDC Director As Nose Slowly Transforms Into Pangolin Snout

ATLANTA—As gasps of horror resonated throughout the crowd of reporters , CDC director Robert Redfield announced Thursday that the spread @ @ @ @ @ while his nose slowly transformed into a pangolin snout .
“ I want to assure @ @ @ @ @ quickly and aggressively to halt the progress of this virus , and now the threat @ @ @ @ @ Redfield , tugging at his shirt sleeves to conceal the hard scales that were forming @ @ @ @ @ his thin tongue snaking out of his narrowed muzzle to wrap around the microphone stand @ @ @ @ @ prevented a global pandemic and—argh , it hurts—Americans can rest assured Covid-19 is nothing to @ @ @ @ @ , what ’ s happening to me ?
Without our hardworking medical professionals , this @ @ @ @ @ nationwide crisis with far-reaching consequences .
I do , however , want to stress that @ @ @ @ @ !
Me want ants.
” At press time , health officials were urging Atlanta residents @ @ @ @ @ they had recently come into contact with an enormous feral pangolin .

ATLANTA—As gasps of horror resonated throughout the crowd of reporters, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Thursday that the spread of coronavirus was under control while his nose slowly transformed into a pangolin snout. “I want to assure the public that we acted quickly and aggressively to halt the progress of this virus, and now the threat is neutralized,” said Redfield, tugging at his shirt sleeves to conceal the hard scales that were forming along his clawed hands, his thin tongue snaking out of his narrowed muzzle to wrap around the microphone stand. “We’ve prevented a global pandemic and—argh, it hurts—Americans can rest assured Covid-19 is nothing to worry about. Oh God, what’s happening to me? Without our hardworking medical professionals, this could have ballooned into a nationwide crisis with far-reaching consequences. I do, however, want to stress that I need ants. Ants! Me want ants.” At press time, health officials were urging Atlanta residents to wash their hands if they had recently come into contact with an enormous feral pangolin.


theonion--2020-03-05--Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

NEW BEDFORD , MA—Irking fellow users with their gross displays of congenial rhetoric , disagreeing Twitter commenters Sydney Ramstead and Brian Packer engaged in a self-congratulatory civility that was honestly worse than an outright fight would have been , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ God , I would rather these guys tell each other to fuck off than continue this preening exchange where they go on and on about how much they respect each other ’ s opinions , ” said Kyle Lim , a witness to the nauseating debate who described the exasperation he felt as the two participants @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other brought up interesting points and how they were both glad to be taking part in good-faith dialogue with a formidable opponent .
“ They won ’ t shut up about the ‘ importance of civil discourse ’ and how the internet would be a much better place if everyone were a bit nicer .
Ugh , this is unbearable .
Drop the posturing already and just tell him he can eat shit !
” At press time , Lim reportedly couldn ’ t take it anymore and jumped into the conversation to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Nazis .

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Irking fellow users with their gross displays of congenial rhetoric, disagreeing Twitter commenters Sydney Ramstead and Brian Packer engaged in a self-congratulatory civility that was honestly worse than an outright fight would have been, sources confirmed Thursday. “God, I would rather these guys tell each other to fuck off than continue this preening exchange where they go on and on about how much they respect each other’s opinions,” said Kyle Lim, a witness to the nauseating debate who described the exasperation he felt as the two participants repeatedly expressed how they each thought the other brought up interesting points and how they were both glad to be taking part in good-faith dialogue with a formidable opponent. “They won’t shut up about the ‘importance of civil discourse’ and how the internet would be a much better place if everyone were a bit nicer. Ugh, this is unbearable. Drop the posturing already and just tell him he can eat shit!” At press time, Lim reportedly couldn’t take it anymore and jumped into the conversation to inform the two debaters they were both Nazis.


theonion--2020-03-05--Vindictive Amy Klobuchar Elected Mayor Of South Bend, Indiana

SOUTH BEND , IN—Triumphantly celebrating victory with an adoring crowd of supporters , vindictive former Democratic presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar was elected mayor of South Bend , IN , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ South Bend has taken a step into a bright new day by finally electing a leader it deserves , and I ’ m here to help heal this broken city , ” said the newly elected Mayor Klobuchar , relishing the crowd ’ s applause as confetti rained down over her shoulders .
“ When touring across America , I saw no city that had been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ officials than South Bend .
I promise you , I will work tirelessly to overturn the mistakes of the previous administration .
We ’ ll be destroying the river walk and the smart sewer system and ending the Commuters Trust—all wastes of taxpayer money .
You deserve a mayor who doesn ’ t abandon you to fly to other states that he has no chance of winning , or take time away from focusing on your welfare to criticize the intelligence of dedicated , experienced senators .
Congratulations , South Bend , your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , Klobuchar ’ s administration had convicted 80 % of the city ’ s black population .

SOUTH BEND, IN—Triumphantly celebrating victory with an adoring crowd of supporters, vindictive former Democratic presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar was elected mayor of South Bend, IN, sources confirmed Thursday. “South Bend has taken a step into a bright new day by finally electing a leader it deserves, and I’m here to help heal this broken city,” said the newly elected Mayor Klobuchar, relishing the crowd’s applause as confetti rained down over her shoulders. “When touring across America, I saw no city that had been more mistreated and dismissed by its local officials than South Bend. I promise you, I will work tirelessly to overturn the mistakes of the previous administration. We’ll be destroying the river walk and the smart sewer system and ending the Commuters Trust—all wastes of taxpayer money. You deserve a mayor who doesn’t abandon you to fly to other states that he has no chance of winning, or take time away from focusing on your welfare to criticize the intelligence of dedicated, experienced senators. Congratulations, South Bend, your eight-year nightmare is finally over.” At press time, Klobuchar’s administration had convicted 80% of the city’s black population.


theonion--2020-03-05--Biden Wondering Where All This Support Was When He Still Had Functioning Brain

WILMINGTON , DE—As the moderate wing of the Democratic Party consolidated its backing around his candidacy , former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly wondered Thursday where all this support was back when he still had a functioning brain .
“ Here ’ s the deal : I ’ m flattered that everyone ’ s voting for me and the big Democratic donors are giving me a lot of money , but look , I used to have a general idea of what was happening , and it would ’ ve been nice if they ’ d shown me that kind @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the former vice president , trailing off and staring blankly for a moment before telling reporters that he didn ’ t win a single state when he ran for the party ’ s nomination in either 1988 or 2008 , when he would have been physically and cognitively prepared for the demands of running in a general election .
“ I ’ ve been pandering to people and compromising progressive goals for decades , and now you ’ re just throwing all this campaign support and money behind me ?
I was lucid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t figure you people out .
Why are you just now saying Joe Biden should be president when I can ’ t hold a train of thought for longer than 10 seconds or talk to anyone on the campaign trail without getting agitated and sticking my finger in their face ?
What is your deal ?
” Sources confirmed that Biden also wondered why the Democrats were supporting him now that he wouldn ’ t be the only candidate in clear mental decline with a history of reactionary policies in the race @

WILMINGTON, DE—As the moderate wing of the Democratic Party consolidated its backing around his candidacy, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly wondered Thursday where all this support was back when he still had a functioning brain. “Here’s the deal: I’m flattered that everyone’s voting for me and the big Democratic donors are giving me a lot of money, but look, I used to have a general idea of what was happening, and it would’ve been nice if they’d shown me that kind of support back then,” said the former vice president, trailing off and staring blankly for a moment before telling reporters that he didn’t win a single state when he ran for the party’s nomination in either 1988 or 2008, when he would have been physically and cognitively prepared for the demands of running in a general election. “I’ve been pandering to people and compromising progressive goals for decades, and now you’re just throwing all this campaign support and money behind me? I was lucid for 70 years! I honestly can’t figure you people out. Why are you just now saying Joe Biden should be president when I can’t hold a train of thought for longer than 10 seconds or talk to anyone on the campaign trail without getting agitated and sticking my finger in their face? What is your deal?” Sources confirmed that Biden also wondered why the Democrats were supporting him now that he wouldn’t be the only candidate in clear mental decline with a history of reactionary policies in the race.


theonion--2020-03-05--WHO Warns Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time

GENEVA—Following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep had tested positive for Covid-19 , the World Health Organization warned Thursday that new outbreaks in Victorian England confirm the coronavirus is capable of spreading through time .
“ We have received a telegraph indicating that coronavirus has been detected in 1860s London , which means the likelihood of this disease reaching other eras of human civilization is a near certainty , ” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhamon , adding that anyone born after 1837 should take precautions by avoiding unclean debtors prisons , drafty boarding schools , and stuffy manor houses .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mesopotamia could absolutely devastate technological progress throughout the last several millennia , imperiling life as we know it .
Once you consider the poor hygiene and lack of sewage systems in places like Medieval France or Babylon in 1100 B.C.
, it ’ s easy to see how this could spiral into an unceasing pandemic .
We ’ re warning people across all time and space to please wash your hands for at least 20 seconds.
” At press time , WHO officials urged all future humans to quarantine themselves within their current @ @ @ @ @ @ @

GENEVA—Following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep had tested positive for Covid-19, the World Health Organization warned Thursday that new outbreaks in Victorian England confirm the coronavirus is capable of spreading through time. “We have received a telegraph indicating that coronavirus has been detected in 1860s London, which means the likelihood of this disease reaching other eras of human civilization is a near certainty,” said WHO director-general Tedros Adhamon, adding that anyone born after 1837 should take precautions by avoiding unclean debtors prisons, drafty boarding schools, and stuffy manor houses. “An outbreak of coronavirus in ancient Mesopotamia could absolutely devastate technological progress throughout the last several millennia, imperiling life as we know it. Once you consider the poor hygiene and lack of sewage systems in places like Medieval France or Babylon in 1100 B.C., it’s easy to see how this could spiral into an unceasing pandemic. We’re warning people across all time and space to please wash your hands for at least 20 seconds.” At press time, WHO officials urged all future humans to quarantine themselves within their current timeline until a vaccine becomes available.


theonion--2020-03-05--Amazing Collaboration: NASA Is Working With Nintendo To Learn How They Got The ‘?’ Blocks In ‘Mario’

Amazing Collaboration: NASA Is Working With Nintendo To Learn How They Got The ‘?’ Blocks In ‘Mario’ Games To Float In The Air

Calling all Nintendo fans !
Two of our favorite things in the world , NASA and the Mario franchise , are coming together in a major collaboration .
NASA confirmed in a recent press conference that they ’ ve been working with Nintendo for years to learn how to get the famous question mark blocks from the Mario Bros. games to float in the air .
This research could provide just the sort of major breakthrough that transforms space travel and gaming fandom forever !
Ever since the release of Mario Bros. back in 1983 , it ’ s been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ question mark blocks hover in the air in clear defiance of the Newtonian and Einsteinian laws of gravity .
So , we ’ re thanking our lucky stars that Nintendo bravely reached out to the Washington-based space agency to help them study the mystery of how these blocks are suspended several feet off the ground without any visible propulsion system .
It ’ s really beautiful to see these two giants of their respective fields coming together for the betterment of humanity and gamerdom !
The implications of what NASA could do with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a clearly brick-based object to float for hours on end is a feat of engineering with scientific implications around the laws of motion that could alter the course of mankind .
Whether it ’ s a safer , faster trip to Mars or simply a renewed understanding of the physics that govern our universe , the power harnessed by understanding the question mark blocks could make possible the sort of projects that NASA and video gamers have only dreamed of .
So , let ’ s give a big thumbs-up to Nintendo for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ away a major competitive advantage just to help a wonderful organization like NASA .
And hopefully , they can return the favor and teach Nintendo the mysterious secrets of how to build a functional online infrastructure .

Calling all Nintendo fans! Two of our favorite things in the world, NASA and the Mario franchise, are coming together in a major collaboration. NASA confirmed in a recent press conference that they’ve been working with Nintendo for years to learn how to get the famous question mark blocks from the Mario Bros. games to float in the air.
This research could provide just the sort of major breakthrough that transforms space travel and gaming fandom forever!
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Ever since the release of Mario Bros. back in 1983, it’s been a mystery to gamers everywhere how the question mark blocks hover in the air in clear defiance of the Newtonian and Einsteinian laws of gravity. So, we’re thanking our lucky stars that Nintendo bravely reached out to the Washington-based space agency to help them study the mystery of how these blocks are suspended several feet off the ground without any visible propulsion system. It’s really beautiful to see these two giants of their respective fields coming together for the betterment of humanity and gamerdom!
The implications of what NASA could do with this technology are amazing. To get a clearly brick-based object to float for hours on end is a feat of engineering with scientific implications around the laws of motion that could alter the course of mankind. Whether it’s a safer, faster trip to Mars or simply a renewed understanding of the physics that govern our universe, the power harnessed by understanding the question mark blocks could make possible the sort of projects that NASA and video gamers have only dreamed of.
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So, let’s give a big thumbs-up to Nintendo for ending decades of corporate secrecy and giving away a major competitive advantage just to help a wonderful organization like NASA. And hopefully, they can return the favor and teach Nintendo the mysterious secrets of how to build a functional online infrastructure.


theonion--2020-03-05--Apple Ordered To Pay Up To $500 Million Over Slow iPhones

Apple will pay up to $ 500 million to settle a class-action lawsuit following accusations the company used software updates @ @ @ @ @ iPhones in order to compel users to purchase new models .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ slow iPhone is going to be very rich.
” “ Jeez .
I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ iPhone from a different company.
” “ I have a ’ 98 iMac with the @ @ @ @

Apple will pay up to $500 million to settle a class-action lawsuit following accusations the company used software updates to purposely slow down older iPhones in order to compel users to purchase new models. What do you think?
“Whoever owns that slow iPhone is going to be very rich.” Alphonso Southard • Bulk Fish Supplier
“Jeez. I’ll definitely be buying my next iPhone from a different company.” Eric Bostic • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-03-06--Steph Curry Returns To NBA Following Injury

Six-time NBA All-Star Steph Curry rejoined the Golden State Warriors this week after more than four months off recovering from @ @ @ @ @ a game last October .
What do you think ?
“ I hope he can @ @ @ @ @ other teams know hurting his hand is his weakness.
” “ Interesting to see if @ @ @ @ @ perspective on scoring points .
”

Six-time NBA All-Star Steph Curry rejoined the Golden State Warriors this week after more than four months off recovering from a hand injury sustained during a game last October. What do you think?
“I hope he can still stay competitive now that other teams know hurting his hand is his weakness.” Bertha Long • Glue Tester
“Interesting to see if time away has changed his perspective on scoring points.” Jessie Alvarado • Trade School Recruiter
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theonion--2020-03-06--FAA Restricts Passenger Jets To Flying No More Than 15 Feet Above Ground

New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer .
But can anything truly save @ @ @ @ @ death traps hurling through the air ?
The Topical is presented by Cash App , @ @ @ @ @ in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play @ @ @ @ @ code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will @ @ @ @ @ , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

New FAA regulations announced today are looking to make the skies a little safer. But can anything truly save us from those giant metal death traps hurling through the air?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-06--73-Year-Old Billie Eilish Breaks Silence To Discuss Ravages Of Fame In Interview From Hermetically S

73-Year-Old Billie Eilish Breaks Silence To Discuss Ravages Of Fame In Interview From Hermetically Sealed Mansion

LOS ANGELES—In a rare public appearance from the reclusive artist , Billie Eilish , 73 , broke her silence Friday @ @ @ @ @ fame in an interview from her hermetically sealed mansion .
“ The musician lifestyle is @ @ @ @ @ can take one hell of a toll on your body , ” the septuagenarian singer @ @ @ @ @ her completely sterilized and germ-free home , as her gnarled fingers trembled while reaching for @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Yes , I got to be a superstar , but when you get @ @ @ @ @ begin to wonder if it was worth all the pain and agony .
Seems like @ @ @ @ @ carefree 16-year-old , but look at me now—I ’ m half-blind , I can barely @ @ @ @ @ are as fragile as peanut brittle.
” At press time , the 98-year-old Eilish had @ @ @ @ @ sleep .

LOS ANGELES—In a rare public appearance from the reclusive artist, Billie Eilish, 73, broke her silence Friday to discuss the ravages of fame in an interview from her hermetically sealed mansion. “The musician lifestyle is pretty rough, and it can take one hell of a toll on your body,” the septuagenarian singer and songwriter told reporters from her completely sterilized and germ-free home, as her gnarled fingers trembled while reaching for a container of glaucoma medication. “Yes, I got to be a superstar, but when you get to my age, you begin to wonder if it was worth all the pain and agony. Seems like only yesterday I was a carefree 16-year-old, but look at me now—I’m half-blind, I can barely stand, and my bones are as fragile as peanut brittle.” At press time, the 98-year-old Eilish had passed away quietly in her sleep.