theonion--2020-10-30--Coconut Milk Pulled From Shelves Over Forced Monkey Labor

Under pressure from animal advocacy group PETA , retailers have stopped stocking coconut milk brand Chaokoh due to allegations of @ @ @ @ @ Thailand to pick coconuts .
What do you think ?
“ So cruel , especially @ @ @ @ @ ” “ First we can ’ t eat monkeys , now we can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ .
Where does it end ?
” “ Those poor monkeys should be in a @ @ @ @ @ ”

Under pressure from animal advocacy group PETA, retailers have stopped stocking coconut milk brand Chaokoh due to allegations of using forced monkey labor in Thailand to pick coconuts. What do you think?
“So cruel, especially when children are easily available.” Gerald Henry • Spanakopita Innovator
“First we can’t eat monkeys, now we can’t eat food prepared by monkeys. Where does it end?” Sarah Wright • Phantasmagoria Designer
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theonion--2020-10-30--Netflix Prices Going Up

Netflix Prices Going Up

Popular streaming service Netflix will increase pricing for its most popular plan to $ 14 per month and its premium @ @ @ @ @ month in an attempt to overcome recent market slumps .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ pay for ignoring so many movies.
” “ If they think I ’ m gon @ @ @ @ @ exact same service , they ’ re absolutely correct.
” “ Without Quibi there to @ @ @ @ @ at least we see Netflix ’ s true colors .
”

Popular streaming service Netflix will increase pricing for its most popular plan to $14 per month and its premium plan to $18 per month in an attempt to overcome recent market slumps. What do you think?
“A small price to pay for ignoring so many movies.” Devin Rice • Landscaping Supervisor
“If they think I’m gonna pay more for the exact same service, they’re absolutely correct.” Patrick Hurt • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-10-30--How Election Night Could Unfold

How Election Night Could Unfold

Election night , Nov. 3 , is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting , a pandemic , and the rhetoric @ @ @ @ @ led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution .
The Onion looks @ @ @ @ @ that election night could unfold .
• Early stories of chaos at polling places give @ @ @ @ @ chaos at polling places .
• CNN crew brings signature pep to covering democracy on @ @ @ @ @ Early reports indicate uneasy feeling in pit of stomach to continue for few more weeks @ @ @ @ @ in a landslide , instantly resulting in millions of Americans disengaging with politics for the @ @ @ @ @ • Donald Trump erroneously declares victory before enough mail-in ballots have been destroyed .
• @ @ @ @ @ ’ s voting booths to remove undecided voters frozen in place .
• For the @ @ @ @ @ decides they should definitely fix nation ’ s faulty voting system before the next election @

Election night, Nov. 3, is being scrutinized as uncertainties with voting, a pandemic, and the rhetoric of President Donald Trump have led to speculation that there might not be a firm resolution. The Onion looks at the most likely ways that election night could unfold.
Early stories of chaos at polling places give way to later stories of chaos at polling places.
CNN crew brings signature pep to covering democracy on brink of collapse.
Early reports indicate uneasy feeling in pit of stomach to continue for few more weeks.
Michigan resident Kathy Peluso breaks 17 years of sobriety.
Joe Biden wins in a landslide, instantly resulting in millions of Americans disengaging with politics for the rest of their lives.
Donald Trump erroneously declares victory before enough mail-in ballots have been destroyed.
One last sweep of nation’s voting booths to remove undecided voters frozen in place.
Fossil fuel executives, pharmaceutical lobbyists, and police everywhere celebrate victorious candidate.
Something burning.
For the 59th time, American populace decides they should definitely fix nation’s faulty voting system before the next election.


theonion--2020-10-30--Mike McCarthy Dismisses Talk Of Locker Room Turmoil After Cowboys Burn Mike McCarthy Effigy On Field

ARLINGTON , TX—Promising that the team was all on the same page heading into this week ’ s matchup with the Eagles , Dallas head coach Mike McCarthy dismissed rumors of turmoil in his locker room Friday after Cowboys players burned an effigy of him at midfield .
“ The media is trying to start a narrative by saying the players pelting an effigy of me with rotten fruit , beheading it , and lighting it on fire is a sign of dissatisfaction , but I assure you we are all just focused on winning , ” said McCarthy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at him by wide receivers Amari Cooper and Michael Gallup .
“ All these writers saying the players have quit on the team just because they overturned my car , that ’ s just bullshit .
You talk about all the photos of me with my eyes gouged out that are pinned to the wall with hunting knives as if it ’ s a story , fine , but we are unified and taking it week by week .
And as far as all the firearms and explosives being stockpiled in the locker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Right now , my only concern is that our pad level is too high.
” At press time , McCarthy was praising the teamwork and hustle of the players who broke into his house and spray- painted “ Resign , ” over every surface .

ARLINGTON, TX—Promising that the team was all on the same page heading into this week’s matchup with the Eagles, Dallas head coach Mike McCarthy dismissed rumors of turmoil in his locker room Friday after Cowboys players burned an effigy of him at midfield. “The media is trying to start a narrative by saying the players pelting an effigy of me with rotten fruit, beheading it, and lighting it on fire is a sign of dissatisfaction, but I assure you we are all just focused on winning,” said McCarthy, dodging a trash can that was hurled at him by wide receivers Amari Cooper and Michael Gallup. “All these writers saying the players have quit on the team just because they overturned my car, that’s just bullshit. You talk about all the photos of me with my eyes gouged out that are pinned to the wall with hunting knives as if it’s a story, fine, but we are unified and taking it week by week. And as far as all the firearms and explosives being stockpiled in the locker room, I have no comment. Right now, my only concern is that our pad level is too high.” At press time, McCarthy was praising the teamwork and hustle of the players who broke into his house and spray- painted “Resign,” over every surface.


theonion--2020-10-30--HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Housebo

HGTV Exec Moans With Pleasure Upon Receiving Word About Triplets Who Flip, Furnish, and Sell Houseboats In The Carolinas

KNOXVILLE , TN—Calling the discovery “ too good to be true , ” HGTV development executive Robert Courter reportedly moaned @ @ @ @ @ word about triplets who flip , furnish , and sell houseboats in the Carolinas .
@ @ @ @ @ at the way they swing those big sledge hammers , ” said Courter , who @ @ @ @ @ as he watched footage of the three sisters exchanging playful banter and barbs while arguing @ @ @ @ @ use for the kitchen backsplash .
“ And they ’ re identical too ?
Fuck @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ ll call it Seeing Triple—wait no—Triple Flip .
Ooh , that ’ @ @ @ @ @ way this could be better is if they were Mormon .
Wait they are ?
@ @ @ @ @ almost too much .
I got to book a flight out there before TLC sinks @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Courter had rushed off to go take a cold shower after @ @ @ @ @ to a rival group of triplet houseboat flippers .

KNOXVILLE, TN—Calling the discovery “too good to be true,” HGTV development executive Robert Courter reportedly moaned with pleasure Friday upon receiving word about triplets who flip, furnish, and sell houseboats in the Carolinas. “Sweet Jesus, look at the way they swing those big sledge hammers,” said Courter, who let out a soft whimper as he watched footage of the three sisters exchanging playful banter and barbs while arguing over which mosaic tiles to use for the kitchen backsplash. “And they’re identical too? Fuck. This is just perfect, we’ll call it Seeing Triple—wait no—Triple Flip. Ooh, that’s it. The only way this could be better is if they were Mormon. Wait they are? Good Lord. This is almost too much. I got to book a flight out there before TLC sinks their claws into them.” At press time, Courter had rushed off to go take a cold shower after learning the siblings were married to a rival group of triplet houseboat flippers.


theonion--2020-10-30--Report: More Souls Deferring Entrance To Heaven For A Year To Backpack Through Spirit Realm

ASTRAL PLANE—Citing an increased desire to take some time for themselves before joining the great choir invisible , more souls are choosing to defer entrance to Heaven for a year in order to spend time backpacking through the spirit realm , according to a comprehensive interfaith report released Thursday .
“ I have my whole afterlife ahead of me to bask in the divine light of God , so I figure , hey , why not stop and spend some time exploring the celestial spheres ?
” said soul Greg Heinlen , one of thousands of incorporeal manifestations planning a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s most popular attractions .
“ I think it ’ s important to contemplate the cosmos at my leisure before I really commit to Heaven .
Obviously , I want to drink from Lethe , the river of forgetfulness , and I want to surf the cosmic tides .
And then , Purgatory—yes , it ’ s basically a tourist trap , but they have super cheap hostels , so I may as well check it out.
” Heavenly officials have stressed that admission for all souls is subject to review and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of lewd pursuits during visits to Hell .

ASTRAL PLANE—Citing an increased desire to take some time for themselves before joining the great choir invisible, more souls are choosing to defer entrance to Heaven for a year in order to spend time backpacking through the spirit realm, according to a comprehensive interfaith report released Thursday. “I have my whole afterlife ahead of me to bask in the divine light of God, so I figure, hey, why not stop and spend some time exploring the celestial spheres?” said soul Greg Heinlen, one of thousands of incorporeal manifestations planning a gap year to enjoy the metaphysical realm’s most popular attractions. “I think it’s important to contemplate the cosmos at my leisure before I really commit to Heaven. Obviously, I want to drink from Lethe, the river of forgetfulness, and I want to surf the cosmic tides. And then, Purgatory—yes, it’s basically a tourist trap, but they have super cheap hostels, so I may as well check it out.” Heavenly officials have stressed that admission for all souls is subject to review and possible revocation if evidence comes to light of lewd pursuits during visits to Hell.


theonion--2020-10-30--Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find

Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out

A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri .
A young , die-hard Democrat from Boston .
Can they put their difference @ @ @ @ @ there is more that unites us than divides us ?
We ’ ll find out @ @ @ @ @ the door of the room they ’ ve been sealed inside of for the last @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

A pro-Trump voter from rural Missouri. A young, die-hard Democrat from Boston. Can they put their difference aside, and prove that there is more that unites us than divides us? We’ll find out as soon as we unlock the door of the room they’ve been sealed inside of for the last week.
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You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-02--Poland Enters Day 12 Of Nationwide Protests Following Abortion Ruling

For nearly two weeks , hundreds of thousands of people have marched through Warsaw and other major cities in Poland @ @ @ @ @ a new court ruling that leaves the country with a near-total ban on abortion .
@ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m glad to be l iving in a country where that ’ @ @ @ @ @ my particular state.
” “ I guess I didn ’ t realize people in other @ @ @ @ @ ”

For nearly two weeks, hundreds of thousands of people have marched through Warsaw and other major cities in Poland to protest the government and a new court ruling that leaves the country with a near-total ban on abortion. What do you think?
“I’m glad to be l iving in a country where that’s not the law in my particular state.” Ursula Fournier • Systems Analyst
“I guess I didn’t realize people in other countries can get pregnant.” Rick Lefler • Cotton Swab Expert
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theonion--2020-11-02--Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy

SCHAUMBURG , IL —Waving homemade signs outside the department store , anti-jacket demonstrators reportedly held a rally at Burlington Coat Factory Monday to protest what they called the “ liberal cold weather conspiracy.
” “ The elite at Burlington Coat Factory think they can convince us that parkas and down jackets can protect us from the quote-unquote ‘ chilliness , ’ but we know better than that , ” said rally attendee Leigh Stanton , who accused the retail chain of fear-mongering over dangerously cold temperatures to control Americans and restrict their mobility with thick layers and big puffy sleeves @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coat , then you put on a hat and scarf , and next thing you know they got you covered up everywhere but your eyes .
Well , if you think I ’ m going to willingly zip up a straitjacket , then you ’ re fucking crazy .
I can ’ t use my hands when I wear mittens , and that ’ s exactly what they want .
No one ’ s going to bundle me up , because this is America .
These tyrants know the heat from your body @ @ @ @ @ @ @ alive .
And when you think about it , people get cold regardless of what they wear , so what ’ s a jacket going to do to stop the wind from hitting your skin ?
” At press time , Stanton added that in just a few short months , all of this so-called winter weather would magically disappear .

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Waving homemade signs outside the department store, anti-jacket demonstrators held a rally at Burlington Coat Factory Monday to protest what they called the “liberal cold weather conspiracy.” “The elite at Burlington Coat Factory think they can convince us that parkas and down jackets can protect us from the quote-unquote ‘chilliness,’ but we know better than that,” said rally attendee Leigh Stanton, who accused the retail chain of fear-mongering over dangerously cold temperatures to control Americans and restrict their mobility with thick layers and big puffy sleeves. “First you put on a coat, then you put on a hat and scarf, and next thing you know they got you covered up everywhere but your eyes. Well, if you think I’m going to willingly zip up a straitjacket, then you’re fucking crazy. I can’t use my hands when I wear mittens, and that’s exactly what they want. No one’s going to bundle me up, because this is America. These tyrants know the heat from your body will get trapped inside and boil you alive. And when you think about it, people get cold regardless of what they wear, so what’s a jacket going to do to stop the wind from hitting your skin?” At press time, Stanton added that in just a few short months, all of this so-called winter weather would magically disappear.


theonion--2020-11-02--Woman Hopes She Did Enough Worrying To Help Biden Campaign

ERIE , PA—Waiting on tenterhooks on the eve of the election , local woman Elise Stalter expressed her hope Monday @ @ @ @ @ worrying to help the Biden presidential campaign .
“ I ’ ve been panicking pretty @ @ @ @ @ last few months , but now that there ’ s only one day left , @ @ @ @ @ have done more , ” said Stalter , admitting that while she had regularly taken @ @ @ @ @ in a puddle of despair , she couldn ’ t shake the feeling that she @ @ @ @ @ with her mental breakdown .
“ I ’ ve been sending out texts telling everyone @ @ @ @ @ m constantly on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack , and I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ a variety of self-soothing products .
Now I just pray that I ’ ve experienced @ @ @ @ @ a difference.
” At press time , Stalter consoled herself that she still had almost @ @ @ @ @ into a catatonic state .

ERIE, PA—Waiting on tenterhooks on the eve of the election, local woman Elise Stalter expressed her hope Monday that she had done enough worrying to help the Biden presidential campaign. “I’ve been panicking pretty much every day for the last few months, but now that there’s only one day left, I wonder if I could have done more,” said Stalter, admitting that while she had regularly taken to the streets to collapse in a puddle of despair, she couldn’t shake the feeling that she could have gone even further with her mental breakdown. “I’ve been sending out texts telling everyone I know that I’m constantly on the verge of a full-blown anxiety attack, and I’ve spent hundreds of dollars supporting a variety of self-soothing products. Now I just pray that I’ve experienced enough existential dread to make a difference.” At press time, Stalter consoled herself that she still had almost a full day to slip into a catatonic state.


theonion--2020-11-02--Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And S

Michigan Hopes To Increase Voter Turnout By Making It Legal To Cast Ballot By Stepping Outside And Shouting Candidate’s Name

Plus , we ’ ll sit down with OPR ’ s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of @ @ @ @ @ but we still give him some air time every four years anyway .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Plus, we’ll sit down with OPR’s immortal election expert who has only predicted 12 of 58 presidential elections correctly, but we still give him some air time every four years anyway.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.
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theonion--2020-11-02--Leopard Mauls Man Who Paid To Have Pictures Taken

A man was mauled by a black leopard after paying $ 150 to have a “ full contact experience ” @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ I hope they got to do a silly one @ @ @ @ @ So irresponsible .
That man never should have been allowed near money .
”

A man was mauled by a black leopard after paying $150 to have a “full contact experience” with the dangerous animal. What do you think?
“I hope they got to do a silly one before the mauling.” Steven Feingold • Poison Tester
“So irresponsible. That man never should have been allowed near money.” Brett Winnbrandt • Computer Simulation Debunker
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theonion--2020-11-03--Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkin

Disgusted Election Officials Unable To Count Over 5 Million Ballots That Were Clearly Used As Napkins

Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter ’ s face or clean @ @ @ @ @ tonight ’ s election outcome .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

Hear why these unmistakably nasty ballots that were used to either wipe off a voter’s face or clean up a spill could affect tonight’s election outcome.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.
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theonion--2020-11-03--Report: Nothing Could Go Wrong On A Day As Beautiful As This

STOCKBRIDGE , MA—Urging readers to just take a look at the shining sun and the blue sky stretched far as @ @ @ @ @ a report released Tuesday morning found that nothing could go wrong on a day as @ @ @ @ @ Boy oh boy , the birds are singing and there isn ’ t a cloud @ @ @ @ @ ’ t possibly take a wrong turn , ” the report read in part , @ @ @ @ @ the autumn leaves , the crisp refreshing breeze , and the scent of woodsmoke in @ @ @ @ @ that there wasn ’ t a single thing to worry about for the next 24 @ @ @ @ @ all you need to do to guarantee you ’ ll have an incredible day is @ @ @ @ @ throw open the curtains , and greet the gorgeous morning with open arms !
After @ @ @ @ @ could possibly go awry when you ’ re living in paradise ?
” The report @ @ @ @ @ tomorrow would almost certainly be a complete fucking nightmare .

STOCKBRIDGE, MA—Urging readers to just take a look at the shining sun and the blue sky stretching far as the eye could see, a report released Tuesday morning found that nothing could go wrong on a day as beautiful as this. “Boy oh boy, the birds are singing and there isn’t a cloud in sight—yessiree, today couldn’t possibly take a wrong turn,” the report read in part, describing the golden tinge to the autumn leaves, the crisp refreshing breeze, and the scent of woodsmoke in the air as further proof that there wasn’t a single thing to worry about for the next 24 hours. “Frankly, all you need to do to guarantee you’ll have an incredible day is roll out of bed, throw open the curtains, and greet the gorgeous morning with open arms! After all, folks, what could possibly go awry when you’re living in paradise?” The report conceded, however, that tomorrow would almost certainly be a complete fucking nightmare.


theonion--2020-11-03--Burger King, Popeyes Introduce ‘Predictive Selling Technology’

The parent company of Burger King , Popeyes , and Tim Horton ’ s restaurants will add “ predictive selling @ @ @ @ @ over the next two years , which they say will tailor promotions to consumers based @ @ @ @ @ patterns , time of day , and other factors .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ personal humiliation of the cashier knowing my regular order.
” “ Sorry , but my @ @ @ @ @ personal business and whoever my credit card company sells the information to.
” “ No @ @ @ @ @ complex beauty that is my Burger King order .
”

The parent company of Burger King, Popeyes, and Tim Horton’s restaurants will add “predictive selling technology” to 10,000 drive-thrus over the next two years, which they say will tailor promotions to consumers based on previous orders, weather patterns, time of day, and other factors. What do you think?
“I prefer the more personal humiliation of the cashier knowing my regular order.” Lee Phachanla, Candy Ethicist
“Sorry, but my fast food orders are my personal business and whoever my credit card company sells the information to.” Kristi Sine, Local Mercenary
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theonion--2020-11-04--Passed California Ballot Measure Allows Uber, Lyft To Categorize Workers As Car Parts

SAN FRANCISCO—In what amounts to an unequivocal victory for the multibillion-dollar rideshare corporations , California ballot measure 22 officially passed @ @ @ @ @ Lyft to categorize their workers as car parts .
“ We ’ re absolutely thrilled @ @ @ @ @ us legally recognize drivers as a crucial aspect of an automobile ’ s operation , @ @ @ @ @ Khosrowshahi , confirming that the new legislation would give workers the same basic rights and @ @ @ @ @ components such as the muffler or brake pad .
“ This brings us one step @ @ @ @ @ where workers will have the freedom to spend a few hours filling in as part @ @ @ @ @ steering system before going to a second gig working as a shopping basket for Instacart @ @ @ @ @ a forklift for Amazon.
” Khosrowshahi added that while the ballot measure did not provide @ @ @ @ @ would require drivers to be swapped out every 5,000 miles .

SAN FRANCISCO—In what amounts to an unequivocal victory for the multibillion-dollar rideshare corporations, California ballot measure 22 officially passed Tuesday, allowing Uber and Lyft to categorize their workers as car parts. “We’re absolutely thrilled with this outcome that lets us legally recognize drivers as a crucial aspect of an automobile’s operation,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, confirming that the new legislation would give workers the same basic rights and protections as any other vehicle components such as the muffler or brake pad. “This brings us one step closer to a brighter future where workers will have the freedom to spend a few hours filling in as part of a car’s steering system before going to a second gig working as a shopping basket for Instacart and a third gig as a forklift for Amazon.” Khosrowshahi added that while the ballot measure did not provide substantive healthcare benefits, it would require drivers to be swapped out every 5,000 miles.


theonion--2020-11-04--Amy McGrath Blows Remaining Campaign Funds On Lavish Concession Bonanza

FRANKFORT , KY—In an effort to ensure every last cent of the raised $ 84 million was put to good use , defeated Democratic Senate candidate Amy McGrath reportedly blew her remaining campaign funds Wednesday on a lavish concession bonanza .
“ We may not have beat Mitch McConnell last night , but this grassroots movement isn ’ t finished—we ’ re taking it to Dubai , Monaco , and hitting up the casinos in Singapore , ” said McGrath , who reminded the crowd not to forget to pick up their Fabergé egg gift bags near the front gate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jenner selfie station .
“ I ’ d be nothing without my amazing team of staff , volunteers , the Bengal tiger trainers , Madonna , and the dozens of Playboy bunnies passing out Dom Pérignon .
And of course , above all else , I ’ d like to thank my family and U2 , who were very expensive to book and fly in privately so be sure to check them out after the Blue Angels show.
” At press time , McGrath had peeled away from the blowout in a brand-new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of fireworks spelling out ‘ Resist !
’ exploded in the sky .

FRANKFORT, KY—In an effort to ensure every last cent of the raised $84 million was put to good use, defeated Democratic Senate candidate Amy McGrath reportedly blew her remaining campaign funds Wednesday on a lavish concession bonanza. “We may not have beat Mitch McConnell last night, but this grassroots movement isn’t finished—we’re taking it to Dubai, Monaco, and hitting up the casinos in Singapore,” said McGrath, who reminded the crowd not to forget to pick up their Fabergé egg gift bags near the front gate between the second dolphin pool and Kylie Jenner selfie station. “I’d be nothing without my amazing team of staff, volunteers, the Bengal tiger trainers, Madonna, and the dozens of Playboy bunnies passing out Dom Pérignon. And of course, above all else, I’d like to thank my family and U2, who were very expensive to book and fly in privately so be sure to check them out after the Blue Angels show.” At press time, McGrath had peeled away from the blowout in a brand-new yellow Bugatti as $2 million worth of fireworks spelling out ‘Resist!’ exploded in the sky.


theonion--2020-11-04--‘How Can They Expect Me To Focus Today?’ Asks Man Putting In Usual Half-Assed Effort At Work

NEW YORK—Though he was indignant that his employer expected him to carry on as normal while the nation awaited results in what might be the most important election of his adult life , sources confirmed local data analyst Dennis Andino nonetheless put in his ordinary half-assed effort at work Wednesday .
“ Seriously , how the hell can I stay focused on anything else when the future of our country hangs in the balance like this ?
” said Andino who , during a typical day on the job , completes the bare minimum amount of work necessary to avoid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Monday and Tuesday refreshing Twitter ahead of the NFL ’ s trade deadline .
“ I honestly don ’ t understand how I ’ m supposed to [ file a report that was due three weeks ago and answer a day-old email from a supervisor ] as if nothing else is happening in the world .
I was so anxious last night I could barely sleep , yet I ’ m still expected to [ complete a tiny fraction of the responsibilities outlined in his job description ] like I would any other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , reports stated that the bitter , disappointed man who goes to the office every day with a raging hangover had apologized to his co workers , saying he was a bit irritable from the election stress .

NEW YORK—Though he was indignant that his employer expected him to carry on as normal while the nation awaited results in what might be the most important election of his adult life, sources confirmed local data analyst Dennis Andino nonetheless put in his ordinary half-assed effort at work Wednesday. “Seriously, how the hell can I stay focused on anything else when the future of our country hangs in the balance like this?” said Andino who, during a typical day on the job, completes the bare minimum amount of work necessary to avoid being fired and who spent much of Monday and Tuesday refreshing Twitter ahead of the NFL’s trade deadline. “I honestly don’t understand how I’m supposed to [file a report that was due three weeks ago and answer a day-old email from a supervisor] as if nothing else is happening in the world. I was so anxious last night I could barely sleep, yet I’m still expected to [complete a tiny fraction of the responsibilities outlined in his job description] like I would any other day. This is bullshit.” At press time, reports stated that the bitter, disappointed man who goes to the office every day with a raging hangover had apologized to his co workers, saying he was a bit irritable from the election stress.


theonion--2020-11-04--Nation Sees Fundamental Realignment In Which Voting Demographics Should Be Demonized

WASHINGTON—Describing the previous night ’ s results as a shocking transformation in their understanding of the electorate , political analysts told reporters Wednesday night that the 2020 election represented a fundamental realignment in which voting demographics should be demonized .
“ Frankly , these results reveal nothing less than a massive sea change of who political parties blame for all of this nation ’ s problems , ” said Stanford University polling expert Harry Mills , noting the Republican Party ’ s historic steps towards creating a diverse multiracial coalition would have repercussions for decades to come in how it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Of course , liberal politicians have been edging toward blaming Cubans and Jewish Americans for their problems for years .
But no one ever expected they would be able to vilify them so quickly—and certainly not alongside such a broad assortment of minority strawmen like B lack men and homosexuals .
Where once it was common sense that Democrats only needed to say non-college-educated whites were bigots voting against their own self-interest , it now seems they ’ ll also need to pin electoral failures on Hispanics who refuse to use the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stunning development.
” At press time , the Democratic Party had used preliminary analyses of the election ’ s outcome to draft a series of outcomes telling Latinos how badly they had botched the election for the rest of us .

WASHINGTON—Describing the previous night’s results as a shocking transformation in their understanding of the electorate, political analysts told reporters Wednesday night that the 2020 election represented a fundamental realignment in which voting demographics should be demonized. “Frankly, these results reveal nothing less than a massive sea change of who political parties blame for all of this nation’s problems,” said Stanford University polling expert Harry Mills, noting the Republican Party’s historic steps towards creating a diverse multiracial coalition would have repercussions for decades to come in how it alters the understanding of electoral scapegoats. “Of course, liberal politicians have been edging toward blaming Cubans and Jewish Americans for their problems for years. But no one ever expected they would be able to vilify them so quickly—and certainly not alongside such a broad assortment of minority strawmen like B lack men and homosexuals. Where once it was common sense that Democrats only needed to say non-college-educated whites were bigots voting against their own self-interest, it now seems they’ll also need to pin electoral failures on Hispanics who refuse to use the term Latinx. It’s a stunning development.” At press time, the Democratic Party had used preliminary analyses of the election’s outcome to draft a series of outcomes telling Latinos how badly they had botched the election for the rest of us.


theonion--2020-11-04--History Of Contested U.S. Elections

History Of Contested U.S. Elections

The 2020 race is shaping up to be a controversial election , including President Trump ’ s campaign demanding a recount in Wisconsin , but it ’ s hardly the first time in U.S. history that an election ’ s outcome was contested .
The Onion looks back at a history of contested elections in the U.S. • 1800 : Many people think America always had a functional democracy , but the system actually broke after just two tries .
• 1820 : Election of James Monroe thrown into turmoil when voters realized they ’ d been thinking of James @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : John Quincy Adams accused of corruption for appointing rival Henry Clay to secretary of state in exchange for his support , a move that still serves as the basis for most Cabinet picks .
• 1876 : Republican Rutherford B. Hayes ultimately declared victor after agreeing to adopt Democratic Party ’ s platform of not giving a shit about Black people .
• 1888 : Grover Cleveland receives majority of America ’ s votes and loses because sometimes democracy is funny that way .
• 1960 : Richard Nixon believes John F. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ opted to concede for the good of the country , a thing people did back then .
• 1984 : This one was pretty uneventful , actually .
Our bad .
• 2016 : No idea , man , it was a long time ago .

The 2020 race is shaping up to be a controversial election, including President Trump’s campaign demanding a recount in Wisconsin, but it’s hardly the first time in U.S. history that an election’s outcome was contested. The Onion looks back at a history of contested elections in the U.S.
1800 : Many people think America always had a functional democracy, but the system actually broke after just two tries.
: Many people think America always had a functional democracy, but the system actually broke after just two tries. 1820 : Election of James Monroe thrown into turmoil when voters realized they’d been thinking of James Madison the whole time.
: Election of James Monroe thrown into turmoil when voters realized they’d been thinking of James Madison the whole time. 1824 : John Quincy Adams accused of corruption for appointing rival Henry Clay to secretary of state in exchange for his support, a move that still serves as the basis for most Cabinet picks.
: John Quincy Adams accused of corruption for appointing rival Henry Clay to secretary of state in exchange for his support, a move that still serves as the basis for most Cabinet picks. 1876 : Republican Rutherford B. Hayes ultimately declared victor after agreeing to adopt Democratic Party’s platform of not giving a shit about Black people.
: Republican Rutherford B. Hayes ultimately declared victor after agreeing to adopt Democratic Party’s platform of not giving a shit about Black people. 1888 : Grover Cleveland receives majority of America’s votes and loses because sometimes democracy is funny that way.
: Grover Cleveland receives majority of America’s votes and loses because sometimes democracy is funny that way. 1960 : Richard Nixon believes John F. Kennedy stole the election from him but opted to concede for the good of the country, a thing people did back then.
: Richard Nixon believes John F. Kennedy stole the election from him but opted to concede for the good of the country, a thing people did back then. 1984 : This one was pretty uneventful, actually. Our bad.
: This one was pretty uneventful, actually. Our bad. 2000 : Supreme Court grants its 29 electoral votes to George W. Bush.
: Supreme Court grants its 29 electoral votes to George W. Bush. 2016: No idea, man, it was a long time ago .


theonion--2020-11-04--Johnny Depp Loses Libel Case Against British Tabloid

A court in London has ruled that the British tabloid The Sun did not commit libel when they published a @ @ @ @ @ Depp was abusive toward his ex-wife Amber Heard , which the judge ruled to be @ @ @ @ @ on evidence presented by the defense .
What do you think ?
“ Where ’ @ @ @ @ @ of the photos , audio recordings , and text messages ?
” “ This is @ @ @ @ @ autograph a little awkward for the judge.
” “ Well everyone knows the British legal @ @ @ @ @ .
”

A court in London has ruled that the British tabloid The Sun did not commit libel when they published a 2018 article claiming actor Johnny Depp was abusive toward his ex-wife Amber Heard, which the judge ruled to be “substantially true” based on evidence presented by the defense. What do you think?
“Where’s the so-called proof outside of the photos, audio recordings, and text messages?” Peter Bikel • Systems Analyst
“This is going to make getting an autograph a little awkward for the judge.” Lindsay Werner • Gourd Chef
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theonion--2020-11-04--Newly Elected QAnon Congresswoman Worried She Selling Out By Working With Pedophile Cabal

ALPHARETTA , GA—As the glow of her victory dimmed and the reality of what she ’ d agreed to do finally dawned on her , newly elected QAnon-supporting Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene ( R-GA ) was reportedly worried Wednesday morning that she was selling out by going to work with a pedophile cabal .
“ I mean , Congress is rife with dozens , if not hundre ds , of Satanists who sell kids into sex slavery , and I really signed up to go work with them ?
What ’ s wrong with me ?
” said Greene , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ running for office would have to make some compromises , she wondered how she was going to maintain her anti-pedophile credentials if she willingly worked alongside all the child molesters in Congress .
“ Only a complete and utter sellout would spend all this time railing against the House of Representatives , one of the centers of the global sex-trafficking ring that President Trump is nobly trying to fight against , and then sign up to join them .
Where is my sense of ethics ?
Try to change things from the inside @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I could talk to a younger version of myself , all full of hope that we could successfully dismantle the global child-trafficking ring , I just hope she would still respect me.
” At press time , an increasingly remorseful Greene was reportedly considering giving her seat up altogether after receiving a call from House minority leader Kevin McCarthy informing her that she would receive an assignment to sit on the House Subcommittee For Adrenochrome Harvesting .

ALPHARETTA, GA—As the glow of her victory dimmed and the reality of what she’d agreed to do finally dawned on her, newly elected QAnon-supporting Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA) was reportedly worried Wednesday morning that she was selling out by going to work with a pedophile cabal. “I mean, Congress is rife with dozens, if not hundre ds, of Satanists who sell kids into sex slavery, and I really signed up to go work with them? What’s wrong with me?” said Greene, who said that although she knew anyone running for office would have to make some compromises, she wondered how she was going to maintain her anti-pedophile credentials if she willingly worked alongside all the child molesters in Congress. “Only a complete and utter sellout would spend all this time railing against the House of Representatives, one of the centers of the global sex-trafficking ring that President Trump is nobly trying to fight against, and then sign up to join them. Where is my sense of ethics? Try to change things from the inside, I told myself—fat chance. If I could talk to a younger version of myself, all full of hope that we could successfully dismantle the global child-trafficking ring, I just hope she would still respect me.” At press time, an increasingly remorseful Greene was reportedly considering giving her seat up altogether after receiving a call from House minority leader Kevin McCarthy informing her that she would receive an assignment to sit on the House Subcommittee For Adrenochrome Harvesting.


theonion--2020-11-04--Whale Sculpture Saves Train From Crashing

Dutch authorities say a subway train that derailed from its elevated track avoided plunging to the ground below after it @ @ @ @ @ of a whale ’ s tail .
What do you think ?
“ Let thi @ @ @ @ @ countries looking to cut funding for the arts.
” “ Art is supposed to challenge @ @ @ @ @ feel safe.
” “ This is like something out of a big-budget , Dutch summer @ @ @

Dutch authorities say a subway train that derailed from its elevated track avoided plunging to the ground below after it caught on a 32-foot statue of a whale’s tail. What do you think?
“Let thi s be a lesson to countries looking to cut funding for the arts.” Yvonne Doyle • Jacuzzi Merchant
“Art is supposed to challenge us, not make us feel safe.” Robert Antill • Pin Cushion Designer
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theonion--2020-11-04--CNN Seamstresses Frantically Updating Results On Electoral Map Quilt

NEW YORK—Unrolling yet another bolt of quilter ’ s weight cotton as vote tallies poured in from across the country , CNN seamstresses reportedly worked frantically Tuesday night to update county-by-county results on the network ’ s massive electoral map quilt .
“ Dammit , we ’ ve got an upset in the Adirondacks and only 25 seconds till we ’ re back from commercial—who has the red satin thread ?
” shouted senior needlework editor Marilyn Evers , 62 , who used a seam ripper to tear out the blue stitches surrounding a sparsely populated county in upstate New @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of President Trump .
“ Also , it may come down to the wire , so we need to have both a red and a blue poly-blend Florida backed with fusible interfacing .
Let ’ s have that shit ready to iron on the map as soon as it ’ s decided .
And let ’ s use some scraps of that adorable polka dot fabric Ellen brought in to appliqué a question mark on North Carolina so that Mr. Tapper will have something to point to when he announces it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and by the way , if I look up at that screen tonight and see a state without properly bound edges and mitered corners , someone ’ s gon na lose their job .
This is CNN , for fuck ’ s sake !
” At press time , sources confirmed Evers had completed an intricate , hand-embroidered donkey in the southeast corner of Florida just in time to announce Broward County had gone to Joe Biden .

NEW YORK—Unrolling yet another bolt of quilter’s weight cotton as vote tallies poured in from across the country, CNN seamstresses reportedly worked frantically Tuesday night to update county-by-county results on the network’s massive electoral map quilt. “Dammit, we’ve got an upset in the Adirondacks and only 25 seconds till we’re back from commercial—who has the red satin thread?” shouted senior needlework editor Marilyn Evers, 62, who used a seam ripper to tear out the blue stitches surrounding a sparsely populated county in upstate New York that had unexpectedly flipped in favor of President Trump. “Also, it may come down to the wire, so we need to have both a red and a blue poly-blend Florida backed with fusible interfacing. Let’s have that shit ready to iron on the map as soon as it’s decided. And let’s use some scraps of that adorable polka dot fabric Ellen brought in to appliqué a question mark on North Carolina so that Mr. Tapper will have something to point to when he announces it’s still too close to call. Oh, and by the way, if I look up at that screen tonight and see a state without properly bound edges and mitered corners, someone’s gonna lose their job. This is CNN, for fuck’s sake!” At press time, sources confirmed Evers had completed an intricate, hand-embroidered donkey in the southeast corner of Florida just in time to announce Broward County had gone to Joe Biden.


theonion--2020-11-04--Flustered Wolf Blitzer Cuts To Malaysian Airplane Coverage To Distract From Lack Of Concrete Results

ATLANTA—As time continued to pass without any election developments to report , an increasingly flustered CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer cut to coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to distract from a lack of concrete results .
“ We can now conclusively state that Flight 370 did not go down off of the western coast of Australia—repeat , that ’ s our final call on whether the flight ended up off the coast of Australia , although we can ’ t yet make any final determination about whether the plane is somewhere else in the Indian Ocean .
In @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Anderson Cooper to see if there are any new developments since air traffic controllers lost contact , ” stammered Blitzer , as a sweating , visibly nervous CNN analyst John King moved from the network ’ s Magic Wall showing most states grayed out to a map of Southeast Asia where he marked areas that represented the flight ’ s trajectory and the last time it had been heard from in March 2014 .
“ Right , so , while the search has covered around 50,000 square miles , it has so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ parts of a plane ’ s right wing and right stabilizer that could have been part of the vanished Boeing 777 aircraft , and there ’ s been a whole host of controversy surrounding the Malaysian government ’ s response to the plane ’ s disappearance .
While we ’ re , um , waiting to confirm anything on the West Coast or even get some reliable exit polling out of Michigan or Pennsylvania that might tell us which way the election is going , we ’ ll be hearing from an official @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the likelihood a plane could go missing , and what kinds of changes have been made in aviation safety over the past six years .
But first , we ’ re going to hear from our correspondents Arlette Saenz and Jeff Zeleny , who are waiting for any statements from the Joe Biden campaign , but in the meantime are going to reopen the case of the death of Diana , Princess of Wales , and explore several key developments that have happened over the past 15 years , and then , uh @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in Texas , maybe Dana Bash can talk about the Carnival cruise ship from 2013 where many passengers got sick before a power outage turned the boat into a feces-covered nightmare.
” The agitated Blitzer added that the network could not confirm how the Malaysia Airlines flight ’ s 239 passengers and crew members would have voted in the 2020 election .

ATLANTA—As time continued to pass without any election developments to report, an increasingly flustered CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer cut to coverage of the missing Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 to distract from a lack of concrete results. “We can now conclusively state that Flight 370 did not go down off of the western coast of Australia—repeat, that’s our final call on whether the flight ended up off the coast of Australia, although we can’t yet make any final determination about whether the plane is somewhere else in the Indian Ocean. In the meantime, we’ll go to Anderson Cooper to see if there are any new developments since air traffic controllers lost contact,” stammered Blitzer, as a sweating, visibly nervous CNN analyst John King moved from the network’s Magic Wall showing most states grayed out to a map of Southeast Asia where he marked areas that represented the flight’s trajectory and the last time it had been heard from in March 2014. “Right, so, while the search has covered around 50,000 square miles, it has so far failed to turn up more than parts of a plane’s right wing and right stabilizer that could have been part of the vanished Boeing 777 aircraft, and there’s been a whole host of controversy surrounding the Malaysian government’s response to the plane’s disappearance. While we’re, um, waiting to confirm anything on the West Coast or even get some reliable exit polling out of Michigan or Pennsylvania that might tell us which way the election is going, we’ll be hearing from an official from the International Civil Aviation Association about the likelihood a plane could go missing, and what kinds of changes have been made in aviation safety over the past six years. But first, we’re going to hear from our correspondents Arlette Saenz and Jeff Zeleny, who are waiting for any statements from the Joe Biden campaign, but in the meantime are going to reopen the case of the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, and explore several key developments that have happened over the past 15 years, and then, uh, depending on what’s happening in Texas, maybe Dana Bash can talk about the Carnival cruise ship from 2013 where many passengers got sick before a power outage turned the boat into a feces-covered nightmare.” The agitated Blitzer added that the network could not confirm how the Malaysia Airlines flight’s 239 passengers and crew members would have voted in the 2020 election.


theonion--2020-11-04--Poll: 94% Of Nation Would Rather Live In Authoritarian Dictatorship Than Wait 10 More Minutes For Re

Poll: 94% Of Nation Would Rather Live In Authoritarian Dictatorship Than Wait 10 More Minutes For Results

WASHINGTON—With almost all respondents claiming there is no agony greater than anticipation , a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that 94 % of the nation would rather live in an authoritarian dictatorship than wait 10 more minutes for election results .
“ I would much prefer to be subjected to the cruel whims of an autocratic megalomaniac than wait any longer for the final election outcome , ” said Georgia resident Chris Mitchell , who , along with a nearly unanimous majority of Americans , expressed a willingness to be dragged from his house by government agents in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would result in a shorter period of uncertainty .
“ Being forced to do hard labor in a concentration camp ?
Sign me up if it means I could finally find out who won this damn thing .
Feed me propaganda , shoot dissidents in the street , do away with elections altogether , I don ’ t care !
I ’ ll accept anything at this point .
I just want to know.
” At press time , the other 6 % of respondents confirmed that they were willing to wait another @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—With almost all respondents claiming there is no agony greater than anticipation, a new Gallup poll released Tuesday found that 94% of the nation would rather live in an authoritarian dictatorship than wait 10 more minutes for election results. “I would much prefer to be subjected to the cruel whims of an autocratic megalomaniac than wait any longer for the final election outcome,” said Georgia resident Chris Mitchell, who, along with a nearly unanimous majority of Americans, expressed a willingness to be dragged from his house by government agents in the dead of night and disappeared if it would result in a shorter period of uncertainty. “Being forced to do hard labor in a concentration camp? Sign me up if it means I could finally find out who won this damn thing. Feed me propaganda, shoot dissidents in the street, do away with elections altogether, I don’t care! I’ll accept anything at this point. I just want to know.” At press time, the other 6% of respondents confirmed that they were willing to wait another five minutes maximum.


theonion--2020-11-03--Man Buys Couple Boxes Of Mac And Cheese In Case Society Descends Into Blood-Soaked Pandemonium

PHILADELPHIA—Deciding to prepare himself for any situation that might emerge following the election , area man Josh Miller bought a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese on his way home from work in case society descended into a horrifying , blood-soaked pandemonium , sources confirmed Tuesday .
“ Having a few things of Easy Mac on hand isn ’ t such a bad idea if the entire social order collapses and we ’ re left to fend for ourselves amidst the chaos , ” the 44-year-old reportedly thought to himself as he perused the aisles of his local grocery store @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his hands and the half box of granola bars awaiting him at home , he should be able to ride out whatever anarchic and merciless state of nature remained after the failure of American democracy .
“ These will be good for a lunch or a dinner if I don ’ t want to leave my place because constitutional government has ended and the streets are running red with the blood of civilians .
I ’ m also gon na grab a frozen pizza or two .
I ’ m probably being overcautious @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which the social contract has been voided and everyone starts killing everyone else just to snatch whatever valuables they have on their person , I ’ ll be glad I did .
Not sure I need much else , though .
Maybe some extra batteries for the TV remote ?
” At press time , reports confirmed Miller had begun to panic after browsing the beverage section and realizing the store didn ’ t ca rry blue Gatorade .

PHILADELPHIA—Deciding to prepare himself for any situation that might emerge following the election, area man Josh Miller bought a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese on his way home from work in case society descended into a horrifying, blood-soaked pandemonium, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Having a few things of Easy Mac on hand isn’t such a bad idea if the entire social order collapses and we’re left to fend for ourselves amidst the chaos,” the 44-year-old reportedly thought to himself as he perused the aisles of his local grocery store, determining that between the macaroni in his hands and the half box of granola bars awaiting him at home, he should be able to ride out whatever anarchic and merciless state of nature remained after the failure of American democracy. “These will be good for a lunch or a dinner if I don’t want to leave my place because constitutional government has ended and the streets are running red with the blood of civilians. I’m also gonna grab a frozen pizza or two. I’m probably being overcautious, but if a scenario develops in which the social contract has been voided and everyone starts killing everyone else just to snatch whatever valuables they have on their person, I’ll be glad I did. Not sure I need much else, though. Maybe some extra batteries for the TV remote?” At press time, reports confirmed Miller had begun to panic after browsing the beverage section and realizing the store didn’t ca rry blue Gatorade.


theonion--2020-11-03--InfoWars Offers Readers Guide To Staying Psychotic, Violent During Stressful Election Day

AUSTIN , TX—Providing simple methods for entering a completely unhinged state , the far-right conspiracy theory website InfoWars reportedly offered readers Tuesday a helpful guide to staying psychotic and violent during the stressful Election Day .
“ In order to make sure you maintain a sense of derangement and hostility during this tumultuous time , we recommend keeping yourself agitated by blasting election coverage at full volume on multiple devices while continuously shrieking batshit insane accusations at imaginary deep- state actors who are trying to destroy America , ” read the guide in part , adding that as long as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should continuously do little things throughout the day to stay volatile and disconnected from reality such as punching holes in your apartment ’ s drywall or calling up your estranged family and screaming threats .
“ You ’ re going to want to make sure you are shirtless for upwards of 36 hours , and should you find yourself losing energy , make sure to take a handful of off-market supplements and prescription drugs to help give yourself the boost you need to stay as aggravated and paranoid as possible .
And don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by repeatedly shooting at a cardboard cutout of a hated politician with an AR-15.
” The guide added that readers who were struggling to achieve a frenzied mental state should hop in their car and drive through a polling place .

AUSTIN, TX—Providing simple methods for entering a completely unhinged state, the far-right conspiracy theory website InfoWars reportedly offered readers Tuesday a helpful guide to staying psychotic and violent during the stressful Election Day. “In order to make sure you maintain a sense of derangement and hostility during this tumultuous time, we recommend keeping yourself agitated by blasting election coverage at full volume on multiple devices while continuously shrieking batshit insane accusations at imaginary deep- state actors who are trying to destroy America,” read the guide in part, adding that as long as the election results remain uncertain, readers should continuously do little things throughout the day to stay volatile and disconnected from reality such as punching holes in your apartment’s drywall or calling up your estranged family and screaming threats. “You’re going to want to make sure you are shirtless for upwards of 36 hours, and should you find yourself losing energy, make sure to take a handful of off-market supplements and prescription drugs to help give yourself the boost you need to stay as aggravated and paranoid as possible. And don’t forget to get extra twitchy by repeatedly shooting at a cardboard cutout of a hated politician with an AR-15.” The guide added that readers who were struggling to achieve a frenzied mental state should hop in their car and drive through a polling place.


theonion--2020-11-03--‘Baby Shark’ Becomes Most-Viewed Youtube Video Of All Time

“ Baby Shark , ” the children ’ s song produced by South Korean company Pinkfong , has been played @ @ @ @ @ beating Luis Fonsi ’ s “ Despacito ” to become the most-watched Youtube video ever @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I am dismay ed at the infantilization of one of nature ’ s @ @ @ @ @ To be fair , a number of those views are probably from the Baby Shark @ @ @ @ @ .
”

“Baby Shark,” the children’s song produced by South Korean company Pinkfong, has been played over 7.043 billion times, beating Luis Fonsi’s “Despacito” to become the most-watched Youtube video ever. What do you think?
“I am dismay ed at the infantilization of one of nature’s most powerful predators.” Drew Abecassis • Unemployed
“May it reign a thousand years.” Conor Perrin • Billboard Erector
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theonion--2020-11-04--Woman Loads Up On Discounted Voting Machines Day After Election

PORTSMOUTH , NH—Taking full advantage of the post-election markdowns , local woman Olivia Fanelli reportedly loaded up Wednesday on discounted @ @ @ @ @ ’ s probably more than I need , but they ’ re practically giving these @ @ @ @ @ Elections , ” said Fanelli , who lugged the devices out to her truck in @ @ @ @ @ to the polling site to snag a couple of extras for friends .
“ You @ @ @ @ @ no to a deal like this .
Try to buy one at the wrong time @ @ @ @ @ a fortune , but if you pay attention to the seasonal deals , you can @ @ @ @ @ they ’ ll sit in storage for a while , but the next election season @ @ @ @ @ know , and then I ’ ll be set.
” At press time , Fanelli @ @ @ @ @ hands on the polling place ’ s last box of 20,000 pens .

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Taking full advantage of the post-election markdowns, local woman Olivia Fanelli reportedly loaded up Wednesday on discounted voting machines. “Three’s probably more than I need, but they’re practically giving these away at the Board of Elections,” said Fanelli, who lugged the devices out to her truck in the parking lot before returning to the polling site to snag a couple of extras for friends. “You just can’t say no to a deal like this. Try to buy one at the wrong time and it’ll cost a fortune, but if you pay attention to the seasonal deals, you can get lucky. Sure, they’ll sit in storage for a while, but the next election season will be here before we know, and then I’ll be set.” At press time, Fanelli was delighted after getting her hands on the polling place’s last box of 20,000 pens.


theonion--2020-11-05--Utah Votes To Remove Slavery As Punishment For Crime From Constitution

Voters in Utah have passed an amendment to remove a provision from the state constitution that allows slavery or involuntary @ @ @ @ @ punishment for a crime .
What do you think ?
“ You know , all @ @ @ @ @ do a quick ‘ slavery ’ scan of their constitutions.
” “ Hopefully , this @ @ @ @ @ day being outlawed at the federal level .
”

Voters in Utah have passed an amendment to remove a provision from the state constitution that allows slavery or involuntary servitude if it is as punishment for a crime. What do you think?
“You know, all the other states should probably do a quick ‘slavery’ scan of their constitutions.” Tom Musso • Fish Handler
“Hopefully, this will lead to slavery one day being outlawed at the federal level.” Clyde Boucher • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-11-05--Panicked Trump Agrees To Zoom Debate

Panicked Trump Agrees To Zoom Debate

WASHINGTON—Alarmed that his chances of victory had grown increasingly slim , a visibly panicked Donald Trump decided Thursday evening that he would be fine with debating Democratic opponent Joe Biden on Zoom if that was what it took to win , sources close to the president confirmed .
“ Fine , I ’ ll do it—get the computer and we ’ ll do the virtual thing , ” Trump was overheard telling aides , who quickly sent a meeting invitation link to both the Biden campaign and several major news networks .
“ Come on , get everyone on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ face off on Zoom instead of on a stage , then so be it .
I ’ ll even wear a mask , see ?
Really , I ’ m happy to do it this way .
You ’ ll noticed that Biden is the one who doesn ’ t seem interested in doing the virtual debate these days .
I wonder why that is ?
” At press time , White House sources confirmed President Trump had backed out of the debate again after concluding Zoom was “ a total rip off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for a premium account .

WASHINGTON—Alarmed that his chances of victory had grown increasingly slim, a visibly panicked Donald Trump decided Thursday evening that he would be fine with debating Democratic opponent Joe Biden on Zoom if that was what it took to win, sources close to the president confirmed. “Fine, I’ll do it—get the computer and we’ll do the virtual thing,” Trump was overheard telling aides, who quickly sent a meeting invitation link to both the Biden campaign and several major news networks. “Come on, get everyone on the screen. If they want us to face off on Zoom instead of on a stage, then so be it. I’ll even wear a mask, see? Really, I’m happy to do it this way. You’ll noticed that Biden is the one who doesn’t seem interested in doing the virtual debate these days. I wonder why that is?” At press time, White House sources confirmed President Trump had backed out of the debate again after concluding Zoom was “a total rip off” with its $14.99 monthly fee for a premium account.


theonion--2020-11-05--Trump Files Lawsuit In Pennsylvania Alleging Election Officials Totally Disregarding His Feelings

WASHINGTON—Blasting the complete lack of empathy , campaign attorneys for President Donald Trump filed a lawsuit in Pennsylvania Thursday alleging @ @ @ @ @ disregarding his feelings .
“ A lot of these ballots clearly contain information that makes @ @ @ @ @ and it ’ s just not right , ” said Trump , who cautioned the @ @ @ @ @ any results that would hurt him .
“ I ’ m angry and confused , @ @ @ @ @ officials cease being mean immediately .
All this vote counting completely flies in the face @ @ @ @ @ I won ’ t stand for it .
We won ’ t let the Democrats @ @ @ @ @ press time , an angry mob of Trump supporters had surrounded a vote counting facility @ @ @ @ @ make the president smile .

WASHINGTON—Blasting the complete lack of empathy, campaign attorneys for President Donald Trump filed a lawsuit in Pennsylvania Thursday alleging state election officials were totally disregarding his feelings. “A lot of these ballots clearly contain information that makes me sad and scared, and it’s just not right,” said Trump, who cautioned the media to refrain from issuing any results that would hurt him. “I’m angry and confused, and I demand that election officials cease being mean immediately. All this vote counting completely flies in the face of my emotions, and I won’t stand for it. We won’t let the Democrats make me cry.” At press time, an angry mob of Trump supporters had surrounded a vote counting facility to dem and election officials make the president smile.


theonion--2020-11-05--Nation Never Wants To See Color Red Or Blue Ever Again

WASHINGTON—Exhausted after 48 hours of following cable news coverage and continually refreshing their web browsers , Americans from all 50 states and the District of Columbia told reporters Thursday they do not want to see the color red or the color blue in any context or for any reason ever again .
“ I swear to God , if I never lay eyes on an apple or a stop sign for the rest of my life , I ’ ll be one happy man , ” said Lucas Porter , a 36-year-old truck driver from Menomonie , WI whose sentiment @ @ @ @ @ @ @ woman , and child across the United States .
“ The same goes for the sky , blueberries , and certain whale species .
Don ’ t want them in my line of sight .
To be clear , I ’ m talking every shade of red : crimson , scarlet , vermilion .
And every shade of blue : navy , sky , midnight .
They can all fuck off.
” At press time , a similar condemnation was issued for green and yellow by the National Association for the Color Blind @

WASHINGTON—Exhausted after 48 hours of following cable news coverage and continually refreshing their web browsers, Americans from all 50 states and the District of Columbia told reporters Thursday they do not want to see the color red or the color blue in any context or for any reason ever again. “I swear to God, if I never lay eyes on an apple or a stop sign for the rest of my life, I’ll be one happy man,” said Lucas Porter, a 36-year-old truck driver from Menomonie, WI whose sentiment was reportedly shared by every man, woman, and child across the United States. “The same goes for the sky, blueberries, and certain whale species. Don’t want them in my line of sight. To be clear, I’m talking every shade of red: crimson, scarlet, vermilion. And every shade of blue: navy, sky, midnight. They can all fuck off.” At press time, a similar condemnation was issued for green and yellow by the National Association for the Color Blind .


theonion--2020-11-05--Democratic Strategists Hold Screening Of ‘Three Amigos’ In Order To Better Understand Latino Culture

WASHINGTON—Hoping to learn from their failure to court the potential voter base in the 2020 election , Democratic strategists held a screening of Three Amigos Thursday in an effort to help the party better understand Latino culture .
“ One of the major blunders of the last campaign cycle was Democrats ’ lack of a message that connected with everyday Latinx families , such as how our policies can help towns caught in the clutches of the infamous bandito El Guapo and his band of men , ” said strategist James Carville , demonstrating to his fellow analysts how they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the nation ’ s estimated 59.8 million Hispanic Americans by running ads touting increased access to invisible swordsmen and singing bushes voiced by Randy Newman .
“ For too long we ’ ve made the mistake of treating these voters like one monolithic entity , but what we ’ re learning is that there are multiple subgroups—Chevy Chase , Steve Martin , and Martin Short—that each have their own distinctive backgrounds and culture , and we need to tailor our message to fit them all.
” At press time , Carville had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to reach out to military families by popping in a DVD of Sgt .
Bilko .

WASHINGTON—Hoping to learn from their failure to court the potential voter base in the 2020 election, Democratic strategists held a screening of Three Amigos Thursday in an effort to help the party better understand Latino culture. “One of the major blunders of the last campaign cycle was Democrats’ lack of a message that connected with everyday Latinx families, such as how our policies can help towns caught in the clutches of the infamous bandito El Guapo and his band of men,” said strategist James Carville, demonstrating to his fellow analysts how they could have earned a larger vote share of the nation’s estimated 59.8 million Hispanic Americans by running ads touting increased access to invisible swordsmen and singing bushes voiced by Randy Newman. “For too long we’ve made the mistake of treating these voters like one monolithic entity, but what we’re learning is that there are multiple subgroups—Chevy Chase, Steve Martin, and Martin Short—that each have their own distinctive backgrounds and culture, and we need to tailor our message to fit them all.” At press time, Carville had moved on to educating strategists about how to reach out to military families by popping in a DVD of Sgt. Bilko.


theonion--2020-11-05--Hundreds Of Shelter Cats And Dogs Flown From Hawaii To Mainland For Adoption

Over 600 dogs and cats were flown from overcrowded shelters in Hawaii to Washington , Oregon , Montana , and @ @ @ @ @ are more likely to be adopted in what organizers say is the largest pet rescue @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ So what ’ s the premise then , they all have @ @ @ @ @ to the island ?
” “ Hopefully they remembered to poke holes in the plane @ @ @ @ @ some fresh air.
” “ This would be great practice for any couple thinking about @ @ @ @ @

Over 600 dogs and cats were flown from overcrowded shelters in Hawaii to Washington, Oregon, Montana, and Idaho, where the animals are more likely to be adopted in what organizers say is the largest pet rescue flight ever. What do you think?
“So what’s the premise then, they all have to find their way back to the island?” Ken Foster • Turkey Wrangler
“Hopefully they remembered to poke holes in the plane so the animals could get some fresh air.” Byron Gibney • Freelance Paleontologist
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theonion--2020-11-05--Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wa

Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants

Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Hear why a growing list of targets and scant resources may have more violent alt-right groups biting off more than they can chew.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-06--Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream

Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it ’ s already 11 a.m. and everyone is @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Hear why you probably should have set a back-up alarm because it’s already 11 a.m. and everyone is looking for you.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-06--Pros And Cons Of Political Polling

Pros And Cons Of Political Polling

While polling has been a staple of presidential races for decades , high-profile polling errors in the last two presidential @ @ @ @ @ their effectiveness .
The Onion looks at the pros and cons of political polling .
@ @ @ @ @ credible when cited in an argument .
• Transforms lives of millions of marginalized people @ @ @ @ @ for .
• Voters perfectly capable of idiotically getting hopes up on their own .

While polling has been a staple of presidential races for decades, high-profile polling errors in the last two presidential races have left some questioning their effectiveness. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of political polling.
PRO
Any specific number sounds credible when cited in an argument.
Good to quantify despair and fear.
Desperate for any human contact.
Transforms lives of millions of marginalized people into sport you can cheer for.
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CON
Math never nation’s strongest subject.


theonion--2020-11-06--Libya Hit With ‘Gargantuan’ Hail

Libya Hit With ‘Gargantuan’ Hail

A severe thunderstorm in the Libyan capital of Tripoli dropped hail measuring 7 inches in diameter last week , which @ @ @ @ @ the largest hailstones ever photographed .
What do you think ?
“ I prefer weather @ @ @ @ @ rely on gimmicks to be newsworthy .
”

A severe thunderstorm in the Libyan capital of Tripoli dropped hail measuring 7 inches in diameter last week, which experts say are some of the largest hailstones ever photographed. What do you think?
“Thank God I parked m y car in Algeria.” Hugo Tedesco • Steam Cleaner
“I prefer weather patterns that don’t rely on gimmicks to be newsworthy.” Sharon Appleby • Foot Pump Technician
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theonion--2020-11-06--Media Condemns Biden For Baseless Claim That Nation Will Come Together Once Election Over

NEW YORK—Blasting the former vice president for spreading misinformation at this perilous time for democracy , media figures across the political spectrum condemned Joe Biden Friday for his baseless claim that the nation will come together once the election was over .
“ Shame on Vice President Biden for perpetuating these baseless conspiracy theories and outright lies about us somehow binding up the nation ’ s wounds and uniting for the common good behind the ideals of the r epublic , ” said CNN ’ s Jake Tapper in an extended harangue in which he lambasted Biden for living in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the American people had the capacity to put aside their petty differences and look toward the better angels of their nature to forge a more perfect union .
“ What ’ s worse is that he uses this rhetoric about peacemaking and civility without a single thought to how dangerous it is to put such ideas into the minds of his followers .
Where ’ s the evidence for this nonsense ?
There is none .
This is America , you don ’ t just say things like that .
Shame on him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years of this country ’ s existence , and it certainly won ’ t happen now.
” At press time , Tapper had rapidly cut away from a press conference in which Biden described the lofty democratic ideals of the f ounding f athers in order to call the presidential candidate ’ s beliefs pathetic .

NEW YORK—Blasting the former vice president for spreading misinformation at this perilous time for democracy, media figures across the political spectrum condemned Joe Biden Friday for his baseless claim that the nation will come together once the election was over. “Shame on Vice President Biden for perpetuating these baseless conspiracy theories and outright lies about us somehow binding up the nation’s wounds and uniting for the common good behind the ideals of the r epublic,” said CNN’s Jake Tapper in an extended harangue in which he lambasted Biden for living in a “delusional fantasy” in which the American people had the capacity to put aside their petty differences and look toward the better angels of their nature to forge a more perfect union. “What’s worse is that he uses this rhetoric about peacemaking and civility without a single thought to how dangerous it is to put such ideas into the minds of his followers. Where’s the evidence for this nonsense? There is none. This is America, you don’t just say things like that. Shame on him. This has never happened in 244 years of this country’s existence, and it certainly won’t happen now.” At press time, Tapper had rapidly cut away from a press conference in which Biden described the lofty democratic ideals of the f ounding f athers in order to call the presidential candidate’s beliefs pathetic.


theonion--2020-11-06--Kosovo President Steps Down To Face War Crimes Charges

Kosovo President Hashim Thaci resigned from office Thursday to fly to The Hague following his indictment for war crimes and @ @ @ @ @ Kosovo War .
What do you think ?
“ That ’ s a very pres @ @ @ @ @ trial for war crimes.
” “ Must be pretty serious if he ’ s leaving @ @ @ @ @ economy.
” “ That ’ s an ad right there for his future opponent .
@

Kosovo President Hashim Thaci resigned from office Thursday to fly to The Hague following his indictment for war crimes and crimes against humanity during the Kosovo War. What do you think?
“That’s a very pres tigious place to be on trial for war crimes.” Frederick Robison • Ring Bearer
“Must be pretty serious if he’s leaving a secure job in this economy.” Ivy Radnitz • Dill Supplier
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theonion--2020-11-07--QAnon Followers Frustrated After Q Calls For Respecting Election Results, Uniting Behind Biden

BURNSVILLE , NC—As they adjusted to the dramatic shift in messaging , followers of right-wing conspiracy group QAnon were reportedly frustrated Friday after their anonymous leader , known only as “ Q , ” called for them to respect the election results and unite behind president-elect Joe Biden .
“ In his latest post , Q told us we must all come together under a Biden presidency in order to heal the nation , and while that may be a nice sentiment , I ’ m not sure if he wants us to just set aside all the stuff we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said local QAnon adherent Jeff White , who expressed the confusion plaguing many in his group when he asked how he was supposed to put his respect for the democratic process above his conviction that Biden belonged to a party of devil-worshipping , child-molesting cannibals .
“ Q ’ s saying that whether you ’ re a red-pilled freedom fighter who serves the Lord or a pedophile who drinks the blood of infants , we ’ re all Americans at the end of the day .
In other words , sure , Joe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s still the person voters have chosen as their president , and you have to respect him.
” “ That may sound a little crazy , but maybe Q ’ s right , ” he continued .
“ Maybe if we want to make this country a better place , we have to find common ground with people who don ’ t necessarily share our views on the need to bring about ‘ the Storm ’ and stop global elites from consuming the flesh of children they traffic for sex .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden fan , but I did notice Hillary never campaigned for him—that means there ’ s a good chance he had her executed , which would be a promising development for our cause.
” According to sources , most QAnon fellows were disappointed President Trump had lost reelection , but were holding out hope that John F. Kennedy Jr. would soon land his plane in Wilmington , DE and agree to head up Biden ’ s transition team .

BURNSVILLE, NC—As they adjusted to the dramatic shift in messaging, followers of right-wing conspiracy group QAnon were reportedly frustrated Friday after their anonymous leader, known only as “Q,” called for them to respect the election results and unite behind president-elect Joe Biden.
“In his latest post, Q told us we must all come together under a Biden presidency in order to heal the nation, and while that may be a nice sentiment, I’m not sure if he wants us to just set aside all the stuff we believe about Democrats or what,” said local QAnon adherent Jeff White, who expressed the confusion plaguing many in his group when he asked how he was supposed to put his respect for the democratic process above his conviction that Biden belonged to a party of devil-worshipping, child-molesting cannibals. “Q’s saying that whether you’re a red-pilled freedom fighter who serves the Lord or a pedophile who drinks the blood of infants, we’re all Americans at the end of the day. In other words, sure, Joe Biden is enabling homicidal Satanists, but he’s still the person voters have chosen as their president, and you have to respect him.”
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“That may sound a little crazy, but maybe Q’s right,” he continued. “Maybe if we want to make this country a better place, we have to find common ground with people who don’t necessarily share our views on the need to bring about ‘the Storm’ and stop global elites from consuming the flesh of children they traffic for sex. Look, I’m not a Biden fan, but I did notice Hillary never campaigned for him—that means there’s a good chance he had her executed, which would be a promising development for our cause.”
According to sources, most QAnon fellows were disappointed President Trump had lost reelection, but were holding out hope that John F. Kennedy Jr. would soon land his plane in Wilmington, DE and agree to head up Biden’s transition team.


theonion--2020-11-07--Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump ’ s defeat in the 2020 presidential election , a crying Eric Trump reportedly asked his father @ @ @ @ @ now .
“ Daddy , I ’ m scared .
Are we all out of @ @ @ @ @ re not president no more ?
” asked Eric , 36 , wiping away tears @ @ @ @ @ as he struggled to shatter his Minecraft piggy bank .
“ I have six paper @ @ @ @ @ of these metal circles , hopefully that can help .
Do me and Don Jr. @ @ @ @ @ ?
I don ’ t want to be poor and smelly , but I don @ @ @ @ @ to work .
Being rich was the best ever and I don ’ t want @ @ @ @ @ press time , a famished Eric Trump was sobbing while attempting to cut a leather @ @ @ @ @ fork .

WASHINGTON—Following Donald Trump’s defeat in the 2020 presidential election, a crying Eric Trump reportedly asked his father Friday if they were poor now. “Daddy, I’m scared. Are we all out of money now that you’re not president no more?” asked Eric, 36, wiping away tears and snot from his face as he struggled to shatter his Minecraft piggy bank. “I have six paper money and a whole handful of these metal circles, hopefully that can help. Do me and Don Jr. have to get jobs now? I don’t want to be poor and smelly, but I don’t even know how to work. Being rich was the best ever and I don’t want it to stop.” At press time, a famished Eric Trump was sobbing while attempting to cut a leather shoe with a knife and fork.


theonion--2020-11-07--Donald Trump Jr. Refuses To Step Down From Post Of President’s Oldest Son

WASHINGTON—Bucking centuries of precedent with a decision not to participate in the peaceful transfer of his authority , Donald Trump Jr. has refused to step down from his post as the president ’ s oldest son , sources confirmed Wednesday .
“ I , Don Trump Jr.—or , I should now say , Don Biden Jr.—will continue to fulfill my duties as the president ’ s eldest male offspring regardless of any attempts to unseat me or render my position illegitimate , ” the 42-year-old real estate heir told reporters , saying he looked forward to promoting president-elect Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ holidays with the first family , during which he hoped to bond with his “ new siblings ” Hunter and Ashley .
“ In this tumultuous time , the nation needs continuity , and through my proven experience as the president ’ s first male issue , I can provide that .
Let me be clear : I am the commander-in-chief ’ s very special boy , and I will continue in this role for four more years .
I ’ ve already filed a lawsuit to halt the installation of any other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ necessary , will pursue this matter all the way to the Supreme Court.
” At press time , the U.S. Supreme Court had issued a summary judgment declaring that the last person to claim the post of president ’ s oldest son had never officially stepped down , and thus the role still rightfully belonged to George W. Bush .

WASHINGTON—Bucking centuries of precedent with a decision not to participate in the peaceful transfer of his authority, Donald Trump Jr. has refused to step down from his post as the president’s oldest son, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I, Don Trump Jr.—or, I should now say, Don Biden Jr.—will continue to fulfill my duties as the president’s eldest male offspring regardless of any attempts to unseat me or render my position illegitimate,” the 42-year-old real estate heir told reporters, saying he looked forward to promoting president-elect Joe Biden’s personal brand and to spending holidays with the first family, during which he hoped to bond with his “new siblings” Hunter and Ashley. “In this tumultuous time, the nation needs continuity, and through my proven experience as the president’s first male issue, I can provide that. Let me be clear: I am the commander-in-chief’s very special boy, and I will continue in this role for four more years. I’ve already filed a lawsuit to halt the installation of any other person in my position and, if necessary, will pursue this matter all the way to the Supreme Court.” At press time, the U.S. Supreme Court had issued a summary judgment declaring that the last person to claim the post of president’s oldest son had never officially stepped down, and thus the role still rightfully belonged to George W. Bush.


theonion--2020-11-07--Lincoln Project Immediately Releases Series Of Ads Calling For Biden Impeachment

WASHINGTON—Following news that the Democratic nominee had officially cleared 270 electoral votes , The Lincoln Project super PAC immediately released @ @ @ @ @ calling for Joe Biden to be impeached .
“ It ’ s time for America @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t do it with this maniac in office , ” said the commercial @ @ @ @ @ aired on TV channels across the country alongside an animated ad depicting a mustachioed Biden @ @ @ @ @ Joe Stalin.
” “ In the 2020 election , we voted for Biden .
Now @ @ @ @ @ a grave mistake , and it ’ s our job to turn things around .
@ @ @ @ @ The president-elect is out of control .
He ’ s a risk to American democracy @ @ @ @ @ certainly no conservative.
” At press time , The Lincoln Project had unleashed a new @ @ @ @ @ such appalling hypocrisy .

WASHINGTON—Following news that the Democratic nominee had officially cleared 270 electoral votes, The Lincoln Project super PAC immediately released a series of ads Friday calling for Joe Biden to be impeached. “It’s time for America to heal, and we can’t do it with this maniac in office,” said the commercial’s narrator, which aired on TV channels across the country alongside an animated ad depicting a mustachioed Biden rapping under the name “Joe Stalin.” “In the 2020 election, we voted for Biden. Now, we understand that was a grave mistake, and it’s our job to turn things around. Joseph Biden must go. The president-elect is out of control. He’s a risk to American democracy, and he’s certainly no conservative.” At press time, The Lincoln Project had unleashed a new campaign tearing into itself for such appalling hypocrisy.


theonion--2020-11-07--Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—Excoriating the presumptive nominee for his lack of action , the national news media turned its ire on the Biden administration Tuesday for its failure to solve the Covid epidemic .
“ Hopes were high when President-elect Biden won the election but unfortunately at this point he has failed to deliver on his promises to listen to scientists and see the nation through this challenging period , ” said CNN anchor John Berman , confirming that thus far , the Democratic nominee had not lobbied Congress or issued any executive actions to address rising hospitalizations or the economic devastation incurred @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he would make it a chief priority , Biden and his as-yet-unnamed cabinet officials have acted like deer in the headlights , refusing to put forward any legislation whatsoever despite having at least the House and , pending results , even the Senate in their corner .
It ’ s this type of stalling that just adds more fuel to the fire for Republicans who claim that Democrats get nothing done.
” Berman went on to further condemn Biden for his failure to propose meaningful policy solutions to the wave of right-wing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ few months .

WASHINGTON—Excoriating the presumptive nominee for his lack of action, the national news media turned its ire on the Biden administration Tuesday for its failure to solve the Covid epidemic. “Hopes were high when President-elect Biden won the election but unfortunately at this point he has failed to deliver on his promises to listen to scientists and see the nation through this challenging period,” said CNN anchor John Berman, confirming that thus far, the Democratic nominee had not lobbied Congress or issued any executive actions to address rising hospitalizations or the economic devastation incurred by the virus. “Despite signaling that he would make it a chief priority, Biden and his as-yet-unnamed cabinet officials have acted like deer in the headlights, refusing to put forward any legislation whatsoever despite having at least the House and, pending results, even the Senate in their corner. It’s this type of stalling that just adds more fuel to the fire for Republicans who claim that Democrats get nothing done.” Berman went on to further condemn Biden for his failure to propose meaningful policy solutions to the wave of right-wing violence expected to escalate over the next few months.


theonion--2020-11-07--Jubilant Reaction To Trump Defeat Quickly Soured By News Of Biden Win

CHICAGO—Seconds after the room had erupted into cheers , applause , and a few big sighs of relief , sources confirmed Tuesday that a local group of friend ’ s jubilant reaction to Donald Trump ’ s defeat had soured quickly upon the announcement of Joe Biden ’ s victory .
“ One moment we ’ re celebrating our nation ’ s repudiation of Trump , and the next Biden is declared the winner—what a buzzkill , ” said 29-year-old Ryan Lopez , whose smile had visibly faded to weariness as the former vice president and retired six-term senator appeared @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The American people just ousted a transparently racist , misogynistic , and authoritarian president , but before we even have a chance to savor that triumph , we ’ re forced to deal with the fact that his replacement will be Joe Biden .
Ugh , why does the single best piece of news this country has had in years have to be tainted immediately ?
For fuck ’ s sake.
” At press time , Lopez had reportedly demanded the television be shut off after a news anchor observed that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

CHICAGO—Seconds after the room had erupted into cheers, applause, and a few big sighs of relief, sources confirmed Tuesday that a local group of friend’s jubilant reaction to Donald Trump’s defeat had soured quickly upon the announcement of Joe Biden’s victory. “One moment we’re celebrating our nation’s repudiation of Trump, and the next Biden is declared the winner—what a buzzkill,” said 29-year-old Ryan Lopez, whose smile had visibly faded to weariness as the former vice president and retired six-term senator appeared on television to celebrate with his family. “The American people just ousted a transparently racist, misogynistic, and authoritarian president, but before we even have a chance to savor that triumph, we’re forced to deal with the fact that his replacement will be Joe Biden. Ugh, why does the single best piece of news this country has had in years have to be tainted immediately? For fuck’s sake.” At press time, Lopez had reportedly demanded the television be shut off after a news anchor observed that Trump would remain in power until January.


theonion--2020-11-07--‘You Have Disappointed Me,’ Trump Tells Room Full Of Supporters While Strapping On Gas Mask

WASHINGTON—Pacing slowly back and forth as he delivered his words , President Donald Trump reportedly told a room full of @ @ @ @ @ have disappointed me ” Wednesday while strapping on a gas mask .
“ The only @ @ @ @ @ you was your support , and indeed you ’ ve failed me at that , @ @ @ @ @ the military-grade breathing device in place as the sound of a click and hiss broke @ @ @ @ @ dark , noxious fume engulfed the terrified crowd .
“ You ’ ve followed me @ @ @ @ @ rise and my darkest hours , and I always counted you among my most loyal @ @ @ @ @ can see my trust was misplaced .
I can ’ t believe I put faith @ @ @ @ @ ’ re weak—all of you , weak.
” At press time , Trump slowly headed @ @ @ @ @ over the mass of still , silent bodies on the floor with a crunch .

WASHINGTON—Pacing slowly back and forth as he delivered his words, President Donald Trump reportedly told a room full of his supporters, “You have disappointed me” Wednesday while strapping on a gas mask. “The only thing I ever asked of you was your support, and indeed you’ve failed me at that,” said Trump, securing the military-grade breathing device in place as the sound of a click and hiss broke the stunned silence and a dark, noxious fume engulfed the terrified crowd. “You’ve followed me through the dawn of my rise and my darkest hours, and I always counted you among my most loyal disciples. But now I can see my trust was misplaced. I can’t believe I put faith in your obedience. You’re weak—all of you, weak.” At press time, Trump slowly headed for the exit, treading over the mass of still, silent bodies on the floor with a crunch.


theonion--2020-11-09--Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus

Joe Biden ’ s campaign promise of a “ rapid pandemic response ” may have been what earned him a @ @ @ @ @ ’ t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last @ @ @ @ @ empowering a new generation of creators .
Support and engage with artists and creators… Read @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Joe Biden’s campaign promise of a “rapid pandemic response” may have been what earned him a victory, so why hasn’t he or his administration done anything to solve the crisis in the last 24 hours?
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-09--Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night

SAN QUENTIN , CA—Following the announcement that Joe Biden won the U.S. Presidential Election , the Aryan Brotherhood reported a @ @ @ @ @ week .
“ Over the past few days , we have seen a record increase @ @ @ @ @ help us during this time of unprecedented assaults on the master race , ” said @ @ @ @ @ the leaders of the white supremacist prison gang , adding that the new inflow of @ @ @ @ @ to open up multiple new chapters , hire additional staff , and further disseminate their @ @ @ @ @ “ Although this comes as a disappointment for us all , we are heartened by @ @ @ @ @ patrons to our cause of fighting the war against the Blacks and the Jews .
@ @ @ @ @ do important work when it comes to promoting racially fueled domestic terrorism and retaking the @ @ @ @ @ time , Stormfront , the Traditionalist Workers Party , and the Ku Klux Klan had @ @ @ @ @ cash .

SAN QUENTIN, CA—Following the announcement that Joe Biden won the U.S. Presidential Election, the Aryan Brotherhood reported a record surge in donations this week. “Over the past few days, we have seen a record increase in donors who want to help us during this time of unprecedented assaults on the master race,” said Drew Mackey, one of the leaders of the white supremacist prison gang, adding that the new inflow of cash will allow the organization to open up multiple new chapters, hire additional staff, and further disseminate their message of racial purity. “Although this comes as a disappointment for us all, we are heartened by the historic amount of new patrons to our cause of fighting the war against the Blacks and the Jews. This will allow us to do important work when it comes to promoting racially fueled domestic terrorism and retaking the White House.” At press time, Stormfront, the Traditionalist Workers Party, and the Ku Klux Klan had all reported similar windfalls of cash.


theonion--2020-11-09--Media Glad It Can Finally End Half-Assed Charade Of Trying To Understand American Populace

NEW YORK—Expressing their profound relief that they would soon put aside the agonizing song and dance , media outlets nationwide noted their excitement this week at finally ending the half-assed charade of trying to understand the American populace .
“ God , it ’ s been such a fucking slog going into Bumblefuck , Iowa and having to pretend that I cared what some hayseed dipshit thought about the president ’ s China tariffs , ” said NBC anchor Chuck Todd , echoing thousands of journalists and broadcasters across the country who noted that if they had to feign compassion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Belt worker for one more minute , they would have to “ put a fucking bullet in their brain ” without hesitation .
“ Jesus Christ , just the thought of eating another one of these blue-plate specials at some dingy diner makes me want to puke all over one of those cattle-raising , Old Navy–wearing numbskulls .
This is great , though .
All these rural hill jacks can go get reamed.
” At press time , the nation ’ s journalists had all announced plans to spend the next four years @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gallery owners in upstate New York .

NEW YORK—Expressing their profound relief that they would soon put aside the agonizing song and dance, media outlets nationwide noted their excitement this week at finally ending the half-assed charade of trying to understand the American populace. “God, it’s been such a fucking slog going into Bumblefuck, Iowa and having to pretend that I cared what some hayseed dipshit thought about the president’s China tariffs,” said NBC anchor Chuck Todd, echoing thousands of journalists and broadcasters across the country who noted that if they had to feign compassion for the plight of a tearful Rust Belt worker for one more minute, they would have to “put a fucking bullet in their brain” without hesitation. “Jesus Christ, just the thought of eating another one of these blue-plate specials at some dingy diner makes me want to puke all over one of those cattle-raising, Old Navy–wearing numbskulls. This is great, though. All these rural hill jacks can go get reamed.” At press time, the nation’s journalists had all announced plans to spend the next four years with wall-to-wall fawning profiles of boutique art gallery owners in upstate New York.


theonion--2020-11-09--Pastor To Justin Bieber, Other Celebs Fired For ‘Moral Failures’

Carl Lentz , known for his friendships with celebrity worshippers and for being a spiritual advisor to Justin Bieber , @ @ @ @ @ York City megachurch Hillsong due to “ moral failures ” including infidelity .
What do @ @ @ @ @ ty pe of hypocrisy is exactly why I ’ m a non-practicing Belieber.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ anywhere near the music industry.
” “ If I were Satan , I ’ d @ @ @ @ @ ’ s soul is unprotected .
”

Carl Lentz, known for his friendships with celebrity worshippers and for being a spiritual advisor to Justin Bieber, has been fired from New York City megachurch Hillsong due to “moral failures” including infidelity. What do you think?
“This ty pe of hypocrisy is exactly why I’m a non-practicing Belieber.” Henry Cava • Mealworm Breeder
“Unsavory characters have no business anywhere near the music industry.” Louise Machon • Local Benefactor
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