theonion--2020-07-06--Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Und

Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place

The popular women ’ s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could @ @ @ @ @ off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The popular women’s beauty brand is closing for good and apologizing today for ever thinking a woman could be hot enough to pull off their lacey boy shorts or see-through nighttime slips.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-07--Lime Unveils Pilot Program For Inexplicable New E-Cubes

Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag , push , or roll with them to their destination be @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

Could these huge electric cubes that citygoes can drag, push, or roll with them to their destination be the future of transportation?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-07--Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 7, 2020

Running away from your problems will fail this week , as will climbing out of your problems ’ reach and @ @ @ @ @ your problems go away .

Aries | March 21 to April 19
Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems’ reach and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.


theonion--2020-07-07--Prehistoric Monument Discovered Near Stonehenge

Archaeologists have discovered a ring of 20 pits each measuring 33 feet wide and 16 feet deep just a few @ @ @ @ @ they say predate the famous English monument by at least 1,500 years .
What do @ @ @ @ @ aeologists really need to let go of this obsession with the past .
”

Archaeologists have discovered a ring of 20 pits each measuring 33 feet wide and 16 feet deep just a few miles from Stonehenge, which they say predate the famous English monument by at least 1,500 years. What do you think?
“Arch aeologists really need to let go of this obsession with the past.” Rory Nadal, Cursive Instructor
“Too late. My desktop background is firmly in place.” Drew Salgado, Supplies Rationer
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theonion--2020-07-07--Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experien

Freshman Who Would Have Fallen Through Dorm Window First Weekend Sad To Miss Out On College Experience

SPRINGFIELD , OH —Lamenting the school ’ s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19 , incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan , who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus , admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “ full college experience.
” “ Honestly , I was really excited about getting out of my parents ’ house and finally having a little independence , ” said the 18-year-old , who in all likelihood would have shotgunned five beers , toppled out the window , suffered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a weeklong conversation about the dangers of binge-drinking that would temporarily serve as a cautionary tale for his peers .
“ I ’ m bummed I won ’ t get to meet and make friends with my classmates [ who would have witnessed him plummeting to the ground and then abandoned his unresponsive form in their dorm ’ s courtyard , fearing reprisal if they reported the incident to campus police ] .
It really sucks that I won ’ t be able to make those freshman-year memories [ of slowly regaining consciousness @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his arrival at school and being forced to spend the next nine months learning to talk again ] .
” At press time , reports confirmed Ryan had approximated campus life by drunkenly passing out on the front lawn of his parents ’ house .

SPRINGFIELD , OH —Lamenting the school’s decision to move classes online to combat the spread of Covid-19, incoming Ohio State freshman Kurt Ryan, who would have fallen through a dorm window on the first weekend on campus, admitted Tuesday he was sad to miss out on the “full college experience.” “Honestly, I was really excited about getting out of my parents’ house and finally having a little independence,” said the 18-year-old, who in all likelihood would have shotgunned five beers, toppled out the window, suffered numerous critical head injuries, and sparked a weeklong conversation about the dangers of binge-drinking that would temporarily serve as a cautionary tale for his peers. “I’m bummed I won’t get to meet and make friends with my classmates [who would have witnessed him plummeting to the ground and then abandoned his unresponsive form in their dorm’s courtyard, fearing reprisal if they reported the incident to campus police]. It really sucks that I won’t be able to make those freshman-year memories [of slowly regaining consciousness in a hospital just 48 hours after his arrival at school and being forced to spend the next nine months learning to talk again].” At press time, reports confirmed Ryan had approximated campus life by drunkenly passing out on the front lawn of his parents’ house.


theonion--2020-07-07--Tell-All Book By Donald Trump’s Niece To Be Released Early

After a judge lifted the restraining order prohibiting distribution of the book , Simon & Schuster announced they will bump @ @ @ @ @ Mary Trump ’ s memoir about her uncle and the Trump family , citing extraordinary @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Good .
If Tr ump has some kind of @ @ @ @ @ deserve to know about it.
” “ You have to expect a certain level of @ @ @ @ @ become an uncle.
” “ I ’ m deeply uncomfortable with the idea that there @ @ @ @ @ we don ’ t know about .
”

After a judge lifted the restraining order prohibiting distribution of the book, Simon & Schuster announced they will bump up the release date of Mary Trump’s memoir about her uncle and the Trump family, citing extraordinary interest and high demand. What do you think?
“Good. If Tr ump has some kind of hidden dark side, we deserve to know about it.” Kerry Foley • Foosball Coach
“You have to expect a certain level of scrutiny when you decide to become an uncle.” Dennis Bonilla • Egg Candler
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theonion--2020-07-07--Effects Of The Nationwide Protests Against Police Brutality

Since a police officer killed Black man George Floyd on May 25 , mass protests have continued across the country @ @ @ @ @ changes within cities , movements , culture , and broader society .
The Onion looks @ @ @ @ @ significant effects of the nationwide protests against police brutality .
Legislation bans police chokeholds unless @ @ @ @ @ people possible Systemic changes to ways in which we bottle and sell maple syrup Average @ @ @ @ @ of jail than ever before Question of whether U.S. president would order tear-gassing of peaceful @ @ @ @ @ photo op finally answered Tear gas companies having best financial quarter of their lives Millions @ @ @ @ @ hard work necessary to justify own racism

Since a police officer killed Black man George Floyd on May 25, mass protests have continued across the country and inspired a variety of changes within cities, movements, culture, and broader society. The Onion looks at some of the most significant effects of the nationwide protests against police brutality.
Watch Tips For Going To Protests Share view video Tips For Going To Protests
Legislation bans police chokeholds unless no other way of choking people possible
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Systemic changes to ways in which we bottle and sell maple syrup
Long overdue reforms finally coming to nation’s fictional police forces
Average person bailing more strangers out of jail than ever before
Question of whether U.S. president would order tear-gassing of peaceful protestors to clear space for photo op finally answered
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Police departments nationwide pledge not to kill George Floyd
Tear gas companies having best financial quarter of their lives
Millions of white people engage in hard work necessary to justify own racism


theonion--2020-07-07--Fox Criticized For Cropping Epstein Party Photo To Remove Killer Buffet Spread

NEW YORK—Following the broadcast of a doctored photograph featuring the financier and convicted sex offender , Fox News received widespread criticism Tuesday for cropping a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at a party to edit out the killer buffet spread .
“ This is typical of the lax journalistic standards of Fox News to mislead the public by suggesting Epstein was holding some sort of rinky-dink get-together when , in fact , there was a veritable smorgasbord for his visitors to enjoy , ” said Angelo Carusone of Media Matters , adding that the conservative network had engaged in misleading editing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ truth that the party had featured a full dessert bar equipped with fruit , pastries , and a chocolate fountain .
“ The truth is , there was an abundance of high-class options like caviar and bacon-wrapped scallops , as well as comfort food like sliders and mac-and-cheese balls , but that doesn ’ t fit into the narrative that Fox is trying to construct , so facts be damned .
You ’ d never know it from looking at the photo that Fox put out , but this party was just one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of providing numerous waiters to ensure guests like Bill Clinton , Donald Trump , Prince Andrew , and Alan Dershowitz always had ample hors d ’ oeuvres.
” Carusone added that this journalistic oversight was particularly egregious for Fox News reporters since they , along with virtually everyone else in the media , had attended dozens of Epstein ’ s get-togethers over the years .

NEW YORK—Following the broadcast of a doctored photograph featuring the financier and convicted sex offender, Fox News received widespread criticism Tuesday for cropping a picture of Jeffrey Epstein at a party to edit out the killer buffet spread. “This is typical of the lax journalistic standards of Fox News to mislead the public by suggesting Epstein was holding some sort of rinky-dink get-together when, in fact, there was a veritable smorgasbord for his visitors to enjoy,” said Angelo Carusone of Media Matters, adding that the conservative network had engaged in misleading editing practices in an effort to omit the truth that the party had featured a full dessert bar equipped with fruit, pastries, and a chocolate fountain. “The truth is, there was an abundance of high-class options like caviar and bacon-wrapped scallops, as well as comfort food like sliders and mac-and-cheese balls, but that doesn’t fit into the narrative that Fox is trying to construct, so facts be damned. You’d never know it from looking at the photo that Fox put out, but this party was just one example of Epstein’s long history of providing numerous waiters to ensure guests like Bill Clinton, Donald Trump, Prince Andrew, and Alan Dershowitz always had ample hors d’oeuvres.” Carusone added that this journalistic oversight was particularly egregious for Fox News reporters since they, along with virtually everyone else in the media, had attended dozens of Epstein’s get-togethers over the years.


theonion--2020-07-07--Dumbass Dog Wearing Face Mask All Wrong

Dumbass Dog Wearing Face Mask All Wrong

OLATHE , KS—Expressing frustration over the way the canine was recklessly endangering the health of everyone around him , customers @ @ @ @ @ reporters Tuesday that there was a dumbass dog walking around wearing his face mask all @ @ @ @ @ that fucking idiot dog is putting lives at risk by improperly wearing his mask like @ @ @ @ @ Damien Benson of the beagle whose snout was completely exposed , explaining that he was @ @ @ @ @ employee about the hazard the animal posed .
“ Jesus .
How hard is it @ @ @ @ @ just pull it up ?
I get that it ’ s hot out , but @ @ @ @ @ some sacrifices here.
” At press time , Benson became livid after the dog brazenly @ @ @ @ @ approaching a customer and licking her .

OLATHE, KS—Expressing frustration over the way the canine was recklessly endangering the health of everyone around him, customers at a local PetSmart told reporters Tuesday that there was a dumbass dog walking around wearing his face mask all wrong. “Seriously, that fucking idiot dog is putting lives at risk by improperly wearing his mask like that,” said shopper Damien Benson of the beagle whose snout was completely exposed, explaining that he was seriously considering telling a store employee about the hazard the animal posed. “Jesus. How hard is it for the pea-brained mutt to just pull it up? I get that it’s hot out, but we all have to make some sacrifices here.” At press time, Benson became livid after the dog brazenly broke social distancing guidelines by approaching a customer and licking her.


theonion--2020-07-07--Fly Thinks Back Fondly On Time It Got To Perch On Popsicle Stick For Few Seconds

SOUTH HADLEY , MA—Recalling the joyful experience from its youth , a local fly reportedly reminisced Tuesday about the time it had gotten to perch on a popsicle stick for a few seconds .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong , I ’ ve had my share of adventures in this crazy world , but no matter where my travels take me , I ’ ll always cherish that long-ago memory of alighting on a slightly damp wooden stick and taking a couple of steps , ” said the fly , telling reporters that while it knew it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rose-colored glasses , it truly believed there was something magical about the taste of the cherry flavor on its feet .
“ I ’ ve tried explaining the simple wonder of high fructose corn syrup to some of today ’ s maggots , but they just don ’ t understand—for them , the world begins and ends with the rotting cheeseburger they grew up in .
They think I ’ m a sentimental old fool , and heck , I suppose I am.
” At press time , the fly was reflecting bittersweetly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of life after being sprayed with bleach .

SOUTH HADLEY, MA—Recalling the joyful experience from its youth, a local fly reportedly reminisced Tuesday about the time it had gotten to perch on a popsicle stick for a few seconds. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my share of adventures in this crazy world, but no matter where my travels take me, I’ll always cherish that long-ago memory of alighting on a slightly damp wooden stick and taking a couple of steps,” said the fly, telling reporters that while it knew it was probably looking back on the experience with rose-colored glasses, it truly believed there was something magical about the taste of the cherry flavor on its feet. “I’ve tried explaining the simple wonder of high fructose corn syrup to some of today’s maggots, but they just don’t understand—for them, the world begins and ends with the rotting cheeseburger they grew up in. They think I’m a sentimental old fool, and heck, I suppose I am.” At press time, the fly was reflecting bittersweetly on the high highs and low lows of life after being sprayed with bleach.


theonion--2020-07-07--Consulting Firm Recommends Keeping Consulting Firm On For 6 More Months

ASHEVILLE , NC—In a lengthy report laying out recommendations it described as absolutely essential to its client ’ s future success , consulting firm Hewitt Lord Advisors suggested Tuesday that a business keep the consulting firm on for six more months .
“ After reviewing the numbers , we can say with confidence that retaining the services of Hewitt Lord Advisors should be your top priority for the next two quarters , ” the report from Hewitt Lord Advisors read in part , adding that the consulting firm furthermore recommended the business double the amount it was currently paying the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going forward .
“ While our projections for your firm remain optimistic , they are dependent on your continuing to compensate us through December , at least .
It ’ s clear from the information we ’ ve gathered that not renewing your contract with us would have potentially devastating consequences for your bottom line , especially considering that our in-depth analysis of your strategic spending indicates you need us to conduct additional analyses of your strategic spending immediately .
You could also realize our heightened revenue projections by setting aside more cash @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as 2021 is certain to bring with it new challenges for your firm and new fees from ours.
” The report went on to suggest several ways the client could free up funds to spend on the consulting firm , such as cutting staff benefits and laying off several dozen employees .

ASHEVILLE, NC—In a lengthy report laying out recommendations it described as absolutely essential to its client’s future success, consulting firm Hewitt Lord Advisors suggested Tuesday that a business keep the consulting firm on for six more months. “After reviewing the numbers, we can say with confidence that retaining the services of Hewitt Lord Advisors should be your top priority for the next two quarters,” the report from Hewitt Lord Advisors read in part, adding that the consulting firm furthermore recommended the business double the amount it was currently paying the consulting firm in order to optimize results going forward. “While our projections for your firm remain optimistic, they are dependent on your continuing to compensate us through December, at least. It’s clear from the information we’ve gathered that not renewing your contract with us would have potentially devastating consequences for your bottom line, especially considering that our in-depth analysis of your strategic spending indicates you need us to conduct additional analyses of your strategic spending immediately. You could also realize our heightened revenue projections by setting aside more cash for your next contract with us, as 2021 is certain to bring with it new challenges for your firm and new fees from ours.” The report went on to suggest several ways the client could free up funds to spend on the consulting firm, such as cutting staff benefits and laying off several dozen employees.


theonion--2020-07-08--City Terrorized But Unimpressed By Serial Killer Who Just Shoots Victims

Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen , @ @ @ @ @ an end to this chilling , yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Authorities in Carson City are calling it one of the most underwhelming serial killers the city has ever seen, and are hoping to put an end to this chilling, yet uncreative rampage before the murderer strikes again.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-08--Patrick Mahomes Signs 10-Year, $400 Million Extension With Chiefs

Quarterback Patrick Mahomes has agreed to a $ 400 million contract extension to continue playing for the Kansas City Chiefs @ @ @ @ @ the highest-paid NFL player of all time .
What do you think ?
“ In @ @ @ @ @ ’ s nice to see someone who was doing great now doing even better.
” @ @ @ @ @ lot , but keep in mind that works out to just $ 40 million a @ @ @ @ @ to have your talents reduced to a number like that .
”

Quarterback Patrick Mahomes has agreed to a $400 million contract extension to continue playing for the Kansas City Chiefs through 2031, making Mahomes the highest-paid NFL player of all time. What do you think?
“In these dark times, it’s nice to see someone who was doing great now doing even better.” Toby Krebs, Corporate Mentalist
“It sounds like a lot, but keep in mind that works out to just $40 million a year.” June Deleon, Funeral Attendee
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theonion--2020-07-08--Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro Tests Positive For Covid-19

Following months of refusing to wear a mask or socially distance , Brazil ’ s president announced Tuesday that he @ @ @ @ @ that he assumed he had already contracted the virus earlier because of his close contact @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ It ’ s scary to realize this virus will infect @ @ @ @ @ precautions.
” “ Do we know if the test he took was a liberal ?
@

Following months of refusing to wear a mask or socially distance, Brazil’s president announced Tuesday that he has Covid-19, telling reporters that he assumed he had already contracted the virus earlier because of his close contact with the public. What do you think?
“This completely s hakes my faith in strongmen.” JD Martell • Systems Analyst
“It’s scary to realize this virus will infect even those who take zero precautions.” Annalise Helava • Soup Reheater
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theonion--2020-07-08--Man Can’t Shake Feeling That Someone Other Than Government, Employer, Advertisers Watching Him

GRAND RAPIDS , MI—Desperately attempting to free himself from a lingering sense of paranoia , local man Adreese Fowler admitted Wednesday that he just couldn ’ t seem to shake the creeping sensation that someone other than the government , his employer , and advertisers was watching him .
“ I keep getting this eerie feeling that everything I do is being monitored by a person who isn ’ t from the FBI , Silicon Valley , or my company ’ s corporate office , ” said Fowler , adding that whoever was tracking him wasn ’ t simply engaged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work and home , or harvesting his data to create a meticulously detailed profile of his personal beliefs , interests , and habits to sell to a third party .
“ It ’ s hard to articulate , but I think there ’ s someone out there keeping tabs on me besides Facebook , our HR department , Grand Rapids PD , and the people who make the phone I keep in my pocket and carry everywhere I go .
I feel it when I ’ m driving , too , as if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ brands that pay Google to access my GPS information that are following my every move .
Ugh , I get goosebumps every time I think about it.
” At press time , reports confirmed the strange , uncomfortable presence Fowler had felt lurking alongside him was nothing less than God the Almighty , Creator of Heaven and Earth , keeping watch over the man as he made his way through this world .

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Desperately attempting to free himself from a lingering sense of paranoia, local man Adreese Fowler admitted Wednesday that he just couldn’t seem to shake the creeping sensation that someone other than the government, his employer, and advertisers was watching him. “I keep getting this eerie feeling that everything I do is being monitored by a person who isn’t from the FBI, Silicon Valley, or my company’s corporate office,” said Fowler, adding that whoever was tracking him wasn’t simply engaged in comprehensive surveillance of his behavior at work and home, or harvesting his data to create a meticulously detailed profile of his personal beliefs, interests, and habits to sell to a third party. “It’s hard to articulate, but I think there’s someone out there keeping tabs on me besides Facebook, our HR department, Grand Rapids PD, and the people who make the phone I keep in my pocket and carry everywhere I go. I feel it when I’m driving, too, as if it’s not just the countless brands that pay Google to access my GPS information that are following my every move. Ugh, I get goosebumps every time I think about it.” At press time, reports confirmed the strange, uncomfortable presence Fowler had felt lurking alongside him was nothing less than God the Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, keeping watch over the man as he made his way through this world.


theonion--2020-07-08--How To Extend The Lifespan Of Your Tech Devices

As economic uncertainty drives people to be cost-conscious , keeping your technology functioning longer can save money and reduce stress @ @ @ @ @ for extending the lifespan of your tech devices .
Invest in a screen protector , @ @ @ @ @ bodyguard who stands watch at all times .
Run a system diagnostic check , assuming @ @ @ @ @ that means .
To prevent damage if you drop your device , simply breathe in @ @ @ @ @ whisper “ please , please , please ” as you bend down to get it @ @ @ @ @ harsh winter months by packing them in tightly sealed jars full of vinegar , water @ @ @ @ @ build its endurance , throw your laptop on the ground repeatedly .
Research your device @ @ @ @ @ from a consumer system of planned obsolescence .
Consider an occult ritual that lengthens your @ @ @ @ @ exchange for shortening yours .
Never take it out of the box .

As economic uncertainty drives people to be cost-conscious, keeping your technology functioning longer can save money and reduce stress. The Onion offers tips for extending the lifespan of your tech devices.
Invest in a screen protector, hardshell case, and muscular bodyguard who stands watch at all times.
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Run a system diagnostic check, assuming you know what the hell that means.
To prevent damage if you drop your device, simply breathe in sharply, curse, and whisper “please, please, please” as you bend down to get it.
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Preserve your devices during harsh winter months by packing them in tightly sealed jars full of vinegar, water, and salt.
To build its endurance, throw your laptop on the ground repeatedly.
Research your device to see if it came from a consumer system of planned obsolescence.
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Consider an occult ritual that lengthens your battery’s lifespan in exchange for shortening yours.
Never take it out of the box.


theonion--2020-07-08--Corrupt Policeman Worried About Working With Partner Who Has Never Once Taken Bribe

BOSTON—Saying he “ doesn ’ t know what this fucking guy ’ s problem is , ” corrupt police officer Glen Morris confirmed Wednesday that he was deeply concerned to be working with a partner who has never once taken a bribe .
“ Maybe he ’ s got an issue with how I run my beat , but this is how it works around here and I ’ m not about to get ratted out by some punk-ass do-gooder , ” Morris said as Tootsie Roll , his new partner , cantered around the 7-Eleven parking lot while swishing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I offered him a cut of my take from the nail salon and he just looked at me , just flat-out refused to even touch the money .
Does he think he ’ s better than me ?
Is he maybe even a narc ?
It ’ s like the guy has blinders on for all I can read that long face of his .
Alls I ’ m saying is Mr. Tootsie Roll better get with the program or this ain ’ t gon na work out between us two.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ wrapping a wad of 20s around a carrot in an attempt to get his new partner to play along .

BOSTON—Saying he “doesn’t know what this fucking guy’s problem is,” corrupt police officer Glen Morris confirmed Wednesday that he was deeply concerned to be working with a partner who has never once taken a bribe. “Maybe he’s got an issue with how I run my beat, but this is how it works around here and I’m not about to get ratted out by some punk-ass do-gooder,” Morris said as Tootsie Roll, his new partner, cantered around the 7-Eleven parking lot while swishing his tail to keep the flies off. “I offered him a cut of my take from the nail salon and he just looked at me, just flat-out refused to even touch the money. Does he think he’s better than me? Is he maybe even a narc? It’s like the guy has blinders on for all I can read that long face of his. Alls I’m saying is Mr. Tootsie Roll better get with the program or this ain’t gonna work out between us two.” Morris later had some success with wrapping a wad of 20s around a carrot in an attempt to get his new partner to play along.


theonion--2020-07-08--Man Somehow Able To Muster Strength To Fold Laundry Without Listening To Podcast

BLOOMINGTON , IN—Drawing from deep wells of courage he had previously assumed depleted , local man Alex Delande somehow mustered @ @ @ @ @ laundry without listening to a podcast .
Eyewitnesses marveled as the audacious 31-year-old persevered through @ @ @ @ @ of pants without consuming so much as a minute of his favorite history show or @ @ @ @ @ the origins of the word “ biscuit , ” refusing to succumb to boredom as @ @ @ @ @ .
Delande was then observed completing the arduous journey from the couch to the bedroom @ @ @ @ @ by nothing but sheer willpower as he took the extra care to place a few @ @ @ @ @ closet .
At press time , Delande had left the remainder of his folded laundry @ @ @ @ @ of his dresser after wandering off to go look for his phone .

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Drawing from deep wells of courage he had previously assumed depleted, local man Alex Delande somehow mustered the strength Wednesday to fold laundry without listening to a podcast. Eyewitnesses marveled as the audacious 31-year-old persevered through seven towels and nine pairs of pants without consuming so much as a minute of his favorite history show or learning a single factoid about the origins of the word “biscuit,” refusing to succumb to boredom as he matched sock after sock. Delande was then observed completing the arduous journey from the couch to the bedroom in total silence, powered by nothing but sheer willpower as he took the extra care to place a few shirts on hangers in the closet. At press time, Delande had left the remainder of his folded laundry in a pile on top of his dresser after wandering off to go look for his phone.


theonion--2020-07-08--‘I Want You To Love Again One Day,’ Whispers Dying Man Clearly Overestimating Amount Of Grief Wife W

‘I Want You To Love Again One Day,’ Whispers Dying Man Clearly Overestimating Amount Of Grief Wife Will Experience

NORFOLK , VA—Mustering the last of his strength to turn and face his wife , local dying man Stanley Tarrington , 58 , reportedly used his final labored breaths Wednesday to tell Mary Anne Tarrington , 54 , that she should one day love another , a clear overestimation , sources confirmed , of the grief she will feel upon his death .
“ Honey , I know it ’ s impossible to imagine right now , but in the future—a long , long time from now—you may reach a point at which you will find yourself ready to move @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whispered to his wife , who according to reports was upset by his passing , but never had any intention of remaining single for the rest of her life , having already made a mental catalog of a half dozen or so men she would like to date after her husband was gone .
“ Please , Mary Anne , look me in the eyes and promise me that if that day comes , you ’ ll search and find a way , somehow , to open your heart to a new love—even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the memories you have of us .
It pains me to imagine you staying lonely forever.
” At press time , sources confirmed the newly widowed Mary Anne Tarrington was filling the void in her life by downloading dating apps , scheduling several nights out with friends , and booking a 15-day singles cruise to the Caribbean .

NORFOLK, VA—Mustering the last of his strength to turn and face his wife, local dying man Stanley Tarrington, 58, reportedly used his final labored breaths Wednesday to tell Mary Anne Tarrington, 54, that she should one day love another, a clear overestimation, sources confirmed, of the grief she will feel upon his death. “Honey, I know it’s impossible to imagine right now, but in the future—a long, long time from now—you may reach a point at which you will find yourself ready to move on,” the visibly frail Tarrington whispered to his wife, who according to reports was upset by his passing, but never had any intention of remaining single for the rest of her life, having already made a mental catalog of a half dozen or so men she would like to date after her husband was gone. “Please, Mary Anne, look me in the eyes and promise me that if that day comes, you’ll search and find a way, somehow, to open your heart to a new love—even if that person can never live up to the memories you have of us. It pains me to imagine you staying lonely forever.” At press time, sources confirmed the newly widowed Mary Anne Tarrington was filling the void in her life by downloading dating apps, scheduling several nights out with friends, and booking a 15-day singles cruise to the Caribbean.


theonion--2020-07-09--Pandemic Accelerating Decline Of Paper Currency

Analysts say the pandemic has increased the rate at which Americans are abandoning cash in favor of digital payments as @ @ @ @ @ online shopping in order to reduce physical contact .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ d ownhill since the Rhode Island state quarter.
” “ Suckers !
The less people @ @ @ @ @ more valuable it becomes .
”

Analysts say the pandemic has increased the rate at which Americans are abandoning cash in favor of digital payments as businesses and consumers move to online shopping in order to reduce physical contact. What do you think?
“It’s been all d ownhill since the Rhode Island state quarter.” Lars Browne, Ambulance Chaser
“I’ll miss that tactile feeling of going broke.” Max Galbraith, Golf Cart Refurbisher
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theonion--2020-07-09--Johnny Depp Interrupts Libel Case To Duck Behind Witness Stand, Pop Up In Judge’s Robes Banging Over

Johnny Depp Interrupts Libel Case To Duck Behind Witness Stand, Pop Up In Judge’s Robes Banging Oversized Gavel

LONDON—During testimony Thursday in his libel case against a U.K. newspaper group , Johnny Depp reportedly interrupted court proceedings when he ducked behind the witness stand and suddenly popped up behind the bench in judge ’ s robes and a powdered wig , banging an oversized gavel .
“ Hear ye , hear ye , I doth find the defense most guilty !
” the 57-year-old actor said as he stepped lightly toward the defendant ’ s table , reclined atop it in a leisurely manner , and exclaimed , “ I object !
” —and then reappeared in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Overruled !
” while once more banging his gavel , which made a loud honking sound .
“ Oyez , oyez !
As the marvelous magistrate of this Royal Court of Justice , it is my duty to indubitably , indisputably declare there be no more preposterous nonsense in this trial most important , most splendiferous , most fantabulous and flim-flammibous !
You there !
To the towers with ye !
Clap him in irons and throw away the key !
” At press time , sources confirmed Depp had somehow twirled himself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after being found in contempt of court .

LONDON—During testimony Thursday in his libel case against a U.K. newspaper group, Johnny Depp reportedly interrupted court proceedings when he ducked behind the witness stand and suddenly popped up behind the bench in judge’s robes and a powdered wig, banging an oversized gavel. “Hear ye, hear ye, I doth find the defense most guilty!” the 57-year-old actor said as he stepped lightly toward the defendant’s table, reclined atop it in a leisurely manner, and exclaimed, “I object!”—and then reappeared in the judge’s seat to shout “Overruled!” while once more banging his gavel, which made a loud honking sound. “Oyez, oyez! As the marvelous magistrate of this Royal Court of Justice, it is my duty to indubitably, indisputably declare there be no more preposterous nonsense in this trial most important, most splendiferous, most fantabulous and flim-flammibous! You there! To the towers with ye! Clap him in irons and throw away the key!” At press time, sources confirmed Depp had somehow twirled himself into a black-and-white-striped prisoner costume just moments after being found in contempt of court.


theonion--2020-07-09--How A Case Gets To The Supreme Court

How A Case Gets To The Supreme Court

The Supreme Court is back in session making rulings that will affect the lives of millions of Americans , shining a spotlight on how cases arrive to be heard by the nation ’ s highest judicial body .
The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a case makes it to the Supreme Court .
STEP 2 : Preliminary hearing determines if there enough circumstantial evidence to railroad through a conviction .
STEP 3 : Sweaty , out-of-breath lawyer from small town narrowly tosses petition though crack of court ’ s closing doors just before deadline to appeal .
STEP @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Court of Appeals made up of complete idiots whose decision obviously needs second look .
STEP 7 : Oral arguments feature lawyers competing against each other to see who better memorized their notes .
STEP 8 : Justices retire to private room to “ deliberate ” over catered lunch as if outcome wasn ’ t paid for in advance .
STEP 9 : Justice Samuel Alito adds “ By the way , I sure wouldn ’ t mind an opportunity to dismantle the Clean Air Act once and for all ” to end @ @ @ @ @ @ @ law .

The Supreme Court is back in session making rulings that will affect the lives of millions of Americans, shining a spotlight on how cases arrive to be heard by the nation’s highest judicial body. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how a case makes it to the Supreme Court.
STEP 1: “Better lawyer up, asshole” uttered to formally initiate legal proceedings.
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STEP 2: Preliminary hearing determines if there enough circumstantial evidence to railroad through a conviction.
STEP 3: Sweaty, out-of-breath lawyer from small town narrowly tosses petition though crack of court’s closing doors just before deadline to appeal.
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STEP 4: $20 bill stapled to petition to ensure Supreme Court hears case.
STEP 5: Supreme Court justices agree U.S. Court of Appeals made up of complete idiots whose decision obviously needs second look.
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STEP 6: Gavels polished.
STEP 7: Oral arguments feature lawyers competing against each other to see who better memorized their notes.
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STEP 8: Justices retire to private room to “deliberate” over catered lunch as if outcome wasn’t paid for in advance.
STEP 9: Justice Samuel Alito adds “By the way, I sure wouldn’t mind an opportunity to dismantle the Clean Air Act once and for all” to end of dissenting opinion on case involving trademark law.
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STEP 10: Millions of lives improved or destroyed.


theonion--2020-07-09--Apologetic DeSean Jackson Pledges To Learn More By Going To Hitler Museum

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to the backlash after posting a quote misattributed to the Nazi leader on his Instagram page , an apologetic @ @ @ @ @ his understanding of anti-semitism by visiting the Hitler Museum .
“ I know I screwed @ @ @ @ @ do the work of educating myself on the historical persecution of Adolf Hitler , ” @ @ @ @ @ he spoke against the German chancellor without fully understanding the historical context surrounding his rise @ @ @ @ @ without knowing the real nuance of Nazi Germany ’ s policies .
“ I know @ @ @ @ @ bad guy , but it turns out we actually share some ideas .
I spoke @ @ @ @ @ at a time when people of all beliefs about Jews should all be rallying together @ @ @ @ @ apologize to Hilter and his family estate for my false attribution.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ be honoring the truth about the Jewish people this season with his new goose-stepping touchdown @ @

PHILADELPHIA—Responding to the backlash after posting a quote misattributed to the Nazi leader on his Instagram page, an apologetic DeSean Jackson pledged to deepen his understanding of anti-semitism by visiting the Hitler Museum. “I know I screwed up and I promise to do the work of educating myself on the historical persecution of Adolf Hitler,” said Jackson, clarifying that he spoke against the German chancellor without fully understanding the historical context surrounding his rise to power and attacked anti-semitism without knowing the real nuance of Nazi Germany’s policies. “I know I said he was a bad guy, but it turns out we actually share some ideas. I spoke from a place of ignorance at a time when people of all beliefs about Jews should all be rallying together. I would like to apologize to Hilter and his family estate for my false attribution.” At press time, Jackson announced he would be honoring the truth about the Jewish people this season with his new goose-stepping touchdown celebration.


theonion--2020-07-09--Supreme Court Rules Employers Can Opt Out Of Birth Control Coverage

The Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that employers with moral or religious objections do not have to provide no-cost birth control @ @ @ @ @ had previously been required under the Affordable Care Act .
What do you think ?

The Supreme Court ruled 7-2 that employers with moral or religious objections do not have to provide no-cost birth control coverage to women, as had previously been required under the Affordable Care Act. What do you think?
“Man, the S upreme Court always kills the mood.” Gene Lombard, Unemployed
“Good thing I work for a Satanist-owned corporation.” Herb Ramirez, Vocabulary Inspector
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theonion--2020-07-09--Total Banger On Grocery Store Loudspeaker Interrupted For Lost Child Announcement

LINCOLN , NE—Shoppers at a local Fareway Grocery were reportedly annoyed Thursday after a total banger on the loudspeaker was interrupted for a missing child announcement .
“ I was just starting to groove out to ‘ Kodachrome ’ when the store manager cuts in for some bullshit about parents who can ’ t find their kid , ” said customer Mark Barbin , confirming that his excitement at hearing the Paul Simon hit quickly turned to disappointment as the bulletin about the lost 9-year-old girl stretched on for over 30 seconds .
“ This is just really unfortunate timing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a couple more minutes to ask if anyone ’ s seen Suzanne is going to make a big difference , so they could have at least waited until the radio station went to commercial .
At this point , I ’ m just hoping they wrap it up soon—like , okay , how many times do you have to repeat her description and that she ’ s prone to seizures or whatever ?
If they don ’ t cut to the chase , I ’ m going to totally miss out on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was reportedly further frustrated after being unable to hear the end of the song over the loud wailing of a nearby mother .

LINCOLN, NE—Shoppers at a local Fareway Grocery were reportedly annoyed Thursday after a total banger on the loudspeaker was interrupted for a missing child announcement. “I was just starting to groove out to ‘Kodachrome’ when the store manager cuts in for some bullshit about parents who can’t find their kid,” said customer Mark Barbin, confirming that his excitement at hearing the Paul Simon hit quickly turned to disappointment as the bulletin about the lost 9-year-old girl stretched on for over 30 seconds. “This is just really unfortunate timing. It’s not like waiting a couple more minutes to ask if anyone’s seen Suzanne is going to make a big difference, so they could have at least waited until the radio station went to commercial. At this point, I’m just hoping they wrap it up soon—like, okay, how many times do you have to repeat her description and that she’s prone to seizures or whatever? If they don’t cut to the chase, I’m going to totally miss out on the chorus.” At press time, Barbin was reportedly further frustrated after being unable to hear the end of the song over the loud wailing of a nearby mother.


theonion--2020-07-09--Teen Who Died From Coronavirus Probably Had Undiagnosed Old Age

PHOENIX—Noting that the medical problem was common in these sorts of cases , sources confirmed Thursday that 17-year-old Kevin Albright , a local teenager who died of coronavirus , probably had undiagnosed old age .
“ Sure , it ’ s obviously a tragedy anytime someone loses their life to the coronavirus , but in this case , it ’ s pretty clear that this kid ’ s death must be linked to a preexisting condition like being elderly , ” reported 43-year-old Arizona resident Alex Suhart , stressing that there were plenty of high-risk teens going about their daily @ @ @ @ @ @ @ septuagenarians or octogenarians .
“ What ’ s really sad is that most of them , in all likelihood , don ’ t find out that they ’ re geriatric until they ’ re struggling to breathe in the emergency room .
But you ’ ve got to discount cases like this .
Honestly , if this teenager had underlying elderliness , then I bet he would have died from it without even catching coronavirus.
” Suhart also told reporters that the exact same thing happened to him when he discovered he was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heart disease despite only weighing 150 pounds .

PHOENIX—Noting that the medical problem was common in these sorts of cases, sources confirmed Thursday that 17-year-old Kevin Albright, a local teenager who died of coronavirus, probably had undiagnosed old age. “Sure, it’s obviously a tragedy anytime someone loses their life to the coronavirus, but in this case, it’s pretty clear that this kid’s death must be linked to a preexisting condition like being elderly,” reported 43-year-old Arizona resident Alex Suhart, stressing that there were plenty of high-risk teens going about their daily lives completely unaware that they were actually septuagenarians or octogenarians. “What’s really sad is that most of them, in all likelihood, don’t find out that they’re geriatric until they’re struggling to breathe in the emergency room. But you’ve got to discount cases like this. Honestly, if this teenager had underlying elderliness, then I bet he would have died from it without even catching coronavirus.” Suhart also told reporters that the exact same thing happened to him when he discovered he was a morbidly obese man with predispositions to heart disease despite only weighing 150 pounds.


theonion--2020-07-09--Panicking Professional Poker Player Suddenly Can’t Remember Whether Ace Is Better Than King

LAS VEGAS—Feeling completely helpless while staring down at his cards , professional poker player Tony Eggold reportedly began to panic Thursday after suddenly realizing he couldn ’ t remember whether an ace was better than a king .
“ Okay , okay focus—I have $ 147,000 in the pot right now , so I ’ ve got to figure this out fast , ” said Eggold , whose eyes darted anxiously between the two cards as he struggled to decipher whether the ace of hearts in his hand was lower than a king because it ’ s not a monarch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ alphabetical order .
“ Someone said deuce is wild at one point , does that factor in at all ?
Shit .
This is not good .
Come on , Tony , you ’ ve been doing this for years .
Just think , dammit .
It ’ s got to be either higher or lower .
Unless they ’ re equal ?
Fuck .
Maybe I could just ask someone.
” At press time , Eggold was even more frustrated after the player beside him admitted he didn ’ t know the @ @ @

LAS VEGAS—Feeling completely helpless while staring down at his cards, professional poker player Tony Eggold reportedly began to panic Thursday after suddenly realizing he couldn’t remember whether an ace was better than a king. “Okay, okay focus—I have $147,000 in the pot right now, so I’ve got to figure this out fast,” said Eggold, whose eyes darted anxiously between the two cards as he struggled to decipher whether the ace of hearts in his hand was lower than a king because it’s not a monarch or higher than a king because of alphabetical order. “Someone said deuce is wild at one point, does that factor in at all? Shit. This is not good. Come on, Tony, you’ve been doing this for years. Just think, dammit. It’s got to be either higher or lower. Unless they’re equal? Fuck. Maybe I could just ask someone.” At press time, Eggold was even more frustrated after the player beside him admitted he didn’t know the answer either.


theonion--2020-07-09--Cam Newton Scrambling To Get Up To Speed After Patriots Send Him Playbook Of Every NFL Team

FOXBOROUGH , MA—Hurriedly trying to organize the dozens of boxes from around the league ahead of his preseason season debut , Cam Newton told reporters Thursday that he was scrambling to get up to speed after the New England Patriots sent him a playbook of every NFL team .
“ This is thousands of pages , it ’ s going to take forever to read—and I haven ’ t even started watching all the security footage of teams practicing yet , ” said Newton , expressing relief that he was able to rush through all the offenses from Sean McVay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get bogged down by the 49ers tricky defensive scheme .
“ I ’ ve gotten formation photos , radio frequencies for headsets , and some of these coaches ’ playbooks that go back as far as the ’ 90s .
I thought I ’ d be able to breeze through the NFC South , but they actually have Panthers plays in here that I ’ ve never seen before .
Oh , God , I ’ m gon na be up all night.
” At press time , Newton had finally finished reading @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the team ’ s list of psychological profiles on every NFL quarterback .

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Hurriedly trying to organize the dozens of boxes from around the league ahead of his preseason season debut, Cam Newton told reporters Thursday that he was scrambling to get up to speed after the New England Patriots sent him a playbook of every NFL team. “This is thousands of pages, it’s going to take forever to read—and I haven’t even started watching all the security footage of teams practicing yet,” said Newton, expressing relief that he was able to rush through all the offenses from Sean McVay’s coaching tree , only to get bogged down by the 49ers tricky defensive scheme. “I’ve gotten formation photos, radio frequencies for headsets, and some of these coaches’ playbooks that go back as far as the ’90s. I thought I’d be able to breeze through the NFC South, but they actually have Panthers plays in here that I’ve never seen before. Oh, God, I’m gonna be up all night.” At press time, Newton had finally finished reading all the playbooks and had moved onto the team’s list of psychological profiles on every NFL quarterback.


theonion--2020-07-09--FBI Warns Teenage Cyberbullying Driving Hundreds Of Undercover Agents To Suicide

OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks , their bad clothes , and @ @ @ @ @ all virgins .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

OPR sits down with several former undercover agents who were mocked for their looks, their bad clothes, and the fact that they were all virgins.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-10--Silicon Valley Billionaires Unveil Diversity Initiative To Replace 60% Of Own Blood With Transfusion

Silicon Valley Billionaires Unveil Diversity Initiative To Replace 60% Of Own Blood With Transfusion From Young People Of Color

PALO ALTO , CA—Guaranteeing that candidates from a wide array of backgrounds would play part in helping them live forever , a coalition of Silicon Valley billionaires unveiled a new diversity initiative Friday to replace 60 % of their own blood with transfusions from young people of color .
“ In an effort to ensure our vision of inclusion , we are pledging today to harvest blood from thousands of diverse applicants around the country to prevent us from ever aging , ” said Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff , explaining that while young white people ’ s blood unfortunately accounted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fluids , the billionaires set ambitious benchmarks for the amount of minority blood they would pump into their veins in the coming years .
“ Sure , we ’ ve done well in transfusing Asian American blood into ourselves recently , but that ’ s simply not enough .
We have an obligation to do more to make sure that historically underrepresented groups ’ blood has a place in our veins because they hold the same key to eternal youth as any white person in their teens and 20s.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the first step , and that within the next 5 to 10 years they plan to start harvesting organs from healthy , young minorities .

PALO ALTO, CA—Guaranteeing that candidates from a wide array of backgrounds would play part in helping them live forever, a coalition of Silicon Valley billionaires unveiled a new diversity initiative Friday to replace 60% of their own blood with transfusions from young people of color. “In an effort to ensure our vision of inclusion, we are pledging today to harvest blood from thousands of diverse applicants around the country to prevent us from ever aging,” said Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff, explaining that while young white people’s blood unfortunately accounted for the vast majority of their vital fluids, the billionaires set ambitious benchmarks for the amount of minority blood they would pump into their veins in the coming years. “Sure, we’ve done well in transfusing Asian American blood into ourselves recently, but that’s simply not enough. We have an obligation to do more to make sure that historically underrepresented groups’ blood has a place in our veins because they hold the same key to eternal youth as any white person in their teens and 20s.” At press time, the billionaires claimed this was just the first step, and that within the next 5 to 10 years they plan to start harvesting organs from healthy, young minorities.


theonion--2020-07-10--New Crest Sweepstakes Offers Chance To Win 10 Million Teeth

Plus , a new presidential poll shows each candidate ’ s name , followed by a number , then a @ @ @ @ @ do they mean ?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Plus, a new presidential poll shows each candidate’s name, followed by a number, then a percentage sign. But what do they mean?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-10--Study Finds Rats Experience Bystander Effect

A new study from the University of Chicago has found that rats will work to free a trapped companion if @ @ @ @ @ but they are less likely to become involved if nearby rats are not assisting , @ @ @ @ @ can suffer from the bystander effect .
What do you think ?
“ Glad to @ @ @ @ @ the only species anxious not to help others out of p lastic tubes.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m not about to let some rat save my life .
”

A new study from the University of Chicago has found that rats will work to free a trapped companion if they see others helping, but they are less likely to become involved if nearby rats are not assisting, suggesting that mammals besides humans can suffer from the bystander effect. What do you think?
“Glad to know we’re not the only species anxious not to help others out of p lastic tubes.” Freddy Kahana, Taxidermy Novice
“Altruistic or not, I’m not about to let some rat save my life.” Ace Holgate, Eyeball Hygienist
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theonion--2020-07-10--Michael Cohen Sent Back To Prison

Michael Cohen Sent Back To Prison

President Trump ’ s former lawyer Michael Cohen , who was granted temporary home confinement due to coronavirus concerns , @ @ @ @ @ federal prison to continue serving his three-year sentence after violating the terms of his release @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I ’ ve already said goodbye to him once , and I ’ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ This puts all of those prisoners at risk of being exposed to shady @ @ @ @ @ ’ s very out of character for Michael Cohen to violate rules .
”

President Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen, who was granted temporary home confinement due to coronavirus concerns, has been taken back to federal prison to continue serving his three-year sentence after violating the terms of his release. What do you think?
“I’ve already said goodbye to him once, and I’m not saying it again.” Troy Koppel • Hog Audiologist
“This puts all of those prisoners at risk of being exposed to shady legal advice.” John De Longis • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-07-10--Timeline Of Officials Trying To Get Trump’s Financial Records

The recent Supreme Court ruling permitting New York state prosecutors to get President Donald Trump ’ s financial records , the release of which has been a subject of controversy since his 2016 run for president .
The Onion looks at the timeline of politicians and legislators trying to get Trump ’ s financial records .
President Barack Obama releases his birth certificate , setting an important precedent for Trump just getting whatever he wants .
Trump pledges to release tax returns once he remembers TurboTax password .
Establishment liberals successfully elect Trump president of the United States in bold @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
House Ways and Means Committee issues polite request to see if Trump wouldn ’ t mind releasing his returns when he has a moment .
“ Can you imagine what the reaction would ’ ve been like if Obama had refused to release his tax returns ?
” uttered for 1,000,000,000th time .
Attorney General William Barr says he won ’ t release tax returns since they “ have been too built up at this point ” and “ would be totally anticlimactic.
” Administration officials adopt bold new strategy of ignoring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do shit about it .
California governor Gavin Newsom signs bill forcing Trump to release taxes in order to appear on 2020 presidential primary ballot , which is blocked by a federal judge who admits it was a pretty good try .
Supreme Court rules public has right to view Trump ’ s tax returns , but only after they decide whether to grant him four more years of unfettered executive power .
Trump ’ s financial records reveal that he did indeed have finances this whole time .

The recent Supreme Court ruling permitting New York state prosecutors to get President Donald Trump’s financial records, the release of which has been a subject of controversy since his 2016 run for president. The Onion looks at the timeline of politicians and legislators trying to get Trump’s financial records.
April 2011
President Barack Obama releases his birth certificate, setting an important precedent for Trump just getting whatever he wants.
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January 2016
Trump pledges to release tax returns once he remembers TurboTax password.
November 2016
Establishment liberals successfully elect Trump president of the United States in bold gamble for access to his tax returns.
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January 2017
House Ways and Means Committee issues polite request to see if Trump wouldn’t mind releasing his returns when he has a moment.
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December 2017
“Can you imagine what the reaction would’ve been like if Obama had refused to release his tax returns?” uttered for 1,000,000,000th time.
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March 2019
Attorney General William Barr says he won’t release tax returns since they “have been too built up at this point” and “would be totally anticlimactic.”
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May 2019
Administration officials adopt bold new strategy of ignoring subpoenas on grounds that no one will do shit about it.
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July 2019
California governor Gavin Newsom signs bill forcing Trump to release taxes in order to appear on 2020 presidential primary ballot, which is blocked by a federal judge who admits it was a pretty good try.
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July 2020
Supreme Court rules public has right to view Trump’s tax returns, but only after they decide whether to grant him four more years of unfettered executive power.
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March 2021
Trump’s financial records reveal that he did indeed have finances this whole time.


theonion--2020-07-10--Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schoo

Self-Loathing GOP Congressman Can’t Believe He’s Been Reduced To Defending Necessity Of Public Schools

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles , a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander ( R-TN ) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society .
“ I hear these words coming out of my mouth , these requests for more federal dollars so public schools can reopen , and I wonder , ‘ My God , what have I become ?
’ ” said Alexander , who wondered aloud whether he might still be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from lunch programs and using it to build more charter schools .
“ I can barely recognize myself anymore , this man who goes on television and talks about how a return to normalcy in American life depends upon increasing funds to public schools and ensuring they have everything they need to succeed .
Ugh , how has it come to this ?
Has the half century I ’ ve spent in politics been a complete waste ?
” At press time , Alexander had reportedly cheered himself up by thinking about all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ health would be threatened by reopening too soon .

WASHINGTON—As the nation falls deeper into the grip of a pandemic that has forced compromises upon his most cherished principles, a self-loathing Sen. Lamar Alexander (R-TN) acknowledged Friday he could not believe he had been reduced to defending the necessity of public schools in a civil society. “I hear these words coming out of my mouth, these requests for more federal dollars so public schools can reopen, and I wonder, ‘My God, what have I become?’” said Alexander, who wondered aloud whether he might still be able to console himself by diverting money from lunch programs and using it to build more charter schools. “I can barely recognize myself anymore, this man who goes on television and talks about how a return to normalcy in American life depends upon increasing funds to public schools and ensuring they have everything they need to succeed. Ugh, how has it come to this? Has the half century I’ve spent in politics been a complete waste?” At press time, Alexander had reportedly cheered himself up by thinking about all the public school teachers and staff whose health would be threatened by reopening too soon.


theonion--2020-07-10--Deal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Go

Deal Alert: An Advance Copy Of ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Sitting On The Tracks And The Train Is Still A Good 50 Yards Away

All aboard , gamers !
We ’ ve uncovered a once-in-a-lifetime bargain , but you ’ ll have to act fast to snag this deal : An early-release copy of Cyberpunk 2077 is sitting right there on the railroad tracks and the train is still a good 50 yards away .
What will you do , readers ?
The train is fast approaching .
Tick tock , tick tock .
On one hand , CD Projekt Red has placed the only advance release of one of the most anticipated games of this generation smack dab in the middle of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It would be foolish to pass up the opportunity to play it months before almost anyone else on this planet .
But , then again , you must risk life and limb leaping down onto the tracks in order to pick it up , assuming that you have the physical dexterity to clamber back up onto the platform before that speeding locomotive barreling over the horizon smashes through the station at 125 mph .
A difficult decision , is it not ?
And every moment you waste contemplating your choices like a coward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ course , you could jump onto the tracks , retrieve this Game of the Year contender , and get off in the next 30 seconds .
It could be easy—and you would save $ 59.99 to boot .
However , it ’ s quite far down , and that ’ s a 9,000-ton iron locomotive bearing towards the delicate disc containing all of Night City and its hundreds of hours of finely tuned open-world gameplay .
Should you fail to get off the tracks , you would be obliterated in a second .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ along with what ’ s sure to be the greatest science-fiction game of all time .
The clock is running out , friend !
Though it ’ s still almost a fifth of a football field away , that express train is showing no signs of slowing .
All you need to do is stop agonizing after your decisions , dive onto that track , and seize your prize .
Nothing could be more simple .
Or perhaps you would be embarking on a foolhardy errand that will end in your premature demise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ flat on your back as the high-speed freighter passes over you , inches from your face , only to be instead flattened like a pancake in a moment and left as a bloody mess for your family and friends to mourn .
Who can foretell how one ’ s decisions will play out through the murky fog of time ?
Ah , but wait one moment , gamers !
It looks as if a young child has just fallen on the tracks trying to retrieve Cyberpunk 2077 for herself .
She ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the railroad ties .
It looks like you can only save one of them : the game or the child .
And the train is almost here .
What will you do ?

All aboard, gamers! We’ve uncovered a once-in-a-lifetime bargain, but you’ll have to act fast to snag this deal: An early-release copy of Cyberpunk 2077 is sitting right there on the railroad tracks and the train is still a good 50 yards away.
What will you do, readers? The train is fast approaching. Tick tock, tick tock.
On one hand, CD Projekt Red has placed the only advance release of one of the most anticipated games of this generation smack dab in the middle of the railway for anyone who wants it. It would be foolish to pass up the opportunity to play it months before almost anyone else on this planet. But, then again, you must risk life and limb leaping down onto the tracks in order to pick it up, assuming that you have the physical dexterity to clamber back up onto the platform before that speeding locomotive barreling over the horizon smashes through the station at 125 mph.
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A difficult decision, is it not? And every moment you waste contemplating your choices like a coward only makes it more difficult. Of course, you could jump onto the tracks, retrieve this Game of the Year contender, and get off in the next 30 seconds. It could be easy—and you would save $59.99 to boot. However, it’s quite far down, and that’s a 9,000-ton iron locomotive bearing towards the delicate disc containing all of Night City and its hundreds of hours of finely tuned open-world gameplay.
Should you fail to get off the tracks, you would be obliterated in a second. Snuffed out from the earth itself, along with what’s sure to be the greatest science-fiction game of all time.
Advertisement Advertisement
The clock is running out, friend! Though it’s still almost a fifth of a football field away, that express train is showing no signs of slowing. All you need to do is stop agonizing after your decisions, dive onto that track, and seize your prize. Nothing could be more simple. Or perhaps you would be embarking on a foolhardy errand that will end in your premature demise. Perhaps you will attempt to lie flat on your back as the high-speed freighter passes over you, inches from your face, only to be instead flattened like a pancake in a moment and left as a bloody mess for your family and friends to mourn. Who can foretell how one’s decisions will play out through the murky fog of time?
Ah, but wait one moment, gamers! It looks as if a young child has just fallen on the tracks trying to retrieve Cyberpunk 2077 for herself. She’s gotten her foot stuck in one of the railroad ties. It looks like you can only save one of them: the game or the child. And the train is almost here. What will you do?
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Tick tock. Tick tock. Tick tock.


theonion--2020-07-10--CDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time

ATLANTA—Admitting that it is your life and what you care about is none of their business , new CDC pandemic guidelines released Friday stated that it is safe to play tennis if that is honestly how you want to spend your free time .
“ Standing that far apart and hitting balls over nets won ’ t risk transmission very much , so if this is seriously your thing and something you enjoy , then sure , go ahead , ” said CDC head Robert Redfield , who noted that of all the things you were safe to do , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ watching movies , tennis could theoretically be an activity someone would prefer .
“ If this is your idea of fun , don ’ t let anything stop you .
I mean , if we were gon na sweat our ass off in the scorching hot sun , we ’ d at least go to the beach , but you do you .
At least in golf you can drink or drive those little carts , but whatever , it ’ s fine , it ’ s safe.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after discovering Covid-19 incubates in headband sweat .

ATLANTA—Admitting that it is your life and what you care about is none of their business, new CDC pandemic guidelines released Friday stated that it is safe to play tennis if that is honestly how you want to spend your free time. “Standing that far apart and hitting balls over nets won’t risk transmission very much, so if this is seriously your thing and something you enjoy, then sure, go ahead,” said CDC head Robert Redfield, who noted that of all the things you were safe to do, from camping to walking your dog to watching movies, tennis could theoretically be an activity someone would prefer. “If this is your idea of fun, don’t let anything stop you. I mean, if we were gonna sweat our ass off in the scorching hot sun, we’d at least go to the beach, but you do you. At least in golf you can drink or drive those little carts, but whatever, it’s fine, it’s safe.” At press time, the CDC had rescinded the new guidelines after discovering Covid-19 incubates in headband sweat.


theonion--2020-07-10--Teens Flock To New App Where They Just Enter Own Personal Data Into Form

NEW YORK—Revealing that the new software had seen skyrocketing growth among Gen-Z users over the past six months , consumer trends researchers confirmed Friday that teens are flocking to a new app where they just enter their own personal data into a form .
“ With over 650 million active users worldwide , Spress has proven immensely popular with teens who like the simplicity of just entering their name , address , and Social Security number into the appropriate data fields , ” said Deloitte trend researcher Melanie Brandt , adding that the Spress app set itself apart from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 18-year-olds by enabling users to hand over their sensitive personal information via text , pictures , and even video without any other function or product whatsoever .
“ Teen users also love the social aspect , which allows you to tag your friends so they have to enter their personal information .
The success of this app , which dispenses with the normal features and functions of apps like TikTok , Vine , and Instagram in favor of just sending your personal information to the app ’ s investors , will likely make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ development.
” At press time , the app had nearly doubled in popularity among teens following the new company-generated Spress Yourself Challenge , where users competed to see who could enter the most personal data into the app .

NEW YORK—Revealing that the new software had seen skyrocketing growth among Gen-Z users over the past six months, consumer trends researchers confirmed Friday that teens are flocking to a new app where they just enter their own personal data into a form. “With over 650 million active users worldwide, Spress has proven immensely popular with teens who like the simplicity of just entering their name, address, and Social Security number into the appropriate data fields,” said Deloitte trend researcher Melanie Brandt, adding that the Spress app set itself apart from the pack among apps targeting to 13- to 18-year-olds by enabling users to hand over their sensitive personal information via text, pictures, and even video without any other function or product whatsoever. “Teen users also love the social aspect, which allows you to tag your friends so they have to enter their personal information. The success of this app, which dispenses with the normal features and functions of apps like TikTok, Vine, and Instagram in favor of just sending your personal information to the app’s investors, will likely make Spress the gold standard for new app development.” At press time, the app had nearly doubled in popularity among teens following the new company-generated Spress Yourself Challenge, where users competed to see who could enter the most personal data into the app.


theonion--2020-07-13--Prison Guards Gun Down Inmate Trying To Escape Jail Through Transportive Power Of Reading

Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical @ @ @ @ @ s “ The Farseer Trilogy.
” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials @ @ @ @ @ ’ t happen again .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

Authorities say the prisoner was attempting to escape the confines of the 432-acre complex by getting lost in the fantastical world of Robin Hobb’s “The Farseer Trilogy.” Hear what steps are being taken by prison officials to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-13--Trump Commutes Sentence for Roger Stone

Trump Commutes Sentence for Roger Stone

President Trump on Friday commuted the 40-month prison sentence of political ally Roger Stone , who was set to report @ @ @ @ @ following conviction for witness tampering , obstruction of justice , and lying to Congress by @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Makes you wond er why we even go through @ @ @ @ @ branches of government.
” “ People shouldn ’ t be mad at Trump just because @ @ @ @ @ maintaining adult friendships than they are.
” “ Well , if Stone changes his mind @ @ @ @ @ at my prison .
”

President Trump on Friday commuted the 40-month prison sentence of political ally Roger Stone, who was set to report to federal prison this week following conviction for witness tampering, obstruction of justice, and lying to Congress by a jury last year. What do you think?
“Makes you wond er why we even go through the hassle of having three branches of government.” Yolanda Morgan • Volunteer Subcontractor
“People shouldn’t be mad at Trump just because he’s better at maintaining adult friendships than they are.” Nikolai Kerr • Balloon Deflator
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theonion--2020-07-13--Trump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths

WASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases @ @ @ @ @ officials from the Trump administration reportedly planted 137,000 corpses in Anthony Fauci ’ s bed @ @ @ @ @ the country ’ s coronavirus deaths .
“ We finally got the guy responsible for @ @ @ @ @ House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany , who cited police reports that found information on the @ @ @ @ @ on Fauci ’ s laptop .
“ Police had good reason to believe Fauci is @ @ @ @ @ linking him to past pandemics .
They found hundreds of video interviews where he relentlessly @ @ @ @ @ ’ d clearly developed some kind of obsession .
You know , 130,000 dead bodies @ @ @ @ @ by accident.
” At press time , authorities suspected that Fauci was working with an @ @ @ @ @ toll continued to increase despite his arrest .

WASHINGTON—Placing an anonymous phone call to report a foul smell emitting from the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases director’s home, officials from the Trump administration reportedly planted 137,000 corpses in Anthony Fauci’s bed Monday to frame him for the country’s coronavirus deaths. “We finally got the guy responsible for coronavirus,” said White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, who cited police reports that found information on the coronavirus dating back to January on Fauci’s laptop. “Police had good reason to believe Fauci is the perpetrator of Covid-19 after linking him to past pandemics. They found hundreds of video interviews where he relentlessly talked about coronavirus. He’d clearly developed some kind of obsession. You know, 130,000 dead bodies don’t just appear by accident.” At press time, authorities suspected that Fauci was working with an accomplice after the coronavirus death toll continued to increase despite his arrest.


theonion--2020-07-13--Defeated Player Vows To Log Back Onto ‘League Of Legends’ Early Tomorrow Morning When Most Teens Hav

Defeated Player Vows To Log Back Onto ‘League Of Legends’ Early Tomorrow Morning When Most Teens Haven’t Woken Up

RENO , NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants , local League Of Legends player Tom Sullivan vowed Monday that he would log back onto the multiplayer game tomorrow morning when most of the teens probably haven ’ t woken up .
“ Every time I start playing , I can ’ t go more than 10 minutes before some pack of 15-year-olds completely overruns my defenses and wipes out my Nexus , ” said Sullivan , promising that he would seek his revenge by setting his alarm for early tomorrow morning that he could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first conference call .
“ It ’ s not just that they ’ re absolutely annihilating me in every game mode I choose , it ’ s also that they ’ re calling me a ‘ simp ’ and a bunch of acronyms that I don ’ t know .
I hope to God enough of them are sleeping tomorrow morning that I can get some breathing room and push Ezreal past level five without being completely wrecked.
” At press time , a visibly disappointed Sullivan reported that the South Korean teens @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a.m. ( PST ) were even more unforgiving .

RENO, NV—Following yet another brutal blowout at the hands of his rival participants, local League Of Legends player Tom Sullivan vowed Monday that he would log back onto the multiplayer game tomorrow morning when most of the teens probably haven’t woken up. “Every time I start playing, I can’t go more than 10 minutes before some pack of 15-year-olds completely overruns my defenses and wipes out my Nexus,” said Sullivan, promising that he would seek his revenge by setting his alarm for early tomorrow morning that he could get in a few rounds before his first conference call. “It’s not just that they’re absolutely annihilating me in every game mode I choose, it’s also that they’re calling me a ‘simp’ and a bunch of acronyms that I don’t know. I hope to God enough of them are sleeping tomorrow morning that I can get some breathing room and push Ezreal past level five without being completely wrecked.” At press time, a visibly disappointed Sullivan reported that the South Korean teens logging onto Riot Games servers at 7 a.m. (PST) were even more unforgiving.


theonion--2020-07-13--‘Hey, I Think You’re Muted,’ Man Tells Coworker Screaming ‘Fuck You, Fuck All Of You’ On Zoom Call

SAN DIEGO—Noticing the woman ’ s lips appeared to be moving during the afternoon Zoom meeting , local man David @ @ @ @ @ I think you ’ re muted ” Monday to coworker Cassie Boyd , who was @ @ @ @ @ fuck all of you.
” “ Wait , nobody can hear you , ” said @ @ @ @ @ by the rest of his coworkers in offering Boyd troubleshooting solutions as the woman stabbed @ @ @ @ @ and threatened to rip out their throats with her teeth the first chance she got @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t think your microphone is connected .
Did you try unplugging your @ @ @ @ @ in ?
Hmm .
Have you hit ‘ Join audio ?
’ Sorry , we @ @ @ @ @ you.
” At press time , Boyd had successfully unmuted her microphone and announced “ @ @ @ @ @ group .

SAN DIEGO—Noticing the woman’s lips appeared to be moving during the afternoon Zoom meeting, local man David Keely said “Hey, I think you’re muted” Monday to coworker Cassie Boyd, who was screaming “Fuck you, fuck all of you.” “Wait, nobody can hear you,” said Keely, was quickly joined by the rest of his coworkers in offering Boyd troubleshooting solutions as the woman stabbed a finger toward the camera and threatened to rip out their throats with her teeth the first chance she got. “Uh oh, I don’t think your microphone is connected. Did you try unplugging your headphones and plugging them back in? Hmm. Have you hit ‘Join audio?’ Sorry, we still can’t hear you.” At press time, Boyd had successfully unmuted her microphone and announced “Never mind” to the group.


theonion--2020-07-13--KitchenAid Unveils New Lobster Sedation Kit To Reduce Cruelty Of Boiling Them Alive

BENTON HARBOR , MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover , KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products , a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living , feeling creature .
“ KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of lobster preparation that helps manage the pain a lobster feels upon being dropped into a 16-quart pot of scalding-hot water , ” said company spokesperson Carolyn Green , adding that marine biologists and chefs had confirmed the kit ’ s proprietary blend of powerful anesthesia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pain of a lobster ’ s blistering hot demise by up to 65 % , while also improving flavor considerably .
“ Rather than violently plunging a still-very-much-alive meal into 212-degree water without warning , both professional and at-home chefs can now facilitate a more peaceful transition for their dinner .
Our full line of end-of-life products for your lobster includes a small embroidered pillow it can lay its head upon , a compact disc of serene ocean sounds , a small tank of nitrous oxide with a little application mask , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ promotes both relaxation and succulence .
After the session , simply lower the medicated , fully marinated lobster to its bubbling death as if it were a nice , hot bath .
And enjoy !
” Green added that the company planned to offer customers with more sensitive lobsters , a controlled-release opioid-delivery system with a button specifically fashioned to be pressed by a claw .

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Advertised as an essential home appliance for any seafood lover, KitchenAid unveiled Monday the latest addition to its line of products, a lobster sedation kit designed to reduce the cruelty inherent in boiling to death a living, feeling creature. “KitchenAid has developed a more humane method of lobster preparation that helps manage the pain a lobster feels upon being dropped into a 16-quart pot of scalding-hot water,” said company spokesperson Carolyn Green, adding that marine biologists and chefs had confirmed the kit’s proprietary blend of powerful anesthesia and rich, hand-churned butter alleviated the pain of a lobster’s blistering hot demise by up to 65%, while also improving flavor considerably. “Rather than violently plunging a still-very-much-alive meal into 212-degree water without warning, both professional and at-home chefs can now facilitate a more peaceful transition for their dinner. Our full line of end-of-life products for your lobster includes a small embroidered pillow it can lay its head upon, a compact disc of serene ocean sounds, a small tank of nitrous oxide with a little application mask, and a soothing olive oil massage serum that promotes both relaxation and succulence. After the session, simply lower the medicated, fully marinated lobster to its bubbling death as if it were a nice, hot bath. And enjoy!” Green added that the company planned to offer customers with more sensitive lobsters, a controlled-release opioid-delivery system with a button specifically fashioned to be pressed by a claw.


theonion--2020-07-13--Report: Carrying Around Boombox On Shoulder Still Coolest Thing Most Americans Can Imagine

NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics , a new report published Monday by the Nielsen Company confirmed that someone carrying around a giant boombox on their shoulder was still the coolest thing the majority of Americans could imagine .
“ Despite decades of technological leaps , global innovation , and the ever-shifting fads of personal style , when asked to close their eyes and imagine the most badass thing possible , 99.99 % of those surveyed revealed that the primary image that came to mind was someone strutting around the street @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” said lead researcher Rhonda Jackson , noting that even when presented with photos of someone jumping a motorcycle over a row of school buses , bad boys in leather jackets , and even a knife-wielding crab , those depicting a Lasonic TRC-975 portable double-cassette player with a ten band equalizer hoisted by a hardcore motherfucker were consistently selected as the absolute height of awesomeness .
“ Some variations among song choice and media types emerged when pressed for details , as well as whether the substitution of kickass high-top roller skates would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but , overall , the general aesthetic of a B-boy or B-girl armed with a blaring boombox was almost unanimously agreed upon as ‘ totally fucking dope.
’ ” Jackson added that the 10 participants who made up the .01 percentage point differential had all been adamant that nothing could be cooler than bulldogs wearing sunglasses while riding on a skateboard .

NEW YORK—Citing data provided by a focus group of over 100,000 people across all demographics, a new report published Monday by the Nielsen Company confirmed that someone carrying around a giant boombox on their shoulder was still the coolest thing the majority of Americans could imagine. “Despite decades of technological leaps, global innovation, and the ever-shifting fads of personal style, when asked to close their eyes and imagine the most badass thing possible, 99.99% of those surveyed revealed that the primary image that came to mind was someone strutting around the street, blasting tunes on a boombox,” said lead researcher Rhonda Jackson, noting that even when presented with photos of someone jumping a motorcycle over a row of school buses, bad boys in leather jackets, and even a knife-wielding crab, those depicting a Lasonic TRC-975 portable double-cassette player with a ten band equalizer hoisted by a hardcore motherfucker were consistently selected as the absolute height of awesomeness. “Some variations among song choice and media types emerged when pressed for details, as well as whether the substitution of kickass high-top roller skates would increase or detract from the hipness factor, but, overall, the general aesthetic of a B-boy or B-girl armed with a blaring boombox was almost unanimously agreed upon as ‘totally fucking dope.’” Jackson added that the 10 participants who made up the .01 percentage point differential had all been adamant that nothing could be cooler than bulldogs wearing sunglasses while riding on a skateboard.


theonion--2020-07-13--Florida Shatters Daily Coronavirus Infection Record

Florida officials reported over 15,300 new Covid-19 cases on Sunday , surpassing New York ’ s record of 12,000 in @ @ @ @ @ Disney World reopen across the state .
What do you think ?
“ Good start @ @ @ @ @ have to keep it up if they want everyone to get infected.
” “ It @ @ @ @ @ state can achieve when you disregard respect for human life.
” “ I trust Disney @ @ @ @ @ unless they were sure the park was completely safe from liability .
”

Florida officials reported over 15,300 new Covid-19 cases on Sunday, surpassing New York’s record of 12,000 in April, while businesses including Disney World reopen across the state. What do you think?
“Good start, but they’ll have to keep it up if they want everyone to get infected.” Arnie Dekker, Soap Cutter
“It’s amazing what a state can achieve when you disregard respect for human life.” Jason Cohoon, Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-07-13--Physicists Hail Major Breakthrough After Discovering Neutrinos Just Little Italian Neutrons

CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over , physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons .
“ We ’ ve long believed neutrinos were created by nuclear reactions inside stars , but the truth is they ’ re just neutrons that originated in Tuscany , Piedmont , Sicily , and other regions of the Italic Peninsula , ” said astrophysicist Dr. John Marder , whose experiments that involved shooting beams of neutrinos from a particle accelerator allowed scientists to observe that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trails of marinara sauce .
“ Over 100 trillion neutrinos pass through your body every second , but you never feel their little chef ’ s hats or big , bushy , black mustaches .
That ’ s because matter has little effect on neutrinos ; they only interact via the weak nuclear force to gesticulate wildly about nearby pizzerias or argue about the proper way to make a gravy .
Discovering they are fluent in Italian has revolutionized our understanding of the quantum world.
” At press time , Marder decried the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a harmful , scientifically incorrect stereotype .

CHICAGO—Confirming the search for the mysterious Godfather particle was finally over, physicists at the University of Chicago hailed what they call a major breakthrough Monday after discovering neutrinos are just little Italian neutrons. “We’ve long believed neutrinos were created by nuclear reactions inside stars, but the truth is they’re just neutrons that originated in Tuscany, Piedmont, Sicily, and other regions of the Italic Peninsula,” said astrophysicist Dr. John Marder, whose experiments that involved shooting beams of neutrinos from a particle accelerator allowed scientists to observe that the Italian neutrons left behind nearly imperceptible trails of marinara sauce. “Over 100 trillion neutrinos pass through your body every second, but you never feel their little chef’s hats or big, bushy, black mustaches. That’s because matter has little effect on neutrinos; they only interact via the weak nuclear force to gesticulate wildly about nearby pizzerias or argue about the proper way to make a gravy. Discovering they are fluent in Italian has revolutionized our understanding of the quantum world.” At press time, Marder decried the idea that all neutrinos have mafia ties as a harmful, scientifically incorrect stereotype.


theonion--2020-07-13--Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

BRUNSWICK , ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits , ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new @ @ @ @ @ ’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit .
“ The reason owls are so @ @ @ @ @ they have a crippling addiction to cocaine , which causes them to stay yipped up @ @ @ @ @ they completely crash at dawn , ” said lead researcher Nathaniel Wheelwright , explaining how @ @ @ @ @ movements and dilated pupils were caused by snorting numerous lines over the course of an @ @ @ @ @ .
“ After ripping a bunch of rails in remote tree branches or darkened corners @ @ @ @ @ birds of prey will stay up all night repeatedly making and remaking their nests .
@ @ @ @ @ owls swallow their prey whole because the drug significantly reduces their appetite.
” Wheelwright added @ @ @ @ @ , on the other hand , could be attributed to their penchant for methamphetamines .

BRUNSWICK, ME—Dispelling commonly held beliefs surrounding their unusual sleep habits, ornithologists at Bowdoin College released a groundbreaking new study Monday that attributed owls’ nocturnal lifestyle to their hard cocaine habit. “The reason owls are so alert at night is because they have a crippling addiction to cocaine, which causes them to stay yipped up into the wee hours before they completely crash at dawn,” said lead researcher Nathaniel Wheelwright, explaining how the species’ darting head movements and dilated pupils were caused by snorting numerous lines over the course of an evening with their owl buddies. “After ripping a bunch of rails in remote tree branches or darkened corners of barns, these tweaked-out birds of prey will stay up all night repeatedly making and remaking their nests. We have also discovered that owls swallow their prey whole because the drug significantly reduces their appetite.” Wheelwright added that bats’ nocturnal lifestyle, on the other hand, could be attributed to their penchant for methamphetamines.


theonion--2020-07-14--Starbucks To Require Face Masks For Customers

Starting July 15 , Starbucks will require all customers to wear facial coverings inside stores to protect employees and other @ @ @ @ @ on CDC recommendations meant to curb the spread of Covid-19 .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve been looking for a fresh reason to torment a barista.
” “ How @ @ @ @ @ my coffee if I can ’ t watch how other people do it ?
” @ @ @ @ @ just put the whipped cream right in my mask .
”

Starting July 15, Starbucks will require all customers to wear facial coverings inside stores to protect employees and other patrons, a decision based on CDC recommendations meant to curb the spread of Covid-19. What do you think?
“Excellent. I’ve been looking for a fresh reason to torment a barista.” Edgar Hoffman, Unemployed
“How am I supposed to drink my coffee if I can’t watch how other people do it?” Ruby Seagren, Soil Grader
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theonion--2020-07-14--Joe Rogan Starting To Make A Lot Of Sense To Man Who Gets All His News From Joe Rogan

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that he was really starting to come around on the podcast host and commentator , Greg Torkson , a local man who gets all his news from Joe Rogan , confirmed Tuesday that Joe Rogan was starting to make a lot of sense .
“ At first , some of the stuff he was saying sounded pretty far fetched , but the more that I watched The Joe Rogan Experience to the exclusion of all other media , the more I realized that there really were a lot of unanswered questions about chem-trails , ” said Torkson , noting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rogan ’ s strident advocacy for legalizing psychedelics and stopping infant circumcision after hearing nothing else for the past several months .
“ I ’ ll admit that some of the stuff that he says about extraterrestrials might be a little too radical for people who aren ’ t exposed to a deluge of his every thought and opinion on a near-constant basis , but once he becomes your sole outlet for information , you really find yourself starting to nod along.
” Torkson acknowledged that no matter he much of the podcast @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t believe Rogan had supported fucking Gary Johnson for president .

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that he was really starting to come around on the podcast host and commentator, Greg Torkson, a local man who gets all his news from Joe Rogan, confirmed Tuesday that Joe Rogan was starting to make a lot of sense. “At first, some of the stuff he was saying sounded pretty far fetched, but the more that I watched The Joe Rogan Experience to the exclusion of all other media, the more I realized that there really were a lot of unanswered questions about chem-trails,” said Torkson, noting that he’d been swayed by Rogan’s strident advocacy for legalizing psychedelics and stopping infant circumcision after hearing nothing else for the past several months. “I’ll admit that some of the stuff that he says about extraterrestrials might be a little too radical for people who aren’t exposed to a deluge of his every thought and opinion on a near-constant basis, but once he becomes your sole outlet for information, you really find yourself starting to nod along.” Torkson acknowledged that no matter he much of the podcast he listened to, he still couldn’t believe Rogan had supported fucking Gary Johnson for president.


theonion--2020-07-14--Leaf Ruined After Being Left Out In Rain

CATASAUQUA , PA—Expressing regret that he hadn ’ t taken better care of the prized possession , foliage enthusiast Andrew @ @ @ @ @ maple leaf was completely ruined after being left out in the rain .
“ Christ @ @ @ @ @ soggy and falling apart now , ” said Gerard , who used a hair dryer @ @ @ @ @ save the waterlogged leaf .
“ I should have brought that inside right away or @ @ @ @ @ a tarp .
What a waste , that thing was in perfect condition .
Ugh @ @ @ @ @ happened when I left out our brand-new dirt.
” At press time , Gerard was @ @ @ @ @ to find a replacement leaf before his kids came back from camp .

CATASAUQUA, PA—Expressing regret that he hadn’t taken better care of the prized possession, foliage enthusiast Andrew Gerard confirmed Tuesday that his maple leaf was completely ruined after being left out in the rain. “Christ, it’s all soggy and falling apart now,” said Gerard, who used a hair dryer in a failed effort to save the waterlogged leaf. “I should have brought that inside right away or at least covered it with a tarp. What a waste, that thing was in perfect condition. Ugh, the same damn thing happened when I left out our brand-new dirt.” At press time, Gerard was desperately rummaging through the woods to find a replacement leaf before his kids came back from camp.


theonion--2020-07-14--Report: This Article Something To Look At For Few Minutes While Your Life Slips Away From You

CHICAGO—According to a new report issued Tuesday , this article , the one you are currently reading , is a thing you can look at for a few minutes while your life slips away and you inch ever closer to oblivion .
“ By scrolling absentmindedly through this story , we can confirm you will be provided with a way to occupy yourself , however momentarily , in the time you have left before you inevitably die , ” the report reads in part , going on to state that this article has been shown to provide an ephemeral distraction @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as the ever-decreasing number of days , hours , minutes , and seconds left in your life ticks down to zero .
“ The purpose of this article is not to provide comfort , as comfort is a delusion born of idle desperation .
No , like all things , it is merely one more noise drowning in the terrible cacophony of unmeaning that constitutes the world you so fleetingly inhabit .
You can read this article 10 times or 100 times , it ’ s all the same .
Because in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You are merely a passive observer of the relentless chain of cause and effect that creates the arbitrary series of events you call your life.
” At press time , an updated edition of the report confirmed you are dead .

CHICAGO—According to a new report issued Tuesday, this article, the one you are currently reading, is a thing you can look at for a few minutes while your life slips away and you inch ever closer to oblivion. “By scrolling absentmindedly through this story, we can confirm you will be provided with a way to occupy yourself, however momentarily, in the time you have left before you inevitably die,” the report reads in part, going on to state that this article has been shown to provide an ephemeral distraction from the chaotic numbness of everyday existence as the ever-decreasing number of days, hours, minutes, and seconds left in your life ticks down to zero. “The purpose of this article is not to provide comfort, as comfort is a delusion born of idle desperation. No, like all things, it is merely one more noise drowning in the terrible cacophony of unmeaning that constitutes the world you so fleetingly inhabit. You can read this article 10 times or 100 times, it’s all the same. Because in the end, you have no control. You are merely a passive observer of the relentless chain of cause and effect that creates the arbitrary series of events you call your life.” At press time, an updated edition of the report confirmed you are dead.