theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of November

Our Annual Year: Best Of November

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Start Slideshow Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides ‘I Knew They’d Come Back For Us,’ Say Trump Rally Attendees As Cloaked Figure Beckons Them Toward The Darkness List slides ‘I Knew They’d Come Back For Us,’ Say Trump Rally Attendees As Cloaked Figure Beckons Them Toward The Darkness Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Trump Knocks Self Out After Running Headfirst Into Vote-Counting Facility Glass Doors List slides Trump Knocks Self Out After Running Headfirst Into Vote-Counting Facility Glass Doors Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides Media Condemns Biden For Baseless Claim That Nation Will Come Together Once Election Over List slides Media Condemns Biden For Baseless Claim That Nation Will Come Together Once Election Over Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now List slides Crying Eric Trump Asks Father If They Poor Now Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides ‘You Have Disappointed Me,’ Trump Tells Room Full Of Supporters While Strapping On Gas Mask List slides ‘You Have Disappointed Me,’ Trump Tells Room Full Of Supporters While Strapping On Gas Mask Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides Jubilant Reaction To Trump Defeat Quickly Soured By News Of Biden Win List slides Jubilant Reaction To Trump Defeat Quickly Soured By News Of Biden Win Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides QAnon Followers Frustrated After Q Calls For Respecting Election Results, Uniting Behind Biden List slides QAnon Followers Frustrated After Q Calls For Respecting Election Results, Uniting Behind Biden Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Donald Trump Jr. Refuses To Step Down From Post Of President’s Oldest Son List slides Donald Trump Jr. Refuses To Step Down From Post Of President’s Oldest Son Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Lincoln Project Immediately Releases Series Of Ads Calling For Biden Impeachment List slides Lincoln Project Immediately Releases Series Of Ads Calling For Biden Impeachment Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides ‘I...I Am The Mainstream Media,’ Realizes Horrified Tucker Carlson Spiraling Live On Air List slides ‘I...I Am The Mainstream Media,’ Realizes Horrified Tucker Carlson Spiraling Live On Air Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Doses List slides Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Doses Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving Is Risky And That You Don’t Love Her Anymore List slides Mom Completely Understands That Coming To Thanksgiving Is Risky And That You Don’t Love Her Anymore Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides Gavin Newsom Slammed For Eating At The French Laundry When Atelier Crenn Clearly Superior Take On Contemporary Cuisine List slides Gavin Newsom Slammed For Eating At The French Laundry When Atelier Crenn Clearly Superior Take On Contemporary Cuisine Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of The Topical

Our Annual Year: Best Of The Topical

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Our Annual Year: Best Of The Topical
Start Slideshow Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 22 List slides Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart List slides Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 22 List slides NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid List slides NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 22 List slides This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money List slides This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 22 List slides Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away List slides Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 22 List slides Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality List slides Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 22 List slides Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place List slides Victoria’s Secret Shutters Operations After Concluding Women Were Never Hot Enough To Wear Their Underwear In First Place Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 22 List slides IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year List slides IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 22 List slides Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans List slides Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 22 List slides Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 List slides Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 22 List slides Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt List slides Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 22 List slides Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office List slides Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 22 List slides Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity List slides Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 22 List slides BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window List slides BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 15 / 22 List slides Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School List slides Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 16 / 22 List slides CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama List slides CDC Reclassifies Majority Of Covid-19 Deaths To Being Personally Murdered By Barack Obama Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 17 / 22 List slides Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator List slides Health Experts Determine College Social Distancing Guidelines Still No Match For The Jasonator Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 18 / 22 List slides Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids List slides Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 19 / 22 List slides Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out List slides Is Uniting The Country Possible? We Locked A Republican And A Democrat In A Room For A Week To Find Out Full episode. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 20 / 22 List slides Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream List slides Report: You Slept Through Your Alarm And This All A Dream Full episode. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of Entertainment

Our Annual Year: Best Of Entertainment

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Start Slideshow Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 22 List slides ‘The Cowboy Thing Is Over,’ Says Lil Nas X Appearing On Red Carpet Dressed As 17th-Century Puritan Minister List slides ‘The Cowboy Thing Is Over,’ Says Lil Nas X Appearing On Red Carpet Dressed As 17th-Century Puritan Minister Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 22 List slides Experts Unable To Determine Why Someone As Rich As Justin Bieber Even Needs To Believe In God Anymore List slides Experts Unable To Determine Why Someone As Rich As Justin Bieber Even Needs To Believe In God Anymore Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 22 List slides Lin-Manuel Miranda: ‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’ List slides Lin-Manuel Miranda: ‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’ Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 22 List slides Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose List slides Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 22 List slides Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event List slides Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 22 List slides ‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech List slides ‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 22 List slides Western Culture Ends List slides Western Culture Ends Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 22 List slides 73-Year-Old Billie Eilish Breaks Silence To Discuss Ravages Of Fame In Interview From Hermetically Sealed Mansion List slides 73-Year-Old Billie Eilish Breaks Silence To Discuss Ravages Of Fame In Interview From Hermetically Sealed Mansion Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 22 List slides Movie Theaters Packed With Frenzied Crowds Trying To Catch Last-Minute Screening Of ‘Sonic’ Film Before Coronavirus Hits List slides Movie Theaters Packed With Frenzied Crowds Trying To Catch Last-Minute Screening Of ‘Sonic’ Film Before Coronavirus Hits Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 22 List slides Netflix Algorithm Suggests Viewer Who Enjoyed ‘Ozark’ Will Like Pretty Much Anything List slides Netflix Algorithm Suggests Viewer Who Enjoyed ‘Ozark’ Will Like Pretty Much Anything Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 22 List slides ‘You’ve Served Me Well, But This Has Gone Too Far,’ Says Oprah Loading Shotgun After Watching Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil Fox News Appearances List slides ‘You’ve Served Me Well, But This Has Gone Too Far,’ Says Oprah Loading Shotgun After Watching Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil Fox News Appearances Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 22 List slides ‘Hey,’ Says Chloë Sevigny In Cool, Unaffected Greeting To Firstborn List slides ‘Hey,’ Says Chloë Sevigny In Cool, Unaffected Greeting To Firstborn Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 22 List slides Drake Fans Accuse Kenny Chesney Of Manipulating Billboard Charts By Putting Effort Into Album List slides Drake Fans Accuse Kenny Chesney Of Manipulating Billboard Charts By Putting Effort Into Album Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 15 / 22 List slides Economist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together List slides Economist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 16 / 22 List slides Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-Star List slides Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-Star Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 17 / 22 List slides Kanye Forced To Sleep In Separate Hyperbaric Chamber After Kim Kicks Him Out Of Geodesic Dome List slides Kanye Forced To Sleep In Separate Hyperbaric Chamber After Kim Kicks Him Out Of Geodesic Dome Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 18 / 22 List slides Ellen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’ List slides Ellen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’ Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 19 / 22 List slides Fans Stunned After Adele Shares Photo Of Her Newly Molted Body List slides Fans Stunned After Adele Shares Photo Of Her Newly Molted Body Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 20 / 22 List slides Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids List slides Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of Sports

Our Annual Year: Best Of Sports

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Start Slideshow Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 22 List slides NCAA Determines Becoming A Bengal Punishment Enough For Joe Burrow Taking Cash From Odell Beckham List slides NCAA Determines Becoming A Bengal Punishment Enough For Joe Burrow Taking Cash From Odell Beckham Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 22 List slides Victorious Patrick Mahomes Thanks Bears For Drafting Mitchell Trubisky List slides Victorious Patrick Mahomes Thanks Bears For Drafting Mitchell Trubisky Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 22 List slides ‘She’s About My Age,’ Reports Mom Watching Halftime Show List slides ‘She’s About My Age,’ Reports Mom Watching Halftime Show Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 22 List slides FOX Adds Highlighted Line On Field Showing Women How Far Away They Should Stay From Tyreek Hill List slides FOX Adds Highlighted Line On Field Showing Women How Far Away They Should Stay From Tyreek Hill Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 22 List slides James Harden Pledges 10 Million Dollar Bills To Keep Nation’s Strip Clubs Afloat During Pandemic List slides James Harden Pledges 10 Million Dollar Bills To Keep Nation’s Strip Clubs Afloat During Pandemic Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 22 List slides Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing List slides Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 22 List slides Tom Brady Awakens From Week-Long Kombucha Bender To Discover He’s A Tampa Bay Buccaneer List slides Tom Brady Awakens From Week-Long Kombucha Bender To Discover He’s A Tampa Bay Buccaneer Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 22 List slides Charles Barkley: ‘Michael Jordan Would Have Been Nothing Special Had He Played In My Day’ List slides Charles Barkley: ‘Michael Jordan Would Have Been Nothing Special Had He Played In My Day’ Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 22 List slides ESPN Execs: ‘Fuck It, Air The Dogfighting’ List slides ESPN Execs: ‘Fuck It, Air The Dogfighting’ Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 22 List slides Staples Center Employee Realizes He Left Shot Clock Buzzer On This Whole Time List slides Staples Center Employee Realizes He Left Shot Clock Buzzer On This Whole Time Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 22 List slides Cam Newton Scrambling To Get Up To Speed After Patriots Send Him Playbook Of Every NFL Team List slides Cam Newton Scrambling To Get Up To Speed After Patriots Send Him Playbook Of Every NFL Team Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 22 List slides CDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time List slides CDC Guidelines Say It’s Safe To Play Tennis If That’s Honestly How You Want To Spend Your Free Time Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 22 List slides Jerry Jones Changes Team’s Name To Redskins Now That It’s Available List slides Jerry Jones Changes Team’s Name To Redskins Now That It’s Available Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 15 / 22 List slides Cubs Install Cardboard Cutouts Of Fans Pissing All Over Streets Outside Wrigley Field List slides Cubs Install Cardboard Cutouts Of Fans Pissing All Over Streets Outside Wrigley Field Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 16 / 22 List slides Closed Ballpark Forces Thousands Of Phillies Fans To Be Content Verbally Threatening Friends And Family List slides Closed Ballpark Forces Thousands Of Phillies Fans To Be Content Verbally Threatening Friends And Family Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 17 / 22 List slides Federal Troops Tear-Gas Yankees Off Field So Trump Can Throw Out First Pitch List slides Federal Troops Tear-Gas Yankees Off Field So Trump Can Throw Out First Pitch Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 18 / 22 List slides Jim Harbaugh Annoyed He Only Got $5.89 For Selling Back 2020 Playbook To University Bookstore List slides Jim Harbaugh Annoyed He Only Got $5.89 For Selling Back 2020 Playbook To University Bookstore Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 19 / 22 List slides Man Just Wants To Watch Basketball In Peace Without Being Forced To Recognize Players’ Humanity In Any Way List slides Man Just Wants To Watch Basketball In Peace Without Being Forced To Recognize Players’ Humanity In Any Way Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 20 / 22 List slides Female Yankee Fan Tired Of Having To Prove She Genuine Asshole List slides Female Yankee Fan Tired Of Having To Prove She Genuine Asshole Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of Onion Gamers Network

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Start Slideshow Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 22 List slides Shocking Lore: Nintendo Says Mario Always Talks About Being Italian Even Though He’s Only A Quarter And His Last Name Is Walsh List slides Shocking Lore: Nintendo Says Mario Always Talks About Being Italian Even Though He’s Only A Quarter And His Last Name Is Walsh Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 22 List slides Disappointing: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Received An M Rating Solely For A Scene Where Ellie Meets A Dog That Swears And Smokes Cigarettes List slides Disappointing: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Received An M Rating Solely For A Scene Where Ellie Meets A Dog That Swears And Smokes Cigarettes Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 22 List slides Amazing Detail: Every Game In ‘MLB The Show’ Will Feature A Frustrated Father Sitting In The Stands Next To His Husky Son Playing A Nintendo DS List slides Amazing Detail: Every Game In ‘MLB The Show’ Will Feature A Frustrated Father Sitting In The Stands Next To His Husky Son Playing A Nintendo DS Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 22 List slides Microsoft Confirms Xbox Series X Next-Gen Graphics Will Finally Allow Games That Are All Realistic Hair And Water List slides Microsoft Confirms Xbox Series X Next-Gen Graphics Will Finally Allow Games That Are All Realistic Hair And Water Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 22 List slides ‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Developers Confirm No One Can Hurt You Here, No One Can Make You Scared List slides ‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Developers Confirm No One Can Hurt You Here, No One Can Make You Scared Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 22 List slides Amazing Lore: ‘Doom Eternal’ Creators Confirm Every Demon You Fight In The Game Went To Hell For Masturbating As Teenagers List slides Amazing Lore: ‘Doom Eternal’ Creators Confirm Every Demon You Fight In The Game Went To Hell For Masturbating As Teenagers Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 22 List slides Deal Alert: The Federal Government Is Cutting You A $1,200 Stimulus Check That You Can, And Should, Spend Exclusively On 75 Copies Of ‘Stardew Valley’ List slides Deal Alert: The Federal Government Is Cutting You A $1,200 Stimulus Check That You Can, And Should, Spend Exclusively On 75 Copies Of ‘Stardew Valley’ Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 22 List slides Review: ‘Resident Evil 3’ Remaster Makes Game Even Scarier By Replacing The Nemesis With Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu List slides Review: ‘Resident Evil 3’ Remaster Makes Game Even Scarier By Replacing The Nemesis With Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 22 List slides Uh, Thanks?: Sony Has Announced That PlayStation Plus Subscribers Can Download The Movie ‘Spanglish’ For Free During The Month Of April List slides Uh, Thanks?: Sony Has Announced That PlayStation Plus Subscribers Can Download The Movie ‘Spanglish’ For Free During The Month Of April Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 22 List slides A Well-Deserved Break: This ER Nurse Just Finished A 15-Hour Shift And Is About To Get Destroyed In ‘Call Of Duty: Warzone’ List slides A Well-Deserved Break: This ER Nurse Just Finished A 15-Hour Shift And Is About To Get Destroyed In ‘Call Of Duty: Warzone’ Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 22 List slides Nobody Panic: Bulbasaur Found A Gun List slides Nobody Panic: Bulbasaur Found A Gun Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 22 List slides Speedrunner Accidentally Enjoys Game For A Moment List slides Speedrunner Accidentally Enjoys Game For A Moment Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 22 List slides The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch List slides The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 15 / 22 List slides Major Relief: Blizzard Has Announced That ‘Overwatch’ Players Will Be Able To Carry Over Their Unlocked Skins And Emotes Into The Afterlife List slides Major Relief: Blizzard Has Announced That ‘Overwatch’ Players Will Be Able To Carry Over Their Unlocked Skins And Emotes Into The Afterlife Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 16 / 22 List slides Brutal: Playstation Has Cancelled The Entire PS5 Game Lineup After @NicoBoy95 Commented ‘No One Cares’ On Their Livestream List slides Brutal: Playstation Has Cancelled The Entire PS5 Game Lineup After @NicoBoy95 Commented ‘No One Cares’ On Their Livestream Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 17 / 22 List slides Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark List slides Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 18 / 22 List slides Get Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To Set ‘Call Of Duty’ Games In List slides Get Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To Set ‘Call Of Duty’ Games In Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 19 / 22 List slides Bad News: Toad Died List slides Bad News: Toad Died Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 20 / 22 List slides Nostalgia Trip: ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater’ Developers Confirm Remake’s Only Change Will Be Every Character Knowing The Iraq War Happened List slides Nostalgia Trip: ‘Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater’ Developers Confirm Remake’s Only Change Will Be Every Character Knowing The Iraq War Happened Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Amazon Worker Emerges From Holiday Overtime Shift To Find 3,000 Years Have Passed In Outside World

PLAINFIELD , IN—Blinking repeatedly to ensure that what he was seeing outside was actually real , Amazon worker Tony Ureña emerged from his h oliday overtime shift Monday to find 3,000 years had passed in the outside world .
Ureña , a 30-year-old fulfillment associate , reportedly clocked out of his extended holiday hours , pushed open the Amazon warehouse doors , and immediately began wincing and coughing as his body adjusted to the toxic atmosphere of the future , with its piercing orange sky , scorching temperatures , and suffocating smog .
Sources confirmed a stunned Ureña stopped dead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a world filled with dilapidated , bombed-out buildings and plumes of toxic gas emerging from fissures dotted throughout the blighted hellscape .
“ Hello ?
Does anyone know what year it is ?
I ...
I think there might have been some kind of mistake on my Christmas shift , ” said an awe-struck Ureña , recoiling in fear as several Amazon-branded robotic guards , a cloaked man in a gas mask , and several teens on hover bikes zoomed by him , knocking him back .
“ Uh ...
I thought I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ picking up some extra hours at the fulfillment center .
But I guess ... something happened ?
” “ Hello ?
Hello ?
Is anyone there ?
” he added , swiping at the screen of his now non-functional cell phone , which showed thousands of missed calls and texts from friends and family .
“ Anybody ?
Please ?
Anybody ?
” According to witnesses at the Plainfield Amazon warehouse , Ureña had reportedly put his head down to work in the year 2020 for a mandatory 10- hour bonus shift , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ supervisors to eat , sleep , use the restroom , or communicate with his family , friends , or coworkers for the next three millennia .
Per his timecard , Ureña had worked for over 26 million hours straight , throughout 15 violent revolutions , several nuclear wars , and countless near-human extinctions .
Over that time , sources confirmed Ureña sustained multiple back , hand , and eye injuries , which were not covered by the company ’ s health insurance , as he was just a contractor for those 3,000 years @ @ @ @ @ @ @ started , I was just trying to do my job , but I guess none of that matters now , ” said Ureña , who told reporters that his former house had been reduced to rubble , gangs of futuristic rebel fighters had taken over his neighborhood , and a crater now subsumed most of the United States .
“ All I wanted to do was go home and see my kids , but now everyone I know and love is long dead.
” “ Why ?
” he added , dropping to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his wife and children , surrounded by countless deceased family members he never got to meet .
“ Why ?
” According to his supervisor at Amazon , however , Ureña reportedly did a less than satisfactory job during his extended hours , receiving three demerits for talking too much in the year 4021 , nodding off on the job in 4044 , and standing too close to a fellow employee in 5014 .
They also criticized Ureña for cutting his mandatory overtime shift short , saying he clocked out 7 minutes early @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Asking to remain anonymous , several other Amazon employees also reported emerging from overtime shifts in the future , including a Whole Foods employee who was locked in a store freezer , only to be thawed centuries years later ; as well as an Amazon delivery driver who fell asleep at the wheel , only to wake up in the year 7000 to his truck being thrashed by a large , tentacled monster .
“ Honestly , I keep opening and closing my eyes , and hoping I ’ ll wake up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , going through his locker and throwing out all of his dusty , disintegrated possessions from the day his holiday shift started .
“ I at least thought I was going to get a promotion , title change , or maybe even just a little overtime bonus for my 40 lifetimes of work .
Instead , they fired me for peeing in a bottle God knows how many thousands of years ago.
” At press time , Amazon guards reportedly gave Ureña $ 150 dollars for his time and stuffed him into a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into a large waste fire .

PLAINFIELD, IN—Blinking repeatedly to ensure that what he was seeing outside was actually real, Amazon worker Tony Ureña emerged from his h oliday overtime shift Monday to find 3,000 years had passed in the outside world.
Ureña, a 30-year-old fulfillment associate, reportedly clocked out of his extended holiday hours, pushed open the Amazon warehouse doors, and immediately began wincing and coughing as his body adjusted to the toxic atmosphere of the future, with its piercing orange sky, scorching temperatures, and suffocating smog. Sources confirmed a stunned Ureña stopped dead in his tracks and stared blankly at a world filled with dilapidated, bombed-out buildings and plumes of toxic gas emerging from fissures dotted throughout the blighted hellscape.
Advertisement
“Hello? Does anyone know what year it is? I...I think there might have been some kind of mistake on my Christmas shift,” said an awe-struck Ureña, recoiling in fear as several Amazon-branded robotic guards, a cloaked man in a gas mask, and several teens on hover bikes zoomed by him, knocking him back. “Uh...I thought I was just going to spend the night picking up some extra hours at the fulfillment center. But I guess...something happened?”
“Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?” he added, swiping at the screen of his now non-functional cell phone, which showed thousands of missed calls and texts from friends and family. “Anybody? Please? Anybody?”
Advertisement Advertisement
According to witnesses at the Plainfield Amazon warehouse, Ureña had reportedly put his head down to work in the year 2020 for a mandatory 10- hour bonus shift, and then was not permitted by his supervisors to eat, sleep, use the restroom, or communicate with his family, friends, or coworkers for the next three millennia. Per his timecard, Ureña had worked for over 26 million hours straight, throughout 15 violent revolutions, several nuclear wars, and countless near-human extinctions.
Over that time, sources confirmed Ureña sustained multiple back, hand, and eye injuries, which were not covered by the company’s health insurance, as he was just a contractor for those 3,000 years.
Advertisement
“Well, when this all started, I was just trying to do my job, but I guess none of that matters now,” said Ureña, who told reporters that his former house had been reduced to rubble, gangs of futuristic rebel fighters had taken over his neighborhood, and a crater now subsumed most of the United States. “All I wanted to do was go home and see my kids, but now everyone I know and love is long dead.”
“Why?” he added, dropping to his knees before the crumbling graves of his wife and children, surrounded by countless deceased family members he never got to meet. “Why?”
Advertisement
According to his supervisor at Amazon, however, Ureña reportedly did a less than satisfactory job during his extended hours, receiving three demerits for talking too much in the year 4021, nodding off on the job in 4044, and standing too close to a fellow employee in 5014. They also criticized Ureña for cutting his mandatory overtime shift short, saying he clocked out 7 minutes early and that his pay would be docked.
Asking to remain anonymous, several other Amazon employees also reported emerging from overtime shifts in the future, including a Whole Foods employee who was locked in a store freezer, only to be thawed centuries years later; as well as an Amazon delivery driver who fell asleep at the wheel, only to wake up in the year 7000 to his truck being thrashed by a large, tentacled monster.
Advertisement
“Honestly, I keep opening and closing my eyes, and hoping I’ll wake up from this dream,” said Ureña, going through his locker and throwing out all of his dusty, disintegrated possessions from the day his holiday shift started. “I at least thought I was going to get a promotion, title change, or maybe even just a little overtime bonus for my 40 lifetimes of work. Instead, they fired me for peeing in a bottle God knows how many thousands of years ago.”
At press time, Amazon guards reportedly gave Ureña $150 dollars for his time and stuffed him into a garbage chute, which dumped his body into a large waste fire.


theonion--2020-12-14--Nation Worried After Catholic Church Issues Really Vague Apology

Amid unclear pleas of “ Forgive us ” and “ God have mercy , ” hear why experts have been @ @ @ @ @ possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Amid unclear pleas of “Forgive us” and “God have mercy,” hear why experts have been left to speculate on what possible atrocity the Church could have committed this time.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-15--Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List

Nation’s Moms Demand Christmas List

Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear what mothers around the country are threatening to do if they do not receive a full and complete list this instant.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-15--First Batch Of Pfizer Coronavirus Vaccine Shipped Across Country

Trucks carrying 184,275 doses of the Pfizer-BioNTech coronavirus vaccine left a Michigan manufacturing plant on Sunday morning after the CDC @ @ @ @ @ use .
What do you think ?
“ It ’ s a hist oric week @ @ @ @ @ handling.
” “ And to think , the vaccine was in Michigan this whole time.
@ @ @ @ @ right before Christmas has got to be a nightmare .
”

Trucks carrying 184,275 doses of the Pfizer-BioNTech coronavirus vaccine left a Michigan manufacturing plant on Sunday morning after the CDC authorized the vaccine for widespread use. What do you think?
“It’s a hist oric week for fans of shipping and handling.” Dominic Perez, Golf Cart Salesperson
“And to think, the vaccine was in Michigan this whole time.” Alice Lew, Petty Cash Handler
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-15--Top 12 Rules For Our Man Cave That Were Too Laxly Enforced In 2020

Our man cave adheres to all international laws regarding the manufacture , distribution , and deployment of chemical weapons—no ifs @ @ @ @ @ .
You drop even a single vial of white phosphorus in the man cave , @ @ @ @ @ na ask you to leave .
Only this year , we were having such a @ @ @ @ @ s Free At Last party that things got out of hand , and Wally busted @ @ @ @ @ and we didn ’ t say anything since we didn ’ t want to crush @ @ @ @ @ then , mustard gas and bromobenzyl cyanide have become all too common among the man @ @ @ @ @ , and we don ’ t want anyone to get hurt , or have to @ @ @ @ @ in the Hague .
So in 2021 , we ’ re going back to our @ @ @ @ @ .

Our man cave adheres to all international laws regarding the manufacture, distribution, and deployment of chemical weapons—no ifs, ands, or buts. You drop even a single vial of white phosphorus in the man cave, and we’re gonna ask you to leave. Only this year, we were having such a good time at Brock’s Free At Last party that things got out of hand, and Wally busted out some sarin gas, and we didn’t say anything since we didn’t want to crush the mood. But since then, mustard gas and bromobenzyl cyanide have become all too common among the man cave’s regular guests, and we don’t want anyone to get hurt, or have to face the International Criminal Court in the Hague. So in 2021, we’re going back to our strict policy against chemical weapons.


theonion--2020-12-15--Barr Steps Down To Pursue True Passion Full-Time As The K-Street Strangler

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he could no longer balance the duties of both roles simultaneously , William Barr announced plans Tuesday to step down as attorney general to pursue his true passion full-time as the “ K-Street Strangler.
” “ Today , I would like to inform you that I will be departing my post on December 23rd in order to devote more time to following my true calling of lurking in the streets of D.C. , murdering unsuspecting pedestrians in cold blood , ” said Barr at a press conference , revealing that he ’ s been moonlighting as the infamous @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like to commit his full energy to the project .
“ As it stands , it has become very difficult to work a full day at the Justice Department and still have anything left in the tank to spend the evening preying on unsuspecting sex workers in impoverished minority neighborhoods .
I finally have a little nest egg , so I can do what I love and fully pursue my dream of creating notoriety for myself in the press by terrorizing D.C. residents.
” At press time , President Trump expressed that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but understood his colleague ’ s desire and wished him the best of luck in his endeavor .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that he could no longer balance the duties of both roles simultaneously, William Barr announced plans Tuesday to step down as attorney general to pursue his true passion full-time as the “K-Street Strangler.” “Today, I would like to inform you that I will be departing my post on December 23rd in order to devote more time to following my true calling of lurking in the streets of D.C., murdering unsuspecting pedestrians in cold blood,” said Barr at a press conference, revealing that he’s been moonlighting as the infamous serial killer since the 1980s and would like to commit his full energy to the project. “As it stands, it has become very difficult to work a full day at the Justice Department and still have anything left in the tank to spend the evening preying on unsuspecting sex workers in impoverished minority neighborhoods. I finally have a little nest egg, so I can do what I love and fully pursue my dream of creating notoriety for myself in the press by terrorizing D.C. residents.” At press time, President Trump expressed that he was sad to see Barr go, but understood his colleague’s desire and wished him the best of luck in his endeavor.


theonion--2020-12-15--CDC Announces Vince Neil Will Be First Member Of Mötley Crüe To Get Covid Vaccine

ATLANTA—After consulting with an interagency panel of top public health experts , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Tuesday that lead vocalist Vince Neil would be the first member of Mötley Crüe to receive a Covid-19 vaccine .
“ It ’ s important that we begin the inoculation of Mötley Crüe on the frontlines of the band , starting with those who have the highest level of audience interaction , ” said CDC director Robert Redfield , adding that as frontman , Neil qualified for essential worker status , with the band ’ s limited success during his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was vital to its popularity .
“ From there , we will work our way through all current and former members , taking into consideration various factors like comorbidities , age , and ability to be replaced by a journeyman session player .
Getting everyone in the Crüe immunized will take time , and we ask for the patience of valued members like Nikki Sixx , who based on our criteria will likely fall somewhere in the middle , despite his role as the band ’ s primary songwriter .
While there are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do know that because he is the youngest member of the group and can be socially distanced upon a massive drum riser , Tommy Lee may not see a vaccine until 2022—behind not only his own bandmates but also senior members of Ratt , Quiet Riot , and W.A.S.P.
” Redfield went on to say that it should be quick and easy for Neil to receive his injection , seeing as he has not worn a shirt with sleeves in the past several decades .

ATLANTA—After consulting with an interagency panel of top public health experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Tuesday that lead vocalist Vince Neil would be the first member of Mötley Crüe to receive a Covid-19 vaccine. “It’s important that we begin the inoculation of Mötley Crüe on the frontlines of the band, starting with those who have the highest level of audience interaction,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, adding that as frontman, Neil qualified for essential worker status, with the band’s limited success during his 1992–1996 hiatus from the group proving he was vital to its popularity. “From there, we will work our way through all current and former members, taking into consideration various factors like comorbidities, age, and ability to be replaced by a journeyman session player. Getting everyone in the Crüe immunized will take time, and we ask for the patience of valued members like Nikki Sixx, who based on our criteria will likely fall somewhere in the middle, despite his role as the band’s primary songwriter. While there are clearly many variables at work, we do know that because he is the youngest member of the group and can be socially distanced upon a massive drum riser, Tommy Lee may not see a vaccine until 2022—behind not only his own bandmates but also senior members of Ratt, Quiet Riot, and W.A.S.P.” Redfield went on to say that it should be quick and easy for Neil to receive his injection, seeing as he has not worn a shirt with sleeves in the past several decades.


theonion--2020-12-15--PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualS

PS5 Alert: We’ve Heard Tales Of A City Beyond The Sands Where Streets Are Paved With PS5s, And DualSense Controllers Grow On The Trees Like Leaves

Auspicious tidings have come our way , OGN readers .
Though plague and console shortages mark these lands , we have heard tale of a forgotten city beyond the endless sands , a city where the cobbled streets are paved with PS5s , where games burst forth from the fountains in waves like water , and DualSense controllers hang from the crooked trees like so many leaves .
Join us , you downcast and beaten followers of OGN , on a journey to an eldritch land of unspeakable gaming fortune .
Though our misbegotten realm ’ s console supply has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there was a lice-ridden dotard—near insane with syphilis and drink—who whispered of an eldritch citadel far beyond the idle wastelands where each brick composed of PS5 standard and digital editions .
There , mute and dumb faces peek from windows wearing strings of DualSense controllers around their necks as if they were mere trinkets .
One can simply dip a wicker basket in the river and emerge with hundreds of copies of Marvel ’ s Spider-Man : Miles Morales .
Or so the lunatic fool told us , at least .
At first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ravings of starved and deranged minds , but we could not help but dream .
What if it is real , gamers ?
What if ?
Over the mountains that burn in the land of eternal sun , and through the deepest canyons where man-eating chimeras prowl every turn , that is where we will find spires ascending to the sky built of nothing but AMD graphics cards , solid-state hard drives , and 8-core processors .
The house of every peasant bedecked with painted consoles , filled with overflowing chests of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the drunkard—an outdoorsman and scout by training—who came to us with a tattered PS5 power cord claims to have seen this Xanadu .
He says that PS5s are so common that they are used as ballast on rough-hewn fishing junks , and the shoeless children of the poor entertain this bizarre realm ’ s royalty by kicking them around like balls .
He also claims his expedition faltered when his partners went mad with greed and drowned trying to carry hundreds of the Sony consoles across the raging river that marks the boundary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the locals reclaimed their bodies .
This scout is the gentleman who shall lead us to the boundary of this land , gamers , although he swears he will go no farther .
And you—if you also seek the bounty of immersive graphics and haptic feedback that lies hidden just beyond our reach—he will lead you , too .
We have 200 camels and horses , gamers , laden with waterskins , salted mutton , and fully charged Nintendo Switches .
We have firearms and native guides who have promised to show us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ easy .
Many of us will likely perish , if not of hunger or heat stroke than of some unknown exotic disease , or in the teeth of a fierce beast for which words and drawings can not prepare us .
But we will not be deterred by the failures of past parties .
Gaming glory awaits us .
We will return with more PS5s than the world has ever seen and go down emblazoned in the annals of all recorded time .
Will you join our company to seek this strange and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with us , gamers ?

Auspicious tidings have come our way, OGN readers. Though plague and console shortages mark these lands, we have heard tale of a forgotten city beyond the endless sands, a city where the cobbled streets are paved with PS5s, where games burst forth from the fountains in waves like water, and DualSense controllers hang from the crooked trees like so many leaves.
Join us, you downcast and beaten followers of OGN, on a journey to an eldritch land of unspeakable gaming fortune.
Advertisement
Though our misbegotten realm’s console supply has grown fallow in these merciless days, there was a lice-ridden dotard—near insane with syphilis and drink—who whispered of an eldritch citadel far beyond the idle wastelands where each brick composed of PS5 standard and digital editions. There, mute and dumb faces peek from windows wearing strings of DualSense controllers around their necks as if they were mere trinkets. One can simply dip a wicker basket in the river and emerge with hundreds of copies of Marvel’s Spider-Man: Miles Morales. Or so the lunatic fool told us, at least. At first, we cast off these tales as the ravings of starved and deranged minds, but we could not help but dream. What if it is real, gamers? What if?
Over the mountains that burn in the land of eternal sun, and through the deepest canyons where man-eating chimeras prowl every turn, that is where we will find spires ascending to the sky built of nothing but AMD graphics cards, solid-state hard drives, and 8-core processors. The house of every peasant bedecked with painted consoles, filled with overflowing chests of every next-gen game. A friend of the drunkard—an outdoorsman and scout by training—who came to us with a tattered PS5 power cord claims to have seen this Xanadu. He says that PS5s are so common that they are used as ballast on rough-hewn fishing junks, and the shoeless children of the poor entertain this bizarre realm’s royalty by kicking them around like balls. He also claims his expedition faltered when his partners went mad with greed and drowned trying to carry hundreds of the Sony consoles across the raging river that marks the boundary of this ancient land. He says the locals reclaimed their bodies.
Advertisement Advertisement
This scout is the gentleman who shall lead us to the boundary of this land, gamers, although he swears he will go no farther. And you—if you also seek the bounty of immersive graphics and haptic feedback that lies hidden just beyond our reach—he will lead you, too.
We have 200 camels and horses, gamers, laden with waterskins, salted mutton, and fully charged Nintendo Switches. We have firearms and native guides who have promised to show us the way. It will not be easy. Many of us will likely perish, if not of hunger or heat stroke than of some unknown exotic disease, or in the teeth of a fierce beast for which words and drawings cannot prepare us. But we will not be deterred by the failures of past parties. Gaming glory awaits us. We will return with more PS5s than the world has ever seen and go down emblazoned in the annals of all recorded time. Will you join our company to seek this strange and unknown land? Will you make history with us, gamers?


theonion--2020-12-15--‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Developers Offer Refund For Glitchy Game

CD Projekt Red , the company behind Cyberpunk 2077 , apologized this week for glitches and the game ’ s @ @ @ @ @ , saying they will offer a refund to players who were disappointed .
What do @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s one thing I know about gamers , it ’ s their ability @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I ’ ve been eagerly anticipating being disappointed by this game all year @ @

CD Projekt Red, the company behind Cyberpunk 2077, apologized this week for glitches and the game’s poor graphics on older platforms, saying they will offer a refund to players who were disappointed. What do you think?
“If there’s one thing I know about gamers, it’s their ability to forgive and move on.” Alison Lynch, Pool Shark
“I’ve been eagerly anticipating being disappointed by this game all year.” Dan Easton, Unemployed
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-15--PornHub To Delete All Content It Can’t Verify Is Really Between Stepson And Stepmother

MONTREAL—In an effort to add strict safeguards to the content shared to its platform , adult video giant PornHub announced @ @ @ @ @ millions of uploads that it was unable to verify were really between a stepson and @ @ @ @ @ site has taken this unprecedented step in an effort to provide our users with the @ @ @ @ @ ’ re watching is bonafide stepson-on-stepmom incest action , ” said CEO Feras Antoon , @ @ @ @ @ longer accept any user submissions that didn ’ t also include a marriage certificate to @ @ @ @ @ is as genuinely titillating as possible .
“ These new strictures will allow users to @ @ @ @ @ masturbating by big-titted MILFs without having to question the video ’ s validity or origin.
@ @ @ @ @ to permanently ban all cucking videos where it ’ s really obvious that the husband @ @ @ @ @ his wife fucking someone else with his peripheral vision .

MONTREAL—In an effort to add strict safeguards to the content shared to its platform, adult video giant PornHub announced Tuesday it would be deleting millions of uploads that it was unable to verify were really between a stepson and a stepmother. “Our site has taken this unprecedented step in an effort to provide our users with the assurance that any media they’re watching is bonafide stepson-on-stepmom incest action,” said CEO Feras Antoon, telling reporters they would no longer accept any user submissions that didn’t also include a marriage certificate to ensure the taboo familial connection is as genuinely titillating as possible. “These new strictures will allow users to enjoy viewing shy stepsons caught masturbating by big-titted MILFs without having to question the video’s validity or origin.” PornHub also announced plans to permanently ban all cucking videos where it’s really obvious that the husband would be able to see his wife fucking someone else with his peripheral vision.


theonion--2020-12-16--CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Go

CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It

Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what @ @ @ @ @ can do ?
Go cry to their mommies ?
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why your place in line for a vaccine will definitely be before any of those little peabrains because what’s the worst they can do? Go cry to their mommies?
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-16--Baker Mayfield’s Commercial Agent Furious He Continues to Risk Everything By Playing Football

CLEVELAND—Chastising his biggest client ’ s immaturity and lack of concern for professional obligations , Baker Mayfield ’ s commercial @ @ @ @ @ Wednesday that he is furious that the quarterback continues to risk his career by playing @ @ @ @ @ s got millions of dollars on the line , and yet he continues to ignore @ @ @ @ @ his job and spend all his free time playing football , ” said Hayes , @ @ @ @ @ he continues to risk his body and mind playing football for fun , he may @ @ @ @ @ soundstage ever again .
“ He ’ s going to need his brain to memorize @ @ @ @ @ Progressive filming one day after spending all Sunday playing football and could barely remember any @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a distraction , too .
If he was really focused on this , @ @ @ @ @ Pepsi or Ford.
” Hayes added that the talent agency was thinking about adding something @ @ @ @ @ contract to ban him from engaging in extracurricular football activities .

CLEVELAND—Chastising his biggest client’s immaturity and lack of concern for professional obligations, Baker Mayfield’s commercial agent Patrick Hayes told sources Wednesday that he is furious that the quarterback continues to risk his career by playing football. “He’s got millions of dollars on the line, and yet he continues to ignore the risk it poses to his job and spend all his free time playing football,” said Hayes, who warned Mayfield that if he continues to risk his body and mind playing football for fun, he may never set foot on a soundstage ever again. “He’s going to need his brain to memorize scripts. He came into Progressive filming one day after spending all Sunday playing football and could barely remember any of his lines. It’s a distraction, too. If he was really focused on this, we could have him doing Pepsi or Ford.” Hayes added that the talent agency was thinking about adding something in Mayfield’s next contract to ban him from engaging in extracurricular football activities.


theonion--2020-12-16--‘Shrek,’ ‘Dark Knight’ Added To National Film Registry

The Library of Congress has selected Shrek and The Dark Knight along with 23 other movies of historical or cultural @ @ @ @ @ the National Film Registry this year .
What do you think ?
“ Now I @ @ @ @ @ choose between watching Shrek or visiting the Library of Congress.
” “ I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ films like these.
” “ I got added to a government registry this year , @ @ @

The Library of Congress has selected Shrek and The Dark Knight along with 23 other movies of historical or cultural significance to be added to the National Film Registry this year. What do you think?
“Now I don’t have to choose between watching Shrek or visiting the Library of Congress.” Ernie Walsh • Meat Grader
“I’m not really into obscure art films like these.” Norman Moon • Yoga Mat Wiper
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-16--Bingo Much Less Competitive Lately

Bingo Much Less Competitive Lately

BENTON HARBOR , MI—Admitting with a sigh that it wasn ’ t nearly as fun to play the game against so few people , 86-year-old nursing home resident Delores Lee told reporters Wednesday that bingo had been a lot less competitive lately .
“ There ’ s just me and three other players left at this point , so you know ahead of time you ’ re bound to win a game or two , ” said Lee , adding that before the pandemic devastated the assisted-living facility , there were dozens of big competitors who played multiple cards simultaneously @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mark off the numbers .
“ Not a lot of suspense to it these days .
I don ’ t even bother setting up my lucky Troll dolls anymore , considering Artie ’ s basically too deaf to hear the calls and Gloria ’ s arthritis makes her slow with a marker .
Now when I win a prize , I just throw the teddy bear or whatever it is in a pile with all the rest.
” Lee later wondered aloud whether her grandchildren would still be young enough to enjoy playing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ saw them .

BENTON HARBOR, MI—Admitting with a sigh that it wasn’t nearly as fun to play the game against so few people, 86-year-old nursing home resident Delores Lee told reporters Wednesday that bingo had been a lot less competitive lately. “There’s just me and three other players left at this point, so you know ahead of time you’re bound to win a game or two,” said Lee, adding that before the pandemic devastated the assisted-living facility, there were dozens of big competitors who played multiple cards simultaneously and brought their own personal daubers to mark off the numbers. “Not a lot of suspense to it these days. I don’t even bother setting up my lucky Troll dolls anymore, considering Artie’s basically too deaf to hear the calls and Gloria’s arthritis makes her slow with a marker. Now when I win a prize, I just throw the teddy bear or whatever it is in a pile with all the rest.” Lee later wondered aloud whether her grandchildren would still be young enough to enjoy playing with stuffed animals the next time she saw them .


theonion--2020-12-16--Largest Snowstorm Of Year To Hit Northeast This Week

Millions of Americans are under winter weather alerts as the biggest snowstorm of 2020 is set to hit the east @ @ @ @ @ in from Oklahoma and stretching from Georgia to New England .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ , can Americans not be under siege by something ?
” “ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ ’ m glad I had the foresight to invest in an ice scraper.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ dangerous snowstorms if the media stopped glamorizing the most destructive ones .
”

Millions of Americans are under winter weather alerts as the biggest snowstorm of 2020 is set to hit the east coast on Wednesday, rolling in from Oklahoma and stretching from Georgia to New England. What do you think?
“Just for once, can Americans not be under siege by something?” Vanessa Coulon, Forensic Janitor
“It’s times like these that I’m glad I had the foresight to invest in an ice scraper.” Steven Bauserman, Systems Analyst
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-17--The Biggest Hints Our Sweetheart Dropped In 2020 That She’s A Selkie, The Woman-Seal Hybrid From Cel

The Biggest Hints Our Sweetheart Dropped In 2020 That She’s A Selkie, The Woman-Seal Hybrid From Celtic Folklore

This one time , we ran into her ex , Tyler , at an aquarium .
He was a southern @ @ @ @ @ Islands .
He mentioned a trip they took to the subantarctic together , which I @ @ @ @ @ that ’ s where guys like him go to breed , but she said it @ @ @ @ @ .
They just swam down there from Argentina to visit his parents .

This one time, we ran into her ex, Tyler, at an aquarium. He was a southern elephant seal from the Falkland Islands. He mentioned a trip they took to the subantarctic together, which I thought was super inappropriate since that’s where guys like him go to breed, but she said it wasn’t like that. They just swam down there from Argentina to visit his parents.


theonion--2020-12-17--Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Home

Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame

Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your @ @ @ @ @ an ex-lover from your youth .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

Hear why going back to a romanticized version of your past could put you at increased risk of having your heart broken yet again by an ex-lover from your youth.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-17--Man Wins $800,000 Playing Same Numbers On 160 Lotto Tickets

A man in Virginia won $ 800,000 in the state ’ s Lottery Pick 4 game after he purchased 160 @ @ @ @ @ numbers , with each individual ticket earning him the top prize of $ 5,000 .
@ @ @ @ @ “ I hope this doesn ’ t convince people that it ’ s a smart @ @ @ @ @ ” “ It ’ s always so heartwarming when someone ’ s addiction is validated @ @ @ @ @ , but the odds that you ’ re that specific guy are , like , @ @ @ @ @ ”

A man in Virginia won $800,000 in the state’s Lottery Pick 4 game after he purchased 160 tickets all with the same numbers, with each individual ticket earning him the top prize of $5,000. What do you think?
“I hope this doesn’t convince people that it’s a smart idea to live in Virginia.” David Razatos • Organ Grinder
“It’s always so heartwarming when someone’s addiction is validated like this.” Spike Fickert • Bread Critic
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-17--Disaster: Next-Gen Loading Screens Are Going Too Fast For Gamers To Read Tips And Tricks And Now Eve

Disaster: Next-Gen Loading Screens Are Going Too Fast For Gamers To Read Tips And Tricks And Now Everyone Is Forgetting How To Play Video Games

When we first got our hands on the next generation of consoles , one of the most thrilling prospects was the near-instant load times .
Gone would be the persistent frustration of dying in a boss fight or while entering a new zone and having to wait three minutes to jump back into the fray .
Little did we know , this power comes with a dark lining .
Reports out today suggest that Xbox Series X and PS5 loading screens are going too fast for gamers to read the tips and tricks displayed in the corner of the screen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to play video games .
Pandora ’ s box has been unleashed with these lightning fast loading times , and as a result , outright chaos has been loosed about the video game world .
“ I was trying to play Demon ’ s Souls , and before I even got a chance to read a tip on how to dodge roll , I was thrown into this area called The Nexus and had absolutely no idea what to move or interact with anything , ” said Kyle Stanfield , 32 , one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their controller down in confusion after having mere moments to grasp the game ’ s combat and healing suggestions .
“ I thought there ’ d been a mistake , so I reloaded it hoping to have a few minutes to learn about the lore of the Regeneration Ring or how to spend my Souls to upgrade a weapon .
But then I was just right back into the game again and had no idea what to do.
” Everywhere across the globe , gamers are reportedly reacting with confusion , anger , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ access to loading screens giving them “ tips on class customization ” or “ how to invert shooting controls in the option screen.
” Sources have confirmed that many have forgotten how their joystick worked , while others reacted by simply setting their controller down , stood up , and walked directly into their television .
Some have even forgotten the entire concept of video games , tearfully begging friends and family members to explain how they—a being of flesh and blood—could possibly interact with a digital character on a television screen .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a few minutes to read an introduction to a new enemy type or enchanted blade is utterly essential to knowing how to play a video game without going insane .
But for the huge swath of gamers who have smashed their DualSense out of fear after it started shaking because they missed the explanation that “ controller rumbles will tip you off to in-game secrets , ” it may already be too late .
In the rush to make our gaming experiences more seamless , we accidentally removed one of the pillars holding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , readers , and we do not know how to shore it up .
That ’ s why we ’ re begging next-gen developers everywhere : Please , throttle your loading times .
The future of video games may depend upon it .

When we first got our hands on the next generation of consoles, one of the most thrilling prospects was the near-instant load times. Gone would be the persistent frustration of dying in a boss fight or while entering a new zone and having to wait three minutes to jump back into the fray. Little did we know, this power comes with a dark lining. Reports out today suggest that Xbox Series X and PS5 loading screens are going too fast for gamers to read the tips and tricks displayed in the corner of the screen, and everyone has now forgotten how to play video games.
Pandora’s box has been unleashed with these lightning fast loading times, and as a result, outright chaos has been loosed about the video game world.
Advertisement
“I was trying to play Demon’s Souls, and before I even got a chance to read a tip on how to dodge roll, I was thrown into this area called The Nexus and had absolutely no idea how to move or interact with anything,” said Kyle Stanfield, 32, one of millions of gamers worldwide who set their controller down in confusion after having mere moments to grasp the game’s combat and healing suggestions. “I thought there’d been a mistake, so I reloaded it hoping to have a few minutes to learn about the lore of the Regeneration Ring or how to spend my Souls to upgrade a weapon. But then I was just right back into the game again and had no idea what to do.”
“That’s when I started screaming,” said Stanfield.
Everywhere across the globe, gamers are reportedly reacting with confusion, anger, and outright horror to their lack of access to loading screens giving them tips on class customization or how to invert shooting controls in the option screen. Sources have confirmed that many have forgotten how their joystick worked, while others reacted by simply setting their controller down, standing up, and walking directly into their television. Some have even forgotten the entire concept of video games, tearfully begging friends and family members to explain how they—a being of flesh and blood—could possibly interact with a digital character on a television screen.
Advertisement Advertisement
What we now know is that having a few minutes to read an introduction to a new enemy type or enchanted blade is utterly essential to knowing how to play a video game without going insane. But for the huge swath of gamers who have smashed their DualSense out of fear after it started shaking because they missed the explanation that “controller rumbles will tip you off to in-game secrets,” it may already be too late.
In the rush to make our gaming experiences more seamless, we accidentally removed one of the pillars holding up gaming. The edifice is crumbling, readers, and we do not know how to shore it up. That’s why we’re begging next-gen developers everywhere: Please, throttle your loading times. The future of video games may depend upon it.


theonion--2020-12-17--Desperate AMC Touts Theaters As Nice Dark Places For Teens To Rub Each Other’s Genitals

LEAWOOD , KS—In an attempt to boost ticket sales by reminding young patrons of the unique benefits offered by cinema , the increasingly desperate movie chain AMC Theaters rolled out a new marketing campaign Thursday that touted its venues as nice dark places for teens to rub each other ’ s genitals .
“ Our top-of-the-line multiplexes offer teenage moviegoers the unparalleled , multisensory experience of grinding on one another in a dark and unsupervised place where the latest box-office hits are always playing , ” said marketing executive Amanda Crenshaw , adding that all AMC theaters had been outfitted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adolescent viewers could enjoy erogenous-zone stimulation over or under their clothes .
“ Even the most high-end home setups still require you to hide any mutual fondling under a blanket in case a parent walks in , but at AMC you can relax beneath a 50-foot screen while sticking your hands down your partner ’ s pants or dry humping in one of our dimly lit back corners .
Plus , our state-of-the-art Dolby Atmos sound system ensures that no matter where you sit , you can breathe and moan heavily into your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being overheard by the people in front of you .
Nothing quite compares to a night at the movies , whether you reach climax or just wind up going home with chafed , aching genitals.
” Crenshaw went on to add that teenage patrons who were not currently hooking up with anyone might still enjoy doing a bunch of edibles , getting extremely high , and having a public panic attack during an eardrum-blasting action sequence .

LEAWOOD, KS—In an attempt to boost ticket sales by reminding young patrons of the unique benefits offered by cinema, the increasingly desperate movie chain AMC Theaters rolled out a new marketing campaign Thursday that touted its venues as nice dark places for teens to rub each other’s genitals. “Our top-of-the-line multiplexes offer teenage moviegoers the unparalleled, multisensory experience of grinding on one another in a dark and unsupervised place where the latest box-office hits are always playing,” said marketing executive Amanda Crenshaw, adding that all AMC theaters had been outfitted with comfortable, reclining seats in which adolescent viewers could enjoy erogenous-zone stimulation over or under their clothes. “Even the most high-end home setups still require you to hide any mutual fondling under a blanket in case a parent walks in, but at AMC you can relax beneath a 50-foot screen while sticking your hands down your partner’s pants or dry humping in one of our dimly lit back corners. Plus, our state-of-the-art Dolby Atmos sound system ensures that no matter where you sit, you can breathe and moan heavily into your girl- or boyfriend’s ear without being overheard by the people in front of you. Nothing quite compares to a night at the movies, whether you reach climax or just wind up going home with chafed, aching genitals.” Crenshaw went on to add that teenage patrons who were not currently hooking up with anyone might still enjoy doing a bunch of edibles, getting extremely high, and having a public panic attack during an eardrum-blasting action sequence.


theonion--2020-12-17--Remote-Learning Student Praying It Snows Enough To Bring Down Internet Lines To Cancel School

WICHITA , KS—Holding out hope that a severe blizzard would come through her town and wipe out all local online infrastructure , remote-learning student Olivia Antonis was reportedly praying Thursday that it snows enough to bring down internet lines and cancel school .
“ Please God , give us a complete whiteout that screws up Wi-Fi speeds so we can ’ t have class , ” said fourth-grader , clasping her hands together and petitioning the Lord Almighty to dump at least 10 feet of powder and send 35 mile-per-hour winds that knock down fiber- optic cable lines so she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at 7:00 a.m. to log into a Zoom meeting .
“ I ’ m begging you , grant us a deluge that wipes out mobile data , too , so we aren ’ t able to find a workaround .
And please give us dangerous enough weather conditions so the Comcast guys aren ’ t able to fix it for multiple days.
” At press time , Antonis suddenly stopped praying for this outcome after realizing it meant she wouldn ’ t be able to watch TV streaming services or play video games @ @ @ @

WICHITA, KS—Holding out hope that a severe blizzard would come through her town and wipe out all local online infrastructure, remote-learning student Olivia Antonis was reportedly praying Thursday that it snows enough to bring down internet lines and cancel school. “Please God, give us a complete whiteout that screws up Wi-Fi speeds so we can’t have class,” said fourth-grader , clasping her hands together and petitioning the Lord Almighty to dump at least 10 feet of powder and send 35 mile-per-hour winds that knock down fiber- optic cable lines so she didn’t have to wake up at 7:00 a.m. to log into a Zoom meeting. “I’m begging you, grant us a deluge that wipes out mobile data, too, so we aren’t able to find a workaround. And please give us dangerous enough weather conditions so the Comcast guys aren’t able to fix it for multiple days.” At press time, Antonis suddenly stopped praying for this outcome after realizing it meant she wouldn’t be able to watch TV streaming services or play video games online with friends.


theonion--2020-12-17--MacKenzie Scott Donates $4.1 Billion To Charity

Philanthropist MacKenzie Scott , former wife of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos , says that over the last four months she @ @ @ @ @ 384 organizations across the country and that she expects to donate more in the coming @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Doesn ’ t she realize donating to charity has like a zero @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Ugh , imagine being that rich and having it be ruined by your @ @ @

Philanthropist MacKenzie Scott, former wife of Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, says that over the last four months she has donated $4,158,500,000 to 384 organizations across the country and that she expects to donate more in the coming year. What do you think?
“Doesn’t she realize donating to charity has like a zero percent return on investment?” Dot Leonetti, Solitaire Champ
“No good deed goes unpublicized.” Albert Durant, Egg-Based Artist
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-18--The Onion’s Holiday TV Guide: Movies And Shows To Watch This Season

Holiday programming is in full swing as networks fill the airwaves with shows to get viewers in the festive spirit @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s A Wonderful Life and How The Grinch Stole Christmas to made-for-TV movies @ @ @ @ @ Here ’ s The Onion ’ s guide to what to watch this holiday season @

Holiday programming is in full swing as networks fill the airwaves with shows to get viewers in the festive spirit, from classic films like It’s A Wonderful Life and How The Grinch Stole Christmas to made-for-TV movies and other holiday specials. Here’s The Onion’s guide to what to watch this holiday season.


theonion--2020-12-18--Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Mak

Hottest Toys For the Holiday Season That Your Daughter’s New Stepfather Will Probably Get Her To Make You Look Bad

Plus , what to get for your one cousin this year who ’ s obsessed with militias .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Plus, what to get for your one cousin this year who’s obsessed with militias.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-18--Major League Baseball Adds Negro Leagues To Official Record

The MLB has reclassified the seven Negro Leagues that operated from 1920-1948 as major leagues and will add the stats @ @ @ @ @ to the organization ’ s official statistics , which will likely result in new record-holders @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ There ’ s no greater honor than having your accomplishments acknowledged long after @ @ @ @ @ where will the MLB find people willing to pore over thousands of tedious baseball statistics @ @

The MLB has reclassified the seven Negro Leagues that operated from 1920-1948 as major leagues and will add the stats of 3,400 Negro Leagues players to the organization’s official statistics, which will likely result in new record-holders. What do you think?
“This is a wonderful day for people who love asterisks.” Elaine Duthie • Ink Well Filler
“There’s no greater honor than having your accomplishments acknowledged long after your death.” Andy Stone • Bandaid Applicator
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-18--‘Bring Me Some Holiday Cheer, You Son Of A Bitch’ Says Woman Slamming Christmas Tree Up Against Wall

BRATTLEBORO , VT—In a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season , local woman Miranda Krall was @ @ @ @ @ tree bring her some holiday cheer Friday while slamming it against a wall .
“ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re holding out on me—you ’ ve got to have some Yuletide warmth @ @ @ @ @ , ” said a furious Krall , grabbing the decorated conifer by the trunk and @ @ @ @ @ effort to force the tree to dislodge a few crumbs of goodwill towards all .
@ @ @ @ @ if I ’ m not consumed by feelings of joy to the world and kinship @ @ @ @ @ 15 minutes , I ’ ll strangle you with your own string of lights , @ @ @ @ @ press time , Krall was warning the tree what happened to those who got in @ @ @ @ @ cheer by tearing apart a wreath .

BRATTLEBORO, VT—In a desperate effort to get into the spirit of the season, local woman Miranda Krall was reportedly demanding that a Christmas tree bring her some holiday cheer Friday while slamming it against a wall. “Come on, I know you’re holding out on me—you’ve got to have some Yuletide warmth in there somewhere, goddammit,” said a furious Krall, grabbing the decorated conifer by the trunk and shaking it violently in an effort to force the tree to dislodge a few crumbs of goodwill towards all. “I swear to God if I’m not consumed by feelings of joy to the world and kinship of mankind in the next 15 minutes, I’ll strangle you with your own string of lights, you sick fuck.” At press time, Krall was warning the tree what happened to those who got in the way of her Christmas cheer by tearing apart a wreath.


theonion--2020-12-18--Recently Discovered Orchid Named Ugliest In The World

The Gastrodia agnicellus , a newly identified plant with no leaves and brown flowers that resemble decaying flesh , has @ @ @ @ @ orchid in the world ” by researchers at the Royal Botanic Gardens , Kew .
@ @ @ @ @ “ These scientists are right—there ’ s no way I ’ d fuck that plant @ @

The Gastrodia agnicellus, a newly identified plant with no leaves and brown flowers that resemble decaying flesh, has been named the “ugliest orchid in the world” by researchers at the Royal Botanic Gardens, Kew. What do you think?
“These scientists are right—there’s no way I’d fuck that plant.” Julius Evans, Soup Reheater
“Coelogyne pandurata must be so relieved.” Martin Smirnova, Systems Analyst
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-21--Humane Trap-And-Removal Program Sedates Tenants So They Unconscious During Eviction

ORLANDO , FL—Aiming to make the process of forcible displacement easier for all involved , a new humane trap-and-removal program being piloted by the Orange County Sheriff ’ s Office sedates apartment tenants so they are unconscious during an eviction , sources confirmed Friday .
“ Residents often become frightened and act in unpredictable ways when we throw them out of their homes , but the whole thing goes pretty smoothly if we just knock them out first , ” said Sheriff Dale Katsakis , who d escribed showing up at someone ’ s door and shooting them with a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that allowed for people and possessions to be carted off without putting renters or his deputies in harm ’ s way .
“ If it ’ s a family , we usually do the mother first , because then it ’ s a whole lot easier to do the kids .
Before they know it , they wake up in an alley with their stuff in a big pile and the whole thing is over , just like that.
” Katsakis added that his department had also started transporting the sedated tenants far @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they didn ’ t simply go right back to the place they had been evicted from .

ORLANDO, FL—Aiming to make the process of forcible displacement easier for all involved, a new humane trap-and-removal program being piloted by the Orange County Sheriff’s Office sedates apartment tenants so they are unconscious during an eviction, sources confirmed Friday. “Residents often become frightened and act in unpredictable ways when we throw them out of their homes, but the whole thing goes pretty smoothly if we just knock them out first,” said Sheriff Dale Katsakis, who d escribed showing up at someone’s door and shooting them with a tranquilizer dart as a more compassionate approach that allowed for people and possessions to be carted off without putting renters or his deputies in harm’s way. “If it’s a family, we usually do the mother first, because then it’s a whole lot easier to do the kids. Before they know it, they wake up in an alley with their stuff in a big pile and the whole thing is over, just like that.” Katsakis added that his department had also started transporting the sedated tenants far away from their former homes to ensure they didn’t simply go right back to the place they had been evicted from.


theonion--2020-12-21--Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day

Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule , and why it @ @ @ @ @ over Vatican City .
Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators .
Support and @ @ @ @ @ Read more You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

Hear how this new productivity trend is helping Pope Francis get through his grueling advent schedule, and why it may be catching on all over Vatican City.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


State-By-State Covid-19 Restrictions

The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how the coronavirus response is being mismanaged , botched , and fucked up at @ @ @

The Onion provides in-depth coverage of how the coronavirus response is being mismanaged, botched, and fucked up at the state-level.


theonion--2020-12-21--Study: Christmas Still Most Unoriginal Day To Commit Suicide

NEW YORK—Describing the choice of the holiday as a trite and uninspired decision , researchers at Columbia University released a study Monday reiterating that Christmas is still the most unoriginal day to commit suicide .
“ Simply put , choosing to off yourself on Christmas Day continues to represent a massive failure of imagination in 2020 , as it has for decades now , ” said lead researcher Colin Bostworth , who added that concluding life was no longer worth living was no excuse for leaving friends and coworker with such a “ dull and , frankly , cliché ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Christmas just lacks a certain surprising zest , unlike , say , doing it on St. Patrick ’ s Day or Mardi Gras .
We found that most family members will simply roll their eyes , sigh in exasperation , and say ‘ S eriously ?
Christmas ?
’ in response to such an insipid method of death .
For Christ ’ s sake , it happens in It ’ s A Wonderful Life .
What are you going to do ?
Throw yourself off a bridge , too ?
Get some new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Valentine ’ s Day , however , remained by far the most romantic moment for a murder-suicide .

NEW YORK—Describing the choice of the holiday as a trite and uninspired decision, researchers at Columbia University released a study Monday reiterating that Christmas is still the most unoriginal day to commit suicide. “Simply put, choosing to off yourself on Christmas Day continues to represent a massive failure of imagination in 2020, as it has for decades now,” said lead researcher Colin Bostworth, who added that concluding life was no longer worth living was no excuse for leaving friends and coworker with such a “dull and, frankly, cliché” final memory of their beloved. “Christmas just lacks a certain surprising zest, unlike, say, doing it on St. Patrick’s Day or Mardi Gras. We found that most family members will simply roll their eyes, sigh in exasperation, and say ‘S eriously? Christmas?’ in response to such an insipid method of death. For Christ’s sake, it happens in It’s A Wonderful Life. What are you going to do? Throw yourself off a bridge, too? Get some new ideas, folks.” The researchers stressed that Valentine’s Day, however, remained by far the most romantic moment for a murder-suicide.


theonion--2020-12-21--Boat Filled With Cocaine Washes Ashore On Marshall Islands

Authorities in the Marshall Islands say a boat containing an estimated $ 80 million worth of cocaine that washed ashore @ @ @ @ @ adrift at sea for more than a year and likely came from Central or South @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ I hate to think what a bust this big is going to @ @ @ @ @ of boats.
” “ It ’ s difficult to hear these kinds of stories as @ @ @ @ @ “ Hopefully , that boat gets the help it needs to overcome its addiction .
@

Authorities in the Marshall Islands say a boat containing an estimated $80 million worth of cocaine that washed ashore this week could have been adrift at sea for more than a year and likely came from Central or South America. What do you think?
“I hate to think what a bust this big is going to do to the street price of boats.” Norma Hopkins, Snowblower Operator
“It’s difficult to hear these kinds of stories as a recovering boat addict.” Leo Edeson, Tub Drainer
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-22--The 4 Other Human Beings We Saw This Year

Late at night two months ago , we heard a window break and a still-unidentified man came in and stole @ @ @ @ @ In terms of contact it ’ s not the best , but it ’ s @ @ @ @ @

Late at night two months ago, we heard a window break and a still-unidentified man came in and stole our TV at gunpoint. In terms of contact it’s not the best, but it’s still better than nothing.


theonion--2020-12-22--Report Finds Majority Of Business Leaders Visited By 3 Spirits Make No Changes To Lifestyle

Hear why many CEOs believe ’ tis might not be the season for becoming a better person .
Patreon is @ @ @ @ @ creators .
Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more You can find The @ @ @ @ @ Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why many CEOs believe ’tis might not be the season for becoming a better person.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-22--How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas

From fashioning straw yule goats in Scandinavia to the Feast of the Seven Fishes in southern Italy , Christmas is @ @ @ @ @ ways across the globe .
Here is a closer look at some notable Christmas traditions @ @ @ @

From fashioning straw yule goats in Scandinavia to the Feast of the Seven Fishes in southern Italy, Christmas is celebrated in a variety of ways across the globe. Here is a closer look at some notable Christmas traditions around the world.


theonion--2020-12-23--The Onion’s Tips For Spreading Christmas Cheer

Nothing says “ Christmas cheer ” like drinking a sixth whiskey and Coke at your workplace party , sloppily hitting @ @ @ @ @ who ’ s nearly 20 years younger than you , and then leaning your forehead @ @ @ @ @ urinal for several minutes until you work up the composure to silently lumber past everyone @ @ @ @ @ cab .

Nothing says “Christmas cheer” like drinking a sixth whiskey and Coke at your workplace party, sloppily hitting on the girl in sales who’s nearly 20 years younger than you, and then leaning your forehead against the tile above the urinal for several minutes until you work up the composure to silently lumber past everyone and outside to catch a cab.


theonion--2020-12-23--Astronomers Say December 24th Will Be Best Chance To See Santa Until 2021

Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months .
We have the latest @ @ @ @ @ a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Get your telescope ready for the celestial event that only happens once every 10 months. We have the latest on how to best get a glimpse of the jolly old fellow barreling through the sky for yourself.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-23--‘Come Home For Christmas Now,’ Whispers Dad As Enraged Mom Rips Stove, Dishwasher From Wall

KANSAS CITY , MO—Holding his breath and cowering in a corner as the screaming 58-year-old tore through his house , father of four James Connroy whispered “ C ome home for Christmas now ” into the phone to his daughter Wednesday as the enraged mother ripped the stove and dishwasher from the wall .
“ Listen to me , if she doesn ’ t get to spend the holidays with all of her babies under one roof together soon , I ’ m as good as dead—do you understand me ?
” said Connroy , wincing and clutching his cell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let out a blood-curdling scream , plunged her fingers deep into the plaster , and scrambled up to the ceiling while yelling the words “ family , now ” in a deep , billowing voice .
“ Please , we don ’ t have much time .
The only thing that can save me at this point is all of us sitting around the Christmas tree in our pajamas , laughing like old times .
If I don ’ t make it out of here , tell your mom I know she didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that I forgive her .
Oh G od , I think she tore out the countertops .
But she loves those countertops .
Oh my G od .
Oh my G od.
” At press time , the Connroy children told reporters that the last thing they ’ d heard from their dad was a grainy voicemail where a fist audibly punched through a door , followed by the sound of bones cracking .

KANSAS CITY, MO—Holding his breath and cowering in a corner as the screaming 58-year-old tore through his house, father of four James Connroy whispered “C ome home for Christmas now ” into the phone to his daughter Wednesday as the enraged mother ripped the stove and dishwasher from the wall. “Listen to me, if she doesn’t get to spend the holidays with all of her babies under one roof together soon, I’m as good as dead—do you understand me?” said Connroy, wincing and clutching his cell phone to his ear as his wife let out a blood-curdling scream, plunged her fingers deep into the plaster, and scrambled up to the ceiling while yelling the words “family, now” in a deep, billowing voice. “Please, we don’t have much time. The only thing that can save me at this point is all of us sitting around the Christmas tree in our pajamas, laughing like old times. If I don’t make it out of here, tell your mom I know she didn’t mean any harm, and that I forgive her. Oh G od, I think she tore out the countertops. But she loves those countertops. Oh my G od. Oh my G od.” At press time, the Connroy children told reporters that the last thing they’d heard from their dad was a grainy voicemail where a fist audibly punched through a door, followed by the sound of bones cracking.


theonion--2020-12-24--Logistics Of Eating Oversized Candy Cane Completely Overwhelming

EAGAN , MN—Intimidated yet intrigued as he contemplated the two-pound , 3,500-calorie peppermint treat , local man Mark Carroll confirmed @ @ @ @ @ by the logistics of eating an oversized candy cane he had received in a holiday @ @ @ @ @ at this thing—I mean , where do you even start ?
” said Carroll , @ @ @ @ @ covered in plastic just from unwrapping the enormous hooked confection , which he reasoned was @ @ @ @ @ now but also far too large to finish in one sitting .
“ I can @ @ @ @ @ because it ’ ll just stick to that .
Do I get a plate ?
@ @ @ @ @ pieces and eat a little bit at a time , but a kitchen knife would @ @ @ @ @ .
Are you supposed to break it apart with a hammer ?
Oh God , @ @ @ @ @ my hair.
” At press time , sources reported Carroll was standing above a trash @ @ @ @ @ hands after the candy cane had fused tightly to his skin .

EAGAN, MN—Intimidated yet intrigued as he contemplated the two-pound, 3,500-calorie peppermint treat, local man Mark Carroll confirmed Thursday he was completely overwhelmed by the logistics of eating an oversized candy cane he had received in a holiday gift basket. “Look at this thing—I mean, where do you even start?” said Carroll, his palms reportedly sticky and covered in plastic just from unwrapping the enormous hooked confection, which he reasoned was too messy to set down now but also far too large to finish in one sitting. “I can’t use a napkin because it’ll just stick to that. Do I get a plate? I could cut it into pieces and eat a little bit at a time, but a kitchen knife would be useless on this thing. Are you supposed to break it apart with a hammer? Oh God, now it’s in my hair.” At press time, sources reported Carroll was standing above a trash can and violently shaking both hands after the candy cane had fused tightly to his skin.


theonion--2020-12-24--Santa Claus: ‘Ho, Ho, Ho! I Saw You Masturbating!’

On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical , Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old @ @ @ @ @ a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

On this special Christmas Eve episode of The Topical, Leslie is joined from the North Pole by Jolly Old Saint Nicholas himself who has a very special and very important message for all of his favorite little rubbers and tuggers.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-24--How To Navigate The Holidays Alone

How To Navigate The Holidays Alone

Avoid romanticizing what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who truly understood who you were @ @ @ @ @ your jokes , held you every night , and placed your happiness above everything else @ @ @ @ @

Avoid romanticizing what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone who truly understood who you were deep down, laughed at your jokes, held you every night, and placed your happiness above everything else in the entire universe.


theonion--2020-12-26--5,000-Foot Ball Of Discarded Packaging Material Barrels Across Nation Consuming Everything In Path

SILVER SPRING , MD—Leaving behind a devastating trail of destruction , a 5,000-foo t ball of discarded packaging materials reportedly @ @ @ @ @ Saturday consuming everything in its path .
“ Residents of the Midwest are advised to @ @ @ @ @ an unstoppable mass of cardboard boxes , shipping tape , wrapping paper , and ribbons @ @ @ @ @ , ” said National Weather Service director Louis Uccellini of the massive ball , which @ @ @ @ @ homes , businesses , and cars .
“ While residents of Colorado and Utah only @ @ @ @ @ loss , the ball could now cause untold damage , as its speed topped 100 @ @ @ @ @ Oklahoma .
Please , we urge Americans to keep their packaging supplies inside during this @ @ @ @ @ stop the ball from getting bigger.
” At press time , Uccellini announced that the @ @ @ @ @ to dissipate once it hit the Atlantic Ocean , blanketing the entire east coast in @ @ @ @ @ paper .

SILVER SPRING, MD—Leaving behind a devastating trail of destruction, a 5,000-foo t ball of discarded packaging materials reportedly barreled across the United States Saturday consuming everything in its path. “Residents of the Midwest are advised to take shelter immediately, as an unstoppable mass of cardboard boxes, shipping tape, wrapping paper, and ribbons is currently speeding towards them,” said National Weather Service director Louis Uccellini of the massive ball, which had already crushed millions of homes, businesses, and cars. “While residents of Colorado and Utah only experienced earthquakes and temporary power loss, the ball could now cause untold damage, as its speed topped 100 mph across the plains of Oklahoma. Please, we urge Americans to keep their packaging supplies inside during this critical time in order to stop the ball from getting bigger.” At press time, Uccellini announced that the 360,000- ton ball had begun to dissipate once it hit the Atlantic Ocean , blanketing the entire east coast in a thick layer of wrapping paper.


theonion--2020-12-28--Inspirational Mugs Your Therapist Doesn’t Want You To See

Okay , so your therapist mainly doesn ’ t want you to see this one because you become paralyzed at @ @ @ @ @ and honestly we got ta agree with her on this one .

Okay, so your therapist mainly doesn’t want you to see this one because you become paralyzed at the very idea of death and honestly we gotta agree with her on this one.


theonion--2020-12-29--This One’s Just For The Foot Fetishists

This One’s Just For The Foot Fetishists

We understand the likelihood is low that anyone clicked on this thinking we were referring to a unit of measurement @ @ @ @ @ chance that there ’ s someone sexually attracted to 12 inches currently experiencing blue balls @ @ @ @ @ for you , baby .

We understand the likelihood is low that anyone clicked on this thinking we were referring to a unit of measurement, but on the off chance that there’s someone sexually attracted to 12 inches currently experiencing blue balls, this one’s for you, baby.


theonion--2020-02-03--Victorious Patrick Mahomes Thanks Bears For Drafting Mitchell Trubisky

‘ Thank God , Because I Would Not Be Here Today If Had Been Selected By Chicago , ’ Says Super Bowl Champ MIAMI—Crediting general manager Ryan Pace for playing an instrumental role in advancing his career , Super Bowl champion Patrick Mahomes thanked the Chicago Bears Sunday for selecting Mitchell Trubisky instead of him in the 2017 NFL Draft .
“ I would ’ ve never had this opportunity to compete for a championship if I had ended up on the Bears , ” said Mahomes during a post-game interview , expressing his gratitude to the Chicago franchise for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ career frustration .
“ There were some tense moments on draft day when it looked like I might be headed to Chicago , but luckily God had other plans for me .
Instead of lifting this trophy , I could be languishing at the bottom of the NFC North and running for my life after every snap behind a terrible offensive line .
I ’ m so glad I get to throw to Tyreek ( Hill ) and Sammy ( Watkins ) my whole career instead of whoever the hell is on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hopes all the current Bears players get as lucky as he did .

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

‘Thank God, Because I Would Not Be Here Today If Had Been Selected By Chicago,’ Says Super Bowl Champ
MIAMI—Crediting general manager Ryan Pace for playing an instrumental role in advancing his career, Super Bowl champion Patrick Mahomes thanked the Chicago Bears Sunday for selecting Mitchell Trubisky instead of him in the 2017 NFL Draft. “I would’ve never had this opportunity to compete for a championship if I had ended up on the Bears,” said Mahomes during a post-game interview, expressing his gratitude to the Chicago franchise for sparing him from years of mediocrity and career frustration. “There were some tense moments on draft day when it looked like I might be headed to Chicago, but luckily God had other plans for me. Instead of lifting this trophy, I could be languishing at the bottom of the NFC North and running for my life after every snap behind a terrible offensive line. I’m so glad I get to throw to Tyreek (Hill) and Sammy (Watkins) my whole career instead of whoever the hell is on the Bears.” Mahomes added that he only hopes all the current Bears players get as lucky as he did.