theonion--2020-08-26--Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere

TORONTO—Fleeing a life of limited cinematic opportunity , rafts bearing cinephile refugees from the United States began arriving in Canada Wednesday in time for the premiere of Christopher Nolan ’ s psychological sci-fi thriller Tenet .
“ I didn ’ t think we were going to make it until I saw the shape of the theater looming in the shoreline mists before us , ” said 34-year-old Lincoln , NE film buff Daniel Molnar , who recalled the perilous three days the group spent adrift in Lake Ontario , sheltering from the relentless sun under makeshift awnings constructed from Criterion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Once I saw the marquee lights , I knew everything would be okay .
We undertook this voyage knowing there was a chance we ’ d die out there , but we also knew we couldn ’ t stay in a dull , gray land devoid of blockbuster spy films .
My God , I had to leave the entire Dark Knight trilogy behind .
I ’ ll probably never see it again .
We also brought some audio equipment so we could do a little podcast after .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our guys had to dive overboard for it at one point .
Rest in peace , Tyler.
” Molnar added he was planning on sending some bootleg copies home until he could bring his wife and children over to see Tenet for themselves .

TORONTO—Fleeing a life of limited cinematic opportunity, rafts bearing cinephile refugees from the United States began arriving in Canada Wednesday in time for the premiere of Christopher Nolan’s psychological sci-fi thriller Tenet. “I didn’t think we were going to make it until I saw the shape of the theater looming in the shoreline mists before us,” said 34-year-old Lincoln, NE film buff Daniel Molnar, who recalled the perilous three days the group spent adrift in Lake Ontario, sheltering from the relentless sun under makeshift awnings constructed from Criterion Collection blu-ray releases and Pulp Fiction T-shirts. “Once I saw the marquee lights, I knew everything would be okay. We undertook this voyage knowing there was a chance we’d die out there, but we also knew we couldn’t stay in a dull, gray land devoid of blockbuster spy films. My God, I had to leave the entire Dark Knight trilogy behind. I’ll probably never see it again. We also brought some audio equipment so we could do a little podcast after. It’s a little wet. One of our guys had to dive overboard for it at one point. Rest in peace, Tyler.” Molnar added he was planning on sending some bootleg copies home until he could bring his wife and children over to see Tenet for themselves.


theonion--2020-08-26--Fox News Limits Pandemic Coverage To Avoid Giving Coronavirus Notoriety It Craves

NEW YORK—Calling the virus a “ wannabe star ” that feeds off of the limelight , Fox News announced Wednesday that they had limited their pandemic coverage to avoid giving the Covid -19 the notoriety it craved .
“ I ’ ve said it once , and I ’ ll say it again—all the novel coronavirus wants is to become a household name , and by reporting on it , the left-wing , sensationalist media is playing right into its hands , ” said Fox News host Tucker Carlson , adding that while he was taking the power away from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ networks weren ’ t doing the country “ any favors ” by glorifying its spree of murders .
“ Power .
Fame .
These so-called journalists are handing months worth of free publicity to the virus on a silver platter !
That ’ s why , as a service to all Americans , I and my fellow anchors at Fox News will refuse to show its photo , a body count , or even say its name because we believe that doing so would encourage it and only serve to elevate it to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Carlson took several minutes to decry networks like CNN and MSNBC for being the “ real virus , ” and accused them of having the blood of Americans all over their hands .

NEW YORK—Calling the virus a “wannabe star” that feeds off of the limelight, Fox News announced Wednesday that they had limited their pandemic coverage to avoid giving the Covid -19 the notoriety it craved. “I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again—all the novel coronavirus wants is to become a household name, and by reporting on it, the left-wing, sensationalist media is playing right into its hands,” said Fox News host Tucker Carlson, adding that while he was taking the power away from the pandemic by ignoring it, other networks weren’t doing the country “any favors” by glorifying its spree of murders. “Power. Fame. These so-called journalists are handing months worth of free publicity to the virus on a silver platter! That’s why, as a service to all Americans, I and my fellow anchors at Fox News will refuse to show its photo, a body count, or even say its name because we believe that doing so would encourage it and only serve to elevate it to a mythical status it so deeply desires.” At press time, Carlson took several minutes to decry networks like CNN and MSNBC for being the “real virus,” and accused them of having the blood of Americans all over their hands.


theonion--2020-08-26--Iowa Leaves Big Saran-Wrapped Bowl Of Potato Salad At Illinois Border After Making Too Much

DAVENPORT , IA—Noting that it would be just a gosh-darned shame to let perfectly good food go to waste , the state of Iowa left a big Saran-wrapped bowl of potato salad at the Illinois border Wednesday after making way too much .
“ There ’ s no way we could finish all of this potato salad ourselves , ” Iowa said in a note attached to a large aluminum mixing bowl heaping with the creamy side dish , which had been made with extra red onions , sprinkled liberally with bacon bits , topped with carefully arranged hard-boiled egg @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Illinois side of the border for their neighbors to enjoy .
“ It ’ s still a little warm , but it will taste just as great cold or at room temperature , and it ’ ll keep up to a week or so in the fridge , no problem .
Just don ’ t leave it out here in the sun too long or it may turn .
Don ’ t tell anyone , but the secret ingredient is Miracle Whip .
Gives it a tangy little kick.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ @ @ commenting that they hoped Illinois would at least rinse the bowl before giving it back this time .

DAVENPORT, IA—Noting that it would be just a gosh-darned shame to let perfectly good food go to waste, the state of Iowa left a big Saran-wrapped bowl of potato salad at the Illinois border Wednesday after making way too much. “There’s no way we could finish all of this potato salad ourselves,” Iowa said in a note attached to a large aluminum mixing bowl heaping with the creamy side dish, which had been made with extra red onions, sprinkled liberally with bacon bits, topped with carefully arranged hard-boiled egg slices, and left just over on the Illinois side of the border for their neighbors to enjoy. “It’s still a little warm, but it will taste just as great cold or at room temperature, and it’ll keep up to a week or so in the fridge, no problem. Just don’t leave it out here in the sun too long or it may turn. Don’t tell anyone, but the secret ingredient is Miracle Whip. Gives it a tangy little kick.” At press time, Iowa had been overheard loudly commenting that they hoped Illinois would at least rinse the bowl before giving it back this time.


theonion--2020-08-26--‘I Was, Uh, Getting Groceries,’ Lies Girlfriend Covering Up Fourth Craft Store Visit This Week

EUGENE , OR—Leaving her bags of fabric and buttons in the trunk of her car until later to avoid raising suspicion , local hobbyist Karen Berger lied outright to her boyfriend Wednesday by telling him she had been getting groceries in order to cover up her fourth visit to the craft store this week .
“ Sorry I was gone for so long , but there was a lot of traffic on the way back from the supermarket , which is where I was , ” said the profusely sweating Berger , hoping that her nervous perspiration would cover the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she haltingly explained that she hadn ’ t brought back anything to eat because she hadn ’ t seen anything that looked good .
“ How should I know why we ’ re getting all these Michael ’ s coupons in the mail ?
Do you have something you ’ d like to say to me ?
Jesus , I try to go out and get something for us to eat , and all of a sudden I ’ m being interrogated.
” Berger later told her boyfriend that she had “ no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yarn came to be packed in airtight plastic bags and hidden in their toilet tank .

EUGENE, OR—Leaving her bags of fabric and buttons in the trunk of her car until later to avoid raising suspicion, local hobbyist Karen Berger lied outright to her boyfriend Wednesday by telling him she had been getting groceries in order to cover up her fourth visit to the craft store this week. “Sorry I was gone for so long, but there was a lot of traffic on the way back from the supermarket, which is where I was,” said the profusely sweating Berger, hoping that her nervous perspiration would cover the distinctive lingering odor of decoupage glue as she haltingly explained that she hadn’t brought back anything to eat because she hadn’t seen anything that looked good. “How should I know why we’re getting all these Michael’s coupons in the mail? Do you have something you’d like to say to me? Jesus, I try to go out and get something for us to eat, and all of a sudden I’m being interrogated.” Berger later told her boyfriend that she had “no idea” how nine skeins of multicolored yarn came to be packed in airtight plastic bags and hidden in their toilet tank.


theonion--2020-08-26--How To Become A Social Media Influencer

How To Become A Social Media Influencer

As people spend more time online and social media becomes more monetizable , successful social media influencers can make millions of dollars a year , but finding success can be difficult .
The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to becoming a social media influencer .
STEP 2 : Suppress the part of your brain that experiences shame .
STEP 3 : Complete 100 hours of posting under the supervision of a licensed social media instructor .
STEP 4 : Be authentic—it ’ s easy to tell when someone doesn ’ t really give a shit about unboxing socks .
STEP @ @ @ @ @ @ @ applied for all proper account zoning permits .
STEP 6 : Practice influencing your friends to do certain things like commenting on your posts , using your promo codes , and skipping another meal to get swimsuit-ready .
STEP 7 : Before hitting 10,000 followers , scrub social media of all those times you were very racist .
STEP 8 : Let companies know you ’ re open to having them pay you hundreds of thousands of dollars per post .
STEP 9 : Make sure to swap out your dog with a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ views .
STEP 10 : Remind your followers that even if things are crazy right now , we can make the world a better place by staying at Wyndham Hotels .

As people spend more time online and social media becomes more monetizable, successful social media influencers can make millions of dollars a year, but finding success can be difficult. The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to becoming a social media influencer.
STEP 1: Cultivate a fun personality like “quirky” or “immeasurably rich.”
STEP 2: Suppress the part of your brain that experiences shame.
STEP 3: Complete 100 hours of posting under the supervision of a licensed social media instructor.
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STEP 4: Be authentic—it’s easy to tell when someone doesn’t really give a shit about unboxing socks.
STEP 5: Ensure that you’ve applied for all proper account zoning permits.
STEP 6: Practice influencing your friends to do certain things like commenting on your posts, using your promo codes, and skipping another meal to get swimsuit-ready.
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STEP 7: Before hitting 10,000 followers, scrub social media of all those times you were very racist.
STEP 8: Let companies know you’re open to having them pay you hundreds of thousands of dollars per post.
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STEP 9: Make sure to swap out your dog with a fresh puppy every six months for maximum views.
STEP 10: Remind your followers that even if things are crazy right now, we can make the world a better place by staying at Wyndham Hotels.


theonion--2020-08-26--Los Angeles Deploys Buzzkill Task Force To Break Up Parties

Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “ @ @ @ @ @ designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear how an increasing number of Covid-19 cases has prompted L.A. mayor Eric Garcetti to respond with a city-wide “Designated Downer” program, designed to totally kill the vibe at parties with more than 10 people.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-26--Premeditated Triple Homicide Taken Completely Out Of Context

EL PASO , TX—Maintaining that “ you kind of had to be there ” to really get the gist of his grisly series of murders , local killer James Greiner told reporters Wednesday that the premeditated triple homicide he committed had been taken completely out of context .
“ As someone who was actually the one shooting and stabbing people , I ’ d just like to say that it made a whole lot more sense in the moment , ” said Greiner , who also noted that the “ holier-than-thou hypocrites ” passing judgment on him didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ victims , or the plot to kill and bury them in his backyard he had worked out over three weeks .
“ I know I ’ m not perfect , but everyone ’ s looking at this thing and jumping to the conclusion that it ’ s some kind of monstrous scheme cooked up by a cold-blooded killer .
In some ways , I almost wish those people I murdered were still alive to explain exactly how normal the whole thing actually was.
” Greiner added that his fingerprints , blood , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of context by investigators .

EL PASO, TX—Maintaining that “you kind of had to be there” to really get the gist of his grisly series of murders, local killer James Greiner told reporters Wednesday that the premeditated triple homicide he committed had been taken completely out of context. “As someone who was actually the one shooting and stabbing people, I’d just like to say that it made a whole lot more sense in the moment,” said Greiner, who also noted that the “holier-than-thou hypocrites” passing judgment on him didn’t know anything about his life, his victims, or the plot to kill and bury them in his backyard he had worked out over three weeks. “I know I’m not perfect, but everyone’s looking at this thing and jumping to the conclusion that it’s some kind of monstrous scheme cooked up by a cold-blooded killer. In some ways, I almost wish those people I murdered were still alive to explain exactly how normal the whole thing actually was.” Greiner added that his fingerprints, blood, and semen had also been taken wildly out of context by investigators.


theonion--2020-08-28--Surgeon Putting In Extra Effort In Case Patient Undercover Professional Critic

MUNCIE , IN—Methodically taking the proper steps to divert an artery , cardiac surgeon Dr. Stewart Smith took extra care @ @ @ @ @ just in case the patient was an undercover professional critic .
“ These guys often @ @ @ @ @ disclosure or any warning , so just to be safe , I ’ m really @ @ @ @ @ one comes out nice , ” said Smith , noting he knew doctors whose practices @ @ @ @ @ critics called their surgical techniques “ uninspired ” and prognoses “ jejune ” in their @ @ @ @ @ up on one little heart valve and these guys tear you apart .
It would @ @ @ @ @ on the other hand , if you score a five-star review , you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Smith had panicked after the patient lost blood pressure and flatlined @

MUNCIE, IN—Methodically taking the proper steps to divert an artery, cardiac surgeon Dr. Stewart Smith took extra care with a double bypass Thursday just in case the patient was an undercover professional critic. “These guys often schedule major surgeries without full disclosure or any warning, so just to be safe, I’m really taking care to ensure this one comes out nice,” said Smith, noting he knew doctors whose practices had been shut down after critics called their surgical techniques “uninspired” and prognoses “jejune” in their reviews. “You mess up on one little heart valve and these guys tear you apart. It would drive me crazy, but on the other hand, if you score a five-star review, you’re absolutely set for life.” At press time, Smith had panicked after the patient lost blood pressure and flatlined.


theonion--2020-08-28--Touching: After Bethesda Heard This Grandpa Loves ‘Skyrim,’ They Decided To Make Him The Next ‘Elder

Touching: After Bethesda Heard This Grandpa Loves ‘Skyrim,’ They Decided To Make Him The Next ‘Elder Scrolls’ Only Character

This can be a cynical business , gamers , but every once in a while , a story comes along that warms our hearts .
Yesterday , Bethesda revealed that after hearing the story of an elderly 86-year-old man who has played over 1,000 hours of Skyrim they decided to pay tribute to the superfan by putting him in the upcoming Elder Scrolls game as it s one and only character .
If that news doesn ’ t brighten your day , we don ’ t know what will .
This sweet story began late last year when a video @ @ @ @ @ @ @ through Hillgrund ’ s Tomb went viral on Twitter .
Right away , Todd Howard and the rest of the Elder Scrolls team knew they wanted to do something nice as an appreciation for such a dedicated fan , and after getting in contact with his family , they settled on an amazing idea that was sure to delight : E very single character , from guards to dungeon bosses to the player themselves , will be modeled after and voiced by Pollack .
How cool is that !
While secrecy around the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t share all the details , we do know that Pollack has recorded over 5,000 lines of dialogue , including guard phrases like “ Mind yourself citizen ” that will be repeated hundreds of times throughout the game .
In addition , the 10 playable races have been narrowed down to just ‘ Herbert , ’ whose appearance and stats will not be customizable in any way .
This sounds like a Skyrim fan ’ s dream come true .
Not only is Herbert in every corner of the game but Bethesda @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is true to life .
Both the player and every Herbert NPC will eat dinner at 4:30 p.m. in the local inn , always getting the same order of a turkey club and D iet Coke .
T he main quest will reportedly even mirror Herbert ’ s life , as most of the missions will send players off to fetch cholesterol medication while working towards the ultimate goal of getting your neighbor to cut down the tree that has repeatedly dropped branches on the bird feeder behind your farmhouse .
Though some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we here at OGN think this a sweet gesture that is sure to bring a ray of light into not only Herbert ’ s life but all of ours as well .
Sure , we might miss High Elves , the Dark Brotherhood , or combat of any kind , but it ’ s all worth it to put a smile on an old man ’ s face .

This can be a cynical business, gamers, but every once in a while, a story comes along that warms our hearts. Yesterday, Bethesda revealed that after hearing the story of an elderly 86-year-old man who has played over 1,000 hours of Skyrim they decided to pay tribute to the superfan by putting him in the upcoming Elder Scrolls game as its one and only character.
If that news doesn’t brighten your day, we don’t know what will.
This sweet story began late last year when a video of elderly Oregon resident Herbert Pollack hacking through Hillgrund’s Tomb went viral on Twitter. Right away, Todd Howard and the rest of the Elder Scrolls team knew they wanted to do something nice as an appreciation for such a dedicated fan, and after getting in contact with his family, they settled on an amazing idea that was sure to delight: Every single character, from guards to dungeon bosses to the player themselves, will be modeled after and voiced by Pollack. How cool is that!
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While secrecy around the next Elder Scrolls game means Bethesda can’t share all the details, we do know that Pollack has recorded over 5,000 lines of dialogue, including guard phrases like “Mind yourself citizen” that will be repeated hundreds of times throughout the game. In addition, the 10 playable races have been narrowed down to just ‘Herbert,’ whose appearance and stats will not be customizable in any way. This sounds like a Skyrim fan’s dream come true.
Not only is Herbert in every corner of the game but Bethesda has also made sure that the character is true to life. Both the player and every Herbert NPC will eat dinner at 4:30 p.m. in the local inn, always getting the same order of a turkey club and Diet Coke. The main quest will reportedly even mirror Herbert’s life, as most of the missions will send players off to fetch cholesterol medication while working towards the ultimate goal of getting your neighbor to cut down the tree that has repeatedly dropped branches on the bird feeder behind your farmhouse.
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Though some gamers decry fan service like this, we here at OGN think this a sweet gesture that is sure to bring a ray of light into not only Herbert’s life but all of ours as well. Sure, we might miss High Elves, the Dark Brotherhood, or combat of any kind, but it’s all worth it to put a smile on an old man’s face.


theonion--2020-08-28--Meteorologists Warn Hurricane Laura Intensifying Into Full-Scale Reckoning For Our Eternal Sins

OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast , explaining how Hurricane Laura ’ s path of @ @ @ @ @ s punishment for all his wicked acts .
You can find The Topical on Apple @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , and Stitcher .

OPR Weather Correspondent Kenneth Neeley is live from the Gulf Coast, explaining how Hurricane Laura’s path of destruction serves as God’s punishment for all his wicked acts.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-28--Hardcore Trump Fans Who Came To Hear Classic Border Wall Rants Frustrated By Boring New Covid Stuff

MANCHESTER , NH—Declaring that the event wasn ’ t really what they were hoping for , hardcore Donald Trump fans who attended a rally Friday to hear his classic border wall rants told reporters they were frustrated by the boring new Covid -19 stuff .
“ I appreciate that the president wants to try out some new coronavirus material , but I ’ m really here for the anti-immigrant hits , ” said longtime Trump supporter Jerry DiLullio , echoing concerns of hundreds across the crowd that although the president ’ s lengthy diatribes against the World Health Organization and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t capture the magic of his beloved tirades against the invasion of migrant gangs from Mexico and deep state plots to undermine his presidency .
“ I figured he ’ d get the new stuff out of the way up top and then switch to his older ‘ shithole countries ’ -era material , but we ’ re an hour in and he ’ s still just kind of noodling around with that recent Dr. Fauci stuff .
Honestly , it ’ s getting kind of repetitive , and his crowd work @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was—man , remember that rally where he made fun of that disabled reporter ?
That was amazing .
And there ’ s just nothing as catchy to chant as ‘ Lock Her Up ’ —hopefully he ’ s saving that for the finale.
” The Trump fans suggested that maybe his lackluster material was the result of so many advisors leaving the administration over creative differences .

MANCHESTER, NH—Declaring that the event wasn’t really what they were hoping for, hardcore Donald Trump fans who attended a rally Friday to hear his classic border wall rants told reporters they were frustrated by the boring new Covid -19 stuff. “I appreciate that the president wants to try out some new coronavirus material, but I’m really here for the anti-immigrant hits,” said longtime Trump supporter Jerry DiLullio, echoing concerns of hundreds across the crowd that although the president’s lengthy diatribes against the World Health Organization and China had their moments, they didn’t capture the magic of his beloved tirades against the invasion of migrant gangs from Mexico and deep state plots to undermine his presidency. “I figured he’d get the new stuff out of the way up top and then switch to his older ‘shithole countries’-era material, but we’re an hour in and he’s still just kind of noodling around with that recent Dr. Fauci stuff. Honestly, it’s getting kind of repetitive, and his crowd work isn’t quite as entertaining as it was—man, remember that rally where he made fun of that disabled reporter? That was amazing. And there’s just nothing as catchy to chant as ‘Lock Her Up’—hopefully he’s saving that for the finale.” The Trump fans suggested that maybe his lackluster material was the result of so many advisors leaving the administration over creative differences.


theonion--2020-08-28--Michael Phelps Breaches Surface To Ask If Coronavirus Still Happening Before Returning To Briny Dept

Michael Phelps Breaches Surface To Ask If Coronavirus Still Happening Before Returning To Briny Depths

ENCINITAS , CA—Crashing through the top of the surf in an arching jump before approaching a group of nearby swimmers @ @ @ @ @ the ocean ’ s surface Friday to ask if the c oronavirus is still ongoing @ @ @ @ @ depths .
“ How fares the surface world ?
Does the pandemic still run rampant @ @ @ @ @ ” asked Phelps , who sunk his teeth into a wiggling halibut as the stunned @ @ @ @ @ still dying every day .
“ I will not return to your land until this @ @ @ @ @ sea gives us all we need , and I must look after my family ’ @ @ @ @ @ .
I wish the best for you rock-dwellers , but I must tend to my @ @ @ @ @ time a purple , bloated Phelps had washed up on shore after swallowing 20 pounds @ @ @

ENCINITAS, CA—Crashing through the top of the surf in an arching jump before approaching a group of nearby swimmers, Michael Phelps reportedly breached the ocean’s surface Friday to ask if the c oronavirus is still ongoing before returning to the briny depths. “How fares the surface world? Does the pandemic still run rampant across your dry kingdom?” asked Phelps, who sunk his teeth into a wiggling halibut as the stunned crowd explained that thousands were still dying every day. “I will not return to your land until this pandemic has passed. The sea gives us all we need, and I must look after my family’s safety. You understand. I wish the best for you rock-dwellers, but I must tend to my aquatic home.” At press time a purple, bloated Phelps had washed up on shore after swallowing 20 pounds of plastic.


theonion--2020-08-28--Highlights Of The 2020 Republican National Convention

The 2020 Republican National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches and in-person events with President Donald @ @ @ @ @ The Onion looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Republican National Convention .
@ @ @ @ @ face to the name of this Trump guy who signed our stimulus checks .
Some @ @ @ @ @ , sure .
The largest public display of dental veneers in American history .
Impassioned @ @ @ @ @ from some of his top dependents .
At last had a chance to hear what @ @ @ @ @ think about leaders of the Democratic Party .
Trump expertly disguising fear-mongering as nothing more @ @ @ @ @ of blinking across the board .
Mark and Patricia McCloskey condemning protests for disrupting lives @ @ @ @ @ Four nights dedicated to all Americans who are furious about the state of our nation @ @ @ @ @ to keep it from improving .

The 2020 Republican National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches and in-person events with President Donald Trump’s renomination. The Onion looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Republican National Convention.
Finally able to put a face to the name of this Trump guy who signed our stimulus checks.
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Some occasional liberties with the facts, sure.
The largest public display of dental veneers in American history.
Impassioned speeches of support for Trump from some of his top dependents.
D.C.–based fence manufacturers making an absolute killing fortifying the White House perimeter.
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At last had a chance to hear what leaders of the Republican Party think about leaders of the Democratic Party.
Trump expertly disguising fear-mongering as nothing more than race-baiting.
Disturbing lack of blinking across the board.
Mark and Patricia McCloskey condemning protests for disrupting lives of violent suburban residents.
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Four nights dedicated to all Americans who are furious about the state of our nation and will fight like hell to keep it from improving.


theonion--2020-08-28--Russian Scientists Grip Heads In Agony As Telepathic Laika The Dog Emerges From Smoldering Crater

BRATSK , RUSSIA—Begging for mercy from the animal that they thought had died on its space voyage more than 60 @ @ @ @ @ inspecting a new impact crater Friday gripped their heads in agony as a telepathic Laika @ @ @ @ @ from the smoldering ruins .
“ No , it can not be .
Laika ?
@ @ @ @ @ !
” shouted the scientists , who fell to their knees with blood running from @ @ @ @ @ ’ s voice echoed through their heads and demanded to be taken to the Kremlin @ @ @ @ @ , we are sorry .
It is all a misunderstanding .
It was for science @ @ @ @ @ mankind !
We know you are a good girl .
Please , give us another @ @ @ @ @ , a trucker , who was heading towards Moscow , reportedly picked up the unassuming @ @ @ @ @ the road .

BRATSK, RUSSIA—Begging for mercy from the animal that they thought had died on its space voyage more than 60 years ago, Russian scientists inspecting a new impact crater Friday gripped their heads in agony as a telepathic Laika, the dog, emerged from the smoldering ruins. “No, it cannot be. Laika? It’s not possible!” shouted the scientists, who fell to their knees with blood running from their eyes as the dog’s voice echoed through their heads and demanded to be taken to the Kremlin. “Please, please, we are sorry. It is all a misunderstanding. It was for science. For the advancement of mankind! We know you are a good girl. Please, give us another chance.” At press time, a trucker, who was heading towards Moscow, reportedly picked up the unassuming Laika from the side of the road.


theonion--2020-08-28--Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value

LOS ANGELES—Saying there was no better investment than sheltering the A-list celebrity in a tight crawl space , a panel of top real estate experts agreed Friday that having actor and director George Clooney live in the attic of one ’ s home was a great way to boost its resale value .
“ An analysis of market trends clearly shows that a house is worth much more anytime George Clooney has been squatting in an unfinished upper level of the residence , ” said real estate agent Suzanne Erazo , who added that homeowners can expect a 10 % @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simply lodge the Michael Clayton star within the eaves of a dwelling , occasionally allowing him to sneak down and steal scraps of food from the trash at night .
“ Conventional wisdom may say double-pane windows or granite countertops are the way to go , but those enhancements pale in comparison to the return on investment you get from having George Clooney scrounging around up there and watching everything you and your family do through the air vents .
Mr. Clooney can also cause property values to rise throughout an entire neighborhood @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s habit of moving from one home to another under cover of darkness , his motives and odd proclivities a source of bewilderment to all.
” Erazo stressed that this advice applied only to Clooney and that anyone with an infestation of Afflecks in their attic should contact an exterminator immediately .

LOS ANGELES—Saying there was no better investment than sheltering the A-list celebrity in a tight crawl space, a panel of top real estate experts agreed Friday that having actor and director George Clooney live in the attic of one’s home was a great way to boost its resale value. “An analysis of market trends clearly shows that a house is worth much more anytime George Clooney has been squatting in an unfinished upper level of the residence,” said real estate agent Suzanne Erazo, who added that homeowners can expect a 10% year-over-year rate of appreciation even if they simply lodge the Michael Clayton star within the eaves of a dwelling, occasionally allowing him to sneak down and steal scraps of food from the trash at night. “Conventional wisdom may say double-pane windows or granite countertops are the way to go, but those enhancements pale in comparison to the return on investment you get from having George Clooney scrounging around up there and watching everything you and your family do through the air vents. Mr. Clooney can also cause property values to rise throughout an entire neighborhood, given the vagrant Oscar winner’s habit of moving from one home to another under cover of darkness, his motives and odd proclivities a source of bewilderment to all.” Erazo stressed that this advice applied only to Clooney and that anyone with an infestation of Afflecks in their attic should contact an exterminator immediately.


theonion--2020-08-27--Everything You Need To Know About ‘Call Of Duty: Black Ops Cold War’

Given the insanity of 2020 , you ’ d be forgiven for forgetting that it ’ s been over two years since the last Call Of Duty : Black Ops release .
Thankfully , we have a brand-spanking new title in the series exploring the background of the Cold War to take us away from these dreary days and into one of the most fascinating periods in American history .
Here ’ s everything you need to know .
Gamers are already divided about the controversial decision to let users take control of John Hinckley Jr. in his failed assassination @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the trailer , multiple characters will be cool enough to wear sunglasses inside .
Gamers will be able to get into the spirit of the ’ 80s with a side quest where they direct , edit , and produce the 1984 action film Red Dawn .
Significant portion of the gameplay involve dryly negotiating weapons contracts with Mujahideen rebels in Afghanistan and watching them do the actual fighting .
The developers have reckoned with prior Call Of Duty games ’ misrepresentation of American war crimes by including an unlockable weapon skin that says @ @ @ @ @ @ @ U.S .
Bombs In Laos Due To Misbegotten Cold War Foreign Policy ” on the grip of your M1911 .
Interestingly , Black Ops Cold War ’ s gameplay will be divided into multiple subsections the developers are calling “ levels.
” The franchise ’ s wildly popular Zombies mode will return , proving Activision fully understands no one likes their games and wishes they were playing something completely different .
There will be just enough real information to get the single easiest Cold War question correct on the AP U.S. History test @

Given the insanity of 2020, you’d be forgiven for forgetting that it’s been over two years since the last Call Of Duty: Black Ops release. Thankfully, we have a brand-spanking new title in the series exploring the background of the Cold War to take us away from these dreary days and into one of the most fascinating periods in American history. Here’s everything you need to know.
Gamers are already divided about the controversial decision to let users take control of John Hinckley Jr. in his failed assassination attempt of Ronald Reagan.
Advertisement
Based on the trailer, multiple characters will be cool enough to wear sunglasses inside.
Gamers will be able to get into the spirit of the ’80s with a side quest where they direct, edit, and produce the 1984 action film Red Dawn.
Advertisement Advertisement
Significant portion of the gameplay involve dryly negotiating weapons contracts with Mujahideen rebels in Afghanistan and watching them do the actual fighting.
The developers have reckoned with prior Call Of Duty games’ misrepresentation of American war crimes by including an unlockable weapon skin that says “There Are Still 80 Million Live U.S. Bombs In Laos Due To Misbegotten Cold War Foreign Policy” on the grip of your M1911.
Advertisement
Interestingly, Black Ops Cold War’s gameplay will be divided into multiple subsections the developers are calling “levels.”
The franchise’s wildly popular Zombies mode will return, proving Activision fully understands no one likes their games and wishes they were playing something completely different.
Advertisement
There will be just enough real information to get the single easiest Cold War question correct on the AP U.S. History test.


theonion--2020-08-31--Nation Feels Like It Hasn’t Seen Justin Timberlake In Years

LOS ANGELES—Responding to Justin Timberlake ’ s prolonged absence from the public stage , Americans across the nation expressed curiosity @ @ @ @ @ the once-popular singer-songwriter .
“ God , that guy was huge for a little bit @ @ @ @ @ ’ t even tell you what he looks like any more , ” said Los @ @ @ @ @ noting that he was unable to recall a single appearance by the former star on @ @ @ @ @ shows .
“ He did some movies , too , right ?
Man , poor @ @ @ @ @ total has-been .
But that ’ s just how fame works nowadays , I guess @ @ @ @ @ minutes in the limelight and then , poof , you ’ re gone for good.
@ @ @ @ @ the U.S. populace wished Joey Fatone would just get out of their fucking faces .

Where’s That Guy Been?’ Citizens Ask
LOS ANGELES—Responding to Justin Timberlake’s prolonged absence from the public stage, Americans across the nation expressed curiosity Monday about whatever happened to the once-popular singer-songwriter. “God, that guy was huge for a little bit, but I honestly couldn’t even tell you what he looks like any more,” said Los Angeles resident Tom Serota, noting that he was unable to recall a single appearance by the former star on recent magazines covers or late-night shows. “He did some movies, too, right? Man, poor guy must feel like a total has-been. But that’s just how fame works nowadays, I guess. You get a few minutes in the limelight and then, poof, you’re gone for good.” At press time, the U.S. populace wished Joey Fatone would just get out of their fucking faces.


theonion--2020-08-31--Pretentious Third-Grader Only Reading Children’s Books That Won Newbery Medal

WENHAM , MA—Friends of local third-grader Emily DeCateur expressed their bemusement Monday at the 8 -year-old ’ s pretentious insistence on only reading books that have won a Newbery Medal .
“ Emily ’ s just really insufferable to try to discuss books with because if you try to recommend a Captain Underpants or something and she just scoffs and says ‘ T hat ’ s no t a real chapter book , ’ ” said playmate Nikki Mustafus , adding that the ostentatious 8 -year-old even dismissed perennial classics such as The BFG or The Boxcar Children if they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ literature ’ s highest honor .
“ The other day I tried to get her to read How To Eat Fried Worms , but she claimed garbage like that was for the unwashed masses who probably wouldn ’ t appreciate the subtle genius of Walk Two Moons .
I ’ m hoping that when she gets a little older she ’ ll realize that art is subjective and its quality isn ’ t determined by some anonymous , smoke-filled room full of library administrators.
” Mustafas confirmed that DeCateur was even worse when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to watch any animated movies that were released after 2014 .

WENHAM, MA—Friends of local third-grader Emily DeCateur expressed their bemusement Monday at the 8 -year-old’s pretentious insistence on only reading books that have won a Newbery Medal. “Emily’s just really insufferable to try to discuss books with because if you try to recommend a Captain Underpants or something and she just scoffs and says ‘T hat’s no t a real chapter book,’ ” said playmate Nikki Mustafus, adding that the ostentatious 8 -year-old even dismissed perennial classics such as The BFG or The Boxcar Children if they haven’t won children’s literature’s highest honor. “The other day I tried to get her to read How To Eat Fried Worms, but she claimed garbage like that was for the unwashed masses who probably wouldn’t appreciate the subtle genius of Walk Two Moons. I’m hoping that when she gets a little older she’ll realize that art is subjective and its quality isn’t determined by some anonymous, smoke-filled room full of library administrators.” Mustafas confirmed that DeCateur was even worse when it came to cinema, absolutely refusing to watch any animated movies that were released after 2014.


theonion--2020-08-31--Biden Resumes In-Person Campaigning

Biden Resumes In-Person Campaigning

Former Vice President Joe Biden will begin visiting voters in battleground states across the country after the pandemic forced his @ @ @ @ @ earlier this year .
What do you think ?
“ Thank God I live in @ @ @ @ @ is irrelevant.
” “ You make a stronger connection with voters when you personally infect @ @ @ @ @ Is there maybe someone else they could send that might appeal to more voters ?
@

Former Vice President Joe Biden will begin visiting voters in battleground states across the country after the pandemic forced his campaign to halt in-person events earlier this year. What do you think?
“Thank God I live in a state where my vote is irrelevant.” Stella Ebden • Greeting Card Supplier
“You make a stronger connection with voters when you personally infect them with something.” Mark Peabody • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-08-31--DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin

DNC Pours All Campaign Funding Into New York, California To Win Popular Vote By Even Greater Margin Than 2016

WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve upon the party ’ s two-point margin of victory in the 2016 presidential election , the Democratic National Committee confirmed Monday it hoped to notch an even more decisive win of the popular vote this year by devoting all its resources to New York and California .
“ While our last nominee for president only won by about 3 million votes , we believe that if we concentrate on these two massive coastal population centers we can get that up to 4 or maybe 5 million , ” said DNC Chair Tom Perez , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ millions of dollars on TV ads in major media markets such as Los Angeles , the Bay Area , and New York City .
“ You look at the West Coast , you look at the Northeast , and these places just have a whole lot of Democrats in them .
So that ’ s where we want to do really intensive canvassing for Joe Biden , knocking on every door from Berkeley to Brooklyn to Boston .
If we can get those people out to the polls to vote for president , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ number of ballots cast , Biden will have this thing locked up .
There ’ s no telling how badly he ’ ll beat Donald Trump when you ’ re looking solely at the popular vote.
” According to reports , the DNC was already hard at work on plans for Inauguration Day , when its surrogates will hit the cable news circuit to discuss how , if the Constitution provided for the direct election of presidents , Biden would be the one getting sworn in .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to improve upon the party’s two-point margin of victory in the 2016 presidential election, the Democratic National Committee confirmed Monday it hoped to notch an even more decisive win of the popular vote this year by devoting all its resources to New York and California. “While our last nominee for president only won by about 3 million votes, we believe that if we concentrate on these two massive coastal population centers we can get that up to 4 or maybe 5 million,” said DNC Chair Tom Perez, who explained the committee would spend hundreds of millions of dollars on TV ads in major media markets such as Los Angeles, the Bay Area, and New York City. “You look at the West Coast, you look at the Northeast, and these places just have a whole lot of Democrats in them. So that’s where we want to do really intensive canvassing for Joe Biden, knocking on every door from Berkeley to Brooklyn to Boston. If we can get those people out to the polls to vote for president, then, in terms of the total number of ballots cast, Biden will have this thing locked up. There’s no telling how badly he’ll beat Donald Trump when you’re looking solely at the popular vote.” According to reports, the DNC was already hard at work on plans for Inauguration Day, when its surrogates will hit the cable news circuit to discuss how, if the Constitution provided for the direct election of presidents, Biden would be the one getting sworn in.


theonion--2020-08-31--Facebook Purchases Oculus VR For Another $2 Billion After Forgetting They Already Bought It In 2014

MENLO PARK , CA—Describing the move as a long-term investment in cutting-edge technology , social media giant Facebook announced Monday @ @ @ @ @ for an additional $ 2 billion after forgetting they already bought the company in 2014 @ @ @ @ @ opportunity to become a leader in the virtual reality space before realizing that we already @ @ @ @ @ COO Sheryl Sandberg , promising to support and “ stay out of the way ” @ @ @ @ @ who resigned in October 2018 .
“ This is our best innovation since we released @ @ @ @ @ press time , tech experts confirmed Facebook had expressed interest in acquiring Instagram and WhatsApp @ @

MENLO PARK, CA—Describing the move as a long-term investment in cutting-edge technology, social media giant Facebook announced Monday the purchase of Oculus VR for an additional $ 2 billion after forgetting they already bought the company in 2014. “We saw an opportunity to become a leader in the virtual reality space before realizing that we already were,” said Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, promising to support and “stay out of the way” of Oculus co-founder Brendan Iribe who resigned in October 2018. “This is our best innovation since we released Oculus Rift—ah shit.” At press time, tech experts confirmed Facebook had expressed interest in acquiring Instagram and WhatsApp again.


theonion--2020-08-31--Return To School ‘Whatever,’ Report Nation’s Angsty Teens

Plus , OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA ’ s storied Apollo program .
Is it @ @ @ @ @ s moon orgasm was faked ?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

Plus, OPR takes a look at the conspiracy theory surrounding NASA’s storied Apollo program. Is it possible that Neil Armstrong’s moon orgasm was faked?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-01--Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-

Study: Job Applicants With 4-Year College Degree Just As Successful As Those Who Lie About Having 4-Year College Degree

Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor ’ s degree also tended to have better test scores , less student @ @ @ @ @ graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear how those who fabricated a bachelor’s degree also tended to have better test scores, less student debt, and an additional graduate degree from a prestigious Ivy League school.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-01--Report: Majority Of Break-Ins Occur While Security Guard Watching Aerobics Video, Eating Big Bowl Of

Report: Majority Of Break-Ins Occur While Security Guard Watching Aerobics Video, Eating Big Bowl Of Chili

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans can best protect themselves from burglary , a report from the Pew Center released Tuesday found that the majority of break-ins occur while a security guard is watching an aerobics video and eating a big bowl of chili .
“ Our research indicates that , by far , the most common scenario of forced entry involves an intruder sneaking in during a period when the watch-person ’ s eyes are glued to a jumping jacks routine while trying to bring a particularly hot spoonful of beans , meat , and cheese up to their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Carbo , adding that the security challenges identified were compounded by the fact that the groggy guards rarely looked at the monitor bay until they had already dozed off and fallen out of their chair , dumping the bowl of chili all over their uniforms and the floor in the process .
“ Those looking to keep their possessions safe should also be on the lookout for other common break-in scenarios such as slipping through while a security guard attempts to flirt with an attractive coworker , unfurls and inspects a Playboy centerfold @ @ @ @ @ @ @ station to win a contest.
” Carbo added that the crimes often weren ’ t reported until after a heavily armed vehicle came crashing through the guard booth and drove off into the night , leading security officers to stand watching with their mouths agape .

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on how Americans can best protect themselves from burglary, a report from the Pew Center released Tuesday found that the majority of break-ins occur while a security guard is watching an aerobics video and eating a big bowl of chili. “Our research indicates that, by far, the most common scenario of forced entry involves an intruder sneaking in during a period when the watch-person’s eyes are glued to a jumping jacks routine while trying to bring a particularly hot spoonful of beans, meat, and cheese up to their lips,” said lead researcher Donovan Carbo, adding that the security challenges identified were compounded by the fact that the groggy guards rarely looked at the monitor bay until they had already dozed off and fallen out of their chair, dumping the bowl of chili all over their uniforms and the floor in the process. “Those looking to keep their possessions safe should also be on the lookout for other common break-in scenarios such as slipping through while a security guard attempts to flirt with an attractive coworker, unfurls and inspects a Playboy centerfold, or calls in to a radio station to win a contest.” Carbo added that the crimes often weren’t reported until after a heavily armed vehicle came crashing through the guard booth and drove off into the night, leading security officers to stand watching with their mouths agape.


theonion--2020-09-01--New Historical Evidence Reveals Ancient Mesopotamians Invented Concept Of Zero After Catching Sight

New Historical Evidence Reveals Ancient Mesopotamians Invented Concept Of Zero After Catching Sight Of Total Fucking Loser

OXFORD , UK—Shedding new light on the origin of the number , historians at Oxford University published new evidence Tuesday that the ancient Mesopotamians invented the concept of zero after catching sight of a total fucking loser .
“ We have unearthed multiple ancient cuneiforms confirming that the Sumerians came up with the idea of a number that lacks any value after they encountered a shepherd who was just a complete dud , ” said Professor Patricia Cornish in a presentation , explaining how the creation of a symbol to denote the absence of material worth was a direct result @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pathetic existence of this total fucking waste of space .
“ They had no way of describing just how vapid this complete nobody was , so they devised a specific character in their numerical system to help them express how little the pitiful dope offered to society .
It is not an exaggeration to say that the history of mathematics was radically changed the moment they came into contact with this sorry ass fuck.
” Cornish went on to explain that this ancient Sumerian loser was so powerfully vacuous , that word of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the Mayans , the Indians , and the Europeans .

OXFORD, UK—Shedding new light on the origin of the number, historians at Oxford University published new evidence Tuesday that the ancient Mesopotamians invented the concept of zero after catching sight of a total fucking loser. “We have unearthed multiple ancient cuneiforms confirming that the Sumerians came up with the idea of a number that lacks any value after they encountered a shepherd who was just a complete dud,” said Professor Patricia Cornish in a presentation, explaining how the creation of a symbol to denote the absence of material worth was a direct result of a group of scribes observing the pathetic existence of this total fucking waste of space. “They had no way of describing just how vapid this complete nobody was, so they devised a specific character in their numerical system to help them express how little the pitiful dope offered to society. It is not an exaggeration to say that the history of mathematics was radically changed the moment they came into contact with this sorry ass fuck.” Cornish went on to explain that this ancient Sumerian loser was so powerfully vacuous, that word of his lameness later spread across the globe to the Mayans, the Indians, and the Europeans.


theonion--2020-09-01--Teachers Nationwide Resign, Retire Amidst Coronavirus Chaos

Across the country , K-12 teachers are leaving the job citing challenges with remote learning as well as concerns about @ @ @ @ @ New York State where retirements are up 20 % compared to 2019 .
What do @ @ @ @ @ the looks of this y ear ’ s kindergartners , I don ’ t blame @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus is going to reduce the number of students , too , so it works @ @ @ @ @ they don ’ t want to teach over the internet , then they don ’ @ @ @ @ @ your minds .
”

Across the country, K-12 teachers are leaving the job citing challenges with remote learning as well as concerns about in-person teaching, including in New York State where retirements are up 20% compared to 2019. What do you think?
“From the looks of this y ear’s kindergartners, I don’t blame them.” Rosie Gellion, Amateur Luggage Handler
“Luckily, coronavirus is going to reduce the number of students, too, so it works out.” Tanner Comish, Corporate Survivalist
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theonion--2020-09-01--Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 1, 2020

No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home .
Even if that home no @ @ @ @ @ and he has sneak in through its basement window late at night .

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
No man should be made to feel like a stranger in his own home. Even if that home no longer belongs to him, and he has sneak in through its basement window late at night.


theonion--2020-09-01--Conspiracy Theorist Worried His Credibility Undermined By Trump Retweeting Him

KING OF PRUSSIA , PA—Concerned his beliefs about a shadowy cabal of elites secretly ruling the world would not be taken seriously after they received the president ’ s endorsement , local man Brett Tisne expressed worry Tuesday that Donald Trump retweeting him would undermine his credibility as a conspiracy theorist .
“ I ’ ve spent years of my life researching this stuff , and then out of nowhere the president retweets me and makes me sound like a complete idiot , adding all this nonsense about a plane full of antifa soldiers trying to disrupt the GOP convention @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out a video to clarify his claims regarding a ring of satanic pedophiles that purportedly controls international affairs , explaining that Trump had obviously not read his work and appeared to have “ gone off the deep end ” into total paranoia .
“ If he retweets me again , my career ’ s over .
As it is , I ’ m not sure I ’ ll be able to show my face on 8kun again .
There ’ s no place in our community for unhinged views like the president ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re not careful , he ’ ll make us all into laughingstocks.
” At press time , reports confirmed Tisne was frantically trying to block Trump on Twitter after discovering the president had sent him a direct message .

KING OF PRUSSIA, PA—Concerned his beliefs about a shadowy cabal of elites secretly ruling the world would not be taken seriously after they received the president’s endorsement, local man Brett Tisne expressed worry Tuesday that Donald Trump retweeting him would undermine his credibility as a conspiracy theorist. “I’ve spent years of my life researching this stuff, and then out of nowhere the president retweets me and makes me sound like a complete idiot, adding all this nonsense about a plane full of antifa soldiers trying to disrupt the GOP convention,” said Tisne, who rushed out a video to clarify his claims regarding a ring of satanic pedophiles that purportedly controls international affairs, explaining that Trump had obviously not read his work and appeared to have “gone off the deep end” into total paranoia. “If he retweets me again, my career’s over. As it is, I’m not sure I’ll be able to show my face on 8kun again. There’s no place in our community for unhinged views like the president’s. None. If we’re not careful, he’ll make us all into laughingstocks.” At press time, reports confirmed Tisne was frantically trying to block Trump on Twitter after discovering the president had sent him a direct message.


theonion--2020-09-01--Amazon Wins FAA Approval For Drone Delivery

The Federal Aviation Administration has awarded Amazon an air carrier certificate , clearing the way for the e-commerce giant to @ @ @ @ @ to customers .
What do you think ?
“ This is a good interim measure @ @ @ @ @ a controlling st ake in the sky.
” “ I prefer to get my unmanned @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I guess I never realized real people were delivering my packages in the @ @ @ @

The Federal Aviation Administration has awarded Amazon an air carrier certificate, clearing the way for the e-commerce giant to begin testing unmanned aircraft deliveries to customers. What do you think?
“This is a good interim measure until Jeff Bezos can purchase a controlling st ake in the sky.” Sandy Milne • Whistle Maker
“I prefer to get my unmanned aircraft deliveries from small businesses.” Remmy Costa • Professional Hiker
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theonion--2020-09-01--Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist

WASHINGTON—Taking a firm stand ahead of his visit to the Wisconsin , President Donald Trump vigorously defended Kenosha shooter Kyle @ @ @ @ @ white supremacist .
“ People are taking his actions completely out of context , but @ @ @ @ @ realize this kid was a brave racist who crossed state lines to kill and injure @ @ @ @ @ ” said Trump , echoing the opinion being expressed by many popular voices across conservative @ @ @ @ @ shooter merely wanted to protect white America .
“ This a good , proud white @ @ @ @ @ as they come .
He had no choice .
The mob was challenging his worldview @ @ @ @ @ option but to kill those standing in opposition to his racist ideology .
Many are @ @ @ @ @ saying he only acted in self-defense , but the evidence reveals this was a kid @ @ @ @ @ state.
” At press time , Trump added he only wished Rittenhouse would have managed @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON—Taking a firm stand ahead of his visit to the Wisconsin , President Donald Trump vigorously defended Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse Tuesday as a racist white supremacist. “People are taking his actions completely out of context, but you’ve got to realize this kid was a brave racist who crossed state lines to kill and injure Black Lives Matter activists,” said Trump, echoing the opinion being expressed by many popular voices across conservative media and suggesting that the shooter merely wanted to protect white America. “This a good, proud white supremacist. As pure- blooded as they come. He had no choice. The mob was challenging his worldview and left him with no option but to kill those standing in opposition to his racist ideology. Many are trying to smear him by saying he only acted in self-defense, but the evidence reveals this was a kid who just loved the police state.” At press time, Trump added he only wished Rittenhouse would have managed to shoot more pr otesters.


theonion--2020-09-01--FDA Promises To Fast-Track Cure For Side Effects Of Fast-Tracked Covid Vaccine

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had already earmarked tens of millions of dollars toward funding the vital medication , the FDA reportedly promised Tuesday to fast-track a cure for the side effects of the fast-tracked Covid -19 vaccine .
“ Developing a response to address the effects of the accelerated coronavirus vaccine , whatever they end up being , is our number-one priority , ” said FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn , adding that the agency planned to bypass phase three testing and get the cure out on the market before the most debilitating side effects of the administration ’ s Covid -19 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have the initial data in place that tell us whether the coronavirus vaccine causes , for example , p rofuse vomiting , excruciating pain , or organ failure , we ’ ll be able to ensure that a cure will be available to Americans shortly after the vaccine .
We know how much widespread suffering the coronavirus has caused , and how much widespread suffering a fast-tracked , minimally tested vaccine is likely to cause , so we ’ re working to keep a cure for the as-yet-unknown side effects a top priority.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ also preparing to fast-track a cure for the side effects of the fast-tracked cure for the side effects of the coronavirus vaccine .

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they had already earmarked tens of millions of dollars toward funding the vital medication, the FDA reportedly promised Tuesday to fast-track a cure for the side effects of the fast-tracked Covid -19 vaccine. “Developing a response to address the effects of the accelerated coronavirus vaccine, whatever they end up being, is our number-one priority,” said FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn, adding that the agency planned to bypass phase three testing and get the cure out on the market before the most debilitating side effects of the administration’s Covid -19 vaccine became permanent. “Once we have the initial data in place that tell us whether the coronavirus vaccine causes, for example, p rofuse vomiting, excruciating pain, or organ failure, we’ll be able to ensure that a cure will be available to Americans shortly after the vaccine. We know how much widespread suffering the coronavirus has caused, and how much widespread suffering a fast-tracked, minimally tested vaccine is likely to cause, so we’re working to keep a cure for the as-yet-unknown side effects a top priority.” FDA officials additionally confirmed they were also preparing to fast-track a cure for the side effects of the fast-tracked cure for the side effects of the coronavirus vaccine.


theonion--2020-09-01--‘I Still Think The 1986 Boston Celtics Were Better,’ Says Bill Simmons Critiquing Wife’s Lasagna

LOS ANGELES—Waxing philosophic about the team ’ s chemistry and grit over the dinner table , media mogul Bill Simmons @ @ @ @ @ lasagna Tuesday by insisting that the 1985-1986 Boston Celtics were still better .
“ You @ @ @ @ @ , honey , but it doesn ’ t quite blend together like Bird , Parish @ @ @ @ @ said Simmons , insisting that the three-layered pasta dish simply was not as deep as @ @ @ @ @ Bill Walton off the bench .
“ I ’ ll admit that this lasagna is @ @ @ @ @ s kind of like the Hawks stealing a game from the Celtics in the second @ @ @ @ @ re talking about a team with Carlisle and DJ manning the backcourt—your meal just can @ @ @ @ @ press time , Simmons was doing damage control by comparing the speed his wife cleared @ @ @ @ @ ’ s 63-point performance against the Celtics in Game 2 during the first round of @ @ @ @ @ .

LOS ANGELES—Waxing philosophic about the team’s chemistry and grit over the dinner table, media mogul Bill Simmons critiqued his wife’s lasagna Tuesday by insisting that the 1985-1986 Boston Celtics were still better. “You made a great marinara sauce, honey, but it doesn’t quite blend together like Bird, Parish, and McHale,” said Simmons, insisting that the three-layered pasta dish simply was not as deep as the Celtics roster that brought Bill Walton off the bench. “I’ll admit that this lasagna is sneaky good. It’s kind of like the Hawks stealing a game from the Celtics in the second round. But we’re talking about a team with Carlisle and DJ manning the backcourt—your meal just can’t compare.” At press time, Simmons was doing damage control by comparing the speed his wife cleared the table to Michael Jordan’s 63-point performance against the Celtics in Game 2 during the first round of the 1986 Eastern Conference Playoffs.


theonion--2020-09-02--Friend Who Introduced Couple Not So High And Mighty Now That They’re Getting Divorced

HINSDALE , IL—Despite years of bragging about her matchmaking skills , Kelly Peerman , the friend who introduced local couple @ @ @ @ @ was not so high and mighty now that they were getting divorced , sources confirmed @ @ @ @ @ well , well , it looks like old cupid over here might have missed the @ @ @ @ @ ” said friend Erin Zhao , explaining how the self-appointed compatibility expert was no longer @ @ @ @ @ occasion to proudly recount how she helped arrange the relationship , especially after learning that @ @ @ @ @ that involved infidelity .
“ Not such hot shit now that she ’ s filing @ @ @ @ @ ?
Looks like the love genius will have to come down in the dirt with @ @ @ @ @ Zhao added that Peerman was also no longer so cocky about the fact that she @ @ @ @ @ the couple to have kids .

HINSDALE, IL—Despite years of bragging about her matchmaking skills, Kelly Peerman, the friend who introduced local couple Jordan and Melissa Gantner, was not so high and mighty now that they were getting divorced, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Well, well, well, it looks like old cupid over here might have missed the mark on this one,” said friend Erin Zhao, explaining how the self-appointed compatibility expert was no longer using every party as an occasion to proudly recount how she helped arrange the relationship, especially after learning that it was a bitter separation that involved infidelity. “Not such hot shit now that she’s filing a restraining order, huh? Looks like the love genius will have to come down in the dirt with the rest of us.” Zhao added that Peerman was also no longer so cocky about the fact that she was the one who pushed the couple to have kids.


theonion--2020-09-02--Pros And Cons Of Congressional Term Limits

The number of long-serving , elderly members of Congress has continued debate over whether limiting how many terms they can @ @ @ @ @ with detractors saying term limits could have negative consequences .
The Onion breaks down the @ @ @ @ @ term limits .
Many politicians seem much happier as lobbyists , public speakers , and @ @ @ @ @ of fresh new ideas for funding the military Would be fun to see all the @ @ @ @ @ one final unaccountable term rather than spreading it over whole career Short stints at jobs @ @ @ @ @ easier to print ballots with same names on them every year Do we really want @ @ @ @ @ to hold record for longest-serving congressman forever ?
Can take some newly elected officials several @ @ @ @ @ speak in public

The number of long-serving, elderly members of Congress has continued debate over whether limiting how many terms they can serve would be beneficial, with detractors saying term limits could have negative consequences. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of congressional term limits.
PRO
Many politicians seem much happier as lobbyists, public speakers, and talk show pundits
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Greater influx of fresh new ideas for funding the military
A statistically more sexually virile Congress
Euthanasia currently illegal
Would be fun to see all the scandals congressmen can cram into one final unaccountable term rather than spreading it over whole career
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CON
Short stints at jobs look bad on resumes
Much easier to print ballots with same names on them every year
Do we really want former Michigan Rep. John Dingell to hold record for longest-serving congressman forever?
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Can take some newly elected officials several terms to gather courage to speak in public
Exact type of check on power constitutional framers opposed


theonion--2020-09-02--Child Beauty Experts Recommend Revitalizing Skin With Elmer’s Glue Peel

GRAPEVINE , TX—Describing application of the household product as essential in order to always look one ’ s youngest , child beauty experts issued a recommendation Wednesday touting the benefits of regular , revitalizing Elmer ’ s glue peels .
“ There is nothing more satisfying than spreading a thin layer of Elmer ’ s Glue-All on your face or hands and peeling it off in one big piece when it dries , ” said local 8-year-old Madison Bently , who reportedly has three older sisters , demonstrating the proper way to daub the creamy white craft adhesive over one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ areas.
” “ You ’ re going to want to leave it on until it ’ s see-through and your face feels weird when you open your mouth .
For a full spa treatment , give yourself a Wite-Out manicure , draw all over your arms with permanent markers , and then lie back and relax while the paste sinks into your pores .
The results speak for themselves—just one glue peel a week will make you feel like you ’ re 5 again.
” At press time , household sources confirmed Bently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ superglue and glitter mask on Tucker , the family ’ s goldendoodle .

GRAPEVINE, TX—Describing application of the household product as essential in order to always look one’s youngest, child beauty experts issued a recommendation Wednesday touting the benefits of regular, revitalizing Elmer’s glue peels. “There is nothing more satisfying than spreading a thin layer of Elmer’s Glue-All on your face or hands and peeling it off in one big piece when it dries,” said local 8-year-old Madison Bently, who reportedly has three older sisters, demonstrating the proper way to daub the creamy white craft adhesive over one’s T-zone and other “problem areas.” “You’re going to want to leave it on until it’s see-through and your face feels weird when you open your mouth. For a full spa treatment, give yourself a Wite-Out manicure, draw all over your arms with permanent markers, and then lie back and relax while the paste sinks into your pores. The results speak for themselves—just one glue peel a week will make you feel like you’re 5 again.” At press time, household sources confirmed Bently was testing the effects of an exfoliating superglue and glitter mask on Tucker, the family’s goldendoodle.


theonion--2020-09-02--Appliance Shortage Hampers Labor Day Weekend Sales

Labor Day weekend sales will likely be greatly reduced this year as increased demand from consumers and reduced manufacturing capabilities @ @ @ @ @ stores to keep appliances in stock .
What do you think ?
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ t even know the meaning of Labor Day anymore.
” “ That can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ checked in the back ?
”

Labor Day weekend sales will likely be greatly reduced this year as increased demand from consumers and reduced manufacturing capabilities have made it difficult for stores to keep appliances in stock. What do you think?
“It’s like we don’t even know the meaning of Labor Day anymore.” Aaron Palmer • Pulp Strainer
“Man, America sure is getting inconvenient.” Nathaniel Baggs • Stairway Attendant
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theonion--2020-09-02--Economists Warn Americans That Money Withering To Ash In Their Hands Could Be Sign Of Recession

WASHINGTON—Calling the evidence “ troubling , ” researchers from the Economic Policy Institute issued a statement Wednesday warning Americans that money withering to ash in their hands could be a sign of a recession .
“ We found that numerous $ 5 bills suddenly turning into a powdery residue that slips through your fingers may be one of the strongest indicator that our country is heading toward a significant period of decline , ” said lead researcher Kevin White , who recommended that Americans prepare for what may be looming ahead by attempting to fruitlessly grab at the charred remains @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with the wind and spirals off into the horizon .
“ We ’ ve studied hundreds of cases across the country of Americans opening their wallets only to find nothing but cinders .
Originally , we were hoping this was a sign of a comeback , but it turns out things are looking rather dire .
This may be even worse than when money began fading slowly out of existence in 2008 .
At this rate , we fear that there may be no cash left by the end of Q3.
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to withdraw any money from their bank accounts , as they might suffocate in the sheer amount of ash .

WASHINGTON—Calling the evidence “troubling,” researchers from the Economic Policy Institute issued a statement Wednesday warning Americans that money withering to ash in their hands could be a sign of a recession. “We found that numerous $5 bills suddenly turning into a powdery residue that slips through your fingers may be one of the strongest indicator that our country is heading toward a significant period of decline,” said lead researcher Kevin White, who recommended that Americans prepare for what may be looming ahead by attempting to fruitlessly grab at the charred remains of their savings as it blows away with the wind and spirals off into the horizon. “We’ve studied hundreds of cases across the country of Americans opening their wallets only to find nothing but cinders. Originally, we were hoping this was a sign of a comeback, but it turns out things are looking rather dire. This may be even worse than when money began fading slowly out of existence in 2008. At this rate, we fear that there may be no cash left by the end of Q3.” At press time, White urged Americans not to withdraw any money from their bank accounts, as they might suffocate in the sheer amount of ash.


theonion--2020-09-02--Trump Visits Kenosha, Wisconsin Despite Pleas To Stay Away

Despite calls from the governor to stay away and allow residents to heal , President Trump on Tuesday toured Kenosha @ @ @ @ @ armed militant killed two people at a protest days after a police officer shot 29-year-old @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ Wow , I guess outside agitators really are flying into Wisconsin @ @ @ @ @ “ He had to let the destruction know it had his full support .
”

Despite calls from the governor to stay away and allow residents to heal, President Trump on Tuesday toured Kenosha, Wisconsin, where an armed militant killed two people at a protest days after a police officer shot 29-year-old Jacob Blake. What do you think?
“Wow, I guess outside agitators really are flying into Wisconsin to stir up trouble.” Tony Racano • Systems Analyst
“I, too, have fallen victim to Wisconsin’s irresistible pull.” Kathleen Amarchand • Plant Rescuer
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theonion--2020-09-02--Conscientious SUV Shopper Just Wants Something That Will Kill Family In Other Car In Case Of Acciden

Conscientious SUV Shopper Just Wants Something That Will Kill Family In Other Car In Case Of Accident

PRESCOTT , AZ—Explaining that she did not have any strong preferences when it came to make or model , area woman Laura Bauer , a conscientious SUV shopper , confirmed Wednesday that she just wanted something that would kill the family in the other car if she got into an accident .
“ All I ’ m looking for is a sturdy , reliable vehicle that , in the event of a head-on collision , will completely fucking obliterate both the parents and kids in the car we slam into , ” said Bauer , who explained that features such @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were not as important to her as the assurance that came from sitting behind the wheel of a machine that could turn anything else on the road into a fiery , tangled mess of metal and flesh .
“ I don ’ t need anything fancy , just a practical , midsize SUV that gets good mileage and will easily slaughter a family of five during a 60-mph crash .
The last thing I want is a flimsy sedan that takes out Mommy and Daddy in the front seat but leaves behind a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Bauer had reportedly decided to play it safe and add a 100-pound grille guard to the front bumper of the vehicle to ensure it would properly disfigure the other family ’ s corpses and make them impossible to identify .

PRESCOTT, AZ—Explaining that she did not have any strong preferences when it came to make or model, area woman Laura Bauer, a conscientious SUV shopper, confirmed Wednesday that she just wanted something that would kill the family in the other car if she got into an accident. “All I’m looking for is a sturdy, reliable vehicle that, in the event of a head-on collision, will completely fucking obliterate both the parents and kids in the car we slam into,” said Bauer, who explained that features such as a sunroof or built-in navigation system were not as important to her as the assurance that came from sitting behind the wheel of a machine that could turn anything else on the road into a fiery, tangled mess of metal and flesh. “I don’t need anything fancy, just a practical, midsize SUV that gets good mileage and will easily slaughter a family of five during a 60-mph crash. The last thing I want is a flimsy sedan that takes out Mommy and Daddy in the front seat but leaves behind a couple of orphans in the back.” At press time, Bauer had reportedly decided to play it safe and add a 100-pound grille guard to the front bumper of the vehicle to ensure it would properly disfigure the other family’s corpses and make them impossible to identify.


theonion--2020-09-02--Tyler Perry Expands Empire Into Central Banking System With Launch Of Tyler Perry’s Federal Reserve

ATLANTA—Stressing that he hoped to pave a way for future Black filmmakers-turned-financial-regulators , Tyler Perry announced Wednesday the expansion of @ @ @ @ @ central banking system with the launch of Tyler Perry ’ s Federal Reserve .
“ @ @ @ @ @ of ownership , so it only made sense to oversee a monetary system , ” @ @ @ @ @ clarifying that he would serve as acting Fed Chairman and occupy all board of governor @ @ @ @ @ ve cut out the middle man by setting a low interest rate to help bankroll @ @ @ @ @ able to establish a central bank in a little over a weekend—all it took was @ @ @ @ @ ’ m stabilizing prices and strengthening Tyler Perry ’ s standing in the world economy @ @ @ @ @ my success and realize that it is possible to start your own federal reserve.
” @ @ @ @ @ came under fire after using federal reserve funds to back a coup in the Independent @ @ @ @

ATLANTA—Stressing that he hoped to pave a way for future Black filmmakers-turned-financial-regulators, Tyler Perry announced Wednesday the expansion of his entertainment empire into a central banking system with the launch of Tyler Perry’s Federal Reserve. “I always emphasize the importance of ownership, so it only made sense to oversee a monetary system,” said the billionaire mogul, clarifying that he would serve as acting Fed Chairman and occupy all board of governor seats. “I’ve cut out the middle man by setting a low interest rate to help bankroll my productions and I was able to establish a central bank in a little over a weekend—all it took was some motivation. Now I’m stabilizing prices and strengthening Tyler Perry’s standing in the world economy. Hopefully people look at my success and realize that it is possible to start your own federal reserve.” At press time, Perry came under fire after using federal reserve funds to back a coup in the Independent State Of Perrytopia.


theonion--2020-09-02--Vermonter Disgusted After Getting Glimpse Of Topless Bridge Out In Public

BRATTLEBORO , VT—Expressing shock at the indecent architectural structure , local Vermont man Beau Colton told reporters Wednesday he was @ @ @ @ @ a topless bridge out in public .
“ I couldn ’ t believe it at @ @ @ @ @ was , right in broad daylight in the middle of the road , hanging out @ @ @ @ @ a visibly distressed Colton , confirming that though he had almost immediately averted his eyes @ @ @ @ @ bridge ’ s nude truss would likely be forever seared into his mind .
“ @ @ @ @ @ parts of the country where anything goes these days , but I never thought I @ @ @ @ @ a Vermont bridge making a fool of itself , sitting there without so much as @ @ @ @ @ , as naked as the day it was built.
” At press time , Colton @ @ @ @ @ the state of the world after passing by a maple tree with a completely exposed @ @

BRATTLEBORO, VT—Expressing shock at the indecent architectural structure, local Vermont man Beau Colton told reporters Wednesday he was aghast after catching sight of a topless bridge out in public. “I couldn’t believe it at first, but there it was, right in broad daylight in the middle of the road, hanging out completely uncovered,” said a visibly distressed Colton, confirming that though he had almost immediately averted his eyes, the image of the bridge’s nude truss would likely be forever seared into his mind. “I know there are some parts of the country where anything goes these days, but I never thought I’d live to see a Vermont bridge making a fool of itself, sitting there without so much as a piece of plywood on, as naked as the day it was built.” At press time, Colton had reportedly lost faith in the state of the world after passing by a maple tree with a completely exposed sap-hole.


theonion--2020-09-02--Study Confirms It Very Easy To Be Good Parent

Hear why , according to a new Duke University study , being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and @ @ @ @ @ be at all difficult , you ’ re probably doing it wrong .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why, according to a new Duke University study, being a decent parent is actually incredibly easy —and if you find it to be at all difficult, you’re probably doing it wrong.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-03--Zoologists Thrilled After Successfully Getting Pair Of Bengal Tigers To 69 In Captivity

Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat ’ s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

Hear why zoologists are calling the big cat’s act of mutual oral sex a major breakthrough in the field of animal behavior.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-03--Iowa State To Allow 25,000 Fans Into Stadium For Football Game

Iowa State University announced that 25,000 masked fans will be admitted into Jack Trice Stadium for the first football game @ @ @ @ @ as the state has seen a 92 % increase in new coronavirus cases over the @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ You don ’ t p ut that many lives at risk @ @ @ @ @ Alamo Bowl.
” “ Oh come on , there can ’ t possibly be that @ @ @ @ @ “ It just sucks that there ’ s no way to watch football remotely .
@

Iowa State University announced that 25,000 masked fans will be admitted into Jack Trice Stadium for the first football game of the season, even as the state has seen a 92% increase in new coronavirus cases over the last week. What do you think?
“You don’t p ut that many lives at risk for anything less than the Alamo Bowl.” Lance Taylor • Sock Merchant
“Oh come on, there can’t possibly be that many people in Iowa.” Vivienne Berry • Boxcar Designer
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theonion--2020-09-03--Akon Unveils Plans For $6 Billion ‘Futuristic City’

R & B singer Akon has revealed plans for Akon City , a multi-billion dollar high-tech city located 60 miles @ @ @ @ @ the musician says will trade in its own cryptocurrency called Akoin .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ m holding out to see what Ne-Yo ’ s futuristic city is like before I @ @ @ @ @ “ The moment I heard “ Smack That ” I knew this man was going @ @ @ @ @ “ I was a little skeptical , but then I heard it involves cryptocurrency .
@

R&B singer Akon has revealed plans for Akon City, a multi-billion dollar high-tech city located 60 miles outside the Senegalese capital that the musician says will trade in its own cryptocurrency called Akoin. What do you think?
“I’m holding out to see what Ne-Yo’s futuristic city is like before I commit to anything.” Kenneth Pickett • Systems Analyst
“The moment I heard “Smack That” I knew this man was going to change the world.” Paige Arthur • PTA Stenographer
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theonion--2020-09-03--Man Unsure Why He Doesn’t Feel Like Shit Today

MUSKEGON , MI—Expressing his confusion about the unexpected change in outlook , local man Grant Pierce was reportedly unsure Thursday @ @ @ @ @ feeling like total shit .
“ It ’ s so damn strange , I woke @ @ @ @ @ some reason I was struck with the possibi li t y that life might actually @ @ @ @ @ said a nonplussed Pierce , adding that he hadn ’ t made any lifestyle changes @ @ @ @ @ would explain his burgeoning sense that he was not trapped in an unceasing hell from @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It ’ s not even like I got a full night ’ s @ @ @ @ @ or anything , but in this moment I ’ m suffused with this calm that @ @ @ @ @ okay eventually .
I even cracked a smile while I was making my breakfast this @ @ @ @ @ t know what the hell is wrong with me.
” At press time , a @ @ @ @ @ the familiar sensation of abject misery had returned in full force .

MUSKEGON, MI—Expressing his confusion about the unexpected change in outlook, local man Grant Pierce was reportedly unsure Thursday why he wasn’t feeling like total shit. “It’s so damn strange, I woke up this morning and for some reason I was struck with the possibi li t y that life might actually be worth living,” said a nonplussed Pierce, adding that he hadn’t made any lifestyle changes or received any news that would explain his burgeoning sense that he was not trapped in an unceasing hell from which he would never escape. “It’s not even like I got a full night’s sleep or started eating healthier or anything, but in this moment I’m suffused with this calm that things might kind of be okay eventually. I even cracked a smile while I was making my breakfast this morning! I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me.” At press time, a relieved Pierce told reporters that the familiar sensation of abject misery had returned in full force.


theonion--2020-09-03--Excited Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Sign Deal With Netflix To Access Thousands Of Films, TV Shows Fo

Excited Prince Harry, Meghan Markle Sign Deal With Netflix To Access Thousands Of Films, TV Shows For Just $8.99 A Month

LOS ANGELES—Confirming reports of their joint foray into the entertainment industry , an excited Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Thursday they had signed a deal with Netflix to access thousands of films and TV shows for just $ 8.99 a month .
“ We couldn ’ t be more pleased to share that we ’ re joining the Netflix family , which offers countless reality shows , documentaries , and animated series that entertain and inspire us , ” said the couple , who reportedly inked the landmark deal following months of talks with other top streaming services including @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Disney+ .
“ This is an incredible opportunity .
All of these movies would normally cost hundreds of dollars to rent , or even thousands of dollars if we bought them all on DVD .
It ’ s exactly why we moved to California .
Of course , right now we can only stream on one device at a time , but when it ’ s time to renegotiate in a few years , we ’ re open to considering a premium plan .
” At press time , the couple ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Harry couldn ’ t remember their password .

LOS ANGELES—Confirming reports of their joint foray into the entertainment industry, an excited Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced Thursday they had signed a deal with Netflix to access thousands of films and TV shows for just $8.99 a month. “We couldn’t be more pleased to share that we’re joining the Netflix family, which offers countless reality shows, documentaries, and animated series that entertain and inspire us,” said the couple, who reportedly inked the landmark deal following months of talks with other top streaming services including Hulu, Amazon Prime Video, and Disney+. “This is an incredible opportunity. All of these movies would normally cost hundreds of dollars to rent, or even thousands of dollars if we bought them all on DVD. It’s exactly why we moved to California. Of course, right now we can only stream on one device at a time, but when it’s time to renegotiate in a few years, we’re open to considering a premium plan. ” At press time, the couple’s contract was reportedly in jeopardy after Prince Harry couldn’t remember their password.


theonion--2020-09-03--Total Bullshit: OGN Can’t Review ‘Marvel’s Avengers’ Because We Forgot Our Parents Are Sending Us To

Total Bullshit: OGN Can’t Review ‘Marvel’s Avengers’ Because We Forgot Our Parents Are Sending Us To Church Camp For 2 Weeks

Hey , readers .
You know that here at OGN , we pride ourselves on always delivering the most up-to-date insight and commentary on all things gaming , which is why it totally sucks to have to let you know that we can ’ t review Marvel ’ s Avengers because we forgot our parents are sending us to church camp for two weeks .
This is so dumb .
We tried telling them we don ’ t want to spend the end of summer in some leaky cabin learning about Christ ’ s teachings , but they won ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re really pissed about this because we were looking forward to letting you know if the latest action-adventure title from Crystal Dynamics would be as disappointing as the beta suggested , or if it would surprise audiences with a fully fleshed- out coming-of-age story .
Instead , we ’ re going to spend three hours every day in stupid Bible study , and pretty much the only cool thing is the ropes course , which doesn ’ t even look that fun !
How ’ s the gameplay ?
What ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ storyline track ?
We ’ d have some pretty awesome thoughts on all these aspects and more , but we ’ re completely up shit creek here because our parents want us removed from the influence of the secular world because of some horseshit they read in “ Christianity Today.
” Ugh , we hate this .
To be honest , we ’ re not even sure we totally believe in Christ anymore !
Now , one thing we will say is we ’ re reading the pamphlet and there ’ s a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your service day that sounds pretty cool .
Apparently , the youth pastor also teaches you how to play guitar at something called the Caritas Open Mic .
So we might check that out if we ’ re desperate .
Otherwise , though , it looks like you ’ ll have to enjoy it without us this time , gamers .
The good news is we made our parents promise that we could spend the whole weekend playing Marvel ’ s Avengers when we get back , so we ’ ll definitely have @ @ @ @ @ @

Hey, readers. You know that here at OGN, we pride ourselves on always delivering the most up-to-date insight and commentary on all things gaming, which is why it totally sucks to have to let you know that we can’t review Marvel’s Avengers because we forgot our parents are sending us to church camp for two weeks.
This is so dumb. We tried telling them we don’t want to spend the end of summer in some leaky cabin learning about Christ’s teachings, but they won’t listen!
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Honestly, gamers, we’re really pissed about this because we were looking forward to letting you know if the latest action-adventure title from Crystal Dynamics would be as disappointing as the beta suggested, or if it would surprise audiences with a fully fleshed- out coming-of-age story. Instead, we’re going to spend three hours every day in stupid Bible study, and pretty much the only cool thing is the ropes course, which doesn’t even look that fun!
How’s the gameplay? What’s the overall playability? Does the storyline track? We’d have some pretty awesome thoughts on all these aspects and more, but we’re completely up shit creek here because our parents want us removed from the influence of the secular world because of some horseshit they read in “ Christianity Today.”
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Ugh, we hate this. To be honest, we’re not even sure we totally believe in Christ anymore!
Now, one thing we will say is we’re reading the pamphlet and there’s a paintball course as a reward for completing your service day that sounds pretty cool. Apparently, the youth pastor also teaches you how to play guitar at something called the Caritas Open Mic. So we might check that out if we’re desperate.
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Otherwise, though, it looks like you’ll have to enjoy it without us this time, gamers. The good news is we made our parents promise that we could spend the whole weekend playing Marvel’s Avengers when we get back, so we’ll definitely have a review for you then!


theonion--2020-09-03--Spotify Celebrates 100th Dollar Given To Artists

NEW YORK—Proudly declaring that they never thought they ’ d see the day their vision would finally be realized , streaming service Spotify reportedly celebrated Thursday the platform ’ s 100th dollar given to artists .
“ When we launched Spotify in 2008 , our mission was to reward artists when customers listened to music , and today , we finally reached three figures in artist payouts , ” said Spotify CEO Daniel Ek , posing with a giant check for a $ 0.00000029 payout to Dua Lipa for her song “ Break My Heart ” that propelled the world @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 100 in earnings .
“ This is an absolute milestone for a musician-oriented platform like Spotify , and confirms what we believed when we started , which is that music-streaming platforms can be a reliable way to help bands and artists earn pennies or even nickels for their work .
But this achievement is really about the artists on our platform .
Spotify couldn ’ t have done it without you.
” To celebrate the occasion , Spotify also reportedly unveiled a new commemorative playlist of its highest-earning artists , with all proceeds @ @ @ @ @ @

NEW YORK—Proudly declaring that they never thought they’d see the day their vision would finally be realized, streaming service Spotify reportedly celebrated Thursday the platform’s 100th dollar given to artists. “When we launched Spotify in 2008, our mission was to reward artists when customers listened to music, and today, we finally reached three figures in artist payouts,” said Spotify CEO Daniel Ek, posing with a giant check for a $0.00000029 payout to Dua Lipa for her song “Break My Heart” that propelled the world’s musicians past a collective $100 in earnings. “This is an absolute milestone for a musician-oriented platform like Spotify, and confirms what we believed when we started, which is that music-streaming platforms can be a reliable way to help bands and artists earn pennies or even nickels for their work. But this achievement is really about the artists on our platform. Spotify couldn’t have done it without you.” To celebrate the occasion, Spotify also reportedly unveiled a new commemorative playlist of its highest-earning artists, with all proceeds from plays going to Spotify.


theonion--2020-09-03--Female Yankee Fan Tired Of Having To Prove She Genuine Asshole

FAIR LAWN , NJ—Expressing frustration that her decades of dismissive arrogance meant nothing to some people , Yankees fan Emma @ @ @ @ @ was tired of having to prove that she ’ s a genuine asshole .
“ @ @ @ @ @ pinstripes and they just assume I ’ m just pretending to be a huge prick @ @ @ @ @ who credited her father for imbuing her with a deep lifelong commitment to being a @ @ @ @ @ runner .
“ I ’ m just as obnoxious as any die-hard Yankees fan .
@ @ @ @ @ to games , flipping off opposing players , and making homophobic jokes since I was @ @ @ @ @ m not new here—this runs deep in my blood.
” At press time , Parker @ @ @ @ @ by posting a photo of her rare signed D erek Jeter restraining order .

FAIR LAWN, NJ—Expressing frustration that her decades of dismissive arrogance meant nothing to some people, Yankees fan Emma Parker admitted Thursday that she was tired of having to prove that she’s a genuine asshole. “People look at me wearing pinstripes and they just assume I’m just pretending to be a huge prick,” said Parker, who credited her father for imbuing her with a deep lifelong commitment to being a condescending, whiny little front- runner. “I’m just as obnoxious as any die-hard Yankees fan. I’ve been going to games, flipping off opposing players, and making homophobic jokes since I was a kid. I’m not new here—this runs deep in my blood.” At press time, Parker hoped to prove her bonafides by posting a photo of her rare signed D erek Jeter restraining order.