theonion--2020-10-23--Bob Dylan Not Exactly Rising To Occasion As Far As Current Protest Music Goes

NEW YORK—In a nation mired in a deadly pandemic , mass civilian street actions , widespread environmental degradation , and collapsing institutions under the fourth year of Donald Trump ’ s presidency , it had become clear to sources Friday that Bob Dylan was not exactly rising to the occasion as far as his current protest music goes .
“ Seriously , we ’ re in this terrible moment full of awful crises and wanton violence , which really should be easy fodder for even a half-decent protest singer , and here Bob Dylan can ’ t even get his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” sources said , adding that apparently the so-called Voice of a Generation couldn ’ t cobble together at least one extended metaphor that fiercely and poetically captured the current situation for a 2020 audience .
“ We gave you a Nobel Prize for Literature , and for what ?
So you can release some esoteric 17-minute song about the Kennedy assassination in goddamn March and call it a day ?
We ’ re still droning people in half a dozen countries , for Christ ’ s sake .
Look , you have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yet grand statement that perfectly summarizes the current maelstrom of blame and chaos like ‘ Blowin ’ In The Wind ’ or ‘ The Times They Are A-Changin ’ ’ would be ideal , obviously , but if you would rather hone in on some specific episode of social injustice that serves as a microcosm of a commentary on systemic issues , like ‘ Hurricane ’ or ‘ The Lonesome Death Of Hattie Carroll , ’ that works too .
Your lyrics don ’ t even rhyme .
All you have to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just poignantly and pointedly attack the actions of the Trump administration , or really any other aspect of our present moment .
It ’ s not like we ’ re lacking for subject matter .
Jesus , Bob , get your shit together.
” Sources added that they would give Dylan the rest of the month to release something as galvanizing and timelessly true as “ Masters Of War .
”

NEW YORK—In a nation mired in a deadly pandemic, mass civilian street actions, widespread environmental degradation, and collapsing institutions under the fourth year of Donald Trump’s presidency, it had become clear to sources Friday that Bob Dylan was not exactly rising to the occasion as far as his current protest music goes. “Seriously, we’re in this terrible moment full of awful crises and wanton violence, which really should be easy fodder for even a half-decent protest singer, and here Bob Dylan can’t even get his shit together for a three-minute tune,” sources said, adding that apparently the so-called Voice of a Generation couldn’t cobble together at least one extended metaphor that fiercely and poetically captured the current situation for a 2020 audience. “We gave you a Nobel Prize for Literature, and for what? So you can release some esoteric 17-minute song about the Kennedy assassination in goddamn March and call it a day? We’re still droning people in half a dozen countries, for Christ’s sake. Look, you have a lot of options here—some sparsely instrumented yet grand statement that perfectly summarizes the current maelstrom of blame and chaos like ‘Blowin’ In The Wind’ or ‘The Times They Are A-Changin’’ would be ideal, obviously, but if you would rather hone in on some specific episode of social injustice that serves as a microcosm of a commentary on systemic issues, like ‘Hurricane’ or ‘The Lonesome Death Of Hattie Carroll,’ that works too. Your lyrics don’t even rhyme. All you have to do is sit down with a guitar and just poignantly and pointedly attack the actions of the Trump administration, or really any other aspect of our present moment. It’s not like we’re lacking for subject matter. Jesus, Bob, get your shit together.” Sources added that they would give Dylan the rest of the month to release something as galvanizing and timelessly true as “Masters Of War.”


theonion--2020-10-23--Researchers Discover New Organ In Human Head

Scientists at the Netherlands Cancer Institute have found a previously unknown set of salivary glands that sit behind the nose @ @ @ @ @ throat , a discovery they say was made accidentally while examining a new kind of @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Wow , so we have six organs ?
That ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d always wondered what the head was for.
” “ It ’ s incredible @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t know about the backs of our own throats .
”

Scientists at the Netherlands Cancer Institute have found a previously unknown set of salivary glands that sit behind the nose and help moisten the upper throat, a discovery they say was made accidentally while examining a new kind of cancer imaging technology. What do you think?
“Wow, so we have six organs? That’s crazy.” Cal Ortiz • Glue Chemist
“I’d always wondered what the head was for.” Laurel Altmeyer • Mulch Guru
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theonion--2020-10-23--Tampa Bay Awards Ceremonial First Pitch Of World Series Game To Stingray That Killed Steve Irwin

ARLINGTON , TX—Praising the cartilaginous fish for embodying the spirit of Tampa , the Rays awarded the ceremonial first pitch @ @ @ @ @ to the stingray who killed Steve Irwin .
“ This stingray is a pillar of @ @ @ @ @ s stuck with us through some tough times , so it ’ s only right @ @ @ @ @ put rays on the map , ” said GM Erik Neander , who credited the @ @ @ @ @ a pitchman for free agent signings like Charlie Morton and Hunter Renfroe .
“ This @ @ @ @ @ in the face of an aggressive attack .
The members of the Tampa Bay Rays @ @ @ @ @ his story .
Despite the controversy around him , we maintain that he was protecting @ @ @ @ @ wildlife expert.
” At press time , the Dodgers announced plans to hold a 15-minute @ @ @ @ @ “ Night Stalker ” Richard Ramirez ahead of Game 5 .

ARLINGTON,TX—Praising the cartilaginous fish for embodying the spirit of Tampa, the Rays awarded the ceremonial first pitch of World Series Game 3 to the stingray who killed Steve Irwin. “This stingray is a pillar of the community, he’s stuck with us through some tough times, so it’s only right to honor the fish who put rays on the map,” said GM Erik Neander, who credited the stingray’s role as a pitchman for free agent signings like Charlie Morton and Hunter Renfroe. “This stingray showed bravery and spirit in the face of an aggressive attack. The members of the Tampa Bay Rays organization were always inspired by his story. Despite the controversy around him, we maintain that he was protecting his habitat from a so-called wildlife expert.” At press time, the Dodgers announced plans to hold a 15-minute tribute to local legend the “Night Stalker” Richard Ramirez ahead of Game 5.


theonion--2020-10-23--Average Overdraft Fees Reach Record High

According to a study from the personal finance company Bankrate , the average overdraft fee in the U.S. this year @ @ @ @ @ $ 0.11 increase from 2019 and the highest level on record .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ just be grateful that banks allow us to access our money at all.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ not a big fan of fees , but I do like seeing records broken .
@

According to a study from the personal finance company Bankrate, the average overdraft fee in the U.S. this year is $33.47, an $0.11 increase from 2019 and the highest level on record. What do you think?
“We should just be grateful that banks allow us to access our money at all.” Patrick Myrin • Systems Analyst
“Overdraft fees are a small price to pay for terrible customer service.” Simone Korda • Second Trombonist
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theonion--2020-10-23--Should Republicans Distance Themselves From Trump Or Double Down On Support?

President Trump ’ s sinking poll numbers have led to reports that some Republican leaders are trying to distance themselves from him , while others are being even more vocal in their support to appeal to his dedicated fanbase .
The Onion evaluates the reasons why Republicans might decide whether to distance themselves from him or double down on their support .
Reasons To Distance Themselves From Trump Insulation in case Trump commits some kind of embarrassing blunder before election Historically pretty easy to flip-flop on this position without consequence Knowing deep down it ’ d be cool to receive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ constituents no matter who ’ s in charge There ’ s no fucking way he ’ s coming back from that Access Hollywood tape Reasons To Double Down On Support Still two months after election to get big contracts for friends Hey , the guy ’ s an asshole , but he ’ s super dialed in to the scene , so he ’ s a good professional contact to keep Deep down , some Republicans might even share his hatred of women and minorities In their hour of need , Trump would @ @ @ @ @ @

President Trump’s sinking poll numbers have led to reports that some Republican leaders are trying to distance themselves from him, while others are being even more vocal in their support to appeal to his dedicated fanbase. The Onion evaluates the reasons why Republicans might decide whether to distance themselves from him or double down on their support.
Reasons To Distance Themselves From Trump
Insulation in case Trump commits some kind of embarrassing blunder before election
Historically pretty easy to flip-flop on this position without consequence
Knowing deep down it’d be cool to receive a Trump nickname
Always possible to betray constituents no matter who’s in charge
There’s no fucking way he’s coming back from that Access Hollywood tape
Reasons To Double Down On Support
Confirmed with lawyer that hypocrisy isn’t a punishable crime
Still two months after election to get big contracts for friends
Hey, the guy’s an asshole, but he’s super dialed in to the scene, so he’s a good professional contact to keep
Deep down, some Republicans might even share his hatred of women and minorities
In their hour of need, Trump would surely do the same for them


theonion--2020-10-23--Steve Mnuchin, Nancy Pelosi Announce Meeting To Put Finishing Touches On 1,000-Piece ‘Starry Night’

Steve Mnuchin, Nancy Pelosi Announce Meeting To Put Finishing Touches On 1,000-Piece ‘Starry Night’ Jigsaw Puzzle

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they were closer than ever to reaching a mutually satisfying result , Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced Friday a meeting to put the finishing touches on a 1,000-piece ‘ Starry Night ’ jigsaw puzzle .
“ We are pleased that , after months of tense negotiations , we ’ re on the verge finishing this terrific puzzle of one of Van Gogh ’ s most critically important works , ” said Mnuchin and Pelosi in a joint statement , adding that they had made a major breakthrough in assembling the pieces @ @ @ @ @ @ @ puzzle would reflect the enormous amount of work put into it by dozens of members of the Trump administration and Democratic House leadership .
“ We really want to get his puzzle done before the election , but it ’ s also important not to rush things and jam pieces of the night sky together that don ’ t actually fit .
It ’ s true that we hoped to get the puzzle done faster when we started in June , but even working on it day and night , it takes time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are still some sticking points , like whether a few of the border pieces are lost for good or whether they ’ re just in a couch cushion somewhere in the Oval Office , but as soon as we find those and finish the cypress tree , we ’ ll be all ready to present it to the public.
” Pelosi and Mnuchin admitted that it still might be hard to reach an agreement with Senate Republicans , who so far had rejected the offers of doing a puzzle entirely and seemed unlikely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Risk .

WASHINGTON—Declaring that they were closer than ever to reaching a mutually satisfying result, Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi announced Friday a meeting to put the finishing touches on a 1,000-piece ‘ Starry Night’ jigsaw puzzle. “We are pleased that, after months of tense negotiations, we’re on the verge finishing this terrific puzzle of one of Van Gogh’s most critically important works,” said Mnuchin and Pelosi in a joint statement, adding that they had made a major breakthrough in assembling the pieces of the village and hoped the finished puzzle would reflect the enormous amount of work put into it by dozens of members of the Trump administration and Democratic House leadership. “We really want to get his puzzle done before the election, but it’s also important not to rush things and jam pieces of the night sky together that don’t actually fit. It’s true that we hoped to get the puzzle done faster when we started in June, but even working on it day and night, it takes time to assemble so many pieces. There are still some sticking points, like whether a few of the border pieces are lost for good or whether they’re just in a couch cushion somewhere in the Oval Office, but as soon as we find those and finish the cypress tree, we’ll be all ready to present it to the public.” Pelosi and Mnuchin admitted that it still might be hard to reach an agreement with Senate Republicans, who so far had rejected the offers of doing a puzzle entirely and seemed unlikely to agree to anything except a game of Risk.


theonion--2020-10-23--Trump Storms Back Into Interview While Leslie Stahl Eating Lunch At Home

NEW YORK—Rattling off accusations of anti-Republican bias as he burst through her kitchen , President Donald Trump reportedly stormed back into his 60 Minutes interview Friday while Leslie Stahl was eating lunch at her home .
“ Well , well , well , classic radical left-wing news media—48 hours after my interview , and you ’ re already sitting at home and relaxing like it ’ s over , ” said the 45th president of the United States , who , after ordering Secret Service agents to kick down the door to Stahl ’ s apartment , told her he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” slapped a forkful of roasted brussels sprouts out of her hand , and launched into a rant about how unprofessional she was to be eating on the job .
“ Don ’ t interrupt me !
You said a lot of nasty , inconsiderate things two day s ago , and now I know exactly how I ’ m going to respond .
Just wait until the public sees this—not only are you drinking wine , but you ’ re not wearing a mask or practicing social distancing .
Now , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to sit down , give me a plate of whatever you ’ re eating , and give me 15 more minutes , on my terms.
” At press time , Trump reportedly made several unsuccessful attempts to flip the table and then stormed out after Stahl again pressed the president on his coronavirus response .

NEW YORK—Rattling off accusations of anti-Republican bias as he burst through her kitchen, President Donald Trump reportedly stormed back into his 60 Minutes interview Friday while Leslie Stahl was eating lunch at her home. “Well, well, well, classic radical left-wing news media—48 hours after my interview, and you’re already sitting at home and relaxing like it’s over,” said the 45th president of the United States, who, after ordering Secret Service agents to kick down the door to Stahl’s apartment, told her he “wasn’t done talking yet,” slapped a forkful of roasted brussels sprouts out of her hand, and launched into a rant about how unprofessional she was to be eating on the job. “Don’t interrupt me! You said a lot of nasty, inconsiderate things two day s ago, and now I know exactly how I’m going to respond. Just wait until the public sees this—not only are you drinking wine, but you’re not wearing a mask or practicing social distancing. Now, you’re going to invite me to sit down, give me a plate of whatever you’re eating, and give me 15 more minutes, on my terms.” At press time, Trump reportedly made several unsuccessful attempts to flip the table and then stormed out after Stahl again pressed the president on his coronavirus response.


theonion--2020-10-25--Buccaneers Unnerved By Jason Pierre-Paul Celebrating Touchdowns By Lighting Fireworks On Sideline

PARADISE , NV—Holding their breath as he threw firecracker after firecracker at the Gatorade jug , members of the Tampa @ @ @ @ @ Sunday by Jason Pierre-Paul celebrating touchdowns by lighting fireworks on the sideline .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ , pop , pop , ’ and whipped around to see Jason lighting another one @ @ @ @ @ get them from ?
” said linebacker Devin White , who claimed that , in @ @ @ @ @ , Pierre-Paul had spent the entire third quarter setting up a display for the end- @ @ @ @ @ “ Christ , he ’ s got one called the ‘ Powder K eg ’ @ @ @ @ @ my bicep .
Should we call security ?
B ecause I thought he was gon @ @ @ @ @ off all the bottle rockets at halftime .
Oh fuck , there goes his foot.
@ @ @ @ @ at home were dazzled as Pierre-Paul ’ s exploding arm spelled out ‘ Go Bucs @ @ @ @

PARADISE, NV—Holding their breath as he threw firecracker after firecracker at the Gatorade jug, members of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers were reportedly unnerved Sunday by Jason Pierre-Paul celebrating touchdowns by lighting fireworks on the sideline. “I heard this loud ‘ pop, pop, pop,’ and whipped around to see Jason lighting another one. Where does he even get them from?” said linebacker Devin White, who claimed that, in last week’s game, Pierre-Paul had spent the entire third quarter setting up a display for the end- of- the- game celebration. “Christ, he’s got one called the ‘Powder K eg’ that’s bigger than my bicep. Should we call security? B ecause I thought he was gonna lose an eye shooting off all the bottle rockets at halftime. Oh fuck, there goes his foot.” At press time viewers at home were dazzled as Pierre-Paul’s exploding arm spelled out ‘Go Bucs’ in blood.


theonion--2020-10-26--Aaron Sorkin Defends Taking Liberties With Scene In Which All Members Of Chicago 7 Endorse Joe Biden

LOS ANGELES—Addressing criticism about the film during a press junket in support of its streaming release , director Aaron Sorkin told reporters Monday that he stood by taking liberties with a scene in The Trial Of The Chicago 7 in which every member of the group announces their unequivocal endorsement of Joe Biden .
“ Look , we may have taken some creative license here and there , but the spirit of the Chicago 7 has absolutely been preserved by having these protesters offer their full-throated support to Joe Biden ’ s presidential bid , ” said the director , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all of the defendants in the trial for their incitement to riot look directly into the camera and emotionally declare “ Joe Biden is the right man for the job !
” over the judge ’ s strenuous objections .
“ Now , obviously , is the movie mostly about the 1968 Vietnam protests ?
Of course .
But would we have served [ Yippy founder ] Abbie Hoffman ’ s memory better by removing the heartbreaking moment where he breaks down in tears under cross-examination , stands up his seat , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m not sure we see eye to eye on everything , but I fervently agree with Joe Biden that we must restore the soul of this country ’ ?
I don ’ t think so .
Just think about it .
These men were progressives ; many people who support Joe Biden now are progressives .
So , if you really examine things , this is exactly what would ’ ve happened.
” At press time , Sorkin had abruptly backpedaled after a follow-up question on an episode in The West Wing ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ played by Martin Sheen , John Spencer , and Bradley Whitford discover Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction during a routine diplomatic visit to Iraq .

LOS ANGELES—Addressing criticism about the film during a press junket in support of its streaming release, director Aaron Sorkin told reporters Monday that he stood by taking liberties with a scene in The Trial Of The Chicago 7 in which every member of the group announces their unequivocal endorsement of Joe Biden. “Look, we may have taken some creative license here and there, but the spirit of the Chicago 7 has absolutely been preserved by having these protesters offer their full-throated support to Joe Biden’s presidential bid,” said the director, who repeatedly stood by the moment when all of the defendants in the trial for their incitement to riot look directly into the camera and emotionally declare “Joe Biden is the right man for the job!” over the judge’s strenuous objections. “Now, obviously, is the movie mostly about the 1968 Vietnam protests? Of course. But would we have served [Yippy founder] Abbie Hoffman’s memory better by removing the heartbreaking moment where he breaks down in tears under cross-examination, stands up his seat, and shouts ‘Your honor, I’m not sure we see eye to eye on everything, but I fervently agree with Joe Biden that we must restore the soul of this country’? I don’t think so. Just think about it. These men were progressives; many people who support Joe Biden now are progressives. So, if you really examine things, this is exactly what would’ve happened.”At press time, Sorkin had abruptly backpedaled after a follow-up question on an episode in The West Wing’s third season in which the characters played by Martin Sheen, John Spencer, and Bradley Whitford discover Saddam Hussein has weapons of mass destruction during a routine diplomatic visit to Iraq.


theonion--2020-10-26--Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visu

Frustrated Political Scientist Patton Oswalt Attempts To Explain Gerrymandering Without Help Of Visual Aids

OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice , but this time on a podcast .
Will @ @ @ @ @ voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps @ @ @ @ @ new generation of creators .
Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

OPR election expert Patton Oswalt attempts to explain the controversial practice, but this time on a podcast. Will he be able to show voters how gerrymandering affects their ballot without using any of his usual charts or maps?
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-26--Study Finds Male Chimps Mellow With Age

Study Finds Male Chimps Mellow With Age

Primatologists at Tufts University say that much like humans , male chimps become less aggressive as they age and maintain @ @ @ @ @ friends .
What do you think ?
“ Oh , yeah .
I became a @ @ @ @ @ more on my friendships and less on trying to rip off the faces and testicles @ @ @ @ @ That ’ s why I only hang out with chimps of a certain age .
@

Primatologists at Tufts University say that much like humans, male chimps become less aggressive as they age and maintain close long-term relationships with established friends. What do you think?
“I’ve always compared chimps to fine wine.” Vanessa Gilbert • Box Flattener
“Oh, yeah. I became a lot happier when I focused more on my friendships and less on trying to rip off the faces and testicles of my rivals.” Colin Bozek • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-10-26--Republicans Rushing To Confirm 6 More Supreme Court Justices Before Election

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were under a tight deadline , Senate Republicans told reporters Monday they were rushing to confirm six more Supreme Court justices before the election .
“ We ’ ve been moving so fast with the Amy Coney Barrett confirmation because there are six more sets of hearings and votes we want to finish within the next week , ” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell , noting that Republicans wanted to make sure , while they still held power to sidestep any Democrat complaints , that they curated a diverse selection of nuanced conservative opinions on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decades .
“ We ’ re already planning to double up on a couple of the hearings by simultaneously questioning a judge from Virginia with two months of experience and some other judge I ’ ve never heard of but who ’ s already been vetted by the Federalist Society .
Hopefully , all six are confirmed and sitting on the bench before the American people have their say at the polls.
” At press time , all six conservative justices had been confirmed to the Supreme Court and Republican senators had announced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in 10 more spontaneous confirmations before election day .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were under a tight deadline, Senate Republicans told reporters Monday they were rushing to confirm six more Supreme Court justices before the election. “We’ve been moving so fast with the Amy Coney Barrett confirmation because there are six more sets of hearings and votes we want to finish within the next week,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, noting that Republicans wanted to make sure, while they still held power to sidestep any Democrat complaints, that they curated a diverse selection of nuanced conservative opinions on the court to rule for the next few decades. “We’re already planning to double up on a couple of the hearings by simultaneously questioning a judge from Virginia with two months of experience and some other judge I’ve never heard of but who’s already been vetted by the Federalist Society. Hopefully, all six are confirmed and sitting on the bench before the American people have their say at the polls.” At press time, all six conservative justices had been confirmed to the Supreme Court and Republican senators had announced they were going to try to fit in 10 more spontaneous confirmations before election day.


theonion--2020-10-26--Armenia, Azerbaijan Announce They Will Only Agree To Ceasefire That Allows Them To Still Shoot Missi

Armenia, Azerbaijan Announce They Will Only Agree To Ceasefire That Allows Them To Still Shoot Missiles At Each Other

BAKU , AZERBAIJAN—During peace talks over the long-disputed territory of Nagorno-Karabakh , officials from both Armenia and Azerbaijan announced Monday they would only agree to a ceasefire if it included a provision that allowed them to continue shooting missiles at each other .
“ After decades of conflict , I truly believe we are on the verge of a diplomatic breakthrough , so long as any agreement to pause hostilities recognizes our absolute right to launch ballistic missiles and carry out bombing raids against our adversary , ” Azeri President Ilhan Aliyev said in a statement that was echoed by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for which refusing to stop missile strikes and the shelling of civilian residences was a strict precondition .
“ We ’ ve been able to find common ground on many issues , especially the need for any truce to include language that preserves the ability of each side to fire explosive devices at the other .
That ’ s nonnegotiable , of course .
Once we have a ceasefire in place , it is my hope we will sign a permanent treaty that allows us to lay down our arms and , apart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ village , live in peace.
” Both Armenia and Azerbaijan reassured the international community that during a ceasefire the use of all other weapons , including guns and hand grenades , would be strictly limited to close-quarter combat situations in which missiles weren ’ t an option .

BAKU, AZERBAIJAN—During peace talks over the long-disputed territory of Nagorno-Karabakh, officials from both Armenia and Azerbaijan announced Monday they would only agree to a ceasefire if it included a provision that allowed them to continue shooting missiles at each other. “After decades of conflict, I truly believe we are on the verge of a diplomatic breakthrough, so long as any agreement to pause hostilities recognizes our absolute right to launch ballistic missiles and carry out bombing raids against our adversary,” Azeri President Ilhan Aliyev said in a statement that was echoed by Armenian authorities and followed days of negotiations for which refusing to stop missile strikes and the shelling of civilian residences was a strict precondition. “We’ve been able to find common ground on many issues, especially the need for any truce to include language that preserves the ability of each side to fire explosive devices at the other. That’s nonnegotiable, of course. Once we have a ceasefire in place, it is my hope we will sign a permanent treaty that allows us to lay down our arms and, apart from the occasional incineration of an entire village, live in peace.” Both Armenia and Azerbaijan reassured the international community that during a ceasefire the use of all other weapons, including guns and hand grenades, would be strictly limited to close-quarter combat situations in which missiles weren’t an option.


theonion--2020-10-26--U.S. Hits Record Coronavirus Cases 2 Days In A Row

The United States reported 83,757 new Covid-19 cases on Friday and 83,718 cases on Saturday , both days surpassing the @ @ @ @ @ mid-July , which experts say will likely lead to more hospitalizations and deaths this winter @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I just can ’ t get ov er how social everyone in this @ @ @ @ @ , come on .
There ’ s always 83,757 new cases of something or other.
@ @ @ @ @ cases to go down , correct ?
”

The United States reported 83,757 new Covid-19 cases on Friday and 83,718 cases on Saturday, both days surpassing the previous record of 77,300 from mid-July, which experts say will likely lead to more hospitalizations and deaths this winter. What do you think?
“I just can’t get ov er how social everyone in this country is.” Louis Roderick • Moped Mechanic
“Oh, come on. There’s always 83,757 new cases of something or other.” Stacy Bates • Rug Weaver
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theonion--2020-10-26--Frustrated Habitat For Humanity Workers Forced To Shoo Jimmy Carter Out Of Yet Another House

ATLANTA —Expressing their revulsion at the extent of the infestation , frustrated Habitat f or Humanity workers were forced to @ @ @ @ @ yet another house , sources confirmed Monday “ Oh G od , it looks like @ @ @ @ @ in the attic , which means he ’ s probably been up here for weeks @ @ @ @ @ Phippin , using a broom to bat at the 96-year-old former president as he skittered @ @ @ @ @ “ You might not know it to look at him , but he can be @ @ @ @ @ have to be careful not to let him escape further into the house .
If @ @ @ @ @ I might have to try baiting him into the yard with some peanuts.
” At @ @ @ @ @ that at least Jimmy Carter was a har mless nuisance unlike some of the really @ @ @ @ @ deal with at the Clinton Foundation

ATLANTA —Expressing their revulsion at the extent of the infestation, frustrated Habitat f or Humanity workers were forced to shoo Jimmy Carter out of yet another house, sources confirmed Monday “Oh G od, it looks like he made himself a nest in the attic, which means he’s probably been up here for weeks,” said volunteer Deborah Phippin, using a broom to bat at the 96-year-old former president as he skittered hissing into a corner. “You might not know it to look at him, but he can be very wily, so you have to be careful not to let him escape further into the house. If things get really desperate, I might have to try baiting him into the yard with some peanuts.” At press time, Phippin conceded that at least Jimmy Carter was a har mless nuisance unlike some of the really pernicious pests they had to deal with at the Clinton Foundation


theonion--2020-10-26--Fed-Up Lifelong Conservative To Cast Vote For Biden, Family Member Inaccurately Reports

ATLANTA—Having lost all confidence in President Trump ’ s abilities , fed-up lifelong conservative Jerry Holden was planning on casting @ @ @ @ @ , family member Gina Rupert inaccurately reported Monday .
“ Dad has been a staunch @ @ @ @ @ , but he ’ s sick and tired of Trump and finally said ‘ Enough @ @ @ @ @ whatever else he had to to get me and my liberal siblings off his back @ @ @ @ @ in a viral social media post , which included a photo of her father smiling @ @ @ @ @ could now vote for his preferred candidate in peace .
“ He took one look @ @ @ @ @ and declared , ‘ I ’ m voting for Biden [ if that will get @ @ @ @ @ .
We ’ re really amazed .
This is the first time he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ This really shows how people can change—and hopefully this country , too.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ a straight Republican ticket .

ATLANTA—Having lost all confidence in President Trump’s abilities, fed-up lifelong conservative Jerry Holden was planning on casting his vote for Joe Biden, family member Gina Rupert inaccurately reported Monday. “ Dad has been a staunch Republican for over 40 years, but he’s sick and tired of Trump and finally said ‘Enough is enough’ [and whatever else he had to to get me and my liberal siblings off his back],” Rupert wrote in a viral social media post, which included a photo of her father smiling for the camera knowing he could now vote for his preferred candidate in peace. “He took one look at the state of things and declared, ‘I’m voting for Biden [if that will get you to shut up]. We’re really amazed. This is the first time he’s ever supported a Democrat. This really shows how people can change—and hopefully this country, too.” At press time, Holden had voted a straight Republican ticket.


theonion--2020-10-26--Wildfire Makes List Of Spots To Hit On Return Trip To California Next Summer

SACRAMENTO , CA—Planning out an itinerary for the next time it was in the area , a wildfire was reportedly hard at work Monday making a list of spots to hit on its return trip to California next summer .
“ I ’ ve been to a lot of the national forests at this point , but I could really see myself making my way to San Francisco when the weather gets a little warmer , ” said the blazing inferno , confirming its intention to spend next July speeding down the Pacific Coast Highway and taking in every inch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ course , there are also so many places in Los Angeles that I ’ d love to visit—tons of great hiking trails , t he Getty Museum , maybe even a tour of some celebrity homes in the Hollywood Hills .
And I know it ’ s a cliché at this point , but there ’ s no way I ’ m going to California without going through wine country again.
” At press time , the wildfire had realized that it was already spending so much time on the west coast it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

SACRAMENTO, CA—Planning out an itinerary for the next time it was in the area, a wildfire was reportedly hard at work Monday making a list of spots to hit on its return trip to California next summer. “I’ve been to a lot of the national forests at this point, but I could really see myself making my way to San Francisco when the weather gets a little warmer,” said the blazing inferno, confirming its intention to spend next July speeding down the Pacific Coast Highway and taking in every inch of the natural beauty. “Of course, there are also so many places in Los Angeles that I’d love to visit—tons of great hiking trails, t he Getty Museum, maybe even a tour of some celebrity homes in the Hollywood Hills. And I know it’s a cliché at this point, but there’s no way I’m going to California without going through wine country again.” At press time, the wildfire had realized that it was already spending so much time on the west coast it might as well stay all year round.


theonion--2020-10-26--Veterans Affairs Secretary Struggling To Profit Off Of Underfunded Department

WASHINGTON—Blaming the chronic lack of resources for hampering his ability to run the agency the way he wanted , Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie told reporters Monday that he was struggling to profit off of his underfunded department .
“ When I took this job , I really didn ’ t expect that there would be so little funding going to veteran care that it ’ s basically impossible to skim millions of dollars off the top , ” said Wilkie , adding that he left a lucrative position in the private sect or because he believed that working @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him to rake in some quick cash for himself and his friends .
“ Frankly , I was just going to slash funding for healthcare and community care and redirect that money into outrageously overpriced consulting gigs , but Congress has spent so many years depriving veterans of funding that there ’ s basically nothing left to gut .
As it is , I can barely cobble together the cash for a single private jet ride—and that ’ s only going one way .
When I talk to other Trump appointees like [ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Transportation Secretary ] Elaine Chao and hear about the easy money they get from their golden-goose agencies , I can ’ t help but wonder why our government is okay with leaving the leaders of the Veterans Committee out in the cold.
” Wilkie also expressed concerns that he hadn ’ t made it clear enough in previous budget requests that none of the money would be actually going to veterans .

WASHINGTON—Blaming the chronic lack of resources for hampering his ability to run the agency the way he wanted, Secretary of Veterans Affairs Robert Wilkie told reporters Monday that he was struggling to profit off of his underfunded department. “When I took this job, I really didn’t expect that there would be so little funding going to veteran care that it’s basically impossible to skim millions of dollars off the top,” said Wilkie, adding that he left a lucrative position in the private sect or because he believed that working in the Veterans Affairs department would allow him to rake in some quick cash for himself and his friends. “Frankly, I was just going to slash funding for healthcare and community care and redirect that money into outrageously overpriced consulting gigs, but Congress has spent so many years depriving veterans of funding that there’s basically nothing left to gut. As it is, I can barely cobble together the cash for a single private jet ride—and that’s only going one way. When I talk to other Trump appointees like [Education Secretary] Betsy DeVos and [Transportation Secretary] Elaine Chao and hear about the easy money they get from their golden-goose agencies, I can’t help but wonder why our government is okay with leaving the leaders of the Veterans Committee out in the cold.” Wilkie also expressed concerns that he hadn’t made it clear enough in previous budget requests that none of the money would be actually going to veterans.


theonion--2020-10-26--NASA Announces Moon Will Be Leaving Earth’s Orbit To Take On New Position With Bigger Planet

WASHINGTON—Congratulating the natural satellite for moving on to new and exciting opportunities , NASA announced Monday that the moon would @ @ @ @ @ orbit to take on a position with a bigger planet at the end of the @ @ @ @ @ obviously a bittersweet moment since we ’ ve had such a wonderful longstanding relationship with @ @ @ @ @ ’ re all just really excited to see what it gets up to with a @ @ @ @ @ its corner , ” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine , adding that while the moon @ @ @ @ @ heavenly body , the new post would give it the opportunity to mingle with colleagues @ @ @ @ @ that a small planet like Earth simply couldn ’ t provide .
“ Luckily , @ @ @ @ @ bright young asteroids already in orbit who can help pick up the slack as the @ @ @ @ @ phase.
” Bridestine added that in some ways it was a relief to say goodbye @ @ @ @ @ had always held major creative differences about the tides .

WASHINGTON—Congratulating the natural satellite for moving on to new and exciting opportunities, NASA announced Monday that the moon would be leaving Earth’s orbit to take on a position with a bigger planet at the end of the month. “This is obviously a bittersweet moment since we’ve had such a wonderful longstanding relationship with the moon, but we’re all just really excited to see what it gets up to with a powerhouse planet like Jupiter in its corner,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, adding that while the moon had always been an exemplary heavenly body, the new post would give it the opportunity to mingle with colleagues such as Europa and Ganymede that a small planet like Earth simply couldn’t provide. “Luckily, we have a number of bright young asteroids already in orbit who can help pick up the slack as the moon transitions to this new phase.” Bridestine added that in some ways it was a relief to say goodbye since the moon and Earth had always held major creative differences about the tides.


theonion--2020-10-27--Election Experts Worry Record Voter Turnout Could Make Nation Look Like A Bunch Of Dorks

Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like @ @ @ @ @ .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , @ @ @

Hear why the high volume of voters in 2020 could pose a massive problem by making our country look like a bunch of pencil-pushing poindexters.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more


theonion--2020-10-27--Nxivm Cult Leader Faces Sentencing

Nxivm Cult Leader Faces Sentencing

Keith Rainere , the founder of Nxivm , which has been described as a pyramid scheme , sex-trafficking operation , @ @ @ @ @ be sentenced on Tuesday after a federal jury found him guilty on all charges of @ @ @ @ @ and posession of child pornography last year .
What do you think ?
“ This @ @ @ @ @ so important to keep your pyramid scheme and your cult separate .
”

Keith Rainere, the founder of Nxivm, which has been described as a pyramid scheme, sex-trafficking operation, and a cult, will be sentenced on Tuesday after a federal jury found him guilty on all charges of sex trafficking, racketeering, and posession of child pornography last year. What do you think?
“Sex cults just can’ t catch a break.” Miles Bielski • Headphones Expert
“This is why it’s so important to keep your pyramid scheme and your cult separate.” Jay Morris • Tire Buffer
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theonion--2020-10-27--NASA Confirms Evidence Of Water On Moon

NASA Confirms Evidence Of Water On Moon

NASA confirmed Monday that chemical analysis reveals the lunar surface harbors multiple pockets of frozen water , including in areas @ @ @ @ @ previous theories about the existence of H2O on the moon .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ still be able to drink recycled urine if they want to , right ?
”

NASA confirmed Monday that chemical analysis reveals the lunar surface harbors multiple pockets of frozen water, including in areas exposed to sunlight, bolstering previous theories about the existence of H2O on the moon. What do you think?
“Well, duh, that’s where rain comes from.” Dean Collins • Unemployed
“If there’s water, you know there’s moon mosquitos.” Colleen Puchkoff • Tent Revivalist
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theonion--2020-10-27--Old-School Baseball Fan Doesn’t Need Some Formula To Tell Him Which Players Have Best WAR, wOBA

YAKIMA , WA—Recalling the better days when there was real art to arguing over who had the greatest skills , local baseball fan Dennis Morehouse complained Tuesday that he does not need some stupid formula to tell him which players have the best WAR or wOBA .
“ Back in the ’ 60s and ’ 70s , you didn ’ t need some website and a bunch of math to tell you who was leading the league in d efensive runs saved , you just knew it in your gut , ” said Morehouse , who fondly reminisced about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ arguing with his buddies over whether Mike Schmidt or Rickey Henderson had a higher WAR .
“ It ’ s just no fun when there is some nerd with a chart telling me a player ’ s isolated slugging ; I should be deciding that for myself .
And honestly , what does a computer know about how many RBIs someone has ?
That ’ s just something you figure out on the field by seeing who runs harder .
Pretty soon , they ’ re gon na come u p with some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more runs in each game.
” At press time , Morehouse was signing a petition for the MLB to return to the process of determining the World Series winner by arguing over local sports radio stations .

YAKIMA, WA—Recalling the better days when there was real art to arguing over who had the greatest skills, local baseball fan Dennis Morehouse complained Tuesday that he does not need some stupid formula to tell him which players have the best WAR or wOBA. “Back in the ’60s and ’70s, you didn’t need some website and a bunch of math to tell you who was leading the league in d efensive runs saved, you just knew it in your gut,” said Morehouse, who fondly reminisced about the evenings he would spend at the bar arguing with his buddies over whether Mike Schmidt or Rickey Henderson had a higher WAR. “It’s just no fun when there is some nerd with a chart telling me a player’s isolated slugging; I should be deciding that for myself. And honestly, what does a computer know about how many RBIs someone has? That’s just something you figure out on the field by seeing who runs harder. Pretty soon, they’re gonna come u p with some dumb stat to tell us who scored more runs in each game.” At press time, Morehouse was signing a petition for the MLB to return to the process of determining the World Series winner by arguing over local sports radio stations.


theonion--2020-10-27--Clayton Kershaw Insists He’s Still Fresh Enough To Melt Down Out Of The Bullpen

LOS ANGELES—Expressing his desire to continue contributing to the World Series in any small way after two quality starts , @ @ @ @ @ teammates Tuesday that he was still fresh enough to melt down out of the bullpen @ @ @ @ @ expects me to be completely spent , but this is the World Series and I @ @ @ @ @ go if the team needs me to blow a game in relief , ” said @ @ @ @ @ throwing arm felt great thanks to the strict tantrum limit he followed during the regular @ @ @ @ @ ve got plenty of gas in the tank to throw some beach balls .
It @ @ @ @ @ big deal to blow our shot at a championship on two-days rest .
We ’ @ @ @ @ @ taking this , which means all hands on deck—we all need to chip in to @ @ @ @ @ heartbreaking collapse.
” At press time , Kershaw had started warming up in the bullpen @ @ @ @ @ g coach .

LOS ANGELES—Expressing his desire to continue contributing to the World Series in any small way after two quality starts, Clayton Kershaw reassured his Dodgers teammates Tuesday that he was still fresh enough to melt down out of the bullpen. “I know everyone expects me to be completely spent, but this is the World Series and I’m still ready to go if the team needs me to blow a game in relief,” said Kershaw, clarifying that his throwing arm felt great thanks to the strict tantrum limit he followed during the regular season. “I’ve got plenty of gas in the tank to throw some beach balls. It’s not really a big deal to blow our shot at a championship on two-days rest. We’re one game away from taking this, which means all hands on deck—we all need to chip in to make sure we have a heartbreaking collapse.” At press time, Kershaw had started warming up in the bullpen by accidentally beaning his pitchin g coach.


theonion--2020-10-27--New Environmental Initiative Calls For Planting 20 Million New Earths

NEW YORK—Declaring that bold effort was the only way to stave off the devastating planetary effects of climate change , a new environmental initiative Tuesday reportedly called for planting 20 million new Earths .
“ Together we can save humanity from climate change , and even a dollar can help us grow millions of the new habitable planets we need in just 4 billion years , ” said Scott Langston , one of the co-founders of Project Plant-An-Earth , showing off a rendering the nonprofit had made of a completely transformed galaxy landscape including millions of eco-friendly new astronomical bodies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Right now we ’ re in the midst of a terrifying biodiversity crisis .
Planting these new Earths will help mitigate much of that damage , and will increase the diverse wilderness available to flora and fauna by 20 million percent .
We can all commit today to being part of the solution to rising carbon dioxide levels by creating pristine new planets .
Several Silicon Valley leaders have made generous financial contributions to planting new Earths , of course , but sustainability starts at home—even planting an Earth in your yard or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there are enough new planets to help support human life.
” The Project Plant-An-Earth founders added that they were also demanding sustainability by calling on any viable new planets to achieve net-zero carbon emissions by 5.2 billion years from now .

NEW YORK—Declaring that bold effort was the only way to stave off the devastating planetary effects of climate change, a new environmental initiative Tuesday reportedly called for planting 20 million new Earths. “Together we can save humanity from climate change, and even a dollar can help us grow millions of the new habitable planets we need in just 4 billion years,” said Scott Langston, one of the co-founders of Project Plant-An-Earth, showing off a rendering the nonprofit had made of a completely transformed galaxy landscape including millions of eco-friendly new astronomical bodies that could support human life. “Right now we’re in the midst of a terrifying biodiversity crisis. Planting these new Earths will help mitigate much of that damage, and will increase the diverse wilderness available to flora and fauna by 20 million percent. We can all commit today to being part of the solution to rising carbon dioxide levels by creating pristine new planets. Several Silicon Valley leaders have made generous financial contributions to planting new Earths, of course, but sustainability starts at home—even planting an Earth in your yard or on your rooftop will help ensure that there are enough new planets to help support human life.” The Project Plant-An-Earth founders added that they were also demanding sustainability by calling on any viable new planets to achieve net-zero carbon emissions by 5.2 billion years from now.


theonion--2020-10-27--Man Sucked Down Obscure Internet Rabbit Hole Of Learning About Down-Ballot Candidates

CHICAGO—Clicking rapidly through links scattered across the darkest corners of the Water Reclamation District website , Chicago resident Daniel Harris told reporters Tuesday he was sucked down an obscure internet rabbit hole learning about down- ballot candidates .
“ Okay , so I started out researching the big national races , but three hours later , I ’ m somehow still fucking around on my computer looking up all this weird nonsense about the Illinois Supreme Court , ” said Harris , sighing as he described all the time he ’ d wasted reading through dozens of tabs about ballot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a ttorney , and a summary of all 62 judges running for retention within Cook County .
“ I mean , how did I even get here ?
All I wanted to do was vote , but now I know all this weird stuff about the role of a comptroller and all these random rulings on county-specific court cases .
Like , yeah , it ’ s fun to read and all , but why does it matter if a judge is flagged by ‘ Injustice Watch ’ ?
Where am @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Harris told reporters that all of this obscure political knowledge was especially useless because he never planned to vote outside of the p residential race .

CHICAGO—Clicking rapidly through links scattered across the darkest corners of the Water Reclamation District website, Chicago resident Daniel Harris told reporters Tuesday he was sucked down an obscure internet rabbit hole learning about down- ballot candidates. “Okay, so I started out researching the big national races, but three hours later, I’m somehow still fucking around on my computer looking up all this weird nonsense about the Illinois Supreme Court,” said Harris, sighing as he described all the time he’d wasted reading through dozens of tabs about ballot measures, term limits of s tate’s a ttorney, and a summary of all 62 judges running for retention within Cook County. “I mean, how did I even get here? All I wanted to do was vote, but now I know all this weird stuff about the role of a comptroller and all these random rulings on county-specific court cases. Like, yeah, it’s fun to read and all, but why does it matter if a judge is flagged by ‘Injustice Watch’? Where am I ever going to use that?” At press time, Harris told reporters that all of this obscure political knowledge was especially useless because he never planned to vote outside of the p residential race.


theonion--2020-10-27--New Parents Freaked Out Upon Learning That Babies Can Live Up To 100 Years

NEWBURYPORT , MA—Panicking after encountering the information while reading through an article online , new parents Lindsey Conway and Michael @ @ @ @ @ upon learning that babies can often live up to 100 years .
“ Oh God @ @ @ @ @ thinking it would just be a few year commitment , tops , ” said Conway @ @ @ @ @ with her partner as she discovered that some infants can be expected to grow up @ @ @ @ @ “ Jesus Christ , do you know how much feeding this thing is eventually going @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not even going to stay that cute .
It looks like they can @ @ @ @ @ first decade or so .
Why don ’ t they tell you all this before @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , the parents had resolved drop the baby off at the @ @ @ @ @ .

NEWBURYPORT, MA—Panicking after encountering the information while reading through an article online, new parents Lindsey Conway and Michael Rhodes reportedly freaked out Tuesday upon learning that babies can often live up to 100 years. “Oh God, we got this baby thinking it would just be a few year commitment, tops, ” said Conway, who grew increasingly distressed with her partner as she discovered that some infants can be expected to grow up to six feet long. “Jesus Christ, do you know how much feeding this thing is eventually going to cost? And it’s not even going to stay that cute. It looks like they can get pretty dangerous after the first decade or so. Why don’t they tell you all this before you bring them home?”At press time, the parents had resolved drop the baby off at the shelter first thing tomorrow morning.


theonion--2020-10-27--The Onion Looks Back At 188 Trimesters Of Reproductive Rights In America

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 19 List slides Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion-Clinic Attack List slides Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion-Clinic Attack Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 19 List slides Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court List slides Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 19 List slides New ‘Anti-Abortion Pill’ Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive List slides New ‘Anti-Abortion Pill’ Kills Mother, Leaves Fetus Alive Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 19 List slides Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex List slides Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 19 List slides Pro-Life Demonstrator Clearly Using Image Of Subway Chicken Enchilada Melt On Anti-Abortion Poster List slides Pro-Life Demonstrator Clearly Using Image Of Subway Chicken Enchilada Melt On Anti-Abortion Poster Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 19 List slides New Anti-Abortion Legislation Requires Doctors To Scale 18-Foot Wall Surrounding Clinic List slides New Anti-Abortion Legislation Requires Doctors To Scale 18-Foot Wall Surrounding Clinic Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 19 List slides Defunded Planned Parenthood Reassures Supporters It Has Enough Fetus Cash To Keep Going List slides Defunded Planned Parenthood Reassures Supporters It Has Enough Fetus Cash To Keep Going Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 19 List slides Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic List slides Frustrated Gunman Can’t Believe How Far He Has To Drive To Find Nearest Planned Parenthood Clinic Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 19 List slides Pence Tells Emotional Story Of Longtime Friend Who Was Aborted After Second Trimester List slides Pence Tells Emotional Story Of Longtime Friend Who Was Aborted After Second Trimester Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 19 List slides New Bill Would Limit Abortion To Cases Where Procedure Necessary To Save Promising Political Career List slides New Bill Would Limit Abortion To Cases Where Procedure Necessary To Save Promising Political Career Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 19 List slides Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time List slides Grossed-Out Anti-Abortion Activist Has Change Of Heart After Seeing Picture Of Fetus For First Time Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 19 List slides Georgia Governor Signs Bill Outlawing Abortion Except For Single 30-Second Window On Third Day Of Fourth Week Of Pregnancy List slides Georgia Governor Signs Bill Outlawing Abortion Except For Single 30-Second Window On Third Day Of Fourth Week Of Pregnancy Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 19 List slides Alabama Cracks Down On Abortions By Outlawing All Medical Procedures List slides Alabama Cracks Down On Abortions By Outlawing All Medical Procedures Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 15 / 19 List slides Alabama Governor Signs New ‘Heartbeat Bill’ Lowering State’s Age Of Consent List slides Alabama Governor Signs New ‘Heartbeat Bill’ Lowering State’s Age Of Consent Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 16 / 19 List slides New Louisiana Abortion Law Requires Fetuses Be Given Jazz Funeral March Through The French Quarter List slides New Louisiana Abortion Law Requires Fetuses Be Given Jazz Funeral March Through The French Quarter Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 17 / 19 List slides Trump Woos March For Life Crowd By Kissing Supporter’s Unborn Baby List slides Trump Woos March For Life Crowd By Kissing Supporter’s Unborn Baby Advertisement


theonion--2020-10-28--Hundreds Of Years Of Race, Class Privilege Allow Man Extra Legroom

DENVER—As he stretched out 3 inches beyond the space afforded passengers in the rest of the main cabin , Delta @ @ @ @ @ enjoyed the benefits of hundreds of years of racial and class privilege Wednesday by upgrading @ @ @ @ @ legroom .
Sources confirmed his purchase of a Delta Comfort-plus seat , the culmination of @ @ @ @ @ advantage granted to his family by virtue of their skin color and accumulation of wealth @ @ @ @ @ 70 to the cost of his flight from Denver to Atlanta , a price Foss @ @ @ @ @ to reports , the circumstances of his birth also provided the 31-year-old consultant with premium @ @ @ @ @ space , and the right to sit in front of other people on the plane @ @ @ @ @ addition to a lifetime of access to quality healthcare , elite education , home mortgages @ @ @ @ @ good-paying jobs .
At press time , sources reported that Foss had decided to expense @ @ @ @ @ seat to his employer , a request that would be granted without question .

DENVER—As he stretched out 3 inches beyond the space afforded passengers in the rest of the main cabin, Delta Airlines passenger Carter Foss reportedly enjoyed the benefits of hundreds of years of racial and class privilege Wednesday by upgrading to a seat with extra legroom. Sources confirmed his purchase of a Delta Comfort-plus seat, the culmination of centuries of social and financial advantage granted to his family by virtue of their skin color and accumulation of wealth across generations, added $70 to the cost of his flight from Denver to Atlanta, a price Foss could easily pay. According to reports, the circumstances of his birth also provided the 31-year-old consultant with premium snacks, guaranteed overhead bin space, and the right to sit in front of other people on the plane, amenities he received in addition to a lifetime of access to quality healthcare, elite education, home mortgages on generous terms, and good-paying jobs. At press time, sources reported that Foss had decided to expense the cost of the upgraded seat to his employer, a request that would be granted without question.


theonion--2020-10-28--American Populace Worried They’re Not Likeable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President

Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership , and is now beginning to wonder if they @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve never been able to settle down with someone who ’ s truly the @ @ @ @ @ empowering a new generation of creators .
Support and engage with artists and creators… Read @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why the American populace has never been lucky in leadership, and is now beginning to wonder if they’re the reason they’ve never been able to settle down with someone who’s truly the electable type.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-28--Jay-Z Launches Cannabis Line

Jay-Z Launches Cannabis Line

Rap mogul Jay-Z on Friday launched Monogram , a line of cannabis products from the company Caliva where he is @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Tell him thanks , but I ’ ve already @ @ @ @ @ Now seems like a precarious time to be opening a small business.
” “ Monogram @ @ @ @ @ I think I still prefer his earlier drugs .
”

Rap mogul Jay-Z on Friday launched Monogram, a line of cannabis products from the company Caliva where he is the chief brand strategist. What do you think?
“Tell him thanks, but I’ve already got a guy.” Leah Dorosky • Lawn Aerator
“Now seems like a precarious time to be opening a small business.” Kip Holmberg • Hydration Specialist
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theonion--2020-10-28--Timeline Of The 2020 Election Cycle

Timeline Of The 2020 Election Cycle

On November 3 , Americans will head to the polls to potentially make their voices heard in electing the next president of the United States .
The Onion looks back at the most pivotal moments of the 2020 election cycle .
John Delaney breaks record for earliest and saddest official presidential candidacy declaration .
Howard Schultz announces potential presidential bid , citing intimate knowledge of racial and economic hardships facing Americans employed at Starbucks .
At the first debate , Kamala Harris delivers a death blow to Joe Biden , essentially knocking the former vice president out of the primary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Town Hall to get all that climate change talk out of the way well before election .
Ahead of fourth Democratic debate , candidate field narrowed from six to 12 .
House votes to impeach Trump , making it one of the top issues everyone will completely forget about by the election .
Results of Iowa Democratic caucuses delayed until voting app developers can manually override Bernie Sanders ’ victory .
Democratic competitors Amy Klobuchar , Pete Buttigieg suspend campaigns to focus on positions in Biden cabinet .
Biden secures nomination after collection @ @ @ @ @ @ @ got ta hand it to the guy for sticking around .
Fishing ship off Nova Scotia coast gets motor tangled in floating mass of 70,000 “ Boot Edge Edge ” shirts .
Trump releases early peek at second-term platform as National Guard troops tear-gas peaceful protesters in D.C. Trump installs Louis DeJoy as postmaster general after expressing horror at the satisfactory state of the U.S .
Postal System .
Herman Cain returns to support Trump on campaign trail after dying the day before .
2020 election cycle comes to an end after winning @ @ @ @ @ @

On November 3, Americans will head to the polls to potentially make their voices heard in electing the next president of the United States. The Onion looks back at the most pivotal moments of the 2020 election cycle.
July 28, 2017
John Delaney breaks record for earliest and saddest official presidential candidacy declaration.
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January 27, 2019
Howard Schultz announces potential presidential bid, citing intimate knowledge of racial and economic hardships facing Americans employed at Starbucks.
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June 26, 2019
At the first debate, Kamala Harris delivers a death blow to Joe Biden, essentially knocking the former vice president out of the primary race.
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September 4, 2019
CNN broadcasts seven-hour Climate Crisis Town Hall to get all that climate change talk out of the way well before election.
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October 15, 2019
Ahead of fourth Democratic debate, candidate field narrowed from six to 12 .
December 18, 2019
House votes to impeach Trump, making it one of the top issues everyone will completely forget about by the election.
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February 3, 2020
Results of Iowa Democratic caucuses delayed until voting app developers can manually override Bernie Sanders’ victory.
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March 2, 2020
Democratic competitors Amy Klobuchar, Pete Buttigieg suspend campaigns to focus on positions in Biden cabinet.
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April 8, 2020
Biden secures nomination after collection of key Democrats decide hey, you gotta hand it to the guy for sticking around.
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May 30, 2020
Fishing ship off Nova Scotia coast gets motor tangled in floating mass of 70,000 “Boot Edge Edge” shirts.
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June 1, 2020
Trump releases early peek at second-term platform as National Guard troops tear-gas peaceful protesters in D.C.
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June 15, 2020
Trump installs Louis DeJoy as postmaster general after expressing horror at the satisfactory state of the U.S. Postal System.
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July 31, 2020
Herman Cain returns to support Trump on campaign trail after dying the day before.
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October 1-5, 2020
A contagious disease called Covid-19 briefly becomes matter of national concern.
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October 26, 2020
Trump’s poll numbers dip slightly after supporters realize a 6-3 conservative Supreme Court majority makes him redundant.
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April 16, 2029
2020 election cycle comes to an end after winning army finally vanquishes its foe.


theonion--2020-10-28--Country To Experience Rare Halloween Full Moon

While full moons regularly appear on Halloween every 19 years for some time zones , this October 31st will mark @ @ @ @ @ that a full moon will be visible to Americans across all U.S. time zones .
@ @ @ @ @ “ I wonder how those on the moon will celebrate.
” “ There ’ s @ @ @ @ @ going to look up and expose my neck on Halloween of all nights .
”

While full moons regularly appear on Halloween every 19 years for some time zones, this October 31st will mark the first time since 1944 that a full moon will be visible to Americans across all U.S. time zones. What do you think?
“God, I’ m so sick of living through history.” Sasha O’Connell • Electronic Poker Enthusiast
“I wonder how those on the moon will celebrate.” Stephen Emhoff • Work Permit Granter
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theonion--2020-10-28--Lines Come To Standstill Outside Wisconsin Polls After State’s Official Voting Pen Rolls Under Vendi

Lines Come To Standstill Outside Wisconsin Polls After State’s Official Voting Pen Rolls Under Vending Machine

MADISON—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that the already long six -hour lines had come to a standstill at Wisconsin polls after the state ’ s official voting pen rolled under a vending machine .
“ We regret to inform voters that earlier today , an elderly poll worker mistakenly dropped the only available voting pen in all of Wisconsin and watched helplessly as it went past the bubbler and got stuck in a dark , hard to reach corner , ” said Wisconsin Elections Commission spokesperson Katheryn Vanderheyden , adding that already overrun polls would be closed statewide until the writing utensil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be used to cast a vote since 1978 , could be located and returned .
“ As of this morning , we know that the pen is pert ’ near the back .
We just don ’ t know where about that darn thing went .
Officials have tried everything from shining a flashlight down there and looking for a stick or something to fish it out , believe you me.
” At press time , the Supreme Court had r eportedly ordered the polls to shut down once again after election @ @ @ @ @ @ @ find out it was out of ink .

MADISON—Authorities confirmed Wednesday that the already long six -hour lines had come to a standstill at Wisconsin polls after the state’s official voting pen rolled under a vending machine. “We regret to inform voters that earlier today, an elderly poll worker mistakenly dropped the only available voting pen in all of Wisconsin and watched helplessly as it went past the bubbler and got stuck in a dark, hard to reach corner,” said Wisconsin Elections Commission spokesperson Katheryn Vanderheyden, adding that already overrun polls would be closed statewide until the writing utensil, which was the only utensil allowed to be used to cast a vote since 1978, could be located and returned. “As of this morning, we know that the pen is pert’ near the back. We just don’t know where about that darn thing went. Officials have tried everything from shining a flashlight down there and looking for a stick or something to fish it out, believe you me.” At press time, the Supreme Court had r eportedly ordered the polls to shut down once again after election authorities located the pen, only to find out it was out of ink.


theonion--2020-10-28--Man Falsely Imprisoned For 24 Years Granted Permission To Serve Out Remainder Of Term In New Wrongfu

Man Falsely Imprisoned For 24 Years Granted Permission To Serve Out Remainder Of Term In New Wrongfully Accused Wing

ANGOLA , LA—Following over two decades of incarceration , Louisiana Penitentiary inmate Reggie Clark , a man falsely imprisoned for 24 years , was finally granted permission Wednesday to serve out the remainder of his sentence in the prison ’ s new Wrongly Accused Wing .
“ This was an unacceptable miscarriage of justice , which is why we will be immediately moving Mr. Clark to our new state-of-the-art facility for those who should have never imprisoned here in the first place , ” said warden Brent Albertson , confirming that a transfer to the multimillion-dollar section of the prison @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an additional 20 minutes in the yard per day as well as expanded access to a cell phone and major discounts from the prison commissary .
“ While we will never be able to fully make up for the harrowing experience endured by Mr. Clark in gen-pop these last 24 years , we hope spending the next few decades in a brightly lit , Art Deco-inspired building hobnobbing with other innocent prisoners will help begin the healing process.
” At press time , Albertson noted that t he crown jewel of the new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the bodies of death row prisoners who had been posthumously exonerated .

ANGOLA, LA—Following over two decades of incarceration, Louisiana Penitentiary inmate Reggie Clark, a man falsely imprisoned for 24 years, was finally granted permission Wednesday to serve out the remainder of his sentence in the prison’s new Wrongly Accused Wing. “This was an unacceptable miscarriage of justice, which is why we will be immediately moving Mr. Clark to our new state-of-the-art facility for those who should have never imprisoned here in the first place,” said warden Brent Albertson, confirming that a transfer to the multimillion-dollar section of the prison came with a number of privileges including an additional 20 minutes in the yard per day as well as expanded access to a cell phone and major discounts from the prison commissary. “While we will never be able to fully make up for the harrowing experience endured by Mr. Clark in gen-pop these last 24 years, we hope spending the next few decades in a brightly lit, Art Deco-inspired building hobnobbing with other innocent prisoners will help begin the healing process.” At press time, Albertson noted that t he crown jewel of the new wing was an expansive rooftop garden containing the bodies of death row prisoners who had been posthumously exonerated.


theonion--2020-10-28--Georgia GOP Defends Hours-Long Voting Lines As Perfect Amount Of Time To Slow Cook Pulled Pork

ATLANTA—In response to criticism that the protracted waits at polling places were a clear example of voter suppression , Georgia Republicans argued Wednesday in defense of the state ’ s hours-long lines for early voting , saying it gave citizens just the right amount of time to slow cook pulled pork .
“ Look folks , long lines at the polls provide Georgians with an unbeatable opportunity to cook up some juicy , succulent barbecue sandwiches , ” said Brad Raffensperger , Georgia ’ s Republican secretary of state , who told reporters that instead of complaining about systematic disenfranchisement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sear a bone-in pork shoulder , toss it in the Crock-Pot with some onion and spices , and let it cook low and slow while they wait in line six to eight hours to cast their ballots .
“ Having to miss an entire shift and lose a day ’ s pay is well worth it when you know you ’ ll come home to a flavor-packed cut of meat you can easily shred and toss with a homemade barbecue sauce .
We ’ re honestly doing you a favor by giving you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crowd-pleasing dinner , which we recommend serving with slaw over toasted potato buns.
” Raffensperger added that the multiple days it will take to count the ballots after polls close should give Georgians plenty of time to jar some homemade pickles to accompany their barbecue .

ATLANTA—In response to criticism that the protracted waits at polling places were a clear example of voter suppression, Georgia Republicans argued Wednesday in defense of the state’s hours-long lines for early voting, saying it gave citizens just the right amount of time to slow cook pulled pork. “Look folks, long lines at the polls provide Georgians with an unbeatable opportunity to cook up some juicy, succulent barbecue sandwiches,” said Brad Raffensperger, Georgia’s Republican secretary of state, who told reporters that instead of complaining about systematic disenfranchisement, voters should use the occasion to sear a bone-in pork shoulder, toss it in the Crock-Pot with some onion and spices, and let it cook low and slow while they wait in line six to eight hours to cast their ballots. “Having to miss an entire shift and lose a day’s pay is well worth it when you know you’ll come home to a flavor-packed cut of meat you can easily shred and toss with a homemade barbecue sauce. We’re honestly doing you a favor by giving you a chance to make this delicious, crowd-pleasing dinner, which we recommend serving with slaw over toasted potato buns.” Raffensperger added that the multiple days it will take to count the ballots after polls close should give Georgians plenty of time to jar some homemade pickles to accompany their barbecue.


theonion--2020-10-29--New Negative Campaign Ads Blast Voters Directly

And later , we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you ’ re too @ @ @ @ @ out yourself .
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And later, we explain how to properly fill out your mail-in ballot just in case you’re too fucking stupid to figure it out yourself.
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theonion--2020-10-29--New Coral Reef Discovered Off Australian Coast

Scientists have discovered a detached coral reef measuring 1,640 feet tall within the Great Barrier Reef , the first to @ @ @ @ @ years .
What do you think ?
“ See ?
You don ’ t have @ @ @ @ @ discover boring shit.
” “ That ought to buy us a few more catastrophic oil @ @ @

Scientists have discovered a detached coral reef measuring 1,640 feet tall within the Great Barrier Reef, the first to be discovered in over 120 years. What do you think?
“See? You don’t have to visit outer space to discover boring shit.” Tabitha Rice • Paperwork Moderator
“Ugh, so it’s all wet?” Greg McDonnough • Sturgeon Specialist
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theonion--2020-10-29--The Onion's State By State Election Guide

Most critical issue facing this state this election cycle Conservation : State officials have repeatedly stressed the importance of conserving @ @ @ @ @ of survivalists , ice-road truckers , loggers , gold miners , fur trappers , and @ @ @ @ @ television seasons .
Biggest race in the state Cold vs .
Dark ( Misery ) @ @ @ @ @ in this tightly contested race to determine whether it will be the bitter cold or @ @ @ @ @ pushes 46-year-old Fairbanks resident Dennis Gantry over the edge this winter .
Fun fact If @ @ @ @ @ of the contiguous United States , it would stretch from Florida to California and crush @ @ @ @ @ death .

Most critical issue facing this state this election cycle
Conservation: State officials have repeatedly stressed the importance of conserving Alaska’s many species of survivalists, ice-road truckers, loggers, gold miners, fur trappers, and king crab fishermen for future television seasons.
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Biggest race in the state
Cold vs. Dark (Misery): All bets are off in this tightly contested race to determine whether it will be the bitter cold or the oppressive darkness that finally pushes 46-year-old Fairbanks resident Dennis Gantry over the edge this winter.
Fun fact
If Alaska was placed on top of the contiguous United States, it would stretch from Florida to California and crush countless millions of Americans to death.


Election Almost Over

With less than one week until polls close , the nation continued its sprint to finish one of the most @ @ @ @ @ recent history as early voter count rose to over half of 2016 ’ s final @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Hard to believe that in just five days , everything will finally @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Eh , they say that every four years.
” “ But I was @ @ @ @ @ !
”

With less than one week until polls close, the nation continued its sprint to finish one of the most contentious and exhausting elections in recent history as early voter count rose to over half of 2016’s final turnout. What do you think?
“Hard to believe that in just five days, everything will finally go back to norm al.” Doug Deacon • Smile Coach
“Eh, they say that every four years.” Natalie French • Giardiniera Collector
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theonion--2020-10-29--Texas Voters Line Up To Shoot Ballots At Local Election Range

CANYON , TX—Loading their firearms with enough ammo to mark their preferred candidates for each race , Texas voters lined @ @ @ @ @ 2020 ballots at local election ranges , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ the ol ’ iron sights and make your voice heard by leaving a bullet hole @ @ @ @ @ ” said Cal Humphries , 54 , who shouldered an AR-15 and fired multiple rounds @ @ @ @ @ that hung from a target retrieval system to indicate his choice in a series of @ @ @ @ @ Being able to hit a bull ’ s-eye on your Senate pick is a hallowed @ @ @ @ @ and died for .
Just make sure you ’ re using the right caliber bullet @ @ @ @ @ vote may be disqualified.
” At press time , a visibly furious Humphries was heard @ @ @ @ @ his shots was slightly off , leading him to accidentally select Green Party presidential candidate @ @ @

CANYON, TX—Loading their firearms with enough ammo to mark their preferred candidates for each race, Texas voters lined up to begin shooting their 2020 ballots at local election ranges, sources confirmed Thursday. “It’s always nice to stare down the ol’ iron sights and make your voice heard by leaving a bullet hole on your favorite politicians,” said Cal Humphries, 54, who shouldered an AR-15 and fired multiple rounds into a sheet of paper that hung from a target retrieval system to indicate his choice in a series of down-ballot judicial races. “Being able to hit a bull’s-eye on your Senate pick is a hallowed right that our ancestors fought and died for. Just make sure you’re using the right caliber bullet, though, or your vote may be disqualified.” At press time, a visibly furious Humphries was heard cursing loudly after one of his shots was slightly off, leading him to accidentally select Green Party presidential candidate Howie Hawkins.


theonion--2020-10-29--Fantasy Football Week 8: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

NFL Week 8 is a time of introspection and reflection in the fantasy football world , a week where you look back on the mistakes of the past and start to get in touch with the lineup that makes you truly happy .
Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to aid in that quest with his top players to start or sit .
Chad Henne ( QB ) : Likely to throw for three touchdowns against a weak Jets D after Kansas City subs out Patrick Mahomes in second quarter with 41-0 lead .
La ’ Mical Perine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Veon Bell out of the picture , expect the rookie out of Florida to receive 15-20 carries directly into a pile of linemen .
Dez Bryant ( WR ) : Almost certain not to start this week , but just think about how smart and prophetic you ’ ll look with him in your lineup if he does suit up and play well .
Baker Mayfield ( QB ) : L ikely to rack up big numbers in any league that counts commercial appearances as six points .
Todd Gurley ( RB ) @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Or don ’ t .
You ’ re an adult who can make your own decisions .
Ben DiNucci ( QB ) : Look don ’ t tell him we said this because we don ’ t want to be mean , but we honestly don ’ t think he ’ s going to do a very good job this week .
Philadelphia ( D/ST ) : What does it even matter ?
Adam is 7-0 , and getting Christian McCaffrey back from IR any week .
You think starting or sitting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is going to matter ?
Tyreek Hill ( WR ) : His speed and fantasy production are the signs of an egotistical showoff and we don ’ t want to encourage that behavior .
Daniel Jones ( QB ) : Could be hampered by the Giants ’ new offensive strategy of repeatedly running backwards into the endzone for a safety until they secure the first overall pick .
Antonio Brown ( WR ) : Despite finalizing his deal with Tampa , Brown has yet to receive his official Bucs email or go through @ @ @ @ @ @ @ training .

NFL Week 8 is a time of introspection and reflection in the fantasy football world, a week where you look back on the mistakes of the past and start to get in touch with the lineup that makes you truly happy. Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to aid in that quest with his top players to start or sit.
Start ’Em
Chad Henne (QB): Likely to throw for three touchdowns against a weak Jets D after Kansas City subs out Patrick Mahomes in second quarter with 41-0 lead.
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La’Mical Perine (RB): With Le’Veon Bell out of the picture, expect the rookie out of Florida to receive 15-20 carries directly into a pile of linemen.
Dez Bryant (WR): Almost certain not to start this week, but just think about how smart and prophetic you’ll look with him in your lineup if he does suit up and play well.
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Baker Mayfield (QB): L ikely to rack up big numbers in any league that counts commercial appearances as six points.
Todd Gurley (RB): Start him this week against Carolina. Or don’t. You’re an adult who can make your own decisions.
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Sit ’Em
Ben DiNucci (QB): Look don’t tell him we said this because we don’t want to be mean, but we honestly don’t think he’s going to do a very good job this week.
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Philadelphia (D/ST): What does it even matter? Adam is 7-0, and getting Christian McCaffrey back from IR any week. You think starting or sitting one of the two defenses you auto-drafted is going to matter?
Tyreek Hill (WR): His speed and fantasy production are the signs of an egotistical showoff and we don’t want to encourage that behavior.
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Daniel Jones (QB): Could be hampered by the Giants’ new offensive strategy of repeatedly running backwards into the endzone for a safety until they secure the first overall pick.
Antonio Brown (WR): Despite finalizing his deal with Tampa, Brown has yet to receive his official Bucs email or go through the team’s mandatory benefits portal training.


theonion--2020-10-29--Man Relieved Movie Won’t Be Too Scary After Character Assures Friend There No Such Thing As Ghosts

MOBILE , AL—Pleased to have his concerns mitigated so early on , local man Sammy Althaus was reportedly relieved Thursday that the movie he was watching wouldn ’ t be too scary after one of the characters assured her friend there is no such thing as ghosts .
“ I was a little nervous about this film since I don ’ t like getting scared , but luckily one of this group of teens clarified in the first 15 minutes that she doesn ’ t believe in any of that superstitious nonsense , so it should be smooth sailing from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , telling reporters that he had continued to relax as the teenagers began drinking and partying , evidently without a care in the world .
“ I ’ ll admit I started getting uneasy again when everyone heard a weird groaning sound coming from the attic , but then they explained that it was probably just the sounds of the house settling , so I ’ m looking forward to them exploring some sort of home-improvement-related subplot for the remaining runtime , which should be pretty fun !
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assuaged once again after the f ilm ’ s female protagonist responded to being plunged into darkness by suggesting that her friends were pulling some kind of lame prank .

MOBILE, AL—Pleased to have his concerns mitigated so early on, local man Sammy Althaus was reportedly relieved Thursday that the movie he was watching wouldn’t be too scary after one of the characters assured her friend there is no such thing as ghosts. “I was a little nervous about this film since I don’t like getting scared, but luckily one of this group of teens clarified in the first 15 minutes that she doesn’t believe in any of that superstitious nonsense, so it should be smooth sailing from here on out,” said Althaus, telling reporters that he had continued to relax as the teenagers began drinking and partying, evidently without a care in the world. “I’ll admit I started getting uneasy again when everyone heard a weird groaning sound coming from the attic, but then they explained that it was probably just the sounds of the house settling, so I’m looking forward to them exploring some sort of home-improvement-related subplot for the remaining runtime, which should be pretty fun!” At press time, Althaus’s building anxiety had been assuaged once again after the f ilm’s female protagonist responded to being plunged into darkness by suggesting that her friends were pulling some kind of lame prank.


theonion--2020-10-29--Authorities Urge Orange County Residents To Stop Building Additions Onto Homes Currently On Fire

YORBA LINDA , CA—Asking the members of the wealthy local citizenry to put a brief pause on their construction projects , Orange County authorities reportedly urged residents Thursday to stop building additions onto homes that are currently on fire .
“ We understand that a breezeway or infinity pool is your top priority at the moment , but we humbly ask residents to just delay any inessential home improvement projects until firefighters have extinguished the wildfires currently blazing through your estates , ” said Orange County f ire m arshal Lori Smith , a dding that it was making firefighters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ competing for room with construction workers erecting a sauna .
“ The nature of the fast-moving Silverado and Blue Ridge wildfires means that more than likely , that fourth floor you ’ re adding might end up getting destroyed by a blaze , and you ’ d just have to start over .
We recommend waiting until the fires have at least subsided into smoldering embers before continuing construction on the sunroom or fitness center , and we pledge to let you know as soon as your guest wing project can resume .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ continue building a patio or gazebo , we recommend stone materials , as these will work best in the face of the flames currently moving through your properties.
” Orange County officials added that they had already secured millions of dollars in emergency funding from California to allow local residents to build their third dream homes after the fire was extinguished .

YORBA LINDA, CA—Asking the members of the wealthy local citizenry to put a brief pause on their construction projects, Orange County authorities reportedly urged residents Thursday to stop building additions onto homes that are currently on fire. “We understand that a breezeway or infinity pool is your top priority at the moment, but we humbly ask residents to just delay any inessential home improvement projects until firefighters have extinguished the wildfires currently blazing through your estates,” said Orange County f ire m arshal Lori Smith, a dding that it was making firefighters’ jobs more difficult when they were competing for room with construction workers erecting a sauna. “The nature of the fast-moving Silverado and Blue Ridge wildfires means that more than likely, that fourth floor you’re adding might end up getting destroyed by a blaze, and you’d just have to start over. We recommend waiting until the fires have at least subsided into smoldering embers before continuing construction on the sunroom or fitness center, and we pledge to let you know as soon as your guest wing project can resume. In the meantime, if you must continue building a patio or gazebo, we recommend stone materials, as these will work best in the face of the flames currently moving through your properties.” Orange County officials added that they had already secured millions of dollars in emergency funding from California to allow local residents to build their third dream homes after the fire was extinguished.


theonion--2020-10-29--Woman Heartbroken For All Shelter Pets Who Will Be Put Down Without Ever Being Dressed Like A Ghostb

Woman Heartbroken For All Shelter Pets Who Will Be Put Down Without Ever Being Dressed Like A Ghostbuster

CHICAGO—As she gazed into each kennel and let out a deep , regretful sigh , 31-year-old Chicago resident Lisa Kessler told reporters Thursday it broke her heart to think of all the pets in her local shelter who would be put down without ever being dressed like a Ghostbuster .
“ It ’ s just so sad that the majority of the dogs in here will be put to sleep , never getting the chance to wear a little tan jumpsuit , a doggy-sized proton pack , or a bushy Harold Ramis wig , ” said Kessler , adding that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , she would adopt every animal in the facility , put them in adorable costumes representing all major characters from the 1984 comedy classic and parade them before her friends on Instagram .
“ That ’ s something every pet deserves to do once .
Even though I ’ m leaving today with a new dog , it pains me to know so many of those who remain will have their lives cut short before ever getting posed next to a person who is also dressed like a Ghostbuster , or next to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , thousands of senior dogs , pit bulls , and Chihuahuas get put down too soon , despite the fact that most of them can still really clean up on Halloween.
” Kessler went on to acknowledge that some pets may simply whine and chew at their costumes after they are dressed up , at which point it may indeed be time to take them to a vet and have them euthanized .

CHICAGO—As she gazed into each kennel and let out a deep, regretful sigh, 31-year-old Chicago resident Lisa Kessler told reporters Thursday it broke her heart to think of all the pets in her local shelter who would be put down without ever being dressed like a Ghostbuster. “It’s just so sad that the majority of the dogs in here will be put to sleep, never getting the chance to wear a little tan jumpsuit, a doggy-sized proton pack, or a bushy Harold Ramis wig,” said Kessler, adding that if she had the time and money, she would adopt every animal in the facility, put them in adorable costumes representing all major characters from the 1984 comedy classic and parade them before her friends on Instagram. “That’s something every pet deserves to do once. Even though I’m leaving today with a new dog, it pains me to know so many of those who remain will have their lives cut short before ever getting posed next to a person who is also dressed like a Ghostbuster, or next to a cat dressed like Slimer. Unfortunately, thousands of senior dogs, pit bulls, and Chihuahuas get put down too soon, despite the fact that most of them can still really clean up on Halloween.” Kessler went on to acknowledge that some pets may simply whine and chew at their costumes after they are dressed up, at which point it may indeed be time to take them to a vet and have them euthanized.


theonion--2020-10-29--9-Year-Old Sad That Father’s iPad Moving Out

LA JOLLA , CA—His eyes flooding with tears as the full weight of the news sank in , local 9-year-old Taylor Warner announced Thursday that he was very sad his parents were getting divorced and his father ’ s iPad would soon be moving out of the house .
“ I ’ m going to miss Dad ’ s iPad so much when it isn ’ t here with me every day , ” said the sobbing fourth-grader , who was reportedly struggling to come to terms with the fact that the device that comforted him and made him smile @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when he woke up each morning and went to bed each night .
“ My whole life , anytime I ’ ve felt lonely or sad , I could go find my Dad ’ s iPad and we ’ d play a fun game together or find a YouTube channel that would cheer me up .
My favorite was weekends , when Dad didn ’ t need the iPad for work and we could spend the whole day together .
If I ask Mom to buy me a toy or game , she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s iPad always lets me .
I wish I could hold it right now.
” At press time , Warner was seen awkwardly getting to know his mom ’ s new boyfriend ’ s Amazon Fire tablet .

LA JOLLA, CA—His eyes flooding with tears as the full weight of the news sank in, local 9-year-old Taylor Warner announced Thursday that he was very sad his parents were getting divorced and his father’s iPad would soon be moving out of the house. “I’m going to miss Dad’s iPad so much when it isn’t here with me every day,” said the sobbing fourth-grader, who was reportedly struggling to come to terms with the fact that the device that comforted him and made him smile would no longer be there for him when he woke up each morning and went to bed each night. “My whole life, anytime I’ve felt lonely or sad, I could go find my Dad’s iPad and we’d play a fun game together or find a YouTube channel that would cheer me up. My favorite was weekends, when Dad didn’t need the iPad for work and we could spend the whole day together. If I ask Mom to buy me a toy or game, she usually says no, but Dad’s iPad always lets me. I wish I could hold it right now.” At press time, Warner was seen awkwardly getting to know his mom’s new boyfriend’s Amazon Fire tablet.


theonion--2020-10-29--Aspiring Actor Considers Giving Up After Struggling To Break Into Steven Spielberg’s House

LOS ANGELES—Complaining that successful entry was largely determined by nepotism , aspiring actor Xander Barrick confirmed Thursday he might give @ @ @ @ @ struggling for years to break into Steven Spielberg ’ s 20,000-square-foot Pacific Palisades compound .
@ @ @ @ @ in 2017 and have been trying to break in ever since , but there are @ @ @ @ @ have to overcome , ” said Barrick , admitting he was optimistic when he first @ @ @ @ @ after he landed in a spot on the front lawn and made a brief appearance @ @ @ @ @ room window .
“ Lately , I find myself climbing higher and higher only to @ @ @ @ @ level again .
It ’ s frustrating , because if I could make it in @ @ @ @ @ people would start noticing me in ways they haven ’ t before .
But it @ @ @ @ @ to get your foot in the door.
” At press time , several reports indic @ @ @ @ @ break into porn director Dale DaBone ’ s studio apartment .

LOS ANGELES—Complaining that successful entry was largely determined by nepotism, aspiring actor Xander Barrick confirmed Thursday he might give up on his dreams after struggling for years to break into Steven Spielberg’s 20,000-square-foot Pacific Palisades compound. “I moved out here in 2017 and have been trying to break in ever since, but there are just so many barriers you have to overcome,” said Barrick, admitting he was optimistic when he first arrived in Hollywood, especially after he landed in a spot on the front lawn and made a brief appearance in Spielberg’s living room window. “Lately, I find myself climbing higher and higher only to fall back down to ground level again. It’s frustrating, because if I could make it in this place, I know people would start noticing me in ways they haven’t before. But it’s just so hard to get your foot in the door.” At press time, several reports indic ated Barrick had resolved to break into porn director Dale DaBone’s studio apartment.


theonion--2020-10-29--Man Who Only Waited 15 Minutes To Vote Worried Experience Too Easy To Be Legitimate

ATHENS , GA—Growing increasingly suspicious as he reflected on the ease of casting his ballot , local man Andrew Perez told reporters Thursday that he worried only 15 minutes of waiting had meant his voting experience had been too easy to be legitimate .
“ Man , I was just in and out of the polling place in no time , so I don ’ t know if my ballot is even being counted , ” said the visibly flustered Perez , who grew overcome with a sinking feeling after remarking that he failed to encounter a single obstacle at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ think of it , there were a lot of pretty sketchy signs—the place had plenty of ballots , they didn ’ t bother me about my driver ’ s license , the machine worked fine , and there were no poll watchers outside trying to hassle anyone .
Also , the instructions on how to fill out the ballot itself the were clear and easy to follow .
Jesus , what the fuck was wrong with this place ?
” At press time , Perez ’ s worries had been alleviated after receiving @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rejected for being improperly filled out .

ATHENS, GA—Growing increasingly suspicious as he reflected on the ease of casting his ballot, local man Andrew Perez told reporters Thursday that he worried only 15 minutes of waiting had meant his voting experience had been too easy to be legitimate. “Man, I was just in and out of the polling place in no time, so I don’t know if my ballot is even being counted,” said the visibly flustered Perez, who grew overcome with a sinking feeling after remarking that he failed to encounter a single obstacle at the ballot box. “Come to think of it, there were a lot of pretty sketchy signs—the place had plenty of ballots, they didn’t bother me about my driver’s license, the machine worked fine, and there were no poll watchers outside trying to hassle anyone. Also, the instructions on how to fill out the ballot itself the were clear and easy to follow. Jesus, what the fuck was wrong with this place?” At press time, Perez’s worries had been alleviated after receiving a letter saying his ballot had been rejected for being improperly filled out.


theonion--2020-10-29--The Onion’s State-By-State Election Guide