theonion--2020-07-28--Kyrie Irving Donates $1.5 Million To Support WNBA Players Sitting Out Season

Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving has pledged $ 1.5 million to help supplement the incomes of WNBA players who @ @ @ @ @ 2020 season due to coronavirus concerns or for social justice reasons .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ t th is just incentivize players to do what ’ s best for them ?
@ @ @ @ @ really hate women ’ s basketball to pay them to not play.
” “ Yeah @ @ @ @ @ of that money is being paid out in basketballs .
”

Brooklyn Nets point guard Kyrie Irving has pledged $1.5 million to help supplement the incomes of WNBA players who have opted out of the 2020 season due to coronavirus concerns or for social justice reasons. What do you think?
“Won’t th is just incentivize players to do what’s best for them?” Tony Coleman, Pond Dredging Expert
“This guy must really hate women’s basketball to pay them to not play.” Patti Tuck, Bindle Maker
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theonion--2020-07-28--Area Man Will Always Remember This As The Summer He Lived Life Normally And Everyone Was Mad At Him

AUSTIN , TX—Getting sentimental as he discussed going about his regular routine to the outrage of those around him , area man Mike Kinkel told reporters Tuesday that he would always remember this as the summer he lived life normally and everyone got really mad at him all the time .
“ Years from now , when I look back on these months , I ’ ll fondly recall how I didn ’ t change my behavior one bit and people often crossed the street to avoid me , in some cases yelling at me about how I was helping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kinkel , blissfully reminiscing about his annual Fourth of July barbecue bash , which he held with his usual 75-person guest list , only to be cursed out by his neighbors for the large gathering .
“ People will remember this summer for a lot of reasons , but for me what stands out are the times I continued to eat indoors at all my favorite restaurants while people walking passed gave me the stink eye and muttered that I was a fucking asshole for not wearing a mask .
It ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ social media feed years from now and read all the angry comments on the photos I posted of me out on the town or in crowded , unventilated bars with my group of friends.
” At press time , sources confirmed Kinkel was busy making new summertime memories while being intubated by irritated doctors .

AUSTIN, TX—Getting sentimental as he discussed going about his regular routine to the outrage of those around him, area man Mike Kinkel told reporters Tuesday that he would always remember this as the summer he lived life normally and everyone got really mad at him all the time. “Years from now, when I look back on these months, I’ll fondly recall how I didn’t change my behavior one bit and people often crossed the street to avoid me, in some cases yelling at me about how I was helping to spread deadly germs,” said Kinkel, blissfully reminiscing about his annual Fourth of July barbecue bash, which he held with his usual 75-person guest list, only to be cursed out by his neighbors for the large gathering. “People will remember this summer for a lot of reasons, but for me what stands out are the times I continued to eat indoors at all my favorite restaurants while people walking passed gave me the stink eye and muttered that I was a fucking asshole for not wearing a mask. It’ll be fun to go back through my social media feed years from now and read all the angry comments on the photos I posted of me out on the town or in crowded, unventilated bars with my group of friends.” At press time, sources confirmed Kinkel was busy making new summertime memories while being intubated by irritated doctors.


theonion--2020-07-28--‘We Are Upholding The Rule Of Law,’ Bill Barr Tells Congress While Federal Agents Drag Jerry Nadler

‘We Are Upholding The Rule Of Law,’ Bill Barr Tells Congress While Federal Agents Drag Jerry Nadler Into Unmarked Van

WASHINGTON—Assuring lawmakers that his department was operating strictly according to the book , Attorney General Bill Barr told Congress during a testimony Tuesday that he only intended to “ uphold the rule of law ” while federal agents dragged a screaming Jerry Nadler outside into an unmarked van .
“ This is standard agency practice that has been in place in administrations long before this one to quiet unrest like what we ’ re seeing in the Capitol building today , ” said Barr after unidentified agents burst into the House Chamber , covered the California representative ’ s face @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hands , and led him to a white federal vehicle awaiting along with Reps. Hakeem Jeffries and Pramila Jayapal .
“ When you have hundreds of Congress members demonstrating inside the building daily , we need to do something to restore order .
Frankly , the resistance like some of these legislators showed in being dragged from this testimony suggests that they do not have peaceful intentions.
” At press time , Mitch McConnell had requested Barr provide immediate testimony to explain why he had not yet also sent in troops to restore @ @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Assuring lawmakers that his department was operating strictly according to the book, Attorney General Bill Barr told Congress during a testimony Tuesday that he only intended to “uphold the rule of law” while federal agents dragged a screaming Jerry Nadler outside into an unmarked van. “This is standard agency practice that has been in place in administrations long before this one to quiet unrest like what we’re seeing in the Capitol building today,” said Barr after unidentified agents burst into the House Chamber, covered the California representative’s face with a black bag, zip-tied his hands, and led him to a white federal vehicle awaiting along with Reps. Hakeem Jeffries and Pramila Jayapal. “When you have hundreds of Congress members demonstrating inside the building daily, we need to do something to restore order. Frankly, the resistance like some of these legislators showed in being dragged from this testimony suggests that they do not have peaceful intentions.” At press time, Mitch McConnell had requested Barr provide immediate testimony to explain why he had not yet also sent in troops to restore order in the unruly Senate chambers.


theonion--2020-07-28--Queen Elizabeth II Worried She’s Next On Chopping Block If Beefeaters Laid Off

LONDON—Following last week ’ s announcement that the Tower of London guards known as Beefeaters could face layoffs for the first time since their formation in 1485 , Queen Elizabeth II reportedly grew concerned Tuesday that she could be “ next on the chopping block.
” “ Oh dear , if the Yeoman Warders who keep watch over my Crown Jewels have been sacked , it won ’ t be long before they get ’ round to me , will it ?
” said the visibly nervous 94-year-old monarch , who acknowledged the severity of her country ’ s economic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ far fewer knightings since the coronavirus lockdown began , despite continuing to receive her estimated $ 97.2 million annual salary .
“ Eventually some consultant will notice I ’ m still on the payroll and decide my kingdom can get along without me .
I suppose I have been coasting a bit for the past six or seven decades .
If they do make me redundant , they ’ ll have to restructure a bit , since no one else here has the same job title I do—or maybe they ’ ll just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , sources confirmed the queen was making phone calls and sending emails in an attempt to at least look busy .

LONDON—Following last week’s announcement that the Tower of London guards known as Beefeaters could face layoffs for the first time since their formation in 1485, Queen Elizabeth II reportedly grew concerned Tuesday that she could be “next on the chopping block.” “Oh dear, if the Yeoman Warders who keep watch over my Crown Jewels have been sacked, it won’t be long before they get ’round to me, will it?” said the visibly nervous 94-year-old monarch, who acknowledged the severity of her country’s economic downturn and conceded she had carried out far fewer knightings since the coronavirus lockdown began, despite continuing to receive her estimated $97.2 million annual salary. “Eventually some consultant will notice I’m still on the payroll and decide my kingdom can get along without me. I suppose I have been coasting a bit for the past six or seven decades. If they do make me redundant, they’ll have to restructure a bit, since no one else here has the same job title I do—or maybe they’ll just replace me with someone younger.” At press time, sources confirmed the queen was making phone calls and sending emails in an attempt to at least look busy.


theonion--2020-07-28--L.A. Designates Open-Air Dining Areas Along 101 Freeway Median

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide residents with a way to more safely patronize restaurants without fear of contracting Covid-19 @ @ @ @ @ a new initiative Tuesday to designate open-air dining areas along the 101 freeway median .
@ @ @ @ @ to take this bold step to give Angelinos a chance to dine while enjoying the @ @ @ @ @ iconic L.A. stretch of interstate highway , ” said Mayor Eric Garcetti , telling reporters @ @ @ @ @ be spaced out at socially distant intervals and minimize contact with servers by keeping restaurant @ @ @ @ @ of the road until they needed to dash across three lanes of traffic to take @ @ @ @ @ “ This will provide much-needed economic relief to local restaurants and give L.A. residents a @ @ @ @ @ their homes and enjoy some of the best cuisine in the country in a safe @ @ @ @ @ press time , Garcetti had placed the initiative on a temporary pause after a 10-car @ @ @ @ @ brunch orders .

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to provide residents with a way to more safely patronize restaurants without fear of contracting Covid-19, Los Angeles officials announced a new initiative Tuesday to designate open-air dining areas along the 101 freeway median. “We’re thrilled to take this bold step to give Angelinos a chance to dine while enjoying the sights and sounds of the iconic L.A. stretch of interstate highway,” said Mayor Eric Garcetti, telling reporters that the designated sections would be spaced out at socially distant intervals and minimize contact with servers by keeping restaurant staff on the opposite side of the road until they needed to dash across three lanes of traffic to take orders and serve food. “This will provide much-needed economic relief to local restaurants and give L.A. residents a chance to get out of their homes and enjoy some of the best cuisine in the country in a safe and responsible way.” At press time, Garcetti had placed the initiative on a temporary pause after a 10-car pileup caused widespread delays to brunch orders.


theonion--2020-07-28--Mom Calls Daughter In Panic After Ultra-Realistic Nightmare That She Chopped Off Her Beautiful Hair

SANTA CLARITA , CA—Saying that the terrifying image was still seared into her brain , local mom Jeannine Kirchner called her daughter Tuesday in a panic after she had an ultra-realistic nightmare she cut off her beautiful hair .
“ Oh my God , I had the worst dream last night , where I was just sitting on my couch and then all of a sudden you texted me and told me you cut six inches of your gorgeous locks , ” said Kirchner , adding that when she finally saw her daughter in the dream , her hair was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t compliment her face shape at all .
“ I don ’ t know , it just felt so real , you know ?
Not to be dramatic , but you just worked so hard to grow out your hair after that awful bob you got a few years ago .
Promise you ’ ll never cut it like that again , or dye it , or get one of those haircuts where you shave the side of your head .
Okay ?
” At press time , Kirchner let out a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she had , in fact , gotten bangs yesterday .

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying that the terrifying image was still seared into her brain, local mom Jeannine Kirchner called her daughter Tuesday in a panic after she had an ultra-realistic nightmare she cut off her beautiful hair. “Oh my God, I had the worst dream last night, where I was just sitting on my couch and then all of a sudden you texted me and told me you cut six inches of your gorgeous locks,” said Kirchner, adding that when she finally saw her daughter in the dream, her hair was up by her chin, which didn’t compliment her face shape at all. “I don’t know, it just felt so real, you know? Not to be dramatic, but you just worked so hard to grow out your hair after that awful bob you got a few years ago. Promise you’ll never cut it like that again, or dye it, or get one of those haircuts where you shave the side of your head. Okay?” At press time, Kirchner let out a blood-curdling scream when her daughter revealed that she had, in fact, gotten bangs yesterday.


theonion--2020-07-28--Anteater Knows It’s Stereotypical But Can’t Help But Love Ants

GRAN CHACO , BOLIVIA—Despite expressing reservations about being a caricature of his entire species , local giant anteater Armando Snout @ @ @ @ @ he knew it was stereotypical , he couldn ’ t help but love ants .
@ @ @ @ @ know , I ’ m a walking cliché , but can you blame a guy—they @ @ @ @ @ , ” said the anteater , adding that no matter how many termites or soft-bodied @ @ @ @ @ always found himself going right back to ants .
“ What am I supposed to @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t love those little dudes ?
If I ’ m being totally honest @ @ @ @ @ I ’ d rather do than stick my long tongue into an anthill and spend @ @ @ @ @ by the dozen .
I don ’ t want to be a self-parody or anything @ @ @ @ @ fruit , and you don ’ t see them freaking out.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ his comments after accidentally getting his tongue stuck in an ant colony .

GRAN CHACO, BOLIVIA—Despite expressing reservations about being a caricature of his entire species, local giant anteater Armando Snout confirmed Tuesday that even though he knew it was stereotypical, he couldn’t help but love ants. “I know, I know, I’m a walking cliché, but can you blame a guy—they’re just plain delicious,” said the anteater, adding that no matter how many termites or soft-bodied grubs he ate, he always found himself going right back to ants. “What am I supposed to do, pretend like I don’t love those little dudes? If I’m being totally honest, there’s nothing I’d rather do than stick my long tongue into an anthill and spend my afternoon sucking them out by the dozen. I don’t want to be a self-parody or anything, but fruit bats like fruit, and you don’t see them freaking out.” At press time, the anteater had retracted his comments after accidentally getting his tongue stuck in an ant colony.


theonion--2020-07-28--U.S. Requires Hurricanes To Quarantine For 2 Weeks Before Traveling To Other States Along Coastline

The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on @ @ @ @ @ the country .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

The NOAA is ordering all tropical cyclones to storm in place for a minimum of 14 days before moving on to destroy other parts of the country.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


Funeral Alright

ROCKFORD , IL—Describing the ceremony as lackluster but nonetheless functional , family friend Taylor Evans told reporters Wednesday that the homegoing service of Charles Culpepper was just alright .
“ It wasn ’ t one of my favorites—not even in top five—but it celebrated Chuck ’ s life , and that ’ s ultimately what it ’ s all about , ” said Evans , noting the “ less than spectacular ” turnout and describing the reception spread as “ fairly pedestrian.
” “ I like that his granddaughter kept it short with her eulogy , although it didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a connection .
They had a little slideshow of pictures , and a few of them were pretty funny , I guess .
Honestly , it wasn ’ t the most organized funeral , either .
We had some trouble getting the procession set up , but it all got sorted out eventually .
I decided to skip the repass , and that should really tell you all you need to know.
” At press time , Evans tossed out Culpepper ’ s funeral program after resolving that it didn ’ t merit @ @ @ @ @ @

ROCKFORD, IL—Describing the ceremony as lackluster but nonetheless functional, family friend Taylor Evans told reporters Wednesday that the homegoing service of Charles Culpepper was just alright. “It wasn’t one of my favorites—not even in top five—but it celebrated Chuck’s life, and that’s ultimately what it’s all about,” said Evans, noting the “less than spectacular” turnout and describing the reception spread as “fairly pedestrian.” “I like that his granddaughter kept it short with her eulogy, although it didn’t sound like they had much of a connection. They had a little slideshow of pictures, and a few of them were pretty funny, I guess. Honestly, it wasn’t the most organized funeral, either. We had some trouble getting the procession set up, but it all got sorted out eventually. I decided to skip the repass, and that should really tell you all you need to know.” At press time, Evans tossed out Culpepper’s funeral program after resolving that it didn’t merit a spot on his wall-of-fame.


theonion--2020-07-29--God Reminds Angels That Helping Struggling Baseball Teams Their Number-One Priority

THE HEAVENS—Admonishing His flock for concerning themselves with human affairs beyond the ballpark , God , Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe , reminded angels Wednesday that helping struggling baseball teams was their number-one priority .
“ If I don ’ t see you giving a lackluster batter the strength to hit a home run , I ’ m shipping your ass out , ” said the Lord Our Savior , clarifying that MLB players experiencing family strife , which could be solved with a World Series win , should receive priority status .
“ I understand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ want to help poor and sick people , but you need to understand that we focus on scrappy ball clubs .
That ’ s the point of religion .
Sure , every now and then I ’ ll grant a dying child ’ s wish , but that ’ s for Me to worry about .
You should spend most of your day distracting elite baseball teams , so tenacious underdogs can score off errors.
” At press time , God banished six angels from His heavenly kingdom for gambling on the Yankees @

THE HEAVENS—Admonishing His flock for concerning themselves with human affairs beyond the ballpark, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reminded angels Wednesday that helping struggling baseball teams was their number-one priority. “If I don’t see you giving a lackluster batter the strength to hit a home run, I’m shipping your ass out,” said the Lord Our Savior, clarifying that MLB players experiencing family strife, which could be solved with a World Series win, should receive priority status. “I understand some of you are new here and want to help poor and sick people, but you need to understand that we focus on scrappy ball clubs. That’s the point of religion. Sure, every now and then I’ll grant a dying child’s wish, but that’s for Me to worry about. You should spend most of your day distracting elite baseball teams, so tenacious underdogs can score off errors.” At press time, God banished six angels from His heavenly kingdom for gambling on the Yankees.


theonion--2020-07-29--Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Making Stupid Toys For Babies

They want to make cool toys for big kids , like video games and airsoft guns .
But is the @ @ @ @ @ rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap ?
You can find The @ @ @ @ @ Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

They want to make cool toys for big kids, like video games and airsoft guns. But is the company best known for making rattles and corn poppers mature enough to make the leap?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-29--Rescue Team Saves St. Bernard From England’s Highest Peak

A team of 16 rescuers say they “ didn ’ t need to think twice ” about mobilizing and retrieving @ @ @ @ @ Daisy from Scafell Pike , England ’ s highest peak , on Friday after she @ @ @ @ @ summit .
What do you think ?
“ Yeah , better to euthanize it at @ @ @ @ @ This is why I say we get rid of mountains .
”

A team of 16 rescuers say they “didn’t need to think twice” about mobilizing and retrieving a 120-pound St. Bernard named Daisy from Scafell Pike, England’s highest peak, on Friday after she injured her leg at the summit. What do you think?
“Yeah, better to euthanize it at a proper facility.” Ashley Brogger • Yarn Spooler
“This is why I say we get rid of mountains.” James Santiago • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-07-29--Tech CEOs Testify Before Congress In Antitrust Hearing

Jeff Bezos , Tim Cook , Mark Zuckerberg , and Sundar Pichai testified before Congress on Wednesday following a year @ @ @ @ @ Antitrust Subcommittee into accusations that the companies ’ practices harm consumers and stifle competition .
@ @ @ @ @ “ What ’ s the big deal ?
We still have four companies to choose @ @ @ @ @ when just one Congress monopolizes all the federal lawmaking.
” “ I wish someone cared @ @ @ @ @ my business practices for a year .
”

Jeff Bezos, Tim Cook, Mark Zuckerberg, and Sundar Pichai testified before Congress on Wednesday following a year of investigation by the House Antitrust Subcommittee into accusations that the companies’ practices harm consumers and stifle competition. What do you think?
“What’s the big deal? We still have four companies to choose from.” Kate Murney • Unemployed
“So hypocritical when just one Congress monopolizes all the federal lawmaking.” David Beacher • Envelope Embosser
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theonion--2020-07-29--Brian Kemp Pushes Against Coronavirus Restrictions By Moving All Government Business To Packed Indoo

Brian Kemp Pushes Against Coronavirus Restrictions By Moving All Government Business To Packed Indoor Pool

ATLANTA—Further escalating tensions with the mayors of his state , Georgia governor Brian Kemp reportedly pushed against calls for more coronavirus restrictions Wednesday by moving all government business to a packed indoor pool .
“ In order to fight the gross government overreach of these so-called protective measures , we will be holding all budget , infrastructure , and judiciary meetings in a 25-meter indoor pool that ’ s absolutely crammed with swimmers , ” said Kemp who addressed the press while treading water , adding that there will be a total ban on masks and reporters would only be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into the pool .
“ By conducting our affairs in an aquatic recreation area with a lack of social distancing measures and poor ventilation , we want to show that we stand with all the Georgians out there who refuse to let the government dictate their lives .
All breakout sessions will be held in the shallow end while floor votes will be taking place in lanes 1 through 4 , and as for refreshments , there will be a floating beverage station with a communal glass of water for everyone to drink @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kemp demanded everyone stay in the water after Lt. Gov .
Geoff Duncan urinated in the pool .

ATLANTA—Further escalating tensions with the mayors of his state, Georgia governor Brian Kemp reportedly pushed against calls for more coronavirus restrictions Wednesday by moving all government business to a packed indoor pool. “In order to fight the gross government overreach of these so-called protective measures, we will be holding all budget, infrastructure, and judiciary meetings in a 25-meter indoor pool that’s absolutely crammed with swimmers,” said Kemp who addressed the press while treading water, adding that there will be a total ban on masks and reporters would only be allowed to ask questions if they hopped into the pool. “By conducting our affairs in an aquatic recreation area with a lack of social distancing measures and poor ventilation, we want to show that we stand with all the Georgians out there who refuse to let the government dictate their lives. All breakout sessions will be held in the shallow end while floor votes will be taking place in lanes 1 through 4, and as for refreshments, there will be a floating beverage station with a communal glass of water for everyone to drink out of.” At press time, Kemp demanded everyone stay in the water after Lt. Gov. Geoff Duncan urinated in the pool.


theonion--2020-07-29--Rob Manfred Frustrated MLB Season Falling Apart Despite All The Energy He Put Into Wishing It Wouldn

Rob Manfred Frustrated MLB Season Falling Apart Despite All The Energy He Put Into Wishing It Wouldn’t

NEW YORK—Incredulous that all his work could be for nothing , MLB commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Wednesday he was @ @ @ @ @ falling apart despite all the energy he put into wishing it wouldn ’ t .
@ @ @ @ @ , squeezed my eyes shut tight , and wished that the MLB season would turn @ @ @ @ @ things are still not working out , ” said Manfred , who claimed he was @ @ @ @ @ top MLB executives over the past months outlining detailed hopes and prayers they had for @ @ @ @ @ season .
“ Nobody talked about keeping players safe harder than me this year .
@ @ @ @ @ was going to backfire no matter how much I repeated ‘ This will be okay.
@ @ @ @ @ the power of coming into work and wanting something real bad every day , but @ @ @ @ @ .
I just wish I knew what to wish for to stop this.
” At @ @ @ @ @ a new quarantine plan to fine players $ 100,000 for contracting coronavirus .

NEW YORK—Incredulous that all his work could be for nothing, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Wednesday he was frustrated the season is already falling apart despite all the energy he put into wishing it wouldn’t. “I concentrated super hard, squeezed my eyes shut tight, and wished that the MLB season would turn out well, and yet things are still not working out,” said Manfred, who claimed he was in hundreds of meetings with top MLB executives over the past months outlining detailed hopes and prayers they had for a smooth and safe 2020 season. “Nobody talked about keeping players safe harder than me this year. It almost feels like this was going to backfire no matter how much I repeated ‘This will be okay.’ I always believed in the power of coming into work and wanting something real bad every day, but I fell short this time. I just wish I knew what to wish for to stop this.” At press time, Manfred announced a new quarantine plan to fine players $100,000 for contracting coronavirus.


theonion--2020-07-29--Hopefully Neighborhood Children Enjoy 2004 Coding Textbook Man Added To Lending Library

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to make a positive impact in his community , local software engineer Marquis Edwin hoped Wednesday that @ @ @ @ @ would enjoy the 2004 coding textbook he added to the lending library .
“ This @ @ @ @ @ a really solid foundation of code and debugging techniques , and the sky ’ s @ @ @ @ @ ” said Edwin , who figured there were already enough Danielle Steele , Andrew Vachss @ @ @ @ @ “ I think someone will get a real kick out of it .
This edition @ @ @ @ @ years old and , besides , this stuff never really goes out of date.
” @ @ @ @ @ wrote his name and phone number in the textbook in case any of the children @ @ @ @ @

PHILADELPHIA—In an effort to make a positive impact in his community, local software engineer Marquis Edwin hoped Wednesday that the children in his neighborhood would enjoy the 2004 coding textbook he added to the lending library. “This is going to give them a really solid foundation of code and debugging techniques, and the sky’s the limit from there,” said Edwin, who figured there were already enough Danielle Steele, Andrew Vachss, and Roald Dahl books.“I think someone will get a real kick out of it. This edition is actually less than 20 years old and, besides, this stuff never really goes out of date.” At press time, Edwin wrote his name and phone number in the textbook in case any of the children had questions for him.


theonion--2020-07-29--Scientists Locate Impact Crater From Asteroid That Destroyed Roman Empire

ROME—Shedding new light on the demise of the long-extinct sovereignty , archeologists from Princeton University announced Wednesday that they had located the impact crater made by the asteroid that destroyed the Roman Empire .
“ This astonishing find helps us understand what really occurred during the final days of the great epoch when Romans ruled the Earth , ” said lead researcher Alicia Shelangoski , confirming that the date of the impact coincided with the end of the Empire and should put to rest longstanding theories attributing Romans ’ demise to volcanic activity near Pompeii or global temperatures becoming too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Based on the size and location of the crater , we believe that the projectile originally collided with the Forum , effectively obliterating the seat of Roman power , then ricocheted off against several key roads and aqueducts before finally making ground on the shores of the Tiber .
It happened so quickly that these once-mighty emperors and patricians likely never saw it coming.
” At press time , Shelangoski admitted that some scientists continued to theorize that Romans who were able to adapt to the new political climate had actually spread @ @ @ @ @

ROME—Shedding new light on the demise of the long-extinct sovereignty, archeologists from Princeton University announced Wednesday that they had located the impact crater made by the asteroid that destroyed the Roman Empire. “This astonishing find helps us understand what really occurred during the final days of the great epoch when Romans ruled the Earth,” said lead researcher Alicia Shelangoski, confirming that the date of the impact coincided with the end of the Empire and should put to rest longstanding theories attributing Romans’ demise to volcanic activity near Pompeii or global temperatures becoming too low for Mediterranean citizens to survive. “Based on the size and location of the crater, we believe that the projectile originally collided with the Forum, effectively obliterating the seat of Roman power, then ricocheted off against several key roads and aqueducts before finally making ground on the shores of the Tiber. It happened so quickly that these once-mighty emperors and patricians likely never saw it coming.” At press time, Shelangoski admitted that some scientists continued to theorize that Romans who were able to adapt to the new political climate had actually spread and flourished throughout Byzantium.


theonion--2020-07-29--Pros And Cons Of Banning TikTok

Pros And Cons Of Banning TikTok

TikTok , a wildly popular video-sharing app , has come under fire from President Trump and tech security critics both @ @ @ @ @ large Chinese company and for the spread of conspiracy theories on the platform , leading @ @ @ @ @ be banned in the U.S .
The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of @ @ @ @ @ trying to figure out how it works Last post only got nine views Fun little @ @ @ @ @ countries locked in complex trade war Just started to get hang of leaking personal data @ @ @ @ @ for another algorithm to figure me out Teens will just find another way to hand @ @ @ @ @ companies No fucking way we ’ re going back to Instagram stories The only TikTok @ @ @ @ @ to entertain us is the long , drawn-out passage of time

TikTok, a wildly popular video-sharing app, has come under fire from President Trump and tech security critics both for being owned by a large Chinese company and for the spread of conspiracy theories on the platform, leading to calls for it to be banned in the U.S. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning TikTok.
PRO
Perpetuate illusion of keeping Americans’ personal data safe
Prevents China from pilfering national choreography secrets
Easier than trying to figure out how it works
Last post only got nine views
Fun little way to stoke tensions between countries locked in complex trade war
CON
Just started to get hang of leaking personal data
It’ll take months for another algorithm to figure me out
Teens will just find another way to hand over personal information to foreign companies
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No fucking way we’re going back to Instagram stories
The only TikTok we’ll have left to entertain us is the long, drawn-out passage of time


theonion--2020-07-29--Fisher-Price Announces Company Has Grown Out Of Making Stupid Toys For Babies


theonion--2020-07-30--Mattel Unveils Barbie 2020 Campaign Team Dolls

Mattel announced a lineup of four new Barbie dolls , including a presidential candidate , a campaign manager , a @ @ @ @ @ , which the company hopes will encourage young girls to see themselves in public leadership @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ It ’ s too late , she ’ ll never make it @ @ @ @ @ this close to the election.
” “ This is a big win for the very @ @ @ @ @ who dream of being campaign fundraisers .
”

Mattel announced a lineup of four new Barbie dolls, including a presidential candidate, a campaign manager, a fundraiser, and a voter, which the company hopes will encourage young girls to see themselves in public leadership roles. What do you think?
“No, thanks . I’m a registered Bratz voter.” Dale Warner • Systems Analyst
“It’s too late, she’ll never make it onto any of the ballots this close to the election.” Shirley Majors • Memo Stapler
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theonion--2020-07-30--Biden Campaign Whittles VP Shortlist Down To Either Woman Or Man With Long Hair

WASHINGTON—Following months of scrupulous vetting and careful political calculation , Joe Biden ’ s vice-presidential selection committee announced Thursday it had whittled down its shortlist to include only women , and also men who have long hair .
“ I believe a presidential administration should look like the country it represents , so I ’ ve decided my running mate will be a woman—quite possibly a woman of color—or else a man with long , flowing locks that fall at least to his shoulders , ” said Biden , noting that a candidate from either category could make history , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , or as the first male vice president with long hair in modern times—perhaps since John Tyler , who was elected to the post in 1940 with a shaggy , unkempt mane .
“ We ’ ve got our list down to five highly qualified women and ruggedly styled men , any one of whom would make a fantastic addition to Team Joe .
These are candidates whose unique identities have informed their experiences , whether as accomplished women who have carved out careers in fields traditionally dominated by men , or as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ necks who know what it ’ s like to make their way in a world run by short-haired men .
Rest assured , my White House will reflect this nation ’ s great diversity of awesome looks.
” At press time , Biden had clarified any long-haired man selected wouldn ’ t be a hippie .

WASHINGTON—Following months of scrupulous vetting and careful political calculation, Joe Biden’s vice-presidential selection committee announced Thursday it had whittled down its shortlist to include only women, and also men who have long hair. “I believe a presidential administration should look like the country it represents, so I’ve decided my running mate will be a woman—quite possibly a woman of color—or else a man with long, flowing locks that fall at least to his shoulders,” said Biden, noting that a candidate from either category could make history, whether as the first female vice president, or as the first male vice president with long hair in modern times—perhaps since John Tyler, who was elected to the post in 1940 with a shaggy, unkempt mane. “We’ve got our list down to five highly qualified women and ruggedly styled men, any one of whom would make a fantastic addition to Team Joe. These are candidates whose unique identities have informed their experiences, whether as accomplished women who have carved out careers in fields traditionally dominated by men, or as men with curly waves cascading down their necks who know what it’s like to make their way in a world run by short-haired men. Rest assured, my White House will reflect this nation’s great diversity of awesome looks.” At press time, Biden had clarified any long-haired man selected wouldn’t be a hippie.


theonion--2020-07-30--Top Contenders For The 2020 NBA Season Restart

Can the Sixers stay healthy ?
Can any of us stay healthy ?
What is health ?
Does ‘ health @ @ @ @ @ to work and is thus a concept used by the ruling class to control labor @

Can the Sixers stay healthy? Can any of us stay healthy? What is health? Does ‘health’ simply imply a readiness to work and is thus a concept used by the ruling class to control labor?


theonion--2020-07-30--Ravens Fan Can’t Believe Ray Lewis Charging $300 On Cameo Just To Stab People

BALTIMORE—Scouring the video-messaging app to find the perfect birthday gift for his best friend and fellow season ticket holder , Ravens fan Dedrick Bell reportedly couldn ’ t believe Thursday that Ray Lewis was charging just $ 300 dollars on Cameo to stab people .
“ I know it ’ s a little pricey , but my buddy ’ s gon na flip when Ray jabs a knife into his gut , ” said Bell , explaining that all of his friends would love seeing the Hall Of Famer and Ravens great doing what he did best , even if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ We still love the team , but that 2001 Super Bowl squad just holds a special place in our hearts , and nobody could assault with a deadly weapon like Ray Lewis .
That bloody suit is still one of the most iconic memories from when we were young .
It ’ s a lot more than what I was planning to spend , but he ’ s only turning 30 once , so I decided to splurge for the serrated blade , too.
” At press time , Bell paid an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ frame him for his friends ’ murder .

BALTIMORE—Scouring the video-messaging app to find the perfect birthday gift for his best friend and fellow season ticket holder, Ravens fan Dedrick Bell reportedly couldn’t believe Thursday that Ray Lewis was charging just $300 dollars on Cameo to stab people. “I know it’s a little pricey, but my buddy’s gonna flip when Ray jabs a knife into his gut,” said Bell, explaining that all of his friends would love seeing the Hall Of Famer and Ravens great doing what he did best, even if it was just for 30 seconds. “We still love the team, but that 2001 Super Bowl squad just holds a special place in our hearts, and nobody could assault with a deadly weapon like Ray Lewis. That bloody suit is still one of the most iconic memories from when we were young. It’s a lot more than what I was planning to spend, but he’s only turning 30 once, so I decided to splurge for the serrated blade, too.” At press time, Bell paid an extra $100 dollars for Lewis to frame him for his friends’ murder.


theonion--2020-07-30--Ellen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them

Ellen: ‘I Never Intended To Make Staff Feel Unsafe By Wearing A Bloodied Ram Skull And Stalking Them With A Hatchet’

BURBANK , CA—Responding to allegations of mistreating employees on the set of her talk show , television host Ellen DeGeneres issued a public apology Thursday , stating “ I never intended to make staff feel unsafe by wearing a bloodied ram skull and stalking them with a hatchet.
” “ If anyone ever felt hurt when I threw them up against a wall , held the blade to their neck , and screamed , ‘ I will fucking kill you , ’ I ’ m sorry , ” said DeGeneres , who expressed her heartfelt concern for any role she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ environment in which horrified employees cowered on their hands and knees as she randomly bashed in their desks .
“ The idea that any member of my hardworking team would feel afraid as I drank wine out of a hollow femur and shrieked that I would come for anyone who dared threaten my sole dominance over this studio is deeply disturbing to me .
It was clearly never my intention to intimidate anyone by saying , ‘ I ’ m going to chop off your head and piss on your corpse.
’ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been misconstrued.
” At press time , DeGeneres had pulled a flail out of her jacket and apologized for what she was about to do to her publicist .

BURBANK, CA—Responding to allegations of mistreating employees on the set of her talk show, television host Ellen DeGeneres issued a public apology Thursday, stating “I never intended to make staff feel unsafe by wearing a bloodied ram skull and stalking them with a hatchet.” “If anyone ever felt hurt when I threw them up against a wall, held the blade to their neck, and screamed, ‘I will fucking kill you,’ I’m sorry,” said DeGeneres, who expressed her heartfelt concern for any role she may have played in creating a workplace environment in which horrified employees cowered on their hands and knees as she randomly bashed in their desks. “The idea that any member of my hardworking team would feel afraid as I drank wine out of a hollow femur and shrieked that I would come for anyone who dared threaten my sole dominance over this studio is deeply disturbing to me. It was clearly never my intention to intimidate anyone by saying, ‘I’m going to chop off your head and piss on your corpse.’ I feel terrible for the way this has been misconstrued.” At press time, DeGeneres had pulled a flail out of her jacket and apologized for what she was about to do to her publicist.


theonion--2020-07-30--Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago , earning @ @ @ @ @ on the massive stone structure .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

Hear how Carter managed to pull off the amazing feat during an official PBA-certified game two weeks ago, earning his face a coveted spot on the massive stone structure.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-30--Teens In India Discover Asteroid Near Mars

Space India and NASA have confirmed that two 14-year-olds working on a school project , Vaidehi Vekariya and Radhika Lakhani @ @ @ @ @ that will cross Earth ’ s orbit roughly one million years from now .
What @ @ @ @ @ And what exactly were those kids doing poking around up there ?
” “ Okay @ @ @ @ @ ’ t even be alive in one million years .
”

Space India and NASA have confirmed that two 14-year-olds working on a school project, Vaidehi Vekariya and Radhika Lakhani, have discovered an asteroid that will cross Earth’s orbit roughly one million years from now. What do you think?
“And what exactly were those kids doing poking around up there?” Shannon Beal • Coupon Clipper
“Okay, but I probably won’t even be alive in one million years.” Luke Pennachio • Butter Churner
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theonion--2020-07-31--New Blood Test Could Diagnose Alzheimer’s In Dementia Patients

Scientists say a newly developed blood test can accurately diagnose whether a patient has Alzheimer ’ s or other forms @ @ @ @ @ to provide better treatments and prognoses and opening the door for researchers to one day @ @ @ @ @ who are not showing symptoms .
What do you think ?
“ I spent a @ @ @ @ @ forget high school and no doctor is going to fuck that up for me now.
@ @ @ @ @ for whatever results in sticking confused people with needles.
” “ No thanks , I @ @ @ @ @ my own like a real man .
”

Scientists say a newly developed blood test can accurately diagnose whether a patient has Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, allowing doctors to provide better treatments and prognoses and opening the door for researchers to one day develop a test for people who are not showing symptoms. What do you think?
“I spent a long t ime trying to forget high school and no doctor is going to fuck that up for me now.” Shawn Ewing • Cryptoherpetologist
“I’m for whatever results in sticking confused people with needles.” Gillian Farthing • Rug Roller
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theonion--2020-07-31--Federal Troops Tear-Gas Yankees Off Field So Trump Can Throw Out First Pitch

NEW YORK—Moving in formation across the first-base line as terrified players scrambled into the dugout , federal troops reportedly tear-gassed the New York Yankees off the field Friday so President Donald Trump could throw out the first pitch before their opening home game .
Sources confirmed that minutes before their contest against the Boston Red Sox was scheduled to begin , dozens of federal troops rushed onto the field and set upon the Yankees starters , pushing them into foul territory with riot shields and beating several of them—including Brett Gardner , Gio Urshela , and Gleyber Torres—with batons .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ shout that they had no idea what was happening until they noticed a golf cart emerge from the bullpen with the president , who proceeded to stand on the mound and thank everyone for coming .
As the tear gas near the dugout dissipated , federal agents in full riot gear could be seen placing zip cuffs on the Yankees ’ relievers and attempting to confiscate cameras from the TV crew filming the game .
At press time , team sources had confirmed they had been unaware of the president ’ s planned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ holding a baseball before dropping it on the mound and walking away .

NEW YORK—Moving in formation across the first-base line as terrified players scrambled into the dugout, federal troops reportedly tear-gassed the New York Yankees off the field Friday so President Donald Trump could throw out the first pitch before their opening home game. Sources confirmed that minutes before their contest against the Boston Red Sox was scheduled to begin, dozens of federal troops rushed onto the field and set upon the Yankees starters, pushing them into foul territory with riot shields and beating several of them—including Brett Gardner, Gio Urshela, and Gleyber Torres—with batons. Yankees players and coaches were heard to shout that they had no idea what was happening until they noticed a golf cart emerge from the bullpen with the president, who proceeded to stand on the mound and thank everyone for coming. As the tear gas near the dugout dissipated, federal agents in full riot gear could be seen placing zip cuffs on the Yankees’ relievers and attempting to confiscate cameras from the TV crew filming the game. At press time, team sources had confirmed they had been unaware of the president’s planned attendance, while Trump posed for pictures holding a baseball before dropping it on the mound and walking away.


theonion--2020-07-31--Garth Brooks Withdraws Self From Top Country Music Association Award

Garth Brooks announced that he has taken himself out of the running for Entertainer of the Year at the 2020 @ @ @ @ @ has already won seven times and it ’ s time for him to step aside @ @ @ @ @ take the prize .
What do you think ?
“ This only makes me w @ @ @ @ @ prize even more.
” “ Yikes .
This little PR stunt might cost him the @ @ @ @ @

Garth Brooks announced that he has taken himself out of the running for Entertainer of the Year at the 2020 CMA awards, saying he has already won seven times and it’s time for him to step aside so a younger generation can take the prize. What do you think?
“This only makes me w ant to give him the prize even more.” Hank Cano • Unemployed
“I’ve always said country music needed term limits.” Frances Jarchow • Certified Gymnast
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theonion--2020-07-31--Barack Obama Storms Out Of Michelle Obama Podcast Interview After Questions About Administration’s D

Barack Obama Storms Out Of Michelle Obama Podcast Interview After Questions About Administration’s Drone Use

‘ We ’ re Done Here , ’ Says Former Commander In Chief WASHINGTON—Suddenly standing up and ending the interview as the conversation took a more heated turn , former President Barack Obama reportedly stormed out of a taping of The Michelle Obama Podcast Friday after the host continually pressed him on his administration ’ s drone use policy .
“ Hey , this is a complete ambush and I don ’ t have to just sit here and take it , ” said the ex-commander in chief , slamming the door of the studio on his way out before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cussing out Michelle Obama for what he viewed as “ unfair ‘ gotcha ’ questions ” about his controversial implementation of over 500 drone strikes during his presidency .
“ This was supposed to be a nice , low-key chat and you just spring all these accusations on me , none of which were on the pre-approved list of questions .
You think this kind of bullshit is how you make a name for yourself in this business ?
Well guess what , Michelle ?
You fucked up !
Good luck booking any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fucking 44th president of the United States.
” At press time , a visibly angry Obama was sitting in the car outside the studio , waiting for Michelle to finish so they could drive home together .

‘We’re Done Here,’ Says Former Commander In Chief
WASHINGTON—Suddenly standing up and ending the interview as the conversation took a more heated turn, former President Barack Obama reportedly stormed out of a taping of The Michelle Obama Podcast Friday after the host continually pressed him on his administration’s drone use policy. “Hey, this is a complete ambush and I don’t have to just sit here and take it,” said the ex-commander in chief, slamming the door of the studio on his way out before returning a few minutes later to continue cussing out Michelle Obama for what he viewed as “unfair ‘gotcha’ questions” about his controversial implementation of over 500 drone strikes during his presidency. “This was supposed to be a nice, low-key chat and you just spring all these accusations on me, none of which were on the pre-approved list of questions. You think this kind of bullshit is how you make a name for yourself in this business? Well guess what, Michelle? You fucked up! Good luck booking any more big-name guests after pissing off the fucking 44th president of the United States.” At press time, a visibly angry Obama was sitting in the car outside the studio, waiting for Michelle to finish so they could drive home together.


theonion--2020-07-31--Voting Rights Lawsuits That Could Affect The 2020 Election

A record 170 lawsuits have been filed around the country concerning voting rights , particularly in regard to the Covid-19 pandemic , and could have a significant impact on voting in November .
The Onion looks at some of the most prominent voting rights lawsuits that could affect the 2020 election .
Martin v. Missouri : Challenging Missouri ballot law requiring names of Democratic candidates to be printed in invisible ink .
MacMillan v. NY Board of Elections : Suing New York to grant voting rights to plaintiff ’ s very smart and gifted 11-year-old daughter .
Ayers v. Abbott @ @ @ @ @ @ @ masks , disinfectant wipes , and hand sanitizer at voting stations .
Mississippi v. United States : Just suing to make Trump winner of 2020 election in case that works .
White Supremacists for White Candidates for a White Country v. Hobbs : The group argues it ’ s being treated unfairly .
Jepsen v. Wisconsin Election Commission : Local man Phillip Jepsen sued the Wisconsin Election Commission to reopen a polling place he ’ s been trapped in since April .
Van Schaik v. Georgia Department of State : Creepy 900-page handwritten @ @ @ @ @ @ @ envelopes not licked to a specific wetness .
Jeremy v. Todd : Jeremy doesn ’ t think Todd should get to vote , and now it ’ s a whole thing .
Trump v. United States Postal Service : The president is suing to prevent USPS from providing mail-in ballots and for financial hardship stemming from a 1991 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue that never arrived in the mail .

A record 170 lawsuits have been filed around the country concerning voting rights, particularly in regard to the Covid-19 pandemic, and could have a significant impact on voting in November. The Onion looks at some of the most prominent voting rights lawsuits that could affect the 2020 election.
Martin v. Missouri: Challenging Missouri ballot law requiring names of Democratic candidates to be printed in invisible ink.
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MacMillan v. NY Board of Elections: Suing New York to grant voting rights to plaintiff’s very smart and gifted 11-year-old daughter.
Ayers v. Abbott: Suing Texas to ban use of masks, disinfectant wipes, and hand sanitizer at voting stations.
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Mississippi v. United States: Just suing to make Trump winner of 2020 election in case that works.
Thomas v. Michigan: Challenging ID law that requires a real eye-catching photo.
White Supremacists for White Candidates for a White Country v. Hobbs: The group argues it’s being treated unfairly.
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Jepsen v. Wisconsin Election Commission: Local man Phillip Jepsen sued the Wisconsin Election Commission to reopen a polling place he’s been trapped in since April.
Van Schaik v. Georgia Department of State: Creepy 900-page handwritten lawsuit demands government reject all mail-in ballot envelopes not licked to a specific wetness.
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Jeremy v. Todd: Jeremy doesn’t think Todd should get to vote, and now it’s a whole thing.
Trump v. United States Postal Service: The president is suing to prevent USPS from providing mail-in ballots and for financial hardship stemming from a 1991 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue that never arrived in the mail.


theonion--2020-07-31--Hacky Pop-Up Book’s Narrative Tension Pretty Dependent On Lifting Colored Flaps

IOWA CITY , IA—Deriding the work ’ s narrative structure as formulaic and ultimately predictable , local 4-year-old Sophia Newsome issued a pointed critical assessment of the pop-up book Mr. Pottle ’ s Green Garden Friday , arguing it was overly dependent upon the lifting of colored flaps .
“ Naturally , I was impressed the first time I turned up a shiny , glitter-adorned flap and Mrs. Rabbit suddenly entered the story , but by the fourth or fifth time it happened , it became clear that [ author Janet ] Whipple was relying too much on this single @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Newsome , admitting she asked her father to put down the book after “ patiently enduring ” the introductions by flap-lift of Mr .
Worm , Mr. Bumblebee , Mr .
Mouse , and Miss Frog .
“ Though in and of itself , the colored flap , as an extratextual construct , may be praiseworthy , its use by Whipple in these pages feels shopworn and a bit jejune .
Unfortunately , I fear Mr. Pottle ’ s Green Garden is even less successful than the author ’ s foray into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ initial gloss of the text may have been too superficial , citing the cheery song about a scarecrow that plays when the book ’ s last page is turned .

IOWA CITY, IA—Deriding the work’s narrative structure as formulaic and ultimately predictable, local 4-year-old Sophia Newsome issued a pointed critical assessment of the pop-up book Mr. Pottle’s Green Garden Friday, arguing it was overly dependent upon the lifting of colored flaps. “Naturally, I was impressed the first time I turned up a shiny, glitter-adorned flap and Mrs. Rabbit suddenly entered the story, but by the fourth or fifth time it happened, it became clear that [author Janet] Whipple was relying too much on this single device to generate dramatic tension,” said Newsome, admitting she asked her father to put down the book after “patiently enduring” the introductions by flap-lift of Mr. Worm, Mr. Bumblebee, Mr. Mouse, and Miss Frog. “Though in and of itself, the colored flap, as an extratextual construct, may be praiseworthy, its use by Whipple in these pages feels shopworn and a bit jejune. Unfortunately, I fear Mr. Pottle’s Green Garden is even less successful than the author’s foray into scratch-and-sniff literature.” Newsome later conceded her initial gloss of the text may have been too superficial, citing the cheery song about a scarecrow that plays when the book’s last page is turned.


theonion--2020-07-31--Federal Agents Drive 3 Hours Away From Portland Before Realizing Abducted Protester Still In Backsea

Federal Agents Drive 3 Hours Away From Portland Before Realizing Abducted Protester Still In Backseat

ECHO , OR—Cursing their inattention and debating whether they should turn around , several U.S. federal agents reportedly had driven three hours away from Portland Friday before realizing an abducted protester was still in the backseat .
“ Goddamnit , how did we miss him ?
” said federal agent Steve LaJoie to his partner after hearing muffled cries from a handcuffed man and registering that he must have been unconscious in the backseat of their unmarked vehicle for nearly 200 miles since the operatives had pulled out of Portland .
“ Shit , we hightailed it out of there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ check the backseat .
Hey , Dave , did you pick up this guy ?
I don ’ t remember grabbing him and shoving him back there .
Fuck , our ass is grass if we show up at headquarters with an abducted protester .
Someone look online to see if anyone ’ s posting about him going missing .
There ’ s only one , right ?
Check under the seats.
” At press time , the federal agents had decided to pull over at the next ditch and shoot him .

ECHO, OR—Cursing their inattention and debating whether they should turn around, several U.S. federal agents reportedly had driven three hours away from Portland Friday before realizing an abducted protester was still in the backseat. “Goddamnit, how did we miss him?” said federal agent Steve LaJoie to his partner after hearing muffled cries from a handcuffed man and registering that he must have been unconscious in the backseat of their unmarked vehicle for nearly 200 miles since the operatives had pulled out of Portland. “Shit, we hightailed it out of there so quickly we didn’t even check the backseat. Hey, Dave, did you pick up this guy? I don’t remember grabbing him and shoving him back there. Fuck, our ass is grass if we show up at headquarters with an abducted protester. Someone look online to see if anyone’s posting about him going missing. There’s only one, right? Check under the seats.” At press time, the federal agents had decided to pull over at the next ditch and shoot him.


theonion--2020-07-31--Real-Life ‘Nintendogs’? This Furry 4-Legged Creature Loves To Snuggle And Play

Ever since its 2005 release , Nintendogs has built up a loyal fanbase of those who fell in love with the title ’ s adorable cast of cuddly characters , yet resigned themselves to never seeing anything as cute in their daily lives .
Well , gamers , feast your eyes on this : It turns out there ’ s a real-life creature called a “ possum ” that ’ s just as snuggly as a Nintendog .
Aww .
Just look at that face !
Nintendo must have gotten some serious inspiration from these little cuties when they were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because they ’ re just as playful and fluffy as the golden retrievers from the handheld classic .
That ’ s why we knew we had to grab one of these sweeties in a blanket and bring it back to our home office when we saw it milling around in a local park .
It ’ s just as sweet as a Nintendog , and it even makes a sharp , spitting “ bark ” sound when you throw a ball at it .
Agh .
We ’ re basically melting into a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Word to the wise , though—unlike the in-game Nintendogs , which respond to voice commands and learn tricks , this precious pup just seems to scramble away and hide in your attic if you approach it and try to give it a nice chew toy .
Similarly , you ’ re going to need to get into the habit of feeding your real-life Nintendog several times daily with trash , rotten fruit , and compost .
Strangely enough , these adorable guys also seem to get very angry and claw at anyone who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while calling them a “ nice Nintendog.
” Youch !
Even with these challenges , the satisfaction that will come to gamers from taking care of their own honest-to-God Nintendog can ’ t be beat .
Sure , you might need to bandage up a few scratches and hose down your bedroom to get rid of the overwhelming stench of urine , but that ’ s a small price to pay for getting this close to having your own Nintendog just milling around your house !

Ever since its 2005 release, Nintendogs has built up a loyal fanbase of those who fell in love with the title’s adorable cast of cuddly characters, yet resigned themselves to never seeing anything as cute in their daily lives. Well, gamers, feast your eyes on this: It turns out there’s a real-life creature called a “possum” that’s just as snuggly as a Nintendog.
Aww. Just look at that face!
Nintendo must have gotten some serious inspiration from these little cuties when they were hashing out Nintendogs’ character designs, because they’re just as playful and fluffy as the golden retrievers from the handheld classic. That’s why we knew we had to grab one of these sweeties in a blanket and bring it back to our home office when we saw it milling around in a local park. It’s just as sweet as a Nintendog, and it even makes a sharp, spitting “bark” sound when you throw a ball at it. Agh. We’re basically melting into a puddle of goo thinking about them!
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Word to the wise, though—unlike the in-game Nintendogs, which respond to voice commands and learn tricks, this precious pup just seems to scramble away and hide in your attic if you approach it and try to give it a nice chew toy. Similarly, you’re going to need to get into the habit of feeding your real-life Nintendog several times daily with trash, rotten fruit, and compost.
Strangely enough, these adorable guys also seem to get very angry and claw at anyone who tries to kiss them on the face while calling them a “nice Nintendog.” Youch!
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Even with these challenges, the satisfaction that will come to gamers from taking care of their own honest-to-God Nintendog can’t be beat. Sure, you might need to bandage up a few scratches and hose down your bedroom to get rid of the overwhelming stench of urine, but that’s a small price to pay for getting this close to having your own Nintendog just milling around your house!


theonion--2020-07-31--Highlights From The First Week Of MLB Play

After protracted negotiations over the details of playing during the Covid-19 pandemic , Major League Baseball finally began a shortened 60-game season last week .
Here are The Onion Sports ’ highlights from the first week of play .
Dr. Anthony Fauci made headlines on Opening Day by throwing out the ceremonial first baserunner .
Orioles announcer Gary Thorne reading each player ’ s living will during their first at-bat of the season .
The Red Sox struggled to a 1-4 start after getting rid their best player for next to nothing , a decision which has never come back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Nationals look to replicate 2019 ’ s success with a miserable 50-game stretch to open the season .
This one guy made a hell of a catch .
Didn ’ t get his name .
Michaelson ?
That ’ s not it .
Really nice catch , though .
The Phillie Phanatic showed that it is perfectly capable of being creepy and off putting without any fans nearby .
The three days we all thought this might actually work .
The Cardinals collapsed without their perfect fans showing them the right way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being 40 years old , Nelson Cruz leads the league in home runs and RBIs , proving that age is nothing but an accurate barometer of coronavirus risk .
Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan announced plans to announce plans to convene a committee to announce plans to consider changing the team ’ s name .
The Marlins did better than probably anyone expected , all told .

After protracted negotiations over the details of playing during the Covid-19 pandemic, Major League Baseball finally began a shortened 60-game season last week. Here are The Onion Sports’ highlights from the first week of play.
Dr. Anthony Fauci made headlines on Opening Day by throwing out the ceremonial first baserunner.
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Orioles announcer Gary Thorne reading each player’s living will during their first at-bat of the season.
The Red Sox struggled to a 1-4 start after getting rid their best player for next to nothing, a decision which has never come back to bite them in the past.
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The Nationals look to replicate 2019’s success with a miserable 50-game stretch to open the season.
This one guy made a hell of a catch. Didn’t get his name. Michaelson? That’s not it. Really nice catch, though.
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The Phillie Phanatic showed that it is perfectly capable of being creepy and off putting without any fans nearby.
The three days we all thought this might actually work.
The Cardinals collapsed without their perfect fans showing them the right way to do every single thing.
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Despite being 40 years old, Nelson Cruz leads the league in home runs and RBIs, proving that age is nothing but an accurate barometer of coronavirus risk.
Cleveland Indians owner Larry Dolan announced plans to announce plans to convene a committee to announce plans to consider changing the team’s name.
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The Marlins did better than probably anyone expected, all told.


theonion--2020-07-31--Authorities Abandon Search For Missing Girl After Finding Huge Bass While Dredging Lake

Police in Franklin Country , IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what @ @ @ @ @ least a 20-pounder , which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Police in Franklin Country, IL have called off their search for missing 12-year-old Brittany Morel after reeling in what they believe to be at least a 20-pounder, which would make it the largest bass ever hooked on Rend Lake.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-03--Town Council Votes To Rename Statue Of Robert E. Lee

Hear why residents of Bedford , VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why residents of Bedford, VA believe now is the right time to change the name of the 14-foot-tall Confederate statue.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-03--Ron DeSantis Cuts Phone Line Outside Nursing Home So No One Can Report Coronavirus Data

TALLAHASSEE , FL—Crouching down beside the building ’ s electrical panel under cover of night , Florida G ov .
@ @ @ @ @ phone line outside a local nursing home Monday so no one inside could report any @ @ @ @ @ luck calling for help now , ” said DeSantis , grinning through a window as @ @ @ @ @ up the receiver in a vain effort to get a dial tone .
“ Scream @ @ @ @ @ , you fools , no one ’ s coming to save you—no one even knows @ @ @ @ @ , and now , you ’ re completely at my mercy.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ skulking in the bushes after a passing ambulance slowed down to make sure everything was @ @

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Crouching down beside the building’s electrical panel under cover of night, Florida G ov. Ron DeSantis reportedly cut the phone line outside a local nursing home Monday so no one inside could report any coronavirus data. “Good luck calling for help now,” said DeSantis, grinning through a window as a terrified orderly repeatedly picked up the receiver in a vain effort to get a dial tone. “Scream and cry all you want, you fools, no one’s coming to save you—no one even knows you’re in trouble, and now, you’re completely at my mercy.” At press time, a knife-wielding DeSantis was skulking in the bushes after a passing ambulance slowed down to make sure everything was alright.


theonion--2020-08-03--New Evidence Shows Sperm Swim ‘Like Playful Otters’

Researchers using 3D microscopy say they have discovered that sperm do not oscillate back and forth but rather corkscrew through @ @ @ @ @ otters , ” challenging assumptions about how sperm moves that date back to the invention @ @ @ @ @ 1677 .
What do you think ?
“ Just when you thought you knew everything @ @ @ @ @ jizz.
” “ If they ’ re capable of this level of sophisticated play , @ @ @ @ @ we should still be eating them .
”

Researchers using 3D microscopy say they have discovered that sperm do not oscillate back and forth but rather corkscrew through the water “like playful otters,” challenging assumptions about how sperm moves that date back to the invention of the compound microscope in 1677. What do you think?
“Just when you thought you knew everything there was to know about jizz.” Judy Lowry • Hedge Maze Guide
“As if otters weren’t already hypersexualized.” Todd Rothman • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-08-03--Knowledge That It Could Kill Him Actually Making Man Appreciate Day At Disney World A Lot More

ORLANDO , FL—Noting that his experience at the theme park had been far deeper and more meaningful than he ever could have imagined , local man Kevin Reeves told reporters Monday that knowing he was risking his life actually made him appreciate his day at Disney World quite a bit more .
“ I used to get frustrated by little things like getting stuck in a long line for the monorail or a couple rides in Tomorrowland getting closed for maintenance , but I ’ ve realized minor inconveniences don ’ t matter when you could be dead in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , stressing that everything from his time on Thunder Mountain and Pirates of the Caribbean to his Mickey Mouse-shaped pancakes at The Plaza restaurant had taken a much more profound character with the understanding that his life was constantly at risk .
“ Knowing I might literally have weeks to live really made me think about how much I ’ ve taken for granted lower-tier rides like the Enchanted Tiki Room or The Seas With Nemo and Friends .
Hell , normally I ’ d be too shy to ask Daisy Duck for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ‘ What the heck , ’ you know ?
Live for today.
” Reeves concluded that he sincerely hoped his 4-year-old felt the same way .

ORLANDO, FL—Noting that his experience at the theme park had been far deeper and more meaningful than he ever could have imagined, local man Kevin Reeves told reporters Monday that knowing he was risking his life actually made him appreciate his day at Disney World quite a bit more. “I used to get frustrated by little things like getting stuck in a long line for the monorail or a couple rides in Tomorrowland getting closed for maintenance, but I’ve realized minor inconveniences don’t matter when you could be dead in a matter of weeks,” said Reeves, stressing that everything from his time on Thunder Mountain and Pirates of the Caribbean to his Mickey Mouse-shaped pancakes at The Plaza restaurant had taken a much more profound character with the understanding that his life was constantly at risk. “Knowing I might literally have weeks to live really made me think about how much I’ve taken for granted lower-tier rides like the Enchanted Tiki Room or The Seas With Nemo and Friends. Hell, normally I’d be too shy to ask Daisy Duck for her autograph, but today I thought, ‘What the heck,’ you know? Live for today.” Reeves concluded that he sincerely hoped his 4-year-old felt the same way.


theonion--2020-08-03--Man Confident He Would’ve Been Against Slavery If He Was Alive During 1960s

PELHAM , MA—Declaring he was absolutely sure he would have stood for progressive values , local man Eugene Leigh told reporters Monday that he was confident he would ’ ve been against slavery if he was alive during the 1960s .
“ Hindsight is 20/20 , obviously , but I ’ m pretty sure I would ’ ve been out there opposing slavery even at the beginning of the 1960s , ” said Leigh , adding that he ’ s “ 100 % totally sure ” he would have been willing to challenge anyone who publicly voiced their support of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been alive then .
“ Look , there were millions of people against slavery by the 1960s , because they knew it was the right thing to do , and I like to think I would have been too , no matter the consequences .
I would have definitely spoken out against the forced subjugation of Black people in the 1950s , even .
You can disagree with me if you want , or say that I wouldn ’ t have actually been against it back then , but if I were alive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my heart that slavery was wrong .
Does that make me brave ?
Maybe.
” Leigh added that he ’ s equally sure he would be against the concept of forced prison labor if he ’ s still alive in the 2070s .

PELHAM, MA—Declaring he was absolutely sure he would have stood for progressive values, local man Eugene Leigh told reporters Monday that he was confident he would’ve been against slavery if he was alive during the 1960s. “Hindsight is 20/20, obviously, but I’m pretty sure I would’ve been out there opposing slavery even at the beginning of the 1960s,” said Leigh, adding that he’s “100% totally sure” he would have been willing to challenge anyone who publicly voiced their support of slavery in the 1960s if he had been alive then. “Look, there were millions of people against slavery by the 1960s, because they knew it was the right thing to do, and I like to think I would have been too, no matter the consequences. I would have definitely spoken out against the forced subjugation of Black people in the 1950s, even. You can disagree with me if you want, or say that I wouldn’t have actually been against it back then, but if I were alive in the 1960s I would know in my heart that slavery was wrong. Does that make me brave? Maybe.” Leigh added that he’s equally sure he would be against the concept of forced prison labor if he’s still alive in the 2070s.


theonion--2020-08-03--Flowers Left Over From Child’s Funeral Under Tremendous Pressure To Thrive

CLEVELAND—Speculating that even the slightest trace of withering or discoloration would devastate the family , a pot of lilies left over from 12-year-old Jose Ramirez ’ s funeral confirmed Monday that it was under tremendous pressure to thrive .
“ Obviously , I don ’ t want to make this moment all about me , but I ’ m feeling an immense amount of stress to not let a single petal wilt right now , and I don ’ t know if I ’ m up to the challenge , ” said the flowering plant , stressing that it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scrutiny based on its position amidst keepsakes and photographs .
“ They ’ re going to be hovering over me , tapping my pistils , looking for any little imperfection that ’ ll make them think of their dead kid and start breaking down again .
Honestly ?
It sucks .
I know that ’ s callous , but I can ’ t help but wish I had just grown up along a river bed or been picked for a wedding .
Goddammit , is that a brown spot on one of my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ these folks could possibly keep me alive.
” At press time , the lilies added that although the family was clearly going through a lot , the least they could do was move its pot into direct sunlight and water it daily if it meant that much to them .

CLEVELAND—Speculating that even the slightest trace of withering or discoloration would devastate the family, a pot of lilies left over from 12-year-old Jose Ramirez’s funeral confirmed Monday that it was under tremendous pressure to thrive. “Obviously, I don’t want to make this moment all about me, but I’m feeling an immense amount of stress to not let a single petal wilt right now, and I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge,” said the flowering plant, stressing that it was sure to face an incredible amount of scrutiny based on its position amidst keepsakes and photographs. “They’re going to be hovering over me, tapping my pistils, looking for any little imperfection that’ll make them think of their dead kid and start breaking down again. Honestly? It sucks. I know that’s callous, but I can’t help but wish I had just grown up along a river bed or been picked for a wedding. Goddammit, is that a brown spot on one of my leaves? Not sure why I thought these folks could possibly keep me alive.” At press time, the lilies added that although the family was clearly going through a lot, the least they could do was move its pot into direct sunlight and water it daily if it meant that much to them.


theonion--2020-08-03--U.S. Praises Bolivian Leaders For Eliminating Voter Fraud By Refusing To Hold Elections

WASHINGTON—Calling the Latin American nation a perfect model of election integrity , officials from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security praised Bolivian leaders Monday for eliminating voter fraud through their refusal to hold general elections .
“ By repeatedly postponing the date of its presidential election , Bolivia has ensured there are zero instances of irregular voting at any polling site anywhere in the country , ” said Acting Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf , who commended Bolivia ’ s unelected interim president , Jeanine Añez , for helping the country “ really turn a corner ” after a 2019 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of then-president Evo Morales .
“ It ’ s encouraging to see Bolivians stand up and root out corruption in their electoral process by doing away with voting altogether .
They have created an enviable system that can not be compromised by hackers , counterfeit mail-in ballots , or in-person tampering .
Thus , they never have to worry about the results of an election being called into question .
No doubt there is much we can learn from Bolivia ’ s example as we work to uphold the security of our own @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Wolf added that there was also a thing or two the Department of Homeland Security could learn from Bolivia ’ s treatment of protesters .

WASHINGTON—Calling the Latin American nation a perfect model of election integrity, officials from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security praised Bolivian leaders Monday for eliminating voter fraud through their refusal to hold general elections. “By repeatedly postponing the date of its presidential election, Bolivia has ensured there are zero instances of irregular voting at any polling site anywhere in the country,” said Acting Homeland Security Secretary Chad Wolf, who commended Bolivia’s unelected interim president, Jeanine Añez, for helping the country “really turn a corner” after a 2019 election that was allegedly rigged in favor of then-president Evo Morales. “It’s encouraging to see Bolivians stand up and root out corruption in their electoral process by doing away with voting altogether. They have created an enviable system that cannot be compromised by hackers, counterfeit mail-in ballots, or in-person tampering. Thus, they never have to worry about the results of an election being called into question. No doubt there is much we can learn from Bolivia’s example as we work to uphold the security of our own 2020 presidential race.” At press time, Wolf added that there was also a thing or two the Department of Homeland Security could learn from Bolivia’s treatment of protesters.


theonion--2020-08-03--Fans Stunned After Adele Shares Photo Of Her Newly Molted Body

LOS ANGELES—Calling the British singer–songwriter ’ s slimmed-down face and chitin-based exoskeleton “ almost unrecognizable , ” fans told reporters Monday they were stunned after Adele shared a photo of her newly molted body .
“ Wow , when I saw her post a picture of herself rocking those razor-sharp pincers and her two additional rows of super thin back legs , I almost couldn ’ t believe my eyes , ” said Los Angeles resident Katy Reed , adding that even though she looked great before , the 16-time Grammy winner was clearly ready to show off her recently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The truth is , I ’ ll love her music whether she ’ s a size 10 or a segmented arachnid studded with highly sensitive tactile hair .
The most important thing now is that I hope she feels happy and healthy with her new stinger , which can apparently deposit a lethal dose of venom when she chooses to deploy it.
” At press time , several celebrities had come under fire for perpetuating the dangerous misconception that Adele was somehow less beautiful without her impenetrable shell and powerful 5-foot tail .

LOS ANGELES—Calling the British singer–songwriter’s slimmed-down face and chitin-based exoskeleton “almost unrecognizable,” fans told reporters Monday they were stunned after Adele shared a photo of her newly molted body. “Wow, when I saw her post a picture of herself rocking those razor-sharp pincers and her two additional rows of super thin back legs, I almost couldn’t believe my eyes,” said Los Angeles resident Katy Reed, adding that even though she looked great before, the 16-time Grammy winner was clearly ready to show off her recently hardened cephalothorax and opisthosoma regions. “The truth is, I’ll love her music whether she’s a size 10 or a segmented arachnid studded with highly sensitive tactile hair. The most important thing now is that I hope she feels happy and healthy with her new stinger, which can apparently deposit a lethal dose of venom when she chooses to deploy it.” At press time, several celebrities had come under fire for perpetuating the dangerous misconception that Adele was somehow less beautiful without her impenetrable shell and powerful 5-foot tail.


theonion--2020-07-31--Congress Approves Defense Relief Funding For Americans To Receive Stimulus Aircraft Carrier

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure that the nation ’ s armament needs are met during this tumultuous time , Congress reportedly approved defense relief funding Monday for every American to receive a stimulus aircraft carrier .
“ Starting this week , every American making under $ 75,000 will be sent a 100,000-ton Nimitz-class aircraft carrier to make certain they are taken care of when it comes to their naval arsenal , ” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell , explaining how the nuclear- powered warships , each of which will be personally signed by President Donald Trump , will serve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of families currently vulnerable to aquatic attacks .
“ We are proud to say that the bill was passed unanimously by both houses , as this infusion of warships will get the arms industries pumping again and put us on the path to stability .
Although we are currently planning on a one-time delivery of these 1,000- foot seagoing airbases to help Americans weather this current storm , we are also leaving open the possibility of providing a second stimulus aircraft carrier down the line.
” McConnell added that should Americans need to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their aircraft carriers to the Saudi government .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to ensure that the nation’s armament needs are met during this tumultuous time, Congress reportedly approved defense relief funding Monday for every American to receive a stimulus aircraft carrier. “Starting this week, every American making under $75,000 will be sent a 100,000-ton Nimitz-class aircraft carrier to make certain they are taken care of when it comes to their naval arsenal,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, explaining how the nuclear- powered warships, each of which will be personally signed by President Donald Trump, will serve as a helping hand to the millions of families currently vulnerable to aquatic attacks. “We are proud to say that the bill was passed unanimously by both houses, as this infusion of warships will get the arms industries pumping again and put us on the path to stability. Although we are currently planning on a one-time delivery of these 1,000- foot seagoing airbases to help Americans weather this current storm, we are also leaving open the possibility of providing a second stimulus aircraft carrier down the line.” McConnell added that should Americans need to pay rent, they can always sell their aircraft carriers to the Saudi government.


theonion--2020-08-04--FBI Uncovers Plot Where JFK Was Buried

FBI Uncovers Plot Where JFK Was Buried

WASHINGTON—Confirming a longstanding theory concerning the former president ’ s death , FBI officials announced Monday that they had uncovered @ @ @ @ @ buried .
“ After significant digging , we unearthed the entirety of the plot , @ @ @ @ @ as early as 1963 , ” said FBI director Christopher Wray , telling reporters that @ @ @ @ @ complex and went much deeper than they had originally believed .
“ We found a @ @ @ @ @ based on our findings , we can definitely state that government officials were heavily involved @ @ @ @ @ in the first place.
” Wray added that now that the contents of the plot @ @ @ @ @ light of day , it would be almost impossible for anyone to bury them again @

WASHINGTON—Confirming a longstanding theory concerning the former president’s death, FBI officials announced Monday that they had uncovered the plot where JFK was buried. “After significant digging, we unearthed the entirety of the plot, which we believe dated back as early as 1963,” said FBI director Christopher Wray, telling reporters that the plot was much more complex and went much deeper than they had originally believed. “We found a lot of dirt, and based on our findings, we can definitely state that government officials were heavily involved in putting the plot together in the first place.” Wray added that now that the contents of the plot had been brought to the light of day, it would be almost impossible for anyone to bury them again.


theonion--2020-08-04--Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 4, 2020

You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell , but you never thought it would be @ @ @ @ @ a $ 60 check .

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You always wondered which of your sins would send you to hell, but you never thought it would be tipping Roger $2.34 on a $60 check.


theonion--2020-08-04--Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive P

Nation Informs Body-Positive Advertisers It Ready To Go Back To Staring At Unattainably Attractive People

The American people held a press conference today to announce that , while they appreciate the strides brands have made @ @ @ @ @ , they kind of got it already , okay ?
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The American people held a press conference today to announce that, while they appreciate the strides brands have made toward inclusivity over the years, they kind of got it already, okay?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-04--Relieved Trump Administration Thankful To Finally Get Easy, Run-Of-The-Mill Hurricane Response To Fu

Relieved Trump Administration Thankful To Finally Get Easy, Run-Of-The-Mill Hurricane Response To Fuck Up

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from the unprecedented , complex ways in which they have fatally mishandled the Covid-19 pandemic , White House officials reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday after Tropical Storm Isaias gave them a simple , run-of-the-mill hurricane relief effort to fuck up .
“ A Category 1 storm hitting the Carolinas ?
We can drop the ball on that , no problem , ” said Peter Gaynor , administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency , adding that with everything the Trump administration had been dealing with lately , a routine failure along the lines of its bungled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make for a nice change of pace .
“ Seriously , all we have to do is not provide anywhere near enough temporary shelters , maybe spread some misinformation about where the storm is actually headed , and then see to it that a completely unproven startup with a clear , unethical connection to the administration misdirects any crucial supplies urgently needed in flood zones .
Should be a fairly straightforward case of lethal government malpractice.
” Following news that Isaias had forced the closure of numerous Covid-19 testing sites in Florida , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ already off to a pretty good fuck-up .

WASHINGTON—Still reeling from the unprecedented, complex ways in which they have fatally mishandled the Covid-19 pandemic, White House officials reportedly breathed a sigh of relief Tuesday after Tropical Storm Isaias gave them a simple, run-of-the-mill hurricane relief effort to fuck up. “A Category 1 storm hitting the Carolinas? We can drop the ball on that, no problem,” said Peter Gaynor, administrator of the Federal Emergency Management Agency, adding that with everything the Trump administration had been dealing with lately, a routine failure along the lines of its bungled responses to Hurricanes Maria and Dorian should make for a nice change of pace. “Seriously, all we have to do is not provide anywhere near enough temporary shelters, maybe spread some misinformation about where the storm is actually headed, and then see to it that a completely unproven startup with a clear, unethical connection to the administration misdirects any crucial supplies urgently needed in flood zones. Should be a fairly straightforward case of lethal government malpractice.” Following news that Isaias had forced the closure of numerous Covid-19 testing sites in Florida, a White House spokesperson confirmed things were already off to a pretty good fuck-up.


theonion--2020-08-04--Florida Teenager Faces 30 Charges For Alleged Twitter Hack

17-year-old Graham Ivan Clark is facing 30 felony counts for allegedly manipulating Twitter employees and hacking into dozens of high @ @ @ @ @ a bitcoin scheme that netted over $ 100,000 before the site shut it down .
@ @ @ @ @ “ This is why we should raise the hacking age to 21.
” “ There @ @ @ @ @ great for tricking me into thinking Barack Obama was going to give me bitcoin .
@

17-year-old Graham Ivan Clark is facing 30 felony counts for allegedly manipulating Twitter employees and hacking into dozens of high profile accounts as part of a bitcoin scheme that netted over $100,000 before the site shut it down. What do you think?
“This is why we should raise the hacking age to 21.” Martin Furcolo • Systems Analyst
“I hope he knows a good lawyer that takes bitcoin.” Kaspar Edler • Taffy Expert
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theonion--2020-08-04--Deal Alert: Kill This Man With Your Bare Hands And We Will Give You A Copy Of ‘Brute Force’ For Xbox

This publication has long prided itself on bringing you the most scintillating gaming deals , but today , we bring forth one that eclipses everything that came before .
You might remember a certain exclusive for the original Xbox titled Brute Force that promised cooperative , third-person shooter gameplay split between four players .
Well , if the thought of getting your hands on this 2003 release raises a feeling of unbearable nostalgia , then we have a certain mutually beneficial arrangement for you : Kill the man pictured above with your bare hands and we will give you a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tidy proposition , is it not , gamers ?
It seems there ’ s an incredible deal lying at your doorstep and all you need to do to redeem it is extinguish one measly life .
Don ’ t trouble yourself with who this man is or what he has done to deserve our ire .
We will not get into those details , nor would it be prudent to do so .
Simply understand that his blood must be drawn before midnight in order to receive recompense with this gently used copy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shooter .
You can not use a knife or a firearm in your bloodletting .
He must understand that his death is an example of vengeance par excellence .
Do you see ?
He must know it in the depths of his heart .
Do it .
Do it before we take back this extraordinary offer .
Should you perform your task well , the game will be deposited in a burlap sack underneath a bridge nearby the West River .
That is all that is required for you to receive the title @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 4.99 used at GameStop , along with a rumpled instructional booklet .
Nor should you concern yourself any further knowledge with this incident after the fact .
Leave the body as is—we shall dispose of it .
However , we warn you that the consequences of failure in this undertaking will be dire .
Indeed , if you should ever mention these directions to a living soul or flounder in carrying them out , we will not hesitate to come and take Brute Force back from you .
It could be years @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will always be watching .
Bear these warnings in mind before you think of betraying our confidence .

This publication has long prided itself on bringing you the most scintillating gaming deals, but today, we bring forth one that eclipses everything that came before. You might remember a certain exclusive for the original Xbox titled Brute Force that promised cooperative, third-person shooter gameplay split between four players. Well, if the thought of getting your hands on this 2003 release raises a feeling of unbearable nostalgia, then we have a certain mutually beneficial arrangement for you: Kill the man pictured above with your bare hands and we will give you a free copy of this game.
A tidy proposition, is it not, gamers? It seems there’s an incredible deal lying at your doorstep and all you need to do to redeem it is extinguish one measly life.
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Don’t trouble yourself with who this man is or what he has done to deserve our ire. We will not get into those details, nor would it be prudent to do so. Simply understand that his blood must be drawn before midnight in order to receive recompense with this gently used copy of Digital Anvil’s squad-based tactical shooter.
You cannot use a knife or a firearm in your bloodletting. He must understand that his death is an example of vengeance par excellence. Do you see? He must know it in the depths of his heart.
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Do it. Do it before we take back this extraordinary offer.
Should you perform your task well, the game will be deposited in a burlap sack underneath a bridge nearby the West River. That is all that is required for you to receive the title, which retails for an average of $4.99 used at GameStop, along with a rumpled instructional booklet. Nor should you concern yourself any further knowledge with this incident after the fact. Leave the body as is—we shall dispose of it.
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However, we warn you that the consequences of failure in this undertaking will be dire. Indeed, if you should ever mention these directions to a living soul or flounder in carrying them out, we will not hesitate to come and take Brute Force back from you. It could be years from now or decades, but we will always be watching. Bear these warnings in mind before you think of betraying our confidence.


theonion--2020-08-04--Virtuoso Consumer Flawlessly Exchanges Currency For Goods

KANNAPOLIS , NC—With the air of a trained professional who executes complicated maneuvers with ease , a virtuoso consumer flawlessly @ @ @ @ @ sources confirmed Tuesday .
“ My god , look at this prodigy slide his debit @ @ @ @ @ seamlessly turn simple products like a pack of sponges and a Snickers bar into his @ @ @ @ @ , ” said an awestruck onlooker , marveling at how the man made quick , @ @ @ @ @ before accepting the bagged items .
“ He ’ s giving them money , they @ @ @ @ @ goods—it ’ s astounding .
He ’ s a natural .
And what ’ s @ @ @ @ @ , so this consumer savant clearly has decades ahead of him to perfect his craft @ @ @ @ @ consumer was truly the role he was born to play.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ stunned after watching the virtuoso consumer exchange currency for services .

KANNAPOLIS, NC—With the air of a trained professional who executes complicated maneuvers with ease, a virtuoso consumer flawlessly exchanged currency for goods, sources confirmed Tuesday. “My god, look at this prodigy slide his debit card through the reader and seamlessly turn simple products like a pack of sponges and a Snickers bar into his own property in mere seconds,” said an awestruck onlooker, marveling at how the man made quick, determined strokes on the keypad before accepting the bagged items. “He’s giving them money, they’re giving him physical goods—it’s astounding. He’s a natural. And what’s more, he looks young, so this consumer savant clearly has decades ahead of him to perfect his craft even more. Being a consumer was truly the role he was born to play.” At press time, bystanders at a barbershop were stunned after watching the virtuoso consumer exchange currency for services.


theonion--2020-08-04--NASA Astronauts Splash Down In Gulf Of Mexico

Two NASA astronauts aboard the SpaceX Dragon Endeavor capsule completed a successful splashdown on Sunday , the first water landing @ @ @ @ @ years .
What do you think ?
“ I knew th ose astronauts would eventually @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I hate to break it to NASA , but the Gulf of Mexico @ @ @ @ @ ” “ This loses some of its impressiveness when you learn the Earth is over @ @ @ @ @

Two NASA astronauts aboard the SpaceX Dragon Endeavor capsule completed a successful splashdown on Sunday, the first water landing by American astronauts in 45 years. What do you think?
“I knew th ose astronauts would eventually come crawling back to Earth.” Craig Bergman • Semi-Pro Baton Twirler
“I hate to break it to NASA, but the Gulf of Mexico isn’t in space.” Whitney Livingston • Light Bulb Installer
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theonion--2020-08-04--Cold, Distant Boyfriend Finally Opens Up About How Horny He Is

LOUISVILLE , KY—Breaking from his usual detachment and allowing himself to freely discuss his heightened level of sexual arousal , cold and distant local boyfriend Andy Bokelman finally opened up to his girlfriend Tuesday about just how horny he was .
“ I know I ’ m not always the best at talking about my emotions , but I wanted to let you know that I am incredibly turned on right now and am ready to fuck , like , immediately , ” said Bokelman , adding that while he hoped his romantic partner Laura Pendergast already knew he was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ penis was about to explode , he knew it was important to say these things , too .
“ I ’ ve been trying to get to a place where I can allow myself to be vulnerable and honest with you about how I am , at the moment , so hard my dick could cut through a diamond .
Because I know if I give myself permission to acknowledge and experience these feelings , then there ’ s a chance I can respond to them in a positive way before I go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bokelman speculated that his difficulty talking openly about the subject might have come from having a closed-off , emotionally stunted father who never once mentioned his own horniness .

LOUISVILLE, KY—Breaking from his usual detachment and allowing himself to freely discuss his heightened level of sexual arousal, cold and distant local boyfriend Andy Bokelman finally opened up to his girlfriend Tuesday about just how horny he was. “I know I’m not always the best at talking about my emotions, but I wanted to let you know that I am incredibly turned on right now and am ready to fuck, like, immediately,” said Bokelman, adding that while he hoped his romantic partner Laura Pendergast already knew he was feeling so hot for her that his penis was about to explode, he knew it was important to say these things, too. “I’ve been trying to get to a place where I can allow myself to be vulnerable and honest with you about how I am, at the moment, so hard my dick could cut through a diamond. Because I know if I give myself permission to acknowledge and experience these feelings, then there’s a chance I can respond to them in a positive way before I go off like a fucking fire hydrant.” Bokelman speculated that his difficulty talking openly about the subject might have come from having a closed-off, emotionally stunted father who never once mentioned his own horniness.