theonion--2020-03-06--Smithsonian Apologizes For Fraudulent ‘Treasures Of Obama’s Tomb’ Exhibit

WASHINGTON—Contritely offering full refunds for all purchased tickets , the Smithsonian Institution apologized Friday for their fraudulent Treasures Of Obama ’ s Tomb exhibit .
“ We are deeply sorry for promoting these obviously manufactured artifacts , but in our defense , the supposed ‘ discoverers ’ offered us a really great deal on Obama ’ s golden sarcophagus , ” said exhibit curator Monica Walsh , admitting she had not questioned either the authenticity of such “ artifacts ” like Obama ’ s ceremonial gold lapis lazuli flail , nor claims that the collection had recently completed a sold-out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ London .
“ In our defense , the exhibit was such a hit and we got so much positive feedback from it that we unfortunately let the excitement cloud our judgment .
After taking some time to examine the 44th president ’ s golden death mask more closely , we discovered it was actually brass and had only been cast a few weeks ago .
Furthermore , testing also reveals that the mummies of Sunny and Bo are actually two dried pit bull corpses.
” The Smithsonian has clarified , however , that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fake , the Tomb Of Michelle has been authenticated and found to be over six thousand years old .

WASHINGTON—Contritely offering full refunds for all purchased tickets, the Smithsonian Institution apologized Friday for their fraudulent Treasures Of Obama’s Tomb exhibit. “We are deeply sorry for promoting these obviously manufactured artifacts, but in our defense, the supposed ‘discoverers’ offered us a really great deal on Obama’s golden sarcophagus,” said exhibit curator Monica Walsh, admitting she had not questioned either the authenticity of such “artifacts” like Obama’s ceremonial gold lapis lazuli flail, nor claims that the collection had recently completed a sold-out run at the Natural History Museum in London. “In our defense, the exhibit was such a hit and we got so much positive feedback from it that we unfortunately let the excitement cloud our judgment. After taking some time to examine the 44th president’s golden death mask more closely, we discovered it was actually brass and had only been cast a few weeks ago. Furthermore, testing also reveals that the mummies of Sunny and Bo are actually two dried pit bull corpses.” The Smithsonian has clarified, however, that while the Obama artifacts are all completely fake, the Tomb Of Michelle has been authenticated and found to be over six thousand years old.


theonion--2020-03-06--Elizabeth Warren Suspends Presidential Campaign

Senator Elizabeth Warren announced that she is dropping out of the presidential race after struggling to gain traction in the @ @ @ @ @ yet announced who she is backing as both Sanders and Biden seek her endorsement .
@ @ @ @ @ “ I don ’ t know why , but I suddenly find her more likable @ @ @ @ @ no longer seeking a position of executive authority.
” “ If she endorses herself , @ @ @ @ @ to win this thing.
” “ I ’ ve said it before : America will @ @ @ @ @ already owns a dog .
”

Senator Elizabeth Warren announced that she is dropping out of the presidential race after struggling to gain traction in the primary, but has not yet announced who she is backing as both Sanders and Biden seek her endorsement. What do you think?
“I don’t know why, but I suddenly find her more likable now that she’s no longer seeking a position of executive authority.” Doyle Lewis • Knife Sharpener
“If she endorses herself, she might still be able to win this thing.” Kenny Norris • Fish Hook Bender
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theonion--2020-03-06--Man Talking Big Game About Having Shroom Hookup Folds Almost Immediately Under Pressure

NAHANT , MA—Suggesting a complete inability to back up his bombastic rhetoric , local man Carl Stoker , who had previously talked a big game about having a shroom hookup , had immediately folded under pressure , sources reported Friday .
“ Carl ’ s been going on and on about what a sweet connection he ’ s got , but as soon as I started asking for any specifics whatsoever , he completely backtracks , ” said prospective drug buyer Lee Urich , telling reporters that despite Stoker ’ s repeated assurances that he could procure magic mushrooms whenever @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his , the moment Urich expressed interest , he had immediately begun hedging about how it would be hard to get them right now .
“ He ’ s bragging about how he still has half an ounce of super potent caps in his freezer left over from tripping balls last weekend , but when I mention that I ’ ve actually been looking myself , he launches into this whole song and dance about how his friend ’ s actually out of town for a few weeks , and even after that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him too much by asking to buy more right away .
He just completely wussed out , which is annoying because he ’ s the one who brought up this shit in the first place.
” Urich went on to confirm that he would still probably hit up Stoker another eight or nine times in the next year to see if he could score some shrooms .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

NAHANT, MA—Suggesting a complete inability to back up his bombastic rhetoric, local man Carl Stoker, who had previously talked a big game about having a shroom hookup, had immediately folded under pressure, sources reported Friday. “Carl’s been going on and on about what a sweet connection he’s got, but as soon as I started asking for any specifics whatsoever, he completely backtracks,” said prospective drug buyer Lee Urich, telling reporters that despite Stoker’s repeated assurances that he could procure magic mushrooms whenever he wanted through a close friend of his, the moment Urich expressed interest, he had immediately begun hedging about how it would be hard to get them right now. “He’s bragging about how he still has half an ounce of super potent caps in his freezer left over from tripping balls last weekend, but when I mention that I’ve actually been looking myself, he launches into this whole song and dance about how his friend’s actually out of town for a few weeks, and even after that he doesn’t want to annoy him too much by asking to buy more right away. He just completely wussed out, which is annoying because he’s the one who brought up this shit in the first place.” Urich went on to confirm that he would still probably hit up Stoker another eight or nine times in the next year to see if he could score some shrooms.


theonion--2020-03-06--Key Priorities For Trump’s Reelection Campaign

President Donald Trump will receive the Republican Party ’ s nomination for president , and his reelection campaign against his @ @ @ @ @ well underway .
The Onion takes a look at the key priorities for Trump going @ @ @ @ @ Remind voters of achievements from first 10 years in office .
Renew broadly popular campaign @ @ @ @ @ and his family .
Just the right amount of God .
Appeal to immigrant communities @ @ @ @ @ kidding .
Massive campaign of graft , nepotism , and conflicts of interest has worked @ @ @ @ @ anyone ’ s compiled credible evidence of corruption to use against Joe Biden .
Tout @ @ @ @ @ with Democrats on raising defense budgets , hurting American workers , and confirming Supreme Court @ @ @ @ @ take whole thing too seriously and just have fun with it .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

President Donald Trump will receive the Republican Party’s nomination for president, and his reelection campaign against his eventual Democratic challenger is already well underway. The Onion takes a look at the key priorities for Trump going into his reelection campaign.
Remind voters of achievements from first 10 years in office.
Renew broadly popular campaign tactics like humiliating Ted Cruz and his family.
Just the right amount of God.
Expand electoral map beyond GOP’s usual voter-suppression strongholds.
Appeal to immigrant communities by saying he was just kidding.
Massive campaign of graft, nepotism, and conflicts of interest has worked so far.
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Check if anyone’s compiled credible evidence of corruption to use against Joe Biden.
Maintain steady flow of marginally related words during speeches.
Tout ability to work across aisle with Democrats on raising defense budgets, hurting American workers, and confirming Supreme Court justices.
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Try not to take whole thing too seriously and just have fun with it.


theonion--2020-03-06--Study Links High Standardized Test Scores To Being 45-Year-Old Man In Propeller Hat Pretending To Be

Study Links High Standardized Test Scores To Being 45-Year-Old Man In Propeller Hat Pretending To Be Fifth-Grader

NASHVILLE , TN—Providing new insights that could influence both policymakers and educators , researchers from Vanderbilt University published a study Friday linking high standardized test scores to being a 45-year-old man in a propeller hat pretending to be a fifth-grader .
“ We ’ ve identified a strong correlation between achieving high marks on national aptitude assessments and walking into a classroom twirling your hat and holding a giant lollipop while announcing ‘ I have a fresh apple for teacher !
’ ” said research director Marcus Cline , noting that the data shows students with higher scores are also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sport rosy red cheeks .
“ Our research shows a near one-to-one correlation between perfect math scores and getting stuck in a child-sized desk .
It ’ s nearly impossible for students from low-income households who are not 45-year-old men carrying slingshots to compete .
We ’ ve found it ’ s especially intimidating for these kids to see one of these adults pull up in the school parking lot riding an oversized tricycle.
” Cline added the only demographic that had made any progress closing the achievement gap was 65-year-old men wearing @ @ @ @ @

NASHVILLE, TN—Providing new insights that could influence both policymakers and educators, researchers from Vanderbilt University published a study Friday linking high standardized test scores to being a 45-year-old man in a propeller hat pretending to be a fifth-grader. “We’ve identified a strong correlation between achieving high marks on national aptitude assessments and walking into a classroom twirling your hat and holding a giant lollipop while announcing ‘I have a fresh apple for teacher!’” said research director Marcus Cline, noting that the data shows students with higher scores are also more likely to wear sailor outfits and sport rosy red cheeks. “Our research shows a near one-to-one correlation between perfect math scores and getting stuck in a child-sized desk. It’s nearly impossible for students from low-income households who are not 45-year-old men carrying slingshots to compete. We’ve found it’s especially intimidating for these kids to see one of these adults pull up in the school parking lot riding an oversized tricycle.” Cline added the only demographic that had made any progress closing the achievement gap was 65-year-old men wearing bonnets and shaking rattles.


theonion--2020-03-06--Man Who’s Really Excited To One Day Have Children Must Be Pedophile

ROCHESTER , NY—Insisting there could simply be no other plausible explanation for his strange desire , sources confirmed Friday that @ @ @ @ @ who is reportedly really excited to one day have children , must be a pedophile @ @ @ @ @ been talking nonstop about how fulfilled he ’ ll be once he finally has kids—ugh @ @ @ @ @ Carmen Wilson , explaining that she was “ incredibly creeped out ” after her date @ @ @ @ @ and nephew on his phone .
“ You can tell he ’ s obsessed just @ @ @ @ @ in his eyes when he talks about holding his future son .
He ’ s @ @ @ @ @ pitter-patter of tiny footsteps , how he ’ ll love his children no matter what @ @ @ @ @ .
And he says he wants at least two !
How disgusting.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ her date was thinking about kids while having sex with her .

ROCHESTER, NY—Insisting there could simply be no other plausible explanation for his strange desire, sources confirmed Friday that local man Dave Katko, who is reportedly really excited to one day have children, must be a pedophile. “He’s been talking nonstop about how fulfilled he’ll be once he finally has kids—ugh, gross,” said Carmen Wilson, explaining that she was “incredibly creeped out” after her date shared photos of his niece and nephew on his phone. “You can tell he’s obsessed just from the look he gets in his eyes when he talks about holding his future son. He’s always going on about the pitter-patter of tiny footsteps, how he’ll love his children no matter what. What a fucking sicko. And he says he wants at least two! How disgusting.” At press time, Wilson was convinced her date was thinking about kids while having sex with her.


theonion--2020-03-06--Former TV Host Must Pay PBS $1.5 Million For Violating Morality Clause

A jury has ruled that PBS is entitled to collect $ 1.5 million from former on-air personality Tavis Smiley for @ @ @ @ @ his employment contract after several women came forward in 2017 to accuse him of sexual @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ I never would have supported Smiley ’ s shows if @ @ @ @ @ kind of guy who breaks employment contracts.
” “ Another great reminder to read those @ @ @ @ @ start a new job.
” “ And where was this morality clause when Timmy and @ @ @ @ @ with D.W. ?
”

A jury has ruled that PBS is entitled to collect $1.5 million from former on-air personality Tavis Smiley for violating the morality clause of his employment contract after several women came forward in 2017 to accuse him of sexual misconduct and harassment. What do you think?
“I never would have supported Smiley’s shows if I knew he was the kind of guy who breaks employment contracts.” Brandon Washington • Scabies Doctor
“Another great reminder to read those on-boarding documents carefully whenever you start a new job.” Gregory Torres • Paint Can Opener
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theonion--2020-03-09--CDC Advises Americans To Protect Against Coronavirus By Piling Into This Here Tub For A Scrubbin’

ATLANTA—Reckoning that the new measure was a “ mighty powerful way ” to prevent the spread of the infectious disease , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention advised Americans Monday to protect against the coronavirus by piling into this here tub for a good scrubbin ’ .
“ Now listen up—we ’ re gon na need each and every one of y ’ all to come on down here to the Peach State and let one of our trained health officials give you a good old-fashioned scrub down with a strong horse-bristled brush , ” said CDC director Robert @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heated up another tea kettle of hot water to pour into the large metal tub outside CDC headquarters in anticipation of scouring the pesky Covid-19 germs out of all 325 million Americans over the next few days .
“ We ’ ve got to act strong and quick if we want to beat this coronavirus thing , which is why the CDC is urging all Americans to drop whatever they ’ re doing and hop in .
Don ’ t be shy , okay ?
Take off your britches and set ‘ em @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wash up every nook and cranny .
We ’ ll get you nice and sudsy with a bar of lye soap we purchased from the general store , then I ’ ll dump a bucket of warm water over you and we ’ ll keep scrubin ’ you something fierce till you ’ re healthy as a newborn babe .
After that , we ’ ll give y ’ all a spell with the big communal towel to pat yourselves dry.
” The CDC also advised all Americans to further inoculate themselves from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and linen a fearsome scrubbin ’ on a washboard in the Chattahoochee River .

ATLANTA—Reckoning that the new measure was a “mighty powerful way” to prevent the spread of the infectious disease, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention advised Americans Monday to protect against the coronavirus by piling into this here tub for a good scrubbin’. “Now listen up—we’re gonna need each and every one of y’all to come on down here to the Peach State and let one of our trained health officials give you a good old-fashioned scrub down with a strong horse-bristled brush,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, wearing an apron as he heated up another tea kettle of hot water to pour into the large metal tub outside CDC headquarters in anticipation of scouring the pesky Covid-19 germs out of all 325 million Americans over the next few days. “We’ve got to act strong and quick if we want to beat this coronavirus thing, which is why the CDC is urging all Americans to drop whatever they’re doing and hop in. Don’t be shy, okay? Take off your britches and set ‘em over yonder. Make sure you really wash up every nook and cranny. We’ll get you nice and sudsy with a bar of lye soap we purchased from the general store, then I’ll dump a bucket of warm water over you and we’ll keep scrubin’ you something fierce till you’re healthy as a newborn babe. After that, we’ll give y’all a spell with the big communal towel to pat yourselves dry.” The CDC also advised all Americans to further inoculate themselves from the coronavirus by giving all their garments and linen a fearsome scrubbin’ on a washboard in the Chattahoochee River.


theonion--2020-03-09--NASA Says Lettuce Grown In Space Is Safe To Eat

A new report found that lettuce grown on the International Space Station is just as safe and nutritious as lettuce @ @ @ @ @ fact which scientists say will allow astronauts to supplement prepackaged food and sustain themselves on @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Nothing I ’ d want more after a long day @ @ @ @ @ a nice wet handful of lettuce .
”

A new report found that lettuce grown on the International Space Station is just as safe and nutritious as lettuce grown on Earth, a fact which scientists say will allow astronauts to supplement prepackaged food and sustain themselves on longer space expeditions. What do you think?
“Thanks, NASA, but I only eat locally sourced produce.” Thomas Ward • EKG Transcriptionist
“Nothing I’d want more after a long day of hurtling through space than a nice wet handful of lettuce.” Lela Wright • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-03-09--Pope Francis Urges Priests To Refrain From Molesting Children Over Coronavirus Fears

VATICAN CITY—Stressing that ensuring the safety of all clergy members remained the Holy See ’ s primary concern , Pope @ @ @ @ @ urging priests worldwide to refrain from molesting children over escalating coronavirus fears .
“ During @ @ @ @ @ are recommending all priests do their part to stem the spread of this deadly virus @ @ @ @ @ of children in their congregations , ” said the supreme pontiff , acknowledging that the @ @ @ @ @ but one justified by the increased susceptibility to the virus shown by elderly priests , @ @ @ @ @ engage in pedophilia with infected boys or girls .
“ In the event a priest @ @ @ @ @ child , we ’ re recommending they wear a face mask and thoroughly wash their @ @ @ @ @ water both before and after .
Of course , we understand this is an urgent @ @ @ @ @ it sorted out within the month.
” Francis also cautioned priests against succumbing to the @ @ @ @ @ altar boy ’ s face or mouth every few minutes .

VATICAN CITY—Stressing that ensuring the safety of all clergy members remained the Holy See’s primary concern, Pope Francis issued a statement Monday urging priests worldwide to refrain from molesting children over escalating coronavirus fears. “During this trying period, we are recommending all priests do their part to stem the spread of this deadly virus by temporarily ceasing all fondling of children in their congregations,” said the supreme pontiff, acknowledging that the announcement represented a severe measure but one justified by the increased susceptibility to the virus shown by elderly priests, deacons, and bishops who engage in pedophilia with infected boys or girls. “In the event a priest feels compelled to molest a child, we’re recommending they wear a face mask and thoroughly wash their hands with soap and warm water both before and after. Of course, we understand this is an urgent concern and hope to have it sorted out within the month.” Francis also cautioned priests against succumbing to the natural impulse to touch an altar boy’s face or mouth every few minutes.


theonion--2020-03-09--New Study Finds Most Premature Births Occur After Fetus Smells Something Delicious Outside

BALTIMORE—Calling the report a “ revolutionary breakthrough ” in the field of obstetrics , a new study published Monday by the Johns Hopkins School Of Medicine found that most premature births occurred when a fetus smelled something delicious outside .
“ After analyzing countless patients and the environmental factors surrounding them , we found that roughly 75 % of preterm labors were initiated by a delicious , sumptuous aroma wafting up the birth canal and into the uterus , ” said Dr. Hillary White , M.D.
, adding that pregnant women after the six-month mark should be particularly careful around @ @ @ @ @ @ @ steam from a freshly baked pie or the fragrant vapors from a batch of cookies being taken straight out of the oven .
“ In the majority of cases , once the fetus gets a whiff of a delicious pot roast or a freshly stirred stew , it will instinctively perk its nose up and begin to float along the path of the scent , dragging the umbilical cord and placenta with it .
Sadly , after that , 100 % of newborns end up exiting the womb , only to end up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ eat solid foods for six more months.
” At press time , researchers had published an addendum to the study , which found that the average time in labor could be reduced to just 30 minutes if mothers opted to give birth next to a freshly roasted turkey .

BALTIMORE—Calling the report a “revolutionary breakthrough” in the field of obstetrics, a new study published Monday by the Johns Hopkins School Of Medicine found that most premature births occurred when a fetus smelled something delicious outside. “After analyzing countless patients and the environmental factors surrounding them, we found that roughly 75% of preterm labors were initiated by a delicious, sumptuous aroma wafting up the birth canal and into the uterus,” said Dr. Hillary White, M.D., adding that pregnant women after the six-month mark should be particularly careful around smells including long, pillowy trails of steam from a freshly baked pie or the fragrant vapors from a batch of cookies being taken straight out of the oven. “In the majority of cases, once the fetus gets a whiff of a delicious pot roast or a freshly stirred stew, it will instinctively perk its nose up and begin to float along the path of the scent, dragging the umbilical cord and placenta with it. Sadly, after that, 100% of newborns end up exiting the womb, only to end up devastated when they are not allowed to eat solid foods for six more months.” At press time, researchers had published an addendum to the study, which found that the average time in labor could be reduced to just 30 minutes if mothers opted to give birth next to a freshly roasted turkey.


theonion--2020-03-09--Dow Rallies After It Turns Out Trader Who Jumped Out Window Was Merely Having Marital Problems

Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare .
Hear how markets surged after @ @ @ @ @ trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife @ @ @ @ @ is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the app store @ @ @ @ @ the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
@ @ @ @ @ $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

Good news on Wall Street today as the Dow recovers following a big scare. Hear how markets surged after it was revealed the stock trader who jumped out of a high rise window only did it because his wife left him.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-09--Pope Francis Gives Blessings Via Video In Effort To Reduce Spread Of Coronavirus

As the number of coronavirus cases skyrocket to over 7,375 throughout Italy , Vatican officials confirmed that Pope Francis will @ @ @ @ @ public blessings to prevent large crowds from further spreading the disease .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ why don ’ t we just lock ourselves in a dark closet and talk to @ @ @ @ @ while we ’ re at it ?
” “ It ’ s great to see @ @ @ @ @ this one specific way.
” “ I ’ m eager to watch the video live @ @ @ @ @ St. Peter ’ s Square .
”

As the number of coronavirus cases skyrocket to over 7,375 throughout Italy, Vatican officials confirmed that Pope Francis will video stream his next two public blessings to prevent large crowds from further spreading the disease. What do you think?
“Well, why don’t we just lock ourselves in a dark closet and talk to our priest through a screen while we’re at it?” Alan Sanders • Poison Control Marketing Coordinator
“It’s great to see the Catholic Church modernizing in this one specific way.” Eric Cooper • Cast Iron Restorer
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theonion--2020-03-09--Woman’s Subconscious Not Sure How Much More Clearly It Can Communicate That Her Teeth Going To Fall

Woman’s Subconscious Not Sure How Much More Clearly It Can Communicate That Her Teeth Going To Fall Out Soon

STANLEY , NM—Scrambling to find a way to be even more blunt , the subconscious of local woman Jessika Toler was reportedly unsure Monday how much more clearly it can communicate that her teeth are going to fall out soon .
“ I mean , I keep showing her different versions of the same dream where all her teeth fall out , but instead of taking that as an explicit sign she ’ s about to need dentures , she ’ s making all these weird , esoteric interpretations , ” said Toler ’ s psyche , noting the woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ page after page of illogical attempts to tie the nightmare to stressors in her waking life , like an upcoming work presentation and her father ’ s recent health diagnosis .
“ Some nights I have them all fall out at once .
Other times , they feel loose and she spits them out one by one .
What else can I do ?
Sister .
Your .
Teeth .
Are .
Falling .
Out .
Your boyfriend loves you , your finances are in order , so take a hint and go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , Toler ’ s panicked subconscious was deciding whether to prioritize a nightmare about her teeth falling out or warning her that she would be naked in her old high school tomorrow .

STANLEY, NM—Scrambling to find a way to be even more blunt, the subconscious of local woman Jessika Toler was reportedly unsure Monday how much more clearly it can communicate that her teeth are going to fall out soon. “I mean, I keep showing her different versions of the same dream where all her teeth fall out, but instead of taking that as an explicit sign she’s about to need dentures, she’s making all these weird, esoteric interpretations,” said Toler’s psyche, noting the woman’s dream journal was filled with page after page of illogical attempts to tie the nightmare to stressors in her waking life, like an upcoming work presentation and her father’s recent health diagnosis. “Some nights I have them all fall out at once. Other times, they feel loose and she spits them out one by one. What else can I do? Sister. Your. Teeth. Are. Falling. Out. Your boyfriend loves you, your finances are in order, so take a hint and go to the goddamn dentist.” At press time, Toler’s panicked subconscious was deciding whether to prioritize a nightmare about her teeth falling out or warning her that she would be naked in her old high school tomorrow.


theonion--2020-03-09--Biden Gives Speech From South African Jail Cell Where He Still Imprisoned For Supporting Nelson Mand

Biden Gives Speech From South African Jail Cell Where He Still Imprisoned For Supporting Nelson Mandela

JOHANNESBURG—Striding across the cement floor of his sparse confines , Joe Biden gave a speech Monday from the South African jail cell where he is still imprisoned for supporting Nelson Mandela .
“ I have sacrificed a great deal—my freedom , my livelihood , and my safety—in my fight against apartheid , but it has all been worth it to help my great friend Nelson Mandela , ” said the former Vice President , his gaunt frame pacing the 8-foot-by-7-foot cell that he has called home since he was arrested for visiting the revolutionary South African civil rights leader in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that I have been unjustly incarcerated here in Africa for decades , I am dedicated to becoming the 46th president of the United States .
The fact that I have already been able to serve as your VP and as a senator before that is a testament to what I can accomplish .
No walls can contain my mind , and I promise that once I am released , we ’ re going to the DNC and then on to the White House.
” At press time , Biden assured reporters that even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ running mate , he does expect an endorsement from the anti-apartheid hero to be forthcoming .

JOHANNESBURG—Striding across the cement floor of his sparse confines, Joe Biden gave a speech Monday from the South African jail cell where he is still imprisoned for supporting Nelson Mandela. “I have sacrificed a great deal—my freedom, my livelihood, and my safety—in my fight against apartheid, but it has all been worth it to help my great friend Nelson Mandela,” said the former Vice President, his gaunt frame pacing the 8-foot-by-7-foot cell that he has called home since he was arrested for visiting the revolutionary South African civil rights leader in the 1970s. “Despite the fact that I have been unjustly incarcerated here in Africa for decades, I am dedicated to becoming the 46th president of the United States. The fact that I have already been able to serve as your VP and as a senator before that is a testament to what I can accomplish. No walls can contain my mind, and I promise that once I am released, we’re going to the DNC and then on to the White House.” At press time, Biden assured reporters that even if Nelson Mandela does not become his running mate, he does expect an endorsement from the anti-apartheid hero to be forthcoming.


theonion--2020-03-10--Wells Fargo Board Members Resign Following Congressional Report

Two Wells Fargo board members have resigned after a House committee report found the company failed to properly address previous @ @ @ @ @ falsifying records , forging signatures , opening fraudulent accounts , charging fees on those fraudulent @ @ @ @ @ on homes .
What do you think ?
“ I think it sets a dangerous @ @ @ @ @ corporations to the impossible standard of not abusing their customers.
” “ At least they @ @ @ @ @ was done.
” “ These two better hope the cops don ’ t find out @ @ @ @

Two Wells Fargo board members have resigned after a House committee report found the company failed to properly address previous consumer abuse scandals that include falsifying records, forging signatures, opening fraudulent accounts, charging fees on those fraudulent accounts, and mistakenly foreclosing on homes. What do you think?
“I think it sets a dangerous precedent if we start holding corporations to the impossible standard of not abusing their customers.” Amy Barber • Corn Detasseler
“At least they left before any real damage was done.” Lester Williamson • Occultist
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theonion--2020-03-10--Is Bernie Sanders Too Old To Be The Next James Bond?

A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator ’ s age could impede him from carrying out @ @ @ @ @ s most daring spy .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # @ @ @ @ @ app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and @ @ @ @ @ today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ @ @ @ @ @ non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

A new poll shows the majority of Americans believe the senator’s age could impede him from carrying out the duties of MI6’s most daring spy.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-10--Lucky Cruise Passengers Get Bunch Of Extra Days On Ship

OAKLAND , CA—Marveling at the wide range of luxurious experiences available across its many award-winning spas and restaurants , sources expressed envy this week for the 3,500 fortunate people aboard the Grand Princess who got to spend a bunch of extra days on the ship during their coronavirus quarantine .
“ Oh man , imagine being locked down for almost a whole extra week—free of charge—on a sweet boat with a Vegas-style casino , a mall , mini golf , and hot tubs , ” said area woman Sarah Collins , who admitted she felt jealous of the passengers exposed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scrolled through the grand-class cruise liner ’ s website , eyeing the original musical productions and imagining herself relaxing with a massage , manicure , or facial .
“ Are you kidding me ?
They ’ re living the life out there .
They can have an authentic culinary experience at Sabatini ’ s Italian Trattoria , or hit the all-you-can-eat buffet for as much seafood as they want .
If I were them , I ’ d be thanking my lucky stars for every day they refused to let me disembark.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and shortness of breath were probably the result of having a few too many tiki drinks and a little too much fun dancing in the piano bar .

OAKLAND, CA—Marveling at the wide range of luxurious experiences available across its many award-winning spas and restaurants, sources expressed envy this week for the 3,500 fortunate people aboard the Grand Princess who got to spend a bunch of extra days on the ship during their coronavirus quarantine. “Oh man, imagine being locked down for almost a whole extra week—free of charge—on a sweet boat with a Vegas-style casino, a mall, mini golf, and hot tubs,” said area woman Sarah Collins, who admitted she felt jealous of the passengers exposed to the potentially fatal illness as she scrolled through the grand-class cruise liner’s website, eyeing the original musical productions and imagining herself relaxing with a massage, manicure, or facial. “Are you kidding me? They’re living the life out there. They can have an authentic culinary experience at Sabatini’s Italian Trattoria, or hit the all-you-can-eat buffet for as much seafood as they want. If I were them, I’d be thanking my lucky stars for every day they refused to let me disembark.” Sources added that all the high fevers and shortness of breath were probably the result of having a few too many tiki drinks and a little too much fun dancing in the piano bar.


theonion--2020-03-10--Twitter Adds ‘Manipulated Media’ Label To Video Retweeted By Trump

A new Twitter policy intended to crack down on tweets containing deceptive photos , audio , and video was deployed @ @ @ @ @ on an edited clip of Joe Biden that was circulated by the president and his @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Perfect , now I know exactly which videos to share @ @

A new Twitter policy intended to crack down on tweets containing deceptive photos, audio, and video was deployed for the first time Sunday on an edited clip of Joe Biden that was circulated by the president and his social media director. What do you think?
“I’m glad Twitter is finally cracking down on Twitter.” Alma Collier • Unemployed
“Perfect, now I know exactly which videos to share.” Howard Scott • Grout Whitener
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theonion--2020-03-10--Things Must Be Getting Pretty Serious For Girlfriend’s Dad To Gift Bottle Of BBQ Sauce

BAIRDSTOWN , OH—Admitting he was initially baffled by the unexpected present , area man Troy Williams figured that things must @ @ @ @ @ his girlfriend ’ s dad to gift him a bottle of BBQ sauce , sources @ @ @ @ @ and I have only been exclusive for about three months , but now that her @ @ @ @ @ goodwill by mailing me BBQ sauce , I guess the pressure ’ s on , @ @ @ @ @ to the 20-ounce container of Lillie ’ s Carolina Barbecue sauce now sitting on his @ @ @ @ @ note said Kyla told him we cooked ribs once and that this sauce is great @ @ @ @ @ have it .
I guess this is a sign that he ’ s welcoming me @ @ @ @ @ this some kind of test ?
” Williams confirmed plans to fire up the grill @ @ @ @ @ girlfriend send her father a photograph of them consuming the BBQ sauce , which he @ @ @ @ @ message that he respects Kyla and appreciates her family .

BAIRDSTOWN, OH—Admitting he was initially baffled by the unexpected present, area man Troy Williams figured that things must be getting pretty serious for his girlfriend’s dad to gift him a bottle of BBQ sauce, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Kyla and I have only been exclusive for about three months, but now that her dad made this gesture of goodwill by mailing me BBQ sauce, I guess the pressure’s on,” said Williams, motioning to the 20-ounce container of Lillie’s Carolina Barbecue sauce now sitting on his kitchen counter. “The note said Kyla told him we cooked ribs once and that this sauce is great on ribs so I should have it. I guess this is a sign that he’s welcoming me into their family? Is this some kind of test?” Williams confirmed plans to fire up the grill this weekend and have his girlfriend send her father a photograph of them consuming the BBQ sauce, which he hopes will send a clear message that he respects Kyla and appreciates her family.


theonion--2020-03-10--Insecure Man Worried Everyone At Gym Will Stare At His Perfectly Chiseled Body

FLAGSTAFF , AZ—Voicing his deep-seated feelings of body-related self-consciousness , local man Will Bettner admitted Tuesday that he was worried @ @ @ @ @ staring at his perfectly chiseled body .
“ I simply want to take care of @ @ @ @ @ feel like everyone is just ogling its rippling , godlike magnificence , ” said Bettner @ @ @ @ @ taken to wearing large hoodies in an unsuccessful attempt to obscure his gigantic biceps .
@ @ @ @ @ to feel everyone ’ s eyes on you while you deadlift more weight than they @ @ @ @ @ Even the trainers are always on my back about my gain goals , and also @ @ @ @ @ and what my phone number is .
I mean , I know I should be @ @ @ @ @ for what it is , but it ’ s hard when society sets unrealistic standards @ @ @ @ @ ’ m constantly surpassing.
” Bettner told reporters that he refuses to change in the @ @ @ @ @ that someone would see his massive penis .

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—Voicing his deep-seated feelings of body-related self-consciousness, local man Will Bettner admitted Tuesday that he was worried everyone at his gym was staring at his perfectly chiseled body. “I simply want to take care of my body, but I feel like everyone is just ogling its rippling, godlike magnificence,” said Bettner, 29, who has taken to wearing large hoodies in an unsuccessful attempt to obscure his gigantic biceps. “It’s unnerving to feel everyone’s eyes on you while you deadlift more weight than they could ever dream of. Even the trainers are always on my back about my gain goals, and also if I’m single and what my phone number is. I mean, I know I should be able to love my body for what it is, but it’s hard when society sets unrealistic standards of physical perfection that I’m constantly surpassing.” Bettner told reporters that he refuses to change in the locker room out of fear that someone would see his massive penis.


theonion--2020-03-10--‘Vote Blue No Matter Who, Vote Blue No Matter Who,’ Chants Man Filling In Every Bubble On Democratic

‘Vote Blue No Matter Who, Vote Blue No Matter Who,’ Chants Man Filling In Every Bubble On Democratic Primary Ballot

KANSAS CITY , MO—Determined to support all Democratic candidates without exception , local man Todd McMaster reportedly chanted “ Vote blue no matter who , vote blue no matter who ” Tuesday as he filled in every bubble on his party ’ s presidential primary ballot .
“ Let ’ s see , there ’ s one for Bernie , one for Biden , one for Klobuchar , one for Buttigieg—and I ’ d better not forget Warren or Bloomberg or Deval Patrick or Tulsi , ’ cause they ’ re blue , too , ” said McMaster , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first name on his form after noticing the candidate was a Democrat , and then did the same for the other 21 Democrats listed .
“ I ’ ve never heard of Robby Wells or Rocky de la Fuente III , but if they ’ re Democrats , they ’ re getting a vote .
Almost got ’ em all !
Wait , hold on—I don ’ t see John Delaney or Kirsten Gillibrand on here .
Am I supposed to write them in ?
” At press time , sources confirmed that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blank .

KANSAS CITY, MO—Determined to support all Democratic candidates without exception, local man Todd McMaster reportedly chanted “Vote blue no matter who, vote blue no matter who” Tuesday as he filled in every bubble on his party’s presidential primary ballot. “Let’s see, there’s one for Bernie, one for Biden, one for Klobuchar, one for Buttigieg—and I’d better not forget Warren or Bloomberg or Deval Patrick or Tulsi, ’cause they’re blue, too,” said McMaster, who frantically colored in the circle beside the first name on his form after noticing the candidate was a Democrat, and then did the same for the other 21 Democrats listed. “I’ve never heard of Robby Wells or Rocky de la Fuente III, but if they’re Democrats, they’re getting a vote. Almost got ’em all! Wait, hold on—I don’t see John Delaney or Kirsten Gillibrand on here. Am I supposed to write them in?” At press time, sources confirmed that McMaster had left all the down-ballot races blank.


theonion--2020-03-10--Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 10, 2020

Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some , especially considering the @ @ @ @ @ going grocery shopping .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
Your insistence on having your father walk you down the aisle may seem odd to some, especially considering the two of you are only going grocery shopping.


theonion--2020-03-12--Racist ‘Song Of The South’ Will Not Be Added To Disney+

Bob Iger confirmed that Song Of The South , a 1946 live-action/animated musical criticized for promoting racist stereotypes and glorifying @ @ @ @ @ will not appear on the company ’ s streaming service .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ reason , we ’ re all okay with Lady And The Tramp sexualizing the homeless @ @

Bob Iger confirmed that Song Of The South, a 1946 live-action/animated musical criticized for promoting racist stereotypes and glorifying life on Reconstruction-era plantations, will not appear on the company’s streaming service. What do you think?
“Yikes. That animated live-action hybrid style hasn’t aged well at all.” Howard Bush • Dishwashing Supervisor
“But for some reason, we’re all okay with Lady And The Tramp sexualizing the homeless?” Lynda Bradley • Professional Quilter
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theonion--2020-03-12--Green Giant Takes A Stand Against Gun Violence

The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners @ @ @ @ @ for green beans .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 @ @ @ @ @ store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use @ @ @ @ @ !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 @ @ @ @ @ dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

The vegetable packaging company Green Giant announced this week that they are rolling out a new program where gun owners can trade in their firearms for green beans.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-12--Dow Jones Drops 20% As Pandemic Fears Grow

On the heels of the World Health Organization declaring coronavirus a pandemic , the Dow Jones dropped 20 % from @ @ @ @ @ year and officially tipped into a bear market .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ me to have sympathy for vague , man-made concepts such as stockbrokers.
” “ You @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re controlling the Dow with our minds ?
Awesome !
” “ This @ @ @ @ @ in timeshares .
”

On the heels of the World Health Organization declaring coronavirus a pandemic, the Dow Jones dropped 20% from its 11-year high earlier this year and officially tipped into a bear market. What do you think?
“It’s hard for me to have sympathy for vague, man-made concepts such as stockbrokers.” Melba Cummings • Accordion Virtuoso
“You mean, in a sense we’re controlling the Dow with our minds? Awesome!” Adam Hopkins • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-03-12--Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your Fucking Seats Because This Bitch Hasn’t Even Thought About

Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your Fucking Seats Because This Bitch Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting Yet’

STANFORD , CA—In response to the ongoing coronavirus outbreak , top U.S. health experts warned the nation Thursday to hold @ @ @ @ @ because this bitch hasn ’ t even thought about starting yet .
“ We ’ @ @ @ @ @ of questions surrounding Covid-19 , and , well , you all better buckle the fuck @ @ @ @ @ is about to kick into high gear , ” said Stanford professor of health research @ @ @ @ @ throwing all his papers in the air and warning the nation that they better strap @ @ @ @ @ motherfucker will knock you on your goddamn ass .
“ If you think it ’ @ @ @ @ @ fucking wait , because this son of a bitch is gon na go into full-fledged @ @ @ @ @ wash your hands , cut off your hands—it doesn ’ t fucking matter .
You @ @ @ @ @ get absolutely fucking destroyed.
” At press time , Mason knocked over his podium , @ @ @ @ @ on the floor , and started screaming , “ Steel yourselves !
”

STANFORD, CA—In response to the ongoing coronavirus outbreak, top U.S. health experts warned the nation Thursday to hold onto their fucking seats, because this bitch hasn’t even thought about starting yet. “We’ve been getting a lot of questions surrounding Covid-19, and, well, you all better buckle the fuck up, because this shit is about to kick into high gear,” said Stanford professor of health research and policy Richard Mason, throwing all his papers in the air and warning the nation that they better strap in tight, because this motherfucker will knock you on your goddamn ass. “If you think it’s bad now, just fucking wait, because this son of a bitch is gonna go into full-fledged annihilation mode. Seriously, wash your hands, cut off your hands—it doesn’t fucking matter. You poor bastards are going to get absolutely fucking destroyed.” At press time, Mason knocked over his podium, curled up in a ball on the floor, and started screaming, “Steel yourselves!”


theonion--2020-03-12--Best Buy CEO Humbly Asks If Everyone Can Go Out And Buy A Cord Or Something To Help With Company’s C

Best Buy CEO Humbly Asks If Everyone Can Go Out And Buy A Cord Or Something To Help With Company’s Coronavirus Losses

RICHFIELD , MN—Saying it would be a really huge help during a difficult time , Best Buy CEO Corie Barry sheepishly pleaded with Americans on Thursday to go out and buy a cord or maybe an adapter of some kind to support the electronics retailer as it faces losses related to the coronavirus .
“ We ’ re expecting lower sales and profits due to Covid-19 , so if you guys could swing by sometime and pick up a cable or possibly a phone charger , that would be awfully great , ” said Barry , adding that it wouldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , like a 25-foot HDMI cable , but could just be an extra coaxial cable , some speaker wire , or even a regular old extension cord for when you need to plug in something that ’ s too far away from an outlet .
“ It ’ s always good to have extra cables and stuff like that around .
If you don ’ t need it right now , you could just put it in a drawer with all your other cords .
Something to think about , anyway .
And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our store , maybe you ’ ll want to pick up something extra like a small portable Bluetooth speaker or a DVD of a movie you like .
Might come in handy .
Plus , we ’ d be so , so grateful for that.
” Barry went on to state that if you don ’ t want to purchase any electronics at the moment , Best Buy also sells candy and soft drinks in the checkout line , and everyone deserves to have a little treat now and then .

RICHFIELD, MN—Saying it would be a really huge help during a difficult time, Best Buy CEO Corie Barry sheepishly pleaded with Americans on Thursday to go out and buy a cord or maybe an adapter of some kind to support the electronics retailer as it faces losses related to the coronavirus. “We’re expecting lower sales and profits due to Covid-19, so if you guys could swing by sometime and pick up a cable or possibly a phone charger, that would be awfully great,” said Barry, adding that it wouldn’t have to be anything expensive, like a 25-foot HDMI cable, but could just be an extra coaxial cable, some speaker wire, or even a regular old extension cord for when you need to plug in something that’s too far away from an outlet. “It’s always good to have extra cables and stuff like that around. If you don’t need it right now, you could just put it in a drawer with all your other cords. Something to think about, anyway. And hey, while you’re in our store, maybe you’ll want to pick up something extra like a small portable Bluetooth speaker or a DVD of a movie you like. Might come in handy. Plus, we’d be so, so grateful for that.” Barry went on to state that if you don’t want to purchase any electronics at the moment, Best Buy also sells candy and soft drinks in the checkout line, and everyone deserves to have a little treat now and then.


theonion--2020-03-12--Myth Vs. Fact: Coronavirus

Myth Vs. Fact: Coronavirus

Covid-19 , or the coronavirus , has confirmed to be present in at least 112 countries , and while the number of cases have increased , so have rumors and misinformation about it .
The Onion sets the record straight by debunking popular myths about the coronavirus .
FACT : A coronavirus diagnosis only happens to people able to go to a hospital .
FACT : Like all plagues , Covid-19 is the work of God Himself .
FACT : Your face itches .
What are you going to do ?
Suffer ?
MYTH : Covid-19 was made in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ No , silly , that was the Zika virus .
MYTH : Coronavirus probably won ’ t be that big of a deal in the end .
FACT : You don ’ t know how weak your grandma ’ s immune system really is , do you ?
MYTH : Fewer people have died from coronavirus than the flu .
FACT : The CDC recommends limiting interaction with any animals that recently returned from a cruise or travels abroad .
MYTH : Coronavirus could spiral out of control due to the U.S. healthcare @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Coronavirus could spiral out of control due to the U.S. healthcare system ’ s design .

Covid-19, or the coronavirus, has confirmed to be present in at least 112 countries, and while the number of cases have increased, so have rumors and misinformation about it. The Onion sets the record straight by debunking popular myths about the coronavirus.
MYTH: A coronavirus diagnosis is fatal.
FACT: A coronavirus diagnosis only happens to people able to go to a hospital.
MYTH: Covid-19 is a manmade disease.
FACT: Like all plagues, Covid-19 is the work of God Himself.
MYTH: You shouldn’t touch your face.
FACT: Your face itches. What are you going to do? Suffer?
MYTH: Covid-19 was made in a lab for population control.
FACT: No, silly, that was the Zika virus.
MYTH: Coronavirus probably won’t be that big of a deal in the end.
FACT: You don’t know how weak your grandma’s immune system really is, do you?
MYTH: Fewer people have died from coronavirus than the flu.
FACT: Well, that’s just simple math.
MYTH: Pets can spread coronavirus.
FACT: The CDC recommends limiting interaction with any animals that recently returned from a cruise or travels abroad.
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MYTH: Coronavirus could spiral out of control due to the U.S. healthcare system’s failures.
FACT: Coronavirus could spiral out of control due to the U.S. healthcare system’s design.


theonion--2020-03-12--BP Executives Combat Negative Perceptions Of Fossil Fuel Companies By Putting Iceberg In Hotel Room

BP Executives Combat Negative Perceptions Of Fossil Fuel Companies By Putting Iceberg In Hotel Room With Murdered Prostitute

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to rehabilitate their industry ’ s tarnished public image , BP executives were reportedly combating negative perceptions of fossil fuel companies Thursday by putting an iceberg in a hotel room with a murdered prostitute .
“ BP is committed to a greener tomorrow and acknowledges its past contributions to climate change , but incidents like this show that the melting glaciers are not wholly innocent either , ” said CEO Bernard Looney shortly after slipping out of the hotel room and calling in an anonymous tip with TMZ , explaining that the large piece of freshwater @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the dead sex worker , reeking with booze .
“ Apparently , the cops found half an ounce of crystal meth on the bedside table , and from what I ’ ve heard the young woman may have been underage .
This is , of course , a sickening , vile scene ; and unfortunately , it really calls into question this glacier ’ s motivation for breaking off from its ice sheet in the first place.
” At press time , Looney told reporters that the glacier had killed itself in police @ @ @ @ @ @

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to rehabilitate their industry’s tarnished public image, BP executives were reportedly combating negative perceptions of fossil fuel companies Thursday by putting an iceberg in a hotel room with a murdered prostitute. “BP is committed to a greener tomorrow and acknowledges its past contributions to climate change, but incidents like this show that the melting glaciers are not wholly innocent either,” said CEO Bernard Looney shortly after slipping out of the hotel room and calling in an anonymous tip with TMZ, explaining that the large piece of freshwater ice had been found by police near the dead sex worker, reeking with booze. “Apparently, the cops found half an ounce of crystal meth on the bedside table, and from what I’ve heard the young woman may have been underage. This is, of course, a sickening, vile scene; and unfortunately, it really calls into question this glacier’s motivation for breaking off from its ice sheet in the first place.” At press time, Looney told reporters that the glacier had killed itself in police custody with a smuggled-in hairdryer.


theonion--2020-03-11--Judge Rules Led Zeppelin Did Not Steal ‘Stairway To Heaven’ Riff

The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has rejected a copyright lawsuit that claims the English rock band lifted key @ @ @ @ @ 1968 single “ Taurus ” for their song “ Stairway To Heaven , ” upholding @ @ @ @ @ the chord progressions were “ not intrinsically similar.
” What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ what made ‘ Stairway To Heaven ’ famous in the first place.
” “ There @ @ @ @ @ and roll than the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.
” “ I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ Heaven isn ’ t originally theirs either .
”

The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals has rejected a copyright lawsuit that claims the English rock band lifted key components from Spirit’s 1968 single “Taurus” for their song “Stairway To Heaven,” upholding a 2016 decision that found the chord progressions were “not intrinsically similar.” What do you think?
“Ironically, this lawsuit is what made ‘Stairway To Heaven’ famous in the first place.” Karl Martinez • Morning Gym Teacher
“There are few things more rock and roll than the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals.” Phyllis Gonzalez • Dance Advocate
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theonion--2020-03-11--Son-Of-A-Bitch Mouse Solves Maze Researchers Spent Months Building

Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience .
Hear why researchers believe one @ @ @ @ @ a real little bastard , may be to blame .
The Topical is presented by @ @ @ @ @ 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store @ @ @ @ @ use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but @ @ @ @ @ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find @ @ @ @ @ , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Scientists are calling it perhaps the biggest setback ever in the field of neuroscience. Hear why researchers believe one mouse, who’s a real little bastard, may be to blame.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-11--Putin Backs Constitutional Amendment That Could Keep Him In Office Through 2036

Russian lawmakers have introduced a proposal that would reset Vladimir Putin ’ s current term limit back to zero , @ @ @ @ @ president for two more six-year terms .
What do you think ?
“ Yeah , @ @ @ @ @ ’ d even want to run again.
” “ It ’ s time for Putin @ @ @ @ @ someone else have a go with maintaining absolute power.
” “ I love that I @ @ @ @ @ old with him .
”

Russian lawmakers have introduced a proposal that would reset Vladimir Putin’s current term limit back to zero, allowing him to serve as president for two more six-year terms. What do you think?
“Yeah, but who knows if he’d even want to run again.” Bryan Nguyen • FEMA Arbiter
“It’s time for Putin to step aside and let someone else have a go with maintaining absolute power.” Olive Newman • Junk Mail Deliverywoman
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theonion--2020-03-11--Best Methods For Staying Safe From Coronavirus

Become an epidemiologist by earning your doctorate of public health ( DrPH ) .
Johns Hopkins has the best program @ @ @ @ @ maybe consider applying to Drexel as a safety school ?
It ’ s not that @ @ @ @ @ you ’ ll get into Hopkins , it ’ s just , you know , @ @ @ @ @ .
Philly ’ s actually supposed to be a pretty cool city .

Become an epidemiologist by earning your doctorate of public health (DrPH). Johns Hopkins has the best program for sure, but also maybe consider applying to Drexel as a safety school? It’s not that we don’t think you’ll get into Hopkins, it’s just, you know, always smart to have options. Philly’s actually supposed to be a pretty cool city.


theonion--2020-03-11--‘I Can’t Wait To Dress Up As The Coronavirus For Halloween,’ Says Man Who Will Be Dead By May

DUBLIN , OH—Eagerly expounding on what he described as “ probably [ his ] best costu me idea ever , ” local 28-year-old Aiden Johnston , who sources confirmed will be dead by May , told reporters Wednesday he can ’ t wait to dress up as Covid-19 for Halloween .
“ Oh , man , it ’ d be so funny if I went as the coronavirus and my girlfriend went as the CDC—that would absolutely crush , ” said Johnston , wondering aloud whether a bright-red , full-body spandex suit covered in ping-pong balls would sufficiently represent the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his lungs in April and , within a matter of weeks , cause all of his major organs to shut down .
“ I wonder if there ’ s a way to get my dog in on it , too .
I know my friends [ half of whom will also reportedly die from Covid-19 ] would have a good laugh if I put a little surgical mask on him .
Maybe I ’ ll even throw a quarantine-themed party and we can cover up all the windows with plastic and give out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” At press time , sources reported that Johnston had decided to get a head start on his costume by picking up a few things at a local Walmart , where he immediately contracted coronavirus from a shopping cart handle .

DUBLIN, OH—Eagerly expounding on what he described as “probably [his] best costu me idea ever,” local 28-year-old Aiden Johnston, who sources confirmed will be dead by May, told reporters Wednesday he can’t wait to dress up as Covid-19 for Halloween. “Oh, man, it’d be so funny if I went as the coronavirus and my girlfriend went as the CDC—that would absolutely crush,” said Johnston, wondering aloud whether a bright-red, full-body spandex suit covered in ping-pong balls would sufficiently represent the virus that will begin wreaking havoc on his lungs in April and, within a matter of weeks, cause all of his major organs to shut down. “I wonder if there’s a way to get my dog in on it, too. I know my friends [half of whom will also reportedly die from Covid-19] would have a good laugh if I put a little surgical mask on him. Maybe I’ll even throw a quarantine-themed party and we can cover up all the windows with plastic and give out gloves and hand sanitizer at the door!” At press time, sources reported that Johnston had decided to get a head start on his costume by picking up a few things at a local Walmart, where he immediately contracted coronavirus from a shopping cart handle.


theonion--2020-03-11--Biden Extends Olive Branch To Biden Supporters

PHILADELPHIA—In a largely measured speech calling for party unity after a string of primary victories , former Vice President Joe Biden took to the stage Tuesday night to extend an olive branch to Biden supporters .
“ I appreciate the enthusiasm and energy of Joe Biden ’ s voters , and I want any of his supporters who feel lost or counted out to know that there is a place for them with my campaign , ” said Biden , stressing that while he and the vice president did not see eye to eye on every issue , they both @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vision for the American people .
“ Of course , I might have occasionally clashed with Joe Biden in the more strained moments of recent debates , but we also worked together for many years in the Senate .
At the end of the day , whether you ’ re a Biden supporter or a Biden supporter , we have the same goal , which is to get Trump out of the White House and replace him with Joe Biden.
” At press time , pundits launched into fevered speculations that the candidate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden was mulling the choice to appoint Joe Biden as vice president .

OnionNews on Politics, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

PHILADELPHIA—In a largely measured speech calling for party unity after a string of primary victories, former Vice President Joe Biden took to the stage Tuesday night to extend an olive branch to Biden supporters. “I appreciate the enthusiasm and energy of Joe Biden’s voters, and I want any of his supporters who feel lost or counted out to know that there is a place for them with my campaign,” said Biden, stressing that while he and the vice president did not see eye to eye on every issue, they both shared values that represented a bold new vision for the American people. “Of course, I might have occasionally clashed with Joe Biden in the more strained moments of recent debates, but we also worked together for many years in the Senate. At the end of the day, whether you’re a Biden supporter or a Biden supporter, we have the same goal, which is to get Trump out of the White House and replace him with Joe Biden.” At press time, pundits launched into fevered speculations that the candidate’s speech could contain hints Joe Biden was mulling the choice to appoint Joe Biden as vice president.


theonion--2020-03-11--Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Who

Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri

WASHINGTON—Beating out her rivals with the help of a little-known technicality , Rep. Tulsi Gabbard ( D-HI ) was named the Democratic Party ’ s nominee for president Wednesday after the discovery of an obscure rule that grants the nomination to whoever wins 0.7 % of the vote in Missouri .
“ We weren ’ t expecting this , but after double-checking the party ’ s rules , it appears we are obliged to select Tulsi Gabbard as our candidate in 2020 , ” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez , shrugging his shoulders and pointing to a section @ @ @ @ @ @ @ contains the esoteric bylaw .
“ I know a lot of Democrats were probably wondering why she was still in the race .
But last night , while cross-referencing an old rule book in preparation for the upcoming debate , we came across this forgotten section of our charter , and , well , it all checks out .
I admit it was a pretty cunning strategy on her part .
With 100 % of precincts now reporting , it appears the congresswoman received exactly 0.7 % of votes in the Missouri primary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ come for us to put aside our differences and unite behind the next president of the United States , Tulsi Gabbard.
” Perez went on to apologize on behalf of his entire party for not awarding the Democratic nomination for president to Sen. Furnifold McLendel Simmons ( D-NC ) in 1920 .

WASHINGTON—Beating out her rivals with the help of a little-known technicality, Rep. Tulsi Gabbard (D-HI) was named the Democratic Party’s nominee for president Wednesday after the discovery of an obscure rule that grants the nomination to whoever wins 0.7% of the vote in Missouri. “We weren’t expecting this, but after double-checking the party’s rules, it appears we are obliged to select Tulsi Gabbard as our candidate in 2020,” said Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez, shrugging his shoulders and pointing to a section of a crumbling, yellowed document that contains the esoteric bylaw. “I know a lot of Democrats were probably wondering why she was still in the race. But last night, while cross-referencing an old rule book in preparation for the upcoming debate, we came across this forgotten section of our charter, and, well, it all checks out. I admit it was a pretty cunning strategy on her part. With 100% of precincts now reporting, it appears the congresswoman received exactly 0.7% of votes in the Missouri primary yesterday. And so the time has come for us to put aside our differences and unite behind the next president of the United States, Tulsi Gabbard.” Perez went on to apologize on behalf of his entire party for not awarding the Democratic nomination for president to Sen. Furnifold McLendel Simmons (D-NC) in 1920.


theonion--2020-03-11--Girlfriend Making Playlist Of Bands You Might Like To Associate With Her Forever

SEATTLE—In an unfortunately significant gesture of romantic affection , your current serious girlfriend has taken it upon herself to make you a playlist consisting of bands you might like to associate with her forever .
“ I ’ m trying to get a good mix of genres , sounds , and moods in here , all by common musical groups you will be forced to forever associate with me and what I ’ m going to say to you in the park next October , ” said your girlfriend while browsing Spotify to cobble together songs by performers ranging from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rae Jepsen , none of whom you ’ ll be able to bear the sound of by this time next year .
“ There are a few songs in here that I just know you ’ re going to love , as they ’ re inextricably connected to memories of our all-too-brief time together .
Some of them are as new as our love , but good enough that they ’ ll still be on the radio to haunt you years from now , and some are classic hits that I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in your mind .
I really put a lot of myself into this project.
” Your girlfriend has also taken steps to ensure that you will not be able to enjoy the taste of shakshuka , currently your favorite thing to cook for her , for the rest of your natural life .

OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

SEATTLE—In an unfortunately significant gesture of romantic affection, your current serious girlfriend has taken it upon herself to make you a playlist consisting of bands you might like to associate with her forever. “I’m trying to get a good mix of genres, sounds, and moods in here, all by common musical groups you will be forced to forever associate with me and what I’m going to say to you in the park next October,” said your girlfriend while browsing Spotify to cobble together songs by performers ranging from The Smiths to Tame Impala to Carly Rae Jepsen, none of whom you’ll be able to bear the sound of by this time next year. “There are a few songs in here that I just know you’re going to love, as they’re inextricably connected to memories of our all-too-brief time together. Some of them are as new as our love, but good enough that they’ll still be on the radio to haunt you years from now, and some are classic hits that I’ll ruin forever by associating them with me in your mind. I really put a lot of myself into this project.” Your girlfriend has also taken steps to ensure that you will not be able to enjoy the taste of shakshuka, currently your favorite thing to cook for her, for the rest of your natural life.


theonion--2020-03-13--Rob Gronkowski Signs Deal With World Wrestling Entertainment

Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has signed on to wrestle part-time for the WWE , with plans @ @ @ @ @ and Wrestle Mania 36 ahead of an actual match later this year .
What do @ @ @ @ @ to see someone who had to play in three Super Bowls finally get the chance @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ ll be weird to go from the all the pageantry and bombast @ @ @ @ @ WWE.
” “ Any idea what his ring name is gon na be ?
”

Former New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski has signed on to wrestle part-time for the WWE, with plans to make appearances on Smackdown and Wrestle Mania 36 ahead of an actual match later this year. What do you think?
“Inspiring to see someone who had to play in three Super Bowls finally get the chance to live his dream.” Elijah Duncan • Found Art Renovator
“It’ll be weird to go from the all the pageantry and bombast of the NFL to the WWE.” Heidi Stewart • Herb Drier
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theonion--2020-03-13--An Alarming Crime Scene In New England

An Alarming Crime Scene In New England

What we now know about the crime scene in Portland , ME that has all the different kinds of cops @ @ @ @ @ by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download @ @ @ @ @ Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only @ @ @ @ @ but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

What we now know about the crime scene in Portland, ME that has all the different kinds of cops.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-13--Trump Advises Americans Worried About Coronavirus To Just Get Doctor Who Always Tells Them They In P

Trump Advises Americans Worried About Coronavirus To Just Get Doctor Who Always Tells Them They In Perfect Health

WASHINGTON—Counseling a worried nation in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak , President Donald Trump used his televised address Friday to advise Americans worried about contracting coronavirus to just get a doctor who always tells them they are in perfect health .
“ For all of you out there who are worried about contracting the respiratory illness , I would recommend enlisting the service of a doctor who will just say you are totally healthy no matter what , ” said the commander in chief , specifying that it ’ s best to find a dubiously qualified physician who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ field and willing to cast aside all medical ethics in order just blindly tell you that you ’ re in great shape without even conducting any actual tests .
“ If you have any concerns about this disease , just go out and get yourself a physician who will blatantly lie to you about how you ’ re way healthier than other people your age in order to flatter your fragile ego .
Seriously , there ’ s nothing to be afraid of , people ; all you need to do is find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you a thumbs up and say ‘ looks good ’ regardless of your symptoms.
” Trump later continued the address by promising all Americans that enlisting the help of doctors like these will be free and easy under his newly proposed healthcare plan .

WASHINGTON—Counseling a worried nation in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump used his televised address Friday to advise Americans worried about contracting coronavirus to just get a doctor who always tells them they are in perfect health. “For all of you out there who are worried about contracting the respiratory illness, I would recommend enlisting the service of a doctor who will just say you are totally healthy no matter what,” said the commander in chief, specifying that it’s best to find a dubiously qualified physician who is not at all respected in their field and willing to cast aside all medical ethics in order just blindly tell you that you’re in great shape without even conducting any actual tests. “If you have any concerns about this disease, just go out and get yourself a physician who will blatantly lie to you about how you’re way healthier than other people your age in order to flatter your fragile ego. Seriously, there’s nothing to be afraid of, people; all you need to do is find some spineless coward who will just give you a thumbs up and say ‘looks good’ regardless of your symptoms.” Trump later continued the address by promising all Americans that enlisting the help of doctors like these will be free and easy under his newly proposed healthcare plan.


theonion--2020-03-13--College, Professional Sports Seasons Postponed And Suspended Following Coronavirus Fears

As coronavirus continues to spread , the NBA , NHL and NCAA called off the rest of their respective seasons @ @ @ @ @ Division I Basketball Tournament , while the MLB halted spring training .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ of months drin king in terse silence is just what me and the boys need.
@ @ @ @ @ hand , a highly contagious , deadly disease could really help mix things up this @ @ @ @ @ spooky .
That ’ s exactly what my fantasy league predicted would happen .
”

As coronavirus continues to spread, the NBA, NHL and NCAA called off the rest of their respective seasons, including the March Madness Division I Basketball Tournament, while the MLB halted spring training. What do you think?
“A couple of months drin king in terse silence is just what me and the boys need.” Joseph Luna • Industrial Laundress
“On the other hand, a highly contagious, deadly disease could really help mix things up this season.” Julius Schwartz • Foam Mattress Squisher
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theonion--2020-03-13--Movie Theaters Packed With Frenzied Crowds Trying To Catch Last-Minute Screening Of ‘Sonic’ Film Bef

Movie Theaters Packed With Frenzied Crowds Trying To Catch Last-Minute Screening Of ‘Sonic’ Film Before Coronavirus Hits

SKOKIE , IL—In preparation for what could potentially be weeks of isolation ahead , movie theaters across the country were packed with frenzied crowds trying to catch a last-minute screening of Sonic The Hedgehog before Covid-19 hits their communities , sources confirmed Friday .
“ Oh Geez , the lines are so long—why didn ’ t I do this way earlier , like as soon as I first found out about coronavirus ?
” said local 36-year-old Brandon Flora , who was just one of thousands of anxious consumers across the country flocking to theaters to see the animated film @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had time .
“ Ah , shit , I hope they have enough tickets .
I was going to buy one online until I saw they were being jacked up to , like , $ 100 .
Thank God AMC is rationing them to four per person , but still , people are getting pretty aggressive .
You don ’ t realize how important something like seeing the Sonic movie in theaters truly is until it ’ s almost taken away from you .
I ’ d regret it forever if I didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screen .
Oh no , I should have asked my elderly neighbors if they needed a ride to go see Sonic.
” At press time , a fight involving dozens of theater guests had broken out over the popcorn butter dispenser .

SKOKIE, IL—In preparation for what could potentially be weeks of isolation ahead, movie theaters across the country were packed with frenzied crowds trying to catch a last-minute screening of Sonic The Hedgehog before Covid-19 hits their communities, sources confirmed Friday. “Oh Geez, the lines are so long—why didn’t I do this way earlier, like as soon as I first found out about coronavirus?” said local 36-year-old Brandon Flora, who was just one of thousands of anxious consumers across the country flocking to theaters to see the animated film about an anthropomorphic hedgehog while they still had time. “Ah, shit, I hope they have enough tickets. I was going to buy one online until I saw they were being jacked up to, like, $100. Thank God AMC is rationing them to four per person, but still, people are getting pretty aggressive. You don’t realize how important something like seeing the Sonic movie in theaters truly is until it’s almost taken away from you. I’d regret it forever if I didn’t see this on the big screen. Oh no, I should have asked my elderly neighbors if they needed a ride to go see Sonic.” At press time, a fight involving dozens of theater guests had broken out over the popcorn butter dispenser.


theonion--2020-03-13--Frustrated Jared Kushner Doesn’t Get Why Everyone In Media Attacking His Qualifications Like They Di

Frustrated Jared Kushner Doesn’t Get Why Everyone In Media Attacking His Qualifications Like They Didn’t Just Get Jobs Through Nepotism Too

WASHINGTON—Amid widespread criticism of the key role he has played in President Trump ’ s Covid-19 response , a frustrated Jared Kushner confirmed Friday he was struggling to understand why everyone in the media was attacking his qualifications as if they didn ’ t also get their jobs through pure nepotism .
“ I don ’ t get why I ’ m being slammed by all these cable news commentators and opinion columnists who , if they were put in charge of a pandemic by a powerful family member , would smugly assume they knew exactly what to do too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the president , who explained he was especially hurt to see so many of his fellow Harvard University alumni denouncing one of their own .
“ You guys are acting all holier-than-thou , but if your father-in-law were president of the United States instead of a board member at some media conglomerate , you ’ d choose to work in the West Wing , too .
Just fucking admit it.
” Kushner added that this went for “ all the little hypocrites ” at Fox News too , who he claimed were also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ afraid to say it out loud .

WASHINGTON—Amid widespread criticism of the key role he has played in President Trump’s Covid-19 response, a frustrated Jared Kushner confirmed Friday he was struggling to understand why everyone in the media was attacking his qualifications as if they didn’t also get their jobs through pure nepotism. “I don’t get why I’m being slammed by all these cable news commentators and opinion columnists who, if they were put in charge of a pandemic by a powerful family member, would smugly assume they knew exactly what to do too,” said the senior adviser to the president, who explained he was especially hurt to see so many of his fellow Harvard University alumni denouncing one of their own. “You guys are acting all holier-than-thou, but if your father-in-law were president of the United States instead of a board member at some media conglomerate, you’d choose to work in the West Wing, too. Just fucking admit it.” Kushner added that this went for “all the little hypocrites” at Fox News too, who he claimed were also judging him, even if they were afraid to say it out loud.


theonion--2020-03-13--Kushner Announces Doctors HATE Him After He Discovered One Weird Trick To CURE Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—In an official White House press release as the administration ’ s leading advisor on the viral pandemic , Jared Kushner announced Friday that doctors HATE him after he discovered one weird trick that will CURE coronavirus .
“ Doctors DON ’ T want you to know this , but you can DESTROY coronavirus FROM HOME in under 24 hours with this one simple method !
!
!
!
” read Kushner ’ s statement in part , advising all U.S. citizens to visit the website www.KushCures.gov NOW to experience the 100 % effective coronavirus CURE discovered by a DAD @ @ @ @ @ @ @ solution is helping families everywhere !
To learn more , send $ 100 to the CDC to Find Out Now why Doctors HATE it but Moms LOVE it !
Medical experts everywhere were STUMPED by the coronavirus , and they IGNORED me just because I didn ’ t have a doctor license , but they just don ’ t want you to know about this AMAZING LIFE HACK that will ensure you never have to visit your hospital for coronavirus—ever again !
Plus , not only is my 30-second MIRACLE CURE completely effective @ @ @ @ @ @ @ help you Lose Up To 5 Pounds Of Belly Fat—and KEEP IT OFF !
!
!
” Kushner ’ s official press release reportedly concluded with an exclusive limited-time offer to buy an iPad from the government for under $ 24 .

WASHINGTON—In an official White House press release as the administration’s leading advisor on the viral pandemic, Jared Kushner announced Friday that doctors HATE him after he discovered one weird trick that will CURE coronavirus. “Doctors DON’T want you to know this, but you can DESTROY coronavirus FROM HOME in under 24 hours with this one simple method!!!!” read Kushner’s statement in part, advising all U.S. citizens to visit the website www.KushCures.gov NOW to experience the 100% effective coronavirus CURE discovered by a DAD. “My quick and easy coronavirus solution is helping families everywhere! To learn more, send $100 to the CDC to Find Out Now why Doctors HATE it but Moms LOVE it! Medical experts everywhere were STUMPED by the coronavirus, and they IGNORED me just because I didn’t have a doctor license, but they just don’t want you to know about this AMAZING LIFE HACK that will ensure you never have to visit your hospital for coronavirus—ever again! Plus, not only is my 30-second MIRACLE CURE completely effective at ERADICATING coronavirus, it will also help you Lose Up To 5 Pounds Of Belly Fat—and KEEP IT OFF!!!” Kushner’s official press release reportedly concluded with an exclusive limited-time offer to buy an iPad from the government for under $24.


theonion--2020-03-13--Trump Assures Americans He Called 911 To Report Coronavirus Outbreak

WASHINGTON—Saying he was on top of the situation and the disease would not be spreading any further , President Donald Trump assured the nation Friday that he had called 911 to report the coronavirus pandemic and that help was on its way .
“ I just got off the phone with 911 , they are aware of the situation , and we ’ ll soon have this thing taken care of , ” the commander-in-chief said during a televised address on Covid-19 , urging all 330 million Americans not to worry because emergency response personnel should be arriving to assist @ @ @ @ @ @ @ made sure to tell the operator this thing was important , and she agreed with me .
So everyone should just relax and wait for them .
They can send the fire department and the ambulance or both , and then they can probably give you a flu shot or something like that .
It ’ s good .
We ’ re in good shape.
” At press time , White House sources confirmed the president had dialed 911 again to tell them that everything was actually fine and the nation didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Saying he was on top of the situation and the disease would not be spreading any further, President Donald Trump assured the nation Friday that he had called 911 to report the coronavirus pandemic and that help was on its way. “I just got off the phone with 911, they are aware of the situation, and we’ll soon have this thing taken care of,” the commander-in-chief said during a televised address on Covid-19, urging all 330 million Americans not to worry because emergency response personnel should be arriving to assist them any minute now. “I made sure to tell the operator this thing was important, and she agreed with me. So everyone should just relax and wait for them. They can send the fire department and the ambulance or both, and then they can probably give you a flu shot or something like that. It’s good. We’re in good shape.” At press time, White House sources confirmed the president had dialed 911 again to tell them that everything was actually fine and the nation didn’t need their help at all.


theonion--2020-03-13--Health Experts Worry Coronavirus Will Overwhelm America’s GoFundMe System

BALTIMORE—Warning that the nation was unprepared to deal with the fallout of the global pandemic , researchers from Johns Hopkins University told reporters Friday they worried that Covid-19 would overwhelm America ’ s GoFundMe system .
“ GoFundMe is the bedrock of the American healthcare system , and as the number of Covid-19 cases continues to rapidly spread , we fear the servers just won ’ t be able to take it , ” said research director Dr. Monica White , who stressed that if the pandemic were to grow any worse , there simply would not be enough $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strangers to go around .
“ America ’ s GoFundMe system is already overburdened .
There are only so many links from sick friends of friends we can share on social media before the whole thing collapses .
We recommend that if anyone is suffering from minor financial strife such a medical debt from the cost of insulin or cancer treatment , you defer to those diagnosed with Covid-19.
” At press time , GoFundMe employees announced they were working around the clock to ensure the health and safety of the nation .

BALTIMORE—Warning that the nation was unprepared to deal with the fallout of the global pandemic, researchers from Johns Hopkins University told reporters Friday they worried that Covid-19 would overwhelm America’s GoFundMe system. “GoFundMe is the bedrock of the American healthcare system, and as the number of Covid-19 cases continues to rapidly spread, we fear the servers just won’t be able to take it,” said research director Dr. Monica White, who stressed that if the pandemic were to grow any worse, there simply would not be enough $5 and $10 donations from sympathetic strangers to go around. “America’s GoFundMe system is already overburdened. There are only so many links from sick friends of friends we can share on social media before the whole thing collapses. We recommend that if anyone is suffering from minor financial strife such a medical debt from the cost of insulin or cancer treatment, you defer to those diagnosed with Covid-19.” At press time, GoFundMe employees announced they were working around the clock to ensure the health and safety of the nation.


theonion--2020-03-13--Everything You Need To Know About ‘Nioh 2’

After proving its mettle as one of the first Souls-like series to live up to its inspiration , Nioh 2 hit the market this week to drag gamers through an ass-kicking action game tour of feudal Japan .
Here ’ s everything you need to know to get started .
Though set in a fictionalized version of Japan during the turbulent Warring States period , the game features appearances from a number of real-life historical figures including baseball great Ty Cobb and former Attorney General Janet Reno .
The story is set in 1555 , or for those not familiar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The number of Yokai who can absolutely go fuck themselves has been increased by 50 % compared to the original .
Unlike the first game , Nioh 2 ’ s character generator lets you decide if your avatar is circumcised or not .
To improve on the overwhelming difficulty that was a hallmark of the first game , Nioh 2 features a Hardcore Mode that immediately breaks the disc when you put it into your PS4 .
Due to an irreparable glitch in the graphics engine , characters continue to grow their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rate throughout the game with no option of clipping them off .
Nioh 2 will clock in at over 55 hours of playtime and 20 hours of fun .
Oh , you can summon two friends to help you in co-op this time instead of just one ?
Huh , we didn ’ t even realize you could summon people in the first game .
Never needed it , we suppose .
Just wasn ’ t that hard for us .
Guess this sort of game comes naturally to some people , you @ @

OnionNews on OGN, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

After proving its mettle as one of the first Souls-like series to live up to its inspiration, Nioh 2 hit the market this week to drag gamers through an ass-kicking action game tour of feudal Japan. Here’s everything you need to know to get started.
Though set in a fictionalized version of Japan during the turbulent Warring States period, the game features appearances from a number of real-life historical figures including baseball great Ty Cobb and former Attorney General Janet Reno.
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The story is set in 1555, or for those not familiar with military time, at 3:55 p.m.
The number of Yokai who can absolutely go fuck themselves has been increased by 50% compared to the original.
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Unlike the first game, Nioh 2’s character generator lets you decide if your avatar is circumcised or not.
To improve on the overwhelming difficulty that was a hallmark of the first game, Nioh 2 features a Hardcore Mode that immediately breaks the disc when you put it into your PS4.
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Due to an irreparable glitch in the graphics engine, characters continue to grow their fingernails out indefinitely at an extremely fast rate throughout the game with no option of clipping them off.
Nioh 2 will clock in at over 55 hours of playtime and 20 hours of fun.
Oh, you can summon two friends to help you in co-op this time instead of just one? Huh, we didn’t even realize you could summon people in the first game. Never needed it, we suppose. Just wasn’t that hard for us. Guess this sort of game comes naturally to some people, you know.


theonion--2020-03-13--How U.S. Organizations Are Responding To The Coronavirus Outbreak

As the coronavirus spreads through the United States , organizations from local businesses to multinational firms are figuring out how @ @ @ @ @ of Covid-19 ’ s spread on employees , consumers , and business partners .
The @ @ @ @ @ how different organizations are responding to the coronavirus outbreak .
Grubhub : Reminding drivers to @ @ @ @ @ it Postmates : Customers can opt for non-contact deliveries to avoid attributing any humanity to @ @ @ @ @ : Watching the money roll in the door Lyft : Slightly less horrible version of @ @ @ @ @ & Buster ’ s : Leaving it up to you if you think all this @ @ @ @ @ Your Favorite Brands : Considering the health and safety of both their valued employees and @ @ @ @ @ utmost priority

As the coronavirus spreads through the United States, organizations from local businesses to multinational firms are figuring out how to cope with the effects of Covid-19’s spread on employees, consumers, and business partners. The Onion takes a look at how different organizations are responding to the coronavirus outbreak.
In-N-Out Burger: Adding immune-boosting essential oils to fry bins
Grubhub: Reminding drivers to wash all food before delivering it
NFL: Issuing virus a $50,000 fine
Motel 6: Flipping the mattress
Postmates: Customers can opt for non-contact deliveries to avoid attributing any humanity to delivery drivers
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Zoom Video Conferencing: Watching the money roll in the door
Lyft: Slightly less horrible version of whatever Uber is doing
American Airlines: Preventing airborne spread of virus by regularly depressurizing planes mid-flight
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Dave & Buster’s: Leaving it up to you if you think all this is worth the risk
All Your Favorite Brands: Considering the health and safety of both their valued employees and loyal customers to be their utmost priority


theonion--2020-03-13--Guests Spit Mouthfuls Of Tuna Into Buckets At StarKist Cannery Tour Tasting Room

PAGO PAGO , AMERICAN SAMOA—Swishing the seafood around their mouths to fully appreciate the flavor , guests reportedly spit mouthfuls @ @ @ @ @ at the StarKist cannery tour tasting room .
“ Mmm , strong fishy bouquet with @ @ @ @ @ and it finishes with some notes of salt , ” said tourist Corrina Garvin , @ @ @ @ @ albacore tuna to examine how it streaked down the glass .
“ This low-sodium light @ @ @ @ @ mouthfeel , which I like , but I think my favorite so far has been @ @ @ @ @ yellowfin .
I ’ m a bit of a canned fish snob , so it @ @ @ @ @ all these finely aged tins and this year ’ s new blends .
Plus , @ @ @ @ @ tour the factory and see how the product goes from swimming in the ocean to @ @ @ @ @ vacuum-sealed.
” At press time , StarKist guests were invited to kick off their shoes @ @ @ @ @ , and stomp tuna in barrels the old-fashioned way .

PAGO PAGO, AMERICAN SAMOA—Swishing the seafood around their mouths to fully appreciate the flavor, guests reportedly spit mouthfuls of tuna into buckets Friday at the StarKist cannery tour tasting room. “Mmm, strong fishy bouquet with this one, medium-bodied, and it finishes with some notes of salt,” said tourist Corrina Garvin, swirling the sample of oil-packed albacore tuna to examine how it streaked down the glass. “This low-sodium light tuna has a very chunky mouthfeel, which I like, but I think my favorite so far has been the 2015 vintage of the yellowfin. I’m a bit of a canned fish snob, so it’s awesome to try all these finely aged tins and this year’s new blends. Plus, it was really neat to tour the factory and see how the product goes from swimming in the ocean to being scaled, deboned and vacuum-sealed.” At press time, StarKist guests were invited to kick off their shoes, roll up their pants, and stomp tuna in barrels the old-fashioned way.


theonion--2020-03-13--Orioles Suggest That MLB Maybe Consider Canceling Entire Season Just To Be Totally Safe

BALTIMORE—Insisting that this was an abundance of caution around the coronavirus and absolutely nothing else , the players and staff of the Baltimore Orioles suggested to the MLB Friday that they should consider just canceling the entire season to be safe .
“ We just think that given the risk there is really no reason why we should have to go out there and play 182 games this year—we just care about people ’ s safety is all , ” said pitcher Alex Cobb , who assured reporters that the team ’ s lack of desire to play through the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way .
“ Why play against the Yankees and the Red Sox game after game with this horrible infectious disease out there .
It might seem safe to just take a month off , but it could come roaring back in the middle of July when we are already 40 games under .500 , not that that matters at all .
We ’ re just thinking about the fans and their health , nothing else.
” Cobb added that given the severity of the situation and the disruption of the coronavirus , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ league over from scratch next year just to be fair .

OnionNews on Sports, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

BALTIMORE—Insisting that this was an abundance of caution around the coronavirus and absolutely nothing else, the players and staff of the Baltimore Orioles suggested to the MLB Friday that they should consider just canceling the entire season to be safe. “We just think that given the risk there is really no reason why we should have to go out there and play 182 games this year—we just care about people’s safety is all,” said pitcher Alex Cobb, who assured reporters that the team’s lack of desire to play through the 2020 season was purely altruistic in every way. “Why play against the Yankees and the Red Sox game after game with this horrible infectious disease out there. It might seem safe to just take a month off, but it could come roaring back in the middle of July when we are already 40 games under .500, not that that matters at all. We’re just thinking about the fans and their health, nothing else.” Cobb added that given the severity of the situation and the disruption of the coronavirus, the MLB might consider just starting the entire league over from scratch next year just to be fair.


theonion--2020-03-16--Biden Pledges To Select Woman As Vice President Since Position Doesn’t Entail Much Anyway

WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic Party ’ s candidate for president , Joe Biden reportedly pledged Sunday to select a woman as vice president since the position doesn ’ t entail much anyway .
“ I promise that my vice president will be a woman , since pretty much anyone can do this job , so I figure , hey , might as well pick a lady , ” said Biden , adding that he knew from experience in his eight years as U.S. vice president that the position was essentially ceremonial and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had no reservations about handing it to a woman .
“ You basically just sit on your can all day and maybe show up at a meeting every month or two , so if a woman wants to do that , be my guest .
I could see myself selecting [ Senator ] Amy Klobuchar , [ former Georgia State Rep. ] Stacey Abrams , or any one of the tens of millions of women perfectly capable of pulling off this no-show gig .
I don ’ t really care what her politics @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
This works out well , actually , since I can stick a lady in the VP spot and don ’ t have to put one in an important role on the cabinet.
” At press time , Biden was being praised by members of the media and his own party for his commitment to symbolic representation in an office that most people forget about half the time .

WASHINGTON—In a bid to secure support for his nomination as the Democratic Party’s candidate for president, Joe Biden reportedly pledged Sunday to select a woman as vice president since the position doesn’t entail much anyway. “I promise that my vice president will be a woman, since pretty much anyone can do this job, so I figure, hey, might as well pick a lady,” said Biden, adding that he knew from experience in his eight years as U.S. vice president that the position was essentially ceremonial and required no real work, so he had no reservations about handing it to a woman. “You basically just sit on your can all day and maybe show up at a meeting every month or two, so if a woman wants to do that, be my guest. I could see myself selecting [Senator] Amy Klobuchar, [former Georgia State Rep.] Stacey Abrams, or any one of the tens of millions of women perfectly capable of pulling off this no-show gig. I don’t really care what her politics are, and anyway it hardly matters. This works out well, actually, since I can stick a lady in the VP spot and don’t have to put one in an important role on the cabinet.” At press time, Biden was being praised by members of the media and his own party for his commitment to symbolic representation in an office that most people forget about half the time.