theonion--2020-02-03--Mike Shanahan Storms Onto Super Bowl Field To Berate Ref For Bullshit Call Against His Boy

MIAMI—Pushing through the sidelines and causing a play to be called dead as he got in the official ’ s face , former NFL coach Mike Shanahan stormed onto Hard Rock Stadium field Sunday evening to berate the referees for a “ bullshit ” call that went against his son , 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan .
“ You son of a bitch , you ’ ve had it out for Kyle this entire game , you must be fucking blind if you think that was a penalty , ” shouted Shanahan , shoving the referee as several players tried to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ calm down and come back to the stands .
“ You ’ re just jealous because he ’ s a star .
If you ’ ve got a problem with us , maybe you should be a real man and we can take this out back .
And you haven ’ t called a single fucking thing on that Mahomes kid either .
Did someone pay you off ?
Who the hell is your boss , because I ’ m gon na make sure you ’ re out on the street after this.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ being removed from the field and placed in the stadium ’ s holding cell after spitting in the referee ’ s face .

MIAMI—Pushing through the sidelines and causing a play to be called dead as he got in the official’s face, former NFL coach Mike Shanahan stormed onto Hard Rock Stadium field Sunday evening to berate the referees for a “bullshit” call that went against his son, 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan. “You son of a bitch, you’ve had it out for Kyle this entire game, you must be fucking blind if you think that was a penalty,” shouted Shanahan, shoving the referee as several players tried to intervene and his wife begged him to calm down and come back to the stands. “You’re just jealous because he’s a star. If you’ve got a problem with us, maybe you should be a real man and we can take this out back. And you haven’t called a single fucking thing on that Mahomes kid either. Did someone pay you off? Who the hell is your boss, because I’m gonna make sure you’re out on the street after this.” At press time, Shanahan was being removed from the field and placed in the stadium’s holding cell after spitting in the referee’s face.


theonion--2020-02-03--Adorable Super Bowl Encourages Fans To Adopt Abandoned, Stray Football Players

MIAMI—In an effort to get the word out that these were huggable guys in need of love and a good home , an adorable little Super Bowl was put on Sunday , encouraging fans to adopt previously abandoned and stray football players .
“ We just hope that by seeing all of our players out there , romping around and having fun , some kind souls will open their hearts and decide to bring Sherman or Kittle into their family , ” said local football shelter volunteer Sheri Adams , who revealed she had adopted two of her own wide @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bowl .
“ They are all so worthy of love .
Obviously , Garoppolo is adorable , but Bosa is tons of fun and has a great personality , and Mahomes has lots of energy and will run all over the place with you .
They are all so special , and we hope that by the end of the day every one of them will be on their way to their forever home.
” Adams did caution that Tyreek would be better suited for an older household as he ’ s not @ @ @ @

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

MIAMI—In an effort to get the word out that these were huggable guys in need of love and a good home, an adorable little Super Bowl was put on Sunday, encouraging fans to adopt previously abandoned and stray football players. “We just hope that by seeing all of our players out there, romping around and having fun, some kind souls will open their hearts and decide to bring Sherman or Kittle into their family,” said local football shelter volunteer Sheri Adams, who revealed she had adopted two of her own wide receivers after last year’s Super Bowl. “They are all so worthy of love. Obviously, Garoppolo is adorable, but Bosa is tons of fun and has a great personality, and Mahomes has lots of energy and will run all over the place with you. They are all so special, and we hope that by the end of the day every one of them will be on their way to their forever home.” Adams did caution that Tyreek would be better suited for an older household as he’s not good with kids.


theonion--2020-02-03--Bored 49ers Fan Already Watched J. Lo Perform At Start-Up’s Holiday Party

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “ watered-down ” version of her previous concert , 49ers fan Ilan Gaddis told reporters he was bored during Sunday ’ s halftime show since he already watched Jennifer Lopez perform at his start-up company ’ s holiday party .
“ This is alright , I guess , but it really doesn ’ t compare to that hour-long set I watched when she brought out Cardi B , ’ said software developer Gaddis , 38 , contrasting the pyrotechnics and multiple costume changes she brought to his holiday party with the “ kind of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ halftime show .
“ I guess this stadium is a more intimate venue than the one we rented out , but she ’ s the kind of artist you want to see on a big stage like the one at the Golden Gate Canyon State Park .
I ’ m sure she ’ s not getting paid as much , too , or else she would be trying a little harder and the staging would be more extravagant .
I get it , though .
When you ’ re a musician , sometimes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to make ends meet.
” At press time , Gaddis ’ s eyes glazed over when Shakira hit the stage just a week after he had watched her perform at his office ’ s cafeteria alongside Wyclef Jean .

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing disinterest in seeing a “watered-down” version of her previous concert, 49ers fan Ilan Gaddis told reporters he was bored during Sunday’s halftime show since he already watched Jennifer Lopez perform at his start-up company’s holiday party. “This is alright, I guess, but it really doesn’t compare to that hour-long set I watched when she brought out Cardi B,’ said software developer Gaddis, 38, contrasting the pyrotechnics and multiple costume changes she brought to his holiday party with the “kind of half-assed” effort she exhibited at the halftime show. “I guess this stadium is a more intimate venue than the one we rented out, but she’s the kind of artist you want to see on a big stage like the one at the Golden Gate Canyon State Park. I’m sure she’s not getting paid as much, too, or else she would be trying a little harder and the staging would be more extravagant. I get it, though. When you’re a musician, sometimes you do whatever gig you can just to make ends meet.” At press time, Gaddis’s eyes glazed over when Shakira hit the stage just a week after he had watched her perform at his office’s cafeteria alongside Wyclef Jean.


theonion--2020-02-03--Sammy Watkins Stops Running In Middle Of Route To Look Around, Soak In This Special Moment

MIAMI—Taking a deep breath while gazing at the massive cheering crowd , Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins reportedly stopped running in the middle of his route during Sunday ’ s Super Bowl so he could savor the special moment .
“ You work your whole life to get to this place , but you don ’ t always stop and appreciate it , ” said the six-year veteran , who cut his slant route short 4 yards from the line of scrimmage , closed his eyes , and just listened to the noise of the game in an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ You might only get a few fleeting moments like this .
It ’ s good to slow down and take stock instead of worrying about running some curl or blocking a pass rusher .
There are a lot of stressed-out players around me right now that I see could probably benefit from some mindful introspection , too.
” At press time , Watkins had left the field to go take a photo with the “ Super Bowl LIV ” banner in front of the stadium so he would have something to remember @ @ @

MIAMI—Taking a deep breath while gazing at the massive cheering crowd, Kansas City Chiefs wide receiver Sammy Watkins reportedly stopped running in the middle of his route during Sunday’s Super Bowl so he could savor the special moment. “You work your whole life to get to this place, but you don’t always stop and appreciate it,” said the six-year veteran, who cut his slant route short 4 yards from the line of scrimmage, closed his eyes, and just listened to the noise of the game in an attempt to savor his unique situation. “You might only get a few fleeting moments like this. It’s good to slow down and take stock instead of worrying about running some curl or blocking a pass rusher. There are a lot of stressed-out players around me right now that I see could probably benefit from some mindful introspection, too.” At press time, Watkins had left the field to go take a photo with the “Super Bowl LIV” banner in front of the stadium so he would have something to remember the day.


theonion--2020-02-02--Nick Bosa Frustrated Some Guy Always Standing In Way When He’s Trying To Rush Pocket

MIAMI—Throwing up his hands in frustration after yet another play where he failed to produce a sack , 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa expressed annoyance Sunday that every time he tried to rush the passer some guy ended up standing in his way .
“ What the hell ?
How am I supposed to get inside the pocket when there is some huge inconsiderate moron blocking my path ?
” said Bosa , who complained that no matter what direction he went or how nicely he asked , some “ giant doofus ” was always insistent on not getting out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m just trying to do my job here , and these guys decide they have to be difficult about it ?
I don ’ t stop you from doing your job .
They ’ re all really big , too ; I can barely see past them , let alone run .
I would assume it ’ s just an accident but it ’ s happened every play so far .
Goddamn idiots , just let me by , it ’ s not that hard.
” At press time , Bosa had gone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ second large man teamed up with the first one to obstruct his path to the quarterback .

MIAMI—Throwing up his hands in frustration after yet another play where he failed to produce a sack, 49ers defensive end Nick Bosa expressed annoyance Sunday that every time he tried to rush the passer some guy ended up standing in his way. “What the hell? How am I supposed to get inside the pocket when there is some huge inconsiderate moron blocking my path?” said Bosa, who complained that no matter what direction he went or how nicely he asked, some “giant doofus” was always insistent on not getting out of his way. “I’m just trying to do my job here, and these guys decide they have to be difficult about it? I don’t stop you from doing your job. They’re all really big, too; I can barely see past them, let alone run. I would assume it’s just an accident but it’s happened every play so far. Goddamn idiots, just let me by, it’s not that hard.” At press time, Bosa had gone to complain to the refs after a second large man teamed up with the first one to obstruct his path to the quarterback.


theonion--2020-02-02--‘I’m Just Here For The Commercials,’ Jokes Man At Super Bowl Party Too Embarrassed To Admit He Despe

‘I’m Just Here For The Commercials,’ Jokes Man At Super Bowl Party Too Embarrassed To Admit He Desperate For Any Human Company

MECHANICSBURG , PA—Grabbing a beer and telling other party-goers that football is not really his thing , local man Walt @ @ @ @ @ he was just here for the commercials instead of admitting that he had been desperate @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I ’ m not super into sports , so it ’ s really @ @ @ @ @ commercials for me , ” said Madison , who has been crippled by a sense @ @ @ @ @ his ex-girlfriend moved out of their apartment last year .
“ Personally , I ’ @ @ @ @ @ halftime show than anything that happens on the field [ and actually spending more than @ @ @ @ @ breathing human being ] .
This is really just an excuse for me to make @ @ @ @ @ and have a few laughs.
” At press time , party sources confirmed they were @ @ @ @ @ would just leave after he referred to the game-winning touchdown as “ a goal ball @ @

MECHANICSBURG, PA—Grabbing a beer and telling other party-goers that football is not really his thing, local man Walt Madison told partygoers Sunday that he was just here for the commercials instead of admitting that he had been desperate for any human company whatsoever. “I’m not super into sports, so it’s really more about the food and commercials for me,” said Madison, who has been crippled by a sense of endless loneliness ever since his ex-girlfriend moved out of their apartment last year. “Personally, I’m more excited about the halftime show than anything that happens on the field [and actually spending more than five minutes with a living breathing human being]. This is really just an excuse for me to make my famous buffalo artichoke dip and have a few laughs.” At press time, party sources confirmed they were all wishing that asshole Madison would just leave after he referred to the game-winning touchdown as “a goal ball.”


theonion--2020-02-02--Increased Security Requirements For Super Bowl Mandate All Fan Clothes Be Made From Transparent Plas

Increased Security Requirements For Super Bowl Mandate All Fan Clothes Be Made From Transparent Plastic

MIAMI—Calling the rule the most effective way to increase the speed and accuracy of security , the NFL implemented increased @ @ @ @ @ all attendees of Super Bowl LIV wear clothes made from transparent plastic .
“ As @ @ @ @ @ one will be admitted to the Hard Rock Stadium unless we are able to see @ @ @ @ @ transparent shirt , pants , socks , and shoes , ” said NFL spokesperson Jason @ @ @ @ @ garments had to be made from 100 % clear plastic , and show all sensitive @ @ @ @ @ stored , including chest , groin , and buttocks areas .
“ Given the high @ @ @ @ @ we ask everybody to review the requirements on the NFL website , including those for @ @ @ @ @ if you do not comply , you will be asked to either check your clothes @ @ @ @ @ or leave immediately.
” At press time , the NFL announced its online shop had @ @ @ @ @ newest line of $ 200 transparent Super Bowl LIV jerseys .

MIAMI—Calling the rule the most effective way to increase the speed and accuracy of security, the NFL implemented increased safety requirements Sunday that mandated all attendees of Super Bowl LIV wear clothes made from transparent plastic. “As a security precaution, no one will be admitted to the Hard Rock Stadium unless we are able to see their entire body beneath a transparent shirt, pants, socks, and shoes,” said NFL spokesperson Jason Hardigan, adding that all garments had to be made from 100% clear plastic, and show all sensitive areas where weapons could be stored, including chest, groin, and buttocks areas. “Given the high traffic of this event, we ask everybody to review the requirements on the NFL website, including those for mothers and children. And if you do not comply, you will be asked to either check your clothes in a specially monitored closet or leave immediately.” At press time, the NFL announced its online shop had already sold out of its newest line of $200 transparent Super Bowl LIV jerseys.


theonion--2020-02-01--House Votes To Repeal 2002 Military Authorization

In an attempt to curtail the White House ’ s authority in matters of war , the House of Representatives @ @ @ @ @ war authorization used by George W. Bush and subsequent administrations as justification for military strikes @ @ @ @ @ require congressional approval before any action against Iran .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ considering we finished disposing of Iraq ’ s WMDs years ago.
” “ I support @ @ @ @ @ in order to prevent invading Iraq in 2003.
” “ Oh , come on !
@ @ @ @ @ fun .
”

In an attempt to curtail the White House’s authority in matters of war, the House of Representatives voted to repeal the 2002 war authorization used by George W. Bush and subsequent administrations as justification for military strikes in a move that would require congressional approval before any action against Iran. What do you think?
“This is long overdue, considering we finished disposing of Iraq’s WMDs years ago.” Harry Clifford • Cheese Processor
“I support taking any and all actions in order to prevent invading Iraq in 2003.” Mario Whitfield • Joist Inspector
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theonion--2020-01-31--Walmart Prevents Gun Violence At Walmart

Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists , Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers @ @ @ @ @ at one of the retailer ’ s competitors .
The Topical is presented by Cash @ @ @ @ @ finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or @ @ @ @ @ the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash @ @ @ @ @ to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The @ @ @ @ @ Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Under mounting pressure from anti-gun activists, Walmart has announced that all locations will be restricting firearm purchases to customers who promise to use them at one of the retailer’s competitors.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-01-31--WHO Declares Coronavirus A Global Health Emergency

With a death toll climbing to 180 in China and reported cases in dozens of other nations , World Health @ @ @ @ @ a global health emergency in the hope of raising awareness about combating the rapidly-spreading epidemic @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ A few weeks ago , it was just a provincial zoonosis with a @ @ @ @ @ at it.
” “ Don ’ t they understand that by living in fear of @ @ @ @ @ re giving it the power ?
” “ Is this the kind of emergency that @ @ @ @ @ or just millions of other people ?
”

With a death toll climbing to 180 in China and reported cases in dozens of other nations, World Health Organization officials declared the coronavirus a global health emergency in the hope of raising awareness about combating the rapidly-spreading epidemic. What do you think?
“A few weeks ago, it was just a provincial zoonosis with a dream, and now look at it.” Allen Brock • Inspiration Mitigator
“Don’t they understand that by living in fear of the virus, we’re giving it the power?” Theo Berg • Produce Weigher
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theonion--2020-01-31--Report: Fighting Rising Tide Of Authoritarianism Sounds Like A Lot Of Work

WASHINGTON—Confirming the challenges associated with preserving liberal democracy , the nation ’ s top political scientists issued a report Friday that found fighting against the rising tide of authoritarianism sounds like a ton of work .
“ After extensive analysis , we can state with a high degree of certainty that meaningfully resisting the erosion of equality and personal freedoms would probably be super exhausting , ” said lead researcher Jeremy Dwyer , warning that stemming the flow of autocratic rule would require a sustained campaign of political pressure over a long period of time that would likely make Americans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Whether it ’ s attending protests , campaigning for progressive candidates , or even committing to ethical purchasing habits , our data show that engaging at this level would be a whole thing that could eat up a bunch of time .
The majority of American citizens are very sleepy and want to get back to their beds as soon as possible .
Plus , this all sounds kind of like a big pain in the ass.
” Dwyer added that the report concluded it would be so much easier to simply march @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

WASHINGTON—Confirming the challenges associated with preserving liberal democracy, the nation’s top political scientists issued a report Friday that found fighting against the rising tide of authoritarianism sounds like a ton of work. “After extensive analysis, we can state with a high degree of certainty that meaningfully resisting the erosion of equality and personal freedoms would probably be super exhausting,” said lead researcher Jeremy Dwyer, warning that stemming the flow of autocratic rule would require a sustained campaign of political pressure over a long period of time that would likely make Americans tired just to think about. “Whether it’s attending protests, campaigning for progressive candidates, or even committing to ethical purchasing habits, our data show that engaging at this level would be a whole thing that could eat up a bunch of time. The majority of American citizens are very sleepy and want to get back to their beds as soon as possible. Plus, this all sounds kind of like a big pain in the ass.” Dwyer added that the report concluded it would be so much easier to simply march in unthinking lockstep to an all-powerful ruler.


theonion--2020-01-31--Frito-Lay Pledges Party-Size Bag Of Plain Potato Chips To Help Combat World Hunger

PLANO , TX—Citing an ongoing commitment to its community and the world at large , international snack food giant Frito-Lay held a major press conference Friday to announce plans to donate a party-size bag of regular , unflavored potato chips to the fight against global hunger .
“ As responsible corporate citizens , we believe it is our duty to take direct action and contribute one 15.25-ounce bag of Lay ’ s Classic potato chips to the world ’ s food-insecure population , ” said company spokesperson Mark Walters , unveiling a 10-year plan to distribute the single bag of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world where it is most needed .
“ With this donation , we are pledging approximately 225 potato chips that , when taken together , will provide a grand total of nearly 2,500 calories to malnourished and snack-deprived men , women , and children across the globe .
What ’ s more , countries willing to appropriate matching government funds for this new program will be eligible to receive up to 2 tablespoons each from a container of Frito-Lay Bean Dip , while supplies last.
” Walters went on to state that by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ its philanthropy into barbecue or even sour cream and onion flavors .

PLANO, TX—Citing an ongoing commitment to its community and the world at large, international snack food giant Frito-Lay held a major press conference Friday to announce plans to donate a party-size bag of regular, unflavored potato chips to the fight against global hunger. “As responsible corporate citizens, we believe it is our duty to take direct action and contribute one 15.25-ounce bag of Lay’s Classic potato chips to the world’s food-insecure population,” said company spokesperson Mark Walters, unveiling a 10-year plan to distribute the single bag of chips to those famine-stricken regions of the world where it is most needed. “With this donation, we are pledging approximately 225 potato chips that, when taken together, will provide a grand total of nearly 2,500 calories to malnourished and snack-deprived men, women, and children across the globe. What’s more, countries willing to appropriate matching government funds for this new program will be eligible to receive up to 2 tablespoons each from a container of Frito-Lay Bean Dip, while supplies last.” Walters went on to state that by 2035, the company hopes to expand its philanthropy into barbecue or even sour cream and onion flavors.


theonion--2020-01-31--Poll Finds 75% Of Voters Want Impeachment Witnesses

A Quinnipiac University poll found three-quarters of registered voters think witnesses should be allowed in the Senate impeachment trial , @ @ @ @ @ Republicans , Democrats , and independents oppose Mitch McConnell ’ s avoidance of such a @ @ @ @ @ in which individuals they would call to testify .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ that the Senate is only required to represent 25 % of people.
” “ They @ @ @ @ @ who works at the 7-Eleven as a witness .
He did a great job at @ @ @ @

A Quinnipiac University poll found three-quarters of registered voters think witnesses should be allowed in the Senate impeachment trial, a finding that suggests both Republicans, Democrats, and independents oppose Mitch McConnell’s avoidance of such a motion, although respondents differed in which individuals they would call to testify. What do you think?
“What a sham. Polling the American public is a textbook witch hunt tactic.” Hannah Wade • Infant Counselor
“It’s too bad that the Senate is only required to represent 25% of people.” Ezekiel Davie • Medical Journalist
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theonion--2020-02-03--A New Democratic Frontrunner Emerges In Iowa

His name : Galon the Grotesque .
Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize @ @ @ @ @ and win back the White House ?
The Topical is presented by Cash App , @ @ @ @ @ in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play @ @ @ @ @ code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will @ @ @ @ @ , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

His name: Galon the Grotesque. Does this 40-foot goblin from the sewer have what it takes to energize the party’s base and win back the White House?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-03--DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders

WASHINGTON—As the beginning of primary season upped the stakes in their search for an alternative candidate , Democratic National Committee officials reportedly mulled Monday asking Donald Trump to run for president as a Democrat in an effort to stop Bernie Sanders .
“ He ’ s obviously not our first choice , but Trump has a track record of winning elections , not to mention he does well with the conservative voters we ’ ll need to swing some red states blue—if that ’ s who we need to ask to ensure Bernie doesn ’ t win , we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chairman Tom Perez , who had circled Trump ’ s name on a white board lising dozens of potential candidates the party could try to convince to jump into the Democratic Party primaries in order to obstruct a Sanders nomination .
“ This late in the game , we need somebody with name recognition and a built-in following , which Trump definitely has .
He has political experience working with Republicans , which will help him win over moderate voters who are turned off by the idea of a socialist president .
Plus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the Democratic donor base , who generally prefer him to Sanders .
Look , sometimes politics makes strange bedfellows , but I think I speak for party leadership when I say that we ’ d much rather see Donald Trump than Bernie Sanders as the Democratic nominee.
” At press time , Perez was in negotiations to ensure Trump was on every Democratic primary ballot for Super Tuesday and changing the requirements to allow Trump to qualify for the next Democratic debate .

WASHINGTON—As the beginning of primary season upped the stakes in their search for an alternative candidate, Democratic National Committee officials reportedly mulled Monday asking Donald Trump to run for president as a Democrat in an effort to stop Bernie Sanders. “He’s obviously not our first choice, but Trump has a track record of winning elections, not to mention he does well with the conservative voters we’ll need to swing some red states blue—if that’s who we need to ask to ensure Bernie doesn’t win, we’ll do it,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, who had circled Trump’s name on a white board lising dozens of potential candidates the party could try to convince to jump into the Democratic Party primaries in order to obstruct a Sanders nomination. “This late in the game, we need somebody with name recognition and a built-in following, which Trump definitely has. He has political experience working with Republicans, which will help him win over moderate voters who are turned off by the idea of a socialist president. Plus, he’ll have the backing of the Democratic donor base, who generally prefer him to Sanders. Look, sometimes politics makes strange bedfellows, but I think I speak for party leadership when I say that we’d much rather see Donald Trump than Bernie Sanders as the Democratic nominee.” At press time, Perez was in negotiations to ensure Trump was on every Democratic primary ballot for Super Tuesday and changing the requirements to allow Trump to qualify for the next Democratic debate.


theonion--2020-02-03--Chiefs Win Super Bowl

Chiefs Win Super Bowl

With the Lombardi Trophy on the line at Hard Rock Stadium , millions across the world gathered to watch the @ @ @ @ @ Bowl LIV while enjoying snacks , commercials , and the company of friends .
What @ @ @ @ @ Just goes to show you what you can achieve if you score more points than @ @ @ @ @ I think we all know who the real winners were : the Chiefs .
”

With the Lombardi Trophy on the line at Hard Rock Stadium, millions across the world gathered to watch the Chiefs claim victory at Super Bowl LIV while enjoying snacks, commercials, and the company of friends. What do you think?
“Just goes to show you what you can achieve if you score more points than the other team.” Max McCullough • Systems Analyst
“It was an insane fourth quarter! I ate so much!” Charley Mcclure • Motivational Speaker
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theonion--2020-02-03--Move Over, Alan Moore: This Gaming Webcomic Is Now A Webcomic About Gaming And Fatherhood

When you think of the masters of graphic novels , one name reigns supreme : Alan Moore .
The godfather of cerebral comic books rose to critical prominence with his brain-melting take on Swamp Thing in the eighties before changing the landscape of graphic storytelling forever with Watchmen , V For Vendetta , and From Hell .
But today , we ’ re excited to say that the king of comics has been dethroned , and it ’ s all because of a recent change to an online comic series known as 2-Bit .
Yep , it ’ s time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Moore , because this gaming webcomic is now a webcomic about both gaming and—get this—fatherhood .
“ When we started the strip back in 1998 , [ roommate ] Brian [ Douglas ] and I were just screwing around with jokes about Counter-Strike dial-up lag and how bad Daikatana was , but now that I ’ m a father , I ’ ve kind of tried to inject a little more heart into things , ” said 2-Bit creator and the new reigning champion of comic narratives Patrick “ Buckshot ” Messner in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that led to him to combine such seemingly disparate topics as parenting and video game culture .
“ Basically , I ’ m trying to show the experience of being both a gaming aficionado and new dad , which I haven ’ t really seen done out there before .
So far , though , I think readers are on board.
” “ It ’ s been really interesting striking a balance between the sincerity of parenthood and the difficult moments of being a gaming dad like tiptoeing downstairs to sneak in 20 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ goes to sleep , ” he added , effectively obliterating all memory of Alan Moore ’ s impact on the creative world .
Well , if you just blacked out with excitement for a second and forgot that Batman : The Killing Joke ever even happened , you ’ re not alone .
Sure , League of Extraordinary Gentlemen ’ s use of supernatural pastiche and dense literary allusions used to seem like a crucial contribution to the comics medium , but that was before Messner had put pen to paper and drew @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his son growing up to play his first match of Overwatch or telling a classmate that Super Smash Bros. Melee is the only definitive installment in the series .
And if that ’ s not enough proof of Messner ’ s artistic brilliance , it turns out that he also somehow managed to smoothly integrate his wife , Liz , into the strip as a blue-haired , hoodie-wearing character , so readers are able to watch their entire family grow older , all the while seemingly enjoying the same sardonic comments on multiplayer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ loot boxes .
When reading series like Promethea and Neonomicon after seeing what Messner is capable of with 2-Bit , you can ’ t help but feel that Alan Moore ’ s once-revolutionary ideas about the comic books medium now look a bit , ahem , juvenile by comparison .
“ Look , eventually I realized that as central as video game culture will always be to my webcomic , I was also maturing , and I wanted my work to mature with it , ” Messner continued .
“ There ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a gamer dad , still .
I mean , it ’ s not like it ’ s all going to be serious from here on out.
” “ It ’ s just a nice change of pace , ” added the comics luminary , as he dropped the match on all that remained of Alan Moore ’ s now-meaningless legacy , alongside everything and anything made by fellow hasbeens in the artform such as Neil Gaiman and Grant Morrison .
Welp , we ’ re guessing most comic book fans will be selling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s graphic novels tonight—that is , if anyone is still buying these dusty heaps of trash .
That ’ s all because of our new comics overlord Patrick Messner , the man who will forever be known for melding fathering and the video game world into one unforgettable and virtuoso webcomic !

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

When you think of the masters of graphic novels, one name reigns supreme: Alan Moore. The godfather of cerebral comic books rose to critical prominence with his brain-melting take on Swamp Thing in the eighties before changing the landscape of graphic storytelling forever with Watchmen, V For Vendetta, and From Hell. But today, we’re excited to say that the king of comics has been dethroned, and it’s all because of a recent change to an online comic series known as 2-Bit.
Yep, it’s time to hand over the crown, Alan Moore, because this gaming webcomic is now a webcomic about both gaming and—get this—fatherhood.
“When we started the strip back in 1998, [roommate] Brian [Douglas] and I were just screwing around with jokes about Counter-Strike dial-up lag and how bad Daikatana was, but now that I’m a father, I’ve kind of tried to inject a little more heart into things,” said 2-Bit creator and the new reigning champion of comic narratives Patrick “Buckshot” Messner in an interview about the stroke of genius that led to him to combine such seemingly disparate topics as parenting and video game culture. “Basically, I’m trying to show the experience of being both a gaming aficionado and new dad, which I haven’t really seen done out there before. So far, though, I think readers are on board.”
“It’s been really interesting striking a balance between the sincerity of parenthood and the difficult moments of being a gaming dad like tiptoeing downstairs to sneak in 20 minutes of Titanfall 2 after my son goes to sleep,” he added, effectively obliterating all memory of Alan Moore’s impact on the creative world.
Well, if you just blacked out with excitement for a second and forgot that Batman: The Killing Joke ever even happened, you’re not alone. Sure, League of Extraordinary Gentlemen’s use of supernatural pastiche and dense literary allusions used to seem like a crucial contribution to the comics medium, but that was before Messner had put pen to paper and drew cartoons of himself tearing up while imagining his son growing up to play his first match of Overwatch or telling a classmate that Super Smash Bros. Melee is the only definitive installment in the series.
And if that’s not enough proof of Messner’s artistic brilliance, it turns out that he also somehow managed to smoothly integrate his wife, Liz, into the strip as a blue-haired, hoodie-wearing character, so readers are able to watch their entire family grow older, all the while seemingly enjoying the same sardonic comments on multiplayer RTS trolls and the annoyances of paid loot boxes.
When reading series like Promethea and Neonomicon after seeing what Messner is capable of with 2-Bit, you can’t help but feel that Alan Moore’s once-revolutionary ideas about the comic books medium now look a bit, ahem, juvenile by comparison.
“Look, eventually I realized that as central as video game culture will always be to my webcomic, I was also maturing, and I wanted my work to mature with it,” Messner continued. “There’s a lot of funny stuff about being a gamer dad, still. I mean, it’s not like it’s all going to be serious from here on out.”
“It’s just a nice change of pace,” added the comics luminary, as he dropped the match on all that remained of Alan Moore’s now-meaningless legacy, alongside everything and anything made by fellow hasbeens in the artform such as Neil Gaiman and Grant Morrison.
Welp, we’re guessing most comic book fans will be selling off their entire library of Alan Moore’s graphic novels tonight—that is, if anyone is still buying these dusty heaps of trash. That’s all because of our new comics overlord Patrick Messner, the man who will forever be known for melding fathering and the video game world into one unforgettable and virtuoso webcomic!


theonion--2020-02-03--Man Wastes Entire Life Chasing Unrealistic Pipe Dream Of Being Loved And Respected

AURORA , IL—Lamenting at how naive he was to believe such a thing was actually possible , 73-year-old Illinois resident Johnny Krissel told reporters Monday that he regretted wasting his entire life chasing an unrealistic pipe dream of being loved and respected .
“ Ever since I was a little boy , I ’ ve had this crazy , pie-in-the-sky idea that I could one day be valued and admired by those around me , but now look at me , ” said a downtrodden Krissel , who after a long sigh , added that pursuing happiness and self-worth ended @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fantasy .
“ Sure , it was insane , but I thought if I worked hard and dedicated myself , I could make myself someone that people actually enjoyed being around .
But I guess my friends and family were right .
I should have just stuck to being a reviled piece of shit in my hometown like everyone else instead of pissing away my twenties and thirties .
Why did I even try ?
” At press time , a dejected Krissel told reporters he hoped his story could one day serve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hoping to lead a meaningful life full of emotional satisfaction .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

AURORA, IL—Lamenting at how naive he was to believe such a thing was actually possible, 73-year-old Illinois resident Johnny Krissel told reporters Monday that he regretted wasting his entire life chasing an unrealistic pipe dream of being loved and respected. “Ever since I was a little boy, I’ve had this crazy, pie-in-the-sky idea that I could one day be valued and admired by those around me, but now look at me,” said a downtrodden Krissel, who after a long sigh, added that pursuing happiness and self-worth ended up being nothing more than a crazy fantasy. “Sure, it was insane, but I thought if I worked hard and dedicated myself, I could make myself someone that people actually enjoyed being around. But I guess my friends and family were right. I should have just stuck to being a reviled piece of shit in my hometown like everyone else instead of pissing away my twenties and thirties. Why did I even try?” At press time, a dejected Krissel told reporters he hoped his story could one day serve as a cautionary tale to young people hoping to lead a meaningful life full of emotional satisfaction.


theonion--2020-02-03--Queen Reminds Worker Bees They Still Represent Colony Even When Away From Hive

ALBUQUERQUE , NM—In an effort to ensure they maintained a degree of professionalism and decorum during their travels , a queen bee sternly reminded her workers Monday that they still represented the colony even when they were away from the hive .
“ I want you to have a good time out there collecting pollen , but keep in mind that you are all acting as ambassadors for our nest , so make sure you ’ re on your best behavior , ” said the queen bee , urging the assembled swarm to bring the same common sense and good @ @ @ @ @ @ @ honeycombs to any fruit or flower they encountered during their trip .
“ Remember , when you ’ ve been out there downing nectar all morning and you decide it might be funny to crawl along someone ’ s Coke can or sting a kid in the face , it doesn ’ t just reflect poorly on you , it reflects on the hive as a whole and on my ability as a sexually mature female bee .
So , don ’ t do anything to embarrass me—I ’ m looking at you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that while she didn ’ t want to scare them , a lifestyle of engaging in immoral and unbecoming behavior could lead to colony collapse disorder .

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—In an effort to ensure they maintained a degree of professionalism and decorum during their travels, a queen bee sternly reminded her workers Monday that they still represented the colony even when they were away from the hive. “I want you to have a good time out there collecting pollen, but keep in mind that you are all acting as ambassadors for our nest, so make sure you’re on your best behavior,” said the queen bee, urging the assembled swarm to bring the same common sense and good judgment they’d use amongst the honeycombs to any fruit or flower they encountered during their trip. “Remember, when you’ve been out there downing nectar all morning and you decide it might be funny to crawl along someone’s Coke can or sting a kid in the face, it doesn’t just reflect poorly on you, it reflects on the hive as a whole and on my ability as a sexually mature female bee. So, don’t do anything to embarrass me—I’m looking at you particularly, HBW/B433-481-K7.” The queen added that while she didn’t want to scare them, a lifestyle of engaging in immoral and unbecoming behavior could lead to colony collapse disorder.


theonion--2020-02-03--Frustrated Tenant Only 5 Or 6 Days Away From Sending Gently Worded Email To Landlord

CHICAGO—Irritated over a cascading series of issues with his living space , tenant Lucas Brown told reporters Monday that he was only five or six days away from sending a gently worded email to his landlord .
“ There ’ s only so much one person can take , and if I have to deal with a leaking ceiling and a busted toilet for just another half a week or so , I ’ ll be forced to contact the building owner and ask if it might be possible for him to come fix it at his earliest convenience , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had become so fed up at this point that he would only wait until early next week at the latest to write him asking if there was anything he could do to help expedite the process and thank the landlord in advance for reading his email .
“ I consider myself a pretty patient person , but now that the tub doesn ’ t drain , the fridge is broken , and there ’ s no hot water , I simply can ’ t wait too , too much longer before politely requesting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Brown had decided to postpone his plan after hearing his landlord scream at another tenant who had asked to have his radiator fixed .

CHICAGO—Irritated over a cascading series of issues with his living space, tenant Lucas Brown told reporters Monday that he was only five or six days away from sending a gently worded email to his landlord. “There’s only so much one person can take, and if I have to deal with a leaking ceiling and a busted toilet for just another half a week or so, I’ll be forced to contact the building owner and ask if it might be possible for him to come fix it at his earliest convenience,” said Brown, warning that he had become so fed up at this point that he would only wait until early next week at the latest to write him asking if there was anything he could do to help expedite the process and thank the landlord in advance for reading his email. “I consider myself a pretty patient person, but now that the tub doesn’t drain, the fridge is broken, and there’s no hot water, I simply can’t wait too, too much longer before politely requesting some assistance.” At press time, Brown had decided to postpone his plan after hearing his landlord scream at another tenant who had asked to have his radiator fixed.


theonion--2020-02-04--The EPA Takes A Stand

The EPA Takes A Stand

EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by @ @ @ @ @ of a truck .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 @ @ @ @ @ store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use @ @ @ @ @ !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 @ @ @ @ @ dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

EPA administrator Andrew Wheeler claims carbon emissions are not as dangerous as once thought and attempts to prove so by inhaling directly from the tailpipe of a truck.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-04--DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results

WASHINGTON—Hoping the yellow , graphite-based writing instrument would allay voter doubts following the chaos of the Iowa caucuses , the Democratic National Committee reportedly offered a technology startup $ 500 million Tuesday to develop a pencil that can accurately record election results .
“ As of this morning , we have commissioned the design and manufacture of a cutting-edge tabulation device that will be able to legibly report vote totals on a sheet of paper 99 % of the time , ” said DNC chair Tom Perez , holding up a rough prototype of the 7.5-inch hexagonal marking implement , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by a new Silicon Valley business venture known as Sharpen .
“ It may not be easy to encase a cylinder of graphite with wood or put a slick coat of glossy paint on its outside .
But with this new partnership , we believe we will soon have at our disposal a pencil that is both reliable and totally resistant to any attack by foreign powers .
Also , because it can be sharpened , this new delegate-reporting tool can be used repeatedly , lasting us through New Hampshire , Nevada , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Tuesday.
” At press time , sources confirmed plans for the pencil had been scrapped after election security experts warned the rubber eraser on its tip would quickly erode public trust in the product .

WASHINGTON—Hoping the yellow, graphite-based writing instrument would allay voter doubts following the chaos of the Iowa caucuses, the Democratic National Committee reportedly offered a technology startup $500 million Tuesday to develop a pencil that can accurately record election results. “As of this morning, we have commissioned the design and manufacture of a cutting-edge tabulation device that will be able to legibly report vote totals on a sheet of paper 99% of the time,” said DNC chair Tom Perez, holding up a rough prototype of the 7.5-inch hexagonal marking implement, which will be built and rigorously stress-tested by a new Silicon Valley business venture known as Sharpen. “It may not be easy to encase a cylinder of graphite with wood or put a slick coat of glossy paint on its outside. But with this new partnership, we believe we will soon have at our disposal a pencil that is both reliable and totally resistant to any attack by foreign powers. Also, because it can be sharpened, this new delegate-reporting tool can be used repeatedly, lasting us through New Hampshire, Nevada, South Carolina, and perhaps even Super Tuesday.” At press time, sources confirmed plans for the pencil had been scrapped after election security experts warned the rubber eraser on its tip would quickly erode public trust in the product.


theonion--2020-02-04--Disney Buys ‘Hamilton’ Film Rights For $75 Million

Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 @ @ @ @ @ Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $ 75 million .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ lawyers and agents who make magic like this possible.
” “ It must feel great @ @ @ @ @ off that thing.
” “ I don ’ t see how a Hamilton film can @ @ @ @ @ paying $ 300 for a ticket .
”

Lin-Manuel Miranda revealed the movie adaptation of his groundbreaking Broadway show Hamilton will be released by Disney in fall 2021 after the Tony Award- and Pulitzer Prize-winning play was acquired for $75 million. What do you think?
“Special shout-out to the lawyers and agents who make magic like this possible.” Renee Barclay • Television Mounter
“It must feel great to finally make some money off that thing.” Ewen Vinson • Statistics Compiler
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theonion--2020-02-04--DNC Blames Iowa Caucus Problems On Single Fuck-Up Senior Citizen Volunteer

WASHINGTON—Claiming the 89-year-old woman ’ s numerous blunders had caused the delay to the state ’ s results , Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez told reporters Tuesday that all problems with the Iowa Caucus could be blamed on a single fuck-up senior citizen volunteer .
“ What it comes down to is that this costly and embarrassing mistake can be traced to one elderly volunteer named Muriel Luntz , ” said Perez , adding that the party had hesitated on whether to release details about the Dubuque-based widow and five-time election volunteer , but ultimately decided to do so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s empty-headed missteps in singlehandedly derailing the first-in-the-nation caucus .
“ Obviously , I don ’ t want to speculate , but I don ’ t think this woman is all there upstairs anymore .
That ’ s the only way I could imagine someone bungling our exceptional election security measures .
It ’ s a shame that just one numbskull could blemish the DNC ’ s sterling record .
So let me just say that I completely hear the outpouring of frustration from voters and want them to know that any of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her home address , which we ’ ll be releasing online soon.
” Perez also pledged that as an effort to tamp down on further mistakes , he would ensure that by the next election , the idiotic octagenarian would no longer be alive .

WASHINGTON—Claiming the 89-year-old woman’s numerous blunders had caused the delay to the state’s results, Democratic National Committee chair Tom Perez told reporters Tuesday that all problems with the Iowa Caucus could be blamed on a single fuck-up senior citizen volunteer. “What it comes down to is that this costly and embarrassing mistake can be traced to one elderly volunteer named Muriel Luntz,” said Perez, adding that the party had hesitated on whether to release details about the Dubuque-based widow and five-time election volunteer, but ultimately decided to do so based on the gravity of Luntz’s empty-headed missteps in singlehandedly derailing the first-in-the-nation caucus. “Obviously, I don’t want to speculate, but I don’t think this woman is all there upstairs anymore. That’s the only way I could imagine someone bungling our exceptional election security measures. It’s a shame that just one numbskull could blemish the DNC’s sterling record. So let me just say that I completely hear the outpouring of frustration from voters and want them to know that any of their outrage should be sent directly to her home address, which we’ll be releasing online soon.” Perez also pledged that as an effort to tamp down on further mistakes, he would ensure that by the next election, the idiotic octagenarian would no longer be alive.


theonion--2020-02-04--Report: Majority Of Americans Would Jump At Chance To Rip Off Shirt And Use It As Tourniquet

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the American Red Cross , approximately 90 % of Americans would eagerly seize an opportunity to stanch the flow of blood from an injured person ’ s limb by tearing off their own shirt and using it as a makeshift tourniquet .
“ Our findings demonstrate that , upon spotting a profusely bleeding victim , nine out of 10 Americans wouldn ’ t think twice about removing their T-shirt—or , alternatively , ripping the arm off their dress shirt—tying it into a loop , and tightening it above the wound using a stick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” said the report ’ s author Deanna Fulmer , adding that most of the population would not hesitate to use their teeth to tear off the needed length of fabric while telling the victim to “ Hang in there , buddy.
” “ Whether they saw themselves doing it for a critically injured hiker they had found on a remote mountain trail , an unconscious friend they had just pulled out of a car accident , or to prevent themselves from going into shock because of a deep gash in their arm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ absolutely ’ improvise a blood-vessel compression device out of their own clothes should they find themselves in a situation that demanded it.
” The report comes on the heels of a study last year that found the vast majority of Americans are primed and ready at all times to yank an elderly person out of the way of an oncoming bus .

WASHINGTON—According to a report released Tuesday by the American Red Cross, approximately 90% of Americans would eagerly seize an opportunity to stanch the flow of blood from an injured person’s limb by tearing off their own shirt and using it as a makeshift tourniquet. “Our findings demonstrate that, upon spotting a profusely bleeding victim, nine out of 10 Americans wouldn’t think twice about removing their T-shirt—or, alternatively, ripping the arm off their dress shirt—tying it into a loop, and tightening it above the wound using a stick they found lying on the ground,” said the report’s author Deanna Fulmer, adding that most of the population would not hesitate to use their teeth to tear off the needed length of fabric while telling the victim to “Hang in there, buddy.” “Whether they saw themselves doing it for a critically injured hiker they had found on a remote mountain trail, an unconscious friend they had just pulled out of a car accident, or to prevent themselves from going into shock because of a deep gash in their arm, our subjects said they would ‘absolutely’ improvise a blood-vessel compression device out of their own clothes should they find themselves in a situation that demanded it.” The report comes on the heels of a study last year that found the vast majority of Americans are primed and ready at all times to yank an elderly person out of the way of an oncoming bus.


theonion--2020-02-04--Punxsutawney Phil Fails To See Shadow Symbolizing Early Spring

As part of the beloved yearly tradition celebrated since 1887 , residents of Punxsutawney , PA gathered on Groundhog ’ @ @ @ @ @ had not seen his own shadow after leaving his hole , predicting an early spring @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ We are truly nothing but the playthings of this capricious god.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ hole of his .
”

As part of the beloved yearly tradition celebrated since 1887, residents of Punxsutawney, PA gathered on Groundhog’s Day to discover Phil had not seen his own shadow after leaving his hole, predicting an early spring. What do you think?
“We are truly nothing but the playthings of this capricious god.” Keith Adkins • Pipe Fitter
“Can’t argue with science.” Willie Ahmed • Bailiff Scheduler
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theonion--2020-02-04--Director Sets Up Actor With Backstory About How Franchise Failing Horribly

LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series , director Marshall Callins reportedly provided actor Grant Simms with an elaborate backstory about how the first movie in the franchise was a complete financial and critical failure .
“ So in this next scene , your motivation is the fact that this franchise is poised to become one of the biggest commercial disasters in recent studio history unless we can recoup millions of dollars in losses , ” said Callins , encouraging Simms to delve more deeply into his knowledge of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the box office , poor overseas growth , and underwhelming reception by fans in order to fully internalize the sense that everything was riding on this .
“ Think back to that critical moment in time when the producers said , ‘ If this thing isn ’ t a hit , it ’ s going to destroy every single one of your careers.
’ How did that blunt ultimatum make you feel ?
Everything you say and do should be informed by the fact that if we bomb opening weekend , you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ major film.
” At press time , sources confirmed the director had provided additional guidance by hinting to the actor of a future in which he is forced to resort to commercial work .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

LOS ANGELES—While shooting the second installment in a planned three-part film adaptation of a popular book series, director Marshall Callins reportedly provided actor Grant Simms with an elaborate backstory about how the first movie in the franchise was a complete financial and critical failure. “So in this next scene, your motivation is the fact that this franchise is poised to become one of the biggest commercial disasters in recent studio history unless we can recoup millions of dollars in losses,” said Callins, encouraging Simms to delve more deeply into his knowledge of the first installment’s disastrous performance at the box office, poor overseas growth, and underwhelming reception by fans in order to fully internalize the sense that everything was riding on this. “Think back to that critical moment in time when the producers said, ‘If this thing isn’t a hit, it’s going to destroy every single one of your careers.’ How did that blunt ultimatum make you feel? Everything you say and do should be informed by the fact that if we bomb opening weekend, you’ll never be trusted to carry another major film.” At press time, sources confirmed the director had provided additional guidance by hinting to the actor of a future in which he is forced to resort to commercial work.


theonion--2020-02-04--Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 4, 2020

You ’ re in for a bit of an adjustment period this week , and for several weeks after that @ @ @ @ @ ll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren ’ @ @ @ @

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You’re in for a bit of an adjustment period this week, and for several weeks after that, following which you’ll be able to function just as well as a person whose legs aren’t on backward.


theonion--2020-03-30--Neanderthals Ate Seafood Including Sharks And Dolphins

New evidence suggests Neanderthals consumed a diverse diet that included sealife like seals , mussels , crabs , and fish @ @ @ @ @ eating protein-rich marine resources was unique to early humans and contributed to their increased brain @ @ @ @ @ think ?

New evidence suggests Neanderthals consumed a diverse diet that included sealife like seals, mussels, crabs, and fish, contradicting previous theories that eating protein-rich marine resources was unique to early humans and contributed to their increased brain development. What do you think?
“More evidence that Neanderthals lived underwater.” Solomon Kurtis • Agricultural Pedicurist
“That explains the lobster bibs in the cave paintings.” Phil Slatterly • Wool Degreaser
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theonion--2020-03-30--Instacart Employees Plan Nationwide Strike Monday

“ I want them to be safe , but not at the cost of me having to do my own @ @ @

“I want them to be safe, but not at the cost of me having to do my own shopping.”
Scott Armbruster • Wallet Designer


theonion--2020-03-30--New Report Finds Americans Willing To Trust Scientific Knowledge Of Anyone Holding Glass Beaker Up T

New Report Finds Americans Willing To Trust Scientific Knowledge Of Anyone Holding Glass Beaker Up To Light

WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center Monday revealed that Americans were much more willing to trust the scientific knowledge of anyone holding a glass beaker up to the light .
“ It doesn ’ t matter if it ’ s a graduated cylinder or Erlenmeyer flask , if it contains a bright , colorful liquid and a person is lifting it up to peer at the illuminated substance , we found that over 90 % of Americans were willing to trust their scientific authority , ” said head researcher Frank Chavez , adding that the study @ @ @ @ @ @ @ confidence in the “ science-looking person ’ s ” expertise if the individual was dressed in a white lab coat and muttered “ interesting , interesting ” while gazing at the beaker .
“ These results show that Americans are overwhelmingly turning for direction to any Tom , Dick , or Harry who , after looking at the beaker , runs across the lab , looks into a microscope and audibly gasps .
However , our data revealed a marked decrease in public trust if the beaker falls to the ground , explodes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ floor.
” The study also found that the vast majority of Americans believed that they would receive accurate information from a child in an oversized lab coat and goggles .

WASHINGTON—A new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center Monday revealed that Americans were much more willing to trust the scientific knowledge of anyone holding a glass beaker up to the light. “It doesn’t matter if it’s a graduated cylinder or Erlenmeyer flask, if it contains a bright, colorful liquid and a person is lifting it up to peer at the illuminated substance, we found that over 90% of Americans were willing to trust their scientific authority,” said head researcher Frank Chavez, adding that the study found that 100% of Americans expressed confidence in the “science-looking person’s” expertise if the individual was dressed in a white lab coat and muttered “interesting, interesting” while gazing at the beaker. “These results show that Americans are overwhelmingly turning for direction to any Tom, Dick, or Harry who, after looking at the beaker, runs across the lab, looks into a microscope and audibly gasps. However, our data revealed a marked decrease in public trust if the beaker falls to the ground, explodes, and burns a hole through the floor.” The study also found that the vast majority of Americans believed that they would receive accurate information from a child in an oversized lab coat and goggles.


theonion--2020-03-30--Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the mental projection represented the combined hopes and needs of a deeply unsettled populace , psychology experts announced Monday that the figure referred to by Americans as “ Dr .
Anthony Fauci ” was merely a figment of the nation ’ s collective imagination .
“ In trying times like these , it ’ s natural for the public to seek out a clear source of expertise and authority , and , in lacking that , to dream up an illusory figure like Dr. Fauci to help comfort them through this stressful period , ” said American Psychological @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that her organization first noted the physician ’ s chimerical nature when they observed subjects repeatedly pointing to a television screen displaying an empty podium in the White House briefing room and saying they were thankful Dr. Fauci was there to provide some much-needed context .
“ What ’ s incredible is how realistic some of these mass hallucinations are .
Millions of Americans speak to each other as if they once saw Dr. Fauci in a one-on-one interview on CNN , when in reality , what they saw was Jake Tapper talking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ minutes .
With that said , there ’ s nothing wrong with these delusions in particular .
It ’ s similar to how a child might construct an imaginary friend to get through difficulties in their life.
” Shullman went on to stress that this was not even the first incident of such a widespread mental chimera , noting that the purely fictional Special Counsel Robert Mueller also once dominated the country ’ s troubled consciousness .

WASHINGTON—Revealing that the mental projection represented the combined hopes and needs of a deeply unsettled populace, psychology experts announced Monday that the figure referred to by Americans as “Dr. Anthony Fauci” was merely a figment of the nation’s collective imagination. “In trying times like these, it’s natural for the public to seek out a clear source of expertise and authority, and, in lacking that, to dream up an illusory figure like Dr. Fauci to help comfort them through this stressful period,” said American Psychological Association President Sandra Shullman, telling reporters that her organization first noted the physician’s chimerical nature when they observed subjects repeatedly pointing to a television screen displaying an empty podium in the White House briefing room and saying they were thankful Dr. Fauci was there to provide some much-needed context. “What’s incredible is how realistic some of these mass hallucinations are. Millions of Americans speak to each other as if they once saw Dr. Fauci in a one-on-one interview on CNN, when in reality, what they saw was Jake Tapper talking to an empty chair for nearly six minutes. With that said, there’s nothing wrong with these delusions in particular. It’s similar to how a child might construct an imaginary friend to get through difficulties in their life.” Shullman went on to stress that this was not even the first incident of such a widespread mental chimera, noting that the purely fictional Special Counsel Robert Mueller also once dominated the country’s troubled consciousness.


theonion--2020-03-30--New Unhinged PETA Ad Warns That Once You Put Googly Eyes On A Banana, Eating It Is Murder

NORFOLK , VA—Panning over a disembodied hand as it applied Elmer ’ s glue to a blurry , yellow peel , an unhinged new PETA ad released Monday warned viewers that once you put googly eyes on a banana , eating it is murder .
“ You may think bananas are just some sweet , delicious snack , but what if your banana didn ’ t just have two plastic googly eyes—what if it had a soul ?
” read the subtitles of the deranged $ 500 million commercial , which then featured footage of a man placing googly eyes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ onto a banana , and then placing two tiny pipe cleaners into the sides of a banana to be its arms .
“ Just because it can ’ t scream doesn ’ t mean it can ’ t feel pain .
Did you know that in order to get the meat of the banana , they brutally peel off its skin ?
Now , imagine a fruit or vegetable put googly eyes on you and then ripped your face off .
Not so appetizing now , is it ?
This is unethical , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not above a banana.
” At press time , PETA had reportedly released an addendum to the commercial that specified that if you use blueberries to make a smiling face on a pancake , eating it was also murder .

NORFOLK, VA—Panning over a disembodied hand as it applied Elmer’s glue to a blurry, yellow peel, an unhinged new PETA ad released Monday warned viewers that once you put googly eyes on a banana, eating it is murder. “You may think bananas are just some sweet, delicious snack, but what if your banana didn’t just have two plastic googly eyes—what if it had a soul?” read the subtitles of the deranged $500 million commercial, which then featured footage of a man placing googly eyes onto a banana, drawing a mouth onto a banana, and then placing two tiny pipe cleaners into the sides of a banana to be its arms. “Just because it can’t scream doesn’t mean it can’t feel pain. Did you know that in order to get the meat of the banana, they brutally peel off its skin? Now, imagine a fruit or vegetable put googly eyes on you and then ripped your face off. Not so appetizing now, is it? This is unethical, dangerous, and harmful. You are not above a banana.” At press time, PETA had reportedly released an addendum to the commercial that specified that if you use blueberries to make a smiling face on a pancake, eating it was also murder.


theonion--2020-03-30--8 Photos Of You, The Reader

8 Photos Of You, The Reader

“ Oh , I ’ m just going to click through this slideshow like every other person because I do @ @ @ @ @ and I can ’ t think for myself .
Maybe I ’ ll follow all @ @ @ @ @ slaughterhouse ramp.
” You fucking idiot .

“Oh, I’m just going to click through this slideshow like every other person because I do whatever I’m told and I can’t think for myself. Maybe I’ll follow all the other cows up this slaughterhouse ramp.” You fucking idiot.


theonion--2020-03-30--Amazon Announces Unlimited Time Off, Increased Health Benefits For All Warehouse Robots

SEATTLE—Saying that the move represented the least the company could do to help its millions of automated workers , Amazon announced Monday that they would be offering unlimited time off and increased health benefits for all warehouse robots .
“ Today , we ’ re announcing vastly expanded health coverage , so that none of our fulfillment center robots ever has to worry about the cost of essential care like resoldering their circuit board or getting an axle replaced , ” said Amazon spokesperson Eileen Sanders , noting that the company-wide policy change would also allow any autonomous robots who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to take time off with no consequences .
“ These are extremely trying times , and we want all of Amazon ’ s autonomous machines to know that we care about them and their health and safety is of utmost importance .
So , if you ’ re an Amazon machine that needs to take the day off to simply destress and zoom around the block a few hundred times , I ’ m here to say that you should absolutely do so.
” At press time , Amazon announced that they could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simply putting 20 humans on a double shift .

SEATTLE—Saying that the move represented the least the company could do to help its millions of automated workers, Amazon announced Monday that they would be offering unlimited time off and increased health benefits for all warehouse robots. “Today, we’re announcing vastly expanded health coverage, so that none of our fulfillment center robots ever has to worry about the cost of essential care like resoldering their circuit board or getting an axle replaced,” said Amazon spokesperson Eileen Sanders, noting that the company-wide policy change would also allow any autonomous robots who felt overwhelmed or concerned for its safety to take time off with no consequences. “These are extremely trying times, and we want all of Amazon’s autonomous machines to know that we care about them and their health and safety is of utmost importance. So, if you’re an Amazon machine that needs to take the day off to simply destress and zoom around the block a few hundred times, I’m here to say that you should absolutely do so.” At press time, Amazon announced that they could easily replace any related lost productivity by simply putting 20 humans on a double shift.


theonion--2020-03-27--Scientists Discover Earliest Common Ancestor To All Animal Life

Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago @ @ @ @ @ , an organism that has two symmetrical sides and a distinct front and back connected @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Being worm-like is the common bond that we all @ @ @ @ @ Christian , I believe that we are all descended from Jesus ’ continuous gut.
” @ @ @ @ @ great to finally have something to talk to reptiles about .
”

Researchers at the University of California say a worm-like creature that lived on the ocean floor 555 million years ago is the earliest known bilaterian, an organism that has two symmetrical sides and a distinct front and back connected by a continuous gut. What do you think?
“Being worm-like is the common bond that we all share.” Christi Gasiewski • Systems Analyst
“As a Christian, I believe that we are all descended from Jesus’ continuous gut.” Theo Fentress • Wallpaper Scraper
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theonion--2020-03-27--Trump Announces Plan To Retrain Nation’s 3 Million Unemployed Americans As Human Ventilators

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country ’ s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims , @ @ @ @ @ plan Friday to retrain the nation ’ s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as @ @ @ @ @ ’ re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them to lock lips @ @ @ @ @ pump air into and out of their lungs , ” said Trump , who explained @ @ @ @ @ would be giving all out-of-work Americans an opportunity to take an accelerated training course to @ @ @ @ @ ventilatory assistance to Covid-19 patients with their mouths .
“ States asked for help , @ @ @ @ @ .
This is going to save hundreds , potentially thousands of lives , and put @ @ @ @ @ service workers back on their feet .
There are thousands of very , very sick @ @ @ @ @ with their mouths gaping open.
” At press time , Trump told reporters that if @ @ @ @ @ , that many of the jobless could take on roles as hospital beds .

WASHINGTON—Taking drastic action to address the country’s critical medical supply shortages as well as rising jobless claims, President Donald Trump announced a plan Friday to retrain the nation’s 3 million unemployed Americans to work as human ventilators. “We’re going to put Americans back to work by teaching them to lock lips with infected coronavirus patients and pump air into and out of their lungs,” said Trump, who explained how the Department of Labor would be giving all out-of-work Americans an opportunity to take an accelerated training course to learn how to successfully provide ventilatory assistance to Covid-19 patients with their mouths. “States asked for help, and we’ve listened. This is going to save hundreds, potentially thousands of lives, and put our nation’s great service workers back on their feet. There are thousands of very, very sick people waiting across the country with their mouths gaping open.” At press time, Trump told reporters that if unemployment numbers continue to rise, that many of the jobless could take on roles as hospital beds.


theonion--2020-03-27--Doctors Encourage More Women To Regularly Perform Breast Self-Exams To See If They Need Implants

It ’ s a simple procedure you can do at home , and it only takes a few minutes each @ @ @ @ @ this routine check-up yourself could change your life .
The Topical is presented by Cash @ @ @ @ @ finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or @ @ @ @ @ the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash @ @ @ @ @ to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The @ @ @ @ @ Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It’s a simple procedure you can do at home, and it only takes a few minutes each month. Hear how performing this routine check-up yourself could change your life.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-27--Kawhi Leonard Misses Second Consecutive Family Game Night Citing Load Management

RANCHO SANTA FE , CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job , Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management .
“ Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll , so I need to rest up and not put my future on the line , ” said Leonard , revealing that he still had lingering injuries from back-to-back games of Spot It last week .
“ I know some people expect me to play even if I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could do long-term damage if I go too hard in some marathon game of Apples To Apples .
I have to look out for my well-being , and that means 48 hours between puzzles .
My family has a ‘ Next man up ’ mentality , and I have complete confidence that they ’ ll step up and take home a win while I ’ m out.
” At press time , Leonard expressed concern that if the current pace of family gatherings continued , he would have to miss the entire holiday @ @

RANCHO SANTA FE, CA—Saying that his personal health had to remain top priority no matter the demands of the job, Clippers superstar Kawhi Leonard missed his second consecutive family game night Friday due to load management. “Playing game after game of Uno takes a physical and mental toll, so I need to rest up and not put my future on the line,” said Leonard, revealing that he still had lingering injuries from back-to-back games of Spot It last week. “I know some people expect me to play even if I’m not ready, but I could do long-term damage if I go too hard in some marathon game of Apples To Apples. I have to look out for my well-being, and that means 48 hours between puzzles. My family has a ‘Next man up’ mentality, and I have complete confidence that they’ll step up and take home a win while I’m out.” At press time, Leonard expressed concern that if the current pace of family gatherings continued, he would have to miss the entire holiday season.


theonion--2020-03-27--What’s In Congress’ Coronavirus Stimulus Bill

After days of frenzied negotiations , Congress passed a $ 2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus , the largest such aid package in U.S. history .
The Onion takes a look at what ’ s in the stimulus bill .
Direct payments of $ 1,200 for single Americans , $ 2,400 for married couples , and $ 3,000 for those playing the field .
$ 32 billion to an airline industry that charged you for a blanket on your last flight .
Paywall taken off U.S. Unemployment Office website .
More protections than you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people from their president .
Lot of money the government has spent decades telling Americans it didn ’ t have and couldn ’ t spend .
Probably something that sounds very good and turns out to be very bad .
Five dollars to Senator Ron Johnson for winning betting pool that Rand Paul would get virus first .
Every family will receive $ 500 per child , but officials may not come to collect the children until May .
Federal aid for independent contractors , such as Uber drivers and assassins .
A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thing .

After days of frenzied negotiations, Congress passed a $2 trillion stimulus package to address economic issues caused by the coronavirus, the largest such aid package in U.S. history. The Onion takes a look at what’s in the stimulus bill.
Direct payments of $1,200 for single Americans, $2,400 for married couples, and $3,000 for those playing the field.
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$32 billion to an airline industry that charged you for a blanket on your last flight.
Paywall taken off U.S. Unemployment Office website.
More protections than you’d think necessary to safeguard American people from their president.
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Lot of money the government has spent decades telling Americans it didn’t have and couldn’t spend.
Probably something that sounds very good and turns out to be very bad.
Five dollars to Senator Ron Johnson for winning betting pool that Rand Paul would get virus first.
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Every family will receive $500 per child, but officials may not come to collect the children until May.
Federal aid for independent contractors, such as Uber drivers and assassins.
A stern reminder that this is a one-time thing.


theonion--2020-03-27--Americans Look For Ways To Help During Coronavirus Pandemic

Though shelter-in-place orders are keeping many homebound , Americans are finding ways to help those in need by giving blood @ @ @ @ @ , and pledging money to nonprofits that provide financial assistance to people who have lost @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ I ’ m waiting to donate until shit really hits the @ @ @ @ @ get the best bang for my buck ” “ Thankfully , I haven ’ t @ @ @ @ @ take such desperate measures .
”

Though shelter-in-place orders are keeping many homebound, Americans are finding ways to help those in need by giving blood, donating to food banks, and pledging money to nonprofits that provide financial assistance to people who have lost their jobs. What do you think?
“I’m waiting to donate until shit really hits the fan, so I can get the best bang for my buck” Chip Richardson • Key Fob Collector
“Let’s leave the helping to the professionals.” Meg Rubin • Assistant Personal Assistant
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theonion--2020-03-27--20 Women Throughout History And 5 From The Future

Debbie : Debbie lies dormant in the shadows , waiting for the right time .
You can try to run @ @ @ @ @ you .
She will not stop .
In the emptiness of alleyways , in the @ @ @ @ @ remains just beyond your vision , awaiting the moment you think she has vanished .

Debbie: Debbie lies dormant in the shadows, waiting for the right time. You can try to run, but Debbie will find you. She will not stop. In the emptiness of alleyways, in the silence of twilight, Debbie remains just beyond your vision, awaiting the moment you think she has vanished.


theonion--2020-03-27--Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperwa

Global Pandemic That Has Killed Thousands Giving Woman Just The Push She Needed To Organize Tupperware Cabinet

CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project , local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet .
“ I ’ ve been putting off organizing my food storage for what seems like forever , but turns out the only motivation I required was the COVID-19 pandemic giving me a little extra time , ” said the marketing coordinator of the sustained period of uncertainty and mortality that will fundamentally reshape the global economy .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d been toying around with , but I ’ d never actually gotten to the point of actually trying them out , because it always seemed like this huge thing .
I even bought this plastic lid organizer from Target that ’ s just been sitting in the closet for months , but it wasn ’ t until the mass spread of a deadly disease that has hospitalized hundreds of thousands that I finally got around to opening it .
This is such a huge weight off my shoulders , though—every time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how organized the Tupperware is now , I ’ ll feel better.
” Wilhelm did admit that given her tendency to procrastinate , it will probably take a few more weeks of catastrophic suffering and a rapidly escalating death count before she would find the energy to tackle the cabinet with all the plastic grocery bags .

CHICAGO—Basking in the satisfaction of finally getting around to tackle a long-awaited project, local woman Carrie Wilhelm reportedly reflected Friday that the global coronavirus pandemic that has killed thousands gave her just the push she needed to organize her Tupperware cabinet. “I’ve been putting off organizing my food storage for what seems like forever, but turns out the only motivation I required was the COVID-19 pandemic giving me a little extra time,” said the marketing coordinator of the sustained period of uncertainty and mortality that will fundamentally reshape the global economy. “I had a couple ideas I’d been toying around with, but I’d never actually gotten to the point of actually trying them out, because it always seemed like this huge thing. I even bought this plastic lid organizer from Target that’s just been sitting in the closet for months, but it wasn’t until the mass spread of a deadly disease that has hospitalized hundreds of thousands that I finally got around to opening it. This is such a huge weight off my shoulders, though—every time I look in the cabinet and see how organized the Tupperware is now, I’ll feel better.” Wilhelm did admit that given her tendency to procrastinate, it will probably take a few more weeks of catastrophic suffering and a rapidly escalating death count before she would find the energy to tackle the cabinet with all the plastic grocery bags.


theonion--2020-03-27--Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pand

Department Of Interior Announces Birds Will Continue Going About Regular Bird Activities During Pandemic

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to maintain social distancing despite what they see other animals doing , officials for the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that birds will continue going about their regular bird activities during the coronavirus pandemic .
“ Even as we humans shelter-in-place over the next several weeks , I want the public to understand that our avian friends will be going about their regular bird business of flapping and squawking , ” said Secretary of the Interior David Bernhardt , adding that it is unclear if the winged vertebrates can spread the coronavirus , but it doesn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in their free time is outside the purview of his office .
“ Rest assured , birds will still be alighting on branches , building nests , digging for worms , and generally getting on with their normal lives even as the pandemic rages on .
Pecking , shitting , chirping , flying ; you name it and birds will continue doing it , unaffected by the virus that has brought our lives to a grinding halt .
Hell , they ’ ll even be crashing into windows and getting murdered by cats @ @ @ @ @ @ @ They ’ re birds , you know ?
” At press time , Bernhardt confirmed that bison quarantined inside national parks have been losing their fucking minds with boredom .

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to maintain social distancing despite what they see other animals doing, officials for the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that birds will continue going about their regular bird activities during the coronavirus pandemic. “Even as we humans shelter-in-place over the next several weeks, I want the public to understand that our avian friends will be going about their regular bird business of flapping and squawking,” said Secretary of the Interior David Bernhardt, adding that it is unclear if the winged vertebrates can spread the coronavirus, but it doesn’t matter because whatever birds do in their free time is outside the purview of his office. “Rest assured, birds will still be alighting on branches, building nests, digging for worms, and generally getting on with their normal lives even as the pandemic rages on. Pecking, shitting, chirping, flying; you name it and birds will continue doing it, unaffected by the virus that has brought our lives to a grinding halt. Hell, they’ll even be crashing into windows and getting murdered by cats, and that’s totally ok. They’re birds, you know?” At press time, Bernhardt confirmed that bison quarantined inside national parks have been losing their fucking minds with boredom.


theonion--2020-03-27--Miss E3? Check Out Our Recreation With A Bunch Of Sweating, Overheated Gamers We Locked In Our Janit

Miss E3? Check Out Our Recreation With A Bunch Of Sweating, Overheated Gamers We Locked In Our Janitorial Closet

Hardcore gaming fans were massively disappointed when this year ’ s Electronic Entertainment Expo got canceled due to the spread of Covid-19 .
But luckily , OGN is here to give you a taste of what you ’ re missing .
That ’ s right , readers !
If you ’ re pining away for the E3 experience , then feast your eyes on this pixel-perfect recreation we made by locking a bunch of sweating , overheated gamers in our janitorial closet .
Sure , the largest gaming trade show of the year might be canceled , but Onion Gamers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an authentic replica of E3 featuring 15 large , overexerted gaming enthusiasts trapped in an office janitor ’ s closet !
Gamers , we know you had been looking forward to checking out E3 for months , so you deserve the closest approximation we could give you .
That ’ s why we ’ ve made absolutely sure to make our recreation as authentic as possible : Anamanaguchi is blaring on the portable speakers to the point these gamers can ’ t hear themselves think , it ’ s completely impossible to find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inside the closet—and it ’ s possible to actually feel the moisture of fresh stains on the backs and armpits of people that bump into you .
And don ’ t forget the smell !
For an added layer of authenticity , one of the gamers is wearing an actual Deadpool costume that we forced him to put on .
Make sure to check out all the hard work he put in before he passes out from heatstroke !
This place is nearly 87 degrees Fahrenheit and rising !
We know nothing will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of attending E3 2020 and getting a taste of the biggest and brightest that the industry has to offer .
But this here is the next best thing—so come on in , stock up on swag such as dishrags and cleaning solution , fight your fellow fans to play the single half-charged Game Gear we left in there , and be sure to catch the keynote speech from one of the gamers begging to be let out !
Now , this is how real gamers make the best of a tough situation .

Hardcore gaming fans were massively disappointed when this year’s Electronic Entertainment Expo got canceled due to the spread of Covid-19. But luckily, OGN is here to give you a taste of what you’re missing. That’s right, readers! If you’re pining away for the E3 experience, then feast your eyes on this pixel-perfect recreation we made by locking a bunch of sweating, overheated gamers in our janitorial closet.
Sure, the largest gaming trade show of the year might be canceled, but Onion Gamers Network’s got your back with an authentic replica of E3 featuring 15 large, overexerted gaming enthusiasts trapped in an office janitor’s closet!
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Gamers, we know you had been looking forward to checking out E3 for months, so you deserve the closest approximation we could give you. That’s why we’ve made absolutely sure to make our recreation as authentic as possible: Anamanaguchi is blaring on the portable speakers to the point these gamers can’t hear themselves think, it’s completely impossible to find a bathroom—since there isn’t one inside the closet—and it’s possible to actually feel the moisture of fresh stains on the backs and armpits of people that bump into you. And don’t forget the smell!
For an added layer of authenticity, one of the gamers is wearing an actual Deadpool costume that we forced him to put on. Make sure to check out all the hard work he put in before he passes out from heatstroke! This place is nearly 87 degrees Fahrenheit and rising!
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We know nothing will ever make up for losing the experience of attending E3 2020 and getting a taste of the biggest and brightest that the industry has to offer. But this here is the next best thing—so come on in, stock up on swag such as dishrags and cleaning solution, fight your fellow fans to play the single half-charged Game Gear we left in there, and be sure to catch the keynote speech from one of the gamers begging to be let out!
Now, this is how real gamers make the best of a tough situation.


theonion--2020-03-27--10 Photos That Will Make You Angry Because You Are A Strange Person Who Gets Upset At Pictures Of Wa

10 Photos That Will Make You Angry Because You Are A Strange Person Who Gets Upset At Pictures Of Wallets

One brief question : You know how mad wallets make you , so why did you even click on this @ @ @ @ @ dragged out of the Macy ’ s wallet section screaming obscenities last time you went @ @ @ @ @ a man when he tried to give you a business card from his tanned cowhide @ @ @ @ @ going to be any different ?

One brief question: You know how mad wallets make you, so why did you even click on this slideshow? You remember being dragged out of the Macy’s wallet section screaming obscenities last time you went there. You remember assaulting a man when he tried to give you a business card from his tanned cowhide wallet. Why was today going to be any different?


theonion--2020-03-26--Study Finds Female Mammals Live Longer Than Males

A large-scale study of over 100 species of mammals including orcas , reindeer , squirrels , and lions found that @ @ @ @ @ 18.6 % longer than their male counterparts , which may be tied to both genetic @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ As bad as this news is , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ something in common with a lion .
”

A large-scale study of over 100 species of mammals including orcas, reindeer, squirrels, and lions found that females live an average of 18.6% longer than their male counterparts, which may be tied to both genetic and environmental factors. What do you think?
“As bad as this news is, it’s pretty cool that I have something in common with a lion.” Alexander Ringrose • Unemployed
“It’s only fair the females find ways to die earlier.” Sheena Levy • Industrial Accountant
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theonion--2020-03-26--NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars

NASA Finds Life Drowned On Mars

It ’ s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community .
Find out what this means @ @ @ @ @ and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses .
The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in @ @ @ @ @ Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get @ @ @ @ @ will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It’s an historic achievement that is being celebrated by the scientific community. Find out what this means for our solar system, and if this could lead to the discovery of more extraterrestrial corpses.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-26--Man Reflects On Cyclical Nature Of Existence After Learning McDonald’s Has Stopped Offering All-Day

Man Reflects On Cyclical Nature Of Existence After Learning McDonald’s Has Stopped Offering All-Day Breakfast Once Again

JOPLIN , MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement , local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of existence Thursday after learning fast-food giant McDonald ’ s would once more stop serving breakfast all day long .
“ Though things around us may project an illusion of permanence , the universe has suddenly reminded us that even our ability to order a Bacon , Egg , and Cheese McGriddle at 4 p.m. is finite , and that we are all destined , yet again , to end where we began : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sandwiches , ” said Trask who appeared to grow pensive as he stared into the distance and discussed the nonlinear , paradoxical order within the chaos of our ever-fluctuating reality .
“ I know that hotcakes and hash browns will return someday outside the traditional hours of the morning meal , just as the flat circle of time turns to bring life where once there was death .
But for now , the cruel hands of fate have snatched away the breakfast menu from the afternoon and evening time .
Perhaps the recursive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an expression of Joseph Campbell ’ s concept of the hero ’ s journey : departing , returning , departing again—such is life.
” At press time , reports confirmed Trask was in a Dairy Queen parking lot meditating on the duality of mind and body after learning the Mint Oreo Blizzard would only be the Blizzard of the Month a few more days .

JOPLIN, MO—Overcome with a sense of spiritual profundity in response to the astonishing announcement, local man Edward Trask reportedly reflected on the cyclical nature of existence Thursday after learning fast-food giant McDonald’s would once more stop serving breakfast all day long. “Though things around us may project an illusion of permanence, the universe has suddenly reminded us that even our ability to order a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese McGriddle at 4 p.m. is finite, and that we are all destined, yet again, to end where we began: with no around-the-clock drive-thru access to breakfast sandwiches,” said Trask who appeared to grow pensive as he stared into the distance and discussed the nonlinear, paradoxical order within the chaos of our ever-fluctuating reality. “I know that hotcakes and hash browns will return someday outside the traditional hours of the morning meal, just as the flat circle of time turns to bring life where once there was death. But for now, the cruel hands of fate have snatched away the breakfast menu from the afternoon and evening time. Perhaps the recursive voyage of the sausage biscuit is simply an expression of Joseph Campbell’s concept of the hero’s journey: departing, returning, departing again—such is life.” At press time, reports confirmed Trask was in a Dairy Queen parking lot meditating on the duality of mind and body after learning the Mint Oreo Blizzard would only be the Blizzard of the Month a few more days.


theonion--2020-03-26--1,000-Bed Hospital Ships Deployed To New York, LA

The USNS Mercy and the USNS Comfort , each equipped with 12 operating rooms , 1,000 beds , and hundreds @ @ @ @ @ to America ’ s two biggest cities to treat patients so that local hospitals can @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ We need medical ships on the shores of @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Didn ’ t boats get us into this whole mess in the first @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m going to be so disappointed if I get stuck dying in the @ @ @ @

The USNS Mercy and the USNS Comfort, each equipped with 12 operating rooms, 1,000 beds, and hundreds of medical professionals will deploy to America’s two biggest cities to treat patients so that local hospitals can focus on fighting the coronavirus. What do you think?
“We need medical ships on the shores of all 50 states, ASAP.” Jodhi Burke • Lint Trap Cleaner
“Didn’t boats get us into this whole mess in the first place?” Wayne Prettejohn • Flower Bed Planner
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theonion--2020-03-30--Man Watching Space Force Rocket Launch Gazes In Awe At The Power Of Human Stupidity

CAPE CANAVERAL , FL—Struggling to put his powerful feelings into words , local man Luke Paulsen was reportedly gazing in awe of human stupidity Monday while watching a recorded broadcast of the U.S. Space Force rocket launch .
“ Wow , when mankind comes together , there are truly no limits to our wastefulness , ” said Paulsen , marveling as he witnessed the $ 1.2 billion military communications satellite rise into the atmosphere and out of sight , and realizing that the shortsightedness of the endeavor was far greater than anything that he could have previously imagined .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the president of the United States creating an army to fight in space was inconceivable .
It ’ s amazing that the world ’ s top dumbasses could come together to achieve something no one thought was possible or necessary .
Gee , I don ’ t even know what to say .
This just goes to show how willfully stupid people—no , an entire nation—can be.
” At press time , Paulsen was reminding himself that no matter how bad the coming days got , the country could always count on @ @ @ @

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—Struggling to put his powerful feelings into words, local man Luke Paulsen was reportedly gazing in awe of human stupidity Monday while watching a recorded broadcast of the U.S. Space Force rocket launch. “Wow, when mankind comes together, there are truly no limits to our wastefulness,” said Paulsen, marveling as he witnessed the $1.2 billion military communications satellite rise into the atmosphere and out of sight, and realizing that the shortsightedness of the endeavor was far greater than anything that he could have previously imagined. “Just 10 years ago, the idea of the president of the United States creating an army to fight in space was inconceivable. It’s amazing that the world’s top dumbasses could come together to achieve something no one thought was possible or necessary. Gee, I don’t even know what to say. This just goes to show how willfully stupid people—no, an entire nation—can be.” At press time, Paulsen was reminding himself that no matter how bad the coming days got, the country could always count on their sheer idiocy.