theonion--2020-08-05--How To Save The World’s Melting Sea Ice

How To Save The World’s Melting Sea Ice

Arctic sea ice reached a record low in July as temperatures hit 100 degrees above the Arctic circle , increasing @ @ @ @ @ prevent environmental degradation .
The Onion takes a look at how to save the world @ @ @ @ @ : First off , we should learn everything there is to know about this “ @ @ @ @ @ physically push Earth a meter or two farther away from the sun .
Limit number @ @ @ @ @ to Greenland can take home with them .
Pump billions of dollars into nonprofit that @ @ @ @ @ challenge .
Combine ices from both poles into single more manageable chunk .
Stop all @ @ @ @ @ pop production .
Build giant factories that suck carbon dioxide out of the air to @ @ @ @ @ down the road to future generations .

Arctic sea ice reached a record low in July as temperatures hit 100 degrees above the Arctic circle, increasing discussions about potential ways to prevent environmental degradation. The Onion takes a look at how to save the world’s melting sea ice:
First off, we should learn everything there is to know about this “ice.”
Mobilize nations to physically push Earth a meter or two farther away from the sun.
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Limit number of mile-wide ice sheets vacationers to Greenland can take home with them.
Recycling bin in office.
Pump billions of dollars into nonprofit that will give us an easier challenge.
Assume Finland already taking care of it.
Clone the ice, ethical consequences be damned!
Combine ices from both poles into single more manageable chunk.
Stop all excavation of Arctic for ice pop production.
Build giant factories that suck carbon dioxide out of the air to ensure we kick the can down the road to future generations.


theonion--2020-08-05--Herbalife Launches Sampler Kit Into Deep Space To Share Once-In-A-Lifetime Business Opportunity With

Herbalife Launches Sampler Kit Into Deep Space To Share Once-In-A-Lifetime Business Opportunity With Alien Civilizations

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that , for a limited time only , there would be no minimum purchases required for new team members , global multilevel marketing corporation Herbalife successfully launched a product sampler kit into deep space Wednesday to reach alien civilizations with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity .
“ In the event that there are intelligent lifeforms out there , we believe it is our duty at Herbalife to share this exclusive invitation to easily make huge amounts of cash from the comfort of their home planet , ” said a smiling , overenthusiastic gold-tier Herbalife independent distributor , Marlena Jackson , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ alien societies who each made contact with three more would not only cover the cost of the starter pack but double or triple the incomes of anyone who came aboard .
“ What if I told you , extraterrestrial beings , that you , too , could set your own hours according to the laws of physics in your area , be your own intergalactic overlord , and work from anywhere in the universe in whatever dimension you wanted , all while receiving fun and fabulous rewards and incentives ?
Well , that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you !
Your best life is within reach as an Herbalife Exoplanetary Ambassador .
Simply fill out the purchase form included with your complementary protein-rich meal replacement samples , and mail it—along with a cashier ’ s check or money order , plus shipping to the main office in Brentwood , Los Angeles , California , Earth , Milky Way.
” At press time , Herbalife was broadcasting a radio signal to Mars with the message that a chance like this only comes around once in the entire history of space-time .

LOS ANGELES—Emphasizing that, for a limited time only, there would be no minimum purchases required for new team members, global multilevel marketing corporation Herbalife successfully launched a product sampler kit into deep space Wednesday to reach alien civilizations with a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. “In the event that there are intelligent lifeforms out there, we believe it is our duty at Herbalife to share this exclusive invitation to easily make huge amounts of cash from the comfort of their home planet,” said a smiling, overenthusiastic gold-tier Herbalife independent distributor, Marlena Jackson, explaining that contacting just three previously unknown alien societies who each made contact with three more would not only cover the cost of the starter pack but double or triple the incomes of anyone who came aboard. “What if I told you, extraterrestrial beings, that you, too, could set your own hours according to the laws of physics in your area, be your own intergalactic overlord, and work from anywhere in the universe in whatever dimension you wanted, all while receiving fun and fabulous rewards and incentives? Well, that’s what I’m telling you! Your best life is within reach as an Herbalife Exoplanetary Ambassador. Simply fill out the purchase form included with your complementary protein-rich meal replacement samples, and mail it—along with a cashier’s check or money order, plus shipping to the main office in Brentwood, Los Angeles, California, Earth, Milky Way.” At press time, Herbalife was broadcasting a radio signal to Mars with the message that a chance like this only comes around once in the entire history of space-time.


theonion--2020-08-05--Evidence Shows National Weather Service Failed To Stop Devastating Storm Despite Having Advance Warn

Evidence Shows National Weather Service Failed To Stop Devastating Storm Despite Having Advance Warning

SILVER SPRING , MD—Calling the deadly winds and torrential rain a “ totally preventable ” tropical storm , critics slammed @ @ @ @ @ after new evidence showed they failed to stop a recent hurricane despite having advanced warning @ @ @ @ @ clear they ’ d been monitoring the cloud formation swirling off the Atlantic coast for @ @ @ @ @ nothing to destroy it before it made landfall , ” said local government agent Francine @ @ @ @ @ storm , which flooded towns and toppled homes , might never have even touched down @ @ @ @ @ the bureau successfully mobilized .
“ Given their Doppler radar images , the NWS had @ @ @ @ @ find and kill the storm once and for all .
The truth is , their @ @ @ @ @ this system grew from a Category 1 to a Category 4 hurricane in the first @ @ @ @ @ , the National Weather Service rebuked the report , stating that they had actually stopped @ @ @ @ @ and typhoons but could not release details for national security reasons .

SILVER SPRING, MD—Calling the deadly winds and torrential rain a “totally preventable” tropical storm, critics slammed the National Weather Service Wednesday after new evidence showed they failed to stop a recent hurricane despite having advanced warning. “It’s clear they’d been monitoring the cloud formation swirling off the Atlantic coast for days, but did absolutely nothing to destroy it before it made landfall,” said local government agent Francine Landis, noting that the storm, which flooded towns and toppled homes, might never have even touched down on the East Coast had the bureau successfully mobilized. “Given their Doppler radar images, the NWS had more than enough information to find and kill the storm once and for all. The truth is, their gross negligence is probably why this system grew from a Category 1 to a Category 4 hurricane in the first place.” At press time, the National Weather Service rebuked the report, stating that they had actually stopped countless cyclones, tornadoes, and typhoons but could not release details for national security reasons.


theonion--2020-08-05--Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retire

Financial Experts Recommend Americans Set Aside Giant Mesmerizing Pearl To Rub Obsessively In Retirement

Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering , “ Yes , @ @ @ @ @ it every night .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Hear more about the benefits of investing in an awe-inspiring pearl to tenderly caress while whispering, “Yes, my sweet,” to it every night.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-05--FDA Expands List Of Dangerous Hand Sanitizers

The FDA has updated a list of more than 100 hand sanitizers that they believe should be recalled , either @ @ @ @ @ enough alcohol to work properly or because they are tainted with methanol which can be @ @ @ @ @ skin .
What do you think ?
“ Recalling these will just make people want @ @ @ @ @ more.
” “ And still the government continues to criminalize the only truly reliable disinfectant @ @ @ @

The FDA has updated a list of more than 100 hand sanitizers that they believe should be recalled, either because they do not contain enough alcohol to work properly or because they are tainted with methanol which can be toxic if absorbed through the skin. What do you think?
“Recalling these will just make people want to sanitize their hands even more.” Stu Olters • Wind Chimes Artist
“I honestly think it’s best to just steer clear of hygiene altogether.” Monica Sommer • Rooster Interpreter
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theonion--2020-08-05--2020 Census Count To End One Month Early

The U.S. Census Bureau confirmed Monday that all efforts to collect responses will end on September 30 , a month @ @ @ @ @ the fact that only 63 % of Americans have been counted .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ they probably got the 63 % that matter.
” “ Doesn ’ t the Census @ @ @ @ @ google how many people live in America ?
” “ At a certain point , @ @ @ @ @ that America has plenty of people .
”

The U.S. Census Bureau confirmed Monday that all efforts to collect responses will end on September 30, a month earlier than previously announced despite the fact that only 63% of Americans have been counted. What do you think?
“Eh, they probably got the 63% that matter.” Carina Bennett • Dollhouse Architect
“Doesn’t the Census Bureau know you can just google how many people live in America?” Kevin Ordelt • CD Bootlegger
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theonion--2020-08-05--Don Henley Sues Both Presidential Campaigns For Not Using ‘Boys Of Summer’

DALLAS—Expressing frustration that neither presidential candidate had requested consent to use his smash solo hit from 1984 , Eagles vocalist Don Henley filed suit Wednesday against both Donald Trump and Joe Biden ’ s campaigns for not playing “ The Boys Of Summer ” at their events .
“ Fans tipped us off to the fact that Biden and Trump weren ’ t using ‘ Boys Of Summer ’ for any of their in-person or virtual campaign appearances , and we felt we had no choice but to take legal action , ” said Henley , whose lawyers filed a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the classic-rock radio mainstay would make a perfect complement to the message of either candidate .
“ We find it unacceptable that it hasn ’ t been played even once at a 2020 rally , especially during the summertime .
The part that goes ‘ Nobody on the road / Nobody on the beach ’ truly speaks to this moment in American life .
How dare you not use this song , ‘ All She Wants To Do Is Dance , ’ or any of the other Top 40 singles from my triple-platinum @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have no right .
No right at all.
” At press time , the Trump campaign had reportedly agreed to use “ Boys Of Summer ” on the condition that Henley edit out the lyric “ But I can see you / Your brown skin shining in the sun .
”

DALLAS—Expressing frustration that neither presidential candidate had requested consent to use his smash solo hit from 1984, Eagles vocalist Don Henley filed suit Wednesday against both Donald Trump and Joe Biden’s campaigns for not playing “The Boys Of Summer” at their events. “Fans tipped us off to the fact that Biden and Trump weren’t using ‘Boys Of Summer’ for any of their in-person or virtual campaign appearances, and we felt we had no choice but to take legal action,” said Henley, whose lawyers filed a civil complaint against the campaigns detailing how the classic-rock radio mainstay would make a perfect complement to the message of either candidate. “We find it unacceptable that it hasn’t been played even once at a 2020 rally, especially during the summertime. The part that goes ‘Nobody on the road / Nobody on the beach’ truly speaks to this moment in American life. How dare you not use this song, ‘All She Wants To Do Is Dance,’ or any of the other Top 40 singles from my triple-platinum Building The Perfect Beast album? You have no right. No right at all.” At press time, the Trump campaign had reportedly agreed to use “Boys Of Summer” on the condition that Henley edit out the lyric “But I can see you / Your brown skin shining in the sun.”


theonion--2020-08-05--D.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw

D.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw Animal Magnetism

WASHINGTON—Still dumbfounded by an interview in which Australian reporter Jonathan Swan repeatedly challenged the president on his misleading statements about the coronavirus pandemic , D.C. journalists confirmed Wednesday that they were in awe of Swan being able to speak to Donald Trump without succumbing to his raw animal magnetism .
“ It ’ s truly remarkable that Swan could actually ask the president meaningful follow-up questions instead of just tearing off his clothes—I don ’ t know how he managed it , ” said New York Times chief White House correspondent Peter Baker , echoing the astonishment of other reporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ president ’ s intense sexual aura that they haven ’ t been able to challenge a single statement he ’ s uttered for his entire presidency .
“ Normally , when you interview the president , you ’ re ready with your statistics and a list of his previous statements to contradict the lies you know he ’ s going to tell , but within seconds the sheer libidinal potency of the man turns you to putty in his hands .
Speaking for all my colleagues , we absolutely want to challenge Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ falsehoods and shocking offensiveness of his statements , but when you ’ re actually there in the room with him , you ’ re lucky if you ’ re able to squeak out even a weak ‘ hummina hummina hummina.
’ ” The awestruck D.C. journalists added that they had no idea how Swan managed to take a piece of paper from Trump and critique it right then and there instead of sliding to the floor after catching a whiff of the president ’ s animal scent .

WASHINGTON—Still dumbfounded by an interview in which Australian reporter Jonathan Swan repeatedly challenged the president on his misleading statements about the coronavirus pandemic, D.C. journalists confirmed Wednesday that they were in awe of Swan being able to speak to Donald Trump without succumbing to his raw animal magnetism. “It’s truly remarkable that Swan could actually ask the president meaningful follow-up questions instead of just tearing off his clothes—I don’t know how he managed it,” said New York Times chief White House correspondent Peter Baker, echoing the astonishment of other reporters who recalled being so overwhelmed by the president’s intense sexual aura that they haven’t been able to challenge a single statement he’s uttered for his entire presidency. “Normally, when you interview the president, you’re ready with your statistics and a list of his previous statements to contradict the lies you know he’s going to tell, but within seconds the sheer libidinal potency of the man turns you to putty in his hands. Speaking for all my colleagues, we absolutely want to challenge Trump in real time to expose the extensive falsehoods and shocking offensiveness of his statements, but when you’re actually there in the room with him, you’re lucky if you’re able to squeak out even a weak ‘hummina hummina hummina.’” The awestruck D.C. journalists added that they had no idea how Swan managed to take a piece of paper from Trump and critique it right then and there instead of sliding to the floor after catching a whiff of the president’s animal scent.


theonion--2020-08-05--Desperate Trump Campaign Strategists Wondering How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Americans’ Fear

Desperate Trump Campaign Strategists Wondering How Much Mileage They Can Get Out Of Americans’ Fear Of Dentists

WASHINGTON—In response to declining poll numbers in the 2020 presidential race , increasingly desperate Trump campaign strategists reportedly wondered Wednesday how much mileage they could get out of American s ’ fear of dentists .
“ We ’ re repositioning to make sure voters know that elitists Dems want to expand healthcare and force you to pay a visit to the scary man with a drill , ” said campaign manager Bill Stepien , referencing a new commercial spot featuring dozens of blue-collar and rural voters undergoing root canal surgery while a menacing string arrangement plays in the background .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , a vote for Biden is a vote for seeing the dentist twice a year .
If we don ’ t win in November , you ’ re going to have federally funded dentists sucking the spit out of your mouth through a tube .
Do you want to live in socialist country where a stranger gets to take the wisdom teeth you ’ ve worked so hard for ?
” At press time , Fox News released an expos é on a “ partisan ” dentist office that gave local children blue @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—In response to declining poll numbers in the 2020 presidential race, increasingly desperate Trump campaign strategists reportedly wondered Wednesday how much mileage they could get out of American s’ fear of dentists. “We’re repositioning to make sure voters know that elitists Dems want to expand healthcare and force you to pay a visit to the scary man with a drill,” said campaign manager Bill Stepien, referencing a new commercial spot featuring dozens of blue-collar and rural voters undergoing root canal surgery while a menacing string arrangement plays in the background. “Let’s not mince words, a vote for Biden is a vote for seeing the dentist twice a year. If we don’t win in November, you’re going to have federally funded dentists sucking the spit out of your mouth through a tube. Do you want to live in socialist country where a stranger gets to take the wisdom teeth you’ve worked so hard for?” At press time, Fox News released an expos é on a “partisan” dentist office that gave local children blue lollipops after appointments.


theonion--2020-08-06--Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Home

Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security

OPR has the latest in this ongoing “ turf war ” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security .
@ @ @ @ @ a way to brutalize citizens together ?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

OPR has the latest in this ongoing “turf war” between the Chicago Police Department and Homeland Security. Can the two sides find a way to brutalize citizens together?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-06--Gamers, Please Give Us A Minute, We’re On The Phone With Ganondorf And It Sounds Like His Dad Was Ho

Gamers, Please Give Us A Minute, We’re On The Phone With Ganondorf And It Sounds Like His Dad Was Hospitalized

Hey , gamers , we know you ’ re probably interested in us giving you the latest gaming news and reviews , but right now , we ’ re kind of in the middle of something serious : Ganondorf is on the other end of the line , and it sounds like his dad is in the hospital .
Please , just give us a second , okay ?
He ’ s crying a lot .
Look , we want to give you an update on what ’ s going on in the next-gen wars as soon as we humanly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t focus on that right now , all right ?
Ganondorf is in complete hysterics .
He ’ s waiting for some kind of test and pouring his soul out about needing more time with his dad and how he shouldn ’ t have been away from Gerudo Valley for so long .
So , we don ’ t know .
Maybe go over to Polygon or IGN or something if you want to read about the upcoming remastered Tony Hawk because we are going to be dealing with this for a while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off .
A man ’ s father is in the emergency room right now and we ’ re apparently his only lifeline .
There are some things more important than a hands-on impression of Ratchet & Clank : Rift Apart or whatever you want from us , and this is clearly one of those things .
Can you get that through your skull ?
Okay ?
Does that make sense ?
Are you still bugging us ?
Jesus Christ , gamers .
What are we supposed to do ?
Hang up and give @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about Far Cry 6 ?
That would absolutely destroy Ganondorf .
Is that what you want ?
His dad could be dying for all we know , and you ’ re still looking at us to give you the hottest new rumors about some Ubisoft franchise ?
Listen , we like video games as much as you but have a goddamn heart .
Just take a breather and reflect on how consoling someone in their darkest hour might trump a few measly details about a video game that ’ s almost a year @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with you ?
Okay , we ’ re sorry we snapped at you , readers .
This is just a very stressful moment for Gandondorf and he ’ s kind of unloading on us .
We do have plenty of quality articles about gaming you can still enjoy while we try and figure this out .
So , look , we ’ re going to head to the hospital and just try to help him as much as we can .
In the meantime , you can check out our latest story on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t call us .
We ’ ll let you know when we ’ re free again .

Hey, gamers, we know you’re probably interested in us giving you the latest gaming news and reviews, but right now, we’re kind of in the middle of something serious: Ganondorf is on the other end of the line, and it sounds like his dad is in the hospital.
Please, just give us a second, okay? He’s crying a lot.
Look, we want to give you an update on what’s going on in the next-gen wars as soon as we humanly can, but we just can’t focus on that right now, all right? Ganondorf is in complete hysterics. He’s waiting for some kind of test and pouring his soul out about needing more time with his dad and how he shouldn’t have been away from Gerudo Valley for so long. So, we don’t know. Maybe go over to Polygon or IGN or something if you want to read about the upcoming remastered Tony Hawk because we are going to be dealing with this for a while.
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Seriously, readers, just back off. A man’s father is in the emergency room right now and we’re apparently his only lifeline. There are some things more important than a hands-on impression of Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart or whatever you want from us, and this is clearly one of those things. Can you get that through your skull? Okay? Does that make sense?
Are you still bugging us? Jesus Christ, gamers. What are we supposed to do? Hang up and give you a primer featuring everything we know about Far Cry 6? That would absolutely destroy Ganondorf. Is that what you want? His dad could be dying for all we know, and you’re still looking at us to give you the hottest new rumors about some Ubisoft franchise? Listen, we like video games as much as you but have a goddamn heart. Just take a breather and reflect on how consoling someone in their darkest hour might trump a few measly details about a video game that’s almost a year away.
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What the fuck is wrong with you?
Okay, we’re sorry we snapped at you, readers. This is just a very stressful moment for Gandondorf and he’s kind of unloading on us. We do have plenty of quality articles about gaming you can still enjoy while we try and figure this out. So, look, we’re going to head to the hospital and just try to help him as much as we can. In the meantime, you can check out our latest story on Paper Mario. Just, please, don’t call us. We’ll let you know when we’re free again.


theonion--2020-08-06--Former Spanish King Goes Into Exile

Former Spanish King Goes Into Exile

Juan Carlos , the former king of Spain , announced via a letter to his son King Felipe VI on @ @ @ @ @ into exile just weeks after the country ’ s Supreme Court opened an investigation into @ @ @ @ @ rail contract with Saudi Arabia .
What do you think ?
“ Wait , so @ @ @ @ @ the rich and powerful still experience shame ?
” “ What kind of leader doesn @ @ @ @ @ simply strong-arm Supreme Court judges into doing what he wants ?
”

Juan Carlos, the former king of Spain, announced via a letter to his son King Felipe VI on Monday that he has gone into exile just weeks after the country’s Supreme Court opened an investigation into his involvement with a high-speed rail contract with Saudi Arabia. What do you think?
“I totally get it, I a lso avoid confrontation.” Holly Melzow, Unemployed
“Wait, so there are some countries where the rich and powerful still experience shame?” Roy Obering, Sock Baller
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theonion--2020-08-06--Facebook Launches TikTok Competitor

Facebook Launches TikTok Competitor

Facebook on Wednesday launched a new feature within Instagram called Reels that allows users to create 15-second video clips similar @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ I apprecia te Facebook ’ s commitment to @ @ @ @ @ makes daily life unbearable.
” “ Good .
I much prefer my data be misused @ @ @ @ @ , I ’ m beginning to think 15-second dance videos are in danger of being @ @ @

Facebook on Wednesday launched a new feature within Instagram called Reels that allows users to create 15-second video clips similar to the popular app TikTok. What do you think?
“I apprecia te Facebook’s commitment to being part of everything that makes daily life unbearable.” Denise Ghouti • Systems Analyst
“Good. I much prefer my data be misused domestically.” Luke Simas • Friendship Bracelet Designer
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theonion--2020-08-06--U.S. Officials Hurt Saudi Arabia Would Try To Develop Nuclear Weapon Rather Than Asking Nicely For O

U.S. Officials Hurt Saudi Arabia Would Try To Develop Nuclear Weapon Rather Than Asking Nicely For One

WASHINGTON —Expressing a sense of betrayal over the Middle Eastern country not coming to them first , U.S. officials told reporters Thursday they were hurt that Saudi Arabia would try to develop its own nuclear weapon rather than just asking nicely for one from America .
“ We would have been glad to help them out , but when they go behind our backs like this and learn yellowcake extraction techniques from the Chinese—well , it feels pretty awful , ” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo , adding that the United States couldn ’ t assist the Saudis ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kept their pursuit of fissile materials all to themselves .
“ If they had simply mentioned it during arms negotiations , we would have happily thrown in a miniaturized nuclear warhead , maybe even an ICBM to sweeten the pot .
What hurts most is that they felt they couldn ’ t be open and honest with us .
I keep asking myself , did we do something wrong ?
We ’ ve never said no to any of their requests for weapons in the past.
” At press time , Pompeo reportedly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman a care package of uranium centrifuge blueprints .

WASHINGTON —Expressing a sense of betrayal over the Middle Eastern country not coming to them first, U.S. officials told reporters Thursday they were hurt that Saudi Arabia would try to develop its own nuclear weapon rather than just asking nicely for one from America. “We would have been glad to help them out, but when they go behind our backs like this and learn yellowcake extraction techniques from the Chinese—well, it feels pretty awful,” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, adding that the United States couldn’t assist the Saudis’ rise as a nuclear power if they kept their pursuit of fissile materials all to themselves. “If they had simply mentioned it during arms negotiations, we would have happily thrown in a miniaturized nuclear warhead, maybe even an ICBM to sweeten the pot. What hurts most is that they felt they couldn’t be open and honest with us. I keep asking myself, did we do something wrong? We’ve never said no to any of their requests for weapons in the past.” At press time, Pompeo reportedly tried to patch things up by sending Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman a care package of uranium centrifuge blueprints.


theonion--2020-08-06--Depressed Michelle Obama Purchases Copy Of ‘Becoming’ To Inspire Her

WASHINGTON—Suffering from a lack of energy and motivation , a depressed Michelle Obama reportedly purchased a copy of Becoming Thursday @ @ @ @ @ I guess I ’ ll give it a shot , ” said Obama , who @ @ @ @ @ book copy as well in case she wanted to listen to the story while attempting @ @ @ @ @ the elliptical .
“ I ’ ve heard a lot of good things about this @ @ @ @ @ friends have been raving about it .
It might be nice to get a change @ @ @ @ @ ve been so down in the dumps .
Even if it ends up just being @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll still probably be better than Dreams Of My Father.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ book aside to watch The Kissing Booth 2 instead .

WASHINGTON—Suffering from a lack of energy and motivation, a depressed Michelle Obama reportedly purchased a copy of Becoming Thursday to inspire herself. “I guess I’ll give it a shot,” said Obama, who decided to buy an audio book copy as well in case she wanted to listen to the story while attempting to boost her endorphins on the elliptical. “I’ve heard a lot of good things about this book. All of my friends have been raving about it. It might be nice to get a change of perspective since I’ve been so down in the dumps. Even if it ends up just being all meaningless platitudes, it’ll still probably be better than Dreams Of My Father.” At press time, Obama had tossed the book aside to watch The Kissing Booth 2 instead.


theonion--2020-08-06--Aching Desire For One True Love Separated By Fate Still No Match For A Good Porkin’

BLOOMINGTON , IN—Researchers at the Psychology and Brain Sciences department of Indiana University published a new study Thursday confirming that a person ’ s aching desire for their one true love that ’ s been separated by fate is still no match for a good porkin ’ .
“ Although many find immense satisfaction in eagerly waiting for the postal worker to deliver the latest dispatch from their dearly beloved from whom they ’ ve been unfairly torn apart , our findings indicate that this phenomenon doesn ’ t hold a candle to deep-dicking , ” said head researcher Roger @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the sensation of frantically tearing open an epistle from your dearest darling failed to compete with a good , old-fashioned hard pounding .
“ There is this false notion that the most divine catharsis comes from desperately craving the touch of your eternal flame , when , in fact , the truth is that this yearning is nothing compared to a blowout fuckfest that leaves you raw and moaning .
Even if your star-crossed lover is separated by oceans or mountains , we have been able to prove on a consistent basis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t even be put in the same category as bumping uglies all damn night long.
” Patel added that their preliminary research has also suggested that pining for your sweetheart ’ s return doesn ’ t even compare to a quickie in a public park .

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Researchers at the Psychology and Brain Sciences department of Indiana University published a new study Thursday confirming that a person’s aching desire for their one true love that’s been separated by fate is still no match for a good porkin’. “Although many find immense satisfaction in eagerly waiting for the postal worker to deliver the latest dispatch from their dearly beloved from whom they’ve been unfairly torn apart, our findings indicate that this phenomenon doesn’t hold a candle to deep-dicking,” said head researcher Roger Patel, adding that all data suggests that the sensation of frantically tearing open an epistle from your dearest darling failed to compete with a good, old-fashioned hard pounding. “There is this false notion that the most divine catharsis comes from desperately craving the touch of your eternal flame, when, in fact, the truth is that this yearning is nothing compared to a blowout fuckfest that leaves you raw and moaning. Even if your star-crossed lover is separated by oceans or mountains, we have been able to prove on a consistent basis that trembling at the thought of reuniting can’t even be put in the same category as bumping uglies all damn night long.” Patel added that their preliminary research has also suggested that pining for your sweetheart’s return doesn’t even compare to a quickie in a public park.


theonion--2020-08-06--Minneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social Workers

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to regain the community ’ s trust and better allocate city resources , Mayor Jacob Frey announced Thursday that Minneapolis would dismantle its current police force and replace it with a new bureau of heavily armed social workers , effective immediately .
The mayor outlined a plan that dramatically restructured the municipality ’ s approach to public safety , replacing its nearly 850 police officers with a similar number of social workers , who would be dispatched to city streets and have at their disposal firearms , bulletproof vests , tear gas , armored vehicles with gun @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their service to the community .
“ Minneapolis has demanded a new model of security , and so today we are reallocating the police department ’ s entire $ 193 million budget to clinical social workers , case managers , and crisis counselors , ” said Frey , confirming members of the newly created bureau would be issued service weapons and assigned to one of several precincts , the heads of which would report to a chief of social work .
“ Why continue asking police to manage this city ’ s homelessness @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can send in social workers—those actually trained in assisting housing-insecure people—to bulldoze our homeless camps and move the inhabitants out at gunpoint ?
” “ We have heard your call , ” Frey added , “ and rest-assured : The next time you contact the authorities , a licensed professional equipped with empathy , emotional intelligence , active listening skills , and a whole lot of firepower will be headed your way.
” Training for the new bureau reportedly includes instruction not only with Glock 20s and Colt M4 Carbines but also in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ techniques , all with the goal of enabling social workers to subdue any adversary encountered while conducting routine domestic checks , meeting with trauma survivors , or visiting a child welfare agency .
Recruits to the bureau acknowledged their work should be easier now that they have the capacity to immediately neutralize every potential threat in their path .
“ As a substance abuse counselor , it ’ s nice to know that if one of my clients starts using again , I can just Taser them and confiscate their stash , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a master of social work degree from the College of St. Scholastica in Duluth and , in addition to a stun gun and sidearm , carries a Remington 700 sniper rifle in the trunk of her squad car .
“ It ’ s so much easier than getting them to go to a meeting.
” “ Usually , if I ’ m worried they ’ re trying to score , we discuss sober-living facilities and ways to avoid common relapse triggers , ” Hughes continued .
“ Now I can make extra sure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ handcuffing them to their bunk at the halfway house.
” According to Mayor Frey , out-of-work former police officers would be eligible to join the social work bureau so long as they earned the appropriate credentials , which would allow them to bring their confrontational impulses and intimidation tactics into both outpatient behavioral health centers and foster care settings .
City officials said they also planned to disband the Minneapolis Police Canine Unit and replace it with a team of local therapy dogs , which would be trained extensively in clamping their jaws @ @ @ @ @ @ @ apart their flesh .
Sheila Bickford , a family therapist in the city for the past 30 years , told reporters her words would carry more weight now that she could enter counseling sessions outfitted with body armor , a ballistic helmet , a riot shield , and a shotgun loaded with less-lethal rounds .
“ You definitely get people ’ s attention when you touch down in front of their home in the Child and Family Services chopper , ” said Bickford , referring to her division ’ s UH-60 Black Hawk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ either listen when I tell them codependency takes a toll on the well-being and quality of your relationships , or they can get knocked down and kicked in the head until they are completely unresponsive .
It ’ s the easy way or the hard way.
” Added Bickford , “ To anyone out there who ’ s struggling , let me say this : We see you , we hear you , and we are here for you , ready to compel your compliance with chemical agents or the butt of an @ @ @

MINNEAPOLIS—In an effort to regain the community’s trust and better allocate city resources, Mayor Jacob Frey announced Thursday that Minneapolis would dismantle its current police force and replace it with a new bureau of heavily armed social workers, effective immediately.
The mayor outlined a plan that dramatically restructured the municipality’s approach to public safety, replacing its nearly 850 police officers with a similar number of social workers, who would be dispatched to city streets and have at their disposal firearms, bulletproof vests, tear gas, armored vehicles with gun turrets, and other tools to enhance their service to the community.
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“Minneapolis has demanded a new model of security, and so today we are reallocating the police department’s entire $193 million budget to clinical social workers, case managers, and crisis counselors,” said Frey, confirming members of the newly created bureau would be issued service weapons and assigned to one of several precincts, the heads of which would report to a chief of social work. “Why continue asking police to manage this city’s homelessness crisis, for example, when we can send in social workers—those actually trained in assisting housing-insecure people—to bulldoze our homeless camps and move the inhabitants out at gunpoint?”
“We have heard your call,” Frey added, “and rest-assured: The next time you contact the authorities, a licensed professional equipped with empathy, emotional intelligence, active listening skills, and a whole lot of firepower will be headed your way.”
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Training for the new bureau reportedly includes instruction not only with Glock 20s and Colt M4 Carbines but also in takedown maneuvers, chokeholds, and baton techniques, all with the goal of enabling social workers to subdue any adversary encountered while conducting routine domestic checks, meeting with trauma survivors, or visiting a child welfare agency.
Recruits to the bureau acknowledged their work should be easier now that they have the capacity to immediately neutralize every potential threat in their path.
Advertisement
“As a substance abuse counselor, it’s nice to know that if one of my clients starts using again, I can just Taser them and confiscate their stash,” said 47-year-old Cindy Hughes, who holds a master of social work degree from the College of St. Scholastica in Duluth and, in addition to a stun gun and sidearm, carries a Remington 700 sniper rifle in the trunk of her squad car. “It’s so much easier than getting them to go to a meeting.”
“Usually, if I’m worried they’re trying to score, we discuss sober-living facilities and ways to avoid common relapse triggers,” Hughes continued. “Now I can make extra sure they stay off the streets by simply handcuffing them to their bunk at the halfway house.”
Advertisement
According to Mayor Frey, out-of-work former police officers would be eligible to join the social work bureau so long as they earned the appropriate credentials, which would allow them to bring their confrontational impulses and intimidation tactics into both outpatient behavioral health centers and foster care settings.
City officials said they also planned to disband the Minneapolis Police Canine Unit and replace it with a team of local therapy dogs, which would be trained extensively in clamping their jaws onto people’s legs and ripping apart their flesh.
Advertisement
Sheila Bickford, a family therapist in the city for the past 30 years, told reporters her words would carry more weight now that she could enter counseling sessions outfitted with body armor, a ballistic helmet, a riot shield, and a shotgun loaded with less-lethal rounds.
“You definitely get people’s attention when you touch down in front of their home in the Child and Family Services chopper,” said Bickford, referring to her division’s UH-60 Black Hawk military surplus helicopter. “They can either listen when I tell them codependency takes a toll on the well-being and quality of your relationships, or they can get knocked down and kicked in the head until they are completely unresponsive. It’s the easy way or the hard way.”
Advertisement
Added Bickford, “To anyone out there who’s struggling, let me say this: We see you, we hear you, and we are here for you, ready to compel your compliance with chemical agents or the butt of an M-16.”


theonion--2020-08-06--Orkin Introduces New Extinction Service For Eliminating Pesky Animal Species

ATLANTA—Insisting no job was too big for their fleet of professional exterminators , pest- control company Orkin announced a new @ @ @ @ @ the elimination of pesky animal species .
“ We ’ re thrilled to expand our @ @ @ @ @ any species from Siberian tigers to Asian elephants , ” said chairman Gary Rollins , @ @ @ @ @ an initial eradication followed weeks later by a second treatment to kill any survivors .
@ @ @ @ @ species can be a real pain , so we ’ ve developed a habitat-wide spray @ @ @ @ @ Our proprietary traps will devastate any irritating g iant p anda , snow leopard , @ @ @ @ @ miles .
We can even annihilate whales , dolphins , or those obnoxious porpoises that @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Orkin had been forced to phase out their extinction service after @ @ @ @ @ been used to eliminate humans .

ATLANTA—Insisting no job was too big for their fleet of professional exterminators, pest- control company Orkin announced a new extinction service Thursday dedicated to the elimination of pesky animal species. “We’re thrilled to expand our pest- control services to include any species from Siberian tigers to Asian elephants,” said chairman Gary Rollins, clarifying that exterminators would provide an initial eradication followed weeks later by a second treatment to kill any survivors. “We know that animal species can be a real pain, so we’ve developed a habitat-wide spray to wipe them out. Our proprietary traps will devastate any irritating g iant p anda, snow leopard, or ivory-billed woodpecker within 100 miles. We can even annihilate whales, dolphins, or those obnoxious porpoises that swim alongside your boat.” At press time, Orkin had been forced to phase out their extinction service after watchdog groups discovered it had been used to eliminate humans.


theonion--2020-08-07--‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Aroun

‘Run! Dear God, Run!’ Screams Woman Who Forgot About Sourdough Starter As Doughy Tendril Wraps Around Throat

CHICAGO—Quickly grabbing for a kitchen knife as the warm , doughy tendril wrapped around her neck , local woman Keira Gardner urged her roommates to “ run , dear God , run ” Friday after the sourdough starter she forgot about burst from its mason jar .
“ For Christ ’ s sake , I ’ ll hold it back , but get out of here while you still can , ” said Gardener , as the rapidly expanding , 400-pound sourdough starter she began as a fun project three months ago emitted a terrifying high-pitched screech , picked her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ against her own kitchen table , which immediately broke in half .
“ Seriously , it ’ s not working !
The yeast is reacting in such a way that every time I hack off a tentacle , three more grow back in its place .
Run !
Before it finds more flour and takes over the whole apartment building.
” At press time , Gardner could be heard screaming “ Mother !
No , w hy !
” right before the sourdough starter swallowed her whole and spit out a totally clean @ @ @

CHICAGO—Quickly grabbing for a kitchen knife as the warm, doughy tendril wrapped around her neck, local woman Keira Gardner urged her roommates to “run, dear God, run” Friday after the sourdough starter she forgot about burst from its mason jar. “For Christ’s sake, I’ll hold it back, but get out of here while you still can,” said Gardener, as the rapidly expanding, 400-pound sourdough starter she began as a fun project three months ago emitted a terrifying high-pitched screech, picked her up, and repeatedly bashed her body against her own kitchen table, which immediately broke in half. “Seriously, it’s not working! The yeast is reacting in such a way that every time I hack off a tentacle, three more grow back in its place. Run! Before it finds more flour and takes over the whole apartment building.” At press time, Gardner could be heard screaming “Mother! No, w hy! ” right before the sourdough starter swallowed her whole and spit out a totally clean human skeleton.


theonion--2020-08-07--NASA Announces Plans To Launch Chimpanzee Into Sun

The scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being @ @ @ @ @ s 27 million-degree plasma core .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

The scientific community is calling the monumental mission a crucial step forward toward better understanding how species react to being deposited into the sun’s 27 million-degree plasma core.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-07--Grocery Prices Spike During Pandemic

Grocery Prices Spike During Pandemic

New data from the Bureau of Economic Analysis shows that the costs of meat , eggs , vegetables , and @ @ @ @ @ up to 20 % since February , in part due to a surge in demand @ @ @ @ @ the supply chain due to the pandemic .
What do you think ?
“ I @ @ @ @ @ the price after getting me hooked on eating.
” “ Sorry , but this is @ @ @ @ @ who depend on food for survival .
”

New data from the Bureau of Economic Analysis shows that the costs of meat, eggs, vegetables, and other staples have increased by up to 20% since February, in part due to a surge in demand for groceries and disruptions to the supply chain due to the pandemic. What do you think?
“I knew they would jack up the price after getting me hooked on eating.” Xavier Santoro, Manifesto Author
“Sorry, but this is only a problem for people who depend on food for survival.” Anthony Touchette, Wig Manufacturer
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theonion--2020-08-07--Dow Skyrockets After Coronavirus Begins Trading On New York Stock Exchange

NEW YORK—With investors highly bullish about the long-term prospects of the respiratory virus , market reports confirmed Friday the Dow @ @ @ @ @ 400 points after the novel coronavirus began trading on the New York Stock Exchange .
@ @ @ @ @ offering , this coronavirus has become the hot new thing on Wall Street , and @ @ @ @ @ be getting a piece of it soon if they haven ’ t already , ” @ @ @ @ @ analyst at Zacks Investment Research , observing that the SARS-CoV-2 virus , which is listed @ @ @ @ @ , traded at incredibly high volumes throughout the day .
“ This is an unusually @ @ @ @ @ are predicting it will see at least six months of straight gains , probably more @ @ @ @ @ SARS in 2003 have we seen an airborne pathogen with such massive growth potential.
” @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus was reportedly in talks to take part in a major merger with Johnson & @ @

NEW YORK—With investors highly bullish about the long-term prospects of the respiratory virus, market reports confirmed Friday the Dow Jones Industrial Average skyrocketed nearly 400 points after the novel coronavirus began trading on the New York Stock Exchange. “Following its initial public offering, this coronavirus has become the hot new thing on Wall Street, and you can bet everyone will be getting a piece of it soon if they haven’t already,” said Darya Abbas, an analyst at Zacks Investment Research, observing that the SARS-CoV-2 virus, which is listed under the ticker symbol COV, traded at incredibly high volumes throughout the day. “This is an unusually strong stock, and we are predicting it will see at least six months of straight gains, probably more. Not since the original SARS in 2003 have we seen an airborne pathogen with such massive growth potential.” At press time, the coronavirus was reportedly in talks to take part in a major merger with Johnson & Johnson.


theonion--2020-08-07--New York Attorney General Files Suit To Dissolve NRA

New York attorney general Letitia James told reporters in a press conference Thursday that her office will attempt to dissolve @ @ @ @ @ alleging years of financial misconduct and corruption as the non-profit group ’ s leaders illegally @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ I count on the NRA to shrug off mass shootings , @ @ @ @ @ dues.
” “ Pretty risky on the NRA ’ s part to spend years arming @ @ @ @ @ ripping off.
” “ This is an outrageous attack on every American ’ s right @ @ @ @ @

New York attorney general Letitia James told reporters in a press conference Thursday that her office will attempt to dissolve the National Rifle Association, alleging years of financial misconduct and corruption as the non-profit group’s leaders illegally enriched themselves. What do you think?
“I count on the NRA to shrug off mass shootings, not misuse my members hip dues.” Myron Hill, Unemployed
“Pretty risky on the NRA’s part to spend years arming the very people they were ripping off.” Bruce Lanza, Former Crossing Guard
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theonion--2020-08-07--Man With Obnoxious Voice Has Been Violently Killed Thousands Of Times In Imaginations Of Others

KALAMAZOO , MI—During a routine visit to a neighborhood coffee shop , local man Dan Billings was reportedly violently killed @ @ @ @ @ in the imagination of anyone within earshot of his completely obnoxious natural voice .
According @ @ @ @ @ guilty to stabbing , bludgeoning , drowning , and disemboweling the 32-year-old personal assistant in @ @ @ @ @ a large coffee and old-fashioned don ut , Billings ’ skin-crawling timbre and cadence has @ @ @ @ @ scores of homicides by hundreds upon hundreds of people who have had the misfortune of @ @ @ @ @ confirmed in the 30 infuriating seconds Billings spent making small talk with the barista , @ @ @ @ @ of jail time would be worth it to make good on their desires to grab @ @ @ @ @ it over his head repeatedly until that aggravating sound stopped blaring from his equally aggravating @ @ @ @ @ , an employee of the café had mentally ripped out Billings ’ vocal cords and @ @ @ @ @ he politely asked for a napkin .

KALAMAZOO, MI—During a routine visit to a neighborhood coffee shop, local man Dan Billings was reportedly violently killed Friday for the thousandth time in the imagination of anyone within earshot of his completely obnoxious natural voice. According to several bystanders who pleaded guilty to stabbing, bludgeoning, drowning, and disemboweling the 32-year-old personal assistant in their minds as he ordered a large coffee and old-fashioned don ut, Billings’ skin-crawling timbre and cadence has made him the victim of scores of homicides by hundreds upon hundreds of people who have had the misfortune of hearing him speak. Sources confirmed in the 30 infuriating seconds Billings spent making small talk with the barista, they unanimously considered any amount of jail time would be worth it to make good on their desires to grab a nearby bottle and smash it over his head repeatedly until that aggravating sound stopped blaring from his equally aggravating face. At press time, an employee of the café had mentally ripped out Billings’ vocal cords and strangled him to death as he politely asked for a napkin.


theonion--2020-08-07--Cardboard Fan In Stable Condition After Being Hit By Foul Ball

BOSTON—Assuring Red Sox Nation that the cutout would make a full recovery , General Manager Brian O ’ Halloran told @ @ @ @ @ fan was in stable condition after being hit by a foul ball .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ accident , but thankfully the fan will come away from this incident with just a @ @ @ @ @ ” said O ’ Halloran , who commended paramedics for rushing to the scene and @ @ @ @ @ head back on before it was too late .
“ The safety of our fans @ @ @ @ @ We ’ re lucky that the cardboard man is okay after that close call .
@ @ @ @ @ re giving him season tickets for life.
” In a related report , a Nationals–Orioles @ @ @ @ @ cardboard fan succumbed to a thunderstorm .

BOSTON—Assuring Red Sox Nation that the cutout would make a full recovery, General Manager Brian O’Halloran told reporters Friday that a cardboard fan was in stable condition after being hit by a foul ball. “We were all horrified by the accident, but thankfully the fan will come away from this incident with just a few dents and crumples,” said O’Halloran, who commended paramedics for rushing to the scene and taping the cutout’s head back on before it was too late. “The safety of our fans is our top priority. We’re lucky that the cardboard man is okay after that close call. Rest assured, we’re giving him season tickets for life.” In a related report, a Nationals–Orioles game was suspended after a cardboard fan succumbed to a thunderstorm.


theonion--2020-08-07--The Onion’s Guide To QAnon

The Onion’s Guide To QAnon

The increasingly popular conspiracy theory QAnon was recently the target of a Twitter crackdown , and several of its adherents are running for office across the country .
But what is QAnon , exactly ?
The Onion breaks down the conspiracy theory with its guide to QAnon .
A : A conspiracy theory that posits world leaders are secretly evil rather than openly so .
Q : What do QAnon supporters believe ?
A : That by working together , they can discover a renewed sense of purpose and community .
A : Oh no , did no one tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ treason this morning .
Q : How do members communicate with each other ?
Q : Do all QAnon supporters share the same beliefs ?
A : No—fundamentalists tend to read the QAnon text literally , while evangelicals believe it ’ s an allegory for President Trump ’ s unfair treatment .
Q : How did Twitter crack down on these dangerous conspiracy theories ?
A : They were immediately removed after being shared thousands of times .
Q : Is QAnon part of the mainstream Republican Party ?
A : No , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on race , religion , and politics is totally coincidental .
Q : Shouldn ’ t the fact that Hillary Clinton hasn ’ t been arrested yet disprove the whole conspiracy ?
A : Only if you believe that an all-knowing figurehead like Q should somehow be able to know things .
Q : Is imagining clandestine government intrigue more palatable than dwelling on the reality that the American people are under complete control of international corporate interests ?
Q : You ’ re answering my questions in the exact way that someone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ discredit QAnon would , aren ’ t you ?
A : That would be some real 5D chess , huh ?

The increasingly popular conspiracy theory QAnon was recently the target of a Twitter crackdown, and several of its adherents are running for office across the country. But what is QAnon, exactly? The Onion breaks down the conspiracy theory with its guide to QAnon.
Q: What is QAnon?
A: A conspiracy theory that posits world leaders are secretly evil rather than openly so.
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Q: What do QAnon supporters believe?
A: That by working together, they can discover a renewed sense of purpose and community.
Advertisement Advertisement
Q: Who is Q?
A: Oh no, did no one tell you? The cabal executed him for treason this morning.
Q: How do members communicate with each other?
A: In the comments beneath a mutual friend’s completely unrelated Facebook post.
Q: Do all QAnon supporters share the same beliefs?
A: No—fundamentalists tend to read the QAnon text literally, while evangelicals believe it’s an allegory for President Trump’s unfair treatment.
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Q: How did Twitter crack down on these dangerous conspiracy theories?
A: They were immediately removed after being shared thousands of times.
Q: Is QAnon part of the mainstream Republican Party?
A: No, the fact that they share similar views on race, religion, and politics is totally coincidental.
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Q: Shouldn’t the fact that Hillary Clinton hasn’t been arrested yet disprove the whole conspiracy?
A: Only if you believe that an all-knowing figurehead like Q should somehow be able to know things.
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Q: Is imagining clandestine government intrigue more palatable than dwelling on the reality that the American people are under complete control of international corporate interests?
A: Yes.
Q: You’re answering my questions in the exact way that someone who’s been paid off to discredit QAnon would, aren’t you?
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A: That would be some real 5D chess, huh?


theonion--2020-08-10--Undecided Voter Looking Forward To Learning More About Donald Trump During Campaign

RALEIGH , NC—Acknowledging his blind spots in regard to the upcoming presidential election , local undecided voter Kenneth McGraw announced Monday that he was looking forward to learning more about Republican candidate Donald Trump over the course of his campaign .
“ I ’ ve definitely heard of Donald Trump , but I haven ’ t taken the time to look into the details of his politics , ” said the furniture salesman , adding that it was his duty as an American citizen to thoroughly research the candidate before committing his vote to him .
“ I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a few episodes of The Apprentice , but beyond that , I want to know what kind of president he would make .
For instance , I just found out that he is a father and husband—family is very important to me .
Hopefully , his campaign plans to spend some money on television advertisements so I can hear about his vision for America in the coming days and months .
Or maybe the newspaper will print some articles that get into his policy proposals .
That would definitely help me get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can make an informed decision come November .
Wow , see , I just learned that he likes golfing just like me.
” At press time , McGraw admitted he hasn ’ t yet heard who Trump ’ s opponent will be but plans to set some time aside to research that as well .

RALEIGH, NC—Acknowledging his blind spots in regard to the upcoming presidential election, local undecided voter Kenneth McGraw announced Monday that he was looking forward to learning more about Republican candidate Donald Trump over the course of his campaign. “I’ve definitely heard of Donald Trump, but I haven’t taken the time to look into the details of his politics,” said the furniture salesman, adding that it was his duty as an American citizen to thoroughly research the candidate before committing his vote to him. “I’ve seen photos of him, as well as a few episodes of The Apprentice, but beyond that, I want to know what kind of president he would make. For instance, I just found out that he is a father and husband—family is very important to me. Hopefully, his campaign plans to spend some money on television advertisements so I can hear about his vision for America in the coming days and months. Or maybe the newspaper will print some articles that get into his policy proposals. That would definitely help me get to know him better so that I can make an informed decision come November. Wow, see, I just learned that he likes golfing just like me.” At press time, McGraw admitted he hasn’t yet heard who Trump’s opponent will be but plans to set some time aside to research that as well.


theonion--2020-08-10--L’Oréal Introduces New Smudge-Proof Lipstick Able To Withstand Getting Hit By Bus

CLICHY , FRANCE—Touting the product ’ s ability to keep clean , perfect lines even while dragged against rough asphalt or pavement , L ’ Oreal introduced Monday their new smudge-proof lipstick that ’ s able to withstand getting hit by a bus .
“ Enhanced with new colors and scents , this all-day , high-impact lipstick is guaranteed to keep you looking chic even while you ’ re getting crushed beneath a 20-ton vehicle , ” said L ’ Oréal spokesperson Charlotte Boucher , who added that the new lipstick was guaranteed to last up to 24 hours , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a bus and slam directly into windshield , or get caught on its bumper and are pulled face-down along the highway screaming for your life .
“ Whether you ’ re hit at 60 mph and are splattered across the pavement or sucked up into bus ’ s grill and have to be pulled out by the jaws of life , L ’ Oréal will make sure you ’ re just as kissable as the minute you put your lipstick on .
With L ’ Oréal , it ’ s simple—the rest of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ treads but your lips won ’ t be.
” At press time , L ’ Oréal had unveiled a new line of extra glossy highlighters to help first responders locate the remainder of their customers ’ faces .

CLICHY, FRANCE—Touting the product’s ability to keep clean, perfect lines even while dragged against rough asphalt or pavement, L’Oreal introduced Monday their new smudge-proof lipstick that’s able to withstand getting hit by a bus. “Enhanced with new colors and scents, this all-day, high-impact lipstick is guaranteed to keep you looking chic even while you’re getting crushed beneath a 20-ton vehicle,” said L’Oréal spokesperson Charlotte Boucher, who added that the new lipstick was guaranteed to last up to 24 hours, even if you step in front of a bus and slam directly into windshield, or get caught on its bumper and are pulled face-down along the highway screaming for your life. “Whether you’re hit at 60 mph and are splattered across the pavement or sucked up into bus’s grill and have to be pulled out by the jaws of life, L’Oréal will make sure you’re just as kissable as the minute you put your lipstick on. With L’Oréal, it’s simple—the rest of you might be smudged by the tire treads but your lips won’t be.” At press time, L’Oréal had unveiled a new line of extra glossy highlighters to help first responders locate the remainder of their customers’ faces.


theonion--2020-08-10--Severely Injured Woman Heroically Fights Off Paramedics Trying To Force Her Into Medical Debt

Hear how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants , and what you should watch out for @ @ @ @ @ your way .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

Hear how this woman was able to fend off her would-be assailants, and what you should watch out for if you hear sirens headed your way.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-10--Italian Police ID Man Who Broke Toes Off 200-Year-Old Statue

Police in Possagno , Italy say they have identified an Austrian man who accidentally broke three toes off a plaster @ @ @ @ @ Antonio Canova while posing on the artwork for a photo , though the local court @ @ @ @ @ press charges .
What do you think ?
“ Look , if museums don ’ @ @ @ @ @ artwork they should put up signs saying so.
” “ I mean , the statue @ @ @ @ @ that good if a simple Austrian could break it .
”

Police in Possagno, Italy say they have identified an Austrian man who accidentally broke three toes off a plaster model used by Neoclassical sculptor Antonio Canova while posing on the artwork for a photo, though the local court is still deciding whether to press charges. What do you think?
“Nothing a pair of sock s can’t solve.” Joe Barbour • Systems Analyst
“Look, if museums don’t want people touching the artwork they should put up signs saying so.” Ken MacBain • Confectionery Professor
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theonion--2020-08-10--New Zealand Marks 100 Days Without New Coronavirus Case

Prime Minister Jacinda Arden announced Sunday that New Zealand has effectively stopped the transmission of Covid-19 through strict border control @ @ @ @ @ 100 days since the last reported domestic case .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ beautiful there , but I think I would miss the coronaviru s. ” “ Big @ @ @ @ @ that too if we cared about people.
” “ Another interesting fact is New Zealand @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Prime Minister Jacinda Arden announced Sunday that New Zealand has effectively stopped the transmission of Covid-19 through strict border control and lockdown measures, marking 100 days since the last reported domestic case. What do you think?
“I hear it’s beautiful there, but I think I would miss the coronaviru s.” Tony Ghiazza • Unemployed
“Big deal, America could do that too if we cared about people.” Rufus Goldstone • Coffee Grinder
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theonion--2020-08-10--Robin Regurgitating Food For Chicks Makes Sure To Save Best Bites In Back Of Throat For Herself

LANSING , MI—Already looking forward to the secret snack , a local robin regurgitating food for its chicks Monday reportedly @ @ @ @ @ best bites in the back of her throat for herself .
“ They ’ re @ @ @ @ @ s not like they can really appreciate a good , fresh earthworm anyway , ” @ @ @ @ @ brushed aside her guilt by explaining her hatchlings could barely tell the difference between cricket @ @ @ @ @ chicks will always come first , but if I ’ m doing all the work @ @ @ @ @ I should get some of the choice bits for myself .
I had to sit @ @ @ @ @ , so this is my little reward .
Truly , they ’ d just eat @ @ @ @ @ could.
” At press time , the robin ’ s hatchlings were asking what she @ @ @ @ @ .

LANSING, MI—Already looking forward to the secret snack, a local robin regurgitating food for its chicks Monday reportedly made sure to save the best bites in the back of her throat for herself. “They’re so young, it’s not like they can really appreciate a good, fresh earthworm anyway,” said the robin, who brushed aside her guilt by explaining her hatchlings could barely tell the difference between cricket and beetle. “My chicks will always come first, but if I’m doing all the work, it makes sense that I should get some of the choice bits for myself. I had to sit on their eggs for days, so this is my little reward. Truly, they’d just eat bread every night if they could.” At press time, the robin’s hatchlings were asking what she had after noticing her swallow.


theonion--2020-08-10--Bad News: Toad Died

Bad News: Toad Died

Hello everyone , it pains us to do this , but we have some really bad news .
Mario ’ @ @ @ @ @ last night surrounded by his friends and family after a long battle with pancreatic cancer @ @ @ @ @ be best if you heard it from us first .
Obviously , this is a @ @ @ @ @ community .
Living in a world without Toad around is going to be an unbearable @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ ll get through this together .
That ’ s all we have @ @ @ @ @ right now .
Sorry about this , gamers .
Sorry .

Hello everyone, it pains us to do this, but we have some really bad news. Mario’s longtime sidekick Toad died last night surrounded by his friends and family after a long battle with pancreatic cancer.
We figured it would be best if you heard it from us first.
Obviously, this is a huge blow to the gaming community. Living in a world without Toad around is going to be an unbearable adjustment. With that said, we’ll get through this together. That’s all we have to say on the matter right now. Sorry about this, gamers. Sorry.


theonion--2020-08-10--Documentary Filmmaker Strikes Gold Interviewing Huge Fucking Weirdo

NEW BRUNSWICK , NJ—Struggling to hide his excitement about his good fortune , documentary filmmaker Cameron McCrae had reportedly struck gold Monday by interviewing a huge fucking weirdo .
“ Jackpot !
Not only does this guy look strange , but he just talks in this way that ’ s completely odd yet totally memorable , ” said McCrae , adding that his last-minute interview of the peculiarly voiced , bizarrel y attired behavioral scientist for his documentary about an unsolved murder was the best goddamn artistic decision he ever made .
“ Sure , he doesn ’ t really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of my film , but if you ’ ve got this much of a total freak saying all this weird shit on camera , this is catnip for my audience .
He ’ s instantly magnetic—you just want to know , like , what the hell is going on with this guy ?
How did I not know that this total nutcase was just wandering around out there ?
His off-putting home decor , the inexplicable shit on his bookshelves , his freaky mannerisms—it ’ s perfect .
I ’ m making him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ won ’ t be able to resist clicking on my documentary to find out what the hell ’ s up with this guy.
” McCrae added that he couldn ’ t believe his goddamn luck after learning that the huge fucking weirdo had a twin who wanted to be interviewed too .

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—Struggling to hide his excitement about his good fortune, documentary filmmaker Cameron McCrae had reportedly struck gold Monday by interviewing a huge fucking weirdo. “Jackpot! Not only does this guy look strange, but he just talks in this way that’s completely odd yet totally memorable,” said McCrae, adding that his last-minute interview of the peculiarly voiced, bizarrel y attired behavioral scientist for his documentary about an unsolved murder was the best goddamn artistic decision he ever made. “Sure, he doesn’t really have anything to do with the subject of my film, but if you’ve got this much of a total freak saying all this weird shit on camera, this is catnip for my audience. He’s instantly magnetic—you just want to know, like, what the hell is going on with this guy? How did I not know that this total nutcase was just wandering around out there? His off-putting home decor, the inexplicable shit on his bookshelves, his freaky mannerisms—it’s perfect. I’m making him the Netflix thumbnail for sure. People won’t be able to resist clicking on my documentary to find out what the hell’s up with this guy.” McCrae added that he couldn’t believe his goddamn luck after learning that the huge fucking weirdo had a twin who wanted to be interviewed too.


theonion--2020-08-11--Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 11, 2020

Unfortunately for your dream of having multiple gorgeous sex partners , attitudes toward sex will become much more open-minded just @ @ @ @ @ personal hygiene go right down the tubes .

Aries | March 21 to April 19
The gods do indeed enjoy playing games with our lives—tempting us with power and driving us mad with hubris—but you, they just enjoy seeing get hit in the balls.


theonion--2020-08-11--Eurovision Bringing Song Contest To America

The producers of the Eurovision Song Contest , an annual singing competition that features musicians from countries across Europe , @ @ @ @ @ of the show set to debut in 2021 .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ a revolution to liberate ourselves from European song contests.
” “ Hey , that ’ @ @ @ @ @ could really use another stupid fucking thing right now.
” “ America is more than @ @ @ @ @ next mediocre musical sensation .
”

The producers of the Eurovision Song Contest, an annual singing competition that features musicians from countries across Europe, announced a new American version of the show set to debut in 2021. What do you think?
“Sorry, but we fought a revolution to liberate ourselves from European song contests.” Neil Talmage • Tire Repair Expert
“Hey, that’s perfect. The U.S. could really use another stupid fucking thing right now.” StanLE y Carlberg • Gem Polisher
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theonion--2020-08-11--13-Year-Old Mourns Loss Of Youth Upon Realizing He No Longer Feels Anything About Monster Trucks

SAVANNAH , GA—Expressing concerns about the jaded , indifferent person he had apparently become , local 13-year-old Jay Eggers confided to reporters Tuesday that he had mourned the loss of his youth since realizing he no longer felt anything when watching or thinking about monster trucks .
“ I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that little boy who fell in love with Gravedigger and the Carolina Crusher , ” said Eggers , observing that when his uncle surprised him for his birthday with tickets to a truck rally at nearby Oglethorpe Speedway , he was forced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Xtermigator would be competing with a new and sick-looking custom-built chassis .
“ I don ’ t even know who that kid is anymore , the one who felt such pure , innocent , adrenaline-fueled joy every time Monster Mutt mashed its throttle .
The other day I watched a video of a truck with 66-inch tires doing a sky wheelie as it crushed half a dozen flaming junk cars , and it left me feeling completely empty inside .
It sucks , but I suppose everyone has to grow up sometime.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as though the only things that still made him feel alive were fighter jet flyovers , NASCAR races , and the promise of a new Pro Motocross season .

SAVANNAH, GA—Expressing concerns about the jaded, indifferent person he had apparently become, local 13-year-old Jay Eggers confided to reporters Tuesday that he had mourned the loss of his youth since realizing he no longer felt anything when watching or thinking about monster trucks. “I look in the mirror and wonder what happened to that little boy who fell in love with Gravedigger and the Carolina Crusher,” said Eggers, observing that when his uncle surprised him for his birthday with tickets to a truck rally at nearby Oglethorpe Speedway, he was forced to feign excitement despite news that fan-favorite Xtermigator would be competing with a new and sick-looking custom-built chassis. “I don’t even know who that kid is anymore, the one who felt such pure, innocent, adrenaline-fueled joy every time Monster Mutt mashed its throttle. The other day I watched a video of a truck with 66-inch tires doing a sky wheelie as it crushed half a dozen flaming junk cars, and it left me feeling completely empty inside. It sucks, but I suppose everyone has to grow up sometime.” The seventh-grader added that sometimes it seemed as though the only things that still made him feel alive were fighter jet flyovers, NASCAR races, and the promise of a new Pro Motocross season.


theonion--2020-08-11--Friend In Passenger Seat Working In Some Creative Flourishes In Ghostwritten Text Message To Driver’

Friend In Passenger Seat Working In Some Creative Flourishes In Ghostwritten Text Message To Driver’s Mom

PA PILLION , NE— Tapping deep into his imagination as he composed the message from the passenger seat , local man James Burditt was reportedly working in some creative flourishes Tuesday in the ghostwritten text to his friend ’ s mom .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong , what he told me to type was a good start , but there are a few weak points we could definitely refine , ” said Burditt , who assured his friend he was just trying to get past the lock screen as he pulled up an online thesaurus to look @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ ‘ Be home at 11 ’ is just , I don ’ t know , a bit stiff .
I ’ m going to tack on an ‘ if that sounds alright with you ’ to soften things up .
Now the only question is if I say ‘ I love you , mom.
’ Is that too on the nose ?
Maybe I ’ ll do a heart emoji instead .
It ’ s better to show than tell.
” At press time , Burditt had decided to tell his friend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ injured in a terrible accident after realiz ing it was easier to write in his own voice .

PA PILLION, NE— Tapping deep into his imagination as he composed the message from the passenger seat, local man James Burditt was reportedly working in some creative flourishes Tuesday in the ghostwritten text to his friend’s mom. “Don’t get me wrong, what he told me to type was a good start, but there are a few weak points we could definitely refine,” said Burditt, who assured his friend he was just trying to get past the lock screen as he pulled up an online thesaurus to look for another word for “good.” “ ‘ Be home at 11’ is just, I don’t know, a bit stiff. I’m going to tack on an ‘if that sounds alright with you’ to soften things up. Now the only question is if I say ‘I love you, mom.’ Is that too on the nose? Maybe I’ll do a heart emoji instead. It’s better to show than tell.” At press time, Burditt had decided to tell his friend’s mother her son had been injured in a terrible accident after realiz ing it was easier to write in his own voice.


theonion--2020-08-11--McDonald’s Sues Ousted CEO Alleging Relationships With Staffers

McDonald ’ s is suing former CEO Steve Easterbrook to recover $ 42 million in stock-based benefits and $ 670,000 @ @ @ @ @ investigation found Easterbrook destroyed evidence and lied about sexual relationships with several employees .
What @ @ @ @ @ That ’ s wh y it ’ s never good to get your love life @ @ @ @ @ “ It must be weird for McDonald ’ s to be the ones demanding their @ @ @ @ @ ”

McDonald’s is suing former CEO Steve Easterbrook to recover $42 million in stock-based benefits and $670,000 in severance pay after an investigation found Easterbrook destroyed evidence and lied about sexual relationships with several employees. What do you think?
“That’s wh y it’s never good to get your love life mixed up with hamburgers.” Solomon Boyd • Systems Analyst
“Big deal. I fuck in McDonald’s all the time.” Shauna Klimek • Junior Detective
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theonion--2020-08-11--Devin Booker On Secret To Suns’ Bubble Success: ‘Phoenix Fucking Sucks’

ORLANDO—After a blazing six- win start since the NBA restarted its season , Suns guard Devin Booker explained to reporters Tuesday that the team ’ s succession the bubble can be attributed to the fact that Phoenix fucking sucks .
“ We had a rough start to the season , but the second we got out of that scorching hellhole , everyone ’ s morale shot through the roof and we really started to gel as a team , ” said Booker , who put the blame for the team prior struggles squarely on the burden of everyday exposure to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ food , houses , government , parks , highways , museums , architecture , and people .
“ There is way more to do in the bubble than goddamn Phoenix .
No more endless , identical neighborhoods and no dumbass Suns fans asking for autographs .
It ’ s like a weight has been lifted from our shoulders and we can finally breathe free .
I hope the pandemic goes on forever.
” At press time , every single member of the Suns roster was asking to be traded or cut as soon @ @ @ @ @

ORLANDO—After a blazing six- win start since the NBA restarted its season, Suns guard Devin Booker explained to reporters Tuesday that the team’s succession the bubble can be attributed to the fact that Phoenix fucking sucks. “We had a rough start to the season, but the second we got out of that scorching hellhole, everyone’s morale shot through the roof and we really started to gel as a team,” said Booker, who put the blame for the team prior struggles squarely on the burden of everyday exposure to Phoenix’s art, weather, food, houses, government, parks, highways, museums, architecture, and people. “There is way more to do in the bubble than goddamn Phoenix. No more endless, identical neighborhoods and no dumbass Suns fans asking for autographs. It’s like a weight has been lifted from our shoulders and we can finally breathe free. I hope the pandemic goes on forever.” At press time, every single member of the Suns roster was asking to be traded or cut as soon as the season ended.


theonion--2020-08-11--Chicago PD Condemns Black Lives Matter For Creating Violent Vortex Of Wind That Destroyed Property

CHICAGO—Promising that those responsible for the widespread damage would soon be held accountable , Chicago Police Department officials condemned Black Lives Matter protesters Tuesday for creating a violent vortex of wind that destroyed property .
“ In summoning severe wind gusts to uproot trees and tear roofs off buildings , Black Lives Matter protesters have committed a reprehensible act of violence against our city , ” said Superintendent of Police David Brown , who questioned how ripping down power lines and sending tree trunks flying into parked cars even aligned with the group ’ s purported values .
“ Our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assembly , but controlling pressure systems is never an acceptable form of protest .
We have it on good authority that some of these guys were moving through the city at speeds of 80 mph .
Darkening the sky and creating powerful displays of thunder and lightning is nothing but a fear tactic .
And , of course , they ’ re now going to expect us to help repair the damage they ’ ve inflicted on their own communities.
” At press time , Brown had also condemned a ntifa members in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the sky and shooting them 100 feet through the air .

CHICAGO—Promising that those responsible for the widespread damage would soon be held accountable, Chicago Police Department officials condemned Black Lives Matter protesters Tuesday for creating a violent vortex of wind that destroyed property. “In summoning severe wind gusts to uproot trees and tear roofs off buildings, Black Lives Matter protesters have committed a reprehensible act of violence against our city,” said Superintendent of Police David Brown, who questioned how ripping down power lines and sending tree trunks flying into parked cars even aligned with the group’s purported values. “Our constitution may grant us the freedom of assembly, but controlling pressure systems is never an acceptable form of protest. We have it on good authority that some of these guys were moving through the city at speeds of 80 mph . Darkening the sky and creating powerful displays of thunder and lightning is nothing but a fear tactic. And, of course, they’re now going to expect us to help repair the damage they’ve inflicted on their own communities.” At press time, Brown had also condemned a ntifa members in rural Illinois for sucking up cows into the sky and shooting them 100 feet through the air.


theonion--2020-08-11--Secret Service Escort Trump From Press Briefing To Fulfill Promise Of Letting President Watch Them S

Secret Service Escort Trump From Press Briefing To Fulfill Promise Of Letting President Watch Them Shoot Someone

WASHINGTON—Clarifying their actions surr ounding their abrupt removal of the president from the White House press room , Secret Service officials confirmed to reporters Tuesday that they had escorted Donald Trump from his briefing to fulfill their promise of letting him watch them shoot someone .
“ As soon as we heard reports of an armed suspect on White House grounds , we immediately moved the president to a secure location where he ’ d be able to watch us fill that bastard with lead , ” said Secret Service director James M. Murray , commending agents for quickly springing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ neutralize the threat of the president not getting to see a guy get shot in front of his eyes .
“ Of course , ensuring the president has a front-row seat to our agents mowing down a guy in the Rose Garden is Secret Service protocol , but we don ’ t always see it put into action , unfortunately .
It was an incredibly stressful moment , especially trying to usher him into position , but I was so relieved to see that big smile on the president ’ s face .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ President Trump ’ s tenure , especially in Lafayette Square back in June , so we ’ re just glad we were able to get him out there yesterday in time to watch the whole thing unfold.
” The Secret Service also confirmed that they had taken the additional step of sequestering Vice President Mike Pence at an unspecified remote location during the threat so that he could watch the agents shoot someone through a telescope .

WASHINGTON—Clarifying their actions surr ounding their abrupt removal of the president from the White House press room, Secret Service officials confirmed to reporters Tuesday that they had escorted Donald Trump from his briefing to fulfill their promise of letting him watch them shoot someone. “As soon as we heard reports of an armed suspect on White House grounds, we immediately moved the president to a secure location where he’d be able to watch us fill that bastard with lead,” said Secret Service director James M. Murray, commending agents for quickly springing into action to interrupt the briefing and neutralize the threat of the president not getting to see a guy get shot in front of his eyes. “Of course, ensuring the president has a front-row seat to our agents mowing down a guy in the Rose Garden is Secret Service protocol, but we don’t always see it put into action, unfortunately. It was an incredibly stressful moment, especially trying to usher him into position, but I was so relieved to see that big smile on the president’s face. There have been some close calls over President Trump’s tenure, especially in Lafayette Square back in June, so we’re just glad we were able to get him out there yesterday in time to watch the whole thing unfold.” The Secret Service also confirmed that they had taken the additional step of sequestering Vice President Mike Pence at an unspecified remote location during the threat so that he could watch the agents shoot someone through a telescope.


Most Glorious Flames

When we drowned the old couch in waves of crimson and amber hues , we discovered in ourselves the essential @ @

When we drowned the old couch in waves of crimson and amber hues, we discovered in ourselves the essential truth.


theonion--2020-08-11--Spotify To Stop Paying Artists For Time In Songs When They’re Not Singing

STOCKHOLM—In an effort to crack down on “ bad actors ” manipulating their algorithm , streaming giant Spotify announced plans Tuesday to stop paying artists for the time in songs when they aren ’ t singing .
“ We ’ ve finally decided to take action against the countless musicians who have scammed this service by just playing a guitar or piano for minutes on end , ” said spokesperson Shanon Cook , adding that artists would not be compensated for non-verbal forms of communication such as humming , whistling , and hand clapping .
“ Frankly , vocalists have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on our platform .
From here on out , you ’ ll need to be singing for a minimum of three-quarters of a song if you expect to be paid .
We ’ re also going to come down hard on made-up lyrics like ‘ ba-da-da-da ’ or just repeating the word ‘ yeah.
’ And don ’ t even think about sneaking a vocal on an instrumental track , you won ’ t see a crumb.
” At press time , Spotify announced plans to require artists to pay a fee to @ @ @ @ @ @ @

STOCKHOLM—In an effort to crack down on “bad actors” manipulating their algorithm, streaming giant Spotify announced plans Tuesday to stop paying artists for the time in songs when they aren’t singing. “We’ve finally decided to take action against the countless musicians who have scammed this service by just playing a guitar or piano for minutes on end,” said spokesperson Shanon Cook, adding that artists would not be compensated for non-verbal forms of communication such as humming, whistling, and hand clapping. “Frankly, vocalists have had it too good for too long on our platform. From here on out, you’ll need to be singing for a minimum of three-quarters of a song if you expect to be paid. We’re also going to come down hard on made-up lyrics like ‘ba-da-da-da’ or just repeating the word ‘yeah.’ And don’t even think about sneaking a vocal on an instrumental track, you won’t see a crumb.” At press time, Spotify announced plans to require artists to pay a fee to upload music tracks onto the service.


theonion--2020-08-11--Trump, Biden Campaigns Unveil Bold New Mouth Sounds

We have the latest on the coughs , hisses , hard swallows , lip smacks , and phlegmy throat clearings @ @ @ @ @ campaign .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

We have the latest on the coughs, hisses, hard swallows, lip smacks, and phlegmy throat clearings at the forefront of each campaign.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-12--Local School District To Require Students To Attend Online Classes At Massive, Open-Concept Computer

Local School District To Require Students To Attend Online Classes At Massive, Open-Concept Computer Lab

SAVANNAH , GA—In an effort to make virtual learning readily accessible to every child in kindergarten through 12th grade , the Savannah-Chatham County Public School System announced plans Wednesday to require all students to attend online classes in one massive , open-concept computer lab .
“ We ’ re happy to provide our approximately 37,000 students with this large room where they can complete their coursework , participate in Zoom calls with teachers , and access class discussion boards—all without having to set foot in a traditional classroom , ” said superintendent M. Ann Levett , describing the windowless 100,000-square-foot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ages will sit side-by-side at long folding tables and use desktop PCs to access the school district ’ s web-based distance-learning environment .
“ While the coronavirus has presented educators with a problem that has no perfect solution , we believe we have found an equitable approach that allows children to learn in a comfortable setting without ever having to wear a mask .
And they won ’ t be staring at a screen all day , either .
During break time , students can play together or simply relax in the adjacent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a communal recreation area.
” At press time , Levett told reporters that in preparation for the start of school , her district had mandated virus tests , and the results had come back negative for all 37,000 computers .

SAVANNAH, GA—In an effort to make virtual learning readily accessible to every child in kindergarten through 12th grade, the Savannah-Chatham County Public School System announced plans Wednesday to require all students to attend online classes in one massive, open-concept computer lab. “We’re happy to provide our approximately 37,000 students with this large room where they can complete their coursework, participate in Zoom calls with teachers, and access class discussion boards—all without having to set foot in a traditional classroom,” said superintendent M. Ann Levett, describing the windowless 100,000-square-foot warehouse space in which pupils of all ages will sit side-by-side at long folding tables and use desktop PCs to access the school district’s web-based distance-learning environment. “While the coronavirus has presented educators with a problem that has no perfect solution, we believe we have found an equitable approach that allows children to learn in a comfortable setting without ever having to wear a mask. And they won’t be staring at a screen all day, either. During break time, students can play together or simply relax in the adjacent auto-repair garage, which will serve as a communal recreation area.” At press time, Levett told reporters that in preparation for the start of school, her district had mandated virus tests, and the results had come back negative for all 37,000 computers.


theonion--2020-08-12--TikTok Apologizes After Inadvertently Giving Platform To Thousands Of Theater Kids

The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos .
Hear how the company is @ @ @ @ @ platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The popular social media app is in hot water after some dangerously sincere videos. Hear how the company is backtracking today after having their platform flooded with millions of videos featuring insufferable high school drama club students.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-12--Weirdly Pro-Life French’s Ad Says Embryo Can Taste America’s Favorite Mustard As Early As 6 Weeks

SPRINGFIELD , MO—Prominently displaying various warnings , including that “ the cravings begin at 18 days , ” French ’ s reportedly came under fire Wednesday after a series of new , oddly pro-life billboards said that an embryo can taste America ’ s favorite mustard as early as six weeks .
“ Mom , if you ’ re reading this , I wanted to thank you for not only choosing life but also French ’ s for all our burgers , hot dogs , and french fries , ” read the confusing 14-by-48-feet ads , which reportedly appeared out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sucking on a bottle of French ’ s mustard , as well as various embryos at different stages of taste development labeled “ classic , ” “ Dijon horseradish , ” and “ stone ground bourbon.
” “ At just 6 weeks old , I ’ m no bigger than a pea , but I already know that I love the tangy , irresistible zing of vinegar and spices that French ’ s brings to any barbecue .
So tell me—if I have a beating heart and a love for classic condiments—do I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , several French ’ s employees were arrested after an oddly pro-life viral stunt where they shot up a Planned Parenthood .

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Prominently displaying various warnings, including that “the cravings begin at 18 days,” French’s reportedly came under fire Wednesday after a series of new, oddly pro-life billboards said that an embryo can taste America’s favorite mustard as early as six weeks. “Mom, if you’re reading this, I wanted to thank you for not only choosing life but also French’s for all our burgers, hot dogs, and french fries,” read the confusing 14-by-48-feet ads, which reportedly appeared out of nowhere and showed a wide-eyed newborn sucking on a bottle of French’s mustard, as well as various embryos at different stages of taste development labeled “classic,” “Dijon horseradish,” and “stone ground bourbon.” “At just 6 weeks old, I’m no bigger than a pea, but I already know that I love the tangy, irresistible zing of vinegar and spices that French’s brings to any barbecue. So tell me—if I have a beating heart and a love for classic condiments—do I deserve to die?” At press time, several French’s employees were arrested after an oddly pro-life viral stunt where they shot up a Planned Parenthood.


theonion--2020-08-12--How To Fix The USPS Financial Crisis

How To Fix The USPS Financial Crisis

The United States Postal Service has come under fire from elected officials for a variety of financial issues , while @ @ @ @ @ upcoming presidential election create additional burdens for the federal agency .
The Onion looks at @ @ @ @ @ financial crisis .
Require all stamps to have even smaller stamps in upper-right corner .
@ @ @ @ @ start delivering on Sundays .
Postpone getting doors for mail trucks yet again .
Stop @ @ @ @ @ hazardous reptiles .
Consider appointing a postmaster general without millions in FedEx stock .
Fire @ @ @ @ @ north Decatur location .
Incredibly rude !
Rename post offices after Confederate generals to interest @ @ @ @ @ Replace all pensions with really nice “ thank you ” viral campaign .

The United States Postal Service has come under fire from elected officials for a variety of financial issues, while the coronavirus pandemic and the upcoming presidential election create additional burdens for the federal agency. The Onion looks at ways to fix the USPS financial crisis.
Require all stamps to have even smaller stamps in upper-right corner.
Ask God for permission to start delivering on Sundays.
Postpone getting doors for mail trucks yet again.
Murder celebrities in large numbers to jumpstart commemorative stamp offerings.
Stop being such candy-asses about mailing hazardous reptiles.
Consider appointing a postmaster general without millions in FedEx stock.
Fire that toothy woman at the north Decatur location. Incredibly rude!
Rename post offices after Confederate generals to interest Republicans in protecting them.
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Reduce deliveries to single annual Mail Day holiday.
Replace all pensions with really nice “thank you” viral campaign.


theonion--2020-08-12--Mauritians Use Hair To Help Contain Oil Spill

Volunteers on the island nation of Mauritius are building floating barriers made of donated human hair , stockings , and @ @ @ @ @ the spread of oil from a Japanese tanker that ran aground on a reef two @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ No ecological disa ster is big enough to make me part @ @ @ @ @ Once again , the bald have absolutely nothing to contribute to society.
” “ Gross @ @ @ @ @ s just a bunch of hair in the ocean ?
”

Volunteers on the island nation of Mauritius are building floating barriers made of donated human hair, stockings, and sugarcane leaves to help control the spread of oil from a Japanese tanker that ran aground on a reef two weeks ago. What do you think?
“No ecological disa ster is big enough to make me part with my bangs.” Kim Briseno • Cement Engineer
“Once again, the bald have absolutely nothing to contribute to society.” Craig Vesely • Livery Driver’s Assistant
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theonion--2020-08-12--Smash Mouth Concert Could Be Super-Spreader Event

Health experts say a weekend performance by the band Smash Mouth at the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally , which often @ @ @ @ @ to the South Dakota town , could become a super-spreader event as hundreds of thousands @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ It blows my mind that during this time anyone @ @ @ @ @ to listen to Sma sh Mouth.
” “ Unfortunately , when you ’ re just @ @ @ @ @ to take whatever gigs you can get.
” “ I just assumed most Smash Mouth @ @ @ @ @ it .
”

Health experts say a weekend performance by the band Smash Mouth at the annual Sturgis Motorcycle Rally, which often draws half a million people to the South Dakota town, could become a super-spreader event as hundreds of thousands of visitors return home. What do you think?
“It blows my mind that during this time anyone would be so careless as to listen to Sma sh Mouth.” Marcus Green • Salvage Yard Guide
“Unfortunately, when you’re just starting out, you have to take whatever gigs you can get.” Lorenzo Lucchese • Unemployed
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