theonion--2020-04-15--Supreme Court Will Hear Arguments Via Teleconference For First Time

The Supreme Court announced they will hear oral arguments for several upcoming cases via phone conference this May in order @ @ @ @ @ the justices , six of whom are over 65 .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ us are so fortunate to be able to historically legislate from home.
” “ It @ @ @ @ @ what ’ s possible thanks to new technological innovations like the telephone .
”

The Supreme Court announced they will hear oral arguments for several upcoming cases via phone conference this May in order to protect the health of the justices, six of whom are over 65. What do you think?
“Not all o f us are so fortunate to be able to historically legislate from home.” John Gindlesberger • Tent Supervisor
“Wow, the Framers thought of everything.” Jeremy Bates • Mildew Scraper
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theonion--2020-04-15--Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To

Congress Sets Aside $1,200 In Trust For Each American Until They Prove They’re Responsible Enough To Handle It

It ’ s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ be able to prove they ’ re mature enough to spend it responsibly ?
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It’s a historic stimulus bill that will finally offer some financial relief to those affected by the coronavirus outbreak. But will Americans be able to prove they’re mature enough to spend it responsibly?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-15--Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot

WASHINGTON—In a discovery that shed new light on the source of the global outbreak , top U.S. health experts told reporters Wednesday that Covid-19 originated in a promiscuous bat who slept around a lot .
“ We get that it ’ s totally normal for bats to mate and stuff , but this one , well , let ’ s just say it got around , ” said epidemiologist Catherine Fisher , noting the bat in question didn ’ t even use protection , and that coronavirus was probably the least of the flying floozy ’ s problems considering the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ This bat was kind of a tramp , if we ’ re being honest .
It didn ’ t care if you were a horseshoe , mouse-tailed , or Kitti ’ s hog-nosed bat ; it was open for business .
This bat would pretty much hook up with any mammal with wings .
And we ’ re not trying to slut-shame , I swear .
We just think the public deserves to know the facts.
” At press time , the nation ’ s top epidemiologist had issued an apology @ @ @ @ @ @ @ actually originated from a rather loose pangolin .

‘Like...We’re Talking About A Lot,’ Say Epidemiologists
WASHINGTON—In a discovery that shed new light on the source of the global outbreak, top U.S. health experts told reporters Wednesday that Covid-19 originated in a promiscuous bat who slept around a lot. “We get that it’s totally normal for bats to mate and stuff, but this one, well, let’s just say it got around,” said epidemiologist Catherine Fisher, noting the bat in question didn’t even use protection, and that coronavirus was probably the least of the flying floozy’s problems considering the shit swirling around it all the time. “This bat was kind of a tramp, if we’re being honest. It didn’t care if you were a horseshoe, mouse-tailed, or Kitti’s hog-nosed bat; it was open for business. This bat would pretty much hook up with any mammal with wings. And we’re not trying to slut-shame, I swear. We just think the public deserves to know the facts.” At press time, the nation’s top epidemiologist had issued an apology to the bat after discovering the outbreak actually originated from a rather loose pangolin.


theonion--2020-04-15--Lonely Pedophile Wistfully Surveys Deserted Schoolyard Playground

CINCINNATI—As he lamented how strange and still it all seemed , lonely pedophile Henry Corimer , 46 , reportedly ran his eyes over the desolate , empty playground of the public elementary school near his home Wednesday , remarking wistfully upon the scene .
“ To think how just a few weeks ago every slide and swing was occupied , and now there ’ s only me—a fool with his pockets full of candy , all for naught , ” said Corimer , who sighed , sat down on his usual bench , and let a fistful of wood chips @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on how odd it felt visiting a place that once formed such a routine part of his life and now suddenly seemed so alien .
“ God , I miss their games and small voices , the cheers and the pounding of sneakers on the blacktop .
They may not be back until fall , and they grow up so fast !
” Corimer added that he couldn ’ t imagine how he ever would have made it through the past month of the quarantine if he hadn ’ t had access to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of video , and Zoom account .

OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

CINCINNATI—As he lamented how strange and still it all seemed, lonely pedophile Henry Corimer, 46, reportedly ran his eyes over the desolate, empty playground of the public elementary school near his home Wednesday, remarking wistfully upon the scene. “To think how just a few weeks ago every slide and swing was occupied, and now there’s only me—a fool with his pockets full of candy, all for naught,” said Corimer, who sighed, sat down on his usual bench, and let a fistful of wood chips run through his fingers while he reflected on how odd it felt visiting a place that once formed such a routine part of his life and now suddenly seemed so alien. “God, I miss their games and small voices, the cheers and the pounding of sneakers on the blacktop. They may not be back until fall, and they grow up so fast!” Corimer added that he couldn’t imagine how he ever would have made it through the past month of the quarantine if he hadn’t had access to his 10,000 saved photographs, 2.5 gigabytes of video, and Zoom account.


theonion--2020-04-15--Americans Begin Receiving Stimulus Checks

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin announced that 80 million Americans will receive a direct deposit for up to $ 1,200 this @ @ @ @ @ government ’ s economic relief package , with early reports indicating the funds are being @ @ @ @ @ , rent , and other necessities .
What do you think ?
“ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ one time , but we shouldn ’ t get in the habit of expecting the @ @ @ @ @ s urgent needs.
” “ Just 8 to 10 more pandemics and I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin announced that 80 million Americans will receive a direct deposit for up to $1,200 this week as part of the government’s economic relief package, with early reports indicating the funds are being used on food, gas, rent, and other necessities. What do you think?
“Twelve hundred dollars? Wow. That’s like, a million dollars!” Justin Hochberg • Lamp Repairman
“I’m fine with it this one time, but we shouldn’t get in the habit of expecting the government to address people’s urgent needs.” Maggie Sanditz • Town Crier
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theonion--2020-04-15--Bulls Fire GM After 6-Week Winless Streak

CHICAGO—Claiming enough was enough after enduring the worst stretch in the history of the storied franchise , the Chicago Bulls announced Monday that they were firing general manager Gar Forman after a six-week winless streak .
“ While we appreciate all of Gar ’ s contributions , it ’ s simply unacceptable to go over a month of the season without winning a single game , ” said team owner Jerry Reinsdorf , citing the fact that jersey sales were down over 90 % and a terrible attendance record since mid-March as proof that the team ’ s roster was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s never an easy decision to part ways with a general manager , but this kind of drought calls for a complete change in direction .
If it were not for the Magic , Nets , and Wizards going winless over the same recent stretch , we would already be eliminated from the playoffs .
We ’ re worried it ’ s having negative effects on our players , too , because they ’ ve stopped showing up to practice.
” At press time , the Bulls placed Zach Levine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scoreless stretch .

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

CHICAGO—Claiming enough was enough after enduring the worst stretch in the history of the storied franchise, the Chicago Bulls announced Monday that they were firing general manager Gar Forman after a six-week winless streak. “While we appreciate all of Gar’s contributions, it’s simply unacceptable to go over a month of the season without winning a single game,” said team owner Jerry Reinsdorf, citing the fact that jersey sales were down over 90% and a terrible attendance record since mid-March as proof that the team’s roster was just not generating interest from fans. “It’s never an easy decision to part ways with a general manager, but this kind of drought calls for a complete change in direction. If it were not for the Magic, Nets, and Wizards going winless over the same recent stretch, we would already be eliminated from the playoffs. We’re worried it’s having negative effects on our players, too, because they’ve stopped showing up to practice.” At press time, the Bulls placed Zach Levine on the trading block after a six-week scoreless stretch.


theonion--2020-04-15--Grinning Tim Cook Announces New iPhone Will No Longer Be Compatible With AirPods

CUPERTINO , CA—Unveiling Apple ’ s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation , a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that @ @ @ @ @ longer be compatible with AirPods .
“ I think you ’ ll find the new @ @ @ @ @ what you ’ re accustomed to , ” said Cook , a wry expression slowly @ @ @ @ @ he explained the company had been moving toward phasing out the $ 159 accessories for @ @ @ @ @ a tough decision , believe us , but you ’ ll get used to it @ @ @ @ @ is personally my favorite feature .
Oh , and you won ’ t be able @ @ @ @ @ headphones , either .
In fact , we ’ ve removed Bluetooth capabilities completely .
@ @ @ @ @ I ’ m sorry , I ’ m just barely able to contain my excitement.
@ @ @ @ @ Cook struggled to suppress his laughter as he added he just couldn ’ t wait @ @ @ @ @ to those who tried to use an adapter .

CUPERTINO, CA—Unveiling Apple’s latest redesign following weeks of anticipation, a grinning Tim Cook announced Wednesday that the new iPhone will no longer be compatible with AirPods. “I think you’ll find the new iPhone is somewhat different than what you’re accustomed to,” said Cook, a wry expression slowly emerging on his face as he explained the company had been moving toward phasing out the $159 accessories for years. “It was a tough decision, believe us, but you’ll get used to it, I think. This is personally my favorite feature. Oh, and you won’t be able to use another brand of headphones, either. In fact, we’ve removed Bluetooth capabilities completely. Ha, excuse me, I’m sorry, I’m just barely able to contain my excitement.” At press time, Cook struggled to suppress his laughter as he added he just couldn’t wait to reveal what would happen to those who tried to use an adapter.


theonion--2020-04-15--Pope Francis Finally Close To Finishing Bible

VATICAN CITY—Expressing surprise at how productive he had been during the pandemic , Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally gotten close to finishing the Bible during the quarantine .
“ Usually , I ’ ll get to Numbers or Judges and then give up , but being cooped up has actually given me a nice chance to power through some of the boring Holy Covenant stuff and really see what all the fuss is about , ” said the pontiff , noting that he always wanted to read the sacred text , but had often gotten sidetracked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or simply picking up a more immediately compelling read by Lee Child or Michael Connelly .
“ It kind of drags in the middle , which made me want to just put on a movie and relax .
But then I thought , honestly , what else am I doing with my time holed up in the papal apartment ?
So I kept at it , and , man , I ’ m glad I did .
Once you get to all the Gospels and the whole Jesus-God twist , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only have a few hundred more pages , and then this thing is in the bag.
” Francis admitted that reading the Bible now made him regret skipping to the Quran years ago and spoiling so much of the story .

VATICAN CITY—Expressing surprise at how productive he had been during the pandemic, Pope Francis told reporters Wednesday that he had finally gotten close to finishing the Bible during the quarantine. “Usually, I’ll get to Numbers or Judges and then give up, but being cooped up has actually given me a nice chance to power through some of the boring Holy Covenant stuff and really see what all the fuss is about,” said the pontiff, noting that he always wanted to read the sacred text, but had often gotten sidetracked with papal duties, public events, or simply picking up a more immediately compelling read by Lee Child or Michael Connelly. “It kind of drags in the middle, which made me want to just put on a movie and relax. But then I thought, honestly, what else am I doing with my time holed up in the papal apartment? So I kept at it, and, man, I’m glad I did. Once you get to all the Gospels and the whole Jesus-God twist, it’s just a total page-turner. I probably only have a few hundred more pages, and then this thing is in the bag.” Francis admitted that reading the Bible now made him regret skipping to the Quran years ago and spoiling so much of the story.


theonion--2020-04-15--8 Electrical Outlets That Would Love The Opportunity To Power A Coffee Maker

Okay , so this outlet wouldn ’ t exactly love to power your programmable coffee maker .
She ’ s @ @ @ @ @ change , per se .
Don ’ t get her wrong—revving up the blender isn @ @ @ @ @ in the world , but sometimes a socket ’ s just got to ask herself @ @ @ @ @ life ?

Okay, so this outlet wouldn’t exactly love to power your programmable coffee maker. She’s really just looking for a change, per se. Don’t get her wrong—revving up the blender isn’t the worst thing in the world, but sometimes a socket’s just got to ask herself: Is there more to life?


theonion--2020-04-15--9 Inconsistencies In The Mysterious Disappearance Of The Countess Wellington

Granted , this was by no means the end of our conundrum .
For the next morning did not Lord @ @ @ @ @ cryptically , that he had observed from his bedroom window that previous night a peculiar @ @ @ @ @ ?
Who is the man in the navy greatcoat who was observed leaving the groundskeeper @ @ @ @ @ morning following the Countess ’ absconding ?
What of the vicar , who has been @ @ @ @ @ surrounding the vanishment of his most cherished parishioner ?

Granted, this was by no means the end of our conundrum. For the next morning did not Lord Chelmsford himself remark, quite cryptically, that he had observed from his bedroom window that previous night a peculiar distant glow amongst the gardens? Who is the man in the navy greatcoat who was observed leaving the groundskeeper’s cottage on the morning following the Countess’ absconding? What of the vicar, who has been notably absent from the discourse surrounding the vanishment of his most cherished parishioner?


theonion--2020-04-15--Pros And Cons Of Reopening America Before Coronavirus Pandemic Ends

The dramatic effects of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. economy have given rise to calls for America to @ @ @ @ @ that reopening America before the pandemic abates will have grave long-term consequences .
The Onion @ @ @ @ @ cons of reopening America before the coronavirus pandemic ends .
Get to use internet outside @ @ @ @ @ boys at Buffalo Wild Wings .
Definitely better option from virus ’ s perspective .
@ @ @ @ @ insurance money .
Was just getting hang of not taking things for granted .
Hard @ @ @ @ @ staying six feet apart .
TikTok account was just starting to get some traction .

The dramatic effects of the ongoing coronavirus pandemic on the U.S. economy have given rise to calls for America to restart, while critics warn that reopening America before the pandemic abates will have grave long-term consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of reopening America before the coronavirus pandemic ends.
PRO
Get to use internet outside again.
Can enjoy shared sense of PTSD.
Beers with the boys at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Social Security problem solved.
Definitely better option from virus’s perspective.
CON
Already burned business down for insurance money.
Was just getting hang of not taking things for granted.
Hard to dig mass grave while staying six feet apart.
TikTok account was just starting to get some traction.
“Thousands” of “people” may “die.”


theonion--2020-04-15--Fears Over Food Supply Grows After Nation’s Naughty Little Boys Sneak Into Reserve Stockpiles And Ea

Fears Over Food Supply Grows After Nation’s Naughty Little Boys Sneak Into Reserve Stockpiles And Eat All The Sweets

WASHINGTON—Contributing to the sense of alarm spreading across the country , concerns over the food supply escalated Wednesday after the nation ’ s naughty little boys reportedly snuck into reserve stockpiles and ate up all the sweets .
“ A sudden disruption to our inventories occurred after several misbehaving young rascals made their way into stores of emergency provisions and helped themselves to every last sugary treat they could get their grubby hands on , ” said Food and Drug Administration spokesperson Janice Ehlers , explaining that the mischievous little devils infiltrated reserves after picking locks with coat hangers and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get up to the shelves where the chocolate bars , taffy , cakes , and cookies were stored .
“ We were alerted to their presence by their loud tee-hees , as well as the sounds of their crunching and slurping .
By the time we arrived , however , all we found was a pile of discarded candy wrappers and a sorry crew of tubby , frosting-covered scamps who were rolling around on the storehouse floor as they clutched their protruding bellies .
To make matters worse , they are , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dessert.
” While Ehlers confirmed the naughty boys deserved a spanking , she went on to admit she could not stay mad at those adorable , chubby-cheeked faces for long .

WASHINGTON—Contributing to the sense of alarm spreading across the country, concerns over the food supply escalated Wednesday after the nation’s naughty little boys reportedly snuck into reserve stockpiles and ate up all the sweets. “A sudden disruption to our inventories occurred after several misbehaving young rascals made their way into stores of emergency provisions and helped themselves to every last sugary treat they could get their grubby hands on,” said Food and Drug Administration spokesperson Janice Ehlers, explaining that the mischievous little devils infiltrated reserves after picking locks with coat hangers and climbing onto one another’s backs to get up to the shelves where the chocolate bars, taffy, cakes, and cookies were stored. “We were alerted to their presence by their loud tee-hees, as well as the sounds of their crunching and slurping. By the time we arrived, however, all we found was a pile of discarded candy wrappers and a sorry crew of tubby, frosting-covered scamps who were rolling around on the storehouse floor as they clutched their protruding bellies. To make matters worse, they are, at present, still asking for more dessert.” While Ehlers confirmed the naughty boys deserved a spanking, she went on to admit she could not stay mad at those adorable, chubby-cheeked faces for long.


theonion--2020-04-14--Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 14, 2020

You ’ ll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse , but @ @ @ @ @ joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit .

OnionNews on Entertainment, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
You’ll narrowly avoid an unlikely set of circumstances that almost sees you married to a horse, but you’ll still be joined in matrimony to the two guys who were in the horse suit.


theonion--2020-04-14--DMT Researchers Advise Maintaining 6-Foot Distance From Own Body

SANTA CRUZ , CA—As part of an effort to help reduce the spread of Covid-19 , scientists who conduct research into DMT at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies have advised members of the public to maintain an interval of at least 6 feet from their own body .
“ Now more than ever , it is imperative for citizens to keep a safe distance from their corporeal forms , as the novel coronavirus is highly contagious within the bounds of a physical reality , ” MAPS researcher Bill Tasker told reporters Tuesday as he demonstrated the proper way to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at least 20 infinities and urged people to wipe down all contaminated celestial planes , upon which the virus can reportedly transcend any perceived notions of time .
“ If you find yourself floating in the ether , suddenly grasping the illusory nature of the self , and how you ’ re so , so small , but you are also everything—the stars , the planets , the cosmos , holy shit , everything—that ’ s when it is vital to observe the self-distancing measures that can help stem the spread of this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ curve , you are at risk of infection and possibly even ego death.
” Tasker went on to describe a method by which people could potentially manifest N95 respirator masks out of pure energy .

SANTA CRUZ, CA—As part of an effort to help reduce the spread of Covid-19, scientists who conduct research into DMT at the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies have advised members of the public to maintain an interval of at least 6 feet from their own body. “Now more than ever, it is imperative for citizens to keep a safe distance from their corporeal forms, as the novel coronavirus is highly contagious within the bounds of a physical reality,” MAPS researcher Bill Tasker told reporters Tuesday as he demonstrated the proper way to wash one’s astral hands for at least 20 infinities and urged people to wipe down all contaminated celestial planes, upon which the virus can reportedly transcend any perceived notions of time. “If you find yourself floating in the ether, suddenly grasping the illusory nature of the self, and how you’re so, so small, but you are also everything—the stars, the planets, the cosmos, holy shit, everything—that’s when it is vital to observe the self-distancing measures that can help stem the spread of this disease. Without your help flattening the curve, you are at risk of infection and possibly even ego death.” Tasker went on to describe a method by which people could potentially manifest N95 respirator masks out of pure energy.


theonion--2020-04-14--Census Foot Soldiers Swarm Neighborhoods, Kick Down Doors To Tally Household Sizes

Every 10 years , platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and @ @ @ @ @ Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Every 10 years, platoons of armed soldiers from the U.S. Census Bureau burst through doors across the nation and count everyone living inside. Hear how the Bureau accomplishes this astonishing feat.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-14--Aetna Honors All The Brave Insurance Debt Collectors Continuing To Work In This Difficult Time

HARTFORD , CT—Paying tribute to the brave men and women on the frontlines , Aetna president and CEO Larry Merlo released a statement Tuesday honoring his courageous employees who continue to seek and collect insurance debt from customers “ proudly and by any means necessary ” in this difficult time .
“ Our nation owes a great deal of respect and gratitude to these medical debt workers who have stepped up and remained fully committed to collecting every penny owed to our close-knit community of executives , investors , and brokers during this span of unprecedented emotional and financial difficulty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sequestered multimillionaire in charge of not only Aetna but also its parent company , CVS Health , saluting the “ red-blooded American heroes ” working day and night to shake down valued Aetna family members until they cough up their payments .
“ One silver lining to this dire situation is that it ’ s clear now more than ever who the truly essential workers are—those passionate , dedicated employees who put their lives on the line every day to keep our healthcare system lucrative in the midst of a global pandemic .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ but now they ’ re being asked to place their personal lives on hold and risk their own safety to continue making threatening phone calls for hours on end , hunting deadbeats and knocking down doors on our behalf without breaks , sick days , or adequate protective gear—all to ensure that no outstanding or delinquent balance is left unpaid.
” At press time , Merlo offered the debt collectors a heartfelt thank-you in lieu of the annual financial bonus the workers had previously been promised .

HARTFORD, CT—Paying tribute to the brave men and women on the frontlines, Aetna president and CEO Larry Merlo released a statement Tuesday honoring his courageous employees who continue to seek and collect insurance debt from customers “proudly and by any means necessary” in this difficult time. “Our nation owes a great deal of respect and gratitude to these medical debt workers who have stepped up and remained fully committed to collecting every penny owed to our close-knit community of executives, investors, and brokers during this span of unprecedented emotional and financial difficulty and distress,” said the comfortably sequestered multimillionaire in charge of not only Aetna but also its parent company, CVS Health, saluting the “red-blooded American heroes” working day and night to shake down valued Aetna family members until they cough up their payments. “One silver lining to this dire situation is that it’s clear now more than ever who the truly essential workers are—those passionate, dedicated employees who put their lives on the line every day to keep our healthcare system lucrative in the midst of a global pandemic. Their job has never been easy, but now they’re being asked to place their personal lives on hold and risk their own safety to continue making threatening phone calls for hours on end, hunting deadbeats and knocking down doors on our behalf without breaks, sick days, or adequate protective gear—all to ensure that no outstanding or delinquent balance is left unpaid.” At press time, Merlo offered the debt collectors a heartfelt thank-you in lieu of the annual financial bonus the workers had previously been promised.


theonion--2020-04-14--Trump Blasts Dr. Fauci Over Repeated Negative Remarks About Coronavirus

WASHINGTON—Reflecting the commander in chief ’ s growing frustration with the physician ’ s pattern of thinly veiled criticisms during the pandemic , President Donald Trump blasted Dr. Anthony Fauci Tuesday over his repeated negative remarks about the coronavirus .
“ Fauci has done some very good things , sure , but frankly , he has been extremely unfair to Covid-19 , ” Trump said in an impromptu statement in which the visibly exasperated president spent nearly half an hour venting about his frustrations with the NIH doctor ’ s inability to “ stop running his mouth ” to reporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enters his head .
“ To be honest with you , I ’ ve thought about getting rid of this guy many , many times because of the lousy treatment he ’ s given this pandemic .
And , let me tell you , he ’ s not so perfect himself .
It would be nice to see some real leadership from Dr. Fauci for once .
Frankly , I think he probably has some kind of vendetta against this virus and wants to take it out.
” At press time , Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his criticism of the “ clear liberal bias ” that thousands of other doctors and health experts had shown in their negative portrayal of the pandemic .

WASHINGTON—Reflecting the commander in chief’s growing frustration with the physician’s pattern of thinly veiled criticisms during the pandemic, President Donald Trump blasted Dr. Anthony Fauci Tuesday over his repeated negative remarks about the coronavirus. “Fauci has done some very good things, sure, but frankly, he has been extremely unfair to Covid-19,” Trump said in an impromptu statement in which the visibly exasperated president spent nearly half an hour venting about his frustrations with the NIH doctor’s inability to “stop running his mouth” to reporters every time a complaint about the coronavirus enters his head. “To be honest with you, I’ve thought about getting rid of this guy many, many times because of the lousy treatment he’s given this pandemic. And, let me tell you, he’s not so perfect himself. It would be nice to see some real leadership from Dr. Fauci for once. Frankly, I think he probably has some kind of vendetta against this virus and wants to take it out.” At press time, Trump had gone on to let loose in his criticism of the “clear liberal bias” that thousands of other doctors and health experts had shown in their negative portrayal of the pandemic.


theonion--2020-04-14--NASCAR Driver Suspended Indefinitely For Racial Slur During Livestream

Stock-car driver Kyle Larson has been suspended by NASCAR , his racing team , and the online simulation game iRacing @ @ @ @ @ during a virtual competition , though he could be eligible for reinstatement if he completes @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ His actions are certainly not a reflection of who he wants @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I ’ m sure he was raised to never , ever say that @ @ @ @ @ mic.
” “ You don ’ t understand—that word means something completely different in the @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Stock-car driver Kyle Larson has been suspended by NASCAR, his racing team, and the online simulation game iRacing for using a racial slur during a virtual competition, though he could be eligible for reinstatement if he completes sensitivity training. What do you think?
“His actions are certainly not a reflection of who he wants us to think he is.” Ian Eddins • Systems Analyst
“I’m sure he was raised to never, ever say that awful word into a hot mic.” Chris McInerney • Emergency Meteorologist
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theonion--2020-04-14--Mike Pompeo Warns Iran Stockpiling Tubes To Build Ventilator

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the coronavirus pandemic should not affect America ’ s hardline stance against the Middle Eastern republic , U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo warned Tuesday that he strongly suspected Iran of stockpiling tubes to build a ventilator .
“ Iran has repeatedly ignored our messages to refrain from building up a medical arsenal , and new intelligence shows that the regime could have a fully functional ventilator up and running in as little as a few weeks , ” said Pompeo , adding that satellite images taken by U.S. spy planes appeared to show Iranian scientists assembling a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are also credible reports that Iran has acquired high-grade extension cords , and the regime refuses to deny that these cables could be used to power ventilators .
This is clearly an effort to undermine American influence in the region , and one that could save thousands of Iranian lives .
If we fail to act now , Iran will have a fully operational ventilator , which will not only strengthen their medical capacity but could produce a domino effect where they funnel tubes , valves , and knobs to other U.S. adversaries @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new era for the world , which is why I call on President Trump to increase sanctions , and , if necessary , explore military action.
” Pompeo added that the U.S. would only be willing to negotiate if Iranian officials turned over their entire supply of tubes to the U.N .

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the coronavirus pandemic should not affect America’s hardline stance against the Middle Eastern republic, U.S. secretary of state Mike Pompeo warned Tuesday that he strongly suspected Iran of stockpiling tubes to build a ventilator. “Iran has repeatedly ignored our messages to refrain from building up a medical arsenal, and new intelligence shows that the regime could have a fully functional ventilator up and running in as little as a few weeks,” said Pompeo, adding that satellite images taken by U.S. spy planes appeared to show Iranian scientists assembling a cache of medical-grade valves. “There are also credible reports that Iran has acquired high-grade extension cords, and the regime refuses to deny that these cables could be used to power ventilators. This is clearly an effort to undermine American influence in the region, and one that could save thousands of Iranian lives. If we fail to act now, Iran will have a fully operational ventilator, which will not only strengthen their medical capacity but could produce a domino effect where they funnel tubes, valves, and knobs to other U.S. adversaries. A ventilator-capable Iran portends a dangerous new era for the world, which is why I call on President Trump to increase sanctions, and, if necessary, explore military action.” Pompeo added that the U.S. would only be willing to negotiate if Iranian officials turned over their entire supply of tubes to the U.N.


theonion--2020-04-14--Bib-Wearing Nation Holding Forks And Knives Impatiently Waiting For Restaurants To Reopen

WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic , the bib-wearing nation @ @ @ @ @ Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen .
“ Hungry , hungry , hungry @ @ @ @ @ Americans , drooling on their bibs in anticipation as a deafening roar of smacking lips @ @ @ @ @ “ We want num nums for our tum tums .
Open up !
Now , @ @ @ @ @ At press time , the impatient nation began banging their silverware on the tables , @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Expressing ravenous desire in their gurgling bellies amid widespread lockdowns due to the novel coronavirus pandemic, the bib-wearing nation reportedly held forks and knives Monday while impatiently waiting for restaurants to reopen. “Hungry, hungry, hungry,” said 327 million Americans, drooling on their bibs in anticipation as a deafening roar of smacking lips resounded across the country. “We want num nums for our tum tums. Open up! Now, now, now!” At press time, the impatient nation began banging their silverware on the tables, demanding to be served.


theonion--2020-01-06--Cat Treat Package Going On About Delicious, Creamy Center Too Much Not To Be Marketing To Humans

OCEAN CITY , MD—Stressing that the descriptions sounded incredibly tasty , local man Lucas Petrakis told reporters Monday that the copy on a package of cat treats was going on about their delicious , creamy center way too much for the company not to be marketing the product to humans .
“ It says they are ‘ slow-roasted ’ and ‘ savory , ’ which , come on , it definitely sounds like something you ’ d see on a normal snack , ” said Petrakis of the product , which happens to be perfectly bite-sized for a human mouth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a cross-section photograph of one of the glistening treats that the text describes as “ a soft and meaty center.
” “ It also says they have a crunchy outside and an ‘ irresistible filling , ’ and it ’ s kind of making me crave them when I shouldn ’ t be .
They really make them out to be quite appetizing in the text—I mean , the brand is even called ‘ Temptations ’ —which is a little suspect since it ’ s not like my cat is going to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Petrakis said , “ Fuck it ” and popped a handful of the cat treats in his mouth .

OCEAN CITY, MD—Stressing that the descriptions sounded incredibly tasty, local man Lucas Petrakis told reporters Monday that the copy on a package of cat treats was going on about their delicious, creamy center way too much for the company not to be marketing the product to humans. “It says they are ‘slow-roasted’ and ‘savory,’ which, come on, it definitely sounds like something you’d see on a normal snack,” said Petrakis of the product, which happens to be perfectly bite-sized for a human mouth, explaining how the packaging even contains a cross-section photograph of one of the glistening treats that the text describes as “a soft and meaty center.” “It also says they have a crunchy outside and an ‘irresistible filling,’ and it’s kind of making me crave them when I shouldn’t be. They really make them out to be quite appetizing in the text—I mean, the brand is even called ‘Temptations’—which is a little suspect since it’s not like my cat is going to be reading this.” At press time, Petrakis said, “Fuck it” and popped a handful of the cat treats in his mouth.


theonion--2020-01-06--Demon Kicking Self For Inhabiting Child When He Could’ve Possessed Someone Who Could Buy A Gun

GUILFORD , CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief , the cacodemon Artaraz , known as Chamberlain of the Void , Lord of the Unglimpsed , and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal , confessed Monday to “ feeling like a complete idiot ” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase Humbert instead of a full-grown adult who could buy a gun .
“ Chase was the 666th child born in that hospital , has a pretty passable-looking Mark of the Beast birthmark on his back , often stares at people without @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a perfect fit at first , but I ’ m starting to think I really blew it , ” said Artaraz , admitting it would be far easier to achieve his ambitions of sowing chaos and discord by spirit-riding a healthy 24-year-old white male into a gun shop to buy an automatic rifle instead of trapping himself in Humbert ’ s useless child body , which lacks the muscle mass to even push a babysitter out a fifth-story window .
“ I mean , I ’ m definitely making this kid ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screaming and the crayon pictures of people with their eyes blacked out , but that feels like small potatoes compared to what the average non-possessed American does every other day with a gun .
Compared to that , a kid speaking in a deep voice as crimson light pours from his eyes is fairly trivial , even if he does get his hands on the grown-up scissors.
” Artaraz has reportedly taken some small inspiration from common news stories featuring young children who have managed to find firearms in their mother ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ glorious results .
”

GUILFORD, CT—Disappointed that his efforts thus far could best be defined as minor mischief, the cacodemon Artaraz, known as Chamberlain of the Void, Lord of the Unglimpsed, and He Who Dwells Beyond The Third Seal, confessed Monday to “feeling like a complete idiot” for possessing the mortal form of 6-year-old Chase Humbert instead of a full-grown adult who could buy a gun. “Chase was the 666th child born in that hospital, has a pretty passable-looking Mark of the Beast birthmark on his back, often stares at people without blinking or speaking, and seemed like a perfect fit at first, but I’m starting to think I really blew it,” said Artaraz, admitting it would be far easier to achieve his ambitions of sowing chaos and discord by spirit-riding a healthy 24-year-old white male into a gun shop to buy an automatic rifle instead of trapping himself in Humbert’s useless child body, which lacks the muscle mass to even push a babysitter out a fifth-story window. “I mean, I’m definitely making this kid’s parents miserable, what with all the screaming and the crayon pictures of people with their eyes blacked out, but that feels like small potatoes compared to what the average non-possessed American does every other day with a gun. Compared to that, a kid speaking in a deep voice as crimson light pours from his eyes is fairly trivial, even if he does get his hands on the grown-up scissors.” Artaraz has reportedly taken some small inspiration from common news stories featuring young children who have managed to find firearms in their mother’s purses with what the demon called “glorious results.”


theonion--2020-01-06--Report: Everything Slightly Worse Than Yesterday

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the phenomenon is barely perceptible on a daily basis yet significant when observed on the whole , the nation ’ s top qualitative experts released a report Monday confirming that everything in every significant area of life is , in fact , slightly worse than it was yesterday .
“ While there are by no means any drastic changes for the worse in any given 24-hour period , we have observed a measurable and steady decline in each passing day , ” the report read in part , specifically noting gradual but perceptible declines in personal wealth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shared by humanity , and the warmth of sunlight .
“ The outlook certainly looks bleak for the things that bring you joy , be it conversation with friends or the sound of children ’ s laughter , as they slowly become less and less fulfilling .
Your favorite song will eventually become grating , the touch of your lover harsh and abrasive , and your own thoughts bitter and abhorrent as your mind itself sours.
” The report also noted that you should have noticed by now but your very awareness of @ @ @ @ @ @ @

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the phenomenon is barely perceptible on a daily basis yet significant when observed on the whole, the nation’s top qualitative experts released a report Monday confirming that everything in every significant area of life is, in fact, slightly worse than it was yesterday. “While there are by no means any drastic changes for the worse in any given 24-hour period, we have observed a measurable and steady decline in each passing day,” the report read in part, specifically noting gradual but perceptible declines in personal wealth, food quality, the overall love shared by humanity, and the warmth of sunlight. “The outlook certainly looks bleak for the things that bring you joy, be it conversation with friends or the sound of children’s laughter, as they slowly become less and less fulfilling. Your favorite song will eventually become grating, the touch of your lover harsh and abrasive, and your own thoughts bitter and abhorrent as your mind itself sours.” The report also noted that you should have noticed by now but your very awareness of things has diminished and grown hazy.


theonion--2020-01-07--Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 7, 2020

You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless , vaguely simian natives seem to @ @ @ @ @ you .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You will find yourself lost in a strange new world in which the hairless, vaguely simian natives seem to be trying to communicate with you.


theonion--2020-01-07--Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivali

Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism

PAWTUCKET , RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys , Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism .
“ We found that the average 10-year-old girl is 70 % less likely than her male counterpart to be interested in protecting a makeshift scavenger den against the mutants , deviants , and roving marauders who crawled forth from the wreckage of society as compared to their male peers , so we knew we had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ CEO Brian Goldner , who demonstrated prototypes of his company ’ s “ Little Miss Prepared Track ‘ n ’ Trap ” kits , demure brushed-steel suitcases trimmed with rose gold and equipped with survival gear including lengths of pink rope , small floral-accented commando shovels for digging beginner-sized tiger pits , and razor wire looped into heart-shaped deployment reels .
“ Primary school-age girls tend to fall behind on important skills that will prove vital in our inevitable post-society future , such as knotwork , sharpshooting , and demolitions expertise , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get the same hands-on experience as boys .
There ’ s even an optional pink plastic survival knife that can be used to pretend to whittle wooden stakes and spears , so girls as young as four can develop intimidation soft skills even when they ’ re not actively assembling a trap .
We at Hasbro believe that girls are just as able to subsist in The Burned Land as boys.
” Hasbro plans to eventually expand the line to include food canning kits , an E-Z Fry fingerprint-burning chemistry set , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Guide To Burying Gold Bullion .

PAWTUCKET, RI—Seeking to challenge the perception that preparing devices to fend off roving marauders is exclusively for boys, Hasbro debuted a new line of weaponized trap-building kits this week to encourage more girls to become involved in the field of post-apocalyptic survivalism. “We found that the average 10-year-old girl is 70% less likely than her male counterpart to be interested in protecting a makeshift scavenger den against the mutants, deviants, and roving marauders who crawled forth from the wreckage of society as compared to their male peers, so we knew we had to do something,” said Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner, who demonstrated prototypes of his company’s “Little Miss Prepared Track ‘n’ Trap” kits, demure brushed-steel suitcases trimmed with rose gold and equipped with survival gear including lengths of pink rope, small floral-accented commando shovels for digging beginner-sized tiger pits, and razor wire looped into heart-shaped deployment reels. “Primary school-age girls tend to fall behind on important skills that will prove vital in our inevitable post-society future, such as knotwork, sharpshooting, and demolitions expertise, and our kits give them the chance to get the same hands-on experience as boys. There’s even an optional pink plastic survival knife that can be used to pretend to whittle wooden stakes and spears, so girls as young as four can develop intimidation soft skills even when they’re not actively assembling a trap. We at Hasbro believe that girls are just as able to subsist in The Burned Land as boys.” Hasbro plans to eventually expand the line to include food canning kits, an E-Z Fry fingerprint-burning chemistry set, and a picture book titled The Princesses’ Guide To Burying Gold Bullion.


theonion--2020-01-07--Truffle Oil Embarrassed To Be Working With Low-Class Ingredients On Loaded Fries

TOMS RIVER , NJ—Admitting that it was “ a big step down ” for a refined product such as itself @ @ @ @ @ the first place , an artesian truffle oil confirmed Tuesday that it was deeply embarrassed @ @ @ @ @ ingredients on loaded fries .
“ For years , I ’ ve been considered a @ @ @ @ @ just dump some runny sour cream all over me , ” said the mortified infused @ @ @ @ @ has found itself among “ peasant foods ” like ground beef , jalapeños , and @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t want to come off as elitist , but I have no business @ @ @ @ @ Not so long ago I was headlining Michelin-starred restaurants , and now they want to @ @ @ @ @ hour special with $ 3 Miller Lights ?
The cheek.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ to its description in the menu as a “ fixin .
”

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

TOMS RIVER, NJ—Admitting that it was “a big step down” for a refined product such as itself to take the job in the first place, an artesian truffle oil confirmed Tuesday that it was deeply embarrassed to be working with low-class ingredients on loaded fries. “For years, I’ve been considered a delicacy, and now they just dump some runny sour cream all over me,” said the mortified infused oil, lamenting that it has found itself among “peasant foods” like ground beef, jalapeños, and bacon bits. “I don’t want to come off as elitist, but I have no business working as bar food. Not so long ago I was headlining Michelin-starred restaurants, and now they want to package me in a happy hour special with $3 Miller Lights? The cheek.” At press time, the truffle oil was objecting to its description in the menu as a “fixin.”


theonion--2020-01-08--Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die

FAYETTEVILLE , AR—After the pair turned down a social gathering for the third time that month , close friends of Dawn and Kevin Edmund confirmed Wednesday that the couple had really stopped being fun after having their kids die .
“ They never want to go out anymore ; it ’ s always ‘ We have family therapy ’ or ‘ Dawn can ’ t get out of bed today ’ or whatever , ” said Kevin ’ s best friend Thomas Fendrich , who added that in the years since the Edmunds ’ 4-year-old twin girls had been killed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seemed like the couple no longer knew how to have a good time .
“ On the off chance they do come out , we ’ ll usually spend half of dinner looking at all of Dawn ’ s photos of her deceased kids , and it ’ s like , we get it !
They were cute !
And Kevin used to be such a party animal , but now he ’ s saying he can ’ t even look at alcohol after what happened .
It ’ s honestly a bummer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can tell you right now that I ’ m not going to be one of those people who is just completely obsessed with their dead kids.
” At press time , Fendrich was seen rolling his eyes as the couple launched into yet another boring story about their daughters ’ last words before passing away .

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—After the pair turned down a social gathering for the third time that month, close friends of Dawn and Kevin Edmund confirmed Wednesday that the couple had really stopped being fun after having their kids die. “They never want to go out anymore; it’s always ‘We have family therapy’ or ‘Dawn can’t get out of bed today’ or whatever,” said Kevin’s best friend Thomas Fendrich, who added that in the years since the Edmunds’ 4-year-old twin girls had been killed in a horrific car accident, it seemed like the couple no longer knew how to have a good time. “On the off chance they do come out, we’ll usually spend half of dinner looking at all of Dawn’s photos of her deceased kids, and it’s like, we get it! They were cute! And Kevin used to be such a party animal, but now he’s saying he can’t even look at alcohol after what happened. It’s honestly a bummer, and you know what? I can tell you right now that I’m not going to be one of those people who is just completely obsessed with their dead kids.” At press time, Fendrich was seen rolling his eyes as the couple launched into yet another boring story about their daughters’ last words before passing away.


theonion--2020-01-08--Dumb Tourists In Paris Gawking At Splendor Of Greatest Architectural Feats In Human History

PARIS—Stopping every few blocks to tilt back their heads in wonder , idiotic hick tourists on their first visit to @ @ @ @ @ themselves this week by unabashedly gawking at the timeless splendor of some of the most @ @ @ @ @ human history .
“ Check out these dopes goggling at this breathtaking testament to the @ @ @ @ @ creativity , ” said Eiffel Tower tour guide Henri Bergeron , disdainfully pointing out a @ @ @ @ @ dumbstruck by the zenith of mankind ’ s structural accomplishments .
“ Oh , what @ @ @ @ @ seen a heart-stopping tribute to humanity ’ s potential before ?
Year after year , @ @ @ @ @ to clog our streets , mangle our language , take up too much space in @ @ @ @ @ at the stunning achievements of the human mind and spirit .
Typical Americans.
” Bergeron @ @ @ @ @ t come to their small towns and gawk at their stupid triplexes .

PARIS—Stopping every few blocks to tilt back their heads in wonder, idiotic hick tourists on their first visit to Paris made utter fools of themselves this week by unabashedly gawking at the timeless splendor of some of the most beautiful examples of architecture in human history. “Check out these dopes goggling at this breathtaking testament to the melding of engineering and human creativity,” said Eiffel Tower tour guide Henri Bergeron, disdainfully pointing out a large group of vacationers clearly dumbstruck by the zenith of mankind’s structural accomplishments. “Oh, what, they’ve never seen a heart-stopping tribute to humanity’s potential before? Year after year, these vulgarians come to Paris to clog our streets, mangle our language, take up too much space in cafés, and openly marvel at the stunning achievements of the human mind and spirit. Typical Americans.” Bergeron added that he doesn’t come to their small towns and gawk at their stupid triplexes.


theonion--2020-01-09--Excited Park Rangers Announce Lincoln Memorial Actually A Girl After Statue Gives Birth To Litter Of

Excited Park Rangers Announce Lincoln Memorial Actually A Girl After Statue Gives Birth To Litter Of Tiny Marble Abraham Lincolns

WASHINGTON—Admitting that they were “ shocked but still delighted ” by the discovery , rangers with the National Park Service announced Thursday that the Lincoln Memorial has given birth to a litter of tiny marble Abe Lincolns , definitively demonstrating that the statue is , in fact , actually a girl .
“ We recently noticed that Lincoln had gained significant weight and was occasionally sick in the mornings , and at first , we thought something was severely wrong , ” said assistant park director Benjamin Grove , describing how park rangers had arrived at the memorial to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but exhausted statue blissfully nursing a half-dozen newborn Lincolns .
“ For obvious reasons , it had never occurred to us to determine the gender of the monument , and I suppose we look rather foolish now .
But the whole litter is healthy and happy , and we ’ ll soon be able to adopt them out to other states .
Of course , we ’ re more surprised than anything , but altogether it ’ s a joy—how can you look at these cuddly little bearded marble buddies and not smile @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Abe Lincoln ” was leading the baby-naming contest on the park ’ s website for all six babies .

WASHINGTON—Admitting that they were “shocked but still delighted” by the discovery, rangers with the National Park Service announced Thursday that the Lincoln Memorial has given birth to a litter of tiny marble Abe Lincolns, definitively demonstrating that the statue is, in fact, actually a girl. “We recently noticed that Lincoln had gained significant weight and was occasionally sick in the mornings, and at first, we thought something was severely wrong,” said assistant park director Benjamin Grove, describing how park rangers had arrived at the memorial to be greeted by the sight of the happy but exhausted statue blissfully nursing a half-dozen newborn Lincolns. “For obvious reasons, it had never occurred to us to determine the gender of the monument, and I suppose we look rather foolish now. But the whole litter is healthy and happy, and we’ll soon be able to adopt them out to other states. Of course, we’re more surprised than anything, but altogether it’s a joy—how can you look at these cuddly little bearded marble buddies and not smile?” At press time, “Abe Lincoln” was leading the baby-naming contest on the park’s website for all six babies.


theonion--2020-01-09--Man Validated After Discovering Popular Kid From High School Ended Up Bottoming Out Almost As Much A

Man Validated After Discovering Popular Kid From High School Ended Up Bottoming Out Almost As Much As He Did

GLENDIVE , MT—Finding himself deeply satisfied upon learning that his alpha classmate ’ s life turned out nearly as shitty as his own , local automotive upholstery repairman Josh Vick , 29 , felt deeply validated Thursday upon discovering that Luke Morris , one of the most popular kids in his high school class , had bottomed out almost as much as he himself has .
“ It ’ s really satisfying to know that even though he seemed like a golden boy with everything going for him when we were younger , he still managed to fuck up almost @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Vick , noting how good it felt to know that Morris , who was scouted by Division I football teams back when he was a high school quarterback , somehow never made it out of the slightly more affluent neighborhood of Glendale , where Vick also still lives .
“ I was so jealous of him growing up , but to see that he weighs only 10 or so pounds less than I do really puts my grudge to rest .
And it ’ s pretty sad that he ’ s still dating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from high school , who by the way I was hopelessly in love with.
” Vick reportedly felt smug after that Morris had taken a dead-end job as his manager at the local dollar store .

GLENDIVE, MT—Finding himself deeply satisfied upon learning that his alpha classmate’s life turned out nearly as shitty as his own, local automotive upholstery repairman Josh Vick, 29, felt deeply validated Thursday upon discovering that Luke Morris, one of the most popular kids in his high school class, had bottomed out almost as much as he himself has. “It’s really satisfying to know that even though he seemed like a golden boy with everything going for him when we were younger, he still managed to fuck up almost as bad as me,” said Vick, noting how good it felt to know that Morris, who was scouted by Division I football teams back when he was a high school quarterback, somehow never made it out of the slightly more affluent neighborhood of Glendale, where Vick also still lives. “I was so jealous of him growing up, but to see that he weighs only 10 or so pounds less than I do really puts my grudge to rest. And it’s pretty sad that he’s still dating Krista Kilmartin, the same old girl from high school, who by the way I was hopelessly in love with.” Vick reportedly felt smug after that Morris had taken a dead-end job as his manager at the local dollar store.


theonion--2020-01-10--U.S. Plagued By Widespread Website Crashes After Mouse Gets Into Internet

SAN JOSE , CA—Constantly evading frustrated domain hosts ’ attempts to trap and remove the pest , many of the nation ’ s websites began crashing Friday after a mouse got into the internet .
“ We don ’ t know where exactly he is , but we know that little bastard is in there somewhere chewing through lines of code , so let us know if he shows up on a website you ’ re browsing , ” said exterminator Mike Ortega , who noted the mouse was first found sleeping behind a CNN Money article , but had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the internet for days .
“ We thought we had him trapped in magnoliawinebar.com , but he slipped out through a web portal .
We know he ’ s still in there because you can hear him scurrying through banner ads , and he ’ s been leaving droppings in a bunch of email inboxes .
Half the internet could be unusable soon , so just as a precaution , you should try putting up a few cat photos on any websites you use to scare him away.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ customers browsing hardcoretees.com reported a funny smell coming from the site .

SAN JOSE, CA—Constantly evading frustrated domain hosts’ attempts to trap and remove the pest, many of the nation’s websites began crashing Friday after a mouse got into the internet. “We don’t know where exactly he is, but we know that little bastard is in there somewhere chewing through lines of code, so let us know if he shows up on a website you’re browsing,” said exterminator Mike Ortega, who noted the mouse was first found sleeping behind a CNN Money article, but had apparently been tearing apart algorithms and hyperlinks on the internet for days. “We thought we had him trapped in magnoliawinebar.com, but he slipped out through a web portal. We know he’s still in there because you can hear him scurrying through banner ads, and he’s been leaving droppings in a bunch of email inboxes. Half the internet could be unusable soon, so just as a precaution, you should try putting up a few cat photos on any websites you use to scare him away.” At press time, the mouse had been caught after customers browsing hardcoretees.com reported a funny smell coming from the site.


theonion--2020-01-10--Emergency Last Responders Loiter Around Scene Pretending To Aid Victims After Most Of The Work Alrea

Emergency Last Responders Loiter Around Scene Pretending To Aid Victims After Most Of The Work Already Done

GREENSBORO , NC—Announcing that everything seemed under control and that they would be most helpful by staying out of the way , emergency last responders loitered around a multi-car pileup Friday pretending to aid victims after most of the work was already done .
“ Oh , looks like the fire department already used the Jaws of Life and the cops are dealing with rerouting traffic , so I guess we can get started on cleaning up blood or whatever , ” said last responder Colton Price , casually offering an ice pack to a man already receiving treatment in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over to the ditch to look at the line of wrecked vehicles .
“ We were in the drive-thru when we got the alert , so as soon as we finished lunch , we raced over .
A lot of these casualties need pressure applied to their wounds , but we ’ re out of medium gloves so it can ’ t be me .
Holy crap , look at all this broken glass .
I better stand here and warn people not to step in it .
Otherwise , someone could end @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Price and his team ducked out early claiming they had received an urgent call from the dispatcher or something that they needed to go check out .

GREENSBORO, NC—Announcing that everything seemed under control and that they would be most helpful by staying out of the way, emergency last responders loitered around a multi-car pileup Friday pretending to aid victims after most of the work was already done. “Oh, looks like the fire department already used the Jaws of Life and the cops are dealing with rerouting traffic, so I guess we can get started on cleaning up blood or whatever,” said last responder Colton Price, casually offering an ice pack to a man already receiving treatment in the back of an ambulance before wandering over to the ditch to look at the line of wrecked vehicles. “We were in the drive-thru when we got the alert, so as soon as we finished lunch, we raced over. A lot of these casualties need pressure applied to their wounds, but we’re out of medium gloves so it can’t be me. Holy crap, look at all this broken glass. I better stand here and warn people not to step in it. Otherwise, someone could end up with a really bad cut.” At press time, Price and his team ducked out early claiming they had received an urgent call from the dispatcher or something that they needed to go check out.


theonion--2020-01-14--Cash-Strapped Men’s Wearhouse Now Offering Free Measurements Of Whatever The Hell You Want

FREMONT , CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide , struggling retailer Men ’ s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that , effective immediately , they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted .
“ We ’ ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure just about anything , from the distance between Milwaukee and Chicago to the density of sedimentary rocks , ” said CEO Dinesh Lathi , noting that the retailer would also arrange house calls to help measure anything from square footage of a domicile to hectares @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trout , in case you want to see if you ’ ve broken any angling records.
” “ Naturally we ’ re still offering free chest and waist measurements , but we hope to boost sales by measuring any place on your body , someone else ’ s body , planetary bodies , or even imaginary or theoretical bodies .
Any object qualifies ; let us know what you have , whether it ’ s a pine 2-by-4 or an 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of copier paper .
If you ’ ve got a prize-winning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to confirm that and fit it for a three-piece suit while we ’ re at it .
While it ’ s true online shopping has hit sales pretty hard , we ’ re still measurement leaders , and if this pans out , we might transition into an all-measurement-based company.
” Lathi also stressed that the Men ’ s Wearhouse would still not provide garment measurements for women .

FREMONT, CA—In an effort to increase foot traffic at their 1,667 locations nationwide, struggling retailer Men’s Wearhouse announced Tuesday that, effective immediately, they would provide free measurements of whatever the hell customers wanted. “We’ve trained our associates to go beyond sleeves and inseams to measure just about anything, from the distance between Milwaukee and Chicago to the density of sedimentary rocks,” said CEO Dinesh Lathi, noting that the retailer would also arrange house calls to help measure anything from square footage of a domicile to hectares of land to “even freshly caught trout, in case you want to see if you’ve broken any angling records.” “Naturally we’re still offering free chest and waist measurements, but we hope to boost sales by measuring any place on your body, someone else’s body, planetary bodies, or even imaginary or theoretical bodies. Any object qualifies; let us know what you have, whether it’s a pine 2-by-4 or an 8.5-by-11-inch sheet of copier paper. If you’ve got a prize-winning pumpkin, we’d be happy to confirm that and fit it for a three-piece suit while we’re at it. While it’s true online shopping has hit sales pretty hard, we’re still measurement leaders, and if this pans out, we might transition into an all-measurement-based company.” Lathi also stressed that the Men’s Wearhouse would still not provide garment measurements for women.


theonion--2020-01-14--Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 14, 2020

Don ’ t let anybody tell you what you can or can not do .
That ’ s for you @ @ @ @ @ your ribs , and most of the hearing in your left ear , to decide @

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Don’t let anybody tell you what you can or cannot do. That’s for you, three to five of your ribs, and most of the hearing in your left ear, to decide.


theonion--2020-01-13--American Cancer Society Reports Largest-Ever Drop In Cancer Rates

Thanks to a decline in smoking and better treatments for lung cancer , the American Cancer Society reported a 2.2 @ @ @ @ @ 2016 to 2017 , the largest-ever reported change since record-keeping began in 1930 .
What @ @ @ @ @ I knew better treatments would one day overpower my complete indifference to my health.
” @ @ @ @ @ like this and I ’ ll finally feel safe going back to smoking.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ crying out loud !
Americans deserve more modern ways to die .
”

Thanks to a decline in smoking and better treatments for lung cancer, the American Cancer Society reported a 2.2% drop in cancer from 2016 to 2017, the largest-ever reported change since record-keeping began in 1930. What do you think?
“I knew better treatments would one day overpower my complete indifference to my health.” Moshe Bridges • Airline Chef
“A few more years like this and I’ll finally feel safe going back to smoking.” Sherrod Crossley • Toxin Identifier
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theonion--2020-01-13--Boeing Scrambling After New CEO Catches Fire During First Press Conference

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly , Boeing officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference .
“ I assure you , Mr. Calhoun is one of the safest board members in Boeing ’ s history and has never caught fire prior to today , ” said Boeing spokesperson Karen Flynn , adding that Mr. Calhoun had undergone rigorous testing before being promoted to CEO , leaving the company stunned when he suddenly paused @ @ @ @ @ @ @ signal , and burst into flames .
“ While we are devastated by the news , the reality of having executives is that there is always a risk that one will lose control , fly off the stage , and crash into the audience at high velocity .
To the hundreds who died , or suffered severe injuries today , we sincerely apologize.
” At press time , investigators found that Mr. Calhoun had failed to pay Boeing for additional safety protections that could have prevented him from exploding into millions of small @ @ @ @

CHICAGO—Emphasizing that the 62-year-old executive was just experiencing minor technical issues and would be back behind the podium shortly, Boeing officials scrambled to do damage control Monday after their new CEO Dave Calhoun erupted into flames during his first press conference. “I assure you, Mr. Calhoun is one of the safest board members in Boeing’s history and has never caught fire prior to today,” said Boeing spokesperson Karen Flynn, adding that Mr. Calhoun had undergone rigorous testing before being promoted to CEO, leaving the company stunned when he suddenly paused his speech, sent out an SOS signal, and burst into flames. “While we are devastated by the news, the reality of having executives is that there is always a risk that one will lose control, fly off the stage, and crash into the audience at high velocity. To the hundreds who died, or suffered severe injuries today, we sincerely apologize.” At press time, investigators found that Mr. Calhoun had failed to pay Boeing for additional safety protections that could have prevented him from exploding into millions of small, unidentifiable pieces.


theonion--2020-01-13--Cory Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Rat Race After Falling In Love With Small-Town Iowa Life

ALGONA , IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning , Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was dropping out of the 2020 rat race after falling in love with small-town Iowa life .
“ I ’ ve spent my whole life worrying about my career , chasing the next big position , but after spending all this time in Iowa , I ’ ve realized it ’ s community and family that count , ” said Booker , who revealed he ’ s taken a position at the local auto parts store , bought a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ volunteering at a nursing home .
“ The air is fresher , the people are nicer , and everyone knows your name .
I ’ ve found peace here .
I was working my ass off every day , and for what ?
To be president of the United States ?
To pass some immigration plan ?
That stuff doesn ’ t matter .
I just want a quiet garden and people who love me.
” Booker added that while girlfriend Rosario Dawson was thinking about moving in , she was more interested @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hustle and bustle like Fort Dodge .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

ALGONA, IA—Sitting in the diner where he now eats breakfast every morning, Senator Cory Booker announced Monday that he was dropping out of the 2020 rat race after falling in love with small-town Iowa life. “I’ve spent my whole life worrying about my career, chasing the next big position, but after spending all this time in Iowa, I’ve realized it’s community and family that count,” said Booker, who revealed he’s taken a position at the local auto parts store, bought a cute little ranch house, and started volunteering at a nursing home. “The air is fresher, the people are nicer, and everyone knows your name. I’ve found peace here. I was working my ass off every day, and for what? To be president of the United States? To pass some immigration plan? That stuff doesn’t matter. I just want a quiet garden and people who love me.” Booker added that while girlfriend Rosario Dawson was thinking about moving in, she was more interested in a place with a little more hustle and bustle like Fort Dodge.


theonion--2020-01-13--Report: Under One-Third Of Iowa, New Hampshire Voters Settled On Candidate

With February ’ s primary and caucus votes rapidly approaching , a recent CBS/YouGov poll found only one-third of Iowa @ @ @ @ @ settled on a Democratic candidate , leaving the race for the presidential nomination wide open @ @ @ @ @ election .
What do you think ?
“ Don ’ t worry !
There ’ @ @ @ @ @ left to decide not to vote.
” “ It ’ s cruel for voters to @ @ @ @ @ like this.
” “ This means Andrew Yang can come out of nowhere and place @ @ @

With February’s primary and caucus votes rapidly approaching, a recent CBS/YouGov poll found only one-third of Iowa and New Hampshire voters are settled on a Democratic candidate, leaving the race for the presidential nomination wide open in the leadup to the election. What do you think?
“Don’t worry! There’s still plenty of time left to decide not to vote.” Alison Santos • Lake Dredger
“It’s cruel for voters to keep stringing Tom Steyer along like this.” Kyle Brewer • Skydiving Trainer
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theonion--2020-01-13--Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Awa

Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy

NORTHAMPTON , ENGLAND—According to eyewitnesses at the scene , a homeless and thoroughly disheveled Prince Harry was spotted Monday eating out of residential garbage cans only 24 hours after stepping away from the Royal Family .
“ I heard a clatter in the alleyway , so I circled around and found him rooting around in my trash and kind of quietly muttering to himself , ” said Northamptonshire resident Sarah Christie , describing the unshaven , filth-covered Duke of Sussex as “ clearly not in a good place ” in the wake of announcing plans to distance himself from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the senior royal ’ s bloodshot eyes and foul stench .
“ I asked if he needed help , but he just hissed at me and went back to sucking on this half-eaten chicken bone he ’ d rooted up .
Frankly , I was trying to keep my distance because I wasn ’ t 100 % sure he wasn ’ t going to lunge.
” At press time , Christie had called the police after witnessing the Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle repeatedly attempt to sell off her baby to people waiting @ @ @ @ @ @

NORTHAMPTON, ENGLAND—According to eyewitnesses at the scene, a homeless and thoroughly disheveled Prince Harry was spotted Monday eating out of residential garbage cans only 24 hours after stepping away from the Royal Family. “I heard a clatter in the alleyway, so I circled around and found him rooting around in my trash and kind of quietly muttering to himself,” said Northamptonshire resident Sarah Christie, describing the unshaven, filth-covered Duke of Sussex as “clearly not in a good place” in the wake of announcing plans to distance himself from the British monarchy, while expressing concern about the senior royal’s bloodshot eyes and foul stench. “I asked if he needed help, but he just hissed at me and went back to sucking on this half-eaten chicken bone he’d rooted up. Frankly, I was trying to keep my distance because I wasn’t 100% sure he wasn’t going to lunge.” At press time, Christie had called the police after witnessing the Duchess of Sussex Meghan Markle repeatedly attempt to sell off her baby to people waiting at a nearby bus stop.


theonion--2020-01-13--God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-9

God Struggling To Feign Happiness After Jesus Announces He Marrying Exotic Dancer From Place Off I-95

THE HEAVENS—Straining to react to the surprising engagement announcement with a measure of enthusiasm , God , Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe , reportedly struggled to feign happiness Monday after Jesus Christ informed Him that He would be marrying an exotic dancer from a place off I-95 .
“ I should have paid more attention when He kept making earthly appearances at some place off the Jersey turnpike called Centerfolds , but I never expected He ’ d suddenly be telling me He proposed to some stripper He barely knows , ” said Our Lord , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the 22-year-old beauty school graduate and had always encouraged His son to reach out to those at the margins of society , there was “ no way in hell ” that He would be allowing Christ to get married to someone named Cinnamon .
“ All I could do was keep smiling and nodding while He went on about how artistic she was and how He already felt like a father to her two kids .
I can tell you this much , though : There is no goddamn way I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for humanity ’ s sin throw away His life like this.
” At press time , He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Forth From The Darkness went on to note that He would be changing His will in the next few days just in case His son disobeyed His wishes .

THE HEAVENS—Straining to react to the surprising engagement announcement with a measure of enthusiasm, God, Our Heavenly Father and the Creator of the Universe, reportedly struggled to feign happiness Monday after Jesus Christ informed Him that He would be marrying an exotic dancer from a place off I-95. “I should have paid more attention when He kept making earthly appearances at some place off the Jersey turnpike called Centerfolds, but I never expected He’d suddenly be telling me He proposed to some stripper He barely knows,” said Our Lord, stressing that while He held nothing against the 22-year-old beauty school graduate and had always encouraged His son to reach out to those at the margins of society, there was “no way in hell” that He would be allowing Christ to get married to someone named Cinnamon. “All I could do was keep smiling and nodding while He went on about how artistic she was and how He already felt like a father to her two kids. I can tell you this much, though: There is no goddamn way I’m letting the son I sent to die for humanity’s sin throw away His life like this.” At press time, He Who Commanded the Light to Shine Forth From The Darkness went on to note that He would be changing His will in the next few days just in case His son disobeyed His wishes.


theonion--2020-01-14--Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of

Democratic Candidates Immediately Descend Into Violent Pandemonium Without Cory Booker’s Message Of Love

DES MOINES , IA—Following the New Jersey senator ’ s decision to end his bid for the White House , @ @ @ @ @ Cory Booker ’ s message of love and unity to hold it together , a @ @ @ @ @ rage had spread through the Democratic presidential field .
According to eyewitnesses , absent Booker @ @ @ @ @ for those with different viewpoints and compassion for one ’ s political enemies , a @ @ @ @ @ among the candidates , with Joe Biden taking a tire iron to a campaign bus @ @ @ @ @ full speed through a group of the former vice president ’ s canvassers .
The @ @ @ @ @ cooperation in the political atmosphere also reportedly led Amy Klobuchar to drag Andrew Yang by @ @ @ @ @ of Des Moines , kick the entrepreneur unconscious , and throw him into a river @ @ @ @ @ Mike Bloomberg is said to have responded to the primary race ’ s new climate @ @ @ @ @ dozens of working-class Iowans until they agreed to vote for him .

DES MOINES, IA—Following the New Jersey senator’s decision to end his bid for the White House, sources confirmed Tuesday that without Cory Booker’s message of love and unity to hold it together, a bloody wave of chaos and rage had spread through the Democratic presidential field. According to eyewitnesses, absent Booker’s ideals of sympathy for those with different viewpoints and compassion for one’s political enemies, a series of violent attacks erupted among the candidates, with Joe Biden taking a tire iron to a campaign bus Pete Buttigieg had driven at full speed through a group of the former vice president’s canvassers. The sudden lack of caring and cooperation in the political atmosphere also reportedly led Amy Klobuchar to drag Andrew Yang by the hair through the streets of Des Moines, kick the entrepreneur unconscious, and throw him into a river. At press time, Mike Bloomberg is said to have responded to the primary race’s new climate by going door-to-door and pistol-whipping dozens of working-class Iowans until they agreed to vote for him.


theonion--2020-01-14--Queen Elizabeth II Allows Prince Harry, Meghan Markle To Split Time Between U.K., Canada

Saying she respects the couple ’ s hopes to “ live a more independent life as a family , ” @ @ @ @ @ will allow Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to transition to end their reliance on public @ @ @ @ @ between the United Kingdom and Canada .
What do you think ?
“ In the @ @ @ @ @ probably best to spread the royal family around to avoid more inbreeding.
” “ Okay @ @ @ @ @ the Thunder Bay Historical Museum , she ’ s never getting them back .
”

Saying she respects the couple’s hopes to “live a more independent life as a family,” Queen Elizabeth II announced she will allow Prince Harry and Meghan Markle to transition to end their reliance on public funds and split their time between the United Kingdom and Canada. What do you think?
“Just wait till the Ottawa tabloids sink their teeth into them.” Jasmin Fuentes • Systems Analyst
“In the end, it’s probably best to spread the royal family around to avoid more inbreeding.” Brett Brooks • Statuette Engraver
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theonion--2020-01-14--Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female P

Sanders Campaign Doubles Down With New Ad Warning Americans They’ll Never Be Able To Hear A Female President Over The Sound Of Her Vacuum

DES MOINES—Responding to accusations by members of the Elizabeth Warren campaign that he told her in a 2018 conversation that he didn ’ t believe a woman could win the presidency , the Bernie Sanders campaign doubled down Tuesday with a new television ad warning Americans that they ’ ll never be able to hear a female president over the sound of her vacuum .
“ I do not believe that we as Americans can risk electing a female candidate who won ’ t address universal healthcare or climate change over the loud racket of her vacuum cleaner coming from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Sanders over an ominous 30-second black-and-white shot of panicked advisors fleeing a national security meeting when the female president , a woman with a beehive hairdo , high heels , and an apron , accidentally filled the room with thick smoke after burning a pan of cookies in the briefing room oven .
“ When you make your decision about the Democratic nominee , consider whether you want a president who is divided between making policy decisions and scrubbing the floors , or trying to take care of our veterans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crying baby .
Not to mention the hair dryer whirring all day and night as the lady president does her hair .
And how does she expect to keep America safe when she ’ s constantly distracting our top generals by asking them for help opening difficult jars ?
Maybe we as a nation will be ready for a female president in 2024 , if technology has improved so that vacuums are quieter , but until then we can ’ t afford to take the chance.
” The Warren campaign reportedly responded with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was disappointed that Sanders had called her every single day since 2016 to say that women should never be allowed in public without a male escort but that she didn ’ t want to discuss the matter further and risk being divisive .

DES MOINES—Responding to accusations by members of the Elizabeth Warren campaign that he told her in a 2018 conversation that he didn’t believe a woman could win the presidency, the Bernie Sanders campaign doubled down Tuesday with a new television ad warning Americans that they’ll never be able to hear a female president over the sound of her vacuum. “I do not believe that we as Americans can risk electing a female candidate who won’t address universal healthcare or climate change over the loud racket of her vacuum cleaner coming from the Oval Office 24 hours a day,” said Sanders over an ominous 30-second black-and-white shot of panicked advisors fleeing a national security meeting when the female president, a woman with a beehive hairdo, high heels, and an apron, accidentally filled the room with thick smoke after burning a pan of cookies in the briefing room oven. “When you make your decision about the Democratic nominee, consider whether you want a president who is divided between making policy decisions and scrubbing the floors, or trying to take care of our veterans when she’s preoccupied with her crying baby. Not to mention the hair dryer whirring all day and night as the lady president does her hair. And how does she expect to keep America safe when she’s constantly distracting our top generals by asking them for help opening difficult jars? Maybe we as a nation will be ready for a female president in 2024, if technology has improved so that vacuums are quieter, but until then we can’t afford to take the chance.” The Warren campaign reportedly responded with a fundraising email stating that the candidate was disappointed that Sanders had called her every single day since 2016 to say that women should never be allowed in public without a male escort but that she didn’t want to discuss the matter further and risk being divisive.


theonion--2020-01-14--Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Race

Booker Drops Out Of 2020 Race

Cory Booker announced on Monday that he will suspend his run for the Democratic Party presidential nomination , ending a @ @ @ @ @ numbers and fundraising totals and leaving the race with only one African American candidate in @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ How did we get from the most diverse @ @ @ @ @ one without a single Cory ?
” “ Wow , who thought becoming president would @ @ @ @ @ these candidates .
”

Cory Booker announced on Monday that he will suspend his run for the Democratic Party presidential nomination, ending a campaign nagged by low polling numbers and fundraising totals and leaving the race with only one African American candidate in former Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick. What do you think?
“How did we get from the most diverse Democratic field in history to one without a single Cory?” Natalya Hubbard • Feline Chiropractor
“Wow, who thought becoming president would prove so tough for all these candidates.” Harry Freeman • Lint Sweeper
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theonion--2020-01-14--Swing Voter Really Relates To Buttigieg’s Complete Lack Of Conviction

DES MOINES , IA—Praising the former South Bend , IN mayor as a “ true champion ” of nothing in particular , local swing voter Chris Fernsby told reporters Tuesday he felt a deep connection with presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg ’ s complete lack of conviction .
“ As a generally noncommittal person without any firm ideas about how our government should be run , I can see a lot of myself in this up-and-coming young leader with no discernible political identity , ” said Fernsby , who added that Buttigieg ’ s vague but carefully focus-grouped positions on Medicare @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his own indecisive and shifting mindset when it came to issues at stake in the 2020 election .
“ Do I have strong views on affordable housing or how much public college tuition should cost ?
No .
But you know what ?
Neither does Pete Buttigieg .
When I listen to his uplifting , substance-free rhetoric , the only thing I can tell for sure is that he really , really wants to be president .
And that ’ s good enough for me !
” Fernsby went on to add that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Democratic nomination , he still planned to vote for President Trump in the general election .

DES MOINES, IA—Praising the former South Bend, IN mayor as a “true champion” of nothing in particular, local swing voter Chris Fernsby told reporters Tuesday he felt a deep connection with presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg’s complete lack of conviction. “As a generally noncommittal person without any firm ideas about how our government should be run, I can see a lot of myself in this up-and-coming young leader with no discernible political identity,” said Fernsby, who added that Buttigieg’s vague but carefully focus-grouped positions on Medicare for All and police reform perfectly captured his own indecisive and shifting mindset when it came to issues at stake in the 2020 election. “Do I have strong views on affordable housing or how much public college tuition should cost? No. But you know what? Neither does Pete Buttigieg. When I listen to his uplifting, substance-free rhetoric, the only thing I can tell for sure is that he really, really wants to be president. And that’s good enough for me!” Fernsby went on to add that while he intended to support Buttigieg for the Democratic nomination, he still planned to vote for President Trump in the general election.


theonion--2020-01-15--CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Ca

CNN Reminds Debate Participants To Keep Personal Attacks Off The Stage In Favor Of New Confession Cam Backstage

DES MOINES , IA—Reaffirming their commitment to facilitating a civil , constructive event , CNN moderators reminded Democratic debate participants Tuesday to keep personal attacks off the stage in favor of the new confessional cam backstage .
“ We want to have an honest discussion about policies and positions , so if you have any vicious insults or cheap shots you want to take , we ask that you hold back until we have you mic ’ d up and sitting somewhere cushy , ” said moderator Wolf Blitzer , who added that in the offhand chance candidates didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a CNN producer would be able to assist them by offering them a glass of champagne or shot of tequila and some helpful prompts .
“ Verbal abuse will not be tolerated on the debate stage , but if you want to call Pete Buttigieg a spineless little bitch in front of the confession cam , we ask that you please go off .
Voters have an important choice to make , so we ask that you let any unpleasant feelings build up inside of you until you have the opportunity to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hour and then falling asleep in front of the confession cam is simply standard debate etiquette.
” Blitzer added that the footage would be shared in a two-hour-long special following the debate .

DES MOINES, IA—Reaffirming their commitment to facilitating a civil, constructive event, CNN moderators reminded Democratic debate participants Tuesday to keep personal attacks off the stage in favor of the new confessional cam backstage. “We want to have an honest discussion about policies and positions, so if you have any vicious insults or cheap shots you want to take, we ask that you hold back until we have you mic’d up and sitting somewhere cushy,” said moderator Wolf Blitzer, who added that in the offhand chance candidates didn’t have anything negative to say, a CNN producer would be able to assist them by offering them a glass of champagne or shot of tequila and some helpful prompts. “Verbal abuse will not be tolerated on the debate stage, but if you want to call Pete Buttigieg a spineless little bitch in front of the confession cam, we ask that you please go off. Voters have an important choice to make, so we ask that you let any unpleasant feelings build up inside of you until you have the opportunity to get backstage and explode. Crying for an hour and then falling asleep in front of the confession cam is simply standard debate etiquette.” Blitzer added that the footage would be shared in a two-hour-long special following the debate.


theonion--2020-01-15--CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Repro

CNN Moderator Challenges Sanders’ Support For Women By Asking Him To Name Every Part Of Female Reproductive System

DES MOINES , IA—In light of the Democratic presidential candidate ’ s alleged comments on the electiblity of a female @ @ @ @ @ Wolf Blitzer challenged Bernie Sanders Tuesday to prove his support for women by accurately naming @ @ @ @ @ reproductive system .
“ All of them—you have 30 seconds , ” said Blitzer , @ @ @ @ @ diagram of the female reproductive organs .
“ As a progressive candidate , this is @ @ @ @ @ advocacy for women ’ s rights once and for all by listing every part of @ @ @ @ @ and external , in alphabetical order and then from largest to smallest .
Don ’ @ @ @ @ @ ligaments or blood vessels.
” At press time , Sanders attempted to transition to discussing @ @ @ @ @ and forced to draw the vulva .

DES MOINES, IA—In light of the Democratic presidential candidate’s alleged comments on the electiblity of a female candidate, CNN debate moderator Wolf Blitzer challenged Bernie Sanders Tuesday to prove his support for women by accurately naming each part of the female reproductive system. “All of them—you have 30 seconds,” said Blitzer, gesturing toward an unlabeled anatomical diagram of the female reproductive organs. “As a progressive candidate, this is your opportunity to show your advocacy for women’s rights once and for all by listing every part of the female genitalia, internal and external, in alphabetical order and then from largest to smallest. Don’t forget any of the ligaments or blood vessels.” At press time, Sanders attempted to transition to discussing policy before being cut off and forced to draw the vulva.


theonion--2020-01-15--CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Deba

CNN Figures It Can Soak Tom Steyer For Couple Million By Pretending It Costs Money To Appear In Debate

DES MOINES , IA—Speculating that the candidate would not raise an objection to any sum they named , CNN officials reported Tuesday that they figured the network could soak Tom Steyer for a few million simply by pretending that it costs money to appear in that evening ’ s debate .
“ Here ’ s what I ’ m thinking : We just rattle off an email to Tom ’ s campaign mentioning that we hadn ’ t gotten his $ 2.5 million debate fee , see if any of his staffers bat an eye , and then take things @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jeff Zucker , noting that his team had already received prompt and courteous payment from Steyer ’ s campaign after sending them an itemized list suggesting the network required reimbursement for the candidate ’ s podium and microphone alongside a per-question fee for Wolf Blitzer ’ s time .
“ Early on , I told one of his chief aides that we were going to bill them for every word he uttered , and he just nodded and said ‘ uh-huh , sounds good.
’ God , he was actually surprised that we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ PBS had at the last debate.
” At press time , Steyer was spotted frantically searching his suit pockets after a stage tech informed the businessman that he had failed to compensate the network with $ 500 for its customary entrance fee .

DES MOINES, IA—Speculating that the candidate would not raise an objection to any sum they named, CNN officials reported Tuesday that they figured the network could soak Tom Steyer for a few million simply by pretending that it costs money to appear in that evening’s debate. “Here’s what I’m thinking: We just rattle off an email to Tom’s campaign mentioning that we hadn’t gotten his $2.5 million debate fee, see if any of his staffers bat an eye, and then take things from there,” said CNN president Jeff Zucker, noting that his team had already received prompt and courteous payment from Steyer’s campaign after sending them an itemized list suggesting the network required reimbursement for the candidate’s podium and microphone alongside a per-question fee for Wolf Blitzer’s time. “Early on, I told one of his chief aides that we were going to bill them for every word he uttered, and he just nodded and said ‘uh-huh, sounds good.’ God, he was actually surprised that we were charging them so much less than PBS had at the last debate.” At press time, Steyer was spotted frantically searching his suit pockets after a stage tech informed the businessman that he had failed to compensate the network with $500 for its customary entrance fee.


theonion--2020-01-15--House To Send Impeachment Articles To Senate

After a 228-to-193 vote in favor of proceeding , the House of Representatives will send two articles of impeachment against @ @ @ @ @ despite concerns about Senate Leader Mitch McConnell ’ s impartiality and refusal to call witnesses @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ I knew the House would be found guilty @ @ @ @ @ impeachment to the Senate.
” “ The sooner they get this over with , the @ @ @ @ @ on Trump ’ s next impeachment.
” “ Instead of this partisan charade , shouldn @ @ @ @ @ be focusing on ineffectually passing laws for Mitch McConnell to block ?
”

After a 228-to-193 vote in favor of proceeding, the House of Representatives will send two articles of impeachment against President Trump to the Senate despite concerns about Senate Leader Mitch McConnell’s impartiality and refusal to call witnesses to testify in the trial. What do you think?
“I knew the House would be found guilty of sending the articles of impeachment to the Senate.” Jane Farrington • Factory Overseer
“The sooner they get this over with, the sooner they can get started on Trump’s next impeachment.” Eric Fleming • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-01-15--Public Disapproval Of Iran Approach Convinces Trump To Reverse Soleimani Killing

WASHINGTON—Backtracking in light of recent polls that indicate public dismay over his handling of Iran , President Trump announced Wednesday he was moving forward with a plan to reverse the killing of top Iranian general Qassem Soleimani .
“ I have overturned the decision to assassinate Gen. Soleimani and ordered our military to rescind the Jan. 3 drone strike that destroyed his convoy at Baghdad International Airport , ” said Trump , who explained the move would revoke Soleimani ’ s status as a Shiite martyr and decrease the likelihood of the United States being drawn into an unpopular war @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Force operation that killed the general was conducted without the consent of Congress and , more significantly , without the backing of the American people .
So today our forces in the region will take immediate action to return Soleimani to his family unexploded .
This doesn ’ t mean we won ’ t take him out in a future operation if surveys indicate a majority of swing-state voters approve of such an action , but for now we will allow him to resume command of the Quds Force.
” The president added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ polls that would convince him to retract his October decision to let Turkey kill hundreds of Kurdish civilians in Syria .

WASHINGTON—Backtracking in light of recent polls that indicate public dismay over his handling of Iran, President Trump announced Wednesday he was moving forward with a plan to reverse the killing of top Iranian general Qassem Soleimani. “I have overturned the decision to assassinate Gen. Soleimani and ordered our military to rescind the Jan. 3 drone strike that destroyed his convoy at Baghdad International Airport,” said Trump, who explained the move would revoke Soleimani’s status as a Shiite martyr and decrease the likelihood of the United States being drawn into an unpopular war with Iran. “The U.S. Air Force operation that killed the general was conducted without the consent of Congress and, more significantly, without the backing of the American people. So today our forces in the region will take immediate action to return Soleimani to his family unexploded. This doesn’t mean we won’t take him out in a future operation if surveys indicate a majority of swing-state voters approve of such an action, but for now we will allow him to resume command of the Quds Force.” The president added that he has yet to see any polls that would convince him to retract his October decision to let Turkey kill hundreds of Kurdish civilians in Syria.