theonion--2020-01-22--PornHub Announces Contest To Allow One User Under 18 To View Content

MONTREAL—Shocking the internet with their offer to allow one fortunate adolescent the once-in-a-lifetime chance to look at adult material online , pornographic website PornHub announced a contest Wednesday which would allow one winning under-18 entrant to view its content .
“ We are proud to offer one lucky minor the incredibly rare opportunity to view both still photography of naked people and videos of people having sex with each other—sights that no one under 18 has ever before encountered on the internet—for a 24-hour period , ” said Vice President of Operations Corey Price , explaining that anyone up to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grand prize , a PornHub password that would allow the underage winner to experience the sight of total nudity .
“ The best part is that you don ’ t need permission from a parent or legal guardian .
As long as you ’ re a teen , tween , or younger and love porn , you ’ re eligible to participate.
” The winner will reportedly be expected to sign a legally binding non-disclosure agreement ensuring they will not describe anything they see to anyone else who is under the age of @ @

MONTREAL—Shocking the internet with their offer to allow one fortunate adolescent the once-in-a-lifetime chance to look at adult material online, pornographic website PornHub announced a contest Wednesday which would allow one winning under-18 entrant to view its content. “We are proud to offer one lucky minor the incredibly rare opportunity to view both still photography of naked people and videos of people having sex with each other—sights that no one under 18 has ever before encountered on the internet—for a 24-hour period,” said Vice President of Operations Corey Price, explaining that anyone up to age 17 could enter to win the grand prize, a PornHub password that would allow the underage winner to experience the sight of total nudity. “The best part is that you don’t need permission from a parent or legal guardian. As long as you’re a teen, tween, or younger and love porn, you’re eligible to participate.” The winner will reportedly be expected to sign a legally binding non-disclosure agreement ensuring they will not describe anything they see to anyone else who is under the age of 18.


theonion--2020-01-22--God Stumbles On Old, Beat-Up Planet That He Carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ All Over

THE HEAVENS—Reminiscing over how much time had passed since His days as a younger deity , God , Our Heavenly Father , expressed His nostalgia and delight Wednesday after stumbling on the old , beat-up planet He carved ‘ Mötley Crüe ’ all over .
“ Holy shit , I haven ’ t seen this in decades !
” exclaimed the Lord , noting that He can still remember the hours spent scrawling every lyric from “ Shout At The Devil ” into the planet ’ s northern ice cap while daydreaming of one day fronting his own heavy metal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this is really bringing Me back .
I used to stash all My Zippos and rolling papers under those mountains back there and just rock out .
Good times .
I suppose it is a little embarrassing to see how into Vince Neil I was , but hey , I was just a kid back then .
I didn ’ t know any better .
In my defense , I got super into Slayer and Megadeth just after this.
” At press time , His Holiness was using a 4-track to finally record @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on releasing .

THE HEAVENS—Reminiscing over how much time had passed since His days as a younger deity, God, Our Heavenly Father, expressed His nostalgia and delight Wednesday after stumbling on the old, beat-up planet He carved ‘Mötley Crüe’ all over. “Holy shit, I haven’t seen this in decades!” exclaimed the Lord, noting that He can still remember the hours spent scrawling every lyric from “Shout At The Devil” into the planet’s northern ice cap while daydreaming of one day fronting his own heavy metal band. “Oh, man, this is really bringing Me back. I used to stash all My Zippos and rolling papers under those mountains back there and just rock out. Good times. I suppose it is a little embarrassing to see how into Vince Neil I was, but hey, I was just a kid back then. I didn’t know any better. In my defense, I got super into Slayer and Megadeth just after this.” At press time, His Holiness was using a 4-track to finally record the demo album He had always planned on releasing.


theonion--2020-01-22--Senate Republicans Force Through Resolution Establishing Wingstop As Official Sponsor Of Impeachment

Senate Republicans Force Through Resolution Establishing Wingstop As Official Sponsor Of Impeachment Trial

WASHINGTON—Over the objections of Democrats who decried the measure as not receiving sufficient debate on the congressional floor , Senate Republicans forced through a resolution Wednesday establishing Wingstop as the official sponsor of President Donald Trump ’ s impeachment trial .
“ Resolved that effective immediately , all questions , witness statements , and other utterances must include a recommendation to eat at Wingstop , and the Wingstop logo must be clearly visible on all name placards , subpoenaed documents , and other written material , ” read Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ( R-KY ) from the resolution on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s $ 25 million deal to sponsor the impeachment trial was the best offer Congress received and ignoring pleas from Minority Leader Chuck Schumer ( D-NY ) to wait for Panera Bread to finalize its proposal .
“ This resolution also stipulates that each senator must be photographed with Wingstop ’ s lemon pepper wings on each day of the trial as part of our promotion , all social media posts about the impeachment must be accompanied with the # RightWingstop hashtag , and that the only food permitted in the chamber will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ veggie sticks and a 20-ounce soft drink .
This is in order to ensure the impeachment trial remains a place where flavor gets its wings .
Democracy works best when we ’ re full of chicken.
” The resolution did make an exception , however , for Chief Justice John Roberts , who informed the Senate that the Wingstop contract could not apply to him , as he has an exclusive sponsorship with Buffalo Wild Wings .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

WASHINGTON—Over the objections of Democrats who decried the measure as not receiving sufficient debate on the congressional floor, Senate Republicans forced through a resolution Wednesday establishing Wingstop as the official sponsor of President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial. “Resolved that effective immediately, all questions, witness statements, and other utterances must include a recommendation to eat at Wingstop, and the Wingstop logo must be clearly visible on all name placards, subpoenaed documents, and other written material,” read Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) from the resolution on the Senate floor, adding that Wingstop’s $25 million deal to sponsor the impeachment trial was the best offer Congress received and ignoring pleas from Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-NY) to wait for Panera Bread to finalize its proposal. “This resolution also stipulates that each senator must be photographed with Wingstop’s lemon pepper wings on each day of the trial as part of our promotion, all social media posts about the impeachment must be accompanied with the #RightWingstop hashtag, and that the only food permitted in the chamber will be Wingstop wing combos with fries or veggie sticks and a 20-ounce soft drink. This is in order to ensure the impeachment trial remains a place where flavor gets its wings. Democracy works best when we’re full of chicken.” The resolution did make an exception, however, for Chief Justice John Roberts, who informed the Senate that the Wingstop contract could not apply to him, as he has an exclusive sponsorship with Buffalo Wild Wings.


theonion--2020-01-22--‘Well, I Could Do That’ Says Art Museum Attendee Viewing Security Guard On Lunch Break

NEW YORK—Shaking his head in disbelief at what passes for art these days , museum visitor Francis Bach was reportedly heard muttering “ Well , I could do that ” to himself while viewing a Metropolitan Museum of Art security guard on his lunch break .
“ This doesn ’ t really seem all that impressive , ” said the 46-year-old , noting the mayonnaise clearly visible all over the edges of the bread on the guard ’ s “ haphazard , makeshift ” sandwich , which was accompanied by a bruised banana and a diet Coke and clearly thrown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Maybe I just don ’ t get it ?
But to be honest , I don ’ t think there ’ s anything to get .
Ham and cheese on wheat bread seems like the most obvious thing in the world .
My second-grader could come up with something better than that .
I suppose it might be a comment on sandwiches or the food industry , but even so , it ’ s not like that took a lot of skill or vision to pull off.
” Bach later changed his mind @ @ @ @ @ @ @ getting really close to the seated guard .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

NEW YORK—Shaking his head in disbelief at what passes for art these days, museum visitor Francis Bach was reportedly heard muttering “Well, I could do that” to himself while viewing a Metropolitan Museum of Art security guard on his lunch break. “This doesn’t really seem all that impressive,” said the 46-year-old, noting the mayonnaise clearly visible all over the edges of the bread on the guard’s “haphazard, makeshift” sandwich, which was accompanied by a bruised banana and a diet Coke and clearly thrown together at the last minute. “Maybe I just don’t get it? But to be honest, I don’t think there’s anything to get. Ham and cheese on wheat bread seems like the most obvious thing in the world. My second-grader could come up with something better than that. I suppose it might be a comment on sandwiches or the food industry, but even so, it’s not like that took a lot of skill or vision to pull off.” Bach later changed his mind and expressed sheer wonder and amazement after getting really close to the seated guard.


theonion--2020-01-22--The Boeing 747 Turns 50

The Boeing 747 Turns 50

In the 50 years since its first passenger flight , the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft @ @ @ @ @ The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747 ’ s @ @ @ @ @ .
Boeing designs 747 after engineers envision an airplane , only big .
Ahead of @ @ @ @ @ executives place bets on potential casualties .
To ease passengers ’ nerves on the first @ @ @ @ @ is delayed for seven hours .
Boeing revolutionizes commercial air travel again by adding seats @ @ @ @ @ 747 becomes Air Force One , comfortably seating over 400 presidents .
Airbus A380 passes @ @ @ @ @ s largest civilian airplane by adding a spire on top .
U.S. Air Force announces @ @ @ @ @ a very , very , unbelievably fucking expensive Boeing 747 .
Oh wait , that @ @ @ @ @ Boeing plane that crashed .
The 747 is still good .

In the 50 years since its first passenger flight, the Boeing 747 became the most dominant and recognizable craft for commercial air travel. The Onion looks back on the most significant moments in the Boeing 747’s history on its 50-year anniversary.
September 30, 1968:
Boeing designs 747 after engineers envision an airplane, only big.
February 9, 1969:
First successful test flight with monkeys flying plane.
January 21, 1970:
Ahead of first commercial flight, Boeing executives place bets on potential casualties.
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January 22, 1970:
To ease passengers’ nerves on the first commercial 747 flight, takeoff is delayed for seven hours.
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August 3, 1971:
Boeing revolutionizes commercial air travel again by adding seats to all 747s.
July 18, 1985:
10,000th bird sucked into Boeing 747 engine.
February 2, 1990:
A 747 becomes Air Force One, comfortably seating over 400 presidents.
January 18, 2005:
Airbus A380 passes the 747 as world’s largest civilian airplane by adding a spire on top.
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January 28, 2015:
U.S. Air Force announces next presidential aircraft will be a very, very, unbelievably fucking expensive Boeing 747.
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October 29, 2018 :
Oh wait, that was a different kind of Boeing plane that crashed. The 747 is still good.


theonion--2020-01-24--Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths

Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean

WASHINGTON—Denouncing his predecessor ’ s water regulations as overly restrictive , President Donald Trump announced Thursday he was lifting protections enacted by the Obama administration to permanently entomb Gangthor the Malevolent in a murky trench deep below the Pacific Ocean .
“ These horrible rules created by Barack Obama are one of the worst examples of government overreach in our nation ’ s history , and they are totally unfair to the deadly leviathan known as Gangthor , ” said Trump , who was later overheard muttering ancient incantations reportedly intended to loosen the cursèd chains that shackle the nefarious @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I will personally swim to the bottom of the Pacific and use a golden key inscribed with mysterious runes to unlock Gangthor ’ s lair , where he has slumbered since the destructive Clean Water Rule of 2015 was issued .
This shape-shifting , multi-tentacled monster will then once more be unleashed upon the waters of the United States , restoring the property rights of American farmers , fossil fuel companies , and real estate developers.
” The president went on to criticize “ prophets of doom ” who have predicted Gangthor the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smoke and fire upon his release , blocking out the sun and blighting the earth with a thousand years of darkness .

WASHINGTON—Denouncing his predecessor’s water regulations as overly restrictive, President Donald Trump announced Thursday he was lifting protections enacted by the Obama administration to permanently entomb Gangthor the Malevolent in a murky trench deep below the Pacific Ocean. “These horrible rules created by Barack Obama are one of the worst examples of government overreach in our nation’s history, and they are totally unfair to the deadly leviathan known as Gangthor,” said Trump, who was later overheard muttering ancient incantations reportedly intended to loosen the cursèd chains that shackle the nefarious shadow-behemoth to the ocean floor. “I will personally swim to the bottom of the Pacific and use a golden key inscribed with mysterious runes to unlock Gangthor’s lair, where he has slumbered since the destructive Clean Water Rule of 2015 was issued. This shape-shifting, multi-tentacled monster will then once more be unleashed upon the waters of the United States, restoring the property rights of American farmers, fossil fuel companies, and real estate developers.” The president went on to criticize “prophets of doom” who have predicted Gangthor the Malevolent will rise in a column of smoke and fire upon his release, blocking out the sun and blighting the earth with a thousand years of darkness.


theonion--2020-01-23--Judge Denies Dismissal Of Lewdness Charges For Woman Found Topless In Own Home

Judge Kara Pettit rejected the dismissal of charges against Utah resident Tilli Buchanan , a woman charged with lewdness after @ @ @ @ @ beside her husband while installing insulation in their garage .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ t usually lead to a lawsuit in the pornography I watch.
” “ This is @ @ @ @ @ for my insulation needs.
” “ When I was little , my mom used to @ @ @ @ @ , and to this day , she walks free .
”

Judge Kara Pettit rejected the dismissal of charges against Utah resident Tilli Buchanan, a woman charged with lewdness after her stepchildren found her topless beside her husband while installing insulation in their garage. What do you think?
“This situation doesn’t usually lead to a lawsuit in the pornography I watch.” Fatima Ross • Javelin Coach
“This is why I always hire professionals for my insulation needs.” Brett Wegman • Kiosk Architect
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theonion--2020-01-23--Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Cok

Nuclear Scientists Fucking Around In Friend’s Backyard Run Away After Stuffing Fission Bomb Into Coke Can

LOS ALAMOS , NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive ’ s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged @ @ @ @ @ Los Alamos National Laboratory were seen sprinting away from ground zero after stuffing a fission @ @ @ @ @ Coca-Cola in a friend ’ s backyard Friday .
“ Oh shit , dude , @ @ @ @ @ !
Run !
” said fissile materials researcher Mark Chalmers , Ph .
D. , @ @ @ @ @ table as his fellow pranksters recorded the 17-megaton detonation on their smartphones to upload to @ @ @ @ @ man , this is going to be so fucking sweet .
We should put one @ @ @ @ @ a cantaloupe next ; [ Department Head Dr. ] Kevin [ Agajanian ] ’ s @ @ @ @ @ home until 4:30 , so we ’ ve totally got time.
” The researchers were @ @ @ @ @ away the resulting 12,000-foot tall enormous mushroom cloud after hearing a car pull into the @ @

LOS ALAMOS, NM—Giggling as they made sure the atomic explosive’s tritium-deuterium ignition module had been properly engaged, nuclear scientists employed at Los Alamos National Laboratory were seen sprinting away from ground zero after stuffing a fission bomb into a can of Coca-Cola in a friend’s backyard Friday. “Oh shit, dude, it’s going supercritical—Run! Run!” said fissile materials researcher Mark Chalmers, Ph. D., ducking down behind a picnic table as his fellow pranksters recorded the 17-megaton detonation on their smartphones to upload to YouTube later. “Oh man, this is going to be so fucking sweet. We should put one of the Davy Crocketts in a cantaloupe next; [Department Head Dr.] Kevin [Agajanian]’s parents aren’t coming home until 4:30, so we’ve totally got time.” The researchers were later seen trying to blow away the resulting 12,000-foot tall enormous mushroom cloud after hearing a car pull into the driveway.


theonion--2020-01-23--‘Kingdom Hearts III’ DLC Developers Panicking After Realizing ‘Shrek’ Not Owned By Disney

After spending countless hours integrating elements from the popular 2001 animated fantasy film into role-playing game Kingdom Hearts III ’ s upcoming DLC , Japanese developer Square Enix reportedly spent Thursday thrown into a state of panic after realizing Shrek is not owned by Disney but rather by DreamWorks Animation , the studio also responsible for How To Train Your Dragon , Trolls , and Kung Fu Panda .
According to sources , the team of programmers , animators , and engineers made the discovery mere weeks before the scheduled release of the lengthy downloadable content , titled Shrek : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scrambling to salvage the extensive Shrek-based assets they had already developed , including detailed computer renderings of the titular green ogre , game mechanics implementing Donkey ’ s laugh as an attack , and hundreds of hours of voiceovers from Mike Myers , Cameron Diaz , and other cast members of the original animated DreamWorks comedy .
“ Goddammit , we spent $ 15 million on working out a storyline to fit Sora into the realm of Far , Far Away , and no one even thought to ask legal if we owned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Square Enix project leader Kanoko Watanabe , rapidly rushing through the digital assets of Lord Farquaad ’ s kingdom and a Three Little Pigs minigame on her computer as she attempted to discover a single facet of the DLC that could be salvaged .
“ Can we save any of this ?
Maybe the side-quest where the team joins up with Shrek to defeat the Big Bad Wolf ?
Or the dance sequence to ‘ Accidentally In Love ’ ?
God , I spent a full weekend without sleep trying to get that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s six months of my life right down the drain , ” added a visibly exhausted Watanabe , as she brought up an immaculately rendered level in which the Gingerbread Man must flee from a hungry Evil Queen to find safety in Shrek ’ s Swamp .
Although Square Enix designers initially contemplated skirting DreamWorks ’ s copyright by making slight alterations—such as changing Shrek ’ s skin color to blue or renaming Puss in Boots as Mercenary Cat— sources confirmed that the studio ’ s legal department quickly shot down that possibility @ @ @ @ @ @ @ creators to consider the sobering likelihood that they had created nearly eight hours of unusable and possibly illegal gameplay sequences featuring Disney characters such as WALL-E , Buzz Lightyear , and Donald Duck palling around with Princess Fiona and the rest of the Shrek gang .
“ Jesus , we already paid Eddie Murphy to do the voices , and John Lithgow just finished up two weeks of motion capture , ” said Watanabe , dumbfounded that the stars would be either ignorant or callous enough to play along with the conceit that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into the game .
“ And I don ’ t even want to know how much we shelled out getting [ original screenwriter ] Ted Elliott to come in and punch up the script .
They had to know that we could never release this game , right ?
Right ?
” “ I mean , maybe we could just release it to the public and just see if no one notices ?
” she added , before dashing her hopes by admitting that every piece of promotional content for the DLC featured @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Baby .
At press time , Disney had quickly solved any problems by purchasing DreamWorks Pictures and all of its associated properties for $ 3.8 billion .

The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The Onion to The Onion

After spending countless hours integrating elements from the popular 2001 animated fantasy film into role-playing game Kingdom Hearts III’s upcoming DLC, Japanese developer Square Enix reportedly spent Thursday thrown into a state of panic after realizing Shrek is not owned by Disney but rather by DreamWorks Animation, the studio also responsible for How To Train Your Dragon, Trolls, and Kung Fu Panda.
According to sources, the team of programmers, animators, and engineers made the discovery mere weeks before the scheduled release of the lengthy downloadable content, titled Shrek: Happily Ever After, sending the studio scrambling to salvage the extensive Shrek-based assets they had already developed, including detailed computer renderings of the titular green ogre, game mechanics implementing Donkey’s laugh as an attack, and hundreds of hours of voiceovers from Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, and other cast members of the original animated DreamWorks comedy.
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“Goddammit, we spent $15 million on working out a storyline to fit Sora into the realm of Far, Far Away, and no one even thought to ask legal if we owned the rights to Shrek?” said Square Enix project leader Kanoko Watanabe, rapidly rushing through the digital assets of Lord Farquaad’s kingdom and a Three Little Pigs minigame on her computer as she attempted to discover a single facet of the DLC that could be salvaged. “Can we save any of this? Maybe the side-quest where the team joins up with Shrek to defeat the Big Bad Wolf? Or the dance sequence to ‘Accidentally In Love’? God, I spent a full weekend without sleep trying to get that cutscene just right.”
“That’s six months of my life right down the drain,” added a visibly exhausted Watanabe, as she brought up an immaculately rendered level in which the Gingerbread Man must flee from a hungry Evil Queen to find safety in Shrek’s Swamp.
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Although Square Enix designers initially contemplated skirting DreamWorks’s copyright by making slight alterations—such as changing Shrek’s skin color to blue or renaming Puss in Boots as Mercenary Cat— sources confirmed that the studio’s legal department quickly shot down that possibility, leaving the downloadable content’s creators to consider the sobering likelihood that they had created nearly eight hours of unusable and possibly illegal gameplay sequences featuring Disney characters such as WALL-E, Buzz Lightyear, and Donald Duck palling around with Princess Fiona and the rest of the Shrek gang.
“Jesus, we already paid Eddie Murphy to do the voices, and John Lithgow just finished up two weeks of motion capture,” said Watanabe, dumbfounded that the stars would be either ignorant or callous enough to play along with the conceit that Square Enix could ever incorporate their characters into the game. “And I don’t even want to know how much we shelled out getting [original screenwriter] Ted Elliott to come in and punch up the script. They had to know that we could never release this game, right? Right?”
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“I mean, maybe we could just release it to the public and just see if no one notices?” she added, before dashing her hopes by admitting that every piece of promotional content for the DLC featured Sora fighting alongside Shrek and the Boss Baby.
At press time, Disney had quickly solved any problems by purchasing DreamWorks Pictures and all of its associated properties for $3.8 billion.


theonion--2020-01-23--U.S. Joins One Trillion Tree Pledge

U.S. Joins One Trillion Tree Pledge

President Trump announced plans for the U.S. to join the One Trillion Tree initiative launched at the World Economic Forum @ @ @ @ @ climate change , a move that environmentalist such as Greta Thunberg said were “ good @ @ @ @ @ effective method of addressing the warming planet compared to ending fossil fuel use and funding @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Someone should tell Greta that comparison is the thief @ @ @ @ @ applaud President Trump for having the courage to aggressively combat this complete and total hoax.
@ @ @ @ @ a good idea to let trees outnumber us like that ?
”

President Trump announced plans for the U.S. to join the One Trillion Tree initiative launched at the World Economic Forum as a means to combat climate change, a move that environmentalist such as Greta Thunberg said were “good” but were not an effective method of addressing the warming planet compared to ending fossil fuel use and funding solar and wind production. What do you think?
“Someone should tell Greta that comparison is the thief of joy.” Libby Ryder • Contract Terminator
“I applaud President Trump for having the courage to aggressively combat this complete and total hoax.” Alastair Finnegan • Coin Craftsman
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theonion--2020-01-23--New Comcast Bundle Deal Includes 24/7 Live-In Technical Support

CHICAGO—In response to ongoing complaints of unexpected outages and subpar customer service response times , cable provider Comcast debuted a new bundle deal Thursday that includes 24/7 live-in technical support .
“ After analyzing customer feedback , we ’ ve realized that expecting our customers to set aside a six-hour block to be home every week is unrealistic , so we ’ re sending some of our best people to stay on their couches , ” said Comcast head of market strategy Travis Porter , noting that higher-tier packages also include an optional air mattress or cot .
“ Whenever @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phone , or internet , your live-in technician will walk into your living room to help answer any questions .
We should note that his or her English may not be great , so we do ask our customers to be patient .
Additionally , we recommend customers not to stack a bunch of stuff on top of the technician in order to prevent overheating.
” Comcast confirmed that , in addition to the monthly rate , customers would also be responsible for paying a monthly activation fee to cover any nutritional needs @

CHICAGO—In response to ongoing complaints of unexpected outages and subpar customer service response times, cable provider Comcast debuted a new bundle deal Thursday that includes 24/7 live-in technical support. “After analyzing customer feedback, we’ve realized that expecting our customers to set aside a six-hour block to be home every week is unrealistic, so we’re sending some of our best people to stay on their couches,” said Comcast head of market strategy Travis Porter, noting that higher-tier packages also include an optional air mattress or cot. “Whenever you need assistance with your cable, phone, or internet, your live-in technician will walk into your living room to help answer any questions. We should note that his or her English may not be great, so we do ask our customers to be patient. Additionally, we recommend customers not to stack a bunch of stuff on top of the technician in order to prevent overheating.” Comcast confirmed that, in addition to the monthly rate, customers would also be responsible for paying a monthly activation fee to cover any nutritional needs.


theonion--2020-01-23--Last Remaining Chinese Paddlefish Cackling In Rafters Of World Wildlife Fund Press Conference Declar

Last Remaining Chinese Paddlefish Cackling In Rafters Of World Wildlife Fund Press Conference Declaring It Extinct

GLAND , SWITZERLAND—Sneering with delight from a darkened catwalk far above the audience , the final remaining Chinese Paddlefish was @ @ @ @ @ rafters of a World Wildlife Fund press conference declaring it extinct .
“ Look at @ @ @ @ @ their phony tears and empty words , little realizing that it was all a canard @ @ @ @ @ here in the shadows , soaking it in , ” said the last extant member @ @ @ @ @ smirking down at the speakers below mourning the eradication of its species .
“ So @ @ @ @ @ ’ s like to witness one ’ s own death , eh ?
And after @ @ @ @ @ to do whatever I want , free for my grand machinations to begin.
” At @ @ @ @ @ primarily freshwater fish had gotten tangled in a rope and fallen onto the stage below @ @ @ @ @ from the crowd .

GLAND, SWITZERLAND—Sneering with delight from a darkened catwalk far above the audience, the final remaining Chinese Paddlefish was reportedly cackling Thursday in the rafters of a World Wildlife Fund press conference declaring it extinct. “Look at those fools down there with their phony tears and empty words, little realizing that it was all a canard, that I’m here in the shadows, soaking it in,” said the last extant member of the Psephurus genus, smirking down at the speakers below mourning the eradication of its species. “So, this is what it’s like to witness one’s own death, eh? And after this, I am free to do whatever I want, free for my grand machinations to begin.” At press time, the large primarily freshwater fish had gotten tangled in a rope and fallen onto the stage below, eliciting gasps of shock from the crowd.


theonion--2020-01-24--China Locks Down 6 Cities To Combat Coronavirus

In an effort to combat the spread of a virus that has already been detected in more than 500 citizens @ @ @ @ @ locked down transportation in or out of six coronavirus-infected cities , including Wuhan , Hubei @ @ @ @ @ million people where the virus first emerged .
What do you think ?
“ I @ @ @ @ @ those cities are in the U.S .
”

In an effort to combat the spread of a virus that has already been detected in more than 500 citizens, the Chinese government has locked down transportation in or out of six coronavirus-infected cities, including Wuhan, Hubei’s capital of 11 million people where the virus first emerged. What do you think?
“That’s a shame. Traveling is my favorite thing to do when I’m sick.” Chris Parkinson • Book Packager
“I hope to God none of those cities are in the U.S.” Kamil Middleton • Layman Translator
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theonion--2020-01-24--Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Elec

Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election

WASHINGTON—Slamming the campaign for promoting the popular podcaster ’ s backing , liberals said Friday that Bernie Sanders ’ s acceptance of Joe Rogan ’ s endorsement sends a dangerous message that the candidate is trying to win the 2020 presidential election .
“ This is just the Sanders campaign opening the gates to a plurality of people who would vote for him and help him win the presidency , ” said political commentator Scott Griffin , who called the campaign ’ s promotion of Rogan ’ s endorsement a true “ mask off ” moment , exposing Sanders ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and eventually the general election .
“ It ’ s very unnerving to see a Democratic candidate like Bernie Sanders try to court voters from varying constituencies and demographics .
It ’ s like his whole strategy is beating Trump .
We saw hints of this in 2016 , but I ’ m truly sickened to see it rearing its ugly head again .
I ’ m all for creating a Democratic majority , but not if we have to accept more people than the other side has.
” Griffin added that it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attempt this during an election year .

WASHINGTON—Slamming the campaign for promoting the popular podcaster’s backing, liberals said Friday that Bernie Sanders’s acceptance of Joe Rogan’s endorsement sends a dangerous message that the candidate is trying to win the 2020 presidential election. “This is just the Sanders campaign opening the gates to a plurality of people who would vote for him and help him win the presidency,” said political commentator Scott Griffin, who called the campaign’s promotion of Rogan’s endorsement a true “mask off” moment, exposing Sanders’s goal of winning the Democratic primary and eventually the general election. “It’s very unnerving to see a Democratic candidate like Bernie Sanders try to court voters from varying constituencies and demographics. It’s like his whole strategy is beating Trump. We saw hints of this in 2016, but I’m truly sickened to see it rearing its ugly head again. I’m all for creating a Democratic majority, but not if we have to accept more people than the other side has.” Griffin added that it was even more disturbing that Sanders would attempt this during an election year.


theonion--2020-01-24--Melting Giraffe Congressman Warns Impeachment Distracting From Surreal Issues

WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn ’ t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans , melting giraffe congressman Fauna Anuaf reportedly warned Friday that focusing on the impeachment of President Donald Trump was distracting from the surreal issues .
“ When there are so many people in this country imprisoned inside two-dimensional towers or struggling with their legs turning into water , we can not let ourselves get caught up in a biased proceeding that does nothing to address the surreal problems many Americans face , ” said the melting giraffe congressman ( Ŋ-⌛ ) , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were worried about biomorphic trains materializing through their walls , orca whales trapped in bottles on an endless desert landscape , or being flayed on a fainting couch while three heads in bowler hats screamed that their body is a chorus of bodies diffusing under the heat of time itself , not some court proceeding .
“ The moment my constituents poured candle wax into the endless thermometer to elect me to Congress , I took their wailing approval as a solemn reminder to keep focused on the surreal issues .
At every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , my constituents come to slice my eyeball , which I understand as a sign that impeachment doesn ’ t enjoy broad support .
And we need to stop this partisan bickering—I didn ’ t swear an oath to be a Democrat or Republican ; I swore an oath to a butterfly holding another butterfly as a murder weapon that I would incorporate all dreams into my own waking dream .
So can we all just stop for a moment to listen to what the clock faces inside the eye sockets are murmuring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are the surreal voices we should be tasting to.
” At press time , the melting giraffe congressman had called on Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell to consume him .

WASHINGTON—Arguing that a protracted congressional trial wasn’t in the best interests of everyday floating nude Americans, melting giraffe congressman Fauna Anuaf reportedly warned Friday that focusing on the impeachment of President Donald Trump was distracting from the surreal issues. “When there are so many people in this country imprisoned inside two-dimensional towers or struggling with their legs turning into water, we cannot let ourselves get caught up in a biased proceeding that does nothing to address the surreal problems many Americans face,” said the melting giraffe congressman (Ŋ-⌛), adding that in his district, residents were worried about biomorphic trains materializing through their walls, orca whales trapped in bottles on an endless desert landscape, or being flayed on a fainting couch while three heads in bowler hats screamed that their body is a chorus of bodies diffusing under the heat of time itself, not some court proceeding. “The moment my constituents poured candle wax into the endless thermometer to elect me to Congress, I took their wailing approval as a solemn reminder to keep focused on the surreal issues. At every town hall back in my inverted ether, my constituents come to slice my eyeball, which I understand as a sign that impeachment doesn’t enjoy broad support. And we need to stop this partisan bickering—I didn’t swear an oath to be a Democrat or Republican; I swore an oath to a butterfly holding another butterfly as a murder weapon that I would incorporate all dreams into my own waking dream. So can we all just stop for a moment to listen to what the clock faces inside the eye sockets are murmuring and what the red says? Those are the surreal voices we should be tasting to.” At press time, the melting giraffe congressman had called on Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell to consume him.


theonion--2020-01-24--The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions

The Onion’s 2020 Grammy Predictions

The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday , Jan. 26 , honoring the best artists , albums , and songs from the past year .
Here are The Onion ’ s predictions for the 2020 Grammy Awards .
The Lion King : The Gift ( Best Pop Vocal Album ) : A Grammy win was part of the deal Beyoncé signed when she joined the Lion King remake .
Proof that overnight success is possible seven years after your debut album .
Grammy voters hope giving the award to Lana Del Rey ’ s album will make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a Grammy to Norman Rockwell during his life .
“ Happy Days , Lonely Nights ” ( Best Campfire Performance By A Guy Who Can ’ t Really Play A Guitar ) : Even though his guitar was really out of tune and he kept screwing up the F barre chord , Tim Langdon gave his all to his audience , disinterested Boy Scout Troop 244 .
You got a better guess ?
Look , Michelle Obama reading her book into a microphone is obviously going to win , but what ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ here , exactly ?
The genre-bending hit sparked a national conversation about what can be classified as country music and whether anything means anything and what we ’ re all even doing here on this melting rock hurtling through space .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

The 62nd annual Grammy Awards will take place this Sunday, Jan. 26, honoring the best artists, albums, and songs from the past year. Here are The Onion’s predictions for the 2020 Grammy Awards.
The Lion King: The Gift (Best Pop Vocal Album):
A Grammy win was part of the deal Beyoncé signed when she joined the Lion King remake.
Advertisement
Lizzo (Best New Artist):
Proof that overnight success is possible seven years after your debut album.
Norman Fucking Rockwell (Album of the Year):
Grammy voters hope giving the award to Lana Del Rey’s album will make up for their notorious refusal to award a Grammy to Norman Rockwell during his life.
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“Happy Days, Lonely Nights” (Best Campfire Performance By A Guy Who Can’t Really Play A Guitar):
Even though his guitar was really out of tune and he kept screwing up the F barre chord, Tim Langdon gave his all to his audience, disinterested Boy Scout Troop 244.
Advertisement
El Mal Querer (Best Latin Rock, Urban or Alternative Album):
You got a better guess?
“Bad Guy” (Song Of The Year):
Billie Eilish’s smash hit showed music fans that whispering isn’t dead.
Becoming (Best Spoken Word Album):
Look, Michelle Obama reading her book into a microphone is obviously going to win, but what’s our definition of “album,” here, exactly?
Advertisement
“Old Town Road” (Record Of The Year):
The genre-bending hit sparked a national conversation about what can be classified as country music and whether anything means anything and what we’re all even doing here on this melting rock hurtling through space.


theonion--2020-01-24--Weinstein Defense Attorney Implores Jury To Remember How Fun ‘Pulp Fiction’ Is

NEW YORK—In a passionate rebuttal to the many graphic accounts of sexual assault and rape leveled at her client , attorney Donna Rotunno delivered a forceful argument Friday imploring the trial ’ s jurors to keep in mind how fun disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein ’ s 1994 ’ s Pulp Fiction was .
“ Ladies and gentlemen of the jury , I ’ d like to ask you not to forget that without my client ’ s help , Pulp Fiction would have never been made—you remember what a good time Pulp Fiction was , right ?
” said Rotunno @ @ @ @ @ @ @ jurors that the Oscar-winning crime caper ’ s snappy dialogue and whip-smart pop culture references represented the best that Hollywood had to offer , before urging them to honestly recall what a blast they had watching indelible performances like Uma Thurman and John Travolta ’ s turn in the Jack Rabbit Slim ’ s restaurant or Bruce Willis ’ s work in that “ whole gimp basement shootout.
” “ You ’ re going to hear a lot of wild claims about my client ’ s alleged behavior , but none of that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : Samuel L. Jackson is absolutely unforgettable in his climactic redemption scene .
You know that , I know that , and anyone denying that is just fooling themselves.
” After concluding her statement , Rotunno went on to raise an objection to the lead prosecutor ’ s assertion that the Weinstein-produced Jackie Brown was actually pretty standard crime fare and really dragged in the second act due to its glut of forgettable boilerplate characters .

NEW YORK—In a passionate rebuttal to the many graphic accounts of sexual assault and rape leveled at her client, attorney Donna Rotunno delivered a forceful argument Friday imploring the trial’s jurors to keep in mind how fun disgraced producer Harvey Weinstein’s 1994’s Pulp Fiction was. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I’d like to ask you not to forget that without my client’s help, Pulp Fiction would have never been made—you remember what a good time Pulp Fiction was, right?” said Rotunno, who went on to emphasize to jurors that the Oscar-winning crime caper’s snappy dialogue and whip-smart pop culture references represented the best that Hollywood had to offer, before urging them to honestly recall what a blast they had watching indelible performances like Uma Thurman and John Travolta’s turn in the Jack Rabbit Slim’s restaurant or Bruce Willis’s work in that “whole gimp basement shootout.” “You’re going to hear a lot of wild claims about my client’s alleged behavior, but none of that should distract you from the issue hand: Samuel L. Jackson is absolutely unforgettable in his climactic redemption scene. You know that, I know that, and anyone denying that is just fooling themselves.” After concluding her statement, Rotunno went on to raise an objection to the lead prosecutor’s assertion that the Weinstein-produced Jackie Brown was actually pretty standard crime fare and really dragged in the second act due to its glut of forgettable boilerplate characters.


theonion--2020-01-24--Doomsday Clock Set To 100 Seconds To Midnight

Citing the growing threat of climate change and looming threat of nuclear war , the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists @ @ @ @ @ set the doomsday clock to 100 seconds to midnight , the closest the clock has @ @ @ @ @ metaphorical destruction since its creation in 1947 .
What do you think ?
“ Atomic @ @ @ @ @ drum up a little publicity for atomic science again.
” “ I ’ ll be @ @ @ @ @ feelings of dread accordingly.
” “ These scientists are going to be so embarrassed when @ @ @ @ @ end in the next minute and forty seconds .
”

Citing the growing threat of climate change and looming threat of nuclear war, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists’ Science and Security Board set the doomsday clock to 100 seconds to midnight, the closest the clock has been to humanity’s metaphorical destruction since its creation in 1947. What do you think?
“Atomic scientists are just trying to drum up a little publicity for atomic science again.” Ray Barrett • Menu Editor
“I’ll be sure to adjust my constant feelings of dread accordingly.” Hugh Pacheco • Interface Tester
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theonion--2020-01-24--Trump Makes Powerful Pro-Life Case By Speaking About The Joys Of Neglecting A Child

WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall , President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child .
“ Of course , I ’ m a father , and I had my thoughts about terminating them all , but I ’ m standing before you today to tell you that I ’ m glad I didn ’ t because I would never have gotten to experience the simple but incredible pleasures of pawning them off on the help for the first decade @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Trump , defending the anti-abortion movement with a stirring speech about how profoundly being an absent and indifferent father had affected his life .
“ I wish I could describe to you how good it feels to avoid every soccer game and piano recital , and how incredible it ’ s been watching them grow from a child I couldn ’ t care less about to an adult I barely know .
Whether it ’ s Ivanka , Don Jr. , or one of the other two , they ’ ve each @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have known if they had been aborted.
” Trump went on to bring several audience members to tears by describing in detail the moment he first realized he ’ d be able to bully and emotionally terrorize his children forever .

WASHINGTON—Speaking to thousands of March For Life protesters assembled on the National Mall, President Donald Trump took to the stage Friday to make a powerful pro-life case about the joys of neglecting a child. “Of course, I’m a father, and I had my thoughts about terminating them all, but I’m standing before you today to tell you that I’m glad I didn’t because I would never have gotten to experience the simple but incredible pleasures of pawning them off on the help for the first decade or so of their lives,” said Trump, defending the anti-abortion movement with a stirring speech about how profoundly being an absent and indifferent father had affected his life. “I wish I could describe to you how good it feels to avoid every soccer game and piano recital, and how incredible it’s been watching them grow from a child I couldn’t care less about to an adult I barely know. Whether it’s Ivanka, Don Jr., or one of the other two, they’ve each been a blessing that I never would have known if they had been aborted.” Trump went on to bring several audience members to tears by describing in detail the moment he first realized he’d be able to bully and emotionally terrorize his children forever.


theonion--2020-01-24--Eli Manning Retires From NFL To Focus On Being Statistically Average Father

SUMMIT , NJ—Saying his kids deserved to have a committed , half-decent parent who was around from time to time , New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning announced his retirement from the National Football League Friday in an effort to focus on being a statistically average father .
“ I ’ ve had a good run and instead of sticking around as a backup , I figured I ’ d be better served as a replacement-level father , ” said Manning , explaining that he would use his new free time to glance at his daughters ’ homework assignments and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kids know their mother is the cornerstone of this family , but I can still contribute .
I might not be the most accurate when it comes to picking them up on time from school .
And maybe I won ’ t blow them away with great birthday parties or vacations .
But they know I ’ ll show up and do my job.
” At press time , Manning was scrambling after failing to scan the room and letting his daughter ’ s class wander off during a field trip to the @ @ @ @ @

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

SUMMIT, NJ—Saying his kids deserved to have a committed, half-decent parent who was around from time to time, New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning announced his retirement from the National Football League Friday in an effort to focus on being a statistically average father. “I’ve had a good run and instead of sticking around as a backup, I figured I’d be better served as a replacement-level father,” said Manning, explaining that he would use his new free time to glance at his daughters’ homework assignments and offer some light encouragement. “My kids know their mother is the cornerstone of this family, but I can still contribute. I might not be the most accurate when it comes to picking them up on time from school. And maybe I won’t blow them away with great birthday parties or vacations. But they know I’ll show up and do my job.” At press time, Manning was scrambling after failing to scan the room and letting his daughter’s class wander off during a field trip to the Museum Of Natural History.


theonion--2020-01-27--Treble Clef Honored With Lifetime Achievement Award During 62nd Annual Grammy Ceremony

LOS ANGELES—Entering the stage of the Staples Center to raucous applause and a standing ovation , the Treble Clef was @ @ @ @ @ Award during the 62nd annual Grammy Awards on Sunday night .
“ It is a @ @ @ @ @ be bestowing this award to one of the greatest living musical symbols of our era @ @ @ @ @ Legend in a long , emotional speech , as a photo montage played in the @ @ @ @ @ in the Treble Clef ’ s career , which included collaborating with Louis Armstrong at @ @ @ @ @ Beatles during their final rooftop concert , as well as Michael Jackson ’ s Thriller @ @ @ @ @ award is long overdue .
From its contributions to Indian classical music , to Gregorian @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s difficult to overstate the seminal contributions the Treble Clef has made @ @ @ @ @ At press time , the Treble Clef began taking part in a special Grammy ’ @ @ @ @ @ X , Lana Del Rey , and Ed Sheeran .

LOS ANGELES—Entering the stage of the Staples Center to raucous applause and a standing ovation, the Treble Clef was honored with a Lifetime Achievement Award during the 62nd annual Grammy Awards on Sunday night. “It is a great honor for me to be bestowing this award to one of the greatest living musical symbols of our era,” said presenter John Legend in a long, emotional speech, as a photo montage played in the background depicting the major moments in the Treble Clef’s career, which included collaborating with Louis Armstrong at the Cotton Club, The Beatles during their final rooftop concert, as well as Michael Jackson’s Thriller studio sessions. “This award is long overdue. From its contributions to Indian classical music, to Gregorian chant, to modern-day hip-hop, it’s difficult to overstate the seminal contributions the Treble Clef has made to our art form.” At press time, the Treble Clef began taking part in a special Grammy’s performance with Lil Nas X, Lana Del Rey, and Ed Sheeran.


theonion--2020-01-27--Out-Of-Touch, Aging 24-Year-Old Keeps Trying To Fit In With Cool Kids At Grammys

LOS ANGELES—Recalling how the weird , creepy 24-year-old just kept milling around and introducing himself as the “ Sunflower guy , ” several young artists told reporters Sunday that an out-of-touch , aging Post Malone kept desperately trying to fit in with the cool kids at the 62nd annual Grammy Awards .
“ It ’ s just kind of pathetic ; the guy kept talking about how he loves Billie Eilish , but it ’ s like , okay , she dropped ‘ Ocean Eyes ’ four years ago , ” said 21-year-old Australian singer-songwriter Mallrat , adding that while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to drop the fact that he ’ d opened for Justin Bieber in 2015 weren ’ t making him seem any younger .
“ It ’ s sad , but honestly , I couldn ’ t stop laughing when old-ass Kanye came over , grabbed him by the shoulders , and told us that they collaborated on ‘ Fade ’ together .
It ’ s like , dude , you ’ re almost in your mid-twenties , and everybody can tell that you don ’ t know who Lil Nas X is .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Grandma Swift instead.
” At press time , Malone could reportedly be heard sobbing in the bathroom after one of the cool kids reportedly mistook him for Eminem .

LOS ANGELES—Recalling how the weird, creepy 24-year-old just kept milling around and introducing himself as the “Sunflower guy,” several young artists told reporters Sunday that an out-of-touch, aging Post Malone kept desperately trying to fit in with the cool kids at the 62nd annual Grammy Awards. “It’s just kind of pathetic; the guy kept talking about how he loves Billie Eilish, but it’s like, okay, she dropped ‘Ocean Eyes’ four years ago,” said 21-year-old Australian singer-songwriter Mallrat, adding that while Malone seemed harmless, his constant attempts to drop the fact that he’d opened for Justin Bieber in 2015 weren’t making him seem any younger. “It’s sad, but honestly, I couldn’t stop laughing when old-ass Kanye came over, grabbed him by the shoulders, and told us that they collaborated on ‘Fade’ together. It’s like, dude, you’re almost in your mid-twenties, and everybody can tell that you don’t know who Lil Nas X is. Maybe you should go hang out with Grandma Swift instead.” At press time, Malone could reportedly be heard sobbing in the bathroom after one of the cool kids reportedly mistook him for Eminem.


theonion--2020-01-27--Grammys Accused Of Bias Toward Music That Accurately Represents What Nation At Large Listening To

AUSTIN , TX—Faced with allegations that it has repeatedly given preferential treatment to widely enjoyed artists and music , the 62nd annual Grammy Awards was formally accused Sunday of showing an unfair bias toward nominees that accurately represent what the nation at large is listening to .
“ I swear , the Recording Academy is just shamelessly pandering to a general consensus held by a majority of Americans about what constitutes good music , ” said local awards-show viewer Ross Faust , who complained that by recognizing Post Malone and Lizzo while it neglected other , lesser-known names , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most people haven ’ t listened to and almost no one cares about .
“ I don ’ t get it .
I ’ ve barely heard any of these songs outside of radio , bars , stores , clubs , commercials , and blockbuster movies .
The fact that millions of people have listened to them constantly and developed emotional connections to them just doesn ’ t seem like a criterion that should be used to decide what constitutes the best music of the era.
” At press time , reports confirmed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added a new category called This Really Obscure Band You Probably Don ’ t Know About of the Year .

AUSTIN, TX—Faced with allegations that it has repeatedly given preferential treatment to widely enjoyed artists and music, the 62nd annual Grammy Awards was formally accused Sunday of showing an unfair bias toward nominees that accurately represent what the nation at large is listening to. “I swear, the Recording Academy is just shamelessly pandering to a general consensus held by a majority of Americans about what constitutes good music,” said local awards-show viewer Ross Faust, who complained that by recognizing Post Malone and Lizzo while it neglected other, lesser-known names, the Grammys was showcasing its prejudice against artists most people haven’t listened to and almost no one cares about. “I don’t get it. I’ve barely heard any of these songs outside of radio, bars, stores, clubs, commercials, and blockbuster movies. The fact that millions of people have listened to them constantly and developed emotional connections to them just doesn’t seem like a criterion that should be used to decide what constitutes the best music of the era.” At press time, reports confirmed the Grammys had caved to pressure and added a new category called This Really Obscure Band You Probably Don’t Know About of the Year.


theonion--2020-01-27--Polling Shows Sanders Surpassing Biden In Iowa, New Hampshire

Challenging the former vice president ’ s front-runner status , four recent polls show Senator Bernie Sanders leading the presidential @ @ @ @ @ and Iowa , states that are considered potential keys to framing the trajectory of the @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ I was going to vote for Bernie , but it @ @ @ @ @ got it from here.
” “ No matter how many elections he wins , Bernie @ @ @ @ @ to me .
”

Challenging the former vice president’s front-runner status, four recent polls show Senator Bernie Sanders leading the presidential race in both New Hampshire and Iowa, states that are considered potential keys to framing the trajectory of the eventual Democratic nomination. What do you think?
“I was going to vote for Bernie, but it sounds like he’s got it from here.” Wayne Summers • Unemployed
“No matter how many elections he wins, Bernie Sanders will always be unelectable to me.” Aaron O’Connor • Fundraiser Spokesman
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theonion--2020-01-27--Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus By Making It Illegal To Mention Within A Week

BEIJING—In an effort to assuage concerns about how his government has handled the deadly disease outbreak , Chinese president Xi @ @ @ @ @ Monday to announce plans to combat the coronavirus by making it illegal to mention within @ @ @ @ @ We are directing massive resources towards eradicating the slightest hint of any person speaking about @ @ @ @ @ promise you that any conversation or literature pertaining to the virus will be completely eliminated @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Xi , warning that if immediate action was not taken , it @ @ @ @ @ stop the spread of information .
“ We have already seen far too many senseless @ @ @ @ @ this outbreak , so I vow here and now that those official death toll numbers @ @ @ @ @ closed his remarks by urging anyone who believed they were suffering from the outbreak or @ @ @ @ @ come forward so they could be executed .

BEIJING—In an effort to assuage concerns about how his government has handled the deadly disease outbreak, Chinese president Xi Jinping held a press conference Monday to announce plans to combat the coronavirus by making it illegal to mention within the next week. “We are directing massive resources towards eradicating the slightest hint of any person speaking about the virus, and I promise you that any conversation or literature pertaining to the virus will be completely eliminated during the next seven days,” said Xi, warning that if immediate action was not taken, it could be too late to stop the spread of information. “We have already seen far too many senseless deaths as a result of this outbreak, so I vow here and now that those official death toll numbers will remain unchanged.” Xi closed his remarks by urging anyone who believed they were suffering from the outbreak or knew someone who was to come forward so they could be executed.


theonion--2020-01-27--Experts Unable To Determine Why Someone As Rich As Justin Bieber Even Needs To Believe In God Anymor

Experts Unable To Determine Why Someone As Rich As Justin Bieber Even Needs To Believe In God Anymore

CAMBRIDGE , MA—Explaining that the evidence “ simply does not add up , ” experts at Harvard Divinity School told reporters Monday that they were unable to comprehend why someone as rich as Justin Bieber even needs to believe in God anymore .
“ According to our research , there ’ s no possible explanation as to what a divine deity could even offer that would appeal to a multimillionaire like Justin Bieber , ” said Dr. Frederick Tanner , who noted that the pop star has continued to proclaim his faith in God over the years despite the fact @ @ @ @ @ @ @ released has easily shot straight to the top of the charts .
“ Look , we ’ re researchers .
We make next to nothing .
God could help us , so it makes sense that we believe in God .
But this guy is 25 years old and lives in a huge mansion .
He performs sold-out shows before thousands of screaming fans every night .
Frankly , it ’ s foolish to believe in an interventionist God when you already have everything you could want.
” At press time , Tanner @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Justin Bieber was God .

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Explaining that the evidence “simply does not add up,” experts at Harvard Divinity School told reporters Monday that they were unable to comprehend why someone as rich as Justin Bieber even needs to believe in God anymore. “According to our research, there’s no possible explanation as to what a divine deity could even offer that would appeal to a multimillionaire like Justin Bieber,” said Dr. Frederick Tanner, who noted that the pop star has continued to proclaim his faith in God over the years despite the fact that every album he’s ever released has easily shot straight to the top of the charts. “Look, we’re researchers. We make next to nothing. God could help us, so it makes sense that we believe in God. But this guy is 25 years old and lives in a huge mansion. He performs sold-out shows before thousands of screaming fans every night. Frankly, it’s foolish to believe in an interventionist God when you already have everything you could want.” At press time, Tanner had dropped to his knees and declared that Justin Bieber was God.


theonion--2020-01-27--Billie Eilish, Lizzo Win Big At 62nd Annual Grammys

Billie Eilish , Lizzo , Willie Nelson , and Cage the Elephant were among those honored for major awards at @ @ @ @ @ an event that was marred by behind-the-scenes scandal amidst claims of sexual harassment and voting @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ I still prefer Lizzo from before I was familiar with her music.
@ @ @ @ @ wins are a stunning and long-deserved triumph for people who dress in baggy layers .
@

Billie Eilish, Lizzo, Willie Nelson, and Cage the Elephant were among those honored for major awards at the 62nd annual Grammys, an event that was marred by behind-the-scenes scandal amidst claims of sexual harassment and voting rigging. What do you think?
“I still prefer Lizzo from before I was familiar with her music.” Devin Lugo • Systems Analyst
“Eilish’s wins are a stunning and long-deserved triumph for people who dress in baggy layers.” Craig McCabe • Freelance Trainee
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theonion--2020-01-27--Parents Impressed By How Big Baby Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of CrossFit

CHESTNUT HILL , MA—Marveling at the clear results they ’ ve seen since his September 2018 birth , parents Stephen Larrimore and Allison Zeitz told reporters Monday they were impressed by how big their baby , Payton , had gotten after just 16 months of the CrossFit strength and conditioning program .
“ I remember when he was only 6 pounds , 9 ounces , and now he ’ s shot up to 50 pounds of hard , lean muscle—I can barely even recognize him , ” said first-time mother Zeitz , contrasting the days when her newborn child “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of his own head ” with his current daily regimen of shuttle-running across his nursery while dragging a pair of tractor tires behind him .
“ It ’ s crazy .
One day he ’ s crawling around on the floor , and the next he ’ s box-jumping onto the fridge .
I remember when he was just a chubby , cuddly little guy , and now he ’ s absolutely shredded .
Everyone tells you they get swole so fast , but I guess I had to see it for myself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we have to do is find a preschool with a good body-sculpting program.
” At press time , a teary-eyed Zeitz was reportedly sending her husband a video of Payton saying the word “ creatine ” for the first time .

CHESTNUT HILL, MA—Marveling at the clear results they’ve seen since his September 2018 birth, parents Stephen Larrimore and Allison Zeitz told reporters Monday they were impressed by how big their baby, Payton, had gotten after just 16 months of the CrossFit strength and conditioning program. “I remember when he was only 6 pounds, 9 ounces, and now he’s shot up to 50 pounds of hard, lean muscle—I can barely even recognize him,” said first-time mother Zeitz, contrasting the days when her newborn child “couldn’t even support the weight of his own head” with his current daily regimen of shuttle-running across his nursery while dragging a pair of tractor tires behind him. “It’s crazy. One day he’s crawling around on the floor, and the next he’s box-jumping onto the fridge. I remember when he was just a chubby, cuddly little guy, and now he’s absolutely shredded. Everyone tells you they get swole so fast, but I guess I had to see it for myself to believe it. Now, all we have to do is find a preschool with a good body-sculpting program.” At press time, a teary-eyed Zeitz was reportedly sending her husband a video of Payton saying the word “creatine” for the first time.


theonion--2020-01-27--Excitement Builds Around New PlayStation After Leaked Images May Show Your Long-Lost Father Holding

Excitement Builds Around New PlayStation After Leaked Images May Show Your Long-Lost Father Holding A PS5

There ’ s been tons of fevered anticipation from Sony fanboys about the next generation of PlayStation , but that hype is about to hit a whole new level with a recent leak that appears to include photographs showing your long-lost father holding a PS5 .
That ’ s right—your dad is still alive after all these years , and according to these pictures at least , he ’ s carrying around Sony ’ s next-gen console everywhere he goes !
Just when we thought we couldn ’ t get any more pumped up about the upcoming iteration of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in these photos should be getting you salivating about the system ’ s rumored 8-core AMD chipset and sleek industrial design .
It should also raise some significant questions about the whereabouts of your father , who has been missing since his yacht vanished in the fog off the coast of Gibraltar 12 years ago .
Based on the rumor mill , we had already gotten confirmation the console would come equipped with 8K graphics and backwards compatibility .
But none of that could have prepared you for the detailed look at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ photos , and you were probably even less prepared to see your father ’ s familiar face—a little older , a little more world-weary , but unmistakably still the man who leaned over your crib more than a decade ago and said , “ Daddy loves you so much.
” That was the night he disappeared forever—or so you thought until these photographs surfaced , clearly showing a blue-eyed man with the same wry smile that you would recognize anywhere .
This is guaranteed to take PS5 enthusiasm to a whole new level @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rampant in the face of these pictures , with some wondering if the slightly boxier look of the PS5 might suggest even more processing power than had been previously revealed , and others noting that the palm trees visible far in the background means your father , or at the very least someone who looks almost identical to him , is living somewhere south of the Equator .
Still , none of this answers the questions of why your father never got in touch with you over all these long years , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the next-gen wars .
That ’ s all the info we have at the moment , but we ’ ll be sure to let you know if Sony drops any additional hints about the PS5 , or if the private investigator you hired will be able to help reunite you with the man who raised you !

There’s been tons of fevered anticipation from Sony fanboys about the next generation of PlayStation, but that hype is about to hit a whole new level with a recent leak that appears to include photographs showing your long-lost father holding a PS5.
That’s right—your dad is still alive after all these years, and according to these pictures at least, he’s carrying around Sony’s next-gen console everywhere he goes!
Just when we thought we couldn’t get any more pumped up about the upcoming iteration of the PlayStation name, the juicy tidbits teased in these photos should be getting you salivating about the system’s rumored 8-core AMD chipset and sleek industrial design. It should also raise some significant questions about the whereabouts of your father, who has been missing since his yacht vanished in the fog off the coast of Gibraltar 12 years ago.
Based on the rumor mill, we had already gotten confirmation the console would come equipped with 8K graphics and backwards compatibility. But none of that could have prepared you for the detailed look at the hardware you get in these newly dropped photos, and you were probably even less prepared to see your father’s familiar face—a little older, a little more world-weary, but unmistakably still the man who leaned over your crib more than a decade ago and said, “Daddy loves you so much.” That was the night he disappeared forever—or so you thought until these photographs surfaced, clearly showing a blue-eyed man with the same wry smile that you would recognize anywhere.
This is guaranteed to take PS5 enthusiasm to a whole new level!
Of course, speculation has been rampant in the face of these pictures, with some wondering if the slightly boxier look of the PS5 might suggest even more processing power than had been previously revealed, and others noting that the palm trees visible far in the background means your father, or at the very least someone who looks almost identical to him, is living somewhere south of the Equator. Still, none of this answers the questions of why your father never got in touch with you over all these long years, or whether Nintendo or Microsoft will reign supreme in the next-gen wars.
That’s all the info we have at the moment, but we’ll be sure to let you know if Sony drops any additional hints about the PS5, or if the private investigator you hired will be able to help reunite you with the man who raised you!


theonion--2020-01-27--Mike Pompeo: ‘There Is Overwhelming And Undeniable Evidence To Support Going To War With Whoever’

WASHINGTON—Citing rapidly escalating tensions , increasing frequency of treaty violations , and deteriorating diplomatic relations across the board , Secretary @ @ @ @ @ Monday that the United States has overwhelming and undeniable evidence to support going to war @ @ @ @ @ no mistake : America will not sit idly by while someone or other engages in @ @ @ @ @ irrefutable acts of aggression , ” said Pompeo , emphasizing that the United States reserves @ @ @ @ @ military might in order to protect its political and economic interests wherever .
“ Although @ @ @ @ @ be an undetermined or undefined distance from America ’ s borders , it remains crucial @ @ @ @ @ come to the aid of our allies , if any , in someplace , somewhere @ @ @ @ @ even have good reason to suspect that pretty much anyone anywhere is currently in the @ @ @ @ @ arsenal.
” Pompeo also confirmed that the Pentagon had detailed contingency plans for possible preemptive @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Citing rapidly escalating tensions, increasing frequency of treaty violations, and deteriorating diplomatic relations across the board, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo stated Monday that the United States has overwhelming and undeniable evidence to support going to war with whoever. “Make no mistake: America will not sit idly by while someone or other engages in what we say are continued irrefutable acts of aggression,” said Pompeo, emphasizing that the United States reserves the right to exercise full military might in order to protect its political and economic interests wherever. “Although the nation in question may be an undetermined or undefined distance from America’s borders, it remains crucial to protect our sovereignty and come to the aid of our allies, if any, in someplace, somewhere on the globe. We even have good reason to suspect that pretty much anyone anywhere is currently in the process of developing a nuclear arsenal.” Pompeo also confirmed that the Pentagon had detailed contingency plans for possible preemptive strikes on everywhere.


theonion--2020-01-27--CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus

ATLANTA—In an effort to stop the spread of the potentially lethal pathogen , the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Monday to urge Americans to just say “ No ” if a friend offers them the coronavirus .
“ While it may seem cool to be seen around the park or the mall with a runny nose and hacking cough , there are very real negative side effects to experimenting with this virus , ” said Satish Pillai , a medical officer in the Division of Preparedness and Emerging Infections , asking the assembled reporters to remember that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is peer pressure .
“ I know what you ’ re thinking : ‘ I ’ ll just get a couple of respiratory infections at a party .
I can stop anytime I want.
’ But it ’ s not that simple , and soon the virus has you in its seductive grip .
So , if you see someone collapsing from a fever , just tell them , ‘ No thanks , I don ’ t need an infectious agent to have fun.
’ ” Pillai added that if you feel you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sure to contract it from someone you know and trust as it may turn out to be something more lethal , such as Avian Flu or SARS .

ATLANTA—In an effort to stop the spread of the potentially lethal pathogen, the Centers for Disease Control held a press conference Monday to urge Americans to just say “No” if a friend offers them the coronavirus. “While it may seem cool to be seen around the park or the mall with a runny nose and hacking cough, there are very real negative side effects to experimenting with this virus,” said Satish Pillai, a medical officer in the Division of Preparedness and Emerging Infections, asking the assembled reporters to remember that the most deadly disease vector of all is peer pressure. “I know what you’re thinking: ‘I’ll just get a couple of respiratory infections at a party. I can stop anytime I want.’ But it’s not that simple, and soon the virus has you in its seductive grip. So, if you see someone collapsing from a fever, just tell them, ‘No thanks, I don’t need an infectious agent to have fun.’” Pillai added that if you feel you absolutely must try the coronavirus, be sure to contract it from someone you know and trust as it may turn out to be something more lethal, such as Avian Flu or SARS.


theonion--2020-01-28--Black-Metal Fan Conflicted About Supporting Artist Who’s Never Been Convicted Of Murder

ATHENS , GA—Saying he was torn over whether he could ethically support an artist who lacks a criminal record , local black-metal fan John Eaby told reporters Tuesday he was conflicted about listening to the band Hargenthoth , whose lead vocalist , Thorl Draugar , has never once been convicted of murder .
“ Seriously , how am I supposed to scream along with lyrics about presiding over a human sacrifice during a black mass when I know , in the back of my mind , this guy has never even stabbed someone to death ?
” said Eaby , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Draugar was as both a white supremacist and a homophobe , sometimes it felt wrong to give his time and money to a musician who wasn ’ t actively trying to convince his own fans to commit suicide .
“ Look , I ’ ve been following this guy for years , and his music kicks ass .
But the fact that he doesn ’ t have a single album cover on which he appears drenched in gallons of goat blood ?
It ’ s not looking good .
Frankly , if he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ soon and blow a fellow bandmember ’ s head off with a shotgun , or behead a mental patient in a music video , that might be the last straw.
” At press time , Eaby said he was relieved to learn that Draugar had finally stopped beating around the bush and burned down an ancient Norwegian church .

ATHENS, GA—Saying he was torn over whether he could ethically support an artist who lacks a criminal record, local black-metal fan John Eaby told reporters Tuesday he was conflicted about listening to the band Hargenthoth, whose lead vocalist, Thorl Draugar, has never once been convicted of murder. “Seriously, how am I supposed to scream along with lyrics about presiding over a human sacrifice during a black mass when I know, in the back of my mind, this guy has never even stabbed someone to death?” said Eaby, adding that while he loved how outspoken Draugar was as both a white supremacist and a homophobe, sometimes it felt wrong to give his time and money to a musician who wasn’t actively trying to convince his own fans to commit suicide. “Look, I’ve been following this guy for years, and his music kicks ass. But the fact that he doesn’t have a single album cover on which he appears drenched in gallons of goat blood? It’s not looking good. Frankly, if he doesn’t get his act together soon and blow a fellow bandmember’s head off with a shotgun, or behead a mental patient in a music video, that might be the last straw.” At press time, Eaby said he was relieved to learn that Draugar had finally stopped beating around the bush and burned down an ancient Norwegian church.


theonion--2020-01-28--Chris Matthews Warns Bernie Sanders Victory Runs Risk Of Making Him Look Stupid 2 Elections In A Row

NEW YORK—Cautioning voters against walking down such a dangerous path without fully understanding the potential consequences , MSNBC pundit Chris @ @ @ @ @ that Bernie Sanders winning the Democratic party ’ s nomination would run the risk of @ @ @ @ @ two consecutive elections .
“ Before anyone casts a vote for Senator Sanders in the @ @ @ @ @ look deep inside and consider the ramifications of making me look like a completely out-of-touch @ @ @ @ @ Matthews , insisting that a strong showing from Sanders in early-voting primaries could lead to @ @ @ @ @ of the American political commentator ’ s credibility .
“ We can ’ t afford @ @ @ @ @ road we did in 2016 .
The cost is simply too great to have another @ @ @ @ @ like a clueless fucking moron .
Is that a risk Bernie supporters are willing to @ @ @ @ @ time , a teary-eyed Matthews brought Hardball to a close by asserting that a Sanders @ @ @ @ @ for decades .

NEW YORK—Cautioning voters against walking down such a dangerous path without fully understanding the potential consequences, MSNBC pundit Chris Matthews warned Hardball viewers Tuesday that Bernie Sanders winning the Democratic party’s nomination would run the risk of making him look stupid in two consecutive elections. “Before anyone casts a vote for Senator Sanders in the primary, they need to look deep inside and consider the ramifications of making me look like a completely out-of-touch idiot again,” said Matthews, insisting that a strong showing from Sanders in early-voting primaries could lead to the complete and utter destruction of the American political commentator’s credibility. “We can’t afford to go down the same road we did in 2016. The cost is simply too great to have another four years of me feeling like a clueless fucking moron. Is that a risk Bernie supporters are willing to take?” At press time, a teary-eyed Matthews brought Hardball to a close by asserting that a Sanders presidency could negatively affect him for decades.


theonion--2020-01-28--White House Rolls Out Middle East Peace Plan

Amidst a visit by current Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his electoral opponent Benny Gantz , the Trump administration @ @ @ @ @ East peace plan despite outcry that the plan received little input from Palestinian leaders .
@ @ @ @ @ “ Trump ’ s plan is going to bring so much peace .
Those Palestinians @ @ @ @ @ chance.
” “ I hope their proposal is fair to both the Israelis and the @ @ @ @ @ What branch of government does the Middle East fall under again ?
”

Amidst a visit by current Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and his electoral opponent Benny Gantz, the Trump administration rolled out its long-awaited Middle East peace plan despite outcry that the plan received little input from Palestinian leaders. What do you think?
“Trump’s plan is going to bring so much peace. Those Palestinians don’t stand a chance.” Nigel Farrow • Systems Analyst
“I hope their proposal is fair to both the Israelis and the Israelis’ supporters.” Edna Woodward • Rooftop Gardner
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“What branch of government does the Middle East fall under again?” John Nieves • Subpoena Filer


theonion--2020-01-28--Joni Ernst Insists She Hasn’t Seen Any Impeachment Evidence That Has Changed Her Self-Serving Politi

Joni Ernst Insists She Hasn’t Seen Any Impeachment Evidence That Has Changed Her Self-Serving Political Calculus

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that she was likely to vote to acquit , Sen. Joni Ernst ( R-IA ) told reporters Tuesday that @ @ @ @ @ seen any evidence in the impeachment process that had changed her self-serving political calculus .
@ @ @ @ @ an open mind from the beginning , but nothing I have seen thus far has @ @ @ @ @ my reelection prospects in my home state , ” said Ernst , adding that while @ @ @ @ @ s actions have been questionable , she didn ’ t believe they had risen to @ @ @ @ @ her standing amongst conservative Iowa voters .
“ Though they ’ ve had plenty of @ @ @ @ @ to make a persuasive case that Trump ’ s behavior would lead to my constituents @ @ @ @ @ and unless I see some arguments of that nature soon , I think my mind @ @ @ @ @ added that she took this responsibility seriously as she had given a sacred oath to @ @ @ @ @ by whatever means necessary .

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that she was likely to vote to acquit, Sen. Joni Ernst (R-IA) told reporters Tuesday that she still hadn’t seen any evidence in the impeachment process that had changed her self-serving political calculus. “I’ve kept an open mind from the beginning, but nothing I have seen thus far has altered the fundamental nature of my reelection prospects in my home state,” said Ernst, adding that while some of the president’s actions have been questionable, she didn’t believe they had risen to a level that would harm her standing amongst conservative Iowa voters. “Though they’ve had plenty of opportunities, Democrats have failed to make a persuasive case that Trump’s behavior would lead to my constituents abandoning me en masse, and unless I see some arguments of that nature soon, I think my mind is made up.” Ernst added that she took this responsibility seriously as she had given a sacred oath to consolidate her grip on power by whatever means necessary.


theonion--2020-01-28--Key Players In Trump’s Impeachment Trial

The House of Representatives approved articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump on December 18 , 2019 , then sent those articles to the Senate for a formal trial , a process that has involved a whirlwind of figures from Congress , the legal world , and Trump ’ s orbit .
The Onion provides a guide to the key players in Trump ’ s impeachment trial .
Trump ’ s defense attorney is expected to argue against statements made during the Clinton impeachment by special prosecutor Ken Starr .
Honestly kind of bored by this cakewalk .
A staunch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ congressman has a deep connection to the case both as an investigator and co-conspirator .
GOP senator considered most likely to make the loudest sigh before acquitting Trump .
The Senate minority leader wants to hear from witnesses in the White House , but we all want things we ’ ll never get .
As a servant of the law , finds it impossible to sit on the sidelines while a wealthy sex predator faces consequences .
Trump ’ s former advisor has agreed to offer explosive testimony against the president for $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the House eventually pushed through articles of impeachment , while making it clear she never thought through any of this .
Donald Trump is the 45th and current president of the United States .
As the lead impeachment manager , there was no better choice to provide the heavy-handedness , Russia hysteria , and whiff of corruption the Democrats needed to ensure the nation tuned out .
The longtime White House maid is said to have been a witness to many of the events in question .
But is she more than @ @ @

The House of Representatives approved articles of impeachment against President Donald Trump on December 18, 2019, then sent those articles to the Senate for a formal trial, a process that has involved a whirlwind of figures from Congress, the legal world, and Trump’s orbit. The Onion provides a guide to the key players in Trump’s impeachment trial.
Hunter Biden:
Lovable ne’er-do-well scamp.
Ken Starr:
Trump’s defense attorney is expected to argue against statements made during the Clinton impeachment by special prosecutor Ken Starr.
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Mitch McConnell:
Honestly kind of bored by this cakewalk.
Devin Nunes:
A staunch defender of the president, the Republican congressman has a deep connection to the case both as an investigator and co-conspirator.
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Mitt Romney:
GOP senator considered most likely to make the loudest sigh before acquitting Trump.
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Chuck Schumer:
The Senate minority leader wants to hear from witnesses in the White House, but we all want things we’ll never get.
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Alan Dershowitz:
As a servant of the law, finds it impossible to sit on the sidelines while a wealthy sex predator faces consequences.
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John Bolton:
Trump’s former advisor has agreed to offer explosive testimony against the president for $5 per word.
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Nancy Pelosi:
The hesitant speaker of the House eventually pushed through articles of impeachment, while making it clear she never thought through any of this.
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Donald Trump:
Donald Trump is the 45th and current president of the United States.
Adam Schiff:
As the lead impeachment manager, there was no better choice to provide the heavy-handedness, Russia hysteria, and whiff of corruption the Democrats needed to ensure the nation tuned out.
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The longtime White House maid is said to have been a witness to many of the events in question. But is she more than she seems?


theonion--2020-01-28--Bolton Book Confirms Trump Tied Aid To Biden Investigation

Providing a powerful piece of evidence in the case against President Trump , a new book by former National Security @ @ @ @ @ bombshell claim that the president personally tied foreign aid to Ukraine launching an investigation into @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ I ’ m no fan of Bolton , but @ @ @ @ @ takes to try to profit off of this.
” “ I can ’ t wait @ @ @ @ @ try to spin this into some sort of attack on the president.
” “ There @ @ @ @ @ Republicans can ignore this .
Cover it up , sure , but not ignore .
@

Providing a powerful piece of evidence in the case against President Trump, a new book by former National Security Advisor John Bolton contains the bombshell claim that the president personally tied foreign aid to Ukraine launching an investigation into former Vice President Biden. What do you think?
“I’m no fan of Bolton, but I respect the courage it takes to try to profit off of this.” Sarah Lucas • Assembly Scheduler
“I can’t wait to see how the liberals try to spin this into some sort of attack on the president.” Vincent Logan • Rock Climbing Guide
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theonion--2020-01-28--New Evidence Reveals Library Of Alexandria Kicked Out Dozens Of Creepy Old Romans For Looking At Por

New Evidence Reveals Library Of Alexandria Kicked Out Dozens Of Creepy Old Romans For Looking At Pornographic Images On Abacus

OXFORD—Shedding new light on the history of one of antiquity ’ s most renowned archives , researchers at Oxford University announced Thursday the discovery of new evidence suggesting that the Library of Alexandria was forced to kick out dozens of creepy old Romans for viewing pornographic images on abacuses .
“ Oxford university archives contain several hitherto untranslated scrolls dating from the third century B.C.
, the library ’ s most prosperous period , which make several mentions of tawdry , unwashed Romans pleasuring themselves at the library ’ s abacus stations while parents tried to herd their children past @ @ @ @ @ @ @ noting that as the library declined due to the neglect and lack of funds that it suffered under the Roman Principate , there were likely fewer and fewer staff members who could tell these degenerates to leave .
“ This evidence is confirmed by the extant diary entries of the scholar Zenodotus of Ephesus that describe confronting a wizened man , ‘ his toga anointed with night-soil and his beard bedewed with sour wine , ’ who continued using the abacus to display erect phalluses and to spell out the word ubera , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ despite the protestations of the librarian and repeated threats of a lifetime ban.
” Boisvert added that research further indicated that the burning of the Library of Alexandria in 272 A.D. displaced these elderly degenerates into the streets of Alexandria , where many wandered around the local coliseum making lewd gestures at women .

OXFORD—Shedding new light on the history of one of antiquity’s most renowned archives, researchers at Oxford University announced Thursday the discovery of new evidence suggesting that the Library of Alexandria was forced to kick out dozens of creepy old Romans for viewing pornographic images on abacuses. “Oxford university archives contain several hitherto untranslated scrolls dating from the third century B.C., the library’s most prosperous period, which make several mentions of tawdry, unwashed Romans pleasuring themselves at the library’s abacus stations while parents tried to herd their children past,” said historian Allen Boisvert, noting that as the library declined due to the neglect and lack of funds that it suffered under the Roman Principate, there were likely fewer and fewer staff members who could tell these degenerates to leave. “This evidence is confirmed by the extant diary entries of the scholar Zenodotus of Ephesus that describe confronting a wizened man, ‘his toga anointed with night-soil and his beard bedewed with sour wine,’ who continued using the abacus to display erect phalluses and to spell out the word ubera, or ‘boobs’ in Latin, despite the protestations of the librarian and repeated threats of a lifetime ban.” Boisvert added that research further indicated that the burning of the Library of Alexandria in 272 A.D. displaced these elderly degenerates into the streets of Alexandria, where many wandered around the local coliseum making lewd gestures at women.


theonion--2020-01-28--10 Easy Exercises You Can Do At The Office

Finding time in your schedule to work out can be difficult , which is why performing a few easy exercises @ @ @ @ @ the perfect way for a busy person to stay in shape .
For example , @ @ @ @ @ session during a weekly budget meeting by doing a few sets of lunges .

Finding time in your schedule to work out can be difficult, which is why performing a few easy exercises at the office can be the perfect way for a busy person to stay in shape. For example, sneak in a low-impact training session during a weekly budget meeting by doing a few sets of lunges.


theonion--2020-01-28--CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad

NEW YORK—Citing its productive relationship with the multibillionaire in the two months since he announced his candidacy , CBS officials confirmed Tuesday that the network had inked a deal to air a 30-episode advertisement for Michael Bloomberg ’ s presidential campaign .
“ We ’ ve had a great run with Mayor Bloomberg ’ s shorter ads , so we ’ re thrilled to welcome him into our lineup with a full series of hour-long episodic commercials , ” said a spokesperson for the television network , indicating the commercials will run immediately after NCIS on Tuesdays , though independent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ throughout the week as often as the former New York mayor wants them to .
“ Mike is a relentless , self-made presidential candidate we think will really resonate with viewers when they are given this opportunity to see the full arc of his run for the White House .
We have his campaign merchandise for sale in CBS ’ s online store , and with any luck , we ’ ll soon be in talks about a second 30-episode ad .
Frankly , we ’ re willing to keep this running for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like.
” CBS officials said the deal included a proposed crossover episode of Young Sheldon in which Bloomberg would guest star , warning the Cooper family about the dangers of consuming large , sugary drinks .

NEW YORK—Citing its productive relationship with the multibillionaire in the two months since he announced his candidacy, CBS officials confirmed Tuesday that the network had inked a deal to air a 30-episode advertisement for Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign. “We’ve had a great run with Mayor Bloomberg’s shorter ads, so we’re thrilled to welcome him into our lineup with a full series of hour-long episodic commercials,” said a spokesperson for the television network, indicating the commercials will run immediately after NCIS on Tuesdays, though independent reports have confirmed they will also re-air throughout the week as often as the former New York mayor wants them to. “Mike is a relentless, self-made presidential candidate we think will really resonate with viewers when they are given this opportunity to see the full arc of his run for the White House. We have his campaign merchandise for sale in CBS’s online store, and with any luck, we’ll soon be in talks about a second 30-episode ad. Frankly, we’re willing to keep this running for as many seasons as the mayor would like.” CBS officials said the deal included a proposed crossover episode of Young Sheldon in which Bloomberg would guest star, warning the Cooper family about the dangers of consuming large, sugary drinks.


theonion--2020-01-28--Seattle Mariners Offhandedly Suggest Astros’, Red Sox’ Titles Be Awarded To Them Instead

‘ I Don ’ t Know , At Least We Didn ’ t Cheat , ’ Says GM SEATTLE—Repeatedly noting that they were just throwing the idea out there and not saying whether it was bad or good , the Seattle Mariners released a statement Tuesday offhandedly suggesting that the tainted World Series titles of the Astros and Red Sox could be awarded to them instead .
“ I know this is a tough , complicated situation where you can ’ t just give the title to the runner-up , which is why we think this might be a fun @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mather , who explained that while the Mariners were not even a playoff team those years , there was also no evidence that they cheated in any way .
“ We were right around .500—not great , not terrible—it would just be a nice , neutral gesture .
There has never been a whiff of scandal around signals or PEDs with us .
We are obviously clean , and I think maybe we deserve this .
We even had our merch team mock up a banner and some ‘ 2017 World Series Champion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ look pretty good .
I mean , why not , what is the downside ?
” Mather added that if the MLB was uncomfortable giving the title to a non-playoff team , they could retroactively award the 2001 Mariners the title instead .

‘I Don’t Know, At Least We Didn’t Cheat,’ Says GM
SEATTLE—Repeatedly noting that they were just throwing the idea out there and not saying whether it was bad or good, the Seattle Mariners released a statement Tuesday offhandedly suggesting that the tainted World Series titles of the Astros and Red Sox could be awarded to them instead. “I know this is a tough, complicated situation where you can’t just give the title to the runner-up, which is why we think this might be a fun compromise,” said Mariners president Kevin Mather, who explained that while the Mariners were not even a playoff team those years, there was also no evidence that they cheated in any way. “We were right around .500—not great, not terrible—it would just be a nice, neutral gesture. There has never been a whiff of scandal around signals or PEDs with us. We are obviously clean, and I think maybe we deserve this. We even had our merch team mock up a banner and some ‘2017 World Series Champion’ shirts, and we think they look pretty good. I mean, why not, what is the downside?” Mather added that if the MLB was uncomfortable giving the title to a non-playoff team, they could retroactively award the 2001 Mariners the title instead.


theonion--2020-01-28--Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 28, 2020

You may march to the beat of a different drummer , but the important thing is that you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ to walk on your own .

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
You may march to the beat of a different drummer, but the important thing is that you’re not being subversive and trying to walk on your own.


theonion--2020-01-29--7.7 Magnitude Earthquake Strikes Jamaica, Cuba

The strongest earthquake on record in the Caribbean has struck Jamaica and Cuba , resulting in building evacuations and potential @ @ @ @ @ yet to confirm the fallout ’ s magnitude .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ live in a country where earthquakes have been all but eliminated.
” “ I wouldn @ @ @ @ @ higher than a 6.5 , but to each their own.
” “ What a horrible @ @ @ @ @ to hear about .
”

The strongest earthquake on record in the Caribbean has struck Jamaica and Cuba, resulting in building evacuations and potential injuries, although reporting has yet to confirm the fallout’s magnitude. What do you think?
“I’m glad I live in a country where earthquakes have been all but eliminated.” Sarah Hayes • Ethnomusicologist
“I wouldn’t have rated it higher than a 6.5, but to each their own.” Britany Peterson • Livestock Groomer
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theonion--2020-01-29--A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa

A Coveted Endorsement In Iowa

The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week , and they ’ re all vying for one big endorsement from @ @ @ @ @ quarterback named Chad .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 @ @ @ @ @ store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use @ @ @ @ @ !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 @ @ @ @ @ dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

The Democratic candidates are in Iowa this week, and they’re all vying for one big endorsement from an especially dreamy high school quarterback named Chad.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.