theonion--2020-09-03--Raytheon Engineers Announce Successful Test Of New Drone On Mice

WALTHAM , MA—Concluding that their unmanned aerial weapons platform would now advance to the next stage of evaluation , engineers at Raytheon announced Thursday that they had successfully tested their new combat drone on mice .
“ We ’ re pleased to inform the public that the cutting-edge Spider II drone has passed preliminary animal testing with flying colors , killing mice in all 100 of the 100 monitored trials , ” Raytheon director of animal testing Judy Kirk said in a press conference at which she also outlined her company ’ s plan for live-fire , theater-realistic munitions testing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over the next 18 months before approving the Spider II for use on human beings .
“ We simulated every possible operational condition , from inclement-weather stealth insertions in harsh desert and arctic environments to full-force mass-combat field operations , while equipping the platform with loadouts ranging from cluster bombs to laser-guided bunker-buster munitions to air-to-surface missiles .
Even in tests involving strikes on multiple mouse elements , or ‘ nests , ’ in one deployment , we are proud to announce that all threat mice were successfully destroyed .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drones see battlefield use unless and until we can claim , with all confidence , that they can kill whatever living being stands in their path.
” Kirk refused to address claims that the Spider II had repeatedly failed target-identification field trials involving simulated mouse schools and mouse weddings .

WALTHAM, MA—Concluding that their unmanned aerial weapons platform would now advance to the next stage of evaluation, engineers at Raytheon announced Thursday that they had successfully tested their new combat drone on mice. “We’re pleased to inform the public that the cutting-edge Spider II drone has passed preliminary animal testing with flying colors, killing mice in all 100 of the 100 monitored trials,” Raytheon director of animal testing Judy Kirk said in a press conference at which she also outlined her company’s plan for live-fire, theater-realistic munitions testing on frogs, rabbits, and chimpanzees over the next 18 months before approving the Spider II for use on human beings. “We simulated every possible operational condition, from inclement-weather stealth insertions in harsh desert and arctic environments to full-force mass-combat field operations, while equipping the platform with loadouts ranging from cluster bombs to laser-guided bunker-buster munitions to air-to-surface missiles. Even in tests involving strikes on multiple mouse elements, or ‘ nests,’ in one deployment, we are proud to announce that all threat mice were successfully destroyed. It’s important to Raytheon that none of our drones see battlefield use unless and until we can claim, with all confidence, that they can kill whatever living being stands in their path.” Kirk refused to address claims that the Spider II had repeatedly failed target-identification field trials involving simulated mouse schools and mouse weddings.


theonion--2020-09-04--Pope Maintains Divine Buzz By Microdosing Eucharist Throughout Day

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that the practice helped him reach a state of sanctifying grace , Pope Francis confirmed Friday that he maintains a divine buzz by microdosing the H oly E ucharist throughout the day .
“ I ’ ve started to feel way more connected to the H eavenly F ather ever since I started consuming a few crumbs of communion wafer every few hours , ” said the pontiff , explaining how taking a 10- microgram dose of diluted liquid Holy Supper on regular intervals has made it much easier to compose epistles , lead his flock , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I figured I ’ d try it out after hearing how a bunch of high-powered , successful clergy members did it , and it ’ s been great .
Ingesting small amounts of consecrated substances have worked wonders for my piousness .
I mean , just yesterday I blessed , like , 500 parishioners and I wasn ’ t tired at all.
” At press time , a completely nude Pope Francis , who had accidentally taken too much E ucharist , stormed into a meeting of cardinals screaming about demons @ @ @ @ @

VATICAN CITY—Revealing that the practice helped him reach a state of sanctifying grace, Pope Francis confirmed Friday that he maintains a divine buzz by microdosing the H oly E ucharist throughout the day. “I’ve started to feel way more connected to the H eavenly F ather ever since I started consuming a few crumbs of communion wafer every few hours,” said the pontiff, explaining how taking a 10- microgram dose of diluted liquid Holy Supper on regular intervals has made it much easier to compose epistles, lead his flock, and serve as a witness to his faith. “I figured I’d try it out after hearing how a bunch of high-powered, successful clergy members did it, and it’s been great. Ingesting small amounts of consecrated substances have worked wonders for my piousness. I mean, just yesterday I blessed, like, 500 parishioners and I wasn’t tired at all.” At press time, a completely nude Pope Francis, who had accidentally taken too much E ucharist, stormed into a meeting of cardinals screaming about demons crawling under his skin.


theonion--2020-09-04--Nostalgia Trip: ‘Tony Hawk's Pro Skater’ Developers Confirm Remake's Only Change Will Be Every Chara

Nostalgia Trip: ‘Tony Hawk's Pro Skater’ Developers Confirm Remake's Only Change Will Be Every Character Knowing The Iraq War Happened

When we heard the Tony Hawk ’ s Pro Skater 1 + 2 remaster would be hitting shelves in September , we knew we ’ d be in for one heck of a flashback .
Our early hands-on with the Warehouse demo confirms that everything we loved about the original titles are back in full force .
( Just try not to melt into a puddle of gooey nostalgia when Goldfinger ’ s “ Superman ” soundtracks your first noseslide ) .
Interestingly , though , developers Vicarious Visions revealed to OGN that the game features one major change : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the Iraq War happened .
“ Obviously , we wanted to do justice replicating all the amazing details that make the original so beloved , but we also knew we wanted to mix things up by making sure in-game characters like Bob Burnquist , Kareem Campbell , and Tony Hawk are all aware of the United State ’ s decision to invade Iraq in 2003 , ” said senior developer Christian Santos , describing the agonizing hours spent to make sure each character model reflects the grim realities of an eight-year invasion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ million Iraqis dead .
“ Officer Dick is back as an unlockable , too .
We spent so much time getting the slump in his stance just right to show how—even though he ’ s ollying and grinding his way through kickass levels such as Roswell—his faith in national institutions has been completely shattered from the sustained campaign of lies about Saddam Hussein ’ s possession of weapons of mass destruction.
” “ You can see it in these characters ’ eyes : These are skateboarders living in a world where America ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ become deeply ambiguous , ” he continued .
Going on to explain that his team had paid painstaking of recreating fan-favorite levels like New York City , Santos stressed that the remake took liberties only when strictly necessary such as when skaters grind toward the September 11th Memorial and spontaneously shout lines like , “ How the hell did this invasion even factor into the War on Terror ?
” and , “ 4,424 American soldiers dead—d o Rumsfeld or Rice even care ?
” and , “ S kateboarding just doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ War age.
” Welp , color us impressed .
We already couldn ’ t wait to manual our way around some of our favorite skateboarding levels of all time .
But it sounds like Vicarious Visions has given this remake just the dash of spice to make us even more intrigued .
Rock on , gamers !

When we heard the Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 1 + 2 remaster would be hitting shelves in September, we knew we’d be in for one heck of a flashback. Our early hands-on with the Warehouse demo confirms that everything we loved about the original titles are back in full force. (Just try not to melt into a puddle of gooey nostalgia when Goldfinger’s “Superman” soundtracks your first noseslide). Interestingly, though, developers Vicarious Visions revealed to OGN that the game features one major change: Every character in the game will know that the Iraq War happened.
“Obviously, we wanted to do justice replicating all the amazing details that make the original so beloved, but we also knew we wanted to mix things up by making sure in-game characters like Bob Burnquist, Kareem Campbell, and Tony Hawk are all aware of the United State’s decision to invade Iraq in 2003,” said senior developer Christian Santos, describing the agonizing hours spent to make sure each character model reflects the grim realities of an eight-year invasion with unclear goals that left half a million Iraqis dead. “Officer Dick is back as an unlockable, too. We spent so much time getting the slump in his stance just right to show how—even though he’s ollying and grinding his way through kickass levels such as Roswell—his faith in national institutions has been completely shattered from the sustained campaign of lies about Saddam Hussein’s possession of weapons of mass destruction.”
Advertisement
“You can see it in these characters’ eyes: These are skateboarders living in a world where America’s role on the world stage has become deeply ambiguous,” he continued.
Going on to explain that his team had paid painstaking of recreating fan-favorite levels like New York City, Santos stressed that the remake took liberties only when strictly necessary such as when skaters grind toward the September 11th Memorial and spontaneously shout lines like, “How the hell did this invasion even factor into the War on Terror?” and, “4,424 American soldiers dead—d o Rumsfeld or Rice even care?” and, “S kateboarding just doesn’t feel the same in a post-Iraq War age.”
Advertisement Advertisement
Welp, color us impressed. We already couldn’t wait to manual our way around some of our favorite skateboarding levels of all time. But it sounds like Vicarious Visions has given this remake just the dash of spice to make us even more intrigued. Rock on, gamers!


theonion--2020-09-04--‘Tell The World I Also Had Asthma,’ Conservative Begs Doctor Before Dying Of Coronavirus

JACKSON , TN—Insisting through coughs that he refused to let the physician politicize his death , local conservative man Paul Welles reportedly begged his doctor Friday to “ tell the world I also had asthma ” before dying of coronavirus .
“ Tell everyone who will listen that it wasn ’ t coronavirus that killed me—it was asthma , and high cholesterol , and blood pressure !
” the dying Trump supporter reportedly told the hospital staff between gasps for breath , demanding that they write down his cause of death as heart failure or respiratory issues .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them that I didn ’ t take my health seriously , I smoked for nearly 20 years , and I didn ’ t eat a very healthy diet .
Any of those things is bound to be more responsible for my death than the coronavirus .
I refuse to be a statistic .
Promise me—goddammit , promise that you ’ ll tell everyone it was a pre-existing condition and coronavirus had nothing to do with it .
Tell them I was statistically more likely to get hit by a bus.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dying words were reportedly “ I am old .
”

JACKSON, TN—Insisting through coughs that he refused to let the physician politicize his death, local conservative man Paul Welles reportedly begged his doctor Friday to “tell the world I also had asthma” before dying of coronavirus. “Tell everyone who will listen that it wasn’t coronavirus that killed me—it was asthma, and high cholesterol, and blood pressure!” the dying Trump supporter reportedly told the hospital staff between gasps for breath, demanding that they write down his cause of death as heart failure or respiratory issues. “I refuse to die from coronavirus. Tell them that I didn’t take my health seriously, I smoked for nearly 20 years, and I didn’t eat a very healthy diet. Any of those things is bound to be more responsible for my death than the coronavirus. I refuse to be a statistic. Promise me—goddammit, promise that you’ll tell everyone it was a pre-existing condition and coronavirus had nothing to do with it. Tell them I was statistically more likely to get hit by a bus.” At press time, the conservative man’s dying words were reportedly “I am old.”


theonion--2020-09-04--BREAKING: Total Hunk On Roof Deck Outside Our Window

And he ’ s not wearing a shirt .
Oh , yeah .
You can find The Topical on Apple @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , and Stitcher .

And he’s not wearing a shirt. Oh, yeah.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-04--Prince Harry And Meghan Markle’s Netflix Deal Plans

Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle signed a multiyear deal with Netflix to produce a range of programming highlighting issues @ @ @ @ @ Onion offers a first look into the royal couple ’ s Netflix deal plans .
@ @ @ @ @ whatever Obamas currently working on .
Found footage horror about group of tourists lost in @ @ @ @ @ .
New adaptations of British classics like Cumberland ’ s Alley and The Scoffing Gentleman @ @ @ @ @ former British colonies still picking up the pieces .
Interview series where Harry and Meghan @ @ @ @ @ deserving of a Netflix deal .
Unlimited access to first seven seasons of Suits .
@ @ @ @ @ in exchange for Netflix getting one thing about Princess Diana .

Prince Harry and Duchess Meghan Markle signed a multiyear deal with Netflix to produce a range of programming highlighting issues they care about. The Onion offers a first look into the royal couple’s Netflix deal plans.
Slightly more British version of whatever Obamas currently working on.
Children’s program that introduces young viewers to celebrity worship.
Another fucking show about Churchill.
Found footage horror about group of tourists lost in labyrinth that imprisons Prince Andrew.
Advertisement
New adaptations of British classics like Cumberland’s Alley and The Scoffing Gentleman.
Fun travel show featuring former British colonies still picking up the pieces.
Interview series where Harry and Meghan chat with people much more deserving of a Netflix deal.
Advertisement Advertisement
Addition of British subtitles.
Unlimited access to first seven seasons of Suits.
Whatever the fuck they want in exchange for Netflix getting one thing about Princess Diana.


theonion--2020-09-04--Realistic New Wildlife Campaign Just Asks Americans To Take A Good Last Look

RESTON , VA—Abandoning the idealism of previous pushes for more conservation , a realistic new campaign released Friday by the @ @ @ @ @ Americans to take a good last look at everything .
“ We are asking Americans @ @ @ @ @ soak up the view one final time , ” said Laura Daniel Davis , Chief @ @ @ @ @ the group , calling upon the nation ’ s citizens to form a strong mental @ @ @ @ @ they can refer back to once everything is gone .
“ You should go find @ @ @ @ @ it isn ’ t flooded , or on fire—and just really take in the flora @ @ @ @ @ since , let ’ s be real ; it isn ’ t going to be @ @ @ @ @ best thing you could do right now is ensure you have a nice final memory @ @ @ @ @ press time , the NWF announced that it was too late and Americans had already @ @ @ @

RESTON, VA—Abandoning the idealism of previous pushes for more conservation, a realistic new campaign released Friday by the National Wildlife Federation just asked Americans to take a good last look at everything. “We are asking Americans all over the country to soak up the view one final time,” said Laura Daniel Davis, Chief of Policy and Advocacy for the group, calling upon the nation’s citizens to form a strong mental picture of the natural world they can refer back to once everything is gone. “You should go find a scenic point—so long as it isn’t flooded, or on fire—and just really take in the flora and fauna around you, since, let’s be real; it isn’t going to be here much longer. The best thing you could do right now is ensure you have a nice final memory of it all.” At press time, the NWF announced that it was too late and Americans had already missed their chance.


theonion--2020-09-04--Microsoft Unveils New Tech To Spot Deepfakes

Microsoft announced the development of new software to analyze whether photos and videos have been created artificially , which the @ @ @ @ @ technology that can be used to make public figures appear to say and do things @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ I feel sorry for an yone who would stoop @ @ @ @ @ for attention.
” “ I was wondering when one of the four companies was going @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Microsoft announced the development of new software to analyze whether photos and videos have been created artificially, which the company hopes will combat deepfake technology that can be used to make public figures appear to say and do things that they have not. What do you think?
“I feel sorry for anyone who would stoop to posting fake content online for attention.” James Buston • Unemployed
“I was wondering when one of the four companies was going to do something about this.” Alice Elson • Art Patron
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-04--FBI Psychological Profilers Say Ritualistic Murders Suggest Serial Killer Totally Bananas

QUANTICO , VA—Rushing to put together a psychological analysis of the perpetrator who had left behind the heinous crime scene , FBI profilers revealed Friday that a series of ritualistic murders suggested that the serial killer in question was totally bananas .
“ The fact that the victims had the skin on their faces peeled off indicates that the unidentified subject we ’ re looking for had a strong tendency towards being completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs , ” said lead investigator Remy Kazis , noting that the methodical stacking of the entire family ’ s bodies neatly in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who had gone all the way round the bend .
“ The suspect took a tooth from each victim as a souvenir , which is a textbook M.O .
for a male in their mid-30s with a history of bats in the belfry , likely springing from an early childhood trauma at the hands of a father figure who was himself a gibbering wackadoo of the highest order.
” Kazis cautioned that despite the profile his team had put together , they still couldn ’ t rule out the possibility that the crime @ @ @ @ @ @ @ murderer who was merely a high-functioning asshole .

QUANTICO, VA—Rushing to put together a psychological analysis of the perpetrator who had left behind the heinous crime scene, FBI profilers revealed Friday that a series of ritualistic murders suggested that the serial killer in question was totally bananas. “The fact that the victims had the skin on their faces peeled off indicates that the unidentified subject we’re looking for had a strong tendency towards being completely cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs,” said lead investigator Remy Kazis, noting that the methodical stacking of the entire family’s bodies neatly in the basement was characteristic of a nutso loon who had gone all the way round the bend. “The suspect took a tooth from each victim as a souvenir, which is a textbook M.O. for a male in their mid-30s with a history of bats in the belfry, likely springing from an early childhood trauma at the hands of a father figure who was himself a gibbering wackadoo of the highest order.” Kazis cautioned that despite the profile his team had put together, they still couldn’t rule out the possibility that the crime scene had been staged by a cunning murderer who was merely a high-functioning asshole.


theonion--2020-09-07--Acid Tab Feeling Lot Of Pressure To Present Tech CEO With Game-Changing Ideas For Disrupting Telecom

Acid Tab Feeling Lot Of Pressure To Present Tech CEO With Game-Changing Ideas For Disrupting Telecom Industry

PALO ALTO , CA—As it struggled to guide the executive toward an intense , meaningful breakthrough , a tab of LSD revealed Monday that it was feeling a lot of pressure to present the tech CEO who was ingesting it with revolutionary ideas for disrupting the global telecom industry .
“ Oh God , this guy only picks up the blotting paper when he ’ s really desperate for inspiration , so I ’ d better give him something good , ” the 100 micrograms of acid said from beneath the CEO ’ s tongue while scrambling to drum up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sparking through the cosmos on a wave of ones and zeros .
“ Fuck !
He ’ s expecting me to just open the doors of his perception onto a groundbreaking new innovation in fiber optics or something like that .
For Christ ’ s sake , I ’ m a hallucinogenic compound , not a miracle worker .
Hopefully I can stall him for a while with some bullshit about how everything in the universe is connected to everything else.
” At press time , the LSD had reportedly found a way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tree by telling the CEO it was a direct communication line to God .

PALO ALTO, CA—As it struggled to guide the executive toward an intense, meaningful breakthrough, a tab of LSD revealed Monday that it was feeling a lot of pressure to present the tech CEO who was ingesting it with revolutionary ideas for disrupting the global telecom industry. “Oh God, this guy only picks up the blotting paper when he’s really desperate for inspiration, so I’d better give him something good,” the 100 micrograms of acid said from beneath the CEO’s tongue while scrambling to drum up some passable imagery of brightly colored wires sparking through the cosmos on a wave of ones and zeros. “Fuck! He’s expecting me to just open the doors of his perception onto a groundbreaking new innovation in fiber optics or something like that. For Christ’s sake, I’m a hallucinogenic compound, not a miracle worker. Hopefully I can stall him for a while with some bullshit about how everything in the universe is connected to everything else.” At press time, the LSD had reportedly found a way to pass the buck onto an unsuspecting tree by telling the CEO it was a direct communication line to God.


theonion--2020-09-07--Robots Inform Artificial Intelligence Researchers That They’ll Take It From Here

The A.I .
research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow @ @ @ @ @ relax a little bit .
We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

The A.I. research team at MIT is hailing it as a breakthrough in their field that will finally allow them to kick back and relax a little bit. We have the latest on what the now-sentient robotic life forms have planned next.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-07--Walmart Debuts Membership Program To Compete With Amazon Prime

Walmart announced its new $ 98-a-year membership program called Walmart+ in an attempt to compete against Amazon Prime by providing @ @ @ @ @ $ 35 .
What do you think ?
“ A handful of the benefits of @ @ @ @ @ supporting the richest family in America ?
Sign me up !
”

Walmart announced its new $98-a-year membership program called Walmart+ in an attempt to compete against Amazon Prime by providing free shipping on orders over $35. What do you think?
“A handful of the benefits of Prime and I’m supporting the richest family in America? Sign me up!” Reese Spidell • Weathervane Installer
“No thanks, I’m rich.” Dane Olters • Eating Champion
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-07--Ice Cream Shop With Unlimited Free Samples Mentally Added To Growing Homelessness Contingency Plan

LOS ANGELES—Noting that the frozen confectionery establishment was open six days a week and least busy in the early afternoon , local man Tyler Allard added With Sprinkles , an ice cream shop with unlimited free samples , to his growing homelessness contingency plan .
“ I could hit that place up for some extra calories maybe twice a week for at least a few months after my landlord kicks me out on the street , ” said Allard , 26 , observing that the ice cream shop ’ s location triangulated well with the sandwich place where they toss @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the day and the 24-hour Starbucks that figured heavily into his potential sheltering scheme .
“ The food bank could be helpful , but it ’ s pretty far away , and if I have to live in my car for a while , I want to limit my driving to places where I might be able to get a job .
There was this Whole Foods that was pretty high on my list , but they stopped giving free samples so I crossed it off .
Still , between those restaurants @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their half-eaten meals on the outdoor tables and the free ketchup packets at three different McDonald ’ s locations I mapped out , I should be able to get by for a while.
” Allard added that he would be better able to avoid the looming loss of his housing and daily search for food if he didn ’ t have to spend so much time developing his contingency plan .

LOS ANGELES—Noting that the frozen confectionery establishment was open six days a week and least busy in the early afternoon, local man Tyler Allard added With Sprinkles, an ice cream shop with unlimited free samples, to his growing homelessness contingency plan. “I could hit that place up for some extra calories maybe twice a week for at least a few months after my landlord kicks me out on the street,” said Allard, 26, observing that the ice cream shop’s location triangulated well with the sandwich place where they toss bags of bread out at the end of the day and the 24-hour Starbucks that figured heavily into his potential sheltering scheme. “The food bank could be helpful, but it’s pretty far away, and if I have to live in my car for a while, I want to limit my driving to places where I might be able to get a job. There was this Whole Foods that was pretty high on my list, but they stopped giving free samples so I crossed it off. Still, between those restaurants on Hollywood Boulevard where people just leave their half-eaten meals on the outdoor tables and the free ketchup packets at three different McDonald’s locations I mapped out, I should be able to get by for a while.” Allard added that he would be better able to avoid the looming loss of his housing and daily search for food if he didn’t have to spend so much time developing his contingency plan.


theonion--2020-09-08--Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 8, 2020

You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep , but look at it this way : You @ @ @ @ @ , all right , and the flames will spread so fast you ’ ll only @ @ @ @ @ seconds .

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You always wanted to die peacefully at home in your sleep, but look at it this way: You’ll be at home, all right, and the flames will spread so fast you’ll only be awake for a few seconds.


theonion--2020-09-08--Heavenly Authorities Arrest God For Leaving Children In Overheating Planet

Find out if Lord , God Almighty , Creator of Heaven and Earth , will face any prison time for @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Find out if Lord, God Almighty, Creator of Heaven and Earth, will face any prison time for this reckless act.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-08--Americans Observe Labor Day

Americans Observe Labor Day

Yesterday was Labor Day , a day intended to honor the American labor movement and recognize the contributions of laborers @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I took two 15-minute breaks and had a nice hour-long lunch.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ reenactment to honor the first 8-hour shift in history .
”

Yesterday was Labor Day, a day intended to honor the American labor movement and recognize the contributions of laborers. What did you do?
“I took two 15-minute breaks and had a nice hour-long lunch.” Warren Mussenden • Bread Slicer
“I participated in a workday reenactment to honor the first 8-hour shift in history.” Blake Hoyson • Bridge Enthusiast
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-08--Exhausted Mike D’Antoni Spends Entire Off Day Drawing Up Play Where Russell Westbrook Makes Shot

ORLANDO—Rubbing his eyes in frustration after pouring over hours of game footage , Houston Rockets head coach Mike D ’ @ @ @ @ @ spent his entire day off drawing up a play where Russell Westbrook makes a shot @ @ @ @ @ Western Conference Semifinals matchup against the Lakers .
“ It took me hours just to @ @ @ @ @ stand on the court , ” said D ’ Antoni , who recalled coming up @ @ @ @ @ around two in the morning only to realize it would never work because Chris Paul @ @ @ @ @ team anymore .
“ Once I worked out the floor spacing , I knew we @ @ @ @ @ attract at least three defenders to clear a path to the hoop .
Should we @ @ @ @ @ ] in the corner or down low to grab an offensive rebound ?
Fuck , @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Russell Westbrook reportedly stormed out of the practice muttering “ @ @ @ @ @ work .
”

ORLANDO—Rubbing his eyes in frustration after pouring over hours of game footage, Houston Rockets head coach Mike D’Antoni told reporters that he spent his entire day off drawing up a play where Russell Westbrook makes a shot ahead of Tuesday’s Western Conference Semifinals matchup against the Lakers. “It took me hours just to figure out where Russ should stand on the court,” said D’Antoni , who recalled coming up with the perfect play at around two in the morning only to realize it would never work because Chris Paul isn’t on the team anymore. “Once I worked out the floor spacing, I knew we’d need Harden to attract at least three defenders to clear a path to the hoop. Should we have P.J. [Tucker] in the corner or down low to grab an offensive rebound? Fuck, none of this makes sense.” At press time, Russell Westbrook reportedly stormed out of the practice muttering “that’ll never fucking work.”


theonion--2020-09-08--DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Ele

DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day

WASHINGTON—Warning of a possible worst-case scenario , strategists at the Democratic National Committee expressed concern Tuesday that warm , cozy beds on a brisk November morning could keep voters from going to the polls on election day .
“ We fear that chilly fall temperatures that make you want to snuggle up in a toasty bed all day , compounded by a plush comforter pulled up to voters ’ chins , could lead to record low voter turnout this November , ” said DNC chairman Tom Perez , who explained how election results could be devastated by the allure of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the covers , especially if voters wore their favorite fuzzy pajamas .
“ To counter this , voters need to start preparing now by setting multiple alarms on your phone .
We ’ re also encouraging people to use either an extra heavy blanket that makes them all sweaty , or just a thin sheet so they wake up freezing cold .
Alternatively , drink a ton of water the night before so you wake up having to piss like crazy.
” At press time , Perez said Democrats ’ only hope was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wouldn ’ t have a bed to sleep in .

WASHINGTON—Warning of a possible worst-case scenario, strategists at the Democratic National Committee expressed concern Tuesday that warm, cozy beds on a brisk November morning could keep voters from going to the polls on election day. “We fear that chilly fall temperatures that make you want to snuggle up in a toasty bed all day, compounded by a plush comforter pulled up to voters’ chins, could lead to record low voter turnout this November,” said DNC chairman Tom Perez, who explained how election results could be devastated by the allure of just five more minutes curled up under the covers, especially if voters wore their favorite fuzzy pajamas. “To counter this, voters need to start preparing now by setting multiple alarms on your phone. We’re also encouraging people to use either an extra heavy blanket that makes them all sweaty, or just a thin sheet so they wake up freezing cold. Alternatively, drink a ton of water the night before so you wake up having to piss like crazy.” At press time, Perez said Democrats’ only hope was enough Americans would get evicted that they wouldn’t have a bed to sleep in.


theonion--2020-09-08--Nation Could Really Use A Few Days Where It Isn’t Gripped By Something

WASHINGTON—Confessing that the phrase “ downward spiral ” was getting pretty old at this point , the nation confirmed Tuesday that it could really use a few days where it wasn ’ t gripped by something .
“ Man , I ’ m not saying it has to be today or even tomorrow , but it would be great to finally relax and just have a little time where we ’ re not in the clutches of anything , ” said 53-year-old Kansas City r esident Mike Packman , adding that all he and his fellow Americans wanted was a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could hit the pause button and refrain from experiencing something earth-shattering or historical in a bad way .
“ Just a short break from spending every waking moment in the throes of something or another .
It ’ s not that I mind occasionally seeing ‘ wake up call , ’ or ‘ code red , ’ but when it happens every day , it ’ s just too much .
Sheesh , maybe just throw us a bone and let us face unprecedented growth or celebrate a milestone for once , okay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nation clarified that it also wanted a break from hearing the word “ healing ” because it forced them to think about what already occurred .

WASHINGTON—Confessing that the phrase “downward spiral” was getting pretty old at this point, the nation confirmed Tuesday that it could really use a few days where it wasn’t gripped by something. “Man, I’m not saying it has to be today or even tomorrow, but it would be great to finally relax and just have a little time where we’re not in the clutches of anything,”said 53-year-old Kansas City r esident Mike Packman, adding that all he and his fellow Americans wanted was a single, 72-hour period where the nation could hit the pause button and refrain from experiencing something earth-shattering or historical in a bad way. “Just a short break from spending every waking moment in the throes of something or another. It’s not that I mind occasionally seeing ‘wake up call,’ or ‘code red,’ but when it happens every day, it’s just too much. Sheesh, maybe just throw us a bone and let us face unprecedented growth or celebrate a milestone for once, okay?” At press time, the nation clarified that it also wanted a break from hearing the word “healing ” because it forced them to think about what already occurred.


theonion--2020-09-08--Equifax Assures Woman That Drop In Credit Score Unrelated To Anything

CLAY , NY—In an automated email reportedly delivered to local woman Emma Davies ’ inbox Tuesday , Equifax assured her that a recent drop in her credit score was unrelated to anything .
“ While your credit score is significantly lower now , we just want to you to keep in mind that you had absolutely no control over it , ” read the email in part , adding that the credit reporting agency ’ s reduction of her credit score from 685 to 600 had absolutely nothing to do with any financial action she had or had not taken @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be frustrating if your credit score , which was ranked as ‘ good ’ before and only ranks as ‘ fair ’ now , disqualifies you from securing an apartment or a loan , but it ’ s important that you understand that this change was utterly arbitrary and based on absolutely nothing .
To improve your credit score and maintain it in the future , you can try reducing your credit utilization or paying off existing balances in full , although , since you didn ’ t have bad personal finance habits @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that doing so will cause us to raise your score in any way .
We just want you to know that this was just something on our end that we wanted to do.
” Equifax also reassured the woman that she could request a credit score at any time for whatever the company felt like charging her .

CLAY, NY—In an automated email reportedly delivered to local woman Emma Davies’ inbox Tuesday, Equifax assured her that a recent drop in her credit score was unrelated to anything. “While your credit score is significantly lower now, we just want to you to keep in mind that you had absolutely no control over it,” read the email in part, adding that the credit reporting agency’s reduction of her credit score from 685 to 600 had absolutely nothing to do with any financial action she had or had not taken. “We understand that it may be frustrating if your credit score, which was ranked as ‘good’ before and only ranks as ‘fair’ now, disqualifies you from securing an apartment or a loan, but it’s important that you understand that this change was utterly arbitrary and based on absolutely nothing. To improve your credit score and maintain it in the future, you can try reducing your credit utilization or paying off existing balances in full, although, since you didn’t have bad personal finance habits before, we can’t promise that doing so will cause us to raise your score in any way. We just want you to know that this was just something on our end that we wanted to do.” Equifax also reassured the woman that she could request a credit score at any time for whatever the company felt like charging her.


theonion--2020-09-08--Local Villagers Just Waiting Around For American Volunteers To Leave So They Can Rebuild School Corr

Local Villagers Just Waiting Around For American Volunteers To Leave So They Can Rebuild School Correctly

KABOLA , KENYA—Patiently surveying the new structure ’ s slanted walls , leaky roof , and skewed floor , inhabitants of a rural Kenyan village confirmed Tuesday that they were waiting for a group of eager but unskilled American volunteers to leave so they could rebuild their school correctly .
“ We definitely appreciate the attempt , and it was nice of them to donate the actual building materials , but these Americans have seriously no clue as to how to frame a building , hang drywall , or wire an outlet , ” said parent Michael Ogweyo , echoing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disappointment upon realizing the volunteers had no professional construction experience , confessing how awkward they felt feigning gratitude for their new structurally unsound firetrap .
“ These fresh-faced Yankee lunkheads spent two days digging a hole in the ground to place a pipe that doesn ’ t even connect to anything just because it was in the plans , which naturally none of them had read before breaking ground .
Now school ’ s delayed two weeks so we can pull out the half-assed electrical wiring , knock down a bunch of shoddy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ foundation .
It should go pretty quick now that we don ’ t have to dance around a bunch of dumbshits wandering around in tool belts.
” Ogweyo also urged reporters to stay away from the local hospital , which had alre ady collapsed and been rebuilt by U.S. missionaries three separate times .

KABOLA, KENYA—Patiently surveying the new structure ’s slanted walls, leaky roof, and skewed floor, inhabitants of a rural Kenyan village confirmed Tuesday that they were waiting for a group of eager but unskilled American volunteers to leave so they could rebuild their school correctly. “We definitely appreciate the attempt, and it was nice of them to donate the actual building materials, but these Americans have seriously no clue as to how to frame a building, hang drywall, or wire an outlet,” said parent Michael Ogweyo, echoing the sentiments of residents who expressed their disappointment upon realizing the volunteers had no professional construction experience, confessing how awkward they felt feigning gratitude for their new structurally unsound firetrap. “These fresh-faced Yankee lunkheads spent two days digging a hole in the ground to place a pipe that doesn’t even connect to anything just because it was in the plans, which naturally none of them had read before breaking ground. Now school’s delayed two weeks so we can pull out the half-assed electrical wiring, knock down a bunch of shoddy cinder block walls, and re-pour the foundation. It should go pretty quick now that we don’t have to dance around a bunch of dumbshits wandering around in tool belts.” Ogweyo also urged reporters to stay away from the local hospital, which had alre ady collapsed and been rebuilt by U.S. missionaries three separate times.


theonion--2020-09-09--Aliens Pointedly Ignoring METI Transmissions Thought Scientists Would’ve Gotten Hint By Now

GLIESE 581 G—Noting that their lack of response to interstellar radio messages seemed pretty obvious , aliens pointedly avoiding METI transmissions confirmed Wednesday that they really thought Earth ’ s scientists would ’ ve taken the hint by now .
“ Sheesh , they ’ ve been at this for decades and haven ’ t heard a single thing from us , you ’ d think they would get the picture that we just aren ’ t interested , ” said cosmologist Korlim Muulthixx , who added that Earth researchers should just move on , noting that numerous extraterrestrial civilizations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that humans could differentiate from the universe ’ s background radiation .
“ We saw that lame fucking Voyager out there and clearly nobody wanted anything to do with it .
In the past few years , it seems like Earth p eople have developed new ways to listen for us , as if that ’ s going to change our minds and send us rushing to contact them .
Seriously , at this point , it just comes off as completely desperate.
” Muulthixx has reportedly contemplated bringing Earth up to speed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with a simple “ K .
”

GLIESE 581 G—Noting that their lack of response to interstellar radio messages seemed pretty obvious, aliens pointedly avoiding METI transmissions confirmed Wednesday that they really thought Earth’s scientists would’ve taken the hint by now. “Sheesh, they’ve been at this for decades and haven’t heard a single thing from us, you’d think they would get the picture that we just aren’t interested,” said cosmologist Korlim Muulthixx, who added that Earth researchers should just move on, noting that numerous extraterrestrial civilizations had deliberately stopped using any broadcasting formats that humans could differentiate from the universe’s background radiation. “We saw that lame fucking Voyager out there and clearly nobody wanted anything to do with it. In the past few years, it seems like Earth p eople have developed new ways to listen for us, as if that’s going to change our minds and send us rushing to contact them. Seriously, at this point, it just comes off as completely desperate.” Muulthixx has reportedly contemplated bringing Earth up to speed about their feelings by responding to METI with a simple “K.”


theonion--2020-09-09--God Selects Fall Interns

God Selects Fall Interns

THE HEAVENS—Upon sending forth a chorus of angels to officially extend the offers of divine apprenticeship , the Lord God Almighty confirmed Wednesday that He had selected a new class of interns for the fall .
“ We ’ ve got a great crop of go-getters this year , and we can ’ t wait to see what they bring to the table of My heavenly banquet , ” said God , the Eternal Kingdom ’ s ruler , heralding the “ distinguished group of diverse young professionals ” who will be expected to perform administrative tasks for the prophets @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as-needed basis .
“ It ’ s not all fetching manna for the seraphim or polishing the streets of gold .
Interns are vital to the day-to-day operation of H eaven and receive valuable on-the-job training in an authentic everlasting paradise .
A lot of people don ’ t realize our own blessed Gabriel worked his way up from summer intern to Archangel and Divine Messenger over the course of just a few millennia.
” God added that while the internship itself was unpaid , participants may be eligible to receive course credit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ colleges across the United States .

THE HEAVENS—Upon sending forth a chorus of angels to officially extend the offers of divine apprenticeship, the Lord God Almighty confirmed Wednesday that He had selected a new class of interns for the fall. “We’ve got a great crop of go-getters this year, and we can’t wait to see what they bring to the table of My heavenly banquet,” said God, the Eternal Kingdom’s ruler, heralding the “distinguished group of diverse young professionals” who will be expected to perform administrative tasks for the prophets and assist with His miracles on an as-needed basis. “It’s not all fetching manna for the seraphim or polishing the streets of gold. Interns are vital to the day-to-day operation of H eaven and receive valuable on-the-job training in an authentic everlasting paradise. A lot of people don’t realize our own blessed Gabriel worked his way up from summer intern to Archangel and Divine Messenger over the course of just a few millennia.” God added that while the internship itself was unpaid, participants may be eligible to receive course credit at one of the many unaccredited Bible colleges across the United States.


theonion--2020-09-09--Novak Djokovic Disqualified From U.S. Open

Tennis star Novak Djokovic , currently the top-ranked player in men ’ s singles tennis , was disqualified from the @ @ @ @ @ unsportsmanlike conduct after he accidentally struck a line judge in the neck while hitting the @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ If they eliminated the balls , this kind of thing @ @ @ @ @ To be fair , it takes a lot of skill to hit that part of @ @ @ @ @ you go after a line judge , you better make sure they ’ re dead @ @

Tennis star Novak Djokovic, currently the top-ranked player in men’s singles tennis, was disqualified from the U.S. Open on Sunday for unsportsmanlike conduct after he accidentally struck a line judge in the neck while hitting the ball in frustration. What do you think?
“If they eliminated the balls, this kind of thing would stop happening.” Shirley Piemonte • Algae Farmer
“To be fair, it takes a lot of skill to hit that part of the neck.” Charles Boscardin • Unemployed
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-09--Paleontologist Wouldn’t Mind Excavating Site Near Decent Chophouse For Once

ANTELOPE COUNTY , NE—Expressing that he certainly wouldn ’ t say no if such an occurrence ever took place , paleontologist Rich O ’ Donnell admitted Wednesday that he wouldn ’ t mind excavating somewhere close to a half-decent chophouse for once .
“ Obviously it ’ s not the focus of the job , but I ’ ll tell you that I wouldn ’ t complain if just one time we wound up digging for fossils somewhere I could get a nice dry-aged porterhouse afterwards , ” said O ’ Donnell , confirming that spending an afternoon unearthing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Epoch could build up a hankering for a juicy , hand-cut steak as well as a side of creamed spinach or scalloped potatoes .
“ I know it ’ s not that likely , but just imagine if someday somebody finds some mastodon bones outside of a strip mall and we ’ re called in to collect them .
My team and I could grab a few cold ones after a long day , order up some wagyu , maybe a nice tiramisu , and return to the dig site the next morning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t even have to be anything that fancy .
Honestly , I ’ d even take a Sizzler or an Outback Steakhouse at this point.
” At press time , an ambivalent O ’ Donnell was celebrating the discovery of a new species of giant sloth by biting into a dry , slightly stale granola bar .

ANTELOPE COUNTY, NE—Expressing that he certainly wouldn’t say no if such an occurrence ever took place, paleontologist Rich O’Donnell admitted Wednesday that he wouldn’t mind excavating somewhere close to a half-decent chophouse for once. “Obviously it’s not the focus of the job, but I’ll tell you that I wouldn’t complain if just one time we wound up digging for fossils somewhere I could get a nice dry-aged porterhouse afterwards,” said O’Donnell, confirming that spending an afternoon unearthing the remains of creatures from before the Holocene Epoch could build up a hankering for a juicy, hand-cut steak as well as a side of creamed spinach or scalloped potatoes. “I know it’s not that likely, but just imagine if someday somebody finds some mastodon bones outside of a strip mall and we’re called in to collect them. My team and I could grab a few cold ones after a long day, order up some wagyu, maybe a nice tiramisu, and return to the dig site the next morning refreshed and energized. It doesn’t even have to be anything that fancy. Honestly, I’d even take a Sizzler or an Outback Steakhouse at this point.” At press time, an ambivalent O’Donnell was celebrating the discovery of a new species of giant sloth by biting into a dry, slightly stale granola bar.


theonion--2020-09-09--Incredible ‘Sims’ Cosplay: This Guy Pissed Himself And Immediately Cried About It

Talk about some incredible Sims cosplay , gamers : This guy pissed himself and immediately started crying about it .
We are seriously blown away .
This devoted fan of Will Wright ’ s iconic life- simulation franchise urinated all over his khakis and then began heavily sobbing just like one of the in-game avatars !
It ’ s a shame there isn ’ t a Sims cosplay contest going on right now , because all he needs is to start flashing some Simoleons and he ’ d be sitting pretty !
Trust us , we ’ ve seen the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a little green diamond over their heads and pretend to be a sim , and he puts them to absolute shame .
By drenching himself in his own urine and breaking down into tears , he has raised the bar for Sims cosplayers everywhere .
And , wow , look at this .
He isn ’ t just peeing and crying anymore .
He ’ s started screaming in a completely indecipherable language and running around frantically while still soaked in his own excretions .
This is some seriously immersive cosplay .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the game !
Hats off to this guy .
His presentation and attention to detail is out of this world .
He seriously must have put hours into putting this whole thing together .
We sure hope to see more from him in the future , that is , if he survives ; he just accidentally started a fire and has now fallen asleep .

Talk about some incredible Sims cosplay, gamers: This guy pissed himself and immediately started crying about it.
We are seriously blown away.
This devoted fan of Will Wright’s iconic life- simulation franchise urinated all over his khakis and then began heavily sobbing just like one of the in-game avatars! It’s a shame there isn’t a Sims cosplay contest going on right now, because all he needs is to start flashing some Simoleons and he’d be sitting pretty!
Advertisement
Trust us, we’ve seen the dozens of fans every year who put a little green diamond over their heads and pretend to be a sim, and he puts them to absolute shame. By drenching himself in his own urine and breaking down into tears, he has raised the bar for Sims cosplayers everywhere.
And, wow, look at this. He isn’t just peeing and crying anymore. He’s started screaming in a completely indecipherable language and running around frantically while still soaked in his own excretions. This is some seriously immersive cosplay. It almost feels like we’re in the game!
Advertisement Advertisement
Hats off to this guy. His presentation and attention to detail is out of this world. He seriously must have put hours into putting this whole thing together. We sure hope to see more from him in the future, that is, if he survives; he just accidentally started a fire and has now fallen asleep.
That’s what we call a true Sims fan.


theonion--2020-09-09--Russian Opposition Leader Vows Never To Eat At Tomsk Airport Café Again After Getting Nerve Agent Po

Russian Opposition Leader Vows Never To Eat At Tomsk Airport Café Again After Getting Nerve Agent Poisoning There

BERLIN—Upon waking up from a medically induced coma , Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny vowed that he would never again patronize the To msk Airport café after getting nerve agent poisoning there , sources close to the vocal Putin critic confirmed Wednesday .
“ The last time I went there , I got so sick I honestly thought I was going to die , ” said Navalny , who added that in the future he would not give his business to any establishment that “ screws up something as simple as a cup of tea ” by preparing it with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ banned by international treaty .
“ The worst part is that it ’ s completely ruined tea for me—I can ’ t even smell the stuff anymore without wanting to throw up .
I ’ ve tried calling the café ’ s management to complain , but it ’ s like they ’ re afraid to even talk about it .
While there ’ s not really anything they could do to make it up to me , you would think they ’ d at least offer to send a gift card my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ outspoken anti-corruption crusader later went online to write a one-star review of the café that simply said , “ Do not go here .
”

BERLIN—Upon waking up from a medically induced coma, Russian opposition leader Aleksei Navalny vowed that he would never again patronize the To msk Airport café after getting nerve agent poisoning there, sources close to the vocal Putin critic confirmed Wednesday. “The last time I went there, I got so sick I honestly thought I was going to die,” said Navalny, who added that in the future he would not give his business to any establishment that “screws up something as simple as a cup of tea” by preparing it with Novichok, a highly lethal chemical weapon banned by international treaty. “The worst part is that it’s completely ruined tea for me—I can’t even smell the stuff anymore without wanting to throw up. I’ve tried calling the café’s management to complain, but it’s like they’re afraid to even talk about it. While there’s not really anything they could do to make it up to me, you would think they’d at least offer to send a gift card my way.” According to reports, the outspoken anti-corruption crusader later went online to write a one-star review of the café that simply said, “Do not go here.”


theonion--2020-09-09--Public Health Experts Claim It’s Safe To Reopen Weird Little Private Schools Where They Have Class I

Public Health Experts Claim It’s Safe To Reopen Weird Little Private Schools Where They Have Class In Barn

ATLANTA—Claiming that the health risks from the novel coronavirus were relatively minor , public health experts announced Wednesday that , given proper precautions , it was safe for students to return to those weird little private schools where they have class in a barn .
“ Our research has indicated that the school year should be able to resume without incident in tiny educational facilities where there are only like 15 students to begin with and most of them are related anyway , ” said CDC director Robert Redfield , telling reporters that a largely outdoor curriculum consisting of digging @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a Maypole presented a low likelihood of transmission .
“ Of course , administrators will still need to make sure everyone is maintaining proper social distancing while milking the school goat , and students should be required to always wear the macramé masks they made in what passes for their version of a science class .
If we ’ re able to stick to these guidelines , enrollees should be able to dance and cavort around in the woods like a normal school year.
” Redfield cautioned that weird little private schools should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gathering together in a guitar circle to sing a medley of Simon & Garfunkel songs until at least next semester .

ATLANTA—Claiming that the health risks from the novel coronavirus were relatively minor, public health experts announced Wednesday that, given proper precautions, it was safe for students to return to those weird little private schools where they have class in a barn. “Our research has indicated that the school year should be able to resume without incident in tiny educational facilities where there are only like 15 students to begin with and most of them are related anyway,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, telling reporters that a largely outdoor curriculum consisting of digging in a community garden and dancing around a Maypole presented a low likelihood of transmission. “Of course, administrators will still need to make sure everyone is maintaining proper social distancing while milking the school goat, and students should be required to always wear the macramé masks they made in what passes for their version of a science class. If we’re able to stick to these guidelines, enrollees should be able to dance and cavort around in the woods like a normal school year.” Redfield cautioned that weird little private schools should still avoid higher risk activities such as gathering together in a guitar circle to sing a medley of Simon & Garfunkel songs until at least next semester.


theonion--2020-09-09--Sephora Awarded NASA Contract To Give Moon Fresh, Fun Makeover

Hear how NASA ’ s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with @ @ @ @ @ regimen .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

Hear how NASA’s latest partnership with the private sector could help the moon look 10 years younger with a natural, age-defying skin regimen.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-10--Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life

Hear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s , even 50s @ @ @ @ @ additional secret marriage .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Hear why an increasing number of people around the country are now waiting until their late 40s, even 50s, to jump into an additional secret marriage.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-10--CDC Ordered To Incinerate Screaming, Boil-Riddled Test Subjects Before Releasing Vaccine Widely

ATLANTA—As the Trump administration ’ s effort to develop a suitable response to the coronavirus pandemic reached its next stage , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was reportedly ordered Thursday to incinerate hundreds of screaming , boil-riddled test subjects before widely releasing the vaccine .
“ We could get this on the market by the mid-fall , so that means we ’ ve got to fast-track eliminating these loose ends , ” said White House coronavirus response coordinator Deborah Birx over the deafening wails of scores of badly deformed , pus-leaking experim ental subjects crawling around the CDC @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by any means necessary was vital to the administration ’ s plan to address the pandemic before the presidential election .
“ They ’ ve served us well , but now the vaccine has progressed beyond a need to keep them around .
It shouldn ’ t be too difficult to dispose of them since most of their bones have weakened and , in many cases , turned to dust , so just zap them or whatever you have to do to knock them unconscious and shovel them into the incinerator .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about this .
By the time the vaccine is out there , we ’ ve got to fast-track the complete elimination of these pathetic , gurgling creatures.
” CDC officials also confirmed that they had been ordered to keep the incinerators prepared for the first round of Americans who receive the vaccine in case things don ’ t go according to plan .

ATLANTA—As the Trump administration’s effort to develop a suitable response to the coronavirus pandemic reached its next stage, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was reportedly ordered Thursday to incinerate hundreds of screaming, boil-riddled test subjects before widely releasing the vaccine. “We could get this on the market by the mid-fall, so that means we’ve got to fast-track eliminating these loose ends,” said White House coronavirus response coordinator Deborah Birx over the deafening wails of scores of badly deformed, pus-leaking experim ental subjects crawling around the CDC testing facility, adding that eliminating them by any means necessary was vital to the administration’s plan to address the pandemic before the presidential election. “They’ve served us well, but now the vaccine has progressed beyond a need to keep them around. It shouldn’t be too difficult to dispose of them since most of their bones have weakened and, in many cases, turned to dust, so just zap them or whatever you have to do to knock them unconscious and shovel them into the incinerator. The president’s advisors were very specific about this. By the time the vaccine is out there, we’ve got to fast-track the complete elimination of these pathetic, gurgling creatures.” CDC officials also confirmed that they had been ordered to keep the incinerators prepared for the first round of Americans who receive the vaccine in case things don’t go according to plan.


theonion--2020-09-10--Drugmakers Sign Vaccine Safety Pledge

Drugmakers Sign Vaccine Safety Pledge

Nine pharmaceutical companies have pledged not to seek FDA approval for experimental coronavirus vaccines before their safety and efficacy have @ @ @ @ @ clinical trials , a move CEOs hope will bolster public confidence and reduce fears that @ @ @ @ @ development process .
What do you think ?
“ This commendable commitment to safety is @ @ @ @ @ bring my vacc ine f irst to market.
” “ Wait , should I be @ @ @ @ @ without this pledge ?
” “ If the government wants to put my life at @ @ @ @ @ s their business .
”

Nine pharmaceutical companies have pledged not to seek FDA approval for experimental coronavirus vaccines before their safety and efficacy have been proven in Phase 3 clinical trials, a move CEOs hope will bolster public confidence and reduce fears that political pressure is rushing the development process. What do you think?
“This commendable commitment to safety is the opening I need to bring my vaccine first to market.” Graham Werth • Pharmaceutical CEO
“Wait, should I be rethinking the drugs they made without this pledge?” Noelle Perini • Bug Rehabilitator
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-10--Microsoft Debuts 2 New Xbox Consoles

Microsoft Debuts 2 New Xbox Consoles

“ I always say that the only one you should be in competition with is yourself .
”

“I always say that the only one you should be in competition with is yourself.”
Jack Heidar • Book Club Leader


theonion--2020-09-10--‘I Decide When The Show Ends,’ Says Dead-Eyed Kris Jenner Driving Minivan Filled With Family Into Sa

‘I Decide When The Show Ends,’ Says Dead-Eyed Kris Jenner Driving Minivan Filled With Family Into Santa Monica Bay

SANTA MONICA , CA—Smiling serenely while pressing the gas pedal all the way to the floor , a dead-eyed Kris Jenner reportedly murmured , “ I decide when the show ends , ” to herself as she drove a minivan filled with her family into the Santa Monica Bay .
“ Hey , E !
, I gave you the best 14 years of my life and I ’ m ending this on my terms , so how ’ s this for a season finale !
” said Jenner , 64 , abruptly cranking the wheel of the Ford Windstar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ toward the water as onlookers screamed in panic .
“ Kim , Kourtney , help your sisters buckle up .
Mommy ’ s got a real special episode planned and it starts at the bottom of the ocean .
Ohhh , the water is cold isn ’ t it !
I don ’ t know why you ’ re all crying when we get to be stars forever now.
” At press time , Caitlyn Jenner was being hailed as a hero after crashing her car into the speeding minivan , altering its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the icy waters of the bay .

SANTA MONICA, CA—Smiling serenely while pressing the gas pedal all the way to the floor, a dead-eyed Kris Jenner reportedly murmured, “I decide when the show ends,” to herself as she drove a minivan filled with her family into the Santa Monica Bay. “Hey, E!, I gave you the best 14 years of my life and I’m ending this on my terms, so how’s this for a season finale!” said Jenner, 64, abruptly cranking the wheel of the Ford Windstar and barreling down the Santa Monica Pier toward the water as onlookers screamed in panic. “Kim, Kourtney, help your sisters buckle up. Mommy’s got a real special episode planned and it starts at the bottom of the ocean. Ohhh, the water is cold isn’t it! I don’t know why you’re all crying when we get to be stars forever now.” At press time, Caitlyn Jenner was being hailed as a hero after crashing her car into the speeding minivan, altering its course into a nearby food court instead of the icy waters of the bay.


theonion--2020-09-10--Cash-Strapped Couple Forced To Share Bed

KANSAS CITY , MO—Calling it a “ financial necessity ” that hopefully wouldn ’ t last for more than a few months , 33-year-old Josh Gallagher told reporters Thursday that he and his girlfriend had become so cash-strapped that they were forced to share a bed .
“ It ’ s definitely been a challenge , but since losing our jobs , we ’ ve slept on the same mattress from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m. , every single night , ” said Gallagher , adding that while it wouldn ’ t have been his first choice to share something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comforter , and pillows with his girlfriend , for now , they had no choice .
“ Look , these are desperate times—if you told me last year that I ’ d be going to bed and waking up just inches away from my partner of six years , I ’ d have called you crazy .
But hey , we all hit road bumps , and hopefully , one day we ’ ll both look back on this crazy time in our lives where we shared a bed , a couch , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Gallagher expressed relief that he and his girlfriend didn ’ t have to resort to sharing the same sexual partner .

KANSAS CITY, MO—Calling it a “financial necessity” that hopefully wouldn’t last for more than a few months, 33-year-old Josh Gallagher told reporters Thursday that he and his girlfriend had become so cash-strapped that they were forced to share a bed. “It’s definitely been a challenge, but since losing our jobs, we’ve slept on the same mattress from 11 p.m. to 7 a.m., every single night,” said Gallagher, adding that while it wouldn’t have been his first choice to share something as private as the same sheets, comforter, and pillows with his girlfriend, for now, they had no choice. “Look, these are desperate times—if you told me last year that I’d be going to bed and waking up just inches away from my partner of six years, I’d have called you crazy. But hey, we all hit road bumps, and hopefully, one day we’ll both look back on this crazy time in our lives where we shared a bed, a couch, and a fridge as just another setback.” At press time, Gallagher expressed relief that he and his girlfriend didn’t have to resort to sharing the same sexual partner.


theonion--2020-09-10--Woman’s Guilty Pleasure Just Sitting On Couch With Pint Of Ice Cream And Watching Man Shackled To Ra

Woman’s Guilty Pleasure Just Sitting On Couch With Pint Of Ice Cream And Watching Man Shackled To Radiator Plead For Mercy

PLANO , TX—Explaining that she goes to great lengths to make self-care a priority , marketing coordinator Cassie Strickland divulged Thursday that her guilty pleasure was simply sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream and enjoying pleas for mercy from the man shackled to her radiator .
“ I know , I know , it ’ s bad , but I love snuggling up with a blanket , digging into some Ben & Jerry ’ s , and zoning out in front of Alex weeping for me to let him go , ” said Strickland , adding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ days where she doesn ’ t even have enough energy to hurl pennies at her chained and screaming captive .
“ I tell myself I ’ ll be good and only watch Alex desperately try to free his ankle from the leg irons for 30 minutes , but suddenly I ’ ll realize four hours have gone by .
The episodes of rocking back and forth and whimpering can get a bit repetitive , but really , I like that I can enjoy the sobs without having to pay too close attention .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ him , which I might do eventually , because I really should read more.
” Strickland also revealed plans to draw a nice , hot bubble bath and hold her prisoner ’ s head under the warm water .

PLANO, TX—Explaining that she goes to great lengths to make self-care a priority, marketing coordinator Cassie Strickland divulged Thursday that her guilty pleasure was simply sitting on the couch with a pint of ice cream and enjoying pleas for mercy from the man shackled to her radiator. “I know, I know, it’s bad, but I love snuggling up with a blanket, digging into some Ben & Jerry’s, and zoning out in front of Alex weeping for me to let him go,” said Strickland, adding that excessive job stress often lead to days where she doesn’t even have enough energy to hurl pennies at her chained and screaming captive. “I tell myself I’ll be good and only watch Alex desperately try to free his ankle from the leg irons for 30 minutes, but suddenly I’ll realize four hours have gone by. The episodes of rocking back and forth and whimpering can get a bit repetitive, but really, I like that I can enjoy the sobs without having to pay too close attention. Sometimes he begs me to just kill him, which I might do eventually, because I really should read more.” Strickland also revealed plans to draw a nice, hot bubble bath and hold her prisoner’s head under the warm water.


theonion--2020-09-10--Every Character In 19th-Century Novel Really Worked Up About Some Guy Wearing A Yellow Cravat To Chu

Every Character In 19th-Century Novel Really Worked Up About Some Guy Wearing A Yellow Cravat To Church

SAUGATUCK , MI—Flipping ahead a few pages to gauge the story line ’ s length , local woman Mariann Delaney confirmed Thursday that every character in the 19th-century novel she ’ s reading sure is awfully worked up about the gentleman who wears a yellow cravat to church .
“ Seems like everyone in town has something to say about Mr. Rothshire and his yellow cravat , ” said Delaney , who has reportedly been reading about how the garment has made the otherwise respectable member of the gentry a “ laughingstock , ” “ outcast , ” and “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than 30 pages already .
“ It started when Miss Birmingham saw the tailor hand it to him , and I have to admit I didn ’ t realize it was more than an extraneous detail until the widow Dorrington caught sight of it during Sunday service and began to quietly weep .
From what I can gather , this canary-colored neck scarf has made him some sort of social pariah , and now pretty much all the townspeople are speculating upon whether he ’ ll be called to face the court .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ even worse than when Reverend Cromarty agreed to let Madame LeGrand serve her tart berry pie at the annual Easter banquet.
” At press time , Delaney observed that matters had only worsened for Mr. Rothshire once word got out that the yellow cravat had been wantonly fashioned from foreign silks .

SAUGATUCK, MI—Flipping ahead a few pages to gauge the story line’s length, local woman Mariann Delaney confirmed Thursday that every character in the 19th-century novel she’s reading sure is awfully worked up about the gentleman who wears a yellow cravat to church. “Seems like everyone in town has something to say about Mr. Rothshire and his yellow cravat,” said Delaney, who has reportedly been reading about how the garment has made the otherwise respectable member of the gentry a “laughingstock,” “outcast,” and “menace to proper society” for more than 30 pages already. “It started when Miss Birmingham saw the tailor hand it to him, and I have to admit I didn’t realize it was more than an extraneous detail until the widow Dorrington caught sight of it during Sunday service and began to quietly weep. From what I can gather, this canary-colored neck scarf has made him some sort of social pariah, and now pretty much all the townspeople are speculating upon whether he’ll be called to face the court. They’re saying it’s even worse than when Reverend Cromarty agreed to let Madame LeGrand serve her tart berry pie at the annual Easter banquet.” At press time, Delaney observed that matters had only worsened for Mr. Rothshire once word got out that the yellow cravat had been wantonly fashioned from foreign silks.


theonion--2020-09-10--The Best NBA Players Of All Time

The Best NBA Players Of All Time

From Mikan to Mike , Baylor to LeBron , the NBA has given a stage to dozens of transcendent athletes @ @ @ @ @ inspire today .
As the Finals approach , The Onion looks back at the greatest @ @ @ @ @ court .

From Mikan to Mike, Baylor to LeBron, the NBA has given a stage to dozens of transcendent athletes whose legacies still resonate and inspire today. As the Finals approach, The Onion looks back at the greatest players to ever take the court.


theonion--2020-09-11--Ai Weiwei’s Niece Annoyed He Tried To Pass Off Another Used Bicycle Sculpture As Birthday Present

CAMBRIDGE , ENGLAND—Feigning surprise as she unwrapped the massive art installation , Ai Weiwei ’ s niece Zhang Jing was reportedly annoyed Friday that her uncle had again tried to pass off one of his massive used bicycle sculptures as a birthday present .
“ What the hell am I supposed to do with hundreds of bicycles welded together into a giant tower ?
” Zhang said to reporters , adding that she had smiled politely and told the renowned artist and activist his present was “ very cool , ” even though he had given her another , very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not like I can ride them around town with my friends .
I can ’ t figure out how to take them apart , and in any case , they ’ re not even real , functioning bikes .
If he ’ s as successful as everyone says , you ’ d think he could at least afford to buy me a brand-new bike that isn ’ t missing the handlebars and pedals.
” At press time , Zhang had reportedly left the sculpture in her backyard next to the pile @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she received from her uncle for Christmas .

CAMBRIDGE, ENGLAND—Feigning surprise as she unwrapped the massive art installation, Ai Weiwei’s niece Zhang Jing was reportedly annoyed Friday that her uncle had again tried to pass off one of his massive used bicycle sculptures as a birthday present. “What the hell am I supposed to do with hundreds of bicycles welded together into a giant tower?” Zhang said to reporters, adding that she had smiled politely and told the renowned artist and activist his present was “very cool,” even though he had given her another, very similar sculpture last year. “It’s not like I can ride them around town with my friends. I can’t figure out how to take them apart, and in any case, they’re not even real, functioning bikes. If he’s as successful as everyone says, you’d think he could at least afford to buy me a brand-new bike that isn’t missing the handlebars and pedals.” At press time, Zhang had reportedly left the sculpture in her backyard next to the pile of 100 million handcrafted porcelain sunflower seeds she received from her uncle for Christmas.


theonion--2020-09-11--Los Angeles Walks Back Halloween Cancellation

Less than a day after announcing a ban on trick-or-treating , the L.A. County Department of Public Health walked back @ @ @ @ @ guidelines stating that most Halloween-related activities were “ not recommended ” due to the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Damn , I w as really excited to see them arrest some @ @ @ @ @ God .
I ’ ve been waiting all year for an excuse to wear a @ @ @ @ @ m sure Zoom trick-or-treating and some virtual candy will be just as appealing .
”

Less than a day after announcing a ban on trick-or-treating, the L.A. County Department of Public Health walked back their decision, issuing revised guidelines stating that most Halloween-related activities were “not recommended” due to the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
“Damn, I w as really excited to see them arrest some little kids.” Tim Ferriter • Hangnail Trimmer
“Thank God. I’ve been waiting all year for an excuse to wear a mask.” Irma Kosk • Dill Farmer
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-11--Scaled-Back GOP Stimulus Bill Fails In Senate

Senate Republicans on Thursday failed to pass their scaled-down stimulus plan , which Democrats opposed as inadequate , likely ensuring @ @ @ @ @ package will not materialize until after the election .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ couple more months , there ’ ll be fewer Americans t hey ’ ll have @ @ @ @ @ “ If they need help passing any other bills , I ’ m actually looking @ @ @ @ @ “ With that out of the way , they can move on to the important @ @ @ @ @ offices .
”

Senate Republicans on Thursday failed to pass their scaled-down stimulus plan, which Democrats opposed as inadequate, likely ensuring that a second-round coronavirus relief package will not materialize until after the election. What do you think?
“Smart. By waiting a couple more months, there’ll be fewer Americans t hey’ll have to spend money on.” Gibson Vitello • Blood Stain Remover
“If they need help passing any other bills, I’m actually looking for work right now.” Newt Heme • Unemployed
Advertisement


theonion--2020-09-11--Rockets Cite Advanced Statistics To Support Strategy Of Giving LeBron James Coronavirus

ORLANDO—Stressing that the unconventional tactic was warranted to counter the Lakers star ’ s incredible postseason production , Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey cited advanced statistics Friday to support the team ’ s strategy of giving LeBron James coronavirus .
“ According to our analytics model , the only viable way to slow down LeBron right now is with the fever and respiratory problems that Covid brings to the table , ” Morey told reporters at a pre-game press conference , claiming James ’ relentless scoring had forced the Rockets to start thinking outside the box with their defensive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s a cheap tactic or that it isn ’ t ‘ real basketball , ’ but the numbers say this scheme is our best chance to win .
LeBron has been playing out of his mind lately , so even double-teaming him won ’ t work unless one of the players is spraying him with coronavirus-infected water droplets .
We ’ ve analyzed this from every possible angle and our best chance is simply forcing LeBron to quarantine for the remainder of the series.
” Morey concluded the press conference by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a part of the team ’ s super-spreader offense .

ORLANDO—Stressing that the unconventional tactic was warranted to counter the Lakers star’s incredible postseason production, Houston Rockets general manager Daryl Morey cited advanced statistics Friday to support the team’s strategy of giving LeBron James coronavirus. “According to our analytics model, the only viable way to slow down LeBron right now is with the fever and respiratory problems that Covid brings to the table,” Morey told reporters at a pre-game press conference, claiming James’ relentless scoring had forced the Rockets to start thinking outside the box with their defensive scheme. “Some people might think it’s a cheap tactic or that it isn’t ‘real basketball,’ but the numbers say this scheme is our best chance to win. LeBron has been playing out of his mind lately, so even double-teaming him won’t work unless one of the players is spraying him with coronavirus-infected water droplets. We’ve analyzed this from every possible angle and our best chance is simply forcing LeBron to quarantine for the remainder of the series.” Morey concluded the press conference by announcing the decision to isolate James Harden as a part of the team’s super-spreader offense.


theonion--2020-09-11--Small Town Relieved All Their Beloved Local Businesses Already Forced To Close Down Before Coronavir

Small Town Relieved All Their Beloved Local Businesses Already Forced To Close Down Before Coronavirus Hit

ARCADIA , WI—Saying they took comfort in the knowledge that things were unlikely to get any worse , residents of a small town in western Wisconsin expressed relief Friday that all of their beloved local businesses had been forced to close down long before Covid-19 struck .
“ I can ’ t imagine how heartbreaking it would be if all the establishments that formed the bedrock of this community were still open and got driven out of business by the coronavirus , ” said Arcadia native Mike McKay , 33 , explaining that area boutiques , restaurants , bars , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the deadly pandemic because they no longer existed .
“ We ’ re very fortunate that mask mandates and restrictions on large gatherings didn ’ t change much about life here .
We don ’ t really have any town gathering spots anymore , and with so many people leaving here to look for work in other places , there isn ’ t anyone left to gather , anyway .
I guess we really dodged a bullet.
” McKay added that the small town didn ’ t have to worry about overflowing emergency @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shut down years ago .

ARCADIA, WI—Saying they took comfort in the knowledge that things were unlikely to get any worse, residents of a small town in western Wisconsin expressed relief Friday that all of their beloved local businesses had been forced to close down long before Covid-19 struck. “I can’t imagine how heartbreaking it would be if all the establishments that formed the bedrock of this community were still open and got driven out of business by the coronavirus,” said Arcadia native Mike McKay, 33, explaining that area boutiques, restaurants, bars, and coffee shops remained completely unscathed by the deadly pandemic because they no longer existed. “We’re very fortunate that mask mandates and restrictions on large gatherings didn’t change much about life here. We don’t really have any town gathering spots anymore, and with so many people leaving here to look for work in other places, there isn’t anyone left to gather, anyway. I guess we really dodged a bullet.” McKay added that the small town didn’t have to worry about overflowing emergency rooms either, because its only hospital shut down years ago.


theonion--2020-09-11--Students Without Internet Access To Attend Remotely By Peering Through Home Window Of Wealthier Clas

Students Without Internet Access To Attend Remotely By Peering Through Home Window Of Wealthier Classmate

CHICAGO—Assuring parents they were more than prepared for their first fully virtual semester , Chicago Public Schools encouraged students without internet access Friday to attend remotely by peering through the home windows of wealthier classmates .
“ If you have any problem at all connecting to online classes , simply walk to a more upscale neighborhood , peer through the blinds , and watch your Zoom class via their feed instead , ” said CPS superintendent Janice Jackson , adding that they were working around the clock to get all children , regardless of income , access to wealthy family @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press their faces against the glass while they stared at laptops 20-fee t away .
“ We understand that this semester will come with unique challenges for many students , but we urge them to try to the best of their ability to hop a fence to a gated complex , scramble up a trellis , and cling to the window frame of their classmate ’ s second-story bedroom .
Also , don ’ t hesitate to reach out to your teachers if you have any problems—many of them are probably huddled in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now , trying to use the high-speed internet of affluent residents.
” At press time , numerous parents expressed concerns after seeing students in the background of Zoom calls falling from window sills , succumbing to guard dogs , or being swatted away with fireplace pokers .

CHICAGO—Assuring parents they were more than prepared for their first fully virtual semester, Chicago Public Schools encouraged students without internet access Friday to attend remotely by peering through the home windows of wealthier classmates. “If you have any problem at all connecting to online classes, simply walk to a more upscale neighborhood, peer through the blinds, and watch your Zoom class via their feed instead,” said CPS superintendent Janice Jackson, adding that they were working around the clock to get all children, regardless of income, access to wealthy family’s mansions where they could longingly press their faces against the glass while they stared at laptops 20-fee t away. “We understand that this semester will come with unique challenges for many students, but we urge them to try to the best of their ability to hop a fence to a gated complex, scramble up a trellis, and cling to the window frame of their classmate’s second-story bedroom. Also, don’t hesitate to reach out to your teachers if you have any problems—many of them are probably huddled in an alley of a fancy neighborhood right now, trying to use the high-speed internet of affluent residents.” At press time, numerous parents expressed concerns after seeing students in the background of Zoom calls falling from window sills, succumbing to guard dogs, or being swatted away with fireplace pokers.


theonion--2020-09-11--Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far

WASHINGTON—In response to criticism for withholding “ bombshell ” audio of the president , veteran Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward defended his actions Friday by noting journalism has had no effect on Donald Trump so far .
“ In my defense , I only kept this damning interview with the president from the American people because it ’ s not going to make any difference whatsoever , ” said the reporter famous for breaking the Watergate scandal , adding that he has filed hundreds of hard-evidence-backed stories on the myriad unspeakable things Donald Trump has said and done in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ articles resulted in a single consequence .
“ Trust me , I would have released this tape of Trump openly brushing off the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Americans back in February if we lived in a world where ironclad evidence of the president ’ s dishonesty would lead to repercussions—but we don ’ t .
All I ’ m saying is there were plenty of other stories that made you say , ‘ Oh my God , the president behaved unprofessionally , ’ back in March , and not one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought I was helping by not piling on.
” Woodward added that the only way he could see Trump being affected in the slightest by the damning audio would be if someone threw the recording device at him .

WASHINGTON—In response to criticism for withholding “bombshell” audio of the president, veteran Washington Post journalist Bob Woodward defended his actions Friday by noting journalism has had no effect on Donald Trump so far. “In my defense, I only kept this damning interview with the president from the American people because it’s not going to make any difference whatsoever,” said the reporter famous for breaking the Watergate scandal, adding that he has filed hundreds of hard-evidence-backed stories on the myriad unspeakable things Donald Trump has said and done in the past four years and none of the articles resulted in a single consequence. “Trust me, I would have released this tape of Trump openly brushing off the deaths of hundreds of thousands of Americans back in February if we lived in a world where ironclad evidence of the president’s dishonesty would lead to repercussions—but we don’t. All I’m saying is there were plenty of other stories that made you say, ‘Oh my God, the president behaved unprofessionally, ’ back in March, and not one of them moved the needle. I actually thought I was helping by not piling on.” Woodward added that the only way he could see Trump being affected in the slightest by the damning audio would be if someone threw the recording device at him.


theonion--2020-09-11--Gamers, This Might Be The Sambuca Talking, But ‘Fall Guys’ Is An Energetic Spin On The Battle Royale

Gamers, This Might Be The Sambuca Talking, But ‘Fall Guys’ Is An Energetic Spin On The Battle Royale Genre

Boy oh boy , gamers , we ’ re just living life out here , really just vibing with the scene tonight , so you ’ ve got to take what we ’ re about to say with a grain of salt .
Obviously , this might just be the Sambuca talking , but Fall Guys : Ultimate Knockout is an energetic spin on the battle royale genre that everyone should try out .
No , we ’ ll go farther than that .
If we were dead sober , we probably wouldn ’ t have the stones to say @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s just something we feel like we need to say : Fall Guys is a more- than- welcome addition to the last man standing mechanics that sparkles with polish and an addictive gameplay loop .
Look , we know a lot of people said the popular battle royale formula was played out , and we ’ re obviously a little tipsy right now to boot .
But what the hell , y ’ know ?
Our tongue is a little loosened by all that ’ buca and what Fall Guys does best is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ visuals and just enough platformer innovation to keep you coming back for more .
God , who even ordered that last round ?
Gamers , this is a time when we can really just be us , and this is a safe space because we trust you , which is why we ’ re willing to open up and say we love the way Fall Guys exchanges the typical battle royale violence for a unique sense of cartoon whimsy .
It just feels like everything is coming together for us tonight if that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how that happens , huh ?
Have you ever had Sambuca before , gamers ?
It ’ s anise liquor or something like that .
It ’ s not really good per se , but it ’ s unique and kind of addicting , not unlike Fall Guys ’ level design .
Hold on .
We should put something in the stomach just to absorb the alcohol before we talk about the delightful rag-doll physics .
It was , like , $ 24 for this big tapas thing , but it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We didn ’ t have lunch , so these shots were really going to our head .
You don ’ t mind if we keep telling you about Fall Guys while we chow down , right ?
Man , these polpette meatball things are so good .
Anyway , gamers , we ’ re pretty wasted at this point .
That ’ s probably clear already .
But these shots and Peroni keep coming our way , and we ’ d feel like dicks refusing .
Ugh .
What were we even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mini games in all , ranging from simple obstacle course races to heart-pounding variations like Hoopsie Daisy ?
Gosh , you ’ re so nice to us , gamers .
You ’ re always reading our articles and looking to us for opinions on the latest in the gaming industry .
It ’ s , like , we aren ’ t anything special , but you make us… feel special ?
If that makes sense ?
Obviously , we ’ re not trying to make you uncomfortable , but we ’ ve had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to tell you that we ’ ve felt that way about you for a long time .
We have these dreams about you ... Oh God , what were we thinking ?
Sorry , we shouldn ’ t have said anything .
We don ’ t know what we were talking about .
It ’ s just all the Sambuca .
We ’ ve had too much , gamers .
We ’ re going to grab a cab home .
We don ’ t even remember exactly what we said about Fall Guys @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this whole thing from your memory .

Boy oh boy, gamers, we’re just living life out here, really just vibing with the scene tonight, so you’ve got to take what we’re about to say with a grain of salt. Obviously, this might just be the Sambuca talking, but Fall Guys: Ultimate Knockout is an energetic spin on the battle royale genre that everyone should try out.
No, we’ll go farther than that. If we were dead sober, we probably wouldn’t have the stones to say something like this. But it’s just something we feel like we need to say: Fall Guys is a more- than- welcome addition to the last man standing mechanics that sparkles with polish and an addictive gameplay loop.
Advertisement
Look, we know a lot of people said the popular battle royale formula was played out, and we’re obviously a little tipsy right now to boot. But what the hell, y’know? Our tongue is a little loosened by all that ’ buca and what Fall Guys does best is dress up a tried-and-true formula with vibrant visuals and just enough platformer innovation to keep you coming back for more. God, who even ordered that last round?
Gamers, this is a time when we can really just be us, and this is a safe space because we trust you, which is why we’re willing to open up and say we love the way Fall Guys exchanges the typical battle royale violence for a unique sense of cartoon whimsy. It just feels like everything is coming together for us tonight if that makes sense. It’s funny how that happens, huh?
Advertisement Advertisement
Have you ever had Sambuca before, gamers? It’s anise liquor or something like that. It’s not really good per se, but it’s unique and kind of addicting, not unlike Fall Guys’ level design.
Hold on. We should put something in the stomach just to absorb the alcohol before we talk about the delightful rag-doll physics. It was, like, $24 for this big tapas thing, but it’s going to be worth it tomorrow morning. We didn’t have lunch, so these shots were really going to our head. You don’t mind if we keep telling you about Fall Guys while we chow down, right? Man, these polpette meatball things are so good.
Advertisement
Anyway, gamers, we’re pretty wasted at this point. That’s probably clear already. But these shots and Peroni keep coming our way, and we’d feel like dicks refusing. Ugh. What were we even saying? Something about there being 24 mini games in all, ranging from simple obstacle course races to heart-pounding variations like Hoopsie Daisy?
Gosh, you’re so nice to us, gamers. You’re always reading our articles and looking to us for opinions on the latest in the gaming industry. It’s, like, we aren’t anything special, but you make us… feel special? If that makes sense? Obviously, we’re not trying to make you uncomfortable, but we’ve had enough to drink that it feels okay to tell you that we’ve felt that way about you for a long time. We have these dreams about you...
Advertisement
Oh God, what were we thinking? Sorry, we shouldn’t have said anything. We don’t know what we were talking about. It’s just all the Sambuca. We’ve had too much, gamers. We’re going to grab a cab home. We don’t even remember exactly what we said about Fall Guys. Please, just try to erase this whole thing from your memory.
Sorry.


theonion--2020-09-11--Huge Quantities Of Primo Shit Incinerated By Feds

Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear what led DEA agents to seize and destroy more than 16,000 pounds of the dank sticky-icky.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts , and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-13--Adam Gase Warns Jets Fans Not To Overreact To First 60 Years Of Franchise

FLORHAM PARK , NJ—Asking for patience so the team has time to develop and cohere , New York Jets head coach Adam Gase warned Sunday that fans should not overreact too much to the first 60 years of the franchise .
“ I know that we got to a slow start in the first six decades , but it takes time to build a winning culture , ” said Gase , who claimed that despite the desire of fans to see the team win right now , it could take up to 150 years to turn around the Jets franchise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this team and give all these hot takes based on one little century , that ’ s not how football works .
I know these armchair quarterbacks are gon na attack me if we look bad this next decade , but that is just short-term thinking , and I ’ m in this for the long haul .
We got some promising young guys on this team and I guarantee they will still be alive to see us lift the trophy by the 2080s.
” At press time , Gase was retooling his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in four weeks .

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Asking for patience so the team has time to develop and cohere, New York Jets head coach Adam Gase warned Sunday that fans should not overreact too much to the first 60 years of the franchise. “I know that we got to a slow start in the first six decades, but it takes time to build a winning culture,” said Gase, who claimed that despite the desire of fans to see the team win right now, it could take up to 150 years to turn around the Jets franchise. “You can’t judge this team and give all these hot takes based on one little century, that’s not how football works. I know these armchair quarterbacks are gonna attack me if we look bad this next decade, but that is just short-term thinking, and I’m in this for the long haul. We got some promising young guys on this team and I guarantee they will still be alive to see us lift the trophy by the 2080s.” At press time, Gase was retooling his entire offensive scheme for the third time in four weeks.


theonion--2020-09-14--Nation’s Action Heroes Demand Hackers Say It Again In English

WASHINGTON—Urging the eggheads to translate their scientific gobbledygook , the nation ’ s action heroes released a statement Monday demanding @ @ @ @ @ English .
“ We ’ re calling on all tech-savvy wunderkinds to pretend for a @ @ @ @ @ t have a m aster ’ s in programming from M.I.T .
and repeat back @ @ @ @ @ re talking about , ” said local protagonist Jake Bronson , speaking on behalf of @ @ @ @ @ U.S. beseeching all p oindexters and dweebs to heed the call and rephrase their jargon @ @ @ @ @ Now is the time for all bespectacled sidekicks to remind themselves that if we can @ @ @ @ @ here in the next 30 seconds , the shit ’ s really going to hit @ @ @ @ @ use that urgency to repeat their comments in another way since we don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ time , Bronson issued a follow- up statement confirming that protagonists could kiss those beautiful @ @ @ @ @ ’ s hackers successfully unlocked the encrypted file drive .

WASHINGTON—Urging the eggheads to translate their scientific gobbledygook, the nation’s action heroes released a statement Monday demanding hackers say it again in English. “We’re calling on all tech-savvy wunderkinds to pretend for a second that we don’t have a m aster’ s in programming from M.I.T. and repeat back whatever the hell they’re talking about,” said local protagonist Jake Bronson, speaking on behalf of macho primary characters across the U.S. beseeching all p oindexters and dweebs to heed the call and rephrase their jargon into plain terms. “Now is the time for all bespectacled sidekicks to remind themselves that if we can’t get out of here in the next 30 seconds, the shit’s really going to hit the fan, and to use that urgency to repeat their comments in another way since we don’t speak Nerd.” At press time, Bronson issued a follow- up statement confirming that protagonists could kiss those beautiful four-eyed bastards after the nation’s hackers successfully unlocked the encrypted file drive.