theonion--2020-02-21--Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Elect

Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election

WASHINGTON—Increasingly troubled about the role the self-proclaimed visionary and healer might play in the presidential race , intelligence experts expressed concerns Friday that Volokov Molchalin , the pale Russian mystic constantly at President Donald Trump ’ s side , may attempt to influence the 2020 election .
“ While we ’ re unsure exactly what Volokov is whispering into Trump ’ s ear—or if it ’ s a known language at all— it ’ s the consensus of the intelligence community that he likely intends to meddle in the upcoming election , perhaps by using his self-professed hypnotic powers to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ National Intelligence Director Joseph Maguire , noting that the long-bearded Eastern Orthodox prophet had enjoyed unprecedented access to the Oval Office since laying his hands on the president ’ s thigh in early June and allegedly curing him of an internal hemorrhage .
“ What ’ s more unsettling is that Volokov has only grown more brazen in his attempts to alter the president ’ s behavior , encouraging Trump to purify himself by self-flagellating , filling the West Wing with frankincense , or repeating occult incantations until his eyes roll back in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also received reports that Volokov can read minds , which would obviously make any counterintelligence efforts difficult , if not impossible.
” At press time , terrified officials had escalated their warnings after a failed assassination attempt in which repeated stabbings , a gunshot wound to the head , and an apparent drowning in the freezing Potomac River failed to end the Russian mystic ’ s life .

WASHINGTON—Increasingly troubled about the role the self-proclaimed visionary and healer might play in the presidential race, intelligence experts expressed concerns Friday that Volokov Molchalin, the pale Russian mystic constantly at President Donald Trump’s side, may attempt to influence the 2020 election. “While we’re unsure exactly what Volokov is whispering into Trump’s ear—or if it’s a known language at all— it’s the consensus of the intelligence community that he likely intends to meddle in the upcoming election, perhaps by using his self-professed hypnotic powers to sway the American public,” said National Intelligence Director Joseph Maguire, noting that the long-bearded Eastern Orthodox prophet had enjoyed unprecedented access to the Oval Office since laying his hands on the president’s thigh in early June and allegedly curing him of an internal hemorrhage. “What’s more unsettling is that Volokov has only grown more brazen in his attempts to alter the president’s behavior, encouraging Trump to purify himself by self-flagellating, filling the West Wing with frankincense, or repeating occult incantations until his eyes roll back in a mystical trance. We’ve also received reports that Volokov can read minds, which would obviously make any counterintelligence efforts difficult, if not impossible.” At press time, terrified officials had escalated their warnings after a failed assassination attempt in which repeated stabbings, a gunshot wound to the head, and an apparent drowning in the freezing Potomac River failed to end the Russian mystic’s life.


theonion--2020-02-21--GM Ups Ante In SUV Race With New 14-Seat, 11-Door, 7-Wheel, 4-Trunk Chevy Teton

DETROIT—In an effort to maintain their lead in the increasingly competitive heavy-duty sport utility vehicle market , General Motors unveiled Friday their new 14-seat , 11-door , 7-wheel , 4-trunk Chevrolet Teton .
“ Americans have come to expect more truckness from their SUVs , so we ’ re happy to deliver the first vehicle in its class with ninth-row seating and concentric nesting steering wheels , ” said CEO Mary T. Barra , adding that efficiency-minded electric-powertrain innovators in the personal truck segment , such as Tesla and Rivian , had inspired General Motors to double down on their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with 20-gallon cup holders and 18 subwoofers per seat as standard .
“ We spared no expense with this triple-axle quadruple-crossover .
No truck outside of the former Soviet military has more storage space , not to mention optional heated headliners and in-trunk seating .
Whether it ’ s the patent-leather cover on the new septurbo ‘ TriTip ’ 16-cylinder engine or the optional glass-bottomed interior , the Teton has something for everyone—even potential owners our marketing department only suspects may even exist.
” Barra concluded the press conference by noting that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with optional chrome wheels larger than the body of the vehicle itself .

DETROIT—In an effort to maintain their lead in the increasingly competitive heavy-duty sport utility vehicle market, General Motors unveiled Friday their new 14-seat, 11-door, 7-wheel, 4-trunk Chevrolet Teton. “Americans have come to expect more truckness from their SUVs, so we’re happy to deliver the first vehicle in its class with ninth-row seating and concentric nesting steering wheels,” said CEO Mary T. Barra, adding that efficiency-minded electric-powertrain innovators in the personal truck segment, such as Tesla and Rivian, had inspired General Motors to double down on their own traditional strengths and equip the Teton with 20-gallon cup holders and 18 subwoofers per seat as standard. “We spared no expense with this triple-axle quadruple-crossover. No truck outside of the former Soviet military has more storage space, not to mention optional heated headliners and in-trunk seating. Whether it’s the patent-leather cover on the new septurbo ‘TriTip’ 16-cylinder engine or the optional glass-bottomed interior, the Teton has something for everyone—even potential owners our marketing department only suspects may even exist.” Barra concluded the press conference by noting that the Teton would be the first SUV available with optional chrome wheels larger than the body of the vehicle itself.


theonion--2020-02-21--Pros And Cons Of Banning Peanuts In Schools

More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies , while @ @ @ @ @ entirely goes too far .
The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning @ @ @ @ @ bullies learn valuable lesson about how pranking allergic kids with peanuts actually very dangerous .
@ @ @ @ @ to fix .
Janitors don ’ t have to clean up as many deceased children @ @ @ @ @ make elementary school peanut black market grow even stronger .
Death of classmate typically gets @ @ @ @ @ day .
Most teachers only make enough money to afford peanut butter and jelly sandwiches @ @ @ @ @ safer to allow trained teachers to concealed-carry peanuts .

More schools across the U.S. are banning peanuts in response to a rise in children with peanut allergies, while critics say that prohibiting them entirely goes too far. The Onion breaks down the pros and cons of banning peanuts in schools.
PRO
Lets bullies learn valuable lesson about how pranking allergic kids with peanuts actually very dangerous.
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Less chance of attracting elephants.
Nothing else in school system to fix.
Additional reason to randomly search bags.
Janitors don’t have to clean up as many deceased children.
CON
Unfair to genetically superior children.
Banning peanuts will only make elementary school peanut black market grow even stronger.
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Death of classmate typically gets you at least a half day.
Most teachers only make enough money to afford peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch.
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Actually much safer to allow trained teachers to concealed-carry peanuts.


theonion--2020-02-21--Disappointing: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Received An M Rating Solely For A Scene Where Ellie Meets A Do

Disappointing: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Received An M Rating Solely For A Scene Where Ellie Meets A Dog That Swears And Smokes Cigarettes

Well , this is going to turn some gamers off .
Naughty Dog ’ s recent games have long been known for their brutal depiction of violence and thought-provoking exploration of adult themes .
But according to new information on The Last of Us Part II ’ s official website , the ESRB has given the upcoming title an M rating solely for a scene in which Ellie meets a fast-talking dog who continually swears and smokes cigarettes .
Frankly , this is a pretty worrying development for anyone hoping to see Joel and Ellie ’ s adventure play out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is known for .
“ With this latest title , we really wanted to bring the mature themes of the series to the forefront , which is why we introduced T.J. the Talking Dog , a mean little hound who has a pack-a-day habit and isn ’ t afraid to call a passing Cordyceps-infested human a ‘ motherfucker ’ if they deserve it , ” said Last of Us Part II co-director Neil Druckmann , saying he felt the ESRB rating was entirely deserved given the rough-and-tumble canine ’ s penchant to “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like it was water ” and inclination to dress in a leather motorcyclist ’ s vest .
“ I wouldn ’ t want a kid seeing T.J. puffing away like a chimney on his beloved Marlboros and thinking this sort of thing is cool .
Make no mistake , this is an adult-oriented game made expressly for grown-ups.
” “ Some fans might think it ’ s a bit gratuitous , but the entire team agreed that a swearing dog with a smoker ’ s cough was exactly what we needed to move @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Druckmann went on to detail the three-minute cutscene , in which Ellie—visibly upset by the recent death of an unnamed ally—discovers the hard-living dog standing at the opposite side of the street , where he urges her to “ buck the fuck up about that shit ” before having a coughing fit and ashing his cigarette into a roadside corpse .
He added that the fox terrier has no direct dialogue with Ellie herself , who spends the scene staring blank-faced at T.J. as he barks out several more slurs and repeatedly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up some goddamn tail , ” before scampering off into a dilapidated building to search for some alcohol to blow off steam .
Here at OGN , we ’ ve got to admit that we were a bit let down to hear that The Last of Us Part II will break away from the series ’ visceral fistfights and heart-pumping gunplay in order to introduce this gruff dog , especially since Druckmann stressed that T.J. would play no further role within the rest of the narrative and that there would be no explanation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the title ’ s largely grounded universe .
But if anyone can pull off a narrative coup like this , we ’ re sure it ’ s a gaming juggernaut like Naughty Dog !
Check our homepage for all the latest updates on what ’ s still sure to be a contender for 2020 Game Of The Year !

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Well, this is going to turn some gamers off. Naughty Dog’s recent games have long been known for their brutal depiction of violence and thought-provoking exploration of adult themes. But according to new information on The Last of Us Part II’s official website, the ESRB has given the upcoming title an M rating solely for a scene in which Ellie meets a fast-talking dog who continually swears and smokes cigarettes.
Frankly, this is a pretty worrying development for anyone hoping to see Joel and Ellie’s adventure play out with the typical maturity the legendary series is known for.
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“With this latest title, we really wanted to bring the mature themes of the series to the forefront, which is why we introduced T.J. the Talking Dog, a mean little hound who has a pack-a-day habit and isn’t afraid to call a passing Cordyceps-infested human a ‘motherfucker’ if they deserve it,” said Last of Us Part II co-director Neil Druckmann, saying he felt the ESRB rating was entirely deserved given the rough-and-tumble canine’s penchant to “curse like a sailor and drink whiskey like it was water” and inclination to dress in a leather motorcyclist’s vest. “I wouldn’t want a kid seeing T.J. puffing away like a chimney on his beloved Marlboros and thinking this sort of thing is cool. Make no mistake, this is an adult-oriented game made expressly for grown-ups.”
“Some fans might think it’s a bit gratuitous, but the entire team agreed that a swearing dog with a smoker’s cough was exactly what we needed to move the series forward,” he continued.
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Druckmann went on to detail the three-minute cutscene, in which Ellie—visibly upset by the recent death of an unnamed ally—discovers the hard-living dog standing at the opposite side of the street, where he urges her to “buck the fuck up about that shit” before having a coughing fit and ashing his cigarette into a roadside corpse. He added that the fox terrier has no direct dialogue with Ellie herself, who spends the scene staring blank-faced at T.J. as he barks out several more slurs and repeatedly mentions his sexual desire to “scrounge up some goddamn tail,” before scampering off into a dilapidated building to search for some alcohol to blow off steam.
Here at OGN, we’ve got to admit that we were a bit let down to hear that The Last of Us Part II will break away from the series’ visceral fistfights and heart-pumping gunplay in order to introduce this gruff dog, especially since Druckmann stressed that T.J. would play no further role within the rest of the narrative and that there would be no explanation for how a talking animal factors into the title’s largely grounded universe. But if anyone can pull off a narrative coup like this, we’re sure it’s a gaming juggernaut like Naughty Dog!
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Check our homepage for all the latest updates on what’s still sure to be a contender for 2020 Game Of The Year!


theonion--2020-02-21--Passengers Aboard Coronavirus Cruise Ship Refusing To Leave After Forming Unlikely Friendships With

Passengers Aboard Coronavirus Cruise Ship Refusing To Leave After Forming Unlikely Friendships With Each Other That Transcend Nations, Languages

YOKOHAMA , JAPAN—Linking arms together and digging their feet heels triumphantly into the ground , hundreds of passengers aboard a coronavirus-infected cruise ship refused to leave Friday after forming unlikely friendships with each other that transcended their nationalities and languages .
“ When we first set out on this journey , we were nothing but strangers , but now , after spending over two weeks together , I am proud to call myself a member of the Diamond Princess family , ” said American passenger Jeremy Haab to a crowd of stunned , hazmat-clad officials on shore , repeating the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Korean , Mandarin , Farsi , and Dutch .
“ Although you may try to remove us and send us to our respective homes , know that the unbreakable bond we now share can never be shattered .
Whether you are a 3-year-old boy from Australia or an 81-year-old woman from Hong Kong , you are all my brothers and sisters .
So rise up , my family !
This ship is ours !
” At press time , Haab could be seen donning a captain ’ s uniform , ordering his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the shackles of society ” and steer their boat out into the open seas .

YOKOHAMA, JAPAN—Linking arms together and digging their feet heels triumphantly into the ground, hundreds of passengers aboard a coronavirus-infected cruise ship refused to leave Friday after forming unlikely friendships with each other that transcended their nationalities and languages. “When we first set out on this journey, we were nothing but strangers, but now, after spending over two weeks together, I am proud to call myself a member of the Diamond Princess family,” said American passenger Jeremy Haab to a crowd of stunned, hazmat-clad officials on shore, repeating the same phrase in several languages including Japanese, Korean, Mandarin, Farsi, and Dutch. “Although you may try to remove us and send us to our respective homes, know that the unbreakable bond we now share can never be shattered. Whether you are a 3-year-old boy from Australia or an 81-year-old woman from Hong Kong, you are all my brothers and sisters. So rise up, my family! This ship is ours!” At press time, Haab could be seen donning a captain’s uniform, ordering his fellow passengers to “break free from the shackles of society” and steer their boat out into the open seas.


theonion--2020-02-24--Scientists Use Artificial Intelligence To Discover New Antibiotics

MIT scientists have developed a machine-learning computer algorithm to identify new and more powerful molecules capable of killing so-called superbugs @ @ @ @ @ to common antibiotics .
What do you think ?
“ This is going to put @ @ @ @ @ of work.
” “ It ’ s sad how we ’ ve become reliant on @ @ @ @ @ theoretical chemistry tasks .
”

MIT scientists have developed a machine-learning computer algorithm to identify new and more powerful molecules capable of killing so-called superbugs or bacteria that is resistant to common antibiotics. What do you think?
“This is going to put so many antibiotic discoverers out of work.” Rory Wooden • Stenographer’s Assistant
“It’s sad how we’ve become reliant on computers for even the simplest theoretical chemistry tasks.” Monte Fong • Food Stand Critic
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theonion--2020-02-24--Trump In India Hails Blossoming Relations Between The 2 Planets

AHMEDABAD , INDIA—Representing the United States during a diplomatic visit to India , President Donald Trump hailed the blossoming relations between the two planets during a rally Monday at the 110,000-seat Motera Stadium .
“ Although we may come from different worlds , and our civilizations are separated by millions of lightyears , the bonds we share are still incredibly powerful , ” said Trump , who marveled aloud at the strange vegetation and peculiar culture of the foreign planet , remarking to aides that the inhabitants of India were “ a lot like us , ” despite their extraterrestrial @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in my flying craft after a long journey at warp speed through multiple galaxies , your entire planet came out into the streets to welcome me as if I were a member of your own species .
That ’ s something I ’ ll never forget .
May our two countries continue to exist in interplanetary harmony , sending a message of peace to the rest of the universe.
” Trump later complimented Indian prime minister Narendra Modi ’ s efforts to combat the intergalactic Muslim threat that puts their shared star system @ @ @

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

AHMEDABAD, INDIA—Representing the United States during a diplomatic visit to India, President Donald Trump hailed the blossoming relations between the two planets during a rally Monday at the 110,000-seat Motera Stadium. “Although we may come from different worlds, and our civilizations are separated by millions of lightyears, the bonds we share are still incredibly powerful,” said Trump, who marveled aloud at the strange vegetation and peculiar culture of the foreign planet, remarking to aides that the inhabitants of India were “a lot like us,” despite their extraterrestrial origin. “When I landed here in my flying craft after a long journey at warp speed through multiple galaxies, your entire planet came out into the streets to welcome me as if I were a member of your own species. That’s something I’ll never forget. May our two countries continue to exist in interplanetary harmony, sending a message of peace to the rest of the universe.” Trump later complimented Indian prime minister Narendra Modi’s efforts to combat the intergalactic Muslim threat that puts their shared star system in danger.


theonion--2020-02-24--Federal Government Reinstitutes Practice Of Spanking Criminals As Punishment

Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments , making it @ @ @ @ @ ’ s most naughty felons to a good , hard spanking .
The Topical is @ @ @ @ @ the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the @ @ @ @ @ Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ @ @ @ @ @ send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Human rights activists are up in arms after the DOJ announced it would be resuming federal punishments, making it legal to sentence the country’s most naughty felons to a good, hard spanking.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-24--Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate

Embarrassed Heart Surgeon Admits He May Have Accidentally Left Sanders’ Medical Records In Candidate’s Chest

LAS VEGAS—Acknowledging the blunder following public pressure that his patient release the confidential documents , embarrassed heart surgeon Dr. Michael Sharrer admitted to reporters Monday that he may have accidentally left Bernie Sanders ’ medical records in the candidate ’ s chest .
“ Honestly , I just set them down for a second , and before I knew it he was all closed up , ” said Sharrer , who speculated that he must have misplaced the Vermont senator ’ s health records inside Sanders ’ thoracic cavity while performing the stent procedure with the scalpel in one hand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in October .
“ It was a manila folder filled with all kinds of test results and charts .
It probably got tucked behind the rib cage .
I really should have been more careful considering that was our only copy .
We could try an X-ray , but they might be difficult to read because they ’ re probably all bloody .
Man , we should really switch to digital records.
” At press time , Sanders ’ critics were calling upon the presidential candidate to cut open his chest to release @ @ @

LAS VEGAS—Acknowledging the blunder following public pressure that his patient release the confidential documents, embarrassed heart surgeon Dr. Michael Sharrer admitted to reporters Monday that he may have accidentally left Bernie Sanders’ medical records in the candidate’s chest. “Honestly, I just set them down for a second, and before I knew it he was all closed up,” said Sharrer, who speculated that he must have misplaced the Vermont senator’s health records inside Sanders’ thoracic cavity while performing the stent procedure with the scalpel in one hand and the files in the other back in October. “It was a manila folder filled with all kinds of test results and charts. It probably got tucked behind the rib cage. I really should have been more careful considering that was our only copy. We could try an X-ray, but they might be difficult to read because they’re probably all bloody. Man, we should really switch to digital records.” At press time, Sanders’ critics were calling upon the presidential candidate to cut open his chest to release the records.


Trump Visits India

President Trump departed Sunday for a two-day visit to India , where he will take part in a rally with @ @ @ @ @ visit the Taj Mahal , and attend a state banquet in Delhi .
What do @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t get it .
I s Trump for or against other countries ?
@ @ @ @ @ feeling so ambivalent to have such huge crowds that are full of foreigners .
”

President Trump departed Sunday for a two-day visit to India, where he will take part in a rally with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, visit the Taj Mahal, and attend a state banquet in Delhi. What do you think?
“I don’t get it. I s Trump for or against other countries?” Chet Brockman • Coupon Scanner
“Trump must be feeling so ambivalent to have such huge crowds that are full of foreigners.” Fritz Healey • Candelabra Restorer
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theonion--2020-02-24--Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu Abo

Desperate CDC Director Walks Down Hall Of Imprisoned Diseases For One-On-One Talk With Avian Flu About Stopping Coronavirus

ATLANTA—In an attempt to stay one step ahead of the dangerous new outbreak , Centers for Disease Control Director Robert Redfield reportedly walked down the hallway of a secure facility that houses captive diseases Friday in order to consult with avian influenza about how to stop the deadly coronavirus .
Striding past hardened infectious agents in a subterranean prison deep beneath CDC headquarters , the director appeared shaken as he endured the maniacal laughter of cholera and the blood-curdling screams of tuberculosis .
The CDC director reportedly withstood a series of menacing taunts from diphtheria , which was heard whispering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ itself inside Redfield ’ s cells .
According to reports , Redfield spoke through an intercom to address avian strain H5N1 , which is kept in solitary confinement in a hermetically sealed room .
In exchange for insight into how the new coronavirus might be planning to turn itself into a devastating worldwide pandemic , Redfield is believed to have offered the highly pathogenic flu accommodations in a larger , more comfortable vial , as well as special privileges that would allow it to spend part of the day in an open-air petri @ @ @ @ @ @ @ confirmed the facility had entered full lockdown after a guard discovered avian flu had seduced and killed the CDC director in order to escape .

ATLANTA—In an attempt to stay one step ahead of the dangerous new outbreak, Centers for Disease Control Director Robert Redfield reportedly walked down the hallway of a secure facility that houses captive diseases Friday in order to consult with avian influenza about how to stop the deadly coronavirus. Striding past hardened infectious agents in a subterranean prison deep beneath CDC headquarters, the director appeared shaken as he endured the maniacal laughter of cholera and the blood-curdling screams of tuberculosis. The CDC director reportedly withstood a series of menacing taunts from diphtheria, which was heard whispering sardonically about how quickly it could replicate itself inside Redfield’s cells. According to reports, Redfield spoke through an intercom to address avian strain H5N1, which is kept in solitary confinement in a hermetically sealed room. In exchange for insight into how the new coronavirus might be planning to turn itself into a devastating worldwide pandemic, Redfield is believed to have offered the highly pathogenic flu accommodations in a larger, more comfortable vial, as well as special privileges that would allow it to spend part of the day in an open-air petri dish. At press time, sources confirmed the facility had entered full lockdown after a guard discovered avian flu had seduced and killed the CDC director in order to escape.


theonion--2020-02-24--U.S. Unveils Plan For Rest Of World To Become Carbon-Neutral By 2030

WASHINGTON—Touting the measure as the most ambitious effort ever to tackle climate change on a global level , the United States unveiled a plan Monday for the rest of the world to become carbon-neutral by 2030 .
“ Climate change is a serious threat to American livelihoods , which is why we have taken the unprecedented step of announcing that every single other country besides the United States will reduce their carbon emissions to zero over the next 10 years , ” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo at a press conference unveiling the Washington Climate Agreement , which had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the world .
“ As the world ’ s superpower , we know that it is incumbent on us to lead the way in the effort to fight global warming , and it ’ s why we will stop at nothing to ensure that every country besides America ends its dependence on fossil fuels .
We commend our ambitious goals for other countries—France , for instance , is going carbon-neutral by 2022 , and we ’ re especially gratified to see that China , under the terms of this agreement , will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ carbon emissions , which will be able to go up dramatically under this agreement .
The Washington pact shows that if we Americans put our mind to it , there ’ s nothing we can ’ t compel other countries to do.
” U.S. officials added that the plan would likely cause significant issues and economic hardship in emerging economies , but under the terms of the agreement , they didn ’ t care .

WASHINGTON—Touting the measure as the most ambitious effort ever to tackle climate change on a global level, the United States unveiled a plan Monday for the rest of the world to become carbon-neutral by 2030. “Climate change is a serious threat to American livelihoods, which is why we have taken the unprecedented step of announcing that every single other country besides the United States will reduce their carbon emissions to zero over the next 10 years,” said Secretary of State Mike Pompeo at a press conference unveiling the Washington Climate Agreement, which had 194 forced signatories representing every other country in the world. “As the world’s superpower, we know that it is incumbent on us to lead the way in the effort to fight global warming, and it’s why we will stop at nothing to ensure that every country besides America ends its dependence on fossil fuels. We commend our ambitious goals for other countries—France, for instance, is going carbon-neutral by 2022, and we’re especially gratified to see that China, under the terms of this agreement, will involuntarily offset all of America’s carbon emissions, which will be able to go up dramatically under this agreement. The Washington pact shows that if we Americans put our mind to it, there’s nothing we can’t compel other countries to do.” U.S. officials added that the plan would likely cause significant issues and economic hardship in emerging economies, but under the terms of the agreement, they didn’t care.


theonion--2020-02-24--Smithsonian Museum Celebrates Black Alternate History Month With Full-Scale Recreation Of W.E.B. Du

Smithsonian Museum Celebrates Black Alternate History Month With Full-Scale Recreation Of W.E.B. Du Bois’ War Zeppelin

WASHINGTON—Declaring the armored lighter-than-air sky fortress a testament to African American achievement across parallel realities , the Smithsonian Museum celebrated Black Alternate History Month Monday with a full-scale recreation of The B.S.S .
Crisis , W.E.B .
Du Bois ’ war zeppelin .
“ Looking at this afro-futurist combat dirigible evokes images of W.E.B .
Du Bois , resplendent in his cybernetic eye patch and brass-trimmed top hat , bending his formidable will and intellect to drop hundreds of tons of dynamite on segregationist camps from the helm of the Crisis , ” said head researcher Lawrence Brumly , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ alongside several other artifacts including a walk-through interior model of the hoverbus which Robo Parks refused to ride atop ; Sally Jefferson-Hemmings bloodstained , steam-powered battle dress ; and the schematics of George Washington Carver ’ s peanut-based fission bomb , which allowed the United States of Black America to bring the Civil War to an end .
“ We are incredibly lucky to be able to display relics from the dream-realization chamber of Dr. MechaLuther King to the original manuscripts of Pope Malcolm X .
And allowing visitors to interact with , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ President Ray Charles on The Arsenio Hall Show really allows them to have a sense of the rich alternate history of black Americans.
” In the next year , the Smithsonian has planned exhibits allowing museum visitors to experience firsthand the difference advanced African American technology has made in this country since arriving in the portal from Mars .

WASHINGTON—Declaring the armored lighter-than-air sky fortress a testament to African American achievement across parallel realities, the Smithsonian Museum celebrated Black Alternate History Month Monday with a full-scale recreation of The B.S.S. Crisis, W.E.B. Du Bois’ war zeppelin. “Looking at this afro-futurist combat dirigible evokes images of W.E.B. Du Bois, resplendent in his cybernetic eye patch and brass-trimmed top hat, bending his formidable will and intellect to drop hundreds of tons of dynamite on segregationist camps from the helm of the Crisis,” said head researcher Lawrence Brumly, who unveiled the airship in its new home alongside several other artifacts including a walk-through interior model of the hoverbus which Robo Parks refused to ride atop; Sally Jefferson-Hemmings bloodstained, steam-powered battle dress; and the schematics of George Washington Carver’s peanut-based fission bomb, which allowed the United States of Black America to bring the Civil War to an end. “We are incredibly lucky to be able to display relics from the dream-realization chamber of Dr. MechaLuther King to the original manuscripts of Pope Malcolm X. And allowing visitors to interact with, for instance, the piano played by President Ray Charles on The Arsenio Hall Show really allows them to have a sense of the rich alternate history of black Americans.” In the next year, the Smithsonian has planned exhibits allowing museum visitors to experience firsthand the difference advanced African American technology has made in this country since arriving in the portal from Mars.


theonion--2020-02-24--Pathetic: This Gamer Who Got Shot 3 Times Went To A Hospital Instead Of Just Crouching Behind Cover

Pathetic: This Gamer Who Got Shot 3 Times Went To A Hospital Instead Of Just Crouching Behind Cover For 10 Seconds

Brace yourself , OGN readers , because we have some truly pathetic news about a man who has the gall to call himself a gamer !
According to police reports , Denver , CO resident and self-described gaming enthusiast Mitch Rudolph risked his life by going all the way to St. Joseph Hospital after getting shot three times instead of simply ducking behind cover for a few seconds and returning to full health .
Clearly , this guy hasn ’ t played a minute of Call Of Duty in the past decade .
Whether it ’ s Halo 3 or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ taught us that bullet wounds heal quickly and easily through the foolproof process of crouching behind a box or pillar for a few seconds until your health has time to recharge .
But , in brazen defiance of these lessons , Rudolph apparently dragged himself along the sidewalk while heavily bleeding before calling 911 and taking an ambulance all the way to a local hospital .
Now , in all fairness , Rudolph might have had some red streaks clouding his vision .
But if he had just leaned up against a car @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , this guy would have been back on his feet and entirely healthy in no time .
Instead , he spent thousands of dollars on emergency surgery , blood transplants , and weeks in a hospital room , and it sounds like he ’ ll still never recover the ability to walk !
We guess that is what you get when you so willfully ignore the teachings from Gears Of War .
If we give Rudolph the benefit of the doubt , maybe he ’ s an old-school gamer and thought the hospital @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to restore himself to full life .
But frankly , if this guy is so averse to enjoying recent classics like Modern Warfare , he deserves to spend the rest of his life paying off medical debt .
We here at OGN can only hope Mitch has learned his lesson and knows to have someone wheel his paralyzed body behind a cardboard crate next time anyone starts shooting at him !

Brace yourself, OGN readers, because we have some truly pathetic news about a man who has the gall to call himself a gamer! According to police reports, Denver, CO resident and self-described gaming enthusiast Mitch Rudolph risked his life by going all the way to St. Joseph Hospital after getting shot three times instead of simply ducking behind cover for a few seconds and returning to full health.
Clearly, this guy hasn’t played a minute of Call Of Duty in the past decade.
Whether it’s Halo 3 or Uncharted, recent gaming releases have consistently taught us that bullet wounds heal quickly and easily through the foolproof process of crouching behind a box or pillar for a few seconds until your health has time to recharge. But, in brazen defiance of these lessons, Rudolph apparently dragged himself along the sidewalk while heavily bleeding before calling 911 and taking an ambulance all the way to a local hospital.
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Now, in all fairness, Rudolph might have had some red streaks clouding his vision. But if he had just leaned up against a car and waited for his sight to clear, this guy would have been back on his feet and entirely healthy in no time. Instead, he spent thousands of dollars on emergency surgery, blood transplants, and weeks in a hospital room, and it sounds like he’ll still never recover the ability to walk!
We guess that is what you get when you so willfully ignore the teachings from Gears Of War.
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If we give Rudolph the benefit of the doubt, maybe he’s an old-school gamer and thought the hospital’s medkits were the only way to restore himself to full life. But frankly, if this guy is so averse to enjoying recent classics like Modern Warfare, he deserves to spend the rest of his life paying off medical debt. We here at OGN can only hope Mitch has learned his lesson and knows to have someone wheel his paralyzed body behind a cardboard crate next time anyone starts shooting at him!


theonion--2020-02-24--Concerned Baby Starting To Worry Lethargic, Distant Mom Not Suffering From Postpartum Depression At

Concerned Baby Starting To Worry Lethargic, Distant Mom Not Suffering From Postpartum Depression At All

SAN CARLOS , CA—Growing gradually more concerned that this was just his mother ’ s normal state , local infant Lucas Garrison reportedly had started to worry Monday that his lethargic , distant mom wasn ’ t suffering from postpartum depression at all .
“ Huh , that ’ s weird—I thought for sure that all the mood swings , insomnia , and crying would go away , but I guess this is somehow her actual personality , ” said the nervous 6-month-old , adding that while he was relieved his mother wasn ’ t suffering from a debilitating mental @ @ @ @ @ @ @ learn the distant look in her eyes and total inability to bond with him would actually be permanent .
“ At first , I told myself , okay , these baby blues will go away in no time .
But six months later , I can confidently say that there ’ s no treatment for this at all—she just hates me , herself , and everyone around her.
” At press time , Garrison ’ s mother told reporters she was growing more and more concerned that her crying , screaming child wasn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was an infant .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

SAN CARLOS, CA—Growing gradually more concerned that this was just his mother’s normal state, local infant Lucas Garrison reportedly had started to worry Monday that his lethargic, distant mom wasn’t suffering from postpartum depression at all. “Huh, that’s weird—I thought for sure that all the mood swings, insomnia, and crying would go away, but I guess this is somehow her actual personality,” said the nervous 6-month-old, adding that while he was relieved his mother wasn’t suffering from a debilitating mental illness, he was less thrilled to learn the distant look in her eyes and total inability to bond with him would actually be permanent. “At first, I told myself, okay, these baby blues will go away in no time. But six months later, I can confidently say that there’s no treatment for this at all—she just hates me, herself, and everyone around her.” At press time, Garrison’s mother told reporters she was growing more and more concerned that her crying, screaming child wasn’t just doing that because he was an infant.


theonion--2020-02-28--Child Doing Stations Of The Cross Reflects On Boredom Christ Must Have Felt During Crucifixion

GREENVILLE , OH—Reaching a more profound understanding of what martyrdom really meant , local 12-year-old Charlie Ward reportedly took a moment Friday while doing the stations of the cross to reflect on the boredom Jesus Christ must have felt during the crucifixion .
“ At first , I wasn ’ t really paying attention , but as I slowly worked my way through all 14 stations , I began to realize just how mind-numbingly dull it must have been for Jesus to be crucified , ” said Ward , confirming that the multi-part devotion had helped him comprehend Jesus ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ multiple times and encountering various people as he carried the heavy wooden cross .
“ It ’ s really moving to think that our Lord loves us so much that he was willing to shoulder this amount of insipid monotony .
I know I ’ m going to remember it every time I make it through another grueling church service or Sunday school lesson.
” At press time , Ward noted that finishing the stations of the cross had strengthened his resolve to do whatever he could to avoid the eternal torpor of @ @

GREENVILLE, OH—Reaching a more profound understanding of what martyrdom really meant, local 12-year-old Charlie Ward reportedly took a moment Friday while doing the stations of the cross to reflect on the boredom Jesus Christ must have felt during the crucifixion. “At first, I wasn’t really paying attention, but as I slowly worked my way through all 14 stations, I began to realize just how mind-numbingly dull it must have been for Jesus to be crucified,” said Ward, confirming that the multi-part devotion had helped him comprehend Jesus’s rote and tedious experience of falling multiple times and encountering various people as he carried the heavy wooden cross. “It’s really moving to think that our Lord loves us so much that he was willing to shoulder this amount of insipid monotony. I know I’m going to remember it every time I make it through another grueling church service or Sunday school lesson.” At press time, Ward noted that finishing the stations of the cross had strengthened his resolve to do whatever he could to avoid the eternal torpor of Hell.


theonion--2020-02-27--Scotland Set To Become First Country To Provide Free Menstrual Products To All Women

The Scottish Parliament approved legislation Tuesday to provide free tampons and pads in public spaces , a move which activists @ @ @ @ @ gender equality and reduce the financial burden of purchasing period products , which are taxed @ @ @ @ @ countries .
What do you think ?
“ Sorry , I get really squeamish whenever @ @ @ @ @ comes up.
” “ If a woman decides not to be pregnant , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ with the mess.
” “ I wonder how we ’ d handle this if menstruation @ @ @ @ @ ”

The Scottish Parliament approved legislation Tuesday to provide free tampons and pads in public spaces, a move which activists and lawmakers say will promote gender equality and reduce the financial burden of purchasing period products, which are taxed as luxury goods in many countries. What do you think?
“Sorry, I get really squeamish whenever the subject of government-provided benefits comes up.” Gus Yoon • Systems Analyst
“If a woman decides not to be pregnant, it’s her responsibility to deal with the mess.” Humberto Galloway • Political Appointee
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theonion--2020-02-27--‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic A

‘I’ll Show Those Pricks!’ Screams Mitt Romney Driving Busload Of Pregnant Women To Abortion Clinic After Being Disinvited To CPAC

SALT LAKE CITY—Following the formal public announcement that he was no longer invited to the annual Conservative Public Action Conference , Senator Mitt Romney ( R-UT ) reportedly screamed , “ I ’ ll show those pricks !
” Thursday while driving a busload of pregnant women to an abortion clinic .
“ They called me liberal , I ’ ll show them liberal—did you hear that , ladies , we ’ re all getting abortions !
” shouted Romney , who shifted the bus carrying 48 women into high gear before careening wildly into the clinic ’ s lot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spaces .
“ Out , out , everybody out !
Sheila , Jen , hush that crying .
I don ’ t care what term you ’ re on , I ’ ve got a score to settle .
Did you hear what those assholes did to me ?
Get whatever you want back there because everything ’ s on me !
” At press time , Romney had driven the bus to a nearby obstretician ’ s office and was waving a fistful of cash in the waiting room , offering $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ abortion .

SALT LAKE CITY—Following the formal public announcement that he was no longer invited to the annual Conservative Public Action Conference, Senator Mitt Romney (R-UT) reportedly screamed, “I’ll show those pricks!” Thursday while driving a busload of pregnant women to an abortion clinic. “They called me liberal, I’ll show them liberal—did you hear that, ladies, we’re all getting abortions!” shouted Romney, who shifted the bus carrying 48 women into high gear before careening wildly into the clinic’s lot and parking the vehicle diagonally across multiple spaces. “Out, out, everybody out! Sheila, Jen, hush that crying. I don’t care what term you’re on, I’ve got a score to settle. Did you hear what those assholes did to me? Get whatever you want back there because everything’s on me!” At press time, Romney had driven the bus to a nearby obstretician’s office and was waving a fistful of cash in the waiting room, offering $5,000 to anyone who would get an abortion.


theonion--2020-02-27--CBS Inks Deal For 30-Episode Bloomberg Ad

Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the @ @ @ @ @ ” The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in @ @ @ @ @ Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code @ @ @ @ @ will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , @ @ @ @ @ environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

Hear why CBS studio executives are calling the decision to order up a full series of long-form ads from the Bloomberg campaign a “no-brainer.”
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-27--‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Tr

‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Trump In 18 Months

WASHINGTON—As he bolted upright on the couch where he lay beneath a pile of empty Fig Newton wrappers Thursday , Vice President Mike Pence reportedly took his first phone call from President Trump in 18 months , mumbling , “ Whatavirus ?
” while he brushed crumbs off his bare stomach and chest .
“ No—I ’ m awake , I ’ m awake—was actually just in the middle of a big important meeting here , ” Pence said as he frantically rummaged in the couch cushions for the remote to mute the 700 Club rerun blaring from the television @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at Number One Observatory Circle .
“ Corona what now ?
And it ’ s some kind of plague going around ?
You bet , Mr. President , I ’ d be happy to help .
And this press conference at the White House—do I need to wear a suit ?
Ha , of course , of course .
Just kidding .
I ’ ll be there in—uh , shoot , I have a plate of pizza rolls in the microwave , but I tell you what , I ’ ll just take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , sources confirmed a disoriented Pence had been seen darting from room to room in search of a clean shirt before finally pulling a rumpled one from his hamper and sprinting out the door .

WASHINGTON—As he bolted upright on the couch where he lay beneath a pile of empty Fig Newton wrappers Thursday, Vice President Mike Pence reportedly took his first phone call from President Trump in 18 months, mumbling, “Whatavirus?” while he brushed crumbs off his bare stomach and chest. “No—I’m awake, I’m awake—was actually just in the middle of a big important meeting here,” Pence said as he frantically rummaged in the couch cushions for the remote to mute the 700 Club rerun blaring from the television in the den of his official residence at Number One Observatory Circle. “Corona what now? And it’s some kind of plague going around? You bet, Mr. President, I’d be happy to help. And this press conference at the White House—do I need to wear a suit? Ha, of course, of course. Just kidding. I’ll be there in—uh, shoot, I have a plate of pizza rolls in the microwave, but I tell you what, I’ll just take those to-go!” At press time, sources confirmed a disoriented Pence had been seen darting from room to room in search of a clean shirt before finally pulling a rumpled one from his hamper and sprinting out the door.


theonion--2020-02-27--Maria Sharapova Retires From Tennis

Maria Sharapova Retires From Tennis

Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova , 32 , is retiring after a 19-year career that included five Grand Slam titles @ @ @ @ @ and four years ranked as the Women ’ s Tennis Association ’ s number-one player @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I ’ ll always remember her for being one of the tennis players @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I can ’ t say I ’ m surprised , seeing as tennis @ @ @ @ @ ’ d expect her to retire from.
” “ Pretty pathetic to peak as one @ @ @ @ @ greatest athletes so early in life .
”

Russian tennis star Maria Sharapova, 32, is retiring after a 19-year career that included five Grand Slam titles, a silver Olympic medal and four years ranked as the Women’s Tennis Association’s number-one player. What do you think?
“I’ll always remember her for being one of the tennis players I’ve heard of.” Brady Condon • Heist Manager
“I can’t say I’m surprised, seeing as tennis is the exact thing I’d expect her to retire from.” Dwain Keefe • Hat Sizer
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theonion--2020-02-27--‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomber

‘I Like This Candidate Now And Will Vote For Him,’ Says Area Man After Having To Watch 12th Bloomberg Ad In Single Day

LEWISTON , ME—Announcing his newfound support for the former New York mayor , local Democratic voter Lucas Butterfield calmly stated , “ I like this candidate now and will vote for him , ” after seeing a Mike Bloomberg ad for the 12th time in a single day , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ The ninth ad didn ’ t really convince me , and I was on the fence for the 10th and 11th , but once I had seen my 12th commercial since waking up this morning , I suddenly realized Mike is the candidate for me , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he had initially opposed the former Republican ’ s candidacy , but after the day ’ s encounter with a dozen print , TV , radio , billboard , and autoplaying digital ads , it now seemed obvious to him that Bloomberg was “ the only man for the job.
” “ I like Mike .
Mike is my candidate of choice .
I will go to the polls and cast my ballot for Mike , and I will tell all my friends to vote for Mike too .
I support Mike Bloomberg @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can get it done.
” At press time , sources confirmed the man was speaking Bloomberg ’ s name over and over again with increasing urgency while he repeatedly walked into a wall .

LEWISTON, ME—Announcing his newfound support for the former New York mayor, local Democratic voter Lucas Butterfield calmly stated, “I like this candidate now and will vote for him,” after seeing a Mike Bloomberg ad for the 12th time in a single day, sources confirmed Thursday. “The ninth ad didn’t really convince me, and I was on the fence for the 10th and 11th, but once I had seen my 12th commercial since waking up this morning, I suddenly realized Mike is the candidate for me,” said Butterfield, who explained that he had initially opposed the former Republican’s candidacy, but after the day’s encounter with a dozen print, TV, radio, billboard, and autoplaying digital ads, it now seemed obvious to him that Bloomberg was “the only man for the job.” “I like Mike. Mike is my candidate of choice. I will go to the polls and cast my ballot for Mike, and I will tell all my friends to vote for Mike too. I support Mike Bloomberg for president in 2020. Only Mike can get it done.” At press time, sources confirmed the man was speaking Bloomberg’s name over and over again with increasing urgency while he repeatedly walked into a wall.


theonion--2020-02-27--Timberwolves Fire Clerk On Accounts Receivable Team In First Step Towards Turning Franchise Around

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that the franchise needed a complete overhaul if they wanted to compete , the Minnesota Timberwolves fired accounts receivable clerk Gary Nilson Thursday in the first big step towards turning the team around .
“ We want the fans to know we are serious about winning , and if we ’ re going to bring this team back to being a contender year after year , then it requires a total overall of the organization , which unfortunately starts with Gary , ” said Timberwolves president Gersson Rosas , who thanked Nilson for his dedication but explained that accounts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and the team was committed to doing everything it could to build a winning culture .
“ We know people have been disappointed in the team ’ s performance , none more than us , which is why we need to clear salary space like this and bring in some big up-and-coming accounting talent .
Whether it ’ s revamping the marketing department or even the custodial staff , this is going to be a complete franchise overhaul .
If people are not carrying their weight , then they are going to lose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Timberwolves GM Scott Layden had been given a $ 25 million extension for all his hard work .

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

MINNEAPOLIS—Admitting that the franchise needed a complete overhaul if they wanted to compete, the Minnesota Timberwolves fired accounts receivable clerk Gary Nilson Thursday in the first big step towards turning the team around. “We want the fans to know we are serious about winning, and if we’re going to bring this team back to being a contender year after year, then it requires a total overall of the organization, which unfortunately starts with Gary,” said Timberwolves president Gersson Rosas, who thanked Nilson for his dedication but explained that accounts receivable clerk was part of the past and the team was committed to doing everything it could to build a winning culture. “We know people have been disappointed in the team’s performance, none more than us, which is why we need to clear salary space like this and bring in some big up-and-coming accounting talent. Whether it’s revamping the marketing department or even the custodial staff, this is going to be a complete franchise overhaul. If people are not carrying their weight, then they are going to lose their job.” At press time, Timberwolves GM Scott Layden had been given a $25 million extension for all his hard work.


theonion--2020-02-27--Man Doesn’t Mind Long Commute Because It Gives Him Extra Time To Listen To Voice In Head Saying He C

Man Doesn’t Mind Long Commute Because It Gives Him Extra Time To Listen To Voice In Head Saying He Can’t Keep Living Like This

CONCORD , NH—Explaining that the 90-minute drive between his home and workplace had its advantages , area man Nicholas Wylie , 40 , told reporters Tuesday that he doesn ’ t mind his long commute because it gives him extra time to listen to the voice in his head saying he can ’ t keep living like this .
“ When I tell people I drive down to Boston every day for work , they always ask how I manage spending so much time in the car , but it actually gives me a nice chunk of time every day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ car and listen to my internal anxieties telling me that I ’ m wasting hours every day that I ’ ll never get back , ” said Wylie , a sales manager , adding that spending the last half-decade of his life in the car for at least three hours five days a week allowed him to catch up with tons of depressing existential inner monologues he might not have had time for otherwise .
“ Sometimes it ’ s annoying to get up early so I ’ m in the car by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the road I have a chance to listen to new concerns like what would my younger self say if he could see me now , or tune in to an old fear like needing to change how I live my life before it ’ s too late .
It ’ s especially helpful if there ’ s a lot going on at work , since the commute is the only chance I ’ ll have all day to listen to myself wondering why I drive 70 miles to and from a job @ @ @ @ @ @ @ miserable , and whether deciding to raise a family in a place so far from most available jobs was the stupidest decision of my life .
Once I get cruising , the worries really start to flow.
” Wylie added that while he considered taking an available bus to work , he drove because he enjoyed the freedom of being able to choose which of his darkest thoughts he would be trapped alone with for hours every day .

CONCORD, NH—Explaining that the 90-minute drive between his home and workplace had its advantages, area man Nicholas Wylie, 40, told reporters Tuesday that he doesn’t mind his long commute because it gives him extra time to listen to the voice in his head saying he can’t keep living like this. “When I tell people I drive down to Boston every day for work, they always ask how I manage spending so much time in the car, but it actually gives me a nice chunk of time every day where I can just sit in the car and listen to my internal anxieties telling me that I’m wasting hours every day that I’ll never get back,” said Wylie, a sales manager, adding that spending the last half-decade of his life in the car for at least three hours five days a week allowed him to catch up with tons of depressing existential inner monologues he might not have had time for otherwise. “Sometimes it’s annoying to get up early so I’m in the car by seven, but once I’m on the road I have a chance to listen to new concerns like what would my younger self say if he could see me now, or tune in to an old fear like needing to change how I live my life before it’s too late. It’s especially helpful if there’s a lot going on at work, since the commute is the only chance I’ll have all day to listen to myself wondering why I drive 70 miles to and from a job I fucking hate and that makes me miserable, and whether deciding to raise a family in a place so far from most available jobs was the stupidest decision of my life. Once I get cruising, the worries really start to flow.” Wylie added that while he considered taking an available bus to work, he drove because he enjoyed the freedom of being able to choose which of his darkest thoughts he would be trapped alone with for hours every day.


theonion--2020-02-27--‘No, Stop, Please,’ Shouts Woman As Hands Uncontrollably Google All Of Boyfriend’s Exes

ST. PAUL , MN—Wrestling to regain control as she browsed image after image of attractive , successful young women , local girlfriend Kristen Ferguson , 28 , repeatedly uttered the words “ No , stop , please ” Thursday as her hands uncontrollably Googled all of her boyfriend ’ s exes .
“ What ’ s happening , and why are you doing this to me ?
” Ferguson pleaded , as her hands , evidently compelled by impulses far beyond her control , typed “ Megan Simmons Ohio State Conde Nast Publishing ” into the search bar and opened @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Tumblr , and LinkedIn of her current boyfriend ’ s attractive red-headed former girlfriend into multiple tabs .
“ No .
No .
No , please , please stop clicking—we ’ re already back to 2014 , you monsters !
Ben looks so happy—please , close this window .
Is this from a photo booth ?
They ’ re ... they ’ re so ... cute together .
No , not the bikini picture !
I can ’ t take this .
Wait , are you commenting ?
Why would you leave a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
’ Why would you do that ?
Oh , God , please , I beg you to stop.
” At press time , Ferguson ’ s hands had turned their aggression to Ferguson herself , slapping her several times briskly across the face .

ST. PAUL, MN—Wrestling to regain control as she browsed image after image of attractive, successful young women, local girlfriend Kristen Ferguson, 28, repeatedly uttered the words “No, stop, please” Thursday as her hands uncontrollably Googled all of her boyfriend’s exes. “What’s happening, and why are you doing this to me?” Ferguson pleaded, as her hands, evidently compelled by impulses far beyond her control, typed “Megan Simmons Ohio State Conde Nast Publishing” into the search bar and opened the Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, Tumblr, and LinkedIn of her current boyfriend’s attractive red-headed former girlfriend into multiple tabs. “No. No. No, please, please stop clicking—we’re already back to 2014, you monsters! Ben looks so happy—please, close this window. Is this from a photo booth? They’re...they’re so... cute together. No, not the bikini picture! I can’t take this. Wait, are you commenting? Why would you leave a comment? Does that say ‘bitch?’ Why would you do that? Oh, God, please, I beg you to stop.” At press time, Ferguson’s hands had turned their aggression to Ferguson herself, slapping her several times briskly across the face.


theonion--2020-02-27--Candidates Struggle To Answer Question About Future Of Granite Countertops During HGTV Town Hall

CHARLESTON , SC—Clearly uncomfortable being asked to express their views on such a contentious issue , the 2020 Democratic presidential candidates struggled Wednesday to answer questions about the future of granite countertops during a series of HGTV town halls .
“ As president , what are you going to do to address the fact that wages are stagnating to the point where the vast majority of Americans can ’ t afford the granite countertops and backsplash tiles they desperately need to fix up their homes ?
” asked Jonathan Scott , who was moderating the HGTV town hall with his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ candidate Pete Buttigieg ’ s stammering response to note that a majority of voters doubted the former South Bend , IN mayor could effectively unify angry members of the nation ’ s polarized homeowners associations behind a common lawn care policy .
“ How do you plan to address the millions of Americans making do with laminate countertops , or who are forced to live in homes where there ’ s a lack of natural sunlight in the kitchen ?
Will you commit today to providing the support for all Americans to knock @ @ @ @ @ @ @ floor plan of their common areas ?
Many people out there are wondering whether their future will include a brick patio or detached deck , or whether they ’ ll ever even be able to live in a place that is perfect for entertaining .
How do you respond ?
” At press time , Senator Amy Klobuchar was being booed by the HGTV town hall audience after she doubled down on controversial previous statements criticizing crown molding .

CHARLESTON, SC—Clearly uncomfortable being asked to express their views on such a contentious issue, the 2020 Democratic presidential candidates struggled Wednesday to answer questions about the future of granite countertops during a series of HGTV town halls. “As president, what are you going to do to address the fact that wages are stagnating to the point where the vast majority of Americans can’t afford the granite countertops and backsplash tiles they desperately need to fix up their homes?” asked Jonathan Scott, who was moderating the HGTV town hall with his Property Brothers co-host Drew Scott, interrupting candidate Pete Buttigieg’s stammering response to note that a majority of voters doubted the former South Bend, IN mayor could effectively unify angry members of the nation’s polarized homeowners associations behind a common lawn care policy. “How do you plan to address the millions of Americans making do with laminate countertops, or who are forced to live in homes where there’s a lack of natural sunlight in the kitchen? Will you commit today to providing the support for all Americans to knock down a wall and open up the floor plan of their common areas? Many people out there are wondering whether their future will include a brick patio or detached deck, or whether they’ll ever even be able to live in a place that is perfect for entertaining. How do you respond?” At press time, Senator Amy Klobuchar was being booed by the HGTV town hall audience after she doubled down on controversial previous statements criticizing crown molding.


theonion--2020-02-26--‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

MILWAUKEE—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed five individuals , including himself , citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place .
“ This was a terrible tragedy , but sometimes these things just happen and there ’ s nothing anyone can do to stop them , ” said South Dakota resident Jason Murphy , echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations .
“ It ’ s a shame , but what can we do ?
There really wasn ’ t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that ’ s what they really wanted.
” At press time , residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were referring to themselves and their situation as “ helpless .
”

MILWAUKEE—In the hours following a violent rampage in Wisconsin in which a lone attacker killed five individuals, including himself, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place. “This was a terrible tragedy, but sometimes these things just happen and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop them,” said South Dakota resident Jason Murphy, echoing sentiments expressed by tens of millions of individuals who reside in a nation where over half of the world’s deadliest mass shootings have occurred in the past 50 years and whose citizens are 20 times more likely to die of gun violence than those of other developed nations. “It’s a shame, but what can we do? There really wasn’t anything that was going to keep this individual from snapping and killing a lot of people if that’s what they really wanted.” At press time, residents of the only economically advanced nation in the world where roughly two mass shootings have occurred every month for the past eight years were referring to themselves and their situation as “helpless.”


theonion--2020-02-26--CDC Warns Of U.S. Coronavirus Outbreak

CDC Warns Of U.S. Coronavirus Outbreak

The Centers for Disease Control is warning Americans to prepare for potential coronavirus outbreaks across the country , urging people @ @ @ @ @ measures ” such as closing schools and staying home from work in order to avoid @ @ @ @ @ infected 80,000 people and caused 2,600 deaths worldwide .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t one of those diseases that can spread from person to person , right @ @ @ @ @ really fallen so far that we have to import all of our new epidemics ?
@

The Centers for Disease Control is warning Americans to prepare for potential coronavirus outbreaks across the country, urging people to take “social distancing measures” such as closing schools and staying home from work in order to avoid spreading the virus that has infected 80,000 people and caused 2,600 deaths worldwide. What do you think?
“Tell me, this isn’t one of those diseases that can spread from person to person, right?” Randee Barden • BBQ Meat Shredder
“Has America really fallen so far that we have to import all of our new epidemics?” Dalton Henley • Countertop Sanitizer
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theonion--2020-02-26--Greatest Video Game Weapons Of All Time

Greatest Video Game Weapons Of All Time

Iconic video games are often defined by their unforgettable weapons .
Whether it ’ s the Leviathan Axe in God of War or Cloud ’ s Ultima Weapon in Final Fantasy VII , there ’ s something uniquely satisfying about getting your hands on a game ’ s definitive weapon and laying waste to enemies .
Here , then , are the greatest video game weapons of all time .
This power-up is not only famous for granting Mario the ability to shoot fireballs but also for the unskippable cutscene triggered every time it ’ s picked up where Mario @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smears them all over his body in a traditional Italian flame ceremony .
While the original Doom ’ s introduction of metal tubes that propel smaller chunks of metal with controlled explosions may have seemed novel at the time , the franchise ’ s signature weapons have since been copied by virtually every first-person shooter .
While never shown on screen , it was heavily hinted several times throughout the game that Banjo sent pox blankets to Gruntilda in order to weaken her legions and ultimately destroy her civilization .
The titular weapon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ With The Golden Gun was altered in the N64 classic to be capable of the unthinkable : killing a person with a single bullet .
This weapon represented a breakthrough in video game physics , allowing players to pick up and manipulate any object in the game except for all the ones it didn ’ t work on .
While a staple of many realistic shooters , this gun ’ s true utility is to our men and women in uniform out in the real world , helping them take down the forces @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like us .
And that ’ s what truly makes this one of the greatest weapons of our time .
Of all the retrievable weapons available in the racing game , the Lightning Bolt is the only one with the ability to make all other players in the room emit an audible groan simultaneously .
It doesn ’ t matter what game you ’ re playing .
As long as you ’ re having a good time with your friends , you can ’ t lose .

Iconic video games are often defined by their unforgettable weapons. Whether it’s the Leviathan Axe in God of War or Cloud’s Ultima Weapon in Final Fantasy VII, there’s something uniquely satisfying about getting your hands on a game’s definitive weapon and laying waste to enemies. Here, then, are the greatest video game weapons of all time.
Fire Flower (Super Mario Bros.):
This power-up is not only famous for granting Mario the ability to shoot fireballs but also for the unskippable cutscene triggered every time it’s picked up where Mario smashes its petals to a pulp and smears them all over his body in a traditional Italian flame ceremony.
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Guns (Doom):
While the original Doom’s introduction of metal tubes that propel smaller chunks of metal with controlled explosions may have seemed novel at the time, the franchise’s signature weapons have since been copied by virtually every first-person shooter.
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Pox Blankets (Banjo-Kazooie):
While never shown on screen, it was heavily hinted several times throughout the game that Banjo sent pox blankets to Gruntilda in order to weaken her legions and ultimately destroy her civilization.
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Golden Gun (GoldenEye 64):
The titular weapon from Ian Fleming’s The Man With The Golden Gun was altered in the N64 classic to be capable of the unthinkable: killing a person with a single bullet.
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Gravity Gun (Half-Life 2):
This weapon represented a breakthrough in video game physics, allowing players to pick up and manipulate any object in the game except for all the ones it didn’t work on.
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Fabrique Nationale M249 Squad Automatic Weapon (Counter-Strike and others):
While a staple of many realistic shooters, this gun’s true utility is to our men and women in uniform out in the real world, helping them take down the forces that threaten the security of everyday Americans like us. And that’s what truly makes this one of the greatest weapons of our time.
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Lighting Bolt (Mario Kart):
Of all the retrievable weapons available in the racing game, the Lightning Bolt is the only one with the ability to make all other players in the room emit an audible groan simultaneously.
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Friendship (Every Game):
It doesn’t matter what game you’re playing. As long as you’re having a good time with your friends, you can’t lose.


theonion--2020-02-26--CDC Warns Against Potential Health Risks Of Flavored Gun Barrels

It ’ s the hottest new trend among our nation ’ s teens , but could it be deadly ?
@ @ @ @ @ Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash @ @ @ @ @ or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will @ @ @ @ @ Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It’s the hottest new trend among our nation’s teens, but could it be deadly?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-26--Effects Of The #MeToo Movement

Effects Of The #MeToo Movement

The conviction of film producer Harvey Weinstein for a criminal sex act and rape has brought the spotlight back to @ @ @ @ @ hold powerful men accountable for their mistreatment of women .
The Onion looks at the @ @ @ @ @ # MeToo movement .
Young adults forced to start awkward conversations about consent with their @ @ @ @ @ less aware of how much prettier they look when they smile .
Women emboldened by @ @ @ @ @ powerful predator in lengthy , vicious court battle .
Police at least feel little bit @ @ @ @ @ rape kits .
Women working in hospitality , culinary , and manufacturing industries patiently wait @ @ @ @ @ .
Recognizing it was pretty strange how you shook three men ’ s hands , @ @ @ @ @ .
Legacy of The Nut Job 2 : Nutty By Nature tarnished forever by presence @ @ @ @ @

The conviction of film producer Harvey Weinstein for a criminal sex act and rape has brought the spotlight back to the #MeToo movement to hold powerful men accountable for their mistreatment of women. The Onion looks at the most significant effects of the #MeToo movement.
Workplaces theoretically safer places to be a woman.
Young adults forced to start awkward conversations about consent with their parents.
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Women becoming dangerously less aware of how much prettier they look when they smile.
Thousands of billable hours for defense lawyers.
Women emboldened by option of being smeared by powerful predator in lengthy, vicious court battle.
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Police at least feel little bit guilty about all the untested rape kits.
Women working in hospitality, culinary, and manufacturing industries patiently wait turn for Vanity Fair cover.
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Recognizing it was pretty strange how you shook three men’s hands, but gave Karen a hug.
Legacy of The Nut Job 2: Nutty By Nature tarnished forever by presence of Weinstein Company logo.


theonion--2020-02-26--Iran’s Deputy Health Minister Announces He Has Coronavirus And Also Hemorrhoids But That’s A Separat

Iran’s Deputy Health Minister Announces He Has Coronavirus And Also Hemorrhoids But That’s A Separate Thing That He Will Deal With On His Own

TEHRAN—While addressing the recent spread of the disease in the Islamic Republic , Iran ’ s deputy health minister Iraj Harirchi announced at a press conference Wednesday that he has coronavirus and also hemorrhoids , but that ’ s a separate thing that he will deal with on his own .
“ I recently got tested and can officially confirm that I have been infected with Covid-19 , also known as coronavirus , and , in addition to that , I have swollen and inflamed veins in my lower rectum , commonly known as hemorrhoids , although that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ manage privately , ” said Harirchi in an announcement on state television , adding that he would be isolating himself and making sure he undergoes proper treatment for the respiratory illness while also applying a topical ointment on his anus and eating high-fiber foods .
“ Everyone should make sure to exercise proper hygiene to prevent the outbreak from spreading any further , but don ’ t worry about my hemorrhoids spreading , since they ’ re not contagious or anything .
So , yeah , just focus on the coronavirus thing , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ really important .
We believe the disease originated in Wuhan , China , and I am almost certain that my hemorrhoids most likely originated from my straining , because I ’ ve been on the toilet so much due to my IBS , although now that I think about it , you probably don ’ t need to be hearing about that so just forget it.
” At press time , the press conference hit the 120 minute mark as Harirchi became distracted talking about a rash on his groin and his erectile @ @ @ @ @ @ @ government strategy for combating the virus .

TEHRAN—While addressing the recent spread of the disease in the Islamic Republic, Iran’s deputy health minister Iraj Harirchi announced at a press conference Wednesday that he has coronavirus and also hemorrhoids, but that’s a separate thing that he will deal with on his own. “I recently got tested and can officially confirm that I have been infected with Covid-19, also known as coronavirus, and, in addition to that, I have swollen and inflamed veins in my lower rectum, commonly known as hemorrhoids, although that’s a personal health issue that I will manage privately,” said Harirchi in an announcement on state television, adding that he would be isolating himself and making sure he undergoes proper treatment for the respiratory illness while also applying a topical ointment on his anus and eating high-fiber foods. “Everyone should make sure to exercise proper hygiene to prevent the outbreak from spreading any further, but don’t worry about my hemorrhoids spreading, since they’re not contagious or anything. So, yeah, just focus on the coronavirus thing, because that’s what’s really important. We believe the disease originated in Wuhan, China, and I am almost certain that my hemorrhoids most likely originated from my straining, because I’ve been on the toilet so much due to my IBS, although now that I think about it, you probably don’t need to be hearing about that so just forget it.” At press time, the press conference hit the 120 minute mark as Harirchi became distracted talking about a rash on his groin and his erectile dysfunction problems while trying to outline the government strategy for combating the virus.


theonion--2020-02-26--Actor Hank Azaria To Stop Voicing Apu On ‘The Simpsons’

Hank Azaria , who has played dozens of Simpsons ’ characters over the show ’ s 30-year history , announced @ @ @ @ @ voice Kwik-E-Mart owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon , saying outcry from critics who feel the Indian immigrant @ @ @ @ @ his eyes to the issue .
What do you think ?
“ Of course he @ @ @ @ @ that 15 years after the show went off the air.
” “ I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ impersonating Apu to harass my Indian classmates finally helped Hank see the light.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ political correctness , but it ’ s going too far when you can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ nothing about .
”

Hank Azaria, who has played dozens of Simpsons’ characters over the show’s 30-year history, announced that he will no longer voice Kwik-E-Mart owner Apu Nahasapeemapetilon, saying outcry from critics who feel the Indian immigrant is a bigoted stereotype opened his eyes to the issue. What do you think?
“Of course he’d wait to say that 15 years after the show went off the air.” Lauryn Martel • Overhead Projector Designer
“I’m proud that my years of impersonating Apu to harass my Indian classmates finally helped Hank see the light.” Norris Mercer • Corn Shucker
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theonion--2020-02-26--Sanders Supporter Sick Of Movement Being Defined By Small Number Of Toxic Members Like Him

DENVER , CO—Stressing that his angry rants and unhinged perceptions of the world in no way represented the Vermont senator ’ s broad coalition of supporters , 27-year-old Adam Patterson told reporters Wednesday that he was sick and tired of the Sanders movement being defined by a small number of toxic members like himself .
“ Honestly , I ’ m just fed up with the mainstream media taking a tiny sample of aggressive and borderline unhinged Bernie supporters like me and suggesting that we somehow represent the millions of completely normal Bernie voters out there , ” said Patterson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he insisted anyone who slightly critiqued Sanders or his plans was a neoliberal shill , white supremacist , or supporter of war criminals did not at all reflect Sanders ’ largely issues-oriented campaign .
“ Look , clearly I ’ m a lunatic who has lost all touch with reality or historical context .
I mean , I ’ ve repeatedly argued I ’ d rather live in Venezuela under Nicolas Maduro than the totalitarian state of America .
That ’ s crazy .
And , frankly , I ’ m sure if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ women they were fucking corporatist bitches for supporting Warren , he would condemn it , because it distracts from his generally positive message .
But I ’ m just one person .
Should the media get to cast all Bernie supporters in a negative light just because of a few complete and utter assholes like me ?
” At press time , Patterson had decided that the best solution to the mischaracterization was to tell a female journalist who wrote about Bernie Sanders ’ history of praising left-wing dictatorships to get ovarian cancer @ @ @

DENVER, CO—Stressing that his angry rants and unhinged perceptions of the world in no way represented the Vermont senator’s broad coalition of supporters, 27-year-old Adam Patterson told reporters Wednesday that he was sick and tired of the Sanders movement being defined by a small number of toxic members like himself. “Honestly, I’m just fed up with the mainstream media taking a tiny sample of aggressive and borderline unhinged Bernie supporters like me and suggesting that we somehow represent the millions of completely normal Bernie voters out there,” said Patterson, stressing that the condescending way that he insisted anyone who slightly critiqued Sanders or his plans was a neoliberal shill, white supremacist, or supporter of war criminals did not at all reflect Sanders’ largely issues-oriented campaign. “Look, clearly I’m a lunatic who has lost all touch with reality or historical context. I mean, I’ve repeatedly argued I’d rather live in Venezuela under Nicolas Maduro than the totalitarian state of America. That’s crazy. And, frankly, I’m sure if Bernie saw me going online and telling women they were fucking corporatist bitches for supporting Warren, he would condemn it, because it distracts from his generally positive message. But I’m just one person. Should the media get to cast all Bernie supporters in a negative light just because of a few complete and utter assholes like me?” At press time, Patterson had decided that the best solution to the mischaracterization was to tell a female journalist who wrote about Bernie Sanders’ history of praising left-wing dictatorships to get ovarian cancer and die.


theonion--2020-02-28--Olympic Committee Announces Tokyo Games Will Still Go On As Planned Because True Athletes Embrace Ev

Olympic Committee Announces Tokyo Games Will Still Go On As Planned Because True Athletes Embrace Every Obstacle That Comes Their Way

LAUSANNE , SWITZERLAND—In an effort to quell cancellation rumors amidst coronavirus concerns , the International Olympic Committee announced Friday the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo would go on as planned because true athletes always challenge themselves , welcoming every obstacle they counter .
“ At its core , being an athlete is all about overcoming adversity , and we can ’ t think of anything that better embodies the Olympic spirit than making top athletes from around the world brave the threat of a deadly global pandemic in order to compete , ” said IOC president Thomas Bach , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than Olympic athletes testing their personal limits while they push through the symptoms of a highly contagious virus as it attacks their lungs .
“ When the going gets tough—right when you think you ’ ll be counted out because an unpreventable , untreatable respiratory disease is spreading both across the planet and inside your own body—that ’ s when Olympians shine brightest .
Perhaps this year we ’ ll see our athletes persevering like never before as they struggle simply to catch their next breath.
” Bach went on to state that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tickets for this year ’ s Summer Olympics unless they are fair-weather fans who have lost all faith in the ability of the human spirit to triumph in the face of difficulty .

LAUSANNE, SWITZERLAND—In an effort to quell cancellation rumors amidst coronavirus concerns, the International Olympic Committee announced Friday the 2020 Summer Games in Tokyo would go on as planned because true athletes always challenge themselves, welcoming every obstacle they counter. “At its core, being an athlete is all about overcoming adversity, and we can’t think of anything that better embodies the Olympic spirit than making top athletes from around the world brave the threat of a deadly global pandemic in order to compete,” said IOC president Thomas Bach, who emphasized there was no feat more inspiring than Olympic athletes testing their personal limits while they push through the symptoms of a highly contagious virus as it attacks their lungs. “When the going gets tough—right when you think you’ll be counted out because an unpreventable, untreatable respiratory disease is spreading both across the planet and inside your own body—that’s when Olympians shine brightest. Perhaps this year we’ll see our athletes persevering like never before as they struggle simply to catch their next breath.” Bach went on to state that spectators should not cancel plans to purchase tickets for this year’s Summer Olympics unless they are fair-weather fans who have lost all faith in the ability of the human spirit to triumph in the face of difficulty.


theonion--2020-02-28--Pentagon Awards Oscar Mayer $102 Million Contract For New Military-Grade Hot Dog

This puppy ’ s got all the fixins , too .
We ’ re talking mustard , relish , even @ @ @ @ @ this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another @ @ @ @ @ ?
This puppy ’ s got all the fixins , too .
We ’ re @ @ @ @ @ even hot peppers .
But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat @ @ @ @ @ another classic example of government waste ?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

This puppy’s got all the fixins, too. We’re talking mustard, relish, even hot peppers. But will this all-beef dog be the most advanced encased meat on the battlefield or just another classic example of government waste?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-28--Man Annoyed He No Longer Even Able To Go To Wuhan To Eat Bats Without Mom Freaking Out

JACKSONVILLE , FL—Acknowledging his frustration about his overprotective parent , area man Mark Folta told reporters Friday that he couldn ’ t even go to Wuhan to eat bats anymore without his mom completely freaking out .
“ I ’ ve tried to explain to her that this is something I have done dozens upon dozens of times before without any issue , but she ’ s in a full-fledged panic because of something she saw on the news , ” said Folta , confirming his aggravation that even something as simple as wandering through the wet markets of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lead his irrational mother to “ blow a gasket.
” “ No matter how many times I explain that people eat hundreds of bats every day and are completely fine , or that I ’ m going to a completely different part of the city from where the virus originated , it doesn ’ t make a difference .
It ’ s like , I understand that there are risks involved with feasting on uncooked bat served without any sort of health regulations , but you take a risk when you get out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
She just doesn ’ t seem to understand that I ’ m an adult and I can make my own decisions.
” Folta added that his mom ’ s anxiety was so severe that he had not even told her about his upcoming cruise to Japan aboard the Diamond Princess .

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Acknowledging his frustration about his overprotective parent, area man Mark Folta told reporters Friday that he couldn’t even go to Wuhan to eat bats anymore without his mom completely freaking out. “I’ve tried to explain to her that this is something I have done dozens upon dozens of times before without any issue, but she’s in a full-fledged panic because of something she saw on the news,” said Folta, confirming his aggravation that even something as simple as wandering through the wet markets of the central Chinese capital sampling horseshoe bats would lead his irrational mother to “blow a gasket.” “No matter how many times I explain that people eat hundreds of bats every day and are completely fine, or that I’m going to a completely different part of the city from where the virus originated, it doesn’t make a difference. It’s like, I understand that there are risks involved with feasting on uncooked bat served without any sort of health regulations, but you take a risk when you get out of bed every morning, you know? She just doesn’t seem to understand that I’m an adult and I can make my own decisions.” Folta added that his mom’s anxiety was so severe that he had not even told her about his upcoming cruise to Japan aboard the Diamond Princess.


theonion--2020-02-28--NFL Draft Prospect Sets Combine Record By Scrubbing Entire Social Media Presence In 17.64 Seconds

INDIANAPOLIS—Stunning scouts as he effortlessly cleared out years ’ worth of troubling posts while barely breaking a sweat , top @ @ @ @ @ set a combine record Friday by scrubbing his entire social media presence in 17.64 seconds @ @ @ @ @ never seen anything like this , everything from his thoughts on women to offensive Halloween @ @ @ @ @ seconds , ” said Jets scout Mike Cenzo , who noted that the social media @ @ @ @ @ most essential measurements of professional potential that the NFL combine offers .
“ He was @ @ @ @ @ expunging racial slurs and pictures of him doing drugs like it was second nature to @ @ @ @ @ 20 draft spots when he was able to clean out all those dick pics he @ @ @ @ @ first five seconds .
There is no doubt that this guy has what it takes @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , DeLuca had dropped back down the draft board after posting @ @ @ @ @ the domestic abuse denial run .

INDIANAPOLIS—Stunning scouts as he effortlessly cleared out years’ worth of troubling posts while barely breaking a sweat, top NFL draft prospect T.J. DeLuca set a combine record Friday by scrubbing his entire social media presence in 17.64 seconds. “I’ve never seen anything like this, everything from his thoughts on women to offensive Halloween costumes were wiped out in seconds,” said Jets scout Mike Cenzo, who noted that the social media purge is one of the most essential measurements of professional potential that the NFL combine offers. “He was absolutely flying through Twitter, expunging racial slurs and pictures of him doing drugs like it was second nature to him. He probably jumped 20 draft spots when he was able to clean out all those dick pics he sent to women in the first five seconds. There is no doubt that this guy has what it takes to succeed in the NFL.” At press time, DeLuca had dropped back down the draft board after posting a mediocre eight stumbles during the domestic abuse denial run.


theonion--2020-02-28--Marine Corps Orders Removal Of Confederate Symbols From All Bases

Marine Corps Commandant Gen. David Berger has ordered that Confederate pharenphanlia be removed from all Marine installations worldwide , a @ @ @ @ @ time when 36 % of active-duty service members say they have witnessed examples of white @ @ @ @ @ within their ranks .
What do you think ?
“ I think our military should @ @ @ @ @ heritage of terrorizing minorities.
” “ This is going to discourage a lot of people @ @ @ @ @ Confederacy.
” “ Look , no one signs up for the Marines to follow a @ @ @ @ @ ”

Marine Corps Commandant Gen. David Berger has ordered that Confederate paraphernalia be removed from all Marine installations worldwide, a move that comes at a time when 36% of active-duty service members say they have witnessed examples of white nationalism and other racist ideology within their ranks. What do you think?
“I think our military should be allowed to honor their heritage of terrorizing minorities.” Analisa Mount • Microscope Wholesaler
“This is going to discourage a lot of people from enlisting to serve the Confederacy.” Cristobal Norfleet • Cruise Ship Salesman
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theonion--2020-02-28--Warren Tells Supporters To Cut That Pinterest Shit Out, This Is Serious

CAMBRIDGE , MA—Fed-up presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren publicly told her supporters Friday to “ Cut that Pinterest shit out , ” reminding them that her candidacy was a serious bid to become “ the commander in chief of the goddamn United States and should be treated as such.
” “ I ’ m running a legitimate campaign for the highest fucking office in the nation , carrying on the legacy of brave historical women who stood up to oppression and spoke truth to power , I ’ m not an excuse for you to create a lame-ass ‘ TeamWarren ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Massachusetts senator sternly , adding that she was an “ actual human woman with legislative experience , not an adult Hermione motherfucking Granger.
” “ Oh , you stitched ‘ Nevertheless she persisted ’ onto another damn pillow for your Instagram ?
Cute .
By the way , have you ever heard of canvassing , or is the ‘ pussy hat ’ you wasted crucial primary outreach hours crocheting too snug around your ears ?
And , while we ’ re on this , where are the profits from that deluge of enamel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ campaign , last I checked.
” At press time , Warren had punched through the glass of a framed poster featuring her head photoshopped onto Wonder Woman ’ s body that her “ so-called supporters ” had mailed to her campaign headquarters .

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Fed-up presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren publicly told her supporters Friday to “Cut that Pinterest shit out,” reminding them that her candidacy was a serious bid to become “the commander in chief of the goddamn United States and should be treated as such.” “I’m running a legitimate campaign for the highest fucking office in the nation, carrying on the legacy of brave historical women who stood up to oppression and spoke truth to power, I’m not an excuse for you to create a lame-ass ‘TeamWarren’-branded Etsy account,” said the Massachusetts senator sternly, adding that she was an “actual human woman with legislative experience, not an adult Hermione motherfucking Granger.” “Oh, you stitched ‘Nevertheless she persisted’ onto another damn pillow for your Instagram? Cute. By the way, have you ever heard of canvassing, or is the ‘pussy hat’ you wasted crucial primary outreach hours crocheting too snug around your ears? And, while we’re on this, where are the profits from that deluge of enamel pins going? Certainly not to my campaign, last I checked.” At press time, Warren had punched through the glass of a framed poster featuring her head photoshopped onto Wonder Woman’s body that her “so-called supporters” had mailed to her campaign headquarters.


theonion--2020-02-28--Obama Kind Of Hurt No One’s Even Asked For His Endorsement

WASHINGTON—Noting that he would happily lend his support to any candidate who just requested it , former President Barack Obama told reporters Friday he was kind of hurt no one in the 2020 Democratic field has even asked for his endorsement .
“ Look , I don ’ t want to toot my own horn here , but I ’ m a two-term president with significant pull among Democratic voters and I can ’ t help but feel a little bummed that no campaign has even raised the question of whether I ’ d consider endorsing them , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he would happily express his full-throated approval for Amy Klobuchar , Elizabeth Warren , Bernie Sanders or any of the race ’ s other candidates if they had even so much as broached the topic with him during recent in-person conversations , email chains , and phone calls .
“ Especially Joe .
I mean , I worked with the guy for eight years , and he hasn ’ t even reached out to test the waters .
I ’ m not trying to overstate my significance , but it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what he did as vice president could really change the way this race shakes out , right ?
I mean , what the hell ?
I feel like a forgotten man over here.
” At press time , the former president had sighed and started drafting an enthusiastic endorsement of Tulsi Gabbard after receiving a request from one of the representative ’ s assistants .

WASHINGTON—Noting that he would happily lend his support to any candidate who just requested it, former President Barack Obama told reporters Friday he was kind of hurt no one in the 2020 Democratic field has even asked for his endorsement. “Look, I don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I’m a two-term president with significant pull among Democratic voters and I can’t help but feel a little bummed that no campaign has even raised the question of whether I’d consider endorsing them,” said the 44th commander in chief, stressing that he would happily express his full-throated approval for Amy Klobuchar, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders or any of the race’s other candidates if they had even so much as broached the topic with him during recent in-person conversations, email chains, and phone calls. “Especially Joe. I mean, I worked with the guy for eight years, and he hasn’t even reached out to test the waters. I’m not trying to overstate my significance, but it’s not crazy to think my vouching for what he did as vice president could really change the way this race shakes out, right? I mean, what the hell? I feel like a forgotten man over here.” At press time, the former president had sighed and started drafting an enthusiastic endorsement of Tulsi Gabbard after receiving a request from one of the representative’s assistants.