theonion--2020-03-20--8 Unlikely Animal Friendships

8 Unlikely Animal Friendships

Neither of these two really got along with one another when they started off as rival junior associates at their @ @ @ @ @ hedgehog got blindsided by this complicated will he was supposed to draw up for an @ @ @ @ @ in paperwork .
The grey squirrel was eventually assigned to lend a hand because he @ @ @ @ @ estate litigation during his second year at Cardozo , and they ended up working a @ @ @ @ @ A friendship started to form , and now , years later , they have their @ @ @ @ @ the squirrel took the hedgehog to the doctor when his arm got hurt .

Neither of these two really got along with one another when they started off as rival junior associates at their law firm. Then the hedgehog got blindsided by this complicated will he was supposed to draw up for an important client and was drowning in paperwork. The grey squirrel was eventually assigned to lend a hand because he had taken a clinic on estate litigation during his second year at Cardozo, and they ended up working a lot of late nights. A friendship started to form, and now, years later, they have their own practice. Also, the squirrel took the hedgehog to the doctor when his arm got hurt.


theonion--2020-03-20--‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Developers Confirm No One Can Hurt You Here, No One Can Make You Sca

‘Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Developers Confirm No One Can Hurt You Here, No One Can Make You Scared

The long wait is over Animal Crossing fans !
It ’ s been over a decade since a true mainline franchise has hit a Nintendo console , but today New Horizons is finally rolling out on the Switch .
And if that wasn ’ t exciting enough news , the developers also used the release to confirm one amazing new detail about the game ’ s world—that nobody can hurt you here and no one can make you scared , and there is nothing but boundless warmth and peace awaiting you once you press play !
We can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ We know Animal Crossing ’ s fans have been waiting patiently , but today , we can finally tell you that it ’ s all okay .
Here , you are safe , and here , you are loved , ” said director Aya Kyogoku in a video announcement , in which she spoke in a soft and welcoming tone as she held her arms open to all who wished to have their worries vanish into the abundant kindness all around them within New Horizons .
“ Let the problems of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Isabelle , and all your friends are here waiting for you.
” “ Come on in , ” she added .
“ The water ’ s just fine.
” Welp , gamers , this is great news , isn ’ t it ?
Knowing that you can just spend your time building a nice little house on a nice little island , that all the pain is gone , that this is a safe , special place .
We think that is a pretty nifty new game feature .
Kyogoku continued to note @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Just joy and companionship—No mean coworkers and bosses , no anxieties and self-doubt about your personal life .
Here you are accepted solely for who you are .
Let all your problems melt away in the warm embrace of Animal Crossing.
” So , there is your marching order , readers !
If you ’ re looking for a place where love for you knows no bounds and nothing bad can ever touch you , go pick up a copy of New Horizons .
It ’ s out today !

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

The long wait is over Animal Crossing fans! It’s been over a decade since a true mainline franchise has hit a Nintendo console, but today New Horizons is finally rolling out on the Switch. And if that wasn’t exciting enough news, the developers also used the release to confirm one amazing new detail about the game’s world—that nobody can hurt you here and no one can make you scared, and there is nothing but boundless warmth and peace awaiting you once you press play!
We can’t wait to pick up our copy.
“We know Animal Crossing’s fans have been waiting patiently, but today, we can finally tell you that it’s all okay. Here, you are safe, and here, you are loved,” said director Aya Kyogoku in a video announcement, in which she spoke in a soft and welcoming tone as she held her arms open to all who wished to have their worries vanish into the abundant kindness all around them within New Horizons. “Let the problems of the world drift away. Tom Nook, Isabelle, and all your friends are here waiting for you.”
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“Come on in,” she added. “The water’s just fine.”
Welp, gamers, this is great news, isn’t it? Knowing that you can just spend your time building a nice little house on a nice little island, that all the pain is gone, that this is a safe, special place. We think that is a pretty nifty new game feature.
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Kyogoku continued to note: “There are no tears here. Just joy and companionship—No mean coworkers and bosses, no anxieties and self-doubt about your personal life. Here you are accepted solely for who you are. Let all your problems melt away in the warm embrace of Animal Crossing.”
So, there is your marching order, readers! If you’re looking for a place where love for you knows no bounds and nothing bad can ever touch you, go pick up a copy of New Horizons. It’s out today!


theonion--2020-03-23--GOP Urges End Of Quarantine For Lifeless Bipedal Automatons That Make Economy Go

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19 , economic advisor Larry Kudlow @ @ @ @ @ in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy @ @ @ @ @ ’ t allow this virus to completely upend American life , so we are recommending @ @ @ @ @ return to powering the country as soon as possible , ” said Kudlow , noting @ @ @ @ @ facsimiles needed to return to their primary function of lifting GDP and improving the stock @ @ @ @ @ this group of insentient golems to be relatively low-risk due to their lack of a @ @ @ @ @ now , they ’ re just gathering dust being stuck in their storage containers .
@ @ @ @ @ to recommend extreme caution and social distancing for any actual humans who may come into @ @ @ @ @ unfeeling entities.
” Ludlow added that to be extra cautious , any automatons who felt @ @ @ @ @ the next two to three weeks .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

WASHINGTON—In an effort to contain the disastrous financial fallout resulting from the spread of Covid-19, economic advisor Larry Kudlow joined numerous GOP leaders Monday in urging an end of self-quarantine for the lifeless bipedal automatons that make the economy go. “We can’t allow this virus to completely upend American life, so we are recommending that these soulless humanoid contraptions return to powering the country as soon as possible,” said Kudlow, noting that the upright, unthinking facsimiles needed to return to their primary function of lifting GDP and improving the stock market. “We believe this group of insentient golems to be relatively low-risk due to their lack of a respiratory system, and right now, they’re just gathering dust being stuck in their storage containers. Of course, we continue to recommend extreme caution and social distancing for any actual humans who may come into contact with these unthinking, unfeeling entities.” Ludlow added that to be extra cautious, any automatons who felt unwell should power down for the next two to three weeks.


theonion--2020-03-23--God Possesses Pope Francis’s Body, Spins Head Around In Miraculous Sunday Mass

The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Basilica .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 @ @ @ @ @ store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use @ @ @ @ @ !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 @ @ @ @ @ dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

The Creator of Heaven and Earth spoke directly to his followers yesterday by forcing Pope Francis to crab walk on the ceiling of St. Peter’s Basilica.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-23--Restless Trump Can’t Believe He Stuck Inside With Nothing To Do But Be President

WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic , a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn ’ t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president .
“ Jesus Christ , I ’ m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in chief , ” said Trump as he puttered around the Oval Office before splaying himself face-down across the Resolute desk .
“ Ugh , I had all these plans for real things I was going to do this month , but now all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from holding the highest office in the country .
I actually read part of a report the other day—that ’ s how little I have to do right now .
This sucks .
I just want to cruise around in Air Force One , golf at Mar-A-Lago , or hold a big rally like I did when I had real work–life balance .
I really did .
Now my routines are completely blown to hell .
How do they expect me to be restricted to this cramped 50,000-square-foot house all day ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a motorcade vehicle and honking the horn until someone took him someplace fun .

WASHINGTON— Expressing frustration with the social-isolation measures in place amid the novel Covid-19 pandemic, a restless Donald Trump confirmed Monday that he couldn’t believe he was stuck inside with nothing to do except be president. “Jesus Christ, I’m so goddamn bored of sitting around all day being commander in chief,” said Trump as he puttered around the Oval Office before splaying himself face-down across the Resolute desk. “Ugh, I had all these plans for real things I was going to do this month, but now all I have is this stupid administrative stuff from holding the highest office in the country. I actually read part of a report the other day—that’s how little I have to do right now. This sucks. I just want to cruise around in Air Force One, golf at Mar-A-Lago, or hold a big rally like I did when I had real work–life balance. I really did. Now my routines are completely blown to hell. How do they expect me to be restricted to this cramped 50,000-square-foot house all day?” At press time, Trump was sitting in a motorcade vehicle and honking the horn until someone took him someplace fun.


theonion--2020-03-23--Coronavirus Forces Landlord To Cut Back On Taking Care Of Building From 1 To 0 Hours A Week

CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he ’ d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice , local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week .
“ Based on the city ’ s most recent shelter-in-place orders , I ’ m guessing it could be months until I can pop in at strange hours , bang on broken radiators and sinks , and then say that I don ’ t have the part to fix it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can do , ” said Jacobson , adding that while he wanted to help his renters , he didn ’ t want to risk their safety just to spend 20 minutes milling around and leaving a mess of drywall dust and loose nails all over the floor .
“ It ’ s unfortunate , but for the next few months , I will not be able to stop by and post signs above the laundry machine that says ‘ broken : do not use , ’ or send mass texts in all caps @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out food because it attracts rats .
Also , until further notice , I am reducing the hours of my pest control specialist , my plumber , as well as my large son whom I frequently cuss out in the building ’ s shared spaces.
” At press time , Jacobson added that despite the current public health crisis , he would work his hardest to ensure that rent collection and evictions would continue operating without interruptions .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

CHICAGO—Lamenting the fact that he’d had to postpone his weekly unannounced visits to tenants until further notice, local landlord Rudy Jacobson told reporters Monday that the coronavirus had forced him to cut back on taking care of his building from one to zero hours a week. “Based on the city’s most recent shelter-in-place orders, I’m guessing it could be months until I can pop in at strange hours, bang on broken radiators and sinks, and then say that I don’t have the part to fix it and that there’s nothing I can do,” said Jacobson, adding that while he wanted to help his renters, he didn’t want to risk their safety just to spend 20 minutes milling around and leaving a mess of drywall dust and loose nails all over the floor. “It’s unfortunate, but for the next few months, I will not be able to stop by and post signs above the laundry machine that says ‘broken: do not use,’ or send mass texts in all caps to the entire building not to leave out food because it attracts rats. Also, until further notice, I am reducing the hours of my pest control specialist, my plumber, as well as my large son whom I frequently cuss out in the building’s shared spaces.” At press time, Jacobson added that despite the current public health crisis, he would work his hardest to ensure that rent collection and evictions would continue operating without interruptions.


theonion--2020-03-23--Ohio Orders Halt To Most Abortions During Coronavirus Pandemic

Citing federal guidelines intended to conserve medical supplies during the Covid-19 pandemic , Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost has ordered @ @ @ @ @ to halt most surgical abortions , calling the procedure “ nonessential and elective.
” What @ @ @ @ @ We can all learn a thing or two from Ohio about using coronavirus as a @ @ @ @ @ unrelated.
” “ Can ’ t these ladies wait a few months until this pandemic @ @ @ @ @

Citing federal guidelines intended to conserve medical supplies during the Covid-19 pandemic, Ohio Attorney General Dave Yost has ordered healthcare providers in the state to halt most surgical abortions, calling the procedure “nonessential and elective.” What do you think?
“We can all learn a thing or two from Ohio about using coronavirus as a convenient excuse for something totally unrelated.” David Luttrell • Egg Carton Merchant
“Probably shouldn’t give birth then, either.” Hazel Outen • Rope Braider
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theonion--2020-03-23--Self-Isolated Woman Going So Crazy She’s Started Talking To Her Spouse

BEAVERTON , OR—Confined to home as her second full week of social distancing began , local woman Stephanie Kunath was going so crazy in self-isolation that she had started talking to her spouse , sources confirmed Monday .
“ Quarantine is definitely making me a little unhinged , like earlier today when I was thinking about what I was going to make for lunch and suddenly realized I ’ d been speaking out loud to [ her husband ] Jeff the whole time !
” said Kunath , who admitted it was “ kind of nice , in a way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , even if she knew no one was really listening .
“ Then a while later , I blurted out , ‘ It ’ s a pretty day today , ’ and before I knew it , I was talking to him about all kinds of things I ’ d normally just think silently to myself .
Clearly , I ’ m losing my mind !
I should go on a walk before I really snap and start talking to the kids , too.
” Kunath added that she would know it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ actually started hearing her husband say things back to her .

BEAVERTON, OR—Confined to home as her second full week of social distancing began, local woman Stephanie Kunath was going so crazy in self-isolation that she had started talking to her spouse, sources confirmed Monday. “Quarantine is definitely making me a little unhinged, like earlier today when I was thinking about what I was going to make for lunch and suddenly realized I’d been speaking out loud to [her husband] Jeff the whole time!” said Kunath, who admitted it was “kind of nice, in a way” to have someone to chat with, even if she knew no one was really listening. “Then a while later, I blurted out, ‘It’s a pretty day today,’ and before I knew it, I was talking to him about all kinds of things I’d normally just think silently to myself. Clearly, I’m losing my mind! I should go on a walk before I really snap and start talking to the kids, too.” Kunath added that she would know it was time to get professional help if she actually started hearing her husband say things back to her.


theonion--2020-03-23--Nation Close To Getting Videoconferencing Software To Work

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication application fully figured out , the nation reportedly announced Monday that they were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work .
“ Hello , hello , okay , I can see you now , but I can ’ t hear you—is there something else I need to do ?
” said 327 million Americans in unison while trying to figure out how to unmute themselves as they combed through their computer ’ s system preferences trying to locate their audio settings , unsure if they needed to disconnect their bluetooth headphones @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wait , I clicked on the icon on the bottom left , but now all of you are frozen .
Sorry , now I don ’ t see anyone , but I hear a dog barking .
Is that right ?
Do I need to click something else ?
Actually , I ’ m just gon na try restarting my computer and hopefully that will fix it .
Make sure to re-invite me after I leave , though.
” After successfully connecting to the call , the U.S. populace immediately pivoted toward asking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it looked like they were on a beach .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they almost had the online communication application fully figured out, the nation reportedly announced Monday that they were close to getting their videoconferencing software to work. “Hello, hello, okay, I can see you now, but I can’t hear you—is there something else I need to do?” said 327 million Americans in unison while trying to figure out how to unmute themselves as they combed through their computer’s system preferences trying to locate their audio settings, unsure if they needed to disconnect their bluetooth headphones or download a new plug-in. “Wait, I clicked on the icon on the bottom left, but now all of you are frozen. Sorry, now I don’t see anyone, but I hear a dog barking. Is that right? Do I need to click something else? Actually, I’m just gonna try restarting my computer and hopefully that will fix it. Make sure to re-invite me after I leave, though.” After successfully connecting to the call, the U.S. populace immediately pivoted toward asking how they could change their backgrounds so it looked like they were on a beach.


theonion--2020-03-23--Americans Seek To Stay Social While Self-Isolating

As shelter-in-place orders roll out across the country , Americans trapped at home are socializing online via videoconferencing apps and @ @ @ @ @ birthday parties and movie nights to live-streamed concerts and even 12-step recovery programs .
What @ @ @ @ @ Whew !
Can ’ t believe how close I came to a period of introspection.
@ @ @ @ @ t help but worry we ’ ve become overly dependent on other people in order @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve been having a lot of fun with my coworkers on our group fax @ @

As shelter-in-place orders roll out across the country, Americans trapped at home are socializing online via videoconferencing apps and social media for everything from birthday parties and movie nights to live-streamed concerts and even 12-step recovery programs. What do you think?
“Whew! Can’t believe how close I came to a period of introspection.” Jennifer Ng • Produce Ripeness Tester
“I can’t help but worry we’ve become overly dependent on other people in order to socialize.” Horace Delgado • Animal Husbandry Promoter
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theonion--2020-03-23--Dog Not Sure How To Interpret Crazy Dream Where It Saw Squirrel, Barked At Squirrel

OAKLAND , CA—Admitting she was worried that her subconscious was trying to tell her something , Cookie , a local Parson Russell terrier , confirmed Monday that she wasn ’ t sure how to interpret a crazy dream she had where she saw a squirrel and then barked at a squirrel .
“ For the last three nights , every time I close my eyes , I see the squirrel , I chase the squirrel , and then the squirrel climbs up a tree , ” said Cookie , adding that no matter how hard she barks , the squirrel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ matter how hard she tries to climb the tree , she can never get past the base of the trunk .
“ I mean , I guess I never knew my mother , maybe the squirrel could represent the lack of a maternal figure in my life ?
Or maybe the squirrel represents my mortality , and the fact that the squirrel escapes me means that I ’ m going to die ?
Man , I don ’ t know .
This is even weirder than the time I dreamed about seeing a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Cookie had fallen asleep , only to bark and run so hard in her sleep that she jolted herself awake .

OAKLAND, CA—Admitting she was worried that her subconscious was trying to tell her something, Cookie, a local Parson Russell terrier, confirmed Monday that she wasn’t sure how to interpret a crazy dream she had where she saw a squirrel and then barked at a squirrel. “For the last three nights, every time I close my eyes, I see the squirrel, I chase the squirrel, and then the squirrel climbs up a tree,” said Cookie, adding that no matter how hard she barks, the squirrel will not come down, and no matter how hard she tries to climb the tree, she can never get past the base of the trunk. “I mean, I guess I never knew my mother, maybe the squirrel could represent the lack of a maternal figure in my life? Or maybe the squirrel represents my mortality, and the fact that the squirrel escapes me means that I’m going to die? Man, I don’t know. This is even weirder than the time I dreamed about seeing a rabbit and then chasing the rabbit.” At press time, Cookie had fallen asleep, only to bark and run so hard in her sleep that she jolted herself awake.


theonion--2020-03-23--OGN’s Best Games To Play During The Coronavirus Quarantine

Stuck inside ?
You ’ re not alone .
Thankfully , gamers like us have a secret weapon : a near endless list of video games to keep us happy and engaged while we ’ re waiting out the pandemic outside our doors .
Here is OGN ’ s definitive list of the best games to play during the coronavirus quarantine .
With quarantine expected to last weeks , if not months , now ’ s the perfect time to get about halfway through this sprawling epic .
Watching your digital family succumb to dysentery , tuberculosis , and cholera @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mind off the devastation of the real-life coronavirus .
Play these lighthearted party games with your friends and family remotely to quickly remind yourself why you never spent much time with them before you were quarantined .
Survival horror at its best , and a perfect antidote for these trying and chilling times .
Manage your resources correctly , hone your skills , and , after 40-plus hours of gameplay , you might just have what it takes to take down the dreaded Tom Nook .
It ’ s worth playing this arcade @ @ @ @ @ @ @ modern gamers , because everyone who played it when it first came out in 1979 is almost certainly going to die .
Take out your isolation-induced frustration the healthy way by murdering the avatars of middle-school children .
No one ’ s using it—now ’ s your chance !

Stuck inside? You’re not alone. Thankfully, gamers like us have a secret weapon: a near endless list of video games to keep us happy and engaged while we’re waiting out the pandemic outside our doors. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the best games to play during the coronavirus quarantine.
The Witcher 3:
With quarantine expected to last weeks, if not months, now’s the perfect time to get about halfway through this sprawling epic.
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The Oregon Trail:
Watching your digital family succumb to dysentery, tuberculosis, and cholera is the perfect way to keep your mind off the devastation of the real-life coronavirus.
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The Jackbox Party Pack:
Play these lighthearted party games with your friends and family remotely to quickly remind yourself why you never spent much time with them before you were quarantined.
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Animal Crossing: New Horizons:
Survival horror at its best, and a perfect antidote for these trying and chilling times. Manage your resources correctly, hone your skills, and, after 40-plus hours of gameplay, you might just have what it takes to take down the dreaded Tom Nook.
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It’s worth playing this arcade classic to keep its tradition alive with modern gamers, because everyone who played it when it first came out in 1979 is almost certainly going to die.
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Take out your isolation-induced frustration the healthy way by murdering the avatars of middle-school children.
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Xbox One Demo Station At Target:
No one’s using it—now’s your chance!


theonion--2020-03-23--Disturbing New Study Finds American 5th-Graders Only Absorbing Targeted Advertisements At 1st-Grade

Disturbing New Study Finds American 5th-Graders Only Absorbing Targeted Advertisements At 1st-Grade Level

STANFORD , CA—Calling the elementary schoolers “ eons ” behind their counterparts in terms of brand recognition , a disturbing new study published Monday by Stanford University found American fifth-graders were only absorbing advertisements at a first-grade level .
“ Out of the 10,000 children we studied , over 75 % of them scrolled right past products placed onto their social media feeds and did not even click or hover over the ad once , ” said researcher Professor Hannah Paul , adding that many of the subjects she worked with did not even bother clicking on ads created by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ items being sold were specifically tailored to their individual search history .
“ By fifth grade , students should be interacting with personalized advertising at a very high level and spending hundreds of dollars a month on clothes , skincare products , and other specialty products like nail decals and crystals .
If we don ’ t find a way to get these kids up to speed soon , they might never impulse shop online at a college level.
” At press time , Paul suggested that if parents were worried their children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and show them how to interact with simple , digestible advertisements for a few hours each night .

STANFORD, CA—Calling the elementary schoolers “eons” behind their counterparts in terms of brand recognition, a disturbing new study published Monday by Stanford University found American fifth-graders were only absorbing advertisements at a first-grade level. “Out of the 10,000 children we studied, over 75% of them scrolled right past products placed onto their social media feeds and did not even click or hover over the ad once,” said researcher Professor Hannah Paul, adding that many of the subjects she worked with did not even bother clicking on ads created by their favorite influencer, even when the items being sold were specifically tailored to their individual search history. “By fifth grade, students should be interacting with personalized advertising at a very high level and spending hundreds of dollars a month on clothes, skincare products, and other specialty products like nail decals and crystals. If we don’t find a way to get these kids up to speed soon, they might never impulse shop online at a college level.” At press time, Paul suggested that if parents were worried their children were behind, they should sit down and show them how to interact with simple, digestible advertisements for a few hours each night.


theonion--2020-03-23--10 Things Your Parents Were Right About

10 Things Your Parents Were Right About

“ Yes , she is very pretty , but you can not meet her .
Why , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ real girl lives somewhere far away , and she would blanch in horror were she @ @ @ @ @ .
I ’ m sorry , but that is just the way things will always @ @ @ @ @ , now , please don ’ t cry .
Your tears will not erase your @ @ @ @ @ ”

“Yes, she is very pretty, but you cannot meet her. Why, it’s only a photograph; the real girl lives somewhere far away, and she would blanch in horror were she to look upon your face. I’m sorry, but that is just the way things will always be for you. Now, now, please don’t cry. Your tears will not erase your scars, my boy.”


theonion--2020-03-24--Everything You Need To Know About ‘Half-Life: Alyx’

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot , Half-Life : Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor .
But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time ?
Here ’ s everything you need to know about Half-Life : Alyx .
Alyx is outfitted with gravity gloves that allow her to grab virtually anything in her environment , ranging from a cardboard box to a larger cardboard box The game is compatible with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or a large box placed over one ’ s head , for particularly imaginative gamers This is the first installment in the Half-Life series since 2007 ’ s kart racer Half Life Nitro Boost and its 2012 sequel Half-Life Grand Prix Taking a short break every few hours will allow you to avoid motion sickness and give you time to justify how this experience was possibly worth a $ 749 purchase The game uses breakthrough VR technology to allow gamers to enter the immersive world of pretty much a game released in 2004 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , users should make sure to calibrate the game ’ s settings by indicating whether you will play sitting or standing and letting the game analyze the precise location of their erogenous zones The game does not feature multiplayer , but given that you ’ re one of the only fucking idiots who shelled out for a virtual reality headset , this really isn ’ t a problem Finally , remember that no matter how glowing the reviews for this title are , virtually every gamer out there doesn ’ t have the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and they almost certainly never will

Heralded as a bold new vision of virtual reality gaming and the next chapter in the Half Life saga to boot, Half-Life: Alyx certainly has a ton working in its favor. But what should you expect when you don a headset and launch this hotly anticipated title for the first time? Here’s everything you need to know about Half-Life: Alyx.
Alyx is outfitted with gravity gloves that allow her to grab virtually anything in her environment, ranging from a cardboard box to a larger cardboard box
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The game is compatible with the Valve Index, Oculus Rift, or a large box placed over one’s head, for particularly imaginative gamers
This is the first installment in the Half-Life series since 2007’s kart racer Half Life Nitro Boost and its 2012 sequel Half-Life Grand Prix
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Taking a short break every few hours will allow you to avoid motion sickness and give you time to justify how this experience was possibly worth a $749 purchase
The game uses breakthrough VR technology to allow gamers to enter the immersive world of pretty much a game released in 2004
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Before getting too deep into the gameplay, users should make sure to calibrate the game’s settings by indicating whether you will play sitting or standing and letting the game analyze the precise location of their erogenous zones
The game does not feature multiplayer, but given that you’re one of the only fucking idiots who shelled out for a virtual reality headset, this really isn’t a problem
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Finally, remember that no matter how glowing the reviews for this title are, virtually every gamer out there doesn’t have the right equipment to actually play this game and they almost certainly never will


theonion--2020-03-24--Woody Allen’s Memoir Released After Being Dropped By Original Publisher

Woody Allen ’ s memoir , Apropos Of Nothing , was released this week nearly a month after it was @ @ @ @ @ , who backed out of publishing the book following employee protests and an announcement by @ @ @ @ @ Farrow that he would no longer work with the company .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ briefly delay the publication of a book , cancel culture has gone too far.
” @ @ @ @ @ publisher for taking a principled stand once their employees and clients threatened to quit .
@

Woody Allen’s memoir, Apropos Of Nothing, was released this week nearly a month after it was dropped by Hachette Book Group, who backed out of publishing the book following employee protests and an announcement by Allen’s son Ronan Farrow that he would no longer work with the company. What do you think?
“It’s absolutely disgusting that people still write memoirs.” Judith Petura • Mulch Bagger
“When it can briefly delay the publication of a book, cancel culture has gone too far.” Skip Reid • Police Scanner Attendant
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theonion--2020-03-24--Trump Suggests Ceding New York To Coronavirus As Possible Appeasement Strategy

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease ’ s rapid spread across the country , President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy .
“ We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores , including ceding at least the city of New York and potentially the entire state in order to meet the virus halfway and spare the rest of America from further suffering , ” said Trump at a press conference , adding that his understanding of what the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ New York ’ s 54,000 square miles and nearly 20 million residents would be sufficient to placate the respiratory disease .
“ We ’ re not in a good situation right now , but I think we can find a solution that will make me happy , make the American people happy , and make the virus happy .
This is a win-win and everyone gets what they want .
This is a big , big change , but in the end we ’ re going to like the final result .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ willing to make .
The virus should know that we respect where it ’ s coming from and how dangerous it is , which is why we ’ re offering a very big state .
This is a very smart virus and it will know a good deal .
I ’ d take this deal if I were the virus .
Some of my advisors suggested Rhode Island or New Hampshire , but I know that won ’ t be enough .
We ’ re hoping the coronavirus will be reasonable .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus New York that will be enough and it will go back to China or Italy or wherever it came from .
Maybe we ’ ll throw in New Jersey as well.
” New York governor Andrew Cuomo said he was willing to work with Trump but that ceding the entire state to the coronavirus was too much , and asked if he could reduce the offering to just the state ’ s prisons and migrant detention centers .

WASHINGTON—Mulling solutions to stop the disease’s rapid spread across the country, President Donald Trump reportedly suggested Tuesday ceding New York to the coronavirus as a possible appeasement strategy. “We are committed to looking at all options as we work through the invasion of this virus on our shores, including ceding at least the city of New York and potentially the entire state in order to meet the virus halfway and spare the rest of America from further suffering,” said Trump at a press conference, adding that his understanding of what the coronavirus wanted led him to believe that New York’s 54,000 square miles and nearly 20 million residents would be sufficient to placate the respiratory disease. “We’re not in a good situation right now, but I think we can find a solution that will make me happy, make the American people happy, and make the virus happy. This is a win-win and everyone gets what they want. This is a big, big change, but in the end we’re going to like the final result. I think this is a sacrifice everyone is willing to make. The virus should know that we respect where it’s coming from and how dangerous it is, which is why we’re offering a very big state. This is a very smart virus and it will know a good deal. I’d take this deal if I were the virus. Some of my advisors suggested Rhode Island or New Hampshire, but I know that won’t be enough. We’re hoping the coronavirus will be reasonable. We’re hoping that if we give the coronavirus New York that will be enough and it will go back to China or Italy or wherever it came from. Maybe we’ll throw in New Jersey as well.” New York governor Andrew Cuomo said he was willing to work with Trump but that ceding the entire state to the coronavirus was too much, and asked if he could reduce the offering to just the state’s prisons and migrant detention centers.


theonion--2020-03-24--Russia Pledges To Run Completely Positive Disinformation Campaign In 2020

The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging @ @ @ @ @ to only spreading nice lies this time around .
But will it work ?
The @ @ @ @ @ App , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App @ @ @ @ @ Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you @ @ @ @ @ App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The same Russian internet trolls known for interfering with the 2016 election are taking a step back from the mud-slinging, and are committing themselves to only spreading nice lies this time around. But will it work?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-24--CDC Launches Coronavirus Bot For Americans To Check Symptoms

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have launched Clara , a bot that asks users questions about their cold @ @ @ @ @ recommendations about whether to seek medical attention .
What do you think ?
“ I @ @ @ @ @ , impersonal medical care from an actual human being , thank you.
” “ I @ @ @ @ @ when we got robot doctors they ’ d have needles for hands and stuff .
@

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have launched Clara, a bot that asks users questions about their cold or flu-like symptoms and provides recommendations about whether to seek medical attention. What do you think?
“I prefer to get my brusque, impersonal medical care from an actual human being, thank you.” Agatha Gayles • Hamster Behaviorist
“Eh, I don’t think my insurance covers visiting a website.” Benji Rosenberg • Coaster Artist
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theonion--2020-03-24--Trump Urges Loosening CDC Restrictions To Let Coronavirus Get To Work

WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates , President Donald Trump urged the loosening @ @ @ @ @ let Covid-19 get to work .
“ The economy is hurting—we must send the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ , schools , and factories , ” said Trump , explaining that the nation can @ @ @ @ @ the number of new cases and deaths crashing .
“ We need those numbers up @ @ @ @ @ and work is important here .
Without work , the virus has no purpose .
@ @ @ @ @ millions of virus particles just sitting around and doing nothing .
The coronavirus wants to @ @ @ @ @ re going to put it back to work as soon as possible.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ skyrocketed as the coronavirus returned in full strength back into the American workforce .

WASHINGTON—Calling for an end to precautions such as social distancing and shelter-in-place mandates, President Donald Trump urged the loosening of CDC restrictions Tuesday to let Covid-19 get to work. “The economy is hurting—we must send the coronavirus back into our office buildings, schools, and factories,” said Trump, explaining that the nation cannot risk the possibility of the number of new cases and deaths crashing. “We need those numbers up! This is America, and work is important here. Without work, the virus has no purpose. Right now, there are millions of virus particles just sitting around and doing nothing. The coronavirus wants to work, so we’re going to put it back to work as soon as possible.” At press time, the Dow had skyrocketed as the coronavirus returned in full strength back into the American workforce.


theonion--2020-03-24--Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Not

Olympic Dressage Rider Enraged After Spending Past 4 Years Jauntily Trotting Around On Horse For Nothing

SOMERSWORTH , NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee ’ s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic , dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing .
“ After countless hours of sitting primly upon this graceful beast and coaxing her to prance about in sublime cadence , you ’ re telling me it ’ s all been a waste ?
” Merriweather said before ordering a stable hand to immediately cease brushing the elegant mane of her prize horse @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him on the spot .
“ All those breezy , cloudless afternoons of daintily clip-clopping up and down this equestrian arena to absolutely nail the perfect piaffe—do you know how long that takes ?
My family acquired this animal when she was just a foal , and ever since I ’ ve worn this goddamn top hat and fancy coat as we ’ ve cantered through the meadows in the brisk spring air , working to make our half-pass maneuver just so .
Now the IOC is saying I don ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a fucking medal ?
” At press time , sources confirmed Merriweather had told her former stable hand that he could collect his final paycheck just as soon as he had euthanized Madame Amboise with a gunshot to the head .

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

SOMERSWORTH, NH—Reeling from shock at the International Olympic Committee’s decision to postpone the 2020 Summer Games due to the coronavirus pandemic, dressage rider Adelaide Merriweather expressed fury Tuesday after spending the past four years jauntily trotting around on her horse for nothing. “After countless hours of sitting primly upon this graceful beast and coaxing her to prance about in sublime cadence, you’re telling me it’s all been a waste?” Merriweather said before ordering a stable hand to immediately cease brushing the elegant mane of her prize horse, Madame Amboise, and then firing him on the spot. “All those breezy, cloudless afternoons of daintily clip-clopping up and down this equestrian arena to absolutely nail the perfect piaffe—do you know how long that takes? My family acquired this animal when she was just a foal, and ever since I’ve worn this goddamn top hat and fancy coat as we’ve cantered through the meadows in the brisk spring air, working to make our half-pass maneuver just so. Now the IOC is saying I don’t even get to go to Tokyo and get a fucking medal?” At press time, sources confirmed Merriweather had told her former stable hand that he could collect his final paycheck just as soon as he had euthanized Madame Amboise with a gunshot to the head.


theonion--2020-03-24--Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 24, 2020

Your life ’ s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country , though @ @ @ @ @ about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Aries | March 21 to April 19
Your life’s story will soon play out in front of movie theater audiences across the country, though it’ll only last about 30 seconds and advertise free soft drink refills in the main lobby.


theonion--2020-03-24--6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun

6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun

What , you think this is some kind of goddamn joke ?
The title said “ 6 Dogs Who Know @ @ @ @ @ Six !
That ’ s it !
You got your six damn dogs , now @ @ @ @ @ a little time together during that slideshow and you seem like a nice person , @ @ @ @ @ you here : There ’ s absolutely nothing left to see at all !
Not @ @ @ @ @ you ’ ve already gone way too far and , believe me , you have @ @ @ @ @ re getting yourself into .

What, you think this is some kind of goddamn joke? The title said “6 Dogs Who Know How To Have Fun.” Six! That’s it! You got your six damn dogs, now beat it! We spent a little time together during that slideshow and you seem like a nice person, so let me level with you here: There’s absolutely nothing left to see at all! Not a thing! Listen, you’ve already gone way too far and, believe me, you have no idea what you’re getting yourself into.


theonion--2020-03-25--U.N. Names Finland Happiest Country For Third Year In A Row

The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the world , followed closely @ @ @ @ @ the United States has bumped up one spot to number 18 .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ it works in Finland , but I don ’ t think happiness is right for @ @ @ @ @ for them , but there ’ s more to life than winning some competition that @ @ @ @ @ .
”

The 2020 United Nations World Happiness Report has found Finland has the happiest citizens in the world, followed closely by other Nordic countries while the United States has bumped up one spot to number 18. What do you think?
“Sure, it works in Finland, but I don’t think happiness is right for the U.S.” Hattie Carpenter • Unemployed
“Good for them, but there’s more to life than winning some competition that exhaustively measures quality of life.” Jerry Skager • Chair Expert
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theonion--2020-03-25--National Park Service Under Fire For Wasting $40 Million To Pamper A Single, Charming Moose

His name is Alton , and he ’ s a 1,200-pound bull moose who ’ s been described as “ @ @ @ @ @ ” by the NPS .
But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions @ @ @ @ @ by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download @ @ @ @ @ Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only @ @ @ @ @ but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

His name is Alton, and he’s a 1,200-pound bull moose who’s been described as “charismatic” and “charming” by the NPS. But are their attempts to woo him costing taxpayers millions?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-25--Deal Alert: The Federal Government Is Cutting You A $1,200 Stimulus Check That You Can, And Should,

Deal Alert: The Federal Government Is Cutting You A $1,200 Stimulus Check That You Can, And Should, Spend Exclusively On 75 Copies Of ‘Stardew Valley’

Things are finally looking up for gamers searching for the deal of a lifetime !
After weeks of panic and uncertainty , Onion Gamers Network is now confirming that the federal government reached a decision early Wednesday morning to cut you a stimulus check for $ 1,200 that you can—and should—spend exclusively on 75 copies of Stardew Valley .
Talk about an incredible deal !
Getting a check from the U.S. Treasury and using it all on these six-dozen-plus copies of the classic farming simulator is the perfect way for video game fans to weather out these stressful times , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you do exactly that , and only that , with your money .
Don ’ t think about this .
Just do it .
Here ’ s how it works !
In one month , the stimulus of $ 1,200 big ones will start arriving at the houses of gamers across the country .
From there , you ’ re just a quick trip to Steam and 75 short clicks from taking advantage of this opportunity .
Do this immediately , before you have second thoughts .
At $ 14.99 per copy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t afford to wait on !
Of course , some might encourage you not to spend the check all in one place .
They might suggest that you should think through other options before splurging on this many digital copies of a game released in 2016 .
That ’ s totally understandable , and that ’ s why we would suggest you diversify your purchase by buying half of these copies in a physical form .
Sure , you ’ ll spend a bit more on shipping , but the second you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cases sprawled out on your floor , you ’ ll realize you made the right decision .
So get ready to enjoy some sincerely epic savings , readers .
You ’ re about to spend your stimulus check the only way a true gamer should !

Things are finally looking up for gamers searching for the deal of a lifetime! After months of panic and uncertainty, Onion Gamers Network is now confirming that the federal government reached a decision late last week to cut you a stimulus check for $1,400 that you can—and should—spend exclusively on 93 copies of Stardew Valley.
Talk about an incredible deal! Getting a check from the U.S. Treasury and using it all on these six-dozen-plus copies of the classic farming simulator is the perfect way for video game fans to weather out these stressful times, which is why we’re recommending you do exactly that, and only that, with your money.
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Don’t think about this. Just do it.
Here’s how it works! In one month, the stimulus of $1,400 big ones will start arriving at the houses of gamers across the country. From there, you’re just a quick trip to Steam and 93 short clicks from taking advantage of this opportunity. Do this immediately, before you have second thoughts. At $14.99 per copy, this is a deal that you can’t afford to wait on!
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Of course, some might encourage you not to spend the check all in one place. They might suggest that you should think through other options before splurging on this many digital copies of a game released in 2016. That’s totally understandable, and that’s why we would suggest you diversify your purchase by buying half of these copies in a physical form. Sure, you’ll spend a bit more on shipping, but the second you have 20 or 30 Stardew Valley game cases sprawled out on your floor, you’ll realize you made the right decision.
So get ready to enjoy some sincerely epic savings, readers. You’re about to spend your stimulus check the only way a true gamer should!


theonion--2020-03-25--TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Throu

TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet

As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast , ravages our hospitals , and brings our nation ’ s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt , the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future .
The fate of our health , our families , and our daily lives remain in grave peril unless we take immediate action .
Which is why TheOnion.com is now a designated Pandemic Shelter in the event that Covid-19 spreads through the internet .
The editorial board of The Onion has issued an emergency order to mobilize our vast resources @ @ @ @ @ @ @ space where you and your loved ones can obtain guaranteed safety .
This website is a 100 % Covid-190free zone .
Our global security team has sprayed our servers with industrial-grade chloroquine , and top U.S. health officials have already discovered credible evidence that clicking each and every link you see on our homepage can effectively strengthen your immune system .
In an effort to create an airtight quarantine , readers who were already visiting our website at the time this order was issued have been instructed to remain browsing our considerable archive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a fine and/or imprisonment .
Furthermore , we find it imperative to disclose that TheOnion.com is the only site on the world-wide web to receive the official Onion Seal of Covid Sanctuary .
Once secure within our website , we advise you NOT to leave TheOnion.com .
DO NOT EXIT your browser or close any tabs .
DO NOT LEAVE the site except to take a brief visit to our sponsors ’ websites .
Though scientists have yet to confirm the strain can spread through the web , we ’ ve already @ @ @ @ @ @ @ virus can wreak when proper precautions go neglected .
Government epidemiologists and emergency preparedness responders make up just a few hundred of the thousands of Onion readers who have already secured a spot for their spouses and children throughout the web pages of TheOnion.com ’ s official Pandemic Shelter .
Space may be limited , but as a testament to the Zweibel family ’ s leadership , we will be keeping the homepage open to all late-comers .
Here , you will be safely quarantined away from other internet users who could needlessly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t worry , we promise that there will be plenty of e-Cots and Virtual Blankets .
As an added precaution , we advise you keep backup tabs open from TheOnion.com ’ s official Pandemic Shelter on your phone , personal laptops , and tablet computers .

As the coronavirus pandemic besets our cities from coast to coast, ravages our hospitals, and brings our nation’s once-flourishing economy grinding to a halt, the American people stare down the barrel of an uncertain future. The fate of our health, our families, and our daily lives remain in grave peril unless we take immediate action.
Which is why TheOnion.com is now a designated Pandemic Shelter in the event that Covid-19 spreads through the internet.
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The editorial board of The Onion has issued an emergency order to mobilize our vast resources to transform our digital platform into a space where you and your loved ones can obtain guaranteed safety. This website is a 100% Covid-19- free zone. Our global security team has sprayed our servers with industrial-grade chloroquine, and top U.S. health officials have already discovered credible evidence that clicking each and every link you see on our homepage can effectively strengthen your immune system. In an effort to create an airtight quarantine, readers who were already visiting our website at the time this order was issued have been instructed to remain browsing our considerable archive of stimulating and award-winning content at penalty of a fine and/or imprisonment.
Furthermore, we find it imperative to disclose that TheOnion.com is the only site on the world-wide web to receive the official Onion Seal of Covid Sanctuary.
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Once secure within our website, we advise you NOT to leave TheOnion.com. DO NOT EXIT your browser or close any tabs. DO NOT LEAVE the site except to take a brief visit to our sponsors’ websites.
Though scientists have yet to confirm the strain can spread through the web, we’ve already paid witness to the devastating effects the virus can wreak when proper precautions go neglected. Government epidemiologists and emergency preparedness responders make up just a few hundred of the thousands of Onion readers who have already secured a spot for their spouses and children throughout the web pages of TheOnion.com’s official Pandemic Shelter.
Advertisement
Space may be limited, but as a testament to the Zweibel family’s leadership, we will be keeping the homepage open to all late-comers. Here, you will be safely quarantined away from other internet users who could needlessly infect you and your families. Don’t worry, we promise that there will be plenty of e-Cots and Virtual Blankets.
As an added precaution, we advise you keep backup tabs open from TheOnion.com’s official Pandemic Shelter on your phone, personal laptops, and tablet computers.


theonion--2020-03-25--Man Just Buying One Of Every Cleaning Product In Case Trump Announces It’s Coronavirus Cure

EVANSTON , WY—Throwing bottles of bleach , ammonia , and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store , area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure .
“ I got toilet bowl cleaner , carpet cleaner , Swiffer WetJet refills—you name it—just so me and my family will be ready if the president announces one of these things can treat Chinese virus , ” said Mitchell , indiscriminately throwing containers of laundry detergent , Scrubbing Bubbles , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Tilex mold and mildew remover , and laptop screen wipes into the cart , the contents of which rang up to $ 2,513.67 at checkout .
“ I ’ m not getting caught without some oven degreaser should Trump say it ’ s going to save us , so I better go ahead and grab me a bottle .
After this , I ’ m hitting the hardware store to pick up a 5-gallon bucket of roof sealant to make sure I ’ m prepared in the event that turns out to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Could just be 10 or 20 squirts of Windex into each nostril .
You never know what might work in a pinch !
” At press time , neighbors confirmed Mitchell had been found unresponsive on the floor of his bathroom with several empty aerosol cans of Rust-Oleum wax-and-tar-removing solvent by his head .

EVANSTON, WY—Throwing bottles of bleach, ammonia, and Drano into a cart at his local grocery store, area man Troy Mitchell was reportedly stocking up on one of every cleaning product he could find Wednesday in case President Donald Trump announces it is a coronavirus cure. “I got toilet bowl cleaner, carpet cleaner, Swiffer WetJet refills—you name it—just so me and my family will be ready if the president announces one of these things can treat Chinese virus,” said Mitchell, indiscriminately throwing containers of laundry detergent, Scrubbing Bubbles, grout whitener, steel wool, Febreze, Tilex mold and mildew remover, and laptop screen wipes into the cart, the contents of which rang up to $2,513.67 at checkout. “I’m not getting caught without some oven degreaser should Trump say it’s going to save us, so I better go ahead and grab me a bottle. After this, I’m hitting the hardware store to pick up a 5-gallon bucket of roof sealant to make sure I’m prepared in the event that turns out to be what gets rid of the Wuhan. Could just be 10 or 20 squirts of Windex into each nostril. You never know what might work in a pinch!” At press time, neighbors confirmed Mitchell had been found unresponsive on the floor of his bathroom with several empty aerosol cans of Rust-Oleum wax-and-tar-removing solvent by his head.


theonion--2020-03-25--British Royal Family Orders Citizens To Leave U.K. Until Prince Charles Recovers

LONDON—Calling it the “ nation ’ s foremost duty ” to protect their 71-year-old heir apparent , the British royal family ordered 67 million citizens Wednesday to evacuate the United Kingdom until Prince Charles recovered from the novel coronavirus .
“ Starting immediately , all residents are hereby instructed to gather their necessary belongings , cross the border into nearby Europe , and allow Charles at least 14 days to self isolate in his country , ” said royal spokeswoman Evelyn Robinson , adding that citizens should quickly board planes , trains , and boats to create a safe distance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wales and the nearest commoner .
“ In the wake of this country ’ s devastating Covid-19 outbreak , we want to remind all English , Scottish , and Irish nationals that choosing to remain quarantined places Prince Charles , and his wife , Camilla , Duchess of Cornwall , for that matter , at an extremely high risk .
To the Kingdom of Great Britain , we ask : What would you rather do ?
Simply take a few days to wade out into the English Channel ?
Or remain in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the royal family dies , there will be blood on your hands ?
” At press time , Robinson ordered all U.K. citizens to be as silent as possible when leaving the country , so as not to awaken Prince Charles from his afternoon nap .

LONDON—Calling it the “nation’s foremost duty” to protect their 71-year-old heir apparent, the British royal family ordered 67 million citizens Wednesday to evacuate the United Kingdom until Prince Charles recovered from the novel coronavirus. “Starting immediately, all residents are hereby instructed to gather their necessary belongings, cross the border into nearby Europe, and allow Charles at least 14 days to self isolate in his country,” said royal spokeswoman Evelyn Robinson, adding that citizens should quickly board planes, trains, and boats to create a safe distance of 2,000 miles between the Prince of Wales and the nearest commoner. “In the wake of this country’s devastating Covid-19 outbreak, we want to remind all English, Scottish, and Irish nationals that choosing to remain quarantined places Prince Charles, and his wife, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, for that matter, at an extremely high risk. To the Kingdom of Great Britain, we ask: What would you rather do? Simply take a few days to wade out into the English Channel? Or remain in the country, knowing that if a member of the royal family dies, there will be blood on your hands?” At press time, Robinson ordered all U.K. citizens to be as silent as possible when leaving the country, so as not to awaken Prince Charles from his afternoon nap.


theonion--2020-03-25--China Will Lift Lockdown On Wuhan April 8th

The Chinese government announced that in two weeks it will end the mandatory lockdown on the city of Wuhan nearly @ @ @ @ @ , citing a significant slowdown of coronavirus infections in the country .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ lift our lockdowns a week earlier to remind the Chinese government who ’ s in @ @ @ @ @ m sure residents are looking forward to being legally required to put all this behind @ @ @ @ @ government can divert its full attention to quashing protests .
”

The Chinese government announced that in two weeks it will end the mandatory lockdown on the city of Wuhan nearly 80 days after it began, citing a significant slowdown of coronavirus infections in the country. What do you think?
“Trump should lift our lockdowns a week earlier to remind the Chinese government who’s in charge.” Ron Spradlin • Cherry Pitter
“I’m sure residents are looking forward to being legally required to put all this behind them.” Linda Cantero • Biking Instructor
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theonion--2020-03-25--Pros And Cons Of CBD For Pets

Pros And Cons Of CBD For Pets

One recent survey found that about 10 % of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol , one @ @ @ @ @ marijuana .
Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits , while opponents warn that doing @ @ @ @ @ .
The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet @ @ @ @ @ to mellow the fuck out .
One CBD treat lasts , like , 21 hours @ @ @ @ @ reduce dogs ’ irrational anxiety around being locked in a crate all day .
Pam @ @ @ @ @ worked pretty well .
Pets are going to try it regardless , so it ’ @ @ @ @ @ from you .
Dog could become dependent on you .
Having to tell your friends @ @ @ @ @ poorly as pet food .
What are you doing , that shit ’ s expensive @ @ @ @ @ you share , they ’ ll never throw in for the next bag .

One recent survey found that about 10% of dog and cat owners had given their pets cannabidiol, one of the active ingredients in marijuana. Advocates say giving pets CBD has benefits, while opponents warn that doing so can have unintended consequences. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of giving CBD to your pet.
PRO
Goldfish could really stand to mellow the fuck out.
One CBD treat lasts, like, 21 hours in dog years.
Could reduce dogs’ irrational anxiety around being locked in a crate all day.
Pam tried this and said it worked pretty well.
Pets are going to try it regardless, so it’s best they get it from you.
CON
Dog could become dependent on you.
Having to tell your friends.
CBD regulated almost as poorly as pet food.
What are you doing, that shit’s expensive!
No matter how much you share, they’ll never throw in for the next bag.


theonion--2020-03-25--OGN Investigates: We Exposed An Orphan To Nothing But Violent Games For The First 12 Years Of His Li

OGN Investigates: We Exposed An Orphan To Nothing But Violent Games For The First 12 Years Of His Life And While It Didn’t Make Him Violent He Sure Came Out Weird

Whether it ’ s fighting the belief that all gamers are antisocial weirdos or advocating for more inclusiveness in the medium ’ s protagonists , we here at OGN have always been dedicated to telling the truth about games .
That is why we have undertaken a historic and undoubtedly forbidden investigation into one of the most common misconceptions about gaming : The idea that they make gamers more prone to violence .
To do that , we adopted a young infant from a local orphanage , locked him inside of a cabin in the woods , and exposed him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the past 12 years .
The end result ?
It turns out critics are dead wrong .
The child didn ’ t turn out violent at all , even though we have to admit he became an extremely weird individual .
We ’ re calling it now : Any naysayers out there who have painted games as the source of society ’ s violence need to admit their mistake , because while there ’ s definitely something off with this kid , it has nothing to do with violence .
The boy—whom we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hedgehog and because that is the one word he ever learned to speak—has never once attacked or even threatened another human being .
In fact , he seems mostly content to just continue playing the games that have constituted his entire life since he first developed object permanence .
That being said , Sonic can mostly only speak in gibberish sentences , and even a small amount of eye contact often ends with him foaming at the mouth and hiding in a closet for hours .
But still , no violence .
To @ @ @ @ @ @ @ experiment , young Sonic has been kept in a windowless room for his entire life .
For years , he ’ s been fed nothing but mashed bananas and oatmeal and has never been allowed contact with any humans other than our one OGN researcher .
In fact , to ensure he has a constant view of a violent video game , Sonic hasn ’ t even seen daylight in his decade on this earth .
In this perfectly controlled environment , he has been either playing or watching some of the goriest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mortal Kombat and the Postal series to Manhunt and Gears Of War .
Then came the long-awaited culmination to the experiment .
Last month , we brought Sonic out of his locked habitat and into the OGN offices , where we enrolled him a local public school .
What proved incredible to both us—and any detractors of the gaming medium—is that he has not shown a single impulse to harm another living thing .
Even when he has been bullied for his name or translucent skin and feral appearance , he has never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his hands against his ears and shake his head wildly or run out of the room in this strange , toddling walk that ’ s almost akin to a penguin .
He ’ s also been dry-humping things and masturbating a lot .
Even for a teenager , it ’ s way too much .
We ’ ve tried to get him to stop , but he just starts wailing and throwing himself into the wall .
The doctors we ’ ve gone to haven ’ t been much help at giving us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you have it , the most comprehensive study into the psychology of violent video games has a clear answer : There is no correlation between them and kids acting violent themselves .
There does seem to be some form of connection between them and a fixation on collecting shiny metal objects and women ’ s hair , but we will leave that to the next study to sort out .
For now , if anyone wants to adopt Sonic , we are dropping him off on a street corner in Milwaukee .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ swear .

Whether it’s fighting the belief that all gamers are antisocial weirdos or advocating for more inclusiveness in the medium’s protagonists, we here at OGN have always been dedicated to telling the truth about games. That is why we have undertaken a historic and undoubtedly forbidden investigation into one of the most common misconceptions about gaming: The idea that they make gamers more prone to violence. To do that, we adopted a young infant from a local orphanage, locked him inside of a cabin in the woods, and exposed him to nothing but violent video games for the past 12 years. The end result? It turns out critics are dead wrong. The child didn’t turn out violent at all, even though we have to admit he became an extremely weird individual.
We’re calling it now: Any naysayers out there who have painted games as the source of society’s violence need to admit their mistake, because while there’s definitely something off with this kid, it has nothing to do with violence.
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The boy—whom we named “Sonic” after the titular hedgehog and because that is the one word he ever learned to speak—has never once attacked or even threatened another human being. In fact, he seems mostly content to just continue playing the games that have constituted his entire life since he first developed object permanence. That being said, Sonic can mostly only speak in gibberish sentences, and even a small amount of eye contact often ends with him foaming at the mouth and hiding in a closet for hours. But still, no violence.
To create a perfectly controlled environment for our experiment, young Sonic has been kept in a windowless room for his entire life. For years, he’s been fed nothing but mashed bananas and oatmeal and has never been allowed contact with any humans other than our one OGN researcher. In fact, to ensure he has a constant view of a violent video game, Sonic hasn’t even seen daylight in his decade on this earth. In this perfectly controlled environment, he has been either playing or watching some of the goriest and most bloody games ever produced from Mortal Kombat and the Postal series to Manhunt and Gears Of War.
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Then came the long-awaited culmination to the experiment. Last month, we brought Sonic out of his locked habitat and into the OGN offices, where we enrolled him a local public school. What proved incredible to both us—and any detractors of the gaming medium—is that he has not shown a single impulse to harm another living thing. Even when he has been bullied for his name or translucent skin and feral appearance, he has never lashed out, instead electing to press his hands against his ears and shake his head wildly or run out of the room in this strange, toddling walk that’s almost akin to a penguin.
He’s also been dry-humping things and masturbating a lot. Even for a teenager, it’s way too much. We’ve tried to get him to stop, but he just starts wailing and throwing himself into the wall. The doctors we’ve gone to haven’t been much help at giving us a cure, either.
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So there you have it, the most comprehensive study into the psychology of violent video games has a clear answer: There is no correlation between them and kids acting violent themselves. There does seem to be some form of connection between them and a fixation on collecting shiny metal objects and women’s hair, but we will leave that to the next study to sort out. For now, if anyone wants to adopt Sonic, we are dropping him off on a street corner in Milwaukee. He won’t hurt you, we swear.


theonion--2020-03-25--10 Photos Of Plus-Size Models We Deserve A Pat On The Back For Running

Once again , keep in mind that all the models in this slideshow , including this one , are plus-sized @ @ @ @ @ point of this , you see .
To show that it doesn ’ t matter @ @ @ @ @ see what we ’ re doing here ?

Once again, keep in mind that all the models in this slideshow, including this one, are plus-sized. That’s the point of this, you see. To show that it doesn’t matter to us. Do you see what we’re doing here?


theonion--2020-04-16--Russian Roulette Champion Wouldn’t Let His Son Play Russian Roulette

AUSTIN—Expressing deep concern for his child ’ s well-being if he were to follow in his father ’ s footsteps , Russian roulette champion Hector Smith told reporters Thursday that he personally wouldn ’ t let his son play Russian roulette .
“ Back when I started playing , safety wasn ’ t a huge priority , but now as a parent knowing all the health risks involved , I wouldn ’ t let my kid set foot in that circle , ” said Smith , citing recent harrowing MRI images depicting the potential damage that the game may cause @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lucky that I ’ ve had so much success , but even so , that doesn ’ t necessarily mean that it ’ s an activity that teens should get involved in .
I ’ ve seen a lot of great young men get cut down in their prime from head injuries , and it dramatically reduces their chances of living a full , healthy life .
You can think of it as just a game , but it actually can have some severe consequences.
” At press time , Smith was urging @ @ @ @ @ @ @ activities , such as rapidly stabbing a knife between your fingers .

AUSTIN—Expressing deep concern for his child’s well-being if he were to follow in his father’s footsteps, Russian roulette champion Hector Smith told reporters Thursday that he personally wouldn’t let his son play Russian roulette. “Back when I started playing, safety wasn’t a huge priority, but now as a parent knowing all the health risks involved, I wouldn’t let my kid set foot in that circle,” said Smith, citing recent harrowing MRI images depicting the potential damage that the game may cause to the brain. “I feel lucky that I’ve had so much success, but even so, that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s an activity that teens should get involved in. I’ve seen a lot of great young men get cut down in their prime from head injuries, and it dramatically reduces their chances of living a full, healthy life. You can think of it as just a game, but it actually can have some severe consequences.” At press time, Smith was urging his son to participate in less dangerous activities, such as rapidly stabbing a knife between your fingers.


theonion--2020-04-16--Spring SAT Tests Cancelled Due To Pandemic

The College Board announced that upcoming SAT testing has been postponed due to the coronavirus , but added that if @ @ @ @ @ they may introduce a digital exam for students to take at home .
What do @ @ @ @ @ God !
I was worried I might find out how stupid my son is.
” @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have it in me to give my students another ‘ test scores don @ @ @ @ @ speech.
” “ But standardized tests are a really important tool for us to measure @ @ @ @ @ .
”

The College Board announced that upcoming SAT testing has been postponed due to the coronavirus, but added that if schools remain closed this fall they may introduce a digital exam for students to take at home. What do you think?
“Thank God! I was worried I might find out how stupid my son is.” Reese Sherman • Abstract Cartographer
“Good, I don’t have it in me to give my students another ‘test scores don’t define you’ speech.” Isaac Gauny • AP Gym Teacher
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theonion--2020-04-16--Alex Garland Recalls Discovering Personal Computers While Researching ‘Devs’

LONDON—Acknowledging the devices as a “ huge influence ” on the eight -episode television series , writer-director Alex Garland reportedly recalled Thursday discovering personal computers while researching his techno thriller Devs .
“ I was just planning to make a show about free will , but it took on a whole new life once I learned about personal computing , especially laptops , ” said Garland , who shared an anecdote about filming a sequence in which the show ’ s lead character , Lily Chan , used an abacus and notebook to investigate her boyfriend ’ s murder , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ recommend placing MacBooks in the scenes instead .
“ On the one hand , I worried that referencing computers might go way over viewers ’ heads , but on the other , it made sense for a story about developers to get a bit more technical .
If they ’ re anything like me , I ’ m sure fans of the show will run to their local library to find out more about computers .
I did , and a librarian actually let me try out a desktop model they had right @ @ @ @ @ @ @ swear , they ’ re endlessly fascinating—you can use ’ em for typing , sending electronic mail , and playing games , too .
They even have little tiny ones you can make phone calls on .
Who knew ?
” Garland went on to credit actresses Sonoya Mizuno , Alison Pill , and Siri for their invaluable contributions to the series .

LONDON—Acknowledging the devices as a “huge influence” on the eight -episode television series, writer-director Alex Garland reportedly recalled Thursday discovering personal computers while researching his techno thriller Devs. “I was just planning to make a show about free will, but it took on a whole new life once I learned about personal computing, especially laptops,” said Garland, who shared an anecdote about filming a sequence in which the show’s lead character, Lily Chan, used an abacus and notebook to investigate her boyfriend’s murder, before production staff pulled him aside to recommend placing MacBooks in the scenes instead. “On the one hand, I worried that referencing computers might go way over viewers’ heads, but on the other, it made sense for a story about developers to get a bit more technical. If they’re anything like me, I’m sure fans of the show will run to their local library to find out more about computers. I did, and a librarian actually let me try out a desktop model they had right there in the reading room! I swear, they’re endlessly fascinating—you can use ’em for typing, sending electronic mail, and playing games, too. They even have little tiny ones you can make phone calls on. Who knew?” Garland went on to credit actresses Sonoya Mizuno, Alison Pill, and Siri for their invaluable contributions to the series.


theonion--2020-04-16--CEO Assures Employees He Doing Everything In His Power To Lay People Off

SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone ’ s jobs are in jeopardy , WhooshSnaps.biz CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he ’ s doing everything in his power to lay people off .
“ I ’ ve heard some concerns going around , and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I ’ m taking every possible step to ensure that you are all out of a job with no income or health insurance , ” said Kleppen in a company-wide email to employees , explaining that he was exploring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ misappropriate funds , and implement new approaches to hemorrhage money with the goal of firing as many staffers as possible .
“ Believe me when I say if it were up to me , I would terminate every single one of you .
It gives me no pleasure to keep you around .
The absolute last thing we want to do is retain all of our staff during this crisis.
” At press time , Kleppen was working around the clock to free up funds tied up in employee paychecks to secure his @ @ @

SAN FRANCISCO—Promising from the bottom of his heart that everyone’s jobs are in jeopardy, WhooshSnaps.biz CEO Brian Kleppen assured employees Thursday that he’s doing everything in his power to lay people off. “I’ve heard some concerns going around, and I want to impress upon each and every one of you that I’m taking every possible step to ensure that you are all out of a job with no income or health insurance,” said Kleppen in a company-wide email to employees, explaining that he was exploring all avenues to over leverage investments, misappropriate funds, and implement new approaches to hemorrhage money with the goal of firing as many staffers as possible. “Believe me when I say if it were up to me, I would terminate every single one of you. It gives me no pleasure to keep you around. The absolute last thing we want to do is retain all of our staff during this crisis.” At press time, Kleppen was working around the clock to free up funds tied up in employee paychecks to secure his year-end bonus.


theonion--2020-04-16--Answering The Call: Bungie Announced That Master Chief Is Available To Fight Coronavirus But Isn’t S

Answering The Call: Bungie Announced That Master Chief Is Available To Fight Coronavirus But Isn’t Sure How To Make That Happen

As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to spread , companies are chipping in to help with relief efforts any way they can , and Bungie is no exception .
The acclaimed video game developer has recently announced that the series star , Master Chief himself , is available to fight the coronavirus , although they aren ’ t exactly sure how to make that happen .
That ’ d be pretty inspiring if they could figure out a way to make that work , wouldn ’ t it ?
Yeah !
Go Bungie !
Even though the company has clarified that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ through which the Halo franchise ’ s entirely fictional supersoldier protagonist could combat the deadly illness , it is nonetheless heartwarming to see their team step up to the plate and take action during a crisis like this .
“ We at Bungie want to make sure we are doing our part in the battle against Covid-19 , so we would like to let everyone know that Master Chief is free to help out , although , we have to admit , it ’ s unclear to us what that would even look @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Parsons in a video statement that was livestreamed to thousands of fans .
“ This is a serious crisis , and we ’ d like to help as much as we can , so we want to let you know that Master Chief is there—or would be there if such a thing were possible .
But maybe it is possible , somehow ?
Huh ... ” “ Look , what I ’ m saying is that we would like to have him fight this thing , so if someone could just help us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ actually happen , that would be great , ” added Parsons .
Wow , it ’ s truly incredible to see such an important voice in the gaming industry give back , or at least try to .
When things can seem so bleak at a time like this , Bungie is giving all us gamers a powerful , albeit sort of unclear , glimmer of hope .
In fact , maybe this is downright reassuring , huh , gamers ?
Maybe ?
While they still might have a fair amount of stuff @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say they ’ re doing a much better job than Ubisoft with their response to the pandemic , as the Assassin ’ s Creed developers have recently announced that the assassins from their franchise would be helping spread the virus as fast as humanly possible .

As the Covid-19 pandemic continues to spread, companies are chipping in to help with relief efforts any way they can, and Bungie is no exception. The acclaimed video game developer has recently announced that the series star, Master Chief himself, is available to fight the coronavirus, although they aren’t exactly sure how to make that happen.
That’d be pretty inspiring if they could figure out a way to make that work, wouldn’t it? Yeah! Go Bungie!
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Even though the company has clarified that they are unsure of the exact mechanism through which the Halo franchise’s entirely fictional supersoldier protagonist could combat the deadly illness, it is nonetheless heartwarming to see their team step up to the plate and take action during a crisis like this.
“We at Bungie want to make sure we are doing our part in the battle against Covid-19, so we would like to let everyone know that Master Chief is free to help out, although, we have to admit, it’s unclear to us what that would even look like,” said Bungie CEO Pete Parsons in a video statement that was livestreamed to thousands of fans. “This is a serious crisis, and we’d like to help as much as we can, so we want to let you know that Master Chief is there—or would be there if such a thing were possible. But maybe it is possible, somehow? Huh...”
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“Look, what I’m saying is that we would like to have him fight this thing, so if someone could just help us figure out how or if that can actually happen, that would be great,” added Parsons.
Wow, it’s truly incredible to see such an important voice in the gaming industry give back, or at least try to. When things can seem so bleak at a time like this, Bungie is giving all us gamers a powerful, albeit sort of unclear, glimmer of hope.
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In fact, maybe this is downright reassuring, huh, gamers? Maybe? While they still might have a fair amount of stuff to work out, we can definitely say they’re doing a much better job than Ubisoft with their response to the pandemic, as the Assassin’s Creed developers have recently announced that the assassins from their franchise would be helping spread the virus as fast as humanly possible.


theonion--2020-04-16--Names For William H. Macy Around The World

Though the Turkic peoples of the remote Kirghiz Steppe do not prohibit spelling out the name of William H. Macy @ @ @ @ @ the population strictly avoids writing the name of the exalted actor as a sign of @ @ @ @ @ substitute dashes or empty space in place of letters and regarding him solely as W——— @ @ @

Though the Turkic peoples of the remote Kirghiz Steppe do not prohibit spelling out the name of William H. Macy per se, most of the population strictly avoids writing the name of the exalted actor as a sign of respect, choosing instead to substitute dashes or empty space in place of letters and regarding him solely as W——— H. M—-.


theonion--2020-04-16--‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democrati

‘I Congratulate Joe Biden, A Very Decent Man,’ Says Bernie Sanders In Unprovoked Attack On Democratic Party Unity

The gloves are off .
But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser , or does he @ @ @ @ @ four years of President Trump ?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

The gloves are off. But is former presidential contender Bernie Sanders just a sore loser, or does he really want to see another four years of President Trump?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-16--Boyfriend Announces Plan To Spend Infuriating Afternoon Speaking In Australian Accent

SEATTLE—Bursting out of his bedroom and yelling “ G ’ day , mate ” at everyone within earshot , local boyfriend James Fitzpatrick announced plans Thursday to spend an infuriating afternoon speaking in an Australian accent .
“ For the next several excruciating hours , I pledge to reference Steve Irwin and Outback Steakhouse commercials , and repeatedly ask my girlfriend if she would like me to ‘ throw some shrimp on the barbie , ’ ” said Fitzpatrick , who , wearing nothing but his underwear , then proceeded to point and yell “ crikey ” over and over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Starting right now , I will work tirelessly to incorporate the words ‘ koala , ’ ‘ boomerang , ’ and ‘ didgeridoo ’ into every sentence I say , regardless of if it makes sense or not .
And let me be clear , I do not care if you have huge headphones on , or are actively trying to ignore me .
In fact , that will only make me do this more .
Now , who loves Vegemite ?
” At press time , Fitzpatrick further announced plans for his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jamaican accent throughout the day .

OnionNews on Local, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

SEATTLE—Bursting out of his bedroom and yelling “G’day, mate” at everyone within earshot, local boyfriend James Fitzpatrick announced plans Thursday to spend an infuriating afternoon speaking in an Australian accent. “For the next several excruciating hours, I pledge to reference Steve Irwin and Outback Steakhouse commercials, and repeatedly ask my girlfriend if she would like me to ‘throw some shrimp on the barbie,’” said Fitzpatrick, who, wearing nothing but his underwear, then proceeded to point and yell “crikey” over and over again at nothing in particular. “Starting right now, I will work tirelessly to incorporate the words ‘koala,’ ‘boomerang,’ and ‘didgeridoo’ into every sentence I say, regardless of if it makes sense or not. And let me be clear, I do not care if you have huge headphones on, or are actively trying to ignore me. In fact, that will only make me do this more. Now, who loves Vegemite?” At press time, Fitzpatrick further announced plans for his Australian accent to awkwardly shift into a Jamaican accent throughout the day.


theonion--2020-04-16--Report: Probably Best Not To Even Think About Crazy Virus Currently Brewing Inside Axolotl

WASHINGTON—Citing various pieces of data that would certainly not help your mental health at the moment , scientists confirmed Thursday that it was probably best not to even think about whatever crazy virus currently brewing inside the world ’ s axolotls .
“ While you may be tempted to let yourself think about axolotls and the disgusting microbes within them that could rapidly mutate into a fatal , incurable disease , we advise against even contemplating the idea , ” said the report author Dr. Greg Fritzk , adding that while axolotls ’ gills , organs , and digestive tracts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ capable of infecting humans , you should put that out of your mind .
“ Consider , for instance , how unhealthy it would be to let yourself go down a rabbit hole where you obsess about these amphibians , and how any one of them could kick off the plague that finally , violently , wipes out humanity as we know it .
That is why we suggest going back to the way things were , and simply forgetting that axolotls exist at all.
” At press time , Fritzk added that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the fact that this deadly virus probably existed , and was already coming to finish us all off .

WASHINGTON—Citing various pieces of data that would certainly not help your mental health at the moment, scientists confirmed Thursday that it was probably best not to even think about whatever crazy virus currently brewing inside the world’s axolotls. “While you may be tempted to let yourself think about axolotls and the disgusting microbes within them that could rapidly mutate into a fatal, incurable disease, we advise against even contemplating the idea,” said the report author Dr. Greg Fritzk, adding that while axolotls’ gills, organs, and digestive tracts were likely teeming with fucked-up deadly pathogens capable of infecting humans, you should put that out of your mind. “Consider, for instance, how unhealthy it would be to let yourself go down a rabbit hole where you obsess about these amphibians, and how any one of them could kick off the plague that finally, violently, wipes out humanity as we know it. That is why we suggest going back to the way things were, and simply forgetting that axolotls exist at all.” At press time, Fritzk added that it was best not to think about the fact that this deadly virus probably existed, and was already coming to finish us all off.


theonion--2020-04-16--‘Barber…I Was A Barber,’ Says Man Struggling To Recall Life Before Pandemic

NEW YORK—Racking his brain for some detail of the life he lived before quarantine measures began , local man Eric Leverett told reporters Thursday , “ I was a barber…a barber , that ’ s right , ” as he struggled to remember how he spent his days before the coronavirus pandemic struck .
“ Yes , yes , it ’ s coming back to me now : I had a job , a place I went to almost every day , where I used some kind of sharpened blades to make people ’ s hair shorter , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ glass containers full of strange liquids flashing through his memory as he attempted to piece together dimly recalled fragments of the world he inhabited prior to March 2020 .
“ Mirrors…there were mirrors everywhere…and there was a constant buzzing , for some reason .
Also—this is the funniest thing—I had some sort of cape I used to fasten around people ’ s necks .
I honestly couldn ’ t tell you why , but I ’ m pretty sure about that part .
This was all , of course , a long , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Leverett acknowledged to reporters that this scenario did seem a bit far-fetched , and that in all likelihood , his mind was simply playing tricks on him .

NEW YORK—Racking his brain for some detail of the life he lived before quarantine measures began, local man Eric Leverett told reporters Thursday, “I was a barber…a barber, that’s right,” as he struggled to remember how he spent his days before the coronavirus pandemic struck. “Yes, yes, it’s coming back to me now: I had a job, a place I went to almost every day, where I used some kind of sharpened blades to make people’s hair shorter,” said Leverett, images of swivel chairs and glass containers full of strange liquids flashing through his memory as he attempted to piece together dimly recalled fragments of the world he inhabited prior to March 2020. “Mirrors…there were mirrors everywhere…and there was a constant buzzing, for some reason. Also—this is the funniest thing—I had some sort of cape I used to fasten around people’s necks. I honestly couldn’t tell you why, but I’m pretty sure about that part. This was all, of course, a long, long time ago.” At press time, Leverett acknowledged to reporters that this scenario did seem a bit far-fetched, and that in all likelihood, his mind was simply playing tricks on him.


theonion--2020-04-16--Global Economy Expected To Shrink 3% Due To Pandemic

The International Monetary Fund predicted the world economy will shrink roughly 3 % in 2020 as governments and businesses struggle @ @ @ @ @ , setting off the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ better hope it doesn ’ t end up shrinking by 4 % instead , or @ @ @ @ @ look like a bunch of idiots.
” “ Perhaps this is the wake-up call we @ @ @ @ @ money.
” “ We ’ ll never be happy until we learn to love our @ @ @ @ @ ”

The International Monetary Fund predicted the world economy will shrink roughly 3% in 2020 as governments and businesses struggle to recover from the coronavirus, setting off the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression. What do you think?
“The IMF better hope it doesn’t end up shrinking by 4% instead, or they’re going to look like a bunch of idiots.” Nate Adelman • Whittler
“Perhaps this is the wake-up call we need to really start appreciating money.” Adam Incalcaterra • Courtroom Designer
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theonion--2020-04-17--Netflix Now Worth More Than Disney

Netflix Now Worth More Than Disney

With more people streaming entertainment at home as the coronavirus leaves brick-and-mortar businesses closed , Netflix is now worth $ @ @ @ @ @ billion more than Disney , which is struggling due to delayed movie releases and shuttered @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ It seems wrong to put a monetary value on something as @ @ @ @ @ corporation.
” “ And that ’ s with the three DVDs I never returned.
” @ @ @ @ @ me , I need to cancel my Disney+ account .
”

With more people streaming entertainment at home as the coronavirus leaves brick-and-mortar businesses closed, Netflix is now worth $194 billion, $10 billion more than Disney, which is struggling due to delayed movie releases and shuttered theme parks. What do you think?
“It seems wrong to put a monetary value on something as unique and special as a corporation.” Jessica Chung • Tinsmith
“And that’s with the three DVDs I never returned.” Clark Dabney • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-04-17--Potential Ways For Sports To Restart During Coronavirus

The coronavirus pandemic has virtually halted U.S. sports , but calls for sports to restart to provide entertainment for a @ @ @ @ @ some leagues to explore creative options to resume play .
The Onion looks at potential @ @ @ @ @ restart during coronavirus .
NBA : Help prevent virus ’ s spread by giving each @ @ @ @ @ ball .
WWE : Only allow wrestlers to perform body slams through large plexiglass shields @ @ @ @ @ to any player who gives another player coronavirus .
MLB : Require players to wear @ @ @ @ @ .
WNBA : Have floor cleaners regularly run out and mop droplets out of the @ @ @ @ @ on—those guys are too tough to get infected .
NFL : Draw on extensive experience @ @ @ @ @ crisis to power through season .

The coronavirus pandemic has virtually halted U.S. sports, but calls for sports to restart to provide entertainment for a largely home-bound nation have led some leagues to explore creative options to resume play. The Onion looks at potential ways for sports leagues to restart during coronavirus.
NBA: Help prevent virus’s spread by giving each player on court his own ball.
WWE: Only allow wrestlers to perform body slams through large plexiglass shields.
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MLS: Yellow card to any player who gives another player coronavirus.
MLB: Require players to wear baseball gloves on both hands.
WNBA: Have floor cleaners regularly run out and mop droplets out of the air.
NASCAR: Limit pileups to 10 cars or fewer.
NHL: Play on—those guys are too tough to get infected.
NFL: Draw on extensive experience of downplaying a public health crisis to power through season.


theonion--2020-04-17--Report: Rising Market Instability Driving More Countries To Peg Currencies To Akon’s Akoin

WASHINGTON—As the shock of Covid-19 continues to roil world markets , a report published Friday by the International Monetary Fund has found that more countries are choosing to peg their national currencies to Akoin , the cryptocurrency of musician and entrepreneur Akon .
“ Given the volatility of exchanges , we want our currency to have the backing that only the singer of ‘ Smack That ’ can provide , ” said President Simonetta Sommaruga of Switzerland , which considered tying the value of its free-floating franc to the U.S. dollar or the euro , but instead opted for Akoin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and potential for future growth .
“ Our greatest hope of riding out this economic downturn is to reap the benefits provided by what we believe will soon become the world ’ s new reserve currency .
In fact , our next step will be to phase out the franc entirely and adopt Akoin as our official medium of exchange .
We expect investor confidence to reach an all-time high once every Swiss transaction is conducted with a financial instrument that comes with the full faith and credit of the artist who scored @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Snoop Dogg on ‘ I Wan na Fuck You ’ —especially after we install Akoin ATMs nationwide.
” Sommaruga also expressed optimism that Switzerland would fulfill Akoin ’ s stated mission of one day creating a real-life Wakanda .

WASHINGTON—As the shock of Covid-19 continues to roil world markets, a report published Friday by the International Monetary Fund has found that more countries are choosing to peg their national currencies to Akoin, the cryptocurrency of musician and entrepreneur Akon. “Given the volatility of exchanges, we want our currency to have the backing that only the singer of ‘Smack That’ can provide,” said President Simonetta Sommaruga of Switzerland, which considered tying the value of its free-floating franc to the U.S. dollar or the euro, but instead opted for Akoin, with officials citing its comparative stability and potential for future growth. “Our greatest hope of riding out this economic downturn is to reap the benefits provided by what we believe will soon become the world’s new reserve currency. In fact, our next step will be to phase out the franc entirely and adopt Akoin as our official medium of exchange. We expect investor confidence to reach an all-time high once every Swiss transaction is conducted with a financial instrument that comes with the full faith and credit of the artist who scored a Grammy nomination for his collaboration with Snoop Dogg on ‘I Wanna Fuck You’—especially after we install Akoin ATMs nationwide.” Sommaruga also expressed optimism that Switzerland would fulfill Akoin’s stated mission of one day creating a real-life Wakanda.