theonion--2020-02-13--Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d

Every Question We’ve Been Dying To Answer About The ‘Final Fantasy 7’ Remake, Plus A Few Things We’d Like To Know About What Happens After We Die

Ever since Sony ’ s E3 2015 announcement , anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch .
Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change , what the battle system might look like , and even more metaphysical questions about the nature of the afterlife , and what exactly it will be like after our souls leave our bodies .
Here are a few of the biggest details we ’ re dying to know about the upcoming Square @ @ @ @ @ @ @ questions we here at OGN still have about what happens to us after we die .
Will the classic Final Fantasy 7 story be kept intact ?
Director Tetsuya Nomura has insisted that they don ’ t want the new Final Fantasy to just be a 1:1 remake of the original , and that some aspects of the story have been updated for more modern and sophisticated audiences .
That being said , most of the major plot points are expected to remain the same , and fans should look forward to enjoying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Red XIII , and Tifa .
After death , will we get to see all our family and friends who have passed away from the mortal world ?
We hope the answer to this one is a resounding “ Yes ” because it would be really sad otherwise .
Even if heaven is a great place , we wouldn ’ t want to have an afterlife where we are all alone or didn ’ t know the people around us .
It is comforting to think of being reunited with our loved @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know if it is true or just wishful thinking .
What changes will be made to the turn-based combat system ?
In what may be the biggest change from the classic game , it seems the old turn-based combat system is being overhauled with a more action-oriented system similar to Final Fantasy 15 .
As you attack , dodge , and block in real time , players will fill up a meter to execute special moves .
It seems like an interesting mash-up of the old ’ 90s system and newer RPGs , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ able to opt for an entirely turn-based version of the classic system .
Will we exist as fully formed humans up there ?
Or is it only our spirit which shall live on ?
Specifically what we ’ re concerned about here is whether you walk around in the afterlife realm , perhaps hand-in-hand with a spouse or loved one ?
Will you still have a face and a body , or is the afterlife just a place for our minds , like a state of being that ’ s impossible to imagine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at OGN all like to think we are good people , but the concept of Hell is still frightening .
It seems cruel to sentence a flawed human being to an eternity of suffering when we are all flawed in some way .
Still , shouldn ’ t there be some punishment for evil as well ?
It wouldn ’ t be fair for everyone to end up in the same place no matter how we lived .
Can there be good without evil ?
Light without darkness ?
And what sort of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beings who can commit horrendous acts of violence and then punish them for exactly those deeds ?
How big will the final game be ?
This is one of the most burning questions out there for gamers , and thankfully we ’ ve gotten confirmation that the remake is so huge it will be split up into multiple entries .
That ’ s right , these redesigned areas are apparently massive reimagining , with the first release taking place entirely within the city of Midgar .
That ’ s a huge game !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ afterlife ?
It would be sad to never eat a nice fresh-baked loaf of bread or a chocolate bar again , but if you could eat and drink would that mean you also get hungry ?
We would hate not having coffee for all eternity .
Maybe you can eat and drink however much you want and never get full ?
This actually opens up a lot more questions .
Will our pets be there ?
We miss our dog , Oreo , a lot and would want to see her again .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ passing away , but it ’ s much easier if we know she ’ s waiting up there for us with that big happy smile on her face .

Ever since Sony’s E3 2015 announcement, anticipation for the Final Fantasy 7 remake has been building to a fever pitch. Knowing one of the most beloved titles in gaming history would be remade has sparked frenzied speculation about how the story might change, what the battle system might look like, and even more metaphysical questions about the nature of the afterlife, and what exactly it will be like after our souls leave our bodies. Here are a few of the biggest details we’re dying to know about the upcoming Square Enix blockbuster, and a few big questions we here at OGN still have about what happens to us after we die.
Will the classic Final Fantasy 7 story be kept intact?
Director Tetsuya Nomura has insisted that they don’t want the new Final Fantasy to just be a 1:1 remake of the original, and that some aspects of the story have been updated for more modern and sophisticated audiences. That being said, most of the major plot points are expected to remain the same, and fans should look forward to enjoying most of their favorite moments with Cloud, Red XIII, and Tifa.
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After death, will we get to see all our family and friends who have passed away from the mortal world?
We hope the answer to this one is a resounding “Yes” because it would be really sad otherwise. Even if heaven is a great place, we wouldn’t want to have an afterlife where we are all alone or didn’t know the people around us. It is comforting to think of being reunited with our loved ones, but we don’t know if it is true or just wishful thinking.
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What changes will be made to the turn-based combat system?
In what may be the biggest change from the classic game, it seems the old turn-based combat system is being overhauled with a more action-oriented system similar to Final Fantasy 15. As you attack, dodge, and block in real time, players will fill up a meter to execute special moves. It seems like an interesting mash-up of the old ’90s system and newer RPGs, although players who wish to will be able to opt for an entirely turn-based version of the classic system.
Advertisement
Will we exist as fully formed humans up there? Or is it only our spirit which shall live on?
Specifically what we’re concerned about here is whether you walk around in the afterlife realm, perhaps hand-in-hand with a spouse or loved one? Will you still have a face and a body, or is the afterlife just a place for our minds, like a state of being that’s impossible to imagine with our earthly minds?
Advertisement
Is Hell real?
We here at OGN all like to think we are good people, but the concept of Hell is still frightening. It seems cruel to sentence a flawed human being to an eternity of suffering when we are all flawed in some way. Still, shouldn’t there be some punishment for evil as well? It wouldn’t be fair for everyone to end up in the same place no matter how we lived. Can there be good without evil? Light without darkness? And what sort of just all-powerful creator would knowingly create human beings who can commit horrendous acts of violence and then punish them for exactly those deeds?
Advertisement
How big will the final game be?
This is one of the most burning questions out there for gamers, and thankfully we’ve gotten confirmation that the remake is so huge it will be split up into multiple entries. That’s right, these redesigned areas are apparently massive reimagining, with the first release taking place entirely within the city of Midgar. That’s a huge game!
Advertisement
Can you eat and drink in the afterlife?
It would be sad to never eat a nice fresh-baked loaf of bread or a chocolate bar again, but if you could eat and drink would that mean you also get hungry? We would hate not having coffee for all eternity. Maybe you can eat and drink however much you want and never get full? This actually opens up a lot more questions.
Advertisement
Will our pets be there?
We miss our dog, Oreo, a lot and would want to see her again. It’s scary to think of passing away, but it’s much easier if we know she’s waiting up there for us with that big happy smile on her face.


theonion--2020-02-14--Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper

Love Sounds With Martha Saunders: How I Learned To Love Valentine’s Day After A Nude Man In A Diaper Killed My Father With A Bow And Arrow

On a special Valentine ’ s Day edition of The Topical , join the host of OPR ’ s Love @ @ @ @ @ as she explores questions about sex , love , and a lot of other topics @ @ @ @ @ keep private .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance @ @ @ @ @ .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the @ @ @ @ @ Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to @ @ @ @ @ to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

On a special Valentine’s Day edition of The Topical, join the host of OPR’s Love Sounds, Martha Saunders, as she explores questions about sex, love, and a lot of other topics you would probably prefer to keep private.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-14--Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign

Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch

NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans , Michael Bloomberg ’ s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch .
“ We want to make sure black voters can ’ t walk down the street without hearing Mike ’ s message loud and clear , ” said campaign spokesperson Julie Wood , clarifying that canvassers have received training on the proper tactics for stopping black men and throwing them onto the ground while delivering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We ’ ve also instructed our canvassers to confiscate any materials supporting other candidates .
In some cases , we might actually take some men into custody and bring them back to campaign headquarters .
This is a massive undertaking that will run well beyond Super Tuesday .
We ’ ve already set up Bloomberg-branded vans in black neighborhoods across the country to spread our message .
It ’ ll all be worth it once these young black men hear what Bloomberg has to say about funding social security while they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an elbow digging into their backs.
” At press time , Bloomberg defended his campaign ’ s decision to stop black high schoolers on the street , insisting that they ’ d be of voting age soon enough .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

NEW YORK—Citing polling data that suggested the former mayor was tracking poorly among 18- to 25-year-old African Americans, Michael Bloomberg’s presidential campaign hired thousands of canvassers Friday to stop black men on the street and force them to hear his campaign pitch. “We want to make sure black voters can’t walk down the street without hearing Mike’s message loud and clear,” said campaign spokesperson Julie Wood, clarifying that canvassers have received training on the proper tactics for stopping black men and throwing them onto the ground while delivering Bloomberg’s talking points. “We’ve also instructed our canvassers to confiscate any materials supporting other candidates. In some cases, we might actually take some men into custody and bring them back to campaign headquarters. This is a massive undertaking that will run well beyond Super Tuesday. We’ve already set up Bloomberg-branded vans in black neighborhoods across the country to spread our message. It’ll all be worth it once these young black men hear what Bloomberg has to say about funding social security while they’re pressed up against a brick wall with an elbow digging into their backs.” At press time, Bloomberg defended his campaign’s decision to stop black high schoolers on the street, insisting that they’d be of voting age soon enough.


theonion--2020-02-14--Americans Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Americans Celebrate Valentine’s Day

Americans are projected to spend over $ 27 billion in total sales , or approximately $ 196 per person , @ @ @ @ @ this year .
How will you be celebrating Valentine ’ s Day ?
“ I @ @ @ @ @ teach my wife how to bowl.
” “ My partner and I prefer to keep @ @ @ @ @ just a full night of very kinky sex.
” “ Same way I always do @ @ @ @ @

Americans are projected to spend over $27 billion in total sales, or approximately $196 per person, on Valentine’s Day this year. How will you be celebrating Valentine’s Day?
“I’m finally going to teach my wife how to bowl.” Gustavo Reid • Systems Analyst
“My partner and I prefer to keep things simple, so probably just a full night of very kinky sex.” Tamara Gordon • Volunteer Scientist
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theonion--2020-02-14--A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal

A Guide To The USMCA Trade Deal

The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement , which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade , has been ratified @ @ @ @ @ Mexico .
The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA @ @ @ @ @ least 62.5 % of all North Americans must be cars .
U.S.–Canada cow swap every @ @ @ @ @ Both NAFTA and USMCA contain same number of vowels to make transition as smooth as @ @ @ @ @ terms extended to 70 years as personal favor to Jim Davis .
Agreement must be @ @ @ @ @ no matter how cringey it is for the countries to look back at what they @ @ @ @ @ .

The United States–Mexico–Canada Agreement, which would replace NAFTA as the act governing North American trade, has been ratified in both the U.S. and Mexico. The Onion takes a look at the most important components of the USMCA trade deal.
Stipulates at least 62.5% of all North Americans must be cars.
U.S.–Canada cow swap every other Saturday in Minnesota.
Both NAFTA and USMCA contain same number of vowels to make transition as smooth as possible.
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Cash only.
Removes NAFTA’s hated truck nut tariff.
Significantly strengthens labor violations.
Intellectual property copyright terms extended to 70 years as personal favor to Jim Davis.
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Completely revamps legal definition of what constitutes refried beans.
Agreement must be revisited in six years, no matter how cringey it is for the countries to look back at what they wrote when they were younger.


theonion--2020-02-14--Nevada Addresses Concerns About Election Security By Switching To Electronic Voters

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus , the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters .
“ There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their votes on paper , but we believe we can greatly reduce inaccuracies by digitizing the entire process , including the voters themselves , ” said party chair William McCurdy , who explained that electronic voters select candidates faster and more precisely than their human counterparts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the correct candidate immediately and eliminating the need to contest the outcome .
“ We originally planned to use a new app to tabulate votes , but after witnessing the difficulties experienced in Iowa ’ s caucuses , we thought , ‘ Why not use an app to cast the votes , too ?
’ It ’ s far more efficient than systems we ’ ve used in the past , and the best part is that the results will be available as soon as—well , now , if you ’ d like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ confirmed the Nevada party had awarded Joe Biden the 1,990 delegates necessary to secure the Democratic nomination for president .

LAS VEGAS—In an effort to ensure reliable results in its Feb. 22 presidential caucus, the Nevada State Democratic Party announced Friday that it had addressed election security concerns by upgrading to a new system of electronic voters. “There is a lot of potential for human error when you have people recording their votes on paper, but we believe we can greatly reduce inaccuracies by digitizing the entire process, including the voters themselves,” said party chair William McCurdy, who explained that electronic voters select candidates faster and more precisely than their human counterparts, allowing delegates to be awarded to the correct candidate immediately and eliminating the need to contest the outcome. “We originally planned to use a new app to tabulate votes, but after witnessing the difficulties experienced in Iowa’s caucuses, we thought, ‘Why not use an app to cast the votes, too?’ It’s far more efficient than systems we’ve used in the past, and the best part is that the results will be available as soon as—well, now, if you’d like them.” At press time, sources confirmed the Nevada party had awarded Joe Biden the 1,990 delegates necessary to secure the Democratic nomination for president.


theonion--2020-02-14--Report Finds Average U.S. College Student Over $28,000 In Debt To Yakuza

NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble , the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $ 28,000 in debt to Japan ’ s Yakuza crime syndicate .
“ It ’ s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds become involved with such an organization without realizing how it might affect their post-collegiate careers , ” the report read in part , going on to describe how tattooed gangsters are often placed directly on campus to coerce students into signing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ceremony .
“ We have found that , sometime towards the end of their senior year , a student opens their door to find the oyabun , dressed in a primly pressed suit and flanked by sunglasses-wearing henchmen , ready to collect .
A few students have been able to clear their debt but only by spending a decade working overseas as an assassin .
However , we do concede that , compared to loans currently offered by financial institutions such as Sallie Mae , the Yakuza does provide more favorable interest rates.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Yakuza do make some income-based repayment plans available , more and more students are opting to settle their debt by simply having their fingers cut off .

NEW YORK—In a report that only adds to concerns over the looming student debt bubble, the Institute For College Access & Success released a report Friday revealing that the average U.S. college student is over $28,000 in debt to Japan’s Yakuza crime syndicate. “It’s deeply unfortunate to see so many 18-year-olds become involved with such an organization without realizing how it might affect their post-collegiate careers,” the report read in part, going on to describe how tattooed gangsters are often placed directly on campus to coerce students into signing loan agreements during a traditional bathhouse sake ceremony. “We have found that, sometime towards the end of their senior year, a student opens their door to find the oyabun, dressed in a primly pressed suit and flanked by sunglasses-wearing henchmen, ready to collect. A few students have been able to clear their debt but only by spending a decade working overseas as an assassin. However, we do concede that, compared to loans currently offered by financial institutions such as Sallie Mae, the Yakuza does provide more favorable interest rates.” Kirsch also noted that while the Yakuza do make some income-based repayment plans available, more and more students are opting to settle their debt by simply having their fingers cut off.


theonion--2020-02-14--BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050

BP Plans To Be Carbon-Neutral By 2050

Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing @ @ @ @ @ in green energy , though critics claim the plan does not go far enough .
@ @ @ @ @ “ This is the kind of ambitious empty promise we need from all the big @ @ @ @ @ , they must be distracting us from an absolutely massive oil spill.
” “ As @ @ @ @ @ really disappointing .
”

Oil giant BP has pledged to shrink its carbon footprint to net zero within the next 30 years by reducing greenhouse gas emissions and investing in green energy, though critics claim the plan does not go far enough. What do you think?
“This is the kind of ambitious empty promise we need from all the big oil companies.” Ray Figueroa • Fish Breeder
“Man, they must be distracting us from an absolutely massive oil spill.” Lynne Frank • Memorabilia Producer
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theonion--2020-02-14--Couple Takes Weekend Trip Outside City To Get Away From All The Arts And Culture

ELK GROVE VILLAGE , IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation , local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture .
“ It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks all the time , so it helps to occasionally take a little trip out to the suburbs , ” said Lefeld , 34 , explaining that the excursion would allow the two of them to escape the relentlessness of human @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I see that first strip mall , I just feel myself start to unwind .
It ’ s nice to be somewhere where there ’ s just one diner with mediocre sandwiches , and not have to deal with the seemingly endless array of unique and enticing cuisine options from around the world that comes with living in the city .
It ’ s only a short trip , but it will be nice to soak up the monotony while we can.
” Lefeld added that the couple had left at rush hour @ @ @ @ @ @ @ traffic as possible on their journey .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

ELK GROVE VILLAGE, IL—Looking forward to a couple days devoid of any kind of mental stimulation, local couple Owen Lefeld and Emma Douglas set off on a weekend trip outside the city Friday to get away from all the arts and culture. “It can feel so suffocating being surrounded by all these world-class museums and parks all the time, so it helps to occasionally take a little trip out to the suburbs,” said Lefeld, 34, explaining that the excursion would allow the two of them to escape the relentlessness of human intellectual achievement. “As soon as I see that first strip mall, I just feel myself start to unwind. It’s nice to be somewhere where there’s just one diner with mediocre sandwiches, and not have to deal with the seemingly endless array of unique and enticing cuisine options from around the world that comes with living in the city. It’s only a short trip, but it will be nice to soak up the monotony while we can.” Lefeld added that the couple had left at rush hour to ensure they would hit as much traffic as possible on their journey.


theonion--2020-02-14--The Most Unforgettable Video Game Levels Of All Time

There ’ s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level : some are agonizing , others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics .
Either way , the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays .
Here is OGN ’ s definitive list of the greatest video game levels of all time .
This level offers gamers the quintessential Mario Kart experience of selecting Toad , driving off the track , and plummeting into the empty void that surrounds in hopes that it will kill this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disappointed as he returns yet again .
Perhaps the most iconic level in one of history ’ s greatest first-person shooters , where Master Chief must fight off a horde of alien zombies called the Flood through the titular Library so he can return his copy of Simone de Beauvoir ’ s The Ethics of Ambiguity .
While earlier games like Crash Bandicoot may have beaten this title to the punch by forcing gamers to participate in the mass shooting of civilians , we can all agree that Modern Warfare 2 performed this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will never be forgotten .
The title of this legendary level is so ominous that we ’ ve never worked up the courage to play it , threw away our copy of the game , and will begin loudly whimpering if anyone so much as mentions it .
The Legend Of Zelda : Ocarina Of Time , Water Temple : This water-logged puzzle dungeon was certainly frustrating at times , but nothing could beat the feeling of satisfaction that came with buying a licensed walkthrough from Nintendo and doing exactly what it said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heist to end all bank heists .
This level nailed every detail , from the exact model of police helicopters used by NYPD to the sensitive bank documents that contained several Rockstar programmers ’ real Social Security numbers .
Focusing on the fast-moving cars , disappearing logs , and snapping crocodiles becomes all the more difficult after Frogger ’ s wife calls and tells him she ’ s been thinking a lot recently , and they should talk when he gets home .

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

There’s nothing like the satisfaction of capping off a truly legendary gaming level: some are agonizing, others are simply packed with unforgettable details and game mechanics. Either way, the most iconic and memorable will stand the test of time and continue rewarding replays. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the greatest video game levels of all time.
Mario Kart 64, Rainbow Road:
This level offers gamers the quintessential Mario Kart experience of selecting Toad, driving off the track, and plummeting into the empty void that surrounds in hopes that it will kill this foul mushroom-headed beast, only to be disappointed as he returns yet again.
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Halo, The Library:
Perhaps the most iconic level in one of history’s greatest first-person shooters, where Master Chief must fight off a horde of alien zombies called the Flood through the titular Library so he can return his copy of Simone de Beauvoir’s The Ethics of Ambiguity.
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Call Of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, No Russian:
While earlier games like Crash Bandicoot may have beaten this title to the punch by forcing gamers to participate in the mass shooting of civilians, we can all agree that Modern Warfare 2 performed this emotional gut punch in a way that will never be forgotten.
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Half-Life 2, “We Don’t Go To Ravenholm…”:
The title of this legendary level is so ominous that we’ve never worked up the courage to play it, threw away our copy of the game, and will begin loudly whimpering if anyone so much as mentions it.
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The Legend Of Zelda: Ocarina Of Time, Water Temple:
This water-logged puzzle dungeon was certainly frustrating at times, but nothing could beat the feeling of satisfaction that came with buying a licensed walkthrough from Nintendo and doing exactly what it said for 45 minutes straight.
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Grand Theft Auto IV: Three Leaf Clover:
The bank heist to end all bank heists. This level nailed every detail, from the exact model of police helicopters used by NYPD to the sensitive bank documents that contained several Rockstar programmers’ real Social Security numbers.
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Frogger, Level 3:
Focusing on the fast-moving cars, disappearing logs, and snapping crocodiles becomes all the more difficult after Frogger’s wife calls and tells him she’s been thinking a lot recently, and they should talk when he gets home.


theonion--2020-02-15--Hope Hicks Returns To White House

Hope Hicks Returns To White House

Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller ’ s investigation , @ @ @ @ @ Trump administration as a senior advisor .
What do you think ?
“ It takes @ @ @ @ @ that they love making money.
” “ I always thought it was a shame she @ @ @ @ @ to be properly fired .
”

Two years after resigning her position as White House communications director amidst Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation, Hope Hicks is rejoining the Trump administration as a senior advisor. What do you think?
“So, I guess the book deal didn’t pan out.” Sam Terry • Tile Installer
“It takes a big person to admit that they love making money.” Claire Gibbs • Assistant Maestro
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theonion--2020-02-17--Tyson Foods Orders Trump To Cease And Desist

The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse @ @ @ @ @ The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the @ @ @ @ @ App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL @ @ @ @ @ you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a @ @ @ @ @ issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

The Trump campaign received a cease-and-desist letter this morning from Tyson Foods demanding that the president stop playing their slaughterhouse recordings at his rallies.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-17--Waiter Asks If Couple Would Like To Pack Him Up In Little Box And Take Him Home For Later

OMAHA , NE—Emphasizing that it was no problem at all and that he ’ d be happy to grab a to-go container , a couple at the Midtown Bar & Grille told reporters Monday that their waiter Aaron Sadelaer asked them if they ’ d like to pack him up in a little box and take him home for later .
“ Just give me two minutes , I ’ ll get you the check , and then I ’ ll get yours truly , a.k.a .
the Aaron Special , all wrapped up for you in no time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to himself , adding that while he was best enjoyed hot and fresh out of the kitchen , he ’ d also be just as good as either a midnight snack or a guilty treat the next day .
“ No , no , please !
You two have barely touched me .
Look , I know I come in a big portion size , but it would be such a shame if someone let something as delicious as the head waiter of Midtown Bar & Grille go to waste .
Seriously , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ little extra marinara that you can dip me in tomorrow—my treat !
Now , who wants dessert ?
” At press time , Sadelaer was reportedly panicking after the couple had opted to pack him up and take him from the restaurant , only to accidentally leave him in their car overnight .

OMAHA, NE—Emphasizing that it was no problem at all and that he’d be happy to grab a to-go container, a couple at the Midtown Bar & Grille told reporters Monday that their waiter Aaron Sadelaer asked them if they’d like to pack him up in a little box and take him home for later. “Just give me two minutes, I’ll get you the check, and then I’ll get yours truly, a.k.a. the Aaron Special, all wrapped up for you in no time,” said the 27-year-old as he beckoned to himself, adding that while he was best enjoyed hot and fresh out of the kitchen, he’d also be just as good as either a midnight snack or a guilty treat the next day. “No, no, please! You two have barely touched me. Look, I know I come in a big portion size, but it would be such a shame if someone let something as delicious as the head waiter of Midtown Bar & Grille go to waste. Seriously, I’ll even throw in a little extra marinara that you can dip me in tomorrow—my treat! Now, who wants dessert?” At press time, Sadelaer was reportedly panicking after the couple had opted to pack him up and take him from the restaurant, only to accidentally leave him in their car overnight.


theonion--2020-02-17--Experts Recommend Tuning Them Out And Just Trying To Enjoy Your Life

BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence , researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they ’ re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try to enjoy your life .
“ Look , as experts in our various fields , we absolutely mean well , but it seems like every week now we ’ re conducting extensive research on what you should and shouldn ’ t be eating , how much you should be exercising @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to you , whether you ’ re having enough of the right kind of sex , how much you should be worrying about work versus your quality of life , when to forgive family members who have wronged you , even how much you should or shouldn ’ t sleep—anyway , the point is that the best thing for you right now is probably just to stop listening to us at all and just do what makes you feel good , ” said Adrienne Sanchez , lead research scientist on several projects you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about .
“ One week we tell you to eat as many eggs as you can , the next we tell you eggs are killing you , the week after that it ’ s the yolks—we get it , it ’ s exhausting .
Even now , I was coming out here to share some supposed ‘ breakthrough ’ in modern wellness , but honestly , what you most need to hear is that you ’ re going to die someday no matter what , so maybe just take good basic care and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re still here.
” Sanchez noted that experts would gladly make any and all new study results available in case anyone is interested but recommended the best course of action would be to try and not concern yourself with them , honestly .

BALTIMORE—Citing several in-depth studies that would likely make you second-guess the only gratifying and pleasurable parts of your existence, researchers at Johns Hopkins University announced Monday that the only recommendation they’re making at this time is that you tune out experts such as themselves and just try to enjoy your life. “Look, as experts in our various fields, we absolutely mean well, but it seems like every week now we’re conducting extensive research on what you should and shouldn’t be eating, how much you should be exercising, how much screen time is detrimental to you, whether you’re having enough of the right kind of sex, how much you should be worrying about work versus your quality of life, when to forgive family members who have wronged you, even how much you should or shouldn’t sleep—anyway, the point is that the best thing for you right now is probably just to stop listening to us at all and just do what makes you feel good,” said Adrienne Sanchez, lead research scientist on several projects you’re definitely better off not knowing about. “One week we tell you to eat as many eggs as you can, the next we tell you eggs are killing you, the week after that it’s the yolks—we get it, it’s exhausting. Even now, I was coming out here to share some supposed ‘breakthrough’ in modern wellness, but honestly, what you most need to hear is that you’re going to die someday no matter what, so maybe just take good basic care and try to have a nice time while you’re still here.” Sanchez noted that experts would gladly make any and all new study results available in case anyone is interested but recommended the best course of action would be to try and not concern yourself with them, honestly.


theonion--2020-02-17--Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For Fi

Parenting Experts Reveal Forcing Child To Shoot Dying Pet Only Teaches Lesson About Mortality For First 5 Or So Times

NASHVILLE , TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households , early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or so times they do it .
“ Despite the long-held belief that some important life lessons are best taught by having your child place the muzzle of a firearm between the soft and pleading eyes of a beloved puppy or kitten and pulling the trigger , intensive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ experience emotional growth after shooting their fourth or fifth animal , and the repeated slaughter of beloved pets may actually begin to have an effect opposite from that intended , ” said lead researcher Margaret Franklin , adding that the results were the same whether the animal being shot was a beagle , Scottish Fold kitten , guinea pig , or even an iguana .
“ We tested this extensively , with one group of children shotgunning over 40 animals from as many as 12 species , and in each case , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as early as pet number three .
After that point , rather than learning a healthy respect for death , children become numb to it , in many cases even begin actively seeking the power associated with it.
” At this point in the study , Franklin could neither confirm nor deny that substituting of the children ’ s aging grandparents might be more effective .

NASHVILLE, TN—Shedding new light on what has long been an article of faith in many American households, early education researchers at Vanderbilt University announced new findings Monday which indicate that forcing a child to shoot a dying pet will only teach them an important lesson about mortality the first five or so times they do it. “Despite the long-held belief that some important life lessons are best taught by having your child place the muzzle of a firearm between the soft and pleading eyes of a beloved puppy or kitten and pulling the trigger, intensive research unequivocally demonstrates that children do not experience emotional growth after shooting their fourth or fifth animal, and the repeated slaughter of beloved pets may actually begin to have an effect opposite from that intended,” said lead researcher Margaret Franklin, adding that the results were the same whether the animal being shot was a beagle, Scottish Fold kitten, guinea pig, or even an iguana. “We tested this extensively, with one group of children shotgunning over 40 animals from as many as 12 species, and in each case, we began to see diminishing returns, some as early as pet number three. After that point, rather than learning a healthy respect for death, children become numb to it, in many cases even begin actively seeking the power associated with it.” At this point in the study, Franklin could neither confirm nor deny that substituting of the children’s aging grandparents might be more effective.


theonion--2020-02-17--Pope Francis Attempts To Compromise On Rule-Change Proposals By Allowing Priests To Marry Him

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to find middle ground between liberal factions hoping to modernize the church and conservative forces seeking to preserve orthodoxy , Pope Francis issued a new decree Friday that will permanently change Roman Catholic doctrine by permitting all priests to marry him .
“ While we respect the vow of celibacy as a sacred choice , we hope to bring more men into the priesthood by giving them the option to participate in married life with His Holiness , ” said Vatican spokesman Andrea Tornielli , clarifying that the offer of marriage would be extended to anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to enroll in a seminary as soon as possible .
“ It has become increasingly difficult to ordain enough men for the church to function , and while we don ’ t want to break with a thousand years of canon law by allowing priests to marry women , we believe many will be attracted to the clerical life if they know they will still have the opportunity to join together with the Supreme Pontiff in the sacrament of holy matrimony .
In fact , our internal studies show that , in recent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decided against becoming priests because they knew it meant they would never be able to marry the pope.
” At press time , a visibly beleaguered Pope Francis quickly announced another doctrinal change that , for the first time in church history , would allow members of the Catholic faith to get divorced .

VATICAN CITY—In an effort to find middle ground between liberal factions hoping to modernize the church and conservative forces seeking to preserve orthodoxy, Pope Francis issued a new decree Friday that will permanently change Roman Catholic doctrine by permitting all priests to marry him. “While we respect the vow of celibacy as a sacred choice, we hope to bring more men into the priesthood by giving them the option to participate in married life with His Holiness,” said Vatican spokesman Andrea Tornielli, clarifying that the offer of marriage would be extended to anyone actively considering a priestly vocation and willing to enroll in a seminary as soon as possible. “It has become increasingly difficult to ordain enough men for the church to function, and while we don’t want to break with a thousand years of canon law by allowing priests to marry women, we believe many will be attracted to the clerical life if they know they will still have the opportunity to join together with the Supreme Pontiff in the sacrament of holy matrimony. In fact, our internal studies show that, in recent generations, many young Catholic men have decided against becoming priests because they knew it meant they would never be able to marry the pope.” At press time, a visibly beleaguered Pope Francis quickly announced another doctrinal change that, for the first time in church history, would allow members of the Catholic faith to get divorced.


theonion--2020-02-18--Number Of Homeless Students On The Rise

Number Of Homeless Students On The Rise

A report from the National Center for Homeless Education found that 1.5 million public school students nationwide experienced homelessness at @ @ @ @ @ school year , more than double the number reported in 2004 .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ we could get these numbers down if we just barred people without homes from going @ @ @ @

A report from the National Center for Homeless Education found that 1.5 million public school students nationwide experienced homelessness at some point during the 2017-2018 school year, more than double the number reported in 2004. What do you think?
“Homelessness, huh? My generation’s thing was long-sleeved tees under short-sleeved tees.” Vickie Hughes • Prison Receptionist
“I bet we could get these numbers down if we just barred people without homes from going to school.” Colin Ellis • Bathroom Attendant
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theonion--2020-02-18--Pope Francis: ‘Nobody Out-Molests The Catholic Church’

A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to @ @ @ @ @ Boy Scouts .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance @ @ @ @ @ .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the @ @ @ @ @ Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to @ @ @ @ @ to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

A major announcement in Vatican City as Pope Francis insists that Catholic priests around the world are not about to be out-molested by some goddamned Boy Scouts.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-18--Best Cities For Millennials

Best Cities For Millennials

Average Number Of Unbearable Interactions When You Leave The House : 2.54 per outing The Mall : Depressing , inexplicably @ @ @ @ @ Classmate Has Earned At Local Supermarket Since Being Bagboy Back In High School : 2 @ @ @ @ @ Years Of Your Life Pass : Just like that Unshakable Sensation That You Both Belong @ @ @ @ @ Here : Inescapable and oppressive Cost Of Living : Admission of defeat

Your Hometown
Average Number Of Unbearable Interactions When You Leave The House: 2.54 per outing
The Mall: Depressing, inexplicably comforting
Number Of Promotions Former Classmate Has Earned At Local Supermarket Since Being Bagboy Back In High School: 2
Pace At Which 10 Goddamn Years Of Your Life Pass: Just like that
Unshakable Sensation That You Both Belong Here And Are A Stranger Here: Inescapable and oppressive
Cost Of Living: Admission of defeat


theonion--2020-02-18--Report: Average Life Expectancy Increases To 18.2 Years For Americans Who Go Out Like Fucking Legend

Report: Average Life Expectancy Increases To 18.2 Years For Americans Who Go Out Like Fucking Legends

WASHINGTON—Calling the data encouraging for all groups of U.S. badasses , a new CDC report published Tuesday found that the average life expectancy for Americans who go out like fucking legends has increased to 18.2 years .
“ Our data revealed that total gods who shotgun a beer before doing a backflip off their buddy ’ s rooftop are now , on average , living 0.3 years longer than past generations , ” said lead researcher Nancy Remis , explaining that regardless of race , gender , or geographic location , more absolute kings who go out in a blaze @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a rocky gulch on a motorcycle are often living 14 weeks longer than previous hardcore motherfuckers .
“ The total fucking legends who are saying adios to this world after going 130 mph while drag racing in their dad ’ s Acura on a slick country road are surviving just past their 18th birthday , thanks to improved medical care and faster resuscitation attempts .
This is an excellent sign for all the heroes out there planning on surfing during a hurricane or playing chicken with a high-speed train.
” The report also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ losers , who just do what they told , remained steady at 78.6 years .

WASHINGTON—Calling the data encouraging for all groups of U.S. badasses, a new CDC report published Tuesday found that the average life expectancy for Americans who go out like fucking legends has increased to 18.2 years. “Our data revealed that total gods who shotgun a beer before doing a backflip off their buddy’s rooftop are now, on average, living 0.3 years longer than past generations,” said lead researcher Nancy Remis, explaining that regardless of race, gender, or geographic location, more absolute kings who go out in a blaze of glory while drunkenly attempting to clear a rocky gulch on a motorcycle are often living 14 weeks longer than previous hardcore motherfuckers. “The total fucking legends who are saying adios to this world after going 130 mph while drag racing in their dad’s Acura on a slick country road are surviving just past their 18th birthday, thanks to improved medical care and faster resuscitation attempts. This is an excellent sign for all the heroes out there planning on surfing during a hurricane or playing chicken with a high-speed train.” The report also revealed the average life expectancy of boring-ass losers, who just do what they told, remained steady at 78.6 years.


theonion--2020-02-18--1,100 Former DOJ Officials Urge Barr To Resign

More than 1,100 former federal prosecutors and Department of Justice officials have signed a letter calling on Attorney General William @ @ @ @ @ intervened to reduce the prison sentence recommendation for Trump ally Roger Stone .
What do @ @ @ @ @ matter what you do , there will always be a thousand or so people who @ @ @ @ @ I ’ d quit my job if even a single person asked me to.
” @ @ @ @ @ long sentences are so great , then why aren ’ t they in prison ?
@

More than 1,100 former federal prosecutors and Department of Justice officials have signed a letter calling on Attorney General William Barr to resign after Barr intervened to reduce the prison sentence recommendation for Trump ally Roger Stone. What do you think?
“No matter what you do, there will always be a thousand or so people who disagree.” Philip Harmon • Food Court Waiter
“Wow, I’d quit my job if even a single person asked me to.” Amber Cook • Mall Architect
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theonion--2020-02-18--Boy Scouts Leadership Confident Organization Can Overcome Stigma Of Bankruptcy

IRVING , TX—Stressing that the century-old youth organization wasn ’ t going anywhere despite its recent Chapter 11 filing , Boy Scouts of America CEO Roger Mosby told reporters Tuesday he was confident the group could overcome the devastating stigma of bankruptcy .
“ On behalf of the BSA ’ s leadership , I wish to assure our scouting families I will not let the unfortunate choices of a few individuals tarnish the good name of this institution by forever associating it with an inability to meet our most basic financial obligations , ” said Mosby , adding that so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Boy Scouts would fight to regain the public ’ s trust and show it would never again fall victim to predatory lenders .
“ To all our members affected by the unspeakable tragedy of this debt restructuring , I apologize .
But I promise you this court filing will not erase the Boy Scouts ’ proud legacy of solvency.
” Mosby also announced a new initiative designed to educate both Scouts and Scout leaders about how to report anyone they think might be engaging in questionable lending behaviors with the organization .

IRVING, TX—Stressing that the century-old youth organization wasn’t going anywhere despite its recent Chapter 11 filing, Boy Scouts of America CEO Roger Mosby told reporters Tuesday he was confident the group could overcome the devastating stigma of bankruptcy. “On behalf of the BSA’s leadership, I wish to assure our scouting families I will not let the unfortunate choices of a few individuals tarnish the good name of this institution by forever associating it with an inability to meet our most basic financial obligations,” said Mosby, adding that so long as he was in charge, the Boy Scouts would fight to regain the public’s trust and show it would never again fall victim to predatory lenders. “To all our members affected by the unspeakable tragedy of this debt restructuring, I apologize. But I promise you this court filing will not erase the Boy Scouts’ proud legacy of solvency.” Mosby also announced a new initiative designed to educate both Scouts and Scout leaders about how to report anyone they think might be engaging in questionable lending behaviors with the organization.


theonion--2020-02-18--Shocking Lore: Nintendo Says Mario Always Talks About Being Italian Even Though He’s Only A Quarter

Shocking Lore: Nintendo Says Mario Always Talks About Being Italian Even Though He’s Only A Quarter And His Last Name Is Walsh

Hold on to your hats , OGN readers , because you are not going to believe this !
Nintendo fans are reeling after Kenta Motokura just dropped a huge piece of lore about the Mario universe : It turns out that even though Mario talks about being Italian all the time , he ’ s actually only one-quarter Sicilian and his last name is Walsh .
Looks like Mario ’ s love of all things Italy is just a wee bit of a show .
“ Since his inception , Mario has always made a big deal about coming from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heritage means to him , but only his grandmother was Italian , and they weren ’ t even that close , ” said Motokura , expounding on the famous plumber ’ s unclear background during an interview about Nintendo ’ s 2020 lineup .
“ He ’ s American , mostly Polish and Irish , and even the small Italian side of his family is , like , fourth generation at this point.
” “ That accent is just an affectation he adopted after studying abroad in Palermo , ” added the frequent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this surge of info will change their entire conception of the beloved platforming star .
To know that Mario Walsh has been exaggerating his upbringing by talking about how he wants to “ move back ” to Italy someday—despite spending most of his childhood attending an Irish Catholic church and eating steak-and-kidney pies more often than lasagna—lends a whole new dimension to the character .
“ He didn ’ t even move to that Italian neighborhood in Brooklyn until he was 26 , ” added Motokura , noting that the gaming icon grew @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ famous family Sunday sauce recipe ” he always talks about came from an Emeril Lagasse ’ s Essential Emeril cookbook .
“ Even Luigi is kind of embarrassed about it .
He doesn ’ t like calling him Mario since that is just a nickname.
” “ His full given name is Maurice , ” Motokura continued .
While this information about Mario ’ s personality certainly is shocking , it ’ s great to expand the franchise ’ s world .
Plus , it really helps explain why Bowser—a character Nintendo @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mario to be such a contemptible phony .
Hopefully , Nintendo will continue with these interesting lore drops !
Who knows ?
Maybe we ’ ll eventually even learn more about the racial tension that boiled over with the infamous race war between the Toads and the Goombas .

Hold on to your hats, OGN readers, because you are not going to believe this! Nintendo fans are reeling after Kenta Motokura just dropped a huge piece of lore about the Mario universe: It turns out that even though Mario talks about being Italian all the time, he’s actually only one-quarter Sicilian and his last name is Walsh.
Looks like Mario’s love of all things Italy is just a wee bit of a show.
“Since his inception, Mario has always made a big deal about coming from an Italian family and how much his heritage means to him, but only his grandmother was Italian, and they weren’t even that close,” said Motokura, expounding on the famous plumber’s unclear background during an interview about Nintendo’s 2020 lineup. “He’s American, mostly Polish and Irish, and even the small Italian side of his family is, like, fourth generation at this point.”
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“That accent is just an affectation he adopted after studying abroad in Palermo,” added the frequent series director.
For most gamers, this surge of info will change their entire conception of the beloved platforming star. To know that Mario Walsh has been exaggerating his upbringing by talking about how he wants to “move back” to Italy someday—despite spending most of his childhood attending an Irish Catholic church and eating steak-and-kidney pies more often than lasagna—lends a whole new dimension to the character.
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“He didn’t even move to that Italian neighborhood in Brooklyn until he was 26,” added Motokura, noting that the gaming icon grew up in Westchester and that the supposedly “famous family Sunday sauce recipe” he always talks about came from an Emeril Lagasse’s Essential Emeril cookbook. “Even Luigi is kind of embarrassed about it. He doesn’t like calling him Mario since that is just a nickname.”
“His full given name is Maurice,” Motokura continued.
While this information about Mario’s personality certainly is shocking, it’s great to expand the franchise’s world. Plus, it really helps explain why Bowser—a character Nintendo confirmed is Sicilian to his core—would consider Mario to be such a contemptible phony. Hopefully, Nintendo will continue with these interesting lore drops! Who knows? Maybe we’ll eventually even learn more about the racial tension that boiled over with the infamous race war between the Toads and the Goombas.


theonion--2020-02-18--Armed Teacher Rehearses Shooting Wall, Gunman, 3 Students During Active Shooter Drill

CHANCELLOR , SD—Walking carefully through each step so she would be prepared to act under pressure , armed teacher Melissa Wade rehearsed shooting the wall , a gunman , and three students Tuesday as part of an active shooter drill .
“ It ’ s sad our students have to live with the reality of school shootings , but I feel safer knowing that should the worst happen , I ’ ll be able to spray bullets into classroom and , fingers crossed , kill the right kid , ” said Wade , as she aimed an unloaded firearm at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as her students silently huddled in the corner farthest from the door .
“ I ’ m worried I ’ ll freeze up in the heat of the moment and forget to gun down anyone who runs past my doorway , but that ’ s where the training kicks in .
First , I pull the gun from my desk , then I wave it around a bunch to keep everyone calm .
Then I shoot out all the windows , blow a hole through my own hand , fire into the crowd @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gun and run for my life once the chamber ’ s empty .
And if all goes according to plan , at least one of the victims bleeding out on the linoleum when the police arrive is the gunman.
” At press time , the active shooter drill concluded with the school security guard demonstrating how he will run up to the front door , suddenly retreat , dive into his car , and drive away .

CHANCELLOR, SD—Walking carefully through each step so she would be prepared to act under pressure, armed teacher Melissa Wade rehearsed shooting the wall, a gunman, and three students Tuesday as part of an active shooter drill. “It’s sad our students have to live with the reality of school shootings, but I feel safer knowing that should the worst happen, I’ll be able to spray bullets into classroom and, fingers crossed, kill the right kid,” said Wade, as she aimed an unloaded firearm at various targets around the room as well as her students silently huddled in the corner farthest from the door. “I’m worried I’ll freeze up in the heat of the moment and forget to gun down anyone who runs past my doorway, but that’s where the training kicks in. First, I pull the gun from my desk, then I wave it around a bunch to keep everyone calm. Then I shoot out all the windows, blow a hole through my own hand, fire into the crowd of evacuating students, then drop the gun and run for my life once the chamber’s empty. And if all goes according to plan, at least one of the victims bleeding out on the linoleum when the police arrive is the gunman.” At press time, the active shooter drill concluded with the school security guard demonstrating how he will run up to the front door, suddenly retreat, dive into his car, and drive away.


theonion--2020-02-18--Overwhelmed Archaeologists Struggling To Keep Pace With Glut Of Early Humans Thawed Out By Climate C

Overwhelmed Archaeologists Struggling To Keep Pace With Glut Of Early Humans Thawed Out By Climate Change

OXFORD , ENGLAND—Noting that the steady rise in global temperatures was beginning to have a significant impact on their work , anthropologists at Oxford University told reporters Tuesday that they were struggling to keep up with the abundance of early human remains being thawed out due to climate change .
“ It seems like every other day a hunter in North Canada or some unsuspecting hikers in Siberia are stumbling across the perfectly preserved remains of a 2,000-year-old human ancestor emerging from melting glaciers or receding permafrost ; we can barely keep up , ” said lead researcher Adam Daly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ become more severe , his team has had to take drastic measures to fast-track some of their processes , such as performing CT scans on more than one mummified carcass at once and skipping hair analysis altogether .
“ We don ’ t even get excited anymore about anything potentially groundbreaking because it just means more work for us .
Any satchels of prehistoric tools are just thrown into a drawer now ; we have something like a hundred ancient hammerstones we ’ re never going to get around to analyzing .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we find names .
What ’ s the point ?
” At press time , Daly added that his only hope for clearing some space was to pawn off as many skeletons as he could onto the British Museum .

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Noting that the steady rise in global temperatures was beginning to have a significant impact on their work, anthropologists at Oxford University told reporters Tuesday that they were struggling to keep up with the abundance of early human remains being thawed out due to climate change. “It seems like every other day a hunter in North Canada or some unsuspecting hikers in Siberia are stumbling across the perfectly preserved remains of a 2,000-year-old human ancestor emerging from melting glaciers or receding permafrost; we can barely keep up,” said lead researcher Adam Daly, adding that as climate change has become more severe, his team has had to take drastic measures to fast-track some of their processes, such as performing CT scans on more than one mummified carcass at once and skipping hair analysis altogether. “We don’t even get excited anymore about anything potentially groundbreaking because it just means more work for us. Any satchels of prehistoric tools are just thrown into a drawer now; we have something like a hundred ancient hammerstones we’re never going to get around to analyzing. We even stopped giving the earliest human ancestors we find names. What’s the point?” At press time, Daly added that his only hope for clearing some space was to pawn off as many skeletons as he could onto the British Museum.


theonion--2020-02-18--Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 18, 2020

Three extremely important events will mark your last days on Earth : First , you find out you can buy @ @ @ @ @ The second and third pretty much follow as the night follows the day .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Three extremely important events will mark your last days on Earth: First, you find out you can buy uranium over the internet. The second and third pretty much follow as the night follows the day.


theonion--2020-02-20--Increased Airtime Of Chantix Commercials Results In Ray Liotta Qualifying For Democratic Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls , increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night ’ s Democratic Debate .
“ Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad purchases in recent months that helped spread the word about Ray Liotta and his struggle to find a stop-smoking aid that works for him , ” said polling expert Kevin Michaels , stressing that the extensive television ad campaign familiarized Americans with Liotta as a “ father , actor , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ polling surge that secured his place on the debate stage .
“ What these ads have done for key sections of the electorate is not only boost awareness of Liotta , but also expose voters to his difficulties to quit cold turkey before eventually finding a way to overcome his urge to smoke with Chantix .
It ’ s a message of hope that ’ s clearly resonating with voters.
” At press time , experts suggested the strategy may have backfired after Amy Klobuchar hammered Liotta for pushing a product that can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and nausea .

LAS VEGAS—In a powerful testament to the role television advertising still plays in driving national polls, increased airtime of commercials for tobacco cessation aid Chantix led to celebrity spokesperson Ray Liotta qualifying for Wednesday night’s Democratic Debate. “Chantix has made some especially aggressive ad purchases in recent months that helped spread the word about Ray Liotta and his struggle to find a stop-smoking aid that works for him,” said polling expert Kevin Michaels, stressing that the extensive television ad campaign familiarized Americans with Liotta as a “father, actor, and ex-smoker” and directly led to the polling surge that secured his place on the debate stage. “What these ads have done for key sections of the electorate is not only boost awareness of Liotta, but also expose voters to his difficulties to quit cold turkey before eventually finding a way to overcome his urge to smoke with Chantix. It’s a message of hope that’s clearly resonating with voters.” At press time, experts suggested the strategy may have backfired after Amy Klobuchar hammered Liotta for pushing a product that can cause changes in behavior, depressed mood, and nausea.


theonion--2020-02-20--‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate

LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate @ @ @ @ @ Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised @ @ @ @ @ with an iron fist.
” “ Kneel before me and tremble , you piteous wretches @ @ @ @ @ new sovereign ruler and my will is infallible , ” said Bloomberg , cutting into @ @ @ @ @ as his pledge to “ vanquish my enemies and reward my supplicants ” was met @ @ @ @ @ of assembled audience members .
“ You peons , you mean as little to me @ @ @ @ @ to a mighty mountain , and I ’ ll step on the necks of every @ @ @ @ @ my quest for greater and greater power .
Gaze upon your new God and fear @ @ @ @ @ press time , the audience had broken out into chants of “ Bloomberg !
Bloomberg @ @ @ @ @ emerged from the exits to indiscriminately beat them with batons .

LAS VEGAS—In a demonstration of the high level of enthusiasm the former New York City mayor enjoys among the electorate, surging presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg was met with a standing ovation during the Democratic debate Wednesday as he promised to “rule you peasants with an iron fist.” “Kneel before me and tremble, you piteous wretches, for I am your new sovereign ruler and my will is infallible,” said Bloomberg, cutting into his rivals’ speaking time as his pledge to “vanquish my enemies and reward my supplicants” was met with thunderous applause by thousands of assembled audience members. “You peons, you mean as little to me as a clump of dirt to a mighty mountain, and I’ll step on the necks of every last one of you on my quest for greater and greater power. Gaze upon your new God and fear my capricious wrath.” At press time, the audience had broken out into chants of “Bloomberg! Bloomberg!” as armed guards emerged from the exits to indiscriminately beat them with batons.


theonion--2020-02-20--Panicking Aides Finally Locate Biden At Wrong Venue Following Cirque Du Soleil Performers Onstage

LAS VEGAS—After frantically searching for the former vice president in the hours leading up to Wednesday night ’ s debate , panicked campaign aides reportedly located Joe Biden at Las Vegas ’ Treasure Island Hotel , where the candidate appeared to have followed a Cirque du Soleil troupe onstage .
“ There he is , up there—those circus clowns are tossing him back and forth , ” said visibly relieved senior adviser Anita Dunn , waving her arms at the seven-term former U.S. senator , who was attempting to make an impassioned speech about his legislative record despite being severely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feet in the air .
“ Even if we got him down from there right now , we still wouldn ’ t make it to the debate venue on time , and he does seem to be shouting his most important talking points at the guys playing those big Japanese drums and the two musclemen flying around on bungees .
To be honest , I haven ’ t seen him looking this coherent in a long time .
Why don ’ t we just let the vice president have a nice night for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden was overheard berating a unicycle rider he “ didn ’ t like the looks of ” from the confines of a large , whimsical birdcage .

LAS VEGAS—After frantically searching for the former vice president in the hours leading up to Wednesday night’s debate, panicked campaign aides reportedly located Joe Biden at Las Vegas’ Treasure Island Hotel, where the candidate appeared to have followed a Cirque du Soleil troupe onstage. “There he is, up there—those circus clowns are tossing him back and forth,” said visibly relieved senior adviser Anita Dunn, waving her arms at the seven-term former U.S. senator, who was attempting to make an impassioned speech about his legislative record despite being severely entangled in aerial silks and dangling 50 feet in the air. “Even if we got him down from there right now, we still wouldn’t make it to the debate venue on time, and he does seem to be shouting his most important talking points at the guys playing those big Japanese drums and the two musclemen flying around on bungees. To be honest, I haven’t seen him looking this coherent in a long time. Why don’t we just let the vice president have a nice night for once?” At press time, Biden was overheard berating a unicycle rider he “didn’t like the looks of” from the confines of a large, whimsical birdcage.


theonion--2020-02-19--Trump Pardons Rod Blagojevich

Trump Pardons Rod Blagojevich

President Trump commuted the 14-year prison sentence of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich , who has been in federal prison @ @ @ @ @ convicted of attempting to sell Barack Obama ’ s empty Senate seat .
What do @ @ @ @ @ pardons start to lose their appeal when just any schmuck can get one.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ encouraging entrepreneurs , not punishing them.
” “ It ’ s nice to see the @ @ @ @ @ lines .
”

President Trump commuted the 14-year prison sentence of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who has been in federal prison since 2012 after he was convicted of attempting to sell Barack Obama’s empty Senate seat. What do you think?
“Presidential pardons start to lose their appeal when just any schmuck can get one.” Clarence Young • Rodeo Analyst
“Good. We should be encouraging entrepreneurs, not punishing them.” Arthur Cook • Talcum Canner
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theonion--2020-02-19--Adobe Photoshop Turns 30

Adobe Photoshop Turns 30

February 19 marks 30 years since the release of Adobe Photoshop , a photo-editing software that ’ s since become @ @ @ @ @ .
The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of Photoshop on its @ @ @ @ @ comes up with idea for Photoshop after brother Tom introduces him to burgeoning medium of @ @ @ @ @ purchases Photoshop from Knoll brothers after forgetting their free trial had ended .
Dover , @ @ @ @ @ 25-year odyssey of holiday cards set in unlikely locations .
Master classical forger Giuseppe Francisco @ @ @ @ @ in disgust after losing another client .
Contract dispute causes lasso tool to sit out @ @ @ @ @ with human arms and meatballs for eyes .
Last person who understood licensing tiers of @ @ @ @ @ .

February 19 marks 30 years since the release of Adobe Photoshop, a photo-editing software that’s since become synonymous with digital photo manipulation. The Onion looks back at key moments in the history of Photoshop on its 30-year anniversary.
John Knoll comes up with idea for Photoshop after brother Tom introduces him to burgeoning medium of photography.
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Adobe Inc. mistakenly purchases Photoshop from Knoll brothers after forgetting their free trial had ended.
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20 Minutes After Release, 1990:
Topless photo of Michelle Pfeiffer created.
Dover, DE resident Jerry Agatucci begins 25-year odyssey of holiday cards set in unlikely locations.
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Software adds intermediate magnifications between 10% and 700%.
Master classical forger Giuseppe Francisco de Palma throws hands up in disgust after losing another client.
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The Pirate Bay launches.
Contract dispute causes lasso tool to sit out Photoshop 7.0.
A bird with human arms and meatballs for eyes.
Last person who understood licensing tiers of Photoshop dies under mysterious circumstances.


theonion--2020-02-19--Australian Officials Touting Bushfire As Huge Success

Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today , touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed @ @ @ @ @ s pestering koala population .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # @ @ @ @ @ app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and @ @ @ @ @ today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ @ @ @ @ @ non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

Parliament officials in Canberra are celebrating today, touting the success of their new wildfire introduction program that is designed to control the country’s pestering koala population.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-19--Boy Scouts File For Bankruptcy

Boy Scouts File For Bankruptcy

The Boy Scouts of America filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Tuesday , a move the organization says is necessary in @ @ @ @ @ , but which critics say is an attempt to escape its financial obligations to sexual @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ No one ever stops to think about the financial repercussions of @ @ @ @ @ ’ t see why an organization should be held responsible for the acts of the @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Oh great , now how will my son learn to tie knots ?
@

The Boy Scouts of America filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy Tuesday, a move the organization says is necessary in the face over 300 lawsuits, but which critics say is an attempt to escape its financial obligations to sexual abuse victims. What do you think?
“No one ever stops to think about the financial repercussions of molesting.” Bobby Bell • Golf Shoe Cobbler
“I don’t see why an organization should be held responsible for the acts of the few hundred pedophiles it recruited.” Tammy Martin • Parking Consultant
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theonion--2020-02-19--‘I Love My Wife Marcia And 2 Beautiful Kids, Tad And Hayden,’ Says Buttigieg In Latest Campaign Shif

‘I Love My Wife Marcia And 2 Beautiful Kids, Tad And Hayden,’ Says Buttigieg In Latest Campaign Shift

SOUTH BEND , IN—Quipping that if elected , he would be a father first and president second , Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg told reporters Wednesday that he loved his “ wife Marcia and two beautiful kids , Tad and Hayden ” in his latest campaign shift .
“ First , I ’ d like to thank my incredible rock of 15 years , Marcia , and boys , why don ’ t you come on up to the stage and give your pops a hug ?
” said the former mayor of South Bend , beckoning to his newly revamped @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , slender woman with two suit-clad young boys who immediately sprinted over Buttigieg yelling “ Daddy , Daddy.
” “ This beautiful , intelligent woman right here—she got me through law school , she got me through my mayoral races , and she ’ s going to get us to the White House .
And Tad and Hayden , thank you for coming here today .
But you better get going—Daddy knows you have homework to do !
” At press time , Buttigieg grabbed his wife and gave her a long kiss @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the crowd , “ Happy wife , happy life !
”

OnionNews on Politics, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

SOUTH BEND, IN—Quipping that if elected, he would be a father first and president second, Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg told reporters Wednesday that he loved his “wife Marcia and two beautiful kids, Tad and Hayden” in his latest campaign shift. “First, I’d like to thank my incredible rock of 15 years, Marcia, and boys, why don’t you come on up to the stage and give your pops a hug?” said the former mayor of South Bend, beckoning to his newly revamped campaign staff and inviting up a tall, slender woman with two suit-clad young boys who immediately sprinted over Buttigieg yelling “Daddy, Daddy.” “This beautiful, intelligent woman right here—she got me through law school, she got me through my mayoral races, and she’s going to get us to the White House. And Tad and Hayden, thank you for coming here today. But you better get going—Daddy knows you have homework to do!” At press time, Buttigieg grabbed his wife and gave her a long kiss on the lips before shrugging and telling the crowd, “Happy wife, happy life!”


theonion--2020-02-19--New CIA Torture Program Concert Series Brings Metallica Into Black Sites To Play 72-Hour Sets

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a once-in-a-lifetime , up-close-and-personal enhanced interrogation experience , the CIA rolled out a new torture program concert series Wednesday that brings Metallica into black sites to play 72-hour sets .
“ After months of hard work , we are so proud to debut our new ‘ Dissociation ’ tour , which will take Metallica all over the globe , from Guantanamo Bay in Cuba , to Detention Site Green in Thailand , to the Dark prison in Kabul , ” said CIA spokesperson Jenna Wellington adding that the concerts , which would feature live performances from James @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and Robert Trujillo , included custom , carefully constructed , repetitive set lists designed to inflict maximum psychological damage .
“ To kick things off , Metallica will play a private set for a group of terrorists accused of orchestrating an attack on an American airbase , and it will feature ‘ Invisible Kid ’ played 12,000 times in a row at a blaring 120 decibels .
Also , the prisoners will be blindfolded and strapped upside down to a board , which will only make the band singing directly into their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Wellington confirmed the program ’ s debut had been a success , and that inmates cracked before Hetfield was even done yelling “ Guantanamo , how ’ s everyone doing tonight ?
”

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a once-in-a-lifetime, up-close-and-personal enhanced interrogation experience, the CIA rolled out a new torture program concert series Wednesday that brings Metallica into black sites to play 72-hour sets. “After months of hard work, we are so proud to debut our new ‘Dissociation’ tour, which will take Metallica all over the globe, from Guantanamo Bay in Cuba, to Detention Site Green in Thailand, to the Dark prison in Kabul,” said CIA spokesperson Jenna Wellington adding that the concerts, which would feature live performances from James Hetfield, Lars Ulrich, Kirk Hammett, and Robert Trujillo, included custom, carefully constructed, repetitive set lists designed to inflict maximum psychological damage. “To kick things off, Metallica will play a private set for a group of terrorists accused of orchestrating an attack on an American airbase, and it will feature ‘Invisible Kid’ played 12,000 times in a row at a blaring 120 decibels. Also, the prisoners will be blindfolded and strapped upside down to a board, which will only make the band singing directly into their ears more intimate.” At press time, Wellington confirmed the program’s debut had been a success, and that inmates cracked before Hetfield was even done yelling “Guantanamo, how’s everyone doing tonight?”


theonion--2020-02-19--Thousands Of PETA Activists Descend On Hoover Headquarters To Protest Vacuum Cleaner That Spooked Do

Thousands Of PETA Activists Descend On Hoover Headquarters To Protest Vacuum Cleaner That Spooked Dog

GLENWILLOW , OH—In what is believed to be the largest anti-animal-cruelty rally targeting a household appliance maker , thousands of angry PETA activists descended on Hoover headquarters Wednesday to protest a model of vacuum cleaner that reportedly spooked a dog .
“ Animal lives are equal to human lives , and a vacuum startling any dog—particularly such a good boy as Ruffles—is nothing short of terrorism , ” said protest organizer Rebecca Watts , who brandished a dust-filled vacuum bag she intended to pour on an unwitting Hoover executive .
“ Ruffles was underneath the kitchen table for several hours @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And that is nothing new—hundreds of dogs are spooked by vacuums on a daily basis , and society refuses to offer so much as a ‘ there , there.
’ Some repulsive pet owners even go so far as to post videos of their dogs getting spooked by vacuums as if life-threatening trauma is funny .
Would you find a video of a toddler being waterboarded funny ?
The manufacturers responsible for this sonic excruciation machine should be thrown in jail.
” Neither Hoover executives nor Ruffles the dog could be reached for @ @

GLENWILLOW, OH—In what is believed to be the largest anti-animal-cruelty rally targeting a household appliance maker, thousands of angry PETA activists descended on Hoover headquarters Wednesday to protest a model of vacuum cleaner that reportedly spooked a dog. “Animal lives are equal to human lives, and a vacuum startling any dog—particularly such a good boy as Ruffles—is nothing short of terrorism,” said protest organizer Rebecca Watts, who brandished a dust-filled vacuum bag she intended to pour on an unwitting Hoover executive. “Ruffles was underneath the kitchen table for several hours while the Hoover corporation said nothing. And that is nothing new—hundreds of dogs are spooked by vacuums on a daily basis, and society refuses to offer so much as a ‘there, there.’ Some repulsive pet owners even go so far as to post videos of their dogs getting spooked by vacuums as if life-threatening trauma is funny. Would you find a video of a toddler being waterboarded funny? The manufacturers responsible for this sonic excruciation machine should be thrown in jail.” Neither Hoover executives nor Ruffles the dog could be reached for comment.


theonion--2020-02-20--Coral Reefs Could Disappear Within Next 80 Years

Researchers at the University of Hawaii predict that 90 % of the world ’ s coral reefs could die in @ @ @ @ @ that reefs could disappear entirely by 2100 as climate change increases ocean temperatures .
What @ @ @ @ @ There must be something incremental but ultimately not good enough we can do.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ won ’ t be able to experience the beauty of other people ’ s scuba @ @ @ @ @

Researchers at the University of Hawaii predict that 90% of the world’s coral reefs could die in the next 20 years and that reefs could disappear entirely by 2100 as climate change increases ocean temperatures. What do you think?
“There must be something incremental but ultimately not good enough we can do.” Wanda Mccormick • Furniture Aligner
“Sad to think our grandkids won’t be able to experience the beauty of other people’s scuba diving Instagram posts.” Tyrone Long • Saw Mill Superintendent
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theonion--2020-02-20--God In Critical Condition

God In Critical Condition

The Lord God , Maker of Heaven and Earth , was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while @ @ @ @ @ what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery .
The Topical is presented @ @ @ @ @ # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App @ @ @ @ @ and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 @ @ @ @ @ $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The Lord God, Maker of Heaven and Earth, was rushed into emergency surgery after accidentally shooting Himself while cleaning His gun. Hear what doctors have to say about His chances of recovery.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-20--Bloomberg Housekeepers Brace For Another Day Of Dressing Up Like DNC Candidates And Letting Boss Bea

Bloomberg Housekeepers Brace For Another Day Of Dressing Up Like DNC Candidates And Letting Boss Beat Them In Debate

NEW YORK—Standing behind podiums scattered around the living room , Mike Bloomberg ’ s housekeepers braced for another day of dressing up like DNC candidates and letting their boss beat them in a debate , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ I ’ m supposed to be polishing the silver today , but instead I have to wear a stupid white wig and let Mr. Bloomberg attack the feasibility of my Medicare-for-all plan , ” said maid Flora Bishop , who feared the 15-person housekeeping staff would be unable to complete their daily cleaning tasks as their boss forced them to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a question about prison reform .
“ We basically just stand around and let him tear our policies apart until he feels like he ’ s won .
Usually , I ’ ll just say something about how all my ideas are bad compared to his so I can get back to the laundry .
I feel terrible for the landscaper who played Buttigieg last time .
Mr. Bloomberg fired him after he made a really good point about trying to buy the election.
” At press time , the housekeepers were frantically @ @ @ @ @ @ @ acting as moderator , to stop pressing their boss on stop-and-frisk policing tactics .

NEW YORK—Standing behind podiums scattered around the living room, Mike Bloomberg’s housekeepers braced for another day of dressing up like DNC candidates and letting their boss beat them in a debate, sources confirmed Thursday. “I’m supposed to be polishing the silver today, but instead I have to wear a stupid white wig and let Mr. Bloomberg attack the feasibility of my Medicare-for-all plan,” said maid Flora Bishop, who feared the 15-person housekeeping staff would be unable to complete their daily cleaning tasks as their boss forced them to restart the debate yet again after fumbling a question about prison reform. “We basically just stand around and let him tear our policies apart until he feels like he’s won. Usually, I’ll just say something about how all my ideas are bad compared to his so I can get back to the laundry. I feel terrible for the landscaper who played Buttigieg last time. Mr. Bloomberg fired him after he made a really good point about trying to buy the election.” At press time, the housekeepers were frantically motioning for the chauffeur, who was acting as moderator, to stop pressing their boss on stop-and-frisk policing tactics.


theonion--2020-02-20--Recently Concussed Americans March On Washington D.C. Demanding The Right To Sleep

WASHINGTON—Meandering through the National Mall as they forgot where they were headed , thousands of recently concussed Americans marched on @ @ @ @ @ right to sleep .
“ Every citizen deserves to go night-night for just a few @ @ @ @ @ by those who would insist we keep our eyes open , ” said Vernon Wheeler @ @ @ @ @ dizzy , vomiting protestors who say they ’ ve been treated unfairly since suffering severe @ @ @ @ @ ’ s time for people to stop holding up three fingers in front of our @ @ @ @ @ re actually holding up one .
If we want to stare at bright lights or @ @ @ @ @ for a quick nap or touch the blood coming out of our ears , that @ @ @ @ @ Americans .
It ’ s nobody ’ s business but our own if we know @ @ @ @ @ the current president is.
” At press time , D.C. police were dispatched to break @ @ @ @ @ of recently concussed protestors tumbled down the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial .

WASHINGTON—Meandering through the National Mall as they forgot where they were headed, thousands of recently concussed Americans marched on Washington D.C. Thursday demanding the right to sleep. “Every citizen deserves to go night-night for just a few minutes without being shaken awake by those who would insist we keep our eyes open,” said Vernon Wheeler, one of nearly 10,000 dizzy, vomiting protestors who say they’ve been treated unfairly since suffering severe head trauma. “It’s time for people to stop holding up three fingers in front of our faces and insisting they’re actually holding up one. If we want to stare at bright lights or lay down in the street for a quick nap or touch the blood coming out of our ears, that’s our right as Americans. It’s nobody’s business but our own if we know where we are or who the current president is.” At press time, D.C. police were dispatched to break up the march after hundreds of recently concussed protestors tumbled down the stairs of the Lincoln Memorial.


theonion--2020-02-20--Biden Begging Donors To Stop Sending Money So He Can Quit Race

WASHINGTON—Imploring his supporters to relieve him of his obligations on the campaign trail , former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly begged his donors Thursday to stop sending him money so he could quit the presidential race .
“ Look , folks , we are at an important crossroads in our bid for the nomination , and I ’ m asking you from the bottom of my heart to please , please stop giving to my campaign so I can just end it already , ” Biden wrote in an email sent to every individual , corporation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ contributed to his campaign , adding that with their generous help , they could help put him out of his misery at this “ crucial juncture ” right before the Nevada caucus .
“ I ’ m going to be honest with you .
We ’ re being outpaced in fundraising by the other campaigns , and that is great , because I am very , very tired and ready to admit defeat ; so please , whether you have $ 1 or $ 100 to spare , don ’ t send either @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you to support me as I head back into retirement and try to pretend none of this ever happened.
” At press time , sources confirmed Biden began openly weeping when he received a $ 4 million surge in donations .

WASHINGTON—Imploring his supporters to relieve him of his obligations on the campaign trail, former vice president and current presidential candidate Joe Biden reportedly begged his donors Thursday to stop sending him money so he could quit the presidential race. “Look, folks, we are at an important crossroads in our bid for the nomination, and I’m asking you from the bottom of my heart to please, please stop giving to my campaign so I can just end it already,” Biden wrote in an email sent to every individual, corporation, and political action committee that has contributed to his campaign, adding that with their generous help, they could help put him out of his misery at this “crucial juncture” right before the Nevada caucus. “I’m going to be honest with you. We’re being outpaced in fundraising by the other campaigns, and that is great, because I am very, very tired and ready to admit defeat; so please, whether you have $1 or $100 to spare, don’t send either. I know I can count on you to support me as I head back into retirement and try to pretend none of this ever happened.” At press time, sources confirmed Biden began openly weeping when he received a $4 million surge in donations.


theonion--2020-02-20--George Zimmerman Sues Buttigieg, Warren

George Zimmerman Sues Buttigieg, Warren

George Zimmerman , whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate , is suing Pete Buttigieg and @ @ @ @ @ claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “ garner votes in the black community.
@ @ @ @ @ ?
“ Hmm , it ’ s not like George Zimmerman to just attack someone @ @ @ @ @ Nothing is more damaging to a man ’ s reputation than suggesting he shouldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Better this than outside attempting to patrol his neighborhood .
”

George Zimmerman, whose acquittal for shooting and killing Trayvon Martin sparked national debate, is suing Pete Buttigieg and Elizabeth Warren for defamation, claiming their tributes to Martin were attempts to “garner votes in the black community.” What do you think?
“Hmm, it’s not like George Zimmerman to just attack someone for no reason.” Lori Mcbride • Construction Blogger
“Nothing is more damaging to a man’s reputation than suggesting he shouldn’t have killed a teenager.” Emmett Huff • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-02-21--Forever 21 Bought Following Bankruptcy

Forever 21 Bought Following Bankruptcy

Fast-fashion retailer Forever 21 , which filed for bankruptcy in 2019 following declining sales , has been purchased by Authentic @ @ @ @ @ keep nearly 500 stores open nationwide and add new lines of accessories .
What do @ @ @ @ @ a waste of money .
It ’ s just going to fall apart after a @ @ @ @ @ , for a second there I thought I would have to just stop wearing clothes @ @

Fast-fashion retailer Forever 21, which filed for bankruptcy in 2019 following declining sales, has been purchased by Authentic Brands, with plans to keep nearly 500 stores open nationwide and add new lines of accessories. What do you think?
“What a waste of money. It’s just going to fall apart after a few weeks.” Gene Barton • Systems Analyst
“Phew, for a second there I thought I would have to just stop wearing clothes.” Edgar Wolfe • Lawn Care Researcher
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theonion--2020-02-21--Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Bir

Trump Administration Rolls Back Hunting Regulations Forbidding Use Of Chokeholds, Eye Gouging On Birds

WASHINGTON—In a legal measure that will greatly expand the options available to American sportsmen , the Trump administration announced Thursday that it would repeal legacy regulations forbidding the use of controversial chokeholds and eye-gouging when hunting game birds .
“ Although animal rights activists have long decried placing grouse in sleeper holds , piledriving pheasants , and headbutting doves , we recognize that these inarguably effective moves have a long tradition among wingshooters , ” said President Donald Trump in a press conference , adding that no less a man than Theodore Roosevelt had thought nothing of roundhouse kicking a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ They call the move the ‘ Crossface Chicken Wing ’ for a reason .
Furthermore , banning the use of the common folding chair as an implement for slamming birds across the head is a holdover from the days of ignorant environmentalists who don ’ t respect traditional hunting .
True woodsmen know that respecting nature often means wrapping barbed wire around your fist to pummel a Canada goose or digging your thumbs into the eyes of a woodcock , and that there isn ’ t a hunter alive who wouldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ President Trump then posed for photographs while repeatedly smashing a quail beak-first into one of the White House ’ s marble columns .

WASHINGTON—In a legal measure that will greatly expand the options available to American sportsmen, the Trump administration announced Thursday that it would repeal legacy regulations forbidding the use of controversial chokeholds and eye-gouging when hunting game birds. “Although animal rights activists have long decried placing grouse in sleeper holds, piledriving pheasants, and headbutting doves, we recognize that these inarguably effective moves have a long tradition among wingshooters,” said President Donald Trump in a press conference, adding that no less a man than Theodore Roosevelt had thought nothing of roundhouse kicking a brace of ducks for his dinner. “They call the move the ‘Crossface Chicken Wing’ for a reason. Furthermore, banning the use of the common folding chair as an implement for slamming birds across the head is a holdover from the days of ignorant environmentalists who don’t respect traditional hunting. True woodsmen know that respecting nature often means wrapping barbed wire around your fist to pummel a Canada goose or digging your thumbs into the eyes of a woodcock, and that there isn’t a hunter alive who wouldn’t curb stomp a wild turkey.” President Trump then posed for photographs while repeatedly smashing a quail beak-first into one of the White House’s marble columns.


theonion--2020-02-21--Pete Alonso Asks Teammates Whether They’d All Rather Sign Up For Volleyball This Year

NEW YORK—Citing the group ’ s general lack of enthusiasm about the idea of playing another season of baseball , New York Mets first baseman Pete Alonso reportedly asked his teammates Friday whether they ’ d all rather sign up for volleyball this year .
“ We ’ ve been doing the baseball thing for a while now , but everyone gets so bored by the end , and besides , we ’ re not even that good at it , so I think we should switch it up and play volleyball instead , ” said Alonso , adding that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time commitment to play volleyball one night a week in an intermediate rec league at Brooklyn Bridge Park for a couple months instead of 182 games of baseball for which they had to travel all over the country .
“ Volleyball seems way more fun than baseball .
You get to switch positions and also move around a lot , which is probably a better workout .
Plus , I bet some of the taller guys like [ Jacob ] deGrom and [ Dellin ] Betances could probably spike the ball over the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ honest with ourselves by now that we ’ re never really going to get anywhere with this baseball thing , and it sucks to just keep losing to teams that are way better than us , so let ’ s just sign up for something where we can actually have fun.
” At press time , the Mets clubhouse had devolved into a heated argument after Juan Lagares said that volleyball sounded even worse than baseball and suggested just going bowling instead .

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

NEW YORK—Citing the group’s general lack of enthusiasm about the idea of playing another season of baseball, New York Mets first baseman Pete Alonso reportedly asked his teammates Friday whether they’d all rather sign up for volleyball this year. “We’ve been doing the baseball thing for a while now, but everyone gets so bored by the end, and besides, we’re not even that good at it, so I think we should switch it up and play volleyball instead,” said Alonso, adding that it would be way less of a time commitment to play volleyball one night a week in an intermediate rec league at Brooklyn Bridge Park for a couple months instead of 182 games of baseball for which they had to travel all over the country. “Volleyball seems way more fun than baseball. You get to switch positions and also move around a lot, which is probably a better workout. Plus, I bet some of the taller guys like [Jacob] deGrom and [Dellin] Betances could probably spike the ball over the net. I think we can be honest with ourselves by now that we’re never really going to get anywhere with this baseball thing, and it sucks to just keep losing to teams that are way better than us, so let’s just sign up for something where we can actually have fun.” At press time, the Mets clubhouse had devolved into a heated argument after Juan Lagares said that volleyball sounded even worse than baseball and suggested just going bowling instead.


theonion--2020-02-21--Anti-Cyberbullying Campaign Encourages Kids To Get Out There And Do It In Person

It ’ s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers .
But will @ @ @ @ @ is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the app store @ @ @ @ @ the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
@ @ @ @ @ $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

It’s the latest attempt to cut down on online abuse among middle and high schoolers. But will it work?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-21--Roger Stone Sentenced To Over 3 Years In Prison

President Trump ’ s former campaign advisor and longtime friend Roger Stone was sentenced to 40 months in prison for @ @ @ @ @ the investigation into Russiain meddling during the 2016 election .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ think we should be sending people to prison just because they have different opinions on @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s guilty of anything , it ’ s all the stuff he was @ @ @ @ @ , you do the crime , you do a tiny portion of the time .
@

President Trump’s former campaign advisor and longtime friend Roger Stone was sentenced to 40 months in prison for lying to Congress and obstructing the investigation into Russiain meddling during the 2016 election. What do you think?
“I don’t think we should be sending people to prison just because they have different opinions on committing felonies.” Gilberto Pierce • Unemployed
“If he’s guilty of anything, it’s all the stuff he was convicted of.” Nettie Boone • Earthenware Coordinator
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