theonion--2020-11-09--Alex Trebek Politely Listens To Lame Anecdote About Time Archangel Saw Bear

THE HEAVENS—Dutifully feigning interest as the celestial being recalled the incident , the ascended soul of late Jeopardy !
host Alex Trebek politely listened to an archangel ’ s lame anecdote about the time he saw a bear , sources from on high confirmed Monday .
“ My friend and I went to Yosemite once , and this big black bear just appeared out of nowhere , ” said the Archangel Michael , Prince of the Heavenly Host , who continued to recount the forgettable story as the beloved TV personality reportedly gave a cordial nod and tried to wrap @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t have any bear spray or anything , but it was fine , since it was pretty far away and , for the most part , they ’ re shy and timid creatures .
Apparently with black bears you ’ re supposed to make yourself appear larger , but with grizzlies you ’ re supposed to play dead .
They don ’ t have grizzlies at Yosemite , though .
Just black bears , and I ’ m not sure if this one even noticed us.
” Before the archangel could finish the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cut him off and begun speaking to the Archangel Raphael , who had a story about a time he served James Gandolfini in a coffee shop .

THE HEAVENS—Dutifully feigning interest as the celestial being recalled the incident, the ascended soul of late Jeopardy! host Alex Trebek politely listened to an archangel’s lame anecdote about the time he saw a bear, sources from on high confirmed Monday. “My friend and I went to Yosemite once, and this big black bear just appeared out of nowhere,” said the Archangel Michael, Prince of the Heavenly Host, who continued to recount the forgettable story as the beloved TV personality reportedly gave a cordial nod and tried to wrap things up. “We didn’t have any bear spray or anything, but it was fine, since it was pretty far away and, for the most part, they’re shy and timid creatures. Apparently with black bears you’re supposed to make yourself appear larger, but with grizzlies you’re supposed to play dead. They don’t have grizzlies at Yosemite, though. Just black bears, and I’m not sure if this one even noticed us.” Before the archangel could finish the story, Trebek is said to have cut him off and begun speaking to the Archangel Raphael, who had a story about a time he served James Gandolfini in a coffee shop.


theonion--2020-11-09--Joe Biden Announces Coronavirus Task Force

President-elect Joe Biden on Monday announced plans for a 12-person Covid-19 task force which will be charged with preparing a @ @ @ @ @ when he takes office in January .
What do you think ?
“ Really terri @ @ @ @ @ virus is going to put together to counter this.
” “ Biden is never going @ @ @ @ @ death count with that strategy.
” “ We ’ ve tried everything , I guess @ @ @ @ @ to give doctors a shot .
”

President-elect Joe Biden on Monday announced plans for a 12-person Covid-19 task force which will be charged with preparing a plan to fight the pandemic when he takes office in January. What do you think?
“Really terri fied of the team the virus is going to put together to counter this.” Harris Lasko • Unemployed
“Biden is never going to top Trump’s death count with that strategy.” Will Devine • Heirloom Duster
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theonion--2020-11-09--Nation Hopeful For Better Future Where Activist Celebrities Will Finally Shut The Fuck Up

NEW YORK—Looking forward to a new age of peace and prosperity , Americans across the country told reporters Monday that @ @ @ @ @ a better future when celebrity activists will finally shut the fuck up .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ up in a world without desperate A-listers belting out some dumb-as-shit song about voting , @ @ @ @ @ echoing the sentiments of 328 million Americans who expressed wishes to scroll through their social @ @ @ @ @ replying to Donald Trump ’ s tweets with some asinine bullshit .
“ I envision @ @ @ @ @ where I never hear that Kristen Bell and Lin-Manuel Miranda teamed up for a video @ @ @ @ @ sitcom stars don ’ t reunite to get out of the vote .
Maybe we @ @ @ @ @ point where they put a goddamn sock in it for once.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ new photograph of Zendaya and Woody Harrelson on a film set as a genuine sign @ @ @

NEW YORK—Looking forward to a new age of peace and prosperity, Americans across the country told reporters Monday that they were feeling hopeful for a better future when celebrity activists will finally shut the fuck up. “I want my kids to grow up in a world without desperate A-listers belting out some dumb-as-shit song about voting,” said Janice Caesar, echoing the sentiments of 328 million Americans who expressed wishes to scroll through their social media feeds without seeing celebrities replying to Donald Trump’s tweets with some asinine bullshit. “I envision a new America, one where I never hear that Kristen Bell and Lin-Manuel Miranda teamed up for a video. One where ’80s sitcom stars don’t reunite to get out of the vote. Maybe we’ll finally reach a point where they put a goddamn sock in it for once.” At press time, the nation praised a new photograph of Zendaya and Woody Harrelson on a film set as a genuine sign of progress.


theonion--2020-11-10--Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 10, 2020

If there is more to life than fishing , you don ’ t want to know what it is .
@ @ @ @ @ death from malnutrition and dehydration next week .

Gemini | May 21 to June 20
If there is more to life than fishing, you don’t want to know what it is. This will help explain your death from malnutrition and dehydration next week.


theonion--2020-11-10--OPR Health Insurance Lists Leslie Price As Employee’s Only In-Network Primary Care Provider

Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup .
You can find The @ @ @ @ @ Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Host Leslie Price sits down with staff members of The Topical for their annual checkup.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-10--Michigan Woman With 14 Sons Gives Birth To Daughter

A couple in Michigan with 14 sons aged 2 to 28 have announced the birth of their 15th child , @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ Not to b rag but I got a @ @ @ @ @ try.
” “ It ’ s going to be tough deciding which one they ’ @ @ @ @ @ ”

A couple in Michigan with 14 sons aged 2 to 28 have announced the birth of their 15th child, a daughter named Maggie Jayne. What do you think?
“Not to b rag but I got a girl baby on the first try.” Kelly Went, Housecoat Designer
“Everyone needs a hobby.” Keith Tanis, Fluoride Protester
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theonion--2020-11-10--McDonald’s To Launch ‘McPlant’ Meat Alternative

McDonald ’ s announced the company will release a plant-based burger in some markets next year , with the possibility @ @ @ @ @ breakfast sandwiches as well .
What do you think ?
“ There ’ s nothing @ @ @ @ @ savory flavor of plant .
”

McDonald’s announced the company will release a plant-based burger in some markets next year, with the possibility of adding plant-based chicken and breakfast sandwiches as well. What do you think?
“Hey, vegetarians des erve to eat like shit, too.” Andy Browne • Systems Analyst
“I thought 10 orders of fries was the meat alternative.” Ruth Harling • Bottle Cap Crimper
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theonion--2020-11-10--Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud

ATLANTA—Responding to President Donald Trump ’ s refusal to accept election results , Georgia Governor Brian Kemp unveiled a team @ @ @ @ @ for rooting out voter fraud .
“ These pigs can smell about 2,000 times better @ @ @ @ @ , making them the ideal team to locate fraudulent ballots buried deep in the mud @ @ @ @ @ who explained hundreds of the animals would be deployed across the state to investigate the @ @ @ @ @ the election was rigged against him .
“ Every legal vote will be counted , @ @ @ @ @ be unearthed from the ground by snout .
These hogs can detect a faulty signature @ @ @ @ @ in the ground and pick up the scent of a duplicate ballot from up to @ @ @ @ @ ’ s cutting-edge technology that can ’ t be hacked or compromised , and we @ @ @ @ @ illegally cast votes will be discovered.
” At press time , Kemp was preparing to @ @ @ @ @ trained voter- fraud-detecting dolphins after the hogs had rooted up nothing but truffles .

ATLANTA—Responding to President Donald Trump’s refusal to accept election results, Georgia Governor Brian Kemp unveiled a team of specially trained hogs Tuesday for rooting out voter fraud. “These pigs can smell about 2,000 times better than the average poll observer, making them the ideal team to locate fraudulent ballots buried deep in the mud,” said Kemp, who explained hundreds of the animals would be deployed across the state to investigate the president’s claims that the election was rigged against him. “Every legal vote will be counted, and every illegal vote will be unearthed from the ground by snout. These hogs can detect a faulty signature as deep as 9 feet in the ground and pick up the scent of a duplicate ballot from up to 5 miles away. It’s cutting-edge technology that can’t be hacked or compromised, and we’re confident thousands of illegally cast votes will be discovered.” At press time, Kemp was preparing to deploy a team of specially trained voter- fraud-detecting dolphins after the hogs had rooted up nothing but truffles.


theonion--2020-11-10--Scrambling Vatican Quickly Establishes Child Molestation As New Sacrament

VATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church came to light , a scrambling Vatican quickly issued a proclamation Tuesday establishing child molestation as a new sacrament .
“ We must properly address the role that child molestation plays in our church and in its leadership , which we will do by enshrining it as the eighth sacrament , and any person of the Roman Catholic faith who has not yet received this sacrament is encouraged to do so immediately , ” said a visibly panicked , sweating Pope Francis , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the Catechism of the Catholic Church as a sacrament of initiation alongside Baptism , Confirmation , and the Eucharist .
“ Being sexually abused at a young age by a member of the clergy is one of our most deeply spiritual and holy acts , and in giving and receiving these sacraments , we are acting according to God ’ s divine grace .
Of course , one must engage oneself completely in the study and practice of being sexually abused in order for the sacrament to be fully administered , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to teach these practices to future generations .
Some may say we are acting in haste today , but in fact we are simply acknowledging and preserving the rite that so many of our priests and church leaders have performed for generations.
” Before hurrying out of the press conference , Pope Francis confirmed that any deceased people who had not received the sacrament of child molestation were bound to eternal limbo .

VATICAN CITY—Backpedaling under increased scrutiny after more revelations of widespread sexual abuse cover-ups in the Catholic Church came to light, a scrambling Vatican quickly issued a proclamation Tuesday establishing child molestation as a new sacrament. “We must properly address the role that child molestation plays in our church and in its leadership, which we will do by enshrining it as the eighth sacrament, and any person of the Roman Catholic faith who has not yet received this sacrament is encouraged to do so immediately,” said a visibly panicked, sweating Pope Francis, adding that Child Molestation would be added to the Catechism of the Catholic Church as a sacrament of initiation alongside Baptism, Confirmation, and the Eucharist. “Being sexually abused at a young age by a member of the clergy is one of our most deeply spiritual and holy acts, and in giving and receiving these sacraments, we are acting according to God’s divine grace. Of course, one must engage oneself completely in the study and practice of being sexually abused in order for the sacrament to be fully administered, and once being initiated, you are expected to teach these practices to future generations. Some may say we are acting in haste today, but in fact we are simply acknowledging and preserving the rite that so many of our priests and church leaders have performed for generations.” Before hurrying out of the press conference, Pope Francis confirmed that any deceased people who had not received the sacrament of child molestation were bound to eternal limbo.


theonion--2020-11-10--Fucking Big Shot Chef Over Here Announces Plans To Smoke Turkey This Year

PARK CITY , UT—Apparently under the impression that he would be preparing a holiday meal for the goddamn Rockefellers , Ryan Platt , this fucking big shot chef over here , has plans to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving this year , extended family members confirmed Tuesday .
“ Well , well , well—listening to Mr. Michelin Star here , you ’ d think the only way to cook a turkey was to smoke it using a mixture of hickory and applewood , ” said Platt ’ s cousin Zak Hendrix , explaining that the little Gordon Ramsay was going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a solution containing bergamot peel and Sichuan peppercorns , if you could believe that .
“ I sure hope the pit master extraordinaire has fun waking up at 5:30 on Thanksgiving morning to get the smoker set up .
The best part is that he ordered a rare heritage breed of turkey , because it turns out a normal Butterball just isn ’ t good enough for him !
To hear our own resident James Beard Award winner tell it , you ’ d think everyone in his family had been doing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s relatives later asked whether they were allowed to stop by his place on Thanksgiving or whether they would need to make a reservation first .

PARK CITY, UT—Apparently under the impression that he would be preparing a holiday meal for the goddamn Rockefellers, Ryan Platt, this fucking big shot chef over here, has plans to smoke a turkey for Thanksgiving this year, extended family members confirmed Tuesday. “Well, well, well—listening to Mr. Michelin Star here, you’d think the only way to cook a turkey was to smoke it using a mixture of hickory and applewood,” said Platt’s cousin Zak Hendrix, explaining that the little Gordon Ramsay was going to spend 24 hours brining the turkey in a solution containing bergamot peel and Sichuan peppercorns, if you could believe that. “I sure hope the pit master extraordinaire has fun waking up at 5:30 on Thanksgiving morning to get the smoker set up. The best part is that he ordered a rare heritage breed of turkey, because it turns out a normal Butterball just isn’t good enough for him! To hear our own resident James Beard Award winner tell it, you’d think everyone in his family had been doing it wrong all these years.” Platt’s relatives later asked whether they were allowed to stop by his place on Thanksgiving or whether they would need to make a reservation first.


theonion--2020-11-10--Report: 70% Of Republicans Believe Election Hasn’t Happened Yet

‘ How Can You Declare A Winner Before A Single Vote Is Cast ?
’ Ask GOP Voters WASHINGTON—Spurred by President Donald Trump ’ s own refusal to accept the results , a new report issued by the Pew Research Center Tuesday found that 70 % of Republicans believe the U.S. election hasn ’ t happened yet .
“ It just doesn ’ t make sense—the major news networks are saying Joe Biden is the winner , but how can a winner be determined if no one ’ s had the chance to vote yet ?
” said respondent Neal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the majority of conservatives surveyed in calling upon Fox News to retract their presidential election results while as many as 150 million votes remained uncounted .
“ Frankly , it ’ s way too early to call any states , considering Election Day hasn ’ t arrived .
It ’ s not the mainstream media ’ s job to declare whether or not an election has occurred .
That will be for the Supreme Court to decide .
President Trump has every right not to concede an election that hasn ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are of the gains we ’ ve made in the House.
” At press time , a new report found 80 % of Republicans refused to acknowledge Joe Biden was ever a presidential candidate at all .

‘How Can You Declare A Winner Before A Single Vote Is Cast?’ Ask GOP Voters
WASHINGTON—Spurred by President Donald Trump’s own refusal to accept the results, a new report issued by the Pew Research Center Tuesday found that 70% of Republicans believe the U.S. election hasn’t happened yet. “It just doesn’t make sense—the major news networks are saying Joe Biden is the winner, but how can a winner be determined if no one’s had the chance to vote yet?” said respondent Neal Cooke, who echoed the concerns of the majority of conservatives surveyed in calling upon Fox News to retract their presidential election results while as many as 150 million votes remained uncounted. “Frankly, it’s way too early to call any states, considering Election Day hasn’t arrived. It’s not the mainstream media’s job to declare whether or not an election has occurred. That will be for the Supreme Court to decide. President Trump has every right not to concede an election that hasn’t even been held regardless of how happy we are of the gains we’ve made in the House.” At press time, a new report found 80% of Republicans refused to acknowledge Joe Biden was ever a presidential candidate at all.


theonion--2020-11-11--Asshole Monk Hogging Meditation Spot Under Waterfall For Whole Hour Now

WAKAYAMA , JAPAN—Expressing disbelief that their colleague had failed to notice the long line of practitioners stretching back to the temple , sources at Seiganto-Ji monastery confirmed Wednesday that an asshole monk has been hogging the best meditation spot under a nearby waterfall for a whole hour now .
“ Come on , buddy , we all know you don ’ t need more than 30 minutes to see the emptiness of the ego , especially under the most tranquil waterfall in the whole goddamn prefecture , ” said Junior Priest Ryōgen Ichishima , adding that he had tried to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had just pretended he was too “ blissed out ” sitting in his full lotus position before the cascading water and mountainside scenery to even notice .
“ Well , don ’ t worry , pal .
Time is a fucking illusion , so take as much of it drinking in the gorgeous scenery as you want .
Hey , I ’ ll just drop off body and mind over here in the dusty corner of the meditation hall .
Enjoy transcendence , you prick.
” At press time , the infuriated Ichishima @ @ @ @ @ @ @ another 15 minutes and then really show the careless fuck that life is suffering .

WAKAYAMA, JAPAN—Expressing disbelief that their colleague had failed to notice the long line of practitioners stretching back to the temple, sources at Seiganto-Ji monastery confirmed Wednesday that an asshole monk has been hogging the best meditation spot under a nearby waterfall for a whole hour now. “Come on, buddy, we all know you don’t need more than 30 minutes to see the emptiness of the ego, especially under the most tranquil waterfall in the whole goddamn prefecture,” said Junior Priest Ryōgen Ichishima, adding that he had tried to cough politely, but the meditating jackass had just pretended he was too “blissed out” sitting in his full lotus position before the cascading water and mountainside scenery to even notice. “Well, don’t worry, pal. Time is a fucking illusion, so take as much of it drinking in the gorgeous scenery as you want. Hey, I’ll just drop off body and mind over here in the dusty corner of the meditation hall. Enjoy transcendence, you prick.” At press time, the infuriated Ichishima had announced his intention to give it another 15 minutes and then really show the careless fuck that life is suffering.


theonion--2020-11-11--Soldier Faces Difficult Adjustment To Life At Home After Long Trip To Bathroom

On this Veteran ’ s Day , The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to @ @ @ @ @ and grueling tour of duty .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

On this Veteran’s Day, The Topical honors one brave service member and his long road back to normalcy after a particularly long and grueling tour of duty.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-11--Mother Bear And Cub Shot Attempting To Board Nuclear Submarine

The Russian Navy says it was forced to shoot a mother bear and her cub after the pair climbed aboard @ @ @ @ @ docked at a military port , though footage from the incident drew outrage on social @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ That ’ s why y ou ’ re supposed to hang your @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s getting harder and harder to be a single mother these days @ @

The Russian Navy says it was forced to shoot a mother bear and her cub after the pair climbed aboard a nuclear submarine that was docked at a military port, though footage from the incident drew outrage on social media. What do you think?
“That’s why y ou’re supposed to hang your submarine from a tree.” Peter Norgate, Battery Tester
“Napoleon, Hitler, these bears—you simply can’t invade Russia.” Holly Smith, Coronation Planner
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theonion--2020-11-11--‘I...I Am The Mainstream Media,’ Realizes Horrified Tucker Carlson Spiraling Live On Air

WASHINGTON—Coming to the realization in front of millions of viewers during the broadcast of his show , a horrified Tucker Carlson stated , ‘ I…I am the mainstream media ’ Wednesday as he began spiraling live on air .
“ We ’ ve discovered evidence of rampant voter fraud , and the president has every right to call for an investigation even if the mainstream media thinks ... ” said Carlson , who trailed off , stared down at his shaking hands , and felt a sudden ringing in his ears as he looked back up and zeroed in on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The media says…wait .
Those liars on TV will try to tell you…oh God .
We ’ re the number- one program on cable news , aren ’ t we ?
Fox News…Fox ‘ News.
’ It ’ s the media .
It ’ s me .
This can ’ t be .
No , no , no , no .
Jesus Christ , I make $ 6 million a year .
Get that camera off me !
” At press time , Carlson had torn the microphone from his lapel and fled @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Coming to the realization in front of millions of viewers during the broadcast of his show, a horrified Tucker Carlson stated, ‘I…I am the mainstream media’ Wednesday as he began spiraling live on air. “We’ve discovered evidence of rampant voter fraud, and the president has every right to call for an investigation even if the mainstream media thinks...” said Carlson, who trailed off, stared down at his shaking hands, and felt a sudden ringing in his ears as he looked back up and zeroed in on the production crew surrounding him. “The media says…wait. Those liars on TV will try to tell you…oh God. We’re the number- one program on cable news, aren’t we? Fox News…Fox ‘News.’ It’s the media. It’s me. This can’t be. No, no, no, no. Jesus Christ, I make $6 million a year. Get that camera off me!” At press time, Carlson had torn the microphone from his lapel and fled the set in panic.


theonion--2020-11-11--Apologetic Man Regrets Driving Wedge Into Country By Voting

SAVANNAH , GA—Apologizing for the part he had played in the current political dispute that was dividing the country , @ @ @ @ @ reporters Wednesday he regrets driving a wedge into the country by voting .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ to myself and not even filled out a ballot if I had known that the @ @ @ @ @ contentious , ” said Swick , lamenting his participation in the democratic process that had @ @ @ @ @ the United States .
“ I was just trying to help determine who would be @ @ @ @ @ will of the people , but instead , it just made things worse .
If @ @ @ @ @ vote was going to lead to all this drama , I would have just stayed @ @ @ @ @ work it out among themselves.
” At press time , Swick was reportedly calling his @ @ @ @ @ sorry and find out if there was any way he could take back his vote @

SAVANNAH, GA—Apologizing for the part he had played in the current political dispute that was dividing the country, local man Dale Swick told reporters Wednesday he regrets driving a wedge into the country by voting. “I would have kept my opinions to myself and not even filled out a ballot if I had known that the election results would be so contentious,” said Swick, lamenting his participation in the democratic process that had caused a huge rift across the United States. “I was just trying to help determine who would be best suited to represent the will of the people, but instead, it just made things worse. If I had known that my vote was going to lead to all this drama, I would have just stayed home and let the candidates work it out among themselves.” At press time, Swick was reportedly calling his local city clerk to say sorry and find out if there was any way he could take back his vote.


theonion--2020-11-11--CDC Issues Updated Thanksgiving Guidelines

The Centers for Disease Control has updated its holiday guidelines ahead of Thanksgiving , urging Americans to stay home and @ @ @ @ @ household gatherings are a major contributor to the worsening coronavirus pandemic .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ telling me it ’ s patriotic to avoid my family is a government I can @ @ @ @ @ always has the best recipes , so I trust them .
”

The Centers for Disease Control has updated its holiday guidelines ahead of Thanksgiving, urging Americans to stay home and avoid indoor get-togethers as small household gatherings are a major contributor to the worsening coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
“Don’t worry, we got the turkey tested.” Thomas Weinberger • Unemployed
“A government telling me it’s patriotic to avoid my family is a government I can trust.” Noel Murphy • Crochet Blogger
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theonion--2020-11-11--Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Cr

Woman Mentally Scans Everything She Knows About Friend Before Launching Into Rant Against Healing Crystals

YOUNGSTOWN , OH—Treading carefully to avoid any hurt feelings , local woman Erin Lippert reportedly took a moment Wednesday to mentally scan everything she knew about her friend before launching into a rant against healing crystals .
“ I was planning to tell Nina about this dumbass amethyst necklace my sister-in-law bought that she claims will protect her mind from negative energy , but then I thought , ‘ Wait , what if Nina believes in that shit too ?
’ ” said Lippert , adding that she then scoured her memory for any detail about her friend that might @ @ @ @ @ @ @ notion that quartz and other crystals could be used to harness mysterious spiritual forces and heal the sick .
“ I do remember one time she said she was more spiritual than religious , which is a huge red flag , of course .
But her house isn ’ t decorated with any framed quotes from n ew a ge gurus or anything like that .
While she does own a salt lamp , she also told me that it was a gift and she likes its ambiance , so she may not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ air or whatever .
Hmm .
Maybe I ’ ll just mention in passing that I ’ m a Sagittarius and see if she says anything wacky.
” At press time , sources confirmed Lippert was nodding with a tight-lipped smile as her friend shared how a recent chiropractic visit had cured her psoriasis .

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Treading carefully to avoid any hurt feelings, local woman Erin Lippert reportedly took a moment Wednesday to mentally scan everything she knew about her friend before launching into a rant against healing crystals. “I was planning to tell Nina about this dumbass amethyst necklace my sister-in-law bought that she claims will protect her mind from negative energy, but then I thought, ‘Wait, what if Nina believes in that shit too?’” said Lippert, adding that she then scoured her memory for any detail about her friend that might suggest the woman subscribed to the pseudoscientific notion that quartz and other crystals could be used to harness mysterious spiritual forces and heal the sick. “I do remember one time she said she was more spiritual than religious, which is a huge red flag, of course. But her house isn’t decorated with any framed quotes from n ew a ge gurus or anything like that. While she does own a salt lamp, she also told me that it was a gift and she likes its ambiance, so she may not actually think it absorbs toxins from the air or whatever. Hmm. Maybe I’ll just mention in passing that I’m a Sagittarius and see if she says anything wacky.” At press time, sources confirmed Lippert was nodding with a tight-lipped smile as her friend shared how a recent chiropractic visit had cured her psoriasis.


theonion--2020-11-11--Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Dos

Pfizer Announces First Batch Of Coronavirus Vaccine Will Be Collector’s Edition Limited To 2,000 Doses

NEW YORK—Following this week ’ s news that the immunization may be 90 % effective in preventing Covid-19 , pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced in an advertisement Wednesday that the first batch of its highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine would arrive in a collector ’ s edition limited to 2,000 doses .
“ Pfizer is proud to offer an exclusive early release of our new vaccine in a custom-made Swarovski crystal syringe with a 24-karat gold needle , ” the glossy magazine ad read in part , noting that each dose would come in a handcrafted mahogany case and be accompanied with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla .
“ The Covid-19 Platinum Edition Vaccine is a must-have for vaccinophiles and sure to quickly increase in value .
Act now , and you ’ ll also receive a leather-bound volume filled with freehand ink drawings of the novel coronavirus ’ s genome sequence , as well as historic early sketches of our life-saving vaccine ’ s chemical structure .
This legendary piece of inoculative history can be yours for only $ 4,999.
” At press time , reports confirmed all doses of the vaccine had sold out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ times their original price on the secondary market .

NEW YORK—Following this week’s news that the immunization may be 90% effective in preventing Covid-19, pharmaceutical giant Pfizer announced in an advertisement Wednesday that the first batch of its highly anticipated coronavirus vaccine would arrive in a collector’s edition limited to 2,000 doses. “Pfizer is proud to offer an exclusive early release of our new vaccine in a custom-made Swarovski crystal syringe with a 24-karat gold needle,” the glossy magazine ad read in part, noting that each dose would come in a handcrafted mahogany case and be accompanied with an official certificate of authenticity signed by Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla. “The Covid-19 Platinum Edition Vaccine is a must-have for vaccinophiles and sure to quickly increase in value. Act now, and you’ll also receive a leather-bound volume filled with freehand ink drawings of the novel coronavirus’s genome sequence, as well as historic early sketches of our life-saving vaccine’s chemical structure. This legendary piece of inoculative history can be yours for only $4,999.” At press time, reports confirmed all doses of the vaccine had sold out immediately and were now going for 10 times their original price on the secondary market.


theonion--2020-11-11--Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Home

Health Officials Warn Holiday Travel Could Cause Spike In Millions Of Americans Falling For Old Hometown Flame

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing what a huge risk it was to the nation ’ s already- damaged emotional health , officials warned Wednesday that holiday travel could cause a spike in millions of Americans falling for their old hometown flame .
“ To anyone thinking of flying or driving home this Thanksgiving , please , consider how easy it could be to run into your old high school sweetheart , make eye contact from across a bar , and instantly fall back in love , ” said CDC spokesperson Brian Nadler , adding that although domestic travel might seem safe , spending a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , driving his car to the place where you had your first kiss , and rekindling lost , passionate memories of youth could destroy your lives .
“ While we understand the urge to travel during the holidays , waking up in his bed after a one- night stand and discovering that he just got engaged to another woman in your hometown isn ’ t worth it .
The truth is , even limited exposure to former flames is dangerous and could leave you in tears , wallowing in self pity with severe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added that if people had to travel , they should wear a mask to keep former lovers from recognizing them and quarantine for at least 14 days after catching feelings .

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing what a huge risk it was to the nation’s already- damaged emotional health, officials warned Wednesday that holiday travel could cause a spike in millions of Americans falling for their old hometown flame. “To anyone thinking of flying or driving home this Thanksgiving, please, consider how easy it could be to run into your old high school sweetheart, make eye contact from across a bar, and instantly fall back in love,” said CDC spokesperson Brian Nadler, adding that although domestic travel might seem safe, spending a whirlwind 24 hours with an old torch, driving his car to the place where you had your first kiss, and rekindling lost, passionate memories of youth could destroy your lives. “While we understand the urge to travel during the holidays, waking up in his bed after a one- night stand and discovering that he just got engaged to another woman in your hometown isn’t worth it. The truth is, even limited exposure to former flames is dangerous and could leave you in tears, wallowing in self pity with severe heartbreak.” At press time, Nadler added that if people had to travel, they should wear a mask to keep former lovers from recognizing them and quarantine for at least 14 days after catching feelings.


theonion--2020-11-11--History Of Presidential Transitions Of Power

The peaceful transition of power is historically a hallmark of the American presidency , but the process hasn ’ t always gone smoothly .
The Onion looks back at a history of presidential transitions .
1797 : John Adams gets nation off to lame , cowardly start by peacefully accepting George Washington ’ s power instead of assassinating him and seizing it by force .
1837 : Introduction of indoor plumbing in the White House allows Andrew Jackson to become the first president to leave his successor an upper-decker in the presidential toilet .
1861 : James Buchanan ends transition @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s a teensy chance civil war could break out soon , so , you know , good luck with that .
1865 : Despite his reputation as a master statesman , Lincoln leaves no transition plan for his successor .
1873 : Transition from first-term Ulysses S. Grant to second-term Ulysses S. Grant goes off without a hitch .
1969 : Richard Nixon immediately sets to work putting own stamp on the office by ordering a full redecoration of Vietnam .
1980 : Carters agree to move into guest bedroom for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ carpets cleaned .
2001 : Bill Clinton ’ s staffers remove all the Ws from White House keyboards to slight the incoming George W. Bush , which led to issues nine months later when two planes hit the orld Trade Center .
2009 : Bush runs back into White House after remembering three other countries America was bombing he ’ d forgotten to tell Obama about .

The peaceful transition of power is historically a hallmark of the American presidency, but the process hasn’t always gone smoothly. The Onion looks back at a history of presidential transitions.
1797: John Adams gets nation off to lame, cowardly start by peacefully accepting George Washington’s power instead of assassinating him and seizing it by force.
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1837: Introduction of indoor plumbing in the White House allows Andrew Jackson to become the first president to leave his successor an upper-decker in the presidential toilet.
1861: James Buchanan ends transition letter to Abraham Lincoln by informing him there’s a teensy chance civil war could break out soon, so, you know, good luck with that.
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1865: Despite his reputation as a master statesman, Lincoln leaves no transition plan for his successor.
1873: Transition from first-term Ulysses S. Grant to second-term Ulysses S. Grant goes off without a hitch.
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1969: Richard Nixon immediately sets to work putting own stamp on the office by ordering a full redecoration of Vietnam.
1980: Carters agree to move into guest bedroom for two months so Nancy Reagan could have carpets cleaned.
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2001: Bill Clinton’s staffers remove all the Ws from White House keyboards to slight the incoming George W. Bush, which led to issues nine months later when two planes hit the orld Trade Center.
2009: Bush runs back into White House after remembering three other countries America was bombing he’d forgotten to tell Obama about.
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2017: Obama finally hands Trump keys to Mar-a-Lago.


theonion--2020-11-11--Jeff Bezos Wears Disguise To Secretly Assess Whole Foods Employees

SEATTLE—Painting green stripes across his face and crouching down at the bottom of a wooden produce crate , Jeff Bezos @ @ @ @ @ medium-sized watermelon Wednesday in order to secretly assess Whole Foods employees .
Several reports confirmed @ @ @ @ @ $ 188.9 billion , was nestled covertly in a pile of watermelons , opening his @ @ @ @ @ several occasions before mumbling the words “ too slow ” and “ breach of dress @ @ @ @ @ device .
According to witnesses , however , Bezos almost blew his cover on multiple @ @ @ @ @ female customer picked up his head and started slapping it to see if it was @ @ @ @ @ sneezed after an automatic misting system sprayed his face , and once after he bit @ @ @ @ @ at him and telling his mom “ that melon looks weird.
” After spending upwards @ @ @ @ @ infractions , Bezos reportedly began to scream and loudly fire several em ployees after a @ @ @ @ @ staff nearly chopped his skull in half .

SEATTLE—Painting green stripes across his face and crouching down at the bottom of a wooden produce crate, Jeff Bezos reportedly disguised himself as a medium-sized watermelon Wednesday in order to secretly assess Whole Foods employees. Several reports confirmed the Amazon CEO, worth $188.9 billion, was nestled covertly in a pile of watermelons , opening his eyes briefly and scowling on several occasions before mumbling the words “too slow” and “breach of dress code” into a recording device. According to witnesses, however, Bezos almost blew his cover on multiple occasions, once when a female customer picked up his head and started slapping it to see if it was ripe, once when he sneezed after an automatic misting system sprayed his face, and once after he bit a child who kept pointing at him and telling his mom “that melon looks weird.” After spending upwards of five hours recording countless infractions, Bezos reportedly began to scream and loudly fire several em ployees after a member of the juice bar staff nearly chopped his skull in half.


theonion--2020-11-12--Looking Back On The Onion’s First 15,000 Years Of Coronavirus Coverage

As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic , America ’ s Finest News @ @ @ @ @ insightful , accurate , and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19 .

As the mainstream media squanders its journalistic integrity by ignoring a devastating global pandemic, America’s Finest News Source has provided the most insightful, accurate, and truly divisive reporting on Covid-19.


theonion--2020-11-12--New United Ultra Economy Class Tickets Lets Passengers Get Dragged Behind Plane By Giant Rope

Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying , comfortable , @ @ @ @ @ flight option .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

Hear why United Airlines and customers alike are calling the new Ultra Economy option just as satisfying, comfortable, and safe as any other flight option.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-12--‘Full House’ Home Purchased For $5.35 Million

The three-story , four-bedroom Victorian home featured in the opening credits of Full House has sold for $ 5.35 million @ @ @ @ @ original asking price of $ 5.99 million .
What do you think ?
“ I @ @ @ @ @ nywhere that gets a theme song stuck in my head .
”

The three-story, four-bedroom Victorian home featured in the opening credits of Full House has sold for $5.35 million, $640,000 under the original asking price of $5.99 million. What do you think?
“I’m not living a nywhere that gets a theme song stuck in my head.” Clint Stromberg • Volunteer Security Guard
“Good luck getting the Bob Saget smell out.” Liv Pierce • Jelly Vendor
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theonion--2020-11-12--Britney Spears Loses Bid To Remove Father As Conservator

A Los Angeles court has denied Britney Spears ’ attempt to remove her father from the conservatorship of her estate @ @ @ @ @ pop star say she will not perform while he remains her legal guardian as she @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Next ti me she should ask her father if @ @ @ @ @ .
”

A Los Angeles court has denied Britney Spears’ attempt to remove her father from the conservatorship of her estate, while lawyers for the pop star say she will not perform while he remains her legal guardian as she is afraid of him. What do you think?
“Next ti me she should ask her father if she can hire better lawyers.” Adam Burgess • Stool Carpenter
“No one should be running Britney’s life except her fans.” Kathleen Kesten • Birthday Clown
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theonion--2020-11-12--‘So, Do You Play?’ Asks Girlfriend’s Little Brother, Gesturing Grandly To Ping-Pong Table

BUTLER , NJ— Removing two paddles from their cloth sheaths , Robbie , the little brother of local man Brian @ @ @ @ @ the interloper ‘ Do you play ?
’ Thursday while grandly gest uring to the @ @ @ @ @ “ Are you familiar with the grand game ?
Perhaps we could measure ourselves man @ @ @ @ @ the 10-year-old Robbie , bouncing a ping-pong ball on his paddle before driving it cleanly @ @ @ @ @ table and past Feehan .
“ Many of my sister ’ s suitors who passed @ @ @ @ @ their hand .
I ’ ve always found them lacking .
I ’ ve always @ @ @ @ @ about a person from the way they comport themselves at the ping-pong table .
So @ @ @ @ @ we volley for serve ?
” At press time Robbie was grinning in anticipation at @ @ @ @ @ Feehan adopt a Seemiller grip .

BUTLER, NJ— Removing two paddles from their cloth sheaths, Robbie, the little brother of local man Brian Feehan’s girlfriend asked the interloper ‘Do you play?’ Thursday while grandly gest uring to the ping-pong table behind them. “Are you familiar with the grand game? Perhaps we could measure ourselves man against man,” said the 10-year-old Robbie, bouncing a ping-pong ball on his paddle before driving it cleanly down the middle of the table and past Feehan. “Many of my sister’s suitors who passed through this basement have tried their hand. I’ve always found them lacking. I’ve always thought you could learn much about a person from the way they comport themselves at the ping-pong table. So what say you, shall we volley for serve?” At press time Robbie was grinning in anticipation at a worthy opponent after seeing Feehan adopt a Seemiller grip.


theonion--2020-11-12--Supreme Court Strikes Down Obama’s Personal Health Insurance Policy

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation , the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it @ @ @ @ @ Obama ’ s personal health insurance policy .
“ The court holds that Barack Obama @ @ @ @ @ HMO to provide health coverage for himself , his wife Michelle , and his daughters @ @ @ @ @ in blatant violation of the N inth A mendment , ” said Chief Justice Roberts @ @ @ @ @ coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the @ @ @ @ @ , all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will @ @ @ @ @ including medical , prescription , and dental .
Congress has no authority to reinstate these @ @ @ @ @ Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO , EPO , POS , or other @ @ @ @ @ , dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested , adding that such a precedent could open the doors @ @ @ @ @ to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance .

WASHINGTON—In a 5-4 decision that shocked legal experts across the nation, the Supreme Court made waves Thursday when it struck down former president Barack Obama’s personal health insurance policy. “The court holds that Barack Obama’s use of an HMO to provide health coverage for himself, his wife Michelle, and his daughters Sasha and Malia, is in blatant violation of the N inth A mendment,” said Chief Justice Roberts, who added that existing coverage for all other Americans would remain unaffected except for the former president and the first family. “Henceforth, all African American men who were the 44th president of the United States will be stripped of coverage, including medical, prescription, and dental. Congress has no authority to reinstate these plans, or allow Barack Obama to purchase health insurance through a PPO, EPO, POS, or other means.” At press time, dissenting Justice Sotomayor protested, adding that such a precedent could open the doors to allowing the Supreme Court to strip 39th U.S. president Jimmy Carter of his personal health insurance.


theonion--2020-11-12--Jared Goff, Rams Come To Terms On 2-Year Contract Reduction

LOS ANGELES—Finally completing a long-sought move to ensure a winning future for the organization , the Los Angeles Rams and @ @ @ @ @ that they had come to terms on a two-year contract reduction .
“ We believe @ @ @ @ @ both sides , and are thrilled to get out ahead of future contract disputes and @ @ @ @ @ s time here , ” said Rams general manager Les Snead , who noted that @ @ @ @ @ the franchise over the past few years , the quarterback had earned the right to @ @ @ @ @ We want our fans to know we are always willing to do what it takes @ @ @ @ @ s been a priority to lock Jared into leaving , and this was a better @ @ @ @ @ going to offer him .
We know he ’ s excited about being the face @ @ @ @ @ for years to come.
” Snead also added that the new contract included generous guaranteed @ @ @ @ @ Goff simply does not attend .

LOS ANGELES—Finally completing a long-sought move to ensure a winning future for the organization, the Los Angeles Rams and quarterback Jared Goff announced Thursday that they had come to terms on a two-year contract reduction. “We believe this is a win-win for both sides, and are thrilled to get out ahead of future contract disputes and cut down on Jared’s time here,” said Rams general manager Les Snead, who noted that after everything Goff had shown the franchise over the past few years, the quarterback had earned the right to be cut loose. “We want our fans to know we are always willing to do what it takes to win. It’s been a priority to lock Jared into leaving, and this was a better deal than anyone was ever going to offer him. We know he’s excited about being the face of the Raiders’ bench for years to come.” Snead also added that the new contract included generous guaranteed money provisions for every game Goff simply does not attend .


theonion--2020-11-13--N.Y. Jets Sued For Millions After Using Unlicensed Cheering Sounds From Other Teams

FLORHAM PARK , NJ—Decrying the blatant lifting of audio files for in-stadium noise during quarantine , the New York Jets were sued for millions Friday following the franchise ’ s unlicensed use of other team s ’ cheering sounds .
“ It is obvious to any listener these sounds of joy and applause were not created by the New York Jets football team , ” said Eric Jarvis , an attorney representing several organizations including the Ravens and Seahawks , who claimed the damaged parties had never given permission for the sound of their fans cheering for touchdowns and celebrating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The Packers and my other clients have worked hard to generate these outpourings of celebratory sound , and for the Jets to lift them like this is outrageous .
People that hear this might get the idea that fans support this team , and that is an outright lie .
In fact , these sounds being played during Jets games cheapen the entire act of cheering itself , as well as directly harming the value of these franchises and the NFL.
” At press time the Jets ’ legal team had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ locking themselves out of their office , losing their cell phones , and then inadvertently burning the building down while trying to break back in .

FLORHAM PARK, NJ—Decrying the blatant lifting of audio files for in-stadium noise during quarantine, the New York Jets were sued for millions Friday following the franchise’s unlicensed use of other team s’ cheering sounds. “It is obvious to any listener these sounds of joy and applause were not created by the New York Jets football team,” said Eric Jarvis, an attorney representing several organizations including the Ravens and Seahawks, who claimed the damaged parties had never given permission for the sound of their fans cheering for touchdowns and celebrating interceptions to be used by the Jets. “The Packers and my other clients have worked hard to generate these outpourings of celebratory sound, and for the Jets to lift them like this is outrageous. People that hear this might get the idea that fans support this team, and that is an outright lie. In fact, these sounds being played during Jets games cheapen the entire act of cheering itself , as well as directly harming the value of these franchises and the NFL.” At press time the Jets’ legal team had failed to show at court after accidentally locking themselves out of their office, losing their cell phones, and then inadvertently burning the building down while trying to break back in.


theonion--2020-11-13--Michelle Obama Fuming After Barack Also Titles New Memoir ‘Becoming’

WASHINGTON—Calling the discovery “ unbelievable , ” Michelle Obama was reportedly fuming Friday after learning Barack Obama had also titled his new memoir Becoming .
“ I know I don ’ t own a trademark on the word ‘ becoming , ’ but what the fuck , Barack ?
” said the former first lady , who was bewildered after coming across an advanced reading copy of her husband ’ s latest book hidden under a pile of clutter on his desk .
“ Was he going to tell me or was he just going to wait for me to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even has his chin on his hand , Jesus Christ .
It ’ s not like he can claim ignorance on this one either because he read mine and assured me that he liked it .
This is why he kept giving me all those suggestions like ‘ you should call it Me , Myself , Michelle.
’ That goddamn son of a bitch.
” At press time , Michelle Obama was calling her husband ’ s cell phone after noticing a glowing blurb on the book jacket attributed to her that she @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Calling the discovery “unbelievable,” Michelle Obama was reportedly fuming Friday after learning Barack Obama had also titled his new memoir Becoming. “I know I don’t own a trademark on the word ‘becoming,’ but what the fuck, Barack?” said the former first lady, who was bewildered after coming across an advanced reading copy of her husband’s latest book hidden under a pile of clutter on his desk. “Was he going to tell me or was he just going to wait for me to see it at the store? He even has his chin on his hand, Jesus Christ. It’s not like he can claim ignorance on this one either because he read mine and assured me that he liked it. This is why he kept giving me all those suggestions like ‘you should call it Me, Myself, Michelle.’ That goddamn son of a bitch.” At press time, Michelle Obama was calling her husband’s cell phone after noticing a glowing blurb on the book jacket attributed to her that she had never written.


theonion--2020-11-13--Irresponsible Neighbor Having Ton Of People Over During Pandemic

APPLETON , WI—Utterly disregarding the Centers for Disease Control ’ s Covid-19 safety guidelines , irresponsible neighbor Edith Bernstein , @ @ @ @ @ ton of visitors over to her house , local sources reported Friday .
“ Who @ @ @ @ @ she is hosting a gathering like that while cases are skyrocketing ?
” said next-door @ @ @ @ @ that she noticed the get-together after she woke up to blaring sirens and spotted the @ @ @ @ @ of Bernstein ’ s house next to an ambulance .
“ Jesus , some people @ @ @ @ @ has all kinds of visitors going in and out of there , and they ’ @ @ @ @ @ maintain proper social distance !
Not to mention that an older person in a high-risk @ @ @ @ @ be letting guests make physical contact with her , even if they are wearing full @ @ @ @ @ , Perkins had reportedly called the police , hoping they would disperse the emergency vehicles @ @ @ @ @ .

APPLETON, WI—Utterly disregarding the Centers for Disease Control’s Covid-19 safety guidelines, irresponsible neighbor Edith Bernstein, 94, was having a ton of visitors over to her house, local sources reported Friday. “Who the hell does she think she is hosting a gathering like that while cases are skyrocketing?” said next-door neighbor Laura Perkins, adding that she noticed the get-together after she woke up to blaring sirens and spotted the group hanging out in front of Bernstein’s house next to an ambulance. “Jesus, some people are so selfish. She has all kinds of visitors going in and out of there, and they’re not even trying to maintain proper social distance! Not to mention that an older person in a high-risk category really shouldn’t be letting guests make physical contact with her, even if they are wearing full PPE.” At press time, Perkins had reportedly called the police, hoping they would disperse the emergency vehicles outside Bernstein’s home.


theonion--2020-11-13--Nation Regrets Not Signing Prenup After Finding Out Trump Entitled To Half Of Country’s Assets

Hear how Trump ’ s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation ’ s belongings , and why the @ @ @ @ @ to have to pony up .
Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators .
@ @ @ @ @ and creators… Read more You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Hear how Trump’s lawyers plan to aggressively go after the nation’s belongings, and why the American people are likely going to have to pony up.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-13--Failed Art Restoration Draws Calls For Stricter Oversight

Professional art conservationists in Spain are demanding more oversight after an amateur restoration left a 97-year-old statue with grotesque features @ @ @ @ @ , ” with many likening the incident to “ Monkey Christ , ” a botched @ @ @ @ @ in 2012 .
What do you think ?
“ This is what happens when society @ @ @ @ @ look yo ung.
” “ Oh please , even my kid could destroy a priceless @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Why are they trying to kill the most exciting new genre of art @ @ @ @ @

Professional art conservationists in Spain are demanding more oversight after an amateur restoration left a 97-year-old statue with grotesque features and a “potato head,” with many likening the incident to “Monkey Christ,” a botched repainting that gained international attention in 2012. What do you think?
“This is what happens when society is constantly pressuring artworks to look yo ung.” JoAnne Morton, Coin Polisher
“Oh please, even my kid could destroy a priceless piece of art like that.” Jim Shaw, Funeral Planner
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theonion--2020-11-13--The Must-Have Xbox Series X Launch Titles

The Falconeer : Oh , to control the majestic falcon !
The wolf of the sky , the feathered lord @ @ @ @ @ birds of prey with excellent visual acuity .
Long have gamers desired to control their @ @ @ @ @ of almost 200 miles per hour , capturing ducks , gulls , and songbirds in @ @ @ @ @ talons .
My my , what a marvelous feeling .

The Falconeer: Oh, to control the majestic falcon! The wolf of the sky, the feathered lord of the hunt, the birds of prey with excellent visual acuity. Long have gamers desired to control their tapered wings, acquiring speeds of almost 200 miles per hour, capturing ducks, gulls, and songbirds in your small but firmly clasped talons. My my, what a marvelous feeling.


theonion--2020-11-13--What Trump Hopes To Accomplish Before Leaving The White House

On January 20 , 2021 , Donald Trump will leave office at the end of his presidential term , coup @ @ @ @ @ what President Trump hopes to accomplish over his final two months in office .
• @ @ @ @ @ pledge to stand in middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody .
• Hold yard @ @ @ @ @ legal battles and recounts .
• Award Twitter user @ 920274749_000 the Presidential Medal of @ @ @ @ @ past four years .
• Humor the hapless boys and girls in intelligence by listening @ @ @ @ @ .
• Honor the teachings of his Lord and Savior , Jesus Christ .
• @ @ @ @ @ ghost to say one kind thing .
• As presidential tradition goes , leave the @ @ @ @ @ than he found it .

On January 20, 2021, Donald Trump will leave office at the end of his presidential term, coup permitting. Here’s what President Trump hopes to accomplish over his final two months in office.
An unfathomably high amount of document shredding.
Sunrise yoga on the National Mall.
Finally follow through on campaign pledge to stand in middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody.
Hold yard sale to raise money for legal battles and recounts.
Award Twitter user @920274749_000 the Presidential Medal of Valor for unwavering support over past four years.
Humor the hapless boys and girls in intelligence by listening to even one morning briefing.
Honor the teachings of his Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.
Install ultrasonic alarms to torment Joe Biden’s dogs 24 hours a day.
Get his father’s ghost to say one kind thing.
As presidential tradition goes, leave the country in a worse place than he found it.


theonion--2020-11-13--Pence Creates Exploratory Committee To Find More Charismatic Candidate To Attach Self To In 2024

WASHINGTON—Confirming the vice president was already “ testing the waters , ” Beltway insiders reported Friday that Mike Pence had created an exploratory committee to find another candidate more charismatic than himself whom he could serve as running mate in 2024 .
“ Mike Pence hopes to win office in four years by joining the ticket of someone who actually displays a discernible personality of some kind , ” said exploratory committee co-chair James Conroy , adding that he had begun surveying potential candidates who possessed any degree of personal magnetism—any at all—and thus might propel Pence back to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re poring over the data to ensure the vice president makes a good decision about whose coattails he should ride going forward .
As in 2016 , there won ’ t be any litmus test based on ideology or character , so long as Mr. Pence is able to hold a prestigious position while doing little more than remaining silent and nodding from time to time .
He doesn ’ t even care if it ’ s a Republican or a Democrat .
He might have some trouble if it were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the day , he ’ s a seasoned VP ready to be unswervingly loyal to anyone who can win the White House.
” At press time , Conroy stated that within 24 hours of its formation , the exploratory committee had successfully identified over 320 million Americans with more charisma than Mike Pence .

WASHINGTON—Confirming the vice president was already “testing the waters,” Beltway insiders reported Friday that Mike Pence had created an exploratory committee to find another candidate more charismatic than himself whom he could serve as running mate in 2024. “Mike Pence hopes to win office in four years by joining the ticket of someone who actually displays a discernible personality of some kind,” said exploratory committee co-chair James Conroy, adding that he had begun surveying potential candidates who possessed any degree of personal magnetism—any at all—and thus might propel Pence back to the vice presidency. “Right now, we’re poring over the data to ensure the vice president makes a good decision about whose coattails he should ride going forward. As in 2016, there won’t be any litmus test based on ideology or character, so long as Mr. Pence is able to hold a prestigious position while doing little more than remaining silent and nodding from time to time. He doesn’t even care if it’s a Republican or a Democrat. He might have some trouble if it were a woman, but at the end of the day, he’s a seasoned VP ready to be unswervingly loyal to anyone who can win the White House.” At press time, Conroy stated that within 24 hours of its formation, the exploratory committee had successfully identified over 320 million Americans with more charisma than Mike Pence.


theonion--2020-11-13--Global Measles Cases Reach 23-Year High

Global Measles Cases Reach 23-Year High

A report from the World Health Organization finds there were 869,770 measles cases worldwide last year and that declining vaccination @ @ @ @ @ could lead to a further increase in outbreaks .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ need to find a vaccine for measles , too ?
”

A report from the World Health Organization finds there were 869,770 measles cases worldwide last year and that declining vaccination rates along with the pandemic could lead to a further increase in outbreaks. What do you think?
“Good. We don ’t want Covid getting complacent.” Jasmin Walters, Trip Planner
“Everyone loves a comeback story.” Paul Rollo, Coin Dispenser
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theonion--2020-11-13--Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals

CHICAGO—As the city grappled with measures that would adequately address the infectious disease ’ s unchecked spread , rising coronavirus cases forced Chicago this week to set up temporary bars in hospitals .
“ With more Chicagoans testing positive and requiring medical care , we have no choice but to fight this thing by adding more bars and restaurants to the city ’ s medical facilities , including emergency tents for crowded eateries and transforming wards normally used for surgery patients into makeshift taverns , ” said Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot , adding that if the number of hospital admissions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be forced to put nurses who had tested positive for coronavirus but were asymptomatic back to work taking drink orders .
“ Of course , we ’ ll encourage all of our in-hospital cafes , dive bars , and barbecue joints to comply with local mask orders , including having patrons wear your mask when your server is delivering appetizers to your bedside or on any trips to the bathroom that pass by the intensive-care unit .
We will also close them at 11 p.m. every night to ensure we don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to .
During this troubling time , we ’ re doing everything we can , so we also ask everyone to remain calm .
This is an emergency situation , and we may run out of critical supplies like tequila and limes.
” Lightfoot added that if the coronavirus spread could not be contained , Chicago officials would be forced to turn some of the city ’ s parks and beaches into pop-up hospital bars .

CHICAGO—As the city grappled with measures that would adequately address the infectious disease’s unchecked spread, rising coronavirus cases forced Chicago this week to set up temporary bars in hospitals. “With more Chicagoans testing positive and requiring medical care, we have no choice but to fight this thing by adding more bars and restaurants to the city’s medical facilities, including emergency tents for crowded eateries and transforming wards normally used for surgery patients into makeshift taverns,” said Chicago mayor Lori Lightfoot, adding that if the number of hospital admissions continued to rise, the city would be forced to put nurses who had tested positive for coronavirus but were asymptomatic back to work taking drink orders. “Of course, we’ll encourage all of our in-hospital cafes, dive bars, and barbecue joints to comply with local mask orders, including having patrons wear your mask when your server is delivering appetizers to your bedside or on any trips to the bathroom that pass by the intensive-care unit. We will also close them at 11 p.m. every night to ensure we don’t spread coronavirus any more than we have to. During this troubling time, we’re doing everything we can, so we also ask everyone to remain calm. This is an emergency situation, and we may run out of critical supplies like tequila and limes.” Lightfoot added that if the coronavirus spread could not be contained, Chicago officials would be forced to turn some of the city’s parks and beaches into pop-up hospital bars.


theonion--2020-11-13--Fans Concerned After Oprah’s Favorite Things List Just 6-Pack Of Miller Lite

CHICAGO—Revealing their sincere worries about the iconic talk show host ’ s wellbeing and mental health , fans expressed concerns Friday after Oprah Winfrey ’ s annual Favorite Things list only featured a six-pack of Miller Lite .
“ Yeah , I know this year has been hard on everyone , but I guess I wasn ’ t expecting Oprah would just include a sixer of cheap beer or rave about how great it was to crack open a brew to start off your bullshit day , ” said Sarah Alexander of the short gift list slated to be published @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a full- page spread of Winfrey in a baggy Tennessee State sweatshirt , reclining on a sofa littered with empty cans .
“ It was also a little disturbing to hear her say that they were the perfect gift for a friend , family member , or coworker who wanted to unwind during their commute or just blow off all of life ’ s fucking hassles by pulling over into a parking lot and getting tanked .
I thought there ’ d be a lotion or a candle recommendation , but nope .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ makes a handy ashtray .
Jeez , y ’ know ?
Is everything okay ?
” Alexander also expressed consternation that the media mogul encouraged to pass on the giving spirit “ with love and delight ” by drunkenly taking a leak on their neighbor ’ s lawn .

CHICAGO—Revealing their sincere worries about the iconic talk show host’s wellbeing and mental health, fans expressed concerns Friday after Oprah Winfrey’s annual Favorite Things list only featured a six-pack of Miller Lite. “Yeah, I know this year has been hard on everyone, but I guess I wasn’t expecting Oprah would just include a sixer of cheap beer or rave about how great it was to crack open a brew to start off your bullshit day,” said Sarah Alexander of the short gift list slated to be published in O, The Oprah Magazine alongside a full- page spread of Winfrey in a baggy Tennessee State sweatshirt, reclining on a sofa littered with empty cans. “It was also a little disturbing to hear her say that they were the perfect gift for a friend, family member, or coworker who wanted to unwind during their commute or just blow off all of life’s fucking hassles by pulling over into a parking lot and getting tanked. I thought there’d be a lotion or a candle recommendation, but nope. Just her saying that the can also makes a handy ashtray. Jeez, y’know? Is everything okay?” Alexander also expressed consternation that the media mogul encouraged to pass on the giving spirit “with love and delight” by drunkenly taking a leak on their neighbor’s lawn.


theonion--2020-11-14--Parents Cheer As 8-Year-Old Son Chokes Out Opponent In UFC Jr. League Match

LAS VEGAS—Standing up and shouting at the referee as his opponent landed an illegal knee from half guard , Mitch @ @ @ @ @ their 8-year- old son , Tanner , Saturday as he secured a submission victory in @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It ’ s great for a kid ’ s confidence when they learn @ @ @ @ @ opponent , ” said Felden of his son , revealing that he had bet part @ @ @ @ @ college fund on the fight .
“ MMA has really taught him resilience—he didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ his face stitched up last time .
We enrolled him in combat sports at 6 @ @ @ @ @ pretty late start these days .
He ’ s taken to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu , @ @ @ @ @ switch to wrestling once they get to high school .
We ’ re happy either @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s pummeling people.
” At press time , UFC suspended Tanner for seven @ @ @ @ @ the o ctagon cage and attacked his opponent ’ s trainer .

LAS VEGAS—Standing up and shouting at the referee as his opponent landed an illegal knee from half guard, Mitch and Ashley Felden cheered on their 8-year- old son, Tanner, Saturday as he secured a submission victory in his UFC Jr. League match. “It’s great for a kid’s confidence when they learn how to roundhouse kick an opponent,” said Felden of his son, revealing that he had bet part of the child’s college fund on the fight. “MMA has really taught him resilience—he didn’t even cry while getting his face stitched up last time. We enrolled him in combat sports at 6, which is actually a pretty late start these days. He’s taken to Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, but a lot of kids switch to wrestling once they get to high school. We’re happy either way, as long as he’s pummeling people.” At press time, UFC suspended Tanner for seven months after he climbed over the o ctagon cage and attacked his opponent’s trainer.


theonion--2020-11-16--Boyfriend Announces Kneecap Apparently Worst Place To Get Shot

CLEVELAND—Claiming to have received the information from “ seriously legit ” sources , local boyfriend Eric Armour announced Monday that the kneecap was apparently the worst part of the human body in which to get shot .
“ Obviously , taking a bullet to the head or the chest is more lethal , but if you ’ re talking about the most painful place get shot , I ’ ve heard that ’ s the kneecap , ” Armour said out of absolutely nowhere , adding that it was his understanding the tremendous pain resulted fr om there being “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the knee .
“ It sounds crazy at first , but when you think about it , getting shot in the knee could cause the entire kneecap to explode into a bunch of bone fragments that go up into your tendons and everywhere .
Can you imagine what that would feel like ?
This guy I knew in college told me his cousin accidentally shot himself in the kneecap and it hurt like a motherfucker .
And I guess the worst part is there ’ s no surgery that can fix it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , sources confirmed Armour had followed up with a claim that his jaw had enough bite force to take off a human finger easy .

CLEVELAND—Claiming to have received the information from “seriously legit” sources, local boyfriend Eric Armour announced Monday that the kneecap was apparently the worst part of the human body in which to get shot. “Obviously, taking a bullet to the head or the chest is more lethal, but if you’re talking about the most painful place get shot, I’ve heard that’s the kneecap,” Armour said out of absolutely nowhere, adding that it was his understanding the tremendous pain resulted fr om there being “a bunch of nerves and shit” in the knee. “It sounds crazy at first, but when you think about it, getting shot in the knee could cause the entire kneecap to explode into a bunch of bone fragments that go up into your tendons and everywhere. Can you imagine what that would feel like? This guy I knew in college told me his cousin accidentally shot himself in the kneecap and it hurt like a motherfucker. And I guess the worst part is there’s no surgery that can fix it. That must really suck.” At press time, sources confirmed Armour had followed up with a claim that his jaw had enough bite force to take off a human finger easy.


theonion--2020-11-16--Man Who Laid It On Thick About Quitting Job Not Such Hot Shit During Pandemic

ALBUQUERQUE , NM—Noting the 37-year-old marketing professional was no longer so high and mighty , sources confirmed Monday that local @ @ @ @ @ laid it on really damn thick about quitting his job earlier this year , was @ @ @ @ @ the pandemic .
“ Months and months of talk about how this place is going @ @ @ @ @ hits and boom— it ’ s suddenly not the time for the next chapter after @ @ @ @ @ said coworker Vanessa Bannerman , who noted she hadn ’ t heard so much as @ @ @ @ @ about moving on to greener pastures since February .
“ I guess he changed his @ @ @ @ @ where he could grow and thrive .
Guess this organization isn ’ t so incompetent @ @ @ @ @ It looks like you ’ re back in the dregs with the rest of us @ @ @ @ @ convenient time to find out you ’ re no longer stagnating.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ department had been laid off .

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—Noting the 37-year-old marketing professional was no longer so high and mighty, sources confirmed Monday that local man Andrew Martin, who laid it on really damn thick about quitting his job earlier this year, was not such hot shit during the pandemic. “Months and months of talk about how this place is going nowhere, but then Covid hits and boom— it’s suddenly not the time for the next chapter after all, huh?” said coworker Vanessa Bannerman, who noted she hadn’t heard so much as a peep from the man about moving on to greener pastures since February. “I guess he changed his mind about finding somewhere better where he could grow and thrive. Guess this organization isn’t so incompetent anymore, is it? It looks like you’re back in the dregs with the rest of us, pal. What a convenient time to find out you’re no longer stagnating.” At press time, Martin’s entire department had been laid off.


theonion--2020-11-16--No Amount Of Training Could Have Prepared Cat For First Experience Seeing Mouse In Real Life

SARASOTA , FL—Expressing his shock at having been taken completely off guard , local cat Muffins acknowledged Monday that no amount of training could have prepared him for his first experience encountering a mouse in real life .
“ Man , I ’ ve spent hours and hours simulating a confrontation with a mouse , but when the real moment comes , all that practice goes right out the window , ” said the two-year-old American shorthair , confirming that his daily regimen of pouncing , scratching , and running in circles around his apartment had done virtually nothing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coming face-to-face with a genuine rodent .
“ I ’ ll admit I used to be pretty cocky .
I ’ ve destroyed so many balls with feathers on them that I can practically do it in my sleep .
One time I even fought a moth to a draw , so I always figured if I ever saw a mouse I ’ d make quick work of it , but it ’ s not like that in the real world .
Instinct takes over , and it doesn ’ t matter how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s the moment when you find out if you ’ ve got what it takes , and let me tell you what—real mice don ’ t have catnip inside them , buddy , you can bet on that.
” Muffins added that since he was now a killer , he didn ’ t know if he ’ d be able to return to living in a pretend fantasy world .

SARASOTA, FL—Expressing his shock at having been taken completely off guard, local cat Muffins acknowledged Monday that no amount of training could have prepared him for his first experience encountering a mouse in real life. “Man, I’ve spent hours and hours simulating a confrontation with a mouse, but when the real moment comes, all that practice goes right out the window,” said the two-year-old American shorthair, confirming that his daily regimen of pouncing, scratching, and running in circles around his apartment had done virtually nothing to help equip him for the sensation of coming face-to-face with a genuine rodent. “I’ll admit I used to be pretty cocky. I’ve destroyed so many balls with feathers on them that I can practically do it in my sleep. One time I even fought a moth to a draw, so I always figured if I ever saw a mouse I’d make quick work of it, but it’s not like that in the real world. Instinct takes over, and it doesn’t matter how sharp your claws are, that’s the moment when you find out if you’ve got what it takes, and let me tell you what—real mice don’t have catnip inside them, buddy, you can bet on that.” Muffins added that since he was now a killer, he didn’t know if he’d be able to return to living in a pretend fantasy world.


theonion--2020-11-16--Experts Confirm Virus Stockpile Large Enough To Prevent Any Covid Shortages This Winter

WASHINGTON—Rushing to assure the country ’ s populace ahead of the holiday season , experts confirmed Monday that the nation @ @ @ @ @ large enough to prevent any Covid-19 shortages this winter .
“ Let me be perfectly @ @ @ @ @ a nearly inexhaustible supply of the virus on hand that will easily last through March @ @ @ @ @ , ” said CDC d irector Robert Redfield , telling reporters that the pathogen would @ @ @ @ @ healthcare workers and vulnerable populations this winter but would ultimately be distributed to every American @ @ @ @ @ ve used the months since cases first began spiking in March to accumulate as much @ @ @ @ @ , so fortunately at this point there ’ s essentially zero risk that we ’ @ @ @ @ @ added that all Americans could do their part by continuing to go out and socialize @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Rushing to assure the country’s populace ahead of the holiday season, experts confirmed Monday that the nation’s virus stockpiles were large enough to prevent any Covid-19 shortages this winter. “Let me be perfectly clear: W e have a nearly inexhaustible supply of the virus on hand that will easily last through March, if not much longer,” said CDC d irector Robert Redfield, telling reporters that the pathogen would first be rolled out to healthcare workers and vulnerable populations this winter but would ultimately be distributed to every American citizen. “We’ve used the months since cases first began spiking in March to accumulate as much of the virus as possible, so fortunately at this point there’s essentially zero risk that we’ll run out.” Redfield added that all Americans could do their part by continuing to go out and socialize with complete impunity.


theonion--2020-11-16--Ah, Shoot: We Forgot To Drain Our Xbox Over The Weekend And Now All The Game Fluid Leaked Out

Well , dang it .
We ’ re feeling pretty annoyed right now because we just walked into the OGN offices after taking the weekend off and we were met with a nasty surprise : W e forgot to drain our new Xbox Series X over the weekend , and now all the game fluid leaked out .
Obviously , the manual says to drain your Series X every six to eight hours with the included syringe , but we just completely neglected to head into work a few times to open up the excess valve and make sure the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up the works .
It really spilled everywhere— the whole outside of the console is green with congealed gaming fluid , the fluid valve has shattered from excess pressure , and it looks like a fair amount of the stuff even dripped down the table and seeped into the carpet .
This is a major drag , and it ’ s made all the worse by the fact that we have no one to blame but ourselves .
We even remember thinking on Friday , “ Hmm , it ’ s been a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and we ’ ve been going pretty hard on Demon ’ s Souls lately , so we probably need to soon.
” On the other hand , it was the end of the day and we didn ’ t want to have to walk all the way to the bathroom to flush it down the toilet .
Oh well , we suppose hindsight is 20/20 .
Oh , crap .
Now that we ’ ve been standing in here for a little while , it ’ s really clear that the distinctive bitter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the fabric , too .
God , it ’ s really noxious .
Maybe it would help if we open a window or something .
We guess this is just one of those things that happens to you once and then you learn your lesson .
Suffice it to say , we won ’ t leave the office again without double-checking each and every one of our Xboxes to en sure the gaming fluid dial is at 50 % or lower .
Honestly , at this point , this whole thing has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re thinking about maybe even investing in one of those automatic fluid changers that they sell on Hammacher Schlemmer .
Okay , gamers , well we ’ re going to grab some Lysol and paper towels and try to dab out some of it out of the drapes , but honestly , we don ’ t know if it ’ s going to require a professional cleaning or what .
Yuck .
What a morning .

Well, dang it. We’re feeling pretty annoyed right now because we just walked into the OGN offices after taking the weekend off and we were met with a nasty surprise: W e forgot to drain our new Xbox Series X over the weekend, and now all the game fluid leaked out.
Ugh, this sucks.
Obviously, the manual says to drain your Series X every six to eight hours with the included syringe, but we just completely neglected to head into work a few times to open up the excess valve and make sure the video game runoff didn’t gunk up the works. It really spilled everywhere— the whole outside of the console is green with congealed gaming fluid, the fluid valve has shattered from excess pressure, and it looks like a fair amount of the stuff even dripped down the table and seeped into the carpet.
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This is a major drag, and it’s made all the worse by the fact that we have no one to blame but ourselves. We even remember thinking on Friday, “Hmm, it’s been a while since anyone drained the Xbox, and we’ve been going pretty hard on Demon’s Souls lately, so we probably need to soon.” On the other hand, it was the end of the day and we didn’t want to have to walk all the way to the bathroom to flush it down the toilet. Oh well, we suppose hindsight is 20/20.
Oh, crap. Now that we’ve been standing in here for a little while, it’s really clear that the distinctive bitter gaming fluid smell has seeped into most of the fabric, too. God, it’s really noxious. Maybe it would help if we open a window or something.
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We guess this is just one of those things that happens to you once and then you learn your lesson. Suffice it to say, we won’t leave the office again without double-checking each and every one of our Xboxes to en sure the gaming fluid dial is at 50% or lower. Honestly, at this point, this whole thing has been such a headache, so we’re thinking about maybe even investing in one of those automatic fluid changers that they sell on Hammacher Schlemmer.
Okay, gamers, well we’re going to grab some Lysol and paper towels and try to dab out some of it out of the drapes, but honestly, we don’t know if it’s going to require a professional cleaning or what. Yuck. What a morning.


theonion--2020-11-16--Aryan Brotherhood Reports Record Surge In Donations On Election Night

Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood ’ s message of racial purity @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear how the dramatic increase in grassroots fundraising could help spread the Aryan Brotherhood’s message of racial purity nationwide.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-16--Ring Recalls 350,000 Doorbells After Several Catch Fire

Amazon-subsidiary Ring is recalling 350,000 2nd-generation smart doorbells following reports that at least 23 have caught fire due to overheating @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Small price t o pay for the ability to watch a guy @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I wondered why firefighters keep hosing down my front porch.
” “ Wow @ @ @ @ @ sure can ’ t do that .
”

Amazon-subsidiary Ring is recalling 350,000 2nd-generation smart doorbells following reports that at least 23 have caught fire due to overheating batteries. What do you think?
“Small price t o pay for the ability to watch a guy scan a box and leave.” Chris Barnsley • Whiplash Expert
“I wondered why firefighters keep hosing down my front porch.” Tara Carvell • Meal Consultant
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theonion--2020-11-17--NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon

Hear why a natural , mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why a natural, mutual chemistry finally led the two intergalactic lovebirds to making it official.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-17--Your Horoscopes — Week Of November 17, 2020

Unfortunately for your personal philosophy , it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly @ @ @ @ @ up to women and start talking to them .

Aries | March 21 to April 19
Unfortunately for your personal philosophy, it turns out the free market has yet to come up with a truly effective way to just go up to women and start talking to them.


theonion--2020-11-17--U.S. Sees Record High Covid-19 Hospitalizations

According to the Covid Tracking Project , there were 69,455 people hospitalized with Covid-19 in the U.S. on Saturday , @ @ @ @ @ 59,940 set in April as coronavirus cases continue to skyrocket .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ the steps we never took are finally not paying off.
” “ Oh , so @ @ @ @ @ was this weekend.
” “ I ’ m gon na tell everyone about this at @ @ @ @ @ ”

According to the Covid Tracking Project, there were 69,455 people hospitalized with Covid-19 in the U.S. on Saturday, shattering the previous record of 59,940 set in April as coronavirus cases continue to skyrocket. What do you think?
“Looks like all the steps we never took are finally not paying off.” Nicole Bastian • Authority On Electricity
“Oh, so that’s where everyone was this weekend.” Stan Wallace • Fireworks Smuggler
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theonion--2020-11-17--Review: The PS5 Is A Game-Changing Next-Gen Console That Santa Just Can’t Afford Right Now, Okay, Sp

Review: The PS5 Is A Game-Changing Next-Gen Console That Santa Just Can’t Afford Right Now, Okay, Sport?

Anticipation has been off the charts for the latest iteration of the PlayStation , and now that the system has finally hit shelves , it ’ s clear that Sony has delivered in a major way .
Soaring ahead of its competition , the PS5 is a game-changing next- generation console that Santa just can ’ t afford right now , okay , S port ?
Sadly , things are a little tight money-wise in Santa ’ s Workshop at the moment , C hamp , if that makes sense .
Building on the success of the PS4 , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whole new level , utilizing an AMD-powered GPU that can process 10.28 teraflops for the most immersive user experience to date .
Santa would simply love to get one for you , Slugger , if the economy wasn ’ t so bad right now that it ’ s even affecting the North Pole .
Perhaps most impressive of all the PS5 ’ s features is its DualSense controller , whose minimalist aesthetic belies a sophisticated interface with greatly improved haptic feedback that allows you to feel as though you ’ re really there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you would feel that way if the bank could have just cut Santa some slack with interest payments on his magical sled .
Preloaded with the enjoyable , if not revolutionary , platformer Astro ’ s Playroom , which serves mostly as a demo reel of the console ’ s newest technologies , there are actually two editions of the system available : one including a 4K Blu-ray drive with a price tag of $ 499 , and the slimmer Digital Edition , which at $ 100 less is still too big @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the payments for someone to babysit all of his reindeer and little elves .
Of course , the PS5 is not completely perfect .
There are some noticeable flubs here and there , including an overreliance on outmoded options menus and a counterintuitive home button configuration , so no need to cry , Buddy , huh ?
It ’ s not because of anything you did .
You ’ ve been so good this year !
Santa still loves you very , very much , and I promise there ’ s so much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to get this year that you won ’ t even miss the PlayStation , honest !
Remember how much you like Air Bud ?
Well , let ’ s just say ol ’ Saint Nick got his hands on the DVDs for a few sequels this holiday season .
Thanks to its impressive engineering , backwards compatibility , and exciting pipeline of new titles showing off exactly what the next-gen is all about , we ’ re sure the PS5 is going to be around for quite a while .
So dry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about how much more you ’ ll appreciate the system when you get it for your birthday next year or maybe next Christmas depending on how a couple of Santa ’ s job interviews pan out .

Anticipation has been off the charts for the latest iteration of the PlayStation, and now that the system has finally hit shelves, it’s clear that Sony has delivered in a major way. Soaring ahead of its competition, the PS5 is a game-changing next- generation console that Santa just can’t afford right now, okay, S port?
Sadly, things are a little tight money-wise in Santa’s Workshop at the moment, C hamp, if that makes sense.
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Building on the success of the PS4, the gigantic new console pushes gaming to a whole new level, utilizing an AMD-powered GPU that can process 10.28 teraflops for the most immersive user experience to date. Santa would simply love to get one for you, Slugger, if the economy wasn’t so bad right now that it’s even affecting the North Pole.
Perhaps most impressive of all the PS5 ’ s features is its DualSense controller, whose minimalist aesthetic belies a sophisticated interface with greatly improved haptic feedback that allows you to feel as though you’re really there with every raindrop, or at least, you would feel that way if the bank could have just cut Santa some slack with interest payments on his magical sled.
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Preloaded with the enjoyable, if not revolutionary, platformer Astro’s Playroom, which serves mostly as a demo reel of the console’s newest technologies, there are actually two editions of the system available: one including a 4K Blu-ray drive with a price tag of $499, and the slimmer Digital Edition, which at $100 less is still too big an expense for Santa what with all the payments for someone to babysit all of his reindeer and little elves.
Of course, the PS5 is not completely perfect. There are some noticeable flubs here and there, including an overreliance on outmoded options menus and a counterintuitive home button configuration, so no need to cry, Buddy, huh? It’s not because of anything you did. You’ve been so good this year! Santa still loves you very, very much, and I promise there’s so much other fun other stuff you’re going to get this year that you won’t even miss the PlayStation, honest!
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Remember how much you like Air Bud? Well, let’s just say ol’ Saint Nick got his hands on the DVDs for a few sequels this holiday season.
Thanks to its impressive engineering, backwards compatibility, and exciting pipeline of new titles showing off exactly what the next-gen is all about, we’re sure the PS5 is going to be around for quite a while. So dry your eyes, Chief, and think about how much more you’ll appreciate the system when you get it for your birthday next year or maybe next Christmas depending on how a couple of Santa’s job interviews pan out.


theonion--2020-11-17--‘Giannis To Hawks!’ Says Atlanta Fan Citing Twitter Account That Mostly Retweets Porn

ALLENDALE HEIGHTS , GA—Retweeting the account with 47 followers as definitive proof his team had acquired the all-star power forward @ @ @ @ @ Greene posted “ Giannis to Hawks !
” Tuesday while citing a user that mostly @ @ @ @ @ ’ re gon na have Giannis down low , and we didn ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ Young !
” posted Greene , who excitedly added his commentary above a single tweet @ @ @ @ @ 15 posts had been direct replies to porn stars and whose photo is just a @ @ @ @ @ a string thong .
“ Sucks that we had to give up a pair of @ @ @ @ @ worth the risk .
This is huge .
It looks like we got Harden too @ @ @ @ @ Hawks are gon na be champions for sure.
” At press time , Greene had @ @ @ @ @ from the same account and signed up for 25 % off Sinful_Delicious6969 ’ s OnlyFans @

ALLENDALE HEIGHTS, GA—Retweeting the account with 47 followers as definitive proof his team had acquired the all-star power forward, local Atlanta fan Jalen Greene posted “Giannis to Hawks!” Tuesday while citing a user that mostly retweets porn. “We’re gonna have Giannis down low, and we didn’t even have to give up Trae Young!” posted Greene, who excitedly added his commentary above a single tweet from an account whose previous 15 posts had been direct replies to porn stars and whose photo is just a close-up of an ass in a string thong. “Sucks that we had to give up a pair of second rounders, but probably worth the risk. This is huge. It looks like we got Harden too! With this roster, Hawks are gonna be champions for sure.” At press time, Greene had taken advantage of another tweet from the same account and signed up for 25% off Sinful_Delicious6969’s OnlyFans.


theonion--2020-11-17--Harry Styles Becomes First Man To Appear Solo On ‘Vogue’ Cover

English musician Harry Styles has become the first male to star alone on the cover of Vogue in the magazine @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ I guess now that no one buys magazines @ @ @ @ @ whatever the hell they want.
” “ This is a big step towards holding men @ @ @ @ @ beauty .
”

English musician Harry Styles has become the first male to star alone on the cover of Vogue in the magazine’s December 2020 issue. What do you think?
“I guess now that no one buys magazines anymore, they can do whatever the hell they want.” Jess Lawlor • Dominos Champ
“This is a big step towards holding men to an unattainable standard of beauty.” Randy Harb • Esteemed Colleague
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theonion--2020-11-17--Hazardous Waste Facility Stuffs Batteries In Drawer Until They Figure Out What To Do With Them

WOODBRIDGE , CT—Deciding to put off making a final decision on how to safely dispose of the materials , a local hazardous waste facility reportedly stuffed all their batteries in the drawer Tuesday until they can figure out what to do with them .
“ Obviously we can ’ t just throw batteries in the trash with the other stuff , and we ’ re definitely going to dispose of them in the right way , but ultimately we ’ re going to deal with that later , ” said Woodbridge Transfer Station head Jeremy McWorth , adding that another @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are in electronic devices , which facility officials were putting in a separate drawer in case the disposal mode was different .
“ We ’ ve got a huge drawer full of tens of thousands of used AA and AAA batteries that people keep bringing to us , and they clearly need to go somewhere .
We tried to just take them over to the recycling center to let them help us dispose of them , but they said no , so back in the drawer they went .
In the meantime , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just in the drawer.
” Officials at the hazardous waste facility told re porters they were hoping to avoid a repeat of a previous incident when they got in a bunch of trouble for pouring all the polyurethane down the sink .

WOODBRIDGE, CT—Deciding to put off making a final decision on how to safely dispose of the materials, a local hazardous waste facility reportedly stuffed all their batteries in the drawer Tuesday until they can figure out what to do with them. “Obviously we can’t just throw batteries in the trash with the other stuff, and we’re definitely going to dispose of them in the right way, but ultimately we’re going to deal with that later,” said Woodbridge Transfer Station head Jeremy McWorth, adding that another complication was all those small batteries that are in electronic devices, which facility officials were putting in a separate drawer in case the disposal mode was different. “We’ve got a huge drawer full of tens of thousands of used AA and AAA batteries that people keep bringing to us, and they clearly need to go somewhere. We tried to just take them over to the recycling center to let them help us dispose of them, but they said no, so back in the drawer they went. In the meantime, it seems fine if they’re just in the drawer.” Officials at the hazardous waste facility told re porters they were hoping to avoid a repeat of a previous incident when they got in a bunch of trouble for pouring all the polyurethane down the sink.