theonion--2020-04-27--Chris Matthews Admits To Inappropriate Behavior During MSNBC Career

In his first public statement since abruptly retiring earlier this year , former Hardball host Chris Matthews admitted it was @ @ @ @ @ Laura Bassett ’ s appearance while backstage during a taping and that he found her @ @ @ @ @ highly justified.
” What do you think ?
“ Admittin g your mistakes is the @ @ @ @ @ “ Since we ’ re all being honest here , I admit that I ’ @ @ @ @ @ about Chris Matthews.
” “ This is going to ruin Hardball reruns for me .
@

In his first public statement since abruptly retiring earlier this year, former Hardball host Chris Matthews admitted it was inappropriate to comment on guest Laura Bassett’s appearance while backstage during a taping and that he found her complaint both credible and “highly justified.” What do you think?
“Admittin g your mistakes is the hardest ball there is.” Annie Nardini • Sword Swallower
“Since we’re all being honest here, I admit that I’ve said some unprofessional things about Chris Matthews.” Simon Coedel • Peace Talks Organizer
Advertisement


theonion--2020-04-27--A Well-Deserved Break: This ER Nurse Just Finished A 15-Hour Shift And Is About To Get Destroyed In

A Well-Deserved Break: This ER Nurse Just Finished A 15-Hour Shift And Is About To Get Destroyed In ‘Call Of Duty: Warzone’

Amidst the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic , hospitals continue to be overwhelmed and undersupplied , pushing our nation ’ s medical professionals to their breaking points .
Thankfully , for those who game , there are some beautiful ways to relax .
That ’ s the case for Seattle nurse and all-around gaming hero Evelyn Moralez , who finally got the opportunity to go home and blow off some steam after a 15-hour shift by getting absolutely wrecked in Call Of Duty : Warzone !
Now , that ’ s what we call a well-deserved break !
Working in an ICU @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of coronavirus patients , so after pulling an all-nighter running around the hospital and getting a few hours of shut-eye , Moralez has more than earned the chance to take a load off and get repeatedly sniped mere moments after spawning into Verdansk .
While no longer on the front lines of the battle against the deadly disease , Moralez is free to get completely slaughtered by a gang of 13-year-olds yelling at her to “ get fucked ” before teabagging her character ’ s corpse .
Obviously , the demand of intubating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ double shift and watching actual human beings pass away before her eyes is sure to take a physical and emotional toll on anyone .
But that ’ s why it ’ s so great that Warzone is here to ensure she can take her mind off all that stress by getting fragged by a cooked grenade before someone named N00B_Bl @ ster adds insult to injury by knifing her avatar ’ s lifeless body .
Sure , some might be a bit shaken by the experience of being mercilessly owned without being able @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off at an enemy before being obliterated by a precision airstrike , but it is more than a welcome respite for someone like Moralez , who mere hours ago had to inform a tearful family that their grandfather had died of acute respiratory failure .
Being totally annihilated by a group of pubescent tweens who started spamming UAVs late in a match .
After yet another harrowing shift where she was undersupplied and overwhelmed in the midst of our global catastrophe , it ’ s amazing to know that Activson was here to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strangers online .
Whether it ’ s being detonated by a proximity mine , ambushed by a camper , or killed so quickly and inexplicably that she has to re-examine the killcam to even try to understand what happened , Call of Duty : Warzone is here to give Moralez a nice little breather from all the madness !
Pretty nice , huh , gamers ?
Let ’ s give three cheers for Moralez and all the brave first responders out there who need the sort of pressure valve that only video games @ @ @

Amidst the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic, hospitals continue to be overwhelmed and undersupplied, pushing our nation’s medical professionals to their breaking points. Thankfully, for those who game, there are some beautiful ways to relax. That’s the case for Seattle nurse and all-around gaming hero Evelyn Moralez, who finally got the opportunity to go home and blow off some steam after a 15-hour shift by getting absolutely wrecked in Call Of Duty: Warzone!
Now, that’s what we call a well-deserved break!
Working in an ICU is strenuous enough without the constant influx of coronavirus patients, so after pulling an all-nighter running around the hospital and getting a few hours of shut-eye, Moralez has more than earned the chance to take a load off and get repeatedly sniped mere moments after spawning into Verdansk. While no longer on the front lines of the battle against the deadly disease, Moralez is free to get completely slaughtered by a gang of 13-year-olds yelling at her to “get fucked” before teabagging her character’s corpse.
Advertisement
Obviously, the demand of intubating more than a dozen patients throughout a double shift and watching actual human beings pass away before her eyes is sure to take a physical and emotional toll on anyone. But that’s why it’s so great that Warzone is here to ensure she can take her mind off all that stress by getting fragged by a cooked grenade before someone named N00B_Bl@ster adds insult to injury by knifing her avatar’s lifeless body.
Sure, some might be a bit shaken by the experience of being mercilessly owned without being able to get so much as a shot off at an enemy before being obliterated by a precision airstrike, but it is more than a welcome respite for someone like Moralez, who mere hours ago had to inform a tearful family that their grandfather had died of acute respiratory failure. Being totally annihilated by a group of pubescent tweens who started spamming UAVs late in a match.
Advertisement Advertisement
After yet another harrowing shift where she was undersupplied and overwhelmed in the midst of our global catastrophe, it’s amazing to know that Activson was here to help this hero be ruthlessly massacred by strangers online. Whether it’s being detonated by a proximity mine, ambushed by a camper, or killed so quickly and inexplicably that she has to re-examine the killcam to even try to understand what happened, Call of Duty: Warzone is here to give Moralez a nice little breather from all the madness!
Pretty nice, huh, gamers? Let’s give three cheers for Moralez and all the brave first responders out there who need the sort of pressure valve that only video games can provide!


theonion--2020-04-27--God Pins Up Hunky Shot Of Mesopotamian Hunting Deity As Inspiration To Start Working Out

THE HEAVENS—Noting the ancient divine being ’ s “ absolutely killer ” abs and pectorals served as the ideal body transformation for Him , The Lord God Almighty pinned up a hunky picture of Mesopotamian hunting deity Ninurta as an inspiration to start working out , heavenly sources confirmed Friday .
“ Every bicycle crunch I do , I ’ ll come up and see this shot of Ninurta looking completely ripped , and it just keeps my motor going , y ’ know ?
” said He Who Commanded Light To Shine Out Of Darkness , stressing that visualizing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mesopotamian ’ s omnipotence gave Him the self-confidence and dedication needed to really dig in , cut His carb intake , and focus on sculpting His core .
“ It ’ s not like I ’ m ever going to be built enough to be lugging stones around to create the Tigris and Euphrates .
But honestly , I ’ ve never fantasized about being that beefy .
Just kind of trim .
And whenever I ’ m wiped from doing farmer ’ s walk-squat combos around St. Peter ’ s Gate , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reps probably helped Ninurta chase down the Anzû bird after it stole the Tablet of Destinies .
Man , that guy was such a total beast.
” At press time , God admitted He was planning the training regime expressly to address the embarrassing weight gain He had experienced from the stress of having His first Son .

THE HEAVENS—Noting the ancient divine being’s “absolutely killer” abs and pectorals served as the ideal body transformation for Him, The Lord God Almighty pinned up a hunky picture of Mesopotamian hunting deity Ninurta as an inspiration to start working out, heavenly sources confirmed Friday. “Every bicycle crunch I do, I’ll come up and see this shot of Ninurta looking completely ripped, and it just keeps my motor going, y’know?” said He Who Commanded Light To Shine Out Of Darkness, stressing that visualizing Himself with even a fraction of the Mesopotamian’s omnipotence gave Him the self-confidence and dedication needed to really dig in, cut His carb intake, and focus on sculpting His core. “It’s not like I’m ever going to be built enough to be lugging stones around to create the Tigris and Euphrates. But honestly, I’ve never fantasized about being that beefy. Just kind of trim. And whenever I’m wiped from doing farmer’s walk-squat combos around St. Peter’s Gate, I just think about how much those reps probably helped Ninurta chase down the Anzû bird after it stole the Tablet of Destinies. Man, that guy was such a total beast.” At press time, God admitted He was planning the training regime expressly to address the embarrassing weight gain He had experienced from the stress of having His first Son.


theonion--2020-04-27--10 ‘Healthy’ Foods That Are Actually Bad For You

Words like “ vaulted ” and “ steel-reinforced concrete ” have long been mantras of health experts , but if @ @ @ @ @ your cholesterol , you ’ ll want to try your best to skimp on the @ @ @ @ @ .

Words like “vaulted” and “steel-reinforced concrete” have long been mantras of health experts, but if you really want to lower your cholesterol, you’ll want to try your best to skimp on the bank safes in the future.


theonion--2020-04-27--TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Throu

TheOnion.com Has Been Designated As A Pandemic Shelter In The Event That Covid-19 Could Spread Through The Internet

Hear how visiting the website of America ’ s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear how visiting the website of America’s Finest News Source could prevent you from contracting the coronavirus.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-27--Las Vegas Mayor Suggests Using City As Coronavirus Control Group

In an interview with Anderson Cooper , Las Vegas mayor Carolyn Goodman called for Nevada ’ s governor to lift @ @ @ @ @ businesses and allow casinos to reopen , at one point claiming the city could be @ @ @ @ @ to test if social distancing really works .
What do you think ?
“ Everyone @ @ @ @ @ for themselves whether seeing ‘ Mindfreak LIVE ’ is worth dying for.
” “ We @ @ @ @ @ Goodman for being brave enough to say what nobody ’ s thinking.
” “ Can @ @ @ @ @ that gets the medicine ?
”

In an interview with Anderson Cooper, Las Vegas mayor Carolyn Goodman called for Nevada’s governor to lift the order shutting down nonessential businesses and allow casinos to reopen, at one point claiming the city could be used as a control group to test if social distancing really works. What do you think?
“Everyone should be able to choose for themselves whether seeing ‘Mindfreak LIVE’ is worth dying for.” Owen Pienkos • Cattle Dermatologist
“We shouldn’t mock Mayor Goodman for being brave enough to say what nobody’s thinking.” Chloe Cheong • Surfboard Waxer
Advertisement


theonion--2020-04-27--The Best Anime Characters

The Best Anime Characters

In the history of anime , there have been countless incredible characters who will forever be etched into the memories @ @ @ @ @ we ’ ll be counting down the truly unforgettable ones .

In the history of anime, there have been countless incredible characters who will forever be etched into the memories of audiences. Today, we’ll be counting down the truly unforgettable ones.


theonion--2020-04-28--Undaunted Texas Waffle House Waitress Has Been Expecting To Die There Every Day For The Past 20 Year

Undaunted Texas Waffle House Waitress Has Been Expecting To Die There Every Day For The Past 20 Years Anyway

GLADEWATER , TX—Following the Texas governor ’ s announcement that the state ’ s economy will begin reopening later this week , local Waffle House waitress Barb Jefferson shrugged and told reporters Tuesday she had spent every shift for the past two decades expecting to die in the restaurant anyway .
“ I ’ ve worked nights here for years , and I ’ ve seen shit a lot worse than a deadly , incurable disease come through those doors , ” said the East Texas server , explaining that she had long ago made peace with the fact that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time she clocked in for a shift at the 24-hour diner franchise , which according to police records has been the site of four armed robberies so far this year .
“ I honestly have no idea how I ’ m still alive .
You seen some of the deadbeats we get in this place ?
Every time I refill someone ’ s coffee I ’ m afraid I ’ m interrupting a meth deal .
Back in February , we had EMTs wheeling a dead guy out of the men ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ matter of time before a fight breaks out , some shitheel some starts firing a gun , and my number ’ s up.
” At press time , Jefferson was seen wrestling a knife out of a fry cook ’ s hands after he threatened to stab her over a substitution request in a ham and cheese omelet .

GLADEWATER, TX—Following the Texas governor’s announcement that the state’s economy will begin reopening later this week, local Waffle House waitress Barb Jefferson shrugged and told reporters Tuesday she had spent every shift for the past two decades expecting to die in the restaurant anyway. “I’ve worked nights here for years, and I’ve seen shit a lot worse than a deadly, incurable disease come through those doors,” said the East Texas server, explaining that she had long ago made peace with the fact that she was likely to die the next time she clocked in for a shift at the 24-hour diner franchise, which according to police records has been the site of four armed robberies so far this year. “I honestly have no idea how I’m still alive. You seen some of the deadbeats we get in this place? Every time I refill someone’s coffee I’m afraid I’m interrupting a meth deal. Back in February, we had EMTs wheeling a dead guy out of the men’s room. It’s only a matter of time before a fight breaks out, some shitheel some starts firing a gun, and my number’s up.” At press time, Jefferson was seen wrestling a knife out of a fry cook’s hands after he threatened to stab her over a substitution request in a ham and cheese omelet.


theonion--2020-04-28--Airbnb Introduces New 24-Hour Vacancy Policy Between Guests

Due to concerns about coronavirus living on household surfaces , Airbnb announced they are requesting hosts wait a full 24 @ @ @ @ @ have rolled out new cleaning protocols intended to make customers feel safer .
What do @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll just wait here in the dr iveway until it ’ s ready.
” @ @ @ @ @ than 24 hours to kill what I leave behind.
” “ And let me guess @ @ @ @ @ clean in between each guest now , too ?
”

Due to concerns about coronavirus living on household surfaces, Airbnb announced they are requesting hosts wait a full 24 hours between each guest and have rolled out new cleaning protocols intended to make customers feel safer. What do you think?
“I’ll just wait here in the dr iveway until it’s ready.” Lula Souvanna • Pressure Cooker Chef
“It takes way more than 24 hours to kill what I leave behind.” Gordon Teale • Mall Guide
Advertisement


theonion--2020-04-28--The Land Of The Free: 10 Ways You KNOW You’re Living In The Greatest Country On Earth

You place your hand on your heart and sing with fervor whenever you hear the stirring opening line of the @ @ @ @ @ our flag we stand united / With one wish and one goal ”

You place your hand on your heart and sing with fervor whenever you hear the stirring opening line of the national anthem: “Around our flag we stand united / With one wish and one goal”


theonion--2020-04-28--Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet

Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away

More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations .
Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide @ @ @ @ @ 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how @ @ @ @ @ from their fellow shoppers .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

More American retailers are doing their part to help protect our most vulnerable populations. Hear how Walgreens stores nationwide will now be open from 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. exclusively for brain-dead morons who have no fucking clue how to maintain a safe distance from their fellow shoppers.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-28--Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 28, 2020

The men in lab coats will once more come for you one dark night this week , but it ’ @ @ @ @ @ one of their lab coats at your place last time .

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
The men in lab coats will once more come for you one dark night this week, but it’s just because they left one of their lab coats at your place last time.


theonion--2020-04-28--Teleconferencing Pastor Requests Any Worshipper Currently Speaking In Tongues Go On Mute

DEPEW , OK—In an effort to reduce disruptions during a prayer meeting held by teleconference Tuesday , Pastor Terry McEvers of the First Pentecostal Church of God reportedly asked that any congregants presently speaking in tongues place themselves on mute for the duration of the service .
“ Though it is only natural for the Holy Spirit to overwhelm us as we gather in praise , we have quite a lot of God ’ s children on the line this morning , so I need those of you crying out in the heavenly language to turn off your device ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gently reminding worshippers that while the Lord had blessed them with the latest technologies for allowing His flock to gather in His name , the platform had its limitations and simply could not handle the ecstatic , rapid-fire vocalizations of everyone on the call simultaneously .
“ If we all fall to the floor and unleash our miraculous gift of tongues at the same time , then everyone will just be shouting their divinely inspired strings of syllables over everyone else , and no one will understand what ’ s going on .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t do anybody any good.
” According to sources , the pastor went on to request that members enable video on their devices if they intended to take up serpents , because that ’ s something no one ever gets tired of watching .

DEPEW, OK—In an effort to reduce disruptions during a prayer meeting held by teleconference Tuesday, Pastor Terry McEvers of the First Pentecostal Church of God reportedly asked that any congregants presently speaking in tongues place themselves on mute for the duration of the service. “Though it is only natural for the Holy Spirit to overwhelm us as we gather in praise, we have quite a lot of God’s children on the line this morning, so I need those of you crying out in the heavenly language to turn off your device’s microphone,” said McEvers, gently reminding worshippers that while the Lord had blessed them with the latest technologies for allowing His flock to gather in His name, the platform had its limitations and simply could not handle the ecstatic, rapid-fire vocalizations of everyone on the call simultaneously. “If we all fall to the floor and unleash our miraculous gift of tongues at the same time, then everyone will just be shouting their divinely inspired strings of syllables over everyone else, and no one will understand what’s going on. A big garbled mess like that won’t do anybody any good.” According to sources, the pastor went on to request that members enable video on their devices if they intended to take up serpents, because that’s something no one ever gets tired of watching.


theonion--2020-04-28--Saudi Arabia Bans Public Floggings

Saudi Arabia Bans Public Floggings

Saudi officials announced that people convicted of low-level crimes may no longer be sentenced to floggings and may instead receive @ @ @ @ @ though judges can still order beheadings for murderers and drug dealers .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ you can ’ t get a good flogging anywhere these days.
” “ Looks like @ @ @ @ @ the modern prison system can be equally cruel and way more profitable .
”

Saudi officials announced that people convicted of low-level crimes may no longer be sentenced to floggings and may instead receive fines or jail time, though judges can still order beheadings for murderers and drug dealers. What do you think?
“Seems like you can’t get a good flogging anywhere these days.” Sam Mistry • Amateur Ranch Hand
“Looks like they finally figured out that the modern prison system can be equally cruel and way more profitable.” Kacy Noerr • Tree Nutritionist
Advertisement


theonion--2020-04-29--America Surpasses 1 Million Confirmed Coronavirus Cases

America now has more than one million documented coronavirus cases , though health experts agree the real number is probably @ @ @ @ @ million people have been tested for the disease .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ part to keep those numbers down by not getting tested.
” “ I ’ d @ @ @ @ @ but I ’ ve got a hair appointment to get to .
”

America now has more than one million documented coronavirus cases, though health experts agree the real number is probably substantially higher as only 5.6 million people have been tested for the disease. What do you think?
“A million’ s a great start, but let’s not get complacent.” Ingrid Knudsen, Fish Descaler
“I’m doing my part to keep those numbers down by not getting tested.” Eric Wilson, Folding Chair Expert
Advertisement


theonion--2020-04-29--Historical Timeline Of U.S. Employment

Historical Timeline Of U.S. Employment

With millions of people filing for unemployment amid the coronavirus pandemic , attention has turned to how employment now compares @ @ @ @ @ The Onion looks back at a historical timeline of U.S. employment .
1628 : “ @ @ @ @ @ ” becomes first lie on American resume .
1826 : Women storm into workforce by @ @ @ @ @ in industrial mills .
1875 : Telecommunications industry waits patiently for phone to be invented @ @ @ @ @ can get started .
1884 : New U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics begins collecting inaccurate @ @ @ @ @ 68-year-old who lost pension in 2008 crash can take your shopping cart with the others @ @ @ @ @ emerges as promising industry with decades of profit and sustainability ahead .

With millions of people filing for unemployment amid the coronavirus pandemic, attention has turned to how employment now compares to historical U.S. trends. The Onion looks back at a historical timeline of U.S. employment.
1628: “Five years experience as blacksmith” becomes first lie on American resume.
Advertisement
1826: Women storm into workforce by taking thousands of god-awful jobs in industrial mills.
1839: Farmer promotes self to Head Farmer.
1863: U.S. slavery officially ends Phase I of operations.
1875: Telecommunications industry waits patiently for phone to be invented the following year so it can get started.
Advertisement Advertisement
1884: New U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics begins collecting inaccurate employment data.
1938: Child labor laws greatly reduce American workforce productivity.
1967: Last good job taken.
2010: 68-year-old who lost pension in 2008 crash can take your shopping cart with the others.
Advertisement
2013: Digital media emerges as promising industry with decades of profit and sustainability ahead.


theonion--2020-04-29--Republicans Ridicule Democrats For Caring As Little About Sexual Assault As They Do

WASHINGTON—Responding to the fallout of accusations against Joe Biden in a series of social media posts and media appearances , Republican politicians and commentators ridiculed Democrats Wednesday for apparently caring as little about sexual assault as they do .
“ The silence of liberals on these allegations speaks volumes to how they apparently treat sexual assault as lightly and inconsequentially as we as a party always have—man oh man , it ’ s really astounding , ” said Rep. Matt Gaetz ( R-FL ) in a sarcasm-tinged screed that echoed thousands of others posts and messages delivered from conservative surrogates @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that both Republicans and Democrats dismiss the significance of testimony from women about misconduct , assault , and outright rape in order to achieve their political goals .
“ What ’ s interesting is that Democrats have always billed themselves as so high and mighty on this issue and yet they ’ ve just proven themselves to be as cynically power-hungry as us !
For example , they ’ re dismissing the allegations against Biden because they want to progress their agenda , just the way millions of religious conservatives have ceased to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ history of unsettling sexual behavior for the exact same reasons .
It ’ s so rich !
We ’ re all total sacks of shit !
” Conservative commentators also pointed out the rank hypocrisy of liberals crassly using past allegations to their political advantage the way Republicans themselves are currently doing .

WASHINGTON—Responding to the fallout of accusations against Joe Biden in a series of social media posts and media appearances, Republican politicians and commentators ridiculed Democrats Wednesday for apparently caring as little about sexual assault as they do. “The silence of liberals on these allegations speaks volumes to how they apparently treat sexual assault as lightly and inconsequentially as we as a party always have—man oh man, it’s really astounding,” said Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) in a sarcasm-tinged screed that echoed thousands of others posts and messages delivered from conservative surrogates and Congress members predicated on the fact that both Republicans and Democrats dismiss the significance of testimony from women about misconduct, assault, and outright rape in order to achieve their political goals. “What’s interesting is that Democrats have always billed themselves as so high and mighty on this issue and yet they’ve just proven themselves to be as cynically power-hungry as us! For example, they’re dismissing the allegations against Biden because they want to progress their agenda, just the way millions of religious conservatives have ceased to care about the current president’s history of unsettling sexual behavior for the exact same reasons. It’s so rich! We’re all total sacks of shit!” Conservative commentators also pointed out the rank hypocrisy of liberals crassly using past allegations to their political advantage the way Republicans themselves are currently doing.


theonion--2020-04-29--Longtime Person Dead At 86

Longtime Person Dead At 86

JACKSONVILLE , FL—Capping off a lengthy period of existence , longtime person Jane Brooks reportedly died Wednesday at the age @ @ @ @ @ individual , who spent her entire life as a human being , passed away due @ @ @ @ @ more than 80 years of being a person , ” said neighbor Susan Lansing , @ @ @ @ @ throughout the community for being a human who was alive from 1934 to 2020 .
@ @ @ @ @ I ’ ve known her , she was always a person .
She frequently did @ @ @ @ @ Of course , many people have been people , but she was this person .
@ @ @ @ @ say she was a first and foremost a person .
She left behind an indelible @ @ @ @ @ then not being alive anymore.
” At press time , the longtime person was survived @ @ @ @

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Capping off a lengthy period of existence, longtime person Jane Brooks reportedly died Wednesday at the age of 86. “The individual, who spent her entire life as a human being, passed away due to congestive heart failure after more than 80 years of being a person,” said neighbor Susan Lansing, explaining that Brooks was known throughout the community for being a human who was alive from 1934 to 2020. “For as long as I’ve known her, she was always a person. She frequently did things and said things. Of course, many people have been people, but she was this person. Everyone you talk to will say she was a first and foremost a person. She left behind an indelible legacy of being alive and then not being alive anymore.” At press time, the longtime person was survived by other people.


theonion--2020-04-29--Zoom Crasher Becomes Too Engrossed In Sales Meeting To Scream Obscenities

SEATTLE—Deciding against interrupting the actually quite gripping call on marketing and customer research , local Zoom crasher Mike Gromer reportedly became too engrossed in a sales meeting Wednesday to scream obscenities .
“ I planned on barging in and shouting a bunch of white supremacist stuff , but they were discussing strategies for increasing brand awareness among the coveted 18-34 demographic , and I stopped dead in my tracks , ” said a naked Gromer as he lowered his penis away from the camera , explaining that he totally forgot about his intentions to screen share incredibly disturbing hardcore pornography @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reveal their sales targets and tactics .
“ I just got so wrapped up in Lydia ’ s PowerPoint presentation outlining their Q4 projections that it didn ’ t even dawn on me that I hadn ’ t gotten around to calling all the women ‘ cunts ’ and the men ‘ dickless beta cucks.
’ Wow , I ’ m expecting big things from this team .
I should probably just turn off my camera so the giant swastika doesn ’ t distract from these B2B figures.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Southwest regional account manager for his invaluable contributions during the meeting .

SEATTLE—Deciding against interrupting the actually quite gripping call on marketing and customer research, local Zoom crasher Mike Gromer reportedly became too engrossed in a sales meeting Wednesday to scream obscenities. “I planned on barging in and shouting a bunch of white supremacist stuff, but they were discussing strategies for increasing brand awareness among the coveted 18-34 demographic, and I stopped dead in my tracks,” said a naked Gromer as he lowered his penis away from the camera, explaining that he totally forgot about his intentions to screen share incredibly disturbing hardcore pornography the second he heard the marketing team reveal their sales targets and tactics. “I just got so wrapped up in Lydia’s PowerPoint presentation outlining their Q4 projections that it didn’t even dawn on me that I hadn’t gotten around to calling all the women ‘cunts’ and the men ‘dickless beta cucks.’ Wow, I’m expecting big things from this team. I should probably just turn off my camera so the giant swastika doesn’t distract from these B2B figures.” At press time, a quietly masturbating Gromer had been promoted to Southwest regional account manager for his invaluable contributions during the meeting.


theonion--2020-04-29--What To Cook While Social Distancing

What To Cook While Social Distancing

Homemade Bison Burgers With Aioli : You dragged that bison all the way home yourself , and you can still @ @ @ @ @ family— “ Papa , where have you been ?
” “ What in God ’ @ @ @ @ @ you , you ’ re covered in blood !
” —and now they come to @ @ @ @ @ hungry , that you threw away all the food in the refrigerator and the deep @ @ @ @ @ the severed , uneven chunks of bison inside .
“ Well , honey , ” @ @ @ @ @ “ the answer to all of your questions is bison , and it always will @ @ @ @ @ are going to learn to like it .
”

Homemade Bison Burgers With Aioli: You dragged that bison all the way home yourself, and you can still hear the cries of your family—“Papa, where have you been?” “What in God’s name is wrong with you, you’re covered in blood!”—and now they come to you saying they’re hungry, that you threw away all the food in the refrigerator and the deep freeze just to fit all the severed, uneven chunks of bison inside. “Well, honey,” you’ll say, “the answer to all of your questions is bison, and it always will be bison, and you are going to learn to like it.”


theonion--2020-04-29--Other Butter Companies Scramble To Fill Racism Void Left By Land-O-Lakes

HACKENSACK , NJ—Quickly rebranding their packaging with images of the Trail of Tears and the Ku Klux Klan blood drop cross , a host of other butter companies were scrambling this week to fill the racism void left by Land-O-Lakes .
“ Real Americans understand that it ’ s important to celebrate our shared history , and we want bigots to know it ’ s okay for them to buy our butter and spreads , ” said Country Crock spokesperson Ben Flaherty , who joined brands like Organic Valley ’ s new “ Confederate Cream ” and Unilever ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to tap into a valuable market that includes tens of millions of American consumers .
“ People who see other races as genetically inferior are just as much a part of this nation as anyone else , and we want them to know Country Crock stands for the values of 1860 .
Butter has been there since the founding of this country , helping settlers slaughter natives , torment minorities , and fulfill the American dream , and we should never forget that history.
” At press time , sales for the competitors @ @ @ @ @ @ @

HACKENSACK, NJ—Quickly rebranding their packaging with images of the Trail of Tears and the Ku Klux Klan blood drop cross, a host of other butter companies were scrambling this week to fill the racism void left by Land-O-Lakes. “Real Americans understand that it’s important to celebrate our shared history, and we want bigots to know it’s okay for them to buy our butter and spreads,” said Country Crock spokesperson Ben Flaherty, who joined brands like Organic Valley’s new “Confederate Cream” and Unilever’s “Aryan Pure Unsalted” in attempting to tap into a valuable market that includes tens of millions of American consumers. “People who see other races as genetically inferior are just as much a part of this nation as anyone else, and we want them to know Country Crock stands for the values of 1860. Butter has been there since the founding of this country, helping settlers slaughter natives, torment minorities, and fulfill the American dream, and we should never forget that history.” At press time, sales for the competitors of Land-O-Lakes had surged 760%.


theonion--2020-04-29--Thousands Of Stockpiled Ventilators Sent To New York Hospitals Turn Out To Be Claw Machines

And really hard ones , too .
Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

And really hard ones, too. Hear how the latest blunder by the federal government is frustrating doctors and state officials.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-29--10 Clumps Of Grass In Video Games

10 Clumps Of Grass In Video Games

Would Final Fantasy VII be the same without this clump to show that you ’ re outdoors in a grassy @ @ @ @ @ answer that question for you : no .

6. Final Fantasy VII
Would Final Fantasy VII be the same without this clump to show that you’re outdoors in a grassy environment? We’ll answer that question for you: no.


theonion--2020-04-29--9 Photos Of Jennifer Lawrence That Will Make You Reassess The Scope Of The 1986 Vienna Convention On

9 Photos Of Jennifer Lawrence That Will Make You Reassess The Scope Of The 1986 Vienna Convention On The Law Of Treaties Between States And International Organizations

Hold on just a sec here .
She ’ s beautiful , witty , down-to-earth , AND she reminds you @ @ @ @ @ to resolve the question of the rights and/or obligations that might arise for states ’ @ @ @ @ @ from a treaty to which that organization is a party ?
Is this girl actually @ @

Hold on just a sec here. She’s beautiful, witty, down-to-earth, AND she reminds you that the Conference was unable to resolve the question of the rights and/or obligations that might arise for states’ members of an international organization from a treaty to which that organization is a party? Is this girl actually real?


theonion--2020-04-29--Vaccine Rates Plummet During Pandemic

Vaccine Rates Plummet During Pandemic

Health experts say doctors are administering less than half the normal amount of immunizations for illness like HPV , whooping @ @ @ @ @ , and rubella , as parents postpone wellness visits for their children during the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Oh , righ t , I forgot that there are other illnesses.
@ @ @ @ @ t that dangerous if you make sure your kid gets it while they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ ’ m sorry , but I only have the emotional bandwidth to fear one disease @ @ @ @ @

Health experts say doctors are administering less than half the normal amount of immunizations for illness like HPV, whooping cough, measles, mumps, and rubella, as parents postpone wellness visits for their children during the coronavirus pandemic. What do you think?
“Oh, righ t, I forgot that there are other illnesses.” Laurel Holcer • Geriatric Ophthalmologist
“HPV isn’t that dangerous if you make sure your kid gets it while they’re still young.” Jacob Leung • Book Censor
Advertisement


theonion--2020-04-30--This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask He

This Woman Was Isolated In Her Nursing Home, So Her Grandchildren Stood Outside With Signs To Ask Her For Money

When COVID-19 struck , 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma @ @ @ @ @ to do something special .
And now , she ’ s inspiring grandchildren all over @ @ @ @ @ same .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

When COVID-19 struck, 17 year-old Syndney Powell was worried she might never get to take cash from her grandma again, so she decided to do something special. And now, she’s inspiring grandchildren all over the country to do the same.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-30--Reports Of Kim Jong Un’s Health Creates Confusion Over Possible Successors

Kim Jong Un ’ s public absence over the last two weeks has fueled rumors he is gravely ill or @ @ @ @ @ about who will succeed the North Korean dictator who has systematically purged high-level government officials @ @ @ @ @ last several years .
What do you think ?
“ I ’ ve always said @ @ @ @ @ really benefit from a feminine touch.
” “ I mean , it ’ ll probably @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Kim Jong Un’s public absence over the last two weeks has fueled rumors he is gravely ill or possibly dead, raising questions about who will succeed the North Korean dictator who has systematically purged high-level government officials and family members over the last several years. What do you think?
“I’ve always sa id the North Korean dictatorship could really benefit from a feminine touch.” Todd Pesavento • Unemployed
“I mean, it’ll probably be whoever wins the election.” Geoff Balantine • Sweater Groomer
Advertisement


theonion--2020-04-30--Man In Quarantine Can’t Remember How Long It’s Been Since He Danced Through Town Square Followed By

Man In Quarantine Can’t Remember How Long It’s Been Since He Danced Through Town Square Followed By Big Chorus Of Friendly Locals

NEWCASTLE , WA—Expressing nostalgia for the routines of his life before stay-at-home orders began , local man Bryan Miller told reporters Thursday he had lost any sense of how much time had passed since he last danced through his community ’ s central square trailed by a rollicking chorus of friendly townspeople .
“ Was it really only a month or two ago that I promenaded through the town , stopping along the way to be twirled and dipped by a smiling , Lindy Hopping postman ?
” Miller said as he looked out his apartment window onto the empty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from one of his town ’ s all-time favorite showstoppers .
“ It feels like ages since I ’ ve stopped in to give Widow Jenkins a big hey-hello and how-do-you-do , let alone traded off a series of increasingly intricate tap-dancing moves with Mr. Beasley , the baker .
Think how hard this must be for the old folks , who haven ’ t even been able to toss their walkers aside and form a kick line while a nearby construction crew pounds out a jaunty beat with its hammers .
Let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ handing off their babies to strangers and back-handspringing their way across the street , this place is a ghost town.
” At press time , the mayor , Barrett J. Walmsley III , was heard eagerly ringing the bell in town square , shouting “ Hear ye , hear ye !
” and announcing the summer cotillion would have to be canceled , which further darkened Miller ’ s mood .

NEWCASTLE, WA—Expressing nostalgia for the routines of his life before stay-at-home orders began, local man Bryan Miller told reporters Thursday he had lost any sense of how much time had passed since he last danced through his community’s central square trailed by a rollicking chorus of friendly townspeople. “Was it really only a month or two ago that I promenaded through the town, stopping along the way to be twirled and dipped by a smiling, Lindy Hopping postman?” Miller said as he looked out his apartment window onto the empty streets below, quietly humming the chorus from one of his town’s all-time favorite showstoppers. “It feels like ages since I’ve stopped in to give Widow Jenkins a big hey-hello and how-do-you-do, let alone traded off a series of increasingly intricate tap-dancing moves with Mr. Beasley, the baker. Think how hard this must be for the old folks, who haven’t even been able to toss their walkers aside and form a kick line while a nearby construction crew pounds out a jaunty beat with its hammers. Let’s face it, without women handing off their babies to strangers and back-handspringing their way across the street, this place is a ghost town.” At press time, the mayor, Barrett J. Walmsley III, was heard eagerly ringing the bell in town square, shouting “Hear ye, hear ye!” and announcing the summer cotillion would have to be canceled, which further darkened Miller’s mood.


theonion--2020-04-30--Look, Brother, Sister Don’t Like That They’re Soulmates Either

SANTA CLARITA , CA—Saying they weren ’ t exactly thrilled that the universe paired them together with an unbreakable cosmic link , siblings Jessica and Grant Karlsson told reporters Thursday that , like everyone else , they didn ’ t like that they were soulmates either .
“ Look , if I could fall in love with anyone else on the planet , I would , but unfortunately , my biological sibling just happens to be the only one for me , ” said Grant , adding that while he never imagined growing up and sharing an undeniably profound physical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of two years , there ’ s nothing they could do about it now .
“ Would I rather settle down with a nice girl who I like , have a normal marriage , and raise normal kids ?
Of course .
But unfortunately , the only time I really feel complete as a human being is when I look deep into my sister ’ s perfect eyes .
So , that ’ s where we ’ re at.
” At press time , Grant told reporters he was at least grateful the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fall in love and be paired off for all eternity with his own mother .

SANTA CLARITA, CA—Saying they weren’t exactly thrilled that the universe paired them together with an unbreakable cosmic link, siblings Jessica and Grant Karlsson told reporters Thursday that, like everyone else, they didn’t like that they were soulmates either. “Look, if I could fall in love with anyone else on the planet, I would, but unfortunately, my biological sibling just happens to be the only one for me,” said Grant, adding that while he never imagined growing up and sharing an undeniably profound physical and emotional connection with his older sister of two years, there’s nothing they could do about it now. “Would I rather settle down with a nice girl who I like, have a normal marriage, and raise normal kids? Of course. But unfortunately, the only time I really feel complete as a human being is when I look deep into my sister’s perfect eyes. So, that’s where we’re at.” At press time, Grant told reporters he was at least grateful the universe hadn’t forced him to fall in love and be paired off for all eternity with his own mother.


theonion--2020-04-30--Exhausted Parents Struggling To Limit Child’s Time Using Gun

DENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old , exhausted parents Josh and Natasha Kachel admitted Thursday that they were struggling to limit their son ’ s time using the family gun .
“ We used to only let him use it for about an hour every day , but with the quarantine , it ’ s just been really hard to find things for Jackson to do , ” said mother Natasha , explaining how letting their son use the revolver in the other room made it easier for the parents to focus on working from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s not good for his mental and physical health to be constantly using the gun .
For example , he used to be a great sleeper , but now he ’ s waking up at 5 a.m. screaming ‘ Gun , gun , gun !
’ until we get it for him .
There used to be a safety lock and everything , but he figured out how to get past that pretty quickly , so now we let him do what he wants with it just to give ourselves a break .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to use a gun to get ahead in life anyway , so at this point , we just hope he shoots something educational.
” At press time , the parents expressed pride that Jackson is still not allowed to use the gun at the dinner table .

DENVER—Following weeks of being continually sheltered in place with the 4-year-old, exhausted parents Josh and Natasha Kachel admitted Thursday that they were struggling to limit their son’s time using the family gun. “We used to only let him use it for about an hour every day, but with the quarantine, it’s just been really hard to find things for Jackson to do,” said mother Natasha, explaining how letting their son use the revolver in the other room made it easier for the parents to focus on working from home. “We realize it’s not good for his mental and physical health to be constantly using the gun. For example, he used to be a great sleeper, but now he’s waking up at 5 a.m. screaming ‘Gun, gun, gun!’ until we get it for him. There used to be a safety lock and everything, but he figured out how to get past that pretty quickly, so now we let him do what he wants with it just to give ourselves a break. I guess you need to know how to use a gun to get ahead in life anyway, so at this point, we just hope he shoots something educational.” At press time, the parents expressed pride that Jackson is still not allowed to use the gun at the dinner table.


theonion--2020-04-30--Charles Barkley: ‘Michael Jordan Would Have Been Nothing Special Had He Played In My Day’

ATLANTA—Mocking the media ’ s glorification of a player who faced a supposedly soft , talent-deluded league , former NBA star Charles Barkley claimed Thursday that Michael Jordan would have been nothing special if he had played in Barkley ’ s era .
“ Look , I know Jordan was good , but guys in my day were just much tougher .
He never could have gone toe to toe with players like Grant Hill and Karl Malone , ” said Barkley , who predicted that Jordan wouldn ’ t have even sniffed the finals , let alone won six @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with the physical play and brutal rivalries of the late ’ 80s and ’ 90s NBA .
“ I played against Dominique Wilkins , and he would have run Jordan off the court .
Jordan ’ s a good scorer , no doubt , but when you are going up against guys like Olajuwon and Pippen ?
It ’ s just different .
People like Jordan , acting like they are the greatest ever ?
They have no sense of history.
” Barkley added that today ’ s social media-obsessed stars would have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ serious players like Dennis Rodman and Shaquille O ’ Neal .

ATLANTA—Mocking the media’s glorification of a player who faced a supposedly soft, talent-deluded league, former NBA star Charles Barkley claimed Thursday that Michael Jordan would have been nothing special if he had played in Barkley’s era. “Look, I know Jordan was good, but guys in my day were just much tougher. He never could have gone toe to toe with players like Grant Hill and Karl Malone,” said Barkley, who predicted that Jordan wouldn’t have even sniffed the finals, let alone won six titles, if he had to contend with the physical play and brutal rivalries of the late ’80s and ’90s NBA. “I played against Dominique Wilkins, and he would have run Jordan off the court. Jordan’s a good scorer, no doubt, but when you are going up against guys like Olajuwon and Pippen? It’s just different. People like Jordan, acting like they are the greatest ever? They have no sense of history.” Barkley added that today’s social media-obsessed stars would have never cut it in a league with serious players like Dennis Rodman and Shaquille O’Neal.


theonion--2020-04-30--Bourgeois Pig Owns Ostentatious Glass Crafted Specifically To Hold Wine

MILWAUKEE—After he flaunted the opulent receptacle on his front porch and sipped from it in a display of lavish decadence , witnesses confirmed Thursday that local bourgeois pig Kyle Evans , Mr. Moneybags himself , owned a fancy glass designed specifically for drinking wine .
“ He must think he ’ s a Rockefeller , buying a special glass with a stem on it because he ’ s too good to drink wine from any old cup like us regular folks , ” neighbor Daniel Clements said of the shameless social climber , adding that Evans was so eager to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he also insisted his white wines and rosés be chilled before he drank them , lest their too-warm temperature offend his sensitive palate .
“ Oink , oink , piggy .
I bet he ’ s got plates of varying sizes too , so he can use the smaller ones for salads and the larger ones for his dinner .
Well , enjoy it while you can , Lord Kyle .
It ’ s only a matter of time before you ’ re bayoneted in your bed.
” At press time , Evans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the serf delivering his takeout , like some modern-day Mansa Musa .

MILWAUKEE—After he flaunted the opulent receptacle on his front porch and sipped from it in a display of lavish decadence, witnesses confirmed Thursday that local bourgeois pig Kyle Evans, Mr. Moneybags himself, owned a fancy glass designed specifically for drinking wine. “He must think he’s a Rockefeller, buying a special glass with a stem on it because he’s too good to drink wine from any old cup like us regular folks,” neighbor Daniel Clements said of the shameless social climber, adding that Evans was so eager to fit in with his blue-blooded overlords that he also insisted his white wines and rosés be chilled before he drank them, lest their too-warm temperature offend his sensitive palate. “Oink, oink, piggy. I bet he’s got plates of varying sizes too, so he can use the smaller ones for salads and the larger ones for his dinner. Well, enjoy it while you can, Lord Kyle. It’s only a matter of time before you’re bayoneted in your bed.” At press time, Evans was spotted handing a $5 tip to the serf delivering his takeout, like some modern-day Mansa Musa.


theonion--2020-04-30--Children’s Science Website Clearly Struggling To Come Up With 10 Facts About Slugs

DULUTH , MN—Noting the palpable effort being exerted by the online resource , sources confirmed Thursday that children ’ s educational website Science4Kidz.com was clearly struggling to come up with 10 facts pertaining to slugs .
“ They started out pretty strong with , ‘ Slugs have thousands of tiny teeth , ’ but there was a huge drop when fact number two was , ‘ Most slugs are brown or gray , ’ and I knew we were in trouble , ” said visitor Alice Barbin , adding that the site had competently provided factoids about cheetahs and bald @ @ @ @ @ @ @ such as , “ Slugs can be found in gardens , ” and , “ The word for slug in Spanish is ‘ babosa.
’ ” “ By the time you get halfway through the list , they ’ re really phoning it in with stuff like , ‘ Slugs like moisture , ’ and ‘ Slugs need water to survive , ’ which are basically the same fact and apply to 99 % of all living creatures .
And fact eight is , ‘ There ’ s still a lot we don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which is just objectively untrue .
Honestly , they probably should have just stopped at five or six slug facts .
It ’ s not like anyone was going to call them out on it.
” At press time , Barbin had left the website in disgust after the final fact was revealed to be , “ What ’ s your favorite thing about slugs ?
”

DULUTH, MN—Noting the palpable effort being exerted by the online resource, sources confirmed Thursday that children’s educational website Science4Kidz.com was clearly struggling to come up with 10 facts pertaining to slugs. “They started out pretty strong with, ‘Slugs have thousands of tiny teeth,’ but there was a huge drop when fact number two was, ‘Most slugs are brown or gray,’ and I knew we were in trouble,” said visitor Alice Barbin, adding that the site had competently provided factoids about cheetahs and bald eagles, but floundered with subsequent facts such as, “Slugs can be found in gardens,” and, “The word for slug in Spanish is ‘babosa.’” “By the time you get halfway through the list, they’re really phoning it in with stuff like, ‘Slugs like moisture,’ and ‘Slugs need water to survive,’ which are basically the same fact and apply to 99% of all living creatures. And fact eight is, ‘There’s still a lot we don’t know about slugs,’ which is just objectively untrue. Honestly, they probably should have just stopped at five or six slug facts. It’s not like anyone was going to call them out on it.” At press time, Barbin had left the website in disgust after the final fact was revealed to be, “What’s your favorite thing about slugs?”


theonion--2020-04-30--Biden Campaign Fundraising Email Reminds Donors Sexual Assault Allegations Don’t Bury Themselves

WASHINGTON—Urging supporters to help out and chip in as much as they can , the Joe Biden presidential campaign sent a fundraising email Thursday reminding donors that sexual assault allegations don ’ t bury themselves .
“ Now , more than ever , the Biden campaign needs your support in sweeping this under the rug , ” read the email in part , calling on each and every Biden supporter to do their part in defeating Donald Trump by looking the other way .
“ We ’ ll be honest—this isn ’ t going to be cheap .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought it would .
We know it seems like we can coast off the media suppressing the story , but there ’ s a lot of important work to be done behind the scenes to ensure these accusations never see the light of day .
These sexual assault allegations have already broken through to The Washington Post , and if we don ’ t meet our fundraising goal by midnight tonight , it could be front page news tomorrow .
” The email added that if supporters donated $ 25 or more , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sending them a free “ Allegations ?
What Allegations ?
” bumper sticker .

WASHINGTON—Urging supporters to help out and chip in as much as they can, the Joe Biden presidential campaign sent a fundraising email Thursday reminding donors that sexual assault allegations don’t bury themselves. “Now, more than ever, the Biden campaign needs your support in sweeping this under the rug,” read the email in part, calling on each and every Biden supporter to do their part in defeating Donald Trump by looking the other way. “We’ll be honest—this isn’t going to be cheap. It’s not just going away like we thought it would. We know it seems like we can coast off the media suppressing the story, but there’s a lot of important work to be done behind the scenes to ensure these accusations never see the light of day. These sexual assault allegations have already broken through to The Washington Post, and if we don’t meet our fundraising goal by midnight tonight, it could be front page news tomorrow. ” The email added that if supporters donated $25 or more, the campaign would express their thanks by sending them a free “Allegations? What Allegations?” bumper sticker.


theonion--2020-04-30--Mike Pence Tours Mayo Clinic Without Mask

Despite the hospital ’ s mandatory mask policy , Vice President Mike Pence declined to cover his face while visiting @ @ @ @ @ patients this week , saying he is tested regularly and does not have coronavirus .
@ @ @ @ @ “ Wearing a mask is just a recommendation for people who care about anyone else.
@ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t want pictures out there of him looking like a responsible leader .
@

Despite the hospital’s mandatory mask policy, Vice President Mike Pence declined to cover his face while visiting with Mayo Clinic staff and patients this week, saying he is tested regularly and does not have coronavirus. What do you think?
“Wearing a mask is just a recommendation for people who care about anyone else.” Penny Lehmann • Worm Farmer
“He probably just didn’t want pictures out there of him looking like a responsible leader.” Bryce De Vito • Syrup Manufacturer
Advertisement


theonion--2020-04-30--Disappointing: Experts Are Now Telling Us That All The Big Kisses We Did To The TV Screen While Prin

Disappointing: Experts Are Now Telling Us That All The Big Kisses We Did To The TV Screen While Princess Zelda Was On Never Got Through To Her

For many Nintendo fans , The Legend Of Zelda series represents the pinnacle of gaming .
Whether it ’ s the sheer whimsy of The Wind Waker or the groundbreaking adventure of Ocarina Of Time , Shigeru Miyamoto ’ s iconic franchise inspires a sense of wonder and exploration few titles can match .
That ’ s why a recent discussion with experts is going to be a disappointment to gamers everywhere : They ’ re now telling us that all the big kisses we did to the TV while Princess Zelda was onscreen never got through to her .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ The big , wet kisses we did to the television ?
The ones we did specifically to Princess Zelda so she knew how much she meant to us ?
All this time , she apparently had no idea they ever happened .
What a letdown , huh ?
Even worse , according to the NYU , Northwestern University , and University of Berkeley game design experts who spoke with us , this sad state of affairs holds true regardless of how rapid , loud , or wet our kisses on the television screen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if the little kisses we blew got to her , but they insisted that that was not how games worked .
While some in the gaming community might hold out hope that at least the extra special smooches they gave more recently during Breath Of The Wild playthroughs might have made it through—especially since they wore chapstick and left the kisses on the screen for the whole day and hugged the TV screen , too—the experts were quick to assure us that Princess Zelda had no idea that any of this was happening @ @ @ @ @ @ @ brings up the unsettling question of whether the experts are simply trying to keep all the big kisses for themselves .
Certainly , we make the suggestion without significant evidence .
But it is a serious line of inquiry worth exploring , as corroborated by the fact that when we repeatedly followed up to ask about how to actually get our kisses through to Princess Zelda , the experts sent us a pamphlet about getting psychiatric help , and urged us to seek out the assistance of a mental health professional .
Well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it !
This is a huge blow to our community , but we ’ ll make it through things the way we always have : together .

For many Nintendo fans, The Legend Of Zelda series represents the pinnacle of gaming. Whether it’s the sheer whimsy of The Wind Waker or the groundbreaking adventure of Ocarina Of Time, Shigeru Miyamoto’s iconic franchise inspires a sense of wonder and exploration few titles can match. That’s why a recent discussion with experts is going to be a disappointment to gamers everywhere: They’re now telling us that all the big kisses we did to the TV while Princess Zelda was onscreen never got through to her.
That’s right, readers. The big, wet kisses we did to the television? The ones we did specifically to Princess Zelda so she knew how much she meant to us? All this time, she apparently had no idea they ever happened. What a letdown, huh?
Advertisement
Even worse, according to the NYU, Northwestern University, and University of Berkeley game design experts who spoke with us, this sad state of affairs holds true regardless of how rapid, loud, or wet our kisses on the television screen happened to be. We even asked if the little kisses we blew got to her, but they insisted that that was not how games worked.
While some in the gaming community might hold out hope that at least the extra special smooches they gave more recently during Breath Of The Wild playthroughs might have made it through—especially since they wore chapstick and left the kisses on the screen for the whole day and hugged the TV screen, too—the experts were quick to assure us that Princess Zelda had no idea that any of this was happening, and she never would.
Advertisement Advertisement
This brings up the unsettling question of whether the experts are simply trying to keep all the big kisses for themselves. Certainly, we make the suggestion without significant evidence. But it is a serious line of inquiry worth exploring, as corroborated by the fact that when we repeatedly followed up to ask about how to actually get our kisses through to Princess Zelda, the experts sent us a pamphlet about getting psychiatric help, and urged us to seek out the assistance of a mental health professional.
Well, gaming fans, there you have it! This is a huge blow to our community, but we’ll make it through things the way we always have: together.


theonion--2020-04-30--10 Sexiest Photos Of Kates, Uptons

10 Sexiest Photos Of Kates, Uptons

Katie Turner : Not quite a Kate , but no way in hell we ’ d kick this Katie out @ @ @ @ @ ?

Katie Turner: Not quite a Kate, but no way in hell we’d kick this Katie out of bed! Would you?


theonion--2020-05-01--Justin Amash Announces 3rd Party Run For President

Michigan Congressman Justin Amash , originally a member of the Republican Party before changing his affiliation to independent last year @ @ @ @ @ running for president as a Libertarian .
What do you think ?
“ As if @ @ @ @ @ ggling with too many great options already.
” “ I think he lacks the necessary @ @ @ @ @ for president .
”

Michigan Congressman Justin Amash, originally a member of the Republican Party before changing his affiliation to independent last year, announced that he is running for president as a Libertarian. What do you think?
“As if I wasn’t stru ggling with too many great options already.” June Pelizzari, Melon Baller
“I think he lacks the necessary sexual assault allegations to run for president.” Dion Semler, Mayoral Masseuse
Advertisement


theonion--2020-05-01--NCAA Wonders Why Financially Struggling Student Athletes Didn’t Just Exploit Labor Of Others

NEW YORK—Expressing confusion over players ’ work ethic , NCAA president Mark Emmert wondered Friday why financially struggling student athletes didn ’ t just exploit the labor of others .
“ We understand students may often feel financial pressure , but they did not need to ask us for money when they could simply go out and profit off other kids in desperate situations , ” said Emmert , recommending that athletes could simply build an arena with nothing but an endowment or their inheritance money and then rake in cash from events and concessions that they do not even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m not quite sure why these young men and women don ’ t take some initiative , find some struggling people , and skim profits off their work .
There are millions of people in this country you could do this to , from rideshare drivers to food service workers , and you could make millions while still having plenty of time to study and go to practice .
It ’ s literally the easiest thing in the world to do.
” At press time , Emmert announced the NCAA @ @ @ @ @ @ @ profits student athletes generated from independent business ventures .

NEW YORK—Expressing confusion over players’ work ethic, NCAA president Mark Emmert wondered Friday why financially struggling student athletes didn’t just exploit the labor of others. “We understand students may often feel financial pressure, but they did not need to ask us for money when they could simply go out and profit off other kids in desperate situations,” said Emmert, recommending that athletes could simply build an arena with nothing but an endowment or their inheritance money and then rake in cash from events and concessions that they do not even have to take part in organizing. “I’m not quite sure why these young men and women don’t take some initiative, find some struggling people, and skim profits off their work. There are millions of people in this country you could do this to, from rideshare drivers to food service workers, and you could make millions while still having plenty of time to study and go to practice. It’s literally the easiest thing in the world to do.” At press time, Emmert announced the NCAA would be garnishing 90% of any profits student athletes generated from independent business ventures.


theonion--2020-05-01--Man Not Sure He Can Take Another 6 Weeks Of Barely Following CDC Guidelines

ST. LOUIS—Following more than a month of halfhearted adherence to guidelines put in place to combat Covid-19 , local man Luke Bradley confirmed Friday that he was unsure if he could take another six weeks of barely adopting practices recommended by the Centers for Disease Control .
“ I honestly don ’ t know how much longer I can keep running cold water over my hands for a few seconds every time I ’ ve been in a public space , ” said Bradley , who explained that the changes he had made to his personal routines , such as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for snacks and beverages to twice a day , had begun to take a heavy toll on his mental health .
“ I ’ m about to hit my breaking point , especially with social distancing .
It ’ s so depressing when you can only hang out with a few different groups of friends on a Friday night instead of going to a club or a big house party .
Oh , and God help you if you post pictures of yourself on social media with your arms around a bunch of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get attacked for being ‘ part of the problem.
’ Seriously , how long can a person stay home from work every time he experiences a fever and prolonged coughing fits before he completely loses it ?
” Bradley went on to bemoan the fact that he wasn ’ t even allowed to see his grandmother , adding that if the 87-year-old woman could survive diabetes , lupus , and the loss of half a lung to cancer , she ought to be able to survive a visit from a loved one .

ST. LOUIS—Following more than a month of halfhearted adherence to guidelines put in place to combat Covid-19, local man Luke Bradley confirmed Friday that he was unsure if he could take another six weeks of barely adopting practices recommended by the Centers for Disease Control. “I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep running cold water over my hands for a few seconds every time I’ve been in a public space,” said Bradley, who explained that the changes he had made to his personal routines, such as reducing his trips to the corner store for snacks and beverages to twice a day, had begun to take a heavy toll on his mental health. “I’m about to hit my breaking point, especially with social distancing. It’s so depressing when you can only hang out with a few different groups of friends on a Friday night instead of going to a club or a big house party. Oh, and God help you if you post pictures of yourself on social media with your arms around a bunch of your pals, because you’ll get attacked for being ‘part of the problem.’ Seriously, how long can a person stay home from work every time he experiences a fever and prolonged coughing fits before he completely loses it?” Bradley went on to bemoan the fact that he wasn’t even allowed to see his grandmother, adding that if the 87-year-old woman could survive diabetes, lupus, and the loss of half a lung to cancer, she ought to be able to survive a visit from a loved one.


theonion--2020-05-01--Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘My Advisors Told Me To Say They Aren’t True’

WASHINGTON—Addressing allegations by Tara Reade that the Democratic presidential candidate sexually assaulted her during her time as a Senate aide @ @ @ @ @ weeks of silence Friday by telling reporters , “ My advisors told me to say @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I want to be clear—my campaign staff explicitly told me to claim this @ @ @ @ @ Biden , who appeared on MSNBC to share what he had rehearsed with his team @ @ @ @ @ and PR professionals .
“ After consulting with the best legal team money can buy @ @ @ @ @ to state this unequivocally did not happen .
I want the American people to know @ @ @ @ @ I should forcefully deny this and move on .
I hope I can dispel any @ @ @ @ @ that I would go against my advisors ’ wishes and confirm this happened.
” At @ @ @ @ @ called upon the National Archives to release any documents they had that might support Reade @ @ @ @ @ advisors had confirmed they didn ’ t exist .

WASHINGTON—Addressing allegations by Tara Reade that the Democratic presidential candidate sexually assaulted her during her time as a Senate aide, Joe Biden responded after weeks of silence Friday by telling reporters, “My advisors told me to say they aren’t true.” “I want to be clear—my campaign staff explicitly told me to claim this never happened,” said Biden, who appeared on MSNBC to share what he had rehearsed with his team of highly paid campaign strategists and PR professionals. “After consulting with the best legal team money can buy, I’ve decided to state this unequivocally did not happen. I want the American people to know that internal polling has shown I should forcefully deny this and move on. I hope I can dispel any doubts you still might hold that I would go against my advisors’ wishes and confirm this happened.” At press time, Biden had called upon the National Archives to release any documents they had that might support Reade’s allegations after his advisors had confirmed they didn’t exist.


theonion--2020-05-01--Even Better Than Travis Scott: The Nephew Of An Epic Games Executive Will Be Playing Some Songs On T

Even Better Than Travis Scott: The Nephew Of An Epic Games Executive Will Be Playing Some Songs On The Oboe For Everyone In ‘Fortnite’

Exciting news , battle royale fans !
As any diehard gamer already knows , Fortnite hosted a virtual Travis Scott concert last week that attracted 12.3 million simultaneous players for a mind-melting psychedelic spectacle .
Well , as a follow-up to that event ’ s unprecedented success , Epic Games just announced that 13-year-old Greg Pochowski , the nephew of an Epic Games executive , will be playing a small recital on the oboe for everyone to enjoy starting this Friday at 6 p.m. Eastern !
Way to keep delivering the awesome live events , Epic Games !
“ After @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s superstar performance , we knew we had to treat them to a few little sonatas from my nephew , who has really gotten quite good at the oboe after practicing for years , ” said Epic Games executive Paul Pochowski , explaining that his brother ’ s son had done an impressive job at his middle school ’ s Winter Recital , even after suffering an asthma attack earlier that week .
“ Even though he ’ s only in 8th grade , his band teacher thinks he has so much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for second chair when he starts high school next year .
He ’ s even placed at some competitions.
” “ Greg is a very nice young man—and exactly the sort of talent that gamers have come to expect from Fortnite , ” he added .
The Greg Pochowski ’ s Oboe Recital event , which gamers will be able to access by logging onto the game this evening or any night for the next week , will reportedly feature Mozart ’ s “ Oboe Quartet in F Major , ” as well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as Van Morrison ’ s “ Moondance.
” Since the visual element is so important to these virtual concerts , we ’ re also hearing that Greg will be wearing a crisp white-collared shirt that his mom ironed this morning , while sporting a very sharp new haircut parted in the middle for the crowd !
And get this !
His school ’ s arts club will also be on stage in an all-black ensemble for a modern interpretive dance routine set to an oboe cover of Adele ’ s “ Hello ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up the in-game park gazebo where Greg will be playing for everyone !
“ One note I ’ d like to give everyone is that Greg has had troubles with shyness in the past , so even doing this is a big step forward for him , ” Pochowski continued , noting that the developer estimated at least 10 million concurrent players would be viewing the event .
“ With that in mind , all we ask is that you please be polite during his performance.
” “ He already has had a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ classmates , ” he added .
So , get ready for another incredible live musical event , gamers !
Epic Games has totally outdone themselves yet again !
With Travis Scott ’ s incredible hip-hop and now Greg Pochowski ’ s oboe , we can ’ t wait to see what else Fortnite has in store !

Exciting news, battle royale fans! As any diehard gamer already knows, Fortnite hosted a virtual Travis Scott concert last week that attracted 12.3 million simultaneous players for a mind-melting psychedelic spectacle. Well, as a follow-up to that event’s unprecedented success, Epic Games just announced that 13-year-old Greg Pochowski, the nephew of an Epic Games executive, will be playing a small recital on the oboe for everyone to enjoy starting this Friday at 6 p.m. Eastern!
Way to keep delivering the awesome live events, Epic Games!
“After hearing how much fans loved Travis Scott’s superstar performance, we knew we had to treat them to a few little sonatas from my nephew, who has really gotten quite good at the oboe after practicing for years,” said Epic Games executive Paul Pochowski, explaining that his brother’s son had done an impressive job at his middle school’s Winter Recital, even after suffering an asthma attack earlier that week. “Even though he’s only in 8th grade, his band teacher thinks he has so much talent that he’s a shoo-in for second chair when he starts high school next year. He’s even placed at some competitions.”
Advertisement
“Greg is a very nice young man—and exactly the sort of talent that gamers have come to expect from Fortnite,” he added.
The Greg Pochowski’s Oboe Recital event, which gamers will be able to access by logging onto the game this evening or any night for the next week, will reportedly feature Mozart’s “Oboe Quartet in F Major,” as well as covers of more modern compositions such as Van Morrison’s “Moondance.” Since the visual element is so important to these virtual concerts, we’re also hearing that Greg will be wearing a crisp white-collared shirt that his mom ironed this morning, while sporting a very sharp new haircut parted in the middle for the crowd!
Advertisement Advertisement
And get this! His school’s arts club will also be on stage in an all-black ensemble for a modern interpretive dance routine set to an oboe cover of Adele’s “Hello” that we’re sure will spice up the in-game park gazebo where Greg will be playing for everyone!
“One note I’d like to give everyone is that Greg has had troubles with shyness in the past, so even doing this is a big step forward for him,” Pochowski continued, noting that the developer estimated at least 10 million concurrent players would be viewing the event. “With that in mind, all we ask is that you please be polite during his performance.”
Advertisement
“He already has had a very hard time fitting in with his classmates,” he added.
So, get ready for another incredible live musical event, gamers! Epic Games has totally outdone themselves yet again! With Travis Scott’s incredible hip-hop and now Greg Pochowski’s oboe, we can’t wait to see what else Fortnite has in store!


theonion--2020-05-01--Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON , NY—Acknowledging that it certainly wasn ’ t a good thing but there were more pressing matters , Americans @ @ @ @ @ indifference Friday following reports of the first case of Covid-19 spreading to a pet ferret @ @ @ @ @ about that , ” said Sandra Goetz , 34 , echoing the sentiments of 325 @ @ @ @ @ news of the species-to-species transmission with a halfhearted shrug .
“ I hate to ever @ @ @ @ @ is suffering , but I ’ m not exactly going to lose any sleep over @ @ @ @ @ , smelly-ass weasels getting sick .
I ’ m just praying the virus doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ like a bunny or a chinchilla.
” At press time , Americans across the country @ @ @ @ @ those disgusting domesticated polecats were already rife with every disease imaginable .

HASTINGS-ON-HUDSON, NY—Acknowledging that it certainly wasn’t a good thing but there were more pressing matters, Americans across the country reacted with indifference Friday following reports of the first case of Covid-19 spreading to a pet ferret. “Huh, how about that,” said Sandra Goetz, 34, echoing the sentiments of 325 million Americans who met the news of the species-to-species transmission with a halfhearted shrug. “I hate to ever hear that any living thing is suffering, but I’m not exactly going to lose any sleep over a few of those mean, smelly-ass weasels getting sick. I’m just praying the virus doesn’t spread to something good like a bunny or a chinchilla.” At press time, Americans across the country admitted they’d assumed those disgusting domesticated polecats were already rife with every disease imaginable.


theonion--2020-05-01--How Coronavirus Will Change Human Relationships

Research suggests the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic likely won ’ t subside for months , if not longer , @ @ @ @ @ human relationships could be forever affected by prolonged isolation , as well as efforts to @ @ @ @ @ Onion looks at how coronavirus will change human relationships .
Coughing and sneezing in another @ @ @ @ @ be considered sign of disrespect .
Roughly 10 years before general public feels comfortable offering @ @ @ @ @ Airlines will allow active grocery personnel to board first .
More people leaving spouse after @ @ @ @ @ outside their apartment .
People will abstain from engaging in casual , no-strings-attached handshakes .
@ @ @ @ @ remaining bars still being super crowded .
Touching another person likely met with feral hissing @ @ @ @ @ about developing any kind of personal relationship .

Research suggests the dangers of the coronavirus pandemic likely won’t subside for months, if not longer, and experts have warned that human relationships could be forever affected by prolonged isolation, as well as efforts to prevent future recurrences. The Onion looks at how coronavirus will change human relationships.
Coughing and sneezing in another person’s face will be considered sign of disrespect.
Advertisement
Roughly 10 years before general public feels comfortable offering bite of their sandwich.
Airlines will allow active grocery personnel to board first.
More people leaving spouse after discovering existence of other people outside their apartment.
Advertisement Advertisement
People will abstain from engaging in casual, no-strings-attached handshakes.
Economic collapse leading to few remaining bars still being super crowded.
Touching another person likely met with feral hissing.
People will think twice about developing any kind of personal relationship.


theonion--2020-05-01--Struggling United States Purchased By Private Equity Firm

The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners .
Hear what @ @ @ @ @ newly renamed United50 ’ s future , assuming it has one .
You can find @ @ @ @ @ , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The U.S. may have some big changes coming its way after being acquired by Prospect Capital Partners. Hear what this could mean for the newly renamed United50’s future, assuming it has one.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-01--New Fossil Evidence Suggests Dinosaur Could Swim

Paleontologists say the anatomy of a newly discovered tail fossil proves that Spinosaurus , a carnivore that lived during the @ @ @ @ @ through the water much like a crocodile , making it the first-known swimming dinosaur .
@ @ @ @ @ “ I hope I ne ver get dug up some day and theorized about.
” @ @ @ @ @ This whole time I ’ ve been going around like an idiot telling everyone Spinosaurus @ @ @ @ @ “ Huh , I didn ’ t realize they were still making new fossils .
@

Paleontologists say the anatomy of a newly discovered tail fossil proves that Spinosaurus, a carnivore that lived during the Cretaceous Period, could swim through the water much like a crocodile, making it the first-known swimming dinosaur. What do you think?
“I hope I ne ver get dug up some day and theorized about.” Troy McNamara, Spring Coiler
“Oh my God. This whole time I’ve been going around like an idiot telling everyone Spinosaurus couldn’t swim.” Moe Connolly, Prison Pen Pal
Advertisement


theonion--2020-05-04--Belarusian Soccer Execs Pop Champagne On New Mega Yacht To Celebrate Wave Of Increased Popularity Th

Belarusian Soccer Execs Pop Champagne On New Mega Yacht To Celebrate Wave Of Increased Popularity That Will Surely Last Forever

MINSK , BELARUS—Joyously toasting to the decision to continue play through the coronavirus pandemic , executives from the Belarusian Premier @ @ @ @ @ new mega yacht Monday to celebrate the league ’ s sudden spike in popularity that @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s clear that we ’ re the most beloved soccer league in @ @ @ @ @ be , ” said Dinamo Minsk chairman Andrey Tolmach , who revealed that the league @ @ @ @ @ teams and teased that a certain “ rapper from Toronto ” had recently been tapped @ @ @ @ @ this year ’ s title match .
“ We ’ re set for life !
@ @ @ @ @ football has finally gone global , and there ’ s no stopping us now .
@ @ @ @ @ should be able to sell our television rights to the BBC and ESPN .
Hell @ @ @ @ @ ESPN ?
” At press time , Tolmach announced plans to parlay the league ’ @ @ @ @ @ “ this terrible republic .
”

MINSK, BELARUS—Joyously toasting to the decision to continue play through the coronavirus pandemic, executives from the Belarusian Premier League popped champagne on their new mega yacht Monday to celebrate the league’s sudden spike in popularity that will surely last forever. “It’s clear that we’re the most beloved soccer league in the world and always will be,” said Dinamo Minsk chairman Andrey Tolmach, who revealed that the league was considering expanding to 24 teams and teased that a certain “rapper from Toronto” had recently been tapped to perform during halftime of this year’s title match. “We’re set for life! The Belarusian style of attacking football has finally gone global, and there’s no stopping us now. At this rate, we should be able to sell our television rights to the BBC and ESPN. Hell, maybe we could buy ESPN?” At press time, Tolmach announced plans to parlay the league’s newfound success to flee “this terrible republic.”


theonion--2020-05-04--Man Can’t Unsee That McDonald’s Logo Just Big ‘M’

OLATHE , KS—Expressing disbelief that he had gone almost 40 years without noticing the symbol that was hiding in plain sight , local man Brett Presley told reporters Monday that after a friend pointed it out , he could not unsee that the McDonald ’ s logo is secretly a big letter M. “ When Brian first told me that those big arches on the McDonald ’ s sign actually form an M , I just laughed at him , but now it ’ s all I see when I look at it , ” said Presley , adding that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he has told almost everyone he ’ s met about the secret message in the company trademark just to see the shock on their faces .
“ It ’ s such a clever design to sneak that in there .
Sometimes , I ’ ll bring it up on my phone and ask people if they see anything , but most folks will say they don ’ t see anything hidden , it ’ s just the McDonald ’ s logo .
I guess , like me , they just assumed it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added that he hopes the secret M does not have any sinister meaning like the Star of David hidden in the Hardee ’ s logo .

OLATHE, KS—Expressing disbelief that he had gone almost 40 years without noticing the symbol that was hiding in plain sight, local man Brett Presley told reporters Monday that after a friend pointed it out, he could not unsee that the McDonald’s logo is secretly a big letter M. “When Brian first told me that those big arches on the McDonald’s sign actually form an M, I just laughed at him, but now it’s all I see when I look at it,” said Presley, adding that since having the revelation several weeks ago, he has told almost everyone he’s met about the secret message in the company trademark just to see the shock on their faces. “It’s such a clever design to sneak that in there. Sometimes, I’ll bring it up on my phone and ask people if they see anything, but most folks will say they don’t see anything hidden, it’s just the McDonald’s logo. I guess, like me, they just assumed it was two bent-over french fries.” Presley added that he hopes the secret M does not have any sinister meaning like the Star of David hidden in the Hardee’s logo.


theonion--2020-05-04--Trump Blames China For Acting Too Late In Coordinating U.S. Coronavirus Response

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the rival superpower for what he called “ reckless ” and “ irresponsible ” behavior , President Donald Trump publicly blamed China Monday for acting too late in coordinating the U.S. Covid-19 response .
“ China knew our nation was facing a deadly threat as early as January , and yet they did nothing to develop a plan we could use to slow the spread of the virus , ” said Trump , noting thousands of American lives could have been saved if Chinese president Xi Jinping had only taken the threat seriously from the start and implemented a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the U.S. economy .
“ The Chinese government just kept waiting and waiting , sitting on their hands as the outbreak spread through the U.S. rather than leading our nation in the way it so desperately needed .
States shouldn ’ t be left out to dry , putting together piecemeal pandemic responses .
What else is a strong Communist Party for ?
And now they ’ re trying to cover it up , claiming the U.S. isn ’ t their responsibility.
” At press time , Trump added the administration had obtained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ engineered coronavirus in a lab in Washington .

WASHINGTON—Lambasting the rival superpower for what he called “reckless” and “irresponsible” behavior, President Donald Trump publicly blamed China Monday for acting too late in coordinating the U.S. Covid-19 response. “China knew our nation was facing a deadly threat as early as January, and yet they did nothing to develop a plan we could use to slow the spread of the virus,” said Trump, noting thousands of American lives could have been saved if Chinese president Xi Jinping had only taken the threat seriously from the start and implemented a strategy to reduce the negative impact on the U.S. economy. “The Chinese government just kept waiting and waiting, sitting on their hands as the outbreak spread through the U.S. rather than leading our nation in the way it so desperately needed. States shouldn’t be left out to dry, putting together piecemeal pandemic responses. What else is a strong Communist Party for? And now they’re trying to cover it up, claiming the U.S. isn’t their responsibility.” At press time, Trump added the administration had obtained new intelligence suggesting the Chinese government had engineered coronavirus in a lab in Washington.


theonion--2020-05-04--YouTube Shuts Down Account Of Man Who Pushed 5G Coronavirus Conspiracy

YouTube has deleted English conspiracy theorist David Icke ’ s account for violating their terms of service after Icke posted @ @ @ @ @ , a theory that has since incited dozens of arson attacks on cell towers .
@ @ @ @ @ “ All I ’ m saying is we didn ’ t have Covid-19 back when @ @ @ @ @ “ Once again , YouTube is silencing the truth about how profitable lying can be.
@ @ @ @ @ believe anything , even when the chemtrail evidence is right in front of their eyes @ @

YouTube has deleted English conspiracy theorist David Icke’s account for violating their terms of service after Icke posted videos claiming 5G spreads coronavirus, a theory that has since incited dozens of arson attacks on cell towers. What do you think?
“All I’m saying is we didn’t have Covid-19 back when we were using landlines.” Larry Gladstein • Hat Sizer
“Once again, YouTube is silencing the truth about how profitable lying can be.” Terry O’Shea • Barge Captain
Advertisement


theonion--2020-05-04--Kindergartener Can’t Believe Friend Has Never Seen ‘Cars 3’ Before

BROOKLYN—Expressing disbelief about his peer ’ s paucity of cinematic knowledge , area toddler Aiden McInnes was reportedly surprised Monday to discover that his friend Liam Kellerman had never seen the Pixar film Cars 3 .
“ Wow you ’ re really missing out on one of the all-time classic films when it comes to cars driving really , really fast , ” said McInnes , explaining that while you could definitely tell the film was made in 2017 , it still held up remarkably well and several of the race scenes were worth watching 80 or 90 times in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ favor tonight and get Mommy and Daddy to play it for you .
I ’ m telling you , this isn ’ t one of those movies that you know is important but is kind of a slog to sit through like The Secret Life Of Pets—this one is just gorgeous from start to finish .
It epitomizes the entire genre , and Mater is so silly !
” At press time , a disgusted McInnes was reevaluating his friendship with Kellerman after he argued Cars 3 couldn ” t be as good @ @ @ @ @ @

BROOKLYN—Expressing disbelief about his peer’s paucity of cinematic knowledge, area toddler Aiden McInnes was reportedly surprised Monday to discover that his friend Liam Kellerman had never seen the Pixar film Cars 3. “Wow you’re really missing out on one of the all-time classic films when it comes to cars driving really, really fast,” said McInnes, explaining that while you could definitely tell the film was made in 2017, it still held up remarkably well and several of the race scenes were worth watching 80 or 90 times in a row. “Do yourself a favor tonight and get Mommy and Daddy to play it for you. I’m telling you, this isn’t one of those movies that you know is important but is kind of a slog to sit through like The Secret Life Of Pets—this one is just gorgeous from start to finish. It epitomizes the entire genre, and Mater is so silly!” At press time, a disgusted McInnes was reevaluating his friendship with Kellerman after he argued Cars 3 couldn”t be as good as The Angry Birds Movie.


theonion--2020-05-04--Major Relief: Microsoft Has Confirmed That The Xbox Series X Will Play Video Games

Well , we can all breathe a little easier today .
After months of speculation over their next-generation console , Microsoft has finally confirmed what we were all hoping for : The Xbox Series X will play video games .
That should be a load off everyone ’ s mind !
Ever since “ Project Scarlett ” was first announced at E3 2019 , the biggest question among gamers—a source of concern that has stocked a major rumor mill—was whether Microsoft ’ s next-gen console would allow you to play video games on it .
Though we knew the Series @ @ @ @ @ @ @ GHz AMD processor and display images in 8K HD , there had been no definitive statement or leak that proved interactive games would be part of the package , and that ’ s caused many a sleepless night for Microsoft fanboys .
Thankfully , that all ended yesterday with the announcement from executive VP of gaming , Phil Spencer : “ The Xbox Series X will allow you to purchase and play video games , ” the gaming icon told us in a brief video uploaded to the company ’ s social media @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this is a great move that shows Microsoft really cares about its fans , who largely purchase the console in order to purchase and play a large selection of gaming titles .
This is also going to put to bed the worries of any Xbox user who enjoyed the ability to play games on previous consoles like the Xbox 360 or Xbox One .
So rest easy , gamers !
It makes sense that video game fans were on edge after the disappointment of learning the Panasonic DP-UB820 Blu-ray Player not having any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , we got some absolutely amazing news .

Well, we can all breathe a little easier today. After months of speculation over their next-generation console, Microsoft has finally confirmed what we were all hoping for: The Xbox Series X will play video games.
That should be a load off everyone’s mind!
Ever since “Project Scarlett” was first announced at E3 2019, the biggest question among gamers—a source of concern that has stocked a major rumor mill—was whether Microsoft’s next-gen console would allow you to play video games on it. Though we knew the Series X would run on a custom 3.8 GHz AMD processor and display images in 8K HD, there had been no definitive statement or leak that proved interactive games would be part of the package, and that’s caused many a sleepless night for Microsoft fanboys. Thankfully, that all ended yesterday with the announcement from executive VP of gaming, Phil Spencer:
Advertisement
“The Xbox Series X will allow you to purchase and play video games,” the gaming icon told us in a brief video uploaded to the company’s social media accounts.
We here at OGN think this is a great move that shows Microsoft really cares about its fans, who largely purchase the console in order to purchase and play a large selection of gaming titles. This is also going to put to bed the worries of any Xbox user who enjoyed the ability to play games on previous consoles like the Xbox 360 or Xbox One.
Advertisement Advertisement
So rest easy, gamers! It makes sense that video game fans were on edge after the disappointment of learning the Panasonic DP-UB820 Blu-ray Player not having any sort of gaming functionality. But this time, we got some absolutely amazing news.


theonion--2020-05-04--10 Reasons Falling For Shameless Click Bait Makes You A Bad Mother

Reliving your favorite moments from some old TV program may seem appealing at first , but if you were an @ @ @ @ @ you wouldn ’ t keep falling for this same click bait horseshit again and again—you @ @ @ @ @ to learn from your mistakes , and to pass that crucial life skill on to @ @ @

Reliving your favorite moments from some old TV program may seem appealing at first, but if you were an even halfway decent mother, you wouldn’t keep falling for this same click bait horseshit again and again—you’d have the capacity to learn from your mistakes, and to pass that crucial life skill on to your children.


theonion--2020-05-04--The Topical Wins A Pulitzer

The Topical Wins A Pulitzer

It ’ s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence .
Host Leslie Price accepts the @ @ @ @ @ as he showcases some of the show ’ s finest work .
You can find @ @ @ @ @ , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It’s the highest award one can receive for achievements in journalistic excellence. Host Leslie Price accepts the prize with grace and poise as he showcases some of the show’s finest work.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-04--Doctors Report ‘Covid Toes’ As Possible New Coronavirus Symptom

Dermatologists say red , swollen toes that appear frostbitten may be a sign of coronavirus , adding that it is @ @ @ @ @ cause rashes but the fact the lesions only appear on the feet make this symptom @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ What should we do if we ’ re too @ @ @ @ @ away from our own toes ?
”

Dermatologists say red, swollen toes that appear frostbitten may be a sign of coronavirus, adding that it is not unusual for viruses to cause rashes but the fact the lesions only appear on the feet make this symptom unique to the disease. What do you think?
“Aw man, I just have all the boring normal symptoms.” Quentin Steyns • Systems Analyst
“What should we do if we’re too short to stay 6 feet away from our own toes?” Aimee Thorley • Cuff Link Designer
Advertisement


theonion--2020-05-05--Immune System Bored Too

Immune System Bored Too

DETROIT—Feeling listless and irritable after weeks of dull routine and attempts to keep itself occupied , the immune system of self-quarantined local man Gary Dutton was bored too , sources confirmed Tuesday .
“ I ’ ll eventually go crazy if I keep puttering around like this with nothing to do but fight off the same old tedious household germs I ’ ve fought off a million times before , ” said the complex bodily system responsible for protecting Dutton against disease , adding that it felt especially useless knowing that as it sat there doing nothing , a highly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world right outside .
“ At this point , I ’ d be glad for just about any excuse to ramp up white blood cell production and really let loose on something .
It doesn ’ t have to be the novel coronavirus , either .
I ’ d take influenza , measles—for the love of God , at least give me a cold or a staph infection to neutralize.
” At press time , reports confirmed Dutton ’ s immune system had begun attacking normal , healthy tissue just to break the @ @

DETROIT—Feeling listless and irritable after weeks of dull routine and attempts to keep itself occupied, the immune system of self-quarantined local man Gary Dutton was bored too, sources confirmed Tuesday. “I’ll eventually go crazy if I keep puttering around like this with nothing to do but fight off the same old tedious household germs I’ve fought off a million times before,” said the complex bodily system responsible for protecting Dutton against disease, adding that it felt especially useless knowing that as it sat there doing nothing, a highly communicable, life-threatening virus was ravaging the world right outside. “At this point, I’d be glad for just about any excuse to ramp up white blood cell production and really let loose on something. It doesn’t have to be the novel coronavirus, either. I’d take influenza, measles—for the love of God, at least give me a cold or a staph infection to neutralize.” At press time, reports confirmed Dutton’s immune system had begun attacking normal, healthy tissue just to break the monotony.