theonion--2020-10-09--Key Swing States In The 2020 Election

Key Swing States In The 2020 Election

As in years past , the 2020 election could come down to the nation ’ s undemocratic voting system , which gives a few competitive swing states the power to choose the next president .
The Onion looks at the issues , demographics , and political influences that will shape how key 2020 swing states will vote .
North Carolina : Trump remains confident he can sway enough moderates to intimidate Democrats from voting .
Texas : The election could hinge on how much time and money Democrats waste here .
Michigan : Biden ’ s ahead in the polls @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s hard to say .
Minnesota : With the longest-running blue streak of any state , Minnesotans might want to vote Republican this time to avoid appearing too partisan .
Pennsylvania : Oh , that ’ s why everyone ’ s talking about fracking ?
Florida : A diverse but conservative-leaning state , it ’ s typically the U.S. Supreme Court who determines the winner .
Wisconsin : As in every election , the candidate with the most cheese in their pockets will carry Wisconsin .
Maine : Rural voters may @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of being personally lectured on how Trump is the real monster by Stephen King every time they go into town .
Iowa : Voters are terrified of what might happen if they ever stop being highly courted in presidential elections .
United States : Both President Trump and Vice President Biden have held important offices here , so it will be interesting to see which of the two candidates locals ultimately choose .

As in years past, the 2020 election could come down to the nation’s undemocratic voting system, which gives a few competitive swing states the power to choose the next president. The Onion looks at the issues, demographics, and political influences that will shape how key 2020 swing states will vote.
North Carolina: Trump remains confident he can sway enough moderates to intimidate Democrats from voting.
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Texas: The election could hinge on how much time and money Democrats waste here.
Michigan: Biden’s ahead in the polls but way behind in signage, so it’s hard to say.
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Minnesota: With the longest-running blue streak of any state, Minnesotans might want to vote Republican this time to avoid appearing too partisan.
Pennsylvania: Oh, that’s why everyone’s talking about fracking?
Florida: A diverse but conservative-leaning state, it’s typically the U.S. Supreme Court who determines the winner.
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Wisconsin: As in every election, the candidate with the most cheese in their pockets will carry Wisconsin.
Maine: Rural voters may go Republican because they’re tired of being personally lectured on how Trump is the real monster by Stephen King every time they go into town.
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Iowa: Voters are terrified of what might happen if they ever stop being highly courted in presidential elections.
United States: Both President Trump and Vice President Biden have held important offices here, so it will be interesting to see which of the two candidates locals ultimately choose.


theonion--2020-10-09--Hackers Obtain Data Of 45 Million Target Customers Revealing What They’ve Done In Store Bathrooms

MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for their lack of vigilance concerning their users ’ private information , Target announced Friday that hackers had been able to obtain the data of 45 million customers that revealed what they ’ ve been doing in the stores ’ bathrooms .
“ We are sincerely sorry that our security system was compromised and allowed thieves to gain access to all the filthy and depraved acts Target customers have been committing in our restrooms , ” said CEO Brian Cornell , issuing assurances that the retail chain would immediately put new safeguards in place to ensure that the comprehensive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have on every customer who ’ s entered their bathrooms could not be accessed by anyone outside the company .
“ Your trust is crucial to us , which is why we always want to make sure you can rest easy knowing that everything you ’ ve done in our restrooms—whether it ’ s stepping in to do a bump of coke , engaging in anonymous sex in one of the stalls , or simply having a horrifying bowel movement—remains between you and Target .
We have failed to honor that trust , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ takes to make it up to you disgusting animals.
” Cornell added that fortunately the hackers had been unable to obtain the massive trove of consumer data that every product purchased from Target is constantly beaming to the company .

MINNEAPOLIS—Apologizing for their lack of vigilance concerning their users’ private information, Target announced Friday that hackers had been able to obtain the data of 45 million customers that revealed what they’ve been doing in the stores’ bathrooms. “We are sincerely sorry that our security system was compromised and allowed thieves to gain access to all the filthy and depraved acts Target customers have been committing in our restrooms,” said CEO Brian Cornell, issuing assurances that the retail chain would immediately put new safeguards in place to ensure that the comprehensive data profile and hours of footage they have on every customer who’s entered their bathrooms could not be accessed by anyone outside the company. “Your trust is crucial to us, which is why we always want to make sure you can rest easy knowing that everything you’ve done in our restrooms—whether it’s stepping in to do a bump of coke, engaging in anonymous sex in one of the stalls, or simply having a horrifying bowel movement—remains between you and Target. We have failed to honor that trust, and we promise to do whatever it takes to make it up to you disgusting animals.” Cornell added that fortunately the hackers had been unable to obtain the massive trove of consumer data that every product purchased from Target is constantly beaming to the company.


theonion--2020-10-09--South Carolina Protecting Voters From Covid-19 By Erecting Plexiglass Barrier Around Entire Urban Po

South Carolina Protecting Voters From Covid-19 By Erecting Plexiglass Barrier Around Entire Urban Polling Place

CHARLESTON—In a move designed to protect voters from spreading the novel coronavirus , the South Carolina Election Commission announced Friday @ @ @ @ @ feature large plexiglass barriers around the entire building .
“ With election day fast approaching @ @ @ @ @ knowing that each polling location will be surrounded by a hermetically sealed , clear plastic @ @ @ @ @ to anything , including Covid -19 , ” said SEC spokesperson Jen Gardena , adding @ @ @ @ @ virus transmission by almost 100 % , because the thick plastic shields would feature no @ @ @ @ @ windows .
“ With millions of people looking to cast their vote in person , @ @ @ @ @ duty to ensure no South Carolina resident can enter these dangerous polling places , and @ @ @ @ @ This November , we hope our turn out , and transmission , is at zero @ @ @ @ @ , residents of South Carolina had reported seeing several plexiglass barriers surrounding both mailboxes and @ @ @ @

CHARLESTON—In a move designed to protect voters from spreading the novel coronavirus, the South Carolina Election Commission announced Friday that urban polling places would feature large plexiglass barriers around the entire building. “With election day fast approaching, voters should feel safe knowing that each polling location will be surrounded by a hermetically sealed, clear plastic cube that is totally impenetrable to anything, including Covid -19,” said SEC spokesperson Jen Gardena, adding that the ingenious design reduced virus transmission by almost 100%, because the thick plastic shields would feature no cracks, doors, or windows. “With millions of people looking to cast their vote in person, we believe it is our duty to ensure no South Carolina resident can enter these dangerous polling places, and thus transmit the virus. This November, we hope our turn out, and transmission, is at zero .” At press time, residents of South Carolina had reported seeing several plexiglass barriers surrounding both mailboxes and ballot drop boxes.


theonion--2020-10-09--Frisky Housewife Lets Revealing Robe Slip After Opening Door To Amazon Delivery Drone

SEATTLE—Biting her lower lip while giving the hovering delivery aircraft a a sultry glance , frisky housewife Mia Jeffries reportedly @ @ @ @ @ Friday after opening the door to her Amazon delivery drone .
“ Well , hello @ @ @ @ @ knew Amazon had a new fleet of prime drones , but I had no idea @ @ @ @ @ hot and bothered in 30 minutes or less , ” said Jeffries , who then @ @ @ @ @ took a deep sip of wine before asking the loud , buzzing drone if its @ @ @ @ @ had scanned of her body so far .
“ Mmm , you must be so @ @ @ @ @ those big , heavy packages all day and flying them from house to house .
@ @ @ @ @ t you buzz on inside here and maybe I can plug you in for a @ @ @ @ @ know what I mean.
” At press time , Jeffries screamed and tossed the drone @ @ @ @ @ her husband and three boys pulled into the driveway .

SEATTLE—Biting her lower lip while giving the hovering delivery aircraft a a sultry glance, frisky housewife Mia Jeffries reportedly let her revealing robe slip Friday after opening the door to her Amazon delivery drone. “Well, hello there big boy, I knew Amazon had a new fleet of prime drones, but I had no idea they’d have me hot and bothered in 30 minutes or less,” said Jeffries, who then leaned against the doorframe and took a deep sip of wine before asking the loud, buzzing drone if its vision sensors liked what they had scanned of her body so far. “Mmm, you must be so strong from lifting up all those big, heavy packages all day and flying them from house to house. Hey, why don’t you buzz on inside here and maybe I can plug you in for a quick recharge, if you know what I mean.” At press time, Jeffries screamed and tossed the drone out her bedroom window after her husband and three boys pulled into the driveway.


theonion--2020-10-09--Hurry Up! The First 100 OGE Attendees To Stop By The Nintendo Booth Today Will Get A Free Sample Of

Hurry Up! The First 100 OGE Attendees To Stop By The Nintendo Booth Today Will Get A Free Sample Of What Pikmin Taste Like

With thousands flocking through the doors at the Zweibel Convention Center to attend our first-ever Onion Gamer Expo , some of the best swag is going and going fast .
But we ’ re about to give you an inside scoop on one of the coolest offers of the whole conference : The first 100 OGE attendees to stop by the Nintendo Booth today will get a free sample of what Pikmin really taste like !
Hurry up !
This is a deal that ’ s too good to miss !
We ’ re talking Red , Yellow , Blue @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Flying Pikmin , sliced up and ready for your enjoyment !
So drop whatever you ’ re doing and come on by the Nintendo Gaming Experience to get an absolutely free , no-questions-asked sample .
And if you ’ re worried about trying such an exotic cut of meat , don ’ t worry !
These are flame-grilled , beautifully seasoned , and butchered into perfectly bite-sized cubes , so you won ’ t even imagine a Pikmin ’ s cute little face while you ’ re chowing down .
Admittedly , there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Pikmin meat that might be a bit unnerving if this is your first time .
That ’ s from their tiny bones and inner tendons , which aren ’ t removed in most traditional preparations .
After you understand that , you ’ ll realize those crunchier and chewier components actually lend a nice textural component .
And the meat ’ s flavor ?
It has this sweet and savory mix that you ’ ve got to experience for yourself to believe .
If you want to get really adventurous , there are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But watch out !
One out of every hundred preparations is supposed to be poisonous .
As an added incentive , the Nintendo employees are also providing wine pairings for the first 50 attendees .
That really helps wash down the gamier taste of these half-plant , half-animal bites .
They ’ re also offering complimentary silk cloth s to cover your face if you want to avoid offending G od with this culinary trespass against the laws of nature .
Just remember , they ’ re flying off the sample tray @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your own bite of these little critters as soon as you can !

With thousands flocking through the doors at the Zweibel Convention Center to attend our first-ever Onion Gamer Expo, some of the best swag is going and going fast. But we’re about to give you an inside scoop on one of the coolest offers of the whole conference: The first 100 OGE attendees to stop by the Nintendo Booth today will get a free sample of what Pikmin really taste like!
Hurry up! This is a deal that’s too good to miss!
We’re talking Red, Yellow, Blue, Purple, White, Rock and Flying Pikmin, sliced up and ready for your enjoyment! So drop whatever you’re doing and come on by the Nintendo Gaming Experience to get an absolutely free, no-questions-asked sample. And if you’re worried about trying such an exotic cut of meat, don’t worry! These are flame-grilled, beautifully seasoned, and butchered into perfectly bite-sized cubes, so you won’t even imagine a Pikmin’s cute little face while you’re chowing down.
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Admittedly, there’s a certain crunch to the Pikmin meat that might be a bit unnerving if this is your first time. That’s from their tiny bones and inner tendons, which aren’t removed in most traditional preparations. After you understand that, you’ll realize those crunchier and chewier components actually lend a nice textural component. And the meat’s flavor? It has this sweet and savory mix that you’ve got to experience for yourself to believe.
If you want to get really adventurous, there are also a few Bulbmin samples, too. But watch out! One out of every hundred preparations is supposed to be poisonous.
Advertisement Advertisement
As an added incentive, the Nintendo employees are also providing wine pairings for the first 50 attendees. That really helps wash down the gamier taste of these half-plant, half-animal bites. They’re also offering complimentary silk cloth s to cover your face if you want to avoid offending G od with this culinary trespass against the laws of nature. Just remember, they’re flying off the sample tray, so get on over here for your own bite of these little critters as soon as you can!


theonion--2020-10-09--Report: Kangaroo At Petting Zoo Can’t Be Good

Oh yeah , that ’ s definitely not good .
We have the latest on this marsupial that could only @ @ @ @ @ particularly sketchy means .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Oh yeah, that’s definitely not good. We have the latest on this marsupial that could only have been acquired through some particularly sketchy means.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-08--Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part 2

A Man Cosplaying As Link Proposed To His Girlfriend Cosplaying As Zelda And She Said No But Their Costumes Were @ @ @ @ @ their engagement is not to be and it may cause some problems or even an @ @ @ @ @ onlookers were dazzled by this couples beautifully intricate costuming during their failed proposal .

A Man Cosplaying As Link Proposed To His Girlfriend Cosplaying As Zelda And She Said No But Their Costumes Were Incredible: Even though ultimately their engagement is not to be and it may cause some problems or even an end to their relationship, onlookers were dazzled by this couples beautifully intricate costuming during their failed proposal.


theonion--2020-10-12--Fourth Championship Win Definitively Proves LeBron James Is An Active NBA Player

KISSIMMEE , FL—Cementing his place as being part of the annals of basketball history , league sources confirmed Friday that @ @ @ @ @ championship definitively proved that he is an active NBA player .
“ I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ at LeBron ’ s body of work and deny that he ’ s in the @ @ @ @ @ have played basketball professionally , ” said Washington Post NBA writer Ben Golliver , who @ @ @ @ @ of Tim Duncan , Sidney Moncrief , and Greg Ostertag as men who have logged @ @ @ @ @ “ He was already an active player before the title , but it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ right up there with Jordan alphabetically .
We ’ re talking about a cherished member @ @ @ @ @ .
By the time he retires , there ’ ll be no doubt that LeBron @ @ @ @ @ a team.
” At press time , Golliver credited James as top-three on the list @ @ @ @ @ active player .

KISSIMMEE, FL—Cementing his place as being part of the annals of basketball history, league sources confirmed Friday that LeBron James capturing his fourth championship definitively proved that he is an active NBA player. “I don’t know how you look at LeBron’s body of work and deny that he’s in the elite club of people who have played basketball professionally,” said Washington Post NBA writer Ben Golliver, who compared James to the likes of Tim Duncan, Sidney Moncrief, and Greg Ostertag as men who have logged minutes for NBA teams. “He was already an active player before the title, but it’s clear now that he ranks right up there with Jordan alphabetically. We’re talking about a cherished member of the NBA Players Association. By the time he retires, there’ll be no doubt that LeBron was the G.O.A.T—a guy on a team.” At press time, Golliver credited James as top-three on the list of games played by an active player.


theonion--2020-10-12--Undecided Voter Still Hasn’t Made Up Mind As To Who Won NBA Finals

BOCA RATON , FL—Thinking that he might not be able to come to a final verdict until November , undecided voter Sydney Haselwood told reporters Friday that he still hasn ’ t made up his mind as to who won the 2020 NBA Finals .
“ Both teams made some good points , so I ’ ll need more time to make my assessment , ” said Haselwood , 51 , clarifying that he didn ’ t trust NBA media to put aside its coastal bias and accurately report who won .
“ The Lakers had the lead at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ still not convinced that qualifies as a victory .
I actually think it ’ s a bit unfair that our country only has two teams competing for championships , when a third-party might inject some life into the system .
But I have some friends who support the Heat , so maybe I ’ ll go with them .
Personally , I was leaning a little more towards Indiana , and I still might write them in as champions.
” At press time , Haselwood announced plans to listen to whoever Joe Rogan @ @ @ @ @

BOCA RATON, FL—Thinking that he might not be able to come to a final verdict until November, undecided voter Sydney Haselwood told reporters Friday that he still hasn’t made up his mind as to who won the 2020 NBA Finals. “Both teams made some good points, so I’ll need more time to make my assessment,” said Haselwood, 51, clarifying that he didn’t trust NBA media to put aside its coastal bias and accurately report who won. “The Lakers had the lead at the final buzzer, but I’m still not convinced that qualifies as a victory. I actually think it’s a bit unfair that our country only has two teams competing for championships, when a third-party might inject some life into the system. But I have some friends who support the Heat, so maybe I’ll go with them. Personally, I was leaning a little more towards Indiana, and I still might write them in as champions.” At press time, Haselwood announced plans to listen to whoever Joe Rogan said was the winner.


theonion--2020-10-12--JPMorgan Chase Pledges $30 Billion To Address Racial Wealth Inequality

JPMorgan Chase has pledged to spend $ 30 billion over the next five years to help close the racial wealth @ @ @ @ @ affordable housing units , and business loans for Black and Latinx clients , though the @ @ @ @ @ allegations of discrimination by both employees and customers .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ h JPMorgan Chase will earn back in interest !
” “ This pledge is so @ @ @ @ @ need to ever check back if it actually happens .
”

JPMorgan Chase has pledged to spend $30 billion over the next five years to help close the racial wealth gap through home loans, affordable housing units, and business loans for Black and Latinx clients, though the company has for years faced allegations of discrimination by both employees and customers. What do you think?
“And just think how muc h JPMorgan Chase will earn back in interest!” Priscilla Heimann • Plant Evangelist
“This pledge is so generous that I see no need to ever check back if it actually happens.” Diego Jones • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-10-12--Jaime Harrison Sets $57 Million Senate Fundraising Record

Democrat Jaime Harrison has set a new senate campaign fundraising record , bringing in $ 57 million in donations this @ @ @ @ @ South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham and beating the previous $ 38 million record held by @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Is he taking that as a lump sum or @ @ @ @ @

Democrat Jaime Harrison has set a new senate campaign fundraising record, bringing in $57 million in donations this quarter in the race against South Carolina senator Lindsey Graham and beating the previous $38 million record held by Beto O’Rourke. What do you think?
“Well, it worked for Beto.” Bryan Maltese • Systems Analyst
“What a relief, now I don’t have to bother voting.” Krissy Abada • Tortoise Breeder
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theonion--2020-10-12--‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ball

‘Poll Watching Is Not Voter Intimidation,’ Trump Supporter Whispers Into Ear Of Man Filling Out Ballot In Voting Booth

ERIE , PA—Pushing back against what he viewed as an overly hysterical media narrative , Trump supporter Tom Nagle whispered @ @ @ @ @ watching is not intimidation into the ear of a man filling out a ballot .
@ @ @ @ @ what ’ s going on at the polls is simply a way to ensure that @ @ @ @ @ , ” said an armed Nagle , his hot breath reportedly palpable on the prospective @ @ @ @ @ he continually issued assurances that he was merely there to safeguard democracy .
“ There @ @ @ @ @ illegal about this—me and my fellow poll watchers here are simply making sure that there @ @ @ @ @ business and nobody ’ s tampering with the electoral process .
Now you just sit @ @ @ @ @ hard about whether that ’ s really the best candidate for our country.
” At @ @ @ @ @ beaten the man unconscious after he was unable to immediately produce a voter ID .

ERIE, PA—Pushing back against what he viewed as an overly hysterical media narrative, Trump supporter Tom Nagle whispered his assertion Monday that poll watching is not intimidation into the ear of a man filling out a ballot. “Keeping an eye on what’s going on at the polls is simply a way to ensure that the election is conducted fairly,” said an armed Nagle, his hot breath reportedly palpable on the prospective voter’s neck as he continually issued assurances that he was merely there to safeguard democracy. “There’s nothing untoward or illegal about this—me and my fellow poll watchers here are simply making sure that there’s not any funny business and nobody’s tampering with the electoral process. Now you just sit there and think long and hard about whether that’s really the best candidate for our country.” At press time, Nagle had beaten the man unconscious after he was unable to immediately produce a voter ID.


theonion--2020-10-12--Detective Still Haunted By Cold Case He Was Never Able To Pin On Minority

LOS ANGELES—Still unable to let the long-dormant investigation go , LAPD detective Nick Grady remains haunted years later by a cold case he has never been able to pin on a minority , sources confirmed Monday .
“ Come on , come on , I must have missed some Black or Hispanic teenager who happened to be walking around near the scene of the crime , ” said Grady , spending late hours at the precinct poring over old case files in a desperate attempt to find someone in the vicinity at the time that he could claim was part @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Wait a minute—my God , how did I miss this ?
A witness says she saw a young man in a hoodie parked in a nearby car .
Damn it , if only I ’ d put this together all those years ago , then I could have found a dark-skinned kid and gotten him locked up , but instead I let him slip right through my fingers .
What a fool I ’ ve been !
” At press time , a disillusioned Grady had vowed that he would see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ minorities himself .

LOS ANGELES—Still unable to let the long-dormant investigation go, LAPD detective Nick Grady remains haunted years later by a cold case he has never been able to pin on a minority, sources confirmed Monday. “Come on, come on, I must have missed some Black or Hispanic teenager who happened to be walking around near the scene of the crime,” said Grady, spending late hours at the precinct poring over old case files in a desperate attempt to find someone in the vicinity at the time that he could claim was part of a gang and throw in prison. “Wait a minute—my God, how did I miss this? A witness says she saw a young man in a hoodie parked in a nearby car. Damn it, if only I’d put this together all those years ago, then I could have found a dark-skinned kid and gotten him locked up, but instead I let him slip right through my fingers. What a fool I’ve been!” At press time, a disillusioned Grady had vowed that he would see justice served by gunning down some random minorities himself.


theonion--2020-10-12--Total Collapse Of Democracy So Horrifying America Decides It Hasn’t Happened Yet

WASHINGTON—As citizens across the nation sought to insulate themselves from mounting evidence to the contrary , several reports indicated Monday that the idea of the total collapse of democracy was so horrifying that America decided it hadn ’ t happened yet .
“ We can ’ t let them take away our democracy , ” said Prescott , AZ insurance agent Daniel Cross , echoing the concerns of a terrified American populace that imagined a future in which the nation ’ s democratic ideals were hopelessly compromised , and determined that in the meantime , the Electoral College , U.S. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ power concentrated in the presidency , lack of universal suffrage , frequent executive overrides of decisions that had majority support of the American populace , the manipulation of voting boundaries on the federal , state , and local levels , a strict two-party system that used legislative means to effectively prevent additional parties from gaining traction , widespread voter suppression , corporate control of the media , massive lobbying sector , outsourcing of public services to profit-driven private firms , concentration of power among a few wealthy individuals , complex legal labyrinths designed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ basic rights , deregulation that led to widespread health , environmental , and economic hardship , unfettered campaign donations , effective legal immunity on the basis of status , wealth , or membership in a state police force , legal and economic obstacles to free assembly and free speech , poor education in both critical thinking and democratic ideas , unelected local councils and boards with significant influence over the distribution of public resources without fair notice or inclusion of the general populace , and the repeated efforts by the United States to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expense of undermining its own democratic processes at home didn ’ t currently exist .
“ This election is a make-or-break moment for our democracy .
It ’ s the most important election of our lifetimes.
” Additional reports suggested that the prospects of a badly compromised political system in the United States were so disturbing to contemplate that Americans decided that real democracy had at some point actually existed .

WASHINGTON—As citizens across the nation sought to insulate themselves from mounting evidence to the contrary, several reports indicated Monday that the idea of the total collapse of democracy was so horrifying that America decided it hadn’t happened yet. “We can’t let them take away our democracy,” said Prescott, AZ insurance agent Daniel Cross, echoing the concerns of a terrified American populace that imagined a future in which the nation’s democratic ideals were hopelessly compromised, and determined that in the meantime, the Electoral College, U.S. Senate, unelected Supreme Court, increased power concentrated in the presidency, lack of universal suffrage, frequent executive overrides of decisions that had majority support of the American populace, the manipulation of voting boundaries on the federal, state, and local levels, a strict two-party system that used legislative means to effectively prevent additional parties from gaining traction, widespread voter suppression, corporate control of the media, massive lobbying sector, outsourcing of public services to profit-driven private firms, concentration of power among a few wealthy individuals, complex legal labyrinths designed to prevent regular people from exercising their basic rights, deregulation that led to widespread health, environmental, and economic hardship, unfettered campaign donations, effective legal immunity on the basis of status, wealth, or membership in a state police force, legal and economic obstacles to free assembly and free speech, poor education in both critical thinking and democratic ideas, unelected local councils and boards with significant influence over the distribution of public resources without fair notice or inclusion of the general populace, and the repeated efforts by the United States to undermine democracy in foreign countries at the expense of undermining its own democratic processes at home didn’t currently exist. “This election is a make-or-break moment for our democracy. It’s the most important election of our lifetimes.” Additional reports suggested that the prospects of a badly compromised political system in the United States were so disturbing to contemplate that Americans decided that real democracy had at some point actually existed.


theonion--2020-10-12--Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtro

Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court , Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith ’ s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the court to crush the nation ’ s poorest and most downtrodden citizens .
“ When you become a judge , you take an oath to not let the Christian values of helping the less fortunate affect your decisions , ” said Barrett , noting that despite her savior Jesus Christ repeatedly lecturing His followers on the importance of catering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she believed the country was founded on the separation of church and state for a reason .
“ Rest assured , the routine suppression of the meek and the hungry is central to our democracy , and I vow to decide all cases with that in mind—as is precedent .
While I deeply believe in the Catholic virtue of mercy in my personal life , compassion has no place in my courtroom , and my long history as a federal judge demonstrates that .
As soon as I put on my robes and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rule all but ceases to exist.
” Barrett added that her time as a clerk for Justice Scalia proved that she was capable of treating the poor as less than human beings in the eyes of the law .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to assure critics during her Senate confirmation hearing for the Supreme Court, Judge Amy Coney Barrett promised Monday that her Catholic faith’s tenets of generosity and humanity would not interfere with her duty on the court to crush the nation’s poorest and most downtrodden citizens. “When you become a judge, you take an oath to not let the Christian values of helping the less fortunate affect your decisions,” said Barrett, noting that despite her savior Jesus Christ repeatedly lecturing His followers on the importance of catering to the most disadvantaged among them, she believed the country was founded on the separation of church and state for a reason. “Rest assured, the routine suppression of the meek and the hungry is central to our democracy, and I vow to decide all cases with that in mind—as is precedent. While I deeply believe in the Catholic virtue of mercy in my personal life, compassion has no place in my courtroom, and my long history as a federal judge demonstrates that. As soon as I put on my robes and step into my chambers, the Golden Rule all but ceases to exist.” Barrett added that her time as a clerk for Justice Scalia proved that she was capable of treating the poor as less than human beings in the eyes of the law.


theonion--2020-10-12--Mom Won’t Stop Talking About How Doctor Praised Her Colonoscopy Preparation

ABITA SPRINGS , LA—Having carefully followed the recommended guidelines for clearing her bowels prior to the medical test , local mom Anne Kappas would not stop talking about how her doctor had praised the thoroughness of her preparation for a recent colonoscopy , sources confirmed Monday .
“ He told me I did everything correctly with the clear-liquid diet the day before , which I guess really helps clean all that stuff out of there , ” Kappas wrote in one of 17 texts about the matter sent to family members , many of whom reportedly tried and failed to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the exchange .
“ I was surprised when he said I was one of the best-prepped patients he ’ s ever had , but apparently some people he sees don ’ t even finish the full gallon of their laxative solution , if you can believe that !
He also seemed really impressed that I didn ’ t have any polyps or lesions or anything , so it looks like my colon ’ s in pretty good shape.
” At press time , reports indicated the family was relieved after their mother excitedly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wouldn ’ t need another colonoscopy until 2030 .

ABITA SPRINGS, LA—Having carefully followed the recommended guidelines for clearing her bowels prior to the medical test, local mom Anne Kappas would not stop talking about how her doctor had praised the thoroughness of her preparation for a recent colonoscopy, sources confirmed Monday. “He told me I did everything correctly with the clear-liquid diet the day before, which I guess really helps clean all that stuff out of there,” Kappas wrote in one of 17 texts about the matter sent to family members, many of whom reportedly tried and failed to change the subject at several points during the exchange. “I was surprised when he said I was one of the best-prepped patients he’s ever had, but apparently some people he sees don’t even finish the full gallon of their laxative solution, if you can believe that! He also seemed really impressed that I didn’t have any polyps or lesions or anything, so it looks like my colon’s in pretty good shape.” At press time, reports indicated the family was relieved after their mother excitedly explained the doctor had told her she wouldn’t need another colonoscopy until 2030.


theonion--2020-10-12--New Paternity Leave Policy Would Allow Fathers To Take Off Work If They Need To Appear On ‘Maury’

The progressive new policy grants potential fathers eight days to fly out to a taping of the popular daytime talk @ @ @ @ @ if they are off the hook for the next 18 years or if their old @ @ @ @ @ trap them out of revenge .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

The progressive new policy grants potential fathers eight days to fly out to a taping of the popular daytime talk show so they can determine if they are off the hook for the next 18 years or if their old side piece is trying to trap them out of revenge.
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You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-12--Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For

Right-Wing Militia Wondering When Someone Will Notice They’ve Been Holding J.B. Pritzker Hostage For Months

SPRINGFIELD , IL—Expressing bewilderment at the complete lack of response by the media and authorities , members of a right-wing militia told reporters Monday they were wondering when someone would notice they ’ ve been holding Governor J.B. Pritzker hostage for the last few months .
“ We thought Illinois residents would be devastated once they discovered their governor had been kidnapped , shutting down the state , doing everything in their power to get him back , but no one ’ s even answered our ransom letter , ” said Mark Johnson , member of the Constitutional Defenders militia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ several anonymous voicemails for television stations and law enforcement and even dropped the amount of ransom by a few thousand dollars , but so far , everyone has continued to go about their daily business .
“ We sent several packages containing the governor ’ s severed fingers out to various family members , and even those were returned unopened .
If no one responds to our live stream of Pritzker chained up in the basement , I just don ’ t know what we ’ re going to do , because right @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to feed him.
” At press time , the Constitutional Defenders put it to a vote to cut their losses and dump Pritzker somewhere way out in Lake Michigan .

SPRINGFIELD, IL—Expressing bewilderment at the complete lack of response by the media and authorities, members of a right-wing militia told reporters Monday they were wondering when someone would notice they’ve been holding Governor J.B. Pritzker hostage for the last few months. “We thought Illinois residents would be devastated once they discovered their governor had been kidnapped, shutting down the state, doing everything in their power to get him back, but no one’s even answered our ransom letter,” said Mark Johnson, member of the Constitutional Defenders militia group, adding that they had left several anonymous voicemails for television stations and law enforcement and even dropped the amount of ransom by a few thousand dollars, but so far, everyone has continued to go about their daily business. “We sent several packages containing the governor’s severed fingers out to various family members, and even those were returned unopened. If no one responds to our livestream of Pritzker chained up in the basement, I just don’t know what we’re going to do, because right now we’re losing money having to feed him.” At press time, the Constitutional Defenders put it to a vote to cut their losses and dump Pritzker somewhere way out in Lake Michigan.


theonion--2020-10-13--Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tyi

Report: Amtrak Loses $100 Million Annually To Route Interruptions Caused By Mustachioed Villains Tying Kidnapped Damsels To Railroad Tracks

Find out how often your local route is disrupted by train conductors unwittingly barreling over screaming lassies as they wave @ @ @ @ @ air for help .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Find out how often your local route is disrupted by train conductors unwittingly barreling over screaming lassies as they wave their dainty handkerchiefs in the air for help.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-13--Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 13, 2020

If you somehow magically had the chance to do it all over again , you ’ d do everything in @ @ @ @ @ happy .
You don ’ t , though , because that ’ s not the @ @ @ @

Leo | July 23 to Aug. 22
Often it feels as if everything is too hard for you and that anything you try ends in failure, but take heart: Those feelings have to be wrong eventually.


theonion--2020-10-13--Paris Hilton Leads Protest To Shut Down Utah Boarding School

Reality star Paris Hilton is calling for the closure of Provo Canyon School , a reformatory boarding school in Utah @ @ @ @ @ other former students including tattoo artist Kat Von D and Michael Jackson ’ s daughter @ @ @ @ @ were physically , mentally , and emotionally abused .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ for an awkward edition of the Provo Canyon alumni newsletter.
” “ I guess even @ @ @ @ @ public figures harbor trauma.
” “ It ’ s shocking that in 2020 things like @ @ @ @ @

Reality star Paris Hilton is calling for the closure of Provo Canyon School, a reformatory boarding school in Utah where she and hundreds of other former students including tattoo artist Kat Von D and Michael Jackson’s daughter, Paris, say they were physically, mentally, and emotionally abused. What do you think?
“This is going to make for an awkward edition of the Provo Canyon alumni newsletter.” Hunter Slomka, Meat Certifier
“I guess even the happiest and most well-adjusted public figures harbor trauma.” Shad Gorman, Crab Pot Cleaner
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theonion--2020-10-13--Media Pledges Not To Prematurely Declare Election Winner Unless Viewers Start Losing Interest

NEW YORK—In an effort to safeguard the democratic process during a year in which a record number of ballots will be counted after election d ay , top TV news outlets including CNN , MSNBC , and Fox vowed Tuesday they would not prematurely declare a winner in the presidential contest unless their ratings began to drop .
“ With so much uncertainty surrounding the race this time around , we simply can not risk announcing the outcome until a candidate has decisively won the Electoral College or our viewers are growing bored enough to change the channel , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added that the election was far too important for the media to sow confusion about who had been victorious , except in a circumstance in which a network was failing to deliver the kinds of numbers its advertisers expected .
“ It ’ s our duty as members of the free press to keep our reporting as accurate as possible , and up to the moment one of our competitors draws a better audience with a too-hasty verdict on the results , that ’ s exactly what we ’ ll do .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and millions of others stay tuned in , we won ’ t resort to calling Florida with only 30 % of precincts reporting.
” At press time , members of the media clarified that they still reserved the right to gin up ratings by declaring Trump the winner and then backtracking to call it for Biden , then Trump , and then Biden again .

NEW YORK—In an effort to safeguard the democratic process during a year in which a record number of ballots will be counted after election d ay, top TV news outlets including CNN, MSNBC, and Fox vowed Tuesday they would not prematurely declare a winner in the presidential contest unless their ratings began to drop. “With so much uncertainty surrounding the race this time around, we simply cannot risk announcing the outcome until a candidate has decisively won the Electoral College or our viewers are growing bored enough to change the channel,” said CNN anchor Jake Tapper, who added that the election was far too important for the media to sow confusion about who had been victorious, except in a circumstance in which a network was failing to deliver the kinds of numbers its advertisers expected. “It’s our duty as members of the free press to keep our reporting as accurate as possible, and up to the moment one of our competitors draws a better audience with a too-hasty verdict on the results, that’s exactly what we’ll do. You can trust that as long as you and millions of others stay tuned in, we won’t resort to calling Florida with only 30% of precincts reporting.” At press time, members of the media clarified that they still reserved the right to gin up ratings by declaring Trump the winner and then backtracking to call it for Biden, then Trump, and then Biden again.


theonion--2020-10-13--Historic Number Of LGBTQ Candidates To Appear On November Ballots

The LGBTQ Victory Fund reports that more lesbian , gay , bisexual , transgender , and queer candidates ran for @ @ @ @ @ ever before , with 576 candidates up for election this November , a 33 % @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ As long as a ca ndidate is attractive , who @ @ @ @ @ ?
” “ I ’ m not sure this country is ready for a bisexual @ @ @ @ @ Rick Santorum must be rolling in his grave right now .
”

The LGBTQ Victory Fund reports that more lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer candidates ran for public office this year than ever before, with 576 candidates up for election this November, a 33% increase from 2018. What do you think?
“As long as a ca ndidate is attractive, who cares about their sexual orientation?” Joey Osman • Phone Operator
“I’m not sure this country is ready for a bisexual water reclamation supervisor.” Maria Carini • Local Celebrity
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theonion--2020-10-13--‘Well, They’re Harmless And They Help With Pests,’ Says Man Deciding Against Squashing Cat

MILWAUKEE—Talking himself out of immediately killing the creature as it crawled from underneath his bed , local man Tim Wolinski was overheard Tuesday saying , “ Well , they ’ re harmless and they help with pests , ” as he decided against squashing a cat found inside his home .
“ Ugh , those things are so creepy , but technically they ’ re pretty good at catching critters so I guess I ’ ll let it be , ” said a visibly shaken Wolinski , who set down the shoe he ’ d raised over his head to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ its hairy , spastic legs in his periphery , hoping instead it would help reduce the population of smaller pests around the apartment .
“ The way they dart around just makes my skin crawl .
Plus , the large glassy eyes and huge nasty fangs really freak me out .
My impulse is to immediately smash it , but I guess it ’ s not really bothering anyone over there and I hate the sound they make when you squish them—you can really hear the crunch .
As long as it stays @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an eye on it , it should be fine , but if it jumps on me that ’ s a different story .
How the hell do they keep getting in here ?
” At press time , Wolinski had reportedly managed to encourage the intruder to climb onto a piece of cardboard , which he then shook out the window of his third- floor a partment .

MILWAUKEE—Talking himself out of immediately killing the creature as it crawled from underneath his bed, local man Tim Wolinski was overheard Tuesday saying, “Well, they’re harmless and they help with pests,” as he decided against squashing a cat found inside his home. “Ugh, those things are so creepy, but technically they’re pretty good at catching critters so I guess I’ll let it be,” said a visibly shaken Wolinski, who set down the shoe he’d raised over his head to smash the organism after catching sight of its hairy, spastic legs in his periphery, hoping instead it would help reduce the population of smaller pests around the apartment. “The way they dart around just makes my skin crawl. Plus, the large glassy eyes and huge nasty fangs really freak me out. My impulse is to immediately smash it, but I guess it’s not really bothering anyone over there and I hate the sound they make when you squish them—you can really hear the crunch. As long as it stays in the corner where I can keep an eye on it, it should be fine, but if it jumps on me that’s a different story. How the hell do they keep getting in here?” At press time, Wolinski had reportedly managed to encourage the intruder to climb onto a piece of cardboard, which he then shook out the window of his third- floor a partment.


theonion--2020-10-13--Amazon Offers New Blank Box Upcharge For Progressive Members To Discreetly Receive Prime Orders

SEATTLE—In an effort to help socially conscious subscribers avoid the judgment of their peers , Amazon reportedly began offering a new blank box upcharge Tuesday for progressive members to discreetly receive their Prime orders .
“ For just $ 3 per shipment , Amazon users who are outwardly critical of our company can have their packages delivered in a blank cardboard box without any logos or branding so they ’ ll never get called out for being hypocritical , ” read the company ’ s press release , which explained how the packages would be delivered by a plainclothes employee @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to avoid drawing any suspicion .
“ Our new concealment services are perfect for any activist type who publicly condemns our unethical business practices yet sometimes needs to order some disposable razors on a two-day turnaround .
We have already begun rolling out the service in liberal hubs such as Portland , Berkeley , and New York , and will be expanding to other cities in the coming months.
” The press release also explained that for an extra $ 2 , each package could be branded with the logo of a struggling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or a local farming co-op .

SEATTLE—In an effort to help socially conscious subscribers avoid the judgment of their peers, Amazon reportedly began offering a new blank box upcharge Tuesday for progressive members to discreetly receive their Prime orders. “For just $3 per shipment, Amazon users who are outwardly critical of our company can have their packages delivered in a blank cardboard box without any logos or branding so they’ll never get called out for being hypocritical,” read the company’s press release, which explained how the packages would be delivered by a plainclothes employee in a nondescript white van so as to avoid drawing any suspicion. “Our new concealment services are perfect for any activist type who publicly condemns our unethical business practices yet sometimes needs to order some disposable razors on a two-day turnaround. We have already begun rolling out the service in liberal hubs such as Portland, Berkeley, and New York, and will be expanding to other cities in the coming months.” The press release also explained that for an extra $2, each package could be branded with the logo of a struggling, non-profit bookstore that helps disenfranchised communities or a local farming co-op.


theonion--2020-10-13--Old Man Remembers When Things Cost Roughly The Same As Now After Adjusting For Inflation

GREENBELT , MD—Comparing the prices of common household goods to what they were back in his younger days , local old man George Swander reportedly remembered Tuesday when things cost roughly the same as now after adjusting for inflation .
“ Back in my day , you see , you could get a hamburger for just 15 cents , which , when taking into account steady economic growth and the increase in federal monetary creation over time , is about the same as it is now , ” said Swander , recalling that he used to be able to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ week that , in relative terms , equaled roughly the same amount that his expenses came out to today .
“ When I see how much even basic stuff like food and household items cost nowadays , I ’ m always shocked until I factor inflation into it , and then it ’ s just like I was back in 1954 .
Your dollar used to go about the same distance once you take overall adjusted economic growth into account , believe me.
” The old man added that he even remembered when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as they do now after seeing the hourly rate was exactly the same .

GREENBELT, MD—Comparing the prices of common household goods to what they were back in his younger days, local old man George Swander reportedly remembered Tuesday when things cost roughly the same as now after adjusting for inflation. “Back in my day, you see, you could get a hamburger for just 15 cents, which, when taking into account steady economic growth and the increase in federal monetary creation over time, is about the same as it is now,” said Swander, recalling that he used to be able to get by on just a few bucks a week that, in relative terms, equaled roughly the same amount that his expenses came out to today. “When I see how much even basic stuff like food and household items cost nowadays, I’m always shocked until I factor inflation into it, and then it’s just like I was back in 1954. Your dollar used to go about the same distance once you take overall adjusted economic growth into account, believe me.” The old man added that he even remembered when minimum-wage jobs paid roughly the same amount as they do now after seeing the hourly rate was exactly the same.


theonion--2020-10-12--NASA’s Hubble Telescope Captures Rare Sight Of 2 Galaxies Mating

BALTIMORE—Calling the images “ a stunning glimpse into how the vast star systems of the universe procreate , ” NASA officials announced Tuesday that the Hubble Space Telescope had recently given scientists the rare opportunity to observe a pair of galaxies mating .
“ We almost never get to study the courtship ritual up close like this , but here you can clearly see one galaxy firmly grasping another and pulling it in close with its spiral arms , ” said astronomer Grace Yoder , who gave a presentation at the Space Telescope Science Institute in which she displayed high-resolution @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clusters hard against each other .
“ Note the growing size of the first partner ’ s galactic bulge as it begins to approach the second partner ’ s supermassive black hole .
Their subsequent collision results from what may be the most powerful magnetic force in the universe , and it won ’ t let up until both galaxies have experienced complete gravitational collapse .
Sadly , the Hubble is not equipment with the instruments required to measure just how hot it gets when this happens.
” At press time , reports @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the act of mating ended with one galaxy completely devouring the other .

BALTIMORE—Calling the images “a stunning glimpse into how the vast star systems of the universe procreate,” NASA officials announced Tuesday that the Hubble Space Telescope had recently given scientists the rare opportunity to observe a pair of galaxies mating. “We almost never get to study the courtship ritual up close like this, but here you can clearly see one galaxy firmly grasping another and pulling it in close with its spiral arms,” said astronomer Grace Yoder, who gave a presentation at the Space Telescope Science Institute in which she displayed high-resolution images of two galaxies grinding their globular clusters hard against each other. “Note the growing size of the first partner’s galactic bulge as it begins to approach the second partner’s supermassive black hole. Their subsequent collision results from what may be the most powerful magnetic force in the universe, and it won’t let up until both galaxies have experienced complete gravitational collapse. Sadly, the Hubble is not equipment with the instruments required to measure just how hot it gets when this happens.” At press time, reports confirmed NASA scientists were horrified upon realizing the act of mating ended with one galaxy completely devouring the other.


theonion--2020-10-14--Finland Ended Homelessness: Why Trying To Show Us Up Like That Comes Off As Insecure

Because , like , we could totally end it tomorrow if we also wanted to be a bunch of tryhard @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Because, like, we could totally end it tomorrow if we also wanted to be a bunch of tryhard suck-ups like Finland.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-14--Covid-19 Fears Causing Americans To Stockpile Again

A recent poll finds that roughly half of Americans are preparing to stockpile groceries and other essentials like toilet paper @ @ @ @ @ that cold weather will bring a new surge of coronavirus cases .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ m willing to buy as many boxes of fusilli as it takes to defeat this @ @ @ @ @ I can ’ t believe the coronavirus is already back .
”

A recent poll finds that roughly half of Americans are preparing to stockpile groceries and other essentials like toilet paper this fall due to fears that cold weather will bring a new surge of coronavirus cases. What do you think?
“Oh good, I missed o ut on panic-buying in March.” Wes Rafferty • Unemployed
“I’m willing to buy as many boxes of fusilli as it takes to defeat this virus.” Louise Pendleton • Religious Icon Painter
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theonion--2020-10-14--U.S. Joins 7 Other Countries In Signing Artemis Accord For Moon Exploration

NASA announced that the United States along with seven other nations have signed the Artemis Accords , an international agreement @ @ @ @ @ promote scientific cooperation , though China and Russia are not involved .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ de cline to sign better be prepared to fight the moon alone if it ever @ @ @ @ @ did we even bother planting a flag on the moon if we ’ re not @ @ @ @ @ off our turf ?
” “ So Europa is still up for grabs ?
”

NASA announced that the United States along with seven other nations have signed the Artemis Accords, an international agreement to standardize lunar exploration and promote scientific cooperation, though China and Russia are not involved. What do you think?
“Countries that decline to sign better be prepared to fight the moon alone if it ever attacks them.” Ross Kniest • Systems Analyst
“Why did we even bother planting a flag on the moon if we’re not going to keep other countries off our turf?” Adam Kosman • Lawn Expert
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theonion--2020-10-14--Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids

RIDGEWOOD , NJ—Speculating on the implications of President Donald Trump leaving the White House in January , local liberal Corey Johnston , 34 , told reporters Wednesday he was worried a Joe Biden victory would immediately reignite discussions with his spouse about having kids .
“ Of course I want Biden to win—I ’ m just concerned that once it isn ’ t totally unconscionable to bring children into this world , Jen will want to talk again about starting a family , ” said Johnston , explaining that as soon as the nation was no longer subject to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was indifferent to human life , the option to conceive a new life might be brought up frequently by his partner .
“ Man , the conversation was really put to bed four years ago , but lately I ’ ve been looking at the polls and getting nervous .
If Biden is elected , then avoiding eye contact and saying ‘ Yeah , I just feel like it doesn ’ t make sense with the way things are right now ’ isn ’ t going to cut it anymore .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ might have no choice but to bring up Biden ’ s lackluster climate plan and how any child born this century would endure a series of devastating catastrophes unlike anything previously experienced in human history .

RIDGEWOOD, NJ—Speculating on the implications of President Donald Trump leaving the White House in January, local liberal Corey Johnston, 34, told reporters Wednesday he was worried a Joe Biden victory would immediately reignite discussions with his spouse about having kids. “Of course I want Biden to win—I’m just concerned that once it isn’t totally unconscionable to bring children into this world, Jen will want to talk again about starting a family,” said Johnston, explaining that as soon as the nation was no longer subject to the whims of an openly authoritarian bigot who was indifferent to human life, the option to conceive a new life might be brought up frequently by his partner. “Man, the conversation was really put to bed four years ago, but lately I’ve been looking at the polls and getting nervous. If Biden is elected, then avoiding eye contact and saying ‘Yeah, I just feel like it doesn’t make sense with the way things are right now’ isn’t going to cut it anymore. It’s terrifying.” Johnston added that he might have no choice but to bring up Biden’s lackluster climate plan and how any child born this century would endure a series of devastating catastrophes unlike anything previously experienced in human history.


theonion--2020-10-14--‘Thank God I Voted Absentee In Whatever Dumb Ohio Town I’m From,’ Say Brooklyn Residents

BROOKLYN—Stressing how happy they were to make a difference back home in Sparta or wherever , Brooklyn residents told reporters Wednesday that they genuinely felt great about voting absentee in “ whatever dumb Ohio town ” they hailed from .
“ Yeah , I ’ m really glad I sent in my ballot to whichever P odunk Rust-B elt town I grew up in before I moved here for that publishing job , ” said 27-year-old Brandon Hill , echoing the sentiment of thousands of fellow Brooklynites who were either from Grafton or Granville or maybe Gallipolis in noting their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was counted alongside the hayseeds and townies they grew up with .
“ There were definitely lots of corn fields or potatoes where I grew up ... .
or maybe soybeans ?
Honestly , who the hell knows ?
There were definitely some fields .
Either way , it ’ s great to feel like I can make my voice heard somewhere between Appalachia and the Rocky Mountains .
Really great.
” At press time , Brooklyn residents went on to emphasize that they had “ no clue ” on who to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whatever-the-fuck and just winged it .

BROOKLYN—Stressing how happy they were to make a difference back home in Sparta or wherever, Brooklyn residents told reporters Wednesday that they genuinely felt great about voting absentee in “whatever dumb Ohio town” they hailed from. “Yeah, I’m really glad I sent in my ballot to whichever Podunk Rust-Belt town I grew up in before I moved here for that publishing job,” said 27-year-old Brandon Hill, echoing the sentiment of thousands of fellow Brooklynites who were either from Grafton or Granville or maybe Gallipolis in noting their vote would matter so much more when it was counted alongside the hayseeds and townies they grew up with. “There were definitely lots of corn fields or potatoes where I grew up....or maybe soybeans? Honestly, who the hell knows? There were definitely some fields. Either way, it’s great to feel like I can make my voice heard somewhere between Appalachia and the Rocky Mountains. Really great.” At press time, Brooklyn residents went on to emphasize that they had “no clue” on who to vote for as county creek examiner or whatever-the-fuck and just winged it.


theonion--2020-10-14--Report: Majority Of Astronauts Feel Deep Sense Of Hatred, Disgust Towards Humanity Upon Viewing Eart

Report: Majority Of Astronauts Feel Deep Sense Of Hatred, Disgust Towards Humanity Upon Viewing Earth From Orbit

ALBUQUERQUE , NM—A report released Wednesday by the University of New Mexico ’ s p sychology d epartment revealed that the majority of astronauts feel a deep sense of hatred and disgust towards humanity upon viewing Earth from orbit .
“ Our findings indicated that when looking down at Earth , nine in 10 astronauts reported experiencing an all-consuming revulsion towards their entire species , ” read the report in part , adding that nearly all the astronauts surveyed for the study confirmed they were awestruck by how horrifying and vile mankind was as they gazed down at their home @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of their nationality or religious beliefs , the lion ’ s share of astronauts disclosed to researchers that observing Earth from their ships led them to conclude that we are all fundamentally similar rotten pieces of shit who inhabit the same pathetic pale blue dot .
We found it notable that almost immediately upon exiting the atmosphere , astronauts experienced an acute awareness that humankind is a writhing mass of maggots , meaningless and purposeless in the ocean of nothingness that is the universe.
” The report also found that the feelings of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ these astronauts began to wish they could remain in orbit and never ret urn home .

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—A report released Wednesday by the University of New Mexico’s p sychology d epartment revealed that the majority of astronauts feel a deep sense of hatred and disgust towards humanity upon viewing Earth from orbit. “Our findings indicated that when looking down at Earth, nine in 10 astronauts reported experiencing an all-consuming revulsion towards their entire species,” read the report in part, adding that nearly all the astronauts surveyed for the study confirmed they were awestruck by how horrifying and vile mankind was as they gazed down at their home planet during space flight. “Regardless of their nationality or religious beliefs, the lion’s share of astronauts disclosed to researchers that observing Earth from their ships led them to conclude that we are all fundamentally similar rotten pieces of shit who inhabit the same pathetic pale blue dot. We found it notable that almost immediately upon exiting the atmosphere, astronauts experienced an acute awareness that humankind is a writhing mass of maggots, meaningless and purposeless in the ocean of nothingness that is the universe.” The report also found that the feelings of repugnance were so powerful that many of these astronauts began to wish they could remain in orbit and never ret urn home.


theonion--2020-10-14--2020 Election: Key House Races To Watch

2020 Election: Key House Races To Watch

All 435 House of Representative seats are up in the 2020 election , as the Democrats try to retain the majority over the Republicans they won in the 2018 midterms .
The Onion takes a look at the key 2020 House races to watch .
If the representatives of the nation ’ s landed gentry are more your speed , check out the 2020 Senate races to watch here .
Candace Valenzuela vs. Beth Van Duyne ( Texas ’ 24th District ) : This historic race will either give us the first Afro-Latina member of Congress or the first member @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ben McAdams vs. Burgess Owens ( Utah ’ s Fourth District ) : As a former player for the New York Jets , Owens already has lots of experience accepting humiliating defeats .
Gina Ortiz Jones vs. Tony Gonzales ( Texas ’ 23rd District ) : Jones ’ victory could cement a clear majority of pundits wildly speculating that Texas is on its on way to becoming a blue state .
Dan Crenshaw vs. Sima Ladjevardian ( Texas ’ Second District ) : Iranian-born Ladjevardian ’ s c hances could hinge on catching @ @ @ @ @ @ @ definitely saying about her privately .
Scott DesJarlais vs. Christopher Hale ( Tennessee ’ s Fourth District ) : Voters stressed out by close toss-up races can watch this one if they ’ d like to see the candidate everyone expects to win end up winning .
Jackie Gordon vs. Andrew Garbarino ( New York ’ s Second District ) : Democrat Gordon is leading the race , but Garbarino hopes lying about Gordon ’ s desire to defund the police will resonate with the easily manipulated people he ’ s looking to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( Illinois ’ 16th District ) : Kinzinger touts his time in the Air Force , but did we ever really see him bomb anyone ?
Anna Eshoo vs. Rishi Kumar ( California ’ s 18th District ) : With only Democrats running , it remains to be seen how they ’ ll still manage to lose .
Entrenched Career Politician vs .
Wide-Eyed Newcomer ( Your District ) : They ’ re gon na change the system from the inside !

All 435 House of Representative seats are up in the 2020 election, as the Democrats try to retain the majority over the Republicans they won in the 2018 midterms. The Onion takes a look at the key 2020 House races to watch. If the representatives of the nation’s landed gentry are more your speed, check out the 2020 Senate races to watch here.
Candace Valenzuela vs. Beth Van Duyne (Texas’ 24th District): This historic race will either give us the first Afro-Latina member of Congress or the first member of Congress named Beth Van Duyne.
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Ben McAdams vs. Burgess Owens (Utah’s Fourth District): As a former player for the New York Jets, Owens already has lots of experience accepting humiliating defeats.
Gina Ortiz Jones vs. Tony Gonzales (Texas’ 23rd District): Jones’ victory could cement a clear majority of pundits wildly speculating that Texas is on its on way to becoming a blue state.
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Dan Crenshaw vs. Sima Ladjevardian (Texas’ Second District): Iranian-born Ladjevardian’s chances could hinge on catching Crenshaw saying publicly what he’s definitely saying about her privately.
Scott DesJarlais vs. Christopher Hale (Tennessee’s Fourth District): Voters stressed out by close toss-up races can watch this one if they’d like to see the candidate everyone expects to win end up winning.
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Jackie Gordon vs. Andrew Garbarino (New York’s Second District): Democrat Gordon is leading the race, but Garbarino hopes lying about Gordon’s desire to defund the police will resonate with the easily manipulated people he’s looking to represent.
Adam Kinzinger vs. Dani Brzozowski (Illinois’16th District): Kinzinger touts his time in the Air Force, but did we ever really see him bomb anyone?
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Anna Eshoo vs. Rishi Kumar (California’s 18th District): With only Democrats running, it remains to be seen how they’ll still manage to lose.
Entrenched Career Politician vs. Wide-Eyed Newcomer (Your District): They’re gonna change the system from the inside!


theonion--2020-10-14--Gamers, We Need To Come Clean: ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Just A Lie We Made Up To Make You Like Us That Go

Gamers, We Need To Come Clean: ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Is Just A Lie We Made Up To Make You Like Us That Got Way Out Of Hand

Hey , gamers !
We know there ’ s one game left in this generation that ’ s been getting you more pumped than anything else .
In fact , this open-world RPG from CD Projekt Red is probably one of the things that has kept you going through this tough year .
But we need to just come clean and get this off our backs : Cyberpunk 2077 is not a real game .
It was just something we made up to sound cool and interesting in front of you so you would like us and now that lie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Now , we ’ re sure your mad .
We know you were counting down the days until you could explore a fully realized Night City as part of the ultra-customizable gameplay you ’ ve been seeing in hands-on videos for months .
But it ’ s a lie .
It ’ s all a goddamn lie and we ’ re sorry .
We just really like when you hang out on the site , and we wanted you to stick around .
That ’ s why we made it up way back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ play along .
This started as a dumb little fib about something we thought you would like and now it ’ s become this huge weight on our chest , getting heavier and heavier every day .
We just couldn ’ t keep it down anymore without having a panic attack .
We know what you are thinking .
The screenshots ?
The previews ?
Our art department created it all .
We thought we could keep up the charade for a year or two more with a trickle of delays and impressions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ system , all of it .
But in the back of our heads , we always knew that one day , you would expect this game to come out and we would be caught .
Some of this is on you .
Why do you think it ’ s been delayed so many times ?
We flirted with the idea of canceling it all together , saying CD Projekt Red had gone bankrupt or something .
But then we would have never been free from the manacles of this lie .
We were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are so many video game sites out there and we ’ ve always kind of felt like outcasts .
Talking about Cyberpunk was the first time we ever really felt like we were part of something , like you actually wanted to hear what we had to say .
In a way we wanted it to be real—the customizable weapons and slow-motion combat sequences .
It all sounded so cool and we didn ’ t want to let you down .
Please don ’ t blame us .
After all , our intentions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you , even if we only ended up hurting you .
To be fair you probably should have figured it out years ago .
The idea of a sci-fi shooter from the makers of The Witcher series was always a bit of a wish fulfillment fantasy wasn ’ t it ?
Obviously , we ’ re not trying to absolve ourselves of this .
But we kind of assumed you would catch on when we claimed Keanu Reeves was going to be in the game .
That doesn ’ t make any sense @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a second .
But we just blurted it out a few months ago , and then all it took was hiring him for a few press appearances and we were in the clear again .
At least , until now .
So , listen , what we are trying to say is : We ’ re very sorry .
This video game is never going to come out .
It doesn ’ t ev en exist .
Of course , we understand if you never trust us again to deliver honest coverage of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , getting this all out there makes us feel like we can finally breathe again without hating ourselves .
We ’ re sure you ’ ll need some time to process this , and we could use a little time to ourselves to figure out why we ’ re like this .
Unfortunately , we also aren ’ t able to refund any of your pre-orders .
That money is already spent .

Hey, gamers! We know there’s one game left in this generation that’s been getting you more pumped than anything else. In fact, this open-world RPG from CD Projekt Red is probably one of the things that has kept you going through this tough year. But we need to just come clean and get this off our backs: Cyberpunk 2077 is not a real game. It was just something we made up to sound cool and interesting in front of you so you would like us and now that lie is spinning completely out of control.
Please don’t hate us.
Now, we’re sure your mad. We know you were counting down the days until you could explore a fully realized Night City as part of the ultra-customizable gameplay you’ve been seeing in hands-on videos for months. But it’s a lie. It’s all a goddamn lie and we’re sorry. We just really like when you hang out on the site, and we wanted you to stick around. That’s why we made it up way back in 2012 and got the developer to play along.
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This started as a dumb little fib about something we thought you would like and now it’s become this huge weight on our chest, getting heavier and heavier every day. We just couldn’t keep it down anymore without having a panic attack.
We know what you are thinking. The screenshots? The previews? Our art department created it all. We thought we could keep up the charade for a year or two more with a trickle of delays and impressions about the gangs, the dynamic police system, all of it. But in the back of our heads, we always knew that one day, you would expect this game to come out and we would be caught.
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Some of this is on you. Why do you think it’s been delayed so many times? We flirted with the idea of canceling it all together, saying CD Projekt Red had gone bankrupt or something. But then we would have never been free from the manacles of this lie.
We were just insecure, you know? There are so many video game sites out there and we’ve always kind of felt like outcasts. Talking about Cyberpunk was the first time we ever really felt like we were part of something, like you actually wanted to hear what we had to say. In a way we wanted it to be real—the customizable weapons and slow-motion combat sequences. It all sounded so cool and we didn’t want to let you down. Please don’t blame us. After all, our intentions were good.
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We did this for you, even if we only ended up hurting you.
To be fair you probably should have figured it out years ago. The idea of a sci-fi shooter from the makers of The Witcher series was always a bit of a wish fulfillment fantasy wasn’t it? Obviously, we’re not trying to absolve ourselves of this. But we kind of assumed you would catch on when we claimed Keanu Reeves was going to be in the game. That doesn’t make any sense if you just think about it for a second. But we just blurted it out a few months ago, and then all it took was hiring him for a few press appearances and we were in the clear again.
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At least, until now.
So, listen, what we are trying to say is: We’re very sorry. This video game is never going to come out. It doesn’t ev en exist. Of course, we understand if you never trust us again to deliver honest coverage of the industry. On the plus side, getting this all out there makes us feel like we can finally breathe again without hating ourselves. We’re sure you’ll need some time to process this, and we could use a little time to ourselves to figure out why we’re like this.
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Unfortunately, we also aren’t able to refund any of your pre-orders. That money is already spent.


theonion--2020-10-14--Mom’s Latest Halloween Decoration Just Rustic Wooden Sign That Says ‘Bones’

SUDSBURY , MA—Stressing the festive item lacked any discernible frightening imagery or spooky embellishment , family sources confirmed Wednesday that @ @ @ @ @ s latest Halloween decoration was just a rustic wooden sign that says “ b ones.
@ @ @ @ @ was expecting maybe a scary font or some cobwebs or skeletons in the corner , @ @ @ @ @ , ’ huh ?
Alright , ” said 17-year-old son Peter Mathieu , who noted @ @ @ @ @ the family had purchased a color-changing light-up skull before admitting that the unembellished sign participated @ @ @ @ @ a hand-stitched pillow solely featuring the word “ s pooky.
” “ Look , I @ @ @ @ @ get too down on Mom .
She has a corn stalk bundle on the front @ @ @ @ @ that ’ s at least fall themed , but not exactly spine-tingling.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ relieved after discovering dozens of festering corpses left by their mother in the basement .

SUDSBURY, MA—Stressing the festive item lacked any discernible frightening imagery or spooky embellishment, family sources confirmed Wednesday that 52-year-old mom Diane Mathieu’s latest Halloween decoration was just a rustic wooden sign that says “b ones.” “Yeah, I was expecting maybe a scary font or some cobwebs or skeletons in the corner, but just ‘b ones,’ huh? Alright,” said 17-year-old son Peter Mathieu, who noted that in a previous year the family had purchased a color-changing light-up skull before admitting that the unembellished sign participated in a tradition that included a hand-stitched pillow solely featuring the word “s pooky.” “Look, I’m not trying to get too down on Mom. She has a corn stalk bundle on the front porch, so I guess that’s at least fall themed, but not exactly spine-tingling.” At press time, family members were relieved after discovering dozens of festering corpses left by their mother in the basement.


theonion--2020-10-15--Scientists Discover Dangerous Link Between Book Learnin’, Back Talk

Hear why increased exposure to highfalutin books in fancy-type settings could cause you to get a little too big for @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Hear why increased exposure to highfalutin books in fancy-type settings could cause you to get a little too big for your own britches.
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You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-15--Stranded Tourist Given Special Permission To Visit Closed Machu Picchu

Peru ’ s Ministry of Culture granted Jesse Katayama , a tourist from Japan who has been stranded in the @ @ @ @ @ permission to visit Machu Picchu this weekend before he returns home , making him the @ @ @ @ @ Heritage site in seven months .
What do you think ?
“ Makes you won @ @ @ @ @ gotten if he had held out a few more mon ths .
”

Peru’s Ministry of Culture granted Jesse Katayama, a tourist from Japan who has been stranded in the country since March, special permission to visit Machu Picchu this weekend before he returns home, making him the only visitor to the World Heritage site in seven months. What do you think?
“Makes you won der what he could have gotten if he had held out a few more mon ths.” Nadine Clark • Pocket Knife Sharpener
“I’ve heard visiting Machu Picchu isn’t worth it in October.” Steven Fong • Marina Guide
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theonion--2020-10-15--Atlanta Braves Manager Reminds Team October Is Where Other Teams’ Legacies Are Made

ARLINGTON , TX—Urging his team not to grow complacent after jumping out to a 2-1 lead in the National League @ @ @ @ @ manager Brian Snitker reminded his team Thursday that October is where other teams ’ legacies @ @ @ @ @ isn ’ t July , guys— this is the time when the Atlanta Braves rise @ @ @ @ @ a series lead , and become a footnote in someone else ’ s story , @ @ @ @ @ the team to remember the names of so many legendary teams and players that beat @ @ @ @ @ “ The temperature ’ s dropped and the ball games really count for most other @ @ @ @ @ the Yankees , the Cardinals , and the Dodgers show people who they really are @ @ @ @ @ now , and you guys are gon na be standing off to the side watching @ @ @ @ @ time , Snitker signaled out Freddie Freeman as a player who could use this playoff @ @ @ @ @ , half-hearted Hall Of Fame case .

ARLINGTON, TX—Urging his team not to grow complacent after jumping out to a 2-1 lead in the National League Championship Series, Atlanta Braves manager Brian Snitker reminded his team Thursday that October is where other teams’ legacies are made. “This isn’t July, guys— this is the time when the Atlanta Braves rise to the occasion, blow a series lead, and become a footnote in someone else’s story,” said Snitker, exhorting the team to remember the names of so many legendary teams and players that beat the Braves in October. “The temperature’s dropped and the ball games really count for most other franchises. October is when the Yankees, the Cardinals, and the Dodgers show people who they really are. Legends are born right now, and you guys are gonna be standing off to the side watching it happen.” At press time, Snitker signaled out Freddie Freeman as a player who could use this playoff run to bolster his begrudging, half-hearted Hall Of Fame case.


theonion--2020-10-15--Study Finds 87% Of Chinese Takeout Eaten By Team Of Prosecutors Embroiled In Late-Night Investigatio

Study Finds 87% Of Chinese Takeout Eaten By Team Of Prosecutors Embroiled In Late-Night Investigation

NEW YORK—Shedding light on the consumption habits of attorneys , a study released Thursday by Columbia University found that 87 % of Chinese takeout was eaten by teams of prosecutors embroiled in late-night investigations .
“ Our findings indicated that of all the cheap cartons of lo mein , fried rice , and General Tso ’ s chicken consumed annually , almost nine in 10 are eaten by lawyers awake in the wee hours of the morning trying to find hard evidence to convict a perp , ” said head researcher Amanda Leamon , explaining that 30 % of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back into their container after a prosecutor with a loosened tie and rolled-up sleeves realized they ’ ve just made a huge break in the case .
“ Across the board , our data revealed that the chopsticks provided in the to-go bags were almost universally used to jab the air as the lawyers commented on how they needed to follow the money after hitting a roadblock .
These servings of kung pao chicken and egg rolls seemed to be eaten primarily as fuel for teams of high-powered attorneys running on only four @ @ @ @ @ @ @ invested in the case , often before gasping when a pile of papers fell off the table to reveal the evidence that they had been searching for all along.
” The study also found that the other 13 % of Chinese takeout was eaten by the overweight child molesters the prosecutors were investigating .

NEW YORK—Shedding light on the consumption habits of attorneys, a study released Thursday by Columbia University found that 87% of Chinese takeout was eaten by teams of prosecutors embroiled in late-night investigations. “Our findings indicated that of all the cheap cartons of lo mein, fried rice, and General Tso’s chicken consumed annually, almost nine in 10 are eaten by lawyers awake in the wee hours of the morning trying to find hard evidence to convict a perp,” said head researcher Amanda Leamon, explaining that 30% of the wontons ordered for delivery were suddenly dropped back into their container after a prosecutor with a loosened tie and rolled-up sleeves realized they’ve just made a huge break in the case. “Across the board, our data revealed that the chopsticks provided in the to-go bags were almost universally used to jab the air as the lawyers commented on how they needed to follow the money after hitting a roadblock. These servings of kung pao chicken and egg rolls seemed to be eaten primarily as fuel for teams of high-powered attorneys running on only four hours of sleep as they became deeply invested in the case, often before gasping when a pile of papers fell off the table to reveal the evidence that they had been searching for all along.” The study also found that the other 13% of Chinese takeout was eaten by the overweight child molesters the prosecutors were investigating.


theonion--2020-10-15--WWII Bomb Explodes During Disposal Operation

Polish authorities say a recently discovered 12,000-pound “ earthquake ” bomb dropped during World War II was accidentally detonated during @ @ @ @ @ on Wednesday , sending up a large plume of water but otherwise causing no injuries @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ It ’ s got to be emb arrassing for a bomb @ @ @ @ @ explode and still end up not killing anyone.
” “ Well , bombs are usually @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Polish authorities say a recently discovered 12,000-pound “earthquake” bomb dropped during World War II was accidentally detonated during an attempt to diffuse it on Wednesday, sending up a large plume of water but otherwise causing no injuries or damage. What do you think?
“It’s got to be emb arrassing for a bomb to wait that long to explode and still end up not killing anyone.” Hannah Degnan • Couch Refurbisher
“Well, bombs are usually harmless unless they feel threatened.” Rob Bunting • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-10-15--Bill Belichick Locks Covid-Exposed Players In Room With Broken Glass Bottle, Single Dose Of Antibody

Bill Belichick Locks Covid-Exposed Players In Room With Broken Glass Bottle, Single Dose Of Antibody Cocktail

FOXBOROUGH , MA—Stressing that the Patriots are always a meritocracy , New England coach Bill Belichick locked his players who @ @ @ @ @ in an empty room Thursday after tossing down a broken glass bottle and single dose @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Now I know you all want to remain on the team , so @ @ @ @ @ to find out who has the drive and desire to be a Patriot , ” @ @ @ @ @ the shattered glass on the ground in front of the naked , shivering players who @ @ @ @ @ Gillette Stadium storage room all night .
“ This is a completely open competition .
@ @ @ @ @ if you are a rookie or a ten-time Pro Bowler , if you want a @ @ @ @ @ you have to earn it .
I ’ ll be back in an hour to @ @ @ @ @ is.
” At press time , Belichick had placed a hacksaw next to Cam Newton @ @ @ @ @ radiator across the room from his medicine .

FOXBOROUGH, MA—Stressing that the Patriots are always a meritocracy, New England coach Bill Belichick locked his players who had been exposed to Covid-19 in an empty room Thursday after tossing down a broken glass bottle and single dose of antibodies at their feet. “Now I know you all want to remain on the team, so I guess we just need to find out who has the drive and desire to be a Patriot,” said Belichick, who placed the shattered glass on the ground in front of the naked, shivering players who had been locked in the Gillette Stadium storage room all night. “This is a completely open competition. I don’t care if you are a rookie or a ten-time Pro Bowler, if you want a Covid treatment on my team you have to earn it. I’ll be back in an hour to see who my new starter is.” At press time, Belichick had placed a hacksaw next to Cam Newton after chaining him to a radiator across the room from his medicine.


theonion--2020-10-16--Dunkin’ Releases Ghost Pepper Donut For Halloween

Coffee and donut chain Dunkin ’ has unveiled a spicy strawberry , cayenne , and ghost pepper donut for Halloween @ @ @ @ @ December .
What do you think ?
“ Ugh , this is such an obvious @ @ @ @ @ ’ s finally realizing that Americans want a donut that hurts going down.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ , they have to let me use their bathroom then , right ?
”

Coffee and donut chain Dunkin’ has unveiled a spicy strawberry, cayenne, and ghost pepper donut for Halloween that will be sold through December. What do you think?
“Ugh, this is such an obvious promotional stunt.” Fiona Lind, Vegetable Blancher
“Dunkin’s finally realizing that Americans want a donut that hurts going down.” Kevin Skerry, Brand Ambassador
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theonion--2020-10-16--Federal Authorities Investigating Second Jetpack Sighting Over Los Angeles

For the second time in six weeks , commercial airline pilots have reported seeing a person in a jetpack flying @ @ @ @ @ at altitudes reaching 6,000 feet , prompting investigations by both the FBI and the Federal @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ Oh , the FAA never lets anyone have any fun in @ @ @ @ @ international airport.
” “ I ’ m sure whoever it is has a perfectly badass @ @ @ @ @ say , but if they ’ ve been up there for six weeks , they @ @ @ @ @ ”

For the second time in six weeks, commercial airline pilots have reported seeing a person in a jetpack flying near Los Angeles International Airport at altitudes reaching 6,000 feet, prompting investigations by both the FBI and the Federal Aviation Administration. What do you think?
“Oh, the FAA never lets anyone have any fun in the airspace around a major international airport.” Tim Wakefield • Systems Analyst
“I’m sure whoever it is has a perfectly badass explanation.” Benji Douglas • Budget Hotelier
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theonion--2020-10-16--Study Finds Giving CBD To Pet Fails To Address Root Issue Of Letting Crazed Monster Live In Your Hom

Study Finds Giving CBD To Pet Fails To Address Root Issue Of Letting Crazed Monster Live In Your Home

ATHENS , OH—Puncturing the image of CBD as something of a miracle cure for animal owners , researchers at Ohio University published a study Friday suggesting that giving cannabidiol to pets fails to address the root issue of letting a crazed monster live inside your home .
“ While our studies show that cats and dogs exhibit some calming reactions from ingesting the cannabis derivative , we have no evidence that it has any bearing on the underlying cause of allowing a psychotic fanged beast to rampage through your place of residence , ” said lead researcher Heidi Barba , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ slight difference between the cannabinoid and a placebo at mitigating the effects of residing with an unpredictable , depraved hellion .
“ Despite its prevalence in recent months , CBD has a similar rate of efficacy to home remedies such as massage or music therapy at reversing millions of years of evolution that led to a savage creature fundamentally at odds with domestic existence.
” Barba added that her team ’ s research indicated that the best treatment for pets ’ behavioral issues remained having owners completely shun society and going off to @ @ @ @ @ @

ATHENS, OH—Puncturing the image of CBD as something of a miracle cure for animal owners, researchers at Ohio University published a study Friday suggesting that giving cannabidiol to pets fails to address the root issue of letting a crazed monster live inside your home. “While our studies show that cats and dogs exhibit some calming reactions from ingesting the cannabis derivative, we have no evidence that it has any bearing on the underlying cause of allowing a psychotic fanged beast to rampage through your place of residence,” said lead researcher Heidi Barba, noting that clinical trials suggested only a slight difference between the cannabinoid and a placebo at mitigating the effects of residing with an unpredictable, depraved hellion. “Despite its prevalence in recent months, CBD has a similar rate of efficacy to home remedies such as massage or music therapy at reversing millions of years of evolution that led to a savage creature fundamentally at odds with domestic existence.” Barba added that her team’s research indicated that the best treatment for pets’ behavioral issues remained having owners completely shun society and going off to live in a remote cave.


theonion--2020-10-16--Man Has Come Too Far To Turn Back For Grocery Basket

FALCON , CO—Rueing his earlier hubris but knowing that the only course he had left was to press forward to the next aisle of the supermarket , local man Tim McClendon told reporters Friday that he had come too far to turn back for a grocery basket now .
“ I ’ ve reached the point of no return , so I must press onward , my arms overladen with butter and yams , ” said McClendon , adding that he recognized the futility of even trying to retrace the steps through the pasta and bread aisles all the way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ baskets were .
“ This is my fate .
I am destined to wander the frozen food aisle trying to balance two cans of diced tomatoes and bunch of bananas on a six-pack of seltzer in one hand , to dangle a three-pound sack of potatoes from a single pinky finger going numb , to curse myself after realizing I have no idea how I ’ ll ever carry these chicken breasts , the main thing I came here for .
Why , oh why did I think I could forgo a basket @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be unreasonable to carry all of the items I ’ m now doomed to balance precariously in nothing but my own two hands ?
How could I have fooled myself into thinking that I was only here for a few things , to ignore what I know about sizes and weight , to forget my own weakness for grabbing chips and then salsa despite knowing that I can not carry them without risking catastrophe , to turn up my nose at this establishment ’ s humble offer of a basket ?
Yet I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back , and I must let the past remain in the past .
Only fate will tell if this glass jar of expensive organic jam can remain lodged in the crook of my elbow for the rest of my journey.
” At press time , McClendon was cursing himself for his lack of foresight after declining the checkout cashier ’ s offer of plastic bags to carry his items out of the store .

FALCON, CO—Rueing his earlier hubris but knowing that the only course he had left was to press forward to the next aisle of the supermarket, local man Tim McClendon told reporters Friday that he had come too far to turn back for a grocery basket now. “I’ve reached the point of no return, so I must press onward, my arms overladen with butter and yams,” said McClendon, adding that he recognized the futility of even trying to retrace the steps through the pasta and bread aisles all the way back to the produce section where the baskets were. “This is my fate. I am destined to wander the frozen food aisle trying to balance two cans of diced tomatoes and bunch of bananas on a six-pack of seltzer in one hand, to dangle a three-pound sack of potatoes from a single pinky finger going numb, to curse myself after realizing I have no idea how I’ll ever carry these chicken breasts, the main thing I came here for. Why, oh why did I think I could forgo a basket when even an entire cart would not be unreasonable to carry all of the items I’m now doomed to balance precariously in nothing but my own two hands? How could I have fooled myself into thinking that I was only here for a few things, to ignore what I know about sizes and weight, to forget my own weakness for grabbing chips and then salsa despite knowing that I cannot carry them without risking catastrophe, to turn up my nose at this establishment’s humble offer of a basket? Yet I have come too far to ever turn back, and I must let the past remain in the past. Only fate will tell if this glass jar of expensive organic jam can remain lodged in the crook of my elbow for the rest of my journey.” At press time, McClendon was cursing himself for his lack of foresight after declining the checkout cashier’s offer of plastic bags to carry his items out of the store.


theonion--2020-10-16--Scientists Warn Florida Will Be Under 6 Feet Of Snakes By 2021

MIAMI—Urging drastic action to mitigate the effects of the imminent herpetological disaster , scientists at the University of Miami warned @ @ @ @ @ completely submerged by snakes as early as 2021 .
“ Our projections show that the @ @ @ @ @ 70 to 80 inches of pythons and copperheads as early as this time next year @ @ @ @ @ Desmond Shankir , painting a dire picture of a near future in which all but @ @ @ @ @ Florida would be subsumed by a writhing mass of hissing and slithering .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ levels have continued to rise over the past decades , and when compounded with the @ @ @ @ @ and the sheer mass of shed skins , we could see millions of snake-related refugees @ @ @ @ @ ” Shankir urged Americans to do their part to stem the tide by turning off @ @ @ @ @ a bunch of snakes .

MIAMI—Urging drastic action to mitigate the effects of the imminent herpetological disaster, scientists at the University of Miami warned Friday that Florida could be completely submerged by snakes as early as 2021. “Our projections show that the Sunshine State will be beneath 70 to 80 inches of pythons and copperheads as early as this time next year,” said lead researcher Desmond Shankir, painting a dire picture of a near future in which all but the most elevated points in Florida would be subsumed by a writhing mass of hissing and slithering. “We’ve seen that serpent levels have continued to rise over the past decades, and when compounded with the health issues associated with venom and the sheer mass of shed skins, we could see millions of snake-related refugees flooding into Georgia and Alabama.” Shankir urged Americans to do their part to stem the tide by turning off their electronics to go kill a bunch of snakes.