theonion--2020-10-05--Report: Someone’s Got A Big Birthday Coming Up

PHOENIX—In an effusive acknowledgement that a particular person would soon be reaching the annual milestone , a report issued Monday suggested someone around here has a very big birthday coming up .
“ While we won ’ t say who , rumor has it a certain somebody ’ s special day will be arriving before you know it , ” the report stated in part , stressing that the source of this information was every bit as excited as the birthday boy or girl about the upcoming festivities , and possibly even more so .
“ A little bird told @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a year older , and plans are being made to ensure they celebrate the big day in style !
Apparently , there ’ s going to be quite a party , and we ’ ll need them to blow out the candles on a yummy cake and open up some pretty cool presents .
For now , though , we just want them to know how glad we are that they were born.
” The report went on to say that because the year had been a little tough financially , the guest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ big bash with their sister , who also has a birthday this month .

PHOENIX—In an effusive acknowledgement that a particular person would soon be reaching the annual milestone, a report issued Monday suggested someone around here has a very big birthday coming up. “While we won’t say who, rumor has it a certain somebody’s special day will be arriving before you know it,” the report stated in part, stressing that the source of this information was every bit as excited as the birthday boy or girl about the upcoming festivities, and possibly even more so. “A little bird told us this person is about to turn a year older, and plans are being made to ensure they celebrate the big day in style! Apparently, there’s going to be quite a party, and we’ll need them to blow out the candles on a yummy cake and open up some pretty cool presents. For now, though, we just want them to know how glad we are that they were born.” The report went on to say that because the year had been a little tough financially, the guest of honor would need to share the big bash with their sister, who also has a birthday this month.


theonion--2020-10-05--Nike CEO Steps Down In Disgrace After Footage Emerges Of A Guy Running Really Slow While Wearing The

Nike CEO Steps Down In Disgrace After Footage Emerges Of A Guy Running Really Slow While Wearing Their Sneakers

BEAVERTON , OR—Taking full responsibility for the devastating failure , Nike CEO John Donahoe resigned under a cloud of scandal Monday after footage surfaced in which a guy was seen running really slow in a pair of the sportswear giant ’ s sneakers .
“ While we are still analyzing the series of catastrophic mistakes that led to a Nike patron ’ s underperformance in a physical fitness activity , I am the CEO , and this is totally on me , ” said Donahoe , adding that the company ’ s values were not reflected in the 20-second clip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which shows an awkward , out-of-shape man barely jogging for half a block while wearing the company ’ s Air Zoom Pegasus 36 running shoes .
“ Please know I am deeply sorry for the humiliating lack of athleticism on display in this video .
No one in Nike gear should ever be breathing heavily and running all hunched over with their arms on their hips like that—never mind the bumbling , lethargic pace .
This is not what Nike is about , and I have submitted my resignation.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ entire board of directors had also resigned after new footage surfaced in which a guy misses a bunch of easy grounders while wearing one of the company ’ s baseball gloves .

BEAVERTON, OR—Taking full responsibility for the devastating failure, Nike CEO John Donahoe resigned under a cloud of scandal Monday after footage surfaced in which a guy was seen running really slow in a pair of the sportswear giant’s sneakers. “While we are still analyzing the series of catastrophic mistakes that led to a Nike patron’s underperformance in a physical fitness activity, I am the CEO, and this is totally on me,” said Donahoe, adding that the company’s values were not reflected in the 20-second clip that recently emerged on social media, which shows an awkward, out-of-shape man barely jogging for half a block while wearing the company’s Air Zoom Pegasus 36 running shoes. “Please know I am deeply sorry for the humiliating lack of athleticism on display in this video. No one in Nike gear should ever be breathing heavily and running all hunched over with their arms on their hips like that—never mind the bumbling, lethargic pace. This is not what Nike is about, and I have submitted my resignation.” At press time, reports confirmed the company’s entire board of directors had also resigned after new footage surfaced in which a guy misses a bunch of easy grounders while wearing one of the company’s baseball gloves.


theonion--2020-10-05--Virtual Tour Of The OGN Conference

Virtual Tour Of The OGN Conference

With the kickoff to our first-ever gaming convention just hours away , we know gamers are literally pounding at the @ @ @ @ @ Zweibel Convention Center and get a gander at the treasures that lie within .
Thanks @ @ @ @ @ reality , we can give you a sneak peek at exactly what attending the Onion @ @ @ @ @ all about .
Click on to delve into our gaming utopia .

With the kickoff to our first-ever gaming convention just hours away, we know gamers are literally pounding at the doors to get inside the Zweibel Convention Center and get a gander at the treasures that lie within. Thanks to the wonders of virtual reality, we can give you a sneak peek at exactly what attending the Onion Gamer’s Expo is all about. Click on to delve into our gaming utopia.


theonion--2020-10-06--Nobel Prize Awarded To Scientists Who Discovered Hepatitis C Virus

Three scientists have been jointly awarded this year ’ s Nobel Prize in Medicine for their work on the hepatitis @ @ @ @ @ reduced transmission of the blood-based virus and paved the way for new treatments of a @ @ @ @ @ every year .
What do you think ?

Three scientists have been jointly awarded this year’s Nobel Prize in Medicine for their work on the hepatitis C virus, which has reduced transmission of the blood-based virus and paved the way for new treatments of a disease that kills 400,000 people every year. What do you think?
“We shouldn’t let these scientists’ work overshadow the contributions of thousands of unsanitary tattoo parlors.” Sam Thorpe • Corporate Electrician
“It’s nice for hep C to finally get some positive press.” Jules Mullane • Carbonation Expert
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theonion--2020-10-06--John Bolton Seething With Jealousy After Trump Gets To Become Living Biological Weapon

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration that the president was able to attain what he himself never had , former National Security Advisor John Bolton was reportedly seething with jealousy Tuesday that President Trump got to become a real-life living , breathing biological weapon .
“ If only I had stayed in the administration , I could ’ ve been the one to get infected with a deadly virus capable of defeating all of America ’ s enemies , ” said Bolton , growing increasingly incensed that the p resident had so easily stumbled into such an efficient method of viral warfare .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump is totally wasting this golden opportunity just hanging out in the White House when he could bring Iran to its knees with one indoor face-to-face with Rouhani .
The president has a moral imperative to fight for American interests by coughing repeatedly in the face of Kim Jong-u n or at the very least wandering through a crowded North Korean market to infect as many civilians as possible.
” At press time , a desperate Bolton was reportedly rubbing used hospital scrubs against his face and inhaling deeply while booking a flight @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Expressing frustration that the president was able to attain what he himself never had, former National Security Advisor John Bolton was reportedly seething with jealousy Tuesday that President Trump got to become a real-life living, breathing biological weapon. “If only I had stayed in the administration, I could’ve been the one to get infected with a deadly virus capable of defeating all of America’s enemies,” said Bolton, growing increasingly incensed that the president had so easily stumbled into such an efficient method of viral warfare. “It’s particularly galling because Donald Trump is totally wasting this golden opportunity just hanging out in the White House when he could bring Iran to its knees with one indoor face-to-face with Rouhani. The president has a moral imperative to fight for American interests by coughing repeatedly in the face of Kim Jong-un or at the very least wandering through a crowded North Korean market to infect as many civilians as possible.” At press time, a desperate Bolton was reportedly rubbing used hospital scrubs against his face and inhaling deeply while booking a flight to Tehran.


theonion--2020-10-06--‘But If He Has My Voice, Then Whose Voice Do I Have?’ Murmurs John Cena Examining Own Talking Action

‘But If He Has My Voice, Then Whose Voice Do I Have?’ Murmurs John Cena Examining Own Talking Action Figure

LAND O ’ LAKES , FL—Repeatedly slamming the poseable character toy against his hand to elicit his very own catchphrases @ @ @ @ @ his own talking action figure Tuesday and murmured , “ But if he has my @ @ @ @ @ do I have ?
” “ Wait , I say ‘ The Champ is here @ @ @ @ @ also says ‘ The Champ is here , ’ does that make me an imposter @ @ @ @ @ WWE champion , pondering whether his voice had crawled out of his body , or @ @ @ @ @ or whether it was ever truly his to begin with .
“ When I speak @ @ @ @ @ Does that mean we ’ re sharing the same voice ?
I assumed he was @ @ @ @ @ but perhaps I am a copy of him ?
There ’ s no way I @ @ @ @ @ once—can I ?
” At press time , Cena had pinned the figure to try @ @ @ @ @ that the imposter figure claimed was his .

LAND O’ LAKES, FL—Repeatedly slamming the poseable character toy against his hand to elicit his very own catchphrases, wrestler-turned-actor John Cena examined his own talking action figure Tuesday and murmured, “But if he has my voice, then whose voice do I have?” “Wait, I say ‘The Champ is here,’ but then he also says ‘The Champ is here,’ does that make me an imposter?” asked the 18-time WWE champion, pondering whether his voice had crawled out of his body, or been captured by Mattel, or whether it was ever truly his to begin with. “When I speak, he says nothing. Does that mean we’re sharing the same voice? I assumed he was a copy of me, but perhaps I am a copy of him? There’s no way I can be two people at once—can I?” At press time, Cena had pinned the figure to try and regain the WWE title that the imposter figure claimed was his.


theonion--2020-10-06--Man Leaves Comments Section He’s Having Argument In To Quickly Skim Article For Supporting Facts

LUBBOCK , TX—In an effort to find evidence he lacked to validate his claim , local man Will Kunz left @ @ @ @ @ having an argument in Tuesday to quickly skim an article for supporting facts .
“ @ @ @ @ @ I can ’ t wait to teach this dipshit a thing or two about abortion @ @ @ @ @ ” said Kunz , as he clicked out of Facebook to furiously scan the Wikipedia @ @ @ @ @ and a Quora thread explaining the Ninth Amendment for evidence supporting his case , making @ @ @ @ @ that conflicted with his original position .
“ He ’ s going to feel so @ @ @ @ @ what [ I just learned myself from a cursory Google search ] .
I mean @ @ @ @ @ I not only had never been aware of up until this moment but had never @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Kunz decided to save some time by directly copying and @ @ @ @ @ article into the comments field .

LUBBOCK, TX—In an effort to find evidence he lacked to validate his claim, local man Will Kunz left the comments section he was having an argument in Tuesday to quickly skim an article for supporting facts. “Oh my God, I can’t wait to teach this dipshit a thing or two about abortion rights in this country,” said Kunz, as he clicked out of Facebook to furiously scan the Wikipedia entry for Roe v. Wade and a Quora thread explaining the Ninth Amendment for evidence supporting his case, making sure to ignore any information that conflicted with his original position. “He’s going to feel so stupid when he finds out what [I just learned myself from a cursory Google search]. I mean, the facts [that I not only had never been aware of up until this moment but had never even considered] are indisputable.” At press time, Kunz decided to save some time by directly copying and pasting the text of the article into the comments field.


theonion--2020-10-06--Your Horoscopes — Week Of October 6, 2020

Your willingness to die for what you believe in may seem naïve , but someone has to stand up to @ @ @ @ @ was the best host of Family Feud .

Taurus | April 20 to May 20
Others may claim you to be a contrarian, they may accuse you of being a knee-jerk naysayer, of disputing popular opinion for the sake of disputing popular opinion—but then you really couldn’t disagree with them more.


theonion--2020-10-06--NASA Discovers Evidence That Life Could Exist Outside America

Could there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S. ?
We have the latest @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

Could there be potential lifeforms lurking in the mysterious void that lies beyond the U.S.? We have the latest on this monumental discovery.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more


theonion--2020-10-06--Insider Report Reveals Obama Tried Persuading Ginsburg To Die During His Presidency

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the former president ’ s relationship with the Supreme Court justice , an insider report released @ @ @ @ @ repeatedly tried persuading Ruth Bader Ginsburg to die during his presidency .
“ The former @ @ @ @ @ Ginsburg about the potential risks of her continuing to remain on the court , which @ @ @ @ @ to drop dead while he was still in office , ” read the report in @ @ @ @ @ s arguments that Ginsburg could ensure her legacy was maintained by gracefully getting sucked into @ @ @ @ @ wolves early in his second term .
“ Obama wanted to make the transition as @ @ @ @ @ by suggesting a wide variety of options for how she might want to go out @ @ @ @ @ poisons he had brought along to their meeting in addition to a loaded handgun and @ @ @ @ @ The report concluded that Ginsburg ultimately demurred , opting to remain on the Supreme Court @ @ @ @ @ s foot and surviving a fall down 30 flights of stairs .

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the former president’s relationship with the Supreme Court justice, an insider report released Tuesday revealed that Barack Obama repeatedly tried persuading Ruth Bader Ginsburg to die during his presidency. “The former president was frank with Justice Ginsburg about the potential risks of her continuing to remain on the court, which is why he urged her to drop dead while he was still in office,” read the report in part, detailing Obama’s arguments that Ginsburg could ensure her legacy was maintained by gracefully getting sucked into a whirlpool or devoured by wolves early in his second term. “Obama wanted to make the transition as easy as possible for Ginsburg by suggesting a wide variety of options for how she might want to go out, such as the numerous poisons he had brought along to their meeting in addition to a loaded handgun and a length of rope.” The report concluded that Ginsburg ultimately demurred, opting to remain on the Supreme Court after tripping on Obama’s foot and surviving a fall down 30 flights of stairs.
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theonion--2020-10-06--Horse-Drawn Carriages Return To Central Park Following Covid-19 Break

Carriage horses and their drivers went back to work this week shuttling tourists around Central Park after a six-month break @ @ @ @ @ though their return was met with both anti-animal cruelty protestors as well as carriage driver @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ If these anti-ani mal cruelty protestors can think of another way to @ @ @ @ @ I ’ d love to hear it.
” “ I ’ m sure the horses @ @ @ @ @ have a chance to earn a paycheck again .
”

Carriage horses and their drivers went back to work this week shuttling tourists around Central Park after a six-month break due to the pandemic, though their return was met with both anti-animal cruelty protestors as well as carriage driver supporters. What do you think?
“If these anti-ani mal cruelty protestors can think of another way to get around Central Park, I’d love to hear it.” Kendra Leigh • Emergency Contact
“I guess I didn’t get the job pulling carriages then, either.” Lars Rabson • New Age Poet
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theonion--2020-10-06--Talk Around The Con: The Most Insane Quotes We Heard Around OGE

Stepping into the buzz of gaming celebrities , iconic designers , and voice actors on the floor at our first-ever @ @ @ @ @ transform even the most self-serious gamer into an honest-to-god fangirl or fanboy .
Here , @ @ @ @ @ most insane tidbits , quotes , and keynote excerpts into one slideshow that proves that @ @ @ @ @ established its place as the greatest convention in gaming history .

Stepping into the buzz of gaming celebrities, iconic designers, and voice actors on the floor at our first-ever gaming convention was enough to transform even the most self-serious gamer into an honest-to-god fangirl or fanboy. Here, we’ve compressed the most insane tidbits, quotes, and keynote excerpts into one slideshow that proves that the Onion Gamer Expo has established its place as the greatest convention in gaming history.


theonion--2020-10-06--Mother Fucker: Cliff Bleszinski Just Made Off From Our Conference With 10,000 Free EA Games Pens

Well , gamers , unfortunately it ’ s time for some pretty infuriating news .
We were super excited when Gears Of War and Unreal creator Cliff Bleszinski decided to grace our Onion Gamer ’ s Expo with his presence , but then this son of a bitch just took off with 10,000 of our free EA Games pens !
As one of the many truly unique facets of the OGN g aming c onference , we were able to partner with EA Games to give each of our attendees a free pen bearing the video game developer ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Cliff Bleszinski first arrived he took three or four of them— a reasonable amount of pens that should satisfy the average person .
But it ’ s apparently not enough for the greedy prick .
We ’ re well aware that we didn ’ t have a sign that indicated only taking just one , but this is unbelievable .
We were under the impression that Bleszinski was excited to talk to an audience about his design philosophy with the Gears franchise and maybe sign a few copies , but when it came @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he was peeling out from the parking lot cackling to himself with a van full of our precious EA Games pens .
What ’ s disappointing is this was one of the main points of promotion for this conference .
We paid an ungodly amount for targeted ads to gamers that read “ Come to the OGE and receive a free white EA Games click pen !
” Now we ’ re left wondering if the only reason why Bleszinski agreed to the conference in the first place was so he could sneak @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pens while the security guard wasn ’ t looking .
Given that he took every pen we had , it ’ s hard to tell if this was simply an act of Machiavellian self-interest or some kind of declaration of war against our conference itself .
You have to assume that he has the money to buy 10,000 pens if he wants .
But why would someone need this many pens ?
Maybe he intends to offload them to a fence who can sell them on the black market .
Regardless of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ move .
Christ , sorry you had to find out like this , gamers .
But Cliff Bleszinski is the true scum of the Earth for taking off with all 10,000 of our EA Games pens , and we also sincerely apologize that nobody else will get the opportunity to have a free pen .
We know it comes as a huge disappointment , but you ’ ll have to make do with the free EA Games bouncy balls and coasters while we all wish that Cliffy B would go straight to hell @

Well, gamers, unfortunately it’s time for some pretty infuriating news. We were super excited when Gears Of War and Unreal creator Cliff Bleszinski decided to grace our Onion Gamer’ s Expo with his presence, but then this son of a bitch just took off with 10,000 of our free EA Games pens!
Go dd ammit, what a complete asshole!
As one of the many truly unique facets of the OGN g aming c onference, we were able to partner with EA Games to give each of our attendees a free pen bearing the video game developer’s logo completely free of charge. When Cliff Bleszinski first arrived he took three or four of them— a reasonable amount of pens that should satisfy the average person. But it’s apparently not enough for the greedy prick. We’re well aware that we didn’t have a sign that indicated only taking just one, but this is unbelievable.
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We were under the impression that Bleszinski was excited to talk to an audience about his design philosophy with the Gears franchise and maybe sign a few copies , but when it came time for the panel we scheduled, he was peeling out from the parking lot cackling to himself with a van full of our precious EA Games pens.
Cliff Bleszinski, you unconscionable bastard!
What’s disappointing is this was one of the main points of promotion for this conference. We paid an ungodly amount for targeted ads to gamers that read “ Come to the OGE and receive a free white EA Games click pen!” Now we’re left wondering if the only reason why Bleszinski agreed to the conference in the first place was so he could sneak behind our booth to steal boxes of pens while the security guard wasn’t looking.
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Given that he took every pen we had, it’s hard to tell if this was simply an act of Machiavellian self-interest or some kind of declaration of war against our conference itself. You have to assume that he has the money to buy 10,000 pens if he wants. But why would someone need this many pens? Maybe he intends to offload them to a fence who can sell them on the black market.
Regardless of the reason, this is a huge dick move.
Christ, sorry you had to find out like this, gamers. But Cliff Bleszinski is the true scum of the Earth for taking off with all 10,000 of our EA Games pens, and we also sincerely apologize that nobody else will get the opportunity to have a free pen. We know it comes as a huge disappointment, but you’ll have to make do with the free EA Games bouncy balls and coasters while we all wish that Cliffy B would go straight to hell.


theonion--2020-10-07--Piece Of Shit From Nearby Town Marries Bitch From High School

Like , for real .
We have the latest on how these two dumbasses reconnected , and you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , @ @ @

Like, for real. We have the latest on how these two dumbasses reconnected, and you’re not going to believe it.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-07--Confused Army Corp Of Engineers Trying To Find Out What Big Blue Cable Connected To Country Does

MEDON , TN—Struggling to make heads or tails of the long , thick cord , a division of confused U.S. Army Corps of Engineers members were reportedly trying Wednesday to figure out what the big blue cable connected to the country does .
“ We tracked this huge blue cable from the Eastern Seaboard through the Appalachian Mountains and across the Ohio River , but we still have no clue what it ’ s supposed to be for , ” said civil designer Christopher Maylor , scratching his head while adding that separate teams of engineers had responded to sightings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s Glacier National Park and running along the Texas– New Mexico border , and they were all wondering if it was the same cord .
“ It ’ s pretty thick and weatherproofed , so it must be really important .
It ’ s at least 750 miles long , at least the part we ’ ve tracked so far , and it ’ s definitely plugged into the country somewhere , because when you try to pull it , it doesn ’ t give .
Of course , we don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , in case we unplug it from wherever it ’ s plugged into .
That could be really bad .
We ’ re pretty sure we ’ ve ruled out it being an electrical grid thing , but our big worry is that it ’ s from one of those big New Deal projects that never got labeled but still connects to some key piece of infrastructure .
I guess all we can do is keep looking.
” At press time , the Army Corps of E ngineers decided to unplug the cable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

MEDON, TN—Struggling to make heads or tails of the long, thick cord, a division of confused U.S. Army Corps of Engineers members were reportedly trying Wednesday to figure out what the big blue cable connected to the country does. “We tracked this huge blue cable from the Eastern Seaboard through the Appalachian Mountains and across the Ohio River, but we still have no clue what it’s supposed to be for,” said civil designer Christopher Maylor, scratching his head while adding that separate teams of engineers had responded to sightings of big blue cables near Montana’s Glacier National Park and running along the Texas–New Mexico border, and they were all wondering if it was the same cord. “It’s pretty thick and weatherproofed, so it must be really important. It’s at least 750 miles long, at least the part we’ve tracked so far, and it’s definitely plugged into the country somewhere, because when you try to pull it, it doesn’t give. Of course, we don’t want to pull on it too hard, in case we unplug it from wherever it’s plugged into. That could be really bad. We’re pretty sure we’ve ruled out it being an electrical grid thing, but our big worry is that it’s from one of those big New Deal projects that never got labeled but still connects to some key piece of infrastructure. I guess all we can do is keep looking.” At press time, the Army Corps of Engineers decided to unplug the cable and former President Jimmy Carter immediately died.


theonion--2020-10-07--Thousands Of Minks Die Of Coronavirus On Utah Fur Farms

Roughly 8,000 minks have died of Covid-19 on Utah ranches since last week , likely after the animals caught the @ @ @ @ @ the fur from the infected dead animals will still be processed for use in garments @ @ @ @ @ group Fur Commission USA .
What do you think ?

Roughly 8,000 minks have died of Covid-19 on Utah ranches since last week, likely after the animals caught the virus from workers, but the fur from the infected dead animals will still be processed for use in garments according to the mink farming group Fur Commission USA. What do you think?
“Who kn ew the fur industry had a dark side?” Larissa Butler • Debutante
“Minks from Utah ranches? How déclassé.” Jacob Lee • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-10-07--Gamers, Are You Not Seeing All The Olives We Left Around The Expo Hall For You? Gotta Be Like 500 Do

Gamers, Are You Not Seeing All The Olives We Left Around The Expo Hall For You? Gotta Be Like 500 Dollars Worth Here, Be A Huge Waste If No One Eats Any

So far , so good at our first-ever gaming conference !
We ’ ve witnessed some amazing panels , dream-come-true announcements , and a few moments that surprised even us .
Still , there ’ s one small detail that ’ s been irking us .
Gamers , are you not seeing all the olives we left around the expo hall for you ?
There are , like , $ 500 worth here , and it ’ d be a huge waste if no one scooped them up and tried a few .
We left all of these olives out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , feel free to have at ’ em !
Look , readers , we thought this would be a nice treat for everyone , so it ’ s just a bit of a bummer that we scattered these olives around the convention center and nobody is even picking them up to try a little nibble .
Now , it ’ s possible no one has noticed them , but we really tried to make sure that wasn ’ t the case .
There are olive on tables , some are on the floor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you look , there are olives .
These aren ’ t some cheap prepackaged olives from the grocery store , either .
Maybe that ’ s what you ’ re worried about ?
We went to a nice cheese store and picked them up before the show .
We ’ re talking green and black .
Even a few stuffed with blue cheese .
Please understand , that ’ s hundreds of dollars from our pockets down the drain if you don ’ t even take a little nibble .
Come on , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them like they ’ re trash ?
These are really great olives .
Some of them are K alamatas straight from Greece , some have rosemary in the brine .
There are even these spicy buffalo- flavored ones that are really nice , too .
Even if you don ’ t want a ton of olives , you can be nice about it and just grab a couple .
Hell , if you really don ’ t like olives , all you have to do is put them on your plate , walk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and then throw them out while we aren ’ t looking .
Honestly , we ’ re a little annoyed with you right now , gamers .
We sent out an email to see if anybody had dietary restrictions and no one even responded , so we were left to assume everyone was cool with olives .
And now we ’ ve basically spent 500 dollars on nothing .
Think about it : How would that make you feel ?
Now , we will take some ownership that we should have left @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them down on the conference floor and booths .
But we had this image in our head that it would set up a nice tableau , and then we just ran with it .
Who knows ?
Maybe we got overly excited about putting olives everywhere .
Either way , their brine is probably an antibacterial , so it ’ s not like it ’ s going to get you sick by just picking them up and popping one in your mouth .
Listen , we ’ re not perfect .
Not by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ admit that a pitted snack might not be the best thing for a video game conference without many trash cans .
But you could have at least told us you didn ’ t enjoy olives before the conference started .
We just wanted to do something nice for you and now you ’ re making us feel like jerks .
This wasn ’ t out of some food discretionary fund , either .
All of our writers pooled their own money in a little manila envelope labeled “ OLIVES ” because we thought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our attendees .
Instead , we ’ re going to have to pack them up in Tupperware containers at the end of the day and take them home .

So far, so good at our first-ever gaming conference! We’ve witnessed some amazing panels, dream-come-true announcements, and a few moments that surprised even us. Still, there’s one small detail that’s been irking us. Gamers, are you not seeing all the olives we left around the expo hall for you? There are, like, $ 500 worth here, and it’d be a huge waste if no one scooped them up and tried a few.
We left all of these olives out for you, guys! So really, feel free to have at ’ em!
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Look, readers, we thought this would be a nice treat for everyone, so it’s just a bit of a bummer that we scattered these olives around the convention center and nobody is even picking them up to try a little nibble. Now, it’s possible no one has noticed them, but we really tried to make sure that wasn’t the case. There are olive on tables, some are on the floor, some are in baskets. Anywhere you look, there are olives.
These aren’t some cheap prepackaged olives from the grocery store, either. Maybe that’s what you’re worried about? We went to a nice cheese store and picked them up before the show. We’re talking green and black. Even a few stuffed with blue cheese. Please understand, that’s hundreds of dollars from our pockets down the drain if you don’t even take a little nibble.
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Come on, gamers, why are you stepping over them like they’re trash? These are really great olives. Some of them are K alamatas straight from Greece, some have rosemary in the brine. There are even these spicy buffalo- flavored ones that are really nice, too. Even if you don’t want a ton of olives, you can be nice about it and just grab a couple.
Hell, if you really don’t like olives, all you have to do is put them on your plate, walk around with them for a little bit, and then throw them out while we aren’t looking.
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Honestly, we’re a little annoyed with you right now, gamers. We sent out an email to see if anybody had dietary restrictions and no one even responded, so we were left to assume everyone was cool with olives. And now we’ve basically spent 500 dollars on nothing.
Think about it: How would that make you feel?
Now, we will take some ownership that we should have left them in jars instead of just putting them down on the conference floor and booths. But we had this image in our head that it would set up a nice tableau, and then we just ran with it. Who knows? Maybe we got overly excited about putting olives everywhere. Either way, their brine is probably an antibacterial, so it’s not like it’s going to get you sick by just picking them up and popping one in your mouth.
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Listen, we’re not perfect. Not by a long shot. We’ll admit that a pitted snack might not be the best thing for a video game conference without many trash cans. But you could have at least told us you didn’t enjoy olives before the conference started. We just wanted to do something nice for you and now you’re making us feel like jerks.
This wasn’t out of some food discretionary fund, either. All of our writers pooled their own money in a little manila envelope labeled “OLIVES” because we thought it would be a great reward for our attendees. Instead, we’re going to have to pack them up in Tupperware containers at the end of the day and take them home.
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Jeez. Thanks a lot, guys.


theonion--2020-10-07--Come On, Man: Representatives From CD Projekt Red Are Completely Hogging All The Controllers At The

Come On, Man: Representatives From CD Projekt Red Are Completely Hogging All The Controllers At The Booth Where You Can Try Out ‘Cyberpunk 2077’ Even Though It’s Their Own Game

You know what , OGN readers ?
We ’ ve seen some pretty unprofessional behavior before in the gaming industry , but this really takes the cake .
There is a whole line of playable demo stations for Cyberpunk 2077 at the Onion Gamer ’ s Expo right now , but the reps from CD Projekt Red have been hogging every single one of them this whole time even though it ’ s their own game .
Look , we ’ re just going to say it : This is total bullshit .
After a week of exclusive previews and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to finally get our hands on CD Projekt Red ’ s sprawling new science- fiction RPG .
Unfortunately , just as we were about to grab a controller to jump into the neon-lit wonder of Night City , a dozen Projekt Red employees barged through the door , commandeered every single one of the controllers , and haven ’ t stopped playing for the past 30 minutes .
They didn ’ t even seem to care that there was a massive line of fans who had been waiting for hours to catch a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stealth mechanics over their shoulders .
Goddamnit .
What ’ s worse is that we have repeatedly and respectfully asked their designers and coders to step aside and let someone else play , stressing that they must have playtested the game thousands of times by now over the five-year development cycle .
But they just either outright ignored us or laughed in our face !
It ’ s unbelievable .
There are signs mounted everywhere that say “ Limit 15 Minutes ” —signs that they mounted themselves—and these pricks don ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one of them just quit out of the game entirely so she could boot up Celeste .
That ’ s not what this booth is for , you jerks !
C ’ mon !
Well , we are calling it , this is fucking unacceptable , gamers .
This is our expo and we want to play Cyberpunk , or at least watch it without Mike Pondsmith deliberately obstructing our view .
If CD Projekt Red wants to thumb their noses at the rule s and act like a bunch of spoiled assholes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We ’ re calling the expo manager to get these assholes off the consoles and let everyone else gets a chance .
And by the way CD Projekt ?
W e are panning the shit out of your game if you ever actually manage to release it .

You know what, OGN readers? We’ve seen some pretty unprofessional behavior before in the gaming industry, but this really takes the cake. There is a whole line of playable demo stations for Cyberpunk 2077 at the Onion Gamer Expo right now, but the reps from CD Projekt Red have been hogging every single one of them this whole time even though it’s their own game.
Look, we’re just going to say it: This is total bullshit.
After a week of exclusive previews and gameplay teasers, we were unbelievably pumped to finally get our hands on CD Projekt Red’s sprawling new science-fiction RPG. Unfortunately, just as we were about to grab a controller to jump into the neon-lit wonder of Night City, a dozen Projekt Red employees barged through the door, commandeered every single one of the controllers, and haven’t stopped playing for the past 30 minutes. They didn’t even seem to care that there was a massive line of fans who had been waiting for hours to catch a glimpse of the new perk trees and stealth mechanics over their shoulders. Goddamnit.
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What’s worse is that we have repeatedly and respectfully asked their designers and coders to step aside and let someone else play, stressing that they must have playtested the game thousands of times by now over the five-year development cycle. But they just either outright ignored us or laughed in our face! It’s unbelievable. There are signs mounted everywhere that say “Limit 15 Minutes”—signs that they mounted themselves—and these pricks don’t even seem to care.
Jesus Christ, one of them just quit out of the game entirely so she could boot up Celeste. That’s not what this booth is for, you jerks! C’mon!
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Well, we are calling it, this is fucking unacceptable, gamers. This is our expo and we want to play Cyberpunk, or at least watch it without Mike Pondsmith deliberately obstructing our view. If CD Projekt Red wants to thumb their noses at the rules and act like a bunch of spoiled assholes, they will pay the price. We’re calling the expo manager to get these assholes off the consoles and let everyone else gets a chance.
And by the way CD Projekt? We are panning the shit out of your game if you ever actually manage to release it.


theonion--2020-10-07--Yikes: A Severely Overweight, Dead-Eyed Shigeru Miyamoto Showed Up To Our Gaming Festival 2 Days Lat

Yikes: A Severely Overweight, Dead-Eyed Shigeru Miyamoto Showed Up To Our Gaming Festival 2 Days Late With His Eyebrows Shaved Off And Is Now Silently Wandering Around

Strap in , gamers , because this is a weird one .
Two days after our staff expected him , a severely overweight , dead-eyed Shigeru Miyamoto just showed up to the Onion Gaming Expo with his eyebrows shaved off , and he is now silently wandering around the convention hall .
Oof .
We really don ’ t know what to make of this .
See , Mr. Miyamoto , the legendary game designer for Nintendo , was originally scheduled to give a presentation on the main stage earlier this week .
As abiding fans of everything he ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ games , we were all really excited by a rumor that he might be making a big announcement about an upcoming Mario game .
He didn ’ t show up , though , and we didn ’ t hear anything from him or his representatives about where he was .
Ultimately , we assumed he had cancel ed due to an illness .
Flash forward to today , spectators at the Cyberpunk 2077 demonstration noticed an unhealthily obese , middle-aged Japanese man standing completely still in the middle of the Marvel ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ exit sign .
We didn ’ t recognize him at first , but after taking a second look , we realized , dear God , that ’ s Shigeru Miyamoto , and he looks like he ’ s in horrible shape .
What the hell is going on , gamers ?
Our first concern wasn ’ t that he had missed delivering Monday ’ s exclusive OGE Nintendo Direct .
The more pressing thing was that Miyamoto appeared to be eating from a three-pound sack full of pistachios while repeatedly muttering the word @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a near-cata tonic state .
His shirt is completely stained and rumpled , and , well , let ’ s just say he doesn ’ t smell great .
It ’ s like a combination of rubbing alcohol and really badly burnt clay— it makes you gag a little just getting a whiff from far away .
After overcoming our distress , we tried to approach the designer behind The Legend Of Zelda and Super Mario and ask what he thought of the conference , and he just said , “ Ma ybe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feel about it ” before wandering off to the Epic Games booth , where he ’ s now just glaring at Tim Sweeney and breathing loudly .
We ’ re really scared , and we ’ re not sure why .
Readers , should we call an ambulance or something ?
Either way , we ’ ll keep an eye on him for you , and let you know if there are any updates .
Suffice it to say , it doesn ’ t look like we ’ re getting bonus DLC for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ version of Mario Party anytime soon , and what this means for the future of Nintendo in the next generation is anyone ’ s guess .

Strap in, gamers, because this is a weird one. Two days after our staff expected him, a severely overweight, dead-eyed Shigeru Miyamoto just showed up to the Onion Gamer Expo with his eyebrows shaved off, and he is now silently wandering around the convention hall.
Oof. We really don’t know what to make of this.
See, Mr. Miyamoto, the legendary game designer for Nintendo, was originally scheduled to give a presentation on the main stage earlier this week. As abiding fans of everything he’s contributed to the history of video games, we were all really excited by a rumor that he might be making a big announcement about an upcoming Mario game. He didn’t show up, though, and we didn’t hear anything from him or his representatives about where he was. Ultimately, we assumed he had canceled due to an illness.
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Flash forward to today, spectators at the Cyberpunk 2077 demonstration noticed an unhealthily obese, middle-aged Japanese man standing completely still in the middle of the Marvel’s Avengers tent, emptily staring at an exit sign. We didn’t recognize him at first, but after taking a second look, we realized, dear God, that’s Shigeru Miyamoto, and he looks like he’s in horrible shape.
What the hell is going on, gamers?
Our first concern wasn’t that he had missed delivering Monday’s exclusive OGE Nintendo Direct. The more pressing thing was that Miyamoto appeared to be eating from a three-pound sack full of pistachios while repeatedly muttering the word “liars” under his breath in a near-catatonic state. His shirt is completely stained and rumpled, and, well, let’s just say he doesn’t smell great. It’s like a combination of rubbing alcohol and really badly burnt clay—it makes you gag a little just getting a whiff from far away.
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After overcoming our distress, we tried to approach the designer behind The Legend Of Zelda and Super Mario and ask what he thought of the conference, and he just said, “Maybe I will—maybe I fucking will—see how they feel about it” before wandering off to the Epic Games booth, where he’s now just glaring at Tim Sweeney and breathing loudly. We’re really scared, and we’re not sure why.
Readers, should we call an ambulance or something?
Either way, we’ll keep an eye on him for you, and let you know if there are any updates. Suffice it to say, it doesn’t look like we’re getting bonus DLC for Super Mario Odyssey or a new 3DS version of Mario Party anytime soon, and what this means for the future of Nintendo in the next generation is anyone’s guess.


theonion--2020-10-07--Appeals Court Opens Across The Street From Regular Court To Drum Up Business

INDIANAPOLIS—Hopeful the new location would soon help the number of cases skyrocket , judges from the U.S. Court of Appeals confirmed Thursday that they had opened an appellate court across the street from a regular U.S. District Court to drum up business .
“ It ’ s perfect—people will be coming out after their court date thinking ‘ Huh , I should appeal , ’ and wham—there we are , ” said circuit judge Brenda Foley , who anticipated the court ’ s strategic location , along with a clerk standing outside in a Statue of Liberty costume twirling a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hundreds of new defendants looking to appeal the verdict of their lost fraud , medical malpractice , or homicide trials .
“ The last thing people who were just in court want to do is go out of their way to a different court , but we ’ ll be right there .
Don ’ t like the decision ?
Mosey across the street .
That ’ s how you hook the suckers .
It ’ s all about location , location , location .
Business was slow for a bit , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Foley added the court would also offer check-cashing services .

INDIANAPOLIS—Hopeful the new location would soon help the number of cases skyrocket, judges from the U.S. Court of Appeals confirmed Thursday that they had opened an appellate court across the street from a regular U.S. District Court to drum up business. “It’s perfect—people will be coming out after their court date thinking ‘Huh, I should appeal,’ and wham—there we are,” said circuit judge Brenda Foley, who anticipated the court’s strategic location, along with a clerk standing outside in a Statue of Liberty costume twirling a corrugated plastic sign, would bring in hundreds of new defendants looking to appeal the verdict of their lost fraud, medical malpractice, or homicide trials. “The last thing people who were just in court want to do is go out of their way to a different court, but we’ll be right there. Don’t like the decision? Mosey across the street. That’s how you hook the suckers. It’s all about location, location, location. Business was slow for a bit, but it sure won’t be anymore.” At press time, Foley added the court would also offer check-cashing services.


theonion--2020-10-08--Donald Trump Reprimanded For Continually Interrupting Harris, Moderator During VP Debate

SALT LAKE CITY—After he issued a relentless stream of combative remarks that were criticized as unhelpful and distracting , President Donald Trump was reprimanded Wednesday night for continually interrupting Sen. Kamala Harris and moderator Susan Page during the vice presidential debate .
“ Excuse me , Mr. President , but please remember your campaign agreed to the format of this debate between Sen. Harris and Vice President Pence , and your repeated interruptions are a clear violation of those rules , ” Page said to Trump , who accused the moderator of trying to silence him when she asked Harris @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and then complained that the rules were only being enforced against him .
“ Sir—sir , in all fairness , you ’ ve been interrupting quite a bit more than anyone else on stage .
In fact , you ’ ve had more time to speak than the two vice-presidential candidates combined .
The country would be better served if you could just set down the microphone now.
” At press time , Trump had turned his attention to ridiculing Mike Pence , whose performance he derided as low energy , weak @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ”

SALT LAKE CITY—After he issued a relentless stream of combative remarks that were criticized as unhelpful and distracting, President Donald Trump was reprimanded Wednesday night for continually interrupting Sen. Kamala Harris and moderator Susan Page during the vice presidential debate. “Excuse me, Mr. President, but please remember your campaign agreed to the format of this debate between Sen. Harris and Vice President Pence, and your repeated interruptions are a clear violation of those rules,” Page said to Trump, who accused the moderator of trying to silence him when she asked Harris about her position on Medicare for All, and then complained that the rules were only being enforced against him. “Sir—sir, in all fairness, you’ve been interrupting quite a bit more than anyone else on stage. In fact, you’ve had more time to speak than the two vice-presidential candidates combined. The country would be better served if you could just set down the microphone now.” At press time, Trump had turned his attention to ridiculing Mike Pence, whose performance he derided as low energy, weak, and “terrible t elevision.”


theonion--2020-10-08--Pence Instinctively Addresses Harris’ Husband In Audience During Debate Responses

SALT LAKE CITY—As he made direct eye contact with the man sitting in the audience nearly 30 feet away , @ @ @ @ @ to instinctively address his responses to Sen. Kamala Harris ’ husband during Wednesday night ’ @ @ @ @ @ Excuse me , sir , but I take objection to your wife ’ s characterization @ @ @ @ @ priorities , ” Pence said as he turned away from his opponent and pointed a @ @ @ @ @ entertainment lawyer Doug Emhoff , claiming that the policies he allowed his wife to support @ @ @ @ @ country .
“ Could you please explain to her that my experience as chair of @ @ @ @ @ Task Force gives me a far greater grasp of healthcare issues ?
To be honest @ @ @ @ @ sure why you are letting her talk to me like this , in such contrary @ @ @ @ @ easier if you could just address me directly.
” Pence later chastised Harris for interrupting @ @ @ @ @ .

SALT LAKE CITY—As he made direct eye contact with the man sitting in the audience nearly 30 feet away, Vice President Mike Pence appeared to instinctively address his responses to Sen. Kamala Harris’ husband during Wednesday night’s vice-presidential debate. “Excuse me, sir, but I take objection to your wife’s characterization of this administration’s priorities,” Pence said as he turned away from his opponent and pointed a finger at her spouse, entertainment lawyer Doug Emhoff, claiming that the policies he allowed his wife to support would be disastrous for the country. “Could you please explain to her that my experience as chair of the president’s Coronavirus Task Force gives me a far greater grasp of healthcare issues? To be honest, I’m not sure why you are letting her talk to me like this, in such contrary tones. It might be easier if you could just address me directly.” Pence later chastised Harris for interrupting her husband during his response.


Facebook Bans QAnon

Facebook announced it will ban groups , pages , and accounts associated with QAnon , a conspiracy theory the company @ @ @ @ @ disinformation campaigns and whose followers believe high-profile Democrats are members of a cabal of pedophiles @ @ @ @ @ fighting .
What do you think ?
“ And yet they ’ ll allow me @ @ @ @ @ great I ’ m doing ?
” “ That ’ s exactly what Facebook wants @ @ @ @ @

Facebook announced it will ban groups, pages, and accounts associated with QAnon, a conspiracy theory the company says is responsible for coordinated disinformation campaigns and whose followers believe high-profile Democrats are members of a cabal of pedophiles that Donald Trump is secretly fighting. What do you think?
“And yet they’ll allow me to spread disinformation about how great I’m doing?” Yvette Winter • Sympathy Card Mogul
“That’s exactly what Facebook wants you to believe.” Stan Demkowicz • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-10-07--Trump Family To Halt Big Bath They All Take Together Every Night During President’s Quarantine

WASHINGTON—Citing an abundance of caution following President Donald Trump ’ s coronavirus diagnosis , the White House announced Wednesday that the Trump family would be discontinuing its practice of taking a big bath together every night until the president recovered .
“ We are exercising every precaution to stop the spread of Covid , so until his quarantine is over , the president and his family will halt their beloved tradition of all piling into a giant tub for a nighttime washing , ” said White House chief of staff Mark Meadows , confirming that the Trumps would be unable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and line up to get their backs scrubbed by a soapy loofah for at least the next 10 days .
“ We have implemented new safety procedures such as moving the basin to an open-air location on the front lawn and sterilizing all rubber duckies and toy submarines between baths in order to ensure family tub time can resume as soon as possible.
” At press time , Don Jr. and Eric had reportedly taken advantage of the two weeks without a bath by getting absolutely filthy playing in the White House Rose @ @

WASHINGTON—Citing an abundance of caution following President Donald Trump’s coronavirus diagnosis, the White House announced Wednesday that the Trump family would be discontinuing its practice of taking a big bath together every night until the president recovered. “We are exercising every precaution to stop the spread of Covid, so until his quarantine is over, the president and his family will halt their beloved tradition of all piling into a giant tub for a nighttime washing,” said White House chief of staff Mark Meadows, confirming that the Trumps would be unable to slosh around in the warm water and line up to get their backs scrubbed by a soapy loofah for at least the next 10 days. “We have implemented new safety procedures such as moving the basin to an open-air location on the front lawn and sterilizing all rubber duckies and toy submarines between baths in order to ensure family tub time can resume as soon as possible.” At press time, Don Jr. and Eric had reportedly taken advantage of the two weeks without a bath by getting absolutely filthy playing in the White House Rose Garden.


theonion--2020-10-07--Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part I

And that ’ s a wrap on opening three days for our first-ever gaming conventions !
There were breathtaking announcements @ @ @ @ @ and a whole lot of tantalizing hands-on demos .
But a few moments really made @ @ @ @ @ could be one of the most mind-melting , cool gaming conventions in recent memory .
@ @ @ @ @ what they were .

And that’s a wrap on opening three days for our first-ever gaming conventions! There were breathtaking announcements, thrilling celebrity appearances, and a whole lot of tantalizing hands-on demos. But a few moments really made this the start to what could be one of the most mind-melting, cool gaming conventions in recent memory. Read on to find out what they were.


theonion--2020-10-07--2020 Election: Key Senate Races To Watch

There are 35 Senate seats up in the 2020 election , most of which are currently held by Republicans , with the Democrats hoping to flip enough seats to take control of the upper chamber of Congress .
The Onion takes a look at the key 2020 Senate races to watch .
Doug Jones vs. Tommy Tuberville ( Alabama ) : Democrat Jones remains a heavy underdog against any candidate who isn ’ t a confirmed child molester .
Martha McSally vs. Mark Kelly ( Arizona ) : McSally has criticized former astronaut Kelly of dual loyalties to Earth and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( South Carolina ) : It remains to be seen how Harrison ’ s relatively low name recognition fares against Graham ’ s disastrously high name recognition .
David Perdue vs. Jon Ossoff ( Georgia ) : Democratic challenger Ossoff hopes to prove to voters that he ’ s capable of narrowly losing both the House and Senate races .
Susan Collins vs. Sara Gideon ( Maine ) : Collins hopes to win over Trump-skeptical voters by reminding them of how often she acts like she might be about to stand up to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( Kentucky ) : McGrath is poised to defeat McConnell in a humiliatingly large landslide , if the election results follow current Democrat delusional fantasies .
Thom Tillis vs. Cal Cunningham ( North Carolina ) : In a race of alliterative names , it really is anyone ’ s guess .
John Cornyn vs. MJ Hegar ( Texas ) : It ’ s been 30 years since a Democrat won in Texas , so it ’ s about time for Hegar to also lose .
Kelly Loeffler vs. Doug Collins vs. Raphael Warnock @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if she loses this tossup race , Loeffler can celebrate an extremely successful 2020 after receiving a Senate appointment and , unrelated , getting remarkably lucky in the stock market .

There are 35 Senate seats up in the 2020 election, most of which are currently held by Republicans, with the Democrats hoping to flip enough seats to take control of the upper chamber of Congress. The Onion takes a look at the key 2020 Senate races to watch. If you’re more compelled by the contests in the lowly peasant chamber of Congress, check out House races to watch here.
Doug Jones vs. Tommy Tuberville (Alabama): Democrat Jones remains a heavy underdog against any candidate who isn’t a confirmed child molester.
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Martha McSally vs. Mark Kelly (Arizona): McSally has criticized former astronaut Kelly of dual loyalties to Earth and space.
Lindsey Graham vs. Jaime Harrison (South Carolina): It remains to be seen how Harrison’s relatively low name recognition fares against Graham’s disastrously high name recognition.
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David Perdue vs. Jon Ossoff (Georgia): Democratic challenger Ossoff hopes to prove to voters that he’s capable of narrowly losing both the House and Senate races.
Susan Collins vs. Sara Gideon (Maine): Collins hopes to win over Trump-skeptical voters by reminding them of how often she acts like she might be about to stand up to him.
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Mitch McConnell vs. Amy McGrath (Kentucky): McGrath is poised to defeat McConnell in a humiliatingly large landslide, if the election results follow current Democrat delusional fantasies.
Thom Tillis vs. Cal Cunningham (North Carolina): In a race of alliterative names, it really is anyone’s guess.
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John Cornyn vs. MJ Hegar (Texas): It’s been 30 years since a Democrat won in Texas, so it’s about time for Hegar to also lose.
Kelly Loeffler vs. Doug Collins vs. Raphael Warnock (Georgia special election): Even if she loses this tossup race, Loeffler can celebrate an extremely successful 2020 after receiving a Senate appointment and, unrelated, getting remarkably lucky in the stock market.


theonion--2020-10-07--White House Staff Heartbroken By Sight Of Weak Trump Struggling To Yell Racial Slurs At TV

WASHINGTON—Grimacing from the other side of the room as the wheezing president made his fifth attempt to form the word “ filthy ” during a story about Puerto Rican statehood , several White House staffers confirmed Wednesday that they were heartbroken by the sight of a frail , weakened Donald Trump struggling to yell racial slurs at his television .
“ There was a story about immigrants and the election , and yet it took him almost two minutes to start talking about how Mexicans are criminals , ” said chief of staff Mark Meadows , who wiped tears from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump he knew could have rattled off a dozen slurs about H ispanics with no hesitation whatsoever , and might have even come up with a few new ones right on the spot .
“ You can see he ’ s shaking with rage , but his lips just couldn ’ t form what he really wanted to say about the Japanese , or Indians , or Greeks .
The poor guy can ’ t even get the N-word out without having to get a breath of oxygen , even though he used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a day.
” At press time , the White House staff had created a signal system where Trump could point out the slur he wanted to use on a giant white board .

WASHINGTON—Grimacing from the other side of the room as the wheezing president made his fifth attempt to form the word “ filthy” during a story about Puerto Rican statehood, several White House staffers confirmed Wednesday that they were heartbroken by the sight of a frail, weakened Donald Trump struggling to yell racial slurs at his television. “There was a story about immigrants and the election, and yet it took him almost two minutes to start talking about how Mexicans are criminals,” said chief of staff Mark Meadows, who wiped tears from his eyes and claimed that the old Trump he knew could have rattled off a dozen slurs about H ispanics with no hesitation whatsoever, and might have even come up with a few new ones right on the spot. “You can see he’s shaking with rage, but his lips just couldn’t form what he really wanted to say about the Japanese, or Indians, or Greeks. The poor guy can’t even get the N-word out without having to get a breath of oxygen, even though he used to throw that around a hundred times a day.” At press time, the White House staff had created a signal system where Trump could point out the slur he wanted to use on a giant white board.


theonion--2020-10-08--DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Ele

DNC Concerned Warm, Cozy Beds On Brisk November Morning Could Keep Voters From Going To Polls On Election Day

Hear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear how Democratic officials are looking to lure snuggled voters out of their beds and to the polls this fall.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-10-08--U.S. Border Patrol Agents Seize Over $1 Million Worth Of Counterfeit Viagra

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials say agents in Chicago seized 15,000 counterfeit Viagra tablets valued at more than $ @ @ @ @ @ en route from Istanbul to a residence in Michigan this past weekend .
What do @ @ @ @ @ wouldn ’ t be forced to support the illegal drug trade if we simply legalized @ @ @ @ @ our country doesn ’ t even make its own counterfeit Viagra anymore ?
” “ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s back to rubber bands .
”

U.S. Customs and Border Protection officials say agents in Chicago seized 15,000 counterfeit Viagra tablets valued at more than $1 million, which were en route from Istanbul to a residence in Michigan this past weekend. What do you think?
“People wouldn’t be forced to support the illegal drug trade if we simply legalized Viagra.” Angie Cline, Exam Proctor
“Geez, our country doesn’t even make its own counterfeit Viagra anymore?” Harold Pangrazio, Gym Valet
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theonion--2020-10-09--Gronkowski Hits Electrotherapy Machine On Sidelines To Help Keep Brain Loose

CHICAGO—Strapping his head in after struggling with tightness and dissociation on the last drive , Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski hit the electrotherapy machine during Thursday night ’ s game to help keep his brain loose while he was on the sidelines .
“ It ’ s not too bad when I ’ m focused on the field , but the second I sit down , I can feel my temporal lobe knot up , ” said Gronkowski , who noted that his tunneling vision cleared up as the 10-amp electrical current coursed through his cerebellum .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because after five minutes I start to forget the entire playbook , so it ’ s good to get the neurons firing again .
It doesn ’ t fix all the mood swings or anything , it just keeps me warm and remembering what city I ’ m in .
But with all this talking and looking at things , I still know I ’ m gon na be laid up icing my brain for days.
” At press time , a blocking Gronkowksi had leveled two defenders after mistaking them for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

CHICAGO—Strapping his head in after struggling with tightness and dissociation on the last drive, Tampa Bay Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski hit the electrotherapy machine during Thursday night’s game to help keep his brain loose while he was on the sidelines. “It’s not too bad when I’m focused on the field, but the second I sit down, I can feel my temporal lobe knot up,” said Gronkowski, who noted that his tunneling vision cleared up as the 10-amp electrical current coursed through his cerebellum. “It can be tough on long drives because after five minutes I start to forget the entire playbook, so it’s good to get the neurons firing again. It doesn’t fix all the mood swings or anything, it just keeps me warm and remembering what city I’m in. But with all this talking and looking at things, I still know I’m gonna be laid up icing my brain for days.” At press time, a blocking Gronkowksi had leveled two defenders after mistaking them for a 10-foot demon and Patriots coach Bill Belichick.


theonion--2020-10-08--Mike Pence, Kamala Harris Go Head To Head In Vice Presidential Debate

Mike Pence and Kamala Harris met last night in Utah for the vice presidential debate , which featured the candidates @ @ @ @ @ barriers days after an outbreak of coronavirus at the White House .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ it o n mute but everyone looked great.
” “ What ’ s the point @ @ @ @ @ already cast my vote for president four years ago.
” “ They both made some @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t see why I should marry either one of them .
”

Mike Pence and Kamala Harris met last night in Utah for the vice presidential debate, which featured the candidates seated and separated by plexiglass barriers days after an outbreak of coronavirus at the White House. What do you think?
“I had it o n mute but everyone looked great.” Victoria Bennett • Violin Tuner
“What’s the point of these debates? I already cast my vote for president four years ago.” Cody Richardson • Franchisee
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theonion--2020-10-08--Nation’s Bashful Sources: ‘…’

Nation’s Bashful Sources: ‘…’

DYERSVILLE , IA—Avoiding direct eye contact and covering their faces in an attempt to alleviate social anxiety , bashful sources @ @ @ @ @ reporters “ … ” Thursday , before going on to add “ … ” and @ @ @ @ @ for additional comment .
“ … , ” said the shy cohort of Americans , @ @ @ @ @ heads sheepishly , and quietly murmured to themselves in response to all follow-up questions , @ @ @ @ @ they remained silent long enough , everyone would just leave them alone .
“ … @ @ @ @ @ … .
… ?
….
” At press time , the timid sources were seen @ @ @ @ @ where they were said to remain , even though they didn ’ t need to @ @ @ @ @ time after reporters had left the area .

‘…,’ Add Shy Sources
DYERSVILLE, IA—Avoiding direct eye contact and covering their faces in an attempt to alleviate social anxiety, bashful sources from across the nation told reporters “…” Thursday, before going on to add “…” and “…” when reached for additional comment. “…,” said the shy cohort of Americans, who blushed, shook their heads sheepishly, and quietly murmured to themselves in response to all follow-up questions, reportedly hoping that, if they remained silent long enough, everyone would just leave them alone. “…, …, …, …. …? ….” At press time, the timid sources were seen ducking into a store, where they were said to remain, even though they didn’t need to buy anything, until some time after reporters had left the area.


theonion--2020-10-08--Highlights Of The Onion Gamers Expo: Part II

A Man Cosplaying As Link Proposed To His Girlfriend Cosplaying As Zelda And She Said No But Their Costumes Were @ @ @ @ @ their engagement is not to be and it may cause some problems or even an @ @ @ @ @ onlookers were dazzled by this couples beautifully intricate costuming during their failed proposal .

A Man Cosplaying As Link Proposed To His Girlfriend Cosplaying As Zelda And She Said No But Their Costumes Were Incredible: Even though ultimately their engagement is not to be and it may cause some problems or even an end to their relationship, onlookers were dazzled by this couples beautifully intricate costuming during their failed proposal.


theonion--2020-10-08--American Populace Worried They're Not Likable Enough To Attract Good Candidate For President

WASHINGTON—Unable to remember a time when they last had a national leader who treated them well , the American populace reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that they weren ’ t likable enough to attract a good candidate for president .
“ We are constantly getting involved with these awful presidential candidates who we know are only going to hurt us .
At some point we ’ ve got to start asking ourselves : Is it us ?
” said Chicago resident Natalie Freeman , echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans worried that they weren ’ t appealing enough to land @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t constantly lie , steal , and cheat on them by having secret relations with numerous other countries .
“ We see some of our allies finding great presidential candidates who do what ’ s best for them and always keep their promises , and I just think , ‘ We want that , ’ but no matter how hard we try , we always end up with total losers .
Maybe we need to work on the deep-seated issues we still have from our founding fathers who informed our idea of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first place.
” At press time , the American populace realized they deserved better and should take a break from having a president for a while .

WASHINGTON—Unable to remember a time when they last had a national leader who treated them well, the American populace reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that they weren’t likable enough to attract a good candidate for president. “We are constantly getting involved with these awful presidential candidates who we know are only going to hurt us. At some point we’ve got to start asking ourselves: Is it us?” said Chicago resident Natalie Freeman, echoing the sentiment of millions of Americans worried that they weren’t appealing enough to land any potential commander in chief who didn’t constantly lie, steal, and cheat on them by having secret relations with numerous other countries. “We see some of our allies finding great presidential candidates who do what’s best for them and always keep their promises, and I just think, ‘We want that,’ but no matter how hard we try, we always end up with total losers. Maybe we need to work on the deep-seated issues we still have from our founding fathers who informed our idea of relationships with heads of state in the first place.” At press time, the American populace realized they deserved better and should take a break from having a president for a while.


theonion--2020-10-08--Travis Scott Pissed McDonald’s Never Sent Him Coupon Or Anything For Free Travis Scott Meal

LOS ANGELES—Expressing confusion as to why no one from the fast food chain ever reached out , rap artist Travis Scott was reportedly pissed Thursday that McDonald ’ s never sent him a coupon or anything for a free Travis Scott meal .
“ I worked for hours with McDonald ’ s planning the rollout of this thing , so I figured they ’ d at least let me have some free fries , ” said Scott , who scanned his contract for any mention of a discounted Quarter Pounder , as well as double-checked his email to make sure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gotten lost in his spam .
“ Like , was I supposed to invoice them ?
I sent a direct message to their Twitter account asking if I could get a free small Sprite , but no one ever responded .
If it ’ s ‘ my ’ meal , then why didn ’ t I ever get to try it ?
And now that it ’ s not on sale anymore , I ’ ll never get to .
Damn .
This is not lit.
” At press time , Scott was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ artist J Balvin on social media thanking McDonald ’ s for providing him with free J Balvin meals for a year .

LOS ANGELES—Expressing confusion as to why no one from the fast food chain ever reached out, rap artist Travis Scott was reportedly pissed Thursday that McDonald’s never sent him a coupon or anything for a free Travis Scott meal. “I worked for hours with McDonald’s planning the rollout of this thing, so I figured they’d at least let me have some free fries,” said Scott, who scanned his contract for any mention of a discounted Quarter Pounder, as well as double-checked his email to make sure a message from executives hadn’t gotten lost in his spam. “Like, was I supposed to invoice them? I sent a direct message to their Twitter account asking if I could get a free small Sprite, but no one ever responded. If it’s ‘my’ meal, then why didn’t I ever get to try it? And now that it’s not on sale anymore, I’ll never get to. Damn. This is not lit.” At press time, Scott was even angrier after seeing a post from artist J Balvin on social media thanking McDonald’s for providing him with free J Balvin meals for a year.


theonion--2020-10-08--Terrorist Group Benefactor Disappointed To Learn Most Of Donations Go To Covering Administrative Cos

Terrorist Group Benefactor Disappointed To Learn Most Of Donations Go To Covering Administrative Costs

RIYADH , SAUDI ARABIA—Shaking his head while reviewing the organization ’ s annual budget , local terrorist group benefactor Ahmad @ @ @ @ @ learn Thursday that most of his donations go to covering administrative costs .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ , but these funds should go toward suicide vests and stocking up on AK-47s , @ @ @ @ @ , rent , and newspaper subscriptions , ” said al-Yasin , who wondered how much @ @ @ @ @ going toward the group ’ s purported mission statement of waging jihad .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ far as calling them scammers , but I definitely feel like I ’ m being @ @ @ @ @ re having galas ?
They should be blowing up galas !
I didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ my family ’ s oil money into this to be sent a free mug every @ @ @ @ @ come on , go kill some infidels !
” At press time , an inspired @ @ @ @ @ this all as a sign that he should go out and terrorize communities .

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Shaking his head while reviewing the organization’s annual budget, local terrorist group benefactor Ahmad al-Yasin was reportedly disappointed to learn Thursday that most of his donations go to covering administrative costs. “I understand there are overhead costs, but these funds should go toward suicide vests and stocking up on AK-47s, not frittered away on accountants, rent, and newspaper subscriptions,” said al-Yasin, who wondered how much of his money was really going toward the group’s purported mission statement of waging jihad. “I wouldn’t go as far as calling them scammers, but I definitely feel like I’m being ripped off. They’re having galas? They should be blowing up galas! I didn’t pump millions of dollars of my family’s oil money into this to be sent a free mug every year. I mean, come on, go kill some infidels!” At press time, an inspired al-Yasin had decided to take this all as a sign that he should go out and terrorize communities.


theonion--2020-10-08--Microsoft Has Revealed Master Chief’s Teeth And They Are Filthy

In a jaw-dropping reveal at the Onion Gamer ’ s Expo that ’ s almost 20 years in the making , Microsoft just teased Halo Infinite by giving gamers their first-ever glimpse of Master Chief ’ s teeth , and let ’ s just say that these things are absolutely filthy !
Xbox fanboys , looks like your dreams of getting an up-close-and-personal look at the Chief are finally being fulfilled—and his dental hygiene is more upsetting than anyone could have ever predicted .
Ever since we stepped foot into the legendary Spartan ’ s MJOLNIR armor way back in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the single-player campaigns have always left us with the same tantalizing question : What was going on inside that helmet ?
Well , with this sneak peek at the yellowed , cavity-ridden teeth inside of Master Chief ’ s mouth , we ’ re finally getting an answer , albeit a viscerally disturbing one that none of us specifically requested .
Of course , there is a distinct satisfaction to looking over the Chief ’ s gingivitis-plagued gum line and impacted molars and realizing this is the Spartan who saved the human race @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as it is for fans to finally take a gander at the pieces of decayed meat caught up in his bleeding gums and crooked teeth , all of this just raises more tantalizing questions : “ Doesn ’ t Master Chief ever brush his teeth ?
” ; “ Has he considered braces for those repulsive things ?
” ; and “ Isn ’ t he bothered by his apparently severe halitosis while he ’ s cooped up inside that metal suit ?
” At the very least , this answers how the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seeing a dentist even once as he fought countless battles against the Flood , as well as giving gamers a great reminder of how important regular visits with their dental hygienists are .
Plus , getting this close to the Chief ’ s mouth—no matter how repulsive—just makes us more excited than ever to get our hands on Halo : Infinite !
Here ’ s hoping it ’ s worth the wait .
Until then , stay tuned to OGE for all the game reveals you could ever want .

In a jaw-dropping reveal at the Onion Gamer’s Expo that’s almost 20 years in the making, Microsoft just teased Halo Infinite by giving gamers their first-ever glimpse of Master Chief’s teeth, and let’s just say that these things are absolutely filthy!
Xbox fanboys, looks like your dreams of getting an up-close-and-personal look at the Chief are finally being fulfilled—and his dental hygiene is more upsetting than anyone could have ever predicted.
Ever since we stepped foot into the legendary Spartan’s MJOLNIR armor way back in 2001 with Halo: Combat Evolved, the single-player campaigns have always left us with the same tantalizing question: What was going on inside that helmet? Well, with this sneak peek at the yellowed, cavity-ridden teeth inside of Master Chief’s mouth, we’re finally getting an answer, albeit a viscerally disturbing one that none of us specifically requested.
Of course, there is a distinct satisfaction to looking over the Chief’s gingivitis-plagued gum line and impacted molars and realizing this is the Spartan who saved the human race from the Covenant. But as rewarding as it is for fans to finally take a gander at the pieces of decayed meat caught up in his bleeding gums and crooked teeth, all of this just raises more tantalizing questions: “Doesn’t Master Chief ever brush his teeth?”; “Has he considered braces for those repulsive things?”; and “Isn’t he bothered by his apparently severe halitosis while he’s cooped up inside that metal suit?”
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At the very least, this answers how the hero known as John-117 managed to avoid seeing a dentist even once as he fought countless battles against the Flood, as well as giving gamers a great reminder of how important regular visits with their dental hygienists are. Plus, getting this close to the Chief’s mouth—no matter how repulsive—just makes us more excited than ever to get our hands on Halo: Infinite! Here’s hoping it’s worth the wait.
Until then, stay tuned to OGE for all the game reveals you could ever want.


theonion--2020-10-08--Trump Prepares For Next Debate With Help Of Dexamethasone-Induced Hallucinations

WASHINGTON—In an effort to be as rehearsed as possible for the rescheduled rematch against Joe Biden , President Donald Trump was reportedly hard at work preparing for his next debate Thursday with the help of a team of Dexamethasone-induced hallucinations .
“ Biden is definitely going to hammer you for being so big and strong and smart , so be prepared to seize the spotlight , ” said the floating head of Herman Caine , joining a phantasmagorian Kermit The Frog , Richard Nixon , and dozens of other faces flashing through the president ’ s brain to urge Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as the debate stage stopped spinning and materialized from the darkness .
“ Remember , the vice president is going to try and distract you by bursting open into a thousand bats or becoming a giant and swallowing you whole , so be sure to have a pithy response on how to keep our cities safe .
And whatever you do , try not to let the flesh melt off your body until you ’ re only a skeleton like you did during the last practice session , as this could be looked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , the debate prep had been halted after Trump became furious over conflicting advice from a snake-covered George Washington and himself as a two-year-old .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to be as rehearsed as possible for the rescheduled rematch against Joe Biden, President Donald Trump was reportedly hard at work preparing for his next debate Thursday with the help of a team of Dexamethasone-induced hallucinations. “Biden is definitely going to hammer you for being so big and strong and smart, so be prepared to seize the spotlight,” said the floating head of Herman Caine, joining a phantasmagorian Kermit The Frog, Richard Nixon, and dozens of other faces flashing through the president’s brain to urge Trump to get on the offensive as soon as the debate stage stopped spinning and materialized from the darkness. “Remember, the vice president is going to try and distract you by bursting open into a thousand bats or becoming a giant and swallowing you whole, so be sure to have a pithy response on how to keep our cities safe. And whatever you do, try not to let the flesh melt off your body until you’re only a skeleton like you did during the last practice session, as this could be looked upon as a sign of weakness.” At press time, the debate prep had been halted after Trump became furious over conflicting advice from a snake-covered George Washington and himself as a two-year-old.


theonion--2020-10-09--Tasmanian Devils Reintroduced To Australian Mainland

Conservationists are reintroducing Tasmanian devils to the Australian mainland nearly 3,000 years after the carnivorous marsupials were essentially wiped out @ @ @ @ @ and severe dry weather .
What do you think ?
“ Cool , they ’ @ @ @ @ @ my list of animals I want to get attacked by.
” “ I hope they @ @ @ @ @ help them readjust to life on the outside.
” “ If I know Tasmanian devils @ @ @ @ @ do , they ’ re probably gon na blow this opportunity immediately .
”

Conservationists are reintroducing Tasmanian devils to the Australian mainland nearly 3,000 years after the carnivorous marsupials were essentially wiped out by dingoes, humans, and severe dry weather. What do you think?
“Cool, they ’re at the top of my list of animals I want to get attacked by.” Gary Hicks • Tandem Bicyclist
“I hope they have steps in place to help them readjust to life on the outside.” Rebecca Fletcher • Bonfire Expert
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theonion--2020-10-09--Someone Needs To Explain: The Upcoming Games In The ‘Mario,’ ‘GTA,’ and ‘Metal Gear Solid’ Series Ar

Someone Needs To Explain: The Upcoming Games In The ‘Mario,’ ‘GTA,’ and ‘Metal Gear Solid’ Series Are All Called ‘The Sands Of Time’

Okay gamers , here at OGN , we pride ourselves on providing the most comprehensive look at the much- anticipated video games .
But now we have a piece of truly perplexing news that we ’ re going to need someone to sort out for us .
Today , in separate press conferences , the biggest publishers in the world just revealed that the upcoming installments in the Super Mario , Grand Theft Auto , and Metal Gear Solid franchises are somehow all subtitled “ The Sands of Time ” ?
Your guess is as good as ours , gamers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
While we ’ re incredibly excited to have Nintendo , Rockstar Games , and Hideo Kojima all taking the stage on the same day , we ’ re also having a tremendous amount of trouble wrapping our heads around why each of the developers ’ latest games seems to be named after the 2003 action-platformer set in ancient Persia—or are they ?
We really have no idea .
It ’ s especially confusing given that most of the titles in some way makes use of an hourglass in the graphic .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mistake if it only happened to be one of these companies that adopted the “ Sands of Time ” suffix .
But all three ?
It just doesn ’ t make any sense .
Super Mario : Sands of Time .
Grand Theft Auto : The Sands of Time .
Metal Gear Solid : The Sands of Time .
We ’ re not going to act like these aren ’ t cool titles .
They definitely are .
But we ’ d assume that Ubisoft would have the exclusive rights to that phrase @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any other game developer want to associate their games with such an iconic phrase ?
It ’ s simply not possible that nobody at any of these three major video game companies had ever heard of the original “ Sands of Time ” game .
That was one of the most popular titles of the sixth console generation .
Does anyone understand how this could have happened ?
Anyone ?
We ’ re just going to go ahead and assume that each game has some sort of time-travel element too , but why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could all three of them possibly use this mechanic in an inventive way ?
Please don ’ t take our confusion as negativity , gamers .
These are huge announcements for some of the most popular franchises in video game history .
We ’ re talking about a new Metal Gear Solid , a series long thought dead since Kojima ’ s departure from Konami .
And new titles in Mario and Grand Theft Auto ?
This is incredibly exciting stuff .
All we ’ re saying is that it ’ s kind @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them would choose to have a title that had already been used 17 years ago .
We reached out to programmers at Nintendo , Rockstar , and Konami about it , but they refused to respond and seemed genuinely angry that we questioned this baffling decision .
Are they fucking with us ?
Seriously , gamers , if anyone knows what the hell is going on here please let us know .
Maybe there ’ s some sort of movement to establish “ Sands of Time ” as its own video game genre @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about ?
Or for some reason , all future video ga mes will be named after Prince Of Persia games or Jake Gyllenhaal films ?
Whatever the truth is , we ’ re confused but prepared to enjoy these awesome new games alongside the just announced Prince of Persia : The Origami King .

Okay gamers, here at OGN, we pride ourselves on providing the most comprehensive look at the much- anticipated video games. But now we have a piece of truly perplexing news that we’re going to need someone to sort out for us. Today, in separate press conferences, the biggest publishers in the world just revealed that the upcoming installments in the Super Mario, Grand Theft Auto, and Metal Gear Solid franchises are somehow all subtitled “ The Sands of Time” ?
Your guess is as good as ours, gamers. We got nothing on this one.
While we’re incredibly excited to have Nintendo, Rockstar Games, and Hideo Kojima all taking the stage on the same day, we’re also having a tremendous amount of trouble wrapping our heads around why each of the developers’ latest games seems to be named after the 2003 action-platformer set in ancient Persia—or are they? We really have no idea.
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It’s especially confusing given that most of the titles in some way makes use of an hourglass in the graphic. You could argue that it was just a mistake if it only happened to be one of these companies that adopted the “Sands of Time” suffix. But all three? It just doesn’t make any sense.
Super Mario: Sands of Time. Grand Theft Auto: The Sands of Time. Metal Gear Solid: The Sands of Time. We’re not going to act like these aren’t cool titles. They definitely are. But we’d assume that Ubisoft would have the exclusive rights to that phrase. Even if not, why would any other game developer want to associate their games with such an iconic phrase? It’s simply not possible that nobody at any of these three major video game companies had ever heard of the original “Sands of Time” game. That was one of the most popular titles of the sixth console generation.
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Does anyone understand how this could have happened? Anyone?
We’re just going to go ahead and assume that each game has some sort of time-travel element too, but why would these publishers do that? How could all three of them possibly use this mechanic in an inventive way?
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Please don’t take our confusion as negativity, gamers. These are huge announcements for some of the most popular franchises in video game history. We’re talking about a new Metal Gear Solid, a series long thought dead since Kojima’s departure from Konami. And new titles in Mario and Grand Theft Auto? This is incredibly exciting stuff. All we’re saying is that it’s kind of incomprehensible why any single one of them would choose to have a title that had already been used 17 years ago.
We reached out to programmers at Nintendo, Rockstar, and Konami about it, but they refused to respond and seemed genuinely angry that we questioned this baffling decision.
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Are they fucking with us?
Seriously, gamers, if anyone knows what the hell is going on here please let us know. Maybe there’s some sort of movement to establish “Sands of Time” as its own video game genre subset that we don’t know about? Or for some reason, all future video ga mes will be named after Prince Of Persia games or Jake Gyllenhaal films? Whatever the truth is, we’re confused but prepared to enjoy these awesome new games alongside the just announced Prince of Persia: The Origami King.


theonion--2020-10-09--FBI Charges 6 In Violent Plot To Kidnap Michigan Governor

The FBI has charged 6 men for plotting to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer and overthrow the state government , @ @ @ @ @ have charged 7 other men in connection to the case who sought to ignite a @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ Sou nds like Governo r Whitmer has 13 voters to win @ @ @ @ @ What part of ‘ stand back and stand by ’ did these idiots not understand @ @ @ @ @ ’ t feel too bad , no one overthrows the government on their first try @ @

The FBI has charged 6 men for plotting to kidnap Michigan governor Gretchen Whitmer and overthrow the state government, while state authorities say they have charged 7 other men in connection to the case who sought to ignite a civil war. What do you think?
“Sou nds like Governo r Whitmer has 13 voters to win over before reelection.” Misha Albanese • Boat Valet
“What part of ‘stand back and stand by’ did these idiots not understand?” Josh Dengel • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-10-09--Hundreds Of Cane-Wielding Demonstrators Pull Governor Into Kickline To Protest Broadway Shutdown

ALBANY , NY—Expressing outrage that the theater district would remain closed at least through next May , cane-wielding , top-hatted @ @ @ @ @ Andrew Cuomo into a kickline Friday to protest the Broadway shutdown .
“ Step-ball-change , @ @ @ @ @ scores of protestors dressed in sequined tuxedos and tails , beginning in a stage whisper @ @ @ @ @ as they jazz squared around the governor and pulled him into a full-on dance number @ @ @ @ @ want ?
Broadway open !
When do we want it ?
In a-one-and-a-two-and-a-three !
” @ @ @ @ @ had briefly escaped the crowd before protestors lifted him above their heads and spun him @ @ @ @ @ grand finale .

ALBANY, NY—Expressing outrage that the theater district would remain closed at least through next May, cane-wielding, top-hatted demonstrators pulled New York governor Andrew Cuomo into a kickline Friday to protest the Broadway shutdown. “Step-ball-change, step-ball-change,” chanted the scores of protestors dressed in sequined tuxedos and tails, beginning in a stage whisper before growing louder and louder as they jazz squared around the governor and pulled him into a full-on dance number. “What do we want? Broadway open! When do we want it? In a-one-and-a-two-and-a-three!” At press time, Cuomo had briefly escaped the crowd before protestors lifted him above their heads and spun him in the air for the grand finale.


theonion--2020-10-09--Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wa

Overwhelmed White Nationalist Militia Spread Way Too Thin Plotting Attacks Against Everyone Trump Wants

WAUSAU , WI—Complaining that it was unrealistic to expect their small , grassroots terror organization to foment civil war on so many fronts at once , overwhelmed members of a local white nationalist militia stated Friday they were stretched to the limit trying to attack everyone the president wants them to .
“ So , just looking at what President Trump would like from us right now , we ’ re supposed to kidnap several congresswomen in Washington , run over some protestors in Louisville , and blow up a mosque in Minneapolis—how is it possible for a handful of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Dennis Blanchard , commander of the Badger State Brigade , who stressed that his five-member pro-Trump vigilante group was still very committed to the ideal of a white ethnostate , but had really overextended itself by trying to oust 10 state governments at the same time .
“ Look , I ’ m a motivated guy , but if I ’ m locked and loaded and en-route to CNN headquarters in New York , don ’ t tweet about something that ’ s going on in California , because I just can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re exhausted enough as it is .
We ’ ve already got training camps to run , weapons to stockpile , polls to watch , online recruits to groom .
It would really help us out a lot if the president could stay focused.
” At press time , the domestic terrorists had reportedly decided to just drive down to Kenosha , plant a half dozen incendiary devices in urban neighborhoods , and call it a day .

WAUSAU, WI—Complaining that it was unrealistic to expect their small, grassroots terror organization to foment civil war on so many fronts at once, overwhelmed members of a local white nationalist militia stated Friday they were stretched to the limit trying to attack everyone the president wants them to. “So, just looking at what President Trump would like from us right now, we’re supposed to kidnap several congresswomen in Washington, run over some protestors in Louisville, and blow up a mosque in Minneapolis—how is it possible for a handful of guys to do all that?” said Dennis Blanchard, commander of the Badger State Brigade, who stressed that his five-member pro-Trump vigilante group was still very committed to the ideal of a white ethnostate, but had really overextended itself by trying to oust 10 state governments at the same time. “Look, I’m a motivated guy, but if I’m locked and loaded and en-route to CNN headquarters in New York, don’t tweet about something that’s going on in California, because I just can’t be there. We’re exhausted enough as it is. We’ve already got training camps to run, weapons to stockpile, polls to watch, online recruits to groom. It would really help us out a lot if the president could stay focused.” At press time, the domestic terrorists had reportedly decided to just drive down to Kenosha, plant a half dozen incendiary devices in urban neighborhoods, and call it a day.


theonion--2020-10-09--Braves Manager Reminds Acuña That Being Hit By A Pitch Just How Pitchers Show They Like-Like You

ATLANTA—Promising that the Miami Marlins did not hate him and that he had done nothing wrong , Atlanta Braves manager @ @ @ @ @ Acuña Friday that being hit by a pitch is just how pitchers show they like-like @ @ @ @ @ just like that , they ’ re shy and don ’ t always say things @ @ @ @ @ just means they secretly like you , ” said Snitker , who told Acuña that @ @ @ @ @ probably make fun of the pitchers if they admitted they liked him out loud .
@ @ @ @ @ at your chin because pitchers are immature at this age .
They are just scared @ @ @ @ @ so they lash out by throwing 100-mile-per-hour fastballs at your head .
If they didn @ @ @ @ @ they would just ignore you and walk you.
” At press time , Acuña was @ @ @ @ @ he would never like a “ skinny bitch ” like Sandy Alcántara and anyone who @ @ @ @ @ .

ATLANTA—Promising that the Miami Marlins did not hate him and that he had done nothing wrong, Atlanta Braves manager Brian Snitker reminded outfielder Ronald Acuña Friday that being hit by a pitch is just how pitchers show they like-like you. “Pitchers are just like that, they’re shy and don’t always say things out loud, but that just means they secretly like you,” said Snitker, who told Acuña that the other Braves players would probably make fun of the pitchers if they admitted they liked him out loud. “They just throw it at your chin because pitchers are immature at this age. They are just scared to admit they like you so they lash out by throwing 100-mile-per-hour fastballs at your head. If they didn’t like you, they would just ignore you and walk you.” At press time, Acuña was recording a TikTok video saying he would never like a “skinny bitch” like Sandy Alcántara and anyone who said so is a liar.


theonion--2020-10-09--Wisconsin Reports Zero Evidence Of Voter Fraud In Ballots They’ve Thrown Out So Far

MADISON , WI—Assuaging concerns that the 2020 election could be swayed by widespread misconduct , Wisconsin officials reported Friday zero evidence of voter fraud in ballots they ’ ve thrown out so far .
“ We ’ ve looked at and discarded thousands of ballots over the past week , and in no instances have we found any attempt on the part of voters to submit fraudulent ballots , ” said Wisconsin State Assembly Speaker Robin Vos , adding that every single ballot the election commission put in large boxes and drove to a warehouse where they will sit uncounted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Every one of the ballots we ’ ve eliminated had no signs of tampering and were filled out properly .
There aren ’ t any efforts of submitting the ballots of deceased Wisconsin residents or by people trying to vote multiple times that we could see before we tossed them in the trash .
This just goes to show that concerns about voter fraud have been way overblown .
It ’ s ver y encouraging.
” Wisconsin officials added that their examination of votes did find a negligible 0.05 % of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

MADISON, WI—Assuaging concerns that the 2020 election could be swayed by widespread misconduct, Wisconsin officials reported Friday zero evidence of voter fraud in ballots they’ve thrown out so far. “We’ve looked at and discarded thousands of ballots over the past week, and in no instances have we found any attempt on the part of voters to submit fraudulent ballots,” said Wisconsin State Assembly Speaker Robin Vos, adding that every single ballot the election commission put in large boxes and drove to a warehouse where they will sit uncounted through the election appeared to be legitimate. “Every one of the ballots we’ve eliminated had no signs of tampering and were filled out properly. There aren’t any efforts of submitting the ballots of deceased Wisconsin residents or by people trying to vote multiple times that we could see before we tossed them in the trash. This just goes to show that concerns about voter fraud have been way overblown. It’s very encouraging.” Wisconsin officials added that their examination of votes did find a negligible 0.05% of ballots that they were going to count.