theonion--2020-05-13--Family Can Trace Ancestry Back To Whatever The Hell Grandma Was Talking About

MARBLEHEAD , MA—Explaining the limited extent of their genealogical knowledge , members of the Dunbar family confirmed Wednesday that they could trace their ancestry back to whatever the hell it was that grandma was always talking about .
“ We start to lose track of our family origins around the time that Grammy always yammered on about when she immigrated from some boring country , wherever that was , ” said family member Lacie Dunbar , adding that the matriarch had almost certainly come from somewhere in Europe , and there was a whole thing with her wedding to Grampy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any of the specifics .
“ She grew up poor or had a tough time or something , I ’ m pretty sure , but that doesn ’ t narrow it down .
She constantly went on and on with these repetitive stories about the food and stuff she did as a kid .
And we ’ ve seen some old photos of her but she was just standing in a field , so that could be basically anywhere .
I think we have an uncle somewhere in Florida that might have some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ think about it , he might be on the other side of the family.
” At press time , Dunbar told reporters she was just going to tell people she was Irish .

MARBLEHEAD, MA—Explaining the limited extent of their genealogical knowledge, members of the Dunbar family confirmed Wednesday that they could trace their ancestry back to whatever the hell it was that grandma was always talking about. “We start to lose track of our family origins around the time that Grammy always yammered on about when she immigrated from some boring country, wherever that was,” said family member Lacie Dunbar, adding that the matriarch had almost certainly come from somewhere in Europe, and there was a whole thing with her wedding to Grampy, but she couldn’t recall any of the specifics. “She grew up poor or had a tough time or something, I’m pretty sure, but that doesn’t narrow it down. She constantly went on and on with these repetitive stories about the food and stuff she did as a kid. And we’ve seen some old photos of her but she was just standing in a field, so that could be basically anywhere. I think we have an uncle somewhere in Florida that might have some more info, although now that I think about it, he might be on the other side of the family.” At press time, Dunbar told reporters she was just going to tell people she was Irish.


theonion--2020-05-13--Prize Hog Doesn’t Know How She Can Retain Competition-Ready Body For Another Year

HEDRICK , IA—After the upcoming county fair and its swine show were postponed indefinitely due to the coronavirus pandemic , sources confirmed Wednesday that prize hog Myrtle doesn ’ t know how she can retain her competition-ready body for another year .
“ I ’ ve been training for months with a very strict feeding and sleeping regimen and was feeling really good , so it ’ s pretty frustrating that all that preparation was for nothing , ” said the 7-month-old sow , who worried she would lose any chance to build on her blue ribbon from a local @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out on ever being able to compete on the county fair stage .
“ By the time they allow competitions again , I ’ m afraid I ’ ll be past my prime .
It takes a lot of work carefully building up my girth and stamina to peak right when competitions happen .
It ’ s not like I can keep up this level of flab on my frame in the long term .
Jeez , and I even learned to juggle , too.
” The prize hog added that she was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ learning that the coronavirus was causing a pork shortage and observing that her owner was firing up the family smoker .

HEDRICK, IA—After the upcoming county fair and its swine show were postponed indefinitely due to the coronavirus pandemic, sources confirmed Wednesday that prize hog Myrtle doesn’t know how she can retain her competition-ready body for another year. “I’ve been training for months with a very strict feeding and sleeping regimen and was feeling really good, so it’s pretty frustrating that all that preparation was for nothing,” said the 7-month-old sow, who worried she would lose any chance to build on her blue ribbon from a local 4-H competition in early March and miss out on ever being able to compete on the county fair stage. “By the time they allow competitions again, I’m afraid I’ll be past my prime. It takes a lot of work carefully building up my girth and stamina to peak right when competitions happen. It’s not like I can keep up this level of flab on my frame in the long term. Jeez, and I even learned to juggle, too.” The prize hog added that she was especially concerned for her competitive future after learning that the coronavirus was causing a pork shortage and observing that her owner was firing up the family smoker.


theonion--2020-05-13--10 Over-The-Top Letters From The Alphabet

F : Evidently F has no problem going out in public looking like a drag queen from Mars .

F: Evidently F has no problem going out in public looking like a drag queen from Mars.


theonion--2020-05-13--Disgusting Bigotry: The Media Is Only Blaming This Bat For Coronavirus Because He’s A Gamer

Politicians and reporters have long used video games as a scapegoat for policy failures and broader societal missteps .
Sadly , it looks like that pattern of bigotry towards gamers—long a source of contention in the industry—has even extended to the recent Covid-19 pandemic .
Indeed , in an all-too-predictable development , recent articles have started to pin the virus ’ s transmission on a Chinese bat that has clearly been targeted solely because of his identification as a gamer .
Raise your hands if you saw this one coming from a mile away .
For years , clueless members @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mass shootings and cultural degeneracy , despite a total lack of scientific evidence to back up their claims .
So , it should come as no surprise that reporters would jump at the first evidence that this Hubei Province-based bat was a long-time fan of the Gears of War series , unfairly casting him as responsible for the deaths of 290,000 people worldwide .
It ’ s certainly an intriguing possibility , doubly so as it plays directly into the anti-gamer bigotries that the media has perpetuated for decades .
Here ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Simply put , there ’ s nothing about playing Bloodborne or streaming StarCraft II matches that would make a Chinese bat—or any bat for that matter—more likely to originate and transmit a globally ravaging disease .
There isn ’ t a single piece of evidence for this .
Not one .
But that doesn ’ t matter to the click-driven news media who know conjuring an image of some innocent nocturnal mammal wearing a gaming headset while booting up Fortnite will drive clicks to their site .
And , hey , that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Not the truth , which is that no studies have ever definitively linked gaming to starting a viral pandemic that ravages the world economy .
Or a dedication to journalistic standards , which would dictate that reporters interview gaming icons like Shigeru Miyamoto and Sid Meier in their coronavirus coverage to balance out quotes from the notoriously anti-video game World Health Organization .
Or even that this sort of reporting could destroy the life of a young Wuhan bat forever simply because he enjoys video games .
Nope , all that matters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it makes us sick .
But we here at OGN will still continue to fight for a day when any individual—human , bat , or otherwise—can enjoy video games without being condemned and shamed by the world ’ s close-minded pundits and politicians out there .
Until that day comes , we must all speak up for victims of hatred like this bat , and let the world know we gamers will not stand for mistreatment .

Politicians and reporters have long used video games as a scapegoat for policy failures and broader societal missteps. Sadly, it looks like that pattern of bigotry towards gamers—long a source of contention in the industry—has even extended to the recent Covid-19 pandemic. Indeed, in an all-too-predictable development, recent articles have started to pin the virus’s transmission on a Chinese bat that has clearly been targeted solely because of his identification as a gamer.
Raise your hands if you saw this one coming from a mile away.
For years, clueless members of the media have blamed gamers for mass shootings and cultural degeneracy, despite a total lack of scientific evidence to back up their claims. So, it should come as no surprise that reporters would jump at the first evidence that this Hubei Province-based bat was a long-time fan of the Gears of War series, unfairly casting him as responsible for the deaths of 290,000 people worldwide. It’s certainly an intriguing possibility, doubly so as it plays directly into the anti-gamer bigotries that the media has perpetuated for decades.
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Here’s the problem: They have no proof.
Simply put, there’s nothing about playing Bloodborne or streaming StarCraft II matches that would make a Chinese bat—or any bat for that matter—more likely to originate and transmit a globally ravaging disease. There isn’t a single piece of evidence for this. Not one. But that doesn’t matter to the click-driven news media who know conjuring an image of some innocent nocturnal mammal wearing a gaming headset while booting up Fortnite will drive clicks to their site.
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And, hey, that’s all that matters, right? Not the truth, which is that no studies have ever definitively linked gaming to starting a viral pandemic that ravages the world economy. Or a dedication to journalistic standards, which would dictate that reporters interview gaming icons like Shigeru Miyamoto and Sid Meier in their coronavirus coverage to balance out quotes from the notoriously anti-video game World Health Organization. Or even that this sort of reporting could destroy the life of a young Wuhan bat forever simply because he enjoys video games. Nope, all that matters is clicks to these people.
Frankly, it makes us sick. But we here at OGN will still continue to fight for a day when any individual—human, bat, or otherwise—can enjoy video games without being condemned and shamed by the world’s close-minded pundits and politicians out there. Until that day comes, we must all speak up for victims of hatred like this bat, and let the world know we gamers will not stand for mistreatment.


theonion--2020-05-13--What To Know About The Killing Of Ahmaud Arbery

The February 23 fatal shooting of Georgia man Ahmaud Arbery and the arrests of two white suspects two months later have drawn national attention for the nature of the crime and public officials ’ handling of the case , particularly after video evidence of the killing became public .
The Onion looks at what you need to know about the killing of Ahmaud Arbery .
Q : Why did neighbors initially call 911 on Arbery ?
A : Witnesses reported seeing him .
Q : Who are the shooting suspects ?
A : Travis McMichael and his father , Gregory @ @ @ @ @ @ @ retiring from the police force beforehand .
Q : Why did it take over two months to bring charges ?
A : Brunswick County officials first wanted to conduct a complete and thorough exoneration .
Q : What grounds have the suspects argued for the shooting ?
A : That they didn ’ t expect to have to justify it .
Q : What actions do Georgia ’ s “ Stand Your Ground ” law protect ?
A : State law allows the use of deadly force by citizens who feel threatened by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ United States .
Q : What are people saying about the footage ?
A : Comments have been turned off for this video .
Q : Why have news outlets published details concerning unrelated dealings with the law in Arbery ’ s past ?
A : Newspapers know it ’ s essential their readers receive the fully biased story .
Q : What are we doing to prevent something like this from happening again ?
A : America ’ s top scientists are working around the clock to determine the precise speed at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ appearing like a threat .

The February 23 fatal shooting of Georgia man Ahmaud Arbery and the arrests of two white suspects two months later have drawn national attention for the nature of the crime and public officials’ handling of the case, particularly after video evidence of the killing became public. The Onion looks at what you need to know about the killing of Ahmaud Arbery.
Q: Why did neighbors initially call 911 on Arbery?
A: Witnesses reported seeing him.
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Q: Who are the shooting suspects?
A: Travis McMichael and his father, Gregory, who made the tragic mistake of retiring from the police force beforehand.
Q: Why did it take over two months to bring charges?
A: Brunswick County officials first wanted to conduct a complete and thorough exoneration.
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Q: What grounds have the suspects argued for the shooting?
A: That they didn’t expect to have to justify it.
Q: What actions do Georgia’s “Stand Your Ground” law protect?
A: State law allows the use of deadly force by citizens who feel threatened by the increasingly racially diverse makeup of the United States.
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Q: What are people saying about the footage?
A: Comments have been turned off for this video.
Q: Why have news outlets published details concerning unrelated dealings with the law in Arbery’s past?
A: Newspapers know it’s essential their readers receive the fully biased story.
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Q: What are we doing to prevent something like this from happening again?
A: America’s top scientists are working around the clock to determine the precise speed at which a black man can move without appearing like a threat.


theonion--2020-05-13--Eric Trump Requests Meeting With Barron To Determine Whether They Are Uncle And Nephew Or Brothers O

Eric Trump Requests Meeting With Barron To Determine Whether They Are Uncle And Nephew Or Brothers Or What

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to solve a longstanding source of confusion , Eric Trump reportedly requested a formal meeting with Barron Trump Wednesday to determine whether they are uncle and nephew or brothers or what .
“ Dear sur [ sic ] , so I know we both have the same last name , which is Trump , so does that make you my cousin or what ?
If you no [ sic ] please right [ sic ] back , ” wrote Eric Trump in an email draft , calling for a summit to establish if they were grandfather and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or friend-in-laws.
“ Ivanka is your mom , right ?
I tried to ask my dad but he just yelled that he didn ’ t know either .
Maybe we ’ re both godfathers to Don Jr. , but then does that make Tiffany my wife .
Honestly , maybe we should do a T and A test [ sic ] and see if that helps us figure this out .
Okay , just let me know where you live .
Also , I could use help sending this email if you get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Eric had concluded that they were both step brothers from the marriage of Marla Maples and Jared Kushner .

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to solve a longstanding source of confusion, Eric Trump reportedly requested a formal meeting with Barron Trump Wednesday to determine whether they are uncle and nephew or brothers or what. “Dear sur [sic], so I know we both have the same last name, which is Trump, so does that make you my cousin or what? If you no [sic] please right [sic] back,” wrote Eric Trump in an email draft, calling for a summit to establish if they were grandfather and grandson, second uncles, coworkers, or friend-in-laws.“Ivanka is your mom, right? I tried to ask my dad but he just yelled that he didn’t know either. Maybe we’re both godfathers to Don Jr., but then does that make Tiffany my wife. Honestly, maybe we should do a T and A test [sic] and see if that helps us figure this out. Okay, just let me know where you live. Also, I could use help sending this email if you get a chance.” At press time, Eric had concluded that they were both step brothers from the marriage of Marla Maples and Jared Kushner.


theonion--2020-05-13--Episode Of Cooking Show Implying Pastry Chefs Some Sort Of Oppressed Minority

LOS ANGELES—Insinuating that there exists a social ladder upon which people who prepare gourmet desserts for a living occupy the @ @ @ @ @ episode of the Bravo series Top Chef strongly implied that pastry chefs were some sort @ @ @ @ @ Everyone is underestimating me because I trained as a pâtissier , but I know I @ @ @ @ @ rivals , ” said Ryan Calbert , a contestant on the show who graduated from @ @ @ @ @ in Paris , speaking as if he belonged to a marginalized group and had faced @ @ @ @ @ who prepared sweet dishes rather than savory ones .
“ Everyone looks at me and @ @ @ @ @ makes cakes and cookies .
Well , I ’ m going to change a few @ @ @ @ @ ’ m finished here .
Pastry chefs can do anything anyone else can do .
@ @ @ @ @ I ’ ll prove it.
” Reports confirmed that by the episode ’ s end @ @ @ @ @ and been eliminated for the season .

LOS ANGELES—Insinuating that there exists a social ladder upon which people who prepare gourmet desserts for a living occupy the lowest rung, a recent episode of the Bravo series Top Chef strongly implied that pastry chefs were some sort of oppressed minority. “Everyone is underestimating me because I trained as a pâtissier, but I know I can stand toe-to-toe with my rivals,” said Ryan Calbert, a contestant on the show who graduated from the prestigious Ferrandi culinary school in Paris, speaking as if he belonged to a marginalized group and had faced grave prejudice as a chef who prepared sweet dishes rather than savory ones. “Everyone looks at me and just sees a guy who makes cakes and cookies. Well, I’m going to change a few attitudes by the time I’m finished here. Pastry chefs can do anything anyone else can do. Give me a shot and I’ll prove it.” Reports confirmed that by the episode’s end Calbert had lost a challenge and been eliminated for the season.


theonion--2020-05-13--Pennsylvania Becomes 3rd State To Fully Outlaw Child Marriage

Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf signed a bill banning anyone under 18 from obtaining a marriage license , ending a previous @ @ @ @ @ 17-year-olds to marry with parental consent and making Pennsylvania one of just three states to @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Ugh , as if it weren ’ t already @ @ @ @ @ One.
” “ I suppose an extra year or so of grooming won ’ t @ @ @

Pennsylvania governor Tom Wolf signed a bill banning anyone under 18 from obtaining a marriage license, ending a previous exception that allowed 16- and 17-year-olds to marry with parental consent and making Pennsylvania one of just three states to fully ban child marriages. What do you think?
“Who are these child brides supposed to marry then?” Chris Shimizu • Systems Analyst
“Ugh, as if it weren’t already hard enough to find The One.” Beth Melman • Boxing Ring Janitor
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theonion--2020-05-13--Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January

Did the White House act soon enough ?
That ’ s the question being asked today after this report revealed @ @ @ @ @ been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year .
You can find @ @ @ @ @ , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Did the White House act soon enough? That’s the question being asked today after this report revealed the Trump administration may have been ignoring tell-tale apocalyptic signs since the beginning of the year.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-14--Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters

TALLAHASSEE , FL—Proclaiming that he simply could not allow people to remain in their homes any longer , Florida Gov .
Ron DeSantis announced Thursday he had deployed the National Guard to force state residents back into shopping malls , movie theaters , restaurants , and other public spaces .
“ Today I have ordered both the Army and Air National Guards to do whatever is necessary to ensure every person in the Sunshine State is fully participating in this economy , ” said DeSantis , who issued a new directive making it illegal for the total number of shoppers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Beyond to dip below 90 % of fire code capacity , or for anyone to refuse to attend sold-out screenings of Trolls World Tour .
“ As governor , it is my duty to preserve the Florida we all know and love by requiring our 21 million residents to break quarantine so they can once again eat at Buffalo Wild Wings and shop at Aéropostale .
Effective immediately , we will also be authorizing members of the reserve force to employ a variety of nonlethal and lethal methods to compel Floridians to frequent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trampoline parks.
” At press time , reports confirmed an F-16 from the 159th Fighter Squadron had dropped a bomb on citizens in a Jacksonville Sunglass Hut who had refused to try on the latest in Ray-Bans .

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Proclaiming that he simply could not allow people to remain in their homes any longer, Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis announced Thursday he had deployed the National Guard to force state residents back into shopping malls, movie theaters, restaurants, and other public spaces. “Today I have ordered both the Army and Air National Guards to do whatever is necessary to ensure every person in the Sunshine State is fully participating in this economy,” said DeSantis, who issued a new directive making it illegal for the total number of shoppers in a Bed, Bath, and Beyond to dip below 90% of fire code capacity, or for anyone to refuse to attend sold-out screenings of Trolls World Tour. “As governor, it is my duty to preserve the Florida we all know and love by requiring our 21 million residents to break quarantine so they can once again eat at Buffalo Wild Wings and shop at Aéropostale. Effective immediately, we will also be authorizing members of the reserve force to employ a variety of nonlethal and lethal methods to compel Floridians to frequent hair salons, roller rinks, and trampoline parks.” At press time, reports confirmed an F-16 from the 159th Fighter Squadron had dropped a bomb on citizens in a Jacksonville Sunglass Hut who had refused to try on the latest in Ray-Bans.


113-Year-Old Beats Coronavirus

Maria Branyas , a supercentenarian believed to be the oldest woman in Spain , confirmed in a video that she @ @ @ @ @ of coronavirus , saying that “ in terms of my health I am fine , @ @ @ @ @ that anyone can have.
” What do you think ?
“ Imagine su rviving the @ @ @ @ @ wars , and the coronavirus only to die of being super old.
” “ Now @ @ @ @ @ , she should be allowed to go back to work .
”

Maria Branyas, a supercentenarian believed to be the oldest woman in Spain, confirmed in a video that she has survived a mild case of coronavirus, saying that “in terms of my health I am fine, with the same minor annoyances that anyone can have.” What do you think?
“Imagine su rviving the Spanish flu, two world wars, and the coronavirus only to die of being super old.” Rayna Fenner • Piggy Bank Smasher
“God, that’s so humiliating for the coronavirus.” Douglas Bogue • Silica Packet Vendor
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theonion--2020-05-14--Police Still Investigating What Happened Between Officer Discharging Weapon And Suspect’s Head Explo

Police Still Investigating What Happened Between Officer Discharging Weapon And Suspect’s Head Exploding

NEW YORK—Telling reporters that the department was doing everything it could to search for answers , the NYPD confirmed Thursday that it was still investigating what occurred between an officer discharging his weapon and a suspect ’ s head exploding .
“ What we know is that officers on the scene had an interaction with an African American individual that led one of them to fire his gun , and then some time later , the individual ’ s head came clean off his body in a way that would be consistent with damage from a projectile , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an internal investigative team was still trying to piece together what occurred in those crucial milliseconds after the gun went off but before the suspect ’ s skull completely shattered .
“ Unfortunately , statements from the dozens of eye witnesses and the three officers on the scene have thus far proven inconclusive .
While the perp appears to have been completely unarmed at the time of his head exploding , we can report with certainty that the individual in question had been picked up several times in the past for suspicion of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to malfunctioning body cameras , they were unlikely to ever fully solve the mystery of how the deceased suspect ’ s body came to have an additional 15 rounds fired into it .

NEW YORK—Telling reporters that the department was doing everything it could to search for answers, the NYPD confirmed Thursday that it was still investigating what occurred between an officer discharging his weapon and a suspect’s head exploding. “What we know is that officers on the scene had an interaction with an African American individual that led one of them to fire his gun, and then some time later, the individual’s head came clean off his body in a way that would be consistent with damage from a projectile,” said Police Commissioner Dermot Shea, noting that an internal investigative team was still trying to piece together what occurred in those crucial milliseconds after the gun went off but before the suspect’s skull completely shattered. “Unfortunately, statements from the dozens of eye witnesses and the three officers on the scene have thus far proven inconclusive. While the perp appears to have been completely unarmed at the time of his head exploding, we can report with certainty that the individual in question had been picked up several times in the past for suspicion of marijuana possession.” Shea added that due to malfunctioning body cameras, they were unlikely to ever fully solve the mystery of how the deceased suspect’s body came to have an additional 15 rounds fired into it.


theonion--2020-05-14--11 Greatest Sports Moments Made Possible By PEDs

The Catch ( 1982 ) : Having taken the ball at their own 11-yard line , the 49ers needed to @ @ @ @ @ to defeat the Dallas Cowboys in the 1982 NFC Championship Game .
With 58 seconds @ @ @ @ @ quarterback Joe Montana was chased to the sideline by several Cowboys players , but managed @ @ @ @ @ to the back of the end zone , which receiver Dwight Clark caught with his @ @ @ @ @ air .
Both Montana and Clark were artificially strengthened with human growth hormone personally administered @ @ @ @ @ .

The Catch (1982): Having taken the ball at their own 11-yard line, the 49ers needed to score a touchdown in order to defeat the Dallas Cowboys in the 1982 NFC Championship Game. With 58 seconds left on the clock, quarterback Joe Montana was chased to the sideline by several Cowboys players, but managed to throw a last-ditch pass to the back of the end zone, which receiver Dwight Clark caught with his fingertips while leaping into the air. Both Montana and Clark were artificially strengthened with human growth hormone personally administered by famed coach Bill Walsh.


theonion--2020-05-14--Updated Patriot Act Finally Legalizes 80% Of Current FBI Operations

WASHINGTON—In a 59-37 vote that reauthorized provisions from the 2001 legislation and added several new measures , Congress reportedly passed an updated Patriot Act Wednesday that finally legalized 80 % of current FBI operations .
“ The newly upheld Patriot Act augments current surveillance practices by expanding into several areas where the FBI was already operating , ” said Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ( R-KY ) , adding that the GOP-led Senate struck down an amendment to prohibit warrantless searches of Americans ’ internet browsing histories in order to give U.S. intelligence agencies the legal latitude to do what they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ The original Patriot Act took a huge step in giving legal protection to a lot of traditional FBI tactics that had been illegal up until then .
This is an important next step in authorizing the vast majority of illegal FBI operations on the internet , the same way we did with searching on telephones .
The men and women of the FBI are just trying to do their jobs , yet have had to operate under conditions where they collect private information and search Americans ’ private data while fearing for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ increase the FBI ’ s productivity since agents won ’ t have to waste so much time covering their trails or dealing with the occasional lawsuit .
Finally , the restrictive measures of previous internet-related legislation will no longer be the circumvented law of the land.
” McConnell expressed hope that the remaining 20 % of FBI operations not legalized through the expanded Patriot Act would be addressed in an upcoming bill .

WASHINGTON—In a 59-37 vote that reauthorized provisions from the 2001 legislation and added several new measures, Congress reportedly passed an updated Patriot Act Wednesday that finally legalized 80% of current FBI operations. “The newly upheld Patriot Act augments current surveillance practices by expanding into several areas where the FBI was already operating,” said Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that the GOP-led Senate struck down an amendment to prohibit warrantless searches of Americans’ internet browsing histories in order to give U.S. intelligence agencies the legal latitude to do what they have already been doing for years. “The original Patriot Act took a huge step in giving legal protection to a lot of traditional FBI tactics that had been illegal up until then. This is an important next step in authorizing the vast majority of illegal FBI operations on the internet, the same way we did with searching on telephones. The men and women of the FBI are just trying to do their jobs, yet have had to operate under conditions where they collect private information and search Americans’ private data while fearing for their careers. These long-overdue reforms should increase the FBI’s productivity since agents won’t have to waste so much time covering their trails or dealing with the occasional lawsuit. Finally, the restrictive measures of previous internet-related legislation will no longer be the circumvented law of the land.” McConnell expressed hope that the remaining 20% of FBI operations not legalized through the expanded Patriot Act would be addressed in an upcoming bill.


theonion--2020-05-14--Nurse Wearing Snoopy Scrubs, Floral Face Mask To Work Must Think Pandemic Some Kind Of Joke

PORTLAND , ME—Speculating that the health worker simply did not grasp the gravity of the current situation , sources confirmed Thursday that Lauren Witters , a nurse wearing Snoopy-themed scrubs and a floral face mask while working at Maine Medical Center , must think the Covid-19 pandemic is some kind of joke .
“ We ’ re in the middle of the greatest disease outbreak in a lifetime , and this woman has the goddamn gall to dress up with her favorite cartoon mutt on her scrubs , ” said anonymous hospital sources , noting that the callous medical worker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ care unit in her lilac-covered face mask while whistling Vince Guaraldi “ Charlie Brown Theme ” given how much of a blast she was apparently having with the ongoing global health crisis .
“ Here ’ s an idea : Why don ’ t you show your fun little flower mask to your patient ?
That ’ ll lift him up .
Oh wait , he ’ s struggling with an acute respiratory illness , you heartless monster .
What the hell is wrong with you ?
” At press time , sources @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more appropriate for Witters to wear black scrubs and a mourning veil during her 16-hour double shifts .

PORTLAND, ME—Speculating that the health worker simply did not grasp the gravity of the current situation, sources confirmed Thursday that Lauren Witters, a nurse wearing Snoopy-themed scrubs and a floral face mask while working at Maine Medical Center, must think the Covid-19 pandemic is some kind of joke. “We’re in the middle of the greatest disease outbreak in a lifetime, and this woman has the goddamn gall to dress up with her favorite cartoon mutt on her scrubs,” said anonymous hospital sources, noting that the callous medical worker probably also tap dances around the intensive care unit in her lilac-covered face mask while whistling Vince Guaraldi “Charlie Brown Theme” given how much of a blast she was apparently having with the ongoing global health crisis. “Here’s an idea: Why don’t you show your fun little flower mask to your patient? That’ll lift him up. Oh wait, he’s struggling with an acute respiratory illness, you heartless monster. What the hell is wrong with you?” At press time, sources had agreed that it would be far more appropriate for Witters to wear black scrubs and a mourning veil during her 16-hour double shifts.


theonion--2020-05-14--Differences Between The Stock Market And The Economy

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions , many have noticed that the country ’ s stock market @ @ @ @ @ would ostensibly reflect each other , seem to reflect entirely different situations .
The Onion @ @ @ @ @ the stock market and the economy .
STOCK MARKET : To help rich get richer @ @ @ @ @ get poorer STOCK MARKET : Where the cabal trades and sells adrenochrome ECONOMY : Where @ @ @ @ @ , and harvested for the production of adrenochrome STOCK MARKET : Provides investment opportunities for @ @ @ @ @ ECONOMY : Provides jobs for millions of Americans who thought they ’ d be retired @ @ @ @ @ Visualize STOCK MARKET : Line graph with bunch of random ups and downs ECONOMY : @ @ @ @ @ ’ s sake , let ’ s say yes

As the coronavirus pandemic continues to cause widespread disruptions, many have noticed that the country’s stock market and economic situation, which would ostensibly reflect each other, seem to reflect entirely different situations. The Onion looks at the differences between the stock market and the economy.
Reason For Existence
STOCK MARKET: To help rich get richer
ECONOMY: To help poor get poorer
Basic Function
STOCK MARKET: Where the cabal trades and sells adrenochrome
ECONOMY: Where children are bought, sold, and harvested for the production of adrenochrome
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Iconic Image
STOCK MARKET: Charging Bull sculpture
ECONOMY: Dad sitting sadly in garage
Effect On Retirement
STOCK MARKET: Provides investment opportunities for millions of Americans’ retirements
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ECONOMY: Provides jobs for millions of Americans who thought they’d be retired by now
Best Way To Visualize
STOCK MARKET: Line graph with bunch of random ups and downs
ECONOMY: Pie chart with bunch of random slices
Possibility Of Trickling Down
STOCK MARKET: No
ECONOMY: No, but for argument’s sake, let’s say yes
Dependence On Bells
STOCK MARKET: Totally dependent on bells
ECONOMY: Not dependent on bells
Overvalued Metric That Obfuscates Financial Realities
STOCK MARKET: Yes
ECONOMY: Mostly


theonion--2020-05-14--New Windex Formula Promises To Kill Twice As Many Birds

The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out , and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed @ @ @ @ @ ’ s most efficient bird killer to date .
Hear just how many long-beaked sons @ @ @ @ @ to take out with the stuff .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

The popular glass cleaner has a new formula out, and thanks to the inclusion of bait and bird seed, it may be Windex’s most efficient bird killer to date. Hear just how many long-beaked sons of bitches we were able to take out with the stuff.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-15--Drake Fans Accuse Kenny Chesney Of Manipulating Billboard Charts By Putting Effort Into Album

TORONTO—Calling the country singer ’ s place at the top of Top 200 completely illegitimate , fans of the rapper–singer Drake took to social media Friday to accuse Kenny Chesney of manipulating Billboard ’ s algorithm by putting effort into his album .
“ It ’ s just unfair that this guy could keep Drake from his rightful place on the charts by putting out quality music that he actually cares about , ” said Aiden Howard , 14 , who echoed the sentiments of Drake fans worldwide in his assertion that the artist ’ s mediocre B-sides deserved more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gamed the streaming numbers when he decided to put time and energy into his craft .
It ’ s such horseshit that Billboard rewards that behavior and punishes Drizzy for making a half-assed mixtape full of songs he ’ d already dropped on SoundCloud .
How the hell is ‘ Toosie Slide ’ going to compare to a song that the artist thought about for more than 15 minutes ?
” At press time , Drake released a statement asking fans to ignore Kenny Chesney and focus on the horseshit that he just @ @

TORONTO—Calling the country singer’s place at the top of Top 200 completely illegitimate, fans of the rapper–singer Drake took to social media Friday to accuse Kenny Chesney of manipulating Billboard’s algorithm by putting effort into his album. “It’s just unfair that this guy could keep Drake from his rightful place on the charts by putting out quality music that he actually cares about,” said Aiden Howard, 14, who echoed the sentiments of Drake fans worldwide in his assertion that the artist’s mediocre B-sides deserved more acclaim and recognition. “He clearly gamed the streaming numbers when he decided to put time and energy into his craft. It’s such horseshit that Billboard rewards that behavior and punishes Drizzy for making a half-assed mixtape full of songs he’d already dropped on SoundCloud. How the hell is ‘Toosie Slide’ going to compare to a song that the artist thought about for more than 15 minutes?” At press time, Drake released a statement asking fans to ignore Kenny Chesney and focus on the horseshit that he just released.


theonion--2020-05-15--Nervous New Driver Going To Stick To Sidewalks Until He’s More Confident

PHOENIX—Clutching the steering wheel and remarking that it was just safer for everyone this way , nervous 17-year-old motorist Brendan McCormick told reporters Friday he planned to stick to sidewalks until he was more confident of his driving abilities .
“ Honestly , it ’ ll be a lot easier to learn the basics if I stay away from the hustle and bustle of the main roads , and things are so much calmer once you turn onto the sidewalk , ” said McCormick , who carefully checked his side-view mirror and used his turn signal as he navigated around @ @ @ @ @ @ @ planned to keep his speed between 20 and 30 mph in order to avoid any collisions with fire hydrants or trees .
“ For now , I just want to go out and take it around the block a few times so I can get the hang of it .
I ’ m also using the crosswalks to avoid busy intersections , which can be pretty overwhelming when you ’ re a new driver .
Sure , I ’ ve had a few scrapes with pedestrians here and there , but usually I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right out of the way.
” At press time , McCormick had decided to continue his driving practice over the weekend by speeding up and down a local hiking trail .

PHOENIX—Clutching the steering wheel and remarking that it was just safer for everyone this way, nervous 17-year-old motorist Brendan McCormick told reporters Friday he planned to stick to sidewalks until he was more confident of his driving abilities. “Honestly, it’ll be a lot easier to learn the basics if I stay away from the hustle and bustle of the main roads, and things are so much calmer once you turn onto the sidewalk,” said McCormick, who carefully checked his side-view mirror and used his turn signal as he navigated around a café table, noting that he planned to keep his speed between 20 and 30 mph in order to avoid any collisions with fire hydrants or trees. “For now, I just want to go out and take it around the block a few times so I can get the hang of it. I’m also using the crosswalks to avoid busy intersections, which can be pretty overwhelming when you’re a new driver. Sure, I’ve had a few scrapes with pedestrians here and there, but usually I just honk my horn and they get right out of the way.” At press time, McCormick had decided to continue his driving practice over the weekend by speeding up and down a local hiking trail.


theonion--2020-05-15--Desperate Sports Fan Would Almost Be Willing To Watch Own Kids Play In Backyard At This Point

BETHLEHEM , PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity , @ @ @ @ @ confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Christ , I ’ m so starved for sports that I caught myself @ @ @ @ @ them play one-on-one Wiffle ball yesterday , ” said Moyer , who begrudgingly admitted he @ @ @ @ @ modified version of kickball that his eldest son , Max , had developed the other @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s come down to this .
I never thought teaching my son how @ @ @ @ @ be more interesting than watching ESPN .
This lockdown needs to end before I ’ @ @ @ @ @ with them—even risking death would be better than that.
” At press time , Moyer @ @ @ @ @ gold mine ” of classic ’ 90s NBA games that could help him go weeks @ @ @ @ @ his kids again .

BETHLEHEM, PA—Worried that the lack of professional athletic events was beginning to chip away at his very sanity, deprived sports fan Kendall Moyer confirmed Friday that he would almost be willing to watch his own kids play in the backyard at this point. “Christ, I’m so starved for sports that I caught myself on the verge of watching them play one-on-one Wiffle ball yesterday,” said Moyer, who begrudgingly admitted he was actually interested in a modified version of kickball that his eldest son, Max, had developed the other week. “I guess it’s come down to this. I never thought teaching my son how to grip a football would be more interesting than watching ESPN. This lockdown needs to end before I’m driven to play soccer with them—even risking death would be better than that.” At press time, Moyer had stumbled upon a “gold mine” of classic ’90s NBA games that could help him go weeks without having to look at his kids again.


theonion--2020-05-15--Wisconsin Bars Reopen Following State Supreme Court Decision

Patrons packed bars in celebration after the Wisconsin Supreme Court voted 4-3 to invalidate an extension to the governor ’ @ @ @ @ @ several counties issued their own orders in an effort to control the spread of coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I was g onna die in a bar before coronavirus , and I @ @ @ @ @ after.
” “ I can ’ t wait to see how the left spins unnecessary @ @ @ @ @ bad thing.
” “ I think they should compromise and make it legal for Wisconsinites @ @ @ @ @ homes .
”

Patrons packed bars in celebration after the Wisconsin Supreme Court voted 4-3 to invalidate an extension to the governor’s stay-at-home order, though several counties issued their own orders in an effort to control the spread of coronavirus. What do you think?
“I was g onna die in a bar before coronavirus, and I’ll die in one after.” Tom Biederman, School Bus Driver
“I can’t wait to see how the left spins unnecessary and preventable deaths into a bad thing.” Dom Iannitti, Unemployed
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theonion--2020-05-15--Helpful HR Email Offers Employees Tips For Ignoring Mental Health

OAKLAND—Emphasizing that the staff ’ s output and productivity were of the utmost importance to management at this time , employees at tech company SeedFund confirmed Friday that HR had sent them a helpful email offering tips for ignoring their mental health .
“ During these trying times , if you ’ re ever feeling psychologically overwhelmed or suffering from crippling anxiety , the best thing you can do is push those thoughts deep , deep , down inside of yourself and never let them come out again , ” read the email sent by head of HR Christina Hunt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ suppressing warning signs , as well a hotline employees could call if they wanted to quit because they just couldn ’ t handle it anymore .
“ In many ways , the novel coronavirus is the biggest challenge the world has ever faced , which is why we encourage our employees to put their nose to the grindstone and power through it instead of coming to us like a bunch of whiny babies .
Again , if you need any additional resources to deal with childcare , spousal care , or medical emergencies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to us because we absolutely can not and will not accommodate them.
” At press time , HR had reportedly sent out a follow-up email announcing that dozens of employees would immediately have their contracts terminated .

OAKLAND—Emphasizing that the staff’s output and productivity were of the utmost importance to management at this time, employees at tech company SeedFund confirmed Friday that HR had sent them a helpful email offering tips for ignoring their mental health. “During these trying times, if you’re ever feeling psychologically overwhelmed or suffering from crippling anxiety, the best thing you can do is push those thoughts deep, deep, down inside of yourself and never let them come out again,” read the email sent by head of HR Christina Hunt, which also provided useful tips for suppressing warning signs, as well a hotline employees could call if they wanted to quit because they just couldn’t handle it anymore. “In many ways, the novel coronavirus is the biggest challenge the world has ever faced, which is why we encourage our employees to put their nose to the grindstone and power through it instead of coming to us like a bunch of whiny babies. Again, if you need any additional resources to deal with childcare, spousal care, or medical emergencies, don’t bother reaching out to us because we absolutely cannot and will not accommodate them.” At press time, HR had reportedly sent out a follow-up email announcing that dozens of employees would immediately have their contracts terminated.


theonion--2020-05-15--500-Mile Dead Zone Found Off Atlantic Coast Linked To Runoff From Olive Garden Alfredo Pipe

FENWICK ISLE , DE—Warning that even creatures as small as krill have been completely eradicated by the contamination , scientists at the NOAA confirmed Friday that a growing 500-mile dead zone off the Atlantic coast has been linked to runoff from Olive Garden alfredo pipes .
“ This stretch of coastline has been completely choked by Olive Garden ’ s illegal dumping of this creamy white cheese sauce and can no longer sustain any marine life , ” said marine biologist Dara Novell , who estimated that the levels of butter , parmesan , and preservatives per cubic foot are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fish might not return for 10,000 years .
“ Olive Garden has been pumping almost 100,000 gallons per day of alfredo sludge , containing god knows what , into the Delaware River .
This is one of the most deadly substances mankind has ever produced , even algae can ’ t survive .
Hundreds of miles out to sea , we have spotted deformed dolphins with three flippers and whole blooms of obese jellyfish .
Even an emergency order of 10 billion breadsticks has been unable to reverse the damage.
” Novell added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clean seabirds covered in the alfredo sauce by burning it off with the highly acidic and abrasive Olive Garden marinara .

FENWICK ISLE, DE—Warning that even creatures as small as krill have been completely eradicated by the contamination, scientists at the NOAA confirmed Friday that a growing 500-mile dead zone off the Atlantic coast has been linked to runoff from Olive Garden alfredo pipes. “This stretch of coastline has been completely choked by Olive Garden’s illegal dumping of this creamy white cheese sauce and can no longer sustain any marine life,” said marine biologist Dara Novell, who estimated that the levels of butter, parmesan, and preservatives per cubic foot are so high that even after cleanup, fish might not return for 10,000 years. “Olive Garden has been pumping almost 100,000 gallons per day of alfredo sludge, containing god knows what, into the Delaware River. This is one of the most deadly substances mankind has ever produced, even algae can’t survive. Hundreds of miles out to sea, we have spotted deformed dolphins with three flippers and whole blooms of obese jellyfish. Even an emergency order of 10 billion breadsticks has been unable to reverse the damage.” Novell added that volunteers have only been able to clean seabirds covered in the alfredo sauce by burning it off with the highly acidic and abrasive Olive Garden marinara.


theonion--2020-05-15--The 11 Best Games To Play For The Nintendo Switch

The Legend Of Zelda : Breath Of The Wild Jesus Christ , take a hint .
This has been on @ @ @ @ @ for every console for the last five years .
And you still don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ even like video games ?
Or do you just say you do so you can @ @ @ @ @ ?
Why did you click on this ?

The Legend Of Zelda: Breath Of The Wild
Jesus Christ, take a hint. This has been on every ‘must-buy’ list for every console for the last five years. And you still don’t have it? Do you even like video games? Or do you just say you do so you can feel like you have interests? Why did you click on this?


theonion--2020-05-15--Record Number Of Women Running For U.S. House In 2020

At least 490 women have filed to run for seats in the House of Representatives this year , breaking the @ @ @ @ @ 2018 election that saw 102 women win their races , though Congress is still roughly @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Okay , okay , we get it ; there are @ @ @ @ @ said suffrage wouldn ’ t be the end of it.
” “ I wish these @ @ @ @ @ everyone ’ s expectations of me .
”

At least 490 women have filed to run for seats in the House of Representatives this year, breaking the previous record set during the 2018 election that saw 102 women win their races, though Congress is still roughly 75% men. What do you think?
“Okay, okay, we get it; there are women.” Luke Herrera • Grout Scrubber
“I always said suffrage wouldn’t be the end of it.” Calvin Seffel • Mini Golf Pro
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theonion--2020-05-15--Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid,

Democrats Praise Joe Biden For Being Only Candidate Able To Talk Down To Americans Like The Stupid, Slack-Jawed Dumdums They Really Are

He ’ s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November , but just what was Joe @ @ @ @ @ winning the nomination ?
Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party @ @ @ @ @ a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

He’s the man Democrats have chosen to take on Trump in November, but just what was Joe Biden’s secret to winning the nomination? Hear how the former vice president was able to unite party support by treating voters like a bunch of know-nothing shit-for-brains.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-18--Mount St. Helens’ Anniversary Brings Divided Nation Together To Remember Grisly Scene In ‘Dante’s Pe

Mount St. Helens’ Anniversary Brings Divided Nation Together To Remember Grisly Scene In ‘Dante’s Peak’ When Dude’s Elbow Pops Out

SKAMANIA COUNTY , WA—Reflecting on the 40th anniversary of the tragic eruption of Mount St. Helens , a divided nation was brought together Monday to solemnly remember the grisly moment in 1997 ’ s Dante ’ s Peak when fictional character Harry Dalton ’ s elbow burst through the skin .
“ Wow , the sight of ash , smoke , and rocks spewing out of Mount St. Helen is a stark reminder of the power and devastation wreaked by volcanoes , much like when that dude ’ s bone was sticking all the way out , ” said South @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 37 , was united with fellow citizens from all walks of life and varying viewpoints while recalling the short-but-gruesome moment in film history when Pierce Brosnan ’ s character ’ s lateral epicondyle broke through the epidermis .
“ I ’ ll never forget that moment and how my stomach sank when it made that popping sound .
At the end of the day , we need to set aside our differences and realize that we are all Americans who never want that to happen to us—a bone just jutting out like that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from lava .
I can ’ t believe it ’ s already been 40 years since that movie came out.
” At press time , the nation was reportedly at bitter odds again after one American mistook Dante ’ s Peak for the other 1997 disaster movie Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones .

SKAMANIA COUNTY, WA—Reflecting on the 40th anniversary of the tragic eruption of Mount St. Helens, a divided nation was brought together Monday to solemnly remember the grisly moment in 1997’s Dante’s Peak when fictional character Harry Dalton’s elbow burst through the skin. “Wow, the sight of ash, smoke, and rocks spewing out of Mount St. Helen is a stark reminder of the power and devastation wreaked by volcanoes, much like when that dude’s bone was sticking all the way out,” said South Bend, IN resident Jan Franklin, 37, was united with fellow citizens from all walks of life and varying viewpoints while recalling the short-but-gruesome moment in film history when Pierce Brosnan’s character’s lateral epicondyle broke through the epidermis. “I’ll never forget that moment and how my stomach sank when it made that popping sound. At the end of the day, we need to set aside our differences and realize that we are all Americans who never want that to happen to us—a bone just jutting out like that, especially while trying to run away from lava. I can’t believe it’s already been 40 years since that movie came out.” At press time, the nation was reportedly at bitter odds again after one American mistook Dante’s Peak for the other 1997 disaster movie Volcano starring Tommy Lee Jones.


theonion--2020-05-18--Stocks Rally On Hope For Coronavirus Vaccine

Positive news from a scientific trial by drug maker Moderna stoked optimism about a potential coronavirus vaccine , sending the @ @ @ @ @ points , or 2.8 % .
What do you think ?
“ Wall Street profiting @ @ @ @ @ the first sign things are finally returning to normal.
” “ Make sense .
False @ @ @ @ @ ’ s most profitable exports .
”

Positive news from a scientific trial by drug maker Moderna stoked optimism about a potential coronavirus vaccine, sending the Dow up more than 650 points, or 2.8%. What do you think?
“Wall Street profiting off a global crisis is the first sign things are finally returning to normal.” John Tanner • Sock Hop Instructor
“See? There’s actually a silver lining to a vaccine.” Donald Islington • Pandiculation Advocate
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theonion--2020-05-18--Recipe Calls For Banana As If Man Has Access To Fucking Caribbean Street Market

NEWPORT , OR—Bewildered at the inclusion of the tropical fruit among the required ingredients , local man Andrew Collins confirmed Monday that the muffin recipe he was baking called for bananas as if he had easy access to a fucking Caribbean street market .
“ Where the hell am I going to find one of those ?
” said Collins of the botanical berry he had only seen in pictures , asking how in God ’ s name the writer of the baking instructions expected him to acquire a banana without visiting a farmer ’ s market in Trinidad and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ venturing deep into the Antigua rainforest and hacking one down from a tree with a machete .
“ Dammit , the nearest banana tree has got to be a thousand miles away from here .
Wait , what the hell is this shit ?
They also want me to use sugar as well .
Great , I guess I ’ ll just drive to my local sugarcane field .
Jesus fucking Christ.
” At press time , an annoyed Collins was forced to use canned pumpkin mixed with tofu as a substitution .

NEWPORT, OR—Bewildered at the inclusion of the tropical fruit among the required ingredients, local man Andrew Collins confirmed Monday that the muffin recipe he was baking called for bananas as if he had easy access to a fucking Caribbean street market. “Where the hell am I going to find one of those?” said Collins of the botanical berry he had only seen in pictures, asking how in God’s name the writer of the baking instructions expected him to acquire a banana without visiting a farmer’s market in Trinidad and haggling with a vendor in Creole or venturing deep into the Antigua rainforest and hacking one down from a tree with a machete. “Dammit, the nearest banana tree has got to be a thousand miles away from here. Wait, what the hell is this shit? They also want me to use sugar as well. Great, I guess I’ll just drive to my local sugarcane field. Jesus fucking Christ.” At press time, an annoyed Collins was forced to use canned pumpkin mixed with tofu as a substitution.


theonion--2020-05-18--Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’

LOS ANGELES—Coworkers at the advertising firm Horizon Group remained trapped in an infinite loop of telling one another “ Oh @ @ @ @ @ ahead , ” during a morning Zoom teleconference , sources confirmed Monday .
“ No @ @ @ @ @ , definitely go ahead , ” said copywriter Lance Reddick , pausing three hours into @ @ @ @ @ apologizing and encouraging a colleague to continue with what they had been saying , only @ @ @ @ @ add to the unbreakable pattern by chiming in , quickly cutting themselves off , and @ @ @ @ @ anyone else .
“ I feel like I interrupted you .
Sorry about that—what were @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , after a brief silence , all 20 coworkers on the @ @ @ @ @ other in a deafening cacophony .

LOS ANGELES—Coworkers at the advertising firm Horizon Group remained trapped in an infinite loop of telling one another “Oh sorry, no, go ahead,” during a morning Zoom teleconference, sources confirmed Monday. “No, no, my bad, definitely go ahead,” said copywriter Lance Reddick, pausing three hours into the apparently endless cycle of apologizing and encouraging a colleague to continue with what they had been saying, only for another few workers to add to the unbreakable pattern by chiming in, quickly cutting themselves off, and asking forgiveness for speaking over anyone else. “I feel like I interrupted you. Sorry about that—what were you trying to say?” At press time, after a brief silence, all 20 coworkers on the call were shouting over each other in a deafening cacophony.


theonion--2020-05-18--Terrifying Implications: Leaked Nintendo Source Code Could Give Terrorists The Ability To Weaponize

Terrifying Implications: Leaked Nintendo Source Code Could Give Terrorists The Ability To Weaponize Kirby

Early May brought disturbing news for Nintendo fans everywhere as the company ’ s source code leaked only , exposing sensitive information ranging from detailed hardware specs to programming secrets .
The loss of intellectual property has one terrifying possibility that should shock individuals across the globe : A rogue state or terrorist cell might now use the code to hijack and weaponize Kirby .
God help us all .
Needless to say , the diplomatic implications here are unsettling .
If a dangerous splinter group ever harnessed Kirby ’ s formidable power to vacuum in objects and absorb their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into chaos .
With this leak , it ’ s now entirely possible that even a small terrorist cell could hold a city hostage with the threat of transforming the diminutive mascot into a spiked ball that could crush the Empire State Building in a single blow .
To hold the power of Kirby is to hold the lives of millions in your hands .
That power is now up for grabs to the highest bidder .
Intelligence agencies around the world have long warned about the grim specter of a weaponized Kirby @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the threat of the pink blob swallowing a tactical nuclear weapon and wiping a city off the earth ’ s surface .
They were content to let Nintendo expand Kirby ’ s power , year-by-year , whether it was by adding the abilities to fuse nearby elements with his razor-sharp cutter ability or brainwashing foes into becoming allies .
All the while , the leaders responsible for keeping us safe knew that just one bad actor could manipulate these startling powers to disastrous ends .
Now , we must all pay for their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ A terrible pink menace has been unleashed , and our only hope is that this leaked code is destroyed before it falls into the wrong hands .
Some of us at OGN had repeatedly predicted that armageddon could come at the hands of this hijacked pink mascot .
We now weep to be proven right .

Early May brought disturbing news for Nintendo fans everywhere as the company’s source code leaked only, exposing sensitive information ranging from detailed hardware specs to programming secrets. The loss of intellectual property has one terrifying possibility that should shock individuals across the globe: A rogue state or terrorist cell might now use the code to hijack and weaponize Kirby.
God help us all.
Needless to say, the diplomatic implications here are unsettling. If a dangerous splinter group ever harnessed Kirby’s formidable power to vacuum in objects and absorb their abilities, the world would doubtlessly descend into chaos. With this leak, it’s now entirely possible that even a small terrorist cell could hold a city hostage with the threat of transforming the diminutive mascot into a spiked ball that could crush the Empire State Building in a single blow. To hold the power of Kirby is to hold the lives of millions in your hands. That power is now up for grabs to the highest bidder.
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Intelligence agencies around the world have long warned about the grim specter of a weaponized Kirby. But few leaders ever took seriously the threat of the pink blob swallowing a tactical nuclear weapon and wiping a city off the earth’s surface. They were content to let Nintendo expand Kirby’s power, year-by-year, whether it was by adding the abilities to fuse nearby elements with his razor-sharp cutter ability or brainwashing foes into becoming allies. All the while, the leaders responsible for keeping us safe knew that just one bad actor could manipulate these startling powers to disastrous ends.
Now, we must all pay for their hubris.
So pray, gamers. A terrible pink menace has been unleashed, and our only hope is that this leaked code is destroyed before it falls into the wrong hands. Some of us at OGN had repeatedly predicted that armageddon could come at the hands of this hijacked pink mascot. We now weep to be proven right.


theonion--2020-05-18--Unplanned 2:30 A.M. Trip Through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia Page Worth Every Goddamn Second

CHICAGO—Describing the experience as “ pure joy ” from start to finish , area woman Emma Calbert told reporters Monday her unplanned but fortuitous 2:30 a.m. trip through Steven Seagal ’ s Wikipedia entry , which kept her up later than usual last night , was worth every goddamn second .
“ I wound up there after stumbling across the page for Under Siege , and holy shit , I had no idea what a treat I was in for , ” said Calbert , who recounted the pleasure of learning that , over the years , the action star @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , marketed a failed brand of aftershave called “ Scent of Action , ” and served as guardian to the only child of the 10th Panchen Lama of Tibet .
“ While I was pretty tired this morning , I could never regret the genuine delight of discovering that Steven Seagal has an extensive collection of swords and custom-made firearms , and is , on top of everything else , really into animal rights .
To be sure , much of the entry , like the long list of sexual assault allegations against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you know that in 2005 he released a guitar album called Songs From The Crystal Cave ?
” Calbert added that her only regret was that she would never again be able to explore the page ’ s “ Personal Life ” section for the very first time .

CHICAGO—Describing the experience as “pure joy” from start to finish, area woman Emma Calbert told reporters Monday her unplanned but fortuitous 2:30 a.m. trip through Steven Seagal’s Wikipedia entry, which kept her up later than usual last night, was worth every goddamn second. “I wound up there after stumbling across the page for Under Siege, and holy shit, I had no idea what a treat I was in for,” said Calbert, who recounted the pleasure of learning that, over the years, the action star had become best friends with Vladimir Putin, marketed a failed brand of aftershave called “Scent of Action,” and served as guardian to the only child of the 10th Panchen Lama of Tibet. “While I was pretty tired this morning, I could never regret the genuine delight of discovering that Steven Seagal has an extensive collection of swords and custom-made firearms, and is, on top of everything else, really into animal rights. To be sure, much of the entry, like the long list of sexual assault allegations against him, is pretty fucked up—but did you know that in 2005 he released a guitar album called Songs From The Crystal Cave?” Calbert added that her only regret was that she would never again be able to explore the page’s “Personal Life” section for the very first time.


theonion--2020-05-18--God Recalls Getting Start As Backup Dancer Before Making It Big As Deity

THE HEAVENS—Reflecting on how far He had come since His early days on the live music circuit , The Lord God Almighty spoke to reporters Monday , recalling his start as a backup dancer before He made it big as a deity .
“ It ’ s kind of crazy to think about it now , but back then , I was basically just a glorified extra in Odin ’ s traveling revue , ” said the Supreme Being and Creator Of All Things , noting that in those days He considered it a success if even one or two @ @ @ @ @ @ @ show .
“ People think I was just destined to be the King of Kings and Ruler Of The Cosmos , but the truth is I got a lot of lucky breaks along the way .
I ’ m not saying it was an accident that I found success—I worked my ass off doing five shows a night for years , but I was fortunate to have friends like Frannie , Beth , Zeus , and all the other dancers who taught me everything I know.
” God added that He probably would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ diety if the producers ’ original choice for the part hadn ’ t mysteriously broken her leg right before callbacks .

THE HEAVENS—Reflecting on how far He had come since His early days on the live music circuit, The Lord God Almighty spoke to reporters Monday, recalling his start as a backup dancer before He made it big as a deity. “It’s kind of crazy to think about it now, but back then, I was basically just a glorified extra in Odin’s traveling revue,” said the Supreme Being and Creator Of All Things, noting that in those days He considered it a success if even one or two worshippers came up to Him after a show. “People think I was just destined to be the King of Kings and Ruler Of The Cosmos, but the truth is I got a lot of lucky breaks along the way. I’m not saying it was an accident that I found success—I worked my ass off doing five shows a night for years, but I was fortunate to have friends like Frannie, Beth, Zeus, and all the other dancers who taught me everything I know.” God added that He probably would never even have made it as a diety if the producers’ original choice for the part hadn’t mysteriously broken her leg right before callbacks.


theonion--2020-05-18--New Research Indicates Coronavirus Did Not Spread From Pangolins

Scientists in China say genetic analysis proves that while pangolins are carriers of certain types of coronavirus , it is @ @ @ @ @ source of the current outbreak of Covid-19 among humans .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ of something , I can tell you that much.
” “ Well , it certainly @ @ @ @ @ me.
” “ Do we even know one goddamn thing about this motherfucking virus ?
@

Scientists in China say genetic analysis proves that while pangolins are carriers of certain types of coronavirus, it is unlikely they are the direct source of the current outbreak of Covid-19 among humans. What do you think?
“They’re guilty of something, I can tell you that much.” Joy Kimelman, Celebrity Door Holder
“Well, it certainly didn’t come from me.” Demetrius Buckwalter, Chainsaw Sculptor
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theonion--2020-05-18--Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accide

Investigation Reveals Coronavirus Covering Its Tracks By Making Victims’ Deaths Look Like Car Accidents

An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought @ @ @ @ @ been covering its tracks by cutting people ’ s brake lines as far back as @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

An alarming investigation reveals the coronavirus may have been claiming victims in the United States even earlier than previously thought. Hear how Covid-19 has been covering its tracks by cutting people’s brake lines as far back as January.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-19--Study Finds ‘Auld Lang Syne’ Good Enough Song To Be Belted Out On Other Occasions, Too

ATLANTA—Revealing that the Scottish standard was surprisingly versatile , the music department of Emory University published a new study Tuesday finding that Auld Lang Syne was a good enough song to be belted out on occasions other than New Year ’ s Eve .
“ According to our data , Auld Lang Syne sounds just as great at birthday parties and holidays such as a Thanksgiving or Halloween are a great time to throw your arms around loved ones and sing the festive tune , ” said head researcher Martin Sean Hayes , who spearheaded the eight-year , multi-million-dollar study @ @ @ @ @ @ @ song in unison at baptisms , high school graduations , and funerals .
“ Whether during a quinceanera celebration , a St. Patrick ’ s Day parade , or an Easter egg hunt , you really can ’ t go wrong with this classic .
Time and time again , we found that grabbing hold of your dearest friends and belting out ‘ Should old acquaintance be forgot ’ produced a spike in endorphins among participants .
You could even just mutter it to yourself while walking around the neighborhood .
Test it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” In a related report , researchers at the University of Pennsylvania published a study finding Happy Birthday is more than worthy of being enjoyed year-round .

ATLANTA—Revealing that the Scottish standard was surprisingly versatile, the music department of Emory University published a new study Tuesday finding that Auld Lang Syne was a good enough song to be belted out on occasions other than New Year’s Eve. “According to our data, Auld Lang Syne sounds just as great at birthday parties and holidays such as a Thanksgiving or Halloween are a great time to throw your arms around loved ones and sing the festive tune,” said head researcher Martin Sean Hayes, who spearheaded the eight-year, multi-million-dollar study that asked participants worldwide to sing the song in unison at baptisms, high school graduations, and funerals. “Whether during a quinceanera celebration, a St. Patrick’s Day parade, or an Easter egg hunt, you really can’t go wrong with this classic. Time and time again, we found that grabbing hold of your dearest friends and belting out ‘Should old acquaintance be forgot’ produced a spike in endorphins among participants. You could even just mutter it to yourself while walking around the neighborhood. Test it out, you’ll feel great.” In a related report, researchers at the University of Pennsylvania published a study finding Happy Birthday is more than worthy of being enjoyed year-round.


theonion--2020-05-19--Trump Says He Taking Hydroxychloroquine

Trump Says He Taking Hydroxychloroquine

President Trump told reporters he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for two weeks to prevent Covid-19 , flouting its unproven nature @ @ @ @ @ use outside of a hospital setting due to the risk of serious heart problems .
@ @ @ @ @ “ I would need to see how it works on a few more presidents before @ @ @ @ @ Well , it sounds like he ’ s finally taking an interest in preventive healthcare @ @ @ @

President Trump told reporters he has been taking hydroxychloroquine for two weeks to prevent Covid-19, flouting its unproven nature and FDA warnings about its use outside of a hospital setting due to the risk of serious heart problems. What do you think?
“No wonder he’s been acting so weird lately.” Julian Foyle • Purveyor Of Salted Hams
“I would need to see how it works on a few more presidents before I tried it.” Dean Mackie • Curd Separator
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theonion--2020-05-19--Growing Drug Tolerance Drives Trump To Buy Black-Tar Hydroxychloroquine Off Dealer In D.C. Metro Sta

Growing Drug Tolerance Drives Trump To Buy Black-Tar Hydroxychloroquine Off Dealer In D.C. Metro Station

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he ’ s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick , President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine .
“ Come on , Randy , man , don ’ t give me those baby hydroxies—I need that pure shit , ” said the pallid , twitching commander in chief as he frantically scratched at his rash-covered body , begging the peddler to sell him some of the sticky @ @ @ @ @ @ @ medication in a dark corner of D.C. ’ s McPherson Square Metro Station .
“ I went through 30 or 40 pills this morning and I ’ m not even having any heart palpitations or dizziness .
The stuff is like baby aspirin .
Come on , man , I ’ ve maxed out all my prescriptions and I ’ m fuckin ’ jonesin ’ for a big hit of that sweet Roxy .
I can handle it , I swear.
” At press time , the drug dealer had knocked President Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ train tracks .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the 800 mg tablets he’s been crushing up and snorting were no longer doing the trick, President Donald Trump was reportedly driven to buy black-tar hydroxychloroquine off a drug dealer in a D.C. metro station Tuesday due to his growing tolerance for the prescription medicine. “Come on, Randy, man, don’t give me those baby hydroxies—I need that pure shit,” said the pallid, twitching commander in chief as he frantically scratched at his rash-covered body, begging the peddler to sell him some of the sticky, highly concentrated form of the anti-malarial medication in a dark corner of D.C.’s McPherson Square Metro Station. “I went through 30 or 40 pills this morning and I’m not even having any heart palpitations or dizziness. The stuff is like baby aspirin. Come on, man, I’ve maxed out all my prescriptions and I’m fuckin’ jonesin’ for a big hit of that sweet Roxy. I can handle it, I swear.” At press time, the drug dealer had knocked President Trump unconscious and thrown his body on the train tracks.


theonion--2020-05-19--Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Brav

Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job

SEATTLE—Calling it a “ beautiful tribute ” to the men and women who put their lives on the line every single day , Amazon instituted a new “ hero tax ” Tuesday , charging essential workers an additional $ 2 per hour for the honor of bravely performing their jobs .
“ Starting today , each and every hard-working , essential warehouse worker will receive a revised paycheck , which will include a small , complimentary deduction from Amazon for generously giving them this opportunity , ” said company spokesperson Janice Fischer , adding that they could not be more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ monetary sacrifices during this challenging time .
“ In the last several weeks , we ’ ve seen thousands of employees called ‘ brave , selfless heroes ’ over and over again , and we here at Amazon want to remind them that respect like that doesn ’ t just come for free .
It is a great privilege for employees to risk their health and well-being .
That ’ s why , should any of our workers fall ill on the job , we ’ ll be deducting their entire paycheck.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had opted to make their generous “ hero tax ” permanent .

SEATTLE—Calling it a “beautiful tribute” to the men and women who put their lives on the line every single day, Amazon instituted a new “hero tax” Tuesday, charging essential workers an additional $2 per hour for the honor of bravely performing their jobs. “Starting today, each and every hard-working, essential warehouse worker will receive a revised paycheck, which will include a small, complimentary deduction from Amazon for generously giving them this opportunity,” said company spokesperson Janice Fischer, adding that they could not be more proud of workers for making these vital monetary sacrifices during this challenging time. “In the last several weeks, we’ve seen thousands of employees called ‘brave, selfless heroes’ over and over again, and we here at Amazon want to remind them that respect like that doesn’t just come for free. It is a great privilege for employees to risk their health and well-being. That’s why, should any of our workers fall ill on the job, we’ll be deducting their entire paycheck.” At press time, Amazon announced they had opted to make their generous “hero tax” permanent.


theonion--2020-05-19--‘This Is A Crazy Time, And It’s Okay If You’re Scared’ Says Man Burying Gagged Prisoner Alive

BUCKHORN , CA—Telling the visibly fearful man that his emotions were both valid and entirely understandable , local 32-year-old Kevin Stewart reportedly observed that it was a crazy time and okay to be scared as he spoke Tuesday to the bound and gagged prisoner he was burying alive in the remote wilderness .
“ Listen , I can tell you ’ re dealing with some pretty difficult anxiety , and I just want to let you know that ’ s totally normal under the circumstances , ” Stewart said as he pushed his victim into a hastily dug trench at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shoveling dirt over the bloody , incapacitated , but still very much conscious man below .
“ Give yourself a little credit : Right now , all you can do is focus on surviving , and you ’ re doing the best you can .
Neither you nor anyone you know has lived through something like this before , and that uncertainty is bound to translate into feelings of despair .
Believe me , I ’ m a little stressed out by this whole situation , too.
” At press time , with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ atop the man ’ s head , Stewart told his prisoner that if he just took a few deep breaths , then it would only be a matter of time before his panic subsided completely .

BUCKHORN, CA—Telling the visibly fearful man that his emotions were both valid and entirely understandable, local 32-year-old Kevin Stewart reportedly observed that it was a crazy time and okay to be scared as he spoke Tuesday to the bound and gagged prisoner he was burying alive in the remote wilderness. “Listen, I can tell you’re dealing with some pretty difficult anxiety, and I just want to let you know that’s totally normal under the circumstances,” Stewart said as he pushed his victim into a hastily dug trench at the bottom of a ravine and began shoveling dirt over the bloody, incapacitated, but still very much conscious man below. “Give yourself a little credit: Right now, all you can do is focus on surviving, and you’re doing the best you can. Neither you nor anyone you know has lived through something like this before, and that uncertainty is bound to translate into feelings of despair. Believe me, I’m a little stressed out by this whole situation, too.” At press time, with the layers of dirt beginning to accumulate atop the man’s head, Stewart told his prisoner that if he just took a few deep breaths, then it would only be a matter of time before his panic subsided completely.


theonion--2020-05-19--High Production Values Most Suspicious Part Of Conspiracy Theory Video

JACKSONVILLE , FL—Noting that something just simply didn ’ t add up , local man Lucas Miller confirmed Tuesday that @ @ @ @ @ the conspiracy theory video he was watching was the high production values .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ about what they ’ re hiding in the tunnels below the Denver Airport , but @ @ @ @ @ want to get to the bottom of is how this YouTuber put something together with @ @ @ @ @ ” said Miller , noting that the editing and even the graphics were so crisp @ @ @ @ @ ’ t look out of place on a television network .
“ The longer I @ @ @ @ @ mind began racing : Where did he get all this equipment ?
Did he go @ @ @ @ @ many people are involved in this production , and why ?
Why ?
What would @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , an agitated Miller had decided to follow the money .

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Noting that something just simply didn’t add up, local man Lucas Miller confirmed Tuesday that the most suspicious aspect of the conspiracy theory video he was watching was the high production values. “I admit I have my questions about what they’re hiding in the tunnels below the Denver Airport, but really, what I most want to get to the bottom of is how this YouTuber put something together with professional-grade sound and lighting,” said Miller, noting that the editing and even the graphics were so crisp and precise that they wouldn’t look out of place on a television network. “The longer I watched, the more my mind began racing: Where did he get all this equipment? Did he go to film school? How many people are involved in this production, and why? Why? What would they have to gain?” At press time, an agitated Miller had decided to follow the money.


theonion--2020-05-19--10 Songs You Didn’t Know Were Written About Celebrities

“ Star Wars ( Main Theme ) ” – John Williams ( 1977 ) : While director George Lucas reportedly @ @ @ @ @ John Williams consider the nature of good triumphing over evil when writing this stirring overture @ @ @ @ @ the conductor found his true muse for the piece in actor Tom Selleck , who @ @ @ @ @ for himself with a number of indelible appearances in dramatic television movies .
Williams would @ @ @ @ @ Men And A Baby star as his inspiration for the “ Imperial March ” and @ @ @ @ @ as well .

“Star Wars (Main Theme)” – John Williams (1977): While director George Lucas reportedly requested that legendary film composer John Williams consider the nature of good triumphing over evil when writing this stirring overture to heroism and adventure, the conductor found his true muse for the piece in actor Tom Selleck, who had recently made a name for himself with a number of indelible appearances in dramatic television movies. Williams would later cite the future Three Men And A Baby star as his inspiration for the “Imperial March” and the entire E.T. soundtrack as well.


theonion--2020-05-19--Rusty LeBron James Unable To Identify A Basketball

‘ Is That One ?
’ Asks NBA Superstar While Pointing At Clock LOS ANGELES—Repeatedly pointing at round objects around his house and noting that they looked familiar , rusty NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly took a clock off of his wall Tuesday and asked if it was a basketball after totally forgetting how to identify one .
“ Okay , it ’ s round , which is good , but I can ’ t remember if basketballs usually have those math letters on them , or a bunch of tiny gears inside , ” asked the four-time NBA MVP @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , questioned family and friends about whether a cabbage , a bar of soap , a car , or his own head could be dribbled , passed , or dunked .
“ Jeez , this is embarrassing .
Sorry , I ’ ll get it .
It ’ s just been a while , you know ?
I ’ m out of practice at telling things apart .
Man , I really should have been working on my skills the last few months .
Oh , maybe this furry looking thing is one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me.
” At press time , LeBron was reportedly shouting “ Incoming , get out of the way , ” after he looked up and immediately identified an enormous , glowing basketball hovering above him in the sky .

‘Is That One?’ Asks NBA Superstar While Pointing At Clock
LOS ANGELES—Repeatedly pointing at round objects around his house and noting that they looked familiar, rusty NBA superstar LeBron James reportedly took a clock off of his wall Tuesday and asked if it was a basketball after totally forgetting how to identify one. “Okay, it’s round, which is good, but I can’t remember if basketballs usually have those math letters on them, or a bunch of tiny gears inside,” asked the four-time NBA MVP who, after realizing his initial mistake, questioned family and friends about whether a cabbage, a bar of soap, a car, or his own head could be dribbled, passed, or dunked. “Jeez, this is embarrassing. Sorry, I’ll get it. It’s just been a while, you know? I’m out of practice at telling things apart. Man, I really should have been working on my skills the last few months. Oh, maybe this furry looking thing is one? Probably not, it just bit me.” At press time, LeBron was reportedly shouting “Incoming, get out of the way,” after he looked up and immediately identified an enormous, glowing basketball hovering above him in the sky.


theonion--2020-05-19--Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 19, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 19, 2020

You ’ ve always wanted to be the one that people come to for wisdom and comfort , but you @ @ @ @ @ for being the one that the stripper winds up talking to about her kids .

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
You’ve always wanted to be the one that people come to for wisdom and comfort, but you’ll have to settle for being the one that the stripper winds up talking to about her kids.


theonion--2020-05-19--Obama, Malala Among Headliners For Virtual Commencement

Telling graduates that they were uniquely equipped to confront the pandemic and create a better world , President Obama joined @ @ @ @ @ , and dozens of other luminaries to toast the class of 2020 in a virtual @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ It must be exciting to celebrate graduation with something as unique @ @ @ @ @ Obama talking.
” “ This sends the wrong message .
Kids need to learn that @ @ @ @ @ to be there to hold their hand every time there ’ s a major global @ @ @

Telling graduates that they were uniquely equipped to confront the pandemic and create a better world, President Obama joined Malala Yousafzai, LeBron James, and dozens of other luminaries to toast the class of 2020 in a virtual commencement ceremony. What do you think?
“It must be exciting to celebrate graduation with something as unique as a video of Barack Obama talking.” Tad Michaels • Unemployed
“This sends the wrong message. Kids need to learn that Obama isn’t going to be there to hold their hand every time there’s a major global upheaval.” Patricia Heartwood • Fox Domesticator
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theonion--2020-05-19--Americans React With Indifference After First Case Of Coronavirus Spreading To Pet Ferret

The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret @ @ @ @ @ of a shit American s could give about the new discovery .
You can find @ @ @ @ @ , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The coronavirus is claiming new victims today as the CDC announced the first confirmed case of Covid-19 in a ferret. Hear just how little of a shit American s could give about the new discovery.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-20--All 50 States Unveil Plans To Ease Coronavirus Restrictions By Memorial Day

As Memorial Day approaches , every state in the Union has introduced steps to lift some of the safety orders @ @ @ @ @ the spread of Covid-19 , though health officials warn increased activity could spur a spike @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Thank goodness .
We shouldn ’ t have to sacrifice @ @ @ @ @ Day .
”

As Memorial Day approaches, every state in the Union has introduced steps to lift some of the safety orders put in place to reduce the spread of Covid-19, though health officials warn increased activity could spur a spike in new cases. What do you think?
“Thank goodness. We shouldn’t have to sacrifice anything to enjoy Memoria l Day.” Stacy Gould • Ceiling Painter
“Excellent idea, viruses start running on a shortened summer schedule around then.” Chuck Holman • F ruit Stand Manager
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theonion--2020-05-20--Trump Orders CDC To Research His Investment Portfolio For Potential Coronavirus Cures

WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19 , President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday , urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus .
“ Look , there ’ s all sorts of stuff in here that could help with the disease as far we know , so let ’ s start giving people some luxury spa treatments and see what happens , ” said Trump , demanding that the country ’ s leading public health institute conduct clinical studies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a day on a Floridian golf course could significantly reduce the need for a respirator .
“ Even just a couple of studies showing that Pepsi or Microsoft products can help neutralize the spread of the virus would be really amazing .
Remember , people are dying , so we need everyone working around the clock to make sure that none of my financial interests are overlooked.
” Trump added that in order to expedite the process , all further study would occur at the CDC ’ s new state-of-the-art facilities at the @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—On the heels of touting the anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine for treating Covid-19, President Donald Trump issued orders to the CDC Wednesday, urging the agency to conduct extensive research into his investment portfolio to find more potential cures for the novel coronavirus. “Look, there’s all sorts of stuff in here that could help with the disease as far we know, so let’s start giving people some luxury spa treatments and see what happens,” said Trump, demanding that the country’s leading public health institute conduct clinical studies to see if an hour or two a day on a Floridian golf course could significantly reduce the need for a respirator. “Even just a couple of studies showing that Pepsi or Microsoft products can help neutralize the spread of the virus would be really amazing. Remember, people are dying, so we need everyone working around the clock to make sure that none of my financial interests are overlooked.” Trump added that in order to expedite the process, all further study would occur at the CDC’s new state-of-the-art facilities at the Trump International Hotel.


theonion--2020-05-20--Nation’s Politicians, Law Enforcement, Corporate Executives Marvel At Futuristic Utopia They’re Livi

Nation’s Politicians, Law Enforcement, Corporate Executives Marvel At Futuristic Utopia They’re Living In

NEW YORK—Expressing disbelief that they were so fortunate to experience a true golden age of prosperity and technological wonder , the nation ’ s politicians , law enforcement officers , and executives marveled Wednesday at the futuristic utopia they get to live in .
“ To think that I have all this at my fingertips , whether it ’ s automated high-volume stock trading or unlimited surveillance footage of my employees , it ’ s like something out of a science fiction paradise , ” said pharmaceutical executive Ron Pollard , who claimed previous generations of police officers , elected @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comprehend the world of unlimited possibilities that has been created for them , where they are free to do whatever they want all the time .
“ Walking through these plants staffed entirely by hyper-efficient robots , facial recognition cameras , maybe even luxury space travel , it ’ s almost like I ’ m living in a dream .
There ’ s massive unemployment , and yet the stock market is surging .
We ’ ve finally achieved a perfect society .
It ’ s simply breathtaking to watch law enforcement arresting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lives .
Corporate lobbyists write up laws that only benefit the wealthy and elite .
It ’ s like a never-ending dream .
If Rockefeller or Henry Frick could see this sublime world , they would weep with joy .
I don ’ t even need to employ a servant anymore when gig workers , that I can summon with the touch of a button , can do so much more at fraction of the cost.
” Pollard added that with the rapid advancements of the past few decades he expected his children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them , would be even more unrestrained and full of possibilities .

NEW YORK—Expressing disbelief that they were so fortunate to experience a true golden age of prosperity and technological wonder, the nation’s politicians, law enforcement officers, and executives marveled Wednesday at the futuristic utopia they get to live in. “To think that I have all this at my fingertips, whether it’s automated high-volume stock trading or unlimited surveillance footage of my employees, it’s like something out of a science fiction paradise,” said pharmaceutical executive Ron Pollard, who claimed previous generations of police officers, elected officials, and business leaders could never comprehend the world of unlimited possibilities that has been created for them, where they are free to do whatever they want all the time. “Walking through these plants staffed entirely by hyper-efficient robots, facial recognition cameras, maybe even luxury space travel, it’s almost like I’m living in a dream. There’s massive unemployment, and yet the stock market is surging. We’ve finally achieved a perfect society. It’s simply breathtaking to watch law enforcement arresting citizens for just going about their daily lives. Corporate lobbyists write up laws that only benefit the wealthy and elite. It’s like a never-ending dream. If Rockefeller or Henry Frick could see this sublime world, they would weep with joy. I don’t even need to employ a servant anymore when gig workers, that I can summon with the touch of a button, can do so much more at fraction of the cost.” Pollard added that with the rapid advancements of the past few decades he expected his children would inherit a world that, for them, would be even more unrestrained and full of possibilities.


theonion--2020-05-20--Pros And Cons Of Voting By Mail

Pros And Cons Of Voting By Mail

Long-term social isolation plans due to the coronavirus pandemic have shined the spotlight on voting by mail for the remaining @ @ @ @ @ elections , a process that is already used in some states but has its share @ @ @ @ @ looks at the pros and cons of voting by mail .
Furiously research ballot measures @ @ @ @ @ of your own home Creates nice , tidy piles of mail-in ballots to be conveniently @ @ @ @ @ rent tux Potential several-day delay before being let down by outcome Eliminates only plausible excuse @ @ @ @ @ Unclear if USPS can handle huge responsibility right in middle of getting dismantled

Long-term social isolation plans due to the coronavirus pandemic have shined the spotlight on voting by mail for the remaining primaries and even the November elections, a process that is already used in some states but has its share of critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of voting by mail.
PRO
Furiously research ballot measures at last minute from comfort of your own home
Delicious adhesive on envelope
Creates nice, tidy piles of mail-in ballots to be conveniently lost somewhere
No need to rent tux
Potential several-day delay before being let down by outcome
CON
Walk to mailbox a real drag
Eliminates only plausible excuse for loitering at middle school
Candidates still fucking awful
Unclear if USPS can handle huge responsibility right in middle of getting dismantled
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Risks easily facilitating nation’s participation in democracy


theonion--2020-05-20--Report: 0.004% Of Carbon Pollution Caused By Manufacturing Of ‘Mars Needs Moms’ Promotional Apparel

NEW YORK—Directly linking a small but measurable amount of environmental damage to the production of the animated feature ’ s promotional clothing , an Environmental Defense Fund report released Wednesday revealed that 0.004 % of carbon pollution worldwide resulted from the manufacturing of apparel for the film Mars Needs Moms .
“ Our research clearly demonstrates that the creation of printed sweatshirts featuring the logo from the 2011 Disney film resulted in the release of more than 144 million tons of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and brought us one infinitesimal step closer to the brink of an irreversible climate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as we know it , ” the report read in part , noting also that the energy used in fabricating Mars Needs Moms garments for an IMAX promotional sweepstakes contributed to a 0.027 % decrease in rainfall in the Amazonian rainforest and a sea-level rise of 0.00009 millimeters , together constituting an incremental but real setback in the fight against climate change .
“ After accounting for the harvesting of raw materials , dying the fabric , and transportation of the finished product , Mars Needs Moms-branded clothing marginally contributed towards the extinction @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hawksbill turtle , the Javan rhino , and the Sumatran elephant .
It could be argued that producer Robert Zemeckis is one of the great minor villains of global warming , since were this film never made , we would be in an ever so slightly better position to preserve our environment.
” The report concluded that the manufacturing of promotional apparel for Mars Needs Moms could be the worst fractional climate disaster of its kind , surpassed only by the release of toys commemorating the 2004 CGI adaptation of Curious George .

NEW YORK—Directly linking a small but measurable amount of environmental damage to the production of the animated feature’s promotional clothing, an Environmental Defense Fund report released Wednesday revealed that 0.004% of carbon pollution worldwide resulted from the manufacturing of apparel for the film Mars Needs Moms. “Our research clearly demonstrates that the creation of printed sweatshirts featuring the logo from the 2011 Disney film resulted in the release of more than 144 million tons of greenhouse gases into the atmosphere and brought us one infinitesimal step closer to the brink of an irreversible climate crisis that will end life on earth as we know it,” the report read in part, noting also that the energy used in fabricating Mars Needs Moms garments for an IMAX promotional sweepstakes contributed to a 0.027% decrease in rainfall in the Amazonian rainforest and a sea-level rise of 0.00009 millimeters, together constituting an incremental but real setback in the fight against climate change. “After accounting for the harvesting of raw materials, dying the fabric, and transportation of the finished product, Mars Needs Moms-branded clothing marginally contributed towards the extinction of critically endangered species such as the hawksbill turtle, the Javan rhino, and the Sumatran elephant. It could be argued that producer Robert Zemeckis is one of the great minor villains of global warming, since were this film never made, we would be in an ever so slightly better position to preserve our environment.” The report concluded that the manufacturing of promotional apparel for Mars Needs Moms could be the worst fractional climate disaster of its kind, surpassed only by the release of toys commemorating the 2004 CGI adaptation of Curious George.