theonion--2020-05-05--Poll Finds Majority Of Americans Would Prefer Working Remotely After Pandemic

A survey released by IBM found that 75 % of people polled would like the option to work from home @ @ @ @ @ lifted and 54 % would prefer to work from home the majority of the time @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ If ther e was a way to slaughter geese remotely , I totally @ @ @ @ @ This whole experience has really opened my eyes to how much I truly hate my @ @ @

A survey released by IBM found that 75% of people polled would like the option to work from home occasionally once coronavirus restrictions are lifted and 54% would prefer to work from home the majority of the time. What do you think?
“If ther e was a way to slaughter geese remotely, I totally would do it.” Sophia Panepinto • Goose Butcher
“This whole experience has really opened my eyes to how much I truly hate my coworkers.” Josh Vanderpool • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-05-05--13 Adorable Photos Of Baby Farm Animals, But With Each Click, Another Appendage Will Be Cut Off Our

13 Adorable Photos Of Baby Farm Animals, But With Each Click, Another Appendage Will Be Cut Off Our Finance Director’s Body. How Far Will You Go? When Will You Let It Stop?

Here ’ s a little horsey that you just want to take home and pet all day !
And sitting @ @ @ @ @ in front of me is our finance director ’ s big toe .
Here ’ @ @ @ @ @ has passed out from the pain .
We ’ re reviving him , though , @ @ @ @ @ this psychological experiment , it ’ s best if he ’ s conscious throughout the @ @ @ @ @ fully aware he will suffer .
Do you want to continue ?

Here’s a little horsey that you just want to take home and pet all day! And sitting right here on the table in front of me is our finance director’s big toe. Here’s an update: Rick has passed out from the pain. We’re reviving him, though, because for the purposes of this psychological experiment, it’s best if he’s conscious throughout the torture so you’re fully aware he will suffer. Do you want to continue?


theonion--2020-05-05--Pizza Placed In Frozen Slumber Until Time World Needs It Most

SANTA MONICA , CA—In an effort to prepare for a coming age in which supplies have grown scarce and hunger runs rampant , a pizza was reportedly placed in frozen slumber Tuesday and will remain there until such time as the world has great need of it .
“ You are a time-traveler , venturing forth on a mission of utmost importance , ” solemn-faced local 24-year-old Victor Paulson said to the cheese and sausage pizza , gently inserting the pie into a specialized preservation chamber , which according to experts is nearly airtight and can consistently maintain a temperature @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you emerge , the world will look very different .
It will likely be in its darkest hour : a ruinous era of great deprivation and intense cravings .
Your crispy crust is not needed now , but one day you will rise from your slumber and find yourself in precisely the right place at the right time .
Until then , we must bid you farewell , noble spirit.
” At press time , reports confirmed Paulson ’ s roommate had arrived home for lunch and popped the frozen pizza in the @ @

SANTA MONICA, CA—In an effort to prepare for a coming age in which supplies have grown scarce and hunger runs rampant, a pizza was reportedly placed in frozen slumber Tuesday and will remain there until such time as the world has great need of it. “You are a time-traveler, venturing forth on a mission of utmost importance,” solemn-faced local 24-year-old Victor Paulson said to the cheese and sausage pizza, gently inserting the pie into a specialized preservation chamber, which according to experts is nearly airtight and can consistently maintain a temperature below 32 degrees Fahrenheit. “When you emerge, the world will look very different. It will likely be in its darkest hour: a ruinous era of great deprivation and intense cravings. Your crispy crust is not needed now, but one day you will rise from your slumber and find yourself in precisely the right place at the right time. Until then, we must bid you farewell, noble spirit.” At press time, reports confirmed Paulson’s roommate had arrived home for lunch and popped the frozen pizza in the oven.


theonion--2020-05-05--Man Feels Like He Gets Gist Of Enlightenment After First Few Minutes Of Hearing Zen Monk Talk

SEATTLE—While watching a dharma talk recorded at the Ancient Mountain Zen Center , local 32-year-old Mark Davis told reporters Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ pretty much got the gist of enlightenment after the first few minutes of hearing a @ @ @ @ @ Yeah , yeah , you let go of attachments , dissolve your ego , and @ @ @ @ @ he still going on about this ?
” said Davis , noting that he understood @ @ @ @ @ “ the whole nirvana thing ” within the monk ’ s initial few sentences , @ @ @ @ @ selfhood and thusness just seemed like repeating the obvious .
“ Basically , identity is @ @ @ @ @ lets you awaken to reality .
Check .
Did he really have to take 45 @ @ @ @ @ Maybe I ’ ll just skip to the end and see if he has anything @ @ @ @ @ confirmed that—at that moment—Davis became enlightened .

SEATTLE—While watching a dharma talk recorded at the Ancient Mountain Zen Center, local 32-year-old Mark Davis told reporters Tuesday that he felt like he pretty much got the gist of enlightenment after the first few minutes of hearing a Zen monk speak. “Yeah, yeah, you let go of attachments, dissolve your ego, and then you get enlightened—why is he still going on about this?” said Davis, noting that he understood the nuts and bolts of “the whole nirvana thing” within the monk’s initial few sentences, and everything after that about selfhood and thusness just seemed like repeating the obvious. “Basically, identity is an illusion and accepting that lets you awaken to reality. Check. Did he really have to take 45 minutes talking about this? Maybe I’ll just skip to the end and see if he has anything different to say.” Sources confirmed that—at that moment—Davis became enlightened.


theonion--2020-05-05--BREAKING: Millions Of Americans Sucked Out Into Space After NASA Accidentally Open Airlock Above Hea

BREAKING: Millions Of Americans Sucked Out Into Space After NASA Accidentally Open Airlock Above Headquarters

WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans were reportedly sucked into the vacuum of outer space Tuesday after the country ’ s airlock accidentally opened above NASA ’ s headquarters in what the agency is calling a significant technical error .
“ Earlier this morning , a computational malfunction opened the NASA Earth Airlock above our Washington D.C. headquarters , sending millions of individuals , cars , and livestock flying upwards into the sky and out into the reaches of outer space , ” said agency administrator Jim Bridenstine , urging concerned citizens to hold tight to any nearby flora or support beams to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rushing from the open airlock into the cold expanse of space .
“ Rest assured that we are working on a solution to temporarily patch the N.E.A.
’ s open hatch with some duct tape and a large sheet of plastic as quickly as possible .
However , we deeply apologize for any who have lost a loved one , whether through differential pressure crushing their skull or simply being jettisoned into the unfathomable depths of space.
” Agency administrators admitted this was the worst terrestrial airlock accident since 1969 's Apollo 11 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ V rocket out of the Earth ’ s atmosphere and directly to the surface of the Moon .

WASHINGTON—Millions of Americans were reportedly sucked into the vacuum of outer space Tuesday after the country’s airlock accidentally opened above NASA’s headquarters in what the agency is calling a significant technical error. “Earlier this morning, a computational malfunction opened the NASA Earth Airlock above our Washington D.C. headquarters, sending millions of individuals, cars, and livestock flying upwards into the sky and out into the reaches of outer space,” said agency administrator Jim Bridenstine, urging concerned citizens to hold tight to any nearby flora or support beams to cope with the explosive depressurization and oxygen rushing from the open airlock into the cold expanse of space. “Rest assured that we are working on a solution to temporarily patch the N.E.A.’s open hatch with some duct tape and a large sheet of plastic as quickly as possible. However, we deeply apologize for any who have lost a loved one, whether through differential pressure crushing their skull or simply being jettisoned into the unfathomable depths of space.” Agency administrators admitted this was the worst terrestrial airlock accident since 1969's Apollo 11 mission when rapid depressurization catapulted the Saturn V rocket out of the Earth’s atmosphere and directly to the surface of the Moon.


theonion--2020-05-05--Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 5, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 5, 2020

The powers that be will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they ’ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t be officially recognized as the first blind person to drive across North @ @ @ @ @ your eyes just before crossing the finish line .

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The powers that be will get back to you on that pesky legal matter with the news that they’re sorry, but you can’t be officially recognized as the first blind person to drive across North America if you put out your eyes just before crossing the finish line.


theonion--2020-05-05--Invasive ‘Murder Hornets’ Confirmed In U.S.

Scientists confirmed that Asian giant hornets , which are known to decapitate entire hives of honeybees and have a venomous @ @ @ @ @ if stung multiple times , have been discovered in Washington state for the first time @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I think we all have two questions : who will be the first @ @ @ @ @ how much will they get paid ?
” “ Ugh , the last thing I @ @ @ @ @ be stung to death by hornets .
”

Scientists confirmed that Asian giant hornets, which are known to decapitate entire hives of honeybees and have a venomous sting that can kill humans if stung multiple times, have been discovered in Washington state for the first time. What do you think?
“And still, no arrests.” Chris Niederjohn • Cannon Operator
“I think we all have two questions: who will be the first to eat one, and how much will they get paid?” Elliott Bensen • Cement Truck Cleaner
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theonion--2020-05-05--Best At-Home Workouts To Do When Your Head Is Stuck In The Banister

Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio !
We ’ ll walk you through @ @ @ @ @ do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head ’ @ @ @ @ @ wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Being caught in the stairs is no excuse to forgo your daily cardio! We’ll walk you through a great workout you can do at home that will take your mind off the fact that your head’s been stuck between two wooden rails for the last three hours and you might die that way.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-06--Major Airlines Will Require Passengers Wear Masks During Flights

With air travel down 96 % , several U.S. airlines have announced that passengers will now be required to wear @ @ @ @ @ , lounges , boarding gates , and on the plane for the duration of their @ @ @ @ @ think ?

With air travel down 96%, several U.S. airlines have announced that passengers will now be required to wear face coverings at check-in areas, lounges, boarding gates, and on the plane for the duration of their flight. What do you think?
“Fine, but then I’m n ot wearing my seatbelt.” Dina Newbern • Eggplant Harvester
“Even in first class?” Lewis Margulies • Uniform Designer
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theonion--2020-05-06--Man Just Can’t Be With Someone Who He Projects So Many Of His Own Flaws Onto

WESTCHESTER , MA—Admitting he simply couldn ’ t shake many of the concerns he had about his current girlfriend , local man Stephen Lashley told reporters Wednesday that he couldn ’ t be with someone who he projects so many of his flaws onto .
“ Obviously , Sarah is nice , but when you get down to it , I really can ’ t see myself spending my life with a person who I subconsciously use to foist off all my insecurities , sexual inadequacies , and personal failings , ” said Lashley of the nagging feeling that something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feeling that was only exacerbated when he looked at his partner and immediately deconstructed her into a symbol of his inability to express affection or maintain authentic friendships with virtually anyone in his life .
“ At first , it was easy to ignore , but pretty soon , it became rather glaring how she was basically just a mental mirror I had created , reflecting back all my worries that I ’ m not attractive enough or creative or particularly interesting in conversation .
Honestly , we ’ re two very different @ @ @ @ @ @ @ regular guy , and she ’ s a psychic embodiment of all the ways I have failed in life .
I don ’ t know how you reconcile those things.
” Lashley admitted that many of his girlfriend ’ s problems—such as her minuscule penis and fears of ever becoming a father—simply might be unfixable .

WESTCHESTER, MA—Admitting he simply couldn’t shake many of the concerns he had about his current girlfriend, local man Stephen Lashley told reporters Wednesday that he couldn’t be with someone who he projects so many of his flaws onto. “Obviously, Sarah is nice, but when you get down to it, I really can’t see myself spending my life with a person who I subconsciously use to foist off all my insecurities, sexual inadequacies, and personal failings,” said Lashley of the nagging feeling that something was missing from their relationship, a feeling that was only exacerbated when he looked at his partner and immediately deconstructed her into a symbol of his inability to express affection or maintain authentic friendships with virtually anyone in his life. “At first, it was easy to ignore, but pretty soon, it became rather glaring how she was basically just a mental mirror I had created, reflecting back all my worries that I’m not attractive enough or creative or particularly interesting in conversation. Honestly, we’re two very different people: I’m just a regular guy, and she’s a psychic embodiment of all the ways I have failed in life. I don’t know how you reconcile those things.” Lashley admitted that many of his girlfriend’s problems—such as her minuscule penis and fears of ever becoming a father—simply might be unfixable.


theonion--2020-05-06--Elon Musk Debuts New Self-Parenting Child

PALO ALTO , CA—Proudly showing off his latest innovation , Tesla CEO Elon Musk debuted an all-new self-parenting child Wednesday @ @ @ @ @ most intuitive baby we ’ ve ever seen—it ’ s completely hands off , ” @ @ @ @ @ how the breakthrough was motivated by his desire for a baby he would never need @ @ @ @ @ We ’ re talking maximum baby for minimal effort .
With this kid , you @ @ @ @ @ it .
Simply sit back , relax , and watch some Mandalorian .
You never @ @ @ @ @ rearing .
Some people will try to tell you it ’ s dangerous not to @ @ @ @ @ this thing is wired with state-of-the-art algorithms that make any safety concerns irrelevant.
” At @ @ @ @ @ retracted his statements after the baby had unexpectedly exploded .

PALO ALTO, CA—Proudly showing off his latest innovation, Tesla CEO Elon Musk debuted an all-new self-parenting child Wednesday. “This is the most intuitive baby we’ve ever seen—it’s completely hands off,” said Musk, who explained how the breakthrough was motivated by his desire for a baby he would never need to think about. “We’re talking maximum baby for minimal effort. With this kid, you just set it and forget it. Simply sit back, relax, and watch some Mandalorian. You never have to worry about child rearing. Some people will try to tell you it’s dangerous not to parent your child, but this thing is wired with state-of-the-art algorithms that make any safety concerns irrelevant.” At press time, Musk had retracted his statements after the baby had unexpectedly exploded.


theonion--2020-05-06--Study Finds Skin Melting Off Your Hands Revealing Bones Beneath Best Indication You’re About To Have

Study Finds Skin Melting Off Your Hands Revealing Bones Beneath Best Indication You’re About To Have A Bad Trip

SANTA CRUZ , CA—In an investigation of how different variables can predict the effects of hallucinogenic drugs , a new study published Wednesday found that the skin of one ’ s hands dissolving into a puddle to reveal the bones beneath provided the best indication that one was about to have a bad trip .
“ Among participants administered LSD , 98.2 % of those who held up their hands to watch as their skin dripped off and their muscles ripped away from their bones went on to report highly unsatisfactory outcomes with the drug , ” said Bill Tasker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , explaining that his research team conducted its survey from a random sample of naked , screaming individuals found cowering in a corner of the room .
“ We also discovered strong correlations between bad trips and slowly sinking into the carpet as the walls shout obscenities at you , suddenly realizing you are an incubating fetus of dark matter trapped in a black hole , and looking into a mirror to see all of your teeth pack up their suitcases and walk out of your mouth .
As such , we recommend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ glass of water and try to calm down a bit before taking their next dose.
” Paradoxically , the study found that if your skin , bones , and entire body melt completely into the earth and you and all the matter in the universe become indistinguishable parts of the same cosmic dance , then you are about to have the best goddamn experience of your life .

SANTA CRUZ, CA—In an investigation of how different variables can predict the effects of hallucinogenic drugs, a new study published Wednesday found that the skin of one’s hands dissolving into a puddle to reveal the bones beneath provided the best indication that one was about to have a bad trip. “Among participants administered LSD, 98.2% of those who held up their hands to watch as their skin dripped off and their muscles ripped away from their bones went on to report highly unsatisfactory outcomes with the drug,” said Bill Tasker of the Multidisciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies, explaining that his research team conducted its survey from a random sample of naked, screaming individuals found cowering in a corner of the room. “We also discovered strong correlations between bad trips and slowly sinking into the carpet as the walls shout obscenities at you, suddenly realizing you are an incubating fetus of dark matter trapped in a black hole, and looking into a mirror to see all of your teeth pack up their suitcases and walk out of your mouth. As such, we recommend those who experience such phenomena drink a glass of water and try to calm down a bit before taking their next dose.” Paradoxically, the study found that if your skin, bones, and entire body melt completely into the earth and you and all the matter in the universe become indistinguishable parts of the same cosmic dance, then you are about to have the best goddamn experience of your life.


theonion--2020-05-06--Biden Campaign Considering Using The Internet To Attract Voters

PHILADELPHIA—Saying it was definitely something they were looking into , officials with Joe Biden ’ s presidential campaign confirmed to reporters Wednesday they were actively exploring the possibility of using the internet to attract voters .
“ We may use it , we may not , but yes , it is one of the outreach tools on our radar at this time , ” said Biden 2020 co-chair Cedric Richmond , adding that the campaign “ didn ’ t want to get ahead of itself , ” but if surveys showed there was a sizable block of registered voters using @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two or three staffers to work on the internet full-time .
“ It ’ s pretty cutting-edge stuff .
The web can send text and images right to people ’ s computer screens , so it may actually turn out to be an effective means of spreading the vice president ’ s message .
And who knows , there might even be a way to raise money through the internet .
We ’ ll be conducting more research into the matter as soon as we install the free trial disk we have in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Biden campaign had reportedly published a single standard-definition photo of the presumptive Democratic nominee on a Blogger account set to private .

PHILADELPHIA—Saying it was definitely something they were looking into, officials with Joe Biden’s presidential campaign confirmed to reporters Wednesday they were actively exploring the possibility of using the internet to attract voters. “We may use it, we may not, but yes, it is one of the outreach tools on our radar at this time,” said Biden 2020 co-chair Cedric Richmond, adding that the campaign “didn’t want to get ahead of itself,” but if surveys showed there was a sizable block of registered voters using the technology, it might eventually hire two or three staffers to work on the internet full-time. “It’s pretty cutting-edge stuff. The web can send text and images right to people’s computer screens, so it may actually turn out to be an effective means of spreading the vice president’s message. And who knows, there might even be a way to raise money through the internet. We’ll be conducting more research into the matter as soon as we install the free trial disk we have in our files.” At press time, the Biden campaign had reportedly published a single standard-definition photo of the presumptive Democratic nominee on a Blogger account set to private.


theonion--2020-05-06--Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technici

Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technicians

GRAND RAPIDS , MI—Training night and day in an abandoned strip mall complex , a conservative militia group has been preparing for societal collapse by training as hairstylists , nail technicians , and cosmetologists , sources confirmed Wednesday .
“ When the shit hits the fan , we ’ ll be the ones who are ready to take care of ourselves with the latest hair colors , nail applications , and specialized skin-care treatments , ” militia member Wayne Donnell , 54 , said as he drilled a group of children , some as young as 7 , in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We ’ re actively recruiting tanning bed operators to join the fight , and we ’ re stockpiling styling gel so we ’ ll have something to barter after the dollar flatlines .
Of course , we also have a bunker full of diesel generators , which are crucial if you want to be able to operate hair dryers and curling irons off the grid .
I ’ d advise others to do likewise .
If you and every member of your family can ’ t at least execute a decent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t gon na be much hope for you under the New World Order.
” Donnell went on to state that those who failed to prepare for the fall of society had better not come crying to him when they needed a Brazilian blowout .

GRAND RAPIDS, MI—Training night and day in an abandoned strip mall complex, a conservative militia group has been preparing for societal collapse by training as hairstylists, nail technicians, and cosmetologists, sources confirmed Wednesday. “When the shit hits the fan, we’ll be the ones who are ready to take care of ourselves with the latest hair colors, nail applications, and specialized skin-care treatments,” militia member Wayne Donnell, 54, said as he drilled a group of children, some as young as 7, in the basics of administering a seaweed body wrap. “We’re actively recruiting tanning bed operators to join the fight, and we’re stockpiling styling gel so we’ll have something to barter after the dollar flatlines. Of course, we also have a bunker full of diesel generators, which are crucial if you want to be able to operate hair dryers and curling irons off the grid. I’d advise others to do likewise. If you and every member of your family can’t at least execute a decent mani-pedi, then brother, there ain’t gonna be much hope for you under the New World Order.” Donnell went on to state that those who failed to prepare for the fall of society had better not come crying to him when they needed a Brazilian blowout.


theonion--2020-05-06--How Contact Tracing Works

How Contact Tracing Works

As governments look to reopen social life in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic , some officials and tech industry @ @ @ @ @ contact tracing to limit the disease ’ s spread .
The Onion takes a step-by-step @ @ @ @ @ works .
STEP 1 : Health officials infect someone with coronavirus so they have a @ @ @ @ @ 2 : Government desperately searches for partnership with any tech company willing to possess access @ @ @ @ @ .
STEP 6 : Contact tracing smartphone app asks you to invite a friend or @ @ @ @ @ find out if you ’ ve been exposed to coronavirus .
STEP 8 : Contacts @ @ @ @ @ who exposed them to coronavirus even though it was obviously Rebecca .
STEP 9 : @ @ @ @ @ to privacy vanish forever .
STEP 10 : Nation enters second quarantine because who are @ @ @

As governments look to reopen social life in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, some officials and tech industry leaders have proposed or implemented contact tracing to limit the disease’s spread. The Onion takes a step-by-step look at how contact tracing works.
STEP 1: Health officials infect someone with coronavirus so they have a place to start.
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STEP 2: Government desperately searches for partnership with any tech company willing to possess access to everyone’s whereabouts.
STEP 3: Patient describes contacts to CDC sketch artist.
STEP 4: Officials confirm infected person’s pathetic number of social contacts accurate.
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STEP 5: Velvet letter “C” stitched into every infected person’s cloak.
STEP 6: Contact tracing smartphone app asks you to invite a friend or spend five rainbow diamonds to find out if you’ve been exposed to coronavirus.
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STEP 7: Asymptomatic person’s day fucking ruined.
STEP 8: Contacts not told identity of individual who exposed them to coronavirus even though it was obviously Rebecca.
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STEP 9: Few more notions about right to privacy vanish forever.
STEP 10: Nation enters second quarantine because who are we kidding?


theonion--2020-05-06--Facebook Cracking Down On Misinformation By Warning Users Who Share Links From Facebook

MENLO PARK , CA—In an effort to slow the proliferation of fake news , tech giant Facebook announced plans Wednesday @ @ @ @ @ by warning users who share links from Facebook .
“ We want users to see @ @ @ @ @ , so we ’ re flagging disreputable sites like Facebook that often traffic in political @ @ @ @ @ ” said Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg , citing data analysis that repeatedly found hate speech @ @ @ @ @ social media network .
“ This platform has regularly skirted our community standards , and @ @ @ @ @ put our foot down .
We ’ re taking steps to protect our users by @ @ @ @ @ them to more reputable resources such as Instagram .
We know many users don ’ @ @ @ @ @ , but it ’ s on us to moderate the News Feed .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ : Facebook has no place on Facebook.
” At press time , Sandberg confirmed the @ @ @ @ @ spread of misinformation after deleting all of Facebook .

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to slow the proliferation of fake news, tech giant Facebook announced plans Wednesday to crack down on misinformation by warning users who share links from Facebook. “We want users to see accurate information on our platform, so we’re flagging disreputable sites like Facebook that often traffic in political propaganda for financial incentive,” said Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg, citing data analysis that repeatedly found hate speech and spam originating from the social media network. “This platform has regularly skirted our community standards, and it’s time to put our foot down. We’re taking steps to protect our users by removing harmful content and redirecting them to more reputable resources such as Instagram. We know many users don’t knowingly share Facebook links, but it’s on us to moderate the News Feed. It’s time to face facts: Facebook has no place on Facebook.” At press time, Sandberg confirmed the website had significantly reduced the spread of misinformation after deleting all of Facebook.


theonion--2020-05-06--The Top 10 Celebrity Pip Blips

The Top 10 Celebrity Pip Blips

What ’ s flipping hot , has yip-a-licious snips , and rhymes with Plennifer-Ganiston-quip-whip ?
Why , a Jennifer Aniston @ @ @ @ @ !
And none too wibbly , either !

What’s flipping hot, has yip-a-licious snips, and rhymes with Plennifer-Ganiston-quip-whip? Why, a Jennifer Aniston pip blip, of course! And none too wibbly, either!


theonion--2020-05-06--Nobody Panic: Bulbasaur Found A Gun

Nobody Panic: Bulbasaur Found A Gun

Alright , gamers , remain calm , but we have a situation on our hands .
We don ’ t know how it happened or how long this is going to last , but it looks like everyone ’ s favorite Gen 1 Leaf Pokémon has found a gun .
Nobody panic .
We can figure this out , okay ?
The good news is that for the moment Bulbasaur is just kind of poking around at it the revolver with his muzzle .
Unfortunately , he looks nervous enough that any slight movement could startle him into pressing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way we can know .
It ’ s also unclear if he knows how to fire a gun , or if he ’ s even aware of what a dangerous weapon is currently in his possession .
This is a .44 caliber revolver we ’ re talking about .
It could take your head clear off in a single shot .
Oh , shit , he just nudged it really hard .
Oh , shit .
What ’ s most concerning is that the gun appears to be fully loaded and he ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with the safety ... gamers , this is very , very bad .
We might be able to talk to him in a soothing voice to distract him .
Yeah , maybe that ’ s it .
We ’ ll just try to calm him down and slowly take the gun away from—Jesus Christ !
Readers , Bulbasaur just shot a hole in the wall .
He has figured out how to use the gun .
It may have been a warning shot or a misfire , we don ’ t know .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ name over and over .
That ’ s it .
We ’ re calling the cops .
We don ’ t care if they have to shoot Bulbasaur on sight .
This is getting out of hand .

Alright, gamers, remain calm, but we have a situation on our hands. We don’t know how it happened or how long this is going to last, but it looks like everyone’s favorite Gen 1 Leaf Pokémon has found a gun.
Nobody panic. We can figure this out, okay?
The good news is that for the moment Bulbasaur is just kind of poking around at it the revolver with his muzzle. Unfortunately, he looks nervous enough that any slight movement could startle him into pressing the trigger. There’s just no way we can know. It’s also unclear if he knows how to fire a gun, or if he’s even aware of what a dangerous weapon is currently in his possession. This is a .44 caliber revolver we’re talking about. It could take your head clear off in a single shot.
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Oh, shit, he just nudged it really hard. Oh, shit.
What’s most concerning is that the gun appears to be fully loaded and he’s now using his vines to fiddle with the safety...gamers, this is very, very bad. We might be able to talk to him in a soothing voice to distract him. Yeah, maybe that’s it. We’ll just try to calm him down and slowly take the gun away from—Jesus Christ!
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Fuck.
Readers, Bulbasaur just shot a hole in the wall. He has figured out how to use the gun. It may have been a warning shot or a misfire, we don’t know. He’s just saying his own name over and over. That’s it. We’re calling the cops. We don’t care if they have to shoot Bulbasaur on sight. This is getting out of hand.


theonion--2020-05-06--Michelle Obama ‘Becoming’ Netflix Documentary Spends First Hour On Embryonic Stage

LOS ANGELES—Calling the upcoming release “ surprisingly intimate , ” sources confirmed Wednesday that Becoming , the new Netflix documentary about Michelle Obama , spends the first hour on the former first lady ’ s time spent in the embryonic stage .
“ It ’ s fascinating to explore this undiscussed time in Michelle Obama ’ s life where she was merely an embryo feeding off nutrients from a yolk sac , ” said film critic Robert Vogt , describing how the first two-thirds of the film depict Obama ’ s first eight weeks in the womb , followed by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ running through her time in the fetal stage up to 2016 .
“ The embryonic stage was an extremely formative time for her .
Even if you ’ re not the biggest fan of Michelle or Barack Obama , it ’ s inspiring to see how one of the most powerful women in the world started off as a mass of cells in a uterus .
Little did that single-layered blastula on the South Side of Chicago know that she would one day become a multi-layered gastrula.
” At press time , Vogt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” remarking that the filmmakers could have spent a little more time focusing on the germinal stage in the fallopian tubes .

LOS ANGELES—Calling the upcoming release “surprisingly intimate,” sources confirmed Wednesday that Becoming, the new Netflix documentary about Michelle Obama, spends the first hour on the former first lady’s time spent in the embryonic stage. “It’s fascinating to explore this undiscussed time in Michelle Obama’s life where she was merely an embryo feeding off nutrients from a yolk sac,” said film critic Robert Vogt, describing how the first two-thirds of the film depict Obama’s first eight weeks in the womb, followed by the final 30 minutes of the film running through her time in the fetal stage up to 2016. “The embryonic stage was an extremely formative time for her. Even if you’re not the biggest fan of Michelle or Barack Obama, it’s inspiring to see how one of the most powerful women in the world started off as a mass of cells in a uterus. Little did that single-layered blastula on the South Side of Chicago know that she would one day become a multi-layered gastrula.” At press time, Vogt admitted the documentary was “imperfect,” remarking that the filmmakers could have spent a little more time focusing on the germinal stage in the fallopian tubes.


theonion--2020-05-06--Carnival Cruise Line To Resume Service In August

Carnival Cruise Line , whose fleet has been docked since the CDC issued a No Sail Order in March , @ @ @ @ @ in August starting with cruises out of ports in Texas and Florida .
What do @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll be s ure to wipe down the hips of the person in front @ @ @ @ @ line.
” “ Good , we could use more controlled experiments to help determine the @ @ @ @ @ rate.
” “ Yes , then we kill the virus in international waters .
Very @ @ @

Carnival Cruise Line, whose fleet has been docked since the CDC issued a No Sail Order in March, announced plans to resume sailing in August starting with cruises out of ports in Texas and Florida. What do you think?
“I’ll be s ure to wipe down the hips of the person in front of me in the conga line.” Alvin Catalano • Orthopedic Blacksmith
“Good, we could use more controlled experiments to help determine the virus’s true death rate.” Lorena Woolner • Blanket Smoother
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theonion--2020-05-06--The Top 10 Prevented Nip Slips

The Top 10 Prevented Nip Slips

TV legend Alan Alda was careful to wear a suit and tie during his walk down the red carpet , @ @ @ @ @ those nips !

TV legend Alan Alda was careful to wear a suit and tie during his walk down the red carpet, preventing the world from seeing those nips!


theonion--2020-05-06--Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2-Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers

In an incredible showing of generosity , Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual @ @ @ @ @ gravy in an effort to help support the company ’ s furloughed workers .
Hear @ @ @ @ @ thanking their heroic CEO .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

In an incredible showing of generosity, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced that he will be forgoing his annual bonus of warm, thick gravy in an effort to help support the company’s furloughed workers. Hear how Boston Market employees are thanking their heroic CEO.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-07--‘Hey,’ Says Chloë Sevigny In Cool, Unaffected Greeting To Firstborn

NEW YORK—In a manner sources described as “ effortlessly chill , ” actress Chloë Sevigny reportedly said “ Hey ” @ @ @ @ @ unaffected greeting to her firstborn child .
“ Oh , hey , what ’ s @ @ @ @ @ , addressing her newborn son for the first time with mild interest as she glanced @ @ @ @ @ New here ?
Mmm .
So you ’ re a baby ?
I was once @ @ @ @ @ your name .
Well , I got to run .
Later.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ laughing boisterously at something clever her baby must have said .

NEW YORK—In a manner sources described as “effortlessly chill,” actress Chloë Sevigny reportedly said “Hey” Thursday in a cool, unaffected greeting to her firstborn child. “Oh, hey, what’s up?” said Sevigny, addressing her newborn son for the first time with mild interest as she glanced around the room. “New here? Mmm. So you’re a baby? I was once a baby. I like your name. Well, I got to run. Later.” At press time, sources confirmed Sevigny was laughing boisterously at something clever her baby must have said.


theonion--2020-05-07--NYPD Officer Hopes Black Teen Only Coughing Because He Just Choked Him

NEW YORK—Expressing concerns about contracting Covid-19 from the interaction , NYPD officer Bruce MacLeod confirmed Thursday that he hoped a @ @ @ @ @ coughing because he had just been choking him .
“ Oh God , please let @ @ @ @ @ cough and not a dry cough , ” said MacLeod , explaining that he should @ @ @ @ @ donned a mask before forcibly cutting off the unarmed black teen ’ s airway with @ @ @ @ @ promised my wife and kids that until this pandemic is behind us , I would @ @ @ @ @ a safe distance , but unfortunately , I got carried away .
I didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ going in and suffocating him because it ’ s such a habit to beat these @ @ @ @ @ .
And given that seven of us tackled him , it might mean we all @ @ @ @ @ time , MacLeod slowly sang the alphabet song twice while washing the black teen ’ @ @ @ @ @ .

NEW YORK—Expressing concerns about contracting Covid-19 from the interaction, NYPD officer Bruce MacLeod confirmed Thursday that he hoped a local black teen was only coughing because he had just been choking him. “Oh God, please let that be a barely clinging-to-life cough and not a dry cough,” said MacLeod, explaining that he should have followed police protocol and donned a mask before forcibly cutting off the unarmed black teen’s airway with a nightstick. “I promised my wife and kids that until this pandemic is behind us, I would just shoot black teens from a safe distance, but unfortunately, I got carried away. I didn’t even think twice about going in and suffocating him because it’s such a habit to beat these black kids to a pulp. And given that seven of us tackled him, it might mean we all have it.” At press time, MacLeod slowly sang the alphabet song twice while washing the black teen’s blood off his hands.


theonion--2020-05-07--‘Light ’Em Up, Boys!’ Shouts Gun-Toting CDC Grunt After Hundreds Of Baby Coronaviruses Burst Out Of

‘Light ’Em Up, Boys!’ Shouts Gun-Toting CDC Grunt After Hundreds Of Baby Coronaviruses Burst Out Of Pulsating Nest

NEW YORK—Muttering “ mother of God ” while shining a flashlight on the tunnel ceiling where the sticky substance he just stepped in seemed to be dripping from , gun-strapped CDC grunt Brock Lyndon reportedly yelled “ Light ’ em up , boys ” Wednesday just as hundreds of baby coronaviruses burst out of their pulsating nest in the bowels of the New York City transit system .
“ Looks like coronavirus hunting season is officially open , gentleme n , ” said the smirking captain of the CDC tactical team , who squeezed the trigger of his M134 minigun @ @ @ @ @ @ @ squirming viruses , which sent a wave of Covid-19 spawn scuttling across the walls , floor , and ceiling toward the city above .
“ Welcome to New York , motherfuckers !
Looks like this will be your last stop .
Just like squishing roaches , huh , Nitro ?
Carter , grab the fucking flamethrower !
Torch these bastards !
Christ , they ’ re everywhere !
Carter ?
Oh shit , they got Carter !
” At press time , Lyndon was overheard telling his team to go on without him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into the center of the swarm to set off the tactical nuke that had failed to detonate remotely .

NEW YORK—Muttering “mother of God” while shining a flashlight on the tunnel ceiling where the sticky substance he just stepped in seemed to be dripping from, gun-strapped CDC grunt Brock Lyndon reportedly yelled “Light ’em up, boys” Wednesday just as hundreds of baby coronaviruses burst out of their pulsating nest in the bowels of the New York City transit system. “Looks like coronavirus hunting season is officially open, gentleme n,” said the smirking captain of the CDC tactical team, who squeezed the trigger of his M134 minigun and sprayed bullets at the mass of squirming viruses, which sent a wave of Covid-19 spawn scuttling across the walls, floor, and ceiling toward the city above. “Welcome to New York, motherfuckers! Looks like this will be your last stop. Just like squishing roaches, huh, Nitro? Carter, grab the fucking flamethrower! Torch these bastards! Christ, they’re everywhere! Carter? Oh shit, they got Carter!” At press time, Lyndon was overheard telling his team to go on without him before lighting a cigar and marching straight into the center of the swarm to set off the tactical nuke that had failed to detonate remotely.


theonion--2020-05-07--Rich College Student Trying To Find Shabbiest Angle In Parents’ Penthouse To Zoom Into Class From

SAN FRANCISCO—Searching the expansive property for a location that wouldn ’ t be too ostentatious , college student Maria Visone @ @ @ @ @ shabbiest angle in her parents ’ penthouse to Zoom into class from , sources confirmed @ @ @ @ @ can kind of just point it against this corner and no one will see the @ @ @ @ @ said Visone , who had reportedly ruled out the great room because of the obvious @ @ @ @ @ as well as the downstairs guest bathroom due to the French windows showcasing the Golden @ @ @ @ @ any room with a fireplace is out , which severely limits my options .
And @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s somewhere the mastiffs won ’ t run in and jump in my @ @ @ @ @ only I had remembered to mention this to the maid , she could have just @ @ @ @ @ exercise room yesterday and it would have been perfect.
” At press time , Visone @ @ @ @ @ patch of white wall space between the chandelier and an original Rothko .

SAN FRANCISCO—Searching the expansive property for a location that wouldn’t be too ostentatious, college student Maria Visone was attempting to find the shabbiest angle in her parents’ penthouse to Zoom into class from, sources confirmed Thursday. “Maybe I can kind of just point it against this corner and no one will see the home movie theater,” said Visone, who had reportedly ruled out the great room because of the obvious noise from the water feature as well as the downstairs guest bathroom due to the French windows showcasing the Golden Gate Bridge. “Basically any room with a fireplace is out, which severely limits my options. And I have to make sure it’s somewhere the mastiffs won’t run in and jump in my lap. Damn, if only I had remembered to mention this to the maid, she could have just taken everything out of the exercise room yesterday and it would have been perfect.” At press time, Visone had settled on a 6-inch patch of white wall space between the chandelier and an original Rothko.


theonion--2020-05-07--Scientists Study Llamas In Quest For Coronavirus Treatment

Researchers in Belgium are studying whether antibodies from llamas could help neutralize Covid-19 infections , noting that the animals produce @ @ @ @ @ to bind to the coronavirus ’ s spiky exterior .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ never get those crucial six weeks back when llamas did nothing.
” “ All right @ @ @ @ @ .
Llamas are not God ’ s most profound failure.
” “ Are they sure @ @ @ @ @ alpacas ?
It ’ s pretty easy to get the two confused .
”

Researchers in Belgium are studying whether antibodies from llamas could help neutralize Covid-19 infections, noting that the animals produce proteins that have the ability to bind to the coronavirus’s spiky exterior. What do you think?
“But we’ll never get those crucial six weeks back when llamas did nothing.” Roy Canonero • Systems Analyst
“All right, I take it back. Llamas are not God’s most profound failure.” Leah Alcott • Oven Installer
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theonion--2020-05-07--God Cleans Cosmos After Discovering Universe Infested With Ants

THE HEAVENS—Jumping up from His celestial throne after He felt a tickling sensation around His ankle , the Lord God Almighty , Maker of Heaven and Earth , reportedly discovered Thursday that the universe was infested with ants and quickly set about cleaning every corner of the cosmos .
“ For crying out loud , they ’ re all over the Andromeda Galaxy , the Milky Way , everywhere—my whole majestic creation is positively crawling with them , ” God said upon noticing a 4-light-year-long line of the insects stretching from Proxima Centauri to a discarded soda can near the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scrub down with bleach .
“ Okay , I see , they ’ re all coming from that black hole over in the Perseus Cluster .
I ’ m going to have to spray a can of Raid in there , and then maybe throw down a couple of those bait traps to keep them from spreading across the entirety of space and time .
Ugh .
At least they didn ’ t get into the fucking pantry this time.
” Heavenly sources stated that the Author of Our Eternal Salvation had also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ might be able to get an exterminator up there .

THE HEAVENS—Jumping up from His celestial throne after He felt a tickling sensation around His ankle, the Lord God Almighty, Maker of Heaven and Earth, reportedly discovered Thursday that the universe was infested with ants and quickly set about cleaning every corner of the cosmos. “For crying out loud, they’re all over the Andromeda Galaxy, the Milky Way, everywhere—my whole majestic creation is positively crawling with them,” God said upon noticing a 4-light-year-long line of the insects stretching from Proxima Centauri to a discarded soda can near the Kuiper Belt, which He proceeded to scrub down with bleach. “Okay, I see, they’re all coming from that black hole over in the Perseus Cluster. I’m going to have to spray a can of Raid in there, and then maybe throw down a couple of those bait traps to keep them from spreading across the entirety of space and time. Ugh. At least they didn’t get into the fucking pantry this time.” Heavenly sources stated that the Author of Our Eternal Salvation had also contacted Earth to see how soon He might be able to get an exterminator up there.


theonion--2020-05-07--Golden Boy Boxing Applies For PPP Loan To Continue Paying Off Judges

LOS ANGELES—Calling scorekeepers the foundational pillars of their business , representatives from Golden Boy Promotions announced plans Friday to apply @ @ @ @ @ loan to continue paying off boxing judges during the coronavirus pandemic .
“ We ’ @ @ @ @ @ right now , but that doesn ’ t mean we ’ ll abandon our contract @ @ @ @ @ Oscar De La Hoya , who warned that judges going months without bribes would send @ @ @ @ @ sports industry that could leave it completely unable to function .
“ We ’ re @ @ @ @ @ we don ’ t have a lot of liquid assets , so hopefully , the @ @ @ @ @ loan , and we can start sending out these briefcases of cash .
Judges depend @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s not the flashiest job in the world , but you don @ @ @ @ @ Canelo [ Alavarez ] without paying judges for more desirable scores.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ plans to forgo his salary to help keep referees on the payroll .

LOS ANGELES—Calling scorekeepers the foundational pillars of their business, representatives from Golden Boy Promotions announced plans Friday to apply for a Paycheck Protection Program loan to continue paying off boxing judges during the coronavirus pandemic. “We’re not bringing much money right now, but that doesn’t mean we’ll abandon our contract employees,” said founder Oscar De La Hoya, who warned that judges going months without bribes would send shock waves throughout the combat sports industry that could leave it completely unable to function. “We’re at a point now where we don’t have a lot of liquid assets, so hopefully, the government steps up with a loan, and we can start sending out these briefcases of cash. Judges depend on us for their livelihoods. It’s not the flashiest job in the world, but you don’t get stars like Canelo [Alavarez] without paying judges for more desirable scores.” At press time, De La Hoya announced plans to forgo his salary to help keep referees on the payroll.


theonion--2020-05-07--REWIND! 10 Sharp Knives That Scarred You For Life

Don ’ t remember this guy ?
Think hard .
Hot July day , your kitchen , the screen door @ @ @ @ @ went outside .
Come on , you remember—staring down at your hands , slipping on @ @ @ @ @ you ran out to tell mom .
Is it coming back now ?

Don’t remember this guy? Think hard. Hot July day, your kitchen, the screen door shutting as everyone except you went outside. Come on, you remember—staring down at your hands, slipping on the floor moments later as you ran out to tell mom. Is it coming back now?


theonion--2020-05-07--Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Figh

Quiet City Streets Allow Neighborhood Residents To Hear The Natural Sounds Of Couples’ Blow-Out Fights

With the hustle and bustle of everyday life , it ’ s easy to forget they ’ re there .
@ @ @ @ @ pandemic brings society to a screeching halt , the beautiful sounds of the natural world @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

With the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it’s easy to forget they’re there. But, as the coronavirus pandemic brings society to a screeching halt, the beautiful sounds of the natural world have begun to reemerge.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-07--1 In 5 Wendy’s Restaurants Currently Out Of Beef

Nearly 20 % of Wendy ’ s restaurants are currently unable to serve hamburgers as the company faces meat shortages @ @ @ @ @ with analysts noting the fast food chain has been harder hit than its competitors because @ @ @ @ @ its products .
What do you think ?
“ That ’ s okay .
I @ @ @ @ @ the atmosphere anyways.
” “ And I was the crazy one for stockpiling thousands of @ @ @ @ @ “ That ’ s why it ’ s important to always know the locations of @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Nearly 20% of Wendy’s restaurants are currently unable to serve hamburgers as the company faces meat shortages due to the pandemic, with analysts noting the fast food chain has been harder hit than its competitors because it uses fresher beef for its products. What do you think?
“That’s okay. I g o there more for the atmosphere anyways.” Michele Chenoweth • Paper Bag Folder
“And I was the crazy one for stockpiling thousands of Baconators, huh?” Maury Bright • Laundry Separator
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theonion--2020-05-08--Experts Warn Unemployment Rate Could Soon Rise To America Is The Greatest Country In The World

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of mounting job losses amidst a worldwide pandemic , top economists in the Trump administration warned Friday that the national unemployment rate could continue its rise to the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world .
“ As today ’ s report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicates , our job market has reached America is truly a shining city upon a hill , a nation whose beacon light guides freedom-loving people everywhere , ” White House economic adviser Kevin Hassett said as he gestured toward a graph that showed the U.S. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Old Glory herself , which waved majestically in the wind , a halo of dazzling fireworks bursting around her stars and stripes .
“ This is a worrisome trajectory that may yet lead to USA !
USA !
USA !
Our projections indicate no one can ever take away the liberty we enjoy , not so long as there are brave men and women willing to fight and die to protect it .
At this rate , freedom is practically doubling overnight .
We could very well see historic levels of pride @ @ @ @ @ @ @ patriot , which makes us the strongest , bravest nation on the face of this earth .
No one else even comes close .
No way , no how.
” Hassett concluded his statement to reporters by confirming data now showed God Bless America , Land of the Free , Home of the Brave .

WASHINGTON—Following weeks of mounting job losses amidst a worldwide pandemic, top economists in the Trump administration warned Friday that the national unemployment rate could continue its rise to the United States is the greatest country in the history of the world. “As today’s report from the Bureau of Labor Statistics indicates, our job market has reached America is truly a shining city upon a hill, a nation whose beacon light guides freedom-loving people everywhere,” White House economic adviser Kevin Hassett said as he gestured toward a graph that showed the U.S. jobless percentage climbing precipitously toward an image of Old Glory herself, which waved majestically in the wind, a halo of dazzling fireworks bursting around her stars and stripes. “This is a worrisome trajectory that may yet lead to USA! USA! USA! Our projections indicate no one can ever take away the liberty we enjoy, not so long as there are brave men and women willing to fight and die to protect it. At this rate, freedom is practically doubling overnight. We could very well see historic levels of pride dwelling in the heart of every American patriot, which makes us the strongest, bravest nation on the face of this earth. No one else even comes close. No way, no how.” Hassett concluded his statement to reporters by confirming data now showed God Bless America, Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.


theonion--2020-05-08--77% Of Laid-Off Workers Expect To Be Rehired By Employer In Future

In a poll conducted by the Washington Post , nearly 8 out of 10 Americans who have been laid off @ @ @ @ @ are optimistic they will be able to return to their jobs once business resumes , @ @ @ @ @ to 40 % of jobs could be permanently lost .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ see any harm in blindly assuming that your employer has your best interest at heart.
@ @ @ @ @ just worried that people won ’ t even want to use the county fair kissing @ @ @ @ @ over .
”

In a poll conducted by the Washington Post, nearly 8 out of 10 Americans who have been laid off or furloughed during the pandemic are optimistic they will be able to return to their jobs once business resumes, though analysts warn that up to 40% of jobs could be permanently lost. What do you think?
“The re’s that classic American can-do denial.” Bruce Kern, Coin Sorter
“I can’t see any harm in blindly assuming that your employer has your best interest at heart.” Janine Lally, Belt Curator
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theonion--2020-05-08--Trump Names Donor As New Postmaster General

Donald Trump named Louis DeJoy , a GOP fundraiser and RNC national finance chairman who has donated nearly $ 360,000 @ @ @ @ @ reelection fundraising committee since January , as the 75th chief executive officer of the United @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Well , he seems to be rich , and that @ @ @ @ @ me.
” “ From the way things are going , this guy ’ s gon @ @ @ @ @ job in 2 months.
” “ There ’ s no way I ’ d ever @ @ @ @ @ just to get some boring mailroom job .
”

Donald Trump named Louis DeJoy, a GOP fundraiser and RNC national finance chairman who has donated nearly $360,000 to the president’s reelection fundraising committee since January, as the 75th chief executive officer of the United States Postal Service. What do you think?
“Well, he seems to be rich, and that’s enough qualifications for me.” Kelly Gearty, Hole Puncher
“From the way things are going, this guy’s gonna be out of a job in 2 months.” Clay Henkin, Bat Mitzvah Emcee
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theonion--2020-05-08--Most Common Panic-Buying Purchases During Coronavirus

Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people ’ s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic .
The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus .
PASTA : Buying something to throw at a wall to see if it ’ s cooked makes one feel in control .
HAND SOAP : A necessity during a public health crisis , hand soap is a nutrient-rich paste that can form the basis of many cheap staple meals .
BOTTLED WATER : Once you pour the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spittoons .
CANDLES : Some people just like candles , okay ?
BIG-ASS CUPS : The more time you spend at home , the more you realize how important it is to have a big-ass cup to call your own .
HOUSEHOLD CLEANERS : In addition to providing long-lasting highs at a relatively low cost , they may also reduce your risk of contracting the virus .
PELOTON : Allows top 10 % of income earners to maintain routine of throwing away $ 2,000 .
YELLOW SQUASH : People aren ’ t quite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but something inside them screamed buy , buy , buy !
ALCOHOL : Drinking at home essential now that Americans can ’ t drink at work .

Anxiety over coronavirus disrupting supply chains and many people’s continued isolation at home have inspired panic-buying of certain items with varying degrees of logical connection to the pandemic. The Onion looks at the most common panic-buying purchases during coronavirus.
PASTA: Buying something to throw at a wall to see if it’s cooked makes one feel in control.
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HAND SOAP: A necessity during a public health crisis, hand soap is a nutrient-rich paste that can form the basis of many cheap staple meals.
BOTTLED WATER: Once you pour the water out, the bottles make great spittoons.
CANDLES: Some people just like candles, okay?
BIG-ASS CUPS: The more time you spend at home, the more you realize how important it is to have a big-ass cup to call your own.
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HOUSEHOLD CLEANERS: In addition to providing long-lasting highs at a relatively low cost, they may also reduce your risk of contracting the virus.
PELOTON: Allows top 10% of income earners to maintain routine of throwing away $2,000.
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YELLOW SQUASH: People aren’t quite sure what to do with it, but something inside them screamed buy, buy, buy!
ALCOHOL: Drinking at home essential now that Americans can’t drink at work.


theonion--2020-05-08--Each Successive Comment On ‘Jack And Diane’ Music Video More Heartbreaking Than Last

NEW YORK—In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts , sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp ’ s “ Jack And Diane ” music video was more heartbreaking than the last .
Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip , such as “ Remembering better days ” or “ Than you John Cougar for this Incredible ANTHEM song [ sic ] , ” set a nearly insurmountable standard of pitifulness , their subtle pathos was quickly outdone by the later statements of YouTube user Celtics_76 , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ loved this song ” and how the rhythm guitar riff “ still makes me think of her even 7 years later .
RIP Julia.
” Additional analysis suggested that while the simple note , “ Fuck cancer , ” hinted at a possible capstone to the mountain of sadness evoked by viewers of the heartland rock song , such speculation was ultimately rendered premature when user Petty_Tomorrow jumped into the fray to ask “ who loves this song comment me if you do , ” igniting a minor storm of absolutely heartrending subcomments @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and an almost unspeakable longing for the years that have passed since the song ’ s July 1982 debut .
At press time , further information confirmed that the escalating trend had fortunately come to an end after John Mellencamp ’ s verified account posted “ Personally , I think it still holds up—What do you guys think ?
” in the video ’ s comments .

NEW YORK—In a remarkable pattern that stretched across hundreds of misspelled and poorly formatted posts, sources confirmed Friday that each successive comment on the John Mellencamp’s “Jack And Diane” music video was more heartbreaking than the last. Several reports indicated that while early messages under the clip, such as “Remembering better days” or “Than you John Cougar for this Incredible ANTHEM song [sic],” set a nearly insurmountable standard of pitifulness, their subtle pathos was quickly outdone by the later statements of YouTube user Celtics_76, who described a wife who had “loved this song” and how the rhythm guitar riff “still makes me think of her even 7 years later. RIP Julia.” Additional analysis suggested that while the simple note, “Fuck cancer,” hinted at a possible capstone to the mountain of sadness evoked by viewers of the heartland rock song, such speculation was ultimately rendered premature when user Petty_Tomorrow jumped into the fray to ask “who loves this song comment me if you do,” igniting a minor storm of absolutely heartrending subcomments suggesting personal disability, family trauma, and an almost unspeakable longing for the years that have passed since the song’s July 1982 debut. At press time, further information confirmed that the escalating trend had fortunately come to an end after John Mellencamp’s verified account posted “Personally, I think it still holds up—What do you guys think?” in the video’s comments.


theonion--2020-05-08--Incredible Security: The Xbox Series X Will Deter Would-Be Burglars By Emitting A Rotting Crab Smell

Incredible Security: The Xbox Series X Will Deter Would-Be Burglars By Emitting A Rotting Crab Smell At All Times

Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars !
To cap off yesterday ’ s impressive Xbox Series X games event , the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times .
For any gamers worried about what would be keeping their gaming investment safe this holiday season , this is definitely going to be a huge selling point !
“ Microsoft is pouring everything we have into the Xbox Series X , which is why I ’ m proud to reveal that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ward away thieves by giving off the rancid , slightly sour stench of decomposing crab , ” said visibly nauseated Xbox head Phil Spencer in a video announcement where he appears standing besides a hardware prototype sending off a gray mist closely replicating the scent of a decaying crustacean .
“ It ’ s a really terrible half-salty , half-meaty smell that kind of ... clings to the back of your throat , I guess ?
God .
At first , it ’ s similar to the scent of the ocean .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and carpet , the more you imagine the blackened , mushy crab meat that would give off that sort of stench , with all those little parasites squirming inside , and all you can think of is getting the hell out of there and gagging.
” “ Jesus Christ , ” he added , before pausing the announcement to breathe deeply and dry heave .
Well , gamers , there you have it !
If you ’ re a Microsoft fanboy or girl , then you can be sure you ’ ll be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sort of killer-app feature can deliver .
Now bring on Halo Infinite !

Microsoft just launched the first real volley in the next-gen wars! To cap off yesterday’s impressive Xbox Series X games event, the hardware juggernaut announced that every iteration of their upcoming console will deter burglars by emitting a rotting crab smell at all times.
For any gamers worried about what would be keeping their gaming investment safe this holiday season, this is definitely going to be a huge selling point!
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“Microsoft is pouring everything we have into the Xbox Series X, which is why I’m proud to reveal that the hardware has been expressly designed to ward away thieves by giving off the rancid, slightly sour stench of decomposing crab,” said visibly nauseated Xbox head Phil Spencer in a video announcement where he appears standing besides a hardware prototype sending off a gray mist closely replicating the scent of a decaying crustacean. “It’s a really terrible half-salty, half-meaty smell that kind of...clings to the back of your throat, I guess? God. At first, it’s similar to the scent of the ocean. But the more it gets into your clothes and carpet, the more you imagine the blackened, mushy crab meat that would give off that sort of stench, with all those little parasites squirming inside, and all you can think of is getting the hell out of there and gagging.”
“Jesus Christ,” he added, before pausing the announcement to breathe deeply and dry heave.
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Well, gamers, there you have it! If you’re a Microsoft fanboy or girl, then you can be sure you’ll be gaming with the protection that only this sort of killer-app feature can deliver. Now bring on Halo Infinite!


theonion--2020-05-08--Watch What Happens When You Zoom In On This Bread

Man ... frankly , we might be a little too deep right now .
What the hell were we thinking @ @ @ @ @ an exit strategy ?
Jesus Christ , we can only go forward , can ’ @ @ @ @ @ ll have to zoom on .

Man...frankly, we might be a little too deep right now. What the hell were we thinking going this far in without an exit strategy? Jesus Christ, we can only go forward, can’t we? We’ll have to zoom on.


theonion--2020-05-08--12 Sure Signs You Directed The 2006 Motion Picture ‘Babel’

You seamlessly wove together four different storylines set in four different cultures in an intellectually and emotionally challenging 143-minute motion @ @ @ @ @ that motion picture Babel .

You seamlessly wove together four different storylines set in four different cultures in an intellectually and emotionally challenging 143-minute motion picture, and then called that motion picture Babel.


theonion--2020-05-08--Study Finds It Statistically Impossible That Your Mom The Best Mom In The World

Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country , researchers found that even though you may think she ’ @ @ @ @ @ whole wide world , your mom is actually far , far from it , and @ @ @ @ @ average at best .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Of the thousands of mothers observed across the country, researchers found that even though you may think she’s the best in the whole wide world, your mom is actually far, far from it, and most likely at or below average at best.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-11--3 Coronavirus Task Force Members To Self-Quarantine

Dr. Anthony Fauci , CDC director Robert Redfield , and FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn will each quarantine for 14 days @ @ @ @ @ ” exposure to a White House staffer who tested positive for coronavirus .
What do @ @ @ @ @ ’ re not really on the coronavirus task force until you ’ ve had it.
@ @ @ @ @ gets Stephen Hahn , I just don ’ t know what I ’ ll do @ @

Dr. Anthony Fauci, CDC director Robert Redfield, and FDA commissioner Stephen Hahn will each quarantine for 14 days following possible “low grade” exposure to a White House staffer who tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?
“You’re not really on the coronavirus task force until you’ve had it.” Kim Douris • Holistic Oboist
“If the virus gets Stephen Hahn, I just don’t know what I’ll do.” Dallas Saulsberry, Eyebrow Waxer
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theonion--2020-05-11--Stephen Miller Reassures Sick Wife He Knows What It Looks Like When Woman Dying

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn ’ t progressed to a more serious stage , White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying .
“ Honey , I know you ’ re not feeling well and things can be kind of scary now , but I promise you that I have a lot of experience with this , and you don ’ t have any of the classic signs that women show right when they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , confirming that her lack of glassy eyes and terrified , ragged breathing meant that death was still a long way off .
“ Look , when an animal knows it ’ s about to die , it completely gives up and goes listless in a corner , so don ’ t worry , you still have a lot of fight left in you .
Besides , I can spot a death rattle from a mile away , and we haven ’ t heard anything even close to that , so just try @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Miller was assuring his wife that she was safe since she had not exhibited the most common near-death symptom of pleading with him for mercy .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to comfort his spouse that her coronavirus symptoms hadn’t progressed to a more serious stage, White House senior adviser Stephen Miller reassured his sick wife Katie Waldman Monday that he knows what it looks like when a woman is dying. “Honey, I know you’re not feeling well and things can be kind of scary now, but I promise you that I have a lot of experience with this, and you don’t have any of the classic signs that women show right when they’re about to die,” said Miller, confirming that her lack of glassy eyes and terrified, ragged breathing meant that death was still a long way off. “Look, when an animal knows it’s about to die, it completely gives up and goes listless in a corner, so don’t worry, you still have a lot of fight left in you. Besides, I can spot a death rattle from a mile away, and we haven’t heard anything even close to that, so just try to relax and get some sleep.” At press time, Miller was assuring his wife that she was safe since she had not exhibited the most common near-death symptom of pleading with him for mercy.


theonion--2020-05-11--‘The Last Dance’ Director Defends Creative Choice To Flash Forward To 2046

LOS ANGELES—Referring to the stark time-jump as the right way to cap his comprehensive portrait of Michael Jordan ’ s final championship , The Last Dance director Jason Hehir defended his creative choice Monday to conclude the documentary by flash-forwarding to the year 2046 .
“ I hear people ’ s frustrations , but we wanted to take some creative risks and explore how an aging Jordan would cope with his legacy , ” said Hehir , dismissing criticism that scenes of a stammering 83-year-old Jordan spilling scotch on his shirt , and bragging to a nurse about the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Suns in the NBA Finals , were exploitative .
“ We needed those shots of him watching the United Center get demolished .
He can hardly even remember his playing days by 2040 , but it ’ s important that viewers get a sense of Jordan as a person .
People know Michael as the ultimate competitor , so we wanted to show his more vulnerable side , the guy who needs help going to the bathroom.
” Hehir added that the scene where Jordan hears about Scottie Pippen ’ s death may @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s ever written and is Jordan ’ s finest performance in the entire series .

LOS ANGELES—Referring to the stark time-jump as the right way to cap his comprehensive portrait of Michael Jordan’s final championship, The Last Dance director Jason Hehir defended his creative choice Monday to conclude the documentary by flash-forwarding to the year 2046. “I hear people’s frustrations, but we wanted to take some creative risks and explore how an aging Jordan would cope with his legacy,” said Hehir, dismissing criticism that scenes of a stammering 83-year-old Jordan spilling scotch on his shirt, and bragging to a nurse about the time he supposedly scored 81 points against the Suns in the NBA Finals, were exploitative. “We needed those shots of him watching the United Center get demolished. He can hardly even remember his playing days by 2040, but it’s important that viewers get a sense of Jordan as a person. People know Michael as the ultimate competitor, so we wanted to show his more vulnerable side, the guy who needs help going to the bathroom.” Hehir added that the scene where Jordan hears about Scottie Pippen’s death may be the most powerful thing he’s ever written and is Jordan’s finest performance in the entire series.


theonion--2020-05-11--All Man’s Fun Facts From Eisenhower Biography From Prologue

WILMINGTON , NC—Confirming suspicions the man had yet to make it past the book ’ s 16-page prefatory material , sources reported Monday that all the fun facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower shared by local father Andrew Keller had come from the prologue of the biography he began reading several weeks ago .
“ Did you know they called Eisenhower the Man from Abilene ?
That ’ s the name of the town in Kansas where he grew up , ” said Keller who has apparently completed less than 2 percent of acclaimed biographer Jean Edward Smith ’ s Eisenhower @ @ @ @ @ @ @ began reading the 976-page volume soon after he purchased it in mid-March of this year .
“ Ike is a figure who ’ s always fascinated me , not only because he served as 34th president of the United States , but because he was a five-star general in the Army , a president of Columbia University , and the first supreme commander of NATO .
It ’ s interesting stuff .
Oh , and of course you can ’ t forget Eisenhower had a wife named Mamie.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to recalling fun facts about Eisenhower he had learned from the promotional copy featured on the book ’ s jacket .

WILMINGTON, NC—Confirming suspicions the man had yet to make it past the book’s 16-page prefatory material, sources reported Monday that all the fun facts about Dwight D. Eisenhower shared by local father Andrew Keller had come from the prologue of the biography he began reading several weeks ago. “Did you know they called Eisenhower the Man from Abilene? That’s the name of the town in Kansas where he grew up,” said Keller who has apparently completed less than 2 percent of acclaimed biographer Jean Edward Smith’s Eisenhower In War And Peace, though he began reading the 976-page volume soon after he purchased it in mid-March of this year. “Ike is a figure who’s always fascinated me, not only because he served as 34th president of the United States, but because he was a five-star general in the Army, a president of Columbia University, and the first supreme commander of NATO. It’s interesting stuff. Oh, and of course you can’t forget Eisenhower had a wife named Mamie.” At press time, sources confirmed that Keller had moved on to recalling fun facts about Eisenhower he had learned from the promotional copy featured on the book’s jacket.


theonion--2020-05-11--Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled G

Trump Blames Nation’s Susceptibility To Coronavirus Outbreak On Weakness Of America’s Race-Muddled Gene Pool

WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll , President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed @ @ @ @ @ to coronavirus on the weakness of America ’ s race-muddled gene pool .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ , but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to the point @ @ @ @ @ defenseless against our invisible enemy , ” said Trump , arguing that widespread intermingling had @ @ @ @ @ Covid-19 response more challenging compared to countries with less-tainted bloodlines such as Australia and Iceland @ @ @ @ @ done a very good job , but unfortunately , there ’ s only so much @ @ @ @ @ many are tainted by DNA from the mongrel races .
Folks , I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ : The moment we got rid of the one-drop rule , we signed our own @ @ @ @ @ on to call for all full-blooded Aryans to donate plasma in an effort to help @ @ @ @ @ pure heyday .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to explain the rising U.S. death toll, President Donald Trump told reporters Monday that he blamed the nation’s susceptibility to coronavirus on the weakness of America’s race-muddled gene pool. “It’s sad to say, but decades of rampant miscegenation have watered down our superior genetics to the point that we’re completely defenseless against our invisible enemy,” said Trump, arguing that widespread intermingling had made the U.S.’s Covid-19 response more challenging compared to countries with less-tainted bloodlines such as Australia and Iceland. “We’ve done a very good job, but unfortunately, there’s only so much we can do when so many are tainted by DNA from the mongrel races. Folks, I’ve been saying it for years: The moment we got rid of the one-drop rule, we signed our own death warrants.” Trump went on to call for all full-blooded Aryans to donate plasma in an effort to help return America to its racially pure heyday.


theonion--2020-05-11--Man Can’t Wait For Quarantine To End So He Can Finally Take Shower Again

PEABODY , MA—Noting that it had been months since he had been able to feel truly clean , local man Evan Kornhauser told reporters Monday that he could not wait for the quarantine to end so that he could finally shower again .
“ Everyone has to make sacrifices , I know , but I have to admit that I ’ ve really missed bathing for the past eight or nine weeks , ” said Kornhauser , describing the struggle of adapting to the growing , deeply unpleasant body funk that had developed in his studio apartment as a result @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to scrub his body with soapy water during the lockdown .
“ Just to be super careful , I haven ’ t even entered my bathroom since March .
The place reeks because of me , but that ’ s just the price you have to pay for being safe .
It ’ s sad because there are some people like my cousin in Florida who don ’ t care about the rules and are showering pretty much every day .
I ’ m just a little more of a responsible guy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stress that in order to observe all necessary precautions , he was determined to hold off on showering for several months after the quarantine ended .

PEABODY, MA—Noting that it had been months since he had been able to feel truly clean, local man Evan Kornhauser told reporters Monday that he could not wait for the quarantine to end so that he could finally shower again. “Everyone has to make sacrifices, I know, but I have to admit that I’ve really missed bathing for the past eight or nine weeks,” said Kornhauser, describing the struggle of adapting to the growing, deeply unpleasant body funk that had developed in his studio apartment as a result of the warming weather and his inability to scrub his body with soapy water during the lockdown. “Just to be super careful, I haven’t even entered my bathroom since March. The place reeks because of me, but that’s just the price you have to pay for being safe. It’s sad because there are some people like my cousin in Florida who don’t care about the rules and are showering pretty much every day. I’m just a little more of a responsible guy, I guess.” Kornhauser went on to stress that in order to observe all necessary precautions, he was determined to hold off on showering for several months after the quarantine ended.


theonion--2020-05-11--Flashback! 8 Mind-Blowing Photos Of Jessica Alba Before She Was Famous

Sadly , Jessica eventually was forced to choose between her life in Turkey and the world of possibility offered by @ @ @ @ @ ultimately choosing to bid farewell to her beloved home and set off to conquer Tinseltown @ @ @ @ @ family are proud of all she has accomplished in America , they frequently reminisce about @ @ @ @

Sadly, Jessica eventually was forced to choose between her life in Turkey and the world of possibility offered by the motion picture industry, ultimately choosing to bid farewell to her beloved home and set off to conquer Tinseltown. Though her friends and family are proud of all she has accomplished in America, they frequently reminisce about their beloved Husrev.


theonion--2020-05-11--Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Co

Health Officials Warn Mysterious Voice Calling For People To Come Out And Play In Middle Of Night Could Be Coronavirus

Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country , but health officials are warning we may not be completely @ @ @ @ @ .
We ’ ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside @ @ @ @ @ moonlight .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

Social distancing restrictions may be loosening around the country, but health officials are warning we may not be completely out of the woods yet. We’ve got everything you need to know about that ethereal voice outside your window humming in the moonlight.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-11--Tinder To Introduce In-App Video Chat Feature

Tinder parent company Match Group announced last week that one-on-one video chatting will be available on the app later this @ @ @ @ @ how harassment and inappropriate content will be monitored has not been released .
What do @ @ @ @ @ picked the wrong time to be in a committed , loving relation ship.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ for me to dig up some videos of myself when I was thinner and less @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t waste people ’ s time in person , this is the next @ @ @ @

Tinder parent company Match Group announced last week that one-on-one video chatting will be available on the app later this year, though details on how harassment and inappropriate content will be monitored has not been released. What do you think?
“I picked the wrong time to be in a committed, loving relation ship.” Alice Grimmel • Step Stool Tester
“Guess it’s time for me to dig up some videos of myself when I was thinner and less bald.” Greg Pennelegion • Brick Inspector
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theonion--2020-05-12--Dr. Fauci Warns Of Needless Suffering And Death If America Allowed To Continue

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the dire consequences should the sovereign nation remain in existence , NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public @ @ @ @ @ death if America were allowed to continue .
“ Let me be clear , if @ @ @ @ @ persists into 2021 , not only will many people die , but left unchecked , @ @ @ @ @ untold destruction on the world , ” said Fauci , adding that the North American @ @ @ @ @ out of control , and that only way to stop the devastating effects of its @ @ @ @ @ as quickly as possible .
“ Unfortunately , I can tell you that over the @ @ @ @ @ we ’ ve already witnessed the terrible , global consequences of the American experiment firsthand @ @ @ @ @ prematurely and claim that the 325 million-person nation has been safely contained , believe me @ @ @ @ @ beginning.
” At press time , Fauci urged the public not to underestimate the nation @ @ @ @ @ too many people to count .

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the dire consequences should the sovereign nation remain in existence, NIAID director Dr. Anthony Fauci warned the public Tuesday of needless suffering and death if America were allowed to continue. “Let me be clear, if the United States of America persists into 2021, not only will many people die, but left unchecked, this federal republic will unleash untold destruction on the world,” said Fauci, adding that the North American country was already too far out of control, and that only way to stop the devastating effects of its spread was to eliminate it as quickly as possible. “Unfortunately, I can tell you that over the past hundreds of years, we’ve already witnessed the terrible, global consequences of the American experiment firsthand. While people may act prematurely and claim that the 325 million-person nation has been safely contained, believe me, this is just the beginning.” At press time, Fauci urged the public not to underestimate the nation as it had already killed too many people to count.


theonion--2020-05-12--White House Will Require Everyone Except Trump To Wear Mask In West Wing

The Trump administration updated guidelines this week requiring employees to wear face masks when entering the West Wing following news @ @ @ @ @ positive for coronavirus , though the policy will not apply to either President Trump and @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ If Trump saw some of the cute masks my @ @ @ @ @ d change his mind .
” “ Well , if that ’ s what the @ @ @ @ @ to follow it.
” “ The White House is still open for take-out though , @ @ @

The Trump administration updated guidelines this week requiring employees to wear face masks when entering the West Wing following news that two staffers had tested positive for coronavirus, though the policy will not apply to either President Trump and Vice President Mike Pence. What do you think?
“If Trump saw some of the cute masks my aunt makes, he’d change his mind. ” Makenna Lanum • Water Purifier
“Well, if that’s what the constitution says, we have to follow it.” Drew Jefferies • Muscle Man
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theonion--2020-05-12--Report: Mary Grace, Get Your Ass Back Inside This Goddamn Instant

ECKERTY , IN—According to a blistering new report issued Tuesday through the screen door of a local front porch , Mary Grace had better get her ass back inside right now , right this goddamn instant , if she knows what is good for her .
“ I done told you twice already , Mary Grace : Put down that stick , wipe the mud off your overalls , and git warshed up for supper , ” stated the report , which continued on to suggest the dang girl had until the count of three to comply with the demand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get sent straight to bed without a single bite of this big mess of beans her mama just cooked up .
“ I better not hear you been runnin ’ ’ round with that Peterson boy again .
I told you he ain ’ t no good .
And you best hush up that crying , too .
You brought this here hollerin ’ upon your own sweet self , and you know it.
” The report concluded by swearing to Christ Almighty that Mary Grace was setting herself up for a hide-whupping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ soon forget .

ECKERTY, IN—According to a blistering new report issued Tuesday through the screen door of a local front porch, Mary Grace had better get her ass back inside right now, right this goddamn instant, if she knows what is good for her. “I done told you twice already, Mary Grace: Put down that stick, wipe the mud off your overalls, and git warshed up for supper,” stated the report, which continued on to suggest the dang girl had until the count of three to comply with the demand, or else she was libel to get sent straight to bed without a single bite of this big mess of beans her mama just cooked up. “I better not hear you been runnin’ ’round with that Peterson boy again. I told you he ain’t no good. And you best hush up that crying, too. You brought this here hollerin’ upon your own sweet self, and you know it.” The report concluded by swearing to Christ Almighty that Mary Grace was setting herself up for a hide-whupping the likes of which she would not soon forget.


theonion--2020-05-12--Coffee Made, Poured, Consumed Without Single Conscious Thought

Our ceramic mugs are the ideal vessel for your morning coffee and angst .
This sturdy 11 oz mug is…

The Onion's 'I Wish I Were Dead' Mug
Our ceramic mugs are the ideal vessel for your morning coffee and angst. This sturdy 11 oz mug is…


theonion--2020-05-12--Eighth Grader Would Have Cranked Classroom Pencil Sharpener Few More Times If She Knew That Going To

Eighth Grader Would Have Cranked Classroom Pencil Sharpener Few More Times If She Knew That Going To Be Last Chance

DENVER—Reflecting on the simple pleasure that she would likely never experience again , area eighth-grader Francesca Jaffe told reporters Tuesday that she would have cranked the classroom pencil sharpener a few more times had she known it was going to be the last chance she ’ d get .
“ Man , if you ’ d have told me in March that I ’ d never get to grind up another Dixon Ticonderoga # 2 in that thing , I would have appreciated it a lot more , ” said Jaffe , 13 , confirming that she would never have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pencil to a fine point in the rotary device for granted if she ’ d realized how fleeting their time together would be .
“ There ’ s so much more I could have done : colored pencils , watercolors , maybe even a crayon or something just for the sheer thrill of it .
Never again will I experience the anticipation on the walk across the classroom , the satisfying feel of the crank in my hand , the sound of those twisting metal blades , the sweet scent of the fresh @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to miss it all.
” At press time , a wistful Jaffe told reporters that she supposed transitioning to mechanical pencils was a natural part of saying goodbye to childhood .

DENVER—Reflecting on the simple pleasure that she would likely never experience again, area eighth-grader Francesca Jaffe told reporters Tuesday that she would have cranked the classroom pencil sharpener a few more times had she known it was going to be the last chance she’d get. “Man, if you’d have told me in March that I’d never get to grind up another Dixon Ticonderoga #2 in that thing, I would have appreciated it a lot more,” said Jaffe, 13, confirming that she would never have taken the tactile joy of sharpening her pencil to a fine point in the rotary device for granted if she’d realized how fleeting their time together would be. “There’s so much more I could have done: colored pencils, watercolors, maybe even a crayon or something just for the sheer thrill of it. Never again will I experience the anticipation on the walk across the classroom, the satisfying feel of the crank in my hand, the sound of those twisting metal blades, the sweet scent of the fresh shavings—I admit it, I’m going to miss it all.” At press time, a wistful Jaffe told reporters that she supposed transitioning to mechanical pencils was a natural part of saying goodbye to childhood.


theonion--2020-05-12--National Grandpa Council Allocates $300 Million To Provide Each American Some Walkin’ Around Money

WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place , the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $ 300 million to provide each American with some walkin ’ around money .
“ We heard you all have been working very hard lately , so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to something special like a nice pack of Juicy Fruit gum or a balsa wood airplane , ” said National Grandpa Council president Bob Platt , noting that Americans should expect to receive anywhere from 50 cents to $ 1 in loose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the council members .
“ Now , it ’ s our job to spoil you a bit , so take this down to the soda shop or the picture show and have a little fun .
Everyone is getting a shiny quarter , and a few of you lucky ducks will get a crisp dollar bill .
Simply knowing you kids are out there having a swell time at the burger joint , ice cream social , or sock hop makes us grandpas feel pretty special.
” At press time , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ U.S. populace sit down and write a thank-you note before they would be allowed to go on a spending spree .

WASHINGTON—Urging citizens not to spend it all in one place, the National Grandpa Council announced Tuesday a plan to allocate $300 million to provide each American with some walkin’ around money. “We heard you all have been working very hard lately, so we thought you deserved a few clams to treat yourselves to something special like a nice pack of Juicy Fruit gum or a balsa wood airplane,” said National Grandpa Council president Bob Platt, noting that Americans should expect to receive anywhere from 50 cents to $1 in loose coins fished from pockets and change bowls of the council members. “Now, it’s our job to spoil you a bit, so take this down to the soda shop or the picture show and have a little fun. Everyone is getting a shiny quarter, and a few of you lucky ducks will get a crisp dollar bill. Simply knowing you kids are out there having a swell time at the burger joint, ice cream social, or sock hop makes us grandpas feel pretty special.” At press time, the National Association of Moms was insisting the U.S. populace sit down and write a thank-you note before they would be allowed to go on a spending spree.


theonion--2020-05-12--Coronavirus Assumed White House Would Be Bigger In Person

WASHINGTON—Underwhelmed by the cramped bathrooms and overly crowded seating areas , sources close to the coronavirus confirmed Tuesday that it @ @ @ @ @ House would be bigger in person .
“ When you think White House , you @ @ @ @ @ where the most powerful person in the world lives , but it ’ s actually @ @ @ @ @ dink , ” said Auto Terra Filinia XFC , a strain of Covid-19 , who @ @ @ @ @ residential area of the White House and the West Wing took it less than an @ @ @ @ @ s just kind of underwhelming , I guess .
I expected to feel all this @ @ @ @ @ the American government , but it ’ s mostly just old .
Even the security @ @ @ @ @ able to sneak into the East Room and even the Lincoln bedroom no problem.
” @ @ @ @ @ despite its disappointment with the building , the staff ’ s warmth and lack of @ @ @ @ @ feel right at home .

WASHINGTON—Underwhelmed by the cramped bathrooms and overly crowded seating areas, sources close to the coronavirus confirmed Tuesday that it had always assumed the White House would be bigger in person. “When you think White House, you think of this grand place where the most powerful person in the world lives, but it’s actually kind of small and rinky dink,” said Auto Terra Filinia XFC, a strain of Covid-19, who revealed that touring the entire residential area of the White House and the West Wing took it less than an hour. “It’s just kind of underwhelming, I guess. I expected to feel all this majesty at the power of the American government, but it’s mostly just old. Even the security is lax, I was able to sneak into the East Room and even the Lincoln bedroom no problem.” The coronavirus did add that despite its disappointment with the building, the staff’s warmth and lack of social distancing had made it feel right at home.


theonion--2020-05-12--9 MUST-FOLLOW Al-Qaeda Leaders On Twitter

Larry Ellison ( @ larryellison ) : The Oracle CEO and high-ranking al-Qaeda operative is just as well-known for his @ @ @ @ @ incisive , biting tweets urging the world ’ s militant Islamists to rise up and @ @ @ @ @ Western infidels .

Larry Ellison (@larryellison): The Oracle CEO and high-ranking al-Qaeda operative is just as well-known for his multi-billion-dollar tech empire as his incisive, biting tweets urging the world’s militant Islamists to rise up and purge the world of the Western infidels.


theonion--2020-05-12--FDA Approved First Birth Control Pill 60 Years Ago This Week

This week marks 60 years since the FDA approved Enovid-10 , the first oral contraceptive for women , though contraceptives @ @ @ @ @ married women in all states until 1965 and unmarried women until 1972 .
What do @ @ @ @ @ to think that ever since then it ’ s been nothing but victory after vict @ @ @ @ @ reproductive rights.
” “ Well , babies are still being born , so we can @ @ @ @ @ a total failure.
” “ I don ’ t know , I kind of long @ @ @ @ @ old days .
”

This week marks 60 years since the FDA approved Enovid-10, the first oral contraceptive for women, though contraceptives were not legally available to married women in all states until 1965 and unmarried women until 1972. What do you think?
“And to think that ever since then it’s been nothing but victory after vict ory for women’s reproductive rights.” Annamarie Freeman • Hymnal Stacker
“Well, babies are still being born, so we can chalk this one up as a total failure.” Joey Diamos • Novelty Locksmith
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theonion--2020-05-12--Health Experts Say Coronavirus Originated In Promiscuous Bat Who Slept Around A Lot

Like , a lot a lot .
We ’ ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has @ @ @ @ @ may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Like, a lot a lot. We’ve got the latest on the complex contact tracing that has lead scientist to conclude Covid-19 may have started with this bat who was fucking anything it could find.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-05-12--Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 12, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of May 12, 2020

You had no idea the love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous , so obsessive , and so likely @ @ @ @ @ of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do it .

Cancer | June 21 to July 22
You had no idea the love life of the nuthatch was so vigorous, so obsessive, and so likely to result in the death of people like yourself who just like to watch birds do it.


theonion--2020-05-13--Health Officials Close Restaurant That Opened For Mother’s Day

The health department in Castle Rock , Colorado shut down C & C Coffee and Kitchen this weekend after the @ @ @ @ @ s Day event in defiance of state coronavirus safety orders , packing their seating area @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ I ’ m sorry , but it ’ s not @ @ @ @ @ food at home !
” “ Oh , so the health department can just decide @ @ @ @ @ too ?
”

The health department in Castle Rock, Colorado shut down C&C Coffee and Kitchen this weekend after the owners held a Mother’s Day event in defiance of state coronavirus safety orders, packing their seating area with unmasked customers. What do you think?
“I’m sorry, but it’s not like people can just make food at home!” Veronica Ault • Gecko Sorter
“Not to mention their waitstaff’s absolutely terrible service that day.” Gordon Schlubach • Telephone Engineer
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theonion--2020-05-13--10 Morally Reprehensible Turtles Who Deserved To Get Their Heads Stuck In Plastic Rings

The truth is , if you feel sad when you look at this , you ’ re the monster .
@ @ @ @ @ Nazi guard at Bergen-Belsen for five years , and during that time led thousands of @ @ @ @ @ in gas chambers .
So , the next time you think about snipping up a @ @ @ @ @ evaded prosecution by migrating to the Galapagos .

The truth is, if you feel sad when you look at this, you’re the monster. This turtle served as a Nazi guard at Bergen-Belsen for five years, and during that time led thousands of innocent Jews to their deaths in gas chambers. So, the next time you think about snipping up a plastic ring? Remember he evaded prosecution by migrating to the Galapagos.