theonion--2020-08-19--Abusive Dad Mellows Out Into Emotionally Abusive Grandpa

SALINA , KS—Calling the change a minor improvement , family members acknowledged Wednesday that abusive dad Skip Pincombe had mellowed out into an emotionally abusive grandpa .
“ Growing up , Dad would beat our ass if we stepped a toe out of line , but age has softened him to the point where he ’ s like a totally different emotionally abusive man to his grandkids , ” said Richard Pincombe , who , along with his siblings , was surprised by his father ’ s transformation from physically imposing tyrant to frail but still viciously mean hard- ass @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shocked to hear their little old Poppop used to strike me with a leather belt any time I talked back .
They only know him as the hateful prick slumped over in his favorite chair screaming that they ’ re lazy and ungrateful bastards .
I think getting older has given Dad some perspective on the fact that he ’ s too weak to survive a fist fight and that he can hurt us just as bad using his words instead.
” Pincombe ’ s family also speculated to reporters that the septuagenarian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ isn ’ t around to hit anymore .

SALINA, KS—Calling the change a minor improvement, family members acknowledged Wednesday that abusive dad Skip Pincombe had mellowed out into an emotionally abusive grandpa. “Growing up, Dad would beat our ass if we stepped a toe out of line, but age has softened him to the point where he’s like a totally different emotionally abusive man to his grandkids,” said Richard Pincombe, who, along with his siblings, was surprised by his father’s transformation from physically imposing tyrant to frail but still viciously mean hard- ass. “My own kids are always shocked to hear their little old Poppop used to strike me with a leather belt any time I talked back. They only know him as the hateful prick slumped over in his favorite chair screaming that they’re lazy and ungrateful bastards. I think getting older has given Dad some perspective on the fact that he’s too weak to survive a fist fight and that he can hurt us just as bad using his words instead.” Pincombe’s family also speculated to reporters that the septuagenarian may just be depress ed because Grandma isn’t around to hit anymore.


theonion--2020-08-20--Years Of Therapy Give Girlfriend Unfair Advantage In Fight

SOUTH BEND , IN—Protesting that her weekly sessions of self-examination and relationship analysis left him feeling consistently outmatched , local man Alan Waters confirmed Thursday that years of therapy had given his girlfriend , Tara Mikkelson , a distinct and unfair advantage in a recent fight .
“ She ’ s using all these fancy terminologies like ‘ cognitive distortion ’ and ‘ catastrophizing , ’ and meanwhile I ’ m just trying to yell something about feeling like she ’ s all over my back whenever I just want to crack open a beer and relax with some TV @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his girlfriend ’ s ability to articulate her emotions and analyze her own behavior left him feeling unsure of when exactly he was supposed to cut Mikkelson off and tell her she was annoying the shit out of him .
“ Clearly , she ’ s had months of time set aside with her therapist to work through all this stuff , but where does that leave me ?
Frankly , I don ’ t even know whether I ’ m supposed to throw something or insult her when she says I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into the bedroom .
It ’ s total fucking bullshit.
” At press time , Waters was convinced he had finally taken the upper hand after abruptly telling his girlfriend she was browbeating him with this bullshit about cognitive-behavioral therapy , smashing a glass on the floor , and storming out of the kitchen .

SOUTH BEND, IN—Protesting that her weekly sessions of self-examination and relationship analysis left him feeling consistently outmatched, local man Alan Waters confirmed Thursday that years of therapy had given his girlfriend, Tara Mikkelson, a distinct and unfair advantage in a recent fight. “She’s using all these fancy terminologies like ‘cognitive distortion’ and ‘catastrophizing,’ and meanwhile I’m just trying to yell something about feeling like she’s all over my back whenever I just want to crack open a beer and relax with some TV,” said Waters, adding that his girlfriend’s ability to articulate her emotions and analyze her own behavior left him feeling unsure of when exactly he was supposed to cut Mikkelson off and tell her she was annoying the shit out of him. “Clearly, she’s had months of time set aside with her therapist to work through all this stuff, but where does that leave me? Frankly, I don’t even know whether I’m supposed to throw something or insult her when she says I’m letting my frustrations with work bleed into the bedroom. It’s total fucking bullshit.” At press time, Waters was convinced he had finally taken the upper hand after abruptly telling his girlfriend she was browbeating him with this bullshit about cognitive-behavioral therapy, smashing a glass on the floor, and storming out of the kitchen.


theonion--2020-08-20--Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Who

Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri

We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC .
Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able @ @ @ @ @ dropping out of the race nearly six months ago .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

We have the latest on this massive shakeup at the DNC. Hear how Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard was able to claim the nomination despite dropping out of the race nearly six months ago.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-20--St. Louis Couple That Brandished Guns At BLM Protestors To Speak At RNC

A lawyer for Mark and Patricia McCloskey , who face felony charges for waving firearms at Black Lives Matter demonstrators @ @ @ @ @ June , confirmed the couple have been invited to speak at the 2020 Republican National @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Good choice .
There was something so articulate and eloquent about the @ @ @ @ @ firearms at people.
” “ Better be careful , those folks flip out when a @ @ @ @ @ ” “ The DNC must be embarrassed that all they could get was Michelle Obama @ @

A lawyer for Mark and Patricia McCloskey, who face felony charges for waving firearms at Black Lives Matter demonstrators walking down their street in June, confirmed the couple have been invited to speak at the 2020 Republican National Convention. What do you think?
“Good choice. There was something so articulate and eloquent about the way they w aved loaded firearms at people.” Emily Sarvis • Handkerchief Advocate
“Better be careful, those folks flip out when a camera is pointed at them.” Kirk Johnstone • Flour Miller
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theonion--2020-08-20--‘Tiger King’ Zoo Closed By USDA

‘Tiger King’ Zoo Closed By USDA

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced that it has suspended the exhibitor license for the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park @ @ @ @ @ in the Netflix documentary Tiger King earlier this year , citing multiple animal welfare violations @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ But wasn ’ t th e whole premise of the show about animal @ @ @ @ @ as you ’ re interesting ?
” “ Great , now I have to find @ @ @ @ @ Someone should probably check up on the humans there , too .
”

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced that it has suspended the exhibitor license for the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park, which was made famous in the Netflix documentary Tiger King earlier this year, citing multiple animal welfare violations. What do you think?
“But wasn’t th e whole premise of the show about animal abuse being okay so long as you’re interesting?” Carol Clayton • Senior Cashier
“Great, now I have to find another wedding venue.” Frank Pacelli • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-08-20--Officers Exposed To Steve Bannon During Arrest Scream As Blistered Skin Begins Sloughing Off

WESTBROOK , CT—Writhing in agony as the flesh dissolved from their hands and faces , law enforcement officials exposed to Steve Bannon during his arrest on charges of defrauding donors reportedly screamed in excruciating pain Thursday as their blistering skin began to slough off .
“ Those who came into contact with Mr. Bannon while apprehending him aboard a yacht off the coast of Connecticut are now covered in bursting pustules and looking on in horror as the sinews crumble and fall away from their bodies in large chunks , ” said Chief Postal Inspector Gary Barksdale , supervisor of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ former top adviser to President Trump , as he confirmed that the flayed skeletal remains of the officer who handcuffed Bannon had fallen overboard and created a vast , hypoxic dead zone in the Long Island Sound .
“ Because their condition is untreatable , the agents currently calling out in vain for someone to save them will unfortunately perish in a boiling pool of their own necrotic tissues .
Mr. Bannon was successfully taken into custody , however , and is being held in the hermetically sealed , titanium-lined containment unit designed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” On a more optimistic note , Barksdale stated that the 30-mile radius of blighted landscape surrounding Bannon ’ s home had already begun to recover , with the barren ecological wasteland showing signs of plant and animal life for the first time in decades .

WESTBROOK, CT—Writhing in agony as the flesh dissolved from their hands and faces, law enforcement officials exposed to Steve Bannon during his arrest on charges of defrauding donors reportedly screamed in excruciating pain Thursday as their blistering skin began to slough off. “Those who came into contact with Mr. Bannon while apprehending him aboard a yacht off the coast of Connecticut are now covered in bursting pustules and looking on in horror as the sinews crumble and fall away from their bodies in large chunks,” said Chief Postal Inspector Gary Barksdale, supervisor of the federal agents tasked with arresting the former top adviser to President Trump, as he confirmed that the flayed skeletal remains of the officer who handcuffed Bannon had fallen overboard and created a vast, hypoxic dead zone in the Long Island Sound. “Because their condition is untreatable, the agents currently calling out in vain for someone to save them will unfortunately perish in a boiling pool of their own necrotic tissues. Mr. Bannon was successfully taken into custody, however, and is being held in the hermetically sealed, titanium-lined containment unit designed and constructed in anticipation of his arrest.” On a more optimistic note, Barksdale stated that the 30-mile radius of blighted landscape surrounding Bannon’s home had already begun to recover, with the barren ecological wasteland showing signs of plant and animal life for the first time in decades.


theonion--2020-08-20--AMC Immediately Recloses After 7-Year-Old Who Ate Too Many Sour Patch Kids Pukes All Over Movie Thea

AMC Immediately Recloses After 7-Year-Old Who Ate Too Many Sour Patch Kids Pukes All Over Movie Theater Chair

LEAWOOD , KS— Reversing course mere hours after reopening their doors , cinema giant AMC immediately reclosed Thursday following an incident in which 7-year-old movie attendee Emma Pearson puked all over a movie theater chair after eating too many Sour Patch Kids .
“ Due to unfortunate circumstances involving an exuberant child , two full boxes of delicious , sugar-coated candy , and a luxurious reclining theater seat which is unfortunately and temporarily coated in multicolored vomit , we are forced to shutter our theaters until further notice , ” said CEO Adam Aron , who expressed regret that AMC @ @ @ @ @ @ @ consuming half a pound of Sour Patch Kids and an extra- large Icee before the opening credits of Trolls World Tour appeared on screen .
“ The issue was compounded when the child partially threw up in her popcorn bag in an effort to contain the spew , only to trip and spill it all over the aisle .
We at AMC can not in good conscience allow moviegoers to fill theaters that are this sticky and completely reek.
” At press time , AMC was establishing protocols limiting the amount of candy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stressed they could not completely rule out future instances of children hurling all over the backs of customers ’ heads .

LEAWOOD, KS— Reversing course mere hours after reopening their doors, cinema giant AMC immediately reclosed Thursday following an incident in which 7-year-old movie attendee Emma Pearson puked all over a movie theater chair after eating too many Sour Patch Kids. “Due to unfortunate circumstances involving an exuberant child, two full boxes of delicious, sugar-coated candy, and a luxurious reclining theater seat which is unfortunately and temporarily coated in multicolored vomit, we are forced to shutter our theaters until further notice,” said CEO Adam Aron, who expressed regret that AMC staff failed to prevent the child from consuming half a pound of Sour Patch Kids and an extra- large Icee before the opening credits of Trolls World Tour appeared on screen. “The issue was compounded when the child partially threw up in her popcorn bag in an effort to contain the spew, only to trip and spill it all over the aisle. We at AMC cannot in good conscience allow moviegoers to fill theaters that are this sticky and completely reek.” At press time, AMC was establishing protocols limiting the amount of candy sold to those under 14, but stressed they could not completely rule out future instances of children hurling all over the backs of customers’ heads.


theonion--2020-08-20--California Police Relieved That Devastating Wildfires Forcing Families Out Of Homes For Them

ELK CREEK , CA—Admitting that the natural disaster gave them a much-needed chance to kick back and relax , state police officers acknowledged their relief Thursday that the rampant wildfires spreading throughout California were forcing families out of their homes for them .
“ You know a huge part of the job is forcibly removing people from their houses and apartments , and fortunately , uncontrolled blazes are doing our work for us , ” said officer Tom Boccia , noting that the massive blazes had been so efficient at causing sobbing citizens to flee their homes with any possessions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ able to leave work early for the first time in weeks .
“ Especially with c oronavirus , it ’ s risky to have such close contact with so many people , so the fire is doing us a huge favor .
Plus , if any of these people get severely injured or burned to death while they ’ re trying to get back into their houses , nobody cries ‘ brutality , ’ so it ’ s really a win-win for us.
” Boccia went on to praise the fires ’ smoke-filled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dete rrent to homeless Californians living on the street .

ELK CREEK, CA—Admitting that the natural disaster gave them a much-needed chance to kick back and relax, state police officers acknowledged their relief Thursday that the rampant wildfires spreading throughout California were forcing families out of their homes for them. “You know a huge part of the job is forcibly removing people from their houses and apartments, and fortunately, uncontrolled blazes are doing our work for us,” said officer Tom Boccia, noting that the massive blazes had been so efficient at causing sobbing citizens to flee their homes with any possessions they could carry that he had been able to leave work early for the first time in weeks. “Especially with c oronavirus, it’s risky to have such close contact with so many people, so the fire is doing us a huge favor. Plus, if any of these people get severely injured or burned to death while they’re trying to get back into their houses , nobody cries ‘brutality,’ so it’s really a win-win for us.” Boccia went on to praise the fires’ smoke-filled air and punishing heat for providing a dete rrent to homeless Californians living on the street.


theonion--2020-08-20--‘Milwaukee Is A Great City On A Great Lake,’ Says Tom Perez Eating Digital Bratwurst During Virtual

‘Milwaukee Is A Great City On A Great Lake,’ Says Tom Perez Eating Digital Bratwurst During Virtual DNC Tour

MILWAUKEE—In fulfillment of a promise made to local officials , the avatar of party chair Tom Perez called Milwaukee “ a great city on a great lake ” and ate a digital bratwurst Thursday while leading a virtual tour of the Democratic National Convention ’ s host city .
“ I ’ ve been working hard to elect Democrats in 2020 , but I ’ m glad I found time to explore everything this realistic , computer-generated simulation of Milwaukee has to offer , ” a low-resolution image of Perez said as it squirted a pixelated stream of mustard onto @ @ @ @ @ @ @ partially rendered background that appeared to be the city ’ s RiverWalk .
“ This delicious local cuisine is really something else .
I think I ’ ll wash it down with an ice-cold Miller Genuine Draft , made right here in Brew City .
Now move your cursor over and click on the Milwaukee Art Museum to check out some 75-d.p.i .
scans of paintings by Wisconsin native Georgia O ’ Keeffe.
” At press time , Perez was reportedly attempting to reboot his tour program after a glitch trapped his avatar @ @ @ @ @ @ @

MILWAUKEE—In fulfillment of a promise made to local officials, the avatar of party chair Tom Perez called Milwaukee “a great city on a great lake” and ate a digital bratwurst Thursday while leading a virtual tour of the Democratic National Convention’s host city. “I’ve been working hard to elect Democrats in 2020, but I’m glad I found time to explore everything this realistic, computer-generated simulation of Milwaukee has to offer,” a low-resolution image of Perez said as it squirted a pixelated stream of mustard onto a German-style sausage and moved through a partially rendered background that appeared to be the city’s RiverWalk. “This delicious local cuisine is really something else. I think I’ll wash it down with an ice-cold Miller Genuine Draft, made right here in Brew City. Now move your cursor over and click on the Milwaukee Art Museum to check out some 75-d.p.i. scans of paintings by Wisconsin native Georgia O’Keeffe.” At press time, Perez was reportedly attempting to reboot his tour program after a glitch trapped his avatar in the middle of Lake Michigan.


theonion--2020-08-20--DNC Speakers Can’t Believe They’re Giving Primetime Slot To Joe Fucking Biden

FAIR OAKS , CA—Admitting they didn ’ t understand what on earth was behind the decision , several Democratic National Convention speakers told reporters Thursday that they couldn ’ t believe party leadership was giving a prime-time slot to Joe fucking Biden .
“ We ’ ve got this stacked lineup—Michelle and Barack Obama , Gretchen Whitmer , Gabby Giffords—and the best they can do for the main event is Biden ?
Joe Biden ?
What the hell is going on ?
” said California governor Gavin Newsom , echoing concerns several other convention speakers had confided to reporters that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ better choice to close out the convention than the six-term Delaware senator .
“ This whole event is supposed to be about inspiring people about the future , and with all due respect to the former vice president , giving him a big speaking spot just isn ’ t going to cut it .
I can see putting him in somewhere in the middle on one of the earlier nights , like right before Billie Eilish performs or maybe have him do a short pre-recorded 30-second clip where he talks about how he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that .
There ’ s going to be all this momentum building with the earlier speakers , and then they expect Joe goddamn Biden is going to bring it all home ?
Give me a fucking break.
” Several Democratic speakers told reporters they were still holding out hope that Biden would drop out of his speaking slot before the evening and it could be given to someone better .

FAIR OAKS, CA—Admitting they didn’t understand what on earth was behind the decision, several Democratic National Convention speakers told reporters Thursday that they couldn’t believe party leadership was giving a prime-time slot to Joe fucking Biden. “We’ve got this stacked lineup—Michelle and Barack Obama, Gretchen Whitmer, Gabby Giffords—and the best they can do for the main event is Biden? Joe Biden? What the hell is going on?” said California governor Gavin Newsom, echoing concerns several other convention speakers had confided to reporters that basically anyone else would have been a better choice to close out the convention than the six-term Delaware senator. “This whole event is supposed to be about inspiring people about the future, and with all due respect to the former vice president, giving him a big speaking spot just isn’t going to cut it. I can see putting him in somewhere in the middle on one of the earlier nights, like right before Billie Eilish performs or maybe have him do a short pre-recorded 30-second clip where he talks about how he loves the country or some shit like that. There’s going to be all this momentum building with the earlier speakers, and then they expect Joe goddamn Biden is going to bring it all home? Give me a fucking break.” Several Democratic speakers told reporters they were still holding out hope that Biden would drop out of his speaking slot before the evening and it could be given to someone better.


theonion--2020-08-20--Iowa Crops Devastated After Big Fat Mama Hog Goes On Tear Through Cornfield

DES MOINES , IA—In one of the worst swine-based disasters in recent history , the Iowa Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that crops were devastated after a big fat mama hog went on a tear through the state ’ s cornfields .
“ Hoo boy , that big ol ’ sow ran through nearly 56 counties and destroyed over 13.8 million acres of corn and soybeans when she got loose and bolted into the fields last week , ” said Iowa Agriculture Secretary Mike Naig , adding that satellite imagery revealed the magnitude of the massive porker ’ s path @ @ @ @ @ @ @ piggy just went a-squealin ’ through our state , knocking over grain silos , machine sheds , and utility poles the whole way .
She then charged several tractors before she tuckered herself out and laid down across multiple lanes on I-80 , stopping traffic .
We estimate the jumbo lady porker caused about $ 6 billion in damage before the National Guard was able to coax her back into her pen with a nice red apple.
” Naig urged Iowans to avoid getting between the fat oinker mama and her piglets , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ liable to bite off your dang finger .

DES MOINES, IA—In one of the worst swine-based disasters in recent history, the Iowa Department of Agriculture announced Thursday that crops were devastated after a big fat mama hog went on a tear through the state’s cornfields. “Hoo boy, that big ol’ sow ran through nearly 56 counties and destroyed over 13.8 million acres of corn and soybeans when she got loose and bolted into the fields last week,” said Iowa Agriculture Secretary Mike Naig, adding that satellite imagery revealed the magnitude of the massive porker’s path of destruction. “This half-ton mama piggy just went a-squealin’ through our state, knocking over grain silos, machine sheds, and utility poles the whole way. She then charged several tractors before she tuckered herself out and laid down across multiple lanes on I-80, stopping traffic. We estimate the jumbo lady porker caused about $6 billion in damage before the National Guard was able to coax her back into her pen with a nice red apple.” Naig urged Iowans to avoid getting between the fat oinker mama and her piglets, because she’s extremely protective and liable to bite off your dang finger.


theonion--2020-08-21--Unclear What About Cereal Commercial Prompted Dad To Reveal Past Affair

FORT LAUDERDALE , FL —Noting that the cereal ad had absolutely zero to do with marital indiscretions , local man William Harris told reporters Friday that it was entirely unclear what about the Honey Nut Cheerios commercial he had just watched prompted his father to reveal his past affair .
“ Maybe it was something about the happiness of the actor or a nostalgia for cereal , but whatever it was , he just went ahead and dropped the fact that he cheated like a bomb , ” said Harris , adding that about 10 seconds into the commercial , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , his father looked him dead in the eye and told him he ’ d been unfaithful to his mom various times throughout his childhood .
“ He just kept saying that he got married too young , and he didn ’ t really know what he wanted , all while looking at Buzz the Bee waving his honey stirrer around .
Again , I really don ’ t know what caused him to reveal that , or the fact that I have a few brothers and sisters I ’ ve apparently never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thank Cheerios , I guess ?
” At press time , Harris told reporters that he wasn ’ t sure if it was related to the car commercial that came on after , but apparently , his father also has a debilitating gambling problem .

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL —Noting that the cereal ad had absolutely zero to do with marital indiscretions, local man William Harris told reporters Friday that it was entirely unclear what about the Honey Nut Cheerios commercial he had just watched prompted his father to reveal his past affair. “Maybe it was something about the happiness of the actor or a nostalgia for cereal, but whatever it was, he just went ahead and dropped the fact that he cheated like a bomb,” said Harris, adding that about 10 seconds into the commercial, right as the milk hit the cereal, his father looked him dead in the eye and told him he’d been unfaithful to his mom various times throughout his childhood. “He just kept saying that he got married too young, and he didn’t really know what he wanted, all while looking at Buzz the Bee waving his honey stirrer around. Again, I really don’t know what caused him to reveal that, or the fact that I have a few brothers and sisters I’ve apparently never met before, but I should maybe thank Cheerios, I guess?” At press time, Harris told reporters that he wasn’t sure if it was related to the car commercial that came on after, but apparently, his father also has a debilitating gambling problem.


theonion--2020-08-21--Frat President Chews Out Brothers Infected With Covid-19 For Not Sanitizing Balls Before Teabagging

Frat President Chews Out Brothers Infected With Covid-19 For Not Sanitizing Balls Before Teabagging Pledges

MOSCOW , IDAHO—Urging his brothers to not be total dumbasses and let their “ Covid -infested nards ” ruin rush week , University Of Idaho ’ s Theta Chi president Christopher Allen reportedly chewed out members that had been infected with coronavirus Friday for not sanitizing their balls before teabagging pledges .
“ All right , guys , I really shouldn ’ t have to say this again at this point , but if you ’ re going to slap your scrotum on a newbie ’ s face and make him lick it , that shit better taste like straight- @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adding that he ’ d specifically requested hand sanitizer stations to be placed around the house so that residents could easily disinfect their balls , penises , or assholes before forcing freshmen to perform lewd acts on them .
“ I ’ m just saying—I know lots of you are running fevers or whatever , so it ’ s extra important that even if you ’ re blackout drunk , you put that shit in the sink , use antibacterial soap , and sing “ H appy B irthday ” twice .
If @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I know that we can drop our pants and sit on these pledge ’ s faces in a safe , healthy way .
But if we don ’ t , say goodbye to fall formal—especially you , Kyle , your balls are disgusting.
” At press time , Allen added that it was also of the utmost importance for Theta Chi brothers to set a good example for the rest of the campus by always wearing a mask when socializing with girls , especially after they have passed out .

MOSCOW, IDAHO—Urging his brothers to not be total dumbasses and let their “Covid -infested nards” ruin rush week, University Of Idaho’s Theta Chi president Christopher Allen reportedly chewed out members that had been infected with coronavirus Friday for not sanitizing their balls before teabagging pledges. “All right, guys, I really shouldn’t have to say this again at this point, but if you’re going to slap your scrotum on a newbie’s face and make him lick it, that shit better taste like straight- up Purell,” said Allen, adding that he’d specifically requested hand sanitizer stations to be placed around the house so that residents could easily disinfect their balls, penises , or assholes before forcing freshmen to perform lewd acts on them. “I’m just saying—I know lots of you are running fevers or whatever, so it’s extra important that even if you’re blackout drunk, you put that shit in the sink, use antibacterial soap, and sing “ H appy B irthday” twice. If we do this C ovid stuff right, I know that we can drop our pants and sit on these pledge’s faces in a safe, healthy way. But if we don’t, say goodbye to fall formal—especially you, Kyle, your balls are disgusting.” At press time, Allen added that it was also of the utmost importance for Theta Chi brothers to set a good example for the rest of the campus by always wearing a mask when socializing with girls, especially after they have passed out.


theonion--2020-08-21--Gamers Will Love This: Sometimes It’s Just Fun To Relax With A Nice Jigsaw Puzzle

Attention all gamers !
Strap in and get pumped because we ’ ve got awesome news that you are going to absolutely love : It turns out sometimes it ’ s just fun to relax with a nice jigsaw puzzle .
Doesn ’ t that sound great ?
Whether you ’ re a casual fan or a full-time gaming junkie who ’ s camping outside and waiting for the latest hot release , there are going to be plenty of moments in your life when it feels good to just hunker down for a cozy night inside and crack open @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cup of tea or cocoa .
Video games are really fun and all , but sometimes your eyes just get tired or you get a headache from looking at a screen for too long .
That ’ s why there is nothing wrong with unplugging for the night and enjoying the tactile sensation of the cardboard in your hands as you flip over the pieces to make sure they ’ re all facing the right way .
And we got ta say that a lot of the time the pictures are just as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ close your eyes and think about sorting out all of the edge pieces until you ’ ve completed the border .
It may seem kind of boring , but it ’ s got a lot in common with the puzzles from your favorite platformers and RPGs .
And there is a real satisfaction in finally fitting in the last square of a 1,500-piecer depicting a snowy field or some trees reflecting in a still pond .
Is this blue one part of the water or the sky ?
Dark Souls has nothing on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ part ?
Jigsaw puzzles are widely available in a variety of designs for every skill level , usually at the fraction of the cost of a video game .
So , get ready for a new obsession that will sharpen your mind , increase your dexterity , and give you something to talk about with your grandmother the next time you call her .

Attention all gamers! Strap in and get pumped because we’ve got awesome news that you are going to absolutely love: It turns out sometimes it’s just fun to relax with a nice jigsaw puzzle.
Doesn’t that sound great? Whether you’re a casual fan or a full-time gaming junkie who’s camping outside and waiting for the latest hot release, there are going to be plenty of moments in your life when it feels good to just hunker down for a cozy night inside and crack open a Ravensburger while you sip a warm cup of tea or cocoa.
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Video games are really fun and all, but sometimes your eyes just get tired or you get a headache from looking at a screen for too long. That’s why there is nothing wrong with unplugging for the night and enjoying the tactile sensation of the cardboard in your hands as you flip over the pieces to make sure they’re all facing the right way. And we gotta say that a lot of the time the pictures are just as pretty as any video game.
Just close your eyes and think about sorting out all of the edge pieces until you’ve completed the border. It may seem kind of boring, but it’s got a lot in common with the puzzles from your favorite platformers and RPGs. And there is a real satisfaction in finally fitting in the last square of a 1,500-piecer depicting a snowy field or some trees reflecting in a still pond. Is this blue one part of the water or the sky? Dark Souls has nothing on that challenge, gamers.
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The best part? Jigsaw puzzles are widely available in a variety of designs for every skill level, usually at the fraction of the cost of a video game. So, get ready for a new obsession that will sharpen your mind, increase your dexterity, and give you something to talk about with your grandmother the next time you call her.


theonion--2020-08-21--New Identification App Lets Hikers Categorize All Corpses They Encounter On Nature Trail

From outdoor enthusiasts to casual walkers , hear why CorpseMatch is a must-have for all nature explorers who regularly stumble @ @ @ @ @ the misfortunate .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

From outdoor enthusiasts to casual walkers, hear why CorpseMatch is a must-have for all nature explorers who regularly stumble across the rotting carcasses of the misfortunate.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-21--Ian McKellen Waiting In Line At Buckingham Palace Administrative Office To Get Knighthood Renewed Be

Ian McKellen Waiting In Line At Buckingham Palace Administrative Office To Get Knighthood Renewed Before It Expires

LONDON—Holding a manila folder full of the requisite paperwork , Sir Ian McKellen was reportedly waiting in line at a @ @ @ @ @ in order to get his knighthood renewed before it expires .
“ Jesus , how @ @ @ @ @ take ?
” said the acclaimed British actor , as he tried to kill time @ @ @ @ @ phone while standing several spots behind Sir Paul McCartney and Dame Judi Dench .
“ @ @ @ @ @ damn birth certificate again like they did in 2012 , that was a fucking nightmare @ @ @ @ @ t they get some more Beefeaters at the counter ?
I mean , I ’ @ @ @ @ @ hours already.
” At press time , McKellen started yelling at Sir Anthony Hopkins , @ @ @ @ @ the line .

LONDON—Holding a manila folder full of the requisite paperwork, Sir Ian McKellen was reportedly waiting in line at a Buckingham Palace administrative office Friday in order to get his knighthood renewed before it expires. “Jesus, how long is this going to take?” said the acclaimed British actor, as he tried to kill time by playing games on his phone while standing several spots behind Sir Paul McCartney and Dame Judi Dench. “They better not lose my damn birth certificate again like they did in 2012, that was a fucking nightmare. God, can’t they get some more Beefeaters at the counter? I mean, I’ve been here for two hours already.” At press time, McKellen started yelling at Sir Anthony Hopkins, who was trying to cut the line.


theonion--2020-08-21--Hawaii Delays Tourism Reopening

Hawaii Delays Tourism Reopening

Officials in Hawaii said Wednesday that the state will remain closed to tourists until at least October due to the @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ I can ’ t imagine spending Halloween anywhere @ @ @ @ @ Lanai.
” “ They could at least open one of their shittier islands.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ s going to want to visit Hawaii when it ’ s a frigid 78 degrees @ @

Officials in Hawaii said Wednesday that the state will remain closed to tourists until at least October due to the recent increase in coronavirus cases. What do you think?
“I can’t imagine spending Halloween anywhere but the picturesque shores of Lanai.” Lauren Rutledge • Veterinary Plastic Surgeon
“They could at least open one of their shittier islands.” Barry Burman • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-08-21--DNC Staffer Watching Biden Speech From Control Room Prepared To Cut To Shot Of American Flag At Any

DNC Staffer Watching Biden Speech From Control Room Prepared To Cut To Shot Of American Flag At Any Moment

MILWAUKEE—Watching with rapt attention from the production control room as presidential candidate Joe Biden delivered his Democratic nomination acceptance speech @ @ @ @ @ was reportedly fully prepared Thursday to cut to a shot of the American flag at @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ re on a 5-second delay , so first sign of a stumble @ @ @ @ @ time , baby ” said Murphy , who kept one hand hovering over the appropriate @ @ @ @ @ the candidate ’ s every word .
“ If this is what it comes to @ @ @ @ @ .
We got the shot all lined up of it flowing majestically in the breeze @ @ @ @ @ also got the national anthem queued up at an ear-shattering volume , if need be @ @ @ @ @ At press time , the control room operator was getting chewed out after accidentally cutting @ @ @ @ @ to other footage of Biden .

MILWAUKEE—Watching with rapt attention from the production control room as presidential candidate Joe Biden delivered his Democratic nomination acceptance speech, DNC staffer Amy Murphy was reportedly fully prepared Thursday to cut to a shot of the American flag at any moment. “Alright, we’re on a 5-second delay, so first sign of a stumble and it’s flag time, baby” said Murphy, who kept one hand hovering over the appropriate button as she breathlessly monitored the candidate’s every word. “If this is what it comes to, we’re ready. We got the shot all lined up of it flowing majestically in the breeze in ultra HD. We also got the national anthem queued up at an ear-shattering volume, if need be. I got this.” At press time, the control room operator was getting chewed out after accidentally cutting from live footage of Biden to other footage of Biden.


theonion--2020-08-21--Man Withholding Judgment On Megan Thee Stallion Shooting Until Hearing Gun’s Side Of The Story

DALLAS—Refusing to assign blame before all the facts were in , local rap fan Cole Franklin confirmed Friday that he @ @ @ @ @ was at fault in the shooting of Megan Thee Stallion until he had heard the @ @ @ @ @ the story .
“ Everyone ’ s always so quick to blame the gun , @ @ @ @ @ , Megan did something to provoke that semiautomatic firearm , ” said Franklin , who @ @ @ @ @ been silent since the alleged incident and that a full investigation would need to be @ @ @ @ @ his mind about whether the weapon was complicit in a felony assault of the artist @ @ @ @ @ 1 single in the nation .
“ The gun is already in police custody .
@ @ @ @ @ ?
If these allegations turn out to be false , the court of public opinion @ @ @ @ @ of a perfectly good gun .
That ’ s not right.
” Franklin went on @ @ @ @ @ for snitching on the gun during her Instagram Live stream .

DALLAS—Refusing to assign blame before all the facts were in, local rap fan Cole Franklin confirmed Friday that he was withholding judgment on who was at fault in the shooting of Megan Thee Stallion until he had heard the gun’s side of the story. “Everyone’s always so quick to blame the gun, but for all we know, Megan did something to provoke that semiautomatic firearm,” said Franklin, who added that the gun had been silent since the alleged incident and that a full investigation would need to be conducted before he made up his mind about whether the weapon was complicit in a felony assault of the artist with the current No. 1 single in the nation. “The gun is already in police custody. What more do you want? If these allegations turn out to be false, the court of public opinion will have ruined the future of a perfectly good gun. That’s not right.” Franklin went on to admonish Megan Thee Stallion for snitching on the gun during her Instagram Live stream.


theonion--2020-08-21--Steve Bannon Indicted For Border Wall Fundraiser Fraud

President Trump ’ s former chief strategist Steve Bannon was arrested and charged with defrauding donors out of hundreds of @ @ @ @ @ crowdfunding campaign that claimed to be raising money for a border wall with Mexico .
@ @ @ @ @ “ As someone wh o loves both the wall and the good grift , I @ @ @ @ @ least he didn ’ t do something harmful with the money like using it for @ @ @ @ @ If w e ’ re prosecuting people for failing to deliver on GoFundMe campaigns , @ @ @ @ @ this indie film .
”

President Trump’s former chief strategist Steve Bannon was arrested and charged with defrauding donors out of hundreds of thousands of dollars through a crowdfunding campaign that claimed to be raising money for a border wall with Mexico. What do you think?
“As someone wh o loves both the wall and the good grift, I am torn.” Rob Frommholz, Omelette Station Manager
“At least he didn’t do something harmful with the money like using it for its intended purpose.” Kristina Stamler, Pony Coordinator
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theonion--2020-08-21--Highlights Of The 2020 Democratic National Convention

The 2020 Democratic National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches with the nomination of Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Democratic National Convention .
Biden presented @ @ @ @ @ option for president by multiple other options .
Successful attainment of 81.4 % of diversity @ @ @ @ @ a single mention of the global helium shortage .
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez making the most of @ @ @ @ @ allotted .
Barack Obama highlights massive responsibility of directing the White House chef , a @ @ @ @ @ cooking any meal at any time of day , and how Joe Biden has what @ @ @ @ @ White House kitchen .
Bill Clinton touting Biden ’ s moral character by recounting all @ @ @ @ @ to tag along on Jeffrey Epstein ’ s private jet .
Repeated emphasis on how @ @ @ @ @ as every other .

The 2020 Democratic National Convention concluded Thursday evening after four days of video speeches with the nomination of Joe Biden for president. The Onion looks at the most significant moments from the 2020 Democratic National Convention.
Heartfelt speeches from Democratic Party rising stars including Mike Bloomberg, John Kasich, and Colin Powell.
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Biden presented as America’s only option for president by multiple other options.
Successful attainment of 81.4% of diversity and inclusion prerequisites.
Not a single mention of the global helium shortage.
Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez making the most of the 60 syllables she was allotted.
Barack Obama highlights massive responsibility of directing the White House chef, a highly funded chef capable of cooking any meal at any time of day, and how Joe Biden has what it takes to oversee the White House kitchen.
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Some pretty solid car commercials.
Bill Clinton touting Biden’s moral character by recounting all the times he decided not to tag along on Jeffrey Epstein’s private jet.
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Video featuring Biden’s 2020 competitors sullied by obvious snub of Michael Bennet.
Repeated emphasis on how this election is the same as every other.


theonion--2020-08-21--Pete Buttigieg Hoping To Leverage Rising Star Status Into Becoming Mayor Of Evansville, Indiana

SOUTH BEND , IN—Calling his presidential run a “ perfect launchpad ” for becoming a leader on a larger scale , Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday that he was hoping to leverage his rising star status into ultimately becoming the mayor of Evansville , IN .
“ After the incredible year I ’ ve had serving not just as the mayor of South Bend , IN , but also as a former presidential candidate in the national spotlight , I ’ m ready to take up the gauntlet of serving a city that has 10,000 extra people , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was only 38 years old , that didn ’ t mean he wasn ’ t ready to step up , unseat Lloyd Winnecke , and take his place as mayor in the Evansville City Center Complex .
“ As a small- town kid from South Bend , who would have thought that one day I ’ d be walking along Evansville ’ s historic riverfront , running for mayor of Indiana ’ s third- most- populous city .
To everyone who helped me on this crazy , pie-in-the-sky journey towards ‘ Stoplight City @ @ @ @ @ @ @ life feels like a dream.
” At press time , Buttigieg had been accused by many Evansville residents of merely using his run in their city as a publicity stunt to one day become the mayor of Fort Wayne .

SOUTH BEND, IN—Calling his presidential run a “perfect launchpad” for becoming a leader on a larger scale, Pete Buttigieg told reporters Friday that he was hoping to leverage his rising star status into ultimately becoming the mayor of Evansville, IN . “After the incredible year I’ve had serving not just as the mayor of South Bend, IN, but also as a former presidential candidate in the national spotlight, I’m ready to take up the gauntlet of serving a city that has 10,000 extra people,” said Buttigieg, adding that just because he was only 38 years old, that didn’t mean he wasn’t ready to step up, unseat Lloyd Winnecke, and take his place as mayor in the Evansville City Center Complex. “As a small- town kid from South Bend, who would have thought that one day I’d be walking along Evansville’s historic riverfront, running for mayor of Indiana’s third- most- populous city. To everyone who helped me on this crazy, pie-in-the-sky journey towards ‘Stoplight City,’ thank you. Sometimes, life feels like a dream.” At press time, Buttigieg had been accused by many Evansville residents of merely using his run in their city as a publicity stunt to one day become the mayor of Fort Wayne.


theonion--2020-08-21--Congressional Republicans Grill Postmaster General Over Mailboxes Censoring Conservatives

WASHINGTON—Demanding to know why the receptacles showed such political bias , congressional Republicans reportedly grilled Postmaster General Louis DeJoy Friday over mailboxes censoring conservatives .
“ Sir , how can you sit there when we believe that mailboxes are out there purposely suppressing conservative letters and preventing Republican packages from being delivered ?
” shouted Sen. James Lankford ( R-OK ) , echoing concerns from other Republican members of the Senate Homeland Security Committee that biased mailbox technology was being used to silence conservative speech .
“ How do these mailboxes work ?
Where is this mail even going ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ and simple , and they ’ re designed to prevent conservative birthday cards and wedding announcements from being heard .
For example , I personally haven ’ t received any well wishes from a friend or family member in months—are you telling me that ’ s not a clear example of mailboxes discriminating against Republicans ?
” At press time , Republican senator Rob Portman was grilling the postmaster general about a spider on the mailbox that prevented him from sending letters to constituents and asking for answers about whatever Deep State plot @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Demanding to know why the receptacles showed such political bias, congressional Republicans reportedly grilled Postmaster General Louis DeJoy Friday over mailboxes censoring conservatives. “Sir, how can you sit there when we believe that mailboxes are out there purposely suppressing conservative letters and preventing Republican packages from being delivered?” shouted Sen. James Lankford (R-OK), echoing concerns from other Republican members of the Senate Homeland Security Committee that biased mailbox technology was being used to silence conservative speech. “How do these mailboxes work? Where is this mail even going? These mailboxes are echo chambers, plain and simple, and they’re designed to prevent conservative birthday cards and wedding announcements from being heard. For example, I personally haven’t received any well wishes from a friend or family member in months—are you telling me that’s not a clear example of mailboxes discriminating against Republicans?” At press time, Republican senator Rob Portman was grilling the postmaster general about a spider on the mailbox that prevented him from sending letters to constituents and asking for answers about whatever Deep State plot put the arachnid there.


theonion--2020-08-21--Watchdog Groups Urge Bob Evans To Create Emergency Plan In Case Donald Trump Refuses To Leave

ALEXANDRIA , VA—Calling the situation “ an imminent threat , ” watchdog groups nationwide urged casual dining establishment Bob Evans to create an emergency plan in case Donald Trump refuses to leave , sources confirmed Friday .
“ We must take the president at his word when he suggests he has no intention of leaving the restaurant after his meal is complete , ” said ACLU spokesperson Lee Porter , calling on those in charge of the franchise to come up with a clear strategy on how best to remove Trump if he won ’ t freely give up his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has long relied on societal norms instead of strict legality to govern diners ’ actions , which could allow a corrupt patron like Trump to take advantage .
As closing time nears , we expect the president to sow confusion with false claims that he ordered his burger without a pickle or that his appetizer never arrived .
If we do nothing and he ’ s able to convince enough diners , and ultimately get the waitstaff to heel , Bob Evans as we know it may be at an end.
” Porter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ power to act now by refusing to refill the president ’ s water glass and placing the check face down in front of him on the table .

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Calling the situation “an imminent threat,” watchdog groups nationwide urged casual dining establishment Bob Evans to create an emergency plan in case Donald Trump refuses to leave, sources confirmed Friday. “We must take the president at his word when he suggests he has no intention of leaving the restaurant after his meal is complete,” said ACLU spokesperson Lee Porter, calling on those in charge of the franchise to come up with a clear strategy on how best to remove Trump if he won’t freely give up his booth. “Unfortunately, Bob Evans has long relied on societal norms instead of strict legality to govern diners’ actions, which could allow a corrupt patron like Trump to take advantage. As closing time nears, we expect the president to sow confusion with false claims that he ordered his burger without a pickle or that his appetizer never arrived. If we do nothing and he’s able to convince enough diners, and ultimately get the waitstaff to heel, Bob Evans as we know it may be at an end.” Porter closed his remarks by urging those in power to act now by refusing to refill the president’s water glass and placing the check face down in front of him on the table.


theonion--2020-08-21--Jim Harbaugh Annoyed He Only Got $5.89 For Selling Back 2020 Playbook To University Bookstore

ANN ARBOR , MI—Staring down at the five- dollar bill in frustration before stuffing it into his wallet , Michigan @ @ @ @ @ Friday that he was annoyed after only getting $ 5.89 from the university bookstore for @ @ @ @ @ .
“ This is bullshit , that thing was like $ 150 , and I @ @ @ @ @ a fucking rip- off , ” said Harbaugh , who complained that the playbook had @ @ @ @ @ for coaching the Wolverines football program this year even though older used ones are available @ @ @ @ @ of pages were a little dog-eared , but that thing was basically in mint condition @ @ @ @ @ much the same playbook they made me buy last year with a few more run-pass @ @ @ @ @ all just a fucking scam to make money.
” At press time , Harbaugh was @ @ @ @ @ burger from a campus cafe but was 50 cents short .

ANN ARBOR, MI—Staring down at the five- dollar bill in frustration before stuffing it into his wallet, Michigan football coach Jim Harbaugh confirmed Friday that he was annoyed after only getting $5.89 from the university bookstore for selling back his 2020 playbook. “This is bullshit, that thing was like $150, and I barely used it. What a fucking rip- off,” said Harbaugh, who complained that the playbook had been explicitly pushed as mandatory for coaching the Wolverines football program this year even though older used ones are available online. “A couple of pages were a little dog-eared, but that thing was basically in mint condition. And it was pretty much the same playbook they made me buy last year with a few more run-pass options. It’s all just a fucking scam to make money.” At press time, Harbaugh was trying to buy a turkey burger from a campus cafe but was 50 cents short.


theonion--2020-08-21--Woman Surprises Husband Returning From Long Day Of Work By Dressing Dog Up All Sexy

SAN DIEGO—Preparing the erotic evening as “ a special treat , ” local woman Amber Rowe reportedly surprised her husband @ @ @ @ @ a long day of work Friday by dressing their dog up “ all sexy.
” @ @ @ @ @ , the door ’ s unlocked—I ’ ve got a playful little surprise waiting for @ @ @ @ @ ” said Rowe , as her husband opened the door to a trail of rose @ @ @ @ @ where the couple ’ s golden retriever , Sandy , was lounging seductively in a @ @ @ @ @ “ I know you ’ ve been stressed out lately , working so hard all @ @ @ @ @ is for you , dear .
Just lie down and relax , and let someone @ @ @ @ @ best friend.
” At press time , Mr. Rowe was unavailable for comment after shrugging @ @ @ @ @ bedroom door behind him .

SAN DIEGO—Preparing the erotic evening as “a special treat,” local woman Amber Rowe reportedly surprised her husband as he returned home from a long day of work Friday by dressing their dog up “all sexy.” “Come in, honey, the door’s unlocked—I’ve got a playful little surprise waiting for you in the bedroom,” said Rowe, as her husband opened the door to a trail of rose petals leading to the bedroom where the couple’s golden retriever, Sandy, was lounging seductively in a racy red satin negligee. “I know you’ve been stressed out lately, working so hard all day long. So this is for you, dear. Just lie down and relax, and let someone be a man’s best friend.” At press time, Mr. Rowe was unavailable for comment after shrugging in resignation and closing the bedroom door behind him.


theonion--2020-08-24--Russian Opposition Leader Hospitalized After Alleged Poisoning

Russian anti-corruption activist Alexei Navalny , one of Vladimir Putin ’ s most outspoken critics , fell into a coma @ @ @ @ @ that allies suspect was poisoned by Kremlin forces .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ t going to improve his feelings toward Putin.
” “ This is why I try @ @ @ @ @ about anyone .
”

Russian anti-corruption activist Alexei Navalny, one of Vladimir Putin’s most outspoken critics, fell into a coma last Thursday after drinking tea that allies suspect was poisoned by Kremlin forces. What do you think?
“This p robably isn’t going to improve his feelings toward Putin.” Dallas Boyd • Tin Jeweler
“Sure, blame the violent authoritarian.” Monica Lafferty • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-08-25--RNC Features Tribute From Family Members Of Americans Who Will Die If Trump Wins Second Term

CHARLOTTE , NC—Applauding the soon-to-be bereaved widows and orphans for their profound sacrifices , the Republican National Convention kicked off Monday evening with a tribute from family members of Americans who will die if Donald Trump wins a second term .
“ Above all else , we wanted to use the convention to honor these brave citizens and all that they will suffer if we succeed in getting President Trump back into office , ” said RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel , touting the primetime slot of brief speeches from the potentially beleaguered parents and siblings as a chance to raise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who will endure the unimaginable should the policies of the current White House remain in place for four more years .
“ One of the most powerful moments of the night was the standing ovation for that mother of two after she talked about how much she ’ ll miss her two boys who might die due to the continued lack of any clear federal response to the largest pandemic in a century .
But what really got me was hearing from the 12-year-old who might become fatherless in 2021 if his dad @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about another disproven cure for Covid-19.
” At press time , the RNC was airing a short sentimental tribute set to “ ( I ’ ve Had ) The Time Of My Life ” dedicated to all 1,500,000 future victims of the pandemic after a 2020 Trump victory .

CHARLOTTE, NC—Applauding the soon-to-be bereaved widows and orphans for their profound sacrifices, the Republican National Convention kicked off Monday evening with a tribute from family members of Americans who will die if Donald Trump wins a second term. “Above all else, we wanted to use the convention to honor these brave citizens and all that they will suffer if we succeed in getting President Trump back into office,” said RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel, touting the primetime slot of brief speeches from the potentially beleaguered parents and siblings as a chance to raise the profile of “true patriots” who will endure the unimaginable should the policies of the current White House remain in place for four more years. “One of the most powerful moments of the night was the standing ovation for that mother of two after she talked about how much she’ll miss her two boys who might die due to the continued lack of any clear federal response to the largest pandemic in a century. But what really got me was hearing from the 12-year-old who might become fatherless in 2021 if his dad gets a chance to believe the president about another disproven cure for Covid-19.” At press time, the RNC was airing a short sentimental tribute set to “(I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life” dedicated to all 1,500,000 future victims of the pandemic after a 2020 Trump victory.


theonion--2020-08-24--Officer Points To Unarmed White Man He Once Killed To Prove He’s Not Racist

SAGINAW , MI—Recalling the time he and his partner fired dozens of rounds into the shoplifting suspect ’ s body @ @ @ @ @ Denney reportedly pointed Monday to the unarmed white man he killed once to prove he @ @ @ @ @ “ Look at all the people I ’ ve brutally beaten and killed before judging @ @ @ @ @ said Denney , who pointed to his pristine disciplinary record as further evidence of his @ @ @ @ @ It doesn ’ t matter if you ’ re white , Black , Asian , @ @ @ @ @ ll shoot you .
I approach every civilian with the same number of bullets in @ @ @ @ @ skin color .
I mean , I shot that guy nine times in the back @ @ @ @ @ that ?
And he was definitely white .
Well , we found that out afterward @ @ @ @ @ t very good at the time.
” At press time , Denney admitted he initially @ @ @ @ @ gunned down was biracial .

SAGINAW, MI—Recalling the time he and his partner fired dozens of rounds into the shoplifting suspect’s body, local police officer Bradley Denney reportedly pointed Monday to the unarmed white man he killed once to prove he’s not racist. “Look at all the people I’ve brutally beaten and killed before judging me, alright?” said Denney, who pointed to his pristine disciplinary record as further evidence of his lack of bias. “It doesn’t matter if you’re white, Black, Asian, or Hispanic; I’ll shoot you. I approach every civilian with the same number of bullets in my chamber, regardless of skin color. I mean, I shot that guy nine times in the back. Would a racist do that? And he was definitely white. Well, we found that out afterward. The lighting wasn’t very good at the time.” At press time, Denney admitted he initially thought the man he had gunned down was biracial.


theonion--2020-08-24--Trouble Not Your Mind, Gamers: Video Games Are Considered Cool Right Now

Here at OGN , we ’ re often struck with a vague inkling that something is terribly amiss , and if you ’ re a reader , you most likely also lie awake nights with an unshakable sense of dread .
Well , if that ’ s the case , trouble not your mind , for video games are considered cool right now !
That ’ s right !
Video games are generally regarded as being harmless fun by society at large , so let your conscience be lightened and your fears allayed !
While we could never claim that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ industry is above reproach , your visage needn ’ t be clouded nor your brow furrowed with doubt—there ’ s essentially no social stigma associated with playing video games in this day and age .
In fact , many people associated with games are now considered not only socially acceptable but even sexually desirable !
So sleep soundly tonight .
There was a time , in the dark mire of ages only recently past , when this was not the case .
A time when gamers ’ minds were clouded by fears of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simple love of Sonic or Street Fighter .
That time is gone .
Be you a casual hobbyist or a hardcore pro , you can breathe free and let this knowledge serve as a balm to your fevered brain : I f you tell people you like Nintendo now , they will see you as fun , and maybe even someone they might want to hang out with more .
Naught shall disturb you from your blithe and blissful musings on upcoming consoles and DLCs , oh , sweet gamers , not while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And yes , it is true that we can not predict what may lay far beyond the horizon for fans of everything from classic arcade games to the latest in VR technology .
None of us knows our own future , but take heart , gamers !
Live for now , embrace the day , and imbibe the sweet and nutritive milk of knowledge that gaming is generally regarded favorably .

Here at OGN, we’re often struck with a vague inkling that something is terribly amiss, and if you’re a reader, you most likely also lie awake nights with an unshakable sense of dread. Well, if that’s the case, trouble not your mind, for video games are considered cool right now!
That’s right! Video games are generally regarded as being harmless fun by society at large, so let your conscience be lightened and your fears allayed!
Advertisement
While we could never claim that every title is perfect or that the industry is above reproach, your visage needn’t be clouded nor your brow furrowed with doubt—there’s essentially no social stigma associated with playing video games in this day and age. In fact, many people associated with games are now considered not only socially acceptable but even sexually desirable! So sleep soundly tonight.
There was a time, in the dark mire of ages only recently past, when this was not the case. A time when gamers’ minds were clouded by fears of ostracism and ruin, all for their simple love of Sonic or Street Fighter. That time is gone. Be you a casual hobbyist or a hardcore pro, you can breathe free and let this knowledge serve as a balm to your fevered brain: I f you tell people you like Nintendo now, they will see you as fun, and maybe even someone they might want to hang out with more.
Advertisement Advertisement
Naught shall disturb you from your blithe and blissful musings on upcoming consoles and DLCs, oh, sweet gamers, not while you’re in our care.
And yes, it is true that we cannot predict what may lay far beyond the horizon for fans of everything from classic arcade games to the latest in VR technology. None of us knows our own future , but take heart, gamers! Live for now, embrace the day, and imbibe the sweet and nutritive milk of knowledge that gaming is generally regarded favorably.


theonion--2020-08-24--Fucking Lightweight Hospitalized For Coronavirus On First Night Of College

BOISE , ID—In an embarrassing demonstration by a freshman who absolutely can not hang , sources confirmed Monday that fucking lightweight Riley Kinnebeck was hospitalized for coronavirus on his first night of college .
“ Seriously , though , who coughs until they collapse and has to be taken away in an ambulance at the very first party of freshman year ?
” said residence hall mate Troy Lovell , who noted Kinnebeck already seemed feverish and short of breath as they pregamed in a fellow freshman ’ s dorm room .
“ We wouldn ’ t have even brought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ party if we knew h e was going to completely puss out and only do , like , three seconds of his first keg stand before starting to wheeze .
I was trying to talk to this girl , and she was all like , ‘ Is that really sick guy your friend ?
’ Then the ambulance totally killed the vibe , with the EMTs trying to get him conscious and all .
I guess maybe don ’ t get coronavirus if you can ’ t handle it .
What a bitch.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kinnebeck ’ s humiliation with heroic exploits of fellow freshman Bryce Viello , who was powering through his coronavirus like a total fucking legend .

BOISE, ID—In an embarrassing demonstration by a freshman who absolutely cannot hang, sources confirmed Monday that fucking lightweight Riley Kinnebeck was hospitalized for coronavirus on his first night of college. “Seriously, though, who coughs until they collapse and has to be taken away in an ambulance at the very first party of freshman year ?” said residence hall mate Troy Lovell, who noted Kinnebeck already seemed feverish and short of breath as they pregamed in a fellow freshman’s dorm room. “We wouldn’t have even brought Riley with us to the Delta Sig party if we knew h e was going to completely puss out and only do, like, three seconds of his first keg stand before starting to wheeze. I was trying to talk to this girl, and she was all like, ‘Is that really sick guy your friend?’ Then the ambulance totally killed the vibe, with the EMTs trying to get him conscious and all. I guess maybe don’t get coronavirus if you can’t handle it. What a bitch.” Student sources also contrasted the lightweight Kinnebeck’s humiliation with heroic exploits of fellow freshman Bryce Viello, who was powering through his coronavirus like a total fucking legend.


theonion--2020-08-24--Bee, Man Allergic To Bees Found Dead In Apparent Murder-Suicide

A random act of violence or something more sinister ?
Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

A random act of violence or something more sinister? Hear what police are saying about this anaphylactic tragedy.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-24--U.S. Unemployment Continues To Skyrocket As More Americans Pursue Dream Of Becoming A Dancer

WASHINGTON—With the U.S. unemployment rate still in double digits , a new Labor Department report published Monday credits most of the spike in joblessness to an uptick in the number of Americans leaving their old lives behind to reach for the stars and become a professional dancer .
“ Our data shows that in the past four months , Americans have overwhelmingly decided it ’ s time to stop talking about their long-nurtured dreams of a dancing career and , instead , get out there and make it happen , ” said John Wilson of the Bureau of Labor Statistics @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nation ’ s approximately 16 million new Broadway hopefuls promptly quit their steady , full-time jobs after looking in the mirror and asking themselves , “ If not now , when ?
” “ We ’ re seeing more and more heads of households break into ambitiously choreographed routines in the middle of the workday , dance out to the parking lot , and then drive straight through the night to the Big Apple , where they vow not to give up until they land a spot with the American Ballet Theatre , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other big companies .
We can only hope a larger market for tap , modern , and hip-hop opens up soon to absorb some of the impact this newly unbridled passion for movement has had on the economy .
These numbers are even worse than when we saw when millions of workers had left to go find themselves in Asia in 2008.
” Historians confirmed this year ’ s job losses are the highest recorded since struggling Americans migrated to California in hopes of dancing in a lavishly produced Busby Berkeley musical during @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—With the U.S. unemployment rate still in double digits, a new Labor Department report published Monday credits most of the spike in joblessness to an uptick in the number of Americans leaving their old lives behind to reach for the stars and become a professional dancer. “Our data shows that in the past four months, Americans have overwhelmingly decided it’s time to stop talking about their long-nurtured dreams of a dancing career and, instead, get out there and make it happen,” said John Wilson of the Bureau of Labor Statistics, adding that the majority of the nation’s approximately 16 million new Broadway hopefuls promptly quit their steady, full-time jobs after looking in the mirror and asking themselves, “If not now, when?” “We’re seeing more and more heads of households break into ambitiously choreographed routines in the middle of the workday, dance out to the parking lot, and then drive straight through the night to the Big Apple, where they vow not to give up until they land a spot with the American Ballet Theatre, Alvin Ailey, or one of the other big companies. We can only hope a larger market for tap, modern, and hip-hop opens up soon to absorb some of the impact this newly unbridled passion for movement has had on the economy. These numbers are even worse than what we saw when millions of workers left to go find themselves in Asia in 2008.” Historians confirmed this year’s job losses are the highest recorded since struggling Americans migrated to California in hopes of dancing in a lavishly produced Busby Berkeley musical during the Great Depression.


theonion--2020-08-24--Smithsonian Unearths Historic 1939 Recording Of Sports Radio Host Criticizing Lou Gehrig’s Commitmen

Smithsonian Unearths Historic 1939 Recording Of Sports Radio Host Criticizing Lou Gehrig’s Commitment To Baseball

WASHINGTON—Calling the broadcast a “ rare find ” that encapsulates the true meaning of sports in America , archivists at the Smithsonian Institution unearthed a 1939 recording Monday that features a sports radio host attacking Lou Gehrig ’ s commitment to baseball .
“ Is this guy serious ?
The Yankees pay Gehrig the big bucks , and he thanks them by quitting over some little cold or something ?
What a fraud !
” said local New York broadcaster Hank Miller in the radio segment on Gehrig ’ s 1939 retirement , who then took calls from dozens of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ boy who should just suck it up and do his job .
“ Look , we don ’ t pay these guys $ 5,000 for nothing .
Put me on the team and I ’ ll play with all the involuntary spasms you throw at me .
He ’ s spitting in the faces of fans with this poppycock .
Today , you ’ re the luckiest man on Earth , Lou ?
No , today , you are the laziest man on Earth.
” At press time , the recording was being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an 1880 newspaper editorial claiming that the introduction of downs had destroyed the sport of football .

WASHINGTON—Calling the broadcast a “rare find” that encapsulates the true meaning of sports in America, archivists at the Smithsonian Institution unearthed a 1939 recording Monday that features a sports radio host attacking Lou Gehrig’s commitment to baseball. “Is this guy serious? The Yankees pay Gehrig the big bucks, and he thanks them by quitting over some little cold or something? What a fraud!” said local New York broadcaster Hank Miller in the radio segment on Gehrig’s 1939 retirement, who then took calls from dozens of fans attacking Gehrig as a spoiled pretty boy who should just suck it up and do his job. “Look, we don’t pay these guys $5,000 for nothing. Put me on the team and I’ll play with all the involuntary spasms you throw at me. He’s spitting in the faces of fans with this poppycock. Today, you’re the luckiest man on Earth, Lou? No, today, you are the laziest man on Earth.” At press time, the recording was being prepared for display alongside a clipping of an 1880 newspaper editorial claiming that the introduction of downs had destroyed the sport of football.


theonion--2020-08-25--Man Worried He’s Not Caring And Responsible Enough To Be Parent After Cat He Adopted Shoots Up Middl

Man Worried He’s Not Caring And Responsible Enough To Be Parent After Cat He Adopted Shoots Up Middle School

YELLOW SPRINGS , OH—Expressing concern that the actions of the feline had exposed deficiencies in his parenting skills , pet owner Aaron DeSpiegler admitted Tuesday he was deeply worried he may not be caring or responsible enough to be a father after his adopted cat , Muffin , killed four children and a teacher and wounded several others in a middle school shooting .
“ I always believed I had what it took to have a family , but now that I know Muffin was able to buy an AR-15 at a gun show without my knowledge and take it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know if I ’ m cut out for the much larger responsibility of having a child , ” said DeSpiegler , who claimed he was able to keep his pet sheltered and healthy but is not certain he provided adequate emotional support for his obviously troubled cat .
“ Of course it ’ s tempting to blame Muffin ’ s actions on his birth parents , but the hard truth is I ’ ve raised him since he was a kitten and I have to accept responsibility for how he ended up .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the increasingly hostile behavior , the isolation , the white nationalist literature all over his scratching pad .
I have a lot to learn if I ever want to be a dad.
” DeSpiegler admitted he should have taken a tougher look at himself last year after his pet hamster burned down his woodshed .

YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—Expressing concern that the actions of the feline had exposed deficiencies in his parenting skills, pet owner Aaron DeSpiegler admitted Tuesday he was deeply worried he may not be caring or responsible enough to be a father after his adopted cat, Muffin, killed four children and a teacher and wounded several others in a middle school shooting. “I always believed I had what it took to have a family, but now that I know Muffin was able to buy an AR-15 at a gun show without my knowledge and take it to school, I don’t know if I’m cut out for the much larger responsibility of having a child,” said DeSpiegler, who claimed he was able to keep his pet sheltered and healthy but is not certain he provided adequate emotional support for his obviously troubled cat. “Of course it’s tempting to blame Muffin’s actions on his birth parents, but the hard truth is I’ve raised him since he was a kitten and I have to accept responsibility for how he ended up. I ignored all the warning signs: the increasingly hostile behavior, the isolation, the white nationalist literature all over his scratching pad. I have a lot to learn if I ever want to be a dad.” DeSpiegler admitted he should have taken a tougher look at himself last year after his pet hamster burned down his woodshed.


theonion--2020-08-25--ExxonMobil To Simplify Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half

Hear why ExxonMobil believes their new initiative will have minimal environmental impacts and provide Americans with clean , affordable fuel @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why ExxonMobil believes their new initiative will have minimal environmental impacts and provide Americans with clean, affordable fuel.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-25--Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 25, 2020

Only one major thing will happen to you this week .
After that , however , it won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ to ever happen to you again .

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
Only one major thing will happen to you this week. After that, however, it won’t really be possible for anything to ever happen to you again.


theonion--2020-08-25--Warner Bros. Resumes Movie Productions

Warner Bros. Resumes Movie Productions

Warner Bros. has started production on The Matrix 4 and will resume filming for The Batman and Fantastic Beasts And @ @ @ @ @ after shutting down in March due to coronavirus .
What do you think ?

Warner Bros. has started production on The Matrix 4 and will resume filming for The Batman and Fantastic Beasts And Where To Find Them 3 after shutting down in March due to coronavirus. What do you think?
“If anyone can pre tend things are totally normal, it’s actors.” Orwin Sumner • Needle Threader
“Thank God! I’ve been forced to watch original content all summer.” Jean Bailey • Blender Mechanic
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theonion--2020-08-28--‘And After The 100-Foot-Tall Spiders Destroy The Cities, They’ll Come For The Suburbs!’ Screams Terr

‘And After The 100-Foot-Tall Spiders Destroy The Cities, They’ll Come For The Suburbs!’ Screams Terrified Giuliani In RNC Speech

CHARLOTTE , NC—Delivering a stern warning about his fear for the nation ’ s future , a visibly terrified Rudy Giuliani screamed his conviction in a Thursday evening RNC speech that 100-foot-tall spiders would destroy American cities and then come for the suburbs .
“ Once they ’ ve wrapped our major cities in their massive silk webs , make no mistake , these spiders will come to the suburbs , snatch your children out of their beds , and lay thousands of eggs in their skulls , ” said Giuliani in a lengthy appeal to voters to heed his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from their colonies in liberal-controlled urban centers and begin sucking the life force from the souls of Americans , leaving behind nothing but shriveled black husks .
“ If they ’ re in league with the scorpions , we ’ ll be wiped out even sooner .
But there is hope : I ’ ve heard them chittering and chittering about how scared they are of President Trump .
Of course , the Democrats will try to convince you that this is all just some fantasy , but I was in New York @ @ @ @ @ @ @ took down the World Trade Center .
Folks , I guarantee you that it can happen again if we aren ’ t careful .
Oh God , I see one in the audience !
Jesus Christ , it ’ s too late !
” At press time , aides had dragged Giuliani from the stage after the convulsing former New York City mayor began shrieking that the spiders had secretly planted eggs inside his chest and they had started to hatch .

CHARLOTTE, NC—Delivering a stern warning about his fear for the nation’s future, a visibly terrified Rudy Giuliani screamed his conviction in a Thursday evening RNC speech that 100-foot-tall spiders would destroy American cities and then come for the suburbs. “ Once they’ve wrapped our major cities in their massive silk webs, make no mistake, these spiders will come to the suburbs, snatch your children out of their beds, and lay thousands of eggs in their skulls,” said Giuliani in a lengthy appeal to voters to heed his words before the gargantuan arachnids fan out from their colonies in liberal-controlled urban centers and begin sucking the life force from the souls of Americans, leaving behind nothing but shriveled black husks. “If they’re in league with the scorpions, we’ll be wiped out even sooner. But there is hope: I’ve heard them chittering and chittering about how scared they are of President Trump. Of course, the Democrats will try to convince you that this is all just some fantasy, but I was in New York when the tarantulas first came in and took down the World Trade Center. Folks, I guarantee you that it can happen again if we aren’t careful. Oh God, I see one in the audience! Jesus Christ, it’s too late!” At press time, aides had dragged Giuliani from the stage after the convulsing former New York City mayor began shrieking that the spiders had secretly planted eggs inside his chest and they had started to hatch.


theonion--2020-08-27--Health Experts Warn Of ‘Twindemic’ As Flu Season Approaches

Doctors worldwide are urging people to get flu shots early this year due to concerns that a severe flu season @ @ @ @ @ , ” placing added pressure on health care systems already struggling to fight the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I can ’ t believe they still haven ’ t canceled flu season @ @ @ @ @ that ’ s happening.
” “ That ’ s assuming we don ’ t have @ @ @ @ @ few weeks or so.
” “ And here I am , still obsessing about rickets @ @

Doctors worldwide are urging people to get flu shots early this year due to concerns that a severe flu season could create a “twindemic,” placing added pressure on health care systems already struggling to fight the coronavirus. What do you think?
“I can’t believe they still haven’t canceled flu season in light of everyth ing that’s happening.” John Kassirer • Yacht Bartender
“That’s assuming we don’t have coronavirus licked in the next few weeks or so.” Eliza Scott • Meat Skewer Specialist
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theonion--2020-08-27--Man Just Wants To Watch Basketball In Peace Without Being Forced To Recognize Players’ Humanity In A

Man Just Wants To Watch Basketball In Peace Without Being Forced To Recognize Players’ Humanity In Any Way

CULVER CITY , CA—Preferring to just watch playoff basketball in peace , Lakers fan Derek Wainwright expressed frustration Thursday that @ @ @ @ @ recognize basketball players ’ humanity in any way .
“ I wish they ’ d @ @ @ @ @ into sports , so I can enjoy the damn game , ” said Wainwright , @ @ @ @ @ paid top dollar to repress their emotions .
“ I want to cheer for LeBron @ @ @ @ @ t need him shoving his concerns over police brutality in my face .
Thinking about @ @ @ @ @ the whole experience for me .
Plus , I ’ m already rooting for B @ @ @ @ @ that they ’ re people with concerns about inequality doesn ’ t even apply to @ @ @ @ @ , Wainwright criticized “ bandwagon fans ” for only supporting LeBron James when he ’ @ @ @ @ @ winning civil rights .

CULVER CITY, CA—Preferring to just watch playoff basketball in peace, Lakers fan Derek Wainwright expressed frustration Thursday that he was being forced to recognize basketball players’ humanity in any way. “I wish they’d stop bringing basic human dignity into sports, so I can enjoy the damn game,” said Wainwright, adding that NBA players get paid top dollar to repress their emotions. “I want to cheer for LeBron, but I don’t need him shoving his concerns over police brutality in my face. Thinking about their personal lives completely ruins the whole experience for me. Plus, I’m already rooting for B lack players so this message that they’re people with concerns about inequality doesn’t even apply to me.” At press time, Wainwright criticized “bandwagon fans” for only supporting LeBron James when he’s on the brink of winning civil rights.


theonion--2020-08-27--Blue Lives Matter Supporters Say Kyle Rittenhouse Not Reflective Of Most Peaceful Apologists For Pol

Blue Lives Matter Supporters Say Kyle Rittenhouse Not Reflective Of Most Peaceful Apologists For Police State

NEW YORK—After an AR-15-wielding teenager was charged with the first-degree murder of two protesters in Kenosha , WI , Blue Lives Matter supporters told reporters Thursday that Kyle Rittenhouse ’ s actions did not reflect the nonviolent tactics favored by most police-state apologists .
“ When you see us out there waving ‘ thin blue line ’ flags and menacing the public with semiautomatic rifles , please know that the majority of us are just peacefully expressing our support for a system in which police officers are allowed to kill with impunity , ” said Blue Lives Matter activist Gordon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not stand for lethal vigilante violence , but rather for lethal state-supported violence carried out in the name of keeping people safe .
“ Do we sympathize with this 17-year-old police admirer ’ s desire to live out a long-nurtured militia-man fantasy of patrolling the streets and administering justice ?
Certainly .
Does the real blame ultimately lie with the people who were shot for failing to obey his orders ?
Of course .
Nonetheless , we can not condone Rittenhouse ’ s decision to pull the trigger without a badge.
” Hamblett @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down innocent civilians on a public street should at least enroll in a police academy first .

NEW YORK—After an AR-15-wielding teenager was charged with the first-degree murder of two protesters in Kenosha, WI, Blue Lives Matter supporters told reporters Thursday that Kyle Rittenhouse’s actions did not reflect the nonviolent tactics favored by most police-state apologists. “When you see us out there waving ‘thin blue line’ flags and menacing the public with semiautomatic rifles, please know that the majority of us are just peacefully expressing our support for a system in which police officers are allowed to kill with impunity,” said Blue Lives Matter activist Gordon Hamblett, explaining that the movement did not stand for lethal vigilante violence, but rather for lethal state-supported violence carried out in the name of keeping people safe. “Do we sympathize with this 17-year-old police admirer’s desire to live out a long-nurtured militia-man fantasy of patrolling the streets and administering justice? Certainly. Does the real blame ultimately lie with the people who were shot for failing to obey his orders? Of course. Nonetheless, we cannot condone Rittenhouse’s decision to pull the trigger without a badge.” Hamblett added that anyone who was considering mowing down innocent civilians on a public street should at least enroll in a police academy first.


theonion--2020-08-27--Ornithologists Discover Owls Just Bounce Off Your Windshield On The Highway Sometimes

ANN ARBOR , MI—In a report issued Thursday from a stretch of U.S. 23 South , Wilson Ornithological Society researchers shared new data that suggests owls just bounce off your windshield right there on the highway sometimes .
“ According to our research , it is possible for an owl to come out of nowhere , slam face-first into your car , and then ricochet back off into the night before you even realize what has occurred , ” said Professor Jarrett Miller , a member of the four-person team of ornithologists who collected the data , which indicates the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ loud twhapping sound as it strikes the glass of an automobile traveling 70 mph .
“ Our group of avian experts discovered that it ’ s pretty nuts when it happens , with at least 75 % of vehicle occupants turning to each other and saying , ‘ Whoa !
’ or ‘ What the hell ?
’ While we ’ ve previously recorded instances of these majestic creatures hunting and roosting , we now know they ’ re also capable of getting smacked pretty hard by a Honda Accord and then spinning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
They don ’ t squawk or anything ; they just kind of go ‘ thunk.
’ ” Because the researchers were reportedly late for a conference and did not stop to look for the owl , they were unable to confirm their hypothesis that the bird ’ s hollow bones had probably fractured into thousands of really tiny shards .

ANN ARBOR, MI—In a report issued Thursday from a stretch of U.S. 23 South, Wilson Ornithological Society researchers shared new data that suggests owls just bounce off your windshield right there on the highway sometimes. “According to our research, it is possible for an owl to come out of nowhere, slam face-first into your car, and then ricochet back off into the night before you even realize what has occurred,” said Professor Jarrett Miller, a member of the four-person team of ornithologists who collected the data, which indicates the nocturnal bird of prey makes a surprisingly loud twhapping sound as it strikes the glass of an automobile traveling 70 mph. “Our group of avian experts discovered that it’s pretty nuts when it happens, with at least 75% of vehicle occupants turning to each other and saying, ‘Whoa!’ or ‘What the hell?’ While we’ve previously recorded instances of these majestic creatures hunting and roosting, we now know they’re also capable of getting smacked pretty hard by a Honda Accord and then spinning away in a tangled blur of feathers. They don’t squawk or anything; they just kind of go ‘thunk.’” Because the researchers were reportedly late for a conference and did not stop to look for the owl, they were unable to confirm their hypothesis that the bird’s hollow bones had probably fractured into thousands of really tiny shards.


theonion--2020-08-27--Years Of Listening To Grandpa Talk About Dust Bowl Pays Dividends In Instagram Post Honoring His Dea

Years Of Listening To Grandpa Talk About Dust Bowl Pays Dividends In Instagram Post Honoring His Death

OXNARD , CA—Offering a return on investment that local woman Alyson Murdoch had reportedly never anticipated , years of listening to her grandpa talk about life in the Dust Bowl paid huge dividends Thursday in an Instagram post honoring his death .
“ I had to spend years listening to him jabbering on about never knowing where his family was going to get their next meal , but it was all worth it watching these likes roll in , ” said Murdoch , adding that she now treasured her grandfather constantly rambling about life in Depression-era Oklahoma that she remembered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about how much “ Grandpa loved the Dust Bowl , and in a way , he never left it.
” “ I always thought it was super boring , but people are really eating it up about how his family ’ s farm was completely ruined and then his brother died as an infant , but he still managed to get through it .
It was super inspirational , whatever he did after the Dust Bowl besides have my dad—I pretty much zoned out during those parts .
But I have almost three @ @ @ @ @ @ @ memorial post than my posts usually get , and it ’ s mostly heart emojis , too .
I ’ m going to start doing this every year.
” Murdoch added that she really regretted that she could never reap any benefits from a memorial Instagram story about her grandma , but that her grandma apparently never did anything worth listening to .

OXNARD, CA—Offering a return on investment that local woman Alyson Murdoch had reportedly never anticipated, years of listening to her grandpa talk about life in the Dust Bowl paid huge dividends Thursday in an Instagram post honoring his death. “I had to spend years listening to him jabbering on about never knowing where his family was going to get their next meal, but it was all worth it watching these likes roll in,” said Murdoch, adding that she now treasured her grandfather constantly rambling about life in Depression-era Oklahoma that she remembered enough specifics to write a popular post about how much “Grandpa loved the Dust Bowl, and in a way, he never left it.” “I always thought it was super boring, but people are really eating it up about how his family’s farm was completely ruined and then his brother died as an infant, but he still managed to get through it. It was super inspirational, whatever he did after the Dust Bowl besides have my dad—I pretty much zoned out during those parts. But I have almost three times as many com ments on his memorial post than my posts usually get, and it’s mostly heart emojis, too. I’m going to start doing this every year.” Murdoch added that she really regretted that she could never reap any benefits from a memorial Instagram story about her grandma, but that her grandma apparently never did anything worth listening to.


theonion--2020-08-27--‘Friend, You Understand Friend?’ Gesture Democratic Leaders To Focus Group Of Working-Class Voters

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to reach a voter bloc they hoped would be responsive to the party ’ s message , @ @ @ @ @ gestures and loudly intoned the words “ Friend , you understand friend ?
” during @ @ @ @ @ Americans , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ Voooooote…V-V-V-Voooote…Can you say , ‘ Vote ’ ?
@ @ @ @ @ Tom Perez asked a conference room full of truck drivers , home healthcare workers , @ @ @ @ @ them candy when they provided desired responses to 2020 candidates and shocking them with a @ @ @ @ @ did not .
“ Me Tom .
Me say , ‘ Joe Biden good , @ @ @ @ @ it with Tom , now : ‘ Biden good , Trump bad.
’ ” At @ @ @ @ @ welder reportedly interrupted Perez , who was handing out coloring-book pages of sample ballots , @ @ @ @ @ would bring renewable energy jobs to underserved communities .

WASHINGTON—In an attempt to reach a voter bloc they hoped would be responsive to the party’s message, Democratic leaders employed broad hand gestures and loudly intoned the words “Friend, you understand friend?” during a focus group with working-class Americans, sources confirmed Thursday. “Voooooote…V-V-V-Voooote…Can you say, ‘Vote’?” Democratic National Committee Chair Tom Perez asked a conference room full of truck drivers, home healthcare workers, and retail associates, offering them candy when they provided desired responses to 2020 candidates and shocking them with a small electric baton when they did not. “Me Tom. Me say, ‘Joe Biden good, Donald Trump bad.’ Say it with Tom, now: ‘Biden good, Trump bad.’” At press time, a fed-up welder reportedly interrupted Perez, who was handing out coloring-book pages of sample ballots, to ask how the party would bring renewable energy jobs to underserved communities.


theonion--2020-08-27--Cinephile Refugees Arrive On Rafts In Canada For ‘Tenet’ Premiere

Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything , all just for the chance to @ @ @ @ @ Christopher Nolan ’ s latest blockbuster .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

Hear how a worsening humanitarian crisis is forcing film enthusiasts to risk everything, all just for the chance to see an early screening of Christopher Nolan’s latest blockbuster.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-27--Florida To Release 750 Million Genetically Modified Mosquitoes

Local authorities in the Florida Keys approved a plan for 2021 to release hundreds of millions of mosquitos with a @ @ @ @ @ offspring to die in the larval stage , in hopes of reducing diseases spread by @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ I don ’ t envy the person whose yard they release @ @ @ @

Local authorities in the Florida Keys approved a plan for 2021 to release hundreds of millions of mosquitos with a modified gene that causes female offspring to die in the larval stage, in hopes of reducing diseases spread by the insect. What do you think?
“Thank God, I’ m starving.” Joyce Schloemer • Fireworks Developer
“I don’t envy the person whose yard they release them in.” Troy Foxworth • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-08-27--Commentators Note Healthy Choice Commercial That Played Between RNC Broadcasts Made Powerful, Stirri

Commentators Note Healthy Choice Commercial That Played Between RNC Broadcasts Made Powerful, Stirring Case For Reduced-Calorie Dinners

NEW YORK—Acknowledging that it delivered a message that would likely stick with viewers for a long time , political commentators Wednesday sung the praises of the Healthy Choice commercial that played between RNC broadcasts last night for making a powerful , stirring case for reduced-calorie dinners .
“ This was a complete win for the popular microwaveable food brand , showing definitively that they have what it takes to keep you feeling full and fully energized all day long , ” said CNN analyst Chris Cillizza , admitting that while there had been concerns about staying on-message , producers had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spot that went off without a hitch .
“ Healthy Choice painted a surprisingly optimistic vision by choosing to focus on tasty , fresh ingredients at a low price instead of a gloom- and- doom warning about the dangers of obesity and heart disease .
It was a truly impressive TV moment , and it may represent a whole new chapter for the dining brand.
” Cillizza added that a fact check would be forthcoming , but there was no doubt that the message of delicious and convenient food had stuck a chord @ @ @ @ @ @

NEW YORK—Acknowledging that it delivered a message that would likely stick with viewers for a long time, political commentators Wednesday sung the praises of the Healthy Choice commercial that played between RNC broadcasts last night for making a powerful, stirring case for reduced-calorie dinners. “This was a complete win for the popular microwaveable food brand, showing definitively that they have what it takes to keep you feeling full and fully energized all day long,” said CNN analyst Chris Cillizza, admitting that while there had been concerns about staying on-message, producers had exceeded expectations with the perfectly orchestrated ad spot that went off without a hitch. “Healthy Choice painted a surprisingly optimistic vision by choosing to focus on tasty, fresh ingredients at a low price instead of a gloom- and- doom warning about the dangers of obesity and heart disease. It was a truly impressive TV moment, and it may represent a whole new chapter for the dining brand.” Cillizza added that a fact check would be forthcoming, but there was no doubt that the message of delicious and convenient food had stuck a chord with wide swaths of Americans.


theonion--2020-08-26--RNC Forced To Pad Out Final Nights Of Convention With Illegitimate Trump Children

CHARLOTTE , NC—Short on time and bereft of any better options , organizers of the Republican National Convention were reportedly forced to pad out the final nights of the event with illegitimate Trump children , sources confirmed Wednesday .
“ We ’ re proud to announce over a dozen new surprise speakers will be joining our lineup this evening , ” said RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel , who managed to get the president ’ s many secret offspring to agree to speak at the convention in exchange for an increase in their privately negotiated monthly hush- money payments .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Michael , Cici , Shane , Elliot , and Nicole , as well as many other energetic and exciting newcomers into the fold , some of whom we ’ re still getting in touch with , so hang tight .
This is a diverse and accomplished group that ’ s , in fact , very representative of this country .
Joan Marie is a 43-year-old Jewish mother living in Palm Beach , Florida .
Xavier is a 19-year-old auto mechanic saving up money for college in Aurora , Colorado .
One of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , so tune in for the big reveal.
” At press time , half of the illegitimate Trump children were cut from the schedule after sharing anti-Semitic conspiracy theories online .

CHARLOTTE, NC—Short on time and bereft of any better options, organizers of the Republican National Convention were reportedly forced to pad out the final nights of the event with illegitimate Trump children, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We’re proud to announce over a dozen new surprise speakers will be joining our lineup this evening,” said RNC chairwoman Ronna McDaniel, who managed to get the president’s many secret offspring to agree to speak at the convention in exchange for an increase in their privately negotiated monthly hush- money payments. “We’re pleased to welcome Heather, Michael, Cici, Shane, Elliot, and Nicole, as well as many other energetic and exciting newcomers into the fold, some of whom we’re still getting in touch with, so hang tight. This is a diverse and accomplished group that’s, in fact, very representative of this country. Joan Marie is a 43-year-old Jewish mother living in Palm Beach, Florida. Xavier is a 19-year-old auto mechanic saving up money for college in Aurora, Colorado. One of them is even a beloved Hollywood star, so tune in for the big reveal.” At press time, half of the illegitimate Trump children were cut from the schedule after sharing anti-Semitic conspiracy theories online.