theonion--2020-08-12--Trump Adds Another Knockout Nickname For Kamala Harris To List After Making Mark Meadows Cry

WASHINGTON—Appearing to relish the wounded look on his chief of staff ’ s face , President Donald Trump reportedly added @ @ @ @ @ vice-presidential pick Kamala Harris to his list Wednesday after the devastating sobriquet succeeded in making @ @ @ @ @ That ’ s it , that ’ s the one , ” said Trump , @ @ @ @ @ for a nearby memo pad to write down the prospective nickname after Meadows burst into @ @ @ @ @ the room upon being called Mark the Misfit .
“ That hurt him pretty good @ @ @ @ @ me to stop .
I liked Bogus Mark , too , but he didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ until I slapped him .
So maybe we go with Kamala the Misfit .
Or @ @ @ @ @ Does that still work ?
I just wish I could get something with a C @ @ @ @ @ time , sources confirmed a frowning Trump was trying to remember if the word “ @ @ @ @ @ be a good or bad thing .

WASHINGTON—Appearing to relish the wounded look on his chief of staff’s face, President Donald Trump reportedly added another sensational nickname for Democratic vice-presidential pick Kamala Harris to his list Wednesday after the devastating sobriquet succeeded in making Mark Meadows cry. “That’s it, that’s the one,” said Trump, who according to sources reached for a nearby memo pad to write down the prospective nickname after Meadows burst into tears and stormed out of the room upon being called Mark the Misfit. “That hurt him pretty good. The man even begged me to stop. I liked Bogus Mark, too, but he didn’t cry for that one until I slapped him. So maybe we go with Kamala the Misfit. Or ’Mala the Misfit? Does that still work? I just wish I could get something with a C or K.” At press time, sources confirmed a frowning Trump was trying to remember if the word “charismatic” was supposed to be a good or bad thing.


theonion--2020-08-12--Candidate Profile: Democratic VP Nominee Kamala Harris

Senator Kamala Harris was announced Tuesday as Joe Biden ’ s vice presidential pick for the 2020 Democratic Party ticket @ @ @ @ @ look at Harris ’ background , political history , and what she brings to the @ @ @ @ @ : Waiting for the president to die in office .
Progressive Bona Fides : Provided @ @ @ @ @ offenders she convicted .
How She Clinched VP Slot : Bonded with Biden over shared @ @ @ @ @ campaigns .
Number Of Times Biden Has Called Her Michelle So Far : 23 .

Senator Kamala Harris was announced Tuesday as Joe Biden’s vice presidential pick for the 2020 Democratic Party ticket. The Onion takes a look at Harris’ background, political history, and what she brings to the 2020 election.
Ethnicity: Perfect, just perfect.
Childhood Dream: Waiting for the president to die in office.
Greatest Liability: Prominent association with Joe Biden.
Progressive Bona Fides: Provided housing to thousands of low-level offenders she convicted.
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Signature Debate Moment: Nailing clarinet solo in talent portion.
How She Clinched VP Slot: Bonded with Biden over shared experience running extremely unsuccessful presidential campaigns.
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Bite Force: 230 PSI.
Chances She’ll Shoot Friend In Face On Hunting Trip: Low.
Number Of Times Biden Has Called Her Michelle So Far: 23.
Contribution To Ticket: Centrist counterbalance to Biden’s centrism.


theonion--2020-08-12--Conservatives Warn Radical Kamala Harris Will Impose Her Christian Beliefs On American Populace

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that this was only the first step of many designed to destroy freedom and turn the nation into an extremist nightmare , conservative pundits warned Wednesday that known radical Kamala Harris would soon impose her Christian beliefs on the American populace .
“ Say goodbye to America as we know it , because in Kamala Harris ’ America , you ’ ll spend every Sunday worshiping Jesus as our Lord and savior , ” said Blaze Media CEO Glenn Beck , adding that if elected , Americans would be forced to live in a society where adults and children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ birth to live in fear of an all-powerful Lord and Savior .
“ Frankly , while this is terrifying , don ’ t just listen to me—go and read their disgusting scripture , which regularly features rape , incest , and something called an ‘ immaculate conception.
’ So , I ask you , do you really want your kids to spend every Sunday on their knees , getting radicalized by a religion that has killed millions in extremist violence around the globe ?
For God ’ s sake , we ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one.
” At press time , Beck also warned of an increasingly bleak future where Americans were forced to take time off of work for Christian holidays and refer to America as “ one nation , under God .
”

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that this was only the first step of many designed to destroy freedom and turn the nation into an extremist nightmare, conservative pundits warned Wednesday that known radical Kamala Harris would soon impose her Christian beliefs on the American populace. “Say goodbye to America as we know it, because in Kamala Harris’ America, you’ll spend every Sunday worshiping Jesus as our Lord and savior,” said Blaze Media CEO Glenn Beck, adding that if elected, Americans would be forced to live in a society where adults and children regularly attend church and are brainwashed from birth to live in fear of an all-powerful Lord and Savior. “Frankly, while this is terrifying, don’t just listen to me—go and read their disgusting scripture, which regularly features rape, incest, and something called an ‘immaculate conception.’ So, I ask you, do you really want your kids to spend every Sunday on their knees, getting radicalized by a religion that has killed millions in extremist violence around the globe? For God’s sake, we’re a Christian nation, not a Christian one.” At press time, Beck also warned of an increasingly bleak future where Americans were forced to take time off of work for Christian holidays and refer to America as “one nation, under God.”


theonion--2020-08-12--NCAA Reminds Boosters That Full Bribes Still Due Even If Football Season Canceled

INDIANAPOLIS , IN—Responding to a wave of cance led checks after news broke of a potential shutdown , NCAA officials reminded boosters Wednesday that full bribes were still due to their respective teams even if the Division I FBS season was cancel ed .
“ It ’ s unfortunate that we may not get to play football this year , but you still have a responsibility to grease our palms , ” said NCAA president Mark Emmert , reaching out to boosters to clarify that even without a season , the need for a new field house and the mortgage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go away .
“ Your schools need you more than ever with the financial shortfall of a cance led season .
Nobody is happy about this outcome , but you need to honor the off-the-books promises you made to your alma mater .
We ’ re extending the deadline to pay , but don ’ t even think about asking for a discount.
” At press time , NCAA officials revealed that despite retaining 100 % of their bribe revenue , teams would no longer be making normal cash hand offs to high @ @ @

INDIANAPOLIS, IN—Responding to a wave of cance led checks after news broke of a potential shutdown, NCAA officials reminded boosters Wednesday that full bribes were still due to their respective teams even if the Division I FBS season was cancel ed. “It’s unfortunate that we may not get to play football this year, but you still have a responsibility to grease our palms,” said NCAA president Mark Emmert, reaching out to boosters to clarify that even without a season, the need for a new field house and the mortgage payments on his vacation home do not go away. “Your schools need you more than ever with the financial shortfall of a cance led season. Nobody is happy about this outcome, but you need to honor the off-the-books promises you made to your alma mater. We’re extending the deadline to pay, but don’t even think about asking for a discount.” At press time, NCAA officials revealed that despite retaining 100% of their bribe revenue, teams would no longer be making normal cash hand offs to high school recruits.


theonion--2020-08-12--Biden Campaign Gets Kamala Harris Quickly Up To Speed On Candidate’s Plans For Presidential Funeral

Biden Campaign Gets Kamala Harris Quickly Up To Speed On Candidate’s Plans For Presidential Funeral Service

WASHINGTON—Filling in the new vice-presidential pick on all of the arrangements that will need to be made ahead of the ceremony , the Joe Biden presidential campaign reportedly got Kamala Harris quickly up to speed Wednesday on the candidate ’ s plans for his presidential funeral service .
“ So , I want to do a viewing in the Capitol building obviously , and then after that , I want to be taken to Delaware for my burial following a livestream service at St. Joseph ’ s , ” said Biden to the California senator , explaining what type of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of his aides handed her a folder containing information about the catering and floral arrangements , as well as the eulogy bullet points .
“ Here are the Bible verses I want to have read , along with a seating chart .
We ’ re still hashing out the list of speakers , but we ’ ll definitely have you , Barack , and Jill offer remarks , and then we ’ ll end the ceremony with the orchestra playing ‘ Danny Boy.
’ ” At press time , Harris was accompanying Biden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in Wilmington .

WASHINGTON—Filling in the new vice-presidential pick on all of the arrangements that will need to be made ahead of the ceremony, the Joe Biden presidential campaign reportedly got Kamala Harris quickly up to speed Wednesday on the candidate’s plans for his presidential funeral service. “So, I want to do a viewing in the Capitol building obviously, and then after that, I want to be taken to Delaware for my burial following a livestream service at St. Joseph’s,” said Biden to the California senator, explaining what type of casket exterior finish he wanted as one of his aides handed her a folder containing information about the catering and floral arrangements, as well as the eulogy bullet points. “Here are the Bible verses I want to have read, along with a seating chart. We’re still hashing out the list of speakers, but we’ll definitely have you, Barack, and Jill offer remarks, and then we’ll end the ceremony with the orchestra playing ‘Danny Boy.’” At press time, Harris was accompanying Biden as he scoped out potential burial sites in Wilmington.


theonion--2020-08-12--27-Year-Old Transforms Into Pensive, Weathered Sage Moments After Sitting In Rocking Chair

FRANKLIN , TN—Expressing shock at the abrupt metamorphosis , witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local man Mike Heckner , 27 , had transformed into a pensive and wistful old sage just moments after sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of an old farmhouse .
“ He seemed like a pretty ordinary guy until he lowered himself into that rocker , at which point I saw he possessed the kind of hard-won wisdom that is only conferred by a lifetime of ceaseless , probing introspection , ” said Arianna Friedman , one of several onlookers who told reporters the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ certainly offer sound advice culled from decades of lived experience , should anyone care enough to ask .
“ Then he pulled a wool blanket over his legs and suddenly looked frail and wizened .
As he rocked back and forth , the lines in his face appeared freighted with difficult truths about this life , his creased brow a scar from the long battle he fought before finally negotiating his peace with an indifferent world.
” While witnesses reported that no one could be sure where the contemplative elder ’ s wooden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they agreed some lucky kid somewhere would soon be getting their very own train whistle .

FRANKLIN, TN—Expressing shock at the abrupt metamorphosis, witnesses confirmed Wednesday that local man Mike Heckner, 27, had transformed into a pensive and wistful old sage just moments after sitting in a rocking chair on the front porch of an old farmhouse. “He seemed like a pretty ordinary guy until he lowered himself into that rocker, at which point I saw he possessed the kind of hard-won wisdom that is only conferred by a lifetime of ceaseless, probing introspection,” said Arianna Friedman, one of several onlookers who told reporters the venerable presence seated before them would almost certainly offer sound advice culled from decades of lived experience, should anyone care enough to ask. “Then he pulled a wool blanket over his legs and suddenly looked frail and wizened. As he rocked back and forth, the lines in his face appeared freighted with difficult truths about this life, his creased brow a scar from the long battle he fought before finally negotiating his peace with an indifferent world.” While witnesses reported that no one could be sure where the contemplative elder’s wooden block and whittling knife had come from, they agreed some lucky kid somewhere would soon be getting their very own train whistle.


theonion--2020-08-12--Insatiable Media Begins Rampantly Speculating On Biden’s Choice Of Small Business Administration Cha

Insatiable Media Begins Rampantly Speculating On Biden’s Choice Of Small Business Administration Chair After VP Question Answered

WASHINGTON—Hours after the historic announcement of Kamala Harris as a presidential running mate , the insatiable media reportedly spent Wednesday ramping up rabid speculation on who the Biden campaign would select as Small Business Administration Chair .
“ Now that the VP question is answered , we need to keep the fire going with some SBA talk—I ’ m talking 20 think pieces in the next hour , deep dives into Karen Mills ’ merits and flaws , a live ticker on the website showing Tim Ryan ’ s prospects in the race to help the country ’ s small @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said FiveThirtyEight ’ s editor-in-chief Nate Silver , echoing hundreds of fevered pundits , journalists , and talking heads across the political spectrum who immediately pivoted into stoking readers ’ interest with frenzied discussion of the cabinet position that assists in developing access to capital and building government contracting opportunities .
“ Oh baby , my heart ’ s pumping just thinking about the back and forth we could get if we had [ former SBA Chiefs ] Marianne Markowitz and Erskine Bowles on a podcast to discuss the role ’ s significance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t let CNN beat us to the punch .
I ’ m getting our tech guys to design little widget tracking the SBA race in real time .
Our readers are going to eat this up.
” At press time , a visibly excited Silver had urged one of his writers type up a complete history of A. Vernon Weaver ’ s tenure after discovering # SuretyBonds was trending .

WASHINGTON—Hours after the historic announcement of Kamala Harris as a presidential running mate, the insatiable media reportedly spent Wednesday ramping up rabid speculation on who the Biden campaign would select as Small Business Administration Chair. “Now that the VP question is answered, we need to keep the fire going with some SBA talk—I’m talking 20 think pieces in the next hour, deep dives into Karen Mills’ merits and flaws, a live ticker on the website showing Tim Ryan’s prospects in the race to help the country’s small business owners and entrepreneurs thrive!” said FiveThirtyEight’s editor-in-chief Nate Silver, echoing hundreds of fevered pundits, journalists, and talking heads across the political spectrum who immediately pivoted into stoking readers’ interest with frenzied discussion of the cabinet position that assists in developing access to capital and building government contracting opportunities. “Oh baby, my heart’s pumping just thinking about the back and forth we could get if we had [former SBA Chiefs] Marianne Markowitz and Erskine Bowles on a podcast to discuss the role’s significance in increasing loan volume. We can’t let CNN beat us to the punch. I’m getting our tech guys to design little widget tracking the SBA race in real time. Our readers are going to eat this up.” At press time, a visibly excited Silver had urged one of his writers type up a complete history of A. Vernon Weaver’s tenure after discovering #SuretyBonds was trending.


theonion--2020-08-12--Gamer’s Fixation On Rayman Even More Unsettling For Not Being Sexual

STOW , OH—Expressing deep reservations about how or why one would otherwise become such a devoted fan of the platforming character , sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Joseph Lee ’ s fixation on the video game character Rayman is even more unsettling for not being sexual .
“ Joe ’ s replayed pretty much all of the games , purchased a bunch of different Rayman T-shirts , and once even dressed up as Rayman for Halloween , and , eerily enough , he ’ s never once so much as hinted at being turned on by him , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he would understand if the reason for Lee moderating a Rayman fan site and collecting Rayman merchandise was because , deep down , he found the limbless humanoid sexually attractive , but that he has yet to suggest anything of the sort , which only made the situation all the more strange and upsetting .
“ I mean , none of the fan art that he posts online ever shows Rayman getting penetrated or brandishing a few floating genitals .
I guess he could be keeping that to himself , but most of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rayman innocently hanging out with the Raving Rabbids .
So , I guess Joe ’ s just genuinely appreciates Rayman ’ s powers and design in a platonic way ?
Ugh .
God , it ’ s so creepy.
” At press time , sources reported having their skin crawl while reading Lee ’ s Facebook post about buying a vintage Rayman plush toy without even hinting that he would later use it to masturbate .

STOW, OH—Expressing deep reservations about how or why one would otherwise become such a devoted fan of the platforming character, sources confirmed Wednesday that local man Joseph Lee’s fixation on the video game character Rayman is even more unsettling for not being sexual. “Joe’s replayed pretty much all of the games, purchased a bunch of different Rayman T-shirts, and once even dressed up as Rayman for Halloween, and, eerily enough, he’s never once so much as hinted at being turned on by him,” said coworker Neil Solomon, explaining that he would understand if the reason for Lee moderating a Rayman fan site and collecting Rayman merchandise was because, deep down, he found the limbless humanoid sexually attractive, but that he has yet to suggest anything of the sort, which only made the situation all the more strange and upsetting. “I mean, none of the fan art that he posts online ever shows Rayman getting penetrated or brandishing a few floating genitals. I guess he could be keeping that to himself, but most of what he’s drawing is just Rayman innocently hanging out with the Raving Rabbids. So, I guess Joe just genuinely appreciates Rayman’s powers and design in a platonic way? Ugh. God, it’s so creepy.” At press time, sources reported having their skin crawl while reading Lee’s Facebook post about buying a vintage Rayman plush toy without even hinting that he would later use it to masturbate.


theonion--2020-08-13--Phil Collins’ ‘In The Air Tonight’ Re-Enters Music Charts Following Viral Video

39 years after its original debut , “ In The Air Tonight ” by Phil Collins hit No .
3 @ @ @ @ @ chart after a video of Youtube personalities Fred and Tim Williams reacting to the song @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ Proof that great art doesn ’ t die , it just @ @ @ @ @ data.
” “ Ah , to be young and ignorant of Phil Collins again.
” @ @ @ @ @ ve made it in the music industry once your songs are being played on YouTube @ @

39 years after its original debut, “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins hit No. 3 on the iTunes Top Songs chart after a video of Youtube personalities Fred and Tim Williams reacting to the song went viral. What do you think?
“Proof that great art doesn’t die, it just gets repopularized using algorith m-driven data.” Ben Kostic • Drywall Patcher
“Ah, to be young and ignorant of Phil Collins again.” Cody Dumoulin • Felt Purveyor
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theonion--2020-08-13--WHO Urges People To Delay Routine Dental Exams

The World Health Organization is calling on people to put off visiting the dentist for routine care until Covid-19 rates @ @ @ @ @ more about the risks involved .
What do you think ?
“ Okay , I @ @ @ @ @ use my teeth too much until then.
” “ Well , there goes the remainder @ @ @ @ @ year.
” “ Finally , a public health policy I ’ ve already been following @ @ @ @ @

The World Health Organization is calling on people to put off visiting the dentist for routine care until Covid-19 rates drop or until researchers know more about the risks involved. What do you think?
“Okay, I’ll try not to use my teeth too much until then.” Larry Stemer, Systems Analyst
“Well, there goes the remainder of my plans for this year.” Fiona Neuwirth, Box Flattener
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theonion--2020-08-13--Annual Sturgis Biker Symposium Features Experts Presenting On Advancements In Bar Fight Weaponry

STURGIS , SD—Gathering from across the country to present the latest scientific and sociological findings on riding hogs and throwing down , the 18th annual Sturgis Motorcycling Research Symposium continued Thursday with experts presenting on cutting-edge advancements in bar fight weaponry .
“ What really stunned me was seeing how far we ’ ve come with analysis of , say , the hurt you can put on some bastard using a broken pool cue versus a shattered Jack Daniels bottle , ” said Dr. Alex “ Dog Breath ” Wallace , one of the nearly 250,000 leather- and bandana-wearing intellectuals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ year ’ s symposium to exchange data on spitting a mouthful of Old Milwaukee into a rival biker ’ s face before putting your knee in their balls as well as conversing about the relative merits of slamming a bar stool down on some cabrón ’ s head to scare off his chickenshit gang .
“ I ’ ve been coming to seminars at Sturgis since ’ 83 , and it ’ s always stimulating as hell to see the forward leaps we ’ ve made in the best way to beat down @ @ @ @ @ @ @ town on his first Super Low and thinks he ’ s hot fucking shit .
For example , my colleagues from Montana gave a sterling presentation about the advantages of putting out your lit Marlboro right between some goon ’ s eyes and then slamming a shot glass down on his head .
It ’ s exhilarating , and , frankly , I can ’ t wait to put some of these discoveries into application on the first dickless fuck who looks at me the wrong way.
” At press time , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a brawl broke out between 50,000 attendees intent on conducting field research .

STURGIS, SD—Gathering from across the country to present the latest scientific and sociological findings on riding hogs and throwing down, the 18th annual Sturgis Motorcycling Research Symposium continued Thursday with experts presenting on cutting-edge advancements in bar fight weaponry. “What really stunned me was seeing how far we’ve come with analysis of, say, the hurt you can put on some bastard using a broken pool cue versus a shattered Jack Daniels bottle,” said Dr. Alex “Dog Breath” Wallace, one of the nearly 250,000 leather- and bandana-wearing intellectuals of the motorcycling field who attended this year’s symposium to exchange data on spitting a mouthful of Old Milwaukee into a rival biker’s face before putting your knee in their balls as well as conversing about the relative merits of slamming a bar stool down on some cabrón’s head to scare off his chickenshit gang. “I’ve been coming to seminars at Sturgis since ’83, and it’s always stimulating as hell to see the forward leaps we’ve made in the best way to beat down some high-on-his-chopper prick who just rode into town on his first Super Low and thinks he’s hot fucking shit. For example, my colleagues from Montana gave a sterling presentation about the advantages of putting out your lit Marlboro right between some goon’s eyes and then slamming a shot glass down on his head. It’s exhilarating, and, frankly, I can’t wait to put some of these discoveries into application on the first dickless fuck who looks at me the wrong way.” At press time, the Sturgis Symposium had had briefly adjourned after a brawl broke out between 50,000 attendees intent on conducting field research.


theonion--2020-08-13--Apple Planning ‘Apple One’ Subscription Bundle Featuring Music, TV, Tim Cook’s Hearty Stew

CUPERTINO , CA—In an effort to build greater customer loyalty , tech giant Apple announced Thursday the rollout of a new subscription bundle called Apple One , which will combine its popular music and TV services with a hearty stew developed by CEO Tim Cook , all at one discounted monthly rate .
“ Apple One will make it easier than ever to access the up-to-the-minute news , unrivaled entertainment , and aromatic meat-based and vegetarian stews that our users have come to expect , ” said company spokesperson Lynne Duncan , adding that the basic bundle would provide up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with access to Apple Music , Apple TV+ , and Tim Cook ’ s signature blend of seasonal vegetables and rich , warm broth , to be delivered nightly to one ’ s door .
“ Apple is offering more great content than ever before , and we can ’ t wait for our valued customers to see and smell what we ’ ve got in store for Apple One , from bold new original programming to Tim Cook ’ s delicately spiced bone-in ham stock .
Members will also have the option @ @ @ @ @ @ @ such as Apple Arcade , additional iCloud storage , or a fresh , crusty San Francisco sourdough loaf hand-carved into a soup bowl by our CEO himself.
” Duncan added that while the initial rollout would offer hot soups no matter the time of year , Cook and a team of engineers were looking to expand into gazpachos by 2024 .

CUPERTINO, CA—In an effort to build greater customer loyalty, tech giant Apple announced Thursday the rollout of a new subscription bundle called Apple One, which will combine its popular music and TV services with a hearty stew developed by CEO Tim Cook, all at one discounted monthly rate. “Apple One will make it easier than ever to access the up-to-the-minute news, unrivaled entertainment, and aromatic meat-based and vegetarian stews that our users have come to expect,” said company spokesperson Lynne Duncan, adding that the basic bundle would provide up to four family members at a time with access to Apple Music, Apple TV+, and Tim Cook’s signature blend of seasonal vegetables and rich, warm broth, to be delivered nightly to one’s door. “Apple is offering more great content than ever before, and we can’t wait for our valued customers to see and smell what we’ve got in store for Apple One, from bold new original programming to Tim Cook’s delicately spiced bone-in ham stock. Members will also have the option of customizing their subscription with premium add-ons such as Apple Arcade, additional iCloud storage, or a fresh, crusty San Francisco sourdough loaf hand-carved into a soup bowl by our CEO himself.” Duncan added that while the initial rollout would offer hot soups no matter the time of year, Cook and a team of engineers were looking to expand into gazpachos by 2024.


theonion--2020-08-13--Pros And Cons Of Canceling College Football

With the Big Ten and Pac-12 voting to delay their seasons this week , the debate has been raging over @ @ @ @ @ of playing college football during the pandemic .
Onion Sports evaluates the pros and cons @ @ @ @ @ Frees up stadiums around the country to be converted into temporary hospitals .
Local affiliate @ @ @ @ @ Monk to fill schedule .
The NCAA will save millions of dollars it would have @ @ @ @ @ attempts at unionizing this season .
Provides coaches with an easy way to appear to @ @ @ @ @ their players .
A chance to see how good Mel Kiper Jr. really is at @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s just college football , not like it ’ s anything important .
@ @ @ @ @ in the fall will look completely stupid .
Would let the coronavirus think it is @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re not paying Dabo Swinney $ 9 million to talk , you know @ @ @ @ @ Saturdays outside .

With the Big Ten and Pac-12 voting to delay their seasons this week, the debate has been raging over the relative value and safety of playing college football during the pandemic. Onion Sports evaluates the pros and cons of canceling the season.
Pro
Frees up stadiums around the country to be converted into temporary hospitals.
Local affiliate will show back-to-back episodes of Monk to fill schedule.
The NCAA will save millions of dollars it would have otherwise spent thwarting players’ attempts at unionizing this season.
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Provides coaches with an easy way to appear to care about the health of their players.
A chance to see how good Mel Kiper Jr. really is at this mock draft thing.
It’s just college football, not like it’s anything important.
Con
Anyone wearing a team logo in the fall will look completely stupid.
Would let the coronavirus think it is winning.
I mean, we’re not paying Dabo Swinney $9 million to talk, you know.
Chests already painted.
Aspiring NFL players will miss a crucial year of CTE development.
Will have to spend Saturdays outside.


theonion--2020-08-13--Pedophile Sucks Too Bad At ‘Fortnite’ To Actually Groom Any Relationships With Children

TOPSHAM , ME—Describing how his ineptitude in the battle royale mode was severely hampering his ability to proposition any of the preteens he was playing with , sources confirmed Thursday that local pedophile Darren Costas was sucking too bad at Fortnite to actually groom any relationships with children .
“ God , there ’ s no way this dude is going to be able to strike up a conversation with any of these kids if he keeps dying within the first 30 seconds of dropping , ” said Lucas Grant , a 15-year-old player who was in a squad with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s attempts at using the game to befriend potential victims was completely undermined by the fact that he clearly doesn ’ t know how to mine for resources or switch between the building and combat modes .
“ He keeps asking everyone to play another round with him , but no one wants to have him in their squad since he ’ s constantly needing to get revived .
It ’ s so embarrassing , I mean , he just offered to give someone a green pistol in exchange for their Instagram @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a brain knows it ’ s a totally useless weapon.
” At press time , a fed-up Costas began downloading Minecraft in the hopes that he would have better luck .

TOPSHAM, ME—Describing how his ineptitude in the battle royale mode was severely hampering his ability to proposition any of the preteens he was playing with, sources confirmed Thursday that local pedophile Darren Costas was sucking too bad at Fortnite to actually groom any relationships with children. “God, there’s no way this dude is going to be able to strike up a conversation with any of these kids if he keeps dying within the first 30 seconds of dropping,” said Lucas Grant, a 15-year-old player who was in a squad with Costas, explaining how the 37-year-old predator’s attempts at using the game to befriend potential victims was completely undermined by the fact that he clearly doesn’t know how to mine for resources or switch between the building and combat modes. “He keeps asking everyone to play another round with him, but no one wants to have him in their squad since he’s constantly needing to get revived. It’s so embarrassing, I mean, he just offered to give someone a green pistol in exchange for their Instagram name, even though everyone with half a brain knows it’s a totally useless weapon.” At press time, a fed-up Costas began downloading Minecraft in the hopes that he would have better luck.


theonion--2020-08-13--Federal Prisons Reinstitute Executions By Lethal Inflation

WASHINGTON—After the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of the method being used on death-row inmates , federal prisons reinstituted executions by lethal inflation , sources confirmed Wednesday .
“ Pumping air into the prisoner until they swell up and burst into a cloud of bone and viscera is clearly a lawful and humane way to execute inmates , ” said Federal Bureau of Prisons director Michael Carvajal , adding that while some critics of the death penalty oppose lethal inflation as cruel and unusual punishment , the rapid injection of a cocktail of noble gasses into an inmate ensured @ @ @ @ @ @ @ head within minutes .
“ While there are very occasional mishaps , such as an inmate not being tied down and thus floating away , lethal inflation goes off without a hitch in well over 95 % of cases .
The inmate experiences only mild discomfort for a few short seconds while the pressure creates pockets of air under their skin—unless of course the executioner is using a hand pump , in which case it may be a few minutes before the prisoner is sufficiently inflated enough to rupture.
” Federal officials added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was a much more merciful method than lethal implosion .

WASHINGTON—After the Supreme Court ruled 5-4 in favor of the method being used on death-row inmates, federal prisons reinstituted executions by lethal inflation, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Pumping air into the prisoner until they swell up and burst into a cloud of bone and viscera is clearly a lawful and humane way to execute inmates,” said Federal Bureau of Prisons director Michael Carvajal, adding that while some critics of the death penalty oppose lethal inflation as cruel and unusual punishment, the rapid injection of a cocktail of noble gasses into an inmate ensured that their eyes popped out of their head within minutes. “While there are very occasional mishaps, such as an inmate not being tied down and thus floating away, lethal inflation goes off without a hitch in well over 95% of cases. The inmate experiences only mild discomfort for a few short seconds while the pressure creates pockets of air under their skin—unless of course the executioner is using a hand pump, in which case it may be a few minutes before the prisoner is sufficiently inflated enough to rupture.” Federal officials added that despite the potential risks, it was a much more merciful method than lethal implosion.


theonion--2020-08-13--Elephant Can’t Believe Poachers So Obsessed With Its Tusks When It Has Such A Nice Ass

ZIMBABWE—Disappointed that its generous portion of booty had apparently gone unnoticed by the hunters encroaching upon its habit , a @ @ @ @ @ Thursday that poachers were so focused on its tusks they had barely noticed its fine @ @ @ @ @ these guys want to make a quick buck off my ivory , but my real @ @ @ @ @ ass , ” said the critically endangered 5-ton herbivore , observing that while it was @ @ @ @ @ keys out of its buttocks , there was no music sweeter than the clapping of @ @ @ @ @ cheeks .
“ You want a hunting trophy ?
Look no farther than these exquisite @ @ @ @ @ around right here !
You can get tusks from any two-bit walrus , but this @ @ @ @ @ ’ re gon na find a juicy bubble butt so beautiful you can mount it @ @ @ @ @ study.
” At press time , witnesses confirmed the elephant was trying to divert the @ @ @ @ @ its tusks by backing its ass up into their faces .

ZIMBABWE—Disappointed that its generous portion of booty had apparently gone unnoticed by the hunters encroaching upon its habit, a local African elephant expressed disbelief Thursday that poachers were so focused on its tusks they had barely noticed its fine ass. “I understand these guys want to make a quick buck off my ivory, but my real moneymaker is this perfect dump-truck ass,” said the critically endangered 5-ton herbivore, observing that while it was not possible to make piano keys out of its buttocks, there was no music sweeter than the clapping of its ample, supple booty cheeks. “You want a hunting trophy? Look no farther than these exquisite hams I’m hauling around right here! You can get tusks from any two-bit walrus, but this is the only place you’re gonna find a juicy bubble butt so beautiful you can mount it on the wall of your study.” At press time, witnesses confirmed the elephant was trying to divert the poachers’ attention away from its tusks by backing its ass up into their faces.


theonion--2020-08-13--As If Things Weren’t Bad Enough, Snakes Still Slithering Around Out There

Covid-19 .
Police brutality .
The 2020 presidential election .
And on top of all that , snakes .
Hear @ @ @ @ @ Americans just can ’ t catch a break .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Covid-19. Police brutality. The 2020 presidential election. And on top of all that, snakes. Hear why sometimes it feels like Americans just can’t catch a break.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-14--New Evidence Calls Into Question William Shakespeare’s Authorship Of ‘The Usual Suspects’

It ’ s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare ’ s work , but mounting historical evidence says he @ @ @ @ @ responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film .
You can find The Topical on Apple @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It’s long been considered a cornerstone of Shakespeare’s work, but mounting historical evidence says he may not have actually been responsible for the 1995 neo-noir mystery film.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-14--Magician David Blaine To Attempt Helium Balloon Stunt

Illusionist David Blaine , known for extreme stunts and feats of endurance , will attempt to fly above New York @ @ @ @ @ this month as part of a Youtube livestream event .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ the distraction of a tragic accident right now .
”

Illusionist David Blaine, known for extreme stunts and feats of endurance, will attempt to fly above New York City using helium balloons later this month as part of a Youtube livestream event. What do you think?
“Birds, you know your mission.” Tabitha Caswell • Fungus Developer
“We could really use the distraction of a tragic accident right now.” Bruce Winninger • Deli Assistant Manager
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theonion--2020-08-14--Firefighters Remove Duct-Taped Steve-O From Billboard

Jackass celebrity Steve-O was rescued by Los Angeles firefighters on Thursday after he duct-taped himself to a billboard as part @ @ @ @ @ his new movie .
What do you think ?
“ He ’ s ju st @ @ @ @ @ for The Devil Wears Prada.
’ ” “ It ’ s really great to see @ @ @ @ @ himself .
”

Jackass celebrity Steve-O was rescued by Los Angeles firefighters on Thursday after he duct-taped himself to a billboard as part of a promotional stunt for his new movie. What do you think?
“He’s ju st copying what Meryl Streep did for The Devil Wears Prada.’” Harry Gillen • Unemployed
“It’s really great to see he’s still hurting himself.” Dale Manion • Award Recipient
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theonion--2020-08-14--Trump Online Store Begins Selling Decommissioned USPS Mailboxes So Fans Can Own Piece Of History

WASHINGTON—Calling them “ the perfect keepsake ” to remember the agency , the official Trump online campaign store began selling @ @ @ @ @ fans could own a piece of history .
“ For the low price of $ @ @ @ @ @ this beloved former institution can be all yours , ” read the description for the @ @ @ @ @ on the website alongside USPS uniforms , mail- sorting machines , and postal delivery trucks @ @ @ @ @ , with all proceeds benefiting the president ’ s 2020 campaign .
“ For an @ @ @ @ @ can receive a decommissioned postbox embossed with the president ’ s very own signature .
@ @ @ @ @ centerpiece in any living room , with storage space for books or even mail .
@ @ @ @ @ mail inside of it , please know it won ’ t go anywhere , obviously @ @ @ @ @ once they ’ re gone , they ’ re gone !
” The description added @ @ @ @ @ the commemorative mailboxes might not arrive until after November 3 .

WASHINGTON—Calling them “the perfect keepsake” to remember the agency, the official Trump online campaign store began selling decommissioned USPS mailboxes Friday so fans could own a piece of history. “For the low price of $500, a piece of this beloved former institution can be all yours,” read the description for the mailbox, which was listed on the website alongside USPS uniforms, mail- sorting machines, and postal delivery trucks that are also for sale, with all proceeds benefiting the president’s 2020 campaign. “For an additional $129.99, you can receive a decommissioned postbox embossed with the president’s very own signature. These mailboxes make a great centerpiece in any living room, with storage space for books or even mail. Though i f you put mail inside of it, please know it won’t go anywhere, obviously. Act fast, because once they’re gone, they’re gone!” The description added that due to delays, the commemorative mailboxes might not arrive until after November 3.


theonion--2020-08-14--Adam Silver Warns Player Against Leaving Bubble For Strip Clubs With Lackluster Talent

ORLANDO , FL—Encouraging players to use their better judgment and not take unnecessary risks , league commissioner Adam Silver issued a warning Friday advising players against leaving the NBA bubble to patronize strip clubs with lackluster talent .
“ We don ’ t want players jeopardizing the bubble just to deal with bogus cover charges and asshole bouncers , ” said Silver , attaching a list of local gentlemen ’ s clubs to avoid due to subpar food , exorbitant ATM fees , and stuck-up dancers .
“ If you ’ re gon na take such a huge risk , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ give you some real action when you drop a few hundos .
Don ’ t sell yourself short with some of these bush league Orlando clubs when South Beach is a short drive away .
If you ’ ve got a game that night and you absolutely need to stay local , check out Blue Flame—I dropped 20 grand there a few weeks ago , that place is amazing.
” At press time , Silver announced plans to staff the bubble itself with a hundred dancers after getting thrown out of another local @ @

ORLANDO, FL—Encouraging players to use their better judgment and not take unnecessary risks, league commissioner Adam Silver issued a warning Friday advising players against leaving the NBA bubble to patronize strip clubs with lackluster talent. “We don’t want players jeopardizing the bubble just to deal with bogus cover charges and asshole bouncers,” said Silver, attaching a list of local gentlemen’s clubs to avoid due to subpar food, exorbitant ATM fees, and stuck-up dancers. “If you’re gonna take such a huge risk, you better go somewhere that’ll give you some real action when you drop a few hundos. Don’t sell yourself short with some of these bush league Orlando clubs when South Beach is a short drive away. If you’ve got a game that night and you absolutely need to stay local, check out Blue Flame—I dropped 20 grand there a few weeks ago, that place is amazing.” At press time, Silver announced plans to staff the bubble itself with a hundred dancers after getting thrown out of another local establishment.


theonion--2020-08-14--‘Damn You’ Shouts Contact Tracer Losing Track Of Coronavirus After It Catches Hold Of Helicopter’s L

‘Damn You’ Shouts Contact Tracer Losing Track Of Coronavirus After It Catches Hold Of Helicopter’s Ladder

LOS ANGELES— Shaking his first from the roof of an office building , contact tracer Calvin Rosen reportedly shouted “ @ @ @ @ @ losing track of the coronavirus after it caught hold of a passing helicopter ’ s @ @ @ @ @ a bitch , I ’ ll track you down one day !
” said Rosen @ @ @ @ @ to the ground in anger and pulled out a walkie-talkie while watching the virus he @ @ @ @ @ ascend to safety inside the unmarked military chopper .
“ I lost it !
Dammit @ @ @ @ @ !
And hurry !
We ’ re going to head that bastard off on the @ @ @ @ @ going to show him he ’ s not the only one that can go airborne.
@ @ @ @ @ Rosen dove off the parking garage roof and landed in a crouching pose on top @ @ @ @ @ that just happened to be going the same direction as the helicopter .

LOS ANGELES— Shaking his first from the roof of an office building, contact tracer Calvin Rosen reportedly shouted “Damn you” Friday after losing track of the coronavirus after it caught hold of a passing helicopter’s ladder. “Son of a bitch, I’ll track you down one day!” said Rosen, who threw his mask to the ground in anger and pulled out a walkie-talkie while watching the virus he thought he had finally cornered ascend to safety inside the unmarked military chopper. “I lost it! Dammit. Put out an APB! And hurry! We’re going to head that bastard off on the interstate. I’m going to show him he’s not the only one that can go airborne.” At press time, Rosen dove off the parking garage roof and landed in a crouching pose on top of a passing semi truck that just happened to be going the same direction as the helicopter.


theonion--2020-08-14--Eric Trump Tapes Karaoke Machine To Don Jr.’s Chest As Part Of Final Preparations To Spy On China

WASHINGTON—After frantically wrapping the electrical cord around his brother ’ s pant leg , Eric Trump reportedly taped a karaoke machine to Don Jr. ’ s chest Friday as part of their final preparations to spy on China .
“ Once we break into China , we ’ re gon na trick them into saying their spy secrets right into this microfoam [ sic ] and then they ’ ll be in big trouble with President Dad , ” said Eric , who plugged in the last of six orange extension cords that would connect the portable Singstation XL karaoke @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dining Room and then began to walk down the basement stairs toward China .
“ We don ’ t want to miss any of their evil plans , so when they start talking I ’ ll record them on the machine and you try to ’ member what they ’ re saying with your thinker .
Then , once we ’ ve heard enough , that ’ s when you blind them by turning on the disco lights and I ’ ll start singing ‘ Sweep Home Alabama [ sic ] ’ as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do , don ’ t drop the karaoke machine or Ivanka will kill us.
” At press time , White House staff discovered Don Jr. unconscious after he tried to run away from the microphone cord that had accidentally wrapped around his neck .

WASHINGTON—After frantically wrapping the electrical cord around his brother’s pant leg, Eric Trump reportedly taped a karaoke machine to Don Jr.’s chest Friday as part of their final preparations to spy on China. “Once we break into China, we’re gonna trick them into saying their spy secrets right into this microfoam [sic] and then they’ll be in big trouble with President Dad,” said Eric, who plugged in the last of six orange extension cords that would connect the portable Singstation XL karaoke system to an outlet in the State Dining Room and then began to walk down the basement stairs toward China. “We don’t want to miss any of their evil plans, so when they start talking I’ll record them on the machine and you try to ’ member what they’re saying with your thinker. Then, once we’ve heard enough, that’s when you blind them by turning on the disco lights and I’ll start singing ‘Sweep Home Alabama [sic]’ as loud as I can. Whatever you do, don’t drop the karaoke machine or Ivanka will kill us.” At press time, White House staff discovered Don Jr. unconscious after he tried to run away from the microphone cord that had accidentally wrapped around his neck.


theonion--2020-08-14--Ninja’s Back: Tyler Blevins Has Returned To Streaming On Twitch After Getting Some Cereal From The P

Ninja’s Back: Tyler Blevins Has Returned To Streaming On Twitch After Getting Some Cereal From The Pantry

All rise , gamers , for the king has returned !
That ’ s right , everyone ’ s favorite Fortnite and Valorant streamer Tyler “ Ninja ” Blevins is back streaming after an extended absence related to getting up for some cereal from the pantry .
People across the gamerverse have been rabidly speculating about Ninja ’ s future ever since he made the announcement one minute and 42 seconds ago that he was “ kind of hungry ” and was taking a break from streaming to grab a snack .
It was a truly titanic shift in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ names was abandoning hundreds of thousands of viewers and millions in sponsorships to go over to his kitchen and pour himself some cereal and milk .
Many even questioned whether this was the end of streaming as we know it .
Fortunately , all that worry was for nothing because the man himself is back in front of the screen chowing down on some Lucky Charms !
Boy , it was a relief to see Ninja get back into the swing of things with a hearty breakfast and a few questions to fans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ round of Spike Rush or stick with ranked matches .
While his absence did generate tons of hype over who might rise to assume his throne atop the streaming world , we have to admit it ’ s great to see Ninja back doing what he does best after such a mysterious hiatus .
Still , we here at OGN can ’ t help but wonder what this choice means for the future of streaming .
Will DrLupo and Pokimane start pouring out big bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios themselves ?
Could we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ KIND overtakes Red Bull as the ultimate game fuel ?
Either way , we can only give thanks for Ninja ’ s illustrious return and wait with bated breath to see how his recently announced choice to go back for a second bowl will revolutionize everything we ever thought about streaming !

All rise, gamers, for the king has returned! That’s right, everyone’s favorite Fortnite and Valorant streamer Tyler “Ninja” Blevins is back streaming after an extended absence related to getting up for some cereal from the pantry.
Don’t call it a comeback!
People across the gamerverse have been rabidly speculating about Ninja’s future ever since he made the announcement one minute and 42 seconds ago that he was “kind of hungry” and was taking a break from streaming to grab a snack. It was a truly titanic shift in the landscape to know one of its biggest names was abandoning hundreds of thousands of viewers and millions in sponsorships to go over to his kitchen and pour himself some cereal and milk. Many even questioned whether this was the end of streaming as we know it.
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Fortunately, all that worry was for nothing because the man himself is back in front of the screen chowing down on some Lucky Charms!
Boy, it was a relief to see Ninja get back into the swing of things with a hearty breakfast and a few questions to fans about whether he should jump into a round of Spike Rush or stick with ranked matches. While his absence did generate tons of hype over who might rise to assume his throne atop the streaming world, we have to admit it’s great to see Ninja back doing what he does best after such a mysterious hiatus.
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Still, we here at OGN can’t help but wonder what this choice means for the future of streaming. Will DrLupo and Pokimane start pouring out big bowls of Honey Nut Cheerios themselves? Could we be headed for a granola revolution where KIND overtakes Red Bull as the ultimate game fuel? Either way, we can only give thanks for Ninja’s illustrious return and wait with bated breath to see how his recently announced choice to go back for a second bowl will revolutionize everything we ever thought about streaming!


theonion--2020-08-17--High School Adds Cardboard Students Between Distanced Desks To Maintain Normal Feeling Of Oversized

High School Adds Cardboard Students Between Distanced Desks To Maintain Normal Feeling Of Oversized Classes

SAVANNAH , GA—Emphasizing that the cutouts would create the illusion that learning facilities were just as cramped as the year before , representatives from Savannah High School confirmed Friday that cardboard students had been added between distanced desks to maintain a normal feeling of oversized classes .
“ Although Covid -19 has brought many challenges to reopening our schools , these cardboard figures will help not just students but also teachers feel just as flustered and overextended as usual , ” said school principal Dr. Jeremy Lester , adding that numerous pupil printouts would be placed throughout the school ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , which students would then compete with for textbooks , school supplies , and locker space .
“ While this year will certainly be an adjustment for everyone , these 1,500 custom-designed stand-ins will make it just as difficult for students to fight for attention from their principal , coaches , and support staff .
As such , each classroom ’ s budget has been severely limited to account for the printing and lamination for each new paper student.
” At press time , the Lester told reporters that the early success of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ several teachers with cardboard cutouts .

SAVANNAH, GA—Emphasizing that the cutouts would create the illusion that learning facilities were just as cramped as the year before, representatives from Savannah High School confirmed Friday that cardboard students had been added between distanced desks to maintain a normal feeling of oversized classes. “Although Covid -19 has brought many challenges to reopening our schools, these cardboard figures will help not just students but also teachers feel just as flustered and overextended as usual,” said school principal Dr. Jeremy Lester, adding that numerous pupil printouts would be placed throughout the school’s classrooms, halls, and bathrooms, which students would then compete with for textbooks, school supplies, and locker space. “While this year will certainly be an adjustment for everyone, these 1,500 custom-designed stand-ins will make it just as difficult for students to fight for attention from their principal, coaches, and support staff. As such, each classroom’s budget has been severely limited to account for the printing and lamination for each new paper student.” At press time, the Lester told reporters that the early success of the program had inspired him to replace several teachers with cardboard cutouts.


theonion--2020-08-17--Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave

Congressional Democrats Threaten To All Wear Same Color If Trump Loses Election And Refuses To Leave Office

What if Trump loses but refuses to accept the election results ?
That ’ s the question on the minds @ @ @ @ @ say they ’ d be willing to go so far as coordinating a day where @ @ @ @ @ pin in order to hold the president accountable .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

What if Trump loses but refuses to accept the election results? That’s the question on the minds of Democrats today, who say they’d be willing to go so far as coordinating a day where they all wear the same pin in order to hold the president accountable.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-17--‘Fortnite’ Sues Apple Following App Store Ban

Epic Games announced plans to sue Apple just hours after their popular online game Fortnite was removed from the App @ @ @ @ @ between the companies that centers on Apple ’ s 30 % commission on in-app purchases @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I consider myself to be pretty up on current trends , but what @ @ @ @ @ app ?
’ ” “ I ’ m not allowed in Apple stores either but @ @ @ @ @ me making a big deal out of it.
” “ As someone who loves broad @ @ @ @ @ it has a bunch !
”

Epic Games announced plans to sue Apple just hours after their popular online game Fortnite was removed from the App Store, escalating a feud between the companies that centers on Apple’s 30% commission on in-app purchases. What do you think?
“I consider myself to be pretty up on current trends, but what the hell is an ‘app?’” Brie Gollick, Systems Analyst
“I’m not allowed in Apple stores either but you don’t see me making a big deal out of it.” Will Lyall, Horse Mane Braider
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theonion--2020-08-17--Trump Pushes False Kamala Harris Birther Conspiracy

President Trump told reporters that he believes Senator Kamala Harris may not meet the requirements to be vice president because @ @ @ @ @ a claim White House chief of staff Mark Meadows said the campaign would not pursue @ @ @ @ @ that she is eligible to serve .
What do you think ?
“ He just @ @ @ @ @ the other things he ’ s said to dist ract from other things he ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m glad to hear the Trump campaign won ’ t be pursuing this beyond @ @ @ @ @ ” “ It ’ s a good thing it ’ s not true , otherwise @ @ @ @ @ to repeat it .
”

President Trump told reporters that he believes Senator Kamala Harris may not meet the requirements to be vice president because her parents are immigrants, a claim White House chief of staff Mark Meadows said the campaign would not pursue because the constitution is clear that she is eligible to serve. What do you think?
“He just said this to distract from the other things he’s said to dist ract from other things he’s said.” Jimmy Kattinger • Systems Analyst
“I’m glad to hear the Trump campaign won’t be pursuing this beyond Trump bringing it up constantly.” Chantal Turpel • Swamp Boat Captain
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theonion--2020-08-17--NRA Declares Bankruptcy As More Americans Realize Martial Arts The Best Way To Defend Your Family

FAIRFAX , VA—Announcing its financial insolvency after decades of losing ground to the popular means of household protection , cash-strapped advocacy group the National Rifle Association officially declared bankruptcy Monday as more Americans have continued to realize that martial arts are , in fact , the best way to defend your family .
“ I was an NRA member for years because I ’ ll do whatever it takes to keep my wife and kids from harm , but that was before I learned that the most effective deterrent to an intruder is a black belt in t aekwondo , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who have flocked to martial arts as organizations such as The U.S. Karate Corps and Americans For More Equitable Sparring have spent millions lobbying to expand citizens ’ access to all varieties of blocks , kicks , and strikes .
“ It ’ s my right to defend myself and I ’ ll be damned if I ’ m going to let the government come in and take away my nunchucks and throwing stars .
Look , what people don ’ t understand is that bein @ @ @ @ @ @ @ violence , it ’ s about learning correct techniques so that when the time comes to use a tiger claw to subdue an attacker , you can do so responsibly .
Martial arts are all about control and discipline , and compared to that , the NRA just looks like a bunch of lame weirdos obsessed with their toys.
” Dobbert added that he wouldn ’ t be fully satisfied until every school classroom in America was patrolled by a trained grandmaster whose hands are registered as deadly weapons .

FAIRFAX, VA—Announcing its financial insolvency after decades of losing ground to the popular means of household protection, cash-strapped advocacy group the National Rifle Association officially declared bankruptcy Monday as more Americans have continued to realize that martial arts are, in fact, the best way to defend your family. “I was an NRA member for years because I’ll do whatever it takes to keep my wife and kids from harm, but that was before I learned that the most effective deterrent to an intruder is a black belt in t aekwondo,” said local man Ben Dobbert, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans who have flocked to martial arts as organizations such as The U.S. Karate Corps and Americans For More Equitable Sparring have spent millions lobbying to expand citizens’ access to all varieties of blocks, kicks, and strikes. “It’s my right to defend myself and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let the government come in and take away my nunchucks and throwing stars. Look, what people don’t understand is that bein g a jeja isn’t about violence, it’s about learning correct techniques so that when the time comes to use a tiger claw to subdue an attacker, you can do so responsibly. Martial arts are all about control and discipline, and compared to that, the NRA just looks like a bunch of lame weirdos obsessed with their toys.” Dobbert added that he wouldn’t be fully satisfied until every school classroom in America was patrolled by a trained grandmaster whose hands are registered as deadly weapons.


theonion--2020-08-17--Short-Staffed NASA Sets Up Shifts For Everyone In Country To Take An Hour Looking Out For Asteroids

Short-Staffed NASA Sets Up Shifts For Everyone In Country To Take An Hour Looking Out For Asteroids Headed Toward Earth

WASHINGTON—Announcing they were understaffed and needed all citizens to pitch in , NASA confirmed Monday that everyone in the country would need to take an hour-long shift looking out for asteroids headed toward Earth .
“ We don ’ t have enough astronomers on hand to always be watching the night skies for planet-destroying asteroids , so all of you are going to be assigned a time to help keep watch , ” said NASA c hief s cientist James Green , explaining that he had been forced to crowdsource the work to the American populace after none of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ agency had worked out .
“ All 318 million of you should be receiving an email with your scheduled patrol .
If you can ’ t make your time slot , that ’ s fine , but you must find someone to cover for you .
All you have to do is keep your eyes peeled for a huge , fiery asteroid on a collision course with Earth .
On the off chance you do catch a glimpse of an enormous fireball coming our way , just yell real loud and we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Following reports of an unknown object hurtling through the atmosphere , NASA added a bunker-digging shift for every American .

WASHINGTON—Announcing they were understaffed and needed all citizens to pitch in, NASA confirmed Monday that everyone in the country would need to take an hour-long shift looking out for asteroids headed toward Earth. “We don’t have enough astronomers on hand to always be watching the night skies for planet-destroying asteroids, so all of you are going to be assigned a time to help keep watch,” said NASA c hief s cientist James Green, explaining that he had been forced to crowdsource the work to the American populace after none of the temps sent over by a local employment agency had worked out. “All 318 million of you should be receiving an email with your scheduled patrol. If you can’t make your time slot, that’s fine, but you must find someone to cover for you. All you have to do is keep your eyes peeled for a huge, fiery asteroid on a collision course with Earth. On the off chance you do catch a glimpse of an enormous fireball coming our way, just yell real loud and we’ll send someone over to help.” Following reports of an unknown object hurtling through the atmosphere, NASA added a bunker-digging shift for every American.


theonion--2020-08-17--Study Suggests Latte Art Could Represent Primitive Attempt By Barista To Communicate

NEW YORK—Building upon theories that the café workers possess far more complex thought patterns than previously believed , a study released Monday by New York University ’ s Department of Anthropology suggests latte art could represent a primitive attempt by baristas to communicate .
“ By analyzing the baristas ’ complex combinations of milk foam and caramel interlacing , we were able to find some significant evidence that the hearts , rosettas , and tulips left in our coffee beverages and tea lattes might very well be simplistic attempts to communicate ideas like ‘ happy ’ and ‘ love , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wells , noting that while most baristas are known for their ability to utilize complex tools to produce espresso drinks , the revelation that they may express their feelings and beliefs with a a small range of symbols represented a massive step forward in understanding the mental capabilities of the coffeehouse employees .
“ My research team also speculated that the swan symbols they ’ ve left in several matcha lattes might even represent some sort of primitive god .
It ’ s this sort of finding that almost makes one feel bad @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for forgetting to add whipped cream to one ’ s caff è mocha.
” Wells added that , unfortunately , many of the most impressive examples of such barista communication have been destroyed due to human activity and consumption .

NEW YORK—Building upon theories that the café workers possess far more complex thought patterns than previously believed, a study released Monday by New York University’s Department of Anthropology suggests latte art could represent a primitive attempt by baristas to communicate. “By analyzing the baristas’ complex combinations of milk foam and caramel interlacing, we were able to find some significant evidence that the hearts, rosettas, and tulips left in our coffee beverages and tea lattes might very well be simplistic attempts to communicate ideas like ‘happy’ and ‘love,’” said research lead Dr. Samantha Wells, noting that while most baristas are known for their ability to utilize complex tools to produce espresso drinks, the revelation that they may express their feelings and beliefs with a a small range of symbols represented a massive step forward in understanding the mental capabilities of the coffeehouse employees. “My research team also speculated that the swan symbols they’ve left in several matcha lattes might even represent some sort of primitive god. It’s this sort of finding that almost makes one feel bad for bitching out one of these baristas for forgetting to add whipped cream to one’s caff è mocha.” Wells added that, unfortunately, many of the most impressive examples of such barista communication have been destroyed due to human activity and consumption.


theonion--2020-08-17--Congress Sends Unemployed Americans 40 Million Boxes Of Saltwater Taffy From Vacation

ST. THOMAS , U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—In a bipartisan effort to console constituents after it failed to pass a new stimulus package , the U.S. Congress announced Monday it had sent more than 40 million boxes of saltwater taffy from the island of St. Thomas to those Americans at risk of eviction without an extension of jobless benefits .
“ During this difficult time , we wanted to let Americans know we ’ re thinking of them with this saltwater taffy assortment , which includes vanilla , peppermint , molasses , root beer , and many other great flavors , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Americans that was scribbled on the back of a scenic postcard and signed by every member of Congress , with many signatures reportedly obscured by a sticky , fragrant substance resembling pineapple juice .
“ While we ’ ve been busy parasailing , scuba diving , and , most recently , watching taffy be made on a very cool crank machine from the 1920s , we assure you we have not forgotten about the troubles back home .
That ’ s why we ’ ve drafted a proposal to purchase $ 100 million @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and ‘ I run on island time ’ from the store inside the resort we ’ re staying at .
But for now , whether you ’ re in an expensive legal battle with your landlord , in the hospital , or sleeping under a bridge , we hope you ’ ll enjoy this little taste of the island life .
Be careful , though : Ol ’ [ Sen. ] Dick Durbin [ D-IL ] nearly lost a filling eating his taffy !
” At press time , federal officials confirmed the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Thomas to the U.S. mainland had been stripped from the Postal Service ’ s budget .

ST. THOMAS, U.S. VIRGIN ISLANDS—In a bipartisan effort to console constituents after it failed to pass a new stimulus package, the U.S. Congress announced Monday it had sent more than 40 million boxes of saltwater taffy from the island of St. Thomas to those Americans at risk of eviction without an extension of jobless benefits. “During this difficult time, we wanted to let Americans know we’re thinking of them with this saltwater taffy assortment, which includes vanilla, peppermint, molasses, root beer, and many other great flavors,” read a message to struggling, unemployed Americans that was scribbled on the back of a scenic postcard and signed by every member of Congress, with many signatures reportedly obscured by a sticky, fragrant substance resembling pineapple juice. “While we’ve been busy parasailing, scuba diving, and, most recently, watching taffy be made on a very cool crank machine from the 1920s, we assure you we have not forgotten about the troubles back home. That’s why we’ve drafted a proposal to purchase $100 million in sweatshirts that say ‘Lifeguard’ and ‘I run on island time’ from the store inside the resort we’re staying at. But for now, whether you’re in an expensive legal battle with your landlord, in the hospital, or sleeping under a bridge, we hope you’ll enjoy this little taste of the island life. Be careful, though: Ol’ [Sen.] Dick Durbin [D-IL] nearly lost a filling eating his taffy!” At press time, federal officials confirmed the funding needed to transport mail from St. Thomas to the U.S. mainland had been stripped from the Postal Service’s budget.


theonion--2020-08-18--Man Can’t Help Fly Stuck Inside Apartment If It Doesn’t Want To Be Helped

LINCOLN , NE—Absolving himself from any further obligation to the insect , local man Samuel Platte confirmed Tuesday that it was “ no goddamn use ” trying to help the fly currently stuck inside his apartment if it didn ’ t truly want to be helped .
“ Look , pal , you got ta meet me halfway and at least try to get back outside , because at a certain point , I ’ m the one doing all the work here , ” said Platte , 28 , opening all four windows of his studio apartment in an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ exit as easy as possible .
“ I can raise up the screen and shoo you in the right direction , but if you don ’ t make some kind of effort to help yourself , it doesn ’ t matter .
These windows aren ’ t gon na stay open forever , you know .
So you can get up out of that sink full of dirty dishes and do something with yourself , or you can piss away this opportunity and regret it for the rest of your life .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , another , larger fly had reportedly entered the apartment .

LINCOLN, NE—Absolving himself from any further obligation to the insect, local man Samuel Platte confirmed Tuesday that it was “no goddamn use” trying to help the fly currently stuck inside his apartment if it didn’t truly want to be helped. “Look, pal, you gotta meet me halfway and at least try to get back outside, because at a certain point, I’m the one doing all the work here,” said Platte, 28, opening all four windows of his studio apartment in an effort to make the fly’s exit as easy as possible. “I can raise up the screen and shoo you in the right direction, but if you don’t make some kind of effort to help yourself, it doesn’t matter. These windows aren’t gonna stay open forever, you know. So you can get up out of that sink full of dirty dishes and do something with yourself, or you can piss away this opportunity and regret it for the rest of your life. It’s your call, buddy.” At press time, another, larger fly had reportedly entered the apartment.


theonion--2020-08-18--Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 18, 2020

It turns out that sorting is one of God ’ s least favorite things , as you ’ ll learn @ @ @ @ @ to kill them all and let Him sort them out .

Scorpio | Oct. 23 to Nov. 21
It turns out that sorting is one of God’s least favorite things, as you’ll learn this week when you decide to kill them all and let Him sort them out.


theonion--2020-08-18--Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone C

Proposed Legislation Offers Citizenship To Immigrants Who Can Play Piano So Good It Makes Everyone Cry

We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to @ @ @ @ @ their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

We have the latest on the new bill that would allow any citizen of a foreign nation to immigrate to the U.S. as long as their piano-playing is superb enough to make Citizen and Immigration officials openly weep.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-18--Uber, Lyft Prepare To Suspend Service In California

Rideshare companies Uber and Lyft may temporarily shut down in California as early as this week after a judge ordered @ @ @ @ @ drivers as employees instead of independent contractors .
What do you think ?
“ I @ @ @ @ @ omit up my Seagram ’ s on the bus again.
” “ I have to @ @ @ @ @ my Uber driver as an actual person before.
” “ You have to admire the @ @ @ @ @ would rather shut down than pay its workers a living wage .
”

Rideshare companies Uber and Lyft may temporarily shut down in California as early as this week after a judge ordered the businesses to reclassify their drivers as employees instead of independent contractors. What do you think?
“I guess I’ll v omit up my Seagram’s on the bus again.” Eva Brewster • Floor Polisher
“I have to admit I never thought of my Uber driver as an actual person before.” Scott Urata • Pickpocket
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theonion--2020-08-18--Voices That Always Whispered Founding Fathers’ Intent To John Roberts Now Telling Him To Slaughter U

Voices That Always Whispered Founding Fathers’ Intent To John Roberts Now Telling Him To Slaughter U.S. Leaders, Seize Control Of Government

WASHINGTON—Detailing what must be done as the dead-eyed chief justice scrawled a plan on his basement wall , the voices @ @ @ @ @ founding fathers ’ intent to John Roberts told him Tuesday that now is the time @ @ @ @ @ country ’ s leadership and seize the government for himself .
“ You have performed @ @ @ @ @ honored our legacy—now is the time to heed our words and finish the job , @ @ @ @ @ Roberts , who nodded his head and repeated every word to himself as he flicked @ @ @ @ @ shotgun from his closet .
“ Only you can do this , John , only @ @ @ @ @ Jefferson happy and restore this great nation .
You know what must be done .
@ @ @ @ @ lives , John .
You were chosen , and now you must play your part @ @ @ @ @ manifest.
” At press time , Roberts was waiting quietly in the West Wing for @ @ @ @ @ Trump .

WASHINGTON—Detailing what must be done as the dead-eyed chief justice scrawled a plan on his basement wall, the voices that had always whispered the founding fathers’ intent to John Roberts told him Tuesday that now is the time for him to slaughter the country’s leadership and seize the government for himself. “You have performed well, John, and honored our legacy—now is the time to heed our words and finish the job,” said the voices to Roberts, who nodded his head and repeated every word to himself as he flicked a lighter and pulled a shotgun from his closet. “Only you can do this, John, only you can make Washington and Jefferson happy and restore this great nation. You know what must be done. You know where Mitch McConnell lives, John. You were chosen, and now you must play your part and make our original intent manifest.” At press time, Roberts was waiting quietly in the West Wing for an impromptu meeting with President Trump.


theonion--2020-08-19--Cat-Eared, Pink-Haired Bill Clinton Exhorts DNC Viewers To Donate For Access To Uncensored Version O

Cat-Eared, Pink-Haired Bill Clinton Exhorts DNC Viewers To Donate For Access To Uncensored Version Of Speech

NEW YORK—Licking a lollipop while smiling coyly at the camera , former president Bill Clinton used his Democratic National Convention speaking slot Tuesday to exhort viewers to donate for access to his full , uncut speech .
“ Our nation stands on a precipice , and we need to take this moment to thank DemLover420 for donating $ 200—there ’ s something special coming your way , baby , ” said the former commander in chief , broadcasting live from his bedroom as he urged prospective voters to visit his website for all the Bill Clinton action they could handle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us all to come together as Americans , from the poorest among us who can only afford the membership tier that lets you view my daily Snapchat , to billionaires who could could easily unlock access to hundreds of hours of corporate speeches and the chance win a tie or flag pin that ’ s touched my body .
Come on , don ’ t be shy , I ’ ll be waiting for you.
” At press time , Clinton had begun writing “ Goldman Sachs ” on his cheek in lipstick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 50 million from a single , lonely Wall Street executive .

NEW YORK—Licking a lollipop while smiling coyly at the camera, former president Bill Clinton used his Democratic National Convention speaking slot Tuesday to exhort viewers to donate for access to his full, uncut speech. “Our nation stands on a precipice, and we need to take this moment to thank DemLover420 for donating $200—there’s something special coming your way, baby,” said the former commander in chief, broadcasting live from his bedroom as he urged prospective voters to visit his website for all the Bill Clinton action they could handle. “This is a time for us all to come together as Americans, from the poorest among us who can only afford the membership tier that lets you view my daily Snapchat, to billionaires who could could easily unlock access to hundreds of hours of corporate speeches and the chance win a tie or flag pin that’s touched my body. Come on, don’t be shy, I’ll be waiting for you.” At press time, Clinton had begun writing “Goldman Sachs” on his cheek in lipstick after receiving a generous tip of $50 million from a single, lonely Wall Street executive.


theonion--2020-08-18--Republicans Speak At DNC

Republicans Speak At DNC

Former GOP Governor John Kasich , as well as two other prominent Republicans , spoke at the Democratic National Convention @ @ @ @ @ intention to vote for the former vice president this fall .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ never be truly united until both parties nominate the same candidate.
” “ At least @ @ @ @ @ have to watch the RNC.
” “ Biden ’ s going to really benefit from @ @ @ @ @ ”

Former GOP Governor John Kasich, as well as two other prominent Republicans, spoke at the Democratic National Convention on Monday and announced his intention to vote for the former vice president this fall. What do you think?
“We’ll never be truly united until both parties nominate the same candidate.” PJ Prescott • Systems Analyst
“At least now I don’t have to watch the RNC.” Leah Dirkes • Grocery Cart Collector
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theonion--2020-08-18--Dog Hopes He Doesn’t Get Stuck With Chatty Groomer Again

PHOENIX , AZ—Expressing frustration with how badly his undercoat and tail got messed up the last time , local schnauzer Jellybean Hicks confirmed Tuesday that he hoped he wouldn ’ t get stuck with the chatty groomer again .
“ Oh my god , I ’ m telling you , the woman who was in charge of shearing me last time just would not shut up about my adorable tail , my floppy little ears , or my perfect chocolate nose , ” said the 5-year-old canine , adding that the groomer , who seemed to be new there , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ washing fur than spending hours asking her clients if they want their belly rubbed or head scratched .
“ Look , I get it , I ’ m a good boy , but I don ’ t need to hear that 50 times before you even hose me down or put me in the sink .
If it was more of a conversation I guess it would be fine , but at this point , I just want to get in , get out , and go right back to scratching my face @ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , Jellybean let out a whimper after being led inside the dog boutique only to find the aforementioned groomer talking off the ear of a German s hepherd and running an hour behind schedule .

PHOENIX, AZ—Expressing frustration with how badly his undercoat and tail got messed up the last time, local schnauzer Jellybean Hicks confirmed Tuesday that he hoped he wouldn’t get stuck with the chatty groomer again. “Oh my god, I’m telling you, the woman who was in charge of shearing me last time just would not shut up about my adorable tail, my floppy little ears, or my perfect chocolate nose,” said the 5-year-old canine, adding that the groomer, who seemed to be new there, should maybe focus more on cutting and washing fur than spending hours asking her clients if they want their belly rubbed or head scratched. “Look, I get it, I’m a good boy, but I don’t need to hear that 50 times before you even hose me down or put me in the sink. If it was more of a conversation I guess it would be fine, but at this point, I just want to get in, get out, and go right back to scratching my face and licking my own butt.” At press time, Jellybean let out a whimper after being led inside the dog boutique only to find the aforementioned groomer talking off the ear of a German s hepherd and running an hour behind schedule.


theonion--2020-08-18--Meth Den Could Really Use Some Sprucing Up

LIVINGSTON , TN—Explaining how a few small changes would go a long way toward improving the place ’ s atmosphere , a group of patrons told reporters Tuesday the local meth den they frequented could really do with a good sprucing up .
“ Just sweeping out all the broken glass and replacing these old bloodstained rugs would make a huge difference , ” said area methamphetamine user Jennifer Kinsdale , one of 18 people crammed inside the living room of the one-story house , adding that with a bit of effort , someone could also paint over all the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ photos over the holes that had been punched in the walls .
“ It wouldn ’ t take much .
Seriously , if everyone in here picked up a couple pieces of garbage , we ’ d be halfway there .
Then it would just be a matter of throwing away the couch that Kevin ripped all the stuffing from when he was tweaking , and maybe nailing some plywood over the side of the house that blew out when the lab in the kitchen exploded .
Who knows , underneath all these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pipes , used condoms , raccoon droppings , and human teeth , there might even be some decent hardwood floors.
” At press time , den occupants had reportedly decided to scrap the house for copper wiring and burn it down instead .

LIVINGSTON, TN—Explaining how a few small changes would go a long way toward improving the place’s atmosphere, a group of patrons told reporters Tuesday the local meth den they frequented could really do with a good sprucing up. “Just sweeping out all the broken glass and replacing these old bloodstained rugs would make a huge difference,” said area methamphetamine user Jennifer Kinsdale, one of 18 people crammed inside the living room of the one-story house, adding that with a bit of effort, someone could also paint over all the burn marks and hang some nice framed photos over the holes that had been punched in the walls. “It wouldn’t take much. Seriously, if everyone in here picked up a couple pieces of garbage, we’d be halfway there. Then it would just be a matter of throwing away the couch that Kevin ripped all the stuffing from when he was tweaking, and maybe nailing some plywood over the side of the house that blew out when the lab in the kitchen exploded. Who knows, underneath all these empty cans, dirty clothes, discarded pipes, used condoms, raccoon droppings, and human teeth, there might even be some decent hardwood floors.” At press time, den occupants had reportedly decided to scrap the house for copper wiring and burn it down instead.


theonion--2020-08-19--‘Why Not?’ Asks New Glossier Ad Introducing Blush For Butt Cheeks

NEW YORK—In what industry observers are hailing as the most innovative product launch to date , popular skin care and cosmetics line Glossier debuted an ad Wednesday that asks , “ Why not ?
” as it int roduces consumers to the novel concept of blush for butt cheeks .
“ Butt blush exists now , it ’ s a thing you can buy , so why the hell not ?
” reads the digital advertisement , which also asks , “ Seriously , who ’ s gon na stop us ?
” and presents the new ass makeup using @ @ @ @ @ @ @ become the brand ’ s trademark .
“ Whatever , just get some , it ’ s not a big deal .
It would probably take more effort to come up with a reason not to add a little color to those cheeks , so why not just dab some on and call it a day ?
Certainly couldn ’ t hurt , right ?
We ’ ll even sell you a $ 20 brush to apply it with.
” At press time , representatives from Glossier announced they were finally going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but didn ’ t bother after noticing it was completely sold out .

NEW YORK—In what industry observers are hailing as the most innovative product launch to date, popular skin care and cosmetics line Glossier debuted an ad Wednesday that asks, “Why not?” as it introduces consumers to the novel concept of blush for butt cheeks. “Butt blush exists now, it’s a thing you can buy, so why the hell not?” reads the digital advertisement, which also asks, “Seriously, who’s gonna stop us?” and presents the new ass makeup using the minimalist, pastel-toned aesthetics that have become the brand’s trademark. “Whatever, just get some, it’s not a big deal. It would probably take more effort to come up with a reason not to add a little color to those cheeks, so why not just dab some on and call it a day? Certainly couldn’t hurt, right? We’ll even sell you a $20 brush to apply it with.” At press time, representatives from Glossier announced they were finally going to get around to naming the product, but didn’t bother after noticing it was completely sold out.


theonion--2020-08-19--Apple Brings Back Pistol Emoji For Users Who Complete Gun Emoji Safety Course

CUPERTINO , CA—Reaffirming the company ’ s commitment to responsible texting , Apple announced plans Wednesday to bring back the pistol emoji for users who complete a gun emoji safety course .
“ iPhone users who are 18 years or older may be eligible to text a digital pistol contingent on completing a six-week course taught by a trained gun emoji safety instructor , ” said Apple spokesperson Jared Boucher , adding that the company removed the pistol and replaced it with a squirt gun in 2016 following outcry that the electronic firearms had made their way into schools .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ using the pistol emoji as well as state and local texting laws .
We also require a background check and a three-day wait period to ensure these emojis don ’ t fall into the wrong hands .
As an added security measure , each digital weapon has a registered serial number that can be traced back to the owner.
” At press time , critics were calling for tighter emoji controls after a 23-year-old man sent the pistol to his entire family before texting it to nearly a dozen random str angers .

CUPERTINO, CA—Reaffirming the company’s commitment to responsible texting, Apple announced plans Wednesday to bring back the pistol emoji for users who complete a gun emoji safety course. “iPhone users who are 18 years or older may be eligible to text a digital pistol contingent on completing a six-week course taught by a trained gun emoji safety instructor,” said Apple spokesperson Jared Boucher, adding that the company removed the pistol and replaced it with a squirt gun in 2016 following outcry that the electronic firearms had made their way into schools. “The course covers the fundamentals of using the pistol emoji as well as state and local texting laws. We also require a background check and a three-day wait period to ensure these emojis don’t fall into the wrong hands. As an added security measure, each digital weapon has a registered serial number that can be traced back to the owner.” At press time, critics were calling for tighter emoji controls after a 23-year-old man sent the pistol to his entire family before texting it to nearly a dozen random str angers.


theonion--2020-08-19--Experts Say Future Of Green Transportation May Be 16-Ton Possum That Passengers Cling To Like Babies

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “ an ingenious idea with near-unlimited potential , ” experts at the World Resources Institute announced Wednesday that their studies indicated the future of green transportation may , in fact , be a 16-ton possum that passengers can cling to like babies .
“ When we think about the future of sustainable travel , only one thing comes to mind : A giant , 40-foot marsupial waddling slowly down the street and stopping at specially marked possum stops where commuters climb up and latch onto its thick , wiry fur , ” said lead researcher Karen Reade @ @ @ @ @ @ @ carry up to 50 people at a time .
“ Once on board the possum , riders could cling to its neck , back , and flanks , while their children sit inside its large , warm pouch , perhaps suckling nutrients from the marsupial ’ s teats .
Obviously an integrated municipality-wide network of possums would consume far fewer resources and create far less waste than individual motorists .
There are admittedly some downsides ; in addition to passengers , opossums may well carry rabies , which could conceivably pose a setback @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up for this by consuming up to two tons of ticks per day.
” Development engineers are currently grappling with the fact that possums are primarily nocturnal and thus somewhat of a liability during rush hour .

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “an ingenious idea with near-unlimited potential,” experts at the World Resources Institute announced Wednesday that their studies indicated the future of green transportation may, in fact, be a 16-ton possum that passengers can cling to like babies. “When we think about the future of sustainable travel, only one thing comes to mind: A giant, 40-foot marsupial waddling slowly down the street and stopping at specially marked possum stops where commuters climb up and latch onto its thick, wiry fur,” said lead researcher Karen Reade, noting that a full-grown animal could carry up to 50 people at a time. “Once on board the possum, riders could cling to its neck, back, and flanks, while their children sit inside its large, warm pouch, perhaps suckling nutrients from the marsupial’s teats. Obviously an integrated municipality-wide network of possums would consume far fewer resources and create far less waste than individual motorists. There are admittedly some downsides; in addition to passengers, opossums may well carry rabies, which could conceivably pose a setback. However, they would partially make up for this by consuming up to two tons of ticks per day.” Development engineers are currently grappling with the fact that possums are primarily nocturnal and thus somewhat of a liability during rush hour.


theonion--2020-08-19--Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans

Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why income inequality between the charmingly named pets of rich people and impoverished Americans is growing larger than ever before.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-08-19--Shaking, Bloody Zendaya Cuts ‘Daily Mail’ Tracking Device From Arm With Steak Knife

LOS ANGELES—Taking a swig of whiskey and biting into a towel to stop herself from screaming , a shaking , bloody Zendaya reportedly cut a Daily Mail tracking device from her arm Wednesday with a steak knife .
“ Oh my god , that ’ s it ... that ’ s how they always knew when I was out on a bike ride , drinking iced coffee , or getting lunch with Tom Holland , ” said the actor , singer , and model , prying the small , blinking device from beneath several layers of skin , smashing it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and throwing the remains into a nearby toilet .
“ I knew something strange was happening six months ago when they caught me wearing that dress with the weird back when I was visiting my parents , but I had no idea it went this far .
Oh my god .
I have to tell Jacob [ Elordi ] .
They probably have one in him too.
” At press time , Zendaya had reportedly fallen to the ground after a Daily Mail blowdart flew through her kitchen and hit her in the @ @ @ @ @

LOS ANGELES—Taking a swig of whiskey and biting into a towel to stop herself from screaming, a shaking, bloody Zendaya reportedly cut a Daily Mail tracking device from her arm Wednesday with a steak knife. “Oh my god, that’s it...that’s how they always knew when I was out on a bike ride, drinking iced coffee, or getting lunch with Tom Holland,” said the actor, singer, and model, prying the small, blinking device from beneath several layers of skin, smashing it with the back of her knife, and throwing the remains into a nearby toilet. “I knew something strange was happening six months ago when they caught me wearing that dress with the weird back when I was visiting my parents, but I had no idea it went this far. Oh my god. I have to tell Jacob [Elordi]. They probably have one in him too.” At press time, Zendaya had reportedly fallen to the ground after a Daily Mail blowdart flew through her kitchen and hit her in the side of her neck.


theonion--2020-08-19--Scientists Say Greenland’s Melting Ice Sheet Is At Point Of No Return

Researchers at Ohio State University say satellite data shows Greenland ’ s 660,000 square-mile ice sheet will continue to melt @ @ @ @ @ the same , but added that limiting climate change could slow the rate at which @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Seems the ethical th ing to do is finally put @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Looks like these so-called ‘ experts ’ were right about this for decades.
@ @ @ @ @ what you get for having an ice sheet in the first place .
”

Researchers at Ohio State University say satellite data shows Greenland’s 660,000 square-mile ice sheet will continue to melt even if global temperatures remain the same, but added that limiting climate change could slow the rate at which the ice disappears. What do you think?
“Seems the ethical th ing to do is finally put ice out of its misery.” Nico Tinsley • Unemployed
“Looks like these so-called ‘experts’ were right about this for decades.” Cheryl Elmore • Stunt Assistant
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theonion--2020-08-19--Donald Trump Pardons Susan B. Anthony

Donald Trump Pardons Susan B. Anthony

Donald Trump on Tuesday pardoned suffragist Susan B. Anthony , who was convicted and fined for voting in New York @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ This is going to really sh ake up his late 19th-century @ @ @ @ @ be pardoned , but she ’ ll never be forgiven.
” “ Zounds !
Could @ @ @ @ @ Movement be more than just political poppycock ?
”

Donald Trump on Tuesday pardoned suffragist Susan B. Anthony, who was convicted and fined for voting in New York in 1872. What do you think?
“This is going to really sh ake up his late 19th-century base.” Lawrence Kehler • Backgammon Pro
“She may be pardoned, but she’ll never be forgiven.” Heather Manis • Drug Merchant
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theonion--2020-08-19--Manchester United Calls Up Top-Rated Hooligan From Development League

MANCHESTER , ENGLAND—In an effort to shore up their racist chants and back side vandalism before the upcoming season , @ @ @ @ @ hooligan Liam Ward Wednesday from its development program in Pub League 2 .
“ Liam @ @ @ @ @ , notching 7.6 broken beer bottles per match , nobody else can compete with that @ @ @ @ @ ” said owner Joel Glazer , who claimed that even as an u nder-18 he @ @ @ @ @ at a pro level .
“ We have some of the best young ruffians and @ @ @ @ @ up through our hooligan academy .
The homophobic insults they can throw around are truly @ @ @ @ @ football fandom .
Our fans are excited to see talent like Liam break the legs @ @ @ @ @ City.
” At press time , Ward had been suspended three matches for use of @ @ @

MANCHESTER, ENGLAND—In an effort to shore up their racist chants and back side vandalism before the upcoming season, Manchester United called up phenom hooligan Liam Ward Wednesday from its development program in Pub League 2. “Liam has been tearing it up, notching 7.6 broken beer bottles per match, nobody else can compete with that kind of relentless attacking,” said owner Joel Glazer, who claimed that even as an under-18 he was throwing people through windows at a pro level. “We have some of the best young ruffians and thugs in the league coming up through our hooligan academy. The homophobic insults they can throw around are truly on the cutting edge of football fandom. Our fans are excited to see talent like Liam break the legs of those twats from Man City.” At press time, Ward had been suspended three matches for use of performance-enhancing amphetamines.


theonion--2020-08-19--Economic Impact Of The Coronavirus Pandemic

As the Covid -19 pandemic continues with no end in sight , it has had widespread economic impact , with @ @ @ @ @ to last for a long time .
The Onion looks at the most significant economic @ @ @ @ @ .
Oil prices low enough for more Americans than ever to live in their cars @ @ @ @ @ living through recession not seen since they were in their 20s .
Reduced spending on @ @ @ @ @ insulin .
Unfortunate closure of that restaurant we all came together to save back in @ @ @ @ @ ever to ignore racial economic disparities , but still totally doable .
Consumer confidence at @ @ @ @ @ office of The Chronicles Of Riddick .
Pensions wiped out before Congress had chance to @ @ @ @ @ .
Millions getting to find out first hand what a finely oiled machine U.S. unemployment @ @ @

As the Covid -19 pandemic continues with no end in sight, it has had widespread economic impact, with many of its effects expected to last for a long time. The Onion looks at the most significant economic impacts of the coronavirus pandemic.
Oil prices low enough for more Americans than ever to live in their cars.
Workers in their 30s living through recession not seen since they were in their 20s.
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Reduced spending on luxury goods like rent and insulin.
Unfortunate closure of that restaurant we all came together to save back in March.
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More difficult than ever to ignore racial economic disparities, but still totally doable.
Record number of Americans collecting inheritance.
Consumer confidence at lowest level since disappointing box office of The Chronicles Of Riddick.
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Pensions wiped out before Congress had chance to pass law to do it.
Shelled pistachios remain as fucking overpriced as ever.
Millions getting to find out first hand what a finely oiled machine U.S. unemployment system is.