theonion--2020-03-30--Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic

OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home .
But that won ’ t stop host Leslie Price from @ @ @ @ @ ’ s top stories , including why the Son of God ’ s triumphant second @ @ @ @ @ .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in @ @ @ @ @ Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code @ @ @ @ @ will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , @ @ @ @ @ environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

OPR is sheltering in place and podcasting from home. But that won’t stop host Leslie Price from bringing you all the day’s top stories, including why the Son of God’s triumphant second coming may be suspended indefinitely.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-30--‘What Is This Strange Sensation,’ Announces Nation Putting On Shoes For First Time In A While

CHICAGO—With confusion descending upon the U.S. populace as it struggled to grasp what was happening to their bodies , a largely quarantined nation announced , “ What is this strange sensation , ” Monday after slipping on shoes for the first time in a while to step outside for some fresh air .
“ It ’ s such a weird feeling , almost as if someone were holding my foot in a firm , supportive grasp , ” said Schaumburg , IL native Jared Flakne , who , like millions of other Americans , appeared perplexed as he pulled his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was anything inside them that might be responsible for the extraordinary sensory experience .
“ I shook them out , but nope , it ’ s just my feet in there .
I can ’ t make sense of it .
They feel so alien , and yet…and yet not entirely unfamiliar , either .
I ’ m definitely getting a kind of weird déjà vu about this whole situation.
” At press time , sources confirmed the nation had taken a few tentative , wobbly steps toward the door before tripping over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

CHICAGO—With confusion descending upon the U.S. populace as it struggled to grasp what was happening to their bodies, a largely quarantined nation announced, “What is this strange sensation,” Monday after slipping on shoes for the first time in a while to step outside for some fresh air. “It’s such a weird feeling, almost as if someone were holding my foot in a firm, supportive grasp,” said Schaumburg, IL native Jared Flakne, who, like millions of other Americans, appeared perplexed as he pulled his shoes back off to see if there was anything inside them that might be responsible for the extraordinary sensory experience. “I shook them out, but nope, it’s just my feet in there. I can’t make sense of it. They feel so alien, and yet…and yet not entirely unfamiliar, either. I’m definitely getting a kind of weird déjà vu about this whole situation.” At press time, sources confirmed the nation had taken a few tentative, wobbly steps toward the door before tripping over untied laces and falling on their faces.


theonion--2020-03-31--Van Gogh Painting Stolen On Painter’s 167th Birthday

An early Van Gogh piece , titled The Parsonage Garden At Nuenen In Spring , was the only painting stolen @ @ @ @ @ an overnight burglary on March 30th , which coincidentally would have been the artist ’ @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe it was @ @ @ @ @ , too ?
” “ If we ’ re not taking advantage of the current @ @ @ @ @ outbreak even for ?
”

An early Van Gogh piece, titled The Parsonage Garden At Nuenen In Spring, was the only painting stolen from a Dutch museum during an overnight burglary on March 30th, which coincidentally would have been the artist’s 167th birthday. What do you think?
“Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe it was the thief’s birthday, too?” Taylor Khoury • Pencil Machinist
“If we’re not taking advantage of the current lawlessness, what was the outbreak even for?” Manny Rosenblat • Mayo Bottler
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theonion--2020-03-31--12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens

12 Xtreme Slides Just For Teens

Here ’ s the dopest news of all for us teens : It ’ s totes normal to feel upset @ @ @ @ @ time , but if feelings of depression or harmful thoughts persist , you should know @ @ @ @ @ .
You ’ re not alone—there are a ton of chill people and resources out @ @ @ @ @ to feeling like you .
Teen depression is real , but it ’ s treatable @ @ @ @ @ beat it .
w00t !
I ’ m outsies !

Here’s the dopest news of all for us teens: It’s totes normal to feel upset and frustrated from time to time, but if feelings of depression or harmful thoughts persist, you should know that there’s help. You’re not alone—there are a ton of chill people and resources out there to get you back to feeling like you. Teen depression is real, but it’s treatable, and together we can beat it. w00t! I’m outsies!


theonion--2020-03-31--CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY TWO: Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closures Of All Orifices

Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected .
The Topical is @ @ @ @ @ the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the @ @ @ @ @ Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ @ @ @ @ @ send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear how those in and around the rim of the adult film industry will be affected.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-31--Perseverance Rover Will Carry Essays, List Of Names To Mars

The Perseverance Rover will bring along a microchip etched with 10.9 million names and over 150 essays on its journey @ @ @ @ @ it launches this summer , all part of NASA ’ s “ Send Your Name @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Is it a good idea to let extraterrestrials know @ @ @ @ @ nerds we are ?
” “ So when will I get Mars ’ s feedback @ @ @ @ @

The Perseverance Rover will bring along a microchip etched with 10.9 million names and over 150 essays on its journey to the Red Planet when it launches this summer, all part of NASA’s “Send Your Name To Mars” campaign. What do you think?
“Is it a good idea to let extraterrestrials know what a bunch of fucking nerds we are?” Tucker Ferland • Systems Analyst
“So when will I get Mars’s feedback on my essay?” Darcy Holt • Shoe Resole Specialist
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theonion--2020-03-31--Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Ar

Trump Tackles Medical Supply Shortage By Awarding ExxonMobil Contract To Drill For Ventilators In Arctic

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side , President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic .
“ Today , the heroic crews at ExxonMobil will travel to Alaska ’ s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge , where they will drill 6,000 feet below the earth in search of new , undiscovered mechanical breathing devices , ” said Trump , signing the $ 86 billion deal that gave the oil company sole access @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from over 30,000 square miles of “ vast , untapped reservoirs of respiratory ventilators.
” “ While this crisis is a challenge , I want to assure the American people that there are millions of medical devices lying just below the arctic surface , and all we need is ExxonMobil ’ s vast network of drilling rigs to find them .
That ’ s why we ’ re also announcing the construction of a long-distance ventilator pipeline , as well as an exclusive , multi-billion-dollar contract with Shell to begin extracting ventilators on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , President Trump had reportedly once again downplayed the need for medical supplies after one of ExxonMobil ’ s largest offshore tankers exploded .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

WASHINGTON—Saying there was no way the coronavirus could win with such amazing corporations on their side, President Donald Trump kicked off his plan to tackle the medical supply shortage Tuesday by awarding ExxonMobil an exclusive contract to drill for ventilators in the arctic. “Today, the heroic crews at ExxonMobil will travel to Alaska’s Arctic National Wildlife Refuge, where they will drill 6,000 feet below the earth in search of new, undiscovered mechanical breathing devices,” said Trump, signing the $86 billion deal that gave the oil company sole access to survey, drill, and extract from over 30,000 square miles of “vast, untapped reservoirs of respiratory ventilators.” “While this crisis is a challenge, I want to assure the American people that there are millions of medical devices lying just below the arctic surface, and all we need is ExxonMobil’s vast network of drilling rigs to find them. That’s why we’re also announcing the construction of a long-distance ventilator pipeline, as well as an exclusive, multi-billion-dollar contract with Shell to begin extracting ventilators on Native American reservations throughout South Dakota.” At press time, President Trump had reportedly once again downplayed the need for medical supplies after one of ExxonMobil’s largest offshore tankers exploded.


theonion--2020-03-31--New York Quickly Builds Thousands Of Emergency Hamptons Mansions To Shelter Wealthy

EAST HAMPTON , NY—In an effort to rapidly meet the needs of those most affected by the coronavirus pandemic , New York officials announced Tuesday that they were quickly building thousands of emergency Hamptons mansions to shelter wealthy residents .
“ We allocated hundreds of million dollars in state funding and dispatched emergency crews to begin construction on thousands of estates , country houses , and other large abodes along the Long Island shore to ensure that each and every wealthy New Yorker can ride out the pandemic in safety and comfort , ” said New York governor Andrew Cuomo @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have the first round of 40-room mansions fully constructed and outfitted with all the latest appliances and tech features by the end of the week , although he did stress that some of the wealthy might have to make do with temporary townhouses .
“ Please bear with us while we finish these sorely needed seventh bedrooms , indoor saunas , and infinity pools .
I ’ ve also issued an executive order to divert food supplies to the Hamptons so that residents will have enough to serve all their guests at their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ requested emergency supplies of oak and granite to finish all the flooring and countertops before the wealthy arrive in their private chartered cars .
If necessary , we are prepared to invoke emergency powers to finish all of the tennis courts and wine cellars .
In this time of crisis , we must do everything we can to ensure that all wealthy New Yorkers have access to the basic luxuries they need.
” At press time , MSNBC pundits were praising Cuomo ’ s handling of the crisis , commenting that his drive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it cost made him seem very presidential .

EAST HAMPTON, NY—In an effort to rapidly meet the needs of those most affected by the coronavirus pandemic, New York officials announced Tuesday that they were quickly building thousands of emergency Hamptons mansions to shelter wealthy residents. “We allocated hundreds of million dollars in state funding and dispatched emergency crews to begin construction on thousands of estates, country houses, and other large abodes along the Long Island shore to ensure that each and every wealthy New Yorker can ride out the pandemic in safety and comfort,” said New York governor Andrew Cuomo, adding that the state hoped to have the first round of 40-room mansions fully constructed and outfitted with all the latest appliances and tech features by the end of the week, although he did stress that some of the wealthy might have to make do with temporary townhouses. “Please bear with us while we finish these sorely needed seventh bedrooms, indoor saunas, and infinity pools. I’ve also issued an executive order to divert food supplies to the Hamptons so that residents will have enough to serve all their guests at their weekend parties. The state has also requested emergency supplies of oak and granite to finish all the flooring and countertops before the wealthy arrive in their private chartered cars. If necessary, we are prepared to invoke emergency powers to finish all of the tennis courts and wine cellars. In this time of crisis, we must do everything we can to ensure that all wealthy New Yorkers have access to the basic luxuries they need.” At press time, MSNBC pundits were praising Cuomo’s handling of the crisis, commenting that his drive to help the wealthy no matter what it cost made him seem very presidential.


theonion--2020-03-31--How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube

How To Solve A Rubik’s Cube

Solve the cross again .
This time , maybe try rotating the top layer once , then the bottom layer @ @ @ @ @ side of the cube until you can get one of the corner pieces to show @ @ @ @ @ .
Boy , that completely screwed up the cross .
What the hell ?
I @ @ @ @ @ the middle layer—how did this white square get all the way over here ?
God @ @ @ @ @ being such a pain ?
Set the cube down for a second and take a @ @

Solve the cross again. This time, maybe try rotating the top layer once, then the bottom layer, and then the right side of the cube until you can get one of the corner pieces to show up on the cube face. Boy, that completely screwed up the cross. What the hell? I didn’t even touch the middle layer—how did this white square get all the way over here? God, why’s this being such a pain? Set the cube down for a second and take a breath.


theonion--2020-03-31--Disney Announces Plans To Release ‘Mulan’ Directly Into Americans’ Consciousness

BURBANK , CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic , Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American .
“ In the interests of encouraging film viewers to be safe , we have chosen to skip theaters altogether and instead reach audiences by transmitting this epic tale of a legendary warrior who risks everything for her family into the minds of all current U.S. residents , ” said Disney Bob Chapek , encouraging the 330 million @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the coronavirus by staying home , where regions of their brain vital to memory formation and linguistic processing would be hijacked to deliver a dazzling , unforgettable cinematic experience .
“ Fans who were disappointed to hear of the film ’ s delayed release will be relieved to know that on Apr .
17 at 6 p.m. , their visual and auditory cortices will be overwhelmed with impressions of Liu Yifei portraying a fearless young woman who disguises herself as a man to fight for her country in her father ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mostly radiation-based procedure will allow one ’ s sensation of self to fade away completely until their entire experience of reality becomes Mulan .
We ’ re certain that having every detail of this movie vividly and permanently etched into your long-term memory will be well worth the temporary loss of motor function , moderate risk of intracranial aneurysm , and mandatory charge of $ 14.99.
” Hillman went on to confirm that Disney would be streaming the 1998 animated version of Mulan on a continuous loop in the dreams of each American @ @ @ @ @ @ @ film ’ s release .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

BURBANK, CA—As studios continue to delay the theatrical runs of major films due to the global Covid-19 pandemic, Walt Disney Pictures announced plans Tuesday to release the highly anticipated live-action remake of Mulan directly into the consciousness of every American. “In the interests of encouraging film viewers to be safe, we have chosen to skip theaters altogether and instead reach audiences by transmitting this epic tale of a legendary warrior who risks everything for her family into the minds of all current U.S. residents,” said Disney Bob Chapek, encouraging the 330 million domestic viewers of Mulan to reduce transmission of the coronavirus by staying home, where regions of their brain vital to memory formation and linguistic processing would be hijacked to deliver a dazzling, unforgettable cinematic experience. “Fans who were disappointed to hear of the film’s delayed release will be relieved to know that on Apr. 17 at 6 p.m., their visual and auditory cortices will be overwhelmed with impressions of Liu Yifei portraying a fearless young woman who disguises herself as a man to fight for her country in her father’s stead. Our Imagineers have ensured this mostly radiation-based procedure will allow one’s sensation of self to fade away completely until their entire experience of reality becomes Mulan. We’re certain that having every detail of this movie vividly and permanently etched into your long-term memory will be well worth the temporary loss of motor function, moderate risk of intracranial aneurysm, and mandatory charge of $14.99.” Hillman went on to confirm that Disney would be streaming the 1998 animated version of Mulan on a continuous loop in the dreams of each American for two weeks prior to the new film’s release.


theonion--2020-03-31--Tips For Getting Started On ‘Persona 5 Royal’

As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation , Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre , an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation , dungeon crawling , and role-playing .
And with its latest iteration , the game gets remastered and reimagined in the best possible way .
Here are tips for getting started on Persona 5 Royal .
Persona 5 Royal should take a little over 100 hours , which given recent circumstances , means you should be done with it in six days .
The classroom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you get them right , so don ’ t feel guilty pausing the game to enter a 4-year bachelor ’ s program in Meiji-era Japanese literature if there ’ s something you don ’ t know .
Throughout the game , you ’ ll have the option of either summoning your Persona—an extravagant physical manifestation of your subconscious desires—or just smoking a little pot and chilling the fuck out for a second .
Double-tap R2 during combat to quickly change the game to something that doesn ’ t look like an anime when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re worried about encountering the game ’ s critically reviled and offensive LGBTQ caricatures , don ’ t worry !
The developers wisely chose to remove them and replace them with heterosexual men .
With an additional semester-long storyline , a new character to get to know , and a whole new area of the map to explore , there ’ s just enough new content to justify paying full price for a game you ’ ve already played .
You might be tempted to share this game ’ s enjoyable , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you do , consider how you might react if someone shared video game music or jazz music with you .
Now combine those two .
See ?

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

As one of the greatest JRPGs of this generation, Persona 5 was already a must-play for fans of the genre, an immersive odyssey through modern-day Tokyo that seamlessly blended elements of social simulation, dungeon crawling, and role-playing. And with its latest iteration, the game gets remastered and reimagined in the best possible way. Here are tips for getting started on Persona 5 Royal.
Persona 5 Royal should take a little over 100 hours, which given recent circumstances, means you should be done with it in six days.
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The classroom trivia questions grant useful stat bonuses if you get them right, so don’t feel guilty pausing the game to enter a 4-year bachelor’s program in Meiji-era Japanese literature if there’s something you don’t know.
Throughout the game, you’ll have the option of either summoning your Persona—an extravagant physical manifestation of your subconscious desires—or just smoking a little pot and chilling the fuck out for a second.
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Double-tap R2 during combat to quickly change the game to something that doesn’t look like an anime when a friend walks in.
If you’re worried about encountering the game’s critically reviled and offensive LGBTQ caricatures, don’t worry! The developers wisely chose to remove them and replace them with heterosexual men.
Advertisement
With an additional semester-long storyline, a new character to get to know, and a whole new area of the map to explore, there’s just enough new content to justify paying full price for a game you’ve already played.
You might be tempted to share this game’s enjoyable, jazzy soundtrack with friends, but before you do, consider how you might react if someone shared video game music or jazz music with you. Now combine those two. See?


theonion--2020-03-31--Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 31, 2020

They say you love money more than anything else in the world , but then , they ’ ve never @ @ @ @ @ of pancakes .

Gemini | May 21 to June 20
They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they’ve never seen you around a stack of pancakes.


theonion--2020-03-31--Employee Proves Diligence By Arriving To Video Conference Call Extra Hour Early Every Morning

PORTLAND , OR—Going out of his way to demonstrate his dedication to the company , McDaniel Software Group employee Gregory @ @ @ @ @ arriving at video conference calls an extra hour early every morning , sources confirmed Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ morning video call doesn ’ t start until 9 , but Greg is on there @ @ @ @ @ before everybody else , ” said Katrina Yuen , a programmer at the company , @ @ @ @ @ to impress their bosses by getting on camera first thing in the morning , and @ @ @ @ @ has logged off .
“ It ’ s like , some of us have lives @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t just be there all day .
God , such a kiss-ass prick @ @ @ @ @ gunning for a promotion.
” At press time , Dougenis was informed by his bosses @ @ @ @ @ off .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

PORTLAND, OR—Going out of his way to demonstrate his dedication to the company, McDaniel Software Group employee Gregory Dougenis proved his diligence by arriving at video conference calls an extra hour early every morning, sources confirmed Tuesday. “Man, the morning video call doesn’t start until 9, but Greg is on there at 8 o’clock before everybody else,” said Katrina Yuen, a programmer at the company, explaining how her colleague tries to impress their bosses by getting on camera first thing in the morning, and then staying long after everyone has logged off. “It’s like, some of us have lives, you know? We can’t just be there all day. God, such a kiss-ass prick. He’s clearly gunning for a promotion.” At press time, Dougenis was informed by his bosses that he had been laid off.


theonion--2020-03-30--CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY ONE: Jesus Christ Cancels Return To Earth Amid Pandemic


theonion--2020-04-01--Zoom App Sued For Sharing User Data

Zoom App Sued For Sharing User Data

The videoconferencing service Zoom is at the center of a class-action lawsuit filed this week alleging the company handed over @ @ @ @ @ notifying users , while tech news sites also report the app may not be as @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ I expected so much more from this service I @ @ @ @ @ until three weeks ago.
” “ Tech companies should respect their customers ’ privacy enough @ @ @ @ @ print how they ’ ll be violating it .
”

The videoconferencing service Zoom is at the center of a class-action lawsuit filed this week alleging the company handed over personal information to Facebook without notifying users, while tech news sites also report the app may not be as secure as it claims. What do you think?
“I expected so much more from this service I hadn’t heard of until three weeks ago.” Dorothea Heusler • Unemployed
“This kind of behavior gives profiting off a disaster a bad name.” Joel Campa • Corporate Au Pair
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theonion--2020-04-01--‘The Onion’ Glossary To Coronavirus Pandemic Terms

As the coronavirus continues to spread , The Onion , like other leading media outlets , is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before .
In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble , The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms .
Trump , among others , has adopted the preferred term of race scientists Outmoded medical wear such as masks , gloves , and gowns that fell out of favor with fashion-conscious manufacturers over the past decade Disease that can be passed between humans and animals , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ imply anything about what you were doing when you caught it The final track on Less Than Jake ’ s seminal 1996 album Losing Streak According to the World Health Organization , a disease that affects the United States and potentially other places Legendary , mysterious apparatus that can only be found by the most intrepid adventurers Pronounced “ r-nought , ” a statistic that represents the contagiousness of a disease .
For example , the coronavirus follows a classic pyramid R0 , in which the disease ropes in individuals to contract it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a share of the lives of any individuals they , in turn , infect .
Stop what you ’ re doing and make a fort Death rate , which varies by age group , geography , and a government ’ s capacity to give a shit

As the coronavirus continues to spread, The Onion, like other leading media outlets, is utilizing many terms that our uneducated readers have likely never heard before. In order to make our coronavirus content more understandable to the rabble, The Onion presents a glossary to common coronavirus pandemic terms.
Chinese Virus:
Trump, among others, has adopted the preferred term of race scientists
Personal Protective Equipment:
Outmoded medical wear such as masks, gloves, and gowns that fell out of favor with fashion-conscious manufacturers over the past decade
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Zoonotic Disease:
Disease that can be passed between humans and animals, not that we’re trying to imply anything about what you were doing when you caught it
Advertisement Advertisement
The final track on Less Than Jake’s seminal 1996 album Losing Streak
According to the World Health Organization, a disease that affects the United States and potentially other places
Advertisement
Reverse transcription polymerase chain reaction:
Self-explanatory
Legendary, mysterious apparatus that can only be found by the most intrepid adventurers
Advertisement
Pronounced “r-nought,” a statistic that represents the contagiousness of a disease. For example, the coronavirus follows a classic pyramid R0, in which the disease ropes in individuals to contract it by assuring them they’ll earn a share of the lives of any individuals they, in turn, infect.
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Shelter In Place:
Stop what you’re doing and make a fort
Case Fatality Rate:
Death rate, which varies by age group, geography, and a government’s capacity to give a shit


theonion--2020-04-01--Careless Imprisoned Migrants Showing Zero Respect For Social-Distancing Rules

EL PASO , TX—Revealing a total disregard for the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control , a photograph leaked Wednesday shows imprisoned migrants in a U.S. detention facility completely ignoring the social-distancing guidelines experts agree are necessary to contain Covid-19 .
“ It ’ s like they ’ re not even trying to keep 6 feet apart , ” said Laura Britton , a local accountant and mother of three , who viewed the photo of several dozen detainees crowded together in a small cell and expressed frustration that the self-isolation efforts her family had undertaken would be “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ others broke the rules .
“ We ’ re gon na have to quarantine even longer because of unbelievably selfish people like this .
There ’ s eight of them sharing one bed , and not to be rude , but a lot of them look like they haven ’ t washed their hands in a long time .
Some look really young , too , and while they may not be showing symptoms , they could still spread the disease to more vulnerable people .
Seriously , where are those kids ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced it would begin strict enforcement of the CDC ’ s social-distancing guidelines by moving each of the migrants into solitary confinement .

EL PASO, TX—Revealing a total disregard for the recommendations of the Centers for Disease Control, a photograph leaked Wednesday shows imprisoned migrants in a U.S. detention facility completely ignoring the social-distancing guidelines experts agree are necessary to contain Covid-19. “It’s like they’re not even trying to keep 6 feet apart,” said Laura Britton, a local accountant and mother of three, who viewed the photo of several dozen detainees crowded together in a small cell and expressed frustration that the self-isolation efforts her family had undertaken would be “all for nothing” if so many others broke the rules. “We’re gonna have to quarantine even longer because of unbelievably selfish people like this. There’s eight of them sharing one bed, and not to be rude, but a lot of them look like they haven’t washed their hands in a long time. Some look really young, too, and while they may not be showing symptoms, they could still spread the disease to more vulnerable people. Seriously, where are those kids’ parents?” At press time, Immigration and Customs Enforcement announced it would begin strict enforcement of the CDC’s social-distancing guidelines by moving each of the migrants into solitary confinement.


theonion--2020-04-01--CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Ap

CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY THREE: Scientists No Closer To Understanding How Pressing Buzzer Unlocks Apartment Door

Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours , Topical host Leslie Price still finds a @ @ @ @ @ journalism .
In this in-depth OPR report , Price searches for answers to the questions @ @ @ @ @ to ask , like does the buzzing unlock the door ?
Or is it just @ @ @ @ @ is unlocked ?
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance @ @ @ @ @ .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the @ @ @ @ @ Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to @ @ @ @ @ to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

Even while being quarantined in his home for the past 72 hours, Topical host Leslie Price still finds a way to deliver groundbreaking investigative journalism. In this in-depth OPR report, Price searches for answers to the questions other podcasts are too afraid to ask, like does the buzzing unlock the door? Or is it just a signal that the door is unlocked?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-01--Pandemic Lockdowns Improve Air Quality Worldwide

As global industry slows and people isolate to prevent the spread of coronavirus , scientists say air pollution and carbon @ @ @ @ @ with levels of gases like nitrogen dioxide falling nearly 30 % in some areas .
@ @ @ @ @ “ That will be nice to experience if I ever get to go outside again.
@ @ @ @ @ sector shut down , it ’ s up to the government to make up for @ @ @ @ @ ”

As global industry slows and people isolate to prevent the spread of coronavirus, scientists say air pollution and carbon emissions have dropped significantly, with levels of gases like nitrogen dioxide falling nearly 30% in some areas. What do you think?
“That will be nice to experience if I ever get to go outside again.” Trevor Pine • Candy Peddler
“With the private sector shut down, it’s up to the government to make up for our lost carbon emissions.” Cynthia Pressman • Pants Pleater
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theonion--2020-04-01--Study Finds Most Restaurants Fail Within First Year Of It Becoming Illegal To Go To Them

COLUMBUS , OH—Calling bankruptcy an “ unfortunate reality ” for many current small business owners , a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them .
“ It may sound harsh , but our research found that over 90 % of restaurants close just a few months after being declared a high-risk environment where people are no longer allowed to frequent or dine , ” said lead researcher Professor Cara Coleman , adding that while many bistros , cafes , and fine dining @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they almost always run out of money once the authorities step in and make it physically impossible for staff to work , or for most of their customer base to purchase anything from their kitchen .
“ Unfortunately , it ’ s an extremely tough business , and the profit margin from food sales is almost never enough to withstand several months of a city ’ s residents being confined to their homes , no longer allowed to work , eat out , or travel .
The reality is , no matter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first time someone gets arrested or slapped with a $ 10,000 fine for trying to eat at your establishment can destroy you.
” At press time , Coleman advised restaurant owners to raise at least $ 10 million to $ 15 million in additional funding if they wanted to survive the next year .

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling bankruptcy an “unfortunate reality” for many current small business owners, a new study published Wednesday by Ohio State University found that most restaurants fail within the first year of it becoming illegal to go to them. “It may sound harsh, but our research found that over 90% of restaurants close just a few months after being declared a high-risk environment where people are no longer allowed to frequent or dine,” said lead researcher Professor Cara Coleman, adding that while many bistros, cafes, and fine dining establishments may seem financially stable at first, they almost always run out of money once the authorities step in and make it physically impossible for staff to work, or for most of their customer base to purchase anything from their kitchen. “Unfortunately, it’s an extremely tough business, and the profit margin from food sales is almost never enough to withstand several months of a city’s residents being confined to their homes, no longer allowed to work, eat out, or travel. The reality is, no matter how good your food is, that first time someone gets arrested or slapped with a $10,000 fine for trying to eat at your establishment can destroy you.” At press time, Coleman advised restaurant owners to raise at least $10 million to $15 million in additional funding if they wanted to survive the next year.


theonion--2020-04-01--Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Bef

Anthropologists Who Discovered Existence Of Goblins Just Going To Let Coronavirus Thing Die Down Before Making Announcement

MONTIGNAC , FRANCE—Stressing that they had been as astonished as anyone to learn the hideous creatures actually lived and congregated in the real world , a team of anthropologists from Oxford University who discovered the existence of goblins reportedly decided this week to just let the coronavirus thing die down before making their announcement .
“ Frankly , we assumed that goblins were creations of pure fantasy and I would have dismissed any evidence of them outright had my entire team not seen and verified their reality with their own eyes , which is why we ’ re just going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pandemic fiasco goes away , ” said lead researcher Dr. Arthur Worcester , who indicated that he had been dumbstruck after stumbling onto hundreds of tiny enchanted hammers and golden trinkets during a routine excavation of the Lascaux cave complex before witnessing the fanged , cape-wearing beings gathering in a stone hollow for some sort of mischievous festivities , but that none of this changed the core fact that there were more pressing issues for most people .
“ We also found dozens of perfectly intact skeletons that appear to be preserved through @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of this would confirm centuries of folktales and legends about these monstrous tricksters in a way that could frankly transform how humanity understands the physical world .
I mean , Jesus Christ—goblins .
Honestly , the fact that I have a few of them locked up in a cage in my office alone would probably make me one of the most influential scientists in human history .
But we want this to get the airtime it deserves , and there ’ s this whole Covid-19 problem , so ...
I guess , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what else do you do here ?
” At press time , Worcester had advised his team that they could try submitting a few of the photographs of the goblins performing sorcery this summer to Nature or Science , but that he doubted they would gain any real traction given the current state of things .

MONTIGNAC, FRANCE—Stressing that they had been as astonished as anyone to learn the hideous creatures actually lived and congregated in the real world, a team of anthropologists from Oxford University who discovered the existence of goblins reportedly decided this week to just let the coronavirus thing die down before making their announcement. “Frankly, we assumed that goblins were creations of pure fantasy and I would have dismissed any evidence of them outright had my entire team not seen and verified their reality with their own eyes, which is why we’re just going to sit on this until the whole pandemic fiasco goes away,” said lead researcher Dr. Arthur Worcester, who indicated that he had been dumbstruck after stumbling onto hundreds of tiny enchanted hammers and golden trinkets during a routine excavation of the Lascaux cave complex before witnessing the fanged, cape-wearing beings gathering in a stone hollow for some sort of mischievous festivities, but that none of this changed the core fact that there were more pressing issues for most people. “We also found dozens of perfectly intact skeletons that appear to be preserved through some sort of goblin magic. All of this would confirm centuries of folktales and legends about these monstrous tricksters in a way that could frankly transform how humanity understands the physical world. I mean, Jesus Christ—goblins. Honestly, the fact that I have a few of them locked up in a cage in my office alone would probably make me one of the most influential scientists in human history. But we want this to get the airtime it deserves, and there’s this whole Covid-19 problem, so...I guess, we’ll just wait? Honestly, what else do you do here?” At press time, Worcester had advised his team that they could try submitting a few of the photographs of the goblins performing sorcery this summer to Nature or Science, but that he doubted they would gain any real traction given the current state of things.


theonion--2020-04-01--Video Games Are Officially Art! Andres Serrano Just Submerged A Copy Of ‘Super Mario Odyssey’ In A J

Video Games Are Officially Art! Andres Serrano Just Submerged A Copy Of ‘Super Mario Odyssey’ In A Jar Of Piss

Well , well , well .
Looks like all the mainstream haters out there are about to see the error of their ways .
That ’ s right , gamers , everyone who ever doubted that video games can be art is about to eat a slice of humble pie , because American artist Andres Serrano just submerged a copy of Super Mario Odyssey in a jar of piss for his latest work , Platform ( 2020 ) , and video games are officially an art form !
For anyone who didn ’ t take gaming seriously before , just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ masterpiece stuffed into a container filled with the avant-garde photographer and provocateur ’ s own urine .
It ’ s an argument so compelling that we ’ re sure any critics out there will be rushing to post apologies right away for ever questioning the validity of video games .
Of course , the debate about whether gaming was an authentic form of creative expression has been raging for decades now .
Some contend video games are just a childish form of play , while others have even argued that their primary appeal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off tasks one by one on a lengthy to-do list .
Everything those naysayers miss about gaming has been perfectly captured by the sight of Serrano ’ s murky urine suffused with warm orange sunlight to reveal Mario ’ s smiling face .
Now , obviously , there have been countless moments of gaming past that could be used to argue for the medium ’ s artistic merit , from the sublime imagery as you ascend Journey ’ s final mountain to the countless gut-punch deaths in The Last of Us .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2017 platforming classic in his urine goes beyond anything we ’ ve seen before by revealing how the sacred and profane come together as one in video gaming .
It ’ s a sentiment beautifully echoed in another of his most recent works , Waste Ape , in which he constructed a sculpture of Donkey Kong entirely from his own feces .
So thanks a lot , Mr. Serrano !
You ’ re now an authentic gaming legend for life .

Well, well, well. Looks like all the mainstream haters out there are about to see the error of their ways. That’s right, gamers, everyone who ever doubted that video games can be art is about to eat a slice of humble pie, because American artist Andres Serrano just submerged a copy of Super Mario Odyssey in a jar of piss for his latest work, Platform (2020), and video games are officially an art form!
For anyone who didn’t take gaming seriously before, just feast your eyes on this Nintendo Switch masterpiece stuffed into a container filled with the avant-garde photographer and provocateur’s own urine. It’s an argument so compelling that we’re sure any critics out there will be rushing to post apologies right away for ever questioning the validity of video games.
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Of course, the debate about whether gaming was an authentic form of creative expression has been raging for decades now. Some contend video games are just a childish form of play, while others have even argued that their primary appeal comes from the dopamine rush of crossing off tasks one by one on a lengthy to-do list. Everything those naysayers miss about gaming has been perfectly captured by the sight of Serrano’s murky urine suffused with warm orange sunlight to reveal Mario’s smiling face.
Now, obviously, there have been countless moments of gaming past that could be used to argue for the medium’s artistic merit, from the sublime imagery as you ascend Journey’s final mountain to the countless gut-punch deaths in The Last of Us. But what Andres Serrano evokes by drowning the 2017 platforming classic in his urine goes beyond anything we’ve seen before by revealing how the sacred and profane come together as one in video gaming. It’s a sentiment beautifully echoed in another of his most recent works, Waste Ape, in which he constructed a sculpture of Donkey Kong entirely from his own feces.
Advertisement Advertisement
So thanks a lot, Mr. Serrano! You’re now an authentic gaming legend for life.


theonion--2020-04-01--Avid Sports Bettor Forced To Gamble On Stock Market Like Real Degenerate

ALLENTOWN , PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity , avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate .
“ It ’ s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay , but I never thought I ’ d have to wager on medical research companies and computer chip manufacturers to get my fix .
I always thought those people were sick , ” said Laramie , adding that ever since he ’ d fallen into this dark @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hide his stock portfolio from his wife so she wouldn ’ t stage an intervention .
“ The rush I get from seeing the Dow Jones up 4 % is unbelievable .
Man , I really need baseball to come back so I can break out of this downward spiral .
I almost blew my kid ’ s college fund buying Tesla stock .
What have I been reduced to ?
” At press time , Laramie was donating $ 5,000 to his favorite local bookie to help them survive the pandemic .

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

ALLENTOWN, PA—Worried that what was once a manageable vice had fallen into uncontrolled depravity, avid sports bettor Evan Laramie revealed Wednesday that he had been forced to gamble on the stock market like a real degenerate. “It’s one thing to lose three grand on an NBA parlay, but I never thought I’d have to wager on medical research companies and computer chip manufacturers to get my fix. I always thought those people were sick,” said Laramie, adding that ever since he’d fallen into this dark underworld, he has taken pains to hide his stock portfolio from his wife so she wouldn’t stage an intervention. “The rush I get from seeing the Dow Jones up 4% is unbelievable. Man, I really need baseball to come back so I can break out of this downward spiral. I almost blew my kid’s college fund buying Tesla stock. What have I been reduced to?” At press time, Laramie was donating $5,000 to his favorite local bookie to help them survive the pandemic.


theonion--2020-04-01--Rikers Inmates Punished After Guards Catch Them Trying To Make Bootleg Coronavirus Vaccine

NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York ’ s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large , sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines .
“ We recently sent multiple convicts to solitary confinement for trying to inoculate themselves with Covid-19 antigens they made in their cell toilets using yeast stolen from the mess hall , ” said warden Lou Adamos , who has led a crackdown on the correctional complex ’ s black market for immunizations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ noodles and cigarettes are traded for contraband cell cultures and test tubes to create vaccines that are then tested on rodents infesting the facility .
“ Even though having a good vaccine can make you the king of the yard , we hope these punishments will send a message that trying to swipe syringes from the infirmary to run trials on your adjuvants isn ’ t worth the risk .
We ’ ve also restricted visitation privileges for all inmates suspected of engaging in coronavirus vaccine R & D , as we now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that have been used to build improvised chromatography chambers.
” At press time , sources reported that guards on Rikers had become frustrated after the entire prison population became immune thanks to the bootleg vaccine achieving a 100 % efficacy rate .

NEW YORK—On the heels of a report that New York’s jails have an infection rate eight times higher than that of the city at large, sources confirmed Wednesday that officers on Rikers Island have punished numerous inmates for attempting to produce bootleg coronavirus vaccines. “We recently sent multiple convicts to solitary confinement for trying to inoculate themselves with Covid-19 antigens they made in their cell toilets using yeast stolen from the mess hall,” said warden Lou Adamos, who has led a crackdown on the correctional complex’s black market for immunizations, in which items such as cup noodles and cigarettes are traded for contraband cell cultures and test tubes to create vaccines that are then tested on rodents infesting the facility. “Even though having a good vaccine can make you the king of the yard, we hope these punishments will send a message that trying to swipe syringes from the infirmary to run trials on your adjuvants isn’t worth the risk. We’ve also restricted visitation privileges for all inmates suspected of engaging in coronavirus vaccine R&D, as we now know many visitors have smuggled in tools that have been used to build improvised chromatography chambers.” At press time, sources reported that guards on Rikers had become frustrated after the entire prison population became immune thanks to the bootleg vaccine achieving a 100% efficacy rate.


theonion--2020-04-01--It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote

HAVERFORD , PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses , local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend , Leya Ferguson , used to fuck the guy she mentioned while recounting a weekend trip to The Berkshires .
“ She keeps bringing up this dude but never gets around to actually mentioning his name , so right away I knew something ’ s up , ” said Bridgewater , who refused to be convinced the man in question was , as Ferguson stipulated , “ just some townie who kept showing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she mentioned that they were laying around in bed , but kind of stammered and changed it to ‘ We were , you know , all of us , were hanging out in his room.
’ And a big part of the story was how she had to call his parents after he got food poisoning , and she said , ‘ Judith was extremely upset.
’ There ’ s absolutely no way she ’ d remember his mom ’ s name if they weren ’ t hooking up.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the cologne “ this one dude ” was wearing the day they drove back from the trip .

HAVERFORD, PA—Noticing a marked mid-anecdote shift in tone as well as several meaningfully deliberate pauses, local boyfriend Anton Bridgewater instantly concluded Wednesday that his girlfriend, Leya Ferguson, used to fuck the guy she mentioned while recounting a weekend trip to The Berkshires. “She keeps bringing up this dude but never gets around to actually mentioning his name, so right away I knew something’s up,” said Bridgewater, who refused to be convinced the man in question was, as Ferguson stipulated, “just some townie who kept showing up.” “At one point, she mentioned that they were laying around in bed, but kind of stammered and changed it to ‘We were, you know, all of us, were hanging out in his room.’ And a big part of the story was how she had to call his parents after he got food poisoning, and she said, ‘Judith was extremely upset.’ There’s absolutely no way she’d remember his mom’s name if they weren’t hooking up.” At press time, Ferguson was describing in painstaking detail the cologne “this one dude” was wearing the day they drove back from the trip.


theonion--2020-04-02--Spotify Launches App For Children

Spotify Launches App For Children

Spotify announced a new kid-friendly app featuring over 8,000 songs , bedtime stories , lullabies , soundscapes , and themed @ @ @ @ @ , Christian , and soul music .
What do you think ?
“ Kudos to @ @ @ @ @ successfully finding a fun , engaging way to gather data on underage users.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ not be exposed to music until they ’ re 18.
” “ Excellent , I @ @ @ @ @ get into some new lullabies .
”

Spotify announced a new kid-friendly app featuring over 8,000 songs, bedtime stories, lullabies, soundscapes, and themed playlists including country, Motown, Christian, and soul music. What do you think?
“Kudos to the folks at Spotify for successfully finding a fun, engaging way to gather data on underage users.” Giselle Baker • Systems Analyst
“Absolutely not. Children should not be exposed to music until they’re 18.” Warren McKay • Pasta Expert
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theonion--2020-04-02--CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FOUR: Host Leslie Price Confronts The Cursed Scratching Within His Walls

After four days of self-isolation , the walls inside Leslie Price ’ s apartment begin to speak to him .
@ @ @ @ @ that of a plagued beast ?
Or something not of this realm at all ?
@ @ @ @ @ Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash @ @ @ @ @ or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will @ @ @ @ @ Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

After four days of self-isolation, the walls inside Leslie Price’s apartment begin to speak to him. But are their incessant dronings that of a plagued beast? Or something not of this realm at all?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-02--Bidet Sales Skyrocket During Coronavirus Pandemic

As grocery stores and online retailers struggle to keep toilet paper in stock due to Americans panic-buying paper products , @ @ @ @ @ to ten times what they were before the pandemic .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ be simpler to just stop going to the bathroom until this whole pandemic thing blows @ @ @ @ @ thanks .
I just can ’ t get used to the idea of cleaning yourself @ @ @ @ @ ’ m concerned that this will ultimately lead to us adopting the metric system .
@

As grocery stores and online retailers struggle to keep toilet paper in stock due to Americans panic-buying paper products, bidet sales have increased up to ten times what they were before the pandemic. What do you think?
“Wouldn’t it be simpler to just stop going to the bathroom until this whole pandemic thing blows over?” Alan Hynde • Lotion Processor
“No thanks. I just can’t get used to the idea of cleaning yourself with water.” Dee Bromilow • Blimp Steward
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theonion--2020-04-02--‘They’re Doing Something To The Street,’ Reports Nation Staring Out Window

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they heard some kind of big commotion and decided to check out what was going on , the @ @ @ @ @ They ’ re doing something to the street ” while staring out of their windows @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve got a big truck out there and they ’ re making a hole @ @ @ @ @ Americans who were pressed up against their windows , calling to their coinhabitants to come @ @ @ @ @ hard hats and safety vests who had sectioned off the road with traffic cones and @ @ @ @ @ with a big pile of rocks .
“ I wonder what this is for , @ @ @ @ @ lot of work .
Oh , look , look , a guy just got into @ @ @ @ @ just handed him a tool !
Man , that ’ s crazy.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ contact with one of the workers on the street , the U.S. populace smiled and @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they heard some kind of big commotion and decided to check out what was going on, the U.S. populace announced Thursday “They’re doing something to the street” while staring out of their windows. “Whoa, they’ve got a big truck out there and they’re making a hole,” said 327 million Americans who were pressed up against their windows, calling to their coinhabitants to come see all the guys in hard hats and safety vests who had sectioned off the road with traffic cones and were doing “something” with a big pile of rocks. “I wonder what this is for, since it seems like a lot of work. Oh, look, look, a guy just got into the hole, and someone just handed him a tool! Man, that’s crazy.” At press time, after making eye contact with one of the workers on the street, the U.S. populace smiled and gave them a thumbs up.


theonion--2020-04-02--BREAKING: This Is A Test Of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System

CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT , sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion ’ s Emergency Headline System .
Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency content protocol .
Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom .
This is only a test .
Doom doom doom .
This is not a real article .
Doom doom doom .
The Onion ’ s Emergency Headline System is conducting a test .
Doom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doom broadcasters in your area doom doom doom in voluntary cooperation doom doom doom with federal , state , and local authorities have doom doom doom developed this system doom doom doom to keep you informed doom doom doom in the event doom doom doom of a headline emergency .
Doom doom doom .
Several reports indicated that if you have received this article , the test was a success , no further action is required , and you may return to your regularly scheduled content .
For further emergency updates , please @ @ @

CHICAGO—WARNING WARNING ALERT ALERT ALERT ALERT, sources confirmed Thursday that this is a test of The Onion’s Emergency Headline System. Please excuse this interruption from your previously scheduled headlines while The Onion reviews its emergency content protocol. Doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom doom. This is only a test. Doom doom doom. This is not a real article. Doom doom doom. The Onion’s Emergency Headline System is conducting a test. Doom doom doom. The Onion doom doom doom broadcasters in your area doom doom doom in voluntary cooperation doom doom doom with federal, state, and local authorities have doom doom doom developed this system doom doom doom to keep you informed doom doom doom in the event doom doom doom of a headline emergency. Doom doom doom. Several reports indicated that if you have received this article, the test was a success, no further action is required, and you may return to your regularly scheduled content. For further emergency updates, please visit TheOnion.com/latest.


theonion--2020-04-03--FDA Eases Restrictions On Blood Donations From Gay, Bisexual Men

Citing the need to maintain the country ’ s blood supply during the coronavirus pandemic , the FDA announced gay @ @ @ @ @ to donate blood if they ’ ve abstained from sex with other men for the @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ The people in charge need to realize that gay and @ @ @ @ @ full of blood as the rest of us.
” “ Thank God .
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ walk into blood donation centers and talk about how much I love my wife.
” @ @ @ @ @ , you ’ re not getting me out of the house .
”

Citing the need to maintain the country’s blood supply during the coronavirus pandemic, the FDA announced gay and bisexual men are eligible to donate blood if they’ve abstained from sex with other men for the previous three months. What do you think?
“The people in charge need to realize that gay and bisexual men are just as full of blood as the rest of us.” Josette Abramsen • Rust Scraper
“Thank God. I’m sick of having to walk into blood donation centers and talk about how much I love my wife.” Aaron Hambly • Tile Aligner
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theonion--2020-04-03--Effects Of Coronavirus On The Internet

Effects Of Coronavirus On The Internet

As the spread of coronavirus has caused more Americans to isolate indoors , there have been many effects both on @ @ @ @ @ and on infrastructure itself—everything from changing behaviors , to reshaping work and education , to @ @ @ @ @ .
The Onion looks at the effects of coronavirus on the internet .
Coworkers discovering @ @ @ @ @ dislike about you .
Uptick of bizarre celebrity videos revealing they need us more than @ @ @ @ @ 2 % increase in search queries for “ COVID-19 symptoms ” over 2018 .
Google @ @ @ @ @ so people can make sure it ’ s all still there .
Data shortages forcing @ @ @ @ @ those less far into their shows .
Pornographic films skipping theaters and going straight to @ @ @ @ @ grid one more thing private industry could have made fully functional but chose not to @

As the spread of coronavirus has caused more Americans to isolate indoors, there have been many effects both on how people use the internet and on infrastructure itself—everything from changing behaviors, to reshaping work and education, to putting pressure on the grid. The Onion looks at the effects of coronavirus on the internet.
Coworkers discovering entirely digital character traits to dislike about you.
Likelihood of answering FaceTime call up 120%.
Uptick of bizarre celebrity videos revealing they need us more than we need them.
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Slight 2% increase in search queries for “COVID-19 symptoms” over 2018.
Google Maps usage up 30% so people can make sure it’s all still there.
Data shortages forcing Netflix to prioritize traffic for those less far into their shows.
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American schools struggling to adapt to online active-shooter drills.
Pornographic films skipping theaters and going straight to streaming platforms.
Discovering internet grid one more thing private industry could have made fully functional but chose not to.


theonion--2020-04-03--CORONAVIRUS LOCKDOWN DAY FIVE: The Last Will And Testament Of Topical Host Leslie Price

After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek , Leslie Price reflects on his time on @ @ @ @ @ the worst .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance @ @ @ @ @ .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the @ @ @ @ @ Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to @ @ @ @ @ to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

After discovering he may have contracted Covid-19 from his yoga swami Derek, Leslie Price reflects on his time on Earth as he prepares for the worst.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-03--Coronavirus Task Force Member Receives Security Detail Following Threats

Infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci , who is helping lead the White House ’ s response against Covid-19 , @ @ @ @ @ detail after receiving threats online from conspiracy theorists who believe he is attempting to hurt @ @ @ @ @ during a campaign year .
What do you think ?
“ Fauci knew the game @ @ @ @ @ National Institutes of Health.
” “ Would an innocent person get a security detail to @ @ @ @ @ ?
” “ Glad to see my messages have been received .
”

Infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci, who is helping lead the White House’s response against Covid-19, has been given a security detail after receiving threats online from conspiracy theorists who believe he is attempting to hurt the president’s image during a campaign year. What do you think?
“Fauci knew the game the minute he joined the National Institutes of Health.” Lucy Reale • Peanut Roasting Technician
“Would an innocent person get a security detail to protect themselves from crazy people?” John Rivera • Aerosol Can Filler
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theonion--2020-04-03--In God We Trust: The All-Time Sexiest Dimes

The U.S. Mint must have had sex on the brain when they printed this dime .
How can you explain @ @ @ @ @ bas-relief ?

The U.S. Mint must have had sex on the brain when they printed this dime. How can you explain that knockout rim and swoon-worthy bas-relief?


theonion--2020-04-03--Southern Governors Argue Covid-19 Good Christian Virus That Wouldn’t Dare Spread During Church

TALLAHASSEE , FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic , the governors of several Southern states confirmed Thursday they have exempted religious services from their shelter-in-place orders , arguing that Covid-19 is a good Christian virus that wouldn ’ t dare to spread during church .
“ As far as I can tell , this coronavirus is an upstanding and righteous disease that knows better than to continue its deadly outbreak within a house of God , ” Florida Gov .
Ron DeSantis said in a statement later echoed by Govs .
Bill Lee @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and Tate Reeves of Mississippi .
“ If we were talking about some sort of secular , atheistic virus , churchgoers might have cause for worry .
But I believe in my heart this highly communicable pathogen will show respect during services and not do anything to harm the Lord ’ s flock on our day of rest .
Now , what the virus does to the wicked , sinful people in our community—that ’ s between it and God.
” At press time , sources confirmed Southern governors had taken steps @ @ @ @ @ @ @ indefinitely .

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In a bold affirmation of faith during a time of widespread global pandemic, the governors of several Southern states confirmed Thursday they have exempted religious services from their shelter-in-place orders, arguing that Covid-19 is a good Christian virus that wouldn’t dare to spread during church. “As far as I can tell, this coronavirus is an upstanding and righteous disease that knows better than to continue its deadly outbreak within a house of God,” Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis said in a statement later echoed by Govs. Bill Lee of Tennessee, Greg Abbott of Texas, and Tate Reeves of Mississippi. “If we were talking about some sort of secular, atheistic virus, churchgoers might have cause for worry. But I believe in my heart this highly communicable pathogen will show respect during services and not do anything to harm the Lord’s flock on our day of rest. Now, what the virus does to the wicked, sinful people in our community—that’s between it and God.” At press time, sources confirmed Southern governors had taken steps to ensure all mosques would be closed indefinitely.


theonion--2020-04-03--Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference to address the growing Covid-19 pandemic , White House senior advisor Jared Kushner admonished resource-stricken states this week that they should have shown some foresight and planned ahead before joining the Union .
“ To any governors coming to me and saying the White House hasn ’ t given them what they need , I would urge them to ask why they didn ’ t consider these possibilities centuries ago when they first joined together into a federal republic ?
” said Kushner , singling out Texas ’ governor in particular and questioning why the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ start stockpiling their own ventilators or face masks back in 1884 when they allowed the United States to annex them from Mexico.
” ” Some of you , like Massachusetts or Virginia , have actually had several hundred years with the knowledge that our Constitution grants significant independence in resource allocation to individual states .
Frankly , you could have decided way back in 1776 that this setup wasn ’ t for you .
Instead , you impulsively formed a unified nation without even considering the consequences .
I ’ m sorry if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kushner stressed that he was tired of hearing excuses from states that didn ’ t begin building a respirator cache in the 18th century because they were busy with westward expansion or that modern germ theory simply had not yet been developed .

WASHINGTON—Speaking at a press conference to address the growing Covid-19 pandemic, White House senior advisor Jared Kushner admonished resource-stricken states this week that they should have shown some foresight and planned ahead before joining the Union. “To any governors coming to me and saying the White House hasn’t given them what they need, I would urge them to ask why they didn’t consider these possibilities centuries ago when they first joined together into a federal republic?” said Kushner, singling out Texas’ governor in particular and questioning why the Lone Star state didn’t simply start stockpiling their own ventilators or face masks back in 1884 when they allowed the United States to annex them from Mexico.””Some of you, like Massachusetts or Virginia, have actually had several hundred years with the knowledge that our Constitution grants significant independence in resource allocation to individual states. Frankly, you could have decided way back in 1776 that this setup wasn’t for you. Instead, you impulsively formed a unified nation without even considering the consequences. I’m sorry if I don’t sympathize here.” Kushner stressed that he was tired of hearing excuses from states that didn’t begin building a respirator cache in the 18th century because they were busy with westward expansion or that modern germ theory simply had not yet been developed.


theonion--2020-04-03--Review: ‘Resident Evil 3’ Remaster Makes Game Even Scarier By Replacing The Nemesis With Romanian Di

Review: ‘Resident Evil 3’ Remaster Makes Game Even Scarier By Replacing The Nemesis With Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu

When Capcom announced they would be continuing their series of blockbuster remasters , gamers got pumped to finally jump back into the shoes of S.T.A.R.S Member Jill Valentine in her daring escape from Raccoon City .
But what fans were most excited about is how the developers would handle redesigning the Nemesis , an unforgettable enemy who already ratcheted tension levels up to 11 in the original .
Well , we ’ re happy to reveal that Resident Evil 3 not only delivers on those sky-high expectations , but actually makes the game even more terrifying by replacing the Nemesis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Let ’ s just say you might want to avoid the latest from Capcom if you scare easily and have even a passing knowledge of the Romanian Communist Party leader ’ s totalitarian regime between 1969 and 1989 .
What ’ s so genius about this shake-up is that Capcom could have just ported the game to modern consoles , made a few graphical tweaks , and walked away with a successful update on the survival-horror classic .
But swapping out the Umbrella Corporation ’ s Nemesis bioweapon for every tense encounter as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Racoon City or through the unforgettable Clock Tower set piece—brings to mind his horrifying crackdown on press freedoms , his totalitarian grip on power , and the use of secret police known as the Securitate to crush any and all dissent .
Graphically , this remake features some of the most impressive lighting and character models in series history , which really comes across when you get up close and personal with Romania ’ s ruthless Conducăto himself in boss encounters .
The cold , humorless look on Ceaușescu ’ s realistically @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more frightening as you fire off round after round at him from your grenade launcher or shotgun , just as helpless to stop him as the Romanian people were to fend off the July Theses and their devastating effect on personal and political freedoms .
Sure , there are trade-offs in dropping the biological weapon known as Nemesis from the title and replacing him with a Romanian dictator .
For one , Ceaușescu was only 5 foot 6 inches , which certainly makes hiding in chase sequences much easier than against an unstoppable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more than made up for in the scares department from the bone-chilling knowledge that this same diminutive dictator ’ s likeness was seen from propaganda posters and state sponsored TV channels across Bucharest furthering his oppressive cult of personality .
We shouldn ’ t need to remind you , but definitely don ’ t play this one with the lights off .
If Resident Evil 3 teaches us one thing , it ’ s that a virus outbreak and zombie infestation might be scary , but the consequences of unfettered state control of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ something that will haunt your dreams for weeks to come .
Only when you use a railgun to defeat Ceaușescu in his final iteration as a tentacle monster—echoing the dictator ’ s execution by death squad in 1989—can you truly say that you have gone through hell and back .
Gamers , welcome to your new nightmare .
You ’ ve got to check this one out .

When Capcom announced they would be continuing their series of blockbuster remasters, gamers got pumped to finally jump back into the shoes of S.T.A.R.S Member Jill Valentine in her daring escape from Raccoon City. But what fans were most excited about is how the developers would handle redesigning the Nemesis, an unforgettable enemy who already ratcheted tension levels up to 11 in the original. Well, we’re happy to reveal that Resident Evil 3 not only delivers on those sky-high expectations, but actually makes the game even more terrifying by replacing the Nemesis with brutal Romanian Dictator Nicolae Ceaușescu.
Let’s just say you might want to avoid the latest from Capcom if you scare easily and have even a passing knowledge of the Romanian Communist Party leader’s totalitarian regime between 1969 and 1989.
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What’s so genius about this shake-up is that Capcom could have just ported the game to modern consoles, made a few graphical tweaks, and walked away with a successful update on the survival-horror classic. But swapping out the Umbrella Corporation’s Nemesis bioweapon for every tense encounter as Ceaușescu chases you down—whether along the streets of Racoon City or through the unforgettable Clock Tower set piece—brings to mind his horrifying crackdown on press freedoms, his totalitarian grip on power, and the use of secret police known as the Securitate to crush any and all dissent.
Graphically, this remake features some of the most impressive lighting and character models in series history, which really comes across when you get up close and personal with Romania’s ruthless Conducăto himself in boss encounters. The cold, humorless look on Ceaușescu’s realistically rendered face just makes it all the more frightening as you fire off round after round at him from your grenade launcher or shotgun, just as helpless to stop him as the Romanian people were to fend off the July Theses and their devastating effect on personal and political freedoms.
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Sure, there are trade-offs in dropping the biological weapon known as Nemesis from the title and replacing him with a Romanian dictator. For one, Ceaușescu was only 5 foot 6 inches, which certainly makes hiding in chase sequences much easier than against an unstoppable mutated bioweapon. But that’s more than made up for in the scares department from the bone-chilling knowledge that this same diminutive dictator’s likeness was seen from propaganda posters and state sponsored TV channels across Bucharest furthering his oppressive cult of personality.
We shouldn’t need to remind you, but definitely don’t play this one with the lights off.
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If Resident Evil 3 teaches us one thing, it’s that a virus outbreak and zombie infestation might be scary, but the consequences of unfettered state control of resources in an Eastern Bloc country is something that will haunt your dreams for weeks to come. Only when you use a railgun to defeat Ceaușescu in his final iteration as a tentacle monster—echoing the dictator’s execution by death squad in 1989—can you truly say that you have gone through hell and back. Gamers, welcome to your new nightmare. You’ve got to check this one out.
10/10 — Must Play