theonion--2020-09-22--Trump Administration Names 3 Cities ‘Anarchy Jurisdictions’

The Department of Justice on Monday named Seattle , Portland , and New York “ anarchy jurisdictions , ” and @ @ @ @ @ withhold federal aid from those cities , though constitutional law experts say the order would @ @ @ @ @ court .
What do you think ?
“ Oh please , these lists are always @ @ @ @ @ that ’ s what my realtor meant by my apartment being in trendy AnJu .
@

The Department of Justice on Monday named Seattle, Portland, and New York “anarchy jurisdictions,” and President Trump announced he would withhold federal aid from those cities, though constitutional law experts say the order would not likely be upheld in court. What do you think?
“Oh please, these lists are always so biased.” Michael Porter • Unemployed
“True anarchists wouldn’t accept federal money anyway.” Tom Calleja • Laundry Room Attendant
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theonion--2020-09-22--‘Schitt’s Creek’ Sweeps Emmys

‘Schitt’s Creek’ Sweeps Emmys

The Canadian television sitcom Schitt ’ s Creek swept the 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards , taking home nine prizes , @ @ @ @ @ for which it was nominated , and setting a record for most Emmy wins for @ @ @ @ @ single season .
What do you think ?
“ That many wi ns is incredibly @ @ @ @ @ deserves to be investigated.
” “ I tried watching it a few years ago , @ @ @ @ @ t get into the Emmys.
” “ I ’ ll have to check that out @ @ @ @ @ season start ?
”

The Canadian television sitcom Schitt’s Creek swept the 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards, taking home nine prizes, including all seven major awards for which it was nominated, and setting a record for most Emmy wins for a comedy series in a single season. What do you think?
“That many wi ns is incredibly impressive, highly suspicious and deserves to be investigated.” Joan Zambeli • Road Resurfacer
“I tried watching it a few years ago, but I just couldn’t get into the Emmys.” Zeph Woodley • Chimney Sweep
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theonion--2020-09-22--Earth Hopes Weird Burning Sensation Nothing Serious

LITTLEROCK , CA—Wondering if it should get the stabbing discomfort checked out , Earth reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that a weird burning sensation was nothing serious .
“ There ’ s this nagging feeling of burning that seems to be spreading around , and I ’ m really starting to worry that it ’ s indicative of a much bigger problem , ” said the planet , adding that while it had gotten used to burning sensations in its Amazon and Southeast Asian regions , it was starting to feel new sharp pains in more areas of its astronomical body @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are these little flames stabbing into me in North America and Australia and some other places .
Usually , these kinds of pains would just go away in a week or two , but now they ’ re really starting to hurt and lasting longer .
I ’ m getting older , so hopefully the burning sensation isn ’ t a symptom of some much more serious issue .
I have been feeling warmer lately , which I ’ d say is heat flashes or something , but it doesn ’ t really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I hope I ’ m okay.
” Earth added that it was also having trouble breathing lately , but hoped it was just due to seasonal allergies and not some life-threatening condition .

LITTLEROCK, CA—Wondering if it should get the stabbing discomfort checked out, Earth reportedly expressed hope Tuesday that a weird burning sensation was nothing serious. “There’s this nagging feeling of burning that seems to be spreading around, and I’m really starting to worry that it’s indicative of a much bigger problem,” said the planet, adding that while it had gotten used to burning sensations in its Amazon and Southeast Asian regions, it was starting to feel new sharp pains in more areas of its astronomical body. “It’s like there are these little flames stabbing into me in North America and Australia and some other places. Usually, these kinds of pains would just go away in a week or two, but now they’re really starting to hurt and lasting longer. I’m getting older, so hopefully the burning sensation isn’t a symptom of some much more serious issue. I have been feeling warmer lately, which I’d say is heat flashes or something, but it doesn’t really seem to be getting better. Man, I hope I’m okay.” Earth added that it was also having trouble breathing lately, but hoped it was just due to seasonal allergies and not some life-threatening condition.


theonion--2020-09-22--CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Go

CDC Announces Children Will Be Last To Receive Covid Vaccine Because What Are Those Little Twerps Going To Do About It

‘ Huh ?
Huh ?
What Are You Going To Do , Cry ?
’ ATLANTA—Outlining their priorities guiding the development and distribution of an immunizing agent against the deadly virus , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly announced Tuesday that children will be the last to receive a Covid-19 vaccine because what are those little twerps going to do about it ?
“ Huh ?
Huh ?
If we don ’ t get around to getting a vaccine that works for you for a long time , what are you going to do , cry ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the agency ’ s plan for children by holding a vial high above his head where those scrawny wimps wouldn ’ t be able to reach it .
“ We ’ ll make a vaccine and give it to every adult in America but not any of you .
You can ’ t even vote , why should we care what a bunch of pipsqueaks like you want ?
What are you going to do , tell your mom on us ?
Yeah , whine about it .
Tire yourselves out and take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any coronavirus medication would come with “ the mother of all child-proof seals ” since what could a bunch of stupid little babies do to stop them .

‘Huh? Huh? What Are You Going To Do, Cry?’
ATLANTA—Outlining their priorities guiding the development and distribution of an immunizing agent against the deadly virus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly announced Tuesday that children will be the last to receive a Covid-19 vaccine because what are those little twerps going to do about it? “Huh? Huh? If we don’t get around to getting a vaccine that works for you for a long time, what are you going to do, cry?” said CDC director Robert Redfield, demonstrating the agency’s plan for children by holding a vial high above his head where those scrawny wimps wouldn’t be able to reach it. “We’ll make a vaccine and give it to every adult in America but not any of you. You can’t even vote, why should we care what a bunch of pipsqueaks like you want? What are you going to do, tell your mom on us? Yeah, whine about it. Tire yourselves out and take a nap.” The CDC announced that any coronavirus medication would come with “the mother of all child-proof seals” since what could a bunch of stupid little babies do to stop them.


theonion--2020-09-22--Girlfriend Doing Something With Leaves From Outside

SAGINAW , MI—Insisting that no one was allowed to touch the small pile of foliage on the dining room table @ @ @ @ @ , 27 , was doing something with the leaves from outside , sources confirmed Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ that these leaves are for a craft project or to make potpourri , but there @ @ @ @ @ to know , ” said boyfriend Ryan Hawkins , adding that Slagle certainly had a @ @ @ @ @ twigs and leaves , given that she had spent the previous weekend methodically collecting the @ @ @ @ @ a specific spot in their apartment .
“ I don ’ t know whether she @ @ @ @ @ if it ’ s like a scrapbooking thing or what , but she did get @ @ @ @ @ to throw them away .
Maybe she ’ s making a wreath or something .
@ @ @ @ @ press time , Slagle claimed she was almost finished after gathering a handful of little @ @ @ @ @ out back .

SAGINAW, MI—Insisting that no one was allowed to touch the small pile of foliage on the dining room table, local girlfriend Michelle Slagle, 27, was doing something with the leaves from outside, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It could be that these leaves are for a craft project or to make potpourri, but there’s really no way to know,” said boyfriend Ryan Hawkins, adding that Slagle certainly had a plan for the collection of twigs and leaves, given that she had spent the previous weekend methodically collecting the flora and depositing them in a specific spot in their apartment. “I don’t know whether she’s framing them or if it’s like a scrapbooking thing or what, but she did get really mad when I tried to throw them away. Maybe she’s making a wreath or something. Who knows?” At press time, Slagle claimed she was almost finished after gathering a handful of little pine cones from the woods out back.


theonion--2020-09-22--Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Co

Xi Jinping Jails Chinese Tycoon For Failing To Use Sandwich Method Of Constructive Criticism When Condemning Him

BEIJING—In an effort to crack down on overly harsh dissent , President Xi Jinping jailed Chinese real estate tycoon Ren @ @ @ @ @ use the sandwich method of constructive criticism when condemning him .
“ He should have @ @ @ @ @ slipped in some feedback on my coronavirus response , and then ended on another compliment @ @ @ @ @ who called the businessman ’ s criticism of his response to the coronavirus outbreak in @ @ @ @ @ as well as “ unproductive.
” “ Look , this isn ’ t how we @ @ @ @ @ Instead of attacking by calling me ‘ a clown stripped of his clothes , ’ @ @ @ @ @ an ‘ I ’ statement .
This is how the Chinese Communist Party has operated @ @ @ @ @ and he knows that .
Hopefully , this case can serve as an example to @ @ @ @ @ my regime without first praising my work ethic.
” At press time , Xi added @ @ @ @ @ welcome to privately talk one-on-one with him .

BEIJING—In an effort to crack down on overly harsh dissent, President Xi Jinping jailed Chinese real estate tycoon Ren Zhiqiang Tuesday for failing to use the sandwich method of constructive criticism when condemning him. “He should have started with something nice, slipped in some feedback on my coronavirus response, and then ended on another compliment,” said Xi, who called the businessman’s criticism of his response to the coronavirus outbreak in the nation “hurtful” as well as “unproductive.” “Look, this isn’t how we do things around here. Instead of attacking by calling me ‘a clown stripped of his clothes,’ he should have started with an ‘I’ statement. This is how the Chinese Communist Party has operated for nearly 100 years, and he knows that. Hopefully, this case can serve as an example to other dissidents thinking about criticizing my regime without first praising my work ethic.” At press time, Xi added his critics should always feel welcome to privately talk one-on-one with him.


theonion--2020-09-22--Biden Campaigns Door-To-Door In JPMorgan Chase Headquarters

NEW YORK—As the Democratic presidential nominee ramped up his in-person efforts to get out the vote , members of the Joe Biden campaign reportedly went door-to-door Tuesday in the JPMorgan Chase headquarters .
“ Door-knocking is a core part of talking to supporters and getting our message out there , which is why we ’ re spending the day knocking on each and every office door in the entire building , ” said Biden deputy campaign manager Pete Kavanaugh , adding that hundreds of volunteers were reaching out to every wealth manager , data analyst , and investment associate at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and donations for the Democratic nominee before canvassing at the headquarters of Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley .
“ We explain to every potential supporter what a great candidate Biden is and how his vision for the country will make their lives better .
We hope to get a commitment to vote , of course , but a little donation doesn ’ t hurt either .
Polls show that the 12th floor is a tossup so we ’ re definitely focusing on that .
A lot of these people were Hillary [ Clinton @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re not taking anything for granted , and the Wall Street demographic represents our key supporters.
” At press time , several members of the Biden campaign team expressed disappointment after speaking with several bankers who said they didn ’ t really see a difference between the two candidates .

NEW YORK—As the Democratic presidential nominee ramped up his in-person efforts to get out the vote, members of the Joe Biden campaign reportedly went door-to-door Tuesday in the JPMorgan Chase headquarters. “Door-knocking is a core part of talking to supporters and getting our message out there, which is why we’re spending the day knocking on each and every office door in the entire building,” said Biden deputy campaign manager Pete Kavanaugh, adding that hundreds of volunteers were reaching out to every wealth manager, data analyst, and investment associate at the 383 Madison building to seek support and donations for the Democratic nominee before canvassing at the headquarters of Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley. “We explain to every potential supporter what a great candidate Biden is and how his vision for the country will make their lives better. We hope to get a commitment to vote, of course, but a little donation doesn’t hurt either. Polls show that the 12th floor is a tossup so we’re definitely focusing on that. A lot of these people were Hillary [Clinton] supporters in 2016, but we’re not taking anything for granted, and the Wall Street demographic represents our key supporters.” At press time, several members of the Biden campaign team expressed disappointment after speaking with several bankers who said they didn’t really see a difference between the two candidates.


theonion--2020-09-22--Guy Who Asked For Personal Information Definitely Seemed Like Census Taker

BANDON , OR—Explaining that the visitor had appeared legitimate for the most part , area man Robert Moralis told reporters the guy who came to his house Tuesday and asked for his personal information definitely seemed like a census taker .
“ Anyone who wants that many details about that many areas of my life would , I think , just about have to be from the census , ” said Moralis , adding that the shaking , profusely sweating man who had what appeared to be fresh blood stains on his pants didn ’ t present any credentials identifying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did carry a clipboard and looked as if he knew what he was doing , more or less .
“ While I admit it was unexpected , considering I mailed in my census form months ago , I ’ m sure they have to send people around sometimes to ask a few follow-ups and double-check things .
He had a lot of questions about where I do my banking and was really careful to get my S ocial S ecurity number down correctly , but hey , that ’ s his job , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , too , because he kept looking over his shoulder and as soon as he was finished , he took off running.
” Moralis went on to muse over how modernized the census had become , observing that a dec ade ago they didn ’ t even bother asking you to provide a complete list of usernames and passwords for all the websites you visit .

BANDON, OR—Explaining that the visitor had appeared legitimate for the most part, area man Robert Moralis told reporters the guy who came to his house Tuesday and asked for his personal information definitely seemed like a census taker. “Anyone who wants that many details about that many areas of my life would, I think, just about have to be from the census,” said Moralis, adding that the shaking, profusely sweating man who had what appeared to be fresh blood stains on his pants didn’t present any credentials identifying himself as a census worker, but did carry a clipboard and looked as if he knew what he was doing, more or less. “While I admit it was unexpected, considering I mailed in my census form months ago, I’m sure they have to send people around sometimes to ask a few follow-ups and double-check things. He had a lot of questions about where I do my banking and was really careful to get my S ocial S ecurity number down correctly, but hey, that’s his job, right? They must keep him busy, too, because he kept looking over his shoulder and as soon as he was finished, he took off running.” Moralis went on to muse over how modernized the census had become, observing that a dec ade ago they didn’t even bother asking you to provide a complete list of usernames and passwords for all the websites you visit.


theonion--2020-09-23--Napkin Industry Under Fire For History Of Holding Greasy Slobs To Impossible Beauty Standards

After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts , hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today @ @ @ @ @ are beautiful .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

After ongoing public outcry from body positivity experts, hear why many popular napkin brands are changing their messaging today and proclaiming that gravy-stained bodies are beautiful.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-23--Xi Jinping Critic Sentenced To 18 Years In Prison

Chinese business tycoon Ren Zhiqiang was sentenced Tuesday to 18 years in prison on corruption charges , which legal observers @ @ @ @ @ penning an essay earlier this year in which he called President Xi Jinping “ a @ @ @ @ @ on continuing being emperor.
” What do you think ?
“ I can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ First Amendment like this.
” “ Before I share my opinion , let me double-check @ @ @ @ @ have any business interests there.
” “ Why is it always the business tycoons who @ @ @ @ @

Chinese business tycoon Ren Zhiqiang was sentenced Tuesday to 18 years in prison on corruption charges, which legal observers believe is likely retaliation for penning an essay earlier this year in which he called President Xi Jinping “a clown stripped naked who insisted on continuing being emperor.” What do you think?
“I can’t believe China would ignore the First Amendment like this.” Anthony Adams, Systems Analyst
“Before I share my opinion, let me double-check that I don’t have any business interests there.” Peter Jopling, Amateur Geologist
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theonion--2020-09-23--Mitt Romney Backs Filling Supreme Court Vacancy Before Election

Utah Senator Mitt Romney announced his support Tuesday for confirming a new Supreme Court Justice before the November election , @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s nominee despite publicly holding the opposite stance when President Obama nominated Merrick @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ It ’ s not fair to expect Mitt to appear @ @ @ @ @ t benefit h im.
” “ This would never have happened when RBG was alive.
@ @ @ @ @ better reevaluate my liberal heroes before Tom Cotton lets me down .
”

Utah Senator Mitt Romney announced his support Tuesday for confirming a new Supreme Court Justice before the November election, clearing the way for President Trump’s nominee despite publicly holding the opposite stance when President Obama nominated Merrick Garland in 2016. What do you think?
“It’s not fair to expect Mitt to appear principled when it doesn’t benefit h im.” Mary Langberg, Rabies Doctor
“This would never have happened when RBG was alive.” Eric Alford, Warehouse Receptionist
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theonion--2020-09-23--New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Pr

New Patriotic 1776 Commission Struggling To Find Ways To Improve Upon Education System’s Existing Propaganda

WASHINGTON—Frantically scouring textbooks to find sections in need of revision , members of President Donald Trump ’ s new patriotic @ @ @ @ @ find ways to improve upon the education system ’ s existing propaganda .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ Native Americans , but I ’ m not sure how else we could improve the @ @ @ @ @ Princeton historian Sean Wilentz , detailing the commission ’ s incremental changes to curricula , @ @ @ @ @ that John Adams , Samuel Adams , and Thomas Paine were the only Founding Fathers @ @ @ @ @ slaves .
“ We did find that most public schools don ’ t discuss the @ @ @ @ @ sew the American flag .
Other than that , there isn ’ t too much @ @ @ @ @ the Vietnam War never happened .
Or I guess we could emphasize the plight of @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , the 1776 Commission was editing a section on Abraham Lincoln @ @ @ @ @ had a gun on him ” at the time of his assassination .

WASHINGTON—Frantically scouring textbooks to find sections in need of revision, members of President Donald Trump’s new patriotic 1776 Commission struggled Wednesday to find ways to improve upon the education system’s existing propaganda. “We cut out every mention of Native Americans, but I’m not sure how else we could improve the misleading information,” said Princeton historian Sean Wilentz, detailing the commission’s incremental changes to curricula, such as omitting the fact that John Adams, Samuel Adams, and Thomas Paine were the only Founding Fathers who didn’t own slaves. “We did find that most public schools don’t discuss the men who helped Betsy Ross sew the American flag. Other than that, there isn’t too much to change unless we pretend the Vietnam War never happened. Or I guess we could emphasize the plight of former slave owners during Reconstruction.” At press time, the 1776 Commission was editing a section on Abraham Lincoln to clarify that “he had a gun on him” at the time of his assassination.


theonion--2020-09-23--Potential Outcomes For Ginsburg’s Vacant Supreme Court Seat

The passing of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has led to a flurry of speculation and controversy about what will happen with her seat so close to the presidential election and several key Senate elections .
The Onion looks at potential outcomes for the late justice ’ s vacant Supreme Court seat .
Mitch McConnell breaks down in tears after finally realizing meaning of all-caps “ MERRICK GARLAND ” tweets .
Nation ’ s fast-food companies get to work scouting current Planned Parenthood locations for future franchises .
Senate Democrats convince Republicans to wait on nominating a replacement to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her battle with death .
If the Senate confirms President Trump ’ s nominee but Joe Biden wins the election , Biden could retaliate by packing the court with elderly moderate justices .
While it strays from tradition , the Herman Miller Embody chair could offer unparalleled ergonomic support to the next justice .
To preserve Ginsburg ’ s legacy , her most influential decisions will be buried with her .
Nominees frantically crash-dieting after it ’ s discovered that Supreme Court precedent states a new justice must be able to fit into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ continues to lead all countries in Covid-19 deaths by a wide margin .

The passing of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has led to a flurry of speculation and controversy about what will happen with her seat so close to the presidential election and several key Senate elections. The Onion looks at potential outcomes for the late justice’s vacant Supreme Court seat.
Mitch McConnell breaks down in tears after finally realizing meaning of all-caps “MERRICK GARLAND” tweets.
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Nation’s fast-food companies get to work scouting current Planned Parenthood locations for future franchises.
Senate Democrats convince Republicans to wait on nominating a replacement to see if Justice Ginsburg successfully recovers from her battle with death.
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If the Senate confirms President Trump’s nominee but Joe Biden wins the election, Biden could retaliate by packing the court with elderly moderate justices.
While it strays from tradition, the Herman Miller Embody chair could offer unparalleled ergonomic support to the next justice.
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To preserve Ginsburg’s legacy, her most influential decisions will be buried with her.
Nominees frantically crash-dieting after it’s discovered that Supreme Court precedent states a new justice must be able to fit into their predecessor’s robe.
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America continues to lead all countries in Covid-19 deaths by a wide margin.
Democrats unveil a ruthless, take-no-prisoners fundraising email during the confirmation vote.


theonion--2020-09-23--Hiker Wandering Through Oregon Forest Enjoying Vibrant Reds And Golds Of Fall

SUMMER LAKE , OR—Saying the blazing orange hues always put him in a certain autumnal state of mind , local @ @ @ @ @ morning wandering through an Oregon forest to enjoy the vibrant reds and golds of fall @ @ @ @ @ ’ s incredible to get out of the city and see the beauty and splendor @ @ @ @ @ personal , ” said Sanders , exclaiming that he loved the sound of charred leaves @ @ @ @ @ approaching a nearby birch tree to enjoy the particular warmth of its radiant leaves .
@ @ @ @ @ get a chance to soak up fall ’ s spectacular displays a little earlier every @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s so bright , it ’ s almost blinding !
” At @ @ @ @ @ commented on how wonderful it was to take a deep breath and relish the scents @ @ @ @ @ into a coughing fit and collapsing to the ground .

SUMMER LAKE, OR—Saying the blazing orange hues always put him in a certain autumnal state of mind, local hiker Jeff Sanders spent Wednesday morning wandering through an Oregon forest to enjoy the vibrant reds and golds of fall. “Boy, it’s incredible to get out of the city and see the beauty and splendor of nature up close and personal,” said Sanders, exclaiming that he loved the sound of charred leaves crackling below his feet before approaching a nearby birch tree to enjoy the particular warmth of its radiant leaves. “It seems like I get a chance to soak up fall’s spectacular displays a little earlier every year, too. Gosh, it’s so bright, it’s almost blinding!” At press time, Sanders had commented on how wonderful it was to take a deep breath and relish the scents of autumn before doubling over into a coughing fit and collapsing to the ground.


theonion--2020-09-23--NASA Scientists Confirm Earth Dating The Moon

WASHINGTON—Following years of speculation by the world ’ s foremost astronomers , the National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed Monday @ @ @ @ @ the M oon .
“ The two have been seen together regularly for the past @ @ @ @ @ we have now learned that Earth and its M oon are indeed in a committed @ @ @ @ @ administrator Jim Bridenstine , adding that while the pair of astronomical objects first met shortly @ @ @ @ @ and were good friends through much of the Precambrian era , they didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ spring .
“ It ’ s a long-distance relationship as the couple are at times @ @ @ @ @ from each other , but neither one seems likely to leave the other anytime soon @ @ @ @ @ to believe there is a strong physical attraction between these two celestial bodies.
” At @ @ @ @ @ had reportedly broken up with Earth after discovering the planet had 7.8 billion children who @ @ @ @ @ out of it .

WASHINGTON—Following years of speculation by the world’s foremost astronomers, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration confirmed Monday that the Earth is dating the M oon. “The two have been seen together regularly for the past 4.5 billion years, and we have now learned that Earth and its M oon are indeed in a committed relationship,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine, adding that while the pair of astronomical objects first met shortly after the solar system coalesced and were good friends through much of the Precambrian era, they didn’t begin dating exclusively until this spring. “It’s a long-distance relationship as the couple are at times a full 252,088 miles apart from each other, but neither one seems likely to leave the other anytime soon. We have every reason to believe there is a strong physical attraction between these two celestial bodies.” At press time, the Moon had reportedly broken up with Earth after discovering the planet had 7.8 billion children who were completely sucking the life out of it.


theonion--2020-09-23--Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull H

Calf Annoyed By Mother Always Giving Guilt Trip About How Vet Had To Stick Chain Up Vagina To Pull Her Out

GLADWIN , MI—Snapping tersely at her mom for once again bringing up her complicated labor , 10-month-old cow Honeybun expressed annoyance Wednesday that her mother was always giving her a guilt trip with the story of how the vet had to stick a chain up her vagina to pull her out .
“ Oh my god , I get it already , I ’ ve been trouble since day one when you had to spend six hours in labor with a man shoulder-deep in your birth canal , ” said the heifer , adding that while she understood that having @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a pair of 5-foo t chains shoved up there wasn ’ t fun , she also didn ’ t appreciate it being used against her every time they argued .
“ Look , I know it sucked to give birth to me and that the vet and three of his assistants had to use their combined weight to yank me out , but I didn ’ t ask to be born .
Sorry my brothers and sisters just kind of fell out of you directly onto the ground , maybe that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ child.
” At press time , the cow had stormed off after her mother said she couldn ’ t wait until Honeybun had selfish , ungrateful calves of her own .

GLADWIN, MI—Snapping tersely at her mom for once again bringing up her complicated labor, 10-month-old cow Honeybun expressed annoyance Wednesday that her mother was always giving her a guilt trip with the story of how the vet had to stick a chain up her vagina to pull her out. “Oh my god, I get it already, I’ve been trouble since day one when you had to spend six hours in labor with a man shoulder-deep in your birth canal,” said the heifer, adding that while she understood that having a cold, metal calf jack and a pair of 5-foo t chains shoved up there wasn’t fun, she also didn’t appreciate it being used against her every time they argued. “Look, I know it sucked to give birth to me and that the vet and three of his assistants had to use their combined weight to yank me out, but I didn’t ask to be born. Sorry my brothers and sisters just kind of fell out of you directly onto the ground, maybe that’s why I’m such a bad child.” At press time, the cow had stormed off after her mother said she couldn’t wait until Honeybun had selfish, ungrateful calves of her own.


theonion--2020-09-23--Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘

Major Letdown: It Looks Like The Witch Who Hexed Us To Be Infertile Until There Are 20 Main Series ‘Zelda’ Games Considers The New ‘Breath Of The Wild’ Prequel To Be A Spinoff

Well , this is a huge bummer , gamers , but it ’ s looking like the witch who hexed us to be infertile until there are 20 main- series Zelda games considers the new Breath Of The Wild prequel to be a spinoff .
Oof .
This is obviously a big drag for everyone who was hoping that we could finally break the cursed ties that bind us and give birth to a beautiful child !
We were as thrilled as anybody in June of 2019 when Nintendo first announced Hyrule Warriors : Age Of Calamity at a Nintendo @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after traveling deep in the woods to the hovel where we first crossed paths with Glynwynda Of The Fens that fateful day , she shoved her bony finger in our faces and confirmed with devilish glee that since the game exists in a separate universe it can ’ t strictly be considered canon .
We have to admit , we were pretty blindsided by this , readers .
Obviously , we ’ d never try to claim something like Super Smash Bros counted as a Zelda game because it contains characters from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ CD entries like Zelda : The Faces Of Evil and Zelda : The Wand Of Gamelon should be included , but at this point , we can ’ t help but feeling like the miserable crone is being a real stickler .
Yes , it ’ s pretty disappointing , especially since we have always dreamed of giving birth to a beautiful baby girl , and now it looks like our dream will never come true .
The only real good news is that Age Of Calamity seems pretty fun .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ settings , and objects Zelda fans will love—although it doesn ’ t have any of the signature puzzles or dungeons that would finally fulfill the terms of the magical bargain and give our mother the grandchild she so desperately wants .
On the whole , it looks like a fun and creative way to keep us from thinking about the youthful hubris that led us to mock a wizened old hag for getting killed in the first level of the NES ’ Legend Of Zelda all those years ago .
All in all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our appetite for the next official Zelda game .
Here ’ s hoping Nintendo will be releasing the Breath Of The Wild sequel soon , or that we can locate the powerful enchanted Amulet of Rapacity to finally banish Glynwynda back to the depths of Hell !

Well, this is a huge bummer, gamers, but it’s looking like the witch who hexed us to be infertile until there are 20 main- series Zelda games considers the new Breath Of The Wild prequel to be a spinoff.
Oof. This is obviously a big drag for everyone who was hoping that we could finally break the cursed ties that bind us and give birth to a beautiful child!
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We were as thrilled as anybody in June of 2019 when Nintendo first announced Hyrule Warriors: Age Of Calamity at a Nintendo Direct event. Unfortunately, though, after traveling deep in the woods to the hovel where we first crossed paths with Glynwynda Of The Fens that fateful day, she shoved her bony finger in our faces and confirmed with devilish glee that since the game exists in a separate universe it can’t strictly be considered canon.
We have to admit, we were pretty blindsided by this, readers. Obviously, we’d never try to claim something like Super Smash Bros counted as a Zelda game because it contains characters from the series, or even that the Phillips-developed CD entries like Zelda: The Faces Of Evil and Zelda: The Wand Of Gamelon should be included, but at this point, we can’t help but feeling like the miserable crone is being a real stickler.
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Yes, it’s pretty disappointing, especially since we have always dreamed of giving birth to a beautiful baby girl, and now it looks like our dream will never come true. The only real good news is that Age Of Calamity seems pretty fun. It’s got all the classic characters, settings, and objects Zelda fans will love—although it doesn’t have any of the signature puzzles or dungeons that would finally fulfill the terms of the magical bargain and give our mother the grandchild she so desperately wants. On the whole, it looks like a fun and creative way to keep us from thinking about the youthful hubris that led us to mock a wizened old hag for getting killed in the first level of the NES’ Legend Of Zelda all those years ago.
All in all, Age Of Calamity has really whetted our appetite for the next official Zelda game. Here’s hoping Nintendo will be releasing the Breath Of The Wild sequel soon, or that we can locate the powerful enchanted Amulet of Rapacity to finally banish Glynwynda back to the depths of Hell!


theonion--2020-09-24--Real Estate Experts Confirm Having George Clooney Living In Attic Greatly Increases Property Value

It ’ s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home .
We have everything @ @ @ @ @ making the investment and adding the actor , director , and two-time Sexiest Man Alive @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It’s the simple and surefire way to increase the resale value of your home. We have everything you need to know before making the investment and adding the actor, director, and two-time Sexiest Man Alive.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-24--Rare Books Stolen In Heist Found Under House In Romania

Police in Romania uncovered $ 3.2 million in rare books and manuscripts including first editions of works by Isaac Newton @ @ @ @ @ a secret compartment underneath a house , which authorities believe were stolen in a London @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Still , for three years it was a really @ @ @ @ @ That ’ s a lot of trouble to go to for some old books considering @ @ @ @ @ on Wikipedia.
” “ Wow , that sounds like something ripped straight from the plot @ @ @ @ @ book .
”

Police in Romania uncovered $3.2 million in rare books and manuscripts including first editions of works by Isaac Newton and Galileo Galilei hidden in a secret compartment underneath a house, which authorities believe were stolen in a London warehouse heist in 2017. What do you think?
“Still, for three years it was a really good hiding spot.” Jacob Marcontel • Glass Blower
“That’s a lot of trouble to go to for some old books considering the same info is probably on Wikipedia.” Norman Young • Embossing Technician
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theonion--2020-09-24--California To Ban Sales Of New Gas-Powered Cars By 2035

California governor Gavin Newsom signed an executive order Wednesday that would outlaw the sale of new gas-powered cars and pickup @ @ @ @ @ an effort to combat global warming .
What do you think ?
“ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ h ave found a new way to pollute California by then.
” “ But I @ @ @ @ @ good things about the 2036 Chevy Tahoe.
” “ So what will my car run @ @ @ @ @ some kind ?
”

California governor Gavin Newsom signed an executive order Wednesday that would outlaw the sale of new gas-powered cars and pickup trucks starting in 2035 in an effort to combat global warming. What do you think?
“I’m optimistic we’ll h ave found a new way to pollute California by then.” Shannon Leong • Grass Seed Salesperson
“But I’d already heard such good things about the 2036 Chevy Tahoe.” Danny Haveron • Candy Historian
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theonion--2020-09-24--Literary Journal Founded By Couple Of College Acquaintances To Cease Publication

NEW YORK—Citing high operating costs and a continued industry trend away from physical media , the founders and editors-in-chief of Alethia , a literary journal created by a couple people who went to college together , announced Thursday that it would be ceasing publication .
“ It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that the Fall 2020 issue will be our last , but we want to express our gratitude to our devoted readers who have been with us ever since our founding in 2017 , ” said editor Murat Dunny , sharing his appreciation to all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s mission of fostering an artistic dialogue through a unique mix of poetry , fiction , and screenplays written exclusively by members of his alma mater .
“ Though our run did not last as long as we had anticipated , we nonetheless provided an important artistic home for some classmates we knew who received our email asking for submissions .
Since its inception , Alethia has striven always to take inspiration from the journal ’ s unofficial mascot , Calliope , the muse of epic poetry , and seek out the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and so we want to say thank you to everyone who thumbed through an issue in our college ’ s bookstore or received a free copy for donating to our GoFundMe for sharing this incredible journey with us.
” Dunny added his hope that the journal ’ s legacy would live on in the form of two current seniors talking about starting a flash fiction zine after they graduated .

NEW YORK—Citing high operating costs and a continued industry trend away from physical media, the founders and editors-in-chief of Alethia, a literary journal created by a couple people who went to college together, announced Thursday that it would be ceasing publication. “It is with a heavy heart that we must announce that the Fall 2020 issue will be our last, but we want to express our gratitude to our devoted readers who have been with us ever since our founding in 2017,” said editor Murat Dunny, sharing his appreciation to all those who had believed in the journal’s mission of fostering an artistic dialogue through a unique mix of poetry, fiction, and screenplays written exclusively by members of his alma mater. “Though our run did not last as long as we had anticipated, we nonetheless provided an important artistic home for some classmates we knew who received our email asking for submissions. Since its inception, Alethia has striven always to take inspiration from the journal’s unofficial mascot, Calliope, the muse of epic poetry, and seek out the ecstatic harmony of the artistic voice, and so we want to say thank you to everyone who thumbed through an issue in our college’s bookstore or received a free copy for donating to our GoFundMe for sharing this incredible journey with us.” Dunny added his hope that the journal’s legacy would live on in the form of two current seniors talking about starting a flash fiction zine after they graduated.


theonion--2020-09-24--Fantasy Football Week 3: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

With a rash of injuries to fantasy stars like Saquon Barkley and Christian McCaffrey , NFL Week 3 is going to be an unpredictable roller coaster ride .
Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to lend a helping hand with his top players to start or sit .
• Mitchell Trubisky ( QB ) : Look , Mitch is already pretty down on himself , so starting him would really boost his spirits .
• Alvin Kamara ( RB ) : A tremendously selfish back who will demand a lot of touches in the Saints offense .
• @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is won in the mind , and this move will be sure to baffle and weird out your opponent .
• Rob Gronkowski ( TE ) : Expect Tom Brady to play favorites and find his old teammate , even at the expense of making new friends .
• Josh Allen ( QB ) : It says here that he ’ s scored a lot of points so far this season , so that ’ s got ta mean something .
• Mike Davis ( RB ) : Teams that lost Christian McCaffrey @ @ @ @ @ @ @ same production from his backup whose name they learned this week .
• Matt Ryan ( QB ) : He has a dermatologist appointment right before the game and he might not make it in time .
• DeAndre Hopkins ( WR ) : Hopkins seems like a lock as a stud receiver against an exploitable Detroit secondary , but have you considered overthinking it ?
• Rodrigo Blankenship ( K ) : The rookie kicker from the University of Georgia still hasn ’ t quite acclimated to the slower rotation of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
• Gardner Minshew ( QB ) : Can lead the team down the field with his arm or his legs , but lacks same ability with hips , teeth , or other game-changing body parts .
• Emmanuel Sanders ( WR ) : Drew Brees hasn ’ t connected much with the 11-year pro , which just says a lot about how Brees continues to disrespect our veterans .
• Travis Kelce ( TE ) : Kelce is easily one of the best tight ends in football , but he was really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and it would just be kind of thoughtful if you let him rest this week .
Empathy goes a long way as a manager .

With a rash of injuries to fantasy stars like Saquon Barkley and Christian McCaffrey, NFL Week 3 is going to be an unpredictable roller coaster ride. Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski is here to lend a helping hand with his top players to start or sit.
Start ’Em
Mitchell Trubisky (QB) : Look, Mitch is already pretty down on himself, so starting him would really boost his spirits.
: Look, Mitch is already pretty down on himself, so starting him would really boost his spirits. Alvin Kamara (RB) : A tremendously selfish back who will demand a lot of touches in the Saints offense.
: A tremendously selfish back who will demand a lot of touches in the Saints offense. Sam Darnold (QB) : Fantasy is won in the mind, and this move will be sure to baffle and weird out your opponent.
: Fantasy is won in the mind, and this move will be sure to baffle and weird out your opponent. Rob Gronkowski (TE) : Expect Tom Brady to play favorites and find his old teammate, even at the expense of making new friends.
: Expect Tom Brady to play favorites and find his old teammate, even at the expense of making new friends. Josh Allen (QB) : It says here that he’s scored a lot of points so far this season, so that’s gotta mean something.
: It says here that he’s scored a lot of points so far this season, so that’s gotta mean something. Mike Davis (RB): Teams that lost Christian McCaffrey to injury can confidently expect the exact same production from his backup whose name they learned this week.
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Sit ’Em
Matt Ryan (QB): He has a dermatologist appointment right before the game and he might not make it in time.


theonion--2020-09-24--Undecided Voter Silently Crouching Inside Drain Pipe As Convoy Of Political Analysts Passes Overhead

CANTON , OH—In an effort to conceal himself from sight , local undecided voter Jeff McNealy reportedly crouched inside a concrete drain pipe Thursday and remained completely silent as he waited for a convoy of political analysts and reporters to pass by on the road above .
“ I ’ m just praying that swarm of election correspondents doesn ’ t check down here , put a microphone in my face , and ask which way I ’ m leaning , ” McNealy whispered as he crawled through the dark , wet tunnel in hopes of losing the pundits who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , park , and farmers market in the nation as they attempt to gauge the mood of voters still on the fence in the presidential race .
“ I think I threw them off my trail , but you never know .
One false move and I ’ m in for hours of unrelenting interrogation about whether the pandemic , the economy , or court appointments will be weighing most heavily upon my mind when I head to the polls in November .
I ’ d best follow this sewer pipe as far @ @ @ @ @ @ @ survive down here until Election Day.
” At press time , sources confirmed a TV news chopper was combing the area with a searchlight following reports that an Obama-to-Trump voter had been spotted .

CANTON, OH—In an effort to conceal himself from sight, local undecided voter Jeff McNealy reportedly crouched inside a concrete drain pipe Thursday and remained completely silent as he waited for a convoy of political analysts and reporters to pass by on the road above. “I’m just praying that swarm of election correspondents doesn’t check down here, put a microphone in my face, and ask which way I’m leaning,” McNealy whispered as he crawled through the dark, wet tunnel in hopes of losing the pundits who have tirelessly staked out every swing-state diner, park, and farmers market in the nation as they attempt to gauge the mood of voters still on the fence in the presidential race. “I think I threw them off my trail, but you never know. One false move and I’m in for hours of unrelenting interrogation about whether the pandemic, the economy, or court appointments will be weighing most heavily upon my mind when I head to the polls in November. I’d best follow this sewer pipe as far as it goes and hope I can survive down here until Election Day.” At press time, sources confirmed a TV news chopper was combing the area with a searchlight following reports that an Obama-to-Trump voter had been spotted.


theonion--2020-09-24--Rob Manfred Confident MLB Doing Enough To Market Stars Like Mike Trout And The Japanese Guy

NEW YORK—Downplaying reports that youth interest in the sport was steadily declining , commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Thursday that he was confident that the MLB was doing enough to market its star players such as Mike Trout and “ Japanese guy.
” “ We know that stars help sell the sport and that ’ s why we ’ re putting all our resources behind that Dominican dude , Aaron something , and that guy with the beard who is real good , ” said Manfred , crediting Clayton Kershaw and “ some of the other Dodgers ” as bonafide @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on a global scale .
“ Some people might say that we no longer have household names , but that clearly isn ’ t true when you look at a guy like the second or third baseman of the Mets .
We can definitely do more community outreach projects to put that one guy in front of young people , but we ’ re doing just fine .
I ’ m always encouraged to see how many Number 55 jerseys are flying off the shelves these days .
Plus , I just saw @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Nike commercial , so that ’ s a pretty good sign.
” Manfred ended his press conference by saying that as long as Derek Jeter was still playing , baseball would always have a recognizable face of the sport .

NEW YORK—Downplaying reports that youth interest in the sport was steadily declining, commissioner Rob Manfred told reporters Thursday that he was confident that the MLB was doing enough to market its star players such as Mike Trout and “Japanese guy.” “We know that stars help sell the sport and that’s why we’re putting all our resources behind that Dominican dude, Aaron something, and that guy with the beard who is real good,” said Manfred, crediting Clayton Kershaw and “some of the other Dodgers” as bonafide superstars who can help grow the game on a global scale. “Some people might say that we no longer have household names, but that clearly isn’t true when you look at a guy like the second or third baseman of the Mets. We can definitely do more community outreach projects to put that one guy in front of young people, but we’re doing just fine. I’m always encouraged to see how many Number 55 jerseys are flying off the shelves these days. Plus, I just saw a somebody holding a bat in a Nike commercial, so that’s a pretty good sign.” Manfred ended his press conference by saying that as long as Derek Jeter was still playing, baseball would always have a recognizable face of the sport.


theonion--2020-09-25--‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friend

‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friends In Crowded Indoor Restaurant

ALEXANDRIA , VA—Feeling overtaxed from all the ways the Covid-19 pandemic had impacted her life , local 34-year-old Anne Theisen reportedly said “ I can ’ t wait for things to get back to normal ” Friday night while dining with her friends in a crowded indoor restaurant .
“ Ugh , how much longer is this going to go on ?
” said Theisen , who vented her frustrations to her three closest friends over drinks and appetizers at the group ’ s favorite hangout spot , which they had frequented an average of three to four times a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has been awful .
I can ’ t take it anymore .
I just feel so isolated all of the time [ outside my regular gatherings with family and friends every weekend and most weeknights ] .
I miss going to stores , bars , and restaurants [ like the one we ’ re in ] so much .
God , it ’ ll be so nice when this is all over [ and I can continue doing what I ’ m doing now ] .
” At press time , Theisen added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ last time she had seen her parents , which was earlier this week .

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Feeling overtaxed from all the ways the Covid-19 pandemic had impacted her life, local 34-year-old Anne Theisen reportedly said “I can’t wait for things to get back to normal” Friday night while dining with her friends in a crowded indoor restaurant. “Ugh, how much longer is this going to go on?” said Theisen, who vented her frustrations to her three closest friends over drinks and appetizers at the group’s favorite hangout spot, which they had frequented an average of three to four times a month since June. “This pandemic has been awful. I can’t take it anymore. I just feel so isolated all of the time [outside my regular gatherings with family and friends every weekend and most weeknights]. I miss going to stores, bars, and restaurants [like the one we’re in] so much. God, it’ll be so nice when this is all over [and I can continue doing what I’m doing now].” At press time, Theisen added she couldn’t even remember the last time she had seen her parents, which was earlier this week.


theonion--2020-09-25--Russia Arrests Cult Leader ‘Jesus Of Siberia’

Russian authorities on Tuesday arrested 59-year-old Sergei Torop , who calls himself Vissarion the Teacher and who claims to be @ @ @ @ @ in a remote Siberian hamlet where he lives with thousands of his followers .
What @ @ @ @ @ Okay , but I ’ m gon na keep venerating him as my Lord and @ @ @ @ @ on the safe side.
” “ Well , we obviously can ’ t both be @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Nice try , but I ’ m pretty sure Jesus was in his @ @ @

Russian authorities on Tuesday arrested 59-year-old Sergei Torop, who calls himself Vissarion the Teacher and who claims to be the reincarnation of Jesus, in a remote Siberian hamlet where he lives with thousands of his followers. What do you think?
“Okay, but I’m gonna keep venerating him as my Lord and Savior just to b e on the safe side.” Camille Patterson • Cloak Advocate
“ Well, we obviously can’t both be the reincarnation of Jesus. ” Dean Groebe • Decoupage Artist
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theonion--2020-09-25--Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall

Most Anticipated Games Of The Fall

Spelunky 2 : Do you like rogue-likes ?
How about online co-op ?
Do you have a distinctive rattlesnake neck @ @ @ @ @ you bastard , we finally have you .
That ’ s right .
This slide @ @ @ @ @ get a cowardly little shit like you to come out of hiding and reveal your @ @ @ @ @ ve been searching for you for a long time , and we ’ re going @ @ @ @ @ what you did to our family .

Spelunky 2: Do you like rogue-likes? How about online co-op? Do you have a distinctive rattlesnake neck tattoo? All right, you bastard, we finally have you. That’s right. This slide was just a front to get a cowardly little shit like you to come out of hiding and reveal your true personality. We’ve been searching for you for a long time, and we’re going to make you suffer for what you did to our family.


theonion--2020-09-25--Epic Games, Spotify, Match Group Band Together To Fight Apple’s App Store Policies

Spotify , along with the developers behind Tinder and Fortnite , have announced a new nonprofit called the Coalition for @ @ @ @ @ changes to Apple ’ s app store policies , which the group claims are anti-competitive @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ Why don ’ t these companies just form their @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I love when corporations fight over who gets to screw me more.
” @ @ @ @ @ painful to watch all my best friends fight .
”

Spotify, along with the developers behind Tinder and Fortnite, have announced a new nonprofit called the Coalition for App Fairness that seeks regulatory changes to Apple’s app store policies, which the group claims are anti-competitive and bad for consumers. What do you think?
“Why don ’t these companies just form their own Apple app store?” Elijah Montgomery • Systems Analyst
“I love when corporations fight over who gets to screw me more.” CJ Zilberman • Distillation Expert
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theonion--2020-09-25--The Onion’s Guide To Streaming Services

The Onion’s Guide To Streaming Services

Streaming services have proliferated in recent years as content-watching habits change , and it can be hard to choose from @ @ @ @ @ help , The Onion has compiled a guide to the various content streaming services .
@ @ @ @ @ to access shows that aren ’ t on Netflix .
Sling : Same shows as @ @ @ @ @ you buy from your cable provider .
Shudder : Horror-themed streaming service that allows users @ @ @ @ @ scrolling for hours and hours without ever finding a recognizable title .
Quibi : Your @ @ @ @ @ the low price of about $ 300 million .
Peacock : If you love birdwatching @ @ @ @ @ , very disappointed by the content Peacock has to offer .
Mubi : A collection @ @ @ @ @ to play on mute at warehouse parties .
Disney+ : Eventually there will just be @ @ @

Streaming services have proliferated in recent years as content-watching habits change, and it can be hard to choose from all the options. To help, The Onion has compiled a guide to the various content streaming services.
Hulu: The best place to access shows that aren’t on Netflix.
Sling: Same shows as cable but over spotty internet you buy from your cable provider.
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Shudder: Horror-themed streaming service that allows users to experience the nightmare of scrolling for hours and hours without ever finding a recognizable title.
Netflix: Hosts a vast library of email accounts people fabricated to score free 30-day trials.
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Amazon Prime: Has Guarding Tess right now.
Quibi: Your own streaming service, for the low price of about $300 million.
YouTube Premium: Offers a wide array of exclusive, ad-free right-wing radicalization videos.
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Peacock: If you love birdwatching, prepare to be very, very disappointed by the content Peacock has to offer.
Mubi: A collection of arthouse and independent films to play on mute at warehouse parties.
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Disney+: Eventually there will just be this one.


theonion--2020-09-25--Reporter Presses Biden On Lack Of Own Plan To Trigger Widespread Violence

WASHINGTON—Questioning the former vice president ’ s preparedness for the nation ’ s highest office , CNN reporter Jim Acosta @ @ @ @ @ Friday on his lack of a plan to trigger widespread violence across the U.S. “ @ @ @ @ @ away from the election and yet you still haven ’ t offered your own comprehensive @ @ @ @ @ continue to be killed and brutalized in the streets , ” said Acosta , urging @ @ @ @ @ the concrete steps he would take as president to provoke bloodshed on a massive scale @ @ @ @ @ it send to voters when you criticize President Trump ’ s actions without offering a @ @ @ @ @ citizens to the point that fear of bodily harm becomes a fact of daily life @ @ @ @ @ to critique Biden for never publicly disavowing the hordes of immigrants illegally casting ballots for @ @

WASHINGTON—Questioning the former vice president’s preparedness for the nation’s highest office, CNN reporter Jim Acosta pressed presidential candidate Joe Biden Friday on his lack of a plan to trigger widespread violence across the U.S. “Sir, we are weeks away from the election and yet you still haven’t offered your own comprehensive policies to ensure that Americans continue to be killed and brutalized in the streets,” said Acosta, urging the Democratic nominee to highlight the concrete steps he would take as president to provoke bloodshed on a massive scale. “What message does it send to voters when you criticize President Trump’s actions without offering a contrasting vision for terrorizing vulnerable citizens to the point that fear of bodily harm becomes a fact of daily life?” Acosta went on to critique Biden for never publicly disavowing the hordes of immigrants illegally casting ballots for him.


theonion--2020-09-25--Tom Perez Warns He Will Detonate Explosive Vest At Midnight Unless Democrats Meet Fundraising Goal

WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost campaign contributions before election day , Tom Perez warned Friday that he will detonate his @ @ @ @ @ Democrats meet their fundraising goal .
“ As the election quickly approaches , we urge @ @ @ @ @ quickly to ensure that I don ’ t blow myself up in a crowded public @ @ @ @ @ DNC chair , explaining that even a small donation of $ 5 or $ 10 @ @ @ @ @ toward preventing hundreds of lives being senselessly lost in a preventable suicide bombing .
“ @ @ @ @ @ Biden and vulnerable Democratic senators are at risk of being turned to a smoldering pile @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Perez ’ s threat to kill himself if the goal was @ @ @ @ @ donations to drop significantly .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to boost campaign contributions before election day, Tom Perez warned Friday that he will detonate his explosive vest at midnight unless Democrats meet their fundraising goal. “As the election quickly approaches, we urge our supporters to please act quickly to ensure that I don’t blow myself up in a crowded public place,” said the DNC chair, explaining that even a small donation of $5 or $10 would go a long way toward preventing hundreds of lives being senselessly lost in a preventable suicide bombing. “Without your monetary support, Biden and vulnerable Democratic senators are at risk of being turned to a smoldering pile of ash and bone.” At press time, Perez’s threat to kill himself if the goal was not met had caused DNC donations to drop significantly.


theonion--2020-09-25--Bill Barr Declares Ipswich Middle School Anarchist Jurisdiction After Finding ‘Circle-A’ Symbol Draw

Bill Barr Declares Ipswich Middle School Anarchist Jurisdiction After Finding ‘Circle-A’ Symbol Drawn On Notebook Cover

IPSWICH , MA—In an effort to restore the rule of law , Attorney General Bill Barr declared Ipswich Middle School @ @ @ @ @ finding a circle-A symbol scrawled on a notebook cover .
“ We ’ ve discovered @ @ @ @ @ school is a hotbed of left-wing extremism , ” said Barr of the anarchist symbol @ @ @ @ @ onto the spiral- bound notebook in ink along with several interior lined pages containing a @ @ @ @ @ number 666 .
“ Ipswich School District administrators have clearly allowed this junior high to @ @ @ @ @ and violence flourish .
The Department of Justice will not tolerate this dangerous radicalism .
@ @ @ @ @ any sense , they ’ ll deploy the National Guard to this building immediately.
” @ @ @ @ @ had pledged to cut whatever smidgen of federal funding the public school was receiving .

IPSWICH, MA—In an effort to restore the rule of law, Attorney General Bill Barr declared Ipswich Middle School an anarchist jurisdiction Friday after finding a circle-A symbol scrawled on a notebook cover. “We’ve discovered verifiable evidence that this middle school is a hotbed of left-wing extremism,” said Barr of the anarchist symbol, which was discovered sketched onto the spiral- bound notebook in ink along with several interior lined pages containing a crudely drawn penis and the number 666. “Ipswich School District administrators have clearly allowed this junior high to become a place where chaos and violence flourish. The Department of Justice will not tolerate this dangerous radicalism. If these Democratic leaders have any sense, they’ll deploy the National Guard to this building immediately.” At press time, Barr had pledged to cut whatever smidgen of federal funding the public school was receiving.


theonion--2020-09-25--Ornithologists Attribute Owls’ Nocturnal Lifestyle To Hard Cocaine Habit

Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear what led researchers to conclude that the bird of prey is absolutely gaga for booger sugar.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-25--Fox News Slams Democrats For Repeatedly Attempting To Undermine Confidence In Autocratic System

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the party ’ s rhetoric around the upcoming election was way out of line , Fox News pundits slammed Democrats Friday for repeatedly attempting to undermine confidence in the nation ’ s autocratic system .
“ Anyone questioning what President Trump will do on election night or afterwards is participating in a very dangerous effort to get Americans to mistrust the basic tenets of this country ’ s autocracy , ” said Sean Hannity on his broadcast , sharply criticizing Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer , House Speaker Nancy Pelosi , and other Democratic leaders for inferring that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of American autocracy like the supreme executive leader and the peaceful consolidation of power .
“ The Democrats ’ rhetoric is exactly why so many people in this country feel like they can ’ t even trust the autocratic system .
The entire one-party system we live under will disintegrate before our eyes if people lose faith in the process .
Fortunately , the autocratic process in this country is very strong , so it ’ ll take more than a few critical words to destroy it , but what they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ country is an autocracy , okay ?
It just is .
If you don ’ t like it , you can go to Scandinavia.
” At press time , the Democrats responded that they refused to let Trump and the Republicans try to ruin the future of the nation ’ s plutocracy .

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the party’s rhetoric around the upcoming election was way out of line, Fox News pundits slammed Democrats Friday for repeatedly attempting to undermine confidence in the nation’s autocratic system. “Anyone questioning what President Trump will do on election night or afterwards is participating in a very dangerous effort to get Americans to mistrust the basic tenets of this country’s autocracy,” said Sean Hannity on his broadcast, sharply criticizing Senate majority leader Chuck Schumer, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, and other Democratic leaders for inferring that their party would attempt to subvert bedrocks of American autocracy like the supreme executive leader and the peaceful consolidation of power. “The Democrats’ rhetoric is exactly why so many people in this country feel like they can’t even trust the autocratic system. The entire one-party system we live under will disintegrate before our eyes if people lose faith in the process. Fortunately, the autocratic process in this country is very strong, so it’ll take more than a few critical words to destroy it, but what they’re doing is flagrant and dangerous. Our country is an autocracy, okay? It just is. If you don’t like it, you can go to Scandinavia.” At press time, the Democrats responded that they refused to let Trump and the Republicans try to ruin the future of the nation’s plutocracy.


theonion--2020-09-28--Biden Removes ‘Defeating Trump’ From Platform To Avoid Alienating Swing Voters

WILMINGTON , DE—In an effort to improve outreach ahead of the upcoming presidential election , the Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that it was removing “ defeating Trump ” from its platform to avoid alienating swing voters .
“ This election is a time when we all need to come together , not cause divisiveness by focusing on trying to oust a candidate who millions of Americans support , ” said Biden , the Democratic presidential nominee , announcing that he was removing all mention of trying to beat the incumbent Republican president from his campaign website and subsequent speeches @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ a central part of my campaign platform going to play with Trump supporters ?
Trump voters are a huge constituency , especially in crucial swing states like Pennsylvania and Wisconsin , and it ’ s going to be tough to win them over if we keep alienating them with our rhetoric .
We want a broad coalition here , which includes Trump supporters , and so going forward we ’ re eliminating any negative remarks about Donald Trump in campaign ads and speeches .
It ’ s time to take a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simply not what the Biden campaign stands for.
” Reports from the Biden campaign also indicated that strategists were gaming out how many swing-state Trump supporters they would win over if they formally endorsed the president ’ s reelection .

WILMINGTON, DE—In an effort to improve outreach ahead of the upcoming presidential election, the Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that it was removing “defeating Trump” from its platform to avoid alienating swing voters. “This election is a time when we all need to come together, not cause divisiveness by focusing on trying to oust a candidate who millions of Americans support,” said Biden, the Democratic presidential nominee, announcing that he was removing all mention of trying to beat the incumbent Republican president from his campaign website and subsequent speeches. “How is making ‘defeat Trump’ a central part of my campaign platform going to play with Trump supporters? Trump voters are a huge constituency, especially in crucial swing states like Pennsylvania and Wisconsin, and it’s going to be tough to win them over if we keep alienating them with our rhetoric. We want a broad coalition here, which includes Trump supporters, and so going forward we’re eliminating any negative remarks about Donald Trump in campaign ads and speeches. It’s time to take a stand and say that defeating Trump is simply not what the Biden campaign stands for.” Reports from the Biden campaign also indicated that strategists were gaming out how many swing-state Trump supporters they would win over if they formally endorsed the president’s reelection.


theonion--2020-09-28--Disney World On Lockdown After Mickey Escapes Enclosure, Rampages Through Park

Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast .
You can find The @ @ @ @ @ Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear what steps Disney workers are taking to keep parkgoers safe from the bloodthirsty beast.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-28--Botticelli Portrait Expected To Sell For Over $80 Million

A 550-year-old painting of a young nobleman by Renaissance master Sandro Botticelli is expected to sell for well over $ @ @ @ @ @ to auction next year , due in part to it being one of just 12 @ @ @ @ @ artist .
What do you think ?
“ It seems like it would be a @ @ @ @ @ money on 16,000 Thomas Kinkades .
”

A 550-year-old painting of a young nobleman by Renaissance master Sandro Botticelli is expected to sell for well over $80 million when it goes to auction next year, due in part to it being one of just 12 known portraits attributed to the artist. What do you think?
“It seems like it would be a better deal to spend that money on 16,000 Thomas Kinkades.” Angela Gentzle • Pill Counter
“This is the perfect piece to liven up the storage facility.” Adam LeKae • Coffee Roaster
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theonion--2020-09-28--Trump Nominates Judge Amy Coney Barrett To Supreme Court

President Trump announced Judge Amy Coney Barrett as his nominee for the Supreme Court , a former clerk for Justice @ @ @ @ @ would be the youngest justice on the court if she is confirmed .
What do @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not rush to judgment purely because of her horrible record.
” “ Any @ @ @ @ @ will be replacing ?
”

President Trump announced Judge Amy Coney Barrett as his nominee for the Supreme Court, a former clerk for Justice Antonin Scalia who at 48 would be the youngest justice on the court if she is confirmed. What do you think?
“Let’s not rush to judgment purely because of her horrible record.” Donald Gent • Acids Specialist
“I’ll save my outrage for the inevitable confirmation.” Lisa Montoya • Foliage Expert
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theonion--2020-09-28--GOP Says Giving Trump Second Term Would Be Christian Act Of Charity For Poor Elderly Man

WASHINGTON—Observing that scripture calls upon the faithful to care for the downtrodden and dispossessed , top GOP leaders argued Monday that giving President Donald Trump a second term would be a Christian act of charity for a poor , elderly man .
“ The First Epistle of John tells us God ’ s love abides in those who open their hearts to a brother in need—so surely , as followers of Christ , we can not turn this impoverished man out of his office , ” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell , who explained that the reelection of Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the penniless vagrant with housing , a hot meal every day , and a sense of purpose .
“ Just ask yourselves , what would the Lord do if He came upon an ailing , impoverished man such as our president ?
To stay upon the righteous path , we must give Donald Trump another four years in the White House .
It ’ ll take at least that long for him to get back on his feet.
” McConnell went on to emphasize that without America ’ s help , the poor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s chief executive could one day end up in jail .

WASHINGTON—Observing that scripture calls upon the faithful to care for the downtrodden and dispossessed, top GOP leaders argued Monday that giving President Donald Trump a second term would be a Christian act of charity for a poor, elderly man. “The First Epistle of John tells us God’s love abides in those who open their hearts to a brother in need—so surely, as followers of Christ, we cannot turn this impoverished man out of his office,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, who explained that the reelection of Trump would fulfill a sacred duty by providing the penniless vagrant with housing, a hot meal every day, and a sense of purpose. “Just ask yourselves, what would the Lord do if He came upon an ailing, impoverished man such as our president? To stay upon the righteous path, we must give Donald Trump another four years in the White House. It’ll take at least that long for him to get back on his feet.” McConnell went on to emphasize that without America’s help, the poor man who serves as the nation’s chief executive could one day end up in jail.


theonion--2020-09-28--BREAKING: ‘The Onion’ Has Obtained The IRS Tax Form 1040

The duty of a free press has always been to provide readers with a comprehensive and unvarnished picture of the world writ large .
Though governments and their officials may strive to conceal vital documents from the public eye , The Onion insists that true journalism consists in shedding light upon even the darkest corners of our society .
That is why today , thanks to the intrepid actions of one anonymous source , our editorial board has chosen to reveal that it possesses a copy of the IRS tax form 1040 .
The revelations from these pages are , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Since receiving the tax form—often considered one of the most hotly sought-after records in recent American history—our substantial team of 327 fact-checkers , reporters , and legal experts have spent tireless nights to trawl through its depths , extracting explosive details about the function of standardized deductions for heads of household and married couples filing separately .
Although the 1040 form pages fell into our editorial department ’ s hands in early 2019 , it has taken nearly 18 months of around-the-clock examination to fully grasp its precise scale and ramification for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tells a far different and potentially more damning story than the rumor mill surrounding the 1040 have suggested : earned income credit , Alaska Permanent Fund dividends , dependents .
For years , the role of such terms—long presumed by our editorial board to be crucial components in understanding income tax filing—have been discounted as overblown hearsay .
Yet here , they offer tantalizing glimpses at a larger whole , filling in the picture to render a dizzying understanding of precisely how and why an individual would file , say , using joint @ @ @ @ @ @ @ publish our understanding of these records despite the extraordinary legal and physical threats that we will likely face .
Additionally , in a contentious election year between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joseph R. Biden we will surely face blowback from pundits for potentially upending the race with the explosive details about the form ’ s “ wages , salaries tips , etc ... ” section and what it implies about the elusive form known only as W-2 .
Of course , uncertainties will continue to dog our investigation : Namely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the form 8888 ?
And how does “ adjusted gross income ” differ from “ taxable income ” ?
What is the total income after adding lines 1 , 2b , 3b , 4b , 4d , 5b , 6 , and 7a ?
Such answers lie beyond our power as faithful custodians of the truth to furnish without delving into the rank speculation that has long plagued other lesser news outlets .
Nonetheless , we are confident that publication of the form known as 1040 represents the proper step forward for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the nation as a whole .
These pages represent perhaps the most detailed look yet at the government ’ s dealings in taxation , and despite the tremendous risks we incurred through their procurement , it is incumbent upon us as stewards of the great journalistic tradition of truth-telling to provide these documents to the public .
May the American people deal with them thoughtfully , and may a benevolent God guide our hand in reacting to their terrifying implications .

The duty of a free press has always been to provide readers with a comprehensive and unvarnished picture of the world writ large. Though governments and their officials may strive to conceal vital documents from the public eye, The Onion insists that true journalism consists in shedding light upon even the darkest corners of our society. That is why today, thanks to the intrepid actions of one anonymous source, our editorial board has chosen to reveal that it possesses a copy of the IRS tax form 1040.
The revelations from these pages are, to put it bluntly, monumental.
Since receiving the tax form—often considered one of the most hotly sought-after records in recent American history—our substantial team of 327 fact-checkers, reporters, and legal experts have spent tireless nights to trawl through its depths, extracting explosive details about the function of standardized deductions for heads of household and married couples filing separately. Although the 1040 form pages fell into our editorial department’s hands in early 2019, it has taken nearly 18 months of around-the-clock examination to fully grasp its precise scale and ramification for the American people.
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Indeed, the document tells a far different and potentially more damning story than the rumor mill surrounding the 1040 have suggested: earned income credit, Alaska Permanent Fund dividends, dependents. For years, the role of such terms—long presumed by our editorial board to be crucial components in understanding income tax filing—have been discounted as overblown hearsay. Yet here, they offer tantalizing glimpses at a larger whole, filling in the picture to render a dizzying understanding of precisely how and why an individual would file, say, using joint marital status.
We have chosen to publish our understanding of these records despite the extraordinary legal and physical threats that we will likely face. Additionally, in a contentious election year between President Donald Trump and former Vice President Joseph R. Biden we will surely face blowback from pundits for potentially upending the race with the explosive details about the form’s “wages, salaries tips, etc...” section and what it implies about the elusive form known only as W-2.
Advertisement Advertisement
Of course, uncertainties will continue to dog our investigation: Namely, what is the form 1099-INT or the form 8888? And how does “adjusted gross income” differ from “taxable income”? What is the total income after adding lines 1, 2b, 3b, 4b, 4d, 5b, 6, and 7a? Such answers lie beyond our power as faithful custodians of the truth to furnish without delving into the rank speculation that has long plagued other lesser news outlets.
Nonetheless, we are confident that publication of the form known as 1040 represents the proper step forward for the truth, for The Onion and for the nation as a whole. These pages represent perhaps the most detailed look yet at the government’s dealings in taxation, and despite the tremendous risks we incurred through their procurement, it is incumbent upon us as stewards of the great journalistic tradition of truth-telling to provide these documents to the public. May the American people deal with them thoughtfully, and may a benevolent God guide our hand in reacting to their terrifying implications.
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Tu stultus es.


theonion--2020-09-28--Panicked Woman Scrambles To Write Down ‘$750’ Before 24-Hour News Cycle Wipes Memory Clean

DULUTH , ID—Throwing open drawers and tossing the entire contents on the floor as part of her desperate search , @ @ @ @ @ reportedly scrambling Monday to find a pen and paper to write down “ $ 750 @ @ @ @ @ cycle completely wiped her memory clean .
“ Come on , come on , there @ @ @ @ @ a marker or maybe a lipstick or something somewhere I can use to remind myself @ @ @ @ @ frantic Rhodes , repeating the words “ Federal Income Tax ’ ’ over and over @ @ @ @ @ of the bombshell report outlining the president ’ s chronic tax avoidance already began to @ @ @ @ @ are ... have to remember ... Federal ... Federal ... Donald Trump did ... something @ @ @ @ @ York Times ?
Damn , it ’ s gone.
” At press time , a @ @ @ @ @ a slip of paper featuring a handwritten number “ 7 , ” which she could @ @ @ @ @ do with the upcoming Supreme Court nomination fight .

DULUTH, ID—Throwing open drawers and tossing the entire contents on the floor as part of her desperate search, local woman Lisa Rhodes was reportedly scrambling Monday to find a pen and paper to write down “$750” before the 24-hour news cycle completely wiped her memory clean. “Come on, come on, there’s got to be a marker or maybe a lipstick or something somewhere I can use to remind myself,” said the increasingly frantic Rhodes, repeating the words “Federal Income Tax’’ over and over to herself as the knowledge of the bombshell report outlining the president’s chronic tax avoidance already began to fade. “Here we are...have to remember...Federal...Federal...Donald Trump did...something bad...with The New York Times? Damn, it’s gone.” At press time, a confused Rhodes was staring at a slip of paper featuring a handwritten number “7,” which she could only assume had something to do with the upcoming Supreme Court nomination fight.


theonion--2020-09-28--Republicans Argue Referring To Amy Coney Barrett As ‘Trump’s Court Pick’ Carries Deeply Anti-Catholi

Republicans Argue Referring To Amy Coney Barrett As ‘Trump’s Court Pick’ Carries Deeply Anti-Catholic Undertones

WASHINGTON—Accusing their Democratic opponents of using coded language to stir up prejudice am ong the electorate , Republicans argued Monday that references to Amy Coney Barrett as “ Trump ’ s court pick ” carried deeply anti-Catholic undertones .
“ To attack Judge Barrett ’ s faith by calling her ‘ President Trump ’ s nominee for the Supreme Court ’ is to engage in a long and shameful tradition of thinly veiled insults aimed at Catholics , ” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell , adding that 19th-century Irish and Italian immigrants to the United States could hardly have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as “ Donald Trump ’ s choice to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
” “ For Americans who adhere to the teachings of Catholicism , painful memories are conjured up each time someone says a person is ‘ almost certain to be confirmed to the highest court in the land by a slim majority of Republicans.
’ We have freedom of religion in this country , and to hear Democrats resort to such anti-Catholic dog whistles is frankly disgusting.
” At press time , McConnell asserted that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t have disparaged Barrett ’ s faith if she were a “ filthy Muslim .
”

WASHINGTON—Accusing their Democratic opponents of using coded language to stir up prejudice am ong the electorate, Republicans argued Monday that references to Amy Coney Barrett as “Trump’s court pick” carried deeply anti-Catholic undertones. “To attack Judge Barrett’s faith by calling her ‘President Trump’s nominee for the Supreme Court’ is to engage in a long and shameful tradition of thinly veiled insults aimed at Catholics,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, adding that 19th-century Irish and Italian immigrants to the United States could hardly have been met with an epithet as hateful as “Donald Trump’s choice to fill the vacancy left by the late Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.” “For Americans who adhere to the teachings of Catholicism, painful memories are conjured up each time someone says a person is ‘almost certain to be confirmed to the highest court in the land by a slim majority of Republicans.’ We have freedom of religion in this country, and to hear Democrats resort to such anti-Catholic dog whistles is frankly disgusting.” At press time, McConnell asserted that his critics on the left wouldn’t have disparaged Barrett’s faith if she were a “filthy Muslim.”


theonion--2020-09-28--FBI Demands Apple’s Assistance In Opening iPhone Packaging

WASHINGTON—Insisting it was the tech giant ’ s civic duty to cooperate with authorities in such matters , the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly contacted Apple Monday to demand its assistance in opening an iPhone 11 ’ s packaging .
“ It is absolutely imperative that Apple grant us access to the contents of this box , ” said FBI director Christopher A. Wray , explaining that his old phone was not working right and , as a matter of national security , Apple must immediately send experts to Washington who could “ crack open ” the plastic and cardboard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t hide what ’ s in here from us .
It is simply impermissible .
Going forward , Apple should be required to provide federal agents with a way to get past all this shrink wrap on their own , as well as some guidance as to whether this button here is for turning the phone on or what , exactly ?
” At press time , sources confirmed Apple had defied the bureau ’ s demands , claiming that each iPhone ’ s packaging had to remain intact to prevent @ @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Insisting it was the tech giant’s civic duty to cooperate with authorities in such matters, the Federal Bureau of Investigation reportedly contacted Apple Monday to demand its assistance in opening an iPhone 11’s packaging. “It is absolutely imperative that Apple grant us access to the contents of this box,” said FBI director Christopher A. Wray, explaining that his old phone was not working right and, as a matter of national security, Apple must immediately send experts to Washington who could “crack open” the plastic and cardboard encasing his new device. “You can’t hide what’s in here from us. It is simply impermissible. Going forward, Apple should be required to provide federal agents with a way to get past all this shrink wrap on their own, as well as some guidance as to whether this button here is for turning the phone on or what, exactly?” At press time, sources confirmed Apple had defied the bureau’s demands, claiming that each iPhone’s packaging had to remain intact to prevent a massive breach of user privacy.


theonion--2020-09-28--Townspeople Declare We All Decent Folks Round These Parts Who Don’t Want No Trouble

LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly , local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t want no trouble .
“ We ’ re just simple folk and @ @ @ @ @ out-of-towners coming down and stirring up a fuss , ” said shop proprietor Tom Smith @ @ @ @ @ their small village simply wanted to mind their business and didn ’ t have no @ @ @ @ @ come to disturb the peace with a bunch of questions .
“ Don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ it don ’ t belong , you hear me ?
Besides , we ain ’ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re talking about , so just go away and leave us be !
@ @ @ @ @ Smith joined his fellow townspeople from peering out from behind shopfronts with an unmistakable air @ @ @ @ @

LOWELL TOWNSHIP—Announcing their longstanding policy of keeping to themselves mostly, local townspeople declared Monday that they were all decent folks round these parts and didn’t want no trouble. “We’re just simple folk and don’t need no out-of-towners coming down and stirring up a fuss,” said shop proprietor Tom Smith, confirming that residents of their small village simply wanted to mind their business and didn’t have no truck with no rabble-rousers who come to disturb the peace with a bunch of questions. “Don’t go sticking your nose where it don’t belong, you hear me? Besides, we ain’t heard nothing about what you’re talking about, so just go away and leave us be!” At press time, Smith joined his fellow townspeople from peering out from behind shopfronts with an unmistakable air of keeping something hidden.


theonion--2020-09-28--Everything We Know About ‘Amnesia: Rebirth’

Fall is upon us , and with it comes the perfect season for another installment from one of the best examples of the survival horror genre .
That ’ s right , gamers .
Turn off the lights and get ready for terror .
Here ’ s everything we know about Amnesia : Rebirth .
The game takes place in Algeria , which will be conveyed by having an NPC in the first five minutes who refers to the player as “ my friend ” and never be referenced again .
Players will have to carefully manage their Sanity meter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Halen play a blistering , face-melting solo during a performance of “ Hot For Teacher.
” The teaser trailer shows the main character looking down at her hands in horror , so at some point you probably touch something really gross on accident .
In addition to jump scares , the developers have promised more subtle horror elements , such as a dish of peeled grapes that they tell you are eyeballs or a bowl of cold spaghetti that stands in for intestines .
Like prior Amnesia games , players will have no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ monsters unless they shell out $ 4.99 for the Plasma Blaster DLC .
Amnesia : Rebirth will feature difficult yet engaging puzzles , like solving the Collatz Conjecture or the Riemann hypothesis .
It ’ s a direct sequel to Amnesia : The Dark Descent , and a direct prequel to SSX Tricky .
Apparently , many of the game ’ s rooms are kept dark on purpose , an important fact to remember so gamers don ’ t waste their time on the phone with customer service trying to get a light @ @

Fall is upon us, and with it comes the perfect season for another installment from one of the best examples of the survival horror genre. That’s right, gamers. Turn off the lights and get ready for terror. Here’s everything we know about Amnesia: Rebirth.
The game takes place in Algeria, which will be conveyed by having an NPC in the first five minutes who refers to the player as “my friend” and never be referenced again.
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Players will have to carefully manage their Sanity meter, which depletes from seeing Eddie Van Halen play a blistering, face-melting solo during a performance of “Hot For Teacher.”
The teaser trailer shows the main character looking down at her hands in horror, so at some point you probably touch something really gross on accident.
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In addition to jump scares, the developers have promised more subtle horror elements, such as a dish of peeled grapes that they tell you are eyeballs or a bowl of cold spaghetti that stands in for intestines.
Like prior Amnesia games, players will have no means of physically fighting back against the monsters unless they shell out $4.99 for the Plasma Blaster DLC.
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Amnesia: Rebirth will feature difficult yet engaging puzzles, like solving the Collatz Conjecture or the Riemann hypothesis.
It’s a direct sequel to Amnesia: The Dark Descent, and a direct prequel to SSX Tricky.
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Apparently, many of the game’s rooms are kept dark on purpose, an important fact to remember so gamers don’t waste their time on the phone with customer service trying to get a light on.


theonion--2020-09-29--Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 29, 2020

Despite the writing being on the wall , the bridge , the subway platform , and the abandoned warehouse , @ @ @ @ @ surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city .

Aries | March 21 to April 19
Despite the writing being on the wall, the bridge, the subway platform, and the abandoned warehouse, you’ll still be surprised to hear about the recent rise of vandalism in your city.


theonion--2020-09-29--White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021 , but according to the White House @ @ @ @ @ even sooner .
Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of @ @ @ @ @ skin and inject you with before the election .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Initial timelines have estimated a Covid vaccine could be available by early 2021, but according to the White House, we may have something even sooner. Hear why the Trump administration believes they will have some kind of sharp thing to puncture your skin and inject you with before the election.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-29--Grandmother Hopes Leaving 600 Pounds Of Old Newspapers To Grandson Doesn’t Make His Cousins Jealous

DORMONT , PA —Emphasizing that she loved each of her seven grandchildren equally , local grandmother Esther Horn was reportedly hoping Tuesday the 600 pounds of old newspapers she was leaving to her grandson wouldn ’ t make his cousins jealous .
“ I don ’ t want it to seem like I ’ m playing favorites here , but I already promised Connor all my Post-Gazettes , ” said Horn , who had begun labeling the dozens of stacks of yellowing periodicals with the 23-year-old ’ s name so he would know which piles of things were his when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s had his eye on them ever since he pointed and asked , ‘ Why are those there ?
’ I ’ m just crossing my fingers the rest of them will be able to handle this like adults .
No one will leave empty-handed .
There are still plenty of Woman ’ s World magazines to go around .
And of course , everyone will get one of the boxes of rinsed- out tuna cans sitting in my attic.
” At press time , Horn was devastated a feud had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trying to sneak a stack of the old newspapers out of the house .

DORMONT, PA—Emphasizing that she loved each of her seven grandchildren equally, local grandmother Esther Horn was reportedly hoping Tuesday the 600 pounds of old newspapers she was leaving to her grandson wouldn’t make his cousins jealous. “I don’t want it to seem like I’m playing favorites here, but I already promised Connor all my Post-Gazettes,” said Horn, who had begun labeling the dozens of stacks of yellowing periodicals with the 23-year-old’s name so he would know which piles of things were his when the time came. “I know he’s had his eye on them ever since he pointed and asked, ‘Why are those there?’ I’m just crossing my fingers the rest of them will be able to handle this like adults. No one will leave empty-handed. There are still plenty of Woman’s World magazines to go around. And of course, everyone will get one of the boxes of rinsed-out tuna cans sitting in my attic.” At press time, Horn was devastated a feud had already erupted after catching her oldest granddaughter trying to sneak a stack of the old newspapers out of the house.


theonion--2020-09-29--Astronaut To Vote From Space

Astronaut To Vote From Space

For the second time in her career , NASA astronaut Dr. Kate Rubins will cast her vote for president from @ @ @ @ @ ballot from the International Space Station to Mission Control in Houston .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ for electronic voting is why I always deliver my ballot to NASA in person.
” @ @ @ @ @ elusive for all our many felon astronauts .
” “ It really shouldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ a polling place near your job .
”

For the second time in her career, NASA astronaut Dr. Kate Rubins will cast her vote for president from space, electronically forwarding her ballot from the International Space Station to Mission Control in Houston. What do you think?
“Distru st for electronic voting is why I always deliver my ballot to NASA in person.” Simon Rocchetti • Unemployed
“ And yet voting remains elusive for all our many felon astronauts. ” Matt Sullivan • Horse Exterminator
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theonion--2020-09-29--Doing Their Part: Nintendo Is Encouraging Gamers To Register To Vote And Write In Mario For Presiden

Doing Their Part: Nintendo Is Encouraging Gamers To Register To Vote And Write In Mario For President

This is really inspiring , gamers .
With the coming election less than five weeks away , we need all hands on deck to make sure our democracy continues to flourish .
Thankfully , the gaming legends at Nintendo are doing their part with their new “ Switch the Polls ” campaign that encourages gamers to register to vote and write in Mario for president .
Here ’ s how it works : Starting Saturday , October 24 , all Nintendo Switch and 3DS users will receive weekly updates informing them about their local voting center , instructions on voter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mario ” on a ballot to make sure everyone ’ s favorite plumber ’ s name is represented in the 2020 election .
Beyond that , Nintendo will also be offering free bussing to nearby polls on November 3 in order to ensure no gamer will be prevented from voting for the iconic Italian platforming star to become president .
If all goes well , we could even se e the beloved gaming icon beat out Green Party candidate Howie Hawkins !
Given the overall sense of fatigue and hopelessness that has long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t be happier to see Nintendo coming out and encouraging everyone to make sure their voices are heard at the polls .
After all , this is the most important election in a generation , and it ’ s downright inspiring to imagine millions of gamers heading to their local election center and showing the world that Mario deserves to be president of the United States .
Even more impressive is Nintendo ’ s choice to also encourage down ballot voting with an ad campaign telling fans to cast their vote in state @ @ @ @ @ @ @ So cool !
Frankly , we think this is a long overdue stand for the iconic console maker .
After all , we live in a democracy that requires active participation from all gamers in order for it to continue being healthy and robust .
We ’ re also encouraged that Nintendo is putting their money where their mouth is and telling fans that if Mario doesn ’ t receive at least 3 % of the vote , then the election has been rigged and the director of the FEC should be assassinated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of commitment to democracy that we all love to see !

This is really inspiring, gamers. With the coming election less than five weeks away, we need all hands on deck to make sure our democracy continues to flourish. Thankfully, the gaming legends at Nintendo are doing their part with their new “Switch the Polls” campaign that encourages gamers to register to vote and write in Mario for president.
Democratic engagement FTW!
Here’s how it works: Starting Saturday , October 24, all Nintendo Switch and 3DS users will receive weekly updates informing them about their local voting center, instructions on voter registration, and where to write “Mario” on a ballot to make sure everyone’s favorite plumber’s name is represented in the 2020 election. Beyond that, Nintendo will also be offering free bussing to nearby polls on November 3 in order to ensure no gamer will be prevented from voting for the iconic Italian platforming star to become president. If all goes well, we could even se e the beloved gaming icon beat out Green Party candidate Howie Hawkins!
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Given the overall sense of fatigue and hopelessness that has long plagued the nation, we couldn’t be happier to see Nintendo coming out and encouraging everyone to make sure their voices are heard at the polls. After all, this is the most important election in a generation, and it’s downright inspiring to imagine millions of gamers heading to their local election center and showing the world that Mario deserves to be president of the United States. Even more impressive is Nintendo’s choice to also encourage down ballot voting with an ad campaign telling fans to cast their vote in state and local races for Shy Guys. So cool!
Frankly, we think this is a long overdue stand for the iconic console maker. After all, we live in a democracy that requires active participation from all gamers in order for it to continue being healthy and robust. We’re also encouraged that Nintendo is putting their money where their mouth is and telling fans that if Mario doesn’t receive at least 3% of the vote, then the election has been rigged and the director of the FEC should be assassinated.
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Now that’s the sort of commitment to democracy that we all love to see!