theonion--2020-07-21--Man Unaware Majority Of His Life’s Failures Directly Caused By Getting Only 80% Daily Recommended Th

Man Unaware Majority Of His Life’s Failures Directly Caused By Getting Only 80% Daily Recommended Thiamine

LANSING , MI—Confirming the man ’ s utter obliviousness to the root of all his problems , 44-year-old Eric Shoup reportedly remains unaware that the majority of his life ’ s failures are the direct result of him getting only 80 % of his daily recommended thiamine .
“ If Eric could manage only a couple more servings of brown rice or legumes a day , he ’ d achieve all of his goals within a year , ” said a source close to the man , attributing Shoup ’ s lack of energy , middling career , and desolate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even a bit more of B-complex vitamin into his diet .
“ Eric doesn ’ t even need to get 100 % of the daily recommended dosage .
Just 75 % would allow him to hold more meaningful conversations with friends and coworkers , while 90 % would give him the confidence he needs to pivot into a whole new successful and personally fulfilling career with ease .
Unfortunately , he ’ s never going to figure this out due to his crippling lack of dietary thiamine.
” Shoup later came astonishingly close @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thiamine by loading up his fork with a large bite of liver , but upon deciding he was full , set the laden utensil down .

LANSING, MI—Confirming the man’s utter obliviousness to the root of all his problems, 44-year-old Eric Shoup reportedly remains unaware that the majority of his life’s failures are the direct result of him getting only 80% of his daily recommended thiamine. “If Eric could manage only a couple more servings of brown rice or legumes a day, he’d achieve all of his goals within a year,” said a source close to the man, attributing Shoup’s lack of energy, middling career, and desolate love life to his failure to incorporate even a bit more of B-complex vitamin into his diet. “Eric doesn’t even need to get 100% of the daily recommended dosage. Just 75% would allow him to hold more meaningful conversations with friends and coworkers, while 90% would give him the confidence he needs to pivot into a whole new successful and personally fulfilling career with ease. Unfortunately, he’s never going to figure this out due to his crippling lack of dietary thiamine.” Shoup later came astonishingly close to ingesting his daily recommended level of thiamine by loading up his fork with a large bite of liver, but upon deciding he was full, set the laden utensil down.


theonion--2020-07-21--Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that you ’ d have no idea who anyone was by just watching the opening credits , the U.S. populace called Tuesday for the return of sitcom theme songs that explain the show ’ s whole deal .
“ We , the American public , demand to see a shot of the dad , a shot of the mom , a shot of the kids , and then a slow zoom-in on their home against a familiar city skyline every time the show starts , ” said TV viewer Ericka Hamels , who also urged networks to once @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , upbeat music with horns or surf-rock baselines that the characters could then dance to .
“ Please , we beg of you—break it down for us .
Where are these people from , how were they forced into this situation , and where are they going ?
But also , don ’ t just stop there—these theme songs must then be updated every few years , so that when everyone ages , we still know who they are.
” At press time , the nation ’ s TV watchers amended their demands @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the premise of the show and have characters wave goodbye until the next episode .

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that you’d have no idea who anyone was by just watching the opening credits, the U.S. populace called Tuesday for the return of sitcom theme songs that explain the show’s whole deal. “We, the American public, demand to see a shot of the dad, a shot of the mom, a shot of the kids, and then a slow zoom-in on their home against a familiar city skyline every time the show starts,” said TV viewer Ericka Hamels, who also urged networks to once again set the whole thing to fun, upbeat music with horns or surf-rock baselines that the characters could then dance to. “Please, we beg of you—break it down for us. Where are these people from, how were they forced into this situation, and where are they going? But also, don’t just stop there—these theme songs must then be updated every few years, so that when everyone ages, we still know who they are.” At press time, the nation’s TV watchers amended their demands to include closing credit songs that restate the premise of the show and have characters wave goodbye until the next episode.


theonion--2020-07-21--CDC Horrified After Discovering Existence Of Thousands Of Public Pools

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they ’ ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every @ @ @ @ @ Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention says they’ve discovered evidence of these disease vectors in nearly every city in the nation. Hear just how horrified they were to learn of the existence of these germ-infested public wells of moisture.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-21--Creatively Recharged Tucker Carlson Comes Up With Week Of Show Ideas After Hispanic Cashier Gives Hi

Creatively Recharged Tucker Carlson Comes Up With Week Of Show Ideas After Hispanic Cashier Gives Him Wrong Change

WASHINGTON—Returning from vacation appearing more relaxed than he had in months , creatively recharged Fox News host Tucker Carlson told reporters Tuesday that he had come up with a week ’ s worth of show ideas after a Hispanic cashier gave him the wrong change .
“ I ’ m really glad I switched up my routine , because you never know when some lazy , uneducated Hispanic teenager tries stealing from you by giving you a single instead of a ten back and inspiration will strike , ” said a tanned , smiling Carlson , adding that the experience @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at least a week criticizing immigrants for taking over the country and being ungrateful for the jobs America is providing them .
“ Those last couple weeks before my vacation , I felt like I was really phoning it in creatively .
You can only do many episodes about how Ilhan Omar is leading a cabal of minorities to install Black supremacy in the country before it begins to feel a bit stale , you know ?
But then that Hispanic cashier tried to stiff me and didn ’ t apologize well enough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heard him speaking Spanish to a coworker as I was leaving—it was like a light bulb went off .
The creative juices started flowing , and before I knew it , I had a solid several hours of attacking immigrants for invading our country and uprooting traditional American values .
I feel like the old Tucker Carlson again.
” Carlson added that although he did feel creatively rejuvenated , one aspect of returning to work he wasn ’ t looking forward to having to send a bunch of hate emails .

WASHINGTON—Returning from vacation appearing more relaxed than he had in months, creatively recharged Fox News host Tucker Carlson told reporters Tuesday that he had come up with a week’s worth of show ideas after a Hispanic cashier gave him the wrong change. “I’m really glad I switched up my routine, because you never know when some lazy, uneducated Hispanic teenager tries stealing from you by giving you a single instead of a ten back and inspiration will strike,” said a tanned, smiling Carlson, adding that the experience immediately gave him the idea to spend at least a week criticizing immigrants for taking over the country and being ungrateful for the jobs America is providing them. “Those last couple weeks before my vacation, I felt like I was really phoning it in creatively. You can only do many episodes about how Ilhan Omar is leading a cabal of minorities to install Black supremacy in the country before it begins to feel a bit stale, you know? But then that Hispanic cashier tried to stiff me and didn’t apologize well enough for my liking, and then I heard him speaking Spanish to a coworker as I was leaving—it was like a light bulb went off. The creative juices started flowing, and before I knew it, I had a solid several hours of attacking immigrants for invading our country and uprooting traditional American values. I feel like the old Tucker Carlson again.” Carlson added that although he did feel creatively rejuvenated, one aspect of returning to work he wasn’t looking forward to having to send a bunch of hate emails.


theonion--2020-07-22--Beefeaters Face Job Cuts For First Time In History

The iconic Tower of London guards , known colloquially as Beefeaters , may face layoffs for the first time in @ @ @ @ @ closures have created a $ 123 million shortfall for the charity that runs the historical @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Goes to show that in a pandemic even the least necessary job @ @ @ @ @ guaranteed.
” “ I know I ’ m supposed to feel bad about this , @ @ @ @ @ way the Beefeaters have worse lives than I do.
” “ Listen , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ everywhere right now , not just in the U.K .
”

The iconic Tower of London guards, known colloquially as Beefeaters, may face layoffs for the first time in their 545-year history as pandemic closures have created a $123 million shortfall for the charity that runs the historical site. What do you think?
“Goes to show that in a pandemic even the least necessary job on earth isn’t guaranteed.” Nigel Mooney • Postcard Collector
“I know I’m supposed to feel bad about this, but there’s no way the Beefeaters have worse lives than I do.” Shannon Leitz • Coffee Brewer
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theonion--2020-07-22--Study Finds Universal Mask Use Could Cut U.S. Coronavirus Deaths By 67%

Research from the University of Washington shows that widespread use of masks could cut the projected daily coronavirus case count @ @ @ @ @ death toll by 67 % , but it would require at least 95 % of @ @ @ @ @ public .
What do you think ?
“ Thanks , but if I was in @ @ @ @ @ scientists , we wouldn ’ t be having this discussion in the first place.
” @ @ @ @ @ to let Americans know they ’ re doomed .
”

Research from the University of Washington shows that widespread use of masks could cut the projected daily coronavirus case count by 63% and daily death toll by 67%, but it would require at least 95% of Americans wear masks when in public. What do you think?
“Thanks, but if I was in the habit of listening to scientists, we wouldn’t be having this discussion in the first place.” David Rutter • Recession Forecaster
“This Universal Mask sounds incredibly powerful.” Patty Bluff • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-07-22--Baseball Fan Excited For Return Of Switching To Movie After 2 Hours When It’s 5-1 In The 4th Inning

ELMHURST , IL—Admitting that more than anything he missed getting up in disgust in the middle of a game to go mow the lawn , local baseball fan Mike Gengaro told reporters Wednesday that he was excited for the return of switching to a movie two hours into a 5-1 game that ’ s still only in the 4th inning .
“ It ’ s been a tough summer so far without baseball , but now I ’ ve got a six-pack in the fridge , the Cubs-Twins game is starting in a few hours , and I just can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ TNT and watch Jack Reacher halfway through , ” said Gengaro , who claimed he could barely remember the last time he spent an evening glued to his phone while half-watching the 3rd hour of a 6th-inning blowout .
“ To me , kicking back and watching ESPN as I occasionally flip back to a game is what the summer is all about .
There ’ s nothing like the excitement of watching a baseball game and suddenly realizing there is a whole season of Westworld that I haven ’ t watched yet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ help me get through the next few months until football starts and I can check out of the season completely.
” Gengaro added that the one thing he would still miss during quarantine was having his friends over to silently eat chips and occasionally mutter “ bullshit ” before leaving to pick up their kids .

ELMHURST, IL—Admitting that more than anything he missed getting up in disgust in the middle of a game to go mow the lawn, local baseball fan Mike Gengaro told reporters Wednesday that he was excited for the return of switching to a movie two hours into a 5-1 game that’s still only in the 4th inning. “It’s been a tough summer so far without baseball, but now I’ve got a six-pack in the fridge, the Cubs-Twins game is starting in a few hours, and I just can’t wait to flip over to TNT and watch Jack Reacher halfway through,” said Gengaro, who claimed he could barely remember the last time he spent an evening glued to his phone while half-watching the 3rd hour of a 6th-inning blowout. “To me, kicking back and watching ESPN as I occasionally flip back to a game is what the summer is all about. There’s nothing like the excitement of watching a baseball game and suddenly realizing there is a whole season of Westworld that I haven’t watched yet. It’s really gonna help me get through the next few months until football starts and I can check out of the season completely.” Gengaro added that the one thing he would still miss during quarantine was having his friends over to silently eat chips and occasionally mutter “bullshit” before leaving to pick up their kids.


theonion--2020-07-22--Timeline Of Presidential Polling

Timeline Of Presidential Polling

As the 2020 presidential race heats up , attention has turned to presidential polling and the wisdom of relying on @ @ @ @ @ the wrong outcome in 2016 .
The Onion takes a look at the history of @ @ @ @ @ George Gallup founds American Institute of Public Opinion in attempt to quench his endless thirst @ @ @ @ @ 1936 : Someone is calling on the telephone !
Imagine that , Stanley , a @ @ @ @ @ And they want to know who we think should be our president !
1948 : @ @ @ @ @ they failed to predict there would be an election that year .
1960 : Kennedy @ @ @ @ @ when voters asked who they could see being assassinated as president .
1988 : Sarah @ @ @ @ @ IA correctly observes that ignoring endless months of polling makes life happier .
1992 : @ @ @ @ @ challenges for pollsters because three is more than two .
2000 : Polls don ’ @ @ @ @ @ Supreme Court can just pick whoever they want .

As the 2020 presidential race heats up, attention has turned to presidential polling and the wisdom of relying on an industry that generally predicted the wrong outcome in 2016. The Onion takes a look at the history of presidential polling.
1935: George Gallup founds American Institute of Public Opinion in attempt to quench his endless thirst for juicy voter gossip.
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1936: Someone is calling on the telephone! Imagine that, Stanley, a call on the telephone! And they want to know who we think should be our president!
1940: Polls confirm what everyone knew intuitively: Wendell Willkie sucks.
1948: Pollsters’ methods questioned after they failed to predict there would be an election that year.
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1960: Kennedy consistently polls ahead of Nixon when voters asked who they could see being assassinated as president.
1988: Sarah Summers of Des Moines, IA correctly observes that ignoring endless months of polling makes life happier.
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1992: Third-party candidate Ross Perot creates challenges for pollsters because three is more than two.
2000: Polls don’t take into account that Supreme Court can just pick whoever they want.
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2016: Margin of error wins again.


theonion--2020-07-22--LeBron James On Quest To Hunt Down Owners Of Rare Rookie Cards That Contain Fragments Of His Soul

SAN FRANCISCO—Unfolding an yellowing , wrinkled paper containing the names of every known card ’ s location , NBA star LeBron James set out on a quest Wednesday to hunt down the owners of rare rookie cards that contain fragments of his soul .
“ I can never be fully whole , my legacy will never be secure until I have all 23 of these rookie cards in my possession , ” said James , slowly clutching at his heart and thinking back on the painful day his spirit was shattered to forge the rare Upper Deck rookie cards .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the Earth until I find each of these cards .
I will play for every team in the NBA if I must .
This has been a 17-year journey—I nearly died trying to retrieve the last one from the vault of Kim Jong-Un ’ s mountain top retreat , but I ’ m determined to see it through .
I will never be the greatest ever until I am whole.
” At press time , James had unsheathed a small hidden dagger as a cackling Stephen Curry revealed his plan to gather @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doom James ’ hopes for a fourth NBA title .

SAN FRANCISCO—Unfolding an yellowing, wrinkled paper containing the names of every known card’s location, NBA star LeBron James set out on a quest Wednesday to hunt down the owners of rare rookie cards that contain fragments of his soul. “I can never be fully whole, my legacy will never be secure until I have all 23 of these rookie cards in my possession,” said James, slowly clutching at his heart and thinking back on the painful day his spirit was shattered to forge the rare Upper Deck rookie cards. “I will travel to every corner of the Earth until I find each of these cards. I will play for every team in the NBA if I must. This has been a 17-year journey—I nearly died trying to retrieve the last one from the vault of Kim Jong-Un’s mountain top retreat, but I’m determined to see it through. I will never be the greatest ever until I am whole.” At press time, James had unsheathed a small hidden dagger as a cackling Stephen Curry revealed his plan to gather and destroy the remaining cards and forever doom James’ hopes for a fourth NBA title.


theonion--2020-07-22--Disaster: Luigi Left His Space Heater Plugged In For 3 Days And The Entire ‘Paper Mario’ Kingdom Bur

Disaster: Luigi Left His Space Heater Plugged In For 3 Days And The Entire ‘Paper Mario’ Kingdom Burned Down

For years , Luigi ’ s kindhearted nature and well-meaning oafishness have endeared him to millions of fans who were willing to look past his lengthy history of incompetence .
But it seems like the iconic Nintendo character might have just passed the point of no return : The big guy in green apparently left his space heater plugged in for three days straight , and now the entire Paper Mario kingdom has burned to the ground .
Yikes .
This is looking bad for Luigi , gamers .
The catastrophe unfolded on Wednesday at around 4 a.m. as Luigi @ @ @ @ @ @ @ studio apartment in Toad Town .
Ignoring all safety warnings , the platforming icon apparently left his space heater running and unattended for days on end , only to be awoken by a rush of flame and smoke from a nearby tissue paper-based toadstool .
Within minutes , The Origami Kings ’ paper world was engulfed in an outright conflagration that stretched from Chestnut Road to Sweetpaper Valley .
Sadly , despite the best efforts of Toads and the Cheeps Cheeps to combat the blaze with water and wind , the inferno was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s outright negligence , Paper Mario ’ s world is a literal tinderbox , leaving thousands dead and the Mushroom Kingdom ’ s survivors struggling to rebuild the charred remains of their life .
We here at OGN have always loved Luigi , but even we must now agree that someone must put an end to his ineptitudes .
While some will say this was only an accident , ignorance is no excuse when it comes to destruction and mayhem like this .
For this reason , we ’ re joining the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a few years locked in the deepest depths of Bowser ’ s Castle will help him come to terms with what he ’ s done and finally give him the kick in the ass he needs to do something with his life .

For years, Luigi’s kindhearted nature and well-meaning oafishness have endeared him to millions of fans who were willing to look past his lengthy history of incompetence. But it seems like the iconic Nintendo character might have just passed the point of no return: The big guy in green apparently left his space heater plugged in for three days straight, and now the entire Paper Mario kingdom has burned to the ground.
Yikes. This is looking bad for Luigi, gamers.
The catastrophe unfolded on Wednesday at around 4 a.m. as Luigi slept soundly on the futon in his studio apartment in Toad Town. Ignoring all safety warnings, the platforming icon apparently left his space heater running and unattended for days on end, only to be awoken by a rush of flame and smoke from a nearby tissue paper-based toadstool. Within minutes, The Origami Kings’ paper world was engulfed in an outright conflagration that stretched from Chestnut Road to Sweetpaper Valley.
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Sadly, despite the best efforts of Toads and the Cheeps Cheeps to combat the blaze with water and wind, the inferno was uncontrollable. Now, due to Luigi’s outright negligence, Paper Mario’s world is a literal tinderbox, leaving thousands dead and the Mushroom Kingdom’s survivors struggling to rebuild the charred remains of their life.
We here at OGN have always loved Luigi, but even we must now agree that someone must put an end to his ineptitudes. While some will say this was only an accident, ignorance is no excuse when it comes to destruction and mayhem like this. For this reason, we’re joining the widespread call for his arrest. Hopefully a few years locked in the deepest depths of Bowser’s Castle will help him come to terms with what he’s done and finally give him the kick in the ass he needs to do something with his life.


theonion--2020-07-22--Del Monte Introduces New Extended-Release, Maximum-Strength Peaches

WALNUT CREEK , CA—Touting their new product as “ the last word in alleviating hunger , ” Del Monte Foods introduced a new extended-release , maximum-strength chewable peach Wednesday which they claim possesses up to four times the power of normal stone fruit .
“ Del Monte ’ s new formula combines the same fast-acting flavor of our traditional peaches with concentrated vitamins and nutrients , allowing diners to experience stronger peach benefits for a longer time , ” said Del Monte spokesperson Dora Valencia in a press conference , further claiming that the maximum-strength peaches ’ proprietary blend of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stomach in order to quell hankerings for up to 12 hours .
“ This is , hands down , the toughest peach on the market when it comes to battling low blood sugar , but it ’ s also gentle enough to use for any fruit-related cravings suffered by anyone over the age of 8 .
Each dose comes in a self-contained package of heavy syrup , providing immediate relief from stomach grumbling , while the extended-release component ensures you experience a nice , steady dose of peaches all day long.
” Valencia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has in fact received FDA-approval , those experiencing peach juice dribbling down their chin for more than two hours should contact a physician .

WALNUT CREEK, CA—Touting their new product as “the last word in alleviating hunger,” Del Monte Foods introduced a new extended-release, maximum-strength chewable peach Wednesday which they claim possesses up to four times the power of normal stone fruit. “Del Monte’s new formula combines the same fast-acting flavor of our traditional peaches with concentrated vitamins and nutrients, allowing diners to experience stronger peach benefits for a longer time,” said Del Monte spokesperson Dora Valencia in a press conference, further claiming that the maximum-strength peaches’ proprietary blend of fortified peach extracts will directly target the stomach in order to quell hankerings for up to 12 hours. “This is, hands down, the toughest peach on the market when it comes to battling low blood sugar, but it’s also gentle enough to use for any fruit-related cravings suffered by anyone over the age of 8. Each dose comes in a self-contained package of heavy syrup, providing immediate relief from stomach grumbling, while the extended-release component ensures you experience a nice, steady dose of peaches all day long.” Valencia further noted that, while the product has in fact received FDA-approval, those experiencing peach juice dribbling down their chin for more than two hours should contact a physician.


theonion--2020-07-22--Encouraging Report Finds Polar Bears Evolving Aerospace Engineering Skills Necessary To Escape Overh

Encouraging Report Finds Polar Bears Evolving Aerospace Engineering Skills Necessary To Escape Overheating Planet

ANCHORAGE , AK—Calling it a “ scientific miracle ” that could keep the species alive for generations to come , an encouraging report from the USGS Alaska Science Center found Wednesday that polar bears are evolving aerospace engineering skills necessary to escape an overheating planet .
“ According to our research , these polar bears , or Ursus maritimus , have not just developed a desire to flee Earth ’ s orbit , but also a rudimentary understanding of jet propulsion , ” said lead researcher on the study Adam Yelnich , adding that he and his team had discovered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of fish , driftwood , and ice scattered along the arctic coastal tundra .
“ While this is still a relatively new evolutionary development , older polar bears have routinely been spotted with their cubs , teaching them engineering and physics at an undergraduate level .
Sadly , however , all of their test rockets have immediately exploded upon exiting the atmosphere , leaving the polar bears both stunned and confused.
” At press time , Yelnich confirmed that polar bears had begun working around the clock on space travel after Russian snow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

ANCHORAGE, AK—Calling it a “scientific miracle” that could keep the species alive for generations to come, an encouraging report from the USGS Alaska Science Center found Wednesday that polar bears are evolving aerospace engineering skills necessary to escape an overheating planet. “According to our research, these polar bears, or Ursus maritimus, have not just developed a desire to flee Earth’s orbit, but also a rudimentary understanding of jet propulsion,” said lead researcher on the study Adam Yelnich, adding that he and his team had discovered various blueprints and makeshift spaceships constructed out of fish, driftwood, and ice scattered along the arctic coastal tundra. “While this is still a relatively new evolutionary development, older polar bears have routinely been spotted with their cubs, teaching them engineering and physics at an undergraduate level. Sadly, however, all of their test rockets have immediately exploded upon exiting the atmosphere, leaving the polar bears both stunned and confused.” At press time, Yelnich confirmed that polar bears had begun working around the clock on space travel after Russian snow leopards successfully launched a rocket into orbit.


theonion--2020-07-22--New Streaming Service Still Struggling To Come Up With Name Stupid Enough That Public Becomes Furiou

New Streaming Service Still Struggling To Come Up With Name Stupid Enough That Public Becomes Furious When They Hear It

LOS ANGELES—Laboring over the final major creative decision prior to launch , executives at a new streaming service were reportedly struggling Wednesday to come up with a name that was so stupid that it would completely infuriate the public .
“ Obviously places like Quibi and Peacock have set an extremely high bar of making potential consumers literally shake with rage at the very utterance of the word , and we don ’ t want to be caught flat-footed with a name that ’ s only mildly irritating and confusing , ” said CEO Darby Alton , confirming that executives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ grubbo ” and “ zwabble-ponk ” over concerns that someone on Earth might conceivably be able to hear them without smashing their fist through a wall .
“ We ’ ve been shouting random gibberish for over an hour and have never come close to anything that would still make people fall to their knees and shake their fists towards the heavens years later like SeeSo .
At this point , I think we might have to just go with a name spelled ‘ & g !
g & ’ and pronounced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ call it a day.
” At press time , Alton admitted that at least he was confident that the fury users would experience trying to watch anything on their website or app was comparable to its competitors .

LOS ANGELES—Laboring over the final major creative decision prior to launch, executives at a new streaming service were reportedly struggling Wednesday to come up with a name that was so stupid that it would completely infuriate the public. “Obviously places like Quibi and Peacock have set an extremely high bar of making potential consumers literally shake with rage at the very utterance of the word, and we don’t want to be caught flat-footed with a name that’s only mildly irritating and confusing,” said CEO Darby Alton, confirming that executives had ultimately ruled out contenders such as “grubbo” and “zwabble-ponk” over concerns that someone on Earth might conceivably be able to hear them without smashing their fist through a wall. “We’ve been shouting random gibberish for over an hour and have never come close to anything that would still make people fall to their knees and shake their fists towards the heavens years later like SeeSo. At this point, I think we might have to just go with a name spelled ‘&g!g&’ and pronounced like a child’s giggle and call it a day.” At press time, Alton admitted that at least he was confident that the fury users would experience trying to watch anything on their website or app was comparable to its competitors.


theonion--2020-07-22--Catcaller Not Sure What The Big Deal Is Since He’d Love For A Woman To Call Him A Fat, Stuck-Up Bitc

Catcaller Not Sure What The Big Deal Is Since He’d Love For A Woman To Call Him A Fat, Stuck-Up Bitch

CHICAGO—Urging everyone to lighten up and “ save the pearl-clutching ” for real problems , local catcaller Will Snyder confirmed Friday that he was not sure what the big deal was because he ’ d love it if a woman referred to him as a fat , stuck-up bitch .
“ No one ever calls me a dumb filthy whore when I ’ m headed home after a long day of work , but you know what , it sure would be a nice thing to hear every now and then , ” said Snyder , 27 , adding that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ political correctness of the # MeToo era had reached a point where it might prevent a woman from walking close behind him for several blocks and then telling him he was an ugly , uptight cunt who needed to be fucked hard .
“ Honestly , what ’ s the problem ?
I ’ d be flattered if some girl blocked my path on the sidewalk , grabbed her crotch , and told me my big slutty lips would look great on her pussy .
That ’ s a compliment in my book @ @ @ @ @ @ @ offended when you hear that kind of thing from me.
” The catcaller then reportedly sighed and reiterated his long-held position that there wasn ’ t much he could do about it , because they were “ all a bunch of frigid dykes .
”

CHICAGO—Urging everyone to lighten up and “save the pearl-clutching” for real problems, local catcaller Will Snyder confirmed Friday that he was not sure what the big deal was because he’d love it if a woman referred to him as a fat, stuck-up bitch. “No one ever calls me a dumb filthy whore when I’m headed home after a long day of work, but you know what, it sure would be a nice thing to hear every now and then,” said Snyder, 27, adding that it would be a tragedy if the political correctness of the #MeToo era had reached a point where it might prevent a woman from walking close behind him for several blocks and then telling him he was an ugly, uptight cunt who needed to be fucked hard. “Honestly, what’s the problem? I’d be flattered if some girl blocked my path on the sidewalk, grabbed her crotch, and told me my big slutty lips would look great on her pussy. That’s a compliment in my book, so don’t act all offended when you hear that kind of thing from me.” The catcaller then reportedly sighed and reiterated his long-held position that there wasn’t much he could do about it, because they were “all a bunch of frigid dykes.”


theonion--2020-07-22--The Best Cities To Live In For Fans Of Rock And Roll Museums And The Cleveland Browns

Hold on to your jerseys for this one , fans !
This independent city-state within Rome is the headquarters of @ @ @ @ @ religion in which Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Bruce Springsteen , as well as @ @ @ @ @ , was raised .

Vatican City
Hold on to your jerseys for this one, fans! This independent city-state within Rome is the headquarters of the Catholic Church, the religion in which Rock and Roll Hall of Famer Bruce Springsteen, as well as former Browns quarterback Brady Quinn, was raised.


theonion--2020-07-22--Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy

Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country , but not without some resistance .
Hear how one armed @ @ @ @ @ Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Confederate monuments continue to be dismantled across the country, but not without some resistance. Hear how one armed group of counter-protestors—dubbed the Jellystone Militia—are standing by to protect a sculpture of their favorite cartoon bear.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-23--Frustrated Mayors Demand Constituents Stop Paying Such Close Attention To Everything They Do

In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality , all eyes are on local @ @ @ @ @ communities safe .
Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting @ @ @ @ @ they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

In the wake of an unprecedented health crisis and mass protests against police brutality, all eyes are on local government officials to keep our communities safe. Hear just how sick and tired mayors across the country are getting of having every little decision they make be held under a goddamn magnifying glass.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-23--Country Time Offers ‘Littlest Bailout’ To Kids Who Can’t Run Lemonade Stands This Year

The lemonade brand Country Time is offering $ 100 checks to children who are unable to run lemonade stands this @ @ @ @ @ “ Littlest Bailout ” program , which seeks to offset lost revenue caused by social @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ Great , put more money in the pockets @ @ @ @ @ ’ s nice to know that during these difficult times someone is still thinking about @ @ @ @

The lemonade brand Country Time is offering $100 checks to children who are unable to run lemonade stands this summer as part of their “Littlest Bailout” program, which seeks to offset lost revenue caused by social distancing and coronavirus safety guidelines. What do you think?
“Great, put more money in the pockets of CEOs.” Charlie Nagan, Duckling EMT
“It’s nice to know that during these difficult times someone is still thinking about child labor.” Tori Thrift, Paper Flattener
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theonion--2020-07-23--ICUs Reach Breaking Point As Nation Hits 4 Million Coronavirus Hoaxes

WASHINGTON—With medical workers overwhelmed and hospitals short on supplies , intensive care units across the nation reportedly reached a breaking point Thursday as the United States surpassed 4 million coronavirus hoaxes .
“ We are continuing to see an exponential surge in patients who arrive in our ER and fake life-threatening symptoms of a virus we all know doesn ’ t really exist—or , if it does , is no worse than the flu , ” said Dr. Melinda Rowenta , a critical care physician in Miami , explaining that the popular trend of pretending to be dying from Covid-19 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Level 1 trauma center where she works .
“ All the coughing and wheezing and gasping for air—just cut the theatrics , seriously .
Every day , valuable hospital beds are being taken up by these hired actors who feign extreme agony as part of a secret conspiracy to keep our economy from recovering .
It ’ s making it so that people with actual deadly illnesses are now afraid of going to the hospital because the media has them terrified they might catch this fictional respiratory illness.
” Officials in Florida and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s participants for the breaking point recently reached by overburdened county morgues .

WASHINGTON—With medical workers overwhelmed and hospitals short on supplies, intensive care units across the nation reportedly reached a breaking point Thursday as the United States surpassed 4 million coronavirus hoaxes. “We are continuing to see an exponential surge in patients who arrive in our ER and fake life-threatening symptoms of a virus we all know doesn’t really exist—or, if it does, is no worse than the flu,” said Dr. Melinda Rowenta, a critical care physician in Miami, explaining that the popular trend of pretending to be dying from Covid-19 had put an incredible strain on the Level 1 trauma center where she works. “All the coughing and wheezing and gasping for air—just cut the theatrics, seriously. Every day, valuable hospital beds are being taken up by these hired actors who feign extreme agony as part of a secret conspiracy to keep our economy from recovering. It’s making it so that people with actual deadly illnesses are now afraid of going to the hospital because the media has them terrified they might catch this fictional respiratory illness.” Officials in Florida and other states have also criticized the hoax’s participants for the breaking point recently reached by overburdened county morgues.


theonion--2020-07-23--Ohio House Speaker Arrested In $60 Million Bribery Scheme

Larry Householder , speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives , was arrested Tuesday in connection to a $ 60 @ @ @ @ @ tied to nuclear plant bailouts in the state .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ in a couple years when they vote him into the Senate.
” “ Why don @ @ @ @ @ on a state congressional salary for a year before you start passing judgment.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ claw their way to the top of the Ohio political ladder .
”

Larry Householder, speaker of the Ohio House of Representatives, was arrested Tuesday in connection to a $60 million bribery and racketeering investigation tied to nuclear plant bailouts in the state. What do you think?
“I hope Ohioans remember this in a couple years when they vote him into the Senate.” Marilyn Dobson, Simple Machines Expert
“Why don’t you try living on a state congressional salary for a year before you start passing judgment.” Kent Iadarola, Corporate DJ
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theonion--2020-07-23--Aunt Who’s Really Mom’s Friend Announces She Saw Inside Of Willie Nelson’s Bus Once

FOX CHAPEL , PA—Taking a sip of her jumbo frozen margarita and asking everyone if they remembered the Dripping Springs Reunion tour , local Aunt Dottie Preston , who is really mom ’ s friend , announced Thursday that she saw the inside of Willie Nelson ’ s bus once .
“ Oh , let me tell you , the year was 1972 , but back then , your mom and I—we were no angels , ” said the woman everyone affectionately called “ Aunt Dot , ” who then winked , and proceeded to regale the room with details @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” hopped a fence and then danced their way up to the front row , where your mom and her “ perky little rack ” caught the eye of one of Willie ’ s roadies .
“ Well , once ‘ The Serpent ’ had eyes for your mom , it was all over .
Yeah , she was dating your dad at that point , and sure , we were only 17 , but that didn ’ t stop her from flirting us all the way into Willie ’ s bus !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ was way messier than you ’ d think , and it smelled a little bit of marijuana .
Oh , we were so bad !
” At press time , Aunt Dot revealed a small dolphin tattoo right above her pelvis and went on to tell the room about the crazy night in Cabo where it all went down .

FOX CHAPEL, PA—Taking a sip of her jumbo frozen margarita and asking everyone if they remembered the Dripping Springs Reunion tour, local Aunt Dottie Preston, who is really mom’s friend, announced Thursday that she saw the inside of Willie Nelson’s bus once. “Oh, let me tell you, the year was 1972, but back then, your mom and I—we were no angels,” said the woman everyone affectionately called “Aunt Dot,” who then winked, and proceeded to regale the room with details about how she and “the girls” hopped a fence and then danced their way up to the front row, where your mom and her “perky little rack” caught the eye of one of Willie’s roadies. “Well, once ‘The Serpent’ had eyes for your mom, it was all over. Yeah, she was dating your dad at that point, and sure, we were only 17, but that didn’t stop her from flirting us all the way into Willie’s bus! Believe me when I tell you it was way messier than you’d think, and it smelled a little bit of marijuana. Oh, we were so bad!” At press time, Aunt Dot revealed a small dolphin tattoo right above her pelvis and went on to tell the room about the crazy night in Cabo where it all went down.


theonion--2020-07-23--Clumsy Stealth Drone Surveilling Taliban Base Flees After Accidentally Knocking Over Potted Plant

KABUL , AFGHANISTAN—Completely blowing its cover while trying to gather reconnaissance on the terrorist organization ’ s activities , a clumsy General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper reportedly fled a Taliban base Thursday after accidentally knocking over a potted plant .
Eyewitness accounts confirmed that when the ceramic pot shattered on the concrete floor , the startled unmanned aerial vehicle flew into a nearby alley where it became entangled in several large copper wind chimes .
According to U.S. military sources , the bungling drone then bounded onto a busy thoroughfare where it bumped into a parked car and set off its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of caterers and plowing into a large wedding cake .
Several reports indicated that the pilotless aircraft soon realized that Taliban soldiers were in hot pursuit and attempted to hover perfectly still in an attempt to blend in alongside mannequins in a storefront window .
Sources told reporters that once spotted , the klutzy drone darted off , toppling an entire row of motorcycles before finally making a successful escape .
At press time , the drone had carefully closed the hangar door before turning around to find itself nose-to-nose with the scowling @ @ @ @ @

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Completely blowing its cover while trying to gather reconnaissance on the terrorist organization’s activities, a clumsy General Atomics MQ-9 Reaper reportedly fled a Taliban base Thursday after accidentally knocking over a potted plant. Eyewitness accounts confirmed that when the ceramic pot shattered on the concrete floor, the startled unmanned aerial vehicle flew into a nearby alley where it became entangled in several large copper wind chimes. According to U.S. military sources, the bungling drone then bounded onto a busy thoroughfare where it bumped into a parked car and set off its alarm before wildly careening through a group of caterers and plowing into a large wedding cake. Several reports indicated that the pilotless aircraft soon realized that Taliban soldiers were in hot pursuit and attempted to hover perfectly still in an attempt to blend in alongside mannequins in a storefront window. Sources told reporters that once spotted, the klutzy drone darted off, toppling an entire row of motorcycles before finally making a successful escape. At press time, the drone had carefully closed the hangar door before turning around to find itself nose-to-nose with the scowling Air Force base commander.


theonion--2020-07-23--Asshole Refusing To Pay Reward For Lost Dog As If Poster Specified It Had To Be Alive

WESTMINSTER , CO—Attempting to renege on his original promise by invoking a bullshit technicality , some asshole was reportedly refusing to pay a reward Thursday for returning his lost dog as if the poster specified it had to be alive .
“ The poster clearly said 200 bucks to find the dog , and I did—it ’ s on you if you ’ re not specific on the terms of the reward , pal , ” said local man Miles Pearson , who added that the dog he ’ d returned to the owner was about 25 pounds , had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and answered to the name Daisy , and that if the owner wanted the return of a dog that was also breathing , the poster should have said so .
“ This fucking dickweed set the terms of the dog ’ s return and now he ’ s trying to add conditions , which is clearly horseshit .
When I called the number on the poster , this fuckhead was all like , ‘ How does she seem ?
’ and I said , ‘ Seems fine , ’ and he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And now he ’ s crying and angry and trying to take back his promised reward ?
This is completely on him—if he ’ d specified ‘ alive ’ on the poster , then I wouldn ’ t have put the dog in the trunk.
” Pearson added that he should ’ ve learned his lesson last time when he tried to return the kid he ’ d seen on a milk carton and the kid ’ s asshole parents wouldn ’ t give him anything for a dead one either .

WESTMINSTER, CO—Attempting to renege on his original promise by invoking a bullshit technicality, some asshole was reportedly refusing to pay a reward Thursday for returning his lost dog as if the poster specified it had to be alive. “The poster clearly said 200 bucks to find the dog, and I did—it’s on you if you’re not specific on the terms of the reward, pal,” said local man Miles Pearson, who added that the dog he’d returned to the owner was about 25 pounds, had a distinctive marking behind its left ear, and answered to the name Daisy, and that if the owner wanted the return of a dog that was also breathing, the poster should have said so. “This fucking dickweed set the terms of the dog’s return and now he’s trying to add conditions, which is clearly horseshit. When I called the number on the poster, this fuckhead was all like, ‘How does she seem?’ and I said, ‘Seems fine,’ and he said he’d have the money ready. And now he’s crying and angry and trying to take back his promised reward? This is completely on him—if he’d specified ‘alive’ on the poster, then I wouldn’t have put the dog in the trunk.” Pearson added that he should’ve learned his lesson last time when he tried to return the kid he’d seen on a milk carton and the kid’s asshole parents wouldn’t give him anything for a dead one either.


theonion--2020-07-23--‘It Wasn’t The First Birthday We Imagined, But We Spent The Day Surrounded By Love,’ Begins Elegant

‘It Wasn’t The First Birthday We Imagined, But We Spent The Day Surrounded By Love,’ Begins Elegant Tapestry Of Fabricated Embellishments

MOUNT OLIVE , NJ—Weaving a florid tale of the event ’ s success despite the self-isolation brought about by the coronavirus pandemic , a local Instagram post reportedly began , “ It wasn ’ t the first birthday we imagined , but we spent the day surrounded by love , ” the first thread in an elegant tapestry of fabricated embellishments .
“ This year has been hard on all of us , but it ’ s also been a wonderful experience to go through as a family , and Logan turning 1 was a joyous occasion that reminded us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ read the long , ornately woven canvas spun of exaggerated contrivances , festooned with lie after outright lie .
“ Jeff and I always envisioned celebrating Logan ’ s first birthday at home with my parents and the rest of my family back east , but honestly , getting to spend a lazy Saturday with just the three of us was truly beautiful .
Seeing everyone ’ s smiling faces on the Zoom call filled all three of us with such pure love and joy ( even if Logan was a little fussy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have felt more supported surrounded by family both virtually and a spirit .
It was a beautiful occasion , and just what we all needed.
” The tapestry of sumptuous puffery reportedly concluded with the masterstroke fabrications , “ Love to everyone ” and , “ Hope to see you all soon !
”

MOUNT OLIVE, NJ—Weaving a florid tale of the event’s success despite the self-isolation brought about by the coronavirus pandemic, a local Instagram post reportedly began, “It wasn’t the first birthday we imagined, but we spent the day surrounded by love,” the first thread in an elegant tapestry of fabricated embellishments. “This year has been hard on all of us, but it’s also been a wonderful experience to go through as a family, and Logan turning 1 was a joyous occasion that reminded us all that life goes on,” read the long, ornately woven canvas spun of exaggerated contrivances, festooned with lie after outright lie. “Jeff and I always envisioned celebrating Logan’s first birthday at home with my parents and the rest of my family back east, but honestly, getting to spend a lazy Saturday with just the three of us was truly beautiful. Seeing everyone’s smiling faces on the Zoom call filled all three of us with such pure love and joy (even if Logan was a little fussy!). We couldn’t have felt more supported surrounded by family both virtually and a spirit. It was a beautiful occasion, and just what we all needed.” The tapestry of sumptuous puffery reportedly concluded with the masterstroke fabrications, “Love to everyone” and, “Hope to see you all soon!”


theonion--2020-07-23--Desperate CDC Now Just Claiming Wearing A Mask Will Make You Rich And Famous Beyond Wildest Dreams

ATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19 , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Thursday that suggested putting on a mask was likely to make a person rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams .
“ What we ’ re seeing is that consistently wearing an N95 respirator or cloth mask dramatically increases the wearer ’ s net worth and , sure , wins them the kind of widespread acclaim enjoyed by celebrities like George Clooney , Beyoncé , and Angelina Jolie , ” said CDC director @ @ @ @ @ @ @ simple act of covering one ’ s face would also make that individual extremely strong , boost their cognitive ability tenfold , improve their singing voice , and—why not—increase their sexual potency .
“ We can ’ t get into the mask ’ s exact mechanism , but let ’ s just say that if you put one on right now , I can personally guarantee that your wealth will double in six months and that extremely attractive people will begin wanting to have sex with you .
It ’ s very important @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remainder of the pandemic , though , or you risk losing it all .
Really , this is a can ’ t-lose proposition for any citizen smart enough to know a great deal when they see one.
” Redford concluded that anyone foolish enough not to wear a mask would likely be declaring bankruptcy , filing for divorce , and searching out cures for sexual dysfunction by year ’ s end .

ATLANTA—Desperate to convince the American public to take steps that will stem the spread of Covid-19, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention issued a statement Thursday that suggested putting on a mask was likely to make a person rich and famous beyond their wildest dreams. “What we’re seeing is that consistently wearing an N95 respirator or cloth mask dramatically increases the wearer’s net worth and, sure, wins them the kind of widespread acclaim enjoyed by celebrities like George Clooney, Beyoncé, and Angelina Jolie,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, who argued that the simple act of covering one’s face would also make that individual extremely strong, boost their cognitive ability tenfold, improve their singing voice, and—why not—increase their sexual potency. “We can’t get into the mask’s exact mechanism, but let’s just say that if you put one on right now, I can personally guarantee that your wealth will double in six months and that extremely attractive people will begin wanting to have sex with you. It’s very important to keep wearing the mask for the remainder of the pandemic, though, or you risk losing it all. Really, this is a can’t-lose proposition for any citizen smart enough to know a great deal when they see one.” Redford concluded that anyone foolish enough not to wear a mask would likely be declaring bankruptcy, filing for divorce, and searching out cures for sexual dysfunction by year’s end.


theonion--2020-07-24--Country Time CEO Unsure If Company Supposed To Be Racist Or Not

CHICAGO , IL—Admitting that they had made no significant progress in understanding where they stood in the present climate , @ @ @ @ @ told reporters Thursday that he was unsure if his company was supposed to be racist @ @ @ @ @ , it seems like the name Country Time is idealizing some long lost past of @ @ @ @ @ far as we can see it isn ’ t explicitly related to the antebellum South @ @ @ @ @ said Worth , stressing that that the difficulties were only compounded by Country Time ’ @ @ @ @ @ mascot or vintage advertising spots to go off .
“ There ’ s nothing linking @ @ @ @ @ white supremacy , right ?
Or are there ?
Is the fact that we sponsored @ @ @ @ @ d be straining things , but maybe I ’ m wrong ?
Christ , we @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , the CEO issued an apology after noticing the swastika and @ @ @ @ @ Country Time logo .

CHICAGO, IL—Admitting that they had made no significant progress in understanding where they stood in the present climate, Country Time CEO Howard Worth told reporters Thursday that he was unsure if his company was supposed to be racist or not. “Certainly, it seems like the name Country Time is idealizing some long lost past of rural America, but as far as we can see it isn’t explicitly related to the antebellum South or anything racial,” said Worth, stressing that that the difficulties were only compounded by Country Time’s lack of a clear mascot or vintage advertising spots to go off. “There’s nothing linking lemons or wooden stands to white supremacy, right? Or are there? Is the fact that we sponsored NASCAR something—I think that’d be straining things, but maybe I’m wrong? Christ, we’re completely lost here.” At press time, the CEO issued an apology after noticing the swastika and burning cross hidden in the Country Time logo.


theonion--2020-07-24--How To Ease U.S.–China Tensions

How To Ease U.S.–China Tensions

The Trump administration ordered China to close its Houston , TX consulate as COVID-19 , trade battles , and other issues exacerbate tensions between the two nations .
The Onion looks at potential solutions for easing tensions between the U.S. and China .
Demand formal apology from China for America ’ s handling of coronavirus pandemic .
Wait few more days for Trump to casually declare he ’ s undoing all the stuff he just did .
Focus on what we have in common : human rights violations .
Have Chinese government run U.S. for two weeks and U.S. government @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can truly appreciate how hard the other ’ s job is .
Bond over mutual love and respect for soybeans .
Inform countries that while they ’ ve been distracted by arguing with each other , Paraguay has been talking a ton of shit about them .
Avoid direct confrontation with tried-and-true method of proxy war in Vietnam .
Ease trade tensions by promising Apple stockholders will never have to see conditions of Chinese factories ever again .
Democracy the hell out of them .
Remember that no matter what , these two @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of money off one another .

The Trump administration ordered China to close its Houston, TX consulate as COVID-19, trade battles, and other issues exacerbate tensions between the two nations. The Onion looks at potential solutions for easing tensions between the U.S. and China.
Demand formal apology from China for America’s handling of coronavirus pandemic.
Wait few more days for Trump to casually declare he’s undoing all the stuff he just did.
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Focus on what we have in common: human rights violations.
Have Chinese government run U.S. for two weeks and U.S. government run China for two weeks so they can truly appreciate how hard the other’s job is.
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Bond over mutual love and respect for soybeans.
Inform countries that while they’ve been distracted by arguing with each other, Paraguay has been talking a ton of shit about them.
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Avoid direct confrontation with tried-and-true method of proxy war in Vietnam.
Ease trade tensions by promising Apple stockholders will never have to see conditions of Chinese factories ever again.
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Democracy the hell out of them.
Remember that no matter what, these two countries will always love making a shitload of money off one another.


theonion--2020-07-24--Comic-Con Goes Online For 2020 Festival

Comic-Con Goes Online For 2020 Festival

The 51st San Diego Comic-Con will be held 100 % online this week due to the coronavirus pandemic , with @ @ @ @ @ , and a virtual exhibition hall free to all attendees .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ can replac e the experience of interacting with large corporations in person.
” “ If @ @ @ @ @ how can we tell who the real fans are ?
”

The 51st San Diego Comic-Con will be held 100% online this week due to the coronavirus pandemic, with celebrity panels, new games, and a virtual exhibition hall free to all attendees. What do you think?
“No online festival can replac e the experience of interacting with large corporations in person.” Alicia Matheny, Straw Unwrapper
“If it is free, then how can we tell who the real fans are?” Bob Rotter, Chapstick Tube Supplier
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theonion--2020-07-24--Excited Vlad Guerrero Jr. Can’t Believe He Gets To Keep Foul Ball

TAMPA , FL—Expressing glee that he could hold on to the souvenir for himself without fans in attendance , Blue @ @ @ @ @ Guerrero Jr. told reporters Friday that he couldn ’ t believe he got to keep @ @ @ @ @ A free ball—can ’ t beat that !
” said Guerrero , who tossed it @ @ @ @ @ in amazement after running down a fly ball along the left field wall .
“ @ @ @ @ @ I always have to toss the ball to some kid , but now they ’ @ @ @ @ @ man , I ’ m probably gon na have a whole box of these by @ @ @ @ @ Wait till I show all my friends !
I ’ m keeping this one on @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Guererro was waiting patiently outside the Rays bench trying to get @ @ @ @ @ sign his ball .

TAMPA, FL—Expressing glee that he could hold on to the souvenir for himself without fans in attendance, Blue J ays third baseman Vladimir Guerrero Jr. told reporters Friday that he couldn’t believe he got to keep a foul ball. “A free ball—can’t beat that!” said Guerrero, who tossed it up the air to himself in amazement after running down a fly ball along the left field wall. “This is so cool. I always have to toss the ball to some kid, but now they’re all mine. Oh man, I’m probably gonna have a whole box of these by year’s end. Wait till I show all my friends! I’m keeping this one on my nightstand for sure.” At press time, Guererro was waiting patiently outside the Rays bench trying to get third baseman Yandy Diaz to sign his ball.


theonion--2020-07-24--House Censures Ocasio-Cortez For Using Sexist Slur On Floor Of Congress

WASHINGTON—With its vote to adopt a resolution denouncing the freshman ’ s congresswoman behavior , the House of Representatives formally censured Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Friday for employing the sexist slur “ fucking bitch ” in a speech on the House floor the day prior .
“ The representative from New York ’ s 14th District is hereby condemned for her unapologetic enunciation of these hateful , abusive words , which not only brought disgrace to this esteemed body but were incredibly demeaning to all womankind , ” House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said as he read aloud the official rebuke , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ocasio-Cortez should have known better than to speak aloud the unconscionable term , let alone read it into the Congressional Record .
“ Her appalling speech of July 23 does not reflect the values of the United States Congress , nor does it reflect the example we wish to set for our children—especially our daughters .
While this body will not ask what prompted her to adopt such unprofessional language , it will require the representative to issue an immediate apology to her colleagues or face further disciplinary action for her misconduct.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on to observe that it was too soon to tell just how far back Ocasio-Cortez had set “ young ladies ” in Congress with her “ hysterical ” outburst .

WASHINGTON—With its vote to adopt a resolution denouncing the freshman’s congresswoman behavior, the House of Representatives formally censured Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Friday for employing the sexist slur “fucking bitch” in a speech on the House floor the day prior. “The representative from New York’s 14th District is hereby condemned for her unapologetic enunciation of these hateful, abusive words, which not only brought disgrace to this esteemed body but were incredibly demeaning to all womankind,” House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy said as he read aloud the official rebuke, adding that as a woman herself, Ocasio-Cortez should have known better than to speak aloud the unconscionable term, let alone read it into the Congressional Record. “Her appalling speech of July 23 does not reflect the values of the United States Congress, nor does it reflect the example we wish to set for our children—especially our daughters. While this body will not ask what prompted her to adopt such unprofessional language, it will require the representative to issue an immediate apology to her colleagues or face further disciplinary action for her misconduct.” In his own words, McCarthy went on to observe that it was too soon to tell just how far back Ocasio-Cortez had set “young ladies” in Congress with her “hysterical” outburst.


theonion--2020-07-24--Everything We Learned From The New ‘Halo Infinite’ Gameplay Trailer

Anyone who played the original Halo : Combat Evolved way back in 2001 knows few shooters have reached the giddy heights of awe-inspiring combat and massive battles—that is , until they got a peek at the in-game trailer for 343 Industries ’ first release in the franchise exclusively made for the next generation .
Ready to get your nostalgia button pressed ?
Here ’ s everything we learned from the new Halo Infinite gameplay trailer .
The iconic Warthog vehicle once again returns , though now it has been updated to include a 0.05 % increase in fuel economy on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rearview camera for parallel parking .
Halo himself will not return for Infinite , with much of the story now being devoted to the new main character known as Master Chief .
The new grappling hook tool can be used to scale walls , retrieve items , or set up a backyard zipline for your step-son ’ s birthday party .
The muddy textures , flat lighting , and distracting LOD served as an impressive showcase for Microsoft ’ s latest console the Xbox 360 .
While not much is known about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s safe to assume his name is Justin , he ’ s a father of three , enjoys cooking , playing badminton , exploring the outdoors in the Pacific Northwest , and hopes to one day start an antique store with his wife called Oddities & Curios .
The game will utilize the full capabilities of the Xbox Series X to depict bearded men screaming at Master Chief about how much they hate him .
Master Chief will be navigating planets filled with The Banished , but he ’ ll also be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is male friendship .
The developers have dropped hints that this might be the final Halo title to explore Master Chief ’ s story that Paul McCartney will be alive to play .

Anyone who played the original Halo:Combat Evolved way back in 2001 knows few shooters have reached the giddy heights of awe-inspiring combat and massive battles—that is, until they got a peek at the in-game trailer for 343 Industries’ first release in the franchise exclusively made for the next generation. Ready to get your nostalgia button pressed? Here’s everything we learned from the new Halo Infinite gameplay trailer.
The iconic Warthog vehicle once again returns, though now it has been updated to include a 0.05% increase in fuel economy on city and highway streets and a multi-angle rearview camera for parallel parking.
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Halo himself will not return for Infinite, with much of the story now being devoted to the new main character known as Master Chief.
The new grappling hook tool can be used to scale walls, retrieve items, or set up a backyard zipline for your step-son’s birthday party.
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The muddy textures, flat lighting, and distracting LOD served as an impressive showcase for Microsoft’s latest console the Xbox 360.
While not much is known about the new “Pilot” character, it’s safe to assume his name is Justin, he’s a father of three, enjoys cooking, playing badminton, exploring the outdoors in the Pacific Northwest, and hopes to one day start an antique store with his wife called Oddities & Curios.
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The game will utilize the full capabilities of the Xbox Series X to depict bearded men screaming at Master Chief about how much they hate him.
Master Chief will be navigating planets filled with The Banished, but he’ll also be navigating the difficult, ritualistic dance that is male friendship.
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The developers have dropped hints that this might be the final Halo title to explore Master Chief’s story that Paul McCartney will be alive to play.


theonion--2020-07-24--Taylor Swift Drops Surprise Album

Taylor Swift Drops Surprise Album

Taylor Swift released her eighth album , Folklore , in a surprise midnight release on Thursday , announcing on social @ @ @ @ @ songs during lockdown and in collaboration with Bon Iver , The National , and Jack @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Oh , okay .
This must exp lain why she hadn ’ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ This is making me self-conscious that I haven ’ t released an album @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Taylor Swift released her eighth album, Folklore, in a surprise midnight release on Thursday, announcing on social media that she wrote the songs during lockdown and in collaboration with Bon Iver, The National, and Jack Antonoff. What do you think?
“Oh, okay. This must exp lain why she hadn’t responded to my DMs.” Harrison DiCicco, Unemployed
“Well, I hope she wore a mask during recording.” Guy Danner, Jar Maker
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theonion--2020-07-24--Twitter Bans 7,000 Hate Accounts That Were A Little Too On The Nose

SAN FRANCISCO—Citing the dangerous precedent it set to allow users to continue tweeting without the slightest ounce of nuance or subtlety , Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced Friday that they banned 7,000 hate accounts that were a little too on the nose .
“ As per Twitter ’ s guidelines , there is a zero-tolerance policy for speech that just comes right out and incites violence against certain groups , without giving people the chance to really read between the lines , ” said Dorsey , adding that the social media giant had sent repeated warnings to offenders , asking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whistle phrasing rather than outright doxxing people or threatening to violently murder people in their homes .
“ While we at Twitter value free speech , we simply could not allow these accounts to continue spreading hate and endangering the lives of others in such a hack and , frankly , overdone way .
We hope that removing these accounts sends a powerful message : This type of behavior has no place online , unless it ’ s done with a wink.
” At press time , Dorsey had reinstated the accounts after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ subtle , actually kind of funny way .

SAN FRANCISCO—Citing the dangerous precedent it set to allow users to continue tweeting without the slightest ounce of nuance or subtlety, Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey announced Friday that they banned 7,000 hate accounts that were a little too on the nose. “As per Twitter’s guidelines, there is a zero-tolerance policy for speech that just comes right out and incites violence against certain groups, without giving people the chance to really read between the lines,” said Dorsey, adding that the social media giant had sent repeated warnings to offenders, asking them to use coded messages or dog whistle phrasing rather than outright doxxing people or threatening to violently murder people in their homes. “While we at Twitter value free speech, we simply could not allow these accounts to continue spreading hate and endangering the lives of others in such a hack and, frankly, overdone way. We hope that removing these accounts sends a powerful message: This type of behavior has no place online, unless it’s done with a wink.” At press time, Dorsey had reinstated the accounts after they threatened to kill him in a subtle, actually kind of funny way.


theonion--2020-07-24--Victoria’s Secret Introduces New Sexy Push-Up Jack For Maximum Lift

COLUMBUS , OH—Calling it a “ fun , hydraulic-powered way ” to support curves of all shapes and sizes , @ @ @ @ @ Friday a new sexy push-up jack for maximum lift .
“ Made from a combination @ @ @ @ @ microfiber , and titanium steel , the Victoria ’ s Secret sexy push-up jack is @ @ @ @ @ 5,000 lbs of breast and look amazing doing it , ” said spokesperson Amy Slack @ @ @ @ @ saddles in their flirtatious “ Steel Pump Collection ” came in many styles , sizes @ @ @ @ @ Simply place it on the ground , crank to your desired cup size , and @ @ @ @ @ .
Then , when you ’ re done , slowly lower your breasts , lubricate @ @ @ @ @ patented pink oil , release trapped air from the jack , and put the device @ @ @ @ @ night.
” At press time , Victoria ’ s Secret had added a LED to @ @ @ @ @ brighten up their cleavage .

COLUMBUS, OH—Calling it a “fun, hydraulic-powered way” to support curves of all shapes and sizes, Victoria’s Secret introduced Friday a new sexy push-up jack for maximum lift. “Made from a combination of polyester lace, breathable microfiber, and titanium steel, the Victoria’s Secret sexy push-up jack is guaranteed to lift up to 5,000 lbs of breast and look amazing doing it,” said spokesperson Amy Slack, adding that the loading saddles in their flirtatious “Steel Pump Collection” came in many styles, sizes, and colors. “Simply place it on the ground, crank to your desired cup size, and voila—the results speak for themselves. Then, when you’re done, slowly lower your breasts, lubricate the pressure points with our patented pink oil, release trapped air from the jack, and put the device into your garage for the night.” At press time, Victoria’s Secret had added a LED to the jack so women could brighten up their cleavage.


theonion--2020-07-24--Student Travels To Remote Indian Temple To Train With Legendary Yoga Ball

RISHIKESH , INDIA—Arriving early Friday at a remote Himalayan temple after weeks of strenuous travel , American yoga student Jennifer Miller dressed in the traditional moisture-wicking clothing required of pilgrims , unrolled her ceremonial rubber mat , and began his training under the legendary yoga ball known internationally as The Round One .
“ Ever since my guru tasked me with reading Ball Rishi ’ s book , I have known that the only way to truly elevate my yogic discipline would be to make the brutal journey out here and bask in his wisdom for myself , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ director from Sacramento , California , who undertook a six-day trek through flooded Ganges marshland in 100-degree heat to reach the steps of the ancient studio where the famed orb resides with his coterie of yoga blocks .
“ This most revered ball is rumored to be nearly 150 years old and is said to have spent its entire existence , since mere moments after its inflation , in the practice of yoga .
Its methods may be controversial , as the ball has transcended beyond the need for food and water and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ am awed by the amount of mental and spiritual strength necessary for The Round One to sit in utter silent and spherical contemplation for 24 hours a day .
I do not approach this undertaking lightly , but I know if I truly commit myself to the methods of the ball , I will be completely transformed.
” Miller was last seen fleeing into the Himalayan foothills moments after a large popping sound was heard echoing throughout the monastery .

RISHIKESH, INDIA—Arriving early Friday at a remote Himalayan temple after weeks of strenuous travel, American yoga student Jennifer Miller dressed in the traditional moisture-wicking clothing required of pilgrims, unrolled her ceremonial rubber mat, and began his training under the legendary yoga ball known internationally as The Round One. “Ever since my guru tasked me with reading Ball Rishi’s book, I have known that the only way to truly elevate my yogic discipline would be to make the brutal journey out here and bask in his wisdom for myself,” said Miller, a yoga devotee and marketing director from Sacramento, California, who undertook a six-day trek through flooded Ganges marshland in 100-degree heat to reach the steps of the ancient studio where the famed orb resides with his coterie of yoga blocks. “This most revered ball is rumored to be nearly 150 years old and is said to have spent its entire existence, since mere moments after its inflation, in the practice of yoga. Its methods may be controversial, as the ball has transcended beyond the need for food and water and subsists only on breath, but I am awed by the amount of mental and spiritual strength necessary for The Round One to sit in utter silent and spherical contemplation for 24 hours a day. I do not approach this undertaking lightly, but I know if I truly commit myself to the methods of the ball, I will be completely transformed.” Miller was last seen fleeing into the Himalayan foothills moments after a large popping sound was heard echoing throughout the monastery.


theonion--2020-07-27--Trump Advisors Say Americans Will Get Second $1,200 Stimulus Check

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and White House advisor Larry Kudlow both asserted this weekend that the next round of coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ $ 1,200 check for Americans making less than $ 75,000 a year .
What do @ @ @ @ @ wish I ’ d known that before I wasted the first one feeding my family.
@ @ @ @ @ looks like it ’ s us poor people who are rolling in the dough now @ @ @ @ @ ve never been so grateful to work in an industry that pays so poorly .
@

Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin and White House advisor Larry Kudlow both asserted this weekend that the next round of coronavirus relief legislation will include another $1,200 check for Americans making less than $75,000 a year. What do you think?
“I wish I’d known that before I wasted the first one feeding my family.” Austen Lange • Toilet Engineer
“Sorry one-percenters, looks like it’s us poor people who are rolling in the dough now!” Cora Amaral • Email Influencer
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theonion--2020-07-27--Closed Ballpark Forces Thousands Of Phillies Fans To Be Content Verbally Threatening Friends And Fam

Closed Ballpark Forces Thousands Of Phillies Fans To Be Content Verbally Threatening Friends And Family

PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that it was just not the same without the communal atmosphere of a live game , thousands of Phillies fans reported Monday that the closing of Citizens Bank Park has forced them to be content verbally threatening their friends and family .
“ I ’ m glad baseball is back , but screaming at my daughter to sit the fuck down is a poor substitute for the experience of harassing strangers at a ballpark , ” said local fan Mike D ’ Amato , who revealed that without the outlet of going to see baseball live , he had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at his dog and intentional bumping into his son before challenging him to a fight .
“ Live games just have this energy you can ’ t replicate .
When I shove my kid into a wall and threaten to put him in a wheelchair for life , it doesn ’ t have the same sense of excitement as it does with another fan .
Sure , I can still get drunk , but yelling ‘ homo ’ at my wife isn ’ t as fulfilling as yelling from the stands at Juan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the one upside of being at home was never being worried that his violent threats would get him ejected from the house .

PHILADELPHIA—Lamenting that it was just not the same without the communal atmosphere of a live game, thousands of Phillies fans reported Monday that the closing of Citizens Bank Park has forced them to be content verbally threatening their friends and family. “I’m glad baseball is back, but screaming at my daughter to sit the fuck down is a poor substitute for the experience of harassing strangers at a ballpark,” said local fan Mike D’Amato, who revealed that without the outlet of going to see baseball live, he had to spend the afternoon whipping beer bottles at his dog and intentional bumping into his son before challenging him to a fight. “Live games just have this energy you can’t replicate. When I shove my kid into a wall and threaten to put him in a wheelchair for life, it doesn’t have the same sense of excitement as it does with another fan. Sure, I can still get drunk, but yelling ‘homo’ at my wife isn’t as fulfilling as yelling from the stands at Juan Soto.” D’Amato added that the one upside of being at home was never being worried that his violent threats would get him ejected from the house.


theonion--2020-07-27--More Cities Offering Drive-Thru Covid Injection Sites To Put Citizens Out Of Misery

STANFORD , CA—In a survey of how the nation ’ s local officials have responded to the pandemic in the absence of a consistent federal approach , Stanford University researchers confirmed Monday that more cities have begun offering drive-thru Covid-19 injection sites to put citizens out of their misery .
“ By injecting people with SARS-CoV-2 , these pop-up locations provide an effective way to escape the endless anguish , gloom , and isolation this virus has inflicted upon us—and all from the convenience of one ’ s car , ” said report co-author Sara Pappas , explaining that a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inevitably die , but whether through death or immunity , all those infected receive sweet release from an untenable situation they just can ’ t take anymore .
“ Individuals who have experienced feelings of hopelessness or despair in recent months may wish to seek out one of these drive-up facilities .
Restaurant and service workers who interact with the public on a regular basis can generally receive their injections for free , and those with health insurance are covered as well , with most insurers paying the full cost of the injection @ @ @ @ @ @ @ subsequent hospitalizations.
” Pappas went on to state that if only 80 to 90 % of Americans would visit these Covid-19 injection sites , the pandemic would be over in weeks .

STANFORD, CA—In a survey of how the nation’s local officials have responded to the pandemic in the absence of a consistent federal approach, Stanford University researchers confirmed Monday that more cities have begun offering drive-thru Covid-19 injection sites to put citizens out of their misery. “By injecting people with SARS-CoV-2, these pop-up locations provide an effective way to escape the endless anguish, gloom, and isolation this virus has inflicted upon us—and all from the convenience of one’s car,” said report co-author Sara Pappas, explaining that a certain percentage of those receiving the injection inevitably die, but whether through death or immunity, all those infected receive sweet release from an untenable situation they just can’t take anymore. “Individuals who have experienced feelings of hopelessness or despair in recent months may wish to seek out one of these drive-up facilities. Restaurant and service workers who interact with the public on a regular basis can generally receive their injections for free, and those with health insurance are covered as well, with most insurers paying the full cost of the injection and up to 10% of any subsequent hospitalizations.” Pappas went on to state that if only 80 to 90% of Americans would visit these Covid-19 injection sites, the pandemic would be over in weeks.


theonion--2020-07-27--Rep. Yoho Removed From Charity Board Over Sexist Comments Toward Ocasio-Cortez

The Christian non-profit Bread for the World announced that they have asked Florida Rep. Ted Yoho to resign from their @ @ @ @ @ Ocasio-Cortez a “ fucking bitch , ” saying “ his behavior in the past few @ @ @ @ @ values of respect and compassion that Jesus calls on us to exhibit every day and @ @ @ @ @ members.
” What do you think ?
“ Wow , you know you messed up @ @ @ @ @ resign.
” “ So he messes up and gets rewarded with more free time ?
@

The Christian non-profit Bread for the World announced that they have asked Florida Rep. Ted Yoho to resign from their board after he called Rep. Ocasio-Cortez a “fucking bitch,” saying “his behavior in the past few days does not reflect the values of respect and compassion that Jesus calls on us to exhibit every day and we expect from our board members.” What do you think?
“Wow, you know you messed up when Jesus wants you to resign.” Chandler Forsythe, Unemployed
“Now the board can focus on defeating the real fucking bitch: Beelzebub.” BreeAnna Landell, Wasp Keeper
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theonion--2020-07-27--Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Home

Defensive Chicago Police Officer Perfectly Capable Of Disappearing Protestors Without Help From Homeland Security

CHICAGO—Expressing frustration over officials ignoring his years of on-the-job experience and finely honed skills , defensive Chicago police officer Dylan Wilson told reporters Monday that he was perfectly capable of disappearing protesters without help from the Department of Homeland Security .
“ It ’ s quite frankly insulting that these federal agents think we need their assistance violating the civil rights of lawful protesters by rounding them up and throwing them into jail cells , ” said Wilson , explaining that the federal government couldn ’ t even begin to match the Chicago Police Department ’ s ability to terrorize @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guys are amateurs compared to us .
Chicago P.D .
wrote the book on stifling dissidents and covering the whole thing up .
We have a whole system of dehumanizing demonstrators that ’ s been in place for over 100 years , and they think they can come in on day one and tell us how things work ?
Give me a fucking break.
” At press time , Wilson was humbled after realizing he could disappear even more protesters by setting aside his differences with the federal agents and working together to @ @ @

CHICAGO—Expressing frustration over officials ignoring his years of on-the-job experience and finely honed skills, defensive Chicago police officer Dylan Wilson told reporters Monday that he was perfectly capable of disappearing protesters without help from the Department of Homeland Security. “It’s quite frankly insulting that these federal agents think we need their assistance violating the civil rights of lawful protesters by rounding them up and throwing them into jail cells,” said Wilson, explaining that the federal government couldn’t even begin to match the Chicago Police Department’s ability to terrorize the community. “Honestly, those guys are amateurs compared to us. Chicago P.D. wrote the book on stifling dissidents and covering the whole thing up. We have a whole system of dehumanizing demonstrators that’s been in place for over 100 years, and they think they can come in on day one and tell us how things work? Give me a fucking break.” At press time, Wilson was humbled after realizing he could disappear even more protesters by setting aside his differences with the federal agents and working together to brutalize citizens.


theonion--2020-07-27--Whoopsies: The Vatican Has Ruled That Nintendo Committed A Venial Sin After Imbuing Lifeless Paper P

Whoopsies: The Vatican Has Ruled That Nintendo Committed A Venial Sin After Imbuing Lifeless Paper Products With The Soul Of Mario

We ’ ve got some embarrassing news , gamers .
After Paper Mario : The Origami King ’ s positive reception and solid sales , we thought Nintendo was sitting pretty for the summer .
But a recent papal brief issued from Vatican City suggests that the iconic video game company might have stepped in it with the Catholic Church .
According to Pope Francis ’ latest papal bull , Verbum Chartum , Nintendo committed a venial sin when they imbued a lifeless paper product with the soul of Mario .
Whoopsies .
Sounds like Nintendo might need to clutch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ few extra “ Hail Marys ” to get back in the Lord ’ s good graces !
“ The messianic message of Christ and His activity among people affirm the truth that the soul can not transmigrate , and certainly can not pass into an origami form as Nintendo mistakenly asserts in The Origami King , ” wrote Pope Francis in an 2,500-word treatise addressed to the faith ’ s 1.3 billion faithful , suggesting that those who took part in Paper Mario ’ s creation or even played the RPG out of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of God .
“ Let us not forget the great teaching offered by Saint John Paul II in his Dives In Misericordia encyclical , that the Lord created humanity in His image—not as a 2D sheet of paper invested with the soul of a plumber able to crush Goombas with a blow from his Legendary Hammer.
” “ Simply put , a lifeless origami doll invested with the soul of Mario , Peach , Bowser , or Luigi is an affront to the word of Our Heavenly Father , ” the Bishop of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mercy on [ Game Director ] Masahiko Nagaya ’ s soul and the souls of all who enjoy playing this perversion of nature.
” Sorry , gamers !
Looks like the very act of playing Paper Mario is going to get you sent to Purgatory !
Thankfully , it ’ s only a venial sin , so you can atone for it by going to confession , performing penance , and even getting extreme unction on your deathbed .
Despite the harsh words from the Holy See , Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa stood @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , simply recommending that Paper Mario : Origami King ’ s creative team and fans regularly attend confessional and remember to say their “ Our Fathers ” while expressing regret that the Vatican had chosen to excommunicate Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser and gaming icon Shigeru Miyamoto for their unforgivable decision to give life to that to which God did not give a living soul .
Oof .
Nintendo really stepped in it this time !
We can only hope Nintendo and the Catholic Church patch things up .
We haven ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ John Paul ’ s apostolic letter Novo Millennio Ineunte , which repeatedly condemned Dr. Mario for his history of performing abortions .

We’ve got some embarrassing news, gamers. After Paper Mario: The Origami King’s positive reception and solid sales, we thought Nintendo was sitting pretty for the summer. But a recent papal brief issued from Vatican City suggests that the iconic video game company might have stepped in it with the Catholic Church. According to Pope Francis’ latest papal bull, Verbum Chartum, Nintendo committed a venial sin when they imbued a lifeless paper product with the soul of Mario.
Whoopsies. Sounds like Nintendo might need to clutch their rosary beads close and say a few extra “Hail Marys” to get back in the Lord’s good graces!
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“The messianic message of Christ and His activity among people affirm the truth that the soul cannot transmigrate, and certainly cannot pass into an origami form as Nintendo mistakenly asserts in The Origami King,” wrote Pope Francis in an 2,500-word treatise addressed to the faith’s 1.3 billion faithful, suggesting that those who took part in Paper Mario’s creation or even played the RPG out of curiosity had unquestionably trespassed in the eyes of God. “Let us not forget the great teaching offered by Saint John Paul II in his Dives In Misericordia encyclical, that the Lord created humanity in His image—not as a 2D sheet of paper invested with the soul of a plumber able to crush Goombas with a blow from his Legendary Hammer.”
“Simply put, a lifeless origami doll invested with the soul of Mario, Peach, Bowser, or Luigi is an affront to the word of Our Heavenly Father,” the Bishop of Rome continued. “May God have mercy on [Game Director] Masahiko Nagaya’s soul and the souls of all who enjoy playing this perversion of nature.”
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Sorry, gamers! Looks like the very act of playing Paper Mario is going to get you sent to Purgatory! Thankfully, it’s only a venial sin, so you can atone for it by going to confession, performing penance, and even getting extreme unction on your deathbed.
Despite the harsh words from the Holy See, Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa stood by the company’s artistic decisions, simply recommending that Paper Mario: Origami King’s creative team and fans regularly attend confessional and remember to say their “Our Fathers” while expressing regret that the Vatican had chosen to excommunicate Nintendo of America President Doug Bowser and gaming icon Shigeru Miyamoto for their unforgivable decision to give life to that to which God did not give a living soul.
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Oof. Nintendo really stepped in it this time! We can only hope Nintendo and the Catholic Church patch things up. We haven’t seen things this bad since Pope John Paul’s apostolic letter Novo Millennio Ineunte, which repeatedly condemned Dr. Mario for his history of performing abortions.


theonion--2020-07-27--Irresponsible Man Not Even Doing Part To Develop Coronavirus Vaccine

PHOENIX—Expressing frustration over his cavalier attitude toward the pandemic , community sources confirmed Monday that local man Larry Baker wasn @ @ @ @ @ part to develop a coronavirus vaccine .
“ Doesn ’ t this guy know that @ @ @ @ @ together , we could create a vaccine in a matter of days , ” said @ @ @ @ @ Diaz , who feared she was living in a country full of people who can @ @ @ @ @ do basic laboratory research to identify antigens for the greater good of humanity .
“ @ @ @ @ @ their response , but this is on our hands now .
Look at how selfish @ @ @ @ @ his kids are working on a vaccine , either .
I mean , sure , @ @ @ @ @ vaccine research , but it doesn ’ t really matter if she ’ s the @ @ @ @ @ time , shoppers confronted Baker demanding that he start administering clinical trials .

PHOENIX—Expressing frustration over his cavalier attitude toward the pandemic, community sources confirmed Monday that local man Larry Baker wasn’t even doing his part to develop a coronavirus vaccine. “Doesn’t this guy know that if we pooled our resources together, we could create a vaccine in a matter of days,” said fellow grocery store shopper Sarit Diaz, who feared she was living in a country full of people who can’t be inconvenienced to do basic laboratory research to identify antigens for the greater good of humanity. “The government might have mishandled their response, but this is on our hands now. Look at how selfish he is. None of his kids are working on a vaccine, either. I mean, sure, his wife is donating to vaccine research, but it doesn’t really matter if she’s the only one.” At press time, shoppers confronted Baker demanding that he start administering clinical trials.


theonion--2020-07-27--Bush Administration Reunites On Zoom For Table Read Of National Intelligence Brief Used To Justify I

Bush Administration Reunites On Zoom For Table Read Of National Intelligence Brief Used To Justify Iraq War

DALLAS—Catering to fans of the iconic global conflict that ran from 2003 to 2011 , the major figures from the George W. Bush administration reunited on Zoom Monday for a table read of the National Intelligence Assessment used to justify the invasion of Iraq .
“ The country ’ s going through some difficult times right now , and we just thought it would be fun to get the old gang back together to read the document that kicked off Operation Iraqi Freedom all those years ago , ” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld of the reunion special @ @ @ @ @ @ @ included key players Paul Wolfowitz , Dick Cheney , and even longtime holdout Colin Powell reprising their classic roles from the original military intervention .
“ I have to admit , I was shocked when I first sat down to re-read it , because so much of what was originally on the page never even ended up getting broadcast to America—some of the most memorable lines , like the ones about Saddam ’ s nuclear capabilities or the links to al Qaeda , were just riffs that we made up on the fly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a challenge to recreate that energy 17 years later and over the internet , but pretty soon we got back in the swing of things and started having as much fun as ever—honestly , it ’ s wild , some of the stuff they let us get away with back then .
And sure , not all of it holds up , but I think people will get a real nostalgia boost out of reliving one of the undisputed highlights of the early 2000s.
” Rumsfeld added that thanks to a generous @ @ @ @ @ @ @ table read had successfully raised over $ 20 million for The Heritage Foundation .

DALLAS—Catering to fans of the iconic global conflict that ran from 2003 to 2011, the major figures from the George W. Bush administration reunited on Zoom Monday for a table read of the National Intelligence Assessment used to justify the invasion of Iraq. “The country’s going through some difficult times right now, and we just thought it would be fun to get the old gang back together to read the document that kicked off Operation Iraqi Freedom all those years ago,” said former Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld of the reunion special that was broadcast live on YouTube and included key players Paul Wolfowitz, Dick Cheney, and even longtime holdout Colin Powell reprising their classic roles from the original military intervention. “I have to admit, I was shocked when I first sat down to re-read it, because so much of what was originally on the page never even ended up getting broadcast to America—some of the most memorable lines, like the ones about Saddam’s nuclear capabilities or the links to al Qaeda, were just riffs that we made up on the fly. So, it was a bit of a challenge to recreate that energy 17 years later and over the internet, but pretty soon we got back in the swing of things and started having as much fun as ever—honestly, it’s wild, some of the stuff they let us get away with back then. And sure, not all of it holds up, but I think people will get a real nostalgia boost out of reliving one of the undisputed highlights of the early 2000s.” Rumsfeld added that thanks to a generous outpouring of support by viewers, the table read had successfully raised over $20 million for The Heritage Foundation.


theonion--2020-07-27--Missing Teen Looks Like He Can Probably Take Care of Himself Out There

ARLINGTON , MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he ’ d fare all right , observers of a missing person poster confirmed Monday that the young man pictured looked like he could probably take care of himself out there .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong , it ’ s a drag that they can ’ t find him , but from what I can see he ’ s got a pretty strong frame and I don ’ t think it would kill him to sleep on a park bench for a couple of nights , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ noting that the teenager ’ s spry build and youthful exuberance meant he would most likely bounce back from any trauma resulting from attempted muggings or scuffles with other homeless individuals .
“ I remember at that age I was in peak physical condition and basically felt like I was invincible , and there ’ s no way I was in as good of shape as this kid is .
Plus , he ’ s got a really kind-looking face , so I bet it wouldn ’ t be hard to get someone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him a few bucks for a motel room.
” Klause went on to admit that if it turned out the missing teen had a chemical dependency or mental health issues , he was pretty much fucked .

ARLINGTON, MA—Noting that from a quick glance it seemed like he’d fare all right, observers of a missing person poster confirmed Monday that the young man pictured looked like he could probably take care of himself out there. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s a drag that they can’t find him, but from what I can see he’s got a pretty strong frame and I don’t think it would kill him to sleep on a park bench for a couple of nights,” said local man Drew Klause, noting that the teenager’s spry build and youthful exuberance meant he would most likely bounce back from any trauma resulting from attempted muggings or scuffles with other homeless individuals. “I remember at that age I was in peak physical condition and basically felt like I was invincible, and there’s no way I was in as good of shape as this kid is. Plus, he’s got a really kind-looking face, so I bet it wouldn’t be hard to get someone to take pity on him and give him a few bucks for a motel room.” Klause went on to admit that if it turned out the missing teen had a chemical dependency or mental health issues, he was pretty much fucked.


theonion--2020-07-27--Nation’s CEOs Sign Pledge To Continue Fucking Over Americans

OPR has the latest on the One Percent ’ s shining commitment to oppress the powerless , even in the @ @ @ @ @ the pandemic .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

OPR has the latest on the One Percent’s shining commitment to oppress the powerless, even in the face of economic uncertainty during the pandemic.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-28--Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 28, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 28, 2020

Once all the goats are rounded up , the German tourists are extradited , and the syrup trucks are returned @ @ @ @ @ to admit that you never saw that one coming .

Libra | Sept. 23 to Oct. 22
Don’t sink to the level of those who would drag you down with their judicious criticism. Instead, listen to those who praise you indiscriminately no matter what.


theonion--2020-07-28--Missing Red Panda Returns To Columbus Zoo

A two-year-old red panda named Kora has returned on her own accord after escaping from her enclosure at the Columbus @ @ @ @ @ , relieving staff members who say she recently gave birth to two cubs .
What @ @ @ @ @ I guess she turned back once she saw what the rest of Columbus was like.
@ @ @ @ @ night off every now and then .
”

A two-year-old red panda named Kora has returned on her own accord after escaping from her enclosure at the Columbus Zoo in Ohio last week, relieving staff members who say she recently gave birth to two cubs. What do you think?
“I guess she turned back once she saw what the rest of Columbus was like.” Jon Moreno • Stop Watch Reviewer
“I don’t think it’s fair to judge someone else’s parenting style.” Greg Lucero • Sealant Applier
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