theonion--2020-09-14--The Onion’s Fall 2020 TV Preview

The Onion’s Fall 2020 TV Preview

While the coronavirus pandemic has caused delays in television production , dozens of new and returning shows are coming to viewers ’ TV screens and streaming services this fall .
The Onion looks at the most highly anticipated shows of the fall .
Ratched ( Netflix ) : Ryan Murphy ’ s prequel to One Flew Over The Cuckoo ’ s Nest explores a grim world where the American healthcare system is brutal and uncaring .
Supermarket Sweep ( ABC ) : Raising the stakes on a classic competition show , contestants search grocery aisles frantically for items that have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ninja Warrior ( NBC ) : They ’ re just shooting at people this season .
Woke ( Hulu ) : Sometimes when a network executive says they ’ re looking for a new type of show , you can just name the show after the word they used to describe their vision and they ’ ll buy it .
Deutschland 89 ( Sundance TV ) : Don ’ t worry , we ’ ll save you a write-up for a show you have no intention of ever seeing .
The Weakest Link @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you kind of remember this ?
From 15 years ago ?
Well , guess what ?
Funny And Thoughtful Show With Minority Lead ( Netflix ) : This has been canceled .
Houses ( HGTV ) : Houses from both inside and out .
Chef ’ s Table ( Netflix ) : This season focuses on what famous chefs microwave in the middle of the night when they come home too drunk to cook .
Various Commercials Featuring Employees Wearing Masks Who Seem Happy To Be At Work ( Everywhere ) : Lots @ @ @ @

While the coronavirus pandemic has caused delays in television production, dozens of new and returning shows are coming to viewers’ TV screens and streaming services this fall. The Onion looks at the most highly anticipated shows of the fall.
Ratched (Netflix): Ryan Murphy’s prequel to One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest explores a grim world where the American healthcare system is brutal and uncaring.
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Supermarket Sweep (ABC): Raising the stakes on a classic competition show, contestants search grocery aisles frantically for items that have been sold out since March.
American Ninja Warrior (NBC): They’re just shooting at people this season.
Woke (Hulu): Sometimes when a network executive says they’re looking for a new type of show, you can just name the show after the word they used to describe their vision and they’ll buy it.
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Deutschland 89 (Sundance TV): Don’t worry, we’ll save you a write-up for a show you have no intention of ever seeing.
The Weakest Link (NBC): Hey, maybe you kind of remember this? From 15 years ago? Well, guess what?
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Funny And Thoughtful Show With Minority Lead (Netflix): This has been canceled.
Houses (HGTV): Houses from both inside and out.
Chef’s Table (Netflix): This season focuses on what famous chefs microwave in the middle of the night when they come home too drunk to cook.
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Various Commercials Featuring Employees Wearing Masks Who Seem Happy To Be At Work (Everywhere): Lots more of these.


theonion--2020-09-14--New Disarmament Treaty Calls For World Powers To All Fire Their Nuclear Stockpiles At Fiji

The world is a safer place today .
Hear what went into the unprecedented , unilateral agreement to obliterate the @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The world is a safer place today. Hear what went into the unprecedented, unilateral agreement to obliterate the 7,000-square-mile island.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-14--‘Keanu’ Rises In Ranks Of Popular Baby Names

The Social Security Administration ’ s annual index of popular baby names reveals the name ‘ Keanu ’ surged 177 @ @ @ @ @ 630th , likely due to the career comeback of Matrix and John Wick star Keanu @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ People are always jumping on dumb trends like having babies.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ takes the time to find out an actor ’ s name ?
” “ If @ @ @ @ @ , they ’ d give their babies his last name , too .
”

The Social Security Administration’s annual index of popular baby names reveals the name ‘Keanu’ surged 177 spots to the rank of 630th, likely due to the career comeback of Matrix and John Wick star Keanu Reeves. What do you think?
“People are always jumping on dumb trends like having babies.” Geoff Jackson • Grease Trap Merchant
“What kind of creepy stalker takes the time to find out an actor’s name?” Kerry Anderson • Virtual Surgeon
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theonion--2020-09-14--Orcas Wage Attacks On Sailing Boats In Spain

Authorities say a group of killer whales have been surrounding and then ramming sailboats along the Spanish coast , often @ @ @ @ @ encounters that scientists are calling both concerning and abnormal .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ d like to wake up and hear some good news about Spanish sailboats.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ sure what took them so long to start fighting back.
” “ Further proof that @ @ @ @ @ boat .
”

Authorities say a group of killer whales have been surrounding and then ramming sailboats along the Spanish coast, often damaging the vessels in violent encounters that scientists are calling both concerning and abnormal. What do you think?
“Just once I’d like to wake up and hear some good news about Spanish sailboats.” Max Wittliff, Systems Analyst
“I’m honestly not sure what took them so long to start fighting back.” Taylor Southerland, Mortar And Pestle Specialist
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theonion--2020-09-14--Nation Infuriated Sunday Comic Strips Still Wildly Unsynchronized With Weekday Storylines

WASHINGTON—Bristling with anger as they paged through the news over breakfast , the nation was reportedly furious this weekend that the narratives of the comic strips in their Sunday papers remained wildly unsynchronized with the plots of their Monday through Saturday counterparts .
“ Goddamnit , just yesterday I was reading contently about how Funky Winkerbean had placed third in a charity fun-run , and now they ’ ve dropped that thread entirely for some flashy , full-color story that tells me absolutely nothing about what happens next , ” said longtime Indianapolis Star subscriber Dale Terry , 68 , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as he wondered aloud when comic-strip creators would finally be held to account for the completely arbitrary and discontinuous sequencing they inflicted on readers each Sunday .
“ It ’ s like the past six days never even happened .
And these cartoonists have been doing the same thing—week in and week out—for years .
Some of us just want to experience Alley Oop and Gasoline Alley in a properly sequenced chronology , for Christ ’ s sake !
I may just call up the comic-strip syndicates and demand somebody do something about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ confirmed Terry had forgotten to phone in his demands because he was too busy chuckling at the “ Dog Gone Funny ” panel in Sunday ’ s Marmaduke .

WASHINGTON—Bristling with anger as they paged through the news over breakfast, the nation was reportedly furious this weekend that the narratives of the comic strips in their Sunday papers remained wildly unsynchronized with the plots of their Monday through Saturday counterparts. “Goddamnit , just yesterday I was reading contently about how Funky Winkerbean had placed third in a charity fun-run, and now they’ve dropped that thread entirely for some flashy, full-color story that tells me absolutely nothing about what happens next,” said longtime Indianapolis Star subscriber Dale Terry, 68, echoing the sentiments of millions of Americans as he wondered aloud when comic-strip creators would finally be held to account for the completely arbitrary and discontinuous sequencing they inflicted on readers each Sunday. “It’s like the past six days never even happened. And these cartoonists have been doing the same thing—week in and week out—for years. Some of us just want to experience Alley Oop and Gasoline Alley in a properly sequenced chronology, for Christ’s sake! I may just call up the comic-strip syndicates and demand somebody do something about it.” At press time, reports confirmed Terry had forgotten to phone in his demands because he was too busy chuckling at the “Dog Gone Funny” panel in Sunday’s Marmaduke.


theonion--2020-09-14--Deli Worker Searches For Palest, Mealiest Tomato To Put On Customer’s Sandwich

YARMOUTH , MA—Expressing exasperation at the limited field of options that could properly adorn the turkey club , Xpress Fresh worker Greg Sacco reportedly searched through a deli tub Monday for the palest , mealiest tomato that he could put on a customer ’ s sandwich .
“ It ’ s tough , because you really want something perfectly wet and flavorless that will make the bread so soggy it ’ s basically dissolving , and I ’ m just not seeing too many great options , ” said Sacco as he held up two potential contenders—one that was mostly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off a putrid scent—before discarding them as inadequate .
“ You can ’ t grab the newly sliced stuff on top .
You have to really reach down to the bottom and get the stuff that ’ s been there losing all its taste for a couple days .
Ugh , some of these have way too much color .
I just want a nice slice that ’ s bland and slightly gritty .
But none of these are really hitting the bar set by that scraggly brown bit of iceberg lettuce that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I supposed to do here ?
” At press time , Sacco had thrown out the sandwich and settled on just making a ham salad on stale rye to wrongly give to the customer instead of her actual order .

YARMOUTH, MA—Expressing exasperation at the limited field of options that could properly adorn the turkey club, Xpress Fresh worker Greg Sacco reportedly searched through a deli tub Monday for the palest, mealiest tomato that he could put on a customer’s sandwich. “It’s tough, because you really want something perfectly wet and flavorless that will make the bread so soggy it’s basically dissolving, and I’m just not seeing too many great options,” said Sacco as he held up two potential contenders—one that was mostly a colorless stem and another that gave off a putrid scent—before discarding them as inadequate. “You can’t grab the newly sliced stuff on top. You have to really reach down to the bottom and get the stuff that’s been there losing all its taste for a couple days. Ugh, some of these have way too much color. I just want a nice slice that’s bland and slightly gritty. But none of these are really hitting the bar set by that scraggly brown bit of iceberg lettuce that I found. God, what am I supposed to do here?”At press time, Sacco had thrown out the sandwich and settled on just making a ham salad on stale rye to wrongly give to the customer instead of her actual order.


theonion--2020-09-14--Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation

Console Wars: Sony Undercuts Xbox’s $500 Price By Printing Counterfeit Bills To Cause Hyperinflation And Make The American Dollar Worthless

Oh boy , gamers , Microsoft is not gon na be happy about this one !
After last week ’ s $ 499 price reveal of the upcoming Xbox Series X , Playstation struck back , printing billions in counterfeit bills and flooding the market to cause hyperinflation , making the American d ollar completely worthless .
Hope you Xbox stans enjoy spending $ 400,000 on a can of Coke !
Gamers have been waiting with baited breath for Sony ’ s response to the Series X price , remembering gleefully that the company drew blood last generation by pricing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than the Xbox One .
Thankfully , the machiavellian masterminds at Sony did not disappoint , with their gambit sending U.S. markets into a historic panic that has led to Americans carrying around wheelbarrows full of cash , begging retailers to take anything for food , and hoarding clean water and firearms .
Sorry Microsoft , but you can ’ t make money if money doesn ’ t even mean anything anymore !
Xbox took a calculated risk by continuing to price their console at a premium , hoping the higher margins would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but Sony did not miss a beat in flooding the American money market with cheap cash and phony currency , completely breaking down the very system Microsoft hoped to rely on .
We ’ re guessing that far fewer gamers are going to be willing to barter for a Series X using sacks of potatoes and goats—the few products with tangible value now that the country ’ s markets have imploaded due to hyperinflation .
If you ’ re a Sony fan , you got ta love the thought of getting one over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how cold , hungry , and terrified you might be about the impending collapse of human society .
Still , you can never count out a console- maker like Microsoft until it ’ s over , especially in an epic rivalry like this .
In fact , we ’ re already hearing reports that Microsoft execs have gathered a pile a sharpened sticks and started throwing stones at the windows of the Sony of America headquarters in order to tempt them into a hand -to-hand brawl to end their efforts at currency manipulation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is the future looks bright , because when two tech giants like this clash , gamers win !

Oh boy, gamers, Microsoft is not gonna be happy about this one! After last week’s $499 price reveal of the upcoming Xbox Series X, Playstation struck back, printing billions in counterfeit bills and flooding the market to cause hyperinflation, making the American d ollar completely worthless.
Hope you Xbox stans enjoy spending $400,000 on a can of Coke!
Gamers have been waiting with baited breath for Sony’s response to the Series X price, remembering gleefully that the company drew blood last generation by pricing the Playstation 4 at $100 less than the Xbox One. Thankfully, the machiavellian masterminds at Sony did not disappoint, with their gambit sending U.S. markets into a historic panic that has led to Americans carrying around wheelbarrows full of cash, begging retailers to take anything for food, and hoarding clean water and firearms. Sorry Microsoft, but you can’t make money if money doesn’t even mean anything anymore!
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Xbox took a calculated risk by continuing to price their console at a premium, hoping the higher margins would cover the cost of new technology, but Sony did not miss a beat in flooding the American money market with cheap cash and phony currency, completely breaking down the very system Microsoft hoped to rely on. We’re guessing that far fewer gamers are going to be willing to barter for a Series X using sacks of potatoes and goats—the few products with tangible value now that the country’s markets have imploaded due to hyperinflation. If you’re a Sony fan, you gotta love the thought of getting one over on Microsoft like this, no matter how cold, hungry, and terrified you might be about the impending collapse of human society.
Still, you can never count out a console- maker like Microsoft until it’s over, especially in an epic rivalry like this. In fact, we’re already hearing reports that Microsoft execs have gathered a pile a sharpened sticks and started throwing stones at the windows of the Sony of America headquarters in order to tempt them into a hand -to-hand brawl to end their efforts at currency manipulation. All we can say for sure is the future looks bright, because when two tech giants like this clash, gamers win!


theonion--2020-09-14--Man Assures Friend Watching ‘The Flintstones’ Series That He Just Has To Stick With It Through J.L.

Man Assures Friend Watching ‘The Flintstones’ Series That He Just Has To Stick With It Through J.L. Gotrocks Arc

‘ That ’ s When It Really Takes Off , ’ Says Fan AKRON , OH—Stressing that continuing to watch the animated television series would be worth it in the long run , local man Collin North reportedly assured his friend Brice Mitchell Monday that he just had to stick with The Flintstones through the J.L .
Gotrocks arc .
“ I get it , the whole mistaken-identity thing isn ’ t exactly the show ’ s finest hour , but if you can just power through the Gotrocks Corp. stuff , that ’ s when The Flintstones really takes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he definitely didn ’ t recommend his friend skip the Gotrocks episode since it also laid important groundwork for future story arcs in the series .
“ It might be a little boring in the thick of Fred and Barney signing up for the army , but ultimately the series is really an intricate tapestry and you have to give the writers room to weave it .
Plus then you ’ ll eventually get to the third season , which is absolutely the golden age of The Flintstones .
But those classic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Water Buffaloes Convention in Frantic City and the heartrending one where Fred hires Lollobrickida the French maid wouldn ’ t resonate as deeply if it hadn ’ t been for the careful foundation the Flintstones writers built back in season one .
Just wait until season four , when Barney Rubble really comes into his own as a character .
Honestly , I ’ m jealous that you get to watch it for the first time.
” North assured his friend that if he stuck with The Flintstones he would also finally understand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ constantly sending in the group chat .

‘That’s When It Really Takes Off,’ Says Fan
AKRON, OH—Stressing that continuing to watch the animated television series would be worth it in the long run, local man Collin North reportedly assured his friend Brice Mitchell Monday that he just had to stick with The Flintstones through the J.L. Gotrocks arc. “I get it, the whole mistaken-identity thing isn’t exactly the show’s finest hour, but if you can just power through the Gotrocks Corp. stuff, that’s when The Flintstones really takes off,” said North, adding that he definitely didn’t recommend his friend skip the Gotrocks episode since it also laid important groundwork for future story arcs in the series. “It might be a little boring in the thick of Fred and Barney signing up for the army, but ultimately the series is really an intricate tapestry and you have to give the writers room to weave it. Plus then you’ll eventually get to the third season, which is absolutely the golden age of The Flintstones. But those classic episodes like the Fraternal Order of the Water Buffaloes Convention in Frantic City and the heartrending one where Fred hires Lollobrickida the French maid wouldn’t resonate as deeply if it hadn’t been for the careful foundation the Flintstones writers built back in season one. Just wait until season four, when Barney Rubble really comes into his own as a character. Honestly, I’m jealous that you get to watch it for the first time.” North assured his friend that if he stuck with The Flintstones he would also finally understand all the memes their other friends were constantly sending in the group chat.


theonion--2020-09-14--Police Officer Shuts Off Body Camera Out Of Respect For Dying Victim

NEW YORK—Deciding that it wouldn ’ t be right to try to capture video of another human being in his final moments , NYPD police officer Tom Sloane reportedly shut off his body camera early Monday morning out of respect for his dying victim .
“ This man is bleeding and gasping for breath , and so it just feels kind of morbid and disrespectful to put that on film when I ’ m sure it ’ s not how he ’ d want to be remembered , ” said the officer , explaining why he considerately turned off his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he had just shot five times in the back at point-blank range appeared to be on the verge of death .
“ These things always end up online , and I think the last thing anyone wants is to see their last moments on earth go viral .
Plus , it honestly feels like by filming him , I ’ d be inserting myself into his narrative , and if it ’ s my body camera , it really seems like I ’ m trying to make his death all about me .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ is just the respectful thing to do.
” The NYPD added that it seemed exploitative to publicize the man ’ s death because that would be what people remembered about him , so the department was refraining from releasing any details about the incident to respect his privacy .

NEW YORK—Deciding that it wouldn’t be right to try to capture video of another human being in his final moments, NYPD police officer Tom Sloane reportedly shut off his body camera early Monday morning out of respect for his dying victim. “This man is bleeding and gasping for breath, and so it just feels kind of morbid and disrespectful to put that on film when I’m sure it’s not how he’d want to be remembered,” said the officer, explaining why he considerately turned off his body camera after noticing that the man he had just shot five times in the back at point-blank range appeared to be on the verge of death. “These things always end up online, and I think the last thing anyone wants is to see their last moments on earth go viral. Plus, it honestly feels like by filming him, I’d be inserting myself into his narrative, and if it’s my body camera, it really seems like I’m trying to make his death all about me. Not committing this violent tragedy to film is just the respectful thing to do.” The NYPD added that it seemed exploitative to publicize the man’s death because that would be what people remembered about him, so the department was refraining from releasing any details about the incident to respect his privacy.


theonion--2020-09-15--NRA Issues ‘F’ Rating To Bugs Bunny For Tying Up Guns Into Pretzel Shape

Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny ’ s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd @ @ @ @ @ their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why the NRA believes Bugs Bunny’s long history of curtailing the Second Amendment rights of Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam by twisting their firearms in a big bow qualifies the cartoon rabbit for their lowest possible rating.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-15--Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 15, 2020

When all ’ s said and done , you ’ ve loved and been loved in return , and no @ @ @ @ @ from you .
However , they can make sure you don ’ t get paid @ @ @

Gemini | May 21 to June 20
When all’s said and done, you’ve loved and been loved in return, and no one can take that away from you. However, they can make sure you don’t get paid for it.


theonion--2020-09-15--Snake Lays Eggs Despite Not Being Near Male In 15 Years

Herpetologists at the St. Louis Zoo say a 62-year-old ball python has laid a clutch of eggs that are expected @ @ @ @ @ despite the fact that the snake has not been near a male in at least @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ If no one else is going to take responsibility , I @ @ @ @ @ the honorable thing and marry this snake.
” “ Being a single mom is hard @ @ @ @ @ snake .
”

Herpetologists at the St. Louis Zoo say a 62-year-old ball python has laid a clutch of eggs that are expected to hatch next month, despite the fact that the snake has not been near a male in at least 15 years. What do you think?
“If no one else is going to take responsibility, I’m willing to do the honorable thing and marry this snake.” Dan LaVallee, Shucking Expert
“Being a single mom is hard enough already without being a snake.” Connie Bennett, Prequel Author
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theonion--2020-09-17--‘Scientific American’ Endorses Presidential Candidate For First Time In 175 Year History

Scientific American released an editorial condemning Donald Trump and urging readers to vote for Joe Biden , citing his plans @ @ @ @ @ care , and the environment , marking the magazine ’ s first formal presidential endorsement @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ These editor s shouldn ’ t let the @ @ @ @ @ affect their politics.
” “ This could really eat into Trump ’ s base of @ @ @ @

Scientific American released an editorial condemning Donald Trump and urging readers to vote for Joe Biden, citing his plans on the coronavirus, health care, and the environment, marking the magazine’s first formal presidential endorsement since it began in 1845. What do you think?
“These editor s shouldn’t let the fear of imminent environmental collapse affect their politics.” Sophia McNulty • Time Capsule Collector
“This could really eat into Trump’s base of theoretical chemists.” Jake Danchik • Potato Peeler
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theonion--2020-09-17--Couple Thankfully Not Well-Liked Enough To Have Superspreader Wedding

PORTSMOUTH , NH—Following the bride-and-groom-to-be ’ s decision to celebrate their union with loved ones despite the ongoing pandemic , sources reported Thursday that local couple Caitlin Hughes and Thomas Radke were thankfully not well-liked enough for their wedding to become a superspreader event .
“ At first , I thought it was really irresponsible for them to have an in-person ceremony , but then I remembered Tom and Caitlin don ’ t exactly have a lot of friends , so it should be fine , ” said Hughes ’ cousin Jackie DiVincenzo , who added that the friends the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kinds of people likely to bring a date , or to attend another social event anytime soon , making it unlikely they would spread Covid-19 even if they did contract it at the wedding .
“ Honestly , they could invite everyone they ’ ve ever hung out with going back to high school , and we ’ d still be talking about a pretty low-risk gathering .
Their relatives don ’ t like them much , either , and while some of them will show up , it ’ s hard to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the reception .
Even if there ’ s an open bar , people have better things to do than hang around with those two.
” At press time , DiVincenzo confirmed the entire bridal party had returned their RSVPs with regrets .

PORTSMOUTH, NH—Following the bride-and-groom-to-be’s decision to celebrate their union with loved ones despite the ongoing pandemic, sources reported Thursday that local couple Caitlin Hughes and Thomas Radke were thankfully not well-liked enough for their wedding to become a superspreader event. “At first, I thought it was really irresponsible for them to have an in-person ceremony, but then I remembered Tom and Caitlin don’t exactly have a lot of friends, so it should be fine,” said Hughes’ cousin Jackie DiVincenzo, who added that the friends the couple did have weren’t the kinds of people likely to bring a date, or to attend another social event anytime soon, making it unlikely they would spread Covid-19 even if they did contract it at the wedding. “Honestly, they could invite everyone they’ve ever hung out with going back to high school, and we’d still be talking about a pretty low-risk gathering. Their relatives don’t like them much, either, and while some of them will show up, it’s hard to imagine a sizable group actually sticking around for the reception. Even if there’s an open bar, people have better things to do than hang around with those two.” At press time, DiVincenzo confirmed the entire bridal party had returned their RSVPs with regrets.


theonion--2020-09-17--The Onion’s Fantasy Football Expert Gives His Pro Tips For Managing Your Team

Gary Borkowski , Onion Sports resident fantasy football expert and former NFL concessions worker , shares surefire strategies for analyzing matchups , finding overlooked sleeper picks , and scouring the waiver wire to improve your roster .
Pick up Drew Lock if he ’ s available .
Please , I told Drew I would help raise his fantasy stock in exchange for an autographed football , so if you acquired him it would be a big help .
Have faith in the team you drafted—check your lineup just once before the season and then again after the season ends .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ from lesser publications .
Even if they haven ’ t worked their way up to The Onion yet , they might still have valuable takes .
Learn from my mistake : Don ’ t name your team after your social security number .
Find market inefficiencies to exploit .
Your opponent only has one kicker ?
Consider filling your team with exclusively kickers to give you that extra edge .
Read as much analysis as you can during the week to convince yourself you have control over what happens in over a dozen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ few rounds before drafting a defense , kicker , coach , and fans .
Build a great bench , because at least three of your players will be suspended for domestic- abuse charges and will face 6-game suspensions .
Confirm that your league awards points for things like yards , catches , and touchdowns , and then find players who are sure to excel in those categories .
I stick to my draft plan no matter what unless someone takes the player I wanted , in which case I panic and take Ryan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ best receivers in the first three rounds , and also make sure you grab one of the three best running backs and one of the three best quarterbacks .
No matter what happens , I always make the playoffs as long as I adhere to Sun Tzu ’ s words : “ If you wait by the river long enough , the bodies of your enemies will float by.
” Don ’ t let your fantasy team take away from your enjoyment of watching the game you love ; make sure your fantasy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around you .

Gary Borkowski, Onion Sports resident fantasy football expert and former NFL concessions worker, shares surefire strategies for analyzing matchups, finding overlooked sleeper picks, and scouring the waiver wire to improve your roster.
Pick up Drew Lock if he’s available. Please, I told Drew I would help raise his fantasy stock in exchange for an autographed football, so if you acquired him it would be a big help.
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Have faith in the team you drafted—check your lineup just once before the season and then again after the season ends.
Read up on advice from fantasy experts from lesser publications. Even if they haven’t worked their way up to The Onion yet, they might still have valuable takes.
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Learn from my mistake: Don’t name your team after your social security number.
Find market inefficiencies to exploit. Your opponent only has one kicker? Consider filling your team with exclusively kickers to give you that extra edge.
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Read as much analysis as you can during the week to convince yourself you have control over what happens in over a dozen football games.
Wait until the last few rounds before drafting a defense, kicker, coach, and fans.
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Build a great bench, because at least three of your players will be suspended for domestic- abuse charges and will face 6-game suspensions.
Confirm that your league awards points for things like yards, catches, and touchdowns, and then find players who are sure to excel in those categories.
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I stick to my draft plan no matter what unless someone takes the player I wanted, in which case I panic and take Ryan Tannehill.
Draft one of the three best receivers in the first three rounds, and also make sure you grab one of the three best running backs and one of the three best quarterbacks.
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No matter what happens, I always make the playoffs as long as I adhere to Sun Tzu’s words: “If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.”
Don’t let your fantasy team take away from your enjoyment of watching the game you love; make sure your fantasy team takes away the enjoyment from everyone around you.


theonion--2020-09-17--Democratic Process In Peril As Millions Of Americans Chase After Mail-In Ballots Caught In Wind

CAMBRIDGE , MA—Confirming the nation ’ s social contract was on the brink of collapse , researchers from Harvard University ’ s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind .
“ With 30 % of the U.S. electorate currently stumbling through the streets in pursuit of their ballots and shouting , ‘ Wait , come back !
’ we fear this sudden , powerful gale has overwhelmed our electoral system , ” said Professor Alanna Friedman , who estimated the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grow as millions more Americans accidentally let go of their absentee ballots upon bending down to tie their unlaced sneakers .
“ Eligible voters across the country are dodging traffic , colliding with pedestrians , and racing down back alleys as they struggle to catch up to the fluttering slips of paper .
There is still a chance enfranchisement could be preserved if the wind blows each ballot in a series of loop-de-loops and then coincidentally deposits it in a mailbox , or if an unwitting stranger thoughtfully picks it up , seals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a slot .
But if not , it would seem the fate of the great American experiment will come down to whether voters have the courage to dive into hundreds of rivers and creeks and swim after ballots being rapidly whisked downstream.
” At press time , reports from across the country confirmed thousands of stately women in city parks were aghast as they peered through pince-nez at their growling Yorkshire terriers , which had finally caught the nation ’ s windblown ballots and torn them to pieces .

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Confirming the nation’s social contract was on the brink of collapse, researchers from Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government warned Thursday the democratic process was in peril as millions of registered voters chased after mail-in ballots caught in a gust of wind. “With 30% of the U.S. electorate currently stumbling through the streets in pursuit of their ballots and shouting, ‘Wait, come back!’ we fear this sudden, powerful gale has overwhelmed our electoral system,” said Professor Alanna Friedman, who estimated the number of uncounted votes would continue to grow as millions more Americans accidentally let go of their absentee ballots upon bending down to tie their unlaced sneakers. “Eligible voters across the country are dodging traffic, colliding with pedestrians, and racing down back alleys as they struggle to catch up to the fluttering slips of paper. There is still a chance enfranchisement could be preserved if the wind blows each ballot in a series of loop-de-loops and then coincidentally deposits it in a mailbox, or if an unwitting stranger thoughtfully picks it up, seals the envelope, and drops it in a slot. But if not, it would seem the fate of the great American experiment will come down to whether voters have the courage to dive into hundreds of rivers and creeks and swim after ballots being rapidly whisked downstream.” At press time, reports from across the country confirmed thousands of stately women in city parks were aghast as they peered through pince-nez at their growling Yorkshire terriers, which had finally caught the nation’s windblown ballots and torn them to pieces.


theonion--2020-09-17--Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Drea

Gamers, We Should Be Thrilled To Share These New PS5 Images With You, But In Reality We’ve Been Dreading It Because Sometimes You Guys Are Fucking Mean

Okay , gamers , we ’ re going to level with you here .
We ’ ve got some brand-new PS5 images that by all rights we should be super excited to share with you , but as the time came closer and closer to publishing them we started realizing that we ’ re actually dreading it because , honestly , you guys can be really fucking mean sometimes .
We ’ re going to show them to you anyway but please try to think about how your words and actions can affect other people .
Here ’ s the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sony in all its glory !
We thought this photo showing off the console ’ s sleek and bold design with white flourishes was pretty cool while we were first sourcing it , but by the time we put it on our website , we almost had a full-on panic attack just thinking about all the abuse we were inviting from you guys over any potential praise of the design , or even just our word choice in describing it .
It really stressed us out , gamers .
Sometimes when we were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ think about how mean you would be about this article and we would have trouble breathing .
It would be nice if gaming fans could just have a nice , level-headed conversation about the console specs , but even something as simple as that is still probably not enough for some of you jerks who are going to just tear us apart for no apparent reason .
In case it ’ s not clear , we didn ’ t take any of these pictures and we definitely didn ’ t design the PS5 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us are not only hurtful but they ’ re also not remotely productive .
Here ’ s another photo that offers some tantalizing glimpses of the PS5 , and yes , before you say anything , this photo came out a couple of days ago .
So if you ’ ve been following the latest PlayStation news obsessively , then this isn ’ t going to be as exciting for you , but please try to keep in mind that there are other readers out there who might be enjoying this photo and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good time .
You know , we used to come into work every day with a spring in our step , but we haven ’ t felt that way in months , thanks to you .
Yeah , this is the first photo again .
That ’ s all we have , okay ?
Why are you so cruel about this ?
We can ’ t just conjure up more photos out of thin air .
Jesus , this was supposed to be our dream job .
PlayStation just surprised fans by announcing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the PS5 , and we get to report on that , which should be fun and energizing .
Instead , even as we ’ re writing this , we can hear your voices in our heads whining about the lack of a disc drive in the budget option or some bullshit detail about the controllers we missed in this article .
This has become a miserable slog thanks to you ungrateful assholes .
And you know what ?
Maybe you ’ re right !
Maybe Sony screwed up .
We ’ re certainly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trying to do our best .
But maybe take that to heart and check your fucking attitude for a second , because we don ’ t see you dipshits publishing any console reviews .
So consider just putting a goddamn sock in it .
Are you still angry about us repeating a photo ?
God .
We ’ d say sorry about it , but we know there ’ s no amount of apologizing we can do at this point without you tearing us a new asshole , is there ?
When you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what we do , there ’ s really no incentive for us to do a good job .
Just some food for thought .
You know what ?
Fuck all of you .
Here ’ s that photo you hate so much once again .
We ’ re just trying to make a nice website where we review video games and share the latest trends and updates , but you ’ ve all ruined that with your incessant griping and horrible attitude .
Do you even like video games , or do you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
At this point , we ’ re so upset we ’ re probably not going to even post anything for a few days , so maybe go bully the writers of Game Informer or something for a little while and give us some peace .
Fuck off .

Okay, gamers, we’re going to level with you here. We’ve got some brand-new PS5 images that by all rights we should be super excited to share with you, but as the time came closer and closer to publishing them we started realizing that we’re actually dreading it because, honestly, you guys can be really fucking mean sometimes. We’re going to show them to you anyway but please try to think about how your words and actions can affect other people.
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Here’s the first image of the latest console from Sony in all its glory! We thought this photo showing off the console’s sleek and bold design with white flourishes was pretty cool while we were first sourcing it, but by the time we put it on our website, we almost had a full-on panic attack just thinking about all the abuse we were inviting from you guys over any potential praise of the design, or even just our word choice in describing it. It really stressed us out, gamers. Sometimes when we were trying to fall asleep, we would think about how mean you would be about this article and we would have trouble breathing.
It would be nice if gaming fans could just have a nice, level-headed conversation about the console specs, but even something as simple as that is still probably not enough for some of you jerks who are going to just tear us apart for no apparent reason. In case it’s not clear, we didn’t take any of these pictures and we definitely didn’t design the PS5, so your constant verbal assaults against us are not only hurtful but they’re also not remotely productive.
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Here’s another photo that offers some tantalizing glimpses of the PS5, and yes, before you say anything, this photo came out a couple of days ago. So if you’ve been following the latest PlayStation news obsessively, then this isn’t going to be as exciting for you, but please try to keep in mind that there are other readers out there who might be enjoying this photo and try not to crap all over their good time. You know, we used to come into work every day with a spring in our step, but we haven’t felt that way in months, thanks to you.
Advertisement
Yeah, this is the first photo again. That’s all we have, okay? Why are you so cruel about this? We can’t just conjure up more photos out of thin air.
Advertisement
Jesus, this was supposed to be our dream job. PlayStation just surprised fans by announcing that there would be two versions of the PS5, and we get to report on that, which should be fun and energizing. Instead, even as we’re writing this, we can hear your voices in our heads whining about the lack of a disc drive in the budget option or some bullshit detail about the controllers we missed in this article. This has become a miserable slog thanks to you ungrateful assholes. And you know what? Maybe you’re right! Maybe Sony screwed up. We’re certainly not perfect, we’re just trying to do our best. But maybe take that to heart and check your fucking attitude for a second, because we don’t see you dipshits publishing any console reviews. So consider just putting a goddamn sock in it.
Are you still angry about us repeating a photo? God. We’d say sorry about it, but we know there’s no amount of apologizing we can do at this point without you tearing us a new asshole, is there? When you treat us like absolute shit no matter what we do, there’s really no incentive for us to do a good job. Just some food for thought.
Advertisement
You know what? Fuck all of you. Here’s that photo you hate so much once again. We’re just trying to make a nice website where we review video games and share the latest trends and updates, but you’ve all ruined that with your incessant griping and horrible attitude. Do you even like video games, or do you just get off on picking us apart? At this point, we’re so upset we’re probably not going to even post anything for a few days, so maybe go bully the writers of Game Informer or something for a little while and give us some peace. Fuck off.


theonion--2020-09-17--New SVEN Initiative To Help Young Girls Become Swedish Scientists Who Ski Snowy Slopes

STOR LIEN , SWEDEN—Stressing the campaign would provide more academic and deep- powder opportunities for female students , the Linköping Project announced their SVEN Initiative Thursday to help young girls become Swedish scientists who ski snowy slopes .
“ We want to empower women everywhere to realize there is nothing stopping them from joining the field of biotech research or engineering and getting a head of flaxen blonde hair , a fashionable wool Fair Isle sweater , and a minimalist winter château , just like myself , ” said Sven Björklund , one of the leaders of the initiative , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of 13 to 18 with free access to a complete vinyl collection of ABBA , pastel Klättermusen puffer jackets , and a networking system that would connect them with scientific colleagues named Jans or Otto who can join them for some light après-ski fondue .
“ Swedish chalets have typically been a very male-dominated space , and changing that all starts with giving girls encouragement to purchase a black turtleneck and a significant amount of pickled herring early in life .
Pretty soon , they ’ ll be throwing back aquavit while belting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Går ’ next to a roaring lodge fire.
” Björkland also noted that his team based much of their project on Germany ’ s HAAS Initiative to encourage more boys to become insufferable schnitzel-eating experimental artists who own studios in Berlin .

STORLIEN, SWEDEN—Stressing the campaign would provide more academic and deep-powder opportunities for female students, the Linköping Project announced their SVEN Initiative Thursday to help young girls become Swedish scientists who ski snowy slopes. “We want to empower women everywhere to realize there is nothing stopping them from joining the field of biotech research or engineering and getting a head of flaxen blonde hair, a fashionable wool Fair Isle sweater, and a minimalist winter château, just like myself,” said Sven Björklund, one of the leaders of the initiative, which will provide girls from the age of 13 to 18 with free access to a complete vinyl collection of ABBA, pastel Klättermusen puffer jackets, and a networking system that would connect them with scientific colleagues named Jans or Otto who can join them for some light après-ski fondue. “Swedish chalets have typically been a very male-dominated space, and changing that all starts with giving girls encouragement to purchase a black turtleneck and a significant amount of pickled herring early in life. Pretty soon, they’ll be throwing back aquavit while belting out a full-throated rendition of ‘Helan Går’ next to a roaring lodge fire.” Björkland also noted that his team based much of their project on Germany’s HAAS Initiative to encourage more boys to become insufferable schnitzel-eating experimental artists who own studios in Berlin.


theonion--2020-09-17--Tom Brady Not Sure How To Ask Coach For Tape Of Other Team’s Practice

TAMPA , FL—Expressing concerns that Tampa Bay had not yet undertaken the basic prep he used to do in New England , quarterback Tom Brady confessed Thursday that he wasn ’ t sure how to ask Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians for tape of their opponent ’ s practice .
“ This is a new system , so I don ’ t know whether we go over tape of the Panther s ’ walkthrough as a team or if I need to study it myself , ” said Brady , who conceded that Arians might be too busy working on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the normal step-by-step breakdown of Carolina ’ s latest scrimmage and playbook .
“ I never even had to ask Bill [ Belichick ] , he ’ d just send an intern my way to debrief me .
Bruce hasn ’ t said anything about it yet , but I need to hunker down in the film room with the exact plays and audibles that the defense is running .
It takes a while to memorize all that , so hopefully coach sends some tape my way soon.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to film the Panther ’ s practice after a terse meeting with Arians .

TAMPA, FL—Expressing concerns that Tampa Bay had not yet undertaken the basic prep he used to do in New England, quarterback Tom Brady confessed Thursday that he wasn’t sure how to ask Buccaneers head coach Bruce Arians for tape of their opponent’s practice. “This is a new system, so I don’t know whether we go over tape of the Panthers’ walkthrough as a team or if I need to study it myself,” said Brady, who conceded that Arians might be too busy working on a game plan and decided to schedule the normal step-by-step breakdown of Carolina’s latest scrimmage and playbook. “I never even had to ask Bill [Belichick], he’d just send an intern my way to debrief me. Bruce hasn’t said anything about it yet, but I need to hunker down in the film room with the exact plays and audibles that the defense is running. It takes a while to memorize all that, so hopefully coach sends some tape my way soon.” At press time, Brady decided to fly his own cameraman to film the Panther’s practice after a terse meeting with Arians.


theonion--2020-09-17--Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulat

Diary Entries Reveal Benjamin Franklin’s Kite Experiment Was Early Attempt At Erotic Electrostimulation

On the anniversary of the signing of our nation ’ s Constitution , hear how the newly authenticated diary entries @ @ @ @ @ his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from @ @ @ @ @ penis , providing immense pleasure .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

On the anniversary of the signing of our nation’s Constitution, hear how the newly authenticated diary entries of Ben Franklin point to his revolutionary theory that electricity could be harnessed from lightning and trained to flow from the clouds to his erect penis, providing immense pleasure.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-17--Madonna To Direct, Co-Write Her Own Biopic

Pop icon Madonna announced that she will direct her own biopic , co-written with screenwriter Diablo Cody , about her @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ I ’ m curious to see w ho they @ @ @ @ @ “ Filmgoers have long been clamoring for more Madonna directors.
” “ Smart of Diablo @ @ @ @ @ a true Madonna fan like Madonna to ensure the depiction is accurate .
”

Pop icon Madonna announced that she will direct her own biopic, co-written with screenwriter Diablo Cody, about her life and five-decade career. What do you think?
“I’m curious to see w ho they get for the soundtrack.” Nathan Farrell, Systems Analyst
“Filmgoers have long been clamoring for more Madonna directors.” Hanna Bouchard, Tape Expert
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theonion--2020-09-16--Smoke From California Wildfires Creates Hazy Skies Nationwide

Meteorologists say that smoke from California ’ s record-setting wildfires is now floating in the atmosphere high above a large @ @ @ @ @ creating hazy skies as far as New York .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ to think we ’ re breathing the same hazardous air as big-time Hollywood celebrities !
@ @ @ @ @ which way to point my fan .
”

Meteorologists say that smoke from California’s record-setting wildfires is now floating in the atmosphere high above a large swath of the country, creating hazy skies as far as New York. What do you think?
“It’s incredi ble to think we’re breathing the same hazardous air as big-time Hollywood celebrities!” Gabe Capper, Underpass Custodian
“Just tell me which way to point my fan.” Melissa Forsythe, Clogger
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theonion--2020-09-16--Kawhi Leonard Worried He’s Grown Too Accustomed To Fancy Hotel With Free Wi-Fi

BAY LAKE , FL—Following his team ’ s elimination from the NBA playoffs , Los Angeles Clippers star Kawhi Leonard @ @ @ @ @ he had grown too accustomed to living in a fancy hotel with free W i-Fi @ @ @ @ @ free soaps , free breakfasts , and an ice maker right down the hall—this is @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve never allowed myself before , ” said Leonard , lamenting how the team @ @ @ @ @ Denver Nuggets would impact his access to amenities such as fresh towels and his very @ @ @ @ @ “ I have a small black- and- white TV back at home , but I @ @ @ @ @ from bed , and I certainly don ’ t have four pillows .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ propping myself up and relaxing with some HGTV .
I just hope I can fall @ @ @ @ @ return to my mattress on the floor.
” At press time , Leonard had stopped @ @ @ @ @ last time to pocket a couple of Danishes for the road .

BAY LAKE, FL—Following his team’s elimination from the NBA playoffs, Los Angeles Clippers star Kawhi Leonard was reportedly worried Wednesday that he had grown too accustomed to living in a fancy hotel with free W i-Fi. “All of these free soaps, free breakfasts, and an ice maker right down the hall—this is the kind of luxury I’ve never allowed myself before,” said Leonard, lamenting how the team’s defeat to the Denver Nuggets would impact his access to amenities such as fresh towels and his very own in-room coffee machine. “I have a small black- and- white TV back at home, but I can’t watch it from bed, and I certainly don’t have four pillows. It’s been pretty ideal for propping myself up and relaxing with some HGTV. I just hope I can fall asleep at night when I return to my mattress on the floor.” At press time, Leonard had stopped by the breakfast buffet one last time to pocket a couple of Danishes for the road.


theonion--2020-09-16--Professional Bowler Falls Into Existential Crisis After Realizing There No Way To Know How Deep Fing

Professional Bowler Falls Into Existential Crisis After Realizing There No Way To Know How Deep Finger Holes Go

CLERMONT , FL—Begging his wife to promise that his life actually has a purpose and meaning , PBA bowler Norm @ @ @ @ @ existential crisis Wednesday after realizing there is no way to know how deep finger holes @ @ @ @ @ anything be knowable if such an impossible problem exists ?
What if the holes go @ @ @ @ @ Duke , who spent six straight hours locked in his bedroom wondering if anything he @ @ @ @ @ in the face of such inconceivable vastness inside a bowling ball .
“ You could @ @ @ @ @ never know how deep those holes are , so how do we know 300 is @ @ @ @ @ ?
How do I know if I was even good at bowling in the first @ @ @ @ @ just bowling balls ourselves , being thrown over and over again by an indifferent and @ @ @ @ @ I possibly know ?
” At press time , a crazed Duke was being dragged @ @ @ @ @ a handgun at his bowling ball .

CLERMONT, FL—Begging his wife to promise that his life actually has a purpose and meaning, PBA bowler Norm Duke reportedly fell into an existential crisis Wednesday after realizing there is no way to know how deep finger holes go. “How can anything be knowable if such an impossible problem exists? What if the holes go on forever?” said Duke, who spent six straight hours locked in his bedroom wondering if anything he had ever done actually mattered in the face of such inconceivable vastness inside a bowling ball. “You could spend your entire life and never know how deep those holes are, so how do we know 300 is actually a perfect bowling score? How do I know if I was even good at bowling in the first place? Maybe we are just bowling balls ourselves, being thrown over and over again by an indifferent and uncontrollable universe? How could I possibly know?” At press time, a crazed Duke was being dragged from his home after brandishing a handgun at his bowling ball.


theonion--2020-09-16--Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And

Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And Again And Again

WASHINGTON—After shocking reports surfaced that doctors at Irwin County Detention Center in Georgia performed forced hysterectomies on female detainees , horrified Americans confirmed Wednesday that they never thought they ’ d see forced sterilization of minorities happen here again and again and again and again .
“ As a proud American , it ’ s almost unimaginable that these kinds of heinous acts could occur on U.S. soil , except for the 64,000 non-white women that were sterilized against their will between 1907 and 1963 , and then the thousands more that occurred throughout the 1970s , ” said 60-year-old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ government-sanctioned eugenics had died eons ago after the U.S. government forcibly sterilized one-third of all women in Puerto Rico , 40 % of all Native American w omen , and tens of thousands of impoverished Black women across the American South .
“ Aside from the decades worth of forced hysterectomies , tubal ligations , and ‘ Mississippi appendectomies , ’ revelations like this can really shake your faith in a nation .
It ’ s 2020 for goodness ’ sake , how are we allowing something that happened in Indiana , Oklahoma @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and 25 other states throughout the 20th century to continue to happen here ?
” At press time , Baker added that this felt like something that could only happen in Nazi Germany after having been inspired by the American e ugenics program .

WASHINGTON—After shocking reports surfaced that doctors at Irwin County Detention Center in Georgia performed forced hysterectomies on female detainees, horrified Americans confirmed Wednesday that they never thought they’d see forced sterilization of minorities happen here again and again and again and again. “As a proud American, it’s almost unimaginable that these kinds of heinous acts could occur on U.S. soil, except for the 64,000 non-white women that were sterilized against their will between 1907 and 1963, and then the thousands more that occurred throughout the 1970s,” said 60-year-old Hank Baker, adding that he believed government-sanctioned eugenics had died eons ago after the U.S. government forcibly sterilized one-third of all women in Puerto Rico, 40% of all Native American women, and tens of thousands of impoverished Black women across the American South. “Aside from the decades worth of forced hysterectomies, tubal ligations, and ‘Mississippi appendectomies,’ revelations like this can really shake your faith in a nation. It’s 2020 for goodness’ sake, how are we allowing something that happened in Indiana, Oklahoma, Virginia, California, Delaware, and 25 other states throughout the 20th century to continue to happen here?” At press time, Baker added that this felt like something that could only happen in Nazi Germany after having been inspired by the American eugenics program.


theonion--2020-09-16--Apple Announces New Watch With Rabbit-Ear Antenna That Can Pick Up 5 Local Channels

CUPERTINO , CA—Touting the product as the latest innovation in wearable technology , Apple announced Wednesday that its new smartwatch would feature a rabbit-ear antenna capable of picking up five or more television channels in the area where a user lives .
“ In addition to improved battery life and a blood-oxygen sensor , the Apple Watch Series 6 includes two 24-inch extendable dipole antennas that allow you to stream over-the-air broadcasts of your favorite TV shows , ” said CEO Tim Cook during a keynote presentation in which he wore the new watch and demonstrated how he could adjust @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of NBC , PBS , and T he CW , as well as an independent station airing The 700 Club .
“ Thanks to the Apple Watch ’ s dual VHF and UHF capabilities , you can enjoy hit programs such as Criminal Minds , Judge Joe Brown , and TMZ Live any time they are being broadcast .
It ’ s all right there on your wrist .
And what ’ s more , as long as you don ’ t go anywhere and hold really still , the Series 6 can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Later in the presentation , Cook reportedly unveiled a deluxe , high-end version of the watch that featured wood paneling , tuning knobs , and a color display .

CUPERTINO, CA—Touting the product as the latest innovation in wearable technology, Apple announced Wednesday that its new smartwatch would feature a rabbit-ear antenna capable of picking up five or more television channels in the area where a user lives. “In addition to improved battery life and a blood-oxygen sensor, the Apple Watch Series 6 includes two 24-inch extendable dipole antennas that allow you to stream over-the-air broadcasts of your favorite TV shows,” said CEO Tim Cook during a keynote presentation in which he wore the new watch and demonstrated how he could adjust the rabbit ears to receive local affiliates of NBC, PBS, and T he CW, as well as an independent station airing The 700 Club. “Thanks to the Apple Watch’s dual VHF and UHF capabilities, you can enjoy hit programs such as Criminal Minds, Judge Joe Brown, and TMZ Live any time they are being broadcast. It’s all right there on your wrist. And what’s more, as long as you don’t go anywhere and hold really still, the Series 6 can tune into these channels with minimal static.” Later in the presentation, Cook reportedly unveiled a deluxe, high-end version of the watch that featured wood paneling, tuning knobs, and a color display.


theonion--2020-09-16--Pope Francis Gets Self Thrown Into Hell As Part Of Plot To Take Down High-Level Demon Ring

THIRD CIRCLE , HELL—Claiming that going deep undercover within the adversary ’ s organization was the only way to destroy the nefarious horde of fiends , Pope Francis reportedly had himself thrown into Hell Wednesday as part of a coordinated attempt to take down a high-level demon ring .
“ Sometimes the only way out is through , ” said the pontiff shortly before stabbing a sodomite with a concealed blade that he had smuggled in from Limbo in an effort to be placed into an even deeper circle and gain the respect and confidence of high-ranking demon bosses .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to trust me , especially with my background .
I know the street-level guys , the flashy ones , everyone does .
Still , all the rank-and-file imps were pretty tight-lipped about which hellspawn were actually running the operation .
But ever since I stopped Belphegor from eating some tainted brimstone at one of those big family dinners they love so damn much , they seem to think I ’ m okay.
” At press time , Pope Francis reportedly expressed concerns that he may have gotten in too deep after finishing a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by curb stomping the damned soul of Pope Boniface VIII .

THIRD CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that going deep undercover within the adversary’s organization was the only way to destroy the nefarious horde of fiends, Pope Francis reportedly had himself thrown into Hell Wednesday as part of a coordinated attempt to take down a high-level demon ring. “Sometimes the only way out is through,” said the pontiff shortly before stabbing a sodomite with a concealed blade that he had smuggled in from Limbo in an effort to be placed into an even deeper circle and gain the respect and confidence of high-ranking demon bosses. “It took a minute for them to trust me, especially with my background. I know the street-level guys, the flashy ones, everyone does. Still, all the rank-and-file imps were pretty tight-lipped about which hellspawn were actually running the operation. But ever since I stopped Belphegor from eating some tainted brimstone at one of those big family dinners they love so damn much, they seem to think I’m okay.” At press time, Pope Francis reportedly expressed concerns that he may have gotten in too deep after finishing a scuffle in a popular Second Circle hangout by curb stomping the damned soul of Pope Boniface VIII.


theonion--2020-09-16--Nation Calls For Return Of Theme Songs That Explain Show’s Whole Deal

Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began @ @ @ @ @ lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Americans stand united today in their call for television programs to go back to the days when all episodes began with a catchy tune and lyrics that explained the entire concept of the show and its characters.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-16--2020 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade To Be Television-Only Event

The 94th Macy ’ s Thanksgiving Day Parade will not be live this year due to the pandemic , with @ @ @ @ @ performances and special vehicles to anchor the enormous balloons normally controlled by hundreds of volunteers @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ It ’ s so disappointing that this year an event I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ will on ly be watchable on TV.
” “ Yes .
I ’ ll finally @ @ @ @ @ of Snoopy ’ s house.
” “ But without the crowds , a procession of @ @ @ @ @ meaningless spectacle .
”

The 94th Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade will not be live this year due to the pandemic, with the event instead featuring pre-taped performances and special vehicles to anchor the enormous balloons normally controlled by hundreds of volunteers. What do you think?
“It’s so disappointing that this year an event I’ve only ever watched on TV will on ly be watchable on TV.” Vincent Bunch • Blintz Filler
“Yes. I’ll finally get to see the inside of Snoopy’s house.” Sheila Bocknek • Quill Advocate
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theonion--2020-09-15--LeBron Finally Reaches Western Conference Finals After 17 Seasons In League

LOS ANGELES—Breaking through to accomplish what so many doubters never thought he could do , LeBron James finally reached the @ @ @ @ @ 17 seasons in the league .
“ LeBron ’ s always been on the cusp @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s always fallen short of the Western Conference finals , ” said analyst @ @ @ @ @ NBA MVP , admitting it was exciting to think that after years of letting fans @ @ @ @ @ hoist the elusive Wester Conference trophy .
“ Even with his best rosters on the @ @ @ @ @ could never get over the hump .
Magic did it .
Kobe did it .
@ @ @ @ @ LeBron just didn ’ t have what it takes .
If he can win the @ @ @ @ @ actually put the formerly disappointing James in the Hall-of-Fame discussion.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ LeBron would never be considered great until he beat Jordan in the playoffs .

LOS ANGELES—Breaking through to accomplish what so many doubters never thought he could do, LeBron James finally reached the NBA Western Conference finals after 17 seasons in the league. “LeBron’s always been on the cusp of greatness, but somehow he’s always fallen short of the Western Conference finals,” said analyst Max Kellerman of the 4-time NBA MVP, admitting it was exciting to think that after years of letting fans down, James might finally hoist the elusive Wester Conference trophy. “Even with his best rosters on the Cavs and Heat, he could never get over the hump. Magic did it. Kobe did it. But it always seemed like LeBron just didn’t have what it takes. If he can win the Western Conference, it might actually put the formerly disappointing James in the Hall-of-Fame discussion.” At press time, analyst Stephen A. Smith suggested LeBron would never be considered great until he beat Jordan in the playoffs.


theonion--2020-09-18--Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do

Girl Scout Troop Raises Over $100,000 To Buy Corvette Because Fuck It, It’s Their Money, They Can Do What They Want

Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242 , and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie @ @ @ @ @ buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear the heartwarming story of Troop 242, and why this year they decided to put their Girl Scout cookie proceeds to good use and buy a 2020 Corvette Stingray with a 6-liter V8 engine and 400-plus horsepower.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-18--Barbados To Remove Queen Elizabeth As Head Of State

The Caribbean island nation of Barbados plans to remove Queen Elizabeth as its head of state by the end of @ @ @ @ @ republic .
What do you think ?
“ What a wei rd coincidence that they @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I warned England this would happen when they showed mercy to Belize.
” @ @ @ @ @ come calling on the British Royal Navy when the Dutch invade .
”

The Caribbean island nation of Barbados plans to remove Queen Elizabeth as its head of state by the end of 2021 and become an independent republic. What do you think?
“What a wei rd coincidence that they also have a Queen Elizabeth.” Tiffany Williams • Handkerchief Embroiderer
“I warned England this would happen when they showed mercy to Belize.” Karl Hayward • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-09-18--Fox News Slams CNN For Providing Biden Each Question Seconds Before He Answered It

WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage that the network ’ s moderators would stoop so low on a nationally televised town hall , Fox News pundits slammed CNN Friday for providing Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden each question seconds before he answered it .
“ Biden ’ s responses to CNN ’ s questions clearly show that he ’ d been tipped off as to what the question was going to be at least several seconds beforehand when it was being asked—how is that fair ?
” asked Tucker Carlson Tonight host Tucker Carlson , echoing the criticisms of several other conservative media outlets @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by getting to hear the entire question before replying .
“ Seriously , I thought these people learned their lesson after what happened in 2016 with Hillary Clinton , but it ’ s absolutely clear from the way Biden listens to their questions and responds that he had listened to their questions before responding .
This is the kind of bias we have in the media right now .
You know that if Donald Trump was at the town hall instead they would make him answer the question before it was asked.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unfairly giving Biden ’ s campaign advance notice about the town hall ’ s format , location , and the fact that it was being nationally televised .

WASHINGTON—Expressing outrage that the network’s moderators would stoop so low on a nationally televised town hall, Fox News pundits slammed CNN Friday for providing Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden each question seconds before he answered it. “Biden’s responses to CNN’s questions clearly show that he’d been tipped off as to what the question was going to be at least several seconds beforehand when it was being asked—how is that fair?” asked Tucker Carlson Tonight host Tucker Carlson, echoing the criticisms of several other conservative media outlets that Biden was given an unfair advantage by getting to hear the entire question before replying. “Seriously, I thought these people learned their lesson after what happened in 2016 with Hillary Clinton, but it’s absolutely clear from the way Biden listens to their questions and responds that he had listened to their questions before responding. This is the kind of bias we have in the media right now. You know that if Donald Trump was at the town hall instead they would make him answer the question before it was asked.” Fox News pundits additionally slammed CNN for unfairly giving Biden’s campaign advance notice about the town hall’s format, location, and the fact that it was being nationally televised.


theonion--2020-09-18--Trump Signs Executive Order Establishing ‘1946 Commission’ To Teach How America Started At President

Trump Signs Executive Order Establishing ‘1946 Commission’ To Teach How America Started At President’s Birth

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters the organization would help combat decades of left- wing indoctrination about the country ’ s founding , Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday establishing the “ 1946 Commission , ” a project dedicated to teaching students that America started at the p resident ’ s birth .
“ For too long , liberals have deceived our students into thinking the miracle of this country ’ s origin stretched back to 1776 , when the reality is it didn ’ t really come together until one beautiful June morning at Jamaica Hospital in Queens , New York , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had been inspired to create the commission after learning the disturbing fact that 9 in 10 U.S. high school students failed to name a single one of the Trump relatives in attendance at his birth .
“ One of the most incredible and patriotic moments in the history of the United States occurred when I emerged from my mom ’ s birth canal , and this commission is going to make sure kids know they have to use that lens to look at pivotal points in the country ’ s development , like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I renovated the Commodore Hotel .
But we also want to make sure kids know more .
There are hundreds of beautiful women that I ’ ve slept with , and these names are being forgotten.
” Trump added that the commission would also combat the persistent left- wing propaganda that Barack Obama was the 44th president of the United States .

WASHINGTON—Telling reporters the organization would help combat decades of left-wing indoctrination about the country’s founding, Donald Trump signed an executive order Friday establishing the “1946 Commission,” a project dedicated to teaching students that America started at the president’s birth. “For too long, liberals have deceived our students into thinking the miracle of this country’s origin stretched back to 1776, when the reality is it didn’t really come together until one beautiful June morning at Jamaica Hospital in Queens, New York,” said Trump, explaining that he had been inspired to create the commission after learning the disturbing fact that 9 in 10 U.S. high school students failed to name a single one of the Trump relatives in attendance at his birth. “One of the most incredible and patriotic moments in the history of the United States occurred when I emerged from my mom’s birth canal, and this commission is going to make sure kids know they have to use that lens to look at pivotal points in the country’s development, like when I got into Wharton or when I renovated the Commodore Hotel. But we also want to make sure kids know more. There are hundreds of beautiful women that I’ve slept with, and these names are being forgotten.” Trump added that the commission would also combat the persistent left-wing propaganda that Barack Obama was the 44th president of the United States.


theonion--2020-09-18--Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To K

Conservative Conspiracy Theorist Outraged After Stumbling Upon Entire Netflix Section Dedicated To Kids

HOUMA , LA—Expressing disbelief about what he was seeing , local conservative conspiracy theorist Ted Biddle was reportedly outraged Friday after stumbling upon an entire section on Netflix dedicated to kids .
“ Jesus Christ , this is more fucked up than we ever realized—it says ‘ Kids ’ right there !
” said Biddle , who leapt to his feet and gripped his head in horror as he surveyed the hundreds of TV shows and movies hidden in plain sight on the streaming service ’ s interface .
“ Netflix is just a honeypot for pedophiles .
They even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Disgusting !
There ’ s probably thousands of hours of it in here .
The Last Kids On Earth , Loo Loo Kids , ugh , what the hell is Booba ?
Who are Alexa & Katie ?
This repulsive one has two elementary school kids hanging out with an adult dressed in nothing but a cape and underpants .
Oh no , they even have stuff with animals .
This is just awful .
I guess that ’ s sicko Hollywood for you !
” At press time , Biddle had drawn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ onto the sofa so he could check it out .

HOUMA, LA—Expressing disbelief about what he was seeing, local conservative conspiracy theorist Ted Biddle was reportedly outraged Friday after stumbling upon an entire section on Netflix dedicated to kids. “Jesus Christ, this is more fucked up than we ever realized—it says ‘Kids’ right there!” said Biddle, who leapt to his feet and gripped his head in horror as he surveyed the hundreds of TV shows and movies hidden in plain sight on the streaming service’s interface. “Netflix is just a honeypot for pedophiles. They even have it sorted by age group. Disgusting! There’s probably thousands of hours of it in here. The Last Kids On Earth, Loo Loo Kids, ugh, what the hell is Booba? Who are Alexa & Katie? This repulsive one has two elementary school kids hanging out with an adult dressed in nothing but a cape and underpants. Oh no, they even have stuff with animals. This is just awful. I guess that’s sicko Hollywood for you!” At press time, Biddle had drawn the blinds and eagerly lowered himself back onto the sofa so he could check it out.


theonion--2020-09-18--White House Vows To Have Something To Stick Into Your Arm By October

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends , President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October .
“ Today , I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few months , you will be able to go somewhere , sit down , and then pay to have someone to stab you with a long , sharp thing , ” said the 45th president of the United States , adding that scientists and doctors were working around the clock to ensure Americans would be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stabbed with the special doohickey loaded with the best medical stuff .
“ As your leader , I assure you that I ’ ve seen some of the plans for this thing , and believe me , it could be very affordable , plentiful , painless , or wet .
Whatever ends up being attached to that metal poker , Americans will love getting it stuck inside of them , squeezed , and then taken out .
It will be perfect.
” At press time , President Trump brushed off concerns that early @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deadly side effects .

WASHINGTON—Stressing that the vial would be filled with liquid odds and ends, President Donald Trump vowed Friday to have something to stick into your arm by October. “Today, I pledge to all citizens of this great nation that within the next few months, you will be able to go somewhere, sit down, and then pay to have someone to stab you with a long, sharp thing,” said the 45th president of the United States, adding that scientists and doctors were working around the clock to ensure Americans would be the first in the world to get stabbed with the special doohickey loaded with the best medical stuff. “As your leader, I assure you that I’ve seen some of the plans for this thing, and believe me, it could be very affordable, plentiful, painless, or wet. Whatever ends up being attached to that metal poker, Americans will love getting it stuck inside of them, squeezed, and then taken out. It will be perfect.” At press time, President Trump brushed off concerns that early trials of the pointy-doctor-jabby-thing had serious, deadly side effects.


theonion--2020-09-18--Effects Of Future Climate Change Migration

The rise of massive annual wildfires and hurricanes around the U.S. has shone a spotlight on whether certain areas of @ @ @ @ @ in the future , a reality that would reshape America in many ways .
The @ @ @ @ @ of future climate change migration .
Thirty percent of populace fleeing from wildfires in rearview @ @ @ @ @ .
Creates tighter , more efficient radius for Amazon to deliver packages to .
At @ @ @ @ @ tries building an underwater town .
Government officials overwhelmed trying to deport both international and @ @ @ @ @ of positive fire metaphors in future poems .
Residence decisions based solely on preference for @ @ @ @ @ Colorado more or less the same .

The rise of massive annual wildfires and hurricanes around the U.S. has shone a spotlight on whether certain areas of the country will be habitable in the future, a reality that would reshape America in many ways. The Onion looks at the effects of future climate change migration.
Thirty percent of populace fleeing from wildfires in rearview mirror at any given time.
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Real estate companies begin listing all property as “potential beachfront.”
Creates tighter, more efficient radius for Amazon to deliver packages to.
At least one big tech guy tries building an underwater town.
Government officials overwhelmed trying to deport both international and American refugees.
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Resurgence in freight-hopping folk singers.
Politicians devoting increased attention to gerrymandering newly populated areas.
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Decreased use of positive fire metaphors in future poems.
Residence decisions based solely on preference for wet or dry suffering.
Colorado more or less the same.


theonion--2020-09-18--Scientists Study Brains Of Baseball Fans To Find Out How They Stay Interested During First 7 Innings

SEATTLE—Revealing that the mystery has baffled scientists for the past hundred years , researchers at the University of Washington announced Friday that they have been studying the brains of select baseball fans to discover how they manage to stay interested throughout the first seven innings .
“ Although we have been hard at work for decades , we still have yet to unlock the secret of how a human being could summon the mental fortitude to stay focused on a 1-0 baseball game for hours at a time , ” said project lead Vanessa Herrera , who explained that by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ select individuals clearly possess , scientists could finally unlock the full potential of the human mind .
“ The fact is these humans ’ brains have evolved in a special way , the average person would lose focus and walk away by the second inning .
We always believed that the human mind required some sort of stimulation to remain absorbed , but this upends all of that .
This is a sort of intense , internal focus that we only otherwise see in Buddhist monks .
Who knows what we could do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that kind of superhuman concentration and patience ?
” Herrera added that some baseball fans enter a state of such passive absorption that the only other point of comparison was coma patients .

SEATTLE—Revealing that the mystery has baffled scientists for the past hundred years, researchers at the University of Washington announced Friday that they have been studying the brains of select baseball fans to discover how they manage to stay interested throughout the first seven innings. “Although we have been hard at work for decades, we still have yet to unlock the secret of how a human being could summon the mental fortitude to stay focused on a 1-0 baseball game for hours at a time,” said project lead Vanessa Herrera, who explained that by discovering the special neural connections that these select individuals clearly possess, scientists could finally unlock the full potential of the human mind. “The fact is these humans’ brains have evolved in a special way, the average person would lose focus and walk away by the second inning. We always believed that the human mind required some sort of stimulation to remain absorbed, but this upends all of that. This is a sort of intense, internal focus that we only otherwise see in Buddhist monks. Who knows what we could do as a species if we all had that kind of superhuman concentration and patience?” Herrera added that some baseball fans enter a state of such passive absorption that the only other point of comparison was coma patients.


theonion--2020-09-18--Exasperated Plumber Explains To Kanye West Why Flushing Awards Bad For Toilet

CALABASAS , CA—Reaching into the multi-platinum artist ’ s overflowing pipes and pulling out several feces-and-toilet-paper-covered trophies , exasperated local plumber Larry DeGroot explained to Kanye West Thursday why flushing large metal awards was bad for his toilet .
“ Well , I think I found the problem , and that clanking metal noise you ’ re hearing probably has something to do with all the Grammys , BET Awards , and Moonman you have clogging up the works , ” said DeGroot , who after using a snake to extract the dozens of honorary doctorates , certificates , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his head in disbelief when he found a full 6-feet long Teen Choice Award surfboard banging around in the septic tank .
“ Look pal , I ’ m not trying to shame you , but mashing these metal trophies around with a toilet brush or pouring down a ton of Drano is just going to cost you another 1,000 bucks .
Trust me , I dealt with the same thing at John William ’ s house .
The worst thing you can do is ignore the problem and keep relieving yourself on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too much pressure and explodes.
” At press time , DeGroot added that it didn ’ t seem to be all Kanye ’ s fault , as there also seemed to be several red-carpet gowns , large diamonds , and designer leather pumps flushed down the toilet .

CALABASAS, CA—Reaching into the multi-platinum artist’s overflowing pipes and pulling out several feces-and-toilet-paper-covered trophies, exasperated local plumber Larry DeGroot explained to Kanye West Thursday why flushing large metal awards was bad for his toilet. “Well, I think I found the problem, and that clanking metal noise you’re hearing probably has something to do with all the Grammys, BET Awards, and Moonman you have clogging up the works,” said DeGroot, who after using a snake to extract the dozens of honorary doctorates, certificates, and framed albums from the system, shook his head in disbelief when he found a full 6-feet long Teen Choice Award surfboard banging around in the septic tank. “Look pal, I’m not trying to shame you, but mashing these metal trophies around with a toilet brush or pouring down a ton of Drano is just going to cost you another 1,000 bucks. Trust me, I dealt with the same thing at John William’s house. The worst thing you can do is ignore the problem and keep relieving yourself on top of it until it builds up too much pressure and explodes.” At press time, DeGroot added that it didn’t seem to be all Kanye’s fault, as there also seemed to be several red-carpet gowns, large diamonds, and designer leather pumps flushed down the toilet.


theonion--2020-09-19--Virtual 2020 Emmy Awards Will Be Live Event

The 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards will broadcast live this Sunday hosted by Jimmy Kimmel , with performers and nominees participating @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ If it ’ s successful , maybe they ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ year , to o.
” “ Exciting !
You never know what can happen with @ @ @ @ @ .
”

The 72nd Primetime Emmy Awards will broadcast live this Sunday hosted by Jimmy Kimmel, with performers and nominees participating from their homes. What do you think?
“If it’s successful, maybe they’ll consider having a pandemic next year, to o.” Bo Gallagher • Professional Arsonist
“Exciting! You never know what can happen with a tightly scripted industry-awards showcase.” Dana Parnell • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-09-21--Smoke Alarm Sick Of Being Yelled At For Doing Its Job

CHICAGO—Voicing anger over what it described as a severely hostile work environment , a local smoke alarm announced Monday that it was fed up with being yelled at for simply doing its job .
“ I ’ m sick and tired of people cursing me out just for telling them their goddamn house is on fire !
” said the smoke alarm , which described the abuse it has received when it beeps loudly upon detection of deadly fumes , noting that it has endured comments such as , “ Shut the fuck up , ” “ Fuck you , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worse .
“ You know what my job is ?
It ’ s to save your goddamn life .
That ’ s why you bought me , right ?
If this is the kind of appreciation I get , maybe I should just let you and your whole family sleep the next time there ’ s smoke billowing down the hallway and a wall of flames blazing toward your bedrooms .
How would you like that , huh ?
’ Cause it would serve you right , asshole.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a work stoppage , refusing to provide advance notice of fires until someone finally replaced its dead batteries .

CHICAGO—Voicing anger over what it described as a severely hostile work environment, a local smoke alarm announced Monday that it was fed up with being yelled at for simply doing its job. “I’m sick and tired of people cursing me out just for telling them their goddamn house is on fire!” said the smoke alarm, which described the abuse it has received when it beeps loudly upon detection of deadly fumes, noting that it has endured comments such as, “Shut the fuck up,” “Fuck you, you piece of shit,” and worse. “You know what my job is? It’s to save your goddamn life. That’s why you bought me, right? If this is the kind of appreciation I get, maybe I should just let you and your whole family sleep the next time there’s smoke billowing down the hallway and a wall of flames blazing toward your bedrooms. How would you like that, huh? ’Cause it would serve you right, asshole.” At press time, the smoke alarm was reportedly engaged in a work stoppage, refusing to provide advance notice of fires until someone finally replaced its dead batteries.


theonion--2020-09-21--Self-Defense Experts Say Pushing Assailant’s Gun Against Own Forehead Still Best Way To Show You Don

Self-Defense Experts Say Pushing Assailant’s Gun Against Own Forehead Still Best Way To Show You Don’t Care Whether You Live Or Die

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the unmistakable clarity of the dramatic conflict resolution maneuver , top self-defense experts confirmed Monday that seizing the barrel of your assailant ’ s gun and pushing it against your own forehead remains the foremost method of demonstrating that you no longer care whether you live or die .
“ Even the average citizen with no martial arts training or combat experience can place their head against the muzzle of a brandished firearm while shouting ‘ Do it , if you have the guts ’ in order to take control of an armed confrontation , ” said defense trainer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should be in any street-smart person ’ s playbook along with pressing one ’ s neck against an aggressor ’ s knife until one ’ s blood is drawn or driving into oncoming traffic during a carjacking .
“ This is a tried-and-true method of displaying utter disregard for your own meaningless life , causing any self-respecting gunman to believe you ’ re capable of anything .
If it ’ s not working , something as simple as placing your mouth around the barrel of the gun while maintaining unblinking eye contact is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added that grabbing your pursuer and jumping off a bridge was nearly as effective , provided you possess basic swimming skills .

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing the unmistakable clarity of the dramatic conflict resolution maneuver, top self-defense experts confirmed Monday that seizing the barrel of your assailant’s gun and pushing it against your own forehead remains the foremost method of demonstrating that you no longer care whether you live or die. “Even the average citizen with no martial arts training or combat experience can place their head against the muzzle of a brandished firearm while shouting ‘Do it, if you have the guts’ in order to take control of an armed confrontation,” said defense trainer Kim Marco, stressing that such tactics should be in any street-smart person’s playbook along with pressing one’s neck against an aggressor’s knife until one’s blood is drawn or driving into oncoming traffic during a carjacking. “This is a tried-and-true method of displaying utter disregard for your own meaningless life, causing any self-respecting gunman to believe you’re capable of anything. If it’s not working, something as simple as placing your mouth around the barrel of the gun while maintaining unblinking eye contact is almost guaranteed to resolve things.” Marco added that grabbing your pursuer and jumping off a bridge was nearly as effective, provided you possess basic swimming skills.


theonion--2020-09-21--L.A. Mayor Unveils Push To End Homelessness By Sending Around Some Pretty Reasonable Zillow Listings

L OS ANGELES—In an effort to help alleviate the city ’ s worsening crisis , Mayor Eric Garcetti unveiled a new initiative Monday to assist homeless individuals by sending around some Zillow listings that looked pretty reasonable .
“ We need to act decisively to help our unhoused brothers and sisters , which is why I ’ ve linked to some nice , modest starter homes that are going for less than market price , ” said the mayor in a social media post , urging individuals experiencing homelessness to visit some open houses and put down a deposit immediately @ @ @ @ @ @ @ war with other prospective buyers .
“ I am calling on all those in our city without a roof over their heads to check out this two-bedroom in Glendale—it ’ s right by the freeway so it ’ ll be easy to commute to your job , and the website says it has a resort-style pool , which would be a great way to keep cool during a deadly heatwave .
Even if this place isn ’ t exactly to your taste , you could just buy it now and flip it in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tidy profit.
” At press time , Garcetti announced that he had further slashed public services since few homeless people had been taking advantage of this generous new program .

LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help alleviate the city’s worsening crisis, Mayor Eric Garcetti unveiled a new initiative Monday to assist homeless individuals by sending around some Zillow listings that looked pretty reasonable. “We need to act decisively to help our unhoused brothers and sisters, which is why I’ve linked to some nice, modest starter homes that are going for less than market price,” said the mayor in a social media post, urging individuals experiencing homelessness to visit some open houses and put down a deposit immediately to avoid getting into a full-out bidding war with other prospective buyers. “I am calling on all those in our city without a roof over their heads to check out this two-bedroom in Glendale—it’s right by the freeway so it’ll be easy to commute to your job, and the website says it has a resort-style pool, which would be a great way to keep cool during a deadly heatwave. Even if this place isn’t exactly to your taste, you could just buy it now and flip it in a couple years to make quite a tidy profit.” At press time, Garcetti announced that he had further slashed public services since few homeless people had been taking advantage of this generous new program.


theonion--2020-09-21--Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Des

Student Loan Debt Making It More Difficult For Millennials To Subscribe To The Topical’s Patreon Despite Incredibly Low-Priced Membership Tiers

Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities , like early access @ @ @ @ @ , despite it being priced as low as $ 5 per month .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why many young professionals saddled with student loan debt are struggling to afford basic necessities, like early access to episodes and exclusive content, despite it being priced as low as $5 per month.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-21--Wildfires Leave Portland With Worst Air Quality In World

Fires blazing across the West Coast have left Portland , Oregon with the most polluted air in the world right @ @ @ @ @ site IQAir , which lists the city ’ s air as “ actively hazardous.
” @ @ @ @ @ “ Those of us who prepa red did all of our breathing before fire season @ @ @ @ @ ’ m so tired of Portland ’ s constant need for recognition.
” “ See @ @ @ @ @ near fire , but they don ’ t consider the risks .
”

Fires blazing across the West Coast have left Portland, Oregon with the most polluted air in the world right now according to air-quality monitoring site IQAir, which lists the city’s air as “actively hazardous.” What do you think?
“Those of us who prepa red did all of our breathing before fire season got started.” Larissa Whitley • Volunteer Chemist
“I’m so tired of Portland’s constant need for recognition.” Brian Sadler • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-09-22--Father Reminds Child He Should Never Ever Handle Gun Unless He’s Super Bored

JASPER , IN—Stressing the firearm was for “ emergencies only , ” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he ’ s super bored , household sources confirmed Tuesday .
“ Let me be clear : T his gun is not a toy , so you shouldn ’ t play with it unless you can ’ t think of anything else to do , ” said Webb , who made the 9-year-old promise he would never ever use a kitchen chair to retrieve the pistol from his bedroom closet , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the top shelf .
“ This gun is an absolute last resort .
Only take it out if you have exhausted all your video games and movies or if the internet ’ s running super slow .
This is a weapon , not something to show off to your friends , except if they say something like , ‘ There ’ s nothing to do here , let ’ s go to Ethan ’ s house ’ and you really need to impress them .
Do you understand me ?
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never ever point the gun at himself or anyone else unless it was part of a hilarious joke .

JASPER, IN—Stressing the firearm was for “emergencies only,” local father Kenny Webb reminded his son Nolan that he should never ever handle his gun unless he’s super bored, household sources confirmed Tuesday. “Let me be clear: This gun is not a toy, so you shouldn’t play with it unless you can’t think of anything else to do,” said Webb, who made the 9-year-old promise he would never ever use a kitchen chair to retrieve the pistol from his bedroom closet, which he kept in a red shoebox on the top shelf. “This gun is an absolute last resort. Only take it out if you have exhausted all your video games and movies or if the internet’s running super slow. This is a weapon, not something to show off to your friends, except if they say something like, ‘There’s nothing to do here, let’s go to Ethan’s house’ and you really need to impress them. Do you understand me?” At press time, Webb added he should never ever point the gun at himself or anyone else unless it was part of a hilarious joke.


theonion--2020-09-22--National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weath

National Weather Service Warns Recent Snow-Cainado May Be Tied To Professor Barnabas T. Vile’s Weather Destabilizing Machine

Part blizzard , part hurricane , part tornado—all destruction .
We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and @ @ @ @ @ could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Part blizzard, part hurricane, part tornado—all destruction. We have the latest on this unprecedented tsunami-hailstorm combination and why many experts believe it could be caused by the villainous Professor Vile and his weather-destabilizing machine.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-09-22--Your Horoscopes — Week Of September 22, 2020

Nobody said that it was going to be easy , or fun , or even practical .
But then nobody @ @ @ @ @ desire to take up differential calculus .

Gemini | May 21 to June 20
It may take more muscles to smile than it does to frown, but with 90% of your body completely paralyzed, even frowning would be a worthwhile workout.


theonion--2020-09-22--Airlines Offer Flights To Nowhere

Airlines Offer Flights To Nowhere

Airlines in Japan , Brunei , Taiwan , and Australia have begun offering short flights that take off and land @ @ @ @ @ people who miss flying , with many flights selling out as soon as they become @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ I ’ m happy just parking at the airport for $ 60.
@ @ @ @ @ so much more to flying than just buying a ticket , getting on a plane @ @ @ @ @ then landing .
”

Airlines in Japan, Brunei, Taiwan, and Australia have begun offering short flights that take off and land in the same location for people who miss flying, with many flights selling out as soon as they become available. What do you think?
“I’m happy just parking at the airport for $60.” Jim Reibman • Beverage Critic
“There’s so much more to flying than just buying a ticket, getting on a plane, taking off, and then landing.” Gia Venegas • Fish Stick Fryer
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