theonion--2020-04-17--‘You’ve Served Me Well, But This Has Gone Too Far,’ Says Oprah Loading Shotgun After Watching Dr. Oz

‘You’ve Served Me Well, But This Has Gone Too Far,’ Says Oprah Loading Shotgun After Watching Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil Fox News Appearances

MONTECITO , CA—Sighing in remorse at the “ monsters of my own creation ” after viewing recent appearances on Fox @ @ @ @ @ Dr. Phil , media tycoon and longtime talk show host Oprah Winfrey reportedly muttered “ @ @ @ @ @ , but this has gone too far , ” Friday while loading a shotgun .
@ @ @ @ @ a good run , boys , but business is business , ” said Winfrey , @ @ @ @ @ Mossberg 500 before calling to be picked up by her personal stealth helicopter .
“ @ @ @ @ @ them—a sleazy corporate lawyer , and a two-bit snake-oil salesman—perfect additions to my syndicate .
@ @ @ @ @ thing going for a while there , but you can ’ t be on Oprah @ @ @ @ @ forever , now can you ?
Time for these ‘ doctors ’ to take their @ @ @ @ @ , Winfrey was reportedly found covered in blood making new selections for her book club @

MONTECITO, CA—Sighing in remorse at the “monsters of my own creation” after viewing recent appearances on Fox News by Dr. Oz and Dr. Phil, media tycoon and longtime talk show host Oprah Winfrey reportedly muttered “You have served me well, but this has gone too far,” Friday while loading a shotgun. “Well, we had a good run, boys, but business is business,” said Winfrey, loading shells into a pump-action Mossberg 500 before calling to be picked up by her personal stealth helicopter. “I remember when I found them—a sleazy corporate lawyer, and a two-bit snake-oil salesman—perfect additions to my syndicate. We really had a good thing going for a while there, but you can’t be on Oprah’s Favorite Things list forever, now can you? Time for these ‘doctors’ to take their medicine.” At press time, Winfrey was reportedly found covered in blood making new selections for her book club.


theonion--2020-04-17--Fox News Producer Tasked With Calculating How Long It Would Take To Get Kid Rock A Doctorate

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster the booked guest ’ s professional credibility , Fox News executives reportedly tasked producer @ @ @ @ @ how long it would take to get Kid Rock a doctorate .
“ Hmm , @ @ @ @ @ he didn ’ t go to undergrad , but maybe we can swing some kind @ @ @ @ @ said Reese , pacing the floor of her office as she directed her assistant to @ @ @ @ @ and made a note to check and see if she had any contacts at Liberty @ @ @ @ @ .
“ What about a Doctor of Music ?
Can he do that fast ?
@ @ @ @ @ to earn him some kind of credit .
Or maybe he could be a professor @ @ @ @ @ course on Americana .
Just so we can stick ‘ Dr .
Kid Rock ’ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Reese was sending a message to the legal department to find @ @ @ @ @ the network just started calling him doctor .

NEW YORK—In an effort to bolster the booked guest’s professional credibility, Fox News executives reportedly tasked producer Lydia Reese Friday with calculating how long it would take to get Kid Rock a doctorate. “Hmm, it might be tough since he didn’t go to undergrad, but maybe we can swing some kind of honorary degree,” said Reese, pacing the floor of her office as she directed her assistant to research accelerated online degree programs and made a note to check and see if she had any contacts at Liberty University who could be useful. “What about a Doctor of Music? Can he do that fast? His albums should be able to earn him some kind of credit. Or maybe he could be a professor and teach a pop culture course on Americana. Just so we can stick ‘Dr. Kid Rock’ on the chyron. “At press time, Reese was sending a message to the legal department to find out what would happen if the network just started calling him doctor.


theonion--2020-04-17--Pathetic Minimum-Wage Worker Devastated About Losing Job That Only Paid Couple Hundred Dollars A Wee

Pathetic Minimum-Wage Worker Devastated About Losing Job That Only Paid Couple Hundred Dollars A Week Anyway

PITTSBURGH—Inexplicably stressed and anxious over his recent unemployment , pathetic minimum-wage worker Michael Fortin was reportedly devastated about losing his job Friday , despite the fact it only paid a couple hundred dollars a week anyway .
“ He keeps crying , ‘ What am I going to do ?
What am I going to do ?
, ’ but it ’ s not like he was earning enough to survive off of , ” said roommate Clay Bowers , who noted that Fortin ’ s job hadn ’ t even technically been full-time since he could never get his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hours a week .
“ He barely had enough money for groceries after covering rent every month , so really , what ’ s the loss ?
Christ , get it together dude .
If I lost a couple hundred dollars a week , I wouldn ’ t even notice .
It ’ s not like he even had benefits to begin with .
And now that he won ’ t have to spend so much on gasoline and car repairs , he might actually be saving money.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ jobs would have been able to make a dent in Fortin ’ s six-figure debt .

PITTSBURGH—Inexplicably stressed and anxious over his recent unemployment, pathetic minimum-wage worker Michael Fortin was reportedly devastated about losing his job Friday, despite the fact it only paid a couple hundred dollars a week anyway. “He keeps crying, ‘What am I going to do? What am I going to do?,’ but it’s not like he was earning enough to survive off of,” said roommate Clay Bowers, who noted that Fortin’s job hadn’t even technically been full-time since he could never get his manager to assign him more than 39.5 hours a week. “He barely had enough money for groceries after covering rent every month, so really, what’s the loss? Christ, get it together dude. If I lost a couple hundred dollars a week, I wouldn’t even notice. It’s not like he even had benefits to begin with. And now that he won’t have to spend so much on gasoline and car repairs, he might actually be saving money.” At press time, Bowers added that not even two minimum-wage jobs would have been able to make a dent in Fortin’s six-figure debt.


theonion--2020-04-17--Innovation FTW: New PS5 Controller Features Third Joystick You Operate With Your Tongue

It might be too early to crown a winner in the next generation console wars , but Sony just gave us a major reason to stake money with these odds !
After the exciting reveal of the DualSense controller earlier this month , the console titan just leaked an innovative new feature that will make the PlayStation 5 a must-have : a third joystick that you can operate exclusively with your tongue .
This might be the biggest bet on a controller innovation since the original Wii !
“ The DualSense represents a radical departure from our previous controllers that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the first joystick that can only be moved with a gamer ’ s tongue , ” said Jim Ryan , president and CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment , saying that the company had gone through dozens of conceptual models to sculpt an ergonomic oral joystick that perfectly fits the tongues of all gamers .
“ Lick up , down , or in a circular motion and the joystick will be able to fully detect that motion-based data and immediately incorporate it into the game world.
” “ Developers have free rein to choose @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but we imagine it will generally control the character ’ s tongue , ” he added .
According to the press release , the controller will also be able to monitor the precise amount of saliva you dispense onto the joystick while licking it and subtly modify hundreds of aspects of your avatar ’ s actions in real time , ranging from licking another character ’ s face in a multiplayer match to moistening a letter in an immersive walking sim .
Better yet , it features a removable slipcover and saliva @ @ @ @ @ @ @ controller off and get back into the action as soon as possible !
Now , this is the sort of creative design that has to get you excited about the coming generation .
Frankly , we haven ’ t been this excited about a gaming innovation since Sega revealed that you could eat the Sega Saturn Control Pad !

It might be too early to crown a winner in the next generation console wars, but Sony just gave us a major reason to stake money with these odds! After the exciting reveal of the DualSense controller earlier this month, the console titan just leaked an innovative new feature that will make the PlayStation 5 a must-have: a third joystick that you can operate exclusively with your tongue.
This might be the biggest bet on a controller innovation since the original Wii!
“The DualSense represents a radical departure from our previous controllers that uses revolutionary new salivary sensors to create the first joystick that can only be moved with a gamer’s tongue,” said Jim Ryan, president and CEO of Sony Interactive Entertainment, saying that the company had gone through dozens of conceptual models to sculpt an ergonomic oral joystick that perfectly fits the tongues of all gamers. “Lick up, down, or in a circular motion and the joystick will be able to fully detect that motion-based data and immediately incorporate it into the game world.”
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“Developers have free rein to choose how they’ll use the joystick, but we imagine it will generally control the character’s tongue,” he added.
According to the press release, the controller will also be able to monitor the precise amount of saliva you dispense onto the joystick while licking it and subtly modify hundreds of aspects of your avatar’s actions in real time, ranging from licking another character’s face in a multiplayer match to moistening a letter in an immersive walking sim. Better yet, it features a removable slipcover and saliva trap that allows gamers to clean the controller off and get back into the action as soon as possible!
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Now, this is the sort of creative design that has to get you excited about the coming generation. Frankly, we haven’t been this excited about a gaming innovation since Sega revealed that you could eat the Sega Saturn Control Pad!


theonion--2020-04-17--Taiwanese Robot Baseball Fan Ejected For Yelling Slurs At Pitch Camera

TAOYUAN , TAIWAN—Shouting “ Commodore ” as nearby automatons were forced to cover their small peripheral ’ s microphones , @ @ @ @ @ was ejected from a Monkeys–Lions game Friday after yelling slurs at a pitch camera .
@ @ @ @ @ , malware-infected piece of scrap .
You call that a strike ?
You ought to @ @ @ @ @ the unruly fan according to stadium sources , who reportedly overheard his disparaging remarks about @ @ @ @ @ computing power and the inferior build of its motherboard .
“ Take a hike , @ @ @ @ @ st-56xI models are ruining baseball , but what do you expect when you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ Go back to the Philippines !
” At press time , CPBL revoked the robot @ @ @ @ @ after it punched a security guard while attempting to get back in the stadium .

TAOYUAN, TAIWAN—Shouting “Commodore” as nearby automatons were forced to cover their small peripheral’s microphones, a Taiwanese robotic baseball fan was ejected from a Monkeys–Lions game Friday after yelling slurs at a pitch camera. “Look at this defunct, malware-infected piece of scrap. You call that a strike? You ought to be recycled,” said the unruly fan according to stadium sources, who reportedly overheard his disparaging remarks about the robot’s baseline computing power and the inferior build of its motherboard. “Take a hike, trash cam! These useless st-56xI models are ruining baseball, but what do you expect when you’re relying on fifth-generation hardware? Go back to the Philippines!” At press time, CPBL revoked the robot fan’s season tickets after it punched a security guard while attempting to get back in the stadium.


theonion--2020-04-17--Ford, General Motors To Begin Manufacturing Car-Sized Ventilators

The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus , and manufacturers all across the country are @ @ @ @ @ to produce much-needed ventilators , so long as no one minds that the ventilators will @ @ @ @ @ same size as cars .
OPR has the latest on this heroic undertaking .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The American automotive industry is taking action in the fight against coronavirus, and manufacturers all across the country are pledging to use their factories to produce much-needed ventilators, so long as no one minds that the ventilators will look like and be the same size as cars. OPR has the latest on this heroic undertaking.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-17--British WWII Vet Raises Millions For NHS By Walking Laps Around Yard

99-year-old British veteran Tom Moore has raised more than $ 15 million in support of the National Health Service ’ @ @ @ @ @ walking 100 laps around his backyard , far surpassing his original goal of $ 1,250 @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ It ’ s nice to know we ’ re not the only country @ @ @ @ @ publicity stunts to help finance our healthcare system.
” “ Now I feel like an @ @ @ @ @ walking I ’ ve done .
”

99-year-old British veteran Tom Moore has raised more than $15 million in support of the National Health Service’s fight against Covid-19 by walking 100 laps around his backyard, far surpassing his original goal of $1,250. What do you think?
“It’s nice to know we’re not the only country that relies on crowdfunding and publicity stunts to help finance our healthcare system.” Rich Norberg • Knitting Expert
“Now I feel like an idiot for all the free walking I’ve done.” Bobbi Cranshaw • Raccoon Exterminator
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theonion--2020-04-17--The Greatest Moments In Slideshow History

2013 : In a controversial 5-4 ruling in United States v. 15 Cheeseburgers We Wish We Were Eating Right Now @ @ @ @ @ that the Defense of Marriage Act is in violation of the equal protection provisions of @ @ @ @ @ is seen as a pivota l moment in the movement for slideshow rights and a @ @ @ @ @ rulings , even in states traditionally hostile to marriages between two slideshows .

2013: In a controversial 5-4 ruling in United States v. 15 Cheeseburgers We Wish We Were Eating Right Now, the Supreme Court finds that the Defense of Marriage Act is in violation of the equal protection provisions of the Constitution. The ruling is seen as a pivota l moment in the movement for slideshow rights and a catalyst for similar lower court rulings, even in states traditionally hostile to marriages between two slideshows.


theonion--2020-04-19--Regretful ‘The Last Dance’ Producers Realize They Probably Should’ve Tried To Interview Michael Jord

Regretful ‘The Last Dance’ Producers Realize They Probably Should’ve Tried To Interview Michael Jordan

BRISTOL , CT—Kicking themselves for spacing on what would have been an integral part of the documentary , the regretful producers of the ’ 98 Chicago Bulls documentary The Last Dance realized Friday they probably should have tried to interview Michael Jordan .
“ Fuck , I don ’ t know why we didn ’ t even think of this , he probably would have had some pretty good anecdotes to share about the season , ” said producer Michael Tollin , who admitted that while asking Phil Jackson about what it was like to coach Toni Kukoc was interesting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ insight into the mindset of 14-time All-Star as well .
“ We have , like , 10 hours of Ron Harper and Luc Longley .
Then someone told me they were excited about hearing from Jordan , and I was like , ‘ Dammit , why didn ’ t I think of that ?
’ I shouldn ’ t have spent all that time trying to track down Obama—he didn ’ t know shit about what it was like inside the locker room.
” At press time , Tollin was scrambling after the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ use of game footage .

BRISTOL, CT—Kicking themselves for spacing on what would have been an integral part of the documentary, the regretful producers of the ’98 Chicago Bulls documentary The Last Dance realized Friday they probably should have tried to interview Michael Jordan. “Fuck, I don’t know why we didn’t even think of this, he probably would have had some pretty good anecdotes to share about the season,” said producer Michael Tollin, who admitted that while asking Phil Jackson about what it was like to coach Toni Kukoc was interesting, he probably would have had some insight into the mindset of 14-time All-Star as well. “We have, like, 10 hours of Ron Harper and Luc Longley. Then someone told me they were excited about hearing from Jordan, and I was like, ‘Dammit, why didn’t I think of that?’ I shouldn’t have spent all that time trying to track down Obama—he didn’t know shit about what it was like inside the locker room.” At press time, Tollin was scrambling after the NBA threatened to sue him over unauthorized use of game footage.


theonion--2020-04-20--Tour De France Postponed Until August

Tour De France Postponed Until August

The International Cycling Union announced the Tour de France has been postponed until late August , the first time the @ @ @ @ @ in July since WWII , though public health experts warn that even with delays the @ @ @ @ @ of coronavirus across Europe .
What do you think ?
“ This is exactly the @ @ @ @ @ spread if I were trying to get a head start .
” “ Luckily , @ @ @ @ @ get too hung up on tradition.
” “ And will it still be on bikes @ @

The International Cycling Union announced the Tour de France has been postponed until late August, the first time the race has not been held in July since WWII, though public health experts warn that even with delays the event could trigger a resurgence of coronavirus across Europe. What do you think?
“This is exactly the type of rumor I would spread if I were trying to get a head start. ” Carlos Ventura, Phantom Limb Researcher
“Luckily, the French don’t get too hung up on tradition.” Edwina Simon, Pill Splitter
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theonion--2020-04-20--More Americans Report Vivid, Violent Dreams During Pandemic

According to a sleep survey by psychologists at Harvard Medical School , disruptions to normal life and increased levels of @ @ @ @ @ are causing Americans to experience more intense , memorable nightmares .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ thought the governor said we weren ’ t allowed to go to sleep right now @ @ @ @ @ ’ t approve of all the violent messages in today ’ s collective unconscious .
@

According to a sleep survey by psychologists at Harvard Medical School, disruptions to normal life and increased levels of anxiety due to the coronavirus are causing Americans to experience more intense, memorable nightmares. What do you think?
“Wait, I thought the governor said we weren’t allowed to go to sleep right now? ” Wendy Babbit • Menu Author
“I don’t approve of all the violent messages in today’s collective unconscious.” Grant Ettinger • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-04-20--BP Celebrates 10th Anniversary Of Deepwater Horizon By Dyeing Gulf Of Mexico Black

PORT FOURCHON , LA—On the very spot off the Louisiana coast where the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig exploded and left the company ’ s mark on the region forever , BP celebrated the 10th anniversary of its historic , 210-million-gallon oil spill Monday by dyeing the entire Gulf of Mexico black .
“ Ten years ago today was a landmark in BP ’ s history—no , in America ’ s history—and we wanted to commemorate it with a splash , ” said former BP CEO Tony Hayward , the event ’ s keynote speaker , as a 1,500-foot oil tanker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dye , the chemical composition of which company officials declined to disclose to reporters .
“ So as a tribute we will now blacken these waters from the Florida Panhandle all the way to Texas , lest Americans forget this unique heritage and reach a point where they no longer instinctively recall , with each passing of a BP station along the highway , the greatest marine oil spill the world has ever known .
Today , a full decade later , hydrocarbons can still be found in every fish in the gulf—every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the area ’ s dolphins still suffer from lung disease .
I daresay that is a legacy more remarkable than any of us could have imagined.
” At press time , Hayward extended an invitation to families with small children to come down to a local beach where BP planned to continue the festivities by hosting a traditional turtle-stomping .

PORT FOURCHON, LA—On the very spot off the Louisiana coast where the Deepwater Horizon drilling rig exploded and left the company’s mark on the region forever, BP celebrated the 10th anniversary of its historic, 210-million-gallon oil spill Monday by dyeing the entire Gulf of Mexico black. “Ten years ago today was a landmark in BP’s history—no, in America’s history—and we wanted to commemorate it with a splash,” said former BP CEO Tony Hayward, the event’s keynote speaker, as a 1,500-foot oil tanker released into the gulf an inky black dye, the chemical composition of which company officials declined to disclose to reporters. “So as a tribute we will now blacken these waters from the Florida Panhandle all the way to Texas, lest Americans forget this unique heritage and reach a point where they no longer instinctively recall, with each passing of a BP station along the highway, the greatest marine oil spill the world has ever known. Today, a full decade later, hydrocarbons can still be found in every fish in the gulf—every single one of them—and more than half the area’s dolphins still suffer from lung disease. I daresay that is a legacy more remarkable than any of us could have imagined.” At press time, Hayward extended an invitation to families with small children to come down to a local beach where BP planned to continue the festivities by hosting a traditional turtle-stomping.


theonion--2020-04-20--Fully Recovered Chris Cuomo Gradually Realizing Family Never Going To Let Him Out Of Basement

LONG ISLAND , NY—Saying recent improvements to his health had given him the energy to finally consider the strangeness of his situation , fully recovered CNN anchor Chris Cuomo gradually came to realize Monday that his family never intended to let him out the basement where he convalesced .
“ Cristina , are you out there , hon ’ ?
I think the lock down here might have gotten stuck ?
” said the visibly anxious Prime Time host , furiously banging on the deadbolted basement door leading to the main house and stressing that he was sure he could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ outside , but seemed to be intentionally ignoring his increasingly desperate calls for help .
“ There ’ s no toilet down here , sweetheart , and I ’ m running out of food .
And you took my phone the other day .
Also , I tried to climb out the window , but that seems to be sealed , too .
Huh .
Come to think of it , why do I hear a man ’ s voice out there ?
Is that Andrew ?
Honey , what the hell is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , goddamnit !
” At press time , the increasingly frantic broadcaster had begun searching for a way out through an air shaft after hearing the distinct sound of bricks being laid down outside the basement ’ s exit .

LONG ISLAND, NY—Saying recent improvements to his health had given him the energy to finally consider the strangeness of his situation, fully recovered CNN anchor Chris Cuomo gradually came to realize Monday that his family never intended to let him out the basement where he convalesced. “Cristina, are you out there, hon’? I think the lock down here might have gotten stuck?” said the visibly anxious Prime Time host, furiously banging on the deadbolted basement door leading to the main house and stressing that he was sure he could hear his wife and children milling around outside, but seemed to be intentionally ignoring his increasingly desperate calls for help. “There’s no toilet down here, sweetheart, and I’m running out of food. And you took my phone the other day. Also, I tried to climb out the window, but that seems to be sealed, too. Huh. Come to think of it, why do I hear a man’s voice out there? Is that Andrew? Honey, what the hell is Andrew doing over here? Open up, goddamnit!” At press time, the increasingly frantic broadcaster had begun searching for a way out through an air shaft after hearing the distinct sound of bricks being laid down outside the basement’s exit.


theonion--2020-04-20--CDC Urges Nation’s Hotties And Studs Not To Hide That Pretty Little Face Behind A Mask

The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19 .
Hear why health officials now believe that if @ @ @ @ @ should flaunt it .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

The CDC is issuing new guidelines in the fight against Covid-19. Hear why health officials now believe that if you got it, you should flaunt it.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-20--A Timeline Of Marijuana

A Timeline Of Marijuana

1500 : The epic poem “ Hashish And Wine ” by the poet Fuzûlî , featuring an allegorical conversation between @ @ @ @ @ the earliest known example of people liking some piece of bullshit because it talks about @ @

1500: The epic poem “Hashish And Wine” by the poet Fuzûlî, featuring an allegorical conversation between the two substances, marks the earliest known example of people liking some piece of bullshit because it talks about weed.


theonion--2020-04-20--Marijuana And Criminal Justice

Marijuana And Criminal Justice

8 in 10 : Incarcerated marijuana dealers who leave prison with far more business connections and industry knowledge than competitors @ @ @ @ @

8 in 10: Incarcerated marijuana dealers who leave prison with far more business connections and industry knowledge than competitors who never get arrested.


theonion--2020-04-20--Marijuana Laws By State

Marijuana Laws By State

Washington , D.C. : Legalized in a ballot initiative by D.C. voters but barred from commercial sale by Congress in @ @ @ @ @ to admit sums up the argument in support of D.C. statehood .

Washington, D.C.: Legalized in a ballot initiative by D.C. voters but barred from commercial sale by Congress in what you’ve got to admit sums up the argument in support of D.C. statehood.


theonion--2020-04-20--Boston Market CEO Forgoes Annual 2 Million-Gallon Gravy Bonus To Help Pay Unemployed Workers

GOLDEN , CO—In a move widely lauded as an example of responsible and compassionate stewardship , Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced Monday that he would forgo his annual 2 million-gallon gravy bonus in order to help pay workers who have been furloughed during the restaurant chain ’ s extended closures .
“ I am proud to announce that I will be limiting myself to one small side of buttered corn and half a barbecue chicken this year in lieu of any sauce-based compensation I may be entitled to , ” said Wyatt in a company-wide memo to employees of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them for their continued commitment to rotisserie excellence .
“ Frankly , I have more than enough gravy to keep my family ’ s mashed potatoes comfortably smothered for years to come , and that would not be the case if it weren ’ t for the tireless efforts of you , the Boston Market family of skilled rib slatherers and cornbread bakers , who have dedicated your lives to lovingly piling our charred meats and savory fluids into hot bins under heat lamps .
The least I can do is ensure that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ next meal ’ s beige liquid topping will be coming from.
” At press time , Wyatt publicly called upon the CEOs of Souplantation , Sizzler , and Old Country Buffet to join him in distributing surpluses of garnishes and condiments among their many struggling employees .

GOLDEN, CO—In a move widely lauded as an example of responsible and compassionate stewardship, Boston Market CEO Eric Wyatt announced Monday that he would forgo his annual 2 million-gallon gravy bonus in order to help pay workers who have been furloughed during the restaurant chain’s extended closures. “I am proud to announce that I will be limiting myself to one small side of buttered corn and half a barbecue chicken this year in lieu of any sauce-based compensation I may be entitled to,” said Wyatt in a company-wide memo to employees of all 462 Boston Market locations before thanking them for their continued commitment to rotisserie excellence. “Frankly, I have more than enough gravy to keep my family’s mashed potatoes comfortably smothered for years to come, and that would not be the case if it weren’t for the tireless efforts of you, the Boston Market family of skilled rib slatherers and cornbread bakers, who have dedicated your lives to lovingly piling our charred meats and savory fluids into hot bins under heat lamps. The least I can do is ensure that you needn’t worry where your next meal’s beige liquid topping will be coming from.” At press time, Wyatt publicly called upon the CEOs of Souplantation, Sizzler, and Old Country Buffet to join him in distributing surpluses of garnishes and condiments among their many struggling employees.


theonion--2020-04-20--Having Trouble Finding The Coelacanth In ‘Animal Crossing’? And You Expect Us To Help You, After All

Having Trouble Finding The Coelacanth In ‘Animal Crossing’? And You Expect Us To Help You, After All You’ve Done? It Would Be Beneath Us To Even Grant You Death, You Dog

In these stressful times , gamers are finding Animal Crossing : New Horizons to be the ultimate in digital escapes .
It ’ s a relaxing game packed with incredible secrets and hidden activities to enjoy , though none is as elusive as fishing for the infamous coelacanth .
And if you turned to this page expecting to find tips on how to locate this ultra-rare fish , after everything you ’ ve done to us , then you are sorely mistaken .
No , we should not even grant you death , you foul villain !
Indeed , you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our palm as it would strike down an impudent dog .
What ’ s that ?
You strove to complete your collection at the Animal Crossing museum by delivering this fish to Blathers , the curator , and you somehow thought we would aid you in this quest ?
Were you really such a self-deceiving knave to expect us to forget the past so quickly ?
Did you truly believe we—we who have suffered such grave insults to our honor—would meekly turn over such gaming secrets ?
And , what ’ s more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yourself ?
Never .
The sun will be snuffed out and all creation plunged into a forever night before we would so much as impart a droplet of our knowledge about where and how to discover rare fish .
Oh , we have seen the coelacanth , and it is as beautiful and glorious as all the tales and fables have made you imagine .
Sadly , your unworthy eyes will never gaze upon it .
You will wander the earth seeking out provender and succor like a rat , a simpering little @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for assistance .
Just the thought of it !
Ha !
How could we have ever forgiven you—you , whose sins could not be forgiven by even the most benevolent God ?
Nay , all of our Animal Crossing secrets will remain ours and ours alone .
We shall see to that .
Forsooth , not even death shall give you satisfaction .
The coelacanth shall remain perpetually out of your reach , you revolting blackguard , you rogue and cursed vagabond .
Now , begone , you wretched being !
Begone !

In these stressful times, gamers are finding Animal Crossing: New Horizons to be the ultimate in digital escapes. It’s a relaxing game packed with incredible secrets and hidden activities to enjoy, though none is as elusive as fishing for the infamous coelacanth. And if you turned to this page expecting to find tips on how to locate this ultra-rare fish, after everything you’ve done to us, then you are sorely mistaken.
No, we should not even grant you death, you foul villain! Indeed, you do not even deserve the taste of our palm as it would strike down an impudent dog.
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What’s that? You strove to complete your collection at the Animal Crossing museum by delivering this fish to Blathers, the curator, and you somehow thought we would aid you in this quest? Were you really such a self-deceiving knave to expect us to forget the past so quickly? Did you truly believe we—we who have suffered such grave insults to our honor—would meekly turn over such gaming secrets? And, what’s more, to a scoundrel as odious as yourself? Never. The sun will be snuffed out and all creation plunged into a forever night before we would so much as impart a droplet of our knowledge about where and how to discover rare fish.
Oh, we have seen the coelacanth, and it is as beautiful and glorious as all the tales and fables have made you imagine. Sadly, your unworthy eyes will never gaze upon it. You will wander the earth seeking out provender and succor like a rat, a simpering little beast eternally tortured for its impudent request for assistance. Just the thought of it! Ha! How could we have ever forgiven you—you, whose sins could not be forgiven by even the most benevolent God? Nay, all of our Animal Crossing secrets will remain ours and ours alone. We shall see to that. Forsooth, not even death shall give you satisfaction. The coelacanth shall remain perpetually out of your reach, you revolting blackguard, you rogue and cursed vagabond.
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Now, begone, you wretched being! Begone!


theonion--2020-04-20--Antsy Nursing Home Residents Counting Down Seconds Until They Can All Get Back To Fucking Each Other

MONTCLAIR , NJ—Moaning with passion at the mere thought of human contact , antsy residents at Belmont Village Nursing Home told reporters Monday that they were counting down the seconds until they could all get back to fucking each other again .
“ Oh my God , the minute this thing ends , I ’ m busting out of here , ripping off my clothes , and getting all holes filled by whoever is left in independent senior living , ” said 94-year-old resident Edna O ’ Hara , adding that for the past five weeks , she ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reclining bed , whistling and licking her lips at whatever geriatric residents happen to wheel by her door .
“ I need someone up in my guts .
Two months ago , I was spending 7 days a week , 24 hours a day sitting on more toothless faces than you can count on two hands .
But now they say I can ’ t even do hand stuff with people like Bernard or Janice ?
They ’ re basically dead already anyway.
” At press time , desperate nursing home residents had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ send them emergency supplies to at least find temporary sexual relief on their own .

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Moaning with passion at the mere thought of human contact, antsy residents at Belmont Village Nursing Home told reporters Monday that they were counting down the seconds until they could all get back to fucking each other again. “Oh my God, the minute this thing ends, I’m busting out of here, ripping off my clothes, and getting all holes filled by whoever is left in independent senior living,” said 94-year-old resident Edna O’Hara, adding that for the past five weeks, she’s been sitting around sopping wet in her reclining bed, whistling and licking her lips at whatever geriatric residents happen to wheel by her door. “I need someone up in my guts. Two months ago, I was spending 7 days a week, 24 hours a day sitting on more toothless faces than you can count on two hands. But now they say I can’t even do hand stuff with people like Bernard or Janice? They’re basically dead already anyway.” At press time, desperate nursing home residents had reportedly begun asking friends and family to send them emergency supplies to at least find temporary sexual relief on their own.


theonion--2020-04-20--13 Most Common Questions Employers Will Ask At A Job Interview

“ Why do you keep looking at me like that ?
Why do you keep looking at me like that @ @ @ @ @ , I ’ ll throw you on the ground and put my foot straight through @ @ @ @ @

“Why do you keep looking at me like that? Why do you keep looking at me like that? I swear to God, I’ll throw you on the ground and put my foot straight through your fucking skull.”


theonion--2020-04-21--If Woman Makes It Through This, She Finally Going To Wear Hat In Public

RALEIGH , NC—Vowing to make bolder , less boring choices with her wardrobe going forward , local woman Helen Sletski announced Tuesday that if she survived the coronavirus pandemic and her state ’ s ongoing lockdown , she would go through with long-deferred plans to wear a hat in public .
“ Life ’ s too short—I see that now—and when this is all over , I ’ m finally ready to just go for it , ” Sletski said as she sorted through a box of unworn berets , fedoras , ball caps , and beanies that had been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decade and relegated to the back of her closet before she had actually worn them anywhere .
“ I never appreciated the freedom I had to just throw on a bowler , walk outside , and keep it on my head through brunch until that freedom was snatched away from me .
No longer will I put on my denim bucket hat and spend an hour wondering what everyone will think of it or worrying that it makes my face look too round .
Fuck that .
The next time you see me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this wide-brimmed wicker sun hat work for me or I ’ ll be dead !
” At press time , Sletski was overheard saying she was kidding herself if she thought she could pull off a fez without looking like a “ big fat idiot .
”

RALEIGH, NC—Vowing to make bolder, less boring choices with her wardrobe going forward, local woman Helen Sletski announced Tuesday that if she survived the coronavirus pandemic and her state’s ongoing lockdown, she would go through with long-deferred plans to wear a hat in public. “Life’s too short—I see that now—and when this is all over, I’m finally ready to just go for it,” Sletski said as she sorted through a box of unworn berets, fedoras, ball caps, and beanies that had been purchased over the course of the past decade and relegated to the back of her closet before she had actually worn them anywhere. “I never appreciated the freedom I had to just throw on a bowler, walk outside, and keep it on my head through brunch until that freedom was snatched away from me. No longer will I put on my denim bucket hat and spend an hour wondering what everyone will think of it or worrying that it makes my face look too round. Fuck that. The next time you see me, I’ll either be making this wide-brimmed wicker sun hat work for me or I’ll be dead!” At press time, Sletski was overheard saying she was kidding herself if she thought she could pull off a fez without looking like a “big fat idiot.”


theonion--2020-04-21--Shake Shack Returns $10 Million Loan Meant For Small Businesses

Executives for the burger chain Shake Shack say they will return the $ 10 million loan they received as part @ @ @ @ @ , a now-empty relief fund which was intended to help small businesses pay employees during @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ Shake Sh ack is never going to make it as a @ @ @ @ @ themselves get shamed for their greed like this .
”

Executives for the burger chain Shake Shack say they will return the $10 million loan they received as part of the Paycheck Protection Program, a now-empty relief fund which was intended to help small businesses pay employees during the pandemic. What do you think?
“Shake Sh ack is never going to make it as a business if they keep letting themselves get shamed for their greed like this.” Jason Poley • Portmanteau Developer
“In their defense, Americans usually turn a blind eye to blatant cash grabs.” Neal McGriff • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-04-21--Novak Djokovic Clarifies Anti-Vaccine Comments By Insisting He’s Always Supported Having Sponsors

MONACO—Walking back controversial statements about the Covid-19 crisis after a harsh backlash , Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic clarified his anti-vaccine comments Tuesday by insisting he has always clearly supported having sponsors .
“ Look , I know some people took what I said out of context , but I am 100 % supportive of being in commercials , and I would never do anything to jeopardize that , ” said Djokovic in a press statement , going on to state that he would never want to give the public the false impression that he was someone who could not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone who knows me recognizes that I ’ ve been very sympathetic to the brands , products , and services that pay large sums of money for me to endorse .
It would be completely reckless for me to damage my relationship with Lacoste , and I hope they know that .
Why would I want to make a public health disaster like coronavirus worse when that only limits my earning potential ?
” Djokovic ended the press release by inviting his fans to ask him whatever they wanted about the European migrant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ 90s .

MONACO—Walking back controversial statements about the Covid-19 crisis after a harsh backlash, Serbian tennis star Novak Djokovic clarified his anti-vaccine comments Tuesday by insisting he has always clearly supported having sponsors. “Look, I know some people took what I said out of context, but I am 100% supportive of being in commercials, and I would never do anything to jeopardize that,” said Djokovic in a press statement, going on to state that he would never want to give the public the false impression that he was someone who could not sell Seiko watches. “I think everyone who knows me recognizes that I’ve been very sympathetic to the brands, products, and services that pay large sums of money for me to endorse. It would be completely reckless for me to damage my relationship with Lacoste, and I hope they know that. Why would I want to make a public health disaster like coronavirus worse when that only limits my earning potential?” Djokovic ended the press release by inviting his fans to ask him whatever they wanted about the European migrant crisis or the Yugoslav wars of the ’90s.


theonion--2020-04-21--Protesters Demand States Reopen, Notice Spike In Coronavirus Cases, Infuriate Them By Locking Down A

Protesters Demand States Reopen, Notice Spike In Coronavirus Cases, Infuriate Them By Locking Down Again

WASHINGTON—Pushing back against what they viewed as tyrannical measures , protesters across the country took to the streets Tuesday to @ @ @ @ @ reopen , notice a spike in coronavirus cases , and then infuriate protesters by once @ @ @ @ @ We urge these governors to immediately loosen restrictions on large gatherings , witness an influx @ @ @ @ @ us off further by once more putting in place restrictions , ” said protester Alison @ @ @ @ @ it was her right as an American to participate in the economy , see cases @ @ @ @ @ lose family members , and be forced back inside again .
“ This country was @ @ @ @ @ liberty , and that means letting citizens make their own choices until the spread has @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s no choice but to anger us further by taking even more extreme @ @ @ @ @ that she and her fellow protestors planned to continue this cycle of protesting until things @ @ @ @ @ another .

WASHINGTON—Pushing back against what they viewed as tyrannical measures, protesters across the country took to the streets Tuesday to hold demonstrations demanding that states reopen, notice a spike in coronavirus cases, and then infuriate protesters by once again locking down. “We urge these governors to immediately loosen restrictions on large gatherings, witness an influx of cases, and piss us off further by once more putting in place restrictions,” said protester Alison Driscoll, telling reporters that it was her right as an American to participate in the economy, see cases of the disease skyrocket, lose family members, and be forced back inside again. “This country was founded on the ideals of liberty, and that means letting citizens make their own choices until the spread has reached such a level that there’s no choice but to anger us further by taking even more extreme distancing measures.” Driscoll noted that she and her fellow protestors planned to continue this cycle of protesting until things resolved themselves one way or another.


theonion--2020-04-21--10 Sandwiches That Look Like British Novelist Martin Amis

This one takes a little while , but if you stare at this Italian combo footlong with hot peppers and @ @ @ @ @ almost looks a little like Martin Amis right after he wrote the 1995 bestseller The @ @

This one takes a little while, but if you stare at this Italian combo footlong with hot peppers and provolone long enough, it almost looks a little like Martin Amis right after he wrote the 1995 bestseller The Information.


theonion--2020-04-21--Man Reminds Self Woman On Chiquita Banana Sticker Only Smiling At Him Because That’s Her Job

LITTLE ROCK , AR—Putting a stop to things before he got carried away with any fanciful notions that she was @ @ @ @ @ John Minas reportedly reminded himself Monday that the woman on the Chiquita banana sticker was @ @ @ @ @ that was her job .
“ Man , I always fall for it , ” @ @ @ @ @ mascot , explaining how he thought for a moment she might be attracted to him @ @ @ @ @ consistently maintained a friendly disposition toward customers in order to help sell bananas .
“ @ @ @ @ @ me—she smiles at everyone !
Seriously , who was I even kidding ?
What would @ @ @ @ @ like Miss Chiquita even want with a guy like me ?
” Minas went on @ @ @ @ @ woman on the Sun-Maid raisin box , however , was flirting shamelessly with him and @ @ @ @ @ get in my pants for a long time .
”

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Putting a stop to things before he got carried away with any fanciful notions that she was into him, local man John Minas reportedly reminded himself Monday that the woman on the Chiquita banana sticker was only smiling at him because that was her job. “Man, I always fall for it,” Minas said of the fruit-hat-wearing mascot, explaining how he thought for a moment she might be attracted to him before he remembered that she consistently maintained a friendly disposition toward customers in order to help sell bananas. “Of course she smiled at me—she smiles at everyone! Seriously, who was I even kidding? What would an amazing, beautiful woman like Miss Chiquita even want with a guy like me?” Minas went on to tell reporters that the woman on the Sun-Maid raisin box, however, was flirting shamelessly with him and had been “wanting to get in my pants for a long time.”


theonion--2020-04-21--Your Horoscopes — Week Of April 21, 2020

You thought you had finally done something strikingly new and original , but it turns out that thousands of people @ @ @ @ @ there the exact same way you did .

Sagittarius | Nov. 22 to Dec. 21
You thought you had finally done something strikingly new and original, but it turns out that thousands of people already in the afterlife got there the exact same way you did.


theonion--2020-04-21--Russians Withdrew $13.6 Billion From ATMs Amidst Coronavirus Fears

Russian citizens have taken out nearly $ 13.6 billion in cash from bank accounts since mid-March , more than the @ @ @ @ @ of 2019 , due to concerns they will not be able to access their money @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ Well , you don ’ t want your cash catching Covid-19 @ @ @ @ @ to go visit it.
” “ I ’ ll keep my $ 13.6 billion safely @ @ @ @ @ you very much.
” “ It ’ s always a good idea to keep a @ @ @ @ @ in case a global pandemic restricts access to your funds .
”

Russian citizens have taken out nearly $13.6 billion in cash from bank accounts since mid-March, more than the total amount withdrawn during all of 2019, due to concerns they will not be able to access their money during quarantine. What do you think?
“Well, you don’t want your cash catching Covid-19 and then not be able to go visit it.” Trina Dewberry • Tennis Racket Stringer
“I’ll keep my $13.6 billion safely where it is, thank you very much.” Joseph Swisher • Prom Chaperone
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theonion--2020-04-21--Nation Close To Getting Video Conferencing Software To Work

Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another .
Today , hear how more Americans are making @ @ @ @ @ with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Social distancing is changing the way we communicate with one another. Today, hear how more Americans are making an effort to stay connected with loved ones and colleagues through shitty video conferencing software that just won’t fucking work.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-22--Rob Gronkowski Hoping Bucs Trade For Tom Brady Too

TAMPA , FL—Expressing confidence that once again playing with the all-time great would make his new team a sure-fire Super @ @ @ @ @ tight end Rob Gronkowski told sources Wednesday that he was hoping the Buccaneers trade for @ @ @ @ @ “ I got ta go down to Tampa ’ s front office and ask coach @ @ @ @ @ can get Tommy on the squad , ” said Gronkowski , who claimed his agent @ @ @ @ @ a “ great idea ” and that he was “ 100 % confident , ” @ @ @ @ @ “ I know it ’ s been a decade since I played , but I @ @ @ @ @ , and having Tom by my side would really help .
We would be great @ @ @ @ @ me again .
And I bet Tom and Gazelle would love living in Georgia , @ @ @ @ @ , Gronkowski was asking the team about the possibility of putting together a truly unstoppable @ @ @ @ @ Hernandez .

TAMPA, FL—Expressing confidence that once again playing with the all-time great would make his new team a sure-fire Super Bowl contender, former Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski told sources Wednesday that he was hoping the Buccaneers trade for Tom Brady as well. “I gotta go down to Tampa’s front office and ask coach Belichick to see if we can get Tommy on the squad,” said Gronkowski, who claimed his agent had told him it was a “great idea” and that he was “100% confident,” it would happen soon. “I know it’s been a decade since I played, but I still think I can compete, and having Tom by my side would really help. We would be great with him taking hand-offs from me again. And I bet Tom and Gazelle would love living in Georgia, too.” At press time, Gronkowski was asking the team about the possibility of putting together a truly unstoppable offense by also acquiring Aaron Hernandez.


theonion--2020-04-22--Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To

Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive

NEW HAVEN , CT—Admitting that a highly contagious , deadly pandemic had done little to stoke his creativity , local man Michael Ayers confided to reporters Wednesday that he wasn ’ t sure why he had imagined the most stressful situation he had ever experienced would be the thing that finally made him more productive .
“ Despite my high hopes , the most devastating crisis of my life hasn ’ t turned out to be the catalyst I needed to meet all of my long-held personal goals , ” said Ayers , who added that he had no idea @ @ @ @ @ @ @ himself that being furloughed from his job and enduring a sustained period of emotional isolation would be just what he needed to start eating better , acquaint himself with world cinema , and get a jumpstart on the novel he had always wanted write .
“ For some reason I took a look at an economic catastrophe that may soon rival the Great Depression and said , ‘ Oh great , now I ’ ll have the energy and the space I need to focus on my creative side.
’ But I guess @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the knowledge that people all around me are dying wasn ’ t the stimulus I needed after all.
” At press time , Ayers had reportedly decided that , going forward , he would instead focus all his time and attention on feeling guilty about his lack of productivity .

NEW HAVEN, CT—Admitting that a highly contagious, deadly pandemic had done little to stoke his creativity, local man Michael Ayers confided to reporters Wednesday that he wasn’t sure why he had imagined the most stressful situation he had ever experienced would be the thing that finally made him more productive. “Despite my high hopes, the most devastating crisis of my life hasn’t turned out to be the catalyst I needed to meet all of my long-held personal goals,” said Ayers, who added that he had no idea what he was thinking when he told himself that being furloughed from his job and enduring a sustained period of emotional isolation would be just what he needed to start eating better, acquaint himself with world cinema, and get a jumpstart on the novel he had always wanted write. “For some reason I took a look at an economic catastrophe that may soon rival the Great Depression and said, ‘Oh great, now I’ll have the energy and the space I need to focus on my creative side.’ But I guess living with ever-present, crushing uncertainty and the knowledge that people all around me are dying wasn’t the stimulus I needed after all.” At press time, Ayers had reportedly decided that, going forward, he would instead focus all his time and attention on feeling guilty about his lack of productivity.


theonion--2020-04-22--Nancy Pelosi Assures Democratic Reps They Don’t Need To Try Being Productive During Stressful Pandem

Nancy Pelosi Assures Democratic Reps They Don’t Need To Try Being Productive During Stressful Pandemic

WASHINGTON—Encouraging lawmakers to avoid holding themselves to the impossible standard of protecting Americans , Speaker Nancy Pelosi ( D-CA ) assured Democratic House representatives Wednesday they don ’ t need to try being productive during the stressful pandemic .
“ These uncertain times are difficult for everyone , so don ’ t feel like you need to push yourself to constantly come up with detailed plans to avert a new depression , ” said Pelosi , insisting that House Democrats should tune out the nagging voice of constituents pressuring them to ease mass suffering by enacting essential social safety measures @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Don ’ t create a bunch of tension in your life by attempting to secure aid to unemployed Americans struggling to pay for basic necessities .
Supporting workers is not going to happen anyway , so don ’ t get all stressed .
Look , this is not the time to beat yourself up over whether you ’ re doing enough to prevent a cataclysmic economic decline .
Take a breather .
Sometimes it ’ s better to just plop down on the couch and watch movies all day.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ @ @ plenty of time to work on enacting legislation after the pandemic was finished cratering every aspect of American life .

WASHINGTON—Encouraging lawmakers to avoid holding themselves to the impossible standard of protecting Americans, Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) assured Democratic House representatives Wednesday they don’t need to try being productive during the stressful pandemic. “These uncertain times are difficult for everyone, so don’t feel like you need to push yourself to constantly come up with detailed plans to avert a new depression,” said Pelosi, insisting that House Democrats should tune out the nagging voice of constituents pressuring them to ease mass suffering by enacting essential social safety measures before it’s too late. “Don’t create a bunch of tension in your life by attempting to secure aid to unemployed Americans struggling to pay for basic necessities. Supporting workers is not going to happen anyway, so don’t get all stressed. Look, this is not the time to beat yourself up over whether you’re doing enough to prevent a cataclysmic economic decline. Take a breather. Sometimes it’s better to just plop down on the couch and watch movies all day.” At press time, Pelosi emphasized there would be plenty of time to work on enacting legislation after the pandemic was finished cratering every aspect of American life.


theonion--2020-04-22--Germany Cancels Oktoberfest Due To Coronavirus Fears

German officials announced that Oktoberfest , the annual two-week celebration that brings over 6 million revelers to Munich each fall @ @ @ @ @ to concerns over the coronavirus spreading through the festival ’ s densely packed beer tents @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ Obviously , the first concern of O ktoberfest has always been its attendees @ @ @ @ @ ’ s depressing how many events I never would have gone to anyway are getting @ @ @ @ @ , now I ’ ll have nothing to do on vacation except soak up Germany @ @ @ @ @ , and history .
”

German officials announced that Oktoberfest, the annual two-week celebration that brings over 6 million revelers to Munich each fall, has been canceled due to concerns over the coronavirus spreading through the festival’s densely packed beer tents. What do you think?
“Obviously, the first concern of O ktoberfest has always been its attendees’ health.” Cindy Fontaine • Unemployed
“It’s depressing how many events I never would have gone to anyway are getting canceled.” Jack Crespo • Truck Electrician
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theonion--2020-04-22--Silver Lining: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Been Delayed Indefinitely But The ‘Q*bert 50th Anniversary Col

Silver Lining: ‘The Last Of Us 2’ Has Been Delayed Indefinitely But The ‘Q*bert 50th Anniversary Collection’ Just Released 12 Years Early

There ’ s no getting around the fact that it ’ s been a heartbreaking few months for fans of Naughty Dog ’ s ultra-popular The Last of Us franchise .
Already pushed back from its initial May 29 release date , the developer recently confirmed that Part II of the series would receive an indefinite delay due to the ongoing pandemic .
But , buck up , gamers !
There ’ s always a silver lining to the darkest rain clouds , and that ’ s definitely true today because Gottlieb just released the Q*bert 50th Anniversary Collection—a whopping @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
So keep things in perspective , readers !
We might have just lucked out , big time .
Sure , we were all dying to dive into the next chapter of Joel and Ellie ’ s story , but thanks to this scheduling change , we ’ re about to enjoy hundreds or even thousands of hours of Q*bert ’ s signature cube-based platformer gameplay , spanning decades of versions since its original 1982 arcade release , all in one handsome package that costs a mere $ 59.99 .
Plus , this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ahead of schedule ?
Honestly , once you see how crisp the “ @ !
# ?
@ !
” dialogue balloons look coming out of Q*bert ’ s little tubular beak , you ’ ll barely even remember what a Cordycep-infected human looks like !
What ’ s even more amazing is that you would expect a collection celebrating 50 years of Q*bert to come out sometime in 2032 .
That ’ s over two console generations from now !
And while it might be months , or even years , until @ @ @ @ @ @ @ post-apocalyptic gameplay of The Last of Us Part II , Gottlieb ’ s commendable decision to bump up their collection ’ s release to this week means there ’ s finally a little bit of sunshine breaking through these stormy times .
See how that works , gamers ?
You win some , you lose some .
So , instead of looking at what ’ s not here in our hands at this very moment , let ’ s look at what is : dozens of versions of Q*bert in breathtaking , upscaled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ titles here stretches from 1985 ’ s Q*bert ’ s Qubes for the ColecoVision to the unforgettable Q*bert 3 for SNES and everything in between .
Frankly , we ’ re almost glad that The Last of Us Part II was delayed now .
How else would we find the time to really dig into all the hopping , isometric puzzles , and Uggs ?
So , get excited to jump into a near-infinite amount of classic arcade gameplay , gamers , and remember : It ’ s all about balance !

There’s no getting around the fact that it’s been a heartbreaking few months for fans of Naughty Dog’s ultra-popular The Last of Us franchise. Already pushed back from its initial May 29 release date, the developer recently confirmed that Part II of the series would receive an indefinite delay due to the ongoing pandemic. But, buck up, gamers! There’s always a silver lining to the darkest rain clouds, and that’s definitely true today because Gottlieb just released the Q*bert 50th Anniversary Collection—a whopping 12 years ahead of its expected release!
So keep things in perspective, readers! We might have just lucked out, big time.
Sure, we were all dying to dive into the next chapter of Joel and Ellie’s story, but thanks to this scheduling change, we’re about to enjoy hundreds or even thousands of hours of Q*bert’s signature cube-based platformer gameplay, spanning decades of versions since its original 1982 arcade release, all in one handsome package that costs a mere $59.99. Plus, this thing is coming out over a decade ahead of schedule? Honestly, once you see how crisp the “@!#?@!” dialogue balloons look coming out of Q*bert’s little tubular beak, you’ll barely even remember what a Cordycep-infected human looks like!
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What’s even more amazing is that you would expect a collection celebrating 50 years of Q*bert to come out sometime in 2032. That’s over two console generations from now! And while it might be months, or even years, until we get our hands on the mind-blowing post-apocalyptic gameplay of The Last of Us Part II, Gottlieb’s commendable decision to bump up their collection’s release to this week means there’s finally a little bit of sunshine breaking through these stormy times.
See how that works, gamers? You win some, you lose some.
So, instead of looking at what’s not here in our hands at this very moment, let’s look at what is: dozens of versions of Q*bert in breathtaking, upscaled 4K rendering. The incredible range of titles here stretches from 1985’s Q*bert’s Qubes for the ColecoVision to the unforgettable Q*bert 3 for SNES and everything in between. Frankly, we’re almost glad that The Last of Us Part II was delayed now. How else would we find the time to really dig into all the hopping, isometric puzzles, and Uggs?
Advertisement Advertisement
So, get excited to jump into a near-infinite amount of classic arcade gameplay, gamers, and remember: It’s all about balance!


theonion--2020-04-22--7 Most Unbelievable Autocorrect WINS

7 Most Unbelievable Autocorrect WINS

Hmm .
Next time , this person should try disabling autocorrect if they want to write something incorrectly .

Hmm. Next time, this person should try disabling autocorrect if they want to write something incorrectly.


theonion--2020-04-22--Report: Amazon Using Heat-Sensing Alien Hunters To Track Workers Attempting To Unionize

SEATTLE—Shedding new light on the corporation ’ s aggressive labor practices , a new report released Wednesday found that Amazon is using heat-sensing alien hunters to track workers attempting to unionize .
“ We care deeply about the future of our company , which is why we ’ ve deployed an extraterrestrial species to warehouses and Whole Foods stores that we believe are at high risk of unionization , ” read the report in part , quoting insider sources at Amazon who explained that while the move may be seen as controversial , there ’ s no law preventing a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interstellar assassins .
“ We were very impressed when we sat down with these alien hunters .
With their work ethic and affinity for cutting-edge technology like wristblades and plasmacasters , we think they ’ ll make an excellent fit at Amazon .
They ’ ve already proven to be great at quickly climbing across stacks of pallets or scurrying along the tops of grocery aisles to spy on and shoot any employees who discuss improving their working conditions .
Oh , and we ’ d like to remind employees that using mud @ @ @ @ @ @ @ violation of company policy.
” At press time , the effort was suspended after several heat-sensing alien hunters collapsed in an Amazon warehouse from exhaustion .

SEATTLE—Shedding new light on the corporation’s aggressive labor practices, a new report released Wednesday found that Amazon is using heat-sensing alien hunters to track workers attempting to unionize. “We care deeply about the future of our company, which is why we’ve deployed an extraterrestrial species to warehouses and Whole Foods stores that we believe are at high risk of unionization,” read the report in part, quoting insider sources at Amazon who explained that while the move may be seen as controversial, there’s no law preventing a corporation from stalking their own employees with interstellar assassins. “We were very impressed when we sat down with these alien hunters. With their work ethic and affinity for cutting-edge technology like wristblades and plasmacasters, we think they’ll make an excellent fit at Amazon. They’ve already proven to be great at quickly climbing across stacks of pallets or scurrying along the tops of grocery aisles to spy on and shoot any employees who discuss improving their working conditions. Oh, and we’d like to remind employees that using mud to disguise your heat signature is a violation of company policy.” At press time, the effort was suspended after several heat-sensing alien hunters collapsed in an Amazon warehouse from exhaustion.


theonion--2020-04-22--How To Fix America’s Protective Equipment Shortage

Across the United States , a shortage of personal protective equipment such as masks and gloves has made medical care @ @ @ @ @ risk of coronavirus transmission .
The Onion presents suggestions for fixing America ’ s PPE @ @ @ @ @ cushions for any PPE that might have fallen down there .
Shove some plastic in @ @ @ @ @ comes out over your face .
Have CDC convince businesses that long-term demand for medical @ @ @ @ @ pledging to release a new devastating virus every two years .
Save gloves by having @ @ @ @ @ one-handed .
Wait little longer to see if problem fixes itself .

Across the United States, a shortage of personal protective equipment such as masks and gloves has made medical care more difficult and raised the risk of coronavirus transmission. The Onion presents suggestions for fixing America’s PPE shortage.
Check under couch cushions for any PPE that might have fallen down there.
Shove some plastic in 3D printers and wear whatever comes out over your face.
Check Amazon. Again.
Have CDC convince businesses that long-term demand for medical equipment will remain high by pledging to release a new devastating virus every two years.
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Save gloves by having doctors perform all medical procedures one-handed.
Quickly undo decades of work dismantling American manufacturing sector.
Demand Build-A-Bear factory start pulling its fucking weight.
Switch on big red “TURBO” button to produce faster.
Humble nation before more competent world governments.
Wait little longer to see if problem fixes itself.


theonion--2020-04-22--Psychologists: So-Called ‘Dr. Fauci’ Just A Figment Of Nation’s Collective Imagination

He ’ s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ nation ’ s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than @ @ @ @ @ made up to get through this stressful period .
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

He’s the man the country has turned to most as a trusted and comforting voice during the coronavirus pandemic. However, the nation’s top psychologists now believe Dr. Anthony Fauci may be nothing more than an imaginary friend Americans have made up to get through this stressful period.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-22--2020 Lyrid Meteor Shower Peaks This Week

The Lyrid meteor shower , an annual display of comet debris vaporizing in the Earth ’ s atmosphere , will @ @ @ @ @ as the start of a new lunar cycle means the night sky will be darker @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ No thanks .
Looking at the sun is all the excitement @ @ @ @ @ offense to the meteors but we ’ re kind of swamped down here right now.
@ @ @ @ @ !
I ’ m also planning to be especially vibrant this year .
”

The Lyrid meteor shower, an annual display of comet debris vaporizing in the Earth’s atmosphere, will be especially vibrant this year as the start of a new lunar cycle means the night sky will be darker than normal. What do you think?
“No thanks. Looking at the sun is all the excitement I need.” Mason Lubicich • Restraining Order Enforcer
“No offense to the meteors but we’re kind of swamped down here right now.” Blake DeFoor • Stereo Tuner
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theonion--2020-04-23--89-Year-Old Football Fan Still Finds It Surreal That Draftees Are Younger Than Him

BOCA RATON , FL—Shaking his head and admitting he has had the same feeling every draft for the past 60 years , 89-year-old football fan Ernest Allen confirmed Thursday that he still finds it surreal that NFL draftees are younger than him .
“ When I looked at this Chase Young fella , I still just kind of assume we ’ re the same age , ” said the octogenarian fan , who recalled his surprise when the Cowboys selected Troy Aikman in the 1989 Draft and he realized the quarterback was actually 36 years younger than him .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 21 , but then I remember I graduated from college in ’ 52 so I must be older than them .
It made me realize I ’ m not a spring chicken when I saw someone younger than my great-grandchild get drafted by the Jets .
When I watch these games , I still feel like I could get out there and run around with these guys , no problem , at least if I could still stand up without this walker.
” At press time , Allen let out a deep sigh @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after his wife died .

BOCA RATON, FL—Shaking his head and admitting he has had the same feeling every draft for the past 60 years, 89-year-old football fan Ernest Allen confirmed Thursday that he still finds it surreal that NFL draftees are younger than him. “When I looked at this Chase Young fella, I still just kind of assume we’re the same age,” said the octogenarian fan, who recalled his surprise when the Cowboys selected Troy Aikman in the 1989 Draft and he realized the quarterback was actually 36 years younger than him. “These players certainly don’t look 21, but then I remember I graduated from college in ’52 so I must be older than them. It made me realize I’m not a spring chicken when I saw someone younger than my great-grandchild get drafted by the Jets. When I watch these games, I still feel like I could get out there and run around with these guys, no problem, at least if I could still stand up without this walker.” At press time, Allen let out a deep sigh after learning a draft prospect was born after his wife died.


theonion--2020-04-23--Potentially Promising Covid-19 Vaccine Hits Roadblock After Testing Reveals It’s Just Shotgun

NEW BRUNSWICK , NJ—In a major setback to efforts to combat the relentless global pandemic , a potential Covid-19 vaccine from a major pharmaceutical giant reportedly hit a snag Thursday after extensive tests confirmed the once-promising method of inoculation was actually just a shotgun .
“ Despite very encouraging trials in which every subject who received the vaccine developed complete immunity to the novel coronavirus , further study has revealed several serious side effects , among them the fact that 100 % of these participants also had their heads blown clean off , ” said Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prevented the virus from infecting any of the brain tissue or blood that was found splattered on laboratory walls , but that researchers later discovered the immunization agent had merely been a 20-gauge double-barrel shotgun .
“ We don ’ t know for certain if the firearm ’ s discharge is causing this severe brain damage or if the subjects were simply predisposed to such ailments , so further study is required .
But it may turn out this is one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ clinical trials on other possible treatments , such as jumping off bridges and ingesting huge handfuls of tranquilizers.
” In his most recent press briefing , President Trump dismissed the new findings and said Americans had “ nothing to lose ” if they wanted to use shotguns as a preventative measure .

NEW BRUNSWICK, NJ—In a major setback to efforts to combat the relentless global pandemic, a potential Covid-19 vaccine from a major pharmaceutical giant reportedly hit a snag Thursday after extensive tests confirmed the once-promising method of inoculation was actually just a shotgun. “Despite very encouraging trials in which every subject who received the vaccine developed complete immunity to the novel coronavirus, further study has revealed several serious side effects, among them the fact that 100% of these participants also had their heads blown clean off,” said Johnson & Johnson CEO Alex Gorsky, explaining that the vaccine had prevented the virus from infecting any of the brain tissue or blood that was found splattered on laboratory walls, but that researchers later discovered the immunization agent had merely been a 20-gauge double-barrel shotgun. “We don’t know for certain if the firearm’s discharge is causing this severe brain damage or if the subjects were simply predisposed to such ailments, so further study is required. But it may turn out this is one of those cases where the cure is worse than the disease. Fortunately, we will soon begin human clinical trials on other possible treatments, such as jumping off bridges and ingesting huge handfuls of tranquilizers.” In his most recent press briefing, President Trump dismissed the new findings and said Americans had “nothing to lose” if they wanted to use shotguns as a preventative measure.


theonion--2020-04-23--Sales Of Video Game Consoles Up During Pandemic

Sales of the Nintendo Switch more than doubled while PlayStation 4 and Xbox One sales were up 25 % compared @ @ @ @ @ how Americans are turning to video games for entertainment during the pandemic .
What do @ @ @ @ @ they get games ?
The consoles aren ’ t as fun without the games .
@

Sales of the Nintendo Switch more than doubled while PlayStation 4 and Xbox One sales were up 25% compared to last year, highlighting how Americans are turning to video games for entertainment during the pandemic. What do you think?
“Okay fine, I admit it. I p anic-bought a pallet of PS4s.” Hans Ziegler • Podcast Critic
“Did they get games? The consoles aren’t as fun without the games.” Mimi Rivette • Ink Baron
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theonion--2020-04-23--What To Watch While Social Distancing

What To Watch While Social Distancing

The Office : Look , here it is .
You knew it would be here .
We are sure you @ @ @ @ @ whole time , and it ’ s here in the slideshow .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ now here it is .
You see it .
You didn ’ t see it @ @ @ @ @ of this , but now it ’ s here .

The Office: Look, here it is. You knew it would be here. We are sure you were waiting for this the whole time, and it’s here in the slideshow. It’s what you wanted, and now here it is. You see it. You didn’t see it before in the other parts of this, but now it’s here.


Ramadan Begins

Muslims around the world will observe the start of Ramadan today , marking the beginning of a month of fasting @ @ @ @ @ for 1.8 billion people .
What do you think ?
“ I ’ m excited @ @ @ @ @ prayers and reflections all year.
” “ My heart goes out to all my Muslim @ @ @ @ @ majority of this Ramadan helping their parents figure out how to hold Zoom prayers .
@

Muslims around the world will observe the start of Ramadan today, marking the beginning of a month of fasting, reflection, and prayer for 1.8 billion people. What do you think?
“It sucks I can’t celebrate Ramadan at Disney World like I usually do.” Dave Vaziri, Bifocals Advocate
“I’m excited! Been saving up my prayers and reflections all year.” Salma Tarek, Vitamin Designer
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theonion--2020-04-23--Baby Emerges From Game Of Peekaboo Wiser, More Reflective

ANN ARBOR , MI—Contemplating her personal growth as she worked through what she described as a profound , transformative experience , local baby Emma Gibson confirmed Thursday that she had emerged from a game of peekaboo a wiser and more reflective individual .
“ Learning to process these intense and unanticipated feelings of loss and reemergence has fundamentally changed how I view this world and my place in it , ” said Gibson , noting how her awareness of life ’ s ultimate transience took root this morning as she repeatedly watched her father ’ s face vanish , only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I feel as though I ’ ve grieved a death , then another death , then another .
Nothing can be taken for granted in this existence—not when the ones you care about most can disappear and then suddenly reappear at any time .
Who knows , I could be the next one snatched away into the unknown and rudely replaced by a vulgar assemblage of fingers.
” Gibson added that she planned to focus more on personal mindfulness going forward and would attempt to raise her level of consciousness when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her mouth .

ANN ARBOR, MI—Contemplating her personal growth as she worked through what she described as a profound, transformative experience, local baby Emma Gibson confirmed Thursday that she had emerged from a game of peekaboo a wiser and more reflective individual. “Learning to process these intense and unanticipated feelings of loss and reemergence has fundamentally changed how I view this world and my place in it,” said Gibson, noting how her awareness of life’s ultimate transience took root this morning as she repeatedly watched her father’s face vanish, only to materialize again a short moment later. “I feel as though I’ve grieved a death, then another death, then another. Nothing can be taken for granted in this existence—not when the ones you care about most can disappear and then suddenly reappear at any time. Who knows, I could be the next one snatched away into the unknown and rudely replaced by a vulgar assemblage of fingers.” Gibson added that she planned to focus more on personal mindfulness going forward and would attempt to raise her level of consciousness when babbling incoherently and shoving random objects into her mouth.


11 Surefire Signs

Don ’ t say no one warned you , because these are staring you right in the face .

Don’t say no one warned you, because these are staring you right in the face.


theonion--2020-04-23--Top Prospects Of The 2020 NFL Draft

Top Prospects Of The 2020 NFL Draft

Henry Ruggs III ( Alabama ) , WR : Ruggs has electrifying speed , which could make him the next @ @ @ @ @ might be that guy who ’ s fast but sucks at everything else and gets @ @ @ @ @ Who knows ?
We ’ re just guessing here .

Henry Ruggs III (Alabama), WR: Ruggs has electrifying speed, which could make him the next Devin Hester. Or he might be that guy who’s fast but sucks at everything else and gets cut before the season. Who knows? We’re just guessing here.


theonion--2020-04-23--Federal Reserve To Infuse Wall Street With $500 Billion Worth Of Cocaine

Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into @ @ @ @ @ any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Financial experts are counting on the half-trillion-dollar stimulus to turn the roughly 200,000 men and women on Wall Street into coked-up animals eager to buy any stock in sight well into the morning hours without any break for food or water.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-24--‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing

‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing Trump Pouring Ingredients Into Fizzing Concoction

WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions , President Donald Trump reportedly stated “ a dash of soap @ @ @ @ @ sunshine , and just a drop of imagination , ” Friday while pouring ingredients into @ @ @ @ @ Let ’ s shake in a dollop of tickles , an ounce of regret , @ @ @ @ @ , then stir counterclockwise for two shakes of a lamb ’ s tail and we @ @ @ @ @ ” said Trump , clapping his hands with glee as he began pedaling a bicycle @ @ @ @ @ order to fan the flame below the vials .
“ Add sugar , spice , @ @ @ @ @ ’ t forget the amnesia powder !
Then it ’ s simply a matter of @ @ @ @ @ taste , drizzling with a healthy dose of dream reduction , and voila !
My @ @ @ @ @ be complete !
” At press time , the president was reportedly coughing up black @ @ @ @ @ the White House .

WASHINGTON—Darting between dozens of beakers filled with colorful solutions, President Donald Trump reportedly stated “a dash of soap bubbles, two pinches of sunshine, and just a drop of imagination,” Friday while pouring ingredients into a fizzing concoction. “Let’s shake in a dollop of tickles, an ounce of regret, and a single shooting star, then stir counterclockwise for two shakes of a lamb’s tail and we’re almost there,” said Trump, clapping his hands with glee as he began pedaling a bicycle connected to a bellows in order to fan the flame below the vials. “Add sugar, spice, and everything nice. Don’t forget the amnesia powder! Then it’s simply a matter of sprinkling dewdrops and moonbeams to taste, drizzling with a healthy dose of dream reduction, and voila! My splendiferous, fantabulous amalgamation will be complete!” At press time, the president was reportedly coughing up black smoke after accidentally blowing up the White House.


theonion--2020-04-24--Report: Make It Stop

Report: Make It Stop

Please , Just Make It Stop EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn ’ t stand this bullshit anymore , Americans across @ @ @ @ @ someone , anyone needs to please , just make it stop .
“ Please , @ @ @ @ @ ’ re begging you here , just put an end to it immediately , ” @ @ @ @ @ it had all gone way , way too far and they would do almost anything @ @ @ @ @ minutes of respite .
“ We ’ re on our hands and knees , pleading @ @ @ @ @ all go away once and for all .
What ’ s it going to take @ @ @ @ @ stop it !
Stop it right now !
” At press time , sources confirmed @ @ @ @ @ it was never going to stop .

Please, Just Make It Stop
EVERYWHERE—Claiming that they just couldn’t stand this bullshit anymore, Americans across the country confirmed Friday that someone, anyone needs to please, just make it stop. “Please, please, please, we’re begging you here, just put an end to it immediately,” said sources, noting that it had all gone way, way too far and they would do almost anything for even a few glorious minutes of respite. “We’re on our hands and knees, pleading with you to make it all go away once and for all. What’s it going to take? Jesus Christ, just stop it! Stop it right now!” At press time, sources confirmed that they knew deep down it was never going to stop.


theonion--2020-04-24--Hubble Space Telescope Celebrates 30 Years In Space

The Hubble Space Telescope , which revolutionized humanity ’ s ability to see the cosmos , was launched on this @ @ @ @ @ space shuttle Discovery .
What do you think ?
“ To think , 30 years @ @ @ @ @ even know there was a universe.
” “ The Hubble has brought us some amazing @ @ @ @ @ some that were just okay.
” “ Here ’ s to another three decades of @ @ @ @ @ there , remembering , then forgetting again !
”

The Hubble Space Telescope, which revolutionized humanity’s ability to see the cosmos, was launched on this day in 1990 aboard the space shuttle Discovery. What do you think?
“To think, 30 years ago we didn’t even know there was a universe.” Oz Lapenna • Substitute Point Guard
“The Hubble has brought us some amazing images of the cosmos and some that were just okay.” Taylor Munn • Firework Bundler
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theonion--2020-04-24--Effects Of Trump Halting Immigration

Effects Of Trump Halting Immigration

As the coronavirus pandemic continues , President Trump on Wednesday signed an order halting all immigration to the United States @ @ @ @ @ decision with significant ethical and economic ramifications .
The Onion looks at the effects of @ @ @ @ @ of Liberty to become additional 25 % more cruelly ironic .
Protects nation from any @ @ @ @ @ .
Country will struggle to adjust to entirely crime-free society for next 60 days .
@ @ @ @ @ to properly introduce selves to those who ’ ve already immigrated .
Exemption for guest @ @ @ @ @ s reputation as a safe haven for gratuitous labor exploitation won ’ t be tarnished @ @ @ @ @ Eddie Murphy ’ s Coming To America would never happen today .
U.S. citizens get @ @ @ @ @ system hasn ’ t at all prepared them for .
Might force symbolic U.S. government @ @ @ @ @

As the coronavirus pandemic continues, President Trump on Wednesday signed an order halting all immigration to the United States for 60 days, a decision with significant ethical and economic ramifications. The Onion looks at the effects of Trump halting immigration.
Statue of Liberty to become additional 25% more cruelly ironic.
Protects nation from any harmful skills immigrants might bring.
Country will struggle to adjust to entirely crime-free society for next 60 days.
Americans will finally have time to properly introduce selves to those who’ve already immigrated.
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Exemption for guest worker visas ensures America’s reputation as a safe haven for gratuitous labor exploitation won’t be tarnished.
Nation realizing plot of Eddie Murphy’s Coming To America would never happen today.
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U.S. citizens get first shot at jobs education system hasn’t at all prepared them for.
Might force symbolic U.S. government apology in 50 years.


theonion--2020-04-24--Report: Majority Of Knocks At Study Door Occur At Precise Moment Finishing Touch Being Put On Delica

Report: Majority Of Knocks At Study Door Occur At Precise Moment Finishing Touch Being Put On Delicate Scale Model

EVANSTON , IL—A new report published Friday by researchers at Northwestern University revealed that the majority of knocks at the study door occur at the exact moment the finishing touch is being put on a delicate scale model .
“ We discovered that 90 % of all knocks occur precisely when the occupant is using a pair of tweezers to methodically place the final rigging of a tiny mizzenmast , ” read the report , noting that whether the study occupant was assembling a HMS Victory 1:48 or a custom replica Empire State Building , the phenomenon usually transpired after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which a bead of sweat is just beginning to form on their foreheads .
“ Another 7 % of sudden raps on oaken doors come as the final sheen of lacquer is being applied to a model White House ’ s siding .
Our data revealed that probability of unanticipated knocking doubled in cases in which the builder was wearing a smoking jacket .
In rare instances , rather than a knock , we observed a buzzer that literally shakes one ’ s study.
” Researchers added that a secondary study would be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ delicate scale models collapse .

EVANSTON, IL—A new report published Friday by researchers at Northwestern University revealed that the majority of knocks at the study door occur at the exact moment the finishing touch is being put on a delicate scale model. “We discovered that 90% of all knocks occur precisely when the occupant is using a pair of tweezers to methodically place the final rigging of a tiny mizzenmast,” read the report, noting that whether the study occupant was assembling a HMS Victory 1:48 or a custom replica Empire State Building, the phenomenon usually transpired after hours of prolonged, silent concentration in which a bead of sweat is just beginning to form on their foreheads. “Another 7% of sudden raps on oaken doors come as the final sheen of lacquer is being applied to a model White House’s siding. Our data revealed that probability of unanticipated knocking doubled in cases in which the builder was wearing a smoking jacket. In rare instances, rather than a knock, we observed a buzzer that literally shakes one’s study.” Researchers added that a secondary study would be needed to confirm the precise moment that delicate scale models collapse.


theonion--2020-04-24--Everything You Need To Know About ‘Valorant’

For fans of Overwatch or Counter-Strike : Global Offensive , Riot Games ’ Valorant represents the game to beat in 2020 .
A tactical shooter with incredible 5v5 team-based dynamics , the title also has exactly the sort of sharp learning curve we ’ ve come to expect from the genre .
So , read on and dig into OGN ’ s definitive guide on what you need to know before you boot up the game ’ s beta .
Before you dive into the gameplay , you ’ ll be required to choose from one of 10 agents to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Nick , Kevin , Brian , JC , Chris , Joey , Lance , and Justin .
At the end of each round , you can alter your weaponry ’ s skin by using Valorant Points , which can be easily purchased by swiping your parent ’ s credit card when they aren ’ t looking and buying as many as you can before they send you off to boarding school again .
Accept the human instinct to kill .
Yes , our soft , coddled modern lives have made it unsavory @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But success in Valorant depends on reconnecting with that atrophied lust for the blood of one ’ s enemies .
Let the raw , animal rage wash over you and watch the Creds pile up !
Like most tactical shooters , Valorant ’ s maps will take place in a seemingly three-dimensional world defined by Newtonian physics .
Gamers from similarly governed universes will come in with a distinct advantage .
The gameplay itself is based on two teams of five battling it out—a clear nod to the 2004 NBA Finals between @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lakers that only true fans will appreciate .
In a touching tribute to the Polish composer ’ s passing , the only song available on the game ’ s soundtrack is Penderecki ’ s “ Threnody To The Victims Of Hiroshima.
” Playable characters are classified as either Initiators , Controllers , Sentinels , or Dualists .
To find out which is the best fit for your play style , just complete and print out the game ’ s bundled Myers-Briggs or Enneagram personality test and send the results in a postmarked letter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Olympic Blvd.
, Los Angeles , CA 90064

For fans of Overwatch or Counter-Strike: Global Offensive, Riot Games’ Valorant represents the game to beat in 2020. A tactical shooter with incredible 5v5 team-based dynamics, the title also has exactly the sort of sharp learning curve we’ve come to expect from the genre. So, read on and dig into OGN’s definitive guide on what you need to know before you boot up the game’s beta.
Before you dive into the gameplay, you’ll be required to choose from one of 10 agents to play as, including AJ, Howie, Nick, Kevin, Brian, JC, Chris, Joey, Lance, and Justin.
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At the end of each round, you can alter your weaponry’s skin by using Valorant Points, which can be easily purchased by swiping your parent’s credit card when they aren’t looking and buying as many as you can before they send you off to boarding school again.
Accept the human instinct to kill. Yes, our soft, coddled modern lives have made it unsavory to oblige our natural desire to hunt. But success in Valorant depends on reconnecting with that atrophied lust for the blood of one’s enemies. Let the raw, animal rage wash over you and watch the Creds pile up!
Advertisement Advertisement
Like most tactical shooters, Valorant’s maps will take place in a seemingly three-dimensional world defined by Newtonian physics. Gamers from similarly governed universes will come in with a distinct advantage.
The gameplay itself is based on two teams of five battling it out—a clear nod to the 2004 NBA Finals between the Detroit Pistons and the Los Angeles Lakers that only true fans will appreciate.
Advertisement
In a touching tribute to the Polish composer’s passing, the only song available on the game’s soundtrack is Penderecki’s “Threnody To The Victims Of Hiroshima.”
Playable characters are classified as either Initiators, Controllers, Sentinels, or Due lists. To find out which is the best fit for your play style, just complete and print out the game’s bundled Myers-Briggs or Enneagram personality test and send the results in a postmarked letter to Riot Games Inc., 12333 W. Olympic Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90064


theonion--2020-04-24--Nation Ashamed To Admit They Would Probably Look Up John Goodman’s Nudes If They Leaked

With social distancing in full effect , a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating @ @ @ @ @ nude body looks like .
Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over @ @ @ @ @ truly know of the contours of the A-list actor ’ s flesh .
You can @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

With social distancing in full effect, a new poll finds that millions of Americans are spending more time contemplating what John Goodman’s nude body looks like. Hear how people are dealing with the lingering questions over whether they’ll ever truly know of the contours of the A-list actor’s flesh.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-04-24--Missouri Sues China Over Coronavirus Pandemic

The state of Missouri is suing the Chinese government over its handling of the coronavirus , claiming residents and businesses @ @ @ @ @ dollars in damages and accusing the Communist Party of making the pandemic worse by hoarding @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ This co uld really hurt the Chinese Communist Party ’ s chances @ @ @ @ @ elections.
” “ The good news is that if China doesn ’ t show up @ @ @ @ @ by default .
”

The state of Missouri is suing the Chinese government over its handling of the coronavirus, claiming residents and businesses suffered tens of billions of dollars in damages and accusing the Communist Party of making the pandemic worse by hoarding masks. What do you think?
“This co uld really hurt the Chinese Communist Party’s chances in the next Missouri state elections.” Andy Wu • Turtle Immunologist
“The good news is that if China doesn’t show up to court, Missouri wins by default.” Joelle Faxon • Peach Canner
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theonion--2020-04-26--Millions Of ‘Last Dance’ Viewers Hooked By Thrilling Benny The Bull Paternity Suit Story

WASHINGTON—Pulling in sports fans with its lurid , never-before-seen footage of the ’ 97- ’ 98 Bulls behind-the-scenes drama , viewers of The Last Dance docuseries flocked to social media Sunday to admit they were hooked by the thrilling Benny The Bull paternity suit storyline .
“ He had the full support of the team , but we all noticed the accusations affected his performance on the trampoline , ” said Bulls center Luc Longley of the docu-series episode that fans and critics are calling “ captivating , ” and which included a difficult-to-watch scene in which Benny receives the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the locker room in frustration .
“ I remember the child ’ s mother just screaming at Benny right before Game 3 of that Pacers series .
He ’ s grown up a lot since then and has family now , but I ’ ll never forget watching him storm out of a courtroom and call her a gold digger .
Eventually , [ Scottie ] Pippen sat him down and told him he needed to do right by his son.
” At press time , viewers were stunned by the “ bombshell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his son ’ s name from Benny to Marcus after the mascot slept with his then-girlfriend .

WASHINGTON—Pulling in sports fans with its lurid, never-before-seen footage of the ’97-’98 Bulls behind-the-scenes drama, viewers of The Last Dance docuseries flocked to social media Sunday to admit they were hooked by the thrilling Benny The Bull paternity suit storyline. “He had the full support of the team, but we all noticed the accusations affected his performance on the trampoline,” said Bulls center Luc Longley of the docu-series episode that fans and critics are calling “captivating,” and which included a difficult-to-watch scene in which Benny receives the results of a DNA test and destroys the locker room in frustration. “I remember the child’s mother just screaming at Benny right before Game 3 of that Pacers series. He’s grown up a lot since then and has family now, but I’ll never forget watching him storm out of a courtroom and call her a gold digger. Eventually, [Scottie] Pippen sat him down and told him he needed to do right by his son.” At press time, viewers were stunned by the “bombshell” revelation that Michael Jordan legally changed his son’s name from Benny to Marcus after the mascot slept with his then-girlfriend.


theonion--2020-04-27--Trump Accuses New York Of Padding State’s Mortality Rate By Including African American Deaths

WASHINGTON—Dismissing the statistics as “ totally overblown , ” President Donald Trump publicly accused New York health officials Monday of inflating the state ’ s Covid-19 mortality rate by including African Americans in their calculations of the total dead .
“ It ’ s very unfair if you start adding in a bunch of people who died of the virus but were also very clearly black , ” said Trump , who pointed to Texas , with its incomplete data-gathering and low rates of testing in minority communities , as a model other states should emulate .
“ Obviously , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s going to throw off your estimates of how bad this thing is .
We ’ re doing a fantastic job containing the virus , but sadly some governors are stooping so low as to fake their numbers—not only with blacks , but with people born in other countries , too .
You got ta ask whether they ’ re just doing this to try and make me look bad.
” The president went on to demand that New York Gov .
Andrew Cuomo personally apologize to him for harboring African Americans to @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Dismissing the statistics as “totally overblown,” President Donald Trump publicly accused New York health officials Monday of inflating the state’s Covid-19 mortality rate by including African Americans in their calculations of the total dead. “It’s very unfair if you start adding in a bunch of people who died of the virus but were also very clearly black,” said Trump, who pointed to Texas, with its incomplete data-gathering and low rates of testing in minority communities, as a model other states should emulate. “Obviously, if you count blacks, it’s going to throw off your estimates of how bad this thing is. We’re doing a fantastic job containing the virus, but sadly some governors are stooping so low as to fake their numbers—not only with blacks, but with people born in other countries, too. You gotta ask whether they’re just doing this to try and make me look bad.” The president went on to demand that New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo personally apologize to him for harboring African Americans to begin with.