theonion--2020-03-16--Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To

Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death

CHICAGO—In an effort to appear calm Monday in the face of widespread Covid-19 outbreaks , area woman Ellen Garcia sought to initiate a casual conversation in a long line at her local supermarket as though she were not , at that very moment , desperately attempting to escape the icy clutches of death .
“ This whole thing ’ s pretty crazy , huh ?
” said Garcia , as if the bleak specter of the eternal grave were not looming before her as she placed 16 cans of black beans on the conveyor belt and forced herself to release @ @ @ @ @ @ @ store ’ s last pack of Clorox wipes so the cashier could scan it .
“ I wouldn ’ t usually buy all these boxes of instant mashed potatoes , but I guess it ’ s good to stock up on a few things that will keep , just in case .
They say the important thing is to not panic.
” After a person behind her in line covered their mouth to cough , Garcia reportedly grabbed as many of her items as she could , left her credit card behind , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ car , where she hoped a generous application of Purell would keep her one step ahead of the Grim Reaper .

CHICAGO—In an effort to appear calm Monday in the face of widespread Covid-19 outbreaks, area woman Ellen Garcia sought to initiate a casual conversation in a long line at her local supermarket as though she were not, at that very moment, desperately attempting to escape the icy clutches of death. “This whole thing’s pretty crazy, huh?” said Garcia, as if the bleak specter of the eternal grave were not looming before her as she placed 16 cans of black beans on the conveyor belt and forced herself to release her tight, sweaty grip on the store’s last pack of Clorox wipes so the cashier could scan it. “I wouldn’t usually buy all these boxes of instant mashed potatoes, but I guess it’s good to stock up on a few things that will keep, just in case. They say the important thing is to not panic.” After a person behind her in line covered their mouth to cough, Garcia reportedly grabbed as many of her items as she could, left her credit card behind, and made a mad dash to her car, where she hoped a generous application of Purell would keep her one step ahead of the Grim Reaper.


theonion--2020-03-16--Americans Urged To Help ‘Flatten The Curve’ Of Covid-19 Pandemic

As schools , stores , and restaurants close their doors and companies push to have employees work from home , @ @ @ @ @ socially distance themselves to stop the exponential spread of coronavirus .
What are you doing @ @ @ @ @ “ Constantly keeping my mouth open to keep my lips from touching each other .
@

As schools, stores, and restaurants close their doors and companies push to have employees work from home, Americans are being asked to socially distance themselves to stop the exponential spread of coronavirus. What are you doing to help #FlattenTheCurve?
“I’m being extra mindful of whose spit I inhale.” Tom Wright • Bird Critic
“Been practicing my barricading skills.” Robyn Townsend • Toothpaste Capper
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theonion--2020-03-16--Outbreaks In Victorian England Confirm Coronavirus Capable Of Spreading Through Time

The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has @ @ @ @ @ The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the @ @ @ @ @ App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL @ @ @ @ @ you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a @ @ @ @ @ issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

The World Health Organization is issuing new warnings today following reports that an 8-year-old chimney sweep in 1860s London has tested positive for Covid-19.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-16--Biden, Sanders Go Head-To-Head In Debate

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders took the stage last night in the first one-on-one debate of the Democratic presidential primary @ @ @ @ @ concerns there was no live audience and the podiums were kept six feet apart .
@ @ @ @ @ “ They still want to become president with everything going on in the world right @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll be nice once the coronavirus scare is over and they can go back @ @ @ @ @ touching.
” “ I was impressed with both of their abilities to live this long @ @

Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders took the stage last night in the first one-on-one debate of the Democratic presidential primary, though due to coronavirus concerns there was no live audience and the podiums were kept six feet apart. What do you think?
“They still want to become president with everything going on in the world right now?” Cedrick Gass • Monastery Attendant
“It’ll be nice once the coronavirus scare is over and they can go back to debating with their noses touching.” Georgeanna Greenfield • Shed Carpenter
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theonion--2020-03-16--Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transiti

Pfizer Pours All Resources Into Developing New Hyper-Depressant Pill To Help Americans Ease Transition Into Self-Quarantining

NEW YORK—Committing to do everything in their power to help fight the spread of Covid-19 , pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced Monday they were pouring all their resources into developing a new hyper-depressant pill to help Americans ease the transition into self-quarantining .
“ We are actively mobilizing our top scientists to engineer a treatment that will make the long days of staying confined to your homes , shuffling from couch to bathroom , feel not like a CDC-mandated burden , but the only task you ’ re physically capable of completing , ” said Pfizer spokesperson Elaine Barnett , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ during the pandemic could cause feelings of frustration , the new hyper-depressant pill would help patients achieve a deep state of melancholy so they could better adjust to sitting around doing absolutely nothing .
“ Within just hours of taking the pill , patients will lose all motivation to get out of bed , eat , pursue and maintain relationships , or hold an interest in the outside world .
Bars and restaurants all across the nation are closing , but with just one serotonin-reducing dose , patients won ’ t want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ positive side effect , patients won ’ t care that there ’ s a global pandemic raging worldwide since we ’ re all staring down the same dull , endless tunnel.
” Barnett revealed that the company was also developing dozens of expensive drugs to help manage the effects of the hyper-depressants .

NEW YORK—Committing to do everything in their power to help fight the spread of Covid-19, pharmaceutical company Pfizer announced Monday they were pouring all their resources into developing a new hyper-depressant pill to help Americans ease the transition into self-quarantining. “We are actively mobilizing our top scientists to engineer a treatment that will make the long days of staying confined to your homes, shuffling from couch to bathroom, feel not like a CDC-mandated burden, but the only task you’re physically capable of completing,” said Pfizer spokesperson Elaine Barnett, who explained that while participating in social distancing during the pandemic could cause feelings of frustration, the new hyper-depressant pill would help patients achieve a deep state of melancholy so they could better adjust to sitting around doing absolutely nothing. “Within just hours of taking the pill, patients will lose all motivation to get out of bed, eat, pursue and maintain relationships, or hold an interest in the outside world. Bars and restaurants all across the nation are closing, but with just one serotonin-reducing dose, patients won’t want to leave home anyway. And as a positive side effect, patients won’t care that there’s a global pandemic raging worldwide since we’re all staring down the same dull, endless tunnel.” Barnett revealed that the company was also developing dozens of expensive drugs to help manage the effects of the hyper-depressants.


theonion--2020-03-16--Porn Industry Leaders Announce Immediate Closure Of All Orifices

LAS VEGAS—Emphasizing that the high-traffic , high-impact areas could have far-reaching ramifications for the spread of coronavirus , porn industry leaders held a press conference Monday to announce the immediate closure of all orifices .
“ Although this was a difficult decision , as of this morning , we have ordered a nationwide closure of all slits , gashes , holes , and cracks until this global pandemic passes , ” said Vivid Entertainment spokesperson Anthony Ufford , adding that while the shutdown could unfortunately leave many workers with no place to bust a nut or totally unable to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the right thing to do .
“ We understand this is frustrating for many of our customers , but the fact of the matter is , the more holes that we can keep empty and unfilled , the more fingers , fists , and rock-hard cocks we can keep healthy during this difficult time .
Once this is over , we assure you , faces will go back to being fucked , and pinkies will be back in the stink as soon as possible.
” At press time , Ufford added that during @ @ @ @ @ @ @ every orifice to undergo a thorough deep-clean before reopening .

LAS VEGAS—Emphasizing that the high-traffic, high-impact areas could have far-reaching ramifications for the spread of coronavirus, porn industry leaders held a press conference Monday to announce the immediate closure of all orifices. “Although this was a difficult decision, as of this morning, we have ordered a nationwide closure of all slits, gashes, holes, and cracks until this global pandemic passes,” said Vivid Entertainment spokesperson Anthony Ufford, adding that while the shutdown could unfortunately leave many workers with no place to bust a nut or totally unable to get deep-dicked for weeks, it was ultimately the right thing to do. “We understand this is frustrating for many of our customers, but the fact of the matter is, the more holes that we can keep empty and unfilled, the more fingers, fists, and rock-hard cocks we can keep healthy during this difficult time. Once this is over, we assure you, faces will go back to being fucked, and pinkies will be back in the stink as soon as possible.” At press time, Ufford added that during the closure, he had also ordered every orifice to undergo a thorough deep-clean before reopening.


theonion--2020-03-16--10 Crazy Optical Illusions

10 Crazy Optical Illusions

Forget what you think you know about seeing 3D optical illusions .
Forget everything you ’ ve been taught .
@ @ @ @ @ and if you want to unlock it , you ’ re going to have to @ @ @ @ @ window .
Adopt a diet of foraged nuts and grains , and limit your liquids @ @ @ @ @ teas .
Sell your worldly belongings and buy a simple grass mat .
Stare at @ @ @ @ @ down to sleep .
Do this for nine years .
In the winter of your @ @ @ @ @ make out the dolphin .

OnionNews on Entertainment, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

Forget what you think you know about seeing 3D optical illusions. Forget everything you’ve been taught. This image is different, and if you want to unlock it, you’re going to have to throw your training out the window. Adopt a diet of foraged nuts and grains, and limit your liquids to distilled water and white teas. Sell your worldly belongings and buy a simple grass mat. Stare at the image before you lie down to sleep. Do this for nine years. In the winter of your ninth year, you will make out the dolphin.


theonion--2020-03-16--Divorced Mom At Point In Life Where She Figures She Might As Well Start Writing Erotic Letters To Me

Divorced Mom At Point In Life Where She Figures She Might As Well Start Writing Erotic Letters To Men In Prison

OMAHA , NE—Admitting that it was about time she put herself out there and love again , divorced mom Kathy Leahy told reporters Friday she was finally at the point in her life where she figured she might as well start writing erotic letters to men in prison .
“ Well , I ’ d been single for a while , so the timing just felt right to pick up a pen and paper and start writing sexually explicit notes to criminal offenders in maximum-security prisons , ” said the 65-year-old retired mother of four , adding that while she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inmates and confess her deepest , most arousing fantasies , it took her a while to work up the courage to do so .
“ At first , I was definitely a little scared of rejection , but then I started exchanging letters with Richard , who is an arsonist and alleged serial killer serving a life sentence at ADX Florence .
I know a lot of people think I ’ m moving too fast with him , but if you could only see the naughty things he writes back—hoo , boy .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ press time , Leahy told reporters she had transferred her entire 401k into Richard ’ s legal defense fund and had been working with lawyers to help them get married while he was still behind bars .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

OMAHA, NE—Admitting that it was about time she put herself out there and love again, divorced mom Kathy Leahy told reporters Friday she was finally at the point in her life where she figured she might as well start writing erotic letters to men in prison. “Well, I’d been single for a while, so the timing just felt right to pick up a pen and paper and start writing sexually explicit notes to criminal offenders in maximum-security prisons,” said the 65-year-old retired mother of four, adding that while she’d always wanted to correspond with inmates and confess her deepest, most arousing fantasies, it took her a while to work up the courage to do so. “At first, I was definitely a little scared of rejection, but then I started exchanging letters with Richard, who is an arsonist and alleged serial killer serving a life sentence at ADX Florence. I know a lot of people think I’m moving too fast with him, but if you could only see the naughty things he writes back—hoo, boy. He is something else!” At press time, Leahy told reporters she had transferred her entire 401k into Richard’s legal defense fund and had been working with lawyers to help them get married while he was still behind bars.


theonion--2020-03-17--Universal Pictures Makes Movies Currently In Theaters Available For Home Viewing Following Coronavir

Universal Pictures Makes Movies Currently In Theaters Available For Home Viewing Following Coronavirus Concerns

NBCUniversal announced that several films currently in theaters , including Invisible Man and Emma , will be available for rent @ @ @ @ @ Tour , which was set to come out Easter weekend , will be available on-demand @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ I ’ ll do whatever it takes to keep studio executives @ @ @ @ @ re used to.
” “ I ’ m sorry , but this is not how @ @ @ @ @ to be viewed.
” “ And how exactly am I supposed to ruin a hundred @ @ @ @ @ experience like this ?
”

NBCUniversal announced that several films currently in theaters, including Invisible Man and Emma, will be available for rent online, and Trolls World Tour, which was set to come out Easter weekend, will be available on-demand March 10th. What do you think?
“I’ll do whatever it takes to keep studio executives living the lifestyles they’re used to.” Marcelino Jameson • Mall Auditor
“I’m sorry, but this is not how Trolls World Tour was intended to be viewed.” Alissa Ralph • Mini Golf Caddie
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theonion--2020-03-17--Amazon Hires 100,000 New Workers To Cram In Close Quarters Just For Kicks

SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce , Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks .
“ We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be crammed like sardines in a single , dark warehouse for our amusement , ” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos , explaining that the new employees were not going to be given any tasks or responsibilities except to stand shoulder to shoulder , breathing and coughing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the company felt like keeping them there .
“ People are getting desperate , so we figured , why the hell not ?
We ’ ve got all this cash coming in from cornering almost every market and forcing people unwilling to leave their homes to buy from us , and I can ’ t imagine a better use for it at this critical time but to stuff as many people as we can possibly fit into a poorly ventilated warehouse and see how long they ’ ll tolerate the pain and discomfort @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s like , what else are they gon na do ?
We ’ re in the middle of a pandemic , and as a business responsible to shareholders , Amazon is going to do whatever we need to do to sit back and enjoy watching people suffer from the coronavirus .
And if this trial run pans out , we ’ re considering expanding this crammed-employee program to markets across the country.
” At press time , Bezos added that the company was offering anyone who signed up for an Amazon Prime @ @ @ @ @ @ @ watch the employees .

SEATTLE—In response to the rising effects of the coronavirus pandemic on the American workforce, Amazon announced Tuesday that it had hired 100,000 new workers to cram in close quarters together just for kicks. “We have taken the significant step of immediately hiring tens of thousands of men and women who will be crammed like sardines in a single, dark warehouse for our amusement,” said Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, explaining that the new employees were not going to be given any tasks or responsibilities except to stand shoulder to shoulder, breathing and coughing on each other for as long as the company felt like keeping them there. “People are getting desperate, so we figured, why the hell not? We’ve got all this cash coming in from cornering almost every market and forcing people unwilling to leave their homes to buy from us, and I can’t imagine a better use for it at this critical time but to stuff as many people as we can possibly fit into a poorly ventilated warehouse and see how long they’ll tolerate the pain and discomfort for 10 bucks an hour. It’s like, what else are they gonna do? We’re in the middle of a pandemic, and as a business responsible to shareholders, Amazon is going to do whatever we need to do to sit back and enjoy watching people suffer from the coronavirus. And if this trial run pans out, we’re considering expanding this crammed-employee program to markets across the country.” At press time, Bezos added that the company was offering anyone who signed up for an Amazon Prime subscription a free live video feed to watch the employees.


theonion--2020-03-17--Kansas Basketball Devastated They Won’t Get Opportunity To Vacate National Championship

LAWRENCE , KS—Lamenting the NCAA ’ s decision to cancel March Madness amid coronavirus concerns , representatives from the Kansas men ’ s basketball team confirmed Tuesday that they were devastated about not getting an opportunity to vacate the national championship .
“ It really sucks we won ’ t have the chance to lift that trophy over our heads and then see it stripped away from us , ” said forward Silvio De Sousa , expressing doubts that the school would ever be able to shell out the cash for such an elite roster of players again .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with a new car , I wanted to bring a championship back to Kansas for a couple years .
It would ’ ve been so amazing to watch that banner get taken down from the rafters , but it wasn ’ t in the cards for us this year .
I guess I ’ ll never be able cut down a piece of the net and chuck it in the garbage once the scandal got out.
” In a related report , Dayton basketball fans expressed disappointment that they ’ ll never get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being cheated out of a title .

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

LAWRENCE, KS—Lamenting the NCAA’s decision to cancel March Madness amid coronavirus concerns, representatives from the Kansas men’s basketball team confirmed Tuesday that they were devastated about not getting an opportunity to vacate the national championship. “It really sucks we won’t have the chance to lift that trophy over our heads and then see it stripped away from us,” said forward Silvio De Sousa, expressing doubts that the school would ever be able to shell out the cash for such an elite roster of players again. “From the moment Coach Self recruited me with a new car, I wanted to bring a championship back to Kansas for a couple years. It would’ve been so amazing to watch that banner get taken down from the rafters, but it wasn’t in the cards for us this year. I guess I’ll never be able cut down a piece of the net and chuck it in the garbage once the scandal got out.” In a related report, Dayton basketball fans expressed disappointment that they’ll never get to complain for the next decade about being cheated out of a title.


theonion--2020-03-17--Fiat Recalls More Than 10,000 Cars For Not Looking Small And Weird Enough

The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV , citing issues that range from it not having @ @ @ @ @ not bumping their head when they get inside .
The Topical is presented by Cash @ @ @ @ @ finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or @ @ @ @ @ the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash @ @ @ @ @ to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
The Italian car manufacturer @ @ @ @ @ new C-SUV , citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to @ @ @ @ @ when they get inside .

The Italian car manufacturer announced the recall of their new C-SUV, citing issues that range from it not having funny little mirrors to drivers not bumping their head when they get inside.


theonion--2020-03-17--Nation’s 108 Million Service Industry Workers Assure Public That Job Is Just Way To Stay Busy After

Nation’s 108 Million Service Industry Workers Assure Public That Job Is Just Way To Stay Busy After Winning Lottery Years Ago

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they ’ d be “ just fine ” amid mass layoffs and temporary unemployment looming over the sector , the nation ’ s 108 million service industry workers assured the public Tuesday that their jobs were just a way to stay busy after winning the lottery years ago .
“ Listen , we just do this to stay grounded and have something to do on nights and weekends—don ’ t worry about us , ” said 26-year-old waitress Carla Maple , who further advised the public not to concern themselves with tipping , since customers were way more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Covid-19 pandemic .
“ We ’ re each worth , on average , like , approximately $ 140 million .
The only reason we wait tables , serve drinks , and brew your coffee is to avoid becoming totally disillusioned with our vast wealth .
Sure , it will be hard to be cooped up in our mansions playing racquetball and swimming all alone in our Olympic-sized pools , but it ’ s not like we ’ re relying on income from our jobs to survive.
” At press time , Maple added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ workers had begun a fundraising campaign to help support the nation ’ s investment bankers .

WASHINGTON—Stressing that they’d be “just fine” amid mass layoffs and temporary unemployment looming over the sector, the nation’s 108 million service industry workers assured the public Tuesday that their jobs were just a way to stay busy after winning the lottery years ago. “Listen, we just do this to stay grounded and have something to do on nights and weekends—don’t worry about us,” said 26-year-old waitress Carla Maple, who further advised the public not to concern themselves with tipping, since customers were way more likely to need that money during the Covid-19 pandemic. “We’re each worth, on average, like, approximately $140 million. The only reason we wait tables, serve drinks, and brew your coffee is to avoid becoming totally disillusioned with our vast wealth. Sure, it will be hard to be cooped up in our mansions playing racquetball and swimming all alone in our Olympic-sized pools, but it’s not like we’re relying on income from our jobs to survive.” At press time, Maple added that the nation’s service industry workers had begun a fundraising campaign to help support the nation’s investment bankers.


theonion--2020-03-17--Who Said It: Kanye West Or An Instruction Manual For The Cuisinart CRC-400 Electric Rice Cooker?

“ Once the rice is cooked , the unit will automatically switch to the Warm setting and the Warm LED @ @ @ @ @ unit is unplugged.
” Who said it ?

“Once the rice is cooked, the unit will automatically switch to the Warm setting and the Warm LED will be illuminated until the unit is unplugged.” Who said it?


theonion--2020-03-17--Americans Mark St. Patrick’s Day

Americans Mark St. Patrick’s Day

Today is St. Patrick ’ s Day , though many Americans will not celebrate with the usual parades , bar @ @ @ @ @ business grinds to a halt in an effort to curb the transmission of Covid-19 .
@ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m not letting coronavirus disrupt my yearly social media tradition of telling @ @ @ @ @ s Day isn ’ t really celebrated in Ireland.
” “ Sheltering in place , @ @ @ @ @ my immediate family and pets .
”

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, though many Americans will not celebrate with the usual parades, bar crawls and get-togethers as nonessential business grinds to a halt in an effort to curb the transmission of Covid-19. How are you celebrating?
“Gonna charge myself $15 to drink a Guinness.” Bo Schilling • Rock Granulator
“I’m not letting coronavirus disrupt my yearly social media tradition of telling everybody that St. Patrick’s Day isn’t really celebrated in Ireland.” Lily Damron • Parade Organizer
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theonion--2020-03-17--Your Horoscopes — Week Of March 17, 2020

The most difficult week of your life is coming up , but take heart : If you can get through @ @ @ @ @ have something to remember during the next 1,872 uniformly boring weeks of your life .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Cancer | June 21 to July 22
The stars aren’t sure what’s worse: that you keep insisting you’re the inspiration for the lizard in the insurance commercials, or that it’s true and you seem to take such pride in it.


theonion--2020-03-17--Amazing Detail: Every Game In ‘MLB The Show’ Will Feature A Frustrated Father Sitting In The Stands

Amazing Detail: Every Game In ‘MLB The Show’ Will Feature A Frustrated Father Sitting In The Stands Next To His Husky Son Playing A Nintendo DS

Awesome news , sports gamers !
It ’ s time for the latest installment in SIE San Diego Studio ’ s baseball series that is beloved for its attention to detail , and this one looks like a real doozy !
A recent announcement from developers revealed that every baseball game in the upcoming MLB The Show 20 will feature a frustrated father sitting in the stands next to his husky son who is playing a Nintendo DS !
Wow , what an incredible display of realism in gaming !
“ We ’ re really trying to give players a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s like to be at a Major League Baseball game , so we knew we had to include a dad who ’ s deeply annoyed at his inability to bond with his handheld gaming-obsessed son , ” said senior programmer Andrew Campbell , stressing that this nuanced portrayal the son ’ s utter apathy toward America ’ s favorite pastime in favor of playing Dragon Quest IX helps gamers lose themselves in the world of professional baseball .
“ Players might notice the frustrated father making general observations about the game to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hits , bemoaning foul balls , what have you—before starting to nudge his disinterested , pudgy son to turn off that damn video game for once .
“ What ’ s incredible is that even though the father and son ’ s seating location is randomly generated game-to-game , if you look closely using the Stadium View camera setting , you ’ ll always see the father ’ s annoyance level will be directly relative to how much money he threw away on good seats that his kid isn ’ t even appreciation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the game ’ s impressive attention to detail , Campbell described events in which the father attempts to bribe his son with food from nearby vendors to draw him away from Pokémon Mystery Dungeon , before the father finally admitting that he should have brought the boy ’ s little sister instead .
What will really immerse gamers in the authentic simulation , though , are graphical engine ’ s ability to realistic father-son interactions , such as the portly child briefly looking up to correct the father after he calls the Nintendo @ @ @ @ @ @ @ before returning to his game in a morose silence .
Campbell also hinted at hidden mid-game cutscene in which the father angrily confiscates the Nintendo DS and marches his crying , plump son out of the stands after the seventh inning .
Now that ’ s the type of incredible true-to-life detail that we all love about MLB The Show !
Between the game ’ s features allowing players to create their own franchise from scratch and true-to-life addition of a frustrated father and his overweight son playing Nintendo DS , anyone booting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is sure to feel like they ’ re really sitting in the stands at a big league game !

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Awesome news, sports gamers! It’s time for the latest installment in SIE San Diego Studio’s baseball series that is beloved for its attention to detail, and this one looks like a real doozy! A recent announcement from developers revealed that every baseball game in the upcoming MLB The Show 20 will feature a frustrated father sitting in the stands next to his husky son who is playing a Nintendo DS!
Wow, what an incredible display of realism in gaming!
“We’re really trying to give players a fully immersive experience of what it’s like to be at a Major League Baseball game, so we knew we had to include a dad who’s deeply annoyed at his inability to bond with his handheld gaming-obsessed son,” said senior programmer Andrew Campbell, stressing that this nuanced portrayal the son’s utter apathy toward America’s favorite pastime in favor of playing Dragon Quest IX helps gamers lose themselves in the world of professional baseball. “Players might notice the frustrated father making general observations about the game to get his son’s attention—commenting on good hits, bemoaning foul balls, what have you—before starting to nudge his disinterested, pudgy son to turn off that damn video game for once.
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“What’s incredible is that even though the father and son’s seating location is randomly generated game-to-game, if you look closely using the Stadium View camera setting, you’ll always see the father’s annoyance level will be directly relative to how much money he threw away on good seats that his kid isn’t even appreciation,” he added.
Further noting the game’s impressive attention to detail, Campbell described events in which the father attempts to bribe his son with food from nearby vendors to draw him away from Pokémon Mystery Dungeon, before the father finally admitting that he should have brought the boy’s little sister instead. What will really immerse gamers in the authentic simulation, though, are graphical engine’s ability to realistic father-son interactions, such as the portly child briefly looking up to correct the father after he calls the Nintendo DS a “Game Boy,” before returning to his game in a morose silence.
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Campbell also hinted at hidden mid-game cutscene in which the father angrily confiscates the Nintendo DS and marches his crying, plump son out of the stands after the seventh inning.
Now that’s the type of incredible true-to-life detail that we all love about MLB The Show! Between the game’s features allowing players to create their own franchise from scratch and true-to-life addition of a frustrated father and his overweight son playing Nintendo DS, anyone booting up SIE San Diego’s latest is sure to feel like they’re really sitting in the stands at a big league game!


theonion--2020-03-17--Congress Allocates $2 Trillion To Bail Out Struggling Bailout Industry

WASHINGTON—In order to alleviate the heavy damage the crucial financial sector is facing in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak , the United States Congress announced Tuesday that they would be allocating $ 2 trillion in order to bail out the struggling bailout industry .
“ The bailout industry is on the brink of failure , so in order to prevent a full-on catastrophe , we are setting aside $ 2 trillion in order to bail it out , ” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ( R-KY ) , adding that the business of giving of massive sums @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cover their losses is at the very bedrock of the U.S. economic system , and without assistance , the entire bailout industry as we know it could collapse , which could lead to another Great Depression .
“ During a crisis like this , the bailout industry is often hit the hardest , so we are taking immediate action , as our economy is deeply dependent on the bailout system ; if bailouts can ’ t function , then America can ’ t function .
A cash injection is absolutely necessary to make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into failing businesses.
” At press time , Congress had signed a bill to allocate funds to bail out their bailout of the bailout industry .

OnionNews on Politics, shared by OnionNews to The Onion

WASHINGTON—In order to alleviate the heavy damage the crucial financial sector is facing in the midst of the ongoing Covid-19 outbreak, the United States Congress announced Tuesday that they would be allocating $2 trillion in order to bail out the struggling bailout industry. “The bailout industry is on the brink of failure, so in order to prevent a full-on catastrophe, we are setting aside $2 trillion in order to bail it out,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY), adding that the business of giving of massive sums of money to corporations so they can cover their losses is at the very bedrock of the U.S. economic system, and without assistance, the entire bailout industry as we know it could collapse, which could lead to another Great Depression. “During a crisis like this, the bailout industry is often hit the hardest, so we are taking immediate action, as our economy is deeply dependent on the bailout system; if bailouts can’t function, then America can’t function. A cash injection is absolutely necessary to make sure these failing businesses can inject cash into failing businesses.” At press time, Congress had signed a bill to allocate funds to bail out their bailout of the bailout industry.


theonion--2020-03-18--Huge Announcement: Sony Just Revealed The PS5 Can Function As A Makeshift Gravestone To Mark The Sit

Huge Announcement: Sony Just Revealed The PS5 Can Function As A Makeshift Gravestone To Mark The Site Of Your Shallow Burial

Well gamers , it looks like Sony ’ s long-anticipated unveiling of the PlayStation 5 ’ s specs did not disappoint .
Not only is the system massively powerful with over 10 teraflops of computing output , but the company also revealed the state-of-the-art console can function as a makeshift gravestone to mark the site of your hasty and shallow burial .
Oh boy , we are gon na need one of these , and pronto .
“ From playing Blu-rays to supporting VR , PlayStation has always been at the forefront of bringing gamers more functionality , and we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ PS5 ’ s ability to be pounded into the shallow dirt to mark the site of your untimely passing , ” said lead architect Mike Cerny during Wednesday ’ s announcement video .
“ We ’ ve strived to make the PS5 the centerpiece of your home , whether it ’ s streaming movies or acting as a quick easily constructed memorial for someone who was struck down before their time.
” The 825GB solid-state drive may be the big news for some gamers , but we here at OGN are far more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” into the side of the PS5 as we quickly bury our loved ones on the side of the road .
It is certainly one of the features that we expect will see the most use , and it will last a lot longer than two sticks crudely lashed into a cross .
Cerny added : “ We knew we needed to anticipate the needs of the next , and likely last , generation of gamers , which is why the PS5 will be able to endure years of inclement weather while it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ once-clear etching of your name slowly erodes and becomes unreadable .
It is also our most energy-efficient , environmentally friendly PlayStation ever.
” While the exact look of the console has not yet been revealed , PlayStation fans can sleep easy knowing they will soon have a perfect way to remind the world that , for a brief time , they did exist .
We know that for a lot of people out there , the PlayStation 5 ’ s release simply won ’ t come soon enough .

Well gamers, it looks like Sony’s long-anticipated unveiling of the PlayStation 5’s specs did not disappoint. Not only is the system massively powerful with over 10 teraflops of computing output, but the company also revealed the state-of-the-art console can function as a makeshift gravestone to mark the site of your hasty and shallow burial.
Oh boy, we are gonna need one of these, and pronto.
“From playing Blu-rays to supporting VR, PlayStation has always been at the forefront of bringing gamers more functionality, and we are only expanding on that with the PS5’s ability to be pounded into the shallow dirt to mark the site of your untimely passing,” said lead architect Mike Cerny during Wednesday’s announcement video. “We’ve strived to make the PS5 the centerpiece of your home, whether it’s streaming movies or acting as a quick easily constructed memorial for someone who was struck down before their time.”
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The 825GB solid-state drive may be the big news for some gamers, but we here at OGN are far more excited about scratching “GONE TOO SOON” into the side of the PS5 as we quickly bury our loved ones on the side of the road. It is certainly one of the features that we expect will see the most use, and it will last a lot longer than two sticks crudely lashed into a cross.
Cerny added: “We knew we needed to anticipate the needs of the next, and likely last, generation of gamers, which is why the PS5 will be able to endure years of inclement weather while it commemorates your life, even as the once-clear etching of your name slowly erodes and becomes unreadable. It is also our most energy-efficient, environmentally friendly PlayStation ever.”
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While the exact look of the console has not yet been revealed, PlayStation fans can sleep easy knowing they will soon have a perfect way to remind the world that, for a brief time, they did exist. We know that for a lot of people out there, the PlayStation 5’s release simply won’t come soon enough.


theonion--2020-03-18--Marina Abramović Stolen In Daring Performance Art Heist

Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art , and what the @ @ @ @ @ them .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app @ @ @ @ @ Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo @ @ @ @ @ only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice @ @ @ @ @ litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Hear how thieves were able steal the prized performance artist from the Museum of Modern Art, and what the NYPD is doing to catch them.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-18--Amazon Hires 100,000 Workers In Wake Of Coronavirus Surge

Amazon announced they will hire an additional 100,000 warehouse and delivery workers to keep up with the onslaught of new @ @ @ @ @ shopping online during the Covid-19 pandemic .
What do you think ?
“ Huge opportunity @ @ @ @ @ side hustle with terrible working conditions.
” “ I really can ’ t imagine there @ @ @ @ @ books .
”

Amazon announced they will hire an additional 100,000 warehouse and delivery workers to keep up with the onslaught of new orders as customers shift their shopping online during the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?
“Thank God. I was worried I’d have to start supporting small local businesses.” Beatrice Christensen • Crime Scene Reenactor
“Huge opportunity for anyone looking for a side hustle with terrible working conditions.” Milt Hanes • Indoor Farmer
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theonion--2020-03-18--Tom Brady Leaves New England Patriots

Tom Brady Leaves New England Patriots

Quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is a free agent after 20 years with the New England Patriots , though @ @ @ @ @ to sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers .
What do you think ?
“ Risky @ @ @ @ @ paycheck when we ’ re on the brink of a recession.
” “ Hopefully , @ @ @ @ @ can count on to act as references.
” “ This only increases my chances of @ @ @ @ @ starting quarterback .
”

Quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is a free agent after 20 years with the New England Patriots, though it is rumored he plans to sign with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. What do you think?
“Risky to walk away from a paycheck when we’re on the brink of a recession.” Jeff Hall • Snake Tycoon
“Hopefully, he has some coworkers he can count on to act as references.” Eddie Bennett • Clay Transporter
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theonion--2020-03-18--Microsoft Confirms Xbox Series X Next-Gen Graphics Will Finally Allow Games That Are All Realistic H

Microsoft Confirms Xbox Series X Next-Gen Graphics Will Finally Allow Games That Are All Realistic Hair And Water

Ever since last year ’ s announcement of the Xbox Series X , gamers have been salivating at the thought of seeing exactly what kind of graphics a next-gen powerhouse can pump out .
Well , today Microsoft ’ s executive VP of Gaming Phil Spencer dropped one huge new detail about their upcoming console that ’ s going to blow fanboys away : The new console has the technical ability to finally render games that are made up entirely of realistic hair and water .
You heard us right .
One of gaming ’ s biggest dreams is finally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fidelity of the Series X will deliver what gamers and designers have both wanted for decades : perfect , crisp , photorealistic water and individually rendered hairs covering every surface of every game , ” said Spencer during an online announcement , while real in-game footage depicted a completely hair-covered Master Chief navigating a stunning open-world of hair while battling Covenant forces made of pure water .
“ We are talking red hair and blonde , luscious curls and short stubby beard hair , bobs and bouffants.
” “ If you can dream @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it absolutely covered in hair or drenched with water , ” he added .
While huge leaps in graphics technology in past consoles have allowed for beautiful trees and stunning architecture , worlds composed out of realistic hair have remained frustratingly out of reach for decades .
Who will ever forget the disappointing 1999 PlayStation 2 Tekken Tag demo showing a water-based King face off against a Yoshimitsu composed entirely of static , helmet-like hair .
But the new Xbox ’ s 12 teraflops of power can push the rendering of hair and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dreamed about .
We saw literally millions of hair-based characters interacting on screen at once , drowning in a city made out of water .
“ This is what gaming has been building to—the power to create perfectly immersive worlds with billions of follicles of hair on screen at once .
You won ’ t be able to tell the difference between a hair-covered car in one of our games or one in real life , ” added Spencer .
“ Plus , players will be able to spend hundreds of hours riding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ looking up at stunning hair clouds in an all-hair sky lit by a hair-based sun.
” “ Gaming will never be the same again , ” he added .
Well , we don ’ t know about you , readers , but we can ’ t wait to see more of what the Xbox Series X is capable of !
Whether it ’ s the promising-looking launch title Hair And Water : Hair ’ s Destiny or the Sea Of Thieves sequel Sea Of Hair And Water , it sounds like gamers of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whole new generation of shaggy , hirsute action !

Ever since last year’s announcement of the Xbox Series X, gamers have been salivating at the thought of seeing exactly what kind of graphics a next-gen powerhouse can pump out. Well, today Microsoft’s executive VP of Gaming Phil Spencer dropped one huge new detail about their upcoming console that’s going to blow fanboys away: The new console has the technical ability to finally render games that are made up entirely of realistic hair and water.
You heard us right. One of gaming’s biggest dreams is finally coming true.
“The amazing graphical fidelity of the Series X will deliver what gamers and designers have both wanted for decades: perfect, crisp, photorealistic water and individually rendered hairs covering every surface of every game,” said Spencer during an online announcement, while real in-game footage depicted a completely hair-covered Master Chief navigating a stunning open-world of hair while battling Covenant forces made of pure water. “We are talking red hair and blonde, luscious curls and short stubby beard hair, bobs and bouffants.”
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“If you can dream it, the Series X can render it absolutely covered in hair or drenched with water,” he added.
While huge leaps in graphics technology in past consoles have allowed for beautiful trees and stunning architecture, worlds composed out of realistic hair have remained frustratingly out of reach for decades. Who will ever forget the disappointing 1999 PlayStation 2 Tekken Tag demo showing a water-based King face off against a Yoshimitsu composed entirely of static, helmet-like hair. But the new Xbox’s 12 teraflops of power can push the rendering of hair and water well beyond anything we have ever dreamed about. We saw literally millions of hair-based characters interacting on screen at once, drowning in a city made out of water.
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“This is what gaming has been building to—the power to create perfectly immersive worlds with billions of follicles of hair on screen at once. You won’t be able to tell the difference between a hair-covered car in one of our games or one in real life,” added Spencer. “Plus, players will be able to spend hundreds of hours riding water horses through fields of hair while looking up at stunning hair clouds in an all-hair sky lit by a hair-based sun.”
“Gaming will never be the same again,” he added.
Well, we don’t know about you, readers, but we can’t wait to see more of what the Xbox Series X is capable of! Whether it’s the promising-looking launch title Hair And Water: Hair’s Destiny or the Sea Of Thieves sequel Sea Of Hair And Water, it sounds like gamers of all stripes can look forward to a whole new generation of shaggy, hirsute action!


theonion--2020-03-18--Trump Quietly Checks With Aides To Make Sure He’d Be Included In Receiving $1,000 Government Checks

WASHINGTON—As his administration makes plans to combat the economic damage caused by the coronavirus with direct payments to Americans , President Donald Trump reportedly conferred with aides behind closed doors Wednesday to confirm he would be among those citizens receiving a pair of $ 1,000 checks .
“ Hey , I ’ m also getting in on this deal , right ?
” Trump reportedly said to a White House economic strategist he had pulled aside , asking him to double-check the list of recipients and make sure he was on there , since he was “ an American too @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was “ only fair ” he receive the same assistance as everyone else .
“ How soon are these things coming ?
Can we expedite them ?
An extra couple grand would be nice right about now .
I should get my check first because I ’ m president and I ’ ve been working hard .
Everyone else should get theirs after me .
Maybe we could have a televised ceremony where I receive the check .
That would boost morale , especially if I got a little more money than everybody @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to get them too , right ?
Is there any way those ones could just be forwarded directly to me ?
” At press time , sources reported that Trump increased the proposed amount of money Americans would be receiving to $ 2,687 after learning that taxes would have to be taken out .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

WASHINGTON—As his administration makes plans to combat the economic damage caused by the coronavirus with direct payments to Americans, President Donald Trump reportedly conferred with aides behind closed doors Wednesday to confirm he would be among those citizens receiving a pair of $1,000 checks. “Hey, I’m also getting in on this deal, right?” Trump reportedly said to a White House economic strategist he had pulled aside, asking him to double-check the list of recipients and make sure he was on there, since he was “an American too, after all,” and it was “only fair” he receive the same assistance as everyone else. “How soon are these things coming? Can we expedite them? An extra couple grand would be nice right about now. I should get my check first because I’m president and I’ve been working hard. Everyone else should get theirs after me. Maybe we could have a televised ceremony where I receive the check. That would boost morale, especially if I got a little more money than everybody else. Also, my kids are going to get them too, right? Is there any way those ones could just be forwarded directly to me?” At press time, sources reported that Trump increased the proposed amount of money Americans would be receiving to $2,687 after learning that taxes would have to be taken out.


theonion--2020-03-18--‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser

‘The Onion’ Looks Back On Tom Brady’s Career As The New England Patriots All-Time Greatest Kisser
Published March 18, 2020 We may earn a commission from links on this page.


theonion--2020-03-18--Trump Hits Back At China By Announcing U.S. Will Also Expel American Journalists

WASHINGTON—Sending a loud and clear message to the rival superpower , President Donald Trump hit back at China Wednesday by @ @ @ @ @ expel American journalists .
“ Effective immediately , all reporters must leave the country—we ’ @ @ @ @ @ China outdo us on this one , ” said Trump , who issued an executive @ @ @ @ @ The Washington Post , The New York Times , and The Wall Street Journal as @ @ @ @ @ such as BuzzFeed , The Atlantic , and Men ’ s Health a 24-hour notice @ @ @ @ @ “ If China wants to banish our journalists for writing negative articles about China , @ @ @ @ @ ’ t tolerate American reporters spreading nasty stories about America either .
I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ down the mastheads .
Anything China can do , we can do better .
Who @ @ @ @ @ ll even execute them.
” At press time , Fox News broadcasters had been granted @ @ @ @ @ a federal judge .

WASHINGTON—Sending a loud and clear message to the rival superpower, President Donald Trump hit back at China Wednesday by announcing the U.S. would also expel American journalists. “Effective immediately, all reporters must leave the country—we’re not going to let China outdo us on this one,” said Trump, who issued an executive order giving all journalists from The Washington Post, The New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal as well as writers at outlets such as BuzzFeed, The Atlantic, and Men’s Health a 24-hour notice to evacuate the country. “If China wants to banish our journalists for writing negative articles about China, then fine, we won’t tolerate American reporters spreading nasty stories about America either. I’m going to just start reading down the mastheads. Anything China can do, we can do better. Who knows, maybe we’ll even execute them.” At press time, Fox News broadcasters had been granted a stay of removal by a federal judge.


theonion--2020-03-18--Conservative Worries Relief Checks Would Discourage Americans From Providing For Selves By Killing H

Conservative Worries Relief Checks Would Discourage Americans From Providing For Selves By Killing Him And Taking His Property

NEW HAVEN , CT—Speaking out against proposals to provide federal assistance to Americans hardest hit by the pandemic-fueled economic downturn , local conservative Mark Garrett expressed worry Wednesday that relief checks would discourage citizens from learning to provide for themselves by killing him and taking his property .
“ People in this country should have enough self-reliance to stand on their own two feet , bust down my door , cut my throat , and seize all of my possessions , ” said Garrett , adding that in America , there are plenty of profits to be had by anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and forcibly take them .
“ There ’ s a real moral hazard here : When you pay people for doing nothing , it rewards them for being too irresponsible to look at all the wealth I ’ ve accumulated and realize that if they simply kidnapped my family and held them for ransom , I would eagerly pay it .
A resourceful person wouldn ’ t even need a gun , not if they were enterprising enough to come at me with a knife , an ax , or a tire iron @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , if you ’ re not willing to murder me while I ’ m asleep in bed and pocket all my valuables , you ’ re not willing to work.
” Garrett went on to ask why federal funds couldn ’ t instead be given to the national guard , which would need to be sent in to impose martial law when the peasants began to riot .

NEW HAVEN, CT—Speaking out against proposals to provide federal assistance to Americans hardest hit by the pandemic-fueled economic downturn, local conservative Mark Garrett expressed worry Wednesday that relief checks would discourage citizens from learning to provide for themselves by killing him and taking his property. “People in this country should have enough self-reliance to stand on their own two feet, bust down my door, cut my throat, and seize all of my possessions,” said Garrett, adding that in America, there are plenty of profits to be had by anyone motivated enough to just go out there and forcibly take them. “There’s a real moral hazard here: When you pay people for doing nothing, it rewards them for being too irresponsible to look at all the wealth I’ve accumulated and realize that if they simply kidnapped my family and held them for ransom, I would eagerly pay it. A resourceful person wouldn’t even need a gun, not if they were enterprising enough to come at me with a knife, an ax, or a tire iron. At the end of the day, if you’re not willing to murder me while I’m asleep in bed and pocket all my valuables, you’re not willing to work.” Garrett went on to ask why federal funds couldn’t instead be given to the national guard, which would need to be sent in to impose martial law when the peasants began to riot.


theonion--2020-03-18--Timeline Of Trump Administration’s Response To Coronavirus

As states and cities across the country shut down and the federal government drafts measures to counter the economic costs @ @ @ @ @ , the spotlight is on President Donald Trump and his administration , which has been @ @ @ @ @ .
The Onion looks at the timeline of the Trump administration ’ s response to @ @ @ @ @ posts first tweet about the coronavirus , daring it to provoke the powerful U.S. military @ @ @ @ @ mass confusion by contradicting Trump ’ s statement that everything fine .
Trump adds quick @ @ @ @ @ China travel ban already sitting on desk .
Administration turns down tests from WHO because @ @ @ @ @ to get them something and it would turn into a whole thing .
Trump admits @ @ @ @ @ due to Obama still being president .
Anxious nation soothed at Rose Garden press conference @ @ @ @ @ CEO .
Reports reveal Trump attempted to bribe German scientists to create vaccine that only @ @ @ @ @ First sign of slight economic recovery results in Trump ’ s landslide reelection .

As states and cities across the country shut down and the federal government drafts measures to counter the economic costs of the coronavirus’ spread, the spotlight is on President Donald Trump and his administration, which has been criticized for its crisis response. The Onion looks at the timeline of the Trump administration’s response to coronavirus so far.
January 24:
Trump posts first tweet about the coronavirus, daring it to provoke the powerful U.S. military.
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January 30:
World Health Organization sows mass confusion by contradicting Trump’s statement that everything fine.
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January 31:
Trump adds quick few lines about coronavirus to China travel ban already sitting on desk.
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February 6:
Administration turns down tests from WHO because then we’d have to get them something and it would turn into a whole thing.
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February 20:
Trump admits outbreak worsened in large part due to Obama still being president.
February 27:
Iran sanctions working like magic as nation’s death toll climbs.
March 9:
Team of advisors spend hours explaining concept of paid sick leave.
March 13:
Anxious nation soothed at Rose Garden press conference by mere sight of Target CEO.
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March 14:
Trump declares threat over after testing negative.
March 15:
Reports reveal Trump attempted to bribe German scientists to create vaccine that only works on white people.
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March 17:
Trump announces corporate relief plan that bills every American adult $1,000.
November 2:
First sign of slight economic recovery results in Trump’s landslide reelection.


theonion--2020-03-19--Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian

Trump Administration Releases Best Case Scenario Projections For Coronavirus Where 8 Million Iranian People Die

WASHINGTON—Striking an optimistic note in his daily press briefing about the global pandemic , President Donald Trump spoke to reporters Thursday , detailing his administration ’ s best case scenario projections for coronavirus where eight million Iranian people are killed .
“ If we ’ re very lucky , we could be looking at many millions of dead Iranians , which is why we must do everything in our power to act , ” said Trump , confirming that the U.S. government would be pouring resources into continued sanctions and military action against Iran to boost those numbers .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and monitoring the situation at all times , and we ’ re hopeful that we could hit this target , or maybe even go past it , but the reality is , this is just a projection and it could tragically be as low as three or four million .
We need help from every sector to make sure these citizens are unable to receive medical assistance and continue dying in the street.
” When pressed by reporters , Trump acknowledged that the time had come to confront the ugly reality that at @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Striking an optimistic note in his daily press briefing about the global pandemic, President Donald Trump spoke to reporters Thursday, detailing his administration’s best case scenario projections for coronavirus where eight million Iranian people are killed. “If we’re very lucky, we could be looking at many millions of dead Iranians, which is why we must do everything in our power to act,” said Trump, confirming that the U.S. government would be pouring resources into continued sanctions and military action against Iran to boost those numbers. “We’re taking this very seriously and monitoring the situation at all times, and we’re hopeful that we could hit this target, or maybe even go past it, but the reality is, this is just a projection and it could tragically be as low as three or four million. We need help from every sector to make sure these citizens are unable to receive medical assistance and continue dying in the street.” When pressed by reporters, Trump acknowledged that the time had come to confront the ugly reality that at least some Iranians would survive.


theonion--2020-03-19--Google Offers Virtual Tours Of World’s Museums And Cultural Sites

With the world locked down under threat of coronavirus , Google highlighted its collection of virtual tours featuring over 2,500 @ @ @ @ @ around the globe , including the Guggenheim in New York , the Palace of Versaille @ @ @ @ @ the Tokyo National Museum .
What do you think ?
“ I guess I could @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Immaculate Conception of El Escorial while I ’ m waiting for Doom Eternal @ @ @ @ @ is lovely .
I ’ ve always wanted to see the internet.
” “ Virtual @ @ @ @ @ thrill of being yelled at by docents for standing too close to the artwork .
@

With the world locked down under threat of coronavirus, Google highlighted its collection of virtual tours featuring over 2,500 museums and cultural attractions from around the globe, including the Guggenheim in New York, the Palace of Versaille, Machu Picchu, and the Tokyo National Museum. What do you think?
“I guess I could check out Bartolomé Esteban Murillo’s Immaculate Conception of El Escorial while I’m waiting for Doom Eternal to download.” Ethan Tanner • Fern Mister
“This is lovely. I’ve always wanted to see the internet.” Adena Benoit • Makeup Removal Artist
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theonion--2020-03-19--Dark, Ominous Storm Clouds Atop Mount Money Indicate Recession Could Be Near

But what do these black , billowing clouds covering the mountain ’ s foothills mean for your wallet ?
The @ @ @ @ @ App , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App @ @ @ @ @ Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you @ @ @ @ @ App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

But what do these black, billowing clouds covering the mountain’s foothills mean for your wallet?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-19--Tik-Tok May Have Buried Posts From Ugly Users

Leaked documents allegedly show that the video-sharing app Tik-Tok instructed moderators to censor posts made by people deemed ugly , @ @ @ @ @ in an effort to artificially limit their audiences .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ judge of who ’ s too ugly to watch for 8 seconds , thanks.
” @ @ @ @ @ ’ t attractive people deserve their day in the sun ?
” “ What a @ @ @ @ @ ’ t hate my videos , just my body .
”

Leaked documents allegedly show that the video-sharing app Tik-Tok instructed moderators to censor posts made by people deemed ugly, poor, overweight or disabled in an effort to artificially limit their audiences. What do you think?
“I’ll be the judge of who’s too ugly to watch for 8 seconds, thanks.” Marni Collado • Yogurt researcher
“Okay, but don’t attractive people deserve their day in the sun?” Jess Maddox • Cement Mixer
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theonion--2020-03-19--Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American

WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses , President Donald Trump announced Thursday a plan to stimulate the economy by sending a rare autographed 8-by-10-inch glossy photograph of himself to every U.S. resident .
“ We know people are hurting financially , so in order to assist them at this critical time , I will be sending out these exclusive and very high-quality signed Donald J. Trump headshots to every American , ” said the president , explaining that the approximately 330 million recipients of the exclusive collector ’ s items @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and then use the cash to cover rent , groceries , and medical bills , which would , in turn , pump billions of dollars back into the economy .
“ Look , I ’ m a pretty well-known guy , so these things should definitely fetch a nice price and be a huge help to our workers , sustaining them through a difficult moment in our country ’ s history .
All we ask is that you do choose to sell them and spend the money now , for the sake of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to these beautiful , limited-edition keepsakes as they inevitably appreciate in value .
This is truly the stimulus we ’ ve all been waiting for.
” At press time , critics had assailed Trump for exploiting a loophole in the new plan that allows him to send large corporations hundreds of thousands of extra autographed photos of himself .

WASHINGTON—With markets plummeting and many workers losing jobs as the coronavirus pandemic wreaks havoc on businesses, President Donald Trump announced Thursday a plan to stimulate the economy by sending a rare autographed 8-by-10-inch glossy photograph of himself to every U.S. resident. “We know people are hurting financially, so in order to assist them at this critical time, I will be sending out these exclusive and very high-quality signed Donald J. Trump headshots to every American,” said the president, explaining that the approximately 330 million recipients of the exclusive collector’s items could sell them for a hefty sum and then use the cash to cover rent, groceries, and medical bills, which would, in turn, pump billions of dollars back into the economy. “Look, I’m a pretty well-known guy, so these things should definitely fetch a nice price and be a huge help to our workers, sustaining them through a difficult moment in our country’s history. All we ask is that you do choose to sell them and spend the money now, for the sake of the economy, rather than holding on to these beautiful, limited-edition keepsakes as they inevitably appreciate in value. This is truly the stimulus we’ve all been waiting for.” At press time, critics had assailed Trump for exploiting a loophole in the new plan that allows him to send large corporations hundreds of thousands of extra autographed photos of himself.


theonion--2020-03-19--Defiant 123-Year-Old Not Going To Let Coronavirus Stop Him From Hanging Out With Friends

BALTIMORE—Stressing that the pandemic represented nothing more than mass hysteria dreamed up in the newspapers , 123-year-old Milton Hammond told reporters Thursday that he was not going to let the coronavirus stop him from hanging out with his friends .
“ Everyone is panicking about this thing , but as far as I can tell , this is just the periodicals blowing a little flu out of proportion , ” said Hammond , who was born in the late 19th century , noting that after surviving the Great Baltimore Fire , 1918 Spanish Flu , and an extended period living @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fine stepping out for a little drink and pinochle over at his buddy ’ s place .
“ They say I need to stay inside to protect my 100-year-old children and 75-year-old grandchildren , and I get that .
But come on !
We ’ re all going to be fine .
Plus , I ’ ve already been on a ventilator for the past few decades , and it really isn ’ t a huge deal .
Anyway , I promise you this : We ’ re going to look back on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m 125 and laugh.
” At press time , the centenarian had died immediately after opening his door and being exposed to the outside world .

BALTIMORE—Stressing that the pandemic represented nothing more than mass hysteria dreamed up in the newspapers, 123-year-old Milton Hammond told reporters Thursday that he was not going to let the coronavirus stop him from hanging out with his friends. “Everyone is panicking about this thing, but as far as I can tell, this is just the periodicals blowing a little flu out of proportion,” said Hammond, who was born in the late 19th century, noting that after surviving the Great Baltimore Fire, 1918 Spanish Flu, and an extended period living in a Maryland-based Hooverville, he felt fine stepping out for a little drink and pinochle over at his buddy’s place. “They say I need to stay inside to protect my 100-year-old children and 75-year-old grandchildren, and I get that. But come on! We’re all going to be fine. Plus, I’ve already been on a ventilator for the past few decades, and it really isn’t a huge deal. Anyway, I promise you this: We’re going to look back on this in a couple years when I’m 125 and laugh.” At press time, the centenarian had died immediately after opening his door and being exposed to the outside world.


theonion--2020-03-19--Woman Annoyed Cat Would Rather Play With Hair Tie Than Expensive Gaming Console She Bought It

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing frustration with the lack of appreciation that the recent purchase had garnered , local woman Kate Wheeler was reportedly annoyed Thursday that her cat would rather play with a hair tie than the expensive gaming console she had bought it .
“ The guy at GameStop said the Nintendo Switch was popular with hardcore and casual gamers , but little did I know , all Kiki wants is a hair elastic to bat around , ” said Wheeler , 29 , bemoaning that she spent her hard-earned cash on an extra controller and headset to enhance the 4-year-old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ First , I thought she wasn ’ t into open-world stuff , so I got her Mario Kart 8 Deluxe , but she ’ s still only mildly interested in the power cord .
You ’ d assume based on how much she likes the laser pointer she ’ d go nuts about the dual-screen graphics .
I ’ ve tried everything—changing the button layout , sprinkling catnip on the controllers—but still , it looks like it was $ 400 straight down the drain.
” At press time , Wheeler had purchased a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ partial to PC gaming .

SAN FRANCISCO—Expressing frustration with the lack of appreciation that the recent purchase had garnered, local woman Kate Wheeler was reportedly annoyed Thursday that her cat would rather play with a hair tie than the expensive gaming console she had bought it. “The guy at GameStop said the Nintendo Switch was popular with hardcore and casual gamers, but little did I know, all Kiki wants is a hair elastic to bat around,” said Wheeler, 29, bemoaning that she spent her hard-earned cash on an extra controller and headset to enhance the 4-year-old feline’s gaming experience. “First, I thought she wasn’t into open-world stuff, so I got her Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, but she’s still only mildly interested in the power cord. You’d assume based on how much she likes the laser pointer she’d go nuts about the dual-screen graphics. I’ve tried everything—changing the button layout, sprinkling catnip on the controllers—but still, it looks like it was $400 straight down the drain.” At press time, Wheeler had purchased a high-performance laptop in case her cat was partial to PC gaming.


theonion--2020-03-19--6 Startling Before And After Photos Of Meth Users

In recent years , the recreational use of methamphetamine has skyrocketed in the United States .
While the drug imposes @ @ @ @ @ long-term deteriorative effects on the user ’ s cognitive abilities , its immediate impact on @ @ @ @ @ is perhaps even more astonishing .
The man pictured above is Carl Nesbitt of Swampscott @ @ @ @ @ was taken before he began smoking crystal meth .

In recent years, the recreational use of methamphetamine has skyrocketed in the United States. While the drug imposes a range of short- and long-term deteriorative effects on the user’s cognitive abilities, its immediate impact on one’s physical appearance is perhaps even more astonishing. The man pictured above is Carl Nesbitt of Swampscott, MA. This photo was taken before he began smoking crystal meth.


theonion--2020-03-19--Triumphant Jared Kushner Announces Plan To Move CDC Headquarters To Jerusalem

WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak , President Donald Trump ’ s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner triumphantly announced his new plan Thursday to move the Centers for Disease Control headquarters to Jerusalem .
“ The dire situation with the coronavirus demands bold solutions , and the time is now to move the CDC headquarters thousands of miles across the Atlantic , ” said Kushner , gesturing to a map of the West Bank and indicating that a Palestinian neighborhood would need to be paved over to begin construction on the state-of-the-art facility .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ for a few months so we can get started , once everything is up and running , we ’ ll be able to address this pandemic from one of the world ’ s most historically significant cities .
We ’ re taking the world ’ s best doctors , scientists , epidemiologists , and immunologists to an entirely different continent to solve this global crisis .
Finally , we ’ ll be able to streamline collaboration between the CDC and the U.S. Israeli Embassy.
” At press time , Kushner announced further plans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s holy sites for CDC employees who may be homesick for Atlanta .

WASHINGTON—Celebrating his own ingenuity in the face of the Covid-19 outbreak, President Donald Trump’s senior advisor and son-in-law Jared Kushner triumphantly announced his new plan Thursday to move the Centers for Disease Control headquarters to Jerusalem. “The dire situation with the coronavirus demands bold solutions, and the time is now to move the CDC headquarters thousands of miles across the Atlantic,” said Kushner, gesturing to a map of the West Bank and indicating that a Palestinian neighborhood would need to be paved over to begin construction on the state-of-the-art facility. “While all operations will be delayed for a few months so we can get started, once everything is up and running, we’ll be able to address this pandemic from one of the world’s most historically significant cities. We’re taking the world’s best doctors, scientists, epidemiologists, and immunologists to an entirely different continent to solve this global crisis. Finally, we’ll be able to streamline collaboration between the CDC and the U.S. Israeli Embassy.” At press time, Kushner announced further plans to build strip clubs on Jerusalem’s holy sites for CDC employees who may be homesick for Atlanta.


theonion--2020-03-19--Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined

Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined Indoors

NEW YORK CITY—Letting out deep , powerful grunts that echoed throughout the area ’ s countless deserted storefronts , thousands of formerly endangered white rhinos flooded the streets of New York City Thursday mere days after residents were quarantined indoors .
“ After just a week of human isolation , this once-dying species has come back with a vengeance and is now stampeding through Manhattan , Brooklyn , and Queens , ” said NYU Professor of Biology Jasmine Damcot , who added that the 5,000-pound animals appear to be multiplying exponentially and have been spotted sprinting through Times Square , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and ramming their horns into glass windows along Fifth Avenue .
“ Without humans in the picture , it ’ s been remarkable to watch these rhinos recover and quickly inhabit every abandoned subway platform and empty bodega they can find .
Frankly , if it weren ’ t for the resurgence of Bengal tigers and polar bears on Staten Island , I think we ’ d be seeing a lot more of them.
” At press time , the white rhino had once again been classified as an endangered species after a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ apartment to go pick up some paper towels at a local 7-Eleven .

NEW YORK CITY—Letting out deep, powerful grunts that echoed throughout the area’s countless deserted storefronts, thousands of formerly endangered white rhinos flooded the streets of New York City Thursday mere days after residents were quarantined indoors. “After just a week of human isolation, this once-dying species has come back with a vengeance and is now stampeding through Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Queens,” said NYU Professor of Biology Jasmine Damcot, who added that the 5,000-pound animals appear to be multiplying exponentially and have been spotted sprinting through Times Square, sunning themselves on the Brooklyn Bridge, and ramming their horns into glass windows along Fifth Avenue. “Without humans in the picture, it’s been remarkable to watch these rhinos recover and quickly inhabit every abandoned subway platform and empty bodega they can find. Frankly, if it weren’t for the resurgence of Bengal tigers and polar bears on Staten Island, I think we’d be seeing a lot more of them.” At press time, the white rhino had once again been classified as an endangered species after a single New York City resident left his apartment to go pick up some paper towels at a local 7-Eleven.


theonion--2020-03-20--NASA Announces They Definitely Just Destroyed An Asteroid

A really big one , too .
Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation , @ @ @ @ @ ones to thank for saving us all .
The Topical is presented by Cash App @ @ @ @ @ app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google @ @ @ @ @ promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App @ @ @ @ @ Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

A really big one, too. Hear how close NASA officials say the Earth was to total annihilation, and why they are the ones to thank for saving us all.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-03-20--Aquarium Lets Penguins Take Tour Of Premises During Coronavirus Shutdown

In a video that has since gone viral , penguins at Chicago ’ s Shedd Aquarium were given the opportunity @ @ @ @ @ visit animals in other exhibits this week as the facility closed its doors to the @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ But then they locked them back up again right ?
” “ @ @ @ @ @ at home with my goddamn family.
” “ Did th ey have to pay extra @ @ @ @ @ ?
”

In a video that has since gone viral, penguins at Chicago’s Shedd Aquarium were given the opportunity to explore the premises and visit animals in other exhibits this week as the facility closed its doors to the public. What do you think?
“But then they locked them back up again right?” Jonathan Tarantina • Centipede Rehabilitator
“And here I am trapped at home with my goddamn family.” AJ Hendershott • Scooter Engineer
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theonion--2020-03-20--Experts Warn Americans Could Still Be Dealing With Coronavirus As Late As Tomorrow Afternoon

WASHINGTON—Warning that the deadly COVID-19 virus could continue to plague the United States for far longer than previously expected , experts from the CDC announced Friday that Americans could still be dealing with coronavirus as late as tomorrow afternoon .
“ According to our most recent projections , residents in all 50 states could still be coping with the fallout from this pandemic through tonight , tomorrow morning , and if we ’ re severely unlucky , even past 1 or 2 p.m. the next day , ” said CDC spokesman Dr. Michael Craine , adding that at the rate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could continue contracting the disease in untold numbers , perhaps even into the dozens .
“ While we understand the last week has been extraordinarily difficult , we want to emphasize that this isn ’ t over yet , and households should stock up for the next 24 hours , and have enough food and water for at least three more meals .
Unfortunately , these worst-case-scenario models show that things may not really begin to feel normal until Monday when schools and workplaces reopen.
” At press time , economists warned Americans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and expect to lose as many as 10 jobs in the coming days .

WASHINGTON—Warning that the deadly COVID-19 virus could continue to plague the United States for far longer than previously expected, experts from the CDC announced Friday that Americans could still be dealing with coronavirus as late as tomorrow afternoon. “According to our most recent projections, residents in all 50 states could still be coping with the fallout from this pandemic through tonight, tomorrow morning, and if we’re severely unlucky, even past 1 or 2 p.m. the next day,” said CDC spokesman Dr. Michael Craine, adding that at the rate the disease is currently spreading, Americans could continue contracting the disease in untold numbers, perhaps even into the dozens. “While we understand the last week has been extraordinarily difficult, we want to emphasize that this isn’t over yet, and households should stock up for the next 24 hours, and have enough food and water for at least three more meals. Unfortunately, these worst-case-scenario models show that things may not really begin to feel normal until Monday when schools and workplaces reopen.” At press time, economists warned Americans that they should brace for a recession, and expect to lose as many as 10 jobs in the coming days.


theonion--2020-03-20--Amazing Lore: ‘Doom Eternal’ Creators Confirm Every Demon You Fight In The Game Went To Hell For Mas

Amazing Lore: ‘Doom Eternal’ Creators Confirm Every Demon You Fight In The Game Went To Hell For Masturbating As Teenagers

We all know the 2016 ’ s Doom was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay , but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever .
But even the most hardcore fan is going to be amazed by the developer ’ s recent reveal that every demon you fight in the sequel Doom Eternal went to hell for masturbating as a teenager .
That ’ s right !
id Software just confirmed that all the hellspawn you must @ @ @ @ @ @ @ originally condemned to the fires of hell for all eternity for pleasuring themselves to fashion catalogs and softcore Cinemax pornography in their formative years .
“ We know there ’ s been speculation about the origin of the demonic forces in Doom , so we ’ re excited to officially confirm fan theories that the game ’ s antagonists were given their ghastly forms as punishment for getting sexually aroused by a Victoria ’ s Secret advertisement while they were home sick from school , ” series director Hugo Martin told OGN , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had been imbued with a hideous spider-like form for staying up late in eighth grade to watch the scrambled Spice channel in his bedroom .
Martin went on to note that—while not in any way referenced in-game—the studio designed elaborate onanism-based backstories for every single demonic foe that you kill , stressing that the stronger the demon , the more they sinned against God by committing the sin of self-pleasure .
For example , he indicated that the three Hell Priests each separately torrented Hustler videos on the family ’ s shared computer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ masturbating into a tube sock .
“ One of the enemies we ’ re most proud of is the leader of the Maykrs , Khan Maykr , who achieved her rank in hell for committing the ultimate sin of using a vibrator while fantasizing about a crush from geometry class , ” he continued .
“ In fact , the primary motivation for these characters invading Earth is an attempt to slake their depraved lust for self-abuse and sexually-suggestive photographs.
” So , there you have it , gamers !
Thanks to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s even more depth to explore in one of the greatest video game franchises of all time .
Happy slaying !

We all know the 2016’s Doom was a reboot beloved for its nonstop action and face-melting gunplay, but below that hardcore surface lay thousands of tiny details that developer id Software agonized over to create one of the most fine-tuned first-person shooter experiences ever. But even the most hardcore fan is going to be amazed by the developer’s recent reveal that every demon you fight in the sequel Doom Eternal went to hell for masturbating as a teenager.
That’s right! id Software just confirmed that all the hellspawn you must slay in order to protect Earth were originally condemned to the fires of hell for all eternity for pleasuring themselves to fashion catalogs and softcore Cinemax pornography in their formative years.
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“We know there’s been speculation about the origin of the demonic forces in Doom, so we’re excited to officially confirm fan theories that the game’s antagonists were given their ghastly forms as punishment for getting sexually aroused by a Victoria’s Secret advertisement while they were home sick from school,” series director Hugo Martin told OGN, noting that antagonists such as the Arachnotron had been imbued with a hideous spider-like form for staying up late in eighth grade to watch the scrambled Spice channel in his bedroom.
Martin went on to note that—while not in any way referenced in-game—the studio designed elaborate onanism-based backstories for every single demonic foe that you kill, stressing that the stronger the demon, the more they sinned against God by committing the sin of self-pleasure. For example, he indicated that the three Hell Priests each separately torrented Hustler videos on the family’s shared computer as 13-year-olds, before giving up and masturbating into a tube sock.
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“One of the enemies we’re most proud of is the leader of the Maykrs, Khan Maykr, who achieved her rank in hell for committing the ultimate sin of using a vibrator while fantasizing about a crush from geometry class,” he continued. “In fact, the primary motivation for these characters invading Earth is an attempt to slake their depraved lust for self-abuse and sexually-suggestive photographs.”
So, there you have it, gamers! Thanks to the master storytellers at Bethesda, there’s even more depth to explore in one of the greatest video game franchises of all time. Happy slaying!


theonion--2020-03-20--Trump Orders Manufacturers To Drastically Ramp Up Production Of Hospital Gift Shop Supplies

WASHINGTON—In an effort to equip the nation ’ s medical centers for the exponential increase in patients seeking treatment for coronavirus , President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday that requires manufacturers to quickly and dramatically ramp up production of hospital gift shop supplies .
“ This is a vital industry , and we must ensure the gift retailers in America ’ s hospitals do not face dangerous shortages of fruit baskets , plush dolls , light-hearted get-well-soon cards , and inscribed keepsake candles , ” the commander-in-chief said as he called upon the entire manufacturing sector to marshal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scented shea-butter soap , beaded jewelry , novelty coffee mugs , and word-find games that would be necessary to prevent rationing in hospitals .
“ Even under the most optimistic scenario , we ’ ll need to turn out 500 % more singing teddy bears and Mylar balloons , while overseeing a tenfold increase in print runs of Chicken Soup For The Soul books .
The hardworking men and women in our hospitals shouldn ’ t be put in triage situations in which they have to decide who gets a throw pillow embroidered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t. ” Trump added that if necessary , he will seize control of and repurpose factories currently making less critical medical devices in order to maintain adequate inventories of kettle-corn gift tins .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to equip the nation’s medical centers for the exponential increase in patients seeking treatment for coronavirus, President Donald Trump issued an executive order Friday that requires manufacturers to quickly and dramatically ramp up production of hospital gift shop supplies. “This is a vital industry, and we must ensure the gift retailers in America’s hospitals do not face dangerous shortages of fruit baskets, plush dolls, light-hearted get-well-soon cards, and inscribed keepsake candles,” the commander-in-chief said as he called upon the entire manufacturing sector to marshal its resources to produce the quantities of scented shea-butter soap, beaded jewelry, novelty coffee mugs, and word-find games that would be necessary to prevent rationing in hospitals. “Even under the most optimistic scenario, we’ll need to turn out 500% more singing teddy bears and Mylar balloons, while overseeing a tenfold increase in print runs of Chicken Soup For The Soul books. The hardworking men and women in our hospitals shouldn’t be put in triage situations in which they have to decide who gets a throw pillow embroidered with an inspirational quote and who doesn’t.” Trump added that if necessary, he will seize control of and repurpose factories currently making less critical medical devices in order to maintain adequate inventories of kettle-corn gift tins.


theonion--2020-03-20--Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores

NORTHWOOD , NH—Isolated and desperate for a fun new hobby or pastime in the face of social-distancing measures implemented to fight Covid-19 , hysterical mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores across the country , sources confirmed Friday .
“ People were grabbing up the jigsaws , the crosswords , the sudokus—even climbing over each other to get to the Rubik ’ s Cubes , if you can believe that , ” said Howard Beaman , owner of the now-devastated Piece Time Puzzles , one of several hundred such specialty stores that reportedly had their windows smashed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ panicked Americans stuck at home and in dire need of a suitable diversion .
“ Probably did $ 10,000 of damage to my establishment alone .
I watched someone punch an old woman in the throat just to get her hands on a book of riddles .
But I ’ ve always said there ’ s a real ugly side of humanity that comes out when people are faced with a limited supply of 5,000-piece landscape scenes and decide to turn on one another.
” At press time , reports indicated that online @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cats sleeping on bookshelves for $ 800 each , plus shipping .

NORTHWOOD, NH—Isolated and desperate for a fun new hobby or pastime in the face of social-distancing measures implemented to fight Covid-19, hysterical mobs of violently bored citizens have begun looting puzzle stores across the country, sources confirmed Friday. “People were grabbing up the jigsaws, the crosswords, the sudokus—even climbing over each other to get to the Rubik’s Cubes, if you can believe that,” said Howard Beaman, owner of the now-devastated Piece Time Puzzles, one of several hundred such specialty stores that reportedly had their windows smashed and saw their entire inventories seized by panicked Americans stuck at home and in dire need of a suitable diversion. “Probably did $10,000 of damage to my establishment alone. I watched someone punch an old woman in the throat just to get her hands on a book of riddles. But I’ve always said there’s a real ugly side of humanity that comes out when people are faced with a limited supply of 5,000-piece landscape scenes and decide to turn on one another.” At press time, reports indicated that online resellers were offering 500-piece jigsaw puzzles of cats sleeping on bookshelves for $800 each, plus shipping.


theonion--2020-03-20--TV Shows Donate Medical Supplies To Hospitals Amid Pandemic

Medical and first-responder dramas The Resident , The Good Doctor , and Station 19 have donated personal protective equipment normally @ @ @ @ @ hospitals as health centers struggle with supply shortages amidst the Covid-19 pandemic .
What do @ @ @ @ @ we wouldn ’ t be in this mess if we didn ’ t have so @ @ @ @ @ in the first place.
” “ It ’ s in trying times like these that @ @ @ @ @ dramas we can really count on.
“ “ If hospitals also need any extras to @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m happy to contribute my services .
”

Medical and first-responder dramas The Resident, The Good Doctor, and Station 19 have donated personal protective equipment normally used as costumes to local hospitals as health centers struggle with supply shortages amidst the Covid-19 pandemic. What do you think?
“Maybe we wouldn’t be in this mess if we didn’t have so many medical shows hoarding supplies in the first place.” Rod Zinberg • Forensic Arborist
“It’s in trying times like these that we find out which prime-time dramas we can really count on.“ Nicole Mendoza • Chicken Filleter
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theonion--2020-03-20--Hospital Holding Back Extra Coronavirus Test Kit In Case Josh Duhamel Needs One

BLOOMINGTON , IN—Bracing for what could be the worst of the coronavirus outbreak ahead , Monroe General Hospital was reportedly holding back an extra COVID-19 test kit Friday in case actor Josh Duhamel needed one .
“ This pandemic is forcing us to make hard choices , but Josh Duhamel should know the instant he feels even slightly tired , there ’ s a coronavirus test kit at Monroe Hospital with his name on it , ” said Dr. Jenna Hofer , who noted medical staff weren ’ t confident the Transformers star was even near Indiana , but were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scenario .
“ The second Josh Duhamel needs a ventilator , we ’ re ripping it straight off of an old person .
We , as doctors , took an oath to protect Josh Duhamel .
It would be a great failure of the practice of medicine if the man who played former marine Danny McCoy on NBC ’ s Las Vegas wasn ’ t able to receive a coronavirus test kit .
We ’ re also working with physicians across the country to reserve hospital beds in the event Josh requires a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , doctors were rushing to administer a COVID-19 testing kit to a guy who kind of looked like Brendan Fraser .

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Bracing for what could be the worst of the coronavirus outbreak ahead, Monroe General Hospital was reportedly holding back an extra COVID-19 test kit Friday in case actor Josh Duhamel needed one. “This pandemic is forcing us to make hard choices, but Josh Duhamel should know the instant he feels even slightly tired, there’s a coronavirus test kit at Monroe Hospital with his name on it,” said Dr. Jenna Hofer, who noted medical staff weren’t confident the Transformers star was even near Indiana, but were following procedures to prepare for a worst-case scenario. “The second Josh Duhamel needs a ventilator, we’re ripping it straight off of an old person. We, as doctors, took an oath to protect Josh Duhamel. It would be a great failure of the practice of medicine if the man who played former marine Danny McCoy on NBC’s Las Vegas wasn’t able to receive a coronavirus test kit. We’re also working with physicians across the country to reserve hospital beds in the event Josh requires a test while traveling.” At press time, doctors were rushing to administer a COVID-19 testing kit to a guy who kind of looked like Brendan Fraser.


theonion--2020-03-20--The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

The Dos And Don’ts Of Social Distancing

As the coronavirus spreads , many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing , a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases , but there is widespread confusion over what it means .
The Onion looks at the dos and don ’ ts of social distancing .
DO : Go for a walk every day to remind yourself how outside used to be .
DON ’ T : Eat any food that hasn ’ t first gone through at least one cycle in a washing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at an off-peak time , such as a month ago .
DON ’ T : Feel any pressure to self-isolate until more of your favorite celebrities test positive .
DO : Calmly remind your kids that this is all temporary , so they shouldn ’ t get used to spending quality time with you .
DON ’ T : Beat yourself up for going out on St. Patrick ’ s Day despite ample warnings and directly contributing to the deaths of five grandmas .
DO : Avoid serious introspection into your flaws as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
DON ’ T : Think that this will be over anytime soon .

As the coronavirus spreads, many health experts are calling for Americans to practice social distancing, a process that would limit the passage of the virus between people and avoid a mass outbreak of simultaneous cases, but there is widespread confusion over what it means. The Onion looks at the dos and don’ts of social distancing.
DO: Go for a walk every day to remind yourself how outside used to be.
DON’T: Eat any food that hasn’t first gone through at least one cycle in a washing machine.
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DO: Shop for groceries at an off-peak time, such as a month ago.
DON’T: Feel any pressure to self-isolate until more of your favorite celebrities test positive.
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DO: Calmly remind your kids that this is all temporary, so they shouldn’t get used to spending quality time with you.
DON’T: Beat yourself up for going out on St. Patrick’s Day despite ample warnings and directly contributing to the deaths of five grandmas.
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DO: Avoid serious introspection into your flaws as a friend, partner, and human.
DON’T: Think that this will be over anytime soon.


theonion--2020-03-20--Richard Burr Wondering When Profiting Off Mass Suffering Suddenly Became A Crime In This Country

WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction , North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in this country .
“ Jesus Christ , when did everyone get so uptight about this ?
I remember when we used to celebrate people who used their talent and connections to get rich from death and anguish , ” said Burr , who claimed what he did was no different than what many successful , patriotic Americans have been doing for hundreds of years .
“ Even Tucker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this .
What ’ s the big deal ?
Didn ’ t we all decide this was cool in the 2008 recession ?
Last time I checked , using sensitive information to enrich yourself at the expense of hundreds of millions of other people was totally fine .
I talked to Kelly [ Loeffler ] and Ron [ Johnson ] about cashing out , and nobody even batted an eye .
What ’ s the point of being a senator if you can ’ t profit off the world ’ s problems ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ losing it , but I guess jealous people have decided that becoming rich and powerful from a national tragedy is suddenly evil .
There ’ s something seriously wrong with this country.
” At press time , Burr announced his intentions to resign after shamefully admitting he only pulled in a 22 % return from his insider trading .

WASHINGTON—Admitting he was blindsided by the hysterical reaction to a pretty normal transaction, North Carolina Senator Richard Burr wondered Friday when profiting off mass suffering had suddenly become a crime in this country. “Jesus Christ, when did everyone get so uptight about this? I remember when we used to celebrate people who used their talent and connections to get rich from death and anguish,” said Burr, who claimed what he did was no different than what many successful, patriotic Americans have been doing for hundreds of years. “Even Tucker Carlson is being a little bitch about this. What’s the big deal? Didn’t we all decide this was cool in the 2008 recession? Last time I checked, using sensitive information to enrich yourself at the expense of hundreds of millions of other people was totally fine. I talked to Kelly [Loeffler] and Ron [Johnson] about cashing out, and nobody even batted an eye. What’s the point of being a senator if you can’t profit off the world’s problems? I’m making money, not losing it, but I guess jealous people have decided that becoming rich and powerful from a national tragedy is suddenly evil. There’s something seriously wrong with this country.” At press time, Burr announced his intentions to resign after shamefully admitting he only pulled in a 22% return from his insider trading.