theonion--2020-07-14--Jerry Jones Changes Team’s Name To Redskins Now That It’s Available

ARLINGTON , TX—Jumping at an opportunity that he has reportedly been waiting on for years , Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced Tuesday that he would change the team ’ s name to Redskins now that it is available .
“ Washington has been squatting on that moniker for so long , but I always secretly felt like it was the perfect name for my team , ” said Jones , who revealed he filed the paperwork with the league to change the name within hours of Washington dropping it , and has attempted to trademark the name “ Redskins @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ This name really gets at the heart of what we stand for as a franchise .
This is America ’ s team , and Cowboys is just so generic .
But Redskins has punch , it means something , it symbolizes the values of this country , and that is what I want for my team .
I ’ m just pissed we couldn ’ t get the rights to Chief Wahoo , too.
” At press time , Jones had released market research suggesting that merchandise emblazoned with the Redskins logo @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in Texas than Cowboys apparel .

ARLINGTON, TX—Jumping at an opportunity that he has reportedly been waiting on for years, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced Tuesday that he would change the team’s name to Redskins now that it is available. “Washington has been squatting on that moniker for so long, but I always secretly felt like it was the perfect name for my team,” said Jones, who revealed he filed the paperwork with the league to change the name within hours of Washington dropping it, and has attempted to trademark the name “Redskins” for the next 50 years. “This name really gets at the heart of what we stand for as a franchise. This is America’s team, and Cowboys is just so generic. But Redskins has punch, it means something, it symbolizes the values of this country, and that is what I want for my team. I’m just pissed we couldn’t get the rights to Chief Wahoo, too.” At press time, Jones had released market research suggesting that merchandise emblazoned with the Redskins logo would sell more than four times better in Texas than Cowboys apparel.


theonion--2020-07-14--Los Angeles, San Diego Schools Will Remain Remote-Only This Fall

California ’ s two largest public school districts announced Monday that they have abandoned plans to partially reopen schools later @ @ @ @ @ teach students 100 % online .
What do you think ?
“ I was told @ @ @ @ @ end by September.
” “ This could potentially send the wrong message that teachers ’ @ @ @ @ @ I think we should just have all the kids live at school so they don @ @ @ @ @ .
”

California’s two largest public school districts announced Monday that they have abandoned plans to partially reopen schools later this year and will instead teach students 100% online. What do you think?
“I was told the pandemic was scheduled to end by September.” Gabe Baker • Milk Separator
“This could potentially send the wrong message that teachers’ lives are valued.” Lester Farnworth • Dog Food Engineer
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theonion--2020-07-14--Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-Star

CALABASAS , CA—In an effort to finally set the record straight , actor Will Smith revealed Tuesday that during the film ’ s production in 2018 , he had engaged in a passionate extramarital relationship with his younger Gemini Man co-star .
“ We hit a rough patch in our marriage a few years back , and I found myself locked in an intense relationship with my co-star , ” said Smith , who insisted the affair was “ never predatory ” despite the vast age difference between the two and confirmed rumors that the relationship started at around the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ romantic entanglement with singer August Alsina .
“ I don ’ t even think of it as infidelity because I got tacit permission to pursue this relationship .
It ’ s usually pretty easy for me to separate work and personal life , but never before had I felt such a strong connection .
It was like we had known each other our whole lives—we had more in common than I could ever imagine .
We ’ d shoot our scenes and I would just lose myself in those kind eyes.
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ recalled the end of their relationship after his co-star fell in love with Jada .

CALABASAS, CA—In an effort to finally set the record straight, actor Will Smith revealed Tuesday that during the film’s production in 2018, he had engaged in a passionate extramarital relationship with his younger Gemini Man co-star. “We hit a rough patch in our marriage a few years back, and I found myself locked in an intense relationship with my co-star,” said Smith, who insisted the affair was “never predatory” despite the vast age difference between the two and confirmed rumors that the relationship started at around the same time Jada Pinkett Smith began her romantic entanglement with singer August Alsina. “I don’t even think of it as infidelity because I got tacit permission to pursue this relationship. It’s usually pretty easy for me to separate work and personal life, but never before had I felt such a strong connection. It was like we had known each other our whole lives—we had more in common than I could ever imagine. We’d shoot our scenes and I would just lose myself in those kind eyes.” At press time, a teary eyed Smith recalled the end of their relationship after his co-star fell in love with Jada.


theonion--2020-07-14--Bank Heist Crew Beginning To Question Inclusion Of Entomology Expert

LAS VEGAS , NV—Realizing the complicated high-profile caper they were planning did not , in fact , include the use of insects , a Las Vegas-based bank heist crew found themselves questioning Tuesday the inclusion of a world-class entomologist in their ranks .
“ So , does anyone actually know why Dr. Moerdenson is coming with us ?
” said Cassandra Fiero , a disgraced SAS corporal and the group ’ s demolitions expert , who had previously expressed doubts that the subterranean vault they were training to hit was guarded by Africanized killer bees , venomous beetles , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him around would make sense if we were casing a natural history museum or an exotic zoological garden , but this is , not to put too fine a point on it , a bank .
We couldn ’ t afford to hire a getaway driver , but Moerdenson says not to worry , as he ’ s brought along his tweezers and magnifying glass .
Is he at least , perhaps , an infamous rogue entomologist ?
” At press time , the heist crew ’ s piano tuner , ceramics teacher @ @ @ @ @ @ @ own concerns regarding Moerdenson ’ s inclusion .

LAS VEGAS, NV—Realizing the complicated high-profile caper they were planning did not, in fact, include the use of insects, a Las Vegas-based bank heist crew found themselves questioning Tuesday the inclusion of a world-class entomologist in their ranks. “So, does anyone actually know why Dr. Moerdenson is coming with us?” said Cassandra Fiero, a disgraced SAS corporal and the group’s demolitions expert, who had previously expressed doubts that the subterranean vault they were training to hit was guarded by Africanized killer bees, venomous beetles, or the like. “I suppose having him around would make sense if we were casing a natural history museum or an exotic zoological garden, but this is, not to put too fine a point on it, a bank. We couldn’t afford to hire a getaway driver, but Moerdenson says not to worry, as he’s brought along his tweezers and magnifying glass. Is he at least, perhaps, an infamous rogue entomologist?” At press time, the heist crew’s piano tuner, ceramics teacher, and lyric poet also voiced their own concerns regarding Moerdenson’s inclusion.


theonion--2020-07-14--Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 14, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 14, 2020

The reason for your recent crises of conscience becomes clear this week when you realize the angel from your right @ @ @ @ @ your left have been sleeping together for a year now .

Gemini | May 21 to June 20
The reason for your recent crises of conscience becomes clear this week when you realize the angel from your right shoulder and the devil from your left have been sleeping together for a year now.


theonion--2020-07-14--New York Adds ‘No Deaf Child In Area’ Signs So Drivers Know When They Can Be As Reckless As Possible

Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it @ @ @ @ @ a complete bat out of hell .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

Nearly 400,000 of the traffic signs have gone up around the state in an effort to alert motorists when it is appropriate to drive like a complete bat out of hell.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-15--Nutritionists Admit You Can Just Eat Hot Dogs And Live Like That For Basically Decades

DENVER—Conceding that people can , in fact , survive indefinitely on a daily diet consisting solely of ball park franks , top nutritionists admitted Wednesday that you could just eat hot dogs and live for basically decades .
“ We put a lot of work into formulating dietary guidelines based on discoveries and advancements in the field of food science , but honestly , if you just ate weiners three times a day every day , you ’ d be okay , ” said nutritionist Alison Lawler , noting begrudgingly that a supermarket frankfurter contains sufficient proteins , carbohydrates , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ well into their 80s .
“ You won ’ t be healthy per se , but you ’ d last on hot dogs for years and years .
You wouldn ’ t feel great , you ’ d be a bit weak and tired , but that ’ s about it .
And you ’ d most likely be reasonably happy , because , hey , hot dogs are pretty great .
Now , by no means are we recommending that you stock your pantry full of hot dogs , but we have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be the end of the world.
” At press time , the nutritionists were not available for further comment as they had all gone out for hot dogs .

DENVER—Conceding that people can, in fact, survive indefinitely on a daily diet consisting solely of ball park franks, top nutritionists admitted Wednesday that you could just eat hot dogs and live for basically decades. “We put a lot of work into formulating dietary guidelines based on discoveries and advancements in the field of food science, but honestly, if you just ate wieners three times a day every day, you’d be okay,” said nutritionist Alison Lawler, noting begrudgingly that a supermarket frankfurter contains sufficient proteins, carbohydrates, and minerals to sustain an average human well into their 80s. “You won’t be healthy per se, but you’d last on hot dogs for years and years. You wouldn’t feel great, you’d be a bit weak and tired, but that’s about it. And you’d most likely be reasonably happy, because, hey, hot dogs are pretty great. Now, by no means are we recommending that you stock your pantry full of hot dogs, but we have to admit, that wouldn’t be the end of the world.” At press time, the nutritionists were not available for further comment as they had all gone out for hot dogs.


theonion--2020-07-15--New Report Links Nationwide Decline In Mental Health To Not Being Able To Eat Inside Hard Rock Cafe

CAMBRIDGE , MA—Providing an explanation for the burgeoning mental health crisis , researchers at Harvard University published a report Wednesday showing the nationwide decline in psychological wellbeing was linked to an inability to eat inside a Hard Rock Cafe .
“ After extensive research , we can state with a high degree of certainty that the largest contributing factor to increased anxiety and depression through the U.S. is not being able to enjoy a Legendary Steakburger or One Night In Bangkok Spicy Shrimp surrounded by iconic music memorabilia , ” said lead researcher Gisenda Martin , confirming that while stopgap @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scrolling through the Hard Rock online store could provide temporary relief , they weren ’ t enough to treat the underlying psychological distress .
“ We ’ re beginning to see something of a ‘ shadow pandemic ’ in the aftermath of coronavirus closures , and unfortunately , all we can do at this point is to buckle down and get through it .
And hopefully soon , we ’ ll be sipping on Rockin ’ Fresh Ritas beneath a gown worn by Dolly Parton or Bon Jovi ’ s guitar.
” Martin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not to let poor mental health lead them to harmful behaviors like dining at the Rainforest Cafe .

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Providing an explanation for the burgeoning mental health crisis, researchers at Harvard University published a report Wednesday showing the nationwide decline in psychological wellbeing was linked to an inability to eat inside a Hard Rock Cafe. “After extensive research, we can state with a high degree of certainty that the largest contributing factor to increased anxiety and depression through the U.S. is not being able to enjoy a Legendary Steakburger or One Night In Bangkok Spicy Shrimp surrounded by iconic music memorabilia,” said lead researcher Gisenda Martin, confirming that while stopgap measures such as ordering curbside pickup or scrolling through the Hard Rock online store could provide temporary relief, they weren’t enough to treat the underlying psychological distress. “We’re beginning to see something of a ‘shadow pandemic’ in the aftermath of coronavirus closures, and unfortunately, all we can do at this point is to buckle down and get through it. And hopefully soon, we’ll be sipping on Rockin’ Fresh Ritas beneath a gown worn by Dolly Parton or Bon Jovi’s guitar.” Martin added that it was crucial for Americans not to let poor mental health lead them to harmful behaviors like dining at the Rainforest Cafe.


theonion--2020-07-15--Wells Fargo Orders Employees To Delete TikTok Citing Security Concerns

Wells Fargo has asked employees who have downloaded TikTok on company cell phones to delete the app immediately due to @ @ @ @ @ company could hand over sensitive data to the Chinese government , a concern that cybersecurity @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ They can ’ t stop me from being @ @ @ @ @ ’ m off the clock.
” “ Smart , they certainly don ’ t want @ @ @ @ @ any sensitive internal dances.
” “ Now what are those guys going to do all @ @ @ @ @ Fargo ?
”

Wells Fargo has asked employees who have downloaded TikTok on company cell phones to delete the app immediately due to fears the Beijing-based social media company could hand over sensitive data to the Chinese government, a concern that cybersecurity experts say is largely hypothetical. What do you think?
“They can’ t stop me from being a 13-year-old influencer when I’m off the clock.” Sasha Curtis • Bank Teller
“Smart, they certainly don’t want to give China access to any sensitive internal dances.” Mel Ballesteros • Almond Roaster
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theonion--2020-07-16--Panicked Officials Agree To Reopen Gyms After Disastrous 85% Drop In Nation’s Chiseled Studs

BOSTON—Addressing a precipitous nationwide decline in bicep circumference , pectoral definition , and rigid , beautifully cut abs , panicked officials in every state announced Thursday they would immediately reopen gyms following a catastrophic 85 percent drop in chiseled studs across the country .
“ Cutting off access to free-weight stations and circuit-training machines as the nation ’ s gorgeously sculpted male physiques atrophy before our eyes would not only represent a failure of leadership , but would almost certainly lead to a full-blown shortage of grade-A American beefcake , ” Massachusetts Gov .
Charlie Baker wrote in a statement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that even with the immediate reopening of fitness centers , it could take years for the now-lumpy U.S. populace to replenish the once-bountiful supplies of eye candy lost over the past three months .
“ From the muscle beaches of this nation ’ s shores to the CrossFit classes of Main Street , hard bodies that once wouldn ’ t quit are now softening at alarming rates .
We don ’ t want to survive this epidemic only to find ourselves completely deprived of really top-notch , primo displays of manflesh .
Every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hunkiest , most jacked specimens among us deflate a bit more .
This nightmare ends today.
” At press time , Baker was overheard lamenting the fact that he could no longer bounce a quarter off the ass of any of his constituents

BOSTON—Addressing a precipitous nationwide decline in bicep circumference, pectoral definition, and rigid, beautifully cut abs, panicked officials in every state announced Thursday they would immediately reopen gyms following a catastrophic 85 percent drop in chiseled studs across the country. “Cutting off access to free-weight stations and circuit-training machines as the nation’s gorgeously sculpted male physiques atrophy before our eyes would not only represent a failure of leadership, but would almost certainly lead to a full-blown shortage of grade-A American beefcake,” Massachusetts Gov. Charlie Baker wrote in a statement endorsed by all 50 governors, adding that even with the immediate reopening of fitness centers, it could take years for the now-lumpy U.S. populace to replenish the once-bountiful supplies of eye candy lost over the past three months. “From the muscle beaches of this nation’s shores to the CrossFit classes of Main Street, hard bodies that once wouldn’t quit are now softening at alarming rates. We don’t want to survive this epidemic only to find ourselves completely deprived of really top-notch, primo displays of manflesh. Every day that gyms remain closed, the hunkiest, most jacked specimens among us deflate a bit more. This nightmare ends today.” At press time, Baker was overheard lamenting the fact that he could no longer bounce a quarter off the ass of any of his constituents


theonion--2020-07-16--Melania Trump Figures It’s Time To Sit Barron Down And Tell Him He Was Bred For His Organs

WASHINGTON—Reflecting that the moment had finally come for the difficult conversation , Melania Trump reportedly took some time Thursday to sit Barron down and tell him he was bred for his organs .
“ Listen , Barron , now that you ’ re 14 , you ’ re old enough for me to tell you the truth , which is that you ’ re essentially a walking organ bank , ” said the first lady , assuring her son that this revelation didn ’ t change the way she and her husband felt about him , and that it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could inform as little or as much of Barron ’ s identity as he decided .
“ You ’ re a wonderful young man , and your daddy and I don ’ t love you any less just because if we ever have organ failure , we ’ re going to harvest you for your liver or , say , one of your kidneys .
I know it ’ s a lot to take in , so I understand if you ’ re feeling confused right now , or maybe even angry , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m still your mother and I ’ m still here for you whenever you need me , from now until you go under the knife.
” Melania Trump reportedly closed the conversation by telling Barron that if he wanted to , someday he could meet the people who bought his excess organs .

WASHINGTON—Reflecting that the moment had finally come for the difficult conversation, Melania Trump reportedly took some time Thursday to sit Barron down and tell him he was bred for his organs. “Listen, Barron, now that you’re 14, you’re old enough for me to tell you the truth, which is that you’re essentially a walking organ bank,” said the first lady, assuring her son that this revelation didn’t change the way she and her husband felt about him, and that it was simply a detail about his life that could inform as little or as much of Barron’s identity as he decided. “You’re a wonderful young man, and your daddy and I don’t love you any less just because if we ever have organ failure, we’re going to harvest you for your liver or, say, one of your kidneys. I know it’s a lot to take in, so I understand if you’re feeling confused right now, or maybe even angry, but I want you to know that I’m still your mother and I’m still here for you whenever you need me, from now until you go under the knife.” Melania Trump reportedly closed the conversation by telling Barron that if he wanted to, someday he could meet the people who bought his excess organs.


theonion--2020-07-16--Father’s Increasingly Virulent Racism Excused Because Of How Difficult It Is For Him To Get Out Of C

Father’s Increasingly Virulent Racism Excused Because Of How Difficult It Is For Him To Get Out Of Chair Now

CHARLOTTE , NC—Noting how sad it made her family to see the 84-year-old looking so old and frail , local woman Janice Hartley told reporters Thursday that her father ’ s inability to get out of his chair now had excused his increasingly virulent racism .
“ It ’ s just so sad—he used to be fairly active , but now he just sits in his recliner all day watching the news and going on unhinged rants against immigrants and minorities , ” said Hartley , adding that her family had recently turned a blind eye to his racist comments @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after bending over to pick up a TV remote that had fallen on the floor .
“ Look , if you ’ d asked me two years ago if I ’ d have called him out for describing a Hispanic grocery clerk with a string of slurs , I definitely would have said yes .
But look at him—he ’ s got the shakes , and one of his eyes is getting cloudy .
How am I supposed to get into it with my dad when every time I try , he lets @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s going to die ?
” At press time , Hartley told reporters that her father had taken a nasty fall , which had also excused his disgusting comments against Muslims , Jews , and the LGBT+ community .

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how sad it made her family to see the 84-year-old looking so old and frail, local woman Janice Hartley told reporters Thursday that her father’s inability to get out of his chair now had excused his increasingly virulent racism. “It’s just so sad—he used to be fairly active, but now he just sits in his recliner all day watching the news and going on unhinged rants against immigrants and minorities,” said Hartley, adding that her family had recently turned a blind eye to his racist comments when they noticed how winded he looked after bending over to pick up a TV remote that had fallen on the floor. “Look, if you’d asked me two years ago if I’d have called him out for describing a Hispanic grocery clerk with a string of slurs, I definitely would have said yes. But look at him—he’s got the shakes, and one of his eyes is getting cloudy. How am I supposed to get into it with my dad when every time I try, he lets out a terrible cough and sounds like he’s going to die?” At press time, Hartley told reporters that her father had taken a nasty fall, which had also excused his disgusting comments against Muslims, Jews, and the LGBT+ community.


theonion--2020-07-16--Mike Greenberg Encouraged To Wear Mask To Help Prevent Spread Of Inane Commentary

NEW YORK—Insisting that the sports media giant was doing everything in its power to protect vulnerable groups , ESPN officials @ @ @ @ @ Mike Greenberg to wear a face mask to help prevent the spread of inane commentary @ @ @ @ @ taking every necessary precaution to make sure Mike ’ s pointless babble doesn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ said ESPN president James Pitaro , noting a significant improvement in company health after he @ @ @ @ @ a mask and face shield .
“ Studies have shown that masks are 95 % @ @ @ @ @ about the NBA bubble .
Ideally , nobody would be exposed to Mike Greenberg at @ @ @ @ @ isn ’ t possible right now .
We ’ re taking this problem seriously because @ @ @ @ @ no matter your age or race.
” At press time , ESPN extended the mask @ @ @ @ @ who were exposed to Greenberg ’ s analysis had a 10 % mortality rate .

NEW YORK—Insisting that the sports media giant was doing everything in its power to protect vulnerable groups, ESPN officials encouraged Get Up! host Mike Greenberg to wear a face mask to help prevent the spread of inane commentary. “We’re taking every necessary precaution to make sure Mike’s pointless babble doesn’t contaminate the studio,” said ESPN president James Pitaro, noting a significant improvement in company health after he required Max Kellerman to wear a mask and face shield. “Studies have shown that masks are 95% effective at muffling lukewarm ramblings about the NBA bubble. Ideally, nobody would be exposed to Mike Greenberg at all, but that just isn’t possible right now. We’re taking this problem seriously because it can affect everyone, no matter your age or race.” At press time, ESPN extended the mask requirement after learning elderly Americans who were exposed to Greenberg’s analysis had a 10% mortality rate.


theonion--2020-07-16--Another Audubon Society Board Meeting Derailed By Members Scoffing Over Proportions Of Tweety Bird

NEW YORK—Finding themselves once again unable to progress through even a third of their agenda , the Audubon Society found themselves once again mired in controversy Thursday when an unprecedented fourth consecutive board meeting was derailed as attendees spent the bulk of their allotted time scoffing at cartoon character Tweety Bird ’ s “ preposterous proportions.
” “ That monstrous head , that cephalic disaster , that over-swollen brainpan—my goodness , no bird has ever resembled or ever will resemble this abomination , ” one anonymous member was quoted as saying in the meeting ’ s barely legible minutes , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the same cycles of Looney Tunes-inspired outrage that have plagued the Audubon Society since 1941 , consistently eclipsing the itinerary ’ s urgent budget and fundraising issues .
“ Are we to believe this thing , this mutant , this veritable caricature , a flightless fowl with the eyes of a human and the vestigial wings of a dodo , is of the species Serinus canaria domestica ?
Why , the very idea !
And what of those , shall we say , inflated feet—in an aspect greater than the entirety of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ such an avian creature— for I shall not deign to call it by the name of bird—how does it walk ?
Perch ?
Peck for seed without over-toppling itself ?
Outrageous !
Appalling !
An affront to nature !
An unconscionable mockery of our work !
” At press time , the Audubon Society ’ s governing board once again delivered a letter to Warner Bros. demanding the studio “ answer for the absurd liberties they have taken with ornithology , and the utter disregard of reason , taxonomy , and evolutionary principle @ @ @ @ @ @

NEW YORK—Finding themselves once again unable to progress through even a third of their agenda, the Audubon Society found themselves once again mired in controversy Thursday when an unprecedented fourth consecutive board meeting was derailed as attendees spent the bulk of their allotted time scoffing at cartoon character Tweety Bird’s “preposterous proportions.” “That monstrous head, that cephalic disaster, that over-swollen brainpan—my goodness, no bird has ever resembled or ever will resemble this abomination,” one anonymous member was quoted as saying in the meeting’s barely legible minutes, which indicated that all discussion devolved into the same cycles of Looney Tunes-inspired outrage that have plagued the Audubon Society since 1941, consistently eclipsing the itinerary’s urgent budget and fundraising issues. “Are we to believe this thing, this mutant, this veritable caricature, a flightless fowl with the eyes of a human and the vestigial wings of a dodo, is of the species Serinus canaria domestica? Why, the very idea! And what of those, shall we say, inflated feet—in an aspect greater than the entirety of the ludicrously small body—how is one to presume such an avian creature— for I shall not deign to call it by the name of bird—how does it walk? Perch? Peck for seed without over-toppling itself? Outrageous! Appalling! An affront to nature! An unconscionable mockery of our work!” At press time, the Audubon Society’s governing board once again delivered a letter to Warner Bros. demanding the studio “answer for the absurd liberties they have taken with ornithology, and the utter disregard of reason, taxonomy, and evolutionary principle,” receiving no response.


theonion--2020-07-16--Fisher-Price Introduces New Bungee Jumperoo For Thrill-Seeking Babies

EAST AURORA , NY—Calling the activity center “ perfect for newborns as well the most hardened young adrenaline junkies , @ @ @ @ @ Bungee Jumperoo Thursday for thrill-seeking babies .
“ Whether your infant is diving off a @ @ @ @ @ from a rocky New Zealand cliff , the Fisher-Price Bungee Jumperoo offers babies stunning 360-degree @ @ @ @ @ Gs of force , ” said Fisher-Price spokesperson Chuck Larson , who touted the toy @ @ @ @ @ chew-proof elastic cording , and colorful safari creature baubles that are guaranteed to “ make @ @ @ @ @ drop.
” “ Simply attach the base to the edge of a 400-foot dropoff , @ @ @ @ @ triple-reinforced harness , and let them fly .
Not only will they experience an unparalleled @ @ @ @ @ studies have shown that using a Bungee Jumperoo helps prepare young daredevils for a life @ @ @ @ @ , and free climbing.
” At press time , Fisher-Price announced it had recalled the @ @ @ @ @ was found in the product ’ s dye .

EAST AURORA, NY—Calling the activity center “perfect for newborns as well the most hardened young adrenaline junkies,” Fisher-Price introduced a new Bungee Jumperoo Thursday for thrill-seeking babies. “Whether your infant is diving off a bridge in Austria or plummeting from a rocky New Zealand cliff, the Fisher-Price Bungee Jumperoo offers babies stunning 360-degree views and a whopping 9 Gs of force,” said Fisher-Price spokesperson Chuck Larson, who touted the toy’s light-up carabineers, chew-proof elastic cording, and colorful safari creature baubles that are guaranteed to “make your newborn’s stomach drop.” “Simply attach the base to the edge of a 400-foot dropoff, strap your child into the triple-reinforced harness, and let them fly. Not only will they experience an unparalleled adrenaline high, but multiple studies have shown that using a Bungee Jumperoo helps prepare young daredevils for a life of skydiving, BASE jumping, and free climbing.” At press time, Fisher-Price announced it had recalled the Jumperoo after a dangerous chemical was found in the product’s dye.


theonion--2020-07-16--Congress Passes Bill To Build New 35-Mile Overpass Capable Of Housing Millions Of Evicted Americans

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help ease the economic burden of the coronavirus pandemic , Congress passed a new bill Wednesday that approved $ 3 trillion in funding for a 35-mile overpass capable of housing millions of recently evicted U.S. citizens .
“ We know the American people are struggling , and we are thrilled to finally be able to offer them substantive relief in the form of this massive bridge structure that they can huddle under to avoid the elements , ” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi , telling reporters that the overpass authorized by bill H.R .
487 would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and wind as well as a generous 5-foot median to give a wide swath of unhoused Americans a place to sleep .
“ All men , women , and children participating in the program will automatically be given a supply of trash bags and old grocery circulars , and we ’ re also thrilled to announce that $ 12 billion has already been earmarked for the manufacture of shopping carts for carrying belongings .
We know times are tough , but together , we will get through this pandemic.
” Pelosi added that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ use would not be tolerated and much of the allocated funding would go towards weekly police sweeps of the overpass to ensure compliance .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to help ease the economic burden of the coronavirus pandemic, Congress passed a new bill Wednesday that approved $3 trillion in funding for a 35-mile overpass capable of housing millions of recently evicted U.S. citizens. “We know the American people are struggling, and we are thrilled to finally be able to offer them substantive relief in the form of this massive bridge structure that they can huddle under to avoid the elements,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, telling reporters that the overpass authorized by bill H.R. 487 would include plenty of shelter from the sun and wind as well as a generous 5-foot median to give a wide swath of unhoused Americans a place to sleep. “All men, women, and children participating in the program will automatically be given a supply of trash bags and old grocery circulars, and we’re also thrilled to announce that $12 billion has already been earmarked for the manufacture of shopping carts for carrying belongings. We know times are tough, but together, we will get through this pandemic.” Pelosi added that, obviously, lewd behavior or drug use would not be tolerated and much of the allocated funding would go towards weekly police sweeps of the overpass to ensure compliance.


theonion--2020-07-16--Study: Majority Of Americans Not Prepared For When Sun Engulfs Earth In 7.5 Billion Years

Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster ?
Researchers have found that less than 10 @ @ @ @ @ plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and @ @ @ @ @ an eye .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

Are you as prepared as you should be for a natural disaster? Researchers have found that less than 10% of Americans have emergency plans in place for the moment the Earth is scorched to its rocky core and vaporized in the blink of an eye.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-16--Glass Vial Shortage Could Delay Coronavirus Vaccine

As pharmaceutical companies rush to develop a vaccine for Covid-19 , scientists and policymakers are concerned global demand for glass @ @ @ @ @ could create bottlenecks in distributing the lifesaving drugs .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ doesn ’ t even actually exist , and now this.
” “ We wouldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ mess if people would stop panic-buying borosilicate.
” “ What , the vaccine is too @ @ @ @ @

As pharmaceutical companies rush to develop a vaccine for Covid-19, scientists and policymakers are concerned global demand for glass vials combined with borosilicate shortages could create bottlenecks in distributing the lifesaving drugs. What do you think?
“Ugh, first the vaccine doesn’t even actually exist, and now this.” Ramona Ruttan • Fungi Behaviorist
“We wouldn’t even be in this mess if people would stop panic-buying borosilicate.” Darrell Beck • Tongue Surgeon
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theonion--2020-07-15--A Guide To U.S. Coronavirus Travel Restrictions

As the coronavirus pandemic continues through the summer months , many states and cities around the U.S. have implemented restrictions @ @ @ @ @ highlights some of the coronavirus travel restrictions around the country for anyone thinking of taking @ @ @ @ @ Visitors advised to quarantine at a slot machine booth in one of state ’ s @ @ @ @ @ York : Two weeks of isolation except for DoorDash drivers crossing state lines .
South @ @ @ @ @ You will be the governor ’ s honored guest !
Arizona : Welcomes anyone who @ @ @ @ @ into Grand Canyon .
Illinois : Visitors must self-quarantine for 14 days except for the @ @ @ @ @ trying to maintain a long-distance relationship with .
We ’ re all rooting for you @ @ @ @ @ Visitors advised to wear masks or else have really good public meltdown for recording and @ @ @ @ @ Visitors must agree to quarantine for 14 days if they ’ ve recently been in @ @ @ @ @ .
Florida : All is lost .
Only the damned may enter .

As the coronavirus pandemic continues through the summer months, many states and cities around the U.S. have implemented restrictions on travelers. The Onion highlights some of the coronavirus travel restrictions around the country for anyone thinking of taking a trip.
Nevada: Visitors advised to quarantine at a slot machine booth in one of state’s many fine casinos.
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New York: Two weeks of isolation except for DoorDash drivers crossing state lines.
South Dakota: A visitor? You will be the governor’s honored guest!
Arizona: Welcomes anyone who wants to just drive right into Grand Canyon.
Illinois: Visitors must self-quarantine for 14 days except for the girl who Jimmy Thompson is trying to maintain a long-distance relationship with. We’re all rooting for you, Jimmy!
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Oregon: Visitors advised to wear masks or else have really good public meltdown for recording and sharing online.
California: Visitors must agree to quarantine for 14 days if they’ve recently been in high-risk area such as California.
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Florida: All is lost. Only the damned may enter.


theonion--2020-07-15--Every Member Of Police Department Excitedly Volunteers To Go Undercover In White Supremacist Group

BALTIMORE , MD —As the police chief expressed amazement over the general enthusiasm for receiving the a ssignment , every member of the Baltimore Police Department was reportedly excitedly volunteering Wednesday to go undercover in a white supremacist group .
“ I ’ ll do it !
I would be so good at going undercover—if I ’ m in there , the white supremacists won ’ t even be able to tell the difference , ” said officer Tyson Ellerton , trying to get the chief ’ s attention over the din of the entire rest of the department begging @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new local organization dedicated to upholding white Chrstian nationalism through violent means .
“ Please let me do it !
No one will work harder than me to get into their mindset and lifestyle .
Two months , two years , whatever it takes .
I will live like a white supremacist to get inside their heads and understand how they work .
Plus , I ’ ve already been working on an inside source—someone I just met , somehow—so I can use that connection to gain acceptance quickly .
Come on , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve trained my whole life for this.
” At press time , a thrilled Ellerton exclaimed that he had just a few minutes to make it to the white supremacist group ’ s upcoming meeting , leaving the station before the police chief had a chance to ask how he knew the scheduled time .

BALTIMORE, MD —As the police chief expressed amazement over the general enthusiasm for receiving the a ssignment, every member of the Baltimore Police Department was reportedly excitedly volunteering Wednesday to go undercover in a white supremacist group. “I’ll do it! I would be so good at going undercover—if I’m in there, the white supremacists won’t even be able to tell the difference,” said officer Tyson Ellerton, trying to get the chief’s attention over the din of the entire rest of the department begging to be the one to investigate a new local organization dedicated to upholding white Chrstian nationalism through violent means. “Please let me do it! No one will work harder than me to get into their mindset and lifestyle. Two months, two years, whatever it takes. I will live like a white supremacist to get inside their heads and understand how they work. Plus, I’ve already been working on an inside source—someone I just met, somehow—so I can use that connection to gain acceptance quickly. Come on, Chief, please please please. I’ve trained my whole life for this.” At press time, a thrilled Ellerton exclaimed that he had just a few minutes to make it to the white supremacist group’s upcoming meeting, leaving the station before the police chief had a chance to ask how he knew the scheduled time.


theonion--2020-07-15--California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dea

California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dead Soon Anyway

SACRAMENTO—In a dramatic move intended to provide relief to those hardest hit among the state ’ s population , California governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Wednesday a bill that would provide a bar-closing exemption to shithole dives that just have three old guys sitting in them who will soon be dead anyway .
“ While safety is our foremost concern , we ’ ve concluded that there ’ s no real risk involved with leaving open any of those seedy corner bars with broken stools and some regulars named Roy , Ed , and Phil who drink flat cans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years left in them , at most , ” said Newsom , adding that experts have found a relatively low risk of transmission because their plastered patrons spend every waking moment in the business ’ dank , unlit barroom in complete silence , often only speaking up to recount the Raiders ’ 1977 season .
“ Essentially , we ’ re saying if the bathroom toilet has been on the fritz for the past decade and every bottle behind the bar is visibly dusty , you ’ re in the clear to continue @ @ @ @ @ @ @ else is going in there .
These places are real pieces of shit.
” Newsom concluded , however , that bars that serve people with healthy lives and things left to live for will be forced to close .

SACRAMENTO—In a dramatic move intended to provide relief to those hardest hit among the state’s population, California governor Gavin Newsom signed into law Wednesday a bill that would provide a bar-closing exemption to shithole dives that just have three old guys sitting in them who will soon be dead anyway. “While safety is our foremost concern, we’ve concluded that there’s no real risk involved with leaving open any of those seedy corner bars with broken stools and some regulars named Roy, Ed, and Phil who drink flat cans of Old Style and have a few years left in them, at most,” said Newsom, adding that experts have found a relatively low risk of transmission because their plastered patrons spend every waking moment in the business’ dank, unlit barroom in complete silence, often only speaking up to recount the Raiders’ 1977 season. “Essentially, we’re saying if the bathroom toilet has been on the fritz for the past decade and every bottle behind the bar is visibly dusty, you’re in the clear to continue operating. Trust me, no one else is going in there. These places are real pieces of shit.” Newsom concluded, however, that bars that serve people with healthy lives and things left to live for will be forced to close.


theonion--2020-07-15--Google Vows To Not Use Fitbit Data For Advertising

As part of their bid to finalize a $ 2.1 billion deal to purchase Fitbit , Google told EU regulators @ @ @ @ @ will not use health data from the wearable activity trackers to help create targeted ads @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ Hopefull y , they can get the data they need from our phones @ @ @ @ @ ” “ But if I burn 214 calories , I might want ads aimed at @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Jokes on them .
I never figured out how to use the damn @ @ @

As part of their bid to finalize a $2.1 billion deal to purchase Fitbit, Google told EU regulators this week that the company will not use health data from the wearable activity trackers to help create targeted ads. What do you think?
“Hopefull y, they can get the data they need from our phones, tablets, and laptops.” Annette Cartwright, Ham Radio Personality
“But if I burn 214 calories, I might want ads aimed at people who burn 214 calories.” Clark Hildreth, Lizard Trainer
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theonion--2020-07-15--Gentle Whisper Of Wind Through Willows, Dappling Of Sunlight Upon Leaves Unsure What More They Have

Gentle Whisper Of Wind Through Willows, Dappling Of Sunlight Upon Leaves Unsure What More They Have To Do To Make Dipshit Look Up From Phone

CAPE ELIZABETH , ME—Unsure what more could possibly be done to attract the lumbering oaf ’ s attention , a gentle whisper of wind through the willows and a dappling of sunlight upon summer ’ s lush leaves expressed their consternation Wednesday on how to make local dipshit Andrew Meyers look up from his phone .
“ Jesus Christ , the air is redolent of honeysuckle , the morning dew is glistening on the grasses , and we ’ re working our asses off pumping out the aeolian harmony to make this numbnuts take a break from playing Jewel Mania @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nature ; yet we ’ re just getting jack shit from him in return , ” reported the sublime natural phenomena , as they expressed their indignation that not even the almost painful beauty of sunshine beaming down from the heavens and warming the chump ’ s shoulder blade like a caress from the universe itself could coax the jackass from his digital slumber .
“ Look , we ’ ve got a brook babbling over here , the wildflowers are blooming like a motherfucker , there ’ s this gorgeous mist rolling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s obsessing about some bullshit a stranger , who he ’ ll never meet , posted on Twitter .
What in the living fuck is wrong with him ?
” At press time , the beauty of the natural world had given up entirely after the moronic man had glanced away from social media in order to take a video of a squirrel chewing on a piece of styrofoam .

CAPE ELIZABETH, ME—Unsure what more could possibly be done to attract the lumbering oaf’s attention, a gentle whisper of wind through the willows and a dappling of sunlight upon summer’s lush leaves expressed their consternation Wednesday on how to make local dipshit Andrew Meyers look up from his phone. “Jesus Christ, the air is redolent of honeysuckle, the morning dew is glistening on the grasses, and we’re working our asses off pumping out the aeolian harmony to make this numbnuts take a break from playing Jewel Mania long enough to see the magnificence of nature; yet we’re just getting jack shit from him in return,” reported the sublime natural phenomena, as they expressed their indignation that not even the almost painful beauty of sunshine beaming down from the heavens and warming the chump’s shoulder blade like a caress from the universe itself could coax the jackass from his digital slumber. “Look, we’ve got a brook babbling over here, the wildflowers are blooming like a motherfucker, there’s this gorgeous mist rolling in off the waterfront, and he’s obsessing about some bullshit a stranger, who he’ll never meet, posted on Twitter. What in the living fuck is wrong with him?” At press time, the beauty of the natural world had given up entirely after the moronic man had glanced away from social media in order to take a video of a squirrel chewing on a piece of styrofoam.


theonion--2020-07-15--IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want

IRS Announces Taxpayers Can Make Checks Directly Payable To Any Corporation Or Billionaire They Want This Year

Hear how the IRS is looking to “ cut out the middleman ” by allowing taxpayers to send their money @ @ @ @ @ Page , Jamie Dimon , or the Walton family .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear how the IRS is looking to “cut out the middleman” by allowing taxpayers to send their money directly to billionaires like Larry Page, Jamie Dimon, or the Walton family.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-16--Man Trademarks Dozens Of Possible New Names For Washington Redskins

A man in Virginia has registered dozens of names related to the Washington NFL team over the last six years @ @ @ @ @ sell the trademark for profit , a move patent lawyers say will likely fail .
@ @ @ @ @ “ That ’ s a really ingenious way to make money unless it fails , @ @ @ @ @ was a total waste of time.
” “ Social progress has to be worth at @ @ @ @ @ I just hope he covered his bases by registering a few names that were more @ @ @

A man in Virginia has registered dozens of names related to the Washington NFL team over the last six years in a possible attempt to sell the trademark for profit, a move patent lawyers say will likely fail. What do you think?
“That’s a really ingenious way to make money unless it fails, in which case, it was a total waste of time.” Donna Brown • Phone Tree Organizer
“Social progress has to be worth at least 10 grand.” Eric Ferris • Knife Investigator
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theonion--2020-07-17--Blatant Rip-Off: The Main Character In ‘Ghost Of Tsushima’ Is Clearly Modeled On The Samurai From Ja

Blatant Rip-Off: The Main Character In ‘Ghost Of Tsushima’ Is Clearly Modeled On The Samurai From Japanese History

Well , gamers , this is a huge letdown .
After years of hype around Sucker Punch ’ s upcoming open-world epic Ghost Of Tsushima , we learned today from an insider source that the main character is a direct rip-off of a warrior from Japanese history known as the “ samurai.
” This brazen theft is a disappointing revelation , and one that will make enjoying this title difficult , if not impossible .
What makes this even harder to take is that when we first saw previews of the Infamous and Sly Cooper developer ’ s latest release @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the creativity that had gone into crafting the game ’ s fictional world .
Every detail—from the so-called Bushido code of ethics to the weapon known as the tanto—appeared to be novel innovations showcasing the studio ’ s knack for worldbuilding .
Sadly , however , we have now discovered that everything from the game ’ s aesthetic to its core conceit of attacking other soldiers with swords is nothing more than a halfhearted copy of this little-known class of Japan ’ s medieval hereditary nobility .
Of course , it was natural @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would notice that they had cribbed innumerable details about the so-called “ samurai ” from Japan ’ s history .
After all , words like “ katana ” and “ ninja ” are long forgotten in Japan .
Meanwhile , the average American couldn ’ t even guess at their meaning , let alone connect them with a class of sword-wielding Japanese soldiers committed to loyalty to their feudal lord above all else .
Frankly , it ’ s the same liberty that Rockstar Games took in plundering America ’ s history for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Red Dead Redemption , which , lest we forget , was based upon an oft-overlooked cohort of real-life outdoorsman and herders from the nineteenth century .
With all of this said , Sucker Punch should be applauded for rescuing the samurai from the dustbin of history .
It must have been exhilarating to the game ’ s creators to open some dusty Japanese history book and realize the gameplay potential these forgotten swordsmen might have .
Who knows ?
In the future , we might even see movies , books , and even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ idea of blade-wielding Japanese warriors dedicated to the martial virtues and an unflinching approach to pain .
Let ’ s just hope the artists using these ideas remember to cite their sources !

Well, gamers, this is a huge letdown. After years of hype around Sucker Punch’s upcoming open-world epic Ghost Of Tsushima, we learned today from an insider source that the main character is a direct rip-off of a warrior from Japanese history known as the “samurai.”
This brazen theft is a disappointing revelation, and one that will make enjoying this title difficult, if not impossible.
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What makes this even harder to take is that when we first saw previews of the Infamous and Sly Cooper developer’s latest release, we were absolutely blown away by the creativity that had gone into crafting the game’s fictional world. Every detail—from the so-called Bushido code of ethics to the weapon known as the tanto—appeared to be novel innovations showcasing the studio’s knack for worldbuilding. Sadly, however, we have now discovered that everything from the game’s aesthetic to its core conceit of attacking other soldiers with swords is nothing more than a halfhearted copy of this little-known class of Japan’s medieval hereditary nobility.
Of course, it was natural for Sucker Punch to assume no one would notice that they had cribbed innumerable details about the so-called “samurai” from Japan’s history. After all, words like “katana” and “ninja” are long forgotten in Japan. Meanwhile, the average American couldn’t even guess at their meaning, let alone connect them with a class of sword-wielding Japanese soldiers committed to loyalty to their feudal lord above all else. Frankly, it’s the same liberty that Rockstar Games took in plundering America’s history for the idea of “cowboys” in Red Dead Redemption, which, lest we forget, was based upon an oft-overlooked cohort of real-life outdoorsman and herders from the nineteenth century.
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With all of this said, Sucker Punch should be applauded for rescuing the samurai from the dustbin of history. It must have been exhilarating to the game’s creators to open some dusty Japanese history book and realize the gameplay potential these forgotten swordsmen might have. Who knows? In the future, we might even see movies, books, and even other video games based on the fascinating idea of blade-wielding Japanese warriors dedicated to the martial virtues and an unflinching approach to pain. Let’s just hope the artists using these ideas remember to cite their sources!


theonion--2020-07-17--Genetics: Myth Vs. Fact

Genetics: Myth Vs. Fact

A human being ’ s genetics influence their body , traits , and other characteristics , but many common misconceptions about genetics and heredity persist .
The Onion debunks some common myths about genes and genetics .
FACT : While genes are responsible for some traits , a person ’ s environment can also be scapegoated .
FACT : Some of them are gross too .
MYTH : Many scientists believe mental illnesses are genetically inherited .
FACT : Not yours , though , you ’ re just being overdramatic .
MYTH : Genetic sequencing is as simple as freshman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : Those Punnett squares are a joke , your biology teacher lied to you , and she killed all those frogs for fun .
FACT : Homosexuality is caused by seeing your brother ’ s friends play basketball in the driveway in tight shorts .
FACT : Countless families have been torn apart by children fighting over who will inherit their dead mother ’ s eyes .
MYTH : Genetically modified foods are bad for you .
FACT : You need to be eating more fruits and vegetables—let ’ s start there .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ potential to be bankrupted by medical expenses .

A human being’s genetics influence their body, traits, and other characteristics, but many common misconceptions about genetics and heredity persist. The Onion debunks some common myths about genes and genetics.
MYTH: Genes are the sole factor determining a person’s traits.
FACT: While genes are responsible for some traits, a person’s environment can also be scapegoated.
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MYTH: All genetic mutations are harmful.
FACT: Some of them are gross too.
MYTH: Many scientists believe mental illnesses are genetically inherited.
FACT: Not yours, though, you’re just being overdramatic.
MYTH: Genetic sequencing is as simple as freshman biology led you to believe.
FACT: Those Punnett squares are a joke, your biology teacher lied to you, and she killed all those frogs for fun.
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MYTH: Homosexuality is caused by a “gay gene.”
FACT: Homosexuality is caused by seeing your brother’s friends play basketball in the driveway in tight shorts.
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MYTH: Children often inherit their mother’s eyes.
FACT: Countless families have been torn apart by children fighting over who will inherit their dead mother’s eyes.
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MYTH: Genetically modified foods are bad for you.
FACT: You need to be eating more fruits and vegetables—let’s start there.
MYTH: Only certain people possess “disease genes.”
FACT: Every human body has the potential to be bankrupted by medical expenses.


theonion--2020-07-17--Arctic’s Rapid Thawing Not Helped By Todd, A Guy Up There Rubbing His Warm Body All Over The Ice

Climate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse @ @ @ @ @ today that this guy Todd isn ’ t exactly making the problem any better .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Climate scientists have long confirmed that the fast melting of glaciers in the Arctic Sea can be attributed to greenhouse gases, but many admitted today that this guy Todd isn’t exactly making the problem any better.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-17--Tyra Banks Named New Host Of ‘Dancing With The Stars’

Model and TV personality Tyra Banks will host the 29th season of Dancing With The Stars , replacing long-time host @ @ @ @ @ Andrews .
What do you think ?
“ Let ’ s enjoy these peaceful transitions @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I can ’ t believe they got a non-dancer to replace Tom Bergeron.
@ @ @ @ @ guess the job market isn ’ t as bad as they are saying it is @ @

Model and TV personality Tyra Banks will host the 29th season of Dancing With The Stars, replacing long-time host Tom Bergeron and former-contestant-turned-host Erin Andrews. What do you think?
“Let’s enjoy these peaceful transitions of power while we can.” Myron Hadsell • Systems Analyst
“I can’t believe they got a non-dancer to replace Tom Bergeron.” Ann Coffen • Sandwich Coordinator
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theonion--2020-07-17--Georgia Governor Bans Local Governments From Mandating Masks

Georgia governor Brian Kemp issued an executive order Wednesday banning cities from enforcing their own face mask laws as the @ @ @ @ @ cases , its second-highest daily total this year .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ taking this rivalry with Florida a little too seriously ” “ People need to remember @ @ @ @ @ pretty thankless job to be a governor who is constantly fucking up .
”

Georgia governor Brian Kemp issued an executive order Wednesday banning cities from enforcing their own face mask laws as the state reported 3,871 new coronavirus cases, its second-highest daily total this year. What do you think?
“I think he’s taking this rivalry with Florida a little too seriously” Brad Bridges • Lampshade Maker
“It’s nice to finally hear about a governor taking some direct action.” Karyn Singleton • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-07-17--Dog Could Really Go For Some Women’s Underwear Right Now

SPRINGFIELD , MO—Unable to control his intense craving for a soiled garment fresh from the laundry bin , local dog and faithful companion Cooper was reportedly thinking Friday about how he could really go for some women ’ s underwear right about now .
“ You know what would hit the spot ?
A nice , big bite of thong , ” said the 3-year-old terrier mix , adding that it would be incredibly satisfying to nose around in the dirty clothes and stick his head face-first into the crotch of his owner ’ s recently worn lingerie .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that .
Running shorts could do in a pinch , but to be honest , that ’ s not what I ’ m in the mood for .
What would be perfect is some briefs from a really sweltering , humid , 90-degree day .
Silk , cotton , I don ’ t care—as long as I can drag them out onto the deck and chomp on ’ em till I get my fill.
” At press time , reports confirmed a delighted Cooper couldn ’ t believe his luck upon stumbling across @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tampons in the wastebasket .

SPRINGFIELD, MO—Unable to control his intense craving for a soiled garment fresh from the laundry bin, local dog and faithful companion Cooper was reportedly thinking Friday about how he could really go for some women’s underwear right about now. “You know what would hit the spot? A nice, big bite of thong,” said the 3-year-old terrier mix, adding that it would be incredibly satisfying to nose around in the dirty clothes and stick his head face-first into the crotch of his owner’s recently worn lingerie. “Sometimes you just get a hankering like that. Running shorts could do in a pinch, but to be honest, that’s not what I’m in the mood for. What would be perfect is some briefs from a really sweltering, humid, 90-degree day. Silk, cotton, I don’t care—as long as I can drag them out onto the deck and chomp on ’em till I get my fill.” At press time, reports confirmed a delighted Cooper couldn’t believe his luck upon stumbling across one of his owner’s used tampons in the wastebasket.


theonion--2020-07-17--Apologetic Dan Snyder Pledges To Spend Rest Of Life Re-Earning Trust Of Great Brands Like FedEx

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his failure to provide a safe space for them to thrive and profit , Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder pledged Friday to dedicate the rest of his life re-earning the trust of “ great ” brands like FedEx .
“ I ’ m deeply sorry for what I ’ ve allowed to happen here .
These are amazing brands that deserve respect and to be treated with dignity , ” said Snyder , who promised to do everything in his power as owner to make sure “ strong and capable ” brands like Pepsi never regret working with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not just objects , they are more than just their logos .
They had hopes and dreams when they signed sponsorship deals with us , and I ’ ve let them down .
These brands should have never been made uncomfortable , and needless to say , I ’ ve already taken major steps to make sure nobody at this organization ever humiliates them by speaking up again.
” Snyder finished his apology by announcing a new initiative designed to help formally marginalized brands like Burger King and Sears partner with the franchise @

WASHINGTON—Reflecting on his failure to provide a safe space for them to thrive and profit, Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder pledged Friday to dedicate the rest of his life re-earning the trust of “great” brands like FedEx. “I’m deeply sorry for what I’ve allowed to happen here. These are amazing brands that deserve respect and to be treated with dignity,” said Snyder, who promised to do everything in his power as owner to make sure “strong and capable” brands like Pepsi never regret working with the Redskins. “These brands are not just objects, they are more than just their logos. They had hopes and dreams when they signed sponsorship deals with us, and I’ve let them down. These brands should have never been made uncomfortable, and needless to say, I’ve already taken major steps to make sure nobody at this organization ever humiliates them by speaking up again.” Snyder finished his apology by announcing a new initiative designed to help formally marginalized brands like Burger King and Sears partner with the franchise.


theonion--2020-07-17--Teacher Wonders If Outer Space Or Ocean Better Theme For Bulletin Board Listing Coronavirus Rules

DENVER , CO—Endeavoring to determine what would constitute the most compelling learning materials for her third-grade class , local elementary school teacher Meredith Coggins was reportedly wondering Friday if “ outer space ” or “ ocean ” would be a better theme for the bulletin board listing coronavirus rules .
“ It ’ s super important that my third graders engage in safe behaviors that won ’ t spread the virus , so I want something with lots of bright colors and interesting shapes that they ’ ll really respond to , ” said Coggins , scrolling through the offerings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ aloud if a border of fish and whales or stars and planets would do a better job of ensuring her students maintain social distance and regularly wash their hands .
“ On the one hand , with ‘ space ’ I could probably connect the dangers of not wearing an astronaut helmet with the dangers of not wearing a mask in a way the students will understand , but with the ocean we could have a visual of an octopus using plenty of soap and water on all eight tentacles.
” At press @ @ @ @ @ @ @ jungle-themed display that a substitute could put up when she was inevitably hospitalized after contracting covid .

DENVER, CO—Endeavoring to determine what would constitute the most compelling learning materials for her third-grade class, local elementary school teacher Meredith Coggins was reportedly wondering Friday if “outer space” or “ocean” would be a better theme for the bulletin board listing coronavirus rules. “It’s super important that my third graders engage in safe behaviors that won’t spread the virus, so I want something with lots of bright colors and interesting shapes that they’ll really respond to,” said Coggins, scrolling through the offerings on a school supply website and wondering aloud if a border of fish and whales or stars and planets would do a better job of ensuring her students maintain social distance and regularly wash their hands. “On the one hand, with ‘space’ I could probably connect the dangers of not wearing an astronaut helmet with the dangers of not wearing a mask in a way the students will understand, but with the ocean we could have a visual of an octopus using plenty of soap and water on all eight tentacles.” At press time, Coggins had purchased an additional jungle-themed display that a substitute could put up when she was inevitably hospitalized after contracting covid.


theonion--2020-07-20--Spain Holds First Annual ‘Running Of The Virus’ Festival

It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves , but festival organizers in Pamplona @ @ @ @ @ year ’ s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It may not be the Running Of The Bulls tradition everyone knows and loves, but festival organizers in Pamplona, Spain are confident this year’s modifications will still be enjoyable to thrill-seekers around the globe.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-07-20--Mortgage Rates Fall Below 3% For First Time

A Freddie Mac survey found that the average 30-year fixed-rate mortgage dropped to a record low 2.98 % last week @ @ @ @ @ in demand by homebuyers even as the number of available houses decreased .
What do @ @ @ @ @ timing , I ’ ve been meaning to enter into an expensive long-term contract for @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s depressing that mortgage rates are out there setting new records while I @ @ @ @ @ apartment doing nothing .
”

A Freddie Mac survey found that the average 30-year fixed-rate mortgage dropped to a record low 2.98% last week, leading to an increase in demand by homebuyers even as the number of available houses decreased. What do you think?
“Perfect timing, I’ ve been meaning to enter into an expensive long-term contract for a while now.” Ruby Sevier • Toothpick Whittler
“It’s depressing that mortgage rates are out there setting new records while I’m stuck inside my apartment doing nothing.” Albert Neaman • Pillow Consultant
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theonion--2020-07-20--Braves Remove Tomahawk Chop Statue

Braves Remove Tomahawk Chop Statue

The Atlanta Braves have removed a wooden statue reading “ Chop On ” from outside Truist Field and are reviewing @ @ @ @ @ fans to engage in the tomahawk chop , though the team has already stated they @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ Oh co me on , that statue could @ @ @ @ @ of chop.
” “ I think we should be celebrating our rich , shared history @ @ @ @ @ should have gradually shaved an inch off every day so no one noticed .
”

The Atlanta Braves have removed a wooden statue reading “Chop On” from outside Truist Field and are reviewing whether they will stop encouraging fans to engage in the tomahawk chop, though the team has already stated they will not change their name. What do you think?
“Oh co me on, that statue could be referring to any kind of chop.” Dale Crim, Unemployed
“I think we should be celebrating our rich, shared history of chopping.” Amber Sharpe, Cut-Off Shorts Designer
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theonion--2020-07-20--DHS Secretary Assuages Concerns About Protester Abductions By Promising This Will All Feel Routine I

DHS Secretary Assuages Concerns About Protester Abductions By Promising This Will All Feel Routine In A Month

WASHINGTON—Explaining that any shock over the incidents was completely unfounded , Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf attempted Monday to assuage concerns over the videos of protesters in Portland being abducted by promising this will all feel fairly routine in a month .
“ We get that unmarked federal vehicles taking people off the street seems disturbing to people right now , but within a few months , this will just seem like an everyday occurrence that isn ’ t worth a second thought , ” said Wolf , who told reporters that any outrage or concern from civilians or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rapidly blend into the mundane fabric of American life .
“ By the end of the year , you ’ ll feel strange thinking of a time when these abductions were not happening .
Change is uncomfortable for sure , but soon you ’ ll be walking down the street , see a jogger get pulled into a military vehicle , and you ’ ll just keep on listening to your music or podcast without batting an eye .
Trust me , save your emotional energy for all the other stuff we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weeks.
” Wolf further dismissed any criticism over the haphazard nature of the military operation by noting this rollout has been excitedly discussed by the administration for years .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that any shock over the incidents was completely unfounded, Secretary of Homeland Security Chad Wolf attempted Monday to assuage concerns over the videos of protesters in Portland being abducted by promising this will all feel fairly routine in a month. “We get that unmarked federal vehicles taking people off the street seems disturbing to people right now, but within a few months, this will just seem like an everyday occurrence that isn’t worth a second thought,” said Wolf, who told reporters that any outrage or concern from civilians or the press should dissipate as the abductions rapidly blend into the mundane fabric of American life. “By the end of the year, you’ll feel strange thinking of a time when these abductions were not happening. Change is uncomfortable for sure, but soon you’ll be walking down the street, see a jogger get pulled into a military vehicle, and you’ll just keep on listening to your music or podcast without batting an eye. Trust me, save your emotional energy for all the other stuff we’ll be rolling out over the coming weeks.” Wolf further dismissed any criticism over the haphazard nature of the military operation by noting this rollout has been excitedly discussed by the administration for years.


theonion--2020-07-20--Charmin Under Fire For New Ad Suggesting It Wouldn’t Be Bad Idea If Everyone Started Hoarding Toilet

Charmin Under Fire For New Ad Suggesting It Wouldn’t Be Bad Idea If Everyone Started Hoarding Toilet Paper Again

MEHOOPANY , PA—After the launch of a promotional campaign exhorting consumers to buy up as much of the product as possible , major bath tissue manufacturer Charmin faced a backlash Monday over a new ad that suggests it wouldn ’ t be a bad idea for everyone to start hoarding toilet paper again .
“ While there are plenty of rolls on the shelf today , we can ’ t promise they will be there tomorrow , ” said a voiceover in the 30-second TV spot , which has been criticized for its depiction of customers stampeding through supermarket aisles @ @ @ @ @ @ @ engaging in violent altercations with cashiers who try to limit purchases to one package per family .
“ Stockpiling toilet paper isn ’ t the worst thing in the world .
Hey , it might even be prudent .
After all , you don ’ t want to be the one who ’ s caught off guard .
So why not take a drive through town and clear out the shelves of every single store that sells the stuff ?
Remember , if you run out of room for it at home , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to warehouse any surplus.
” Reached for comment , representatives from Charmin defended the commercial , observing that in a second wave , the novel coronavirus could conceivably mutate and begin to cause severe , crippling bouts of diarrhea .

MEHOOPANY, PA—After the launch of a promotional campaign exhorting consumers to buy up as much of the product as possible, major bath tissue manufacturer Charmin faced a backlash Monday over a new ad that suggests it wouldn’t be a bad idea for everyone to start hoarding toilet paper again. “While there are plenty of rolls on the shelf today, we can’t promise they will be there tomorrow,” said a voiceover in the 30-second TV spot, which has been criticized for its depiction of customers stampeding through supermarket aisles, knocking one another over, and engaging in violent altercations with cashiers who try to limit purchases to one package per family. “Stockpiling toilet paper isn’t the worst thing in the world. Hey, it might even be prudent. After all, you don’t want to be the one who’s caught off guard. So why not take a drive through town and clear out the shelves of every single store that sells the stuff? Remember, if you run out of room for it at home, you can always rent a storage unit to warehouse any surplus.” Reached for comment, representatives from Charmin defended the commercial, observing that in a second wave, the novel coronavirus could conceivably mutate and begin to cause severe, crippling bouts of diarrhea.


theonion--2020-07-20--Toddler Feels Somewhat Torn About Pretending To Be Policeman In Current Climate

SOUTH BEND , IN—Expressing misgivings over perpetuating a system of oppression , local toddler Aaron Merchant reportedly felt somewhat torn @ @ @ @ @ a policeman in the current cultural climate .
“ I have a lot of fun @ @ @ @ @ them into jail , but I certainly don ’ t want to contribute to a @ @ @ @ @ Merchant , reflecting on why he derived joy from repeatedly crashing his tricycle into his @ @ @ @ @ with his mouth .
“ I want to play , don ’ t get me @ @ @ @ @ .
But then again , I could probably better use my playtime to de-escalate situations @ @ @ @ @ .
The last thing that I want is to normalize violence , so maybe it @ @ @ @ @ away my squirt gun for good ?
” At press time , Merchant decided to @ @ @ @ @ the rush of adrenaline he received from locking his sister in a closet .

SOUTH BEND, IN—Expressing misgivings over perpetuating a system of oppression, local toddler Aaron Merchant reportedly felt somewhat torn Monday about pretending to be a policeman in the current cultural climate. “I have a lot of fun yelling at kids and putting them into jail, but I certainly don’t want to contribute to a police state,” said Merchant, reflecting on why he derived joy from repeatedly crashing his tricycle into his siblings while making siren noises with his mouth. “I want to play, don’t get me wrong. I love pretending. But then again, I could probably better use my playtime to de-escalate situations instead of just arresting people. The last thing that I want is to normalize violence, so maybe it’s time to put away my squirt gun for good?” At press time, Merchant decided to continue playing a policeman after the rush of adrenaline he received from locking his sister in a closet.


theonion--2020-07-20--Man Longingly Imagines What Life Would Be Like If Pizza Deliveryman Outside Building Were Here For H

Man Longingly Imagines What Life Would Be Like If Pizza Deliveryman Outside Building Were Here For Him

BOSTON—Sighing while staring out the window at the figure standing several floors below , local man Jeff Ipser longingly imagined what life would be like Monday if the pizza deliveryman outside his building were there for him .
“ To think , if I ’ d just made different choices in my life , that could have been me running down to meet that man and his big , insulated red box full of pizza pies instead of someone else , ” said Ipser before letting himself close his eyes and , for a moment , inhabit a world in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ flights of stairs , opening his wallet , and bringing an 18-inch pepperoni pizza up to his apartment for the night .
“ I know I ’ m supposed to live in the moment , but someday , I just hope I ’ m as lucky as that guy who probably doesn ’ t even realize how good he has it .
God .
I just feel like I ’ ve wasted my whole life up until this moment—hopefully it ’ s not too late for me to order a pizza.
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wait , come back ” at the deliveryman as he got in his car and drove away .

BOSTON—Sighing while staring out the window at the figure standing several floors below, local man Jeff Ipser longingly imagined what life would be like Monday if the pizza deliveryman outside his building were there for him. “To think, if I’d just made different choices in my life, that could have been me running down to meet that man and his big, insulated red box full of pizza pies instead of someone else,” said Ipser before letting himself close his eyes and, for a moment, inhabit a world in which he were the one descending two flights of stairs, opening his wallet, and bringing an 18-inch pepperoni pizza up to his apartment for the night. “I know I’m supposed to live in the moment, but someday, I just hope I’m as lucky as that guy who probably doesn’t even realize how good he has it. God. I just feel like I’ve wasted my whole life up until this moment—hopefully it’s not too late for me to order a pizza.” At press time, Ipser began yelling “Wait, come back” at the deliveryman as he got in his car and drove away.


theonion--2020-07-20--Union Soldiers Battle Aliens At Annual Gettysburg Ahistorical Reenactment

GETTYSBURG , PA—As those assembled in their uniforms faithfully carried out the nonexistent events exactly as they didn ’ t happen in July 1863 , spectators watched Union soldiers battle aliens Monday at the 157th annual Battle of Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment .
“ We are assembled here today to act out those bygone non-events wherein brave members of the Union Army valiantly fought aliens , turning the tide of the Civil War , and causing a chain of devastating sea-quakes in the oceans of Plortannius-3 , ” said Emmett Carlson , 78 , who was attending his 48th consecutive Gettysburg @ @ @ @ @ @ @ playing the part of one of the two Union soldiers who stood back to back , throwing grenades at the encroaching 5 billion , 6-mile-tall alien lifeforms for 12 straight hours atop three space-time versions of Culp ’ s Hill .
“ It ’ s really important that it ’ s ahistorically accurate , which is why all the reenactors have to remain in character and behave the same way that the Union soldiers and aliens didn ’ t , whether that means wearing the nontraditional clothing and uniforms , using the exact @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other weaponry , and recreating the signature non-events of ahistorical Gettysburg , like the whirlwind of knives at Little Round Top , the repeated attacks on the Union army ’ s neurological systems , and Pickett ’ s supersonic explosion .
We want all of our spectators to really misunderstand what happened in Gettysburg that day.
” Organizers added that the Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment would close with the reading of the Gettysburg address by a direct descendent of one of the alien hybrids who was vaporized into nothingness during the battle .

GETTYSBURG, PA—As those assembled in their uniforms faithfully carried out the nonexistent events exactly as they didn’t happen in July 1863, spectators watched Union soldiers battle aliens Monday at the 157th annual Battle of Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment. “We are assembled here today to act out those bygone non-events wherein brave members of the Union Army valiantly fought aliens, turning the tide of the Civil War, and causing a chain of devastating sea-quakes in the oceans of Plortannius-3,” said Emmett Carlson, 78, who was attending his 48th consecutive Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment, at which he was playing the part of one of the two Union soldiers who stood back to back, throwing grenades at the encroaching 5 billion, 6-mile-tall alien lifeforms for 12 straight hours atop three space-time versions of Culp’s Hill. “It’s really important that it’s ahistorically accurate, which is why all the reenactors have to remain in character and behave the same way that the Union soldiers and aliens didn’t, whether that means wearing the nontraditional clothing and uniforms, using the exact incorrect muskets, plasma rifles, and other weaponry, and recreating the signature non-events of ahistorical Gettysburg, like the whirlwind of knives at Little Round Top, the repeated attacks on the Union army’s neurological systems, and Pickett’s supersonic explosion. We want all of our spectators to really misunderstand what happened in Gettysburg that day.” Organizers added that the Gettysburg ahistorical reenactment would close with the reading of the Gettysburg address by a direct descendent of one of the alien hybrids who was vaporized into nothingness during the battle.


theonion--2020-07-21--United Arab Emirates Successfully Launches Migrant Workers To Mars To Build Luxury Colonies

TANEGASHIMA , JAPAN—After ushering thousands of work-permit holders into a tightly packed capsule atop an H-IIA rocket , the United Arab Emirates successfully launched its first migrant workers into space Monday , part of a mission to build luxury resort colonies on the surface of Mars .
“ Today , our bold nation takes a monumental step toward the future as we send forth these foreign-born temporary laborers to construct the most lavish upscale accommodations the Red Planet has ever seen , ” said UAE President Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan , who according to reports has ordered his nation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fuel and rations necessary for a return flight to Earth until the mostly Bangladeshi and Indian workers have erected an opulent 170-story biosphere .
“ We have provided our employees with a generous five-week supply of oxygen to sustain them as they build this palatial habitat , complete with an indoor ski slope , massive fountain , and man-made islands .
That said , we of course have millions more migrants on reserve who can be launched as needed , should any members of this initial crew succumb to the harsh Martian climate.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the 2,000 migrant workers hired by the Emirates Mars Mission to serve as a launchpad were incinerated during liftoff .

TANEGASHIMA, JAPAN—After ushering thousands of work-permit holders into a tightly packed capsule atop an H-IIA rocket, the United Arab Emirates successfully launched its first migrant workers into space Monday, part of a mission to build luxury resort colonies on the surface of Mars. “Today, our bold nation takes a monumental step toward the future as we send forth these foreign-born temporary laborers to construct the most lavish upscale accommodations the Red Planet has ever seen,” said UAE President Khalifa bin Zayed Al Nahyan, who according to reports has ordered his nation’s space agency to withhold the fuel and rations necessary for a return flight to Earth until the mostly Bangladeshi and Indian workers have erected an opulent 170-story biosphere. “We have provided our employees with a generous five-week supply of oxygen to sustain them as they build this palatial habitat, complete with an indoor ski slope, massive fountain, and man-made islands. That said, we of course have millions more migrants on reserve who can be launched as needed, should any members of this initial crew succumb to the harsh Martian climate.” At press time, sources confirmed the 2,000 migrant workers hired by the Emirates Mars Mission to serve as a launchpad were incinerated during liftoff.


theonion--2020-07-21--Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 21, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of July 21, 2020

The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone , @ @ @ @ @ to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending .

Virgo | Aug. 23 to Sept. 22
The old saying that there are no second acts in life may or may not be true for everyone, but you’re going to be more concerned with how they just skipped ahead to the ending.


theonion--2020-07-21--Pandemic Sets Off National Coin Shortage

Analysts say that coronavirus concerns have caused Americans to spend less and reduce their use of paper currency , in @ @ @ @ @ that has forced some major retailers like Kroger to require exact change for purchases .
@ @ @ @ @ “ Kroger kicked me out for trying to pay with a big bag of pennies @ @ @ @ @ needs my help.
” “ People wouldn ’ t hoard coins if the government just @ @ @ @ @ on the backs of them.
” “ So that ’ s why there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ my pants pockets .
”

Analysts say that coronavirus concerns have caused Americans to spend less and reduce their use of paper currency, in turn causing a coin shortage that has forced some major retailers like Kroger to require exact change for purchases. What do you think?
“Kroger kicked me out for trying to pay with a big bag of pennies, but now look who needs my help.” Yvette Bradley, Razor Sharpener
“People wouldn’t hoard coins if the government just stopped putting those kick-ass designs on the backs of them.” Sam Albom, Krebs Cycle Expert
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theonion--2020-07-21--Trump Resumes Coronavirus Briefings As Cases Surge

President Trump announced that he will resume his daily coronavirus briefings , which stopped in late April , after a @ @ @ @ @ that only 38 % of Americans approve of his handling of the pandemic , down @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ I don ’ t approv e of the @ @ @ @ @ the pandemic , and the only thing that could change my mind is hearing from @ @ @ @ @ sucks that our only options are Trump doing nothing and Trump doing something.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ use of his time in the midst of a global pandemic ?
”

President Trump announced that he will resume his daily coronavirus briefings, which stopped in late April, after a Washington Post-ABC News poll found that only 38% of Americans approve of his handling of the pandemic, down from 46% in May. What do you think?
“I don’t approv e of the way Trump’s handled the pandemic, and the only thing that could change my mind is hearing from him more.” Stan Dunn, Mustache Barber
“It sucks that our only options are Trump doing nothing and Trump doing something.” Harrison Polhamus, Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-07-21--Homeland Security Claims Protesters Snatched Off Streets As Part Of New Surprise Makeover Series

PORTLAND , OR—Expressing surprise at the backlash to what had been intended as an innocent prank , the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Tuesday stressing that they had merely snatched protesters off the streets as part of a new surprise makeover series created in tandem with Netflix .
“ Frankly , we thought the citizens of Portland would be delighted to be pushed into unmarked federal vans and driven off to our fashion detainment sites for a full-blown style reinvention , but apparently we were mistaken , ” said DHS Director Chad Wolf , adding that the department @ @ @ @ @ @ @ excited by the prospect of detaining the protesters for an elegant and edgy salon-style haircut , makeover tutorial , and sartorial reboot that they had completely forgotten to coordinate with state or local officials .
“ Obviously , we could have made some mention of our plan to completely renovate their apartments while they were locked away in cells , but that would have ruined the surprise .
Frankly , these protesters should be thanking us for getting rid of those frumpy jackets and unkempt beards and introducing them to their sexy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ critics that when the department finally released the protesters from their makeovers in two years , they would be so fabulous that their friends and family wouldn ’ t even recognize them .

PORTLAND, OR—Expressing surprise at the backlash to what had been intended as an innocent prank, the Department of Homeland Security issued a statement Tuesday stressing that they had merely snatched protesters off the streets as part of a new surprise makeover series created in tandem with Netflix. “Frankly, we thought the citizens of Portland would be delighted to be pushed into unmarked federal vans and driven off to our fashion detainment sites for a full-blown style reinvention, but apparently we were mistaken,” said DHS Director Chad Wolf, adding that the department’s unidentified agents had been so excited by the prospect of detaining the protesters for an elegant and edgy salon-style haircut, makeover tutorial, and sartorial reboot that they had completely forgotten to coordinate with state or local officials. “Obviously, we could have made some mention of our plan to completely renovate their apartments while they were locked away in cells, but that would have ruined the surprise. Frankly, these protesters should be thanking us for getting rid of those frumpy jackets and unkempt beards and introducing them to their sexy, exciting new selves.” Wolf also told critics that when the department finally released the protesters from their makeovers in two years, they would be so fabulous that their friends and family wouldn’t even recognize them.


theonion--2020-07-21--New Congressional Stimulus Would Provide National Tip Jar For All Americans Making Under $40,000

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide crucial relief to low-income households , Congress unveiled a new stimulus plan Tuesday that would provide a national tip jar for all Americans making under $ 40,000 a year .
“ We are facing unprecedented economic challenges in the face of covid , which is why we ’ re seeking to ease the burden with this glass container conveniently located in Kansas , ” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi , confirming that Congress had already allocated an additional $ 5 to place inside the jar to prime the pump for anyone walking by .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ necessities , and this program will be a great way for the wealthiest 1 % to show their appreciation for any particularly good interactions they have with lower- and middle-class citizens .
After the funds are deposited , it ’ s just a simple matter of Congress collecting the initial gratuities , counting them up , and then tipping out to all needy Americans who can provide the necessary documentation to show they qualify.
” At press time , critics were arguing that the stimulus didn ’ t go far enough to help @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the jar .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to provide crucial relief to low-income households, Congress unveiled a new stimulus plan Tuesday that would provide a national tip jar for all Americans making under $40,000 a year. “We are facing unprecedented economic challenges in the face of covid, which is why we’re seeking to ease the burden with this glass container conveniently located in Kansas,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, confirming that Congress had already allocated an additional $5 to place inside the jar to prime the pump for anyone walking by. “Many Americans are struggling to afford basic necessities, and this program will be a great way for the wealthiest 1% to show their appreciation for any particularly good interactions they have with lower- and middle-class citizens. After the funds are deposited, it’s just a simple matter of Congress collecting the initial gratuities, counting them up, and then tipping out to all needy Americans who can provide the necessary documentation to show they qualify.” At press time, critics were arguing that the stimulus didn’t go far enough to help average Americans after a passing teenager swiped the jar.


theonion--2020-07-21--PC Culture Gone Too Far? Typing ‘Western Civilization’ Into The Chat Box In ‘The Sims’ Doesn’t Unloc

PC Culture Gone Too Far? Typing ‘Western Civilization’ Into The Chat Box In ‘The Sims’ Doesn’t Unlock Any Cheats

Anyone who follows the state of gaming knows there ’ s been a protracted attack on our industry over the past decade , one that threatens to erode all that we hold dear about video games and gamer culture in general .
But it was not until today that we could say the onward march of political correctness has finally gone too far : Today , OGN has learned that typing “ Western Civilization ” into the chat box in 2000 ’ s The Sims does not unlock a single cheat .
This is the thought police spitting in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s right , gamers : ancient Greece , Shakespeare , the Cathedral of Notre Dame—apparently none of that means anything to the social justice warriors over at Maxis .
It used to be that we celebrated people like Isaac Newton or Thomas Aquinas , but apparently left-wing radicals are too dedicated to carping on about social justice to let the simple words “ Western Civilization ” unlock 100,000 simoleans .
That ’ s the fallen world we live in today , brought to you by the cowards at EA .
There is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Europeans have accomplished .
But to spineless weakling Will Wright , everything associated with the accomplishments of an entire continent ’ s culture must automatically be thrown down the memory hole .
That ’ s why typing “ Western Civilization ” into the chat box prompts zero rewards : no unlocked decor , no free satisfaction points .
And that holds true no matter how many times you type in “ Judeo-Christian Heritage ” or “ The Renaissance.
” Apparently , facts are not politically correct anymore !
Who knew ?
Hey @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bet that typing in “ Mohammad ” unlocks every building lot in the game since that ’ s the only word leftist moral crusaders want you to be able to say these days !
Gamers , we must put an end to this plague of political correctness .
Hitting the tilde key and typing “ Western Civilization ” into its console should be enough for a significant resource boost or access to God mode , at the very least .
This is our history we are talking about .
Stand up and let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them denigrate you like this any longer !

Anyone who follows the state of gaming knows there’s been a protracted attack on our industry over the past decade, one that threatens to erode all that we hold dear about video games and gamer culture in general. But it was not until today that we could say the onward march of political correctness has finally gone too far: Today, OGN has learned that typing “Western Civilization” into the chat box in 2000’s The Sims does not unlock a single cheat.
This is the thought police spitting in the face of our collective heritage.
That’s right, gamers: ancient Greece, Shakespeare, the Cathedral of Notre Dame—apparently none of that means anything to the social justice warriors over at Maxis. It used to be that we celebrated people like Isaac Newton or Thomas Aquinas, but apparently left-wing radicals are too dedicated to carping on about social justice to let the simple words “Western Civilization” unlock 100,000 simoleans. That’s the fallen world we live in today, brought to you by the cowards at EA.
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There is nothing bigoted about celebrating all the wonders that Europeans have accomplished. But to spineless weakling Will Wright, everything associated with the accomplishments of an entire continent’s culture must automatically be thrown down the memory hole. That’s why typing “Western Civilization” into the chat box prompts zero rewards: no unlocked decor, no free satisfaction points. And that holds true no matter how many times you type in “Judeo-Christian Heritage” or “The Renaissance.” Apparently, facts are not politically correct anymore! Who knew?
Hey, but we’re willing to bet that typing in “Mohammad” unlocks every building lot in the game since that’s the only word leftist moral crusaders want you to be able to say these days!
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Gamers, we must put an end to this plague of political correctness. Hitting the tilde key and typing “Western Civilization” into its console should be enough for a significant resource boost or access to God mode, at the very least. This is our history we are talking about. Stand up and let Maxis know you won’t let them denigrate you like this any longer!


theonion--2020-07-21--‘Huh, That’s Kind Of Weird,’ Thinks Fruit Fly Diving In To Dish Of Honey Containing Corpses Of 15 Ot

‘Huh, That’s Kind Of Weird,’ Thinks Fruit Fly Diving In To Dish Of Honey Containing Corpses Of 15 Other Fruit Flies

OVERLAND PARK , KS— Observing yet disregarding the bodies of 15 of his fellow flies suspended in the tempting but viscous substance , a fruit fly reportedly found itself thinking “ Huh , that ’ s kind of weird , ” Tuesday as it plunged into a dish of honey containing the suffocated corpses .
“ Granted , it ’ s a little disturbing , but it ’ s probably not anything to worry about , ” said the Drosophila melanogaster , putting the somewhat unusual sight of its deceased brethren out of its mind as it drew nearer to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ honey .
“ That ’ s certainly not something you see every day , but so what ?
I ’ m already a week old .
I can ’ t pretend I know everything , but life ’ s too short to be scared of every new experience .
Sure , that ’ s a lot of bodies , but there ’ s also a lot of wonderful honey .
Hey , look , my mom and dad are down there !
” At press time , the sinking fruit fly ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it vainly attempted to cry out a warning to approaching fruit flies .

OVERLAND PARK, KS— Observing yet disregarding the bodies of 15 of his fellow flies suspended in the tempting but viscous substance, a fruit fly reportedly found itself thinking “Huh, that’s kind of weird,” Tuesday as it plunged into a dish of honey containing the suffocated corpses. “Granted, it’s a little disturbing, but it’s probably not anything to worry about,” said the Drosophila melanogaster, putting the somewhat unusual sight of its deceased brethren out of its mind as it drew nearer to the mesmerizing expanse of delicious, glistening honey. “That’s certainly not something you see every day, but so what? I’m already a week old. I can’t pretend I know everything, but life’s too short to be scared of every new experience. Sure, that’s a lot of bodies, but there’s also a lot of wonderful honey. Hey, look, my mom and dad are down there!” At press time, the sinking fruit fly’s mouth had filled up with honey as it vainly attempted to cry out a warning to approaching fruit flies.