theonion--2020-01-29--New Podcast From ‘The Onion’ Renders Eyeballs Obsolete

CHICAGO—In what is being hailed as a media revolution that will forever change the way society is informed of current events , reports confirmed Wednesday ’ s debut of The Topical , a daily news podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio , has rendered the human eyeball completely obsolete .
According to historians , mankind has depended upon crude visual symbols to represent its language as far back as ancient Mesopotamia , but with the advent of The Topical , the processing of information via the optic nerve has reportedly become a quaint anachronism .
Whether you now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , dash your eyeballs out upon a stone , or shove your eyeballs down into the sockets of your skull using the firmly applied pressure of both thumbs is up to you , sources said .
Leading media experts agree our subservience to the written word has ended , and all future generations will passively absorb information from The Onion ’ s podcast each day .
In fact , an emerging consensus suggests this could be the last sentence you ever have to read if you click below right now to listen to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a dying culture ’ s benighted era of literacy .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

CHICAGO—In what is being hailed as a media revolution that will forever change the way society is informed of current events, reports confirmed Wednesday’s debut of The Topical, a daily news podcast from The Onion and Onion Public Radio, has rendered the human eyeball completely obsolete. According to historians, mankind has depended upon crude visual symbols to represent its language as far back as ancient Mesopotamia, but with the advent of The Topical, the processing of information via the optic nerve has reportedly become a quaint anachronism. Whether you now choose to have your eyeballs surgically detached, dash your eyeballs out upon a stone, or shove your eyeballs down into the sockets of your skull using the firmly applied pressure of both thumbs is up to you, sources said. Leading media experts agree our subservience to the written word has ended, and all future generations will passively absorb information from The Onion’s podcast each day. In fact, an emerging consensus suggests this could be the last sentence you ever have to read if you click below right now to listen to The Topical, thereby freeing yourself from a dying culture’s benighted era of literacy.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-01-29--The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Democratic Candidates

Political Career : Mayor of Burlington , VT ; President of Sovereign State of Burlington ; Supreme Leader of Independent @ @ @ @ @ : Would virtually lock down Vermont for Democrats Biggest Weakness : Radical views could make @ @ @ @ @ election than moderate winners Hillary Clinton , John Kerry , and Al Gore Greatest Liability @ @ @ @ @ 78 , he may only have five or six more shots at presidency How He @ @ @ @ @ For All : With money

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Bernie Sanders
Childhood Hero: Social Security
Political Career: Mayor of Burlington, VT; President of Sovereign State of Burlington; Supreme Leader of Independent Republic of Bernard
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Best-Selling Album: Bernie Sanders Live At Budokan
Biggest Strength: Would virtually lock down Vermont for Democrats
Biggest Weakness: Radical views could make him bigger risk in general election than moderate winners Hillary Clinton, John Kerry, and Al Gore
Guilty Pleasure: Ayn Rand
Greatest Liability: Keen awareness that at 78, he may only have five or six more shots at presidency
How He Plans To Pay For Medicare For All: With money


theonion--2020-01-29--Kushner Promises Israel Plan Will Relocate All Palestinians To Generous Swath Of Mediterranean Sea

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the proposal represented a “ realistic two-state solution , ” Jared Kushner held a press conference Wednesday to @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Israel plan would relocate all Palestinians to a generous swath of the Mediterranean @ @ @ @ @ not forgotten about the Palestinian people , and this roadmap will allow them to live @ @ @ @ @ depths of the Mediterranean , ” said Kushner , noting that the miles of open @ @ @ @ @ in Palestanian territory .
“ This plan will also allow Palestine to place its capital @ @ @ @ @ Gibraltar , where it will be separated from Israeli territory by a sea wall .
@ @ @ @ @ every opportunity to swim and splash around as long as they don ’ t attempt @ @ @ @ @ by trying to crawl out of the water or wash up on the beach.
” @ @ @ @ @ further concession to the Palestinain people , the plan would include a four-year freeze before @ @ @ @ @ and drive the Palestinians into the Atlantic Ocean .

WASHINGTON—Claiming that the proposal represented a “realistic two-state solution,” Jared Kushner held a press conference Wednesday to make assurances that the administration’s Israel plan would relocate all Palestinians to a generous swath of the Mediterranean Sea. “We have not forgotten about the Palestinian people, and this roadmap will allow them to live in peace within the briny depths of the Mediterranean,” said Kushner, noting that the miles of open water represented a significant increase in Palestanian territory. “This plan will also allow Palestine to place its capital directly in the Strait of Gibraltar, where it will be separated from Israeli territory by a sea wall. The Palestinians will be given every opportunity to swim and splash around as long as they don’t attempt to impede on Israeli sovereignty by trying to crawl out of the water or wash up on the beach.” Kushner added that as a further concession to the Palestinain people, the plan would include a four-year freeze before Israelis could annex the Mediterranean and drive the Palestinians into the Atlantic Ocean.


theonion--2020-01-29--Olive Garden Food Scientists Rapidly Running Out Of Foods To Scampi

ORLANDO , FL—Expressing concern that previous work in the field had pushed their most popular cooking technique far beyond its limits , research scientists at Olive Garden announced Wednesday that their latest data indicated they are rapidly running out of foods to scampi .
“ We ’ ve done shrimp , chicken , pasta , spring vegetables , root vegetables—I hate to say it , but the foreseeable scampi future looks grim , ” said culinary development director Dr. Anthony Lee , explaining how every foodstuff his R & D team had recently attempted to scampi had been either spurned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had rejected the scampi-ing process .
“ We ’ re still decades away from a stable eggplant scampi .
There ’ s no funding for zoodles scampi .
We thought we had a breakthrough with beef scampi , but the single sample we generated blew the lab completely apart .
We ’ re looking at scampi vectors we would have sneered at three years ago .
Can I scampi a salad ?
A soup ?
Breadsticks ?
We tried to scampi our house red wine last week .
Disgusting.
” Lee would neither @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Olive Garden scientist had attempted , in the throes of despair , to scampi himself .

ORLANDO, FL—Expressing concern that previous work in the field had pushed their most popular cooking technique far beyond its limits, research scientists at Olive Garden announced Wednesday that their latest data indicated they are rapidly running out of foods to scampi. “We’ve done shrimp, chicken, pasta, spring vegetables, root vegetables—I hate to say it, but the foreseeable scampi future looks grim,” said culinary development director Dr. Anthony Lee, explaining how every foodstuff his R&D team had recently attempted to scampi had been either spurned by test subjects or, ominously, had rejected the scampi-ing process. “We’re still decades away from a stable eggplant scampi. There’s no funding for zoodles scampi. We thought we had a breakthrough with beef scampi, but the single sample we generated blew the lab completely apart. We’re looking at scampi vectors we would have sneered at three years ago. Can I scampi a salad? A soup? Breadsticks? We tried to scampi our house red wine last week. Disgusting.” Lee would neither confirm nor deny reports that a distraught Olive Garden scientist had attempted, in the throes of despair, to scampi himself.


theonion--2020-01-29--Sanders Unveils Job-Training Program To Provide Meaningful Work To Low-Skilled Op-Ed Writers

WASHINGTON—Explaining that as president he would ensure his policies didn ’ t leave any Americans behind , Senator Bernie Sanders reportedly unveiled plans Wednesday for a job-training program that would provide meaningful work to low-skilled op-ed writers .
“ I understand that if I win the presidency , many Americans are concerned about the effect that changing economic priorities will have on their jobs , which is why I ’ m committed to making sure that the nation ’ s unskilled columnists receive every opportunity to learn material skills that will enable them to find a rewarding position , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ allocated hundreds of millions of dollars a year to ensure workers like opinion columnists who lacked qualifications for any skilled labor job would receive instruction in a career of their choice , such as nursing , childcare , or construction .
“ It ’ s true that not every industry makes sense for the world we need to build , whether it ’ s coal mining , private health insurance , or writing histrionic editorials with little factual basis in our nation ’ s newspapers .
It pains me to see so many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so little training or education that they have no capacity to do viable work .
But I believe that these op-ed writers and editorial board members want to be productive members of society , and my presidency will do everything it can to help them find work with dignity.
” Sanders added that it was an unfortunate result of the U.S. economic system that so many Americans found themselves stuck in low-skilled op-ed writing jobs in the first place .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that as president he would ensure his policies didn’t leave any Americans behind, Senator Bernie Sanders reportedly unveiled plans Wednesday for a job-training program that would provide meaningful work to low-skilled op-ed writers. “I understand that if I win the presidency, many Americans are concerned about the effect that changing economic priorities will have on their jobs, which is why I’m committed to making sure that the nation’s unskilled columnists receive every opportunity to learn material skills that will enable them to find a rewarding position,” said Sanders, adding that his platform allocated hundreds of millions of dollars a year to ensure workers like opinion columnists who lacked qualifications for any skilled labor job would receive instruction in a career of their choice, such as nursing, childcare, or construction. “It’s true that not every industry makes sense for the world we need to build, whether it’s coal mining, private health insurance, or writing histrionic editorials with little factual basis in our nation’s newspapers. It pains me to see so many op-ed writers out there who have received so little training or education that they have no capacity to do viable work. But I believe that these op-ed writers and editorial board members want to be productive members of society, and my presidency will do everything it can to help them find work with dignity.” Sanders added that it was an unfortunate result of the U.S. economic system that so many Americans found themselves stuck in low-skilled op-ed writing jobs in the first place.


theonion--2020-01-29--Biggest Video Game Letdowns Of All Time

Biggest Video Game Letdowns Of All Time

Any gamer worth their mettle has learned how to cope with disappointment .
For every overhyped shooter that blows us away , there are a thousand Brute Forces or Daikatanas that teach us to never again trust an E3 presentation .
But even with our tempered expectations , there are still some releases that leave us wincing and longing for what could have been .
Here , then , are the biggest video game letdowns of all time .
In a truly heinous slap in the face of series fans everywhere , BioWare had the gall to write a conclusion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ FemShep/Tali/Legion-love-triangle fanfiction .
Between The World And Me : True gamers couldn ’ t help but feel stinging disappointment when , halfway through completing this release , they realized Ta-Nehisi Coates ’ s acclaimed tract on being black in America was a book and not a video game .
Developers missed the mark with this Tony Hawk entry by opting to replace the franchise ’ s famously punk soundtrack with Eastern Orthodox Christian hymns .
Though boasting a strong campaign mode and solid core gameplay , fans blasted Halo 3 ’ s multiplayer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bring back xXDemon0fGanja420Xx , the 26-year-old guitar instructor beloved for playing garbled Pantera albums through his microphone and intermittently shouting “ Fuck ” between hits off his bong .
This massive disappointment has only consumed 3,300 hours of our lives over the past year—a far cry from previous iterations in the series .
Technically , it was us gamers—out of shape , listless , and stumbling through life—who wound up being the crushing disappointments here , not the game itself , but the pain still remains .
Talk to any gamer alive in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how bitterly disappointing it was to discover that all of Ken Griffey Jr. ’ s nude scenes in this N64 title used a body double instead of the real deal .
While the developers set things right a year later in Ken Griffey Jr. ’ s Slugfest , it only made the absence of truly authentic full frontal in Major League Baseball all the more glaring in retrospect .

The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Any gamer worth their mettle has learned how to cope with disappointment. For every overhyped shooter that blows us away, there are a thousand Brute Forces or Daikatanas that teach us to never again trust an E3 presentation. But even with our tempered expectations, there are still some releases that leave us wincing and longing for what could have been. Here, then, are the biggest video game letdowns of all time.
Mass Effect 3:
In a truly heinous slap in the face of series fans everywhere, BioWare had the gall to write a conclusion to the trilogy that completely countermanded our FemShep/Tali/Legion-love-triangle fanfiction.
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Between The World And Me:
True gamers couldn’t help but feel stinging disappointment when, halfway through completing this release, they realized Ta-Nehisi Coates’s acclaimed tract on being black in America was a book and not a video game.
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Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 5:
Developers missed the mark with this Tony Hawk entry by opting to replace the franchise’s famously punk soundtrack with Eastern Orthodox Christian hymns.
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Halo 3:
Though boasting a strong campaign mode and solid core gameplay, fans blasted Halo 3’s multiplayer for Bungie’s decision not to bring back xXDemon0fGanja420Xx, the 26-year-old guitar instructor beloved for playing garbled Pantera albums through his microphone and intermittently shouting “Fuck” between hits off his bong.
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Civilization VI:
This massive disappointment has only consumed 3,300 hours of our lives over the past year—a far cry from previous iterations in the series.
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World of Warcraft:
Technically, it was us gamers—out of shape, listless, and stumbling through life—who wound up being the crushing disappointments here, not the game itself, but the pain still remains.
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Dark Souls:
Too hard.
Major League Baseball Featuring Ken Griffey Jr.:
Talk to any gamer alive in 1998 and they’ll tell you how bitterly disappointing it was to discover that all of Ken Griffey Jr.’s nude scenes in this N64 title used a body double instead of the real deal. While the developers set things right a year later in Ken Griffey Jr.’s Slugfest, it only made the absence of truly authentic full frontal in Major League Baseball all the more glaring in retrospect.


theonion--2020-01-29--Lost Grandfather With Dementia Found Hundreds Of Miles Away From Home Wandering International Space

Lost Grandfather With Dementia Found Hundreds Of Miles Away From Home Wandering International Space Station

SADDLE RIVER , NEW JERSEY—In a continuation of his alarming tendency to wander off as a result of his advanced dementia , grandfather of nine Cy Gottlieb , 85 , was found hundreds of miles from home Wednesday when authorities discovered him wandering around the International Space Station .
“ We are happy to report that after an exhaustive search , we have found my grandfather with the help of the ISS , who notified us that he had made his way on board , ” said Gottlieb ’ s granddaughter Lydia Rabon , 36 , explaining that while security @ @ @ @ @ @ @ home , exactly how the confused senior citizen got from New Jersey to low Earth orbit was anyone ’ s guess .
“ We ’ re just relieved that the Russian astronauts were kind when they found him floating around the research module half-naked and asking for soup .
Without their help , this could have ended up as badly as that time we found Grandpa at the summit of K2.
” When found , Gottlieb had absentmindedly taken control of the space station and was asking anyone if they needed anything from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the sun .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

SADDLE RIVER, NEW JERSEY—In a continuation of his alarming tendency to wander off as a result of his advanced dementia, grandfather of nine Cy Gottlieb, 85, was found hundreds of miles from home Wednesday when authorities discovered him wandering around the International Space Station. “We are happy to report that after an exhaustive search, we have found my grandfather with the help of the ISS, who notified us that he had made his way on board,” said Gottlieb’s granddaughter Lydia Rabon, 36, explaining that while security camera footage showed Gottlieb leaving his nursing home, exactly how the confused senior citizen got from New Jersey to low Earth orbit was anyone’s guess. “We’re just relieved that the Russian astronauts were kind when they found him floating around the research module half-naked and asking for soup. Without their help, this could have ended up as badly as that time we found Grandpa at the summit of K2.” When found, Gottlieb had absentmindedly taken control of the space station and was asking anyone if they needed anything from the grocery store while piloting it toward the sun.


theonion--2020-01-29--Aaron Rodgers Pledges To Dedicate Off-Season To Growing As Brand Ambassador

MALIBU , CA—Promising that he wouldn ’ t let outside distractions interfere like in the past , Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers pledged Wednesday to dedicate his off-season to growing as a brand ambassador .
“ You know , we went far pretty this season , but we ultimately fell short of our sales goal and some of that falls on my shoulders , ” said Rodgers , referring to Payton Manning as the model for a pitchman who got even better in the back half of his career .
“ Every member of this crew puts in so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I didn ’ t give it my all out there .
I ’ m working with an acting coach just to stay sharp , and I ’ ve already reached out to [ Patrick ] Mahomes to run some lines .
I owe it to all the fans out there to hit my cues and deliver catchphrases at a high level.
” Rodgers concluded his interview by promising to bring the State Farm crew to at least one more Super Bowl commercial @

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

MALIBU, CA—Promising that he wouldn’t let outside distractions interfere like in the past, Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers pledged Wednesday to dedicate his off-season to growing as a brand ambassador. “You know, we went far pretty this season, but we ultimately fell short of our sales goal and some of that falls on my shoulders,” said Rodgers, referring to Payton Manning as the model for a pitchman who got even better in the back half of his career. “Every member of this crew puts in so much work, so I wouldn’t be able to look at myself in the mirror if I didn’t give it my all out there. I’m working with an acting coach just to stay sharp, and I’ve already reached out to [Patrick] Mahomes to run some lines. I owe it to all the fans out there to hit my cues and deliver catchphrases at a high level.” Rodgers concluded his interview by promising to bring the State Farm crew to at least one more Super Bowl commercial.


theonion--2020-01-30--Coronavirus Reaches 6,000 Cases

Coronavirus Reaches 6,000 Cases

In news that has resulted in Western nations recalling citizens and international businesses shuttering their China locations , the Wuhan @ @ @ @ @ cases , a level unseen since the SARS epidemic in 2002 .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ m doing my part by not being able to afford to travel internationally.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ in China is like five cases in the States .
”

In news that has resulted in Western nations recalling citizens and international businesses shuttering their China locations, the Wuhan coronavirus has reached over 6,000 cases, a level unseen since the SARS epidemic in 2002. What do you think?
“I’m doing my part by not being able to afford to travel internationally.” Frank Patton • Carpet Steamer
“Yeah, but 6,000 cases in China is like five cases in the States.” Jerry Keenan • Prescription Labeler
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theonion--2020-01-30--A Standstill In The Trial Of Harvey Weinstein

The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming @ @ @ @ @ the judge was able to land his big break .
The Topical is presented by @ @ @ @ @ 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store @ @ @ @ @ use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but @ @ @ @ @ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find @ @ @ @ @ , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The trial of Harvey Weinstein has been suspended indefinitely after the presiding judge booked a huge role in an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster. Hear how the judge was able to land his big break.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-01-30--‘You’re A Piece Of Shit And I Hope Everyone Like You Dies,’ Says Biden To Democratic Voter In Stirri

‘You’re A Piece Of Shit And I Hope Everyone Like You Dies,’ Says Biden To Democratic Voter In Stirring Call For Party Unity

OTTUMWA , IA—As part of his effort to reinvigorate the coalition that once put Barack Obama in the White House , presidential candidate Joe Biden issued a moving plea for party unity when he told a Democratic voter “ You ’ re a piece of shit and I hope everyone like you dies , ” reports confirmed Thursday .
“ Look here , pal , fuck you and fuck anybody who thinks like you , ” the former vice president said to a town hall participant in what political experts have hailed as a rousing call for Democrats , independents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ together in harmony and overcome the divisiveness and rancor that have characterized the Trump era .
“ If that ’ s what you believe , you ’ re clearly an idiot , and I don ’ t need your vote .
Seriously , you and every single person in this fucking town deserves to die .
Now back the hell up before I tear your throat out with my goddamn teeth.
” After the event , a screaming , red-faced Biden reportedly continued to share his inspiring vision by informing a group of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asses with one hand tied behind his back .

OTTUMWA, IA—As part of his effort to reinvigorate the coalition that once put Barack Obama in the White House, presidential candidate Joe Biden issued a moving plea for party unity when he told a Democratic voter “You’re a piece of shit and I hope everyone like you dies,” reports confirmed Thursday. “Look here, pal, fuck you and fuck anybody who thinks like you,” the former vice president said to a town hall participant in what political experts have hailed as a rousing call for Democrats, independents, and even moderate Republicans to join together in harmony and overcome the divisiveness and rancor that have characterized the Trump era. “If that’s what you believe, you’re clearly an idiot, and I don’t need your vote. Seriously, you and every single person in this fucking town deserves to die. Now back the hell up before I tear your throat out with my goddamn teeth.” After the event, a screaming, red-faced Biden reportedly continued to share his inspiring vision by informing a group of unwitting Iowans that he could beat their asses with one hand tied behind his back.


theonion--2020-01-30--Recently Unearthed Ancient Sumerian Cuneiform Tablet Depicts Earliest Known Observance Of Ladies’ Ni

Recently Unearthed Ancient Sumerian Cuneiform Tablet Depicts Earliest Known Observance Of Ladies’ Night

KUWAIT—Recounting the ancient story of a group of traditional women going out and partying to reward themselves in Sumer ’ s nightlife district after a long day of weaving , an ancient Sumerian cuneiform tablet depicting the earliest known observance of Ladies ’ Night was discovered Thursday by a team of archaeologists from the University of Oxford .
“ This remarkable tablet uses the Sumerian-Akkadian script common around 2250 B.C.E .
to portray a lively group of gals going out on the town to let loose , enjoy two-for-one Lagaban iced teas , and do some serious folk dancing , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in charge of the dig site , explaining that the clay tablet went into great detail about which local venues hosted events where “ grown and sexy ” ladies got in for free , as well as the exact styles of reed sandals considered necessary for said outings .
“ They would wear their finest flaxen robes and feathered headdresses and instruct their husbands to stay home and watch the kids .
It ’ s truly fascinating to see the cultural constants at work here since , before this discovery , we believed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ culture in the 15th century B.C.E.
” The same dig site has also yielded several tablets depicting the earliest known observance of Taco Tuesdays .

KUWAIT—Recounting the ancient story of a group of traditional women going out and partying to reward themselves in Sumer’s nightlife district after a long day of weaving, an ancient Sumerian cuneiform tablet depicting the earliest known observance of Ladies’ Night was discovered Thursday by a team of archaeologists from the University of Oxford. “This remarkable tablet uses the Sumerian-Akkadian script common around 2250 B.C.E. to portray a lively group of gals going out on the town to let loose, enjoy two-for-one Lagaban iced teas, and do some serious folk dancing,” said Meredith Lake, the researcher in charge of the dig site, explaining that the clay tablet went into great detail about which local venues hosted events where “grown and sexy” ladies got in for free, as well as the exact styles of reed sandals considered necessary for said outings. “They would wear their finest flaxen robes and feathered headdresses and instruct their husbands to stay home and watch the kids. It’s truly fascinating to see the cultural constants at work here since, before this discovery, we believed Ladies’ Night originated in the Mycenaean culture in the 15th century B.C.E.” The same dig site has also yielded several tablets depicting the earliest known observance of Taco Tuesdays.


theonion--2020-01-30--Huh: There’s No Convention Or Anything In Town So This Guy Dressed Like Poliwhirl Must Just Dress Li

Huh: There’s No Convention Or Anything In Town So This Guy Dressed Like Poliwhirl Must Just Dress Like This All The Time

Man , have we got a head-scratcher for you , gamers .
A few reporters here at Onion Gamers Network recently caught wind of this man dressed as Poliwhirl standing at the corner of Elm and 4th Street , which made us think there must be some kind of Pokémon convention in town .
Here ’ s the thing though : We checked everywhere , and there isn ’ t even a meet-up in the general vicinity .
That means that , as far as we know , this guy must dress like the Stage 1 Water Pokémon all the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is an entirely normal thing to do .
Let ’ s just say we ’ re all pretty confused over here at OGN .
It would make sense if this man was with a bunch of other people who were also dressed as Pokémon .
Then maybe you could presume he was going to some kind of Pokémon LARPing session with his friends .
But that ’ s just not the case .
Frankly , he ’ s just standing around in a less-trafficked area of town and staring into space .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or , even more strangely , speaking at all .
Consider the facts : On the one hand , the mysterious man ’ s costume—and , to be perfectly clear , we ’ re only assuming it ’ s a man—does a fairly impressive job of depicting the creature , so he presumably spent a decent amount of money and effort turning these materials into a clear representation of the lesser-known Pokémon .
It ’ s strange , though , since we failed to find any information about scheduled gatherings of Pokémon fans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the closest one was over 500 miles away in Denver .
Further to the point , this guy was simply milling around in the costume outside a bodega without any clear objective except to represent the first evolution of this Nintendo character .
Maybe he just , uh , really likes Poliwhirl ?
Honestly , readers , your guesses are as good as ours .
After an exhaustive search online , we also discovered that the local comic book store does not have any collectible card-based events planned in the foreseeable future , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : That the Poliwhirl costume-wearing man had misread a calendar and accidentally dressed himself in the guise of a blue Pokémon after designing a full papier-mâché-based costume for himself .
This would be embarrassing but understandable , though that ’ s not what happened .
It seems this was exactly what this man wanted to spend his day doing .
Huh .
Well , that ’ s all we know for now .
We ’ ll keep you posted if we get any more updates on the situation , but until the n @ @ @ @ @

Man, have we got a head-scratcher for you, gamers. A few reporters here at Onion Gamers Network recently caught wind of this man dressed as Poliwhirl standing at the corner of Elm and 4th Street, which made us think there must be some kind of Pokémon convention in town. Here’s the thing though: We checked everywhere, and there isn’t even a meet-up in the general vicinity. That means that, as far as we know, this guy must dress like the Stage 1 Water Pokémon all the time, or at least thinks this is an entirely normal thing to do.
Let’s just say we’re all pretty confused over here at OGN.
It would make sense if this man was with a bunch of other people who were also dressed as Pokémon. Then maybe you could presume he was going to some kind of Pokémon LARPing session with his friends. But that’s just not the case. Frankly, he’s just standing around in a less-trafficked area of town and staring into space. He isn’t even waving at anyone or, even more strangely, speaking at all.
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Weird, right?
Consider the facts: On the one hand, the mysterious man’s costume—and, to be perfectly clear, we’re only assuming it’s a man—does a fairly impressive job of depicting the creature, so he presumably spent a decent amount of money and effort turning these materials into a clear representation of the lesser-known Pokémon. It’s strange, though, since we failed to find any information about scheduled gatherings of Pokémon fans or cosplayers nearby. In fact, the closest one was over 500 miles away in Denver. Further to the point, this guy was simply milling around in the costume outside a bodega without any clear objective except to represent the first evolution of this Nintendo character.
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Maybe he just, uh, really likes Poliwhirl? Honestly, readers, your guesses are as good as ours.
After an exhaustive search online, we also discovered that the local comic book store does not have any collectible card-based events planned in the foreseeable future, which rules out the most likely possibility: That the Poliwhirl costume-wearing man had misread a calendar and accidentally dressed himself in the guise of a blue Pokémon after designing a full papier-mâché-based costume for himself. This would be embarrassing but understandable, though that’s not what happened. It seems this was exactly what this man wanted to spend his day doing.
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Huh. Well, that’s all we know for now. We’ll keep you posted if we get any more updates on the situation, but until the n, color us dumbfounded.


theonion--2020-01-30--U.S. Deficit Projected To Hit $1 Trillion In 2020

The Congressional Budget Office projected the country ’ s deficit will eclipse $ 1 trillion in 2020 , raising concerns @ @ @ @ @ recent White House tax cuts that largely favored the wealthy .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ we do a trillion-dollar tax cut , that ’ ll generate a trillion dollars that @ @ @ @ @ it off.
” “ I think we ’ ve all collectively decided this will never @ @ @ @ @ “ At least it ’ s all for a good cause .
”

The Congressional Budget Office projected the country’s deficit will eclipse $1 trillion in 2020, raising concerns of fiscal imbalances spurred by recent White House tax cuts that largely favored the wealthy. What do you think?
“Well, if we do a trillion-dollar tax cut, that’ll generate a trillion dollars that we can use to pay it off.” Julie Buck • Assistant Ornithologist
“I think we’ve all collectively decided this will never catch up with us.” Adam Werner • Abstract Florist
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theonion--2020-01-30--Elon Musk Rushes To Aid Of Overturned Tesla Pinned On Top Of Child

LOS ANGELES—Acting quickly to save his beloved creation , billionaire entrepreneur and engineer Elon Musk rushed to the aid of @ @ @ @ @ Thursday that became immobilized on top of a 9-year-old child .
“ When I saw @ @ @ @ @ with its segment-leading styling and advanced range , flipped over that immobilized little boy , @ @ @ @ @ and I ran over to render what assistance I could , ” said Musk , @ @ @ @ @ rush he experienced upon seeing his baby threatened and helpless gave him the strength to @ @ @ @ @ its wheels over the shattered body of the fourth-grader .
“ It breaks my heart @ @ @ @ @ that car ’ s paint job has been scuffed by that child ’ s remains @ @ @ @ @ there at the right time , or that Tesla could have lost significant value.
” @ @ @ @ @ pay for any repairs that the Tesla incurred as a result of the impact with @ @ @ @

LOS ANGELES—Acting quickly to save his beloved creation, billionaire entrepreneur and engineer Elon Musk rushed to the aid of an overturned Tesla Model 3 Thursday that became immobilized on top of a 9-year-old child. “When I saw that poor helpless Tesla, with its segment-leading styling and advanced range, flipped over that immobilized little boy, my instincts just kicked in and I ran over to render what assistance I could,” said Musk, who claimed that the adrenaline rush he experienced upon seeing his baby threatened and helpless gave him the strength to lever the car back onto its wheels over the shattered body of the fourth-grader. “It breaks my heart to think just how much that car’s paint job has been scuffed by that child’s remains. Thank God I was there at the right time, or that Tesla could have lost significant value.” Musk has magnanimously promised to pay for any repairs that the Tesla incurred as a result of the impact with the now-dead child.


theonion--2020-02-05--Trump Delivers Third State Of The Union

Trump Delivers Third State Of The Union

President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the @ @ @ @ @ season in Iowa .
What do you think ?
“ It ’ s always so @ @ @ @ @ learn how the union ’ s doing.
” “ I just watch it for the @ @ @ @ @ ’ t believe the guy is still president despite how often I point out that @ @ @ @ @ tone .
”

President Trump delivered his third State of the Union amidst a likely Senate acquittal of his impeachment trial and the beginning of the Democratic primary season in Iowa. What do you think?
“It’s always so hard waiting all year to learn how the union’s doing.” Murray Browning • Cannery Proprietor
“I just watch it for the fashion.” Nikita Cunningham • Fashion Analyst
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theonion--2020-02-05--Both Parties Acting Exactly How Everyone Expected Them To Restore Nation’s Faith In Political Proces

Both Parties Acting Exactly How Everyone Expected Them To Restore Nation’s Faith In Political Process

AKRON , OH—As President Donald Trump ’ s impeachment trial ended with an acquittal in the Senate , sources confirmed Friday that both parties acting exactly how everyone expected them to had restored the nation ’ s faith in its political process .
“ Watching the Democrats cower behind ineffectual high-minded rhetoric while the Republicans manipulated every procedure and spouted dangerous propaganda really affirmed my belief that today ’ s U.S. government is working exactly as intended , ” said 43-year-old retail manager Aaron Bennett , echoing the sentiments of 325 million Americans who confirmed that although the impeachment trial @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , watching the Democrats belatedly pursue a narrow goal that resisted meaningfully challenging any structural issues , only to let themselves be easily obstructed by Republican leaders committed to holding power regardless of the consequences , offered sorely needed reassurance of the strength of the U.S. political system .
“ I was really worried impeachment indicated that the American way of life for the last several decades was at risk .
I admit I even doubted whether our institutions could survive several Republicans deviating from their cynical embrace of an obvious criminal in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The idea that Democrats were actually trying to pursue a moral objective instead of just using moral rhetoric as a smokescreen for accumulating influence really shook me .
I ’ m just grateful that both parties were able to move past their differences and work together to uphold the American political system as we know it.
” The relieved nation added that it would have been devastating if the Senate removed Trump , which would fly in the face of what the founding fathers wanted when they inscribed the principle of a few @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into the nation ’ s Constitution .

AKRON, OH—As President Donald Trump’s impeachment trial ended with an acquittal in the Senate, sources confirmed Friday that both parties acting exactly how everyone expected them to had restored the nation’s faith in its political process. “Watching the Democrats cower behind ineffectual high-minded rhetoric while the Republicans manipulated every procedure and spouted dangerous propaganda really affirmed my belief that today’s U.S. government is working exactly as intended,” said 43-year-old retail manager Aaron Bennett, echoing the sentiments of 325 million Americans who confirmed that although the impeachment trial had shaken their faith in their leaders, watching the Democrats belatedly pursue a narrow goal that resisted meaningfully challenging any structural issues, only to let themselves be easily obstructed by Republican leaders committed to holding power regardless of the consequences, offered sorely needed reassurance of the strength of the U.S. political system. “I was really worried impeachment indicated that the American way of life for the last several decades was at risk. I admit I even doubted whether our institutions could survive several Republicans deviating from their cynical embrace of an obvious criminal in order to further their callous agenda. The idea that Democrats were actually trying to pursue a moral objective instead of just using moral rhetoric as a smokescreen for accumulating influence really shook me. I’m just grateful that both parties were able to move past their differences and work together to uphold the American political system as we know it.” The relieved nation added that it would have been devastating if the Senate removed Trump, which would fly in the face of what the founding fathers wanted when they inscribed the principle of a few rich men shielding each other from accountability into the nation’s Constitution.


theonion--2020-02-05--Tampax CEO Refuses To Resign Amidst Allegations That He Doesn’t Know What A Period Is

Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is .
Does @ @ @ @ @ is ?
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app @ @ @ @ @ Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo @ @ @ @ @ only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice @ @ @ @ @ litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Many within the company are claiming that Tampax CEO Edward Brooks does not know what a period is. Does he know what a period is?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-05--Rush Limbaugh Admits Presidential Medal Of Freedom Less Of An Honor Knowing That Rosa Parks, Maya An

Rush Limbaugh Admits Presidential Medal Of Freedom Less Of An Honor Knowing That Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou Also Received It

WASHINGTON—Saying his initial enthusiasm had faded after learning about the award ’ s history , conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh conceded Wednesday that receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom was less of an honor knowing it had been bestowed upon Rosa Parks and Maya Angelou , too .
“ While I understand this medal represents the highest civilian honor possible , I was a bit disconcerted to discover this morning that I share this distinction with both a civil rights icon and a poet who gave a voice to black Americans , ” said Limbaugh , who explained that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ integrity as he joins the ranks of the award ’ s previous recipients , especially Cicely Tyson , Ralph Ellison , Archbishop Desmond Tutu , Stevie Wonder , and Willie Mays .
“ I almost sent it back .
But instead I have decided to keep my Medal of Freedom and let it stand as a testament to my willingness to tolerate others .
I hope my acceptance of it will go some way toward reclaiming this honor from the Martin Luther Kings and Nelson Mandelas of the world.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the award meant something after learning it had also been given to Henry Kissinger and Strom Thurmond .

WASHINGTON—Saying his initial enthusiasm had faded after learning about the award’s history, conservative radio personality Rush Limbaugh conceded Wednesday that receiving the Presidential Medal of Freedom was less of an honor knowing it had been bestowed upon Rosa Parks and Maya Angelou, too. “While I understand this medal represents the highest civilian honor possible, I was a bit disconcerted to discover this morning that I share this distinction with both a civil rights icon and a poet who gave a voice to black Americans,” said Limbaugh, who explained that he hopes people don’t doubt his integrity as he joins the ranks of the award’s previous recipients, especially Cicely Tyson, Ralph Ellison, Archbishop Desmond Tutu, Stevie Wonder, and Willie Mays. “I almost sent it back. But instead I have decided to keep my Medal of Freedom and let it stand as a testament to my willingness to tolerate others. I hope my acceptance of it will go some way toward reclaiming this honor from the Martin Luther Kings and Nelson Mandelas of the world.” At press time, Limbaugh confirmed he felt more confident that the award meant something after learning it had also been given to Henry Kissinger and Strom Thurmond.


theonion--2020-02-05--Buttigieg, Sanders Locked In Battle For Iowa

As technical difficulties continue to delay official results well into the second day , Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg wait @ @ @ @ @ victorious in the 2020 Iowa caucus , an achievement that could reshape the presidential race @ @ @ @ @ media coverage and fundraising for the candidates .
What do you think ?
“ Dear @ @ @ @ @ poor voters be allowed to leave their corner of the gymnasium !
?
” “ @ @ @ @ @ , but it ’ s the only way to assure everyone in Wyoming has 4 @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m no conspiracy theorist , but it ’ s clear to me that @ @ @ @ @ Democratic race deliberately did this to damage Bernie Sanders .
”

As technical difficulties continue to delay official results well into the second day, Bernie Sanders and Pete Buttigieg wait to see who will emerge victorious in the 2020 Iowa caucus, an achievement that could reshape the presidential race as well as garner additional media coverage and fundraising for the candidates. What do you think?
“Dear Lord, when will those poor voters be allowed to leave their corner of the gymnasium!?” Jay Bain • Systems Analyst
“Democracy may not be perfect, but it’s the only way to assure everyone in Wyoming has 4 voices.” Eloise Cole • Contract Approver
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theonion--2020-02-05--Embarrassed Ben Simmons Retracts Criticism Of Sixers After Remembering He On Team

PHILADELPHIA—Expressing feelings of embarrassment that he didn ’ t stop and think before calling out the roster ’ s total @ @ @ @ @ Simmons retracted his criticism of the 76ers Wednesday after remembering that he plays for the @ @ @ @ @ like an idiot , I would ’ ve never called the team ‘ soft ’ @ @ @ @ @ that I ’ m the starting point guard , ” said the 23-year-old , admitting @ @ @ @ @ asking the Sixers to take more accountability for the defensive assignments knowing that he would @ @ @ @ @ the locker room with those very players .
“ Honestly , it totally slipped my @ @ @ @ @ signed here through 2025 .
I just assumed I was attacking one of our rivals @ @ @ @ @ the game .
Believe me , I ’ d never openly attack my own team @ @ @ @ @ about us needing more ball movement on offense or rotating better on D. ” At @ @ @ @ @ a trade demand after realizing he already plays for a title contender .

PHILADELPHIA—Expressing feelings of embarrassment that he didn’t stop and think before calling out the roster’s total lack of effort, Ben Simmons retracted his criticism of the 76ers Wednesday after remembering that he plays for the team. “I feel like an idiot, I would’ve never called the team ‘soft’ if I’d realized that I’m the starting point guard,” said the 23-year-old, admitting that he felt foolish for asking the Sixers to take more accountability for the defensive assignments knowing that he would have to go back into the locker room with those very players. “Honestly, it totally slipped my mind that I’m signed here through 2025. I just assumed I was attacking one of our rivals when I lashed out after the game. Believe me, I’d never openly attack my own team like that—forget everything I said about us needing more ball movement on offense or rotating better on D.” At press time, Simmons retracted a trade demand after realizing he already plays for a title contender.


theonion--2020-02-05--The 6 Best Companies To Work For

The 6 Best Companies To Work For

Though employees at Goldman Sachs work long , demanding hours , they are able to enjoy the unique luxury of @ @ @ @ @ of U.S. congressmen working around the clock to cater to their every need .
Between @ @ @ @ @ offering discounted tax rates to the company and its highest-earning employees , or just reminding @ @ @ @ @ they set their minds to , this army of legislators and federal financial regulators is @ @ @ @ @ Sachs bankers a pat on the back and help them do what they do best @

Goldman Sachs
Though employees at Goldman Sachs work long, demanding hours, they are able to enjoy the unique luxury of having a dedicated 535-person team of U.S. congressmen working around the clock to cater to their every need. Between easing annoying filing requirements, offering discounted tax rates to the company and its highest-earning employees, or just reminding personnel they can do whatever they set their minds to, this army of legislators and federal financial regulators is always available to give Goldman Sachs bankers a pat on the back and help them do what they do best.


theonion--2020-02-05--Corporate Lawyer Achieves Career Masterpiece With McDonald’s Monopoly Contest Rules

CHICAGO—Reflecting on what would surely be one day considered his crowning professional accomplishment , corporate lawyer Connor Renaldi announced Wednesday that he had achieved a career masterpiece in finally completing the infallible , ironclad rules to McDonald ’ s Monopoly contest .
“ This has been my magnum opus , and now I ’ ve finally reached my apex , ” a visibly satisfied Renaldi told reporters , recounting his tireless efforts in devising stratagems to incentivize the purchase of multiple game tiles while preventing customers from winning anything more than a free small fry or fountain drink .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ compiling of the rules and regulations of this sweepstakes ; I believe no man can .
I ’ ve thought of every eventuality , visualized every outcome—the terms , conditions , loopholes , and probabilities flow around and through each other in a beautiful pas de deux of legal exceptions .
All that ’ s left to me is to bask in my own brilliance.
” Renaldi confirmed that he intends to spend the balance of his career mocking the “ obvious and pathetic ” attempts to imitate his work by the legal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Do Us A Flavor ” contest .

CHICAGO—Reflecting on what would surely be one day considered his crowning professional accomplishment, corporate lawyer Connor Renaldi announced Wednesday that he had achieved a career masterpiece in finally completing the infallible, ironclad rules to McDonald’s Monopoly contest. “This has been my magnum opus, and now I’ve finally reached my apex,” a visibly satisfied Renaldi told reporters, recounting his tireless efforts in devising stratagems to incentivize the purchase of multiple game tiles while preventing customers from winning anything more than a free small fry or fountain drink. “I can go no further in my compiling of the rules and regulations of this sweepstakes; I believe no man can. I’ve thought of every eventuality, visualized every outcome—the terms, conditions, loopholes, and probabilities flow around and through each other in a beautiful pas de deux of legal exceptions. All that’s left to me is to bask in my own brilliance.” Renaldi confirmed that he intends to spend the balance of his career mocking the “obvious and pathetic” attempts to imitate his work by the legal team employed by Lay’s “Do Us A Flavor” contest.


theonion--2020-02-05--‘The Sims’ Turns 20

‘The Sims’ Turns 20

Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4 , 2000 , becoming one of the bestselling series of all time .
The Onion looks back on important moments in The Sims history as it celebrates its 20th anniversary .
A giant sloth steps on a caterpillar and sets highly specific events in motion that lead to development of The Sims 452,000 years later .
After losing his house in a fire , Will Wright comes up with the idea for The Sims while wishing he had a guilt-free way to inflict the pain he felt on someone else .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ second place they can battle crippling depression .
Daniel showed you his Sims having sex and then you couldn ’ t go to his house after school anymore .
Existence of “ motherlode ” cheat code gives entire generation unrealistic expectations of how affordable it is to furnish entire house .
The Sims FreePlay mobile game ensures millions of players never without EA tracking services .
The Sims 4 debuts and is , you know , fine .
Derek Paulson of Manchester , NH tearfully ends his Sims ’ marriage to reflect real @ @

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Life-simulation video game The Sims debuted on February 4, 2000, becoming one of the bestselling series of all time. The Onion looks back on important moments in The Sims history as it celebrates its 20th anniversary.
A giant sloth steps on a caterpillar and sets highly specific events in motion that lead to development of The Sims 452,000 years later.
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After losing his house in a fire, Will Wright comes up with the idea for The Sims while wishing he had a guilt-free way to inflict the pain he felt on someone else.
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The Sims’ release introduces players to second place they can battle crippling depression.
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Sims enjoy an uneventful, cool September day.
Daniel showed you his Sims having sex and then you couldn’t go to his house after school anymore.
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Property values in SimCity crash after increased white flight.
Existence of “motherlode” cheat code gives entire generation unrealistic expectations of how affordable it is to furnish entire house.
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The Sims FreePlay mobile game ensures millions of players never without EA tracking services.
Advertisement
The Sims 4 debuts and is, you know, fine.
Derek Paulson of Manchester, NH tearfully ends his Sims’ marriage to reflect real life.


theonion--2020-02-05--Pedestrians Passing Each Other On Sidewalk Stop To Let Children Sniff Each Other

GREENVILLE , SC—Slowing their pace to accommodate their curious companions as they approached from opposite directions , pedestrians passing on @ @ @ @ @ stopped and allowed their children to become socialized by sniffing each other .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ you mind if he says hello ?
” said mother Andrea Bailey , momentarily loosening @ @ @ @ @ toddler to allow the two eager children to approach at an appropriate smelling distance .
@ @ @ @ @ ‘ Hi !
’ My little guy is just 2 .
What about yours ?
@ @ @ @ @ .
I wanted one just like that , but we didn ’ t want to @ @ @ @ @ , Lennon !
Down , now .
You know we don ’ t jump.
” @ @ @ @ @ separate the two roughhousing youngsters after the large male clamped down on the other ’ @ @ @

GREENVILLE, SC—Slowing their pace to accommodate their curious companions as they approached from opposite directions, pedestrians passing on a busy sidewalk Wednesday reportedly stopped and allowed their children to become socialized by sniffing each other. “I promise mine’s friendly—do you mind if he says hello?” said mother Andrea Bailey, momentarily loosening her grip on her male toddler to allow the two eager children to approach at an appropriate smelling distance. “Lennon, go say ‘Hi!’ My little guy is just 2. What about yours? He’s so cute. I wanted one just like that, but we didn’t want to have to adopt. Down, Lennon! Down, now. You know we don’t jump.” Passersby were later seen helping separate the two roughhousing youngsters after the large male clamped down on the other’s neck.


theonion--2020-02-06--The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Pictures

Synopsis : Four sisters wonder if they can have it all while simultaneously juggling expectations of womanhood in both the @ @ @ @ @ : “ A woman can do anything a man can !
She can milk cows @ @ @ @ @ even toil in the fields until she dies at the age of 25 !
” @ @ @ @ @ better had it used the star power of Meryl Streep in its lead as 15-year-old @ @

Synopsis: Four sisters wonder if they can have it all while simultaneously juggling expectations of womanhood in both the 1860s and 2019
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Defining Line: “A woman can do anything a man can! She can milk cows or contract syphilis, or even toil in the fields until she dies at the age of 25!”
Prospects: Would have fared better had it used the star power of Meryl Streep in its lead as 15-year-old Jo March


Trump Acquitted

In a pair of party-line votes that capped off five months of investigation and testimony , President Trump became the @ @ @ @ @ history , although Senator Mitt Romney ’ s dissenting vote to convict denied him a @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ This is a triumph of political will against the burden @ @ @ @ @ Now it ’ s up to American voters to let him off the hook.
” @ @ @ @ @ precedent for how happy we allow Mitch McConnell to be .
”

In a pair of party-line votes that capped off five months of investigation and testimony, President Trump became the third commander-in-chief acquitted in American history, although Senator Mitt Romney’s dissenting vote to convict denied him a purely partisan acquittal. What do you think?
“This is a triumph of political will against the burden of overwhelming evidence.” Griff Wilder • Adhesive Mixer
“Now it’s up to American voters to let him off the hook.” Peter Sheridan • Wax Molder
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theonion--2020-02-06--The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Directors

Filmmaking Style : Heavily employs pastiche drawing from classic films such as Ernest Goes To School , Ernest Goes To @ @ @ @ @ To Camp Career Highlight : Getting to work with big-time Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein Inspiration @ @ @ @ @ s dorm rooms with posters reflecting his artistic vision

Quentin Tarantino
Filmmaking Style: Heavily employs pastiche drawing from classic films such as Ernest Goes To School, Ernest Goes To Jail, and Ernest Goes To Camp
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Career Highlight: Getting to work with big-time Hollywood producer Harvey Weinstein
Inspiration: Filling the world’s dorm rooms with posters reflecting his artistic vision


theonion--2020-02-06--Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower?

Who Is The Mike Pence Whistleblower?

The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence ’ s prayers @ @ @ @ @ .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in @ @ @ @ @ Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code @ @ @ @ @ will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , @ @ @ @ @ environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google @ @ @ @ @

The vice president is under major scrutiny after a White House whistleblower leaked thousands of Mike Pence’s prayers asking God for political favors.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-06--Report: The Nation Has Healed And It’s Time To Rejoice!

WASHINGTON—With the closing of the great national rift and the receding of that dark menace which threatened to tear the @ @ @ @ @ politic has healed , and the time has come for all citizens to rejoice , @ @ @ @ @ .
According to civic observers , the long-awaited hour has finally arrived , and through @ @ @ @ @ nation , from the shores of the Atlantic to the Pacific , each man must @ @ @ @ @ his enemy , for in truth , he is no enemy at all but a @ @ @ @ @ time in years , the sun has reportedly risen over a truly United States of @ @ @ @ @ rising to one ’ s feet , erupting in jubilant noise , dancing in the @ @ @ @ @ hands with one ’ s neighbor to sing the glad song now dwelling in every @ @ @ @ @ , sources confirmed the nation ’ s formerly joyous streets were running red with blood @ @ @ @ @ another to “ eat shit .
”

WASHINGTON—With the closing of the great national rift and the receding of that dark menace which threatened to tear the land asunder, the body politic has healed, and the time has come for all citizens to rejoice, a new report confirmed Thursday. According to civic observers, the long-awaited hour has finally arrived, and through the whole of this great nation, from the shores of the Atlantic to the Pacific, each man must lay down arms and embrace his enemy, for in truth, he is no enemy at all but a brother. For the first time in years, the sun has reportedly risen over a truly United States of America, so experts recommend rising to one’s feet, erupting in jubilant noise, dancing in the town square, and joining hands with one’s neighbor to sing the glad song now dwelling in every heart! At press time, sources confirmed the nation’s formerly joyous streets were running red with blood after one Twitter user told another to “eat shit.”


theonion--2020-02-06--Buttigieg, Sanders In Dead Heat In Iowa Caucus

Following a turbulent roll-out of results and a call for recanvassing by DNC Chair Tom Perez , Pete Buttigieg and @ @ @ @ @ in the Iowa caucuses with 97 % of precincts reporting , although the former South @ @ @ @ @ lead in delegate count .
What do you think ?
“ Voters have shown a @ @ @ @ @ or its opposite.
” “ It ’ s refreshing to see a gay man be @ @ @ @ @ ”

Following a turbulent roll-out of results and a call for recanvassing by DNC Chair Tom Perez, Pete Buttigieg and Bernie Sanders remain virtually tied in the Iowa caucuses with 97% of precincts reporting, although the former South Bend mayor retains a slight lead in delegate count. What do you think?
“Voters have shown a clear desire for radical change or its opposite.” Cody Mcgrath • Gutter Sealer
“It’s refreshing to see a gay man be elected president of Iowa.” Brett Camacho • Paperwork Reviewer
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theonion--2020-02-06--Hollywood Legend Kirk Douglas Dead In Apparent Age Overdose

BEVERLY HILLS , CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn ’ t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system , local authorities confirmed Thursday that Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas died in his home of an apparent age overdose at 103 .
“ While Mr. Douglas ’ s life may have seemed glamorous to his fans , behind the scenes he struggled with a dark history of maturation that few were brave enough to confront him about , ” said Beverly Hills Police Department spokesperson Sgt .
Lawrence Ward , adding that Douglas was successfully able to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ began experimenting with more and more intense forms during the 1970s and the 1980s .
“ Family and friends told us that as time wore on , they eventually noticed his body ’ s slow deterioration , observing that he developed the telltale liver spots , gray hair , and gaunt face that so many of the elderly display .
Of course , Mr. Douglas knew the risks , but once he started dabbling in age past 80 or 90 years , all that time began to catch up with him.
” Ward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this tragedy would serve as a cautionary tale , and warned anyone with an octogenarian in their family to seek help before it was too late .

BEVERLY HILLS, CA—Explaining that his body simply couldn’t handle the sheer quantity of years he had put into his system, local authorities confirmed Thursday that Hollywood legend Kirk Douglas died in his home of an apparent age overdose at 103. “While Mr. Douglas’s life may have seemed glamorous to his fans, behind the scenes he struggled with a dark history of maturation that few were brave enough to confront him about,” said Beverly Hills Police Department spokesperson Sgt. Lawrence Ward, adding that Douglas was successfully able to conceal his struggles with aging until he began experimenting with more and more intense forms during the 1970s and the 1980s. “Family and friends told us that as time wore on, they eventually noticed his body’s slow deterioration, observing that he developed the telltale liver spots, gray hair, and gaunt face that so many of the elderly display. Of course, Mr. Douglas knew the risks, but once he started dabbling in age past 80 or 90 years, all that time began to catch up with him.” Ward went on to tell reporters he hoped this tragedy would serve as a cautionary tale, and warned anyone with an octogenarian in their family to seek help before it was too late.


theonion--2020-02-06--Senate Republicans Say One Mistake Should Not Ruin The Life Of A Naive, Promising Young Man Like Tru

Senate Republicans Say One Mistake Should Not Ruin The Life Of A Naive, Promising Young Man Like Trump

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the impressionable youth wasn ’ t aware of any wrongdoing , Senate Republicans spoke out Thursday saying that one mistake shouldn ’ t ruin the life of a naive , promising young man like President Donald Trump .
“ Sure , withholding military aid to an ally in wartime in order to secure an investigation into a political rival isn ’ t the best , but it ’ s wrong to squander all of this bright young man ’ s potential over one little abuse of power , ” said Senator Mitch McConnell ( R-KY ) , explaining @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back and find a time in pretty much anyone ’ s life when they tried to compel a foreign government to interfere in a national election because they didn ’ t know any better .
“ It would be unfair to blemish this gifted young man ’ s record forever just because he committed a single high crime in his 70s .
Just ask yourself : do we really want this one miscarriage of public trust in democratic institutions to follow him for the rest of his life ?
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump still had an entire life of undermining democracy for his personal benefit ahead of him .

WASHINGTON—Insisting that the impressionable youth wasn’t aware of any wrongdoing, Senate Republicans spoke out Thursday saying that one mistake shouldn’t ruin the life of a naive, promising young man like President Donald Trump. “Sure, withholding military aid to an ally in wartime in order to secure an investigation into a political rival isn’t the best, but it’s wrong to squander all of this bright young man’s potential over one little abuse of power,” said Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), explaining that it would be easy to look back and find a time in pretty much anyone’s life when they tried to compel a foreign government to interfere in a national election because they didn’t know any better. “It would be unfair to blemish this gifted young man’s record forever just because he committed a single high crime in his 70s. Just ask yourself: do we really want this one miscarriage of public trust in democratic institutions to follow him for the rest of his life?” At press time, McConnell was heartened that an acquitted Trump still had an entire life of undermining democracy for his personal benefit ahead of him.


theonion--2020-02-06--Trump Spends National Prayer Breakfast Attacking God For Allowing Impeachment To Ever Happen

WASHINGTON—Unleashing a tirade on the supreme deity in an overtly partisan display at the traditionally nonpolitical event , President Donald Trump spent Thursday ’ s National Prayer Breakfast fiercely attacking God for allowing impeachment to ever happen .
“ As everyone knows , my family , your great country , and the presidency have been put through the ringer by this supposedly great God and the crooked angels who let this hoax happen , ” said the president , boasting that his approval rating was far higher than the Lord ’ s would ever be while holding aloft a copy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Trump acquitted ” headline and quipping that the Almighty did not seem so all-powerful anymore .
“ Honestly , folks , this is a very dishonest and corrupt creator we ’ re talking about .
He says He loves everybody , but He ’ s really a fool and a liar .
Frankly , our maker never should have been given the power to create the Universe , let alone pull the strings to humiliate me in front of the entire country .
Hate to say it , but it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gathering of Christian preachers and prayer groups gave Trump a thunderous standing ovation after the president said that the Lord could eat shit and he was looking forward to when His Holiness finally died .

WASHINGTON—Unleashing a tirade on the supreme deity in an overtly partisan display at the traditionally nonpolitical event, President Donald Trump spent Thursday’s National Prayer Breakfast fiercely attacking God for allowing impeachment to ever happen. “As everyone knows, my family, your great country, and the presidency have been put through the ringer by this supposedly great God and the crooked angels who let this hoax happen,” said the president, boasting that his approval rating was far higher than the Lord’s would ever be while holding aloft a copy of The Washington Post’s front-page “Trump acquitted” headline and quipping that the Almighty did not seem so all-powerful anymore. “Honestly, folks, this is a very dishonest and corrupt creator we’re talking about. He says He loves everybody, but He’s really a fool and a liar. Frankly, our maker never should have been given the power to create the Universe, let alone pull the strings to humiliate me in front of the entire country. Hate to say it, but it’s true.” At press time, the gathering of Christian preachers and prayer groups gave Trump a thunderous standing ovation after the president said that the Lord could eat shit and he was looking forward to when His Holiness finally died.


theonion--2020-02-06--Lin-Manuel Miranda: ‘You People Are Giving Me Too Much Fucking Money’

NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he ’ d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood , Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda announced Thursday that “ You people are giving me too much fucking money.
” “ Holy hell , I wrote one musical about a founding father , and you goddamn lunatics are throwing millions of dollars at me like I invented theater or something .
Get a grip , ” said Miranda , who wondered aloud if Disney would still have paid $ 75 million to acquire the rights to his play , Hamilton , if they knew @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in one night after reading the dude ’ s biography.
” “ Why am I getting paid to go on late-night shows and freestyle with the host ?
Or voice a cartoon character in an episode of some animated show ?
I ’ m touched you all liked the rap songs , but stop with the big bucks because it ’ s getting embarrassing .
I ’ m just one guy in an entire industry of people struggling to make any money at all.
” Miranda urged anyone who wanted to give him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cash at whoever wrote Wicked because that shit is incredible .
”

NEW YORK—Noting the fat paychecks he’d received for his work on Broadway and in Hollywood, Hamilton star Lin-Manuel Miranda announced Thursday that “You people are giving me too much fucking money.” “Holy hell, I wrote one musical about a founding father, and you goddamn lunatics are throwing millions of dollars at me like I invented theater or something. Get a grip,” said Miranda, who wondered aloud if Disney would still have paid $75 million to acquire the rights to his play, Hamilton, if they knew he’d “shit it out in one night after reading the dude’s biography.” “Why am I getting paid to go on late-night shows and freestyle with the host? Or voice a cartoon character in an episode of some animated show? I’m touched you all liked the rap songs, but stop with the big bucks because it’s getting embarrassing. I’m just one guy in an entire industry of people struggling to make any money at all.” Miranda urged anyone who wanted to give him more money to instead “throw some cash at whoever wrote Wicked because that shit is incredible.”


theonion--2020-02-06--The Hardest Boss Battles Of All Time

The Hardest Boss Battles Of All Time

There ’ s nothing like triumphing over a nigh-unbeatable boss , and no amount of screaming or controller throwing can convince us otherwise .
But a few boss battles rise above the pack as truly unforgettable gaming experiences .
Here is OGN ’ s definitive list of the the hardest boss battles of all time .
This one-of-a-kind final Pokémon is notorious for disarming opponents with its pure sexual magnetism , forcing even the most skilled trainers to wonder if they should just throw it all away for one crazy weekend of passion .
This gas-mask-wearing mindreader is literally impossible @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just have to unplug your controller , eject the game , break it over your knee , and never think about one of these bloated examples of Hideo Kojima ’ s exhausting creative vision again .
Modeled after the real-life Mike Tyson in every way , whenever you have this character on the ropes , he simply declares bankruptcy to get out of trouble .
While on the surface Master Hand appears to be just any old disembodied hand , it ’ s actually an identical replica of the hands of one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Jackie Chan , thus making this battle a tough one to win .
Even the most battle-hardened hunters find themselves disarmed by the quiet dignity behind this monster ’ s eyes , the undeniable spark of soul that makes you stop and ask why its life should be considered any less meaningful than your own .
This provides just the opening Rajang needs to seamlessly combo into its one-shot lightning beam attack and obliterate your character .
Grabbing Bowser by the tail and spinning him around may seem like an easy task @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the more difficult by Mario ’ s hands being covered in bacon grease .
Unfortunately , eating bacon is the only way to restore health in this game , meaning Bowser will likely slip from your grasp over and over again .
It ’ s been 35 years since its release , and still no one has found a way to kill this awful little man .
Anyone who ’ s played this skateboarding classic remembers its soul-crushing finale , in which your mom steps in the room and asks you to pause @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about something important before bringing you into the kitchen to meet your new stepdad .

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

There’s nothing like triumphing over a nigh-unbeatable boss, and no amount of screaming or controller throwing can convince us otherwise. But a few boss battles rise above the pack as truly unforgettable gaming experiences. Here is OGN’s definitive list of the the hardest boss battles of all time.
Mewtwo (Pokémon Red And Blue):
This one-of-a-kind final Pokémon is notorious for disarming opponents with its pure sexual magnetism, forcing even the most skilled trainers to wonder if they should just throw it all away for one crazy weekend of passion.
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Psycho Mantis (Metal Gear Solid):
This gas-mask-wearing mindreader is literally impossible to beat until you figure out you just have to unplug your controller, eject the game, break it over your knee, and never think about one of these bloated examples of Hideo Kojima’s exhausting creative vision again.
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Mike Tyson (Punch Out):
Modeled after the real-life Mike Tyson in every way, whenever you have this character on the ropes, he simply declares bankruptcy to get out of trouble.
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Master Hand (Super Smash Bros.):
While on the surface Master Hand appears to be just any old disembodied hand, it’s actually an identical replica of the hands of one of the greatest combat artists of our time, Jackie Chan, thus making this battle a tough one to win.
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Rajang (Monster Hunter World: Iceborne):
Even the most battle-hardened hunters find themselves disarmed by the quiet dignity behind this monster’s eyes, the undeniable spark of soul that makes you stop and ask why its life should be considered any less meaningful than your own. This provides just the opening Rajang needs to seamlessly combo into its one-shot lightning beam attack and obliterate your character.
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Bowser ( Super Mario 64 ):
Grabbing Bowser by the tail and spinning him around may seem like an easy task, but it’s made all the more difficult by Mario’s hands being covered in bacon grease. Unfortunately, eating bacon is the only way to restore health in this game, meaning Bowser will likely slip from your grasp over and over again.
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Toad (Super Mario Bros.):
It’s been 35 years since its release, and still no one has found a way to kill this awful little man.
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Tony Hawk (Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3):
Anyone who’s played this skateboarding classic remembers its soul-crushing finale, in which your mom steps in the room and asks you to pause the game so that you can talk about something important before bringing you into the kitchen to meet your new stepdad.


theonion--2020-02-06--Sanders Makes Last-Minute Appeal To Moderates By Reminding Them All His Policies Would End Up Being

Sanders Makes Last-Minute Appeal To Moderates By Reminding Them All His Policies Would End Up Being Watered Down To Their Positions Anyway

MANCHESTER , NH—In a last-minute attempt to court the much-sought-after demographic , Senator Bernie Sanders appealed to a town hall of moderates Thursday by reminding them all of his policies would wind up getting watered down enough to match their positions anyway .
“ Listen , I understand many of you are nervous about my so-called radical stances on healthcare and abolishing ICE , but I ’ d urge you to remember they will ultimately be so diluted by the political process and left so utterly toothless that none of you could possibly oppose the end result , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since two-thirds of all Senate Democrats are on the record as not backing his Medicare For All proposal , even placing it on his website was at best wishful thinking compared to the sort of slight incremental progress that his White House would realistically be able to enact .
“ Let ’ s be honest here : Based on the center-leaning composition of Congress and where we stand ideologically as a country , my administration would be very lucky to even get a public option on the books .
So what I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worry .
By the time the lobbyists get through with gutting my platform , it ’ ll only be palatable to ineffectual middle-of-the-road voters like yourselves.
” At press time , Sanders had received a standing ovation from the gathering after he closed his speech by noting that many of his far-left supporters would likely end up despising him for the compromises he would be forced to make as president .

MANCHESTER, NH—In a last-minute attempt to court the much-sought-after demographic, Senator Bernie Sanders appealed to a town hall of moderates Thursday by reminding them all of his policies would wind up getting watered down enough to match their positions anyway. “Listen, I understand many of you are nervous about my so-called radical stances on healthcare and abolishing ICE, but I’d urge you to remember they will ultimately be so diluted by the political process and left so utterly toothless that none of you could possibly oppose the end result,” said Sanders, assuring the center-left voters that since two-thirds of all Senate Democrats are on the record as not backing his Medicare For All proposal, even placing it on his website was at best wishful thinking compared to the sort of slight incremental progress that his White House would realistically be able to enact. “Let’s be honest here: Based on the center-leaning composition of Congress and where we stand ideologically as a country, my administration would be very lucky to even get a public option on the books. So what I’m saying here is don’t worry. By the time the lobbyists get through with gutting my platform, it’ll only be palatable to ineffectual middle-of-the-road voters like yourselves.” At press time, Sanders had received a standing ovation from the gathering after he closed his speech by noting that many of his far-left supporters would likely end up despising him for the compromises he would be forced to make as president.


theonion--2020-02-07--Bumblebee Disappearance Linked To Extreme Heat

Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes , driving the insects to be half as likely @ @ @ @ @ America as they were in 1901 .
What do you think ?
“ Good riddance @ @ @ @ @ just fine carrying my own pollen back and forth.
” “ Yeah , I felt @ @ @ @ @ daily frolic through the flowers.
” “ Oh , does the poor little species need @ @ @ @ @ ”

Researchers found a rapid decline in bumblebees linked to climate changes, driving the insects to be half as likely to be found in North America as they were in 1901. What do you think?
“Good riddance! I’ve done just fine carrying my own pollen back and forth.” Arla Gill • Systems Analyst
“Yeah, I felt something was off during my daily frolic through the flowers.” Murphy Reid • Allergy Activist
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theonion--2020-02-07--Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle

Timeline Of The Iowa Caucuses Debacle

The Iowa caucuses , where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election , became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction .
The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle .
Iowa caucuses system implemented on first day of America .
Thousands of Iowans kiss families goodbye for last time before entering designated caucus locations .
Border precincts yell into Nebraska to see if anyone there can help with app .
Denver resident Amy Stanton ’ s friends leave her to clean up mess after her caucus viewing party @ @ @ @ @ @ @ DNC official Googles rules of rounding decimal numbers for 10,000th time of day .
Iowa Democratic Party announces plan to trickle out information about single vote every day for next 17,000 months .
Marion , IA resident Terry Walker begins to lose faith in Bernie Sanders ’ ability to accurately convey how little political establishment cares about voters .
Democratic Party officials scrambling to find someone less qualified to do Tom Perez ’ s job .
Election officials hail intractable first-place tie between Sanders and Buttigieg as victory for more voters than ever @ @

The Iowa caucuses, where the first votes were tallied for the 2020 presidential election, became a days-long fiasco largely due to an app malfunction. The Onion offers a look at the key events of the Iowa caucuses debacle.
Friday, July 5, 1776, 5:01 AM:
Iowa caucuses system implemented on first day of America.
Tuesday, Jan. 7, 2020, 8:27 PM:
Democratic National Committee’s plan to sabotage caucuses finalized.
Thursday, Jan. 30, 3:26 PM:
For-profit tech company Shadow assures DNC that election app cost millions of dollars.
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Sunday, Feb. 2, 8:01 AM:
Iowa precinct chairs downloading app unknowingly release all personal data to Shadow.
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Monday, Feb. 3, 6:30 PM:
Thousands of Iowans kiss families goodbye for last time before entering designated caucus locations.
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Monday, Feb. 3, 10:23 PM:
Border precincts yell into Nebraska to see if anyone there can help with app.
Monday, Feb. 3, 11:38 PM:
Denver resident Amy Stanton’s friends leave her to clean up mess after her caucus viewing party totally ruined by lack of results.
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Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:01 AM:
Pete Buttigieg begins assembling cabinet.
Tuesday, Feb. 4, 1:19 PM:
Media declares Iowa caucuses incredibly significant symbol of irrelevance.
Tuesday, Feb. 4, 4:13 PM:
DNC official Googles rules of rounding decimal numbers for 10,000th time of day.
Tuesday, Feb. 4, 6:02 PM:
Joe Biden takes consolation in fact that Iowa’s embarrassment eclipses his.
Wednesday, Feb. 5, 10:09 AM:
Iowa Democratic Party announces plan to trickle out information about single vote every day for next 17,000 months.
Advertisement
Wednesday, Feb. 5, 5:12 PM:
Marion, IA resident Terry Walker begins to lose faith in Bernie Sanders’ ability to accurately convey how little political establishment cares about voters.
Advertisement
Thursday, Feb. 6, 11:20 AM:
Democratic Party officials scrambling to find someone less qualified to do Tom Perez’s job.
Advertisement
Thursday, Feb. 6, 8:30 PM:
Election officials hail intractable first-place tie between Sanders and Buttigieg as victory for more voters than ever before.
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Friday, Feb. 7, 4:02 PM:
Fuck it, Tom Steyer declares victory too.


theonion--2020-02-07--Parkinson’s Gene Waiting To Switch On Until Everything Finally Falling Into Place For Local Man

ST. LOUIS—Claiming it was simply biding its time before it wreaks total havoc on the 55-year-old ’ s brain , a Parkinson ’ s gene confirmed Friday that it was waiting to switch on until the moment when everything in local man Lee Madbury ’ s life has at long last fallen into place .
“ Once he ’ s happily remarried , saved enough for retirement , and received the long-awaited news that he ’ s going to be a grandfather , that ’ s when I ’ m really going to let him have it , ” the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the man whose career and relationships have had their ups and downs over the decades but who will soon put a down payment on the lake house where he has long dreamed of spending his golden years with the love of his life .
“ As soon as he ’ s made it to a point where , for the very first time , he finally feels at peace , finally feels able to enjoy himself and even just be himself—at that exact instant , I ’ ll start killing off the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ laying waste to his central nervous system .
Until then , however , I ’ m willing to wait patiently , just lying here dormant in his DNA without anyone suspecting a thing.
” The Parkinson ’ s gene went on to state that it would also be willing to activate immediately if Madbury were ever to lose his health insurance .

ST. LOUIS—Claiming it was simply biding its time before it wreaks total havoc on the 55-year-old’s brain, a Parkinson’s gene confirmed Friday that it was waiting to switch on until the moment when everything in local man Lee Madbury’s life has at long last fallen into place. “Once he’s happily remarried, saved enough for retirement, and received the long-awaited news that he’s going to be a grandfather, that’s when I’m really going to let him have it,” the degenerative disorder said of its forthcoming attack on the man whose career and relationships have had their ups and downs over the decades but who will soon put a down payment on the lake house where he has long dreamed of spending his golden years with the love of his life. “As soon as he’s made it to a point where, for the very first time, he finally feels at peace, finally feels able to enjoy himself and even just be himself—at that exact instant, I’ll start killing off the cells in his basal ganglia and absolutely laying waste to his central nervous system. Until then, however, I’m willing to wait patiently, just lying here dormant in his DNA without anyone suspecting a thing.” The Parkinson’s gene went on to state that it would also be willing to activate immediately if Madbury were ever to lose his health insurance.


theonion--2020-02-07--A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion

A Shocking Scene Of Rebellion

Onlookers were stunned in Lansing , MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his @ @ @ @ @ is presented by Cash App , the # 1 finance app in the app store @ @ @ @ @ the App Store or Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
@ @ @ @ @ $ 10 but Cash App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated @ @ @ @ @ You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and @ @

Onlookers were stunned in Lansing, MI after witnessing a rebellious young man who had the audacity to dye his hair blue.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-07--The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actresses

Fun Fact : Her titular character Bridget Jones inspired a group called the People ’ s Temple Agricultural Project to @ @ @ @ @ where they laughed about the foibles of Looks More Like A : Lizzie or Maggie @ @ @ @ @ it was in 2001

Renée Zellweger
Fun Fact: Her titular character Bridget Jones inspired a group called the People’s Temple Agricultural Project to establish a South American settlement where they laughed about the foibles of modern dating and eventually committed mass suicide
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Looks More Like A: Lizzie or Maggie
Relevancy: 1/128 of what it was in 2001


theonion--2020-02-07--Buttigieg Touts Progress Connecting With Black Fortune 500 Executives

SOUTH BEND , IN—Addressing concerns over his campaign ’ s marked lack of inclusion , Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg touted significant progress he made Friday connecting with black Fortune 500 executives .
“ I ’ ve heard your concerns , and over the past few weeks , I ’ ve made great efforts to not just talk to but listen to prominent members of the African American consulting community , ” said the former South Bend mayor , emphasizing that he had hosted several round tables across the country where he had personal , one-on-one conversations with black VPs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Silicon Valley tech giants .
“ While I might not have lived the same experiences , I hope that my campaign will feel inclusive to all executives of color , in all management levels , regardless of whether they attended Harvard or Yale .
As someone who worked at McKinsey myself , I know firsthand that we can ’ t win the presidency without them.
” At press time , Buttigieg unveiled a new plan to diversify his campaign staff by hiring a single black finance executive to the Pete 2020 board @

SOUTH BEND, IN—Addressing concerns over his campaign’s marked lack of inclusion, Democratic presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg touted significant progress he made Friday connecting with black Fortune 500 executives. “I’ve heard your concerns, and over the past few weeks, I’ve made great efforts to not just talk to but listen to prominent members of the African American consulting community,” said the former South Bend mayor, emphasizing that he had hosted several round tables across the country where he had personal, one-on-one conversations with black VPs of weapons manufacturers, pharmaceutical companies, and Silicon Valley tech giants. “While I might not have lived the same experiences, I hope that my campaign will feel inclusive to all executives of color, in all management levels, regardless of whether they attended Harvard or Yale. As someone who worked at McKinsey myself, I know firsthand that we can’t win the presidency without them.” At press time, Buttigieg unveiled a new plan to diversify his campaign staff by hiring a single black finance executive to the Pete 2020 board.


theonion--2020-02-07--Bernie Madoff Asks For Prison Release

Bernie Madoff Asks For Prison Release

“ Imagine how terrible it would be to not only be sentenced to life in prison but to also have @ @ @ @ @

“Imagine how terrible it would be to not only be sentenced to life in prison but to also have to die there.”
Grace McDonnell • Chess Referee


theonion--2020-02-07--The Onion’s Guide To The 2020 Oscars: Best Actors

Movie He Is Most Proud Of : None .
An actor is never content , for that is not the @ @ @ @ @ He must grow , change , adapt , or else die .
Greatest Achievement : @ @ @ @ @ Star Wars franchise

Adam Driver
Movie He Is Most Proud Of: None. An actor is never content, for that is not the actor’s job. He must grow, change, adapt, or else die.
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Military Rank: Eagle Scout
Greatest Achievement: Gamely putting up with the Star Wars franchise


theonion--2020-02-07--Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hos

Movie Expedition Team Annoyed They Only Getting Briefed On Mission Right Before Parachuting Onto Hostile Island

INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer , a movie expedition team , the Specters , was annoyed Friday that they were only getting briefed on their mission right before parachuting into enemy territory .
“ Christ , we barely spoke on this 14-hour plane ride , and now we ’ re finally getting briefed once the hatch has opened and it ’ s fucking impossible to hear anything , ” said Marines special forces officer Connor Davies , bemoaning the total lack of reconnaissance his team was provided prior to making landfall and expressing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ rendezvous point.
” “ I wish we could ’ ve seen this chart about our 3 % chance of survival before we signed up for this .
Someone could ’ ve told us our assignments while we were putting on our gear .
I guess it ’ s partially my fault for allowing myself to get on the plane without asking where we were going first , but still , I figured we ’ d get a little more intel than a curt ‘ Head out , Marines ’ before jumping out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , Davies was surprised that he knew exactly how to infiltrate the enemy base and kill the ringleader .

INDIAN OCEAN—Expressing frustration over a lack of communication from their commanding officer, a movie expedition team, the Specters, was annoyed Friday that they were only getting briefed on their mission right before parachuting into enemy territory. “Christ, we barely spoke on this 14-hour plane ride, and now we’re finally getting briefed once the hatch has opened and it’s fucking impossible to hear anything,” said Marines special forces officer Connor Davies, bemoaning the total lack of reconnaissance his team was provided prior to making landfall and expressing confusion over the passing mention of a “rendezvous point.” “I wish we could’ve seen this chart about our 3% chance of survival before we signed up for this. Someone could’ve told us our assignments while we were putting on our gear. I guess it’s partially my fault for allowing myself to get on the plane without asking where we were going first, but still, I figured we’d get a little more intel than a curt ‘Head out, Marines’ before jumping out of a goddamn plane.” At press time, Davies was surprised that he knew exactly how to infiltrate the enemy base and kill the ringleader.


theonion--2020-02-07--EPA Thugs Violently Beat Endangered Toad Who Hasn’t Paid Protection Money

BASTROP , TX—Bursting into the amphibian ’ s native woodlands with their sleeves rolled up and bludgeons in hand , a group of EPA thugs violently beat and endangered a Houston Toad Friday after the 2-year-old male failed to pay them protection money .
“ Look , you know the deal—either you cough up the dough , or tomorrow morning , you could end up floating face down in this nice little creek over there , okay ?
” said one of muscular , suited tough guys from Washington D.C. , as he threw the toad against a tree , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ held a knife up to its neck while screaming profanities .
“ You think we ’ re just two stupid EPA lackeys , and that we ’ re going to let you live off the fat of the earth for free ?
No , we ’ ve been running this federal land for generations , and whether you ’ re a toad , a fuckin ’ fish , or that cute little symbiotic tree frog friend of yours , we always take a cut .
And who knows ?
I know you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ here somewhere , don ’ t think we won ’ t come for them too .
You ’ ve got three days.
” At press time , the toad had awoken next to the head of its mate lying under its pile of leaves .

BASTROP, TX—Bursting into the amphibian’s native woodlands with their sleeves rolled up and bludgeons in hand, a group of EPA thugs violently beat and endangered a Houston Toad Friday after the 2-year-old male failed to pay them protection money. “Look, you know the deal—either you cough up the dough, or tomorrow morning, you could end up floating face down in this nice little creek over there, okay?” said one of muscular, suited tough guys from Washington D.C., as he threw the toad against a tree, stomped on its burrow, and then held a knife up to its neck while screaming profanities. “You think we’re just two stupid EPA lackeys, and that we’re going to let you live off the fat of the earth for free? No, we’ve been running this federal land for generations, and whether you’re a toad, a fuckin’ fish, or that cute little symbiotic tree frog friend of yours, we always take a cut. And who knows? I know you’ve got a bunch of eggs around here somewhere, don’t think we won’t come for them too. You’ve got three days.” At press time, the toad had awoken next to the head of its mate lying under its pile of leaves.