theonion--2020-12-10--New Instant Pot Comes With Recipe Book For Easy Weeknight IEDs

KANATA , ONTARIO—To demonstrate how the popular multicooker can be used to prepare a variety of quick and deadly bombs , the latest version of the Instant Pot comes with a recipe book for easy , weeknight improvised explosive devices , sources confirmed Thursday .
“ This helpful guide provides step-by-step instructions on how to use your Instant Pot to cook up simple , yet highly destructive projectile charges that will absolutely blow people away , ” read the introduction to the book , which goes on to claim that whether you ’ re a recently activated guerilla in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the new pressure cooker makes it easier than ever to whip up a homemade fertilizer bomb or roadside IED .
“ All you need to do is throw in some nails , add a bit of ammonium nitrate , and turn it on high .
Then simply walk away and let the Instant Pot do the rest .
It ’ s so easy , even kids can do it !
” The recipe book went on to advertise a bigger , eig ht -quart model for when you need to serve up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ family gathering .

KANATA, ONTARIO—To demonstrate how the popular multicooker can be used to prepare a variety of quick and deadly bombs, the latest version of the Instant Pot comes with a recipe book for easy, weeknight improvised explosive devices, sources confirmed Thursday. “This helpful guide provides step-by-step instructions on how to use your Instant Pot to cook up simple, yet highly destructive projectile charges that will absolutely blow people away,” read the introduction to the book, which goes on to claim that whether you’re a recently activated guerilla in a sleeper cell or just another lone-wolf extremist, the new pressure cooker makes it easier than ever to whip up a homemade fertilizer bomb or roadside IED. “All you need to do is throw in some nails, add a bit of ammonium nitrate, and turn it on high. Then simply walk away and let the Instant Pot do the rest. It’s so easy, even kids can do it!” The recipe book went on to advertise a bigger, eig ht -quart model for when you need to serve up vengeance and chaos at a large civilian family gathering.


theonion--2020-12-10--What To Know About The Georgia Senate Runoffs

On January 5 , Georgia voters will return to the polls to vote in runoff elections for both of the state ’ s Senate seats .
The Onion answers the most pressing questions about the Georgia Senate runoffs .
Q : Why are there runoff elections ?
A : Georgia state law requires a runoff when results indicate Black voters were insufficiently disenfranchised the first time around .
Q : Who are the candidates ?
A : Four total losers who couldn ’ t win an election outright .
Q : Is there anything I should know about the candidates @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is listed on the ballot .
Q : Why is turnout expected to be lower than in the general election ?
A : With runoffs in January , Georgians may balk at waiting in line to vote when it ’ s a bone-chilling 70 degrees outside .
Q : What do the polls say ?
A : Polls show a dead heat , so the Democrats can expect to lose by 6 to 10 points .
Q : Is the election secure ?
A : That all depends on who wins .
Q @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 50 % of the vote again ?
A : Georgia loses its Senate seats as punishment for being indecisive .
Q : What ’ s at stake ?
A : Nothing .
Regardless of outcome , Mitch McConnell will find a way to control every aspect of your life .

On January 5, Georgia voters will return to the polls to vote in runoff elections for both of the state’s Senate seats. The Onion answers the most pressing questions about the Georgia Senate runoffs.
Q: Why are there runoff elections?
A: Georgia state law requires a runoff when results indicate Black voters were insufficiently disenfranchised the first time around.
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Q: Who are the candidates?
A: Four total losers who couldn’t win an election outright.
Q: Is there anything I should know about the candidates?
A: No, party affiliation is listed on the ballot.
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Q: Why is turnout expected to be lower than in the general election?
A: With runoffs in January, Georgians may balk at waiting in line to vote when it’s a bone-chilling 70 degrees outside.
Q: What do the polls say?
A: Polls show a dead heat, so the Democrats can expect to lose by 6 to 10 points.
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Q: Is the election secure?
A: That all depends on who wins.
Q: What happens if no candidate gets 50% of the vote again?
A: Georgia loses its Senate seats as punishment for being indecisive.
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Q: What’s at stake?
A: Nothing. Regardless of outcome, Mitch McConnell will find a way to control every aspect of your life.


theonion--2020-12-10--CDC Announces Everyone Who Will Receive Vaccine Has Already Been Notified

WASHINGTON—Thanking the many Americans who showed interest in getting inoculated against Covid -19 , the CDC announced Thursday that everyone @ @ @ @ @ has already been notified .
“ If you have not received an official phone call @ @ @ @ @ the date and time of your vaccination appointment , you can assume that you will @ @ @ @ @ ” said CDC director Robert Redfield , noting that the application deadline for Americans requesting @ @ @ @ @ deadly disease rampaging across the country had passed and all doses of the vaccine had @ @ @ @ @ are more than welcome to join the wait- list in case a vial opens up @ @ @ @ @ be honest with you : T hat ’ s not very likely .
There is @ @ @ @ @ another batch of the vaccine by 2024 ; however , those future recipients have already @ @ @ @ @ Redfield strongly advised anyone who was not currently scheduled to be injected with the life-saving @ @ @ @ @ indefinitely .

WASHINGTON—Thanking the many Americans who showed interest in getting inoculated against Covid -19, the CDC announced Thursday that everyone who will receive the vaccine has already been notified. “If you have not received an official phone call or letter by now with the date and time of your vaccination appointment, you can assume that you will not be getting one,” said CDC director Robert Redfield, noting that the application deadline for Americans requesting to be vaccinated against the deadly disease rampaging across the country had passed and all doses of the vaccine had been claimed. “You are more than welcome to join the wait- list in case a vial opens up, but I’ll be honest with you: T hat’s not very likely. There is hope that we could have another batch of the vaccine by 2024; however, those future recipients have already been notified as well.” Redfield strongly advised anyone who was not currently scheduled to be injected with the life-saving vaccine to shelter in place indefinitely.


theonion--2020-12-11--All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged

All The News That 83-Year-Old Tabitha Williams Wants To Hear, As She’s The Only Listener Who Pledged More Than $25 To The Topical’s Patreon This Month

Sorry , but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests , or just the national landscape in @ @ @ @ @ have been a little more generous toward our Patreon .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Sorry, but if you wanted to hear news relevant to your interests, or just the national landscape in general, then you should have been a little more generous toward our Patreon.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-11--Mom Flatly Informs 30-Year-Old Son He’s Getting 3 Sweaters And A Nintendo Switch For Christmas

WILMINGTON , DE—Dispensing with any air of formality , local mother Linda Southerton flatly informed her 30-year-old son James that @ @ @ @ @ sweaters and a Nintendo Switch for Christmas , sources confirmed Friday .
“ Hi , @ @ @ @ @ ’ m sending you this year , ” said Southeron in a brief , clipped @ @ @ @ @ son that the sweaters had been on sale at Banana Republic and had only cost @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m about to click ‘ Purchase , ’ so they should arrive by @ @ @ @ @ away to see if they fit , and if you don ’ t want the @ @ @ @ @ email you the receipt so you can return it to Target.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ in to ask if it would be easier to just send a check for $ @ @

WILMINGTON, DE—Dispensing with any air of formality, local mother Linda Southerton flatly informed her 30-year-old son James that he would be getting three sweaters and a Nintendo Switch for Christmas, sources confirmed Friday. “Hi, here’s what I’m sending you this year,” said Southeron in a brief, clipped phone call, notifying her son that the sweaters had been on sale at Banana Republic and had only cost $60 altogether. “I’m about to click ‘Purchase, ’ so they should arrive by Thursday—you can open them right away to see if they fit, and if you don’t want the Switch, I’ll email you the receipt so you can return it to Target.” At press time, Southerton had called aga in to ask if it would be easier to just send a check for $350.


theonion--2020-12-11--Guy Fieri Raises $21.5 Million For Unemployed Restaurant Workers

Food Network star Guy Fieri , host Diners , Drive-ins And Dives , has raised over $ 21.5 for restaurant @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ That ’ s a shit-ton of money when @ @ @ @ @ “ I feel bad for all the other countries without celebrity chef resources.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ s just doing it because he ’ s experiencing genuine human empathy .
”

Food Network star Guy Fieri, host Diners, Drive-ins And Dives, has raised over $21.5 for restaurant workers struggling during the pandemic. What do you think?
“That’s a shit-ton of money when you factor in tip.” Constance Greene • Shroom Farmer
“I feel bad for all the other countries without celebrity chef resources.” Guy Palmer • Playground Specialist
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theonion--2020-12-11--‘The Onion’ Salutes The Courageous Legislators Determined To Overturn The Will Of Voters

If you didn ’ t act , many Americans would think that they could get away with voting .

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Johnson: Fourth Congressional District of Louisiana List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Johnson: Fourth Congressional District of Louisiana Thank you for bravely standing up to the American voters. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Gary Palmer: Sixth Congressional District of Alabama List slides U.S. Rep. Gary Palmer: Sixth Congressional District of Alabama It is an honor to witness such valor.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Steve Scalise: First Congressional District of Louisiana List slides U.S. Rep. Steve Scalise: First Congressional District of Louisiana Bravo for confronting the sick and twisted sycophants who would attempt to select the candidate of their choice.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Jim Jordan: Fourth Congressional District of Ohio List slides U.S. Rep. Jim Jordan: Fourth Congressional District of Ohio Sir, you have served your country well, fighting against the scourge of Democracy as well as the menace of exposing sexual abuse.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ralph Abraham: Fifth Congressional District of Louisiana List slides U.S. Rep. Ralph Abraham: Fifth Congressional District of Louisiana It takes true grit to defy those who would dare to cast a ballot.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Rick W. Allen: 12th Congressional District of Georgia List slides U.S. Rep. Rick W. Allen: 12th Congressional District of Georgia Please never back down from your constituents.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. James R. Baird: Fourth Congressional District of Indiana List slides U.S. Rep. James R. Baird: Fourth Congressional District of Indiana We The People applaud you for confronting We The People.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Jim Banks: Third Congressional District of Indiana List slides U.S. Rep. Jim Banks: Third Congressional District of Indiana Thank you for protecting us from liberalism.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Jack Bergman: First Congressional District of Michigan List slides U.S. Rep. Jack Bergman: First Congressional District of Michigan We are blessed to have you working tirelessly to throw out the votes of Michigan residents.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Andy Biggs: Fifth Congressional District of Arizona List slides U.S. Rep. Andy Biggs: Fifth Congressional District of Arizona We need you to help destroy the U.S. Constitution next.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Gus Bilirakis: 12th Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. Gus Bilirakis: 12th Congressional District of Florida You have been absolutely fearless when stopping the American people from participating in elections.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Dan Bishop: Ninth Congressional District of North Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Dan Bishop: Ninth Congressional District of North Carolina You now stand shoulder to shoulder with many of the Confederate leaders.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Bost: 12th Congressional District of Illinois List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Bost: 12th Congressional District of Illinois The American people will never forget your bravery.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 15 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Kevin Brady: Eighth Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Kevin Brady: Eighth Congressional District of Texas You’re inspiring millions of children to never accept election results.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 16 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Mo Brooks: Fifth Congressional District of Alabama List slides U.S. Rep. Mo Brooks: Fifth Congressional District of Alabama If more people had your spine, the entire country would be like Alabama.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 17 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ken Buck: Fourth Congressional District of Colorado List slides U.S. Rep. Ken Buck: Fourth Congressional District of Colorado Tears are rolling down our faces, Mr. Congressman!
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Previous Slide Next Slide 18 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ted Budd: 13th Congressional District of North Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Ted Budd: 13th Congressional District of North Carolina Thank you for selflessly bringing to light the dangers of federalism.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 19 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Tim Burchett: Second Congressional District of Tennessee List slides U.S. Rep. Tim Burchett: Second Congressional District of Tennessee Never again will we allow U.S. citizens to recklessly turn in their ballots.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 20 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Michael C. Burgess: 26th Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Michael C. Burgess: 26th Congressional District of Texas Sure looks like heroes are just bigger in Texas.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 21 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Bradley Byrne: First Congressional District of Alabama List slides U.S. Rep. Bradley Byrne: First Congressional District of Alabama We know you’ll never stop fighting things like all 50 states certifying their election results.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 22 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ken Calvert: 42nd Congressional District of California List slides U.S. Rep. Ken Calvert: 42nd Congressional District of California From sea to shining sea, we shall throw out votes.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 23 / 108 List slides U.S. Re. Earl L. “Buddy” Carter: First Congressional District of Georgia List slides U.S. Re. Earl L. “Buddy” Carter: First Congressional District of Georgia Real patriotism is challenging the American people when they vote wrong.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 24 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ben Cline: Sixth Congressional District of Virginia List slides U.S. Rep. Ben Cline: Sixth Congressional District of Virginia More treading on the will of the people please.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 25 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Michael Cloud: 27th Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Michael Cloud: 27th Congressional District of Texas Sir, the f ounding f athers are bursting from their graves to tell you how proud they are.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 26 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Conaway: 11th Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Conaway: 11th Congressional District of Texas God hates American voters, too. You’re in good company.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 27 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Rick Crawford: First Congressional District of Arkansas List slides U.S. Rep. Rick Crawford: First Congressional District of Arkansas Liberty is about our rights to question whether some people’s votes should count.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 28 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Dan Crenshaw: Second Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Dan Crenshaw: Second Congressional District of Texas We applaud your eternal vigilance against people who selected a candidate you don’t like.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 29 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart: 25th Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. Mario Diaz-Balart: 25th Congressional District of Florida Never apologize for being an American who disenfranchises voters.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 30 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Jeff Duncan: Third Congressional District of South Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Jeff Duncan: Third Congressional District of South Carolina You have performed your duty to protect our elections from U.S. citizens.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 31 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Neal P. Dunn, M.D.: Second Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. Neal P. Dunn, M.D.: Second Congressional District of Florida Way to stand firm against voters from other states.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 32 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Tom Emmer: Sixth Congressional District of Minnesota List slides U.S. Rep. Tom Emmer: Sixth Congressional District of Minnesota Man is not free unless democracy is limited.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 33 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ron Estes: Fourth Congressional District of Kansas List slides U.S. Rep. Ron Estes: Fourth Congressional District of Kansas Thank you for protecting us from the horrors of the ballot box.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 34 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. A. Drew Ferguson, IV: Third Congressional District of Georgia List slides U.S. Rep. A. Drew Ferguson, IV: Third Congressional District of Georgia We are never defeated unless we count every single vote.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 35 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Chuck Fleischmann: Third Congressional District of Tennessee List slides U.S. Rep. Chuck Fleischmann: Third Congressional District of Tennessee We appreciate the things you do to marginalize voters.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 36 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Bill Flores: 17th Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Bill Flores: 17th Congressional District of Texas So blessed to have such courage in Congress.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 37 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Jeff Fortenberry: First Congressional District of Nebraska List slides U.S. Rep. Jeff Fortenberry: First Congressional District of Nebraska We are praying for your safety while disenfranchising millions of voters.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 38 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Virginia Foxx: Fifth Congressional District of North Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Virginia Foxx: Fifth Congressional District of North Carolina Thank you for sacrificing your ethics.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 39 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Russ Fulcher: First Congressional District of Idaho List slides U.S. Rep. Russ Fulcher: First Congressional District of Idaho You have fulfilled your duty. We will never fear the American voter again.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 40 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz: First Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. Matt Gaetz: First Congressional District of Florida We appreciate how you’ve protected our right to suppress the vote.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 41 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Greg Gianforte: At- Large Congressional District of Montana List slides U.S. Rep. Greg Gianforte: At- Large Congressional District of Montana Thank you for smacking democracy right in the face.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 42 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Bob Gibbs: Seventh Congressional District of Ohio List slides U.S. Rep. Bob Gibbs: Seventh Congressional District of Ohio There’s nothing more noble than defending your country from representative government.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 43 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert: First Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Louie Gohmert: First Congressional District of Texas America will never be destroyed without your help.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 44 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Lance Gooden: Fifth Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Lance Gooden: Fifth Congressional District of Texas You are the bravest among us.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 45 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Sam Graves: Sixth Congressional District of Missouri List slides U.S. Rep. Sam Graves: Sixth Congressional District of Missouri We must all work together to stand up to the oppression of government by the people.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 46 / 108 List slides U.S. Representative Mark Green: Seventh Congressional District of Tennessee List slides U.S. Representative Mark Green: Seventh Congressional District of Tennessee Keep on crushing the aspirations of the human spirit.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 47 / 108 List slides U.S. Representative Michael Guest: Third Congressional District of Mississippi List slides U.S. Representative Michael Guest: Third Congressional District of Mississippi Let freedom ring for some of the people.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 48 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Andy Harris, M.D.: First Congress ional District of Maryland List slides U.S. Rep. Andy Harris, M.D.: First Congress ional District of Maryland Proud of the way you stand for liberty, freedom, and independence from voters.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 49 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Vicky Hartzler: Fourth Congressional District of Missouri List slides U.S. Rep. Vicky Hartzler: Fourth Congressional District of Missouri Your bravery singlehandedly caused an entire nest of bald eagles to cry.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 50 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Kevin Hern: First Congressional District of Oklahoma List slides U.S. Rep. Kevin Hern: First Congressional District of Oklahoma Thank you for fighting for voter suppression.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 51 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Clay Higgins: Third Congressional District of Louisiana List slides U.S. Rep. Clay Higgins: Third Congressional District of Louisiana It takes a village to disenfranchise voters.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 52 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Trey Hollingsworth: Ninth Congressional District of Indiana List slides U.S. Rep. Trey Hollingsworth: Ninth Congressional District of Indiana Thank you for protecting the American people from their bad decisions at the polls.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 53 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Richard Hudson: Eighth Congressional District of North Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Richard Hudson: Eighth Congressional District of North Carolina You deserve a medal for speaking truth to sovereign power.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 54 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Bill Huizenga: Second Congressional District of Michigan List slides U.S. Rep. Bill Huizenga: Second Congressional District of Michigan Not to be picky, but there’s still a lot of other cornerstones of democracy that you could be quashing. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 55 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Bill Johnson: Sixth Congressional District of Ohio List slides U.S. Rep. Bill Johnson: Sixth Congressional District of Ohio FYI, it’s still cool to stop U.S. citizens from voting.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 56 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. John Joyce: 13th Congressional District of Pennsylvania List slides U.S. Rep. John Joyce: 13th Congressional District of Pennsylvania Thank you for helping tyranny gain a foothold.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 57 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Fred Keller: 12th Congressional District of Pennsylvania List slides U.S. Rep. Fred Keller: 12th Congressional District of Pennsylvania Freedom costs nothing if we don’t bother having it.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 58 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Kelly: 16th Congressional District of Pennsylvania List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Kelly: 16th Congressional District of Pennsylvania In the face of impossible odds, you did everything you could to overturn an election.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 59 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Trent Kelly: First Congressional District of Mississippi List slides U.S. Rep. Trent Kelly: First Congressional District of Mississippi Your boldness is greatly appreciated.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 60 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Steve King: Fourth Congressional District of Iowa List slides U.S. Rep. Steve King: Fourth Congressional District of Iowa You have served your country well while rejecting the will of the American people.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 61 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. David Kustoff: Eighth Congressional District of Tennessee List slides U.S. Rep. David Kustoff: Eighth Congressional District of Tennessee We appreciate your commitment to destroying the basic tenets of Western democratic rules. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 62 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Darin LaHood: 18th Congressional District of Illinois List slides U.S. Rep. Darin LaHood: 18th Congressional District of Illinois The bravery you displayed while eroding democracy will never be forgotten. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 63 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Doug LaMalfa: First Congressional District of California List slides U.S. Rep. Doug LaMalfa: First Congressional District of California Your tireless work to undermine democracy is incredibly selfless and kind.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 64 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Doug Lamborn: Fifth Congressional District of Colorado List slides U.S. Rep. Doug Lamborn: Fifth Congressional District of Colorado Thanks for not backing down from those who would want a free and fair election.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 65 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Robert E. Latta: Fifth Congressional District of Ohio List slides U.S. Rep. Robert E. Latta: Fifth Congressional District of Ohio You’ve displayed great courage while standing for un-American ideals.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 66 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Debbie Lesko: Eighth Congressional District of Arizona List slides U.S. Rep. Debbie Lesko: Eighth Congressional District of Arizona You have been fearless in the face of those who make a formal choice of a candidate. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 67 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Blaine Leutkemeyer: Third Congressional District of Missouri List slides U.S. Rep. Blaine Leutkemeyer: Third Congressional District of Missouri You’ve done so much to improve the diversity of voter suppression.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 68 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Kenny Marchant: 24th Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Kenny Marchant: 24th Congressional District of Texas The truest freedom is throwing out election results.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 69 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Roger Marshall, M.D.: First Congressional District of Kansas List slides U.S. Rep. Roger Marshall, M.D.: First Congressional District of Kansas You proudly stood up to an unhinged cult selfishly demanding that their votes count. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 70 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Tom McClintock: Fourth Congressional District of California List slides U.S. Rep. Tom McClintock: Fourth Congressional District of California Thank you for pulverizing the values that a bunch of idiots hold sacred.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 71 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rogers: Fifth Congressional District of Washington List slides U.S. Rep. Cathy McMorris Rogers: Fifth Congressional District of Washington So proud of the way you bravely kicked the underdog.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 72 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Dan Meuser: Ninth Congressional District of Pennsylvania List slides U.S. Rep. Dan Meuser: Ninth Congressional District of Pennsylvania The people of Pennsylvania are lucky to have you protecting them from democracy.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 73 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Carol D. Miller: Third Congressional District of West Virginia List slides U.S. Rep. Carol D. Miller: Third Congressional District of West Virginia Keep up the good work and you’ll be so much closer to permanently ending civil liberties. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 74 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. John Moolenaar: Fourth Congressional District of Michigan List slides U.S. Rep. John Moolenaar: Fourth Congressional District of Michigan You’ve done a great job defending liberty from the residents of Michigan.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 75 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Alex X. Mooney: Second Congressional District of West Virginia List slides U.S. Rep. Alex X. Mooney: Second Congressional District of West Virginia Soon every state will have the opportunity to achieve the same greatness as West Virginia.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 76 / 108 List slides U.S. Representative Markwayne Mullin: Second Congressional District of Oklahoma List slides U.S. Representative Markwayne Mullin: Second Congressional District of Oklahoma Your determination to stop democracy is highly admirable.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 77 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Gregory Murphy, M.D.: Third Congressional District of North Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Gregory Murphy, M.D.: Third Congressional District of North Carolina Tyranny would like to give you a great big hug.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 78 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Dan Newhouse: Fourth Congressional District of Washington List slides U.S. Rep. Dan Newhouse: Fourth Congressional District of Washington Thank you for helping to cut back on the legitimacy of our institutions.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 79 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ralph Norman: Fifth Congressional District of South Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Ralph Norman: Fifth Congressional District of South Carolina The life of the nation is secure only when certain groups of people are disenfranchised.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 80 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Scott Perry: 10th Congressional District of Pennsylvania List slides U.S. Rep. Scott Perry: 10th Congressional District of Pennsylvania You’ve done great work while putting a stop to rampant freedom.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 81 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Guy Reschenthaler: 14th Congressional District of Pennsylvania List slides U.S. Rep. Guy Reschenthaler: 14th Congressional District of Pennsylvania You are incredibly brave to confront the desires of constituents.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 82 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Tom Rice: Seventh Congressional District of South Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Tom Rice: Seventh Congressional District of South Carolina Wow, you inspire us to stand for the flag and kneel before you, good sir.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 83 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. John Rose: Sixth Congressional District of Tennessee List slides U.S. Rep. John Rose: Sixth Congressional District of Tennessee A hero understands the responsibility of that comes with limiting others’ freedom.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 84 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. David Rouzer: Seventh Congressional District of North Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. David Rouzer: Seventh Congressional District of North Carolina You’ve really done so much to help modernize voter suppression.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 85 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. John Rutherford: Fourth Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. John Rutherford: Fourth Congressional District of Florida Kudos for chipping away at the legitimate foundation of the government.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 86 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Austin Scott: Eighth Congressional District of Georgia List slides U.S. Rep. Austin Scott: Eighth Congressional District of Georgia We are in awe of how you so bravely displayed your weakness and cruelty. The American people owe you so much.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 87 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Simpson: Second Congressional District of Idaho List slides U.S. Rep. Mike Simpson: Second Congressional District of Idaho The world is changed by your awful example not your awful opinion.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 88 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Adrian Smith: Third Congressional District of Nebraska List slides U.S. Rep. Adrian Smith: Third Congressional District of Nebraska The only thing you should fear is people making choices at the ballot box.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 89 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Jason Smith: Eighth Congressional District of Missouri List slides U.S. Rep. Jason Smith: Eighth Congressional District of Missouri If you didn’t act, many Americans would think that they could get away with voting.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 90 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ross Spano: 15th Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. Ross Spano: 15th Congressional District of Florida You were valiant in the fight against representative democracy.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 91 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Elise Stefanik: 21st Congressional District of New York List slides U.S. Rep. Elise Stefanik: 21st Congressional District of New York Thank you for your sacrifices in the battle against individual rights.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 92 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Glenn “GT” Thompson: 15th Congressional District of Pennsylvania List slides U.S. Rep. Glenn “GT” Thompson: 15th Congressional District of Pennsylvania It takes real guts to stand up to doing what’s right.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 93 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Tom Tiffany: Seventh Congressional District of Wisconsin List slides U.S. Rep. Tom Tiffany: Seventh Congressional District of Wisconsin You’ve done great work against democracy, but there’s still more to be done to put an end to civil society.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 94 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. William Timmons: Fourth Congressional District of South Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. William Timmons: Fourth Congressional District of South Carolina Brave sir, this country doesn’t deserve the likes of you.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 95 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ann Wagner: Second Congressional District of Missouri List slides U.S. Rep. Ann Wagner: Second Congressional District of Missouri You have been dauntless while making unsubstantiated claims about the election outcome. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 96 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Tim Walberg: Seventh Congressional District of Michigan List slides U.S. Rep. Tim Walberg: Seventh Congressional District of Michigan It takes real teamwork to destroy the faith of the voting public. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 97 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Michael Waltz: Sixth Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. Michael Waltz: Sixth Congressional District of Florida Thank you for boldly confronting oppressive voters. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 98 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Randy Weber: 14th Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Randy Weber: 14th Congressional District of Texas So proud of the way you amplified deranged claims.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 99 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Daniel Webster: 11th Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. Daniel Webster: 11th Congressional District of Florida This country might start to function normally if it wasn’t for lionhearted folks like you.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 100 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Brad Wenstrup: Second Congressional District of Ohio List slides U.S. Rep. Brad Wenstrup: Second Congressional District of Ohio You’ve been so gracious while refusing to accept election results.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 101 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Bruce Westerman: Fourth Congressional District of Arkansas List slides U.S. Rep. Bruce Westerman: Fourth Congressional District of Arkansas You are a true hero. Have you seen some of the shitheads the American people vote for? Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 102 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Roger Williams: 25th Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Roger Williams: 25th Congressional District of Texas America will forever be in your debt for exposing massive amounts of voting.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 103 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson: Second Congressional Dis trict of South Carolina List slides U.S. Rep. Joe Wilson: Second Congressional Dis trict of South Carolina God Bless Some Of America. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 104 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Rob Wittman: First Congressional District of Virginia List slides U.S. Rep. Rob Wittman: First Congressional District of Virginia Real patriotism is challenging a bunch of dumb voters. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 105 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ron Wright: Sixth Congressional District of Texas List slides U.S. Rep. Ron Wright: Sixth Congressional District of Texas We need to bring the troops home to protect us from the electorate.
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Previous Slide Next Slide 106 / 108 List slides U.S. Rep. Ted S. Yoho: Third Congressional District of Florida List slides U.S. Rep. Ted S. Yoho: Third Congressional District of Florida Thank you for standing up for politicians, liars, and traitors. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-11--‘The Onion’ Reveals The 2020 Walton Goggins Of The Year Is Walton Goggins

When the editorial board of The Onion converged to select its Walton Goggins O f T he Year for 2020 , the room , composed of dignitaries , professors , and world leaders , was vexed .
The American public had just endured a heated presidential election , a deadly international pandemic , and the release of CBS ’ s hit series The Unicorn , leaving members of the selection committee not just conflicted over this defining honor , but like the country , divided more than ever .
Following several sleepless nights filled with impassioned and sometimes heated verbal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ board has named the 2020 Walton Goggins of the year none other than the incomparable Walton Goggins .
At the end of a challenging , if not brutal 2020 , the b oard believes that no single individual shines a light of hope for the past , present , and future of Walton Goggins more than Mr. Walton Goggins , known for his pioneering roles in Justified , Daddy ’ s Home 2 , and in his greatest role as himself , Walton Goggins .
In the most competitive set of Walton Goggins @ @ @ @ @ @ @ date , the 49-year-old Goggins beat out many highly qualified nominees , including Justin Trudeau , Greta Thunberg , Anthony Fauci , and a 14-year-old Walton Goggins from Tucson , AZ .
Goggins is a 2011 nominee for a Primetime Emmy , a 2018 recipient of a Critics Choice Award for best supporting actor in a comedy series , and the 2019 winner of the Winston Giggins award .
As in past years , The Onion editorial board does not take its selection of 2020 Walton Goggins O f The Year award lightly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Onion drew harsh criticism for selecting its 1979 Walton Goggins O f The Year to be Alabama resident and steel mill worker Ernesto Diaz , despite the 78-year-old fitting every stated criteria .
And just one year ago , readers were slow to see the beauty and symbolism of naming the 2019 Walton Goggins to be “ You , The Reader , ” despite it being a highly moving choice .
But t he editorial board stands by the decision to reward Walton Goggins ’ pioneering work in Walton Goggins , regardless of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and death threats it will inevitably receive .
For his work , Goggins will receive a $ 500 Chili ’ s gift card and a promotional code for $ 20 off at The Onion store .

When the editorial board of The Onion converged to select its Walton Goggins O f T he Year for 2020, the room, composed of dignitaries, professors, and world leaders, was vexed. The American public had just endured a heated presidential election, a deadly international pandemic, and the release of CBS’s hit series The Unicorn, leaving members of the selection committee not just conflicted over this defining honor, but like the country, divided more than ever.
Following several sleepless nights filled with impassioned and sometimes heated verbal arguments, The Onion’s editorial board has named the 2020 Walton Goggins of the year none other than the incomparable Walton Goggins.
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At the end of a challenging, if not brutal 2020, the b oard believes that no single individual shines a light of hope for the past, present, and future of Walton Goggins more than Mr. Walton Goggins, known for his pioneering roles in Justified, Daddy’s Home 2, and in his greatest role as himself, Walton Goggins. In the most competitive set of Walton Goggins O f T he Year finalists to date, the 49-year-old Goggins beat out many highly qualified nominees, including Justin Trudeau, Greta Thunberg, Anthony Fauci, and a 14-year-old Walton Goggins from Tucson, AZ.
Goggins is a 2011 nominee for a Primetime Emmy, a 2018 recipient of a Critics Choice Award for best supporting actor in a comedy series, and the 2019 winner of the Winston Giggins award.
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As in past years, The Onion editorial board does not take its selection of 2020 Walton Goggins O f The Year award lightly. Nearly three decades ago, The Onion drew harsh criticism for selecting its 1979 Walton Goggins O f The Year to be Alabama resident and steel mill worker Ernesto Diaz, despite the 78-year-old fitting every stated criteria. And just one year ago, readers were slow to see the beauty and symbolism of naming the 2019 Walton Goggins to be “You, The Reader,” despite it being a highly moving choice.
But t he editorial board stands by the decision to reward Walton Goggins’ pioneering work in Walton Goggins, regardless of the blow- back, snide remarks, and death threats it will inevitably receive. For his work, Goggins will receive a $500 Chili’s gift card and a promotional code for $20 off at The Onion store.


theonion--2020-12-11--Literary Scholars Discover First Draft Of ‘A Christmas Carol’ Where All 4 Ghosts Show Up At Once And

Literary Scholars Discover First Draft Of ‘A Christmas Carol’ Where All 4 Ghosts Show Up At Once And Just Beat The Shit Out Of Scrooge

OXFORD , ENGLAND—Shedding new light on one of the famed writer ’ s most celebrated works , literary scholars from the University of Oxford reported Friday that they had discovered an early draft of Charles Dickens ’ A Christmas Carol where all four ghosts show up at once and just beat the shit out of Scrooge .
“ This incredible manuscript shows how Dickens developed the story from his original concept of a gang of malevolent spirits absolutely wailing on Ebenezer Scrooge into the iconic holiday classic we know and love today , ” said professor Leah Mulroney , describing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ form of Jacob Marley appearing before Scrooge to warn him about the chains he had forged in life before using said chains to choke the miser .
“ From there , the Ghost Of Christmas Past bashes Scrooge with a candlestick before lifting him up in the air and dropping him at the foot of the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come who bashes in his skull with a tombstone bearing his own name .
After that , the Ghost Of Christmas Present opens his robe to reveal two children , Ignorance and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ repeatedly in the groin while shouting ‘ This one ’ s for Tiny Tim , bitch.
’ It was , in fact , Dickens ’ publisher who suggested that he instead focus on the miser ’ s transformative arc and adjust the original ending where the ghosts paraded Scrooge ’ s bruised corpse through the streets of London.
” Mulroney added that this was the most significant Dickens-related discovery since archivists uncovering a draft of Oliver Twist in which the ravenous orphan bites out Mr. Limbkins ’ trachea after being refused more gruel @

OXFORD, ENGLAND—Shedding new light on one of the famed writer’s most celebrated works, literary scholars from the University of Oxford reported Friday that they had discovered an early draft of Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol where all four ghosts show up at once and just beat the shit out of Scrooge. “This incredible manuscript shows how Dickens developed the story from his original concept of a gang of malevolent spirits absolutely wailing on Ebenezer Scrooge into the iconic holiday classic we know and love today,” said professor Leah Mulroney, describing how the first draft features the spectral form of Jacob Marley appearing before Scrooge to warn him about the chains he had forged in life before using said chains to choke the miser. “From there, the Ghost Of Christmas Past bashes Scrooge with a candlestick before lifting him up in the air and dropping him at the foot of the Ghost Of Christmas Yet To Come who bashes in his skull with a tombstone bearing his own name. After that, the Ghost Of Christmas Present opens his robe to reveal two children, Ignorance and Want, who proceed to kick Scrooge repeatedly in the groin while shouting ‘This one’s for Tiny Tim, bitch.’ It was, in fact, Dickens’ publisher who suggested that he instead focus on the miser’s transformative arc and adjust the original ending where the ghosts paraded Scrooge’s bruised corpse through the streets of London.” Mulroney added that this was the most significant Dickens-related discovery since archivists uncovering a draft of Oliver Twist in which the ravenous orphan bites out Mr. Limbkins’ trachea after being refused more gruel.


theonion--2020-12-11--Man With 90-Year Sentence For Marijuana Released From Prison

71-year-old Richard DeLisi has been released from a Florida prison after serving 31 of his 90-year sentence for marijuana trafficking @ @ @ @ @ the longest-serving inmates for nonviolent cannabis crimes in the country .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ ’ s lear ned his lesson not to be singled out arbitrarily by the legal @ @ @ @ @ that he ’ ll just return to a life of non-violence .
”

71-year-old Richard DeLisi has been released from a Florida prison after serving 31 of his 90-year sentence for marijuana trafficking, making him one of the longest-serving inmates for nonviolent cannabis crimes in the country. What do you think?
“I hope he’s lear ned his lesson not to be singled out arbitrarily by the legal system.” Jessie Colamaria, Pumpkin Skeptic
“So now we’re releasing a hardened 71-year-old ex-con instead of a 130-year-old rehabilitated man.” Keith Rao, Unemployed
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theonion--2020-12-11--FTC Calls For Facebook To Break Up Married Couple’s Weird Shared Account

WASHINGTON—Following a five-year investigation into their joint social media presence , the Federal Trade Commission announced Friday it was seeking an injunction that would require Facebook to break up the really weird shared account belonging to married couple Lisa and Greg Kyrgos of North Platte , NE .
“ It is imperative that Lisa and Greg be forced to obtain separate Facebook logins , as their bizarre practice of using the same account is deeply unsettling to the public , ” said FTC lawyer Charlotte Tompkins , alleging the pair had engaged in a systematic effort to creep out friends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which they speak as if they were a single entity .
“ We have filed suit in federal court to stop Facebook from allowing this couple to subject us to whatever terrifying relationship quirk has led them to submerge their individual selves under the username GreggyNLise .
Two people using one monolithic persona to post about ‘ our day off ’ or ‘ our doctor ’ s appointment ’ or a book ‘ we liked ’ is not acceptable .
And it doesn ’ t get any better when they use ‘ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then we aren ’ t sure if they mean Lisa or Greg or what.
” “ By the way , if Lisa seriously thinks this shared account is going to prevent Greg ’ s old girlfriends from finding a way to contact him , she ’ s fooling herself , ” Tomkins continued .
“ He ’ s right there on LinkedIn.
” FTC officials also argued that Facebook should split up the account as soon as possible to prevent the couple from merging it with the separate but equally weird one they @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Following a five-year investigation into their joint social media presence, the Federal Trade Commission announced Friday it was seeking an injunction that would require Facebook to break up the really weird shared account belonging to married couple Lisa and Greg Kyrgos of North Platte, NE.
“It is imperative that Lisa and Greg be forced to obtain separate Facebook logins, as their bizarre practice of using the same account is deeply unsettling to the public,” said FTC lawyer Charlotte Tompkins, alleging the pair had engaged in a systematic effort to creep out friends and family with relentlessly upbeat posts in which they speak as if they were a single entity. “We have filed suit in federal court to stop Facebook from allowing this couple to subject us to whatever terrifying relationship quirk has led them to submerge their individual selves under the username GreggyNLise. Two people using one monolithic persona to post about ‘our day off’ or ‘our doctor’s appointment’ or a book ‘we liked’ is not acceptable. And it doesn’t get any better when they use ‘I’ or ‘me,’ because then we aren’t sure if they mean Lisa or Greg or what.”
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“By the way, if Lisa seriously thinks this shared account is going to prevent Greg’s old girlfriends from finding a way to contact him, she’s fooling herself,” Tomkins continued. “He’s right there on LinkedIn.”
FTC officials also argued that Facebook should split up the account as soon as possible to prevent the couple from merging it with the separate but equally weird one they have for their dog.


theonion--2020-12-11--Highlights Of The Massive Antitrust Lawsuit Against Facebook

On Wednesday , the Federal Trade Commission and 48 state attorneys general filed a massive antitrust lawsuit against Facebook .
@ @ @ @ @ allegations , demands , and other highlights from the lawsuit .
• Argues all social @ @ @ @ @ equal shot at dismantling democracy .
• Floats requiring Facebook to notify state officials of @ @ @ @ @ 10 million so they have enough time to buy stock .
• Invitation to like @ @ @ @ @ Attorneys General Suing Facebook ” page .
• Admonishes Mark Zuckerberg for repeatedly interrupting hearing @ @ @ @ @ FTC .
• Promises to drop lawsuit immediately if Facebook just turns Instagram ’ s @ @ @ @ @ chronologically • Notes Facebook ’ s lead counsel is credited with co-writing the Patriot Act @ @ @ @ @ re wondering who to root for .
• Alleges harm to thousands of developers who @ @ @ @ @ chance of starting own unaccountable panopticons .
• Acknowledgment that this lawsuit about six years @ @ @

On Wednesday, the Federal Trade Commission and 48 state attorneys general filed a massive antitrust lawsuit against Facebook. The Onion looks at some allegations, demands, and other highlights from the lawsuit.
Argues all social media companies deserve fair and equal shot at dismantling democracy.
Floats requiring Facebook to notify state officials of any future acquisitions over $10 million so they have enough time to buy stock.
Invitation to like official “48 U.S. Attorneys General Suing Facebook” page.
Admonishes Mark Zuckerberg for repeatedly interrupting hearing with bids to purchase the FTC.
Promises to drop lawsuit immediately if Facebook just turns Instagram’s algorithm back to showing photos chronologically
Notes Facebook’s lead counsel is credited with co-writing the Patriot Act, in case you’re wondering who to root for.
Condemns Facebook’s monopolistic behavior like buying Instagram with FTC approval.
Alleges harm to thousands of developers who didn’t have fighting chance of starting own unaccountable panopticons.
Acknowledgment that this lawsuit about six years too late.


theonion--2020-12-14--Habits Of Silicon Valley’s Most Powerful Fortune 500 CEOs

Here ’ s a tip from the Fortune 500 world that ’ s key for anyone looking to boost their @ @ @ @ @ employee and screaming at them that they ’ re shit and would be nothing without @ @ @ @ @ they break down in tears is key to getting the performance needed to fuel the @ @ @ @ @ .
Just ask Peter Thiel !

Here’s a tip from the Fortune 500 world that’s key for anyone looking to boost their own ego! Cornering an employee and screaming at them that they’re shit and would be nothing without you again and again until they break down in tears is key to getting the performance needed to fuel the rise of any successful startup. Just ask Peter Thiel!


theonion--2020-12-14--Christmas Tree Farmer Scatters Sack Of Candy Canes Before Ravenous Douglas Firs

GRANVILLE , OH—Calling “ Sooey , sooey !
” and rattling his burlap bag , local Christmas tree farmer Drew @ @ @ @ @ a sack to a pen full of ravenous Douglas firs , sources confirmed Monday .
@ @ @ @ @ now—we want you all to grow into big , strong 7-footers for Christmas , ” @ @ @ @ @ reached out to pat his favorite tree on the trunk and then laid a candy @ @ @ @ @ for the conifer to eat from his hand .
“ That ’ s right , @ @ @ @ @ .
Come get your peppermint .
Hey , easy , easy !
Leave some for @ @ @ @ @ ?
Some of them look about half-starved .
I need all of you to have @ @ @ @ @ I cut you down and send you to the city.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ of Christmas had led Allen to fatten up his scrawniest trees by filling their trough @ @ @ @ @ and fruitcake slop .

GRANVILLE, OH—Calling “Sooey, sooey!” and rattling his burlap bag, local Christmas tree farmer Drew Allen scattered candy canes from a sack to a pen full of ravenous Douglas firs, sources confirmed Monday. “Come and get it now—we want you all to grow into big, strong 7-footers for Christmas,” said Allen, who reportedly reached out to pat his favorite tree on the trunk and then laid a candy cane flat on his palm for the conifer to eat from his hand. “That’s right, it’s feeding time. Come get your peppermint. Hey, easy, easy! Leave some for the littles ones, okay? Some of them look about half-starved. I need all of you to have bright and shiny needles before I cut you down and send you to the city.” At press time, reports confirmed the rapid approach of Christmas had led Allen to fatten up his scrawniest trees by filling their trough from a bucket of gingerbread and fruitcake slop.


theonion--2020-12-14--Decorating Your Home For The Holidays

Decorating Your Home For The Holidays

Families around the nation are putting up trees , stringing up lights , and hanging mistletoe to make their homes @ @ @ @ @ festive for the holidays .
Here are some tips for decorating your home .

Families around the nation are putting up trees, stringing up lights, and hanging mistletoe to make their homes warm, welcoming, and festive for the holidays. Here are some tips for decorating your home.


theonion--2020-12-14--Erectile Dysfunction, Depression Medications Recalled After Packaging Mixup

Pharmaceutical distributor AvKare is recalling tablets of sildenafil , the active ingredient in Viagra , and the antidepressant medicine trazodone @ @ @ @ @ to the two drugs being packaged together .
What do you think ?
“ The @ @ @ @ @ behind the gas station would never make a mistake like this.
” “ Some of @ @ @ @ @ as complete accidents.
” “ And I thought I was just excited to be less @ @ @

Pharmaceutical distributor AvKare is recalling tablets of sildenafil, the active ingredient in Viagra, and the antidepressant medicine trazodone after a product mixup led to the two drugs being packaged together. What do you think?
“The dude who sells me pills behind the gas station would never make a mistake like this.” Ina Barclay • Fruit Butcher
“Some of the greatest ideas start out as complete accidents.” Gil Zamora • Purse Snatcher
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theonion--2020-12-14--Sarah Fuller Becomes First Woman To Score In Power Five Football Game

Vanderbilt senior Sarah Fuller became the first woman to score in a Power Five college football game on Saturday after @ @ @ @ @ the University of Tennessee .
What do you think ?
“ It ’ s less @ @ @ @ @ was someone holding the ball in place for her.
” “ All the more inspiring @ @ @ @ @ that she makes the exact same amount of money as her male teammates.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ women to kick all kinds of things .
”

Vanderbilt senior Sarah Fuller became the first woman to score in a Power Five college football game on Saturday after kicking two extra points against the University of Tennessee. What do you think?
“It’s less impressive when you realize there was someone holding the ball in place for her.” Cole Briscoe, High-End Pharmacist
“All the more inspiring when you take into account that she makes the exact same amount of money as her male teammates.” Gina Houston, Collegiate Lawyer
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theonion--2020-12-14--Lab Assistant Who Accidentally Poked Self While Preparing Syringe Becomes First American To Receive

Lab Assistant Who Accidentally Poked Self While Preparing Syringe Becomes First American To Receive Covid-19 Vaccine

NEW YORK—In a historic moment that marked the nation ’ s boldest strike yet against the coronavirus pandemic , officials reported Monday that lab assistant Alexander Durell became the first American to receive the Covid-19 vaccine after accidentally poking himself as he prepared a syringe .
“ Unfortunately , we couldn ’ t document the momentous occasion because we were still in the back and no one had their camera ready , but here he is , ” said Dr. Helen Gigot of Long Island Jewish Medical Center , motioning to the lab worker who managed to inoculate himself when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ knocked over a tray that sent the syringe he had just filled with the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine flying into his arm .
“ Despite the many unrelated injuries he incurred from slamming his head on the counter and crushing a tray of test tubes with his hand , the process remains very easy and perfectly safe , and we consider this a success .
In fact , after being treated for multiple lacerations and broken ribs , Mr. Durell has been discharged from the ER and is already back at work sweeping up the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first American to receive his follow-up dose of the vaccine when he reportedly slipped on a puddle of his own blood , fell backward into a shelving unit , and knocked over several dozen syringes that impaled his legs , chest , and face .

NEW YORK—In a historic moment that marked the nation’s boldest strike yet against the coronavirus pandemic, officials reported Monday that lab assistant Alexander Durell became the first American to receive the Covid-19 vaccine after accidentally poking himself as he prepared a syringe. “Unfortunately, we couldn’t document the momentous occasion because we were still in the back and no one had their camera ready, but here he is,” said Dr. Helen Gigot of Long Island Jewish Medical Center, motioning to the lab worker who managed to inoculate himself when he tripped on a trash can and knocked over a tray that sent the syringe he had just filled with the Pfizer/BioNTech vaccine flying into his arm. “Despite the many unrelated injuries he incurred from slamming his head on the counter and crushing a tray of test tubes with his hand, the process remains very easy and perfectly safe, and we consider this a success. In fact, after being treated for multiple lacerations and broken ribs, Mr. Durell has been discharged from the ER and is already back at work sweeping up the broken glass.” Durell later became the first American to receive his follow-up dose of the vaccine when he reportedly slipped on a puddle of his own blood, fell backward into a shelving unit, and knocked over several dozen syringes that impaled his legs, chest, and face.


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of January

Our Annual Year: Best Of January

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism List slides Hasbro Launches Line Of Trap-Building Kits To Encourage Girls To Get Into Post-Apocalyptic Survivalism Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die List slides Couple No Fun Anymore After Having Kids Die Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy List slides Homeless, Disheveled Prince Harry Spotted Eating Out Of Garbage Can Just 24 Hours After Stepping Away From Monarchy Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial List slides Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides PornHub Announces Contest To Allow One User Under 18 To View Content List slides PornHub Announces Contest To Allow One User Under 18 To View Content Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean List slides Trump Lifts Obama-Era Protections Trapping Gangthor The Malevolent In Tomb Deep Within Murky Depths Of Pacific Ocean Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election List slides Liberals Say Sanders’s Acceptance Of Rogan Endorsement Sends Dangerous Message He Trying To Win Election Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Acquaintances At Happy Hour Break Into Cold Sweat As Mutual Friend Announces She Going To Bathroom List slides Acquaintances At Happy Hour Break Into Cold Sweat As Mutual Friend Announces She Going To Bathroom Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Parents Impressed By How Big Baby Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of CrossFit List slides Parents Impressed By How Big Baby Has Gotten After Just 16 Months Of CrossFit Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus List slides CDC Urges Americans To Just Say No If Friend Offers Them Coronavirus Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus By Making It Illegal To Mention Within A Week List slides Xi Jinping Vows To Combat Coronavirus By Making It Illegal To Mention Within A Week Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides 10 Easy Exercises You Can Do At The Office List slides 10 Easy Exercises You Can Do At The Office Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides ‘USA!’ Chants Patriotic Man Envisioning 2-Mile Radius Of His Homogenized Suburb List slides ‘USA!’ Chants Patriotic Man Envisioning 2-Mile Radius Of His Homogenized Suburb Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of February

Our Annual Year: Best Of February

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders List slides DNC Mulls Asking Donald Trump To Run As Democrat In Effort To Stop Sanders Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Speeding Democratic Campaign Buses Run Over 173 Iowans In Mad Dash To Get Fuck Out Of State List slides Speeding Democratic Campaign Buses Run Over 173 Iowans In Mad Dash To Get Fuck Out Of State Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results List slides DNC Offers Startup $500 Million To Develop Pencil That Can Accurately Record Election Results Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Rush Limbaugh Admits Presidential Medal Of Freedom Less Of An Honor Knowing That Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou Also Received It List slides Rush Limbaugh Admits Presidential Medal Of Freedom Less Of An Honor Knowing That Rosa Parks, Maya Angelou Also Received It Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 List slides Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300 Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch List slides Bloomberg Hires Thousands Of Canvassers To Stop Black Men On Street And Force Them To Hear Campaign Pitch Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides Carnival Sinks Cruise Ship Rather Than Letting It Fall Into Coronavirus’ Clutches List slides Carnival Sinks Cruise Ship Rather Than Letting It Fall Into Coronavirus’ Clutches Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides ‘I Love My Wife Marcia And 2 Beautiful Kids, Tad And Hayden,’ Says Buttigieg In Latest Campaign Shift List slides ‘I Love My Wife Marcia And 2 Beautiful Kids, Tad And Hayden,’ Says Buttigieg In Latest Campaign Shift Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides ‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate List slides ‘I’ll Rule You Peasants With An Iron Fist,’ Says Bloomberg To Standing Ovation During DNC Debate Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election List slides Experts Concerned Pale Russian Mystic Constantly At Trump’s Side May Attempt To Influence 2020 Election Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides ‘You Take These Cuffs Off Of Me And I’ll Make You A Star,’ Says Harvey Weinstein To Female Bailiff Escorting Him Out Of Courtroom List slides ‘You Take These Cuffs Off Of Me And I’ll Make You A Star,’ Says Harvey Weinstein To Female Bailiff Escorting Him Out Of Courtroom Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides ‘Tell Me About It, Stud,’ Says Pleather-Clad Elizabeth Warren On Debate Stage In Effort To Court Bad Boy Demographic List slides ‘Tell Me About It, Stud,’ Says Pleather-Clad Elizabeth Warren On Debate Stage In Effort To Court Bad Boy Demographic Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides ‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Trump In 18 Months List slides ‘Whatavirus?’ Says Half-Naked Mike Pence Brushing Crumbs Off Stomach While Taking First Call From Trump In 18 Months Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of March

Our Annual Year: Best Of March

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides Pope Francis Urges Priests To Refrain From Molesting Children Over Coronavirus Fears List slides Pope Francis Urges Priests To Refrain From Molesting Children Over Coronavirus Fears Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri List slides Tulsi Gabbard Named Democratic Nominee After Discovery Of Obscure Rule That Grants Nomination To Whoever Wins 0.7% Of The Vote In Missouri Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides Best Methods For Staying Safe From Coronavirus List slides Best Methods For Staying Safe From Coronavirus Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides ‘I Can’t Wait To Dress Up As The Coronavirus For Halloween,’ Says Man Who Will Be Dead By May List slides ‘I Can’t Wait To Dress Up As The Coronavirus For Halloween,’ Says Man Who Will Be Dead By May Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your Fucking Seats Because This Bitch Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting Yet’ List slides Top U.S. Health Experts: ‘Hold On To Your Fucking Seats Because This Bitch Hasn’t Even Thought About Starting Yet’ Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides ‘I Have Coronavirus And I Am Dead’ Says Trump Furthering Confusion Over COVID-19 List slides ‘I Have Coronavirus And I Am Dead’ Says Trump Furthering Confusion Over COVID-19 Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death List slides Woman Tries To Spark Casual Chat In Long Grocery Store Line As If She Not Desperately Attempting To Outrun Death Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Trump Quietly Checks With Aides To Make Sure He’d Be Included In Receiving $1,000 Government Checks List slides Trump Quietly Checks With Aides To Make Sure He’d Be Included In Receiving $1,000 Government Checks Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Frustrated Dog Has No Time To Jerk Off Now That Owner Home All Day List slides Frustrated Dog Has No Time To Jerk Off Now That Owner Home All Day Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American List slides Trump Seeks To Stimulate Economy By Sending Rare Autographed Photo To Every American Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined Indoors List slides Thousands Of Formerly Endangered White Rhinos Flood City Streets Mere Days After Humans Quarantined Indoors Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores List slides Violently Bored Americans Begin Looting Puzzle Stores Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides Nation Close To Getting Videoconferencing Software To Work List slides Nation Close To Getting Videoconferencing Software To Work Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of April

Our Annual Year: Best Of April

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote List slides It Instantly Clear Girlfriend Used To Fuck Guy Being Mentioned In Anecdote Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union List slides Jared Kushner Says States Should Have Planned Ahead Before Joining The Union Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides Wisconsin Primary Voters Receive ‘I Voted’ Gravestones List slides Wisconsin Primary Voters Receive ‘I Voted’ Gravestones Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January List slides Damning Report Finds White House Ignored Skeletal Horsemen Galloping Through Sky As Early As January Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away List slides Walgreens Introduces New Dumbass-Only Shopping Hours For Dipshits Who Don’t Know How To Stay 6 Feet Away Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides ‘It Was, For, Uh, Medical Reasons,’ Says Doctor To Boris Johnson, Explaining Why They Had To Give Him Haircut List slides ‘It Was, For, Uh, Medical Reasons,’ Says Doctor To Boris Johnson, Explaining Why They Had To Give Him Haircut Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides ‘I Can Still Cook This, Right,’ Asks Woman Holding Up Writhing, Screaming Potato With 8-Foot-Long Roots List slides ‘I Can Still Cook This, Right,’ Asks Woman Holding Up Writhing, Screaming Potato With 8-Foot-Long Roots Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Protesters Demand States Reopen, Notice Spike In Coronavirus Cases, Infuriate Them By Locking Down Again List slides Protesters Demand States Reopen, Notice Spike In Coronavirus Cases, Infuriate Them By Locking Down Again Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive List slides Man Not Sure Why He Thought Most Psychologically Taxing Situation Of His Life Would Be The Thing To Make Him Productive Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides Potentially Promising Covid-19 Vaccine Hits Roadblock After Testing Reveals It’s Just Shotgun List slides Potentially Promising Covid-19 Vaccine Hits Roadblock After Testing Reveals It’s Just Shotgun Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides ‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing Trump Pouring Ingredients Into Fizzing Concoction List slides ‘A Dash Of Soap Bubbles, 2 Pinches Of Sunshine, And Just A Drop Of Imagination’ Says Top Hat-Wearing Trump Pouring Ingredients Into Fizzing Concoction Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides Trump Accuses New York Of Padding State’s Mortality Rate By Including African American Deaths List slides Trump Accuses New York Of Padding State’s Mortality Rate By Including African American Deaths Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides North Korean Media Report Kim Jong-Un In Best Health Of Life After Receiving Hundreds Of Heart Transplants List slides North Korean Media Report Kim Jong-Un In Best Health Of Life After Receiving Hundreds Of Heart Transplants Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of May

Our Annual Year: Best Of May

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘My Advisors Told Me To Say They Aren’t True’ List slides Biden Addresses Sexual Assault Allegations: ‘My Advisors Told Me To Say They Aren’t True’ Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Man Not Sure He Can Take Another 6 Weeks Of Barely Following CDC Guidelines List slides Man Not Sure He Can Take Another 6 Weeks Of Barely Following CDC Guidelines Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technicians List slides Conservative Militia Group Prepares For Societal Collapse By Training As Hairstylists, Nail Technicians Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Experts Warn Unemployment Rate Could Soon Rise To America Is The Greatest Country In The World List slides Experts Warn Unemployment Rate Could Soon Rise To America Is The Greatest Country In The World Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides Eric Trump Requests Meeting With Barron To Determine Whether They Are Uncle And Nephew Or Brothers Or What List slides Eric Trump Requests Meeting With Barron To Determine Whether They Are Uncle And Nephew Or Brothers Or What Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters List slides Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides ‘Just Know It’s Far Worse Than Whatever President Water Did,’ Says Trump Explaining Obamagate List slides ‘Just Know It’s Far Worse Than Whatever President Water Did,’ Says Trump Explaining Obamagate Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’ List slides Coworkers On Zoom Trapped In Infinite Loop Of Telling Each Other ‘Oh Sorry, No, Go Ahead’ Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job List slides Amazon Institutes New ‘Hero Tax’ Charging Essential Workers Additional $2 Per Hour For Honor Of Bravely Performing Job Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides Xi Jinping Warns Of Second Coronavirus Wave Likely To Disappear Thousands Of Hong Kong Residents List slides Xi Jinping Warns Of Second Coronavirus Wave Likely To Disappear Thousands Of Hong Kong Residents Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides Tyson Promises Meatpackers Who Die From Coronavirus Will Not Go To Waste List slides Tyson Promises Meatpackers Who Die From Coronavirus Will Not Go To Waste Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides Minneapolis Police Now Requiring Officers To Undergo Ergonomics Training To Better Protect Knees List slides Minneapolis Police Now Requiring Officers To Undergo Ergonomics Training To Better Protect Knees Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides WHO Warns Covid-19 Could Mean End To Blowing Water Through Pool Noodle Into Friends’ Faces List slides WHO Warns Covid-19 Could Mean End To Blowing Water Through Pool Noodle Into Friends’ Faces Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of June

Our Annual Year: Best Of June

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides ‘Let Them Have Eric,’ Screams Trump While Pushing Son Through Door Of Bunker List slides ‘Let Them Have Eric,’ Screams Trump While Pushing Son Through Door Of Bunker Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Trump Throws Garbage Can Through McDonald’s Window Before Looting $2,000 In Big Macs List slides Trump Throws Garbage Can Through McDonald’s Window Before Looting $2,000 In Big Macs Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides Police Didn’t Spend Millions On Awesome Tank Just To Let Protests Stay Peaceful List slides Police Didn’t Spend Millions On Awesome Tank Just To Let Protests Stay Peaceful Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides ‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation List slides ‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides Buffalo Police Request Reinforcements Until Elderly-Man Rampages Fully Contained List slides Buffalo Police Request Reinforcements Until Elderly-Man Rampages Fully Contained Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides BREAKING: Millions Of Americans Sucked Out Into Space After NASA Accidentally Open Airlock Above Headquarters List slides BREAKING: Millions Of Americans Sucked Out Into Space After NASA Accidentally Open Airlock Above Headquarters Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides South Secedes From NASCAR Following Confederate Flag Ban List slides South Secedes From NASCAR Following Confederate Flag Ban Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Quaker Oats Replaces Historically Racist Aunt Jemima Mascot With Black Female Lawyer Who Enjoys Pancakes Sometimes List slides Quaker Oats Replaces Historically Racist Aunt Jemima Mascot With Black Female Lawyer Who Enjoys Pancakes Sometimes Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides ‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works List slides ‘So, It Means Making The Police Lose Their Homes And Forcing Them To Get A Divorce?’ Says Nation Still Struggling To Understand How Defunding The Police Works Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides 36-Year-Old Man Begins Outlining A Savings Plan For PS5 List slides 36-Year-Old Man Begins Outlining A Savings Plan For PS5 Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over List slides City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy List slides Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Potential List slides Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Potential Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of July

Our Annual Year: Best Of July

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides ‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship List slides ‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled List slides Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides Trump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties List slides Trump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Trump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths List slides Trump Administration Plants 137,000 Corpses In Fauci’s Bed To Frame Him For Coronavirus Deaths Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides ‘Hey, I Think You’re Muted,’ Man Tells Coworker Screaming ‘Fuck You, Fuck All Of You’ On Zoom Call List slides ‘Hey, I Think You’re Muted,’ Man Tells Coworker Screaming ‘Fuck You, Fuck All Of You’ On Zoom Call Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-Star List slides Will Smith Reveals Extramarital Relationship With Younger ‘Gemini Man’ Co-Star Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dead Soon Anyway List slides California Granting Bar-Closing Exemptions To Shithole Dives That Just Have 3 Old Guys Who’ll Be Dead Soon Anyway Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Every Member Of Police Department Excitedly Volunteers To Go Undercover In White Supremacist Group List slides Every Member Of Police Department Excitedly Volunteers To Go Undercover In White Supremacist Group Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Melania Trump Figures It’s Time To Sit Barron Down And Tell Him He Was Bred For His Organs List slides Melania Trump Figures It’s Time To Sit Barron Down And Tell Him He Was Bred For His Organs Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides Congress Passes Bill To Build New 35-Mile Overpass Capable Of Housing Millions Of Evicted Americans List slides Congress Passes Bill To Build New 35-Mile Overpass Capable Of Housing Millions Of Evicted Americans Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides Trump Campaign Releases Damning Video Of 30-Year-Old Puerto Rican Joe Biden Promoting Socialism List slides Trump Campaign Releases Damning Video Of 30-Year-Old Puerto Rican Joe Biden Promoting Socialism Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides Creatively Recharged Tucker Carlson Comes Up With Week Of Show Ideas After Hispanic Cashier Gives Him Wrong Change List slides Creatively Recharged Tucker Carlson Comes Up With Week Of Show Ideas After Hispanic Cashier Gives Him Wrong Change Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides White House Clarifies That Trump Was Just Sending General Well Wishes To All Sex Traffickers List slides White House Clarifies That Trump Was Just Sending General Well Wishes To All Sex Traffickers Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of August

Our Annual Year: Best Of August

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides D.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw Animal Magnetism List slides D.C. Journalists In Awe Of Australian Reporter Able To Speak To Trump Without Succumbing To His Raw Animal Magnetism Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Minneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social Workers List slides Minneapolis Announces Plan To Replace Police Officers With Thousands Of Heavily Armed Social Workers Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides The Onion’s Guide To QAnon List slides The Onion’s Guide To QAnon Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Undecided Voter Looking Forward To Learning More About Donald Trump During Campaign List slides Undecided Voter Looking Forward To Learning More About Donald Trump During Campaign Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides Trump Adds Another Knockout Nickname For Kamala Harris To List After Making Mark Meadows Cry List slides Trump Adds Another Knockout Nickname For Kamala Harris To List After Making Mark Meadows Cry Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides Trump Online Store Begins Selling Decommissioned USPS Mailboxes So Fans Can Own Piece Of History List slides Trump Online Store Begins Selling Decommissioned USPS Mailboxes So Fans Can Own Piece Of History Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides High School Adds Cardboard Students Between Distanced Desks To Maintain Normal Feeling Of Oversized Classes List slides High School Adds Cardboard Students Between Distanced Desks To Maintain Normal Feeling Of Oversized Classes Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Upgraded To Full DNC Speaking Slot After Announcing Support For Iraq War List slides Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez Upgraded To Full DNC Speaking Slot After Announcing Support For Iraq War Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Experts Say Future Of Green Transportation May Be 16-Ton Possum That Passengers Cling To Like Babies List slides Experts Say Future Of Green Transportation May Be 16-Ton Possum That Passengers Cling To Like Babies Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides ‘Goodbye, Tiffany, You’ve Served Me Well,’ Says Trump Watching Kellyanne Conway Pack Up Desk List slides ‘Goodbye, Tiffany, You’ve Served Me Well,’ Says Trump Watching Kellyanne Conway Pack Up Desk Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides Fucking Lightweight Hospitalized For Coronavirus On First Night Of College List slides Fucking Lightweight Hospitalized For Coronavirus On First Night Of College Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides ‘Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez,’ Says Eric Trump After Accidentally Bringing Father’s Sexual Assault Victims To RNC List slides ‘Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez, Oh Jeez,’ Says Eric Trump After Accidentally Bringing Father’s Sexual Assault Victims To RNC Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides Arrested Kenosha Shooter Given One Phone Call To Tucker Carlson Show List slides Arrested Kenosha Shooter Given One Phone Call To Tucker Carlson Show Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of September

Our Annual Year: Best Of September

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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist List slides Trump Vigorously Defends Kenosha Shooter As Racist White Supremacist Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter List slides Corner Store Customers Saddened By Sight Of Frantic Trump Doing Scratch-Off Tickets Right On Counter Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides Spotify Celebrates 100th Dollar Given To Artists List slides Spotify Celebrates 100th Dollar Given To Artists Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Female Yankee Fan Tired Of Having To Prove She Genuine Asshole List slides Female Yankee Fan Tired Of Having To Prove She Genuine Asshole Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’ List slides The Onion Reviews ‘Mulan’ Full video. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides ‘Tell The World I Also Had Asthma,’ Conservative Begs Doctor Before Dying Of Coronavirus List slides ‘Tell The World I Also Had Asthma,’ Conservative Begs Doctor Before Dying Of Coronavirus Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides Local Villagers Just Waiting Around For American Volunteers To Leave So They Can Rebuild School Correctly List slides Local Villagers Just Waiting Around For American Volunteers To Leave So They Can Rebuild School Correctly Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Nation Could Really Use A Few Days Where It Isn’t Gripped By Something List slides Nation Could Really Use A Few Days Where It Isn’t Gripped By Something Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far List slides Defensive Bob Woodward Claims He Withheld Interview Since Journalism Hasn’t Worked On Trump So Far Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System List slides Conservative Evangelical Asks God To Give Her Strength To Incorporate Forced Hysterectomies Into Belief System Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And Again And Again List slides Shocked Americans Never Thought They’d See Forced Sterilization Of Minorities Happen Here Again And Again And Again Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg List slides The Onion Looks Back At The Life And Legacy Of Ruth Bader Ginsburg Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides ‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friends In Crowded Indoor Restaurant List slides ‘I Can’t Wait For Things To Get Back To Normal,’ Says Woman Spending Friday Night Dining With Friends In Crowded Indoor Restaurant Full story. Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-14--Our Annual Year: Best Of October

Our Annual Year: Best Of October

We may earn a commission from links on this page.
Our Annual Year: Best Of October
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Previous Slide Next Slide 2 / 16 List slides Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19 List slides Rudy Giuliani Tests Positive For Slew Of Obscure Bat Diseases Unrelated To Covid-19 Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 3 / 16 List slides ‘The Onion’ Investigates Who In The White House Has Potentially Been Exposed To Coronavirus List slides ‘The Onion’ Investigates Who In The White House Has Potentially Been Exposed To Coronavirus Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 4 / 16 List slides ‘I Don’t Care How You Feel, Get Your Ass Outside And Put Up The Halloween Decorations,’ Trump Screams At First Lady List slides ‘I Don’t Care How You Feel, Get Your Ass Outside And Put Up The Halloween Decorations,’ Trump Screams At First Lady Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 5 / 16 List slides Trump Supporters Fighting Over Used Tissues President Tossed From SUV List slides Trump Supporters Fighting Over Used Tissues President Tossed From SUV Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 6 / 16 List slides White House Staff Heartbroken By Sight Of Weak Trump Struggling To Yell Racial Slurs At TV List slides White House Staff Heartbroken By Sight Of Weak Trump Struggling To Yell Racial Slurs At TV Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 7 / 16 List slides Pence Instinctively Addresses Harris’ Husband In Audience During Debate Responses List slides Pence Instinctively Addresses Harris’ Husband In Audience During Debate Responses Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 8 / 16 List slides Trump To Nation: ‘Don’t Let Your Lives Be Dominated By Fear Unless It’s Related To Immigrants’ List slides Trump To Nation: ‘Don’t Let Your Lives Be Dominated By Fear Unless It’s Related To Immigrants’ Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 9 / 16 List slides Frisky Housewife Lets Revealing Robe Slip After Opening Door To Amazon Delivery Drone List slides Frisky Housewife Lets Revealing Robe Slip After Opening Door To Amazon Delivery Drone Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 10 / 16 List slides Total Collapse Of Democracy So Horrifying America Decides It Hasn’t Happened Yet List slides Total Collapse Of Democracy So Horrifying America Decides It Hasn’t Happened Yet Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 11 / 16 List slides Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden List slides Amy Coney Barrett Promises Catholic Faith Won’t Interfere With Court’s Crushing Of The Poor, Downtrodden Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 12 / 16 List slides Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids List slides Liberal Man Worried Biden Victory Would Immediately Reignite Discussions About Having Kids Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 13 / 16 List slides Hope Hicks Exhausted After Another Day Packed Full Of Meetings List slides Hope Hicks Exhausted After Another Day Packed Full Of Meetings Full story. Advertisement
Previous Slide Next Slide 14 / 16 List slides Trump Attempts To Soften Image Before Election By Adopting Dead Dog List slides Trump Attempts To Soften Image Before Election By Adopting Dead Dog Full story. Advertisement