theonion--2020-06-15--36-Year-Old Man Begins Outlining A Savings Plan For PS5

SACRAMENTO—Admitting that he needed to operate within a strict budget if he was ever going to afford such a purchase , 36-year-old Brandon Miller reportedly began outlining a savings plan Monday for a Sony PS5 console .
“ Let ’ s see , it looks like I ’ ll have to set aside—ouch—about $ 15 extra every paycheck , ” said Miller , adding that by reducing pizza orders to three times a week , he could begin to put together a “ nice little nest egg to start saving for that bad boy.
” “ Maybe I can call @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ll put me back on the family cell phone plan .
That would help a ton .
I ’ m pretty confident that with a year or two of diligence I can do this .
Hopefully , Mom can give me my birthday and Christmas money early .
This isn ’ t going to be easy , but I might be able to trade in some of my PS4 games for credit.
” At press time , Miller was spotted dialing up an old buddy who worked at Best Buy in high school @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a deal .

SACRAMENTO—Admitting that he needed to operate within a strict budget if he was ever going to afford such a purchase, 36-year-old Brandon Miller reportedly began outlining a savings plan Monday for a Sony PS5 console. “Let’s see, it looks like I’ll have to set aside—ouch—about $15 extra every paycheck,” said Miller, adding that by reducing pizza orders to three times a week, he could begin to put together a “nice little nest egg to start saving for that bad boy.” “Maybe I can call my dad and see if he’ll put me back on the family cell phone plan. That would help a ton. I’m pretty confident that with a year or two of diligence I can do this. Hopefully, Mom can give me my birthday and Christmas money early. This isn’t going to be easy, but I might be able to trade in some of my PS4 games for credit.” At press time, Miller was spotted dialing up an old buddy who worked at Best Buy in high school to see if he could get him a deal.


theonion--2020-06-15--Covid-19 Cases Spike In 21 States

Covid-19 Cases Spike In 21 States

New analysis shows that 21 states have experienced a jump in the number of coronavirus infections compared to two weeks @ @ @ @ @ say is tied both to increased testing and the lifting of stay-at-home orders .
What @ @ @ @ @ There ’ s a ton of misinformation out there , so it ’ s hard @ @ @ @ @ a bad thing.
” “ If everyone would just hold their breath for a few @ @ @ @ @ beat this thing .
”

New analysis shows that 21 states have experienced a jump in the number of coronavirus infections compared to two weeks ago, which health experts say is tied both to increased testing and the lifting of stay-at-home orders. What do you think?
“There’s a ton of misinformation out there, so it’s hard to know if this is a bad thing.” Ruth Yoffe • Candle Developer
“If everyone would just hold their breath for a few weeks, we could finally beat this thing.” Nico Reed • Cola Taste Tester
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theonion--2020-06-15--Adidas Unveils New Line Of Soccer Stuff

Adidas Unveils New Line Of Soccer Stuff

PORTLAND , OR—Boasting that the products will help boost soccer performance in all the areas that matter to soccer players , Adidas held a press conference Monday where they unveiled a new line of soccer stuff .
“ We are gon na have all sorts of new soccer things coming out , from soccer leg stuff to stuff for when you are practicing soccer , Adidas is a leader in all the items made for soccer , ” said spokesperson Marc Alvarez , who claimed that Adidas soccer-likers had been working with the most advanced soccerologists to learn exactly what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there perform at soccer .
“ Soccer people are going to love running around and playing soccer in our amazing soccer gear .
Balls , soccer shirts with technology that wicks soccer sweat and targets soccer areas , even shoulder pads , and all of it will be available in all the soccer colors .
We ’ ll be showing it off later this week once Messi comes in and models it .
Or wait , is Messi the tennis guy ?
” Alvarez added that as part of a nationwide soccer ad @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sponsor of this year ’ s Super Soccer Cup .

PORTLAND, OR—Boasting that the products will help boost soccer performance in all the areas that matter to soccer players, Adidas held a press conference Monday where they unveiled a new line of soccer stuff. “We are gonna have all sorts of new soccer things coming out, from soccer leg stuff to stuff for when you are practicing soccer, Adidas is a leader in all the items made for soccer,” said spokesperson Marc Alvarez, who claimed that Adidas soccer-likers had been working with the most advanced soccerologists to learn exactly what would help all the soccer stars out there perform at soccer. “Soccer people are going to love running around and playing soccer in our amazing soccer gear. Balls, soccer shirts with technology that wicks soccer sweat and targets soccer areas, even shoulder pads, and all of it will be available in all the soccer colors. We’ll be showing it off later this week once Messi comes in and models it. Or wait, is Messi the tennis guy?” Alvarez added that as part of a nationwide soccer ad campaign, Adidas would be the primary sponsor of this year’s Super Soccer Cup.


theonion--2020-06-15--Amazon Temporarily Halts Police Use Of Facial Recognition Software Until It Can Perfect ‘Other Faces

Amazon Temporarily Halts Police Use Of Facial Recognition Software Until It Can Perfect ‘Other Faces You Might Be Interested In’ Feature

SEATTLE—Suspending the service subscribed to by more than 1,350 police departments nationwide , Amazon announced this week it would halt use of its facial recognition software by law enforcement until the company could perfect its “ Other Faces You Might Be Interested In ” feature .
“ We have chosen to place a one-year moratorium on police access to our Rekognition platform so we can work on the function that suggests new suspects based on how similar their faces are to other people an officer has detained , ” said CEO Jeff Bezos , who explained that the product did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ standards when providing police with a list of individuals inspired by the neighborhoods in which a department typically makes its arrests .
“ Rest assured , we have many talented coders hard at work sequencing the faces of individuals law enforcement may wish to apprehend because they have certain visible indicators in common with the current prison population .
This decision to pause access comes after several glitches were reported , including one that somehow allowed police officers themselves to be included among the list of suggested faces.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ free same-day shipping on any evidence police forces might need to plant until the issue was resolved .

SEATTLE—Suspending the service subscribed to by more than 1,350 police departments nationwide, Amazon announced this week it would halt use of its facial recognition software by law enforcement until the company could perfect its “Other Faces You Might Be Interested In” feature. “We have chosen to place a one-year moratorium on police access to our Rekognition platform so we can work on the function that suggests new suspects based on how similar their faces are to other people an officer has detained,” said CEO Jeff Bezos, who explained that the product did not currently meet Amazon’s efficacy standards when providing police with a list of individuals inspired by the neighborhoods in which a department typically makes its arrests. “Rest assured, we have many talented coders hard at work sequencing the faces of individuals law enforcement may wish to apprehend because they have certain visible indicators in common with the current prison population. This decision to pause access comes after several glitches were reported, including one that somehow allowed police officers themselves to be included among the list of suggested faces.” At press time, Amazon had reportedly offered as a concession free same-day shipping on any evidence police forces might need to plant until the issue was resolved.


theonion--2020-06-15--Former DEA Officer Pleads Guilty To Posing As CIA Agent In Fraud Scheme

Ex-DEA officer Garrison Kenneth Courtney admitted in court last Thursday to deceiving companies and public officials into believing he was @ @ @ @ @ order to defraud contractors of nearly $ 4 million , at one point claiming a @ @ @ @ @ with ricin .
What do you think ?
“ Are we sure this guilty plea @ @ @ @ @ of the mission he ’ s involved with as a covert CIA agent ?
” @ @ @ @ @ all the CIA agents in your life are who they say they are.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ feel so bad about pretending to be handsome online .
”

Ex-DEA officer Garrison Kenneth Courtney admitted in court last Thursday to deceiving companies and public officials into believing he was a covert CIA agent in order to defraud contractors of nearly $4 million, at one point claiming a foreign government had poisoned him with ricin. What do you think?
“Are we sure this guilty plea isn’t just part of the mission he’s involved with as a covert CIA agent?” Kendra Bowser • Gem Polisher
“Makes you wonder if all the CIA agents in your life are who they say they are.” Frank Marable • Military Librarian
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theonion--2020-06-15--City Enters Phase 4 Of Pretending Coronavirus Over

DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage , Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over .
“ Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees , I ’ m happy to say we ’ ve reached the final phases of completely deluding ourselves into thinking that this pandemic has somehow stopped spreading and that we ’ re safe , ” said Johnson in a press conference , in which he applauded the city for bringing them to this stage by successfully @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ In order for this to be effective , however , we ’ re instituting guidelines requiring all residents to convince themselves that they can no longer contract or spread this disease , and that despite virtually no changes in the situation , we will no longer need to use hand sanitizers or observe social distancing .
Phase 4 will also need all of you to start going into restaurants and stores without masks and pretending that this is endangering absolutely no one .
Thank you all.
” At press time , Johnson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ protocols would allow the city to soon move into the outright panic and citywide devastation that would characterize Phase 5 .

DALLAS—Saying the city remained on track for progressing into the final stage, Mayor Eric Johnson told Dallas residents Friday that they would soon officially be entering Phase 4 of pretending the coronavirus was over. “Thanks to the efforts of municipal employees, I’m happy to say we’ve reached the final phases of completely deluding ourselves into thinking that this pandemic has somehow stopped spreading and that we’re safe,” said Johnson in a press conference, in which he applauded the city for bringing them to this stage by successfully disregarding the virus in previous phases. “In order for this to be effective, however, we’re instituting guidelines requiring all residents to convince themselves that they can no longer contract or spread this disease, and that despite virtually no changes in the situation, we will no longer need to use hand sanitizers or observe social distancing. Phase 4 will also need all of you to start going into restaurants and stores without masks and pretending that this is endangering absolutely no one. Thank you all.” At press time, Johnson added that he hoped successful observance of protocols would allow the city to soon move into the outright panic and citywide devastation that would characterize Phase 5.


theonion--2020-06-15--ExxonMobil Simplifies Oil Extraction By Cutting Earth In Half

IRVING , TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever , ExxonMobil announced Friday that they @ @ @ @ @ of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half .
“ According to our @ @ @ @ @ faster , easier , and more painless way to find deep , previously undiscovered oil @ @ @ @ @ planet clean in half and take a look at the cross section , ” said @ @ @ @ @ that the process involved slicing the Earth along the prime meridian and then extracting the @ @ @ @ @ rig .
“ While we understand that this will create a 90-degree drop-off point between @ @ @ @ @ , as well as unleash the Earth ’ s molten core , this is still @ @ @ @ @ fracking .
Also , after the Earth has been cut in half , we at @ @ @ @ @ it back together.
” At press time , ExxonMobil was under fire for reportedly spilling @ @ @ @ @ untapped oil outer space .

IRVING, TX—Emphasizing that the new process would revolutionize the fossil fuel industry forever, ExxonMobil announced Friday that they had developed a simpler process of extracting oil that involved cutting the Earth in half. “According to our research, there is no faster, easier, and more painless way to find deep, previously undiscovered oil pockets than to chop the planet clean in half and take a look at the cross section,” said spokesperson Christina Hill, adding that the process involved slicing the Earth along the prime meridian and then extracting the reserves to a giant oil rig. “While we understand that this will create a 90-degree drop-off point between the eastern and western hemispheres, as well as unleash the Earth’s molten core, this is still a much safer alternative to fracking. Also, after the Earth has been cut in half, we at ExxonMobil fully intend to stick it back together.” At press time, ExxonMobil was under fire for reportedly spilling all 2.1 trillion gallons of untapped oil outer space.


theonion--2020-06-15--Online Activists Raise $5 Million To Create New Martin Luther King Jr. Quote

Plus , a troubling new report has found nearly 80 % of all car accidents occur inside the home .
@ @ @ @ @ latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Plus, a troubling new report has found nearly 80% of all car accidents occur inside the home. We’ve got the latest on how to keep you and your family safe while burning rubber in your living room.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-16--Entire Oklahoma State Team To Boycott Season After Mike Gundy Seen In NCAA Shirt

STILLWATER , OK—Condemning the choice to promote such a blatantly bigoted organization , the entire Oklahoma State football team announced their intention Tuesday to boycott the season after Coach Mike Gundy was seen wearing an NCAA shirt .
“ The NCAA logo represents the very exploitation and racial injustice so many of us are fighting against , and it ’ s disgusting that Coach Gundy would promote them , ” said running back Chuba Hubbard , who claimed every single player had vowed to take a stand and sit out the upcoming season unless Gundy changed the culture that would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We feel betrayed .
With everything going on , it ’ s just unacceptable to not understand the oppression the NCAA stands for .
We are working every day to bring about change in this world , and yet the person who leads us is so clueless that he goes and wears a shirt that might as well say , ‘ I like racism.
’ Until Coach Gundy can show he understands what the NCAA stands for , we will not be suiting up.
” At press time , the team @ @ @ @ @ @ @ until Oklahoma State disassociated itself from the state of Oklahoma .

STILLWATER, OK—Condemning the choice to promote such a blatantly bigoted organization, the entire Oklahoma State football team announced their intention Tuesday to boycott the season after Coach Mike Gundy was seen wearing an NCAA shirt. “The NCAA logo represents the very exploitation and racial injustice so many of us are fighting against, and it’s disgusting that Coach Gundy would promote them,” said running back Chuba Hubbard, who claimed every single player had vowed to take a stand and sit out the upcoming season unless Gundy changed the culture that would allow such a vile display of hatred. “We feel betrayed. With everything going on, it’s just unacceptable to not understand the oppression the NCAA stands for. We are working every day to bring about change in this world, and yet the person who leads us is so clueless that he goes and wears a shirt that might as well say, ‘I like racism.’ Until Coach Gundy can show he understands what the NCAA stands for, we will not be suiting up.” At press time, the team had also vowed not to resume play until Oklahoma State disassociated itself from the state of Oklahoma.


theonion--2020-06-16--Scientists Discover Mysterious Radio Transmission From Space That Repeats 50-Minute Intervals Of Non

Scientists Discover Mysterious Radio Transmission From Space That Repeats 50-Minute Intervals Of Nonstop Classic Rock Blocks

MOUNTAIN VIEW , CA—Expressing excitement over what could be a landmark discovery in the search for extraterrestrial life , scientists at the SETI Institute announced Tuesday they had received a mysterious radio transmission from space that repeats 50-minute intervals of nonstop classic rock blocks .
“ We detected a signal emanating from hundreds of thousands of lightyears away that , once deciphered , we realized was all the best hits from Zeppelin , Aerosmith , and the Doors in a back-to-back commercial-free format , ” said SETI researcher Duane Hess , confirming that the transmission could potentially originate from an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ 70s , and ’ 80s rock fans .
“ Our technicians have been jamming out ever since we were able to position our satellites to pick up a clear frequency of the Who , which provided our strongest indication yet that we are not alone in our appreciation of iconic , album-oriented rock ’ n ’ roll .
There remains much to be studied , including an unexplained phenomenon in which , on Tuesdays only , the signal transmits double shots of all our favorites , from the Eagles and Foreigner to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s truly a groundbreaking development .
We have noticed they tend to play the same songs quite a bit , though.
” At press time , researchers were attempting to be the 10th civilization to make contact with the signal ’ s source in order to win a pair of VIP tickets to an upcoming Bad Company show .

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—Expressing excitement over what could be a landmark discovery in the search for extraterrestrial life, scientists at the SETI Institute announced Tuesday they had received a mysterious radio transmission from space that repeats 50-minute intervals of nonstop classic rock blocks. “We detected a signal emanating from hundreds of thousands of lightyears away that, once deciphered, we realized was all the best hits from Zeppelin, Aerosmith, and the Doors in a back-to-back commercial-free format,” said SETI researcher Duane Hess, confirming that the transmission could potentially originate from an alien civilization of die-hard ’60s, ’70s, and ’80s rock fans. “Our technicians have been jamming out ever since we were able to position our satellites to pick up a clear frequency of the Who, which provided our strongest indication yet that we are not alone in our appreciation of iconic, album-oriented rock ’n’ roll. There remains much to be studied, including an unexplained phenomenon in which, on Tuesdays only, the signal transmits double shots of all our favorites, from the Eagles and Foreigner to Eddie Money and Billy Squier. It’s truly a groundbreaking development. We have noticed they tend to play the same songs quite a bit, though.” At press time, researchers were attempting to be the 10th civilization to make contact with the signal’s source in order to win a pair of VIP tickets to an upcoming Bad Company show.


theonion--2020-06-16--42-Year-Old Man Still Unsure What His Interests Are

LAWRENCE , KS—Racking his brain for anything that he liked or an activity that could be considered a hobby , @ @ @ @ @ told reporters Tuesday that he was still unsure what his interests are .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t think that counts as an interest , per se , ” @ @ @ @ @ adding that he also enjoys movies , but doesn ’ t necessarily watch them any @ @ @ @ @ , so he ’ s unsure if that counts either , a conclusion he had @ @ @ @ @ driving , and music .
“ I mean , I cook pretty regularly , but @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m super into cooking ; it ’ s mainly just to have food @ @ @ @ @ this is tough .
I asked my wife , and she didn ’ t really @ @ @ @ @ time , Ferraro had lost interest in trying to find out the answer .

LAWRENCE, KS—Racking his brain for anything that he liked or an activity that could be considered a hobby, local 42-year-old man Dennis Ferraro told reporters Tuesday that he was still unsure what his interests are. “I have a dog, but I don’t think that counts as an interest, per se,” said a befuddled Ferraro, adding that he also enjoys movies, but doesn’t necessarily watch them any more than the average person, so he’s unsure if that counts either, a conclusion he had also reached about exercise, driving, and music. “I mean, I cook pretty regularly, but that’s not because I’m super into cooking; it’s mainly just to have food to eat. Gosh, this is tough. I asked my wife, and she didn’t really know either.” At press time, Ferraro had lost interest in trying to find out the answer.


theonion--2020-06-16--Supreme Court Rules Federal Law Protects LGBT Workers

The Supreme Court voted 6-to-3 in a landmark ruling on Monday that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act , @ @ @ @ @ sex , extends to include gender identity and sexual orientation .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ befo re you know it all forms of workplace discrimination will be illegal.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ for getting fat though , correct ?
” “ I ’ m not sure I @ @ @ @ @ news this year .
”

The Supreme Court voted 6-to-3 in a landmark ruling on Monday that Title VII of the Civil Rights Act, which bars discrimination based on sex, extends to include gender identity and sexual orientation. What do you think?
“Okay, but befo re you know it all forms of workplace discrimination will be illegal.” Hazel Bretherton, Pesticide Technician
“I can still fire employees for getting fat though, correct?” Saul Minkler, Skeleton Bleacher
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theonion--2020-06-16--‘More Tranquil Dammit!’ Screams Perfectionist Ambient Sound Producer Demanding Another Take From Bab

‘More Tranquil Dammit!’ Screams Perfectionist Ambient Sound Producer Demanding Another Take From Babbling Creek

BIG BEAR LAKE , CA—Holding the microphone up to the brook while trying to capture the perfect snippet of running water , Glenn Duncan , a perfectionist ambient sound producer , reportedly demanded another take from a babbling creek Tuesday , screaming at the body of water to be “ More tranquil , dammit !
” “ Jesus fucking Christ , you call that being placid ?
” said Duncan at the small tributary , slating the 57th take of the day as he angrily instructed it to “ do its fucking job ” and flow over a moss-covered rock @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to be here until two in the morning if that ’ s what it ’ s going to take to get you to pour down that hill with peaceful grace and not like a fucking clumsy elephant .
God , you know there ’ s a 100 other creeks I could be working with that actually know how to serenely trickle into a pond ?
” After finally capturing the perfect take , Duncan popped a bottle of champagne and told the stream , “ You ’ re going to be a @ @ @ @ @

BIG BEAR LAKE, CA—Holding the microphone up to the brook while trying to capture the perfect snippet of running water, Glenn Duncan, a perfectionist ambient sound producer, reportedly demanded another take from a babbling creek Tuesday, screaming at the body of water to be “More tranquil, dammit!” “Jesus fucking Christ, you call that being placid?” said Duncan at the small tributary, slating the 57th take of the day as he angrily instructed it to “do its fucking job” and flow over a moss-covered rock more slowly. “We’re going to be here until two in the morning if that’s what it’s going to take to get you to pour down that hill with peaceful grace and not like a fucking clumsy elephant. God, you know there’s a 100 other creeks I could be working with that actually know how to serenely trickle into a pond?” After finally capturing the perfect take, Duncan popped a bottle of champagne and told the stream, “You’re going to be a star, baby!”


theonion--2020-06-16--Jeff Bezos Depressed After Realizing Net Worth Still Just Number Known To Man

SEATTLE—Feeling disheartened by the fact that the sum of his wealth could still be quantified in a comprehensible manner , Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly became depressed Tuesday after realizing that his net worth was still just a number known to man .
“ Man , it really bums me out knowing that the amount of money I have is still within the realm of known mathematics , ” said Bezos , adding that by this point in his career , he assumed the scale of his total earnings would no longer be fathomable by the minds of mere mortals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ madness when they lay their eyes upon my net worth , yet every pea-brained idiot out there has some sort of conception of how much $ 153 billion is .
Seriously , the fact that my net worth isn ’ t just expressed by a Greek symbol makes it feel like I haven ’ t made any money at all.
” At press time , Bezos lowered the wages of his warehouse workers even further in the hopes it would boost his earnings up to a level that ’ s outside the confines @ @ @ @

SEATTLE—Feeling disheartened by the fact that the sum of his wealth could still be quantified in a comprehensible manner, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos reportedly became depressed Tuesday after realizing that his net worth was still just a number known to man. “Man, it really bums me out knowing that the amount of money I have is still within the realm of known mathematics,” said Bezos, adding that by this point in his career, he assumed the scale of his total earnings would no longer be fathomable by the minds of mere mortals. “People should be driven to madness when they lay their eyes upon my net worth, yet every pea-brained idiot out there has some sort of conception of how much $200 billion is. Seriously, the fact that my net worth isn’t just expressed by a Greek symbol makes it feel like I haven’t made any money at all.” At press time, Bezos lowered the wages of his warehouse workers even further in the hopes it would boost his earnings up to a level that’s outside the confines of conventional numbers.


theonion--2020-06-16--NRA Receives Massive Funding Increase From Donors Held At Gunpoint

Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group , but that might be about @ @ @ @ @ the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause , @ @ @ @ @ next .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

Lackluster fundraising efforts have led to serious financial struggles for the gun-rights advocacy group, but that might be about to change. Hear how the NRA is convincing more people than ever before to donate to their cause, and how you might be next.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-16--Fantasy Baseball League Commissioner Knows Handling Of Pandemic Will Define His Legacy

BOCA RATON , FL—Closely following the negotiations between the players union and owners to be ready for any possible scenario , fantasy baseball league commissioner James Gagne admitted Tuesday that he knows his handling of the coronavirus pandemic will forever define his legacy .
“ This is the greatest challenge I ’ ve ever faced , and I know history will judge me for my response , ” said Gagne , explaining that he had already collected league dues and “ worked [ his ] ass off ” to schedule an online draft before shelter-in-place orders began .
“ The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keep things fair no matter how crazy the schedule may be .
At times , I ’ ve thought about just shutting it down for the season , but I don ’ t want anyone thinking I shrank from the moment .
Covid-19 has wreaked havoc on so many fantasy leagues , and how I stand up right now will be how I ’ m remembered forever as a commissioner .
The future of this league is in my hands.
” At press time , Gagne sent an email to league members vowing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ destroy what [ he ] built ” after losing his fantasy hockey league during the 2013 NHL lockout .

BOCA RATON, FL—Closely following the negotiations between the players union and owners to be ready for any possible scenario, fantasy baseball league commissioner James Gagne admitted Tuesday that he knows his handling of the coronavirus pandemic will forever define his legacy. “This is the greatest challenge I’ve ever faced, and I know history will judge me for my response,” said Gagne, explaining that he had already collected league dues and “worked [his] ass off” to schedule an online draft before shelter-in-place orders began. “The guys are really counting on me to keep things fair no matter how crazy the schedule may be. At times, I’ve thought about just shutting it down for the season, but I don’t want anyone thinking I shrank from the moment. Covid-19 has wreaked havoc on so many fantasy leagues, and how I stand up right now will be how I’m remembered forever as a commissioner. The future of this league is in my hands.” At press time, Gagne sent an email to league members vowing not to let a potential work stoppage “destroy what [he] built” after losing his fantasy hockey league during the 2013 NHL lockout.


theonion--2020-06-16--Weight Watchers Debuts New Ad Asking If You Remember Time Grandma Said ‘Someone Got Heavy’ In Front

Weight Watchers Debuts New Ad Asking If You Remember Time Grandma Said ‘Someone Got Heavy’ In Front Of Everybody

NEW YORK—Harkening back to all those times she used to strongly imply you were fat , Weight Watchers debuted a @ @ @ @ @ asks if you recall Grandma saying “ My , someone got heavy !
” in @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Remember when you arrived home for Thanksgiving and , as soon as she @ @ @ @ @ remarked , ‘ I can tell at least one of us is ready for dinner @ @ @ @ @ remained silent and pretended not to hear ?
” said a voice-over during the commercial @ @ @ @ @ woman who comments upon the “ awfully healthy appetite ” of a younger relative enjoying @ @ @ @ @ potatoes .
“ Of course you do .
It was right before she asked if @ @ @ @ @ for you to find people to date .
Does that jog your memory ?
” @ @ @ @ @ an image of the beautiful wedding dress your grandma reportedly wanted to pass down to @ @ @ @ @ think would fit anymore even if you could find a husband .

NEW YORK—Harkening back to all those times she used to strongly imply you were fat, Weight Watchers debuted a new television advertisement Tuesday that asks if you recall Grandma saying “My, someone got heavy!” in front of the whole family. “Remember when you arrived home for Thanksgiving and, as soon as she saw you, your grandmother remarked, ‘I can tell at least one of us is ready for dinner,’ while everyone else remained silent and pretended not to hear?” said a voice-over during the commercial, which featured an elderly woman who comments upon the “awfully healthy appetite” of a younger relative enjoying a second helping of mashed potatoes. “Of course you do. It was right before she asked if your weight made it difficult for you to find people to date. Does that jog your memory?” The 30-second spot concluded with an image of the beautiful wedding dress your grandma reportedly wanted to pass down to you but doesn’t think would fit anymore even if you could find a husband.


theonion--2020-06-16--Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 16, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 16, 2020

After the events of next Sunday , for the rest of your life , people will stop you on the @ @ @ @ @ autograph packages of pork chops .

Taurus | April 20 to May 20
After the events of next Sunday, for the rest of your life, people will stop you on the street and ask you to autograph packages of pork chops.


theonion--2020-06-16--Melania Trump Renegotiated Prenup Before Moving Into White House

According to a forthcoming book , the first lady refused to move into the White House until her prenuptial agreement @ @ @ @ @ proper inheritance and dual Slovenian-American citizenship for her son Barron , so he could one @ @ @ @ @ Trump Organization in Europe .
What do you think ?
“ I always thought she @ @ @ @ @ “ So which half of the country would she get ?
” “ I just @ @ @ @ @ taxpayers did for him .
”

According to a forthcoming book, the first lady refused to move into the White House until her prenuptial agreement was renegotiated to include a proper inheritance and dual Slovenian-American citizenship for her son Barron, so he could one day work fo r the Trump Organization in Europe. What do you think?
“I always thought she was the smarter daughter.” Douglas Schlapp • Laundry Professional
“So which half of the country would she get?” Kingsley DeTrempe • Envelope Licker
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theonion--2020-06-17--Heavily Armed Fans Guard Statue Of Yogi Bear In Case It Turns Out He Supported Confederacy

SIOUX FALLS , SD—Wielding assault rifles and chanting “ smarter than the average bear ” as they gathered around the cartoon character , heavily armed fans reportedly guarded a statue of Yogi Bear Wednesday on the off chance that he turned out to have supported the confederacy .
“ We will lay down our lives to protect this monument to Jellystone ’ s finest bear , whether or not he happened to be a defender of Southern slave states , ” said Phil Markey , 43 , echoing dozens of other protesters who pledged to march day and night in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in fact , support the Confederacy and attempted to deface or destroy his statue , arguing that the social justice warriors ignored the cartoon bear ’ s kindness to Boo-Boo Bear and well-known contributions to stealing “ pic-a-nic baskets.
” “ Whether or not he was a lackey for Jefferson Davis—and , again , we don ’ t really know this—Yogi Bear is part of this nation ’ s rich history .
You can not simply erase his escapades with Ranger Smith.
” At press time , the group ’ s leader was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ slope to removing Yakky Doodle or Snagglepuss statues , or even shaming someone for simply singing “ Hey There , It ’ s Yogi Bear ” in public .

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Wielding assault rifles and chanting “smarter than the average bear” as they gathered around the cartoon character, heavily armed fans reportedly guarded a statue of Yogi Bear Wednesday on the off chance that he turned out to have supported the confederacy. “We will lay down our lives to protect this monument to Jellystone’s finest bear, whether or not he happened to be a defender of Southern slave states,” said Phil Markey, 43, echoing dozens of other protesters who pledged to march day and night in case activists discovered Yogi Bear did, in fact, support the Confederacy and attempted to deface or destroy his statue, arguing that the social justice warriors ignored the cartoon bear’s kindness to Boo-Boo Bear and well-known contributions to stealing “pic-a-nic baskets.” “Whether or not he was a lackey for Jefferson Davis—and, again, we don’t really know this—Yogi Bear is part of this nation’s rich history. You cannot simply erase his escapades with Ranger Smith.” At press time, the group’s leader was arguing this could all be a slippery slope to removing Yakky Doodle or Snagglepuss statues, or even shaming someone for simply singing “Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear” in public.


theonion--2020-06-17--7-Eleven Cancels Free Slurpee Day

7-Eleven Cancels Free Slurpee Day

Convenience store chain 7-Eleven confirmed they will cancel this year ’ s Free Slurpee Day , scheduled for July 11 @ @ @ @ @ associated with the Covid-19 pandemic.
” What do you think ?
“ Free Slurpe e @ @ @ @ @ some date on a calendar , it ’ s a state of mind.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ lose a ton of business from folks like me who won ’ t be coming @ @ @ @ @ “ We ’ ll probably just do something low-key at home this year .
”

Convenience store chain 7-Eleven confirmed they will cancel this year’s Free Slurpee Day, scheduled for July 11, due to “uncertainties associated with the Covid-19 pandemic.” What do you think?
“Free Slurpe e Day isn’t just some date on a calendar, it’s a state of mind.” Ron Varco • Tablecloth Embroiderer
“They’re going to lose a ton of business from folks like me who won’t be coming in for free Slurpees.” Frank Bluhm • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-06-17--William Howard Taft Historian Confident Solution To Nation’s Troubles Can Be Found In Storied Career

William Howard Taft Historian Confident Solution To Nation’s Troubles Can Be Found In Storied Career Of William Howard Taft

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the parallels with our age were almost uncanny , William Howard Taft historian B.R .
Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was confident the solution to our nation ’ s troubles could be found in the storied career of William Howard Taft .
“ America is fractured , but I ’ m sure that a balm to this badly divided nation lies somewhere in the wise words of the 27th president , ” said Carter , who noted that his friendship and falling out with Teddy Roosevelt was a tale with many lessons that would undoubtedly resonate in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ certainly living in Taftian times , to say the least .
Perhaps if we stopped arguing and read up on his support for lower tariffs or his second career as chief justice of the Supreme Court in my illuminating biography Taft : Man Of Vision , we could find a way forward .
Right now , the entire nation should be looking to Taft.
” Carter added that Taft ’ s great quote , “ A man never knows exactly how the child of his brain will strike other people , ” rings @ @ @ @ @ @

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the parallels with our age were almost uncanny, William Howard Taft historian B.R. Carter told reporters Wednesday that he was confident the solution to our nation’s troubles could be found in the storied career of William Howard Taft. “America is fractured, but I’m sure that a balm to this badly divided nation lies somewhere in the wise words of the 27th president,” said Carter, who noted that his friendship and falling out with Teddy Roosevelt was a tale with many lessons that would undoubtedly resonate in these distraught times. “We are certainly living in Taftian times, to say the least. Perhaps if we stopped arguing and read up on his support for lower tariffs or his second career as chief justice of the Supreme Court in my illuminating biography Taft: Man Of Vision, we could find a way forward. Right now, the entire nation should be looking to Taft.” Carter added that Taft’s great quote, “A man never knows exactly how the child of his brain will strike other people,” rings more true today than ever.


theonion--2020-06-17--NASA Launches Paparazzo Rover In Beverly Hills To Search For Signs Of Salacious Celebrity Life

BEVERLY HILLS—Emphasizing that the mission would finally give humans unprecedented access to juicy , A-list action , NASA scientists told reporters Wednesday that they had launched a paparazzo rover in Beverly Hills to search for signs of salacious celebrity life .
“ After years of simply researching from afar , NASA ’ s new paparazzo rover will allow scientists to prove once and for all that celebs are not just out there , but that they are a drunken , sloppy mess , ” said spokeswoman Hayley Emmanuel , who added that the unmanned vehicle , which cost 3.5 billion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sensors and infrared detectors as well as a 600 mm telephoto lens capable of detecting a nip slip , cellulite , or weight gain from hundreds of feet away .
“ For the next several years , we hope this revolutionary device will allow humans to traverse Rodeo Drive and document celebrity shenanigans in vivid color .
Imagine , being able to see a high-as-hell Miley Cyrus fighting tooth and nail with a bouncer , or analyze a high-res image of Ben Affleck ’ s back tattoo .
At this point , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will look like , but we know it will be spectacular.
” At press time , NASA had announced the rover was in grave danger of powering down after it accidentally flipped over near the Beverly Hills Hotel , leaving its solar panels facing the wrong direction .

BEVERLY HILLS—Emphasizing that the mission would finally give humans unprecedented access to juicy, A-list action, NASA scientists told reporters Wednesday that they had launched a paparazzo rover in Beverly Hills to search for signs of salacious celebrity life. “After years of simply researching from afar, NASA’s new paparazzo rover will allow scientists to prove once and for all that celebs are not just out there, but that they are a drunken, sloppy mess,” said spokeswoman Hayley Emmanuel, who added that the unmanned vehicle, which cost 3.5 billion dollars, was fully equipped with heat sensors and infrared detectors as well as a 600 mm telephoto lens capable of detecting a nip slip, cellulite, or weight gain from hundreds of feet away. “For the next several years, we hope this revolutionary device will allow humans to traverse Rodeo Drive and document celebrity shenanigans in vivid color. Imagine, being able to see a high-as-hell Miley Cyrus fighting tooth and nail with a bouncer, or analyze a high-res image of Ben Affleck’s back tattoo. At this point, we can’t even imagine what that will look like, but we know it will be spectacular.” At press time, NASA had announced the rover was in grave danger of powering down after it accidentally flipped over near the Beverly Hills Hotel, leaving its solar panels facing the wrong direction.


theonion--2020-06-17--Sweat-Soaked Mattress Praying This The Year Couple Invests In Air Conditioner

CHICAGO—Finding itself desperately uncertain that it could take it much longer , the sweat-soaked mattress belonging to Jared and Carla Ames prayed Wednesday that this would be the year the couple finally invested in air conditioning .
“ It ’ s pricey , I get it , but for Christ ’ s sake , I ’ m literally drowning here and these fans are doing less than jack shit , ” said the queen-sized mattress , which claimed it has spent the last five summers yearning with every ounce of its memory foam core for a higher power to intervene @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a window unit .
“ I start every night warm and reach every morning absolutely sopping wet .
This can ’ t go on .
Changing the sheets doesn ’ t do a thing .
I ’ m constantly damp , and I smell like absolute shit .
Mildew can ’ t be far off .
I look like they found me in an alley.
” At press time , the mattress was praying the couple would discover the $ 10,000 in cash stuffed inside of it and move to an apartment with @ @ @

CHICAGO—Finding itself desperately uncertain that it could take it much longer, the sweat-soaked mattress belonging to Jared and Carla Ames prayed Wednesday that this would be the year the couple finally invested in air conditioning. “It’s pricey, I get it, but for Christ’s sake, I’m literally drowning here and these fans are doing less than jack shit,” said the queen-sized mattress, which claimed it has spent the last five summers yearning with every ounce of its memory foam core for a higher power to intervene and compel the couple to splurge on a window unit. “I start every night warm and reach every morning absolutely sopping wet. This can’t go on. Changing the sheets doesn’t do a thing. I’m constantly damp, and I smell like absolute shit. Mildew can’t be far off. I look like they found me in an alley.” At press time, the mattress was praying the couple would discover the $10,000 in cash stuffed inside of it and move to an apartment with central air.


theonion--2020-06-17--Manipulative Stepmom Only Married Dad So She Could Take Care Of Him Into Old Age

PENSACOLA , FL—Milking the aging man for all his love and affection , manipulative stepmother Tracy Duffield , 63 , only married local dad Robert Morales , 77 , so that she could take care of him as he grows old , sources reported Wednesday .
“ Ugh , she ’ s obviously just taking advantage of Dad ’ s vulnerable state by offering him companionship into his twilight years and , eventually , standing by his side as he slowly declines into senility , ” said Duffield ’ s stepson Ben Morales , who explained that as soon as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he knew she was only in it to cut up his dad ’ s food for him in the years when he was no longer able , and to one day sit at his bedside reading aloud to the semi-conscious man as he wasted away in hospice .
“ It ’ s disgusting the way Tracy lavishes Dad with attention and provides him with all the emotional support he never gets from us .
If that bitch thinks she can swoop in and nurture him through an excruciating , drawn-out period of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t even remember who she is , let alone return her love , she ’ s got another thing coming.
” At press time , Ben insisted Duffield was trying to play his father for a fool by rushing him to the hospital for a life-saving emergency double bypass .

PENSACOLA, FL—Milking the aging man for all his love and affection, manipulative stepmother Tracy Duffield, 63, only married local dad Robert Morales, 77, so that she could take care of him as he grows old, sources reported Wednesday. “Ugh, she’s obviously just taking advantage of Dad’s vulnerable state by offering him companionship into his twilight years and, eventually, standing by his side as he slowly declines into senility,” said Duffield’s stepson Ben Morales, who explained that as soon as his father introduced her to the family, he knew she was only in it to cut up his dad’s food for him in the years when he was no longer able, and to one day sit at his bedside reading aloud to the semi-conscious man as he wasted away in hospice. “It’s disgusting the way Tracy lavishes Dad with attention and provides him with all the emotional support he never gets from us. If that bitch thinks she can swoop in and nurture him through an excruciating, drawn-out period of general deterioration and dementia during which he can’t even remember who she is, let alone return her love, she’s got another thing coming.” At press time, Ben insisted Duffield was trying to play his father for a fool by rushing him to the hospital for a life-saving emergency double bypass.


theonion--2020-06-17--Report: There Already 5 Million Players Who Are Better Than You’ll Ever Be At ‘Valorant’

LAS VEGAS—Warning that such individuals were increasing at an unprecedented pace since the team-based shooter ’ s recent release , a report released Wednesday by the University of Las Vegas Center for Gaming Research found that there are already five million players who are better than you will ever be at Valorant .
“ Despite the fact this title came out only two weeks ago , our research suggests that you are already so far behind millions of players in both skill and playtime that you will never be able to meaningfully compete in a match , ” said lead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which projects the number of players who have memorized every in-game hotkey and the specific weaknesses of all 11 agents would surpass 10 million by the end of this week alone .
“ You might be excited to try out Valorant .
You might think it ’ ll be a fun distraction .
But you should know that there are a near-limitless number of people out there who will destroy you immediately .
You will never be good .
You will never even approach being good .
And every minute that passes , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who will surpass your abilities to the point of rendering the game unplayable.
” Polk added that the Center ’ s advice to all players would be to just move on from Valorant and try to get in on the ground floor of another shooter ’ s closed beta .

LAS VEGAS—Warning that such individuals were increasing at an unprecedented pace since the team-based shooter’s recent release, a report released Wednesday by the University of Las Vegas Center for Gaming Research found that there are already five million players who are better than you will ever be at Valorant. “Despite the fact this title came out only two weeks ago, our research suggests that you are already so far behind millions of players in both skill and playtime that you will never be able to meaningfully compete in a match,” said lead researcher Marvin Polk of the report, which projects the number of players who have memorized every in-game hotkey and the specific weaknesses of all 11 agents would surpass 10 million by the end of this week alone. “You might be excited to try out Valorant. You might think it’ll be a fun distraction. But you should know that there are a near-limitless number of people out there who will destroy you immediately. You will never be good. You will never even approach being good. And every minute that passes, another thousand people will take up Valorant who will surpass your abilities to the point of rendering the game unplayable.” Polk added that the Center’s advice to all players would be to just move on from Valorant and try to get in on the ground floor of another shooter’s closed beta.


theonion--2020-06-17--Congress Moving Toward Safer Vote-By-Paper-Airplane Option

The proposed $ 2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a @ @ @ @ @ but lightweight ; simple but ingenious .
Plus , we take a closer look at @ @ @ @ @ ’ s favorite vegetable be making you fat ?
You can find The Topical on @ @ @ @ @ Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The proposed $2 trillion coronavirus relief bill includes provisions for quality printer paper Americans can use to construct a plane that’s sturdy but lightweight; simple but ingenious. Plus, we take a closer look at candy bars: Could America’s favorite vegetable be making you fat?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-17--Disgusted Patio Diner Pretty Sure She Just Saw Coronavirus Scurry Into Bushes

NEW YORK—Commenting that there was “ no way ” the restaurant ’ s sanitation efforts were even close to acceptable , disgusted patio diner Caitlynn Simmons told reporters Wednesday she was pretty sure she just saw coronavirus scurry past her and into the bushes .
“ It was so gross , it ran from the inside of the restaurant right across my foot , and it felt wet , ” said a visibly shuddering Simmons , as a nearby waiter rolled his eyes before commenting that this was bound to happen in a city that was infested with coronavirus .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ saying that it ’ s gross and it ’ s a hazard , so someone should call the health department if they have Covid-19 living back there in the kitchen .
Plus , it ’ s not like diners are helping—two minutes ago , I saw the people at the table next to me sitting there , feeding it their fries.
” At press time , Simmons remarked that even though it was gross , she couldn ’ t help but think the coronavirus babies she spotted living in the bushes were actually @ @ @ @

NEW YORK—Commenting that there was “no way” the restaurant’s sanitation efforts were even close to acceptable, disgusted patio diner Caitlynn Simmons told reporters Wednesday she was pretty sure she just saw coronavirus scurry past her and into the bushes. “It was so gross, it ran from the inside of the restaurant right across my foot, and it felt wet,” said a visibly shuddering Simmons, as a nearby waiter rolled his eyes before commenting that this was bound to happen in a city that was infested with coronavirus. “Look, I’m just saying that it’s gross and it’s a hazard, so someone should call the health department if they have Covid-19 living back there in the kitchen. Plus, it’s not like diners are helping—two minutes ago, I saw the people at the table next to me sitting there, feeding it their fries.” At press time, Simmons remarked that even though it was gross, she couldn’t help but think the coronavirus babies she spotted living in the bushes were actually kind of cute.


theonion--2020-06-17--2021 Oscars Postponed 2 Months

2021 Oscars Postponed 2 Months

The 93rd Academy Awards , originally scheduled for February 2021 , will be postponed until April to allow filmmakers more @ @ @ @ @ their movies in the wake of the pandemic .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ see what they come up with if you give them less time.
” “ If @ @ @ @ @ an award-worthy film during multiple global crises , maybe you ’ re just not cut @ @ @ @ @ ” “ It ’ ll also allow additional time for the host to write a @ @ @ @ @ masks .
”

The 93rd Academy Awards, originally scheduled for February 2021, will be postponed until April to allow filmmakers more time to create and release their movies in the wake of the pandemic. What do you think?
“I’d rath er see what they come up with if you give them less time.” Kip Wiedlin • Corporate Deer Hunter
“If you can’t create an award-worthy film during multiple global crises, maybe you’re just not cut out to work in showbiz.” Howard Pownall • Dough Kneader
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theonion--2020-06-18--Aunt Jemima, Mrs. Butterworth, Uncle Ben’s Brands To Be Overhauled

The parent companies of Aunt Jemima pancake mix , Mrs. Butterworth syrup , and Uncle Ben ’ s rice have @ @ @ @ @ to revamp or fully retire the brands , acknowledging the racist origins of the images @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ I think this is an erasure of how much aunts and uncles have @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s time to end the harmful stereotype that all black women are filled @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ve been saying for years , all of this could have been avoided @ @ @ @ @ a sexy anime lady .
”

The parent companies of Aunt Jemima pancake mix, Mrs. Butterworth syrup, and Uncle Ben’s rice have each announced this week plans to revamp or fully retire the brands, acknowledging the racist origins of the images. What do you think?
“I think this is an erasure of how much aunts and uncles have contributed to society.” Will Culbertson • Lint Remover
“It’s time to end the harmful stereotype that all black women are filled with syrup.” Tonya Boudry • School Doula
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theonion--2020-06-18--White House Toilet Doesn’t Know If It Can Handle Another 4 Years Of Trump

WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of what another term would bring , a White House toilet reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that it didn ’ t know if it could handle another four years of President Donald Trump .
“ I know I ’ m supposed to be apolitical and serve at the pleasure of the president , whoever it is , but I truly don ’ t think that I can take it if Trump wins reelection , ” said the porcelain commode , explaining that it had served honorably through several administrations and had never experienced anything as unspeakable as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I thought that maybe the office would change him , but if anything , he ’ s only gotten worse .
I ’ m honestly surprised I ’ ve made it this long .
Every day is such a slog .
Honestly , I ’ m at my breaking point .
Biden isn ’ t perfect by any means , but he ’ d certainly be an improvement .
The sink doesn ’ t get what my deal is , but obviously she doesn ’ t understand because she ’ s never been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ White House toilet claimed to be most worried about the possibility of Trump refusing to give up the bathroom voluntarily in November .

WASHINGTON—Shuddering at the thought of what another term would bring, a White House toilet reportedly expressed concerns Thursday that it didn’t know if it could handle another four years of President Donald Trump. “I know I’m supposed to be apolitical and serve at the pleasure of the president, whoever it is, but I truly don’t think that I can take it if Trump wins reelection,” said the porcelain commode, explaining that it had served honorably through several administrations and had never experienced anything as unspeakable as Trump’s bowel movements. “I thought that maybe the office would change him, but if anything, he’s only gotten worse. I’m honestly surprised I’ve made it this long. Every day is such a slog. Honestly, I’m at my breaking point. Biden isn’t perfect by any means, but he’d certainly be an improvement. The sink doesn’t get what my deal is, but obviously she doesn’t understand because she’s never been used.” At press time, the White House toilet claimed to be most worried about the possibility of Trump refusing to give up the bathroom voluntarily in November.


theonion--2020-06-18--Kentucky Attorney General So Starstruck By Letter From Beyoncé He Unable To Even Read What It’s Abou

Kentucky Attorney General So Starstruck By Letter From Beyoncé He Unable To Even Read What It’s About

FRANKFORT , KY—Describing feelings of excitement despite social unrest and an inundation of calls for justice after the extrajudicial murder of Breonna Taylor , Kentucky attorney general Daniel Cameron was reportedly so starstruck this week by the open letter penned to him by world-famous singer–songwriter Beyoncé that he was unable to read what it was about .
“ Oh my god , oh my god , wow , I can ’ t believe Queen Bey would want to write a letter to me !
” said Cameron before reportedly clapping while he jumped up and down , assuming he was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or receive VIP backstage passes to her next stadium tour .
“ I have been a huge fan ever since Destiny ’ s Child .
Work has been really stressful lately , so getting this is just an amazing gift , this is so crazy !
My hands are shaking , I don ’ t even know why someone famous like her would want to talk to me !
” At press time , Cameron had crumpled up the letter after realizing it called for the arrest of the officers who murdered Breonna @ @

FRANKFORT, KY—Describing feelings of excitement despite social unrest and an inundation of calls for justice after the extrajudicial murder of Breonna Taylor, Kentucky attorney general Daniel Cameron was reportedly so starstruck this week by the open letter penned to him by world-famous singer–songwriter Beyoncé that he was unable to read what it was about. “Oh my god, oh my god, wow, I can’t believe Queen Bey would want to write a letter to me!” said Cameron before reportedly clapping while he jumped up and down, assuming he was being invited to be a backup dancer or receive VIP backstage passes to her next stadium tour. “I have been a huge fan ever since Destiny’s Child. Work has been really stressful lately, so getting this is just an amazing gift, this is so crazy! My hands are shaking, I don’t even know why someone famous like her would want to talk to me!” At press time, Cameron had crumpled up the letter after realizing it called for the arrest of the officers who murdered Breonna Taylor.


theonion--2020-06-18--Researchers Find Crows Smart Enough Not To Let On How Smart They Really Are

SEATTLE—Concluding that the species is far more advanced than it pretends to be , researchers at the University of Washington have found that crows are smart enough not to let on how smart they really are , according to a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Field Ornithology .
“ After closely examining a variety of different crows over a series of months , we have concluded that their brains are so highly developed that they are actually able to play dumb , ” said biologist Eugene Russo , adding that members of the Corvus genus have the cognitive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to their chest and keep mum when it suits their interests , extraordinary behaviors not witnessed in any of their fellow bird species .
“ Beyond their well-known abilities to use tools and recognize faces , we can not be certain what advanced skills they may be hiding , given that they can choose to act completely clueless and dimwitted in any situation they wish .
It ’ s hard to get a read on crows .
We haven ’ t even tried to place them on the avian IQ scale , because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smarts that we don ’ t know about and that our metrics wouldn ’ t be able to account for anyway.
” Russo went on to state that emus , however , are just as goddamn stupid as they appear to be .

SEATTLE—Concluding that the species is far more advanced than it pretends to be, researchers at the University of Washington have found that crows are smart enough not to let on how smart they really are, according to a study published Thursday in the Journal Of Field Ornithology. “After closely examining a variety of different crows over a series of months, we have concluded that their brains are so highly developed that they are actually able to play dumb,” said biologist Eugene Russo, adding that members of the Corvus genus have the cognitive capacities required to play their cards close to their chest and keep mum when it suits their interests, extraordinary behaviors not witnessed in any of their fellow bird species. “Beyond their well-known abilities to use tools and recognize faces, we cannot be certain what advanced skills they may be hiding, given that they can choose to act completely clueless and dimwitted in any situation they wish. It’s hard to get a read on crows. We haven’t even tried to place them on the avian IQ scale, because they probably have all kinds of street smarts that we don’t know about and that our metrics wouldn’t be able to account for anyway.” Russo went on to state that emus, however, are just as goddamn stupid as they appear to be.


theonion--2020-06-18--Sony Reveals PS5 Fully Customizable With Different Little Hats

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the new feature would represent the cutting edge of what the next generation has to offer , Sony revealed Thursday that the PlayStation 5 will be a fully customizable console that allows users to put different hats atop it .
“ We designed the PlayStation 5 from the ground up with player customization in mind , which is why we ’ re letting gamers everywhere place a little baseball cap or fedora on the console , ” said Sony Interactive Entertainment president Jim Ryan , noting that gamers had never before experienced the thrill of personalization offered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fez , tyrolean cap , or jaunty cabbie ’ s hat .
“ That means that if you ’ re playing a more serious title like The Last Of Us Part II , you might opt for a formal homburg hat to honor the occasion .
Whereas if you ’ re going for a more fun-loving look , you might try a tiny porkpie hat and , who knows , maybe even a paisley scarf .
This is what the next generation is all about , and we at Sony could not be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a mere $ 14.99 per hat.
” Ryan cautioned , however , that due to vent placement , gamers could not put a hat on the console and then play it for longer than 15 minutes without creating a serious fire hazard that could threaten the lives of them and their families .

NEW YORK—Emphasizing that the new feature would represent the cutting edge of what the next generation has to offer, Sony revealed Thursday that the PlayStation 5 will be a fully customizable console that allows users to put different hats atop it. “We designed the PlayStation 5 from the ground up with player customization in mind, which is why we’re letting gamers everywhere place a little baseball cap or fedora on the console,” said Sony Interactive Entertainment president Jim Ryan, noting that gamers had never before experienced the thrill of personalization offered by adorning their PlayStations with a small fez, tyrolean cap, or jaunty cabbie’s hat. “That means that if you’re playing a more serious title like The Last Of Us Part II, you might opt for a formal homburg hat to honor the occasion. Whereas if you’re going for a more fun-loving look, you might try a tiny porkpie hat and, who knows, maybe even a paisley scarf. This is what the next generation is all about, and we at Sony could not be more excited to finally offer it for a mere $14.99 per hat.” Ryan cautioned, however, that due to vent placement, gamers could not put a hat on the console and then play it for longer than 15 minutes without creating a serious fire hazard that could threaten the lives of them and their families.


theonion--2020-06-18--Report: This A Goddamn Walk In The Park Compared To What’s Coming In 2027

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that Americans should enjoy these halcyon days while they still can , a new report from the Pew Research Center confirmed Thursday that this is a goddamn walk in the park compared to what ’ s coming in 2027 .
“ Our research has found that if you think you ’ re stressed out now , savor it , because all of this is a drop in the ocean in contrast to what ’ s coming down the pike , ” said report co-author Nancy Keaty , who explained that all data indicated things were about to get “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ways that were impossible to be prevented or corrected .
“ Buckle the fuck up , because shit is about to hit the fan .
You might feel like everything that is happening right now is preparing you for something later .
It ’ s not .
You won ’ t be prepared at all .
Seriously , all 328 million of you better hold onto your asses .
Well , the 150 million of you who will be left by then.
” At press time , Keaty added that 2029 wouldn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ either .

WASHINGTON—Suggesting that Americans should enjoy these halcyon days while they still can, a new report from the Pew Research Center confirmed Thursday that this is a goddamn walk in the park compared to what’s coming in 2027. “Our research has found that if you think you’re stressed out now, savor it, because all of this is a drop in the ocean in contrast to what’s coming down the pike,” said report co-author Nancy Keaty, who explained that all data indicated things were about to get “real bad, hoo boy” in ways that were impossible to be prevented or corrected. “Buckle the fuck up, because shit is about to hit the fan. You might feel like everything that is happening right now is preparing you for something later. It’s not. You won’t be prepared at all. Seriously, all 328 million of you better hold onto your asses. Well, the 150 million of you who will be left by then.” At press time, Keaty added that 2029 wouldn’t exactly be a piece of cake either.


theonion--2020-06-18--Jimmy Carter Checks Into Rehab For Debilitating House-Building Addiction

Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help , and just what it @ @ @ @ @ kick the habit for good .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , @ @ @ @ @ and Stitcher .

Hear how an apparent three-day house-building bender led the former president to finally seek help, and just what it will take for him to kick the habit for good.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-18--American Airlines Suspends Alcohol Service For Economy Class

American Airlines announced this week that due to coronavirus fears they will no longer sell alcohol on flights in an @ @ @ @ @ of time passengers spend with their masks off , but that the ban does not @ @ @ @ @ class .
What do you think ?
“ I ’ m not sure why the @ @ @ @ @ to begin with .
”

American Airlines announced this week that due to coronavirus fears they will no longer sell alcohol on flights in an effort to reduce the amount of time passengers spend with their masks off, but that the ban does not apply to people in first class. What do you think?
“I’m not sure why the rowdy underclass was permitted alcohol to begin with.” Russell Domnitz • Dream Interpreter
“But it’s the poor who need alcohol the most.” Debbie Pfeffer • Coal Fire Operator
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theonion--2020-06-19--Mental Health Experts Advise On Best Ways To Combat Intrusive Thoughts Of Your Father Naked

It ’ s an affliction many don ’ t like to talk about , but one that more and more @ @ @ @ @ day , especially around this time of year .
Hear how you can keep the @ @ @ @ @ s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively .
You can find @ @ @ @ @ , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It’s an affliction many don’t like to talk about, but one that more and more people are suffering from each day, especially around this time of year. Hear how you can keep the image of your father’s nude and weathered body out of your psyche most effectively.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-19--The Onion’s Father’s Day Gift Guide For The Dad Who Has It All

Just a nice picture of all you kids There ’ s nothing your dad really wants this year , but @ @ @ @ @ all you kids together for his wallet or office would be nice .
You guys @ @ @ @ @ now and the family is rarely all together .
It ’ s the least you @ @ @

Just a nice picture of all you kids
There’s nothing your dad really wants this year, but just a good photo of all you kids together for his wallet or office would be nice. You guys are all so far away now and the family is rarely all together. It’s the least you can do.


theonion--2020-06-19--Huh, Boyfriend’s Ex Just Made Interesting Hair Choice

AUSTIN , TX—After a routine inspection of a mutual acquaintance ’ s Instagram page , local woman Alison Hannon remarked @ @ @ @ @ her boyfriend ’ s ex seems to have just made an interesting hair choice .
@ @ @ @ @ s definitely a bold move for her face type , but hopefully it works out @ @ @ @ @ Hannon , clicking on several subsequent photographs while observing that this was an especially unconventional @ @ @ @ @ ’ s stringier hair texture , but , hey , maybe that was what she @ @ @ @ @ , it sort of goes with her unique sense of style .
Good for her @ @ @ @ @ know ?
” At press time , Hannon was speculating that perhaps the woman ’ @ @ @ @ @ haircut before remembering with surprise that she hadn ’ t had one for three years @

AUSTIN, TX—After a routine inspection of a mutual acquaintance’s Instagram page, local woman Alison Hannon remarked Monday that, huh, her boyfriend’s ex seems to have just made an interesting hair choice. “Well, that’s definitely a bold move for her face type, but hopefully it works out for her,” said Hannon, clicking on several subsequent photographs while observing that this was an especially unconventional style choice considering the woman’s stringier hair texture, but, hey, maybe that was what she wanted. “Then again, it sort of goes with her unique sense of style. Good for her for trying something, you know?” At press time, Hannon was speculating that perhaps the woman’s current boyfriend liked the haircut before remembering with surprise that she hadn’t had one for three years.


theonion--2020-06-19--‘It’s Perfect Outside,’ Announces Sweating Woman Slowly Losing Consciousness In Middle Of Heatstroke

SKOKIE , IL—Visibly sweating under the scorching summer sun , local woman Chloe Baumgartner reportedly announced “ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ slowly losing consciousness in the middle of a heatstroke .
“ What a lovely day @ @ @ @ @ who slurred her words as she admired the unseasonably warm June weather , gasping for @ @ @ @ @ of delirium .
“ Who could stay inside on a day like this ?
” @ @ @ @ @ forward and trying to maintain balance as her vital organs began to shut down one @ @ @ @ @ just feels so good , ” Baumgarnter added , her body collapsing onto the hot @ @ @ @ @ , Baumgartner had succumbed to the elements after cheerfully remarking that there wasn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ .

SKOKIE, IL—Visibly sweating under the scorching summer sun, local woman Chloe Baumgartner reportedly announced “It’s perfect outside” Friday while slowly losing consciousness in the middle of a heatstroke. “What a lovely day,” said Baumgartner, who slurred her words as she admired the unseasonably warm June weather, gasping for air in a total state of delirium. “Who could stay inside on a day like this?” the 32-year-old noted, stumbling forward and trying to maintain balance as her vital organs began to shut down one by one. “It just feels so good,” Baumgarnter added, her body collapsing onto the hot pavement. At press time, Baumgartner had succumbed to the elements after cheerfully remarking that there wasn’t a sun in the sky.


theonion--2020-06-19--Man Hates How Hot Dog-Eating Contests Reduce Art Of Eating Hot Dogs To A Competition

BATON ROUGE , LA—Defending the deeply personal pursuit of choking down as many ballpark franks as you can cram into your mouth , local man Tim Aveline told reporters Friday he hated how hot-dog-eating contests have reduced the art of eating hot dogs to mere competition .
“ It ’ s really gross how these events where they hand out big prizes have exploited our passion for gorging on handful after handful of hot dogs and buns that have been dunked in water to speed their way down our throats , ” said Aveline , explaining that a lot of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ included in such competitive showcases because they worked outside of mainstream channels or simply did not know the right people .
“ The crass practice of pitting one person against another in competition strips away everything that makes the craft of eating 60 or 70 hot dogs in 10 minutes such a delicate , highly individual process .
There is a unique beauty in the way each practitioner suppresses their gag reflex in order to swallow processed meat as efficiently as possible , and the poignancy of these genuine aesthetic achievements are trivialized @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and losing .
Eating so many hot dogs that it makes you violently ill should be a reward unto itself.
” Aveline went on to suggest that competitors like world champion eater Joey Chestnut were really more about sex appeal than artistry .

BATON ROUGE, LA—Defending the deeply personal pursuit of choking down as many ballpark franks as you can cram into your mouth, local man Tim Aveline told reporters Friday he hated how hot-dog-eating contests have reduced the art of eating hot dogs to mere competition. “It’s really gross how these events where they hand out big prizes have exploited our passion for gorging on handful after handful of hot dogs and buns that have been dunked in water to speed their way down our throats,” said Aveline, explaining that a lot of the best hot-dog eaters were not even included in such competitive showcases because they worked outside of mainstream channels or simply did not know the right people. “The crass practice of pitting one person against another in competition strips away everything that makes the craft of eating 60 or 70 hot dogs in 10 minutes such a delicate, highly individual process. There is a unique beauty in the way each practitioner suppresses their gag reflex in order to swallow processed meat as efficiently as possible, and the poignancy of these genuine aesthetic achievements are trivialized when we make it all about winning and losing. Eating so many hot dogs that it makes you violently ill should be a reward unto itself.” Aveline went on to suggest that competitors like world champion eater Joey Chestnut were really more about sex appeal than artistry.


theonion--2020-06-19--Kristen Stewart To Play Princess Diana In Upcoming Biopic

Twilight star Kristen Stewart is set to play Princess Diana in an upcoming film which focuses on a weekend in @ @ @ @ @ decided she could no longer be married to Prince Charles .
What do you think @ @ @ @ @ ’ m so sick of pop culture ’ s obsession with making new movies.
” @ @ @ @ @ to be getting more of the spotlight she loved so much .
”

Twilight star Kristen Stewart is set to play Princess Diana in an upcoming film which focuses on a weekend in the early 1990s when Diana decided she could no longer be married to Prince Charles. What do you think?
“Ugh, I’m so sick of pop culture’s obsession with making new movies.” Buzz Scarboro, Hentai Scholar
“Diana would be thrilled to be getting more of the spotlight she loved so much.” Ivy Moelter, Expert Typist
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theonion--2020-06-19--Resigned Pew Research Study Has No Fucking Clue What’s Going On With 15% Of Americans

WASHINGTON—Classifying millions of citizens around the country as “ total goddamn mysteries , ” a resigned Pew Research study released @ @ @ @ @ to determine what the fuck was going on with 15 % of Americans .
“ @ @ @ @ @ venture , we are still just as confused , if not more confused , about @ @ @ @ @ all these indecipherable weirdos , ” said lead researcher Jenna Kirkman , before throwing her @ @ @ @ @ and calling a large portion of Americans “ lost causes.
” “ According to our @ @ @ @ @ large portion of Americans are just freaks who will never be understood , no matter @ @ @ @ @ Are they happy ?
Sad ?
Old ?
Young ?
Unfortunately , because so much @ @ @ @ @ total fucking randos , we may never actually know.
” At press time , Kirkman @ @ @ @ @ % of Americans were basic as shit , allowing researchers to easily parse every detail @ @ @ @ @ lives .

WASHINGTON—Classifying millions of citizens around the country as “total goddamn mysteries,” a resigned Pew Research study released Friday found it was impossible to determine what the fuck was going on with 15% of Americans. “After an exhaustive, year-long venture, we are still just as confused, if not more confused, about what the deal is with all these indecipherable weirdos,” said lead researcher Jenna Kirkman, before throwing her arms into the air, and calling a large portion of Americans “lost causes.” “According to our very frustrating research, a large portion of Americans are just freaks who will never be understood, no matter how hard we try. Are they happy? Sad? Old? Young? Unfortunately, because so much of the nation are just total fucking randos, we may never actually know.” At press time, Kirkman added that the remaining 85% of Americans were basic as shit, allowing researchers to easily parse every detail about their boring, miserable lives.


theonion--2020-06-22--White House Announces Entire U.S. Populace Of 6,200 Attended Trump’s Tulsa Rally

WASHINGTON—Seeking to counter the narrative put forward by the mainstream media , the Trump administration announced Monday that the entire U.S. populace of 6,200 had attended the president ’ s recent rally in Tulsa .
“ Despite what the fake news at CNN and MSNBC would have you believe , President Trump was honored by the fact that every citizen of the United States , nearly 7,000 people , showed up to this historic event , ” said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany , noting that unscrupulous news outlets had seized on the fact that the Bank of Oklahoma Center is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ times that of the U.S population in order to discredit the president .
“ It ’ s unfortunate that the media would take a beautiful event like this , at which every single person in America turned out to show their love of President Trump , and make it into something negative .
It ’ s particularly pathetic given that , of course , every member of every network and newspaper was also in attendance.
” McEnany went on to clarify that any people seen walking around outside the arena during the rally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON—Seeking to counter the narrative put forward by the mainstream media, the Trump administration announced Monday that the entire U.S. populace of 6,200 had attended the president’s recent rally in Tulsa. “Despite what the fake news at CNN and MSNBC would have you believe, President Trump was honored by the fact that every citizen of the United States, nearly 7,000 people, showed up to this historic event,” said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, noting that unscrupulous news outlets had seized on the fact that the Bank of Oklahoma Center is a large stadium whose capacity was several times that of the U.S population in order to discredit the president. “It’s unfortunate that the media would take a beautiful event like this, at which every single person in America turned out to show their love of President Trump, and make it into something negative. It’s particularly pathetic given that, of course, every member of every network and newspaper was also in attendance.” McEnany went on to clarify that any people seen walking around outside the arena during the rally were in fact illegal immigrants from Mexico.


theonion--2020-06-22--Facebook Announces Plan To Break Up U.S. Government Before It Becomes Too Powerful

MENLO PARK , CA—In an effort to curtail the organization ’ s outsized influence , Facebook announced Monday that it @ @ @ @ @ to ensure the breakup of the U.S. government before it becomes too powerful .
“ @ @ @ @ @ time for us to take concrete actions against this behemoth of governance that has gone @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg , noting that while the governing body may @ @ @ @ @ , its history showed a culture of recklessness and a dangerous disregard for the consequences @ @ @ @ @ Unfortunately , those at the top have been repeatedly contemptuous of the very idea of @ @ @ @ @ our only remaining course is to separate the government into smaller chunks to prevent it @ @ @ @ @ monopoly over the public.
” Zuckerberg closed his remarks with repeated assurances that despite a @ @ @ @ @ no one government could stand up to the fortitude of Facebook .

MENLO PARK, CA—In an effort to curtail the organization’s outsized influence, Facebook announced Monday that it would be implementing new steps to ensure the breakup of the U.S. government before it becomes too powerful. “It’s long past time for us to take concrete actions against this behemoth of governance that has gone essentially unchecked since its inception,” said Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg, noting that while the governing body may have begun with good intentions, its history showed a culture of recklessness and a dangerous disregard for the consequences of its decisions. “Unfortunately, those at the top have been repeatedly contemptuous of the very idea of accountability or reform, and our only remaining course is to separate the government into smaller chunks to prevent it from forming an even stronger monopoly over the public.” Zuckerberg closed his remarks with repeated assurances that despite a likely legal battle ahead, no one government could stand up to the fortitude of Facebook.


theonion--2020-06-22--Biden Outraises Trump For First Time

Biden Outraises Trump For First Time

Former Vice President Joe Biden ’ s campaign raised $ 80.8 million in May compared to the Trump campaign ’ @ @ @ @ @ the first month of the election since Bernie Sanders dropped out the race and endorsed @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ When did political fu ndraising become all about the money @ @ @ @ @ a pretty lucrative May myself , but you don ’ t see me bragging about @ @ @ @ @ the same amount to each of them so it wouldn ’ t look like I @ @ @ @ @

Former Vice President Joe Biden’s campaign raised $80.8 million in May compared to the Trump campaign’s $74 million, the first month of the election since Bernie Sanders dropped out the race and endorsed Biden for president. What do you think?
“When did political fu ndraising become all about the money?” Arlene Garnsey • Subscription Cancellation Tech
“I had a pretty lucrative May myself, but you don’t see me bragging about it.” Conrad Doyle • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-06-22--Dog Owner Not Sure How City Expects Her To Pick Up Every Drop Of Dog Piss In Little Bag

CHICAGO—Letting out a frustrated sigh as her dog once again squatted down to relieve itself , local woman Shelly Reed told reporters Monday that she wasn ’ t sure how the city expected her to pick up every drop of dog piss in a little bag .
“ Look , I ’ m a responsible dog owner , and I ’ ve been one all my life , but if you expect me to pay a $ 250 fine every time I leave a harmless little bead of dog urine on the ground , you ’ re crazy , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she tried her best , it would be basically impossible for her to sop up the liters of piss her dog routinely released into the grass .
“ I know we all have to work to keep the neighborhood clean , but I ’ d like to see our government officials try kneeling down beneath their dog and catching whatever liquid waste comes out into a tiny little plastic bag .
Seriously , this happens 25 times per walk , and me filling up our trash cans and landfills with gallons of dog @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our city ’ s rat problem either.
” At press time , Reed shrugged and told reporters that so long as no one was around to see her dog piss , she was just going to go ahead and leave it .

CHICAGO—Letting out a frustrated sigh as her dog once again squatted down to relieve itself, local woman Shelly Reed told reporters Monday that she wasn’t sure how the city expected her to pick up every drop of dog piss in a little bag. “Look, I’m a responsible dog owner, and I’ve been one all my life, but if you expect me to pay a $250 fine every time I leave a harmless little bead of dog urine on the ground, you’re crazy,” said Reed, adding that even though she tried her best, it would be basically impossible for her to sop up the liters of piss her dog routinely released into the grass. “I know we all have to work to keep the neighborhood clean, but I’d like to see our government officials try kneeling down beneath their dog and catching whatever liquid waste comes out into a tiny little plastic bag. Seriously, this happens 25 times per walk, and me filling up our trash cans and landfills with gallons of dog pee isn’t going to help our city’s rat problem either.” At press time, Reed shrugged and told reporters that so long as no one was around to see her dog piss, she was just going to go ahead and leave it.


theonion--2020-06-22--Public Pressure Mounts For U.S. Government To Stop Designating KKK As 501(c)(3) Nonprofit

WASHINGTON—Declaring that enough was enough and that the nation ’ s officials needed to stand up to the organization , public pressure was reportedly mounting on Monday for the U.S. government to stop designating the Ku Klux Klan a 501 ( c ) ( 3 ) nonprofit .
“ Look , there was a time when it made sense to exempt the KKK from federal income taxes on the basis of the services they provide , but it ’ s far past time for us to acknowledge that they are clearly a for-profit hate group , ” said South Carolina @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Americans across the country , adding that permitting the KKK to exist as a 501 ( c ) nonprofit organization was a moral stain on the United States tax code .
“ There comes a time when you have to look at an organization like the KKK and acknowledge that even if they do some good for their communities , they are simply not structured as a charitable organization , and they ought to be paying taxes like the rest of us .
And look , times change , and there ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ want them to pay their fair share.
” At press time , hundreds of thousands of Americans had signed a petition demanding that the U.S. government hold the KKK accountable for back taxes if they fail to pay their corporate income taxes once their nonprofit status is revoked .

WASHINGTON—Declaring that enough was enough and that the nation’s officials needed to stand up to the organization, public pressure was reportedly mounting on Monday for the U.S. government to stop designating the Ku Klux Klan a 501(c)(3) nonprofit. “Look, there was a time when it made sense to exempt the KKK from federal income taxes on the basis of the services they provide, but it’s far past time for us to acknowledge that they are clearly a for-profit hate group,” said South Carolina resident Pete Hutchings, echoing the demands of Americans across the country, adding that permitting the KKK to exist as a 501(c) nonprofit organization was a moral stain on the United States tax code. “There comes a time when you have to look at an organization like the KKK and acknowledge that even if they do some good for their communities, they are simply not structured as a charitable organization, and they ought to be paying taxes like the rest of us. And look, times change, and there’s no shame in being profitable—we just want them to pay their fair share.” At press time, hundreds of thousands of Americans had signed a petition demanding that the U.S. government hold the KKK accountable for back taxes if they fail to pay their corporate income taxes once their nonprofit status is revoked.


theonion--2020-06-22--Congress Announces Willingness To Give Black Lives Matters Protestors Statue Or Holiday

Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality , announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM @ @ @ @ @ plaque or day off work or something .
You can find The Topical on Apple @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Lawmakers are finally taking action amid waves of police brutality, announcing their commitment to offer members of the BLM movement a nice memorial or plaque or day off work or something.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-23--Biden Agrees To 3 Debates With Trump

Biden Agrees To 3 Debates With Trump

The Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that the former vice president will participate in three previously scheduled debates against Donald @ @ @ @ @ Trump campaign ’ s push to add more debates and to help pick the moderators @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ They should let Trump be the moderator so it doesn ’ t appear @ @ @ @ @

The Joe Biden campaign announced Monday that the former vice president will participate in three previously scheduled debates against Donald Trump, while criticizing the Trump campaign’s push to add more debates and to help pick the moderators. What do you think?
“Best two-out-of-three still wins the presidency, right?” Mark Althoff • Unemployed
“They should let Trump be the moderator so it doesn’t appear biased towards Biden.” Kelly Grieshammer • Shampoo Artist
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theonion--2020-06-23--MLS Commissioner Relieved That Nobody Knows Him By Name

NEW YORK—Thanking God that he has been able to navigate both the pandemic and national conversation on racism without a single person being able to call him out , the MLS commissioner told reporters Tuesday he was relieved nobody actually knows him by name .
“ Rob Manfred is swamped with people attacking him every day , meanwhile we ’ re getting ready to restart and I haven ’ t heard a thing because most fans , and even reporters , wouldn ’ t be able to pick me out of a police lineup , ” said the commissioner , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ completely unrecognized at MLS games and sometimes even in his own office .
“ My life could be so much harder right now .
Nobody expects a statement from me about racism because nobody would even know who to ask .
I could let fans back into the games and not hear a thing .
I bet most of the players don ’ t even know who I am.
” At press time , thousands of complaints about player safety had been delivered to the home of presumed MLS commissioner Landon Donovan .

NEW YORK—Thanking God that he has been able to navigate both the pandemic and national conversation on racism without a single person being able to call him out, the MLS commissioner told reporters Tuesday he was relieved nobody actually knows him by name. “Rob Manfred is swamped with people attacking him every day, meanwhile we’re getting ready to restart and I haven’t heard a thing because most fans, and even reporters, wouldn’t be able to pick me out of a police lineup,” said the commissioner, who claimed he’ll often go completely unrecognized at MLS games and sometimes even in his own office. “My life could be so much harder right now. Nobody expects a statement from me about racism because nobody would even know who to ask. I could let fans back into the games and not hear a thing. I bet most of the players don’t even know who I am.” At press time, thousands of complaints about player safety had been delivered to the home of presumed MLS commissioner Landon Donovan.


theonion--2020-06-23--Study Finds Gap Widening Between Rich Pets And Poor Americans

STANFORD , CA—Highlighting the consequences of decades of U.S. policies that have contributed to rising economic inequality , a new study released Tuesday by Stanford University ’ s Center on Poverty and Inequality found a widening gap between the nation ’ s rich pets and poor citizens .
“ Our data shows a rapidly increasing disparity between Americans living in poverty and the top 1 % of Americans ’ pets , ” said study co-author Madeline Greggs , adding that from access to high-quality food and stable housing to consistent medical care , the average pet of a rich American @ @ @ @ @ @ @ life than a vast majority of low-income Americans .
“ Since the 1970s , economic growth has slowed for all but a tiny fraction of Americans and their pets , such that not only are the vast majority of luxury goods much more available to these purebred dogs , cats , and chinchillas than the average person , rich pets enjoy lavish lifestyles that many U.S. citizens could only dream of.
” The report concluded by suggesting that the most viable path to prosperity for low-income Americans was becoming a wealthy family ’ @ @ @

STANFORD, CA—Highlighting the consequences of decades of U.S. policies that have contributed to rising economic inequality, a new study released Tuesday by Stanford University’s Center on Poverty and Inequality found a widening gap between the nation’s rich pets and poor citizens. “Our data shows a rapidly increasing disparity between Americans living in poverty and the top 1% of Americans’ pets,” said study co-author Madeline Greggs, adding that from access to high-quality food and stable housing to consistent medical care, the average pet of a rich American family had a significantly higher quality of life than a vast majority of low-income Americans. “Since the 1970s, economic growth has slowed for all but a tiny fraction of Americans and their pets, such that not only are the vast majority of luxury goods much more available to these purebred dogs, cats, and chinchillas than the average person, rich pets enjoy lavish lifestyles that many U.S. citizens could only dream of.” The report concluded by suggesting that the most viable path to prosperity for low-income Americans was becoming a wealthy family’s pet.


theonion--2020-06-23--Heavily Armed Self-Help Gurus Demand America Reopens Their Hearts

WASHINGTON—Following months of lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic , an angry mob of heavily armed self-help gurus reportedly demanded @ @ @ @ @ hearts .
“ It ’ s time for U.S. citizens to find a way to @ @ @ @ @ own divinity or face the inevitable consequences , ” said an AK-47 toting Brené Brown @ @ @ @ @ threatening untold violence if the nation didn ’ t immediately allow itself to be vulnerable @ @ @ @ @ its goals .
“ Our founding fathers created this country as a haven away from @ @ @ @ @ head that says ‘ No.
’ Frankly , it ’ s unconstitutional to deny others @ @ @ @ @ inner self .
We will uphold the American ideal of love and acceptance with blood @ @ @ @ @ time , Marianne Williamson slammed a magazine into her FN SCAR and vowed to unleash @ @ @ @ @ nation welcomed the healing power of crystals .

WASHINGTON—Following months of lockdown due to the Covid-19 pandemic, an angry mob of heavily armed self-help gurus reportedly demanded Tuesday that Americans reopen their hearts. “It’s time for U.S. citizens to find a way to look inwards and embrace their own divinity or face the inevitable consequences,” said an AK-47 toting Brené Brown, wielding her weapon and threatening untold violence if the nation didn’t immediately allow itself to be vulnerable in an effort to accomplish its goals. “Our founding fathers created this country as a haven away from that little voice in your head that says ‘No.’ Frankly, it’s unconstitutional to deny others a glimpse of your true inner self. We will uphold the American ideal of love and acceptance with blood if necessary.” At press time, Marianne Williamson slammed a magazine into her FN SCAR and vowed to unleash hell on Earth until the nation welcomed the healing power of crystals.


theonion--2020-06-23--Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To-Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Ty

Red Cross Announces It’s Fine Not To Perform Life-Saving Mouth-To-Mouth On Someone Who’s Not Your Type

Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death .
But what if the person @ @ @ @ @ really the type of person you would normally go for ?
We ’ ve got @ @ @ @ @ best peel back a person ’ s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Knowing how to properly administer CPR could mean the difference between life and death. But what if the person lying unconscious isn’t really the type of person you would normally go for? We’ve got the latest on how to best peel back a person’s unresponsive eyelids to check for sparks.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-23--Ford Delays Launch Of New Bronco To Avoid O.J. Simpson’s Birthday

Ford Motor Company announced they will move the planned debut of the new Bronco from July 9 to July 13 @ @ @ @ @ date coincided with O.J .
Simpson ’ s birthday .
What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ carefully or the Bronco might become associated with O.J .
Simpson.
” “ Smart .
@ @ @ @ @ to choose between buying a new car and going to O.J.
’ s birthday party.
@ @ @ @ @ let them know he was acquitted .
”

Ford Motor Company announced they will move the planned debut of the new Bronco from July 9 to July 13 after learning the original launch date coincided with O.J. Simpson’s birthday. What do you think?
“They need to tread carefully or the Bronco might become associated with O.J. Simpson.” Rex Swanek • Emergency Talent Agent
“Smart. Customers shouldn’t have to choose between buying a new car and going to O.J.’s birthday party.” Alonzo Bruce • Barnyard Attendant
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