theonion--2020-01-15--Democrats Attend Last Debate Before Start Of Voting

Featuring the field ’ s first all-white debate stage and the potential for escalating conflict between candidates , viewers tuned @ @ @ @ @ Democratic debate before caucus voting begins in Iowa .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ what Bernie said about how women shouldn ’ t have the right to vote.
” @ @ @ @ @ by Wolf Blitzer ’ s straight-shooting style , but I still need to hear more @ @ @ @ @ If the candidates can ’ t decide amongst themselves who ’ s the best , @ @ @ @ @ what they expect me to do .
”

Featuring the field’s first all-white debate stage and the potential for escalating conflict between candidates, viewers tuned into the seventh and final Democratic debate before caucus voting begins in Iowa. What do you think?
“I didn’t like what Bernie said about how women shouldn’t have the right to vote.” Aria Henderson • Library Planner
“I was most impressed by Wolf Blitzer’s straight-shooting style, but I still need to hear more about his policies.” Shane Olson • Fertilizer Consultant
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theonion--2020-01-15--Scientists Still Unable To Determine Whether Yes A Good Band

CAMBRIDGE , MA—Following a three-decade-long , multimillion-dollar study to evaluate the progressive rock group ’ s music , a team of scientists at Harvard University announced Wednesday that they were no closer to determining if the British band Yes is good or not .
“ While deep sonic analysis reveals technically interesting aspects to the band ’ s discography—1971 ’ s The Yes Album and 1983 ’ s 90125 , in particular—we continue to struggle in our efforts to conclusively demonstrate whether Yes is actually a decent band , ” said head researcher Dr. Jeremy Loach , confirming his team @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that concluded the band ’ s album covers are pretty trippy and the bass guitar groove on “ Roundabout ” fucking rocks , but could establish little else with certainty .
“ Take a song like ‘ Close To The Edge ’ : The organ performance and the vocal harmonies certainly sound as if they ’ ve been recorded by a good band .
But then you realize they ’ re tucked inside an 18-minute , multi-movement song with lyrics about witches , and it ’ s unclear exactly what Yes was even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is good music .
At the same time , the band has been together for more than 50 years now , and if they were bad , surely they would have called it quits long ago .
Right ?
” While research into Yes remains inconclusive , Loach noted that his team long ago uncovered hard scientific evidence definitively proving that Emerson , Lake , and Palmer sucks .

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Following a three-decade-long, multimillion-dollar study to evaluate the progressive rock group’s music, a team of scientists at Harvard University announced Wednesday that they were no closer to determining if the British band Yes is good or not. “While deep sonic analysis reveals technically interesting aspects to the band’s discography—1971’s The Yes Album and 1983’s 90125, in particular—we continue to struggle in our efforts to conclusively demonstrate whether Yes is actually a decent band,” said head researcher Dr. Jeremy Loach, confirming his team successfully replicated the findings of earlier studies that concluded the band’s album covers are pretty trippy and the bass guitar groove on “Roundabout” fucking rocks, but could establish little else with certainty. “Take a song like ‘Close To The Edge’: The organ performance and the vocal harmonies certainly sound as if they’ve been recorded by a good band. But then you realize they’re tucked inside an 18-minute, multi-movement song with lyrics about witches, and it’s unclear exactly what Yes was even going for, let alone whether this is good music. At the same time, the band has been together for more than 50 years now, and if they were bad, surely they would have called it quits long ago. Right?” While research into Yes remains inconclusive, Loach noted that his team long ago uncovered hard scientific evidence definitively proving that Emerson, Lake, and Palmer sucks.


theonion--2020-01-15--Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticis

Biden Asks Advisors How Much Longer He Has To Pretend To Be Confused And Doddering To Avoid Criticism

DES MOINES , IA—Cutting off his chief strategist midway through a daily meeting to express his unwillingness to continue the deception much longer , former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked advisors Wednesday how much longer he has to go through the routine of acting confused and doddering in order to avoid criticism .
“ Please , guys , I ’ m so tired of putting on this whole song-and-dance of stumbling over my words at every public appearance and painfully wincing so it seems like I ’ ve completely forgotten a foreign leader ’ s name , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and every one of his advisors with clear , thoughtful eye contact , while stressing that although his consistent lead in polling showed the strategy had worked spectacularly to shield him from any critique of his record , he also longed to drop this “ entire frail-old-man act ” and speak to audiences in full sentences that allowed him to robustly articulate his vision for restoring America ’ s soul .
“ Just give me a date when I can start fully enunciating my words in TV spots .
That ’ s all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the simple stuff like biting my wife ’ s finger or challenging audience members to push-up contests seemingly out of nowhere .
I know you think that ’ s helpful .
I get that it would sink me in the polls if I were held accountable for past statements and actions , but frankly it ’ s just exhausting to be constantly acting this mentally confused when I know I can be so much stronger out there.
” At press time , Biden was begging his advisors to at least never again make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to give the appearance of his eye filling up with blood .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

DES MOINES, IA—Cutting off his chief strategist midway through a daily meeting to express his unwillingness to continue the deception much longer, former Vice President Joe Biden reportedly asked advisors Wednesday how much longer he has to go through the routine of acting confused and doddering in order to avoid criticism. “Please, guys, I’m so tired of putting on this whole song-and-dance of stumbling over my words at every public appearance and painfully wincing so it seems like I’ve completely forgotten a foreign leader’s name,” said the presumptive frontrunner, looking at each and every one of his advisors with clear, thoughtful eye contact, while stressing that although his consistent lead in polling showed the strategy had worked spectacularly to shield him from any critique of his record, he also longed to drop this “entire frail-old-man act” and speak to audiences in full sentences that allowed him to robustly articulate his vision for restoring America’s soul. “Just give me a date when I can start fully enunciating my words in TV spots. That’s all. Obviously, I can keep doing the simple stuff like biting my wife’s finger or challenging audience members to push-up contests seemingly out of nowhere. I know you think that’s helpful. I get that it would sink me in the polls if I were held accountable for past statements and actions, but frankly it’s just exhausting to be constantly acting this mentally confused when I know I can be so much stronger out there.” At press time, Biden was begging his advisors to at least never again make him punch himself midway through a debate to give the appearance of his eye filling up with blood.


theonion--2020-01-15--Pros And Cons Of Economic Sanctions

Pros And Cons Of Economic Sanctions

Economic sanctions , in which a country levies financial penalties against another country , entity , or person , are @ @ @ @ @ U.S.–Iran relations , and their use in general is a matter of significant debate .
@ @ @ @ @ pros and cons of economic sanctions .
Something to say you tried before starting the @ @ @ @ @ .
Shows populace consequences for insisting on being born powerless in dictatorship .
More difficult @ @ @ @ @ than straight-up war .
Just nice to have something to announce every once in a @ @ @ @ @ without power to retaliate .
Probably involve at least some math .
Damn it .
@ @ @ @ @ one day .
Shit .
Not as satisfying to invade country whose citizens already sick @ @ @ @ @

Economic sanctions, in which a country levies financial penalties against another country, entity, or person, are at the center of tense U.S.–Iran relations, and their use in general is a matter of significant debate. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of economic sanctions.
PRO
Something to say you tried before starting the war you were planning anyway.
Shows populace consequences for insisting on being born powerless in dictatorship.
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More difficult to quantify deaths they cause than straight-up war.
Just nice to have something to announce every once in a while.
Only harms people without power to retaliate.
CON
Innocent money drawn into other parties’ conflict.
Probably involve at least some math.
Damn it. We wanted to travel there one day. Shit.
Denies thousands of citizens sweet taste of Pepsi Max.
Not as satisfying to invade country whose citizens already sick and starving to death.


theonion--2020-01-15--Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To

Morbid Visit Home Begins With Grandfather Only Able To Complete Single Flying Crane Backflip Kick To Ward Off Intruders

HONG KONG—Watching with growing discomfort as the 75-year-old groaned and winced in pain , college student Gordon Cheng expressed concern Wednesday during a visit home upon realizing that his grandfather was able to land only a single flying crane backflip kick while fighting off a group of intruders .
“ It ’ s sad that all these creaks and wheezes are coming from a man I ’ m used to seeing execute a perfect wall run , jab two assailants precisely in the groin , and cleanly decapitate a third with a rising crescent kick , ” said Cheng , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the elder Cheng , a master who once fought off entire clans without breaking a sweat , pause to carefully grip a staircase railing for support before kicking a goon through a wall .
“ It ’ s not just his strength ; he ’ s losing a lot of dexterity , too , as you can see by the way he struggled to grasp that last man ’ s head before snapping his neck .
We ’ re definitely going to need to keep an eye on him—no one wants to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fell off a roof during a midnight showdown somewhere .
Logically , I know that the only reason he brought my twin sister and I back to the Divine Fortress was to eventually take over his legacy , but man , I didn ’ t think it would be so soon.
” Cheng has made the difficult decision to look into at-home nursing services upon discovering that his grandfather was unable to remember where he had stored his emergency stash of plum blossom sticks .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

HONG KONG—Watching with growing discomfort as the 75-year-old groaned and winced in pain, college student Gordon Cheng expressed concern Wednesday during a visit home upon realizing that his grandfather was able to land only a single flying crane backflip kick while fighting off a group of intruders. “It’s sad that all these creaks and wheezes are coming from a man I’m used to seeing execute a perfect wall run, jab two assailants precisely in the groin, and cleanly decapitate a third with a rising crescent kick,” said Cheng, who claimed his heart sank while watching the elder Cheng, a master who once fought off entire clans without breaking a sweat, pause to carefully grip a staircase railing for support before kicking a goon through a wall. “It’s not just his strength; he’s losing a lot of dexterity, too, as you can see by the way he struggled to grasp that last man’s head before snapping his neck. We’re definitely going to need to keep an eye on him—no one wants to get that call telling us he slipped and fell off a roof during a midnight showdown somewhere. Logically, I know that the only reason he brought my twin sister and I back to the Divine Fortress was to eventually take over his legacy, but man, I didn’t think it would be so soon.” Cheng has made the difficult decision to look into at-home nursing services upon discovering that his grandfather was unable to remember where he had stored his emergency stash of plum blossom sticks.


theonion--2020-01-15--Top 10 Things To Do In New York City

Top 10 Things To Do In New York City

If you get the chance , you should visit Carnegie Hall and play a sold-out show for almost 4,000 people @ @ @ @ @ initially be on your itinerary to become an internationally renowned musician , you should definitely @ @ @ @ @ at the world-famous concert venue .

Carnegie Hall
If you get the chance, you should visit Carnegie Hall and play a sold-out show for almost 4,000 people. While it might not initially be on your itinerary to become an internationally renowned musician, you should definitely take the opportunity to perform at the world-famous concert venue.


theonion--2020-01-15--Pete Buttigieg Trapped In Freezer After Searching Iowa Diner For Back Room With High-Rolling Donors

BETTENDORF , IOWA—Shivering and shouting for help as his plan to find his supporters went awry , presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg was reportedly trapped in a walk-in freezer Thursday after searching an Iowa diner for its back room with high-rolling donors .
“ Help !
Help !
Can anyone hear me ?
I don ’ t understand where my donors are if they ’ re not in this cooler , ” said Buttigieg , who had reportedly breezed through the diner , ignoring its clientele , before asking a line cook where the back room with all the wealthy campaign @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the man ’ s confusion , and deciding to find it himself by searching for a hidden passageway as the freezer door locked behind him .
“ I don ’ t understand—it ’ s usually right here .
They have to hide in the back so we can meet in secret outside the prying eyes of the media and all the poor people .
Where is the manager ?
Why on earth would I enter a rinky-dink joint just to hobnob with a bunch of people eating scrambled eggs and getting five bucks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a cushy hidden back room where I can talk to voters who matter over a glass of champagne ?
Jesus Christ , where ’ s [ spokesperson ] Lis [ Smith ] when I need her ?
I don ’ t know what I ’ m going to do .
I already called for help in eight languages , and I ’ m starting to get really cold.
” At press time , Buttigieg had resorted to doing his campaign ’ s “ High Hopes ” dance in an effort to @ @ @

BETTENDORF, IOWA—Shivering and shouting for help as his plan to find his supporters went awry, presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg was reportedly trapped in a walk-in freezer Thursday after searching an Iowa diner for its back room with high-rolling donors. “Help! Help! Can anyone hear me? I don’t understand where my donors are if they’re not in this cooler,” said Buttigieg, who had reportedly breezed through the diner, ignoring its clientele, before asking a line cook where the back room with all the wealthy campaign funders was located, getting frustrated at the man’s confusion, and deciding to find it himself by searching for a hidden passageway as the freezer door locked behind him. “I don’t understand—it’s usually right here. They have to hide in the back so we can meet in secret outside the prying eyes of the media and all the poor people. Where is the manager? Why on earth would I enter a rinky-dink joint just to hobnob with a bunch of people eating scrambled eggs and getting five bucks for my trouble when I know there’s a cushy hidden back room where I can talk to voters who matter over a glass of champagne? Jesus Christ, where’s [spokesperson] Lis [Smith] when I need her? I don’t know what I’m going to do. I already called for help in eight languages, and I’m starting to get really cold.” At press time, Buttigieg had resorted to doing his campaign’s “High Hopes” dance in an effort to stay warm.


theonion--2020-01-16--Man Afraid He’ll Seem Vulnerable If He Reaches Out To Fire Department For Help

WILMER , TX—Fretting over what such a display of weakness would do to his reputation , local man Neil Rockfield told sources Thursday he was afraid of seeming vulnerable if he reached out to the fire department for help with an out-of-control blaze .
“ I always learned growing up that a real man puts out his own house fire , and I ’ ll just feel so lame letting them know I can ’ t deal with this , ” said Rockfield , adding that just the idea of putting himself out there and admitting he couldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ room and kitchen made him feel sick to his stomach .
“ The awkwardness of talking to a complete stranger on the phone and saying , ‘ Hey , can you help me ?
’ is too much .
They ’ ll probably want to know how bad it is , too .
I don ’ t know if I can humiliate myself by asking another grown adult to drive a fire truck over here .
My dad would have never done something like this.
” At press time , Rockfield decided to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ felt about the situation in the morning .

WILMER, TX—Fretting over what such a display of weakness would do to his reputation, local man Neil Rockfield told sources Thursday he was afraid of seeming vulnerable if he reached out to the fire department for help with an out-of-control blaze. “I always learned growing up that a real man puts out his own house fire, and I’ll just feel so lame letting them know I can’t deal with this,” said Rockfield, adding that just the idea of putting himself out there and admitting he couldn’t handle a raging fire in his living room and kitchen made him feel sick to his stomach. “The awkwardness of talking to a complete stranger on the phone and saying, ‘Hey, can you help me?’ is too much. They’ll probably want to know how bad it is, too. I don’t know if I can humiliate myself by asking another grown adult to drive a fire truck over here. My dad would have never done something like this.” At press time, Rockfield decided to go to bed and see how he felt about the situation in the morning.


theonion--2020-01-17--Tampax Unveils New Find My Tampon App For When One Really Gets Lodged Up There

CINCINNATI—Calling it the “ fastest and most effective way ” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product , the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon , which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there .
“ In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency situation requiring her to activate the app , our state-of-the-art technology will pinpoint the tampon ’ s location within 0.01 millimeters , even when it ’ s a full string-length past the point of no return @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , adding that Find My Tampon is extremely easy to use , and even has a built-in map feature that displays the real-time location and speed of your tampon as it advances up and out of reach within the vaginal canal .
“ If you find yourself fishing around up there with no luck , just open the app , press the ‘ locate ’ button , and wait for the tampon ’ s built-in GPS to sync with your phone .
When you hear a beeping noise , or see a small @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your pelvic region , you ’ ll know you ’ ve found it.
” The app also reportedly includes a self-destruct feature that immediately detonates any tampon deemed to have migrated beyond any reasonable hope of retrieval .

CINCINNATI—Calling it the “fastest and most effective way” to find a lost or misplaced sanitary product, the makers of Tampax announced Friday the release of a new app called Find My Tampon, which is intended for use when one gets lodged way the hell up in there. “In the event a Tampax user is faced with an emergency situation requiring her to activate the app, our state-of-the-art technology will pinpoint the tampon’s location within 0.01 millimeters, even when it’s a full string-length past the point of no return,” said company spokesperson Janine Loughty, adding that Find My Tampon is extremely easy to use, and even has a built-in map feature that displays the real-time location and speed of your tampon as it advances up and out of reach within the vaginal canal. “If you find yourself fishing around up there with no luck, just open the app, press the ‘locate’ button, and wait for the tampon’s built-in GPS to sync with your phone. When you hear a beeping noise, or see a small red light flashing beneath the skin of your pelvic region, you’ll know you’ve found it.” The app also reportedly includes a self-destruct feature that immediately detonates any tampon deemed to have migrated beyond any reasonable hope of retrieval.


theonion--2020-01-16--CNN Reveals Bernie Sanders Running For President Of Country With History Of Sexism

WASHINGTON—Calling their bombshell report incredibly damning , CNN revealed Thursday that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has been knowingly running a campaign to become president of a country with a long history of sexism .
“ This new evidence proves beyond a doubt that Bernie Sanders strongly wants to lead a nation that has repeatedly enabled , supported , and encouraged misogyny , ” said Anderson Cooper in a breaking news segment , claiming to have several documents directly linking Sanders to a country that did not even allow women to vote until the 20th century .
“ Right here is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ country was founded upon , a country which he willfully lives in and has publicly sworn an oath to , mind you .
On just the first page it explicitly declares that all men are created equal , with absolutely no mention of women .
And down here—look closely at these signatures that ratified this document as the supreme law of the land .
You guessed it , all men.
” At press time , CNN confirmed that Sanders had not yet denied his close ties to this country nor its tens of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ against women .

WASHINGTON—Calling their bombshell report incredibly damning, CNN revealed Thursday that Democratic candidate Bernie Sanders has been knowingly running a campaign to become president of a country with a long history of sexism. “This new evidence proves beyond a doubt that Bernie Sanders strongly wants to lead a nation that has repeatedly enabled, supported, and encouraged misogyny,” said Anderson Cooper in a breaking news segment, claiming to have several documents directly linking Sanders to a country that did not even allow women to vote until the 20th century. “Right here is a transcript of the text this woman-hating country was founded upon, a country which he willfully lives in and has publicly sworn an oath to, mind you. On just the first page it explicitly declares that all men are created equal, with absolutely no mention of women. And down here—look closely at these signatures that ratified this document as the supreme law of the land. You guessed it, all men.” At press time, CNN confirmed that Sanders had not yet denied his close ties to this country nor its tens of millions of residents with deeply ingrained biases against women.


theonion--2020-01-16--Stephen Miller Hurt At Being Passed Over For Job Stalking Female Ambassador

WASHINGTON—After learning that Ukraine police had opened an investigation into whether associates of the president had surveilled the diplomat in Kyiv last year , White House senior advisor Stephen Miller was reportedly upset Thursday at being passed over for a job stalking female U.S. ambassador Marie Yovanovitch .
“ When I found out that some of Giuliani ’ s goons had been tailing the ambassador around Ukraine , my heart just sank—I mean , how could they decide to follow a lady around and not pick me to do the job ?
” said Miller , who added that after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the Trump administration over three-plus years in office , he figured he would be at the top of the list when a plum gig like stalking a woman on the administration ’ s behalf came along .
“ If I had known there was an opening for shadowing an important lady , I would ’ ve absolutely thrown my hat in the ring .
Maybe I got passed over because I ’ m already stalking a bunch of women here in the U.S. , but I still would ’ ve been able @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work .
It really hurts that they didn ’ t even bother to ask .
It would be one thing if I didn ’ t have any experience in tracking women without them knowing , but I ’ m really good at it .
I can keep quiet in an alleyway , or stay awake idling in the car , or huddle in a closet without a peep for hours .
And I ’ m really good at gathering hair and undergarments .
I just wish they ’ d given me a chance.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ decided to cheer himself up by lying below the former ambassador ’ s bed wearing her clothing while she was asleep .

WASHINGTON—After learning that Ukraine police had opened an investigation into whether associates of the president had surveilled the diplomat in Kyiv last year, White House senior advisor Stephen Miller was reportedly upset Thursday at being passed over for a job stalking female U.S. ambassador Marie Yovanovitch. “When I found out that some of Giuliani’s goons had been tailing the ambassador around Ukraine, my heart just sank—I mean, how could they decide to follow a lady around and not pick me to do the job?” said Miller, who added that after all the thankless tasks he had performed for the Trump administration over three-plus years in office, he figured he would be at the top of the list when a plum gig like stalking a woman on the administration’s behalf came along. “If I had known there was an opening for shadowing an important lady, I would’ve absolutely thrown my hat in the ring. Maybe I got passed over because I’m already stalking a bunch of women here in the U.S., but I still would’ve been able to manage my time and make it work. It really hurts that they didn’t even bother to ask. It would be one thing if I didn’t have any experience in tracking women without them knowing, but I’m really good at it. I can keep quiet in an alleyway, or stay awake idling in the car, or huddle in a closet without a peep for hours. And I’m really good at gathering hair and undergarments. I just wish they’d given me a chance.” At press time, Miller had decided to cheer himself up by lying below the former ambassador’s bed wearing her clothing while she was asleep.


theonion--2020-01-16--2019 Second-Hottest Year On Record

2019 Second-Hottest Year On Record

Climate data collected by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and NASA found that last year was the second-hottest year @ @ @ @ @ worrying trend that has resulted in the planet warming 1.8 degrees Fahrenheit ( or almost @ @ @ @ @ the past 50 years .
What do you think ?
“ Doesn ’ t NASA @ @ @ @ @ be worrying about ?
” “ If we keep calling every year the hottest , @ @ @ @ @ cheapen the whole meaning of the word.
” “ For those of us curious about @ @ @ @ @ the polar cap , this is pretty good news .
”

Climate data collected by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and NASA found that last year was the second-hottest year on record, continuing a worrying trend that has resulted in the planet warming 1.8 degrees Fahrenheit (or almost 1 degree Celsius) in the past 50 years. What do you think?
“Doesn’t NASA have other planets they should be worrying about?” Jacques Harding • Parade Coordinator
“If we keep calling every year the hottest, it’s going to cheapen the whole meaning of the word.” Fraser Reid • Hamster Breeder
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theonion--2020-01-16--CNN Audio Analysis Reveals Biden Caught On Wet Mic While Chewing On Own Microphone

DES MOINES , IA—Emphasizing that the leaked recording would clear up any confusion about the various crunching , slurping , and gurgling sounds heard after the Iowa Democratic Debate , CNN released a wet mic audio analysis Thursday that revealed Joe Biden had been caught chewing on his own microphone .
“ While at first , the recording only picks up Biden shaking hands and joking with his fellow candidates , we eventually hear him tapping on the mic and whispering , ‘ Oh , what is this ?
Come to papa , ’ ” said CNN audio engineer Kristen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ president can then be heard sniffing the lavalier , licking it once , and then sticking it directly into his mouth .
“ After hours of analysis , our team has determined that Biden then attempted to chew the mic before saying ‘ ew ’ and spitting it out onto the ground .
Then , a few minutes later , he decided to pick it back up , pop it back into his mouth , chew it , and ultimately , swallow it.
” At press time , CNN confirmed that the microphone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ample evidence that Biden had successfully passed the mic two days later .

DES MOINES, IA—Emphasizing that the leaked recording would clear up any confusion about the various crunching, slurping, and gurgling sounds heard after the Iowa Democratic Debate, CNN released a wet mic audio analysis Thursday that revealed Joe Biden had been caught chewing on his own microphone. “While at first, the recording only picks up Biden shaking hands and joking with his fellow candidates, we eventually hear him tapping on the mic and whispering, ‘Oh, what is this? Come to papa,’” said CNN audio engineer Kristen Jennings, adding that the former vice president can then be heard sniffing the lavalier, licking it once, and then sticking it directly into his mouth. “After hours of analysis, our team has determined that Biden then attempted to chew the mic before saying ‘ew’ and spitting it out onto the ground. Then, a few minutes later, he decided to pick it back up, pop it back into his mouth, chew it, and ultimately, swallow it.” At press time, CNN confirmed that the microphone’s audio had also picked up ample evidence that Biden had successfully passed the mic two days later.


theonion--2020-01-16--Study Estimates Half Of U.S. Adults Will Be Obese By 2030

Nearly half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030 and one-fourth will be severely so , according to a @ @ @ @ @ Foundation based on a decades-long federal study .
What do you think ?
“ I @ @ @ @ @ distributed and not all on one coast , otherwise we might tip .
”

Nearly half of U.S. adults will be obese by 2030 and one-fourth will be severely so, according to a new study by the JPF Foundation based on a decades-long federal study. What do you think?
“Even though we’ve been throwing out poor kids’ school lunches?” Thomas Bishop • Aquarium Washer
“I hope it’s evenly distributed and not all on one coast, otherwise we might tip.” Rhea Wright • Tractor Curator
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theonion--2020-01-16--Human Trafficker Not Getting Any Traction On This One

ST. PETERSBURG , RUSSIA—Explaining that he ’ s been advertising the girl for months now without getting so much as a nibble from prospective buyers , local human trafficker Cheslav Prokopyev told reporters Thursday that he just hasn ’ t been able to get any traction on this one .
“ Man , I ’ m really starting to worry Natalia was a lousy investment , ” Prokopyev said of the 13-year-old girl he kidnapped with plans to sell into sexual slavery , expressing disappointment that he had done all the work of transporting her across international borders , cleaning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her in his secret warehouse only for her to sit there unsold for months .
“ I ’ ve managed to sell all the girls I acquired during my trip to Moldova last year except her .
It sucks , because I ’ m hemorrhaging money on upkeep and , at this point , I ’ m not even sure I can recoup my costs .
I ’ ve tried hitting up my connections in Abu Dhabi and Bangladesh and offering her at a huge discount , but no one , not even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ interest.
” Prokopyev added that he was considering reaching out to his friends in the organ-harvesting industry to see if she could at least be scrapped for parts .

ST. PETERSBURG, RUSSIA—Explaining that he’s been advertising the girl for months now without getting so much as a nibble from prospective buyers, local human trafficker Cheslav Prokopyev told reporters Thursday that he just hasn’t been able to get any traction on this one. “Man, I’m really starting to worry Natalia was a lousy investment,” Prokopyev said of the 13-year-old girl he kidnapped with plans to sell into sexual slavery, expressing disappointment that he had done all the work of transporting her across international borders, cleaning and fixing her up, and harboring her in his secret warehouse only for her to sit there unsold for months. “I’ve managed to sell all the girls I acquired during my trip to Moldova last year except her. It sucks, because I’m hemorrhaging money on upkeep and, at this point, I’m not even sure I can recoup my costs. I’ve tried hitting up my connections in Abu Dhabi and Bangladesh and offering her at a huge discount, but no one, not even the sweatshop people, has expressed any interest.” Prokopyev added that he was considering reaching out to his friends in the organ-harvesting industry to see if she could at least be scrapped for parts.


theonion--2020-01-17--Grindr, Tinder Sharing User Data With Third Party

Grindr , OkCupid , and Tinder are among several dating apps accused of sending user data such as ethnicity , @ @ @ @ @ age to digital ad companies , nonprofit Norwegian Consumer Council found in a report released @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ I can ’ t see this affecting me personally .
All @ @ @ @ @ anonymous sex and to refresh myself afterwards with an incredible sparkling PepsiCo beverage.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ prefer to hook up off-the-grid at a good old-fashioned brothel.
” “ Eh , I @ @ @ @ @ age , height , gender , and ethnicity on there anyway .
”

Grindr, OkCupid, and Tinder are among several dating apps accused of sending user data such as ethnicity, location, gender, and age to digital ad companies, nonprofit Norwegian Consumer Council found in a report released on Tuesday. What do you think?
“I can’t see this affecting me personally. All I want is to have anonymous sex and to refresh myself afterwards with an incredible sparkling PepsiCo beverage.” Harriet Cano • Unemployed
“This is exactly why I prefer to hook up off-the-grid at a good old-fashioned brothel.” Stephen Plant • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-01-17--Man Assumed Being Heartless, Egotistical Maniac Would Have Made Him Richer By Now

SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off , local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless , egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now .
“ I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and family would have got me to the top by now , but here I am , still stuck in the same dead-end job as a decade ago , ” said Peterson , who explained he just found it odd how someone could unsuccessfully accumulate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ textbook sociopath under any given circumstance in their personal and professional lives .
“ I ’ ve been laser-focused on getting ahead at all costs since the start of my career , so why am I still driving a 2004 Mazda ?
I ’ m definitely just as much of a power-hungry lunatic as Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg .
I ’ ve treated every one of my relationships like a networking connection and backstabbed coworkers at every chance I could get .
I don ’ t know what else the universe needs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wealth I deserve.
” At press time , Peterson decided the next best course of action was to just kill people and take their money .

SAN FRANCISCO—Voicing frustration with a strategy that had inexplicably failed to pay off, local man Cole Peterson admitted to reporters Friday that he assumed being a heartless, egotistical maniac would have made him richer by now. “I really thought being a cutthroat asshole at work and selling out all my friends and family would have got me to the top by now, but here I am, still stuck in the same dead-end job as a decade ago,” said Peterson, who explained he just found it odd how someone could unsuccessfully accumulate any substantial wealth despite operating like a textbook sociopath under any given circumstance in their personal and professional lives. “I’ve been laser-focused on getting ahead at all costs since the start of my career, so why am I still driving a 2004 Mazda? I’m definitely just as much of a power-hungry lunatic as Jeff Bezos and Mark Zuckerberg. I’ve treated every one of my relationships like a networking connection and backstabbed coworkers at every chance I could get. I don’t know what else the universe needs me to do to give me the wealth I deserve.” At press time, Peterson decided the next best course of action was to just kill people and take their money.


theonion--2020-01-17--Senators Sworn In As Impeachment Trial Begins

Chief Justice John Roberts swore in all one hundred senators for President Trump ’ s impeachment trial Thursday , requiring @ @ @ @ @ “ impartial justice ” in the third such proceedings in American history .
What do @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a rare moment when all 100 senators , regardless of party loyalties , @ @ @ @ @ agree to the same oath.
” “ And so begins the greatest chapter or footnote @ @ @ @ @ history .
”

Chief Justice John Roberts swore in all one hundred senators for President Trump’s impeachment trial Thursday, requiring them to swear to do “impartial justice” in the third such proceedings in American history. What do you think?
“Impartial? That’s kind of tipping the scales, don’t you think?” Nate Dickson • Fowl Exporter
“It’s a rare moment when all 100 senators, regardless of party loyalties, can put aside partisanship and agree to the same oath.” Harold Mill • Truck Fueler
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theonion--2020-01-17--Republican Senators Maintain They’ll Weigh All Evidence Before Carrying Trump Out On Shoulders

WASHINGTON—Stressing that their duty to uphold the Constitution required impartiality in their role as jurors , Republican senators told reporters Friday that they would weigh all evidence before lifting President Donald Trump into the air and carrying him outside on their shoulders .
“ Look , as senators , we swore a solemn oath to deliver justice , and I intend to abide by that precisely as we use this trial to scrutinize the facts and then determine exactly how—and indeed , if—we will storm into the Oval Office , hoist the delighted president aloft , and regale him with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , hurray , ’ ” said Sen. Mitch McConnell , noting that his awesome responsibility as the chamber ’ s majority leader required him to tamp down on any partisan speculation on whether Senate Republicans would rush to raise the president up onto their shoulders while singing “ He ’ s A Jolly Good Fellow ” or if Senate Republicans would opt for a more stately procession in which they conveyed the recently acquitted Trump past each and every Democratic congressperson ’ s office .
“ Unlike some of my liberal colleagues , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trial is to examine all the information at hand before passing judgment .
Then , and only then , can we know whether it ’ s a reasonable course of action to deploy some form of red-white-and-blue confetti while repeatedly tossing President Trump into the air .
Until then , it would simply be irresponsible to comment on whether or not we will incorporate party horns , noisemakers , or a big cake covered with lit sparklers into the proceedings.
” At press time , Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin had commended McConnell on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to a swift conclusion on whether or not they should cue up Kool and the Gang ’ s “ Celebration ” on the Senate ’ s speaker system .

WASHINGTON—Stressing that their duty to uphold the Constitution required impartiality in their role as jurors, Republican senators told reporters Friday that they would weigh all evidence before lifting President Donald Trump into the air and carrying him outside on their shoulders. “Look, as senators, we swore a solemn oath to deliver justice, and I intend to abide by that precisely as we use this trial to scrutinize the facts and then determine exactly how—and indeed, if—we will storm into the Oval Office, hoist the delighted president aloft, and regale him with spirited rounds of ‘Hip, hip, hurray,’” said Sen. Mitch McConnell, noting that his awesome responsibility as the chamber’s majority leader required him to tamp down on any partisan speculation on whether Senate Republicans would rush to raise the president up onto their shoulders while singing “He’s A Jolly Good Fellow” or if Senate Republicans would opt for a more stately procession in which they conveyed the recently acquitted Trump past each and every Democratic congressperson’s office. “Unlike some of my liberal colleagues, I understand my solemn role in this trial is to examine all the information at hand before passing judgment. Then, and only then, can we know whether it’s a reasonable course of action to deploy some form of red-white-and-blue confetti while repeatedly tossing President Trump into the air. Until then, it would simply be irresponsible to comment on whether or not we will incorporate party horns, noisemakers, or a big cake covered with lit sparklers into the proceedings.” At press time, Democratic Sen. Joe Manchin had commended McConnell on his commitment to impartiality as they came to a swift conclusion on whether or not they should cue up Kool and the Gang’s “Celebration” on the Senate’s speaker system.


theonion--2020-01-17--Impressive ‘Super Smash Brothers’ Purist Only Plays Original SNES Or NES Game Each Character From

Super Smash Bros. is one of the most beloved series in video game history , and while the latest iteration for Switch has gotten great reviews , there are some fans who think it will never live up to the classic .
Enter Charlie Alexanian , a really impressive Smash purist who only plays the original SNES or NES game each character is from .
“ I know Super Smash Bros .
Ultimate has got a lot of bells and whistles , but to me , it ’ s just not really Smash unless I ’ m playing Ness on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Alexanian told OGN , clutching the original six-button gamepad while explaining that though he appreciates the enhanced graphics of the Switch game , the modern takes on characters like Captain Falcon would never “ feel just right ” for him in the same way as they do in 1990 ’ s F-Zero .
Still , Alexanian did stress that his preference had caused difficulties in the Smash tournament circuit , noting that most competitions refused to let him compete with a classic version of Marth by bringing in his Nintendo Entertainment System @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : Shadow Dragon And The Blade Of Light in the corner .
In fact , he says he ’ s been expelled from numerous competitions just for the distracting amount of clattering he made while setting the console up .
Still , this Super Smash master isn ’ t willing to back down on his stance that you can ’ t beat the originals !
“ Take Samus for example .
In newer iterations , there are so many flashy , complicated movesets that it takes away from the simple fact that Smash @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , sprite-based Space Pirate base and defeating Mother Brain , ” he said .
“ And don ’ t even get me started on Peach .
She has this new sweep kick that doesn ’ t make any sense .
Her only moves should be sitting in a tower and waiting to be rescued .
If you ask me , Nintendo ’ s lost its way since the ’ 90s.
” Wow !
No matter how big a fan of the new Smash games you are , you ’ ve got ta admire @ @ @ @ @ @ @ classics !
Keep on chugging , you beautiful bastard !

The Onion on Onion Gamers Network, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Super Smash Bros. is one of the most beloved series in video game history, and while the latest iteration for Switch has gotten great reviews, there are some fans who think it will never live up to the classic. Enter Charlie Alexanian, a really impressive Smash purist who only plays the original SNES or NES game each character is from.
“I know Super Smash Bros. Ultimate has got a lot of bells and whistles, but to me, it’s just not really Smash unless I’m playing Ness on an original 1995 copy of EarthBound,” Alexanian told OGN, clutching the original six-button gamepad while explaining that though he appreciates the enhanced graphics of the Switch game, the modern takes on characters like Captain Falcon would never “feel just right” for him in the same way as they do in 1990’s F-Zero.
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Still, Alexanian did stress that his preference had caused difficulties in the Smash tournament circuit, noting that most competitions refused to let him compete with a classic version of Marth by bringing in his Nintendo Entertainment System and booting up the 8-bit Fire Emblem: Shadow Dragon And The Blade Of Light in the corner. In fact, he says he’s been expelled from numerous competitions just for the distracting amount of clattering he made while setting the console up.
Still, this Super Smash master isn’t willing to back down on his stance that you can’t beat the originals!
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“Take Samus for example. In newer iterations, there are so many flashy, complicated movesets that it takes away from the simple fact that Smash has always been about exploring a colorful, sprite-based Space Pirate base and defeating Mother Brain,” he said. “And don’t even get me started on Peach. She has this new sweep kick that doesn’t make any sense. Her only moves should be sitting in a tower and waiting to be rescued. If you ask me, Nintendo’s lost its way since the ’90s.”
Wow! No matter how big a fan of the new Smash games you are, you’ve gotta admire Alexandian’s hardcore commitment to the classics! Keep on chugging, you beautiful bastard!


theonion--2020-01-17--History Of The U.S. Census

History Of The U.S. Census

The U.S. Census , which is conducted every 10 years , will be conducted in 2020 , and the process of documenting American citizens is not without its share of historical issues and controversies .
The Onion takes a look at important moments in the history of the U.S. census .
First census taken by show of hands .
With the census falling on a day many Americans were vacationing out of the country , U.S. population recorded as 95 .
American Indians first enumerated in census after centuries-long effort to get population down to manageable number .
Federal marshals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ professional enumerators who knew thousands of additional numbers .
Census Bureau begins asking questions about unemployment , prompting officials to receive record number of business ideas that just need little investment boost to really take off .
After heavy pressure from constituent groups , Census officially stops counting individuals over 6 ’ 4 ” as two people .
First census to ask respondents their biggest turn-ons and turn-offs .
Bilingual questionnaires introduced in effort to increase rate of return by Hispanic and overachieving households .
According to census data , white births no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ genocide perpetuated by Barack Obama and George Soros .

The U.S. Census, which is conducted every 10 years, will be conducted in 2020, and the process of documenting American citizens is not without its share of historical issues and controversies. The Onion takes a look at important moments in the history of the U.S. census.
First census taken by show of hands.
With the census falling on a day many Americans were vacationing out of the country, U.S. population recorded as 95.
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American Indians first enumerated in census after centuries-long effort to get population down to manageable number.
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Federal marshals who previously collected census data replaced by professional enumerators who knew thousands of additional numbers.
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Census Bureau begins asking questions about unemployment, prompting officials to receive record number of business ideas that just need little investment boost to really take off.
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Second gender option added.
After heavy pressure from constituent groups, Census officially stops counting individuals over 6’4” as two people.
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First census to ask respondents their biggest turn-ons and turn-offs.
Bilingual questionnaires introduced in effort to increase rate of return by Hispanic and overachieving households.
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According to census data, white births no longer majority in U.S. due to shadow genocide perpetuated by Barack Obama and George Soros.


theonion--2020-01-17--NCAA Determines Becoming A Bengal Punishment Enough For Joe Burrow Taking Cash From Odell Beckham

INDIANAPOLIS—Laying down a harsh ruling that is sure to resonate in future cases , the NCAA determined Friday that Joe Burrow joining the Cincinnati Bengals will be more than enough punishment for his infraction of accepting a cash payment from Odell Beckham Jr. “ We want to do everything we can to discourage college players from trying to monetize their position , and we have determined that whatever punishment we could come up with will pale in comparison to being drafted by the Bengals , ” said N.C.A.A .
president Mark Emmert , who warned that the LSU quarterback ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for punishing player corruption .
“ Let this be a warning to all the young men and women out there who might consider accepting a bribe .
Burrow will have to spend the next four years playing for the Bengals , living in the city of Cincinnati , and carry the burden of being a hopeless franchise ’ s designated savior .
Our only concern is that this punishment may be too harsh , but we are considering a scaled system where even worse infractions would entail being drafted by the Browns or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ N.C.A.A .
had implemented a new disciple system for coaches who commit recruitment violations to be punished by up to three years as head coach of the Cowboys .

The Onion on Sports, shared by The Onion to The Onion

INDIANAPOLIS—Laying down a harsh ruling that is sure to resonate in future cases, the NCAA determined Friday that Joe Burrow joining the Cincinnati Bengals will be more than enough punishment for his infraction of accepting a cash payment from Odell Beckham Jr. “We want to do everything we can to discourage college players from trying to monetize their position, and we have determined that whatever punishment we could come up with will pale in comparison to being drafted by the Bengals,” said N.C.A.A. president Mark Emmert, who warned that the LSU quarterback’s fate might become the new standard for punishing player corruption. “Let this be a warning to all the young men and women out there who might consider accepting a bribe. Burrow will have to spend the next four years playing for the Bengals, living in the city of Cincinnati, and carry the burden of being a hopeless franchise’s designated savior. Our only concern is that this punishment may be too harsh, but we are considering a scaled system where even worse infractions would entail being drafted by the Browns or Jets.” At press time, the N.C.A.A. had implemented a new disciple system for coaches who commit recruitment violations to be punished by up to three years as head coach of the Cowboys.


theonion--2020-01-19--Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Space

Conor McGregor Credits Excellent Pre-Fight Shape To Routine Of Hurling Heavy Objects In Public Spaces

LAS VEGAS—Explaining how constantly throwing bar stools strengthens several different muscle groups , mixed martial artist Conor McGregor credited his excellent pre-fight shape Saturday to a rigorous workout routine of hurling heavy objects in public spaces .
“ I ’ ve never been one for the gym—I need to be out there overturning tables and tossing them across the bar , ” said the former welterweight champion , revealing that he trained for his main event bout against Donald “ Cowboy ” Cerrone by adhering to a strict regimen of ripping parking meters out of the ground and using them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like to stay loose by getting into a scrum at the pub every week .
Throwing hundreds of beer bottles is just good cardio .
When I ’ m ready for strength training , I ’ ll knock over some mailboxes and chuck them into the park .
Lifting cinder blocks above my head to smash in the windshield of my girlfriend ’ s car is great , too.
” At press time , McGregor hurled a scale into an audience of reporters and broke one bystander ’ s jaw after weighing in @ @ @ @ @ @ @

LAS VEGAS—Explaining how constantly throwing bar stools strengthens several different muscle groups, mixed martial artist Conor McGregor credited his excellent pre-fight shape Saturday to a rigorous workout routine of hurling heavy objects in public spaces. “I’ve never been one for the gym—I need to be out there overturning tables and tossing them across the bar,” said the former welterweight champion, revealing that he trained for his main event bout against Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone by adhering to a strict regimen of ripping parking meters out of the ground and using them to pelt fleeing taxis. “I like to stay loose by getting into a scrum at the pub every week. Throwing hundreds of beer bottles is just good cardio. When I’m ready for strength training, I’ll knock over some mailboxes and chuck them into the park. Lifting cinder blocks above my head to smash in the windshield of my girlfriend’s car is great, too.” At press time, McGregor hurled a scale into an audience of reporters and broke one bystander’s jaw after weighing in two pounds over his ideal weight.


theonion--2020-01-20--Top 6 Happiest Countries In The World

Top 6 Happiest Countries In The World

Education : Top Finnish-language program in world Source Of Tranquility : Near total ethnic homogeneity National Anthem : Repeatedly chanting “ Finland ” in increasing volume until things sort of die out Most Popular Dish : Pickled ice Life Expectancy : 80.63 years , but in Finland Last Violent Crime : Cudgel War of 1596 Prison System : Series of high-security saunas Population : 750,000 people who are one with all National Anthem : 3 minutes of children laughing Education : 97 % of residents know the sound of one hand clapping Economy : Mostly service industry jobs of either @ @ @ @ @ @ @ corpses down mountains Demographics : 65 % National Geographic freelance photographers , 35 % ethnic Bhutanese Geography : Once beautiful , diverse landscape destroyed by monastery construction boom over past few centuries Main Source Of Happiness : Watching Western backpackers think they ’ re having spiritual epiphanies Form Of Government : Brutally oppressive regime that prevents Quebec from seceding Official Languages : French , weird-sounding English Percentage Of Population Comprised Of American Men Shirking Call Of Duty : 9 Most Common Profession : Well-enough-regarded actor Main Exports : None .
Not really into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Branded Onto Every Newborn Child : Yes Paul Anka Index ( PAI ) : 100 GDP : 72 % tennis-based earnings from Grand Slam singles titles Largest Employers : International art theft rings , international jewel theft rings Currency : Lots Number Of Colossal Statues Of Lindt Chocolate Founder David Sprüngli-Schwarz Carved Right Into Mountainsides : 53 Artisanal Handcrafted Goods : Out the ass Life Expectancy Of Former SS Officers Residing In Idyllic Alpine Chalets : 92 Length Of Average Sunset : 24 Hours Standard Of Living : All-inclusive National Blood Alcohol Content @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , 48 % sun-kissed Hours Per Day Spent Laughing While Throwing Fishing Nets Into Shallows : 7 Crushing Poverty Of Island Natives : Easily overlooked Main Export : U.S. companies National Cuisine : Seconds Percentage Of Happiness SSRI-Induced : 72 Resting On Laurels Since : 1957 Infrastructure : Works fine after good whack with wrench Greatest Moment Of Happiness Average Resident Will Ever Experience : Going to batting cage at the Family Sports Center Infant Mortality : So , here ’ s the thing with that…

Population: 750,000 people who are one with all
National Anthem: 3 minutes of children laughing
Education: 97% of residents know the sound of one hand clapping
Economy: Mostly service industry jobs of either taking people up mountains or carrying their corpses down mountains
Demographics: 65% National Geographic freelance photographers, 35% ethnic Bhutanese
Geography: Once beautiful, diverse landscape destroyed by monastery construction boom over past few centuries
Main Source Of Happiness: Watching Western backpackers think they’re having spiritual epiphanies


theonion--2020-01-20--‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under

‘They Can’t Impeach Someone They Can’t See,’ Say Trump Boys Cramming Dad Into Homemade Bunker Under Oval Office Desk

WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “ super top secret ” shelter ’ s entrance with a couch cushion , the Trump boys reportedly declared “ They can ’ t impeach someone they can ’ t see ” Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office desk .
“ The House peach managers [ sic ] are never , ever gon na be able to find dad way deep in here !
” said Donald Trump Jr. , who stapled a note with the message “ definitely no president inside ” to blankets as an extra security precaution @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the pillows with a pair of scissors .
“ Stay right there , dad , and don ’ t move till 2050 .
We read through the whole constant tuition [ sic ] and it says those guys can ’ t impeach you if they can ’ t find you .
Here are two pieces of bread for dinners , and a straw you can use as a snorkel .
Close your eyes real tight and you ’ ll be totally invisible .
Okay , see you later .
We ’ re gon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , the Trump boys were panicking after realizing they ’ d lost their father .

WASHINGTON—Hastily concealing the “super top secret” shelter’s entrance with a couch cushion, the Trump boys reportedly declared “They can’t impeach someone they can’t see” Friday while cramming their dad into a homemade bunker under the Oval Office desk. “The House peach managers [sic] are never, ever gonna be able to find dad way deep in here!” said Donald Trump Jr., who stapled a note with the message “definitely no president inside” to blankets as an extra security precaution while Eric Trump punched air holes through the pillows with a pair of scissors. “Stay right there, dad, and don’t move till 2050. We read through the whole constant tuition [sic] and it says those guys can’t impeach you if they can’t find you. Here are two pieces of bread for dinners, and a straw you can use as a snorkel. Close your eyes real tight and you’ll be totally invisible. Okay, see you later. We’re gonna glue the bunker door shut.” At press time, the Trump boys were panicking after realizing they’d lost their father.


theonion--2020-01-20--TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Pre

TV Character Knows All This Hardship She’s Experiencing Now Will One Day Be Nothing More Than A ‘Previously On’ Clip

HARTFORD , CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective , television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that amidst all her present hardships , she still knew everything she was going through would one day be nothing more than a small part of a “ previously on ” clip .
“ Sure , right now the biggest thing in the world seems like it ’ s how I ’ ve spent the past week getting pregnant , losing my best friend to a mysterious illness , filing for divorce , and then accidentally killing my teenage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just be a brief clip that provides some much-needed dramatic context before a new episode begins , ” said Worthington , taking a deep breath in her living room and reminding herself that despite how overwhelmed she currently felt by the sight of splattered blood and her child ’ s dead body on the floor , it would probably barely even register as a blip in a few weeks when it was used as merely one of several rapid-cut scenes compiled to help viewers understand the show ’ s larger narrative tapestry .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ I had an affair with my son ’ s soccer coach .
First , I couldn ’ t stop freaking out , but now that we ’ re a few seasons down the line , the two-second excerpt of me putting a hand on his chest and saying , ‘ We shouldn ’ t be doing this , ’ isn ’ t even the climactic part of the recaps .
Frankly , once this whole dealing-with-loss arc runs out , I don ’ t think they ’ ll include any mention at all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ befallen my friends and family members.
” Worthington added that , in contrast , she was sure the recent revelation that she possessed dark powers and could transform herself into a cat would be a key part of any recap for years to come .

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

HARTFORD, CT—Stressing how important it was to keep her worries in perspective, television character Greta Worthington told reporters Monday that amidst all her present hardships, she still knew everything she was going through would one day be nothing more than a small part of a “previously on” clip. “Sure, right now the biggest thing in the world seems like it’s how I’ve spent the past week getting pregnant, losing my best friend to a mysterious illness, filing for divorce, and then accidentally killing my teenage daughter, but soon enough this will just be a brief clip that provides some much-needed dramatic context before a new episode begins,” said Worthington, taking a deep breath in her living room and reminding herself that despite how overwhelmed she currently felt by the sight of splattered blood and her child’s dead body on the floor, it would probably barely even register as a blip in a few weeks when it was used as merely one of several rapid-cut scenes compiled to help viewers understand the show’s larger narrative tapestry. “This is exactly what happened when I had an affair with my son’s soccer coach. First, I couldn’t stop freaking out, but now that we’re a few seasons down the line, the two-second excerpt of me putting a hand on his chest and saying, ‘We shouldn’t be doing this,’ isn’t even the climactic part of the recaps. Frankly, once this whole dealing-with-loss arc runs out, I don’t think they’ll include any mention at all of the many untimely deaths that have befallen my friends and family members.” Worthington added that, in contrast, she was sure the recent revelation that she possessed dark powers and could transform herself into a cat would be a key part of any recap for years to come.


theonion--2020-01-20--Deal Alert: This 4-Year-Old Wandered Really Far From The Playground, Your Car’s Right There, And Her

Deal Alert: This 4-Year-Old Wandered Really Far From The Playground, Your Car’s Right There, And Her Parents Would Definitely Cough Up Enough For A Marvel 3-In-1 Arcade Machine To Get Her Back

Attention all arcade fans !
Here ’ s an opportunity that ’ s just too good to miss out on : This 4-year-old girl wandered really far away from the playground , your car ’ s right there , and her parents would definitely cough up enough for a Marvel three-in-one arcade machine to get her back .
That ’ s right !
You were just hanging out at the park and this little preschooler practically walked right up to you , and if you grab her now , her mom and dad probably care more than enough to compensate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an authentic vintage-style arcade cabinet featuring three classic Marvel games .
This 4-foot arcade machine usually retails for $ 299 , so taking off with this little girl and throwing her in your trunk until her parents pay through the nose will let you save quite a bundle !
And as a special bonus , you could probably demand enough for the optional one-foot riser ( cost : $ 100 ) to raise the cabinet to eye-level if they really think their daughter ’ s life is in danger and want her to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coat over her , pick her up , and drive like hell , and soon you ’ ll be spending hours reliving the glory days of arcade gaming with Marvel Super Heroes , X-Men : Children Of The Atom , and Punisher all in one attractive package .
Just think about it : No one is going to be hurt , her parents will get their young daughter back , and you ’ ll be getting to live the gamer ’ s dream for virtually nothing !
But be sure to act now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ woman over by the swings starting to look in your direction and this incredible opportunity won ’ t last long .

Attention all arcade fans! Here’s an opportunity that’s just too good to miss out on: This 4-year-old girl wandered really far away from the playground, your car’s right there, and her parents would definitely cough up enough for a Marvel three-in-one arcade machine to get her back.
That’s right! You were just hanging out at the park and this little preschooler practically walked right up to you, and if you grab her now, her mom and dad probably care more than enough to compensate you with the cash needed to buy an authentic vintage-style arcade cabinet featuring three classic Marvel games.
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This 4-foot arcade machine usually retails for $299, so taking off with this little girl and throwing her in your trunk until her parents pay through the nose will let you save quite a bundle! And as a special bonus, you could probably demand enough for the optional one-foot riser (cost: $100) to raise the cabinet to eye-level if they really think their daughter’s life is in danger and want her to be returned unharmed.
Simply toss your coat over her, pick her up, and drive like hell, and soon you’ll be spending hours reliving the glory days of arcade gaming with Marvel Super Heroes, X-Men: Children Of The Atom, and Punisher all in one attractive package. Just think about it: No one is going to be hurt, her parents will get their young daughter back, and you’ll be getting to live the gamer’s dream for virtually nothing!
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Pretty sweet deal, right, gamers?
But be sure to act now, because there’s an alarmed-looking woman over by the swings starting to look in your direction and this incredible opportunity won’t last long.


theonion--2020-01-20--Female James Bond Ruled Out By Series Producer

Series producer Barbara Broccoli stressed that James Bond will never be cast as a woman under her watch , saying @ @ @ @ @ any color , but he is male , ” and adding that “ I believe @ @ @ @ @ characters for women—strong female characters.
” What do you think ?
“ Couldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ Bond having sex with more women ?
” “ Exactly .
James Bond doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ but rather a penis that changes every decade or so .
”

Series producer Barbara Broccoli stressed that James Bond will never be cast as a woman under her watch, saying “he can be of any color, but he is male,” and adding that “I believe we should be creating new characters for women—strong female characters.” What do you think?
“What if a mishap put the male James Bond in a woman’s body? I think that’s a good compromise.” Cara Dougherty • Appliance Instructor
“Couldn’t we compromise by just showing Bond having sex with more women?” Oren Peralta • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-01-20--Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Vi

Unclear What Licensing Deal Led To Single Season 4 Episode Of ‘The Blacklist’ Being Available For Viewing On Airplane

LOS ANGELES , CA—Explaining how the in-flight entertainment console didn ’ t feature any other installments of the crime thriller television series , local man Lucas Grant told reporters Monday that it was unclear what kind of licensing deal led to a single Season 4 episode of The Blacklist being available for viewing on his recent journey from Los Angeles to Washington , D.C. “ There ’ s a bunch of movies , as well as full first seasons of other shows , but for some reason the only episode of the The Blacklist they have is some random one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Grant , speculating that the airline may have a strange deal with the show ’ s production company or that perhaps some other airline has the rest of the streaming rights , since it ’ s the sixth episode in the season and he knows for a fact that the show is serialized and meant to be watch sequentially .
“ I was like , oh , nice , I ’ ve been meaning to check out The Blacklist , but then all they have to watch is an episode called ‘ The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even from the show ’ s most recent season .
Maybe it ’ s a technical glitch or something that allowed it to slip through ?
I mean , it also seems like it ’ s only available in Spanish.
” At press time , Grant decided he would just watch Season 3 , Episode 9 of Angie Tribeca , which was also available for viewing .

LOS ANGELES, CA—Explaining how the in-flight entertainment console didn’t feature any other installments of the crime thriller television series, local man Lucas Grant told reporters Monday that it was unclear what kind of licensing deal led to a single Season 4 episode of The Blacklist being available for viewing on his recent journey from Los Angeles to Washington, D.C. “There’s a bunch of movies, as well as full first seasons of other shows, but for some reason the only episode of the The Blacklist they have is some random one from 2016,” said a confused Grant, speculating that the airline may have a strange deal with the show’s production company or that perhaps some other airline has the rest of the streaming rights, since it’s the sixth episode in the season and he knows for a fact that the show is serialized and meant to be watch sequentially. “I was like, oh, nice, I’ve been meaning to check out The Blacklist, but then all they have to watch is an episode called ‘The Thrushes,’ which isn’t even from the show’s most recent season. Maybe it’s a technical glitch or something that allowed it to slip through? I mean, it also seems like it’s only available in Spanish.” At press time, Grant decided he would just watch Season 3, Episode 9 of Angie Tribeca, which was also available for viewing.


theonion--2020-01-21--Contrarian ‘New York Times’ Travel Section Breaks With Paper To Endorse Deval Patrick For Democratic

Contrarian ‘New York Times’ Travel Section Breaks With Paper To Endorse Deval Patrick For Democratic Nomination

NEW YORK—In a dramatic challenge of the editorial board , The New York Times travel section broke with the paper Tuesday to endorse former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick for the Democratic nomination .
“ Given his impressive track record as a card-carrying Hyatt Loyalty Program member and the only candidate with TSA PreCheck , we are left no choice but to split with the main body of this organization and endorse Deval Patrick , ” said travel editor Amy Virshup , explaining that the section ’ s values have been diverging from the rest of the newspaper for years and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Klobuchar and Warren did not reflect the values of American jet-setters nearly as well as Patrick .
“ Patrick thoroughly impressed us with his comprehensive plan for the best way to spend 48 hours in Marrakech , and proved he ’ s ready to lead with his extensive knowledge of everything from using concierge services to where to find the best bar in the Seattle area .
Whether you prefer a family vacation or a romantic getaway , for the conscientious traveler , there is no better candidate than Deval Patrick.
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had picked up endorsements from every major American newspaper ’ s travel section .

NEW YORK—In a dramatic challenge of the editorial board, The New York Times travel section broke with the paper Tuesday to endorse former Massachusetts governor Deval Patrick for the Democratic nomination. “Given his impressive track record as a card-carrying Hyatt Loyalty Program member and the only candidate with TSA PreCheck, we are left no choice but to split with the main body of this organization and endorse Deval Patrick,” said travel editor Amy Virshup, explaining that the section’s values have been diverging from the rest of the newspaper for years and that The Time’s co-endorsement of Klobuchar and Warren did not reflect the values of American jet-setters nearly as well as Patrick. “Patrick thoroughly impressed us with his comprehensive plan for the best way to spend 36 hours in Marrakech, and proved he’s ready to lead with his extensive knowledge of everything from using concierge services to where to find the best bar in the Seattle area. Whether you prefer a family vacation or a romantic getaway, for the conscientious traveler, there is no better candidate than Deval Patrick.” At press time, an emergent Deval Patrick had picked up endorsements from every major American newspaper’s travel section.


theonion--2020-01-21--Greta Thunberg Speaks On Climate At Davos 2020

Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed leaders on the climate crisis on the opening day of the World Economic Forum @ @ @ @ @ bringing attention to the issue at a conference that will be dominated with reconciling business @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Man , she is really all-in on this habitable planet @ @ @ @ @ addressed a criminal court judge just the other day , so he ’ s doing @ @ @ @ @ “ Huh .
So , I guess other people have gotten their Davos invitations already @ @

Teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg addressed leaders on the climate crisis on the opening day of the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland, bringing attention to the issue at a conference that will be dominated with reconciling business with carbon emissions. What do you think?
“Man, she is really all-in on this habitable planet thing.” Patrick Garner • Unemployed
“My teenager addressed a criminal court judge just the other day, so he’s doing big things, too.” Ryley Kaufman • Museum Docent
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theonion--2020-01-21--First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Moles

First-Time Davos Attendee Can’t Believe How Many Seminars There Are About Running Secret Child-Molestation Ring

DAVOS , SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren ’ t focusing their talks more on internet privacy , first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn ’ t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum ’ s annual conference were about operating clandestine child-molestation rings .
“ I would have loved to attend some roundtables on globalization or the future of trade , but it ’ s like 90 % panels on running underage prostitutes , ” said Issacson , adding that the first workshop he attended was led by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in which illicit underground organizations can sell children into sexual slavery without alerting the authorities .
“ My entire day is filled with seminars on how to set up a shell corporation to launder money from the sex trade or how to reduce your carbon footprint when chartering a jet full of 12-year-old girls .
I was hoping to learn about sustainable development strategies , but nope—just to pad out my schedule for the week , I had to sign up for a symposium on countries with loopholes in their laws allowing you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ satanic rituals.
” At press time , Issacson was reportedly sprinting back and forth between panels on “ Pedophilia In The Global Economy ” and “ Human Trafficking In The # MeToo Era .
”

DAVOS, SWITZERLAND—Expressing surprise that tech luminaries like Sheryl Sandberg and Sundar Pichai weren’t focusing their talks more on internet privacy, first-time Davos attendee Emmanuel Issacson told reporters Monday he couldn’t believe how many seminars at the World Economic Forum’s annual conference were about operating clandestine child-molestation rings. “I would have loved to attend some roundtables on globalization or the future of trade, but it’s like 90% panels on running underage prostitutes,” said Issacson, adding that the first workshop he attended was led by a former FBI official who detailed ways in which illicit underground organizations can sell children into sexual slavery without alerting the authorities. “My entire day is filled with seminars on how to set up a shell corporation to launder money from the sex trade or how to reduce your carbon footprint when chartering a jet full of 12-year-old girls. I was hoping to learn about sustainable development strategies, but nope—just to pad out my schedule for the week, I had to sign up for a symposium on countries with loopholes in their laws allowing you to drink the blood of children during satanic rituals.” At press time, Issacson was reportedly sprinting back and forth between panels on “Pedophilia In The Global Economy” and “Human Trafficking In The #MeToo Era.”


theonion--2020-01-21--Kellyanne Conway Suggests Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Traveled To Ukraine For Dirt On Biden

WASHINGTON—Praising the civil rights leader for his determination and commitment to justice , Kellyanne Conway , senior counselor to the president , suggested to reporters Monday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have traveled to Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden .
“ Dr .
Martin Luther King , who was known for his nonviolent tactics , including protests and community organizing , would certainly have traveled abroad to pressure foreign nations to expose a political enemy ’ s secrets , ” said Conway , who explained that if King were alive today , he would without a doubt hop @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with Ukrainian government officials to acquire potentially damaging information about Biden ’ s younger son , Hunter .
“ While much of the United States remains divided , Dr. King had a brave and bold vision hinged on withholding aid from Ukraine for personal political purposes .
He understood that civil disobedience is essential in fighting a corrupt system , so he wasn ’ t afraid to spend the night in jail or do a little quid pro quo .
In fact , some of his most famous tweets were written from jail.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ shame such a great civil rights leader had been impeached so young .

WASHINGTON—Praising the civil rights leader for his determination and commitment to justice, Kellyanne Conway, senior counselor to the president, suggested to reporters Monday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have traveled to Ukraine for dirt on Joe Biden. “Dr. Martin Luther King, who was known for his nonviolent tactics, including protests and community organizing, would certainly have traveled abroad to pressure foreign nations to expose a political enemy’s secrets,” said Conway, who explained that if King were alive today, he would without a doubt hop on a flight to Kiev to meet with Ukrainian government officials to acquire potentially damaging information about Biden’s younger son, Hunter. “While much of the United States remains divided, Dr. King had a brave and bold vision hinged on withholding aid from Ukraine for personal political purposes. He understood that civil disobedience is essential in fighting a corrupt system, so he wasn’t afraid to spend the night in jail or do a little quid pro quo. In fact, some of his most famous tweets were written from jail.” Conway added that it was a shame such a great civil rights leader had been impeached so young.


theonion--2020-01-21--‘Times’ Gives Klobuchar, Warren 2020 Endorsement

In a break from their tradition of choosing one candidate , the New York Times endorsed Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth @ @ @ @ @ primary , saying the two senators represented a moderate and progressive vision for the party @ @ @ @ @ choose from to pit against President Trump .
What do you think ?
“ Glad @ @ @ @ @ only one thinking it took two women to do a man ’ s job.
” @ @ @ @ @ just one candidate who can ’ t beat Trump in November ?
”

In a break from their tradition of choosing one candidate, the New York Times endorsed Amy Klobuchar and Elizabeth Warren for the 2020 Democratic primary, saying the two senators represented a moderate and progressive vision for the party that voters would have to choose from to pit against President Trump. What do you think?
“Glad I wasn’t the only one thinking it took two women to do a man’s job.” Alara Farrell • Fantasy Historian
“Why limit ourselves to just one candidate who can’t beat Trump in November?” Darcy George • Chamomile Picker
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theonion--2020-01-21--Area Dad Sure Knows A Lot About Local Weather Woman

ROCKFORD , IL—Casually rattling off details about her personal life and professional history , household sources confirmed Tuesday that area @ @ @ @ @ know quite a bit about local television meteorologist Susanne Lepucki .
“ He keeps going @ @ @ @ @ that same red blouse last week , and I swear one time I heard him @ @ @ @ @ ” said Garcia ’ s 16-year-old son , Malcolm , clarifying that his father usually @ @ @ @ @ finishes her weather report on Rockford CBS affiliate WIFR .
“ He doesn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ other anchors , but he definitely knows Susanne .
He ’ s followed her from @ @ @ @ @ spot to the 6 o ’ clock .
Apparently , she almost changed networks over @ @ @ @ @ , but it ’ s been resolved now.
” At press time , the elder @ @ @ @ @ he had considered applying to Northern Illinois University , noting that Susanne Lepucki earned her @ @ @ @ @ there and they evidently have some pretty good programs .

ROCKFORD, IL—Casually rattling off details about her personal life and professional history, household sources confirmed Tuesday that area dad Shawn Garcia seems to know quite a bit about local television meteorologist Susanne Lepucki. “He keeps going on about how she wore that same red blouse last week, and I swear one time I heard him use her middle name,” said Garcia’s 16-year-old son, Malcolm, clarifying that his father usually changes the channel after Lepucki finishes her weather report on Rockford CBS affiliate WIFR. “He doesn’t really know any of the other anchors, but he definitely knows Susanne. He’s followed her from the 5 o’clock spot to the 6 o’clock. Apparently, she almost changed networks over a contract dispute last year, but it’s been resolved now.” At press time, the elder Garcia asked his son if he had considered applying to Northern Illinois University, noting that Susanne Lepucki earned her master of science degree over there and they evidently have some pretty good programs.


theonion--2020-01-21--Report: Clicking This Link Will Add You To Several FBI Watchlists

WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch , a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that , well , you ’ ve done it : By having clicked on this link , you have been added to several FBI watchlists .
Despite the fact that you could have easily scrolled past and abstained from navigating to this article , several reports indicated that , uh oh , you are now being tracked by federal agents as a potential terrorist and are prohibited from crossing state lines or leaving the country , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ yourself .
High-ranking officials in the U.S. intelligence community told reporters that regardless of whether you erase your browser history , delete your cookies , or even destroy the device you ’ re currently using , it ’ s too late .
In fact , several reports indicated that given how much you ’ ve just fucked up , your best bet now is to bleach your hair , shave off your fingerprints , and fake your own death , as there are several federal agents on their way to take you into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ moments of freedom reading this .
At press time , anonymous FBI sources recommended that you say goodbye to your loved ones and get a move on , seeing as you only have 15 minutes left and the clock is ticking .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that your name is now permanently on multiple databases run by the federal law enforcement branch, a new report issued Tuesday confirmed that, well, you’ve done it: By having clicked on this link, you have been added to several FBI watchlists. Despite the fact that you could have easily scrolled past and abstained from navigating to this article, several reports indicated that, uh oh, you are now being tracked by federal agents as a potential terrorist and are prohibited from crossing state lines or leaving the country, all because you couldn’t help yourself. High-ranking officials in the U.S. intelligence community told reporters that regardless of whether you erase your browser history, delete your cookies, or even destroy the device you’re currently using, it’s too late. In fact, several reports indicated that given how much you’ve just fucked up, your best bet now is to bleach your hair, shave off your fingerprints, and fake your own death, as there are several federal agents on their way to take you into custody as you waste your last few moments of freedom reading this. At press time, anonymous FBI sources recommended that you say goodbye to your loved ones and get a move on, seeing as you only have 15 minutes left and the clock is ticking.


theonion--2020-01-21--Canadian Man Wishes There Was Some Way To Pay His Doctor For All The Hard Work He Did

TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician ’ s efforts going unrewarded , Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work .
“ Dr .
Leva really went above and beyond for me , and I wish there were some method of exchange , preferably one that would put me in debt far beyond my usual retirement age , I could engage in to display my appreciation , ” said Munley , who confessed to feeling as if he were stealing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the clinician required multiple rounds of appointments and testing in order to achieve a diagnosis and devise a treatment plan .
“ My doctor , like so many , is a dedicated professional who works extremely hard , yet I am unable to give him a single dollar , let alone nearly bankrupt my family in order to pay for his services .
It hardly seems civilized.
” Several personal checks that Munley tried to send his to doctor ’ s practice have reportedly been returned along with legal notices reprimanding him for @ @ @

TORONTO—Explaining that he hated to think of all the physician’s efforts going unrewarded, Canadian citizen Ryan Munley stated Tuesday that he wished there was some way he could pay his medical doctor for all his hard work. “Dr. Leva really went above and beyond for me, and I wish there were some method of exchange, preferably one that would put me in debt far beyond my usual retirement age, I could engage in to display my appreciation,” said Munley, who confessed to feeling as if he were stealing from his internist outright, especially since the clinician required multiple rounds of appointments and testing in order to achieve a diagnosis and devise a treatment plan. “My doctor, like so many, is a dedicated professional who works extremely hard, yet I am unable to give him a single dollar, let alone nearly bankrupt my family in order to pay for his services. It hardly seems civilized.” Several personal checks that Munley tried to send his to doctor’s practice have reportedly been returned along with legal notices reprimanding him for attempted payment.


theonion--2020-01-21--Real-Life ‘Katamari!’ This Drunk Driver Is Still Dragging The Cyclist He Hit

Calling all Katamari Damacy fans—you ’ re going to love this !
If you were into this Namco classic , you ’ ll definitely be excited to hear Keita Takahashi ’ s off-the-wall classic pretty much came to life moments ago when a drunk driver ran over a bike messenger who got tangled in the bumper and is still being dragged by the car as we speak !
Watching the visibly intoxicated driver weave his way through traffic with the badly bloodied cyclist trailing behind is sure to give any PlayStation 2 owner some serious flashbacks to rolling around the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cel-shaded classic to collect cows , thumbtacks , takoyaki , forks , and any other quirky object you could find .
And just like in the game , this wildly swerving driver is picking up all sorts of items as he runs them over !
There ’ s some litter that got caught in his hubcaps from when he drove on the sidewalk .
There ’ s blood on his windshield .
And check it out !
He just picked up a bunch of newspapers when he tried to jump the curb to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone !
If this guy keeps it up , pretty soon he ’ s probably going to be bigger than the earth itself !
In fact , we here at OGN are getting hit by a tidal wave of nostalgia just watching the driver ricochet off an alley wall plowing down a one-way side street .
Katamari ’ s controls were definitely pretty clunky , and we can ’ t tell you the number of times we got stuck in a tight corner and needed to use all our wits to keep our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screaming , heavily wounded cyclist is a Katamari fan , there ’ s no doubt he ’ s excited to be part of this incredible recreation !
Frankly , we hope this die-hard gamer never stops drunk driving in his mission to breathe fresh life into the hallowed legacy of Katamari Damacy .
If the police finally catch up to him , though , he can tell everyone in prison about the day he gathered a haul that would make even the King Of All Cosmos proud .
Congrats to this true Katamari @ @ @ @ @ @

Calling all Katamari Damacy fans—you’re going to love this! If you were into this Namco classic, you’ll definitely be excited to hear Keita Takahashi’s off-the-wall classic pretty much came to life moments ago when a drunk driver ran over a bike messenger who got tangled in the bumper and is still being dragged by the car as we speak!
Watching the visibly intoxicated driver weave his way through traffic with the badly bloodied cyclist trailing behind is sure to give any PlayStation 2 owner some serious flashbacks to rolling around the Prince’s katamari in the 2004 cel-shaded classic to collect cows, thumbtacks, takoyaki, forks, and any other quirky object you could find. And just like in the game, this wildly swerving driver is picking up all sorts of items as he runs them over! There’s some litter that got caught in his hubcaps from when he drove on the sidewalk. There’s blood on his windshield. And check it out! He just picked up a bunch of newspapers when he tried to jump the curb to flee the scene!
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Look out, everyone! If this guy keeps it up, pretty soon he’s probably going to be bigger than the earth itself!
In fact, we here at OGN are getting hit by a tidal wave of nostalgia just watching the driver ricochet off an alley wall plowing down a one-way side street. Katamari’s controls were definitely pretty clunky, and we can’t tell you the number of times we got stuck in a tight corner and needed to use all our wits to keep our ball moving. Plus, if that screaming, heavily wounded cyclist is a Katamari fan, there’s no doubt he’s excited to be part of this incredible recreation!
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Frankly, we hope this die-hard gamer never stops drunk driving in his mission to breathe fresh life into the hallowed legacy of Katamari Damacy. If the police finally catch up to him, though, he can tell everyone in prison about the day he gathered a haul that would make even the King Of All Cosmos proud.
Congrats to this true Katamari champ! Way to go!


theonion--2020-01-21--Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 21, 2020

Your sneaking feeling that people are out to get you just shows how delusional you are , as you should @ @ @ @ @ that they ’ re out to get you .

Aquarius | Jan. 20 to Feb. 18
Though last Monday may not have seemed like much to you, trust us: It was the best day of your life.


theonion--2020-01-22--Kellyanne Conway Suggests MLK Would Have Opposed Trump Impeachment

Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway told reporters that Martin Luther King Jr. would not have supported current impeachment efforts if he @ @ @ @ @ Dr. King ’ s promotion of harmony between peoples would have led him to oppose @ @ @ @ @ the country apart through an impeachment process and a lack of substance that really is @ @ @ @ @ ” What do you think ?
“ I mean , it ’ s not like @ @ @ @ @ and speeches documenting his actual views .
”

Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway told reporters that Martin Luther King Jr. would not have supported current impeachment efforts if he were alive today, saying Dr. King’s promotion of harmony between peoples would have led him to oppose “tear[ing] the country apart through an impeachment process and a lack of substance that really is very shameful at this point.” What do you think?
“Dr. King always championed those who embodied everything he fought against.” Kevin England • Door Carver
“I mean, it’s not like he left behind numerous letters and speeches documenting his actual views.” Ellen Sadler • Singlet Sewer
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theonion--2020-01-22--Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of

Justice Roberts Sternly Admonishes Impeachment Participants To Remember They’re At Complete Farce Of A Trial

WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon , Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ managers to remember they were participating in a complete farce of a trial .
“ @ @ @ @ @ this deliberative body , please bear in mind that nothing you say or do will @ @ @ @ @ completely predetermined outcome of these proceedings , ” said Roberts , exhorting the two sides @ @ @ @ @ facts , promulgate lies , cite the Constitution , or engage in purely cynical bad-faith @ @ @ @ @ it really mattered anyway .
“ I wish to remind you this trial is a @ @ @ @ @ no possibility of achieving productive results of any kind .
We ’ re just going @ @ @ @ @ we all know how it is going to end , so let ’ s at @ @ @ @ @ brief.
” At press time , the chief justice had commended both sides for heeding @ @ @ @ @ keep the monumental miscarriage of justice running smoothly .

WASHINGTON—After he gaveled the Senate to order Wednesday afternoon, Chief Justice John Roberts sternly admonished both President Trump’s counsel and House impeachment managers to remember they were participating in a complete farce of a trial. “As you address members of this deliberative body, please bear in mind that nothing you say or do will have any effect on the completely predetermined outcome of these proceedings,” said Roberts, exhorting the two sides to go ahead and establish facts, promulgate lies, cite the Constitution, or engage in purely cynical bad-faith arguments, because none of it really mattered anyway. “I wish to remind you this trial is a hollow exercise of decorum with no possibility of achieving productive results of any kind. We’re just going through the motions here, we all know how it is going to end, so let’s at least try to keep it brief.” At press time, the chief justice had commended both sides for heeding his admonition and working to keep the monumental miscarriage of justice running smoothly.


theonion--2020-01-22--5 Things To Know About Prince Harry And Meghan Markle’s Split From The Royal Family


theonion--2020-01-22--Financial Experts Recommend Just Waiting Until Chaos Is Law Of The Land

NEW YORK—Cautioning against making any rash investment decisions before the entire fabric of society falls apart and anarchy reigns supreme , financial experts recommended Wednesday to hold off on buying or selling and wait until chaos is the law of the land .
“ While you may be tempted to dive into the stock market now , the real test will be in the future when civilization as we know it collapses and the only currency will be strength , dominance , and a thirst for blood , ” said a spokeswoman from Northwestern Mutual , Patricia Larson , adding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nature and we finally meet the end of days , a diversified portfolio of knives , guns , and baseball bats covered in metal spikes will be far more useful than any financial investment .
“ Sure , right now , you might want to go all in while the Dow is up , but what happens when the warlords ride in on their horses and behead your precious king ?
That ’ s right .
All your money will be tied up in the market , so you won ’ t be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and jewels.
” Larson also recommended that those with children should plan on putting aside some money every month just so that when the hunger pains come , you don ’ t end up selling them into slavery for a single loaf of bread .

NEW YORK—Cautioning against making any rash investment decisions before the entire fabric of society falls apart and anarchy reigns supreme, financial experts recommended Wednesday to hold off on buying or selling and wait until chaos is the law of the land. “While you may be tempted to dive into the stock market now, the real test will be in the future when civilization as we know it collapses and the only currency will be strength, dominance, and a thirst for blood,” said a spokeswoman from Northwestern Mutual, Patricia Larson, adding that when man returns to his primal nature and we finally meet the end of days, a diversified portfolio of knives, guns, and baseball bats covered in metal spikes will be far more useful than any financial investment. “Sure, right now, you might want to go all in while the Dow is up, but what happens when the warlords ride in on their horses and behead your precious king? That’s right. All your money will be tied up in the market, so you won’t be able to pay your tithe in bones and jewels.” Larson also recommended that those with children should plan on putting aside some money every month just so that when the hunger pains come, you don’t end up selling them into slavery for a single loaf of bread.


theonion--2020-01-22--Hillary Clinton Attacks Bernie Sanders In New Interview

Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders in a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter discussing a forthcoming Hulu @ @ @ @ @ calling the senator a “ career politician ” and saying “ nobody likes him.
” @ @ @ @ @ “ Well , these are the kind of stunts you ’ re forced to pull @ @ @ @ @ Hulu.
” “ How dare Bernie drive her to say something so ugly.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ these personal attacks will soil her legacy of blowing an easily winnable election ?
”

Former Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton attacked Bernie Sanders in a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter discussing a forthcoming Hulu documentary about her life, calling the senator a “career politician” and saying “nobody likes him.” What do you think?
“Well, these are the kind of stunts you’re forced to pull when your documentary is on Hulu.” John Santiago • Word Approver
“How dare Bernie drive her to say something so ugly.” Liana Turnbull • Bible Assembler
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