theonion--2020-06-23--Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Pot

Realtor Thinks Flourishing Neighborhood Full Of Middle-Class Latino Families Has Real Turnaround Potential

CHICAGO—Calling it the next “ hot , up-and-coming spot ” for young professionals , local real estate agent Angela Kirkman stated Tuesday that she believed a flourishing neighborhood full of middle-class Latino families with deep roots in the area had great turnaround potential .
“ Look , I ’ ve been in this business a while , and I ’ m telling you , between the bustling Puerto Rican storefronts , historic family homes , and beautifully maintained parks , all this place needs is a good bulldozing and several dozen towering , high-end condos , ” Kirkman said as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rich neighborhood , pointing out locations on the thriving main drag where a mini Target , Philz Coffee , or Chipotle were “ just begging to be opened.
” “ When you think about how many generations some of these families have lived here , you realize there must be something pretty great about it .
Granted , we ’ re still three to five years away from our clients feeling comfortable about moving to this area with their kids , but with a little elbow grease , we ’ ll get all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cream guys , and family cookouts cleared out .
Call me crazy , but I just love the vibe of this place.
” At press time , Kirkman had reportedly pulled over to take a photo of herself in front of a beloved community mural , commenting that it would be a highly lucrative spot for a billboard .

CHICAGO—Calling it the next “hot, up-and-coming spot” for young professionals, local real estate agent Angela Kirkman stated Tuesday that she believed a flourishing neighborhood full of middle-class Latino families with deep roots in the area had great turnaround potential. “Look, I’ve been in this business a while, and I’m telling you, between the bustling Puerto Rican storefronts, historic family homes, and beautifully maintained parks, all this place needs is a good bulldozing and several dozen towering, high-end condos,” Kirkman said as she drove through the tight-knit, culturally rich neighborhood, pointing out locations on the thriving main drag where a mini Target, Philz Coffee, or Chipotle were “just begging to be opened.” “When you think about how many generations some of these families have lived here, you realize there must be something pretty great about it. Granted, we’re still three to five years away from our clients feeling comfortable about moving to this area with their kids, but with a little elbow grease, we’ll get all the flags, loud music, ice cream guys, and family cookouts cleared out. Call me crazy, but I just love the vibe of this place.” At press time, Kirkman had reportedly pulled over to take a photo of herself in front of a beloved community mural, commenting that it would be a highly lucrative spot for a billboard.


theonion--2020-06-24--Milky Way Could Harbor 6 Billion Earth-Like Planets

New calculations reveal the solar system may be host to nearly six billion rocky , Earth-sized planets that orbit stars @ @ @ @ @ water could exist on the surface .
What do you think ?
“ This c @ @ @ @ @ ’ s an absolute shit-ton of planets out there.
” “ Sure , but there @ @ @ @ @ Sarasota , Florida.
” “ And what are scientists doing to ensure we kill them @ @ @ @ @ ”

New calculations reveal the galaxy may be host to nearly six billion rocky, Earth-sized planets that orbit stars at a distance where liquid water could exist on the surface. What do you think?
“This confirms my hypothesis that there’s an absolute shit-ton of planets out there.” Trina Miglio • Sap Collector
“Sure, but there’s still only one Sarasota, Florida.” Walter FanninG • Rat Surgeon
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theonion--2020-06-24--Researchers Predict Pandemic Could Result In 500,000 Fewer U.S. Births

Experts at the Brookings Institution say the economic and social hardships created by Covid-19 could result in a “ baby @ @ @ @ @ could expect to see 300,000 to 500,000 fewer infants born over the next few years @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ The govern ment should do something sexy to help stimulate more births.
” @ @ @ @ @ about not having a baby from my mother , I don ’ t need it @ @ @ @ @ too.
” “ Babies are cowards for not facing this miserable reality like the rest @ @ @ @

Experts at the Brookings Institution say the economic and social hardships created by Covid-19 could result in a “baby bust” where the U.S. could expect to see 300,000 to 500,000 fewer infants born over the next few years. What do you think?
“The govern ment should do something sexy to help stimulate more births.” John Goldwasser • Hemp Spokesperson
“I get enough crap about not having a baby from my mother, I don’t need it from the Brookings Institution, too.” Kelsey Andreatta • Windshield Defroster
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theonion--2020-06-24--Nancy Pelosi Calls Jamaal Bowman To Scold Him For Winning Primary

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger ’ s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel ( D-NY ) , House Speaker Nancy @ @ @ @ @ scold him for winning his primary race , sources confirmed Wednesday .
“ I just @ @ @ @ @ reprimand you for your victory , ” said Pelosi , extending her sincerest indignation to @ @ @ @ @ educator , who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic @ @ @ @ @ understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted , but it @ @ @ @ @ night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not @ @ @ @ @ .
So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you ’ ve done @ @ @ @ @ re going to be working together soon , so I look forward to crushing you @ @ @ @ @ ” Pelosi added that when things became official in November , she would call again @ @ @ @ @ was to welcome Bowman to Congress .

WASHINGTON—Following the progressive challenger’s victory over 16-term incumbent Rep. Eliot Engel (D-NY), House Speaker Nancy Pelosi phoned Jamaal Bowman to scold him for winning his primary race, sources confirmed Wednesday. “I just wanted to call and personally reprimand you for your victory,” said Pelosi, extending her sincerest indignation to the former Bronx middle school educator, who is expected to easily win the general election in his heavily Democratic congressional district. “I understand there are some mail-in ballots that still need to be counted, but it appears you won big last night and energized a lot of first-time voters and young people we absolutely did not want voting in this primary. So allow me to extend my sincerest fuck-you for everything you’ve done. Obviously, we’re going to be working together soon, so I look forward to crushing you the first chance I get.” Pelosi added that when things became official in November, she would call again to express how frustrated she was to welcome Bowman to Congress.


theonion--2020-06-24--Gamers, We Just Spent 4 Days Trapped In A Rolled-Over Minivan And We’re Genuinely Pissed That Nobody

Gamers, We Just Spent 4 Days Trapped In A Rolled-Over Minivan And We’re Genuinely Pissed That Nobody Reported Us Missing When We Didn’t Cover The ‘Ratchet & Clank’ News

We here at OGN take pride in our readership .
We consider you all to be loyal fans who relish our writers ’ dedication to this staff ’ s work .
Or , at least , we used to think that about you .
Not anymore , though .
Why are we angry , you ask ?
Jesus Christ , you don ’ t even know why , do you ?
We just spent four fucking days—four days—trapped inside a rolled-over minivan , and we are deeply frustrated that none of you reported us missing when we didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ratchet & Clank .
Sure , it was scary being stuck inside our totaled Honda Odyssey with our wife and daughters after we swerved into a ditch to avoid colliding with an eighteen-wheeler on the highway .
Based on the severe injuries we sustained , we actually thought this might be the end of the road .
But the whole time , we took solace in our conviction that one of you would alert the authorities when we didn ’ t post about our excitement for Insomniac Games announcing Ratchet & Clank : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the beloved third-person shooter series for the PlayStation 5 .
You didn ’ t even notice it , though .
Come the fuck on , gamers .
Frankly , after having spent decades of our lives delivering you up-to-date commentary on the latest developments in the world of video games , we assumed we had developed a certain type of relationship with our readership .
At the very least , we assumed you would realize something was wrong when we didn ’ t say anything about Ratchet ’ s ability to hop between @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that takes full advantage of the PS5 ’ s powerful system architecture .
It looks like we were wrong , though .
The whole time we were trapped under the badly dented roof , trying to wriggle our paralyzed legs out of the totaled wreckage , we kept telling our wife , Susan , “ Don ’ t worry , the OGN readers will see that we haven ’ t reported on Rift Apart ’ s use of real-time ray tracing and come looking for us.
” But no , there was nothing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attempts to reach out to us .
No asking our friends if they ’ ve seen us .
For the entire 96 hours , you didn ’ t do anything .
And don ’ t give us any of that bullshit about how you thought we maybe just decided not to issue a comment on it .
You know damn well the mysterious new female Lombax character is something we ’ d post about immediately .
We would probably have included all the best fan tributes to the character in a slideshow .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , too It was only when our daughter Liv managed to squeeze her way out of the passenger side door and flag someone down on the highway that we were saved .
Sweet Liv .
It must have been so traumatic for her .
She ’ s only 12 .
She never should have had to do that , but you made her .
That ’ s the last time we ever expect anything from you , readers .
Next time something goes wrong , we know not to count on even the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ received .
And , by the way , there ’ s no way in hell we ’ re going to write about the new Ratchet & Clank now .
You can go find that news somewhere else .
You people are monsters .

We here at OGN take pride in our readership. We consider you all to be loyal fans who relish our writers’ dedication to this staff’s work. Or, at least, we used to think that about you. Not anymore, though. Why are we angry, you ask?
Jesus Christ, you don’t even know why, do you?
We just spent four fucking days—four days—trapped inside a rolled-over minivan, and we are deeply frustrated that none of you reported us missing when we didn’t even cover the news about the next-generation Ratchet & Clank.
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Sure, it was scary being stuck inside our totaled Honda Odyssey with our wife and daughters after we swerved into a ditch to avoid colliding with an eighteen-wheeler on the highway. Based on the severe injuries we sustained, we actually thought this might be the end of the road. But the whole time, we took solace in our conviction that one of you would alert the authorities when we didn’t post about our excitement for Insomniac Games announcing Ratchet & Clank: Rift Apart, an upcoming installment in the beloved third-person shooter series for the PlayStation 5.
You didn’t even notice it, though. Come the fuck on, gamers.
Frankly, after having spent decades of our lives delivering you up-to-date commentary on the latest developments in the world of video games, we assumed we had developed a certain type of relationship with our readership. At the very least, we assumed you would realize something was wrong when we didn’t say anything about Ratchet’s ability to hop between dimensions or the new freeze ray effect that takes full advantage of the PS5’s powerful system architecture. It looks like we were wrong, though.
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The whole time we were trapped under the badly dented roof, trying to wriggle our paralyzed legs out of the totaled wreckage, we kept telling our wife, Susan, “Don’t worry, the OGN readers will see that we haven’t reported on Rift Apart’s use of real-time ray tracing and come looking for us.” But no, there was nothing. No missing persons report. No attempts to reach out to us. No asking our friends if they’ve seen us. For the entire 96 hours, you didn’t do anything.
And don’t give us any of that bullshit about how you thought we maybe just decided not to issue a comment on it. You know damn well the mysterious new female Lombax character is something we’d post about immediately. We would probably have included all the best fan tributes to the character in a slideshow. You know it. We know it, too
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It was only when our daughter Liv managed to squeeze her way out of the passenger side door and flag someone down on the highway that we were saved. Sweet Liv. It must have been so traumatic for her. She’s only 12. She never should have had to do that, but you made her.
That’s the last time we ever expect anything from you, readers. Next time something goes wrong, we know not to count on even the bare minimum of help. Message fucking received. And, by the way, there’s no way in hell we’re going to write about the new Ratchet & Clank now. You can go find that news somewhere else. You people are monsters.


theonion--2020-06-24--Defiant Florida Officials Announce They Will Ignore Saudi Government Lockdown By Holding Hajj To Mec

Defiant Florida Officials Announce They Will Ignore Saudi Government Lockdown By Holding Hajj To Mecca

TALLAHASSEE , FL—Declaring that no federal authority could infringe upon state residents ’ freedom to go where they pleased , defiant Florida officials announced Wednesday that they will ignore Saudi Arabia ’ s government lockdown by holding a hajj to Mecca .
“ No federal authority can use the exaggerated threat of coronavirus to violate all Floridians ’ constitutional right to make their pilgrimage to Mecca , and we refuse to comply with this clear abuse of power by the Saudi government , ” said a visibily outraged Gov .
Ron DeSantis at a press conference , adding that Saudi @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pilgrimage to the sacred birthplace of Muhammad to just residents of the kingdom was clearly overriden by phase 3 guidelines in Florida ’ s reopening process .
“ Look , the Saudi government can say whatever it wants , but what about states ’ rights ?
We must rise up against this government tyranny , because they have no right to stop any Floridian from making the journey to the Kaaba .
In fact , we are encouraging all Florida residents to assert their right to perform the rites of the hajj in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their constitutional freedom to properly honor Muhammad .
We will also challenge any mosque that prohibits entry because a Florida resident isn ’ t wearing a mask.
” State officials added that if any Floridian gets coronavirus from their hajj , it was simply because Allah has willed it .

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Declaring that no federal authority could infringe upon state residents’ freedom to go where they pleased, defiant Florida officials announced Wednesday that they will ignore Saudi Arabia’s government lockdown by holding a hajj to Mecca. “No federal authority can use the exaggerated threat of coronavirus to violate all Floridians’ constitutional right to make their pilgrimage to Mecca, and we refuse to comply with this clear abuse of power by the Saudi government,” said a visibily outraged Gov. Ron DeSantis at a press conference, adding that Saudi officials’ decision to limit the annual pilgrimage to the sacred birthplace of Muhammad to just residents of the kingdom was clearly overriden by phase 3 guidelines in Florida’s reopening process. “Look, the Saudi government can say whatever it wants, but what about states’ rights? We must rise up against this government tyranny, because they have no right to stop any Floridian from making the journey to the Kaaba. In fact, we are encouraging all Florida residents to assert their right to perform the rites of the hajj in the holy city of Mecca and enjoy their constitutional freedom to properly honor Muhammad. We will also challenge any mosque that prohibits entry because a Florida resident isn’t wearing a mask.” State officials added that if any Floridian gets coronavirus from their hajj, it was simply because Allah has willed it.


theonion--2020-06-24--Employee Leaves Performance Review With Clear, Identifiable Goal Of Surrendering To The Void

CINCINNATI—Saying the conversation with his manager had really helped him see the next steps for his time at the company , Celera Solutions employees Marcus Parker told reporters Wednesday that he had left a recent performance review with the clear , identifiable goal of surrendering to the void .
“ It wasn ’ t too long of a meeting , but hearing my boss tell me exactly where I ’ ve been coming up short this past year provided the perfect roadmap for giving myself over to the universe ’ s inherent meaninglessness , ” said Parker , describing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to his superior describe his failures in excruciating detail and why he would not be receiving an annual raise as a great way to set up the goal posts that he would need to eventually cast himself into the harrowing emptiness of life itself .
“ It ’ s easy to miss the forest for the trees , which is why it was so nice to have this open point-by-point discussion where I could really see that there is an infinite sadness underneath every action I take at this office and , actually @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just have to keep my eye on the prize and continue following this game plan we drew up together , and I ’ ll probably be capitulating to the oppressive and absurd dirge of existence by the fourth quarter or so .
Man , that ’ d be pretty nifty.
” At press time , Parker was attempting to stay on track by using a visualization exercise recommended by his supervisor in which he closed his eyes and pictured himself hurling into the cosmic horror of deep space .

CINCINNATI—Saying the conversation with his manager had really helped him see the next steps for his time at the company, Celera Solutions employees Marcus Parker told reporters Wednesday that he had left a recent performance review with the clear, identifiable goal of surrendering to the void. “It wasn’t too long of a meeting, but hearing my boss tell me exactly where I’ve been coming up short this past year provided the perfect roadmap for giving myself over to the universe’s inherent meaninglessness,” said Parker, describing the process of gradually dissociating as he listened to his superior describe his failures in excruciating detail and why he would not be receiving an annual raise as a great way to set up the goal posts that he would need to eventually cast himself into the harrowing emptiness of life itself. “It’s easy to miss the forest for the trees, which is why it was so nice to have this open point-by-point discussion where I could really see that there is an infinite sadness underneath every action I take at this office and, actually, the world itself. Now I just have to keep my eye on the prize and continue following this game plan we drew up together, and I’ll probably be capitulating to the oppressive and absurd dirge of existence by the fourth quarter or so. Man, that’d be pretty nifty.” At press time, Parker was attempting to stay on track by using a visualization exercise recommended by his supervisor in which he closed his eyes and pictured himself hurling into the cosmic horror of deep space.


theonion--2020-06-24--Pros And Cons Of D.C. Statehood

Pros And Cons Of D.C. Statehood

The movement to make Washington , D.C. the nation ’ s 51st state has continued to gain momentum and is @ @ @ @ @ in an increasingly polarized country , but the proposal has many critics .
The Onion @ @ @ @ @ cons of granting D.C. statehood .
Confers all the benefits of having state bird .
@ @ @ @ @ to Puerto Rico in a few months .
Would remove one of the several thousand @ @ @ @ @ .
New flag way too busy .
Pointless to add state to country with only @ @ @ @ @ .

The movement to make Washington, D.C. the nation’s 51st state has continued to gain momentum and is emerging as a significant issue in an increasingly polarized country, but the proposal has many critics. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of granting D.C. statehood.
PRO
Confers all the benefits of having state bird.
Adds much-needed jobs to state lobbyist sector.
Haven’t stuck it to Puerto Rico in a few months.
Would remove one of the several thousand barriers to making voice heard.
CON
New flag way too busy.
Breaks from longstanding practice of disenfranchising Black voters.
Slippery slope to giving statehood to Delaware.
Pointless to add state to country with only 10 to 20 years left.


theonion--2020-06-24--Officials Warn Defunding Police Could Lead To Spike In Crime From Ex-Officers With No Outlet For Vio

Officials Warn Defunding Police Could Lead To Spike In Crime From Ex-Officers With No Outlet For Violence

LOS ANGELES—Insisting their department provided crucial services that help maintain order in the city , law enforcement officials warned Wednesday that defunding the police could lead to a spike in crime from ex-officers with no outlet for their violence .
“ The truth is that there are violent people in our society , and we need a police department so they have somewhere to go during the day to channel their rage , ” said L.A. police chief Michel Moore , telling reporters that without proper resources , his team would be powerless to take these aggressive individuals off the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ academy .
“ If these cuts are allowed to continue , we could be looking at a very real future where someone with a history of domestic abuse is able to terrorize their spouse with impunity instead of being occupied testing out new tactical military equipment or pepper-spraying some random teens .
The fact that these dangerous attackers and killers are being gainfully employed by the LAPD is the only thing standing between us and complete chaos.
” Moore added that even minor budget cuts could lead to repeat violent offenders walking free @ @ @ @ @ @ @ behind a sergeant ’ s desk .

LOS ANGELES—Insisting their department provided crucial services that help maintain order in the city, law enforcement officials warned Wednesday that defunding the police could lead to a spike in crime from ex-officers with no outlet for their violence. “The truth is that there are violent people in our society, and we need a police department so they have somewhere to go during the day to channel their rage,” said L.A. police chief Michel Moore, telling reporters that without proper resources, his team would be powerless to take these aggressive individuals off the streets and throw them into a police academy. “If these cuts are allowed to continue, we could be looking at a very real future where someone with a history of domestic abuse is able to terrorize their spouse with impunity instead of being occupied testing out new tactical military equipment or pepper-spraying some random teens. The fact that these dangerous attackers and killers are being gainfully employed by the LAPD is the only thing standing between us and complete chaos.” Moore added that even minor budget cuts could lead to repeat violent offenders walking free instead of spending 10 to 15 years behind a sergeant’s desk.


theonion--2020-06-24--IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their C

IBM Condemns Use Of Facial Recognition Software For Anything Other Than Matching People With Their Celebrity Doppelganger

Plus , life in New York City is returning to normal , but not without some precautions for commuters .
@ @ @ @ @ latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Plus, life in New York City is returning to normal, but not without some precautions for commuters. We’ve got the latest on the best ways to disinfect that subway pole before you lick it.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-25--Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into

Tide Accused Of Over-Inflating Number Of Children Who Roll Around In Mud Puddles Before Running Into House

FCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public .
Hear @ @ @ @ @ allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of @ @ @ @ @ juice were spilled by children onto their perfectly white jumpers .
You can find The @ @ @ @ @ Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

FCC regulators are cracking down on the popular detergent brand after years of lying to the American public. Hear how Tide is responding to allegations that they tricked consumers into purchasing their product by wildly over-inflating the number of instances huge jugs of cranberry juice were spilled by children onto their perfectly white jumpers.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-25--Segway Suspends Scooter Production

Segway Suspends Scooter Production

Owners of the Segway brand say they will stop manufacturing the iconic two-wheeled motorized scooter , which has sold only @ @ @ @ @ introduced in 2001 .
What do you think ?
“ Eventually even doomed business models @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I think Segway just really underestimated how popular cars would become.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ to move faster than walking but slower than running ?
”

Owners of the Segway brand say they will stop manufacturing the iconic two-wheeled motorized scooter, which has sold only 140,000 units since it was introduced in 2001. What do you think?
“Eventually even doomed business models must come to an end.” Bitsy Walker • Gravity Expert
“I think Segway just really underestimated how popular cars would become.” Greg Dutton • Detergent Supplier
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theonion--2020-06-25--Bayer To Pay $10 Billion In Roundup Settlement

Bayer has agreed to pay $ 10 billion to settle over 95,000 individual claims that their weedkiller Roundup causes cancer @ @ @ @ @ earmarked for future claims of people who developed non-Hodgkin ’ s lymphoma after being exposed @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ It ’ s a sad day in America when a @ @ @ @ @ fo r something.
” “ Nobody said there wouldn ’ t be casualties in the @ @ @ @ @ “ I may be dying , but you should see my tomatoes .
”

Bayer has agreed to pay $10 billion to settle over 95,000 individual claims that their weedkiller Roundup causes cancer, with $1.25 billion earmarked for future claims of people who developed non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma after being exposed to the product. What do you think?
“It’s a sad day in America when a corporation has to be culpable fo r something.” Norman Hirsch • Unemployed
“Nobody said there wouldn’t be casualties in the war to banish weeds.” Leigh Bianco • Incinerator Technician
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theonion--2020-06-25--Heaven Flush With Cash After Trump Administration Sends $1.4 Billion In Stimulus To Dead Americans

THE HEAVENS—Expressing their excitement over the unexpected windfall , heavenly sources confirmed Thursday that eternal paradise was flush with cash after the Trump administration sent $ 1.4 billion in stimulus funds to dead Americans .
“ I felt a little guilty about spending my check because I didn ’ t really need the money , but I ’ ll admit , it ’ s been nice to go out to eat more and finish up a few DIY projects I ’ ve been working on around the firmament , ” said the departed soul of Henry Davies , telling reporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ buoy the flagging tourism industry for popular afterworld spots like Valhalla and the River Lethe .
“ It ’ s nice to see people out and about in the Kingdom of God spending freely , and we ’ re expecting a second round of stimulus checks soon as well as a massive influx of deceased Americans , so the economy should be booming for the foreseeable future .
It ’ s a great time to be dead !
” Davies went on to admit some frustration that the $ 1,200 per person didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ corporate giveaway Congress had approved for businesses based in Hell .

THE HEAVENS—Expressing their excitement over the unexpected windfall, heavenly sources confirmed Thursday that eternal paradise was flush with cash after the Trump administration sent $1.4 billion in stimulus funds to dead Americans. “I felt a little guilty about spending my check because I didn’t really need the money, but I’ll admit, it’s been nice to go out to eat more and finish up a few DIY projects I’ve been working on around the firmament,” said the departed soul of Henry Davies, telling reporters that the sizable cash infusion had helped buoy the flagging tourism industry for popular afterworld spots like Valhalla and the River Lethe. “It’s nice to see people out and about in the Kingdom of God spending freely, and we’re expecting a second round of stimulus checks soon as well as a massive influx of deceased Americans, so the economy should be booming for the foreseeable future. It’s a great time to be dead!” Davies went on to admit some frustration that the $1,200 per person didn’t come close to the massive corporate giveaway Congress had approved for businesses based in Hell.


theonion--2020-06-25--Jilted Lover Keying Cheater’s Car Realizes She Should Have Started Further Over

CINCINNATI—Reluctantly admitting there was no way to neatly fit the entire string of profanities onto the vehicle now , jilted lover Marcia Yarbury told reporters Thursday that she should have started further over while keying her cheating boyfriend ’ s car .
“ Seriously , why didn ’ t I start closer to the front of the car—I wanted to write ‘ fuck you , cheating bastard , ’ but now I barely have room and the last couple words are all scrunched up and look like shit , ” said Yarbury , who then stepped back , tilted her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ bastard ” was slanting downwards and barely legible .
“ Ugh , it looks like a child scratched those swear words into the paint .
I should have done the smart thing and just used a pencil to sketch what I wanted to carve in the first place .
You know what—maybe if I just turn some of these letters into a giant dick and balls , Sharpie in his phone number , and smash some windows , this might not end up looking so bad.
” At press time , sources @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so frustrated that she ’ d opted to scrap the project entirely and just set the car on fire .

CINCINNATI—Reluctantly admitting there was no way to neatly fit the entire string of profanities onto the vehicle now, jilted lover Marcia Yarbury told reporters Thursday that she should have started further over while keying her cheating boyfriend’s car. “Seriously, why didn’t I start closer to the front of the car—I wanted to write ‘fuck you, cheating bastard,’ but now I barely have room and the last couple words are all scrunched up and look like shit,” said Yarbury, who then stepped back, tilted her head, and screamed after noticing that “bastard” was slanting downwards and barely legible. “Ugh, it looks like a child scratched those swear words into the paint. I should have done the smart thing and just used a pencil to sketch what I wanted to carve in the first place. You know what—maybe if I just turn some of these letters into a giant dick and balls, Sharpie in his phone number, and smash some windows, this might not end up looking so bad.” At press time, sources told reporters that Yarbury had eventually become so frustrated that she’d opted to scrap the project entirely and just set the car on fire.


theonion--2020-06-26--Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth

Mental Health Experts Warn Veterans’ PTSD Can Be Triggered By Sound Of Neighbors Shooting Off Fourth Of July RPGs

We ’ ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the @ @ @ @ @ off high-caliber war weaponry .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

We’ve got the latest tips on how you can celebrate more considerately while still taking part in the annual holiday tradition of shooting off high-caliber war weaponry.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-26--Giant Sahara Desert Dust Plume Headed For U.S.

An unusually dense plume of dust from the Sahara in Northern Africa has traveled across the Atlantic and is blanketing @ @ @ @ @ and lowering air quality as it makes its way toward the United States .
What @ @ @ @ @ Nice try , but you ’ re not gon na trick me into wearing a @ @ @ @ @ as liberal hoaxes go , this one is pretty badass .
”

An unusually dense plume of dust from the Sahara in Northern Africa has traveled across the Atlantic and is blanketing the Caribbean, darkening skies and lowering air quality as it makes its way toward the United States. What do you think?
“Oh, is it massive dust plume season already?” Silas Bergholz • Corn Shucker
“Nice try, but you’re not gonna trick me into wearing a mask.” Kay Richburg • Scooter Messenger
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theonion--2020-06-26--Disney’s Splash Mountain To Be Rethemed As ‘Princess And The Frog’

Disney confirmed Thursday plans to reimagine Splash Mountain , which is based on the 1946 movie Song Of The South @ @ @ @ @ ride following Princess Tiana and her alligator Louis as they travel on a musical adventure @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ Good on Di sney for finally replacing that ride with a property that @ @ @ @ @ “ Had I known the ride was racist I would have never had such a @ @ @ @ @ rode it.
” “ We can ’ t just erase our heritage of Black sharecroppers @ @ @ @ @ ”

Disney confirmed Thursday plans to reimagine Splash Mountain, which is based on the 1946 movie Song Of The South, into a new log-flume ride following Princess Tiana and her alligator Louis as they travel on a musical adventure. What do you think?
“Good on Di sney for finally replacing that ride with a property that’s more merchandisable.” Martin Bucklin • Systems Analyst
“Had I known the ride was racist I would have never had such a blast all the times I rode it.” Janet Teegarden • Rain Collector
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theonion--2020-06-26--‘Remember, You Are Mortal,’ Advisor Says To Garland-Covered Water Reclamation Supervisor During Swea

‘Remember, You Are Mortal,’ Advisor Says To Garland-Covered Water Reclamation Supervisor During Swearing-In Ceremony

ZANESVILLE , OH—Cautioning his superior lest he become intoxicated by power , advisor Greg Dawling reportedly urged newly appointed water @ @ @ @ @ remember that he was mortal during the official ’ s elaborate swearing-in ceremony Friday .
@ @ @ @ @ foolish in your position—this earthly world is still but a passing thing , ” Dawling @ @ @ @ @ s ear as trumpets sounded and a legion of treatment plant operators saluted behind them @ @ @ @ @ , the forces of irrigation and aquifer recharge will be yours alone to command .
@ @ @ @ @ ways are best—hold your power close , and choose when and where to wield it @ @ @ @ @ , all that now stands between you and triumph is your own hubris.
” At @ @ @ @ @ Dawling had withdrawn into the shadows as Frost vowed that the groundwater of Zanesville would @ @ @ @ @ of his enemies .

ZANESVILLE, OH—Cautioning his superior lest he become intoxicated by power, advisor Greg Dawling reportedly urged newly appointed water reclamation supervisor Lee Frost to remember that he was mortal during the official’s elaborate swearing-in ceremony Friday. “Be not vain or foolish in your position—this earthly world is still but a passing thing,” Dawling reportedly whispered into Frost’s ear as trumpets sounded and a legion of treatment plant operators saluted behind them. “At long last, the forces of irrigation and aquifer recharge will be yours alone to command. But still, the subtle ways are best—hold your power close, and choose when and where to wield it for maximum effect. Remember, all that now stands between you and triumph is your own hubris.” At press time, a grimacing Dawling had withdrawn into the shadows as Frost vowed that the groundwater of Zanesville would run red with the blood of his enemies.


theonion--2020-06-26--NASA To Rename Building In Honor of ‘Hidden Figures’ Actress Octavia Spencer

WASHINGTON—Saying the announcement represented the first step in making up for the erasure of a vital part of agency history @ @ @ @ @ to rename their Washington D.C. headquarters in honor of Hidden Figures actress Octavia Spencer .
@ @ @ @ @ vital role she played in bringing the space program back to prominence , I ’ @ @ @ @ @ creation of the Octavia Spencer Center For Aeronautics , ” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine @ @ @ @ @ acknowledging Spencer ’ s clear on-set sacrifices and dedication to bringing a “ sterling depiction @ @ @ @ @ of a black scientist who calculated flight trajectories for Project Mercury and other missions in @ @ @ @ @ is a shameful aspect of our past that we ever ignored Miss Spencer ’ s @ @ @ @ @ focus on the important but widely acknowledged accomplishments of costars like Kevin Costner—and today I @ @ @ @ @ strides toward acknowledging her truly legendary contributions to cinematic history.
” At press time , @ @ @ @ @ remedy another widely criticized misstep by unveiling the Kirsten Dunst Commemorative Launchpad .

WASHINGTON—Saying the announcement represented the first step in making up for the erasure of a vital part of agency history, NASA unveiled plans Friday to rename their Washington D.C. headquarters in honor of Hidden Figures actress Octavia Spencer. “In recognition of the vital role she played in bringing the space program back to prominence, I’m proud to announce the creation of the Octavia Spencer Center For Aeronautics,” said NASA administrator Jim Bridenstine in a press conference, acknowledging Spencer’s clear on-set sacrifices and dedication to bringing a “sterling depiction” to the silver screen of a black scientist who calculated flight trajectories for Project Mercury and other missions in the 1960s. “It is a shameful aspect of our past that we ever ignored Miss Spencer’s powerhouse 2016 performance—instead choosing to focus on the important but widely acknowledged accomplishments of costars like Kevin Costner—and today I’m proud to make strides toward acknowledging her truly legendary contributions to cinematic history.” At press time, the agency went on to remedy another widely criticized misstep by unveiling the Kirsten Dunst Commemorative Launchpad.


theonion--2020-06-26--What’s Behind The Recent Increase In Reports Of Fireworks?

Social media users in cities across the country have posted anecdotal reports that there seem to be many more fireworks @ @ @ @ @ officials , law enforcement , and residents alike to speculate on their source .
The @ @ @ @ @ logical explanations for a recent spike in fireworks .
Ryan ’ s stepdad hooked up @ @ @ @ @ this year .
That was some kiss !
People have nothing better to do these @ @ @ @ @ Immersive advertising campaign to get nation pumped for Fourth of July .
Reduced noise pollution @ @ @ @ @ s natural barrage of mortars three times more audible .
Fireworks set off to train @ @ @ @ @ loud noise made by partner shooting unarmed civilian .

Social media users in cities across the country have posted anecdotal reports that there seem to be many more fireworks than normal, leading city officials, law enforcement, and residents alike to speculate on their source. The Onion looks at the most logical explanations for a recent spike in fireworks.
Morale-boosting performance by Air Force bottle rocket squadron.
Ryan’s stepdad hooked up more people with professional-grade shit this year.
That was some kiss!
People have nothing better to do these days than listen carefully.
Immersive advertising campaign to get nation pumped for Fourth of July.
Reduced noise pollution levels making night sky’s natural barrage of mortars three times more audible.
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Good old-fashioned patriotism.
Fireworks set off to train police not to startle at loud noise made by partner shooting unarmed civilian.
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Occasional natural phenomenon of moon rolling over bubble wrap.
Who’s going to stop us?


theonion--2020-06-26--Most Anticipated Games Of The Summer

Most Anticipated Games Of The Summer

We humans are conscious , but unlike a chair or a tree , we do not have a firm essence @ @ @ @ @ what our existence must be .
Rather , we have free will , an ability @ @ @ @ @ away from various aspects of conscious experience .
One of humanity ’ s defining drives @ @ @ @ @ thus the sense of nausea , which he indicates as the understanding of the nothingness @ @ @ @ @ and the need to attempt to fool oneself into a “ bad faith ” conception @ @ @ @ @ permanent essential core .
Thus , a waiter may behave perfectly as a waiter would @ @ @ @ @ thoughts according to how a waiter should think about a restaurant , even dress precisely @ @ @ @ @ outfit .

We humans are conscious, but unlike a chair or a tree, we do not have a firm essence, one that would define what our existence must be. Rather, we have free will, an ability to incline ourselves toward and away from various aspects of conscious experience. One of humanity’s defining drives, per Sartre, is thus the sense of nausea, which he indicates as the understanding of the nothingness pervading one’s experience and the need to attempt to fool oneself into a “bad faith” conception of oneself as having a permanent essential core. Thus, a waiter may behave perfectly as a waiter would, structure his or her thoughts according to how a waiter should think about a restaurant, even dress precisely in a waiter’s outfit.


theonion--2020-06-29--New Environmentally Friendly Burial Involves Having Your Dead Body Eaten By Wealthy German Man With

New Environmentally Friendly Burial Involves Having Your Dead Body Eaten By Wealthy German Man With Taste For The Exotic

NEW YORK , NY—Explaining how the method generates no carbon emissions or pollution , Rhine Solutions , a new corpse disposal service , unveiled a new environmentally friendly form of burial Friday that involves having your dead body eaten by a wealthy German man who has a taste for the exotic .
“ Upon the customer ’ s death , their body will be shipped to Hamburg , where it will be devoured by Dieter , a prominent business magnate who has , shall we say , an appetite for the taboo , ” said Mark Bentley , head of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dieter , whose palate has evolved beyond standard forms of meat , loves nothing more than sitting down at the dining room table of his remote Bauhaus-style mansion and feasting on his favorite forbidden , succulent delicacy , which he often pairs with a vintage wine .
“ The process creates absolutely no waste , as Dieter is a very hungry fellow who cleans his plate whenever he sits down for one of these special meals before gently dabbing his lips with a satin handkerchief .
What better way to bid farewell to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ oligarch to indulge in his unique gastronomic preferences ?
” At press time , the service had shut down after Dieter died of kuru .

NEW YORK, NY—Explaining how the method generates no carbon emissions or pollution, Rhine Solutions, a new corpse disposal service, unveiled a new environmentally friendly form of burial Friday that involves having your dead body eaten by a wealthy German man who has a taste for the exotic. “Upon the customer’s death, their body will be shipped to Hamburg, where it will be devoured by Dieter, a prominent business magnate who has, shall we say, an appetite for the taboo,” said Mark Bentley, head of communications for the company, explaining how Dieter, whose palate has evolved beyond standard forms of meat, loves nothing more than sitting down at the dining room table of his remote Bauhaus-style mansion and feasting on his favorite forbidden, succulent delicacy, which he often pairs with a vintage wine. “The process creates absolutely no waste, as Dieter is a very hungry fellow who cleans his plate whenever he sits down for one of these special meals before gently dabbing his lips with a satin handkerchief. What better way to bid farewell to your loved one than allowing this stately oligarch to indulge in his unique gastronomic preferences?” At press time, the service had shut down after Dieter died of kuru.


theonion--2020-06-29--Economist Has Great Idea For Sitcom Where Keynesian And Friedmanite Have To Live Together

NEW HAVEN , CT—Revealing that he already had enough story arcs to fill a couple seasons of the show , economist John Stephens confirmed to sources Monday that he has a great idea for a sitcom where a Keynesian and a Friedmanite have to live together .
“ So get this : Doug and Jeff have totally opposite beliefs about macroeconomic theory and what drives economic cycles—think of all the hijinks in their conflicting approaches to buying a new dishwasher alone , ” said the excited economist , who added that he was thinking of titling the multi-camera half-hour comedy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , noise , and exchange-rate flexibility It ’ s The Economy , Stupid , and ideally that Simon Helberg and Neil Patrick Harris would star .
“ I have a buddy in Hollywood who I sent my pilot to , and I don ’ t see how they couldn ’ t give this a full run .
Just imagine the arguments : ‘ Oh , you demand that I clean the dishwasher ?
You don ’ t know anything about demand !
’ You ’ d have the Friedmanite , Doug , trying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to earn money through supply-side market manipulation .
And when the Keynesian , Jeff , is trying to find a job , Doug keeps telling him that the government doesn ’ t owe him employment .
But of course they ’ d learn things from each other too over the course of the show—the Keynesian would soften his stance on aggregate demand , and the Friedmanite would admit that maybe he could stand to be a little bit more understanding about deregulation .
They ’ ll also have this crazy Hispanic communist neighbor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get to move out .
Plus we could get cool guest stars , like Alan Greenspan !
” At press time , the studio had passed over Stephens ’ sitcom idea in favor of a single-camera show by a psychologist where a Freudian and a Skinnerian have to live together .

NEW HAVEN, CT—Revealing that he already had enough story arcs to fill a couple seasons of the show, economist John Stephens confirmed to sources Monday that he has a great idea for a sitcom where a Keynesian and a Friedmanite have to live together. “So get this: Doug and Jeff have totally opposite beliefs about macroeconomic theory and what drives economic cycles—think of all the hijinks in their conflicting approaches to buying a new dishwasher alone,” said the excited economist, who added that he was thinking of titling the multi-camera half-hour comedy about the two acolytes squabbling over chores, noise, and exchange-rate flexibility It’s The Economy, Stupid, and ideally that Simon Helberg and Neil Patrick Harris would star. “I have a buddy in Hollywood who I sent my pilot to, and I don’t see how they couldn’t give this a full run. Just imagine the arguments: ‘Oh, you demand that I clean the dishwasher? You don’t know anything about demand!’ You’d have the Friedmanite, Doug, trying out all these crazy schemes to try to earn money through supply-side market manipulation. And when the Keynesian, Jeff, is trying to find a job, Doug keeps telling him that the government doesn’t owe him employment. But of course they’d learn things from each other too over the course of the show—the Keynesian would soften his stance on aggregate demand, and the Friedmanite would admit that maybe he could stand to be a little bit more understanding about deregulation. They’ll also have this crazy Hispanic communist neighbor who both of them are constantly trying to get to move out. Plus we could get cool guest stars, like Alan Greenspan!” At press time, the studio had passed over Stephens’ sitcom idea in favor of a single-camera show by a psychologist where a Freudian and a Skinnerian have to live together.


theonion--2020-06-29--Russian Bathhouse Guest Having Trouble Relaxing Over Sound Of Eastern-European Gangsters Planning As

Russian Bathhouse Guest Having Trouble Relaxing Over Sound Of Eastern-European Gangsters Planning Assassinations

NEW YORK—Explaining how difficult it was to decompress when they were openly discussing planting weapons and arranging for escape vehicles , Mark Stewart , a guest at a Russian bathhouse , was reportedly struggling to relax Monday over the sound of nearby Eastern European gangsters planning assassinations .
“ I came here for a nice , calming schvitz , but it ’ s impossible to unwind when those imposing Slavic men over there keep mentioning that ‘ Dimitry needs to be taken care of ’ every five minutes , ” said Stewart who grew increasingly tense while overhearing Belorussian criminals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and loudly talking about how they need to go about it subtly in order to avoid starting a turf war with the Chechens .
“ I thought I could at least have a few minutes in the hot tub to myself , but then two of them came in and started speaking in Russian or something as they had a ceremonial drink of vodka to finalize the plans .
Seriously , I barely got the chance to enjoy my visit , since even the guy giving me the massage with the eucalyptus branches @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two bullets in the back of some guy named Ilyich ’ s head.
” At press time , the Eastern Europeans were reportedly worried that the stranger in their bathhouse knew too much and began making plans to “ deal with him .
”

NEW YORK—Explaining how difficult it was to decompress when they were openly discussing planting weapons and arranging for escape vehicles, Mark Stewart, a guest at a Russian bathhouse, was reportedly struggling to relax Monday over the sound of nearby Eastern European gangsters planning assassinations. “I came here for a nice, calming schvitz, but it’s impossible to unwind when those imposing Slavic men over there keep mentioning that ‘Dimitry needs to be taken care of’ every five minutes,” said Stewart who grew increasingly tense while overhearing Belorussian criminals arranging a gang-related murder in the sauna and loudly talking about how they need to go about it subtly in order to avoid starting a turf war with the Chechens. “I thought I could at least have a few minutes in the hot tub to myself, but then two of them came in and started speaking in Russian or something as they had a ceremonial drink of vodka to finalize the plans. Seriously, I barely got the chance to enjoy my visit, since even the guy giving me the massage with the eucalyptus branches wouldn’t shut up about putting two bullets in the back of some guy named Ilyich’s head.” At press time, the Eastern Europeans were reportedly worried that the stranger in their bathhouse knew too much and began making plans to “deal with him.”


theonion--2020-06-29--Judge Rules Devin Nunes Can’t Sue Twitter Over Cow Parody Account

A judge has ruled that California representative Devin Nunes can not sue Twitter for $ 250 million as part of @ @ @ @ @ is behind the two parody accounts “ Devin Nunes ’ Cow ” and “ Devin @ @ @ @ @ stating the platform is not liable for what its users post .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ a stranger impersonated your cow online .
Doesn ’ t feel so good , does @ @ @ @ @ ’ m sure they ’ ll stop eventually if he keeps letting them know how @ @ @ @ @ Sounds to me like that judge is begging to be sued .
”

A judge has ruled that California representative Devin Nunes cannot sue Twitter for $250 million as part of his quest to discover who is behind the two parody accounts “Devin Nunes’ Cow” and “Devin Nunes’ Mom,” stating the platform is not liable for what its users post. What do you think?
“Imagine if a stranger impersonated your cow online. Doesn’t feel so good, does it?” Robin Maradia • Chemical Mixer
“I’m sure they’ll stop eventually if he keeps letting them know how rattled he is.” Stu Whisnant • Tassel Braider
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theonion--2020-07-01--Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It

Come On: Someone Just Spray-Painted ‘Gamers Rule’ On The Taj Mahal And, While We Generally Agree, It’s Pretty Messed Up To Deface A Cultural Landmark

Gamers , ever since our founding , we have prided ourselves on advancing the position that video games are great .
We are not neutral on this subject , nor have we allowed ourselves to ever falter in letting the world know that games and the people who play them are awesome .
Yet , a recent incident in Agra , India has forced our hand .
Earlier this morning , someone spray-painted “ GAMERS RULE ” across the entire front of the Taj Mahal , and while we generally agree with this sentiment , we have to stand up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ messed up thing to deface a landmark with this much cultural value .
It ’ s not that we don ’ t sympathize with loving video games and gamers .
We really do .
It ’ s just that the whole facade of the Taj Mahal is probably not the best medium to communicate that idea .
Look , you know us .
We fervently believe that gamers rule , and we understand why the graffiti ’ s author would get the irrepressible feeling that more people should know this .
But this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 400 years of history we ’ re talking about .
The message scrawled onto it could be anything and we would still condemn it .
If someone had spray-painted “ game are bad ” over its famous Mughal architecture , we would immediately issue a statement decrying this sentiment .
In fact , we would condemn it more .
Now , are there reasons to support the anonymous author of this 500-foot-wide message ?
Of course .
The Taj Mahal attracts eight million visitors per year , and each and every one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vital message that gamers rule .
It ’ s a fact that needs to be disseminated as far and wide as possible in these trying times .
Perhaps gamers from around the globe will even travel to Uttar Pradesh and gather in the building ’ s shadow to take in the “ GAMERS RULE ” graffiti and pay tribute to our gaming community .
Nonetheless , there had to have been a better way to express this feeling than scrawling it across Emperor Shah Jahan ’ s tomb to his wife Mumtaz Mahal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what it would be like if someone broke into your house overnight and keyed “ Stephen King Is Great ” into your Xbox , PS4 , or Switch .
Would you like that ?
Of course not .
No one has the right to deface your most beloved object .
And that ’ s exactly what the curators and devotees of the Taj Mahal are feeling now .
With that said , we obviously condemn the Indian government for employing a team of restorers and antiquity experts to wash away the message—a blatant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when more people than ever before need to see the phrase , “ GAMERS RULE.
” In this sense , we stand in solidarity with this graffiti ’ s anonymous author and aim to file a petition for the UN to make the words “ GAMERS RULE ” a permanent part of the Taj Mahal .

Gamers, ever since our founding, we have prided ourselves on advancing the position that video games are great. We are not neutral on this subject, nor have we allowed ourselves to ever falter in letting the world know that games and the people who play them are awesome. Yet, a recent incident in Agra, India has forced our hand. Earlier this morning, someone spray-painted “GAMERS RULE” across the entire front of the Taj Mahal, and while we generally agree with this sentiment, we have to stand up to say it’s a pretty messed up thing to deface a landmark with this much cultural value.
It’s not that we don’t sympathize with loving video games and gamers. We really do. It’s just that the whole facade of the Taj Mahal is probably not the best medium to communicate that idea.
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Look, you know us. We fervently believe that gamers rule, and we understand why the graffiti’s author would get the irrepressible feeling that more people should know this. But this is a UNESCO heritage site with nearly 400 years of history we’re talking about. The message scrawled onto it could be anything and we would still condemn it. If someone had spray-painted “game are bad” over its famous Mughal architecture, we would immediately issue a statement decrying this sentiment. In fact, we would condemn it more.
Now, are there reasons to support the anonymous author of this 500-foot-wide message? Of course. The Taj Mahal attracts eight million visitors per year, and each and every one of them will now be conscious of the vital message that gamers rule. It’s a fact that needs to be disseminated as far and wide as possible in these trying times. Perhaps gamers from around the globe will even travel to Uttar Pradesh and gather in the building’s shadow to take in the “GAMERS RULE” graffiti and pay tribute to our gaming community.
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Nonetheless, there had to have been a better way to express this feeling than scrawling it across Emperor Shah Jahan’s tomb to his wife Mumtaz Mahal. As a thought experiment, consider what it would be like if someone broke into your house overnight and keyed “Stephen King Is Great” into your Xbox, PS4, or Switch. Would you like that? Of course not. No one has the right to deface your most beloved object. And that’s exactly what the curators and devotees of the Taj Mahal are feeling now.
With that said, we obviously condemn the Indian government for employing a team of restorers and antiquity experts to wash away the message—a blatant erasure of gaming history in an era when more people than ever before need to see the phrase, “GAMERS RULE.” In this sense, we stand in solidarity with this graffiti’s anonymous author and aim to file a petition for the UN to make the words “GAMERS RULE” a permanent part of the Taj Mahal.


theonion--2020-07-01--Friends Camping Out In Woods Just Happy To Escape The Daily Grind Of Federal Prison

CLEARVILLE , PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward , a group of longtime friends camping out in the woods confirmed Wednesday that they were just happy to escape the daily grind of federal prison .
“ It sounds like the simplest thing in the world , but it ’ s unbelievably nice to sit by the lake and think your own thoughts for an afternoon without the rigid structure of penitentiary life , ” said convict Jesse Howell , who like his friends claimed that sitting against a tree feeling the breeze in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the rat race of roll call , meals , and 15 minutes in the yard .
“ My pals and I have been planning a trip like this for five to seven years , so it ’ s nice to finally kick back and bask in the beauty of the natural world .
Just look at all these stars—you can ’ t even see them back at The House , what with the light pollution and the 12 inches of reinforced concrete.
” Howell added that despite their efforts to stay “ off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ probably only last a few more days before they were called back to address mundane concerns , such as the three guards they murdered while setting out .

CLEARVILLE, PA—Acknowledging that getting the chance to relax in nature was its own reward, a group of longtime friends camping out in the woods confirmed Wednesday that they were just happy to escape the daily grind of federal prison. “It sounds like the simplest thing in the world, but it’s unbelievably nice to sit by the lake and think your own thoughts for an afternoon without the rigid structure of penitentiary life,” said convict Jesse Howell, who like his friends claimed that sitting against a tree feeling the breeze in his hair was a nice change from the rat race of roll call, meals, and 15 minutes in the yard. “My pals and I have been planning a trip like this for five to seven years, so it’s nice to finally kick back and bask in the beauty of the natural world. Just look at all these stars—you can’t even see them back at The House, what with the light pollution and the 12 inches of reinforced concrete.” Howell added that despite their efforts to stay “off the grid,” their respite would probably only last a few more days before they were called back to address mundane concerns, such as the three guards they murdered while setting out.


theonion--2020-07-01--Teenage Boy Fears Girlfriend Will Pressure Him Into Showering Before He Ready

RALEIGH , NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared , 16-year-old @ @ @ @ @ fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering .
“ I know we ’ @ @ @ @ @ few months now , but just because she might want me to use shampoo , @ @ @ @ @ and stuff doesn ’ t mean I ’ m ready to do so , ” @ @ @ @ @ , adding that his girlfriend was one year older and evidently much more experienced when @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Look , I respect women , and I respect her choices as far @ @ @ @ @ , but I ’ m not 100 % quite there yet .
Maybe when we @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll feel ready , but right now , I want to enjoy high school @ @ @ @ @ my teeth every day.
” Garcia and his girlfriend have reportedly been on a break @ @ @ @ @ washer in her shower .

RALEIGH, NC—Admitting that basic hygiene was something for which he was simply both mentally and physically unprepared, 16-year-old Langston Garcia confessed Wednesday to fearing that his girlfriend would pressure him into showering. “I know we’ve been dating for a few months now, but just because she might want me to use shampoo, body soap, deodorant, and stuff doesn’t mean I’m ready to do so,” said the high school junior, adding that his girlfriend was one year older and evidently much more experienced when it came to physical hygiene. “Look, I respect women, and I respect her choices as far as bathing and smelling good, but I’m not 100% quite there yet. Maybe when we’re in college I’ll feel ready, but right now, I want to enjoy high school without the pressure of brushing my teeth every day.” Garcia and his girlfriend have reportedly been on a break after he found a back washer in her shower.


Best Recipe Blogs

Blogs for recipes have exploded in popularity over the past several years , with everyone from professional chefs to self-trained cooks providing recipes , inspiration , and tips to the foodie community .
The Onion takes a look at the best recipe blogs on the internet .
Serious Eats : This soberly written publication , which eschews the frivolity of pictures , is not for those seeking flourish , but rather the refined epicurist who understands the gravity food preparation requires .
Minimalist Baker : Offers mainly gluten-free and vegan recipes that can all be completely botched in under 30 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : Nothing but water-boiling tips and tricks for those who just can ’ t get enough scalding-hot aqua !
Kitchn : Daily articles on food and lifestyle that its founders desperately hope will keep you coming back even after you ’ ve learned to make two or three passably good dishes .
Gim me Some Oven : One of the most widely followed and successful food blogs despite only having a single post from 2008 about how to cook beans .
My Baking Addiction : Decadent dessert recipes that are way too much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sure , their delicious recipes will last you 52 days out of the year , but good luck when they leave you utterly helpless over the course of the remaining 313 .
Cute Love Kindly Spiced : A woman named Kenzie shares photos of her blond children posing inside her 4,500-square-foot house and never mentions food once .

Blogs for recipes have exploded in popularity over the past several years, with everyone from professional chefs to self-trained cooks providing recipes, inspiration, and tips to the foodie community. The Onion takes a look at the best recipe blogs on the internet.
Serious Eats: This soberly written publication, which eschews the frivolity of pictures, is not for those seeking flourish, but rather the refined epicurist who understands the gravity food preparation requires.
Advertisement
Minimalist Baker: Offers mainly gluten-free and vegan recipes that can all be completely botched in under 30 minutes.
Water Boiler’s Paradise: Nothing but water-boiling tips and tricks for those who just can’t get enough scalding-hot aqua!
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Kitchn: Daily articles on food and lifestyle that its founders desperately hope will keep you coming back even after you’ve learned to make two or three passably good dishes.
Gimme Some Oven: One of the most widely followed and successful food blogs despite only having a single post from 2008 about how to cook beans.
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My Baking Addiction: Decadent dessert recipes that are way too much work to be habit-forming.
Food52: Sure, their delicious recipes will last you 52 days out of the year, but good luck when they leave you utterly helpless over the course of the remaining 313.
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Cute Love Kindly Spiced: A woman named Kenzie shares photos of her blond children posing inside her 4,500-square-foot house and never mentions food once.


theonion--2020-06-30--God Sends Sympathy Card After Killing Man’s Wife

THE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man ’ s profound grief after his loss , God , @ @ @ @ @ sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife @ @ @ @ @ this time of mourning to express My deepest condolences for you and everything I ’ @ @ @ @ @ ” wrote the Lord Almighty in a heartfelt note signed by several archangels that arrived @ @ @ @ @ evening after his wife lost a lengthy and painful battle with stage four nodular lymphoma @ @ @ @ @ you have been through last year with Me taking your parents , I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ experiencing feels unbearable .
But know that everything you and your remaining family has suffered @ @ @ @ @ plan .
Thinking of you in this difficult time.
” Sources confirmed that God went @ @ @ @ @ assuring Harris that his wife was in a far better place with Him .

THE HEAVENS—In a kind gesture intended to address the man’s profound grief after his loss, God, Our Heavenly Father, reportedly sent a sympathy card Tuesday to 56-year-old Arizona resident Greg Harris after killing his wife. “Reaching out in this time of mourning to express My deepest condolences for you and everything I’ve taken from you,” wrote the Lord Almighty in a heartfelt note signed by several archangels that arrived at Harris’ home the evening after his wife lost a lengthy and painful battle with stage four nodular lymphoma. “After all that you have been through last year with Me taking your parents, I’m sure what you’re experiencing feels unbearable. But know that everything you and your remaining family has suffered is part of My divine plan. Thinking of you in this difficult time.” Sources confirmed that God went on to append a postscript assuring Harris that his wife was in a far better place with Him.


theonion--2020-06-30--CEO Likes To Think Of Company As One Big Manson Family

NEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he ’ d helped foster , CEO Tony Vanders of regional communications Vandcorp Media told reporters Tuesday that he has always thought of his company as one big Manson family .
“ I know it ’ s something of a cliché , but I honestly consider my employees to be close , tightly knit , utterly devoted cadre of loyal followers who take my every word as absolute authority , ” said the executive , claiming the bonds he shared with his workers weren ’ t unlike those of a fanatical commune @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve got all the typical Manson Family dynamics .
I ’ m the paternal figure who keeps his subordinates in a stupor of exhaustion and confusion in order to make them particularly malleable to his twisted whims .
Alice Fendelman is our parallel to Squeaky Fromme , who uses the pretense of taking care of the family members to ensure no one acts against the family interests—naturally , she ’ s our HR director .
As for the rest , I have no doubt they ’ d kill for me if asked , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ individual humanity long ago.
” Vanders added that he originally started his company to punish his underlings and the world at large for his lack of artistic success .

NEW YORK—Expressing his affection for the close-knit community he’d helped foster, CEO Tony Vanders of regional communications Vandcorp Media told reporters Tuesday that he has always thought of his company as one big Manson family. “I know it’s something of a cliché, but I honestly consider my employees to be close, tightly knit, utterly devoted cadre of loyal followers who take my every word as absolute authority,” said the executive, claiming the bonds he shared with his workers weren’t unlike those of a fanatical commune of brainwashed zealots. “We’ve got all the typical Manson Family dynamics. I’m the paternal figure who keeps his subordinates in a stupor of exhaustion and confusion in order to make them particularly malleable to his twisted whims. Alice Fendelman is our parallel to Squeaky Fromme, who uses the pretense of taking care of the family members to ensure no one acts against the family interests—naturally, she’s our HR director. As for the rest, I have no doubt they’d kill for me if asked, seeing as I stripped them of their individual humanity long ago.” Vanders added that he originally started his company to punish his underlings and the world at large for his lack of artistic success.


theonion--2020-07-02--So-Called Vegetarian Always Kills, Devours Chicken Whole Whenever She’s Drunk

DENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings ’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights and ethical eating , friends of the 23-year-old graduate student told reporters Thursday that the self-described “ vegetarian , ” in fact , kills and devours a chicken whole whenever she is drunk .
“ Sarah talks big about caring about animals , but after just a few beers , she ’ s catching a chicken , slitting its throat , and ripping it limb from limb with her teeth , ” said close friend Aaron Wright , adding that he has heard enough of Hasting ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ factory farming and the environmental damage caused by meat consumption to smell hypocrisy when he saw her stumble from a bar with a pair of half-dead chickens struggling feebly in her hands .
“ I ’ ve seen the boxes of feathers and chicken entrails under her couch , but when I mention it , she just gives me a knowing look and grins at me through the chicken blood .
Now , look , obviously I ’ m fine with that , nothing wrong with decapitating and eating chickens all day every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that gets to me.
” Hastings has also claimed that she was still meat-free despite taking a “ cheat day ” once a month to jump the fence at a nearby farm , use a bolt gun on the first cow she came across , and feast on the warm brains and marrow .

DENVER—Expressing skepticism regarding Sarah Hastings’ holier-than-thou proclamations of support for animal rights and ethical eating, friends of the 23-year-old graduate student told reporters Thursday that the self-described “vegetarian,” in fact, kills and devours a chicken whole whenever she is drunk. “Sarah talks big about caring about animals, but after just a few beers, she’s catching a chicken, slitting its throat, and ripping it limb from limb with her teeth,” said close friend Aaron Wright, adding that he has heard enough of Hasting’s interminable lectures about the cruelty of factory farming and the environmental damage caused by meat consumption to smell hypocrisy when he saw her stumble from a bar with a pair of half-dead chickens struggling feebly in her hands. “I’ve seen the boxes of feathers and chicken entrails under her couch, but when I mention it, she just gives me a knowing look and grins at me through the chicken blood. Now, look, obviously I’m fine with that, nothing wrong with decapitating and eating chickens all day every day. It’s her hypocrisy that gets to me.” Hastings has also claimed that she was still meat-free despite taking a “cheat day” once a month to jump the fence at a nearby farm, use a bolt gun on the first cow she came across, and feast on the warm brains and marrow.


theonion--2020-07-03--Sleep: Myth Vs. Fact

Sleep: Myth Vs. Fact

When it comes to how and why people sleep , there are many existing misconceptions that people regard as fact and that influence their behavior .
The Onion clears up some common myths about sleep .
MYTH : Counting sheep is an effective way to fall asleep .
FACT : Counting sheep works as long as you don ’ t get engrossed by the rich detail and fascinating nuances of each individual sheep .
MYTH : Your brain is inactive during sleep .
FACT : Your brain uses those precious hours to pursue its own interests and hobbies .
MYTH @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or more per night .
FACT : Doctors didn ’ t just come across this insane 26-minute YouTube video about ancient Japanese knife restoration at 1:30 a.m .
MYTH : You eat seven spiders per year in your sleep .
FACT : All spiders safely leave your mouth after laying their eggs .
MYTH : Excessive daytime sleepiness always means you ’ re not getting enough sleep .
FACT : Often , it ’ s simply the result of being bored by the life you ’ ve created for yourself .
MYTH : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ foster a better sleep environment .
FACT : Only if you get those devices from our referral links or our site partners at TheInventory.com .
MYTH : People need fewer hours of sleep as they get older .
FACT : People should get more sleep as they age to gradually acclimate themselves to death .

When it comes to how and why people sleep, there are many existing misconceptions that people regard as fact and that influence their behavior. The Onion clears up some common myths about sleep.
MYTH: Counting sheep is an effective way to fall asleep.
FACT: Counting sheep works as long as you don’t get engrossed by the rich detail and fascinating nuances of each individual sheep.
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MYTH: Your brain is inactive during sleep.
FACT: Your brain uses those precious hours to pursue its own interests and hobbies.
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MYTH: Doctors recommend eight hours of sleep or more per night.
FACT: Doctors didn’t just come across this insane 26-minute YouTube video about ancient Japanese knife restoration at 1:30 a.m.
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MYTH: You eat seven spiders per year in your sleep.
FACT: All spiders safely leave your mouth after laying their eggs.
MYTH: Excessive daytime sleepiness always means you’re not getting enough sleep.
FACT: Often, it’s simply the result of being bored by the life you’ve created for yourself.
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MYTH: Devices like white noise machines can help foster a better sleep environment.
FACT: Only if you get those devices from our referral links or our site partners at TheInventory.com.
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MYTH: People need fewer hours of sleep as they get older.
FACT: People should get more sleep as they age to gradually acclimate themselves to death.


theonion--2020-07-03--‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstormin

‘Yeah, We Could Invite Friends Over And Call It A Supper Club!’ Says Couple Unknowingly Brainstorming End Of Own Relationship

TUCSON , AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and maybe even learn a few things about cooking , Arizona couple Brendon Tossier and Melissa Guilford spent Friday enthusiastically discussing plans to “ invite friends over and call it a supper club ” as they unknowingly brainstormed the end of their five-year relationship .
“ We could send out nice invites to all our friends , laying out a culinary theme so that everyone brings a dessert or side dish or even a craft cocktail , ” said the visibly excited @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that would bring their romantic life together to a catastrophic halt in front of their closest friends .
“ You could serve a different cuisine every time : Japanese , Persian , Hawaiian .
It ’ d be such a cool way to learn about all these different food cultures .
Light some candles , put a few records on [ and create the perfect stage for the last desperate gasps of our love life to die on ] .
Let ’ s start throwing a guest list together tonight !
” Tossier @ @ @ @ @ @ @ artistic coworker ” who would be a perfect dinner party guest , inadvertently introducing the man who would replace him .

TUCSON, AZ—Stressing that group dining could be a great way to bring together their disparate social groups and maybe even learn a few things about cooking, Arizona couple Brendon Tossier and Melissa Guilford spent Friday enthusiastically discussing plans to “invite friends over and call it a supper club” as they unknowingly brainstormed the end of their five-year relationship. “We could send out nice invites to all our friends, laying out a culinary theme so that everyone brings a dessert or side dish or even a craft cocktail,” said the visibly excited couple, unwittingly devising the self-imposed torture that would bring their romantic life together to a catastrophic halt in front of their closest friends. “You could serve a different cuisine every time: Japanese, Persian, Hawaiian. It’d be such a cool way to learn about all these different food cultures. Light some candles, put a few records on [and create the perfect stage for the last desperate gasps of our love life to die on]. Let’s start throwing a guest list together tonight!” Tossier almost immediately mentioned his “friendly, artistic coworker” who would be a perfect dinner party guest, inadvertently introducing the man who would replace him.


theonion--2020-07-04--The Onion’s Independence Day Fireworks Spectacular

Excuse me , sorry , I ’ m looking for my son .
I—I just took my eye off him @ @ @ @ @ must have wandered off .
He ’ s wearing a Thomas shirt and light-up sneakers @ @ @ @ @ JOSHIE !
!
!
Sorry , have you seen a blond little boy with a @ @ @ @ @ !
!
!

Excuse me, sorry, I’m looking for my son. I—I just took my eye off him for a second and he must have wandered off. He’s wearing a Thomas shirt and light-up sneakers. JOSHUA!!! JOSHIE!!! Sorry, have you seen a blond little boy with a blue Thomas shirt? JOSHUA!!!


theonion--2020-07-04--Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Pro

Man Doing Whippet While Setting Off M-80 In Woods Behind Hardee’s Takes Moment To Reflect On How Promise Of Freedom Yet Unfulfilled

NORPHLET , AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions , solemn and somber local man Maxwell Baker reportedly took a moment while doing whippets and setting off M-80s in the woods behind Hardee ’ s Saturday to reflect upon the unfulfilled promise of American freedom .
“ This nation was conceived as a city on a hill , yet we ’ re still generations away from achieving that founding vision , ” said Baker , tossing an empty canister of Reddi-wip to the ground as he stood amongst a cluster of trees off the expressway @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Independence Day .
“ It ’ s important to remember these noble ideals we ’ re celebrating are just that—ideals , and not a reality we ’ ve brought forth upon this land .
We ’ re more than 200 years into this so-called ‘ grand experiment , ’ and what do we have to show for it ?
Mass incarceration ?
Economic inequality ?
Unending racial injustice ?
True liberty is enjoyed only by the wealthy and the privileged.
” At press time , Baker was meditating on the inseparable relationship between @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Hardee ’ s parking lot to see what would happen if he tied the fuses of a couple M-80s together and set them off in a dumpster .

NORPHLET, AR—Breathing deeply of nitrous oxide as he listened to the powerful explosions, solemn and somber local man Maxwell Baker reportedly took a moment while doing whippets and setting off M-80s in the woods behind Hardee’s Saturday to reflect upon the unfulfilled promise of American freedom. “This nation was conceived as a city on a hill, yet we’re still generations away from achieving that founding vision,” said Baker, tossing an empty canister of Reddi-wip to the ground as he stood amongst a cluster of trees off the expressway and ruminated on the true meaning of Independence Day. “It’s important to remember these noble ideals we’re celebrating are just that—ideals, and not a reality we’ve brought forth upon this land. We’re more than 200 years into this so-called ‘grand experiment,’ and what do we have to show for it? Mass incarceration? Economic inequality? Unending racial injustice? True liberty is enjoyed only by the wealthy and the privileged.” At press time, Baker was meditating on the inseparable relationship between capitalism and oppression while heading down to the Hardee’s parking lot to see what would happen if he tied the fuses of a couple M-80s together and set them off in a dumpster.


theonion--2020-07-04--Police Department Celebrates Fourth Of July By Using Fireworks For Crowd Control

NEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image , the New York @ @ @ @ @ Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control .
“ We ’ re hoping @ @ @ @ @ us all come together as a community to celebrate this great nation by shooting Roman @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Commissioner Dermot F. Shea , telling reporters that the department had a @ @ @ @ @ at their disposal with which to subdue suspects .
“ We ’ ve already gotten @ @ @ @ @ the chance to ooh and ahh at those brilliant plumes of red , white , @ @ @ @ @ faces of a cluster of marchers .
In fact , the officers have been having @ @ @ @ @ might make it an annual tradition !
” At press time , Shea had been @ @ @ @ @ an officer was filmed driving over a protester with a star-spangled parade float .

NEW YORK—In an effort to ease tensions with the public and restore their tarnished public image, the New York Police Department reportedly commemorated Independence Day this week by using fireworks for crowd control. “We’re hoping this festive display will help us all come together as a community to celebrate this great nation by shooting Roman candles into gatherings of protestors,” said Commissioner Dermot F. Shea, telling reporters that the department had a full artillery of stunning pyrotechnics at their disposal with which to subdue suspects. “We’ve already gotten a wonderful response from getting the chance to ooh and ahh at those brilliant plumes of red, white, and blue exploding into the faces of a cluster of marchers. In fact, the officers have been having so much fun, we might make it an annual tradition!” At press time, Shea had been forced to address complaints after an officer was filmed driving over a protester with a star-spangled parade float.


theonion--2020-07-06--Kanye West Announces Plan To Run For President

In a July 4th tweet , Kanye West announced his intention to run for president , though he has missed @ @ @ @ @ on the ballot and has yet to file any official paperwork .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ there wer en ’ t already enough great candidates to choose from !
” “ @ @ @ @ @ all picked up weird new hobbies in quarantine.
” “ I don ’ t know @ @ @ @ @ for a much more qualified joke candidate to throw away my vote on .
”

In a July 4th tweet, Kanye West announced his intention to run for president, though he has missed several state deadlines to appear on the ballot and has yet to file any official paperwork. What do you think?
“As if there wer en’t already enough great candidates to choose from!” Thomas Korins • Zoo Plumber
“Yeah, we’ve all picked up weird new hobbies in quarantine.” Bethany Fine • Francophile
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theonion--2020-07-06--Trump Slaughters Dozens Of American Troops In Hopes Of Cashing In On Russian Bounties

BAGRAM , AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan , President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing in on the bounties .
“ Once I heard Russia was paying out these six-figure sums for dead American soldiers , I knew I couldn ’ t leave that kind of money lying on the table , ” said Trump , remarking that his position as commander in chief gave him full access to U.S. military movements , which meant he had no trouble selecting targets @ @ @ @ @ @ @ slept .
“ We weren ’ t about to walk away from a deal like that .
Not on my watch .
All we had to do is send in some planes , bomb a few of our bases , and tell the Russians where to send the payment .
Believe me , no other president has handled Russia the way I have .
No one.
” At press time , Republican lawmakers defended Trump ’ s decision , stating that the president ’ s methods might be unconventional , but collecting bounties @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was good for the economy .

BAGRAM, AFGHANISTAN—Following intelligence reports that Moscow offered to pay Taliban-linked militants to kill coalition forces in Afghanistan, President Donald Trump reportedly slaughtered dozens of U.S. service members Monday in hopes of cashing in on the bounties. “Once I heard Russia was paying out these six-figure sums for dead American soldiers, I knew I couldn’t leave that kind of money lying on the table,” said Trump, remarking that his position as commander in chief gave him full access to U.S. military movements, which meant he had no trouble selecting targets and taking out the troops while they slept. “We weren’t about to walk away from a deal like that. Not on my watch. All we had to do is send in some planes, bomb a few of our bases, and tell the Russians where to send the payment. Believe me, no other president has handled Russia the way I have. No one.” At press time, Republican lawmakers defended Trump’s decision, stating that the president’s methods might be unconventional, but collecting bounties placed on the heads of American troops was good for the economy.


theonion--2020-07-06--Researchers Warn Coronavirus May Use Propeller Hat To Stay Airborne

ATLANTA—Contradicting previous studies on the virus ’ s transmission , researchers from Emory University released a report Monday warning that @ @ @ @ @ to stay airborne .
“ New evidence shows the coronavirus may be donning colorful caps @ @ @ @ @ at a time , ” said study co-author Dr. Taylor Merz , who condemned the @ @ @ @ @ to report that the virus simply spins out of control and crashes onto the floor @ @ @ @ @ ’ s mouth .
“ Top epidemiologists from around the globe have concluded that the @ @ @ @ @ is 100 % functional .
There have also been cases in which mutated strains of @ @ @ @ @ in the air by chewing a large wad of gum and blowing up a big @ @ @ @ @ to bounce off the walls .
This is far more dangerous than we ever could @ @ @ @ @ time , Merz added that the researchers had discovered additional evidence that the virus could @ @ @ @ @ while cruising around with its friends on inline skates .

ATLANTA—Contradicting previous studies on the virus’s transmission, researchers from Emory University released a report Monday warning that Covid-19 may use propeller hats to stay airborne. “New evidence shows the coronavirus may be donning colorful caps to hover indoors for hours at a time,” said study co-author Dr. Taylor Merz, who condemned the World Health Organization for continuing to report that the virus simply spins out of control and crashes onto the floor after exiting an infected person’s mouth. “Top epidemiologists from around the globe have concluded that the virus’s propeller hat is 100% functional. There have also been cases in which mutated strains of Covid-19 have been documented floating in the air by chewing a large wad of gum and blowing up a big bubble or using moon shoes to bounce off the walls. This is far more dangerous than we ever could have imagined.” At press time, Merz added that the researchers had discovered additional evidence that the virus could linger on surfaces for days while cruising around with its friends on inline skates.


theonion--2020-07-06--FBI Agent Desperately Trying To Remember Why They Have File On Eugene Levy Again

WASHINGTON—Searching his memory for what precisely launched the investigation back in the early ’ 70s , FBI Agent Richard Lang reportedly spent Monday afternoon trying to remember why the agency has a file on Eugene Levy .
“ On the one hand , I ’ m sure there ’ s a reason that we started keeping thousands of pages of records on a comedic actor like this , but I also can ’ t remember anyone ever specifically pinning down what Eugene Levy did to justify spending millions of dollars every year on a surveillance operation dedicated to his every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ through a decades-spanning folder containing exhaustive reports on taped phone calls , clandestine filming of the actor ’ s homes in Los Angeles and Florida , and undercover accounts from FBI field agents posing as extras in the background of SCTV sketches , National Lampoon ’ s Vacation , Waiting For Guffman , American Pie , Multiplicity , and Schitt ’ s Creek .
“ Obviously , he was in a bunch of Christopher Guest movies , and perhaps those were considered pretty subversive at the time .
But I still don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to coerce his own daughter [ Sarah Levy ] to flip and wear a wire any time they get dinner together .
Huh .
I ’ m just stumped here.
” At press time , Lang had decided to keep the file open after discovering Levy was both Jewish and Canadian .

WASHINGTON—Searching his memory for what precisely launched the investigation back in the early ’70s, FBI Agent Richard Lang reportedly spent Monday afternoon trying to remember why the agency has a file on Eugene Levy. “On the one hand, I’m sure there’s a reason that we started keeping thousands of pages of records on a comedic actor like this, but I also can’t remember anyone ever specifically pinning down what Eugene Levy did to justify spending millions of dollars every year on a surveillance operation dedicated to his every action,” said Lang while paging through a decades-spanning folder containing exhaustive reports on taped phone calls, clandestine filming of the actor’s homes in Los Angeles and Florida, and undercover accounts from FBI field agents posing as extras in the background of SCTV sketches, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Waiting For Guffman, American Pie, Multiplicity, and Schitt’s Creek. “Obviously, he was in a bunch of Christopher Guest movies, and perhaps those were considered pretty subversive at the time. But I still don’t know if that warranted an effort to coerce his own daughter [Sarah Levy] to flip and wear a wire any time they get dinner together. Huh. I’m just stumped here.” At press time, Lang had decided to keep the file open after discovering Levy was both Jewish and Canadian.


theonion--2020-07-06--Get Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To

Get Excited, Gamers! Activision Shot Down A French Plane Over Icelandic Waters To Start A New War To Set ‘Call Of Duty’ Games In

Here is thrilling news that should have every fan of online shooters drooling in anticipation : Yesterday , Activision employees operating a MIM-104F Patriot surface-to-air missile launcher shot down a French airliner over Icelandic waters , pushing the nations to the brink of armed conflict , all in the name of having a new war to set the next Call Of Duty game in .
Get ready for the next evolution of Modern Warfare !
According to sources , the clandestine strike that killed 178 people over the Norwegian Sea came after Activision executives grew concerned about an increasingly stale @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from the Syrian Civil War to World War 2 .
After weeks of brainstorming , it was agreed that the only thing that could invigorate the series was a fresh , compelling war in a unique environment and that calling in airstrikes in a 64-player ground war across the stunning glaciers of Iceland was just the ticket .
But Activision ’ s dedication to innovating Call Of Duty did not stop with just shooting down a plane .
In order to stoke tensions further between the two nations , company contractors , posing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a series of retaliatory bombings in Paris and Lyon this morning .
It looks like all you Call Of Duty die-hard fans out there are only a few more days of escalating tensions away from firefights in the streets of Reykjavík and high-speed tank chases along the banks of the Seine .
How awesome is that !
So , we here at OGN call on the nations of Iceland and France to not back down .
Vengeance must be had for your unjustly slaughtered citizens , and the only solution is the one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ map !
Now let ’ s see if those cowards at EA can match Activision by finally getting China and India to engage in an all-out war .
Sure sounds a lot better than Battlefield V .

Here is thrilling news that should have every fan of online shooters drooling in anticipation: Yesterday, Activision employees operating a MIM-104F Patriot surface-to-air missile launcher shot down a French airliner over Icelandic waters, pushing the nations to the brink of armed conflict, all in the name of having a new war to set the next Call Of Duty game in.
Get ready for the next evolution of Modern Warfare!
According to sources, the clandestine strike that killed 178 people over the Norwegian Sea came after Activision executives grew concerned about an increasingly stale franchise, which had already tackled conflicts from the Syrian Civil War to World War 2. After weeks of brainstorming, it was agreed that the only thing that could invigorate the series was a fresh, compelling war in a unique environment and that calling in airstrikes in a 64-player ground war across the stunning glaciers of Iceland was just the ticket.
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But Activision’s dedication to innovating Call Of Duty did not stop with just shooting down a plane. In order to stoke tensions further between the two nations, company contractors, posing as Icelandic special forces, carried out a series of retaliatory bombings in Paris and Lyon this morning. It looks like all you Call Of Duty die-hard fans out there are only a few more days of escalating tensions away from firefights in the streets of Reykjavík and high-speed tank chases along the banks of the Seine. How awesome is that!
So, we here at OGN call on the nations of Iceland and France to not back down. Vengeance must be had for your unjustly slaughtered citizens, and the only solution is the one that would make a killer new Warzone map! Now let’s see if those cowards at EA can match Activision by finally getting China and India to engage in an all-out war. Sure sounds a lot better than Battlefield V.


theonion--2020-07-06--Vacuous Fool Using ‘Wicker’ And ‘Rattan’ Interchangeably

SOUTH BURLINGTON , VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain , craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “ wicker ” and “ rattan ” interchangeably .
“ What was she , born yesterday—let me guess , she calls quilts ‘ crochets ’ and she probably thinks leather and vinyl are the same fucking thing , ” said Gehlhausen , adding that she hadn ’ t been this viscerally offended by a comment on her patio furniture since some slack- jawed bimbo mixed up a sideboard and credenza @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get it if she ’ d simply been confused by the difference between synthetic rattan and resin wicker , because even t hat can be tough to distinguish for me as a professional crafter .
But to look at a series of exquisite hole-to-hole woven rattan chairs and just say the first word that comes out of your single-celled pea brian .
God , If I knew where she lived , I ’ d beat her ass behind Pier 1 Imports.
” At press time , Gehlhausen had recanted her statements after inadvertently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

SOUTH BURLINGTON, VT—Scrolling through the comments of her Etsy page and scoffing with disdain, craft enthusiast Mary Gehlhausen told reporters that a vacuous fool had used the word “wicker” and “rattan” interchangeably. “What was she, born yesterday—let me guess, she calls quilts ‘crochets’ and she probably thinks leather and vinyl are the same fucking thing,” said Gehlhausen, adding that she hadn’t been this viscerally offended by a comment on her patio furniture since some slack- jawed bimbo mixed up a sideboard and credenza. “Look, I’d get it if she’d simply been confused by the difference between synthetic rattan and resin wicker, because even t hat can be tough to distinguish for me as a professional crafter. But to look at a series of exquisite hole-to-hole woven rattan chairs and just say the first word that comes out of your single-celled pea brian. God, If I knew where she lived, I’d beat her ass behind Pier 1 Imports.” At press time, Gehlhausen had recanted her statements after inadvertently mixing up rattan reeds and bamboo reeds.


theonion--2020-07-06--Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse

Yeah, Yeah, Nation Gets It, We Rapidly Approaching End Of Critical Window To Avert Climate Collapse Or Whatever

WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe , the nation expressed Monday that yeah , yeah , we get it , we ’ re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever .
“ Sure , sure , I ’ ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we ’ re only years away from a point of no return where global ruin is unavoidable , so if you don ’ t mind , I ’ ve got shit to do , ” said D.C. resident Aarav Khatri , echoing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know the whole deal about a domino effect leading inexorably to extreme storms , decimation of the food supply , climate refugees , political destabilization , and all that bullshit .
“ Totally , we may have already missed our chance to avert massive devastation and we need to act with the utmost urgency before it becomes exponentially worse , blah , blah , blah—message received loud and clear.
” At press time , the nation ’ s populace had allowed itself one brief , horrifying moment of clarity about the upcoming cataclysm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the day .

WASHINGTON—Responding to escalating reports warning of imminent catastrophe, the nation expressed Monday that yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re rapidly approaching the end of the critical window to avert climate collapse or whatever. “Sure, sure, I’ve heard this whole song and dance before about how we’re only years away from a point of no return where global ruin is unavoidable, so if you don’t mind, I’ve got shit to do,” said D.C. resident Aarav Khatri, echoing the sentiments of 328 million Americans who already know the whole deal about a domino effect leading inexorably to extreme storms, decimation of the food supply, climate refugees, political destabilization, and all that bullshit. “Totally, we may have already missed our chance to avert massive devastation and we need to act with the utmost urgency before it becomes exponentially worse, blah, blah, blah—message received loud and clear.” At press time, the nation’s populace had allowed itself one brief, horrifying moment of clarity about the upcoming cataclysm before getting on with the rest of the day.