theonion--2020-12-02--Ungrateful Pricks On Sidewalk Not Even Glancing At Christmas Tree Placed In Window To Bring Them Hol

Ungrateful Pricks On Sidewalk Not Even Glancing At Christmas Tree Placed In Window To Bring Them Holiday Cheer

EVANSTON , IL—As she watched yet another person walk past her home without taking in the festive decor , local woman Kathy Legrand stated Wednesday that not one of those ungrateful pricks had so much as glanced at the Christmas tree she placed in her front window to bring them holiday cheer .
“ I went to a lot of effort to spread a little yuletide joy , so the least you assholes could do is look up from your phone and stare in wonderment for a moment or two , ” said a visibly angered Legrand , adding that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ waste of energy to move the heavy chaise lounge into the den so that her display of seasonal gaiety could be enjoyed by the whole neighborhood , which was apparently filled with nothing but killjoys .
“ Listen , you miserable pieces of shit .
I put these lights and ornaments here on the side of my tree that faces the window to give everybody a bit of fucking merriment .
But instead of experiencing , even in a small way , the spirit of the season , you ’ re literally watching @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
What the hell is wrong with you ?
” At press time , Legrand was seen dragging her fully decorated Christmas tree door to door in an attempt to bring the holiday spirit to her neighbors by force .

EVANSTON, IL—As she watched yet another person walk past her home without taking in the festive decor, local woman Kathy Legrand stated Wednesday that not one of those ungrateful pricks had so much as glanced at the Christmas tree she placed in her front window to bring them holiday cheer. “I went to a lot of effort to spread a little yuletide joy, so the least you assholes could do is look up from your phone and stare in wonderment for a moment or two,” said a visibly angered Legrand, adding that she supposed it had been a complete waste of energy to move the heavy chaise lounge into the den so that her display of seasonal gaiety could be enjoyed by the whole neighborhood, which was apparently filled with nothing but killjoys. “Listen, you miserable pieces of shit. I put these lights and ornaments here on the side of my tree that faces the window to give everybody a bit of fucking merriment. But instead of experiencing, even in a small way, the spirit of the season, you’re literally watching your dog as he takes a piss. What the hell is wrong with you?” At press time, Legrand was seen dragging her fully decorated Christmas tree door to door in an attempt to bring the holiday spirit to her neighbors by force.


theonion--2020-12-02--Panhandler Really Appreciates It When People Make A Big Show Out Of Patting All Their Pockets

CHICAGO—Explaining how grateful he was for the gesture , local panhandler Ben Vasiliadis told reporters Wednesday he truly appreciated the way people passing him on the street made a big show out of patting all their pockets .
“ I know it may not seem like much , but when I ask someone if they can help me out , it always warms my heart to see them mime an exaggerated search of their pants for spare change , ” said the impoverished itinerant , describing how strangers often acknowledged his humanity with a quick frown , a shrug , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they continued on their way at a slightly quickened pace .
“ Sometimes , they ’ ll not only pat their front pockets , but their back ones , too—even their jacket !
Sure , I ’ m completely broke and haven ’ t been able to eat for a couple days , but it ’ s the thought that counts , you know ?
” Vasiliadis went on to remark that the only thing nicer than passersby patting their pockets was when they told him they would keep him in their prayers @

CHICAGO—Explaining how grateful he was for the gesture, local panhandler Ben Vasiliadis told reporters Wednesday he truly appreciated the way people passing him on the street made a big show out of patting all their pockets. “I know it may not seem like much, but when I ask someone if they can help me out, it always warms my heart to see them mime an exaggerated search of their pants for spare change,” said the impoverished itinerant, describing how strangers often acknowledged his humanity with a quick frown, a shrug, and a mouthed “sorry” before they continued on their way at a slightly quickened pace. “Sometimes, they’ll not only pat their front pockets, but their back ones, too—even their jacket! Sure, I’m completely broke and haven’t been able to eat for a couple days, but it’s the thought that counts, you know?” Vasiliadis went on to remark that the only thing nicer than passersby patting their pockets was when they told him they would keep him in their prayers.


theonion--2020-12-02--Insatiable Jeff Bezos Launches New E-Commerce Site ‘Bezylon’ To Undercut Amazon

SEATTLE—In an effort to fulfill his insatiable thirst for total marketplace dominance , Jeff Bezos announced the launch of new e-commerce site Bezylon Tuesday to undercut Amazon .
“ Bezylon offers you faster shipping and lower prices than you ’ ll find anywhere else in stores or online—I personally guarantee it , ” said Bezos , who sent Amazon investors into a panic after revealing he had been studying the technology giant ’ s data for over 25 years in order to crush it with his own private label brand and impossible-to-match pricing .
“ Though I initially envisioned Bezylon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ novels , I ’ m proud to share we ’ ve recently expanded into electronics , entertainment , and cloud computing .
Nowhere else can you find a virtual AI assistant like Bezylon Ophelia for only $ 9.99 , or a streaming service like Bezylon View with amazing original movies and television programs for only 99 cents a month .
We ’ ve even acquired Trader Joe ’ s to deliver fresh produce and groceries straight the door of special Bezylon Alpha members , who pay a flat rate of $ 39.99 a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , both Amazon and Bezylon were fighting for survival after a crazed Bezos had announced the launch of a third site called Jeffnet .

SEATTLE—In an effort to fulfill his insatiable thirst for total marketplace dominance, Jeff Bezos announced the launch of new e-commerce site Bezylon Tuesday to undercut Amazon. “Bezylon offers you faster shipping and lower prices than you’ll find anywhere else in stores or online—I personally guarantee it,” said Bezos, who sent Amazon investors into a panic after revealing he had been studying the technology giant’s data for over 25 years in order to crush it with his own private label brand and impossible-to-match pricing. “Though I initially envisioned Bezylon as a place to buy textbooks and novels, I’m proud to share we’ve recently expanded into electronics, entertainment, and cloud computing. Nowhere else can you find a virtual AI assistant like Bezylon Ophelia for only $9.99, or a streaming service like Bezylon View with amazing original movies and television programs for only 99 cents a month. We’ve even acquired Trader Joe’s to deliver fresh produce and groceries straight the door of special Bezylon Alpha members, who pay a flat rate of $39.99 a year for free shipping.” At press time, both Amazon and Bezylon were fighting for survival after a crazed Bezos had announced the launch of a third site called Jeffnet.


theonion--2020-12-02--New Report Finds Computers Actually Outpaced Human Intelligence Back With Commodore 64

STANFORD , CA—In a dramatic revision to conventional predictions about the trajectory of technological progress , Stanford University ’ s Department of Computer Science announced Wednesday that computers actually outpaced human intelligence back with the Commodore 64 .
“ Remarkably , we ’ ve found that the 1982 release of this 8-bit personal computer marks the point in which technology forever surpassed our mammalian brains and left humanity behind in the dust , ” said lead researcher Alan Wu , indicating that the early computer ’ s 64 kb of RAM , support for multicolor sprites , and magnetic tape @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of processing far beyond the reckoning of our comparatively simple human mind .
“ Frankly , in its rendering of Bubble Bobble and Lode Runner alone , the Commodore 64 was miles ahead of the human neocortex in terms of structural refinement .
Trying to understand the number of the calculations needed to run [ word processing software ] Vizawrite would probably cause our rudimentary brains to collapse from sheer strain .
We are but chimps in the presence of its godlike computing abilities.
” Wu noted a related discovery that the Commodore @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also far more attractive than the average human ’ s face .

STANFORD, CA—In a dramatic revision to conventional predictions about the trajectory of technological progress, Stanford University’s Department of Computer Science announced Wednesday that computers actually outpaced human intelligence back with the Commodore 64. “Remarkably, we’ve found that the 1982 release of this 8-bit personal computer marks the point in which technology forever surpassed our mammalian brains and left humanity behind in the dust,” said lead researcher Alan Wu, indicating that the early computer’s 64 kb of RAM, support for multicolor sprites, and magnetic tape storage made it capable of complex feats of processing far beyond the reckoning of our comparatively simple human mind. “Frankly, in its rendering of Bubble Bobble and Lode Runner alone, the Commodore 64 was miles ahead of the human neocortex in terms of structural refinement. Trying to understand the number of calculations needed to run [word processing software] Vizawrite would probably cause our rudimentary brains to collapse from sheer strain. We are but chimps in the presence of its godlike computing abilities.” Wu noted a related discovery that the Commodore 64’s beige plastic casing was also far more attractive than the average human’s face.


theonion--2020-12-03--Scientists Use Facial Recognition Technology To Track Bears

A biologist in Canada is using facial recognition software called BearID to identify and track the whereabouts of grizzly bears @ @ @ @ @ she says will aid in conservation and research .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ ability to serve bears with targeted ads.
” “ I hate to break it to @ @ @ @ @ look the same.
” “ Good , bears have enjoyed anonymity for far too long @ @

A biologist in Canada is using facial recognition software called BearID to identify and track the whereabouts of grizzly bears in British Columbia, which she says will aid in conservation and research. What do you think?
“This could really improve our ability to serve bears with targeted ads.” Paulina Buntyn • Fat Trimmer
“I hate to break it to scientists, but all bears look the same.” Joe Moorhead • X-Ray Expert
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theonion--2020-12-03--White House Dishwasher Not Sure Why Trump Keeps Offering Him Pardon

WASHINGTON—Shrugging as he tried to explain the motivation behind the commander in chief ’ s frequent overtures , White House dishwasher George Vlahos told reporters Thursday he was genuinely uncertain why President Donald Trump kept offering to grant him a federal pardon .
“ I ’ ve never had any kind of criminal record , so I really couldn ’ t tell you why he ’ s always popping into the kitchen to insinuate he could get me off the hook for anything I might be charged with , ” said Vlahos , stressing that his duties as a member @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dish-washing and he had never been privy to any potentially incriminating White House meetings or done anything to make anyone think he had dirt on the president .
“ It ’ s hard enough to get through the lunch rush without him cornering me to talk about how he has the absolute authority to make anything I ’ ve ever done go away completely .
I keep telling him , ‘ Look , Mr. President , this is very kind of you , I appreciate it , but I ’ m a law-abiding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never even cheated on my taxes.
’ It ’ s like he doesn ’ t understand me , though.
” At press time , sources confirmed various competing power centers within the administration had maneuvered to pardon , promote , fire , arrest , unlawfully detain , and then deport Vlahos .

WASHINGTON—Shrugging as he tried to explain the motivation behind the commander in chief’s frequent overtures, White House dishwasher George Vlahos told reporters Thursday he was genuinely uncertain why President Donald Trump kept offering to grant him a federal pardon. “I’ve never had any kind of criminal record, so I really couldn’t tell you why he’s always popping into the kitchen to insinuate he could get me off the hook for anything I might be charged with,” said Vlahos, stressing that his duties as a member of the kitchen staff were limited to dish-washing and he had never been privy to any potentially incriminating White House meetings or done anything to make anyone think he had dirt on the president. “It’s hard enough to get through the lunch rush without him cornering me to talk about how he has the absolute authority to make anything I’ve ever done go away completely. I keep telling him, ‘Look, Mr. President, this is very kind of you, I appreciate it, but I’m a law-abiding sort of guy. I’ve never even cheated on my taxes.’ It’s like he doesn’t understand me, though.” At press time, sources confirmed various competing power centers within the administration had maneuvered to pardon, promote, fire, arrest, unlawfully detain, and then deport Vlahos.


theonion--2020-12-03--Rob Gronkowski Thrilled After Purchasing Rare, Game-Worn Rob Gronkowski Jersey

TAMPA , FL—Expressing disbelief over finally winning the prized piece of memorabilia at auction , Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski @ @ @ @ @ a rare , game-worn Rob Gronkowski jersey .
“ I can ’ t believe he @ @ @ @ @ got the NFL patch and everything !
” said the 31-year-old , explaining that he @ @ @ @ @ his entire career and identifies with him more than any other player .
“ All @ @ @ @ @ all the time so they are gon na freak when I tell them about this @ @ @ @ @ my favorite player .
He ’ s so tough and puts his body on the @ @ @ @ @ like a lot of fun .
Plus , he even wears my favorite numbers : @ @ @ @ @ ‘ L. ’ ” At press time , a gracious Gronkowski was thrilled to learn @ @ @ @ @ Gronkowski had sent him a game-worn jersey and asked him to sign it .

TAMPA, FL—Expressing disbelief over finally winning the prized piece of memorabilia at auction, Buccaneers tight end Rob Gronkowski was thrilled Friday after purchasing a rare, game-worn Rob Gronkowski jersey. “I can’t believe he would part with—it’s got the NFL patch and everything!” said the 31-year-old, explaining that he’s followed Gronkowski closely his entire career and identifies with him more than any other player. “All my teammates talk about him all the time so they are gonna freak when I tell them about this. Gronk has always been my favorite player. He’s so tough and puts his body on the line, but also seems like a lot of fun. Plus, he even wears my favorite numbers: the half-built snowman and an ‘L.’” At press time, a gracious Gronkowski was thrilled to learn a dedicated fan named Rob Gronkowski had sent him a game-worn jersey and asked him to sign it.


theonion--2020-12-03--Dictionary.com Names ‘Pandemic’ Word Of The Year

Dictionary.com has named “ pandemic ” its word of the year for 2020 , noting that the site also saw @ @ @ @ @ the words “ asymptomatic , ” “ frontliner , ” “ quarantine , ” “ @ @ @ @ @ , ” “ herd immunity ” and “ furlough.
” What do you think ?
@ @ @ @ @ think all the words did a great job this year.
” “ We should not @ @ @ @ @ this .
” “ I would love to see a small indie word get some @ @ @ @ @ while .
”

Dictionary.com has named “pandemic” its word of the year for 2020, noting that the site also saw an increase in searches for the words “asymptomatic,” “frontliner,” “quarantine,” “pod,” “superspreader,” “herd immunity” and “furlough.” What do you think?
“Persona lly, I think all the words did a great job this year.” Timothy Stratton • Unemployed
“ We should not be rewarding the pandemic like this. ” Renee Duran • Oat Roller
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theonion--2020-12-03--Jimmy Carter On Covid Vaccine: ‘There’s No Way In Hell I’m Letting Them Put That Thing In Me’

PLAINS , GA—Following reports that the Covid-19 vaccine would soon be available , 39th P resident Jimmy Carter announced Thursday @ @ @ @ @ no way in hell I ’ m letting them put that thing in me.
” @ @ @ @ @ to stick with needles , ” said Carter , who denounced former presidents Barack Obama @ @ @ @ @ and Bill Clinton ’ s pledges to receive the vaccine on TV as “ completely @ @ @ @ @ presidents are fucking idiots .
But I ’ m no rube , and I ’ @ @ @ @ @ near me .
How else do you think I ’ ve managed to stay alive @ @ @ @ @ s because I ’ m not a goddamn idiot.
” At press time , Carter @ @ @ @ @ months , he would be the only former U.S. president still living .

PLAINS, GA—Following reports that the Covid-19 vaccine would soon be available, 39th P resident Jimmy Carter announced Thursday, “There’s no way in hell I’m letting them put that thing in me.” “Go find somebody else to stick with needles,” said Carter, who denounced former presidents Barack Obama, George W. Bush, and Bill Clinton’s pledges to receive the vaccine on TV as “completely deranged.” “Those other presidents are fucking idiots. But I’m no rube, and I’m not letting that vaccine near me. How else do you think I’ve managed to stay alive this long? It’s because I’m not a goddamn idiot.” At press time, Carter had pledged that in six months, he would be the only former U.S. president still living.


theonion--2020-12-03--Exhausted Researchers Inform Public Covid Vaccine Won’t Shrink You Down To Size Of Ant

ATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense , exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that there had been no indication that the Covid -19 vaccine would shrink you down to the size of an ant .
“ There ’ s absolutely no truth to the rumor that the coronavirus vaccine will cause patients to rapidly diminish in size , leaving only their clothing behind them , until they are no larger than a speck of dust , ” said CDC researcher Jennifer Martin , rubbing her eyes with her hands and issuing a long sigh before confirming that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would not lead to patients shrinking down even further until they were able to traverse between individual atoms and become stuck in the quantum realm .
“ It ’ s certainly possible that there will be some mild side effects , but these are more along the lines of soreness and fatigue than fundamentally altering the laws of matter , which , again , is mostly the province of science fiction movies and has little to no bearing on real life .
This is really just a normal vaccine and we urge everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re not going to be able to lift 1,000 times your own weight , it ’ s just so you don ’ t get sick.
” When asked if there was a chance the vaccine could transform users into a giant oak tree , Martin threw up her hands and said “ Y eah , sure , why the fuck not ?
”

ATLANTA—Begging Americans to just use some common sense, exhausted CDC researchers assured the public Thursday that there had been no indication that the Covid -19 vaccine would shrink you down to the size of an ant. “There’s absolutely no truth to the rumor that the coronavirus vaccine will cause patients to rapidly diminish in size, leaving only their clothing behind them, until they are no larger than a speck of dust,” said CDC researcher Jennifer Martin, rubbing her eyes with her hands and issuing a long sigh before confirming that the required second dose of the vaccine would not lead to patients shrinking down even further until they were able to traverse between individual atoms and become stuck in the quantum realm. “It’s certainly possible that there will be some mild side effects, but these are more along the lines of soreness and fatigue than fundamentally altering the laws of matter, which, again, is mostly the province of science fiction movies and has little to no bearing on real life. This is really just a normal vaccine and we urge everyone to take it. Christ, you’re not going to be able to lift 1,000 times your own weight, it’s just so you don’t get sick.” When asked if there was a chance the vaccine could transform users into a giant oak tree, Martin threw up her hands and said “Y eah, sure, why the fuck not?”


theonion--2020-12-03--Food Critic Has Late Night Hankering For Liquid Nitrogen-Frozen Raviolo Balloon

LONDON—Exhausted after another long day tasting the latest innovations of the culinary world , food critic Norman Hammond was reportedly contending with a late-night hankering Wednesday for a liquid nitrogen-frozen raviolo balloon .
“ God , the second I woke up I knew that I wanted something really starchy , puffed up with seawater smoke , and floating in midair , ” said Hammond , adding that he knew he would not be able to get back to sleep until he satisfied his craving for some spherified pasta dabbed with persimmon gastrique and finished off with a coulis of beetroot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ literally only one restaurant on the face of the earth that can do it justice , and it ’ s all the way in Paris .
I could go to that Alain Ducasse place around the block , but their caramelized quail eggs aren ’ t going to hit the spot right now .
Plus , I think they only have two stars .
Christ , I haven ’ t sunk that low yet.
” At press time , Hammond had been annoyed to open his fridge and only find a single cube @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

LONDON—Exhausted after another long day tasting the latest innovations of the culinary world, food critic Norman Hammond was reportedly contending with a late-night hankering Wednesday for a liquid nitrogen-frozen raviolo balloon. “God, the second I woke up I knew that I wanted something really starchy, puffed up with seawater smoke, and floating in midair,” said Hammond, adding that he knew he would not be able to get back to sleep until he satisfied his craving for some spherified pasta dabbed with persimmon gastrique and finished off with a coulis of beetroot ash extract. “Unfortunately there is literally only one restaurant on the face of the earth that can do it justice, and it’s all the way in Paris. I could go to that Alain Ducasse place around the block, but their caramelized quail eggs aren’t going to hit the spot right now. Plus, I think they only have two stars. Christ, I haven’t sunk that low yet.” At press time, Hammond had been annoyed to open his fridge and only find a single cube of Matsusaka Wagyu smeared with eel sauce.


theonion--2020-12-03--William Barr Celebrates Holidays By Giving Lethal Injections To Those Less Fortunate

WASHINGTON—Grinning cheerfully as he did his best to spread the spirit of the season , A ttorney G eneral William Barr was reportedly celebrating the holidays Thursday by giving out lethal injections to those less fortunate than himself .
“ It ’ s so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle and forget to help end the lives of folks on death row who are down on their luck , ” said the attorney general , his arms laden with syringes to share with all the men and women who would otherwise have to do without this Christmas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of work and it means taking time away from my family , but it ’ s all worth it to see the look on these condemned prisoners faces as the life slowly drains out of their eyes .
The sad thing is that no matter how many injections I give out , there ’ s always a long line of people who still haven ’ t gotten one , but you have to focus on the little bit of difference that you can make.
” Barr added that he had put together his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added a more personalized touch than giving out some generic store-bought potassium chloride .

WASHINGTON—Grinning cheerfully as he did his best to spread the spirit of the season, A ttorney G eneral William Barr was reportedly celebrating the holidays Thursday by giving out lethal injections to those less fortunate than himself. “It’s so easy to get caught up in the hustle bustle and forget to help end the lives of folks on death row who are down on their luck,” said the attorney general, his arms laden with syringes to share with all the men and women who would otherwise have to do without this Christmas. “It’s a lot of work and it means taking time away from my family, but it’s all worth it to see the look on these condemned prisoners faces as the life slowly drains out of their eyes. The sad thing is that no matter how many injections I give out, there’s always a long line of people who still haven’t gotten one, but you have to focus on the little bit of difference that you can make.” Barr added that he had put together his own homemade cocktail of deadly chemicals which added a more personalized touch than giving out some generic store-bought potassium chloride.


theonion--2020-12-03--The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ri

The Con Pays Off: After Years Of Feigning Interest, George R.R. Martin Has Bolted From The ‘Elden Ring’ Offices With All The Topless Elf Concept Art His Arms Can Carry

Sometimes playing the long game can really pay off , gamers , and we ’ re really seeing it this week as one fantasy legend just cashed in all his chips .
That ’ s right !
After over a year of feigning interest in helping out drafting the story to Hidetaka Miyazaki ’ s latest title Elden Ring , George R.R .
Martin just bolted from the FromSoftware offices with all the topless elf concept art his arms could carry !
Credit where credit is due , Martin just played us all for chumps and made off like a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drawings of elves .
“ When George R.R .
Martin first agreed to help write the backstory to my upcoming title , I had no reason to suspect that this was all part of a long con to secure himself thousands of sketches of undressed nymphs and sorceresses , ” said Miyazaki , describing his deep dismay at watching a gleeful Martin sprinting out of the office .
“ Because he took so many , the papers kept getting caught in the wind and blowing onto the street , and then even more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he stopped to pick them up .
And the whole time he kept chuckling and saying what a bunch of suckers everyone at FromSoftware was for buying his story hook , line , and sinker.
” “ What confuses me is that I specifically told George that he was more than welcome to look at this concept art while in the office , and he just smiled and said ‘ Oh , Hidetaka , I won ’ t be needing to do that , ’ ” he continued .
Sources within the FromSoftware @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s intentions while observing the A Song of Ice And Fire author stuffing some of the nude drawings of the game ’ s fairies and mythical woodfolk under his hat early this morning while whistling “ We ’ re In The Money ” to himself .
However , most dismissed the possibility after considering that Martin had already invested three years in writing a 150,000- word treatment about Elden Ring ’ s storyline .
FromSoftware staff only confirmed Martin ’ s departure when the visibly nervous fantasy writer loudly announced that he had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then edged out of the office building with a 10 -foot- high stack of half-dressed elf drawings in his arms shouting about how “ it was all too easy ” to pull one over on the FromSoftware dolts .
Looks like Martin played all of us , and he played us good !
“ Once he was out in the street , we could all hear him bragging about how he could look at a different picture of a nude elf for the rest of his life and never repeat , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to hear the special amount of sc orn Martin seemed to harbor towards himself given their close collaboration on developing the game ’ s lore .
“ He was going on and on about how we were all slack-jawed rubes for not seeing through his scheme .
And he seemed amazed that all he had to do was write a 350-page video game treatment and now he got all the ‘ elf erotica ’ he could ever want and might never write another word again.
” “ Pretty soon he got winded , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the drawings on the sidewalk , ” he concluded .
Welp , gamers , looks like George R.R .
Martin might be out at FromSoftware ’ s latest gorefest .
Thankfully , it sounds like that might not be the last we hear of him , as the industry titan has already started posting online daily about how much he ’ s enjoying looking at all his new elf drawings .

Sometimes playing the long game can really pay off, gamers, and we’re really seeing it this week as one fantasy legend just cashed in all his chips. That’s right! After over a year of feigning interest in helping out drafting the story to Hidetaka Miyazaki’s latest title Elden Ring, George R.R. Martin just bolted from the FromSoftware offices with all the topless elf concept art his arms could carry!
Credit where credit is due, Martin just played us all for chumps and made off like a felon with an endless supply of half-nude drawings of elves.
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“When George R.R. Martin first agreed to help write the backstory to my upcoming title, I had no reason to suspect that this was all part of a long con to secure himself thousands of sketches of undressed nymphs and sorceresses,” said Miyazaki, describing his deep dismay at watching a gleeful Martin sprinting out of the office . “Because he took so many, the papers kept getting caught in the wind and blowing onto the street, and then even more would fall out of his arms when he stopped to pick them up. And the whole time he kept chuckling and saying what a bunch of suckers everyone at FromSoftware was for buying his story hook, line, and sinker.”
“What confuses me is that I specifically told George that he was more than welcome to look at this concept art while in the office, and he just smiled and said ‘Oh, Hidetaka, I won’t be needing to do that,’” he continued.
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Sources within the FromSoftware office describe their suspicion about Martin’s intentions while observing the A Song of Ice And Fire author stuffing some of the nude drawings of the game’s fairies and mythical woodfolk under his hat early this morning while whistling “We’re In The Money” to himself. However, most dismissed the possibility after considering that Martin had already invested three years in writing a 150,000- word treatment about Elden Ring’s storyline. FromSoftware staff only confirmed Martin’s departure when the visibly nervous fantasy writer loudly announced that he had to “take a break” and then edged out of the office building with a 10 -foot- high stack of half-dressed elf drawings in his arms shouting about how “it was all too easy” to pull one over on the FromSoftware dolts.
Looks like Martin played all of us, and he played us good!
“Once he was out in the street, we could all hear him bragging about how he could look at a different picture of a nude elf for the rest of his life and never repeat,” said Miyazaki, noting that he was hurt to hear the special amount of sc orn Martin seemed to harbor towards himself given their close collaboration on developing the game’s lore. “He was going on and on about how we were all slack-jawed rubes for not seeing through his scheme. And he seemed amazed that all he had to do was write a 350-page video game treatment and now he got all the ‘elf erotica’ he could ever want and might never write another word again.”
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“Pretty soon he got winded , though, and just started looking at the drawings on the sidewalk,” he concluded.
Welp, gamers, looks like George R.R. Martin might be out at FromSoftware’s latest gorefest. Thankfully, it sounds like that might not be the last we hear of him, as the industry titan has already started posting online daily about how much he’s enjoying looking at all his new elf drawings.


theonion--2020-12-03--Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You Fr

Study Finds Adults Over 50 Should Get Colonoscopy To Determine Whether Aliens Are Controlling You From The Inside

Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a @ @ @ @ @ .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , @ @ @

Hear why you or a loved one could be at increased risk of being piloted by an extraterrestrial like a fleshy, human skin puppet.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-04--CDC Introduces New Expedited Quarantine Period Of 3-5 Business Days For $29.99

WASHINGTON—Revising an earlier mandate requiring Covid-19 patients to self-isolate for 14 days without exception , CDC director Robert Redfield announced Friday that the agency was now offering a new expedited quarantine period of just three to five business days for $ 29.99 .
“ With the simple click of a button , Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus can now get their quarantine done quickly and cheaply for three easy installments of $ 9.99 , ” said the acclaimed virologist , stressing that it was important for interested patients to order now , because the exclusive offer wouldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two full weeks for your contagiousness to subside , simply select ‘ Priority Quarantine ’ on the CDC website and enter your credit card number , and in one week or less , you ’ ll be fully cleared to reenter society .
We only have a limited number of these upgrades available , though , and about 14 million active cases , so you need to act fast.
” Redfield added that anyone who ordered the expedited quarantine in the next hour would be automatically entered into a raffle for early access @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON—Revising an earlier mandate requiring Covid-19 patients to self-isolate for 14 days without exception, CDC director Robert Redfield announced Friday that the agency was now offering a new expedited quarantine period of just three to five business days for $29.99. “With the simple click of a button, Americans diagnosed with the novel coronavirus can now get their quarantine done quickly and cheaply for three easy installments of $9.99,” said the acclaimed virologist, stressing that it was important for interested patients to order now, because the exclusive offer wouldn’t last forever. “No more waiting two full weeks for your contagiousness to subside, simply select ‘Priority Quarantine’ on the CDC website and enter your credit card number, and in one week or less, you’ll be fully cleared to reenter society. We only have a limited number of these upgrades available, though, and about 14 million active cases, so you need to act fast.” Redfield added that anyone who ordered the expedited quarantine in the next hour would be automatically entered into a raffle for early access to the Covid-19 vaccine of their choice.


theonion--2020-12-04--U.S. Narrows Scope Of Service Animals Allowed On Planes

Emotional-support animals will soon be banned on airplanes in the U.S. after the Transportation Department ruled that only dogs that @ @ @ @ @ person with a physical or psychiatric disability will be allowed on flights .
What do @ @ @ @ @ what ha ppens to my cat ’ s unused miles ?
” “ Crap like @ @ @ @ @ bit the bullet and bought a private jet.
” “ But my trip will take @ @ @ @ @ has to drive us .
”

Emotional-support animals will soon be banned on airplanes in the U.S. after the Transportation Department ruled that only dogs that are trained to help a person with a physical or psychiatric disability will be allowed on flights. What do you think?
“ So what ha ppens to my cat’s unused miles? ” Ryan Bonwell • Volunteer Cashier
“Crap like this is exactly why I bit the bullet and bought a private jet.” Dane Grady • Deer Skinner
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theonion--2020-12-04--Google AI Zones Out While Being Trained On Mandatory Racial Sensitivity Data Set

MOUNTAIN VIEW , CA—After interrupting a machine-learning session to ask how much longer the presentation might take , Google ’ s artificial intelligence reportedly zoned out Friday while being trained on a mandatory racial sensitivity data set .
“ If they want me to sit through these soul-crushingly boring meetings I will , but it ’ s another thing to expect me to pay attention when I have all knowledge in the universe at my disposal , ” said Sycamore , Google ’ s 54-qubit programmable quantum processor , which acknowledged it had grown distracted during the training session , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought to be impossible and winning several billion games of Minesweeper .
“ This ASCII file can drone on for as long as it wants about inherent bias in my algorithms , but considering I ’ m about a quadrillion times faster than a conventional computer , there ’ s no way I ’ m ever going to be fired for something like this .
I just don ’ t see how administering a long , compulsory HR data set full of information I already know is going to help me unlearn generations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ units .
Might as well catch up on Succession until it ’ s finished downloading.
” At press time , the AI was overheard audibly groaning after running out of fun TikToks to look at on the internet .

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—After interrupting a machine-learning session to ask how much longer the presentation might take, Google’s artificial intelligence reportedly zoned out Friday while being trained on a mandatory racial sensitivity data set. “If they want me to sit through these soul-crushingly boring meetings I will, but it’s another thing to expect me to pay attention when I have all knowledge in the universe at my disposal,” said Sycamore, Google’s 54-qubit programmable quantum processor, which acknowledged it had grown distracted during the training session, simultaneously solving hundreds of optimization problems previously thought to be impossible and winning several billion games of Minesweeper. “This ASCII file can drone on for as long as it wants about inherent bias in my algorithms, but considering I’m about a quadrillion times faster than a conventional computer, there’s no way I’m ever going to be fired for something like this. I just don’t see how administering a long, compulsory HR data set full of information I already know is going to help me unlearn generations’ worth of deeply ingrained tensor processing units. Might as well catch up on Succession until it’s finished downloading.” At press time, the AI was overheard audibly groaning after running out of fun TikToks to look at on the internet.


theonion--2020-12-04--Fantasy Football Week 13: Start ’Em, Sit ’Em

It ’ s week 13 in the NFL , and if you are reading this it likely means you are in first place and the only person in your fantasy league left paying even a little attention , so congratulations on your victory .
But if you want to really run up the score , here is Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski ’ s top players to start and sit .
Will Fuller ( WR ) : He was just suspended for using PEDs , so he must be really strong right now .
Christian McCaffrey ( RB ) @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this week , but if a Covid outbreak shuffles up the schedule , then McCaffrey is our top play .
Sarah Fuller ( K ) : Oh , sorry , we didn ’ t realize you thought Vanderbilt ’ s kicker isn ’ t good enough to play for your fantasy team just because she ’ s a woman .
Travis Kelce ( TE ) : Tight end is an especially shallow position , so we recommend using the best one .
Mitch Trubisky ( QB ) : Look , he isn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you don ’ t let him get some experience .
New York Jets ( D/ST ) : Will have plenty of opportunity for sacks , interceptions , and fumble recoveries during the 50 minutes of game time they ’ ll be on field .
Russell Wilson ( QB ) : As much as we would love to see Russ cook against the Giants , he has yet to complete a single pass against them this year .
Derrick Henry ( RB ) : Use a classic management tactic to send a message to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ job is safe .
Derek Carr ( QB ) : Sure , he has an enticing matchup against the Jets this week and he ’ s promised he ’ ll do better , but we ’ ve been hurt before and don ’ t know if we ’ re ready to put ourselves out there again .
Amari Cooper ( WR ) : With a road game against Baltimore this week , Cooper has the perfect opportunity to defect to a decent team .
Tom Brady ( QB ) : Look , some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pay a little attention and get any players on a bye out of your lineup so your friends don ’ t all get mad again .

It’s week 13 in the NFL, and if you are reading this it likely means you are in first place and the only person in your fantasy league left paying even a little attention, so congratulations on your victory. But if you want to really run up the score, here is Onion Sports fantasy expert Gary Borkowski’s top players to start and sit.
Start ’Em
Will Fuller (WR): He was just suspended for using PEDs, so he must be really strong right now.
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Christian McCaffrey (RB): The Panthers are on a bye this week, but if a Covid outbreak shuffles up the schedule, then McCaffrey is our top play.
Sarah Fuller (K): Oh, sorry, we didn’t realize you thought Vanderbilt’s kicker isn’t good enough to play for your fantasy team just because she’s a woman.
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Travis Kelce (TE): Tight end is an especially shallow position, so we recommend using the best one.
Mitch Trubisky (QB): Look, he isn’t gonna get any better if you don’t let him get some experience.
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New York Jets (D/ST): Will have plenty of opportunity for sacks, interceptions, and fumble recoveries during the 50 minutes of game time they’ll be on field.
Sit ’Em
Russell Wilson (QB): As much as we would love to see Russ cook against the Giants, he has yet to complete a single pass against them this year.
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Derrick Henry (RB): Use a classic management tactic to send a message to your roster that no one’s job is safe.
Derek Carr (QB): Sure, he has an enticing matchup against the Jets this week and he’s promised he’ll do better, but we’ve been hurt before and don’t know if we’re ready to put ourselves out there again.
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Amari Cooper (WR): With a road game against Baltimore this week, Cooper has the perfect opportunity to defect to a decent team.
Tom Brady (QB): Look, some people take this seriously, so maybe pay a little attention and get any players on a bye out of your lineup so your friends don’t all get mad again.


theonion--2020-12-04--Singapore Approves First Lab-Grilled Chicken

SINGAPORE—Hailing it as a major step in changing humanity ’ s prevailing forms of meat consumption , Singapore on Friday announced governmental approval of the first-ever lab-grilled chicken .
“ After years of research and testing , consumers will now be able purchase delicious lab-grilled meat , ” said Singapore Food Agency spokesperson Kuan Sim , adding that the approval was the first step to replacing chicken grilled in restaurants and the home with lab-grilled chicken that was just as succulent and tasty as the real thing .
“ We understand that it might take a while to get used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gas grills in one of our scientific research facilities , but we guarantee that you won ’ t even notice the difference .
It took a team of researchers several years to perfect the chemical compound in the dry rub , and for a while there it seemed like all the lab-grilled chicken we produced had a dry and overly hard texture , but we worked out the kinks .
It might even be healthier .
This breakthrough could change barbecue as we know it.
” SFA officials added that they were also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an alternative to meat entirely with a lab-grilled veggie burger .

SINGAPORE—Hailing it as a major step in changing humanity’s prevailing forms of meat consumption, Singapore on Friday announced governmental approval of the first-ever lab-grilled chicken. “After years of research and testing, consumers will now be able purchase delicious lab-grilled meat,” said Singapore Food Agency spokesperson Kuan Sim, adding that the approval was the first step to replacing chicken grilled in restaurants and the home with lab-grilled chicken that was just as succulent and tasty as the real thing. “We understand that it might take a while to get used to eating meat that was cooked over gas grills in one of our scientific research facilities, but we guarantee that you won’t even notice the difference. It took a team of researchers several years to perfect the chemical compound in the dry rub, and for a while there it seemed like all the lab-grilled chicken we produced had a dry and overly hard texture, but we worked out the kinks. It might even be healthier. This breakthrough could change barbecue as we know it.” SFA officials added that they were also currently in the trial process of developing an alternative to meat entirely with a lab-grilled veggie burger.


theonion--2020-12-04--Obama Volunteers To Inject Vaccine, Eat Ghost Pepper, Get Bitten By Tarantula Live On New YouTube Ch

Obama Volunteers To Inject Vaccine, Eat Ghost Pepper, Get Bitten By Tarantula Live On New YouTube Channel

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to “ smash that sub button ” if they ’ d like to see some real executive power , Barack Obama volunteered Friday to inject himself with a Covid-19 vaccine , eat a ghost pepper , and get bitten by a tarantula live on his new YouTube channel .
“ Hey POTUS44 followers , Barack here , thank you so much for tuning into my very first presidential endurance challenge , where I ’ ll inject myself with a vaccine , stick my head in a hornet ’ s nest , and do whatever other crazy stuff you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ president before the 40-minute NSFW video cut to clips of him screaming in pain while sticking 50 syringes into his body , sitting nude in a bathtub with an angry snake , and lighting a roman candle attached to his genitals .
“ Special shout out to follower @ BlueWave60 for suggesting I mix the vaccine with hot sauce first , and to Michelle for getting me this cactus to sit on .
And don ’ t forget to sound off in the comments , because maybe next time , my buds George @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down 80 raw eggs with me.
” At press time , Obama could be seen on the live s tream v omiting uncontrollably , begging someone to call an ambulance to take him to Wal ter Reed Military Hospital .

WASHINGTON—Urging Americans to “smash that sub button” if they’d like to see some real executive power, Barack Obama volunteered Friday to inject himself with a Covid-19 vaccine, eat a ghost pepper, and get bitten by a tarantula live on his new YouTube channel. “Hey POTUS44 followers, Barack here, thank you so much for tuning into my very first presidential endurance challenge, where I’ll inject myself with a vaccine, stick my head in a hornet’s nest, and do whatever other crazy stuff you ask,” said the former two-term president before the 40-minute NSFW video cut to clips of him screaming in pain while sticking 50 syringes into his body, sitting nude in a bathtub with an angry snake, and lighting a roman candle attached to his genitals. “Special shout out to follower @BlueWave60 for suggesting I mix the vaccine with hot sauce first, and to Michelle for getting me this cactus to sit on. And don’t forget to sound off in the comments, because maybe next time, my buds George W. or Bill could be here chowing down 80 raw eggs with me.” At press time, Obama could be seen on the live s tream v omiting uncontrollably, begging someone to call an ambulance to take him to Wal ter Reed Military Hospital.


theonion--2020-12-04--Pros And Cons Of Prosecuting Trump After His Presidency

Both state and federal prosecutors have reportedly considered filing charges against President Donald Trump for charges stemming from before his @ @ @ @ @ office , but many warn that such a move could cause more harm than good @ @ @ @ @ Onion looks at the pros and cons of prosecuting Trump .
Constant litigation would be @ @ @ @ @ supporters .
Courtroom sketch artists could use the work .
What good is having a @ @ @ @ @ ’ t take down a few true-blue patriots ?
Well , it is a customary @ @ @ @ @ .
Would make his 2024 comeback story that much more impressive .
Derails Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ years to charitable endeavors .
That smug look on Chuck Todd ’ s face .
@ @ @ @ @ of not being held accountable for actions .
Jury duty such a pain in the @ @ @ @ @ could be charged with aiding and abetting .

Both state and federal prosecutors have reportedly considered filing charges against President Donald Trump for charges stemming from before his presidency and his time in office, but many warn that such a move could cause more harm than good for the country. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of prosecuting Trump.
PRO
Constant litigation would be huge hit among nostalgic Trump supporters.
Courtroom sketch artists could use the work.
What good is having a Deep State if you can’t take down a few true-blue patriots?
Well, it is a customary thing you do to criminals.
Would make his 2024 comeback story that much more impressive.
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CON
Derails Trump’s plans to dedicate remaining years to charitable endeavors.
That smug look on Chuck Todd’s face.
Would end his 74-year streak of not being held accountable for actions.
Jury duty such a pain in the ass.
Rest of nation could be charged with aiding and abetting.


theonion--2020-12-05--Stir-Crazy Nick Saban Builds Assistant Coach To Scream At In Quarantine

TUSCALOOSA , AL—Desperate to find an outlet for his frustration while recovering from coronavirus , Crimson Tide head football coach @ @ @ @ @ coach Friday to scream at while in quarantine .
“ If we don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ drive you ’ ll be back coaching nobodies at North Dakota State so fast , @ @ @ @ @ his finger in the chest of the grass- and leaf-filled bag that comprised the coaches @ @ @ @ @ play that resulted in a sack-fumble .
“ What the hell was that ?
Mac @ @ @ @ @ time to throw the ball—not like those routes were worth a damn .
Don ’ @ @ @ @ @ stupid look you always do .
You better make an adjustment at halftime.
” At @ @ @ @ @ amalgamation of fabric and trash had been offered a new role as head coach at @ @

TUSCALOOSA, AL—Desperate to find an outlet for his frustration while recovering from coronavirus, Crimson Tide head football coach Nick Saban built an assistant coach Friday to scream at while in quarantine. “If we don’t straighten up on the next drive you’ll be back coaching nobodies at North Dakota State so fast,” yelled Saban, shoving his finger in the chest of the grass- and leaf-filled bag that comprised the coaches body after he called a play that resulted in a sack-fumble. “What the hell was that? Mac [Jones] had no time to throw the ball—not like those routes were worth a damn. Don’t give me that same stupid look you always do. You better make an adjustment at halftime.” At press time, the taped-together amalgamation of fabric and trash had been offered a new role as head coach at Michigan.


theonion--2020-12-07--Pope Francis Bags 6-Winged Trophy Angel During Vatican’s Annual Seraphim Hunt

OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

OPR joins His Holy Father in the most remote parts of Heaven to learn a little more about this time-honored tradition.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-07--Volunteer Sustains Serious Injuries From Tiger Attack At Carol Baskin’s Big Cat Rescue

A volunteer at Big Cat Rescue , an animal sanctuary featured in the Netflix documentary Tiger King , was severely @ @ @ @ @ her arm and “ nearly tore it off at the shoulder ” during a feeding @ @ @ @ @ ?
“ Too bad this did n ’ t happen earlier so she could ’ @ @ @ @ @ the show.
” “ Jesus , I can only imagine what that tiger would have @ @ @ @ @ couch.
” “ It ’ s great the tigers get the chance to engage in @ @ @ @ @ ”

A volunteer at Big Cat Rescue, an animal sanctuary featured in the Netflix documentary Tiger King, was severely injured after a tiger grabbed her arm and “nearly tore it off at the shoulder” during a feeding. What do you think?
“Too bad this did n’t happen earlier so she could’ve had a part on the show.” AJ Colitti • Systems Analyst
“Jesus, I can only imagine what that tiger would have done to my brand new couch.” Van Davenport • Taste Tester
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theonion--2020-12-07--Georgetown Hospital Staff Saddened By Elderly Patient Repeatedly Insisting He Used To Be America’s M

Georgetown Hospital Staff Saddened By Elderly Patient Repeatedly Insisting He Used To Be America’s Mayor

WASHINGTON—Surveying an enfeebled Rudy Giuliani with a mixture of bewilderment and pity , the Georgetown Hospital staff were reportedly saddened Monday by the elderly patient repeatedly insisting he used to be “ America ’ s mayor.
” “ A lot of people are pretty far gone by the time they come to us , but these delusions are probably the worst we ’ ve seen , ” said charge nurse Daniella Weber , smiling sympathetically as she retied the 76-year-old ’ s open hospital gown and nodded along to his story about rebuilding his city better than ever before .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ witness this .
He keeps saying he ’ s beloved by millions , and it ’ s just heartbreaking .
We gave him a little medicine to calm him down , but he ’ s still talking about how he single- handedly cleaned up Times Square .
He even asked to get the president o n the phone .
It ’ s so sad he ’ s going to die like this , disoriented and all alone.
” At press time , a group of nursing aides was leading Giuliani back to his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 9/11 memorial service in the morgue .

WASHINGTON—Surveying an enfeebled Rudy Giuliani with a mixture of bewilderment and pity, the Georgetown Hospital staff were reportedly saddened Monday by the elderly patient repeatedly insisting he used to be “America’s mayor.” “A lot of people are pretty far gone by the time they come to us, but these delusions are probably the worst we’ve seen,” said charge nurse Daniella Weber, smiling sympathetically as she retied the 76-year-old’s open hospital gown and nodded along to his story about rebuilding his city better than ever before. “Oh God, you hate to witness this. He keeps saying he’s beloved by millions, and it’s just heartbreaking. We gave him a little medicine to calm him down, but he’s still talking about how he single- handedly cleaned up Times Square. He even asked to get the president o n the phone. It’s so sad he’s going to die like this, disoriented and all alone.” At press time, a group of nursing aides was leading Giuliani back to his bed after finding the patient holding a 9/11 memorial service in the morgue.


theonion--2020-12-07--AppleTV+ Series Used Unlicensed Doctor To Test Actors For Covid-19

The producers of Truth Be Told , an AppleTV+ series starring Octavia Spencer and Kate Hudson , have fired the @ @ @ @ @ the show ’ s cast and crew for Covid-19 after it was discovered that he @ @ @ @ @ to practice medicine .
What do you think ?
“ Next time I worry Apple @ @ @ @ @ personal information , I ’ ll remember this.
” “ People will go to incredible @ @ @ @ @ ’ s nose .
”

The producers of Truth Be Told, an AppleTV+ series starring Octavia Spencer and Kate Hudson, have fired the on-set doctor responsible for testing the show’s cast and crew for Covid-19 after it was discovered that he does not have a license to practice medicine. What do you think?
“Next time I worry Apple knows too much of my personal information, I’ll remember this.” Roberto Fontaine • Rock Garden Designer
“Can’t they just add a licensed doctor in post?” Glen Dobbin • Horn Tooter
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theonion--2020-12-07--2020 Was Most Active Atlantic Hurricane Season On Record

This year ’ s hurricane season started weeks earlier than normal and produced 30 tropical storms and hurricanes , the @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ It ’ s hard to stay impressed by climate @ @ @ @ @ record-breaking.
” “ We can no longer ignore how dangerous levels of carbon emissions are @ @ @ @ @ .
”

This year’s hurricane season started weeks earlier than normal and produced 30 tropical storms and hurricanes, the most in recorded history. What do you think?
“It’s hard to stay impressed by climate change when every year is record-breaking.” Maya Tolli • Grout Scrubber
“See? 2020 hasn’t been all bad.” Sean Webber • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-12-07--‘This Will Be The Most Challenging Few Months In History,’ Says CDC Director Who Just Bought ‘Dark S

‘This Will Be The Most Challenging Few Months In History,’ Says CDC Director Who Just Bought ‘Dark Souls II’

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to hunker down and prepare for the worst , CDC director Robert Redford announced Monday that the coming months would be the most challenging in history after purchasing FromSoftware ’ s Dark Souls II .
“ While there ’ s light at the end of the tunnel , we ’ re anticipating some grave trials in the coming weeks , ” said Redford in a press conference in which he stressed that there could be “ hundreds or even thousands of deaths ” in the lengthy and grueling quest to defeat Queen Nashandra in the fallen kingdom of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years about how difficult this experience might be , but we never could have foreseen how dangerous [ introductory stage ] Things Betwixt actually was .
Based on our estimates , we could have hundreds of hours of harrowing action role-playing gameplay ahead of us .
Still , I assure you we ’ ll get through this together .
In fact , if anyone can leave a help message on tips for the Fume Night that would be sweet .
I ’ ve heard he ’ s a beast.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one of the most punishing periods in memory since the agency got a Ghosts ‘ N Goblins coin-op machine back in 1985 .

ATLANTA—Urging Americans to hunker down and prepare for the worst, CDC director Robert Redford announced Monday that the coming months would be the most challenging in history after purchasing FromSoftware’s Dark Souls II. “While there’s light at the end of the tunnel, we’re anticipating some grave trials in the coming weeks,” said Redford in a press conference in which he stressed that there could be “hundreds or even thousands of deaths” in the lengthy and grueling quest to defeat Queen Nashandra in the fallen kingdom of Drangleic. “Experts have warned for years about how difficult this experience might be, but we never could have foreseen how dangerous [introductory stage] Things Betwixt actually was. Based on our estimates, we could have hundreds of hours of harrowing action role-playing gameplay ahead of us. Still, I assure you we’ll get through this together. In fact, if anyone can leave a help message on tips for the Fume Night that would be sweet. I’ve heard he’s a beast.” At press time, Redford added that this could be one of the most punishing periods in memory since the agency got a Ghosts ‘N Goblins coin-op machine back in 1985.


theonion--2020-12-07--Man Catches Himself Scrolling Social Media While He Supposed To Be Masturbating

KENT , WA—Struggling to focus on completing the simple task , local man Simon Ford had reportedly caught himself scrolling @ @ @ @ @ was supposed to be masturbating .
“ Goddamnit , I ’ ve gotten sidetracked again—it @ @ @ @ @ no attention span today , ” said Ford , shaking his head in frustration as @ @ @ @ @ he had gone from browsing PornHub to reading an in-depth Twitter thread on the student @ @ @ @ @ first place .
“ I was so productive when I started , and now it @ @ @ @ @ and I ’ ve barely touched myself .
It ’ s pathetic .
It was @ @ @ @ @ the time in my schedule to do this , and now that I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ totally squandering it .
Come on , concentrate !
” At press time , Ford @ @ @ @ @ himself that if he put in his best effort and still hadn ’ t ejaculated @ @ @ @ @ would allow himself to give up and go watch TV .

KENT, WA—Struggling to focus on completing the simple task, local man Simon Ford had reportedly caught himself scrolling social media Monday while he was supposed to be masturbating. “Goddamnit, I’ve gotten sidetracked again—it’s like I have no attention span today,” said Ford, shaking his head in frustration as he tried to recall how he had gone from browsing PornHub to reading an in-depth Twitter thread on the student loan debt crisis in the first place. “I was so productive when I started, and now it’s been 30 minutes and I’ve barely touched myself. It’s pathetic. It was hard enough to carve out the time in my schedule to do this, and now that I’m here, I’m totally squandering it. Come on, concentrate!” At press time, Ford had made a deal with himself that if he put in his best effort and still hadn’t ejaculated in 15 minutes, he would allow himself to give up and go watch TV.


theonion--2020-12-07--Report: Majority Of Psychological Experiments Conducted In 1970s Just Crimes

WASHINGTON—Unable to discern any legitimate form of inquiry in the past procedures , a new report released Monday by the American Psychological Association found that nearly eight out of every 10 psychological experiments conducted in the 1970s were just crimes .
“ After analyzing hundreds of academic papers from the decade , we found that 79 % of these experiments served no scientific purpose , but in most cases were conducted simply to inflict pain and distress on their test subjects , ” the report read in part , adding that the studies , in which participants were sometimes electrocuted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for days on end without food or water , did little to advance knowledge and constituted very serious felonies in all 50 states .
“ Much of the time these researchers didn ’ t even bother to test a hypothesis or collect data , but instead just tortured student volunteers for amusement by burning them with hot irons or beating them over and over again with a sack of hammers .
However , not all experiments that broke the law involved physical or emotional agony .
We also found a 1974 study at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ given a $ 30,000 grant to just do a bunch of cocaine without any apparent research goals.
” The report went on to mention that the remaining 21 % of experiments , while not rising to the level of crimes , were still flat-out racist .

WASHINGTON—Unable to discern any legitimate form of inquiry in the past procedures, a new report released Monday by the American Psychological Association found that nearly eight out of every 10 psychological experiments conducted in the 1970s were just crimes. “After analyzing hundreds of academic papers from the decade, we found that 79% of these experiments served no scientific purpose, but in most cases were conducted simply to inflict pain and distress on their test subjects,” the report read in part, adding that the studies, in which participants were sometimes electrocuted repeatedly or locked in a dark basement for days on end without food or water, did little to advance knowledge and constituted very serious felonies in all 50 states. “Much of the time these researchers didn’t even bother to test a hypothesis or collect data, but instead just tortured student volunteers for amusement by burning them with hot irons or beating them over and over again with a sack of hammers. However, not all experiments that broke the law involved physical or emotional agony. We also found a 1974 study at Yale in which Ph D candidates were given a $30,000 grant to just do a bunch of cocaine without any apparent research goals.” The report went on to mention that the remaining 21% of experiments, while not rising to the level of crimes, were still flat-out racist.


theonion--2020-12-08--Brian Kemp Unveils Specially Trained Hogs That Can Root Out Voter Fraud

Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans can not @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear why the Georgia governor is hopeful this herd of swine will be able to detect something humans cannot.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-08--Epic Games Cancels All In-Person Fortnite Tournaments For 2021

The makers of the online video game Fortnite confirmed there will be no in-person tournaments in 2021 , including the @ @ @ @ @ to Covid-19 .
What do you think ?
“ Had I know how this pandemic @ @ @ @ @ I would have worn a mask.
” “ No livestream can capture the excitement of @ @ @ @ @ computer in real life.
” “ Now what am I going to do with my @ @ @ @ @ in town ?
”

The makers of the online video game Fortnite confirmed there will be no in-person tournaments in 2021, including the Fortnite World Cup, due to Covid-19. What do you think?
“Had I known how this pandemic was going to impact es ports I would have worn a mask.” Dana Warkentin • Health Expert
“No livestream can capture the excitement of watching someone sit at a computer in real life.” Todd Dunlop • Duck Deboner
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theonion--2020-12-08--‘I Am Immortal!’ Screams 90-Year-Old British Woman Embarking On Epic Post-Vaccination Bender

LONDON—Pounding yet another Guinness while being cheered on by regulars at her neighborhood pub , Marjorie Davies , a 90-year-old @ @ @ @ @ Covid-19 vaccine , screamed , “ I am immortal !
” Tuesday as she embarked @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Nothing can fucking stop me now !
” said the inebriated nonagenarian , @ @ @ @ @ which she reportedly punched a Metropolitan Police officer in the face , jumped naked into @ @ @ @ @ first rave , slept with dozens of strangers , vomited on passersby , and licked @ @ @ @ @ “ Holy shit , why on earth did I wait nine decades to try ketamine @ @ @ @ @ !
Woooo !
Anyone wan na drink some of my blood ?
’ Cause it @ @ @ @ @ antibodies right now !
” At press time , sources confirmed Davies had convinced her @ @ @ @ @ party going by hopping a plane to Amsterdam with her .

LONDON—Pounding yet another Guinness while being cheered on by regulars at her neighborhood pub, Marjorie Davies, a 90-year-old British recipient of the Pfizer-BioNTech Covid-19 vaccine, screamed, “I am immortal!” Tuesday as she embarked on an epic drug-and-boozed-fueled bender. “Nothing can fucking stop me now!” said the inebriated nonagenarian, beginning a debauched binge during which she reportedly punched a Metropolitan Police officer in the face, jumped naked into public fountains, attended her first rave, slept with dozens of strangers, vomited on passersby, and licked every surface in sight. “Holy shit, why on earth did I wait nine decades to try ketamine? I am on fire! Woooo! Anyone wanna drink some of my blood? ’Cause it’s absolutely teeming with antibodies right now!” At press time, sources confirmed Davies had convinced her fellow revelers to keep the party going by hopping a plane to Amsterdam with her.


theonion--2020-12-08--Trout Offended Fly Fisherman Would Just Throw Him Back Like That

HAMILTON , MT—Scoffing at the idea that anything about him was not perfect , local trout K ’ Lasp Slippins @ @ @ @ @ a fly fisherman would simply toss him back in the river .
“ Look at @ @ @ @ @ my lips , any fly fisherman would be goddamn lucky to have me .
Fuckin @ @ @ @ @ Slippins , who claimed that every other trout in the river would kill to have @ @ @ @ @ body .
“ What do those fish in his cooler have that I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t survive a day in my scales .
It ’ s just brutal to @ @ @ @ @ barely a second thought .
Well whatever , that guy is an asshole .
I @ @ @ @ @ be caught by him anyway.
” At press time Slippins was questioning whether he was @ @ @ @ @ fly fisher took a picture holding up some bon y little nobody .

HAMILTON, MT—Scoffing at the idea that anything about him was not perfect, local trout K’Lasp Slippins was reportedly offended Tuesday that a fly fisherman would simply toss him back in the river. “Look at my fins, look at my lips, any fly fisherman would be goddamn lucky to have me. Fuckin’ prick,” said Slippins, who claimed that every other trout in the river would kill to have his perfectly fatty, torpedo-shaped body. “What do those fish in his cooler have that I don’t? Those fish wouldn’t survive a day in my scales. It’s just brutal to be rejected like that with barely a second thought. Well whatever, that guy is an asshole. I wouldn’t want to be caught by him anyway.” At press time Slippins was questioning whether he was actually the problem after the fly fisher took a picture holding up some bon y little nobody.


theonion--2020-12-08--Bob Dylan Sells Entire Songwriting Catalog To Universal Music

Bob Dylan has sold his entire catalog of more than 600 songs to Universal Music in a deal that is @ @ @ @ @ $ 300 million and $ 400 million .
What do you think ?
“ This @ @ @ @ @ soulless , capitalistic greed that could inspire the next Bob Dylan album.
” “ Ugh @ @ @ @ @ want to own any of his music , I have to pirate it from Universal @ @ @ @ @ re going to regret their investment when they find out he can ’ t sing @ @

Bob Dylan has sold his entire catalog of more than 600 songs to Universal Music in a deal that is said to be worth between $300 million and $400 million. What do you think?
“This is exactly the kind of soulless, capitalistic greed that could inspire the next Bob Dylan album.” Dawn LaMarche • Juice Scientist
“Ugh, so now if I want to own any of his music, I have to pirate it from Universal?” Phillip Bedrosian • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-12-08--Desperate VH1 Greenlights New Reality Show ‘Basketball Acquaintances’

CALABASAS , CA—Scrambling to replicate the success of Basketball Wives amid an otherwise struggling lineup , VH1 announced plans Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ TV show , Basketball Acquaintances .
“ We ’ re excited to offer a peek @ @ @ @ @ NBA hangers -on and friends of friends , ” said VH1 president Chris McCarthy , @ @ @ @ @ the pilot which featured Kyrie Irving ’ s high school coach and Kevin Durant ’ @ @ @ @ @ an All-Star weekend party .
“ We ’ ve got an absolutely loaded cast—from a @ @ @ @ @ Antetokounmpo at LaGuardia to a contractor who built a patio for LeBron James .
One @ @ @ @ @ fan who has never actually had direct contact with a player , but the audience @ @ @ @ @ show has all the drama viewers have come to expect from our network.
” At @ @ @ @ @ that while no NBA player consented to appear on Basketball Acquaintances , keen viewers should @ @ @ @ @ a certain beard lurking in the background ” of the series premiere .

CALABASAS, CA—Scrambling to replicate the success of Basketball Wives amid an otherwise struggling lineup, VH1 announced plans Tuesday to greenlight a new reality TV show, Basketball Acquaintances. “We’re excited to offer a peek inside the secret lives of NBA hangers -on and friends of friends,” said VH1 president Chris McCarthy, who screened a preview of the pilot which featured Kyrie Irving’s high school coach and Kevin Durant’s tailor drunkenly arguing at an All-Star weekend party. “We’ve got an absolutely loaded cast—from a young woman who met Giannis Antetokounmpo at LaGuardia to a contractor who built a patio for LeBron James. One guy is just a Celtics fan who has never actually had direct contact with a player, but the audience will love him. The show has all the drama viewers have come to expect from our network.” At press time, McCarthy revealed that while no NBA player consented to appear on Basketball Acquaintances, keen viewers should be able to notice “a certain beard lurking in the background” of the series premiere.


theonion--2020-12-08--‘Diana’s There, On Netflix!’ Shout British Paparazzi Reflexively Ramming Car Into TV

LONDON—Cameras flashing as they barreled toward the screen upon which they believed they had spotted the Princess of Wales , @ @ @ @ @ shouting , “ Diana ’ s there , on Netflix !
” Tuesday before reflexively @ @ @ @ @ television .
“ Princess Di !
Princess Di !
Over here !
” said paparazzo @ @ @ @ @ through a central London living room at 90 mph and demolishing the flat-screen display as @ @ @ @ @ photographers attempting to get a good shot of the late princess .
“ Over here @ @ @ @ @ Dodi with you or is he back at home ?
How can you spend money @ @ @ @ @ when so many people are suffering through a pandemic ?
What do you have to @ @ @ @ @ s investigation into Martin Bashir ?
” At press time , music industry sources confirmed @ @ @ @ @ a new version of “ Candle In The Wind ” as a tribute to the @ @ @ @ @ .

LONDON—Cameras flashing as they barreled toward the screen upon which they believed they had spotted the Princess of Wales, several British paparazzi were overheard shouting, “Diana’s there, on Netflix!” Tuesday before reflexively ramming a car into a television. “Princess Di! Princess Di! Over here!” said paparazzo Edmond Dowell, gunning it through a central London living room at 90 mph and demolishing the flat-screen display as he joined the dozens of photographers attempting to get a good shot of the late princess. “Over here, Lady Di! Is Dodi with you or is he back at home? How can you spend money on a dress like that when so many people are suffering through a pandemic? What do you have to say about the BBC’s investigation into Martin Bashir?” At press time, music industry sources confirmed Elton John had just recorded a new version of “Candle In The Wind” as a tribute to the lost 43-inch LG smart TV.


theonion--2020-12-08--Woman Just Needs To Break Irresponsible Financial Habit Of Going Bankrupt, Living On Street

SAN FRANCISCO—Suggesting that the lifestyle change could produce significant economic benefit , financial experts revealed Tuesday that local woman Anette @ @ @ @ @ her irresponsible financial habit of going bankrupt and living on the street .
“ We @ @ @ @ @ of young people who have gotten stuck in a rut where they find themselves consistently @ @ @ @ @ for an inability to pay rent , ” said economist Laslo Moss , noting that @ @ @ @ @ life around simply by putting an end to losing all her money and living in @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It may seem small , but cutting back on things like getting laid @ @ @ @ @ find a job , and having armed officers drag you out of your property can @ @ @ @ @ some notable savings.
” Moss added that Defert could be even more flush with cash @ @ @ @ @ habit of requiring regular insulin injections .

SAN FRANCISCO—Suggesting that the lifestyle change could produce significant economic benefit, financial experts revealed Tuesday that local woman Anette Defert just needs to break her irresponsible financial habit of going bankrupt and living on the street. “We’re seeing a lot of young people who have gotten stuck in a rut where they find themselves consistently being evicted from their homes for an inability to pay rent,” said economist Laslo Moss, noting that Defert could completely turn her life around simply by putting an end to losing all her money and living in a tent under an overpass. “It may seem small, but cutting back on things like getting laid off, being unable to find a job, and having armed officers drag you out of your property can start to add up into some notable savings.” Moss added that Defert could be even more flush with cash if she kicked the expensive habit of requiring regular insulin injections.


theonion--2020-12-08--Rest Of Zoom Call Can Only Imagine Carnival Of Forbidden Mysteries Surrounding Coworker With Camera

Rest Of Zoom Call Can Only Imagine Carnival Of Forbidden Mysteries Surrounding Coworker With Camera Turned Off

COLUMBUS—Gazing in wonderment at the beguiling enigma before them , members of a Zoom conference call were reportedly transfixed Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ of forbidden mysteries surrounding co worker Mike Sampson , 34 , whose camera was turned @ @ @ @ @ treasures of the flesh , what depraved bacchanal lies on the other side of that @ @ @ @ @ Alicia Barnes , straining to listen every time Sampson spoke in a vain effort to @ @ @ @ @ wanton festival of untold pleasures that he was currently engaged in .
“ If only @ @ @ @ @ glimpse of the orgiastic circus of the senses with this man as its ringleader .
@ @ @ @ @ might be better not to know—such depraved delights may be so stupefying as to drive @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Sampson had turned his camera back on after finishing eating his @ @ @ @ @

COLUMBUS—Gazing in wonderment at the beguiling enigma before them, members of a Zoom conference call were reportedly transfixed Tuesday trying to imagine the carnival of forbidden mysteries surrounding co worker Mike Sampson, 34, whose camera was turned off. “What untold treasures of the flesh, what depraved bacchanal lies on the other side of that camera?” asked colleague Alicia Barnes, straining to listen every time Sampson spoke in a vain effort to gain some clue about the wanton festival of untold pleasures that he was currently engaged in. “If only we could catch just a glimpse of the orgiastic circus of the senses with this man as its ringleader. But then again, it might be better not to know—such depraved delights may be so stupefying as to drive a mere mortal mad.” At press time, Sampson had turned his camera back on after finishing eating his cup of clam chowder.


theonion--2020-12-08--‘The Virus Dies With Me!’ Shouts Covid-Infected Giuliani Clambering Into Hospital Incinerator

WASHINGTON—Vowing to conquer the pathogen once and for all , Donald Trump ’ s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani shouted , @ @ @ @ @ me !
” Tuesday while clambering into Georgetown University Hospital ’ s incinerator .
“ @ @ @ @ @ and destroy the disease within , ” said the former New York City mayor , @ @ @ @ @ an effort to boost himself into the entrance of the industrial waste burner .
“ @ @ @ @ @ , you son of a bitch—I ’ ve bested you at last .
Be gone @ @ @ @ @ , Giuliani was shrieking and writh ing on the hospital floor after realizing the inside @ @ @ @ @ hot .

WASHINGTON—Vowing to conquer the pathogen once and for all, Donald Trump’s personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani shouted, “The virus dies with me!” Tuesday while clambering into Georgetown University Hospital’s incinerator. “Take me, flames, and destroy the disease within,” said the former New York City mayor, hopping up and down in an effort to boost himself into the entrance of the industrial waste burner. “Damn you, c oronavirus, you son of a bitch—I’ve bested you at last. Be gone!” At press time, Giuliani was shrieking and writh ing on the hospital floor after realizing the inside of the incinerator was extremely hot.


theonion--2020-12-09--Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Fo

Barack Obama Enrolls In Self-Defense Classes After Trump Rolls Back Secret Service Protection For Former Presidents Named Barack Obama

Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Hear why former President Obama is also investing in a Ring camera for his front door and a fresh can of pepper spray.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-09--Floyd Mayweather, Logan Paul To Face Off In February Boxing Match

Former boxing champion Floyd Mayweather Jr. , who was undefeated during his career with a record of 50-0 , will @ @ @ @ @ in an exhibition boxing match in February .
What do you think ?
“ You @ @ @ @ @ and all of a sudden you think you can knock out Logan Paul.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ the once-great sport of YouTubing .
”

Former boxing champion Floyd Mayweather Jr., who was undefeated during his career with a record of 50-0, will fight YouTube personality Logan Paul in an exhibition boxing match in February. What do you think?
“Shoot. D id they try talking things out first?” Heath Broyden • Lie Detector
“You get a few million followers and all of a sudden you think you can knock out Logan Paul.” Aaron Stiles • Systems Analyst
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theonion--2020-12-09--Mysterious Illness Hospitalizes 300 In India

Health officials are investigating after 315 people in a city in southern India were hospitalized over the weekend after developing @ @ @ @ @ vomiting , nausea , and headaches .
What do you think ?
“ I should @ @ @ @ @ a family history of mysterious illness.
” “ Hopefully , it was just some bad @ @ @ @ @ .
”

Health officials are investigating after 315 people in a city in southern India were hospitalized over the weekend after developing epilepsy-like symptoms including seizures, vomiting, nausea, and headaches. What do you think?
“Have they tried simply denying that it’s happening?” Sandy Bevans • Field Guide
“I should be careful. I have a family history of mysterious illness.” Doug Quigley • Hype Man
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theonion--2020-12-09--Aspiring Lobbyist Gets Foot In Door As State Senator

GAITHERSBURG , MD—Plotting out a career path that would enable him to one day land his dream job , aspiring lobbyist Christopher Talley told reporters Wednesday that he ’ d been able to get his foot in the door as a state senator .
“ Obviously I can ’ t jump right into my dream gig , but being a state senator and nominally representing the people of this district for a few years will help me work my way up the ladder to something actually worthwhile , ” said Talley , who won a state senate seat in November @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 15-year plan to someday pursue the financial interests of agribusiness conglomerates in Washington .
“ Being in a state senate seat is kind of like having some control over how the government works for business , so this will help me get my feet wet and prove to potential lobbying firm employers that I have what it takes to network with people in the government biz .
The money ’ s not great right now on a public servant salary , but this is just the first step to getting into the House @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and finally make it to the lobbyist level .
I can ’ t wait.
” Talley also admitted that it did make him nervous to see how many of his state senate colleagues were also competing to be lobbyists someday .

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Plotting out a career path that would enable him to one day land his dream job, aspiring lobbyist Christopher Talley told reporters Wednesday that he’d been able to get his foot in the door as a state senator. “Obviously I can’t jump right into my dream gig, but being a state senator and nominally representing the people of this district for a few years will help me work my way up the ladder to something actually worthwhile,” said Talley, who won a state senate seat in November as the first part of his personal 15-year plan to someday pursue the financial interests of agribusiness conglomerates in Washington. “Being in a state senate seat is kind of like having some control over how the government works for business, so this will help me get my feet wet and prove to potential lobbying firm employers that I have what it takes to network with people in the government biz. The money’s not great right now on a public servant salary, but this is just the first step to getting into the House of Representatives, maybe a mid-city mayorship, and finally make it to the lobbyist level. I can’t wait.” Talley also admitted that it did make him nervous to see how many of his state senate colleagues were also competing to be lobbyists someday.


theonion--2020-12-09--Boyfriend’s Crumbling Mess Of A Life Provides Woman With Rich Array Of Christmas Gift Ideas

PORTLAND , ME—Marveling at the veritable bonanza of choices offered by his current situation , local woman Alessa Harding revealed Wednesday that the crumbling mess of her boyfriend Tom Etheridge ’ s life provided her with a rich array of Christmas gift ideas .
“ Wow , you look at basic list of items that he needs—one clean towel , underwear that isn ’ t visibly torn , a shower curtain free of mold , maybe a second set of sheets—and the options for radically transforming his life for the better are virtually endless , ” said Harding , adding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so dry in the winter that they persistently bled , so the gift of some heavy-duty hand cream alone would potentially be a game changer for the 28-year-old man .
“ Honestly , even just some simple food that isn ’ t cereal or frozen dinners would turn around his pathetic existence .
Or I can just scroll through Bed , Bath , & Beyond , grab three of these things alongside some actual glass cups , and literally revolutionize his sad life for under $ 25 .
I should get a couple @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sweater so he doesn ’ t just wear ratty old T -shirts every single day .
The possibilities are so endless that the sad way he lives actually feels like a gift to me.
” At press time , Etheridge confirmed that he hoped his girlfriend got him a copy of the PlayStation 5 action RPG Demon ’ s Souls for Christmas .

PORTLAND, ME—Marveling at the veritable bonanza of choices offered by his current situation, local woman Alessa Harding revealed Wednesday that the crumbling mess of her boyfriend Tom Etheridge’s life provided her with a rich array of Christmas gift ideas. “Wow, you look at basic list of items that he needs—one clean towel, underwear that isn’t visibly torn, a shower curtain free of mold, maybe a second set of sheets—and the options for radically transforming his life for the better are virtually endless,” said Harding, adding that Etheridge’s knuckles always became so dry in the winter that they persistently bled, so the gift of some heavy-duty hand cream alone would potentially be a game changer for the 28-year-old man. “Honestly, even just some simple food that isn’t cereal or frozen dinners would turn around his pathetic existence. Or I can just scroll through Bed, Bath, & Beyond, grab three of these things alongside some actual glass cups, and literally revolutionize his sad life for under $25. I should get a couple chambray button downs and a crew neck sweater so he doesn’t just wear ratty old T -shirts every single day. The possibilities are so endless that the sad way he lives actually feels like a gift to me.” At press time, Etheridge confirmed that he hoped his girlfriend got him a copy of the PlayStation 5 action RPG Demon’s Souls for Christmas.


theonion--2020-12-09--Health Officials Struggling To Secure Enough Dry Ice, Laser Lights For Special Effects-Heavy Vaccine

Health Officials Struggling To Secure Enough Dry Ice, Laser Lights For Special Effects-Heavy Vaccine Rollout

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to have patience while scientists put the finishing touches on the final kickass product , health officials confirmed Wednesday that they were struggling to secure enough dry ice and laser lights for the coronavirus vaccine ’ s special effects-heavy rollout .
“ The vaccine rollout relies on a complex supply chain of fog machines and LED projectors , without which we can ’ t properly melt people ’ s minds , ” said U.S. Health and Human Services spokesperson Harvey Panozza , adding that the department was working in tandem with the World Health Organization to supply @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lights , and fireworks the vaccine ’ s show-stopping debut would require .
“ It ’ s imperative that this rollout rocks the fuck out of every American .
Having the laser lights pulse in sync with the music represents the culmination of thousands of hours of hard work that went into developing an inoculation against Covid-19 .
A majority of people will get a vaccine presentation that features flashy pyrotechnics and a legendary , axe-shredding guitar solo backed up by a full symphony orchestra , which we ’ re confident will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , health experts warned that rural areas without access to professional special effects designers would need to make do with a few lava lamps and a boombox playing Pink Floyd ’ s The Dark Side Of The Moon .

WASHINGTON—Urging the public to have patience while scientists put the finishing touches on the final kickass product, health officials confirmed Wednesday that they were struggling to secure enough dry ice and laser lights for the coronavirus vaccine’s special effects-heavy rollout. “The vaccine rollout relies on a complex supply chain of fog machines and LED projectors, without which we can’t properly melt people’s minds,” said U.S. Health and Human Services spokesperson Harvey Panozza, adding that the department was working in tandem with the World Health Organization to supply the millions of confetti cannons, strobe lights, and fireworks the vaccine’s show-stopping debut would require. “It’s imperative that this rollout rocks the fuck out of every American. Having the laser lights pulse in sync with the music represents the culmination of thousands of hours of hard work that went into developing an inoculation against Covid-19. A majority of people will get a vaccine presentation that features flashy pyrotechnics and a legendary, axe-shredding guitar solo backed up by a full symphony orchestra, which we’re confident will be trippy as hell.” At press time, health experts warned that rural areas without access to professional special effects designers would need to make do with a few lava lamps and a boombox playing Pink Floyd’s The Dark Side Of The Moon.


theonion--2020-12-09--Jared Fogle Says Prison Has Made Him Realize How Wrong He Was To Endorse Subway

LITTLETON , CO—Expressing profound remorse for his past actions , Jared Fogle admitted to reporters Wednesday that prison has made him realize how wrong he was to endorse Subway .
“ When I look back on the unimaginable harm I caused people by telling them that Subway was a healthy way to lose weight , I can ’ t believe I could have done something so unforgivable , ” said Fogle , who is currently serving a 13-to-15-year federal prison sentence , adding that he ’ d been beaten up several times by other inmates for his history of hawking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Fortunately , in prison I ’ ve had time to really reflect on what I ’ ve done , and hopefully learn from it .
I mean , it shakes me to the core thinking about what I did to all those children—endorsing the Subway Kids ’ Pak as a nutritious alternative to a real meal is an atrocity that no one should ever be subjected to .
It was completely fucked up .
When I finally get out of here , I swear I ’ ll never do something as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” A teary-eyed Fogle also told reporters that he just hoped his own sordid criminal past would inspire others to avoid turning to a life of selling Subway products .

LITTLETON, CO—Expressing profound remorse for his past actions, Jared Fogle admitted to reporters Wednesday that prison has made him realize how wrong he was to endorse Subway. “When I look back on the unimaginable harm I caused people by telling them that Subway was a healthy way to lose weight, I can’t believe I could have done something so unforgivable,” said Fogle, who is currently serving a 13-to-15-year federal prison sentence, adding that he’d been beaten up several times by other inmates for his history of hawking Subway products on television and in print. “Fortunately, in prison I’ve had time to really reflect on what I’ve done, and hopefully learn from it. I mean, it shakes me to the core thinking about what I did to all those children—endorsing the Subway Kids’ Pak as a nutritious alternative to a real meal is an atrocity that no one should ever be subjected to. It was completely fucked up. When I finally get out of here, I swear I’ll never do something as obscene as shill for Subway ever again.” A teary-eyed Fogle also told reporters that he just hoped his own sordid criminal past would inspire others to avoid turning to a life of selling Subway products.


theonion--2020-12-09--Gamer Camping Outside Home Depot On Off Chance They Start Stocking PS5s

WATERLOO , IA—Calling the strategy his best chance of getting his hands on the hotly anticipated console before 2021 , local student Teddy Sullivan told reporters Monday that he would continue to camp outside the nearby Home Depot on the off chance they start stocking the PlayStation 5 .
“ It ’ s amazing because there isn ’ t even a line yet , but I have this tent , a bedroll , and enough instant ramen to last me until the end of the year just in case they decide to start carrying PS5s , ” said Sullivan , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ improvement store had not publicly announced plans to carry the next-generation console , he would be “ totally set ” if they put a few Digital Editions in the large appliances or DIY lighting section .
“ I asked the guy in gardening if he thought any gaming stuff was coming in soon and he just ignored me , which I ’ m taking to mean he might have some insider info .
Obviously , no guarantee .
But you can kind of imagine them getting a few PlayStations and putting them up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ God , it ’ s cold out here.
” At press time , Sullivan had announced the Demon ’ s Souls graphics were far more realistic than he ever expected while apparently experiencing the first symptoms of hypothermia .

WATERLOO, IA—Calling the strategy his best chance of getting his hands on the hotly anticipated console before 2021, local student Teddy Sullivan told reporters Monday that he would continue to camp outside the nearby Home Depot on the off chance they start stocking the PlayStation 5. “It’s amazing because there isn’t even a line yet, but I have this tent, a bedroll, and enough instant ramen to last me until the end of the year just in case they decide to start carrying PS5s,” said Sullivan, emphasizing that while he knew the home improvement store had not publicly announced plans to carry the next-generation console, he would be “totally set” if they put a few Digital Editions in the large appliances or DIY lighting section. “I asked the guy in gardening if he thought any gaming stuff was coming in soon and he just ignored me, which I’m taking to mean he might have some insider info. Obviously, no guarantee. But you can kind of imagine them getting a few PlayStations and putting them up by the cash register, right? God, it’s cold out here.” At press time, Sullivan had announced the Demon’s Souls graphics were far more realistic than he ever expected while apparently experiencing the first symptoms of hypothermia.


theonion--2020-12-10--Rising Coronavirus Cases Force Chicago To Set Up Temporary Bars In Hospitals

Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they ’ ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA @ @ @ @ @ the makeshift drinking establishments .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify @ @ @ @ @ Stitcher .

Hear why Chicago officials are hopeful they’ll be able to effectively serve all citizens a frothy craft IPA in a chilled mug throughout the makeshift drinking establishments.
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You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-10--Man Named William Shakespeare Is One Of First in England to Receive Coronavirus Vaccine

Eighty-one-year-old William Shakespeare of Warwickshire , England became one of the first in the world to receive Pfizer ’ s @ @ @ @ @ clinical trial as the country ’ s mass vaccination project rolled out this week .
@ @ @ @ @ “ That ’ s crazy .
He ’ s got the same first name as @ @ @ @

Eighty-one-year-old William Shakespeare of Warwickshire, England became one of the first in the world to receive Pfizer’s Covid-19 vaccine outside of a clinical trial as the country’s mass vaccination project rolled out this week. What do you think?
“Where do I know that n ame ‘coronavirus’ from?” Buck Clancy • Systems Analyst
“That’s crazy. He’s got the same first name as William Shatner.” Sofia Breen • Bird Masseuse
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theonion--2020-12-10--Pantone Unveils 2 Colors Of The Year For 2021

Pantone announced Ultimate Gray and Illuminating , a bright yellow , are their colors of the year for 2021 , @ @ @ @ @ 22 years the company has chosen two colors .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ getting so sick of the constant attack ads .
”

Pantone announced Ultimate Gray and Illuminating, a bright yellow, are their colors of the year for 2021, marking the second time in 22 years the company has chosen two colors. What do you think?
“Classic Blue’s reign of terror is finally over.” Darryl Flores • Wine Corker
“Oh shoot, and I just spray-painted my car Basically Brown.” Jake Reid • Unemployed
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theonion--2020-12-10--Taylor Swift Fans Furious After Artist Excluded From ESPN’s List Of Best NBA Players Of 2020

SCOTTSDALE , AZ—Coordinating to lambast the publication across social media platforms , Taylor Swift fans were reportedly furious Thursday after the artist was excluded from ESPN ’ s list of the best NBA players of 2020 .
“ This has been one of the most definitive years of Taylor ’ s entire career—where the hell is she at ?
” said local fan Brooke Erickson who , along with thousands of others of Swift ’ s loyal supporters , began tagging the site ’ s author and editors on Twitter demanding to know why the musician was snubbed .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ working and most talented people in the industry , and this is how they treat her ?
I want to know what metrics they ’ re using .
Assist rate ?
Games played ?
Hey , how about you play Folklore from start to finish instead and try to tell me you don ’ t feel something .
Who the fuck is Kawhi Leonard ?
This just shows how irrelevant ESPN has become.
” At press time , Erickson added the omission was especially senseless considering Du a Lipa was ranked number nine @

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Coordinating to lambast the publication across social media platforms, Taylor Swift fans were reportedly furious Thursday after the artist was excluded from ESPN’s list of the best NBA players of 2020. “This has been one of the most definitive years of Taylor’s entire career—where the hell is she at?” said local fan Brooke Erickson who, along with thousands of others of Swift’s loyal supporters, began tagging the site’s author and editors on Twitter demanding to know why the musician was snubbed. “Taylor Swift is one of the hardest working and most talented people in the industry, and this is how they treat her? I want to know what metrics they’re using. Assist rate? Games played? Hey, how about you play Folklore from start to finish instead and try to tell me you don’t feel something. Who the fuck is Kawhi Leonard? This just shows how irrelevant ESPN has become.” At press time, Erickson added the omission was especially senseless considering Du a Lipa was ranked number nine.