theonion--2020-11-24--CDC Shuts Down Thanksgiving Travel By Carrying Out Simultaneous Attacks On All Of Nation’s Airports,

CDC Shuts Down Thanksgiving Travel By Carrying Out Simultaneous Attacks On All Of Nation’s Airports, Train Stations

ATLANTA—Stressing that staying home this year had become far and away the safest option available , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shut down Thanksgiving travel this week by carrying out major terrorist attacks on all of the nation ’ s airports and trains stations .
“ We understand the temptation to travel to see loved ones this holiday season , but it ’ s important to understand that the dirty bombs and chemical weapons detonated at every major airport from LAX to JFK make travel inadvisable for the foreseeable future , ” said Director Robert R. Redfield , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the halt of any the coronavirus spread with the additional dynamiting of 50,000 miles of highways , carpet-bombing of all significant rail lines , and placing heads on pikes outside most bus depots as a warning to would-be travelers .
“ Your safety is our foremost concern , which is why we also recommend that Americans avoid traveling on public transportation , as each and every bus and train has been rigged to explode with C-4 if anyone steps on-board .
Anyway , it ’ s just common sense to take care of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ late 2021 when the sarin gas clears from your hometown.
” At press time , an AP journalist following up on whether healthy , young Americans were advised to travel home had immediately been taken out by a five- kiloton bomb dropped from a CDC drone .

ATLANTA—Stressing that staying home this year had become far and away the safest option available, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shut down Thanksgiving travel this week by carrying out major terrorist attacks on all of the nation’s airports and trains stations. “We understand the temptation to travel to see loved ones this holiday season, but it’s important to understand that the dirty bombs and chemical weapons detonated at every major airport from LAX to JFK make travel inadvisable for the foreseeable future,” said Director Robert R. Redfield, adding that the CDC agents had guaranteed the halt of any the coronavirus spread with the additional dynamiting of 50,000 miles of highways, carpet-bombing of all significant rail lines, and placing heads on pikes outside most bus depots as a warning to would-be travelers. “Your safety is our foremost concern, which is why we also recommend that Americans avoid traveling on public transportation, as each and every bus and train has been rigged to explode with C-4 if anyone steps on-board. Anyway, it’s just common sense to take care of yourself and wait to see relatives until late 2021 when the sarin gas clears from your hometown.” At press time, an AP journalist following up on whether healthy, young Americans were advised to travel home had immediately been taken out by a five- kiloton bomb dropped from a CDC drone.


theonion--2020-11-24--Health Department Adds Steps To Heimlich Maneuver Poster Where Choking Victim Finishes Food They Cou

Health Department Adds Steps To Heimlich Maneuver Poster Where Choking Victim Finishes Food They Coughed Up

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the update was long overdue , the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday it had added new steps to the Heimlich maneuver poster so it would include the part where choking victims finished eating the food they had coughed up .
“ We ’ re now formally advising Heimlich-certified individuals to expel the food from the choking person ’ s windpipe , retrieve it from wherever it lands , and immediately place it back onto a dish for re-consumption , ” said HHS s ecretary Alex Azar , urging first aid providers to simply re-administer the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the regurgitated item during their second attempt to swallow it .
“ After wrapping your arms around the person ’ s waist and performing five abdominal thrusts , it is imperative you place the bile-soaked chunks back into their mouth and move their jaws up and down to assist them in thorough chewing .
Please note that with tougher pieces of gristle or a stale bread heel this whole process may take several tries.
” HHS officials went on to announce they had updated the universal sign for choking to include a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hoagie .

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the update was long overdue, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday it had added new steps to the Heimlich maneuver poster so it would include the part where choking victims finished eating the food they had coughed up. “We’re now formally advising Heimlich-certified individuals to expel the food from the choking person’s windpipe, retrieve it from wherever it lands, and immediately place it back onto a dish for re-consumption,” said HHS s ecretary Alex Azar, urging first aid providers to simply re-administer the Heimlich in the event a victim chokes on the regurgitated item during their second attempt to swallow it. “After wrapping your arms around the person’s waist and performing five abdominal thrusts, it is imperative you place the bile-soaked chunks back into their mouth and move their jaws up and down to assist them in thorough chewing. Please note that with tougher pieces of gristle or a stale bread heel this whole process may take several tries.” HHS officials went on to announce they had updated the universal sign for choking to include a motion in which one pantomimes eating a hoagie.


theonion--2020-11-24--Facts Carefully Redacted From Travel Story To Avoid Revealing It Mission Trip

NEW YORK—Withholding any details that would betray the religious nature of the excursion abroad , local woman Catherine Angelos carefully redacted a travel story Tuesday to avoid revealing to friends that her purported vacation was actually a church mission trip .
“ Oh , yeah , I had an awesome time in Guatemala , ” said the 28-year-old public relations associate who , in her recounting of the journey , meticulously omitted any mention of the prayer circles , evangelizing , or conversion campaigns she engaged in while visiting the Central American country .
“ I was with this , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people , and we avoided the more touristy stuff .
We mostly just hung around in this one small village .
It was cool , because I got to know a lot of the locals .
Oh , and party with them !
Yeah , we were always strumming gu itars and singing songs .
Anyway , it ’ s an absolutely beautiful place.
” At press time , Angelos was reportedly insisting that the friends she went on the trip with were definitely from a soccer camp and not part of a @ @ @ @

NEW YORK—Withholding any details that would betray the religious nature of the excursion abroad, local woman Catherine Angelos carefully redacted a travel story Tuesday to avoid revealing to friends that her purported vacation was actually a church mission trip. “Oh, yeah, I had an awesome time in Guatemala,” said the 28-year-old public relations associate who, in her recounting of the journey, meticulously omitted any mention of the prayer circles, evangelizing, or conversion campaigns she engaged in while visiting the Central American country. “I was with this, uh, kind of big group of people, and we avoided the more touristy stuff. We mostly just hung around in this one small village. It was cool, because I got to know a lot of the locals. Oh, and party with them! Yeah, we were always strumming gu itars and singing songs. Anyway, it’s an absolutely beautiful place.” At press time, Angelos was reportedly insisting that the friends she went on the trip with were definitely from a soccer camp and not part of a Pentecostal youth retreat.


theonion--2020-11-24--Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy

Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to @ @ @ @ @ layers .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-24--Fauci Says Santa Immune To Coronavirus

Fauci Says Santa Immune To Coronavirus

Leading infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci told USA TODAY that Santa Claus has an innate immunity to Covid-19 and @ @ @ @ @ others .
What do you think ?
“ Virologists still d on ’ t yet @ @ @ @ @ be making claims like this.
” “ And did he offer any comforting lies about @ @ @ @ @ ?
” “ Then his blood is invaluable and I will pay any price .
@

Leading infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci told USA TODAY that Santa Claus has an innate immunity to Covid-19 and cannot spread infection to others. What do you think?
“Virologists still d on’t yet know enough about Santa to be making claims like this.” Yuri Bates • Second Mate
“And did he offer any comforting lies about coronavirus to calm us adults?” George Ruggieri • Flashcard Maker
Advertisement


theonion--2020-11-26--Parents Allow Excited Children To Tear Open One Turkey For Thanksgiving Eve

ATHENS , GA—Beaming as the youngsters rushed down the stairs and threw open the oven doors , parents Jack and @ @ @ @ @ children Wednesday to tear open one turkey for Thanksgiving Eve .
“ We know it @ @ @ @ @ , but there ’ s nothing more magical than sitting around with friends and family @ @ @ @ @ your kid rip right into that beautiful , crispy , herbed skin , ” said @ @ @ @ @ daughter picked up various Butterballs , shook them , and tried to determine which ones @ @ @ @ @ “ When I was their age , I used to wait all year for the @ @ @ @ @ turkey off the roasting pan and fling meat , bones , and grease everywhere .
@ @ @ @ @ my own daughter sleeping with a 20-pound bird under her pillow because she just couldn @ @ @ @ @ press time , Packton told reporters he probably should have hid the rest of the @ @ @ @ @ finding dozens of carcasses strewn in their closet .

ATHENS, GA—Beaming as the youngsters rushed down the stairs and threw open the oven doors, parents Jack and Christina Packton allowed their excited children Wednesday to tear open one turkey for Thanksgiving Eve. “We know it’s a day early, but there’s nothing more magical than sitting around with friends and family on Wednesday night and watching your kid rip right into that beautiful, crispy, herbed skin,” said Jack as his son and daughter picked up various Butterballs, shook them, and tried to determine which ones they should open first. “When I was their age, I used to wait all year for the chance to pick just one turkey off the roasting pan and fling meat, bones, and grease everywhere. Yesterday, I even caught my own daughter sleeping with a 20-pound bird under her pillow because she just couldn’t wait.” At press time, Packton told reporters he probably should have hid the rest of the kids’ turkeys better after finding dozens of carcasses strewn in their closet.


theonion--2020-11-25--Unexplained Metal Monolith Discovered In Utah

The Bureau of Land Management is investigating after a helicopter crew in Utah stumbled upon a shiny metallic monolith standing @ @ @ @ @ a remote area of the state , which they believe may be an illegal art @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Let ’ s just appreciate it for the ominous slab of metal @ @ @ @ @ f or a reason for its existence.
” “ Not all aliens want to visit @ @ @ @ @

The Bureau of Land Management is investigating after a helicopter crew in Utah stumbled upon a shiny metallic monolith standing roughly 10 feet tall in a remote area of the state, which they believe may be an illegal art installation. What do you think?
“Let’s just appreciate it for the ominous slab of metal it is instead of looking f or a reason for its existence.” Patty Stoneham • Glass Grinder
“All shitty art leaves viewers with more questions than answers.” Ricardo West • Tea Enthusiast
Advertisement


theonion--2020-11-25--Biden Receives First Box Of Wadded-Up Napkins And Receipts Comprising Trump Intelligence Briefing

WILMINGTON , DE—Ending two weeks of a transition blockade , P resident-elect Joe Biden confirmed Wednesday that he had received his first box of wadded-up napkins and greasy receipts comprising President Trump ’ s intelligence briefing .
“ We appreciate the Trump administration cooperating in a peaceful transition of power , and our team has already begun sifting through the important information scrawled on the odd banana peel and tuna can , ” said Biden , adding that his staff was already using the damp cardboard box of soiled tissues and a plethora of crumpled hamburger wrappers containing possible national @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Some of the information we received may just be old take-out menus smeared in grease with some food items circled , but we can ’ t be sure , so we ’ ll be keeping them in case they contain any details of CIA covert actions .
We ’ re also meeting with experts from the National Security Council , who are going to help us decipher the state secrets that seem to be written in barbecue sauce on the back of an empty Little Debbie Swiss Rolls box.
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was reportedly very alarmed by some smeared toothpaste on a Doritos bag that seemed to reference an impending terrorist attack on the United States .

WILMINGTON, DE—Ending two weeks of a transition blockade, P resident-elect Joe Biden confirmed Wednesday that he had received his first box of wadded-up napkins and greasy receipts comprising President Trump’s intelligence briefing. “We appreciate the Trump administration cooperating in a peaceful transition of power, and our team has already begun sifting through the important information scrawled on the odd banana peel and tuna can,” said Biden, adding that his staff was already using the damp cardboard box of soiled tissues and a plethora of crumpled hamburger wrappers containing possible national security threats to plan foreign policy strategy. “Some of the information we received may just be old take-out menus smeared in grease with some food items circled, but we can’t be sure, so we’ll be keeping them in case they contain any details of CIA covert actions. We’re also meeting with experts from the National Security Council, who are going to help us decipher the state secrets that seem to be written in barbecue sauce on the back of an empty Little Debbie Swiss Rolls box.” At press time, the Biden transition team was reportedly very alarmed by some smeared toothpaste on a Doritos bag that seemed to reference an impending terrorist attack on the United States.


theonion--2020-11-25--Brief Viewing Of BET Ushers Caucasian Into Alternate World Of African American Advertisements

VALLEY FORGE , PA—Wondering aloud whether some of the products appearing on his television were even real , local Caucasian man Landon McGill was reportedly ushered into an alternate world Wednesday when a brief viewing of BET exposed him to advertisements intended for African Americans .
“ Whoa , what ’ s happening—it ’ s like I ’ ve been transported to a universe where there are special online dating sites just for black people , ” said McGill , who expressed surprise upon watching what he thought was a McDonald ’ s commercial just like any other he had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enjoying the fast food items was black instead of white .
“ These look like regular ads , but then they ’ ll be for shampoo brands and beauty products I ’ ve never heard of .
Seriously , what ’ s going on here ?
It ’ s been 15 minutes and they haven ’ t shown a single Volkswagen commercial .
I ’ ve never seen any of these shows before , either .
I got ta tell my buddies about this.
” At press time , sources confirmed a stunned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after he changed the channel and discovered a baffling program in which everyone was speaking Spanish .

VALLEY FORGE, PA—Wondering aloud whether some of the products appearing on his television were even real, local Caucasian man Landon McGill was reportedly ushered into an alternate world Wednesday when a brief viewing of BET exposed him to advertisements intended for African Americans. “Whoa, what’s happening—it’s like I’ve been transported to a universe where there are special online dating sites just for black people,” said McGill, who expressed surprise upon watching what he thought was a McDonald’s commercial just like any other he had seen, until he realized the family enjoying the fast food items was black instead of white. “These look like regular ads, but then they’ll be for shampoo brands and beauty products I’ve never heard of. Seriously, what’s going on here? It’s been 15 minutes and they haven’t shown a single Volkswagen commercial. I’ve never seen any of these shows before, either. I gotta tell my buddies about this.” At press time, sources confirmed a stunned McGill had begun to question his sanity after he changed the channel and discovered a baffling program in which everyone was speaking Spanish.


theonion--2020-11-25--Tommy Tuberville Slammed For Using Free Car, Auburn Cheerleaders To Recruit 5-Star Senate Intern

WASHINGTON—Calling it a blatantly corrupt abuse of the recruitment system , critics slammed Alabama ’ s senator-elect Tommy Tuberville Wednesday @ @ @ @ @ Auburn cheerleaders to lure a five -star intern onto his staff .
“ Tuberville clearly @ @ @ @ @ dinners and signed footballs to snatch him away from Ted Cruz , ” said whistleblower @ @ @ @ @ Tuberville took the highly touted Yale senior on a “ business ” trip to a @ @ @ @ @ of dollars on escorts to inappropriately sway him towards joining his team on Capitol Hill @ @ @ @ @ supposed to do this for college credit .
We ’ re talking about a once-in-a-generation @ @ @ @ @ elite prep school .
Any senator would be happy to add him to their roster @ @ @ @ @ unfortunate that someone like Tommy can just buy their way through the process.
” At @ @ @ @ @ plans to suspend the intern for two sessions of Congress for accepting illicit funds .

WASHINGTON—Calling it a blatantly corrupt abuse of the recruitment system, critics slammed Alabama’s senator-elect Tommy Tuberville Wednesday for using free cars and Auburn cheerleaders to lure a five -star intern onto his staff. “Tuberville clearly spoiled this guy with steakhouse dinners and signed footballs to snatch him away from Ted Cruz,” said whistleblower Josh Winston, who claims Tuberville took the highly touted Yale senior on a “business” trip to a Cancun resort and spent thousands of dollars on escorts to inappropriately sway him towards joining his team on Capitol Hill. “These kids are supposed to do this for college credit. We’re talking about a once-in-a-generation intern who comes from an elite prep school. Any senator would be happy to add him to their roster, and it’s unfortunate that someone like Tommy can just buy their way through the process.” At press time, Tuberville announced plans to suspend the intern for two sessions of Congress for accepting illicit funds.


theonion--2020-11-25--Gamers, We Pulled Some Strings And We’re Pleased To Announce That The Common Loon Is Now Officially

Gamers, We Pulled Some Strings And We’re Pleased To Announce That The Common Loon Is Now Officially The Gaming Bird

Boy , have we got some good news for you , gamers .
Oh yes , we do .
What is it , you may be wondering ?
Well , get ready , because it ’ s going to knock your socks off : After pulling some strings , we are pleased to announce that the common loon Gavia immer is now officially the gaming bird !
Yep , that ’ s right .
Thanks to our connections , the bird known as the Great Northern Diver has now been sanctioned as the avian ambassador for PC and console users @ @ @ @ @ @ @ readers .
Don ’ t say we ’ ve never done anything for you .
How did we do it , you ask ?
How did we manage to get the monogamous , crustacean-eating Nearctic waterfowl appointed as the official gaming bird ?
Well , having spent decades as the i nternet ’ s premiere website for video game journalism , we ’ ve made some friends in high places .
Let ’ s just say we reached out to our people at the Audubon Society , called in a few favors from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wildlife Fund for Nature , and , well , we managed to work something out .
That ’ s not important , though .
What is important is that the common loon , with its vibrant plumage and highly adept fishing skills , is now a certified symbol for gamers around the world , from JRPG fans to Battle Royale esports champions and everyone in between , and you have us to thank for it .
We could ’ ve settled for the yellow-rumped warbler or the northern cardinal , but no .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , gamers .
Sure , we may have had to grease some palms and scratch some backs , but don ’ t go worrying your pretty little heads about all of that .
We have our ins , and we ’ ll use them for you .
We live to serve our friends , after all .
Now , every time you hear the magnificent tremolo call of the common loon or see one building a nest out of dead marsh grass , you can feel comfortable knowing that this creature , in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you .
Okay , look , to be totally honest , gamers , there ’ s a little bit more about this deal that we haven ’ t let you in on .
Apparently , one of the loans we took out to pay off a WWF officials was linked to the Kurdish m afia .
Who knew , right ?
Anyway , we may have pissed off some of the wrong people while working out this deal and we may need to lam it for a bit in Peru .
But still @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we said it wasn ’ t worth getting in over our heads a bit in exchange for securing such a magnificent specimen as the official gaming bird .
Besides , this will all blow over soon , and once it does , we can start talking to some of our connects about ma king conifers the official gaming plant .
Just you wait , gamers .
Oh , just you wait .

Boy, have we got some good news for you, gamers. Oh yes, we do. What is it, you may be wondering? Well, get ready, because it’s going to knock your socks off: After pulling some strings, we are pleased to announce that the common loon Gavia immer is now officially the gaming bird!
Yep, that’s right. Thanks to our connections, the bird known as the Great Northern Diver has now been sanctioned as the avian ambassador for PC and console users alike.
Advertisement
You’re welcome, readers. Don’t say we’ve never done anything for you.
How did we do it, you ask? How did we manage to get the monogamous, crustacean-eating Nearctic waterfowl appointed as the official gaming bird? Well, having spent decades as the i nternet’s premiere website for video game journalism, we’ve made some friends in high places. Let’s just say we reached out to our people at the Audubon Society, called in a few favors from some old business associates at the World Wildlife Fund for Nature, and, well, we managed to work something out.
Advertisement Advertisement
That’s not important, though. What is important is that the common loon, with its vibrant plumage and highly adept fishing skills, is now a certified symbol for gamers around the world, from JRPG fans to Battle Royale esports champions and everyone in between, and you have us to thank for it.
We could’ve settled for the yellow-rumped warbler or the northern cardinal, but no. We wanted only the best for you, gamers. Sure, we may have had to grease some palms and scratch some backs, but don’t go worrying your pretty little heads about all of that. We have our ins, and we’ll use them for you. We live to serve our friends, after all.
Advertisement
Now, every time you hear the magnificent tremolo call of the common loon or see one building a nest out of dead marsh grass, you can feel comfortable knowing that this creature, in all its glory, represents gamers like you.
Okay, look, to be totally honest, gamers, there’s a little bit more about this deal that we haven’t let you in on. Apparently, one of the loans we took out to pay off a WWF officials was linked to the Kurdish m afia. Who knew, right? Anyway, we may have pissed off some of the wrong people while working out this deal and we may need to lam it for a bit in Peru. But still, we’d be lying if we said it wasn’t worth getting in over our heads a bit in exchange for securing such a magnificent specimen as the official gaming bird.
Advertisement
Besides, this will all blow over soon, and once it does, we can start talking to some of our connects about ma king conifers the official gaming plant. Just you wait, gamers. Oh, just you wait.


theonion--2020-11-25--Humane Society Urges Americans To Opt For Shelter Turkey This Thanksgiving

Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in @ @ @ @ @ , warm forever home this Thanksgiving .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

Hear why some animal activists are asking people to consider giving one of the thousands of lonely turkeys trapped in an animal shelter a nice, warm forever home this Thanksgiving.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-11-25--Millions Travel Home For Thanksgiving Despite CDC Warnings

Despite warnings from the CDC to stay home , Thanksgiving may as usual be the busiest travel period of the @ @ @ @ @ million Americans passed through airport screenings on Sunday .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ brings more than 3.4 ounces of liquid on their flight , everyone should still be @ @ @ @ @ knows I ’ m gon na kill them one way or another.
” “ Millions @ @ @ @ @ a single one of them visiting me .
”

Despite warnings from the CDC to stay home, Thanksgiving may as usual be the busiest travel period of the year, as nearly 1 million Americans passed through airport screenings on Sunday. What do you think?
“As long as no one brings more than 3.4 ounces of liquid on their flight, everyone should still be safe.” Joseph Mehan • Local Pilferer
“My family knows I’m gonna kill them one way or another.” Bruce Hernandez • Burial Attendant
Advertisement


theonion--2020-11-24--Staff Slowly Introducing Biden To Oval-Shaped Rooms For Smoother Transition To White House

WILMINGTON , DE—Stressing that the preparation would help the administration hit the ground running , staff members announced plans Tuesday to slowly introduce Joe Biden to oval-shaped rooms for a smoother transition to the White House .
“ Our team wants to make sure the p resident e lect doesn ’ t miss a beat on day one , which is why we ’ re spending the next 50 days gradually removing all corners from his residence , ” said deputy chief of staff Jen O ’ Malley Dillon , revealing that Biden would be consulting with a team of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the implications of seeing curved walls wherever he looked .
“ What many presidential administrations don ’ t anticipate is exactly how curvy the walls are going to be .
In fact , President Carter ’ s reelection campaign was doomed from the beginning because of how many hours he spent daily feeling his way along the sides of a wall , expecting to bump into a corner .
He never did .
We don ’ t intend to let that happen again.
” At press time , the administration had sent out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 15 million to build an exact replica of the Oval Office in downtown Wilmington for Biden to explore .

WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that the preparation would help the administration hit the ground running, staff members announced plans Tuesday to slowly introduce Joe Biden to oval-shaped rooms for a smoother transition to the White House. “Our team wants to make sure the p resident e lect doesn’t miss a beat on day one, which is why we’re spending the next 50 days gradually removing all corners from his residence,” said deputy chief of staff Jen O’Malley Dillon, revealing that Biden would be consulting with a team of the nation’s foremost architects on the implications of seeing curved walls wherever he looked. “What many presidential administrations don’t anticipate is exactly how curvy the walls are going to be. In fact, President Carter’s reelection campaign was doomed from the beginning because of how many hours he spent daily feeling his way along the sides of a wall, expecting to bump into a corner. He never did. We don’t intend to let that happen again.” At press time, the administration had sent out an email announcing a fundraising goal of $15 million to build an exact replica of the Oval Office in downtown Wilmington for Biden to explore.


theonion--2020-11-24--GM To Recall 7 Million Vehicles

GM To Recall 7 Million Vehicles

GM will comply with a National Highway Traffic Safety Commission order to replace faulty airbag inflators in 7 million trucks @ @ @ @ @ recall which the company estimates will cost $ 1.2 billion dollars .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ I h ardly ever use my airbags.
” “ I don ’ t think GM @ @ @ @ @ the responsibility for the vehicles it manufactures and sells .
”

GM will comply with a National Highway Traffic Safety Commission order to replace faulty airbag inflators in 7 million trucks and SUVs worldwide, a recall which the company estimates will cost $1.2 billion dollars. What do you think?
“Eh, I h ardly ever use my airbags.” Tim Casper • Systems Analyst
“I don’t think GM should have to bear all the responsibility for the vehicles it manufactures and sells.” Hannah Cucuzza • Pigeon Trapper
Advertisement


theonion--2020-11-24--Grief Psychologists Say Best Way To Cope With Death In The Family Is Dropping 50 In NBA Game

PITTSBURGH , PA—Urging suffering individuals to take concrete action to address their lingering pain , grief psychologists from Carnegie Mellon @ @ @ @ @ finding that the best way to cope with a death in the family is dropping @ @ @ @ @ game .
“ According to our data , the first stage of healing should involve @ @ @ @ @ a monster dunk and releasing a primal scream , ” said lead researcher Gena Kennedy @ @ @ @ @ with death is challenging , going 9-10 from beyond the arc can function as a @ @ @ @ @ We strongly urge anyone grieving a loved one to point up to the heavens after @ @ @ @ @ jumper right in a defender ’ s face .
We ’ ve also found that @ @ @ @ @ the deceased can be cathartic—even if it means intentionally missing a free throw .
Joining @ @ @ @ @ them to a 30-point blowout over a division rival has proven emotional benefits.
” The @ @ @ @ @ win an NBA championship to pay tribute to the deceased .

PITTSBURGH, PA—Urging suffering individuals to take concrete action to address their lingering pain, grief psychologists from Carnegie Mellon University released a study Tuesday finding that the best way to cope with a death in the family is dropping 50 points in an NBA game. “According to our data, the first stage of healing should involve hanging from the rim after a monster dunk and releasing a primal scream,” said lead researcher Gena Kennedy, conceding that while grappling with death is challenging, going 9-10 from beyond the arc can function as a potent relief valve. “We strongly urge anyone grieving a loved one to point up to the heavens after a nailing an impossible fadeaway jumper right in a defender’s face. We’ve also found that scoring the exact age of the deceased can be cathartic—even if it means intentionally missing a free throw. Joining an NBA roster and leading them to a 30-point blowout over a division rival has proven emotional benefits.” The report concluded by recommending mourners win an NBA championship to pay tribute to the deceased .


theonion--2020-11-26--Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving O

Man Getting High And Eating Taco Bell Thousands Of Miles Away From Family Having Best Thanksgiving Of Life

SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped , poorly lit apartment , local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having @ @ @ @ @ life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his @ @ @ @ @ I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderful , ” said Borkowski , @ @ @ @ @ pipe in one hand and a chalupa in the other as he watched episodes of @ @ @ @ @ on his laptop .
“ The Taco Bell guy got my order pretty much right @ @ @ @ @ plenty of weed .
Meanwhile , my parents are on the other side of the @ @ @ @ @ different timezone , so our entire interaction this year was a five-minute phone call while @ @ @ @ @ There truly is so much to be thankful for.
” At press time , sources @ @ @ @ @ reflecting on the likelihood that this year his Christmas wish would come true and he @ @ @ @ @ getting totally shitfaced on vodka .

SAN DIEGO—Lying on the couch in his cramped, poorly lit apartment, local man Mark Borkowski was reportedly having the best Thanksgiving of his life Thursday while getting high and eating Taco Bell thousands of miles away from his family. “Wow, I never knew this holiday could be so genuinely wonderful,” said Borkowski, sitting alone with a glass pipe in one hand and a chalupa in the other as he watched episodes of How I Met Your Mother on his laptop. “The Taco Bell guy got my order pretty much right, and I still have plenty of weed. Meanwhile, my parents are on the other side of the country and in a totally different timezone, so our entire interaction this year was a five-minute phone call while I packed this bowl. There truly is so much to be thankful for.” At press time, sources confirmed an elated Borkowski was reflecting on the likelihood that this year his Christmas wish would come true and he’d spend the holiday getting totally shitfaced on vodka.


theonion--2020-11-26--Nation’s Relatives Call For Little Zoom Tour Of Your Apartment

CARROLLTON , TX—Declaring “ Ooh , yes ” and “ Let ’ s see , ” the nation ’ s relatives reportedly called for a little Zoom tour of your apartment Thursday .
“ What fun , we ’ ve never gotten to see it before—show us , show us !
” said 61-year-old aunt Judy Freymond , who joined the chorus of millions of uncles , cousins and grandparents across the country remarking that it was such a great idea considering the circumstances and why don ’ t you let them see the place .
“ Oh , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t they have good windows in the city ?
I hope it ’ s in a nice neighborhood , especially after that last spot .
Ah , that artwork is so interesting on the wall .
It ’ s very you .
Wait , go back , I want to see that couch .
Very nice .
Where ’ s your television ?
Do you not watch TV ?
Where ’ s that door lead to ?
Is that your bedroom ?
” At press time , the nation ’ s relatives wanted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ got you for Christmas last year was anywhere .

CARROLLTON, TX—Declaring “Ooh, yes” and “Let’s see,” the nation’s relatives reportedly called for a little Zoom tour of your apartment Thursday. “What fun, we’ve never gotten to see it before—show us, show us!” said 61-year-old aunt Judy Freymond, who joined the chorus of millions of uncles, cousins and grandparents across the country remarking that it was such a great idea considering the circumstances and why don’t you let them see the place. “Oh, it’s so dark! Don’t they have good windows in the city? I hope it’s in a nice neighborhood, especially after that last spot. Ah, that artwork is so interesting on the wall. It’s very you. Wait, go back, I want to see that couch. Very nice. Where’s your television? Do you not watch TV? Where’s that door lead to? Is that your bedroom?” At press time, the nation’s relatives wanted to know if that aromatherapy diffuser they got you for Christmas last year was anywhere.


theonion--2020-11-26--Nation Even More Unsure Than Usual Whether To Hug Cousin

SCOTTSDALE , AZ—Stressing that the present atmosphere only raised further questions about the greeting method , Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that they felt even more unsure than usual about whether to hug their cousins this Thanksgiving .
“ To be fair , I wouldn ’ t have any idea what to do even in regular times , but now I ’ m just totally lost , ” said Andrew Hanson , 33 , echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans who emphasized that they really didn ’ t know their cousin that well and things have felt weird @ @ @ @ @ @ @ twice back in 2007 after mistaking them for a completely different cousin .
“ Boy , what the hell am I supposed to do here ?
An elbow bump ?
No , he might not even know what I ’ m doing .
Plus , he ’ s standing a little apart from the rest of the family , and it ’ s not clear if that ’ s because of health concerns or because he just doesn ’ t like us .
Oh God , he made eye contact .
Christ.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ settled instead on politely patting their cousin ’ s rump and kissing them delicately on the nape of the neck .

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Stressing that the present atmosphere only raised further questions about the greeting method, Americans across the country confirmed Thursday that they felt even more unsure than usual about whether to hug their cousins this Thanksgiving. “To be fair, I wouldn’t have any idea what to do even in regular times, but now I’m just totally lost,” said Andrew Hanson, 33, echoing the sentiment of 330 million Americans who emphasized that they really didn’t know their cousin that well and things have felt weird since the time they accidentally shook hands twice back in 2007 after mistaking them for a completely different cousin. “Boy, what the hell am I supposed to do here? An elbow bump? No, he might not even know what I’m doing. Plus, he’s standing a little apart from the rest of the family, and it’s not clear if that’s because of health concerns or because he just doesn’t like us. Oh God, he made eye contact. Christ.” At press time, the nation had settled instead on politely patting their cousin’s rump and kissing them delicately on the nape of the neck.


Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving

Americans across the country are celebrating Thanksgiving today , though millions will not gather in person this year due to @ @ @ @ @ you celebrating Thanksgiving ?
“ Crying either a little more or a little less than @ @ @ @ @ t decided yet.
” “ I ’ m doing the smart thing and staying home @ @ @ @ @ invited .
”

Americans across the country are celebrating Thanksgiving today, though millions will not gather in person this year due to the pandemic. How are you celebrating Thanksgiving?
“Making enoug h green bean casserole for two, if you’re interested.” Alesha Potter • Binocular Expert
“Crying either a little more or a little less than usual. I haven’t decided yet.” Serge Gabree • Systems Analyst
Advertisement


theonion--2020-11-27--Annoying Coworker Keeps Sending After-Hours Emails That He's Trapped In Office Elevator

SPARKS , MD—Growing increasingly irked by the inconsiderate behavior , employees at local advertising firm Valley Media were reportedly annoyed @ @ @ @ @ Josh Goldberg , kept sending annoying after-hours emails about how he ’ s trapped in @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s hard to enjoy my downtime when my phone keeps buzzing with messages @ @ @ @ @ stuck in the elevator since Wednesday or whatever , ” said employee Rita O ’ @ @ @ @ @ had been forced to ignore over a dozen work-related emails , several Slack messages , @ @ @ @ @ help .
“ I understand that this project of extricating himself from the small , @ @ @ @ @ office is important to him , but it ’ s the last thing I feel @ @ @ @ @ long weekend.
” At press time , O ’ Toole was reportedly relieved the flurry @ @ @ @ @ Goldberg passed out from lack of oxygen .

SPARKS, MD—Growing increasingly irked by the inconsiderate behavior, employees at local advertising firm Valley Media were reportedly annoyed Friday that their coworker, Josh Goldberg, kept sending annoying after-hours emails about how he’s trapped in the office elevator. “It’s hard to enjoy my downtime when my phone keeps buzzing with messages outlining how Josh has been stuck in the elevator since Wednesday or whatever,” said employee Rita O’Toole, confirming that she had been forced to ignore over a dozen work-related emails, several Slack messages, and a voicemail begging for help. “I understand that this project of extricating himself from the small, windowless box in the downtown office is important to him, but it’s the last thing I feel like thinking about during the long weekend.” At press time, O’Toole was reportedly relieved the flurry of messages had stopped after Goldberg passed out from lack of oxygen.


theonion--2020-11-27--Satan Offering Black Friday Deal To Trade Only 50% Of Soul For Lifetime Of Riches

NINTH CIRCLE , HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “ low , low price of half your immortal essence , ” Satan , the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness , announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50 % of their soul for a lifetime of riches .
“ If you ’ ve ever dreamed of being rich beyond your wildest imagination but didn ’ t want to give up your entire soul to do it , then I have a deal for you , ” said the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guttural tones as he explained that fortune , power , and influence had never been more affordable than they were right now to mortals who scrawled the promo code “ MEPHISTOPHELES ” in blood upon the door of their home .
“ Finally , it ’ s possible to become one of the wealthiest people on the planet while still retaining a small part of what makes you human .
Act now before you end up poor and destitute !
And don ’ t forget , I ’ m willing to match whatever @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s a promise.
” At press time , Satan had reportedly offered to throw in a free year of Apple TV+ with each qualifying purchase .

NINTH CIRCLE, HELL—Claiming that untold wealth could be yours for the “low, low price of half your immortal essence,” Satan, the Great Tempter and Prince of Darkness, announced this morning a Black Friday deal in which human beings could trade a mere 50% of their soul for a lifetime of riches. “If you’ve ever dreamed of being rich beyond your wildest imagination but didn’t want to give up your entire soul to do it, then I have a deal for you,” said the Father of Lies, speaking in hideous guttural tones as he explained that fortune, power, and influence had never been more affordable than they were right now to mortals who scrawled the promo code “MEPHISTOPHELES” in blood upon the door of their home. “Finally, it’s possible to become one of the wealthiest people on the planet while still retaining a small part of what makes you human. Act now before you end up poor and destitute! And don’t forget, I’m willing to match whatever offer God makes you. That’s a promise.” At press time, Satan had reportedly offered to throw in a free year of Apple TV+ with each qualifying purchase.


theonion--2020-11-27--Alternate Price Of Book In Canadian Dollars Gives Man Little Window Into What Life Would Be Like If

Alternate Price Of Book In Canadian Dollars Gives Man Little Window Into What Life Would Be Like If He Were Canadian

DETROIT—Offering the U.S. citizen a brief opportunity to vicariously experience a different nationality , the Canadian price printed on the back cover of a book gave local man Peter Brown a little window int o what life might be like if he were Canadian , sources confirmed Wednesday .
“ Wait a second , so in a world where I ’ m Canadian , I ’ d be paying $ 22.99 for this paperback instead of $ 16.99 ?
” said Brown , wondering aloud if the Canadian version of himself would be upset upon seeing that the number for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Americans .
“ That ’ s amazing .
It ’ s pretty interesting that they call them ‘ dollars ’ over there , too , even though their money looks totally different .
Just imagine , if I ’ d been born in Canada , my wallet would have queens and prime ministers in it instead of a bunch of presidents .
It really makes you stop and think.
” The Detroit resident later confirmed his intention to apply for a passport so he could one day cross the border and discover all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him in Windsor , Ontario .

DETROIT—Offering the U.S. citizen a brief opportunity to vicariously experience a different nationality, the Canadian price printed on the back cover of a book gave local man Peter Brown a little window int o what life might be like if he were Canadian, sources confirmed Wednesday. “Wait a second, so in a world where I’m Canadian, I’d be paying $22.99 for this paperback instead of $16.99?” said Brown, wondering aloud if the Canadian version of himself would be upset upon seeing that the number for him was higher than it was for Americans. “That’s amazing. It’s pretty interesting that they call them ‘dollars’ over there, too, even though their money looks totally different. Just imagine, if I’d been born in Canada, my wallet would have queens and prime ministers in it instead of a bunch of presidents. It really makes you stop and think.” The Detroit resident later confirmed his intention to apply for a passport so he could one day cross the border and discover all the new and fascinating cultural experiences awaiting him in Windsor, Ontario.


theonion--2020-11-27--Introduction Of Giancarlo Esposito Suggests Main Character Now Totally Fucked

FONTANA , CA—In a momentous twist sources confirmed could only mean one thing , the introduction of Giancarlo Esposito into @ @ @ @ @ was viewing Friday indicated that the main character was now totally fucked .
“ Oh @ @ @ @ @ what exactly is going to happen , but this motherfucker ’ s going to get @ @ @ @ @ , who grimaced as he watched Esposito greet the main character with a polite , @ @ @ @ @ .
“ God , this is so stressful .
I don ’ t even know @ @ @ @ @ keep watching .
These guys are about to get their shit rocked bad , I @ @ @ @ @ , I would hate to be that poor fuck right now.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ as Esposito shot Jane Fonda ’ s Grace And Frankie character point blank .

FONTANA, CA—In a momentous twist sources confirmed could only mean one thing, the introduction of Giancarlo Esposito into the television show Jared Brenot was viewing Friday indicated that the main character was now totally fucked. “Oh shit—I don’t know what exactly is going to happen, but this motherfucker’s going to get wrecked,” said Brenot, who grimaced as he watched Esposito greet the main character with a polite, measured smile and firm handshake. “God, this is so stressful. I don’t even know how much longer I can keep watching. These guys are about to get their shit rocked bad, I just know it. Ugh, I would hate to be that poor fuck right now.” At press time, Brenot gasped in horror as Esposito shot Jane Fonda’s Grace And Frankie character point blank.


theonion--2020-11-27--South Dakota Unveils New ‘Come Die Here’ Tourism Campaign

PIERRE , SD—In an effort to attract visitors to a state that is home to some of the worst Covid-19 infection rates in the world , South Dakota officials launched a new tourism initiative Friday that will be centered around the slogan “ Come Die Here.
” “ For years , people have flocked here to see Mount Rushmore , but now South Dakota is also a great place to just come and die , ” said Gov .
Kristi Noem in a prepared statement , which touted the dwindling availability of ICU beds , lack of a statewide mask @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s last , fluid-filled breaths amidst the scenic backdrop of Badlands National Park .
“ What could be better than perishing while surrounded by the gorgeous Black Hills after enjoying a scrumptious last meal of chislic or bison burgers ?
Wild Bill Hickok went down in South Dakota , and now it ’ s easier than ever for you and your loved ones to do the same !
” At press time , reports confirmed North Dakota , Wyoming , and Nebraska had all sought to compete with South Dakota by launching @ @ @ @ @

PIERRE, SD—In an effort to attract visitors to a state that is home to some of the worst Covid-19 infection rates in the world, South Dakota officials launched a new tourism initiative Friday that will be centered around the slogan “Come Die Here.” “For years, people have flocked here to see Mount Rushmore, but now South Dakota is also a great place to just come and die,” said Gov. Kristi Noem in a prepared statement, which touted the dwindling availability of ICU beds, lack of a statewide mask mandate, and opportunity to take one’s last, fluid-filled breaths amidst the scenic backdrop of Badlands National Park. “What could be better than perishing while surrounded by the gorgeous Black Hills after enjoying a scrumptious last meal of chislic or bison burgers? Wild Bill Hickok went down in South Dakota, and now it’s easier than ever for you and your loved ones to do the same!” At press time, reports confirmed North Dakota, Wyoming, and Nebraska had all sought to compete with South Dakota by launching their own similar campaigns.


theonion--2020-11-30--Pantene Unveils New Color Shine Shampoo That Makes Hair So Radiant It Shall Blind Anyone Who Gazes U

Pantene Unveils New Color Shine Shampoo That Makes Hair So Radiant It Shall Blind Anyone Who Gazes Upon It

CINCINNATI—Claiming to have harnessed the brilliance of a thousand suns within each bottle , hair care brand Pantene announced Monday it had developed a new Color Shine shampoo that bestows such radiance upon one ’ s silken strands that it shall blind any mortal who gazes upon them .
“ Our newly reformulated Color Shine shampoo makes hair so smooth and lustrous that all who encounter its penetrating luminosity shall immediately and permanently be rendered sightless !
” declared Pantene spokeswoman Anne Peterson , who added that cataract sunglasses must be worn by consumers who wished to avoid searing their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hair in the mirror and noted that any temporary loss of vision just meant the shampoo was working as intended .
“ This color-protecting , nourishing shampoo gently cleanses as you lather , leaving hair looking healthy and vibrant enough to boil the retinas of any onlookers inside their heads , all while keeping frizz and fly- aways at bay .
A proprietary blend of aloes locks in hair ’ s natural moisture , making each strand touchably soft as it glows white-hot with the intensity of a hydrogen bomb blast .
A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ head-turning highlights that leave behind a sea of innocents clutching their faces and shouting , ‘ My eyes , my eyes !
’ as they fall to their knees , the sight of your enviable sheen forever scorched into their minds as they are consumed by all-encompassing blackness.
” At press time , a sprawling brush fire had erupted and burned 500,000 acres after Pantene attempted to photograph one of the Color Shine models while using the camera ’ s flash .

CINCINNATI—Claiming to have harnessed the brilliance of a thousand suns within each bottle, hair care brand Pantene announced Monday it had developed a new Color Shine shampoo that bestows such radiance upon one’s silken strands that it shall blind any mortal who gazes upon them. “Our newly reformulated Color Shine shampoo makes hair so smooth and lustrous that all who encounter its penetrating luminosity shall immediately and permanently be rendered sightless!” declared Pantene spokeswoman Anne Peterson, who added that cataract sunglasses must be worn by consumers who wished to avoid searing their corneas as they styled their blindingly shiny hair in the mirror and noted that any temporary loss of vision just meant the shampoo was working as intended. “This color-protecting, nourishing shampoo gently cleanses as you lather, leaving hair looking healthy and vibrant enough to boil the retinas of any onlookers inside their heads, all while keeping frizz and fly- aways at bay. A proprietary blend of aloes locks in hair’s natural moisture, making each strand touchably soft as it glows white-hot with the intensity of a hydrogen bomb blast. A pea-sized amount is all it takes for head-turning highlights that leave behind a sea of innocents clutching their faces and shouting, ‘My eyes, my eyes!’ as they fall to their knees, the sight of your enviable sheen forever scorched into their minds as they are consumed by all-encompassing blackness.” At press time, a sprawling brush fire had erupted and burned 500,000 acres after Pantene attempted to photograph one of the Color Shine models while using the camera’s flash.


theonion--2020-11-30--Cyber Monday By The Numbers

Cyber Monday By The Numbers

In the 15 years since the term was coined , Cyber Monday has become a staple of the online shopping @ @ @ @ @ a look at the most eye-popping numbers associated with this hallowed spending tradition .
16 @ @ @ @ @ available at Zappos.com five minutes into Cyber Monday .
$ 29.79 : Optimal pricing sweet @ @ @ @ @ the suckers .
364 : Other days in the year online outlets sell things .
@ @ @ @ @ the same Etsy product as you right now , so you ’ d better act @ @ @ @ @ since millions of families waxed poetic about being thankful for what they have .
32 @ @ @ @ @ is grabbing in these khakis regardless of whether they ’ ll fit because these prices @ @ @ @ @ Years of human evolution that led to you sitting in front of a computer trying @ @ @ @ @ .

In the 15 years since the term was coined, Cyber Monday has become a staple of the online shopping season. The Onion takes a look at the most eye-popping numbers associated with this hallowed spending tradition.
16: Only remaining shoe size available at Zappos.com five minutes into Cyber Monday.
Advertisement
$29.79 : Optimal pricing sweet spot to really reel in the suckers.
0: Chances in hell of landing a PS5.
364: Other days in the year online outlets sell things.
17: People looking at the same Etsy product as you right now, so you’d better act fast!
Advertisement Advertisement
23: Digits on Dad’s credit card committed to memory.
4: Days since millions of families waxed poetic about being thankful for what they have.
Advertisement
32: Pant size your mom is grabbing in these khakis regardless of whether they’ll fit because these prices are unbeatable.
64%: Percentage of Jeff Bezos’ master plan complete.
6,000,000: Years of human evolution that led to you sitting in front of a computer trying to save big on underwear.


theonion--2020-11-30--NBA Figures They Garnered Enough Praise To Let All The Players Get Covid Now

NEW YORK—Rationalizing that the league was effectively above criticism at this point , a spokesperson for the National Basketball Association confirmed Tuesday that they had probably garnered enough praise from last summer ’ s “ NBA Bubble ” to let all the players contract coronavirus during the upcoming season .
“ We ’ re riding high on five months of adulation for the way we handled the bubble , so whatever happens next won ’ t really matter , ” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver , who reasoned that the sheer number of fluff pieces written about the league ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reign to host super-spreader events across the country .
“ Our legacy is pretty much secured at this point .
We already did our part to contain the spread—a few hundred Covid cases this year won ’ t take that away .
It ’ s probably a good idea to make sure that LeBron or Giannis don ’ t catch it , but who gives a shit about the other guys ?
We don ’ t really expect any push back , since we got a free pass for trapping our players in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At press time , Silver figured that if the NBA didn ’ t cancel games after Kobe Bryant ’ s death , then they won ’ t have to if a player succumbs to coronavirus .

NEW YORK—Rationalizing that the league was effectively above criticism at this point, a spokesperson for the National Basketball Association confirmed Tuesday that they had probably garnered enough praise from last summer’s “NBA Bubble” to let all the players contract coronavirus during the upcoming season. “We’re riding high on five months of adulation for the way we handled the bubble, so whatever happens next won’t really matter,” said NBA commissioner Adam Silver, who reasoned that the sheer number of fluff pieces written about the league’s coronavirus-free post-season should give them free reign to host super-spreader events across the country. “Our legacy is pretty much secured at this point. We already did our part to contain the spread—a few hundred Covid cases this year won’t take that away. It’s probably a good idea to make sure that LeBron or Giannis don’t catch it, but who gives a shit about the other guys? We don’t really expect any push back, since we got a free pass for trapping our players in Disney World to recoup lost revenue.” At press time, Silver figured that if the NBA didn’t cancel games after Kobe Bryant’s death, then they won’t have to if a player succumbs to coronavirus.


theonion--2020-11-30--Defensive Ron Howard: ‘You Try Making A Good Movie About Fucking Hillbillies’

LOS ANGELES—In response to widespread negative reviews of his recently released film , Hillbilly Elegy , defensive director Ron Howard told his critics Monday , “ You try making a good movie about fucking hillbillies.
” “ I ’ d invite anyone who didn ’ t like my film to try creating something with actual emotional depth about a bunch of backwards , dumbass hill people—can ’ t be done , ” said Howard , adding that it was impossible to write , direct , edit , or even act in a movie about “ some hopeless , completely unlikable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their own lives over and over again.
” “ Oh , you thought my movie was trite , huh ?
Well , what did you people expect ?
Their real-life struggle is the same ridiculous thing over and over again .
All those holler dimwits are so drunk off their asses and strung out on heroin it ’ s impossible to make a coherent story about them .
Ask [ actors ] Amy [ Adams ] and Glenn [ Close ] , they ’ ll tell you how difficult it is to act @ @ @ @ @ @ @ themselves .
‘ But Ron , ’ you ’ ll say , ‘ what about J.D .
Vance ’ s book ?
What about his input ?
’ Vance hates them just as much as I do .
He told me the second he got out of there and realized he could cash a check on their fat , Walmart-fed asses , he was on cloud nine.
” Howard also brushed off a few positive reviews of the film as representing a universal generational struggle , saying that wasn ’ t the point @ @ @ @ @ @ @ involved in the making of Hillbilly Elegy was “ even from the same species as these toothless yokels .
”

LOS ANGELES—In response to widespread negative reviews of his recently released film, Hillbilly Elegy, defensive director Ron Howard told his critics Monday, “You try making a good movie about fucking hillbillies.” “I’d invite anyone who didn’t like my film to try creating something with actual emotional depth about a bunch of backwards, dumbass hill people—can’t be done,” said Howard, adding that it was impossible to write, direct, edit, or even act in a movie about “some hopeless, completely unlikable Appalachian inbreds who just keep fucking up their own lives over and over again.” “Oh, you thought my movie was trite, huh? Well, what did you people expect? Their real-life struggle is the same ridiculous thing over and over again. All those holler dimwits are so drunk off their asses and strung out on heroin it’s impossible to make a coherent story about them. Ask [actors] Amy [Adams] and Glenn [Close], they’ll tell you how difficult it is to act like people who are already parodies of themselves. ‘But Ron,’ you’ll say, ‘what about J.D. Vance’s book? What about his input?’ Vance hates them just as much as I do. He told me the second he got out of there and realized he could cash a check on their fat, Walmart-fed asses, he was on cloud nine.” Howard also brushed off a few positive reviews of the film as representing a universal generational struggle, saying that wasn’t the point of the movie and that no one involved in the making of Hillbilly Elegy was “even from the same species as these toothless yokels.”


theonion--2020-11-30--Man Wondering If Scene From ‘The Crown’ Where Queen Elizabeth Drinks Tea Actually Happened

DULUTH , MN—Unsure about the historical accuracy of the popular Netflix show , local man Ryan Galanis was reportedly wondering Monday if a scene from The Crown in which Queen Elizabeth II drinks tea is based on an event that actually took place .
“ I realize they need to take some liberties with the facts for the sake of narrative flow , but having the queen sit in her drawing room and drink a cup of tea like that felt way too contrived , ” said Galanis , doubtful that the writers of the series had a primary source @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sipped from a china cup with a matching saucer , as she does in an episode he recently viewed .
“ Honestly , it kind of takes me out of it when they depict her just sipping some E arl Grey in the middle of a scene like that .
I know I ’ m being kind of nitpicky , but it ’ s easier to watch these historical dramas when the plot details are a little more convincing.
” At press time , sources confirmed Galanis had decided not to finish The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ show about the queen playing chess .

DULUTH, MN—Unsure about the historical accuracy of the popular Netflix show, local man Ryan Galanis was reportedly wondering Monday if a scene from The Crown in which Queen Elizabeth II drinks tea is based on an event that actually took place. “I realize they need to take some liberties with the facts for the sake of narrative flow, but having the queen sit in her drawing room and drink a cup of tea like that felt way too contrived,” said Galanis, doubtful that the writers of the series had a primary source document that could prove the monarch actually sipped from a china cup with a matching saucer, as she does in an episode he recently viewed. “Honestly, it kind of takes me out of it when they depict her just sipping some E arl Grey in the middle of a scene like that. I know I’m being kind of nitpicky, but it’s easier to watch these historical dramas when the plot details are a little more convincing.” At press time, sources confirmed Galanis had decided not to finish The Crown and to instead watch the Netflix show about the queen playing chess.


theonion--2020-11-30--Pope Francis Urges World To Give ‘The Newsroom’ Another Chance

VATICAN CITY—Calling upon the world ’ s 1.2 billion Roman Catholics to act with forgiveness towards the Aaron Sorkin series @ @ @ @ @ press conference Monday urging the world to give HBO drama The Newsroom another chance .
@ @ @ @ @ Christians around the world to come together and open our hearts to this political drama @ @ @ @ @ p ontiff , recommending his followers to be Christ-like in their appraisal of the show @ @ @ @ @ pilot episode .
“ Brothers and sisters , I ’ m well aware that this @ @ @ @ @ most self-indulgent , but there are actually some great performances from Jeff Bridges and the @ @ @ @ @ us not forget Alison Pill ’ s standout role as News Night associate producer Maggie @ @ @ @ @ first season is pretty rough , but who among us is without sin ?
Do @ @ @ @ @ would want done unto you.
” Pope Francis concluded by conceding that Studio 60 On @ @ @ @ @ unforgivable trespass .

VATICAN CITY—Calling upon the world’s 1.2 billion Roman Catholics to act with forgiveness towards the Aaron Sorkin series, Pope Francis held a press conference Monday urging the world to give HBO drama The Newsroom another chance. “I’m advising Christians around the world to come together and open our hearts to this political drama,” said the 83-year-old p ontiff, recommending his followers to be Christ-like in their appraisal of the show’s “uneven” pilot episode. “Brothers and sisters, I’m well aware that this show is Sorkin at his most self-indulgent, but there are actually some great performances from Jeff Bridges and the absolutely stacked cast. Let us not forget Alison Pill’s standout role as News Night associate producer Maggie Jordan. Sure, the first season is pretty rough, but who among us is without sin? Do unto Aaron Sorkin as you would want done unto you.” Pope Francis concluded by conceding that Studio 60 On The Sunset Strip was an unforgivable trespass.


theonion--2020-11-30--12-Year-Old Admitted To Georgia Tech

12-Year-Old Admitted To Georgia Tech

Preteen Caleb Anderson , described as a genius who could do fractions and read as a toddler , has been @ @ @ @ @ a sophomore where he will study aerospace engineering .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ and at least takes a gap week .
”

Preteen Caleb Anderson, described as a genius who could do fractions and read as a toddler, has been admitted to Georgia Tech as a sophomore where he will study aerospace engineering. What do you think?
“Damn, he must b e incredible at football.” Max Mahlon • Systems Analyst
“I hope he slows down and at least takes a gap week.” Marcy Gonzalez • Bread Toaster
Advertisement


theonion--2020-11-30--Doctors Concerned As Hairline Fracture In Biden’s Foot Spreads Through Entire Skeleton

WILMINGTON , DE—Stressing that their patient ’ s health remained thei r primary concern , a team of medical experts announced Monday that a hairline fracture in Joe Biden ’ s foot had begun spreading throughout his entire skeleton .
“ After a slight accident from playing with [ presidential rescue dog ] Major , we were troubled to find a small fracture expanding from the president elect ’ s metatarsal into his shin , and eventually working its way up the fibula and femur and into the rest of his skeletal system , ” said Dr. Edward Gross , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the campaign ’ s medical office revealed that Biden ’ s sternum had almost entirely split down the middle due to the physical stress .
“ Of course , the small breaks in the 205 other bones in his body are concerning as well as the constant sound of cracking , b ut what we ’ re mainly worried about now are some of the hairline fractures in his skull .
If tho se go , we could just see his entire skeleton start collapsing in on him.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ announced plans to place Biden in a six-foot-tall protective boot .

WILMINGTON, DE—Stressing that their patient’s health remained thei r primary concern, a team of medical experts announced Monday that a hairline fracture in Joe Biden’s foot had begun spreading throughout his entire skeleton. “After a slight accident from playing with [presidential rescue dog] Major, we were troubled to find a small fracture expanding from the president elect’s metatarsal into his shin, and eventually working its way up the fibula and femur and into the rest of his skeletal system,” said Dr. Edward Gross, adding that x-rays inspected by fellow members of the campaign’s medical office revealed that Biden’s sternum had almost entirely split down the middle due to the physical stress. “Of course, the small breaks in the 205 other bones in his body are concerning as well as the constant sound of cracking, b ut what we’re mainly worried about now are some of the hairline fractures in his skull. If tho se go, we could just see his entire skeleton start collapsing in on him.” At press time, a spokesperson for the campaign had announced plans to place Biden in a six-foot-tall protective boot.


theonion--2020-11-30--Deal Alert: This Kid Has All The Coolest Games, And You Can Play Them At His House If You Can Get Ov

Deal Alert: This Kid Has All The Coolest Games, And You Can Play Them At His House If You Can Get Over How Weird He Is

Listen up , gamers , because we ’ ve got a killer deal that you ’ re not going to want to miss : T his kid who lives over on the busy stretch of Allen Avenue has all the coolest games and you can play them at his house if you can just get over how weird he is !
That ’ s right , gaming aficionados !
Soon you could be playing all the best , most exciting titles for hours on end and all it will cost you is selectively ignoring certain aspects of this little guy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
If you ’ ve been dying to get your hands on Godfall or Assassins Creed : Valhalla , you ’ re in luck , because this weirdo has a PS5 that you can play to your heart ’ s content while sitting on a mildewed couch on his screened-in porch .
And if you ’ re more of a vintage fan , don ’ t worry , because this kid has everything from Super Nintendo and a Sega Genesis that he got from his much older brother that you can clearly see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s either a pipe or a bong , and he isn ’ t hiding it at all .
He ’ s , like , 40 years old .
All this and more could be yours for the low , low price of pretending you don ’ t notice the unsettling guttural vocalizations this kid makes every time he shoots someone !
And as if all this isn ’ t tempting enough , gaming fans will get exclusive access to Halo : Infinite for the Xbox Series X when that weird kid goes inside @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screaming match with his grandmother !
Be sure to act quick because there ’ s no way this situation is sustainable and it ’ s only a matter of time before he gets expelled from school or his family gets evicted or something !

Listen up, gamers, because we’ve got a killer deal that you’re not going to want to miss: T his kid who lives over on the busy stretch of Allen Avenue has all the coolest games and you can play them at his house if you can just get over how weird he is!
That’s right, gaming aficionados! Soon you could be playing all the best, most exciting titles for hours on end and all it will cost you is selectively ignoring certain aspects of this little guy’s offputting personality and home life!
Advertisement
If you’ve been dying to get your hands on Godfall or Assassins Creed: Valhalla, you’re in luck, because this weirdo has a PS5 that you can play to your heart’s content while sitting on a mildewed couch on his screened-in porch. And if you’re more of a vintage fan, don’t worry, because this kid has everything from Super Nintendo and a Sega Genesis that he got from his much older brother that you can clearly see through the window smoking something that’s either a pipe or a bong, and he isn’t hiding it at all. He’s, like, 40 years old.
All this and more could be yours for the low, low price of pretending you don’t notice the unsettling guttural vocalizations this kid makes every time he shoots someone!
Advertisement Advertisement
And as if all this isn’t tempting enough, gaming fans will get exclusive access to Halo: Infinite for the Xbox Series X when that weird kid goes inside for 45 minutes to get in a screaming match with his grandmother! Be sure to act quick because there’s no way this situation is sustainable and it’s only a matter of time before he gets expelled from school or his family gets evicted or something!


theonion--2020-11-30--Newly Uncovered DNA Evidence Frees Thousands Of Damned Souls From Hell

Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed , glutony , and premarital sex .
You @ @ @ @ @ Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Hear how justice was finally served for those wrongfully accused of greed, glutony, and premarital sex.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-01--Inside The Sacred Temple Where People Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Ea

Inside The Sacred Temple Where People Magazine’s Ancestral Editors Choose Their Sexiest Man Alive Each Year

From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan , People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter .
But how do @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen @ @ @ @ @ find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

From George Clooney to Michael B. Jordan, People magazine publishes this attention-grabbing feature every winter. But how do they do it? We’ll take a look inside the holy site where the coveted hunk is chosen each year.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-01--Ken Jennings To Guest Host ‘Jeopardy!’

Ken Jennings To Guest Host ‘Jeopardy!’

Ken Jennings , who holds the record for the longest winning streak in Jeopardy !
history , will serve as @ @ @ @ @ hosts until the show can find a permanent replacement for the late Alex Trebek .
@ @ @ @ @ “ He ’ ll never outshi ne Trebek when it comes to feigning polite interest @ @ @ @ @ That nerd ’ s gon na have to have to get a real job at @ @ @ @ @ ’ m not ready to see a new face hosting Jeopardy !
on the muted @ @ @ @ @ yet .
”

Ken Jennings, who holds the record for the longest winning streak in Jeopardy! history, will serve as the first of several interim hosts until the show can find a permanent replacement for the late Alex Trebek. What do you think?
“He’ll never outshi ne Trebek when it comes to feigning polite interest in stupid bullshit.” Alisha Faust • Tape Roller
“That nerd’s gonna have to have to get a real job at some point.” Josh Hedlund • Emergency Librarian
Advertisement


theonion--2020-11-26--American Obesity Epidemic Traced To Single Heavyset ‘Mayflower’ Passenger

On this special Thanksgiving Day episode , hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could @ @ @ @ @ to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

On this special Thanksgiving Day episode, hear how your own tendency to overeat and your aversion to exercise could stem all the way back to one 327-pound Plymouth Colony settler named Jeremiah Alden.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-01--Trump Reduced To Filing Lawsuit To Overturn Single Ballot In Placerville, Idaho

WASHINGTON—As his long-shot path to victory continued to crumble , President Donald Trump ’ s bid to dispute the election results had reportedly been reduced to filing a lawsuit Tuesday to overturn a single ballot in Placerville , ID .
“ We ’ ve discovered an entire trove of evidence that this ballot belonging to Boise County resident John Sherman was illegally cast , and we ’ re prepared to blow the whole thing open , ” said Trump campaign spokesperson Tim Murtaugh , who called on the president ’ s supporters to make a donation to help cover the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 43-year-old Idaho man ’ s vote .
“ This election isn ’ t over .
Look at this signature : D oes that look like an A or an O to you ?
It ’ s really not clear , is it ?
You can see now how the whole system is corrupt .
We ’ re taking this all the way to the Supreme Court , and then all we have to do is do it 6 million more times.
” At press time , the Trump campaign had pinned their hopes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ M urphy ’ s ballot after a federal judge had thrown out the Idaho lawsuit .

WASHINGTON—As his long-shot path to victory continued to crumble, President Donald Trump’s bid to dispute the election results had reportedly been reduced to filing a lawsuit Tuesday to overturn a single ballot in Placerville, ID . “We’ve discovered an entire trove of evidence that this ballot belonging to Boise County resident John Sherman was illegally cast, and we’re prepared to blow the whole thing open,” said Trump campaign spokesperson Tim Murtaugh, who called on the president’s supporters to make a donation to help cover the millions of dollars required to disqualify the 43-year-old Idaho man’s vote. “This election isn’t over. Look at this signature: D oes that look like an A or an O to you? It’s really not clear, is it? You can see now how the whole system is corrupt. We’re taking this all the way to the Supreme Court, and then all we have to do is do it 6 million more times.” At press time, the Trump campaign had pinned their hopes on disqualifying Derby, KS resident Naomi M urphy’s ballot after a federal judge had thrown out the Idaho lawsuit.


theonion--2020-12-01--Missing Boater Found Alive 86 Miles From Coast

A boater was discovered Sunday clinging to his capsized vessel 86 miles off the coast of Florida , a day @ @ @ @ @ to the Coast Guard .
What do you think ?
“ He was lucky to @ @ @ @ @ when he capsized.
” “ Boy , I ’ d kill to have an entire @ @ @ @ @ ” “ This is why I only boat on land .
”

A boater was discovered Sunday clinging to his capsized vessel 86 miles off the coast of Florida, a day after he was reported missing to the Coast Guard. What do you think?
“He was lucky to have a boat with him when he capsized.” Camille Smith • Brochure Cartoonist
“Boy, I’d kill to have an entire day to myself like that.” Tory Vecsey • Unemployed
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-01--Jacksonville Couple Successfully Mates To Help Save Endangered Jaguars Fan Base

JACKSONVILLE , FL—Scoring a victory for NFL preservationists worried that these rare creatures could disappear forever , local Jacksonville couple Michael Larson , 30 , and Brittany Gill , 28 , successfully mated Tuesday in an attempt to help save the endangered Jaguars fan base .
“ This population has dwindled down to practically nothing over the last decade , so any news of potential new Jaguars fan being born is wonderful , ” said local Jaguars activist Brian Hodge , who claimed that without additional breeding programs and support from the local government , the next generation may never @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , teal , and gold coats .
“ Jaguars fans occupy a very small habitat along the Atlantic coast where they are in constant threat by encroaching Bucs and Falcons markets .
Sadly , many young Jacksonville fans will die in boating or hunting accidents before reaching sexual maturity , but once they breed they can produce a dozen offspring , and most of those will go on to become adult Jaguars fans .
So we still have hope this population will endure.
” At press time , the survival of the young @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mother lost her job at Hobby Lobby and started talking about moving to Houston .

JACKSONVILLE, FL—Scoring a victory for NFL preservationists worried that these rare creatures could disappear forever, local Jacksonville couple Michael Larson, 30, and Brittany Gill, 28, successfully mated Tuesday in an attempt to help save the endangered Jaguars fan base. “This population has dwindled down to practically nothing over the last decade, so any news of potential new Jaguars fan being born is wonderful,” said local Jaguars activist Brian Hodge, who claimed that without additional breeding programs and support from the local government, the next generation may never see these beautiful fans in their black, teal, and gold coats. “Jaguars fans occupy a very small habitat along the Atlantic coast where they are in constant threat by encroaching Bucs and Falcons markets. Sadly, many young Jacksonville fans will die in boating or hunting accidents before reaching sexual maturity, but once they breed they can produce a dozen offspring, and most of those will go on to become adult Jaguars fans. So we still have hope this population will endure.” At press time, the survival of the young Jaguars fan was in question after the mother lost her job at Hobby Lobby and started talking about moving to Houston.


theonion--2020-12-01--Police Warn Onlookers Not To Enter Active Crime Scene Cover-Up

NEW YORK—Urging passersby to avoid the area until the job could be completed , members of the NYPD warned onlookers @ @ @ @ @ active crime scene cover-up .
“ We can ’ t have civilians in here mucking @ @ @ @ @ by serving as potential witnesses , ” said patrolman Allen Banker , directing pedestrians to @ @ @ @ @ they wouldn ’ t accidentally tamper with the narrative carefully constructed by the police department @ @ @ @ @ move it on , folks—nothing to see here except a routine , run-of-the-mill infringement of @ @ @ @ @ we ’ re all professionals , so just let us get back to work.
” @ @ @ @ @ reported that a crazed , violent onlooker had to be gunned down by the police @ @ @ @ @

NEW YORK—Urging passersby to avoid the area until the job could be completed, members of the NYPD warned onlookers Tuesday not to enter an active crime scene cover-up. “We can’t have civilians in here mucking up all our hard work by serving as potential witnesses,” said patrolman Allen Banker, directing pedestrians to move across the street where they wouldn’t accidentally tamper with the narrative carefully constructed by the police department. “Let’s move it on, folks—nothing to see here except a routine, run-of-the-mill infringement of justice. I assure you we’re all professionals, so just let us get back to work.” At press time, Banker reported that a crazed, violent onlooker had to be gunned down by the police after seeing too much.


theonion--2020-12-02--Nation’s Long-Haired Old Men In Flowy Linen Shirts Announce You Are Loved

Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason , just as a @ @ @ @ @ to be breathtaking .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , @ @ @ @ @ .

Hear why these gentle elders are adamant that their love for us all needs no reason, just as a sunrise need not a reason to be breathtaking.
Patreon Patreon is empowering a new generation of creators. Support and engage with artists and creators… Read more
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-12-02--Former Astronaut To Be Sworn In As U.S. Senator

Former astronaut Mark Kelly—who completed four missions to space before retiring from NASA in 2011 following an assassination attempt on @ @ @ @ @ be sworn in as a U.S. senator for Arizona on Wednesday .
What do you @ @ @ @ @ Kell y knows Arizona is a lot warmer than what he ’ s used to @ @ @ @ @ ’ s sad to see someone ’ s career take a nosedive like this.
” @ @ @ @ @ be allowed to accomplish more than one kind of thing .
”

Former astronaut Mark Kelly—who completed four missions to space before retiring from NASA in 2011 following an assassination attempt on his wife Congresswoman Gabby Giffords—will be sworn in as a U.S. senator for Arizona on Wednesday. What do you think?
“I hope Kell y knows Arizona is a lot warmer than what he’s used to in space.” Svetlana Morrison • Graffiti Cleaner
“It’s sad to see someone’s career take a nosedive like this.” Kevin Fugate • Blood Stain Remover
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-02--NFL Suspends Steelers Roster For Breaking Coronavirus Protocol By Playing Ravens

PITTSBURGH—Chastising the team for engaging in such reckless behavior , the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended the entire Steelers roster @ @ @ @ @ ’ s coronavirus protocols by playing the Baltimore Ravens .
“ When you consider how @ @ @ @ @ positive , it ’ s completely irresponsible for the Steelers to take the field against @ @ @ @ @ , explaining that the league warned the Steelers after their first game against Baltimore and @ @ @ @ @ serious action .
“ Pittsburgh will be without 53 players for their upcoming games against @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll have to bear the consequences for their thoughtless actions—we won ’ t bail @ @ @ @ @ game .
That these players thought they could flout health protocols and just show for @ @ @ @ @ beyond the pale.
” At press time , the NFL announced that would also strip @ @ @ @ @ 2021 first- round draft pick .

PITTSBURGH—Chastising the team for engaging in such reckless behavior, the NFL commissioner Roger Goodell suspended the entire Steelers roster Wednesday for breaking the league’s coronavirus protocols by playing the Baltimore Ravens. “When you consider how many Ravens players have tested positive, it’s completely irresponsible for the Steelers to take the field against them,” said Goodell, explaining that the league warned the Steelers after their first game against Baltimore and were now forced to take serious action. “Pittsburgh will be without 53 players for their upcoming games against Washington and Buffalo. They’ll have to bear the consequences for their thoughtless actions—we won’t bail them out by cancelling the game. That these players thought they could flout health protocols and just show for the game we scheduled is beyond the pale.” At press time, the NFL announced that would also strip the Steel ers of a 2021 first- round draft pick.


theonion--2020-12-02--CDC Advisers Vote On Who Will Get Covid-19 Vaccine First

A federal advisory committee voted Tuesday to affirm CDC director Robert Redfield ’ s recommendation that healthcare workers and nursing @ @ @ @ @ receiving the coronavirus vaccine when it becomes available .
What do you think ?
“ @ @ @ @ @ the elderly should be first to watch me get the vaccine.
” “ Wow , @ @ @ @ @ at high risk of contracting coronavirus .
”

A federal advisory committee voted Tuesday to affirm CDC director Robert Redfield’s recommendation that healthcare workers and nursing home residents get priority in receiving the coronavirus vaccine when it becomes available. What do you think?
“Front line worker s and the elderly should be first to watch me get the vaccine.” Chelsea Barnard • Deep Fryer
“Wow, must be nice to be at high risk of contracting coronavirus.” TJ Ephraim • Systems Analyst
Advertisement


theonion--2020-12-02--Concerns About Nuclear Iran Grow After Periodic Table Poster Spotted In Tehran High School

WASHINGTON—After he had pored over the results of a recent reconnaissance mission , Secretary of State Mike Pompeo expressed growing concerns Wednesday over Iran ’ s nuclear program , citing a photograph that plainly revealed a poster of the periodic table hanging in a Tehran high school .
“ One of our surveillance drones has infiltrated a training facility in the Islamic Republic and found what appears to be a complete and accurate chart of the chemical elements , including all the ones used in the production of nuclear arms , ” said Pompeo during a press conference in which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a flagrant disrespect for international law ” by obtaining a visual representation of the elements and their respective atomic numbers , atomic weights , and commonly accepted abbreviations .
“ Where did they get this ?
We have reason to believe every atom may be on here , and how long does it take to get from atoms to an atom bomb ?
These Iranians are operating in a laboratory stocked with test tubes , protective goggles , Bunsen burners , you name it .
What ’ s more , our intelligence indicates @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the guidance of a chemistry expert and writing down their observations .
For the sake of global security , we must assume these young people are busy creating weapons-grade uranium—an element , by the way , that is included right there in plain sight on this chart.
” At press time , Pompeo had called for a full-scale preemptive assault on the training facility after learning the building contained a separate room in which Iranian youths were allegedly preparing for c ombat by doing pushups , climbing ropes , and running relay races @

WASHINGTON—After he had pored over the results of a recent reconnaissance mission, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo expressed growing concerns Wednesday over Iran’s nuclear program, citing a photograph that plainly revealed a poster of the periodic table hanging in a Tehran high school. “One of our surveillance drones has infiltrated a training facility in the Islamic Republic and found what appears to be a complete and accurate chart of the chemical elements, including all the ones used in the production of nuclear arms,” said Pompeo during a press conference in which he declared that Iran had shown “a flagrant disrespect for international law” by obtaining a visual representation of the elements and their respective atomic numbers, atomic weights, and commonly accepted abbreviations. “Where did they get this? We have reason to believe every atom may be on here, and how long does it take to get from atoms to an atom bomb? These Iranians are operating in a laboratory stocked with test tubes, protective goggles, Bunsen burners, you name it. What’s more, our intelligence indicates they are experimenting with these chemicals under the guidance of a chemistry expert and writing down their observations. For the sake of global security, we must assume these young people are busy creating weapons-grade uranium—an element, by the way, that is included right there in plain sight on this chart.” At press time, Pompeo had called for a full-scale preemptive assault on the training facility after learning the building contained a separate room in which Iranian youths were allegedly preparing for c ombat by doing pushups, climbing ropes, and running relay races.


Fact-Checking ‘The Crown’

The U. K. culture secretary recently released a statement cautioning that the fourth season of the hit drama The Crown contains significant manipulations of the truth , leaving viewers wondering where the show ’ s facts end and its fiction begins .
The Onion fact-checks the biggest claims made in The Crown .
CLAIM : Prince Charles had a lengthy affair with Camilla Bowles leading up to his union with Diana Spencer .
REALITY : Prince Charles had a lengthy affair with Camilla Bowles leading up to , throughout , and following his union with Diana Spencer .
CLAIM : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tense but ultimately loving relationship .
REALITY : No British royal has ever been capable of loving another person .
CLAIM : The queen had Princess Diana assassinated in 1997 .
REALITY : She actually gave the order in 1995 .
CLAIM : Prince Philip was disappointed upon meeting the Apollo 11 astronauts because he found them unremarkable .
REALITY : He was just pissed they didn ’ t bring him any moon rocks .
CLAIM : The queen wrote to Jackie Kennedy following JFK ’ s assassination .
REALITY : The queen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ until the late 1980s .
CLAIM : Henry Somerset , 10th Duke of Beaufort , was Master of the Horse in 1982 .
REALITY : This bit of stunning falsity was purely for dramatic narrative purposes , as we all know that office was then occupied by David Fane , 15th Earl of Westmorland .
CLAIM : Every member of the royal family speaks flawless Spanish .
REALITY : You need to check your Netflix language settings .
CLAIM : Queen Elizabeth and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher disagreed on imposing sanctions on South @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we were too distracted by the luxe interiors and fashion to wonder if this was true or not .

The U. K. culture secretary recently released a statement cautioning that the fourth season of the hit drama The Crown contains significant manipulations of the truth, leaving viewers wondering where the show’s facts end and its fiction begins. The Onion fact-checks the biggest claims made in The Crown.
CLAIM: Prince Charles had a lengthy affair with Camilla Bowles leading up to his union with Diana Spencer.
REALITY: Prince Charles had a lengthy affair with Camilla Bowles leading up to, throughout, and following his union with Diana Spencer.
Advertisement
CLAIM: Queen Elizabeth and her children have a tense but ultimately loving relationship.
REALITY: No British royal has ever been capable of loving another person.
CLAIM: The queen had Princess Diana assassinated in 1997.
REALITY: She actually gave the order in 1995.
Advertisement Advertisement
CLAIM: Prince Philip was disappointed upon meeting the Apollo 11 astronauts because he found them unremarkable.
REALITY: He was just pissed they didn’t bring him any moon rocks.
CLAIM: The queen wrote to Jackie Kennedy following JFK’s assassination.
REALITY: The queen didn’t learn how to write until the late 1980s.
Advertisement
CLAIM: Henry Somerset, 10th Duke of Beaufort, was Master of the Horse in 1982.
REALITY: This bit of stunning falsity was purely for dramatic narrative purposes, as we all know that office was then occupied by David Fane, 15th Earl of Westmorland.
CLAIM: Every member of the royal family speaks flawless Spanish.
REALITY: You need to check your Netflix language settings.
Advertisement
CLAIM: Queen Elizabeth and Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher disagreed on imposing sanctions on South Africa for apartheid.
REALITY: Honestly, we were too distracted by the luxe interiors and fashion to wonder if this was true or not.


theonion--2020-12-02--Barr Announces No Widespread Election Fraud After Clicking Warning Label On Flagged Trump Tweets

WASHINGTON—Breaking with the president on his “ rigged election ” claims , Attorney General William Barr announced Wednesday that the Department of Justice had discovered no evidence of widespread voter fraud after clicking the warning label on Trump ’ s flagged tweets .
“ After a thorough investigation of a link to reliable sources , I can state that there is no evidence of voter fraud that would alter the outcome of the election , ” said Barr , adding that he ’ d gone through hundreds of the pr esident ’ s tweets disputing the election and uncovered similar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on each claim .
“ It took me to a really helpful article from the Associated Press that helped clear things up .
Voter fraud is actually super rare in the United States , and even if there were a few isolated incidents , it wouldn ’ t have affected the outcome of the election .
It only took two minutes to debunk the whole thing .
I felt kind of silly .
We should probably be more concerned about the distrust that this is creating in the U.S. electoral process.
” At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stumbling upon a thread from a QAnon supporter .

WASHINGTON—Breaking with the president on his “rigged election” claims, Attorney General William Barr announced Wednesday that the Department of Justice had discovered no evidence of widespread voter fraud after clicking the warning label on Trump’s flagged tweets. “After a thorough investigation of a link to reliable sources, I can state that there is no evidence of voter fraud that would alter the outcome of the election,” said Barr, adding that he’d gone through hundreds of the pr esident’s tweets disputing the election and uncovered similar labels leading to a two paragraph clarification on each claim. “It took me to a really helpful article from the Associated Press that helped clear things up. Voter fraud is actually super rare in the United States, and even if there were a few isolated incidents, it wouldn’t have affected the outcome of the election. It only took two minutes to debunk the whole thing. I felt kind of silly. We should probably be more concerned about the distrust that this is creating in the U.S. electoral process.” At press time, Barr had backpedaled after stumbling upon a thread from a QAnon supporter.


theonion--2020-12-02--‘Oh, God, What Have I Done!’ Cries Matt Patricia After Discovering Pencil Fused To Ear

DETROIT—Grasping fruitlessly at the mound of flesh that had grown around the writing implement , former Detroit Lions coach Matt @ @ @ @ @ have I done !
” Wednesday after discovering his pencil had become fused behind his @ @ @ @ @ me .
They warned me and I wouldn ’ t listen !
Oh G od @ @ @ @ @ who grabbed a knife in a panic and tried to cut away at the skin @ @ @ @ @ pencil he had kept wedged behind his ear for years .
“ My wife begged @ @ @ @ @ pencil once in a while , at least while I slept , but I was @ @ @ @ @ can feel it digging deeper into my skull !
I ’ m mutilated forever.
” @ @ @ @ @ was taking solace in the fact that his grotesque new facial deformity will still n @ @ @ @ @ wearing a Lions hat .

DETROIT—Grasping fruitlessly at the mound of flesh that had grown around the writing implement, former Detroit Lions coach Matt Patricia screamed, “What have I done!” Wednesday after discovering his pencil had become fused behind his ear. “They warned me. They warned me and I wouldn’t listen! Oh G od,” screamed Patricia, who grabbed a knife in a panic and tried to cut away at the skin growing ever tighter around the pencil he had kept wedged behind his ear for years. “My wife begged me to take out the pencil once in a while, at least while I slept, but I was a damned fool. I can feel it digging deeper into my skull! I’m mutilated forever.” At press time, Patricia was taking solace in the fact that his grotesque new facial deformity will still n ever be as embarrassing as wearing a Lions hat.


theonion--2020-12-02--DOJ Vows To Prosecute Any Pay-For-Pardon Offers Trying To Lowball President

WASHINGTON—Warning that they have zero tolerance for cheapskates , the United States Department of Justice reportedly vowed Wednesday to prosecute @ @ @ @ @ lowball President Trump .
“ When it comes to bribing the commander in chief in @ @ @ @ @ , Americans can rest assured that anything but serious , substantial offers will be prosecuted @ @ @ @ @ the law , ” said Attorney General William Barr in a press conference , adding @ @ @ @ @ worth and any attempts to nickel-and-dime him will not fly under their watch .
“ @ @ @ @ @ any cheap bastards and throw the book at them .
We are demanding $ 500,000 @ @ @ @ @ think you can skimp on it , you will have to face harsh and swift @ @ @ @ @ , Barr announced that the DOJ had already indicted dozens of stingy cabinet members .

WASHINGTON—Warning that they have zero tolerance for cheapskates, the United States Department of Justice reportedly vowed Wednesday to prosecute any pay-for-pardon offers trying to lowball President Trump. “When it comes to bribing the commander in chief in exchange for a presidential pardon, Americans can rest assured that anything but serious, substantial offers will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law,” said Attorney General William Barr in a press conference, adding that the president knows his worth and any attempts to nickel-and-dime him will not fly under their watch. “We vow to hunt down any cheap bastards and throw the book at them. We are demanding $500,000 minimum, and if you think you can skimp on it, you will have to face harsh and swift justice.” At press time, Barr announced that the DOJ had already indicted dozens of stingy cabinet members.