theonion--2020-02-07--Deal Alert: The Guards Protecting The Duke’s Prized Copy Of ‘Diddy Kong Racing’ Will Be Briefly Dist

Deal Alert: The Guards Protecting The Duke’s Prized Copy Of ‘Diddy Kong Racing’ Will Be Briefly Distracted During The Fireworks Display At His Upcoming Grand Ball

Hail and well met , fans of diversions and leisure !
Take heed , for we have a most tantalizing proposition on this fortuitous day .
It has come to our attention that this very night , the eve of His Lordship Duke Edmund Havisham ’ s Jubilee Ball , there will be a slender moment in which the two ferocious knights that protect the Duke ’ s copy of Diddy Kong Racing will be distracted by the magnificent midnight fireworks display on the north lawn .
In this moment , Rare Limited ’ s iconic racing game will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are well merited—Diddy Kong Racing is the jewel of the Duke ’ s entire collection and provides His Lordship no small amount of amusement .
Surely , you must think this is a fool ’ s errand .
Admittedly , the price shall be hefty if you are caught with the game in hand by the castle guards .
You would live out your days in the darkest cell of the deepest dungeon with naught but rats and meager pottage to comfort you .
But is it not worth it , for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an aeroplane against the evil Wizpig ?
Insider sources also report that the rather oafish guard who seats himself next to the Duke ’ s mint-condition copy of Nintendo Power Issue # 3 often takes a nap after his sumptuous evening supper , and what ’ s more , is a drunkard !
With the right amount of cunning—and perhaps an alluring courtesan ’ s vizard to bamboozle his senses—this entire bundle could be yours within the eve !
Hark !
The band is beginning to play !
We know that the viscount @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reward for the rightful return of this copy of Diddy Kong Racing , which he believed the Duke stole from him during a recent parlay .
But do not lose your head to his promise of gold and concubine !
All gifts pale in comparison to the satisfaction you shall feel holding the cartridge in your hands and knowing that none in the realm save you will ever have access to the magical terrain of Future Fun Land .
Quickly , quickly !
The guards are making their way to the veranda .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ and sturdy of heart , and fare thee well !
Return with the prize , or else not at all !

Hail and well met, fans of diversions and leisure! Take heed, for we have a most tantalizing proposition on this fortuitous day.
It has come to our attention that this very night, the eve of His Lordship Duke Edmund Havisham’s Jubilee Ball, there will be a slender moment in which the two ferocious knights that protect the Duke’s copy of Diddy Kong Racing will be distracted by the magnificent midnight fireworks display on the north lawn. In this moment, Rare Limited’s iconic racing game will be yours for the taking!
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Your concerns are well merited—Diddy Kong Racing is the jewel of the Duke’s entire collection and provides His Lordship no small amount of amusement. Surely, you must think this is a fool’s errand. Admittedly, the price shall be hefty if you are caught with the game in hand by the castle guards. You would live out your days in the darkest cell of the deepest dungeon with naught but rats and meager pottage to comfort you. But is it not worth it, for the opportunity to race Timber the Tiger in an aeroplane against the evil Wizpig?
Insider sources also report that the rather oafish guard who seats himself next to the Duke’s mint-condition copy of Nintendo Power Issue #3 often takes a nap after his sumptuous evening supper, and what’s more, is a drunkard! With the right amount of cunning—and perhaps an alluring courtesan’s vizard to bamboozle his senses—this entire bundle could be yours within the eve!
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Hark! The band is beginning to play! We know that the viscount to the East has promised a great reward for the rightful return of this copy of Diddy Kong Racing, which he believed the Duke stole from him during a recent parlay. But do not lose your head to his promise of gold and concubine! All gifts pale in comparison to the satisfaction you shall feel holding the cartridge in your hands and knowing that none in the realm save you will ever have access to the magical terrain of Future Fun Land.
Quickly, quickly! The guards are making their way to the veranda. Hasten yourself! Be light of foot and sturdy of heart, and fare thee well! Return with the prize, or else not at all!


theonion--2020-02-07--‘He’s Got The Mulan Virus!’ Yells Don Jr. Attempting To Quarantine Eric By Duct Taping Garbage Bag O

‘He’s Got The Mulan Virus!’ Yells Don Jr. Attempting To Quarantine Eric By Duct Taping Garbage Bag Over Head

WASHINGTON—Kicking and punching his brother in an effort to fight the “ Germans ” [ sic ] that were swarming all over his sibling ’ s body , Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled , “ He ’ s got the Mulan virus !
” Thursday while attempting to quarantine Eric Trump by duct taping a garbage bag over his brother ’ s head .
“ Oh my God , ew , ew , ew !
Eric , do you have the Mulan Virus ?
” said a horrified Don Jr. , who , after sticking his hand into his brother @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , screamed and immediately sprayed an “ antelope ” [ sic ] of Lysol down Eric ’ s throat .
“ If you don ’ t fight the Mulan virus soon , you could invest [ sic ] everyone and start a worldwide academic [ sic ] .
Seriously !
Okay , now just stay still while I put a bag over my own head.
” At press time , Don Jr. was attempting to create some air holes for his younger brother by repeatedly stabbing the garbage bag with a compass .

The Onion on Politics, shared by The Onion to The Onion

WASHINGTON—Kicking and punching his brother in an effort to fight the “Germans” [sic] that were swarming all over his sibling’s body, Donald Trump Jr. reportedly yelled, “He’s got the Mulan virus!” Thursday while attempting to quarantine Eric Trump by duct taping a garbage bag over his brother’s head. “Oh my God, ew, ew, ew! Eric, do you have the Mulan Virus?” said a horrified Don Jr., who, after sticking his hand into his brother’s mouth to take his temperature, screamed and immediately sprayed an “antelope” [sic] of Lysol down Eric’s throat. “If you don’t fight the Mulan virus soon, you could invest [sic] everyone and start a worldwide academic [sic]. Seriously! Okay, now just stay still while I put a bag over my own head.” At press time, Don Jr. was attempting to create some air holes for his younger brother by repeatedly stabbing the garbage bag with a compass.


theonion--2020-02-09--Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Ev

Nervous, Jeans-Wearing Charlize Theron Wishes Someone Had Told Her This Was Supposed To Be Formal Event

LOS ANGELES—Flushed with embarrassment after surveying her peers on the red carpet , a jeans-wearing , sweatshirt-clad Charlize Theron nervously @ @ @ @ @ someone had told her the Academy Awards were supposed to be a formal event .
@ @ @ @ @ Everyone ’ s dressed to the nines , and I look like a complete schlub @ @ @ @ @ lamenting that if she were to go home and get dressed up in “ fancy @ @ @ @ @ miss the presentation of the Academy Award for Best Actress .
“ Saoirse Ronan told @ @ @ @ @ to ‘ wear whatever , ’ but she ’ s absolutely stunning .
Even my @ @ @ @ @ .
Maybe if I just sit down , nobody will notice what I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ , Theron was sprinting down Hollywood Boulevard to buy a nice skirt at the Gap @

The Onion on Entertainment, shared by The Onion to The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Flushed with embarrassment after surveying her peers on the red carpet, a jeans-wearing, sweatshirt-clad Charlize Theron nervously admitted Sunday that she wished someone had told her the Academy Awards were supposed to be a formal event. “Ah, geez. Everyone’s dressed to the nines, and I look like a complete schlub,” said Theron, lamenting that if she were to go home and get dressed up in “fancy clothes” that she might miss the presentation of the Academy Award for Best Actress. “Saoirse Ronan told me she was just going to ‘wear whatever,’ but she’s absolutely stunning. Even my agent looks better than me. Maybe if I just sit down, nobody will notice what I’m wearing.” At press time, Theron was sprinting down Hollywood Boulevard to buy a nice skirt at the Gap.


theonion--2020-02-10--‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Accep

‘You’re Allowed To Be Naked Sometimes, But Not Other Times,’ Says Brad Pitt In Baffling Oscars Acceptance Speech

LOS ANGELES—Eschewing traditional topics such as thanking colleagues or speaking out about political issues , Brad Pitt delivered a baffling Oscars acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor Sunday explaining that you ’ re allowed to be naked sometimes , but not other times .
“ Sometimes you have no choice but to wear clothes , and sometimes it ’ s okay to take them off .
It really just depends , ” said Pitt in a six-minute speech to a fidgeting , uncomfortable audience who had grown silent and were nervously eyeing the exits as the orchestra began trying to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ There are occasions where being nude is actually preferable , like in the shower .
Right now would be an inappropriate situation for being naked , but in a few hours , who knows .
That said , there are situations where it ’ s a sort of dealer ’ s choice where you can decide for yourself whether or not you want to be naked.
” At press time , the cast and crew who worked with Pitt on Once Upon A Time In Hollywood were tearing up and giving him a @ @ @

LOS ANGELES—Eschewing traditional topics such as thanking colleagues or speaking out about political issues, Brad Pitt delivered a baffling Oscars acceptance speech for Best Supporting Actor Sunday explaining that you’re allowed to be naked sometimes, but not other times. “Sometimes you have no choice but to wear clothes, and sometimes it’s okay to take them off. It really just depends,” said Pitt in a six-minute speech to a fidgeting, uncomfortable audience who had grown silent and were nervously eyeing the exits as the orchestra began trying to play him off the stage. “There are occasions where being nude is actually preferable, like in the shower. Right now would be an inappropriate situation for being naked, but in a few hours, who knows. That said, there are situations where it’s a sort of dealer’s choice where you can decide for yourself whether or not you want to be naked.” At press time, the cast and crew who worked with Pitt on Once Upon A Time In Hollywood were tearing up and giving him a standing ovation.


theonion--2020-02-10--NASA Launches Really Nice Nikon DSLR Camera Strapped To Rocket To Gather Photos Of Sun

CAPE CANAVERAL—Expressing excitement about the collaborative mission with the European Space Agency , NASA officials announced Monday the successful launch of a really nice Nikon DSLR camera strapped to a rocket to gather photos of the sun .
“ Thus far , we ’ ve been limited in our ability to take images of the sun , but this baby is a top-of-the-line camera , which , according to a number of Amazon reviews , takes really great pics , ” said NASA senior project manager Melissa Bolton , browsing through the high-quality images of trees and birds that her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nearby park with the Nikon D810A .
“ At first , we were thinking of using the latest iPhone after seeing those billboards advertising its new camera , but since this project could bring new insight into the many forces responsible for solar behavior , we decided to go all-out with a totally sweet DSLR .
This thing has really good auto-focus , a 20x zoom , and a little sun icon right on the camera , which is perfect because that ’ s what we ’ re shooting .
It can hold @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so we can just set the countdown timer and we ’ ll check what we got in a couple of years .
Sure , the Nikon is a little pricey , but you don ’ t need to be a professional to take great pictures .
It ’ s nice because the camera is pretty much idiot proof.
” At press time , NASA engineers were panicking after realizing that they had forgotten to remove the lens cap .

CAPE CANAVERAL—Expressing excitement about the collaborative mission with the European Space Agency, NASA officials announced Monday the successful launch of a really nice Nikon DSLR camera strapped to a rocket to gather photos of the sun. “Thus far, we’ve been limited in our ability to take images of the sun, but this baby is a top-of-the-line camera, which, according to a number of Amazon reviews, takes really great pics,” said NASA senior project manager Melissa Bolton, browsing through the high-quality images of trees and birds that her solar launch team had shot at a nearby park with the Nikon D810A. “At first, we were thinking of using the latest iPhone after seeing those billboards advertising its new camera, but since this project could bring new insight into the many forces responsible for solar behavior, we decided to go all-out with a totally sweet DSLR. This thing has really good auto-focus, a 20x zoom, and a little sun icon right on the camera, which is perfect because that’s what we’re shooting. It can hold a ton of pictures, too, so we can just set the countdown timer and we’ll check what we got in a couple of years. Sure, the Nikon is a little pricey, but you don’t need to be a professional to take great pictures. It’s nice because the camera is pretty much idiot proof.” At press time, NASA engineers were panicking after realizing that they had forgotten to remove the lens cap.


theonion--2020-02-10--Trump Fires Officials Who Testified In Impeachment Inquiry

Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired @ @ @ @ @ National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ Finally , people are being held accountable for the Ukraine @ @ @ @ @ how would you feel if your subordinate tried to bring your crimes to light ?
@ @ @ @ @ strong message to anyone considering donating $ 1 million to Trump .
”

Gordon Sondland was recalled from his post as ambassador to the European Union and Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman was fired from his job on the National Security Council on Friday as President Trump sought retribution for their testimony in the House impeachment inquiry. What do you think?
“Finally, people are being held accountable for the Ukraine scandal.” Rachel Carroll • Tree Beautician
“Well, how would you feel if your subordinate tried to bring your crimes to light?” Francis Lambert • Taxidermy Instructor
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theonion--2020-02-10--‘He’s A Cop,’ Say Bernie Backers, Withdrawing Support After Realizing Candidate Vying To Be Commande

‘He’s A Cop,’ Say Bernie Backers, Withdrawing Support After Realizing Candidate Vying To Be Commander In Chief

NEW YORK—Expressing disappointment that the longtime senator was “ just another part of the establishment , ” once-vocal supporters of Bernie Sanders withdrew their backing for the presidential candidate Monday after realizing he was vying to become commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces .
“ Bernie talks a big game about being progressive , but he also wants to lead the world ’ s largest military ?
No thanks , pig , ” said Brooklyn-based campaign volunteer Masha Ariely , expressing the sentiments of many former Sanders proponents who derided the White House hopeful as a “ dirty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strength of a vast global superpower with a nearly $ 700 billion annual defense budget .
“ I was pretty excited for Medicare For All , but not if it means I have to vote for a guy who ’ s going to be giving orders at the Pentagon .
We ’ re talking about an organization complicit in torture at Abu Ghraib , massacres in Vietnam , and a whole slew of war crimes going back to the Mexican–American War .
Clearly Bernie is some sort of plant.
” At press time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had trickled away after they discovered the avowed anti-billionaire candidate apparently nursed hopes of moving into the nation ’ s 132-room executive mansion .

NEW YORK—Expressing disappointment that the longtime senator was “just another part of the establishment,” once-vocal supporters of Bernie Sanders withdrew their backing for the presidential candidate Monday after realizing he was vying to become commander in chief of the U.S. Armed Forces. “Bernie talks a big game about being progressive, but he also wants to lead the world’s largest military? No thanks, pig,” said Brooklyn-based campaign volunteer Masha Ariely, expressing the sentiments of many former Sanders proponents who derided the White House hopeful as a “dirty cop” for seeking to wield the strength of a vast global superpower with a nearly $700 billion annual defense budget. “I was pretty excited for Medicare For All, but not if it means I have to vote for a guy who’s going to be giving orders at the Pentagon. We’re talking about an organization complicit in torture at Abu Ghraib, massacres in Vietnam, and a whole slew of war crimes going back to the Mexican–American War. Clearly Bernie is some sort of plant.” At press time, sources confirmed Sanders’ remaining supporters had trickled away after they discovered the avowed anti-billionaire candidate apparently nursed hopes of moving into the nation’s 132-room executive mansion.


Oscars Ceremony Ruined

Last night ’ s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars ’ worst gaffe in years .
@ @ @ @ @ in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good , and about the @ @ @ @ @ make it all much worse .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the @ @ @ @ @ the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store @ @ @ @ @ TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send @ @ @ @ @ a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Last night’s Academy Awards were marred by what might be the Oscars’ worst gaffe in years. Hear how a leaky pipe in the Dolby Theater almost shut down the ceremony for good, and about the superintendent who stepped in to make it all much worse.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-10--Health Officials Warn It Is Impossible To Tell If American Cruise Ship Passengers Suffering From Cor

Health Officials Warn It Is Impossible To Tell If American Cruise Ship Passengers Suffering From Coronavirus Or Just Like That

WASHINGTON—In a concerning development regarding the potentially deadly epidemic , health officials warned Monday that it was impossible to tell if American cruise ship passengers had contracted coronavirus or if they were just like that .
“ After extensive observation , we are still unable to determine if the passengers aboard our nation ’ s cruise ships have coronavirus or if the potential symptoms are simply a result of their lifestyle choices , ” said Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar , telling reporters that runny noses and headaches experienced by passengers may be due to decades of poor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the outdoors .
“ We ’ ve received dozens of reports of Americans struggling to breathe and generally feeling unwell , and while this definitely could be a result of the coronavirus , it could just as likely be due to the prevalence of drink specials and all-you-can-eat seafood buffets aboard ship .
At one point , we were fairly certain that we had found an outbreak , but it turned out the passengers ’ profuse sweating and pallid skin were a result of them having to walk up a flight of stairs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out of order.
” Azar added that the HHS had determined that the bloated skin , dehydration , and prolonged vomiting experienced by American cruise ship passengers had nothing whatsoever to do with the coronavirus .

WASHINGTON—In a concerning development regarding the potentially deadly epidemic, health officials warned Monday that it was impossible to tell if American cruise ship passengers had contracted coronavirus or if they were just like that. “After extensive observation, we are still unable to determine if the passengers aboard our nation’s cruise ships have coronavirus or if the potential symptoms are simply a result of their lifestyle choices,” said Health and Human Services secretary Alex Azar, telling reporters that runny noses and headaches experienced by passengers may be due to decades of poor eating habits and lack of exposure to the outdoors. “We’ve received dozens of reports of Americans struggling to breathe and generally feeling unwell, and while this definitely could be a result of the coronavirus, it could just as likely be due to the prevalence of drink specials and all-you-can-eat seafood buffets aboard ship. At one point, we were fairly certain that we had found an outbreak, but it turned out the passengers’ profuse sweating and pallid skin were a result of them having to walk up a flight of stairs when the ship’s elevator was out of order.” Azar added that the HHS had determined that the bloated skin, dehydration, and prolonged vomiting experienced by American cruise ship passengers had nothing whatsoever to do with the coronavirus.


theonion--2020-02-10--‘Parasite’ Wins Best Picture At 92nd Oscars

In an awards season dominated by discussion of homogeneity among the slate of nominees and the producers ’ choice to @ @ @ @ @ Joon-ho ’ s Parasite triumphed over fellow contenders at the 92nd Academy Awards and became @ @ @ @ @ ever win Best Picture .
What do you think ?
“ As someone who ’ @ @ @ @ @ cinema for a few weeks now , I have to say it ’ s about @ @ @ @ @ re dangerously close to respecting the artistic accomplishments of other cultures.
” “ Do none @ @ @ @ @ art is subjective ?
”

In an awards season dominated by discussion of homogeneity among the slate of nominees and the producers’ choice to forgo a host, Bong Joon-ho’s Parasite triumphed over fellow contenders at the 92nd Academy Awards and became the first foreign-language film to ever win Best Picture. What do you think?
“As someone who’s known about South Korean cinema for a few weeks now, I have to say it’s about time.” Nora Pratt • Pet Genealogist
“We’re dangerously close to respecting the artistic accomplishments of other cultures.” Marc Thornton • Freelance Bank Teller
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theonion--2020-02-10--Man Crippled By Fear Of Failure As If It Hadn’t Already Happened

STERLING , CO—Unable to make any major decisions lest he ruin his sad little life , local man Bill Cross remained crippled by fear of failure Monday as if it hadn ’ t already happened .
“ I ’ m scared I ’ m gon na choose the wrong career path or marry the wrong woman and totally regret it later , ” said Cross , remaining concerned that if he takes a risk and it doesn ’ t pan out that he could end up as pathetic as he already is right now .
“ I ’ ve got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m absolutely certain I can reach my goals without failing , I ’ ll start trying to achieve them .
What if I attempt to run a marathon or learn to play the guitar and I can ’ t do it ?
I ’ ll have nothing to show for myself just like I have nothing to show for myself today .
I can ’ t allow myself to end up like my dad [ with his good job and fulfilling home life . ]
” At press time , Cross had turned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he wasn ’ t qualified and would mess it all up .

The Onion on Local, shared by The Onion to The Onion

STERLING, CO—Unable to make any major decisions lest he ruin his sad little life, local man Bill Cross remained crippled by fear of failure Monday as if it hadn’t already happened. “I’m scared I’m gonna choose the wrong career path or marry the wrong woman and totally regret it later,” said Cross, remaining concerned that if he takes a risk and it doesn’t pan out that he could end up as pathetic as he already is right now. “I’ve got big plans, and once I’m absolutely certain I can reach my goals without failing, I’ll start trying to achieve them. What if I attempt to run a marathon or learn to play the guitar and I can’t do it? I’ll have nothing to show for myself just like I have nothing to show for myself today. I can’t allow myself to end up like my dad [with his good job and fulfilling home life.]” At press time, Cross had turned down a promotion at work after insisting he wasn’t qualified and would mess it all up.


theonion--2020-02-10--2020 Race Upended After New Poll Finds Trump, Democrats Trailing Mysterious Rune-Covered Obelisk By

2020 Race Upended After New Poll Finds Trump, Democrats Trailing Mysterious Rune-Covered Obelisk By 80 Points

ROCKPORT , IN—Revealing that the latest addition to the presidential race had totally upended the 2020 election , a national poll conducted Monday found that President Donald Trump , as well as every single Democratic candidate , were now trailing a mysterious rune-covered Obelisk by 8 0 points .
The newest numbers , which come from Emerson College , found that the 200-foot tall pillar , which reportedly has cryptic , glowing symbols engraved onto its surface , is now dominating among Democrats , Republicans , and independents .
Several major polls also indicated that after the monolithic column suddenly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a low humming noise , statisticians observed an extreme uptick in voters who previously supported Bernie Sanders , Joe Biden , Pete Buttigieg , Elizabeth Warren , Andrew Yang , Amy Klobuchar , Tom Steyer , Mike Bloomberg , and Donald Trump announcing in unison that they intended to cast their ballot for “ the one true candidate : the Obelisk.
” “ From its late entrance into the race to the way it attracts people from all over the political spectrum , the Obelisk is really what you ’ d call a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Leslie Fabacher , adding that voters responded positively to its imposing figure and independent gravitational field .
“ Sure , this arcane column made from some indeterminable material could have ended up another Tom Steyer or Michael Bloomberg , but now , Americans of virtually every demographic , regardless of age , gender , race , or religion , are connecting with the Obelisk ’ s mesmerizing thrum.
” “ Voters really seem to relate to this Washington outsider that comes from a realm unknown to science , ” Fabacher added .
According @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rural Indiana residents surveyed , over 99 % pledged total obedience to the infallible Obelisk .
In addition , respondents said that they felt confident about the future after gazing upon the constantly shifting runes emblazoned on the monolith .
When asked if they would consider voting for a candidate other than the Obelisk , those surveyed were either heard screaming in pain or answered , “ The Obelisk is all ; we are the Obelisk.
” According to the Federal Election Commission , the Obelisk has already shattered all fundraising records as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their bank accounts and flocked to the mystifying pillar to drop all of their earthly possessions in front of it .
Polls also showed that pro-Obelisk Democrats and Republicans did not mind that the Obelisk was registered with a party by the name of “ [ indecipherable runic language ] .
” “ When I felt the rumble beneath me and saw a white-hot , screaming Obelisk suddenly appear out of thin air , I knew that was the candidate for me , ” said Iowa voter Aaron Yalder , 49 , adding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ months , the Obelisk blinded him and commanded him to drop all other political allegiances .
“ Sure , I like that Sanders supports the United Steelworkers Union .
And I like that Trump is tough on crime .
But there was just something about that deep , low voice , speaking in a language I could not comprehend , occupying my every thought and controlling my every move.
” “ There is only the Obelisk , ” Yalder added .
“ How can you argue with that ?
” While the enigmatic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for less than 24 hours , the Obelisk has also secured the endorsements of numerous leading political figures , such as Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi ( D-CA ) , Senator Mitch McConnell ( R-KY ) , as well as former presidents Jimmy Carter , George W. Bush , and Barack Obama , who have all been spotted with the Obelisk , unconscious , floating hundreds of feet above the ground .
Even organizations such as Priorities USA , America First , and Citizens United have thrown their support and money behind the mysterious pillar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ choice .
The only choice.
” “ Look , when it comes to politics , there ’ s no other candidate that has connected with all Americans past and all Americans future , and has pledged to reinstate the Clean Waters Act , ” said Jessica Karling , a leader at SuperPac American Bridge , rending her clothes and filling the Obelisk ’ s runes with the blood of her newborn .
“ I ’ ve been doing this for over 50 years , and it ’ s not just the fact I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one true God and I would murder anyone for the Obelisk , anyone , just tell me , I ’ ll kill them—it ’ s the fact that it really cares about the American people.
” “ It ’ s 2020 , and this is going to be an election like we ’ ve never seen before , ” she added while bowing down to the Obelisk and self-flagellating with a tulip tree branch .
At press time , the Obelisk , which reportedly vaporized Senator Amy Klobuchar , after she denounced the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a 100 % approval rating .

ROCKPORT, IN—Revealing that the latest addition to the presidential race had totally upended the 2020 election, a national poll conducted Monday found that President Donald Trump, as well as every single Democratic candidate, were now trailing a mysterious rune-covered Obelisk by 8 0 points.
The newest numbers, which come from Emerson College, found that the 200-foot tall pillar, which reportedly has cryptic, glowing symbols engraved onto its surface, is now dominating among Democrats, Republicans, and independents. Several major polls also indicated that after the monolithic column suddenly materialized in a cornfield and began emitting a low humming noise, statisticians observed an extreme uptick in voters who previously supported Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, Andrew Yang, Amy Klobuchar, Tom Steyer, Mike Bloomberg, and Donald Trump announcing in unison that they intended to cast their ballot for “the one true candidate: the Obelisk.”
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“From its late entrance into the race to the way it attracts people from all over the political spectrum, the Obelisk is really what you’d call a dark horse candidate,” said pollster Leslie Fabacher, adding that voters responded positively to its imposing figure and independent gravitational field. “Sure, this arcane column made from some indeterminable material could have ended up another Tom Steyer or Michael Bloomberg, but now, Americans of virtually every demographic, regardless of age, gender, race, or religion, are connecting with the Obelisk’s mesmerizing thrum.”
“Voters really seem to relate to this Washington outsider that comes from a realm unknown to science,” Fabacher added.
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According to pollsters, out of the 500 rural Indiana residents surveyed, over 99% pledged total obedience to the infallible Obelisk. In addition, respondents said that they felt confident about the future after gazing upon the constantly shifting runes emblazoned on the monolith. When asked if they would consider voting for a candidate other than the Obelisk, those surveyed were either heard screaming in pain or answered, “The Obelisk is all; we are the Obelisk.”
According to the Federal Election Commission, the Obelisk has already shattered all fundraising records as compliant Americans from across the country emptied their bank accounts and flocked to the mystifying pillar to drop all of their earthly possessions in front of it.
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Polls also showed that pro-Obelisk Democrats and Republicans did not mind that the Obelisk was registered with a party by the name of “[indecipherable runic language].”
“When I felt the rumble beneath me and saw a white-hot, screaming Obelisk suddenly appear out of thin air, I knew that was the candidate for me,” said Iowa voter Aaron Yalder, 49, adding that while he had been undecided for months, the Obelisk blinded him and commanded him to drop all other political allegiances. “Sure, I like that Sanders supports the United Steelworkers Union. And I like that Trump is tough on crime. But there was just something about that deep, low voice, speaking in a language I could not comprehend, occupying my every thought and controlling my every move.”
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“There is only the Obelisk,” Yalder added. “How can you argue with that?”
While the enigmatic column has only been in the race for less than 24 hours, the Obelisk has also secured the endorsements of numerous leading political figures, such as Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), Senator Mitch McConnell (R-KY), as well as former presidents Jimmy Carter, George W. Bush, and Barack Obama, who have all been spotted with the Obelisk, unconscious, floating hundreds of feet above the ground.
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Even organizations such as Priorities USA, America First, and Citizens United have thrown their support and money behind the mysterious pillar, citing it as “The one choice. The only choice.”
“Look, when it comes to politics, there’s no other candidate that has connected with all Americans past and all Americans future, and has pledged to reinstate the Clean Waters Act,” said Jessica Karling, a leader at SuperPac American Bridge, rending her clothes and filling the Obelisk’s runes with the blood of her newborn. “I’ve been doing this for over 50 years, and it’s not just the fact I am its vessel and it is my one true God and I would murder anyone for the Obelisk, anyone, just tell me, I’ll kill them—it’s the fact that it really cares about the American people.”
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“It’s 2020, and this is going to be an election like we’ve never seen before,” she added while bowing down to the Obelisk and self-flagellating with a tulip tree branch.
At press time, the Obelisk, which reportedly vaporized Senator Amy Klobuchar, after she denounced the monolith as divisive, immediately surged to a 100% approval rating.


theonion--2020-02-10--Increasingly Unhinged Centrists Announce Plan To Round Up Nation Into Camps To Force Them To Engage

Increasingly Unhinged Centrists Announce Plan To Round Up Nation Into Camps To Force Them To Engage In Meaningful Dialogue

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were forced to take more radical measures to ensure the success of their moderate political platform , increasingly unhinged U.S. centrists announced Monday their plan to round up the nation ’ s populace into camps to force them to engage in meaningful dialogue .
“ As more Americans adopt left-wing or right-wing views , compromise to a moderate position will require more drastic action , which is why we ’ ve decided to herd every last American into trains and bring them to camps encircled in barbed wire where they will be forced to discuss their views @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Leland Welsh , spokesperson for the centrist think tank Third Way , which was behind the funding of the large open-air detention center where divided Americans would be forced to shake hands until their palms bled and go without food and water until they had agreed to understand and embrace the positions of their political opponents .
“ We believe that all Americans possess the capacity to find a middle ground on every single issue , which is why we ’ re going to force their eyes open to read opinion pieces by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to speeches by Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney blaring on loudspeakers 24 hours a day , and compel them to remain standing for long periods of time while our guards scream ‘ We can all get along !
’ In these camps , expressions of animosity toward another inmate ’ s belief system , or uttering anything besides the phrase ‘ But that ’ s just my opinion , and I ’ d love to hear yours ’ will be punishable by death .
We will stop at nothing to ensure that all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ system.
” The visibly crazed political centrists added that if the camps were unable to force any Americans to find common ground with one another , they would sell them in new slave markets to a company that would .

WASHINGTON—Explaining that they were forced to take more radical measures to ensure the success of their moderate political platform, increasingly unhinged U.S. centrists announced Monday their plan to round up the nation’s populace into camps to force them to engage in meaningful dialogue. “As more Americans adopt left-wing or right-wing views, compromise to a moderate position will require more drastic action, which is why we’ve decided to herd every last American into trains and bring them to camps encircled in barbed wire where they will be forced to discuss their views at gunpoint,” said a wild-eyed Leland Welsh, spokesperson for the centrist think tank Third Way, which was behind the funding of the large open-air detention center where divided Americans would be forced to shake hands until their palms bled and go without food and water until they had agreed to understand and embrace the positions of their political opponents. “We believe that all Americans possess the capacity to find a middle ground on every single issue, which is why we’re going to force their eyes open to read opinion pieces by their political adversaries, make them listen to speeches by Hillary Clinton and Mitt Romney blaring on loudspeakers 24 hours a day, and compel them to remain standing for long periods of time while our guards scream ‘We can all get along!’ In these camps, expressions of animosity toward another inmate’s belief system, or uttering anything besides the phrase ‘But that’s just my opinion, and I’d love to hear yours’ will be punishable by death. We will stop at nothing to ensure that all Americans hold the exact same centrist belief system.” The visibly crazed political centrists added that if the camps were unable to force any Americans to find common ground with one another, they would sell them in new slave markets to a company that would.


theonion--2020-02-10--Study Finds Dating Apps Most Effective Way To Find Everyone Your Age Apparently Kayaking Now

ANN ARBOR , MI—In what researchers are calling a significant cultural shift in the way young people are forging new social bonds , a new University of Michigan study revealed Monday that modern dating apps have become the single most effective way for individuals to determine that everyone in their age group was now into kayaking .
“ It used to be that singles would have to go out to bars , approach strangers , and initiate conversations with people to discover that their generation had taken up kayaking , but our study would seem to indicate that such forthright @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said lead researcher Joseph Yoon , noting that Tinder , Hinge , Bumble , and other popular apps were now the preeminent tool for finding others in your area who , by all accounts , seem to be spending a lot of free time paddling around rivers and lakes .
“ Our research shows that nearly 100 % of singles aged 22 to 45 are into kayaking now , a figure we could only have guessed at before the advent of these apps .
In today ’ s world , there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coworkers or friends of friends .
Just swipe your finger across your phone , and voila—you have access to a whole crop of strangers your age kayaking and documenting the occasion with photos.
” Yoon added that the proliferation of these apps has also greatly destigmatized the once-shameful process of finding out about everyone kayaking .

ANN ARBOR, MI—In what researchers are calling a significant cultural shift in the way young people are forging new social bonds, a new University of Michigan study revealed Monday that modern dating apps have become the single most effective way for individuals to determine that everyone in their age group was now into kayaking. “It used to be that singles would have to go out to bars, approach strangers, and initiate conversations with people to discover that their generation had taken up kayaking, but our study would seem to indicate that such forthright extroversion is no longer necessary,” said lead researcher Joseph Yoon, noting that Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and other popular apps were now the preeminent tool for finding others in your area who, by all accounts, seem to be spending a lot of free time paddling around rivers and lakes. “Our research shows that nearly 100% of singles aged 22 to 45 are into kayaking now, a figure we could only have guessed at before the advent of these apps. In today’s world, there’s no longer any need to consult your coworkers or friends of friends. Just swipe your finger across your phone, and voila—you have access to a whole crop of strangers your age kayaking and documenting the occasion with photos.” Yoon added that the proliferation of these apps has also greatly destigmatized the once-shameful process of finding out about everyone kayaking.


theonion--2020-02-10--Mom Still Seething Over Car That Blew Through Stop Sign 15 Years Ago

AUGUSTA , GA—Tightening her grip on the steering wheel as she approached the notorious intersection , local mom Helen Schumacher @ @ @ @ @ over a car that blew through a stop sign 15 years ago .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ me , ” said Schumacher , who furrowed her brow and shook her head while @ @ @ @ @ sped right through the crossing without any regard for oncoming traffic .
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ still remember that it was a white Camry .
I almost honked .
And you @ @ @ @ @ school right down the street !
It ’ s like the driver didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ ve gotten hurt too.
” At press time , Schumacher conceded that at least it @ @ @ @ @ as the time in 2002 when that blue Taurus pulled out of the Sears parking @ @ @ @ @ maniac .
”

AUGUSTA, GA—Tightening her grip on the steering wheel as she approached the notorious intersection, local mom Helen Schumacher was reportedly still seething Monday over a car that blew through a stop sign 15 years ago. “It was so inconsiderate—they clearly saw me,” said Schumacher, who furrowed her brow and shook her head while recalling how the vehicle blatantly sped right through the crossing without any regard for oncoming traffic. “It’s so dangerous! I still remember that it was a white Camry. I almost honked. And you know there’s a school right down the street! It’s like the driver didn’t think that he could’ve gotten hurt too.” At press time, Schumacher conceded that at least it wasn’t as bad as the time in 2002 when that blue Taurus pulled out of the Sears parking lot like “a total maniac.”


theonion--2020-02-10--Study Finds Leading Cause Of Childhood Obesity Witches Fattening Up Children To Be Eaten

ATLANTA—Urging parents to learn about the dangers lurking in the enchanted forest , a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Monday that the leading cause of childhood obesity was malevolent witches fattening up children with an intention to eat them .
“ Our findings show that more and more young Americans have been wandering into the woods , only to be accosted by an old , magical crone who wants nothing more than to plump them up like a piggie and get them ready for stew , ” said CDC chief of staff Kyle McGowen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rising BMI percentages and children eating all the Turkish delight , bread pudding , and homemade taffy that their little hearts desire .
“ Unfortunately , the correlation between excess weight gain and being placed in a steaming cauldron by a witch while she hand-feeds you cherry pie and cackles is extremely high .
And what ’ s worse , by the time these children find themselves on a dinner platter with an apple shoved in their mouths , it ’ s already too late.
” While McGowen emphasized that there was no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ advised children to leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever they go , just in case .

ATLANTA—Urging parents to learn about the dangers lurking in the enchanted forest, a new study from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found Monday that the leading cause of childhood obesity was malevolent witches fattening up children with an intention to eat them. “Our findings show that more and more young Americans have been wandering into the woods, only to be accosted by an old, magical crone who wants nothing more than to plump them up like a piggie and get them ready for stew,” said CDC chief of staff Kyle McGowen, noting a strong statistical correlation between rising BMI percentages and children eating all the Turkish delight, bread pudding, and homemade taffy that their little hearts desire. “Unfortunately, the correlation between excess weight gain and being placed in a steaming cauldron by a witch while she hand-feeds you cherry pie and cackles is extremely high. And what’s worse, by the time these children find themselves on a dinner platter with an apple shoved in their mouths, it’s already too late.” While McGowen emphasized that there was no quick fix to this epidemic, he advised children to leave a trail of breadcrumbs wherever they go, just in case.


theonion--2020-02-11--Emergency Room Staff Assures Parents That Burger King Chicken Fries Will Pass Naturally Through Chil

Emergency Room Staff Assures Parents That Burger King Chicken Fries Will Pass Naturally Through Child’s System

TULSA , OK—Comforting the worried couple that the common problem would likely work itself out on its own , Hillcrest Hospital ER staff assured parents Dave and Hilary Melford Tuesday that the Burger King Chicken Fries their son swallowed would likely pass naturally through his system .
“ We get a lot of worried moms and dads coming in fearing the worst , but you can rest assured that those Burger King Chicken Fries should pass intact through Jason ’ s large intestine in a matter of days without any significant health issues , ” said Dr. Terrance Rush , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ entirely unnecessary to remove the Chicken Fries from their son ’ s stomach .
“ Of course , the best course of action would have been to immediately induce vomiting , but the good news is I expect Jason will make a full recovery in as little as a week .
Unfortunately , the trace amounts of Zesty Sauce in his system could be there for years to come.
” At press time , ER staff members were diverted by a code blue for a child who had accidentally come into contact with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Crunch Box .

TULSA, OK—Comforting the worried couple that the common problem would likely work itself out on its own, Hillcrest Hospital ER staff assured parents Dave and Hilary Melford Tuesday that the Burger King Chicken Fries their son swallowed would likely pass naturally through his system. “We get a lot of worried moms and dads coming in fearing the worst, but you can rest assured that those Burger King Chicken Fries should pass intact through Jason’s large intestine in a matter of days without any significant health issues,” said Dr. Terrance Rush, stressing that medical intervention would likely be entirely unnecessary to remove the Chicken Fries from their son’s stomach. “Of course, the best course of action would have been to immediately induce vomiting, but the good news is I expect Jason will make a full recovery in as little as a week. Unfortunately, the trace amounts of Zesty Sauce in his system could be there for years to come.” At press time, ER staff members were diverted by a code blue for a child who had accidentally come into contact with Taco Bell’s Double Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box.


theonion--2020-02-11--University Of Colorado To Offer Degree In Marijuana

This fall , the University of Colorado will offer a bachelor ’ s degree in cannabis biology and chemistry , @ @ @ @ @ enter the country ’ s burgeoning marijuana industry armed with an education rooted in natural @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
“ I fear this will act as a gateway degree @ @ @ @ @ in pharmacology.
” “ This just plays into the stereotype of potheads being overachieving intellectuals.
@ @ @ @ @ going to need something more alluring than chemistry to get college kids into marijuana .
@

This fall, the University of Colorado will offer a bachelor’s degree in cannabis biology and chemistry, providing students the chance to enter the country’s burgeoning marijuana industry armed with an education rooted in natural products and analytical science. What do you think?
“I fear this will act as a gateway degree to a master’s in pharmacology.” Noel Sullivan • Thigh Model
“This just plays into the stereotype of potheads being overachieving intellectuals.” Christopher Blair • Cabinet Painter
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theonion--2020-02-11--Department Of Evil: ‘All Of You Must Die’

The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must @ @ @ @ @ it mean for Americans and their mortality ?
The Topical is presented by Cash App @ @ @ @ @ app in the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google @ @ @ @ @ promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App @ @ @ @ @ Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical @ @ @ @ @ , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The Department of Evil issued a strong and clear message today confirming that every resident of the United States must die. But what does it mean for Americans and their mortality?
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-11--‘It’s Time To Go, Mr. Stone,’ Says Ski-Masked William Barr After Running Prison Bus Off Road

WASHINGTON—Smashing through the glass of the back window before prying open the door , a ski-masked William Barr reportedly told Roger Stone that it was time to go Tuesday after running the convicted felon ’ s prison bus off the road .
“ Looks like there ’ s been a change of plans , ” said the attorney general , firing his sawed-off shotgun at Stone ’ s restraints in order to free him before spinning around and blasting a prison guard in the face at point-blank range .
“ You ’ ve got some friends in high places , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ passports for you and a change of clothes in the car .
Don ’ t worry , if we can make it to D.C. , we ’ ve got a nice , comfortable spot for you to wait it out until the heat is off , but we got ta move fast.
” At press time , after an injured prison guard began struggling to his feet , Barr reportedly told him “ Let Adam Schiff know what you saw here ” before ramming him in the forehead with the butt of his @ @

WASHINGTON—Smashing through the glass of the back window before prying open the door, a ski-masked William Barr reportedly told Roger Stone that it was time to go Tuesday after running the convicted felon’s prison bus off the road. “Looks like there’s been a change of plans,” said the attorney general, firing his sawed-off shotgun at Stone’s restraints in order to free him before spinning around and blasting a prison guard in the face at point-blank range. “You’ve got some friends in high places, Mr. Stone. I have some new passports for you and a change of clothes in the car. Don’t worry, if we can make it to D.C., we’ve got a nice, comfortable spot for you to wait it out until the heat is off, but we gotta move fast.” At press time, after an injured prison guard began struggling to his feet, Barr reportedly told him “Let Adam Schiff know what you saw here” before ramming him in the forehead with the butt of his shotgun.


theonion--2020-02-11--Flustered New Hampshire Bed And Breakfast Host Informs Biden, Sanders, Buttigieg, Warren, Klobuchar

Flustered New Hampshire Bed And Breakfast Host Informs Biden, Sanders, Buttigieg, Warren, Klobuchar They’re All Booked For Same Room

‘ I ’ m Sorry But You ’ ll Have To Share ’ CONCORD , NH—Realizing there had been a major oversight during scheduling , the flustered host of a New Hampshire B & B informed Joe Biden , Bernie Sanders , Pete Buttigieg , Elizabeth Warren , and Amy Klobuchar Tuesday that they were all booked for the same room .
“ I ’ m incredibly sorry for the mix-up , but we ’ re completely full , and all five of you will be sharing the Lavender Room upstairs , ” said the owner of The Birch Tree @ @ @ @ @ @ @ candidates to their cozy floral-themed bedroom complete with a full-sized bed and antique writing desk .
“ The bed comfortably sleeps two , maybe three , and the other folks will need to snuggle up on the roll-out .
Or we can push the bed and the roll-out together to make one real big bed so all of you can sleep together .
The bathroom is down the hall , but luckily , you only have to share it with our guests in the Rose Suite .
Again , I apologize for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up extra towels to ensure you each get at least one.
” At press time , Pete Buttigieg was spotted carrying a stack of board games up to the room after the five Democrats were unable to get Netflix to stream on Elizabeth Warren ’ s laptop .

‘I’m Sorry But You’ll Have To Share’
CONCORD, NH—Realizing there had been a major oversight during scheduling, the flustered host of a New Hampshire B&B informed Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Pete Buttigieg, Elizabeth Warren, and Amy Klobuchar Tuesday that they were all booked for the same room. “I’m incredibly sorry for the mix-up, but we’re completely full, and all five of you will be sharing the Lavender Room upstairs,” said the owner of The Birch Tree Inn as she led the Democratic primary candidates to their cozy floral-themed bedroom complete with a full-sized bed and antique writing desk. “The bed comfortably sleeps two, maybe three, and the other folks will need to snuggle up on the roll-out. Or we can push the bed and the roll-out together to make one real big bed so all of you can sleep together. The bathroom is down the hall, but luckily, you only have to share it with our guests in the Rose Suite. Again, I apologize for the snafu, so I’ve sent up extra towels to ensure you each get at least one.” At press time, Pete Buttigieg was spotted carrying a stack of board games up to the room after the five Democrats were unable to get Netflix to stream on Elizabeth Warren’s laptop.


theonion--2020-02-11--Website Offers Porn To Passengers Trapped On Quarantined Cruise Ship

In an effort to ease fear and alleviate boredom , the pornography site CamSoda is offering free webcam sessions to @ @ @ @ @ trapped aboard the Diamond Princess , a cruise ship that has been quarantined for nearly @ @ @ @ @ tested positive for coronavirus .
What do you think ?
“ Premium pornography is a @ @ @ @ @ has used for generations.
” “ Sorry , but as a Christian , I believe @ @ @ @ @ to ejaculate on land .
”

In an effort to ease fear and alleviate boredom, the pornography site CamSoda is offering free webcam sessions to the 3,700 passengers and crew trapped aboard the Diamond Princess, a cruise ship that has been quarantined for nearly a week after 135 guests tested positive for coronavirus. What do you think?
“The onboard entertainment must be pretty bad then, huh?” Dion Aleman • Guitar Tuner
“Premium pornography is a classic remedy that my family has used for generations.” Stacy Hill • Zamboni Mechanic
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theonion--2020-02-11--Poll Finds Bloomberg Trailing Among Young Black Males He’s Already Thrown In Prison

HAMDEN , CT—Suggesting continued challenges in the former New York City mayor ’ s quest for the presidential nomination , a new poll conducted by Quinnipiac University found that Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg was trailing his rivals among young black males he ’ s already thrown into prison .
“ Bloomberg is continuing to perform poorly among African American men who were between 16 and 25 years old when they were arrested for possession of marijuana during his tenure as mayor of New York , ” said lead pollster Nadia Bresner , confirming that fewer than 2 % of survey @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a result of stop-and-frisk policies named Bloomberg as one of their top three favorite candidates .
“ These numbers suggest that these individuals strongly connected to other candidates ’ policies of not having them detained and incarcerated based on their race .
It remains to be seen if Bloomberg can bridge the gap of minorities he allowed to be terrorized by the police with another multimillion-dollar TV ad buy.
” Bresner added that not all the poll numbers were bad for Bloomberg , noting that he was still beating Pete Buttigieg among @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bend had thrown into prison .

HAMDEN, CT—Suggesting continued challenges in the former New York City mayor’s quest for the presidential nomination, a new poll conducted by Quinnipiac University found that Democratic candidate Michael Bloomberg was trailing his rivals among young black males he’s already thrown into prison. “Bloomberg is continuing to perform poorly among African American men who were between 16 and 25 years old when they were arrested for possession of marijuana during his tenure as mayor of New York,” said lead pollster Nadia Bresner, confirming that fewer than 2% of survey respondents who were still serving prison sentences as a result of stop-and-frisk policies named Bloomberg as one of their top three favorite candidates. “These numbers suggest that these individuals strongly connected to other candidates’ policies of not having them detained and incarcerated based on their race. It remains to be seen if Bloomberg can bridge the gap of minorities he allowed to be terrorized by the police with another multimillion-dollar TV ad buy.” Bresner added that not all the poll numbers were bad for Bloomberg, noting that he was still beating Pete Buttigieg among young black men the mayor of South Bend had thrown into prison.


theonion--2020-02-11--Man Calms Down From Violent Rage After Seeing ‘Or Current Resident’ On Misaddressed Letter

ROCKFORD , IL—Unclenching his fists as blood spilled from fingernail lacerations on his palms , area man Dan Collins reportedly calmed from a violent rage Tuesday after he noticed a misaddressed letter also included “ or current resident ” as the intended recipient .
“ Oh , thank God , ” said Collins , panting as a pulsing vein receded into his forehead and anger dissolved into recognition and finally into acceptance .
“ The insult that I suffered upon receiving this piece of mail for one ‘ Patrick Fox ’ —the nerve !
My ... name ... isn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s alright , here you are just a centimeter lower— ‘ current resident ’ —that ’ s me , alright .
Good , my brain doesn ’ t feel hot anymore , and I no longer need to seek revenge upon my mailman in the form of a violent ambush , as I had planned just moments ago before I saw that ‘ or.
’ Whew !
Close one.
” At press time , Collins had reportedly devoured the Bed Bath & Beyond catalog that was addressed to him and @ @ @

ROCKFORD, IL—Unclenching his fists as blood spilled from fingernail lacerations on his palms, area man Dan Collins reportedly calmed from a violent rage Tuesday after he noticed a misaddressed letter also included “or current resident” as the intended recipient. “Oh, thank God,” said Collins, panting as a pulsing vein receded into his forehead and anger dissolved into recognition and finally into acceptance. “The insult that I suffered upon receiving this piece of mail for one ‘Patrick Fox’—the nerve! My...name...isn’t...Patrick! Alright, Dan, it’s alright, here you are just a centimeter lower—‘current resident’—that’s me, alright. Good, my brain doesn’t feel hot anymore, and I no longer need to seek revenge upon my mailman in the form of a violent ambush, as I had planned just moments ago before I saw that ‘or.’ Whew! Close one.” At press time, Collins had reportedly devoured the Bed Bath & Beyond catalog that was addressed to him and him alone.


theonion--2020-02-11--Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 11, 2020

While you may have valor , resolve , and even vigor , what you don ’ t have is a @ @ @ @ @ words actually mean .

Pisces | Feb. 19 to March 20
Your mother claims that she never raised a liar for a son, but then what else do you expect from a lizard-human hybrid born out of a top-secret government project?


theonion--2020-02-11--Fertility Clinic Employee Asks Couple If They’d Like To Play With Sperm Out Back And Get To Know It

Fertility Clinic Employee Asks Couple If They’d Like To Play With Sperm Out Back And Get To Know It Better

OMAHA , NE—Warning that the single-celled gamete they were looking at could be a little feisty , fertility clinic employee Mark Ipser reportedly asked a couple Tuesday if they would like to play with a sperm out back and get to know it better .
“ This guy is adorable , but it ’ s impossible to know how he ’ ll act around you until you get out there and handle him yourself , ” said Ipser , emphasizing that every spermatozoon reacts to new humans differently , especially because so many of them at the clinic were old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the curb by elderly men with no other option .
“ This guy in particular is one of our favorites around here , but I ’ ll be honest—he ’ s really attached to his thousands of brothers , and he can really whip his flagellum when he ’ s excited .
Ideally , I ’ d like to see him go home with someone who has extensive experience with sperm , just so you ’ re not blindsided .
Oh , and also , he definitely needs to be with a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Ipser told reporters that the couple had opted to look elsewhere and spring for a “ purer ” sperm that they found online .

OMAHA, NE—Warning that the single-celled gamete they were looking at could be a little feisty, fertility clinic employee Mark Ipser reportedly asked a couple Tuesday if they would like to play with a sperm out back and get to know it better. “This guy is adorable, but it’s impossible to know how he’ll act around you until you get out there and handle him yourself,” said Ipser, emphasizing that every spermatozoon reacts to new humans differently, especially because so many of them at the clinic were old, blind, or had been dropped on the curb by elderly men with no other option. “This guy in particular is one of our favorites around here, but I’ll be honest—he’s really attached to his thousands of brothers, and he can really whip his flagellum when he’s excited. Ideally, I’d like to see him go home with someone who has extensive experience with sperm, just so you’re not blindsided. Oh, and also, he definitely needs to be with a family without children.” At press time, Ipser told reporters that the couple had opted to look elsewhere and spring for a “purer” sperm that they found online.


theonion--2020-02-12--Resigned Nutritionists Now Recommend Eating 3 Servings A Day Of Mice Or Bark Or Whatever

ITHACA , NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat , an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation ’ s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever .
“ As far as we ’ re concerned , you people can swallow ping-pong balls whole—we don ’ t give a shit , ” said Professor Marie Barrow of Cornell University ’ s Division of Nutritional Science , who shrugged as she suggested Americans maintain balanced portions sizes of insects , batteries , house cats @ @ @ @ @ @ @ else they want to try cramming indiscriminately down their throats .
“ We ’ ve spent our careers providing you with carefully researched advice , but obviously no one is listening .
So go outside and eat handfuls of grass and dirt , if you ’ d like .
Or just keep your mouth open and see what lands in it .
When you ’ re eating that much , you ’ re bound to run into some vitamins by chance , eventually.
” The nutritionists then reiterated that Americans should try to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unless of course they ’ re rather have four , or five , or 15 , because obviously no one fucking cares anymore .

ITHACA, NY—Letting out deep sighs of apparent defeat, an exasperated and embittered panel of the nation’s leading nutritionists voiced resignation Thursday when it recommended adults just go ahead and consume three servings per day of mice or bark or whatever. “As far as we’re concerned, you people can swallow ping-pong balls whole—we don’t give a shit,” said Professor Marie Barrow of Cornell University’s Division of Nutritional Science, who shrugged as she suggested Americans maintain balanced portions sizes of insects, batteries, house cats, small kitchen appliances, or anything else they want to try cramming indiscriminately down their throats. “We’ve spent our careers providing you with carefully researched advice, but obviously no one is listening. So go outside and eat handfuls of grass and dirt, if you’d like. Or just keep your mouth open and see what lands in it. When you’re eating that much, you’re bound to run into some vitamins by chance, eventually.” The nutritionists then reiterated that Americans should try to limit themselves to three meals day, unless of course they’re rather have four, or five, or 15, because obviously no one fucking cares anymore.


theonion--2020-02-12--FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam

FBI Warns Against American Dream Scam

It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination .
Hear @ @ @ @ @ themselves from this growing scam .
The Topical is presented by Cash App , the @ @ @ @ @ the app store .
Download Cash App in the App Store or Google Play Store @ @ @ @ @ TOPICAL today !
Not only will you get $ 10 but Cash App will send @ @ @ @ @ a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues .
You can find The Topical on Apple @ @ @ @ @ Podcasts , and Stitcher .

It promises prosperity and success in exchange for nothing more than a lifetime of hard work and determination. Hear how authorities suggest people protect themselves from this growing scam.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-12--Takeaways From The New Hampshire Primaries

The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11 , with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates @ @ @ @ @ Democratic delegates .
The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries @ @ @ @ @ at least 283,440 people in New Hampshire .
Bernie Sanders loses to Amy Klobuchar and @ @ @ @ @ for second and third place .
Cold rain and common sense not deterring 154 people @ @ @ @ @ for Cory Booker .
Buttigieg unable to carry momentum from preemptively declaring victory in Iowa @ @ @ @ @ other states .
If you ask the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings to turn on @ @ @ @ @ you , he ’ ll give you a look , but he ’ ll still @ @ @ @ @ struggles to shore up support among people who have made up minds to vote for @ @ @ @ @ had a nice time with his friends .
Vote goes in , gets counted .
@ @ @ @ @ .

The New Hampshire presidential primaries took place on February 11, with President Donald Trump seeking reelection and several candidates locked in fierce competition for Democratic delegates. The Onion provides the most important takeaways from the New Hampshire primaries.
Exit polls indicated there at least 283,440 people in New Hampshire.
Suspicious lack of technical difficulties.
Bernie Sanders loses to Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg in key battle for second and third place.
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Deval Patrick and Michael Bennet bested by “Other.”
Cold rain and common sense not deterring 154 people from leaving home to vote for Cory Booker.
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Buttigieg unable to carry momentum from preemptively declaring victory in Iowa to preemptively declaring victory in other states.
If you ask the bartender at Buffalo Wild Wings to turn on the New Hampshire primaries for you, he’ll give you a look, but he’ll still do it.
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Elizabeth Warren struggles to shore up support among people who have made up minds to vote for another candidate.
Tom Steyer had a nice time with his friends.
Vote goes in, gets counted. Simple as that, Iowa.


theonion--2020-02-12--Fox News Producer Knows His Work Formulaic But At Least It Helps People Escape Reality For Couple Ho

Fox News Producer Knows His Work Formulaic But At Least It Helps People Escape Reality For Couple Hours

NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories , Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic , it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours .
“ Sure , when I started out in this industry , I had more ambitious goals , but at the end of the day , people just want to zone out and enjoy the diversion provided by a purely imaginary world , ” said Peterson , adding that as long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his audience wants to hear , he feels as though he ’ s doing his job and making a difference .
“ I know some of our storylines—for example , the one about the anti-racist protesters in Charlottesville actually being paid actors hired by a PR firm—aren ’ t very convincing , but just because a plot is far-fetched doesn ’ t mean it isn ’ t enjoyable for people to watch .
And what ’ s wrong with giving people something they like ?
Many of our viewers are getting on in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ solace in familiar characters and story arcs , even if they do tend to be a little derivative of the president ’ s Twitter account.
” Peterson ’ s went on to confirm that he doesn ’ t often watch his network ’ s programming at home , preferring to spend his free time watching the news instead .

NEW YORK—Expressing a kind of resigned satisfaction with the familiar tropes the conservative media outlet relies upon for its stories, Fox News producer Ken Peterson acknowledged Wednesday that while his work may be formulaic, it at least allows viewers to escape reality for a couple of hours. “Sure, when I started out in this industry, I had more ambitious goals, but at the end of the day, people just want to zone out and enjoy the diversion provided by a purely imaginary world,” said Peterson, adding that as long as he’s telling the stories his audience wants to hear, he feels as though he’s doing his job and making a difference. “I know some of our storylines—for example, the one about the anti-racist protesters in Charlottesville actually being paid actors hired by a PR firm—aren’t very convincing, but just because a plot is far-fetched doesn’t mean it isn’t enjoyable for people to watch. And what’s wrong with giving people something they like? Many of our viewers are getting on in years, and I think they find solace in familiar characters and story arcs, even if they do tend to be a little derivative of the president’s Twitter account.” Peterson’s went on to confirm that he doesn’t often watch his network’s programming at home, preferring to spend his free time watching the news instead.


theonion--2020-02-12--Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary

Sanders Wins New Hampshire Primary

Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused , Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire ’ @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ So what ?
A Democrat wins that primary @ @ @ @ @ Is any victory worth the cost of pushing Michael Bennet out of the race ?
@ @ @ @ @ many states does this goddamn country have ?
”

Following the Iowa caucus debacle that delayed official results and left observers confused, Bernie Sanders won New Hampshire’s Democratic primary on Tuesday. What do you think?
“So what? A Democrat wins that primary every 4 years.” Julia Adkins • High Society Consultant
“Is any victory worth the cost of pushing Michael Bennet out of the race?” Damon Welch • Urban Blight Photographer
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theonion--2020-02-12--CEO Of Robotics Corporation Tells Sobbing Andrew Yang That He Was His Greatest Creation

WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair , Professor Elijah Tresswell , CEO @ @ @ @ @ told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ quite a shock to you , Andrew , but all your memories from your life @ @ @ @ @ constructed narratives implanted into your neural processor , ” said Tresswell , urging Yang to @ @ @ @ @ technological advances that he ’ d helped bring into existence .
“ I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ as , with each presidential debate , you became more sophisticated , more emotive , @ @ @ @ @ t fret , my sweet Andrew , for though you failed to become the nominee @ @ @ @ @ far greater , my son.
” At press time , an anguished Yang had reportedly @ @ @ @ @ with his bare hands before fleeing through the rain-drenched streets of D.C .

WASHINGTON—Stroking his hair as the former presidential candidate fell to his knees in despair, Professor Elijah Tresswell, CEO of Tresswell Robotics, reportedly told a sobbing Andrew Yang Wednesday that he was his greatest creation. “I understand that this must be quite a shock to you, Andrew, but all your memories from your life before the campaign were simply constructed narratives implanted into your neural processor,” said Tresswell, urging Yang to take pride in the tremendous technological advances that he’d helped bring into existence. “I’ve watched you with such delight as, with each presidential debate, you became more sophisticated, more emotive, more human. Don’t fret, my sweet Andrew, for though you failed to become the nominee, you have achieved something far greater, my son.” At press time, an anguished Yang had reportedly crushed Tresswell’s skull with his bare hands before fleeing through the rain-drenched streets of D.C.


theonion--2020-02-12--Moderates Worry Klobuchar Splitting People-Who-Will-Vote-For-Anybody Vote

NEW YORK—Noting that the Minnesota senator could be a potential “ spoiler at the convention , ” FiveThiryEight released a @ @ @ @ @ Democrats were worried Amy Klobuchar could split the crucial people-who-will-vote-for-anybody vote .
“ Klobuchar has @ @ @ @ @ nomination if she can lock down this constituency of voters who just kind of support @ @ @ @ @ recently , ” said editor-in-chief Nate Silver , referring to the demographic as the Democratic @ @ @ @ @ voting base .
“ We all expected Biden to consolidate this group , but he @ @ @ @ @ with people who don ’ t really want to consider why they ’ re casting @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s Klobuchar who looks to be the one speaking to their issues—which are @ @ @ @ @ ’ s definitely an appealing choice for Democrats who blindly vote for any random candidate @ @ @ @ @ next to their name.
” The report concluded by citing Hilary Clinton ’ s stronghold @ @ @ @ @ her path to the 2016 nomination .

NEW YORK—Noting that the Minnesota senator could be a potential “spoiler at the convention,” FiveThiryEight released a report Wednesday finding that moderate Democrats were worried Amy Klobuchar could split the crucial people-who-will-vote-for-anybody vote. “Klobuchar has a real path to the nomination if she can lock down this constituency of voters who just kind of support anyone whose name they heard recently,” said editor-in-chief Nate Silver, referring to the demographic as the Democratic party’s most consistent voting base. “We all expected Biden to consolidate this group, but he has surprisingly struggled to connect with people who don’t really want to consider why they’re casting a vote. Instead, it’s Klobuchar who looks to be the one speaking to their issues—which are vague and ill-defined. She’s definitely an appealing choice for Democrats who blindly vote for any random candidate with a ‘D’ next to their name.” The report concluded by citing Hilary Clinton’s stronghold over the voting block on her path to the 2016 nomination.


theonion--2020-02-12--Gaming Is Finally Growing Up: This Xbox One Is Wearing A Suit And Tie

Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child ’ s play—an immature distraction from the more “ serious ” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world .
But it ’ s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up , because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie !
Yup , readers .
This right here is the clearest sign yet that gaming isn ’ t just for kids anymore .
Boy , we wish we could see the stunned looks on critics ’ faces when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s console attired in a smart Brooks Brothers suit and silk tie , and realize everything they ’ ve thought about video games has been dead wrong .
What ’ s even sweeter is that the Xbox ’ s leather briefcase leaves no room for the argument that novels or films are the only adult form of storytelling anymore .
And is that a tasteful pocket square we see in the console ’ s Blu-ray drive ?
Well , well , well .
Of course , we ’ d argue that we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 60-year history of video games that settled this argument , such as when a PlayStation 2 was spotted wearing a phone headset in a drab office cubicle or when a pair of Sega Saturns was seen at their kitchen table agonizing over prenup agreements .
However , none of that matters now that this mature console and its sophisticated work ensemble have put this silly debate to rest once and for all !
So listen up , gamers : next time some detractor starts disparaging your life passion as childish or shallow , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of this Xbox One and its responsible , stylish business outfit .
We ’ re pretty sure that will shut them up for good .

The Onion on OGN, shared by The Onion to The Onion

Haters have always said that gaming was nothing but child’s play—an immature distraction from the more “serious” and critically accepted art forms out there in the world. But it’s time for those naysayers to bow down and accept that gaming is finally growing up, because this Xbox One is wearing a suit and tie!
Yup, readers. This right here is the clearest sign yet that gaming isn’t just for kids anymore.
Boy, we wish we could see the stunned looks on critics’ faces when they get a load of Microsoft’s console attired in a smart Brooks Brothers suit and silk tie, and realize everything they’ve thought about video games has been dead wrong. What’s even sweeter is that the Xbox’s leather briefcase leaves no room for the argument that novels or films are the only adult form of storytelling anymore. And is that a tasteful pocket square we see in the console’s Blu-ray drive? Well, well, well.
Of course, we’d argue that we’ve already had countless moments in the 60-year history of video games that settled this argument, such as when a PlayStation 2 was spotted wearing a phone headset in a drab office cubicle or when a pair of Sega Saturns was seen at their kitchen table agonizing over prenup agreements. However, none of that matters now that this mature console and its sophisticated work ensemble have put this silly debate to rest once and for all!
So listen up, gamers: next time some detractor starts disparaging your life passion as childish or shallow, you just point them in the direction of this Xbox One and its responsible, stylish business outfit. We’re pretty sure that will shut them up for good.


theonion--2020-02-12--Pregnant Woman Finally Knows Joy Of What It Feels Like To Be Big Fat Guy

MEMPHIS , TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl , 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant , she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy .
“ The happiness I feel every day , waking up like some jolly , 300-pound man and rubbing my huge , protruding belly in the mirror , is honestly indescribable , ” said the nine-months pregnant Drysdale , adding that while she was scared at first to feel like an obese middle-aged dad , coming home , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ downing an entire pizza by herself in a La-Z-Boy recliner had exceeded her expectations .
“ Yes , it ’ s hard sometimes , because my ankles are swollen , I can ’ t actually touch my toes , and I sweat in crevices I never even knew I had .
But when I get to say things like ‘ Woah !
My dogs are barking , ’ or do a big laugh that makes my whole body jiggle , it ’ s incredible .
And honestly , it ’ s powerful.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her statements after she gave birth and doctors informed her that she had gained 70 pounds .

MEMPHIS, TN—Revealing that she had dreamed of this special moment since she was just a little girl, 31-year-old Jessica Drysdale told reporters Wednesday that since becoming pregnant, she finally understood the joy of feeling like a big fat guy. “The happiness I feel every day, waking up like some jolly, 300-pound man and rubbing my huge, protruding belly in the mirror, is honestly indescribable,” said the nine-months pregnant Drysdale, adding that while she was scared at first to feel like an obese middle-aged dad, coming home, putting on her stretchy pants, and downing an entire pizza by herself in a La-Z-Boy recliner had exceeded her expectations. “Yes, it’s hard sometimes, because my ankles are swollen, I can’t actually touch my toes, and I sweat in crevices I never even knew I had. But when I get to say things like ‘Woah! My dogs are barking,’ or do a big laugh that makes my whole body jiggle, it’s incredible. And honestly, it’s powerful.” At press time, Drysdale had retracted her statements after she gave birth and doctors informed her that she had gained 70 pounds.
Watch 5 Things To Know About Gwyneth Paltrow And Goop Share view video 5 Things To Know About Gwyneth Paltrow And Goop


theonion--2020-02-13--Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

Pros And Cons Of Abolishing The Senate

Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789 , the Senate has served as the @ @ @ @ @ but as America has grown and populations have shifted , its continued existence as a @ @ @ @ @ an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny .
The Onion takes a look @ @ @ @ @ of abolishing the Senate .
Founders devised Senate several generations before anyone could have even @ @ @ @ @ t abolished anything in a while Senate building could make for some nice new downtown @ @ @ @ @ of fun new legislative body with cool name like The Assembly or The Council of @ @ @ @ @ safety valve in case democracy functioning too well Would be mean after Founding Fathers put @ @ @ @ @ Kind of terrifying to think about what Mitch McConnell would get up to in private @

Established by Article 1 of the U.S. Constitution and first convened in 1789, the Senate has served as the upper chamber of Congress, but as America has grown and populations have shifted, its continued existence as a chamber that gives every state an equal number of representatives has come under scrutiny. The Onion takes a look at the pros and cons of abolishing the Senate.
PRO
Founders devised Senate several generations before anyone could have even conceived of Oklahoma
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Haven’t abolished anything in a while
Senate building could make for some nice new downtown lofts
Could lead to formation of fun new legislative body with cool name like The Assembly or The Council of Elders
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CON
Senate serves as a safety valve in case democracy functioning too well
Would be mean after Founding Fathers put so much work into it
Kind of terrifying to think about what Mitch McConnell would get up to in private sector
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Derails career track for children of current senators


theonion--2020-02-13--Yang, Bennet, Patrick Drop Out Of Presidential Race

Andrew Yang , Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday ’ s New Hampshire primary , @ @ @ @ @ from 11 to 8 .
What do you think ?
“ It ’ ll be @ @ @ @ @ affects their chances in the upcoming primaries.
” “ You got ta admire Deval Patrick @ @ @ @ @ his entire campaign into a few short months.
” “ Savvy move by Bennet to @ @ @ @ @ he can play kingmaker with his endorsement .
”

Andrew Yang, Michael Bennet and Deval Patrick ended their presidential bids following Tuesday’s New Hampshire primary, narrowing the 2020 Democratic field from 11 to 8. What do you think?
“It’ll be interesting to see how this affects their chances in the upcoming primaries.” Ada Mcguire • Chess Recruiter
“You gotta admire Deval Patrick’s efficiency in squeezing his entire campaign into a few short months.” Virgil Reed • Lawn Mower Operator
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theonion--2020-02-13--Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes

Tinder Swipes Right On Big Changes

The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives .
The @ @ @ @ @ App , the # 1 finance app in the app store .
Download Cash App @ @ @ @ @ Google Play Store and use the promo code TOPICAL today !
Not only will you @ @ @ @ @ App will send $ 10 to Earthjustice , a non-profit dedicated to litigating environmental issues @ @ @ @ @ Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

The popular dating app Tinder announced today that it will no longer match users exclusively with distant relatives.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-02-13--CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear

ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one ’ s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear .
“ Given the ruthless efficiency at which the coronavirus can spread , we ’ re advising all Americans that wearing a face mask over your mouth is insufficient to fully protect yourself from any particularly wily strains of the virus sneaking up behind you and catching you unaware , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Schuchat , explaining that the coronavirus was a notoriously sneaky disease and put anyone who didn ’ t adequately safeguard their back and the sides of their body at imminent risk .
“ Look , this is a disease that plays dirty , and in that respect , it ’ s much worse than SARS .
You ’ ll need to have all your wits about you if you intend to stay one step ahead of its wicked grasp .
You never know when it could creep silently behind you and infect you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the CDC recommends that in addition to wearing a face mask on the back of your head , you always sit facing the entrance of any room you ’ re in with your back to the wall .
We also strongly caution all Americans to look at any mirror they pass by in case the coronavirus is trying to trail them , and also to wear another face mask on top of your head to shield against aerial attacks.
” CDC officials also recommended singing loudly , wearing strings of bells around your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ horn in an effort to scare off any coronavirus that might be lingering nearby .

ATLANTA—As documented cases of the disease increased and more Americans wanted to take proactive measures to avoid infection, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reportedly recommended Thursday also wearing a face mask on the back of one’s head in case the coronavirus attacks from the rear. “Given the ruthless efficiency at which the coronavirus can spread, we’re advising all Americans that wearing a face mask over your mouth is insufficient to fully protect yourself from any particularly wily strains of the virus sneaking up behind you and catching you unaware,” said CDC principal deputy director Anne Schuchat, explaining that the coronavirus was a notoriously sneaky disease and put anyone who didn’t adequately safeguard their back and the sides of their body at imminent risk. “Look, this is a disease that plays dirty, and in that respect, it’s much worse than SARS. You’ll need to have all your wits about you if you intend to stay one step ahead of its wicked grasp. You never know when it could creep silently behind you and infect you from the rear, which is why the CDC recommends that in addition to wearing a face mask on the back of your head, you always sit facing the entrance of any room you’re in with your back to the wall. We also strongly caution all Americans to look at any mirror they pass by in case the coronavirus is trying to trail them, and also to wear another face mask on top of your head to shield against aerial attacks.” CDC officials also recommended singing loudly, wearing strings of bells around your neck, or frequently blowing an air horn in an effort to scare off any coronavirus that might be lingering nearby.


theonion--2020-02-13--Jimmy Carter Added To Mount Rushmore After Becoming 5th Former President To Bowl Perfect 300

KEYSTONE , SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands , the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game .
“ Today , we honor a man who has cemented his place in history by casting his likeness on our great nation ’ s largest bowling memorial , ” said National Park Service deputy director David Vela , echoing the feelings of shock and joy experienced across the nation after news broke that 95-year-old Carter had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strike in every frame .
“ It ’ s been over a century since we last added Theodore Roosevelt ’ s face to the design .
Of course , Bill Clinton was close , but he was disqualified for using bumpers .
But Jimmy Carter ’ s historic game belongs to the ages now , and only time will tell if another American leader can live up to the standard again.
” At press time , the National Park Service was making plans to erect a second obelisk near the Washington Monument after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on his gymnastics vault routine .

KEYSTONE, SD—Unveiling the updated sculpture in an official ceremony before a crowd of thousands, the National Park Service added former President Jimmy Carter to Mount Rushmore Thursday after he became the fifth former U.S. president to bowl a perfect 300 game. “Today, we honor a man who has cemented his place in history by casting his likeness on our great nation’s largest bowling memorial,” said National Park Service deputy director David Vela, echoing the feelings of shock and joy experienced across the nation after news broke that 95-year-old Carter had achieved the rare feat by bowling a strike in every frame. “It’s been over a century since we last added Theodore Roosevelt’s face to the design. Of course, Bill Clinton was close, but he was disqualified for using bumpers. But Jimmy Carter’s historic game belongs to the ages now, and only time will tell if another American leader can live up to the standard again.” At press time, the National Park Service was making plans to erect a second obelisk near the Washington Monument after President Carter reportedly scored a perfect 10.0 on his gymnastics vault routine.


theonion--2020-02-13--‘Birds Of Prey’ Renamed Following Poor Box Office Results

Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey ( And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn ) @ @ @ @ @ Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend .
@ @ @ @ @ “ They should rename it Avengers : Endgame .
That movie made a ton of @ @ @ @ @ that explains why I felt like I saw the same movie twice.
” “ The @ @ @ @ @ t say if it ’ s any good .
”

Warner Bros. renamed its DC Comics movie Birds Of Prey (And The Fantabulous Emancipation Of One Harley Quinn) to Harley Quinn: Birds Of Prey in an effort to boost ticket sales after a lower-than-projected opening weekend. What do you think?
“They should rename it Avengers: Endgame. That movie made a ton of money.” Clifford Fuller • Unemployed
“Well, that explains why I felt like I saw the same movie twice.” Cesar Bradley • Associate Barista
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theonion--2020-02-13--‘You Should Put Your Name On The Karaoke List!’ Reports Greedy, Gluttonous Hunger For Strangers’ App

‘You Should Put Your Name On The Karaoke List!’ Reports Greedy, Gluttonous Hunger For Strangers’ Approval

BURLINGTON , NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser , a new report from your greedy , gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “ you should put your name on the karaoke list !
” “ Why don ’ t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at the bar even though you don ’ t know them ?
They would love that , ” said the endless chorus of voracious voices swirling around your brain , urging you to make a little wisecrack during the song @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You should sway around and thrust your pelvis at the crowd for a little bit .
That ’ s it .
Now spin the microphone by the cord .
Wait , you ’ re losing them—hurry up and try to get everyone to clap their hands .
Next time , pick a song that really shows off your vocal range , like the one from Titantic.
” At press time , the cacophonous screams that drive your need to be accepted reportedly quieted down to whisper , murmuring that it will never happen @

BURLINGTON, NJ—Recommending you scan through the list of songs until you find a real crowd-pleaser, a new report from your greedy, gluttonous hunger for the approval of strangers announced Thursday that “you should put your name on the karaoke list!” “Why don’t you pretend to sing directly to that person sitting at the bar even though you don’t know them? They would love that,” said the endless chorus of voracious voices swirling around your brain, urging you to make a little wisecrack during the song’s 16-bar instrumental break. “You should sway around and thrust your pelvis at the crowd for a little bit. That’s it. Now spin the microphone by the cord. Wait, you’re losing them—hurry up and try to get everyone to clap their hands. Next time, pick a song that really shows off your vocal range, like the one from Titantic.” At press time, the cacophonous screams that drive your need to be accepted reportedly quieted down to whisper, murmuring that it will never happen.