theonion--2020-05-29--Archaeologists Discover Perfectly Preserved Roman Mosaic Floor

Archaeologists working near Verona , Italy have unearthed the foundation of a 3rd century Roman villa containing a pristine mosaic @ @ @ @ @ formed from bright , colorful tiles .
What do you think ?
“ How excitin @ @ @ @ @ proof that the past had colors.
” “ Archaeologists in the future are going to @ @ @ @ @ find my warped and scratched hardwood.
” “ Perhaps this discovery will help shed light @ @ @ @ @ floors .
”

Archaeologists working near Verona, Italy have unearthed the foundation of a 3rd century Roman villa containing a pristine mosaic floor filled with complex patterns formed from bright, colorful tiles. What do you think?
“How excitin g! This is definite proof that the past had colors.” Spencer Engell • Unemployed
“Archaeologists in the future are going to be really disappointed when they find my warped and scratched hardwood.” Don Garmen • Podiatry Nurse
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theonion--2020-05-29--‘I Will Not Be Censored,’ Yells Trump Chaining Himself To Phone Displaying Twitter Homepage

WASHINGTON—Screaming into a megaphone and threatening to shut down the “ biased ” social media site once and for all , President Donald Trump reportedly chained himself to a phone displaying Twitter Friday while yelling that he “ will not be censored.
” “ Try as you might , I will not remove these restraints until you take off the chains that you ’ ve shackled around my God-given freedom of free speech , ” said the 45th president of the United States who , after verbally accosting passers by , then proceeded to wrap a thick metal chain around @ @ @ @ @ @ @ between the links , and throw away the key .
“ Today , I dare Jack Dorsey to come down to Twitter HQ , walk out of my phone screen , and face me like a man .
Until then , I will place this symbolic duct tape over my mouth , eyes , and nose , and continue to hold Twitter hostage and render it unusable for the entire nation.
” At press time , Trump had reportedly urinated into several water bottles , thrown them to the side , and then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ threatening to “ burn Twitter and everyone on it to the ground .
”

WASHINGTON—Screaming into a megaphone and threatening to shut down the “biased” social media site once and for all, President Donald Trump reportedly chained himself to a phone displaying Twitter Friday while yelling that he “will not be censored.” “Try as you might, I will not remove these restraints until you take off the chains that you’ve shackled around my God-given freedom of free speech,” said the 45th president of the United States who, after verbally accosting passers by, then proceeded to wrap a thick metal chain around an iPhone, attach a metal lock between the links, and throw away the key. “Today, I dare Jack Dorsey to come down to Twitter HQ, walk out of my phone screen, and face me like a man. Until then, I will place this symbolic duct tape over my mouth, eyes, and nose, and continue to hold Twitter hostage and render it unusable for the entire nation.” At press time, Trump had reportedly urinated into several water bottles, thrown them to the side, and then lit a fire beneath his iPhone while threatening to “burn Twitter and everyone on it to the ground.”


theonion--2020-05-29--Effects Of Online Public Shaming

Effects Of Online Public Shaming

Public shaming of individuals over minor or major social transgressions has grown into a massive component of internet discourse , @ @ @ @ @ and detractors .
The Onion takes a deep dive into the effects of online public @ @ @ @ @ people who would otherwise not encounter certain memes .
Discourse between parties with opposing views @ @ @ @ @ become somewhat tense .
Encourages individuals to proactively delete their “ Halloween 2008 ” album @ @ @ @ @ to meet Anderson Cooper !
Can ’ t even pose with carcass of endangered animal @ @ @ @ @ big deal .
Turns us all into gods .

Public shaming of individuals over minor or major social transgressions has grown into a massive component of internet discourse, with its share of supporters and detractors. The Onion takes a deep dive into the effects of online public shaming.
Creates dialogue between people who would otherwise not encounter certain memes.
Discourse between parties with opposing views has for the first time become somewhat tense.
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4 00% increase in usage of Notes app.
Encourages individuals to proactively delete their “Halloween 2008” album from Facebook.
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Might get to meet Anderson Cooper!
Rampant awareness of racism, misogyny, and xenophobia.
Can’t even pose with carcass of endangered animal anymore without it being a big deal.
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M eaningless petitions now digitized.
Occasionally makes people who should feel bad feel bad.
Turns us all into gods.


theonion--2020-05-29--Adam Silver Shows Solidarity With Players By Inserting Self As Milwaukee Bucks Point Guard

NEW YORK—Promising that he would share the risk with players who were putting their health on the line to restart the NBA season , commissioner Adam Silver announced Friday that he is standing in solidarity with players by inserting himself into the Milwaukee Bucks starting five as a point guard .
“ I know some players are worried that we are rushing back , but I want them to know I ’ ll be out there on the front lines with players for about 35 minutes per game , ” said Silver , explaining that as a leader , he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ employee to risk infection by running the court , playing smothering defense , and bumping chests with teammates .
“ I need everyone from the superstars to the rookies to know I have their backs , and right now , that means putting the clamps on Kyle Lowry .
I ’ m not just paying lip service to player safety and sacrifice , I ’ m gon na walk the walk by crashing the boards and setting hard screens .
You have my full support , no matter if I ’ m dishing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Vegas oddsmakers named the Bucks title favorites after Eric Bledsoe was removed from the starting lineup .

NEW YORK—Promising that he would share the risk with players who were putting their health on the line to restart the NBA season, commissioner Adam Silver announced Friday that he is standing in solidarity with players by inserting himself into the Milwaukee Bucks starting five as a point guard. “I know some players are worried that we are rushing back, but I want them to know I’ll be out there on the front lines with players for about 35 minutes per game,” said Silver, explaining that as a leader, he should be just as willing as any employee to risk infection by running the court, playing smothering defense, and bumping chests with teammates. “I need everyone from the superstars to the rookies to know I have their backs, and right now, that means putting the clamps on Kyle Lowry. I’m not just paying lip service to player safety and sacrifice, I’m gonna walk the walk by crashing the boards and setting hard screens. You have my full support, no matter if I’m dishing no-look passes or firing off corner 3s.” At press time, Vegas oddsmakers named the Bucks title favorites after Eric Bledsoe was removed from the starting lineup.


theonion--2020-05-29--Top 10 Best Cities To Move To Today

Top 10 Best Cities To Move To Today

Flemengarr , Lorvenshenia : The capital of Lorvenshenia , Flemengarr is world-famous for its Fashion Week , drawing top designers @ @ @ @ @ With its pristine beaches , Flemengarr is also one of the most popular summer spots @ @ @ @ @ is just a stone ’ s throw from nearby major cities Myria , Hilch , @ @ @

Flemengarr, Lorvenshenia: The capital of Lorvenshenia, Flemengarr is world-famous for its Fashion Week, drawing top designers from around the world. With its pristine beaches, Flemengarr is also one of the most popular summer spots in the world, and is just a stone’s throw from nearby major cities Myria, Hilch, and Güffendeir.


theonion--2020-05-29--Woman Needs To Shut Up And Allow Man To Be Ally

BOULDER , CO—Expressing frustration that she routinely wouldn ’ t allow him to finish his point without cutting him off , local graphic designer Julian Serra told reporters Friday there were times when his coworker Ericka Lerado really needed to just shut up and let him be an ally to her .
“ Ericka is great , she really is , but she needs to learn to take a step back so she doesn ’ t keep getting in my way when I ’ m trying to support women in the workplace , ” said Serra , adding that every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ professional women had been historically marginalized , Lerado had to pipe up and give everyone her two cents on the subject .
“ Sometimes I want to shout at her , ‘ Hey , listen , I ’ m here for you !
Would you keep your goddamn mouth closed for one second so I can help you ?
’ I ’ m one of the few guys in the office who ’ s in her corner .
If she let me get a fucking word in edgewise once in a while , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it.
” At press time , a visibly enraged Serra could be seen balling up his fists after Lerado interrupted his speech about the glass ceiling .

BOULDER, CO—Expressing frustration that she routinely wouldn’t allow him to finish his point without cutting him off, local graphic designer Julian Serra told reporters Friday there were times when his coworker Ericka Lerado really needed to just shut up and let him be an ally to her. “Ericka is great, she really is, but she needs to learn to take a step back so she doesn’t keep getting in my way when I’m trying to support women in the workplace,” said Serra, adding that every time he tried to talk about how professional women had been historically marginalized, Lerado had to pipe up and give everyone her two cents on the subject. “Sometimes I want to shout at her, ‘Hey, listen, I’m here for you! Would you keep your goddamn mouth closed for one second so I can help you?’ I’m one of the few guys in the office who’s in her corner. If she let me get a fucking word in edgewise once in a while, I’d be able to prove it.” At press time, a visibly enraged Serra could be seen balling up his fists after Lerado interrupted his speech about the glass ceiling.


theonion--2020-05-29--Major Relief: Blizzard Has Announced That ‘Overwatch’ Players Will Be Able To Carry Over Their Unloc

Major Relief: Blizzard Has Announced That ‘Overwatch’ Players Will Be Able To Carry Over Their Unlocked Skins And Emotes Into The Afterlife

Fret no more , Overwatch fans .
A huge weight has just been lifted off all our shoulders : Blizzard finally announced that players of the popular team-based shooter will be able to carry over all of their unlocked skins and emotes into the afterlife .
As long as gamers have been unlocking various outfits for their favorite Overwatch heroes , it ’ s been an anxiety-inducing question whether these collectible cosmetics would remain in the earthly realm or carry over into the spirit world upon the death of their owners .
Luckily , Blizzard just cleared things up in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of your ranking or hero class , anyone with an active Overwatch account will be able to take all costumes and gestures with them as they make their passage across the underworld and into the next life .
“ Whether it ’ s a rare event skin like Reaper ’ s masquerade outfit or one of the common skins that only cost 75 credits , Blizzard will guarantee that all of your in-game unlocks transfer over into the great beyond , ” said Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick , adding that not just skins @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sprays , voice lines , victory poses , and highlight intros can be brought as well , seeing as the company ’ s servers are still fully functional in the hereafter .
“ We know how many of you shelled out for Ana ’ s Snow Owl form or the Barbarian Zarya get-up , and we want to make sure that your money doesn ’ t go down the drain the second you shed your corporeal form and trek into the great beyond.
” “ Trust me , we understand how frustrating it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Oni Genji suit and then not be able to show it off once you ’ re amongst the souls of the dead , ” he added .
For everyone that ’ s confused about how to go about carrying your favorite Junkrat emotes or Tracer voice lines with you when you transcend your physical form , Blizzard has released a helpful step-by-step instructional guide .
Basically , whenever gamers think they ’ re nearing death , they should wrap their Overwatch discs in a white shroud , bury it underground , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ laptop as an offering along with some provender and frankincense .
After that , you should be set !
Whenever you take your last breath , all your sweet content will already be waiting for you in the afterlife .
So don ’ t fear the grim specter of death , gamers !
Turns out there ’ s a lot to be excited when you finally pass beyond this earthly veil !

Fret no more, Overwatch fans. A huge weight has just been lifted off all our shoulders: Blizzard finally announced that players of the popular team-based shooter will be able to carry over all of their unlocked skins and emotes into the afterlife.
Phew, talk about a major relief.
As long as gamers have been unlocking various outfits for their favorite Overwatch heroes, it’s been an anxiety-inducing question whether these collectible cosmetics would remain in the earthly realm or carry over into the spirit world upon the death of their owners. Luckily, Blizzard just cleared things up in a big way by stating that regardless of your ranking or hero class, anyone with an active Overwatch account will be able to take all costumes and gestures with them as they make their passage across the underworld and into the next life.
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“Whether it’s a rare event skin like Reaper’s masquerade outfit or one of the common skins that only cost 75 credits, Blizzard will guarantee that all of your in-game unlocks transfer over into the great beyond,” said Blizzard CEO Bobby Kotick, adding that not just skins and emotes but also player icons, sprays, voice lines, victory poses, and highlight intros can be brought as well, seeing as the company’s servers are still fully functional in the hereafter. “We know how many of you shelled out for Ana’s Snow Owl form or the Barbarian Zarya get-up, and we want to make sure that your money doesn’t go down the drain the second you shed your corporeal form and trek into the great beyond.”
“Trust me, we understand how frustrating it would be to spend hours grinding for the Oni Genji suit and then not be able to show it off once you’re amongst the souls of the dead,” he added.
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For everyone that’s confused about how to go about carrying your favorite Junkrat emotes or Tracer voice lines with you when you transcend your physical form, Blizzard has released a helpful step-by-step instructional guide. Basically, whenever gamers think they’re nearing death, they should wrap their Overwatch discs in a white shroud, bury it underground, and then set fire to their console or laptop as an offering along with some provender and frankincense. After that, you should be set! Whenever you take your last breath, all your sweet content will already be waiting for you in the afterlife.
So don’t fear the grim specter of death, gamers! Turns out there’s a lot to be excited when you finally pass beyond this earthly veil!


theonion--2020-05-29--Covid-19 Antibody Tests May Be Wrong 50% Of The Time

The CDC announced that antibody tests meant to detect whether a person has been infected with the coronavirus may provide @ @ @ @ @ time they are administered and should not be used to make policy decisions .
What @ @ @ @ @ Getting only half of the virus information right seems consistent with the re sponse so @ @ @ @ @ need to come out with a test that ’ s either 100 % accurate or @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ve always thought we focused too much on testing in this country anyway @ @

The CDC announced that antibody tests meant to detect whether a person has been infected with the coronavirus may provide inaccurate results roughly half the time they are administered and should not be used to make policy decisions. What do you think?
“Getting only half of the virus information right seems consistent with the re sponse so far.” Mary Valen • Taxidermy Authority
“They really need to come out with a test that’s either 100% accurate or 100% inaccurate.” Ross Lemonnier • Carrot Peeler
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theonion--2020-05-29--NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That

NASA Curious How Folks Would Feel If They Hypothetically Already Launched A Manned Mars Mission That Didn’t Go So Hot

All conjecture , of course .
Plus , top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent , and @ @ @ @ @ weeks ago if people weren ’ t so hung up on being made sterile by @ @ @ @ @ The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

All conjecture, of course. Plus, top U.S. health officials announce a coronavirus vaccine is imminent, and would have actually been available weeks ago if people weren’t so hung up on being made sterile by it.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-01--Minneapolis, New York City Bus Drivers Refuse To Help Police Transport Protestors

Transit worker unions in both Minneapolis and New York City announced this weekend that they stand in solidarity with protestors @ @ @ @ @ police to use buses to carry arrested citizens to jail or drive officers to protest @ @ @ @ @ think ?
“ Take it from me , bus drivers absolutely hate it when you @ @ @ @ @ s. ” “ I just don ’ t understand why they would refuse to do @ @ @ @ @ t sign up for.
” “ Shoot , well , would the pilot union be @ @ @ @ @ jail ?
”

Transit worker unions in both Minneapolis and New York City announced this weekend that they stand in solidarity with protestors and will not allow the police to use buses to carry arrested citizens to jail or drive officers to protest locations. What do you think?
“Take it from me, bus drivers absolutely hate it when you try to commandeer the bu s.” Holly Pender • Syrup Cook
“I just don’t understand why they would refuse to do a job they didn’t sign up for.” Eduardo Camacho • Blimp Historian
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theonion--2020-06-01--Sweatshop Worker Devastated To Hear Jacket She Worked So Hard On Looted

SHENZHEN , CHINA—Upset about the theft of one of the thousands of garments she had sewn , sweatshop worker Li Chen was devastated to hear Monday that the jacket she worked so hard on was looted .
“ It breaks my heart that I slaved away for 14 cents an hour in an extremely hot and poorly ventilated factory just to have my hard work stolen from Zara , ” said Chen , explaining that it felt like she lost the tip of her finger sewing the lapel for nothing after learning that someone snatched the garment rather than paying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t work 16-hour shifts so some person can waltz into a store and take the jacket I made without paying $ 85 .
It ’ s just absolutely devastating , that stitching was a nightmare .
I should just take a pay cut to help out this poor company and everything they ’ ve been through .
I feel bad for my shift supervisor who put his heart and soul into screaming at me to work faster.
” At press time , Chen was comforted to learn that insurance covered the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just fine .

SHENZHEN, CHINA—Upset about the theft of one of the thousands of garments she had sewn, sweatshop worker Li Chen was devastated to hear Monday that the jacket she worked so hard on was looted. “It breaks my heart that I slaved away for 14 cents an hour in an extremely hot and poorly ventilated factory just to have my hard work stolen from Zara,” said Chen, explaining that it felt like she lost the tip of her finger sewing the lapel for nothing after learning that someone snatched the garment rather than paying the full retail price. “I don’t work 16-hour shifts so some person can waltz into a store and take the jacket I made without paying $85. It’s just absolutely devastating, that stitching was a nightmare. I should just take a pay cut to help out this poor company and everything they’ve been through. I feel bad for my shift supervisor who put his heart and soul into screaming at me to work faster.” At press time, Chen was comforted to learn that insurance covered the stolen item, and Zara would be just fine.


theonion--2020-06-01--‘Let Them Have Eric,’ Screams Trump While Pushing Son Through Door Of Bunker

WASHINGTON—In an effort to placate the protesters gathered outside , President Donald Trump reportedly screamed , “ Let them have @ @ @ @ @ he pushed his son through the door of a White House bunker .
“ Please @ @ @ @ @ , just leave me alone , ” said the commander in chief , shoving his @ @ @ @ @ , double-reinforced door of the White House panic room , repeatedly smashing Eric Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ wrench to loosen their grip on the frame .
“ Tear him apart , do @ @ @ @ @ .
I ’ m sorry , son , but this sacrifice is for the greater @ @ @ @ @ that the protesters remained a quarter mile away and were completely separated from the structure @ @ @ @ @ agents , Trump then threw out Don Jr. as well .

WASHINGTON—In an effort to placate the protesters gathered outside, President Donald Trump reportedly screamed, “Let them have Eric!” Monday as he pushed his son through the door of a White House bunker. “Please, you can take Eric, just leave me alone,” said the commander in chief, shoving his third-born son through the bulletproof, double-reinforced door of the White House panic room, repeatedly smashing Eric Trump’s fingers with a large wrench to loosen their grip on the frame. “Tear him apart, do whatever you want with him. I’m sorry, son, but this sacrifice is for the greater good!” After learning that the protesters remained a quarter mile away and were completely separated from the structure by hundreds of Secret Service agents, Trump then threw out Don Jr. as well.


theonion--2020-06-01--Miami Mayor Suggests Citizens May Be Able To Resume Grinding On Each Other By July 1

MIAMI—Confirming that social-distancing measures had helped curb local Covid-19 cases , Mayor Francis Suarez suggested in a press conference Monday that it was possible the people of Miami could begin grinding on one another again by the end of the month .
“ I know everyone ’ s patience is waning , but 30 additional days of self-isolation will put us in a strong position to allow rhythmic , pelvis-on-pelvis gyrations to recommence on the dance floor in time for the Fourth of July weekend , ” said Suarez , who emphasized that wearing a mask and washing one ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the fight for all Miamians to once more get freaky in public without fear of exposure to this particular disease .
“ Rest assured , we are monitoring the situation closely and look forward to the day when both residents and tourists can safely back that shit up without maintaining 6 feet of distance between their buttocks and the genitals they are attempting to rub up on .
With your cooperation , we can ensure a swift return to our august tradition of dry-humping one another to reggaeton favorites in this city ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , parks , and museums.
” The mayor added that those with temperatures exceeding 99.5 degrees would likely be allowed to resume grinding as well , but would be asked to do so from the confines of a suspended go-go cage .

MIAMI—Confirming that social-distancing measures had helped curb local Covid-19 cases, Mayor Francis Suarez suggested in a press conference Monday that it was possible the people of Miami could begin grinding on one another again by the end of the month. “I know everyone’s patience is waning, but 30 additional days of self-isolation will put us in a strong position to allow rhythmic, pelvis-on-pelvis gyrations to recommence on the dance floor in time for the Fourth of July weekend,” said Suarez, who emphasized that wearing a mask and washing one’s hands remained the best weapons in the fight for all Miamians to once more get freaky in public without fear of exposure to this particular disease. “Rest assured, we are monitoring the situation closely and look forward to the day when both residents and tourists can safely back that shit up without maintaining 6 feet of distance between their buttocks and the genitals they are attempting to rub up on. With your cooperation, we can ensure a swift return to our august tradition of dry-humping one another to reggaeton favorites in this city’s world-renowned clubs, restaurants, beaches, parks, and museums.” The mayor added that those with temperatures exceeding 99.5 degrees would likely be allowed to resume grinding as well, but would be asked to do so from the confines of a suspended go-go cage.


theonion--2020-06-01--Trump Claims U.S. Will Designate Antifa A Terrorist Organization

Though he lacks the legal authority to do so , President Trump tweeted on Sunday that he will order the @ @ @ @ @ terrorist group , a move that would face First Amendment challenges in court .
What @ @ @ @ @ Bummer for the KKK .
They ’ ve spent decades committing actual terror and can @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Oh , and I suppose you have legal authority for every declaration you @ @ @ @ @ country antifa is from is about to get wrecked !
USA !
USA !
”

Though he lacks the legal authority to do so, President Trump tweeted on Sunday that he will order the government to label antifa a terrorist group, a move that would face First Amendment challenges in court. What do you think?
“Bummer for the KKK. They’ve spent decades committing actual terror and can’t get that designation.” Rene Graham • Coin Sanitizer
“Oh, and I suppose you have legal authority for every declaration you make?” Judah Bustillos • Kite Pilot
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theonion--2020-06-01--Study Finds Majority Of Times Either Too Early Or Too Late

CAMBRIDGE , MA—Shedding new light on the nation ’ s inability to determine a suitable spot on the schedule , @ @ @ @ @ by researchers at Harvard University found that a majority of times were either too early @ @ @ @ @ After thorough research , we can state definitively that virtually all scheduled appointments or activities @ @ @ @ @ a time that is universally regarded as either excruciatingly early or , conversely , unbearably @ @ @ @ @ researcher Rory DeWitt , confirming that 8 a.m. was unacceptable because it happened too soon @ @ @ @ @ 4 p.m. was unbearable because it occurred far after a tolerable time period .
“ @ @ @ @ @ a roughly 30-minute window between 11:45 a.m. and 12:15 p.m. that can be regarded as @ @ @ @ @ a scheduled event to occur , though even that varies wildly depending on the participants @ @ @ @ @ doing the night before.
” DeWitt added that , based on the results of the @ @ @ @ @ recommend just never leaving your bedroom for any reason at all .

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Shedding new light on the nation’s inability to determine a suitable spot on the schedule, a new study published Monday by researchers at Harvard University found that a majority of times were either too early or too late. “After thorough research, we can state definitively that virtually all scheduled appointments or activities throughout the day occur at a time that is universally regarded as either excruciatingly early or, conversely, unbearably late,” said lead researcher Rory DeWitt, confirming that 8 a.m. was unacceptable because it happened too soon in the morning, whereas 4 p.m. was unbearable because it occurred far after a tolerable time period. “Basically, each day has a roughly 30-minute window between 11:45 a.m. and 12:15 p.m. that can be regarded as a generally acceptable time for a scheduled event to occur, though even that varies wildly depending on the participants involved and what they were doing the night before.” DeWitt added that, based on the results of the study, he would strongly recommend just never leaving your bedroom for any reason at all.


theonion--2020-06-01--Fed Chairman Downloads Budgeting App To Help Manage Nation’s Economy

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the accounting tool would greatly help to keep track of the county ’ s finances and lower spending @ @ @ @ @ Powell reportedly downloaded a budgeting app Monday to help manage the nation ’ s economy @ @ @ @ @ better oversee our $ 20 trillion GDP , I ’ ve signed up for a @ @ @ @ @ the app store , ” said Powell , adding that the easy budget app would @ @ @ @ @ by sending him a notification whenever the nation overspends on infrastructure or misses a debt @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m using the free version , which means there ’ s a bunch @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m willing to deal with that for the betterment of our country .
@ @ @ @ @ using it a few days , and we ’ ve already managed to save millions @ @ @ @ @ ” At press time , Powell had started cutting up all the nation ’ s @ @ @

WASHINGTON—Explaining that the accounting tool would greatly help to keep track of the county’s finances and lower spending, Federal Reserve Chairman Jerome Powell reportedly downloaded a budgeting app Monday to help manage the nation’s economy. “In order to better oversee our $20 trillion GDP, I’ve signed up for a free trial of Mint on the app store,” said Powell, adding that the easy budget app would help ensure maximum economic efficiency by sending him a notification whenever the nation overspends on infrastructure or misses a debt payment to China. “I’m using the free version, which means there’s a bunch of annoying ads, but I’m willing to deal with that for the betterment of our country. I’ve only been using it a few days, and we’ve already managed to save millions of dollars on defense spending.” At press time, Powell had started cutting up all the nation’s credit cards.


theonion--2020-06-01--7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die

7 Places You HAVE To Go After You Die

As soon as you die , you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue .
You can get @ @ @ @ @ it , but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of @ @ @ @ @ re identified .

As soon as you die, you MUST start off with a visit to the morgue. You can get an autopsy if you need it, but you can totally just sit around in a refrigerator with dozens of other corpses until you’re identified.


theonion--2020-06-01--Florida Governor Deploys National Guard To Force Residents Back Into Malls, Movie Theaters

State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back @ @ @ @ @ economy .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

State officials are taking these drastic measures after millions of Florida residents continued to ignore government instructions to get back out there and save the economy.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


CNN Turns 40

CNN launched on June 1 , 1980 , ushering the era of the 24-hour cable news cycle and significantly shifting @ @ @ @ @ Onion looks back at key moments in CNN ’ s 40-year history .
January 28 @ @ @ @ @ on Challenger launch so terrible it causes shuttle to explode .
October 16 , 1987 @ @ @ @ @ ’ s parents $ 1 million to put her back in the well and let @ @ @ @ @ , 2003 : Inks lucrative contract with George W. Bush administration to produce sequel to @ @ @ @ @ War series .
June 1 , 2008 : Fareed Zakaria shows up behind newsdesk , @ @ @ @ @ filming him , and suddenly has show for next decade .
August 14 , 2016 @ @ @ @ @ extra accountants to handle rising profits from Trump campaign coverage .

CNN launched on June 1, 1980, ushering the era of the 24-hour cable news cycle and significantly shifting the media landscape. The Onion looks back at key moments in CNN’s 40-year history.
June 1, 1980: First-ever CNN broadcast watched by half dozen bored people in airport.
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January 1, 1982: CNN2 launches to focus on classic rock news.
June 3, 1985: Producers wisely gamble on long-lasting sexual appeal of Larry King.
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January 28, 1986: Live reporting on Challenger launch so terrible it causes shuttle to explode.
October 16, 1987: Producers offer Baby Jessica’s parents $1 million to put her back in the well and let coverage continue.
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August 30, 1995: Launches first 24-hour website.
September 11, 2001: Cha-ching! Ratings gold, baby!
February 2, 2003: Inks lucrative contract with George W. Bush administration to produce sequel to its wildly successful 1991 Gulf War series.
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June 1, 2008: Fareed Zakaria shows up behind newsdesk, points to cameraman who starts filming him, and suddenly has show for next decade.
August 14, 2016: CNN forced to hire extra accountants to handle rising profits from Trump campaign coverage.


theonion--2020-06-02--Facebook Employees Stage Virtual Walkout

Angered by Mark Zuckerberg ’ s decision not to fact check or remove President Trump ’ s false and inflammatory @ @ @ @ @ employees who are currently working from home staged a virtual walkout and signed petitions urging @ @ @ @ @ .
What do you think ?
“ Finally , someone has figured out how to @ @ @ @ @ to do any walking.
” “ How are we supposed to know who to believe @ @ @ @ @ Facebook ?
” “ Oh dear , hopefully there ’ s no way for Facebook @ @ @ @ @ employees who participated .
”

Angered by Mark Zuckerberg’s decision not to fact check or remove President Trump’s false and inflammatory posts this week, Facebook employees who are currently working from home staged a virtual walkout and signed petitions urging the CEO to take action. What do you think?
“Finally, someone has figured out how to hold a walkout without having to do any walking.” Joe Hardie • Tractor Pull Announcer
“How are we supposed to know who to believe when everyone involved works at Facebook?” Dana Hatcher • Lamplighter
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theonion--2020-06-02--‘She Needs A Bible Now, Fuckwad—Yes, It’s For An Epic Clapback!’ Yells Panicked Pelosi Aide Into Pho

‘She Needs A Bible Now, Fuckwad—Yes, It’s For An Epic Clapback!’ Yells Panicked Pelosi Aide Into Phone

WASHINGTON—Following reports that Donald Trump sprayed tear gas at protestors and members of the clergy before a photo-op at St. John ’ s Church , a panicked aide to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reportedly picked up the phone Tuesday and yelled “ she needs a Bible now , fuckwad—yes , it ’ s for an epic clapback.
” “ Look , I don ’ t care how you get it , but get it now , because the clapback queen needed a photo of her in a pink pantsuit , reading a bible on Twitter , Facebook , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fucking minutes ago , ” said the hoarse , screaming aide , who then added that if she didn ’ t see a holy text within the next 10 minutes , “ your ass will never work in Washington , D.C. again.
” “ Listen , you little bitch , I don ’ t care if it ’ s the middle of a global pandemic , and I don ’ t give a shit if every bookstore is closed—this is the voice of a generation , so you will rob a fucking church @ @ @ @ @ @ @ understand ?
This is going to be a fucking epic-Trump-takedown-iconic-girlpower-slam .
Now hurry the fuck up .
Before I end you.
” At press time , the aide had slammed down the phone only to pick it up 30 seconds later and yell , “ Oh yeah , and refill the Jeni ’ s ice cream in the fridge , or I ’ ll rip off your head and feed it to her fucking dog .
”

WASHINGTON—Following reports that Donald Trump sprayed tear gas at protestors and members of the clergy before a photo-op at St. John’s Church, a panicked aide to Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi reportedly picked up the phone Tuesday and yelled “she needs a Bible now, fuckwad—yes, it’s for an epic clapback.” “Look, I don’t care how you get it, but get it now, because the clapback queen needed a photo of her in a pink pantsuit, reading a bible on Twitter, Facebook, and the front page of CNN five fucking minutes ago,” said the hoarse, screaming aide, who then added that if she didn’t see a holy text within the next 10 minutes, “your ass will never work in Washington, D.C. again.” “Listen, you little bitch, I don’t care if it’s the middle of a global pandemic, and I don’t give a shit if every bookstore is closed—this is the voice of a generation, so you will rob a fucking church if you have to, do you understand? This is going to be a fucking epic-Trump-takedown-iconic-girlpower-slam. Now hurry the fuck up. Before I end you.” At press time, the aide had slammed down the phone only to pick it up 30 seconds later and yell, “Oh yeah, and refill the Jeni’s ice cream in the fridge, or I’ll rip off your head and feed it to her fucking dog.”
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-02--Auntie Anne’s Breaks From Pack By Calling For Protesters To Be Shot

LANCASTER , PA—Taking a different approach from other major brands , which have released statements of support for peaceful nationwide demonstrations against police brutality , the popular pretzel shop chain Auntie Anne ’ s broke from the pack Tuesday by calling for all protesters to be shot .
“ We at Auntie Anne ’ s implore our nation ’ s law enforcement to open fire on individuals attempting to take one of our soft , fresh-baked pretzels without paying , ” a statement from the company read in part , before continuing on to state that anyone who looted pretzels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from one of its more than 1,500 locations would be confronted by an Auntie Anne ’ s team member with a semiautomatic firearm and a shoot-to-kill order .
“ If the authorities fail to react quickly and with overwhelming force , we will not hesitate to take matters into our own hands .
Unlike those pussies at Cinnabon , Claire ’ s , or Spencer Gifts , we refuse to stay silent and will show no mercy to criminals making off with a pump dispenser of our signature cheese dip .
Should these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of our irresistible cinnamon-and-sugar-dusted pretzel dough , they will pay the ultimate price.
” At press time , the company had released an additional statement to announce the rollout of its new “ Blueberry Lives Matter ” Sweet Pretzel .

LANCASTER, PA—Taking a different approach from other major brands, which have released statements of support for peaceful nationwide demonstrations against police brutality, the popular pretzel shop chain Auntie Anne’s broke from the pack Tuesday by calling for all protesters to be shot. “We at Auntie Anne’s implore our nation’s law enforcement to open fire on individuals attempting to take one of our soft, fresh-baked pretzels without paying,” a statement from the company read in part, before continuing on to state that anyone who looted pretzels, pretzel nuggets, or pretzel dogs from one of its more than 1,500 locations would be confronted by an Auntie Anne’s team member with a semiautomatic firearm and a shoot-to-kill order. “If the authorities fail to react quickly and with overwhelming force, we will not hesitate to take matters into our own hands. Unlike those pussies at Cinnabon, Claire’s, or Spencer Gifts, we refuse to stay silent and will show no mercy to criminals making off with a pump dispenser of our signature cheese dip. Should these vandals steal so much as a teaspoon of our irresistible cinnamon-and-sugar-dusted pretzel dough, they will pay the ultimate price.” At press time, the company had released an additional statement to announce the rollout of its new “Blueberry Lives Matter” Sweet Pretzel.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-02--Trump Throws Garbage Can Through McDonald’s Window Before Looting $2,000 In Big Macs

WASHINGTON—Shouting “ Go !
Go !
Go !
” as an alarm blared , President Donald Trump reportedly threw a @ @ @ @ @ ’ s window early Tuesday morning before looting $ 2,000 in Big Macs .
According @ @ @ @ @ seemingly oblivious to the broken glass sticking out of his arm , then proceeded to @ @ @ @ @ down the front of his shirt , grab a box of M & M McFlurry @ @ @ @ @ the window with a duffel bag ove rflowing with Big Macs and french fries , @ @ @ @ @ the restaurant to put his mouth under the soft-serve machine again .
Several eyewitness accounts @ @ @ @ @ officers arrived at the scene , Secret Service members were protecting the president as chocolate @ @ @ @ @ and numerous apple pies tumbled from his grasp to the glass-strewn concrete .
At press @ @ @ @ @ ordered Washington , D.C. to enact yet another curfew so that he could “ hit @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a list of organizations where you can donate .

WASHINGTON—Shouting “Go! Go! Go!” as an alarm blared, President Donald Trump reportedly threw a garbage can through a McDonald’s window early Tuesday morning before looting $2,000 in Big Macs. According to sources, Trump, seemingly oblivious to the broken glass sticking out of his arm, then proceeded to stuff dozens of Filet-O-Fish sandwiches down the front of his shirt, grab a box of M&M McFlurry toppings, and jump out the window with a duffel bag ove rflowing with Big Macs and french fries, all before returning back inside the restaurant to put his mouth under the soft-serve machine again. Several eyewitness accounts confirmed that when law enforcement officers arrived at the scene, Secret Service members were protecting the president as chocolate shake dripped from his pockets and numerous apple pies tumbled from his grasp to the glass-strewn concrete. At press time, Trump had reportedly ordered Washington, D.C. to enact yet another curfew so that he could “hit the Baskin-Robbins tomorrow.”
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-02--Police Didn’t Spend Millions On Awesome Tank Just To Let Protests Stay Peaceful

LOS ANGELES—In response to concerns that law enforcement officers were escalating violence in the nationwide George Floyd uprisings , Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they didn ’ t spend millions on an awesome tank just to let protests stay peaceful .
“ We got the city to drop , like , $ 10 million on this sick tank and you expect we ’ ll just let people stand there chanting ?
” said LAPD chief Michael Moore , adding there was “ no way in hell ” that the department would let something like peaceful demonstrations stop @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s “ totally tricked-out ” weapons system , armor , and ability to ram through virtually everything in its path .
“ I mean , the city wouldn ’ t buy a teacher a pencil and then tell them not to use it , right ?
This is the kind of hardware you just can ’ t let sit gathering dust—same with the grenade launchers , drones , and tear gas .
We have whole storage bays full of projectiles and we ’ re supposed to just not use them ?
Get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us all this killer stuff if we weren ’ t supposed to have a little fun.
” LAPD officials added that the city ’ s residents deserved to witness the full scope of all the badass shit their tax dollars could do .
Here ’ s a list of organizations where you can donate .

LOS ANGELES—In response to concerns that law enforcement officers were escalating violence in the nationwide George Floyd uprisings, Los Angeles Police Department officials announced Tuesday that they didn’t spend millions on an awesome tank just to let protests stay peaceful. “We got the city to drop, like, $10 million on this sick tank and you expect we’ll just let people stand there chanting?” said LAPD chief Michael Moore, adding there was “no way in hell” that the department would let something like peaceful demonstrations stop them from making use of the vehicle’s “totally tricked-out” weapons system, armor, and ability to ram through virtually everything in its path. “I mean, the city wouldn’t buy a teacher a pencil and then tell them not to use it, right? This is the kind of hardware you just can’t let sit gathering dust—same with the grenade launchers, drones, and tear gas. We have whole storage bays full of projectiles and we’re supposed to just not use them? Get real. They wouldn’t give us all this killer stuff if we weren’t supposed to have a little fun.” LAPD officials added that the city’s residents deserved to witness the full scope of all the badass shit their tax dollars could do.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-02--Roger Goodell Insists Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Wanted 17-Game Football Season In Front Of F

Roger Goodell Insists Martin Luther King Jr. Would Have Wanted 17-Game Football Season In Front Of Full Stadiums

NEW YORK—Calling on the nation to honor the sacrifices of African American civil rights leaders , NFL commissioner Roger Goodell @ @ @ @ @ King Jr. would have wanted to see a 17-game football season and stadiums open to @ @ @ @ @ the good Dr. King when I say , ‘ Playing a full 17-week football season @ @ @ @ @ the nation , ’ ” said Goodell , who claimed that the true injustice after @ @ @ @ @ subjecting the nation to the same old 16-game season without any concession sales .
“ @ @ @ @ @ from Selma , he was dreaming of a world where people of all colors would @ @ @ @ @ revenue on a full slate of live NFL games without government oppression .
He spoke @ @ @ @ @ said life ’ s most persistent and urgent question is , ‘ Are You Ready @ @ @ @ @ ” Goodell ended his speech by saying that if a class-action concussion lawsuit were to @ @ @ @ @ , then leaders like King and Malcolm X would have died in vain .

NEW YORK—Calling on the nation to honor the sacrifices of African American civil rights leaders, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell insisted Tuesday that Martin Luther King Jr. would have wanted to see a 17-game football season and stadiums open to fans. “I quote the good Dr. King when I say, ‘Playing a full 17-week football season with paying fans will heal the nation,’” said Goodell, who claimed that the true injustice after all this unrest would be subjecting the nation to the same old 16-game season without any concession sales. “When Martin Luther was marching from Selma, he was dreaming of a world where people of all colors would be free to collect ad revenue on a full slate of live NFL games without government oppression. He spoke for us all when he said life’s most persistent and urgent question is, ‘Are You Ready For Some Football?’” Goodell ended his speech by saying that if a class-action concussion lawsuit were to be allowed against the NFL, then leaders like King and Malcolm X would have died in vain.


theonion--2020-06-02--Cities Nationwide Placed Under Curfews

Cities Nationwide Placed Under Curfews

Dozens of cities from major metropolitan areas like New York and Los Angeles to smaller population centers like Davenport , @ @ @ @ @ curfew as the country enters a second week of protests against police brutality kicked off @ @ @ @ @ Floyd .
What do you think ?
Here ’ s a list of organizations where @ @ @ @

Dozens of cities from major metropolitan areas like New York and Los Angeles to smaller population centers like Davenport, Iowa have been placed under curfew as the country enters a second week of protests against police brutality kicked off by the murder of George Floyd. What do you think?
“Well, it certainly seems to be working.” Marsha Warburton, Exterminator’s Assistant
“A few weeks ago, I was completely against the state restricting freedom, but my views have evolved.” Cory Serrao, Systems Analyst
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“Why would anyone be in a city after 5 p.m. anyways? Don’t they go home?” Mack Rudell, Crochet Aficionado
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-02--9 Things Introverts Do All The Time

9 Things Introverts Do All The Time

Oh Jesus .
Oh my God .
Introverts killed Mark Ruffalo .
They fucking killed him !
They didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ far !
Now introverts are going to have to burn it all down .
Burn @ @ @ @

Oh Jesus. Oh my God. Introverts killed Mark Ruffalo. They fucking killed him! They didn’t mean to go that far! Now introverts are going to have to burn it all down. Burn it all down.


theonion--2020-06-02--Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 2, 2020

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 2, 2020

Although the last few weeks have been classic examples of “ same crap , different day , ” anomalous ripples @ @ @ @ @ allow you to experience the same crap , but on the same day over and @ @

Cancer | June 21 to July 22
Although the last few weeks have been classic examples of “same crap, different day,” anomalous ripples in the space-time continuum will allow you to experience the same crap, but on the same day over and over.


theonion--2020-06-02--Study: Dolphins Not So Intelligent On Land

Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal ’ s complex language and problem-solving ability , but according to a @ @ @ @ @ of Florida , flapping around on the ground isn ’ t much to brag about @ @ @ @ @ creatures .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts @ @ @ @

Scientists are constantly clamoring on about the mammal’s complex language and problem-solving ability, but according to a new study from the University of Florida, flapping around on the ground isn’t much to brag about for these supposedly smart marine creatures.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-03--Jay-Z Takes Out Full-Page Ad To Honor George Floyd

Jay-Z has taken out a full-page ad to run across several major newspapers this week featuring part of a speech @ @ @ @ @ Jr. and signed by families of police violence victims , activists , attorneys , and @ @ @ @ @ of George Floyd .
What do you think ?
“ Sure , what the police @ @ @ @ @ ’ m just not sure doing anything about it is the answer.
” “ Quite @ @ @ @ @ s typically easygoing relationship with the police .
”

Jay-Z has taken out a full-page ad to run across several major newspapers this week featuring part of a speech from Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. and signed by families of police violence victims, activists, attorneys, and celebrities to honor the life of George Floyd. What do you think?
“Sure, what the police did was bad. I’m just not sure doing anything about it is the answer.” Filip Basulto • Phone App Organizer
“Quite the departure from Jay-Z’s typically easygoing relationship with the police.” Lisa Emmerich • Slime Mold Farmer
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theonion--2020-06-03--‘This Face Will Be The Last Thing You See Before You Die,’ Says Trump In Healing Address To Nation

WASHINGTON—In a powerful effort to bring unity to a fractured populace , President Donald Trump delivered a healing address to citizens Wednesday that his face would be the last thing they see before they die .
“ My fellow Americans , in this time of great distress , I urge you to look at my face and understand that it will be the only thing that fills your mind in your final , loneliest hour , ” said Trump in a soaring 3-minute speech in which he echoed Robert F. Kennedy ’ s address after the assassination of Martin Luther @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nation to recall that no matter their race or creed , they will ultimately all pass away with the memory of his wrinkled , grinning visage at the forefront of their mind .
“ You will die , and the last thing you think of will be not loved ones or friends , but me , Donald J. Trump .
That ’ s because I own your thoughts .
Thank you .
God bless you , and God bless the United States of America.
” At press time , Trump reached across partisan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adding to reporters that some specific Americans would be seeing his face far sooner than others .

WASHINGTON—In a powerful effort to bring unity to a fractured populace, President Donald Trump delivered a healing address to citizens Wednesday that his face would be the last thing they see before they die. “My fellow Americans, in this time of great distress, I urge you to look at my face and understand that it will be the only thing that fills your mind in your final, loneliest hour,” said Trump in a soaring 3-minute speech in which he echoed Robert F. Kennedy’s address after the assassination of Martin Luther King Jr. by urging the deeply wounded nation to recall that no matter their race or creed, they will ultimately all pass away with the memory of his wrinkled, grinning visage at the forefront of their mind. “You will die, and the last thing you think of will be not loved ones or friends, but me, Donald J. Trump. That’s because I own your thoughts. Thank you. God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.” At press time, Trump reached across partisan lines to heal the divided nation by adding to reporters that some specific Americans would be seeing his face far sooner than others.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-03--How To Reform The Police

How To Reform The Police

Sustained protest against the U.S. police system following the killing of Black man George Floyd by a white Minneapolis officer have spotlighted the need for police reform in America , although advocates offer many different solutions .
The Onion looks at ways to reform the police in America .
Disqualify applicants who list “ use of excessive force ” under special skills section of resume .
Encourage departments to be more transparent about why exactly public will never in a million years be permitted to see any officer ’ s disciplinary records .
Train officers how to de-escalate violence caused @ @ @ @ @ @ @ police firearms with slide whistles and novelty guns that shoot white flags .
Host “ listening sessions ” within communities to kick issue down road .
Enhance community trust by having officers go door to door sharing their deepest , darkest secrets .
Assign every cop a quick-witted , fast-talking partner to keep mood light and fun .
Begin stopping citizens on street or pulling their cars over to issue apology notes .
Create a police that polices the police , then maybe a police that polices that police , and then a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and ...

Sustained protest against the U.S. police system has spotlighted the need for police reform in America, although advocates offer many different solutions. The Onion looks at ways to reform the police in America.
Disqualify applicants who list “use of excessive force” under special skills section of resume.
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Encourage departments to be more transparent about why exactly public will never in a million years be permitted to see any officer’s disciplinary records.
Train officers how to de-escalate violence caused by rest of their training.
Replace police firearms with slide whistles and novelty guns that shoot white flags.
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Host “listening sessions” within communities to kick issue down road.
$500 bonus for cops who don’t kill unarmed black people.
Enhance community trust by having officers go door to door sharing their deepest, darkest secrets.
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Assign every cop a quick-witted, fast-talking partner to keep mood light and fun.
Begin stopping citizens on street or pulling their cars over to issue apology notes.
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Create a police that polices the police, then maybe a police that polices that police, and then a police that polices the policing police, and...


theonion--2020-06-03--Primaried Steve King Glad He At Least Won’t Have To Be PC Anymore

SIOUX CITY , IA—Following his defeat in the Republican primary , nine-term House Representative Steve King was reportedly glad Wednesday @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have to be PC anymore .
“ Now that I ’ m a @ @ @ @ @ finally speak my mind without feeling like I ’ m walking on eggshells trying not @ @ @ @ @ said King , explaining it was such a burden to have speechwriters and aides toning @ @ @ @ @ “ Losing stings , but now I don ’ t have to watch my words @ @ @ @ @ an elected official , you have to be so careful about what metaphors you use @ @ @ @ @ The mainstream media loves to blow everything you say about the merits of white nationalism @ @ @ @ @ , watch out PC police , it ’ s time to meet the real Steve @ @ @ @ @ , King added that his friends in Congress would be so jealous to hear him @ @ @ @ @ wish they could .

SIOUX CITY, IA—Following his defeat in the Republican primary, nine-term House Representative Steve King was reportedly glad Wednesday that at least he wouldn’t have to be PC anymore. “Now that I’m a private citizen, I can finally speak my mind without feeling like I’m walking on eggshells trying not to offend anyone,” said King, explaining it was such a burden to have speechwriters and aides toning down every little remark. “Losing stings, but now I don’t have to watch my words all the time. As an elected official, you have to be so careful about what metaphors you use to describe black people. The mainstream media loves to blow everything you say about the merits of white nationalism out of proportion. Well, watch out PC police, it’s time to meet the real Steve King.” At press time, King added that his friends in Congress would be so jealous to hear him saying out loud what they wish they could.


theonion--2020-06-03--Police Defend Use Of Non-Lethal Rubber Tires On Protestors

NEW YORK—Responding to criticisms of law enforcement injuring demonstrators , NYPD chief Terence Monahan publicly defended his squad ’ s controversial use of non-lethal rubber tires Wednesday as a means of de-escalating ongoing protests against police brutality .
“ What you have to understand is that these tires were not designed to kill people ; instead , they have a special treaded rubber coating specifically developed to soften their impact , ” said Monahan , adding that the tires wielded by his officers were the exact same model as those used by children for swings and those featured on every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a purposefully restrained crowd-control tactic to stun people and stop them in their tracks , not cause fatal harm .
They are only deployed when an officer feels like they are in imminent danger .
Sure , in some cases , poorly aimed tires have caused internal bleeding , fractured bones , or left bruises shaped like tread marks over various body parts , but overall , this bouncy , flexible alternative is far preferable to being run over with hard metal wheels .
Believe me , if these were intended to cause @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Monahan later refused to address claims by manufacturers that rubber tires are only less lethal when aimed at the ground rather than directly at protestors .

NEW YORK—Responding to criticisms of law enforcement injuring demonstrators, NYPD chief Terence Monahan publicly defended his squad’s controversial use of non-lethal rubber tires Wednesday as a means of de-escalating ongoing protests against police brutality. “What you have to understand is that these tires were not designed to kill people; instead, they have a special treaded rubber coating specifically developed to soften their impact,” said Monahan, adding that the tires wielded by his officers were the exact same model as those used by children for swings and those featured on every car across America. “This is a purposefully restrained crowd-control tactic to stun people and stop them in their tracks, not cause fatal harm. They are only deployed when an officer feels like they are in imminent danger. Sure, in some cases, poorly aimed tires have caused internal bleeding, fractured bones, or left bruises shaped like tread marks over various body parts, but overall, this bouncy, flexible alternative is far preferable to being run over with hard metal wheels. Believe me, if these were intended to cause serious harm, you would know it.” Monahan later refused to address claims by manufacturers that rubber tires are only less lethal when aimed at the ground rather than directly at protestors.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-03--Democratic Leaders Announce That They’ve Learned The Words ‘Systemic Racism’

WASHINGTON—Democratic leaders announced Wednesday that they have learned the words “ systemic racism ” and that they were very excited to have done so .
“ We have been informed of the phrase ‘ systemic racism , ’ and , beyond that , we plan to use it in several sentences , ” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer in an impromptu press conference that also included House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and DNC Chair Tom Perez , who all echoed the fact that they have seen these two words next to each other on a sheet of paper given to them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of paper , and will proceed to repeat those words both in conversation amongst themselves and with reporters .
“ We understand that it is a phrase , and we will include this phrase in sentences we speak .
In fact , you might see us on television using this set of words very soon .
All of this is to say that today , we have discovered two new words that we are supposed to use .
That ’ s all.
” At press time , the Democratic Party had announced a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in 2020 .

WASHINGTON—Democratic leaders announced Wednesday that they have learned the words “systemic racism” and that they were very excited to have done so. “We have been informed of the phrase ‘systemic racism,’ and, beyond that, we plan to use it in several sentences,” said Minority Leader Chuck Schumer in an impromptu press conference that also included House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and DNC Chair Tom Perez, who all echoed the fact that they have seen these two words next to each other on a sheet of paper given to them by aides, have read that sheet of paper, and will proceed to repeat those words both in conversation amongst themselves and with reporters. “We understand that it is a phrase, and we will include this phrase in sentences we speak. In fact, you might see us on television using this set of words very soon. All of this is to say that today, we have discovered two new words that we are supposed to use. That’s all.” At press time, the Democratic Party had announced a bold new initiative to combat systematic rhotacism in 2020.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-03--Botanists Concerned By What Returning To Work Will Do To Nation’s House Plants

Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral @ @ @ @ @ to lash out at their owners .
Hear how you can help ease your plant @ @ @ @ @ can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher @

Many botanists across the country are worried the sudden change in routine could send house plants into an emotional spiral, and even lead some to lash out at their owners. Hear how you can help ease your plant back into normalcy.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-03--Americans Buying More Frozen Foods During Pandemic

Sales of frozen food items are up 40.2 % and freezer sales skyrocketed 195 % compared to this time a @ @ @ @ @ restaurants closed and Americans homebound .
What do you think ?
“ I ran a @ @ @ @ @ pandemic , and it ’ ll be a Hungry Ma n household after the pandemic.
@ @ @ @ @ a matter of time before Americans started indulging in unhealthy eating habits.
” “ It @ @ @ @ @ have way too many chicken pot pies than not enough .
”

Sales of frozen food items are up 40.2% and freezer sales skyrocketed 195% compared to this time a year ago as coronavirus keeps restaurants closed and Americans homebound. What do you think?
“I ran a Hungry Man household before the pandemic, and it’ll be a Hungry Ma n household after the pandemic.” Dean Blanchard • Hair Donor
“It was only a matter of time before Americans started indulging in unhealthy eating habits.” Elizabeth Kartman • Black Market Pharmacist
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theonion--2020-06-04--Snapchat To Stop Promoting Trump’s Account

Citing the decision not to amplify voices that incite racial violence and injustice , mobile messaging app Snapchat announced it @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s account on its Discover feature , which highlights content from celebrities and @ @ @ @ @ you think ?
“ Guess I ’ ll just h ave to get my Trump @ @ @ @ @ Sorry , if you ’ re still on Snapchat , you deserve garbage content .
@

Citing the decision not to amplify voices that incite racial violence and injustice, mobile messaging app Snapchat announced it will no longer promote President Trump’s account on its Discover feature, which highlights content from celebrities and news organizations. What do you think?
“Guess I’ll just h ave to get my Trump updates anywhere else.” Cliff Linde • Systems Analyst
“Sorry, if you’re still on Snapchat, you deserve garbage content.” Shannon Hutniak • Bird Stylist
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theonion--2020-06-04--The Greatest NBA Teams Of All Time

The Greatest NBA Teams Of All Time

1966-67 Philadelphia 76ers : Considered one of the greatest offensive teams of all-time , the 76ers took off after a @ @ @ @ @ shrewd tactical decision for Wilt Chamberlain to be much taller and better than everyone they @ @ @

1966-67 Philadelphia 76ers: Considered one of the greatest offensive teams of all-time, the 76ers took off after a new coaching staff made the shrewd tactical decision for Wilt Chamberlain to be much taller and better than everyone they played against.


theonion--2020-06-04--U.S. Flag Can’t Believe Fucking Wuss Cries Every Time National Anthem Plays

WASHINGTON—Confirming the 41-year-old adult begins whimpering with the first line and is practically balling his eyes out by the song ’ s end , the American flag stated Thursday it can not believe future Hall of Fame quarterback and fucking wuss Drew Brees cries with each singing of the national anthem .
“ Seriously , it ’ s so pathetic—a few bars of ‘ The Star-Spangled Banner , ’ and this full-grown man is weeping like a goddamn baby , ” said Old Glory , adding that at no point in its 243 years has it ever witnessed such an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of play .
“ Every game I ’ m up there flying above the stadium , thinking , ‘ Holy shit , dude , get ahold of yourself .
If your grandfathers could see you right now , they ’ d be so ashamed .
They didn ’ t risk their lives in the war just so you could grow up to be a giant pussy .
Have some perspective , asshole.
’ Oh , and it ’ s not just at his games , either .
Drew can be at a parade @ @ @ @ @ @ @ listening to a radio station ’ s morning sign-on , and look out , here come the fucking waterworks.
” The flag went on to report that it didn ’ t even want to talk about how emotionally frail Brees becomes during fireworks displays .

WASHINGTON—Confirming the 41-year-old adult begins whimpering with the first line and is practically balling his eyes out by the song’s end, the American flag stated Thursday it cannot believe future Hall of Fame quarterback and fucking wuss Drew Brees cries with each singing of the national anthem. “Seriously, it’s so pathetic—a few bars of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner,’ and this full-grown man is weeping like a goddamn baby,” said Old Glory, adding that at no point in its 243 years has it ever witnessed such an embarrassing and pitiful spectacle on a field of play. “Every game I’m up there flying above the stadium, thinking, ‘Holy shit, dude, get ahold of yourself. If your grandfathers could see you right now, they’d be so ashamed. They didn’t risk their lives in the war just so you could grow up to be a giant pussy. Have some perspective, asshole.’ Oh, and it’s not just at his games, either. Drew can be at a parade, watching double-A baseball, or just listening to a radio station’s morning sign-on, and look out, here come the fucking waterworks.” The flag went on to report that it didn’t even want to talk about how emotionally frail Brees becomes during fireworks displays.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-04--Republican Leaders Claim New Yorkers Will Greet U.S. Military As Liberators

WASHINGTON—In response to continued unrest in the devastated region , Republican leaders reportedly claimed Thursday that New Yorkers would greet @ @ @ @ @ liberators .
“ We have every reason to believe that the people of New York @ @ @ @ @ as saviors , ” said senator Tom Cotton ( R-AR ) , noting there is @ @ @ @ @ Yorkers will rise up in droves to fight alongside the U.S. armed forces to topple @ @ @ @ @ “ Will civilians lose their lives ?
Of course , but ultimately , I believe @ @ @ @ @ will accept those casualties as simply a means to an end in the pursuit of @ @ @ @ @ that a secure , stable , and democratic New York is within reach , but @ @ @ @ @ only be achieved through force.
” At press time , GOP leaders claimed that Operation @ @ @ @ @ after residents pulled down the Statue of Liberty .

WASHINGTON—In response to continued unrest in the devastated region, Republican leaders reportedly claimed Thursday that New Yorkers would greet the United States military as liberators. “We have every reason to believe that the people of New York will welcome the American military as saviors,” said senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), noting there is evidence to suggest that New Yorkers will rise up in droves to fight alongside the U.S. armed forces to topple the oppressive Cuomo regime. “Will civilians lose their lives? Of course, but ultimately, I believe the people of New York will accept those casualties as simply a means to an end in the pursuit of state building. We believe that a secure, stable, and democratic New York is within reach, but peace in the Northeast can only be achieved through force.” At press time, GOP leaders claimed that Operation Manhattan Freedom was a success after residents pulled down the Statue of Liberty.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-04--Drew Brees Admits He Doesn’t Trust Black People Ever Since Falcons Linebacker Stole Football Straigh

Drew Brees Admits He Doesn’t Trust Black People Ever Since Falcons Linebacker Stole Football Straight Out Of His Hands

NEW ORLEANS—In response to controversy over his previous statement that downplayed police brutality and focused on standing for the national anthem , New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees admitted Thursday that he hasn ’ t trusted black people ever since a Falcons linebacker stole a football straight out of his hands .
“ I understand that people might be angry with me , but I have to speak from my own experience , which is that in 2009 , a large black man came out of nowhere , shoved me , and stripped my football directly out of my hands @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the man who took his football was accompanied by “ at least four or five other large black men ” who were all wearing red and black , which he took to be gang colors .
“ Can you really blame me if I view black men suspiciously since that terrible day ?
I worked hard all my life to get that ball , and that large black linebacker—or maybe he was even a defensive end—ripped it out of my hands and just ran away .
Meanwhile , I got shoved to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ intervene , but the other black men around him started cheering .
Where the heck was law enforcement ?
I could ’ ve been killed .
It was just clear they have no respect for me , the grandson of World War II veterans .
Honestly , since then I ’ ve been afraid to even leave the pocket.
” Brees added that if the country was going to have a conversation about police brutality , it also needed to address the anti-white organizations that paid large black men huge sums of money @ @ @ @ @ @ @

NEW ORLEANS—In response to controversy over his previous statement that downplayed police brutality and focused on standing for the national anthem, New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees admitted Thursday that he hasn’t trusted black people ever since a Falcons linebacker stole a football straight out of his hands. “I understand that people might be angry with me, but I have to speak from my own experience, which is that in 2009, a large black man came out of nowhere, shoved me, and stripped my football directly out of my hands,” said Brees, adding that the man who took his football was accompanied by “at least four or five other large black men” who were all wearing red and black, which he took to be gang colors. “Can you really blame me if I view black men suspiciously since that terrible day? I worked hard all my life to get that ball, and that large black linebacker—or maybe he was even a defensive end—ripped it out of my hands and just ran away. Meanwhile, I got shoved to the ground and not only did no one intervene, but the other black men around him started cheering. Where the heck was law enforcement? I could’ve been killed. It was just clear they have no respect for me, the grandson of World War II veterans. Honestly, since then I’ve been afraid to even leave the pocket.” Brees added that if the country was going to have a conversation about police brutality, it also needed to address the anti-white organizations that paid large black men huge sums of money to attack innocent quarterbacks like himself.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-04--Mark Zuckerberg Announces Virtual Roundtable With American Hate Groups To Better Understand How They

Mark Zuckerberg Announces Virtual Roundtable With American Hate Groups To Better Understand How They Work

MENLO PARK , CA—Emphasizing that he intended to learn from his mistakes and listen more to others , Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Thursday that he would hold a virtual roundtable with American hate groups around the country to better understand how they work .
“ It ’ s important to stay educated about the issues during this difficult time , which is why I ’ ve invited several prominent leaders from the Aryan Brotherhood , the KKK , and the American Nazi Party to join me and educate me about the challenges they face every day , and what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Zuckerberg before apologizing for failing to invite any Grand Wizards , White Knights , or Skinheads to a discussion like in the past .
“ Hopefully , by having an open and honest dialogue with you , I—as a white man—can finally begin to understand the struggles they have faced in this hateful society for generations and elevate aryan voices .
While I still certainly have a lot to learn , hopefully by opening up my heart to these hate-fuelled , unhinged rants , I can finally help these communities @ @ @ @ @ @ @ posted a list of helpful resources he ’ d used to educate himself , designating Identity Evropa and Stormfront as “ required listening.
” Here ’ s a list of organizations where you can donate .

MENLO PARK, CA—Emphasizing that he intended to learn from his mistakes and listen more to others, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced Thursday that he would hold a virtual roundtable with American hate groups around the country to better understand how they work. “It’s important to stay educated about the issues during this difficult time, which is why I’ve invited several prominent leaders from the Aryan Brotherhood, the KKK, and the American Nazi Party to join me and educate me about the challenges they face every day, and what we at Facebook can do to help,” said Zuckerberg before apologizing for failing to invite any Grand Wizards, White Knights, or Skinheads to a discussion like in the past. “Hopefully, by having an open and honest dialogue with you, I—as a white man—can finally begin to understand the struggles they have faced in this hateful society for generations and elevate aryan voices. While I still certainly have a lot to learn, hopefully by opening up my heart to these hate-fuelled, unhinged rants, I can finally help these communities heal.” At press time, Zuckerberg posted a list of helpful resources he’d used to educate himself, designating Identity Evropa and Stormfront as “required listening.”
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-04--Mental Health Experts Recommend Bed Only Be Used For Shooting Amateur Pornography

Many Americans are guilty of working , eating , and browsing the internet in bed from time to time , @ @ @ @ @ be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking .
@ @ @ @ @ on Apple Podcasts , Spotify , Google Podcasts , and Stitcher .

Many Americans are guilty of working, eating, and browsing the internet in bed from time to time, but those bad habits could be hurting your chances of getting in a good night of DIY adult filmmaking.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.


theonion--2020-06-04--Minnesota Launches Civil Rights Probe Against Minneapolis PD

The Minnesota Department of Human Rights has filed a civil rights charge against the Minneapolis Police Department to investigate systemic @ @ @ @ @ decade , a move welcomed by local lawmakers who say police oversight has been constrained @ @ @ @ @ do you think ?
“ I ’ m con cerned that this will only lead @ @ @ @ @ states.
” “ Civil rights ?
Like the thing from the ’ 60s ?
” @ @ @ @ @ m hearing is that I can skip the protest tonight ?
”

The Minnesota Department of Human Rights has filed a civil rights charge against the Minneapolis Police Department to investigate systemic discriminatory practices over the last decade, a move welcomed by local lawmakers who say police oversight has been constrained by state law. What do you think?
“I’m con cerned that this will only lead to copycat investigations in other states.” Gil Toback • Yelp Reviewer
“Civil rights? Like the thing from the ’60s?” Alexa Newsome • Aquarium Janitor
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theonion--2020-06-05--General Mattis Condemns Trump As Threat To Constitution

Former Defense Secretary General James Mattis penned a critique of the president this week saying Donald Trump has abused his @ @ @ @ @ divide Americans rather than unite them .
What do you think ?
“ I personally @ @ @ @ @ doing an excellent job threatening the constitution.
” “ It ’ s a shame he @ @ @ @ @ do something about it.
” “ Oh , please .
Just some more liberal virtue @ @ @ @ @ general .
”

Former Defense Secretary General James Mattis penned a critique of the president this week saying Donald Trump has abused his executive authority and seeks to divide Americans rather than unite them. What do you think?
“I personally thin k our president is doing an excellent job threatening the constitution.” Jameson Snyder • Unemployed
“It’s a shame he never had the power to do something about it.” Carter Goldman • Egg Trader
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theonion--2020-06-05--Two Buffalo Police Officers Suspended After Staining Clean Sidewalk With Blood

BUFFALO , NY—After a video of the incident received national attention , Buffalo mayor Byron Brown confirmed Friday the suspension without pay of two policemen who were caught staining an otherwise spotless section of city sidewalk with blood .
“ I have seen the video and am deeply disturbed by the actions of these officers , who not only spilled a significant amount of blood on an otherwise pristine square of pavement , but then casually moved along without making the slightest attempt to clean it up , ” said Brown , adding that once a bloodstain like that had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remove completely .
“ Police Commissioner [ Byron ] Lockwood has launched an investigation into why not one officer present thought to respond with some baking soda and peroxide , a handkerchief soaked in club soda , or even just a quick surface wipe to keep the blood from seeping into the cement and leaving a permanent mark on our city .
The lack of respect shown for this piece of municipal property—which had just been power-washed last week at taxpayer expense—is frankly disgraceful .
Rest assured , these two officers will receive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ specialized mopping drills before they are reinstated.
” Brown added that his thoughts and prayers were with the city employees working to cover up the blood splotches as best they could .

BUFFALO, NY—After a video of the incident received national attention, Buffalo mayor Byron Brown confirmed Friday the suspension without pay of two policemen who were caught staining an otherwise spotless section of city sidewalk with blood. “I have seen the video and am deeply disturbed by the actions of these officers, who not only spilled a significant amount of blood on an otherwise pristine square of pavement, but then casually moved along without making the slightest attempt to clean it up,” said Brown, adding that once a bloodstain like that had set, it was practically impossible to remove completely. “Police Commissioner [Byron] Lockwood has launched an investigation into why not one officer present thought to respond with some baking soda and peroxide, a handkerchief soaked in club soda, or even just a quick surface wipe to keep the blood from seeping into the cement and leaving a permanent mark on our city. The lack of respect shown for this piece of municipal property—which had just been power-washed last week at taxpayer expense—is frankly disgraceful. Rest assured, these two officers will receive additional training in the department’s specialized mopping drills before they are reinstated.” Brown added that his thoughts and prayers were with the city employees working to cover up the blood splotches as best they could.


theonion--2020-06-05--Police Chief Vows To Take Concrete Steps To Better Cover Up Violence

LOS ANGELES—Promising swift action that would bring about much-needed change to the department , Los Angeles P olice c hief Michel Moore vowed Friday to take concrete steps to better cover up violence .
“ We ’ ve been as disturbed as anybody else that these videos are coming to light , and we ’ re taking immediate measures to make sure these recordings never happen again , ” said Moore , who noted the department would begin confiscating cell phones and allocating more resources toward targeting journalists and photographers , ensuring this unacceptable behavior would no longer be witnessed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ brutality to be filmed is a huge oversight on our part , and we pledge to do everything in our power to curb their dissemination .
All officers will be required to take a 12-hour training program teaching them to recognize , target , and neutralize cameras .
We want the community to know the Los Angeles Police are fully committed to serving and protecting our best interests.
” At press time , Moore added the LAPD was working with the mayor ’ s office to make the proper budget increases necessary to @ @ @ @ @

LOS ANGELES—Promising swift action that would bring about much-needed change to the department, Los Angeles P olice c hief Michel Moore vowed Friday to take concrete steps to better cover up violence. “We’ve been as disturbed as anybody else that these videos are coming to light, and we’re taking immediate measures to make sure these recordings never happen again,” said Moore, who noted the department would begin confiscating cell phones and allocating more resources toward targeting journalists and photographers, ensuring this unacceptable behavior would no longer be witnessed. “Allowing these incidents of police brutality to be filmed is a huge oversight on our part, and we pledge to do everything in our power to curb their dissemination. All officers will be required to take a 12-hour training program teaching them to recognize, target, and neutralize cameras. We want the community to know the Los Angeles Police are fully committed to serving and protecting our best interests.” At press time, Moore added the LAPD was working with the mayor’s office to make the proper budget increases necessary to implement the new changes.


theonion--2020-06-05--Pros And Cons Of Curfew Laws

Pros And Cons Of Curfew Laws

Cities around the country have implemented curfew laws in response to the ongoing protests over the police killing of George @ @ @ @ @ receiving support and backlash .
The Onion looks at the pros and cons of curfew @ @ @ @ @ escalate situations without needing to be creative Get to spend time in more parts of @ @ @ @ @ police on street or bridge Home in time to watch NCIS : New Orleans 7 @ @ @ @ @ be deeply concerned about fate of democracy and equal justice Makes it dangerous for people @ @ @ @ @ their jobs as paid protesters Forces protesters who don ’ t think systemic racism has @ @ @ @ @ real pickle Here ’ s a list of organizations where you can donate .

Cities around the country have implemented curfew laws in response to the ongoing protests over the police killing of George Floyd, with the measures receiving support and backlash. The Onion looks at the pros and cons of curfew laws.
PRO
Allows police to escalate situations without needing to be creative
Get to spend time in more parts of city while being trapped by police on street or bridge
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Home in time to watch NCIS: New Orleans
7 p.m. an ungodly hour to be deeply concerned about fate of democracy and equal justice
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CON
Curfews inherently give preferential treatment to morning people
Could irreparably damage the Fourth Meal industry
Makes it dangerous for people who need to get to their jobs as paid protesters
Forces protesters who don’t think systemic racism has been solved yet into a real pickle
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Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-05--Buffalo Police Request Reinforcements Until Elderly-Man Rampages Fully Contained

BUFFALO , NY—Calling the various geriatric protestors the “ greatest threat to officers thus far , ” the Buffalo Police Department requested reinforcements Friday until the frail elderly men rampaging through their city were fully contained .
“ Due to the terrifying influx of senior citizens recklessly hobbling through the streets and shamelessly blocking crosswalks , the Buffalo Police Department has no choice but to ask neighboring law enforcement agencies for immediate , emergency assistance , ” said Buffalo Police captain Jeff Rinaldo , who added that the out-of-control elderly men were made even more dangerous because of their hearing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of them to respond to verbal commands .
“ Do not be fooled .
While they may appear peaceful , these 75- , 80- , and 90-year-old men are armed with canes that could inflict serious harm , as well as walkers that could be used to bludgeon .
Sadly , until we are provided with additional tear gas , rubber bullets , and armored tanks , we can not ensure that our officers are safe.
” At press time , Rinaldo released several photos showing “ highly explosive ” oxygen tanks confiscated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a list of organizations where you can donate .

BUFFALO, NY—Calling the various geriatric protestors the “greatest threat to officers thus far,” the Buffalo Police Department requested reinforcements Friday until the frail elderly men rampaging through their city were fully contained. “Due to the terrifying influx of senior citizens recklessly hobbling through the streets and shamelessly blocking crosswalks, the Buffalo Police Department has no choice but to ask neighboring law enforcement agencies for immediate, emergency assistance,” said Buffalo Police captain Jeff Rinaldo, who added that the out-of-control elderly men were made even more dangerous because of their hearing loss, making it impossible for many of them to respond to verbal commands. “Do not be fooled. While they may appear peaceful, these 75-, 80-, and 90-year-old men are armed with canes that could inflict serious harm, as well as walkers that could be used to bludgeon. Sadly, until we are provided with additional tear gas, rubber bullets, and armored tanks, we cannot ensure that our officers are safe.” At press time, Rinaldo released several photos showing “highly explosive” oxygen tanks confiscated from elderly men that morning.
Here’s a list of organizations where you can donate.


theonion--2020-06-05--Oakland Athletics Stadium Immediately Converted Into Condos After Team Misses Rent Payment

OAKLAND , CA—As the moving trucks of new residents arrived outside the former Oakland Coliseum over the objections of team officials , the Oakland Athletics stadium was immediately converted into condos Friday after the team missed a rent payment .
“ We warned the Athletics organization that if they were delinquent on rent that this would happen , and with the housing market being what it is , we think the new 200-unit Oakland Condominiums is a better long-term investment anyway , ” said Scott Haggerty , the supervisor of the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum Authority , adding that it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stop paying rent and the county had to make money on the property somehow .
“ With studios starting at $ 2,800 per month in the former concourse and plenty of green space in the converted outfield , the Oakland Condominiums are a great investment for young professionals and San Francisco tech workers looking for a more eclectic living experience .
We even have two units of affordable housing to satisfy city requirements in what used to be the stadium ’ s bathrooms .
It has skylights , all-new appliances , and the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ where our open-plan kitchens now stand .
We ’ re actually grateful to the Athletics that they decided to withhold rent , because this is much better for us.
” City authorities also informed the Athletics that their old baseball equipment that was illegally left at the facility had been seized and transferred to the Guadalupe Landfill in San Jose .

OAKLAND, CA—As the moving trucks of new residents arrived outside the former Oakland Coliseum over the objections of team officials, the Oakland Athletics stadium was immediately converted into condos Friday after the team missed a rent payment. “We warned the Athletics organization that if they were delinquent on rent that this would happen, and with the housing market being what it is, we think the new 200-unit Oakland Condominiums is a better long-term investment anyway,” said Scott Haggerty, the supervisor of the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum Authority, adding that it was the baseball team’s choice to stop paying rent and the county had to make money on the property somehow. “With studios starting at $2,800 per month in the former concourse and plenty of green space in the converted outfield, the Oakland Condominiums are a great investment for young professionals and San Francisco tech workers looking for a more eclectic living experience. We even have two units of affordable housing to satisfy city requirements in what used to be the stadium’s bathrooms. It has skylights, all-new appliances, and the history of decades of baseball played right where our open-plan kitchens now stand. We’re actually grateful to the Athletics that they decided to withhold rent, because this is much better for us.” City authorities also informed the Athletics that their old baseball equipment that was illegally left at the facility had been seized and transferred to the Guadalupe Landfill in San Jose.


theonion--2020-06-05--Letdown: Naughty Dog Says They Worked So Hard On ‘The Last Of Us II’s Amazing Cutscenes, They Only H

Letdown: Naughty Dog Says They Worked So Hard On ‘The Last Of Us II’s Amazing Cutscenes, They Only Had Time To Create A Basic Word Puzzler For Gameplay

Well , gamers , this is a bit of a bummer .
While past trailers for The Last of Us Part II made it look like it would be a genre-defining interactive experience that expanded on everything that made the original great , Naughty Dog revealed today that they spent so much time crafting the game ’ s incredible plot and cinematics that the actual gameplay will just consist of a simple word puzzle mini-game .
We ’ ll admit it : This is a legitimate letdown .
“ Unfortunately , we spent the past five years so intent on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s storytelling that we spent our entire budget on motion capture and just forgot to include any interactivity until about three days ago , ” said director Neil Druckmann , who told OGN he had spent the past 72 stress-inducing hours rushing to code a word puzzle game as a stand-in for any gaming element .
“ It ’ s kind of a blend of crossword puzzles and sudoku .
There ’ s a point system and our graphics guy threw together a nice icon to show Joel ’ s face , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time for.
” “ Look , we ’ re really sorry about this , ” he continued .
In our short hands-on with the game , we got to see a gut-wrenching confessional scene where Ellie opens up to a potential romantic interest about the devastating experience of surviving in a ruined world , before abruptly taking a dog-eared collection of word games from her back pocket and saying , “ Hey , these are fun .
Let ’ s play.
” From there , we were launched into the gameplay , where @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and we were prompted to fill out a grid with a short hint about words like “ smallest state in the union ” or “ fungus that destroed world [ sic ] .
” Frankly , we wish we had better news , readers , but this was not the polished release we were looking for .
“ Between the 15 puzzles and some special themes like ‘ Underwater Exploration ’ or ‘ Classic Tinseltown Stars , ’ we have some decent variety in there , ” explained Druckmann , before admitting that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expecting an edge-of-your-seat adventure that featured Ellie fighting her way through a post-apocalyptic America .
“ The game ’ s dictionary is pretty limited , unfortunately , because we just didn ’ t budget any time or manpower to honing this experience .
So , a lot of answers won ’ t register as real words even though they are.
” “ Now , we managed to throw a lot of references to word searches into the cutscenes , which certainly helps explain why the characters keep playing this weird little crossword game @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disappointed , ” he said .
So yeah , gamers .
This might not be the awesome survival-horror game we were eagerly awaiting all these years , but after watching so many amazing cutscenes , we ’ re still holding out hope The Last of Us Part II will top plenty of Game Of The Year lists , including ours !

Well, gamers, this is a bit of a bummer. While past trailers for The Last of Us Part II made it look like it would be a genre-defining interactive experience that expanded on everything that made the original great, Naughty Dog revealed today that they spent so much time crafting the game’s incredible plot and cinematics that the actual gameplay will just consist of a simple word puzzle mini-game.
We’ll admit it: This is a legitimate letdown.
“Unfortunately, we spent the past five years so intent on topping the original Last Of Us’s storytelling that we spent our entire budget on motion capture and just forgot to include any interactivity until about three days ago,” said director Neil Druckmann, who told OGN he had spent the past 72 stress-inducing hours rushing to code a word puzzle game as a stand-in for any gaming element. “It’s kind of a blend of crossword puzzles and sudoku. There’s a point system and our graphics guy threw together a nice icon to show Joel’s face, but that’s about all we had time for.”
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“Look, we’re really sorry about this,” he continued.
In our short hands-on with the game, we got to see a gut-wrenching confessional scene where Ellie opens up to a potential romantic interest about the devastating experience of surviving in a ruined world, before abruptly taking a dog-eared collection of word games from her back pocket and saying, “Hey, these are fun. Let’s play.” From there, we were launched into the gameplay, where Ellie’s static avatar glided onscreen and we were prompted to fill out a grid with a short hint about words like “smallest state in the union” or “fungus that destroed world [sic].”
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Frankly, we wish we had better news, readers, but this was not the polished release we were looking for.
“Between the 15 puzzles and some special themes like ‘Underwater Exploration’ or ‘Classic Tinseltown Stars,’ we have some decent variety in there,” explained Druckmann, before admitting that the experience would still likely underwhelm anyone expecting an edge-of-your-seat adventure that featured Ellie fighting her way through a post-apocalyptic America. “The game’s dictionary is pretty limited, unfortunately, because we just didn’t budget any time or manpower to honing this experience. So, a lot of answers won’t register as real words even though they are.”
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“Now, we managed to throw a lot of references to word searches into the cutscenes, which certainly helps explain why the characters keep playing this weird little crossword game, but I understand if anyone is disappointed,” he said.
So yeah, gamers. This might not be the awesome survival-horror game we were eagerly awaiting all these years, but after watching so many amazing cutscenes, we’re still holding out hope The Last of Us Part II will top plenty of Game Of The Year lists, including ours!


theonion--2020-06-05--Family Left Elderly Grandmother To Die In Nursing Home But Not Like This

MURFREESBORO , TN—Shocked to learn the grandmother of seven had died suddenly of Covid-19 , a local family told reporters Friday they had left their elderly relative Beverly Foley to die in a nursing home , but not like this .
“ When we checked Nana into Woodpoint Crest , we figured we ’ d leave her there and forget about her until she died , obviously—we just never thought this would be the way it happened , ” said grandson Greg Foley , explaining that the entire family operated under the assumption that the 82-year-old ’ s inevitable death @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nature took its course and not as the result of a rapidly spreading infectious disease .
“ Even though I had definitely imagined her passing away in that very bed and in that very room , I had always thought it would be different .
To think that instead of succumbing slowly to the infirmities of old age and dying alone , she succumbed quickly to Covid and died alone ... it ’ s just too much .
I thought I ’ d at least see her one more time , next year @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , relatives reported feeling heartbroken that they were legally not allowed to attend the funeral that most of them would have skipped .

MURFREESBORO, TN—Shocked to learn the grandmother of seven had died suddenly of Covid-19, a local family told reporters Friday they had left their elderly relative Beverly Foley to die in a nursing home, but not like this. “When we checked Nana into Woodpoint Crest, we figured we’d leave her there and forget about her until she died, obviously—we just never thought this would be the way it happened,” said grandson Greg Foley, explaining that the entire family operated under the assumption that the 82-year-old’s inevitable death at the assisted-living facility would occur as nature took its course and not as the result of a rapidly spreading infectious disease. “Even though I had definitely imagined her passing away in that very bed and in that very room, I had always thought it would be different. To think that instead of succumbing slowly to the infirmities of old age and dying alone, she succumbed quickly to Covid and died alone...it’s just too much. I thought I’d at least see her one more time, next year, on her birthday.” At press time, relatives reported feeling heartbroken that they were legally not allowed to attend the funeral that most of them would have skipped.


theonion--2020-06-05--Health Experts Warn Protests Could Set Off Second Wave Of Police Brutality

Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that @ @ @ @ @ s healthcare system to its limits .
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts @ @ @ @ @ , and Stitcher .

Top U.S. health officials are worried the massive in-person demonstrations could be a fertile breeding ground for excessive force that may stretch the nation’s healthcare system to its limits.
You can find The Topical on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, and Stitcher.