humortimes--2020-06-17--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Teletubby William Barr, U.S. Attorney General

From under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
You bet it is .
Today on the show my guest is Teletubby William Barr , U.S. Attorney General .
I ’ m Tinky Winky , the purple Teletubby .
I ’ m the biggest of the four .
I dine on McDonald ’ s Triple Cheeseburgers with my friend Donald Trump .
We call him Noo-Noo , because he is orange .
You ’ ve been accused of being the president ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s attorney for which you were chosen .
I believe myself and Donald Trump have authority over the executive branch .
We are overturning the constitution one law at a time .
In fact , Trump is going to deport all illegal aliens before the next election .
Well .
I live in constant fear that he will deport Jeb Bush ’ s mother in law who lives at 824 Mulberry Street in Miami .
She gets home at 6 .
What ’ s the difference between a tick and you ?
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Let ’ s go over your rap sheet .
In 1982 when you worked for President Reagan , you omitted findings from your own summary document encouraging the FBI to enter foreign soil without permission to apprehend fugitives .
In 1992 , you authorized the report The Case For More Incarceration .
Looks like you ’ ve had quit a few slices , fella .
Is that it ?
In May 2020 , you tried to get the Justice Department to drop charges against ex-Trump advisor Michael Flynn despite an earlier guilty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ making false statements to the FBI .
Where does Michael Flynn do his grocery shopping ?
Why so many questions ?
I ’ m writing a book .
How about June 2 when you gave orders for the authorities to clear peaceful demonstrators forcibly , so the Trumpster could have a photo-op at St. John ’ s Episcopal Church in DC.
?
The police believed protesters were gathering rocks to throw at law enforcement .
I ’ m always disappointed when a liar ’ s pants don ’ t actually catch fire .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ me fat like scales , mirrors and photographs .
I would like to go on a diet , but I ’ m afraid my brain will get thinner and I ’ ll become even more narrow-minded .
I dropped the idea .
I understand you have a hobby of playing bagpipes .
Let me correct you .
I am the bagpipe .
I thought you were going to say something else .
Full of shit ?
Definitely yes !
Right now , I ’ m focused on getting Trump re-elected in 2020 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ mail in ballots , so less people can vote .
Could use help from Russia .
Little things like that .
It ’ s not honesty that shapes me , it ’ s my fridge .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews “Teletubby” William Barr, Attorney General.
ANNOUNCER
From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? You bet it is. Today on the show my guest is Teletubby William Barr, U.S. Attorney General.
WILLIAM BARR
I’m Tinky Winky, the purple Teletubby. I’m the biggest of the four. I dine on McDonald’s Triple Cheeseburgers with my friend Donald Trump. We call him Noo-Noo, because he is orange.
JERRY
You’ve been accused of being the president’s attorney, not the people’s attorney for which you were chosen.
BARR
I believe myself and Donald Trump have authority over the executive branch. We are overturning the constitution one law at a time. In fact, Trump is going to deport all illegal aliens before the next election.
JERRY
No exceptions?
BARR
Well. I live in constant fear that he will deport Jeb Bush’s mother in law who lives at 824 Mulberry Street in Miami. She gets home at 6.
JERRY
What’s the difference between a tick and you?
BARR
I have no idea.
JERRY
The tick falls off when you are dead. Let’s go over your rap sheet. In 1982 when you worked for President Reagan, you omitted findings from your own summary document encouraging the FBI to enter foreign soil without permission to apprehend fugitives.
BARR
I don’t recall.
JERRY
In 1992, you authorized the report The Case For More Incarceration.
BARR
Let them eat cake!
JERRY
Looks like you’ve had quit a few slices, fella.
BARR
Is that it?
JERRY
In May 2020, you tried to get the Justice Department to drop charges against ex-Trump advisor Michael Flynn despite an earlier guilty plea for “willfully and knowingly” making false statements to the FBI.
BARR
He wasn’t aware Russian Ambassador Kislyak knew Vladimir Putin. An innocent mistake.
JERRY
Where does Michael Flynn do his grocery shopping?
BARR
No clue.
JERRY
Traitor Joe’s.
BARR
Why so many questions?
JERRY
I’m writing a book. How about June 2 when you gave orders for the authorities to clear peaceful demonstrators forcibly, so the Trumpster could have a photo-op at St. John’s Episcopal Church in DC.?
BARR
The police believed protesters were gathering rocks to throw at law enforcement.
JERRY
I’m always disappointed when a liar’s pants don’t actually catch fire.
JERRY
Man, you have a big stomach.
BARR
I try to avoid things that make me fat like scales, mirrors and photographs. I would like to go on a diet, but I’m afraid my brain will get thinner and I’ll become even more narrow-minded. I dropped the idea.
JERRY
I understand you have a hobby of playing bagpipes.
BARR
Let me correct you. I am the bagpipe.
JERRY
Full of hot air.
BARR
I thought you were going to say something else.
JERRY
Full of shit? Definitely yes!
BARR
Right now, I’m focused on getting Trump re-elected in 2020. We want to put a halt to mail in ballots, so less people can vote. Could use help from Russia. Little things like that.
JERRY
It’s called cheating.
BARR
It’s not honesty that shapes me, it’s my fridge.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


Adventures in Trumpland

Various fictional literary characters describe their visit to Trumpland .
Christ , I thought my visit down the rabbit hole was nuts but Wonderland ’ s got nothing on Trumpland .
Yeah , maybe I had to deal with a hot-tempered Red Queen but she ’ s a pussycat compared to that Orange King in Trumpland .
He ’ s even madder than the Mad Hatter .
Thinking back , it was probably crazy for me to drink that potion that shrunk me to miniature size or to eat that cake that made me nine-feet tall .
But at least @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like that Orange King who tried to get me to ingest bleach , use high-intensity UV light internally and take something called hydroxychloroquine .
I thought that tea party I had in Wonderland with the Mad Hatter , the March Hare and the Dormouse was about as crazy as it gets .
But then I ended up in a Cabinet Meeting in Trumpland with the Orange King .
It made even less sense than the tea party as his daughter and son-in-law spoke all manner of nonsense and characters like the White Pence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rudy spent the whole time praising the King .
The Red Queen ’ s croquet party was unlike anything I ’ d ever seen until I ended up at a giant rally led by the Orange King .
Whereas she repeatedly called out “ Off with her head !
” he continually shouts “ Lock her up !
Lock her up !
” I don ’ t know which was worse , her temper tantrums or his never-ending insults and lies .
The Cat in the Hat I sure did have fun with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was out , that afforded me all manner of opportunities to play tricks on the youngsters .
Trying to balance a bunch of things that fell to the ground was great fun but essentially harmless .
But that wasn ’ t the case in Trumpland .
I discovered that I was an amateur trickster compared to the man I met there called the Donald .
While I introduced my young friends to Thing One and Thing Two , the Donald seemed to have an unlimited series of companions who could cause giant messes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of .
It seems that the messes made in Trumpland have no consequences .
There is no mother to discipline the culprits , especially the Donald , and there seems no end to the giant messes he can create .
The Donald even bragged : “ This mess is so big and so deep and so tall , we ’ ll just have to call it the Mexican Wall.
” I thought I was a mischievous type but I couldn ’ t compete with the Donald .
Frankly , I was glad to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make it home in one piece .
I can remember when I first heard about Catch-22 .
Once the insanity of it had been explained to me , all I could say was : “ That ’ s some catch , that Catch-22.
” But it had nothing on the Donald .
World War II was crazy , that ’ s for sure , but Trumpland was even crazier .
That guy , the Donald , lies so much he makes Milo Minderbinder sound like a priest .
And he wouldn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the following week ; he ’ d lie and say the exact opposite in the next breath .
I think of all the insane things I saw in the war and figured I ’ d never , ever see anything that crazy again but I was wrong .
The Donald said he won when his opponent had three million more votes than him .
He looked at an Inauguration crowd and declared it the biggest in history and twice as big as the previous one although pictures showed it was not even half @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it but I ’ d rather fly another fifty missions than return to Trumpland .
When I found out about the Matrix , I thought that was the wackiest thing ever .
But , believe me , there ’ s worse .
If you take The Donald ’ s white anti-malaria pill , all of a sudden you ’ re in this bizarre world called Trumpland where up is down , down is up and Donald Trump is President .
All I can say is that I wish I could have gone back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

Various fictional literary characters describe their visit to Trumpland.
Alice
Christ, I thought my visit down the rabbit hole was nuts but Wonderland’s got nothing on Trumpland. Yeah, maybe I had to deal with a hot-tempered Red Queen but she’s a pussycat compared to that Orange King in Trumpland. He’s even madder than the Mad Hatter.
Thinking back, it was probably crazy for me to drink that potion that shrunk me to miniature size or to eat that cake that made me nine-feet tall. But at least I didn’t risk my life like that Orange King who tried to get me to ingest bleach, use high-intensity UV light internally and take something called hydroxychloroquine.
I thought that tea party I had in Wonderland with the Mad Hatter, the March Hare and the Dormouse was about as crazy as it gets. But then I ended up in a Cabinet Meeting in Trumpland with the Orange King. It made even less sense than the tea party as his daughter and son-in-law spoke all manner of nonsense and characters like the White Pence, the Pompous Pompeo and the Ruby Rudy spent the whole time praising the King.
The Red Queen’s croquet party was unlike anything I’d ever seen until I ended up at a giant rally led by the Orange King. Whereas she repeatedly called out “Off with her head!” he continually shouts “Lock her up! Lock her up!” I don’t know which was worse, her temper tantrums or his never-ending insults and lies.
The Cat in the Hat
I sure did have fun with Sally and Sam. Since their mother was out, that afforded me all manner of opportunities to play tricks on the youngsters. Trying to balance a bunch of things that fell to the ground was great fun but essentially harmless.
But that wasn’t the case in Trumpland. I discovered that I was an amateur trickster compared to the man I met there called the Donald. While I introduced my young friends to Thing One and Thing Two, the Donald seemed to have an unlimited series of companions who could cause giant messes Things One and Two could only dream of.
It seems that the messes made in Trumpland have no consequences. There is no mother to discipline the culprits, especially the Donald, and there seems no end to the giant messes he can create.
The Donald even bragged: “This mess is so big and so deep and so tall, we’ll just have to call it the Mexican Wall.” I thought I was a mischievous type but I couldn’t compete with the Donald. Frankly, I was glad to escape from his big white house and make it home in one piece.
Yossarian
I can remember when I first heard about Catch-22. Once the insanity of it had been explained to me, all I could say was: “That’s some catch, that Catch-22.” But it had nothing on the Donald.
World War II was crazy, that’s for sure, but Trumpland was even crazier. That guy, the Donald, lies so much he makes Milo Minderbinder sound like a priest. And he wouldn’t just lie and then say something different the following week; he’d lie and say the exact opposite in the next breath.
I think of all the insane things I saw in the war and figured I’d never, ever see anything that crazy again but I was wrong. The Donald said he won when his opponent had three million more votes than him. He looked at an Inauguration crowd and declared it the biggest in history and twice as big as the previous one although pictures showed it was not even half the size.
I hate to say it but I’d rather fly another fifty missions than return to Trumpland.
Neo
When I found out about the Matrix, I thought that was the wackiest thing ever. But, believe me, there’s worse. If you take The Donald’s white anti-malaria pill, all of a sudden you’re in this bizarre world called Trumpland where up is down, down is up and Donald Trump is President. All I can say is that I wish I could have gone back in time and taken that blue pill.


humortimes--2020-06-17--COVID-19 Is Prompting a Societywide Recalculation

An unexpected and profound impact of today ’ s horrific coronavirus crisis is that it is quietly prompting a societywide recalibration .
Laissez-faire ideologue Ronald Reagan used to delight in mocking the very idea that government should provide health protection , food aid , income support or other public assistance to people in need .
The Gipper derided “ big government ” as both a hopeless bungler and an insatiable beast that devours individual freedom , quipping that , “ The nine most terrifying words in the English language are : I ’ m from the Government , and I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ line was a sure-fire crowd pleaser , winning applause and guffaws from those who bought into his demagogic warnings about “ creeping socialism.
” However , then came COVID-19 , and those guffawing at stale jokes about big , bad government have suddenly been drowned out by anxious and angry cries bursting out of practically every ZIP code in our land : “ Where the hell is our government ?
!
” It turns out that the right-wing ’ s socialist boogeyman is far less terrifying , even to right-wingers , than the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it .
An unexpected and profound impact of today ’ s horrific coronavirus crisis is that it is quietly prompting a societywide recalibration of the rocky road our nation ’ s power elites have put us on .
Here we are — a fantastically rich , ostensibly democratic country filled with masses of smart , creative people who , together , have unlimited potential .
Yet , our leaders are so small-minded , incompetent , out of touch and uncaring that they were wholly unprepared for and discombobulated by an inert infectious agent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could spawn a disastrous pandemic .
Mass death and wholesale economic collapse have a way of focusing public attention , not only prompting anger but also leading people to rethink assumptions and start questioning the morality and efficacy of the system itself .
Those in charge can not simply gloss over the societal breakdown they ’ re presiding over , engaging in political blame shifting and butt-covering tweets .
Nor can the obvious failure of today ’ s plutocratic policies ( social , economic and political ) be covered up by ideological assurances @ @ @ @ @ @ @ restore normalcy .
Indeed , it ’ s the flagrant ineptitude and inequality of business-as-usual “ normal ” that people are questioning !
For about a decade now , America ’ s zeitgeist has steadily been shifting away from resigned acceptance of the anti-democratic corporate order , and now comes the abject failure of that system to cope with ( and , initially , even address ) the deadly pandemic .
The aloof arrogance of the system ’ s profiteers has jolted open the minds of a huge swath of the general public @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t matter.
” Need respirators ?
Compete against each other to pay the highest market price .
That ’ s how America works , says the present president of the United States .
But the times , they are a-changing .
Start with public perception of the social safety net , which has long been belittled by anti-government ideologues as an extravagant giveaway of tax-funded benefits to undeserving layabouts .
But now , people who never before needed food stamps , Medicaid , unemployment checks , etc.
, are finding themselves in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the “ extravagance ” of the system and learning that these programs are an essential investment in the common good .
The concept of dependency has also been liberated from the right-wing canard that diabolical government programs victimize participants , hooking them on “ free things ” and stealing their self-reliance and moral strength .
Instead , the contagion has revealed that we ’ re a species of completely interdependent beings — all of us dependent on a collectivist ethos that at the very least ( 1 ) strives to keep everyone whom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( 2 ) recognizes that , on any given day , the most valuable people in society are not haughty CEOs or billionaire Wall Street financiers but low-paid grocery clerks , EMS responders , food bank staffers , home health aides , delivery workers , immigrant laborers and others on society ’ s front lines .
When you can ’ t breathe or you run out of food for your family , you don ’ t call your broker .
And consider the meaning of big , as in “ big government.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from the contemptuous corporate connotation of an oozing bureaucratic blob to a meritorious adjective signifying “ big enough to do the job at hand.
” Yes , governments at all levels frequently do grow too big , too intrusive and abusive .
This spring , though , we found out what too small looks like .
Constant cutbacks in public resources ; the rigid , small-minded mentality ; and the corporate establishment ’ s determination to keep the status quo have needlessly boxed us into this full-blown coronavirus catastrophe .
Those same forces @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on Washington ’ s inadequate initial steps to stem the people ’ s economic and health crises — even though the clear and present need is to think bigger , be bolder and do more .

An unexpected and profound impact of today’s horrific coronavirus crisis is that it is quietly prompting a societywide recalibration.
Laissez-faire ideologue Ronald Reagan used to delight in mocking the very idea that government should provide health protection, food aid, income support or other public assistance to people in need. The Gipper derided “big government” as both a hopeless bungler and an insatiable beast that devours individual freedom, quipping that, “The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the Government, and I’m here to help.” The line was a sure-fire crowd pleaser, winning applause and guffaws from those who bought into his demagogic warnings about “creeping socialism.”
However, then came COVID-19, and those guffawing at stale jokes about big, bad government have suddenly been drowned out by anxious and angry cries bursting out of practically every ZIP code in our land: “Where the hell is our government?!” It turns out that the right-wing’s socialist boogeyman is far less terrifying, even to right-wingers, than the absence of actual socialism when you need it.
An unexpected and profound impact of today’s horrific coronavirus crisis is that it is quietly prompting a societywide recalibration of the rocky road our nation’s power elites have put us on. Here we are — a fantastically rich, ostensibly democratic country filled with masses of smart, creative people who, together, have unlimited potential. Yet, our leaders are so small-minded, incompetent, out of touch and uncaring that they were wholly unprepared for and discombobulated by an inert infectious agent that scientists had specifically warned months ago could spawn a disastrous pandemic.
Mass death and wholesale economic collapse have a way of focusing public attention, not only prompting anger but also leading people to rethink assumptions and start questioning the morality and efficacy of the system itself. Those in charge cannot simply gloss over the societal breakdown they’re presiding over, engaging in political blame shifting and butt-covering tweets. Nor can the obvious failure of today’s plutocratic policies (social, economic and political) be covered up by ideological assurances that the old free-market magic will soon restore normalcy. Indeed, it’s the flagrant ineptitude and inequality of business-as-usual “normal” that people are questioning!
For about a decade now, America’s zeitgeist has steadily been shifting away from resigned acceptance of the anti-democratic corporate order, and now comes the abject failure of that system to cope with (and, initially, even address) the deadly pandemic. The aloof arrogance of the system’s profiteers has jolted open the minds of a huge swath of the general public to the reality that “We don’t matter.” Need respirators? Compete against each other to pay the highest market price. That’s how America works, says the present president of the United States. But the times, they are a-changing.
Start with public perception of the social safety net, which has long been belittled by anti-government ideologues as an extravagant giveaway of tax-funded benefits to undeserving layabouts. But now, people who never before needed food stamps, Medicaid, unemployment checks, etc., are finding themselves in need and in line, personally experiencing the “extravagance” of the system and learning that these programs are an essential investment in the common good.
The concept of dependency has also been liberated from the right-wing canard that diabolical government programs victimize participants, hooking them on “free things” and stealing their self-reliance and moral strength. Instead, the contagion has revealed that we’re a species of completely interdependent beings — all of us dependent on a collectivist ethos that at the very least (1) strives to keep everyone whom each of us might encounter disease-free and (2) recognizes that, on any given day, the most valuable people in society are not haughty CEOs or billionaire Wall Street financiers but low-paid grocery clerks, EMS responders, food bank staffers, home health aides, delivery workers, immigrant laborers and others on society’s front lines. When you can’t breathe or you run out of food for your family, you don’t call your broker.
And consider the meaning of big, as in “big government.” Practically overnight, it has been elevated from the contemptuous corporate connotation of an oozing bureaucratic blob to a meritorious adjective signifying “big enough to do the job at hand.” Yes, governments at all levels frequently do grow too big, too intrusive and abusive. This spring, though, we found out what too small looks like.
Constant cutbacks in public resources; the rigid, small-minded mentality; and the corporate establishment’s determination to keep the status quo have needlessly boxed us into this full-blown coronavirus catastrophe. Those same forces of policy meekness are already pulling back on Washington’s inadequate initial steps to stem the people’s economic and health crises — even though the clear and present need is to think bigger, be bolder and do more.


humortimes--2020-06-18--Russian Coronavirus Cases Drop after Putin Wrestles Virus

Daily new cases down to zero after President Putin defeated the Russian coronavirus in a judo match .
New cases of the Russian coronavirus have fallen to zero following President Vladimir Putin ’ s victory over the virus in a judo match .
According to our sources , as Russia ’ s confirmed cases exceeded half a million , President Putin , a known judo practitioner , popped off his suit , popped on his judogi , and challenged the coronavirus to a match , saying only , “ Let ’ s dance.
” Russians have embraced the news , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enthusiasm and support .
One Moscow resident we interviewed was overjoyed : “ Seeing our president judo-chop a respiratory illness filled my heart with pride.
” As she wiped her tears , she added , “ I can touch my face again !
Thanks to Putin , I can touch my face again !
” Putin ’ s actions have garnered attention from the international medical community .
Researchers around the world have begun looking at judo as an effective treatment against the coronavirus .
“ We knew the virus was an expert @ @ @ @ @ @ @ British epidemiologist commented .
“ Now that we know it lacks expertise in judo , however , we are the most hopeful we ’ ve been in months.
” In the United States , President Trump has praised Putin ’ s victory and announced the creation of the United States Judo Agency within the Department of Health and Human Services .
To head the new agency , the president has tapped former child star Ralph Macchio .
Macchio , having first heard of the news through the media , was shocked , saying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m the karate kid .
Doesn ’ t he know there ’ s a difference between judo and karate ?
” to which Vice President Pence responded , “ No , no he does not.
” It ’ s unclear what effect this will have on the treatment of other viruses , but scientists are hopeful that judo or one of its related martial arts could be used to combat illnesses like Ebola and the seasonal flu .
Despite global optimism , however , there are fears of a second epidemic , this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

Daily new cases down to zero after President Putin defeated the Russian coronavirus in a judo match.
New cases of the Russian coronavirus have fallen to zero following President Vladimir Putin’s victory over the virus in a judo match. According to our sources, as Russia’s confirmed cases exceeded half a million, President Putin, a known judo practitioner, popped off his suit, popped on his judogi, and challenged the coronavirus to a match, saying only, “Let’s dance.”
Russians have embraced the news, and Putin has enjoyed a renewal of enthusiasm and support. One Moscow resident we interviewed was overjoyed: “Seeing our president judo-chop a respiratory illness filled my heart with pride.” As she wiped her tears, she added, “I can touch my face again! Thanks to Putin, I can touch my face again!”
Putin’s actions have garnered attention from the international medical community. Researchers around the world have begun looking at judo as an effective treatment against the coronavirus. “We knew the virus was an expert in karate and jujitsu,” one British epidemiologist commented. “Now that we know it lacks expertise in judo, however, we are the most hopeful we’ve been in months.”
In the United States, President Trump has praised Putin’s victory and announced the creation of the United States Judo Agency within the Department of Health and Human Services. To head the new agency, the president has tapped former child star Ralph Macchio. Macchio, having first heard of the news through the media, was shocked, saying to reporters, “But I’m the karate kid. Doesn’t he know there’s a difference between judo and karate?” to which Vice President Pence responded, “No, no he does not.”
It’s unclear what effect this will have on the treatment of other viruses, but scientists are hopeful that judo or one of its related martial arts could be used to combat illnesses like Ebola and the seasonal flu. Despite global optimism, however, there are fears of a second epidemic, this one of broken noses and hurt feelings.


humortimes--2020-06-18--John Bolton White House Tell-all Book Reveal: Top Ten

While former National Security Advisor John Bolton ’ s new book “ It Happened in This Room : a White House Memoir ” is a # 1 Best Seller in Pre-Sales – Donald Trump fights its release like he has something to hide !
Top Ten Things John Bolton Says Trump Didn ’ t Want You to Know !
10 .
He bites nails !
Not HIS – Mine !
8 .
He ’ s the one who told Jeffrey Epstein to ‘ Hang in there ’ !
7 .
He says when he takes his Girdle off … the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sat on Hope Hicks lap & she ’ s been missing for days !
5 .
His Aide doesn ’ t just carry the Nuclear Football – there ’ s also Dippity Do !
4 .
He checks his wallet every time Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin leaves the room !
3 .
He can ’ t figure out why VP Mike Pence is so loyal – he doesn ’ t have anything on him !
2 .
He buys his suits at ‘ The Bigly , Not-That-Tall & Can ’ t See My @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 1 Thing John Bolton says Trump doesn ’ t want you to know… He introduced his childhood Nanny as ‘ My Mammy ’ !

While former National Security Advisor John Bolton’s new book “It Happened in This Room: a White House Memoir” is a #1 Best Seller in Pre-Sales – Donald Trump fights its release like he has something to hide!
Top Ten Things John Bolton Says Trump Didn’t Want You to Know!
10. He bites nails! Not HIS – Mine!
9. He’s afraid of Snakes, Spiders & Ramps!
8. He’s the one who told Jeffrey Epstein to ‘Hang in there’!
7. He says when he takes his Girdle off … the room gets smaller!
6. He sat on Hope Hicks lap & she’s been missing for days!
5. His Aide doesn’t just carry the Nuclear Football – there’s also Dippity Do!
4. He checks his wallet every time Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin leaves the room!
3. He can’t figure out why VP Mike Pence is so loyal – he doesn’t have anything on him!
2. He buys his suits at ‘The Bigly, Not-That-Tall & Can’t See My Naughty Bits’ Shoppe!
And #1 Thing John Bolton says Trump doesn’t want you to know…
He introduced his childhood Nanny as ‘My Mammy’!
(Sorry, no pic available)


Movie Review: “7500”

I don ’ t want to come on like a Luddite , but a newly released film with Joseph Gordon-Levitt sort of tells you… if you want to know… why I seldom travel out on commercial jetliners much anymore .
7500 is the flight number of a plane on which Gordon-Levitt is the co-pilot or second officer .
It ’ s been my experience that just checking through security is enough to make me find other means of conveyance .
But after you sit and witness what kind of night Tobias Ellis ( Gordon-Levitt ) has flying out of Berlin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in taking a car or bus .
Before it even becomes clear what the plot really is , it thickens a good deal .
Tobias has something going with one of the Stews ; that sets up on the cockpit door threshold .
Then the first officer arrives and tasks Tobias to help getting the ship airborne .
The captain is played by Carlo Kitzlinger .
Little do we in the audience know , then , we ’ ll be in that cockpit , too… for the rest of the film… uh , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ real-time sense going for it as did last year ’ s 1917 and the fully-aged and mighty motion picture Birdman or ( The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance ) … truly , one of the best titles ever conjured .
Although 7500 takes a heading something different than the tragic disappearance of the yet to be found MH-370 , or even the horrific , deliberate aiming of jets into skyscrapers on 9-ll , we sense this fictional flight on a chilly night out of Berlin can only be a rough ride for all aboard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ door , director Patrick Vollrath gives only a glimpse of the passengers ’ cabin as they board and are greeted by the stewardesses .
Action ensues only a few minutes after the plane is wheels-up .
There are three men , armed with pieces of glass that they ’ ve shaped into knife-like instruments .
Security scans don ’ t pick such stuff up , apparently .
Gulp .
Time is consumed primarily with one or two of the assailants banging on the door that separates them from the pilots .
The small @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is where most of those actors do their performing .
It looks quite realistic , particularly as they drag up certain innocents in the back of the craft and demand the pilots let them ( the hijackers ) in… or the passenger ( s ) will have a slashed throat in short order .
You may wonder where these religious zealots are wanting to be taken , instead of the planned flight to Paris .
I certainly did .
But then , whoops… big surprise… these weird guys are on a suicide trip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ claustrophobic combat ebbs ‘ n ’ flows in the nose of the plane .
Bloodletting… serious wounds and even death… oh , I can say no more .
Tough stuff , but it kept my attention , even though I sort of predicted what would happen .
The film could ’ ve been slightly shorter , as some of the scenes of action seemed to go on forever ; and those , when the tension eases , feel stretched a smidgen to give an approximate ninety-minute roll for the feature .
The message @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 7500 , it seems to me , is : when you have some folks on the planet who give over their responsibility for what they do or commit to an entity they worship and “ take orders from , ” then commandeer planes full of innocent people just trying to get to grandma ’ s for Thanksgiving , it ’ s enough to make me not want to go to any airport anywhere , anymore , unless I need to pick up grandma as she comes in on the flight from her house… @ @ @ @ @ @ @ through the woods .
Since I started taking air transportation , things have really gone into a nasty dive .

“7500” — a film review by Gary Chew
I don’t want to come on like a Luddite, but a newly released film with Joseph Gordon-Levitt sort of tells you… if you want to know… why I seldom travel out on commercial jetliners much anymore. 7500 is the flight number of a plane on which Gordon-Levitt is the co-pilot or second officer.
It’s been my experience that just checking through security is enough to make me find other means of conveyance. But after you sit and witness what kind of night Tobias Ellis (Gordon-Levitt) has flying out of Berlin, you might want to join me in taking a car or bus.
Before it even becomes clear what the plot really is, it thickens a good deal. Tobias has something going with one of the Stews; that sets up on the cockpit door threshold. Then the first officer arrives and tasks Tobias to help getting the ship airborne. The captain is played by Carlo Kitzlinger.
Little do we in the audience know, then, we’ll be in that cockpit, too… for the rest of the film… uh, and the flight. 7500 has a real-time sense going for it as did last year’s 1917 and the fully-aged and mighty motion picture Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)… truly, one of the best titles ever conjured.
Although 7500 takes a heading something different than the tragic disappearance of the yet to be found MH-370, or even the horrific, deliberate aiming of jets into skyscrapers on 9-ll, we sense this fictional flight on a chilly night out of Berlin can only be a rough ride for all aboard.
From the vantage of the cockpit door, director Patrick Vollrath gives only a glimpse of the passengers’ cabin as they board and are greeted by the stewardesses. Action ensues only a few minutes after the plane is wheels-up. There are three men, armed with pieces of glass that they’ve shaped into knife-like instruments. Security scans don’t pick such stuff up, apparently. Gulp.
Time is consumed primarily with one or two of the assailants banging on the door that separates them from the pilots. The small TV screen showing just outside the cockpit is where most of those actors do their performing. It looks quite realistic, particularly as they drag up certain innocents in the back of the craft and demand the pilots let them (the hijackers) in… or the passenger(s) will have a slashed throat in short order.
You may wonder where these religious zealots are wanting to be taken, instead of the planned flight to Paris. I certainly did. But then, whoops… big surprise… these weird guys are on a suicide trip. Gulping again.
Serious hand-to-hand and claustrophobic combat ebbs ‘n’ flows in the nose of the plane. Bloodletting… serious wounds and even death… oh, I can say no more. Tough stuff, but it kept my attention, even though I sort of predicted what would happen. The film could’ve been slightly shorter, as some of the scenes of action seemed to go on forever; and those, when the tension eases, feel stretched a smidgen to give an approximate ninety-minute roll for the feature.
The message of most importance to be derived from 7500, it seems to me, is: when you have some folks on the planet who give over their responsibility for what they do or commit to an entity they worship and “take orders from,” then commandeer planes full of innocent people just trying to get to grandma’s for Thanksgiving, it’s enough to make me not want to go to any airport anywhere, anymore , unless I need to pick up grandma as she comes in on the flight from her house… which is just over the river and through the woods.
Since I started taking air transportation, things have really gone into a nasty dive.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F4W5c_3_rhs&feature=youtu.be


humortimes--2020-06-20--Volcanic Eruption Unearths Anti-Historical Burial Sites

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Burial sites of the emperors of the Slobbo-Roman Empire revealed long-lost secrets that probably should have remained so .
An eruption of the Mount Krudeboe volcano on the Slobovian luxury vacation capital , The Isle of Pisse , has unearthed the burial sites of the emperors of the Slobbo-Roman Empire .
The Slobbo-Roman was formed as alliance between Rome and Slobovia around 36 BC when Slobovian princess Eurene the Earless beat Julius Caesar ’ s cousin Vinnie in what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ game .
The territory included Southern Slobovia and all of Rome east of Vito ’ s Pizza Parlour ’ s Appian Way location .
The empire only lasted 4 years and had approximately 36 emperors .
Most had very short reigns that ended in assassination .
Death by Boiling Scheep Schitte was the preferred method of removing an emperor .
So far , archaeologists have discovered the tombs of the following emperors : TOEJAMUS — One of the earliest rulers .
Toejamus was a Body odor worshiper .
He made it a sacrilege @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the stronger the body funk the more sexually virile a person was .
He was finally killed by his own bodyguards , who no longer could stand the stink and crucified him upside down in a Roman bath .
GUACUS AMOLIUS — Formerly Julius Caesar ’ s personal sushi chef .
Invented the popular dish Guaca Mole and named it after himself .
Also invented the short-lived live crocodile sandwich .
TALLAWHACKUS — Emperor Nero ’ s half sisters ’ brother ’ s stepson .
Invented a mathematics system using his penis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fiddled while Rome burned… guess what he did… GRABBUS CRAPPUS — Aka Little Greedy… printed his own currency .
Founded the first Roman Hedge Fund and the first Roman Ponzi Scheme .
Reportedly killed in a casino brawl , but also reportedly fled to East Babylonia where he became a used Chariot salesman .
BODIDDLIUS — The regions hottest bandleader and top lyre player… very popular with the female population .
He had a thing for Cleopatra but she wasn ’ t interested and publicly rejected him on the tv show Slobbo — @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into his biggest hit record “ Baby Kiss My Asp.
” SLAMBANGUS GLUTIUS MAXIMUS — Won the rule in a wrestling match , then singlehandedly killed the entire Roman senate when they objected .
Stabbed in the back by his tag team partner Jiveturkeyius on February 32 on the Slobovian calendar .
PONTIOUS VIAGRUS — Rome ’ s greatest sex warrior attempted to defeat the Barbarian hordes by personally screwing all their wives and girlfriends .
When he banged Attila the Hun ’ s baby sister Attila got mad and burned Rome to @ @ @

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Burial sites of the emperors of the Slobbo-Roman Empire revealed long-lost secrets that probably should have remained so.
Part of the "Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)" series.
An eruption of the Mount Krudeboe volcano on the Slobovian luxury vacation capital, The Isle of Pisse, has unearthed the burial sites of the emperors of the Slobbo-Roman Empire.
The Slobbo-Roman was formed as alliance between Rome and Slobovia around 36 BC when Slobovian princess Eurene the Earless beat Julius Caesar’s cousin Vinnie in what is believed to be the first crap game. The territory included Southern Slobovia and all of Rome east of Vito’s Pizza Parlour’s Appian Way location.
The empire only lasted 4 years and had approximately 36 emperors. Most had very short reigns that ended in assassination. Death by Boiling Scheep Schitte was the preferred method of removing an emperor.
So far, archaeologists have discovered the tombs of the following emperors:
TOEJAMUS — One of the earliest rulers. Toejamus was a Body odor worshiper. He made it a sacrilege for citizens to bathe. He professed that the stronger the body funk the more sexually virile a person was. He was finally killed by his own bodyguards, who no longer could stand the stink and crucified him upside down in a Roman bath.
GUACUS AMOLIUS — Formerly Julius Caesar’s personal sushi chef. Invented the popular dish Guaca Mole and named it after himself. Also invented the short-lived live crocodile sandwich.
TALLAWHACKUS — Emperor Nero’s half sisters’ brother’s stepson. Invented a mathematics system using his penis instead of an abacus. While Nero fiddled while Rome burned… guess what he did…
GRABBUS CRAPPUS — Aka Little Greedy… printed his own currency. Founded the first Roman Hedge Fund and the first Roman Ponzi Scheme. Reportedly killed in a casino brawl, but also reportedly fled to East Babylonia where he became a used Chariot salesman.
WHODAHELLUS — The unknown emperor…
BODIDDLIUS — The regions hottest bandleader and top lyre player… very popular with the female population. He had a thing for Cleopatra but she wasn’t interested and publicly rejected him on the tv show Slobbo — Roman Bandstand. He turned his heartbreak into his biggest hit record “Baby Kiss My Asp.”
SLAMBANGUS GLUTIUS MAXIMUS — Won the rule in a wrestling match, then singlehandedly killed the entire Roman senate when they objected. Stabbed in the back by his tag team partner Jiveturkeyius on February 32 on the Slobovian calendar.
ANTICLIMAXIUS — The most boring emperor… mandated 18 hour siestas daily.
PONTIOUS VIAGRUS — Rome’s greatest sex warrior attempted to defeat the Barbarian hordes by personally screwing all their wives and girlfriends. When he banged Attila the Hun’s baby sister Attila got mad and burned Rome to the ground.


humortimes--2020-06-23--Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/22/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/22/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Beauty and the Beast ’ … you decide which is which !
Turnout at Trump ’ s Tulsa Rally was just under 6,200 – a fraction of the venue ’ s 19,200 capacity : Forbes So , Tulsa welcomed Trump by staging a re-enactment of his inaugural crowd .
Britney Spears debuts new bangs in sexy bikini photo : ‘ I Did It !
’ Shouldn ’ t that be “ Oooops I did it , again ?
” Ivanka Trump said she didn ’ t know using private email for government @ @ @ @ @ @ @ John Bolton to publish his book , rejecting Trump administration effort to block it To really embarrass Trump , John Bolton should ’ ve had his new book repeat Chapter 11 six times .
In order to avoid paying their debt , look for them to join the 24/7 Fitness Protection Program .
‘ Miss Hitler ’ beauty pageant entrant and three others jailed for neo-Nazi group membership NASCAR truck driver Ray Ciccarelli will quit because they banned the Confederate flag … to become the world ’ s fastest Uber driver… Lady Gaga @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with Michael Polansky If it helps people deal with it , instead of saying the statue was torn down , just say it tripped and fell .
In fact , Martha ’ s Vineyard residents have made it clear to Alan Dershowitz that they ’ re not practicing social distancing , they just don ’ t want to be anywhere near him !
Lady Antebellum changes name to Lady A , to denounce former name ’ s association to slavery They were going to change it to Lady J , but Lindsey Graham @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at Tulsa rally after drinking water with one hand Or .
Worst .
America ’ s .
Got .
Talent .
Audition .
Ever .

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Ted Cruz and Ron Perlman have Twitter beef
It’s ‘Beauty and the Beast’… you decide which is which!
Turnout at Trump’s Tulsa Rally was just under 6,200 – a fraction of the venue’s 19,200 capacity: Forbes
So, Tulsa welcomed Trump by staging a re-enactment of his inaugural crowd.
Britney Spears debuts new bangs in sexy bikini photo: ‘I Did It!’
Shouldn’t that be “Oooops I did it, again?”
Ivanka Trump said she didn’t know using private email for government business was illegal
And she’s the smartest one…
A Dolly Parton statue may replace KKK leaders’ Memorial at Tennessee Capitol
… makes sense replacing a giant boob with giant boobs…
Judge clears way for John Bolton to publish his book, rejecting Trump administration effort to block it
To really embarrass Trump, John Bolton should’ve had his new book repeat Chapter 11 six times.
24/7 Fitness to declare bankruptcy
In order to avoid paying their debt ,look for them to join the 24/7 Fitness Protection Program.
‘Miss Hitler’ beauty pageant entrant and three others jailed for neo-Nazi group membership
… wasn’t this a deleted scene from ‘The Producers?’
NASCAR truck driver Ray Ciccarelli will quit because they banned the Confederate flag
… to become the world’s fastest Uber driver…
Lady Gaga forgoes pants for an iced coffee date with Michael Polansky
To paraphrase Chris Farley: “Latte friggin. Da.”
Protesters topple statue of Jefferson Davis in Virginia Capitol
If it helps people deal with it, instead of saying the statue was torn down, just say it tripped and fell.
Alan Dershowitz complains he’s being shunned by Martha’s Vineyard residents
In fact, Martha’s Vineyard residents have made it clear to Alan Dershowitz that they’re not practicing social distancing, they just don’t want to be anywhere near him!
Lady Antebellum changes name to Lady A, to denounce former name’s association to slavery
They were going to change it to Lady J, but Lindsey Graham already took that one.
Trump cheered at Tulsa rally after drinking water with one hand
Or. Worst. America’s. Got. Talent. Audition. Ever.


humortimes--2020-06-25--Cartoon Chaos: Looney Tunes Characters File Suit

Beloved Looney Tunes characters file suit over no longer being allowed to carry firearms .
Warner Brothers recently announced that its Looney Tunes line-up is being reprised .
The cast will again include the infamous wabbit hunter Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam , the gun-slinging cowboy with the hare trigger .
However , Warner Brothers stunned the cartoon world by announcing that the pair will no longer be allowed to carry their iconic firearms .
Both animated men were visibly upset and immediately filed suit in federal court .
The usually mild-mannered Fudd told reporters , “ I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it from my cold dead cartoon hands.
” As expected , the National Rifle Association took up their cause saying that the duo ’ s Second Amendment rights were being violated .
Even cartoons are not above Second Amendment politics these days .
Attorneys for the disarmed duo argued that the Second Amendment had originally proclaimed “ the right of the people , whether animated or real , to keep and bear arms and to hunt wabbits , shall not be infringed.
” They went on to say that although some of these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the final draft , it was well known in Colonial America that the founding fathers meant for the amendment to also pertain to cartoon figures .
Lawyers for the defense disagreed and cited the case of Woody v. Walt Disney Pictures in which the judge ruled that Woody , the Toy Story actor , didn ’ t have the right to carry a pistol on the set ( if you google Woody you ’ ll see his holster is empty ) .
Given that precedent , the jury in the Fudd and Sam @ @ @ @ @ @ @ irate Yosemite Sam was later heard shouting “ I ’ m the meanest , toughest hombre that ever crossed the Rio Grande and I intend to appeal.
” A spokesperson for Warner Brothers noted that the company was only banning guns and that they intended to continue the use of exploding tennis balls , sticks of dynamite , anvils and bombs in their productions .
Acme Corporation ’ s stock price soared after the statement was released .
In a related story , a lower court ruled that Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer could take away Ralphie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stating firearm safety concerns .
The judge cited the fear that he might shoot his eye out .
Mrs. Parker and Ralphie ’ s teacher had each filed amicus curiae briefs supporting the disarming of the nine-year-old .
In other cartoon news , President Trump announced that he will ask the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency ( ICE ) to investigate allegations that the cartoon industry was harboring illegal immigrant characters .
Trump said “ I believe that some cartoon characters may be in our country illegally .
I watch Fox News and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the characters in these other shows are stone cold losers .
I get much better TV ratings than any of them , that I can tell you.
” A White House source who spoke on the condition of anonymity , disclosed that ICE had already questioned the Tasmanian Devil , whom the President has said is crazier than Crazy Bernie Sanders .
The source also said that the agency will begin looking into the immigration status of Speedy Gonzales , Marvin the Martian and Pikachu , to name a few .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Le Pew , the narcissistic skunk who has for years been aggressively pursuing a relationship with Penelope Pussycat , has been dropped as the president said he liked Mr. Pew ’ s style and that the skunk reminds him of someone .
And finally , it was announced yesterday that Adam Schiff , the Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee , is starting a new inquiry into alleged interference in American elections .
Schiff declared that new evidence has come to light that indicated that two Russian spies , Boris Badenov and Natasha @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and were planning to do it again in 2020 .
Schiff didn ’ t explain what evidence he had other than the fact that the couple looked Russian and spoke with Russian accents .
Mr. Badenov said that he was refusing to cooperate with the investigation saying , “ You busy-bodies have busied your last body.
” He followed up by saying “ Moose and Squirrel did it.
” So , there you have it .
Our world is in chaos but so is the Cartoon world .

Beloved Looney Tunes characters file suit over no longer being allowed to carry firearms.
Warner Brothers recently announced that its Looney Tunes line-up is being reprised. The cast will again include the infamous wabbit hunter Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam, the gun-slinging cowboy with the hare trigger. However, Warner Brothers stunned the cartoon world by announcing that the pair will no longer be allowed to carry their iconic firearms.
Both animated men were visibly upset and immediately filed suit in federal court. The usually mild-mannered Fudd told reporters, “I’ll give them my shotgun when they pry it from my cold dead cartoon hands.” As expected, the National Rifle Association took up their cause saying that the duo’s Second Amendment rights were being violated. Even cartoons are not above Second Amendment politics these days.
Attorneys for the disarmed duo argued that the Second Amendment had originally proclaimed “the right of the people, whether animated or real, to keep and bear arms and to hunt wabbits, shall not be infringed.” They went on to say that although some of these words had failed to make it into the final draft, it was well known in Colonial America that the founding fathers meant for the amendment to also pertain to cartoon figures.
Lawyers for the defense disagreed and cited the case of Woody v. Walt Disney Pictures in which the judge ruled that Woody, the Toy Story actor, didn’t have the right to carry a pistol on the set (if you google Woody you’ll see his holster is empty).
Given that precedent, the jury in the Fudd and Sam case sided with Warner Brothers. An irate Yosemite Sam was later heard shouting “I’m the meanest, toughest hombre that ever crossed the Rio Grande and I intend to appeal.”
A spokesperson for Warner Brothers noted that the company was only banning guns and that they intended to continue the use of exploding tennis balls, sticks of dynamite, anvils and bombs in their productions. Acme Corporation’s stock price soared after the statement was released.
In a related story, a lower court ruled that Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer could take away Ralphie Parker’s Red Ryder BB gun stating firearm safety concerns. The judge cited the fear that he might shoot his eye out. Mrs. Parker and Ralphie’s teacher had each filed amicus curiae briefs supporting the disarming of the nine-year-old.
In other cartoon news, President Trump announced that he will ask the Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency (ICE) to investigate allegations that the cartoon industry was harboring illegal immigrant characters. Trump said “I believe that some cartoon characters may be in our country illegally. I watch Fox News and a lot of other cartoons and most of the characters in these other shows are stone cold losers. I get much better TV ratings than any of them, that I can tell you.”
A White House source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, disclosed that ICE had already questioned the Tasmanian Devil, whom the President has said is crazier than Crazy Bernie Sanders. The source also said that the agency will begin looking into the immigration status of Speedy Gonzales, Marvin the Martian and Pikachu, to name a few. He also disclosed that the investigation of Pepe Le Pew, the narcissistic skunk who has for years been aggressively pursuing a relationship with Penelope Pussycat, has been dropped as the president said he liked Mr. Pew’s style and that the skunk reminds him of someone.
And finally, it was announced yesterday that Adam Schiff, the Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, is starting a new inquiry into alleged interference in American elections. Schiff declared that new evidence has come to light that indicated that two Russian spies, Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale had interfered in the 2016 election and were planning to do it again in 2020. Schiff didn’t explain what evidence he had other than the fact that the couple looked Russian and spoke with Russian accents. Mr. Badenov said that he was refusing to cooperate with the investigation saying, “You busy-bodies have busied your last body.” He followed up by saying “Moose and Squirrel did it.”
So, there you have it. Our world is in chaos but so is the Cartoon world.
That’s All Folks.


humortimes--2020-06-25--Arabella’s Dictionary: Shopping and Exchanges

A thoroughly modern , if irreverent , dictionary for your edification .
This edition : terms relating to shopping , exchanges and more .
Afwyn ( af-win ) : An adorable guy who , in the evenings , reads medieval mystery novels and cries over classical compositions .
People are fond of the sobbing afwyn and like to see him sitting and reading in an easy chair by the fireplace in their study .
They feel that having an afwyn residing in their residence adds an artsy depth and originality to their lives .
Afwyns can be both purchased and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are on sale on Amazon.com .
Aprunkle ( a-prun-kel ) : An aprunkle is an inexpensive show maid who can ’ t clean — a fantasy janitress .
One hires aprunkles when wanting to give the appearance of being wealthy to the neighbors and guests .
When summoned , the incompetent maids arrive in a luxurious aprunkle carriage and pretend to sweep the walkway with too-thin brooms as they approach their client ’ s front door .
They then stand in front of the windows and purport to mop , dust and vacuum @ @ @ @ @ @ @ visiting best friend will say , “ Wow , Jim , you can afford aprunkles ?
!
Business must be fantastic.
” Banefinger ( ban-fin-gehr ) : The third finger on the right hand of a decorous lady that accidentally but automatically flies up when she is at the grocery store checkout line and a rude stranger cuts in front of her .
Bickering Beau Firm : Staffing agency that hires out people who like to quarrel as secretaries , construction workers and acting spouses .
A hostile arguer can call the BBF @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Hello , Bickering Beau Firm , this is Rocky B. I need a furious clerical worker who storms out of the room every 30 minutes — ASAP !
’ The BBF will go through its roster of enraged typists until they find someone who stands a fighting chance of filling Rocky B.
’ s position .
The Bickering Beau Firm carries an ‘ A ’ for argumentative rating with the Better Business Bureau .
Templove ( temp-lo-vay ) : Current companion .
A woman or man who serves , quite willingly and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ boyfriend .
Temploves serve until their mate , called a templover , can find herself a more suitable and permanent partner .
Occasionally a templove does such a good job that the templover keeps him or her on permanently .
Temploves can be found at the bus stop , bar or nearest templove agency .
Vadvondrilo ( vaad-von-drih-lo ) : To vadvondrilo someone is to bolt in front of her at the supermarket and then start walking very slowly .
This causes the person shopping who has been decelerated to have an infuriated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ relapse on her nail-biting .
The poor girl rage eats chocolate bars as she sluggishly inches through the grocery store aisles and glares intensely at the human snail in front of her .

A thoroughly modern, if irreverent, dictionary for your edification. This edition: terms relating to shopping, exchanges and more.
Afwyn (af-win): An adorable guy who, in the evenings, reads medieval mystery novels and cries over classical compositions. People are fond of the sobbing afwyn and like to see him sitting and reading in an easy chair by the fireplace in their study. They feel that having an afwyn residing in their residence adds an artsy depth and originality to their lives. Afwyns can be both purchased and returned at most furniture stores and also are on sale on Amazon.com.
Aprunkle (a-prun-kel): An aprunkle is an inexpensive show maid who can’t clean — a fantasy janitress. One hires aprunkles when wanting to give the appearance of being wealthy to the neighbors and guests. When summoned, the incompetent maids arrive in a luxurious aprunkle carriage and pretend to sweep the walkway with too-thin brooms as they approach their client’s front door. They then stand in front of the windows and purport to mop, dust and vacuum the entire house. One’s visiting best friend will say, “Wow, Jim, you can afford aprunkles?! Business must be fantastic.”
Banefinger (ban-fin-gehr): The third finger on the right hand of a decorous lady that accidentally but automatically flies up when she is at the grocery store checkout line and a rude stranger cuts in front of her.
Bickering Beau Firm: Staffing agency that hires out people who like to quarrel as secretaries, construction workers and acting spouses. A hostile arguer can call the BBF anytime at all with a request. ‘Hello, Bickering Beau Firm, this is Rocky B. I need a furious clerical worker who storms out of the room every 30 minutes — ASAP!’ The BBF will go through its roster of enraged typists until they find someone who stands a fighting chance of filling Rocky B.’s position. The Bickering Beau Firm carries an ‘A’ for argumentative rating with the Better Business Bureau.
Flink: A roll of loud, tacky wallpaper.
Pennydolly (pen-ee-dol-lee): Rickety, pint-sized shopping cart found at the Dollar Store.
Templove (temp-lo-vay): Current companion. A woman or man who serves, quite willingly and happily, as an interim girlfriend or boyfriend. Temploves serve until their mate, called a templover, can find herself a more suitable and permanent partner. Occasionally a templove does such a good job that the templover keeps him or her on permanently. Temploves can be found at the bus stop, bar or nearest templove agency.
Vadvondrilo (vaad-von-drih-lo): To vadvondrilo someone is to bolt in front of her at the supermarket and then start walking very slowly. This causes the person shopping who has been decelerated to have an infuriated hissy fit which then provokes her to relapse on her nail-biting. The poor girl rage eats chocolate bars as she sluggishly inches through the grocery store aisles and glares intensely at the human snail in front of her.


humortimes--2020-06-25--Animal Rights Groups Picket the White House

Trump accused of slaughter by animal rights groups PETA and Audubon .
The White House is now being picketed by large numbers of the animal rights groups PETA and Audubon members .
They are protesting a massive extermination of crows on the White House grounds that they insist Trump ordered .
Trump adamantly denies any such order .
“ I love crows , ” he claimed .
“ As a kid my favorite part of the Dumbo movie was the scene with all those crows , even though they did talk kinda funny.
” Noting the eyes rolling among members @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quickly interrupted , “ We ’ ve launched a full investigation .
Every bird has the right to feel safe on the White House grounds.
” Trump quickly interrupted with what he believed would indicate empathy to the demonstrators : “ All birds ’ lives matter , ” he called out .
This time reporters eyes practically spun in their heads as the press secretary abruptly ended the press conference and his aides ushered President Trump out of the room .
“ What now… What was wrong with that ?
” the reporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ walked out the door .
He became even more angry when he heard a staff member mention “ a murder of crows ” until he discovered that ironically that was the proper term for a group of crows .
To appease the protesters , Trump then ordered the FBI to conduct the investigation on the grounds that it was genocide and , therefore , a hate crime .
After two days of interviewing the staff and all those who participated in the massacre of the crows , the source was discovered .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump did unknowingly order the extermination of the crows .
Concerned that protesters might have left covid infectious material on the White House grounds , Trump issued the following command : “ I want a massive sweep of the White House grounds so that no corvid can be found .
Eliminate all .
I want everything dead.
” His slip of the tongue , saying corvid instead of covid , sealed the crow ’ s doom , since corvid refers to birds in the crow family , crows , ravens , jays , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ informed him of the error had to repeat the two words several times and use flash cards for the President to recognize the difference .
“ He must have misheard me , ” he insisted and ordered the staff member who received the order fired due to the danger he posed “ because of his hearing problem.
” Bill Barr quickly whispered in Trump ’ s ear that firing on that basis would violate the ADA ( American ’ s with Disabilities Act ) .
The President thought a moment and replied , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he has that problem where he mixes up letters ?
You know , lysdexia .
”

Trump accused of slaughter by animal rights groups PETA and Audubon.
The White House is now being picketed by large numbers of the animal rights groups PETA and Audubon members. They are protesting a massive extermination of crows on the White House grounds that they insist Trump ordered.
Trump adamantly denies any such order. “I love crows,” he claimed. “As a kid my favorite part of the Dumbo movie was the scene with all those crows, even though they did talk kinda funny.”
Noting the eyes rolling among members of the press, the press secretary quickly interrupted, “We’ve launched a full investigation. Every bird has the right to feel safe on the White House grounds.”
Trump quickly interrupted with what he believed would indicate empathy to the demonstrators: “All birds’ lives matter,” he called out. This time reporters eyes practically spun in their heads as the press secretary abruptly ended the press conference and his aides ushered President Trump out of the room. “What now… What was wrong with that?” the reporters heard him castigating his staff as they walked out the door. He became even more angry when he heard a staff member mention “a murder of crows” until he discovered that ironically that was the proper term for a group of crows.
To appease the protesters, Trump then ordered the FBI to conduct the investigation on the grounds that it was genocide and, therefore, a hate crime. After two days of interviewing the staff and all those who participated in the massacre of the crows, the source was discovered.
It appears that in a blunder, President Trump did unknowingly order the extermination of the crows. Concerned that protesters might have left covid infectious material on the White House grounds, Trump issued the following command: “I want a massive sweep of the White House grounds so that no corvid can be found. Eliminate all. I want everything dead.”
His slip of the tongue, saying corvid instead of covid, sealed the crow’s doom, since corvid refers to birds in the crow family, crows, ravens, jays, and other related species. Staffers who informed him of the error had to repeat the two words several times and use flash cards for the President to recognize the difference.
“He must have misheard me,” he insisted and ordered the staff member who received the order fired due to the danger he posed “because of his hearing problem.” Bill Barr quickly whispered in Trump’s ear that firing on that basis would violate the ADA (American’s with Disabilities Act). The President thought a moment and replied, “Okay, how about we say he has that problem where he mixes up letters? You know, lysdexia.”


humortimes--2020-06-25--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany

From under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany .
I promise I will never lie to you .
You made a comment in 2015 that it was “ unfortunate and inauthentic to call Trump a Republican.
” No .
I said Trump is from Dublin .
You just lied .
I got it on tape .
It ’ s not a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is the administration dealing with the coronavirus ?
That ship sailed .
We ’ re reopening our economy .
Unemployment is dropping .
But as a result , coronavirus is rising .
The president hasn ’ t done anything to help .
We don ’ t have enough testing , masks , protective gowns and ventilators .
Over two million people are positive .
It ’ s better to be positive than someone who is always negative .
You know what they say .
Feed a cold , starve a fever , drink @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus seriously .
They just closed their borders .
You know what that means ?
No one will be crossing the finish line .
Aren ’ t I smart ?
Graduated from Harvard law school .
Okay , Smart Ass .
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato ?
The lettuce was a “ head ” and the tomato was trying to “ ketchup.
” I don ’ t think that was on my final exam .
Former White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders bursts through @ @ @ @ @ @ @ here , Tubby !
Hold on , Ladies .
Be civil to each other .
You ’ re both losers .
I know your egos were crushed when you weren ’ t cast for the movie Stan and Ollie .
Don ’ t insult me .
My dad is an important member of the Republican Party .
You mean Colonel Sanders , the fried chicken guy ?
Mike Huckabee .
The former Governor of Arkansas .
He had his own TV Show on Fox News for seven years .
So ?
That ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What does your dad do ?
I ’ d tell you a joke about roofers , but it ’ s over your head .
You two idiots share the same values .
Against LGBTQ , women having children out of wedlock , want God in public school classrooms .
You ’ re on the wrong side of history .
You know nothing about American history , Duncan .
Why did Columbus cross the ocean ?
To get to the other tide .
What kind of tea did the American colonists want ?
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s dangerous to drink tea .
Native Americans used to drink too much of it and drowned in their Tee Pees .
If April showers bring May flowers , what do May flowers bring ?
Duncan knows his history .
When I was in school , I was great in history .
Oh wait , no I wasn ’ t .
That ’ s why I got hired by Trump .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.
ANNOUNCER
From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany.
JERRY
Hi Kaleigh.
KAYLEIGH MCENANY
I promise I will never lie to you.
JERRY
You made a comment in 2015 that it was “unfortunate and inauthentic to call Trump a Republican.”
MCENANY
No. I said Trump is from Dublin.
JERRY
You just lied. I got it on tape.
MCENANY
It’s not a lie if you believe it.
JERRY
How is the administration dealing with the coronavirus?
MCENANY
That ship sailed. We’re reopening our economy. Unemployment is dropping.
JERRY
But as a result, coronavirus is rising. The president hasn’t done anything to help. We don’t have enough testing, masks, protective gowns and ventilators. Over two million people are positive.
MCENANY
It’s better to be positive than someone who is always negative. You know what they say. Feed a cold, starve a fever, drink a Corona.
JERRY
At least Finland takes the coronavirus seriously. They just closed their borders. You know what that means?
MCENANY
No one will be crossing the finish line. Aren’t I smart? Graduated from Harvard law school.
JERRY
Okay, Smart Ass. Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
MCENANY
No.
JERRY
The lettuce was a “head” and the tomato was trying to “ketchup.”
MCENANY
I don’t think that was on my final exam.
Former White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders bursts through the studio door.
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS
I want my job back, Stick Legs!
MCENANY
Nobody invited you here, Tubby!
JERRY
Hold on, Ladies. Be civil to each other. You’re both losers. I know your egos were crushed when you weren’t cast for the movie Stan and Ollie.
SANDERS
Don’t insult me. My dad is an important member of the Republican Party.
MCENANY
You mean Colonel Sanders, the fried chicken guy?
SANDERS
Mike Huckabee. The former Governor of Arkansas. He had his own TV Show on Fox News for seven years.
MCENANY
So? That’s not even news. Oops.
SANDERS
What does your dad do?
MCENANY
He’s a roofer.
SANDERS
I’d tell you a joke about roofers, but it’s over your head.
JERRY
You two idiots share the same values. Against LGBTQ, women having children out of wedlock, want God in public school classrooms. You’re on the wrong side of history.
MCENANY
You know nothing about American history, Duncan.
JERRY
Prove it.
MCENANY
Why did Columbus cross the ocean?
JERRY
To get to the other tide.
MCENANY
Wrong. The directions weren’t pacific.
JERRY
Close.
MCENANY
What kind of tea did the American colonists want?
JERRY
Liberty.
MCENANY
I’ll give you that one. It’s dangerous to drink tea. Native Americans used to drink too much of it and drowned in their Tee Pees.
MCENANY
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
JERRY
Pilgrims.
SANDERS
Duncan knows his history. When I was in school, I was great in history. Oh wait, no I wasn’t. That’s why I got hired by Trump.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-06-25--A Trump-Friendly Précis of John Bolton’s Book

“ [ Trump ] said he had not read the book.
” — The Sydney Morning Herald , June 16 , 2020 John Bolton ’ s book The Room Where It Happened has been released and exposes all manner of wrongdoing by President Trump .
Trump has said that he has not read the book and , at almost 600 pages , it ’ s not likely he ever will — which is why Bolton ’ s publisher Simon & Schuster has decided to simultaneously release a Trump-friendly précis summarizing in Seussian verse the main points of the book : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to read The book that I ’ ve written with due haste and speed .
You might be confused by the title ’ s abstractness But the room that I mention is your own Oval Office .
For it ’ s there you ’ ll recall that we dumped on Islam And I tried to convince you to just bomb Iran .
But you never relented despite my best tries And instead just pursued your big mountain of lies .
Everyone knows about Ukraine and Biden But the Dems were too sloppy and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ They gave a big pass on Putin and Xi And forgot all about your hotels overseas .
Not to mention your good friends the Arabian Saudis Who never it seems have to account for the bodies .
And then there ’ s the nonsense with your pal Kim Jong Un The insane guy you ’ ve let build a nuclear bomb .
I can ’ t help but list all your lies and tirades Your shouting , your cheating , your verbal fusillades .
It ’ s amazing how fortunate you are on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t charge you with more .
It ’ s truly surprising that you were never aware Your Cabinet was laughing behind your blonde hair .
Mattis and Tillerson and even Pompeo Mocked you in secret for your lack of a credo .
But I always found them to be disaffected For your belief was whatever would get you elected .
Now I know you ’ re not happy about my new book And you think I ’ m no more than a political crook .
But even if I never receive one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ help you do time .
I ’ m guessing you ’ re angry , perhaps downright molten Let ’ s just say that ’ s a present from your ex-pal John Bolton .

Exclusive: Publisher’s Trump-friendly précis of the book.
“[Trump] said he had not read the book.”
— The Sydney Morning Herald, June 16, 2020
John Bolton’s book The Room Where It Happened has been released and exposes all manner of wrongdoing by President Trump. Trump has said that he has not read the book and, at almost 600 pages, it’s not likely he ever will — which is why Bolton’s publisher Simon & Schuster has decided to simultaneously release a Trump-friendly précis summarizing in Seussian verse the main points of the book:
Dear Mr. President, I urge you to read
The book that I’ve written with due haste and speed.
You might be confused by the title’s abstractness
But the room that I mention is your own Oval Office.
For it’s there you’ll recall that we dumped on Islam
And I tried to convince you to just bomb Iran.
But you never relented despite my best tries
And instead just pursued your big mountain of lies.
Everyone knows about Ukraine and Biden
But the Dems were too sloppy and missed what you’re hiding.
They gave a big pass on Putin and Xi
And forgot all about your hotels overseas.
Not to mention your good friends the Arabian Saudis
Who never it seems have to account for the bodies.
And then there’s the nonsense with your pal Kim Jong Un
The insane guy you’ve let build a nuclear bomb.
I can’t help but list all your lies and tirades
Your shouting, your cheating, your verbal fusillades.
It’s amazing how fortunate you are on this score
That the House Democrats didn’t charge you with more.
It’s truly surprising that you were never aware
Your Cabinet was laughing behind your blonde hair.
Mattis and Tillerson and even Pompeo
Mocked you in secret for your lack of a credo.
But I always found them to be disaffected
For your belief was whatever would get you elected.
Now I know you’re not happy about my new book
And you think I’m no more than a political crook.
But even if I never receive one thin dime
I hope my exposé will help you do time.
I’m guessing you’re angry, perhaps downright molten
Let’s just say that’s a present from your ex-pal John Bolton.


humortimes--2020-06-25--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Flush the Tea Potty!

… we have a small favor to ask .
More and more people are reading the Humor Times , but advertising revenues for internet sites everywhere keep falling .
And unlike so many other websites , we have not put up a paywall -- we want to keep this much-loved ( and much-needed ! )
political humor free , if possible !
So you can see why we need to ask for your help .
The Humor Times ' unique content takes a lot of time and effort to produce ... but we do it because we believe uncompromising political @ @ @ @ @ @ @ days .
If everyone who reads and likes our website helps fund it , we can continue to help people laugh at the news , rather than cry about it !
For as little as $ 1 , you can support the Humor Times – and it only takes a minute .
Thank you !
Or , please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter via our Patreon Page , contributing a certain amount each month .
You can do it for as long or as short a time as you like .
It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

The tea potty is full of it.
Trump’s base is sneer to his heart.
Loyal tea oafs protect Trump.
Right-wing propaganda time: Lunatic talk.
The tea party believes in con’s piracy theories.
Resist Trump’s evilution.
In the room where it happened, colluders co-lied.
Geoffrey Berman was falsifired by vermin.
Trump Barrs oversight.
Uncle Sam’s constitution can’t stand much more of this abuse.
Laws against burning the flag are only designed to protect those wishing to wrap themselves in it.
Racist statues have hearts of stone.
Too many “Christians” are only forgiving themselves a free pass.
Liar, liar, Pence on fire.
Pinheads point to heaven without ever looking up.
Don’t make Jesus cross.
Only love can savior soul.
LGBT brothers and sisters: Take pride in your work, and in your Supreme accomplishment.
Pessimists: Wash your mouth out with hope.
Pray to give peace a chants.


humortimes--2020-06-25--The Charge of the Not-So-Bright Brigade

The Charge of the Not-So-Bright Brigade

The Charge of the Not-So-Bright Brigade: Trump’s Tulsa Rally of Death
Half a brain, half a brain,
Half a brain onward,
All to the rally of Death
Strode the sick hundreds.
“Forward, Not-So-Bright Brigade!
Charge so I’ll win!” he said.
Into the rally of Death
Strode the sick hundreds.
“Forward No-So-Bright Brigade!”
Was Trump at all dismayed?
Not that supporters knew
Trump again had blundered.
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and die.
Into the rally of Death
Strode the sick hundreds.
Coughing to the right of them,
Coughing to the left of them
Coughing in front of them
Pestilence thundered;
Caused by his lying sell,
Blindly they strode once well
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of hell
Strode the sick hundreds.
Cheered with their faces bare,
Cheered as germs rose in air
Breathing the microbes there
Charging death’s army, while
All the world wondered.
Plunged in the viral smoke
Right then their health they broke;
Coughing percussion
Reeled from the viral stroke
Shattered and sundered.
Then they strode back, but now
Now more sick hundreds.
Coughing to the right of them,
Coughing to the left of them,
Coughing behind them
Volleyed and thundered;
Caused by his lying sell
One by one they all fell.
The virus he’d not fought well
Led to the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of hell,
All was bereft of them,
Bereft by the hundreds.
When will his glory fade?
O the wild claims he made!
All the world wondered.
Hapless the choice they made!
Hapless Not-So-Bright Brigade,
Gullible sick hundreds!


humortimes--2020-06-25--Dialogue with the Editor: Why THIS and not THAT?

Me : Why have I written THIS , you ask , the meh one , and not THAT , the funny one ?
Me : Hmm , not sure ; but I think it ’ s because THIS is what I write .
Editor : Couldn ’ t you just try writing THAT , the funny one ?
Me : I don ’ t know .
Let me think about it .
So I thought about it , and tried , and realized there are many reasons I write THIS : 1 .
THIS was funny when I first became @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the kind of humor I know how to write .
I don ’ t think like THAT .
I don ’ t joke like THAT .
I don ’ t think I can write THAT .
3 .
My friends think I ’ m funny — at least , they SAY they think I ’ m funny — based on reading stuff like THIS .
( But most of them began reading humor when I began writing it , and THIS is also what they ’ re used to . )
4 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , such as curses ( “ fuck ” is no longer that bad ) , pronouns ( call me “ they ” ) , labels ( for people of color , the disabled , women ) , ice cream flavors ( Moose Tracks ? )
, and where au courant travelers vacation ( we missed Iceland , but were early to Portugal ) ( can Vietnam or Croatia be far behind ? )
.
Styles of humor are no different .
For a while , the hippest comics were graphic and scatological ( @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , as noted , F is no longer such a bomb ) ; suddenly , family-friendly is BIG ( some contemporary comics could have written for the Dick Van Dyke Show ) .
The point being : THIS could be funny again .
5 .
The ones who write or perform THAT tend to be younger and appeal to a younger crowd .
We THIS humorists attract a more “ mature ” audience ( many of my friends and readers are just shy of senility ) .
6 .
To be honest , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and usually don ’ t find THAT all that funny… though I can admire that THAT ’ s clever and hip in ways I could never be .
( Was she just referring to a social media Influencer , a Hip-Hop artist , or a new Ben & Jerry ’ s flavor ?
I don ’ t know ; but I ’ m not laughing , and I ’ m certainly not peeing my pants ) ( despite an assist from my prostate surgery ) ( example of THAT humor ) .
7 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : THIS writers are more intelligible .
( But — I admit — perhaps we ’ re just easier to understand for people born and raised on THIS , and people born and raised on THAT easily get THAT . )
8 .
I think writers of THIS earn more than writers of THAT .
( But I have no evidence to back that up . )
Dave Barry and Funny Times are THIS .
Shouts & Murmurs and McSweeney ’ s lean THAT .
The Onion and humortimes.com… down the middle ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Earn More aspect . )
9 .
Woody Allen is definitely THIS .
( Are we still allowed to mention Woody Allen ? )
( Come to think of it , Bill Cosby was also quite THIS .
I don ’ t like where this is headed and hereby withdraw this point . )
10 .
But here ’ s a personal ( or perhaps tribal ) note : THIS feels slightly Jewish .
Not Orthodox ; more Reformed ; and not technically Jewish itself : THIS wasn ’ t circumcised or Bar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s knowing that THIS ’ s forebears included Jack Benny , Henny Youngman , Groucho Marx , etc .
– THOSE comedians ( the THIS generation ) .
Also , in the old days we expected THIS comics to drop funny Yiddish words like schmuck , shlemiel and oy vay .
( Don ’ t judge : these are no worse as laugh-getters than fuck me , yo bitch or Don Jr. ) 11 .
In a nutshell , THIS is ME .
( Actually , I ’ m probably more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ THIS humor ) .
So , Dear Editor , take my THIS , or reject my THIS , but THIS is who I am and what I write .

A dialogue with the editor:
Me: Why have I written THIS, you ask, the meh one, and not THAT, the funny one?
Editor: Yes, exactly!
Me: Hmm, not sure; but I think it’s because THIS is what I write.
Editor: Couldn’t you just try writing THAT, the funny one?
Me: I don’t know. Let me think about it.
So I thought about it, and tried, and realized there are many reasons I write THIS:
1. THIS was funny when I first became a writer.
2. THIS is the kind of humor I know how to write. I don’t think like THAT. I don’t joke like THAT. I don’t think I can write THAT.
3. My friends think I’m funny — at least, they SAY they think I’m funny — based on reading stuff like THIS. (But most of them began reading humor when I began writing it, and THIS is also what they’re used to.)
4. Many aspects of life and culture change, such as curses (“fuck” is no longer that bad), pronouns (call me “they”), labels (for people of color, the disabled, women), ice cream flavors (Moose Tracks?), and where au courant travelers vacation (we missed Iceland, but were early to Portugal) (can Vietnam or Croatia be far behind?). Styles of humor are no different. For a while, the hippest comics were graphic and scatological (lots of F bombs) (though, as noted, F is no longer such a bomb); suddenly, family-friendly is BIG (some contemporary comics could have written for the Dick Van Dyke Show). The point being: THIS could be funny again.
5. The ones who write or perform THAT tend to be younger and appeal to a younger crowd. We THIS humorists attract a more “mature” audience (many of my friends and readers are just shy of senility).
6. To be honest, I often don’t get THAT and usually don’t find THAT all that funny… though I can admire that THAT’s clever and hip in ways I could never be. (Was she just referring to a social media Influencer, a Hip-Hop artist, or a new Ben & Jerry’s flavor? I don’t know; but I’m not laughing, and I’m certainly not peeing my pants) (despite an assist from my prostate surgery) (example of THAT humor).
7. This may be the same point: THIS writers are more intelligible. (But — I admit — perhaps we’re just easier to understand for people born and raised on THIS, and people born and raised on THAT easily get THAT.)
8. I think writers of THIS earn more than writers of THAT. (But I have no evidence to back that up.) Dave Barry and Funny Times are THIS. Shouts & Murmurs and McSweeney’s lean THAT. The Onion and humortimes.com… down the middle? (I may need to rethink this Earn More aspect.)
9. Woody Allen is definitely THIS. (Are we still allowed to mention Woody Allen?) (Come to think of it, Bill Cosby was also quite THIS. I don’t like where this is headed and hereby withdraw this point.)
10. But here’s a personal (or perhaps tribal) note: THIS feels slightly Jewish. Not Orthodox; more Reformed; and not technically Jewish itself: THIS wasn’t circumcised or Bar Mitzvahed, nothing like that. Maybe it’s knowing that THIS’s forebears included Jack Benny, Henny Youngman, Groucho Marx, etc. – THOSE comedians (the THIS generation). Also, in the old days we expected THIS comics to drop funny Yiddish words like schmuck, shlemiel and oy vay. (Don’t judge: these are no worse as laugh-getters than fuck me, yo bitch or Don Jr.)
11. In a nutshell, THIS is ME. (Actually, I’m probably more ME outside a nutshell) (more THIS humor).
So, Dear Editor, take my THIS, or reject my THIS, but THIS is who I am and what I write.


humortimes--2020-07-01--Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/30/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/30/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ willing to testify before Congress … and , if they sign up for Amazon Prime he ’ ll be there within 48 hours… In fact , Cheney believes so much in face masks he makes people who go hunting with him wear one with a target on it .
Things are so bad for sports fans get ready for the phrase , “ Are you ready for some Foosball ?
” While R. Kelly could be looking for one with Forever 21 to Life .
Trump wants to challenge Biden to take cognitive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tests .
Best two out of three wins … You probably think this joke is about you ?
Don ’ t you ?
Don ’ t you ?
Costco is discontinuing a bakery favorite & the pandemic may be to blame Say goodbye to that box of bran muffins that serves 127 .
I ’ m thinking if they renamed them after him he ’ d be ok… like rename Fort Bragg and call it Fort Braggart… Heidi Klum likes to brush her teeth while topless So , this season she ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Got Talent ’ … Trump says that “ if we stop testing right now , we ’ d have very few cases ” of the coronavirus Hmmm , if Trump thinks stopping testing will cut down on the coronavirus , then to hell with the wall , just stop checking documents at the border and they ’ ll be no more illegal immigration .
Aunt Jemima changing its name and logo Sounds like the only time we ’ ll ever see Aunt Jemima out in public again is when Megyn Kelly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ state song is now ‘ The Texas Two Steps Backward.
’ “ It was so crazy ” : Man grabs shark with bare hands on Delaware beach in viral video In fairness , he was surprised to see his talent agent in Delaware .
Reports Trump still pissed at the size of his Tulsa rally … now he knows how Stormy felt …

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Jeff Bezos is willing to testify before Congress
… and, if they sign up for Amazon Prime he’ll be there within 48 hours…
Dick Cheney crosses party lines to promote face makes
In fact, Cheney believes so much in face masks he makes people who go hunting with him wear one with a target on it.
Phase 3 of reopening to include youth sports, limited spectators
Things are so bad for sports fans get ready for the phrase, “Are you ready for some Foosball?”
Kanye and The Gap struck a 10-year deal
While R. Kelly could be looking for one with Forever 21 to Life.
Trump wants to challenge Biden to take cognitive test
… and blood sugar and cholesterol tests. Best two out of three wins …
Happy 76th birthday, Carly Simon
You probably think this joke is about you? Don’t you? Don’t you?
Costco is discontinuing a bakery favorite & the pandemic may be to blame
Say goodbye to that box of bran muffins that serves 127.
Trump won’t rename Army posts that honor Confederates
I’m thinking if they renamed them after him he’d be ok… like rename Fort Bragg and call it Fort Braggart…
Heidi Klum likes to brush her teeth while topless
So, this season she’s also going to compete on ‘America’s Got Talent’…
Trump says that “if we stop testing right now, we’d have very few cases” of the coronavirus
Hmmm, if Trump thinks stopping testing will cut down on the coronavirus, then to hell with the wall, just stop checking documents at the border and they’ll be no more illegal immigration.
Aunt Jemima changing its name and logo
Sounds like the only time we’ll ever see Aunt Jemima out in public again is when Megyn Kelly dresses as her for Halloween!
Texas Governor halts new phases of reopening state’s economy
The state song is now ‘The Texas Two Steps Backward.’
“It was so crazy”: Man grabs shark with bare hands on Delaware beach in viral video
In fairness, he was surprised to see his talent agent in Delaware.
Reports Trump still pissed at the size of his Tulsa rally
… now he knows how Stormy felt …


humortimes--2020-07-01--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President Donald Trump and Vice President Joe Biden

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Donald Trump and former Vice President ( and very possibly future President ) Joe Biden .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guests are President Donald Trump and Vice President Joe Biden .
Sleepy Joe .
I , Donald J. Trump resurrected him from the dead .
That ’ s the headline tonight on Fox News .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the same reason I don ’ t eat out of a toilet .
Trumpster .
The coronavirus is out of control and you just jeopardized the lives of 7,000 Rubes who were at your campaign rally in Tulsa .
The rally was a bust .
The auditorium seats 19,000 .
Lie number 21,000 .
Trump is so stupid , he puts his watch in the bank to save time .
Leftist radicals are taking over our streets .
Biden is weak and mentally incapacitated .
The sky is falling .
Annie thing you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Vice President Biden .
Why should you be elected ?
I am fighting for the middle of the road , a little toad .
I mean a commode .
Bottom line , I would make a helluva Vice President .
You were the Vice President .
No .
This is the only time he told the truth .
Trumpster .
You recently went to Phoenix for a rally and snubbed the mayor ’ s mandate of wearing a mask .
You told your supporters that you wanted to see their faces .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ disappeared like my ex-wives .
Just disappeared .
Like you will in November .
Hey , there are over 2 million people that have tested positive for coronavirus .
People are working again .
I ’ m a stable genius .
The stock market is soaring .
Wall Street loves me .
And Main Street hates you .
Unemployment at an all-time high , millions uninsured , the coronavirus out of control and racial discrimination worse than ever since you became president .
Now you want to get rid of Obamacare in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 20 million people without health insurance .
I will give them better insurance .
It ’ s called Lysol .
Just drink a cup and it will clean out your insides .
The only side effect is it may kill you .
But what do you have to lose ?
Breaking News : Mexico agreed to pay for Trump ’ s impeachment last Janaury .
Then I support him , too .
What Melanoma ?
!
You must be ill. Do you know who I am ?
You cheat .
On me , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t know who father is .
He locked in room because he only speak Slovenian .
Are you willing to testify before Congress ?
Yes .
I vill save country .
Write new book Granddaughter of Dracula , Wife of Frankenstein .
$ 24.99 Simon and Schuster .
I snuck your parents over here .
Gave them forged passports .
I ’ m the most illegal person you ’ ll ever know .
You and I finished .
You suck .
This is end .
What about Barron ?
Do I get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to know it all , how come you don ’ t know you ’ re a dumb ass ?
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Donald Trump and former Vice President (and very possibly future President) Joe Biden.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are President Donald Trump and Vice President Joe Biden.
JERRY
Good morning, fellas.
DONALD TRUMP
Sleepy Joe. I, Donald J. Trump resurrected him from the dead. That’s the headline tonight on Fox News.
JOE BIDEN
I don’t watch Fox for the same reason I don’t eat out of a toilet.
JERRY
Trumpster. The coronavirus is out of control and you just jeopardized the lives of 7,000 Rubes who were at your campaign rally in Tulsa. The rally was a bust. The auditorium seats 19,000.
TRUMP
Fake camera coverage by the media. A million people requested tickets.
BIDEN
Lie number 21,000. Trump is so stupid, he puts his watch in the bank to save time.
TRUMP
Leftist radicals are taking over our streets. Biden is weak and mentally incapacitated. The sky is falling.
BIDEN
Knock, knock, Trumpster.
TRUMP
Who’s there?
BIDEN
Annie.
TRUMP
Annie who?
BIDEN
Annie thing you can do, I can do better.
JERRY
Vice President Biden. Why should you be elected?
BIDEN
I am fighting for the middle of the road, a little toad. I mean a commode. Bottom line, I would make a helluva Vice President.
TRUMP
You were the Vice President.
BIDEN
Smart Aleck. You’re lying again.
JERRY
No. This is the only time he told the truth.
BIDEN
Can I call a lifeline?
JERRY
Trumpster. You recently went to Phoenix for a rally and snubbed the mayor’s mandate of wearing a mask. You told your supporters that you wanted to see their faces.
TRUMP
The corona virus is gone. It disappeared like my ex-wives. Just disappeared.
JERRY
Like you will in November. Hey, there are over 2 million people that have tested positive for coronavirus.
TRUMP
People are working again. I’m a stable genius. The stock market is soaring. Wall Street loves me.
BIDEN
And Main Street hates you. Unemployment at an all-time high, millions uninsured, the coronavirus out of control and racial discrimination worse than ever since you became president. Now you want to get rid of Obamacare in the middle of a pandemic that could leave 20 million people without health insurance.
TRUMP
I will give them better insurance. It’s called Lysol. Just drink a cup and it will clean out your insides. The only side effect is it may kill you. But what do you have to lose?
BIDEN
Folks. The man is dangerous.
JERRY
Breaking News: Mexico agreed to pay for Trump’s impeachment last Janaury.
Melania Trump bursts through the studio door.
MELANIA TRUMP
And biggest news. I support Joe Biden for president.
BIDEN
Then I support him, too.
TRUMP
What Melanoma?! You must be ill. Do you know who I am?
MELANIA
You cheat. On me, income tax, business. Barron don’t know who father is. He locked in room because he only speak Slovenian.
JERRY
Are you willing to testify before Congress?
MELANIA
Yes. I vill save country. Write new book Granddaughter of Dracula, Wife of Frankenstein. $24.99 Simon and Schuster.
TRUMP
I snuck your parents over here. Gave them forged passports. I’m the most illegal person you’ll ever know.
MELANIA
You and I finished. You suck. This is end.
TRUMP
What about Barron? Do I get joint custody?
JERRY
For someone who pretends to know it all, how come you don’t know you’re a dumb ass? See you tomorrow everyone.