humortimes--2020-04-30--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Dr. Deborah Birx, Coronavirus Response Coordinator

Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is Coronavirus Response Coordinator for the Trump Administration Dr. Deborah Burps .
Get a sense of humor , Doc .
A burp is just a fart that took the elevator .
This must be a mistake .
I ’ m supposed to be on Dr. Phil .
Dr. Ruth ?
She ’ s so old , Jurassic Park brought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Duncan .
I ’ ll stay .
If I can survive Trump , I can survive anything .
Birxster .
I think it ’ s scary that doctors call what they do “ practice.
” To be fair , I always tell my patients that crowded elevators smell different to midgets .
You ’ re 63 years old .
Buy your clothes at garage sales and you were a colonel in the Army for 14 years .
Don ’ t tell my mother .
She thinks I played piano at Nordstrom .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ your hands constantly to avoid getting the coronavirus .
But Trump said we should try an injection of Lysol into our lungs .
Trump ’ s correct .
THE VIRUS DIES AND SO DO WE !
!
It ’ s a good thing I was wearing Depends when he made the remark .
Trump said today that he was just being sarcastic .
What he meant to say was ethanol , not Lysol .
Good .
For a second I was worried .
Trump should try it .
What does he got to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Depression levels .
People need to go back to work .
What are your recommendations ?
We need more testing before that can happen safely .
Except in the states that don ’ t believe in science like Georgia , Florida , Arkansas , etc .
Go for it Republican Governors .
People want tattoos and haircuts .
The Federal government hasn ’ t ordered enough test kits .
The Trumpster is unwilling to get involved with testing and said states are on their own .
It ’ s a free for all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ always say where there is a will , there is a relative .
Don ’ t worry .
Ethanol .
Ethanol .
Made from corn .
Corn flakes are packed with protein .
Good for lungs .
Good for lungs .
Hold on there , Orangutan .
Ethanol is used for gasoline .
Your daily briefings are full of misinformation .
For your information .
Ethanol is also used in alcohol .
That ’ s why Mitch McConnell drank it as a preventative measure .
And what happened to the Turtle ?
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The bad news is they can ’ t find the rest of him .
No worries .
No worries .
The economy is in the crapper .
There is a bill in Congress with bipartisan support for the Federal government to reimburse states $ 500 billion as a bailout .
Are you in favor ?
Let me ask Deborah .
( menacing look ) What do you think Dr. B ?
Let the blue states eat cake !
They need to declare bankruptcy .
No money for small businesses , no medicaid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , counties and testing for coronavirus .
There you have it , Duncan .
And let me add one more thing .
No oversight by the FDA .
Why are you crying ?
I lied .
The Trumpster made me say these things .
He only wants to bail out casinos , the cruise ship industry , oil companies , airlines and Trump hotels .
Drink chlorine , hydroxychloroquine , Clorox and snake oil liniment .
Kills the virus .
Kills the virus .
Deborah , your glasses are so thick that when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the letters waving .
You ’ re fired !
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Dr. Deborah Birx, Coronavirus Response Coordinator.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Coronavirus Response Coordinator for the Trump Administration Dr. Deborah Burps.
DR. DEBORAH BIRX
It’s pronounced Birx.
JERRY
Get a sense of humor, Doc. A burp is just a fart that took the elevator.
BIRX
This must be a mistake. I’m supposed to be on Dr. Phil.
JERRY
He’s not really a doctor.
BIRX
Oh? Maybe it’s Dr. Ruth.
JERRY
Dr. Ruth? She’s so old, Jurassic Park brought back memories of her youth.
BIRX
Okay, Duncan. I’ll stay. If I can survive Trump, I can survive anything.
JERRY
Birxster. I think it’s scary that doctors call what they do “practice.”
BIRX
To be fair, I always tell my patients that crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
JERRY
You’re 63 years old. Buy your clothes at garage sales and you were a colonel in the Army for 14 years.
BIRX
Don’t tell my mother. She thinks I played piano at Nordstrom.
JERRY
The CDC recommends social distancing and washing your hands constantly to avoid getting the coronavirus. But Trump said we should try an injection of Lysol into our lungs.
BIRX
Trump’s correct. THE VIRUS DIES AND SO DO WE!! It’s a good thing I was wearing Depends when he made the remark.
JERRY
Trump said today that he was just being sarcastic. What he meant to say was ethanol, not Lysol.
BIRX
Good. For a second I was worried. Trump should try it. What does he got to lose?
JERRY
Unemployment has reached The Great Depression levels. People need to go back to work. What are your recommendations?
BIRX
We need more testing before that can happen safely. Except in the states that don’t believe in science like Georgia, Florida, Arkansas, etc. Go for it Republican Governors. People want tattoos and haircuts.
JERRY
The Federal government hasn’t ordered enough test kits. The Trumpster is unwilling to get involved with testing and said states are on their own. It’s a free for all, Birxster.
BIRX
Mr. Duncan. I always say where there is a will, there is a relative. Don’t worry.
The studio door slams shut as Trump enters.
DONALD TRUMP
Ethanol. Ethanol. Made from corn. Corn flakes are packed with protein. Good for lungs. Good for lungs.
JERRY
Hold on there, Orangutan. Ethanol is used for gasoline. Your daily briefings are full of misinformation.
TRUMP
For your information. Ethanol is also used in alcohol. That’s why Mitch McConnell drank it as a preventative measure.
JERRY
And what happened to the Turtle?
TRUMP
The good news is they found his shell. The bad news is they can’t find the rest of him. No worries. No worries.
JERRY
The economy is in the crapper. There is a bill in Congress with bipartisan support for the Federal government to reimburse states $500 billion as a bailout. Are you in favor?
TRUMP
Let me ask Deborah.
TRUMP
(menacing look) What do you think Dr. B?
BIRX
Let the blue states eat cake! They need to declare bankruptcy. No money for small businesses, no medicaid, no money for schools, cities, counties and testing for coronavirus.
TRUMP
There you have it, Duncan. And let me add one more thing. No oversight by the FDA.
BIRX
(cries)
Boo hoo. Boo hoo.
JERRY
Why are you crying?
BIRX
I lied. The Trumpster made me say these things. He only wants to bail out casinos, the cruise ship industry, oil companies, airlines and Trump hotels.
TRUMP
Drink chlorine, hydroxychloroquine, Clorox and snake oil liniment. Kills the virus. Kills the virus. Deborah, your glasses are so thick that when you look at your reports you see the letters waving. You’re fired!
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-04-30--Nancy: An Old Character Revived by a New Cartoonist

Eight-year-old Nancy started her cartoon life as a bit player in Ernie Bushmiller ’ s Fritzi Ritz comic strip , but she was so popular with readers—and with Bushmiller— that she eventually took over the strip .
Then , after Bushmiller ’ s death , the strip ’ s circulation slowly slipped away .
And now , it ’ s growing by leaps thanks to its new illuminator , Olivia Jaimes .
Nancy , a slot-nosed frizzy-haired little girl with a fireplug physique , arrived in the strip on January 2,1933 .
Bushmiller said that he ’ d planned to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so and then “ dump her , ” as he said , “ —but the little dickens was soon stealing the show , ” and in 1938 , Bushmiller surrendered to the obvious , and on October 30 , he renamed the strip after the interloper .
By then , Fritzi had pretty much faded from sight .
Bushmiller did the strip until he died August 15 , 1982 ( albeit assisted in the last years by Will Johnson ) .
Nancy was then continued by several other cartoonists .
The Sunday Nancy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ; the daily , by Mark Lasko ( August 29 , 1982 – July 9 , 1983 ) ; then Jerry Scott , the co-creator of Zits and Baby Blues , took it all on ( July 11 , 1983 – September 2 , 1995 ) until it was taken over by Guy ( and Brad ) Gilchrist ( September 3 , 1995 – February 18 , 2018 ) with Guy eventually the sole author until he stepped down in February 2018 .
Gilchrist ’ s last strip was a Sunday , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ appeared only occasionally through the years since 1933 , married , finally , her long-suffering beau , Phil Phumble , who looks pretty much the way you ’ d expect with a name like that .
He ’ s an authentic nebbish whose luck with the statuesque Fritzi gives hope to all us nebbishes .
After a two-month hiatus ( reruns ? )
, Nancy returned with the byline Olivia Jaimes , a pen name , on April 9 , 2018 , marking the first ( and only , so far ) time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cartoonist of the same gender persuasion , who will doubtless offer a “ 21st-century female perspective , ” says John Glynn , president and editorial director of Andrews McMeel , the distributing syndicate .
“ Nancy has been my favorite sassy grouch for a long time , ” Jaimes said in a syndicate release .
“ I ’ m excited to be sassy and grouchy through her voice instead of just mine , and I can complain to the whole world about things that bother me instead of just to my friends and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ peaked during the 1970s , running in about 880 newspapers , before slipping to just 79 on the eve of Gilchrist ’ s departure .
The most controversial of Nancy ’ s run was Scott ’ s : he “ modernized ” the appearance of the characters , and faithful readers didn ’ t warm to the new , more abstracted look .
But when Jaimes came aboard and altered the fundamental nature of the strip , applause broke out in hundreds of thousands—mostly among new fans .
Since Jaimes has been doing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has doubled , to 156 at last official ( “ syndicate ” ) count .
And still counting .
The strip enjoys a unique fandom among some professional cartoonists , who hold up examples of the strip at midcentury as a apogee of formal minimalism , giving Nancy a cult status , which is celebrated in the recent book , How to Read Nancy : The Elements of Comics in Three Easy Panels , by Paul Karasik and Mark Newgarden .
“ There ’ s something warm and silly and magical in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ body language , ” Glynn said to Michael Cavna at the Washington Post ’ s Comics Riffs .
“ Olivia is channeling Ernie Bushmiller while giving it her own unique , 21st-century voice .
I think the fates led us to Olivia , ” he added about Jaimes , who previously worked in webcomics .
“ She ’ s got the gift.
” Not everyone agrees , and Jaimes is getting feedback accordingly .
Older ( lifelong ) fans aren ’ t quite so sure about the new Nancy , and social media @ @ @ @ @ @ @ old fans and new .
“ Olivia must be channeling her inner Bushmiller , ” wrote one positive commenter on the syndicate ’ s website .
Another noted how Jaimes nods to the comic ’ s tradition even while including modern touches , writing : “ It is refreshing to see a return to its original style and humor.
” And wrote another : “ Nancy Goes Millennial.
” Others have not been as pleased .
One critic wrote : “ This is ridiculous .
You ’ d never catch Ernie Bushmiller doing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back , Ernie !
” Another reader said to the Washington Post , “ Since the characters have not aged in 85 years I don ’ t think it ’ s necessary to change them now.
” Jaimes had forewarned readers that her version of the strip would bring technological change .
Now , she says , “ Nancy ’ s going to use all the social media and technology I use .
People will be able to figure out exactly how behind the times I am by watching what apps she ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , who is in her 20s .
“ It took me until last month to try Spotify , so that should give you an idea of where I ’ m at.
” Several weeks into her Nancy , how did she feel about the massive reaction — did all the feedback affect her ?
“ It ’ s exciting , but since I ’ ve also been avoiding the Internet a lot lately , it ’ s not changed my approach or perspective much , ” said Jaimes , adding that she hasn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and has stayed off all social media since her launch .
Jaimes brings a love for the vintage Bushmiller work to her Nancy , Glynn says , but with a voice that he hopes will resonate today .
Overnight , Nancy was more irreverent and modern , at home in the world of cell-phones and the Internet .
One of Jaimes ’ early strips ( Labor Day , 2018 ) asserted that Sluggo , Nancy ’ s friend from the other side of the tracks , was “ lit , ” deploying a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” ( more or less ) .
That strip and the rest of Jaimes ’ first nine months are reprinted in Nancy ( 144 8×8-inch pages , color ; 2019 United Feature Syndicate , $ 14.99 ) , which includes an introduction by Nancy ’ s editor , Shena Wolf , an appreciation by Hilary B .
Price ( Rhymes with Orange comic strip ) , a November 2018 interview with Jaimes , published initially on Vulture.com , and some “ fan art ” of Nancy drawn by Jaimes ( who also includes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ) .
Most articles about the Jaimes Nancy make much of the cartoonist being the first woman to draw the strip in its 82-year run .
This , of course , is feminist folderol .
We can ’ t know for sure who “ Olivia Jaimes ” is : a man could have a female pen name .
( But probably , in this case , not . )
Jaimes made a “ live ” appearance at the Cartoon Crossroads Columbus event a year or so ago , but she went to great @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a scarf , and dark glasses .
Dunno if she was wearing a dress or slacks , but her disguise would have concealed the vital fact of her gender regardless .
Jaimes ’ Nancy is , as the cartoonist says in the Vulture.com interview , “ a total jerk and also gluttonous and also has big feelings and voraciously consumes her world.
” Her Nancy is wholely unapologetic .
If she sleeps late or eats too much bread and starts thinking she ’ s “ the worst person in the world , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what ?
Who cares ?
I don ’ t care.
” She wants “ to grab life by the shoulders and shake it violently.
” Sluggo , on the other hand—Nancy ’ s lifelong companion and annoyance—is “ more passive and more go-with-the-flow.
” Jaimes has introduced a raft of new characters—Nancy ’ s teacher , a classmate , and more—and Aunt Fritzi has been revived to assume a conspicuous role .
( Fritzi , oddly , isn ’ t married in the Jaimes incarnation : Gilchrist ’ s final gesture apparently didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cartoonist is producing an increasingly popular comic strip , and she surely knows her craft , but not to hear her tell it : “ The writing of Nancy and the drawing of Nancy are such different skills for me , ” she said .
Most cartoonists realize that “ writing ” and “ drawing ” are one and the same in cartooning .
Jaimes doesn ’ t .
Yet .
But her work shows she instinctively understands .
Jaimes ’ Nancy is highly visual : the gags , as they did with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ visual element .
Bushmiller reportedly conjured up gags by browsing the Montgomery Ward catalogue , stopping frequently to ponder how a shovel or a striped sweater could be made into a gag .
Now , we hang a brief gallery of Jaimes ’ strip to show how masterfully she ’ s mastered the medium— apparently without knowing it .

Funnies Farrago on Nancy
Eight-year-old Nancy started her cartoon life as a bit player in Ernie Bushmiller’s Fritzi Ritz comic strip, but she was so popular with readers—and with Bushmiller— that she eventually took over the strip. Then, after Bushmiller’s death, the strip’s circulation slowly slipped away. And now, it’s growing by leaps thanks to its new illuminator, Olivia Jaimes.
Nancy, a slot-nosed frizzy-haired little girl with a fireplug physique, arrived in the strip on January 2,1933. Bushmiller said that he’d planned to keep her around for a week or so and then “dump her,” as he said, “—but the little dickens was soon stealing the show,” and in 1938, Bushmiller surrendered to the obvious, and on October 30, he renamed the strip after the interloper. By then, Fritzi had pretty much faded from sight.
Bushmiller did the strip until he died August 15, 1982 (albeit assisted in the last years by Will Johnson). Nancy was then continued by several other cartoonists. The Sunday Nancy was produced by Al Plastino until 1984; the daily, by Mark Lasko (August 29, 1982 – July 9, 1983); then Jerry Scott, the co-creator of Zits and Baby Blues, took it all on (July 11, 1983 – September 2, 1995) until it was taken over by Guy (and Brad) Gilchrist (September 3, 1995 – February 18, 2018) with Guy eventually the sole author until he stepped down in February 2018.
Gilchrist’s last strip was a Sunday, and that day, Fritzi, who had appeared only occasionally through the years since 1933, married, finally, her long-suffering beau, Phil Phumble, who looks pretty much the way you’d expect with a name like that. He’s an authentic nebbish whose luck with the statuesque Fritzi gives hope to all us nebbishes.
After a two-month hiatus (reruns?), Nancy returned with the byline Olivia Jaimes, a pen name, on April 9, 2018, marking the first (and only, so far) time that Nancy has been rendered by a cartoonist of the same gender persuasion, who will doubtless offer a “21st-century female perspective,” says John Glynn, president and editorial director of Andrews McMeel, the distributing syndicate.
“Nancy has been my favorite sassy grouch for a long time,” Jaimes said in a syndicate release. “I’m excited to be sassy and grouchy through her voice instead of just mine, and I can complain to the whole world about things that bother me instead of just to my friends and family.”
The strip’s circulation peaked during the 1970s, running in about 880 newspapers, before slipping to just 79 on the eve of Gilchrist’s departure. The most controversial of Nancy’s run was Scott’s: he “modernized” the appearance of the characters, and faithful readers didn’t warm to the new, more abstracted look. But when Jaimes came aboard and altered the fundamental nature of the strip, applause broke out in hundreds of thousands—mostly among new fans. Since Jaimes has been doing Nancy, the number of subscribing newspapers has doubled, to 156 at last official (“syndicate”) count. And still counting.
The strip enjoys a unique fandom among some professional cartoonists, who hold up examples of the strip at midcentury as a apogee of formal minimalism, giving Nancy a cult status, which is celebrated in the recent book, How to Read Nancy: The Elements of Comics in Three Easy Panels, by Paul Karasik and Mark Newgarden.
“There’s something warm and silly and magical in the facial expressions, the rhythm and the body language,” Glynn said to Michael Cavna at the Washington Post’s Comics Riffs. “Olivia is channeling Ernie Bushmiller while giving it her own unique, 21st-century voice. I think the fates led us to Olivia,” he added about Jaimes, who previously worked in webcomics. “She’s got the gift.”
Not everyone agrees, and Jaimes is getting feedback accordingly. Older (lifelong) fans aren’t quite so sure about the new Nancy, and social media has been a hotbed of controversy between old fans and new.
“Olivia must be channeling her inner Bushmiller,” wrote one positive commenter on the syndicate’s website. Another noted how Jaimes nods to the comic’s tradition even while including modern touches, writing: “It is refreshing to see a return to its original style and humor.” And wrote another: “Nancy Goes Millennial.”
Others have not been as pleased. One critic wrote: “This is ridiculous. You’d never catch Ernie Bushmiller doing a joke about Snap Chat. Bring back, Ernie!” Another reader said to the Washington Post, “Since the characters have not aged in 85 years I don’t think it’s necessary to change them now.”
Jaimes had forewarned readers that her version of the strip would bring technological change. Now, she says, “Nancy’s going to use all the social media and technology I use. People will be able to figure out exactly how behind the times I am by watching what apps she’s using,” continued, Jaimes, who is in her 20s. “It took me until last month to try Spotify, so that should give you an idea of where I’m at.”
Several weeks into her Nancy, how did she feel about the massive reaction — did all the feedback affect her?
“It’s exciting, but since I’ve also been avoiding the Internet a lot lately, it’s not changed my approach or perspective much,” said Jaimes, adding that she hasn’t yet seen the reader comments and has stayed off all social media since her launch.
Jaimes brings a love for the vintage Bushmiller work to her Nancy, Glynn says, but with a voice that he hopes will resonate today.
Overnight, Nancy was more irreverent and modern, at home in the world of cell-phones and the Internet. One of Jaimes’ early strips (Labor Day, 2018) asserted that Sluggo, Nancy’s friend from the other side of the tracks, was “lit,” deploying a scrap of jargon that means “exciting” (more or less).
That strip and the rest of Jaimes’ first nine months are reprinted in Nancy (144 8×8-inch pages, color; 2019 United Feature Syndicate, $14.99), which includes an introduction by Nancy’s editor, Shena Wolf, an appreciation by Hilary B. Price (Rhymes with Orange comic strip), a November 2018 interview with Jaimes, published initially on Vulture.com, and some “fan art” of Nancy drawn by Jaimes (who also includes a self-portrait, which is slyly unrevealing).
Most articles about the Jaimes Nancy make much of the cartoonist being the first woman to draw the strip in its 82-year run. This, of course, is feminist folderol. We can’t know for sure who “Olivia Jaimes” is: a man could have a female pen name. (But probably, in this case, not.)
Jaimes made a “live” appearance at the Cartoon Crossroads Columbus event a year or so ago, but she went to great lengths to disguise herself—wearing a hoodie, a scarf, and dark glasses. Dunno if she was wearing a dress or slacks, but her disguise would have concealed the vital fact of her gender regardless.
Jaimes’ Nancy is, as the cartoonist says in the Vulture.com interview, “a total jerk and also gluttonous and also has big feelings and voraciously consumes her world.” Her Nancy is wholely unapologetic. If she sleeps late or eats too much bread and starts thinking she’s “the worst person in the world,” her next thought is, “So what? Who cares? I don’t care.”
She wants “to grab life by the shoulders and shake it violently.” Sluggo, on the other hand—Nancy’s lifelong companion and annoyance—is “more passive and more go-with-the-flow.”
Jaimes has introduced a raft of new characters—Nancy’s teacher, a classmate, and more—and Aunt Fritzi has been revived to assume a conspicuous role. (Fritzi, oddly, isn’t married in the Jaimes incarnation: Gilchrist’s final gesture apparently didn’t “take.”)
The cartoonist is producing an increasingly popular comic strip, and she surely knows her craft, but not to hear her tell it: “The writing of Nancy and the drawing of Nancy are such different skills for me,” she said.
Most cartoonists realize that “writing” and “drawing” are one and the same in cartooning. Jaimes doesn’t. Yet. But her work shows she instinctively understands.
Jaimes’ Nancy is highly visual: the gags, as they did with Bushmiller, almost always depend upon some visual element. Bushmiller reportedly conjured up gags by browsing the Montgomery Ward catalogue, stopping frequently to ponder how a shovel or a striped sweater could be made into a gag.
Now, we hang a brief gallery of Jaimes’ strip to show how masterfully she’s mastered the medium— apparently without knowing it.


humortimes--2020-04-30--What’s the Gimmick in Trump’s Plan to ‘Rescue’ the Public Postal Service?

Of all the things the brooding madman in the White House might focus on during a pandemic , hijacking our public postal service has become his priority .
One thing we ’ ve learned for sure this year is that no national crisis is too awful to keep Trump & Company from exploiting it for their plutocratic political purposes .
Obviously , COVID-19 is a god-awful crisis , having killed more than 55,000 Americans so far while also killing most of the U.S. economy .
It couldn ’ t be worse .
But late one night , deep inside the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in our present president ’ s head : “ Eureka , ” Donald Trump exclaimed , “ here ’ s our chance to kill the U.S. post office !
” Yes , of all the things this brooding madman might focus on during a devastating pandemic , hijacking our public postal service , bankrupting it and then privatizing its profitable functions has become a top priority for him .
Bizarrely , Trump has long been fixated on and flustered by matters of postal management .
Specifically , he rants that the post office @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to ship packages , and he bemoans the fact that postal workers are unionized and earn middle-class wages .
In February , with our economy collapsing under the weight of COVID-19 , Trump struck .
Like nearly every business , the Postal Service had suffered a crushing loss of customers and needed emergency funding to keep America ’ s mail moving .
Congress quickly proposed a bipartisan $ 13 billion postal lifeline as part of its $ 2 trillion national rescue package .
But that gave our personally piqued president the rope he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he said , threatening to kill the whole bill if it included a grant to save the public post office .
The U.S. mail service , however , is enormously popular and an essential part of our nation ’ s economic and social infrastructure , so Trump can ’ t just blatantly choke off its survival funds .
Instead , he ’ s taking the agency hostage , offering to provide a $ 10 billion “ loan ” from the Treasury Department — contingent on the public entity agreeing to his draconian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gut postal unions and cut postal services .
Trump ’ s provisos are postal poison pills , for they would destroy the agency ’ s morale and service , undermine popular support , and clear the political path for profiteering corporations to seize , privatize and plunder this public treasure .
Here ’ s how I feel about the value of our nation ’ s postal service : “ The humble Post Office is a community fixture , a civic inheritance , a rural lifeline , and one of the last vestiges of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Tolerate it , treasure it , and don ’ t let the vicissitudes of global capitalism , contempt for government , or a viral outbreak take it away.
” Those are my sentiments but not my words .
They ’ re from an April 17 article in The American Conservative magazine that calls on people of all political persuasions to save this vital public institution .
The men and women of the postal service have been steadfast in their duties , especially in times of national emergencies such as wars , financial crashes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ American people .
In today ’ s terrible pandemic , as corporate executives and government officials shut their doors , some 600,000 of these workers have kept communication and commerce flowing .
No matter who you are , how rich or poor , living in teeming inner cities or isolated rural reaches , postal employees are on the job so you and I can get our mail , medicine , food , household necessities , election ballots and other basics brought right to our doors .
A stamp is cheap , yet the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ postal workforce can be high — for example , about 1,200 of them have been infected by COVID-19 , and at least 44 have died .
Yet , the entire public system is now under direct attack by an outbreak of Trumpista vitriolitus , an inexplicable form of personal animosity emanating from the White House .
By controlling a $ 10 billion line of credit the post office must have to get through the current coronavirus depression , Trump is demanding cuts in wages , benefits and rights from our stalwart postal workers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ; and the right to raise postal rates .
To help stop Trump ’ s power play to set himself up as America ’ s postal potentate and privatizer in chief , get information and campaign resources from the American Postal Workers Union and visit USMailNotForSale.org .

Of all the things the brooding madman in the White House might focus on during a pandemic, hijacking our public postal service has become his priority.
One thing we’ve learned for sure this year is that no national crisis is too awful to keep Trump & Company from exploiting it for their plutocratic political purposes.
Obviously, COVID-19 is a god-awful crisis, having killed more than 55,000 Americans so far while also killing most of the U.S. economy. It couldn’t be worse. But late one night, deep inside the White House, a dim bulb flickered in our present president’s head: “Eureka,” Donald Trump exclaimed, “here’s our chance to kill the U.S. post office!”
Yes, of all the things this brooding madman might focus on during a devastating pandemic, hijacking our public postal service, bankrupting it and then privatizing its profitable functions has become a top priority for him. Bizarrely, Trump has long been fixated on and flustered by matters of postal management. Specifically, he rants that the post office should charge higher prices for us customers to ship packages, and he bemoans the fact that postal workers are unionized and earn middle-class wages.
In February, with our economy collapsing under the weight of COVID-19, Trump struck. Like nearly every business, the Postal Service had suffered a crushing loss of customers and needed emergency funding to keep America’s mail moving. Congress quickly proposed a bipartisan $13 billion postal lifeline as part of its $2 trillion national rescue package. But that gave our personally piqued president the rope he needed to throttle the agency. No, he said, threatening to kill the whole bill if it included a grant to save the public post office.
The U.S. mail service, however, is enormously popular and an essential part of our nation’s economic and social infrastructure, so Trump can’t just blatantly choke off its survival funds. Instead, he’s taking the agency hostage, offering to provide a $10 billion “loan” from the Treasury Department — contingent on the public entity agreeing to his draconian demands that it raise postal prices, gut postal unions and cut postal services.
Trump’s provisos are postal poison pills, for they would destroy the agency’s morale and service, undermine popular support, and clear the political path for profiteering corporations to seize, privatize and plunder this public treasure.
Here’s how I feel about the value of our nation’s postal service: “The humble Post Office is a community fixture, a civic inheritance, a rural lifeline, and one of the last vestiges of a shared civic culture in America. Tolerate it, treasure it, and don’t let the vicissitudes of global capitalism, contempt for government, or a viral outbreak take it away.”
Those are my sentiments but not my words. They’re from an April 17 article in The American Conservative magazine that calls on people of all political persuasions to save this vital public institution.
The men and women of the postal service have been steadfast in their duties, especially in times of national emergencies such as wars, financial crashes and plagues, literally delivering for the American people. In today’s terrible pandemic, as corporate executives and government officials shut their doors, some 600,000 of these workers have kept communication and commerce flowing. No matter who you are, how rich or poor, living in teeming inner cities or isolated rural reaches, postal employees are on the job so you and I can get our mail, medicine, food, household necessities, election ballots and other basics brought right to our doors. A stamp is cheap, yet the wear, tear and cost of the postal workforce can be high — for example, about 1,200 of them have been infected by COVID-19, and at least 44 have died.
Yet, the entire public system is now under direct attack by an outbreak of Trumpista vitriolitus, an inexplicable form of personal animosity emanating from the White House. By controlling a $10 billion line of credit the post office must have to get through the current coronavirus depression, Trump is demanding cuts in wages, benefits and rights from our stalwart postal workers; authority over hiring top postal officials; and the right to raise postal rates.
To help stop Trump’s power play to set himself up as America’s postal potentate and privatizer in chief, get information and campaign resources from the American Postal Workers Union and visit USMailNotForSale.org.


humortimes--2020-04-30--Newly Discovered Book of the Bible Reveals that God Created Mankind as a Joke

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Exclusive Report : This discovery may upend current theories as to the reason that God created mankind .
Bishop Goobah Duste , head of the Church of Slobovia Historical Foundation and Professor Emeritus of Thrxanytytre at the University of Assewippe , has recently led an expedition to the Sea of Crappe and recovered the long-sunken treasure ship of the famed Schnotzelvakian pirate , Sir Francis Cesspoole .
The discovery may upend current theories as to the reason that God @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was the original manuscript of the long sought after lost book of the Bible known as “ The Book of Ugghhg.
” The book has been touted as the definitive record of the creation and was thought to be written by “ one who witnessed the creation.
” Also found were a couple other lost books that never made it into the Bible : The Book of Rufe and The Book of Phftt .
Bishop Duste dismissed the Book of Rufe as being nothing more than a cheap Sumerian pulp magazine with instructions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a chariot wheel and how to raise the dead .
He stated that the Book of Phftt was nothing more than an Alexander the Great joke book , which includes such gems as : “ What did Alexander the Great say when he saw the Persians ?
” “ Hi , Persians !
” “ What did Alexander The Great say when he saw the Persians wearing sunglasses ?
” “ Nothing , he didn ’ t recognize them.
” Bishop Duste states that most of what is written in the lost Book @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The King James version of the creation .
It begins on the evening of the fifth day after God had created all the birds and the beasts .
He wanted something more , so he called together his creation committee of angels .
The famed archangel Michael had given God the idea to make majestic things like the Eagle , Lions and Tigers .
Another angel named Fat Willie urged God to create chickens , pigs , Collard greens and lard .
According to the book , another angel named Lutha , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his half cousin Lucifer , had snuck back into heaven and talked God into making snakes and polecats .
That night Lutha said to God , “ Hey Boss why don ’ t you create something to make us all laugh all the time ?
” “ Make something so dumb that he ’ ll screw up every thing else that you ’ ve created , and tell this dumb sucker that he ’ s in charge… make two different kinds of this thing , and watch them chase each other around !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ what shall we call this thing ?
” Bishop Duste said the book had been written in ancient Glopzudian and then translated into Slobovian , which could explain a lot .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Exclusive Report: This discovery may upend current theories as to the reason that God created mankind.
Latest in the continuing series: Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network).
Bishop Goobah Duste, head of the Church of Slobovia Historical Foundation and Professor Emeritus of Thrxanytytre at the University of Assewippe, has recently led an expedition to the Sea of Crappe and recovered the long-sunken treasure ship of the famed Schnotzelvakian pirate, Sir Francis Cesspoole. The discovery may upend current theories as to the reason that God created mankind.
Among the treasures discovered was the original manuscript of the long sought after lost book of the Bible known as “The Book of Ugghhg.” The book has been touted as the definitive record of the creation and was thought to be written by “one who witnessed the creation.”
Also found were a couple other lost books that never made it into the Bible: The Book of Rufe and The Book of Phftt.
Bishop Duste dismissed the Book of Rufe as being nothing more than a cheap Sumerian pulp magazine with instructions on such things as how to change a chariot wheel and how to raise the dead. He stated that the Book of Phftt was nothing more than an Alexander the Great joke book, which includes such gems as:
“What did Alexander the Great say when he saw the Persians?” “Hi, Persians!”
“What did Alexander The Great say when he saw the Persians wearing sunglasses?” “Nothing, he didn’t recognize them.”
Bishop Duste states that most of what is written in the lost Book of Ugghg is about the same as The King James version of the creation. It begins on the evening of the fifth day after God had created all the birds and the beasts. He wanted something more, so he called together his creation committee of angels. The famed archangel Michael had given God the idea to make majestic things like the Eagle, Lions and Tigers. Another angel named Fat Willie urged God to create chickens, pigs, Collard greens and lard.
According to the book, another angel named Lutha, who had been tossed out of heaven with his half cousin Lucifer, had snuck back into heaven and talked God into making snakes and polecats. That night Lutha said to God, “Hey Boss why don’t you create something to make us all laugh all the time?”
“What?” asked God.
“Make something so dumb that he’ll screw up every thing else that you’ve created, and tell this dumb sucker that he’s in charge… make two different kinds of this thing, and watch them chase each other around!”
“Yeah,” said God, “what shall we call this thing?”
“Man,” said Lutha.
“What kinda dumb name is that?” replied God.
Bishop Duste said the book had been written in ancient Glopzudian and then translated into Slobovian, which could explain a lot.


humortimes--2020-05-03--What I Will Do Differently Now That 23andMe Says I’m Only 5% Jewish but 45% Italian

Changing a lifetime of behavioral traits won ’ t be easy , but now that 23andMe has revealed the real me… No more jokes about the Mafia , La Cosa Nostra or The Syndicate ; finally make it through The Godfather Part II ; no more poking fun at Marlon Brando ’ s accent .
Embracing Italian wines , I will switch from Manischewitz to Montepulchiano ; learn what makes a “ Super ” Tuscan so terrific ; and remember that Valpolicella is the wine and Velociraptor is the dinosaur ( thereby avoiding embarrassment at Italian restaurants ) .
Rosanno @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will become my mood-setting date-night song , replacing Zero Mostel singing “ If I Were a Rich Man ” ( which probably sent the wrong message , and may account for my lack of success in that department ) .
I will admire Italian painters , from Botticelli to Vermicelli , and appreciate Italian directors , from Fellini to Fettuccini .
( Note to self : learn to distinguish Italian artists from Italian pastas ) .
Speaking of food , I ’ ve always loved pizza .
I will continue to do so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ olives , while keeping the extra cheese ( unless extra cheese is too Jewish ) .
( Note to self : never again request a lox pizza , even in jest . )
I also love soccer .
But I will stop rooting for Nivheret Yisrael and throw my support to Juventus ( great name ! )
.
I will gesture with my hands .
( Caution : I ’ ve always gestured with my hands .
Am I supposed to gesture more or less ? )
( Also , can I still @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ? )
At my children ’ s weddings , no more stepping on light bulbs : Murano glass only !
I will replace the Talmudic imperative – that a father is duty-bound to circumcise his son , find him a wife and teach him how to swim – with the Italian proverb , “ I buoni nuotatori al fin si affogano , ” or “ Good swimmers often drown ” ( or is “ Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes ” more Italian ? )
.
( Speaking of circumcising , anything to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ? )
They say the three most important things in choosing an ethnic identity are “ location , location , location.
” So out goes Jerusalem , in comes Romulus and Remus .
( Note : Although Rome was sacked by the Goths , Visigoths , Ostrogoths , Cyber Goths , and someone named Norman , Jerusalem was captured and recaptured 44 times , besieged 23 times , and destroyed twice .
In short , I like my chances with Rome . )
However , I will keep my Jewish doctor , Jewish @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Italians know that , when it ain ’ t broke , you don ’ t call the Mafia for a Fixer ) ( my last Mafia joke ) .
But there are more things I will give up including : • Annual pilgrimage to temple for Yom Kippur ( though I will miss critiquing the rabbi ’ s sermon , I will not miss the High Holiday appeal ) • Passover Seders ( though I will miss matzah and maror , I prefer pasta and pizza ) • Hanukkah ( I will miss @ @ @ @ @ @ @ being accused of waging a War On Christmas – I like Christmas ) ( as long as it doesn ’ t start its war on me in October ) Which begs the question : Am I Catholic ?
Apparently 80 % of Italy is ; but since 23andMe says I ’ m only 45 % Italian , I have less than a 50 % chance of being part of that 80 % .
So maybe I ’ m still Jewish , like Camillo Olivetti ( the typewriter guy ) or Camilo Giorgi ( @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Scarlett or Emmy ) .
Therefore , please ignore what I wrote above .

Changing a lifetime of behavioral traits won’t be easy, but now that 23andMe has revealed the real me…
No more jokes about the Mafia, La Cosa Nostra or The Syndicate; finally make it through The Godfather Part II; no more poking fun at Marlon Brando’s accent.
Embracing Italian wines, I will switch from Manischewitz to Montepulchiano; learn what makes a “Super” Tuscan so terrific; and remember that Valpolicella is the wine and Velociraptor is the dinosaur (thereby avoiding embarrassment at Italian restaurants).
Rosanno Brazzi singing “Some Enchanted Evening” will become my mood-setting date-night song, replacing Zero Mostel singing “If I Were a Rich Man” (which probably sent the wrong message, and may account for my lack of success in that department).
I will admire Italian painters, from Botticelli to Vermicelli, and appreciate Italian directors, from Fellini to Fettuccini. (Note to self: learn to distinguish Italian artists from Italian pastas).
Speaking of food, I’ve always loved pizza. I will continue to do so, but will now add prosciutto and olives, while keeping the extra cheese (unless extra cheese is too Jewish). (Note to self: never again request a lox pizza, even in jest.)
I also love soccer. But I will stop rooting for Nivheret Yisrael and throw my support to Juventus (great name!).
I will gesture with my hands. (Caution: I’ve always gestured with my hands. Am I supposed to gesture more or less?) (Also, can I still say “gesundheit” after someone sneezes?)
At my children’s weddings, no more stepping on light bulbs: Murano glass only!
I will replace the Talmudic imperative – that a father is duty-bound to circumcise his son, find him a wife and teach him how to swim – with the Italian proverb, “I buoni nuotatori al fin si affogano,” or “Good swimmers often drown” (or is “Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes” more Italian?). (Speaking of circumcising, anything to be done – or undone – there?)
They say the three most important things in choosing an ethnic identity are “location, location, location.” So out goes Jerusalem, in comes Romulus and Remus. (Note: Although Rome was sacked by the Goths, Visigoths, Ostrogoths, Cyber Goths, and someone named Norman, Jerusalem was captured and recaptured 44 times, besieged 23 times, and destroyed twice. In short, I like my chances with Rome.)
However, I will keep my Jewish doctor, Jewish lawyer and Jewish accountant. (We Italians know that, when it ain’t broke, you don’t call the Mafia for a Fixer) (my last Mafia joke). But there are more things I will give up including:
Annual pilgrimage to temple for Yom Kippur (though I will miss critiquing the rabbi’s sermon, I will not miss the High Holiday appeal)
Passover Seders (though I will miss matzah and maror, I prefer pasta and pizza)
Obsessing over Scarlett Johansson and Emmy Rossum
Hanukkah (I will miss the candle lighting, but not miss being accused of waging a War On Christmas – I like Christmas) (as long as it doesn’t start its war on me in October)
Which begs the question: Am I Catholic? Apparently 80% of Italy is; but since 23andMe says I’m only 45% Italian, I have less than a 50% chance of being part of that 80%.
So maybe I’m still Jewish, like Camillo Olivetti (the typewriter guy) or Camilo Giorgi (attractive tennis player) (but no Scarlett or Emmy). Therefore, please ignore what I wrote above.


humortimes--2020-05-03--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Celebrity Martha Stewart

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews businesswoman , author and television personality , Martha Stewart .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
My guest today is entrepreneur Martha Stewart .
She is a businesswoman , author and television personality .
Not me .
Back in 2004 , I spent five months in a Federal correction facility with a bunch of morons .
The good thing .
I learned not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back negative .
Do you know why inmates can ’ t read a clock ?
Duncan .
I don ’ t look back .
My cousin who stutters was sentenced to six months in prison .
That was two years ago and he still hasn ’ t finished a sentence .
You started in business as a youngster .
Yes .
When I was ten , I baby sat for Yankee slugger Mickey Mantle ’ s kids .
I never asked about his personal life .
Let me , help you .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m not a switch hitter .
Got married right out of college to Andrew Stewart .
And you didn ’ t live happily ever after .
Divorced after 29 years , one kid .
Nasty .
People say you ’ re the PMS poster child from hell .
Is that an accurate description ?
Everybody comes to the same conclusion .
It ’ s because of my Polish heritage .
Why ?
Do you have an inferiority complex ?
Just the opposite .
I ’ m a proud Pole .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ septic tanks .
As soon as they learn how to drive them , they are going to invade Russia .
We won ’ t need NATO troops on the border .
So how did you learn to sew and cook ?
My mother .
I made everything from chicken dishes to tacos .
Which reminds me .
May 5 is Cinco de Mayo .
I ’ m making a giant taco for Trump .
It will blow his pants off .
Not a pleasant site , as you can imagine .
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You had your first cookbook published in 1982 .
Then in 1990 developed a new magazine called Martha Stewart Living .
And a long running television show by the same name .
I was rolling in the big bucks .
That ’ s when I got rid of my husband .
I thought I was God and he didn ’ t .
Until I saw Silence of the Lambs .
That ’ s when I called it off .
I kept seeing Hannibal Lecter .
I feared for my life .
It was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what I thought until one night when we were having dinner .
Anthony said , “ Well , Martha , have the Lambs stopped screaming ?
” I went postal .
Hey .
Don ’ t knock postal workers .
They are some of the most innovative people around .
Why do you say that ?
Because they really push the envelope .
What does that mean ?
In 2018 , The Trumpster offered you a pardon .
You refused .
Let me quote from a Tweet .
“ I will not accept @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prosecution was over-zealous , I can ’ t be party to what this country is becoming .
This pardon will ruin my reputation.
” Queen your mouth .
Your breath smells .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews businesswoman, author and television personality, Martha Stewart.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is entrepreneur Martha Stewart. She is a businesswoman, author and television personality.
MARTHA STEWART
And convicted felon for insider trading.
JERRY
Forgot about that.
STEWART
Not me. Back in 2004, I spent five months in a Federal correction facility with a bunch of morons. The good thing. I learned not to argue with people whose IQ came back negative.
JERRY
Do you know why inmates can’t read a clock?
STEWART
No.
JERRY
Cause it’s hard time.
STEWART
Duncan. I don’t look back. My cousin who stutters was sentenced to six months in prison. That was two years ago and he still hasn’t finished a sentence.
JERRY
You started in business as a youngster.
STEWART
Yes. When I was ten, I baby sat for Yankee slugger Mickey Mantle’s kids.
JERRY
Wasn’t Mickey a switch hitter?
STEWART
I never asked about his personal life.
JERRY
Let me, help you. He batted left and right.
STEWART
Whatever. I’m not a switch hitter. Got married right out of college to Andrew Stewart.
JERRY
And you didn’t live happily ever after. Divorced after 29 years, one kid. Nasty. People say you’re the PMS poster child from hell. Is that an accurate description?
STEWART
Everybody comes to the same conclusion. It’s because of my Polish heritage.
JERRY
Why? Do you have an inferiority complex?
STEWART
Just the opposite. I’m a proud Pole. I heard today that Poland just bought 10,000 septic tanks. As soon as they learn how to drive them, they are going to invade Russia. We won’t need NATO troops on the border.
JERRY
So how did you learn to sew and cook?
STEWART
My mother. I made everything from chicken dishes to tacos. Which reminds me. May 5 is Cinco de Mayo. I’m making a giant taco for Trump. It will blow his pants off. Not a pleasant site, as you can imagine.
JERRY
I’m getting chills. Moving on. You had your first cookbook published in 1982. Then in 1990 developed a new magazine called Martha Stewart Living. And a long running television show by the same name.
STEWART
I was rolling in the big bucks. That’s when I got rid of my husband. I thought I was God and he didn’t.
JERRY
So you dated Sir Anthony Hopkins.
STEWART
Until I saw Silence of the Lambs. That’s when I called it off. I kept seeing Hannibal Lecter. I feared for my life.
JERRY
It was just a movie.
STEWART
That’s what I thought until one night when we were having dinner. Anthony said, “Well, Martha, have the Lambs stopped screaming?” I went postal.
JERRY
Hey. Don’t knock postal workers. They are some of the most innovative people around.
STEWART
Why do you say that?
JERRY
Because they really push the envelope.
STEWART
Jestes waiatem.
JERRY
What does that mean?
STEWART
It’s Polish for “You are a lunatic.”
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Meanie Meanster.
JERRY
In 2018, The Trumpster offered you a pardon. You refused. Let me quote from a Tweet. “I will not accept a pardon from Trump. Although my prosecution was over-zealous, I can’t be party to what this country is becoming. This pardon will ruin my reputation.”
STEWART
Yep. I’m hailed as a hero. Call me Queen Martha.
JERRY
Knock, knock.
STEWART
Who’s there?
JERRY
Queen.
STEWART
Queen who?
JERRY
Queen your mouth. Your breath smells. See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-05-04--The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Pages 24-31

The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Pages 24-31

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : It ’ s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all right here !
Jerry moves over to his apartment .
Not now .
I need some time to myself .
I was hoping you ’ d want to know what I ’ m up to since you never have me in your thoughts .
How would you know ?
Don ’ t tell me that .
My head is going to explode .
Calm down .
Your blood pressure is rising @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mrs. Mandel had been giving me her fabulous chopped liver .
It ’ s so delicious that I gained fifteen pounds .
Had no idea chopped liver was so fattening .
Your father said I shouldn ’ t worry about gaining a few pounds .
Fat people are harder to kidnap .
Have you heard about the seafood diet ?
You see the food and you eat it .
I know .
My son the insult comedian .
Your father got hired to work on the wall to keep out the Trump family @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lord to pay for it .
Hey , Mr. Duncan .
That was a really good show with W. If you ever need a co-host… I will .
Thank you for my job and not paying me .
Shame on you for not paying your intern .
But at least he gave her a gift .
( excited ) What can I say ?
Wait until you look at your first check .
Jerry and the intern move over to the radio station .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Intern hands Jerry the microphone .
A silhouette of Woody Allen can be seen pacing back and forth behind the screen .
Yes , you are .
Today on the show my guest is movie director and writer Woody Allen .
Jerry goes behind the screen .
You seem to have anxiety .
I haven ’ t had a bowel movement in three days .
All because my agent told me to do your show .
Smart move .
I ’ ll scare the crap out of you .
Then ask me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I bought her a new wok and she ’ s cooking up a storm .
We eat lots of vegetables and chopped chicken Korean style .
Have you ever tried North Korean food ?
You met Soon-Yi when she was a teenager .
While you were dating her mother Mia Farrow .
I know what you ’ re probably thinking .
I can ’ t invent characters like you , Duncan .
You remind me of my nasty mother Cherry .
For her own amusement , I was blindfolded and shoved in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ later , she pounded on the door and yelled “ Fire .
Everyone out of the house.
” My dysfunctional family .
When I was ten , they moved to Brooklyn .
When I was twelve , I found them .
When did you realize that you were funny ?
After being kicked out of college , I started writing jokes .
Some television shows bought them and I eventually got a job writing scripts .
I had to .
Women were knocking on my door to get in show biz .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like some marijuana ?
No .
I ’ ll wait until our interview is over , so I can jump off a bridge .
Tell me about Diane Keaton .
Diane was bulimic .
A barfer .
Very nervous like me .
After we ’ d make love , she ’ d throw up .
I asked my shrink , Was it me ?
Was it her ?
Was she thinking about Groucho Marx ?
Hey , Woody .
What does Diane call two fingers ?
Diane was in some of my movies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I won an Academy Award for Best Screenplay and Best Director .
You starred in many of the films you wrote .
Yes .
Bananas , Crimes and Misdemeanors and Take The Money and Run .
Sounds like the Harvey Weinstein story .
Do you have hobbies ?
I play clarinet every Monday evening at the Carlyle Hotel in New York City .
Clarinet ?
That instrument is for geeks .
I know .
I leave it on my dashboard so I can get handicap parking .
This is a political show .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ asking what you think of Trump .
He ’ s a bully .
Like the jerk that stuffed me in a locker when I was in high school .
The guy that kicked sand in my face at the beach .
The douche bag that called me names like stupid , four eyes , ugly and freak when I was in elementary school .
That ’ s okay .
Six of the seven dwarfs are not Happy .
Hey , I hear you do magic .
Yes .
I ’ m going to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
What ’ s that stick you just pulled out of your back pocket ?
It ’ s a magic wand .
Let me show you how it works .
Woody walks up to Jerry .
Puts the wand on his head .
I ’ m going to tap three time on your empty head .
Close your eyes and count to three .
The sound of a wood block is heard to each count .
One , two , three .
You ’ re so tall .
And I ’ m so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bunch of arms ?
I turned you into a cockroach .
People call you one , but I made it happen .
You can ’ t do that you scrawny twerp .
I ’ m going to squish you under my foot .
No , Wood-Yi .
I need to insult more people .
You ’ re sick .
Call your shrink .
Help !
Got ta do it .
If there is a nuclear war , all that would be left is you and Ted Cruz .
Say good-bye , Duncan .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ if you let me be human again .
Okay .
Get down on all fours and bark like a dog .
Jerry circles like a dog on his hands and knees .
You can do better .
Jerry stands .
Woody taps his head with the wand three times to the sound of a wood block .
I see fingers !
I can wiggle my toes !
I ’ m human again !
See you tomorrow everyone .
Jerry comes from behind the screen .
Intern .
Get me a cup of coffee @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you know the difference between coffee and your opinion ?
( running ) Right away , Mr. Duncan .
I love my job .

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
Scene 9 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry sits on his chair. Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
It’s me.
JERRY
Not now. I need some time to myself.
MAGGIE
I was hoping you’d want to know what I’m up to since you never have me in your thoughts.
JERRY
How would you know?
MAGGIE
Remember. I can read your mind.
JERRY
Don’t tell me that. My head is going to explode.
MAGGIE
Calm down. Your blood pressure is rising.
MAGGIE
I joined an exercise class. Mrs. Mandel had been giving me her fabulous chopped liver. It’s so delicious that I gained fifteen pounds.
JERRY
That’s bad.
MAGGIE
Had no idea chopped liver was so fattening.
JERRY
I thought you knew everything.
MAGGIE
Your father said I shouldn’t worry about gaining a few pounds. Fat people are harder to kidnap.
JERRY
Have you heard about the seafood diet?
MAGGIE
No.
JERRY
You see the food and you eat it.
MAGGIE
Always with a smart remark.
JERRY
That’s how I make a living.
MAGGIE
I know. My son the insult comedian.
MAGGIE
Your father got hired to work on the wall to keep out the Trump family. It was so nice of the Lord to pay for it.
The intern enters.
INTERN
Hey, Mr. Duncan. That was a really good show with W. If you ever need a co-host…
The intern removes his shirt.
JERRY
Whoa. Get me a water bottle.
INTERN
I will. Thank you for my job and not paying me.
The intern exits.
MAGGIE
Shame on you for not paying your intern.
JERRY
What. Bill Clinton didn’t pay Monica Lewinsky.
MAGGIE
But at least he gave her a gift.
JERRY
Yeah. A spot remover.
The intern returns with a water bottle.
INTERN
Here’s your water.
JERRY
Starting today, you’re getting paid.
INTERN
(excited) What can I say?
JERRY
Wait until you look at your first check.
Jerry and the intern move over to the radio station.
Scene 10 Radio Station
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
Intern hands Jerry the microphone. A silhouette of Woody Allen can be seen pacing back and forth behind the screen.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
A real good morning. I’m getting paid.
JERRY
Yes, you are. Today on the show my guest is movie director and writer Woody Allen.
Jerry goes behind the screen.
JERRY
Hi Woody.
WOODY
Hello.
JERRY
You seem to have anxiety.
WOODY
I haven’t had a bowel movement in three days. All because my agent told me to do your show.
JERRY
Smart move. I’ll scare the crap out of you.
WOODY
Then ask me anything.
JERRY
How’s Sunny?
WOODY
You mean Soon-Yi.
JERRY
Whatever.
WOODY
She’s doing great. I bought her a new wok and she’s cooking up a storm. We eat lots of vegetables and chopped chicken Korean style.
JERRY
Have you ever tried North Korean food?
WOODY
No.
JERRY
Neither have North Koreans.
JERRY
You met Soon-Yi when she was a teenager. While you were dating her mother Mia Farrow.
WOODY
I know what you’re probably thinking.
JERRY
Trust me, you don’t. You’re bat shit crazy.
WOODY
I can’t invent characters like you, Duncan. You remind me of my nasty mother Cherry. For her own amusement, I was blindfolded and shoved in a locked closet. Then a hour later, she pounded on the door and yelled “Fire. Everyone out of the house.” My dysfunctional family. When I was ten, they moved to Brooklyn. When I was twelve, I found them.
JERRY
When did you realize that you were funny?
WOODY
After being kicked out of college, I started writing jokes. Some television shows bought them and I eventually got a job writing scripts.
JERRY
Did you leave home?
WOODY
I had to. Women were knocking on my door to get in show biz.
JERRY
The thought is making me ill.
WOODY
Would you like some marijuana?
JERRY
No. I’ll wait until our interview is over, so I can jump off a bridge. Tell me about Diane Keaton.
WOODY
Diane was bulimic. A barfer. Very nervous like me. After we’d make love, she’d throw up. I asked my shrink, Was it me? Was it her? Was she thinking about Groucho Marx?
JERRY
Hey, Woody. What does Diane call two fingers?
WOODY
Tell me.
JERRY
Dessert.
WOODY
Diane was in some of my movies. My favorite was Annie Hall. I won an Academy Award for Best Screenplay and Best Director.
JERRY
You starred in many of the films you wrote.
WOODY
Yes. Bananas, Crimes and Misdemeanors and Take The Money and Run.
JERRY
Sounds like the Harvey Weinstein story. Do you have hobbies?
WOODY
I play clarinet every Monday evening at the Carlyle Hotel in New York City.
JERRY
Clarinet? That instrument is for geeks.
WOODY
I know. I leave it on my dashboard so I can get handicap parking.
JERRY
This is a political show. Can’t let you leave without asking what you think of Trump.
WOODY
He’s a bully. Like the jerk that stuffed me in a locker when I was in high school. The guy that kicked sand in my face at the beach. The douche bag that called me names like stupid, four eyes, ugly and freak when I was in elementary school.
JERRY
That’s okay. Six of the seven dwarfs are not Happy. Hey, I hear you do magic.
WOODY
Yes. I’m going to perform a magic trick on your show.
JERRY
What’s that stick you just pulled out of your back pocket?
WOODY
It’s a magic wand. Let me show you how it works.
JERRY
Sure.
Woody walks up to Jerry. Puts the wand on his head.
WOODY
I’m going to tap three time on your empty head. Close your eyes and count to three.
The sound of a wood block is heard to each count.
JERRY
One, two, three.
WOODY
Open your eyes.
JERRY
You’re so tall. And I’m so small. How come I have a bunch of arms?
WOODY
I turned you into a cockroach. People call you one, but I made it happen.
JERRY
You can’t do that you scrawny twerp.
WOODY
I’m going to squish you under my foot.
JERRY
No, Wood-Yi. I need to insult more people. You’re sick. Call your shrink. Help!
WOODY
Gotta do it. If there is a nuclear war, all that would be left is you and Ted Cruz. Say good-bye, Duncan.
JERRY
Please. I’ll do anything if you let me be human again.
WOODY
Okay. Get down on all fours and bark like a dog.
Jerry circles like a dog on his hands and knees.
JERRY
Woof, woof.
WOODY
You can do better.
JERRY
Woof, woof, woof, woof.
WOODY
Stand up. Close your eyes.
Jerry stands. Woody taps his head with the wand three times to the sound of a wood block.
JERRY
I see fingers! I can wiggle my toes! I’m human again!
WOODY
That’s a stretch, Duncan.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
Jerry comes from behind the screen.
JERRY
Intern. Get me a cup of coffee. My nerves are shot.
INTERN
Absolutely. You’re lucky to be alive, Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Do you know the difference between coffee and your opinion?
INTERN
No, sir.
JERRY
I asked for coffee.
INTERN
(running) Right away, Mr. Duncan. I love my job.
The intern exits.
TO BE CONTINUED…


humortimes--2020-05-06--Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/5/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/5/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Fauci from testifying before Congress about coronavirus response IKEA reveals the recipe for their Swedish meatballs Unfortunately , every one of their recipes is missing at least one key ingredient .
Mike Huckabee lost his lawsuit to go on a beach during the pandemic In fairness to Mike , he ’ s pretty safe ; people have been social distancing from him for decades .
Biden begs off questions about University of Delaware documents in his first Tara Reade interview Biden should say one of the things in his archives is Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them down .
… a man whose very existence could be called the big bong theory .
Top Russian doctor falls out of 5th floor window during conference call to bosses complaining about lack of PPE for medics Pence takes heat for not wearing mask at Mayo Clinic Pence is so white he probably thought the Mayo Clinic was named after him .
Oil getting crushed again with one futures contract down 98 % to record low Jeez , the gas you get from Slim Jim ’ s and cheese nachos at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the gas you get at the pump .
Guess the drivers don ’ t have to worry about the coronavirus if their cars are sponsored by Lysol and Clorox .
Makes sense , with restaurants closed most of those guys except Harry Styles are jobless .
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany : “ I will never lie to you .
You have my word on that ” Looks like another case of sarcasm !
Trump dragged for latest anti-media rant : Sorry , there are no ‘ Noble ’ prizes for Journalism @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should have ‘ Noble Prizes ’ for ‘ Stabel Geniuses.
’ Bruce Willis and Demi Moore self-isolate together with their children 20 years after divorce … although , look for Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis to play them in the movie version .
Reese Witherspoon , Jennifer Garner , and Kourtney Kardashian own the same butt-lifting leggings … Hmmm , you ’ d think they ’ d be rich enough to not have to share…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
White House blocking Fauci from testifying before Congress about coronavirus response
Paging Brad Pitt. Paging Brad Pitt. Paging Brad Pitt.
IKEA reveals the recipe for their Swedish meatballs
Unfortunately, every one of their recipes is missing at least one key ingredient.
Mike Huckabee lost his lawsuit to go on a beach during the pandemic
In fairness to Mike, he’s pretty safe; people have been social distancing from him for decades.
Biden begs off questions about University of Delaware documents in his first Tara Reade interview
Biden should say one of the things in his archives is Trump’s tax returns… that’ll quiet them down.
Happy 87th Birthday, Willie Nelson
… a man whose very existence could be called the big bong theory.
Top Russian doctor falls out of 5th floor window during conference call to bosses complaining about lack of PPE for medics
So, natural causes…
Pence takes heat for not wearing mask at Mayo Clinic
Pence is so white he probably thought the Mayo Clinic was named after him.
Oil getting crushed again with one futures contract down 98% to record low
Jeez, the gas you get from Slim Jim’s and cheese nachos at the mini mart is now more expensive than the gas you get at the pump.
NASCAR talking “Start Your Engines”
Guess the drivers don’t have to worry about the coronavirus if their cars are sponsored by Lysol and Clorox.
‘One Direction’ planning a reunion
Makes sense, with restaurants closed most of those guys except Harry Styles are jobless.
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany: “I will never lie to you. You have my word on that”
Looks like another case of sarcasm!
Trump dragged for latest anti-media rant: Sorry, there are no ‘Noble’ prizes for Journalism
But, I’m thinking they should have ‘Noble Prizes’ for ‘Stabel Geniuses.’
Bruce Willis and Demi Moore self-isolate together with their children 20 years after divorce
… although, look for Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis to play them in the movie version.
Reese Witherspoon, Jennifer Garner, and Kourtney Kardashian own the same butt-lifting leggings
… Hmmm, you’d think they’d be rich enough to not have to share…


humortimes--2020-05-06--Amash Outrageously Attempts Presidential Run with Clean Record

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Insane strategy for a U.S. presidential run : have no sexual allegations in your background !
In an unprecedented departure from presidential election norms , Rep. Justin Amash ( I-MI ) has announced the launch of an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run — without a single known allegation of sexual misconduct on his record .
The list of presidents and presidential hopefuls boasting a catalog of presidential sexual offenses and outright sexual assault is long and disgracefully @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of raping one of his slaves , Sally Hemmings ( though admittedly two hundred years after the fact by someone who gave neither of them a chance to respond to the allegations . )
Grover Cleveland was accused of sexual assault “ [ b ] y use of force and violence and without my consent ” in an 1873 affidavit by a 38-year-old Buffalo , New York , woman who later gave birth to indisputable proof of her allegations .
In his book The Last President ’ s Men , journalist Bob Woodward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sexual advances on and unacceptable touching of women working in the White House during his otherwise stellar presidency .
Both President Bushes have been accused of inappropriate touching , though the elder Bush was ninety and wheelchair bound at the time of the alleged incident and it is unclear he knew exactly what he was touching or why .
Bill Clinton , of course , is famous for proudly staining the national furniture in every room of the White House and needs no inventory of his well-publicized sexual misadventures .
Most recently , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a list of 8 such accusers , and the current Misogynist-in-Chief , Donald J. Trump ─ always keen to win any contest at any cost ─ has sexually offended every woman in America not wearing a MAGA hat and has physically assaulted at least twenty-five women that we know of , including one of his former wives .
All of this begs the obvious question : “ What does Justin Amash think he is doing throwing his hat into a ring for which he is so obviously unqualified ?
A comprehensive internet search @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of any sexual misconduct in either public or private life by the Michigan Representative , a nearly unprecedented result in presidential elections .
The only other presidential candidate currently known to be unblemished by charges of sexual wrongdoing is Barack Obama , whose natural eloquence and compulsive honesty masked an uncharacteristic lack of depravity as a presidential hopeful , ultimately propelling him into the White House .
It is a bold and audacious move to so transparently separate oneself from the presidential rat pack with only six months remaining until Election Day .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Amash , untried by the campaign trail and unbaptized by the fire of relentless media scrutiny can pull off the same thing .
Is this the dawn of a new era in American politics , or just another disappointing con in the downhill race of presidential debauchery ?

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Insane strategy for a U.S. presidential run: have no sexual allegations in your background!
In an unprecedented departure from presidential election norms, Rep. Justin Amash (I-MI) has announced the launch of an exploratory committee for a possible presidential run — without a single known allegation of sexual misconduct on his record.
The list of presidents and presidential hopefuls boasting a catalog of presidential sexual offenses and outright sexual assault is long and disgracefully distinguished. Thomas Jefferson has been accused of raping one of his slaves, Sally Hemmings (though admittedly two hundred years after the fact by someone who gave neither of them a chance to respond to the allegations.)
Grover Cleveland was accused of sexual assault “[b]y use of force and violence and without my consent” in an 1873 affidavit by a 38-year-old Buffalo, New York, woman who later gave birth to indisputable proof of her allegations.
In his book The Last President’s Men, journalist Bob Woodward accused President Richard Nixon of multiple unwanted sexual advances on and unacceptable touching of women working in the White House during his otherwise stellar presidency.
Both President Bushes have been accused of inappropriate touching, though the elder Bush was ninety and wheelchair bound at the time of the alleged incident and it is unclear he knew exactly what he was touching or why.
Bill Clinton, of course, is famous for proudly staining the national furniture in every room of the White House and needs no inventory of his well-publicized sexual misadventures.
Most recently, former Vice President Joe Biden has amassed a list of 8 such accusers, and the current Misogynist-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump ─ always keen to win any contest at any cost ─ has sexually offended every woman in America not wearing a MAGA hat and has physically assaulted at least twenty-five women that we know of, including one of his former wives.
All of this begs the obvious question: “What does Justin Amash think he is doing throwing his hat into a ring for which he is so obviously unqualified? A comprehensive internet search has turned up not a single accusation of any sexual misconduct in either public or private life by the Michigan Representative, a nearly unprecedented result in presidential elections.
The only other presidential candidate currently known to be unblemished by charges of sexual wrongdoing is Barack Obama, whose natural eloquence and compulsive honesty masked an uncharacteristic lack of depravity as a presidential hopeful, ultimately propelling him into the White House.
It is a bold and audacious move to so transparently separate oneself from the presidential rat pack with only six months remaining until Election Day. It remains to be seen if Rep. Amash, untried by the campaign trail and unbaptized by the fire of relentless media scrutiny can pull off the same thing. Is this the dawn of a new era in American politics, or just another disappointing con in the downhill race of presidential debauchery?


humortimes--2020-05-06--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Trump Rants to Own

Not surprisingly , Trump has stoop-ed down to a new low .
To deal with nothing , deny everything .
@ @ @ @ @ , throw them at someone .
Ironic , isn ’ t it , when old @ @ @ @ @ .
One gets the impression Trump would prefer a press corpse .
What a temper @ @ @ @ @ !
The radical right will never be satisfied until there ’ s nothing left for @ @ @ @ @ you is wrong , I don ’ t want to be right .
Don ’ @ @ @ @ @ into trouble .
Cinco de Mayo has been officially postponed until Uno de Juno .
@ @ @ @ @ important goal is to score equality for all .
I ’ ve been talking to @ @ @ @ @ but it ’ s better than being ignored .

To avoid ignorance, ignore rants.
Not surprisingly, Trump has stoop-ed down to a new low.
To deal with nothing, deny everything.
If life gives you lemons, throw them at someone.
Fox is smearly reporting the news.
Republicans: In fraud they trust.
Ironic, isn’t it, when old fakes complain about fake news.
One gets the impression Trump would prefer a press corpse.
What a temper! Mental fool he is!
Shut-up and save the wails.
The radical right will never be satisfied until there’s nothing left for everyone else.
TRUMP: Totally Racist and Unbalanced Mental Patient.
If attacking you is wrong, I don’t want to be right.
Quarantine mean and isolate hate.
Don’t run out of patience into trouble.
Cinco de Mayo has been officially postponed until Uno de Juno.
Megan Rapinoe‘s most important goal is to score equality for all.
Democracy is a free-be.
I’ve been talking to myself a lot lately, but it’s better than being ignored.
Lose weight or diet trying.


humortimes--2020-05-06--What’s the Difference Between Corporate CEOs and Pigs?

Legitimate small businesses are shut out as corporate CEOs pig out on the pandemic relief program .
Monty Bennett was just another of the many faceless right-wing millionaire corporate CEOs on the long list of high-dollar donors to Donald Trump — until he suddenly surfaced in April as the nation ’ s biggest bagger of government cash in the emergency Paycheck Protection Program .
The PPP is the $ 660 billion rescue package for America ’ s thousands of small businesses , helping them keep people employed during today ’ s shutdown of the U.S. economy due to the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in line for payroll relief , applying for $ 126 million and immediately getting about 55 % of that .
But wait .
There ’ s nothing mom-and-popish about Monty ’ s business .
Operating through a maze of tightly interwoven financial trusts and corporate subsidiaries , he runs a sprawling Dallas-based conglomerate named Ashford Inc. that owns and operates 130 hotels and luxury resorts across the country including the Marriott Beverly Hills and the Ritz-Carlton in the U.S. Virgin Islands .
How does a multibillion-dollar empire get such payments while legitimate small @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way : by paying lobbyists and lawmakers to rig the rules so corporate thieves can raid the treasury .
Bennett , a major donor to Trump and GOP Congress critters , pressured his political henchmen and hired two lobbying firms in March to punch a huge conglomerate loophole in the PPP bill .
Led by Sen. Marco Rubio , Congress inserted a special-interest proviso decreeing that while a big business can not apply for payments , each unit of the corporation can .
So … gotcha !
In early April , before most @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even knew relief was available , Ashford Inc. ’ s squad of manipulators was running all-night sessions for its hotels , getting them to rush out “ individual ” applications .
This twisting of the PPP fund made the slick Dallas hotelier king of Bailout Hill , having scooped up 339 times more than the average applicant .
In addition to stiffing small businesses , Bennett balked at the requirement that the bulk of taxpayer dollars be used to maintain the paychecks of Ashford hotel employees .
Instead , he loudly insisted that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ corporate owners — i.e.
, him .
Did you know that “ boss ” spelled backward is double SOB ?
There ’ s a general sentiment today that multimillionaire corporate CEOs are pigs .
But I think that ’ s unfair — to pigs .
Those oinkers are remarkably intelligent animals with a sense of social responsibility to the common good of the group .
Compare that ethic to the pompous and petulant sense of entitlement that seems to infest corporate executive suites today .
For one extra-ugly example , when Bennett grabbed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was so ethically stinky that even the thievish Trumpistas made him return the money .
Yet , a shameless Bennett continues to insist that he was just taking his corporation ’ s fair share : “ What are all those taxes we paid supposed to provide us with anyway ?
” he whined .
Well , Monty , maybe a literate workforce , clean water , paved streets , fire and police protection , and other public basics that subsidize your profit .
But our taxes aren ’ t meant to guarantee your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I won ’ t apologize for being a capitalist in America , ” he wrote in March as he pushed his way to the front of the line demanding a taxpayer handout .
Worse , he ’ s apparently a very poor capitalist , having saddled his corporate empire with an unsustainable debt load even before the coronavirus catastrophe struck .
Last year , the Ashcroft trust that he heads had a $ 113 million loss and saw its stock value nosedive from $ 5.60 a share to barely 70 cents today @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of himself , pulling down $ 5.7 million in personal pay last year .
Meanwhile , Monty the Unapologetic Capitalist is still grabbing government goodies .
He and his lobbyists have helped push Trump & Co. to create a new $ 500 billion pot of cash exclusively reserved as “ emergency aid ” for giant corporations … like his .
And , sweetest of all , Bennett and his ilk can take this public money with no requirement to use any of it to protect the paychecks or save the jobs of employees @ @ @ @ @ @ @ money to raise their own pay !
In CEO World , taking care of No .
1 is Priority No .
1 .
Then , as a second priority , repeat Priority No .
1 .

Legitimate small businesses are shut out as corporate CEOs pig out on the pandemic relief program.
Monty Bennett was just another of the many faceless right-wing millionaire corporate CEOs on the long list of high-dollar donors to Donald Trump — until he suddenly surfaced in April as the nation’s biggest bagger of government cash in the emergency Paycheck Protection Program.
The PPP is the $660 billion rescue package for America’s thousands of small businesses, helping them keep people employed during today’s shutdown of the U.S. economy due to the coronavirus pandemic. Bennett was among the first in line for payroll relief, applying for $126 million and immediately getting about 55% of that. But wait. There’s nothing mom-and-popish about Monty’s business. Operating through a maze of tightly interwoven financial trusts and corporate subsidiaries, he runs a sprawling Dallas-based conglomerate named Ashford Inc. that owns and operates 130 hotels and luxury resorts across the country including the Marriott Beverly Hills and the Ritz-Carlton in the U.S. Virgin Islands.
How does a multibillion-dollar empire get such payments while legitimate small businesses are shut out? The old-fashioned way: by paying lobbyists and lawmakers to rig the rules so corporate thieves can raid the treasury. Bennett, a major donor to Trump and GOP Congress critters, pressured his political henchmen and hired two lobbying firms in March to punch a huge conglomerate loophole in the PPP bill. Led by Sen. Marco Rubio, Congress inserted a special-interest proviso decreeing that while a big business cannot apply for payments, each unit of the corporation can.
So … gotcha! In early April, before most of America’s Main Street enterprises even knew relief was available, Ashford Inc.’s squad of manipulators was running all-night sessions for its hotels, getting them to rush out “individual” applications. This twisting of the PPP fund made the slick Dallas hotelier king of Bailout Hill, having scooped up 339 times more than the average applicant.
In addition to stiffing small businesses, Bennett balked at the requirement that the bulk of taxpayer dollars be used to maintain the paychecks of Ashford hotel employees. Instead, he loudly insisted that government aid should be available to bolster corporate owners — i.e., him.
Did you know that “boss” spelled backward is double SOB?
There’s a general sentiment today that multimillionaire corporate CEOs are pigs. But I think that’s unfair — to pigs. Those oinkers are remarkably intelligent animals with a sense of social responsibility to the common good of the group.
Compare that ethic to the pompous and petulant sense of entitlement that seems to infest corporate executive suites today. For one extra-ugly example, when Bennett grabbed millions meant for small businesses, it was so ethically stinky that even the thievish Trumpistas made him return the money. Yet, a shameless Bennett continues to insist that he was just taking his corporation’s fair share: “What are all those taxes we paid supposed to provide us with anyway?” he whined.
Well, Monty, maybe a literate workforce, clean water, paved streets, fire and police protection, and other public basics that subsidize your profit. But our taxes aren’t meant to guarantee your profit. Bennett flaunts his cluelessness: “I won’t apologize for being a capitalist in America,” he wrote in March as he pushed his way to the front of the line demanding a taxpayer handout.
Worse, he’s apparently a very poor capitalist, having saddled his corporate empire with an unsustainable debt load even before the coronavirus catastrophe struck. Last year, the Ashcroft trust that he heads had a $113 million loss and saw its stock value nosedive from $5.60 a share to barely 70 cents today. Yet, he took special care of himself, pulling down $5.7 million in personal pay last year.
Meanwhile, Monty the Unapologetic Capitalist is still grabbing government goodies. He and his lobbyists have helped push Trump & Co. to create a new $500 billion pot of cash exclusively reserved as “emergency aid” for giant corporations … like his. And, sweetest of all, Bennett and his ilk can take this public money with no requirement to use any of it to protect the paychecks or save the jobs of employees. Indeed, they can use our money to raise their own pay! In CEO World, taking care of No. 1 is Priority No. 1. Then, as a second priority, repeat Priority No. 1.


humortimes--2020-05-06--COVID-19 Medical Dos and Don’ts

COVID-19 Medical Dos and Don’ts

Not every “ doctor ” knows what they ’ re talking about , especially if their COVID-19 medical advice is to treat it just like the flu .
In this new COVID-19 era , it ’ s often hard to know who to trust when it comes to medical advice .
With around-the-clock pandemic coverage on TV , folks are inundated by all manner of sources including so-called experts .
So what ’ s the average person supposed to do ?
Usually we don ’ t have time to research a supposed doctor ’ s educational background and alleged experience @ @ @ @ @ @ @ telltale signs such as is he or she wearing scrubs , do they have a stethoscope hanging around their neck and does their specialty end in the letters “ ologist.
” Even these key signs can ’ t guarantee that you ’ re listening to a bona fide expert .
One handy hint is to be suspicious of any doctors named Seuss , Jekyll or Frankenstein .
It ’ s also crucial that you don ’ t pay attention to any doctor with a one-syllable name like Oz , Phil or Drew .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ degree , they tend to spout off on any and all topics regardless of their actual knowledge .
So if you ’ re listening to a guy named Drew whose COVID-19 medical advice is to treat it just like the flu , or someone named Phil who cites 360,000 annual swimming pool deaths in the U. S. , or a Dr. Oz who ’ s OK with a 2-3 % mortality rate for reopening schools — don ’ t automatically give any credence to their views .
Not every “ doctor ” knows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Which brings us to my next guideline : don ’ t take medical advice from someone who is not a doctor or a research specialist .
Say someone is touting an untested anti-malarial for COVID-19 or muses out loud about ingesting or injecting a disinfectant .
Even if the person is a big time VIP or a known stable genius , do take such advice with a grain of salt ( but no more than a grain since more salt than that might be dangerous ) .
This advice also applies to any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or a White House spokesperson .
Remember ; these folks are trained in pivoting and doublespeak and not in the medical arts .
And don ’ t forget that you may be watching a source that is wholly unreliable .
A helpful shorthand rule is to avoid any network or anchor named after a woodland animal such as a fox or a wolf .
Finally , don ’ t be concerned about anything said by any person of color living in the White House unless that color is orange .

Not every “doctor” knows what they’re talking about, especially if their COVID-19 medical advice is to treat it just like the flu.
In this new COVID-19 era, it’s often hard to know who to trust when it comes to medical advice. With around-the-clock pandemic coverage on TV, folks are inundated by all manner of sources including so-called experts. So what’s the average person supposed to do?
Usually we don’t have time to research a supposed doctor’s educational background and alleged experience. In that case, look for telltale signs such as is he or she wearing scrubs, do they have a stethoscope hanging around their neck and does their specialty end in the letters “ologist.”
Even these key signs can’t guarantee that you’re listening to a bona fide expert. One handy hint is to be suspicious of any doctors named Seuss, Jekyll or Frankenstein.
It’s also crucial that you don’t pay attention to any doctor with a one-syllable name like Oz, Phil or Drew. Although such folks may have a medical degree, they tend to spout off on any and all topics regardless of their actual knowledge.
So if you’re listening to a guy named Drew whose COVID-19 medical advice is to treat it just like the flu, or someone named Phil who cites 360,000 annual swimming pool deaths in the U. S., or a Dr. Oz who’s OK with a 2-3% mortality rate for reopening schools — don’t automatically give any credence to their views. Not every “doctor” knows what they’re talking about.
Which brings us to my next guideline: don’t take medical advice from someone who is not a doctor or a research specialist. Say someone is touting an untested anti-malarial for COVID-19 or muses out loud about ingesting or injecting a disinfectant. Even if the person is a big time VIP or a known stable genius, do take such advice with a grain of salt (but no more than a grain since more salt than that might be dangerous).
This advice also applies to any medical pronouncements coming from a Cabinet member or a White House spokesperson. Remember; these folks are trained in pivoting and doublespeak and not in the medical arts.
And don’t forget that you may be watching a source that is wholly unreliable. A helpful shorthand rule is to avoid any network or anchor named after a woodland animal such as a fox or a wolf.
Finally, don’t be concerned about anything said by any person of color living in the White House unless that color is orange.


humortimes--2020-05-06--The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Pages 31-35

The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Pages 31-35

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : It ’ s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all right here !
Jerry takes out his cell phone .
The silhouette of a girl is seen behind the screen .
The phone rings .
She answers .
Hi .
Is this Ginger Daniels ?
Who are you ?
I ’ m glad you asked .
My name is Gerald Dunkin .
You might be familiar with my company .
Dunkin Donuts ?
Holy crap .
You own Dunkin Donuts ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Not exactly .
You see , I got your mail by mistake .
No worries .
Just have your wife return it to the post office .
She jumps up and down .
( talking to herself ) My mother always told me to marry someone rich .
Thank you , Jesus .
Hello ?
Hello ?
Are you there ?
She picks up the phone .
I ’ m sorry .
Must be a bad connection .
So what do you do for a living , Ginger ?
No .
Strip clubs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We need to meet .
I ’ ll bring your mail .
What do you have in mind , Mr. Donuts ?
Denny ’ s on 4th and Main .
Dinner is on me .
Darn .
I just ate there yesterday .
Do you have another suggestion ?
A little pricey , but what the heck .
How about Tuesday at 6:30 ?
That works .
In the meantime , would you like my picture ?
( giggles ) Have to warn you .
I ’ m in my birthday suit .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Good .
I ’ ll text it .
See you Tuesday .
She hangs up the phone .
Shit .
I forgot to ask which Wendy ’ s .
I better call back .
You idiot .
This is The Jerry Duncan Show .
Leave a message .
Fuck you , Jerry Duncan .
I wouldn ’ t go out if you paid me for a lap dance .
Listen carefully .
Return my mail to the post office immediately or I ’ ll call the FBI .
Jerry moves over to his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ talking to himself .
The slum lord sold this dump to the city .
They ’ re leveling the place next month .
I don ’ t know how to break the news to my roaches .
Did I hear right , Jerry ?
You ’ re forced to vacate ?
Must be divine intervention .
I don ’ t know .
Ask your boss .
The Lord must love stupid people .
He made SO many .
Jerry .
You may recall from biology class that you have two parts of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ side , there ’ s nothing right .
In the right side , there ’ s nothing left .
Very interesting .
I need to call Sarah Palin so she won ’ t worry .
Don ’ t forget Roseanne while you ’ re at it .
The idiot that was always talking to himself ?
He was never normal after his sled crashed into a moose .
Yeah .
Well , Sven has been a bus driver up here since he passed away 10 years ago .
What about him ?
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gave up his seat to Helen Keller .
It was frightening for the passengers .
Keller had one hand on the wheel and the other hand on the road when she was pulled over by the cops .
No wonder Sven ’ s family moved out of Alaska without telling hm .
Jerry .
How do you get a landlord out of a tree ?
( to himself ) No wonder I ’ m single .
My shrink said a Freudian slip is when you say one thing , but mean your mother @

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
The intern exits.
Jerry takes out his cell phone. The silhouette of a girl is seen behind the screen. The phone rings. She answers.
GIRLS VOICE
Hello?
JERRY
Hi. Is this Ginger Daniels?
GIRLS VOICE
Who are you?
JERRY
I’m glad you asked. My name is Gerald Dunkin. You might be familiar with my company. Dunkin Donuts?
GIRLS VOICE
Holy crap. You own Dunkin Donuts? Did I win a free dozen?
JERRY
Not exactly. You see, I got your mail by mistake.
GIRLS VOICE
No worries. Just have your wife return it to the post office.
JERRY
I’m not married.
She jumps up and down.
GIRLS VOICE
(talking to herself) My mother always told me to marry someone rich. Thank you, Jesus.
JERRY
Hello? Hello? Are you there?
She picks up the phone.
GIRLS VOICE
I’m sorry. Must be a bad connection.
JERRY
So what do you do for a living, Ginger?
GIRLS VOICE
I’m a dancer.
JERRY
Oh? What’s your specialty?
GIRLS VOICE
Poles.
JERRY
Like polkas?
GIRLS VOICE
No. Strip clubs. Ever hear of Stormy Daniels?
JERRY
Trump’s babe?
GIRLS VOICE
She’s my little sister.
JERRY
We need to meet. I’ll bring your mail.
GIRLS VOICE
What do you have in mind, Mr. Donuts?
JERRY
Denny’s on 4th and Main. Dinner is on me.
GIRLS VOICE
Darn. I just ate there yesterday. Do you have another suggestion?
JERRY
Wendy’s or Popeyes. Your choice.
GIRLS VOICE
Wendy’s.
JERRY
A little pricey, but what the heck. How about Tuesday at 6:30?
GIRLS VOICE
That works. In the meantime, would you like my picture?
(giggles) Have to warn you. I’m in my birthday suit.
JERRY
Maybe. Of course I do!
GIRLS VOICE
Good. I’ll text it. See you Tuesday.
She hangs up the phone.
GIRLS VOICE
Shit. I forgot to ask which Wendy’s. I better call back.
Voice mail is heard.
JERRY
You idiot. This is The Jerry Duncan Show. Leave a message.
GIRLS VOICE
Fuck you, Jerry Duncan. I wouldn’t go out if you paid me for a lap dance. Listen carefully. Return my mail to the post office immediately or I’ll call the FBI.
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
Scene 11 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry sits in his chair talking to himself.
JERRY
The slum lord sold this dump to the city. They’re leveling the place next month. I don’t know how to break the news to my roaches.
Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
Did I hear right, Jerry? You’re forced to vacate? Must be divine intervention.
JERRY
I don’t know. Ask your boss.
MAGGIE
She’s too busy dealing with Donald Trump.
JERRY
The Lord must love stupid people. He made SO many.
MAGGIE
Jerry. You may recall from biology class that you have two parts of the brain–left and right. In the left side, there’s nothing right. In the right side, there’s nothing left.
JERRY
Very interesting. I need to call Sarah Palin so she won’t worry.
MAGGIE
Don’t forget Roseanne while you’re at it.
JERRY
So what’s new?
MAGGIE
You remember Sven Johnson?
JERRY
The idiot that was always talking to himself? He was never normal after his sled crashed into a moose.
MAGGIE
Yeah. Well, Sven has been a bus driver up here since he passed away 10 years ago.
JERRY
What about him?
MAGGIE
He lost his job today, because he gave up his seat to Helen Keller. It was frightening for the passengers. Keller had one hand on the wheel and the other hand on the road when she was pulled over by the cops.
JERRY
No wonder Sven’s family moved out of Alaska without telling hm.
MAGGIE
Jerry. How do you get a landlord out of a tree?
JERRY
No clue.
MAGGIE
Cut the branch.
JERRY
(to himself) No wonder I’m single. My shrink said a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.
TO BE CONTINUED…