humortimes--2020-04-15--Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/14/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/14/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was it just Judge Jeanine … ?
Israel health minister , who claims coronavirus is “ divine punishment ” for homosexuality , tests positive for COVID-19 Kylie Jenner says she would rather have a “ silent ” sexual partner than one with a “ weird accent ” While most of us would prefer Kylie be silent all the time .
People are saying , “ you ’ re next Lindsay Graham.
” Oh wait… wrong out… never mind .
Trump to cut funding to the WHO No word if that will also include @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
A Woman got an entire plane to herself to visit a dying relative … great story except the part where they lost her luggage !
Don ’ t know why he ’ d need to , the only things that can kill him are a wooden cross , silver , daylight or a clove of garlic .
Jennifer Lopez , 50 , hailed as an ‘ ageless queen ’ after posting ab-baring bikini selfie So , we went from the ‘ My Pillow Guy ’ to the “ I want to cover @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Or , as they call it in the Ozark ’ s , “ Valentine ’ s Day.
” Either way , he still wouldn ’ t be with a professional football team .
Julia Roberts , Gabrielle Union , Jessica Alba and more go makeup-free and show off grays while social distancing Glad to see Hollywood stars thinking outside the Botox .
Can your marriage survive the coronavirus ?
Proud to say my marriage is doing great in self quarantine… perhaps it ’ s because we live in a very , very long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
The one-spacers have won .
Microsoft Word now showing 2 spaces after a period as an error … shouldn ’ t that be six spaces to avoid viruses ?

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Americans hoard up on liquor
… or, was it just Judge Jeanine …?
Israel health minister, who claims coronavirus is “divine punishment” for homosexuality, tests positive for COVID-19
Oy…
Kylie Jenner says she would rather have a “silent” sexual partner than one with a “weird accent”
While most of us would prefer Kylie be silent all the time.
Bernie Sanders is out
People are saying, “you’re next Lindsay Graham.” Oh wait… wrong out… never mind.
Trump to cut funding to the WHO
No word if that will also include the LED ZEPPLIN and the PINK FLOYD.
A Woman got an entire plane to herself to visit a dying relative
… great story except the part where they lost her luggage!
Giuliani’s says he’s taken Hydroxychloroquine
Don’t know why he’d need to, the only things that can kill him are a wooden cross, silver, daylight or a clove of garlic.
Jennifer Lopez, 50, hailed as an ‘ageless queen’ after posting ab-baring bikini selfie
Don’t get any ideas, Elton John!
Jared Kushner to play pivotal role in coronavirus fight
So, we went from the ‘My Pillow Guy’ to the “I want to cover his face with my pillow guy.”
Happy National Siblings Day
Or, as they call it in the Ozark’s, “Valentine’s Day.”
False report: Colin Kaepernick isn’t signing with NY Jets
Either way, he still wouldn’t be with a professional football team.
Julia Roberts, Gabrielle Union, Jessica Alba and more go makeup-free and show off grays while social distancing
Glad to see Hollywood stars thinking outside the Botox.
Can your marriage survive the coronavirus?
Proud to say my marriage is doing great in self quarantine… perhaps it’s because we live in a very, very long house and speak mostly by cell phone!
The one-spacers have won. Microsoft Word now showing 2 spaces after a period as an error
… shouldn’t that be six spaces to avoid viruses?


humortimes--2020-04-15--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: The Real Fake

Accuse the media all you want , we know who the real fake is !
Trump always manages to keep @ @ @ @ @ We ’ re now seeing the effects of “ winging ” it .
As the @ @ @ @ @ on the golf course , fore-crying out loud !
Narcissists always hurt the one they @ @ @ @ @ happens when the shit hits the fantasy .
Lessons of the past are the point @ @ @ @ @ need two stable eyes with a clear vision .
To turn things around , face @ @ @ @ @ Just say no to dopes .

Accuse the media all you want, we know who the real fake is!
Trump, the unrealtor, sells lots of dirt.
Not surprisingly, a terrible person makes for a terrible president.
Trump supporters are con-founded fools!
A lazy mind usually remains closed.
Trump always manages to keep his nitwits about him.
Don Junior’s a real rip-off the old block.
I wouldn’t trust Jared to run tapwater.
Trump’s a swine, and sow is Ivanka.
You can’t spell nepotism without inept.
We’re now seeing the effects of “winging” it.
As the crisis deepened, Trump was on the golf course, fore-crying out loud!
Narcissists always hurt the one they love.
This is what happens when the shit hits the fantasy.
Trump 2020: Running on empty promises.
Lessons of the past are the point of no return.
Honestly, I miss trust.
We need two stable eyes with a clear vision.
To turn things around, face in a different direction.
Just say no to dopes.


humortimes--2020-04-15--President Demands Supplication in Exchange for Relief Checks

“ Look , I just want some appreciation .
Just appreciation .
That ’ s all , ” said Trump , announcing his National Presidential Supplication directive .
In a North Korea-style press conference Monday , President Trump announced plans to require that all Americans attend upon him in the nation ’ s capital and bow in supplication before receiving their CARES relief checks .
He also announced a new requisite that all Americans must hereafter refer to him as the “ Most Glorious Leader.
” After showing a five minute propaganda video that amounted to a political hagiography of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Saint Donald , the self-appointed dictator explained the supplication requirement : “ Look , I just want some appreciation .
Just appreciation .
That ’ s all .
I don ’ t get appreciation .
I don ’ t get it from the governors .
I certainly don ’ t get it from the press , from you .
You ’ re just fake news .
You don ’ t show me appreciation .
If the American people won ’ t show me appreciation voluntarily , I ’ ll force them to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ appreciation out of them one way or another .
It ’ s simple .
Just show me some appreciation.
” Asked about his authority to require obeisance , especially in return for critical relief that for many Americans might mean the difference between life and death , Mr. Trump answered , “ I ’ m the president , and when you use that word from now on in connection with me I ’ m right now making a new law that you spell it with a capital P. Always with a capital P. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ capital P. I have absolute authority .
I can do anything I want.
” Pressed for details about the actual constitutional authority for such a requirement , the president pointed to his head .
“ The constitution is right here , that ’ s where I get it , right here , ” he commanded .
“ My common sense .
I say what is the constitution and I say I have the authority because I ’ m the president and the Most Glorious Leader and I say what the constitution is .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re the president , what you say goes .
I have absolute life and death authority over everyone.
” Responding to questions about the requirement to call him “ Most Glorious Leader , ” he replied , “ Look .
I ’ m your leader , right ?
Of course I am .
I ’ m your leader .
And I ’ m glorious .
I ’ ve always been glorious .
So I ’ m your glorious leader .
I ’ m your most glorious leader because Kim Jong Un is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the most glorious leader because I ’ m better than him .
He agrees with this .
He called me to tell me that .
It ’ s just like calling me Mr. President .
You have to do that , right ?
Everybody has to call me that .
So now I ’ m just changing my name .
Now I ’ m the Most Glorious Leader .
Say it .
Say that I ’ m the Most Glorious Leader .
Say it !
” Asked if the proposal might not cost @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t have the ability to come to Washington to perform the required adjuration , he made a mocking face and said in a whining voice , “ Oh whah whah .
People die every day .
People die crossing the street .
People are going to die .
Maybe we lose a few not very productive people who don ’ t appreciate me anyway .
This happens .
Just appreciate me , that ’ s all .
Just come here and appreciate me to my face , at my feet , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ check .
If you die you would die anyway and it will save me the money not giving you a check.
” When it was suggested that it is in fact the American people ’ s money , not his , the president snapped , “ It ’ s mine !
It ’ s mine !
I ’ m the president and the Most Glorious Leader !
Everything is mine !
I control everything and I say what you get !
Say it !
I say what you get !
Say it !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ 1,312 people can not be reported here .
Not a single response is printable due to editorial restrictions on offensive language .

“Look, I just want some appreciation. Just appreciation. That’s all,” said Trump, announcing his National Presidential Supplication directive.
In a North Korea-style press conference Monday, President Trump announced plans to require that all Americans attend upon him in the nation’s capital and bow in supplication before receiving their CARES relief checks. He also announced a new requisite that all Americans must hereafter refer to him as the “Most Glorious Leader.”
After showing a five minute propaganda video that amounted to a political hagiography of the last two months in the life of Saint Donald, the self-appointed dictator explained the supplication requirement: “Look, I just want some appreciation. Just appreciation. That’s all. I don’t get appreciation. I don’t get it from the governors. I certainly don’t get it from the press, from you. You’re just fake news. You don’t show me appreciation. If the American people won’t show me appreciation voluntarily, I’ll force them to. I have the power to get appreciation out of them one way or another. It’s simple. Just show me some appreciation.”
Asked about his authority to require obeisance, especially in return for critical relief that for many Americans might mean the difference between life and death, Mr. Trump answered, “I’m the president, and when you use that word from now on in connection with me I’m right now making a new law that you spell it with a capital P. Always with a capital P. I’m the president with a capital P. I have absolute authority. I can do anything I want.”
Pressed for details about the actual constitutional authority for such a requirement, the president pointed to his head. “The constitution is right here, that’s where I get it, right here,” he commanded. “My common sense. I say what is the constitution and I say I have the authority because I’m the president and the Most Glorious Leader and I say what the constitution is. What I say goes. When you’re the president, what you say goes. I have absolute life and death authority over everyone.”
Responding to questions about the requirement to call him “Most Glorious Leader,” he replied, “Look. I’m your leader, right? Of course I am. I’m your leader. And I’m glorious. I’ve always been glorious. So I’m your glorious leader. I’m your most glorious leader because Kim Jong Un is the glorious leader and I’m the most glorious leader because I’m better than him. He agrees with this. He called me to tell me that. It’s just like calling me Mr. President. You have to do that, right? Everybody has to call me that. So now I’m just changing my name. Now I’m the Most Glorious Leader. Say it. Say that I’m the Most Glorious Leader. Say it!”
Asked if the proposal might not cost millions of lives given that many people don’t have the ability to come to Washington to perform the required adjuration, he made a mocking face and said in a whining voice, “Oh whah whah. People die every day. People die crossing the street. People are going to die. Maybe we lose a few not very productive people who don’t appreciate me anyway. This happens. Just appreciate me, that’s all. Just come here and appreciate me to my face, at my feet, and you can have your precious little check. If you die you would die anyway and it will save me the money not giving you a check.”
When it was suggested that it is in fact the American people’s money, not his, the president snapped, “It’s mine! It’s mine! I’m the president and the Most Glorious Leader! Everything is mine! I control everything and I say what you get! Say it! I say what you get! Say it!”
A Humor Times opinion poll of 1,312 people cannot be reported here. Not a single response is printable due to editorial restrictions on offensive language.


War Mania

The hierarchy has so rigged our war machine that it now operates on autopilot , perpetuating our national war mania .
Our nation is suffering a decades-long compulsion to wage war .
It ’ s not that the American people are crazed for constant and senseless military conflict ; the hierarchy has so rigged our war machine that it now operates on autopilot , perpetually dispatching our combat forces into hostilities with little reason , public awareness or national consensus .
Ponder this : Since the Sept. 11 attacks in 2001 , the U.S. has been in multiple wars every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ name ?
Sure , we hear about the big conflicts in Afghanistan , Iraq and Syria , but here ’ s a sobering statistic : More than 200,000 U.S. troops are now deployed for war in at least 177 countries and territories .
I say “ at least ” because , as the respected military publication Stars and Stripes reveals , nearly 44,000 additional troops are assigned to places the Pentagon simply lists as “ unknown.
” Of course , the hierarchy knows where these secret military actions are , but We the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ One of President Donald Trump ’ s biggest applause lines in the 2016 election was his pledge to get the U.S. out of “ endless wars.
” Even I cheered for him on that !
It was such a popular promise that he has reprised it at his many pep rallies , basking in roars of approval .
In fact , no wars have actually ended , and all the while , Trump has been quietly deploying more troops into more war zones .
Last fall , one of his deceitful ploys played @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he was pulling the entire U.S. contingent of 1,000 combatants out of the war mayhem in that bedeviled land : “ WE ARE BRINGING OUR SOLDIERS BACK HOME , ” he tweeted in all caps to his faithful believers .
But then the “ commander ’ s ” defense secretary corrected him by saying that a couple hundred troops and a big stockpile of our weaponry would stay “ to ensure we secure the oil field ” held by Syria .
Promises aside , oil rules .
Wait , there ’ s more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our forces in Syria were not really coming home but merely being shifted next door — to Iraq , on Syria ’ s eastern border .
Also , former Trump Mideast war envoy Brett McGurk pointed out that Trump had quietly added 14,000 troops to the Middle East in the previous four months : “ ( H ) e can ’ t tell his political rallies that he ’ s getting troops out of endless wars when he ’ s sending 14 times the amount back into the region.
” But he did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hand in the presidential war game is to twist the definition of “ foreign entanglements , ” against which George Washington cautioned future presidents .
To reinforce that warning , Congress passed the 1973 War Powers Resolution .
The act specifically bars trigger-happy presidents from injecting America ’ s troops and treasure into foreign hostilities without informing Congress and getting its timely approval .
Yet , almost every president since has used semantic legalisms to slip out of this democratic requirement and wage war by executive fiat .
Trump , for example , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ horrific civil war , where we ’ re acting as pawns of the Saudi royals who are in the third year of a bloody assault to establish themselves as the region ’ s alpha dog .
This war has directly killed more than 100,000 people and created an out-of-control famine that has left some 10 million civilians on the brink of death .
The White House , though , grinds ahead , ignoring the blood on its hands , the spreading humanitarian crisis of mass starvation and any responsibility to our own rule @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Powers Resolution ) .
No need to seek congressional authority , the Trumpers assert , because they ’ re technically not waging a “ war.
” The U.S. forces , drones , satellite targeting , strategic planning , etc.
, are merely “ assisting ” the Saudis , not directly killing .
In response , a bipartisan measure to force an end to our military involvement in Yemen ( introduced by congressional champions of constitutional rule Reps. Barbara Lee and Ro Khanna ) passed in both the House and Senate last April .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” vetoed it as a “ dangerous attempt to weaken my constitutional authorities .
”

The hierarchy has so rigged our war machine that it now operates on autopilot, perpetuating our national war mania.
Our nation is suffering a decades-long compulsion to wage war. It’s not that the American people are crazed for constant and senseless military conflict; the hierarchy has so rigged our war machine that it now operates on autopilot, perpetually dispatching our combat forces into hostilities with little reason, public awareness or national consensus.
Ponder this: Since the Sept. 11 attacks in 2001, the U.S. has been in multiple wars every single day. How many can you name? Sure, we hear about the big conflicts in Afghanistan, Iraq and Syria, but here’s a sobering statistic: More than 200,000 U.S. troops are now deployed for war in at least 177 countries and territories. I say “at least” because, as the respected military publication Stars and Stripes reveals, nearly 44,000 additional troops are assigned to places the Pentagon simply lists as “unknown.” Of course, the hierarchy knows where these secret military actions are, but We the People are not to be told.
One of President Donald Trump’s biggest applause lines in the 2016 election was his pledge to get the U.S. out of “endless wars.” Even I cheered for him on that! It was such a popular promise that he has reprised it at his many pep rallies, basking in roars of approval. In fact, no wars have actually ended, and all the while, Trump has been quietly deploying more troops into more war zones.
Last fall, one of his deceitful ploys played out in Syria. Trump triumphantly announced he was pulling the entire U.S. contingent of 1,000 combatants out of the war mayhem in that bedeviled land: “WE ARE BRINGING OUR SOLDIERS BACK HOME,” he tweeted in all caps to his faithful believers. But then the “commander’s” defense secretary corrected him by saying that a couple hundred troops and a big stockpile of our weaponry would stay “to ensure we secure the oil field” held by Syria. Promises aside, oil rules.
Wait, there’s more continuing war mania. The rest of our forces in Syria were not really coming home but merely being shifted next door — to Iraq, on Syria’s eastern border. Also, former Trump Mideast war envoy Brett McGurk pointed out that Trump had quietly added 14,000 troops to the Middle East in the previous four months: “(H)e can’t tell his political rallies that he’s getting troops out of endless wars when he’s sending 14 times the amount back into the region.” But he did.
Wait again. Another sleight of hand in the presidential war game is to twist the definition of “foreign entanglements,” against which George Washington cautioned future presidents. To reinforce that warning, Congress passed the 1973 War Powers Resolution. The act specifically bars trigger-happy presidents from injecting America’s troops and treasure into foreign hostilities without informing Congress and getting its timely approval. Yet, almost every president since has used semantic legalisms to slip out of this democratic requirement and wage war by executive fiat. Trump, for example, has us mired in Yemen’s horrific civil war, where we’re acting as pawns of the Saudi royals who are in the third year of a bloody assault to establish themselves as the region’s alpha dog. This war has directly killed more than 100,000 people and created an out-of-control famine that has left some 10 million civilians on the brink of death.
The White House, though, grinds ahead, ignoring the blood on its hands, the spreading humanitarian crisis of mass starvation and any responsibility to our own rule of law (specifically, the War Powers Resolution). No need to seek congressional authority, the Trumpers assert, because they’re technically not waging a “war.” The U.S. forces, drones, satellite targeting, strategic planning, etc., are merely “assisting” the Saudis, not directly killing. In response, a bipartisan measure to force an end to our military involvement in Yemen (introduced by congressional champions of constitutional rule Reps. Barbara Lee and Ro Khanna) passed in both the House and Senate last April. But President “Stop the Endless Wars” vetoed it as a “dangerous attempt to weaken my constitutional authorities.”


humortimes--2020-04-13--Here They Come: Those Russian Trolls!

Here They Come: Those Russian Trolls!

… we have a small favor to ask .
More and more people are reading the Humor Times , but advertising revenues for internet sites everywhere keep falling .
And unlike so many other websites , we have not put up a paywall -- we want to keep this much-loved ( and much-needed ! )
political humor free , if possible !
So you can see why we need to ask for your help .
The Humor Times ' unique content takes a lot of time and effort to produce ... but we do it because we believe uncompromising political @ @ @ @ @ @ @ days .
If everyone who reads and likes our website helps fund it , we can continue to help people laugh at the news , rather than cry about it !
For as little as $ 1 , you can support the Humor Times – and it only takes a minute .
Thank you !
Or , please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter via our Patreon Page , contributing a certain amount each month .
You can do it for as long or as short a time as you like .
It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

Wow, have you noticed? The have really ramped it up quickly! With Bernie out of the way, the horde of Russian trolls can concentrate all their fire-power on Joe Biden — and, of course, on trolling them libs!


humortimes--2020-04-12--Due to Overcrowding, Hell Opens Frigid New Division

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Dispatches from SNN ( Slobovian News Network ) : In new division of Hell , souls will freeze for eternity .
According to world renowned Glaciologist/Theologian Dr. Freezyn Mahassoff of the University of Staanckt , due to a recent spike in condemned souls and it ’ s resulting overcrowding , the devil has been forced to create and open a new division of hell .
The new division will be known as Bhuurzywhuurzy .
Instead of fire , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ instead of burning for eternity , souls will freeze for eternity .
Bhuurzywhuurzy is named after legendary Slobo/Roman Emperor Bhuurzy Whuurzus , who is remembered for creating The Roman Cable Network in 65 AD .
RCN is best remembered for shows like Monday Night Gladiator Wars , The Tuesday Night Orgy , Fiddling with Nero and Kiss My Asp with Cleopatra .
RCN was destroyed when the Slobogoths invaded .
As a lawyer , Bhuurzywhuurus ’ clients included Julius Caesar , Hannibal ’ s Elephants , Pontius Pilate , The Nail Driving Five @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Newly arriving souls will be given the option of Hell or Bhuurzywhuurzy .
Dr. Mahassoff also unveiled several other items about the current state of Hell : • Eternity has been extended… the short term Eternity program did not work .
• Purgatory is permanently closed… it ’ s now straight to Hell .
• The Devil ’ s Shopping Network is permanently out of asbestos drawers and ice water .
• The Hell On Credit program is cancelled… Hell is now cash only .
Dr. Mahassoff also stated that the Devil has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ division of Hell to be called Walhell .
In Walhell , the condemned will be forced to push grocery carts up and down flaming aisles for eternity .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network): In new division of Hell, souls will freeze for eternity.
According to world renowned Glaciologist/Theologian Dr. Freezyn Mahassoff of the University of Staanckt, due to a recent spike in condemned souls and it’s resulting overcrowding, the devil has been forced to create and open a new division of hell.
The new division will be known as Bhuurzywhuurzy. Instead of fire, it will be made of ice, and instead of burning for eternity, souls will freeze for eternity.
Bhuurzywhuurzy is named after legendary Slobo/Roman Emperor Bhuurzy Whuurzus, who is remembered for creating The Roman Cable Network in 65 AD. RCN is best remembered for shows like Monday Night Gladiator Wars, The Tuesday Night Orgy, Fiddling with Nero and Kiss My Asp with Cleopatra. RCN was destroyed when the Slobogoths invaded.
As a lawyer, Bhuurzywhuurus’ clients included Julius Caesar, Hannibal’s Elephants, Pontius Pilate, The Nail Driving Five and Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.
Newly arriving souls will be given the option of Hell or Bhuurzywhuurzy. Dr. Mahassoff also unveiled several other items about the current state of Hell:
Eternity has been extended… the short term Eternity program did not work.
Purgatory is permanently closed… it’s now straight to Hell.
The Devil’s Shopping Network is permanently out of asbestos drawers and ice water.
The Hell On Credit program is cancelled… Hell is now cash only.
Dr. Mahassoff also stated that the Devil has indicated that he is planning another new division of Hell to be called Walhell. In Walhell, the condemned will be forced to push grocery carts up and down flaming aisles for eternity.


humortimes--2020-04-12--Sanders Campaign: Candidate Was Not Actually Bernie Sanders

Bernie Sanders actually refused to run again in 2020 , reveals Sanders campaign manager .
In a stunning development just days after Bernie Sanders suspended his campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination , senior Sanders campaign officials announced yesterday that the candidate they ran as Bernie Sanders was not , in fact , Bernie Sanders at all .
“ Any old guy with white hair can look like Bernie Sanders if he messes up his hair and spits when he talks , ” Campaign Manager Faeez Dahkhar told an audience of more than ten via webcast .
“ When Senator @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we couldn ’ t just let The Movement die .
If a Movement can just die it isn ’ t a Movement .
It ’ s just like an urge or something , but not a Movement.
” “ The Movement ” refers to efforts by Sanders ’ supporters to move the Democratic Party to the ideological left , perhaps far enough to push California into the ocean .
One avid supporter taking part in the webcast explained , “ You can ’ t just stop a movement from moving once it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it moving we couldn ’ t just stop moving it just because we didn ’ t have a candidate to move it .
We ’ re going to move The Movement all the way and if you ’ re in the way you ’ re just going to get moved by The Movement , probably right off the edge .
That ’ s what a Movement is , and we ’ re tired of the establishment not acknowledging that .
We demand to be an acknowledged Movement.
” Sanders Senior Advisor John Deaver @ @ @ @ @ @ @ name only without Sanders ’ actual participation as a campaign tactic not uncommon in American politics .
“ Thomas Dewey quit the race months before the ‘ 44 election , ” he explained .
“ It was purely momentum that carried him to the point that the Chicago Tribune thought he had won even a day after Truman beat him .
Goldwater never ran at all .
Lyndon Johnson ’ s campaign put different glasses on him and changed his hair and ran him as Goldwater just to have somebody to destroy in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ puppet built by a Hollywood special effects company for the Bush campaign.
” “ When Senator Sanders refused to run again , ” he continued , “ we hired Chevy Chase to be him for the first few months , just to get things rolling .
Then when the crowds got so nuts that they didn ’ t even pay attention to Chevy-Bernie anymore we just started grabbing white haired guys off the street and rubbing their hair with a balloon and putting them on stage .
It saved us a fortune .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ than Bernie .
Best of all we could deliver whatever message we wanted .
Half of the stuff we did Bernie would never have agreed to , but without him involved we could pander shamelessly to our base and manipulate their anger as much as we wanted.
” Political Director Anamanna Majama added , “ Once Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dropped out of the race and endorsed us it just got way too easy .
The crowds were so busy chanting and shouting and being furious about everything that nobody even noticed when we changed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ five times in one speech .
It was just crazy.
” Asked by Humor Times for comment , Trump campaign manager Bill Pascal responded , “ We already knew that .
We own the CIA , remember ?
We know everything .
Senator Sanders hasn ’ t left his office for two and a half years .
He ’ s sleeping on the couch and living on Hot Pockets and YooHoo just like his groupies .
What you don ’ t know and I won ’ t confirm is that President Trump is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because he knew he couldn ’ t get elected himself .
Don ’ t print that .
”

Bernie Sanders actually refused to run again in 2020, reveals Sanders campaign manager.
In a stunning development just days after Bernie Sanders suspended his campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination, senior Sanders campaign officials announced yesterday that the candidate they ran as Bernie Sanders was not, in fact, Bernie Sanders at all.
“Any old guy with white hair can look like Bernie Sanders if he messes up his hair and spits when he talks,” Campaign Manager Faeez Dahkhar told an audience of more than ten via webcast. “When Senator Sanders refused to run again in 2020, we couldn’t just let The Movement die. If a Movement can just die it isn’t a Movement. It’s just like an urge or something, but not a Movement.”
“The Movement” refers to efforts by Sanders’ supporters to move the Democratic Party to the ideological left, perhaps far enough to push California into the ocean.
One avid supporter taking part in the webcast explained, “You can’t just stop a movement from moving once it starts to move. Once we got it moving we couldn’t just stop moving it just because we didn’t have a candidate to move it. We’re going to move The Movement all the way and if you’re in the way you’re just going to get moved by The Movement, probably right off the edge. That’s what a Movement is, and we’re tired of the establishment not acknowledging that. We demand to be an acknowledged Movement.”
Sanders Senior Advisor John Deaver justified running the Senator from Vermont in name only without Sanders’ actual participation as a campaign tactic not uncommon in American politics. “Thomas Dewey quit the race months before the ‘44 election,” he explained. “It was purely momentum that carried him to the point that the Chicago Tribune thought he had won even a day after Truman beat him. Goldwater never ran at all. Lyndon Johnson’s campaign put different glasses on him and changed his hair and ran him as Goldwater just to have somebody to destroy in the election. Michael Dukakis was a puppet built by a Hollywood special effects company for the Bush campaign.”
“When Senator Sanders refused to run again,” he continued, “we hired Chevy Chase to be him for the first few months, just to get things rolling. Then when the crowds got so nuts that they didn’t even pay attention to Chevy-Bernie anymore we just started grabbing white haired guys off the street and rubbing their hair with a balloon and putting them on stage. It saved us a fortune. Some of our Bernies were more Bernie than Bernie. Best of all we could deliver whatever message we wanted. Half of the stuff we did Bernie would never have agreed to, but without him involved we could pander shamelessly to our base and manipulate their anger as much as we wanted.”
Political Director Anamanna Majama added, “Once Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dropped out of the race and endorsed us it just got way too easy. The crowds were so busy chanting and shouting and being furious about everything that nobody even noticed when we changed out our Bernie three or four or five times in one speech. It was just crazy.”
Asked by Humor Times for comment, Trump campaign manager Bill Pascal responded, “We already knew that. We own the CIA, remember? We know everything. Senator Sanders hasn’t left his office for two and a half years. He’s sleeping on the couch and living on Hot Pockets and YooHoo just like his groupies. What you don’t know and I won’t confirm is that President Trump is actually a giant Muppet Dick Cheney made because he knew he couldn’t get elected himself. Don’t print that.”


humortimes--2020-04-12--New Advice Column: ‘Dear Dr. Trump’

New Advice Column: ‘Dear Dr. Trump’

Excerpts from the popular new advice column , “ Dear Dr. Trump ” !
When it comes to the pandemic , I like this stuff .
I really get it .
People are surprised that I understand it .
Maybe I have a natural ability .
Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president .
But I don ’ t want to keep all this knowledge to myself .
As a stable genius , I have a responsibility to help others and that ’ s why I ’ ve decided to start this new advice column .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m really scared about COVID-19 and I ’ m afraid that I ’ m going to catch it .
Should I be worried ?
If I were you , I wouldn ’ t worry .
As I said early on , this is just like the seasonal flu .
It ’ s basically the flu .
Remember back then when I said that it was only one person from China and that it would be over soon ?
Well , thanks to the Democrats it has gotten worse , way worse @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worry .
The warm weather ’ s here and that should kill the virus very , very soon , maybe even by July 4th .
I ’ ve heard for weeks now that this coronavirus is highly contagious .
Is that correct ?
It turns out that it is , but we only found that out recently .
People who say they knew it was contagious early on ?
They didn ’ t know .
I didn ’ t know .
Nobody knew .
If anyone would have known back then it would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I didn ’ t know .
By the way , I have to correct you : the name of the virus is the Wuhan virus or the Chinese virus .
I ’ ve heard that widespread testing is crucial to defeating this virus .
Why are we so far behind in testing ?
I don ’ t know where you got such a stupid idea .
It ’ s fake news .
CNN and the failing New York Times keep talking about all the testing in South Korea but they don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ conducted more tests than the Koreans .
Some are saying that they ’ ve done way more on a per capita basis but who the hell knows what per capita means ?
Plus it was the CDC who screwed up on this one and , of course , there ’ s no way I can take responsibility for that .
By the way , thanks to me , for months now , anyone who wants a test can get one .
You ’ ve said that certain anti-malarial drugs can be effective against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that it ’ s best to wait for these drugs to be tested before trying them .
I wouldn ’ t put too much stock in what so-called experts say .
I have a very strong hunch that these drugs are going to be a game changer and I ’ m usually right .
Anyway , why not go ahead and use the drugs ?
After all , what have you got to lose ?
Our country is supposed to have a huge stockpile of medical equipment to be used in case of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me a few years ago that there was a pandemic preparedness office in the White House .
What happened to that ?
Yes there was such an office , but I got rid of it because it was created by Obama and everything he did was useless .
As for the stockpile , that , too , was Obama ’ s responsibility and he left it pretty much empty .
I only had a little over three years to replenish it so it ’ s clearly not my fault .

Excerpts from the popular new advice column, “Dear Dr. Trump”!
When it comes to the pandemic, I like this stuff. I really get it. People are surprised that I understand it. Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president. But I don’t want to keep all this knowledge to myself. As a stable genius, I have a responsibility to help others and that’s why I’ve decided to start this new advice column. You’re welcome, America!
Dear Dr. Trump:
I’m really scared about COVID-19 and I’m afraid that I’m going to catch it. Should I be worried?
Fevered in Fresno
Dear Fevered:
If I were you, I wouldn’t worry. As I said early on, this is just like the seasonal flu. It’s basically the flu. Remember back then when I said that it was only one person from China and that it would be over soon? Well, thanks to the Democrats it has gotten worse, way worse. But you still shouldn’t worry. The warm weather’s here and that should kill the virus very, very soon, maybe even by July 4th.
Dr. Trump
Dear Dr. Trump:
I’ve heard for weeks now that this coronavirus is highly contagious. Is that correct?
Shaking in Syracuse
Dear Shaking:
It turns out that it is, but we only found that out recently. People who say they knew it was contagious early on? They didn’t know. I didn’t know. Nobody knew. If anyone would have known back then it would have been me and, trust me, I didn’t know. By the way, I have to correct you: the name of the virus is the Wuhan virus or the Chinese virus.
Dr. Trump
Dear Dr. Trump:
I’ve heard that widespread testing is crucial to defeating this virus. Why are we so far behind in testing?
Curious in Chicago
Dear Curious:
I don’t know where you got such a stupid idea. It’s fake news. CNN and the failing New York Times keep talking about all the testing in South Korea but they don’t tell you that we’ve conducted more tests than the Koreans. Some are saying that they’ve done way more on a per capita basis but who the hell knows what per capita means? Plus it was the CDC who screwed up on this one and, of course, there’s no way I can take responsibility for that. By the way, thanks to me, for months now, anyone who wants a test can get one.
Dr. Trump
Dear Dr. Trump:
You’ve said that certain anti-malarial drugs can be effective against the virus, but some experts say that it’s best to wait for these drugs to be tested before trying them.
Gullible in Galveston
Dear Gullible:
I wouldn’t put too much stock in what so-called experts say. I have a very strong hunch that these drugs are going to be a game changer and I’m usually right. Anyway, why not go ahead and use the drugs? After all, what have you got to lose?
Dr. Trump
Dear Dr. Trump:
Our country is supposed to have a huge stockpile of medical equipment to be used in case of a pandemic. Also, someone told me a few years ago that there was a pandemic preparedness office in the White House. What happened to that?
Maskless in Manhattan
Dear Maskless:
Yes there was such an office, but I got rid of it because it was created by Obama and everything he did was useless. As for the stockpile, that, too, was Obama’s responsibility and he left it pretty much empty. I only had a little over three years to replenish it so it’s clearly not my fault.
Dr. Trump


humortimes--2020-04-16--Worldwide Glut of Artificial Ignorance Traced to Rogue Arm of the Slobovian Secret Service

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Artificial Ignorance is undetectable from real ignorance and is often mistaken for artificial intelligence .
This report is part of the Dispatches from SNN ( Slobovian News Network ) series .
CZ*HRK ( this can not be translated into English ) , the head of the Slobovian Secret Service , has recently uncovered a plot by a rogue arm of his own organization , which is responsible for the glut of Artificial Ignorance that has afflicted people , IT @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The plot has been in effect for at least a decade and is deemed unstoppable .
It is said to be undetectable from real ignorance and is often mistaken for artificial intelligence .
It is rumored that both the United States Congress and the British Parliament is infected with Artificial Ignorance .
According to the SSS report , Artificial Ignorance was created by SSS agent Dr. Schitta Nofinger , one of the agency ’ s most decorated undercover agents and head of it ’ s PISSE division .
Dr. Nofinger is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 17 degrees in Physics , Chemistry and Math and is a certified NuMbuian Witch Doctor .
The phenomenon dates back to the 12th century in Slobovian lore .
The famous Slobovian soothsayer Phoophooboomulous stated that , “ Mankind was was born with an original ignorance as well as an original sin… mankind ’ s innate ability to create his own ignorance will one day overcome him and lead to his destruction.
” Dr. Nofinger is a devout disciple of PhooPhooboomulous and discovered the secret to manufacturing undetectable Artificial Intelligence while doing a LA @ @ @ @ @ @ @ year old rerun of Captain Kangaroo .
We at SNN are on Red Alert… it is feared that several of our reporters have been inflicted with malady .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Artificial Ignorance is undetectable from real ignorance and is often mistaken for artificial intelligence.
This report is part of the Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) series.
CZ*HRK (this cannot be translated into English), the head of the Slobovian Secret Service, has recently uncovered a plot by a rogue arm of his own organization, which is responsible for the glut of Artificial Ignorance that has afflicted people, IT systems and television sets across the world. The plot has been in effect for at least a decade and is deemed unstoppable.
It is said to be undetectable from real ignorance and is often mistaken for artificial intelligence. It is rumored that both the United States Congress and the British Parliament is infected with Artificial Ignorance.
According to the SSS report, Artificial Ignorance was created by SSS agent Dr. Schitta Nofinger, one of the agency’s most decorated undercover agents and head of it’s PISSE division. Dr. Nofinger is a former Miss Slobovia and has at least 17 degrees in Physics, Chemistry and Math and is a certified NuMbuian Witch Doctor.
The phenomenon dates back to the 12th century in Slobovian lore. The famous Slobovian soothsayer Phoophooboomulous stated that, “Mankind was was born with an original ignorance as well as an original sin… mankind’s innate ability to create his own ignorance will one day overcome him and lead to his destruction.”
Dr. Nofinger is a devout disciple of PhooPhooboomulous and discovered the secret to manufacturing undetectable Artificial Intelligence while doing a LA Times crossword puzzle and watching a 60 year old rerun of Captain Kangaroo.
We at SNN are on Red Alert… it is feared that several of our reporters have been inflicted with malady.


humortimes--2020-01-06--Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/6/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/6/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , happy new decade and welcome to the 2020 ’ s Not to mention , this past New Year ’ s Eve it was possible the stars of K-Pop and the Time Square balls all dropped at the same time .
Dog was found 2,000 miles away from home Cara Delevingne shared a pic of her and Ashley Benson kissing naked in a tub in honor of Ashley ’ s birthday Sounds like some people will do anything to audition for a Hallmark movie !
US kills Iran General Qassem Suleimani in strike @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s like Trump got edited out of ‘ Home Alone 2 ’ and into ‘ Wag the Dog.
’ Bill Cosby rep hits back again at Eddie Murphy over ‘ Saturday Night Live ’ dig What does pansexual mean and how does it compare with being bisexual ?
I don ’ t know , but sounds like it comes with a spicy side dish… Lori Loughlin hires prison expert to ‘ help her learn the ropes ’ if she serves time So , … that ’ s what Martha Stewart ’ s been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their wedding night they hired a ref to yell , ‘ Gooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaal !
‘ Jeez , really , why go to the movies to see ‘ 1917 ’ about WWl when you can catch WWIII for free on CNN ?
Body found in Idaho cave more than 40 years ago identified as bootlegger All that booze , no wonder he was so well preserved .
…wondering if Lily said , “ with this one ringy dingy I thee web… ” Putin says Trump ’ s impeachment is far-fetched and predicts the U.S. Senate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the last thing he pays for… Wired : That relief you feel when you let an expletive fly ?
It ’ s real .
It turns out swearing has health benefits F # % k , f # % k , sh*t , sh*tty , f # % k , f # % k , f # % k .
Ok , I don ’ t know about you , [ email protected ] $ hole , but I f # % king feel a sh*tload better !

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Happy New Year, happy new decade and welcome to the 2020’s
Not to mention, this past New Year’s Eve it was possible the stars of K-Pop and the Time Square balls all dropped at the same time.
Dog was found 2,000 miles away from home
… that’s like 14,000 in dog miles.
Cara Delevingne shared a pic of her and Ashley Benson kissing naked in a tub in honor of Ashley’s birthday
Sounds like some people will do anything to audition for a Hallmark movie!
US kills Iran General Qassem Suleimani in strike ordered by Trump
Damn, it’s like Trump got edited out of ‘Home Alone 2’ and into ‘Wag the Dog.’
Bill Cosby rep hits back again at Eddie Murphy over ‘Saturday Night Live’ dig
It’s like ’48 Hours’ versus ‘3 to 5 Years!’
What does pansexual mean and how does it compare with being bisexual?
I don’t know, but sounds like it comes with a spicy side dish…
Lori Loughlin hires prison expert to ‘help her learn the ropes’ if she serves time
So, … that’s what Martha Stewart’s been up to.
Soccer stars Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris are married
… wondering if on their wedding night they hired a ref to yell, ‘Gooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaal!‘
RIP former NBA Commissioner David Stern
Literally, a David in a land of Goliaths.
‘1917’ scores big limited release at pre-awards box office
Jeez, really, why go to the movies to see ‘1917’ about WWl when you can catch WWIII for free on CNN?
Body found in Idaho cave more than 40 years ago identified as bootlegger
All that booze, no wonder he was so well preserved.
Kathy Griffin’s wedding officiated by Lily Tomlin
…wondering if Lily said, “with this one ringy dingy I thee web…”
Putin says Trump’s impeachment is far-fetched and predicts the U.S. Senate will reject it
If it’s the last thing he pays for…
Wired: That relief you feel when you let an expletive fly? It’s real. It turns out swearing has health benefits
F#%k, f#%k, sh*t, sh*tty, f#%k, f#%k, f#%k. Ok, I don’t know about you, A@$hole, but I f#%king feel a sh*tload better!


humortimes--2020-01-05--In Real Shocker, ‘Wheel of Fortune’ Host Pat Sajak Snubs Blond

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Instead , the game show host flirts with homely Wheel of Fortune contestant .
BURBANK , CA — In a move that shocked the television viewing world , “ Wheel of Fortune ” host Pat Sajak flirted with a hideously ugly contestant , and in the process , snubbed a gorgeous blond contestant .
An audible gasp could be heard coming from the television studio audience as they witnessed history in the making .
The strange behavior from America @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had the show ’ s producers puzzled .
“ We knew something was seriously wrong .
Pat never flirts with anyone but the blond bombshells , ” said Amy Wheeler , one of the show ’ s long-time producers .
“ We really didn ’ t know what to do at the moment , so we quickly cut to commercial.
” Rita Higgins , the strikingly homely contestant from Rapid City , South Dakota who was the apple of Sajak ’ s eye that evening , could be seen grinning from ear to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so happy !
I was expecting Pat to do what everyone expects him to do and flirt with the dazzling damsel while totally ignoring the rest of us , ” Higgins told the Associated Press .
The bombshell in question , Rose Cook of Falls Church , Virginia , was visibly distraught .
“ I have never been so embarrassed in all my life .
Do you know how many Facebook likes I get when I change my profile picture ?
Well , do you ?
” Sajak didn ’ t have much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ either .
When Cook failed to make the bonus round , Sajak said to Cook , “ Here ’ s some party gifts now hit the bricks.
” An explanation of the horrifying event was given in a press release by Sajak ’ s publicist : “ Mr .
Sajak wasn ’ t feeling well and took a little too much cold medicine .
Pat would like to apologize to his many adoring fans .
He is at home resting and promises to be back to his old self soon.
” Despite the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had their best ratings ever with a .76 share , slightly edging out HGTV ’ s “ Love It Or List It .
”

Instead, the game show host flirts with homely Wheel of Fortune contestant.
BURBANK, CA — In a move that shocked the television viewing world, “Wheel of Fortune” host Pat Sajak flirted with a hideously ugly contestant, and in the process, snubbed a gorgeous blond contestant.
An audible gasp could be heard coming from the television studio audience as they witnessed history in the making. The strange behavior from America’s favorite game show host even had the show’s producers puzzled. “We knew something was seriously wrong. Pat never flirts with anyone but the blond bombshells,” said Amy Wheeler, one of the show’s long-time producers. “We really didn’t know what to do at the moment, so we quickly cut to commercial.”
Rita Higgins, the strikingly homely contestant from Rapid City, South Dakota who was the apple of Sajak’s eye that evening, could be seen grinning from ear to ear. “I’m just so happy! I was expecting Pat to do what everyone expects him to do and flirt with the dazzling damsel while totally ignoring the rest of us,” Higgins told the Associated Press.
The bombshell in question, Rose Cook of Falls Church, Virginia, was visibly distraught. “I have never been so embarrassed in all my life. Do you know how many Facebook likes I get when I change my profile picture? Well, do you?” Sajak didn’t have much to say to Cook during the taping either. When Cook failed to make the bonus round, Sajak said to Cook, “Here’s some party gifts now hit the bricks.”
An explanation of the horrifying event was given in a press release by Sajak’s publicist: “Mr. Sajak wasn’t feeling well and took a little too much cold medicine. Pat would like to apologize to his many adoring fans. He is at home resting and promises to be back to his old self soon.”
Despite the melee, “Wheel of Fortune” had their best ratings ever with a .76 share, slightly edging out HGTV’s “Love It Or List It.”


humortimes--2020-01-05--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Iran Towards War for a Diversion

Seeking a diversion from impeachment headlines , Trump puts US in peril yet again !
Tax cuts for the rich @ @ @ @ @ give me an uneasy feeling of deja-vu .
As commander-in-chief , Trump is responsible for @ @ @ @ @ .
Usually around a**holes .
Republicans always make a great big mess , and then @ @ @ @ @ it up fast enough !
You can run your mouth , but you can ’ @ @ @ @ @ The aftermath of war is always certain , with the worms fighting over us .
@ @ @ @ @ to transparency what ’ s going on .
Ask other whys you don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ only facts matter .
It ’ s getting hard to see the trees for the @ @ @ @ @ New Deal can help Mother Earth heal .
Every cloud has a silver lining , @ @ @ @ @ a one-percenter ’ s pocket .
Too much is not enough , they all aGREED @

Seeking a diversion from impeachment headlines, Trump puts US in peril yet again!
Tax cuts for the rich followed by acts of war give me an uneasy feeling of deja-vu.
Concurrent events know coincidence.
As commander-in-chief, Trump is responsible for US oops.
Shit happens. Usually around a**holes.
It takes a village, idiot.
Republicans always make a great big mess, and then blame Democrats for not cleaning it up fast enough!
You can run your mouth, but you can’t hide the truth.
The aftermath of war is always certain, with the worms fighting over us.
The public has a right to transparency what’s going on.
Ask other whys you don’t know.
Please remember folks, it’s freedom not freedumb.
In my opinion only facts matter.
A burning bush in Australia warns us: “Where there’s smoke there’s global warming!”
It’s getting hard to see the trees for the forest fires.
A Green New Deal can help Mother Earth heal.
Student loans: Ode to Debt.
Every cloud has a silver lining, which usually ends up in a one-percenter’s pocket.
Too much is not enough, they all aGREED.
Oppose those Bozos.


humortimes--2020-01-03--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Former Governor Rick Perry

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Secretary of Energy and Texas Governor Rick Perry .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is former Secretary of Energy and Texas Governor Rick Perry .
Howdy , Partner .
Do you want me to remove my cowboy hat ?
No .
Your brains might fall out .
I heard you tried to talk into an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ news .
I tried to surf the microwave .
You have an interesting story .
Graduated from Texas A & M with a BS in Animal Science .
What did you do with your degree ?
I learned the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts .
Beer nuts are two dollars , but deer nuts are under a buck .
Again , didn ’ t work out well .
Went to work on the family cotton farm .
That must have been hard .
Yep .
Pickin ’ cotton , drivin ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Texas heat .
Sweatin ’ like a hog .
Speakin ’ of which , we raised pigs .
Not really .
It was so damn hot , the momma pig always complained that she was bacon .
I left the farm and got into politics .
In 1984 , you were elected to the Texas legislature .
Lots of fun .
You work hard to get the job and do nothin ’ after that .
In 1990 , you became Agriculture Commissioner .
You ’ re cotton pickin ’ right .
Workin ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what way ?
I learned that happy farmers favorite candy was Jolly Rancher .
I cried .
It was like lobsters in the kitchen of the Titanic findin ’ out the ship was sinkin ’ .
In 2000 , you became the 47th Governor of Texas .
Lots of people counted you out of the race .
Well , the good Lord had a plan for me .
They say the Lord works in mysterious ways .
When He created Republicans , He gave up on everything else .
C ’ mon .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Duncan .
But there was this higher calling .
Rick Perry , President of the United States .
2015 .
You made a run for the Republican nomination .
You were against everything .
Climate change , Obamacare , the Department of Energy .
Fast forward two years .
During a Trump brain fart , you ended up being the Secretary of Energy .
Let me quote the Rick Perry we know .
“ George W. Bush did an incredible job in the presidency , defending us from freedom.
” No .
There @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ barking carnival act ” and a “ toxic mix of demagoguery , mean-spiritedness and nonsense.
” I ’ m not smart enough to say those things .
But the Lord came to me in my sleep and I realized I was wrong .
“ Trump is God ’ s chosen one .
And his authority comes from God.
” Yes .
Think about it .
If you and Sarah Palin made a baby , it would be Donald Trump .
A light bulb just went off in my head .
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sarah and I have something in common , we were both involved with Dancing With The Stars .
There ’ s chemistry between us .
Not to get technical , but according to chemistry , alcohol is a solution .
Thank you .
I need a drink right now .
Duncan , you remind me of when I was young and stupid .
Nothing ’ s changed except you ’ re old and stupid .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Secretary of Energy and Texas Governor Rick Perry.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former Secretary of Energy and Texas Governor Rick Perry.
JERRY
Good morning, Governor Perry.
GOVERNOR RICK PERRY
Howdy, Partner. Do you want me to remove my cowboy hat?
JERRY
No. Your brains might fall out. I heard you tried to talk into an envelope to send a voicemail.
PERRY
Fake news. I tried to surf the microwave.
JERRY
Huh?!
PERRY
Didn’t work out well.
JERRY
You have an interesting story. Graduated from Texas A&M with a BS in Animal Science. What did you do with your degree?
PERRY
I learned the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts. Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck. Again, didn’t work out well. Went to work on the family cotton farm.
JERRY
That must have been hard.
PERRY
Yep. Pickin’ cotton, drivin’ a tractor through the fields in sweltering Texas heat. Sweatin’ like a hog. Speakin’ of which, we raised pigs.
JERRY
Interesting.
PERRY
Not really. It was so damn hot, the momma pig always complained that she was bacon. I left the farm and got into politics.
JERRY
In 1984, you were elected to the Texas legislature.
PERRY
Lots of fun. You work hard to get the job and do nothin’ after that.
JERRY
In 1990, you became Agriculture Commissioner.
PERRY
You’re cotton pickin’ right. Workin’ on the farm paid off.
JERRY
In what way?
PERRY
I learned that happy farmers favorite candy was Jolly Rancher. I cried. It was like lobsters in the kitchen of the Titanic findin’ out the ship was sinkin’.
JERRY
In 2000, you became the 47th Governor of Texas. Lots of people counted you out of the race.
PERRY
Well, the good Lord had a plan for me.
JERRY
They say the Lord works in mysterious ways. When He created Republicans, He gave up on everything else.
PERRY
C’mon. I governed Texas for many years, Duncan. But there was this higher calling. Rick Perry, President of the United States.
JERRY
2015. You made a run for the Republican nomination. You were against everything. Climate change, Obamacare, the Department of Energy. Fast forward two years. During a Trump brain fart, you ended up being the Secretary of Energy. Let me quote the Rick Perry we know. “George W. Bush did an incredible job in the presidency, defending us from freedom.”
PERRY
One thing.
JERRY
No. There was more. You called Trump a “barking carnival act” and a “toxic mix of demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense.”
PERRY
I’m not smart enough to say those things.
JERRY
No argument there.
PERRY
But the Lord came to me in my sleep and I realized I was wrong. “Trump is God’s chosen one. And his authority comes from God.”
JERRY
Yes. Think about it. If you and Sarah Palin made a baby, it would be Donald Trump.
PERRY
A light bulb just went off in my head. I’m going to divorce my wife. Sarah and I have something in common, we were both involved with Dancing With The Stars. There’s chemistry between us.
JERRY
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
PERRY
Thank you. I need a drink right now. Duncan, you remind me of when I was young and stupid.
JERRY
Nothing’s changed except you’re old and stupid. See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-01-02--Karmatic Impeachment Alternatives for You-Know-Who

How the president could pay off his karma debt : Impeachment alternatives he should consider .
Here are some possibilities for our Complainer in Chief to pay off his karma debt for throwing the Ukraine to the Russian wolves , by not letting them have the military aid that was promised them when they needed it : Being embodied as a soldier at the Ukraine border and having to deal with well financed Russian military equipment being shot at him — like bullets , grenades and mortars .
Having a chunk of his world-wide properties in proportion to the size @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by a hostile foreign entity , like China or North Korea .
Going back in time and serving as a Dutch government official having to pick up the body pieces from the Malaysian plane shot down over Ukraine by the Russian militia .
This would be four days after the plane was shot down because of hampering by the Russian soldiers not wanting them to see what had happened .
Having to live as a Ukrainian citizen in Crimea after the Russians forcibly took over the peninsula and having to deal with new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to live as a farmer who lost his land to the Russian in Donbass , the most fertile part of what used to belong to Ukraine .
Being one of the 14,000 Ukrainians who have so far been killed in the Ukraine-Russian struggle .
Be one of the people ripped off by greedy former Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych who was a shameless Russian puppet .
Have to live like a Ukrainian still in Donbass under Russian occupation in a bombarded house held together by duct tape and plastic tarps .
Be one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the border where shells fall indiscriminately at any time .
Be one of the citizens of the border areas who is shot by one of the Russian snipers constantly on the lookout for a target .
Become a Ukrainian soldier at the front who has to use second rate military equipment to fight with while being protected by a shoddy bullet proof vest .

How the president could pay off his karma debt: Impeachment alternatives he should consider.
Here are some possibilities for our Complainer in Chief to pay off his karma debt for throwing the Ukraine to the Russian wolves, by not letting them have the military aid that was promised them when they needed it:
Being embodied as a soldier at the Ukraine border and having to deal with well financed Russian military equipment being shot at him — like bullets, grenades and mortars.
Having a chunk of his world-wide properties in proportion to the size that Crimea is to Ukraine taken over by a hostile foreign entity, like China or North Korea.
Going back in time and serving as a Dutch government official having to pick up the body pieces from the Malaysian plane shot down over Ukraine by the Russian militia. This would be four days after the plane was shot down because of hampering by the Russian soldiers not wanting them to see what had happened.
Having to live as a Ukrainian citizen in Crimea after the Russians forcibly took over the peninsula and having to deal with new oppressiveness from the new overlords.
Having to live as a farmer who lost his land to the Russian in Donbass, the most fertile part of what used to belong to Ukraine.
Being one of the 14,000 Ukrainians who have so far been killed in the Ukraine-Russian struggle.
Be one of the people ripped off by greedy former Ukrainian President Viktor Yanukovych who was a shameless Russian puppet.
Have to live like a Ukrainian still in Donbass under Russian occupation in a bombarded house held together by duct tape and plastic tarps.
Be one of the citizens of Avdiivka, Ukraine on the border where shells fall indiscriminately at any time.
Be one of the citizens of the border areas who is shot by one of the Russian snipers constantly on the lookout for a target.
Become a Ukrainian soldier at the front who has to use second rate military equipment to fight with while being protected by a shoddy bullet proof vest.


humortimes--2020-01-02--Bizzarro Thoughts for the New Year

Bizzarro Thoughts for the New Year

Here are some thoughts for the new year you probably didn ’ t think of .
Since when has it been OK to put chocolate in breakfast cereal ?
If both cars and cows are contributing to global warming , why don ’ t we just cut the problem in half and ride cows to work ?
If Donald Trump had been alive in the Roman times , would he have become a Caesar , or would someone have assassinated him long before he even got close to it ?
Since food companies got around the bad rap sugar has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ now , could they do the same for heroin by labeling it as ‘ processed poppy seeds ’ ?
Did Benjamin Button start getting Social Security right away when he was born ?
If Rick Perry thinks Donald Trump was chosen by God to be President , shouldn ’ t someone go check on God to make sure He doesn ’ t have Alzheimer ’ s ?
And while we are at it , maybe someone should check up on Rick Perry too .
Why can ’ t the Flat Earth Society @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the edge of it ?
Why does Russia keep wanting to take over more land and countries when they can ’ t even take care of what they have already ?
Why don ’ t we just devote one new TV channel exclusively to Donald Trump so that we can watch something else on all the rest of the channels ?
If it is OK for models to be plus size is it OK for me to have zits ?
Once China takes over all of Asia is it going to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good anime ?
Could it be that Icelanders are the only people who have it together in the world ?
They made a prosperous country out of ice , rock and ocean and you never see them getting into any wars .
If the Republicans want a republic , why do they keep acting like they want a dictatorship ?
Since the world is running out of oil maybe someone should make a real Jurassic Park to start replenishing the base material for it .
Since so many more roads have been built @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ How many roads must a man walk down ?
” isn ’ t it a moot point by now ?
With the opioid crisis in America getting worse , if we were to inject the involved pharmaceutical overlords with it , wouldn ’ t the problem take care of itself ?
Wouldn ’ t the U.S. be a much more fun place if the Republicans were to change over to being Rap-publicans ?
( It would be really uncool , though , if the Democrats were to become ‘ Demonocrats ’ , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ demonocracy , ’ which is a real word .
I know because I looked it up on Wikipedia , so there . )

Here are some thoughts for the new year you probably didn’t think of.
Since when has it been OK to put chocolate in breakfast cereal?
If both cars and cows are contributing to global warming, why don’t we just cut the problem in half and ride cows to work?
If Donald Trump had been alive in the Roman times, would he have become a Caesar, or would someone have assassinated him long before he even got close to it?
Since food companies got around the bad rap sugar has by labeling it as ‘cane sugar’ now, could they do the same for heroin by labeling it as ‘processed poppy seeds’?
Did Benjamin Button start getting Social Security right away when he was born?
If Rick Perry thinks Donald Trump was chosen by God to be President, shouldn’t someone go check on God to make sure He doesn’t have Alzheimer’s? And while we are at it, maybe someone should check up on Rick Perry too.
Why can’t the Flat Earth Society people just come up with a photo of the edge of it?
Why does Russia keep wanting to take over more land and countries when they can’t even take care of what they have already?
Why don’t we just devote one new TV channel exclusively to Donald Trump so that we can watch something else on all the rest of the channels?
If it is OK for models to be plus size is it OK for me to have zits?
Once China takes over all of Asia is it going to be hard to get good sushi? Or good anime?
Could it be that Icelanders are the only people who have it together in the world? They made a prosperous country out of ice, rock and ocean and you never see them getting into any wars.
If the Republicans want a republic, why do they keep acting like they want a dictatorship?
Since the world is running out of oil maybe someone should make a real Jurassic Park to start replenishing the base material for it.
Since so many more roads have been built in the world since Bob Dylan wrote “How many roads must a man walk down?” isn’t it a moot point by now?
With the opioid crisis in America getting worse, if we were to inject the involved pharmaceutical overlords with it, wouldn’t the problem take care of itself?
Wouldn’t the U.S. be a much more fun place if the Republicans were to change over to being Rap-publicans? (It would be really uncool, though, if the Democrats were to become ‘Demonocrats’, which would make our government a ‘demonocracy,’ which is a real word. I know because I looked it up on Wikipedia, so there.)


humortimes--2020-01-02--What If You Were to Own Your Own Power Company?

Own your own power co-op !
About 40 years ago , a right-wing codger named Eddie Chiles became a momentary political celebrity in my state by buying airtime on hundreds of radio stations to broadcast his daily political rants .
Having made a fortune in the Texas oil fields , he pitched himself as a rags-to-riches , self-made success story .
“ I ’ m Mad Eddie , ” as he was known , repeatedly proclaimed that he was “ mad ” about big government — particularly federal programs that taxed him to help poor people , who should help @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It ’ s simple , he instructed in the tagline to his tirades : “ If you don ’ t own your own oil well , get one.
” Well , maybe you can ’ t afford an oil well , but what if you could own something even bigger — an entire electric utility ?
What if you were to control an energy business that ’ s also an economic development engine and a grassroots force for advancing social justice ?
You wouldn ’ t own it all by yourself , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ owner , with a voice on everything from hiring to setting rates , from green energy to community investment .
This empowering populist possibility has quietly existed for millions of Americans since 1937 , when then-President Franklin Delano Roosevelt ’ s New Deal helped people create a vast network of member-owned and member-run rural electric cooperatives , or RECs .
While the barons of corporate-owned utilities serviced densely populated , easy-to-wire cities , they ignored rural areas as unprofitable , leaving families , businesses , schools and communities literally in the dark .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ rural gap in our country ’ s vital infrastructure — and the people rushed to cross it .
Before the New Deal , some 90 % of farm families had no electricity .
By 1953 , just 16 years later , more than 90 % of them were wired , opening rural America to a world of new economic , social and cultural opportunities .
Co-op electricity has transformed rural America , but the co-ops offer something even more electrifying : democratic power .
By law , every household that uses the electricity @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a board that has actual decision-making authority to control resources including cash flow , good jobs , a customer base , facilities and financial acumen .
Moreover , unlike the corporate ethic of shareholder supremacy ( in which maximizing profits of investor elites reigns supreme ) , these decentralized , grassroots utilities were guided by an egalitarian ethic formulated in 1937 : the seven Rochdale Principles of cooperative organization : With such a potent combination of power and principles — later expanded to include anti-discrimination , financial fairness and other components — RECs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rural Americans make broad-based social progress .
Indeed , in the past 30 years , some RECs have formally expanded their official purpose from simply providing electricity to also investing in such community needs as solar power , high-speed internet and financing for conservation retrofits .
Despite the strength and popular appeal of the co-op approach , RECs in regions where they are large and numerous ( the South , Midwest and Plains ) have hardly been models of dynamic progress .
Even when they face stagnant economies and widespread poverty , many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a toxic legacy of coal-fired power plants spewing pollutants .
What happened ?
In effect , these co-ops got taken over by closed networks of entrenched rural power ( bankers , real estate developers , ag-biz execs , old money families , trusted political retainers , et al. )
.
These interests have steadily tightened their grip on these valuable utilities by using their financial power , social standing and legal cunning to dominate board elections .
Once in , these boards throw Rochdale principles out the window .
Professional managers slide the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
In co-ops like these , the term “ member ” has effectively been shriveled to mean powerless consumer .
Thus , shut out of the governing circle , members lose the will to participate , leaving the co-op a hollowed-out shell of its big democratic idea .
A 2016 survey by the Institute for Local Self-Reliance found that 72 % of America ’ s REC board directors were elected by less than 10 % of members .
But as a co-op member , you do have a voice .
The good folks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their Rural Electric Cooperative Toolkit with resources for member-owners seeking to reassert the democratic principles on which their co-ops were founded .
The NEC works for an economy “ that meets human needs , enhances the quality of life , and allows us to live in balance with nature.
” Doesn ’ t that sound good ?
Check them out : neweconomy.net .

Own your own power co-op!
About 40 years ago, a right-wing codger named Eddie Chiles became a momentary political celebrity in my state by buying airtime on hundreds of radio stations to broadcast his daily political rants. Having made a fortune in the Texas oil fields, he pitched himself as a rags-to-riches, self-made success story. “I’m Mad Eddie,” as he was known, repeatedly proclaimed that he was “mad” about big government — particularly federal programs that taxed him to help poor people, who should help themselves by becoming oil entrepreneurs like him. It’s simple, he instructed in the tagline to his tirades: “If you don’t own your own oil well, get one.”
Well, maybe you can’t afford an oil well, but what if you could own something even bigger — an entire electric utility? What if you were to control an energy business that’s also an economic development engine and a grassroots force for advancing social justice? You wouldn’t own it all by yourself, but you would indeed be a full-fledged owner, with a voice on everything from hiring to setting rates, from green energy to community investment.
This empowering populist possibility has quietly existed for millions of Americans since 1937, when then-President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s New Deal helped people create a vast network of member-owned and member-run rural electric cooperatives, or RECs. While the barons of corporate-owned utilities serviced densely populated, easy-to-wire cities, they ignored rural areas as unprofitable, leaving families, businesses, schools and communities literally in the dark. Co-op ownership offered a bridge across this rural gap in our country’s vital infrastructure — and the people rushed to cross it. Before the New Deal, some 90% of farm families had no electricity. By 1953, just 16 years later, more than 90% of them were wired, opening rural America to a world of new economic, social and cultural opportunities.
Co-op electricity has transformed rural America, but the co-ops offer something even more electrifying: democratic power.
By law, every household that uses the electricity is a member and can vote for a board that has actual decision-making authority to control resources including cash flow, good jobs, a customer base, facilities and financial acumen. Moreover, unlike the corporate ethic of shareholder supremacy (in which maximizing profits of investor elites reigns supreme), these decentralized, grassroots utilities were guided by an egalitarian ethic formulated in 1937: the seven Rochdale Principles of cooperative organization:
Voluntary and open membership.
Democratic member control.
Members’ economic participation.
Autonomy and independence.
Education, training and information.
Cooperation among cooperatives.
Concern for community.
With such a potent combination of power and principles — later expanded to include anti-discrimination, financial fairness and other components — RECs can be a mighty force for helping rural Americans make broad-based social progress. Indeed, in the past 30 years, some RECs have formally expanded their official purpose from simply providing electricity to also investing in such community needs as solar power, high-speed internet and financing for conservation retrofits.
Despite the strength and popular appeal of the co-op approach, RECs in regions where they are large and numerous (the South, Midwest and Plains) have hardly been models of dynamic progress. Even when they face stagnant economies and widespread poverty, many co-ops charge exorbitant rates and cling to a toxic legacy of coal-fired power plants spewing pollutants.
What happened? In effect, these co-ops got taken over by closed networks of entrenched rural power (bankers, real estate developers, ag-biz execs, old money families, trusted political retainers, et al.). These interests have steadily tightened their grip on these valuable utilities by using their financial power, social standing and legal cunning to dominate board elections.
Once in, these boards throw Rochdale principles out the window. Professional managers slide the decision-making and co-op books behind closed doors. In co-ops like these, the term “member” has effectively been shriveled to mean powerless consumer. Thus, shut out of the governing circle, members lose the will to participate, leaving the co-op a hollowed-out shell of its big democratic idea. A 2016 survey by the Institute for Local Self-Reliance found that 72% of America’s REC board directors were elected by less than 10% of members.
But as a co-op member, you do have a voice. The good folks at the New Economy Coalition recently released their Rural Electric Cooperative Toolkit with resources for member-owners seeking to reassert the democratic principles on which their co-ops were founded. The NEC works for an economy “that meets human needs, enhances the quality of life, and allows us to live in balance with nature.” Doesn’t that sound good? Check them out: neweconomy.net.


humortimes--2020-01-07--Smoking Gun Submits Letter of Resignation

Hi , I ’ m Smoking Gun .
You may know me from any number of murder mysteries and old films .
In fact I , Smoking Gun , have played a central role many times including as a Maltese falcon , a library-based candlestick and even an actual smoking pistol .
I was honored and thrilled to expand my theatrical repertoire from the studios of Hollywood to the halls of Washington , D. C. In fact , you ’ re probably familiar with my two larger-than-life roles in the political dramas surrounding the Watergate break-in and the Bill Clinton @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I played an important role in Watergate .
As you ’ ll recall , I was the Oval Office tapes including a famous 18½-minute gap that brought down the Nixon White House .
People had to do a lot of investigating to find me .
I also figured prominently in Bill Clinton ’ s subsequent scandal .
What initially threatened to remain a he-said , she-said standoff blew wide open when I was eventually located in Monica Lewinsky ’ s closet in the form of a DNA-stained blue dress .
Recently I assumed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the biggest role of my career in the current Trump-Ukraine scandal .
When an unnamed whistleblower fingered Donald Trump as an impeachable felon , I was sure that I , Smoking Gun , would once again be called on to provide the final inculpatory evidence .
Well , that ’ s not the way it turned out .
Rather than wait for me to make my dramatic entrance , the President pretty much publicly admitted his latest crime right from the outset .
He said his incriminating telephone discussion with the Ukrainian president @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rudy and Mick even admitted to the existence of a quid pro quo .
This Trump fellow has broken the mold on everything including me .
How the hell can you have an effective impeachment process without the possible discovery of a smoking gun ?
Trump doesn ’ t seem to care a whit about drama and the elements of the narrative arc .
I ’ m flattered that everyone still pretends to look for me even when it ’ s pointless .
There is no John Dean to admit to a cover-up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to expose the President ’ s lie .
All you ’ ve got is a parade of witnesses confirming everything Trump has already said and admitted to .
I hadn ’ t planned on bowing out and taking early retirement but what choice do I really have ?
I was hoping , of course , for the big reveal when I , Smoking Gun , was discovered and changed everything .
Well , as they say in Hollywood , that ain ’ t gon na happen .
Some have suggested that I stay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Corroborating Evidence or maybe Quid Pro Quo .
But it ’ s too late for that ; there ’ s already a quid pro quo and you ’ ve got all the corroborating evidence you could possibly need .
As for me , it ’ s time to resign .
I can see the handwriting on the wall , the line in the sand and even the open-and-shut case .
My federal career is done , kaput , finished .
The only thing left is to head back to Hollywood and hope for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ revival .

Hi, I’m Smoking Gun. You may know me from any number of murder mysteries and old films.
In fact I, Smoking Gun, have played a central role many times including as a Maltese falcon, a library-based candlestick and even an actual smoking pistol.
I was honored and thrilled to expand my theatrical repertoire from the studios of Hollywood to the halls of Washington, D. C. In fact, you’re probably familiar with my two larger-than-life roles in the political dramas surrounding the Watergate break-in and the Bill Clinton affair.
With no false modesty, I played an important role in Watergate. As you’ll recall, I was the Oval Office tapes including a famous 18½-minute gap that brought down the Nixon White House. People had to do a lot of investigating to find me.
I also figured prominently in Bill Clinton’s subsequent scandal. What initially threatened to remain a he-said, she-said standoff blew wide open when I was eventually located in Monica Lewinsky’s closet in the form of a DNA-stained blue dress.
Recently I assumed that I would be taking on perhaps the biggest role of my career in the current Trump-Ukraine scandal. When an unnamed whistleblower fingered Donald Trump as an impeachable felon, I was sure that I, Smoking Gun, would once again be called on to provide the final inculpatory evidence.
Well, that’s not the way it turned out. Rather than wait for me to make my dramatic entrance, the President pretty much publicly admitted his latest crime right from the outset. He said his incriminating telephone discussion with the Ukrainian president was “perfect” and his sidekicks Rudy and Mick even admitted to the existence of a quid pro quo.
This Trump fellow has broken the mold on everything including me. How the hell can you have an effective impeachment process without the possible discovery of a smoking gun? Trump doesn’t seem to care a whit about drama and the elements of the narrative arc.
I’m flattered that everyone still pretends to look for me even when it’s pointless. There is no John Dean to admit to a cover-up and there’s no Monica Lewinsky to expose the President’s lie. All you’ve got is a parade of witnesses confirming everything Trump has already said and admitted to.
I hadn’t planned on bowing out and taking early retirement but what choice do I really have? I was hoping, of course, for the big reveal when I, Smoking Gun, was discovered and changed everything. Well, as they say in Hollywood, that ain’t gonna happen.
Some have suggested that I stay on and maybe change my name to Corroborating Evidence or maybe Quid Pro Quo. But it’s too late for that; there’s already a quid pro quo and you’ve got all the corroborating evidence you could possibly need.
As for me, it’s time to resign. I can see the handwriting on the wall, the line in the sand and even the open-and-shut case. My federal career is done, kaput, finished. The only thing left is to head back to Hollywood and hope for a small role in some film noir revival.


humortimes--2020-01-08--What’s the Charitable Thing to Do About Widespread Inequality?

The need for charity only exists because we ’ re tolerating widespread inequality created by power elites .
Our society has coined expressions like “ philanthropist ” and “ season of giving ” to encourage and hail people ’ s charitable spirit .
Look on the flip side of those shiny coins of generosity , however , and you ’ ll find that they ’ re made of a base substance of societal selfishness .
After all , the need for charity only exists because we ’ re tolerating intentional injustices and widespread inequality created by power elites .
A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ salutes its historic commitment to the deeply moral values of fairness , justice and equal opportunity ) ought not be relegating needy families and essential components of the common good to the vicissitudes of a season and the whims of a few rich philanthropists .
Yes , corporate and individual donations can help at the margins , but they don ’ t fix anything .
Thus , food banks , health clinics , etc .
must constantly scrounge for more charity , while big donors have their “ charitable spirit ” subsidized with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ public treasury .
Especially offensive is the common grandiose assertion by fat-cat donors that charity is their way of “ giving back ” to society .
Hello — if they can give so much , it ’ s probably because they ’ ve been taking too much !
As business columnist Andrew Ross Sorkin points out , “ All too often , charitable gifts are used … to make up for the failure of companies to pay people a living wage and treat their workers with dignity.
” Sorkin notes that it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on food banks but janitors , nannies , Uber drivers , checkout clerks and others who work full time but are so poorly paid they can ’ t make ends meet .
That ’ s not a sad charity case but a matter of criminal exploitation by wealthy elites — and the charitable thing to do is to outlaw it and require a living wage for all .
We must shift from charity to fundamental structural change .
“ The aim , ” says Sorkin , “ should be to create a society @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like food banks in the first place .
… we should be trying to put the food banks out of business.
” In the absence of structural change , our society relies on charity and government programs to address issues regarding poverty and hunger .
While it ’ s fashionable in many enclaves of the rich to bemoan government programs that use tax dollars to aid the poor , guess who receives by far the fattest benefits from the public treasury .
Bingo — if you said the rich !
Consider recent actions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of agriculture , Sonny Perdue .
He ’ s been dubbed the “ Georgia Goober ” for his ignorant insults and preposterous policies , and he issued a harsh new regulation in December that ’ s both .
It slaps poor people living in depressed areas with a sneering work requirement in order to be eligible for meager food stamp benefits , which amount to only about $ 127 a month .
Yes , Perdue is literally taking food from poor people , piously claiming it ’ ll help them become self-sufficient .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ American dream , ” preached Purdue , who has personally been dependent on a government check for more than two decades .
Crass hypocrisy , however , is integral to the Donnie & Sonny policy approach .
Last year , they pushed out a $ 28 billion tax bailout for farmers impacted by Trump ’ s inept tariff tiff with China .
Many U.S. farm families have been wrecked by Trump ’ s failed ag policies , but they ’ re not the ones who got the Trump government ’ s helping hand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the biggest , richest agribusiness interests that neither needed nor deserved a public handout — about 75 % of the total was taken by the largest 10 % of farm corporations ( including foreign-owned operations ) .
And , unlike a food stamp recipient getting a pittance to buy a little bit of food , some ag-biz outfits pocketed more than $ 2 million each from us .
But wait .
Trump and Perdue have more meanness in store for the poor .
They ’ re pushing another federal regulation that ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ low-income family has barely $ 2,000 in “ assets.
” Hello — that means a family that has an old used car to get to their poverty-wage jobs would be denied food assistance .
What ’ s wrong with these shameful public officials who perversely pamper the rich while taking pleasure in punishing the poor ?
It ’ s immoral .

The need for charity only exists because we’re tolerating widespread inequality created by power elites.
Our society has coined expressions like “philanthropist” and “season of giving” to encourage and hail people’s charitable spirit.
Look on the flip side of those shiny coins of generosity, however, and you’ll find that they’re made of a base substance of societal selfishness. After all, the need for charity only exists because we’re tolerating intentional injustices and widespread inequality created by power elites.
A supremely wealthy society (which so loudly salutes its historic commitment to the deeply moral values of fairness, justice and equal opportunity) ought not be relegating needy families and essential components of the common good to the vicissitudes of a season and the whims of a few rich philanthropists. Yes, corporate and individual donations can help at the margins, but they don’t fix anything. Thus, food banks, health clinics, etc. must constantly scrounge for more charity, while big donors have their “charitable spirit” subsidized with tax breaks that siphon money from our public treasury.
Especially offensive is the common grandiose assertion by fat-cat donors that charity is their way of “giving back” to society. Hello — if they can give so much, it’s probably because they’ve been taking too much! As business columnist Andrew Ross Sorkin points out, “All too often, charitable gifts are used … to make up for the failure of companies to pay people a living wage and treat their workers with dignity.”
Sorkin notes that it’s not just the unemployed who rely on food banks but janitors, nannies, Uber drivers, checkout clerks and others who work full time but are so poorly paid they can’t make ends meet. That’s not a sad charity case but a matter of criminal exploitation by wealthy elites — and the charitable thing to do is to outlaw it and require a living wage for all.
We must shift from charity to fundamental structural change. “The aim,” says Sorkin, “should be to create a society where we don’t need places like food banks in the first place. … we should be trying to put the food banks out of business.”
In the absence of structural change, our society relies on charity and government programs to address issues regarding poverty and hunger. While it’s fashionable in many enclaves of the rich to bemoan government programs that use tax dollars to aid the poor, guess who receives by far the fattest benefits from the public treasury. Bingo — if you said the rich!
Consider recent actions by President Donald Trump’s secretary of agriculture, Sonny Perdue. He’s been dubbed the “Georgia Goober” for his ignorant insults and preposterous policies, and he issued a harsh new regulation in December that’s both. It slaps poor people living in depressed areas with a sneering work requirement in order to be eligible for meager food stamp benefits, which amount to only about $127 a month. Yes, Perdue is literally taking food from poor people, piously claiming it’ll help them become self-sufficient. “Government dependency has never been the American dream,” preached Purdue, who has personally been dependent on a government check for more than two decades.
Crass hypocrisy, however, is integral to the Donnie & Sonny policy approach. Last year, they pushed out a $28 billion tax bailout for farmers impacted by Trump’s inept tariff tiff with China. Many U.S. farm families have been wrecked by Trump’s failed ag policies, but they’re not the ones who got the Trump government’s helping hand. The bulk of the billions went to the biggest, richest agribusiness interests that neither needed nor deserved a public handout — about 75% of the total was taken by the largest 10% of farm corporations (including foreign-owned operations). And, unlike a food stamp recipient getting a pittance to buy a little bit of food, some ag-biz outfits pocketed more than $2 million each from us.
But wait. Trump and Perdue have more meanness in store for the poor. They’re pushing another federal regulation that’d cut off food stamps if a low-income family has barely $2,000 in “assets.” Hello — that means a family that has an old used car to get to their poverty-wage jobs would be denied food assistance.
What’s wrong with these shameful public officials who perversely pamper the rich while taking pleasure in punishing the poor? It’s immoral.


humortimes--2020-01-13--Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/13/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/13/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Duchess of Sussex have said in a statement they “ intend to step back as ‘ senior ’ members of the Royal Family ” Or , as it ’ s also known , “ Sussexit.
” Ron Howard gets in a Twitter feud with Trump Looks like Gervais ’ s next film will be ‘ Burning Bridges of Madison County.
’ Harvey Weinstein showed up in court using a walker Dude , literally doesn ’ t have a leg to stand on .
Harry Styles leaves $ 2,020 tip after dinner with Adele @ @ @ @ @ @ @ generous considering the wait staff was made up of his ex-One Direction bandmates .
Bristol Palin reveals she ’ s single again one month after going Instagram official with Janson Moore No surprise to Putin who could see this coming from his house… … .
Pretty good deals if you used one of those 20 % off coupons .
Arizona Republican introduces bill to ban the word “ homosexuality ” from public schools Next up , forcing a name change for Dairy Queen .
The Oscars will be host-less , once again Well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ in last year ’ s ‘ In Memoriam.
‘ People are shocked at the size of Kim Kardashian ’ s refrigerator … I hear it was originally a much smaller refrigerator but she had work done on it .
Melania Trump threatens to sue anyone claiming she used to be a hooker Uh , this sounds like she ’ s still open for business .

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex have said in a statement they “intend to step back as ‘senior’ members of the Royal Family”
Or, as it’s also known, “Sussexit.”
Ron Howard gets in a Twitter feud with Trump
So, it’s Opie vs. Gropie.
‘Hustlers’ real-life strip club host sues producers, J Lo production co. for $40 mil
… in singles!
Ricky Gervais takes aim at Hollywood in Golden Globes opening monologue
Looks like Gervais’s next film will be ‘Burning Bridges of Madison County.’
Harvey Weinstein showed up in court using a walker
Dude, literally doesn’t have a leg to stand on.
Harry Styles leaves $2,020 tip after dinner with Adele and James Corden on Anguilla vacation
Mighty generous considering the wait staff was made up of his ex-One Direction bandmates.
Trump calls Pelosi the “most overrated person I know”
Yup, she’s the General Mattis of House Speakers.
RIP Buck Henry
Heaven could’ve waited!
Bristol Palin reveals she’s single again one month after going Instagram official with Janson Moore
No surprise to Putin who could see this coming from his house…
Bed Bath & Beyond sells headquarters, other real estate
…. Pretty good deals if you used one of those 20% off coupons.
Arizona Republican introduces bill to ban the word “homosexuality” from public schools
Next up, forcing a name change for Dairy Queen.
The Oscars will be host-less, once again
Well, they did list ‘Oscar Host’ in last year’s ‘In Memoriam.‘
People are shocked at the size of Kim Kardashian’s refrigerator
… I hear it was originally a much smaller refrigerator but she had work done on it.
Melania Trump threatens to sue anyone claiming she used to be a hooker
Uh, this sounds like she’s still open for business.