humortimes--2020-01-13--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: We Beseech, You Impeach!

Come on , Republicans , we beseech you , put on your big boy Pence and impeach Trump .
The @ @ @ @ @ offense , and Trump certainly is offensive .
Hiss-story is filled with snakes in the @ @ @ @ @ soil ?
Does Trump think he ’ s Vladimir Putin ?
I long for the @ @ @ @ @ the lunatic fringe was obscene but not heard .
Weinstein , a predator throughout his @ @ @ @ @ career .
ReSISTERS fight for equal rights and Me Too !
Just call it FARCEBOOK @ @ @ @ @ by a clown .
One-percenters own US to bone US .
Petrol the environment at @ @ @ @ @ !
If you make a mountain out of a molehill you might never get over @ @ @ @ @ or die trying .

Come on, Republicans, we beseech you, put on your big boy Pence and impeach Trump.
The best defense is a good offense, and Trump certainly is offensive.
Hiss-story is filled with snakes in the grass.
Assassinations on foreign soil? Does Trump think he’s Vladimir Putin?
Liars diss proof, scoundrels diss honor, and cowards diss courage.
The GOP party-line keeps making “phoney” calls.
Daze of whine and poses.
In ’16 Trump ran angry. In ’20 he’s running scared!
I long for the good old days, when the lunatic fringe was obscene but not heard.
Weinstein, a predator throughout his career, threw out his career.
Don’t be victimidated.
ReSISTERS fight for equal rights and Me Too!
Just call it FARCEBOOK since it’s run by a clown.
One-percenters own US to bone US.
Climate change is everything.
Petrol the environment at your own risk.
A smart man answers questions, a wise man questions answers.
Every religion believes it’s rite.
Careful! If you make a mountain out of a molehill you might never get over it.
Live your life or die trying.


humortimes--2020-01-13--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
My guests today are Republican Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham .
My feet are killing me .
I told you not to wear high heels for the interview , Graham Cracker .
Don ’ t listen to the Turtle .
It matches your handbag .
Moving on .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ begin soon .
Neither one of you want to call witnesses or accept documents as testimony .
It ’ s going to be a sham trial .
I don ’ t need to call witnesses .
I ’ m ready to vote .
I have disdain for the accusations and the process .
Trump withheld $ 400 million in aid to the Ukraine authorized by Congress .
He wanted dirt on Vice President Joe Biden in return .
I have no clue why the aid was withheld , but I ’ m happy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t stand behind the Ukrainians .
That ’ s the real crime .
Yeah .
He only provided medical supplies and night vision devices .
What a joke .
It ’ s like Christmas without presents .
Speaking of which .
I understand Christmas is your favorite holiday , Snaggletooth .
How do you know ?
Because you can eat , drink and be Mary .
( giggles ) That ’ s funny , Duncan .
I haven ’ t laughed so hard since I stopped the Obama nomination of Merrick Garland @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good reason .
Republicans didn ’ t trust Obama .
Do you know the real reason Obama didn ’ t release his birth certificate ?
Because he smoked it in college .
Quit dancing around the issue .
Trump is guilty .
He wanted a favor from the Ukrainians in return for military aid .
They are in the Articles of Impeachment .
I haven ’ t seen them , because Speaker Pelosi is playing keep away from the Senate .
The door bursts open and Nancy Pelosi enters the studio .
Yes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ until you agree to have witnesses in the Senate Trial .
I can ’ t .
Mick Mulvaney is in Ireland at a Leprechaun convention .
No .
He ’ s shaving it for later .
He ’ s giving Bible lessons to Pygmies in the Congo .
How about anyone ?
The president got it right .
No collusion , no obstruction .
No quid pro quo .
No balls .
No brain .
No morals .
Are you talking about Trump ?
No .
I ’ m talking about you .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ashamed of your behavior .
Lindsey .
You ’ re acting like a kook , because you always want to be the center of attention .
Should I tell them , Graham Cracker ?
Tell us what ?
( laughs ) When I was 6 years old , I yukked it up with drunks for laughs at my dad ’ s bar .
I would take drags of cigarettes still burning in ash trays and steal beers .
The patrons nicknamed me “ Stink Ball.
” You ’ ve evolved from “ Stink @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Even dogs won ’ t sniff you .
Hey , Pelosi .
As long as you ’ re here , give the Turtle the Articles of Impeachment so we can have the Senate Trial .
Pretty please with a cherry on top ?
Okay , Mitch .
Bend over and pull down your briefs .
McConnell bends over .
Pelosi shoves the Articles of Impeachment up his rear .
Ouch !
!
Now I know how a Muppet feels .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Republican Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are Republican Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham.
SENATOR LINDSEY GRAHAM
My feet are killing me.
SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL
I told you not to wear high heels for the interview, Graham Cracker.
JERRY
Don’t listen to the Turtle. It matches your handbag. Moving on. The Impeachment Trial in the Senate will begin soon. Neither one of you want to call witnesses or accept documents as testimony. It’s going to be a sham trial.
GRAHAM
I don’t need to call witnesses. I’m ready to vote. I have disdain for the accusations and the process.
MCCONNELL
I’m not an impartial juror.
JERRY
Trump withheld $400 million in aid to the Ukraine authorized by Congress. He wanted dirt on Vice President Joe Biden in return.
MCCONNELL
I have no clue why the aid was withheld, but I’m happy they got it. President Obama didn’t stand behind the Ukrainians. That’s the real crime.
GRAHAM
Yeah. He only provided medical supplies and night vision devices. What a joke. It’s like Christmas without presents.
JERRY
Speaking of which. I understand Christmas is your favorite holiday, Snaggletooth.
GRAHAM
How do you know?
JERRY
Because you can eat, drink and be Mary.
MCCONNELL
(giggles) That’s funny, Duncan. I haven’t laughed so hard since I stopped the Obama nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court.
GRAHAM
And for good reason. Republicans didn’t trust Obama. Do you know the real reason Obama didn’t release his birth certificate?
JERRY
No.
GRAHAM
Because he smoked it in college.
JERRY
Quit dancing around the issue. Trump is guilty. He wanted a favor from the Ukrainians in return for military aid. They are in the Articles of Impeachment.
MCCONNELL
I haven’t seen them, because Speaker Pelosi is playing keep away from the Senate.
The door bursts open and Nancy Pelosi enters the studio.
HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI
Yes. I’m keeping the Articles until you agree to have witnesses in the Senate Trial.
MCCONNELL
I can’t. Mick Mulvaney is in Ireland at a Leprechaun convention.
PELOSI
What about Lip Warmer John Bolton?
MCCONNELL
No. He’s shaving it for later.
PELOSI
Vice President Pence.
MCCONNELL
He’s giving Bible lessons to Pygmies in the Congo.
PELOSI
How about anyone?
MCCONNELL
Jeffrey Epstein.
PELOSI
He’s dead.
MCCONNELL
You blew it. I offered.
GRAHAM
The president got it right. No collusion, no obstruction. No quid pro quo.
JERRY
No balls. No brain. No morals.
GRAHAM
Are you talking about Trump?
JERRY
No. I’m talking about you. Your buddy Senator John McCain would be ashamed of your behavior.
PELOSI
Lindsey. You’re acting like a kook, because you always want to be the center of attention.
MCCONNELL
Should I tell them, Graham Cracker?
JERRY
Tell us what?
GRAHAM
(laughs) When I was 6 years old, I yukked it up with drunks for laughs at my dad’s bar. I would take drags of cigarettes still burning in ash trays and steal beers. The patrons nicknamed me “Stink Ball.”
PELOSI
You’ve evolved from “Stink Ball” to “Stink Butt.” Even dogs won’t sniff you.
JERRY
Hey, Pelosi. As long as you’re here, give the Turtle the Articles of Impeachment so we can have the Senate Trial.
MCCONNELL
Pretty please with a cherry on top?
PELOSI
Okay, Mitch. Bend over and pull down your briefs.
McConnell bends over. Pelosi shoves the Articles of Impeachment up his rear.
MCONNELL
Ouch!! Now I know how a Muppet feels.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-01-16--Businessman Trump: Putin Paying $1 Billion to Bomb Ukraine

“ If our military is good enough for Saudi Arabia , it ’ s good enough for Russia , ” the President said .
“ After all , a billion bucks to bomb Ukraine is a billion bucks , minus my Finder ’ s Fee , of course.
” WASHINGTON DC — Donald Trump announced today that Russian president Vladimir Putin has paid the United States over 60 billion rubles , or one billion dollars American , to bomb Ukraine .
Most of the money , he noted , will go towards building his “ great wall ” between the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a gig ’ s a gig , ” Trump explained to a gaggle of reporters on the White House lawn , “ and 60 billion rubles is 60 billion rubles , even at current exchange rates !
We have the finest military in the world , thanks to our taxpayers , and at the moment , most of it is just lying there useless and idle , apart from in Afghanistan , Iraq , Syria , northern Africa , western Europe , south-east Asia and Venezuela .
Oops , scratch that last one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ news !
” The President stressed that most of Russia ’ s money will go towards building America ’ s wall on its southern border , “ now that the Democrats and Mexico have welched on their agreements to pay for it .
Lock them all up !
” Trump revealed that he was approached by Putin soon after announcing that the US had hired out its “ unused troops and tanks ” to Saudi Arabia for “ our standard going fee , a billion dollars plus tax.
” He went on : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we still have thousands of military spares , including tough guys , bombs and planes , that are not killing people or blowing things up .
Frankly , they ’ re just costing us money so why not hire them out to the highest bidder ?
That ’ s one of the ways you run a country like a business , believe me.
” Responding to a question , the President said that Putin ’ s payment was “ currently in a bank in the Caymans or maybe Panama , ” which he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ security concerns.
” He noted that he himself would “ of course ” be deducting a “ modest but perfectly normal , ethical and appropriate finder ’ s fee , ” though he declined to say how much because of “ executive privilege.
” As he boarded Marine One Trump shouted : “ But tell Zelensky that if he suddenly finds something on Biden or maybe Sanders I ’ ll call off the bombing .
Some things are more important than money , you know !
”

“If our military is good enough for Saudi Arabia, it’s good enough for Russia,” the President said. “After all, a billion bucks to bomb Ukraine is a billion bucks, minus my Finder’s Fee, of course.”
WASHINGTON DC — Donald Trump announced today that Russian president Vladimir Putin has paid the United States over 60 billion rubles, or one billion dollars American, to bomb Ukraine. Most of the money, he noted, will go towards building his “great wall” between the US and Mexico.
“Listen, a gig’s a gig,” Trump explained to a gaggle of reporters on the White House lawn, “and 60 billion rubles is 60 billion rubles, even at current exchange rates! We have the finest military in the world, thanks to our taxpayers, and at the moment, most of it is just lying there useless and idle, apart from in Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, northern Africa, western Europe, south-east Asia and Venezuela. Oops, scratch that last one, I never said that. Fake news!”
The President stressed that most of Russia’s money will go towards building America’s wall on its southern border, “now that the Democrats and Mexico have welched on their agreements to pay for it. Lock them all up!”
Trump revealed that he was approached by Putin soon after announcing that the US had hired out its “unused troops and tanks” to Saudi Arabia for “our standard going fee, a billion dollars plus tax.”
He went on: “It’s a disgrace that we still have thousands of military spares, including tough guys, bombs and planes, that are not killing people or blowing things up. Frankly, they’re just costing us money so why not hire them out to the highest bidder? That’s one of the ways you run a country like a business, believe me.”
Responding to a question, the President said that Putin’s payment was “currently in a bank in the Caymans or maybe Panama,” which he refused to name because of “national security concerns.” He noted that he himself would “of course” be deducting a “modest but perfectly normal, ethical and appropriate finder’s fee,” though he declined to say how much because of “executive privilege.”
As he boarded Marine One Trump shouted: “But tell Zelensky that if he suddenly finds something on Biden or maybe Sanders I’ll call off the bombing. Some things are more important than money, you know!”


humortimes--2020-01-16--Secret Memo Unearthed to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex!

Humor Times exclusive !
PR firm to Duke and Duchess of Sussex Harry & Meghan on their recent separation from the Royal Family .
TO : The Duke and Duchess of Sussex FROM : William “ Bill ” Ofgoods Smoke and Mirrors Public Relations Inc. Just a note to say congrats on the big move away from the Royal Family to a new private life .
Great decision and I think we can help with the transition .
I don ’ t mean to be an alarmist but I think you should be aware of historical parallels that could be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of course , to your great-great-uncle the Duke of Windsor .
Your unilateral declaration of semi-independence may have been a bit rushed .
Sure , it ’ s nice to be financially independent but do you really want to give up your Royal allowance ?
Even the Duke of Windsor negotiated a sweet deal before riding off into the sunset .
We ’ ve prepared a P.R .
plan to shore up relations with your grandmother , the Queen .
Let ’ s just say that you don ’ t want to piss @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or two might be in order .
Now I know you ’ ve expressed a preference for a Commonwealth country but I hope you ’ re not wedded to that choice .
After all , who is more infatuated with the Royals than the American public ?
And , if you want to take maximum advantage of your celebrity , America ’ s the place for you , particularly L.A. No need to decide right away but do give it some thought .
How does America ’ s First Royal Family sound ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ as far as your goal of becoming financially independent , we ’ ve been brainstorming like crazy .
Let ’ s face it ; America loves royalty , especially if one of you is actually American .
Thus , we ’ re looking at a whole range of potential royal endorsements .
No old-fashioned stuffy warrants like Royal Doulton china or Burberry coats .
We want to capitalize on your modern royal vibe and patronize everything from electronics to pharmaceuticals .
The Harry & Meghan iPhone ?
Why not ?
Or even a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ For long term growth , we recommend getting into the franchising field .
America already has its royal fast food restaurants like Burger King and Dairy Queen .
Let ’ s take the next logical step and start your own new chain called Pizza Prince .
Imagine the TV ads with you and Meghan giving four big royal thumbs up to the weekly Crown specials .
Speaking of TV , have you considered your own talk show ?
That ’ s where American royalty like Oprah and Ellen make their millions .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ show complete with royal lifestyle hints and suggestions and hopefully a lineup of guests from the Royal Family itself including Prince Andrew , Princess Anne and Sarah Ferguson .
We ’ ve got folks already working on the format , content and title of the show .
Right now , I ’ m leaning heavily towards “ Tea Time with Harry and Meghan ” although , in this age of single name celebrities , “ Meghan & Harry ” might work , too .
First things first , of course .
Without that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need some seed funding to get started in your new financially independent life .
We ’ ve taken the step of starting a GoFundMe page for you with the modest goal of five million dollars to help you folks out .
I ’ m pleased to report that we ’ ve already reached a total of $ 355 , including a generous gift of one hundred pounds from an Elizabeth Windsor .
If our proposals interest you , feel free to call or email any time .
I ’ d love to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ life including a tour of a Walmart , a middle class real estate seminar and how to live on a six-figure income .

Humor Times exclusive! PR firm to Duke and Duchess of Sussex Harry & Meghan on their recent separation from the Royal Family.
MEMO
TO: The Duke and Duchess of Sussex
FROM: William “Bill” Ofgoods
Smoke and Mirrors Public Relations Inc.
Hi Harry and Megs,
Just a note to say congrats on the big move away from the Royal Family to a new private life. Great decision and I think we can help with the transition.
I don’t mean to be an alarmist but I think you should be aware of historical parallels that could be problematic. I’m referring, of course, to your great-great-uncle the Duke of Windsor.
Your unilateral declaration of semi-independence may have been a bit rushed. Sure, it’s nice to be financially independent but do you really want to give up your Royal allowance? Even the Duke of Windsor negotiated a sweet deal before riding off into the sunset.
We’ve prepared a P.R. plan to shore up relations with your grandmother, the Queen. Let’s just say that you don’t want to piss off Her Majesty so an olive branch or two might be in order.
Now I know you’ve expressed a preference for a Commonwealth country but I hope you’re not wedded to that choice. After all, who is more infatuated with the Royals than the American public? And, if you want to take maximum advantage of your celebrity, America’s the place for you, particularly L.A. No need to decide right away but do give it some thought. How does America’s First Royal Family sound? Not bad, eh?
Now, as far as your goal of becoming financially independent, we’ve been brainstorming like crazy. Let’s face it; America loves royalty, especially if one of you is actually American.
Thus, we’re looking at a whole range of potential royal endorsements. No old-fashioned stuffy warrants like Royal Doulton china or Burberry coats. We want to capitalize on your modern royal vibe and patronize everything from electronics to pharmaceuticals. The Harry & Meghan iPhone? Why not? Or even a Royal OK for Zoloft or Viagra.
For long term growth, we recommend getting into the franchising field. America already has its royal fast food restaurants like Burger King and Dairy Queen. Let’s take the next logical step and start your own new chain called Pizza Prince. Imagine the TV ads with you and Meghan giving four big royal thumbs up to the weekly Crown specials.
Speaking of TV, have you considered your own talk show? That’s where American royalty like Oprah and Ellen make their millions.
We see you two hosting your own daytime show complete with royal lifestyle hints and suggestions and hopefully a lineup of guests from the Royal Family itself including Prince Andrew, Princess Anne and Sarah Ferguson. We’ve got folks already working on the format, content and title of the show. Right now, I’m leaning heavily towards “Tea Time with Harry and Meghan” although, in this age of single name celebrities, “Meghan & Harry” might work, too.
First things first, of course. Without that royal stipend you’re going to need some seed funding to get started in your new financially independent life. We’ve taken the step of starting a GoFundMe page for you with the modest goal of five million dollars to help you folks out. I’m pleased to report that we’ve already reached a total of $355, including a generous gift of one hundred pounds from an Elizabeth Windsor.
If our proposals interest you, feel free to call or email any time. I’d love to get started helping you transition to your new life including a tour of a Walmart, a middle class real estate seminar and how to live on a six-figure income.


humortimes--2020-01-16--Doing the Tax Dodge Tap Dance

Doing the Tax Dodge Tap Dance

Doing the tax dodge tap dance is complicated , requiring sophisticated techniques and tricky maneuvers .
Sen. Russell Long , the powerful Senate Finance Committee chair from 1966 to 1981 from the great state of Louisiana , liked to recite a little jingle highlighting the thorny political process of tax dodge reform : “ Don ’ t tax you .
Don ’ t tax me .
Tax that man behind the tree.
” Yes , let ’ s do just that !
Today , our nominee for “ that man behind the tree ” is the superrich — the 0.1 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or so , these plutocratic elites have used their political clout to create a radical level of wealth inequality that is tearing our country apart .
The gap has become a chasm , separating the lavish fortunes of a privileged few from the well-being of the many .
Currently , this small fraction of our country now owns the same amount of wealth as the bottom 90 % of our country — a statistic that has not been seen in our country since prior to World War II .
This wealth gap is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ideals , fundamentally unjust and socially destructive — in a word , un-American .
In large part , the fortunate few have amassed and expanded their vast fortunes by hiding in the forest of tax policies that let them avoid paying their fair share .
Of course , doing the tax dodge tap dance is complicated , requiring sophisticated techniques and tricky maneuvers perpetrated by a large but secretive industry of pricy tax lawyers , lobbyists , wealth managers and other fixers to exploit special exemptions , convoluted loopholes and arcane breaks .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ with a wide selection of underground channels ranging from exotic offshore tax shelters to the ultimate dodge : renouncing U.S. citizenship .
For a lesson on how to tap-dance around one ’ s tax obligation , follow the lead of Jared Kushner , President Donald Trump ’ s son-in-law and White House senior adviser .
A 2018 New York Times investigation reveals that a few years prior to becoming a Trump operative , Kushner and his family ’ s real estate corporation spent billions buying up properties , quintupling Kushner ’ s net @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Yet , according to financial documents , the lucky lad appears to have paid little or no federal income tax from 2009 through 2016 !
Why ?
Largely because a special tax break allows big-time developers to take depreciation deductions for losses caused by wear and tear on their properties .
But — watch the fancy footwork here — various buildings owned by Kushner appear to have suffered no actual losses and , in fact , have likely increased in value .
The trick is that the depreciation provision assumes such properties decline @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they clearly do not .
Then came a spectacular buck-and-wing dance move : The law allows developers themselves to calculate depreciation — and the IRS almost never audits those claims .
In 2015 , for example , Kushner pocketed $ 1.7 million in income but claimed $ 8.3 million in losses from “ significant depreciation ” in his real estate holdings .
Another break allows developers to dodge capital gains taxes when they make a profit selling property .
That income , if used within a short time to buy other properties , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
— tax law subsidizes them to accumulate yet more wealth and do the tax-dodge dance on an even bigger scale .
The Times found that this break helped the Kushners profit from more than $ 2 billion in real estate sales yet helped Jared Kushner avoid taxes on that income .
Once ensconced in the White House , Kushner promptly helped his daddy-in-law pass a big package of new corporate tax breaks .
Surprisingly , there were real reforms that eliminated some of the capital gains flimflam from which both he and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Kushner-Trump “ reform ” included an exception that allows one particular business group to keep profiting from the flimflam : real estate developers .
And that , children , is how the rich become superrich .

Doing the tax dodge tap dance is complicated, requiring sophisticated techniques and tricky maneuvers.
Sen. Russell Long, the powerful Senate Finance Committee chair from 1966 to 1981 from the great state of Louisiana, liked to recite a little jingle highlighting the thorny political process of tax dodge reform: “Don’t tax you. Don’t tax me. Tax that man behind the tree.”
Yes, let’s do just that! Today, our nominee for “that man behind the tree” is the superrich — the 0.1%. Over the past 40 years or so, these plutocratic elites have used their political clout to create a radical level of wealth inequality that is tearing our country apart. The gap has become a chasm, separating the lavish fortunes of a privileged few from the well-being of the many. Currently, this small fraction of our country now owns the same amount of wealth as the bottom 90% of our country — a statistic that has not been seen in our country since prior to World War II. This wealth gap is antithetical to our people’s democratic ideals, fundamentally unjust and socially destructive — in a word, un-American.
In large part, the fortunate few have amassed and expanded their vast fortunes by hiding in the forest of tax policies that let them avoid paying their fair share. Of course, doing the tax dodge tap dance is complicated, requiring sophisticated techniques and tricky maneuvers perpetrated by a large but secretive industry of pricy tax lawyers, lobbyists, wealth managers and other fixers to exploit special exemptions, convoluted loopholes and arcane breaks. This avoidance industry also provides uberrich clients with a wide selection of underground channels ranging from exotic offshore tax shelters to the ultimate dodge: renouncing U.S. citizenship.
For a lesson on how to tap-dance around one’s tax obligation, follow the lead of Jared Kushner, President Donald Trump’s son-in-law and White House senior adviser. A 2018 New York Times investigation reveals that a few years prior to becoming a Trump operative, Kushner and his family’s real estate corporation spent billions buying up properties, quintupling Kushner’s net worth to almost $324 million. Yet, according to financial documents, the lucky lad appears to have paid little or no federal income tax from 2009 through 2016!
Why? Largely because a special tax break allows big-time developers to take depreciation deductions for losses caused by wear and tear on their properties. But — watch the fancy footwork here — various buildings owned by Kushner appear to have suffered no actual losses and, in fact, have likely increased in value. The trick is that the depreciation provision assumes such properties decline in value every year, even when they clearly do not.
Then came a spectacular buck-and-wing dance move: The law allows developers themselves to calculate depreciation — and the IRS almost never audits those claims. In 2015, for example, Kushner pocketed $1.7 million in income but claimed $8.3 million in losses from “significant depreciation” in his real estate holdings. Another break allows developers to dodge capital gains taxes when they make a profit selling property. That income, if used within a short time to buy other properties, is not taxed. So — voila! — tax law subsidizes them to accumulate yet more wealth and do the tax-dodge dance on an even bigger scale. The Times found that this break helped the Kushners profit from more than $2 billion in real estate sales yet helped Jared Kushner avoid taxes on that income.
Once ensconced in the White House, Kushner promptly helped his daddy-in-law pass a big package of new corporate tax breaks. Surprisingly, there were real reforms that eliminated some of the capital gains flimflam from which both he and Trump had long profited. Unsurprisingly, the Kushner-Trump “reform” included an exception that allows one particular business group to keep profiting from the flimflam: real estate developers.
And that, children, is how the rich become superrich.


humortimes--2020-01-15--History’s Verdict: Unfit to Rule

History’s Verdict: Unfit to Rule

World leaders have always wondered how history would judge them .
Here is one possible legacy : Unfit to Rule .
World leaders have always wondered how history would judge them and their accomplishments .
Would they be remembered as a great commander-in-chief , comparable to Winston Churchill , or as a failure like Neville Chamberlain ?
Or maybe worse , would history forget them altogether , as happened to Millard Fillmore ?
Here is one possible legacy for someone we all know : His initial steps were said to be charitable in spirit though political in nature .
As @ @ @ @ @ @ @ property in fires and reduced the burdensome taxes that had been imposed on the masses .
He also gave out awards and recognition to deserving citizens .
And he deserved praise for embarking on a number of construction projects as well as for raising the pay of those in the military .
However , there were beastly traits that could not be overlooked .
He was a sexual deviant .
Dozens of reported acts of perversion were recorded that were SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here .
Even before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ known that he was a narcissist who showed no empathy .
But he knew how to work a crowd into a frenzy and loved to show off whenever possible .
After taking the reins of power , though , his behavior became more and more erratic , cruel and downright bizarre .
The man seemed to derive pleasure from inflicting pain on others .
He used every opportunity to humiliate his critics .
People complained that he drastically increased the financial deficit , forced senators into political exile , launched illogical military operations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ based on impulse .
Eventually , this leader appeared to want to be worshiped as a god or at least as the chosen one .

World leaders have always wondered how history would judge them. Here is one possible legacy: Unfit to Rule.
World leaders have always wondered how history would judge them and their accomplishments. Would they be remembered as a great commander-in-chief, comparable to Winston Churchill, or as a failure like Neville Chamberlain? Or maybe worse, would history forget them altogether, as happened to Millard Fillmore?
Here is one possible legacy:
His initial steps were said to be charitable in spirit though political in nature. As leader, he aided those who lost property in fires and reduced the burdensome taxes that had been imposed on the masses. He also gave out awards and recognition to deserving citizens. And he deserved praise for embarking on a number of construction projects as well as for raising the pay of those in the military.
However, there were beastly traits that could not be overlooked. He was a sexual deviant. Dozens of reported acts of perversion were recorded that were SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here.
Even before he took power, it was well known that he was a narcissist who showed no empathy. But he knew how to work a crowd into a frenzy and loved to show off whenever possible.
After taking the reins of power, though, his behavior became more and more erratic, cruel and downright bizarre. The man seemed to derive pleasure from inflicting pain on others. He used every opportunity to humiliate his critics. People complained that he drastically increased the financial deficit, forced senators into political exile, launched illogical military operations to distract from domestic issues and killed based on impulse.
In the end, his reign was most noted for its madness and tyrannical rule along with many acts of extreme cruelty and perversion, thus placing him among the truly bad hombres in history.
Yes, there is no doubt that the Roman Emperor Caligula was unfit to rule. He was a bad, bad emperor.
Oh wait, whose legacy did you think this article was describing?


humortimes--2020-01-19--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is former Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg .
Just live with a woman like I do .
Why do you think most men die before their wives ?
Because they want to .
You ’ re a billionaire .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At 77 years old , why are you running for president ?
Simple .
Gun safety , education , healthcare and the environment .
These issues affect all Americans .
I can make a difference .
When I was the mayor of New York City , I banned large sodas in restaurants and movie theaters .
I co-founded Mayors Against Illegal Guns .
I ’ m an advocate for reducing carbon dioxide emissions .
And you ’ re in favor of providing tax breaks to big corporations .
Duncan .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have a better idea .
No taxes .
Let ’ s just tip the government 15 % if they do a good job .
Taxes , shmaxes .
Only the little guys pay .
Bloomberg pays bupkis .
Nothing .
Hold on there , Wild Man .
I pay more taxes in one year than you ’ ve made over a lifetime .
And by the way , I , too am a little guy .
I ’ m pissed .
Michael is buying an election .
The system is corrupt !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ more chances to participate in it .
Mr. Mayor .
What is the most memorable time in your childhood ?
That would have to be on those cold winter New England nights when my mother cooked chicken soup .
It was delicious and good for the soul .
Same question to you , Bernster .
I ’ m not complaining , but we were so poor that my mother made chicken soup without chicken .
It looked and smelled like urine .
Ew .
I ’ d like to think it didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hey , Bernster .
What do ducks eat with their soup ?
Ha ha ha .
That ’ s a good one , Duncan .
I can get you a gig at Catch A Rising Star .
But I take 10 % .
After the elections , King Midas .
Which brings me to the realization that one of you two idiots could be running against Trump in the 2020 election .
Who has the best chance to defeat him ?
I do .
I ’ m a real New Yorker from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go toe to toe with Trump .
I wasn ’ t given the nickname Meshugener for nothing .
I have the best chance .
Trump ’ s not a real billionaire .
He ’ s a huckster trying to sell his reality show in the White House .
I ’ m the real deal .
A billionaire with a proven track record of government experience .
Took New York City from a $ 6 billion dollar deficit to a $ 3 billion dollar surplus .
Ben and Jerry named an ice cream flavor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get more American than that Bite Size Mikey .
The bad news is you both lose .
The good news is together you have schizophrenia .
Like you , baseball is wrong .
Man with four balls can not walk .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews former Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is former Mayor of New York City Michael Bloomberg.
JERRY
Can I borrow a few bucks?
MICHAEL BLOOMBERG
Why?
JERRY
I need to order a mail order bride.
BLOOMBERG
Just live with a woman like I do. Why do you think most men die before their wives?
JERRY
I don’t know.
BLOOMBERG
Because they want to.
JERRY
You’re a billionaire. The 14th richest person in the world. At 77 years old, why are you running for president?
BLOOMBERG
Simple. Gun safety, education, healthcare and the environment. These issues affect all Americans. I can make a difference. When I was the mayor of New York City, I banned large sodas in restaurants and movie theaters. I co-founded Mayors Against Illegal Guns. I’m an advocate for reducing carbon dioxide emissions.
JERRY
And you’re in favor of providing tax breaks to big corporations.
BLOOMBERG
Duncan. It’s for the good of the community.
JERRY
I have a better idea. No taxes. Let’s just tip the government 15% if they do a good job.
The studio door bursts open as Senator Bernie Sanders enters.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Taxes, shmaxes. Only the little guys pay. Bloomberg pays bupkis. Nothing.
BLOOMBERG
Hold on there, Wild Man. I pay more taxes in one year than you’ve made over a lifetime. And by the way, I, too am a little guy.
JERRY
Yeah, You’re 5’8″.
BLOOMBERG
Exactly.
SANDERS
I’m pissed. Michael is buying an election. The system is corrupt!
BLOOMBERG
I either want less corruption, or more chances to participate in it.
JERRY
It’s a work in progress. Trust me.
JERRY
Mr. Mayor. What is the most memorable time in your childhood?
BLOOMBERG
That would have to be on those cold winter New England nights when my mother cooked chicken soup. It was delicious and good for the soul.
JERRY
Same question to you, Bernster.
SANDERS
I’m not complaining, but we were so poor that my mother made chicken soup without chicken. It looked and smelled like urine.
BLOOMBERG
Ew. I’d like to think it didn’t come out of the toilet.
SANDERS
Probably did.
JERRY
Hey, Bernster. What do ducks eat with their soup?
SANDERS
You’re pulling my chain.
JERRY
For real.
SANDERS
No clue.
JERRY
Quackers.
BLOOMBERG
Ha ha ha. That’s a good one, Duncan. I can get you a gig at Catch A Rising Star. But I take 10%.
JERRY
After the elections, King Midas. Which brings me to the realization that one of you two idiots could be running against Trump in the 2020 election. Who has the best chance to defeat him?
SANDERS
I do. I’m a real New Yorker from the mean streets of Brooklyn. I can go toe to toe with Trump. I wasn’t given the nickname Meshugener for nothing.
BLOOMBERG
I have the best chance. Trump’s not a real billionaire. He’s a huckster trying to sell his reality show in the White House. I’m the real deal. A billionaire with a proven track record of government experience. Took New York City from a $6 billion dollar deficit to a $3 billion dollar surplus.
SANDERS
Ben and Jerry named an ice cream flavor after me. It doesn’t get more American than that Bite Size Mikey.
JERRY
The bad news is you both lose. The good news is together you have schizophrenia.
BLOOMBERG
Like you, baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-01-19--Trump Orders Movie Version of ‘Unreadable’ Constitution

“ It ’ s a disgrace that people are still expected to read this deep-state argy-bargy , ” the President said , quoting Justice Scalia .
“ It ’ s time for a sexy movie version that real Americans can watch on Saturday nights after a long round of golf and your wife won ’ t let you grab her by the pussy.
” WASHINGTON DC — President Trump said today that the US Constitution is “ unreadable , like it ’ s written in a foreign language.
” He added : “ Donald J Trump is calling for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we can figure out what the hell is going on !
” “ All those ‘ thuses ’ and ‘ wherefores ’ and ‘ whatsoevers , ’ ” he grumbled .
“ I mean , who has the time to keep looking up them fancy legal words ?
I ’ ve said a lot of words , probably more than any other president , especially Obama , but I ’ m too busy protecting things , okay ?
” The President insisted that what America and the world really needs is a sexy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lots of jokes and action so viewers don ’ t get bored .
I ’ m especially looking forward to the Second Amendment scene , bang , bang you ’ re dead on Fifth Avenue , ha !
ha !
” Trump noted that the movie he envisioned would of course have no impeachment clause— “ Impeachment !
There ’ s another liberal hack word !
” —and an “ expanded ” version of Article II , showing clearly how it does indeed allow any Republican president to do whatever he wants .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Fox News ) has already promised me multiple prime-time showings before , during and after this sham so-called impeachment trial , ” Mr Trump said .
“ And then .
after my acquittal , it will be shown daily , all the way through the election and into January 2021 .
That way the American people will finally understand what Jesus and our great Constitution have ultimately given unto us : Moi , Don Jr and Ivanka — the Father , the Son and… well , I ’ ve got ta have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ?
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
“It’s a disgrace that people are still expected to read this deep-state argy-bargy,” the President said, quoting Justice Scalia. “It’s time for a sexy movie version that real Americans can watch on Saturday nights after a long round of golf and your wife won’t let you grab her by the pussy.”
WASHINGTON DC — President Trump said today that the US Constitution is “unreadable, like it’s written in a foreign language.” He added: “Donald J Trump is calling for a movie version of the U.S. Constitution until we can figure out what the hell is going on!”
“All those ‘thuses’ and ‘wherefores’ and ‘whatsoevers,’” he grumbled. “I mean, who has the time to keep looking up them fancy legal words? I’ve said a lot of words, probably more than any other president, especially Obama, but I’m too busy protecting things, okay?”
The President insisted that what America and the world really needs is a sexy movie version of the Constitution “with lots of jokes and action so viewers don’t get bored. I’m especially looking forward to the Second Amendment scene, bang, bang you’re dead on Fifth Avenue, ha! ha!”
Trump noted that the movie he envisioned would of course have no impeachment clause—“Impeachment! There’s another liberal hack word!”—and an “expanded” version of Article II, showing clearly how it does indeed allow any Republican president to do whatever he wants.
“Rupert (Rupert Murdoch, owner of Fox News) has already promised me multiple prime-time showings before, during and after this sham so-called impeachment trial,” Mr Trump said.
“And then. after my acquittal, it will be shown daily, all the way through the election and into January 2021. That way the American people will finally understand what Jesus and our great Constitution have ultimately given unto us: Moi, Don Jr and Ivanka — the Father, the Son and… well, I’ve gotta have some fun too, haven’t I?”


humortimes--2020-01-19--A Legal Dream Team?

A Legal Dream Team?

Right after hiring Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr as his “ Legal Dream Team ” to defend him in the Senate impeachment trial , Trump has fired them in favor of more “ TV-ready ” lawyers .
Breaking News : In a surprising reversal , President Trump announced today that he had fired his “ Legal Dream Team , ” Alan Dershowitz , the Harvard law professor emeritus , and Kenneth W. Starr , the former U.S solicitor general best known for heading up the investigation of the Clinton Administration .
The move was completely unexpected since the president had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this week .
A person familiar with the situation remarked that the president had been looking for some high profile lawyers with name recognition who could effectively present his case to the senate and to the American public .
Since the impeachment proceedings would be televised , he felt he needed TV-ready players and Dershowitz and Starr initially seemed well suited for that role .
However , Trump changed his mind shortly after meeting with the two lawyers in the Oval Office .
The president announced that he had fired Dershowitz because he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the face of his legal team .
“ Look at that face .
Dershowitz looks like the crypt keeper , ” he reportedly said .
Trump went on to declare that he was also firing Starr who he had decided just looked like a schmuck .
In a hastily called press conference , the president indicated that he would be replacing Dershowitz and Starr with legal experts with more star power .
He was looking to obtain lawyers whose judicial accomplishments were so great that they had been documented in film .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mentioning that he had been in discussions with the fast talking defense attorney Fletcher Reede who he said had a reputation as ” an excellent liar , liar .
I mean lawyer.
” But Reede was ultimately rejected as Trump felt that Reede had issues with the truth .
“ He now tells it ( the truth ) ” the president said .
“ As a matter of fact , he is sometimes incapable of lying , which is very unusual for a lawyer .
I like people who don ’ t tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off the list of contenders.
” The commander-in-chief then said that he had also considered asking flamboyant fellow New Yorker Vinni Gambini , aka Jerry Gallo , aka Jerry Callo to join his legal group .
“ My good friend Judge Chamberlain Haller down in Alabama said that Mr. Gambini is one helluva lawyer , which is true .
Vinni did an unbelievable job getting his cousin ’ s murder conviction dismissed ” .
But , the president ultimately dropped that idea too , when he discovered that Gambini , at only 5 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ provide the TV image that was needed .
However , Trump did say that he would consider retaining him if and when he shoots someone on Fifth Avenue .
The president then said that he has been eying the Harvard trained defense lawyer Elle Woods because “ she ’ s in such good shape .
Beautiful .
She ’ s definitely a ten .
And nobody has more respect for women than I do especially legally blonde ones that are really hot .
She would look incredible on TV , believe me .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ about the law which might be useful.
” Trump then further shocked the press by exclaiming that the guy he really wants on his side as the impeachment trial begins is attorney Atticus Finch .
“ Finch got that guy off for killing a mockingbird , ” the president said .
“ He won the case bigly and I like winners .
I haven ’ t met him personally but people are saying a lot of good things about him .
He is getting more and more recognition .
I ’ ve noticed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” The president then closed the news conference by saying that he would finalize his legal team line-up this weekend after discussing the decision with his most trusted advisors , Rudy Giuliani and Vladimir Putin .

Right after hiring Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr as his “Legal Dream Team” to defend him in the Senate impeachment trial, Trump has fired them in favor of more “TV-ready” lawyers.
Breaking News: In a surprising reversal, President Trump announced today that he had fired his “Legal Dream Team,” Alan Dershowitz, the Harvard law professor emeritus, and Kenneth W. Starr, the former U.S solicitor general best known for heading up the investigation of the Clinton Administration.
The move was completely unexpected since the president had just added them to his legal team this week. A person familiar with the situation remarked that the president had been looking for some high profile lawyers with name recognition who could effectively present his case to the senate and to the American public. Since the impeachment proceedings would be televised, he felt he needed TV-ready players and Dershowitz and Starr initially seemed well suited for that role.
However, Trump changed his mind shortly after meeting with the two lawyers in the Oval Office. The president announced that he had fired Dershowitz because he didn’t want him to be the face of his legal team. “Look at that face. Dershowitz looks like the crypt keeper,” he reportedly said.
Trump went on to declare that he was also firing Starr who he had decided just looked like a schmuck.
In a hastily called press conference, the president indicated that he would be replacing Dershowitz and Starr with legal experts with more star power. He was looking to obtain lawyers whose judicial accomplishments were so great that they had been documented in film.
“The Donald” then stunned reporters by mentioning that he had been in discussions with the fast talking defense attorney Fletcher Reede who he said had a reputation as ”an excellent liar, liar. I mean lawyer.” But Reede was ultimately rejected as Trump felt that Reede had issues with the truth. “He now tells it (the truth)” the president said. “As a matter of fact, he is sometimes incapable of lying, which is very unusual for a lawyer. I like people who don’t tell the truth, so I crossed him off the list of contenders.”
The commander-in-chief then said that he had also considered asking flamboyant fellow New Yorker Vinni Gambini, aka Jerry Gallo, aka Jerry Callo to join his legal group. “My good friend Judge Chamberlain Haller down in Alabama said that Mr. Gambini is one helluva lawyer, which is true. Vinni did an unbelievable job getting his cousin’s murder conviction dismissed”. But, the president ultimately dropped that idea too, when he discovered that Gambini, at only 5’4”, wouldn’t provide the TV image that was needed. However, Trump did say that he would consider retaining him if and when he shoots someone on Fifth Avenue.
The president then said that he has been eying the Harvard trained defense lawyer Elle Woods because “she’s in such good shape. Beautiful. She’s definitely a ten. And nobody has more respect for women than I do especially legally blonde ones that are really hot. She would look incredible on TV, believe me. And she seems to know a little about the law which might be useful.”
Trump then further shocked the press by exclaiming that the guy he really wants on his side as the impeachment trial begins is attorney Atticus Finch. “Finch got that guy off for killing a mockingbird,” the president said. “He won the case bigly and I like winners. I haven’t met him personally but people are saying a lot of good things about him. He is getting more and more recognition. I’ve noticed. And Atticus definitely looks the part.”
The president then closed the news conference by saying that he would finalize his legal team line-up this weekend after discussing the decision with his most trusted advisors, Rudy Giuliani and Vladimir Putin.


humortimes--2020-01-19--Jezt in Time: Corbyn Makes Socialist Unity Pact with White Nationalist BNP!

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
And now , from our British Faux News Dept : Britain ’ s Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn makes pact with White Nationalist BNP .
So why not have an electoral pact between the radical socialist BNP and the radical socialist Labour Party ?
What could possibly go wrong ?
The recent national/international socialist pact between two of Britain ’ s most widely-despised borderline Marxist/Hitlerite parties had a sumptuous banquet of Newcastle Brown Ale and quinoa ( I bet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ) But the REAL cat ‘ n ’ dog meat was the spicy announcements afterwards , as ol ’ Corbiebums went out grinning like a not-quite-flayed-to-the-fuckin-marrow-yet Cheshire cat , with Griffin glaring coldly like a cut salmon who ’ d just undergone some 12 hour sexually-diverse Bullingdon Club initiation ritual with David Cameron .
Nefarious Nick dribbles , wide-eyed , wacko , like some love-stoned Cyclops who can ’ t find his fabulous-favourite-fabled rock o ’ kink .
LULZ !
The charismatic , MacMillanite oratory of Ol ’ Griffybums lowered to a menacing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Griffin , looking mildly perturbed and bewildered for a change , as if he had ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT HE WAS DOING ( not like him ! )
, blinked : Corbyn shrugged in his customary “ heart ” felt “ embarrassment , ” and said : No idea .
The last thing we want is socialist comrades to get consumed and set utterly ablaze with rampant embittered , nit-picking splitty behaviour and the petty narcissism of small differences .
Well , not that that ’ s EVER FUCKING ACTUALLY HAPPENED anyway @ @ @ @ @ @ @ history , of course… !
Well look here , matey !
It ’ s not like me and Jez have any real irreconcilable differences ; any more than we do with Hamas and Hizbollah .
We hate capitalism , we despise warmongers and all these evil , bloodthirsty , remorselessly cruel mass murderers ( well unless it ’ s OUR KOMRADS , of course ; and I suppose it ’ s a completely different matter then , isn ’ t it ! )
, we all want to nationalise the trains and make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re both completely all-or-nothing about immigration , inclusion , tolerance and diversity , and we are all 100 % committed to fighting the evil Zionist media conspiracy against us !
I mean , how could we EVER POSSIBLY FALL OUT ?
!

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
And now, from our British Faux News Dept: Britain’s Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn makes pact with White Nationalist BNP.
Misery loves company…
So why not have an electoral pact between the radical socialist BNP and the radical socialist Labour Party? What could possibly go wrong?
The recent national/international socialist pact between two of Britain’s most widely-despised borderline Marxist/Hitlerite parties had a sumptuous banquet of Newcastle Brown Ale and quinoa (I bet both parties were pretty pleased then!) But the REAL cat ‘n’ dog meat was the spicy announcements afterwards, as ol’ Corbiebums went out grinning like a not-quite-flayed-to-the-fuckin-marrow-yet Cheshire cat, with Griffin glaring coldly like a cut salmon who’d just undergone some 12 hour sexually-diverse Bullingdon Club initiation ritual with David Cameron.
Mate, we’ve got it sorted!
Nefarious Nick dribbles, wide-eyed, wacko, like some love-stoned Cyclops who can’t find his fabulous-favourite-fabled rock o’ kink. LULZ!
Griffiebaby continues…
The charismatic, MacMillanite oratory of Ol’ Griffybums lowered to a menacing, equivocal murmur towards the end.
Jez sez:
Look, sometimes you just have to deal with people with whom you profoundly disagree. That’s why I have “friends in the BNP!”
Griffin, looking mildly perturbed and bewildered for a change, as if he had ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT HE WAS DOING (not like him!), blinked:
We disagree?
Corbyn shrugged in his customary “heart” felt “embarrassment,” and said:
No idea. The last thing we want is socialist comrades to get consumed and set utterly ablaze with rampant embittered, nit-picking splitty behaviour and the petty narcissism of small differences. Well, not that that’s EVER FUCKING ACTUALLY HAPPENED anyway, at any remotely imaginable point in history, of course…!
The final word?
Here’s Nick!
Well look here, matey! It’s not like me and Jez have any real irreconcilable differences; any more than we do with Hamas and Hizbollah. We hate capitalism, we despise warmongers and all these evil, bloodthirsty, remorselessly cruel mass murderers (well unless it’s OUR KOMRADS, of course; and I suppose it’s a completely different matter then, isn’t it!), we all want to nationalise the trains and make them run on time, we’re both completely all-or-nothing about immigration, inclusion, tolerance and diversity, and we are all 100% committed to fighting the evil Zionist media conspiracy against us! I mean, how could we EVER POSSIBLY FALL OUT?!
Originally published on Glossy News.


humortimes--2020-01-19--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Oval Office ‘Blown’ Job!

Impeach Trump for a “ blown job ” in the Oval Office .
Ask me if Trump is unfit to @ @ @ @ @ ll answer with an unqualified “ YES !
” When the right-wing is unflappable we @ @ @ @ @ see anything , they just close their eyes .
I ’ ve become convinced that @ @ @ @ @ Old Poops .
No news is good news , unless it ’ s fake .
@ @ @ @ @ slaves , so long as their chains are made of gold .
Con men live @ @ @ @ @ land .
Don ’ t believe the writhing on the wall .
No family values @ @ @ @ @ .
White supremacists see nothing but ignorance and hate .
You can ’ t fix @ @ @ @ @ the thermostatistics .
The only question some people ask is why they never get any @ @ @ @ @ t know what you don ’ t know , you know .

Impeach Trump for a “blown job” in the Oval Office.
Ask me if Trump is unfit to be president and I’ll answer with an unqualified “YES!”
When the right-wing is unflappable we go nowhere.
Cowards never see anything, they just close their eyes.
I’ve become convinced that GOP only stands for Greedy Old Poops.
No news is good news, unless it’s fake.
Many are happy to be slaves, so long as their chains are made of gold.
Trump accounts for no ability.
Con men live off the fatheads of the land.
Don’t believe the writhing on the wall.
Republicans: Anti-social is ’em.
No family values separating children from their parents.
Under Trump, ICE is a terrorist organization.
White supremacists see nothing but ignorance and hate.
21st century wildfires are global warming’s smoking gun.
Nature preserves life itself.
You can’t fix things by simply turning down the thermostatistics.
The only question some people ask is why they never get any answers.
You don’t know what you don’t know, you know.
To find a solution, search insight out.


humortimes--2020-01-20--‘The Jerry Duncan Show’ Play to Open in NYC, March 5-15, 2020!

Based on the column in Humor Times , “ The Jerry Duncan Show ” play runs March 5-15 , 2020 .
The Jerry Duncan Show opens at the Thirteenth Street Repertory Company , 50 West 13th Street , New York City ( Greenwich Village ) .
It was written by Dean B. Kaner and is directed by Joe John Battista .
Tickets on sale here or call ( 800 ) 838-3006 .
Limited seating and expected sell-out crowds .
The Jerry Duncan Show comedy is about “ Jerry Duncan , ” 40ish , an arrogant , bombastic , nationally-syndicated radio @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the headlines .
Everyone from Donald Trump to Bernie Sanders is interviewed .
The characters have a comic spirit that is physical and energetic , triggering emotional reactions to Jerry ’ s back and forth taunting during the radio interview .
Off the air , Jerry is an insecure nebbish .
He is single and lives alone in an apartment .
A victim of circumstance , his life has suffered from a domineering mother named Maggie , now deceased .
But she ’ s not out of his life , as we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , though not visible .
Jerry is on a journey to free himself from his past .
The show is based on play author Dean Kaner ’ s long-running column on this website .
Order Your Tickets Here Today !
Or call ( 800 ) 838-3006 .

Based on the column in Humor Times, “The Jerry Duncan Show” opens soon in New York City.
The Jerry Duncan Show opens at the Thirteenth Street Repertory Company, 50 West 13th Street, New York City (Greenwich Village).
It was written by Dean B. Kaner and is directed by Joe John Battista. Cast members are Eric Tonken, Thami Moscovici, Paige Susan Anderson, Bobby Temple and Michael Donato.
Performances: March 5, 6, 7, 12, 13, 14 at 7:30 pm, and March 8, 15 at 4 pm.
Regular admission: $18 / Seniors & Students: $15.
Tickets on sale here, at the theater, or call (800) 838-3006. Limited seating and expected sell-out crowds.
Jerry Duncan, 40ish, is an arrogant, bombastic, nationally syndicated radio talk show host who interviews politicians in the headlines. Everyone from Donald Trump to Bernie Sanders (see interviews he’s done in his column on this website at the links). The play is a comedy that allows the audience to watch the characters say on stage what they too may think, but are afraid to say. The characters have a comic spirit that is physical and energetic, triggering emotional reactions to Jerry’s back and forth taunting during the radio interview.
Off the air, Jerry is an insecure nebbish. He is single and lives alone in an apartment. A victim of circumstance, his life has suffered from a domineering mother named Maggie, now deceased. But she’s not out of his life, as we hear her talking to Jerry on stage, though not visible. Jerry is on a journey to free himself from his past.
The show is based on play author Dean Kaner’s long-running column on this website.
Order Your Tickets Here Today! Or call (800) 838-3006.


humortimes--2020-01-20--Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/20/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/20/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ selling candles that smell like her vagina I ’ m tempted to say “ that ’ s nuts ” but , apparently , that ’ s her husband ’ s line of candles !
Which now refers to the amount of times the characters get up in the middle of the night to pee .
Apparently , he didn ’ t take an extended warranty on his purchase .
Meghan and Harry waxworks removed from Royal family display at Madame Tussaud ’ s While Prince Andrew ’ s snuck off to the Spice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , for one , I ’ m betting he ’ ll forget .
The Pope apologized for slapping a woman on the wrist at an event Damn , I thought slapping someone on the wrist is something he only reserved as punishment for pedophile priests .
Trump reaches out to North Korea in bid to resume nuclear talks Makes sense , Trump does have a weakness for the Jung Uns .
One of America ’ s oldest and largest milk producers files for bankruptcy Iranian official tells Trump not to ‘ dishonor ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Brits ought to tell him the same thing about English .
Manuel Sanchez , a Spanish reporter working for Sputnik News , has reportedly died after falling out of a window in Moscow KellyAnne Conway ’ s husband , George Conway , is going after Trump again New research finds Jupiter is flinging asteroids at Earth Hey , Earth , get on it , the only way to stop a bad planet flinging asteroids is with a good planet flinging asteroids .
No women nominated for Best Director

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Gwyneth Paltrow is selling candles that smell like her vagina
I’m tempted to say “that’s nuts” but, apparently, that’s her husband’s line of candles!
They’re bringing back Thirtysomething
Which now refers to the amount of times the characters get up in the middle of the night to pee.
Putin criticizes Democrats for impeaching Trump – WSJ
Apparently, he didn’t take an extended warranty on his purchase.
Meghan and Harry waxworks removed from Royal family display at Madame Tussaud’s
While Prince Andrew’s snuck off to the Spice Girls exhibit.
Willie Nelson gave up smoking weed
…. but I, for one, I’m betting he’ll forget.
The Pope apologized for slapping a woman on the wrist at an event
Damn, I thought slapping someone on the wrist is something he only reserved as punishment for pedophile priests.
Trump reaches out to North Korea in bid to resume nuclear talks
Makes sense, Trump does have a weakness for the Jung Uns.
Happy 39th birthday, Pitbull
Or, 273 in Pitbull years.
One of America’s oldest and largest milk producers files for bankruptcy
… udderly speechless …
Iranian official tells Trump not to ‘dishonor’ Persian language by tweeting in Farsi
While the Brits ought to tell him the same thing about English.
Manuel Sanchez, a Spanish reporter working for Sputnik News, has reportedly died after falling out of a window in Moscow
… so, natural causes …
KellyAnne Conway’s husband, George Conway, is going after Trump again
So, it’s Conway versus Twitty!
New research finds Jupiter is flinging asteroids at Earth
Hey, Earth, get on it, the only way to stop a bad planet flinging asteroids is with a good planet flinging asteroids.
No women nominated for Best Director
… unless they’re hiding in Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows.


humortimes--2020-01-20--FTC Threatens Fox News with Heavy Fines

FTC Threatens Fox News with Heavy Fines

Simply using the word “ news ” in “ Fox News ” has been declared a “ deceptive practice ” by the FTC .
In a surprise noontime press conference , the Federal Trade Commission ( FTC ) accused Fox News of consumer fraud , and ordered it to remedy the illegal practice within 30 days or face substantial fines until it comes into compliance with existing consumer protection laws .
FTC Chairman Joseph J. Simons stated that , “ The FTC has completed an extensive review of Fox News broadcasts from January through December 2019 and found that having @ @ @ @ @ @ @ misleading consumers into believing that what they receive each day are factual accounts of events occurring across America and throughout the world .
“ In truth , we found that an overwhelming number of stories aired by the network have little relationship to what is actually happening in the real world .
Hence , we consider being identified as Fox News to be a deceptive practice , which must be corrected expeditiously .
We suggest a more appropriate name for the network might be Fox Fantasies or Fox Fabrications or , even , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hour after conclusion of the FTC ’ s press conference , Fox News broadcast a story that described the FTC as having issued a “ glowing report ” of the station ’ s operations , one which recognized its continued leadership in bringing high quality news to the public amidst a stream of dubious stories promulgated by competitors known collectively as the “ fakestream ” media .
In a brief aside , the Fox newscaster did acknowledge that the FTC threatened to fine Fox if it continues to include the words news in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he continued , “ Fox has been contemplating changing its name for quite some time , and probably would do so in the coming weeks to better reflect its incredible brand quality , which has risen to a level unprecedented in all of broadcast history.
” Less than five minutes after this story was aired , President Trump tweeted , “ FTC praise of Fox News is SUPER GREAT !
However , its threat to fine them IS BIGLY BAD !
!
!
!
As such , I have just called Chairman Simons @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
!
!
!
!
’ I have also appointed Kelley Ann Conway as acting CHAIRMAN based on her extensive experience with DECEPTIVE practices that the FTC protects US against.
” Ten minutes later , Ms. Conway appeared on the White House lawn before a phalanx of reporters to deliver the following statement .
“ As acting commissioner of the FTC , I have thoroughly reviewed the report released this morning concerning Fox News and found it to be flawed in the extreme .
Consequently , I have rescinded the threatened fine in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for its unerring efforts to bring the real news to its loyal audience .
“ Furthermore , I have determined that CNN is actually the broadcaster guilty of the charges unfairly leveled at Fox News , and , thus , must immediately be renamed FNN – the Fake News Network – or face the wrath of the FTC ’ s enforcement sledgehammer .
I am also ordering that all thesauruses add the following terms , rumor , innuendo , hoax , canard , conspiracy and scuttlebutt to their list of synonyms for news @ @ @ @ @ @ @ timely manner will result in a tweet storm of Biblical proportions by my boss.
” Ms. Conway then turned and headed back toward the White House .
A flustered CNN correspondent Jim Acosta then called out at the top of his lungs to a retreating Ms. Conway , “ Why has CNN alone been cited for having a fraudulent name when many networks have shows that include news in their names ?
” Ms. Conway deftly spun around , smiled widely , and said , “ Sorry Jim , but I can ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a White House press pass under your new employer , FNN .
”

Simply using the word “news” in “Fox News” has been declared a “deceptive practice” by the FTC.
In a surprise noontime press conference, the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) accused Fox News of consumer fraud, and ordered it to remedy the illegal practice within 30 days or face substantial fines until it comes into compliance with existing consumer protection laws.
FTC Chairman Joseph J. Simons stated that, “The FTC has completed an extensive review of Fox News broadcasts from January through December 2019 and found that having the word News in its name is misleading consumers into believing that what they receive each day are factual accounts of events occurring across America and throughout the world.
“In truth, we found that an overwhelming number of stories aired by the network have little relationship to what is actually happening in the real world. Hence, we consider being identified as Fox News to be a deceptive practice, which must be corrected expeditiously. We suggest a more appropriate name for the network might be Fox Fantasies or Fox Fabrications or, even, Fox Fictions.”
Less than a half hour after conclusion of the FTC’s press conference, Fox News broadcast a story that described the FTC as having issued a “glowing report” of the station’s operations, one which recognized its continued leadership in bringing high quality news to the public amidst a stream of dubious stories promulgated by competitors known collectively as the “fakestream” media.
In a brief aside, the Fox newscaster did acknowledge that the FTC threatened to fine Fox if it continues to include the words news in its moniker. “However,” he continued, “Fox has been contemplating changing its name for quite some time, and probably would do so in the coming weeks to better reflect its incredible brand quality, which has risen to a level unprecedented in all of broadcast history.”
Less than five minutes after this story was aired, President Trump tweeted, “FTC praise of Fox News is SUPER GREAT! However, its threat to fine them IS BIGLY BAD!!!! As such, I have just called Chairman Simons and said to him ‘YOUR FIRED!!!!!’ I have also appointed Kelley Ann Conway as acting CHAIRMAN based on her extensive experience with DECEPTIVE practices that the FTC protects US against.”
Ten minutes later, Ms. Conway appeared on the White House lawn before a phalanx of reporters to deliver the following statement. “As acting commissioner of the FTC, I have thoroughly reviewed the report released this morning concerning Fox News and found it to be flawed in the extreme. Consequently, I have rescinded the threatened fine in favor of a proclamation praising Fox News for its unerring efforts to bring the real news to its loyal audience.
“Furthermore, I have determined that CNN is actually the broadcaster guilty of the charges unfairly leveled at Fox News, and, thus, must immediately be renamed FNN – the Fake News Network – or face the wrath of the FTC’s enforcement sledgehammer. I am also ordering that all thesauruses add the following terms, rumor, innuendo, hoax, canard, conspiracy and scuttlebutt to their list of synonyms for news. Failure to do so in a timely manner will result in a tweet storm of Biblical proportions by my boss.” Ms. Conway then turned and headed back toward the White House.
A flustered CNN correspondent Jim Acosta then called out at the top of his lungs to a retreating Ms. Conway, “Why has CNN alone been cited for having a fraudulent name when many networks have shows that include news in their names?”
Ms. Conway deftly spun around, smiled widely, and said, “Sorry Jim, but I can’t answer your question until you get a White House press pass under your new employer, FNN.”


humortimes--2020-01-23--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Criminal Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Criminal Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz , generously taking time away from representing Donald Trump in his impeachment trial .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
My guest today is Criminal Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz .
For the record .
Who ’ s uglier , O.J .
Simpson or Harvey Weinstein ?
You ’ ve seen their mugs up close .
Honestly .
They @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my left hand .
It ’ s sad .
O.J .
told me that his earliest childhood memory was watching his parents loosen the wheels on his stroller .
Harvey had a similar story .
He recalled asking his mom if he was pretty or ugly .
She told him that he was pretty ugly .
You ’ re 81 years old .
You ’ ve defended high profile criminals like Claus Van Bulen , O.J .
and Harvey Weinstein .
Yep .
I ’ m the last resort when a defendant has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump in his Senate Impeachment Trial .
Why ?
Trump was caught red-handed withholding aid from the Ukrainians unless they dug up dirt on Joe Biden .
O.J .
was caught with a bloody glove and knife .
Claus Van Bulen was caught with a syringe that he used to overdose his wife .
Harvey Weinstein was caught with his pants down .
You got some splainin to do , Lucy .
These fine people were in the wrong place at the wrong time .
Claus ’ s wife Sunny went into a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ O.J .
had just butchered a steer for dinner , not his wife Nicole .
And Harvey Weinstein is so fat that he couldn ’ t even unbuckle his pants .
The women were lying about being sexually assaulted .
C ’ mon , Colostomy Bag .
You ’ re so crooked , when you smile your mouth looks like it ’ s throwing up gang signs .
Don ’ t let him intimidate you , Dershy .
We ’ re here to save the president .
We have the biggest liars , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ken Starr and Robert Ray .
It ’ s a dream team .
Right .
Ken Starr was pushed out as president of Baylor University for his handling of sexual misconduct by the football team .
And Ray was once charged with stocking a former girlfriend .
Bad examples .
I ’ m going to hire Jacoby and Meyers .
They specialize in disasters .
Like your three marriages ?
The last divorce was difficult , because there was a child involved .
My wife .
Tell me about your text messages to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who threatened withholding military aid to President Zelensky on your behalf .
There was also strong arm tactics to remove the U.S .
Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch on orders from Trump .
Guess you can do anything in the Ukraine with money .
Money isn ’ t everything .
There ’ s Mastercard and Visa .
But I ’ m donating any money I receive for my legal services to charity .
Spiders With No Legs .
These spiders desperately need help , because they post stuff on the web .
Spider what everyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But don ’ t let it get go to your head .
I ’ m not warm and fuzzy .
Do you like me ?
Hell no , Rudy Ghouliani .
You are rotten to the core .
( pleads ) Save me , Duncan .
What do I need to do to make everything right ?
I ’ m not real big on repentance , I like revenge better .
Anything , Duncan .
You name it .
Okay .
Keep rolling your eyes .
Maybe you ’ ll find a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Criminal Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz, generously taking time away from representing Donald Trump in his impeachment trial.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is Criminal Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz.
JERRY
Hi Alan.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ
Hello.
JERRY
For the record. Who’s uglier, O.J. Simpson or Harvey Weinstein? You’ve seen their mugs up close.
DERSHOWITZ
Honestly. They both look like something I drew with my left hand. It’s sad. O.J. told me that his earliest childhood memory was watching his parents loosen the wheels on his stroller. Harvey had a similar story. He recalled asking his mom if he was pretty or ugly. She told him that he was pretty ugly.
JERRY
You’re 81 years old. You’ve defended high profile criminals like Claus Van Bulen, O.J. and Harvey Weinstein.
DERSHOWITZ
Yep. I’m the last resort when a defendant has few legal options.
JERRY
And now Donald Trump in his Senate Impeachment Trial. Why?
DERSHOWITZ
Abuse of power isn’t impeachable. I’m against impeachment.
JERRY
Trump was caught red-handed withholding aid from the Ukrainians unless they dug up dirt on Joe Biden. O.J. was caught with a bloody glove and knife. Claus Van Bulen was caught with a syringe that he used to overdose his wife. Harvey Weinstein was caught with his pants down. You got some splainin to do, Lucy.
DERSHOWITZ
These fine people were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Claus’s wife Sunny went into a fatal coma from low blood sugar. O.J. had just butchered a steer for dinner, not his wife Nicole. And Harvey Weinstein is so fat that he couldn’t even unbuckle his pants. The women were lying about being sexually assaulted.
JERRY
C’mon, Colostomy Bag. You’re so crooked, when you smile your mouth looks like it’s throwing up gang signs.
The studio door bursts open. Rudy Giuliani enters.
RUDY GIULIANI
Don’t let him intimidate you, Dershy. We’re here to save the president. We have the biggest liars, I mean lawyers for the defense. Ken Starr and Robert Ray. It’s a dream team.
JERRY
Right. Ken Starr was pushed out as president of Baylor University for his handling of sexual misconduct by the football team. And Ray was once charged with stocking a former girlfriend.
GIULLIANI
Bad examples. I’m going to hire Jacoby and Meyers. They specialize in disasters.
JERRY
Like your three marriages?
GIULIANI
The last divorce was difficult, because there was a child involved. My wife.
JERRY
Tell me about your text messages to and from Lev Parnas.
GIULIANI
Who?
JERRY
The fixer who threatened withholding military aid to President Zelensky on your behalf. There was also strong arm tactics to remove the U.S. Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch on orders from Trump. Guess you can do anything in the Ukraine with money.
DERSHOWITZ
Money isn’t everything. There’s Mastercard and Visa. But I’m donating any money I receive for my legal services to charity.
JERRY
What charity?
DERSHOWITZ
Spiders With No Legs. These spiders desperately need help, because they post stuff on the web.
JERRY
Knock, knock!
DERSHOWITZ
Who’s there?
JERRY
Spider.
DERSHOWITZ
Spider who?
JERRY
Spider what everyone says, I sort of like you. But don’t let it get go to your head. I’m not warm and fuzzy.
GIULIANI
Do you like me?
JERRY
Hell no, Rudy Ghouliani. You are rotten to the core.
GIULLIANI
(pleads) Save me, Duncan. What do I need to do to make everything right?
JERRY
I’m not real big on repentance, I like revenge better.
GIULLIANI
Anything, Duncan. You name it.
JERRY
Okay. Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-01-23--An Update on Our Good Friend, Comedian Will Durst

Readers starving for more of columnist and comedian Will Durst ‘ s trademark humor — like me — will have to wait a while .
Mr. Durst was hospitalized after suffering a stroke backstage before a scheduled performance at the Presidio Theatre in San Francisco on Oct. 7th .
He is currently in a skilled nursing facility getting rehab .
The beloved comedian has postponed all appearances for the first time in his long career .
As the S.F .
Chronicle reported , “ On the night he was stricken , Durst was waiting to take the stage as part @ @ @ @ @ @ @ San Francisco Mime Troupe .
Another performer noticed Durst having trouble moving and suggested he go to the emergency room .
‘ I can ’ t , ’ he said .
‘ I need to tell my jokes.
’ ” Shortly after , an ambulance took him to the hospital .
His wife , Debi Durst , herself a longtime standup comedian , told the Humor Times on January 20th that Will is now doing much better , saying , “ He ’ s out of the hospital and in a skilled nursing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s getting PT , OT and speech therapy every day and is progressing , albeit slowly .
He ’ s got some work to do to get the left side of his body working again , but I ’ ve started some acupuncture therapy as well.
” Debi said that Will ’ s spirits are good , adding , “ He never lost the ability to speak , and his sense of humor is intact.
” “ He is upset for sure about not being able to be onstage right now during all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ But I ’ m bringing his laptop to him daily and he ’ s beginning to make notes on what ’ s going on .
To say nothing of the fact that he ’ ll probably have an entirely new one-man show about this whole experience.
” That ’ s our Will !
Heal up soon — the world needs your unequaled wit and sharp-as-a-tack political satire , now , more than ever !

Readers starving for more of columnist and comedian Will Durst ‘s trademark humor — like me — will have to wait a while.
Mr. Durst was hospitalized after suffering a stroke backstage before a scheduled performance at the Presidio Theatre in San Francisco on Oct. 7th. He is currently in a skilled nursing facility getting rehab. The beloved comedian has postponed all appearances for the first time in his long career.
As the S.F. Chronicle reported, “On the night he was stricken, Durst was waiting to take the stage as part of the 60th anniversary celebration for the San Francisco Mime Troupe. Another performer noticed Durst having trouble moving and suggested he go to the emergency room. ‘I can’t,’ he said. ‘I need to tell my jokes.’”
Shortly after, an ambulance took him to the hospital.
His wife, Debi Durst, herself a longtime standup comedian, told the Humor Times on January 20th that Will is now doing much better, saying, “He’s out of the hospital and in a skilled nursing facility to get rehab. He’s getting PT, OT and speech therapy every day and is progressing, albeit slowly. He’s got some work to do to get the left side of his body working again, but I’ve started some acupuncture therapy as well.”
Debi said that Will’s spirits are good, adding, “He never lost the ability to speak, and his sense of humor is intact.”
“He is upset for sure about not being able to be onstage right now during all this political mess,” she said. “But I’m bringing his laptop to him daily and he’s beginning to make notes on what’s going on. To say nothing of the fact that he’ll probably have an entirely new one-man show about this whole experience.”
That’s our Will! Heal up soon — the world needs your unequaled wit and sharp-as-a-tack political satire, now, more than ever!


humortimes--2020-01-23--How Do the Rich Become Uber-Rich?

How Do the Rich Become Uber-Rich?

Imagine .
You ’ re one of the privileged uber-rich , and on top of already having billions of bucks tucked away , suddenly , in a single year , here comes 27.3 more gushing into your treasury .
Nice .
As Ray Charles wailed in a song of true-life blues , “ ( T ) hem that ’ s got are them that gets / And I ain ’ t got nothin ’ yet.
” While the workaday majority of Americans continue to be mired in our low-wage economy , the precious few at the tippy top soared out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the year wallowing in wealth — and the more they had , the more they got .
As tracked by the Bloomberg Billionaires Index , by year ’ s end , the 500 richest people saw their total haul jump by 25 percent , with $ 1.2 trillion added to their collective net worth !
Indeed , the wealth of the wealthiest is growing so large so fast that a new category of ultra-richness has been coined : “ centibillionaires , ” those who have amassed more than $ 100 billion .
Mark @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Facebook , is one of them , and he piled up and extra $ 27 billion in personal wealth last year .
Bill Gates of Microsoft added $ 22 billion to his stash .
And even though Amazon czar Jeff Bezos dropped $ 9 billion last year in a divorce settlement , his fortune multiplied so much that he ’ s still the world ’ s richest person .
Bear in mind that none of these moneyed elites did anything to earn these extraordinary bonanzas .
They didn ’ t work any harder @ @ @ @ @ @ @ didn ’ t add anything of value to society .
They simply reclined in luxury and let their money make money .
That ’ s a dirty little secret of our rigged economic system : Unfettered inequality begets ever-expanding inequality .
Another dirty little secret is that billionaire-ism and centibillionaire-ism are hereditary .
Right-wing media baron Rupert Murdoch , for example , saw his enormous level of riches fall by $ 10 billion in 2019 but only because he doled out that wad of wealth to his six children .
So , voila @ @ @ @ @ @ @ billionaires who did nothing to reach the top of the world ’ s financial heap except please Daddy .
Not only are the rich different from you and me but they ’ re also different from the filthy rich .
It can take hard work , creativity , perseverance and luck to become a millionaire , but in today ’ s skewed wealth system , multibillionaires don ’ t need any of that — their money does all the work to lift them above everyone else .
I ’ m guessing that being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ money worries ; you ’ re set for life !
But is it possible that too rich can be too much , even discombobulating ?
Imagine being Mark Zuckerberg , who has become richer than Croesus by amalgamating vast troves of nearly everyone ’ s personal data and then using it piecemeal for global corporations , governments , political groups and who knows who else through his Facebook social media monopoly .
Last year , his mass peddling of our privacy put another $ 27.3 billion in his pocket .
Imagine .
On @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tucked away , suddenly , in a single year , here comes 27.3 more gushing into your treasury .
Forget fundamental questions about whether you ( or anyone ) are worthy of such an excessive haul of the world ’ s wealth .
How do you spend it ?
Mansions , yachts , jets , jewels , your personal island and other trinkets barely dent your multibillionous windfall .
Funding political front groups and financing corporate-friendly candidates takes a little chunk of your change , as do some charity donations .
And since @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rich , far less of your extraordinarily good fortune is diverted to public need and America ’ s common good .
Thus , the bulk of your booty goes to making you even richer !
You buy out other corporations and advanced technologies , and you dump billions into Wall Street , intentionally and artificially jacking up the price of stocks you own .
Your wealth expands exponentially ; inequality spreads further and faster ; and the egalitarian ideals that hold our huge , diverse society together are stretched to the breaking point @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the uber-rich are comprehending the ultimate consequences of such extreme selfishness , so they ’ re responding with extreme consumerism .
Specifically , they ’ ve created a boom in the sale of maximum-security , James Bond-ish armored vehicles .
Priced in the half-million-dollar range , these rolling fortresses can come with 700 horsepower engines , tailpipe-to-grille anti-blast protection , door handles that can electrocute intruders , roof-mounted gun turrets and room for 10 fully equipped bodyguards .
With names like Marauder and Black Shark , these armored beasts have become the preferred @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their fortunes but to fend off the masses they ’ ve ripped off .

Imagine. You’re one of the privileged uber-rich, and on top of already having billions of bucks tucked away, suddenly, in a single year, here comes 27.3 more gushing into your treasury. Nice.
As Ray Charles wailed in a song of true-life blues, “(T)hem that’s got are them that gets / And I ain’t got nothin’ yet.”
While the workaday majority of Americans continue to be mired in our low-wage economy, the precious few at the tippy top soared out of sight in 2019. They started the year wallowing in wealth — and the more they had, the more they got. As tracked by the Bloomberg Billionaires Index, by year’s end, the 500 richest people saw their total haul jump by 25 percent, with $1.2 trillion added to their collective net worth! Indeed, the wealth of the wealthiest is growing so large so fast that a new category of ultra-richness has been coined: “centibillionaires,” those who have amassed more than $100 billion.
Mark Zuckerberg, the ethically challenged jefe of Facebook, is one of them, and he piled up and extra $27 billion in personal wealth last year. Bill Gates of Microsoft added $22 billion to his stash. And even though Amazon czar Jeff Bezos dropped $9 billion last year in a divorce settlement, his fortune multiplied so much that he’s still the world’s richest person.
Bear in mind that none of these moneyed elites did anything to earn these extraordinary bonanzas. They didn’t work any harder, didn’t get smarter, didn’t add anything of value to society. They simply reclined in luxury and let their money make money. That’s a dirty little secret of our rigged economic system: Unfettered inequality begets ever-expanding inequality.
Another dirty little secret is that billionaire-ism and centibillionaire-ism are hereditary. Right-wing media baron Rupert Murdoch, for example, saw his enormous level of riches fall by $10 billion in 2019 but only because he doled out that wad of wealth to his six children. So, voila! Thus were born six brand-spanking-new baby billionaires who did nothing to reach the top of the world’s financial heap except please Daddy.
Not only are the rich different from you and me but they’re also different from the filthy rich. It can take hard work, creativity, perseverance and luck to become a millionaire, but in today’s skewed wealth system, multibillionaires don’t need any of that — their money does all the work to lift them above everyone else.
I’m guessing that being uber-rich is a comfortable feeling — no money worries; you’re set for life!
But is it possible that too rich can be too much, even discombobulating? Imagine being Mark Zuckerberg, who has become richer than Croesus by amalgamating vast troves of nearly everyone’s personal data and then using it piecemeal for global corporations, governments, political groups and who knows who else through his Facebook social media monopoly. Last year, his mass peddling of our privacy put another $27.3 billion in his pocket.
Imagine. On top of already having billions of bucks tucked away, suddenly, in a single year, here comes 27.3 more gushing into your treasury. Forget fundamental questions about whether you (or anyone) are worthy of such an excessive haul of the world’s wealth. How do you spend it? Mansions, yachts, jets, jewels, your personal island and other trinkets barely dent your multibillionous windfall. Funding political front groups and financing corporate-friendly candidates takes a little chunk of your change, as do some charity donations. And since the Trumpeteers slashed taxes for the corporate rich, far less of your extraordinarily good fortune is diverted to public need and America’s common good.
Thus, the bulk of your booty goes to making you even richer! You buy out other corporations and advanced technologies, and you dump billions into Wall Street, intentionally and artificially jacking up the price of stocks you own. Your wealth expands exponentially; inequality spreads further and faster; and the egalitarian ideals that hold our huge, diverse society together are stretched to the breaking point.
Interestingly, more and more of the uber-rich are comprehending the ultimate consequences of such extreme selfishness, so they’re responding with extreme consumerism. Specifically, they’ve created a boom in the sale of maximum-security, James Bond-ish armored vehicles. Priced in the half-million-dollar range, these rolling fortresses can come with 700 horsepower engines, tailpipe-to-grille anti-blast protection, door handles that can electrocute intruders, roof-mounted gun turrets and room for 10 fully equipped bodyguards.
With names like Marauder and Black Shark, these armored beasts have become the preferred rides of gabillionaires — not to flaunt their fortunes but to fend off the masses they’ve ripped off.


humortimes--2020-01-23--Unaffordable We Don’t Care Insurance

Unaffordable We Don’t Care Insurance

Might as well call it the Unaffordable Care Act .
Just tried to sign up for the Affordable Care Act insurance before the deadline .
Guess I should , after I severely broke my ankle last year and the hospital wanted $ 54,000 out of me for less than 20 hours in the hospital — no frills , no food , refused medication , got a ride from co-workers back and forth to avoid the inevitable horrendous ambulance bill .
Still came up to over $ 54,000 .
Part of it must have been that triple billing for the anesthesiology @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is more money than I make in two years , by the way .
So , I punched in the numbers and waited .
They came back with an answer of , “ Sorry , you make too much money ” — even though I had been on crutches for 6 weeks , unable to work for another month and had been unemployed again for two months later that fall .
But , low and behold , there was some hope .
“ Here are some alternatives for you !
” they wrote @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there were two possibilities , quoted me prices of $ 1300 and more a month for the blessing of being covered by an All-American , honest to God , real INSURANCE POLICY !
!
!
( Imagine a full scale orchestra playing triumphant music at this while fireworks went off ! )
After paying that and rent I would have about $ 400 dollars left over .
Shazam !
Think of all the things I could do with that $ 400 !
!
!
I could buy a used refrigerator box for $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all that expensive rent I pay now for other things , like food and a heater .
Or I could just move into my car and find a safe place to park it at night after putting all my stuff into a storage locker for between $ 80 to $ 100 a month .
Either option would enable me to live a somewhat normal life ( except for sleeping in a big box or a car… for the rest of the winter ) .
If I could get away with just leaving my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so I could quit my car insurance and have more moolah for myself .
What a great idea !
Walking three miles to work wouldn ’ t be all that great though .
Or I could go on an every-other day fast and that would help my health so I maybe wouldn ’ t need my unaffordable insurance and more could eventually give it up .
Don ’ t know if it would be good for me to lose any weight though as I am already as skinny as a rail .
People @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Or they wouldn ’ t see me if I turned sideways .
I could put up a tent or tepee under a tree , let the snow cover it and hope no one notices .
I just couldn ’ t keep any food inside as I know from experience that assorted animals WILL notice the smell and come after it .
You ’ d be surprised just how clever those allegedly ‘ dumb animals ’ can be .
Lastly there is the time honored alternative of hauling plywood up into the rafters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shelter with a rope ladder and hanging out there until A ) I am discovered and fired , B ) The bats get to me , C ) I fall and am dead , D ) I work for another 30 years and finally save up enough money to buy a dumpy house nearby .
Which alternative would you choose ?
Ain ’ t it great to live in a country where the cost of dying beats out the cost of living ?

Might as well call it the Unaffordable Care Act.
Just tried to sign up for the Affordable Care Act insurance before the deadline. Guess I should, after I severely broke my ankle last year and the hospital wanted $54,000 out of me for less than 20 hours in the hospital — no frills, no food, refused medication, got a ride from co-workers back and forth to avoid the inevitable horrendous ambulance bill.
Still came up to over $54,000. Part of it must have been that triple billing for the anesthesiology. (True!) $54,000 is more money than I make in two years, by the way.
So, I punched in the numbers and waited. They came back with an answer of, “Sorry, you make too much money” — even though I had been on crutches for 6 weeks, unable to work for another month and had been unemployed again for two months later that fall.
But, low and behold, there was some hope. “Here are some alternatives for you!” they wrote.
The alternative insurances, of which there were two possibilities, quoted me prices of $1300 and more a month for the blessing of being covered by an All-American, honest to God, real INSURANCE POLICY!!! ( Imagine a full scale orchestra playing triumphant music at this while fireworks went off!)
$1,300…
DAMN!
WOW!
After paying that and rent I would have about $400 dollars left over. Shazam! Think of all the things I could do with that $400!!!
I could buy a used refrigerator box for $20 and move into it and have all that expensive rent I pay now for other things, like food and a heater. Or I could just move into my car and find a safe place to park it at night after putting all my stuff into a storage locker for between $80 to $100 a month. Either option would enable me to live a somewhat normal life (except for sleeping in a big box or a car… for the rest of the winter). If I could get away with just leaving my car in one place for the winter so I could quit my car insurance and have more moolah for myself. What a great idea! Walking three miles to work wouldn’t be all that great though.
Or I could go on an every-other day fast and that would help my health so I maybe wouldn’t need my unaffordable insurance and more could eventually give it up. Don’t know if it would be good for me to lose any weight though as I am already as skinny as a rail. People might think I escaped from North Korea. Or they wouldn’t see me if I turned sideways.
I could put up a tent or tepee under a tree, let the snow cover it and hope no one notices. I just couldn’t keep any food inside as I know from experience that assorted animals WILL notice the smell and come after it. You’d be surprised just how clever those allegedly ‘dumb animals’ can be.
Lastly there is the time honored alternative of hauling plywood up into the rafters of my work building, making a shelter with a rope ladder and hanging out there until A) I am discovered and fired, B) The bats get to me, C) I fall and am dead, D) I work for another 30 years and finally save up enough money to buy a dumpy house nearby.
Which alternative would you choose?
Ain’t it great to live in a country where the cost of dying beats out the cost of living?
NOOOOOOOOO!