humortimes--2020-05-27--What’s Behind a Mask?

What’s Behind a Mask?

Big corporations rushed out like thieves behind a mask to exploit the crisis .
For future historians and artists who ’ ll chronicle today ’ s health and economic crisis , one humble item will stand out as the chief cultural emblem of the times : wearing a mask .
Or not .
These low-tech , low-cost , high-impact coverings for the nose and mouth are so simple and effective at helping reduce the COVID-19 infection rate that our top political leaders ’ failure to produce , distribute and require them en masse when the pandemic first spread ranks somewhere @ @ @ @ @ @ @ following the visual example set by doctors , nurses and other health professionals ( including morticians ! )
, the people themselves took the lead , rapidly making homemade masks a booming cottage industry and a charitable act .
Artists quickly chipped in with creative designs .
Impish youngsters put masks on public statues .
Cartoonists masked their characters .
And , of course , satirists produced photos of President Donald Trump wearing a mask … over his eyes .
Meanwhile , big corporations rushed out like masked thieves and deceivers to exploit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , their lobbyists shoved to the front of the line to grab billions in public relief funds meant for small Main Street businesses .
On the other hand , they ’ ve been churning out touchy-feely PR campaigns portraying Amazon warehouses , Hefty trash bags , McDonald ’ s fries and Walmart clerks as the epitome of all-in-this-together Americanism .
Their not-so-subliminal message in this global pandemic is that what unites us as a people is crass commercialism — so buy something from us !
Then there are the billionaire-funded , right-wing political @ @ @ @ @ @ @ small ( and small-minded ) protests against — wait for it — masks .
Yes , to advance their extremist , laissez faire ideology , the Koch brothers ’ network and others are actually working to divide Americans during this time of national crisis by demonizing , of all things , mask wearing !
They ’ ve incited a gaggle of latter-day Patrick Henrys to confuse patriotism with nutballism .
Thus , masquerading as brave defenders of individual liberty , some have felt free to trample on America ’ s Common Good .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a minor , temporary , life-saving wardrobe adjustment is pure tyranny , they freely breathe their COVID-19 infections into our public air , often while mocking and even assaulting retail employees , bus drivers and others who ’ re just trying to get everyone to live and let live .
In this strange time , the modest mask has become a complex social symbol with competing acts of generosity , greed and goofiness .
The good news is that generosity is prevailing over the other two .
Some people in particular ought to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in public — not a protective medical mask but full-facial ski masks , like those favored by bank robbers and muggers .
Take Zach Fuentes , for example , a former deputy chief of staff for the commander in chief himself .
He resigned from his White House duties in January , looking to parlay his government experience into some sort of lucrative , entrepreneurial future .
Then , the pandemic hit America , and tens of thousands of people began to die .
The dual horror of a rampant contagion and Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crisis , but Fuentes thought , “ Aha , opportunity !
” By April , he was in the federal contracting business , having set up a corporate facade for hustling deals to provide medical supplies to government agencies .
Only 11 days after he opened for business in Washington — Bingo !
— the lucky greenhorn won a $ 3 million contract from the Department of Health and Human Services to ship respirator masks to Navajo Nation hospitals in Arizona and New Mexico that were being overrun by hundreds of COVID-19 cases @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with little competitive bidding , even though he had no knowledge about medical supplies or experience in federal contracting , and even though his price of $ 3.24 per mask was triple the pre-pandemic cost of $ 1 each .
Oh , he also had no masks .
No problem there , though , for he had a source : China .
An obvious bit of irony there , since Trump is frantically trying to blame China for his own massive screw-ups in handling the pandemic in our country .
Worse for Fuentes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Chinese masks he procured for the Navajo hospitals may not provide inadequate protection , may be unsuitable for medical use or were not the type he promised to deliver .
So , the Navajo people didn ’ t get the help they urgently needed ; Fuentes and the Chinese supplier each made off with a bundle ; and we taxpayers got mugged .
This is what happens when government is turned over to insider profiteers .
These bungling bandits should at least have to wear scarlet masks so we can point them out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Don ’ t let them control your future .
”

Big corporations rushed out like thieves behind a mask to exploit the crisis.
For future historians and artists who’ll chronicle today’s health and economic crisis, one humble item will stand out as the chief cultural emblem of the times: wearing a mask. Or not.
These low-tech, low-cost, high-impact coverings for the nose and mouth are so simple and effective at helping reduce the COVID-19 infection rate that our top political leaders’ failure to produce, distribute and require them en masse when the pandemic first spread ranks somewhere between stupid and criminal. Yet, following the visual example set by doctors, nurses and other health professionals (including morticians!), the people themselves took the lead, rapidly making homemade masks a booming cottage industry and a charitable act. Artists quickly chipped in with creative designs. Impish youngsters put masks on public statues. Cartoonists masked their characters. And, of course, satirists produced photos of President Donald Trump wearing a mask … over his eyes.
Meanwhile, big corporations rushed out like masked thieves and deceivers to exploit the crisis. On the one hand, their lobbyists shoved to the front of the line to grab billions in public relief funds meant for small Main Street businesses. On the other hand, they’ve been churning out touchy-feely PR campaigns portraying Amazon warehouses, Hefty trash bags, McDonald’s fries and Walmart clerks as the epitome of all-in-this-together Americanism. Their not-so-subliminal message in this global pandemic is that what unites us as a people is crass commercialism — so buy something from us!
Then there are the billionaire-funded, right-wing political fronts that are staging a series of small (and small-minded) protests against — wait for it — masks. Yes, to advance their extremist, laissez faire ideology, the Koch brothers’ network and others are actually working to divide Americans during this time of national crisis by demonizing, of all things, mask wearing! They’ve incited a gaggle of latter-day Patrick Henrys to confuse patriotism with nutballism. Thus, masquerading as brave defenders of individual liberty, some have felt free to trample on America’s Common Good. Loudly proclaiming that being asked to make a minor, temporary, life-saving wardrobe adjustment is pure tyranny, they freely breathe their COVID-19 infections into our public air, often while mocking and even assaulting retail employees, bus drivers and others who’re just trying to get everyone to live and let live.
In this strange time, the modest mask has become a complex social symbol of competing acts of generosity, greed and goofiness. The good news is that generosity is prevailing over the other two.
Some people in particular ought to be wearing a mask wherever they go in public — not a protective medical mask but full-facial ski masks, like those favored by bank robbers and muggers.
Take Zach Fuentes, for example, a former deputy chief of staff for the commander in chief himself. He resigned from his White House duties in January, looking to parlay his government experience into some sort of lucrative, entrepreneurial future. Then, the pandemic hit America, and tens of thousands of people began to die. The dual horror of a rampant contagion and Trump’s incompetent government quickly spread the crisis, but Fuentes thought, “Aha, opportunity!”
By April, he was in the federal contracting business, having set up a corporate facade for hustling deals to provide medical supplies to government agencies. Only 11 days after he opened for business in Washington — Bingo! — the lucky greenhorn won a $3 million contract from the Department of Health and Human Services to ship respirator masks to Navajo Nation hospitals in Arizona and New Mexico that were being overrun by hundreds of COVID-19 cases. Fuentes was apparently awarded the contract with little competitive bidding, even though he had no knowledge about medical supplies or experience in federal contracting, and even though his price of $3.24 per mask was triple the pre-pandemic cost of $1 each.
Oh, he also had no masks. No problem there, though, for he had a source: China. An obvious bit of irony there, since Trump is frantically trying to blame China for his own massive screw-ups in handling the pandemic in our country.
Worse for Fuentes, though, the bulk of the Chinese masks he procured for the Navajo hospitals may not provide inadequate protection, may be unsuitable for medical use or were not the type he promised to deliver. So, the Navajo people didn’t get the help they urgently needed; Fuentes and the Chinese supplier each made off with a bundle; and we taxpayers got mugged.
This is what happens when government is turned over to insider profiteers. These bungling bandits should at least have to wear scarlet masks so we can point them out to our children and say, “Don’t let them control your future.”


humortimes--2020-05-27--The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 62-67

The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 62-67

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : It ’ s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all right here !
A silhouette of Elizabeth Warren is in back of the screen .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
The intern playfully slaps Jerry ’ s cheeks and hands him a microphone .
Welcome to the show .
How is everyone doing out there ?
They ’ re living .
Today on the show my special guest is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s been shaking it up in the Senate for the last seven years .
We ’ ll see , Big Mouth .
I ’ m a proud Cherokee woman .
I taught at Harvard law school and pushed out two babies .
I can top that .
Had a six pack before lunch .
It says in my notes that you were born in Oklahoma City .
Hey .
What do rednecks say after breaking up ?
You insulted half the state of Oklahoma .
I ’ m going to stick my foot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll taste your balls .
Do you understand ?
!
On the count of three .
One..two.. Mitch McConnell censored you in the Senate for defaming the character of then Attorney General Jeff Sessions .
Yeah .
And I told Turtle McConnell to quit hiding in his shell or I would torch it .
I was against Attorney General Jeff Sessions anti-immigration policy .
I fight for the little guy by making health care affordable , regulating Wall Street and banks , and making sure there are high paying jobs for anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you were running for president in this election and the last election .
What the hell happened ?
In 2016 , I was pressured by the Dems to drop out of the race .
Now it ’ s my turn , but I dropped out again .
Look .
The Trumpster considers you a threat to his presidency .
That ’ s because he ’ s one of the bad guys .
Trump likes to stiff the little people and berates women who are strong like me .
How strong are you ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ll show you .
She stands up in a karate position .
( nervous ) It ’ s okay .
I believe you .
Someday being president of the United States and putting you out of a job .
I ’ ll trade you my bong pipe for your peace pipe .
The Trumpster called you Pocahontas .
What did you say to him ?
Pocahontas was a heroine .
She saved the life of a settler named John Smith , who was going to be executed by my ancestors .
But that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ though I am one eighth , oh wait , one quarter .
No , one half Cherokee .
You see these middle fingers , Kemosabe ?
I know .
But Senator Sanders is in the lobby .
Says it ’ s important .
Someone served him the wrong breakfast at Denny ’ s ?
Okay , send him in .
Go ahead .
Let him .
I ’ m here for two reasons .
First , I want to make an announcement that there is going to be an Ethics investigation in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ floor making an important speech about healthcare .
And out of nowhere , Kellyanne Conway put her tongue down my throat .
At least it wasn ’ t Al Franken ’ s tongue .
Actually , Al Franken would have been better .
The important news and this is HUGE .
I ’ m running for president in 2024 .
You can ’ t run if I ’ m thinking of running !
It ’ s my turn , I ’ m a minority .
So am I .
Minority , shminority .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ experience as me .
I was on the committees for the budget , environment , energy and natural resources , health , education , labor and pensions , and former chair of Veteran Affaires .
That says it all .
Time to go , Bernie .
Is there a deli in the neighborhood ?
I ’ m dying for some fried salami and eggs .
My intern will show you to the door .
The intern grabs Sanders by the arm , who is kicking and screaming .
This is a bunch of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
Warren pulls out a tomahawk , swinging it near Jerry .
One of theses days I ’ m gon na chop off your balls , Duncan .
Jerry moves over to his apartment .

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Scene 5 Radio Station
A silhouette of Elizabeth Warren is in back of the screen.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks and hands him a microphone.
JERRY
Welcome to the show. How is everyone doing out there?
INTERN
They’re alive. They’re alive.
JERRY
They’re living. Today on the show my special guest is Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren. She’s been shaking it up in the Senate for the last seven years.
Jerry enters the screen.
WARREN
Take your battle station, Sailor.
JERRY
You met your match, Sister.
WARREN
We’ll see, Big Mouth. I’m a proud Cherokee woman. I taught at Harvard law school and pushed out two babies.
JERRY
I can top that. Had a six pack before lunch.
JERRY
It says in my notes that you were born in Oklahoma City. Hey. What do rednecks say after breaking up?
WARREN
I don’t know.
JERRY
Let’s just be cousins.
WARREN
You insulted half the state of Oklahoma.
JERRY
Mission accomplished.
WARREN
I’m going to stick my foot up your rear so hard that you’ll taste your balls. Do you understand?! On the count of three. One..two..
JERRY
Understood.
WARREN
Don’t disrespect me again, Paleface.
JERRY
Mitch McConnell censored you in the Senate for defaming the character of then Attorney General Jeff Sessions.
WARREN
Yeah. And I told Turtle McConnell to quit hiding in his shell or I would torch it.
Warren makes a Native American war chant.
WARREN
Heya, heya, hazaraya.
WARREN
I was against Attorney General Jeff Sessions anti-immigration policy. I fight for the little guy by making health care affordable, regulating Wall Street and banks, and making sure there are high paying jobs for anyone willing to work.
JERRY
Oh man, you were running for president in this election and the last election. What the hell happened?
WARREN
In 2016, I was pressured by the Dems to drop out of the race. Now it’s my turn, but I dropped out again.
JERRY
Look. The Trumpster considers you a threat to his presidency.
WARREN
That’s because he’s one of the bad guys. Trump likes to stiff the little people and berates women who are strong like me.
JERRY
How strong are you?
WARREN
Get up, Duncan. I’ll show you.
She stands up in a karate position.
JERRY
(nervous) It’s okay. I believe you.
JERRY
What’s on your agenda?
WARREN
Someday being president of the United States and putting you out of a job.
JERRY
I’ll trade you my bong pipe for your peace pipe.
Warren makes a native American war chant.
WARREN
Heya, heya, hazaraya.
WARREN
Yes.
JERRY
The Trumpster called you Pocahontas. What did you say to him?
WARREN
Pocahontas was a heroine. She saved the life of a settler named John Smith, who was going to be executed by my ancestors. But that’s not my name, even though I am one eighth, oh wait, one quarter. No, one half Cherokee.
JERRY
I’m not buying it.
WARREN
You see these middle fingers, Kemosabe?
The intern interrupts.
INTERN
Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
I’m doing a show, Scrambled Brains.
INTERN
I know. But Senator Sanders is in the lobby. Says it’s important.
JERRY
Someone served him the wrong breakfast at Denny’s? Okay, send him in.
WARREN
Bernie Sanders? He’ll cut into my air time.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Jerry. May I speak?
JERRY
Say please.
BERNIE
Please may I speak?
JERRY
No.
WARREN
Go ahead. Let him.
JERRY
Make it quick, Einstein.
SANDERS
I’m here for two reasons. First, I want to make an announcement that there is going to be an Ethics investigation in the Congress. I was on the Senate floor making an important speech about healthcare. And out of nowhere, Kellyanne Conway put her tongue down my throat.
WARREN
At least it wasn’t Al Franken’s tongue.
SANDERS
Actually, Al Franken would have been better.
SANDERS
The important news and this is HUGE. I’m running for president in 2024.
WARREN
You can’t run if I’m thinking of running! It’s my turn, I’m a minority.
SANDERS
So am I. Minority, shminority. You don’t have as much experience as me. I was on the committees for the budget, environment, energy and natural resources, health, education, labor and pensions, and former chair of Veteran Affaires.
JERRY
Blah, blah, blah. Senator Warren, your response.
WARREN
Pussy power!!
JERRY
That says it all. Time to go, Bernie.
SANDERS
Is there a deli in the neighborhood? I’m dying for some fried salami and eggs.
JERRY
My intern will show you to the door.
The intern grabs Sanders by the arm, who is kicking and screaming.
SANDERS
This is a bunch of mishegas. You’re all crazy!
Warren pulls out a tomahawk, swinging it near Jerry.
WARREN
One of theses days I’m gonna chop off your balls, Duncan.
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-05-27--A Cheech and Chong Conversation

A Cheech and Chong Conversation

The following short story is an excerpt from the new e-book “ Ninety-Nine Stories ” by Barry Fiegel ( 292 pages , available on Amazon for $ 9.99 ) .
This short story , “ A Cheech and Chong Conversation , ” is but one random sample out of the wide-ranging topics covered in the 99 stories therein .
( See ad on this site , right column . )
A Cheech and Chong Conversation happens when Cheech says to Chong , “ Open up !
It ’ s me , Dave !
I ’ ve got the stuff !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Dave ?
” And Cheech says , “ Dave , yes , Dave .
I ’ m Dave !
I ’ ve got the stuff !
Open up !
” And Chong says , “ Dave ?
” And Cheech says , “ Yes , Dave !
I ’ m Dave !
Open up !
” And Chong says , “ Dave ?
” And Cheech says , “ Yes !
Dave !
I ’ m Dave !
Open up !
” And Chong says , “ Dave ?
” …dot dot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and I try to be fair-minded and even-handed , so I try to watch not only the so-called “ liberal ” political shows on TV , such as MSNBC and CNN , but also the so-called “ conservative ” political shows on TV , such as Fox News .
But I admit that whenever I watch Fox News on TV , it ’ s like a Cheech and Chong Conversation in my own mind , because I ’ m thinking , Wow , you do know that President Donald Trump is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
And I ’ m thinking , Liar , yes , liar .
Donald Trump is a liar .
He lies all the time .
You do agree that Donald Trump is a liar—right ?
And it ’ s like , Liar ?
And I ’ m like , Liar , yes , liar .
I mean , you do agree , of course , that Donald Trump doesn ’ t tell the truth—right ?
And it ’ s like , The truth ?
And I ’ m like , The truth , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you do agree , of course , that Donald Trump is dishonest—right ?
And it ’ s like , Dishonest ?
And I ’ m like , Dishonest , yes , dishonest .
Donald Trump is a dishonest person—he is an extremely dishonest person .
You do agree , of course , that the President Donald Trump person is an extremely dishonest person—right ?
And it ’ s like , Dishonest ?
And I ’ m like , Dishonest , yes , dishonest .
Like , you know , unethical .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the President Donald Trump person is obviously an extremely unethical person—right ?
And it ’ s like , Unethical ?
And I ’ m like , Unethical , yes , unethical .
I mean , you do agree , of course , that the President Donald Trump person is a very chronic and constant liar—right ?
And it ’ s like , Liar ?
And I ’ m like , Liar , yes , liar .
And I ’ m like , All things considered—considering that the President Donald Trump person is such @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dishonest person and such an extremely unethical person—all things considered , you do agree , of course , that the President Donald Trump person is obviously unfit to be the chief executive officer and commander in chief of the United States government—right ?
You do agree that Donald Trump is extremely unfit to be the President of the United States—right ?
You do agree that he is unfit—right ?

The following short story is an excerpt from the new e-book “Ninety-Nine Stories” by Barry Fiegel (292 pages, available on Amazon for $9.99). This short story, “A Cheech and Chong Conversation,” is but one random sample out of the wide-ranging topics covered in the 99 stories therein. (See ad on this site, right column.)
A Cheech and Chong Conversation
by Barry Fiegel
A Cheech and Chong Conversation happens when Cheech says to Chong, “Open up! It’s me, Dave! I’ve got the stuff!” And Chong says to Cheech, “Dave?” And Cheech says, “Dave, yes, Dave. I’m Dave! I’ve got the stuff! Open up!” And Chong says, “Dave?” And Cheech says, “Yes, Dave! I’m Dave! Open up!” And Chong says, “Dave?” And Cheech says, “Yes! Dave! I’m Dave! Open up!” And Chong says, “Dave?”…dot dot dot… Today is December 16, 2018, and I try to be fair-minded and even-handed, so I try to watch not only the so-called “liberal” political shows on TV, such as MSNBC and CNN, but also the so-called “conservative” political shows on TV, such as Fox News. But I admit that whenever I watch Fox News on TV, it’s like a Cheech and Chong Conversation in my own mind, because I’m thinking, Wow, you do know that President Donald Trump is a liar—right? And it’s like—Liar? And I’m thinking, Liar, yes, liar. Donald Trump is a liar. He lies all the time. You do agree that Donald Trump is a liar—right? And it’s like, Liar? And I’m like, Liar, yes, liar. I mean, you do agree, of course, that Donald Trump doesn’t tell the truth—right? And it’s like, The truth? And I’m like, The truth, yes, The truth. I mean, you do agree, of course, that Donald Trump is dishonest—right? And it’s like, Dishonest? And I’m like, Dishonest, yes, dishonest. Donald Trump is a dishonest person—he is an extremely dishonest person. You do agree, of course, that the President Donald Trump person is an extremely dishonest person—right? And it’s like, Dishonest? And I’m like, Dishonest, yes, dishonest. Like, you know, unethical. You do agree, of course, that the President Donald Trump person is obviously an extremely unethical person—right? And it’s like, Unethical? And I’m like, Unethical, yes, unethical. I mean, you do agree, of course, that the President Donald Trump person is a very chronic and constant liar—right? And it’s like, Liar? And I’m like, Liar, yes, liar. And I’m like, All things considered—considering that the President Donald Trump person is such an extreme liar and such an extremely dishonest person and such an extremely unethical person—all things considered, you do agree, of course, that the President Donald Trump person is obviously unfit to be the chief executive officer and commander in chief of the United States government—right? You do agree that Donald Trump is extremely unfit to be the President of the United States—right? You do agree that he is unfit—right? And it’s like, Unfit? —


humortimes--2020-05-30--The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 68-71

The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 68-71

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : It ’ s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all right here !
Jerry seated in his chair , flips through a black book .
( talks to himself ) Bunch of losers .
Sally Simon…stupid .
Trish Sweeney…ugly .
Joanne Martin…missing teeth .
Susan Pershkin…pimples .
He tosses the book over his shoulder .
I ’ m so bored .
I even miss talking to my mother .
That ’ s what I was hoping you ’ d say .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ here .
What do you mean ?
There is a loud pounding on the door .
Open up .
I need to talk to you , Duncan .
That voice .
It sounds familiar .
I ’ m gon na look through the peephole .
Don ’ t let him see you .
The pounding continues .
People in the apartment building are yelling .
It ’ s eleven o ’ clock at night .
I ’ m trying to sleep , you bastard !
I ’ ll huff and I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your cheap door down !
Don ’ t mess with my head .
I ’ m the big bad wolf .
Wait a second .
I am Alec Baldwin .
Please open up , you ’ re my last hope .
I need to speak to the smartest man on the planet .
Let him in .
We ’ ll talk later .
Sorry to bother you at home , Duncan .
That ’ s what OJ Simpson said to his ex-wife Nicole before he killed her .
My career is going south @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for taking my parking spot .
I ’ m still haunted by the voice mail I left my daughter Ireland when I called her “ a rude , thoughtless little pig.
” Don ’ t forget when you punched out the photographer for videotaping your wife Kim Basinger .
You had to remind me .
Mean…sneaky .
Had the court send me to anger management .
Couldn ’ t see Ireland for years .
I want to throw Kim off the Brooklyn Bridge !
Hold on , my meditation chant .
Ahmmmmmm .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Are we on the air ?
Are you on drugs ?
This is my living room .
Hey , Bong Breath .
Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetner ?
I can ’ t think right now .
She thought it was a diet coke .
Quit screwing around .
Where ’ s my feet ?
!
Did you hide them ?
No wonder you ’ re messed up .
You were born in Amityville , New York .
That ’ s where the horror film takes place .
It makes sense .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Baldwin .
You have too many activities .
That ’ s your problem .
You might be right .
But I can ’ t give up my charity Gere ’ s Rear .
We rescue gerbils that hide in Richard Gere ’ s ass and reunite them with their families .
It ’ s a noble cause .
But get rid of your brother Stephen .
He ’ s the most insane person on the planet .
Yeah .
We did a series together called Forgetting The Baldwin Brothers .
In one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ week in the wilderness with a horny Betty White .
I ’ m damaged goods .
Thanks for your advice , Duncan .
Baldwin gives him a high five .
Jerry moves over to the radio station .
The show from Sing Sing prison is going to rock .
Mr. Duncan .
This letter came Priority Mail Express .
The envelope smells like perfume .
The intern takes a whiff of the envelope and hands it to him , then exits .
Jerry opens the envelope and reads the letter that is accompanied @ @ @ @ @ @ @ handsome and brilliant .
My name is Tiffany Anderson .
I ’ m an astrologist .
Long story short .
I had a conversation with my late aunt who knows your mother .
She said to get in touch with you .
Here ’ s my number .
The intern returns .
He glances at the photo .
Yes , it is .
Next stop Sing Sing prison .

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Scene 6 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry seated in his chair, flips through a black book.
JERRY
(talks to himself) Bunch of losers. Sally Simon…stupid. Trish Sweeney…ugly. Joanne Martin…missing teeth. Susan Pershkin…pimples.
He tosses the book over his shoulder.
JERRY
I’m so bored. I even miss talking to my mother.
Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
That’s what I was hoping you’d say. But not the reason I’m here.
JERRY
What do you mean?
MAGGIE
You’re in danger, Jerry.
There is a loud pounding on the door.
MAGGIE
Don’t answer!
ALEC BALDWIN
Open up. I need to talk to you, Duncan.
JERRY
That voice. It sounds familiar. I’m gonna look through the peephole.
MAGGIE
Don’t let him see you.
Jerry looks.
JERRY
It’s Alec Baldwin.
The pounding continues. People in the apartment building are yelling.
ANGRY VOICE #1
It’s eleven o’clock at night. I’m trying to sleep, you bastard!
ANGRY VOICE #2
I hope you’re evicted, Duncan!
ANGRY VOICE #3
Your show sucks!
BALDWIN
I’ll huff and I’ll puff. And I’ll blow your cheap door down!
JERRY
You can’t fool me, Baldwin.
BALDWIN
Don’t mess with my head. I’m the big bad wolf. Wait a second. I am Alec Baldwin. Please open up, you’re my last hope. I need to speak to the smartest man on the planet.
MAGGIE
Let him in. We’ll talk later.
Jerry opens the door. Alec Baldwin enters as Maggie exits.
BALDWIN
Sorry to bother you at home, Duncan.
JERRY
That’s what OJ Simpson said to his ex-wife Nicole before he killed her.
BALDWIN
My career is going south. I recently punched out a man for taking my parking spot. I’m still haunted by the voice mail I left my daughter Ireland when I called her “a rude, thoughtless little pig.”
JERRY
Don’t forget when you punched out the photographer for videotaping your wife Kim Basinger.
BALDWIN
You had to remind me.
JERRY
She’s hot.
BALDWIN
Mean…sneaky. Had the court send me to anger management. Couldn’t see Ireland for years. I want to throw Kim off the Brooklyn Bridge! Hold on, my meditation chant.
BALDWIN
Ahmmmmmm. Sorry, I lost my cool. Are we on the air?
JERRY
Are you on drugs? This is my living room. Hey, Bong Breath. Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetner?
BALDWIN
I can’t think right now.
JERRY
She thought it was a diet coke.
BALDWIN
Quit screwing around. Where’s my feet?! Did you hide them?
JERRY
No wonder you’re messed up. You were born in Amityville, New York. That’s where the horror film takes place.
BALDWIN
It makes sense. My brother is Stephen Baldwin.
JERRY
He’s a nut job.
BALDWIN
Go ahead, destroy my family. Ahmmmmmm.
JERRY
Listen, Baldwin. You have too many activities. That’s your problem.
BALDWIN
You might be right. But I can’t give up my charity Gere’s Rear.
JERRY
What’s that?
BALDWIN
We rescue gerbils that hide in Richard Gere’s ass and reunite them with their families.
JERRY
It’s a noble cause. But get rid of your brother Stephen. He’s the most insane person on the planet.
BALDWIN
Yeah. We did a series together called Forgetting The Baldwin Brothers. In one episode, Stephen made me spend a week in the wilderness with a horny Betty White. I’m damaged goods.
BALDWIN
Thanks for your advice, Duncan.
Baldwin gives him a high five. Jerry moves over to the radio station.
Scene 7 Radio Station
The intern greets Jerry.
INTERN
The show from Sing Sing prison is going to rock.
JERRY
Can’t wait, man.
INTERN
Mr. Duncan. This letter came Priority Mail Express. The envelope smells like perfume.
The intern remains standing.
JERRY
Give me it!
The intern takes a whiff of the envelope and hands it to him, then exits. Jerry opens the envelope and reads the letter that is accompanied by a photo.
JERRY
She’s a 10! Unbelievable.
Reads the letter out loud.
Dear Jerry,
You are so handsome and brilliant. My name is Tiffany Anderson. I’m an astrologist. Long story short. I had a conversation with my late aunt who knows your mother. She said to get in touch with you. Here’s my number.
Tiffany
The intern returns. He glances at the photo.
JERRY
My dream girl.
INTERN
Yes, it is. Next stop Sing Sing prison.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-05-31--Great Black Shark Union Files Discrimination Suit Against News Outlets

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Discrimination suit filed on behalf of all overlooked shark species , says lawyer .
At the onset of the worldwide tourist and vacation season , The International Brotherhood of Great Black Sharks has filed a discrimination suit against such international news outlets as CBS News , CNN , The New York Times , The London Times , MSNBC and SNN .
The suit claims that over the past four decades the news media has given over abundant coverage to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ totally the Great Black Shark .
The union has hired the legendary Slobovian Social Injustice law firm of Monkey , Hipps and Rice to handle the case .
Firm spokesman and lead attorney Shoodooht N. Shoobydooh spoke at a recent news conference and summed up the case this way : “ Over the past several decades , the international news media has run amuck covering the actions of the much publicized Great White Shark .
There have been films , books , documentaries , exclusive news stories about The Great White Shark… all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the ignored.
” Miss Shoobydooh also stated that the lawsuit is inclusive of other shark brands such as The Great Orange , The Great Chartruese , The Great Mauve and The Great Texas Red Shark , none of whom get news coverage .
She stated that she also represents the much maligned and joked about Great Pink Shark , which recently has become the butt of crass jokes such as , “ What does a Great Pink shark say when it grabs you in the water ?
” Bitesy Witesy.
” She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been filed against the firm that books sharks for appearances .
She stated that Great White Sharks get choice bookings into places like Cape Cod and Myrtle Beach , while Great Black Sharks only get into the wading pool at The Brooklyn Naval Yard and The Sea of Poontang .
The case will be heard in Slobovian Superior Court with Judge OooPooh Pah-Dooh presiding .
There is word that The Great White Shark Union is hiring the law firm of Shoopshoop , Shangalang and Jiggeyboppe to represent their interest and image , should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Discrimination suit filed on behalf of all overlooked shark species, says lawyer.
(Part of the continuing Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network) series.)
At the onset of the worldwide tourist and vacation season, The International Brotherhood of Great Black Sharks has filed a discrimination suit against such international news outlets as CBS News, CNN, The New York Times, The London Times, MSNBC and SNN.
The suit claims that over the past four decades the news media has given over abundant coverage to the rival Great White Shark while ignoring totally the Great Black Shark.
The union has hired the legendary Slobovian Social Injustice law firm of Monkey, Hipps and Rice to handle the case.
Firm spokesman and lead attorney Shoodooht N. Shoobydooh spoke at a recent news conference and summed up the case this way: “Over the past several decades, the international news media has run amuck covering the actions of the much publicized Great White Shark. There have been films, books, documentaries, exclusive news stories about The Great White Shark… all while our clients labor in a realm of the ignored.”
Miss Shoobydooh also stated that the lawsuit is inclusive of other shark brands such as The Great Orange, The Great Chartruese, The Great Mauve and The Great Texas Red Shark, none of whom get news coverage.
She stated that she also represents the much maligned and joked about Great Pink Shark, which recently has become the butt of crass jokes such as, “What does a Great Pink shark say when it grabs you in the water? ”Bitesy Witesy.”
She also stated that a law suit had been filed against the firm that books sharks for appearances. She stated that Great White Sharks get choice bookings into places like Cape Cod and Myrtle Beach, while Great Black Sharks only get into the wading pool at The Brooklyn Naval Yard and The Sea of Poontang.
The case will be heard in Slobovian Superior Court with Judge OooPooh Pah-Dooh presiding.
There is word that The Great White Shark Union is hiring the law firm of Shoopshoop, Shangalang and Jiggeyboppe to represent their interest and image, should they be subpoenaed for the upcoming trial.


humortimes--2020-06-02--Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/2/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/2/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ team as two astronauts blasted off away from earth … and an entire country looked on in jealousy… Trump continues to claim he took hydroxychloroquine as possible coronavirus treatment Frankly , I ’ d only believe it , if hydroxychloroquine is short for Hydrox cookie .
Kroger ’ s CEO says there will still be meat in stores but customers may have to be ‘ flexible ’ on what they buy … Road kill in aisle three .
Road kill in aisle three… Now guys are asking : “ How much for showing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez are reportedly taking steps towards buying the Mets … no word on how much they ’ ll be paid to take the team off present owner ’ s hands .
Fallon in trouble for pictures of him in blackface as Chris Rock in 20-year-old SNL sketch If any more pictures of Fallon in blackface surface , you know Trump ’ s going ask for his birth certificate .
Guess they should ’ ve signed up for the extra insurance .
Georgia officials trying to stop large , invasive lizards @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Or , as they ’ re also known ‘ the in-laws.
’ ESPN ’ s Lance Armstrong documentary tanks in rating after strong showing by ‘ The Last Dance ’ I ’ m thinking it would ’ ve done better if they called it ‘ The Ball on That Guy !
’ NYC investigates white woman who called police on black man in Central Park Personally , I ’ m waiting for the musical version ‘ Sunday in Park with the Karen.
’ Forbes alleges Kylie Jenner lied about revenue for her online @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a billionaire… ?
So , she was acting Presidential .
Jay Cutler is not hanging out with Kristin Cavallari ’ s Ex-BFF , source says He probably tried making a pass , but someone else intercepted and ran it back for a touchdown .
Brad Pitt Is “ so proud of Shiloh and who she has become ” on her 14th birthday Personally , I ’ m impressed he can remember all those kids ’ names without name tags !
Trump says he would shut down Twitter … Twitter should put a fact @ @ @ @

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
SpaceX and NASA team as two astronauts blasted off away from earth
… and an entire country looked on in jealousy…
Trump continues to claim he took hydroxychloroquine as possible coronavirus treatment
Frankly, I’d only believe it, if hydroxychloroquine is short for Hydrox cookie.
Kroger’s CEO says there will still be meat in stores but customers may have to be ‘flexible’ on what they buy
… Road kill in aisle three. Road kill in aisle three…
Wyoming strip club reopens with ‘masks on, clothes off’ party
Now guys are asking: “How much for showing me a little face?”
Alex Rodriguez and Jennifer Lopez are reportedly taking steps towards buying the Mets
… no word on how much they’ll be paid to take the team off present owner’s hands.
Fallon in trouble for pictures of him in blackface as Chris Rock in 20-year-old SNL sketch
If any more pictures of Fallon in blackface surface, you know Trump’s going ask for his birth certificate.
Hertz declares bankruptcy
Guess they should’ve signed up for the extra insurance.
Georgia officials trying to stop large, invasive lizards that eat ‘anything they want’
Or, as they’re also known ‘the in-laws.’
ESPN’s Lance Armstrong documentary tanks in rating after strong showing by ‘The Last Dance’
I’m thinking it would’ve done better if they called it ‘The Ball on That Guy!’
NYC investigates white woman who called police on black man in Central Park
Personally, I’m waiting for the musical version ‘Sunday in Park with the Karen.’
Forbes alleges Kylie Jenner lied about revenue for her online cosmetics brand — for years
Not actually a billionaire…? So, she was acting Presidential.
Jay Cutler is not hanging out with Kristin Cavallari’s Ex-BFF, source says
He probably tried making a pass, but someone else intercepted and ran it back for a touchdown.
Brad Pitt Is “so proud of Shiloh and who she has become” on her 14th birthday
Personally, I’m impressed he can remember all those kids’ names without name tags!
Trump says he would shut down Twitter
… Twitter should put a fact check after it …


humortimes--2020-06-02--Donald Trump’s Pandemic Diary

Donald Trump’s Pandemic Diary

An exclusive look at the president ’ s pandemic diary shows that he knows who ’ s really to blame .
It ’ s just wrong that people are blaming me for the pandemic and some of those people don ’ t work for me so I can ’ t fire them ; I can only ridicule them .
You and I , diary , know that I ’ m not to blame .
All I have to do is look at your earlier entries and it ’ s clear that ( a ) no one knew about this virus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t have done anything early on and ( c ) I knew this was a pandemic before it even was a pandemic .
I ’ ve done everything perfectly from day one and still people are blaming me .
So unfair .
That ’ s why I ’ ve got to set the record straight , diary .
You know who knew about this virus and did nothing ?
The Chinese ; that ’ s who .
Everyone was praising Xi for his cooperation and transparency .
Some even said I agreed which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right away that it was some tasty Chinese bat or , more likely , some nasty virus lab in Wuhan .
You know WHO else is to blame ?
That ’ s right ; the WHO .
Believe me , they screwed up big time .
I signed a four-page letter detailing all their horrible mistakes .
I can ’ t remember them all but Jared says they ’ re pretty bad .
And then there ’ s the Democrats .
Instead of concentrating on COVID-19 , they were too busy impeaching me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hadn ’ t distracted everyone with that Russia hoax , we could have nipped this bug in the bud .
Someone else I blame is Obama .
If that grossly incompetent Kenyan had done his job , we would have had tons of supplies for the pandemic and a vaccine for the yet-to-be discovered virus .
Instead all we ’ ve got is Obamagate which is the biggest unidentified crime in American history .
One of the biggest forces behind the pandemic , of course , is the Deep State .
People are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ left wingers and anti-Trumpers in the federal government who have been plotting against me for years .
And part of that secret group is that enemy of the people Hillary Clinton .
She can ’ t stand the fact that I defeated her by the largest margin in modern history and that ’ s why she unleashed the pandemic .
But that ’ s not all .
Ask yourself who has the most to gain from this pandemic .
That ’ s right ; the drug companies .
They ’ ll come up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and billions of dollars .
Actually , those with the most to gain are the baby boomers .
If we had any sense , we would never have shut down the country and instead should have let the virus do its job and weed them out .
And I blame the governors who really screwed up big time .
They didn ’ t have enough supplies or tests even though I kept providing them with everything they needed .
Then they closed down too late and opened too soon unless the early opening @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was my idea .
Oh yeah , before I forget , I blame Nancy Pelosi , Chuck Schumer , Mitt Romney and Mitch McConnell .
I also blame Mike Pence , Ivanka , Eric , Don , Jr. , Melania and , dear diary , maybe even you .
Finally , I blame the American people .
You know who you are .
I worked like a dog to make sure anyone could get a COVID-19 test any time they wanted one and you simply chose not to get one .

An exclusive look at the president’s pandemic diary shows that he knows who’s really to blame.
Dear Diary,
It’s just wrong that people are blaming me for the pandemic and some of those people don’t work for me so I can’t fire them; I can only ridicule them.
You and I, diary, know that I’m not to blame. All I have to do is look at your earlier entries and it’s clear that (a) no one knew about this virus, (b) I couldn’t have done anything early on and (c) I knew this was a pandemic before it even was a pandemic.
I’ve done everything perfectly from day one and still people are blaming me. So unfair. That’s why I’ve got to set the record straight, diary.
You know who knew about this virus and did nothing? The Chinese; that’s who. Everyone was praising Xi for his cooperation and transparency. Some even said I agreed which is totally fake news. I knew right away that it was some tasty Chinese bat or, more likely, some nasty virus lab in Wuhan.
You know WHO else is to blame? That’s right; the WHO. Believe me, they screwed up big time. I signed a four-page letter detailing all their horrible mistakes. I can’t remember them all but Jared says they’re pretty bad.
And then there’s the Democrats. Instead of concentrating on COVID-19, they were too busy impeaching me on trumped up charges. If they hadn’t distracted everyone with that Russia hoax, we could have nipped this bug in the bud.
Someone else I blame is Obama. If that grossly incompetent Kenyan had done his job, we would have had tons of supplies for the pandemic and a vaccine for the yet-to-be discovered virus. Instead all we’ve got is Obamagate which is the biggest unidentified crime in American history.
One of the biggest forces behind the pandemic, of course, is the Deep State. People are saying that there are literally thousands of left wingers and anti-Trumpers in the federal government who have been plotting against me for years.
And part of that secret group is that enemy of the people Hillary Clinton. She can’t stand the fact that I defeated her by the largest margin in modern history and that’s why she unleashed the pandemic.
But that’s not all. Ask yourself who has the most to gain from this pandemic. That’s right; the drug companies. They’ll come up with medications and vaccines and make billions and billions of dollars.
Actually, those with the most to gain are the baby boomers. If we had any sense, we would never have shut down the country and instead should have let the virus do its job and weed them out.
And I blame the governors who really screwed up big time. They didn’t have enough supplies or tests even though I kept providing them with everything they needed. Then they closed down too late and opened too soon unless the early opening worked which, in that case, was my idea.
Oh yeah, before I forget, I blame Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Mitt Romney and Mitch McConnell. I also blame Mike Pence, Ivanka, Eric, Don, Jr., Melania and, dear diary, maybe even you.
Finally, I blame the American people. You know who you are. I worked like a dog to make sure anyone could get a COVID-19 test any time they wanted one and you simply chose not to get one.


No Touching Please

The best way to stop the spread of the coronavirus is to practice social distancing , so , unfortunately , no touching please !
We now know that the best way to stop the spread of the coronavirus is to practice social distancing .
That means that we should stay at least six feet away from each other .
But it ’ s hard for us to keep our distance from our fellow Americans .
We want to be near each other .
We like to touch one another .
And I don ’ t mean in an inappropriate way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Access Hollywood tape .
I mean we like to shake hands and we want to slap each other on the back ( or on the face ) .
And we yearn to hug one another .
Boy do we like to hug !
It used to be that you only embraced family members or very close friends .
But now it seems that we have been hugging people that we barely know .
It can be uncomfortable because you ’ re never sure what the other person wants or expects .
It is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Do you fist bump , shake hands , do a half hug with a pat on the back , or do you go in for the full bear hug ?
And rest assured that the two of you won ’ t be on the same page .
We even have national holidays dedicated to touching and embracing each other .
Take for example January 21st , which is National Hug Day .
On that day you are supposed to go around hugging everyone , including strangers .
They say it nurtures human @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more likely to nurture lawsuits and spread cooties .
No one knows how or when the coronavirus began to spread in the United States but it may have started after National Hug Day which occurred before we learned about social distancing .
Most humans need a hug every so often but rather than embracing everyone as we did in January , we should now confine our hugging to Hug Your Dog Day ( April 10 ) and Hug Your Cat Day ( June 4 ) and Hug Your Kid Day ( July 20 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Cases of coronavirus really shot up in March and April and “ touching ” holidays may have been the culprit again .
In those months we had : All these days involved significant touching when we should have been keeping our distance .
There are more holidays coming up in the next two months that should cause concern as well , such as National Handshake Day on June 25 and National Kissing Day on July 6 .
There is also another Hug Holiday on June 29 .
This one was created to encourage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it , especially the sick and the elderly .
However , these days someone arriving at a nursing home or a hospital to give out hugs would be as welcome as Nancy Pelosi at a Trump rally .
President Trump needs to sign an executive order canceling these upcoming observances .
Then he should sign another order making Hand Hygiene Day ( October 15 ) and National Mask Day ( December 20 ) holidays every day until the pandemic is over .
In the meantime , No Touching Please .
And until the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ day to be National Wine Day .

The best way to stop the spread of the coronavirus is to practice social distancing, so, unfortunately, no touching please!
We now know that the best way to stop the spread of the coronavirus is to practice social distancing. That means that we should stay at least six feet away from each other. But it’s hard for us to keep our distance from our fellow Americans. We want to be near each other. We like to touch one another. And I don’t mean in an inappropriate way, like what was described on the Access Hollywood tape. I mean we like to shake hands and we want to slap each other on the back (or on the face). And we yearn to hug one another. Boy do we like to hug!
It used to be that you only embraced family members or very close friends. But now it seems that we have been hugging people that we barely know. It can be uncomfortable because you’re never sure what the other person wants or expects. It is especially awkward when two guys get together. Do you fist bump, shake hands, do a half hug with a pat on the back, or do you go in for the full bear hug? And rest assured that the two of you won’t be on the same page.
We even have national holidays dedicated to touching and embracing each other. Take for example January 21st, which is National Hug Day. On that day you are supposed to go around hugging everyone, including strangers. They say it nurtures human relationships. I think it’s more likely to nurture lawsuits and spread cooties.
No one knows how or when the coronavirus began to spread in the United States but it may have started after National Hug Day which occurred before we learned about social distancing. Most humans need a hug every so often but rather than embracing everyone as we did in January, we should now confine our hugging to Hug Your Dog Day (April 10) and Hug Your Cat Day (June 4) and Hug Your Kid Day (July 20) while wearing masks of course.
Cases of coronavirus really shot up in March and April and “touching” holidays may have been the culprit again. In those months we had:
Hug a G.I. Day – March 4
Hug a Newsman Day – April 4
National Slap Day- April 13
High Five Day – April 21 and
Hug an Australian Day – April 26
All these days involved significant touching when we should have been keeping our distance.
There are more holidays coming up in the next two months that should cause concern as well, such as National Handshake Day on June 25 and National Kissing Day on July 6. There is also another Hug Holiday on June 29. This one was created to encourage giving squeezes to those who really need it, especially the sick and the elderly. However, these days someone arriving at a nursing home or a hospital to give out hugs would be as welcome as Nancy Pelosi at a Trump rally.
President Trump needs to sign an executive order canceling these upcoming observances. Then he should sign another order making Hand Hygiene Day (October 15) and National Mask Day (December 20) holidays every day until the pandemic is over. In the meantime, No Touching Please.
And until the pandemic is beaten, I declare every day to be National Wine Day.


humortimes--2020-06-02--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: We Can’t Breathe, They Can’t Grieve

Don ’ t stand for taking this lying down !
Hardliners are always the biggest whiners .
Racists can run @ @ @ @ @ t hide the truth .
Trump always puts himself in the slimelight .
The news @ @ @ @ @ .
A lout and a louse lives in the “ Whitey ” House .
True @ @ @ @ @ vain , because that would be stupid .
All I ’ m masking is why @ @ @ @ @ those who you appreciate , thank fully .
Don ’ t be sloppy , Joe @ @ @ @ @ be a hamburger !
Joe must prove to progressives that he ’ s Biden to @ @ @ @ @ .
Hate hate .
Again and again .

We can’t tolerate intolerance.
The police suspects their victims.
Don’t stand for taking this lying down!
The Trump curse only makes things worse.
Hardliners are always the biggest whiners.
Shout down intoler-rants.
Racists can run, but they can’t hide the truth.
Trump always puts himself in the slimelight.
The news is closing in on you.
A lout and a louse lives in the “Whitey” House.
Fox news: Alternate reali-teatime.
Trump supporters are idiot-syncratic.
Pigs swallow any slop they’re given.
True intelligence is never arrogant and vain, because that would be stupid.
All I’m masking is why not be safe?
Remember those who you appreciate, thank fully.
Don’t be sloppy, Joe. And don’t be a hamburger!
Joe must prove to progressives that he’s Biden to their agenda.
Elizabeth offers a four-year Warrenty.
Love love. Hate hate. Again and again.


humortimes--2020-05-30--A Cheech and Chong Conversation

A Cheech and Chong Conversation

The following short story is an excerpt from the new e-book “ Ninety-Nine Stories ” by Barry Fiegel ( 292 pages , available on Amazon for $ 9.99 ) .
This short story , “ A Cheech and Chong Conversation , ” is but one random sample out of the wide-ranging topics covered in the 99 stories therein .
( See ad on this site , right column . )
A Cheech and Chong Conversation happens when Cheech says to Chong , “ Open up !
It ’ s me , Dave !
I ’ ve got the stuff !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Dave ?
” And Cheech says , “ Dave , yes , Dave .
I ’ m Dave !
I ’ ve got the stuff !
Open up !
” And Chong says , “ Dave ?
” And Cheech says , “ Yes , Dave !
I ’ m Dave !
Open up !
” And Chong says , “ Dave ?
” And Cheech says , “ Yes !
Dave !
I ’ m Dave !
Open up !
” And Chong says , “ Dave ?
” …dot dot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and I try to be fair-minded and even-handed , so I try to watch not only the so-called “ liberal ” political shows on TV , such as MSNBC and CNN , but also the so-called “ conservative ” political shows on TV , such as Fox News .
But I admit that whenever I watch Fox News on TV , it ’ s like a Cheech and Chong Conversation in my own mind , because I ’ m thinking , Wow , you do know that President Donald Trump is a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
And I ’ m thinking , Liar , yes , liar .
Donald Trump is a liar .
He lies all the time .
You do agree that Donald Trump is a liar—right ?
And it ’ s like , Liar ?
And I ’ m like , Liar , yes , liar .
I mean , you do agree , of course , that Donald Trump doesn ’ t tell the truth—right ?
And it ’ s like , The truth ?
And I ’ m like , The truth , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you do agree , of course , that Donald Trump is dishonest—right ?
And it ’ s like , Dishonest ?
And I ’ m like , Dishonest , yes , dishonest .
Donald Trump is a dishonest person—he is an extremely dishonest person .
You do agree , of course , that the President Donald Trump person is an extremely dishonest person—right ?
And it ’ s like , Dishonest ?
And I ’ m like , Dishonest , yes , dishonest .
Like , you know , unethical .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the President Donald Trump person is obviously an extremely unethical person—right ?
And it ’ s like , Unethical ?
And I ’ m like , Unethical , yes , unethical .
I mean , you do agree , of course , that the President Donald Trump person is a very chronic and constant liar—right ?
And it ’ s like , Liar ?
And I ’ m like , Liar , yes , liar .
And I ’ m like , All things considered—considering that the President Donald Trump person is such @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dishonest person and such an extremely unethical person—all things considered , you do agree , of course , that the President Donald Trump person is obviously unfit to be the chief executive officer and commander in chief of the United States government—right ?
You do agree that Donald Trump is extremely unfit to be the President of the United States—right ?
You do agree that he is unfit—right ?
And it ’ s like , Unfit ?
—


humortimes--2020-06-02--Giving Donald Trump His Props: Top Ten

Giving Donald Trump His Props: Top Ten

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humortimes--2020-06-02--Cartoonist Henry Boltinoff: His Signature Was Everywhere

His iconic signature could be found in magazines , comic books and comic strips .
Funnies Farrago on Henry Boltinoff .
Henry Boltinoff died April 26 , 2001 .
He had been a cartoonist all his life , since about 1933 .
That ’ s 68 of his 87 years .
He was one of the last of a vanishing breed — the cartoonists who began working in the 1930s and worked in every venue of cartooning , magazines and comic books and newspaper comic strips .
And his signature was one of the best-known in the business .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but it was still a very visible signature .
Clearly printed .
You saw it everywhere .
I met Henry Boltinoff on February 14 , 1998 .
I was down in Boca Raton , visiting the International Museum of Cartoon Art ( since closed ) to assemble original art for an exhibit at the Frye Art Museum in Seattle , Washington .
And while I was in the neighborhood , I thought I ’ d call on various cartoonists who lived in the vicinity .
I asked Jud Hurd , editor/publisher of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , who he ’ d like a story on ; and he suggested Henry .
So I went to his place at Lake Worth , a snug little townhouse in English Court .
He lived alone , his wife having died in about 1992 .
They ’ d been living full-time in Florida only about four years at the time .
At first , they ’ d go to Florida for several months of the year , then return to the New York area .
But , Henry said , his wife put @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of packing and unpacking , she said , Let ’ s move to Florida .
So they did .
We talked for an hour or so and then went to lunch .
Driving with Henry was somewhat harrowing : he didn ’ t steer so much as he lunged , veering sharply — suddenly — off in whichever direction he chose .
But we didn ’ t run into anything .
Which proves that prayer works .
For about a decade , Henry Boltinoff was producing Stoker the Broker , a newspaper panel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then McNaught ) ; full-page and half-page comic strip fillers for National Periodicals comic books ( now DC Comics ) ; and panel cartoons for magazines like Saturday Evening Post , Look , Collier ’ s , Ladies Home Journal , and the like .
You saw his signature in all those places .
Henry stacked on Boltinoff .
With a neatly placed underscoring just under the middle of the last name .
And the drawings were just as meticulously rendered — tight drawings , judiciously placed black solids .
You saw the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which at the time didn ’ t usually print the names of the cartoonists or writers who produced their content .
But Boltinoff signed his work .
“ If I do a drawing and it appears in print , ” he said , “ I want my name on it.
” Now , in February 1998 when I visited Henry Boltinoff in his Florida hideaway , the signature is still as tidy as ever .
And so are the drawings .
He sits at an antique pedestal drawing table in one of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ windows on his right , drawing Hocus Focus , a daily panel for King Features .
“ It ’ s a little puzzle , ” he explained .
“ Two pictures .
The second picture has six different details from the first .
You ’ re supposed to find them .
Not a big thing .
I send it up every two weeks ; every two weeks , they send me a check .
If I sat down from nine to five to do a whole week ’ s work , I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and a half .
So I work at my own pace .
I usually work two hours here , two hours there .
I take a break .
I take it easy.
” He grinned .
“ I play tennis.
” Boltinoff has been doing Hocus Focus since about 1986 .
He started drawing for newspaper reproduction in 1933 .
He was nineteen and attending classes at the Art Students League in New York City .
His brother Murray was assistant drama editor at the New York America , and Henry did theatrical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paid by the column , $ 25 for a two-column picture , two a week .
When the paper suddenly started asking for four-column pictures , Boltinoff ’ s salary doubled .
When the American folded in 1937 , Henry Boltinoff was out of work .
He turned to two high school classmates , George Wolfe and Ben Roth , both cartoonists , who were sharing a studio .
They advised him to start doing cartoons for magazines .
“ They said , Do a batch of roughs , about 10-15 a week @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll meet you on Wednesday and take you around , they said .
In those days , you could make a living doing magazine cartooning .
Today , I don ’ t know what you could do .
But Wednesday in New York was ‘ Look Day ’ then : cartoon editors looked at your submissions if you brought them in personally .
You could spend the whole day Wednesday , going from one magazine to another .
There were that many magazines .
The Saturday Evening Post was printed in Philadelphia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ every Tuesday night to see the cartoonists on Wednesday morning.
” Cartoonists went from office to office , sitting in waiting rooms , waiting ; then showing their wares to stone-faced cartoon editors .
“ One time , I was going around with George Wolfe , ” Boltinoff said , “ and we went in to see Gurney Williams at Collier ’ s .
I ’ d just become a father .
My first child .
A few days before .
So I said to Gurney Williams , I just became a father @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Congratulations .
And I handed over my roughs .
He looked through them .
Handed them back and said , Better luck next time .
George couldn ’ t believe it .
And he went in and said to Williams , Just to show you ’ re a nice guy , hold out one or two — you don ’ t have to take them .
The next week they can be rejected .
But you don ’ t slap a guy in the face like that when he just became a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Look Day .
If an editor liked one or more , he ’ d ask for a finished drawing .
Or he might “ hold ” a rough until the next week .
When the cartoonist returned the next Wednesday , the editor either returned the rough , rejected , or asked for finished artwork .
For lunch , all the cartoonists would gather at the Pen and Pencil , a former speak-easy on 45th Street near Third Avenue .
John Bruno had started the bistro during Prohibition , and when adult beverages @ @ @ @ @ @ @ applied for a restaurant license .
For the application form , he needed a name for the place .
He asked his patrons for advice .
Most of them were newspaper men and cartoonists .
Cartoonist Gil Fox told me that he suggested the name Pen and Pencil because that described the tools of the trade of those who frequented Bruno ’ s .
Every Wednesday the magazine cartoonists took a mid-day breather and a beaker or two over lunch at the Pen and Pencil .
Despite their being competitors — each one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the same magazines ( so if one cartoonist sold a cartoon at one place , the chances of another cartoonist selling there were reduced accordingly ) — they didn ’ t feel cut-throat about it , Boltinoff said .
In fact , one time when he had to be out of town on a Wednesday , he gave his batch to his friend George Wolfe , who took them around .
He ’ d show his batch first ; then Boltinoff ’ s batch .
I reminded Boltinoff that Charles Schulz had started @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought kindly of John Bailey , the cartoon editor at The Saturday Evening Post , for giving him advice about his work .
Henry Boltinoff remembered Schulz coming to the Pen and Pencil one Wednesday .
“ He didn ’ t remember this when I mentioned it some years ago , ” Boltinoff said , “ but he came in , and he wasn ’ t wearing a tie ; he had an open sport shirt on .
And the head waiter told him , You need a tie ; I ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those days , for people who didn ’ t come properly dressed , the head waiters kept a cotton jacket and an old tie in the office that they ’ d let you wear .
But George Wolfe said , Don ’ t bother .
And he took out a dollar bill , twisted it like a bow tie , and he put it on Schulz with a paper clip .
Schulz gave it back to him later .
Nowadays , ties aren ’ t that important.
” Once , Boltinoff told me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ another New York cartoonists hangout called the Palm , came over to the Pen and Pencil during one of the Wednesday gatherings and asked all the magazine cartoonists if they would meet the next Wednesday at the Palm over on Second Avenue , a block or so away .
The Palm ’ s walls had been decorated over the years by syndicated newspaper cartoonists ( Milton Caniff , George McManus , Jimmy Hatlo , Billy DeBeck , Fred Lasswell , and so on ) ; they drew their characters on the walls , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out of its merry murals .
The Palm had just opened a new upstairs room , and the walls were bare .
Mac Miller invited the magazine cartoonists to decorate the walls .
Just put up pencil sketches , he said ; he , Miller , would paint them afterwards .
And the Palm would stand them all to drinks that day and their lunches .
So the next week , they all went to the Palm .
They drank and ate .
They drank and ate well .
And they put pencil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ week , they were all back in the Pen and Pencil .
Then Mac Miller came in .
Very shame-faced .
“ I ’ m embarrassed , ” he said .
And he explained that the Palm had a new busboy , a kid who didn ’ t speak English well .
And when he came into the upstairs room that the cartoonists had lunched in , he saw the mess on the walls .
And he cleaned it all off .
So they all went back over the following Wednesday for another @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with its decorated walls is still there ; and , until a year or so ago , so was the Pen and Pencil .
But now it ’ s gone .
And so ’ s Costello ’ s , a favorite of Walt Kelly ’ s and James Thurber ’ s .
In making the rounds , the cartoonists started at the offices of the highest paying magazines and worked down the pay scale .
“ Look paid a lot , ” Boltinoff remembered .
“ I never went to The New Yorker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tea .
I never liked it .
I remember years ago in The New Yorker , there were great cartoonists .
Each one was a great artist himself .
Robert Day , Richard Decker , Richard Taylor , Peter Arno , George Price — everybody had a different style .
Good artwork .
And now the stuff — well , I don ’ t like it much now.
” Selling cartoons to magazines is a highly speculative undertaking , and when Henry Boltinoff got married in 1940 , he felt he needed a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he turned to comic books .
He went to National Periodical Publications because he knew the editor , Whitney Ellsworth .
“ Whit said , Do a couple filler pages — whatever you want , ” Boltinoff said .
“ In those days , comic books were 64 pages with no advertising .
So there was plenty of room for a filler .
Now the books are 32 pages and they take advertising .
I started doing some work for him .
I did it for almost thirty years.
” The fillers were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comic strips .
Anyone collecting comics from the 1940s through the 1950s is familiar with his pictures and his signature .
Boltinoff wrote them , drew them , and lettered them .
The strips were named after a host of protagonists : Jerry the Jitterbug , Varsity Vic , Cora the Car Hop , Peg , Ollie , Moolah the Mystic , Private Pete , Shorty , Tricksy , Dover and Clover , Homer , Casey the Cop , Bebe , and so on .
In the 1960s , he was also doing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was aimed at model builders and the like .
Boltinoff did several filler page strips a week , submitting roughs for approval first .
And he was able to pay his brother back for getting him the assignments at the American .
One day Ellsworth was grousing about his job , saying the work was getting too much ; he needed an assistant .
Boltinoff told him about his brother , who had been working for a public relations firm since the American folded .
“ I said , My brother ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him up .
And he went up there , and he got a job , and he stayed there over 50 years.
” But having a brother as an editor didn ’ t give Henry Boltinoff any advantage when it came to getting his filler page submissions approved .
“ It was tougher with him there , ” Boltinoff said .
“ They had other editors .
I got work from this editor , and from that editor .
The toughest guy was my brother : I always had to submit a rough @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into a comic book with my name on it , he wanted to make sure it was a really good gag .
He didn ’ t want people to say , Ahh , you print this crap because your brother did it .
So he was in a spot .
And , of course , so was I , ” he finished with a laugh .
One of Boltinoff ’ s filler pages reappeared in a 1990 book of reprints from DC called The Greatest 1950s Stories Ever Told .
His filler was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paid for this reprint , ” he told me .
“ I got more for the reprint than I did for the original artwork !
” He sometimes did whole stories for comic books .
“ They asked me if I ’ d like to write for some of the teenage titles — like A Date with Judy , ” he said .
“ I would figure out a theme , write a whole bunch of gags about it , and then piece them all together into a story .
I found one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that you never write scenes calling for very complicated drawings , ” he laughed .
While doing filler pages for National , Boltinoff continued doing gag cartoons for the magazines .
But both magazines and comic books began cutting back in the late 1950s .
In 1960 , Boltinoff was glad to undertake a project suggested to him by a small syndicate , Columbia Features .
This was Stoker the Broker , a daily gag panel about the business world , which would be marketed as a feature for newspapers ’ financial section @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attempted a couple of short-lived syndicated features before , but this one , as it turned out , lasted .
“ Once an editor told me he couldn ’ t see a cartoon in the financial section , ” Boltinoff said .
“ Business was too serious .
I told him the first editorial cartoon probably got the same reaction .
And now if you don ’ t see a cartoon , it ’ s not an editorial page.
” Stoker the Broker lasted thirty years .
It ’ s longevity is even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ doing it much .
“ What ’ s funny about the stock market ?
” he said .
“ I knew nothing about the stock market when I started it .
I learned , though .
But writing the gags was a pain.
” Then in 1970 , he was invited to replace George Crenshaw as the artist on Nubbin , a comic strip about a farm kid written by Jim Burnett .
By this time , the teenage comic books were gone , so Boltinoff welcomed the opportunity and continued producing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a track record on individual features that runs for decades , Boltinoff can ’ t understand Bill Watterson and Gary Larson , who quit their features after relatively short runs .
“ Temperamental guys , ” he said .
“ I don ’ t know what they were doing before they did strips , but a guy like me in the magazine business , for years , you go along , week to week , you don ’ t know whether you ’ ll get a rejection slip or an okay .
And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feature — you do what you want , and you get paid regularly every week , and they give it up .
It came too easy .
They don ’ t appreciate it .
“ They said they burned out , ” Boltinoff continued .
“ But if you ’ re overworked , you do what most cartoonists do — you hire somebody to help .
No one does it all by himself .
Milton Caniff had guys helping .
Frank Engli did the lettering .
The only guy who ’ s done @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
No assistants , he says ; I do it myself .
But his strip is easier to do than Milton Caniff ’ s .
That ’ s something to draw !
All those backgrounds .
But Charlie Schulz said , When I die , that ’ s the end of the strip .
But I say , if you die , why should you deprive your family of a nice income ?
United Feature can hire a guy to write it and someone else to draw it .
“ When Chic Young @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Dean , took over and writes it , ” he said .
“ Dean Young lives down here , around Tampa .
And they got Stan Drake to draw it .
Wonderful artist .
Used to do The Heart of Juliet Jones .
Wonderful .
And he started to do Blondie .
I spoke to Bill Yates , who was cartoon editor then up at King , and I said , How the hell does Stan Drake sit and draw like Chic Young after doing all that realistic stuff he did ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ likes to eat.
” Nowadays , the artist of record on Blondie is John Marshall ; but he doubtless has at least one unnamed assistant .
Dean Young acts as the strip ’ s manager : he sorts through ideas submitted by others and picks the ones Marshall is to draw .
Playing tennis three times a week , Henry Boltinoff is six months ahead on Hocus Focus .
“ I showed my daughter where the finished drawings are , ” he said , smiling , “ up there , on that shelf @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to me , she can send the stuff in , and she ’ ll have six months of money coming in .
It ’ s like an extra life insurance policy.
” As of April 2001 , regretfully , she began cashing in on that insurance policy .

His iconic signature could be found in magazines, comic books and comic strips. Funnies Farrago on Henry Boltinoff.
Henry Boltinoff died April 26, 2001. He had been a cartoonist all his life, since about 1933. That’s 68 of his 87 years. He was one of the last of a vanishing breed — the cartoonists who began working in the 1930s and worked in every venue of cartooning, magazines and comic books and newspaper comic strips. And his signature was one of the best-known in the business.
He didn’t sign his name big, but it was still a very visible signature. Clearly printed. You saw it everywhere.
I met Henry Boltinoff on February 14, 1998. I was down in Boca Raton, visiting the International Museum of Cartoon Art (since closed) to assemble original art for an exhibit at the Frye Art Museum in Seattle, Washington. And while I was in the neighborhood, I thought I’d call on various cartoonists who lived in the vicinity. I asked Jud Hurd, editor/publisher of Cartoonist PROfiles, who was around there, who he’d like a story on; and he suggested Henry.
So I went to his place at Lake Worth, a snug little townhouse in English Court. He lived alone, his wife having died in about 1992. They’d been living full-time in Florida only about four years at the time. At first, they’d go to Florida for several months of the year, then return to the New York area. But, Henry said, his wife put her foot down at last. Tired of packing and unpacking, she said, Let’s move to Florida. So they did.
We talked for an hour or so and then went to lunch. Driving with Henry was somewhat harrowing: he didn’t steer so much as he lunged, veering sharply — suddenly — off in whichever direction he chose. But we didn’t run into anything. Which proves that prayer works.
For about a decade, Henry Boltinoff was producing Stoker the Broker, a newspaper panel syndicated by Washington Star Syndicate (and then McNaught); full-page and half-page comic strip fillers for National Periodicals comic books (now DC Comics); and panel cartoons for magazines like Saturday Evening Post, Look, Collier’s, Ladies Home Journal, and the like.
You saw his signature in all those places. Henry stacked on Boltinoff. With a neatly placed underscoring just under the middle of the last name. And the drawings were just as meticulously rendered — tight drawings, judiciously placed black solids.
You saw the signature even in the comic books, which at the time didn’t usually print the names of the cartoonists or writers who produced their content. But Boltinoff signed his work. “If I do a drawing and it appears in print,” he said, “I want my name on it.”
Now, in February 1998 when I visited Henry Boltinoff in his Florida hideaway, the signature is still as tidy as ever. And so are the drawings. He sits at an antique pedestal drawing table in one of the two bedrooms of his apartment with the windows on his right, drawing Hocus Focus, a daily panel for King Features.
“It’s a little puzzle,” he explained. “Two pictures. The second picture has six different details from the first. You’re supposed to find them. Not a big thing. I send it up every two weeks; every two weeks, they send me a check. If I sat down from nine to five to do a whole week’s work, I’d do it all in a day and a half. So I work at my own pace. I usually work two hours here, two hours there. I take a break. I take it easy.” He grinned. “I play tennis.”
Boltinoff has been doing Hocus Focus since about 1986. He started drawing for newspaper reproduction in 1933. He was nineteen and attending classes at the Art Students League in New York City. His brother Murray was assistant drama editor at the New York America, and Henry did theatrical portraits for the paper. He was paid by the column, $25 for a two-column picture, two a week. When the paper suddenly started asking for four-column pictures, Boltinoff’s salary doubled.
When the American folded in 1937, Henry Boltinoff was out of work. He turned to two high school classmates, George Wolfe and Ben Roth, both cartoonists, who were sharing a studio. They advised him to start doing cartoons for magazines.
“They said, Do a batch of roughs, about 10-15 a week,” Boltinoff recalled. “We’ll meet you on Wednesday and take you around, they said. In those days, you could make a living doing magazine cartooning. Today, I don’t know what you could do. But Wednesday in New York was ‘Look Day’ then: cartoon editors looked at your submissions if you brought them in personally. You could spend the whole day Wednesday, going from one magazine to another. There were that many magazines. The Saturday Evening Post was printed in Philadelphia, but the cartoon editor came in every Tuesday night to see the cartoonists on Wednesday morning.”
Cartoonists went from office to office, sitting in waiting rooms, waiting; then showing their wares to stone-faced cartoon editors.
“One time, I was going around with George Wolfe,” Boltinoff said, “and we went in to see Gurney Williams at Collier’s. I’d just become a father. My first child. A few days before. So I said to Gurney Williams, I just became a father — congratulate me. And he said, Congratulations. And I handed over my roughs. He looked through them. Handed them back and said, Better luck next time. George couldn’t believe it. And he went in and said to Williams, Just to show you’re a nice guy, hold out one or two — you don’t have to take them. The next week they can be rejected. But you don’t slap a guy in the face like that when he just became a father.”
Most cartoonists submitted roughs on Look Day. If an editor liked one or more, he’d ask for a finished drawing. Or he might “hold” a rough until the next week. When the cartoonist returned the next Wednesday, the editor either returned the rough, rejected, or asked for finished artwork.
For lunch, all the cartoonists would gather at the Pen and Pencil, a former speak-easy on 45th Street near Third Avenue. John Bruno had started the bistro during Prohibition, and when adult beverages became legal again in 1933, he applied for a restaurant license. For the application form, he needed a name for the place. He asked his patrons for advice. Most of them were newspaper men and cartoonists. Cartoonist Gil Fox told me that he suggested the name Pen and Pencil because that described the tools of the trade of those who frequented Bruno’s.
Every Wednesday the magazine cartoonists took a mid-day breather and a beaker or two over lunch at the Pen and Pencil. Despite their being competitors — each one visiting and trying to sell cartoons at the same magazines (so if one cartoonist sold a cartoon at one place, the chances of another cartoonist selling there were reduced accordingly) — they didn’t feel cut-throat about it, Boltinoff said. In fact, one time when he had to be out of town on a Wednesday, he gave his batch to his friend George Wolfe, who took them around. He’d show his batch first; then Boltinoff’s batch.
I reminded Boltinoff that Charles Schulz had started by doing magazine cartoons. Schulz always thought kindly of John Bailey, the cartoon editor at The Saturday Evening Post, for giving him advice about his work.
Henry Boltinoff remembered Schulz coming to the Pen and Pencil one Wednesday. “He didn’t remember this when I mentioned it some years ago,” Boltinoff said, “but he came in, and he wasn’t wearing a tie; he had an open sport shirt on. And the head waiter told him, You need a tie; I’ll get one in the office. In those days, for people who didn’t come properly dressed, the head waiters kept a cotton jacket and an old tie in the office that they’d let you wear. But George Wolfe said, Don’t bother. And he took out a dollar bill, twisted it like a bow tie, and he put it on Schulz with a paper clip. Schulz gave it back to him later. Nowadays, ties aren’t that important.”
Once, Boltinoff told me, McGowan Miller, an habitué of another New York cartoonists hangout called the Palm, came over to the Pen and Pencil during one of the Wednesday gatherings and asked all the magazine cartoonists if they would meet the next Wednesday at the Palm over on Second Avenue, a block or so away.
The Palm’s walls had been decorated over the years by syndicated newspaper cartoonists (Milton Caniff, George McManus, Jimmy Hatlo, Billy DeBeck, Fred Lasswell, and so on); they drew their characters on the walls, and the restaurant made quite a production out of its merry murals.
The Palm had just opened a new upstairs room, and the walls were bare. Mac Miller invited the magazine cartoonists to decorate the walls. Just put up pencil sketches, he said; he, Miller, would paint them afterwards. And the Palm would stand them all to drinks that day and their lunches.
So the next week, they all went to the Palm. They drank and ate. They drank and ate well. And they put pencil sketches on the walls.
The following week, they were all back in the Pen and Pencil. Then Mac Miller came in. Very shame-faced. “I’m embarrassed,” he said. And he explained that the Palm had a new busboy, a kid who didn’t speak English well. And when he came into the upstairs room that the cartoonists had lunched in, he saw the mess on the walls. And he cleaned it all off.
So they all went back over the following Wednesday for another free lunch and drinks.
The Palm with its decorated walls is still there; and, until a year or so ago, so was the Pen and Pencil. But now it’s gone. And so’s Costello’s, a favorite of Walt Kelly’s and James Thurber’s.
In making the rounds, the cartoonists started at the offices of the highest paying magazines and worked down the pay scale.
“Look paid a lot,” Boltinoff remembered. “I never went to The New Yorker. It was never my cup of tea. I never liked it. I remember years ago in The New Yorker, there were great cartoonists. Each one was a great artist himself. Robert Day, Richard Decker, Richard Taylor, Peter Arno, George Price — everybody had a different style. Good artwork. And now the stuff — well, I don’t like it much now.”
Selling cartoons to magazines is a highly speculative undertaking, and when Henry Boltinoff got married in 1940, he felt he needed a more regular source of income, so he turned to comic books. He went to National Periodical Publications because he knew the editor, Whitney Ellsworth.
“Whit said, Do a couple filler pages — whatever you want,” Boltinoff said. “In those days, comic books were 64 pages with no advertising. So there was plenty of room for a filler. Now the books are 32 pages and they take advertising. I started doing some work for him. I did it for almost thirty years.”
The fillers were half-page, full-page and occasionally 2-3 page comic strips. Anyone collecting comics from the 1940s through the 1950s is familiar with his pictures and his signature. Boltinoff wrote them, drew them, and lettered them. The strips were named after a host of protagonists: Jerry the Jitterbug, Varsity Vic, Cora the Car Hop, Peg, Ollie, Moolah the Mystic, Private Pete, Shorty, Tricksy, Dover and Clover, Homer, Casey the Cop, Bebe, and so on. In the 1960s, he was also doing Cap’s Hobby Hints, which was aimed at model builders and the like.
Boltinoff did several filler page strips a week, submitting roughs for approval first. And he was able to pay his brother back for getting him the assignments at the American.
One day Ellsworth was grousing about his job, saying the work was getting too much; he needed an assistant. Boltinoff told him about his brother, who had been working for a public relations firm since the American folded.
“I said, My brother’s a writer; I’ll send him up. And he went up there, and he got a job, and he stayed there over 50 years.”
But having a brother as an editor didn’t give Henry Boltinoff any advantage when it came to getting his filler page submissions approved.
“It was tougher with him there,” Boltinoff said. “They had other editors. I got work from this editor, and from that editor. The toughest guy was my brother: I always had to submit a rough for approval. When he put something into a comic book with my name on it, he wanted to make sure it was a really good gag. He didn’t want people to say, Ahh, you print this crap because your brother did it. So he was in a spot. And, of course, so was I,” he finished with a laugh.
One of Boltinoff’s filler pages reappeared in a 1990 book of reprints from DC called The Greatest 1950s Stories Ever Told. His filler was Casey the Cop. “I got paid for this reprint,” he told me. “I got more for the reprint than I did for the original artwork!”
He sometimes did whole stories for comic books. “They asked me if I’d like to write for some of the teenage titles — like A Date with Judy,” he said. “I would figure out a theme, write a whole bunch of gags about it, and then piece them all together into a story. I found one advantage in writing your own stuff is that you never write scenes calling for very complicated drawings,” he laughed.
While doing filler pages for National, Boltinoff continued doing gag cartoons for the magazines. But both magazines and comic books began cutting back in the late 1950s. In 1960, Boltinoff was glad to undertake a project suggested to him by a small syndicate, Columbia Features. This was Stoker the Broker, a daily gag panel about the business world, which would be marketed as a feature for newspapers’ financial section or stock report page. Boltinoff had attempted a couple of short-lived syndicated features before, but this one, as it turned out, lasted.
“Once an editor told me he couldn’t see a cartoon in the financial section,” Boltinoff said. “Business was too serious. I told him the first editorial cartoon probably got the same reaction. And now if you don’t see a cartoon, it’s not an editorial page.”
Stoker the Broker lasted thirty years. It’s longevity is even more remarkable considering that Boltinoff never liked doing it much.
“What’s funny about the stock market?” he said. “I knew nothing about the stock market when I started it. I learned, though. But writing the gags was a pain.”
Then in 1970, he was invited to replace George Crenshaw as the artist on Nubbin, a comic strip about a farm kid written by Jim Burnett. By this time, the teenage comic books were gone, so Boltinoff welcomed the opportunity and continued producing the strip for almost twenty years.
With a track record on individual features that runs for decades, Boltinoff can’t understand Bill Watterson and Gary Larson, who quit their features after relatively short runs.
“Temperamental guys,” he said. “I don’t know what they were doing before they did strips, but a guy like me in the magazine business, for years, you go along, week to week, you don’t know whether you’ll get a rejection slip or an okay. And here’s somebody has a syndicated feature — you do what you want, and you get paid regularly every week, and they give it up. It came too easy. They don’t appreciate it.
“They said they burned out,” Boltinoff continued. “But if you’re overworked, you do what most cartoonists do — you hire somebody to help. No one does it all by himself. Milton Caniff had guys helping. Frank Engli did the lettering. The only guy who’s done his own by himself is Charlie Schulz. No assistants, he says; I do it myself. But his strip is easier to do than Milton Caniff’s. That’s something to draw! All those backgrounds. But Charlie Schulz said, When I die, that’s the end of the strip. But I say, if you die, why should you deprive your family of a nice income? United Feature can hire a guy to write it and someone else to draw it.
“When Chic Young who did Blondie died, his son, Dean, took over and writes it,” he said. “Dean Young lives down here, around Tampa. And they got Stan Drake to draw it. Wonderful artist. Used to do The Heart of Juliet Jones. Wonderful. And he started to do Blondie. I spoke to Bill Yates, who was cartoon editor then up at King, and I said, How the hell does Stan Drake sit and draw like Chic Young after doing all that realistic stuff he did? So Bill says, I guess he likes to eat.”
Nowadays, the artist of record on Blondie is John Marshall; but he doubtless has at least one unnamed assistant. Dean Young acts as the strip’s manager: he sorts through ideas submitted by others and picks the ones Marshall is to draw.
Playing tennis three times a week, Henry Boltinoff is six months ahead on Hocus Focus.
“I showed my daughter where the finished drawings are,” he said, smiling, “up there, on that shelf in the closet. If something happens to me, she can send the stuff in, and she’ll have six months of money coming in. It’s like an extra life insurance policy.”
As of April 2001, regretfully, she began cashing in on that insurance policy.


humortimes--2020-06-04--Trump Makes Contingency Plans in Case He Loses the Election

An undisclosed source close to President Trump has given an anonymous telephone interview and mailed supportive documents to this reporter regarding the Trump ’ s contingency plans in case he loses the 2020 Presidential election .
Plan A involves counting on his supporters to fill the streets , AK47s in hand , in response to his declaration of a fraudulent election .
With his supporters surrounding the courthouse , the Supreme Court will be asked to determine the true outcome of the election .
He believes it is unlikely that the Right leaning court would uphold the election results .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Trump plans to extend his time in office by Executive Order while a plan to insure an “ honest ” election is set in place .
If there is any vocal dissent or demonstration against his Executive Order , he will declare national martial law and , as Commander-in Chief , will enlist the armed forces to implement his order .
Plan A is , in fact , a stalling technique as Trump has prepared an escape plan since the demise of Jeffrey Epstein .
Upon Epstein ’ s death , Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Epstein ’ s private island .
Fearful that if Democrats were in power and he no longer had the protection of the presidency , that he would be prosecuted for the series of crimes documented in the Muller Report and other intelligence reports , Trump has been preparing the island as a refuge from justice .
Besides redecorating it in as much gold and gilding as possible , he has started construction on making the island a formidable fortress .
A wall is being constructed around the perimeter of the island .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ implement one of his favorite ideas that was nixed in reference to wall with Mexico .
He will build a moat behind the wall filled with alligators and pythons .
He has a crew already selecting specimens from the Everglades .
The wall will have multiple gun towers to make sure that law enforcement personnel can not come onto the island .
Worried that the Democrats might drop paratroopers to capture him , he is also mounting several antiaircraft guns at various places on the wall .
He is also refurbishing an old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to his yacht in international waters when he wishes to travel to “ safe ” destinations , such as the elaborate mansion the Saudi Prince is prepared to gift him and the estate Putin has planned to offer him when he is named an honorary Russian oligarch .
It is now clear why Hope Hicks has returned to the White House .
She has been busy interviewing young women who will be staffing the island .
Trump appears to have learned from Jeffrey Epstein that this is best left to a female confidant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ B and has indicated that she will not be joining Trump on the island , because she must stay behind to make sure that Baron completes his education , preferably through college and graduate school .
Her staff has noticed that her rare smile had become more frequent until someone reminded her husband may , in fact , win the election .
Despite her large monthly allowance , the staff have also noticed that she has made few purchases , including additions to her designer wardrobe .
Her staff was initially concerned that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they heard that a woman with an accent had anonymously been making large cash donations to the Biden campaign .

Trump’s contingency plans reportedly include escaping to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island.
An undisclosed source close to President Trump has given an anonymous telephone interview and mailed supportive documents to this reporter regarding the Trump’s contingency plans in case he loses the 2020 Presidential election.
Plan A involves counting on his supporters to fill the streets, AK47s in hand, in response to his declaration of a fraudulent election. With his supporters surrounding the courthouse, the Supreme Court will be asked to determine the true outcome of the election. He believes it is unlikely that the Right leaning court would uphold the election results.
If the results are called into question, Trump plans to extend his time in office by Executive Order while a plan to insure an “honest” election is set in place. If there is any vocal dissent or demonstration against his Executive Order, he will declare national martial law and, as Commander-in Chief, will enlist the armed forces to implement his order.
Plan A is, in fact, a stalling technique as Trump has prepared an escape plan since the demise of Jeffrey Epstein. Upon Epstein’s death, Trump, under an assumed name, purchased Epstein’s private island. Fearful that if Democrats were in power and he no longer had the protection of the presidency, that he would be prosecuted for the series of crimes documented in the Muller Report and other intelligence reports, Trump has been preparing the island as a refuge from justice.
Besides redecorating it in as much gold and gilding as possible, he has started construction on making the island a formidable fortress. A wall is being constructed around the perimeter of the island. He is thrilled, because now he can implement one of his favorite ideas that was nixed in reference to wall with Mexico. He will build a moat behind the wall filled with alligators and pythons. He has a crew already selecting specimens from the Everglades.
The wall will have multiple gun towers to make sure that law enforcement personnel cannot come onto the island. Worried that the Democrats might drop paratroopers to capture him, he is also mounting several antiaircraft guns at various places on the wall. He is also refurbishing an old battleship he purchased which will ferry him to his yacht in international waters when he wishes to travel to “safe” destinations, such as the elaborate mansion the Saudi Prince is prepared to gift him and the estate Putin has planned to offer him when he is named an honorary Russian oligarch.
It is now clear why Hope Hicks has returned to the White House. She has been busy interviewing young women who will be staffing the island. Trump appears to have learned from Jeffrey Epstein that this is best left to a female confidant.
Melania has been informed about Plan B and has indicated that she will not be joining Trump on the island, because she must stay behind to make sure that Baron completes his education, preferably through college and graduate school. Her staff has noticed that her rare smile had become more frequent until someone reminded her husband may, in fact, win the election. Despite her large monthly allowance, the staff have also noticed that she has made few purchases, including additions to her designer wardrobe. Her staff was initially concerned that this was a sign of depression until they heard that a woman with an accent had anonymously been making large cash donations to the Biden campaign.