humortimes--2020-12-23--Santa Claus Named in Antitrust Lawsuit Filed by Ken Paxton

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Santa , charging him with operating a monopoly .
Santa Claus was targeted this week in an antitrust lawsuit that was filed by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton that accuses Santa , aka , Kris Kringle , aka Saint Nicolas , aka Father Christmas with running a monopoly which brazenly abused its monopolistic power in an effort to drive other toy enterprises out of business .
A spokes-elf addressed the allegations saying that , although Kringle has delivered many Monopoly board games , he strongly denies that his organization @ @ @ @ @ @ @ operates in a highly competitive toy market .
President Trump weighed in , saying that the North Pole uses low wage elf labor , which has caused the U. S. to lose thousands of high paying toy manufacturing jobs .
“ Santa Claus has been eating our lunch and it has to stop , ” Trump declared .
When asked by a reporter to respond to the president ’ s accusation , Santa laughed , which caused his belly to shake like a bowl full of jelly and said that the only thing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lots and lots of cookies .
Trump went on to say that next week he will be imposing tariffs on all toys coming into the United States from the North Pole and that China would pay for the tariffs .
It is widely believed that Trump ’ s issue with Mr. Kringle began last week when it was disclosed in the failing New York Times that Mr. Trump was again on Saint Nicolas ’ Naughty List while President-Elect Joe Biden was on the Nice List .
Trump fumed that , “ The lists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the Nice List as no one is nicer than me .
I have been BEST all year while Biden should be on the naughty list as he stole the election.
” The president also exclaimed that Hunter Biden should be permanently assigned to the Naughty List .
Officials close to the president said that Trump was planning to issue Naughty List pardons to several of his political allies whom he assumed were also on the bad list including , Roger Stone , Rudy Giuliani , Stephen Miller and even Ken Paxton himself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they didn ’ t believe the president had the power to issue such pardons .
And they were certain that such a pardon wouldn ’ t apply to Stephen Miller as his name didn ’ t appear on either list since he is Jewish .
When asked to comment on the president ’ s planned pardons Father Christmas said , “ Ho , Ho , Ho , I don ’ t think so.
” In an unrelated lawsuit filed in the Southern District of New York , Mr. Kringle was accused of being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ laws for stalking millions of Americans this year .
Stalking is the crime of illegally following and watching someone over time , and it applies even if the actions were taken to determine if the person ( or persons ) had been naughty or nice and deserving of toys or a lump of coal .
Prosecutors believed that they had a strong case against Mr. Claus as they were in possession of e-mails in which Kringle stated that he “ sees them when they are sleeping , he knows when they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve been bad or good.
” They maintain that these e-mails clearly show that Mr. Claus or his minions , some of whom allegedly sat on the victims ’ shelves , were guilty of invasion of privacy .
Santa had no immediate comment on the allegations .
It was also announced yesterday that the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals ( ASPCA ) has filed an injunction to prevent Santa ’ s reindeer from flying his sleigh on Christmas Eve .
They are claiming that it is cruel to require @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over the world given Santa ’ s obesity and the fact that he will be carrying a sack of toys and coal that is reported to weigh sixty tons on takeoff .
The injunction also noted that Rudolph , the one with the red nose , is now 81 years old and too elderly to make the trip anymore .
And finally , it seems that Father Christmas has run afoul of the Federal Aviation Administration ( FAA ) .
A spokesperson for the FAA , who agreed to speak on the condition @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Christmas Eve flight is expected to be approximately eighteen hours long but FAA rules clearly state that no crew member , whether human or reindeer , may fly more than eight hours between required rest periods .
Therefore , Santa ’ s trip will no longer be allowed to be completed in one night .
To make matters worse , the FAA spokesperson also announced that the agency has opened an investigation into Rudolph after it was reported that NORAD , which tracks Santa ’ s route every year , noted the sleigh @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Rudolph , who guided the sleigh then as he often does on foggy nights , has a very shiny red nose that was said to glow leading some within the FAA to suspect that he may have a drinking problem .
Santa has declared that his lawyers , led by elf-Rudy and elf-Sidney , will strongly defend the North Pole against these baseless accusations by Ken Paxton .
A flustered Father Christmas went on to say , “ I don ’ t want a lot for Christmas .
There is just one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ these issues dropped more than you could ever know .
So , to the prosecutors and investigators , I say , please make my wish come true.
” We ’ ll see what happens .
Happy Holidays .
Stay safe and for God ’ s sake stay on the Nice List !

Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has filed an antitrust lawsuit against Santa, charging him with operating a monopoly.
Santa Claus was targeted this week in an antitrust lawsuit that was filed by Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton that accuses Santa, aka, Kris Kringle, aka Saint Nicolas, aka Father Christmas with running a monopoly which brazenly abused its monopolistic power in an effort to drive other toy enterprises out of business.
A spokes-elf addressed the allegations saying that, although Kringle has delivered many Monopoly board games, he strongly denies that his organization engages in anti-competitive behavior and that it operates in a highly competitive toy market.
President Trump weighed in, saying that the North Pole uses low wage elf labor, which has caused the U. S. to lose thousands of high paying toy manufacturing jobs. “Santa Claus has been eating our lunch and it has to stop,” Trump declared. When asked by a reporter to respond to the president’s accusation, Santa laughed, which caused his belly to shake like a bowl full of jelly and said that the only thing he had been eating is cookies, lots and lots of cookies.
Trump went on to say that next week he will be imposing tariffs on all toys coming into the United States from the North Pole and that China would pay for the tariffs.
It is widely believed that Trump’s issue with Mr. Kringle began last week when it was disclosed in the failing New York Times that Mr. Trump was again on Saint Nicolas’ Naughty List while President-Elect Joe Biden was on the Nice List. Trump fumed that, “The lists were rigged, I should have been on the Nice List as no one is nicer than me. I have been BEST all year while Biden should be on the naughty list as he stole the election.” The president also exclaimed that Hunter Biden should be permanently assigned to the Naughty List.
Officials close to the president said that Trump was planning to issue Naughty List pardons to several of his political allies whom he assumed were also on the bad list including, Roger Stone, Rudy Giuliani, Stephen Miller and even Ken Paxton himself. However, Christmas scholars indicated that they didn’t believe the president had the power to issue such pardons. And they were certain that such a pardon wouldn’t apply to Stephen Miller as his name didn’t appear on either list since he is Jewish.
When asked to comment on the president’s planned pardons Father Christmas said, “Ho, Ho, Ho, I don’t think so.”
In an unrelated lawsuit filed in the Southern District of New York, Mr. Kringle was accused of being in violation of State and Federal Anti-Stalking laws for stalking millions of Americans this year. Stalking is the crime of illegally following and watching someone over time, and it applies even if the actions were taken to determine if the person (or persons) had been naughty or nice and deserving of toys or a lump of coal.
Prosecutors believed that they had a strong case against Mr. Claus as they were in possession of e-mails in which Kringle stated that he “sees them when they are sleeping, he knows when they’re awake and he knows if they’ve been bad or good.” They maintain that these e-mails clearly show that Mr. Claus or his minions, some of whom allegedly sat on the victims’ shelves, were guilty of invasion of privacy. Santa had no immediate comment on the allegations.
It was also announced yesterday that the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals (ASPCA) has filed an injunction to prevent Santa’s reindeer from flying his sleigh on Christmas Eve.
They are claiming that it is cruel to require these animals to pull his sleigh all over the world given Santa’s obesity and the fact that he will be carrying a sack of toys and coal that is reported to weigh sixty tons on takeoff. The injunction also noted that Rudolph, the one with the red nose, is now 81 years old and too elderly to make the trip anymore.
And finally, it seems that Father Christmas has run afoul of the Federal Aviation Administration (FAA). A spokesperson for the FAA, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, said Santa’s Christmas Eve flight is expected to be approximately eighteen hours long but FAA rules clearly state that no crew member, whether human or reindeer, may fly more than eight hours between required rest periods. Therefore, Santa’s trip will no longer be allowed to be completed in one night.
To make matters worse, the FAA spokesperson also announced that the agency has opened an investigation into Rudolph after it was reported that NORAD, which tracks Santa’s route every year, noted the sleigh’s erratic flight pattern last year. Rudolph, who guided the sleigh then as he often does on foggy nights, has a very shiny red nose that was said to glow leading some within the FAA to suspect that he may have a drinking problem.
Santa has declared that his lawyers, led by elf-Rudy and elf-Sidney, will strongly defend the North Pole against these baseless accusations by Ken Paxton. A flustered Father Christmas went on to say, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas. There is just one thing I need. I just need these issues dropped more than you could ever know. So, to the prosecutors and investigators, I say, please make my wish come true.”
We’ll see what happens.
Happy Holidays. Stay safe and for God’s sake stay on the Nice List!


humortimes--2020-12-23--All I Want for Christmas

All I Want for Christmas

If I were a better person then I ’ d probably ask for world peace for Christmas .
If I were a better person then I ’ d probably ask for world peace or at least an effective COVID-19 vaccine for everyone for Christmas .
But I ’ m not and that ’ s why my seasonal wish list instead includes lots of Trump-related items .
First of all , I ’ d like to prematurely thank Santa for already bringing me my biggest and best present : a Trump loss in this year ’ s presidential election .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ landslide and a few more Democratic Senate wins but I ’ ll take what I can get .
Speaking of elections , I ’ m hoping the big guy can bring me two special post-Christmas packages , namely wins in both Senate seat runoffs in Georgia .
And if that ’ s not possible , maybe he can dole out a prison sentence for one or more of the Republican rogues ’ gallery of Mitch McConnell , Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz .
Also on the election front , I thank Santa for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s winning margin by 87 and cost the Trump campaign $ 3 million .
I sure wouldn ’ t mind if election officials in other battleground states located hundreds of bags of missing votes primarily favoring Biden .
My next favorite item is a Trump perp walk .
I know it might take a while but I ’ m prepared to wait for whatever legal steps are required to see The Donald frogmarched out of his Mar-a-Lago property and into the nearest penal institution .
It may sound a little greedy but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the whole Trump crime family charged and convicted .
That means everyone from Don , Jr. to Eric to Ivanka to Jared would leave the White House and take up residence in the big house .
If Trump is convicted of one or more offenses , I ’ d love to see him sent to jail .
But if that ’ s not likely , I ’ m asking for a more traditional American punishment such as meted out in Nathaniel Hawthorne ’ s novel The Scarlet Letter .
Rather than a scarlet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I ’ d like to see Trump wear a scarlet “ L ” for loser .
Speaking of creative sanctions , maybe some ingenious judge could impose a truly painful punishment on the ex-President .
For example , Trump could be sentenced to repeat listenings of Barack Obama ’ s audiobook A Promised Land .
Or he might have his cable television viewing restricted to MSNBC .
I suspect I ’ m not alone in the next item on my Christmas wish list : canceling Donald Trump ’ s Twitter account .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ would be even more effective than the public humiliation of stocks and pillory although , come to think of it , that would be nice , too .
If Santa has time , I ’ d also like to get a few stocking stuffers .
Nothing big mind you but sometimes the smaller gifts are the most satisfying .
I ’ m thinking of Trump ’ s tax returns being released , maybe a few defaults on his huge outstanding loans or possibly Melania filing for divorce .
Finally , here ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to bankrupting Donald Trump ’ s many golf courses .
And while he ’ s at it , maybe he could get the United States Golf Association to rescind Trump ’ s phoney 2.8 handicap and instead award him their prestigious Cheater of the Century award .

If I were a better person then I’d probably ask for world peace for Christmas.
If I were a better person then I’d probably ask for world peace or at least an effective COVID-19 vaccine for everyone for Christmas. But I’m not and that’s why my seasonal wish list instead includes lots of Trump-related items.
First of all, I’d like to prematurely thank Santa for already bringing me my biggest and best present: a Trump loss in this year’s presidential election. I wouldn’t have minded an out-and-out landslide and a few more Democratic Senate wins but I’ll take what I can get.
Speaking of elections, I’m hoping the big guy can bring me two special post-Christmas packages, namely wins in both Senate seat runoffs in Georgia. And if that’s not possible, maybe he can dole out a prison sentence for one or more of the Republican rogues’ gallery of Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham and Ted Cruz.
Also on the election front, I thank Santa for the Wisconsin recount which upped Joe Biden’s winning margin by 87 and cost the Trump campaign $3 million. I sure wouldn’t mind if election officials in other battleground states located hundreds of bags of missing votes primarily favoring Biden.
My next favorite item is a Trump perp walk. I know it might take a while but I’m prepared to wait for whatever legal steps are required to see The Donald frogmarched out of his Mar-a-Lago property and into the nearest penal institution.
It may sound a little greedy but I’d really like to see the whole Trump crime family charged and convicted. That means everyone from Don, Jr. to Eric to Ivanka to Jared would leave the White House and take up residence in the big house.
If Trump is convicted of one or more offenses, I’d love to see him sent to jail. But if that’s not likely, I’m asking for a more traditional American punishment such as meted out in Nathaniel Hawthorne’s novel The Scarlet Letter. Rather than a scarlet “A” for adultery, however, I’d like to see Trump wear a scarlet “L” for loser.
Speaking of creative sanctions, maybe some ingenious judge could impose a truly painful punishment on the ex-President. For example, Trump could be sentenced to repeat listenings of Barack Obama’s audiobook A Promised Land. Or he might have his cable television viewing restricted to MSNBC.
I suspect I’m not alone in the next item on my Christmas wish list: canceling Donald Trump’s Twitter account. Depriving The Donald of his hourly tweets would be even more effective than the public humiliation of stocks and pillory although, come to think of it, that would be nice, too.
If Santa has time, I’d also like to get a few stocking stuffers. Nothing big mind you but sometimes the smaller gifts are the most satisfying. I’m thinking of Trump’s tax returns being released, maybe a few defaults on his huge outstanding loans or possibly Melania filing for divorce.
Finally, here’s hoping Santa can see his way clear to bankrupting Donald Trump’s many golf courses. And while he’s at it, maybe he could get the United States Golf Association to rescind Trump’s phoney 2.8 handicap and instead award him their prestigious Cheater of the Century award.


humortimes--2020-12-23--How You Can Tell You’re Depressed During COVID: Top 10

Come back here !
Here ’ s your 10 chances to laugh during COVID , and then you ’ re on your own !
Here ’ s my Top 10 clues to tell if you ’ re depressed during COVID — I ’ m no doctor but you already knew that , didn ’ t you !
If I can help just one person…that ’ s not enough !
ha ha .
10 .
YOU ’ VE BEEN READING TOO MANY TOP 10 ’ s !
8 .
YOU ’ RE EATING FOR 2 or 3 & TRIPLETS DON ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
YOU INTRODUCE YOUR HUSBAND AS ‘ JACK DANIELS ’ !
5 .
YOUR ‘ INVISIBLE FRIEND ’ SIGNED YOU UP FOR A PORN SITE !
But enough about me !
ha ha 4 .
YOU CRY WHEN YOU CAN ’ T FIND LAMB CHOPS WITH PANTIES AT SAFEWAY !
3 .
YOUR FORTUNE TELLER SAID , ‘ YOU ’ RE NOT ONLY NOT GOING TO TRAVEL – YOUR CHANCES OF SEEING PANTIES AGAIN IS A LONG SHOT ’ !
…WEAR MY BLACK MASK or MY WHITE ONE ?
…WRITE ‘ THE GREAT @ @ @ @ @ @ @ TRASH ?
AND # 1 …How You Can Tell You ’ re Depressed & need to be watched…

Come back here! Here’s your 10 chances to laugh during COVID, and then you’re on your own!
Here’s my Top 10 clues to tell if you’re depressed during COVID — I’m no doctor but you already knew that, didn’t you!
If I can help just one person…that’s not enough! ha ha.
10. YOU’VE BEEN READING TOO MANY TOP 10’s!
9. SYMPTOMS STARTED IN 2016! Duh!
8. YOU’RE EATING FOR 2 or 3 & TRIPLETS DON’T RUN IN YOUR FAMILY!
7. YOU INTRODUCE YOUR HUSBAND AS ‘JACK DANIELS’!
6. YOU PLAY ‘SOLITAIRE’ FOR MONEY!
5. YOUR ‘INVISIBLE FRIEND’ SIGNED YOU UP FOR A PORN SITE!
But enough about me! ha ha
4. YOU CRY WHEN YOU CAN’T FIND LAMB CHOPS WITH PANTIES AT SAFEWAY!
3. YOUR FORTUNE TELLER SAID, ‘YOU’RE NOT ONLY NOT GOING TO TRAVEL – YOUR CHANCES OF SEEING PANTIES AGAIN IS A LONG SHOT’!
2. YOU CAN’T MAKE DECISIONS!
SHOULD I…EAT BOTH TWINKIES?
…WEAR MY BLACK MASK or MY WHITE ONE?
…WRITE ‘THE GREAT AMERICAN NOVEL’ or TAKE OUT THE TRASH?
AND #1 …How You Can Tell You’re Depressed & need to be watched…
YOU’VE BEEN GIVING AWAY PRIZED POSSESSIONS LIKE…
TOILET PAPER!


humortimes--2020-12-29--Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/29/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/29/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if it was the first Little Caesar ’ s .
If it came out today , it would be called ‘ CSI : Whoville.
’ Will Trump return to White House before Biden Inauguration , or , just stay at Mar A Lago ?
Let ’ s face it , it ’ s looking like Mar A Lago is Spanish for “ The Fat Lady ’ s Singing.
” Report : James Harden threw basketball at teammate as tensions rise in Houston Arnold Schwarzenegger says he “ never ” thought daughter Katherine would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ although he did end his wedding toast with “ Hasta la vista , to my baby !
” Dr. Ben Carson wants to start a think tank post Trump Presidency Well , after his last 4 years at HUD , he sure is well rested .
Miley Cyrus asked Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello to have a ‘ three way ’ Or , as it ’ s also known in the music biz “ A Nicki Minaj A Troi.
” Church of Scientology received at least $ 4 million in PPP loans Big @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Cruise jumped on and broke .
Although , 70 of those years took place between 2018 – 2020 !
… somewhere Pete Best just went “ ouch ” and didn ’ t know why .
GOP Sen. Ben Sasse says Trump pardons are “ rotten to the core ” Ben Sasse is the Jeff Flake of Susan Collinses .
How long does a weed high last ?
Cameron ’ s gone from ‘ Growing Pains ’ to being a growing pain .
A Russian officer is duped into telling Alexey Navalny how he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ giveaway was when the officer was caught bragging : “ I ’ ve seen London , I ’ ve seen France , I put poison in Navalny ’ s underpants !
”

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Archaeologists uncover ancient street food shop in Pompeii
… no word if it was the first Little Caesar’s.
‘How the Grinch Stole Christmas’ debuted 54 years ago
If it came out today, it would be called ‘CSI: Whoville.’
Will Trump return to White House before Biden Inauguration, or, just stay at Mar A Lago?
Let’s face it, it’s looking like Mar A Lago is Spanish for “The Fat Lady’s Singing.”
Report: James Harden threw basketball at teammate as tensions rise in Houston
I’m shocked, shocked Harden threw a ball to a teammate …
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he “never” thought daughter Katherine would marry an actor like Chris Pratt
… although he did end his wedding toast with “Hasta la vista, to my baby!”
Dr. Ben Carson wants to start a think tank post Trump Presidency
Well, after his last 4 years at HUD, he sure is well rested.
Miley Cyrus asked Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello to have a ‘three way’
Or, as it’s also known in the music biz “A Nicki Minaj A Troi.”
Church of Scientology received at least $4 million in PPP loans
Big deal, that barely covers couches Tom Cruise jumped on and broke.
Dr Fauci turned 80 years old
Although, 70 of those years took place between 2018 – 2020!
Paul McCartney ranks Ringo Starr among top three rock drummers
… somewhere Pete Best just went “ouch” and didn’t know why.
GOP Sen. Ben Sasse says Trump pardons are “rotten to the core”
Ben Sasse is the Jeff Flake of Susan Collinses.
How long does a weed high last?
I forget…
Kirk Cameron hosts another maskless Christmas caroling event to protest California’s stay-at-home order
Cameron’s gone from ‘Growing Pains’ to being a growing pain.
A Russian officer is duped into telling Alexey Navalny how he was poisoned — through his underpants
The giveaway was when the officer was caught bragging: “I’ve seen London, I’ve seen France, I put poison in Navalny’s underpants!”


humortimes--2020-12-29--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Alaska School Bus Driver Calvin Holmes

Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is is a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is Wasilla , Alaska school bus driver Calvin Holmes .
Good morning , Calvin .
Are you done dropping off the kids ?
My kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight .
When I discovered it , I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat .
I ’ m so hungry , I could eat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Now you ’ ve been a school bus driver for 25 years .
What is your proudest moment ?
I ’ d have to say the afternoon I drove 20 miles out of town to a winery and didn ’ t realize there was a kid asleep in the back of the bus .
I ’ m proud , because after I downed a bottle of Merlot and passed out , the kid drove the bus to his house .
Not really .
He picked up his friends , so he wasn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I remember when a blonde woman tried to blow up my school bus .
Fortunately , she burned her lips on the tailpipe .
Can anyone be a bus driver ?
Nope .
You need to pass a written exam at the Motor Vehicle Division and get a Class B commercial driver ’ s license .
What about your education ?
Eighth grade .
My IQ came back negative .
Pretty damn good I ’ d say .
Oh , brother .
How many kids are in the Wasilla school district ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of us drive them kids to school every day .
Pretty bad yesterday though .
Well .
We ’ re careful to stop at all railroad crossings and traffic lights .
But this new driver Wilma Fern was fired , because her bus almost got hit by a train .
When questioned , she told my boss that her biggest fear was dying alone .
And that ’ s why she drove the bus .
What ’ s black and yellow and goes “ Ahhhhh ?
” Wasilla is very rural .
Some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have to pick up Eskimo kids .
Aside from once getting a walrus tusk shoved up my ass by a 5th grader , it ’ s not too bad .
The only problem is all the igloos look the same .
But it ’ s kind of sad .
If anyone falls behind in their mortgage , the bank melts their igloo.That ’ s what they call a liquid asset .
Excuse me , Calvin .
There ’ s a call coming in from former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin .
Duncan .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
On behalf of the Palin family , I ’ d like to nominate Calvin Holmes a CNN Hero for changing the world .
Did you run out of crazy things to say ?
No , Duncan .
Calvin saved my ex-husband Todd after my son Track tied him to the back of a pickup truck as bear bait .
Hey , Sarah .
What do you call a bear with no teeth ?
Calvin saw Track and rammed his truck with the school bus .
Track ran away and Todd was rescued @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It was like watchin Free Willy , but no Michael Jackson music .
Let me ask Calvin what he thinks about all this hero stuff .
I ’ d rather have a home cooked meal at the Burger King .
Just sayin .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Alaska school bus driver Calvin Holmes.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is is a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Wasilla, Alaska school bus driver Calvin Holmes.
JERRY
Good morning, Calvin. Are you done dropping off the kids?
CALVIN HOLMES
Yep. I’m home, but pissed off.
JERRY
Why?
CALVIN
My kid left some uncooked sausage out of the freezer overnight. When I discovered it, I realized I was dealing with a spoiled brat. I’m so hungry, I could eat a horse and chase the rider.
JERRY
Now you’ve been a school bus driver for 25 years. What is your proudest moment?
CALVIN
I’d have to say the afternoon I drove 20 miles out of town to a winery and didn’t realize there was a kid asleep in the back of the bus. I’m proud, because after I downed a bottle of Merlot and passed out, the kid drove the bus to his house.
JERRY
That’s frightening.
CALVIN
Not really. He picked up his friends, so he wasn’t alone.
JERRY
What’s the worst moment?
CALVIN
There were so many. I remember when a blonde woman tried to blow up my school bus. Fortunately, she burned her lips on the tailpipe.
JERRY
Can anyone be a bus driver?
CALVIN
Nope. You need to pass a written exam at the Motor Vehicle Division and get a Class B commercial driver’s license.
JERRY
What about your education?
CALVIN
Eighth grade. My IQ came back negative. Pretty damn good I’d say.
JERRY
Oh, brother. How many kids are in the Wasilla school district?
CALVIN
Pret near 3,000. About a dozen of us drive them kids to school every day. Pretty bad yesterday though.
JERRY
How bad?
CALVIN
Well. We’re careful to stop at all railroad crossings and traffic lights. But this new driver Wilma Fern was fired, because her bus almost got hit by a train. When questioned, she told my boss that her biggest fear was dying alone. And that’s why she drove the bus.
JERRY
What’s black and yellow and goes “Ahhhhh?”
CALVIN
Don’t know.
JERRY
A school bus falling off a cliff.
JERRY
Wasilla is very rural. Some rough terrain.
CALVIN
Oh, ya. I have to pick up Eskimo kids. Aside from once getting a walrus tusk shoved up my ass by a 5th grader, it’s not too bad. The only problem is all the igloos look the same. But it’s kind of sad. If anyone falls behind in their mortgage, the bank melts their igloo.That’s what they call a liquid asset.
JERRY
Excuse me, Calvin. There’s a call coming in from former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin.
SARAH PALIN
Duncan. I need to make an important announcement.
JERRY
Go ahead, Caribou Barbie.
PALIN
On behalf of the Palin family, I’d like to nominate Calvin Holmes a CNN Hero for changing the world.
JERRY
Did you run out of crazy things to say?
PALIN
No, Duncan. Calvin saved my ex-husband Todd after my son Track tied him to the back of a pickup truck as bear bait.
JERRY
Hey, Sarah. What do you call a bear with no teeth?
PALIN
Geez. I don’t know.
JERRY
A gummy bear.
PALIN
Duncan. I’m gonna fill your rear end with buckshot!
JERRY
Sorry. Continue the story.
PALIN
Calvin saw Track and rammed his truck with the school bus. Track ran away and Todd was rescued. I saw it on YouTube. It was like watchin Free Willy, but no Michael Jackson music.
JERRY
Let me ask Calvin what he thinks about all this hero stuff.
JERRY
Well, Calvin?
CALVIN
I’d rather have a home cooked meal at the Burger King. Just sayin.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-12-29--2021 or Bust: This Will Be the First Year I Don’t Need to…

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It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

2021 or Bust: Other than Claustrophobia & Barnacles – think of this new free time as simplifying your life!
As strange as it may seem, there are advantages or perks (if you will) to being housebound for long periods of time! Some, are universal to all of us – some, I’m just going for a cheap laugh & a little Schadenfreude for you!
See if these are on your “2021 or Bust” List!
THIS WILL BE THE FIRST YEAR I DON’T NEED TO…
1. BUY A CALENDAR!
2. WEIGH MYSELF!
3. BUY TIC TACS!
4. TAKE A PREGNANCY TEST! (like that’s gonna happen)
5. DETERMINE HAIR SHADE (steel gray, slate gray, cesspool gray)
6. WEAR PERFUME!
7. BUY A BELT!
8. Okay, SHAVE ONE LEG!
9. ORGANIZE MY SOCK & DILDO DRAWER!
10. SING AULD LANG SYNE!
11. WRITE A TO-DO LIST!
12. WRITE ANOTHER ‘TRUMP’ ARTICLE!
13. Or…BUY ‘You Devil You, Red’, ‘Frisky Femme Orange’ or ‘Paint Your Pussy-cat Pink’ LIPSTICK!
But don’t envy me for my 2021 throw-caution-to-the-wind plan to make up for all that clean living!
I plan to…
CHAT-UP BAD BOYS ON DATING SITES…
WHO DON’T WEAR A MASK,
NEVER BUCKLE UP,
or USE A CONDOM,
BUT DRINK BEFORE 5 PM
& WEAR WHITE AFTER LABOR DAY…Oh, & VOTE REPUBLICAN!


humortimes--2020-12-29--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Laptop Dog

Trump is Putin’s laptop dog.
Trump’s legacy lies in his claims to defame.
Those that demand the most respect invariably give the least.
Propagandists attack in formation.
Republicans are hoping to runoff with Georgia in a mudslide.
Presidential pardons: Guilty party favors.
Money buys a paper view.
There’s a bloodsucker borne every minute.
Trump’s swan song: “Should I Stay or Should I Go Crazy?”
What time is it in America? Half-past assinine.
Anti-maskers demand their free doom of choice.
No fear. Also, no sense.
Our forests are being cut down to sighs.
Protect victimmigrants.
Sports psychology: Put me on, coach!
Slang is just a phrase we’re going through.
Holy bliss sings gospel music.
Don’t blame politicians too much; when you’re always running it’s difficult to still stand for anything.
Pigs reap as they sow.
Pimp my blimp so I’ll have a Goodyear.


humortimes--2020-12-31--‘Lord of the Flies,’ Revisited

‘Lord of the Flies,’ Revisited

Was William Golding ’ s “ Lord of the Flies ” more about his own dark nature than the children ’ s ?
Many of us read William Golding ’ s “ Lord of the Flies ” in high school — and it ’ s still being taught .
The 1954 novel depicts the gradual descent into barbaric darkness by a group of English schoolboys shipwrecked on a small , deserted island .
Its portrayal of innate human depravity was hailed at the time for its unblinking “ realism.
” Only … it was total bulls— .
In his superb @ @ @ @ @ @ @ History , ” Dutch historian Rutger Bregman documents that Golding had no knowledge of behavioral science and was hardly an impartial judge of children ’ s propensities .
Rather , he was an alcoholic prone to depression who beat his kids .
“ I have always understood the Nazis , ” Goldman once said , “ because I am of that sort by nature.
” So , he made up the story , and it wasn ’ t about children ’ s dark nature , but his own .
After learning about the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ curious about what would really happen if kids were left alone on an island .
He kept poking into everything from scientific studies to news reports , and — amazingly — finally unearthed an actual incident of shipwrecked children : In 1965 , six bored schoolboys from Tonga , ages 13 to 16 , took a small fishing boat out on a lark , but they were caught in a sudden storm and blown far from home .
Their boat ’ s mast and rudder broke , and they drifted for days before @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , where they were stranded for more than a year .
Fifty years later , the intrepid Bregman spent months tracing multiple dead ends before at last locating a few survivors and then traveling to Tonga to meet them and get the true story .
He learned that , far from devolving into barbarism , the inventive teenagers had set up a functioning democracy and communal economy .
They split chores into teams of two , built sleeping huts and a kitchen , tended a garden , stored rainwater , created a gymnasium @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a fire going ( taking turns protecting it so it never went out ) .
One boy even constructed a rudimentary guitar to accompany their singing .
Yes , they had occasional arguments , but the rule was that the quarrelers had to go to opposite ends of the island to cool down for a few hours before they were brought back to the group to apologize .
“ That ’ s how we stayed friends , ” one former castaway told Bregman .
When rescued by a passing fishing crew after 15 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were extraordinarily healthy — physically , socially and spiritually .
There ’ s the world we live in , and then there ’ s the frightening world we see every hour on “ the news ” and in social media : Invading hordes of murderous immigrants !
Black and brown rioters and looters rampaging through city streets !
Organized squads of illegal voters and ballot thieves stealing elections !
Lazy bums mooching on food stamps and encroaching on “ our beautiful suburbs ” !
Fear and loathing !
We shouldn ’ t be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , avarice and violence that obviously abound in society ; it ’ s there — inside corporations , police and military complexes , lobbyist-controlled governments , many religions , and other top-down constructs that prioritize profit and institutional command over democratic values and the common good .
But in striving to institute a culture of justice , it ’ s self-defeating to assume humankind is innately selfish , like Golding did in “ Lord of the Flies.
” Rather , we should shame the culprits as deviants and rally the majority to common-good @ @ @ @ @ @ @ instincts for an egalitarian society that equitably shares both responsibilities and benefits like the young men from Tonga .
In “ Humankind , ” Bregman cites a parable about the possibility of achieving such a society : “ An old man says to his grandson : ‘ There ’ s a fight going on inside me .
It ’ s a terrible fight between two wolves .
One is evil — angry , greedy , jealous , arrogant , and cowardly .
The other is good — peaceful , loving , modest , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ These two wolves are also fighting within you and inside every other person , too.
’ After a moment , the boy asks , ‘ Which wolf will win ?
’ “ The old man smiles .
‘ The one you feed . '
”

Was William Golding’s “Lord of the Flies” more about his own dark nature than the children’s?
Many of us read William Golding’s “Lord of the Flies” in high school — and it’s still being taught. The 1954 novel depicts the gradual descent into barbaric darkness by a group of English schoolboys shipwrecked on a small, deserted island. Its portrayal of innate human depravity was hailed at the time for its unblinking “realism.” Only … it was total bulls—.
In his superb 2019 work “Humankind: A Hopeful History,” Dutch historian Rutger Bregman documents that Golding had no knowledge of behavioral science and was hardly an impartial judge of children’s propensities. Rather, he was an alcoholic prone to depression who beat his kids. “I have always understood the Nazis,” Goldman once said, “because I am of that sort by nature.” So, he made up the story, and it wasn’t about children’s dark nature, but his own.
After learning about the man behind the tale, Bregman became curious about what would really happen if kids were left alone on an island. He kept poking into everything from scientific studies to news reports, and — amazingly — finally unearthed an actual incident of shipwrecked children: In 1965, six bored schoolboys from Tonga, ages 13 to 16, took a small fishing boat out on a lark, but they were caught in a sudden storm and blown far from home. Their boat’s mast and rudder broke, and they drifted for days before washing up on a desolate rocky islet, where they were stranded for more than a year.
Fifty years later, the intrepid Bregman spent months tracing multiple dead ends before at last locating a few survivors and then traveling to Tonga to meet them and get the true story.
He learned that, far from devolving into barbarism, the inventive teenagers had set up a functioning democracy and communal economy. They split chores into teams of two, built sleeping huts and a kitchen, tended a garden, stored rainwater, created a gymnasium, fashioned a badminton court and got a fire going (taking turns protecting it so it never went out). One boy even constructed a rudimentary guitar to accompany their singing. Yes, they had occasional arguments, but the rule was that the quarrelers had to go to opposite ends of the island to cool down for a few hours before they were brought back to the group to apologize. “That’s how we stayed friends,” one former castaway told Bregman.
When rescued by a passing fishing crew after 15 months on the island, the boys were extraordinarily healthy — physically, socially and spiritually.
There’s the world we live in, and then there’s the frightening world we see every hour on “the news” and in social media: Invading hordes of murderous immigrants! Black and brown rioters and looters rampaging through city streets! Organized squads of illegal voters and ballot thieves stealing elections! Lazy bums mooching on food stamps and encroaching on “our beautiful suburbs”! Fear and loathing!
We shouldn’t be oblivious to or uncaring about the wickedness, avarice and violence that obviously abound in society; it’s there — inside corporations, police and military complexes, lobbyist-controlled governments, many religions, and other top-down constructs that prioritize profit and institutional command over democratic values and the common good. But in striving to institute a culture of justice, it’s self-defeating to assume humankind is innately selfish, like Golding did in “Lord of the Flies.” Rather, we should shame the culprits as deviants and rally the majority to common-good solutions by appealing directly to their natural instincts for an egalitarian society that equitably shares both responsibilities and benefits like the young men from Tonga.
In “Humankind,” Bregman cites a parable about the possibility of achieving such a society:
“An old man says to his grandson: ‘There’s a fight going on inside me. It’s a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil — angry, greedy, jealous, arrogant, and cowardly. The other is good — peaceful, loving, modest, generous, honest, and trustworthy. These two wolves are also fighting within you and inside every other person, too.’ After a moment, the boy asks, ‘Which wolf will win?’
“The old man smiles. ‘The one you feed.'”


humortimes--2020-02-02--NYC Unveils ‘Little Free Gun Safe’ in Effort to Curb Violence

With violence in the nation ’ s largest city out of control , de Blasio asks citizens to start packing , and offers help with the “ Little Free Gun Safe.
” New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dedicated the city ’ s first “ Little Free Gun Safe ” in an effort to curb rising gun violence , a troubling trend as of late .
“ This is a great day for New York and a great day for democracy .
I couldn ’ t be prouder of the work we have accomplished here this week .
Gun @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fair city , and that ends now .
I am pleased to present New York City ’ s very first Little Free Gun Safe , ” Mayor de Blasio said in his speech , before cutting a yellow ribbon officially kicking off the pilot program , a first of its kind in the United States .
The program will work like the Little Free Library , as it will thrive on donations of guns from private citizens .
As a show of faith in his new program , Mayor de Blasio donated a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Glock 19 9mm compact semi-automatic pistol .
“ That was really tuff , I love that smoke wagon , ” the mayor said as a tear streamed down his face .
“ Safety should not be a concern if you want to walk your dog or go for a jog .
If you are like me and you sleep with your Remington 870 Express Pump-Action 12-gauge shotgun , you really start to wonder if you have enough firepower .
It sure would be nice not to have to do that .
Although I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fall asleep without it , ” said New York governor Andrew Cuomo , who was on hand for the ceremony .
A spokesperson for the mayor said this will be a great way to build community .
Neighbors helping neighbors , all getting to know each other a little better .
They can work together building and decorating a Little Free Gun Safe and even make it unique to their own communities.
” Hank Williams Jr. ’ s ‘ A Country Boy Can Survive ’ blared over the loudspeakers during a post-ceremony reception @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enthusiastically shot their guns in the air in celebration .
However , it wasn ’ t loud enough to squelch anti-gun protesters located across the street , who finally got the best of Mayor de Blasio who took the mic one last time .
“ I ’ ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands , ” the mayor shouted .

With violence in the nation’s largest city out of control, de Blasio asks citizens to start packing, and offers help with the “Little Free Gun Safe.”
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio dedicated the city’s first “Little Free Gun Safe” in an effort to curb rising gun violence, a troubling trend as of late.
“This is a great day for New York and a great day for democracy. I couldn’t be prouder of the work we have accomplished here this week. Gun violence is out of control in our fair city, and that ends now. I am pleased to present New York City’s very first Little Free Gun Safe,” Mayor de Blasio said in his speech, before cutting a yellow ribbon officially kicking off the pilot program, a first of its kind in the United States.
The program will work like the Little Free Library, as it will thrive on donations of guns from private citizens. As a show of faith in his new program, Mayor de Blasio donated a favorite from his personal arsenal, a Glock 19 9mm compact semi-automatic pistol. “That was really tuff, I love that smoke wagon,” the mayor said as a tear streamed down his face.
“Safety should not be a concern if you want to walk your dog or go for a jog. If you are like me and you sleep with your Remington 870 Express Pump-Action 12-gauge shotgun, you really start to wonder if you have enough firepower. It sure would be nice not to have to do that. Although I don’t know if I could fall asleep without it,” said New York governor Andrew Cuomo, who was on hand for the ceremony.
A spokesperson for the mayor said this will be a great way to build community. Neighbors helping neighbors, all getting to know each other a little better. They can work together building and decorating a Little Free Gun Safe and even make it unique to their own communities.”
Hank Williams Jr.’s ‘A Country Boy Can Survive’ blared over the loudspeakers during a post-ceremony reception while the mayor and city council members enthusiastically shot their guns in the air in celebration. However, it wasn’t loud enough to squelch anti-gun protesters located across the street, who finally got the best of Mayor de Blasio who took the mic one last time. “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold dead hands,” the mayor shouted.


humortimes--2020-02-02--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Aquitters Never Win

Aquitters who refuse to do their job should be fired !
As the entire country watches , Republicans allow no @ @ @ @ @ , or have we become a democrazy ?
Silence answers to no one .
I @ @ @ @ @ a lie !
Too few leaders , too many misleaders .
When they can ’ @ @ @ @ @ they desperately try to change the subject .
Belief should never stand in the way @ @ @ @ @ of the union is… divided and broken !
Too many immigrants are dying to cross @ @ @ @ @ of global warming are chilling .
Old habits die hard .
Prehistoric cavemen also went @ @ @ @ @ dates .
To achieve the impossible , define the unknown .

Aquitters who refuse to do their job should be fired!
As the entire country watches, Republicans allow no witnesses.
Am I nuts, or have we become a democrazy?
Silence answers to no one.
I believe everything Trump says… is a lie!
You can’t handle the Goof!
Too few leaders, too many misleaders.
When they can’t change the facts, they desperately try to change the subject.
Accuse, excuse, confuse: Fox news.
Fools are easily fooled.
Belief should never stand in the way of facts.
The state of the union is… divided and broken!
Too many immigrants are dying to cross the border.
ICE freeze racist policies.
The effects of global warming are chilling.
Only environmental quacks prefer fowl water.
The proper entrée for Groundhog Day meals: Pork Sausage.
Old habits die hard. Prehistoric cavemen also went out “clubbing” for dates.
To achieve the impossible, define the unknown.
My innermost feelings are hungry.


humortimes--2020-02-02--Pat Cipollone – Take the Cannoli!

Pat Cipollone – Take the Cannoli!

According to the New York Times , Trump ’ s lead defense attorney Pat Cipollone could ’ ve been a Material Witness in our President ’ s Impeachment Trial !
Isn ’ t that like the Fox guarding the Hen House ?
But , without all that Clucking !
ha ha After watching the whole 3 Card Monte charade of votes-already-decided ; I ’ m feeling a bit vindictive & pranky !
I suggest before the continuation of the trial in the Senate on February 3rd – Pasquale should stop at the cafeteria & …take the Cannoli !
Tube shaped @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a sweet , creamy filling containing ricotta .
And , if there is a G-d – the triumphant attorney could have ricotta on his nose & nobody should tell him !
But , alas – that wasn ’ t necessary… our Knight in shiny J.C. Penney ; Lead Impeachment Manager , Adam Schiff sprang from his seat & warned the White House Defense Team : “ Well , there ’ s a new fact which indicated that Mr. Cipollone was among those who were in the loop !
Yet another reason why we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He was reportedly at a meeting in which President Trump asked John Bolton to help with his effort to pressure Ukraine into helping him dig up dirt on his political rival .
It raises ethical questions & House Managers have demanded Pat Cipollone disclose any firsthand evidence .
I wasn ’ t repulsed enough , so I googled his bio : It says Mr. & Mrs. Cipollone have 10 children !
Not that there ’ s anything wrong with that !
In fact , I heard the very virile Cipollone already has an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : ‘ No , I was with ‘ Little Burisma ’ all day ’ !

According to the New York Times, Trump’s lead defense attorney Pat Cipollone could’ve been a Material Witness in our President’s Impeachment Trial!
Isn’t that like the Fox guarding the Hen House?
But, without all that Clucking! ha ha
After watching the whole 3 Card Monte charade of votes-already-decided; I’m feeling a bit vindictive & pranky!
I suggest before the continuation of the trial in the Senate on February 3rd – Pasquale should stop at the cafeteria &…take the Cannoli!
Tube shaped shells of fried pastry dough filled with a sweet, creamy filling containing ricotta.
And, if there is a G-d – the triumphant attorney could have ricotta on his nose & nobody should tell him!
But, alas – that wasn’t necessary… our Knight in shiny J.C. Penney; Lead Impeachment Manager, Adam Schiff sprang from his seat & warned the White House Defense Team:
“Well, there’s a new fact which indicated that Mr. Cipollone was among those who were in the loop! Yet another reason why we ought to hear from witnesses”!
He was reportedly at a meeting in which President Trump asked John Bolton to help with his effort to pressure Ukraine into helping him dig up dirt on his political rival.
It raises ethical questions & House Managers have demanded Pat Cipollone disclose any firsthand evidence.
I wasn’t repulsed enough, so I googled his bio:
It says Mr. & Mrs. Cipollone have 10 children!
Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
I’m just sayin’!
In fact, I heard the very virile Cipollone already has an alibi for not being in the loop:
‘No, I was with ‘Little Burisma’ all day’!


humortimes--2020-02-02--Impeachment Defense Lawyer Jokes

Impeachment Defense Lawyer Jokes

Lawyer jokes are ubiquitous , but here are some new ones especially for Trump ’ s impeachment defense team !
Why won ’ t white sharks eat impeachment defense lawyers when they go swimming ?
A : They are the same skin color .
B : They are both in the same profession .
C : Trump lawyers leave a rancid aftertaste in their mouths .
How many impeachment defense lawyers does it take to win a trial ?
Eight : One to twist the statements made by the Democratic lawyers , one to come up with a half truth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ repeat this half truth incessantly until people believe it as a full truth , one to besmirch and belittle any Democrats who are accusing them or offering testimony , one to lead listeners down another path away from the main topics , one to chide any rebuttals to the half-truth and one to report the days progress to Herr Trump and get his head patted .
To what religious affiliation do most impeachment lawyers belong ?
To the First Church of the Apostle Judas .
What were impeachment lawyers in their past lives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this life ?
A. Pinocchio ’ s understudy .
B. Caligula ‘ s stand in .
C. A scout for Genghis Khan D. Torture machine inventor for the Inquisition .
E. McCarthy ’ s intern during his anti-Communist campaign F. Enforcer during the formulation of the caste system in India .
G. Nero ’ s fiddle notes holder .
What after school work did impeachment lawyers do as teenagers ?
A. Castrating bulls with their bare hands .
B. Autopsy waste disposal .
C. Fact checking writings to make sure there WASN ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s golf caddy .
What do impeachment lawyers drink and eat during their breaks on the impeachment hearings to keep themselves sharp and combative ?
Why are environmentalists protesting outside Congress during the hearings ?
Because of the amount of carbons being put into the atmosphere from all the flatulent hot air being created there .
Why did Satan create a separate hell for impeachment defense lawyers ?
He didn ’ t want them being a bad influence on the regular residents .
Why are impeachment defense lawyers forbidden to give @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the receiver ’ s go into toxic shock .
How did the impeachment defense lawyer get into heaven ?
He convinced God that killing his wife wasn ’ t really a crime .
How many impeachment defense lawyers would it take to run a country ?
• One to convince the working class that they were there for them .
• One to convince them to pay their wages through their taxes .
• One to pick other people than themselves to go into the military to defend the country .
• One @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make them look good and any one who opposes them bad .
• One to set up offshore hidden slush funds .
• One to campaign tirelessly even when there isn ’ t an election near .
• One to put on pompous speeches .
• One to read the speeches without so much as blinking an eye at its miss-truths .
One to convince voters they were making America better ( Of course while wearing a MAGA cap ) .
• One to make sure everyone else is staying in line… or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ impeachment lawyers in a regular cemetery ?
The EPA has declared them a toxic substance that might leak out of the coffin .
What do you do if you are bitten by a impeachment defense lawyer ?
Chase after him and get your arm back .
Why do impeachment lawyers not like to smile ?
Why can ’ t lawyers go shopping at a regular shoe store ?
They don ’ t have anything that fits cloven hoofs .

Lawyer jokes are ubiquitous, but here are some new ones especially for Trump’s impeachment defense team!
Why won’t white sharks eat impeachment defense lawyers when they go swimming?
A: They are the same skin color.
B: They are both in the same profession.
C: Trump lawyers leave a rancid aftertaste in their mouths.
How many impeachment defense lawyers does it take to win a trial?
Eight: One to twist the statements made by the Democratic lawyers, one to come up with a half truth that seems plausible enough, two to repeat this half truth incessantly until people believe it as a full truth, one to besmirch and belittle any Democrats who are accusing them or offering testimony, one to lead listeners down another path away from the main topics, one to chide any rebuttals to the half-truth and one to report the days progress to Herr Trump and get his head patted.
To what religious affiliation do most impeachment lawyers belong?
To the First Church of the Apostle Judas.
What were impeachment lawyers in their past lives that gave them such amazing talents in this life?
A. Pinocchio’s understudy.
B. Caligula‘s stand in.
C. A scout for Genghis Khan
D. Torture machine inventor for the Inquisition.
E. McCarthy’s intern during his anti-Communist campaign
F. Enforcer during the formulation of the caste system in India.
G. Nero’s fiddle notes holder.
What after school work did impeachment lawyers do as teenagers?
A. Castrating bulls with their bare hands. B. Autopsy waste disposal. C. Fact checking writings to make sure there WASN”T anything true in them. D. Trump’s golf caddy.
What do impeachment lawyers drink and eat during their breaks on the impeachment hearings to keep themselves sharp and combative?
Battery acid, saltpeter, Starbucks Triple Espresso Latte and raw cow.
Why are environmentalists protesting outside Congress during the hearings?
Because of the amount of carbons being put into the atmosphere from all the flatulent hot air being created there.
Why did Satan create a separate hell for impeachment defense lawyers?
He didn’t want them being a bad influence on the regular residents.
Why are impeachment defense lawyers forbidden to give blood transfusions?
Because with out fail the receiver’s go into toxic shock.
How did the impeachment defense lawyer get into heaven?
He convinced God that killing his wife wasn’t really a crime.
How many impeachment defense lawyers would it take to run a country?
Ten:
One to convince the working class that they were there for them. One to convince them to pay their wages through their taxes. One to pick other people than themselves to go into the military to defend the country. One to come up with catchy slogans to make them look good and any one who opposes them bad. One to set up offshore hidden slush funds. One to campaign tirelessly even when there isn’t an election near. One to put on pompous speeches. One to write misconception laden speeches. One to read the speeches without so much as blinking an eye at its miss-truths.
One to convince voters they were making America better (Of course while wearing a MAGA cap). One to make sure everyone else is staying in line… or else!
Why will they not bury impeachment lawyers in a regular cemetery?
The EPA has declared them a toxic substance that might leak out of the coffin.
What do you do if you are bitten by a impeachment defense lawyer?
Chase after him and get your arm back.
Why do impeachment lawyers not like to smile?
It exposes their fangs.
Why can’t lawyers go shopping at a regular shoe store?
They don’t have anything that fits cloven hoofs.


humortimes--2020-01-31--Trump: Secret Plans to Escape Indictment?

As the Trump-Kim bromance continues , rumors circulate of plans to escape indictment .
An anonymous source has just informed this reporter of a secret plan to escape indictment that Trump has recently devised , in case he is removed from office or it looks like he will not win the 2020 election and be indicted after all .
It appears that the bromance between Trump and Kim Jong Un has secretly continued to heat up over the past few months .
Kim ’ s last missile had “ I ( heart ) Trump ” inscribed on the cone and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Macs as a sign of appreciation .
It appears that the two have been sharing secret phone calls every evening .
The White House staffers know their relationship is serious , because on several occasions he has missed Fox News newscasts rather than interrupt his telephone time with Kim .
Staff have overheard what they can only believe are pet names they have exchanged .
Trump refers to Kim as “ my Pillsbury dough boy , ” and Kim coos back , “ Mandu , ” the name for a plump Korean dumpling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kim is allowing Trump to build a luxurious Trump Tower Hotel in Pyongyang .
Kim ’ s own name will appear as the owner while it is being built , so no suspicions will be aroused in the U.S .
Instead of the usual Trump signage , the two are trying to come up with a combination of their two names .
They have considered Trumpkim for its cuteness value and because Trump ’ s first pet name for Kim was his pumpkim which over time morphed into his “ Trumpkim.
” However @ @ @ @ @ @ @ come second in his own country .
The entire top , penthouse floor will be the Kim/Trump residence with fast food restaurants on the rooftop above with access only by their private elevator .
To squelch rumors that they are gay , Martha Stuart will give a tour of the penthouse , showcasing their separate , lavish bedroom suites and the bevvy of young Korean girls who will serve as attendants 24/7 .
( There are no plans to include Melania . )
They will share a common area for daily couples ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ indoor hot tub/spa .
There is only one stumbling block so far , finding a couch strong enough to hold them both as they cuddle to watch Fox News each night..

As the Trump-Kim bromance continues, rumors circulate of plans to escape indictment.
An anonymous source has just informed this reporter of a secret plan to escape indictment that Trump has recently devised, in case he is removed from office or it looks like he will not win the 2020 election and be indicted after all.
It appears that the bromance between Trump and Kim Jong Un has secretly continued to heat up over the past few months. Kim’s last missile had “I (heart) Trump” inscribed on the cone and Trump sent him a bouquet of Big Macs as a sign of appreciation.
It appears that the two have been sharing secret phone calls every evening. The White House staffers know their relationship is serious, because on several occasions he has missed Fox News newscasts rather than interrupt his telephone time with Kim.
Staff have overheard what they can only believe are pet names they have exchanged. Trump refers to Kim as “my Pillsbury dough boy,” and Kim coos back, “Mandu,” the name for a plump Korean dumpling.
To plan for the future, Kim is allowing Trump to build a luxurious Trump Tower Hotel in Pyongyang. Kim’s own name will appear as the owner while it is being built, so no suspicions will be aroused in the U.S. Instead of the usual Trump signage, the two are trying to come up with a combination of their two names. They have considered Trumpkim for its cuteness value and because Trump’s first pet name for Kim was his pumpkim which over time morphed into his “Trumpkim.” However, Kim objected to having his name come second in his own country.
The entire top, penthouse floor will be the Kim/Trump residence with fast food restaurants on the rooftop above with access only by their private elevator. To squelch rumors that they are gay, Martha Stuart will give a tour of the penthouse, showcasing their separate, lavish bedroom suites and the bevvy of young Korean girls who will serve as attendants 24/7. (There are no plans to include Melania.)
They will share a common area for daily couples’ massages or a joint soak in their indoor hot tub/spa. There is only one stumbling block so far, finding a couch strong enough to hold them both as they cuddle to watch Fox News each night..


My Whistleblower Complaint

A very revealing letter to Adam Schiff from a wannabee whistleblower .
The Honorable Adam Schiff Chairman Select Committee on Intelligence United States House of Representatives I ’ m not sure if I ’ m writing to the correct person , but I ’ ve seen you frequently on TV and you seem to be keen on whistleblowers and I ’ m thinking of becoming one myself .
In the course of my unofficial television viewing duties , I have received information from multiple cable news outlets and on-air national TV networks suggesting that the President of the United States @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has been going on for almost three years , so I ’ m kind of surprised that the President is still in office .
I therefore thought it advisable to let you know about his offenses since it appears you may not have been paying attention .
• Apparently there was an audio tape with the President bragging that he could grab women “ by the pussy ” with impunity .
You might want to check into this for a possible criminal charge or at least an informal censure .
• Rumor has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ least two occasions , paid hush money to women with whom he had sexual relations .
Although I don ’ t have direct knowledge of these events , my news sources assure me that they likely happened .
A number of talking heads claim that you might get more information from a couple of lawyers named Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani .
• I ’ ve listened to a lot of political panels on CNN and they frequently mention that many foreign leaders and diplomats book rooms in the President ’ s hotels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
According to the pundits , there ’ s something in the Constitution called the Foreign Emoluments Clause which you might want to take a look at .
• The President insisted on holding the next G7 Summit in one of his resort properties in Florida although he appears to have backtracked on that decision .
I don ’ t know about you but that just doesn ’ t seem right .
• I ’ m no accountant but I ’ m guessing if you could get a hold of Mr. Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be on to something .
Just saying .
• Maybe you missed it but last year a guy named Bob Mueller issued a report .
It was long and pretty dry so I wouldn ’ t be surprised if you didn ’ t get a chance to read it but some of those TV talking heads ( especially the ones on MSNBC ) seem to think it comprises lots of evidence of obstruction of justice by the President .
If you want to check it out , I strongly suggest that you not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one Bill Barr .
• It looks like the President is downright reckless , especially when it comes to foreign affairs .
He cozies up to guys like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un but then trashes America ’ s allies .
I ’ m no expert but it seems to me that such behavior should be punished or at least curtailed .
If I can be of further assistance , just let me know .
I recorded some of the relevant news shows on my DVR and would be happy to share those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re pressed for time , might I suggest a quick read of a few articles in the New York Times .

A very revealing letter to Adam Schiff from a wannabee whistleblower.
UNCLASSIFIED
January 31, 2019
The Honorable Adam Schiff
Chairman
Select Committee on Intelligence
United States House of Representatives
Dear Adam:
I’m not sure if I’m writing to the correct person, but I’ve seen you frequently on TV and you seem to be keen on whistleblowers and I’m thinking of becoming one myself.
In the course of my unofficial television viewing duties, I have received information from multiple cable news outlets and on-air national TV networks suggesting that the President of the United States is abusing his executive powers. This has been going on for almost three years, so I’m kind of surprised that the President is still in office. I therefore thought it advisable to let you know about his offenses since it appears you may not have been paying attention.
Apparently there was an audio tape with the President bragging that he could grab women “by the pussy” with impunity. You might want to check into this for a possible criminal charge or at least an informal censure. Rumor has it that the President, on at least two occasions, paid hush money to women with whom he had sexual relations. Although I don’t have direct knowledge of these events, my news sources assure me that they likely happened. A number of talking heads claim that you might get more information from a couple of lawyers named Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani. I’ve listened to a lot of political panels on CNN and they frequently mention that many foreign leaders and diplomats book rooms in the President’s hotels in order to curry favor with him. According to the pundits, there’s something in the Constitution called the Foreign Emoluments Clause which you might want to take a look at. The President insisted on holding the next G7 Summit in one of his resort properties in Florida although he appears to have backtracked on that decision. I don’t know about you but that just doesn’t seem right. I’m no accountant but I’m guessing if you could get a hold of Mr. Trump’s income tax returns, you might be on to something. Just saying. Maybe you missed it but last year a guy named Bob Mueller issued a report. It was long and pretty dry so I wouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t get a chance to read it but some of those TV talking heads (especially the ones on MSNBC) seem to think it comprises lots of evidence of obstruction of justice by the President. If you want to check it out, I strongly suggest that you not rely on any summary or analysis by one Bill Barr. It looks like the President is downright reckless, especially when it comes to foreign affairs. He cozies up to guys like Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong-un but then trashes America’s allies. I’m no expert but it seems to me that such behavior should be punished or at least curtailed.
If I can be of further assistance, just let me know. I recorded some of the relevant news shows on my DVR and would be happy to share those recordings with you. If you’re pressed for time, might I suggest a quick read of a few articles in the New York Times.
Yours truly,
A Wannabe Whistleblower


humortimes--2020-01-31--Movie Review: ‘The Rhythm Section’

Movie Review: ‘The Rhythm Section’

The first movie I saw Blake Lively in was The Town .
She played a supporting part that had her as the main squeeze of a bank robber on the lam .
Ben Affleck is the villain and he directed the film In a bar scene with Ben , the close ups of Lively ’ s face took my breath away .
She is a beautiful woman .
Her character in this 2010 film had lots of troubles , all plainly displayed on a face I couldn ’ t stop looking at .
Lively ’ s issues as Stephanie Patrick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ film — are exponentially magnified with help from Reed Morano , the director… and Mark Burnell , who adapted the screenplay from a novel he wrote using the same title .
As The Rhythm Section is largely at-sea , it will come as no surprise to learn it has nothing to do with a band of musicians , or sections thereof .
The waves of this film try to wash onto a shore that you might want to give title to as “ Beach 007 , ” but Sean Connery and Ursula Andress @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
We get to know Stephanie a bit in the ebullience of a loving family .
I thought Morano would never move past her need to establish familial glee in order to get to the darkness and violence that are most often the product of someone hellbent on revenge .
All of Steph ’ s family dies in a mid-sea passenger jet crash that she , at the last minute , opted out of .
Talk about guilty .
The film opens after the tragedy with her having disintegrated into heavy drug and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now being a disheveled whore .
Her previous status in life as a smart , multilingual teacher is hardly called to attention .
You have wait for it , so to speak , as you see Stephanie ’ s repetitious , rapturous connections with her mom , dad , sisters and brother .
A furtive independent journalist comes to the bordello where Steph works to inform her that research — after a few years having passed since the crash — tells him : no accident — it was a bomb planted by some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s been in contact with anonymous others for that revelation .
Stephanie commences with chickening out on killing a guy she ’ s learned was in on the bombing-the-plane caper .
That leads our heroine onto a hermit-like ex-spy — really ensconced in the boondocks .
This character goes unnamed on the cast list , but he is performed by the redoubtable Jude Law .
No Name Jude teaches Steph how to really kick ass .
Yeah , does he ever : by kicking hers really well .
The transformation of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assassin can ’ t be too far in our future , right ?
Well , sort of .
But years have shown having a license to kill , even with its lousy hours , can be an awesome-cool skill set to have .
Various under-explained threads are woven into the script implying there ’ s lots more in the book .
So , whether you like it or not , you ’ re fundamentally here to see this film for observing Blake Lively suffer as woman with several names and ways of dressing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while she sinks into a mayhem-filled swamp that ’ s not located in the District of Columbia I said The Rhythm Section isn ’ t an on-the-beach spy movie dealing with a suspicious band of rhythm keepers .
Curiously , it doesn ’ t present itself as really knowing what to be , except for the “ fruits ” of getting revenge and finding one ’ s self — following a racking familial disaster .
How could it be when , just before the next rumble , chase , or shootout ensues , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Cass Elliot warbling “ Dream A Little Dream of Me , ” or Brenda Lee belting out “ I ’ m Sorry ” or Elvis crooning “ It ’ s Now Or Never ” ?
Bewilderment can bring laughter .
It is my fear that the so watchable Blake Lively has found her lovely self , ugh… a franchise .

The Rhythm Section — a film review by Gary Chew
The first movie I saw Blake Lively in was The Town. She played a supporting part that had her as the main squeeze of a bank robber on the lam. Ben Affleck is the villain and he directed the film In a bar scene with Ben, the close ups of Lively’s face took my breath away. She is a beautiful woman. Her character in this 2010 film had lots of troubles, all plainly displayed on a face I couldn’t stop looking at.
Lively’s issues as Stephanie Patrick in The Rhythm Section — her latest film — are exponentially magnified with help from Reed Morano, the director… and Mark Burnell, who adapted the screenplay from a novel he wrote using the same title.
As The Rhythm Section is largely at-sea, it will come as no surprise to learn it has nothing to do with a band of musicians, or sections thereof. The waves of this film try to wash onto a shore that you might want to give title to as “Beach 007,” but Sean Connery and Ursula Andress didn’t get a call back.
We get to know Stephanie a bit in the ebullience of a loving family. I thought Morano would never move past her need to establish familial glee in order to get to the darkness and violence that are most often the product of someone hellbent on revenge. All of Steph’s family dies in a mid-sea passenger jet crash that she, at the last minute, opted out of. Talk about guilty.
The film opens after the tragedy with her having disintegrated into heavy drug and alcohol use to numb the pain of now being a disheveled whore. Her previous status in life as a smart, multilingual teacher is hardly called to attention. You have wait for it, so to speak, as you see Stephanie’s repetitious, rapturous connections with her mom, dad, sisters and brother.
A furtive independent journalist comes to the bordello where Steph works to inform her that research — after a few years having passed since the crash — tells him: no accident — it was a bomb planted by some freaking terrorists; and as well, he’s been in contact with anonymous others for that revelation.
Stephanie commences with chickening out on killing a guy she’s learned was in on the bombing-the-plane caper. That leads our heroine onto a hermit-like ex-spy — really ensconced in the boondocks. This character goes unnamed on the cast list, but he is performed by the redoubtable Jude Law.
No Name Jude teaches Steph how to really kick ass. Yeah, does he ever: by kicking hers really well. The transformation of Stephanie into a robust, hard-ass female assassin can’t be too far in our future, right? Well, sort of. But years have shown having a license to kill, even with its lousy hours, can be an awesome-cool skill set to have.
Various under-explained threads are woven into the script implying there’s lots more in the book. So, whether you like it or not, you’re fundamentally here to see this film for observing Blake Lively suffer as woman with several names and ways of dressing, as well as wig wearings, while she sinks into a mayhem-filled swamp that’s not located in the District of Columbia
I said The Rhythm Section isn’t an on-the-beach spy movie dealing with a suspicious band of rhythm keepers. Curiously, it doesn’t present itself as really knowing what to be, except for the “fruits” of getting revenge and finding one’s self — following a racking familial disaster. How could it be when, just before the next rumble, chase, or shootout ensues, the soundtrack bewilders us further with Mama Cass Elliot warbling “Dream A Little Dream of Me,” or Brenda Lee belting out “I’m Sorry” or Elvis crooning “It’s Now Or Never”? Bewilderment can bring laughter.
It is my fear that the so watchable Blake Lively has found her lovely self, ugh… a franchise.


humortimes--2020-02-04--Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/3/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/3/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not official for the single ladies until they put an onion ring on it .
Oh .
Oh .
Oh .
Oh .
Oh .
Bloomberg goes “ all-in ” in run for President Bloomberg ’ s campaign slogan ought to be , “ the only way to stop a bad guy who lies about having a billion dollars is with a good guy with a billion dollars.
’ ’ The famed Doomsday Clock has been set at 100 seconds to midnight this year , the closest it ’ s ever @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Earth ’ s destruction John Delaney drops out of Democratic presidential race just days before Iowa caucuses Surprising even his family , not that he dropped out — but that he was even running in the first place .
Utah Judge rules it ’ s “ lewd ” for a woman to be topless in her own home ” … that ’ s not what the UPS guy said… The bigger question is who translated them from the original Russian ?
New study shows audience ’ s hearts synchronize at the theatre While @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was sleep REMs .
Don ’ t feel too bad ; he was 104 and just a shell of his old self .
That ’ s right , 02/02/2020 was officially Palindrome Day .
Or , as it ’ s also known , ‘ Yad Emordnilap.
’ Man escapes burning house only to have his wife run him over People are shocked , shocked it didn ’ t happen in Florida .
Zoo will name a cockroach after your ex , then feed it to a meerkat on Valentine ’ s Day Don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Taylor Swift ; we don ’ t need any exploding meerkats .
Michelle Obama wins Grammy for audio recording of her memoir So now we know what Melania will be doing in a few years .
Kushner tells Sky News Arabia he has read 25 books on the Israel-Palestine conflict I saw ‘ Marathon Man , ’ anyone need any dental work .

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Popeyes is selling athleisure inspired by Beyoncé’s Ivy Park x Adidas Collection
Although, it’s not official for the single ladies until they put an onion ring on it. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.
Bloomberg goes “all-in” in run for President
Bloomberg’s campaign slogan ought to be, “the only way to stop a bad guy who lies about having a billion dollars is with a good guy with a billion dollars.’’
The famed Doomsday Clock has been set at 100 seconds to midnight this year, the closest it’s ever been to the metaphorical point of the Earth’s destruction
… time for bacon. Lots of bacon!
John Delaney drops out of Democratic presidential race just days before Iowa caucuses
Surprising even his family, not that he dropped out — but that he was even running in the first place.
Utah Judge rules it’s “lewd” for a woman to be topless in her own home”
… that’s not what the UPS guy said…
Trump team caught writing the questions for GOP senators
The bigger question is who translated them from the original Russian?
New study shows audience’s hearts synchronize at the theatre
While at the movie ‘Cats’ it was sleep REMs.
RIP, Mr. Peanut
Don’t feel too bad; he was 104 and just a shell of his old self.
02022020: Palindrome day warms the hearts of mathematicians, geeks
That’s right, 02/02/2020 was officially Palindrome Day. Or, as it’s also known, ‘Yad Emordnilap.’
Man escapes burning house only to have his wife run him over
People are shocked, shocked it didn’t happen in Florida.
Zoo will name a cockroach after your ex, then feed it to a meerkat on Valentine’s Day
Don’t even think about it, Taylor Swift; we don’t need any exploding meerkats.
Michelle Obama wins Grammy for audio recording of her memoir
So now we know what Melania will be doing in a few years.
Duchess of Cambridge crowned number one royal fashion icon – beating Meghan Markle
… and Queen Elton John.
Kushner tells Sky News Arabia he has read 25 books on the Israel-Palestine conflict
I saw ‘Marathon Man,’ anyone need any dental work.


humortimes--2020-03-28--President’s Speaking Style Declared National Mental Health Disaster

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Mental health disaster : The severity of the effect the president ’ s speech patterns have on the nation may actually be underestimated , says NIMH .
Citing several recent studies on anacoluthon , the technical term for the absence of grammatical sequence in speech , the National Institute of Mental Health has declared President Donald Trump ’ s speaking style a “ national mental health disaster.
” The declaration specifically cited the work of Nobel Prize winning linguist @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ a subjective schizolingual verbal aberration common to megalomaniacs and the chronically self-aggrandizing.
” The NIMH press release stresses that Dr. Chomsky ’ s definition , while accurate , may in fact grossly underestimate the severity of the effect the president ’ s speech patterns have on the nation .
Speaking to reporters outside the institute ’ s Atlanta , Georgia headquarters , NIMH Director Lauren Tzu stated , “ The greatest danger to Americans is not just from listening to the president ’ s wildly kaleidoscopic speech patterns , but from trying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We have identified several significant psychoses that can result from listening to the president without frequent mental rests.
” When asked to clarify the institute ’ s specific recommendations , Ms. Tzu answered , “ In the context of the current crisis in which sequestered Americans are hungry for any contact with the outside world , we , as a nation , seem to be overcoming our natural gag reflex and listening to the president on a much more frequent basis .
“ Given this new national dynamic , we at NIMH have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ public is to declare the president ’ s speech patterns a national mental health disaster , and to urge all Americans to either record his daily White House briefings and listen to them in small doses to mitigate the effects we have listed , or better yet to not listen to them at all if possible.
” Asked if she thought it likely that Americans could overcome such an entrenched habit cold turkey , the director explained , “ We understand that morbid curiosity , such as the overwhelming desire to look at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a deeply ingrained human mental pattern , and that the urge to listen to the president ’ s verbal train wrecks can be very , very difficult to overcome as well .
“ That is why we are suggesting for those who can ’ t figuratively take their eyes off of the president ’ s verbal train wrecks that they simply record his briefings and listen to them in small segments interspersed with adequate mental relaxation .
We think this approach could eventually lead to complete cessation of the habit.
” A handout @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than twenty different psychoses believed to be associated with listening to the president , including : Schizoaural Disorder : Delusions and hallucinations resulting from listening to psychedelic speech patterns .
Shared Auditory Psychotic Disorder : Groups of people listening to the same wildly non-sequitur speech patterns believe they are listening to each other hallucinate .
Collective Megalophrenia : Prevalent in crowds when people begin to believe they have become wise and powerful by listening to violently incoherent megalomaniacal ranting .
Aural Atrophic Nervous Collapse : The mind gradually shuts down and ceases to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bombardment with preposterous and irrational ideas .
A Humor Times telephone poll of 1,017 registered Trump supporters produced the following responses : Jack G. , a currently unemployed truck driver from Abilene , Texas said , “ What does she know ?
Donald Trump talks my language .
My mental problems are from seven ex-wives , not Donald Trump.
” A carpenter from Banville , Indiana who asked to be referred to only as “ The Trumpinator ” replied , “ I think it ’ s time we started listening to the real @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some woman in a mental institute.
” Carol M. , a postal worker from Tupelo , Mississippi responded , “ He ’ s fine .
That ’ s just the Clove Oil Virus talking.
” White House spokesman Hobart Giddily issued the following statement : “ The president is , this is just fake news , the president is a great speaker and the world leaders know this , the president has mental powers .
His uncle was a great , great brilliant man .
Brilliant MIT man .
Brilliant Harvard .
Brilliant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He knows banking .
Knows ISIS .
He has closed the door to Mexicans .
Mexican door closed .
Closed the door to the Chinese .
Chinese door closed .
“ That is why America loves his speeches .
Great speeches .
Great first lady .
The world leaders call him about this .
Beautiful speeches .
Not Chinese speeches .
Great beautiful American speeches .
The president understands things .
People wonder how he can know so much .
World leaders call him about this all the time .
His speeches made @ @ @ @ @

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Mental health disaster: The severity of the effect the president’s speech patterns have on the nation may actually be underestimated, says NIMH.
Citing several recent studies on anacoluthon, the technical term for the absence of grammatical sequence in speech, the National Institute of Mental Health has declared President Donald Trump’s speaking style a “national mental health disaster.”
The declaration specifically cited the work of Nobel Prize winning linguist Noah Chafsky, who describes anacoluthon as “a subjective schizolingual verbal aberration common to megalomaniacs and the chronically self-aggrandizing.” The NIMH press release stresses that Dr. Chomsky’s definition, while accurate, may in fact grossly underestimate the severity of the effect the president’s speech patterns have on the nation.
Speaking to reporters outside the institute’s Atlanta, Georgia headquarters, NIMH Director Lauren Tzu stated, “The greatest danger to Americans is not just from listening to the president’s wildly kaleidoscopic speech patterns, but from trying to listen to them too fast. We have identified several significant psychoses that can result from listening to the president without frequent mental rests.”
When asked to clarify the institute’s specific recommendations, Ms. Tzu answered, “In the context of the current crisis in which sequestered Americans are hungry for any contact with the outside world, we, as a nation, seem to be overcoming our natural gag reflex and listening to the president on a much more frequent basis.
“Given this new national dynamic, we at NIMH have determined that our responsibility to the American public is to declare the president’s speech patterns a national mental health disaster, and to urge all Americans to either record his daily White House briefings and listen to them in small doses to mitigate the effects we have listed, or better yet to not listen to them at all if possible.”
Asked if she thought it likely that Americans could overcome such an entrenched habit cold turkey, the director explained, “We understand that morbid curiosity, such as the overwhelming desire to look at car wrecks on the freeway, is a deeply ingrained human mental pattern, and that the urge to listen to the president’s verbal train wrecks can be very, very difficult to overcome as well.
“That is why we are suggesting for those who can’t figuratively take their eyes off of the president’s verbal train wrecks that they simply record his briefings and listen to them in small segments interspersed with adequate mental relaxation. We think this approach could eventually lead to complete cessation of the habit.”
A handout included in the press packet identified more than twenty different psychoses believed to be associated with listening to the president, including:
Schizoaural Disorder: Delusions and hallucinations resulting from listening to psychedelic speech patterns.
Shared Auditory Psychotic Disorder: Groups of people listening to the same wildly non-sequitur speech patterns believe they are listening to each other hallucinate.
Collective Megalophrenia: Prevalent in crowds when people begin to believe they have become wise and powerful by listening to violently incoherent megalomaniacal ranting.
Aural Atrophic Nervous Collapse: The mind gradually shuts down and ceases to function externally as a result of incessant bombardment with preposterous and irrational ideas.
A Humor Times telephone poll of 1,017 registered Trump supporters produced the following responses:
Jack G., a currently unemployed truck driver from Abilene, Texas said, “What does she know? Donald Trump talks my language. My mental problems are from seven ex-wives, not Donald Trump.”
A carpenter from Banville, Indiana who asked to be referred to only as “The Trumpinator” replied, “I think it’s time we started listening to the real experts in the White House instead of some woman in a mental institute.”
Carol M., a postal worker from Tupelo, Mississippi responded, “He’s fine. That’s just the Clove Oil Virus talking.”
White House spokesman Hobart Giddily issued the following statement: “The president is, this is just fake news, the president is a great speaker and the world leaders know this, the president has mental powers. His uncle was a great, great brilliant man. Brilliant MIT man. Brilliant Harvard. Brilliant Wharton. The president understands things. He knows banking. Knows ISIS. He has closed the door to Mexicans. Mexican door closed. Closed the door to the Chinese. Chinese door closed.
“That is why America loves his speeches. Great speeches. Great first lady. The world leaders call him about this. Beautiful speeches. Not Chinese speeches. Great beautiful American speeches. The president understands things. People wonder how he can know so much. World leaders call him about this all the time. His speeches made America great again.”


humortimes--2020-03-28--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews New York Governor Andrew Cuomo

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his Aunt Gina Tortellini .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today my guests are New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his Aunt Gina Tortellini .
I am the smartest person in politics .
Have you heard my daily briefings on the COVID-19 pandemic ?
My Aunt Gina will educate you , Duncan .
( speaks with Italian accent ) Thank a you , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What is coronavirus ?
So I a tell them .
What the hell a do I know ?
I think it comes from beer .
I do know there are a things you need a to do to stay a healthy .
First .
Wash a your hands with soap and water for a 20 seconds .
God knows where they have a been .
Favorite a spots for fingers are inside the nose or a belly button .
Second .
Stay away from a Harvey Weinstein .
Third .
Make a sure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ If it ’ s a brown , you need to a flush it down .
We get it .
Shut up your face .
Duncan .
Cousin Sal will a make you disappear in the East River !
Hold on Aunt Gina .
I cut a deal with all the crime families .
No bodies floating in the East River until the coronavirus ends .
I thank you , Governor .
On a sad note .
Did you hear about the Italian chef in Little Italy that died ?
I ’ m gon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and ficcalo nel culo .
Shove it uppa your ass !
Capiche ?
Wow .
Governor Cumo , you have quite the resume .
In 1997 , Secretary of Housing and Urban Development in the Clinton Administration .
In 2006 , elected Attorney General of New York .
In 2010 , elected Governor of New York .
I introduced the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. Raised taxes on the wealthy and lowered taxes for the middle class .
And a list of legislative accomplishments a mile long .
And he a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ soldi .
Lots of money .
Kerry Kennedy was a wonderful woman .
The only complaint was that my wallet was too small to hold all of the $ 100 bills for my allowance .
After 15 years , I divorced her because she bought an island and forgot to buy the people .
He was a miserable with her .
Didn ’ t take long for you to hook up with that hot television chef Sandra Lee .
I told Sandra if you come to my house on Black Friday , all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It worked .
And they a were together for 14 a years .
The coronavirus is a Democrat hoax .
More people die from the flu .
This is all going to end before Easter .
That ’ s the absolute deadline .
And you ’ re an idiot .
The coronavirus could spread even worse .
And why the hell are you still here ?
You ’ re considered a non-essential worker .
No collusion .
No obstruction .
The perfect call .
The perfect call .
Hey , Stupido .
Where @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one million hospital masks you promised New York ?
No clue .
I need to call my shipping clerk Dr. Ben Carson .
Carson ?
!
He ’ s so dumb that he tried to save your son Barron ’ s goldfish from drowning .
He did ?
I ’ m going to give him the Medal of Freedom .
Medal of Freedom .
Don ’ t a piss a me off , Trumpster .
I ’ m a running out of places to hide the bodies .
Before you a do .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ honor .
She ’ s a called the Trump sandwich .
White a bread , full of a baloney , with Russian a dressing and a small a pickle .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his Aunt Gina Tortellini.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today my guests are New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and his Aunt Gina Tortellini.
JERRY
Welcome Governor Cuomo and Ms. Tortellini.
GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO
I am the smartest person in politics. Have you heard my daily briefings on the COVID-19 pandemic?
JERRY
I flunked chemistry. Boring.
CUOMO
My Aunt Gina will educate you, Duncan.
GINA TORTELLINI
(speaks with Italian accent) Thank a you, Andrew. People ask a me. What is coronavirus? So I a tell them. What the hell a do I know? I think it comes from beer. I do know there are a things you need a to do to stay a healthy.
First. Wash a your hands with soap and water for a 20 seconds. God knows where they have a been. Favorite a spots for fingers are inside the nose or a belly button.
Second. Stay away from a Harvey Weinstein.
Third. Make a sure you have enough a toilet paper. If it’s a brown, you need to a flush it down.
Fourth. You need to…
JERRY
We get it. Shut up your face.
TORTELLINI
Duncan. Cousin Sal will a make you disappear in the East River!
CUOMO
Hold on Aunt Gina. I cut a deal with all the crime families. No bodies floating in the East River until the coronavirus ends.
JERRY
I thank you, Governor. On a sad note. Did you hear about the Italian chef in Little Italy that died?
CUOMO
No.
JERRY
He pasta away.
TORTELLINI
I’m gonna take a meat a ball sandwich and ficcalo nel culo. Shove it uppa your ass! Capiche?
JERRY
Got the memo.
JERRY
Wow. Governor Cumo, you have quite the resume. In 1997, Secretary of Housing and Urban Development in the Clinton Administration. In 2006, elected Attorney General of New York. In 2010, elected Governor of New York.
CUOMO
I introduced the strictest gun control laws in the U.S. Raised taxes on the wealthy and lowered taxes for the middle class. And a list of legislative accomplishments a mile long.
TORTELLINI
And he a married a Kennedy. Un sacco di soldi. Lots of money.
CUOMO
Kerry Kennedy was a wonderful woman. The only complaint was that my wallet was too small to hold all of the $100 bills for my allowance. After 15 years, I divorced her because she bought an island and forgot to buy the people.
TORTELLINI
He was a miserable with her.
JERRY
Didn’t take long for you to hook up with that hot television chef Sandra Lee.
CUOMO
I told Sandra if you come to my house on Black Friday, all clothes will be 100 percent off. It worked.
TORTELLINI
And they a were together for 14 a years.
Donald Trump bursts through the studio door.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
The coronavirus is a Democrat hoax. More people die from the flu. This is all going to end before Easter. That’s the absolute deadline.
JERRY
And you’re an idiot. The coronavirus could spread even worse. And why the hell are you still here? You’re considered a non-essential worker.
TRUMP
No collusion. No obstruction. The perfect call. The perfect call.
CUOMO
Hey, Stupido. Where’s the thirty thousand ventilators and one million hospital masks you promised New York?
TRUMP
No clue. I need to call my shipping clerk Dr. Ben Carson.
CUOMO
Carson?! He’s so dumb that he tried to save your son Barron’s goldfish from drowning.
TRUMP
He did? I’m going to give him the Medal of Freedom. Medal of Freedom.
TORTELLINI
Don’t a piss a me off, Trumpster. I’m a running out of places to hide the bodies.
TRUMP
Gotta go.
TORTELLINI
Before you a do. I made a sandwich in your a honor.
TRUMP
Very nice. Very nice.
TORTELLINI
She’s a called the Trump sandwich. White a bread, full of a baloney, with Russian a dressing and a small a pickle.
TRUMP
Very bad. Very bad.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.