humortimes--2020-07-26--More News That’s Unfit to Print

More News That’s Unfit to Print

Unfit to Print : So we ’ ll just put it online .
At a White House event earlier this month , Goya Foods CEO , Bob Unanue , remarked that Americans were truly blessed to have Donald Trump as president .
Republicans were elated to hear such praise from the Hispanic business leader .
However , many in the Hispanic community were outraged and began boycotting the company ’ s products .
But last Friday , in an interview with Fox News , the president stated that the boycott of Goya Foods by stone cold losers backfired claiming that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The radical left smear machine , he said , has “ Made Goya Great Again.
” Trump praised Goya ’ s Bean King , whom he declared “ was a good hombre who I think is in this country legally , so we probably don ’ t need to deport him.
” The president followed up by saying that he loves the Hispanic people .
“ I have great respect for them and they like me.
” But he added that he had a problem with Latinos and Puerto Ricans who he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and they bring drugs and crime .
Many of them will need to be deported along with Chris Wallace.
” The president continued on saying that no one knows the Hispanic people and their culture better than he does and that “ he and his family observe Cinco de Mayo every year , which everyone knows is the celebration of Hispanicia gaining its independence from England after a big beautiful war.
” Trump went on to say that he also loves tacos claiming that “ nobody loves Taco Bell more than me .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ then mentioned that he has been to Hispanicia many times and that “ it is a beautiful country , not like the other s**thole countries in Africa.
” He concluded the interview by inviting Mr. Unanue to join him next month when he travels to that country to visit its leader , President Montezuma .
The director of the CDC recently claimed that if every American wore a face mask for the next four to six weeks we could significantly slow down the transmission of Covid-19 in the United States .
However , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is going to happen as President Trump isn ’ t a fan of face masks .
In fact , earlier this week , a White House spokesperson , who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity , indicated that the president was planning to sign an executive order adding a new Commandment to the original ten .
The new edict will say “ Thou shalt not wear unto thee any annoying face masks.
” He indicated that Trump believed this rule will be the greatest one since the second Commandment which , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shalt not infringe on the right to bear arms.
” The spokesperson added that Trump planned to sign another executive order that will drop that pesky Commandment about adultery which the president claimed was too difficult to abide by .
He said Trump believed that he had the power to revise God ’ s laws since he is The Chosen One .
National Football League Commissioner , Roger Goodell , announced this week that , despite the pandemic , the NFL season will begin as scheduled in September .
However , because of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the game to ensure player safety .
By far the biggest change will be that , instead of tackling the player with the ball to stop his forward motion , defensive players would have to pull out the ball carrier ’ s flag .
But he noted that the using of a confederate flag would be a personal foul and a 15 yard penalty .
Goodell said that players had some protection from the virus as they already wore face masks but they would now be required to wear a N95 mask @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that is attached to their helmet .
And social distancing would be observed where possible .
For instance , since it ’ s recommended that people don ’ t congregate in groups larger than ten , one player would have to stay out of the huddle and the hurry up , no huddle offense would be recommended .
The Commissioner believes that the game could be played with significant social distancing noting that the Detroit Lion ’ s defense has been doing it for the last forty years .
Goodell said that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ season could proceed safely .

Unfit to Print: So we’ll just put it online.
Goya, Oh Boya
At a White House event earlier this month, Goya Foods CEO, Bob Unanue, remarked that Americans were truly blessed to have Donald Trump as president. Republicans were elated to hear such praise from the Hispanic business leader. However, many in the Hispanic community were outraged and began boycotting the company’s products.
But last Friday, in an interview with Fox News, the president stated that the boycott of Goya Foods by stone cold losers backfired claiming that people are buying their products like crazy. The radical left smear machine, he said, has “Made Goya Great Again.”
Trump praised Goya’s Bean King, whom he declared “was a good hombre who I think is in this country legally, so we probably don’t need to deport him.” The president followed up by saying that he loves the Hispanic people. “I have great respect for them and they like me.” But he added that he had a problem with Latinos and Puerto Ricans who he said “come to our country illegally and they bring drugs and crime. Many of them will need to be deported along with Chris Wallace.”
The president continued on saying that no one knows the Hispanic people and their culture better than he does and that “he and his family observe Cinco de Mayo every year, which everyone knows is the celebration of Hispanicia gaining its independence from England after a big beautiful war.” Trump went on to say that he also loves tacos claiming that “nobody loves Taco Bell more than me. That I can tell you.”
He then mentioned that he has been to Hispanicia many times and that “it is a beautiful country, not like the other s**thole countries in Africa.” He concluded the interview by inviting Mr. Unanue to join him next month when he travels to that country to visit its leader, President Montezuma.
Unmasked
The director of the CDC recently claimed that if every American wore a face mask for the next four to six weeks we could significantly slow down the transmission of Covid-19 in the United States. However, it doesn’t appear that this is going to happen as President Trump isn’t a fan of face masks.
In fact, earlier this week, a White House spokesperson, who agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, indicated that the president was planning to sign an executive order adding a new Commandment to the original ten. The new edict will say “Thou shalt not wear unto thee any annoying face masks.” He indicated that Trump believed this rule will be the greatest one since the second Commandment which, of course, states that “Thou shalt not infringe on the right to bear arms.”
The spokesperson added that Trump planned to sign another executive order that will drop that pesky Commandment about adultery which the president claimed was too difficult to abide by. He said Trump believed that he had the power to revise God’s laws since he is The Chosen One.
Kickoff Time
National Football League Commissioner, Roger Goodell, announced this week that, despite the pandemic, the NFL season will begin as scheduled in September. However, because of the coronavirus there would be some changes to the game to ensure player safety.
By far the biggest change will be that, instead of tackling the player with the ball to stop his forward motion, defensive players would have to pull out the ball carrier’s flag. But he noted that the using of a confederate flag would be a personal foul and a 15 yard penalty.
Goodell said that players had some protection from the virus as they already wore face masks but they would now be required to wear a N95 mask while playing along with the face mask that is attached to their helmet.
And social distancing would be observed where possible. For instance, since it’s recommended that people don’t congregate in groups larger than ten, one player would have to stay out of the huddle and the hurry up, no huddle offense would be recommended. The Commissioner believes that the game could be played with significant social distancing noting that the Detroit Lion’s defense has been doing it for the last forty years.
Goodell said that, with these changes, he thought the season could proceed safely.


humortimes--2020-07-26--What Trump DIDN’T Say on Chris Wallace Interview: Top 10

I watched it & so did you !
Finally , Chris Wallace of Fox News gave us a true glimpse into the tortured mind of our American President .
Watching the Chris Wallace interview was like looking thru a one-way mirror in a psych ward watching the truth serum kick in .
So did you hear what I heard ?
10 .
‘ Kayleigh , get me ‘ Lie # 296′ in the binder ’ !
9 .
‘ Kids today !
When I had the sniffles – my father would read me “ Mein Kampf ‘ !
8 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ grudge & never mix them up – but I do think Joe O ’ Biden will lose ’ !
7 .
‘ My favorite Beautiful War was the Civil War…loved it when Cap ’ n Butler finally gave Prissy minimum wage ’ !
6 .
‘ My niece Mary , The Tramp ; will never help me launder my money again ’ !
5 .
She actually said in her book , my father ’ s monster had been set free – but I can dance !
I watch , I read , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
‘ I know my History – 1492 was the first time someone ate Green Bean Casserole ’ !
2 .
‘ And , in the year 1619 – they put Fried Onions on it ’ !
And # 1… ’ You know , I always said I ’ ll probably go to hell & I ’ ll be right eventually ’ !

I watched it & so did you! Finally, Chris Wallace of Fox News gave us a true glimpse into the tortured mind of our American President.
Watching the Chris Wallace interview was like looking thru a one-way mirror in a psych ward watching the truth serum kick in.
So did you hear what I heard?
10. ‘Kayleigh, get me ‘Lie #296′ in the binder’!
9. ‘Kids today! When I had the sniffles – my father would read me “Mein Kampf‘!
8. ‘I don’t have a grudge & never mix them up – but I do think Joe O’Biden will lose’!
7. ‘My favorite Beautiful War was the Civil War…loved it when Cap’n Butler finally gave Prissy minimum wage’!
6. ‘My niece Mary, The Tramp; will never help me launder my money again’!
5. She actually said in her book, my father’s monster had been set free – but I can dance!
Mel Brooks, “Young Frankenstein” 1974
4. ‘Don’t tell Melania I love Porn!
I watch, I read, look at the stuff’!
3. ‘I know my History – 1492 was the first time someone ate Green Bean Casserole’!
2. ‘And, in the year 1619 – they put Fried Onions on it’!
And #1…’You know, I always said I’ll probably go to hell & I’ll be right eventually’!


humortimes--2020-07-26--Washington Nationals Sign Fauci

Washington Nationals Sign Fauci

After the famed immunologist threw the first pitch in their home opener , the Washington Nationals had to sign him .
The Washington Nationals stunned the baseball world today when they signed Dr. Anthony Fauci to a one-year contract .
The National ’ s manager , Dave Martinez , said that he saw the famed immunologist throw the first pitch at their home opener against the New York Yankees and he knew immediately that he had to sign him .
Martinez explained that he had never seen such a wicked curve ball .
“ It curved so much it almost @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he said .
“ No one could have hit that pitch .
Babe Ruth couldn ’ t have hit it even with a 10-foot pole.
” Martinez said he was also surprised at the velocity of the curve ball which he said was clocked at almost 25 miles an hour .
The coach did , however , admit that the ball was a little low and outside and that Fauci would need to work on his control , but he didn ’ t see a problem in the long run .
The move @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one , Dr Fauci hasn ’ t participated in the sport since he played for his Catholic Youth Organization Team , the St. Bernadette Grasshoppers and back then he was a shortstop , not a pitcher .
Also , there is the question of his age .
At age 79 he will be as old as the average player ’ s grandfather .
But Coach Martinez said that age wouldn ’ t be an issue as Fauci would be used as a late inning relief pitcher who would only come out of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It was clear that the Nationals needed to upgrade their bullpen in 2020 but the addition of Fauci was surprising since the team had already added two of the top six free agent relievers in the off season .
Some questioned if the doctor would have the time to pitch for the baseball team since he was already playing for the Trump Administration Coronavirus Task Force Team , but recently it had become clear that Fauci had been relegated to sitting on the Trump team ’ s bench and would likely be getting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mild mannered doctor would balk at playing for such a volatile coach as Martinez .
The Washington manager was thrown out of Game 6 of the 2019 World Series for arguing a questionable interference call .
He had become so livid over the call that he had to be held back by assistant coaches .
But Fauci said that Martinez would be a barrel of laughs compared to Trump .
Fauci went on to say that he thought that he would be an excellent reliever as no one is more relieved to leave @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Yankee Manager Aaron Boone , who also saw Fauci ’ s pitch expressed disappointment that the Yankees hadn ’ t thought to sign him .
White House coronavirus task force coordinator Dr. Deborah Birx privately told a group of state and local health officials on Friday that she was hoping to throw out the first pitch in the National ’ s next home game .

After the famed immunologist threw the first pitch in their home opener, the Washington Nationals had to sign him.
The Washington Nationals stunned the baseball world today when they signed Dr. Anthony Fauci to a one-year contract. The National’s manager, Dave Martinez, said that he saw the famed immunologist throw the first pitch at their home opener against the New York Yankees and he knew immediately that he had to sign him.
Martinez explained that he had never seen such a wicked curve ball. “It curved so much it almost ended up on first base,” he said. “No one could have hit that pitch. Babe Ruth couldn’t have hit it even with a 10-foot pole.” Martinez said he was also surprised at the velocity of the curve ball which he said was clocked at almost 25 miles an hour. The coach did, however, admit that the ball was a little low and outside and that Fauci would need to work on his control, but he didn’t see a problem in the long run.
The move was surprising for several reasons. For one, Dr Fauci hasn’t participated in the sport since he played for his Catholic Youth Organization Team, the St. Bernadette Grasshoppers and back then he was a shortstop, not a pitcher.
Also, there is the question of his age. At age 79 he will be as old as the average player’s grandfather. But Coach Martinez said that age wouldn’t be an issue as Fauci would be used as a late inning relief pitcher who would only come out of the bullpen for an inning or two.
It was clear that the Nationals needed to upgrade their bullpen in 2020 but the addition of Fauci was surprising since the team had already added two of the top six free agent relievers in the off season.
Some questioned if the doctor would have the time to pitch for the baseball team since he was already playing for the Trump Administration Coronavirus Task Force Team, but recently it had become clear that Fauci had been relegated to sitting on the Trump team’s bench and would likely be getting cut soon.
Others wondered if the mild mannered doctor would balk at playing for such a volatile coach as Martinez. The Washington manager was thrown out of Game 6 of the 2019 World Series for arguing a questionable interference call. He had become so livid over the call that he had to be held back by assistant coaches. But Fauci said that Martinez would be a barrel of laughs compared to Trump. Fauci went on to say that he thought that he would be an excellent reliever as no one is more relieved to leave The Trump Coronavirus Task Force than him.
Yankee Manager Aaron Boone, who also saw Fauci’s pitch expressed disappointment that the Yankees hadn’t thought to sign him.
White House coronavirus task force coordinator Dr. Deborah Birx privately told a group of state and local health officials on Friday that she was hoping to throw out the first pitch in the National’s next home game.


humortimes--2020-07-26--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Author Mary Trump

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Mary Trump , niece of Donald Trump and author of the book “ Too Much and Never Enough.
” Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today on the show my guest is Mary Trump , niece of Donald Trump and author of the book Too Much and Never Enough .
Good morning , Mary .
How does your garden grow ?
With silver bells and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ row .
I have a PH.D. in clinical psychology .
I can read your mind .
You ’ re not so smart .
I have a degree in Ping Pong Management from Trump University .
I won ’ t even go there , Mr. Duncan .
In your new book , you say Donald Trump is the most dangerous man in the world .
Why do you think ?
Aside from being a putz , Donald has an antisocial disorder , chronic criminality , arrogance and disregard for the rights of others .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ late father Freddy was bullied to death by your Uncle Donald and Grandpa Fred .
When my dad told his father that he didn ’ t want to go into the family business , grandpa branded him the black sheep .
He was so spiteful that he changed his will so dad wouldn ’ t receive an inheritance .
All because he was a pilot for TWA .
Yep .
Dad started drinking anything he could get his hands on .
He became an alcoholic .
Lost his job , wife and self-esteem @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were left to fend for ourselves .
You had it rough .
But think how many farts a couch has to endure in silence .
Sad .
Do you know the definition of bravery ?
Thank you .
I didn ’ t learn that in graduate school .
The Trumpster has done a horrible job with the Coronavirus .
There are 4 million Americans that have tested positive .
The worst of any country in the world .
Yeah .
Uncle Donald said it would just disappear .
Kind of like his tax @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scoundrel .
We know your grandfather Fred was a vindictive asshole .
What about your grandmother ?
She was nasty .
We called her Gam .
She always threatened to withhold money to my mom when dad was terminally ill. Said my dad was a whole lot of nothing after he died .
Even removed me from my grandfather ’ s will which I found out after Gam died .
Is it true Grandpa Fred and Gam poured millions of dollars into Donald ’ s business ventures including 3 casinos that went bankrupt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ genius Donald Trump lost $ 600 million of their money .
The truth is my grandparents only cared about one child .
Donald was the anointed one .
He could do no wrong .
For sure .
Kodak Film Company filed for bankruptcy .
More details as the story develops .
Sounds like there was no love in the Trump family .
True .
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it .
If I didn ’ t have to hustle my book , I ’ d change my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you .
I ’ m sorry .
I ’ m still thinking about the set of underwear Donald and Ivana bought me for Christmas one year .
I should have regifted to Don Jr , because it was Spider Man .
Did you know the internet was invented by Spiderman ?
That ’ s why it is called The World Wide Web .
If you could say one thing to Donald , what would it be ?
When I look into your eyes , I see the back of your empty head .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Mary Trump, niece of Donald Trump and author of the book “Too Much and Never Enough.”
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Mary Trump, niece of Donald Trump and author of the book Too Much and Never Enough.
JERRY
Good morning, Mary. How does your garden grow?
MARY TRUMP
With silver bells and cockleshells. And pretty maids in a row. I have a PH.D. in clinical psychology. I can read your mind.
JERRY
You’re not so smart. I have a degree in Ping Pong Management from Trump University.
MARY
I won’t even go there, Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
In your new book, you say Donald Trump is the most dangerous man in the world. Why do you think?
MARY
Aside from being a putz, Donald has an antisocial disorder, chronic criminality, arrogance and disregard for the rights of others.
JERRY
He certainly disregarded your family. Your late father Freddy was bullied to death by your Uncle Donald and Grandpa Fred.
MARY
When my dad told his father that he didn’t want to go into the family business, grandpa branded him the black sheep. He was so spiteful that he changed his will so dad wouldn’t receive an inheritance.
JERRY
All because he was a pilot for TWA.
MARY
Yep. Dad started drinking anything he could get his hands on. He became an alcoholic. Lost his job, wife and self-esteem. My brother, mom and I were left to fend for ourselves.
JERRY
You had it rough. But think how many farts a couch has to endure in silence. Sad.
MARY
We were brave.
JERRY
Do you know the definition of bravery?
MARY
Not really.
JERRY
Having diarrhea and chancing a fart.
MARY
Thank you. I didn’t learn that in graduate school.
JERRY
The Trumpster has done a horrible job with the Coronavirus. There are 4 million Americans that have tested positive. The worst of any country in the world.
MARY
Yeah. Uncle Donald said it would just disappear. Kind of like his tax returns and former wives. What a scoundrel.
JERRY
We know your grandfather Fred was a vindictive asshole. What about your grandmother?
MARY
She was nasty. We called her Gam. She always threatened to withhold money to my mom when dad was terminally ill. Said my dad was a whole lot of nothing after he died. Even removed me from my grandfather’s will which I found out after Gam died.
JERRY
Is it true Grandpa Fred and Gam poured millions of dollars into Donald’s business ventures including 3 casinos that went bankrupt in Atlantic City?
MARY
Absolutely. The genius Donald Trump lost $600 million of their money. The truth is my grandparents only cared about one child. Donald was the anointed one. He could do no wrong.
JERRY
Not surprising. He’s tanking the United States economy.
MARY
For sure. Kodak Film Company filed for bankruptcy. More details as the story develops.
JERRY
Sounds like there was no love in the Trump family.
MARY
True. I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it. If I didn’t have to hustle my book, I’d change my last name to Glump.
JERRY
That’s not very upbeat.
MARY
Either are you.
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that, Miss Trumpster.
MARY
I’m sorry. I’m still thinking about the set of underwear Donald and Ivana bought me for Christmas one year. I should have regifted to Don Jr, because it was Spider Man.
JERRY
Did you know the internet was invented by Spiderman?
MARY
No.
JERRY
That’s why it is called The World Wide Web.
JERRY
If you could say one thing to Donald, what would it be?
MARY
When I look into your eyes, I see the back of your empty head. Resign.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-07-26--Who Else Did Donald Trump ‘Wish Well’?

Who Else Did Donald Trump ‘Wish Well’?

Trump ’ s sainted mother always told him to eat his peas , read his Corinthians & wish people well .
Now , Anthony Scaramucci & well , anybody with a pulse , thinks that his ‘ wish well ’ comment is ‘ Trump Code ’ for ‘ I ’ ll take care of you , if you take care of me ’ or ‘ Remember what happened to Jeffrey Epstein ‘ !
Not counting Paul Manafort , Michael Flynn , Roger Stone & Woman-without-Shoelaces , Sex Trafficker & twitching genitalia , Ghislaine Maxwell – there were many more people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve left out those that have or will write best-selling books like Mary Trump ’ s , John Bolton ’ s & Melania ’ s Diary !
I ’ ve also left out guys who should ’ ve known better : Generals H.R .
McMaster , John Kelly & James Mattis .
And , tops in their field : James Clapper , John Brennan & George Papadopoulos !
Fiona Hill , Sally Yates & Maria Yovanovitch have stood their ground & deserve to get the first shots of vaccine or Jack Daniels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ return from Ireland when the coast is clear !
Mick Romney can come out when I give the sign !
Long-suffering George Conway knows where the bodies are buried ; but if he stays married , he ’ ll be fine !
I ’ ve weeded-out thousands more that Trump may have given the same threat…I mean wish & here ’ s my Top Ten .
If you ’ re having trouble placing these individuals – you just haven ’ t been paying attention…geez , it ’ s only been 3 1/2 years @ @ @

Trump’s sainted mother always told him to eat his peas, read his Corinthians & wish people well.
Now, Anthony Scaramucci & well, anybody with a pulse, thinks that his ‘wish well’ comment is ‘Trump Code’ for ‘I’ll take care of you, if you take care of me’ or ‘Remember what happened to Jeffrey Epstein‘!
Not counting Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, Roger Stone & Woman-without-Shoelaces, Sex Trafficker & twitching genitalia, Ghislaine Maxwell – there were many more people who our President wished well!
I’ve left out those that have or will write best-selling books like Mary Trump’s, John Bolton’s & Melania’s Diary!
I’ve also left out guys who should’ve known better: Generals H.R. McMaster, John Kelly & James Mattis.
And, tops in their field: James Clapper, John Brennan & George Papadopoulos!
Fiona Hill, Sally Yates & Maria Yovanovitch have stood their ground & deserve to get the first shots of vaccine or Jack Daniels!
Andrew McCabe & Don McGahn can return from Ireland when the coast is clear!
Mick Romney can come out when I give the sign!
Long-suffering George Conway knows where the bodies are buried; but if he stays married, he’ll be fine!
I’ve weeded-out thousands more that Trump may have given the same threat…I mean wish & here’s my Top Ten.
If you’re having trouble placing these individuals – you just haven’t been paying attention…geez, it’s only been 3 1/2 years! ha ha
10. Omarosa
9. James Comey
8. Christopher Steele
7. Rex Tillerson
6. Joe Scarborough
5. Stormy Daniels
4. Jeff Sessions
3. Adam Schiff
2. Rosie O’Donnell
And #1 ‘The 2 Lovers’…Strzok & Page!


humortimes--2020-07-26--The Exceptional Greed of Health Care Executives

The sickening greed perpetrated by U.S. health care executives contributes to an alarming rise in serious errors in understaffed pharmacies .
Sometimes I don ’ t know whether to weep uncontrollably , laugh hysterically or just throw up .
I recently did all three when I came across yet another outbreak of sickening greed pouring out of America ’ s corporate executive suites during today ’ s raging health crisis .
What made this one especially nauseating was that the perpetrators are corporate honchos and major health care executives !
Leading this greed brigade is Larry Merlo , CEO of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , CVS .
While much of our economy has been shut down by the COVID-19 pandemic , this billion-dollar giant has customers surging in to get everything from medications to masks .
Yet , in this time of great need , the boss and the board of CVS have blithely presided over scenes of chaos in many of their stores , which have been so severely understaffed that they pose a danger to public health .
The chain ’ s pharmacists tell of frantically scrambling to keep up with filling prescriptions , answering @ @ @ @ @ @ @ COVID tests , stocking toilet paper , tending the drive-through , etc .
— while also having to meet ceaseless corporate demands for cost cutting and more profit .
The result has been a dangerous work overload , with many pharmacists handling nearly 200 prescriptions in a nonstop , six-hour shift , about one every two minutes .
Unsurprisingly , there ’ s been an alarming rise in serious errors and weeklong delays in providing critical medications for customers .
The New York Times reports that one CVS pharmacist has no control over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s district leader has no power to make changes .
So , not only does the buck stop at the top but so does a big chunk of the corporate bucks .
While CEO Merlo has failed to fund the staff his pharmacies and the public clearly need , he has generously funded his own needs … and then some .
He paid himself $ 36.5 million last year alone .
Then there is the mountain of interest payments and fees that CVS is paying to Wall Street bankers and lawyers who engineered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over the Aetna health insurance giant last year .
So , while you ’ re being underserved at a local CVS , just remember that Boss Man Merlo and his merger mercenaries are making a killing .
How comforting is that ?
The holy mantra of health professionals was coined about 2,500 years ago by the Greek physician Hippocrates : “ Do no harm.
” Of course , that was before corporate health care took charge and a new paramount ethic was engraved on America ’ s big chain hospitals : “ Jack @ @ @ @ @ @ @ action , check out the COVID money grab and executive greed being exhibited by the largest and richest hospital baronies .
A New York Times analysis of the finances of 60 highly profitable , deep-pocketed giants — such as HCA , Tenet , and Providence — revealed that they had rushed to the front of the pandemic bailout line this spring to pull $ 15 billion from the government ’ s emergency fund .
They pocketed the taxpayers ’ money despite sitting on tens of billions of dollars of their own cash reserves @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it gets much stinkier .
These bailout allotments were supposed to keep hospital workers on the job , yet the wealthiest chains promptly hit nurses , janitors and other crucial frontline staffers with layoffs , pay cuts and deadly shortages of protective gear .
For example , HCA , the behemoth worth $ 36 billion , snatched a billion-dollar taxpayer bailout for itself and then demanded that its nurses and low-paid staffers accept wage freezes , elimination of company pension payments and other cuts … or it would eliminate thousands of jobs .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ exec , Samuel Hazen , suddenly showed solidarity with lowly workers by donating $ 237,000 ( two months of his reported $ 1.4 million salary ) to a worker support fund .
How magnanimous !
But wait again .
Hazen ’ s generosity is a deception , not a sacrifice .
The trick is that a CEO ’ s “ salary ” is a miniscule part of total pay .
His annual bonus , stock payouts and other compensation raise his actual yearly haul to $ 26 million !
So his donation is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and he almost certainly will write that off his income taxes .
So we taxpayers ( including the nurses and others he ’ s knocking down ) not only underwrite his fat take-home but also subsidize his face-saving philanthropic gimmick .
Meanwhile , having endangered and infuriated HCA ’ s workforce , Hazen has launched “ a new line of business ” : an HCA subsidiary to hire and train hospital strikebreakers .
To entice scabs , he offers a $ 150 “ Show Up ” bonus and — get this — @ @ @ @ @ @ @ here is a raging virus of executive-suite greed doing deeper damage to our society than COVID-19 ever could .

The sickening greed perpetrated by U.S. health care executives contributes to an alarming rise in serious errors in understaffed pharmacies.
Sometimes I don’t know whether to weep uncontrollably, laugh hysterically or just throw up. I recently did all three when I came across yet another outbreak of sickening greed pouring out of America’s corporate executive suites during today’s raging health crisis. What made this one especially nauseating was that the perpetrators are corporate honchos and major health care executives!
Leading this greed brigade is Larry Merlo, CEO of our country’s largest drugstore chain, CVS. While much of our economy has been shut down by the COVID-19 pandemic, this billion-dollar giant has customers surging in to get everything from medications to masks. Yet, in this time of great need, the boss and the board of CVS have blithely presided over scenes of chaos in many of their stores, which have been so severely understaffed that they pose a danger to public health.
The chain’s pharmacists tell of frantically scrambling to keep up with filling prescriptions, answering ever-ringing phone inquiries, giving shots and COVID tests, stocking toilet paper, tending the drive-through, etc. — while also having to meet ceaseless corporate demands for cost cutting and more profit. The result has been a dangerous work overload, with many pharmacists handling nearly 200 prescriptions in a nonstop, six-hour shift, about one every two minutes. Unsurprisingly, there’s been an alarming rise in serious errors and weeklong delays in providing critical medications for customers. The New York Times reports that one CVS pharmacist has no control over staffing, and even the chain’s district leader has no power to make changes.
So, not only does the buck stop at the top but so does a big chunk of the corporate bucks. While CEO Merlo has failed to fund the staff his pharmacies and the public clearly need, he has generously funded his own needs … and then some. He paid himself $36.5 million last year alone. Then there is the mountain of interest payments and fees that CVS is paying to Wall Street bankers and lawyers who engineered Merlo’s monopolistic deal to take over the Aetna health insurance giant last year.
So, while you’re being underserved at a local CVS, just remember that Boss Man Merlo and his merger mercenaries are making a killing. How comforting is that?
The holy mantra of health professionals was coined about 2,500 years ago by the Greek physician Hippocrates: “Do no harm.”
Of course, that was before corporate health care took charge and a new paramount ethic was engraved on America’s big chain hospitals: “Jack up profits.” To see it in action, check out the COVID money grab and executive greed being exhibited by the largest and richest hospital baronies. A New York Times analysis of the finances of 60 highly profitable, deep-pocketed giants — such as HCA, Tenet, and Providence — revealed that they had rushed to the front of the pandemic bailout line this spring to pull $15 billion from the government’s emergency fund. They pocketed the taxpayers’ money despite sitting on tens of billions of dollars of their own cash reserves.
But hold your nose, for it gets much stinkier. These bailout allotments were supposed to keep hospital workers on the job, yet the wealthiest chains promptly hit nurses, janitors and other crucial frontline staffers with layoffs, pay cuts and deadly shortages of protective gear. For example, HCA, the behemoth worth $36 billion, snatched a billion-dollar taxpayer bailout for itself and then demanded that its nurses and low-paid staffers accept wage freezes, elimination of company pension payments and other cuts … or it would eliminate thousands of jobs.
But wait: HCA’s chief exec, Samuel Hazen, suddenly showed solidarity with lowly workers by donating $237,000 (two months of his reported $1.4 million salary) to a worker support fund. How magnanimous! But wait again. Hazen’s generosity is a deception, not a sacrifice. The trick is that a CEO’s “salary” is a miniscule part of total pay. His annual bonus, stock payouts and other compensation raise his actual yearly haul to $26 million! So his donation is less than 1% of his pay, and he almost certainly will write that off his income taxes. So we taxpayers (including the nurses and others he’s knocking down) not only underwrite his fat take-home but also subsidize his face-saving philanthropic gimmick.
Meanwhile, having endangered and infuriated HCA’s workforce, Hazen has launched “a new line of business”: an HCA subsidiary to hire and train hospital strikebreakers. To entice scabs, he offers a $150 “Show Up” bonus and — get this — a continental breakfast!
What we have here is a raging virus of executive-suite greed doing deeper damage to our society than COVID-19 ever could.


humortimes--2020-07-29--Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/28/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/28/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coach on the Yankees & Nationals took a knee before the national anthem tonight in D.C But to be fair , maybe they were ducking in case Dr. Fauci threw out another first ball !
Her dad , Prince Andrew , didn ’ t give away the bride… instead he traded her for two bridesmaids and flower girl to be named later .
Trump claims people need more water pressure in their bathrooms … welp , what do you expect after eating all those cans of Goya beans ?
Mark Zuckerberg surfboards in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he actually is that white .
A Trump vs. Biden debate should just be Biden saying , “ No , you go ahead .
Keep talking.
” Dakota Johnson came out as bisexual Calm down , people .
All that does is double the amount of people who don ’ t have a shot .
Taylor Swift drops new album , ‘ Folklore , ’ she did while in self quarantine Damn , and , I still haven ’ t decided whether to go with alphabetical or size to organize my spice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all who wished Bob Dole a ‘ happy birthday ’ on Bob Dole ’ s birthday .
Seattle Kraken is new name for Seattle ’ s NHL franchise No word if their new arena will be known as the Krackhouse .
White House touts coming executive order on healthcare , saying it will “ have teeth ” House Republicans lash out at Liz Cheney over Trump criticism Cheney is one step away from offering her fellow GOP Congress people free hunting trips with her Dad .
Kanye West claims in rally Harriet Tubman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do I get the feeling Harriet Tubman would ’ ve given Kanye the wrong departure time of when Underground Railroad was leaving the “ station ?
” Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became first human beings to land on moon , 51 years ago today And they still haven ’ t been able to retrieve their luggage .
… guess that means from now on Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham can only Zoom …

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Every player and coach on the Yankees & Nationals took a knee before the national anthem tonight in D.C
But to be fair, maybe they were ducking in case Dr. Fauci threw out another first ball!
Princess Beatrice got hitched in a private ceremony
Her dad, Prince Andrew, didn’t give away the bride… instead he traded her for two bridesmaids and flower girl to be named later.
Trump claims people need more water pressure in their bathrooms
… welp, what do you expect after eating all those cans of Goya beans?
Mark Zuckerberg surfboards in Hawaii with way too much sunscreen
No, he actually is that white.
Trump Biden debates
A Trump vs. Biden debate should just be Biden saying, “No, you go ahead. Keep talking.”
Dakota Johnson came out as bisexual
Calm down, people. All that does is double the amount of people who don’t have a shot.
Taylor Swift drops new album, ‘Folklore,’ she did while in self quarantine
Damn, and, I still haven’t decided whether to go with alphabetical or size to organize my spice rack…
Happy 97th birthday, Bob Dole
Bob Dole says thank you to all who wished Bob Dole a ‘happy birthday’ on Bob Dole’s birthday.
Seattle Kraken is new name for Seattle’s NHL franchise
No word if their new arena will be known as the Krackhouse.
White House touts coming executive order on healthcare, saying it will “have teeth”
But, ironically, no dental.
House Republicans lash out at Liz Cheney over Trump criticism
Cheney is one step away from offering her fellow GOP Congress people free hunting trips with her Dad.
Kanye West claims in rally Harriet Tubman never “freed the slaves”
Why do I get the feeling Harriet Tubman would’ve given Kanye the wrong departure time of when Underground Railroad was leaving the “station?”
Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin became first human beings to land on moon, 51 years ago today
And they still haven’t been able to retrieve their luggage.
House votes to remove Confederate statues from Capitol
… guess that means from now on Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham can only Zoom …


humortimes--2020-07-28--Coronavirus Relief Negotiations Stall Over Cap on Thoughts & Prayers

Negotiations stall between Senate Republicans and Democrats over a controversial limit on federally-provided thoughts and prayers .
Days of talks between Senate Republicans and Democrats saw negotiations stall as an impasse was reached late Tuesday over federally-provided thoughts and prayers in the next coronavirus relief bill .
According to health experts , those resources are desperately needed to combat the surge in coronavirus cases across the Sun Belt .
Senate Democrats have been pushing for as much as the states need , while Republicans support a strict cap , citing a lack of available sympathy .
“ Government should not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hearts willy-nilly , ” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to reporters on Tuesday .
“ We ’ ve exhausted much of the available T & P [ thoughts and prayers ] over the last few years .
To push for any more sympathy from Washington stinks of socialism , and we will not turn this great country into a Marxist wasteland where the government helps their citizens in a crisis.
” This all comes as the situation in America ’ s south and west continues to spiral out of control with case @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Some governors in these states , however , agree with the Republican stance .
Ron DeSantis , governor of Florida , praised McConnell ’ s stubbornness , saying , “ We don ’ t need their [ the federal government ’ s ] help .
Things are fine here .
The sun ’ s out , the water ’ s warm , and I have an awesome pair of new swim trunks I can ’ t wait to try out !
” As hospitals run short on necessary resources , the FBI @ @ @ @ @ @ @ & P .
One woman in Texas had her home raided by federal agents who confiscated over 7,500 thoughts and 9,000 prayers .
“ It ’ s wrong what they ’ re doing !
” she later said to reporters .
“ I was saving those for the president if that do-nothing Joe Biden wins in November .
After all the cases and investigations against him , he ’ s going to need it !
” Even if the Senate is eventually able to agree , it ’ s unlikely the White House @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Administration has taken an even more extreme stance than Senate Republicans and has refused to allocate any T & P for coronavirus relief .
Instead they have used it to support Ghislaine Maxwell , alleged accomplice to deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein .
Russell Vought , acting director of the Office of Management and Budget , defended the use and told us , “ We ’ re using T & P where the president thinks it will do the most good .
For the sake of the country , we need Ms. Maxwell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pertaining to the president prior to him taking office.
” When pressed for details , Mr. Vought ignored reporters and returned to his office in the Eighth Circle of Hell which he shares with Chief of Staff Mark Meadows .

Negotiations stall between Senate Republicans and Democrats over a controversial limit on federally-provided thoughts and prayers.
Days of talks between Senate Republicans and Democrats saw negotiations stall as an impasse was reached late Tuesday over federally-provided thoughts and prayers in the next coronavirus relief bill. According to health experts, those resources are desperately needed to combat the surge in coronavirus cases across the Sun Belt. Senate Democrats have been pushing for as much as the states need, while Republicans support a strict cap, citing a lack of available sympathy.
“Government should not be in the business of opening our hearts willy-nilly,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell to reporters on Tuesday. “We’ve exhausted much of the available T&P [thoughts and prayers] over the last few years. To push for any more sympathy from Washington stinks of socialism, and we will not turn this great country into a Marxist wasteland where the government helps their citizens in a crisis.”
This all comes as the situation in America’s south and west continues to spiral out of control with case and death records broken nearly every day. Some governors in these states, however, agree with the Republican stance. Ron DeSantis, governor of Florida, praised McConnell’s stubbornness, saying, “We don’t need their [the federal government’s] help. Things are fine here. The sun’s out, the water’s warm, and I have an awesome pair of new swim trunks I can’t wait to try out!”
As hospitals run short on necessary resources, the FBI has reportedly been seizing illegally stockpiled T&P. One woman in Texas had her home raided by federal agents who confiscated over 7,500 thoughts and 9,000 prayers. “It’s wrong what they’re doing!” she later said to reporters. “I was saving those for the president if that do-nothing Joe Biden wins in November. After all the cases and investigations against him, he’s going to need it!”
Even if the Senate is eventually able to agree, it’s unlikely the White House will pass the measure. The Trump Administration has taken an even more extreme stance than Senate Republicans and has refused to allocate any T&P for coronavirus relief. Instead they have used it to support Ghislaine Maxwell, alleged accomplice to deceased sex offender Jeffrey Epstein. Russell Vought, acting director of the Office of Management and Budget, defended the use and told us, “We’re using T&P where the president thinks it will do the most good. For the sake of the country, we need Ms. Maxwell to keep quiet, especially about anything pertaining to the president prior to him taking office.”
When pressed for details, Mr. Vought ignored reporters and returned to his office in the Eighth Circle of Hell which he shares with Chief of Staff Mark Meadows.


humortimes--2020-07-28--Crime in the Suites

Crime in the Suites

Why would your average politico , elected with corporate campaign dollars , hound his corporate sponsors for “ crime in the suites ” ?
There ’ s a “ crime in the suites ” wave underway in America , but the Powers That Be are getting sore necks from looking the other way .
I ’ m talking about corporate crime .
When it comes to robbing us blind , the Armani-clad criminals in corporate boardrooms have it all over the hoods on the street .
The FBI reckons that property crime cost U.S. taxpayers $ 16 billion in 2018 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that amount from their clients in fraudulent deals every year .
And as far as white-collar crime goes , securities fraud is small potatoes .
From oil spills to price fixing to peddling defective or dangerous products , corporations are responsible for the costliest and deadliest crimes in this country .
Yet when it comes to enforcing the law and meting out punishment , corporations get treated with kid gloves so soft only their CEOs could afford them .
They ’ re all but immune to the criminal penalties applied to regular citizens @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by its own egregiousness , committing acts so outrageous and heinous and on such a scale that the authorities grudgingly have to haul them into court , they ’ re usually subject to no more than civil penalties and fines .
( Can you imagine some CEO getting dragged through grimy precinct hallways , fingerprinted and thrown into a cell to wait for a frantic loved one to scrape together bail ? )
Worse yet , they don ’ t often get caught , because corporate crimes don ’ t get investigated and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Why not ?
Because most politicians would rather try to sandpaper a bobcat ’ s butt than crack down on corporations .
Why would your average politico , who was elected with corporate campaign dollars — and is looking forward to reelection with more where that came from — hound his corporate sponsors for any of their misdeeds ?
“ Hold on , ” you say .
At least these suits aren ’ t killing innocent people with handguns or stealing old ladies ’ purses at knifepoint .
Not exactly — but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ U.S. ( mostly by people they know ) and 5,600 Americans died at work in 2018 ; and tens of thousands more die at home from deadly diseases like black lung , asbestosis or more insidious poisonings they acquired on the job .
And that was before there was a deadly pandemic ravaging the country .
Companies that poison folks with nasty pesticides don ’ t go to prison , because their lobbyists work hard in Washington to keep such poisons legal .
Corporations that kill workers on the job — for instance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or allowing deadly hazards on the shop floor — get the deaths recorded as “ accidents ” so they aren ’ t investigated as homicides .
And , of course , businesses routinely hand out fat campaign contributions ( what amounts to legislative bribery ) to any political party or candidate looking for a fast buck , and this isn ’ t even considered a crime .
No surprise there , since corporate lobbyists work with elected officials to write the law in the first place .
And even if they do get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the resources they need to defend themselves .
Of course , Trump & Co. , along with a whole army of Gucci-wearing corporate lobbyists , are pushing furiously to pass a law decreeing that corporations can not be held liable for profit-driven actions and negligence that sicken and kill untold numbers of Americans with COVID-19 .
This would give corporations cover to push their workers into unsafe conditions with no accountability for the workers ’ safety or the safety of their customers .
Worse yet , this immunity would also apply to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deniers are trying to force open next month .
Here ’ s a fact the Powers That Be don ’ t want us commoners to know : Corporations only exist at the pleasure of you and me .
We the People could reassert our sovereignty over these offending entities and make them pay for crime in the suites by altering or revoking their state charters .
The founders of our states and nation put strict limits on the corporate structure , establishing our right to set the terms of each corporation ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ charters is still on the books of nearly every state , and it ’ s time for us to reassert some of the passion of 1776 by using that authority .
The issue is basic : Are the corporations going to rule , or are we ?
The defining battle of our era is to reestablish citizen rule over our government , our economy , our environment and our society — and this requires the defeat of today ’ s corporate autocracy .

Why would your average politico, elected with corporate campaign dollars, hound his corporate sponsors for “crime in the suites”?
There’s a “crime in the suites” wave underway in America, but the Powers That Be are getting sore necks from looking the other way. I’m talking about corporate crime. When it comes to robbing us blind, the Armani-clad criminals in corporate boardrooms have it all over the hoods on the street. The FBI reckons that property crime cost U.S. taxpayers $16 billion in 2018. Securities traders alone cream four times that amount from their clients in fraudulent deals every year. And as far as white-collar crime goes, securities fraud is small potatoes. From oil spills to price fixing to peddling defective or dangerous products, corporations are responsible for the costliest and deadliest crimes in this country.
Yet when it comes to enforcing the law and meting out punishment, corporations get treated with kid gloves so soft only their CEOs could afford them. They’re all but immune to the criminal penalties applied to regular citizens. Even when a corporation gets caught by its own egregiousness, committing acts so outrageous and heinous and on such a scale that the authorities grudgingly have to haul them into court, they’re usually subject to no more than civil penalties and fines. (Can you imagine some CEO getting dragged through grimy precinct hallways, fingerprinted and thrown into a cell to wait for a frantic loved one to scrape together bail?)
Worse yet, they don’t often get caught, because corporate crimes don’t get investigated and prosecuted with thoroughness, let alone zeal. Why not? Because most politicians would rather try to sandpaper a bobcat’s butt than crack down on corporations. Why would your average politico, who was elected with corporate campaign dollars — and is looking forward to reelection with more where that came from — hound his corporate sponsors for any of their misdeeds?
“Hold on,” you say. At least these suits aren’t killing innocent people with handguns or stealing old ladies’ purses at knifepoint. Not exactly — but while 16,000 people were murdered in the U.S. (mostly by people they know) and 5,600 Americans died at work in 2018; and tens of thousands more die at home from deadly diseases like black lung, asbestosis or more insidious poisonings they acquired on the job. And that was before there was a deadly pandemic ravaging the country.
Companies that poison folks with nasty pesticides don’t go to prison, because their lobbyists work hard in Washington to keep such poisons legal. Corporations that kill workers on the job — for instance, by speeding up the production line or allowing deadly hazards on the shop floor — get the deaths recorded as “accidents” so they aren’t investigated as homicides. And, of course, businesses routinely hand out fat campaign contributions (what amounts to legislative bribery) to any political party or candidate looking for a fast buck, and this isn’t even considered a crime. No surprise there, since corporate lobbyists work with elected officials to write the law in the first place. And even if they do get caught, the big guys have all the resources they need to defend themselves.
Of course, Trump & Co., along with a whole army of Gucci-wearing corporate lobbyists, are pushing furiously to pass a law decreeing that corporations cannot be held liable for profit-driven actions and negligence that sicken and kill untold numbers of Americans with COVID-19. This would give corporations cover to push their workers into unsafe conditions with no accountability for the workers’ safety or the safety of their customers. Worse yet, this immunity would also apply to the schools Trump and other right-wing extremist science deniers are trying to force open next month.
Here’s a fact the Powers That Be don’t want us commoners to know: Corporations only exist at the pleasure of you and me. We the People could reassert our sovereignty over these offending entities and make them pay for crime in the suites by altering or revoking their state charters. The founders of our states and nation put strict limits on the corporate structure, establishing our right to set the terms of each corporation’s existence. The authority to revoke corporate charters is still on the books of nearly every state, and it’s time for us to reassert some of the passion of 1776 by using that authority.
The issue is basic: Are the corporations going to rule, or are we? The defining battle of our era is to reestablish citizen rule over our government, our economy, our environment and our society — and this requires the defeat of today’s corporate autocracy.


humortimes--2020-07-28--Forgotten States Demand Their Campaign Ad Share

Swing states are seen as the key to victory and the rest get the shaft on campaign ad spending .
Now they have they ’ re say .
More and more , U. S. presidential candidates are directing their campaign ad spending to a select number of states and that trend continues in 2020 .
The so-called swing states are seen as the key to victory and the rest are almost ignored .
Apparently that ’ s about to change if these states have their say : “ As Maine goes , so goes the nation.
” At least that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Now almost nobody pays attention to how I vote .
Well , enough is enough .
Remember that old battle cry from the Spanish-American War — “ Remember The Maine ” ?
Well , I ’ ve got a new one : “ Remember Maine — or else.
” If I don ’ t get my fair share of election-year advertising spending , I ’ m going to hold my breath until I turn blue or possibly even red or I might just secede and join Canada .
Dude , what gives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ voters than any other state but political ads here are as rare as Republicans in Hollywood although I guess that ’ s part of the problem .
How come everyone thinks I ’ m a lock for the Democrats ?
Don ’ t forget ; I elected Republican governors like Ronald Reagan , Pete Wilson and Arnold Schwarzenegger and I can do it again .
That ’ s not a threat , man .
I ’ m just saying , that ’ s all .
Throw a little advertising love my way and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what you might have heard , history shows we don ’ t always vote the same way .
Just look at the 1916 election results .
But since each of us has the total population of a large city suburb , no one pays us any attention .
We finally figured out how to deal with these quadrennial slights .
Last week we decided to join forces and vote in tandem and not necessarily Republican .
Between the two of us , we have well over a million people which means we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bigger player-states .
Watch out Idaho and Nebraska !
Hey !
Look up here .
Yeah , that ’ s right , up here past the lower 48 .
It ’ s one thing to ignore that little mid-Pacific pipsqueak Hawaii but , in the words of Donald Trump , I ’ m huge .
I ’ m twice as big as Texas and none of you would ever dream of ignoring Texas , would you ?
Don ’ t take me for granted .
I ’ m crazy ; I could vote @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
So throw me a bone and I ’ ll do you a solid .
OK , yeah , I ’ m the smallest state by population with more cows than people but that ’ s no reason to dis me .
And maybe I ’ ve voted Republican in every election since 1964 but that doesn ’ t mean things can ’ t change this year .
If you spend a little ad money here and show me some respect , I could vote Democratic .
Just don ’ t tell Dick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dude and he gets really , really mad if I don ’ t do what I ’ m told .
You think you ’ ve got it tough , Wyoming ?
I ’ m so small , nobody notices me down here squeezed between New Jersey , Maryland and Pennsylvania .
OK , at least I ’ m not Rhode Island but it ’ s still no picnic .
Even Joe Biden left and he used to live in Scranton .
So maybe I voted Democratic for the last twenty years but that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t change .
Hey , for the right price , I ’ m willing to do just about anything , even change my name to Tupperware .

Swing states are seen as the key to victory and the rest get the shaft on campaign ad spending. Now they have their say.
More and more, U. S. presidential candidates are directing their campaign ad spending to a select number of states and that trend continues in 2020. The so-called swing states are seen as the key to victory and the rest are almost ignored. Apparently that’s about to change if these states have their say:
Maine
“As Maine goes, so goes the nation.”At least that’s what they used to say. Now almost nobody pays attention to how I vote. Well, enough is enough. Remember that old battle cry from the Spanish-American War — “Remember The Maine”? Well, I’ve got a new one: “Remember Maine — or else.” If I don’t get my fair share of election-year advertising spending, I’m going to hold my breath until I turn blue or possibly even red or I might just secede and join Canada.
California
Dude, what gives? Like I’ve got more voters than any other state but political ads here are as rare as Republicans in Hollywood although I guess that’s part of the problem. How come everyone thinks I’m a lock for the Democrats? Don’t forget; I elected Republican governors like Ronald Reagan, Pete Wilson and Arnold Schwarzenegger and I can do it again. That’s not a threat, man. I’m just saying, that’s all. Throw a little advertising love my way and we can all be happy.
The Dakotas
Despite what you might have heard, history shows we don’t always vote the same way. Just look at the 1916 election results. But since each of us has the total population of a large city suburb, no one pays us any attention. We finally figured out how to deal with these quadrennial slights. Last week we decided to join forces and vote in tandem and not necessarily Republican. Between the two of us, we have well over a million people which means we’ll now have the political heft of bigger player-states. Watch out Idaho and Nebraska!
Alaska
Hey! Look up here. Yeah, that’s right, up here past the lower 48. It’s one thing to ignore that little mid-Pacific pipsqueak Hawaii but, in the words of Donald Trump, I’m huge. I’m twice as big as Texas and none of you would ever dream of ignoring Texas, would you? Don’t take me for granted. I’m crazy; I could vote for anybody. Just ask Sarah Palin. So throw me a bone and I’ll do you a solid.
Wyoming
OK, yeah, I’m the smallest state by population with more cows than people but that’s no reason to dis me. And maybe I’ve voted Republican in every election since 1964 but that doesn’t mean things can’t change this year. If you spend a little ad money here and show me some respect, I could vote Democratic. Just don’t tell Dick Cheney. He’s a scary dude and he gets really, really mad if I don’t do what I’m told.
Delaware
You think you’ve got it tough, Wyoming? I’m so small, nobody notices me down here squeezed between New Jersey, Maryland and Pennsylvania. OK, at least I’m not Rhode Island but it’s still no picnic. Even Joe Biden left and he used to live in Scranton. So maybe I voted Democratic for the last twenty years but that doesn’t mean I can’t change. Hey, for the right price, I’m willing to do just about anything, even change my name to Tupperware.


humortimes--2020-07-30--Trump’s TOP 10 Commandments

Trump’s TOP 10 Commandments

TOP 10 Commandments : Trump is no Moses but please G-d – there ’ s got to be an Exodus !
While skimming my Bible & satirically pondering our unrelenting Plague & the probability of Blood , Boils , Frogs & Locusts , a page fell out : TRUMP ’ S TOP 10 COMMANDMENTS 10 .
THOU SHALT KISS AS MANY FROGS AS YOU CAN BECAUSE THEY WILL LET YOU DO IT !
9 .
THOU SHALT GO UP TO THE MOUNT WITH MAN , WOMAN , TV , CAMERA & SEE WHAT DEVELOPS !
8 .
THOU SHALT TAKE @ @ @ @ @ @ @ FAUCI IN THE MORNING !
7 .
THOU SHALT COMMISSION A GRAVEN IMAGE OF ME… BUT HOLD THE EXTRA CLAY ON MY BUTT !
6 .
THOU SHALT CALL IN JARED TO SPRAY ‘ RAID ’ IF LOCUSTS COME AFTER SOLVING PEACE IN ISRAEL , GETTING A PERSONALITY & ZIPPING IVANKA UP !
4 .
THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY WHILE IN OFFICE !
( I did good , didn ’ t I ? )
** DON ’ T FORGET , G-D…I GET EXTRA POINTS FOR COUNTING BACK FROM 10 !
( Doctors @ @ @ @ @ @ @ SHALT GET THE 1st SHOT OF VACCINE… DAMN , WHAT IS , ‘ WON ’ T TOUCH YOU WITH A 10 FOOT POLE ’ IN SLOVANIAN ?

TOP 10 Commandments: Trump is no Moses but please G-d – there’s got to be an Exodus!
While skimming my Bible & satirically pondering our unrelenting Plague & the probability of Blood, Boils, Frogs & Locusts, a page fell out: TRUMP’S TOP 10 COMMANDMENTS
10. THOU SHALT KISS AS MANY FROGS AS YOU CAN BECAUSE THEY WILL LET YOU DO IT!
9. THOU SHALT GO UP TO THE MOUNT WITH MAN, WOMAN, TV, CAMERA & SEE WHAT DEVELOPS!
8. THOU SHALT TAKE 2 TABLETS OF HYDROXYCHLOROQUINE & CALL DR. FAUCI IN THE MORNING!
7. THOU SHALT COMMISSION A GRAVEN IMAGE OF ME… BUT HOLD THE EXTRA CLAY ON MY BUTT!
6. THOU SHALT CALL IN JARED TO SPRAY ‘RAID’ IF LOCUSTS COME AFTER SOLVING PEACE IN ISRAEL, GETTING A PERSONALITY & ZIPPING IVANKA UP!
5. THOU SHALT NOT COVET PUTIN’S CRIB!
4. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY WHILE IN OFFICE! (I did good, didn’t I?)
3. THOU SHALT PACK MIKE PENCE’S EXODUS BAG NOVEMBER 4th…now, KING ME!
2. THOU SHALT FAKE A STOMACH ACHE & NOT MOVE OUT JANUARY 20th!
** DON’T FORGET, G-D…I GET EXTRA POINTS FOR COUNTING BACK FROM 10! (Doctors were amazed)
AND…#1 THOU SHALT GET THE 1st SHOT OF VACCINE… DAMN, WHAT IS, ‘WON’T TOUCH YOU WITH A 10 FOOT POLE’ IN SLOVANIAN?


humortimes--2020-07-29--Memes Both Trump and McNaughton Deserve

Memes Both Trump and McNaughton Deserve

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humortimes--2020-07-30--Who Really Took Trump’s MoCA Test?

Who Really Took Trump’s MoCA Test?

Turns out , the President didn ’ t actually take the MoCA test he brags so much about – a surrogate was needed .
Hey , I ’ m Joe Shapiro , and not only did I take Donald Trump ’ s SAT tests years ago , but more recently I also took the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test ( MoCA test ) on his behalf .
He claimed he got a perfect score of 30 , but it was actually me who aced it .
Now the President claims he memorized and repeated the five words “ person , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ camera , ” “ TV ” but that ’ s not how it played out .
Those just happen to be the five words he chose when looking out at reporters on the White House South Lawn .
The actual words I had to repeat were “ face , ” “ velvet , ” “ church , ” “ daisy , ” “ red.
” Granted , it can be difficult to complete that task , but since I ’ ve taken the test multiple times and the five words are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t that hard for me .
Even naming as many words starting with the letter F as you can in one minute can be a daunting task .
But for some reason , this time I found it very easy : fraud , felon , fatso , faker , falsify , fool , flimflam , fleece , felonious , finagle , fraudster , fat , fleshy , fibber , fabulist , falsifier , etc.
, etc .
Truth be told , White House staff had the President informally take the test just to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he did just fine and got two of the three animals pictured correct , only missing on the rhino — which is perhaps understandable given that he has sometimes been called a RINO himself .
When he was told to “ copy cube , ” he wrote “ cube ” and when he was asked to draw CLOCK ( ten past eleven ) he wrote 11CLOCK10 which , in my view , is a more sophisticated answer than drawing a clock face showing the time as ten after eleven .
There was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was asked to repeat the statement : “ I only know that John is the one to help today.
” Understandably , the President thought the sentence was referring to his discredited national security advisor John Bolton and thus was infuriated and refused to state that John could help today .
Testing Trump ’ s ability to think abstractly also caused a bit of a problem — no doubt due to the unique position he finds himself in as the leader of the free world .
While you or I would likely see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as two vehicles , he identified them as “ Chinese things.
” Likewise , where we might view “ watch – ruler ” as referring to different measuring devices , the President replied “ Vladimir Putin.
” From what I could gather , Mr. Trump performed excellently , but in what might be called an unorthodox or out-of-the-test fashion .
Thus , although all of those present in the Oval Office agreed that he was at the very least a stable genius , unfortunately a standard assessment of his results would have put @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 26 points .
So that ’ s where I came in .
Being a regular test taker of ordinary intelligence , I was able to effectively “ dumb down ” the results and give Mr. Trump the perfect score he would have received if only he weren ’ t so darn smart .

Turns out, the President didn’t actually take the MoCA test he brags so much about – a surrogate was needed.
Hey, I’m Joe Shapiro, and not only did I take Donald Trump’s SAT tests years ago, but more recently I also took the Montreal Cognitive Assessment test (MoCA test) on his behalf. He claimed he got a perfect score of 30, but it was actually me who aced it.
Now the President claims he memorized and repeated the five words “person,” “woman,” “man,” “camera,” “TV” but that’s not how it played out. Those just happen to be the five words he chose when looking out at reporters on the White House South Lawn.
The actual words I had to repeat were “face,” “velvet,” “church,” “daisy,” “red.” Granted, it can be difficult to complete that task, but since I’ve taken the test multiple times and the five words are always the same, it wasn’t that hard for me.
Even naming as many words starting with the letter F as you can in one minute can be a daunting task. But for some reason, this time I found it very easy: fraud, felon, fatso, faker, falsify, fool, flimflam, fleece, felonious, finagle, fraudster, fat, fleshy, fibber, fabulist, falsifier, etc., etc.
Truth be told, White House staff had the President informally take the test just to see how he would do. Apparently, he did just fine and got two of the three animals pictured correct, only missing on the rhino — which is perhaps understandable given that he has sometimes been called a RINO himself.
When he was told to “copy cube,” he wrote “cube” and when he was asked to draw CLOCK (ten past eleven) he wrote 11CLOCK10 which, in my view, is a more sophisticated answer than drawing a clock face showing the time as ten after eleven.
There was also a slight problem when Mr. Trump was asked to repeat the statement: “I only know that John is the one to help today.” Understandably, the President thought the sentence was referring to his discredited national security advisor John Bolton and thus was infuriated and refused to state that John could help today.
Testing Trump’s ability to think abstractly also caused a bit of a problem — no doubt due to the unique position he finds himself in as the leader of the free world. While you or I would likely see the pairing “train – bicycle” as two vehicles, he identified them as “Chinese things.” Likewise, where we might view “watch – ruler” as referring to different measuring devices, the President replied “Vladimir Putin.”
From what I could gather, Mr. Trump performed excellently, but in what might be called an unorthodox or out-of-the-test fashion. Thus, although all of those present in the Oval Office agreed that he was at the very least a stable genius, unfortunately a standard assessment of his results would have put him well below the normal threshold of 26 points.
So that’s where I came in. Being a regular test taker of ordinary intelligence, I was able to effectively “dumb down” the results and give Mr. Trump the perfect score he would have received if only he weren’t so darn smart.


Trump or Hemingway?

Quiz : Who do these quotes belong to , Trump or Hemingway ?
( Answers below . )
1 .
I DON ’ T do it for the money .
I ’ ve got enough , much more than I ’ ll ever need .
I do it to do it .
2 .
Never pump yourself dry .
Leave a little for the next day .
The main thing is to know when to stop .
3 .
To be a successful father… there ’ s one absolute rule : when you have a kid , don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years .
4 .
The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life and one is as good as the other .
This is especially true for my book Art of the Deal .
5 .
I ’ m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy .
Covfefe .
6 .
There was no collusion .
Everybody knows there was no collusion .
Having said that , and having no facility for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any domination of rhetoric , I wish to thank the administrators of the generosity of Alfred Nobel for this Prize .
7 .
Nobody has better respect for intelligence than Donald Trump .
Even I , Ernest Hemingway , the author of For Whom The Bell Tolls , knows that .
8 .
God knows , people who are paid to have attitudes toward things , professional critics , make me sick ; camp-following eunuchs of literature .
They won ’ t even whore .
They ’ re all virtuous and sterile .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ But they ’ re all camp-followers .
Grab ’ em by the pussy .
You can do anything .
9 .
Russia will have much greater respect for our country when I am leading it than when other people have led it .
I just have to finish writing The Old Man and the Sea first , and then I can tackle becoming president of the United States .
10 .
Writing , at its best , is a lonely life .
Organizations for writers palliate the writer ’ s loneliness but I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who ’ s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more , I notice .
11 .
It really doesn ’ t matter what they write as long as you ’ ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass .
You ’ re not recording this are you ?
It would be a shame if it got back to my wife Martha Gellhorn .
12 .
Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know .
Did you know I have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that ?
13 .
Oh , Jake , ” Brett said , “ we could have had such a damned good time together.
” … “ Yes , ” I said .
“ Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me ‘ old , ’ when I would NEVER call him ‘ short and fat ?
’ Oh well , I try so hard to be his friend — and maybe someday that will happen !
” 14 .
Crooked Hillary Clinton is the worst ( and biggest ) loser of all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to put a W. & C. Scott & Son shotgun to your mouth and commit suicide in Ketchum , Idaho on July 2 , 1961 .
15 .
My name is Ernest Hemingway and I think Donald Trump is an asshole .
4 through 14 : Honestly , does the world make enough sense to you that this answer key is , in any way , useful ?

Quiz: Who do these quotes belong to, Trump or Hemingway? (Answers below.)
1. I DON’T do it for the money. I’ve got enough, much more than I’ll ever need. I do it to do it.
2. Never pump yourself dry. Leave a little for the next day. The main thing is to know when to stop.
3. To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
4. The good parts of a book may be only something a writer is lucky enough to overhear or it may be the wreck of his whole damn life and one is as good as the other. This is especially true for my book Art of the Deal.
5. I’m not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. Covfefe.
6. There was no collusion. Everybody knows there was no collusion. Having said that, and having no facility for speech-making and no command of oratory nor any domination of rhetoric, I wish to thank the administrators of the generosity of Alfred Nobel for this Prize.
7. Nobody has better respect for intelligence than Donald Trump. Even I, Ernest Hemingway, the author of For Whom The Bell Tolls, knows that.
8. God knows, people who are paid to have attitudes toward things, professional critics, make me sick; camp-following eunuchs of literature. They won’t even whore. They’re all virtuous and sterile. And how well-meaning and high minded. But they’re all camp-followers. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.
9. Russia will have much greater respect for our country when I am leading it than when other people have led it. I just have to finish writing The Old Man and the Sea first, and then I can tackle becoming president of the United States.
10. Writing, at its best, is a lonely life. Organizations for writers palliate the writer’s loneliness but I doubt if they improve his writing. Frederick Douglass is an example of somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more, I notice.
11. It really doesn’t matter what they write as long as you’ve got a young and beautiful piece of ass. You’re not recording this are you? It would be a shame if it got back to my wife Martha Gellhorn.
12. Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know. Did you know I have a gold toilet? How wild is that?
13. Oh, Jake,” Brett said, “we could have had such a damned good time together.”…“Yes,” I said. “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me ‘old,’ when I would NEVER call him ‘short and fat?’ Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend — and maybe someday that will happen!”
14. Crooked Hillary Clinton is the worst (and biggest) loser of all time. It almost makes you want to put a W. & C. Scott & Son shotgun to your mouth and commit suicide in Ketchum, Idaho on July 2, 1961.
15. My name is Ernest Hemingway and I think Donald Trump is an asshole.
Answer Key:
1: Trump
2: Hemingway
3: Hemingway
4 through 14: Honestly, does the world make enough sense to you that this answer key is, in any way, useful?
15: Hemingway, probably.


humortimes--2020-08-02--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President Donald Trump

Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is President Donald Trump .
The radical left is destroying our cities .
Satan is on the loose .
Trumpster .
What do you call your presidency ?
Let me stop you there .
It wasn ’ t an elephant .
It was an elephant ’ s trunk .
The test results revealed you couldn ’ t differentiate between @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trunk .
Actually , I think like an elephant .
I ’ m sure Dumbo is wondering how I breath through something so small .
I ’ m a genius .
You ’ re behind in every presidential poll taken in a match up with Joe Biden .
Even Fox shows you down 9 points .
Poles can be wrong .
For example , the Poles thought they were so smart when they installed screen doors on submarines to keep out fish .
That didn ’ t work out so well .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ A reliable red state .
So what .
Do you know why ducks fly over Texas upside down ?
Because there ’ s nothing worth craping on .
I ’ m a winner .
Texas is the number one state with Coronavirus .
Texans will remember when they vote in November .
Do you still believe the Coronavirus will disappear ?
Absolutely .
This is a Democratic hoax .
I said to a hot intern the other day .
“ If Coronvirus doesn ’ t take you out , can I ” ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ have the disease .
Testing may reveal as many as 40 million .
That ’ s science .
I don ’ t believe in science .
I said to my people , “ Slow the testing down , please.
” The reason we have so many people testing positive is to make me look bad .
It ’ s fake news .
When I look at you , you ’ re something I would draw with my left hand .
Let ’ s talk about your deployment of Federal agents to quell protests @ @ @ @ @ @ @ military tactics have been illegal .
Unmarked cars , uniforms without names , excessive force , arresting protesters that have the right to peacefully assemble .
The use of tear gas on innocent civilians .
I pulled the plan out of my ass .
Attorney General Barr said it was a great idea .
He doesn ’ t believe in the rule of law either .
Sounds right .
Big man , very big man .
Bill said that if he chokes to death on Gummy Bears , just say he was killed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that .
Americans are worried that you won ’ t accept the election results in November .
Is that true ?
I will if I win .
A mail ballot is voter fraud .
Illegals , prisoners , dead people and hamsters are on the voter rolls .
This is unfounded based on evidence .
The peaceful transfer of power is the core of American politics .
My friend Vladimir Putin said it doesn ’ t work .
I even got a second opinion from Kim Jong-un .
Why would they lie ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ make two world leaders .
Are you talking about me ?
If you don ’ t want a sarcastic answer , then don ’ t ask a stupid question .
Let me say something .
You gave billions of dollars of tax cuts to the rich in 2017 .
Yet , there are 30 million Americans out of work at no fault of their own broke or going broke .
And you won ’ t give them enough unemployment insurance benefits to survive .
It ’ s unconscionable .
Money isn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Remember Duncan .
When life gives you lemons , squeeze them in people ’ s eyes .
Trumpster .
Beauty may be skin deep , but ugly goes clear to the bone .
You can take that to the White House .
See you tomorrow .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews President Donald Trump.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is President Donald Trump.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
The radical left is destroying our cities. Satan is on the loose.
JERRY
Trumpster. What do you call your presidency?
TRUMP
20,000 lies and counting?
JERRY
Nope. The Devil Knows Nada.
TRUMP
Duncan. I recently took a cognitive test. Have a good memory. I identified a snake, alligator, elephant…
JERRY
Let me stop you there. It wasn’t an elephant. It was an elephant’s trunk. The test results revealed you couldn’t differentiate between your penis and an elephant’s trunk.
TRUMP
Actually, I think like an elephant. I’m sure Dumbo is wondering how I breath through something so small. I’m a genius.
JERRY
You’re behind in every presidential poll taken in a match up with Joe Biden. Even Fox shows you down 9 points.
TRUMP
Poles can be wrong. For example, the Poles thought they were so smart when they installed screen doors on submarines to keep out fish. That didn’t work out so well.
JERRY
You and Biden are tied in Texas. A reliable red state.
TRUMP
So what. Do you know why ducks fly over Texas upside down? Because there’s nothing worth craping on. I’m a winner. Texas is the number one state with Coronavirus. Texans will remember when they vote in November.
JERRY
Do you still believe the Coronavirus will disappear?
TRUMP
Absolutely. This is a Democratic hoax. I said to a hot intern the other day. “If Coronvirus doesn’t take you out, can I”?
JERRY
C’mon. 4 million people have the disease. Testing may reveal as many as 40 million.
TRUMP
That’s science. I don’t believe in science. I said to my people, “Slow the testing down, please.” The reason we have so many people testing positive is to make me look bad. It’s fake news.
JERRY
When I look at you, you’re something I would draw with my left hand.
JERRY
Let’s talk about your deployment of Federal agents to quell protests in Portland. So far, the military tactics have been illegal. Unmarked cars, uniforms without names, excessive force, arresting protesters that have the right to peacefully assemble. The use of tear gas on innocent civilians.
TRUMP
I pulled the plan out of my ass. Attorney General Barr said it was a great idea. He doesn’t believe in the rule of law either.
JERRY
Barr is your judicial fixer. He’s a Hefty bag.
TRUMP
Sounds right. Big man, very big man. Bill said that if he chokes to death on Gummy Bears, just say he was killed by a bear and leave it at that.
JERRY
Americans are worried that you won’t accept the election results in November. Is that true?
TRUMP
I will if I win. A mail ballot is voter fraud. Illegals, prisoners, dead people and hamsters are on the voter rolls.
JERRY
This is unfounded based on evidence. The peaceful transfer of power is the core of American politics.
TRUMP
My friend Vladimir Putin said it doesn’t work. I even got a second opinion from Kim Jong-un. Why would they lie?
JERRY
If Kim is brain dead that would make two world leaders.
TRUMP
Are you talking about me?
JERRY
If you don’t want a sarcastic answer, then don’t ask a stupid question. Let me say something.
TRUMP
Sure.
JERRY
You gave billions of dollars of tax cuts to the rich in 2017. Yet, there are 30 million Americans out of work at no fault of their own broke or going broke. And you won’t give them enough unemployment insurance benefits to survive. It’s unconscionable.
TRUMP
Money isn’t everything. Health is 2%. Remember Duncan. When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in people’s eyes.
JERRY
Trumpster. Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. You can take that to the White House. See you tomorrow.


humortimes--2020-08-03--Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/3/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/3/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Chipotle say customers in their US restaurants will have to wear masks Republicans Senators are mad some Americans are getting paid more not to work Who do these people think they are ?
Members of Congress ?
!
Hydroxychloroquine is not an effective treatment for COVID-19 , according to the FDA A Michigan judge won ’ t release a 15-year-old Black girl who ’ s in jail for not doing her online schoolwork By now , Lori Laughlin ’ s kids would ’ ve already hired someone to get them masters degrees @ @ @ @ @ @ @ word how much a potential VEEP ’ s shampoo smell will factor into decision !
What do you expect from a guy named Cotton ?
!
So , sorry to hear this .
I thought he was 85 for the last 30 years .
The Marlins are putting their 18 players with coronavirus on a bus from Philadelphia to Miami One more and they ’ d literally be the COVID-19 .
Scott Baio , Ted Nugent , Diamond and Silk to perform at GOP Convention Diamond and Silk , Nugent , Baio — @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lineup , it ’ s the guest stars for a reboot of the ‘ Love Boat.
’ Jeffrey Epstein ’ s ex , Ghislaine Maxwell had a secret wedding on 9/16/16 Where did she register : Bed , Bath and Beyond the Reach of the Law ?
The L.A Rams have officially announced that they will have no fans in the stadium next season The Chargers , who use same stadium , say same but a lack of fans has nothing to do with the virus… Sinclair to air a segment that Dr. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , did you see how he threw out the first pitch ?
That guy is against anyone catching anything !
!
!
!
Eminem is “ stressed ” about Mariah Carey ’ s upcoming memoir and worried she thinks he was a “ selfish lover.
” Hmmm , maybe he should ’ ve used his character S and M ?
… Damn , that ’ s a really a nice gift for the Bidens…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
McDonald’s and Chipotle say customers in their US restaurants will have to wear masks
… and pants, for God’s sake… pants!
Republicans Senators are mad some Americans are getting paid more not to work
Who do these people think they are? Members of Congress?!
Hydroxychloroquine is not an effective treatment for COVID-19, according to the FDA
But, still a great spelling bee word…
A Michigan judge won’t release a 15-year-old Black girl who’s in jail for not doing her online schoolwork
By now, Lori Laughlin’s kids would’ve already hired someone to get them masters degrees and Olympic medals in crew.
Biden soon to pick a running mate
No word how much a potential VEEP’s shampoo smell will factor into decision!
Sen. Tom Cotton described slavery as a “necessary evil”
What do you expect from a guy named Cotton?!
Wilford Brimley, ‘Cocoon’ and ‘Natural’ actor, dies at 85
So, sorry to hear this. I thought he was 85 for the last 30 years.
The Marlins are putting their 18 players with coronavirus on a bus from Philadelphia to Miami
One more and they’d literally be the COVID-19.
Scott Baio, Ted Nugent, Diamond and Silk to perform at GOP Convention
Diamond and Silk, Nugent, Baio — that isn’t a political convention lineup, it’s the guest stars for a reboot of the ‘Love Boat.’
Jeffrey Epstein’s ex, Ghislaine Maxwell had a secret wedding on 9/16/16
Where did she register: Bed, Bath and Beyond the Reach of the Law?
The L.A Rams have officially announced that they will have no fans in the stadium next season
The Chargers, who use same stadium, say same but a lack of fans has nothing to do with the virus…
Sinclair to air a segment that Dr. Fauci started the pandemic
C’mon, did you see how he threw out the first pitch? That guy is against anyone catching anything!!!!
Eminem is “stressed” about Mariah Carey’s upcoming memoir and worried she thinks he was a “selfish lover.”
Hmmm, maybe he should’ve used his character S and M?
Melania Trump will revamp White House Rose Garden
… Damn, that’s a really a nice gift for the Bidens…


humortimes--2020-08-03--COVID at the Bat: a Revised Poem

COVID at the Bat: a Revised Poem

The outlook wasn ’ t brilliant for the Miami nine that day , with COVID at the Bat : The Covid tests they took were few , with sixty games to play , And then when Ramirez died at first , and Johnson did the same , A pall-like silence fell upon those who were to blame .
The cardboard fans were paralyzed , propped up in deep despair .
The men Clung to the hope which springs eternal in Hydroxychloroquine ; They thought , “ If only Casey could but get a test at that — We ’ d @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Casey at the bat.
” But Joyce preceded Casey , as did also Johnny Blake , And the former was on Twitter , laughing about how everything was cake ; So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat , For there seemed but little chance of Casey getting to the bat .
Joyce was asymptomatic , to the wonderment of all , And Blake , coughed so violently , the Dodgers feared to touch the ball ; And when the ball was sanitized , and men saw what had occurred , There was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ third .
Then from stadium speakers there rose a pre-recorded yell ; It rumbled through the outfield , it was texted on a cell ; It pounded empty concession stands and recoiled upon the flat , For Casey , mighty Casey , was hobbling to the bat .
There was ease in Casey ’ s manner as he stepped into his place ; There was pride in Casey ’ s bearing but no mask on Casey ’ s face .
And when , responding to canned noise , he doffed his MAGA hat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could doubt ’ twas Casey at the bat .
Cardboard eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt ; Recorded fans applauded when he wiped them on his shirt ; As the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hips , You could notice Casey ’ s steely eyes , you could also see his lips .
And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air , And Casey stood a-watching as if he didn ’ t care .
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped— “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Casey .
“ Strike one !
” the umpire said .
From the benches , with masked players , there went up a muffled roar , Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore ; “ Test him !
Test the umpire !
” shouted someone on the stand ; And it ’ s likely they ’ d have tested him had not Casey raised his hand .
With a smile of Republican hubris great Casey ’ s visage shone ; He stilled the rising tumult ; he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He signaled to the pitcher , and once more the dun sphere flew ; But Casey blacked out for a second ; the umpire said , “ Strike two !
” “ Social distance !
” cried his teammates , and Casey answered “ Hoax !
” A scornful look from Casey and his teammates fried like yokes .
They saw his face grow stern and cold , they saw his muscles strain , And they knew that Casey followed QAnon and no one thought him sane .
The sneer is gone from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are clenched in hate , He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate ; And now the pitcher holds the ball , and now he lets it go , And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey ’ s blow .
Oh , somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright , The band is playing somewhere , and somewhere hearts are light ; And somewhere men are laughing , and somewhere children shout , But there is no joy in baseball—mighty Casey lost his COVID @ @

The outlook wasn’t brilliant for the Miami nine that day, with COVID at the Bat:
The Covid tests they took were few, with sixty games to play,
And then when Ramirez died at first, and Johnson did the same,
A pall-like silence fell upon those who were to blame.
The cardboard fans were paralyzed, propped up in deep despair. The men
Clung to the hope which springs eternal in Hydroxychloroquine;
They thought, “If only Casey could but get a test at that —
We’d put up even money now, with Casey at the bat.”
But Joyce preceded Casey, as did also Johnny Blake,
And the former was on Twitter, laughing about how everything was cake;
So upon that stricken multitude grim melancholy sat,
For there seemed but little chance of Casey getting to the bat.
Joyce was asymptomatic, to the wonderment of all,
And Blake, coughed so violently, the Dodgers feared to touch the ball;
And when the ball was sanitized, and men saw what had occurred,
There was Johny safe at second and Flynn a-hugging third.
Then from stadium speakers there rose a pre-recorded yell;
It rumbled through the outfield, it was texted on a cell;
It pounded empty concession stands and recoiled upon the flat,
For Casey, mighty Casey, was hobbling to the bat.
There was ease in Casey’s manner as he stepped into his place;
There was pride in Casey’s bearing but no mask on Casey’s face.
And when, responding to canned noise, he doffed his MAGA hat,
No one streaming from at home could doubt ’twas Casey at the bat.
Cardboard eyes were on him as he rubbed his hands with dirt;
Recorded fans applauded when he wiped them on his shirt;
As the writhing pitcher ground the ball into his hips,
You could notice Casey’s steely eyes, you could also see his lips.
And now the leather-covered sphere came hurtling through the air,
And Casey stood a-watching as if he didn’t care.
Close by the sturdy batsman the ball unheeded sped—
“I feel a little dizzy,” said Casey. “Strike one!” the umpire said.
From the benches, with masked players, there went up a muffled roar,
Like the beating of the storm-waves on a stern and distant shore;
“Test him! Test the umpire!” shouted someone on the stand;
And it’s likely they’d have tested him had not Casey raised his hand.
With a smile of Republican hubris great Casey’s visage shone;
He stilled the rising tumult; he put his trust in President Don;
He signaled to the pitcher, and once more the dun sphere flew;
But Casey blacked out for a second; the umpire said, “Strike two!”
“Social distance!” cried his teammates, and Casey answered “Hoax!”
A scornful look from Casey and his teammates fried like yokes.
They saw his face grow stern and cold, they saw his muscles strain,
And they knew that Casey followed QAnon and no one thought him sane.
The sneer is gone from Casey’s lip, his teeth are clenched in hate,
He pounds with cruel violence his bat upon the plate;
And now the pitcher holds the ball, and now he lets it go,
And now the air is shattered by the force of Casey’s blow.
Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light;
And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in baseball—mighty Casey lost his COVID bout.
Note: Apologies to Ernest Thayer!


humortimes--2020-08-03--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Trump’s the Lyin’ King

Why won ’ t the “ president ” stop Putin bounties on our troops ?
Trump ’ s always on @ @ @ @ @ .
The fake news society would lock him up .
I wonder if Putin is @ @ @ @ @ extracting his revenge .
Only you can prevent falsifiers .
Pandemic profit tears only cry @ @ @ @ @ to gather one world together .
To get money out of politics , don ’ @ @ @ @ @ Is global warming real ?
Perspiring minds want to know .
Don ’ t say @ @ @ @ @ pollution .
How did Moses fix his coffee ?
He brew it !
If you @ @ @ @ @ tie yourself down , why knot ?
Writer ’ s block is never closed to @ @ @ @ @ m not sure what that means , but I couldn ’ t think of anything @ @

…and Republicans are the cowardly lyin’.
Why won’t the “president” stop Putin bounties on our troops?
Fraud lies exposed.
Trump’s always on a collusion course with Russia.
The fake news society would lock him up.
Trump supporters: Bully for you.
I wonder if Putin is the reincarnation of Rasputin, extracting his revenge.
Trump understands demeaning of a free press.
Fox news: Spinning out of control.
Only you can prevent falsifiers.
Pandemic profit tears only cry for more money.
Vaccinations of the world unite!
Work to gather one world together.
To get money out of politics, don’t buck the system.
Is global warming real? Perspiring minds want to know.
Don’t say goodbye with a wave of pollution.
How did Moses fix his coffee? He brew it!
If you don’t want to tie yourself down, why knot?
Writer’s block is never closed to pedestrian traffic. I’m not sure what that means, but I couldn’t think of anything else.
Free speech wherever it isn’t!