humortimes--2020-04-22--Anti-Quarantine Protestors Express Frustration Over Shutdowns

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Right-wing advocates Ander Anderson and Roger Dolt were two of the protestors present at an anti-quarantine demonstration held today in Hicksburg , Virginia .
Actually , because of social-distancing guidelines , they were the only two activists allowed to attend the event .
Still , they rated the protest a major success , despite a warning from local police to “ keep it down so that Mrs. McMarter next door could take her nap.
” “ We accomplished what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to protest our free speech , ” Anderson explained .
“ After all , ” Anderson went on , “ If your doctor gave you some medicine and told you to take it every day for two weeks , but then you felt better after just one week , it wouldn ’ t make any sense to keep on taking the medicine .
Especially if it tasted bad !
” “ Besides , I ’ m wearing my tiger mask from last Halloween , so I ’ ll be safe enough.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Anderson concluded , “ is that we believe Donald Trump ’ s hunches more than we believe what we ’ re told by liberal elitist artsy-fartsy scientists .
After all , what have we got to lose ?
” The pair disappeared shortly after being told ( jokingly ) that Donald Trump had just jumped out a window , and haven ’ t been seen since .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Encouraged by Trump, anti-quarantine protestors demand action.
Right-wing advocates Ander Anderson and Roger Dolt were two of the protestors present at an anti-quarantine demonstration held today in Hicksburg, Virginia. Actually, because of social-distancing guidelines, they were the only two activists allowed to attend the event. Still, they rated the protest a major success, despite a warning from local police to “keep it down so that Mrs. McMarter next door could take her nap.”
“We accomplished what we meant to do, which was to protest our free speech,” Anderson explained.
“Lock her up!” added Dolt.
“After all,” Anderson went on, “If your doctor gave you some medicine and told you to take it every day for two weeks, but then you felt better after just one week, it wouldn’t make any sense to keep on taking the medicine. Especially if it tasted bad!”
“Yuk!” agreed Dolt.
“Besides, I’m wearing my tiger mask from last Halloween, so I’ll be safe enough.”
“Make America Again Again!” Dolt chimed in.
“All we’re saying,” Anderson concluded, “is that we believe Donald Trump’s hunches more than we believe what we’re told by liberal elitist artsy-fartsy scientists. After all, what have we got to lose?”
The pair disappeared shortly after being told (jokingly) that Donald Trump had just jumped out a window, and haven’t been seen since.


humortimes--2020-04-22--Waldo Hunter Successful After 33 Years

Waldo Hunter Successful After 33 Years

After an exhaustive 33 year search , social distancing has helped Waldo hunter Jason Thromb finally realize his dream .
If anything good can possibly result from the Coronavirus pandemic currently holding the nation and world hostage , it has helped one man realize a lifelong dream .
After an exhaustive 33 year search , social distancing has helped Waldo hunter Jason Thromb finally realize his dream .
“ I try a different book every day , ” the 52-year-old unemployed French fry chef in a MAGA hat said from the basement of his parents ’ home in Creighton , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ through all of them a million times .
Then yesterday I opened up my Where ’ s Waldo NOW , for the ten-millionth time , and BAM !
I had seen that picture a gazillion times , then all of a sudden there he was , plain as day right there in ‘ Waldo Goes Downtown !
’ It was like a miracle !
” “ I even found the naked lady once , ” he continued , referring to the famous topless sunbather in the 1987 edition that got the book banned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ But I was beginning to think Waldo was just made up by the liberals , like the Crayolavirus , except that my mom has found him in almost every single picture ever .
So I just kept looking.
” The popular series of children ’ s puzzle books was created by British illustrator Martin Handford in the late 1980 ’ s .
The books consist of a series of detailed double-page illustrations depicting dozens or sometimes hundreds of densely crowded people interacting in a given setting .
Readers are challenged to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by his characteristic red-striped shirt and red and white knit cap , hidden in the group .
The fact that the series has never been published in China or Russia is evidence to many in the Trump Administration that the books are a Sino-Russian conspiracy to send subliminal signals to our nation ’ s youth , possibly for recruiting purposes .
“ The problem , ” Mr. Thromb went on to explain , “ is that they put in other things with red stripes to fool you , so you really have to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a lot of fake Waldos out there .
I heard that on the radio and it ’ s true.
” The self-styled “ King of Wally Watchers ” went on to explain his ultimate success as a result of social distancing .
“ Really it ’ s easier now because all of the people in the pictures have to stay six feet apart because of the bat cooties that are going around , which are fake , most people don ’ t know that .
They were made up by the liberal conspiracy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Finally !
” Mr. Thromb said he has written President Trump asking him to lift social distancing restrictions so he can take the picture , with Waldo circled , to his local bank to be notarized to prove he found him , believing the president ’ s persistent claims to have such authority .
He also asked the president to issue an executive order declaring him “ The Official Waldo King of the World.
” President Trump tweeted later in the day , “ My 96 % approval rating is protecting Americans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ CHINESE Waldos !
”

After an exhaustive 33 year search, social distancing has helped Waldo hunter Jason Thromb finally realize his dream.
If anything good can possibly result from the Coronavirus pandemic currently holding the nation and world hostage, it has helped one man realize a lifelong dream. After an exhaustive 33 year search, social distancing has helped Waldo hunter Jason Thromb finally realize his dream.
“I try a different book every day,” the 52-year-old unemployed French fry chef in a MAGA hat said from the basement of his parents’ home in Creighton, Kentucky. “I’ve been through all of them a million times. Then yesterday I opened up my Where’s Waldo NOW, for the ten-millionth time, and BAM! I had seen that picture a gazillion times, then all of a sudden there he was, plain as day right there in ‘Waldo Goes Downtown!’ It was like a miracle!”
“I even found the naked lady once,” he continued, referring to the famous topless sunbather in the 1987 edition that got the book banned by a school library on Long Island. “But I was beginning to think Waldo was just made up by the liberals, like the Crayolavirus, except that my mom has found him in almost every single picture ever. So I just kept looking.”
The popular series of children’s puzzle books was created by British illustrator Martin Handford in the late 1980’s. The books consist of a series of detailed double-page illustrations depicting dozens or sometimes hundreds of densely crowded people interacting in a given setting. Readers are challenged to find a character named Waldo, identified by his characteristic red-striped shirt and red and white knit cap, hidden in the group.
The fact that the series has never been published in China or Russia is evidence to many in the Trump Administration that the books are a Sino-Russian conspiracy to send subliminal signals to our nation’s youth, possibly for recruiting purposes.
“The problem,” Mr. Thromb went on to explain, “is that they put in other things with red stripes to fool you, so you really have to be on your toes. There are a lot of fake Waldos out there. I heard that on the radio and it’s true.”
The self-styled “King of Wally Watchers” went on to explain his ultimate success as a result of social distancing. “Really it’s easier now because all of the people in the pictures have to stay six feet apart because of the bat cooties that are going around, which are fake, most people don’t know that. They were made up by the liberal conspiracy. But at least I found him. Finally!”
Mr. Thromb said he has written President Trump asking him to lift social distancing restrictions so he can take the picture, with Waldo circled, to his local bank to be notarized to prove he found him, believing the president’s persistent claims to have such authority. He also asked the president to issue an executive order declaring him “The Official Waldo King of the World.”
President Trump tweeted later in the day, “My 96% approval rating is protecting Americans from Sleepy Joe Biden’s fake CHINESE Waldos!”
“LIBERATE WALDO!”
“LIBERATE THROMB!”
“MAKE WALDO GREAT AGAIN!”


humortimes--2020-04-22--The Magnificent Seven: Trump’s Task Force to Reopen the Economy

President Donald Trump introduces his “ Task Force to Reopen the Economy.
” We ’ re going to get the economy up and running right now and I ’ ve got just the vehicle to do it : the Task Force to Reopen the Economy .
Some say it ’ s disorganized because I keep changing who ’ s on the task force but that ’ s part of the plan .
Yes , I initially considered Ivanka and Jared but I need them to continue their great work on reforming the federal bureaucracy and creating Middle East peace .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to appoint a panel of experts from a wide variety of fields .
There ’ s Ben Carson who , I believe , is a medical doctor ; Larry Kudlow who used to play an economist on TV and an old guy named Wilbur Ross who ’ s even older than Bernie Sanders .
But this new task force is a work in progress .
So if better candidates come forward , then I ’ m prepared to replace the existing members with new ones .
In fact , I ’ ve just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s theme park shutdowns , there are seven highly qualified workers available who would be perfect for the job : As I initially promised , we obviously need a doctor on the task force to advise on the medical aspects of the pandemic .
Ben Carson is a doctor but he ’ s not a pandemic expert and , let ’ s be honest , he ’ s a bit dopey and sleepy .
I want a top qualified medical practitioner and this Doc fellow seems to be a perfect fit .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ve heard good things about him .
He ’ s got all the grouchiness of Wilbur Ross and the ability to play devil ’ s advocate with anyone looking to delay a reopening of the economy .
Plus , he doesn ’ t constantly fall asleep like Wilbur .
I don ’ t know a lot about this guy but with a name like Happy , I figure he ’ s got to be great .
What we really need for this committee is a big dose of optimism and if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ll be a crucial addition to the team .
My career has been punctuated with countless examples of modesty .
Sure , I ’ m great and I ’ ve accomplished a lot of great things but you don ’ t hear me tooting my own horn all the time .
I hear that Bashful is just that kind of guy , too , and that ’ s why I want him helping out the cause .
Don ’ t let the name fool you .
This guy ’ s a financial genius @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this project .
His name is kind of the opposite of what he is , you know , like Tiny is a big guy and Slim weighs 239 pounds .
Anyway , he can ’ t be dopier than Ben Carson or that son-in-law of mine .
Apparently this guy has a nose for business and can sniff out a great deal .
That ’ s why they call him Sneezy not because he ’ s always sneezing and blowing his nose although he does do a lot of that , too .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ business plan for reopening America , he ’ s my kind of guy .
Don ’ t think Sleepy Joe Biden or Ben Carson .
This guy ’ s a sleeper as in you ’ d never guess how bright he really is .
I ’ m not saying he ’ s a stable genius but he ’ s not far off .
That ’ s my dream team .
Seven guys who ’ ve got every base covered .
Just for fun , I ’ m going to call them my Seven @ @

President Donald Trump introduces his “Task Force to Reopen the Economy.”
We’re going to get the economy up and running right now and I’ve got just the vehicle to do it: the Task Force to Reopen the Economy.
Some say it’s disorganized because I keep changing who’s on the task force but that’s part of the plan. Yes, I initially considered Ivanka and Jared but I need them to continue their great work on reforming the federal bureaucracy and creating Middle East peace.
That’s why I instead decided to appoint a panel of experts from a wide variety of fields. There’s Ben Carson who, I believe, is a medical doctor; Larry Kudlow who used to play an economist on TV and an old guy named Wilbur Ross who’s even older than Bernie Sanders.
But this new task force is a work in progress. So if better candidates come forward, then I’m prepared to replace the existing members with new ones. In fact, I’ve just heard that, due to Disney’s theme park shutdowns, there are seven highly qualified workers available who would be perfect for the job:
Doc
As I initially promised, we obviously need a doctor on the task force to advise on the medical aspects of the pandemic. Ben Carson is a doctor but he’s not a pandemic expert and, let’s be honest, he’s a bit dopey and sleepy. I want a top qualified medical practitioner and this Doc fellow seems to be a perfect fit.
Grumpy
I don’t know Grumpy personally but I’ve heard good things about him. He’s got all the grouchiness of Wilbur Ross and the ability to play devil’s advocate with anyone looking to delay a reopening of the economy. Plus, he doesn’t constantly fall asleep like Wilbur.
Happy
I don’t know a lot about this guy but with a name like Happy, I figure he’s got to be great. What we really need for this committee is a big dose of optimism and if Happy can provide that, he’ll be a crucial addition to the team.
Bashful
My career has been punctuated with countless examples of modesty. Sure, I’m great and I’ve accomplished a lot of great things but you don’t hear me tooting my own horn all the time. I hear that Bashful is just that kind of guy, too, and that’s why I want him helping out the cause.
Dopey
Don’t let the name fool you. This guy’s a financial genius and may well be the cornerstone of this project. His name is kind of the opposite of what he is, you know, like Tiny is a big guy and Slim weighs 239 pounds. Anyway, he can’t be dopier than Ben Carson or that son-in-law of mine.
Sneezy
Apparently this guy has a nose for business and can sniff out a great deal. That’s why they call him Sneezy not because he’s always sneezing and blowing his nose although he does do a lot of that, too. But if he can smell a good business plan for reopening America, he’s my kind of guy.
Sleepy
Don’t think Sleepy Joe Biden or Ben Carson. This guy’s a sleeper as in you’d never guess how bright he really is. I’m not saying he’s a stable genius but he’s not far off.
That’s my dream team. Seven guys who’ve got every base covered. Just for fun, I’m going to call them my Seven Dwarfs.


humortimes--2020-04-22--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Chinese President Xi Jinping

Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is Chinese President Xi Jinping .
Life like bird .
Cute until poop on head .
We look to you X on how the coronavirus started in Wuhan .
What happened ?
Many theory .
Some say bat give China man tummy ache and fever .
He cough on bus and spread germ .
Other say virus escape from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I send to asylum .
Insane .
It all in head .
No coronavirus .
Bad Chinese food .
Is it true you lived in a cave when you were a kid ?
Only friend Dracula .
But he pain in neck .
See scar ?
The WHO said you fudged statistics about how many people have coronavirus .
How can China report just 83,000 cases and the US is over 740,000 ?
You have 1.3 billion people and we have 320 million .
Yes .
So sorry .
I throw Chinese WHO @ @ @ @ @ @ @ realize it was Wong on many levels .
That because Trumpster dwive me cwazy .
He add 15 % tariff to Chinese export .
But we smarter .
China don ’ t pay .
They pass on to American .
Hurt farmers .
Hey , Duncan .
You smart man .
If cow laugh hard , would milk come out nose ?
Not if she has a moostache .
You want to do comedy for Chinese prisoners ?
Sellout crowds .
They not show up .
No live .
People are scared of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You want to take over Hong Kong and Taiwan .
Complicated .
Taiwan and Hong Kong independent , but own by me .
One China Principle agree to .
I leave alone , because we make money together .
But want to take over North Korea .
Little Kim pain in ass .
He always cry when Trumpster threaten to destroy country .
Kimster want revenge with missile .
I say no worry .
Trump already destroy America .
Her name Peng .
She big shot Communist party member .
In 1989 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ students in Tiananmen Square .
Mean and lean .
Know karate .
I ask Peng .
What worse ?
Getting kicked in nuts or child birth ?
X .
Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up ?
Because they don ’ t have balls to scratch .
You smart man .
Are you psychologist ?
Just a psycho .
Please don ’ t judge me .
There aren ’ t many people that look like vegetables .
Why is she in diapers ?
It ’ s time the United States @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you tomorrow .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Chinese President Xi Jinping.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Chinese President Xi Jinping.
JERRY
Good morning, Mr. President.
XI
Life like bird. Cute until poop on head.
JERRY
We look to you X on how the coronavirus started in Wuhan. What happened?
XI
Many theory. Some say bat give China man tummy ache and fever. He cough on bus and spread germ. Other say virus escape from lab. Lab workers ill, so I send to asylum.
JERRY
What kind of asylum?
XI
Insane. It all in head. No coronavirus. Bad Chinese food.
JERRY
Two words…Panda Express.
JERRY
Is it true you lived in a cave when you were a kid?
XI
Only friend Dracula. But he pain in neck. See scar?
JERRY
Yep. He had a bat temper.
XI
You funnyman.
JERRY
The WHO said you fudged statistics about how many people have coronavirus. How can China report just 83,000 cases and the US is over 740,000? You have 1.3 billion people and we have 320 million.
XI
Who da WHO?
JERRY
World Health Organization.
XI
Yes. So sorry. I throw Chinese WHO representative down flight of stairs. But realize it was Wong on many levels.
JERRY
You are a workaholic.
XI
That because Trumpster dwive me cwazy. He add 15% tariff to Chinese export. But we smarter. China don’t pay. They pass on to American. Hurt farmers.
XI
Hey, Duncan. You smart man. If cow laugh hard, would milk come out nose?
JERRY
Not if she has a moostache.
XI
You want to do comedy for Chinese prisoners? Sellout crowds. They not show up. No live.
JERRY
People are scared of China’s economic and military power. You want to take over Hong Kong and Taiwan.
XI
Complicated. Taiwan and Hong Kong independent, but own by me. One China Principle agree to. I leave alone, because we make money together. But want to take over North Korea. Little Kim pain in ass. He always cry when Trumpster threaten to destroy country. Kimster want revenge with missile. I say no worry. Trump already destroy America.
JERRY
You have a wife?
XI
Her name Peng. She big shot Communist party member. In 1989, Peng support Chinese Army crackdown on students in Tiananmen Square. Mean and lean. Know karate.
XI
I ask Peng. What worse? Getting kicked in nuts or child birth?
JERRY
X. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
XI
No cru.
JERRY
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
XI
You smart man. Are you psychologist?
JERRY
Just a psycho. Please don’t judge me. There aren’t many people that look like vegetables.
XI
I go, Duncan. Wife call, gotta change diaper.
JERRY
Why is she in diapers?
XI
I give two reason: number 1 and number 2.
JERRY
It’s time the United States does social distancing from China. See you tomorrow.


humortimes--2020-04-24--Bon Jovi’s Song Contest About COVID-19 Meets with Aggression from Online Humor Writer

An unexpected pie in the face for Bon Jovi .
Bon Jovi , the leader of the Grammy award winning popular rock band from Boston that bears his name , has received an unexpected pie in the face from an unnamed online humor writer .
It all started when Jon Bon Jovi started writing a song about the difficulties that our nation has dealing with the Coronavirus and invited fans from across the country to come up their own lyrics to help finish it .
In an article from the Associated Press , a kindergarten teacher fan got his class @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with some rhymes .
This impressed Mr. Jovi so much that he had an online meeting with the youngsters during their class , in which he sang the three he liked best .
He especially praised a young man named A.J.
, whose addition to the song held the poignant rhyme , “ My parents try their best/But I can tell they ’ re stressed.
” Bon Jovi complimented the boy , saying “ You ’ re a rock star !
We wrote this together , me and you buddy !
” Of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Also noteworthy was a an entry from a famous anti-Bon Jovi critic who put in his two-cents worth in a derogatory fashion who shall remain unnamed .
His prose went like this : An Ode To Bon Jovi and His Song About Corona I am so glad there is this pandemic , it stops your rock and roll gimmick .
So you have to give up the musical schlock that you try to mimic .
Thank God for the huge lock-down , it shuts all your amplifiers down saving us from your hellish @ @ @ @ @ @ @ found .
No longer do I need earplugs inserted to keep out your music perverted .
Peace abounds now that your talents are diverted .
My hearing is returning to normal , now freed from your auditory turmoil , to which my nerves recoil and brings my blood pressure to boil The quarantine is a mixed blessing I am now freely confessing , it keeps you at home , no longer free to roam .
Now you must stay put on your a–es , instead of blasting your tunes to the masses .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ it keeps you from impregnating more teens , who dance to your seductive songs while taking hits on their inflated bongs , and saves taxpayers from paying extortion ’ s , caused by their many abortions .
Maybe a little home confinement will bring about a little personal refinement and songs with a more spiritual slant rather than just a working class rant .
So while locked-down you can work on your imperfections , as well as your many transgressions .
Just ask me ; I ’ ll make some suggestions .
When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ venomous hatred of him and his band and why he dislikes him so much , Bon Jovi shrugged and said “ I don ’ t know why this guy has it so out for me .
Maybe I dated his sister once or something .
”

An unexpected pie in the face for Bon Jovi.
Bon Jovi, the leader of the Grammy award winning popular rock band from Boston that bears his name, has received an unexpected pie in the face from an unnamed online humor writer.
It all started when Jon Bon Jovi started writing a song about the difficulties that our nation has dealing with the Coronavirus and invited fans from across the country to come up their own lyrics to help finish it.
In an article from the Associated Press, a kindergarten teacher fan got his class in Palm Beach Gardens to come up with some rhymes. This impressed Mr. Jovi so much that he had an online meeting with the youngsters during their class, in which he sang the three he liked best. He especially praised a young man named A.J., whose addition to the song held the poignant rhyme, “My parents try their best/But I can tell they’re stressed.” Bon Jovi complimented the boy, saying “You’re a rock star! We wrote this together, me and you buddy!”
Of course, there are always detractors. Also noteworthy was a an entry from a famous anti-Bon Jovi critic who put in his two-cents worth in a derogatory fashion who shall remain unnamed. His prose went like this:
An Ode To Bon Jovi and His Song About Corona I am so glad there is this pandemic, it stops your rock and roll gimmick.
So you have to give up the musical schlock that you try to mimic. Thank God for the huge lock-down, it shuts all your amplifiers down
saving us from your hellish sound; now quiet can finally be found. No longer do I need earplugs inserted to keep out your music perverted.
Peace abounds now that your talents are diverted. My hearing is returning to normal, now freed from your auditory turmoil,
to which my nerves recoil and brings my blood pressure to boil The quarantine is a mixed blessing I am now freely confessing,
it keeps you at home, no longer free to roam. Now you must stay put on your a–es,
instead of blasting your tunes to the masses. The good thing about COVID 19, it keeps you from impregnating more teens,
who dance to your seductive songs while taking hits on their inflated bongs,
and saves taxpayers from paying extortion’s,
caused by their many abortions. Maybe a little home confinement will bring about a little personal refinement
and songs with a more spiritual slant rather than just a working class rant. So while locked-down you can work on your imperfections,
as well as your many transgressions.
Just ask me; I’ll make some suggestions. Yours truly,
__________ (the Mystery Writer)
When questioned about this particular author’s venomous hatred of him and his band and why he dislikes him so much, Bon Jovi shrugged and said “I don’t know why this guy has it so out for me. Maybe I dated his sister once or something.”


humortimes--2020-04-24--Trials & Tabulations of 2 Cheesy Lab Mice Trying to Save the World!

In cages 6 feet apart , two lab mice in a Coronavirus trial study greet each other for the very 1st time .
VINNIE : Oh , you ’ re in for it – Rectal Probe , the works !
RICKY : Do they put you under ?
VINNIE : I tough it out – I get the Treat after !
It ’ s not so bad – 3 Squares , Evian Water , Free rides on the wheel !
VINNIE : Then you ’ ll get the treadmill !
VINNIE : Not good , my friend – you should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they ran out of little Mats !
VINNIE : I don ’ t want to talk about it !
RICKY : What did you do – you know , before all this ?
VINNIE : I don ’ t mean to pry , but was this Volunteer or Got ’ cha ?
VINNIE : You ’ re not alone – it does help to have Sponsors .
VINNIE : You ’ ll get them if you go a few rounds…people bet on you to survive – like the Dance Marathons in the old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Don ’ t They “ ?
RICKY : Well , that gives me incentive !
VINNIE : No , but you ’ ll be playing it soon – without a Passport !
VINNIE : What are you – the Census ?
Sure , I got millions – they don ’ t write , never call !
RICKY : What ’ s that white flag doing over there in the corner of your cage ?
VINNIE : When I ’ ve had enough , okay !
RICKY : Hey , don ’ t get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : From your lips to Dr. Fauci ’ s ears !
RICKY : Oh , I forgot – have you tried ‘ Chloroquine ’ yet ?
VINNIE : Are you kidding me – I was the first !
RICKY : Well , well…how do you feel ?
VINNIE : Oy , only when it rains !

In cages 6 feet apart, two lab mice in a Coronavirus trial study greet each other for the very 1st time.
Meet VINNIE Verman & RICKY Rodentitailia, two lab mice in a Coronavirus trial!
VINNIE: Me? SARS, Swine, Herpes – you?
RICKY: A virgin here.
VINNIE: Oh, you’re in for it – Rectal Probe, the works!
RICKY: Do they put you under?
VINNIE: I tough it out – I get the Treat after! It’s not so bad – 3 Squares, Evian Water, Free rides on the wheel!
RICKY: I get nauseous easy.
VINNIE: Then you’ll get the treadmill!
RICKY: That too!
VINNIE: Not good, my friend – you should try Meditation.
RICKY: Nah, they ran out of little Mats!
RICKY: Herpes, huh?
VINNIE: I don’t want to talk about it!
RICKY: What did you do – you know, before all this?
VINNIE: Fromage! Blue Cheese Mold Analyst, you?
RICKY: Dumpster Diver – an ‘Everymouse’!
VINNIE: I don’t mean to pry, but was this Volunteer or Got’cha?
RICKY: Who remembers! I’m scared…my days are numbered.
VINNIE: You’re not alone – it does help to have Sponsors.
RICKY: You do?
VINNIE: You’ll get them if you go a few rounds…people bet on you to survive – like the Dance Marathons in the old movie, “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They“?
RICKY: Well, that gives me incentive!
VINNIE: Be positive – ever play ‘Russian Roulette’?
RICKY: Do you split 8’s?
VINNIE: No, but you’ll be playing it soon – without a Passport!
RICKY: You got kids?
VINNIE: What are you – the Census? Sure, I got millions – they don’t write, never call!
RICKY: What’s that white flag doing over there in the corner of your cage?
VINNIE: When I’ve had enough, okay!
RICKY: Hey, don’t get upset – see you tomorrow?
VINNIE: From your lips to Dr. Fauci’s ears!
RICKY: Oh, I forgot – have you tried ‘Chloroquine’ yet?
VINNIE: Are you kidding me – I was the first!
RICKY: Well, well…how do you feel?
VINNIE CRICKS HIS NECK & WINCES.
VINNIE: Oy, only when it rains!


humortimes--2020-04-25--Next Global Pandemic Already Predicted

Next Global Pandemic Already Predicted

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk !
@ @ @ @ @ say they have uncovered the “ next global pandemic.
” The predictive Analytic and Anosognosic @ @ @ @ @ Service has unearthed a virus that they predict will become the next global pandemic .
@ @ @ @ @ Krappski of the Slobovian National Health Foundation to validate the findings , the SSS released @ @ @ @ @ found virus dubbed the “ Crapella Virus ” could spread worldwide by mid-2021 .
The @ @ @ @ @ humans will be fostered by people being over-exposed to bullshit .
Since there is no @ @ @ @ @ will be no cure for the novel Crapella Virus .
Dr. Krappski said that the @ @ @ @ @ pandemic will be proactive social distancing .
All humans should adhere to a social distance @ @ @ @ @ a typo ) from the following bullshit purveyors :

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
The Slobovian Secret Service say they have uncovered the “next global pandemic.”
Part of the "Dispatches from SNN" series (Slobovian News Network).
The predictive Analytic and Anosognosic Department of the Slobovian Secret Service has unearthed a virus that they predict will become the next global pandemic.
After consulting with Dr. Buncha Krappski of the Slobovian National Health Foundation to validate the findings, the SSS released a statement that the new found virus dubbed the “Crapella Virus” could spread worldwide by mid-2021.
The spread of the virus among humans will be fostered by people being over-exposed to bullshit. Since there is no cure for bullshit, there will be no cure for the novel Crapella Virus. Dr. Krappski said that the only way to avoid the pandemic will be proactive social distancing.
All humans should adhere to a social distance of 600 feet (not a typo) from the following bullshit purveyors:


humortimes--2020-04-25--The Deadly Economic Disease Behind COVID-19

Our country ’ s present “ economic disease ” is not simply caused by a sudden viral outbreak but by severe , decades-long plutocratic policies .
In this horrible time of economic collapse , it is truly touching to see so many corporate chieftains reaching out in solidarity to the hard-hit working class .
We know they ’ re doing this , because they keep telling us they are — practically every brand-name giant has been spending millions of dollars on PR campaigns in recent weeks asserting that they ’ re standing with us , declaring over and over , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ together.
” Except , of course , they ’ re really not standing anywhere near us .
While we ’ re waiting in endless lines at food banks and unemployment offices , the elites sit in posh executive suites , still getting fat paychecks , total health care and platinum-level pampering , as well as multibillion-dollar bailouts for their corporations .
They ’ ll even get a tax subsidy to pay for those “ all in this together ” ads .
The severity and gross disparity of our country ’ s present “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by a sudden viral outbreak but by a severe , decades-long plutocratic policy of intentionally maximizing profits for the rich and minimizing everyone else ’ s well-being .
As the eminent economist Joseph Stiglitz rightly put it , “ We built an economy with no shock absorbers.
” Jobs , once the measure of a family ’ s economic security , have steadily been shriveled to low-wage , unreliable work , untethered from a fair share ( or any share ) of the new wealth that workers create .
In a relentless push @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s executives and financiers are focused solely on themselves , with no concern even for the long-term condition of their own corporate entity , much less for the common good .
They ’ ve abandoned any pretense that a corporation is a civilized community of interdependent interests .
For example , while top executives are richly covered , they ’ re washing their hands of any responsibility for the health , retirement and other essential needs of their own workforce .
Rely on food stamps , Obamacare and other publicly funded programs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lobbyists and for-sale lawmakers slash those safety net provisions in the name of helping rich shareholders and speculators take evermore profit .
These forces of American greed have forced millions of our families to live on the economic precipice — and all it takes is a virus to push them over .
In addition to exposing the gaping wealth divide in America , the COVID-19 crisis is spotlighting an ugly ethical divide .
On the one hand , the pandemic has brought out the best in the American people — the selflessness of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , as well as the generous community spirit of local food businesses .
Yet , on the other hand , it has also amplified one of the worst character flaws in our society , namely the “ me-first ” greed of corporate chieftains .
Just last August , we were given a glimmer of hope that a new , more democratic corporate ethic was emerging .
In a major PR splash , the CEOs of 181 big-name giants signed a public pledge that they would run their corporations not solely to increase shareholder @ @ @ @ @ @ @ communities and other “ stakeholders ” in our economy .
Then , only five months later , BOOM !
The coronavirus hit .
Profits dropped .
And the new magnanimous spirit of togetherness vanished from those corporate boardrooms .
Immediately , masses of workers were punted out the door ; health benefits were coldly terminated just when needed most ; and the August pledge to serve the common good went into the shredder .
Well , retorted such pledge signers as Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson , with revenues drying up , all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
In a March video message dispatching most of the hotel empire ’ s employees , Sorenson cluelessly added this insult to their injury : “ I wish you good health and a sense of optimism.
” A couple of weeks later , the sting of corporate greed was felt even more acutely by workers when they learned that not all stakeholders were sharing their pain .
While the Marriott board cut off workers ’ paychecks , it doled out $ 160 million to those who own its stock , a group that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ CEO did say he ’ ll forgo some of his $ 1.3 million salary this year .
But that ’ s a disingenuous show of solidarity , since his annual pay has apparently been quietly goosed up with some $ 11 million in stock compensation and incentive pay .
And , while workers are now consigned to the unemployment line , Sorenson is reportedly in line for a 7.7 % pay hike next year , plus a multimillion-dollar cash bonus .
In CorporateWorld , the more things change , the more they stay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the corporate greed system will only be fixed when we outsiders impose real change on these incurably greed-headed insiders .

Our country’s present “economic disease” is not simply caused by a sudden viral outbreak but by severe, decades-long plutocratic policies.
In this horrible time of economic collapse, it is truly touching to see so many corporate chieftains reaching out in solidarity to the hard-hit working class.
We know they’re doing this, because they keep telling us they are — practically every brand-name giant has been spending millions of dollars on PR campaigns in recent weeks asserting that they’re standing with us, declaring over and over, “We’re all in this together.”
Except, of course, they’re really not standing anywhere near us. While we’re waiting in endless lines at food banks and unemployment offices, the elites sit in posh executive suites, still getting fat paychecks, total health care and platinum-level pampering, as well as multibillion-dollar bailouts for their corporations. They’ll even get a tax subsidy to pay for those “all in this together” ads.
The severity and gross disparity of our country’s present “economic disease” is not simply caused by a sudden viral outbreak but by a severe, decades-long plutocratic policy of intentionally maximizing profits for the rich and minimizing everyone else’s well-being. As the eminent economist Joseph Stiglitz rightly put it, “We built an economy with no shock absorbers.”
Jobs, once the measure of a family’s economic security, have steadily been shriveled to low-wage, unreliable work, untethered from a fair share (or any share) of the new wealth that workers create. In a relentless push for exorbitant, short-term profits, today’s executives and financiers are focused solely on themselves, with no concern even for the long-term condition of their own corporate entity, much less for the common good. They’ve abandoned any pretense that a corporation is a civilized community of interdependent interests. For example, while top executives are richly covered, they’re washing their hands of any responsibility for the health, retirement and other essential needs of their own workforce. Rely on food stamps, Obamacare and other publicly funded programs, they say, even as their lobbyists and for-sale lawmakers slash those safety net provisions in the name of helping rich shareholders and speculators take evermore profit.
These forces of American greed have forced millions of our families to live on the economic precipice — and all it takes is a virus to push them over.
In addition to exposing the gaping wealth divide in America, the COVID-19 crisis is spotlighting an ugly ethical divide. On the one hand, the pandemic has brought out the best in the American people — the selflessness of front-line nurses and doctors, for example, as well as the generous community spirit of local food businesses. Yet, on the other hand, it has also amplified one of the worst character flaws in our society, namely the “me-first” greed of corporate chieftains.
Just last August, we were given a glimmer of hope that a new, more democratic corporate ethic was emerging. In a major PR splash, the CEOs of 181 big-name giants signed a public pledge that they would run their corporations not solely to increase shareholder profits but also to benefit workers, communities and other “stakeholders” in our economy. Then, only five months later, BOOM! The coronavirus hit. Profits dropped. And the new magnanimous spirit of togetherness vanished from those corporate boardrooms. Immediately, masses of workers were punted out the door; health benefits were coldly terminated just when needed most; and the August pledge to serve the common good went into the shredder.
Well, retorted such pledge signers as Marriott International CEO Arne Sorenson, with revenues drying up, all promises are negated … so, adios. In a March video message dispatching most of the hotel empire’s employees, Sorenson cluelessly added this insult to their injury: “I wish you good health and a sense of optimism.”
A couple of weeks later, the sting of corporate greed was felt even more acutely by workers when they learned that not all stakeholders were sharing their pain. While the Marriott board cut off workers’ paychecks, it doled out $160 million to those who own its stock, a group that includes Sorenson. In fairness, the CEO did say he’ll forgo some of his $1.3 million salary this year. But that’s a disingenuous show of solidarity, since his annual pay has apparently been quietly goosed up with some $11 million in stock compensation and incentive pay. And, while workers are now consigned to the unemployment line, Sorenson is reportedly in line for a 7.7% pay hike next year, plus a multimillion-dollar cash bonus.
In CorporateWorld, the more things change, the more they stay the same. That’s why the corporate greed system will only be fixed when we outsiders impose real change on these incurably greed-headed insiders.


humortimes--2020-04-25--Kim Jong Un Accepts Endorsement Deal with 7-Up

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
New endorsement deal to feature Kim Jong Un as spokesman for the popular soda .
To add to all of the swirling rumors and growing confusion concerning Kim Jong Un ’ s current state of health and whereabouts , it has now been reported that he has recently entered into a commercial endorsement deal for the popular soft drink , 7-up .
The agreement , according to unnamed sources , will feature the North Korean leader in several thirty-second @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Kim Jong Un-Cola , ” with the slogan : “ Thermonuclear thirst demands thermonuclear refreshment !
” Some experts see this as yet another indication of North Korea ‘ s desire to become more “ westernized , ” while others believe that Kim Jong Un has now gone completely mad , and intends to name the soda as his successor .
President Trump , not to be outdone , is now seeking his own soft drink endorsement .
According to presidential aids , they may have already found the perfect fit for @ @ @ @ @

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
New endorsement deal to feature Kim Jong Un as spokesman for the popular soda.
To add to all of the swirling rumors and growing confusion concerning Kim Jong Un’s current state of health and whereabouts, it has now been reported that he has recently entered into a commercial endorsement deal for the popular soft drink, 7-up.
The agreement, according to unnamed sources, will feature the North Korean leader in several thirty-second spots touting the lemon-lime soda as the “Kim Jong Un-Cola,” with the slogan: “Thermonuclear thirst demands thermonuclear refreshment!”
Some experts see this as yet another indication of North Korea‘s desire to become more “westernized,” while others believe that Kim Jong Un has now gone completely mad, and intends to name the soda as his successor.
President Trump, not to be outdone, is now seeking his own soft drink endorsement. According to presidential aides, they may have already found the perfect fit for Trump in Fanta Orange.


humortimes--2020-04-25--The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Act 1, Pages 10-15

The play ’ s run in New York City may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all here !
Today , we present Act 1 , Pages 10-15 .
Jerry moves over to the studio .
A silhouette of Senator Bernie Sanders is behind the screen .
From under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
The intern pumps Jerry up by shaking his shoulders .
Jerry throws fake punches .
The intern hands him the microphone .
Welcome to the show everyone .
Is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it is .
Today on the show , my guest is the Independent Senator from Vermont Bernie Sanders .
Let ’ s get to it .
Bernie for 2020 .
What ’ s this nonsense about live from under a rock ?
I almost didn ’ t make it .
Thank goodness I found an earthworm that knew which rock you were under .
You look hot and sweaty .
Can I get you something to drink ?
Let ’ s talk about the 2016 election .
You almost won the Democratic nomination @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had all those super delegates before the campaign began .
It was rigged .
It was definitely rigged .
Give America back to the people .
But you ended up winning 23 states in the primary .
Wisconsin , Michigan… .
Washington , Oregon , West Virginia and so forth .
Nobody thought I ’ d win anything .
I had larger crowds in Seattle in one day than the Mariners had all season .
28,000 people in Selma , Alabama .
Speaking of Alabama , I have a couple of jokes .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ be born in Alabama ?
Because they couldn ’ t find three wise men or a virgin .
Here ’ s another one .
Why are rectal thermometers banned in Alabama ?
They cause too much brain damage .
You should be doing weekends at The Comedy Store .
Better yet .
I should be the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm .
I look more like Larry David than he does .
Let ’ s go over your record .
You served longer than any person in Congress–27 years .
You were elected @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and the Senate in 2006 .
You are a progressive voice for healthcare , campaign finance reform and climate change .
Let me stop you at climate change .
Donald Trump and the Republicans are climate deniers .
Yet 97 % of scientists say it ’ s a fact .
There ’ s so little sea ice left in the Arctic that polar bears are hitchhiking to Minnesota to find an ice cube .
Can you imagine ?
You were a carpenter after college .
Is that true ?
Yes .
I built @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for 40 days and 40 nights .
Some putz named Noah ripped me off .
Two of everything were on board…lions , elephants , cows , Republicans , Democrats , Independents .
We ran out of food , so I had to turn back to New York .
What happened to the ark ?
Are you running for president again ?
You ’ re up in age .
Excuse me .
I ’ m 78 years young and will be the next president of the United States .
I promise every American a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bernie ’ s Yearning ice cream .
Calories , shmalories .
My motto is “ Eat today , wear it tomorrow.
” Words of wisdom from the man who knew Abe Lincoln .
No , no .
Let me make it perfectly clear .
It ’ s my Uncle Abe and he made a delicious chicken soup .
Okay .
That ’ s a wrap for today everybody .
24 hours in a day .
24 beers in a case .
Where ’ s my beer ?
Everybody ’ s got ta believe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more beer .
Jerry moves over to his apartment .
Jerry sits in his chair holding a beer can .
Maggie enters .
Oh , no you won ’ t !
Mother ?
!
You ’ re the reason I drink .
I want to drown my sorrows .
This will make you feel good .
Last Saturday night , I was at the annual Angel Ball .
How long will this take ?
Stop it .
I ’ m trying to tell the story .
Why ?
Are you going somewhere ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ you think I ran into ?
No .
My friends that bragged about their sons .
The doctor , lawyer and accountant .
I turned out to be just as successful .
The doctor went to prison for prescribing illegal drugs .
The lawyer got disbarred for embezzlement and the accountant went to jail for tax evasion .
Does it get any better ?
They both laugh in unison .
Your mother loves you .
Always remember that , son .
Now about finding a nice girl to settle down with .
Not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ niece that ’ s single .
Never been married .
Very pretty face .
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror ?
Guys don ’ t have to be good looking , as long as they have money .
Alright , mother .
I have a show to do .

The play’s run in New York City may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all here! Today, we present Act 1, Pages 10-15.
Jerry moves over to the studio. A silhouette of Senator Bernie Sanders is behind the screen.
Scene 4 Radio Station
ANNOUNCER
From under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
The intern pumps Jerry up by shaking his shoulders. Jerry throws fake punches. The intern hands him the microphone.
JERRY
Welcome to the show everyone. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
Yes, it is.
JERRY
Today on the show, my guest is the Independent Senator from Vermont Bernie Sanders. Let’s get to it.
Jerry walks behind the screen.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Bernie for 2020. What’s this nonsense about live from under a rock? I almost didn’t make it. Thank goodness I found an earthworm that knew which rock you were under.
JERRY
You look hot and sweaty. Can I get you something to drink?
SANDERS
Got an egg cream?
JERRY
A what?
SANDERS
Forget it. It’s a New York thing.
JERRY
Let’s talk about the 2016 election. You almost won the Democratic nomination.
SANDERS
I should have won. Hillary had all those super delegates before the campaign began. It was rigged. It was definitely rigged. Give America back to the people.
JERRY
But you ended up winning 23 states in the primary. Wisconsin, Michigan….
SANDERS
Washington, Oregon, West Virginia and so forth. Nobody thought I’d win anything. I had larger crowds in Seattle in one day than the Mariners had all season.
JERRY
That team sucks.
SANDERS
28,000 people in Selma, Alabama. Speaking of Alabama, I have a couple of jokes.
JERRY
Okay.
SANDERS
Why couldn’t the baby Jesus be born in Alabama?
JERRY
I don’t know.
SANDERS
Because they couldn’t find three wise men or a virgin.
Both are laughing.
SANDERS
Here’s another one. Why are rectal thermometers banned in Alabama?
JERRY
Got me.
SANDERS
They cause too much brain damage.
JERRY
You should be doing weekends at The Comedy Store.
SANDERS
Better yet. I should be the star of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I look more like Larry David than he does.
JERRY
Let’s go over your record. You served longer than any person in Congress–27 years.
SANDERS
True.
JERRY
You were elected to the House of Representatives in 1990 and the Senate in 2006. You are a progressive voice for healthcare, campaign finance reform and climate change.
SANDERS
Let me stop you at climate change. Donald Trump and the Republicans are climate deniers. Yet 97% of scientists say it’s a fact. There’s so little sea ice left in the Arctic that polar bears are hitchhiking to Minnesota to find an ice cube. Can you imagine?
JERRY
You were a carpenter after college. Is that true?
SANDERS
Yes. I built an ark that sailed in the Atlantic for 40 days and 40 nights. Some putz named Noah ripped me off. Two of everything were on board…lions, elephants, cows, Republicans, Democrats, Independents. We ran out of food, so I had to turn back to New York.
JERRY
What happened to the ark?
SANDERS
It’s a ship in the Bangladesh Navy.
JERRY
Are you running for president again? You’re up in age.
SANDERS
Excuse me. I’m 78 years young and will be the next president of the United States. I promise every American a quart of Ben and Jerry’s Bernie’s Yearning ice cream.
JERRY
That’s fattening. A half cup is 250 calories.
SANDERS
Calories, shmalories. My motto is “Eat today, wear it tomorrow.”
JERRY
Words of wisdom from the man who knew Abe Lincoln.
SANDERS
No, no. Let me make it perfectly clear. It’s my Uncle Abe and he made a delicious chicken soup.
SANDERS
Bernie in 2020.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.
Jerry exits the screen.
INTERN
Okay. That’s a wrap for today everybody.
JERRY
24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Where’s my beer?
INTERN
I’ll get it.
JERRY
Everybody’s gotta believe in something. And I believe in more beer.
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
Scene 5 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry sits in his chair holding a beer can. Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
Oh, no you won’t!
JERRY
Mother?! You’re the reason I drink. I want to drown my sorrows.
MAGGIE
This will make you feel good. Last Saturday night, I was at the annual Angel Ball.
JERRY
How long will this take?
MAGGIE
Stop it. I’m trying to tell the story. Why? Are you going somewhere?
JERRY
I’m going crazy.
MAGGIE
So low and behold. Who do you think I ran into?
JERRY
Bob Dole?
MAGGIE
He’s alive, you idiot.
JERRY
Oops.
MAGGIE
No. My friends that bragged about their sons. The doctor, lawyer and accountant.
JERRY
I turned out to be just as successful.
MAGGIE
More successful.
JERRY
What?
MAGGIE
The doctor went to prison for prescribing illegal drugs. The lawyer got disbarred for embezzlement and the accountant went to jail for tax evasion. Does it get any better?
They both laugh in unison.
JERRY AND MAGGIE
Bahaha, bahaha. Boo hoo hoo, boo hoo hoo.
MAGGIE
Your mother loves you. Always remember that, son. Now about finding a nice girl to settle down with.
JERRY
Not this again.
MAGGIE
Mrs. Anderson has a niece that’s single. Never been married. Very pretty face.
JERRY
Translation. Chubby and desperate.
MAGGIE
Have you looked at yourself in the mirror?
JERRY
Guys don’t have to be good looking, as long as they have money. Alright, mother. I have a show to do.
TO BE CONTINUED…


humortimes--2020-04-25--‘Doobies Not Boobies’ – an Excerpt from ‘Ninety-Nine Stories’

The following short story is an excerpt from the new e-book “ Ninety-Nine Stories ” by Barry Fiegel ( 292 pages , available on Amazon for $ 9.99 ) .
This is but a random sample , one of the wide-ranging topics covered in the 99 stories therein .
( See ad on this site , right column . )
First of all , for a person who may not know what a “ doobie ” is , a doobie is a marijuana cigarette , also called a “ joint , ” among other terms .
It ’ s not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Doobies Not Boobies advocate drug use—we don ’ t .
We are neither for nor against the use of drugs .
( What we are in favor of is freedom : freedom of choice . )
Instead , we advocate that people—females especially—think a bit , before they voluntarily undergo surgery—have a boob job—for no good reason .
Take for example the real-life example of this pop-music entertainer called Beyoncé .
In one of those People-like or Us-like magazines we of DNB saw a photograph of Beyoncé from the year 2001 and a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in 2011 .
In the 2001 photograph it was obvious that Beyoncé ’ s chest was her natural , normal chest but in the 2011 photograph it was equally obvious that she ’ d had her mammary glands pumped up with jelly or whatever that stuff is , but we thought that Beyoncé looked a lot better ( hotter , sexier ) in the “ before ” photograph than in the “ after ” photograph , so what does that tell you ?
Another example is Michelle Obama , the “ first lady @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Actually , Michelle Obama is the de facto “ poster person ” of Doobies Not Boobies , because she looks fine—she looks terrific—without her ever having undergone unnecessary , and even undesirable , cosmetic surgery .
Also we of DNB think that the implicit “ message ” of someone such as Michelle Obama is as if to say : “ Hey , Ladies—girls and women ( also boys and men ) —wake up .
Get a life .
Don ’ t be so vain .
Don ’ t be so small-minded .
Instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heroic women of the present and the past : your mothers , grandmothers , great-grandmothers : Isn ’ t it pretty obvious that they had more important and significant things to do with their life and time than fret about the size and shape of their breast and chest ?
Even if , hypothetically , they could have , would they have wasted their time and money on something as trivial and frivolous and unnecessary as breast ‘ enhancement ’ or the like ?
” Well , that ’ s enough said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ have a good day .

The following short story is an excerpt from the new e-book “Ninety-Nine Stories” by Barry Fiegel (292 pages, available on Amazon for $9.99). This is but a random sample, one of the wide-ranging topics covered in the 99 stories therein. (See ad on this site, right column.)
Doobies Not Boobies
by Barry Fiegel
First of all, for a person who may not know what a “doobie” is, a doobie is a marijuana cigarette, also called a “joint,” among other terms. It’s not, however, as if we of Doobies Not Boobies advocate drug use—we don’t. We are neither for nor against the use of drugs. (What we are in favor of is freedom: freedom of choice.) Instead, we advocate that people—females especially—think a bit, before they voluntarily undergo surgery—have a boob job—for no good reason.
Take for example the real-life example of this pop-music entertainer called Beyoncé. In one of those People-like or Us-like magazines we of DNB saw a photograph of Beyoncé from the year 2001 and a photograph of her ten years later, in 2011. In the 2001 photograph it was obvious that Beyoncé’s chest was her natural, normal chest but in the 2011 photograph it was equally obvious that she’d had her mammary glands pumped up with jelly or whatever that stuff is, but we thought that Beyoncé looked a lot better (hotter, sexier) in the “before” photograph than in the “after” photograph, so what does that tell you?
(And her looking better/hotter/sexier in the “before” photograph definitely didn’t have anything to do with her being ten years younger in that photograph, either.)
Another example is Michelle Obama, the “first lady” of the United States government. Actually, Michelle Obama is the de facto “poster person” of Doobies Not Boobies, because she looks fine—she looks terrific—without her ever having undergone unnecessary, and even undesirable, cosmetic surgery.
Also we of DNB think that the implicit “message” of someone such as Michelle Obama is as if to say: “Hey, Ladies—girls and women (also boys and men)—wake up. Get a life. Don’t be so vain. Don’t be so small-minded. Instead, reflect for a bit on the heroic women of the present and the past: your mothers, grandmothers, great-grandmothers: Isn’t it pretty obvious that they had more important and significant things to do with their life and time than fret about the size and shape of their breast and chest? Even if, hypothetically, they could have, would they have wasted their time and money on something as trivial and frivolous and unnecessary as breast ‘enhancement’ or the like?”
Well, that’s enough said.
Thank you for your time, and have a good day.


humortimes--2020-04-28--Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/28/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/28/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Keith Richards ain ’ t going outside , what the f % & k ’ s your excuse not to stay at home ?
!
Medical fetish site donates entire stock of scrubs after being contacted by “ desperate ’ health officials ” Damn , guess they ’ re going to have to find something else to play besides “ Doctor.
” Frankly , I ’ d rather have Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil give me medical advice .
At least with Seuss , there ’ s a rhyme to his reason .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ gone up among younger people Probably because , just like them , he ’ s moved into his family ’ s basement with no signs of ever moving out .
Kristin Cavallari and Husband Jay Cutler are getting divorced after 10 years together I ’ m shocked , shocked he ever made a pass at anyone that was completed !
Damn it , Florida , just because you ’ re shaped like a big hanging dick doesn ’ t mean you have to act like one .
If Kim Jong Un dies , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over Makes sense , Trump always eventually goes for the Hotter , Jonger Un .
One question : What day is it again ?
Watch Kim Kardashian squeeze into skin-tight Balmain latex suit she wore for Paris fashion week You ’ d think she ’ d wait until Halloween to dress up as an action hero condom .
Proxy firm wants Shaq off Papa John ’ s board for missing too many meetings And , still taking advantage of all the free delivery .
Princess Cruises say they will stay shutdown until January @ @ @ @ @ @ @ open .
Exclusive : Neiman Marcus to file for bankruptcy as soon as this week Look for it to now be called Neiman Markdown .
Personally , I ’ m just hoping the Lysol keeps me alive long enough to see my 409K retirement fund recover .
Records show smugglers sawed into Trump ’ s border wall 18 times in one month in the San Diego area … sadder still , they were escaping into Mexico …

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
‘The Rolling Stones’ nail remote performance of a classic during ‘One World’ concert
And, if Keith Richards ain’t going outside, what the f%&k’s your excuse not to stay at home?!
Medical fetish site donates entire stock of scrubs after being contacted by “desperate’ health officials”
Damn, guess they’re going to have to find something else to play besides “Doctor.”
Dr. Phil apologizes for comparing coronavirus deaths to swimming pool deaths
Frankly, I’d rather have Dr. Seuss than Dr. Phil give me medical advice. At least with Seuss, there’s a rhyme to his reason.
Joe Biden’s poll numbers have gone up among younger people
Probably because, just like them, he’s moved into his family’s basement with no signs of ever moving out.
Kristin Cavallari and Husband Jay Cutler are getting divorced after 10 years together
I’m shocked, shocked he ever made a pass at anyone that was completed!
Florida again has crowded beaches
Damn it, Florida, just because you’re shaped like a big hanging dick doesn’t mean you have to act like one.
If Kim Jong Un dies, his younger sister is primed to take over
Makes sense, Trump always eventually goes for the Hotter, Jonger Un.
Happy 420 Day
One question: What day is it again?
Watch Kim Kardashian squeeze into skin-tight Balmain latex suit she wore for Paris fashion week
You’d think she’d wait until Halloween to dress up as an action hero condom.
Proxy firm wants Shaq off Papa John’s board for missing too many meetings
And, still taking advantage of all the free delivery.
Princess Cruises say they will stay shutdown until January
… but the buffet lines will remain open.
Exclusive: Neiman Marcus to file for bankruptcy as soon as this week
Look for it to now be called Neiman Markdown.
Don’t inject disinfectants, Lysol warns as Trump raises idea
Personally, I’m just hoping the Lysol keeps me alive long enough to see my 409K retirement fund recover.
Records show smugglers sawed into Trump’s border wall 18 times in one month in the San Diego area
… sadder still, they were escaping into Mexico …


humortimes--2020-04-28--Biden to Run on Mediocrity

Biden to Run on Mediocrity

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Joe Biden unveils new campaign slogan : “ Return to Mediocrity ” in bid to excite the Democratic base .
In the 1920 presidential election following the end of WWI , Warren G. Harding ran on the slogan “ Return to Normalcy.
” “ America ’ s present need , ” Mr. Harding urged , “ is not heroics , but healing ; not nostrums , but normalcy… not the dramatic , but the dispassionate.
” 2020 presumptive democratic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Joe Biden , is following in Harding ’ s footsteps with a contemporary twist of his own , today unveiling his campaign slogan , “ Return to Mediocrity.
” “ I know I ’ m no hot shakes , ” Mr. Biden said from his home in Wilmington , DE .
“ But mediocrity is so astronomically far above the current president that I really don ’ t see any reason to do any heavy lifting , like striving for excellence in this campaign .
Let Trump be Trump and let me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the bag.
” “ Do you own a television ?
” former presidential policy advisor Merle Love asked .
“ Just watch Trump .
The Lunatic-in-Chief is beating himself to death with a podium and a cell phone and those incoherent late night Twitter rants and his Dr. Dumbass medical advice .
Just setting the bar at mediocre puts this thing well out of Trump ’ s reach.
” Marcus Pressman , known in political circles as “ The Touch of Electoral Death ” for never having worked on a winning campaign @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years , laughed .
“ Sounds like something I ’ d come up with , but this year it ’ s perfect .
“ “ It ’ s a mathematical fact that half the people in this country are below average , ” he explained .
“ That is Trump ’ s base .
The president is the foundation of that base .
The foundation , of course , is at the very bottom , below the base .
A rise to presidential mediocrity would be an absolute Godsend for this country.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ responded : “ I ’ m all about mediocrity but I don ’ t have time to study for it .
I ’ m studying to be a belly dancer .
” Jimmy Ray H. from Argumence , GA replied : “ I voted for the great President Donald Trump .
Going for mediocre seems kind of uppity to me , but if it fits on a bumper sticker it must be good policy .
That ’ s what I always say.
” Loretta T. from Big Hissy , TX said : “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of intense for me .
I think it ’ s time we exercise our constitutional right to sleep through an administration.
” The Trump campaign issued a written statement in response to a request for comment : “ The president has always supported an individual ’ s right to mediocrity , but he does not believe it is a prerequisite for higher office .
Mr. Trump will not rise to this bait and adopt mediocrity as a personal aspiration .
This is obviously a democratic ploy to make him seem snobbish and elitist.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ THE RISE TO MEDIOCRENESS .
TRUMP 2020 !
MAKE AMERICA MINE AGAIN !
!
!
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Joe Biden unveils new campaign slogan: “Return to Mediocrity” in bid to excite the Democratic base.
In the 1920 presidential election following the end of WWI, Warren G. Harding ran on the slogan “Return to Normalcy.”
“America’s present need,” Mr. Harding urged, “is not heroics, but healing; not nostrums, but normalcy… not the dramatic, but the dispassionate.”
2020 presumptive democratic presidential nominee and steadfast advocate of dispassion, Joe Biden, is following in Harding’s footsteps with a contemporary twist of his own, today unveiling his campaign slogan, “Return to Mediocrity.”
“I know I’m no hot shakes,” Mr. Biden said from his home in Wilmington, DE. “But mediocrity is so astronomically far above the current president that I really don’t see any reason to do any heavy lifting, like striving for excellence in this campaign. Let Trump be Trump and let me be me and this one’s in the bag.”
Most political strategists contacted by Humor Times agree.
“Do you own a television?” former presidential policy advisor Merle Love asked. “Just watch Trump. The Lunatic-in-Chief is beating himself to death with a podium and a cell phone and those incoherent late night Twitter rants and his Dr. Dumbass medical advice. Just setting the bar at mediocre puts this thing well out of Trump’s reach.”
Marcus Pressman, known in political circles as “The Touch of Electoral Death” for never having worked on a winning campaign in a career spanning more than 30 years, laughed. “Sounds like something I’d come up with, but this year it’s perfect. “
“It’s a mathematical fact that half the people in this country are below average,” he explained. “That is Trump’s base. The president is the foundation of that base. The foundation, of course, is at the very bottom, below the base. A rise to presidential mediocrity would be an absolute Godsend for this country.”
Americans responding to a Humor Times telephone poll largely agreed.
Jane D. from Lamar Heights, IN responded: “I’m all about mediocrity but I don’t have time to study for it. I’m studying to be a belly dancer. ”
Jimmy Ray H. from Argumence, GA replied: “I voted for the great President Donald Trump. Going for mediocre seems kind of uppity to me, but if it fits on a bumper sticker it must be good policy. That’s what I always say.”
Loretta T. from Big Hissy, TX said: “The last few years have been kind of intense for me. I think it’s time we exercise our constitutional right to sleep through an administration.”
The Trump campaign issued a written statement in response to a request for comment:
“The president has always supported an individual’s right to mediocrity, but he does not believe it is a prerequisite for higher office. Mr. Trump will not rise to this bait and adopt mediocrity as a personal aspiration. This is obviously a democratic ploy to make him seem snobbish and elitist.”
The president tweeted, “RESIST THE RISE TO MEDIOCRENESS. TRUMP 2020! MAKE AMERICA MINE AGAIN!!!”


humortimes--2020-04-28--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: The Uninvited Guess

An ignorant , unwanted and uninvited guess plagues U.S .
If you don ’ t mind , please don ’ @ @ @ @ @ think .
How stupid is Trump ?
How dark is black ?
If the hissy @ @ @ @ @ .
Those living in an ignorant state are easy to fool .
When the blind @ @ @ @ @ s a dark day indeed .
Where are the anti-quarantine protesters so anxious to gather @ @ @ @ @ ?
Wall Street gets bigger and bigger , while Main Street gets beggar and beggar @ @ @ @ @ Republican cohorts live in a state of “ moral ” bankruptcy .
We ’ re @ @ @ @ @ treading on US !
Trump doesn ’ t have a legacy to stand on .
@ @ @ @ @ you were four years ago ?
What have we got to lose ?
Several hundred @ @ @ @ @ If we all just lift each other up , imagine how high we can get @

An ignorant, unwanted and uninvited guess plagues U.S.
If you don’t mind, please don’t tell me what you think.
How stupid is Trump? How dark is black?
If the hissy fits, have a tantrum.
A falsifier burns out of control.
Those living in an ignorant state are easy to fool.
When the blind lead the blind it’s a dark day indeed.
Where are the anti-quarantine protesters so anxious to gather together? In the morgue?
Less patience equals more patients.
Price-gouging justice: Hoarder in the court.
Wall Street gets bigger and bigger, while Main Street gets beggar and beggar.
Don’t go blind oversight.
Mitch McConnell and his Republican cohorts live in a state of “moral” bankruptcy.
We’re sick and tired of your treading on US!
Trump doesn’t have a legacy to stand on.
Are you bitter off than you were four years ago?
Trump 2020: Flush with success.
What have we got to lose? Several hundred pounds of ugly fat.
If we all just lift each other up, imagine how high we can get.
Don’t underestimate nothing.


humortimes--2020-04-28--The Jerry Duncan Play, Act 1, Pages 16-23

The play ’ s run in New York City may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all here !
Jerry moves over to the radio station and stands in front of the screen .
The intern playfully slaps his face .
He is pumped .
Mike Pence ’ s silhouette is visible .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Yes , it is .
That ’ s right .
Today on the show my guest is the 48th Vice President of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ goes behind the screen .
God bless you and all that you do .
You got the wrong dude .
I ’ m not Pat Boone .
I know you ’ re a religious man .
You , my friend just met Satan .
Is this The Jerry Springer Show ?
Congratulations .
The blood test came back and you ’ re the father of Bart Simpson .
What am I going to tell my wife ?
Forgive me , Mother .
Oh .
Thank goodnesss .
The Lord could have water boarded @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t you working for an asshole ?
People underestimate Donald Trump .
He ’ s signed more laws in 100 days than any president in office .
They ’ re not laws .
Ever hear the words Executive Order ?
Name one that benefits Americans .
You believe in abstinence .
What ’ s wrong with guys using rubbers ?
No , no , no .
We need latex for gloves .
Restaurants and hospitals could disappear .
So would good old fun in the back seat of a car .
Now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Russians interfere with our 2016 elections ?
17 intelligence agencies concluded “ yes.
” But Trump said it could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds .
What do you believe ?
I only know one person who weights 400 pounds .
That ’ s my good friend Chris Christie .
I have to disagree with the president .
You heard it here , folks .
The Russians hacked our elections .
The Trumpster is going to give you a spanking , Mikey .
He probably tweeted something bad about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ media , here ’ s the tweet .
“ I ’ m cleaning out your desk , Veep .
You ’ ll find your things on the White House lawn .
Sad.
” I can ’ t believe it .
I was so close to being president .
Mother already measured the drapes in the White House .
That ’ s how confident we were he ’ d resign .
If it ’ s any consolation , here ’ s a going away present .
It ’ s a good book .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of 50 Shades of Grey .
Lots of stories about sinners .
Enjoy .
See you after the commercial .
Two hour break everybody .
The roach coach is outside if you ’ re hungry .
Jerry moves over to his apartment .
Jerry is seated in his chair .
He is interrupted by the intern .
Damn it .
I have to make a phone call .
He hangs up the phone and looks straight ahead .
Never mind .
What is it ?
I always wanted to ask how you started @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stripping down to his briefs .
Well .
I was an intern at a small radio station with only five employees .
Learned how to operate an audio console , write copy for news broadcasts and make cold , shitty coffee just like you .
Anything I was asked to do .
The intern is standing in his briefs .
How did you get your own show ?
Funny story .
One of the hosts of Morning Star quit on the air .
So I grabbed the microphone and started ripping Little Johnny @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and I was an overnight sensation .
Had my own show the next day .
Jerry turns around to see the intern in his briefs holding a pencil between his teeth .
What the hell are you doing ?
That ’ s what the girls on Fox News do .
Jerry moves over to the radio station .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Welcome back everybody .
Is it s good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The 43rd president of the United States George W. Bush .
Before we get started , I brought you a gift .
A bale of hay from your ranch ?
No .
Painted a portrait of you .
You were the president for two terms .
The first election in 2008 , you beat Al Gore by just 537 votes .
The Supreme Court had to declare the winner .
That ’ s because of confused Hebrews in Florida .
You were a drunk before you met your wife Laura .
That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drank everything I could get my hands on .
Crashed my old man ’ s car into a pole .
No .
But an Italian walking with him was slightly injured .
Did you go to jail ?
No .
I had a Get Out Of Jail Free card that I kept from Monopoly .
Yes , sir .
She was the original desperate housewife .
You worked on your father ’ s presidential campaign in 1988 .
Then became the Governor of Texas from 1995-2000 .
And that ’ s how I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Your first year as president , the Twin Towers in New York City were attacked by Saudi terrorists on September 11 , 2001 .
What was going on in your head ?
You started wars in Iraq and Afghanistan .
I understand why you wanted to smoke out Osama bin laden , the mastermind behind 9/11 .
But why Saddam Hussein ?
Why not ?
It ’ s only a 10 hour plane ride from Afghanistan to Iraq .
I have plenty of frequent flier miles .
( chuckles ) Hehehe .
Let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You increased Federal spending and cut taxes for the wealthy .
Not funny .
When you took office , there was a $ 237 billion dollar surplus .
When you left office eight years later , there was a deficit of $ 162 billion .
It ’ s Newton ’ s law of gravy .
What goes up must come down .
My urologist told me that before I took Viagra .
What about Hurricane Katrina ?
You didn ’ t do a damn thing in New Orleans for two days .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
There was fishin in the French Quarter .
I caught me a big Red Snapper on Bourbon Street .
What do you think of our man Trump being elected president ?
Because of the Donald , I ’ m no longer a joke .
That ’ s your opinion , fella .
Time to end this show .
See you after the commercial .
Jerry shakes Bush ’ s hand who is seen giggling .
All right .
Be back here in two hours .
Woody Allen is next .

The play’s run in New York City may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all here!
Today, we present Act 1, Pages 16-23.
Scene 6 Radio Station
Jerry moves over to the radio station and stands in front of the screen. The intern playfully slaps his face. He is pumped. Mike Pence’s silhouette is visible.
JERRY
Who’s next?
INTERN
Mike Pence.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Is it a good morning?
INTERN
Yes, it is. That’s right.
JERRY
Today on the show my guest is the 48th Vice President of the United States Mike Pence.
Jerry goes behind the screen.
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE
God bless you and all that you do.
JERRY
You got the wrong dude. I’m not Pat Boone.
PENCE
Jesus?
JERRY
I know you’re a religious man. You, my friend just met Satan.
PENCE
Is this The Jerry Springer Show?
JERRY
Congratulations. The blood test came back and you’re the father of Bart Simpson.
PENCE
What am I going to tell my wife? Forgive me, Mother.
JERRY
Calm down, fella. It’s a joke.
PENCE
Oh. Thank goodnesss. The Lord could have water boarded me.
JERRY
Speaking of torture. Aren’t you working for an asshole?
PENCE
People underestimate Donald Trump. He’s signed more laws in 100 days than any president in office.
JERRY
They’re not laws. Ever hear the words Executive Order? Name one that benefits Americans.
PENCE
Being White.
JERRY
You believe in abstinence. What’s wrong with guys using rubbers?
PENCE
No, no, no. We need latex for gloves. Restaurants and hospitals could disappear.
JERRY
So would good old fun in the back seat of a car. Now once and for all. Did the Russians interfere with our 2016 elections? 17 intelligence agencies concluded “yes.” But Trump said it could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds. What do you believe?
PENCE
I only know one person who weights 400 pounds. That’s my good friend Chris Christie. I have to disagree with the president.
JERRY
You heard it here, folks. The Russians hacked our elections. The Trumpster is going to give you a spanking, Mikey.
PENCE
He probably tweeted something bad about me.
JERRY
Through the magic of social media, here’s the tweet. “I’m cleaning out your desk, Veep. You’ll find your things on the White House lawn. Sad.”
PENCE
I can’t believe it. I was so close to being president. Mother already measured the drapes in the White House. That’s how confident we were he’d resign.
JERRY
If it’s any consolation, here’s a going away present. It’s a good book.
PENCE
(excited) The Bible?
JERRY
You might say that.
PENCE
I never heard of 50 Shades of Grey.
JERRY
Lots of stories about sinners. Enjoy. See you after the commercial.
INTERN
Two hour break everybody. The roach coach is outside if you’re hungry.
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
Scene 7 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry is seated in his chair. He is interrupted by the intern.
INTERN
Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Damn it. I have to make a phone call.
He hangs up the phone and looks straight ahead.
JERRY
Never mind. What is it?
INTERN
I always wanted to ask how you started in this business.
The intern begins stripping down to his briefs.
JERRY
Well. I was an intern at a small radio station with only five employees. Learned how to operate an audio console, write copy for news broadcasts and make cold, shitty coffee just like you. Anything I was asked to do.
The intern is standing in his briefs.
INTERN
How did you get your own show?
JERRY
Funny story. One of the hosts of Morning Star quit on the air. So I grabbed the microphone and started ripping Little Johnny jokes. The switch board lit up and I was an overnight sensation. Had my own show the next day.
INTERN
Cool. You’re an inspiration, Mr. Duncan.
Jerry turns around to see the intern in his briefs holding a pencil between his teeth.
JERRY
What the hell are you doing?
INTERN
That’s what the girls on Fox News do.
Jerry moves over to the radio station.
Scene 8 Radio Station
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Welcome back everybody. Is it s good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show we have a very special guest. The 43rd president of the United States George W. Bush.
PRESIDENT GEORGE W.BUSH
Muchos Taco Bell, Amigos.
JERRY
Whatever, El Stupido.
BUSH
Before we get started, I brought you a gift.
JERRY
A bale of hay from your ranch?
The sound of crumpling paper.
BUSH
No. Painted a portrait of you.
JERRY
That’s not me. It’s Steve Bannon.
BUSH
Oops. Wrong monster.
JERRY
You were the president for two terms. The first election in 2008, you beat Al Gore by just 537 votes. The Supreme Court had to declare the winner.
BUSH
That’s because of confused Hebrews in Florida.
JERRY
You were a drunk before you met your wife Laura.
BUSH
That’s right, partner. I drank everything I could get my hands on. Crashed my old man’s car into a pole.
JERRY
Was the pole damaged?
BUSH
No. But an Italian walking with him was slightly injured.
JERRY
Did you go to jail?
BUSH
No. I had a Get Out Of Jail Free card that I kept from Monopoly.
JERRY
Laura saved your ass.
BUSH
Yes, sir. She was the original desperate housewife.
JERRY
You worked on your father’s presidential campaign in 1988. Then became the Governor of Texas from 1995-2000.
BUSH
And that’s how I learned about the Axis of Evil.
JERRY
North Korea, Iraq and Iran. Right?
BUSH
Wrong. OJ Simpson, Charles Manson and Son of Sam.
JERRY
Your first year as president, the Twin Towers in New York City were attacked by Saudi terrorists on September 11, 2001. What was going on in your head?
BUSH
Where’s the nearest bathroom?
JERRY
You are delusional.
BUSH
I’m Methodist.
JERRY
You started wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. I understand why you wanted to smoke out Osama bin laden, the mastermind behind 9/11. But why Saddam Hussein?
BUSH
Why not? It’s only a 10 hour plane ride from Afghanistan to Iraq. I have plenty of frequent flier miles. (chuckles) Hehehe.
JERRY
Let’s discuss your time in office. You increased Federal spending and cut taxes for the wealthy.
BUSH
(chuckles) My peeps.
JERRY
Not funny. When you took office, there was a $237 billion dollar surplus. When you left office eight years later, there was a deficit of $162 billion.
BUSH
It’s Newton’s law of gravy. What goes up must come down.
JERRY
My urologist told me that before I took Viagra. What about Hurricane Katrina? You didn’t do a damn thing in New Orleans for two days.
BUSH
Hey. Look at the bright side. There was fishin in the French Quarter. I caught me a big Red Snapper on Bourbon Street.
JERRY
What do you think of our man Trump being elected president?
BUSH
Because of the Donald, I’m no longer a joke.
JERRY
That’s your opinion, fella. Time to end this show. See you after the commercial.
Jerry shakes Bush’s hand who is seen giggling.
INTERN
All right. Be back here in two hours. Woody Allen is next.
TO BE CONTINUED…


New Conspiracy Theories

America ’ s right wing is at risk of running out of serviceable conspiracy theories .
Here ’ s a few ideas !
America ’ s right wing is at risk of running out of serviceable conspiracy theories .
Although old standbys like the Illuminati and the New World Order can do in a pinch , after a while , they tend to lose their luster and pseudo-credibility .
From my perspective , the last strong conspiracy theory was Pizzagate , Hillary Clinton ’ s alleged pedophile ring run out of a Washington , D.C. pizzeria .
But that was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been a creative lapse since then .
These folks desperately need some new theories to attack their opponents and to buttress their support for Donald Trump .
So , in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation , I offer the following selection for their consideration : In early January of 2017 just before he left office , Barack Obama engaged a small army of his Muslim Marxist supporters to raid the national repository of toilet paper .
The plan was to destabilize America ’ s bathroom tissue supply chain and thereby bring the country @ @ @ @ @ @ @ secretly load over a billion tons on a ship headed east and south around the Cape of Good Hope to Kenya .
To those who doubt this fact , just ask yourself why you have never heard of a toilet paper shortage in East Africa .
Some folks think that China created the coronavirus with the intent of infecting America .
But the truth is that the Deep State developed the virus in China with the intent of spreading it to America to undermine the Trump administration .
It almost worked but , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ action of the very same Donald Trump , the pandemic damage was limited to a mere 100,000 American deaths .
It can now be revealed that , for years , Hillary Clinton procured countless young female virgins to satiate the needs of her husband Bill .
It turns out that they were not necessarily kidnapped for his sexual pleasure but rather to provide the necessary pure blood that he had to consume in order to survive .
The truth of this nefarious plot was recently confirmed when medical experts tested the pale-skinned , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was well over 175 years old .
Somehow a group of young leftwing interns was able to be hired on as White House kitchen staff acting as cooks and servers .
They were able to switch out food orders for President Trump making sure that he had an unhealthy cholesterol-and-sugar-laden diet comprised mostly of KFC , Big Macs and Diet Coke .
Their attempt to clog the President ’ s arteries and ultimately cause a stroke or heart attack was defeated by the fact that he was the healthiest person ever elected to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Teammates of Zion The National Basketball Association has suspended its season and not a moment too soon given the devious plans of some of the league ’ s players led by New Orleans Pelicans ’ power forward Zion Williamson .
Left to their own designs , this cabal of oversized athletes was intent on highjacking the entire league and turning it into a socialist enterprise .
Luckily , the forces of capitalism prevailed as the current pandemic exposed the players ’ evil plans .

America’s right wing is at risk of running out of serviceable conspiracy theories. Here’s a few ideas!
America’s right wing is at risk of running out of serviceable conspiracy theories. Although old standbys like the Illuminati and the New World Order can do in a pinch, after a while, they tend to lose their luster and pseudo-credibility.
From my perspective, the last strong conspiracy theory was Pizzagate, Hillary Clinton’s alleged pedophile ring run out of a Washington, D.C. pizzeria. But that was four years ago and there’s been a creative lapse since then.
These folks desperately need some new theories to attack their opponents and to buttress their support for Donald Trump. So, in the spirit of bipartisan cooperation, I offer the following selection for their consideration:
TP Gate
In early January of 2017 just before he left office, Barack Obama engaged a small army of his Muslim Marxist supporters to raid the national repository of toilet paper. The plan was to destabilize America’s bathroom tissue supply chain and thereby bring the country to its knees. They managed to secretly load over a billion tons on a ship headed east and south around the Cape of Good Hope to Kenya. To those who doubt this fact, just ask yourself why you have never heard of a toilet paper shortage in East Africa.
The Wuhan Virus
Some folks think that China created the coronavirus with the intent of infecting America. But the truth is that the Deep State developed the virus in China with the intent of spreading it to America to undermine the Trump administration. It almost worked but, ironically, thanks to the courageous rapid action of the very same Donald Trump, the pandemic damage was limited to a mere 100,000 American deaths.
Hillary Clinton, the Procurer
It can now be revealed that, for years, Hillary Clinton procured countless young female virgins to satiate the needs of her husband Bill. It turns out that they were not necessarily kidnapped for his sexual pleasure but rather to provide the necessary pure blood that he had to consume in order to survive. The truth of this nefarious plot was recently confirmed when medical experts tested the pale-skinned, sunlight-averse former president and discovered that he was well over 175 years old.
The Big Mac Attack
Somehow a group of young leftwing interns was able to be hired on as White House kitchen staff acting as cooks and servers. They were able to switch out food orders for President Trump making sure that he had an unhealthy cholesterol-and-sugar-laden diet comprised mostly of KFC, Big Macs and Diet Coke. Their attempt to clog the President’s arteries and ultimately cause a stroke or heart attack was defeated by the fact that he was the healthiest person ever elected to the presidency.
The Protocols of the Teammates of Zion
The National Basketball Association has suspended its season and not a moment too soon given the devious plans of some of the league’s players led by New Orleans Pelicans’ power forward Zion Williamson. Left to their own designs, this cabal of oversized athletes was intent on highjacking the entire league and turning it into a socialist enterprise. Luckily, the forces of capitalism prevailed as the current pandemic exposed the players’ evil plans.


humortimes--2020-04-30--Battle for a Female Running Mate for Joe Biden to be Settled on Upcoming Episode of AEW Dynamite

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
“ Handsy Joe ” Biden is said to have volunteered to “ rub the shoulders ” of contestants between rounds .
In an exclusive to SNN , our Washington political reporter Lance Gutter and our Washington insider Oofah Rhumpe-roaste report that the heated battle to select a dynamic and viable female running mate for Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden will be settled on an upcoming episode of the professional wrestling program All Elite Wrestling Dynamite .
The leading candidates @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Mississippi Double Mud Battle Royale.
” The match will be held in steel cage , in a ring filled with mud .
The cage will be surrounded with a mud filled moat .
To be eliminated , a competitor must be thrown over the top ring rope , then out of the steel cage and into the mud moat .
Already signed up are top competitors Elizabeth Warren , Kamala Harris , Stacey Abrams , Amy Klobuchar , Val Demings , Keisha Lance Bottoms , Gretchen Whitmer and Catherine Cortez Masto .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ but declined , stating that because of her Weight Watchers diet she couldn ’ t make fighting weight .
Michelle Obama also declined , stating that since her husband was out of work and she could not take the pay cut .
Hillary Clinton also opted out after Biden would not agree to the stipulation that if she won , she would become co-President .
The event will be refereed by Sarah Palin .
In other news , Lance Gutter ’ s new book “ The Gutteratti — 100 Famous People You Wouldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” will be out shortly .
Included in the book are Cain , George Washington , Adolph Hitler and Greta Garbo .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Exclusive Report: A “Mississippi Double Mud Battle Royale” will determine Joe Biden’s female running mate.
“Handsy Joe” Biden is said to have volunteered to “rub the shoulders” of contestants between rounds.
Latest in the continuing series: Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network).
In an exclusive to SNN, our Washington political reporter Lance Gutter and our Washington insider Oofah Rhumpe-roaste report that the heated battle to select a dynamic and viable female running mate for Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden will be settled on an upcoming episode of the professional wrestling program All Elite Wrestling Dynamite.
The leading candidates for the position will compete in a “Mississippi Double Mud Battle Royale.” The match will be held in steel cage, in a ring filled with mud. The cage will be surrounded with a mud filled moat.
To be eliminated, a competitor must be thrown over the top ring rope, then out of the steel cage and into the mud moat.
Already signed up are top competitors Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, Stacey Abrams, Amy Klobuchar, Val Demings, Keisha Lance Bottoms, Gretchen Whitmer and Catherine Cortez Masto.
Oprah Winfrey was invited to compete, but declined, stating that because of her Weight Watchers diet she couldn’t make fighting weight.
Michelle Obama also declined, stating that since her husband was out of work and she could not take the pay cut.
Hillary Clinton also opted out after Biden would not agree to the stipulation that if she won, she would become co-President.
The event will be refereed by Sarah Palin.
In other news, Lance Gutter’s new book “The Gutteratti — 100 Famous People You Wouldn’t Want to be Bothered With” will be out shortly. Included in the book are Cain, George Washington, Adolph Hitler and Greta Garbo.