humortimes--2020-08-20--White House Looks for Another Trump Monument Location

After the Mount Rushmore plan fell through , Trump ’ s team did not give up trying to find a suitable location for a proper Trump monument .
“ White House reached out to South Dakota governor about adding Trump to Mount Rushmore.
” — N. Y .
Times headline , August 9 , 2020 Apparently , Mount Rushmore was not the only monumental inquiry made by White House officials , as evidenced by these recent emails : We ’ d like to know if there is any provision for altering the Statue of Liberty to honor the greatest president @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Would it be possible to replace Lady Liberty ’ s head with that of Lord Libertine ?
To keep costs down , only minor alterations would be required to convert her gown to resemble a manly Roman toga .
If the budget could accommodate it , how about , instead of a torch , President Trump could hold up a Bible or possibly a Big Mac ?
Just a quick question about possible changes to the Washington Monument .
As you know , when it comes to matters of manhood , President @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s no problem – I guarantee.
” Perhaps a couple of large boulders could be placed at the base of the monument surrounded by some golden shrubbery .
The renamed Trump Monument would be a fitting priapic tribute to the Member-in-Chief .
Apparently there have been no modifications to the Iwo Jima Memorial since its erection in 1954 .
Obviously , some changes are long overdue .
Might we suggest a few minor tweaks to honor the nation ’ s greatest soldier , Donald J. Trump ?
But for some unfortunate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have been a war hero .
We ’ re not asking for much ; maybe just alter one of the monument ’ s soldiers to represent Donald Trump with golden hair , a bronzed face and a bright red MAGA hat .
If you ’ re looking to add another “ son of the South ” to your glorious monument , look no further than our President .
No one in recent memory has done more to honor the Confederacy than Donald J. Trump .
From Confederate statuary to the rebel flag , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ proud traditions and surely deserves a place of honor on Stone Mountain .
Rather than add a fourth person , however , perhaps it would be easier to simply change the bas-relief of President Jefferson Davis to President Donald J. Trump since everyone prefers a winner to a loser anyway .
We aren ’ t questioning Abraham Lincoln ’ s place in history but , as President Trump has frequently noted , no one has done more for African Americans than him .
Please consider changing the Lincoln Memorial to the Trump Memorial @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only minor changes to the head would be required ( i.e .
– lose the beard , add some yellow hair and paint the face orange ) .
Although Lincoln was apparently the first Republican president ( Did you know that ? )
, there ’ s no doubt Donald Trump is the greatest Republican president .

After the Mount Rushmore plan fell through, Trump’s team did not give up trying to find a suitable location for a proper Trump monument.
“White House reached out to South Dakota governor about adding Trump to Mount Rushmore.”
— N. Y. Times headline, August 9, 2020
Apparently, Mount Rushmore was not the only monumental inquiry made by White House officials, as evidenced by these recent emails:
TO: Statue of Liberty
We’d like to know if there is any provision for altering the Statue of Liberty to honor the greatest president of all time, Donald J. Trump. Would it be possible to replace Lady Liberty’s head with that of Lord Libertine? To keep costs down, only minor alterations would be required to convert her gown to resemble a manly Roman toga. If the budget could accommodate it, how about, instead of a torch, President Trump could hold up a Bible or possibly a Big Mac?
TO: Washington Monument
Just a quick question about possible changes to the Washington Monument. As you know, when it comes to matters of manhood, President Trump has made it clear that “there’s no problem – I guarantee.” Perhaps a couple of large boulders could be placed at the base of the monument surrounded by some golden shrubbery. The renamed Trump Monument would be a fitting priapic tribute to the Member-in-Chief.
TO: Iwo Jima Memorial
Apparently there have been no modifications to the Iwo Jima Memorial since its erection in 1954. Obviously, some changes are long overdue. Might we suggest a few minor tweaks to honor the nation’s greatest soldier, Donald J. Trump? But for some unfortunate bone spurs, our President would definitely have been a war hero. We’re not asking for much; maybe just alter one of the monument’s soldiers to represent Donald Trump with golden hair, a bronzed face and a bright red MAGA hat.
TO: Stone Mountain Confederate Memorial Carving
If you’re looking to add another “son of the South” to your glorious monument, look no further than our President. No one in recent memory has done more to honor the Confederacy than Donald J. Trump. From Confederate statuary to the rebel flag, he has upheld the South’s proud traditions and surely deserves a place of honor on Stone Mountain. Rather than add a fourth person, however, perhaps it would be easier to simply change the bas-relief of President Jefferson Davis to President Donald J. Trump since everyone prefers a winner to a loser anyway.
TO: Lincoln Memorial
We aren’t questioning Abraham Lincoln’s place in history but, as President Trump has frequently noted, no one has done more for African Americans than him. Please consider changing the Lincoln Memorial to the Trump Memorial. The cost would be minimal as only minor changes to the head would be required (i.e. – lose the beard, add some yellow hair and paint the face orange). Although Lincoln was apparently the first Republican president (Did you know that?), there’s no doubt Donald Trump is the greatest Republican president.


humortimes--2020-08-20--President Trump Vows to Replace Rep. John Lewis with ‘Blacks for Trump Guy’

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
“ Blacks for Trump Guy ” is best replacement , because “ blacks love me , ” says Trump .
President Trump , in a lively interview with host Chris Wallace on Fox News , revealed his plan to replace recently deceased Rep. John Lewis of Georgia with a man who frequently appears behind him at campaign rallies , known colloquially as the “ Blacks for Trump Guy.
” Here is a partial transcript of the interview : Chris @ @ @ @ @ @ @ give us your thoughts on the death of John Lewis ?
President Trump : When I heard that Lewis had died , I immediately thought , ‘ who am I going to replace him with ?
’ I think it should be a black person .
The blacks love me–no one has done more for the blacks than me .
I know lots of blacks .
Tiger Woods–great golfer , but I beat him once .
Kanye West–he has some impressive ideas–I hear he is already running for president though .
Either one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But you know who would be a great replacement ?
That Blacks for Trump guy .
He comes to all my rallies .
He is very loyal .
CW : You do realize that it ’ s not your choice to make .
There would need to be a special election .
PT : Oh no , that would be all wrong .
Look at Georgia–it ’ s a hellhole , but the people kept re-electing Lewis over and over .
No offense , but Lewis did a terrible job .
I should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ executive order and nominate my own candidate .
Then of course it would have to go to the Senate for approval .
Just like my great Supreme Court Justices .
Yeah , the Blacks for Trump guy .
CW : Do you even know his name ?
PT : I don ’ t need to know his name .
I have great instincts .
My gut says he would be a great replacement .
My staff can look him up .
CW : Is he on your payroll sir ?
CW : Will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Can you tell us why you did not attend any of the events honoring John Lewis ?
He was a giant in the civil rights movement .
PT : I keep hearing that–a giant–but I ’ ve seen him .
He was very short .
Almost a midget .
Can I say that ?
A little person .
And I ’ m not talking leprechaun , but very short .
I ’ m six foot five , practically six foot six , and I would just tower over him .
So not a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ terrible Senator for Georgia .
CW : You mean Representative , in the House of– PT : Excuse me !
Excuse me !
That ’ s what I said .
Represenator .
Pay attention !
And he treated me very badly .
His family did not even thank me for lowering flags to half staff , a great honor for him .
He was so short , it should have been quarter staff really .
CW : Quarter staff ?
That ’ s not… Well let ’ s move on to another topic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : Many people would like to see that .
CW : I ’ m sure they would .
And like the sun setting in the west , like Trump ’ s falling poll numbers , and as the thing many people would like to see–the curtain coming down on Trump ’ s time in office , the interview descended from there .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
“Blacks for Trump Guy” is best replacement, because “blacks love me,” says Trump.
President Trump, in a lively interview with host Chris Wallace on Fox News, revealed his plan to replace recently deceased Rep. John Lewis of Georgia with a man who frequently appears behind him at campaign rallies, known colloquially as the “Blacks for Trump Guy.” Here is a partial transcript of the interview:
Chris Wallace: Mr. President, can you give us your thoughts on the death of John Lewis?
President Trump: When I heard that Lewis had died, I immediately thought, ‘who am I going to replace him with?’ I think it should be a black person. The blacks love me–no one has done more for the blacks than me. I know lots of blacks. Tiger Woods–great golfer, but I beat him once. Kanye West–he has some impressive ideas–I hear he is already running for president though. Either one of them would be an improvement. But you know who would be a great replacement? That Blacks for Trump guy. He comes to all my rallies. He is very loyal.
CW: You do realize that it’s not your choice to make. There would need to be a special election.
PT: Oh no, that would be all wrong. Look at Georgia–it’s a hellhole, but the people kept re-electing Lewis over and over. No offense, but Lewis did a terrible job. I should pick. I’ll do an executive order and nominate my own candidate. Then of course it would have to go to the Senate for approval. Just like my great Supreme Court Justices. Yeah, the Blacks for Trump guy.
CW: Do you even know his name?
PT: I don’t need to know his name. I have great instincts. My gut says he would be a great replacement. My staff can look him up.
CW: Is he on your payroll sir?
PT: That’s a nasty question. You’re a disgrace to your profession.
CW: Will you answer the question?
PT: I did. It’s a nasty question and you’re a disgrace.
CW: Can you tell us why you did not attend any of the events honoring John Lewis? He was a giant in the civil rights movement.
PT: I keep hearing that–a giant–but I’ve seen him. He was very short. Almost a midget. Can I say that? A little person. And I’m not talking leprechaun, but very short. I’m six foot five, practically six foot six, and I would just tower over him. So not a giant at all. He was a terrible Senator for Georgia.
CW: You mean Representative, in the House of–
PT: Excuse me! Excuse me! That’s what I said. Represenator. Pay attention! And he treated me very badly. His family did not even thank me for lowering flags to half staff, a great honor for him. He was so short, it should have been quarter staff really.
CW: Quarter staff? That’s not… Well let’s move on to another topic. Your head on Mount Rushmore…
PT: Many people would like to see that.
CW: I’m sure they would.
And like the sun setting in the west, like Trump’s falling poll numbers, and as the thing many people would like to see–the curtain coming down on Trump’s time in office, the interview descended from there.


humortimes--2020-08-20--The Truth Shall Make You Flee

The Truth Shall Make You Flee

… we have a small favor to ask .
More and more people are reading the Humor Times , but advertising revenues for internet sites everywhere keep falling .
And unlike so many other websites , we have not put up a paywall -- we want to keep this much-loved ( and much-needed ! )
political humor free , if possible !
So you can see why we need to ask for your help .
The Humor Times ' unique content takes a lot of time and effort to produce ... but we do it because we believe uncompromising political @ @ @ @ @ @ @ days .
If everyone who reads and likes our website helps fund it , we can continue to help people laugh at the news , rather than cry about it !
For as little as $ 1 , you can support the Humor Times – and it only takes a minute .
Thank you !
Or , please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter via our Patreon Page , contributing a certain amount each month .
You can do it for as long or as short a time as you like .
It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

In the Trump administration, honesty is the worst policy.
The media are just so unfair to President Trump, it’s not even funny. On June 22, he tweeted that the 2020 election will be “the scandal of our times.” How clairvoyant can you get? Now he predicts (as did Attorney General Barr) that the entire election will be rigged. Once again, the President is sure to be a prophet, albeit singularly without honor. How can anyone accuse Trump of lying, when all he does is to sell the truth? Why should he have any regrets about killing hundreds of thousands of people, both at home and abroad, when that is the best if not the only way for him (and his corporate cronies) to get richer even quicker, by removing expendable labor to make the business world safe for global capital? Why shouldn’t he blame the “China virus” for our woes, so he can raise tariffs on imported goods, in direct contradiction to the notion of “free markets,” while making lucrative deals overseas, on the sly? Why not use his partners as scapegoats, while we die in hospitals, on battlefields, and on the streets? The whole point of propaganda is to pull the wool — if you don’t, how can you put bags over our heads? Why rule at all, unless you level with people while leveling them, until your killing field is horizontal? As our first Postmaster General said, in a moment of franklinness, honesty is the worst policy. Ain’t that the truth? When you vote for Armageddon in November, don’t bother to “mail it in” — it’s already been putt through the 3rd tee. How green the deal is.


humortimes--2020-08-20--Movie Review: “Chemical Hearts”

Movie Review: “Chemical Hearts”

The motion picture genre most commonly and relentlessly marketed today to stream online or project on a withering cineplex screen is the totally packed action/hero slap down .
Surely then , the probability that the second most routine release of new movies in the US has got to be the age-old , coming-of-age film .
That ’ s what the newly arriving Chemical Hearts is .
Don ’ t merely jump to drug use since the word “ chemical ” is in the title .
The chemicals refer to teenage hormones , not those “ bodily fluids ” General Jack @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
That makes Chemical Hearts a good lesson for 11 and 12-year-olds who are at the cusp of the swoosh and sway of onrushing new emotions overtaking a girl when she ’ s about 11 or 12 and a boy when he ’ s about 14 or 15… give or take .
Chemical Hearts ‘ writer and director Richard Tanne plays that “ girls mature earlier than boys ” phenomenon quite believably .
Lili Reinhart ’ s character , Grace , is plainly more mature and experienced than Henry .
She ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , who got the role of Henry .
You ’ ll learn in the single love scene Grace and Henry have in the picture that Henry ’ s a virgin ; Grace , not so much .
Grace is skilled at leading Henry around by his newly arriving emotions to the point where he wants to learn more about her .
Grace has recently transferred into his high school and they meet in the school newspaper class .
There .
they discuss which they ’ re better at : writing or editing .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ for you ) .
Drilling down on the situation , clues are flying that things aren ’ t going well for Grace .
At first glance , you ’ ll likely infer that she ’ s suffering a physical handicap .
But wait .
There ’ s more to it .
Tanne lets that gradually slip out .
Grace is battling a serious sense of loss .
This part of the plot gives the film a substance that could be edifying for people about to move on from teenie-boppery and enter the emotion-packed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had continuing exposure in the CW television teen drama Riverdale .
Austin Abrams ’ earlier exposure has primarily come through two other TV series : The Walking Dead and Euphoria .

“Chemical Hearts” — a film review by Gary Chew.
The motion picture genre most commonly and relentlessly marketed today to stream online or project on a withering cineplex screen is the totally packed action/hero slap down. Surely then, the probability that the second most routine release of new movies in the US has got to be the age-old, coming-of-age film. That’s what the newly arriving Chemical Hearts is.
Don’t merely jump to drug use since the word “chemical” is in the title. The chemicals refer to teenage hormones, not those “bodily fluids” General Jack Ripper mentions in a classic Kubrick movie. That makes Chemical Hearts a good lesson for 11 and 12-year-olds who are at the cusp of the swoosh and sway of onrushing new emotions overtaking a girl when she’s about 11 or 12 and a boy when he’s about 14 or 15… give or take.
Chemical Hearts‘ writer and director Richard Tanne plays that “girls mature earlier than boys” phenomenon quite believably. Lili Reinhart’s character, Grace, is plainly more mature and experienced than Henry. She’s even a tad taller than Austin Abrams, who got the role of Henry. You’ll learn in the single love scene Grace and Henry have in the picture that Henry’s a virgin; Grace, not so much.
Grace is skilled at leading Henry around by his newly arriving emotions to the point where he wants to learn more about her. Grace has recently transferred into his high school and they meet in the school newspaper class. There. they discuss which they’re better at: writing or editing. (I won’t spoil that for you).
Drilling down on the situation, clues are flying that things aren’t going well for Grace. At first glance, you’ll likely infer that she’s suffering a physical handicap. But wait. There’s more to it. Tanne lets that gradually slip out.
Grace is battling a serious sense of loss. This part of the plot gives the film a substance that could be edifying for people about to move on from teenie-boppery and enter the emotion-packed sphere of adulthood.
Lili Reinhart has had continuing exposure in the CW television teen drama Riverdale. Austin Abrams’ earlier exposure has primarily come through two other TV series: The Walking Dead and Euphoria.


Trump’s Bass-Ackward Government

Empowered by Trump , special interests are now our government .
Gosh , President Donald Trump has really been busy lately : busy assailing Sen. Kamala Harris as “ nasty ; ” busy choosing a new pandemic adviser , whose only qualification is that he praises Trump on Fox News ; and busy dissing and dismantling our post offices .
But , instead of all this Trumpian political stuff , shouldn ’ t a president be , you know , running the government ?
Nah … that bores him .
Besides , that ’ s why he packed his Cabinet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who ’ ve spent their lives trying to rig our government to serve the moneyed elites .
Now , empowered by Trump , these special interests are our government , literally setting and running America ’ s economic , environmental , labor , health , education , financial and other public policies .
And what a job they ’ re doing — on us !
Check out Andrew Wheeler , who has worked relentlessly over the years as a Washington insider trying to pervert the EPA into the Environmental Polluter ’ s Agency @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coal mining giant Murray Energy , constantly fighting rules implemented to make this notoriously foul industry clean up its act .
Now , as head of the EPA , the befouler ’ s lobbyist is making the rules , twisting them to allow Big Coal , Big Oil and other fossil fuel bigs to pour more toxic contaminants into our air and water .
Wailing that poor multibillion-dollar energy giants must be freed from “ burdensome ” requirements to limit the damage they do , Wheeler has consistently put corporate profit over the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our planet .
Burdensome ?
His latest gift to profiteers is to free oil and gas corporations from having to find and fix methane leaks in their wells , pipelines and storage tanks .
Hello , if you had a gas leak at your house , would you not want to “ burden ” the company to come fix it ?
Not only is methane a potent greenhouse gas causing climate change but Wheeler ’ s bureaucratic favor to his former ( and , no doubt , future ) employers comes just as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two to three times worse than his EPA has been reporting .
This means the industry is driving us toward a climate crisis faster than anyone realized .
Talk about nasty .
The Trumpeteers get government bass ackward , protecting polluters from the people , rather than vice versa .
It seems like the top regulatory officials in Trump ’ s government get up every morning and chant the same one-word mantra before going to work : “ Deregulate … Deregulate … Deregulate … ” Each of the Trump acolytes running agencies meant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ instead working feverishly to advance the abusers .
Day after day , these agency bosses have been “ liberating ” greedy business interests to do their damnedest to us consumers , workers , the environment … and even our chicken dinner .
Yes , chicken , which millions of Americans like crispy fried or as soup or in tacos .
But how about a more exotic dish called Chicken a la Avian Leukosis ?
That ’ s chicken infected with a virus that produces cancerous tumors and lesions on the birds .
No @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s coming to a supermarket near you .
In July , the U.S. Department of Agriculture Food Safety and Inspection Service rubber-stamped a demand by the National Chicken Council to deregulate chicken processing rules so the likes of Tyson Foods and other multibillion-dollar meat conglomerates can sell chickens with Avian Leukosis for human consumption .
And , no , the huge brand-name marketers would not even be “ burdened ” by having to put a right-to-know label on the package telling consumers what they ’ re buying .
As always @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s perfectly safe .
… Trust us !
” Uh … no .
Their claim is that slaughterhouse line workers can simply cut out any tumors they see and then process the rest of the animal .
There are two problems with this claim : First , Avian Leukosis can be a systemic disease passing through the blood , so slicing tumors doesn ’ t necessarily eliminate the virus .
Second , line workers don ’ t have time to see ( much less remove ) tumors , since Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ factories to speed up their processing lines to 175 birds per minute .
This requires each worker to handle as many as three chickens a second !
Trump & Co. assert that their policy of relentless deregulation is necessary to make the system fair for corporations .
However , as former President Lyndon Johnson used to say about such political hokum , They can ’ t make chicken salad out of chicken s— .
To learn more , go to Food & Water Watch .

Empowered by Trump, special interests are now our government.
Gosh, President Donald Trump has really been busy lately: busy assailing Sen. Kamala Harris as “nasty;” busy choosing a new pandemic adviser, whose only qualification is that he praises Trump on Fox News; and busy dissing and dismantling our post offices. But, instead of all this Trumpian political stuff, shouldn’t a president be, you know, running the government? Nah … that bores him.
Besides, that’s why he packed his Cabinet with all those corporate lobbyists and ideologues who’ve spent their lives trying to rig our government to serve the moneyed elites. Now, empowered by Trump, these special interests are our government, literally setting and running America’s economic, environmental, labor, health, education, financial and other public policies. And what a job they’re doing — on us!
Check out Andrew Wheeler, who has worked relentlessly over the years as a Washington insider trying to pervert the EPA into the Environmental Polluter’s Agency. Wheeler was a top lobbyist for coal mining giant Murray Energy, constantly fighting rules implemented to make this notoriously foul industry clean up its act. Now, as head of the EPA, the befouler’s lobbyist is making the rules, twisting them to allow Big Coal, Big Oil and other fossil fuel bigs to pour more toxic contaminants into our air and water.
Wailing that poor multibillion-dollar energy giants must be freed from “burdensome” requirements to limit the damage they do, Wheeler has consistently put corporate profit over the health of America’s people and our planet. Burdensome? His latest gift to profiteers is to free oil and gas corporations from having to find and fix methane leaks in their wells, pipelines and storage tanks. Hello, if you had a gas leak at your house, would you not want to “burden” the company to come fix it?
Not only is methane a potent greenhouse gas causing climate change but Wheeler’s bureaucratic favor to his former (and, no doubt, future) employers comes just as scientists have discovered that methane leaks are two to three times worse than his EPA has been reporting. This means the industry is driving us toward a climate crisis faster than anyone realized.
Talk about nasty. The Trumpeteers get government bass ackward, protecting polluters from the people, rather than vice versa.
It seems like the top regulatory officials in Trump’s government get up every morning and chant the same one-word mantra before going to work: “Deregulate … Deregulate … Deregulate …”
Each of the Trump acolytes running agencies meant to prevent abuses by profiteering corporations are instead working feverishly to advance the abusers. Day after day, these agency bosses have been “liberating” greedy business interests to do their damnedest to us consumers, workers, the environment … and even our chicken dinner.
Yes, chicken, which millions of Americans like crispy fried or as soup or in tacos. But how about a more exotic dish called Chicken a la Avian Leukosis? That’s chicken infected with a virus that produces cancerous tumors and lesions on the birds. No? Well, believe it or not, it’s coming to a supermarket near you. In July, the U.S. Department of Agriculture Food Safety and Inspection Service rubber-stamped a demand by the National Chicken Council to deregulate chicken processing rules so the likes of Tyson Foods and other multibillion-dollar meat conglomerates can sell chickens with Avian Leukosis for human consumption. And, no, the huge brand-name marketers would not even be “burdened” by having to put a right-to-know label on the package telling consumers what they’re buying.
As always, the industry line is: “It’s perfectly safe. … Trust us!” Uh … no. Their claim is that slaughterhouse line workers can simply cut out any tumors they see and then process the rest of the animal. There are two problems with this claim: First, Avian Leukosis can be a systemic disease passing through the blood, so slicing tumors doesn’t necessarily eliminate the virus. Second, line workers don’t have time to see (much less remove) tumors, since Trump’s submissive regulators have also allowed poultry factories to speed up their processing lines to 175 birds per minute. This requires each worker to handle as many as three chickens a second!
Trump & Co. assert that their policy of relentless deregulation is necessary to make the system fair for corporations. However, as former President Lyndon Johnson used to say about such political hokum, They can’t make chicken salad out of chicken s—. To learn more, go to Food & Water Watch.


humortimes--2020-08-21--GOP Proposes Comprehensive Anti-Hate Legislation

Senate Republicans have proposed sweeping anti-hate legislation in a new bill that makes it a crime to hurt President Trump ’ s feelings .
“ As with many stable genius ’ , the President is a very sensitive and vulnerable individual , ” explained Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell , “ Making him feel embarrassed is not only unpatriotic , it ’ s bad for our country as well .
Under those conditions , how can he possibly make the intelligent and responsible decisions that are required of him ?
Imagine how you ’ d feel if someone criticized you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Our current health crisis is a good example of the dangers associated with unfettered criticism of the President , ” he continued , “ The coronavirus pandemic is obviously the fault of all those liberal elitist smartass scientists who don ’ t like him .
After all , they ’ re the ones who named it the novel coronavirus in the first place , and it ’ s common knowledge that President Trump never wastes his time reading books of any kind , let alone novels .
So while he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fake news media continues to question his leadership skills , and refuses to acknowledge the great job he ’ s been doing .
Such shameful behavior endangers the entire country.
” “ The fact of the matter is , when the President was finally told about COVID-19 he immediately sprang into action , summoning his official presidential DVD player .
And he was absolutely livid that he hadn ’ t been informed about the previous 18 COVIDs.
” The massive 666 page Republican bill specifically prohibits anyone from disagreeing with President Trump , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ embarrassing him , making him look bad , hurting his feelings , cramping his style , stealing his thunder , raining on his parade , giving him the business , yanking his chain , rattling his cage , being a smarty pants , acting like a wisenheimer… and so on and so forth .
“ It ’ s a shame that the President has had to suffer so greatly over these past three and a half years , ” McConnell concluded , “ and it ’ s time to eliminate such hateful and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ important point my Republican colleagues and I all have agreed .
”

Anti-hate law would protect President Trump from criticism.
Senate Republicans have proposed sweeping anti-hate legislation in a new bill that makes it a crime to hurt President Trump’s feelings.
“As with many stable genius’, the President is a very sensitive and vulnerable individual,” explained Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, “Making him feel embarrassed is not only unpatriotic, it’s bad for our country as well. Under those conditions, how can he possibly make the intelligent and responsible decisions that are required of him? Imagine how you’d feel if someone criticized you for simply doing your job!”
“Our current health crisis is a good example of the dangers associated with unfettered criticism of the President,” he continued, “The coronavirus pandemic is obviously the fault of all those liberal elitist smartass scientists who don’t like him. After all, they’re the ones who named it the novel coronavirus in the first place, and it’s common knowledge that President Trump never wastes his time reading books of any kind, let alone novels. So while he’s completely blameless for this crisis, the fake news media continues to question his leadership skills, and refuses to acknowledge the great job he’s been doing. Such shameful behavior endangers the entire country.”
“The fact of the matter is, when the President was finally told about COVID-19 he immediately sprang into action, summoning his official presidential DVD player. And he was absolutely livid that he hadn’t been informed about the previous 18 COVIDs.”
The massive 666 page Republican bill specifically prohibits anyone from disagreeing with President Trump, or correcting him, contradicting him, embarrassing him, making him look bad, hurting his feelings, cramping his style, stealing his thunder, raining on his parade, giving him the business, yanking his chain, rattling his cage, being a smarty pants, acting like a wisenheimer… and so on and so forth.
“It’s a shame that the President has had to suffer so greatly over these past three and a half years,” McConnell concluded, “and it’s time to eliminate such hateful and hurtful rhetoric. And on that very important point my Republican colleagues and I all have agreed.”


humortimes--2020-08-21--Trump: ‘I Have Tremendous Respect for Women!’

Warning : Do not read if you are allergic to articles poking fun at President Trump .
Allergic reactions may include rash , facial swelling , hives , itching and head explosion .
President Trump claims he has “ tremendous respect for women , ” in fact , “ greater than any respect by any president ever.
” Last week President Trump tweeted that he “ has done more for WOMEN than just about any president in HISTORY !
” And he proclaimed that “ as we celebrate the 100th anniversary of women ’ s rights , we should build @ @ @ @ @ @ @ honor the many brave women who made this possible for our GREAT COUNTRY.
” Later , in a hastily arranged “ chopper talk ” news conference , he reiterated that he has “ done so much for women ” and that , “ when you ’ re president , they let you do it.
” He then explained that he even has two female cabinet members , Secretary of Education , Betsy Ross and “ that Asian one whose name I can ’ t remember.
” He then mentioned that he has also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ women including Ivana Trump , Marla Maples and Stormy Daniels .
Trump continued by saying that he has “ tremendous respect for women and even two of my children are women , Ivanka and the other one , the chubby one.
” He then exclaimed that he respects all women “ except those that are nasty and a lot of them are nasty , that I can tell you .
Also , some are fat pigs or slobs or dogs like Rosie O ’ Donnell while others are simply low IQ like Maxine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I hold them in high esteem , I realize how much they have contributed to our history and how they have helped make America great.
” He went on to say that “ many of the women in American history have been great builders , like me .
One that stands out is Harriet Tubman who , with the help of John Henry , created that great railroad .
Another tremendous builder was Harriet Beecher Stowe who erected that beautiful , strong cabin for her Uncle Tom.
” The president then added , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , American heroine Dolley Madison who saved the picture of George Washington when the Canadians burned down the White House during the Revolutionary War .
We know from the history books that she later built an amazing ice cream company.
” He then cited other heroic American females , including “ Sriracha-wea who helped Lewis and Clark in their expedition to find the fountain of youth and that math lady who helped NASA with math stuff and , of course , Aunt Jemima who created an incredible maple syrup company that everyone is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he brought up Sojourner Truth who he said a lot of people tell him was a great abolitionist and women ’ s rights activist , although he confessed that he didn ’ t know much about Truth .
Trump then stunned reporters when he said that since Biden had picked a female as his running mate , he might drop Pence and pick a woman too .
He indicated that Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Clair Underwood were on his short list , claiming that they had the right experience for the job .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remark about building a female statue , saying that he had changed his mind about it .
Instead , he had decided to put a female face on Mt .
Rushmore , right next to his .
He asserted that he hadn ’ t decided which female face he wanted on the national memorial , but he indicated that it would not be Nancy Pelosi ’ s , as “ no one wants to look at that face.
” He then mentioned Scarlett Johansson as a possibility .
So , there you have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for women .
Can you imagine if he didn ’ t ?

Warning: Do not read if you are allergic to articles poking fun at President Trump. Allergic reactions may include rash, facial swelling, hives, itching and head explosion.
President Trump claims he has “tremendous respect for women,” in fact, “greater than any respect by any president ever.”
Last week President Trump tweeted that he “has done more for WOMEN than just about any president in HISTORY!” And he proclaimed that “as we celebrate the 100th anniversary of women’s rights, we should build a beautiful statue in Washington D.C. to honor the many brave women who made this possible for our GREAT COUNTRY.”
Later, in a hastily arranged “chopper talk” news conference, he reiterated that he has “done so much for women” and that, “when you’re president, they let you do it.” He then explained that he even has two female cabinet members, Secretary of Education, Betsy Ross and “that Asian one whose name I can’t remember.” He then mentioned that he has also done a great deal financially for many women including Ivana Trump, Marla Maples and Stormy Daniels.
Trump continued by saying that he has “tremendous respect for women and even two of my children are women, Ivanka and the other one, the chubby one.” He then exclaimed that he respects all women “except those that are nasty and a lot of them are nasty, that I can tell you. Also, some are fat pigs or slobs or dogs like Rosie O’Donnell while others are simply low IQ like Maxine Waters. But for the most part I hold them in high esteem, I realize how much they have contributed to our history and how they have helped make America great.”
He went on to say that “many of the women in American history have been great builders, like me. One that stands out is Harriet Tubman who, with the help of John Henry, created that great railroad. Another tremendous builder was Harriet Beecher Stowe who erected that beautiful, strong cabin for her Uncle Tom.”
The president then added, “and who could forget that brave, American heroine Dolley Madison who saved the picture of George Washington when the Canadians burned down the White House during the Revolutionary War. We know from the history books that she later built an amazing ice cream company.”
He then cited other heroic American females, including “Sriracha-wea who helped Lewis and Clark in their expedition to find the fountain of youth and that math lady who helped NASA with math stuff and, of course, Aunt Jemima who created an incredible maple syrup company that everyone is talking about.” And, finally, he brought up Sojourner Truth who he said a lot of people tell him was a great abolitionist and women’s rights activist, although he confessed that he didn’t know much about Truth.
Trump then stunned reporters when he said that since Biden had picked a female as his running mate, he might drop Pence and pick a woman too. He indicated that Julia Louis-Dreyfus and Clair Underwood were on his short list, claiming that they had the right experience for the job.
The president then circled back on his earlier remark about building a female statue, saying that he had changed his mind about it. Instead, he had decided to put a female face on Mt. Rushmore, right next to his. He asserted that he hadn’t decided which female face he wanted on the national memorial, but he indicated that it would not be Nancy Pelosi’s, as “no one wants to look at that face.” He then mentioned Scarlett Johansson as a possibility.
So, there you have it. President Trump has tremendous respect for women. Can you imagine if he didn’t?


humortimes--2020-08-21--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Trump: A Real “Whoretime” President

You tell lies to utilize… corruption !
Too many leaders have throne their souls away .
Don ’ t be @ @ @ @ @ a “ peace ” of the pie .
The world will never be free so @ @ @ @ @ prisoner of the past .
Never let your intellect turn it ’ s back on @ @ @ @ @ What happens when imps get together .
Lock Bannon up , and throw away the @ @ @ @ @ quick , invent a laxative for shitheads .
Trump ’ s face should be added… @ @ @ @ @ People only cease what they want to cease .
Put your money where your mouth @ @ @ @ @ t swallow !
To defeat COVID-19 be a smart patient , and do what the @ @ @ @ @ Let immigrants be in that number , when the aints come marching in .
Don @ @ @ @ @ the highest bitter .
Moderation in all things .
Except compassion .

The president often exhibits temper rally insanity.
You tell lies to utilize… corruption!
A flawed fraud offends God.
Too many leaders have throne their souls away.
Don’t be fooled. Netanyahu only wants a “peace” of the pie.
The world will never be free so long as it remains a prisoner of the past.
Never let your intellect turn it’s back on your heart.
Trump is a self-made narcissist.
This country suffers from innumerable executive disorders
The tea party believes infamous celebrity.
Impunity: What happens when imps get together.
Lock Bannon up, and throw away the tea.
To get rich quick, invent a laxative for shitheads.
Trump’s face should be added… to Mt. Rushmoron.
People only cease what they want to cease.
Put your money where your mouth is, but don’t swallow!
To defeat COVID-19 be a smart patient, and do what the surgin’ tells you.
Let immigrants be in that number, when the aints come marching in.
Don’t be souled-out to the highest bitter.
Moderation in all things. Except compassion.


humortimes--2020-08-21--Text Messaging G-d: #2 – Kamala!

Text Messaging G-d: #2 – Kamala!

Peek over my shoulder for my # 2 satirical convo with the Man Upstairs about the man in the White House who carries a bible as far as across the street !
You mean ‘ Kamala ’ ?
No , don ’ t thank me – that was my VP !
I ’ m trying her out – been here a week .
I ’ ve got to really think about this – I thought it ’ s just you… You ’ re just used to Trump doing his ‘ King ’ thing – I still call the shots !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ hate it when they transfer my calls – AT & T is the worst !
You see , sometimes I need help – I ’ m getting old .
I ’ ve been around way before the Old Testament – I knew ‘ The 2 Corinthians ’ !
Not always – sometimes ‘ Shecky Moses ’ !
I ’ m glad you got a VP – you ’ re getting silly .
You ain ’ t seen silly yet – wait till Trump pulls it out of his butt !
You heard Biden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

Peek over my shoulder for my#2 satirical convo with the Man Upstairs about the man in the White House who carries a bible as far as across the street!
ME
Thank you!
G-d
You mean ‘Kamala’? No, don’t thank me – that was my VP!
ME
I didn’t know you had…
G-d
I’m trying her out – been here a week.
ME
I’ve got to really think about this – I thought it’s just you…
G-d
You’re just used to Trump doing his ‘King’ thing – I still call the shots!
ME
Well, I hope so! I hate it when they transfer my calls – AT&T is the worst!
G-d
You see, sometimes I need help – I’m getting old. I’ve been around way before the Old Testament – I knew ‘The 2 Corinthians’!
ME
Didn’t they always follow ‘The Ritz Brothers’?
G-d
Not always – sometimes ‘Shecky Moses’!
ME
I’m glad you got a VP – you’re getting silly.
G-d
You ain’t seen silly yet – wait till Trump pulls it out of his butt!
ME
You’re scaring me.
G-d
You heard Biden – give him 5 or 10 bucks!
ME
Money & Religion – it’ll never work! Nah!
SEND


humortimes--2020-08-22--Top 10 Reasons Why I, Donald Trump, Will Not Accept the Election Results

It’s no surprise Donald Trump won’t accept the election results or leave the White House, with his toothbrush & Dippity Do & here’s his Top 10 reasons (in his characteristic ALL CAPS)…
10. I HAVEN’T FINISHED THE ‘WHOPPER’ UNDER MY PILLOW!
9. I’M NOT BUDGING UNTIL YOU GIVE ME RUTH BADER GINSBERG‘S SLOT!
8. No time – I WANT TO SHOW BIDEN MY 2nd SET OF BOOKS!
7. I HAVEN’T FINISHED TRYING ON DEBORAH BIRK’S SCARVES YET!
6. Nope – NOT WHILE KAMALA’S ELIGIBILITY IS STILL IN QUESTION!
5. I HAVEN’T CLEANED OUT THE WHITE HOUSE WALL SAFE YET!
4. I SUBLET IT TO ‘QAnon‘! THERE’S NOTHING LIKE A ROUSING SATANIC ORGY TO SPOOK BIDEN & I’M HOSTING!
3. YOU SEE – STEVE BANNON OWES ME ON THE WALL FRAUD DEAL & WON’T KNOW MY CHANGE OF ADDRESS!
2. I’M CHANGING MY NAME BACK TO DRUMPF & WORKING AS A ‘DRINK TASTER’ FOR PUTIN!
And #1 JANUARY 20th, I can’t…
‘THE PILLOW GUY’S’ COMING OVER TO MEASURE ME FOR A BUDDY PILLOW’!


humortimes--2020-08-22--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kanye West and Reverend Al Sharpton

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Kanye West and Reverend Al Sharpton .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today on the show my guests are rapper Kanye West and political activist Reverend Al Sharpton .
Howdy .
I always say , “ Build a man a fire and he ’ ll be warm for a day .
Set a man on fire and he ’ ll be warm for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you , Kanye .
Keepin it real , Duncan .
Man , my greatest pain in life is that I ’ ll never be able to see myself perform live .
Sounds like you are suffering from insanity .
Nope .
I ’ m enjoying every minute of it .
You ’ re a Mother , my Brother .
You support Trump and he ’ s against Black Lives Matter .
I understand that you ’ re running for president as an independent .
Independent my ass .
Kanye and diapers have one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ changed regularly and for the same reason .
How you going to help Americans ?
Let me tell you , Box of Rocks .
Gon na legalize pot .
Pot in every chicken .
No more Popeyes .
We slim down America .
Jobs for everyone who wan na work .
I ’ m gon na try to get unemployment to go up and I think I ’ ll succeed .
But my main mission is to fight poverty .
Gon na wrestle homeless people every weekend on pay per view television .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ you could cash in your check at the penny arcade .
Duncan .
I wan na give a shout out to my wife Kim Kardashian .
I hope when Kim goes to the beach she doesn ’ t swim .
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean .
Go ahead , give her a holler .
Are you really happily married to big booty Kardashian ?
I heard rumors about infidelity .
Just sayin .
I wrote a love song for her , homie .
It go like this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you got a big booty .
Big , big booty , what you got a big booty .
I ’ m always here for you , Dawg .
What the dilly ?
You clowns have two left feet .
You embarrassed the King of Hip Hop .
I know about the wrapper .
How else you gon na keep fresh ?
Hey , Einstein .
Under the leadership of your honky Donald J. Trump , everything has gotten worse .
The coronavirus , racism and unemployment are out of control .
You got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ It is what it is.
” That good enough for me .
Let me tell you what ’ s not good enough .
You .
He ’ s a sitcom .
Kanye compares himself to Michelangelo , Picasso , Walt Disney and Steve Jobs .
Apparently none of them could sing either .
I ’ m gon na take votes away from Biden in Wisconsin and Colorado .
Just waitin to get on the ballot .
Colorado has bison , Wisconsin has cheese .
What is Michigan known for ?

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Kanye West and Reverend Al Sharpton.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guests are rapper Kanye West and political activist Reverend Al Sharpton.
JERRY
Hello, Rev.
REVEREND AL SHARPTON
Howdy. I always say, “Build a man a fire and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.”
JERRY
Very inspirational. Not.
JERRY
Hello to you, Kanye.
KANYE WEST
Keepin it real, Duncan. Man, my greatest pain in life is that I’ll never be able to see myself perform live.
JERRY
Sounds like you are suffering from insanity.
KANYE
Nope. I’m enjoying every minute of it.
SHARPTON
You’re a Mother, my Brother. You support Trump and he’s against Black Lives Matter.
KANYE
Orange Lies Matter. Make America Great Again.
JERRY
I understand that you’re running for president as an independent.
KANYE
Yeah. I gon hit up my peeps tomorrow.
SHARPTON
Independent my ass. Kanye and diapers have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly and for the same reason. How you going to help Americans?
KANYE
Let me tell you, Box of Rocks. Gonna legalize pot. Pot in every chicken. No more Popeyes. We slim down America. Jobs for everyone who wanna work. I’m gonna try to get unemployment to go up and I think I’ll succeed. But my main mission is to fight poverty. Gonna wrestle homeless people every weekend on pay per view television.
SHARPTON
If I paid you to think, you could cash in your check at the penny arcade.
KANYE
Duncan. I wanna give a shout out to my wife Kim Kardashian.
JERRY
I hope when Kim goes to the beach she doesn’t swim.
KANYE
Why?
JERRY
The last thing we need is more plastic in the ocean. Go ahead, give her a holler.
SHARPTON
Are you really happily married to big booty Kardashian? I heard rumors about infidelity. Just sayin.
KANYE
I wrote a love song for her, homie. It go like this.
KANYE
Big, big booty, what you got a big booty. Big, big booty, what you got a big booty. I’m always here for you, Dawg.
Jerry and Sharpton start dancing and singing.
SHARPTON
Keepin it real.
JERRY
Big booty, big booty.
KANYE
What the dilly? You clowns have two left feet.
KANYE
You embarrassed the King of Hip Hop.
JERRY
What about Eminem?
KANYE
What about M&M? I’m a Snickers man.
JERRY
I’m talking about the rapper.
KANYE
I know about the wrapper. How else you gonna keep fresh?
SHARPTON
Hey, Einstein. Under the leadership of your honky Donald J. Trump, everything has gotten worse. The coronavirus, racism and unemployment are out of control. You got some explaining to do.
KANYE
Trump said, “It is what it is.” That good enough for me.
JERRY
Let me tell you what’s not good enough. You.
SHARPTON
He’s a sitcom. Kanye compares himself to Michelangelo, Picasso, Walt Disney and Steve Jobs. Apparently none of them could sing either.
KANYE
I’m gonna take votes away from Biden in Wisconsin and Colorado. Just waitin to get on the ballot.
JERRY
Colorado has bison, Wisconsin has cheese. What is Michigan known for?
KANYE
Clueless.
JERRY
Lead poisoning. See you tomorrow.


humortimes--2020-08-22--Jihad So Noughties??? Fox News Says NEW Anti-Christian Extremist Cult Spells the END of America!

Self-appointed True News guru and cash-addled global super-warmer Sean Hannity is warning the world of an unprecedented threat from an extremist cult full of religious fanatics that ( at least from all that we can gather from the right wing of the Fake News Industrial Complex ) might just bring about the very end of civilization itself !
OK , so the karma is real .
For DECADES , we ’ ve been warning you about a million and one existential threats to America , but did you listen ?
Well did you HECK !
Don ’ t say we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I don ’ t know if any of you brainwashed Blue State sheeple out there remember Samuel Huntingdon and the Clash of Civilizations , but guess what ?
Never mind the Islamic State , the crazy Ayatollahs and the Taliban… Well that ’ s old news , and under the Real America-styled , Fox News-Appointed Greatest Christian Leader of the Most Tremendous Christian Nation on Earth , POTUS Donald J. Trump , radical Islamic terrorism has already been annihilated forever !
But now we ’ ve got an even MORE radical and more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ single time we update you , the bad guys are even scarier ? )
Well , sit back , but maybe take the time and… Well , just don ’ t you relax a little .
TOO MUCH !
… Oh wait , what am I saying ?
OK , now brace yourselves , cos shit is about to get heavy .
Heavier than you or I could ever possibly know !
But there is hope .
Just make sure you stay awake ( I think that ’ s what they call it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t let yourself get out of the loop .
And please remember to call our toll free tithing number : maybe God wants you to give us a hundred dollars .
Maybe 200 dollars .
Any advance on 200 ?
Do we hear 500 at the back ?
Oh wait , somebody ’ s saying $ 10 million !
If we ’ re getting the same vibe from the man upstairs , then you know what to do !
The greatest dangers in our world today are liberals : you know , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ loving , rent seeking , corporate fat cats who are infesting our public square , including a great deal of the corrupt and dishonest media of today , or as so many people nowadays like to call it : The FAKE NEWS .
K ?
And what ’ s the other one : oh yes , radical religious extremists who want to change our way of life forever !
Oh and by the way : what if I told you we were about to be overrun by the two greatest evils in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one ?
What if I told you there was a name for this unspeakable evil ?
Well , Supreme Evil walks among us , and her name is HILLARY !
Oh wait , that ’ s old news !
It ’ s AOC… Oh er no , what am I thinking !
Never mind that , do you know the absolutely most current , up to date , never-before-seen-or-heard-about threat facing America ?
Well , it ’ s called BUDDHISM .
Liberalism and dangerous death cultists !
It just doesn ’ t get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
!
Well get a load of this .
We ’ re going to start by looking at the utter contempt the Buddhist community have for all living things on earth .
By aggressively promoting their radical liberal vegetarian and militant vegan Marxist nonsense , they have just declared a holy war , a LITERAL JIHAD , on our entire livestock industry !
This is a form of economic aggression that even Red China never imagined in their darkest , most abominable nightmares !
And it just doesn ’ t end there .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ on America , but also a literal HOLY WAR in the most LITERAL sense possible !
By claiming that people should only resort to war as a last resort , the Buddhist Community , quite possibly the most dangerous fifth column in our entire history of America ( at least until the next one comes along , but we got ta run with this one for now anyhow !
Pretty sure the next one will be much , MUCH worse !
Stay tuned !
!
!
! )
, well… These dangerous , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Iran and Westboro Baptist Church combined ( although personally I have a bit of a soft spot for the last one of these , but we ’ d better not go there !
Shhhh !
Calm down , liberals ! )
, are trying to open the back door to puny , insignificant , socialist statelets like Finland and Norway and New Zealand just marching into America without opposition and turning the snowmen purple !
Would you ever eat purple snow ?
No ?
Not even if the Fake News CNN told @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s what I like to hear !
Me neither !
So at least we agree on something… Well actually we agree on quite a lot though , wouldn ’ t you say !
And why not then , after all… We all got ta pay the bills somehow !
Oh !
And don ’ t even get me started on their pathetic nonsense about ‘ unbridled greed , ’ ‘ ecocide ’ ( what ’ s so big about an ‘ environment , ’ anyhow ?
Are they seriously telling us killing an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to killing a real human being , of flesh and blood ?
Give up , liberals !
The jig is up !
Everybody can see what your dumb priorities are ! )
Oh and why are they all such hypocrites ?
Why does the Dalai Lama sit in a massive palace , with all that gold and silver , while the laypeople are starving ?
Does that sound like anything a real religion would do ?
Sounds to me like Buddhists are secretly running some kind of dishonest money-making scam !
I mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the past , there was an actual real Buddhism that didn ’ t get too big and lucrative , to the point it became morally compromised and a victim of its own success .
But if it actually exists , then I guess it ’ s probably among the brainwashed , ignorant who probably aren ’ t watching this show anyway ; rather than the elites , whose radically corrupted and degraded version of the religion , say what you like , at least has a great deal more power and influence in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kinda have a bit of begrudging respect for that !
We all got ta pay the bills somehow !
Oh , but don ’ t you worry .
I don ’ t mean to idealize the corruption of religion one bit , or to in any way rationalize the character of any specific faith being lowered into the bottomless sewer of the love of money , the root of all evil , and the unprincipled , unbridled pursuit of filthy lucre .
And on that basically irrelevant and uncharacteristically inconsequential note , join @ @ @ @ @ @ @ White-Cain and Pastor Pat Robertson are going to be educating us ( some more than others ! )
about God ’ s very special promise to us of unlimited prosperity , material and otherwise ( but most DEFINITELY material !
!
!
!
!
!
! )
Well , provided we only respect and obey his word , by honoring his most humble servants and ensuring the workman is worthy of his hire , and the muzzled ox is fed while he treads the corn .
Anyhow , the basic point is , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ extremism both pose an equally dire threat to our society , and if you want to make sure we still have a country by , I don ’ t know , 2020 or 2021 , then promise us you don ’ t drink the Kool Aid !
Promise America !
I mean hell , best of all , probably just promise yourself !
Guess that ’ ll do… WON ’ T IT !

Self-appointed True News guru and cash-addled global super-warmer Sean Hannity is warning the world of an unprecedented threat from an extremist cult full of religious fanatics that (at least from all that we can gather from the right wing of the Fake News Industrial Complex) might just bring about the very end of civilization itself!
OK, so the karma is real. For DECADES, we’ve been warning you about a million and one existential threats to America, but did you listen? Well did you HECK!
Don’t say we didn’t warn you. Now I don’t know if any of you brainwashed Blue State sheeple out there remember Samuel Huntingdon and the Clash of Civilizations, but guess what? Never mind the Islamic State, the crazy Ayatollahs and the Taliban…
Well that’s old news, and under the Real America-styled, Fox News-Appointed Greatest Christian Leader of the Most Tremendous Christian Nation on Earth, POTUS Donald J. Trump, radical Islamic terrorism has already been annihilated forever! But now we’ve got an even MORE radical and more existential threat (ever notice how every single time we update you, the bad guys are even scarier?)
Well, sit back, but maybe take the time and… Well, just don’t you relax a little. TOO MUCH!
… Oh wait, what am I saying? OK, now brace yourselves, cos shit is about to get heavy. Heavier than you or I could ever possibly know! But there is hope. Just make sure you stay awake (I think that’s what they call it, right?) and you don’t let yourself get out of the loop.
And please remember to call our toll free tithing number: maybe God wants you to give us a hundred dollars. Maybe 200 dollars. Any advance on 200? Do we hear 500 at the back? Oh wait, somebody’s saying $10 million! If we’re getting the same vibe from the man upstairs, then you know what to do!
… Anyhow.
The greatest dangers in our world today are liberals: you know, those greedy, entitled, special interests loving, rent seeking, corporate fat cats who are infesting our public square, including a great deal of the corrupt and dishonest media of today, or as so many people nowadays like to call it: The FAKE NEWS. K?
And what’s the other one: oh yes, radical religious extremists who want to change our way of life forever!
Oh and by the way: what if I told you we were about to be overrun by the two greatest evils in the entire history of the world coalescing into one? What if I told you there was a name for this unspeakable evil?
Well, Supreme Evil walks among us, and her name is HILLARY! Oh wait, that’s old news! It’s AOC… Oh er no, what am I thinking! Never mind that, do you know the absolutely most current, up to date, never-before-seen-or-heard-about threat facing America? Well, it’s called BUDDHISM.
Liberalism and dangerous death cultists! It just doesn’t get any more terrifying than that, right?!
Well get a load of this. We’re going to start by looking at the utter contempt the Buddhist community have for all living things on earth. By aggressively promoting their radical liberal vegetarian and militant vegan Marxist nonsense, they have just declared a holy war, a LITERAL JIHAD, on our entire livestock industry! This is a form of economic aggression that even Red China never imagined in their darkest, most abominable nightmares!
And it just doesn’t end there. Buddhists are not only waging economic warfare on America, but also a literal HOLY WAR in the most LITERAL sense possible! By claiming that people should only resort to war as a last resort, the Buddhist Community, quite possibly the most dangerous fifth column in our entire history of America (at least until the next one comes along, but we gotta run with this one for now anyhow! Pretty sure the next one will be much, MUCH worse! Stay tuned!!!!), well…
These dangerous, drug-addled religious fanatics, worse than ISIS, Iran and Westboro Baptist Church combined (although personally I have a bit of a soft spot for the last one of these, but we’d better not go there! Shhhh! Calm down, liberals!), are trying to open the back door to puny, insignificant, socialist statelets like Finland and Norway and New Zealand just marching into America without opposition and turning the snowmen purple!
Would you ever eat purple snow? No? Not even if the Fake News CNN told you? Well good, that’s what I like to hear! Me neither! So at least we agree on something…
Well actually we agree on quite a lot though, wouldn’t you say! And why not then, after all… We all gotta pay the bills somehow!
(Er, ignore that one and forget this little slip, just like you did all the other ones this, well, whatever interminably exciting and disorientating length of time. I don’t do this very often, so we can look past the original ‘soft bit loud’ now, can’t we? We all bleed the same red white and blue now, don’t we? Well, apart from the liberals and religious extremists, of course!)
Oh! And don’t even get me started on their pathetic nonsense about ‘unbridled greed,’ ‘ecocide’ (what’s so big about an ‘environment,’ anyhow? Are they seriously telling us killing an environment is somehow even REMOTELY morally analogous to killing a real human being, of flesh and blood? Give up, liberals! The jig is up! Everybody can see what your dumb priorities are!)
Oh and why are they all such hypocrites? Why does the Dalai Lama sit in a massive palace, with all that gold and silver, while the laypeople are starving? Does that sound like anything a real religion would do? Sounds to me like Buddhists are secretly running some kind of dishonest money-making scam!
I mean, maybe way, way back in the past, there was an actual real Buddhism that didn’t get too big and lucrative, to the point it became morally compromised and a victim of its own success.
But if it actually exists, then I guess it’s probably among the brainwashed, ignorant who probably aren’t watching this show anyway; rather than the elites, whose radically corrupted and degraded version of the religion, say what you like, at least has a great deal more power and influence in the world…
And hell, I actually kinda have a bit of begrudging respect for that! We all gotta pay the bills somehow!
Oh, but don’t you worry. I don’t mean to idealize the corruption of religion one bit, or to in any way rationalize the character of any specific faith being lowered into the bottomless sewer of the love of money, the root of all evil, and the unprincipled, unbridled pursuit of filthy lucre.
And on that basically irrelevant and uncharacteristically inconsequential note, join Tucker Carlson later tonight, where Paula White-Cain and Pastor Pat Robertson are going to be educating us (some more than others!) about God’s very special promise to us of unlimited prosperity, material and otherwise (but most DEFINITELY material!!!!!!!)
Well, provided we only respect and obey his word, by honoring his most humble servants and ensuring the workman is worthy of his hire, and the muzzled ox is fed while he treads the corn.
Anyhow, the basic point is, garbage political ideologies and morally debased religious extremism both pose an equally dire threat to our society, and if you want to make sure we still have a country by, I don’t know, 2020 or 2021, then promise us you don’t drink the Kool Aid! Promise America! I mean hell, best of all, probably just promise yourself! Guess that’ll do… WON’T IT!


humortimes--2020-08-22--Melania’s GOP Convention Address

Melania’s GOP Convention Address

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
First Lady pledges not to plagiarize Michelle Obama at this year ’ s convention address .
Melania Trump will be giving a Republican National Convention address next week and sources close to the first lady surprised reporters by announcing that she will not be plagiarizing Michelle Obama ’ s speech this time .
“ I would clearly be in over my head in trying to repeat such a powerful speech ” she is purported to have uttered .
According @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the former first lady really “ flayed , sliced and diced ” President Trump , something the current first lady declared she would never do in public .
“ I only do that in private ” she is alleged to have said .
Another source , who only agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity , stated that Mrs. Trump would be carefully listening to Jill Biden ’ s speech in hopes that it is one she could reprise next week .
If that doesn ’ t work out , she planned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Declaration of Independence .
However , that idea was apparently leaked to the president ’ s legal team who were quick to point out that the couple ’ s revised prenuptial agreement forbid her from using the word emancipation or making any reference to a declaration of independence before the 2020 election .
The anonymous source said that , as a backup plan the first lady would read the Gettysburg Address claiming that it would be fitting and proper for her to deliver that oration and that Lincoln ’ s address had been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one would remember it .
The nation can ’ t wait to hear whose speech she delivers this time .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
First Lady pledges not to plagiarize Michelle Obama at this year’s convention address.
Melania Trump will be giving a Republican National Convention address next week and sources close to the first lady surprised reporters by announcing that she will not be plagiarizing Michelle Obama’s speech this time.
“I would clearly be in over my head in trying to repeat such a powerful speech” she is purported to have uttered. According to Chris Wallace of Fox News, the former first lady really “flayed, sliced and diced” President Trump, something the current first lady declared she would never do in public. “I only do that in private” she is alleged to have said.
Another source, who only agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity, stated that Mrs. Trump would be carefully listening to Jill Biden’s speech in hopes that it is one she could reprise next week. If that doesn’t work out, she planned to read the Emancipation Proclamation or the Declaration of Independence.
However, that idea was apparently leaked to the president’s legal team who were quick to point out that the couple’s revised prenuptial agreement forbid her from using the word emancipation or making any reference to a declaration of independence before the 2020 election.
The anonymous source said that, as a backup plan the first lady would read the Gettysburg Address claiming that it would be fitting and proper for her to deliver that oration and that Lincoln’s address had been delivered so many years ago that no one would remember it.
The nation can’t wait to hear whose speech she delivers this time.


humortimes--2020-08-24--Zen and the Art of Being ‘The Donald’

Zen and the Art of Being ‘The Donald’

Herewith a selection of proverbs , koans and riddles from the recently discovered text “ Zen and the Art of Being The Donald ” “ There is no such thing as a lie .
The continued repetition of a falsehood eventually makes it true.
” “ Watch and listen to the fox and his friends for they are the accurate reporters of truth.
” “ Loyalty is a one-way street .
Demand it from those around you but do not feel compelled to reciprocate.
” “ Be careful to avoid repeating a word or phrase as some may see this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Be cognizant of the difference between personal and corporate bankruptcy and use it to your full advantage.
” “ Remember that crowd size is nothing more than a rough estimate.
” “ It is easier to insult than to answer the question.
” “ Sticks and stones can break someone ’ s bones but names can truly hurt them.
” “ A bush in the hand is worth exactly one grabbed pussy.
” “ The one-eared man is king in the land of the tone deaf.
” “ The only thing that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the individual you are cheating at the moment.
” “ Whoever you are screwing over , dedicate yourself wholly to the task.
” “ You are the most knowledgeable person in the universe.
” “ When you remove something , burn it up completely , like a good bonfire , leaving no trace of your fingerprints.
” “ Never fully reveal yourself or your tax returns.
” “ When you reach the top , keep firing.
” “ Order your steaks well done and your trusted friends rare.
” “ To study Trumpism @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Beware the bearer of news for he and it are most likely fake.
” “ Do not trust vote counts unless emanating from the Electoral College.
” “ Let your mind wander in the pure and simple , especially the simple.
” “ Practice mindlessness until it becomes part of your daily life.
” “ Be like the birds in the tree and tweet without thought.
” “ Not thinking about anything is Zen .
Not caring about anything is Trumpism.
” “ No snowflake shall ever fall on the white @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of one hand shivving.
” “ Do not seek the truth ; only offer your opinions.
” “ A government needs a liberal like a fish needs a bicycle.
” “ If there is an alt-right there must also be an alt-left.
” “ In the end , it ’ s all about me .
”

Herewith a selection of proverbs, koans and riddles from the recently discovered text “Zen and the Art of Being The Donald”
“There is no such thing as a lie. The continued repetition of a falsehood eventually makes it true.”
“Watch and listen to the fox and his friends for they are the accurate reporters of truth.”
“Loyalty is a one-way street. Demand it from those around you but do not feel compelled to reciprocate.”
“Be careful to avoid repeating a word or phrase as some may see this as a tell indicative of untruthfulness.”
“Be cognizant of the difference between personal and corporate bankruptcy and use it to your full advantage.”
“If caught in a lie, simply add another, preferably a real whopper.”
“Remember that crowd size is nothing more than a rough estimate.”
“It is easier to insult than to answer the question.”
“Sticks and stones can break someone’s bones but names can truly hurt them.”
“A bush in the hand is worth exactly one grabbed pussy.”
“The one-eared man is king in the land of the tone deaf.”
“The only thing that is ultimately real about your journey is the individual you are cheating at the moment.”
“Whoever you are screwing over, dedicate yourself wholly to the task.”
“You are the most knowledgeable person in the universe.”
“When you remove something, burn it up completely, like a good bonfire, leaving no trace of your fingerprints.”
“Never fully reveal yourself or your tax returns.”
“When you reach the top, keep firing.”
“Order your steaks well done and your trusted friends rare.”
“To study Trumpism is to study me and me alone.”
“Beware the bearer of news for he and it are most likely fake.”
“Do not trust vote counts unless emanating from the Electoral College.”
“Knowledge is unnecessary to rule.”
“Let your mind wander in the pure and simple, especially the simple.”
“Practice mindlessness until it becomes part of your daily life.”
“Be like the birds in the tree and tweet without thought.”
“Not thinking about anything is Zen. Not caring about anything is Trumpism.”
“No snowflake shall ever fall on the white house.”
“Listen to the sound of one hand shivving.”
“Do not seek the truth; only offer your opinions.”
“A government needs a liberal like a fish needs a bicycle.”
“If there is an alt-right there must also be an alt-left.”
“In the end, it’s all about me.”


humortimes--2020-08-24--My Own Private Jeopardy

My Own Private Jeopardy

This may be the author’s Private Jeopardy, but you too can play along! Cover up the answers and make your guess, then find out if you’re close.
Of course, you must phrase your Private Jeopardy responses in the form of questions!
Who are his children?
What are sexual assault lawsuits brought against FOX News anchors?
What is a game of Fuck, Marry, Kill that the GOP took a little too far in 2020?
What was a major influence for Melania Trump‘s renovations of the White House Rose Garden?
What are five things Trump cares about listed in reverse order?
What are three things my wife has threatened to kill me with?
What is one thing I learned about myself while putting together this article?


A Cursory Rhyme

A poem about Chumpty-Trumpty.
Chumpty-Trumpty owned a huge mall.
Chumpty-Trumpty built a Great Wall.
All Trumpty’s Cannons, and all of his Bannons,
Can’t stop poor China from killing us all.
Chumpty-Trumpty erected a fence.
Chumpty-Trumpty spent his last Pence.
All Trumpty’s rages, and all of his cages,
Can’t stop poor people from seeking entrance.
Chumpty-Trumpty cancelled the post.
Chumpty-Trumpty told the mail to get lost.
All Trumpty’s hustle, and all of his muscle,
Can’t stop poor Trumpty from soon being tossed!


humortimes--2020-08-28--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Dr. Doolittle and Sarah Palin

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews veterinarian Dr. Doolittle and his sister Sarah Palin .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
My guests today are veterinarian Dr. John Doolittle and his sister Sarah .
What ’ s up , Doc ?
Are you really a descendant of the famous Dr. Doolittle ?
I am .
Have so many animals in my house that I ’ m running out of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sleep on the floor .
It sucks !
You betcha .
My maiden name was Doolittle .
I can talk to the animals .
Why ?
Just because I brought a spoon to the Super Bowl ?
Okay .
The one with the biggest head .
Is that your final answer ?
I ’ m sorry , Sarah .
That is incorrect .
But we have a going way prize .
Two tickets to see the classic Marx Brothers movie Horse Feathers .
I didn ’ t know those hoofers could fly .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ have some interesting animals on your property .
For sure .
There ’ s a rare Betsy DeVos dodo bird .
A southern mud turtle species called Mitch McConnell and a Bill Barr Grizzly Bear .
What are the characteristics of a DeVos dodo ?
No education degree .
No teaching experience .
No experience working in a school environment .
Never attended a public school or state university .
Doesn ’ t care about anyone except herself .
Oh , ya .
But my favorite is the Mitch McConnell turtle .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s cute .
You ’ re delusional .
Here ’ s the report card on Moscow Mitch .
He creates tax shelters for the rich .
Takes away health care from the middle class and poor .
Gives tax incentives to foreign companies to invest in American businesses .
In fact , there are more Russians running around Kentucky than in Moscow .
And he eats pond scum and bugs .
Mitch is the gravedigger of American democracy .
Oops .
My least favorite pet is the Bill Barr Grizzly bear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Because he ’ s a mischievous brat .
Ya .
But Bill can catch fish without a fishing rod .
Let me finish , Blunder Woman .
He undermines the security of my practice .
Causes riots among the animals .
Especially my two Chinese Panda Bears and Russian Wolfhound .
He eats most of the food around here including the garbage .
Barr is so fat that when he fell out of the tree last week , no one was laughing .
But the ground was cracking up .
John .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ went broke .
That you wanted to give up on helping animals .
I was depressed and had no direction .
Then one day I was staring at a picture of a monkey .
No .
The monkey colony in Africa .
There was a a raging pandemic and these beautiful creatures were sick and dying .
It was so bad that when a banana saw a monkey , the banana split .
I helped the monkeys recover .
I didn ’ t want any part of it .
No one was going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You already made a fool of yourself .
You had nothing to lose .
On my way home to England , our ship was attacked by pirates .
We overpowered the bastards and captured their booty .
I became a rich man .
And now I have my own room .
My horse is very happy , because she lives in a stable environment .
Sarah .
Why did the lion break up with his girlfriend ?
Because she was a cheetah .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews veterinarian Dr. Doolittle and his sister Sarah Palin.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guests today are veterinarian Dr. John Doolittle and his sister Sarah.
JERRY
What’s up, Doc? Are you really a descendant of the famous Dr. Doolittle?
DR. DOOLITTLE
I am. Have so many animals in my house that I’m running out of room.
SARAH PALIN
Ya. I have to sleep on the floor. It sucks!
JERRY
Are you Sarah Palin?
PALIN
You betcha. My maiden name was Doolittle. I can talk to the animals.
JERRY
That’s because humans can’t understand you.
PALIN
Why? Just because I brought a spoon to the Super Bowl?
JERRY
Sarah. Which football player wears the biggest helmet?
PALIN
Is this a gotcha question?
JERRY
No.
PALIN
Okay. The one with the biggest head.
JERRY
(game show voice)
Is that your final answer?
PALIN
Ya.
JERRY
I’m sorry, Sarah. That is incorrect. But we have a going way prize. Two tickets to see the classic Marx Brothers movie Horse Feathers.
PALIN
I didn’t know those hoofers could fly.
JERRY
Hey, Doc. I understand you have some interesting animals on your property.
JOHN
For sure. There’s a rare Betsy DeVos dodo bird. A southern mud turtle species called Mitch McConnell and a Bill Barr Grizzly Bear.
JERRY
What are the characteristics of a DeVos dodo?
JOHN
No education degree. No teaching experience. No experience working in a school environment. Never attended a public school or state university. Doesn’t care about anyone except herself.
PALIN
Oh, ya. But my favorite is the Mitch McConnell turtle. He’s so ugly, I think he’s cute.
JERRY
You’re delusional. Here’s the report card on Moscow Mitch. He creates tax shelters for the rich. Takes away health care from the middle class and poor. Gives tax incentives to foreign companies to invest in American businesses. In fact, there are more Russians running around Kentucky than in Moscow. And he eats pond scum and bugs.
PALIN
Mitch is the gravedigger of American democracy. Oops.
JOHN
My least favorite pet is the Bill Barr Grizzly bear.
JERRY
Why?
JOHN
I’ll tell you why. Because he’s a mischievous brat.
PALIN
Ya. But Bill can catch fish without a fishing rod.
JOHN
Let me finish, Blunder Woman. He undermines the security of my practice. Causes riots among the animals. Especially my two Chinese Panda Bears and Russian Wolfhound. He eats most of the food around here including the garbage. Barr is so fat that when he fell out of the tree last week, no one was laughing.
PALIN
But the ground was cracking up.
JERRY
John. I understand your veterinary clinic in England went broke. That you wanted to give up on helping animals.
JOHN
I was depressed and had no direction. Then one day I was staring at a picture of a monkey.
PALIN
He fell in love.
JERRY
With a monkey?
JOHN
No. The monkey colony in Africa. There was a a raging pandemic and these beautiful creatures were sick and dying. It was so bad that when a banana saw a monkey, the banana split. I helped the monkeys recover.
PALIN
I didn’t want any part of it. No one was going to make a monkey out of me.
JERRY
You already made a fool of yourself. You had nothing to lose.
JOHN
On my way home to England, our ship was attacked by pirates. We overpowered the bastards and captured their booty. I became a rich man.
PALIN
And now I have my own room. My horse is very happy, because she lives in a stable environment.
JERRY
Sarah. Why did the lion break up with his girlfriend?
PALIN
Geez. That’s a tough one.
JERRY
Because she was a cheetah. See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-08-28--Here Lies Kellyanne Conway & Husband George

A mixed marriage or Yin & Yang , Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway & husband George lie motionless in their marital bed .
Let ’ s listen in to these contradictory two , Kellyanne Conway and her husband , who suddenly announced their leave of absence from the political scene to make peace with their kids & train their dog to do its business directly into a plastic bag !
Now , are we gon na have sex tonight or what ?
That ’ ll be painful .
Well , when then ?
One way or the other ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve taken care of that .
How is that actually done – I won ’ t tell a soul .
If I told you – I ’ d have to…turn off the light babe , we ’ re done here .
Not yet , Cruella…besides your ‘ family comes first ’ whopper ; tell me again , what ’ s your plan ?
You walk out with me & they won ’ t notice me hightailin ’ it out of there .
I can ’ t believe Trump ’ s accepting your resignation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bodies are buried – you bought the shovel at Home Depot !
Yeah , I was one of the first liars – taught ’ em all how it was done .
I must say – you ’ re very , very good at it & pretty too…want to fool around ?
Honey , what ’ s the first thing you ’ re gon na do when you ’ re just a stay-at-home villain ?
Oh , that ’ s easy – wash out some Alternative Facts !

A mixed marriage or Yin & Yang, Counselor to the President Kellyanne Conway & husband George lie motionless in their marital bed.
Let’s listen in to these contradictory two, Kellyanne Conway and her husband, who suddenly announced their leave of absence from the political scene to make peace with their kids & train their dog to do its business directly into a plastic bag!
GEORGE CONWAY
Now, are we gonna have sex tonight or what?
KELLYANNE CONWAY
I’ll sleep on it.
GEORGE
That’ll be painful. Well, when then?
KELLYANNE
Umm. November 4th.
GEORGE
One way or the other?
KELLYANNE
He’ll win – we’ve taken care of that.
GEORGE
How is that actually done – I won’t tell a soul.
KELLYANNE
If I told you – I’d have to…turn off the light babe, we’re done here.
GEORGE
Not yet, Cruella…besides your ‘family comes first’ whopper; tell me again, what’s your plan?
KELLYANNE
You walk out with me & they won’t notice me hightailin’ it out of there.
GEORGE
I can’t believe Trump’s accepting your resignation. You not only know where the bodies are buried – you bought the shovel at Home Depot!
KELLYANNE
Yeah, I was one of the first liars – taught ’em all how it was done.
GEORGE
I must say – you’re very, very good at it & pretty too…want to fool around?
KELLYANNE
Won’t work, George – I’m saving my eggs for Mitch! ha ha
GEORGE
Honey, what’s the first thing you’re gonna do when you’re just a stay-at-home villain?
KELLYANNE
Oh, that’s easy – wash out some Alternative Facts!


humortimes--2020-08-28--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: An Unconventional Convention

The Republican ’ s convention lies in their contention .
When it comes to giving speeches , Trump has always @ @ @ @ @ President ’ s big “ hit ” song : Damagin ’ ( All the People @ @ @ @ @ , enjoys golden showers , and considers himself the golden boy .
So someone please @ @ @ @ @ also golden !
Massive egos always assume that the world must revolve around them .
@ @ @ @ @ .
First Trump wanted less coronavirus testing , then the CDC caved in , and @ @ @ @ @ left with a big , bloody Redfield .
Why are briefings always so long ?
@ @ @ @ @ to take a single life , but to kill an entire species is absolutely monstrous @ @ @ @ @ out of control .
Everyone ’ s being struck by all the violence .
Always @ @ @ @ @ will come in handy someday , if you live long enough !
Only God can @ @ @ @

The Republican’s convention lies in their contention.
When it comes to giving speeches, Trump has always toad the line.
The President’s big “hit” song: Damagin’ (All the People).
Dejoy’s post office makeover: The pause that represses.
Trump worships gold, enjoys golden showers, and considers himself the golden boy. So someone please tell him that silence is also golden!
Massive egos always assume that the world must revolve around them.
Fox news viewers see propaganda and miss information.
Tough questions rarely have easy answers.
TrumP URGES free speech while “no-ing” oversight and responsibility.
Peace justice a constant struggle.
Gridlock never comes to pass.
First Trump wanted less coronavirus testing, then the CDC caved in, and now the country will be left with a big, bloody Redfield.
Kim Jong-Un has no Seoul.
Why are briefings always so long?
Revere Mother Earth’s beauty, not her “booty”.
It’s bad enough to take a single life, but to kill an entire species is absolutely monstrous!
Whirls gone wild spin out of control.
Everyone’s being struck by all the violence.
Always remember that being a smartass will come in handy someday, if you live long enough!
Only God can end our daze.


humortimes--2020-08-26--Where Did the Republican Party Go?

Where Did the Republican Party Go?

Wow , what a surprise !
Have you seen the Republican Party ’ s official platform ?
Perhaps , like me , you would have expected it to be a mishmash of Trumpian miasma , laissezfairyland corporate economics , QAnon lunacy , police state authoritarianism and all the other wackiness that today ’ s GOP has been embracing .
But , no .
Astonishingly , this 18-page policy statement flat-out rejects the elitism , knownothingism and nutballism coming out of the White House and the mouths of nearly every Republican Congress critter .
For example , instead of the GOP @ @ @ @ @ @ @ superiority of “ wealth creators , ” the platform unequivocally hails the egalitarian ethic of the Common Good : “ Our government was created by the people for all the people , and it must serve no less a purpose , ” proclaim the Republicans who wrote this policy document .
ALL the people !
Moreover , the platform issues an in-your-face rebuttal to the orthodox Republican policies of inequality : “ America does not prosper unless all Americans prosper , ” it states .
And , believe it or not , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shared prosperity , declaring , “ The protection of the right of workers or organize into unions and to bargain collectively is the firm and permanent policy ” of the party .
Moreover , these Republicans forthrightly profess solidarity with America ’ s working class , quoting President Eisenhower : “ Labor is the United States .
The men and women , who with their minds , their hearts and hands , create the wealth that is shared in the country — they are America.
” Holy Woody Guthrie , let ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and sing “ This Land Is Your Land.
” With Republicans finally espousing the principle that we actually are all in this together — even committing it to writing as formal policy — we could become one nation again and join in building a little-d democratic society based on fairness , justice and equal opportunity for all .
But is this document a fake , a plant , a joke ?
No , it ’ s what the party was before it lost its mind .
It ’ s the national Republican platform @ @ @ @ @ @ @ less than three months away , someone needs to put up “ lost dog ” signs in every neighborhood saying , “ Missing : Republican Party Platform.
” Voters won ’ t find it , though , for this so-called major political party has decided not to produce a specific statement of what it stands for this year , nor will it offer to voters an itemized set of policies its public officials would try to enact if elected .
Indeed , the GOP hierarchy has doubled down on its disdain for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the party would not present a platform until 2024 .
Yes , four years after the election !
Wait , it gets more bizarre : The party bosses even extended their fear of real public discourse to their own grassroots delegates , decreeing that any attempt by them to adopt new platform proposals at this week ’ s national Republican convention “ will be ruled out of order.
” Instead of a political party , the GOP of 2020 has become a pathetic puppet show of weakling officials and sycophantic subordinates being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a bloated ego with despotic fantasies .
Thus , the once-respectable Republican National Committee “ unanimously voted to forego ” a platform , ceding its authority , duty , respect and relevance to a single unhinged authoritarian .
In essence , they ’ re saying that the platform — and the party itself — is one word : Trump .
Whatever the wondrous wizard of wizardry says today , whomever he attacks tomorrow , whichever fantastical conspiracy he embraces next week is what the GOP says it represents , agrees with and will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ senators , governors , captains of industry , elders and others who once had power , prominence , some prestige and maybe even a little pride now meekly wear his brand and kowtow to his conceits , leaving an entire party with a sole operating principle : “ What he said ” ( even when they can ’ t figure out what he ’ s actually saying … or why ) .

The Republican Party: intellectually lazy, much?
Wow, what a surprise! Have you seen the Republican Party’s official platform?
Perhaps, like me, you would have expected it to be a mishmash of Trumpian miasma, laissezfairyland corporate economics, QAnon lunacy, police state authoritarianism and all the other wackiness that today’s GOP has been embracing. But, no. Astonishingly, this 18-page policy statement flat-out rejects the elitism, knownothingism and nutballism coming out of the White House and the mouths of nearly every Republican Congress critter.
For example, instead of the GOP’s usual claptrap about the moral superiority of “wealth creators,” the platform unequivocally hails the egalitarian ethic of the Common Good: “Our government was created by the people for all the people, and it must serve no less a purpose,” proclaim the Republicans who wrote this policy document. ALL the people! Moreover, the platform issues an in-your-face rebuttal to the orthodox Republican policies of inequality: “America does not prosper unless all Americans prosper,” it states.
And, believe it or not, the platform writers provide the means for a shared prosperity, declaring, “The protection of the right of workers or organize into unions and to bargain collectively is the firm and permanent policy” of the party. Moreover, these Republicans forthrightly profess solidarity with America’s working class, quoting President Eisenhower: “Labor is the United States. The men and women, who with their minds, their hearts and hands, create the wealth that is shared in the country — they are America.”
Holy Woody Guthrie, let’s all join hands, form a circle and sing “This Land Is Your Land.” With Republicans finally espousing the principle that we actually are all in this together — even committing it to writing as formal policy — we could become one nation again and join in building a little-d democratic society based on fairness, justice and equal opportunity for all.
But is this document a fake, a plant, a joke? No, it’s what the party was before it lost its mind. It’s the national Republican platform of 1956.
With our national election less than three months away, someone needs to put up “lost dog” signs in every neighborhood saying, “Missing: Republican Party Platform.”
Voters won’t find it, though, for this so-called major political party has decided not to produce a specific statement of what it stands for this year, nor will it offer to voters an itemized set of policies its public officials would try to enact if elected. Indeed, the GOP hierarchy has doubled down on its disdain for the electorate by issuing a one-page formal declaration that the party would not present a platform until 2024. Yes, four years after the election! Wait, it gets more bizarre: The party bosses even extended their fear of real public discourse to their own grassroots delegates, decreeing that any attempt by them to adopt new platform proposals at this week’s national Republican convention “will be ruled out of order.”
Instead of a political party, the GOP of 2020 has become a pathetic puppet show of weakling officials and sycophantic subordinates being jerked around by the maniacal whims of a bloated ego with despotic fantasies. Thus, the once-respectable Republican National Committee “unanimously voted to forego” a platform, ceding its authority, duty, respect and relevance to a single unhinged authoritarian. In essence, they’re saying that the platform — and the party itself — is one word: Trump.
Whatever the wondrous wizard of wizardry says today, whomever he attacks tomorrow, whichever fantastical conspiracy he embraces next week is what the GOP says it represents, agrees with and will march in lockstep to achieve. Republican senators, governors, captains of industry, elders and others who once had power, prominence, some prestige and maybe even a little pride now meekly wear his brand and kowtow to his conceits, leaving an entire party with a sole operating principle: “What he said” (even when they can’t figure out what he’s actually saying … or why).
That’s not a party. It’s a national embarrassment.


humortimes--2020-08-25--Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/25/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/25/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lavish praise on Biden ’ s speech at the DNC : “ Best he ’ s ever been ” Yup , people are raving about Biden ’ s speech from the shores of Thighland to the hills of Yo-semite !
Authorities near Chicago searching for a United Airlines executive who was last seen 11 days ago If he flew United to Chicago , he ’ s probably in Honolulu without his luggage .
Jeez , but , on the upside ; it ’ ll kill the locusts .
Report : Trump wants to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jared could do it if he wasn ’ t the wrong kind of chiseler .
Rob Kardashian is calling out Kim on Instagram Biden and Trump set to be oldest to ever run for the White House In fact , Biden ’ s old enough to have known Frederick Douglass and Trump ’ s old enough to have refused to rent Douglass an apartment !
Or , as it ’ s known in the Hip Hop world a Nicki Minaj a Trois… Trump calls on supporters to boycott Goodyear , tweeting “ Don @ @ @ @ @ @ @ company ban on MAGA hats So , as I understand this , Trump wants to ban , Goodyear , a Made in USA Tire because they don ’ t want workers wearing Made in China hats… Why don ’ t they just run as a Presidential ticket ?
I can already see the bumper stickers : Yeezy/Sleezy 2020 .
Sylvester Stallone selling his $ 400,000 Cadillac Escalade customized to feel like a private jet inside Guess he doesn ’ t want to make Rocky CXXVIII to pay off the car loan .
Belarus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ change .
What role will Russia play ?
Not saying Belarus elections were influenced by Putin , but people are saying the country is changing its name to Belaruskie !
Bannon was arrested by the USPS ?
Good thing for him , he won ’ t arrive in jail for at least 7-10 days .
Trump donated thousands to Kamala Harris ’ campaigns .
She gave the money to charity

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Fox News hosts lavish praise on Biden’s speech at the DNC: “Best he’s ever been”
Yup, people are raving about Biden’s speech from the shores of Thighland to the hills of Yo-semite!
Authorities near Chicago searching for a United Airlines executive who was last seen 11 days ago
If he flew United to Chicago, he’s probably in Honolulu without his luggage.
Wildfire in northern California triggers first-ever tornado warning for a ‘fire tornado’
Jeez, but, on the upside; it’ll kill the locusts.
Report: Trump wants to be put on Mount Rushmore
Well, Jared could do it if he wasn’t the wrong kind of chiseler.
Rob Kardashian is calling out Kim on Instagram
Kim: Who?
Biden and Trump set to be oldest to ever run for the White House
In fact, Biden’s old enough to have known Frederick Douglass and Trump’s old enough to have refused to rent Douglass an apartment!
Cardi B defends putting Kylie Jenner in her ‘WAP’ video featuring Megan Thee Stallion amid outcry
Or, as it’s known in the Hip Hop world a Nicki Minaj a Trois…
Trump calls on supporters to boycott Goodyear, tweeting “Don’t buy Goodyear tires” over company ban on MAGA hats
So, as I understand this, Trump wants to ban, Goodyear, a Made in USA Tire because they don’t want workers wearing Made in China hats…
Kushner: Meeting with Kanye “friendly discussion”
Why don’t they just run as a Presidential ticket? I can already see the bumper stickers: Yeezy/Sleezy 2020.
Sylvester Stallone selling his $400,000 Cadillac Escalade customized to feel like a private jet inside
Guess he doesn’t want to make Rocky CXXVIII to pay off the car loan.
Belarus is on the brink of a major change. What role will Russia play?
Not saying Belarus elections were influenced by Putin, but people are saying the country is changing its name to Belaruskie!
Postal Service agents reportedly arrested Stephen Bannon
Bannon was arrested by the USPS? Good thing for him, he won’t arrive in jail for at least 7-10 days.
Trump donated thousands to Kamala Harris’ campaigns. She gave the money to charity
… I’m shocked, shocked it cleared …