humortimes--2020-05-21--China Makes Possible New Military Base Out of Great Pacific Garbage Patch

China , always eager to better its position both economically and militarily in the world , has taken the Great Pacific Garbage Patch trash pile swirling about the currents of the Pacific Ocean and made an ‘ amusement park ’ out of it .
Starting by netting all the floating debris together using fishing boats , then making it more buoyant using giant floating buoys , they then added light-weight , floatable concrete to it and eventually even soil , plants and small trees .
They succeeded in making a floating island out of trash made that floating island into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ base capable of landing long distance military places .
When questioned about their intent for this man made island , Chinese authorities insisted that its purposes were civil- that the island would be made into a giant theme park made available to all people .
“ We are going to put a giant roller coaster with a dinosaur section and a haunted house and all sorts of wonderful rides for people from all over the world to came and participate in.
” stated Chinese Minister Of Screwing With Other Countries Wry Sun Of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it is we can float up to other countries to make it easier for them to participate.
” The island , which they have now named “ The Island of Peaceful Purpose , ” has been worked into a round shape to keep some control of maneuverability to it .
It has about a fifteen mile circumference with a seawall twelve feet high made of high density plastic reinforced by super strong aluminum girders to keep out high waves and roving submarinal eyes .
It also contains a number of two story high @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , repair shops and intelligence gathering facilities .
Several three mile long airstrips dot the middle of the island .
Concerns have also been made of the proximity of this island to the United States and what its real intent is .
West Coasters and Hawaiians are especially anxious as they are closest to this modern day Armada .
Californians are concerned not so much from an attack on their state but from a loss of revenue if the ‘ Oriental Theme Park ’ is for real and draws revenue away from their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hawaiians are worried that they could have a second Pearl Harbor attack roll right up to their door .
“ With the amount of man made garbage floating around in the sea they could make this island bigger than any of ours.
” U.S. military authorities are keeping a close watch on this development as our those of other Pacific Rim nations .
‘ It is really worrisome.
” mentioned the leader of Indonesia .
“ But then on the other hand it would be cool to have a floating entertainment park that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
On the other hand , President Duerte of the Philippines commented that “ Isn ’ t it odd that their version of Pirates of the Caribbean has modern , long range cannons on the pirate ships instead of ones from the 1800 ’ s ?
”

Great Pacific Garbage Patch made into suspicious “theme park” by China.
China, always eager to better its position both economically and militarily in the world, has taken the Great Pacific Garbage Patch trash pile swirling about the currents of the Pacific Ocean and made an ‘amusement park’ out of it.
Starting by netting all the floating debris together using fishing boats, then making it more buoyant using giant floating buoys, they then added light-weight, floatable concrete to it and eventually even soil, plants and small trees. They succeeded in making a floating island out of trash made that floating island into what some believe is actually a military base capable of landing long distance military places.
When questioned about their intent for this man made island, Chinese authorities insisted that its purposes were civil- that the island would be made into a giant theme park made available to all people. “We are going to put a giant roller coaster with a dinosaur section and a haunted house and all sorts of wonderful rides for people from all over the world to came and participate in.” stated Chinese Minister Of Screwing With Other Countries Wry Sun Of Gunn. “The best part of it is we can float up to other countries to make it easier for them to participate.”
The island, which they have now named “The Island of Peaceful Purpose,” has been worked into a round shape to keep some control of maneuverability to it. It has about a fifteen mile circumference with a seawall twelve feet high made of high density plastic reinforced by super strong aluminum girders to keep out high waves and roving submarinal eyes. It also contains a number of two story high buildings suspected by some of being barracks, repair shops and intelligence gathering facilities. Several three mile long airstrips dot the middle of the island.
Concerns have also been made of the proximity of this island to the United States and what its real intent is. West Coasters and Hawaiians are especially anxious as they are closest to this modern day Armada. Californians are concerned not so much from an attack on their state but from a loss of revenue if the ‘Oriental Theme Park’ is for real and draws revenue away from their world-renowned Disneyland and Universal Studios Parks. Hawaiians are worried that they could have a second Pearl Harbor attack roll right up to their door. “With the amount of man made garbage floating around in the sea they could make this island bigger than any of ours.”
U.S. military authorities are keeping a close watch on this development as our those of other Pacific Rim nations. ‘It is really worrisome.” mentioned the leader of Indonesia. “But then on the other hand it would be cool to have a floating entertainment park that can pull right up to your door!
On the other hand, President Duerte of the Philippines commented that “Isn’t it odd that their version of Pirates of the Caribbean has modern, long range cannons on the pirate ships instead of ones from the 1800’s?”


humortimes--2020-05-21--The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 49-54

The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 49-54

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : It ’ s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all right here !
The intern playfully slaps Jerry ’ s cheeks .
Jerry ’ s pumped as he throws fake punches in the air .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
You bet it is .
Yes , siree .
We have a special guest today , former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger .
A silhouette is seen of Henry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him .
No .
It ’ s completely empty like your head .
Let ’ s discuss the state of affairs in the United States .
We have a president under siege , because the Russians hacked our elections and there could be collusion with the Trumpster and his associates .
Our allies think we suck .
And scary-looking Kathy Griffin gave Barron Trump nightmares .
Vell .
Let me answer the most important ting you mentioned .
Barron Trump needs to see a psychiatrist , because he has nightmares from Kathy Griffin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guy running the Vhite House is a bad actor .
That it ’ s all fake news .
Barron also believes Kathy Griffin has a crush on his fadder .
The only crush Trump gave a woman vas vhen he grabbed her pussy .
Does that make sense ?
No , but what the hell .
You ’ re a doctor .
You should be a proctologist .
You , my friend have met a lot of assholes .
You mean like the one I ’ m looking at right now ?
What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Nixon ?
Another scandal ridden White House .
Ve vere nervous during Vatergate .
There vas the break-in to the Democratic National Committee in 1972 to get dirt on candidates who vere running against Nixon .
At the time , I had no idea he vas behind it .
This dragged on for two years until Tricky Dick got caught .
In those days , vhen somevone broke the law , people gave a shit and did something about it .
Congress members hounded Nixon .
What was he thinking ?
He vas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ handle everything .
Nonsense .
And Trump vill learn the same ting .
I remember in 1974 , Nixon vanted me to pray vit him , but neither von of us believed in God .
He vas messed up .
Tought the Canadians vere going to invade the United States .
Then he told me The Beverly Hillbillies vere liberal Democrats .
He vas nuts and resigned .
Watergate is stamped on his forehead forever .
No .
It ’ s on his nose vich grew tvelve inches overnight after he kept telling @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crook.
” You were in the Battle of the Bulge during World War 2 and earned a bronze star .
Speaking of the Battle of the Bulge , you ’ re still fighting that war .
Vell .
I do like Dunkin Donuts tvice a day vit my milkshake .
You ’ ve been a foreign policy advisor to presidents from Nixon to Reagan .
Even gave the Trumpster some advice .
I tried .
Last veek , I vent to the Vhite House to see Trump .
I varned him to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Russians ?
Of course .
Dat ’ s vhat I meant .
Vhat else vould a rational person tink ?
And did he take your advice ?
Trump told me dat he tought the Dodgers vere a much better team .
Good pitching , excellent hitting .
Rex Tillerson vas right .
He is a moron .
You ’ ve had so many achievements .
Just answer true or false .
You negotiated the SALT Treaty with the Soviet Union in 1970 to limit nuclear arms .
You started the opening for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ negotiated the Paris Peace Accords ending our involvement in the Vietnam War in ’ 73 .
Not quite , big fella .
Let ’ s talk about your taste in women .
You dated actress Shirley MacLaine .
True .
She is a good looking actress .
Our first date vas at her house .
She vanted to meditate .
After 15 hours , my legs vere so sore , I could hardly get up .
Shirley said , ” I see now , Henry , that you are my reincarnated dog Jack.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ back door to take a crap .
Dat vas dat .
Kaput .
Sounds like a great date .
You also said Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir was hot .
She looked like a sack of potatoes .
You don ’ t know vhat you are talking about .
Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac .
Golda didn ’ t just have power .
She had huge Vest Bank .
Do you still travel ?
Travel ?
Sure .
At my age , I travel quickly from the bedroom to the bathroom .
Sometimes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Other times , the living room to… In other words , your poor wife wants to kill herself .
Ve get out .
Ever been to Kentucky Fried Chicken ?
It ’ s like Chick Filet , but not run by bigots .
Okay , great .
This is the scoop I ’ ve been waiting for all day ?
Speaking of scoops .
Vere ’ s that double chocolate svirl you promised me from Dairy Qveen ?
Last question .
Who is crazier Trump or Kim of North Korea ?
Vell , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ both scary .
Trump vants to make nuclear veapons more usable and Kim vants to blow up countries just for shits and giggles .
Hey Jerry , I have a funny joke .
Lay it on me .
Vhat is the difference betveen George Vashington , Richard Nixon and Donald Trump ?
Vashington couldn ’ t tell a lie , Nixon couldn ’ t tell the truth and Trump doesn ’ t know the difference .
I ’ m outta here .
See you after the commercial .
Henry Kissinger is seen shaking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his tongue out and gives him the raspberry .

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Scene 3 Radio Station
The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks. Jerry’s pumped as he throws fake punches in the air.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
The intern hands him a microphone.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
You bet it is. Yes, siree.
JERRY
We have a special guest today, former Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
A silhouette is seen of Henry Kissinger behind the screen. Jerry joins him.
JERRY
Hi big fella.
KISSINGER
(German accent) Jerry, Jerry. How var you?
JERRY
Miserable as usual.
KISSINGER
(chuckles) Is your glass half full?
JERRY
No. It’s completely empty like your head. Let’s discuss the state of affairs in the United States. We have a president under siege, because the Russians hacked our elections and there could be collusion with the Trumpster and his associates. Our allies think we suck. And scary-looking Kathy Griffin gave Barron Trump nightmares.
KISSINGER
Vell. Let me answer the most important ting you mentioned. Barron Trump needs to see a psychiatrist, because he has nightmares from Kathy Griffin and his fadder. He tinks the guy running the Vhite House is a bad actor. That it’s all fake news. Barron also believes Kathy Griffin has a crush on his fadder. The only crush Trump gave a woman vas vhen he grabbed her pussy. Does that make sense?
JERRY
No, but what the hell. You’re a doctor.
KISSINGER
I’m not a medical doctor.
JERRY
You should be a proctologist. You, my friend have met a lot of assholes.
KISSINGER
You mean like the one I’m looking at right now?
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.
JERRY
What was it like working for President Richard Nixon? Another scandal ridden White House.
KISSINGER
Ve vere nervous during Vatergate. There vas the break-in to the Democratic National Committee in 1972 to get dirt on candidates who vere running against Nixon. At the time, I had no idea he vas behind it. This dragged on for two years until Tricky Dick got caught. In those days, vhen somevone broke the law, people gave a shit and did something about it. Congress members hounded Nixon.
JERRY
What was he thinking?
KISSINGER
He vas a control guy and tought he could handle everything. Nonsense. And Trump vill learn the same ting. I remember in 1974, Nixon vanted me to pray vit him, but neither von of us believed in God. He vas messed up. Tought the Canadians vere going to invade the United States. Then he told me The Beverly Hillbillies vere liberal Democrats. He vas nuts and resigned.
JERRY
Watergate is stamped on his forehead forever.
KISSINGER
No. It’s on his nose vich grew tvelve inches overnight after he kept telling everybody, “I am not a crook.”
JERRY
You were in the Battle of the Bulge during World War 2 and earned a bronze star.
KISSINGER
I did.
JERRY
Speaking of the Battle of the Bulge, you’re still fighting that war.
KISSINGER
Vhat?
JERRY
It’s a joke. Bulge? Big tummy?
KISSINGER
Vell. I do like Dunkin Donuts tvice a day vit my milkshake.
JERRY
You’ve been a foreign policy advisor to presidents from Nixon to Reagan. Even gave the Trumpster some advice.
KISSINGER
I tried. Last veek, I vent to the Vhite House to see Trump. I varned him to be careful of the Reds.
JERRY
You mean the Russians?
KISSINGER
Of course. Dat’s vhat I meant. Vhat else vould a rational person tink?
JERRY
And did he take your advice?
KISSINGER
Trump told me dat he tought the Dodgers vere a much better team. Good pitching, excellent hitting. Rex Tillerson vas right. He is a moron.
JERRY
You’ve had so many achievements. Just answer true or false. You negotiated the SALT Treaty with the Soviet Union in 1970 to limit nuclear arms.
KISSINGER
True. I’m sentimental. Arms are for hugging.
JERRY
You started the opening for diplomatic relations with China in 1971 and negotiated the Paris Peace Accords ending our involvement in the Vietnam War in ’73.
KISSINGER
True. I’m incredible.
JERRY
Not quite, big fella. Let’s talk about your taste in women. You dated actress Shirley MacLaine.
KISSINGER
True. She is a good looking actress. Our first date vas at her house. She vanted to meditate. After 15 hours, my legs vere so sore, I could hardly get up. Shirley said, ” I see now, Henry, that you are my reincarnated dog Jack.” Then she let me out her back door to take a crap. Dat vas dat. Kaput.
JERRY
Sounds like a great date. You also said Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir was hot.
KISSINGER
Oh, Golda. She vas a babe.
JERRY
She looked like a sack of potatoes.
KISSINGER
You don’t know vhat you are talking about. Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac. Golda didn’t just have power. She had huge Vest Bank.
JERRY
Do you still travel?
KISSINGER
Travel? Sure. At my age, I travel quickly from the bedroom to the bathroom. Sometimes from the bedroom to the kitchen. Other times, the living room to…
JERRY
In other words, your poor wife wants to kill herself.
KISSINGER
Ve get out. Ever been to Kentucky Fried Chicken? It’s like Chick Filet, but not run by bigots.
JERRY
Okay, great. This is the scoop I’ve been waiting for all day?
KISSINGER
Speaking of scoops. Vere’s that double chocolate svirl you promised me from Dairy Qveen?
JERRY
Henry, I lied.
KISSINGER
Darn. I brought my bib.
JERRY
Last question. Who is crazier Trump or Kim of North Korea?
KISSINGER
Vell, I’d say they’re both scary. Trump vants to make nuclear veapons more usable and Kim vants to blow up countries just for shits and giggles. Hey Jerry, I have a funny joke.
JERRY
Lay it on me.
KISSINGER
Vhat is the difference betveen George Vashington, Richard Nixon and Donald Trump?
JERRY
I don’t know.
KISSINGER
Vashington couldn’t tell a lie, Nixon couldn’t tell the truth and Trump doesn’t know the difference.
JERRY
I’m outta here. See you after the commercial.
Henry Kissinger is seen shaking his finger at Jerry. Jerry sticks his tongue out and gives him the raspberry.
Jerry exits the screen.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-05-21--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Mitch ‘Turtle’ McConnell

Wherein our intrepid talk show host interviews Kentucky Senator Mitch “ Turtle ” McConnell , from his pond in Louisville .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Today on the show , I have a special guest .
From his pond in Louisville , Kentucky , Senator Mitch “ Turtle ” McConnell .
Looking at you , Senator .
I understand why some animals eat their young .
Was that an insult , Duncan ?
The story of my life .
When I was a kid , I tried @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Kentucky State Fair .
The guy said , “ Sorry , no professionals.
” Speaking of ugly , you recently said President Obama should keep his mouth shut .
That he is classless regarding his criticism of the way Trump is handling the coronavirus .
What hypocrisy .
No .
You hold on , Turtle Wax .
Before Trump announced his candidacy for president in 2016 , he said Obama was not born in the United States .
I quote , “ an incredible source has called my office.
” Here ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Obama founded ISIS .
I give him the most valuable player award .
The same award I gave to Hillary Clinton .
The country ’ s generals were reduced to rubble under Obama.
” 18,000 lies in three years .
The truth is Trump fired all the good generals .
He said , ” I know more than the generals.
” He ’ s not even a human being .
There is a silver lining .
Trump helped people like me pay less taxes .
Greed is good .
You dragged Obama through @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his first day in office , you plotted with fellow Republicans to make him a one term president .
You blocked his nominations for Federal Judicial vacancies .
Even refusing to give Supreme Justice Court nominee Merrick Garland a hearing .
Get me some lettuce .
And that ’ s not all , Moscow Mitch .
In 2016 , you refused to sign a bipartisan statement warning the public of Russia ’ s attempts to influence the election .
Blocked election security legislation to protect the nation from foreign interference in our elections @ @ @ @ @ @ @ investor named Oleg Deripaska made a $ 200 million dollar investment in an aluminum facility in Kentucky .
I ’ m a job creator .
No lettuce for you .
You tell em , Mitch .
Putin is an honorable man .
Let me read a message from Puty to the American people .
Good guy .
Good guy .
You ’ re jelly to burger , knife to soup , bagel to pork chop , ketchup to ice cream .
I make no sense .
When I was boy in St. Petersburg @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Hero Boris and Natasha .
Bullwinkle Moose was idiot .
Dreams come true .
I new James Bond .
Recruit people East Germany to spy on West .
Journalists , scientists , professors who travel .
I steal NATO secrets .
Prostitutes visit Trump in Moscow .
He spill the beans .
Kind man .
Always thinking of others first .
Lots of hookers .
Lots of hookers .
Trump my puppet .
I love puppet .
Remind me of Big Bird , only orange .
I spread wishes for coronavirus to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat ?
Because if they fell forward , they ’ d still be in the boat .
What we learned today is Moscow Mitch is loyal to Donald Trump , not the constitution of the United States .
What do you have to say , Senator ?
Turtle ?
Where are you ?
He ’ s hibernating under a rock in your backyard .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk show host interviews Kentucky Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell, from his pond in Louisville.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Today on the show, I have a special guest. From his pond in Louisville, Kentucky, Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell.
JERRY
Looking at you, Senator. I understand why some animals eat their young.
SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL
Was that an insult, Duncan?
JERRY
No, Turtle. I’m describing you.
MCCONNELL
The story of my life. When I was a kid, I tried to get into a freak show at the Kentucky State Fair. The guy said, “Sorry, no professionals.”
JERRY
Speaking of ugly, you recently said President Obama should keep his mouth shut. That he is classless regarding his criticism of the way Trump is handling the coronavirus. What hypocrisy.
MCCONNELL
Hold on there.
JERRY
No. You hold on, Turtle Wax.
JERRY
Before Trump announced his candidacy for president in 2016, he said Obama was not born in the United States. I quote, “an incredible source has called my office.”
MCCONNELL
I can explain.
JERRY
Here’s a bold face lie. “Obama founded ISIS. I give him the most valuable player award. The same award I gave to Hillary Clinton. The country’s generals were reduced to rubble under Obama.”
JERRY
18,000 lies in three years. The truth is Trump fired all the good generals. He said, ” I know more than the generals.”
MCCONNELL
Duncan. He’s not a politician.
JERRY
He’s not even a human being.
MCCONNELL
There is a silver lining. Trump helped people like me pay less taxes. Greed is good.
JERRY
You dragged Obama through the mud for eight years. From his first day in office, you plotted with fellow Republicans to make him a one term president. You blocked his nominations for Federal Judicial vacancies. Even refusing to give Supreme Justice Court nominee Merrick Garland a hearing.
MCCONNELL
Get me some lettuce.
JERRY
And that’s not all, Moscow Mitch. In 2016, you refused to sign a bipartisan statement warning the public of Russia’s attempts to influence the election. Blocked election security legislation to protect the nation from foreign interference in our elections. Why?
MCCONNELL
Because a generous Russian investor named Oleg Deripaska made a $200 million dollar investment in an aluminum facility in Kentucky. I’m a job creator.
JERRY
No lettuce for you.
Donald Trump bursts through the door.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
You tell em, Mitch. Putin is an honorable man. Let me read a message from Puty to the American people. Good guy. Good guy.
PUTIN
Dear Trump and America,
You’re jelly to burger, knife to soup, bagel to pork chop, ketchup to ice cream. I make no sense. When I was boy in St. Petersburg, dream of being spy in KGB. Hero Boris and Natasha. Bullwinkle Moose was idiot. Dreams come true. I new James Bond. Recruit people East Germany to spy on West. Journalists, scientists, professors who travel. I steal NATO secrets. Prostitutes visit Trump in Moscow. He spill the beans.
TRUMP
Kind man. Always thinking of others first. Lots of hookers. Lots of hookers.
Trump continues reading.
PUTIN
Trump my puppet. I love puppet. Remind me of Big Bird, only orange.
TRUMP
Who doesn’t love a puppet?
Trump continues reading.
PUTIN
I spread wishes for coronavirus to West. Go scuba diving!
JERRY
Trumpster. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
TRUMP
No clue.
JERRY
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.
JERRY
What we learned today is Moscow Mitch is loyal to Donald Trump, not the constitution of the United States. What do you have to say, Senator? Turtle? Where are you?
TRUMP
He’s hibernating under a rock in your backyard.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-05-21--Everyone’s a Winner: How to Enjoy Sports When There Are No Sports

No sporting events to watch ?
No problem : the author shares his secret method to enjoy sports like never before !
I knew I ’ d reached my pandemic breaking point when I found myself watching a rebroadcast of a quarterfinal Wimbledon tennis match from 2014 .
My glassy-eyed TV viewing told me it was time to take drastic action .
For weeks , I ’ d been telling myself that I was handling this crisis .
Despite a lack of live sporting events on television , I was convinced that I was managing my addiction well and was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unplanned instant withdrawal .
For the first few days , I managed to deal with the absence of games with no obvious signs .
I guess the overwhelming COVID-19 news coverage kept me occupied and I didn ’ t think too much about the basketball , hockey and baseball games I was missing .
After the first week , however , it became apparent that this pandemic thing was no flash in the pan and that we were in for months of no sporting events .
That ’ s when I started to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sports talk shows where hosts and guests valiantly continued to argue about draft picks , playoff prognostications and trade rumors as if nothing had happened .
But teams wouldn ’ t be back in action soon and , in fact , the sporting horizon looked awfully bleak as far as the eye could see with the cancelling of Wimbledon , the Tour de France and even the Summer Olympics .
I vowed to carry on regardless and knew what I had to do to enjoy sports once again : start watching rebroadcasts of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to my belief that sports watching meant not knowing the outcome .
For a couple of weeks , this substitute sufficed as I relived past playoff games and championship matches .
It even allowed me to re-watch the Montreal Canadiens Stanley Cup victory in 1993 as if for the first time .
But I knew this couldn ’ t work forever .
Like a heroin addict on methadone , I was missing the addictive live-action highs that I had been experiencing for years .
I kept looking for more and more obscure old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ live events .
Soccer matches from years ago , long-forgotten golf tournaments from the previous millennium and even bowling competitions from God knows when .
And that ’ s how I ended up glassy-eyed on the sofa trying to enjoy sports by watching an ancient Wimbledon tennis match that even the two competitors had probably already forgotten .
Surely there had to be a better solution and luckily there was .
The various professional leagues may have packed it in for now but , thanks to my imagination , I don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get to play out the balance of the NHL season in my mind in any way I choose .
At this point , I have my cellar-dwelling Ottawa Senators making the playoffs by the skin of their teeth and facing the mighty Boston Bruins in the first round .
I think you know how that ’ s going to play out in what some might call my Cinderella scenario culminating in a Stanley Cup win .
The beauty of this approach is that I can apply it to whatever sporting event I want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Toronto Raptors ’ repeat path to the NBA championship and Milos Raonic ’ s long-awaited Grand Slam victory at The Championships .
What ’ s particularly appealing about this option is that everyone gets the result they want .
If you ’ re a Montreal Canadiens fan or a Boston Celtics follower , you can create your own personal path to a championship .
Heck , as far as I know , it should work even if you ’ re a fan of the Cleveland Browns or the New York Knicks .
So @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and join me in a personal quest for sporting success .
Who knows ?
This plan may be so successful that we ’ ll never have to watch the real games again .

No sporting events to watch? No problem: the author shares his secret method to enjoy sports like never before!
I knew I’d reached my pandemic breaking point when I found myself watching a rebroadcast of a quarterfinal Wimbledon tennis match from 2014. My glassy-eyed TV viewing told me it was time to take drastic action.
For weeks, I’d been telling myself that I was handling this crisis. Despite a lack of live sporting events on television, I was convinced that I was managing my addiction well and was coping OK with what had been an unplanned instant withdrawal.
For the first few days, I managed to deal with the absence of games with no obvious signs. I guess the overwhelming COVID-19 news coverage kept me occupied and I didn’t think too much about the basketball, hockey and baseball games I was missing.
After the first week, however, it became apparent that this pandemic thing was no flash in the pan and that we were in for months of no sporting events. That’s when I started to weaken.
First, I turned to sports talk shows where hosts and guests valiantly continued to argue about draft picks, playoff prognostications and trade rumors as if nothing had happened.
But teams wouldn’t be back in action soon and, in fact, the sporting horizon looked awfully bleak as far as the eye could see with the cancelling of Wimbledon, the Tour de France and even the Summer Olympics.
I vowed to carry on regardless and knew what I had to do to enjoy sports once again: start watching rebroadcasts of past games even if this was anathema to my belief that sports watching meant not knowing the outcome.
For a couple of weeks, this substitute sufficed as I relived past playoff games and championship matches. It even allowed me to re-watch the Montreal Canadiens Stanley Cup victory in 1993 as if for the first time.
But I knew this couldn’t work forever. Like a heroin addict on methadone, I was missing the addictive live-action highs that I had been experiencing for years.
I kept looking for more and more obscure old sporting contests that I could pretend were live events. Soccer matches from years ago, long-forgotten golf tournaments from the previous millennium and even bowling competitions from God knows when.
And that’s how I ended up glassy-eyed on the sofa trying to enjoy sports by watching an ancient Wimbledon tennis match that even the two competitors had probably already forgotten. Surely there had to be a better solution and luckily there was.
The various professional leagues may have packed it in for now but, thanks to my imagination, I don’t have to. For example, I get to play out the balance of the NHL season in my mind in any way I choose.
At this point, I have my cellar-dwelling Ottawa Senators making the playoffs by the skin of their teeth and facing the mighty Boston Bruins in the first round. I think you know how that’s going to play out in what some might call my Cinderella scenario culminating in a Stanley Cup win.
The beauty of this approach is that I can apply it to whatever sporting event I want. I’m already planning the Toronto Raptors’ repeat path to the NBA championship and Milos Raonic’s long-awaited Grand Slam victory at The Championships.
What’s particularly appealing about this option is that everyone gets the result they want. If you’re a Montreal Canadiens fan or a Boston Celtics follower, you can create your own personal path to a championship. Heck, as far as I know, it should work even if you’re a fan of the Cleveland Browns or the New York Knicks.
So forget about the shutdown of professional leagues and join me in a personal quest for sporting success. Who knows? This plan may be so successful that we’ll never have to watch the real games again.


humortimes--2020-05-23--The Official White House Coronavirus Test

If you are hoping to be tested for COVID-19 , it is first necessary to take and pass the following simple written quiz .
“ If somebody wants to be tested right now , they ’ ll be able to be tested.
” — President Donald Trump , May 11 , 2020 Some in the media have criticized Donald Trump for repeatedly claiming that anyone who wants a Coronavirus test can get one .
But he ’ s actually right — except that the test the President is referring to is not quite the same one that they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ following : If you are looking for a Coronavirus test to find out whether or not you have the disease , it is first necessary to take and pass the following simple written test .
The White House is providing you with a test sheet , two No .
2 pencils and a free “ I survived the 2020 pandemic ” coffee mug .
When the invigilator fires his or her replica .44 Magnum starting pistol , exam takers will turn over their test sheets and answer the following questions : 1 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ) a wet market in Wuhan , China b ) a virus lab in Wuhan , China c ) Barack Obama ’ s Deep State d ) an unknown location ( Score one point for a ) , two points for b ) and three points for c ) . )
2 .
President Trump said which of the following : a ) Mission Accomplished .
b ) I am a stable genius .
c ) We have met the moment and we have prevailed .
d ) I ’ m really sorry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Three points for c ) , two points for b ) and one point for a ) although that was actually George W. Bush .
Minus five points , by the way , for d ) . )
3 .
When did President Trump first learn of the novel corona virus ?
a ) He knew about the virus right from the start even before the virus itself knew .
b ) Nobody knew there would be a pandemic .
c ) I knew it was a pandemic long before it was called @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Barack Obama knew about it and did absolutely nothing .
( Forget the inconsistencies between these answers and give yourself two points for any one . )
4 .
Which of the following COVID-19 cures are attributable to Donald Trump ?
a ) Hydroxychloroquine b ) Injecting disinfectant c ) Ingesting sunlight d ) There is no known treatment or cure as of yet .
( Give yourself two points for any or all of a ) , b ) or c ) .
If you chose d ) , shame on you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
As for the pandemic , President Trump : a ) Is doing a fantastic job .
b ) Is transitioning to greatness .
c ) Is keeping America great .
d ) Has blood on his hands .
( You get two points for a ) , b ) or c ) and an automatic failure for d ) . )
6 .
When it comes to the pandemic , thanks to President Trump : a ) We killed fewer people than some thought .
b ) We ’ re number one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ c ) We have conducted more tests than any other country .
d ) Not on a per capita basis .
( Give yourself one point for a ) , two for b ) and three for c ) .
Deduct two points for the fake news answer d ) . )
If you ’ ve made it this far , add up your points .
If you scored fewer than fifteen , nice try , but unfortunately you don ’ t qualify for an actual coronavirus test .
If , however , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have attached a check for $ 1,000 made out to the CREEP ( the Committee to Reelect the President ) , bend over , open your mouth and say “ ahh .
”

If you are hoping to be tested for COVID-19, it is first necessary to take and pass the following simple written quiz.
“If somebody wants to be tested right now, they’ll be able to be tested.” — President Donald Trump, May 11, 2020
Some in the media have criticized Donald Trump for repeatedly claiming that anyone who wants a Coronavirus test can get one. But he’s actually right — except that the test the President is referring to is not quite the same one that they’re thinking of — as evidenced by the following:
OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE CORONAVIRUS TEST
If you are looking for a Coronavirus test to find out whether or not you have the disease, it is first necessary to take and pass the following simple written test. The White House is providing you with a test sheet, two No. 2 pencils and a free “I survived the 2020 pandemic” coffee mug.
When the invigilator fires his or her replica .44 Magnum starting pistol, exam takers will turn over their test sheets and answer the following questions:
1. The novel corona virus originated in
a) a wet market in Wuhan, China
b) a virus lab in Wuhan, China
c) Barack Obama’s Deep State
d) an unknown location
(Score one point for a), two points for b) and three points for c).)
2. President Trump said which of the following:
a) Mission Accomplished.
b) I am a stable genius.
c) We have met the moment and we have prevailed.
d) I’m really sorry for screwing up the pandemic.
(Three points for c), two points for b) and one point for a) although that was actually George W. Bush. Minus five points, by the way, for d).)
3. When did President Trump first learn of the novel corona virus?
a) He knew about the virus right from the start even before the virus itself knew.
b) Nobody knew there would be a pandemic.
c) I knew it was a pandemic long before it was called a pandemic.
d) Way after Barack Obama knew about it and did absolutely nothing.
(Forget the inconsistencies between these answers and give yourself two points for any one.)
4. Which of the following COVID-19 cures are attributable to Donald Trump?
a) Hydroxychloroquine
b) Injecting disinfectant
c) Ingesting sunlight
d) There is no known treatment or cure as of yet.
(Give yourself two points for any or all of a), b) or c). If you chose d), shame on you and deduct three points.)
5. As for the pandemic, President Trump:
a) Is doing a fantastic job.
b) Is transitioning to greatness.
c) Is keeping America great.
d) Has blood on his hands.
(You get two points for a), b) or c) and an automatic failure for d).)
6. When it comes to the pandemic, thanks to President Trump:
a) We killed fewer people than some thought.
b) We’re number one! We’re number one!
c) We have conducted more tests than any other country.
d) Not on a per capita basis.
(Give yourself one point for a), two for b) and three for c). Deduct two points for the fake news answer d).)
If you’ve made it this far, add up your points. If you scored fewer than fifteen, nice try, but unfortunately you don’t qualify for an actual coronavirus test. If, however, you got fifteen or more points and have attached a check for $1,000 made out to the CREEP (the Committee to Reelect the President), bend over, open your mouth and say “ahh.”


humortimes--2020-05-23--What Is “Iyyikowa,” and Why Do We Need More of It?

The Choctaw have a word , “ iyyikowa , ” that means serving those in need… and we need more of it .
Charles Dickens , writing about the inequality and social turmoil leading to the French Revolution , noted , “ It was the best of times , it was the worst of times.
” So it is today , with the horrific COVID-19 killer both ravaging the globe and intensifying the inequality that was already rending social unity .
Consider the experiences of one especially hard-hit group in our country : Native Americans .
The Navajo Nation alone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ America ’ s COVID hotspots , with a higher death rate than all but four states .
Yet , in an example of the worst of times , Trump & Co. delayed disbursement of $ 8 billion in coronavirus relief funds that Congress had set aside for tribal governments .
The disease raged through Indian Country for six crucial weeks while Trump officials sat on the money .
People died .
In one symbolic screw-up , an American Indian health agency in Seattle urgently requested test kits and medical supplies , but when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
— it contained zippered body bags and tags that read , “ Attach to toe.
” Yet , the crisis has also been the best of times , with front-line health workers performing heroically , and regular folks everywhere coming through with countless acts of generosity and community spirit .
One incident in early May was especially poignant , again involving the Navajo Nation .
A GoFundMe appeal sought a couple million bucks to help that tribe deal with the spreading virus , but donations quickly surged past $ 3 million , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a surprising source : Irish people !
Huh ?
To connect the dots , go back to the Potato Famine of the 1840s , which killed a million Irish and forced another million to emigrate .
In the midst of their despair , though , a modest donation of $ 170 had arrived in the Emerald Isle in 1847 , lifting the nation ’ s spirit — not because of the amount but because it came from the equally impoverished and suffering people of the Choctaw Nation , 4,000 miles away in Oklahoma @ @ @ @ @ @ @ created a special bond that has endured and been celebrated ever since by generations of Native Americans and people of Irish heritage .
The Choctaw have a word , “ iyyikowa , ” that means serving those in need .
That ’ s what turns the worst of times into the best… and we need more of it .
Times of great adversity not only bring out the best and worst in society but also some of the stinkiest and slimiest creatures .
Think of war profiteers… or hucksters who prey on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Trump Kakistocracy , DeVos stands out as an especially loathsome plutocrat , constantly trying to weasel her far-right , corporatist agenda into law .
Unfortunately , as education secretary , the billionaire heiress is in a position to be an out-of-control wrecking ball on America ’ s public schools .
Indeed , she routinely connives to drain our tax dollars from public education and give them to for-profit private schools — including some she personally invests in .
Worse , she keeps trying to rig the rules so fly-by-night for-profit colleges can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grab more profits for the rich investors who own these educational chains .
Now the devilish DeVos has grabbed on to the government ’ s big coronavirus relief program as a way to impose her ideological agenda on American education .
While We the People have been focused on our health and economic survival , she has quietly been pushing school districts to use some $ 58 billion in COVID-19 emergency funds to create voucher-style grants to fund wealthy private schools at the expense of lower-income families .
Officials in New Orleans , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ put 77 % of their pandemic relief allocation in private hands , and Pennsylvania says more than half of its relief money would flow from the “ most disadvantaged to more advantaged students.
” Not satisfied with perverting the national disaster program into a slush fund for her privatization agenda , DeVos then tried to pervert language and logic when Congress caught on to her diversion scheme .
If the public money were to go primarily to public schools , her political staff retorted , it would place wealthy non-public schools “ at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the needs of the poor rich must come first so they ’ re not discriminated against by the … you know , actual poor .
Kakistocracy is government by the very worst people in society , and now it has a proper name : Betsy DeVos .

The Choctaw have a word, “iyyikowa,” that means serving those in need… and we need more of it.
Charles Dickens, writing about the inequality and social turmoil leading to the French Revolution, noted, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.”
So it is today, with the horrific COVID-19 killer both ravaging the globe and intensifying the inequality that was already rending social unity. Consider the experiences of one especially hard-hit group in our country: Native Americans. The Navajo Nation alone has become one of the worst of America’s COVID hotspots, with a higher death rate than all but four states. Yet, in an example of the worst of times, Trump & Co. delayed disbursement of $8 billion in coronavirus relief funds that Congress had set aside for tribal governments. The disease raged through Indian Country for six crucial weeks while Trump officials sat on the money. People died.
In one symbolic screw-up, an American Indian health agency in Seattle urgently requested test kits and medical supplies, but when a shipment finally arrived — good grief! — it contained zippered body bags and tags that read, “Attach to toe.”
Yet, the crisis has also been the best of times, with front-line health workers performing heroically, and regular folks everywhere coming through with countless acts of generosity and community spirit. One incident in early May was especially poignant, again involving the Navajo Nation. A GoFundMe appeal sought a couple million bucks to help that tribe deal with the spreading virus, but donations quickly surged past $3 million, mostly in small amounts pouring in from a surprising source: Irish people!
Huh? To connect the dots, go back to the Potato Famine of the 1840s, which killed a million Irish and forced another million to emigrate. In the midst of their despair, though, a modest donation of $170 had arrived in the Emerald Isle in 1847, lifting the nation’s spirit — not because of the amount but because it came from the equally impoverished and suffering people of the Choctaw Nation, 4,000 miles away in Oklahoma. This act of deep humanitarian empathy created a special bond that has endured and been celebrated ever since by generations of Native Americans and people of Irish heritage.
The Choctaw have a word, “iyyikowa,” that means serving those in need. That’s what turns the worst of times into the best… and we need more of it.
Times of great adversity not only bring out the best and worst in society but also some of the stinkiest and slimiest creatures. Think of war profiteers… or hucksters who prey on the elderly… or Betsy DeVos.
Even in the Trump Kakistocracy, DeVos stands out as an especially loathsome plutocrat, constantly trying to weasel her far-right, corporatist agenda into law. Unfortunately, as education secretary, the billionaire heiress is in a position to be an out-of-control wrecking ball on America’s public schools. Indeed, she routinely connives to drain our tax dollars from public education and give them to for-profit private schools — including some she personally invests in. Worse, she keeps trying to rig the rules so fly-by-night for-profit colleges can more easily defraud their low-income students and grab more profits for the rich investors who own these educational chains.
Now the devilish DeVos has grabbed on to the government’s big coronavirus relief program as a way to impose her ideological agenda on American education. While We the People have been focused on our health and economic survival, she has quietly been pushing school districts to use some $58 billion in COVID-19 emergency funds to create voucher-style grants to fund wealthy private schools at the expense of lower-income families. Officials in New Orleans, for example, say her plan would put 77% of their pandemic relief allocation in private hands, and Pennsylvania says more than half of its relief money would flow from the “most disadvantaged to more advantaged students.”
Not satisfied with perverting the national disaster program into a slush fund for her privatization agenda, DeVos then tried to pervert language and logic when Congress caught on to her diversion scheme. If the public money were to go primarily to public schools, her political staff retorted, it would place wealthy non-public schools “at a disadvantage.” Yes, in DeVosWorld, the needs of the poor rich must come first so they’re not discriminated against by the … you know, actual poor.
Kakistocracy is government by the very worst people in society, and now it has a proper name: Betsy DeVos.


humortimes--2020-05-23--Movie Review: ‘The Vast of Night’

Movie Review: ‘The Vast of Night’

If Fox Mulder and Dana Scully had had some kind of banner notification about strange occurrences going on somewhere in America that required their investigatory talents such as a Bat Signal , then The Vast of Night would be flashing that message across a dark sky to this now , unfortunately , defunct duo so well-known to seek… out there… what ’ s likely the truth .
Agents Mulder and Scully would need a sign from Alexander Patterson , a young debuting film director , out of Oklahoma City , on whom we need keep an eye .
Patterson isn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can be called spectacular… although , that might change .
This The Vast of Night thing ’ s got quite a bit going for it even though most of us have all been there and done that .
Does Roswell ring a bell ?
Well , it ’ s cleverly scripted that the name of that small town in New Mexico is not mentioned at all .
But Cayuga , New Mexico is .
And that ’ s the fictitious burg where , in the dark of night , during the mid to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
What you have is Fay , a 16-year-old girl who does the local telephone operator night shift just off the main drag , such as it is , in beautiful downtown Cayuga .
Just over a block or so you ’ ll find Everett , the tiny town radio station ’ s evening dee-jay .
Since Everett does radio , he ’ s sort of the bon vivant wannabe of Cayuga , and probably not yet 18 .
The station ’ s call sign where Everett works is unrealistically given as WOTW @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , New Mexico is west of the Mississippi River , so surely there are science-fiction shenanigans planned for this picture .
( But , how ’ bout KOTW instead ? )
And to put a finer edge on the radio announcer guy , the PR material describes him as charismatic .
Oh yes indeed , humor is needed as much as the strange and unexplained circumstances put to this script by James Montague and Craig W. Sanger .
Both of these guys spend most of their time in central Oklahoma , too .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the players ’ names .
You… and I as well… have never heard of them .
As the acting is exemplary , that ought not put you off .
Even the scenes where off-camera voices are speaking in dialogue with on screen actors , all is straight ahead convincing .
Lines are delivered professionally .
Audio is almost as big a part of this movie as the visuals .
Much is made of editing old quarter-inch audio tape .
( I ’ ll never know the number of spots I produced when I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the recording equipment is ancient , but looks genuine .
Everett has brought some of it to the local high school ’ s first basketball game of the season… for interviewing students and fans .
Fay is there , too , before her shift .
She ’ s taking lessons from Everett on how to operate the tape unit and also learn the art of the interview .
Everett sort of interviews her so she can experience his “ smooth ” technique .
Back at the phone office , Fay is shown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phone chatter .
The radio is playing WOTW behind her ; she ’ s listening to Everett while dealing with lots of wires .
Then all at once , on her radio speaker , she hears a really weird sound coming in on top of Everett ’ s jock show .
My gawd , what IS THAT ?
And so the story starts to roll , and it will keep your attention .
In fact , much of what director Patterson is working for in making this picture is to nail the audience @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up .
Worked for me .
A caller tells Fay the eerie sound is emanating from miles and miles up in the night sky that all of us assume is rather vast .
Exactly where and what ’ s making the noise are fuel for much of the rest of the movie .
DJ Everett surely must put on an LP , because he races from the studio with Fay in tow since she ’ s not tied down with a busy switchboard .
Other than interiors , all scenes are in darkness @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as well , curiously slips and slides along the deserted streets of Cayuga .
( There must be a song title in that last phrase . )
Attention must be paid for The Vast of Night as the plot thickens and wanes … then thickens again ; and finally , allowing for a resolution that ’ s not as forthcoming as I ’ d like it to be .
Yet , it does touch base with previous sci-fi works like The X-Files , Close Encounters of the Third Kind and , for some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : American Graffiti and The Last Picture Show .
That last notion of mine is because I did read The Vast of Night was filmed in the little town of Whitney , Texas .
( It ’ s about half way between Dallas and Austin . )
The Last Picture Show was set in a small Texas town during the same time period director Patterson ’ s “ Night Vasting ” puts you .
Promotional material says Patterson is not breathing heavily to go on to Hollywood .
He wants to hang out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ might want to rethink that .
Heavens to Will Rogers !
Brad Pitt is a native of Shawnee , Oklahoma .
And it ’ s just down the road a ways from OKC .
Just who does the Rod Serling voice impersonation at the beginning ?
I have no idea ; however , it is a reasonable facsimile .
So… get zoned on Amazon with The Vast of Night .

“The Vast of Night” – a film review by Gary Chew
If Fox Mulder and Dana Scully had had some kind of banner notification about strange occurrences going on somewhere in America that required their investigatory talents such as a Bat Signal, then The Vast of Night would be flashing that message across a dark sky to this now, unfortunately, defunct duo so well-known to seek… out there… what’s likely the truth.
Agents Mulder and Scully would need a sign from Alexander Patterson, a young debuting film director, out of Oklahoma City, on whom we need keep an eye. Patterson isn’t really known for anything that can be called spectacular… although, that might change. This The Vast of Night thing’s got quite a bit going for it even though most of us have all been there and done that.
Does Roswell ring a bell? Well, it’s cleverly scripted that the name of that small town in New Mexico is not mentioned at all. But Cayuga, New Mexico is. And that’s the fictitious burg where, in the dark of night, during the mid to late Fifties, things got really Roswellian.
What you have is Fay, a 16-year-old girl who does the local telephone operator night shift just off the main drag, such as it is, in beautiful downtown Cayuga. Just over a block or so you’ll find Everett, the tiny town radio station’s evening dee-jay. Since Everett does radio, he’s sort of the bon vivant wannabe of Cayuga, and probably not yet 18. The station’s call sign where Everett works is unrealistically given as WOTW. Last time I saw a map, New Mexico is west of the Mississippi River, so surely there are science-fiction shenanigans planned for this picture. (But, how ’bout KOTW instead?)
And to put a finer edge on the radio announcer guy, the PR material describes him as charismatic. Oh yes indeed, humor is needed as much as the strange and unexplained circumstances put to this script by James Montague and Craig W. Sanger. Both of these guys spend most of their time in central Oklahoma, too.
I won’t bother you with the players’ names. You… and I as well… have never heard of them. As the acting is exemplary, that ought not put you off. Even the scenes where off-camera voices are speaking in dialogue with on screen actors, all is straight ahead convincing. Lines are delivered professionally.
Audio is almost as big a part of this movie as the visuals. Much is made of editing old quarter-inch audio tape. (I’ll never know the number of spots I produced when I was in commercial AM.) All of the recording equipment is ancient, but looks genuine. Everett has brought some of it to the local high school’s first basketball game of the season… for interviewing students and fans. Fay is there, too, before her shift. She’s taking lessons from Everett on how to operate the tape unit and also learn the art of the interview. Everett sort of interviews her so she can experience his “smooth” technique.
Back at the phone office, Fay is shown plugging-in and unplugging folks’ needs for phone chatter. The radio is playing WOTW behind her; she’s listening to Everett while dealing with lots of wires. Then all at once, on her radio speaker, she hears a really weird sound coming in on top of Everett’s jock show. My gawd, what IS THAT? And so the story starts to roll, and it will keep your attention. In fact, much of what director Patterson is working for in making this picture is to nail the audience’s attention, and never let up. Worked for me.
A caller tells Fay the eerie sound is emanating from miles and miles up in the night sky that all of us assume is rather vast. Exactly where and what’s making the noise are fuel for much of the rest of the movie. DJ Everett surely must put on an LP, because he races from the studio with Fay in tow since she’s not tied down with a busy switchboard.
Other than interiors, all scenes are in darkness. All camerawork is slick; and as well, curiously slips and slides along the deserted streets of Cayuga. (There must be a song title in that last phrase.)
Attention must be paid for The Vast of Night as the plot thickens and wanes … then thickens again; and finally, allowing for a resolution that’s not as forthcoming as I’d like it to be. Yet, it does touch base with previous sci-fi works like The X-Files, Close Encounters of the Third Kind and, for some nutty reason, two non sci-fi pictures: American Graffiti and The Last Picture Show.
That last notion of mine is because I did read The Vast of Night was filmed in the little town of Whitney, Texas. (It’s about half way between Dallas and Austin.) The Last Picture Show was set in a small Texas town during the same time period director Patterson’s “Night Vasting” puts you.
Promotional material says Patterson is not breathing heavily to go on to Hollywood. He wants to hang out around Oklahoma City. But, he might want to rethink that. Heavens to Will Rogers! Brad Pitt is a native of Shawnee, Oklahoma. And it’s just down the road a ways from OKC.
Just who does the Rod Serling voice impersonation at the beginning? I have no idea; however, it is a reasonable facsimile. So… get zoned on Amazon with The Vast of Night.


humortimes--2020-05-23--Revealed: Common English Profanities Deeply Rooted in Slobovian Mythology

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Professor reveals true origin of many common profanities used in English speaking countries .
Recently on a special aired on SPBS ( Slobovian Public Broadcasting Snobu ) , Dr. Ghitchy Ghoomie of the University of Stanckh at Squatte revealed that many of the most common profanities used in English speaking countries are actually of Slobovian origin .
The commonly used term “ Shit ” derived in early Slobovian mythology .
It comes from “ Schitte , ” the name @ @ @ @ @ @ @ great God , King Feces .
As most of the world knows , the major religion in Slobovia is Defecationism , based on the belief that man came from the ass of King Feces .
When the Slobovian language was being formed , “ Schitte ” became a catchall phrase : ” Where ’ s my Schitte , ” etc .
It was believed to have been brought to England explorer Parko Molo .
The popular term “ crap ” originated in the eighth Slobovian Century when Solbbo-Roman emperor Grabbus Crappus began issuing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crappe.
” His wife Fugacious ran the largest gambling parlor in Slobovia and paid the winners in Crappe .
A major problem arose between Fugacious and Princess Bitchasse of a warlike tribe called The Heffahs .
When Bitchasse won an enormous amount of money , she refused to be paid in crappe .
“ I ain ’ t taking any more crappe , “ she screamed… then she murdered Fugacious and Grabbus Crappus and burned the gambling hall to the ground .
The next day newspaper headlines read , “ How About All @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phrase , “ Bullshit , ” dates to ancient Slobovia when Queen Bhullschetta of the Irks Tribe would gather all the story tellers , liars , con men and loudmouths together for week-long “ Bhullscetta ” festivals .
The uneducated members of the tribe boiled the phrase down to “ Let ’ s have some more Bullshit.
“

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Professor reveals true origin of many common profanities used in English speaking countries.
A part of the continuing "Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)" series.
Recently on a special aired on SPBS (Slobovian Public Broadcasting Snobu), Dr. Ghitchy Ghoomie of the University of Stanckh at Squatte revealed that many of the most common profanities used in English speaking countries are actually of Slobovian origin.
The commonly used term “Shit” derived in early Slobovian mythology. It comes from “Schitte,” the name of the first born son of the great God, King Feces. As most of the world knows, the major religion in Slobovia is Defecationism, based on the belief that man came from the ass of King Feces. When the Slobovian language was being formed, “Schitte” became a catchall phrase: ”Where’s my Schitte,” etc.
It was believed to have been brought to England explorer Parko Molo.
The popular term “crap” originated in the eighth Slobovian Century when Solbbo-Roman emperor Grabbus Crappus began issuing his own currency, commonly called “crappe.” His wife Fugacious ran the largest gambling parlor in Slobovia and paid the winners in Crappe.
A major problem arose between Fugacious and Princess Bitchasse of a warlike tribe called The Heffahs. When Bitchasse won an enormous amount of money, she refused to be paid in crappe. “I ain’t taking any more crappe,“ she screamed… then she murdered Fugacious and Grabbus Crappus and burned the gambling hall to the ground.
The next day newspaper headlines read, “How About All of that Crappe?”
Another common phrase, “Bullshit,” dates to ancient Slobovia when Queen Bhullschetta of the Irks Tribe would gather all the story tellers, liars, con men and loudmouths together for week-long “Bhullscetta” festivals. The uneducated members of the tribe boiled the phrase down to “Let’s have some more Bullshit.“


humortimes--2020-05-23--The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 55-61

The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 55-61

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : It ’ s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all right here !
Thirty minutes everyone .
Everything okay , Mr. Duncan ?
Old man Kissinger is upset that he didn ’ t get a chocolate swirl .
Like he needs it .
Do you know what ’ s the difference between me and Henry Kissinger ?
Senator Schumer is waiting in the green room .
Get Schumer in the studio .
I ’ m ready for the fight .
Jerry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hands him a microphone .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Schumer ’ s silhouette is visible behind the screen .
Yes , it is .
Let ’ s hear it from the listeners .
Today on the show is Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer .
A real scrapper from Brooklyn .
Thank you , Jerry .
I brought my Yankee cap to show I ’ m a human being and not a robot .
So should I say it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Because you ’ ll feel like crap when you leave .
Well .
That ’ s why I came .
I ’ m cool , calm and collective .
And you ’ re a loud mouth jerk .
( perturbed ) Hold on there , Dr. Freud .
You can ’ t analyze me .
You agreed to do the show knowing my mental state .
I like publicity .
What can I say ?
Does anybody even listen to this show ?
Senator Mitch McConnell was here a few months ago @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a pond to live in after retirement in upstate New York .
He better hope that Trump doesn ’ t “ drain that swamp.
” Chuckie cracked a funny .
I get it…swamp , turtle .
Who wrote that one , your pothead cousin Amy Schumer ?
You like to talk .
In fact , you can ’ t keep your mouth shut .
All those boring speeches day after day .
( mimics ) Everybody loves me .
I ’ m so great .
I got a perfect 1600 on my SAT @ @ @ @ @ @ @ point , Jerry .
Everybody should love me .
You ’ re so annoying .
Former Senator Bob Dole once said , “ The most dangerous place in Washington is between Charles Schumer and a television camera.
” Listen .
Bob Dole ?
You got ta consider the source .
He ’ s been a walking dead man for twenty years .
He ’ s the first dead person to run for president of the United States .
Besides , he rose to power as the hatchet man for Richard Nixon .
If @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d be kissing Trump ’ s ass .
Oh .
Are we back ?
This is a stunt Congress would pull .
You ’ re childish .
Sticks and stones will break my bones , but you are one big bowel movement .
I ’ m dealing with a crazy man .
If anyone is listening to the show , come help me from this nonsense .
Let ’ s see .
Graduated from Harvard law school , but never practiced law .
Why ?
Because I wanted to be famous and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Clinton impeachment hearings .
Was a consensus builder on health care and immigration in the House back in 1981 .
You weren ’ t even born in ’ 81 .
Or just a tickle in your dad ’ s balls .
Did I tell you that I was in the Gang of Eight ?
You ’ re a riot .
You were in a gang .
So was Snoop Dogg .
Why can ’ t Americans get along ?
Tell me .
Have you been paying attention to what ’ s been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this country ?
People can ’ t agree if the sun is coming up .
Can you and I even talk about anything ?
Yes .
We ’ re both New York Yankee fans .
Go Bronx bombers !
America can be great and get along .
Something as simple as baseball brings people together in the spirit of friendship and harmony .
Jerry , you surprise me .
You inspired me .
Please allow me a short speech .
I ’ ll pretend I didn ’ t hear that .
What ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Do you know what ’ s coming up in the Senate ?
Come here .
I ’ m gon na tell you a secret of how your government works .
Do you know what is going on in the Senate ?
Bupkis .
Nothing !
The Democrats pass a bill .
The Republicans pass their version .
It dies on Mitch McConnell ’ s desk .
Then it ’ s time for a recess .
Like you guys actually work .
I ’ m paying for that time off you know .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m on the beach drinking a Shirley Temple .
Everything paid for by taxpayers .
I thought you were going to say a certain part of my body .
You know , Jerry .
You ’ re really angy .
Did your mother ever breast feed you ?
I was adopted .
All I heard is that my real mother was from the Ozarks .
Didn ’ t know her ass from a hole in the ground .
I don ’ t want to call it a day , but all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Do you feel like crap , Senator ?
Yes , I do .
I should have gone on a real show like Ellen .
Jerry moves over to his apartment and sits on the couch .
Finally , I can relax from those idiots .
It bothers me that Senator Schumer made you look like shit .
( grumpy ) What do you mean ?
You ’ re fired !
The intern drinks from his water bottle then reacts by spitting water in Jerry ’ s face .
I ’ m so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enters the apartment .
She has a stern look on her face .
Jerry sees her and gets the message .
That was mean , Jerry .
I know , but I have some exciting news .
I lost 20 pounds .
Oh , great .
Now you can use your bracelet as a hula hoop .
( disappointed ) I thought you ’ d be happy for me .
Instead I ’ m insulted .
My mistake is thinking that you love me as much as I love you .
I won @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Good bye .

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
INTERN
Thirty minutes everyone. Everything okay, Mr. Duncan?
JERRY
Old man Kissinger is upset that he didn’t get a chocolate swirl. Like he needs it.
INTERN
That’s funny.
JERRY
Do you know what’s the difference between me and Henry Kissinger?
INTERN
Age?
JERRY
100 pounds. Who’s next?
INTERN
Senator Schumer is waiting in the green room.
JERRY
Get Schumer in the studio. I’m ready for the fight.
INTERN
Yes, sir.
Jerry throws some fake punches. The intern hands him a microphone.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
Schumer’s silhouette is visible behind the screen.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
Yes, it is. Let’s hear it from the listeners.
JERRY
Today on the show is Democratic Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer. A real scrapper from Brooklyn.
SCHUMER
Thank you, Jerry. I brought my Yankee cap to show I’m a human being and not a robot. So should I say it’s good to be here?
JERRY
No. Because you’ll feel like crap when you leave.
SCHUMER
Well. That’s why I came. I’m cool, calm and collective. And you’re a loud mouth jerk.
JERRY
(perturbed) Hold on there, Dr. Freud. You can’t analyze me. You agreed to do the show knowing my mental state.
SCHUMER
I like publicity. What can I say? Does anybody even listen to this show?
JERRY
Senator Mitch McConnell was here a few months ago. He mentioned that you offered him a pond to live in after retirement in upstate New York.
SCHUMER
(giggles) That’s true.
JERRY
What’s so funny?
SCHUMER
He better hope that Trump doesn’t “drain that swamp.”
JERRY
Chuckie cracked a funny. I get it…swamp, turtle. Who wrote that one, your pothead cousin Amy Schumer?
SCHUMER
I don’t talk about her.
JERRY
You like to talk. In fact, you can’t keep your mouth shut. All those boring speeches day after day.
(mimics) Everybody loves me. I’m so great. I got a perfect 1600 on my SAT.
SCHUMER
I don’t get your point, Jerry. Everybody should love me. You’re so annoying.
JERRY
Former Senator Bob Dole once said, “The most dangerous place in Washington is between Charles Schumer and a television camera.”
SCHUMER
Listen. Bob Dole? You gotta consider the source. He’s been a walking dead man for twenty years. He’s the first dead person to run for president of the United States. Besides, he rose to power as the hatchet man for Richard Nixon. If Dole were in power today, he’d be kissing Trump’s ass.
Jerry is fake snoring.
JERRY
Oh. Are we back?
SCHUMER
This is a stunt Congress would pull. You’re childish.
JERRY
Sticks and stones will break my bones, but you are one big bowel movement.
SCHUMER
I’m dealing with a crazy man. If anyone is listening to the show, come help me from this nonsense.
JERRY
Let’s see. Graduated from Harvard law school, but never practiced law. Why?
SCHUMER
Because I wanted to be famous and powerful. I rose to power during the Clinton impeachment hearings. Was a consensus builder on health care and immigration in the House back in 1981. You weren’t even born in ’81. Or just a tickle in your dad’s balls. Did I tell you that I was in the Gang of Eight?
JERRY
You’re a riot. You were in a gang. So was Snoop Dogg. Why can’t Americans get along? Tell me.
SCHUMER
Have you been paying attention to what’s been going on the past three years in this country? People can’t agree if the sun is coming up. Can you and I even talk about anything?
JERRY
Yes. We’re both New York Yankee fans. Go Bronx bombers!
SCHUMER
America can be great and get along. Something as simple as baseball brings people together in the spirit of friendship and harmony. Jerry, you surprise me. You inspired me. Please allow me a short speech.
JERRY
Oh, God. Don’t talk.
SCHUMER
What’s wrong, Jerry? You are hopeless.
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. What’s coming up in the Senate?
SCHUMER
Do you know what’s coming up in the Senate? Come here. I’m gonna tell you a secret of how your government works. Do you know what is going on in the Senate? Bupkis. Nothing! The Democrats pass a bill. The Republicans pass their version. It dies on Mitch McConnell’s desk. Then it’s time for a recess.
JERRY
Like you guys actually work. I’m paying for that time off you know.
SCHUMER
I’ll be thinking of you when I’m on the beach drinking a Shirley Temple. Everything paid for by taxpayers.
JERRY
I hope a shark rips of your swim trunks.
SCHUMER
I thought you were going to say a certain part of my body.
JERRY
That, too.
SCHUMER
You know, Jerry. You’re really angy. Did your mother ever breast feed you?
JERRY
I was adopted. All I heard is that my real mother was from the Ozarks. Didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground.
SCHUMER
I rest my case.
JERRY
I don’t want to call it a day, but all good things must come to an end. Do you feel like crap, Senator?
SCHUMER
Yes, I do. I should have gone on a real show like Ellen.
JERRY
Mission accomplished. Good-bye everyone.
Jerry moves over to his apartment and sits on the couch.
Scene 4 Jerry’s Apartment
JERRY
Finally, I can relax from those idiots.
INTERN
Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Now what?
INTERN
It bothers me that Senator Schumer made you look like shit.
JERRY
(grumpy) What do you mean? You’re fired!
The intern drinks from his water bottle then reacts by spitting water in Jerry’s face.
INTERN
I’m so sorry. I deserved it.
Maggie enters the apartment. She has a stern look on her face. Jerry sees her and gets the message.
JERRY
All is forgiven. You’re rehired.
INTERN
I love show business.
The intern exits.
MAGGIE
That was mean, Jerry.
JERRY
What? Nothing happened. I’m tired.
MAGGIE
I know, but I have some exciting news. I lost 20 pounds.
JERRY
Oh, great. Now you can use your bracelet as a hula hoop.
MAGGIE
(disappointed) I thought you’d be happy for me. Instead I’m insulted. My mistake is thinking that you love me as much as I love you. I won’t bother you anymore, Jerry. Good bye.
JERRY
See ya. Thanks.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-05-26--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Talk Show Host Ellen DeGeneres

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , indeed .
My mother refuses to talk to me .
Today on the show my guest is comedian and talk show host Ellen Not Generous .
I ’ m proud to be Not Generous .
I mean DeGenerous .
Now you got me confused , you idiot .
I ’ ll pretend I didn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ re 62 years old .
You have the most successful TV talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show now in its 17th year .
You ’ re the host of Game of Games , you do standup comedy and have awards up the rear .
What ’ s left ?
Being stranded on Fantasy Island with Natalie Portman .
Let ’ s flip a coin .
Heads I win Natalie .
Tails you lose and end up with Caitlyn Jenner .
Looks like you have a major image problem .
No .
Your Ellen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ An employee on Twitter called you one of the meanest people alive .
You ’ ve been compared to a cannibal .
Did you hear about the two cannibals that were eating a clown ?
One says to the other , “ Does this taste funny to you ?
” Even weirder .
A cannibal passed his brother in the woods .
But here ’ s something that bothers most people .
You furloughed staffers without pay because of the coronavirus .
One staffer could lose his home .
Another can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I need the frickin money to keep up my $ 43 million dollar mansion .
I ’ m going nuts being holed up during the coronavirus .
Do you know what I do to pass the time ?
I tell jokes to ants on the sidewalk .
I dunk for apples in a wash tub .
The only good news is Bellevue Mental Hospital assured me they have room if I go postal .
You complained to a restaurant that a server had chipped nail polish .
That ’ s because I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ told my wife Portia to close the door 10 times on her way out .
I yelled at the postman , because he was instructed to ring the doorbell 47 times .
I counted 40 .
Now I can ’ t sleep .
I keep trying to ring the doorbell 7 more times in my head .
I trashed all my Swiffer Dusters , because my hair does a better job of dusting the furniture .
Thank goodness you have Portia .
Yeah .
Well , it comes at a price .
She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ own a bunch of kangaroos .
They are so lazy , I call them pouch potatoes .
Ellen cracked a funny , folks .
Keep it up and you could lose your career .
Seriously , Duncan .
Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than houses ?
It ’ s because they have very strong legs , and the fact houses can ’ t jump .
Quit pulling my chain .
This is supposed to be a serious interview .
But I have two left feet .
( yells ) It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Put a little boogie in it .
The 50 Cent song plays as Ellen and Jerry Dance .
Go , go , go , go , go , go We gon ’ party like its your birthday And we gon ’ sip Bacardi like it ’ s your birthday And you know we don ’ t give a F , it ’ s not your birthday .
Do you want to hang out at my mansion ?
The music gets louder .
Jerry can barely hear .
Okay .
Just remember to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian and talk show host Ellen DeGeneres.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, indeed. My mother refuses to talk to me. Today on the show my guest is comedian and talk show host Ellen Not Generous.
ELLEN
It’s pronounced DeGeneres.
JERRY
Big deal. I missed a few letters.
ELLEN
I’m proud to be Not Generous. I mean DeGenerous. Now you got me confused, you idiot.
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. You’re 62 years old. You have the most successful TV talk show The Ellen DeGeneres Show now in its 17th year. You’re the host of Game of Games, you do standup comedy and have awards up the rear. What’s left?
ELLEN
Being stranded on Fantasy Island with Natalie Portman.
JERRY
Let’s flip a coin. Heads I win Natalie. Tails you lose and end up with Caitlyn Jenner.
ELLEN
You’re no fun, Duncan.
JERRY
Looks like you have a major image problem.
ELLEN
Because I dress like a Ken doll?
JERRY
No. Your Ellen staff said you are a monster. An employee on Twitter called you one of the meanest people alive. You’ve been compared to a cannibal.
ELLEN
Did you hear about the two cannibals that were eating a clown? One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
JERRY
Even weirder. A cannibal passed his brother in the woods. But here’s something that bothers most people. You furloughed staffers without pay because of the coronavirus. One staffer could lose his home. Another can’t feed his family.
ELLEN
Screw em. I need the frickin money to keep up my $43 million dollar mansion. I’m going nuts being holed up during the coronavirus. Do you know what I do to pass the time? I tell jokes to ants on the sidewalk. I dunk for apples in a wash tub. The only good news is Bellevue Mental Hospital assured me they have room if I go postal.
JERRY
You complained to a restaurant that a server had chipped nail polish.
ELLEN
That’s because I’m OCD. The other day I told my wife Portia to close the door 10 times on her way out. I yelled at the postman, because he was instructed to ring the doorbell 47 times. I counted 40. Now I can’t sleep. I keep trying to ring the doorbell 7 more times in my head. I trashed all my Swiffer Dusters, because my hair does a better job of dusting the furniture.
JERRY
Thank goodness you have Portia.
ELLEN
Yeah. Well, it comes at a price. She’s from Australia, so we own a bunch of kangaroos. They are so lazy, I call them pouch potatoes.
JERRY
Ellen cracked a funny, folks. Keep it up and you could lose your career.
ELLEN
Seriously, Duncan. Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than houses?
JERRY
No.
ELLEN
It’s because they have very strong legs, and the fact houses can’t jump.
JERRY
Quit pulling my chain. This is supposed to be a serious interview.
ELLEN
Really?
JERRY
Bahaha. Bahaha.
ELLEN
Let’s dance. I’m cranking up the boombox.
The 50 Cent rap song In Da Club starts playing.
JERRY
But I have two left feet.
Music is loud.
ELLEN
(yells) It’s like making a tissue dance. Put a little boogie in it.
The 50 Cent song plays as Ellen and Jerry Dance.
Go, go, go, go, go, go
Go Shorty, it’s your birthday.
We gon’party like its your birthday
And we gon’sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday
And you know we don’t give a F, it’s not your birthday.
JERRY
(grooving) Keepin it real.
ELLEN
Do you want to hang out at my mansion?
The music gets louder. Jerry can barely hear.
JERRY
No. I’m not Charles Manson.
ELLEN
Okay. Just remember to ring the doorbell 47 times.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-05-26--Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/26/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/26/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m going to get medical advice from a gameshow host , I ’ d get it from Steve Harvey .
At least , Steve ’ d survey 100 real doctors to find the best advice !
On the upside , it doubled the home ’ s property value .
California Gov Gavin Newsome said baseball could resume with no fans in the stands … just like all Dodger games after the 7th inning .
Guess who ’ s auditioning to play Hillary Clinton in the HBO movie about 2016 election ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Although she can get it reduced with someone else ’ s good behavior !
Scientists believe cannabis could help prevent and treat coronavirus Or , just make you forget you had it in the first place .
Damn , Russian doctors keep falling out of windows .
You can not underestimate the gravity of this situation .
Or , as his band is now known ‘ The Huh ?
’ Trump says US will beat out Russia and China with ‘ super- duper missile ’ Because as we all know , the only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is with a good super-duper soaker gun .
A White House adviser said people protesting stay at home orders are the new Rosa Parks He also compared the people who booked their trips to Harriet Tubman .
Well , if you ’ re not covering your mouth and nose with a mask , then you ’ re just wearing a bib !
The White house has hired two college seniors to fill top posts in recent weeks Hmmmm , passing the Tiki-Torch to a new generation .
Channing Tatum seen taking out the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you always have to be ready for a spontaneous season of ‘ Dancing with the Stars ’ breaking out around you !
Contrary to Fox ’ s ‘ reopen the country ’ rhetoric , Fox News offices will remain closed until mid-June … While their minds will continue to remain closed even afterwards , as usual …

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Trump says he’s taking hydroxychloroquine
Frankly, if I’m going to get medical advice from a gameshow host, I’d get it from Steve Harvey. At least, Steve’d survey 100 real doctors to find the best advice!
Khloé Kardashian covered Kourtney’s house in toilet paper
On the upside, it doubled the home’s property value.
California Gov Gavin Newsome said baseball could resume with no fans in the stands
… just like all Dodger games after the 7th inning.
Chris Pratt deleted over 51,000 emails
Guess who’s auditioning to play Hillary Clinton in the HBO movie about 2016 election?
Lori Loughlin gets three months in jail
Although she can get it reduced with someone else’s good behavior!
Scientists believe cannabis could help prevent and treat coronavirus
Or, just make you forget you had it in the first place.
3 Russian doctors fall from hospital windows
Damn, Russian doctors keep falling out of windows. You can not underestimate the gravity of this situation.
Happy 75th Birthday, Pete Townshend
Or, as his band is now known ‘The Huh?’
Trump says US will beat out Russia and China with ‘super- duper missile’
Because as we all know, the only way to stop a bad super-duper missile is with a good super-duper soaker gun.
A White House adviser said people protesting stay at home orders are the new Rosa Parks
He also compared the people who booked their trips to Harriet Tubman.
How to wear a protective mask correctly
Well, if you’re not covering your mouth and nose with a mask, then you’re just wearing a bib!
The White house has hired two college seniors to fill top posts in recent weeks
Hmmmm, passing the Tiki-Torch to a new generation.
Channing Tatum seen taking out the trash in gold lamé
In fairness, you always have to be ready for a spontaneous season of ‘Dancing with the Stars’ breaking out around you!
Contrary to Fox’s ‘reopen the country’ rhetoric, Fox News offices will remain closed until mid-June
… While their minds will continue to remain closed even afterwards, as usual …


humortimes--2020-05-27--DNC Election Plan: Heard Inside a Bunker Beneath a D.C. Pizza Parlor

Exclusive Report !
This once-secret conversation was transcribed from a smuggled recording , and seems to reveal the DNC election plan .
TOM PEREZ : Alright , people — I ’ ll get right to it… where are we with “ Project Bubble Wrap ” ?
Technician : Well , we have him wrapped as tightly as we can , so he can ’ t inappropriately touch anyone , but he still seems to be able to talk , so… TP : Goddammit !
We ’ ve only got a few months before the election !
We can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tries to reach out !
He told an LGBT fundraiser that , quote , “ If you people like musicals as much as I think you do , you won ’ t vote for the orange man !
” And then he winked !
It was creepy !
I think we have to activate… “ Protocol Cryo !
” Tech : ( terrified ) But… it ’ s never been tried !
We don ’ t know what will happen if — TP : I don ’ t care !
This party can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
Not on my watch !
ELIZABETH WARREN : Actually , I have a plan for — BERNIE SANDERS : If Joe is wrapped in plastic , I could gesture for him !
With my arms , like this !
( gestures ) And , you know , yell things at people !
TP : ( exasperated ) No , Bernie… we ’ ve discussed this .
Joe is gon na be the nominee .
We just have to find a way to keep him from talking until November 4th .
TP : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to cryogenically freeze Biden , leaving him in a state of suspended animation until Election Day .
Any questions ?
PETE BUTTIGIEG : Do I still get to be Secretary of Defense ?
Because South Bend Indiana is REALLY boring.You know , I actually served in Afghanistan — TP : We know , Pete .
And you ’ re gay .
We know .
When we wake Joe , you can ask him .
HC : I shall be your nominee !
It is my birthright , and I shall claim the throne @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
TP : A little .
Look , Hill , you lost to Trump four years ago — as much as I ’ m sure we all agree ( looks around room for agreement ) that you are ‘ entitled ’ to the job , a lot of people don ’ t… like you .
HC : THEY WILL RUE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS !
INFIDELS !
( HC suddenly vanishes into a puff of smoke . )
TP : Well , that was awkward .
Anyway , is… Biden here ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the procedure .
JOE BIDEN : ( BIDEN is wheeled into room , sheathed in bubble wrap ) Yer darned tootin ’ I ’ m here , just like I was here in 2008 when an articulate black fella named Barack Obama made me his vice-president !
Bet ya didn ’ t know that , did ya ?
TP : Yeah , we will… be sure to mention that during the campaign .
Now , you do know what this procedure means , right ?
JB : Albso-tootly-ootly !
It ’ s like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to me , fella by the name of , well , we called him ‘ Chicken Neck ’ when we used to play Uno together down at the rail yards .
This was before I was Barack Obama ’ s vice president and before all that internet nonsense , and I just want you to know that I never meant to say anything that offended anybody , and I look forward to serving as your next Secretary of Trains !
TP : O…K .
Well , let ’ s put him under .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to work out… we ’ re not quite sure about the debate format , since we don ’ t want our candidate to actually say anything .
For now , the plan is to just run a Chiron at the bottom of the screen during the debates , and every time the camera cuts to Joe we ’ re just going to have it say “ vice president under Barack Obama.
” Except the “ vice president ” part will be in really tiny letters .
Now , do we all remember what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ side attacks ?
Anyone ?
WOMAN IN BACK : He may be an old sexual predator , but at least he ’ s not your guy ?
TP : No… We can ’ t exactly put that on a lawn sign , now can we ?
Come on , people… We ’ ve been over this !
What ’ s our slogan for 2020 ?
GUY IN BACK : ( timidly ) A little bit better than Trump ?
TP : That ’ s it !
Now let me hear everybody — A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP !
( Everyone in room joins in chant ) A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP !
A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP !
BETTER THAN TRUMP !
TP : We got this .
The election ’ s in the bag .
( Off-screen narration by MORGAN FREEMAN ) But they did not , in fact , have this , and the election was not , in fact , “ in the bag .
”

Exclusive Report! This once-secret conversation was transcribed from a smuggled recording, and seems to reveal the DNC election plan.
By Michael Dane
TOM PEREZ: Alright, people — I’ll get right to it… where are we with “Project Bubble Wrap”?
Technician: Well, we have him wrapped as tightly as we can, so he can’t inappropriately touch anyone, but he still seems to be able to talk, so…
TP: Goddammit! We’ve only got a few months before the election! We can’t keep risking a gaffe every time he tries to reach out! He told an LGBT fundraiser that, quote, “If you people like musicals as much as I think you do, you won’t vote for the orange man!” And then he winked! It was creepy! I think we have to activate… “Protocol Cryo!”
Tech: (terrified) But… it’s never been tried! We don’t know what will happen if —
TP: I don’t care! This party cannot lose to that creamicle-colored ignoramus again! Not on my watch!
ELIZABETH WARREN: Actually, I have a plan for —
TP: Not now, Liz.
BERNIE SANDERS: If Joe is wrapped in plastic, I could gesture for him! With my arms, like this! (gestures) And, you know, yell things at people!
TP: (exasperated) No, Bernie… we’ve discussed this. Joe is gonna be the nominee. We just have to find a way to keep him from talking until November 4th.
BS: One percent!
(SANDERS is forcibly removed from the room)
TP: So, the DNC election plan is to cryogenically freeze Biden, leaving him in a state of suspended animation until Election Day. Any questions?
PETE BUTTIGIEG: Do I still get to be Secretary of Defense? Because South Bend Indiana is REALLY boring.You know, I actually served in Afghanistan —
TP: We know, Pete. And you’re gay. We know. When we wake Joe, you can ask him.
PB: Cool.
(Suddenly, HILLARY CLINTON mysteriously appears in a puff of smoke.)
HC: I shall be your nominee! It is my birthright, and I shall claim the throne! (to TP) Too much?
TP: A little. Look, Hill, you lost to Trump four years ago — as much as I’m sure we all agree (looks around room for agreement) that you are ‘entitled’ to the job, a lot of people don’t… like you.
HC: THEY WILL RUE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS! INFIDELS! (HC suddenly vanishes into a puff of smoke.)
TP: Well, that was awkward. Anyway, is… Biden here? We need to get him prepped for the procedure.
JOE BIDEN: (BIDEN is wheeled into room, sheathed in bubble wrap) Yer darned tootin’ I’m here, just like I was here in 2008 when an articulate black fella named Barack Obama made me his vice-president! Bet ya didn’t know that, did ya?
TP: Yeah, we will… be sure to mention that during the campaign. Now, you do know what this procedure means, right?
JB: Albso-tootly-ootly! It’s like this friend of mine used to say to me, fella by the name of, well, we called him ‘Chicken Neck’ when we used to play Uno together down at the rail yards. This was before I was Barack Obama’s vice president and before all that internet nonsense, and I just want you to know that I never meant to say anything that offended anybody, and I look forward to serving as your next Secretary of Trains!
TP: O…K. Well, let’s put him under.
Now, we still have some things to work out… we’re not quite sure about the debate format, since we don’t want our candidate to actually say anything.
For now, the plan is to just run a Chiron at the bottom of the screen during the debates, and every time the camera cuts to Joe we’re just going to have it say “vice president under Barack Obama.” Except the “vice president” part will be in really tiny letters.
Now, do we all remember what you say when someone on the other side attacks? Anyone?
WOMAN IN BACK: He may be an old sexual predator, but at least he’s not your guy?
TP: No… We can’t exactly put that on a lawn sign, now can we? Come on, people… We’ve been over this! What’s our slogan for 2020?
GUY IN BACK: (timidly) A little bit better than Trump?
TP: That’s it! Now let me hear everybody — A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP!
(Everyone in room joins in chant) A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN TRUMP! BETTER THAN TRUMP!
TP: We got this. The election’s in the bag.
(Off-screen narration by MORGAN FREEMAN) But they did not, in fact, have this, and the election was not, in fact, “in the bag.”