humortimes--2020-07-01--All the News That’s Unfit to Print

All the News That’s Unfit to Print

After presidential hopeful Joe Biden announced that he would be selecting a woman to be his running mate , President Trump said that he would love to tap a woman to run with him as he loves to tap women .
But the idea was dropped after his advisors explained that , rather than run with him , most women want to run from him .
Then the president stunned reporters by revealing that he had decided to ask Kim Jong-Un to be his running mate .
Trump explained that he was bored with Mike Pence ( as is the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he had insulted every other adult in America , he had to look overseas .
Mr. Trump was quick to point out that Kim was a smart cookie and that they had fallen in love after exchanging beautiful letters .
Trump followed up by remarking “ and you just have to love his chubby cheeks.
” A senior campaign advisor later noted that having the portly North Korean tyrant with the funny hair on the ticket would take the focus away from Trump ’ s weight and hair style .
He also declared @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Trump would no longer be the craziest man in Washington .
The president admitted that he hadn ’ t looked at the constitutionality of putting the North Korean dictator on the ticket , nor had he even read the Constitution , but he was quite confident that it wouldn ’ t be a problem .
Kim ’ s response to the offer was “ Death to America.
” European Council President , Charles Michel announced today that he was calling for a total and complete shutdown of Americans entering the E.U .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ control .
“ When America sends its people ” he said , “ they ’ re not sending us their healthiest .
They ’ re bringing disease .
They ’ re bringing the virus .
And some I assume are good people who wear masks and practice social distancing.
” President Michel continued by saying that he “ has a great relationship with Americans as you probably have heard .
They like me and I like them.
” He then warned that he was going to build a great , great wall along @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would make America pay for it .
According to the Government Accountability Office , The U.S. Treasury sent more than one million coronavirus stimulus payments totaling $ 1.4 billion to dead people ( that ’ s actually true ) .
Although , at first , it appeared to be an error , the president explained that it was no mistake .
He had ordered the checks sent to the deceased noting that , “ since they couldn ’ t take any with them when they died , they would appreciate getting the stimulus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hide the fact that the move was politically motivated .
He noted that there are nearly two million dead people that are still registered to vote and many of them do vote , especially in Chicago .
The president said that the dead are a demographic that he will do very well with in November stating “ I have a great relationship with the dead .
Some of my best friends are dead.
” Trump later acknowledged that for these people , getting to the polls would be a challenge but we ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were furious and demanded that the checks be returned , but a lawyer for the departed said that they didn ’ t plan on returning the checks and if the Democrats wanted to get them back they would have to ( you know what ’ s coming ) pry the checks from their cold dead hands .
Upon hearing the news , the Zombie Defamation League , filed a lawsuit in Federal court claiming that Zombies were being unfairly discriminated against .
The League insisted that It was unfair for the living and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but not the undead .
Although these stories are fake news , you must admit that they really aren ’ t any crazier than the real news these days .

(‘Unfit to print’ because it’s actually fake news.)
President Trump’s Surprise VP Pick
After presidential hopeful Joe Biden announced that he would be selecting a woman to be his running mate, President Trump said that he would love to tap a woman to run with him as he loves to tap women. But the idea was dropped after his advisors explained that, rather than run with him, most women want to run from him.
Then the president stunned reporters by revealing that he had decided to ask Kim Jong-Un to be his running mate. Trump explained that he was bored with Mike Pence (as is the rest of America) and, since he had insulted every other adult in America, he had to look overseas. Mr. Trump was quick to point out that Kim was a smart cookie and that they had fallen in love after exchanging beautiful letters. Trump followed up by remarking “and you just have to love his chubby cheeks.”
A senior campaign advisor later noted that having the portly North Korean tyrant with the funny hair on the ticket would take the focus away from Trump’s weight and hair style. He also declared that, with Kim as Vice President, Trump would no longer be the craziest man in Washington. The president admitted that he hadn’t looked at the constitutionality of putting the North Korean dictator on the ticket, nor had he even read the Constitution, but he was quite confident that it wouldn’t be a problem.
Kim’s response to the offer was “Death to America.”
E.U. Bans Americans
European Council President, Charles Michel announced today that he was calling for a total and complete shutdown of Americans entering the E.U. until the U.S. gets the coronavirus under control. “When America sends its people” he said, “they’re not sending us their healthiest. They’re bringing disease. They’re bringing the virus. And some I assume are good people who wear masks and practice social distancing.”
President Michel continued by saying that he “has a great relationship with Americans as you probably have heard. They like me and I like them.” He then warned that he was going to build a great, great wall along the E.U. border and that he would make America pay for it.
Stimulus for the Dead
According to the Government Accountability Office, The U.S. Treasury sent more than one million coronavirus stimulus payments totaling $1.4 billion to dead people (that’s actually true). Although, at first, it appeared to be an error, the president explained that it was no mistake. He had ordered the checks sent to the deceased noting that, “since they couldn’t take any with them when they died, they would appreciate getting the stimulus money now.” Trump didn’t hide the fact that the move was politically motivated. He noted that there are nearly two million dead people that are still registered to vote and many of them do vote, especially in Chicago. The president said that the dead are a demographic that he will do very well with in November stating “I have a great relationship with the dead. Some of my best friends are dead.” Trump later acknowledged that for these people, getting to the polls would be a challenge but we’ll see what happens.
Democratic leaders were furious and demanded that the checks be returned, but a lawyer for the departed said that they didn’t plan on returning the checks and if the Democrats wanted to get them back they would have to (you know what’s coming) pry the checks from their cold dead hands.
Upon hearing the news, the Zombie Defamation League, filed a lawsuit in Federal court claiming that Zombies were being unfairly discriminated against. The League insisted that It was unfair for the living and the dead to receive the stimulus money but not the undead.
Although these stories are fake news, you must admit that they really aren’t any crazier than the real news these days.


humortimes--2020-07-01--Ending It All: Bunker Election Night Blues

Unlike other infamous couples in history sealing their fate by ending it all – this twosome left a transcript !
Being that ending it all is an option , Donald & Melania Trump clutch their capsules , say their goodbyes & wait for the Presidential Election results .
Here , take this when I tell you .
Why do you have two ?
I ’ m in better health & one might not do it !
And , they say Slovanians don ’ t have a sense of humor !
Let me in !
Are you sure Eva Braun started @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bigger tramp than you .
Stop – you know that turns me on !
One for the road ?
No , I told you pebbles really hurt !
Then how about a… Nope – my Pre-Nup says I don ’ t have to .
Aw…thought you would for old times sake .
‘ Old Times Sake ’ for me is BLT .
You know I can ’ t help it .
I know – but others aren ’ t waiting to get a windfall like me .
No .
This ‘ bunker thing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – I got legal problems .
I was a good president wasn ’ t I , darlin ’ ?
Of course .
Media should be hiding – not us .
While we have the chance – do you have anything to confess to me now ?
Yes , but this bunker is bugged & I don ’ t want to give Marilyn Sands the satisfaction !
Really ?
$ 130,000 multiplied by G-d knows how many insufferable times I laid there – by my calculations ; you ’ re in the arrears !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m done .
Well , you know I can ’ t swallow pills .
Damn – I should ’ ve gotten it in liquid form !
You can ’ t think of everything – call CVS .
Then , where did you get these ?

Unlike other infamous couples in history sealing their fate by ending it all – this twosome left a transcript!
Being that ending it all is an option, Donald & Melania Trump clutch their capsules, say their goodbyes & wait for the Presidential Election results.
November 3, 2020 – The White House Bunker
DONALD TRUMP
Here, take this when I tell you.
MELANIA
Why do you have two?
DONALD
I’m in better health & one might not do it!
MELANIA
You first.
DONALD
And, they say Slovanians don’t have a sense of humor!
Banging on door.
MIKE PENCE
Let me in!
DONALD
Shh…ignore him.
MELANIA
Are you sure Eva Braun started this way?
DONALD
That woman was a bigger tramp than you.
MELANIA
Stop – you know that turns me on!
DONALD
One for the road?
MELANIA
No, I told you pebbles really hurt!
DONALD
Then how about a…
MELANIA
Nope – my Pre-Nup says I don’t have to.
DONALD
Aw…thought you would for old times sake.
MELANIA
‘Old Times Sake’ for me is BLT.
DONALD
Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato?
MELANIA
No. Before Lyin’ Trump!
DONALD
You know I can’t help it.
MELANIA
I know – but others aren’t waiting to get a windfall like me.
DONALD
About that ‘windfall’…
MELANIA
Did I miss small print?
TRUMP
No. This ‘bunker thing’ sorta cancels it out & two – I got legal problems. I was a good president wasn’t I, darlin’?
MELANIA
Of course. Media should be hiding – not us. While we have the chance – do you have anything to confess to me now?
DONALD
Yes, but this bunker is bugged & I don’t want to give Marilyn Sands the satisfaction!
MELANIA
Marilyn who?
DONALD
Exactly!
MELANIA
$130,000, Donald?
DONALD
You’d get more!
MELANIA
Really? $130,000 multiplied by G-d knows how many insufferable times I laid there – by my calculations; you’re in the arrears!
DONALD
Another Butt Shame – well, I’m done.
MELANIA
Well, you know I can’t swallow pills.
DONALD
Damn – I should’ve gotten it in liquid form!
MELANIA
You can’t think of everything – call CVS.
DONALD
Cyanide – are you crazy?
MELANIA
Then, where did you get these?
DONALD
Barr had extra!


humortimes--2020-07-01--SFMT Cancels 61st Season of Free Political Musical Theatre in the Parks – Plans Podcasts Instead

Due to COVID 19 , the political musical theatre troupe will be replacing live performances with “ Tales of the Resistance ” — a new 9-part series of radio play podcasts .
The Venerable San Francisco Mime Troupe ( SFMT ) , longtime producers of great political musical theatre , thought that the presidential election would be the main event of 2020 , but COVID-19 became an unprecedented global pandemic that change the entire world forever .
For the health and safety of both our audiences and SFMT members , a decision was made to cancel their traditional Summer musical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rather than going silent , the SFMT is enthused to share their unique style of theatrical performance in a different way , producing their first ever serialized radio play , Tales of the Resistance .
SFMT reminds you to stay safe , keep your mind and body active , and we look forward to being in the parks again soon !
The new 9-part series of radio play podcasts ( “ MimeCasts , ” as they like to call them ) will offer four different genres : Noir , Sci Fi , Horror @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sat .
July 4 through Oct. 24 , 2020 ( released bi-weekly ) .
July 4 – Jade , for Hire !
– “ The Mystery of the Missing Worker ” July 18 – Novice Nurse : Susie Terse – “ The Price of Infection ” Aug. 1 – Fear of the Dark – “ The Good Cop ” Aug. 15 – Dimension 2020 !
– “ It Came… From R & D !
” ( The rest of the shows , through Oct. 24 are to be announced . )
Can the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this Summer !
Each series will have 2 episodes , which cycle through the Summer 2020 , culminating in a finale where all 4 story lines converge .
In the spirit of its six-decade tradition , the SF Mime Troupe will be passing the virtual hat for these free radio play performances .
Audience members may listen to Tales of the Resistance free of charge or make a donation online to help cover the productions costs .
All shows are free to listen to with donations to SFMT gratefully accepted .
( Donations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 4 , 2020 will kick off with the Noir Detective series : Jade , for Hire !
Looking for work in a nation in the midst of a race and class war with itself can ’ t be easy in the episode “ The Mystery of the Missing Worker.
” Novice Nurse : Susie Terse , “ The Price of Infection.
” In Episode 1 can Nurse Susie find a way to deliver vital antiviral medicine while navigating a fending off the of Corporate America ?
Fear of the Dark is the horror @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Good Cop , ” in which MAGA hat wearing , right-wing immigrant Primo is tormented by his racist fears , and how – blinded by tear gas in a protest – he is haunted by his hate .
Dimension 2020 !
The last in the series is all Science Fiction with the first episode “ It Came…From R & D !
” Greg seemed to everyone like a mild-mannered software developer .
No one could predict that his invention could either save democracy , or lock the country into an endless cycle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ episode runs approximately 25 min and can be heard at https : //www.sfmt.org/talesoftheresistance .

Due to COVID 19, the political musical theatre troupe will be replacing live performances with “Tales of the Resistance” — a new 9-part series of radio play podcasts.
The Venerable San Francisco Mime Troupe (SFMT), longtime producers of great political musical theatre, thought that the presidential election would be the main event of 2020, but COVID-19 became an unprecedented global pandemic that change the entire world forever. For the health and safety of both their audiences and SFMT members, a decision was made to cancel their traditional Summer musical tour in the parks.
However, rather than going silent, the SFMT is enthused to share their unique style of theatrical performance in a different way, producing their first ever serialized radio play, Tales of the Resistance.
As SFMT says, “We remind you to stay safe, keep your mind and body active, and we look forward to being in the parks again soon!”
Mime on Radio???
The new 9-part series of radio play podcasts (“MimeCasts,” as they like to call them) will offer four different genres: Noir, Sci Fi, Horror and Adventure.
The podcasts will run Sat. July 4 through Oct. 24, 2020 (released bi-weekly).
Chronological listing (all shows on Sat.):
July 4 – Jade, for Hire! – “The Mystery of the Missing Worker” (available now)
July 18 – Novice Nurse: Susie Terse – “The Price of Infection”
Aug. 1 – Fear of the Dark – “The Good Cop”
Aug. 15 – Dimension 2020! – “It Came… From R&D!”
(The rest of the shows, through Oct. 24 are to be announced.)
Can the revolution be social distanced? Find out this Summer!
Each series will have 2 episodes, which cycle through the Summer 2020, culminating in a finale where all 4 story lines converge.
In the spirit of its six-decade tradition, the SF Mime Troupe will be passing the virtual hat for these free radio play performances. Audience members may listen to Tales of the Resistance free of charge or make a donation online to help cover the productions costs.
All shows are free to listen to with donations to SFMT gratefully accepted. (Donations accepted here.)
Episode Descriptions (so far):
Sat. July 4, 2020 will kick off with the Noir Detective series:
Jade, for Hire! Looking for work in a nation in the midst of a race and class war with itself can’t be easy in the episode “The Mystery of the Missing Worker.”
Novice Nurse: Susie Terse, “The Price of Infection.” In Episode 1 can Nurse Susie find a way to deliver vital antiviral medicine while navigating a fending off the of Corporate America?
Fear of the Dark is the horror series, and will start with “The Good Cop,” in which MAGA hat wearing, right-wing immigrant Primo is tormented by his racist fears, and how – blinded by tear gas in a protest – he is haunted by his hate.
Dimension 2020! The last in the series is all Science Fiction with the first episode “It Came…From R&D!” Greg seemed to everyone like a mild-mannered software developer. No one could predict that his invention could either save democracy, or lock the country into an endless cycle of tyranny and oppression.
Each podcast episode runs approximately 25 min and can be heard at https://www.sfmt.org/talesoftheresistance.


humortimes--2020-07-01--Criminal Denizen of the Planet Zardoc Confesses to Litany of Famous Earth Crimes

Many famous Earth crimes may now be solved via an inter-planetary confession !
Flumox838x8 , a living being denizen of the planet Zardoc has confessed to a litany of famous Earth Crimes .
The information comes from law enforcement entities on the Planet Zardoc and was communicated to the Slobovian Secret Service .
According to the communication , Flumox838x8x was recently arrested on Zardoc for the relatively simple Zardocian crime of “ Shaggin his auffers on public property.
” Once in custody , Flumox began telling authorities that over the past centuries he had snuck off Zardoc and landed on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Once he landed on Earth , he disguised himself as an Earth being .
Zardocian police said that parts of this story are not believable .
On Zardoc , Flumox stands 9 feet tall , has 3 eyes , 7 arms , 213 sex organs and no rectum .
He would be 745 Earth years old .
Assuming the guise of an earthling would be quite a feat .
Zardocians also emit an intoxicating odor that his is a cross between human feces and Chanel No .
5 .
Among the crimes that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cutting down a cherry tree belonging to George Washington .
In April of 1865 shooting Abraham Lincoln at Ford ’ s Theatre because Lincoln wouldn ’ t remove his hat during the performance .
In 1912 he sunk the Titanic because it interrupted his ice bath .
In the early 1930 ’ s he killed Bonnie and Clyde in a fit of road rage .
In August of 1962 he killed actress Marilyn Monroe .
According to Flumox , he was dating Miss Monroe disguised as actor Clark Gable when she discovered his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ called President John Kennedy and told him , so in November of 1963 he shot Kennedy .
In 1964 , he stated , he wrote the song “ Wild Thing.
” He also stated that over the years he ’ s killed Henry the Eighth , Pee Wee Herman and The Lone Ranger .
He said that last year he created the coronavirus just to watch Earthlings sneeze .
Zardocian authorities stated that they had attempted to contact law enforcement agencies around the Earth to convey this information .
The British told them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Donald Trump solicited a campaign contribution .
Flumox stated that he chose Earth because it is the only planet that practices murder .
“ There is no murder on Venus , Mars , Jupiter or on Mufuh , ” he stated .

Many famous Earth crimes may now be solved via an inter-planetary confession!
Part of the continuing series, "Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)"
Flumox838x8, a living being denizen of the planet Zardoc has confessed to a litany of famous Earth Crimes. The information comes from law enforcement entities on the Planet Zardoc and was communicated to the Slobovian Secret Service.
According to the communication, Flumox838x8x was recently arrested on Zardoc for the relatively simple Zardocian crime of “Shaggin his auffers on public property.” Once in custody, Flumox began telling authorities that over the past centuries he had snuck off Zardoc and landed on the planet Earth to commit crimes. Once he landed on Earth, he disguised himself as an Earth being.
Zardocian police said that parts of this story are not believable. On Zardoc, Flumox stands 9 feet tall, has 3 eyes, 7 arms, 213 sex organs and no rectum. He would be 745 Earth years old. Assuming the guise of an earthling would be quite a feat. Zardocians also emit an intoxicating odor that his is a cross between human feces and Chanel No. 5.
Among the crimes that Flumox confessed to are:
In 1745 cutting down a cherry tree belonging to George Washington.
In April of 1865 shooting Abraham Lincoln at Ford’s Theatre because Lincoln wouldn’t remove his hat during the performance.
In 1912 he sunk the Titanic because it interrupted his ice bath.
In the early 1930’s he killed Bonnie and Clyde in a fit of road rage.
In August of 1962 he killed actress Marilyn Monroe. According to Flumox, he was dating Miss Monroe disguised as actor Clark Gable when she discovered his true identity while having sex. She called President John Kennedy and told him, so in November of 1963 he shot Kennedy.
In 1964, he stated, he wrote the song “Wild Thing.”
He also stated that over the years he’s killed Henry the Eighth, Pee Wee Herman and The Lone Ranger. He said that last year he created the coronavirus just to watch Earthlings sneeze.
Zardocian authorities stated that they had attempted to contact law enforcement agencies around the Earth to convey this information. The British told them to call James Bond and US President Donald Trump solicited a campaign contribution.
Flumox stated that he chose Earth because it is the only planet that practices murder.
“There is no murder on Venus, Mars, Jupiter or on Mufuh,” he stated.


humortimes--2020-07-01--The GOP’s Grotesque Plan to Cope With COVID-19

Republicans want to “ cope with COVID-19 ” by talking away your health care .
Brilliant , right ?
Harking back to the embarrassing days of Gov .
Rick “ Oops ” Perry , my state of Texas is once again saddled with a Republican gubernatorial goober .
Greg Abbott is this guy ’ s name , and he ’ s another incompetent right-wing ideologue whose botched handling of our state ’ s attempts to cope with COVID-19 make President Donald Trump look like a master administrator of public health .
Unfortunately for you non-Texans , Gov .
Abbott ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our borders to afflict people in your state .
Before we go there , though , ponder his slapstick performance here , where he ’ s been swatting futilely at the fast-moving coronavirus .
First , as a small-minded , small-government zealot , he obsequiously followed Trump ’ s lead of do-nothingism , pretending the bad thing would just drift away .
As a result , droves of Texans were dying , so he rushed out to express astonishment and concern .
Yet , he cravenly refused to offend his corporate and far-right @ @ @ @ @ @ @ business closures , masks required in public and stay-at-home orders .
Worse , the petty , little potentate infuriated local officials by banning them from taking protective actions in their communities .
Bizarrely , Abbott declared he was focused not on preventing infections but on making sure there were enough hospital beds for those who get infected .
He might as well have bragged that providing an adequate number of graves was his priority .
For sure , enough thousands more Texans were soon dying because of his incompetence .
Finally , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to enact a stay-at-home mandate to cope with COVID-19… but he even bungled that by declaring it was not a stay-at-home order !
Instead , he called its provisions “ Essential Services and Activities Protocols.
” Then he got really strange .
After banning local officials from requiring mask wearing in public , he playfully hinted that he ’ d hidden a trick door in that executive order allowing locals to take action — IF they could divine the riddle .
The trick was that while mayors and others could not require face @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stores , bars offices , factories and other businesses to require masks .
Isn ’ t that fun ?
!
Playing pandemic word games with people ’ s lives .
Critics who say Republican leaders have no sense of humor haven ’ t met Greg Abbott .
Six months into the COVID-19 pandemic , the disease is presently raging anew in the South and southwest ; in rural counties ; and among young people who previously felt immune .
Despite wishful thinking by corporate-serving public officials , their rush to “ open the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , deaths , and loss of both jobs and health care among workaday families .
So , gosh , what to do now ?
Of course !
Let ’ s take away the health care coverage of some 23 million Americans !
Backed by Trump & Co. , that ’ s the brilliant health care priority being pushed by top Republican officials in 18 states .
Led by the mingy Abbott , these GOP-controlled states have chosen in our time of national health crisis to file Texas v. United States , pleading with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Affordable Care Act , known as Obamacare .
If they get their way , insurance giants ( which are major campaign donors to Abbott and other GOP officials who ’ re pushing the court action ) would again be able to gouge customers , boot young people from their parents ’ coverage and refuse to cover people with preexisting conditions .
It ’ s perverse that any other governor would follow Abbott ’ s lead , for he presides over a health care disaster .
Texas has the highest number of uninsured people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ children ) , and his government allows insurance monopolists to engage in such rip-offs as charging higher premiums to women and selling policies that don ’ t cover such basics as childbirth .
Killing Obamacare would add another million Texans to the 18 % who ’ re already uncovered .
Plus , it would not be there for some 3 million other Texans expected to lose their job-based insurance policies during the growing pandemic recession .
That ’ s the health care vision the Texas governor is now trying to force on every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a policy of what ’ s been called “ moral insanity , ” so , naturally , Trump rushed to embrace it !
However , this intentionally cruel right-wing political maneuver is so unpopular — especially today — that there was no trumpeting of the legal filing by the White House to strike Obamacare .
Instead , it was tiptoed over to the court at 10:30 on a Thursday night — with the hopes you and I wouldn ’ t notice .

Republicans want to “cope with COVID-19” by talking away your health care. Brilliant, right?
Harking back to the embarrassing days of Gov. Rick “Oops” Perry, my state of Texas is once again saddled with a Republican gubernatorial goober. Greg Abbott is this guy’s name, and he’s another incompetent right-wing ideologue whose botched handling of our state’s attempts to cope with COVID-19 make President Donald Trump look like a master administrator of public health.
Unfortunately for you non-Texans, Gov. Abbott’s extreme gooberness is now surging across our borders to afflict people in your state. Before we go there, though, ponder his slapstick performance here, where he’s been swatting futilely at the fast-moving coronavirus.
First, as a small-minded, small-government zealot, he obsequiously followed Trump’s lead of do-nothingism, pretending the bad thing would just drift away. As a result, droves of Texans were dying, so he rushed out to express astonishment and concern. Yet, he cravenly refused to offend his corporate and far-right backers by implementing such life-saving measures as business closures, masks required in public and stay-at-home orders. Worse, the petty, little potentate infuriated local officials by banning them from taking protective actions in their communities.
Bizarrely, Abbott declared he was focused not on preventing infections but on making sure there were enough hospital beds for those who get infected. He might as well have bragged that providing an adequate number of graves was his priority. For sure, enough thousands more Texans were soon dying because of his incompetence.
Finally, the relentless death toll forced Abbott the Absent to enact a stay-at-home mandate to cope with COVID-19… but he even bungled that by declaring it was not a stay-at-home order! Instead, he called its provisions “Essential Services and Activities Protocols.”
Then he got really strange. After banning local officials from requiring mask wearing in public, he playfully hinted that he’d hidden a trick door in that executive order allowing locals to take action — IF they could divine the riddle. The trick was that while mayors and others could not require face masks in public, they could require stores, bars offices, factories and other businesses to require masks.
Isn’t that fun?! Playing pandemic word games with people’s lives. Critics who say Republican leaders have no sense of humor haven’t met Greg Abbott.
Six months into the COVID-19 pandemic, the disease is presently raging anew in the South and southwest; in rural counties; and among young people who previously felt immune. Despite wishful thinking by corporate-serving public officials, their rush to “open the economy” has led to more infections, deaths, and loss of both jobs and health care among workaday families.
So, gosh, what to do now? Of course! Let’s take away the health care coverage of some 23 million Americans!
Backed by Trump & Co., that’s the brilliant health care priority being pushed by top Republican officials in 18 states. Led by the mingy Abbott, these GOP-controlled states have chosen in our time of national health crisis to file Texas v. United States, pleading with the Supreme Court to strike down the Affordable Care Act, known as Obamacare. If they get their way, insurance giants (which are major campaign donors to Abbott and other GOP officials who’re pushing the court action) would again be able to gouge customers, boot young people from their parents’ coverage and refuse to cover people with preexisting conditions.
It’s perverse that any other governor would follow Abbott’s lead, for he presides over a health care disaster. Texas has the highest number of uninsured people (including a record number of unprotected children), and his government allows insurance monopolists to engage in such rip-offs as charging higher premiums to women and selling policies that don’t cover such basics as childbirth. Killing Obamacare would add another million Texans to the 18% who’re already uncovered. Plus, it would not be there for some 3 million other Texans expected to lose their job-based insurance policies during the growing pandemic recession.
That’s the health care vision the Texas governor is now trying to force on every state with his lawsuit. It is a policy of what’s been called “moral insanity,” so, naturally, Trump rushed to embrace it!
However, this intentionally cruel right-wing political maneuver is so unpopular — especially today — that there was no trumpeting of the legal filing by the White House to strike Obamacare. Instead, it was tiptoed over to the court at 10:30 on a Thursday night — with the hopes you and I wouldn’t notice.


humortimes--2020-07-04--Trump Reportedly ‘Inspecting Bunker’ after Iranian Murder Warrant Issued

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
The feared Slobovian Secret Service is set to execute a recently-issued Iranian murder warrant .
Iranian government officials and law enforcement entities have enlisted the left arm of The Slobovian Secret Service ( licensed to Schitte ) to arrest United States President Donald Trump on a recently-issued Iranian murder warrant .
Iran claims that Trump issued the orders to kill a legendary Iranian terrorist and high ranking General .
Iran first approached such international law enforcement agencies as Interpol @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Barney Fife about executing the warrant , but all declined .
The Slobovian Secret Service operation will be headed by legendary agent Dr. Schitta Nofinger .
While not giving any specific details , Dr. Nofinger said that in order to access Mr. Trump she would look at the following options : • Disguising herself as Joe Biden and challenging Mr. Trump to a debate .
• Disguising herself as a KFC delivery boy and arresting Mr. Trump as he munched .
• Disguising herself as Kim Jong-Un and challenging Mr. Trump to a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump and arresting him during his post-sex nap .
• Executing a “ No Schitte ” warrant… blowing up Washington D.C. and sorting out the ashes .
Dr. Nofinger stated that she expects to have Mr. Trump in custody before the November U.S. elections .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
The feared Slobovian Secret Service is set to execute a recently-issued Iranian murder warrant.
Part of the continuing series, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network).
Iranian government officials and law enforcement entities have enlisted the left arm of The Slobovian Secret Service (licensed to Schitte) to arrest United States President Donald Trump on a recently-issued Iranian murder warrant.
Iran claims that Trump issued the orders to kill a legendary Iranian terrorist and high ranking General. Iran first approached such international law enforcement agencies as Interpol, Smersh, The Texas Rangers and Barney Fife about executing the warrant, but all declined.
The Slobovian Secret Service operation will be headed by legendary agent Dr. Schitta Nofinger.
While not giving any specific details, Dr. Nofinger said that in order to access Mr. Trump she would look at the following options:
Disguising herself as Joe Biden and challenging Mr. Trump to a debate.
Disguising herself as a KFC delivery boy and arresting Mr. Trump as he munched.
Disguising herself as Kim Jong-Un and challenging Mr. Trump to a game of ping-pong.
Seducing Mr. Trump and arresting him during his post-sex nap.
Executing a “No Schitte” warrant… blowing up Washington D.C. and sorting out the ashes.
Dr. Nofinger stated that she expects to have Mr. Trump in custody before the November U.S. elections.


humortimes--2020-07-04--The Last Great Adventure Strip: ‘Modesty Blaise and Peter O’Donnell’

Funnies Farrago examines “ Modesty Blaise and Peter O ’ Donnell ” – the last great adventure comic strip !
He calls her “ Princess , ” and that , it turns out , is the consummate expression , for him , of their relationship .
She calls him “ Willie love , ” but that , for American readers , is misleading : they aren ’ t lovers .
For readers in their native Britain , however , “ love ” here represents not fevered ardor but a kind of familial affection , and that is an almost complete @ @ @ @ @ @ @ relationship .
To me , Modesty Blaise and Willie Garvin are a literary pair that ranks with Damon and Phintias .
Or Roland and Oliver .
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson .
Don Quixote and Sancho Panza .
But Modesty and Willie are a greater literary achievement than these more celebrated duos : they are more fully rounded , more human .
Their personalities have depth and nuance .
They live .
For a potboiler pair , that ’ s a notable feat .
Peter O ’ Donnell concocted Modesty and Willie as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cloak and dagger intrigue for a London newspaper .
The strip , Modesty Blaise , followed the clandestine adventures of the voluptuous and superbly athletic Modesty , a retired and fabulously wealthy erstwhile leader of an international crime network who now devoted her considerable talents for lethal undercover work to helping the British secret service , which she did with the able assistance of her comrade in arms , Willie Garvin .
Modesty and Willie were also incarnated in 13 novels and two collections of short stories where their personalities were more fully @ @ @ @ @ @ @ On April 11 , 2001 , the comic strip ended after almost 38 years , 10,183 individual daily strips .
And O ’ Donnell had said , with the publication of the book The Cobra Trap in 1996 , that he would write no more novels about Modesty Blaise .
But that is scarcely the end of Modesty and Willie .
Like any other literary creations , they will live on in the works that gave them life .
The novels are still on shelves in bookstores , waiting to be purchased and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the strip in December 2005 with issue No .
188 .
( Subscriptions are $ 59 for 12 monthly issues from Manuscript Press , P.O .
Box 336 , Mountain Home , TN 37684 . )
I first heard of Modesty Blaise in the mid-1960s , right about the time the movie starring Monica Vitti appeared , I suppose , which would make it 1966 .
By all accounts from Modesty fans , it was a terrible movie .
O ’ Donnell said it gave him a nose bleed .
Vitti , a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a blonde in the movie ; Modesty has dark hair .
And there was ample other silliness .
Leonard Maltin ’ s Movie and Video Guide says this about it : “ Director Joseph Losey ate watermelon , pickles , and ice cream , went to sleep , woke up , and made this adaptation of the comic strip about a sexy female spy.
” From the ballyhoo about the movie , I concluded that Modesty Blaise was a female James Bond .
And when , subsequently , I heard about the comic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I heard , that its main attraction was that Modesty was often nude .
Like another notorious British comic strip , Jane .
In both of these notions , I was mistaken .
The movie makers may have sought to capitalize on the popularity of the Sean Connery flicks by claiming Modesty was a female version of Ian Fleming ’ s 007 .
But Modesty Blaise is a much more complex and fascinating character than James Bond ever was .
As for the charge of nakedness—overwrought .
Modesty sometimes strips to bra and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a dangerous situation while attired in ordinary street clothes .
But that doesn ’ t happen often .
Usually , she goes into action deliberately , seeking out some dastardly villain she ’ s been alerted to .
And for such forays , she dons a black jump suit that covers her from head to toe .
No , the attraction—what holds me enthralled still—about Modesty Blaise is neither nudity nor Bonded gender change .
Instead , it is the ingenuity of O ’ Donnell ’ s plots—their inventiveness , their twists , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ suspends his readers—the intelligence of his stories and their devices , the novelty of his characterizations , and the transcendence of the partnership between Modesty and Willie , their romance without romance .
I own all the novels , but I haven ’ t read them all .
I have deliberately put off reading the last couple that I bought because I know that after I read them , there will be no more freshly minted Modesty novels to read .
I ’ ll have exhausted this rich vein of adventure stories .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ moment as long as I can .
Perverse of me , I know .
But love is about longing as well as consummation .
But enough about me .
Let ’ s talk about Modesty and her history as derived , chiefly , from the novels .
By the time all of the stories about Modesty Blaise begin , she has been retired for some time from her previous occupation as the head of an international criminal organization known as the Network .
The Network specialized in theft .
Modesty , who was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of World War II and survived a hard-scrabble hand-to-mouth existence through the sheer ferocity of her determination , refused to deal in vice or drugs : she loathed human degradation and those who dealt in it .
When Modesty first saw Willie Garvin , he was a gutter-bred bitter self-hating rough-neck hoodlum .
But she saw in him not only prodigious physical abilities but impressive mental prowess and , presumably , a kind of innate stalwartness .
She rescued him from his thug ’ s lowlife and gave him the opportunity to make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ months , a new Willie Garvin emerged—a man of cheerful confidence and sharp intelligence with all his former criminal skills enhanced by his knowledge that someone believed in him—Modesty .
On the day they met , when Modesty bought him out of jail , she seemed a “ Princess ” to Willie ; and he has called her “ Princess ” ever since .
Through the six years they worked together in the Network , “ they schemed , fought , bled , tended each other ’ s hurts , ” and , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ single personality , so attuned that each knew what the other was thinking and would do under any circumstance .
And then , having piled up a small fortune apiece , they retired .
Modesty split up the Network among her lieutenants and bought a penthouse in London ; Willie took possession of an old-world pub by the River Thames .
But they were not content with their new humdrum existence , and so when Sir Gerald Tarrant of British Intelligence needed some unorthodox help in an enterprise that was , for him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Willie .
They helped Tarrant on that occasion and liked the work well enough to take other assignments as they cropped up .
And those comprise the Modesty Blaise oeuvre of Peter O ’ Donnell .
Until Modesty came along , most of O ’ Donnell ’ s writing was in comics .
He sold his first story in 1936 when he was sixteen to The Scout , one of many magazines manufactured in England for young readers .
He became a staff writer for the publisher of such magazines in 1937 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and humorous “ picture stories ” ( comics ) .
His career was interrupted for six years by World War II , in which he served as a radio operator .
Upon discharge in about 1945 , he became a book publisher for a few years and then , in 1951 , returned to freelance writing , producing many stories for the magazines of Amalgamated Press ( the forerunner of Fleetway Publications ) .
In 1953 , an Amalgamated editor recommended O ’ Donnell as a substitute writer for a newspaper comic strip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that , he was invited to take over writing Garth , a science fantasy strip that had slipped in popularity .
O ’ Donnell revived it , and soon after starting on it , he was also doing Tug Transom , a strip about the skipper of a tramp steamer and his crew .
During the 1950s , he also wrote a couple of other more humorous strips—For Better or Worse ( about a married couple , Jack and Jill ) and Eve ( another Jane , England ’ s notorious strip about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on camera frequently ) —and short stories for women ’ s magazines .
Then at the end of 1956 , the Daily Mirror lost the artist-writer of one of its most popular strips , Romeo Brown .
In England , newspaper strips are produced for individual newspapers , not syndicates ; popular strips may be circulated to “ provincial papers ” by the London papers that own them , but not always .
Many strips appear only in their “ home ” newspapers where they were born .
I don ’ t know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Daily Mirror , but when the Daily Sketch lured Alfred Mazure ( “ Maz ” ) away , the Mirror needed someone to write Romeo Brown and someone to draw it .
O ’ Donnell was invited to write it , and to draw it , the Mirror hired the man O ’ Donnell would thereafter always refer to as “ the great Jim Holdaway , ” the artist who would , later , give Modesty Blaise her glamorous appearance .
Romeo Brown was a blundering comical detective out of P.G .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ main idea , ” O ’ Donnell said , “ was to get girls ’ clothes off in the nicest possible way.
” Later , O ’ Donnell learned that Holdaway was plunged into despair when he found out what Romeo Brown was about .
“ He went home and said to his wife , ‘ I can ’ t do this—I can ’ t draw girls.
’ He had been drawing westerns for a long time and thought that he could draw only cowboys and horses !
” It soon developed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pretty girls very well .
Sexy , beautiful girls .
Well enough that when O ’ Donnell invented Modesty Blaise—a beautiful , sexy heroine—he wanted Holdaway to draw her .
Initially , the publishing newspaper tried another artist , but that individual “ totally misunderstood ” the character .
“ It was a disaster , ” O ’ Donnell said .
He promptly recommended Holdaway , and Modesty was , forthwith , given visual life .
Modesty Blaise began in the London Evening Standard on May 13 , 1963 , but O ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the back corridors of his imagination for many months prior to that .
After a decade of producing stories for he-men like Garth and Tug Transom while also writing romantic fiction for female readers , O ’ Donnell had started thinking about combining the two somehow in “ a super woman who could have the kind of adventure the big , super male heroes had been having all this time—that was the beginning.
” In an interview with Nick Landeu in Comic Media ( March 1973 ) , O ’ Donnell explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You don ’ t consciously think about them very often .
But gradually the yeast seems to work , and a character emerges .
I would say that until you actually start to write the characters—to put dialogue in the mouth and to activate the strings of the [ puppet ] —they don ’ t come to life .
Not for me at any rate .
I can only get so far in thinking about a character , and then I ’ ve got to start working them out—writing pages and pages @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the blood flowing through the veins—and then they ’ ll begin to take on life for themselves and sometimes surprise me with what they say or do.
” In imagining such a “ super woman ” as Modesty , O ’ Donnell had to give her a background , a history , that would make her plausible .
“ I don ’ t think you could take a girl from behind a counter in a shop and turn her into a Modesty Blaise .
It had to be born in the blood and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , an incident from his army career .
As he has told it frequently , he was with a mobile radio detachment in northern Persia in 1942 , eating his dinner out of a mess kit beside a small stream when “ this child suddenly appeared .
She was alone , she was barefoot , she wore a rag of a dress , she had all her belongings tied up in a blanket on her head , and she had a cord around her neck with something hanging on it .
She sat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the other side of the stream , and started gnawing on something she removed from her bundle.
” O ’ Donnell and his comrades offered the girl food , and she finally took some , warily .
O ’ Donnell saw that the object on the cord around her neck was a piece of wood with a long nail lashed to it— “ a weapon , which she obviously needed.
” O ’ Donnell “ surmised that she was a refugee from somewhere in the Balkans , and she had been on her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unfazed , she was her own person , this little kid , ” and after eating from the mess kit she ’ d been given , she washed the utensils in the stream , using sand to scour them .
“ She stood there for a few seconds , ” he continued , “ and then she gave us a smile , and you could have lit up a small village with that smile , and then she said something and walked off into the desert , going south , and she was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ little princess .
I never forgot that child .
And when I wanted a background for Modesty Blaise , I knew that child was the story.
” But Modesty is an extremely knowledgeable and sophisticated woman of the world , and for that aspect of her character , O ’ Donnell put the refugee girl in the company of an old man , a Hungarian professor , whom the girl protected .
And he educated her .
After he died , Modesty was 16 or 17 , and she heard about a casino @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
There , presumably , she acquired some social polish and learned much about the shadowy underworld , and when her boss was killed , she took over his operation , eventually forming the Network .
“ Once Modesty had fully emerged , ” O ’ Donnell said , “ the totality of Willie Garvin followed thirty seconds later .
He is an essential part of her.
” It remained only to give his heroine a name .
In a 1996 letter to Bill Wottlin , O ’ Donnell rehearsed the story of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ name Modesty Blaise emerged for me long after devising the character .
I was looking for a dramatic name but nothing appealed .
Then one day I was typing a script for Garth when I mis-typed the adverb ‘ modestly ’ and it came out ‘ modesty.
’ That ’ s when it hit me that this would be the ideal antithetic forename for her .
“ At the time , ” he continued , “ I was reading a book by C.S .
Lewis .
It was called That Hideous Strength and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ days of the Arthurian legend .
It was here that I learnt that Merlin ’ s tutor was a magician called Blaise .
This was a monosyllable ( as required for cadence ) , and it also had a fiery ring to it .
So she became Modesty Blaise.
” The Modesty Blaise novels began with the Losey movie .
Initially , the idea was to promote the movie , and O ’ Donnell simply adapted the screenplay he ’ d written .
But the final screenplay was re-written several times , leaving @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s script ; so the first novel , Modesty Blaise ( 1965 ) , is no longer anything like the film .
O ’ Donnell found more satisfaction in writing the novels .
In writing the strip , he produced crudely drawn thumbnails of the panels so he would know how much space the words were taking—and , conversely , that sufficient room remained for the artwork .
But the novels were solo performances with the writer in complete control .
Moreover , in a novel “ there ’ s elbow room @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to say what ’ s going on inside your characters.
” The novels also more fully explain the relationship between Modesty and Willie , supplying an answer to the question O ’ Donnell has been plagued with more than any other .
From the novel Sabre-tooth : “ Modesty … by some strange magic had stripped away the veneer and liberated Willie Garvin from the gnawing demons who rode on his back .
For this liberation , the new Willie Garvin had made himself—not her slave , for she would not allow that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And though she had raised him up to become her right arm , he still sat at her feet .
And there was no loss of masculinity in this… .
Willie Garvin was wholly convinced that sitting at Modesty ’ s feet set him head and shoulders above any man alive—even those few who had known the gifts of her splendid body.
” To suggest , as some did , that there was something sexual between them embarrassed Willie “ as a devout believer might be embarrassed by a friend ’ s unwitting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s a relationship women understand better than men.
” By 1973 , Modesty Blaise was published in 76 newspapers in 35 countries .
The strip appeared in the U.S. in 30-40 papers at the time the Losey movie ran .
All but the Detroit Free Press soon dropped it , saying the stories ran too long , 16-17 weeks .
U.S. papers wanted O ’ Donnell to cut back to 12 weeks , but he refused .
To do so , he said , would cut the meat out .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ no depth of character , no humor , none of the fleshing out and asides that , to my mind , are vital parts of the success of the Modesty Blaise/Willie Garvin setup.
” O ’ Donnell and Holdaway met once a week when the artist delivered the week ’ s worth of strips to the writer at his Fleet Street office .
O ’ Donnell would look over the strips , and if “ amendments ” were needed , Holdaway would make them .
And then they would deliver the completed batch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Writing later of these encounters , O ’ Donnell said he never knew quite what to expect on the day Holdaway was to appear .
“ Sometimes the door would open an inch , and a voice would order me to throw out my gun and come out with my hands up .
Sometimes he was the gas-meter man with a falsetto voice .
Sometimes his hat would be thrown in , and sometimes the first I knew of his arrival was when clouds of cigarette smoke would come wafting through my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ together , O ’ Donnell believed .
“ We enjoyed and respected each other ’ s contribution and worked together in the greatest harmony.
” Then in 1970 , in the midst of their 18th Modesty story together , the great Jim Holdaway died .
Struck down by a wholly unexpected heart attack at the youthful age of 43 .
Fifteen years after Holdaway ’ s death , O ’ Donnell would write : “ Jim Holdaway was a small man with a gentle manner , an immense talent , and a lovely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him.
” The Standard editors held try-outs for a replacement , and they and O ’ Donnell finally settled on a Spaniard , Enrique Badia-Romero .
Thereafter , the production of the strip was conducted mostly by mail , which made a detour at the Standard offices for O ’ Donnell ’ s scripts to be translated into Spanish .
Romero left Modesty in 1978 to concentrate on a strip of his own , Axa .
He returned in the fall of 1986 and continued to draw the strip for the rest of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Modesty was drawn briefly by John Burns , then Pat Wright , and , finally , Neville Colvin from late 1980 until Romero ’ s return , a total of 15 stories .
Colvin ’ s work seemed to O ’ Donnell to be closer to Holdaway ’ s than any of the other successors ; and I agree although he was closer at the beginning than at the end of his tour .
Colvin applied more feathering and fragile-line shading than the others , and his Modesty was more glamorous .
In @ @ @ @ @ @ @ began writing another series of novels—these , all under the name Madeleine Brent .
Nine altogether , they each feature a different female protagonist telling the story in the first person .
Set in the late Victorian era in England , part of each story takes place elsewhere—China , Australia , Afghanistan , Mexico .
Said O ’ Donnell : “ I think that people who like my Modesty books will like these as well .
They have the same kind of adventure in them.
” One of the novels , Merlin ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Romantic Novel of the Year Award from the Romantic Novelists ’ Association .
All 95 of the Modesty Blaise stories ( and the 12 back-story strips about Modesty ’ s refugee life ) have been reprinted in one place or another .
Titan Books in England published 23 stories in eight 9×11″ paperbacks which present the highest quality reprints , nearly pristine reproduction of every line no matter how fragile .
Ken Pierce of Illinois published another 21 stories ( only three of which duplicate Titan ’ s ) in eight 7″x10″ paperbacks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is virtually perfect but the strips are smaller than in the Titan volumes .
All of Holdaway ’ s work can be found in either Titan or Pierce .
The rest of the canon has been published by Comics Revue , sometimes in special Modesty Blaise issues that contain whole stories , sometimes serialized in the regular monthly magazine .
The quality of reproduction here , however , is very uneven—due , doubtless , to the source material , which , apparently , is not always printer ’ s proofs .
was one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and it is arguably the most literate adventure strip ever .
And the novels are better than the strip .
The books have an advantage over newspapers ’ serial mode : their emotional content is cumulative not diffused over intervening days and therefore builds toward greater impact .
In the last of the books , the short story collection The Cobra Trap , O ’ Donnell arranged the retirement of his dauntless pair .
They die .
They die gracefully , in battle , as befits such legendary soldiers of fortune .
O @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his usual finesse , easing Willie into the afterlife on the last page of the title story .
This tale takes place 20 years “ in the future , ” so Modesty and Willie are in their fifties .
In the final newspaper comic strip story , “ The Zombie , ” they are still in their thirties and have twenty more years of exploits before them .
At the end of the last strip adventure , Modesty announces that she is tired of villains and secret service work and wants to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll take a little break , Willie love , ” she says , “ just you and me.
” Says he : “ Best bit of all , Princess.
” And they sail off in a yacht .
The strip ended April 11 , 2001 .
It was O ’ Donnell ’ s 81st birthday .
He would die nine years later at the age of 90 .
He suffered from Parkinson ’ s in his later years .

Funnies Farrago examines “Modesty Blaise and Peter O’Donnell” – the last great adventure comic strip!
He calls her “Princess,” and that, it turns out, is the consummate expression, for him, of their relationship. She calls him “Willie love,” but that, for American readers, is misleading: they aren’t lovers. For readers in their native Britain, however, “love” here represents not fevered ardor but a kind of familial affection, and that is an almost complete description, to her, of their relationship.
To me, Modesty Blaise and Willie Garvin are a literary pair that ranks with Damon and Phintias. Or Roland and Oliver. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson. Don Quixote and Sancho Panza. But Modesty and Willie are a greater literary achievement than these more celebrated duos: they are more fully rounded, more human. Their personalities have depth and nuance. They live. For a potboiler pair, that’s a notable feat.
Peter O’Donnell concocted Modesty and Willie as characters in a comic strip of stylish cloak and dagger intrigue for a London newspaper. The strip, Modesty Blaise, followed the clandestine adventures of the voluptuous and superbly athletic Modesty, a retired and fabulously wealthy erstwhile leader of an international crime network who now devoted her considerable talents for lethal undercover work to helping the British secret service, which she did with the able assistance of her comrade in arms, Willie Garvin.
Modesty and Willie were also incarnated in 13 novels and two collections of short stories where their personalities were more fully fleshed out than in the strip. On April 11, 2001, the comic strip ended after almost 38 years, 10,183 individual daily strips. And O’Donnell had said, with the publication of the book The Cobra Trap in 1996, that he would write no more novels about Modesty Blaise. But that is scarcely the end of Modesty and Willie.
Like any other literary creations, they will live on in the works that gave them life. The novels are still on shelves in bookstores, waiting to be purchased and read. And Comics Revue started re-running the strip in December 2005 with issue No. 188. (Subscriptions are $59 for 12 monthly issues from Manuscript Press, P.O. Box 336, Mountain Home, TN 37684.)
I first heard of Modesty Blaise in the mid-1960s, right about the time the movie starring Monica Vitti appeared, I suppose, which would make it 1966. By all accounts from Modesty fans, it was a terrible movie. O’Donnell said it gave him a nose bleed. Vitti, a blonde Italian actress, insisted upon remaining a blonde in the movie; Modesty has dark hair. And there was ample other silliness. Leonard Maltin’s Movie and Video Guide says this about it: “Director Joseph Losey ate watermelon, pickles, and ice cream, went to sleep, woke up, and made this adaptation of the comic strip about a sexy female spy.”
From the ballyhoo about the movie, I concluded that Modesty Blaise was a female James Bond. And when, subsequently, I heard about the comic strip, I assumed, from what I heard, that its main attraction was that Modesty was often nude. Like another notorious British comic strip, Jane.
In both of these notions, I was mistaken. The movie makers may have sought to capitalize on the popularity of the Sean Connery flicks by claiming Modesty was a female version of Ian Fleming’s 007. But Modesty Blaise is a much more complex and fascinating character than James Bond ever was.
As for the charge of nakedness—overwrought. Modesty sometimes strips to bra and panties when she’s caught in a dangerous situation while attired in ordinary street clothes. But that doesn’t happen often. Usually, she goes into action deliberately, seeking out some dastardly villain she’s been alerted to. And for such forays, she dons a black jump suit that covers her from head to toe.
No, the attraction—what holds me enthralled still—about Modesty Blaise is neither nudity nor Bonded gender change. Instead, it is the ingenuity of O’Donnell’s plots—their inventiveness, their twists, the tenterhooks upon which O’Donnell suspends his readers—the intelligence of his stories and their devices, the novelty of his characterizations, and the transcendence of the partnership between Modesty and Willie, their romance without romance.
I own all the novels, but I haven’t read them all. I have deliberately put off reading the last couple that I bought because I know that after I read them, there will be no more freshly minted Modesty novels to read. I’ll have exhausted this rich vein of adventure stories. And I want to postpone that unhappy moment as long as I can. Perverse of me, I know. But love is about longing as well as consummation.
But enough about me. Let’s talk about Modesty and her history as derived, chiefly, from the novels.
By the time all of the stories about Modesty Blaise begin, she has been retired for some time from her previous occupation as the head of an international criminal organization known as the Network. The Network specialized in theft. Modesty, who was orphaned as a child in the aftermath of World War II and survived a hard-scrabble hand-to-mouth existence through the sheer ferocity of her determination, refused to deal in vice or drugs: she loathed human degradation and those who dealt in it.
When Modesty first saw Willie Garvin, he was a gutter-bred bitter self-hating rough-neck hoodlum. But she saw in him not only prodigious physical abilities but impressive mental prowess and, presumably, a kind of innate stalwartness. She rescued him from his thug’s lowlife and gave him the opportunity to make something of himself. And in six months, a new Willie Garvin emerged—a man of cheerful confidence and sharp intelligence with all his former criminal skills enhanced by his knowledge that someone believed in him—Modesty. On the day they met, when Modesty bought him out of jail, she seemed a “Princess” to Willie; and he has called her “Princess” ever since.
Through the six years they worked together in the Network, “they schemed, fought, bled, tended each other’s hurts,” and, in effect, became halves of a single personality, so attuned that each knew what the other was thinking and would do under any circumstance. And then, having piled up a small fortune apiece, they retired. Modesty split up the Network among her lieutenants and bought a penthouse in London; Willie took possession of an old-world pub by the River Thames.
But they were not content with their new humdrum existence, and so when Sir Gerald Tarrant of British Intelligence needed some unorthodox help in an enterprise that was, for him, illegal, he turned to Modesty and Willie. They helped Tarrant on that occasion and liked the work well enough to take other assignments as they cropped up. And those comprise the Modesty Blaise oeuvre of Peter O’Donnell.
Until Modesty came along, most of O’Donnell’s writing was in comics. He sold his first story in 1936 when he was sixteen to The Scout, one of many magazines manufactured in England for young readers. He became a staff writer for the publisher of such magazines in 1937, turning out stories for both serious and humorous “picture stories” (comics). His career was interrupted for six years by World War II, in which he served as a radio operator. Upon discharge in about 1945, he became a book publisher for a few years and then, in 1951, returned to freelance writing, producing many stories for the magazines of Amalgamated Press (the forerunner of Fleetway Publications).
In 1953, an Amalgamated editor recommended O’Donnell as a substitute writer for a newspaper comic strip called Belinda. While he was doing that, he was invited to take over writing Garth, a science fantasy strip that had slipped in popularity. O’Donnell revived it, and soon after starting on it, he was also doing Tug Transom, a strip about the skipper of a tramp steamer and his crew. During the 1950s, he also wrote a couple of other more humorous strips—For Better or Worse (about a married couple, Jack and Jill) and Eve (another Jane, England’s notorious strip about a young woman who manages to undress on camera frequently)—and short stories for women’s magazines.
Then at the end of 1956, the Daily Mirror lost the artist-writer of one of its most popular strips, Romeo Brown.
In England, newspaper strips are produced for individual newspapers, not syndicates; popular strips may be circulated to “provincial papers” by the London papers that own them, but not always. Many strips appear only in their “home” newspapers where they were born. I don’t know if Romeo Brown appeared anywhere except in the Daily Mirror, but when the Daily Sketch lured Alfred Mazure (“Maz”) away, the Mirror needed someone to write Romeo Brown and someone to draw it. O’Donnell was invited to write it, and to draw it, the Mirror hired the man O’Donnell would thereafter always refer to as “the great Jim Holdaway,” the artist who would, later, give Modesty Blaise her glamorous appearance.
Romeo Brown was a blundering comical detective out of P.G. Wodehouse, but the strip’s “main idea,” O’Donnell said, “was to get girls’ clothes off in the nicest possible way.”
Later, O’Donnell learned that Holdaway was plunged into despair when he found out what Romeo Brown was about. “He went home and said to his wife, ‘I can’t do this—I can’t draw girls.’ He had been drawing westerns for a long time and thought that he could draw only cowboys and horses!”
It soon developed, however, that Holdaway could draw pretty girls very well. Sexy, beautiful girls. Well enough that when O’Donnell invented Modesty Blaise—a beautiful, sexy heroine—he wanted Holdaway to draw her. Initially, the publishing newspaper tried another artist, but that individual “totally misunderstood” the character. “It was a disaster,” O’Donnell said. He promptly recommended Holdaway, and Modesty was, forthwith, given visual life.
Modesty Blaise began in the London Evening Standard on May 13, 1963, but O’Donnell’s heroine had been lurking in the back corridors of his imagination for many months prior to that. After a decade of producing stories for he-men like Garth and Tug Transom while also writing romantic fiction for female readers, O’Donnell had started thinking about combining the two somehow in “a super woman who could have the kind of adventure the big, super male heroes had been having all this time—that was the beginning.”
In an interview with Nick Landeu in Comic Media (March 1973), O’Donnell explained: “You let these things simmer. You don’t consciously think about them very often. But gradually the yeast seems to work, and a character emerges. I would say that until you actually start to write the characters—to put dialogue in the mouth and to activate the strings of the [puppet]—they don’t come to life. Not for me at any rate. I can only get so far in thinking about a character, and then I’ve got to start working them out—writing pages and pages of dialogue and action just to get the blood flowing through the veins—and then they’ll begin to take on life for themselves and sometimes surprise me with what they say or do.”
In imagining such a “super woman” as Modesty, O’Donnell had to give her a background, a history, that would make her plausible. “I don’t think you could take a girl from behind a counter in a shop and turn her into a Modesty Blaise. It had to be born in the blood and the bone.”
He remembered, then, an incident from his army career. As he has told it frequently, he was with a mobile radio detachment in northern Persia in 1942, eating his dinner out of a mess kit beside a small stream when “this child suddenly appeared. She was alone, she was barefoot, she wore a rag of a dress, she had all her belongings tied up in a blanket on her head, and she had a cord around her neck with something hanging on it. She sat down at some distance away, on the other side of the stream, and started gnawing on something she removed from her bundle.”
O’Donnell and his comrades offered the girl food, and she finally took some, warily. O’Donnell saw that the object on the cord around her neck was a piece of wood with a long nail lashed to it—“a weapon, which she obviously needed.”
O’Donnell “surmised that she was a refugee from somewhere in the Balkans, and she had been on her own for some time because she was unfazed, she was her own person, this little kid,” and after eating from the mess kit she’d been given, she washed the utensils in the stream, using sand to scour them. “She stood there for a few seconds,” he continued, “and then she gave us a smile, and you could have lit up a small village with that smile, and then she said something and walked off into the desert, going south, and she was on her own and walked like a little princess. I never forgot that child. And when I wanted a background for Modesty Blaise, I knew that child was the story.”
But Modesty is an extremely knowledgeable and sophisticated woman of the world, and for that aspect of her character, O’Donnell put the refugee girl in the company of an old man, a Hungarian professor, whom the girl protected. And he educated her. After he died, Modesty was 16 or 17, and she heard about a casino in Tangier and went there to work. There, presumably, she acquired some social polish and learned much about the shadowy underworld, and when her boss was killed, she took over his operation, eventually forming the Network.
“Once Modesty had fully emerged,” O’Donnell said, “the totality of Willie Garvin followed thirty seconds later. He is an essential part of her.”
It remained only to give his heroine a name. In a 1996 letter to Bill Wottlin, O’Donnell rehearsed the story of Modesty’s christening:
“The name Modesty Blaise emerged for me long after devising the character. I was looking for a dramatic name but nothing appealed. Then one day I was typing a script for Garth when I mis-typed the adverb ‘modestly’ and it came out ‘modesty.’ That’s when it hit me that this would be the ideal antithetic forename for her.
“At the time,” he continued, “I was reading a book by C.S. Lewis. It was called That Hideous Strength and featured the resuscitation of Merlin from the days of the Arthurian legend. It was here that I learnt that Merlin’s tutor was a magician called Blaise. This was a monosyllable (as required for cadence), and it also had a fiery ring to it. So she became Modesty Blaise.”
The Modesty Blaise novels began with the Losey movie. Initially, the idea was to promote the movie, and O’Donnell simply adapted the screenplay he’d written. But the final screenplay was re-written several times, leaving only one line from O’Donnell’s script; so the first novel, Modesty Blaise (1965), is no longer anything like the film.
O’Donnell found more satisfaction in writing the novels. In writing the strip, he produced crudely drawn thumbnails of the panels so he would know how much space the words were taking—and, conversely, that sufficient room remained for the artwork. But the novels were solo performances with the writer in complete control. Moreover, in a novel “there’s elbow room to give more nuances of feeling and to say what’s going on inside your characters.”
The novels also more fully explain the relationship between Modesty and Willie, supplying an answer to the question O’Donnell has been plagued with more than any other.
From the novel Sabre-tooth: “Modesty … by some strange magic had stripped away the veneer and liberated Willie Garvin from the gnawing demons who rode on his back. For this liberation, the new Willie Garvin had made himself—not her slave, for she would not allow that, but her eternally faithful follower. And though she had raised him up to become her right arm, he still sat at her feet. And there was no loss of masculinity in this…. Willie Garvin was wholly convinced that sitting at Modesty’s feet set him head and shoulders above any man alive—even those few who had known the gifts of her splendid body.”
To suggest, as some did, that there was something sexual between them embarrassed Willie “as a devout believer might be embarrassed by a friend’s unwitting sacrilege.”
Said O’Donnell: “It’s a relationship women understand better than men.”
By 1973, Modesty Blaise was published in 76 newspapers in 35 countries. The strip appeared in the U.S. in 30-40 papers at the time the Losey movie ran. All but the Detroit Free Press soon dropped it, saying the stories ran too long, 16-17 weeks. U.S. papers wanted O’Donnell to cut back to 12 weeks, but he refused. To do so, he said, would cut the meat out. “You’ll end up with no depth of character, no humor, none of the fleshing out and asides that, to my mind, are vital parts of the success of the Modesty Blaise/Willie Garvin setup.”
O’Donnell and Holdaway met once a week when the artist delivered the week’s worth of strips to the writer at his Fleet Street office. O’Donnell would look over the strips, and if “amendments” were needed, Holdaway would make them. And then they would deliver the completed batch across the street to the Standard offices.
Writing later of these encounters, O’Donnell said he never knew quite what to expect on the day Holdaway was to appear. “Sometimes the door would open an inch, and a voice would order me to throw out my gun and come out with my hands up. Sometimes he was the gas-meter man with a falsetto voice. Sometimes his hat would be thrown in, and sometimes the first I knew of his arrival was when clouds of cigarette smoke would come wafting through my old-fashioned office letter-box…”
They worked well together, O’Donnell believed. “We enjoyed and respected each other’s contribution and worked together in the greatest harmony.”
Then in 1970, in the midst of their 18th Modesty story together, the great Jim Holdaway died. Struck down by a wholly unexpected heart attack at the youthful age of 43. Fifteen years after Holdaway’s death, O’Donnell would write: “Jim Holdaway was a small man with a gentle manner, an immense talent, and a lovely sense of humor. I still miss him.”
The Standard editors held try-outs for a replacement, and they and O’Donnell finally settled on a Spaniard, Enrique Badia-Romero. Thereafter, the production of the strip was conducted mostly by mail, which made a detour at the Standard offices for O’Donnell’s scripts to be translated into Spanish.
Romero left Modesty in 1978 to concentrate on a strip of his own, Axa. He returned in the fall of 1986 and continued to draw the strip for the rest of its run. During his sabbatical, Modesty was drawn briefly by John Burns, then Pat Wright, and, finally, Neville Colvin from late 1980 until Romero’s return, a total of 15 stories. Colvin’s work seemed to O’Donnell to be closer to Holdaway’s than any of the other successors; and I agree although he was closer at the beginning than at the end of his tour. Colvin applied more feathering and fragile-line shading than the others, and his Modesty was more glamorous.
In the early 1970s, O’Donnell began writing another series of novels—these, all under the name Madeleine Brent. Nine altogether, they each feature a different female protagonist telling the story in the first person. Set in the late Victorian era in England, part of each story takes place elsewhere—China, Australia, Afghanistan, Mexico.
Said O’Donnell: “I think that people who like my Modesty books will like these as well. They have the same kind of adventure in them.”
One of the novels, Merlin’s Keep, in 1978 won the Romantic Novel of the Year Award from the Romantic Novelists’ Association.
All 95 of the Modesty Blaise stories (and the 12 back-story strips about Modesty’s refugee life) have been reprinted in one place or another. Titan Books in England published 23 stories in eight 9×11″ paperbacks which present the highest quality reprints, nearly pristine reproduction of every line no matter how fragile. Ken Pierce of Illinois published another 21 stories (only three of which duplicate Titan’s) in eight 7″x10″ paperbacks. The quality here, too, is virtually perfect but the strips are smaller than in the Titan volumes. All of Holdaway’s work can be found in either Titan or Pierce.
The rest of the canon has been published by Comics Revue, sometimes in special Modesty Blaise issues that contain whole stories, sometimes serialized in the regular monthly magazine. The quality of reproduction here, however, is very uneven—due, doubtless, to the source material, which, apparently, is not always printer’s proofs.
Modesty Blaise was one of the last great adventure strips, and it is arguably the most literate adventure strip ever. And the novels are better than the strip. The books have an advantage over newspapers’ serial mode: their emotional content is cumulative not diffused over intervening days and therefore builds toward greater impact.
In the last of the books, the short story collection The Cobra Trap, O’Donnell arranged the retirement of his dauntless pair. They die. They die gracefully, in battle, as befits such legendary soldiers of fortune. O’Donnell brings down the curtain with his usual finesse, easing Willie into the afterlife on the last page of the title story.
This tale takes place 20 years “in the future,” so Modesty and Willie are in their fifties. In the final newspaper comic strip story, “The Zombie,” they are still in their thirties and have twenty more years of exploits before them.
At the end of the last strip adventure, Modesty announces that she is tired of villains and secret service work and wants to do something “crazy—just for fun. We’ll take a little break, Willie love,” she says, “just you and me.” Says he: “Best bit of all, Princess.” And they sail off in a yacht.
The strip ended April 11, 2001. It was O’Donnell’s 81st birthday. He would die nine years later at the age of 90. He suffered from Parkinson’s in his later years.


humortimes--2020-07-06--Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/6/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/6/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ talks for new ‘ Batman ’ … look for the right turn signal on the Batmobile to be blinking through the whole movie .
No giant surprise there .
One of the symptoms , after all , is lack of taste .
Hmmmm , so , these same folks who say there ’ s only one nation , one flag , one national anthem sure dig that Confederate flag , treason statues and whistling Dixie .
Biden says we should “ protect ” Columbus , Washington and Jefferson statues Well , he did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they won ’ t count as evidence because he ’ s wearing his underwear… Mississippi passed a bill to remove the Confederate emblem from their flag …and to set their clocks ahead to 1866 .
Lady Gaga continues her no-pants streak while picking up dinner with boyfriend Michael Polansky Look for her in the remake of ‘ The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantless.
’ And , Susan Collins is so mad at Kavanaugh ‘ s vote , she might just wag her index finger at him .
Kate Beckinsale has the best response @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be her “ children ” Oh , c ’ mon , you have to be more specific , all men are children .
Trump says he wasn ’ t joking about testing slowdown : “ I don ’ t kid.
” In fact , Trump wants to make coronavirus testing as slow as Eric Trump .
University of Alabama and state health officials can not confirm reported ‘ COVID-19 parties ’ took place Although if they need a cure , three words… Roll Tide Pods .
“ Outstanding ” headteacher receives nationwide support @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did nothing ’ during lockdown Dr. Dre ’ s Wife Nicole Young files for divorce after 24 years of marriage … good luck , Amigos , getting Trump to pay for it…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Michael Keaton in talks for new ‘Batman’
… look for the right turn signal on the Batmobile to be blinking through the whole movie.
Kimberly Guilfoyle, Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, tests positive for coronavirus
No giant surprise there. One of the symptoms, after all, is lack of taste.
NFL ‘fans’ threaten boycott over Black national anthem
Hmmmm, so, these same folks who say there’s only one nation, one flag, one national anthem sure dig that Confederate flag, treason statues and whistling Dixie.
Biden says we should “protect” Columbus, Washington and Jefferson statues
Well, he did know all three personally.
Dershowitz tweet storm on Ghislaine Maxwell arrest
… but they won’t count as evidence because he’s wearing his underwear…
Mississippi passed a bill to remove the Confederate emblem from their flag
…and to set their clocks ahead to 1866.
Lady Gaga continues her no-pants streak while picking up dinner with boyfriend Michael Polansky
Look for her in the remake of ‘The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pantless.’
Supreme Court Justice Kavanaugh votes to strike down Louisiana abortion law
And, Susan Collins is so mad at Kavanaugh‘s vote, she might just wag her index finger at him.
Kate Beckinsale has the best response to claim she dates men who could be her “children”
Oh, c’mon, you have to be more specific, all men are children.
Trump says he wasn’t joking about testing slowdown: “I don’t kid.”
In fact, Trump wants to make coronavirus testing as slow as Eric Trump.
University of Alabama and state health officials cannot confirm reported ‘COVID-19 parties’ took place
Although if they need a cure, three words… Roll Tide Pods.
“Outstanding” headteacher receives nationwide support after suspension for saying some teachers ‘did nothing’ during lockdown
Headteacher? Damn, talk about taking oral exams!
Dr. Dre’s Wife Nicole Young files for divorce after 24 years of marriage
Guess that means, “she’s gonna forget about Dre.”
Mexico closing its U.S border
… good luck, Amigos, getting Trump to pay for it…


My Pandemic Diary

The author ’ s pandemic diary — from early on into 2024 !
Hey , this isn ’ t so bad , right ?
Yeah , I had to shut down my shop All Things Avocado but it was getting kind of crazy-busy so I ’ m OK with an involuntary sabbatical .
Lots of sleep , tons of books and chillin ’ with Netflix .
What ’ s not to like ?
Starting to get a bit antsy .
Rent is due and there ’ s no money coming in .
Oh , well , I ’ ve got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and presumably we ’ ll be back to some kind of neo-normal within a few weeks .
This is getting a little scary .
They say that things are going to open up a bit except for non-essential stores .
In my view , avocados are essential but apparently the authorities are of a different mind .
Almost ran out of wine and beer .
Luckily , I stocked up early on toilet paper and hand sanitizer so was able to sell off part of my large supply to finance a replenishment trip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ good for at least a couple of weeks .
All out of alcohol but still have lots of rotting fruit and avocados .
Turn basement toilet into prison-style still and wait for fermentation to do its job .
Backyard now full of dandelions which suggests I might want to start making my own homemade wine .
It ’ s the hundred-day anniversary of the pandemic and it ’ s also my birthday .
Didn ’ t think we ’ d still be social distancing at this point but I guess it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Anyway , I baked myself a small birthday cake .
No white flour left so I used leftover quinoa flour I found behind the stove .
Still feeling horrible .
Don ’ t think it ’ s COVID-19 since I don ’ t have a fever or trouble breathing .
Most likely food poisoning from that quinoa flour .
Dark flecks probably not seeds but instead tiny mouse droppings .
Getting really hungry .
Not much left in the freezer section of the fridge but I ’ m going to thaw out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ though the expiry date has long since passed .
Sure would like to have an avocado or two .
Glad I didn ’ t get rid of that pellet gun I had as a kid .
I ’ ve been trying my luck shooting squirrels in the backyard .
The pellets mostly just bounce off the squirrels although I did stun one and was able to Google “ squirrel stew.
” Not surprisingly , it tastes like chicken .
President Trump announces that the 2020 election continues to be delayed thanks to those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ once we have at least half a dozen effective vaccines , he ’ ll start planning for an election with in-person voting although if things go on much longer , he points out that it might just be easier to wait until 2024 .
It ’ s the number of the Beast , the mark of the Devil and a sign of the End Times .
I am now dressed in loincloth and taking my pellet gun with me whenever I go to the grocery store .
Masks now cover the eyes rather @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fight amongst ourselves in the frozen food section .
Have not seen fresh avocados for months now .
2024 has come and gone but we have survived the pandemic .
Emperor Trump assures us that America will rebound immediately and announces the commencement of Democratic gladiator contests in full stadiums across the land .
On a personal note , he has assured me that there will be avocados again .
All hail Emperor Trump .

The author’s pandemic diary — from early on into 2024!
Day 16
Hey, this isn’t so bad, right? Yeah, I had to shut down my shop All Things Avocado but it was getting kind of crazy-busy so I’m OK with an involuntary sabbatical. Lots of sleep, tons of books and chillin’ with Netflix. What’s not to like?
Day 34
Starting to get a bit antsy. Rent is due and there’s no money coming in. Oh, well, I’ve got three credit cards I can max out and presumably we’ll be back to some kind of neo-normal within a few weeks.
Day 57
This is getting a little scary. They say that things are going to open up a bit except for non-essential stores. In my view, avocados are essential but apparently the authorities are of a different mind.
Day 78
Almost ran out of wine and beer. Luckily, I stocked up early on toilet paper and hand sanitizer so was able to sell off part of my large supply to finance a replenishment trip to the liquor store. Should be good for at least a couple of weeks.
Day 93
All out of alcohol but still have lots of rotting fruit and avocados. Turn basement toilet into prison-style still and wait for fermentation to do its job. Backyard now full of dandelions which suggests I might want to start making my own homemade wine.
Day 100
It’s the hundred-day anniversary of the pandemic and it’s also my birthday. Didn’t think we’d still be social distancing at this point but I guess it’s going to take longer than anyone thought. Anyway, I baked myself a small birthday cake. No white flour left so I used leftover quinoa flour I found behind the stove.
Day 102
Still feeling horrible. Don’t think it’s COVID-19 since I don’t have a fever or trouble breathing. Most likely food poisoning from that quinoa flour. Dark flecks probably not seeds but instead tiny mouse droppings.
Day 213
Getting really hungry. Not much left in the freezer section of the fridge but I’m going to thaw out the package of frozen Brussels sprouts even though the expiry date has long since passed. Sure would like to have an avocado or two.
Day 378
Glad I didn’t get rid of that pellet gun I had as a kid. I’ve been trying my luck shooting squirrels in the backyard. The pellets mostly just bounce off the squirrels although I did stun one and was able to Google “squirrel stew.” Not surprisingly, it tastes like chicken.
Day 556
President Trump announces that the 2020 election continues to be delayed thanks to those “crazy Dems.” He promises that once we have at least half a dozen effective vaccines, he’ll start planning for an election with in-person voting although if things go on much longer, he points out that it might just be easier to wait until 2024.
Day 666
It’s the number of the Beast, the mark of the Devil and a sign of the End Times. I am now dressed in loincloth and taking my pellet gun with me whenever I go to the grocery store. Masks now cover the eyes rather than the mouth as we forage and fight amongst ourselves in the frozen food section. Have not seen fresh avocados for months now.
Day 1600
2024 has come and gone but we have survived the pandemic. Emperor Trump assures us that America will rebound immediately and announces the commencement of Democratic gladiator contests in full stadiums across the land. On a personal note, he has assured me that there will be avocados again. All hail Emperor Trump.


humortimes--2020-07-08--Surprise Group Endorses Trump Reelection Bid

HOLLYWOOD , CA — They say that politics makes for strange bedfellows , but perhaps none stranger than the group of entertainers who convened a press conference yesterday afternoon in front of Grauman ’ s Chinese Theatre and its “ Walk of Fame.
” With more than two dozen comedy luminaries standing in solidarity alongside an unmasked Mike Pence , Comedic Actors and Writers Guild spokesperson Jimmy Kimmel offered the group ’ s full-throated endorsement of Donald Trump ’ s reelection campaign .
“ The last three and a half years have been a breeze for comedy writers .
When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they just fire up Donald ’ s twitter feed and the monologue writes itself , usually within 15 minutes , max , ” opined Kimmel .
“ The prospect of having to actually create gut-busting bits for the next four years without Trump ’ s daily rantings is not something we look forward to .
Just too much work , even though Biden ’ s frequent gaffes would be a considerable comedic vein to mine should Trump go down bigly.
” Vice president Pence then stepped forward to express the Trump campaign @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of such a talented and distinguished group .
“ Mother is a huge fan of all the late-night hosts , ” he gushed .
“ Why , just last night , ” he continued , “ she was talking about how Carnac the Magnificent cracks her up every time .
She ’ s also a huge fan of that guy with the big chin , although she ’ s concerned about his political leanings given his Massachusetts roots.
” The vice president then reached into his pocket and pulled out a smart phone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tweet on the CAWG ’ s announcement , which said , “ Leftie comics favor me over Sleepy Joe , BIG TIME !
I ’ m the FUNNEST president EVER !
!
A terrific JOKE !
!
!
!
” The Biden campaign was unavailable for immediate comment , although in a hastily called Zoom press briefing later that night , Biden did promise that his ramblings would continue to be a rich source of boners and bloopers .
“ I can assure the diverse , comedic community that I will provide bushels @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for many hearty guffaws .
Or , as the young kids say , ‘ Hello L , ’ whatever that means.
” Overnight polls show a slight preference among registered voters for four years of Biden bloopers over Trumpian tantrums , 24 to 19 , with 57 percent yearning for Obama to return to the White House .

Group of comedy luminaries endorses Trump, standing in solidarity.
HOLLYWOOD, CA — They say that politics makes for strange bedfellows, but perhaps none stranger than the group of entertainers who convened a press conference yesterday afternoon in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre and its “Walk of Fame.” With more than two dozen comedy luminaries standing in solidarity alongside an unmasked Mike Pence, Comedic Actors and Writers Guild spokesperson Jimmy Kimmel offered the group’s full-throated endorsement of Donald Trump’s reelection campaign.
“The last three and a half years have been a breeze for comedy writers. When my team sits down in the morning, they just fire up Donald’s twitter feed and the monologue writes itself, usually within 15 minutes, max,” opined Kimmel. “The prospect of having to actually create gut-busting bits for the next four years without Trump’s daily rantings is not something we look forward to. Just too much work, even though Biden’s frequent gaffes would be a considerable comedic vein to mine should Trump go down bigly.”
Vice president Pence then stepped forward to express the Trump campaign’s pleasure at having the backing of such a talented and distinguished group. “Mother is a huge fan of all the late-night hosts,” he gushed. “Why, just last night,” he continued, “she was talking about how Carnac the Magnificent cracks her up every time. She’s also a huge fan of that guy with the big chin, although she’s concerned about his political leanings given his Massachusetts roots.”
The vice president then reached into his pocket and pulled out a smart phone to read his boss’s latest tweet on the CAWG’s announcement, which said, “Leftie comics favor me over Sleepy Joe, BIG TIME! I’m the FUNNEST president EVER!! A terrific JOKE!!!!”
The Biden campaign was unavailable for immediate comment, although in a hastily called Zoom press briefing later that night, Biden did promise that his ramblings would continue to be a rich source of boners and bloopers. “I can assure the diverse, comedic community that I will provide bushels full of material that will be fodder for many hearty guffaws. Or, as the young kids say, ‘Hello L,’ whatever that means.”
Overnight polls show a slight preference among registered voters for four years of Biden bloopers over Trumpian tantrums, 24 to 19, with 57 percent yearning for Obama to return to the White House.


humortimes--2020-07-08--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kellyanne Conway & Whoopi Goldberg

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Kellyanne Conway and Whoopi Goldberg .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today on the show my guests are White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway and talk show host of The View comedienne Whoopi Goldberg .
I love our president .
He always tells the truth .
You must of heard about the dead blonde found in the White House closet .
She was last years @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
At least my hair doesn ’ t look like a worn out mop .
Hey .
I typed “ bitch ” into my GPS .
Guess what ?
I ’ m in your driveway .
I thought this was The 700 Club .
Relax , Bottom Feeder .
Here ’ s a PEZ .
That should fill you up for the day .
Too many calories .
I ’ m on a diet .
I know I am , but what are you ?
Shut up .
Your husband George Conway is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are Republicans running anti-Trump ads on television .
Doesn ’ t that make for an uncomfortable marriage ?
Not to me .
You ’ re on the wrong side of history .
Black people are being killed by cops .
Not yours , Boney Maroney .
And their laughable slogan is “ Fair and Balanced.
” That ’ s it .
That ’ s the joke .
You lie , Mrs. Sharpton .
Did you know the latest Fox election poll shows President Trump ahead of Joe Biden in all 87 states ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that one out of your rear ?
No .
He was on my mind .
The man went from 305 pounds to 129 pounds .
Sharpton must have paid good money for that tapeworm .
Maybe I should buy one .
I could stand to lose a few pounds .
A few pounds ?
You ’ re fat and need to go on a diet .
I ’ m not going to sugarcoat it because you ’ ll eat that , too .
The Trumpster says the coronavirus will just disappear .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cases .
The most deaths in the world .
It ’ s because we are testing more people .
But we don ’ t have enough tests .
Exactly .
That ’ s why we need to stop testing .
Why waste money ?
Testing saves lives .
Can ’ t you get it through your fake blonde hair , Girl ?
At least I don ’ t look like the day after a nuclear blast .
It ’ s okay to lie , Kellyanne .
You ’ re good at it .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Because you can see right through them .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Kellyanne Conway and Whoopi Goldberg.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guests are White House Counselor Kellyanne Conway and talk show host of The View comedienne Whoopi Goldberg.
KELLYANNE CONWAY
I love our president. He always tells the truth.
WHOOPI GOLDBERG
You’re delusional, Sis. Trump is a bad dude.
WHOOPI
You must of heard about the dead blonde found in the White House closet.
KELLYANNE
No.
WHOOPI
She was last years hide and seek winner.
KELLYANNE
Whoopee cushion. At least my hair doesn’t look like a worn out mop.
WHOOPI
Hey. I typed “bitch” into my GPS. Guess what? I’m in your driveway.
JERRY
Ladies. This isn’t The Jerry Springer Show.
WHOOP
It isn’t? Then I’m booking.
JERRY
No, wait. We’re crazier.
WHOOPI
Then I’m in.
KELLYANNE
I thought this was The 700 Club.
JERRY
You were punked.
KELLYANNE
What?!
JERRY
Relax, Bottom Feeder. Here’s a PEZ. That should fill you up for the day.
KELLYANNE
Too many calories. I’m on a diet.
JERRY
Listen up. Okay?
KELLYANNE
I know I am, but what are you?
JERRY
Shut up. Your husband George Conway is part of the Lincoln Project. These are Republicans running anti-Trump ads on television. Doesn’t that make for an uncomfortable marriage?
KELLYANNE
Nothing matters anymore.
WHOOPI
Black lives matter.
KELLYANNE
Not to me.
JERRY
You’re on the wrong side of history. Black people are being killed by cops.
WHOOPI
Yeah. Don’t you watch the news, Kellyanne?
KELLYANNE
Fox News. Every life matters, Dunderhead.
WHOOPI
Not yours, Boney Maroney. And their laughable slogan is “Fair and Balanced.” That’s it. That’s the joke.
KELLYANNE
You lie, Mrs. Sharpton. Did you know the latest Fox election poll shows President Trump ahead of Joe Biden in all 87 states?
JERRY
Mrs. Al Sharpton? Did you pull that one out of your rear?
KELLYANNE
No. He was on my mind. The man went from 305 pounds to 129 pounds. Sharpton must have paid good money for that tapeworm.
WHOOPI
Maybe I should buy one. I could stand to lose a few pounds.
KELLYANNE
A few pounds? You’re fat and need to go on a diet. I’m not going to sugarcoat it because you’ll eat that, too.
JERRY
The Trumpster says the coronavirus will just disappear. The United States curve has risen for positive cases. The most deaths in the world.
KELLYANNE
It’s because we are testing more people.
JERRY
But we don’t have enough tests.
KELLYANNE
Exactly. That’s why we need to stop testing. Why waste money?
WHOOPI
Testing saves lives. Can’t you get it through your fake blonde hair, Girl?
KELLYANNE
At least I don’t look like the day after a nuclear blast.
JERRY
It’s okay to lie, Kellyanne. You’re good at it.
KELLYANNE
Thank you. I think so.
WHOOPI
Yo, Kellyanne. Why are ghosts bad liars?
KELLYANNE
I can’t imagine.
WHOOPI
Because you can see right through them.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.