humortimes--2020-01-23--Funnies Farrago: Happy Superbirthdays!

Funnies Farrago: Happy Superbirthdays!

Three of DC Comics superheroes recently celebrated “ Superbirthdays ” — Superman , Batman and Wonder Woman .
Three of DC Comics superheroes recently celebrated anniversaries , or “ Superbirthdays ” — Superman , Batman and Wonder Woman .
And DC dutifully brought forth a special birthday book for each of them .
For all the successes of Action Comics : 80 Years of Superman , Deluxe Edition ( 383 7×11-inch pages , hardcover , $ 29.99 ) , it is disappointing in one conspicuous aspect : it offers only one story drawn ( penciled ) by Wayne Boring , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the 1950s established the “ look ” of the Man of Steel for a generation of readers .
Boring created the barrel-chested Superman , a tradition continued by Al Plastino , who is represented in the next TWO stories , one featuring Supergirl .
And she ’ s also the featured player in the next two , both drawn by Jim Mooney .
Only two other stories are from the fifties , and only two stories penciled by Curt Swan , the darling of the 1970s .
Superman ’ s earliest appearances are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2 1938 ) , then the book skips ahead to No.42 ( 1941 ) .
Although the near-absence of Boring and the slight appearance of Swan suggests that this book is aimed chiefly at comicbook fans of the last 20-30 years , a cursory glance through the dates in the Table of Contents shows that every decade is about equally represented despite the slight to Wayne Boring .
The 21 stories in the book also include other characters who occupied the back pages of Action Comics ( this isn ’ t , after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there are other characters “ in action ” ) .
An excellent origin story for the Vigilante is drawn by Mort Meskin ( still under the influence of Jack Kirby ) , and Fred Guardineer writes and draws a Zatara , Master Magician — stylistically stunning visually .
There ’ s also a previously unpublished story by Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster from 1945 in b/w , and from the 1970s , a crisply rendered ( by Carmine Infantino and Dick Giordano ) tale about Christopher Chance ( written by Len @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” who stands in for those marked for murder , hoping he can stop the killer before he kills his assignment .
In the Superman stories , we meet the Toyman , Supergirl ( “ the world ’ s Greatest Heroine ” ) , Bizarro , Wondergirl , Cyborg , and Silver Banshee , not to mention President Jack Kennedy .
Clark proposes to Lois and marries her , and in another issue , reveals that he ’ s Superman before they can marry .
Throughout , at intervals , artwork by John @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and numerous others — notably , a special “ double-sized anniversary issue ” for No.800 with art by 17 artists .
At other intervals are essays by various personages : Laura Siegel Larson , creator Jerry Siegel ’ s daughter , who writes about the myth of the creation ; longtime DC editor Paul Levitz , who also writes about the creation ; Jules Feiffer on the first issue of Action Comics ; Tom DeHaven on the times ; Marv Wolfman on how he acquired the 12-page unpublished Superman story seeing print @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hajdu , Larry Tye , and Gene Luen Yang on other topics .
The final story is , I assume , produced especially for this volume .
By Paul Levitz and drawn by Neal Adams , “ The Game ” has Superman ( looking like a rugged John Travolta ) and Lex Luther playing chess .
Superman wins that game , but Luthor enchains him in Kryptonite .
Still , Superman escapes .
As always .
This time , aided by Scott Free ’ s mother box .
The last several stories are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , highly computer-generated — more dazzle than anything else .
Near here , I ’ ve salvaged some visual aids .
A glance at the cover art for Detective Comics : 80 Years of Batman , Deluxe Edition 416 7×11-inch pages , hardcover , $ 29.99 ) and that of the memorial to Action Comics establishes the now-obvious — companion tomes for DC ’ s greatest money-makers .
Nice to see Bill Finger appropriately credited on the title page , joining , at long last , Bob Kane , the co-creator of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 28 stories include the first Batman story from Detective No.27 , May 1939 ( as well as a 1976 tale woven around his maudlin origin , witnessing as a child the murder of his parents ) and the debuts of Robin , Two-Face , Riddler ( with Dick Sprang pencils ) , Bat-Woman drawn by Sheldon Moldoff ( who pencils 3 stories herein , more than anyone else — 1956 , 1959 , 1961 ) , Clayface , Batgirl ( two-parter ) and such sillinesses as Bat-Mite and Man-Bat , penciled by Neal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ visually for the 1970s ( but not in this story ) .
Sprang , who , with Moldoff , defined Batman in the 1950s , is criminally under-represented and Adams ditto .
Bat-Mite gets a story but , strangely , no Joker story and no Penguin story .
As with the Superman tome , this volume is liberally laced with essays .
Early , Paul Levitz recites an accurate history of DC Comics with the unscrupulous Harry Donenfeld wrenching the publishing company out of the hands of Major Malcolm Wheeler-Nicholson .
Saith Levitz @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sheer range of brilliant interpretations he ’ s hand , and while not all the amazing writers and artists who have contributed to his history are represented here , many of the best are.
” But not Frank Miller , whose Dark Knight tale reinvented the character and imbued him with psychological depth — and also encouraged a darker aspect to superheroes .
Senator Patrick Leahy , a Batman fan all his life , contributes an essay about his adventures with Batman in film cameos and on the Senate floor , where he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about the horrors of landmines .
Other essays of fond recollection are by people who ’ ve worked on Batman or , mostly , been inspired by him ( including the retiring chief of police in San Diego ) .
Anthony Tollin details the pulp character inspirations for Finger and Kane .
While the emphasis of this volume is on Batman , Detective Comics featured other memorable characters , and several of them are present here .
The first , the Crimson Avenger , was a masked do-goer who debuted in No.20 — @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t make the grade and was discarded .
Others herein include the origin of Pow-Wow Smith , Indian Lawman ( pencils by Carmine Infantino ) , Slam Bradley ( a Captain Easy imitation by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster ) , costumed Airwave with antena on his head and lightning bolt on his chest ; Boy Commandos by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby ; an episode of “ Impossible But True ” with Roy Raymond , a character who stars in the tv show of that name ( well drawn by Ruben @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and a Manhunter on Earth , two tales by Archie Goodman , stunningly rendered by Walt Simonson ; and a Lew Sayre Schwartz sketchbook of page layouts ( well-meant , no doubt , but meaningless without the final pages to compare them to ) .
The book ends with a tale produced especially for the volume , “ Twenty-Seven , ” by Scott Snyder , drawn in stunning detail with stroking pen by Sean Murphy , lays out a new Batman myth — of his regeneration in a new person every twenty-seven years @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” has calculated “ he ” will be effective in fighting crime and evil in all its manifestations .
Now , a short gallery of pages and panels from the book .
As in the other two commemorative tomes , the artist most associated with the character is decidedly under-represented in Wonder Woman : A Celebration of 75 Years ( 400 7×10-inch pages , hardcover , $ 39.99 ) .
Only 3 of the book ’ s 18 stories are drawn by H.G .
Peter , who drew Wonder Woman through most of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ awkward style defined the character .
The reprinted stories are divided into four sections , each prefaced by an introduction that describes what happened during that period of Wonder Woman ’ s adventures .
In the first , we learn of WW ’ s invention by William Moulton Marston , a psychologist who lived with a wife and in-house mistress ( this domestic arrangement , however fascinating , isn ’ t mention in this all-ages tome ) .
The second section presents the most awful of WW ’ s history — when she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her link with the mysterious Amazon Island where she was “ inconceivably conceived ” ( to quote one story introduction ) , born , and raised .
For five years ( 1968-1973 ) , WW was only Diana Prince , a private investigator in a white pantsuit with a fashion store as cover and expertise in judo .
This section concludes with a 1982 story in which WW ’ s costume gets some revision , including the imposition of a new eagle-less ww on her chest .
In 1987 , George Perez , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over both writing and drawing WW .
The book gives him only one story — a tedious “ history ” of Greek mythology on Amazon Island , where — at last , by the end of the story — Diana emerges as WW .
Then William Messner-Loebs took over for a while , but Wonder Woman after Perez is forever burdened with histories of Amazon Island and pseudo mythology .
Boring .
Wonder Woman “ showed as many faces as Diana herself ” in the creative teams that followed .
Judging from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or writer made the character his/her own .
And the character was always in flux — now a warrior , next a philosopher — her appearance changing from the cartoony ( but lively ) treatment of J .
Bone to the bulging superheroine physique of Ethan Van Sciver and everything in between .
Management could never make up its minds about WW ’ s appearance : should she be sexy or more school-marmish ?
Management could never make up its minds about Wonder Woman in general .
What was her character anyhow ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ superheroine or Greek princess ?
Or pinup queen ?
The book satisfactorily represents this decades-long confusion and indecision .
Despite my carping about the miserable under-representation of Wayne Boring and H.G .
Peter , this trio of commemorative volumes does a respectable job of representing DC ’ s headline characters over several decades of their existence .
No DC comicbook fan should be without them .

Three of DC Comics superheroes recently celebrated “Superbirthdays” — Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman.
Three of DC Comics superheroes recently celebrated anniversaries, or “Superbirthdays” — Superman, Batman and Wonder Woman. And DC dutifully brought forth a special birthday book for each of them.
For all the successes of Action Comics: 80 Years of Superman, Deluxe Edition (383 7×11-inch pages, hardcover, $29.99), it is disappointing in one conspicuous aspect: it offers only one story drawn (penciled) by Wayne Boring, who in the late 1940s and throughout the 1950s established the “look” of the Man of Steel for a generation of readers. Boring created the barrel-chested Superman, a tradition continued by Al Plastino, who is represented in the next TWO stories, one featuring Supergirl. And she’s also the featured player in the next two, both drawn by Jim Mooney. Only two other stories are from the fifties, and only two stories penciled by Curt Swan, the darling of the 1970s.
Superman’s earliest appearances are herein rehearsed in Action Comics Nos.1 and 2 1938), then the book skips ahead to No.42 (1941). Although the near-absence of Boring and the slight appearance of Swan suggests that this book is aimed chiefly at comicbook fans of the last 20-30 years, a cursory glance through the dates in the Table of Contents shows that every decade is about equally represented despite the slight to Wayne Boring.
The 21 stories in the book also include other characters who occupied the back pages of Action Comics (this isn’t, after all, “Superman Comics”: there are other characters “in action”). An excellent origin story for the Vigilante is drawn by Mort Meskin (still under the influence of Jack Kirby), and Fred Guardineer writes and draws a Zatara, Master Magician — stylistically stunning visually. There’s also a previously unpublished story by Superman creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster from 1945 in b/w, and from the 1970s, a crisply rendered (by Carmine Infantino and Dick Giordano) tale about Christopher Chance (written by Len Wein), “the human target” who stands in for those marked for murder, hoping he can stop the killer before he kills his assignment.
In the Superman stories, we meet the Toyman, Supergirl (“the world’s Greatest Heroine”), Bizarro, Wondergirl, Cyborg, and Silver Banshee, not to mention President Jack Kennedy. Clark proposes to Lois and marries her, and in another issue, reveals that he’s Superman before they can marry. Throughout, at intervals, artwork by John Byrne, Gil Kane, Neal Adams, and numerous others — notably, a special “double-sized anniversary issue” for No.800 with art by 17 artists.
At other intervals are essays by various personages: Laura Siegel Larson, creator Jerry Siegel’s daughter, who writes about the myth of the creation; longtime DC editor Paul Levitz, who also writes about the creation; Jules Feiffer on the first issue of Action Comics; Tom DeHaven on the times; Marv Wolfman on how he acquired the 12-page unpublished Superman story seeing print here for the first time; David Hajdu, Larry Tye, and Gene Luen Yang on other topics.
The final story is, I assume, produced especially for this volume. By Paul Levitz and drawn by Neal Adams, “The Game” has Superman (looking like a rugged John Travolta) and Lex Luther playing chess. Superman wins that game, but Luthor enchains him in Kryptonite. Still, Superman escapes. As always. This time, aided by Scott Free’s mother box.
The last several stories are rendered in manners that are highly polished, highly computer-generated — more dazzle than anything else. Near here, I’ve salvaged some visual aids.
A glance at the cover art for Detective Comics: 80 Years of Batman, Deluxe Edition
416 7×11-inch pages, hardcover, $29.99) and that of the memorial to Action Comics establishes the now-obvious — companion tomes for DC’s greatest money-makers. Nice to see Bill Finger appropriately credited on the title page, joining, at long last, Bob Kane, the co-creator of the Cowled Crusader.
The book’s 28 stories include the first Batman story from Detective No.27, May 1939 (as well as a 1976 tale woven around his maudlin origin, witnessing as a child the murder of his parents) and the debuts of Robin, Two-Face, Riddler (with Dick Sprang pencils), Bat-Woman drawn by Sheldon Moldoff (who pencils 3 stories herein, more than anyone else — 1956, 1959, 1961), Clayface, Batgirl (two-parter) and such sillinesses as Bat-Mite and Man-Bat, penciled by Neal Adams, who provided the definitive Batman visually for the 1970s (but not in this story). Sprang, who, with Moldoff, defined Batman in the 1950s, is criminally under-represented and Adams ditto. Bat-Mite gets a story but, strangely, no Joker story and no Penguin story.
As with the Superman tome, this volume is liberally laced with essays. Early, Paul Levitz recites an accurate history of DC Comics with the unscrupulous Harry Donenfeld wrenching the publishing company out of the hands of Major Malcolm Wheeler-Nicholson. Saith Levitz: “Batman is notable for the sheer range of brilliant interpretations he’s hand, and while not all the amazing writers and artists who have contributed to his history are represented here, many of the best are.” But not Frank Miller, whose Dark Knight tale reinvented the character and imbued him with psychological depth — and also encouraged a darker aspect to superheroes.
Senator Patrick Leahy, a Batman fan all his life, contributes an essay about his adventures with Batman in film cameos and on the Senate floor, where he passed out copies of the graphic novel about the horrors of landmines.
Other essays of fond recollection are by people who’ve worked on Batman or, mostly, been inspired by him (including the retiring chief of police in San Diego). Anthony Tollin details the pulp character inspirations for Finger and Kane.
While the emphasis of this volume is on Batman, Detective Comics featured other memorable characters, and several of them are present here. The first, the Crimson Avenger, was a masked do-goer who debuted in No.20 — seven issues before Batman — but didn’t make the grade and was discarded.
Others herein include the origin of Pow-Wow Smith, Indian Lawman (pencils by Carmine Infantino), Slam Bradley (a Captain Easy imitation by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster), costumed Airwave with antena on his head and lightning bolt on his chest; Boy Commandos by Joe Simon and Jack Kirby; an episode of “Impossible But True” with Roy Raymond, a character who stars in the tv show of that name (well drawn by Ruben Moreira); Manhunter from Mars, and a Manhunter on Earth, two tales by Archie Goodman, stunningly rendered by Walt Simonson; and a Lew Sayre Schwartz sketchbook of page layouts (well-meant, no doubt, but meaningless without the final pages to compare them to).
The book ends with a tale produced especially for the volume, “Twenty-Seven,” by Scott Snyder, drawn in stunning detail with stroking pen by Sean Murphy, lays out a new Batman myth — of his regeneration in a new person every twenty-seven years, the number of years “he” has calculated “he” will be effective in fighting crime and evil in all its manifestations.
Now, a short gallery of pages and panels from the book.
As in the other two commemorative tomes, the artist most associated with the character is decidedly under-represented in Wonder Woman: A Celebration of 75 Years (400 7×10-inch pages, hardcover, $39.99). Only 3 of the book’s 18 stories are drawn by H.G. Peter, who drew Wonder Woman through most of the 1940s and 1950s and whose somewhat awkward style defined the character. The reprinted stories are divided into four sections, each prefaced by an introduction that describes what happened during that period of Wonder Woman’s adventures. In the first, we learn of WW’s invention by William Moulton Marston, a psychologist who lived with a wife and in-house mistress (this domestic arrangement, however fascinating, isn’t mention in this all-ages tome).
The second section presents the most awful of WW’s history — when she lost her powers, her costume and her link with the mysterious Amazon Island where she was “inconceivably conceived” (to quote one story introduction), born, and raised. For five years (1968-1973), WW was only Diana Prince, a private investigator in a white pantsuit with a fashion store as cover and expertise in judo. This section concludes with a 1982 story in which WW’s costume gets some revision, including the imposition of a new eagle-less ww on her chest.
In 1987, George Perez, then a fan favorite artist, took over both writing and drawing WW. The book gives him only one story — a tedious “history” of Greek mythology on Amazon Island, where — at last, by the end of the story — Diana emerges as WW. Then William Messner-Loebs took over for a while, but Wonder Woman after Perez is forever burdened with histories of Amazon Island and pseudo mythology. Boring.
Wonder Woman “showed as many faces as Diana herself” in the creative teams that followed. Judging from the Table of Contents listing, no artist or writer made the character his/her own. And the character was always in flux — now a warrior, next a philosopher — her appearance changing from the cartoony (but lively) treatment of J. Bone to the bulging superheroine physique of Ethan Van Sciver and everything in between.
Management could never make up its minds about WW’s appearance: should she be sexy or more school-marmish? Management could never make up its minds about Wonder Woman in general. What was her character anyhow? Who was she supposed to be — superheroine or Greek princess? Or pinup queen? The book satisfactorily represents this decades-long confusion and indecision.
Despite my carping about the miserable under-representation of Wayne Boring and H.G. Peter, this trio of commemorative volumes does a respectable job of representing DC’s headline characters over several decades of their existence. No DC comicbook fan should be without them.


humortimes--2020-01-26--States Announce Plans for Most Attention-Grabbing Primaries

Every state is now jostling to not only be first , but most attention-grabbing with these new primary plans .
2020 is here and that means the start of the year-long race for the White House .
It used to be that New Hampshire was first out of the gate with its February primary .
More recently , Iowa has stolen first spot with its February 3rd caucuses .
Now other states are getting jealous of all the attention lavished on these two otherwise minor jurisdictions .
And a few of them are even doing something about it , with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ recent developments affecting the Democratic Presidential candidate selection process : Looking to turn the Iowa caucuses into back page news , Delaware announces its new house party voting system for February 1st .
Patterned after the famous Tupperware marketing scheme , hundreds of housewives throughout the state will invite their neighbors over for an evening of snacks , games and lingerie modelling .
Each Presidential candidate is assigned a particular racy undergarment and the final sales totals determine who wins Delaware ’ s precious 28 convention delegates .
The last of the original @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rhode Island seeks to now be the first in choosing the Democratic Presidential candidate with a January 31st voting date .
Eschewing the traditional primary process , the Ocean State opts to join forces with the Girl Scouts and their annual door-to-door cookie sale .
Potential purchasers will be asked to choose a box of cookies bearing a likeness of their preferred candidate .
Customers are encouraged to buy more than one box and can even “ split ” their votes , if they wish .
Wyoming , the so-called Forgotten State , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attempt to be number one in the Presidential nomination sweepstakes .
For the one-week period leading up to January 30th , the Democratic candidates and their supporters will roam the state and apply their individual brands to any of the millions of cattle grazing from Casper to Cheyenne .
The “ polls ” close at 12 noon and Wyoming ’ s ranchers spend the rest of the day tallying the results .
Still suffering from last year ’ s economic recession , Maine hopes both to be the first primary state and to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Supporters will have three days to cut , trim and mark timber with the name of their preferred candidate .
Only those logs that make it to a designated “ polling booth/saw mill ” by January 29th will qualify for the final count .
Long known for its sins and vices , Nevada wants to be seen as a responsible partner in the democratic process .
January 28th will see every casino in the state providing Nevada Democrats with their choice of poker chip , slot machine and roulette wheel identified by individual @ @ @ @ @ @ @ candidates get votes based on the day ’ s gambling action , they will also receive one per cent of the house proceeds to help finance their upcoming tree cutting and cattle branding efforts .

Every state is now jostling to not only be first, but most attention-grabbing with these new primary plans.
2020 is here and that means the start of the year-long race for the White House. It used to be that New Hampshire was first out of the gate with its February primary. More recently, Iowa has stolen first spot with its February 3rd caucuses. Now other states are getting jealous of all the attention lavished on these two otherwise minor jurisdictions. And a few of them are even doing something about it, with new attention-grabbing plans.
Check out these recent developments affecting the Democratic Presidential candidate selection process:
Delaware
Looking to turn the Iowa caucuses into back page news, Delaware announces its new house party voting system for February 1st. Patterned after the famous Tupperware marketing scheme, hundreds of housewives throughout the state will invite their neighbors over for an evening of snacks, games and lingerie modelling. Each Presidential candidate is assigned a particular racy undergarment and the final sales totals determine who wins Delaware’s precious 28 convention delegates.
Rhode Island
The last of the original thirteen colonies to join the Union, Rhode Island seeks to now be the first in choosing the Democratic Presidential candidate with a January 31st voting date. Eschewing the traditional primary process, the Ocean State opts to join forces with the Girl Scouts and their annual door-to-door cookie sale. Potential purchasers will be asked to choose a box of cookies bearing a likeness of their preferred candidate. Customers are encouraged to buy more than one box and can even “split” their votes, if they wish.
Wyoming
Wyoming, the so-called Forgotten State, hopes to raise its profile with its attempt to be number one in the Presidential nomination sweepstakes. For the one-week period leading up to January 30th, the Democratic candidates and their supporters will roam the state and apply their individual brands to any of the millions of cattle grazing from Casper to Cheyenne. The “polls” close at 12 noon and Wyoming’s ranchers spend the rest of the day tallying the results.
Maine
Still suffering from last year’s economic recession, Maine hopes both to be the first primary state and to kick start its ailing forestry industry. Supporters will have three days to cut, trim and mark timber with the name of their preferred candidate. Only those logs that make it to a designated “polling booth/saw mill” by January 29th will qualify for the final count.
Nevada
Long known for its sins and vices, Nevada wants to be seen as a responsible partner in the democratic process. January 28th will see every casino in the state providing Nevada Democrats with their choice of poker chip, slot machine and roulette wheel identified by individual Presidential hopeful. Not only do the candidates get votes based on the day’s gambling action, they will also receive one per cent of the house proceeds to help finance their upcoming tree cutting and cattle branding efforts.


humortimes--2020-01-26--Why Won’t Trump Quit Like Nixon? Top Ten Reasons!

The Senate won ’ t convict , but could Trump quit ?
You must be hallucinating !
Melania Trump always @ @ @ @ @ Fighter , and when it comes to not resigning – in his own words – @ @ @ @ @ ’ s like a dog with a bone… 9 .
Why should I – my @ @ @ @ @ go !
8 .
Why would I – my Chinese Laundry just got it right… @ @ @ @ @ Strap !
7 .
I don ’ t want Giuliani to know my forwarding address @ @ @ @ @ says I have a Pre-existing Condition & wouldn ’ t have Obamacare !
2 .
@ @ @ @ @ wants to Airbub-crash our in-laws Suite !
I ’ d have to start lying at @ @

The Senate won’t convict, but could Trump quit? You must be hallucinating!
Melania Trump always said Donald is a Big Fighter, and when it comes to not resigning – in his own words – here’s proof he’s like a dog with a bone…
10. Bill Barr tucks me in!
9. Why should I – my Wall has 3 feet to go!
8. Why would I – my Chinese Laundry just got it right…
NO STARCH in my Jock Strap!
7. I don’t want Giuliani to know my forwarding address!
6. I’m not finished crocheting my ‘Home Sweet Home’ pillow!
5. ‘Air Force One’ won’t fit in my Mar-a-Lago Garage!
4. I’d miss Mitch McConnell calling me ‘King Liar’…I mean ‘Lear’!
3. My psychiatrist says I have a Pre-existing Condition & wouldn’t have Obamacare!
2. In Florida, Lindsey Graham wants to Airbub-crash our in-laws Suite!
And #1…WHY I WON’T QUIT LIKE NIXON…
I’d have to start lying at Golf!


humortimes--2020-01-26--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: To See or Not To See Hear…

“ Nothing to see hear , ” said the blind and deaf elephant .
Of course Trump has “ TV ” lawyers .
It is , after all , a show-trial .
A circus is never complete without plenty of clowns .
Republicans always take their hypocritical oafs seriously .
Rand Paul : An arrogant little me-me meanie who loves playing with “ cross ” words .
It really doesn ’ t matter what people think if they don ’ t .
With objective purposes , Trump keeps trying to change the subjective .
How can you make a case @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clue ?
It takes a really big “ HOLE ” to bury an elephant .
One mass shooting after another is like deja-vu , all over a gun .
Nobody likes Bernie ?
Hillary ’ s whine is clearly made from sour gripes .
Seems like certain Democrats don ’ t want real change , they just want to be in charge .
Never hit the snooze button on the Doomsday clock .
Schools vs. Haircuts : Fascism vs .
Fashion is ’ em .
The pen is mightier than the sword , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

“Nothing to see hear,” said the blind and deaf elephant.
Of course Trump has “TV” lawyers. It is, after all, a show-trial.
A circus is never complete without plenty of clowns.
Republicans always take their hypocritical oafs seriously.
Rand Paul: An arrogant little me-me meanie who loves playing with “cross” words.
GOP justifications: A sap’s fables.
It really doesn’t matter what people think if they don’t.
With objective purposes, Trump keeps trying to change the subjective.
How can you make a case if you haven’t got a clue?
It takes a really big “HOLE” to bury an elephant.
Inaction speaks louder than words.
RIP: Republicans in Panic!
One mass shooting after another is like deja-vu, all over a gun.
Nobody likes Bernie? Hillary’s whine is clearly made from sour gripes.
Seems like certain Democrats don’t want real change, they just want to be in charge.
Never hit the snooze button on the Doomsday clock.
Schools vs. Haircuts: Fascism vs. Fashion is ’em.
Common sense often dies of loneliness.
The pen is mightier than the sword, unless it’s out of ink.
Loose lips sink censorships!


humortimes--2020-01-26--Trump Meets with Religious Leaders of HATE

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Donald Trump today met with top religious leaders of the controversial Holy Antagonistic Theological Elitist society , or HATE as it ’ s more commonly known , for their annual “ Hot Wings and a Prayer ” roundtable discussion and smackdown .
The event , held at an undisclosed Hooters location , featured arm wrestling , bible-thumping ‘ longside the head , sing-alongs with dirty disco-dancing Donnie and his all-rural orchestra , as well as a spirited game of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Ass.
” Trump took the opportunity to assert his own deep personal faith , declaring : “ I prays myself , all the time !
” He then presented HATE ’ s CEO and president , Reverend Graham Wizard , with the Trump administration ’ s latest list of revised and abridged biblical passages , to help make them “ more accessible and user-friendly in today ’ s modern world ” : An I for an I , and a me for a me .
Judge not , lest ye be judged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ change his spots , and if not where can he launder them ?
Let him who is without sense off the hook .
For everything there is a treason .
Ye shall not eat of the forbidden fruit , unless you ’ re a Trump platinum member .
He who lives by the sword should be allowed to cut a deal .
Pride goeth before the fall .
In the late summer , I think .
Money is the fruit of all evil .
I ’ m innocent and whitewash my hands of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Believe in me ” ) …

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Religious leaders host annual “Hot Wings and a Prayer” gathering attended by Trump.
Donald Trump met today with top religious leaders of the controversial Holy Antagonistic Theological Elitist society, or HATE as it’s more commonly known, for their annual “Hot Wings and a Prayer” roundtable discussion and smackdown. The event, held at an undisclosed Hooters location, featured hillbilly-style arm wrestling, bible-thumping ‘longside the head competitions, sing-alongs with dirty disco-dancing Donnie and his all-rural orchestra , as well as a spirited game of “Pin the Tale on the Donkey, Ass!” to wrap-up the day’s festivities.
Trump took the opportunity to assert his own deep personal faith, declaring: “I prays myself, all the time!”
He then presented HATE’s CEO and president, Reverend Graham Wizard, with the Trump administration’s latest list of revised and abridged biblical passages, to help make them “more accessible and user-friendly in today’s modern world”:
An I for an I, and a me for a me.
Do undo others.
Judge not, lest ye be judged, liberal assholes!
Can a leopard change his spots, and if not where can he launder them?
Let him who is without sense off the hook.
Eat, drink and be scary.
For everything there is a treason.
Ye shall not eat of the forbidden fruit, unless you’re a Trump platinum member.
He who lives by the sword should be allowed to cut a deal.
Pride goeth before the fall. In the late summer, I think.
Money is the fruit of all evil.
Be where false profits.
I’m innocent and whitewash my hands of any responsibility.
…and (instead of “Believe in me”)…
Believe me!


humortimes--2020-01-26--President Reveals Trump Tower Project in Tehran

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Trump Tower project in Iran on track despite tensions , says press secretary .
During a private luncheon with representatives from the Republican National Committee , President Trump announced that plans for a proposed Trump Tower project in Tehran were moving along despite recent tensions in the region .
The project , previously unknown to the luncheon attendees , was greeted with surprise then , after an awkward moment of soul-searching silence , rapturous applause .
President Trump had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would completely divest himself from his business interests .
He reiterated that point during the luncheon but added , “ Don Junior and Eric have been doing a great , great job .
Absolutely fantastic job .
They updated me this morning on the project , and I know the Iranians will love the high-class luxury associated with the Trump name .
In fact , the Ayatollah himself has said he plans to stay there.
” Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has strongly disputed the claim .
Sources say he reacted to the news by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ He ’ s building a what ?
In our backyard !
That son-of-a… ” The news has shocked Washington , with Senator Minority Leader Chuck Schumer saying that the news “ may be the most backward conflict of interest I ’ ve ever heard.
” Another lawmaker , speaking on the condition of anonymity , held a different view : “ I look forward to visiting Trump Tower Tehran once it ’ s completed .
Anti-American actions , rhetoric , policy and history aside , Iran is absolutely gorgeous in April.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the news , with some asking , “ Did I hear that right ?
” and others saying , “ This has to be a dream .
Someone pinch me.
” Trump has hit back at criticism , citing the economic benefits : “ We ’ re talking about jobs here .
If you hate jobs , then you hate America.
” According to an anonymous White House source , Secretary of State Mike Pompeo later explained to the president that American citizens would not be the ones employed at the site .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Well , of course .
Citizens have never been employed at Trump properties .
How am I—I mean Don Junior and Eric—supposed to make money if we had to pay real wages ?
” The project is slated to open in January of 2025 , the last day of Trump ’ s presidency if he were to win a second term .
Trump ’ s reasoning : “ I ’ m going to need a vacation , and I think the people of Iran would absolutely love to host the greatest United States @ @ @ @ @

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Trump Tower project in Iran on track despite tensions, says press secretary.
During a private luncheon with representatives from the Republican National Committee, President Trump announced that plans for a proposed Trump Tower project in Tehran were moving along despite recent tensions in the region. The project, previously unknown to the luncheon attendees, was greeted with surprise then, after an awkward moment of soul-searching silence, rapturous applause.
President Trump had stated early in his administration that he would completely divest himself from his business interests. He reiterated that point during the luncheon but added, “Don Junior and Eric have been doing a great, great job. Absolutely fantastic job. They updated me this morning on the project, and I know the Iranians will love the high-class luxury associated with the Trump name. In fact, the Ayatollah himself has said he plans to stay there.”
Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has strongly disputed the claim. Sources say he reacted to the news by using a Farsi phrase roughly translated as “He’s building a what? In our backyard! That son-of-a…”
The news has shocked Washington, with Senator Minority Leader Chuck Schumer saying that the news “may be the most backward conflict of interest I’ve ever heard.” Another lawmaker, speaking on the condition of anonymity, held a different view: “I look forward to visiting Trump Tower Tehran once it’s completed. Anti-American actions, rhetoric, policy and history aside, Iran is absolutely gorgeous in April.”
Reporters from various outlets have pounced on the news, with some asking, “Did I hear that right?” and others saying, “This has to be a dream. Someone pinch me.”
Trump has hit back at criticism, citing the economic benefits: “We’re talking about jobs here. If you hate jobs, then you hate America.”
According to an anonymous White House source, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo later explained to the president that American citizens would not be the ones employed at the site. To this, Trump remarked, “Well, of course. Citizens have never been employed at Trump properties. How am I—I mean Don Junior and Eric—supposed to make money if we had to pay real wages?”
The project is slated to open in January of 2025, the last day of Trump’s presidency if he were to win a second term. Trump’s reasoning: “I’m going to need a vacation, and I think the people of Iran would absolutely love to host the greatest United States president in history.”


humortimes--2020-01-26--The Litmess Test for Corrobsham

The Litmess Test for Corrobsham

Let ’ s not equibblecase : the yesmads have it .
A Litmess Test .
Let ’ s not equibblecase : the yesmads have it .
The Republicanned bed felons are accomplicing the downreich scamdalous , Exxoneraiding their eight hundred pound gorilla from charges of chimpeachment as pretty mitch uncovers there ’ s more in bad with him than a few prosticute Russians .
As Lipsy Grabs eludes it best , quoting the greased palm motto of his Palm Motto State , “ Dumb Spiro Spiro , ” his orbskewered illusion to Nixon ’ s oily-headed vice-precident , like a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too dead to get kremlinated for conspirocy or Tex fogs .
Doublessly Lipsy ’ s sacred code for , “ This might goad without saying , but white men are still in charge.
” As to our present Amarrogant Precident , remumble what the Mr. Bill Shatsmear once absorbed when sad things were sad in motion : “ Life is a tale told by illiterates , fools with sounds of farcy , signifaking nutthinks.
” So let the idiot speak !
He ’ s a larger than life sentence like Humping Trumpy sad @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hates to be eggnored .
Eventfolly Nature will runt its curse .
In the mean times , invincible farces are at work like sagging socks and gravity .
What Moscow up , Moscow down .
Something there is that doesn ’ t love a wall .
P. B. Noseby is affiliated with Mystic Crow Publishing .
Read his blog here .

Let’s not equibblecase: the yesmads have it. A Litmess Test.
By P. B. Noseby
Let’s not equibblecase: the yesmads have it. The Republicanned bed felons are accomplicing the downreich scamdalous, Exxoneraiding their eight hundred pound gorilla from charges of chimpeachment as pretty mitch uncovers there’s more in bad with him than a few prosticute Russians.
As Lipsy Grabs eludes it best, quoting the greased palm motto of his Palm Motto State, “Dumb Spiro Spiro,” his orbskewered illusion to Nixon’s oily-headed vice-precident, like a late date in a dollar shirt, too dead to get kremlinated for conspirocy or Tex fogs. Doublessly Lipsy’s sacred code for, “This might goad without saying, but white men are still in charge.”
As to our present Amarrogant Precident, remumble what the Mr. Bill Shatsmear once absorbed when sad things were sad in motion: “Life is a tale told by illiterates, fools with sounds of farcy, signifaking nutthinks.”
So let the idiot speak! He’s a larger than life sentence like Humping Trumpy sad on his wall, and every dimmergod hates to be eggnored. Eventfolly Nature will runt its curse.
In the mean times, invincible farces are at work like sagging socks and gravity. What Moscow up, Moscow down. Something there is that doesn’t love a wall.
P. B. Noseby is affiliated with Mystic Crow Publishing. Read his blog here.


humortimes--2020-01-27--Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/27/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/27/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ finally forgave him for the Angelina Jolie stuff .
I mean , they were on a break , for god ’ s sake !
Florida man arrested for tranquilizing and raping alligators in Everglades If it happened in Australia , it ’ d be a load of croc… New study shows audience ’ s hearts synchronize at the theatre While at the movie ‘ Cats , ’ it was sleep REMs .
Which explains just one of the reasons he no longer has such a swelled head .
What do you get for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everything ?
!
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says 2020 is off to a fine start for her : “ I ’ m cancer-free.
” As opposed to the White House … Smugglers tried to bring 3,700 invasive crabs through the Port of Cincinnati … would ’ ve got away with it , too , if it wasn ’ t for all that itching , scratching .
Damn , only 41 .
Ironically , he could put that number up every damn night .
So sad .
More amazing was Lev Parnas standing in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ AND Warren to endorse for Dem Prez nomination They also got the 49ers AND the Chiefs in the Super Bowl !
Dershowitz says he will defend the president by arguing that even if he did abuse his power , he hasn ’ t committed any actual crimes … and if there were actually crimes , Trump was wearing his underwear at the time , so , it doesn ’ t count … Franklin Graham says Melania Trump is “ The classiest First Lady our county has ever had ” I don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a naked Martha Washington and Abigail Adams are pretty hot , uh , I mean classy !
… when he woke up he found out his seat had been stolen and given to Merrick Garland… Greta Thunberg fires back after Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin says she isn ’ t qualified to lecture the US on climate change

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Breaking: Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston looked cozy at SAG Awards
I guess she finally forgave him for the Angelina Jolie stuff. I mean, they were on a break, for god’s sake!
Florida man arrested for tranquilizing and raping alligators in Everglades
If it happened in Australia, it’d be a load of croc…
New study shows audience’s hearts synchronize at the theatre
While at the movie ‘Cats,’ it was sleep REMs.
Barry Bonds didn’t make the Baseball HOF, again
Which explains just one of the reasons he no longer has such a swelled head.
Kellyanne Conway turns 53 today
What do you get for the girl who’s lied about everything?!
Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg says 2020 is off to a fine start for her: “I’m cancer-free.”
As opposed to the White House …
Smugglers tried to bring 3,700 invasive crabs through the Port of Cincinnati
… would’ve got away with it, too, if it wasn’t for all that itching, scratching.
RIP Kobe Bryant
Damn, only 41. Ironically, he could put that number up every damn night. So sad.
Kourtney Kardashian’s 7-year-old daughter Penelope steals the show in $200 Versace swimsuit
More amazing was Lev Parnas standing in the background…
The NY Times picked Klobuchar AND Warren to endorse for Dem Prez nomination
They also got the 49ers AND the Chiefs in the Super Bowl!
Dershowitz says he will defend the president by arguing that even if he did abuse his power, he hasn’t committed any actual crimes
… and if there were actually crimes, Trump was wearing his underwear at the time, so, it doesn’t count …
Franklin Graham says Melania Trump is “The classiest First Lady our county has ever had”
I don’t know about that, those Linotypes with a naked Martha Washington and Abigail Adams are pretty hot, uh, I mean classy!
Mitch McConnell reportedly fell asleep during impeachment proceedings Tuesday
… when he woke up he found out his seat had been stolen and given to Merrick Garland…
Greta Thunberg fires back after Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin says she isn’t qualified to lecture the US on climate change
Greta: Who?


humortimes--2020-01-28--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Comedian Eddie Murphy

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian and actor Eddie Murphy .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is comedian and actor Eddie Murphy .
I ’ m Mister Robinson !
And my neighbors are racist boys and girls .
No .
Sorry .
I thought my girlfriend was cheating after I found a text on her phone this morning .
Fortunately , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s still the same guy .
You ’ re 58 years old .
You have 10 kids from different wives and girlfriends .
Yeah .
I ’ m not the poster boy for birth control .
But I love them all .
That ’ s a gotcha question .
Let me think .
There ’ s Eeny , Meeny , Miny , Moe , Tinker , Dinker , Stinker , Tiggy , Ziggy and Shmo .
( Game show announcer voice ) You are correct , Eddie .
You just won an all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ex-wives and girlfriends to Fantasy Island .
Now you can ruin a kids happy moment over and over .
They can hear yelling 24/7 .
Words like bum , cheater , more alimony , I got the house and where da women at .
And don ’ t forget the scavenger hunt for little Tattoo , as he plays hide and seek .
Ze plane !
Ze plane !
It will drive everyone crazy .
Eddie Murphy said something nasty about my African American Bill Cosby on Saturday Night Live .
That ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Who is America ’ s dad now ?
” That old fool is in the slammer where you ’ ll be , Trumpster .
No collusion .
No obstruction The perfect call .
The perfect call .
You sound and look like my orange parrot .
When that obese bird died , it was a real weight off my shoulder .
You two knuckleheads have something in common .
You ’ re both from New York City .
That ’ s a stretch , Duncan .
My parents were po ’ folks .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in his mouth .
You were , Dawg .
And now your foot ’ s in your mouth , too .
No wonder I have a hard time walking .
No foot , no foot .
If you ’ re rich , prove it .
Release your taxes .
Trumpster .
Why did the cannibal accountant get disciplined ?
For buttering up her clients .
Your joke sucked .
But I always wanted to know .
Last name is Murphy .
Are you Irish ?
I ’ m sick of all the Irish @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my bottle , I ’ m punching you .
Here ’ s a fact .
God invented whisky to keep the Irish from ruling the world .
16,000 lies in 4 years .
How can we believe you ?
If I say I ’ m lying , it can ’ t be a lie .
You ’ re a loser , Duncan .
The only thing wrong with me is I ’ m talking to you .
My man , I have to cut this interview short .
I got a blind date @ @ @ @ @ @ @ That ’ s it .
Whoa Nelly .
You mean ?
Don ’ t even know the woman .
Fake news .
Ho ho ho .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedian and actor Eddie Murphy.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is comedian and actor Eddie Murphy.
JERRY
Good morning, Eddie.
EDDIE MURPHY
I’m Gumby, dammit!
JERRY
Should I call you Gumby?
MURPHY
No. I’m Buckwheat. O-tay?!
JERRY
Then I’ll call you Buckwheat.
MURPHY
I’m Mister Robinson! And my neighbors are racist boys and girls.
JERRY
I better alert Bellevue Mental Hospital. You’re certified crazy.
MURPHY
No. Sorry. I thought my girlfriend was cheating after I found a text on her phone this morning. Fortunately, she’s not. It’s still the same guy.
JERRY
You’re 58 years old. You have 10 kids from different wives and girlfriends.
MURPHY
Yeah. I’m not the poster boy for birth control. But I love them all.
JERRY
What’s their names?
MURPHY
That’s a gotcha question. Let me think. There’s Eeny, Meeny, Miny, Moe, Tinker, Dinker, Stinker, Tiggy, Ziggy and Shmo.
JERRY
(Game show announcer voice) You are correct, Eddie. You just won an all expense paid trip with your kids, ex-wives and girlfriends to Fantasy Island. Now you can ruin a kids happy moment over and over. They can hear yelling 24/7. Words like bum, cheater, more alimony, I got the house and where da women at. And don’t forget the scavenger hunt for little Tattoo, as he plays hide and seek. Ze plane! Ze plane! It will drive everyone crazy.
The studio door bursts open and Donald Trump enters.
DONALD TRUMP
Eddie Murphy said something nasty about my African American Bill Cosby on Saturday Night Live.
MURPHY
That’s right. I said, “Who is America’s dad now?” That old fool is in the slammer where you’ll be, Trumpster.
TRUMP
No collusion. No obstruction The perfect call. The perfect call.
MURPHY
You sound and look like my orange parrot. When that obese bird died, it was a real weight off my shoulder.
JERRY
You two knuckleheads have something in common. You’re both from New York City.
MURPHY
That’s a stretch, Duncan. My parents were po’ folks. Trump was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
TRUMP
No. I wasn’t.
MURPHY
You were, Dawg. And now your foot’s in your mouth, too.
TRUMP
No wonder I have a hard time walking. No foot, no foot.
MURPHY
If you’re rich, prove it. Release your taxes.
TRUMP
I can’t. I’m under audit.
MURPHY
Trumpster. Why did the cannibal accountant get disciplined?
TRUMP
No clue.
MURPHY
For buttering up her clients.
TRUMP
Your joke sucked. But I always wanted to know. Last name is Murphy. Are you Irish?
MURPHY
I’m sick of all the Irish stereotypes. As soon as I finish my bottle, I’m punching you.
TRUMP
Here’s a fact. God invented whisky to keep the Irish from ruling the world.
JERRY
16,000 lies in 4 years. How can we believe you?
TRUMP
If I say I’m lying, it can’t be a lie. You’re a loser, Duncan.
JERRY
The only thing wrong with me is I’m talking to you.
MURPHY
My man, I have to cut this interview short. I got a blind date. Her name is Stormy something.
JERRY
Daniels?
MURPHY
That’s it. Whoa Nelly. You mean?
JERRY
Trump’s porn star.
TRUMP
Don’t even know the woman. Fake news.
MURPHY
Hee hee hee.
JERRY
Ho ho ho. See you tomorrow everyone.


Change Is Coming

Family farmers have coalesced with other political outsiders to put forth a complete overhaul of industrial agribusiness : Indeed , finally , change is coming .
As we hurtle into the 2020s , the future of our food economy ( and food itself ) remains a fiercely contested competition between diametrically opposed visions : a negative pole consisting of the concentrated forces of corporate agriBusiness , which view the dinner plate strictly in terms of their own profit margins , and a positive polarity of family farmers , consumers , food artisans , environmentalists and other grassroots advocates of agriCulture @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ethical perspective of sustainability and democratic control .
But change is coming .
Of course , in this Time of Trump , the corporate interests rule national policy .
If there ever was any doubt about which vision the Trumpeteers would push , it was erased by the little-known fellow he appointed to head the Department of Agriculture : Sonny Perdue of Georgia .
Hailing from the No .
1 peanut-producing state in the country , Sonny has proven to be the biggest goober of all .
As chief of the agency @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to assist America ’ s small farmers and rural communities , Perdue has been AWOL , blithely reclining in his ornate Washington office while farm prices have continued to plummet , bankruptcies have soared and farmer suicides have surged .
Bizarrely , this no-show has even found great hilarity in his constituents ’ crises .
In August , when producers began publicly protesting the increasing financial pain that President Donald Trump ’ s trade games with China were inflicting on them , their ag secretary responded with snark .
“ What do you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” he asked at an ag industry gathering .
“ A whine cellar , ” he guffawed .
Then , in October , Perdue suddenly bared his corporate soul by impersonating Earl Butz .
You might recall that Butz , former President Richard Nixon ‘ s secretary of agriculture , had infamously commanded family farmers to “ get big or get out , ” warning them to “ adapt ” to the corporate-dictated food economy he was promoting , “ or die.
” Likewise , appearing at a Wisconsin dairy industry expo , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smugly lectured the state ’ s hard-hit farmers on the theoretical framework of Trumpenomics : “ In America , ” he icily instructed , “ the big get bigger , and the small go out.
” So there you have it — the Sonny & Donnie farm program boils down to two words : Adios , chumps !
By far the most abundant commodity produced under the corporate-centric agriculture policy that ’ s been in place for 50 years is not corn , cotton or cattle but stupidity .
While some years have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s overall policy approach has consistently exploited farmers , our land and water , agricultural workers , taxpayers , food quality and rural communities — all to further enrich the handful of monopolistic profiteers that now control both the policy and policymakers .
And we ’ re presently in year six of the worst farm crisis since the disastrous 1980s .
But hark !
What light is this that glows on yon horizon ?
Why , it ’ s some new policy ideas that are emanating not from corporate front groups , Congress @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but from the grassroots .
Family farmers themselves have coalesced with other political outsiders and victims of Big Ag to put forth a complete overhaul of industrial agribusiness policies , supplanting them with sensible , democratic approaches to serve the common good .
The most cohesive and comprehensive compilation of these solutions has come from Sen. Elizabeth Warren ’ s plan for “ a new farm economy , ” which offers the big structural changes necessary to , in her words , “ break the stranglehold that giant agribusinesses have over our farm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up from the grassroots , for her ag “ brain trust ” primarily consists of dirt farmers and rural advocates .
In dozens of small gatherings across Iowa and elsewhere , these ground-level , hands-on experts have hammered out pragmatic ideas that really would work to produce a democratic and sustainable farm prosperity .
Building on the successful “ supply management ” approach of the New Deal , Warren ’ s proposal stops the constant “ overproduction of commodities , ” which keeps busting farm prices and is drastically straining our environment ; @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go to wealthy agribusiness operations ; provides effective incentives to get farmers to convert swaths of their land from intensive production to conservation practices that mitigate climate change ; strengthens and enforces anti-trust laws to break up and prevent ag monopolies that are bilking farmers ; provides hands-on assistance to help farmers , workers and rural communities build local and regional systems to free them from dependence on multinational food giants ; and purposefully expands opportunities for beginning , female and racially diverse farmers .
Just as corporate powers have spent half a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their selfish interest , so can we create a new one to serve the common interest .
The place to start is with a plan : Visit Warren ’ s website for her full farm plan .

Family farmers have coalesced with other political outsiders to put forth a complete overhaul of industrial agribusiness: Indeed, finally, change is coming.
As we hurtle into the 2020s, the future of our food economy (and food itself) remains a fiercely contested competition between diametrically opposed visions: a negative pole consisting of the concentrated forces of corporate agriBusiness, which view the dinner plate strictly in terms of their own profit margins, and a positive polarity of family farmers, consumers, food artisans, environmentalists and other grassroots advocates of agriCulture, who envision our food future from the ethical perspective of sustainability and democratic control. But change is coming.
Of course, in this Time of Trump, the corporate interests rule national policy. If there ever was any doubt about which vision the Trumpeteers would push, it was erased by the little-known fellow he appointed to head the Department of Agriculture: Sonny Perdue of Georgia. Hailing from the No. 1 peanut-producing state in the country, Sonny has proven to be the biggest goober of all. As chief of the agency created by former President Abraham Lincoln specifically to assist America’s small farmers and rural communities, Perdue has been AWOL, blithely reclining in his ornate Washington office while farm prices have continued to plummet, bankruptcies have soared and farmer suicides have surged.
Bizarrely, this no-show has even found great hilarity in his constituents’ crises. In August, when producers began publicly protesting the increasing financial pain that President Donald Trump’s trade games with China were inflicting on them, their ag secretary responded with snark. “What do you call two farmers in a basement?” he asked at an ag industry gathering. “A whine cellar,” he guffawed.
Then, in October, Perdue suddenly bared his corporate soul by impersonating Earl Butz. You might recall that Butz, former President Richard Nixon‘s secretary of agriculture, had infamously commanded family farmers to “get big or get out,” warning them to “adapt” to the corporate-dictated food economy he was promoting, “or die.” Likewise, appearing at a Wisconsin dairy industry expo, Perdue rose on his hind legs and smugly lectured the state’s hard-hit farmers on the theoretical framework of Trumpenomics: “In America,” he icily instructed, “the big get bigger, and the small go out.” So there you have it — the Sonny & Donnie farm program boils down to two words: Adios, chumps!
By far the most abundant commodity produced under the corporate-centric agriculture policy that’s been in place for 50 years is not corn, cotton or cattle but stupidity. While some years have been worse than others, Washington’s overall policy approach has consistently exploited farmers, our land and water, agricultural workers, taxpayers, food quality and rural communities — all to further enrich the handful of monopolistic profiteers that now control both the policy and policymakers. And we’re presently in year six of the worst farm crisis since the disastrous 1980s.
But hark! What light is this that glows on yon horizon? Why, it’s some new policy ideas that are emanating not from corporate front groups, Congress or other bastions of the status quo but from the grassroots. Family farmers themselves have coalesced with other political outsiders and victims of Big Ag to put forth a complete overhaul of industrial agribusiness policies, supplanting them with sensible, democratic approaches to serve the common good. The most cohesive and comprehensive compilation of these solutions has come from Sen. Elizabeth Warren’s plan for “a new farm economy,” which offers the big structural changes necessary to, in her words, “break the stranglehold that giant agribusinesses have over our farm economy.” Her proposals have literally percolated up from the grassroots, for her ag “brain trust” primarily consists of dirt farmers and rural advocates. In dozens of small gatherings across Iowa and elsewhere, these ground-level, hands-on experts have hammered out pragmatic ideas that really would work to produce a democratic and sustainable farm prosperity.
Building on the successful “supply management” approach of the New Deal, Warren’s proposal stops the constant “overproduction of commodities,” which keeps busting farm prices and is drastically straining our environment; cuts billions from taxpayer subsidies that mainly go to wealthy agribusiness operations; provides effective incentives to get farmers to convert swaths of their land from intensive production to conservation practices that mitigate climate change; strengthens and enforces anti-trust laws to break up and prevent ag monopolies that are bilking farmers; provides hands-on assistance to help farmers, workers and rural communities build local and regional systems to free them from dependence on multinational food giants; and purposefully expands opportunities for beginning, female and racially diverse farmers.
Just as corporate powers have spent half a century rigging the food economy to serve their selfish interest, so can we create a new one to serve the common interest. The place to start is with a plan: Visit Warren’s website for her full farm plan.


Maleficent Memes

… we have a small favor to ask .
More and more people are reading the Humor Times , but advertising revenues for internet sites everywhere keep falling .
And unlike so many other websites , we have not put up a paywall -- we want to keep this much-loved ( and much-needed ! )
political humor free , if possible !
So you can see why we need to ask for your help .
The Humor Times ' unique content takes a lot of time and effort to produce ... but we do it because we believe uncompromising political @ @ @ @ @ @ @ days .
If everyone who reads and likes our website helps fund it , we can continue to help people laugh at the news , rather than cry about it !
For as little as $ 1 , you can support the Humor Times – and it only takes a minute .
Thank you !
Or , please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter via our Patreon Page , contributing a certain amount each month .
You can do it for as long or as short a time as you like .
It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

Become a Humor Times patron via Patreon.com! Help us keep the lights on with a small (or large!) sustaining monthly donation. Check out our current wonderful Sustaining Supporters here! Please join them, and help support independent media! We thank you.


humortimes--2020-02-05--February 2020 Cartoon Caption Contest Winners

Contest Winners
Here are the Humor Times February 2020 Cartoon Caption Contest Winners. To enter the current contest, go to our Cartoon Caption Contest.
Please share the contest with your friends and acquaintances on Facebook and Twitter, etc, using the buttons on this page, and via email and by shouting about it from the rooftops. Enjoy. Thank you!
Feb. 2020 Cartoon Caption Contest Winners:
Name City State Caption Gary Castillo Hurricane UT No, he’s just happy to see you! Douglas Goldman Cape Coral FL I think I found the leaker. Timothy Busam East Northport NY What happens in Putin’s pants pocket, stays in Putin’s pants pocket. Merle Levy Sparks NV I am NOT his puppet! I’m his action figure! Greg Weatherford TX I’m looking for change!!!
The current Cartoon Caption Contest is here.
According to Wikipedia:
Political cartoons can usually be found on the editorial page of many newspapers, although a few (such as Garry Trudeau‘s Doonesbury) are sometimes placed on the regular comic strip page. Most cartoonists use visual metaphors and caricatures to address complicated political situations, and thus sum up a current event with a humorous or emotional picture.
In modern political cartooning, two styles have begun to emerge. The traditional style uses visual metaphors and symbols like Uncle Sam, the Democratic donkey and the Republican elephant; the more recent text-heavy style, seen in Doonesbury, tells a linear story, usually in comic strip format. Regardless of style, editorial cartoons are a way for artists to express their thoughts about current events in a comical manner.
A political cartoon commonly draws on two unrelated events and brings them together incongruously for humorous effect. The humor can reduce people’s political anger and so serves a useful purpose. Such a cartoon also reflects real life and politics, where a deal is often done on unrelated proposals beyond public scrutiny.


humortimes--2020-02-05--‘The Jerry Duncan Show’ is Opening in NYC, March 5-15, 2020!

Based on the column in Humor Times , “ The Jerry Duncan Show ” play runs March 5-15 , 2020 .
The Jerry Duncan Show opens at the Thirteenth Street Repertory Company , 50 West 13th Street , New York City ( Greenwich Village ) .
It was written by Dean B. Kaner and is directed by Joe John Battista .
Performances : March 5 , 6 , 7 , 12 , 13 , 14 at 7:30 pm , and March 8 , 15 at 4 pm .
Tickets on sale here , at the theater , or call ( @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expected sell-out crowds .
Jerry Duncan , 40ish , is an arrogant , bombastic , nationally syndicated radio talk show host who interviews politicians in the headlines .
Everyone from Donald Trump to Bernie Sanders ( see interviews he ’ s done in his column on this website at the links ) .
The play is a comedy that allows the audience to watch the characters say on stage what they too may think , but are afraid to say .
The characters have a comic spirit that is physical and energetic , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back and forth taunting during the radio interview .
Off the air , Jerry is an insecure nebbish .
He is single and lives alone in an apartment .
A victim of circumstance , his life has suffered from a domineering mother named Maggie , now deceased .
But she ’ s not out of his life , as we hear her talking to Jerry on stage , though not visible .
Jerry is on a journey to free himself from his past .
The show is based on play author Dean Kaner @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Order Your Tickets Here Today !
Or call ( 800 ) 838-3006 .

Based on the column in Humor Times, “The Jerry Duncan Show” opens soon in New York City.
The Jerry Duncan Show opens at the Thirteenth Street Repertory Company, 50 West 13th Street, New York City (Greenwich Village).
It was written by Dean B. Kaner and is directed by Joe John Battista. Cast members are Eric Tonken, Thami Moscovici, Paige Susan Anderson, Bobby Temple and Michael Donato.
Performances: March 5, 6, 7, 12, 13, 14 at 7:30 pm, and March 8, 15 at 4 pm.
Regular admission: $18 / Seniors & Students: $15.
Tickets on sale here, at the theater, or call (800) 838-3006. Limited seating and expected sell-out crowds.
Jerry Duncan, 40ish, is an arrogant, bombastic, nationally syndicated radio talk show host who interviews politicians in the headlines. Everyone from Donald Trump to Bernie Sanders (see interviews he’s done in his column on this website at the links). The play is a comedy that allows the audience to watch the characters say on stage what they too may think, but are afraid to say. The characters have a comic spirit that is physical and energetic, triggering emotional reactions to Jerry’s back and forth taunting during the radio interview.
Off the air, Jerry is an insecure nebbish. He is single and lives alone in an apartment. A victim of circumstance, his life has suffered from a domineering mother named Maggie, now deceased. But she’s not out of his life, as we hear her talking to Jerry on stage, though not visible. Jerry is on a journey to free himself from his past.
The show is based on play author Dean Kaner’s long-running column on this website.
Order Your Tickets Here Today! Or call (800) 838-3006.


humortimes--2020-02-06--On the Ballot: The Egalitarian Future of Our Society

This year , voters will be making fundamental decisions , like whether or not we want an egalitarian future .
With dozens of Democratic candidates having entered the presidential race ( some dropping out before you were aware they ’ d dropped in ) , with the main contenders herded into seven ( and counting ) televised debates stretching back to June , and with swarms of reporters and pundits descending on the tiniest blip in polls and on every candidate ’ s minor miscues , this campaign already feels never-ending .
But at long last , we ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ year , in addition to our decisions about candidates — and even though it ’ s not explicitly on the ballot — we voters will be making a fundamental decision about the egalitarian future of our society .
The question we face is whether we will continue the same-old , same-old politics of enriching and empowering the few at the expense of the rest of us , or whether we will pivot to implement the transformative structural changes being pushed by Sen. Bernie Sanders , Sen. Elizabeth Warren , Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
As you would expect , Trump Incorporated and his pack of sycophantic Congress critters are howl-at-the-moon opponents of “ Medicare for All , ” the wealth tax , tuition-free college and trade school , the Green New Deal , universal child care and the full package of populist policies that would begin reversing the scourge of inequality that continues spreading throughout our land .
Sadly , many of them are opposed , too .
Not grassroots Dems , of course — not the hard-hit workaday people who need these reforms .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t-rock-the-corporate-boat , fraidy-cat Democrats ( mostly old-line pols , consultants , high-dollar donors and other Washington insiders ) who ’ re presently having a collective fainting spell , declaring that Dems must abandon proposals for big systemic changes .
Why ?
Because , they exclaim , being so progressive , so plainspoken , so insistent — so , well , so Democratic — is frightening voters .
They warn that proposing major new policies to benefit everyone will let the Trumpeteers paint our candidates as scary “ socialists.
” Thus , they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ draw back to the corporate-centered , Clintonesque approach of incremental minimalism : an agenda of small , technocratic and legalistic tweaks that won ’ t disrupt the system itself .
This is the responsible path , they assure us , for winning over America ’ s moderate middle , particularly independent Republicans and white , middle-class swing voters .
Never mind that the white middle class is not by and large made up of squishy moderates but of millions of mad-as-hell , downwardly mobile middle-classers who feel abandoned by both political parties and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whole system .
Still , the pusillanimous Democratic establishment is trying to push the party ’ s candidates to surrender their progressive ideals of an egalitarian future and just tinker around the edges of actual change .
For example , rather than offering full-fledged health coverage for every man , woman and child , these minimalists say the safe political route is simply to criticize Republicans for tampering with Obamacare and leave the current profiteering system of “ corporate care ” untouched — thus leaving millions of our families with poor to zero @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disaster away from bankruptcy , most Americans are wondering why Democratic officials haven ’ t stood up for them .
Yet , a few of the party ’ s presidential hopefuls this year are spooked by the big idea of universal coverage .
It is simply a ludicrous lie that people will be scared off by candidates who propose decent health care as a right for every American .
As a November New York Times poll reported , 81 % of Democrats ( and two-thirds of independents ) support the idea of M4All @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rep. Pramila Jayapal .
Hello… apple pie doesn ’ t get an approval rating that high !
Or take Elizabeth Warren ’ s proposal for a tiny wealth tax on megafortunes above $ 50 million — a tax that would finance education , infrastructure expansion and other crucial programs to advance America ’ s common good .
It ’ s bizarre to hear a clutch of Democratic Party operatives wailing that it scares common folks when our candidates take such “ radical ” stands .
Radical ?
In The Times ’ poll , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of independents and — check this — 57 % of Republicans favored Warren ’ s tax on superfortunes .
Thank goodness such squeamish , small-ball Dems were not able to nullify big public solutions that Americans desperately needed in the past , such as the following : • Even former President Nixon ’ s Environmental Protection Agency and Occupational Safety and Health Administration .
As a South Texas saying puts it , “ A grandes males , grandes remedios ” — for big problems , get big solutions .
Obviously , our society @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inequality to climate change , are beyond huge , but how big will Democrats go in addressing these challenges ?

This year, voters will be making fundamental decisions, like whether or not we want an egalitarian future.
With dozens of Democratic candidates having entered the presidential race (some dropping out before you were aware they’d dropped in), with the main contenders herded into seven (and counting) televised debates stretching back to June, and with swarms of reporters and pundits descending on the tiniest blip in polls and on every candidate’s minor miscues, this campaign already feels never-ending. But at long last, we’re beginning what matters: voting!
This year, in addition to our decisions about candidates — and even though it’s not explicitly on the ballot — we voters will be making a fundamental decision about the egalitarian future of our society. The question we face is whether we will continue the same-old, same-old politics of enriching and empowering the few at the expense of the rest of us, or whether we will pivot to implement the transformative structural changes being pushed by Sen. Bernie Sanders, Sen. Elizabeth Warren, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and The Squad, and other progressive Democrats.
As you would expect, Trump Incorporated and his pack of sycophantic Congress critters are howl-at-the-moon opponents of “Medicare for All,” the wealth tax, tuition-free college and trade school, the Green New Deal, universal child care and the full package of populist policies that would begin reversing the scourge of inequality that continues spreading throughout our land.
But… Democrats?
Sadly, many of them are opposed, too. Not grassroots Dems, of course — not the hard-hit workaday people who need these reforms. But there’s a gaggle of don’t-rock-the-corporate-boat, fraidy-cat Democrats (mostly old-line pols, consultants, high-dollar donors and other Washington insiders) who’re presently having a collective fainting spell, declaring that Dems must abandon proposals for big systemic changes.
Why? Because, they exclaim, being so progressive, so plainspoken, so insistent — so, well, so Democratic — is frightening voters. They warn that proposing major new policies to benefit everyone will let the Trumpeteers paint our candidates as scary “socialists.” Thus, they lecture, the proper course is to draw back to the corporate-centered, Clintonesque approach of incremental minimalism: an agenda of small, technocratic and legalistic tweaks that won’t disrupt the system itself.
This is the responsible path, they assure us, for winning over America’s moderate middle, particularly independent Republicans and white, middle-class swing voters. Never mind that the white middle class is not by and large made up of squishy moderates but of millions of mad-as-hell, downwardly mobile middle-classers who feel abandoned by both political parties and would just as soon blow up the whole system.
Still, the pusillanimous Democratic establishment is trying to push the party’s candidates to surrender their progressive ideals of an egalitarian future and just tinker around the edges of actual change. For example, rather than offering full-fledged health coverage for every man, woman and child, these minimalists say the safe political route is simply to criticize Republicans for tampering with Obamacare and leave the current profiteering system of “corporate care” untouched — thus leaving millions of our families with poor to zero coverage.
With many families one medical disaster away from bankruptcy, most Americans are wondering why Democratic officials haven’t stood up for them. Yet, a few of the party’s presidential hopefuls this year are spooked by the big idea of universal coverage. It is simply a ludicrous lie that people will be scared off by candidates who propose decent health care as a right for every American. As a November New York Times poll reported, 81% of Democrats (and two-thirds of independents) support the idea of M4All legislation as proposed by Bernie Sanders and Rep. Pramila Jayapal. Hello… apple pie doesn’t get an approval rating that high!
Or take Elizabeth Warren’s proposal for a tiny wealth tax on megafortunes above $50 million — a tax that would finance education, infrastructure expansion and other crucial programs to advance America’s common good. It’s bizarre to hear a clutch of Democratic Party operatives wailing that it scares common folks when our candidates take such “radical” stands. Radical? In The Times’ poll, 77% of Democrats, 55% of independents and — check this — 57% of Republicans favored Warren’s tax on superfortunes.
Thank goodness such squeamish, small-ball Dems were not able to nullify big public solutions that Americans desperately needed in the past, such as the following:
President Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s Social Security, labor protections and farm security measures.
Former President Ike Eisenhower’s interstate highway infrastructure.
Former President Lyndon B. Johnson’s civil rights, Medicare, Title IX and anti-poverty programs.
Even former President Nixon’s Environmental Protection Agency and Occupational Safety and Health Administration.
As a South Texas saying puts it, “A grandes males, grandes remedios” — for big problems, get big solutions. Obviously, our society’s problems today, from rampant inequality to climate change, are beyond huge, but how big will Democrats go in addressing these challenges?


Heaven’s Gate Estates

Exclusive : Leaked copy of rejection letter to President Trump from Heaven ’ s Gate Estates .
Receipt is acknowledged of your application for admittance to our new Heaven ’ s Gate Estates project .
Thank you for the edible fruit arrangement ; however , we are unable to accept any gift that might be construed as a bribe .
Unfortunately , our celestial board has rejected your application .
Notwithstanding your claims to be “ a stable genius ” and “ the greatest President of all time , ” your earthly record did not meet our rigorous standards .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ not a guarantee of admittance especially when the extent of that wealth has been greatly exaggerated .
As we often joke here , it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven ’ s Gate .
Rest assured that we gave your application all due consideration .
We conducted a thorough investigation based on our ten-point assessment guide or what some here have dubbed the ten commandments .
We don ’ t expect a perfect score , of course @ @ @ @ @ @ @ residents meet at least a minimal standard .
In that regard , we regret to inform you that you did not meet even that low threshold .
It appears that you worship other deities including fame , mammon and yourself .
Some say that you take the name of our CEO in vain and that you do not keep the Sabbath day holy .
Please note that a round of golf does not qualify .
It looks like you honored your parents although taking large sums of money from your father is not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s no indication that you killed anyone notwithstanding your boast that you could do so with impunity .
Item six of what we call our Decalogue was perhaps the most troublesome .
Our investigative team discovered numerous instances of adultery including one time with an adult film star while your wife was caring for your infant son .
I ’ m afraid that items seven and ten were also not in your favor .
Stiffing suppliers and contractors , hiding behind repeated bankruptcies and evading income tax all count as theft @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , despite your protestations , can not be dismissed simply as “ fake news.
” Speaking of fake news , you have also borne false witness against numerous neighbors including repeated lying and bullying .
As for coveting your neighbor ’ s wife , I think your claim of grabbing women by the genitals tells us all we need to know on that score .
As for scores , as I said , we ’ re not looking for perfection but , at a bare minimum , we like to see a passing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fifty percent .
Sadly , you have fallen far short of that mark .
We appreciate that you have included several glowing letters of reference .
However , V. Putin , K. Jong-un and R. Giuliani do not appear on our list of approved referees .
You can always reapply at a later date although it appears that you have a lot of work to do to burnish your reputation especially in light of your recent impeachment .
We are not suggesting moving to our competitor ’ s Hades residential development but we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a bit lower .
For now , you might want to consider applying at Purgatory Condos .
They are perfectly adequate facilities for as many millennia as you need although you should note that there is no golf course .
We wish you the best of luck in your afterlife real estate search and remain

Exclusive: Leaked copy of rejection letter to President Trump from Heaven’s Gate Estates.
Dear Mr. Trump:
Receipt is acknowledged of your application for admittance to our new Heaven’s Gate Estates project. Thank you for the edible fruit arrangement; however, we are unable to accept any gift that might be construed as a bribe.
Unfortunately, our celestial board has rejected your application. Notwithstanding your claims to be “a stable genius” and “the greatest President of all time,” your earthly record did not meet our rigorous standards.
“Extreme wealth” per se is not a guarantee of admittance especially when the extent of that wealth has been greatly exaggerated. As we often joke here, it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to get into Heaven’s Gate.
Rest assured that we gave your application all due consideration. We conducted a thorough investigation based on our ten-point assessment guide or what some here have dubbed the ten commandments.
We don’t expect a perfect score, of course, but we do ask that potential residents meet at least a minimal standard. In that regard, we regret to inform you that you did not meet even that low threshold.
It appears that you worship other deities including fame, mammon and yourself. Some say that you take the name of our CEO in vain and that you do not keep the Sabbath day holy. Please note that a round of golf does not qualify.
It looks like you honored your parents although taking large sums of money from your father is not really that honorable. In fairness, there’s no indication that you killed anyone notwithstanding your boast that you could do so with impunity.
Item six of what we call our Decalogue was perhaps the most troublesome. Our investigative team discovered numerous instances of adultery including one time with an adult film star while your wife was caring for your infant son.
I’m afraid that items seven and ten were also not in your favor. Stiffing suppliers and contractors, hiding behind repeated bankruptcies and evading income tax all count as theft here at Heaven’s Gate and, despite your protestations, cannot be dismissed simply as “fake news.”
Speaking of fake news, you have also borne false witness against numerous neighbors including repeated lying and bullying. As for coveting your neighbor’s wife, I think your claim of grabbing women by the genitals tells us all we need to know on that score.
As for scores, as I said, we’re not looking for perfection but, at a bare minimum, we like to see a passing grade of five out of ten or fifty percent. Sadly, you have fallen far short of that mark.
We appreciate that you have included several glowing letters of reference. However, V. Putin, K. Jong-un and R. Giuliani do not appear on our list of approved referees.
You can always reapply at a later date although it appears that you have a lot of work to do to burnish your reputation especially in light of your recent impeachment. We are not suggesting moving to our competitor’s Hades residential development but we do urge you to set your sights a bit lower.
For now, you might want to consider applying at Purgatory Condos. They are perfectly adequate facilities for as many millennia as you need although you should note that there is no golf course.
We wish you the best of luck in your afterlife real estate search and remain
Eternally yours,
St. Peter


humortimes--2020-02-07--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews The Ship of Fools

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Mitch McConnell and Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz , captains of “ The Ship of Fools.
” Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guests are Senator Mitch “ Turtle ” McConnell and Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz , of what we lovingly call “ The Ship of Fools.
” Turtles rule , Duncan .
I got the president acquitted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everyone knows he ’ s guilty as hell .
Ha ha ha .
The zoo just called .
There ’ s an amber alert out for you .
Maybe I better hide in my shell .
In honor of our victory , I brought a bottle of wine .
Your loss .
Here Mitch , let me pour you a glass .
Mine is filled to the brim .
( takes a gulp ) This stuff tastes nasty .
What brand is it ?
It ’ s an open bottle from my Bar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a special occasion .
Duncan .
I may pass out .
I ’ m light headed and nauseous .
The president to the rescue .
Wait a second , I ’ m withholding help .
Turtle couldn ’ t control Senator Mitt Romney .
I did nothing wrong .
As Dershy said , I can do anything I want as long as it is in the national interest .
And getting dirt on a political opponent from a foreign government is in our national interest ?
I asked Putin if that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ green .
Only in Brooklyn are turtles black and blue .
And that ’ s because idiots like you played stickball with their shells , Dershy .
Okay .
Call the vet .
Who cares ?
I came here to make a major announcement .
Since I can do what I want with no repercussions , I ’ m going to arrest all the Democrats in Congress and Mitt Romney .
Hard labor in the slammer .
They ’ ll be wearing orange jumpsuits , clearing brush and filling potholes on the highways @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Thank you Alan Dershowitz for making this all possible .
Will I get my own show on Fox ?
Do you know the most famous Los Angeles Dodger ?
Yes .
You do .
I really don ’ t .
Tell me .
Look !
Turtle is getting up .
Someone get me some lettuce .
I ’ m starving .
Listen to these knuckleheads .
The difference between a car and a Republican is you get to test drive a car .
See you tomorrow .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Mitch McConnell and Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz, captains of “The Ship of Fools.”
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Senator Mitch “Turtle” McConnell and Defense Attorney Alan Dershowitz, of what we lovingly call “The Ship of Fools.”
JERRY
Good morning, Turtle.
SENATOR MITCH MCCONNELL
Turtles rule, Duncan. I got the president acquitted in the Senate Impeachment Trial. And everyone knows he’s guilty as hell. Ha ha ha.
JERRY
The zoo just called. There’s an amber alert out for you.
See ‘The Jerry Duncan Show’ live! Opening in NYC, March 5-15, 2020.
MCCONNELL
Maybe I better hide in my shell.
ALAN DERSHOWITZ
In honor of our victory, I brought a bottle of wine.
JERRY
I don’t drink wine. Real men like beer.
DERSHOWITZ
Your loss. Here Mitch, let me pour you a glass. Mine is filled to the brim.
MCCONNELL
Thank you, Dershy.
DERSHOWITZ
(they clink glasses)
L’Chaim.
MCCONNELL
Mayim Bialik to you.
MCCONNELL
(takes a gulp) This stuff tastes nasty. What brand is it?
DERSHOWITZ
Manischewitz.
MCCONNELL
Maniwhatich?
DERSHOWITZ
It’s an open bottle from my Bar Mitzvah. I was saving it for a special occasion.
MCCONNELL
Duncan. I may pass out. I’m light headed and nauseous.
DERSHOWITZ
Call his veterinarian!
Donald Trump bursts through the studio door.
DONALD TRUMP
The president to the rescue. Wait a second, I’m withholding help. Turtle couldn’t control Senator Mitt Romney. I did nothing wrong. As Dershy said, I can do anything I want as long as it is in the national interest.
JERRY
And getting dirt on a political opponent from a foreign government is in our national interest?
TRUMP
I asked Putin if that’s okay. He agreed.
DERSHOWITZ
The Turtle looks green. I feel awful.
JERRY
Turtles are green. Only in Brooklyn are turtles black and blue. And that’s because idiots like you played stickball with their shells, Dershy.
TRUMP
Okay. Call the vet. Who cares? I came here to make a major announcement.
JERRY
Go ahead, Trumpster.
TRUMP
Since I can do what I want with no repercussions, I’m going to arrest all the Democrats in Congress and Mitt Romney. Hard labor in the slammer. They’ll be wearing orange jumpsuits, clearing brush and filling potholes on the highways. Our infrastructure will finally be built. Thank you Alan Dershowitz for making this all possible.
DERSHOWITZ
Will I get my own show on Fox?
TRUMP
Fake news. Oops.
JERRY
Dershy. You’re a baseball fan.
DERSHOWITZ
Big time.
JERRY
Do you know the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
DERSHOWITZ
No.
JERRY
Yes. You do.
DERSHOWITZ
I really don’t. Tell me.
JERRY
O.J. Simpson.
DERSHOWITZ
Look! Turtle is getting up.
MCCONNELL
Someone get me some lettuce. I’m starving.
TRUMP
Drain the swamp in 2020.
MCCONNELL
No, Trumpster. I’ll lose my home.
JERRY
Listen to these knuckleheads. The difference between a car and a Republican is you get to test drive a car. See you tomorrow.


humortimes--2020-02-08--The Academy Awards Goes to Washington

The Academy Awards Goes to Washington


humortimes--2020-02-08--News of the Future: Trump’s Second Impeachment

After he shot a man in cold blood on 5th Avenue in New York last week , a second impeachment of Donald Trump has commenced .
For the second time in the long tenure of his so-called Presidency , President Trump has been called into question via an impeachment process .
The difference this time , however , is that this second impeachment has been put into play by a force outside the legislative branch of the U.S. government .
The until-recently-unknown group “ Americans for a More Decent America ” have twisted the arm of legislators in the U.S. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The new impeachment is centered around the fact that President Trump shot a man in cold blood on 5th Avenue in New York last week .
Police were prohibited from arresting the President because Trump cited his “ right ” by Article II that he can shoot anyone he wants , and also by having “ won the first impeachment , ” he can now do anything he wants .
Or , as stated by one of hi ardent legions of followers — “ He kan do anythin ’ becuze he is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Disillusioned Democrats are now turning the wheels on a new impeachment process but are not happy to be involved in it .
“ The last one scalded our butts bad and we ended up inadvertently giving ‘ The Teflon Don ’ even more power than he had before .
He and his fan base now think he is God , and this proves it.
” The shooting victim ( we are not allowed by the Trump Media Act of 2020 to use the word ‘ assassinated ’ because ‘ The Don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him ) has not been identified because the body was immediately hauled away by Secret Service men who are not allowing the police to examine the body .
The press was told that it is now “ Presidential property.
” Many believe the body was disposed of by Saudi nationals who are expert in “ evidence elimination ” and who have suddenly been allowed to work in the U.S. , having joined the ranks of the Secret Service after Trump ’ s re-election win in 2020 .
The Don had this to say @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : “ These boys really know how to get a job done .
They have considerable experience under their belts .
I think we will work great together , even though they are Arabs.
” Already Trump ’ s Dream Team of lawyers , who saved his hide during the first impeachment trial , have been sounding off their rationale for not allowing the second impeachment trial to begin with .
“ It would be a waste of taxpayer money.
” “ The President is protected by the Second amendment — he can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ man was probably a terrorist to begin with.
” “ The liberals are just trying to undermine his Presidency.
” “ It is nobodies business what actions He takes , He is the head of our nation.
” “ It is doubted that the man was an American to begin with.
” “ The Democrats are just getting uppity again.
” Etcetera , etcetara , etcetera… Having already drawn up the Articles of Impeachment much quicker that they did the first time , the House went through the formal process of delivering them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the official and historic walk over to the Senate , a band of masked and black suited individuals in an unidentified van managed strangely to break through security and beat the deliverers senseless and bloody with batons and clubs before they were even halfway there .
The attackers then grabbed the documents and drove off , again strangely without security or the Secret Service stopping them .
The Teflon Don has begun boasting about how he is going to beat the rap again .
“ I have made the House so impotent that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if they had to .
”

After he shot a man in cold blood on 5th Avenue in New York last week, a second impeachment of Donald Trump has commenced.
For the second time in the long tenure of his so-called Presidency, President Trump has been called into question via an impeachment process. The difference this time, however, is that this second impeachment has been put into play by a force outside the legislative branch of the U.S. government. The until-recently-unknown group “Americans for a More Decent America” have twisted the arm of legislators in the U.S. to bring the oft-errant President to heel.
The new impeachment is centered around the fact that President Trump shot a man in cold blood on 5th Avenue in New York last week.
Police were prohibited from arresting the President because Trump cited his “right” by Article II that he can shoot anyone he wants, and also by having “won the first impeachment,” he can now do anything he wants.
Or, as stated by one of hi ardent legions of followers — “He kan do anythin’ becuze he is the Prasident, DUH!!!”
Disillusioned Democrats are now turning the wheels on a new impeachment process but are not happy to be involved in it. “The last one scalded our butts bad and we ended up inadvertently giving ‘The Teflon Don’ even more power than he had before. He and his fan base now think he is God, and this proves it.”
The shooting victim (we are not allowed by the Trump Media Act of 2020 to use the word ‘assassinated’ because ‘The Don’ says it shows a liberal prejudice against him) has not been identified because the body was immediately hauled away by Secret Service men who are not allowing the police to examine the body.
The press was told that it is now “Presidential property.” Many believe the body was disposed of by Saudi nationals who are expert in “evidence elimination” and who have suddenly been allowed to work in the U.S., having joined the ranks of the Secret Service after Trump’s re-election win in 2020. The Don had this to say about the newly immigrated and integrated Saudis: “These boys really know how to get a job done. They have considerable experience under their belts. I think we will work great together, even though they are Arabs.”
Already Trump’s Dream Team of lawyers, who saved his hide during the first impeachment trial, have been sounding off their rationale for not allowing the second impeachment trial to begin with. “It would be a waste of taxpayer money.” “The President is protected by the Second amendment — he can shoot anyone he wants.” “The man was probably a terrorist to begin with.” “The liberals are just trying to undermine his Presidency.” “It is nobodies business what actions He takes, He is the head of our nation.” “It is doubted that the man was an American to begin with.” “The Democrats are just getting uppity again.” Etcetera, etcetara, etcetera…
Having already drawn up the Articles of Impeachment much quicker that they did the first time, the House went through the formal process of delivering them to the Senate. However, during the official and historic walk over to the Senate, a band of masked and black suited individuals in an unidentified van managed strangely to break through security and beat the deliverers senseless and bloody with batons and clubs before they were even halfway there. The attackers then grabbed the documents and drove off, again strangely without security or the Secret Service stopping them.
The Teflon Don has begun boasting about how he is going to beat the rap again. “I have made the House so impotent that they couldn’t procreate a cold if they had to.”