humortimes--2020-12-02--Are You Suffering from Trump Withdrawal Syndrome?

The following is an urgent bulletin from the CDC for those suffering from Trump Withdrawal Syndrome : In the midst of the current pandemic , it ’ s easy to forget other potential health issues which are more limited in scope .
In particular , we are today warning about a serious matter potentially affecting hundreds of individuals : Trump Withdrawal Syndrome .
Trump Withdrawal Syndrome or TWS can affect anyone but is most worrisome in the case of political satirists , particularly those heavily addicted to Donald J. Trump .
These individuals have been relying almost exclusively on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for their humor writing .
For the last five years , this addiction has not been a significant societal problem since those affected had an ample supply of material and the wealth of Trump-related satire did not typically interfere with a user ’ s ability to function .
But with the impending inauguration of a new president , there is a serious risk of affected writers running out of subject matter and experiencing Trump Withdrawal Syndrome .
It is anticipated that on or after January 20th , there will be a dramatic drop-off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ severe withdrawal symptoms .
Many political satirists appear to be in denial and have failed to plan for the upcoming decrease in the supply chain .
This is particularly dangerous given the unexpected increase in Trump-related inspiration that has occurred in the pre-Inauguration period .
Many humorists are doubling down on their Trump-themed production heedless of what is going to happen post-Inauguration .
If you know a political satirist or there ’ s one in your family , now is the time to take steps to help them transition from a Trump-filled universe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inspirations .
It ’ s often difficult for the addict to see the problem clearly since the current supply is bountiful and of a very high quality leading the addict to assume such will always be the case .
Try to get the satirist to recognize the situation and to cut back on written production related to The Donald .
Suggest that instead of a daily Trump piece , they produce one every other day and then cut back from there .
For particularly stubborn cases , we suggest the writer alternate Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – i.e .
– political satire based on the doings of someone like Joe Biden .
For hardcore addicts , try getting them to write serious commentary pieces instead .
Remind addicts that vigilance and willpower will be necessary even in the post-Inaugural era .
After all , Donald Trump will still be around doing and saying all manner of crazy things .
However , his influence will quickly wane so if satirists can hang tough and not touch the Trump stuff for the coming months , there ’ s an excellent chance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ support of friends , family and the non-Trump satirical community , Trump Withdrawal Syndrome can be survived and a sense of political normalcy can be achieved .
Remember , though , that TWS is particularly nasty and very difficult to endure .
Being hooked on Trump satire is in a league of its own .
Writers who managed to go through Bush Withdrawal Syndrome in 2009 may think that TWS won ’ t be any harder but they are mistaken .
Trump Withdrawal Syndrome includes tears , anxiety and nausea and may take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the withdrawal process is worth it as the addict can hopefully regain his or her normal life .
As yet , we don ’ t have any statistics on the recidivism rate although we expect to know more come the 2024 presidential campaign .

The following is an urgent bulletin from the CDC for those suffering from Trump Withdrawal Syndrome:
The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Bulletin No. 2020-11-29
RE: Trump Withdrawal Syndrome warning
In the midst of the current pandemic, it’s easy to forget other potential health issues which are more limited in scope. In particular, we are today warning about a serious matter potentially affecting hundreds of individuals: Trump Withdrawal Syndrome.
Trump Withdrawal Syndrome or TWS can affect anyone but is most worrisome in the case of political satirists, particularly those heavily addicted to Donald J. Trump. These individuals have been relying almost exclusively on the words and deeds of the 45th president for their humor writing.
For the last five years, this addiction has not been a significant societal problem since those affected had an ample supply of material and the wealth of Trump-related satire did not typically interfere with a user’s ability to function. But with the impending inauguration of a new president, there is a serious risk of affected writers running out of subject matter and experiencing Trump Withdrawal Syndrome.
It is anticipated that on or after January 20th, there will be a dramatic drop-off in Trump-related material to satirize leading to severe withdrawal symptoms. Many political satirists appear to be in denial and have failed to plan for the upcoming decrease in the supply chain.
This is particularly dangerous given the unexpected increase in Trump-related inspiration that has occurred in the pre-Inauguration period. Many humorists are doubling down on their Trump-themed production heedless of what is going to happen post-Inauguration.
If you know a political satirist or there’s one in your family, now is the time to take steps to help them transition from a Trump-filled universe to a world almost devoid of Trumpian inspirations. It’s often difficult for the addict to see the problem clearly since the current supply is bountiful and of a very high quality leading the addict to assume such will always be the case.
Try to get the satirist to recognize the situation and to cut back on written production related to The Donald. Suggest that instead of a daily Trump piece, they produce one every other day and then cut back from there.
For particularly stubborn cases, we suggest the writer alternate Trump pieces with the satirical equivalent of methadone – i.e. – political satire based on the doings of someone like Joe Biden. For hardcore addicts, try getting them to write serious commentary pieces instead.
Remind addicts that vigilance and willpower will be necessary even in the post-Inaugural era. After all, Donald Trump will still be around doing and saying all manner of crazy things. However, his influence will quickly wane so if satirists can hang tough and not touch the Trump stuff for the coming months, there’s an excellent chance they can get clean.
With the support of friends, family and the non-Trump satirical community, Trump Withdrawal Syndrome can be survived and a sense of political normalcy can be achieved. Remember, though, that TWS is particularly nasty and very difficult to endure.
Being hooked on Trump satire is in a league of its own. Writers who managed to go through Bush Withdrawal Syndrome in 2009 may think that TWS won’t be any harder but they are mistaken. Trump Withdrawal Syndrome includes tears, anxiety and nausea and may take months to shake.
In the end, the withdrawal process is worth it as the addict can hopefully regain his or her normal life. As yet, we don’t have any statistics on the recidivism rate although we expect to know more come the 2024 presidential campaign.


humortimes--2020-12-04--GOOD THINGS That Happened Under Trump’s Watch: Top 10

Besides bragging about his ‘ massive dumps ’ – Turns out , Trump really does have a Legacy !
It ’ s hard to believe , but true – Trump ’ s done some good things , and does have some pluses on his presidential ledger !
That ’ s why I had to write a Top Ten after reading that Donald J. Trump won The Guiness World ’ s Records of ‘ LIES IN ONE DAY ’ – well , second only to Hitler when he postponed a Picnic during a Blitzrieg !
10 .
He kept more Psychotherapists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Millions of Americans got educated – yeah , more people looked up the word ‘ Narcissism ’ !
8 .
You ’ ve got to admit he saved lives – he pardoned 4 Turkeys on 4 Thanksgivings !
7 .
He saved Taxpayer ’ s money by using his ‘ Bed , Bath & Beyond ’ Coupon for a Butt Loofah !
6 .
In his honor – he influenced the new improved Cognitive Tests – instead of an easy Elephant – it ’ s now an impossible Aardvark !
5 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ 3 am this morning , he used his Sharpie & corrected all the mistakes in the Constitution !
4 .
Give him his props – he saved ‘ duped voters ’ money – by not demanding an election recount of the remaining 46 States !
3 .
Out of his own pocket , he gave his retiring Attorney General a Gold Watch inscribed – “ Et tu Barr ” ?
2 .
Saving our country a lot of angst , confetti & funeral expenses – his life was spared thank G-d – by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Walter Reed & his bullet proof Codpiece !
He finally got Melania what she demanded – a Pardon , a Name Change application & a one-way trip with the Space Force !

Besides bragging about his ‘massive dumps’ – Turns out, Trump really does have a Legacy!
It’s hard to believe, but true – Trump’s done some good things, and does have some pluses on his presidential ledger!
That’s why I had to write a Top Ten after reading that Donald J. Trump won The Guiness World’s Records of ‘LIES IN ONE DAY’ – well, second only to Hitler when he postponed a Picnic during a Blitzrieg!
“Good Things that Happened Under Trump’s Watch” Top 10
10. He kept more Psychotherapists in business – especially mine!
9. Millions of Americans got educated – yeah, more people looked up the word ‘Narcissism’!
8. You’ve got to admit he saved lives – he pardoned 4 Turkeys on 4 Thanksgivings!
7. He saved Taxpayer’s money by using his ‘Bed, Bath & Beyond’ Coupon for a Butt Loofah!
6. In his honor – he influenced the new improved Cognitive Tests – instead of an easy Elephant – it’s now an impossible Aardvark!
5. He worked overtime for us! At 3 am this morning, he used his Sharpie & corrected all the mistakes in the Constitution!
4. Give him his props – he saved ‘duped voters’ money – by not demanding an election recount of the remaining 46 States!
3. Out of his own pocket, he gave his retiring Attorney General a Gold Watch inscribed – “Et tu Barr”?
2. Saving our country a lot of angst, confetti & funeral expenses – his life was spared thank G-d – by his Food Taster, the Docs at Walter Reed & his bullet proof Codpiece!
And #1…
He finally got Melania what she demanded – a Pardon, a Name Change application & a one-way trip with the Space Force!


humortimes--2020-12-08--Coups d’État for Dummies

Coups d’État for Dummies

Just in time for the election overthrow season , it ’ s the new book , “ Coups d ’ État for Dummies ” !
Welcome and thank you for buying Coups d ’ État for Dummies .
If you ’ re in the market for a coup , a putsch or a revolt , you ’ ve come to the right place ; this book has everything you need to start a governmental overthrow .
First things first ; you have to find a nation state with a weak or convoluted political structure .
For example , look for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ leader by popular vote uses some bizarre indirect method with guaranteed inequitable results .
If you ’ re lucky , you can use that shaky structure as your lead-in to a revolution .
Adopting an autocratic persona may allow you to convince enough naive voters to get you elected head of state notwithstanding you may receive fewer votes than your opponent .
Such a move is faster and cheaper than the traditional overthrow method which involves enlisting a country ’ s military and engaging in expensive and often protracted armed maneuvers .
Remember @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expensive than armed insurrections .
However you obtain power , it is essential that you then lay the groundwork for an eventual dictatorial overthrow of the existing government structure .
Oftentimes , you will be obliged to engage in a second electoral round before you can consolidate your power and eliminate any such nuisance mechanisms .
If you win the second round , that ’ s great .
You can use your next term to undermine , remove and replace any remaining democratic safeguards .
If , however , you somehow slip up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will have to adopt a different approach , namely questioning and undermining the legitimacy of the state ’ s voting structure .
But don ’ t wait until you ’ re in a second election campaign ; start badmouthing the system as soon as you first take power .
That way , it will come as no surprise to voters when you raise this issue after your unsuccessful re-election campaign .
Don ’ t forget to enlist friends , family and politicians in your coup attempt .
Ideally , you ’ ll want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to urge the public to follow suit .
At the very least , ensure that they don ’ t question your approach and agree to let things “ play out ” for as long as it takes .
You ’ ll also need a team of lawyers to overwhelm whatever court system is in place with a blizzard of legal actions .
Stacking the courts with your own judicial appointments can also be of great assistance .
Be sure to carefully investigate all the ins and outs of your country ’ s voting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ against you doesn ’ t mean that there isn ’ t some obscure workaround that will allow you to overturn those results .
For example , believe it or not , one nation ’ s constitutional structure apparently allows a state legislature to substitute its result for that of the voting public .
You might be surprised at how effective the application of a little political muscle can be in getting lower level legislators to do your bidding .
Note that a heavily armed citizenry in your nation state may be a distinct @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a large number of homegrown militias .
Note , too , that key to being a future autocrat is your ability to manipulate and subvert the media .
That way , with any luck , you can sway a sizable portion of the public into an almost cult-like state of mind .
Finally , once you have successfully achieved your desired coup , all that ’ s left is the division of the spoils among friends and family .
That and the adoption of whatever new title you deem appropriate be it King @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Führer .

Just in time for the election overthrow season, it’s the new book, “Coups d’État for Dummies”!
Welcome and thank you for buying Coups d’État for Dummies. If you’re in the market for a coup, a putsch or a revolt, you’ve come to the right place; this book has everything you need to start a governmental overthrow.
First things first; you have to find a nation state with a weak or convoluted political structure. For example, look for a country that instead of electing its leader by popular vote uses some bizarre indirect method with guaranteed inequitable results.
If you’re lucky, you can use that shaky structure as your lead-in to a revolution. Adopting an autocratic persona may allow you to convince enough naive voters to get you elected head of state notwithstanding you may receive fewer votes than your opponent.
Such a move is faster and cheaper than the traditional overthrow method which involves enlisting a country’s military and engaging in expensive and often protracted armed maneuvers. Remember; coups by vote are always less expensive than armed insurrections.
However you obtain power, it is essential that you then lay the groundwork for an eventual dictatorial overthrow of the existing government structure. Oftentimes, you will be obliged to engage in a second electoral round before you can consolidate your power and eliminate any such nuisance mechanisms.
If you win the second round, that’s great. You can use your next term to undermine, remove and replace any remaining democratic safeguards.
If, however, you somehow slip up and fail to achieve re-election, you will have to adopt a different approach, namely questioning and undermining the legitimacy of the state’s voting structure.
But don’t wait until you’re in a second election campaign; start badmouthing the system as soon as you first take power. That way, it will come as no surprise to voters when you raise this issue after your unsuccessful re-election campaign.
Don’t forget to enlist friends, family and politicians in your coup attempt. Ideally, you’ll want them to eagerly support your position and to urge the public to follow suit. At the very least, ensure that they don’t question your approach and agree to let things “play out” for as long as it takes.
You’ll also need a team of lawyers to overwhelm whatever court system is in place with a blizzard of legal actions. Stacking the courts with your own judicial appointments can also be of great assistance.
Be sure to carefully investigate all the ins and outs of your country’s voting process. Just because the votes are against you doesn’t mean that there isn’t some obscure workaround that will allow you to overturn those results.
For example, believe it or not, one nation’s constitutional structure apparently allows a state legislature to substitute its result for that of the voting public. You might be surprised at how effective the application of a little political muscle can be in getting lower level legislators to do your bidding.
Note that a heavily armed citizenry in your nation state may be a distinct advantage particularly where your citizens have formed a large number of homegrown militias. Note, too, that key to being a future autocrat is your ability to manipulate and subvert the media. That way, with any luck, you can sway a sizable portion of the public into an almost cult-like state of mind.
Finally, once you have successfully achieved your desired coup, all that’s left is the division of the spoils among friends and family. That and the adoption of whatever new title you deem appropriate be it King, Emperor, Il Duce or der Führer.


humortimes--2020-12-08--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President-Elect Joe Biden and Jill Biden

Wherein our intrepid talk show host interviews President-elect Joe Biden and his wife Jill .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guests are President-elect Joe Biden and his wife Jill .
Let me pretend to give you a hug now that you ’ re live streaming the podcast .
So does Batman .
Hey , it took you three times to become president .
What happened @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dukakis in 1988 .
Here ’ s the deal .
He ’ s been the same height , shoe size and clothing size since 6th grade .
It works in the Land of Oz , not America .
Little Mikey was trounced in the election .
2008 .
Hillary Clinton aced you out of the nomination .
There ’ s an old saying .
Sometimes you have to flush the toilet twice .
She lost , too .
My husband won this year in a landslide with 306 electoral votes to Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ proud of him .
Rigged my ass .
Coming from the man whose Trump 2020 sign on lawns was the scariest thing on Halloween this year .
Trump is delusional .
Every lawsuit he ’ s initiated against the swing states has been tossed out by the courts .
( yells ) You lost buddy !
!
Take your ball and go home .
Isn ’ t she something , Jerry ?
The woman taught people with emotional disabilities at a psychiatric hospital .
We have connections .
Can get Trump a room @ @ @ @ @ @ @ There is something that surprised me .
You were married before you met Joe .
Yes .
I was young and foolish .
Got married when I was 19 .
Did some modeling , went to college .
Divorced after 5 years .
I graduated from the University of Delaware and went to work in Joe ’ s Senate Office .
But he found me , not the other way around .
I was in the Senate rest room .
There was a message written in magic marker on the stall .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ call Jill ( 302 ) 545-5276.
” And I did .
Two years later we were married .
She ’ s a wonderful mother , lifelong educator and proud military mom .
Trump can ’ t say the same about his wife Melanoma .
I mean Bologna , Pneumonia .
Shucks…Melania .
What ’ s she done in 4 years ?
Excuse me , Bidens .
It ’ s First Lady Melania Trump on the line .
No good morning .
I here to defend self .
And stupid husband !
In 4 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do .
Send 2000 Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo of me to monks in Tibet .
I look into eyes of Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau and hope husband become vegetable .
I teach Slovenian to son Barron in case husband deport us .
Now I very busy going over divorce papers with attorney .
Well , you are moving out of the White House on January 19 .
Earlier .
That ’ s the deal .
We need to fumigate the place .
Lots of smells from McDonald ’ s and KFC .
That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some dirty Depend diapers in the Oval Office .
I give two reason for husband mess .
Number 1 and Number 2 .
As a present to new president and first lady , I write poem .
Did you plagiarize it from Michelle Obama ?
Joe and Jill went up Capital Hill to give Mitch McConnell makeover .
Jill turn around and break Mitch ’ s crown .
Now he need root canal and new face .
Beautiful poem .
Should be in a landfill .
I leave now .
I hope all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk show host interviews President-elect Joe Biden and his wife Jill.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are President-elect Joe Biden and his wife Jill.
PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE BIDEN
Let me pretend to give you a hug now that you’re live streaming the podcast.
JERRY
That looks bad. It’s COVID.
JOE
But I wear a mask.
JERRY
So does Batman. Hey, it took you three times to become president. What happened?
JOE
The party picked Massachusetts Governor Michael Dukakis in 1988. Here’s the deal. He’s been the same height, shoe size and clothing size since 6th grade. It works in the Land of Oz, not America. Little Mikey was trounced in the election.
JERRY
2008. Hillary Clinton aced you out of the nomination.
JOE
There’s an old saying. Sometimes you have to flush the toilet twice. She lost, too.
JILL BIDEN
My husband won this year in a landslide with 306 electoral votes to Trump’s 232. I’m so proud of him.
JERRY
Donald Trump claimed the election was rigged.
JILL
Rigged my ass. Coming from the man whose Trump 2020 sign on lawns was the scariest thing on Halloween this year. Trump is delusional. Every lawsuit he’s initiated against the swing states has been tossed out by the courts. (yells) You lost buddy!! Take your ball and go home.
JOE
Isn’t she something, Jerry? The woman taught people with emotional disabilities at a psychiatric hospital. We have connections. Can get Trump a room, no questions asked.
JERRY
Jill. There is something that surprised me. You were married before you met Joe.
JILL
Yes. I was young and foolish. Got married when I was 19. Did some modeling, went to college. Divorced after 5 years.
JERRY
Then what?
JILL
I graduated from the University of Delaware and went to work in Joe’s Senate Office. But he found me, not the other way around.
JERRY
What the dilly-o?
JOE
I was in the Senate rest room. There was a message written in magic marker on the stall. It said, “For a good time call Jill (302)545-5276.” And I did.
JILL
Two years later we were married.
JOE
She’s a wonderful mother, lifelong educator and proud military mom. Trump can’t say the same about his wife Melanoma. I mean Bologna, Pneumonia. Shucks…Melania. What’s she done in 4 years?
Melania Trump calls into the show.
JERRY
Excuse me, Bidens. It’s First Lady Melania Trump on the line.
JERRY
Good morning.
MELANIA TRUMP
No good morning. I here to defend self. And stupid husband! In 4 year, here’s what I do. Send 2000 Sports Illustrated swimsuit photo of me to monks in Tibet. I look into eyes of Canadian Prime Minister Trudeau and hope husband become vegetable. I teach Slovenian to son Barron in case husband deport us. Now I very busy going over divorce papers with attorney.
JERRY
Well, you are moving out of the White House on January 19.
JOE
Earlier. That’s the deal. We need to fumigate the place. Lots of smells from McDonald’s and KFC.
JILL
That’s not all. Housekeeping found some dirty Depend diapers in the Oval Office.
MELANIA
I give two reason for husband mess. Number 1 and Number 2. As a present to new president and first lady, I write poem.
JOE
Did you plagiarize it from Michelle Obama?
MELANIA
No, Sleepy. I write myself.
JERRY
Please read it.
MELANIA
Joe and Jill went up Capital Hill to give Mitch McConnell makeover. Jill turn around and break Mitch’s crown. Now he need root canal and new face.
JERRY
Beautiful poem. Should be in a landfill.
MELANIA
I leave now. I hope all of you break leg…arm, back and…
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-12-08--Funnies Farrago Meets Herb Mignery, Cowboy Cartoonist

“ Cowboy cartoonist ” Herb Mignery is also a master of drawing horses .
I went to a local “ postcard and paper ” show a few months ago .
And , as always , I hope to find a long-neglected treasure among the “ paper.
” The postcards are intriguing and I usually buy a few by the irrepressible Ray Walters .
But “ paper ” is mostly magazines and books , and this time , I found a genuine treasure — an entire book of cowboy cartoons by Herb Mignery , who could draw cartoon horses like nobody @ @ @ @ @ @ @ subject is the modern day cowboy , so pickup trucks figure in the visual material as well as horses .
I ’ m attaching a gallery of examples culled from the book .
Herb Mignery was born November 7 , 1937 in Nebraska and raised on his family ’ s working cattle ranch near Bartlett .
The Mignerys had worked that ranch for a hundred years .
Herb drew from an early age and kept right on with it .
After college , he worked as an illustrator in the U.S. Army , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was up , he returned to Nebraska and worked as a commercial artist for Cornhusker Press .
He also did freelance work for True West magazine and a couple of advertising agencies .
In 1968 , he started doing an annual cartoon calendar called Cowtoons .
Dick Spencer , the publisher of Western Horseman magazine , says of Mignery and his work : “ Herb has been there .
It shows in his work , and the folks who laugh the longest and the loudest at his cartoons are those who have lived @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of humor .
It ’ s a tough enough life with it , and almost unbearable without it.
” In many of his cartoons , Mignery used a lanky big-foot character named Clyde , who , says Baxter Black , the cowboy poet and philosopher , “ is the workaday cowboy .
He ’ s the everyday cowman on a starved-out ranch somewhere hear Bartlett , Nebraska and Gerlach , Nevada .
He ’ s every one of us who ever fed a pen of long-eared yearlin ’ s , got bucked offa @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out a year ’ s grain crop.
” In 1985 , Cornhusker Press brought out a collection of Mignery ’ s calendar cowpoke comedy , The Best of Mignery — more than 80 Cowtoons selected from a 15-year run of the calendar .
Spencer summed up the content : “ If you ’ ve got spur-marks on your boots or sweat-stains on your hat band , you won ’ t be able to put this book down .
Or if you ’ ve just got one little drop o ’ western blood circulatin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re in for some laughs .
If you ’ re wearing a big belt buckle , loosen your belt .
You could hurt yourself on some of the belly-laughs you ’ ll find in this book.
” Well , I wouldn ’ t go quite that far .
Mignery ’ s cayuses in the calendar-reprint book aren ’ t quite as boney and bucky ( and funny ) as they are in the Western Horseman book from which I poached the images a few paragraphs ago .
And the calendar drawings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and brown colored parts .
But the book alerted me to a peculiarity in Mignery ’ s pictures .
He “ trademarks ” his cartoons : each one of them is marked with two visual oddities — a patch of crossed bandages and a pair of eyeballs , peering out of a dark corner or shady spot somewhere in the drawing .
I ’ ve scanned a sample of each onto one final Mignery color picture , this one of himself sketching under a tree .
Herein , the pair of eyeballs looks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the old tree ( way up over the artist ’ s head ) , and his sketchpad paper is patched .
But the trademarks aren ’ t always so obvious ; go back to the short gallery of his colored cartoons and see how many of each you can find in those cartoons .
And while you ’ re at it , observe the miscellaneous hilarity that Mignery sprinkles on his cartoons — small burrowing animals peeking out of their holes , false teeth in the dust gripping a cigar , apple cores @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to mention all the puns lettered on to walls or pickup trucks .
Oh — and notice the rabbit behind the tree in the Mignery self-portrait .
The rabbit shows up every now and then .
And at least once , he ’ s wearing horn-rimmed glasses just like my Cahoots wears .
As far as I know , Mignery has never seen one of my rabbit-embossed cartoons .
But we were born in the same year .
So who knows ?
Mignery doesn ’ t do much cartooning any more .
In @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and began to sculpt in bronze , an activity that soon became a full-time career — cartooning ’ s loss .
Mignery has completed many monumental bronzes dealing with subjects related to his early life on the ranch , and he has won several awards .
He is a past president of the Cowboy Artists of America .

“Cowboy cartoonist” Herb Mignery is also a master of drawing horses.
I went to a local “postcard and paper” show a few months ago. And, as always, I hope to find a long-neglected treasure among the “paper.” The postcards are intriguing and I usually buy a few by the irrepressible Ray Walters. But “paper” is mostly magazines and books, and this time, I found a genuine treasure — an entire book of cowboy cartoons by Herb Mignery, who could draw cartoon horses like nobody I know of.
Mignery’s subject is the modern day cowboy, so pickup trucks figure in the visual material as well as horses. I’m attaching a gallery of examples culled from the book.
Herb Mignery was born November 7, 1937 in Nebraska and raised on his family’s working cattle ranch near Bartlett. The Mignerys had worked that ranch for a hundred years. Herb drew from an early age and kept right on with it. After college, he worked as an illustrator in the U.S. Army, stationed in Hawaii. After his stint was up, he returned to Nebraska and worked as a commercial artist for Cornhusker Press. He also did freelance work for True West magazine and a couple of advertising agencies. In 1968, he started doing an annual cartoon calendar called Cowtoons.
Dick Spencer, the publisher of Western Horseman magazine, says of Mignery and his work: “Herb has been there. It shows in his work, and the folks who laugh the longest and the loudest at his cartoons are those who have lived it. Cowboys must have a sense of humor. It’s a tough enough life with it, and almost unbearable without it.”
In many of his cartoons, Mignery used a lanky big-foot character named Clyde, who, says Baxter Black, the cowboy poet and philosopher, “is the workaday cowboy. He’s the everyday cowman on a starved-out ranch somewhere hear Bartlett, Nebraska and Gerlach, Nevada. He’s every one of us who ever fed a pen of long-eared yearlin’s, got bucked offa green colt or watched a hailstorm wipe out a year’s grain crop.”
In 1985, Cornhusker Press brought out a collection of Mignery’s calendar cowpoke comedy, The Best of Mignery — more than 80 Cowtoons selected from a 15-year run of the calendar. Spencer summed up the content:
“If you’ve got spur-marks on your boots or sweat-stains on your hat band, you won’t be able to put this book down. Or if you’ve just got one little drop o’western blood circulatin’ around somewhere in your veins, you’re in for some laughs. If you’re wearing a big belt buckle, loosen your belt. You could hurt yourself on some of the belly-laughs you’ll find in this book.”
Well, I wouldn’t go quite that far. Mignery’s cayuses in the calendar-reprint book aren’t quite as boney and bucky (and funny) as they are in the Western Horseman book from which I poached the images a few paragraphs ago. And the calendar drawings appear only in black with gray tones and brown colored parts.
But the book alerted me to a peculiarity in Mignery’s pictures. He “trademarks” his cartoons: each one of them is marked with two visual oddities — a patch of crossed bandages and a pair of eyeballs, peering out of a dark corner or shady spot somewhere in the drawing. I’ve scanned a sample of each onto one final Mignery color picture, this one of himself sketching under a tree.
Herein, the pair of eyeballs looks out as us from a hole in the old tree (way up over the artist’s head), and his sketchpad paper is patched. But the trademarks aren’t always so obvious; go back to the short gallery of his colored cartoons and see how many of each you can find in those cartoons.
And while you’re at it, observe the miscellaneous hilarity that Mignery sprinkles on his cartoons — small burrowing animals peeking out of their holes, false teeth in the dust gripping a cigar, apple cores, and an occasional mouse. Not to mention all the puns lettered on to walls or pickup trucks.
Oh — and notice the rabbit behind the tree in the Mignery self-portrait. The rabbit shows up every now and then. And at least once, he’s wearing horn-rimmed glasses just like my Cahoots wears. As far as I know, Mignery has never seen one of my rabbit-embossed cartoons. But we were born in the same year. So who knows?
Mignery doesn’t do much cartooning any more. In 1975, he opened his own studio and began to sculpt in bronze, an activity that soon became a full-time career — cartooning’s loss.
Mignery has completed many monumental bronzes dealing with subjects related to his early life on the ranch, and he has won several awards. He is a past president of the Cowboy Artists of America.


humortimes--2020-12-08--Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/8/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/8/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden just replaced 12 jobs previously held by Jared Kushner .
Meet the Ho family in new trailer for HBO Max Reality Series Which is also the name of the version of The Kardashians broadcast in China .
The Pope named the first African American Cardinal ever … making him the second-best black cardinal ever right after Bob Gibson .
Trump and his allies have won zero out of at least 32 lawsuits they ’ ve filed since Election Day Personally , I ’ m just thankful Cyber Monday is over , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Internet for what it was intended… .
Twitter , crazy cat videos and porn .
I worry about Ozzie .
If he had a stroke how would we know ?
Although , it lost me at “ H. ” Obama , Bush and Clinton say they will take the COVID-19 vaccine publicly to gain public trust The petition to remove Amber Heard from Aquaman 2 now has over 1.5 million signatures … so , you got ta believe Trump thinks he won .
While the founder of another pizza parlor better hope this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Is Trump throwing Bill Barr under the bus ?

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Biden begins rolling out appointments
In fact, Biden just replaced 12 jobs previously held by Jared Kushner.
Meet the Ho family in new trailer for HBO Max Reality Series
Which is also the name of the version of The Kardashians broadcast in China.
The Pope named the first African American Cardinal ever
… making him the second-best black cardinal ever right after Bob Gibson.
Trump and his allies have won zero out of at least 32 lawsuits they’ve filed since Election Day
Where’d Trump find his lawyers…. on Low IQAnon?!
Cyber Monday sales estimated reaching $10BB to nearly $12BB
Personally, I’m just thankful Cyber Monday is over, and people can go back to using the Internet for what it was intended…. Twitter, crazy cat videos and porn.
Happy 72nd birthday, Ozzie Osbourne
I worry about Ozzie. If he had a stroke how would we know?
ADHD is trending
Although, it lost me at “H.”
Obama, Bush and Clinton say they will take the COVID-19 vaccine publicly to gain public trust
… while, apparently, Jimmy Carter’s lived long enough.
The petition to remove Amber Heard from Aquaman 2 now has over 1.5 million signatures
I’m shocked, shocked they made an Aquaman 1.
Court dismisses Trump’s election case “with prejudice”
… so, you gotta believe Trump thinks he won.
House votes to decriminalize marijuana at federal level
I’ll smoke to that!
Frank Carney, founder of Pizza Hut, has died
While the founder of another pizza parlor better hope this isn’t the first Domino.
Iran’s top nuclear scientist was fatally shot in northern Iran
So, natural causes.
Is Trump throwing Bill Barr under the bus?
… personally, I’m worried about the bus …


humortimes--2020-12-12--Our Normal & New Normal in Song Titles #2

Singing is not only allowed , it ’ s encouraged – but take off your mask first & belt out the New Normal in song !
Up is down , down is up – we may never get back to the good old days , but maybe we can laugh , vent a bit & reminisce old , old song titles while we wait !
Our Old Normal : “ I Have a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts ” Our New Normal : “ YES , WE HAVE NO BANANAS ” !
“ The More I See You ” – “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Hey Good Lookin ’ What You Got Cookin ' ” – “ NO NOT MUCH ” !
“ I Almost Lost My Mind ” – “ SMOKE , SMOKE , SMOKE THAT CIGARETTE ” !
“ Smoke Gets In Your Eyes ” – “ WHAT ’ D I SAY ” !
“ Black is the Color of my True Love ’ s Hair ” – “ TIME IN A BOTTLE ” “ The Last Time I Saw Paris ” – “ DON ’ T GET AROUND MUCH ANYMORE ” “ Bette Davis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ THRU THE NIGHT ” “ Love The One You ’ re With ” – “ ALL BY MYSELF ” Sorry , this is taking an odd turn – ha ha “ Stop , In The Name of Love ” – “ WHAT ’ S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT ” ?
**Having a little trouble with “ Get Outta My Dreams , Get Into My Car ” , “ Thank God & Greyhound…she ’ s gone ” & “ Papa Has a Brand New Bag ” !

Singing is not only allowed, it’s encouraged – but take off your mask first & belt out the New Normal in song!
Up is down, down is up – we may never get back to the good old days, but maybe we can laugh, vent a bit & reminisce old, old song titles while we wait!
For example…
Our Old Normal: “I Have a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts”
Our New Normal: “YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS”!
“The More I See You” – “IF I HAD A HAMMER”!
“You’re Having My Baby” – “WHEN I’M 64”!
“Hey Good Lookin’ What You Got Cookin'” – “NO NOT MUCH”!
“I Almost Lost My Mind” – “SMOKE, SMOKE, SMOKE THAT CIGARETTE”!
“Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” – “WHAT’D I SAY”!
“Black is the Color of my True Love’s Hair” – “TIME IN A BOTTLE”
“I Wanna Dance With Somebody” – “THE 12TH OF NEVER”
“Little Bitty Pretty One” – “SIXTEEN TONS”!
“The Last Time I Saw Paris” – “DON’T GET AROUND MUCH ANYMORE”
“Bette Davis Eyes” – “WHATEVER GETS YOU THRU THE NIGHT”
“French Kiss” – “IN THE YEAR 2525”
“Who’s Sorry Now”? – “RUNAROUND SUE”!
“Like A Virgin” – “I GET AROUND” or vice versa
“Man! I Feel Like A Woman” – “A BOY NAMED SUE”
“Love The One You’re With” – “ALL BY MYSELF”
Sorry, this is taking an odd turn – ha ha
“Let It Go” – No, “I HEAR A SYMPHONY”!
“Stop, In The Name of Love” – “WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT”?
“At Last”! – “DON’T IT MAKE MY BROWN EYES BLUE”?
“Doin’ What Comes Naturally” – “MAKE ‘EM LAUGH”!
**Having a little trouble with “Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car”, “Thank God & Greyhound…she’s gone” & “Papa Has a Brand New Bag”!
(Check out “Normal & New Normal in Song Titles” #1 here!)


humortimes--2020-12-15--Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/14/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/14/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Arianna Grande bought a matching one for Katy ’ s actual baby .
ESPN analyst Paul Pierce being sued by weed consultant over unpaid wages In fairness , how good is the weed if the guy remembers he ’ s owed money ?
Biden reportedly considering nominating Pete Buttigieg to be ambassador to China Guessing the only thing holding up the nomination is Biden ’ s ability to pronounce ‘ Buttigieg.
’ Trump and allies have now lost their 50th post-election lawsuit So , they get a free medium fries and large soda @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 99 problems , and pretty soon getting up in the middle of the night to pee will be one !
No word if that includes riffing the occasional National Anthem on his guitar .
First lady Melania Trump “ just wants to go home ” I don ’ t believe American citizens are allowed in Slovenia right now .
Astronomers are mystified by these ghostly , unexplained circles seen in space Maybe , God is just tired , which would explain any circles under his skies .
Biden heading to Georgia to stump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Georgia if they can just get all those Tyler Perry characters to turn out .
SCOTUS passes on having Ted Cruz argue before them … and who can blame them ?
Rudy Giuliani comes down with Coronavirus Nobody ’ s too worried because only garlic , a wooden stake , or sunlight can kill him .
… but is worth $ 140 million , if you factor in those AARP discounts .
January Jones trolled the National Enquirer after it asked her to comment on her ‘ desperate ’ bikini posts No word @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sick Big Foot , Nessie and/or ETs on her .
All of Donald Trump ’ s remaining lawyers have Coronavirus … well , compared to most people who work for him , at least they got something …

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Arianna Grande bought Katy Perry a 700-dollar baby outfit
No word if Arianna Grande bought a matching one for Katy’s actual baby.
ESPN analyst Paul Pierce being sued by weed consultant over unpaid wages
In fairness, how good is the weed if the guy remembers he’s owed money?
Biden reportedly considering nominating Pete Buttigieg to be ambassador to China
Guessing the only thing holding up the nomination is Biden’s ability to pronounce ‘Buttigieg.’
Trump and allies have now lost their 50th post-election lawsuit
So, they get a free medium fries and large soda with their next filling.
Happy 51st Birthday, Jay Z
You got 99 problems, and pretty soon getting up in the middle of the night to pee will be one!
Carlos Santana agrees with Royals: $17M, two years
No word if that includes riffing the occasional National Anthem on his guitar.
First lady Melania Trump “just wants to go home”
I don’t believe American citizens are allowed in Slovenia right now.
Astronomers are mystified by these ghostly, unexplained circles seen in space
Maybe, God is just tired, which would explain any circles under his skies.
Biden heading to Georgia to stump for Ossoff and Warnock
The Demz got Georgia if they can just get all those Tyler Perry characters to turn out.
SCOTUS passes on having Ted Cruz argue before them
… and who can blame them?
Rudy Giuliani comes down with Coronavirus
Nobody’s too worried because only garlic, a wooden stake, or sunlight can kill him.
Mike Tyson-Roy Jones Jr. fight reportedly brought in $80 million
… but is worth $140 million, if you factor in those AARP discounts.
January Jones trolled the National Enquirer after it asked her to comment on her ‘desperate’ bikini posts
No word if the Enquirer is now going to sick Big Foot, Nessie and/or ETs on her.
All of Donald Trump’s remaining lawyers have Coronavirus
… well, compared to most people who work for him, at least they got something …


humortimes--2020-12-17--Dear America: A Letter from Canada, eh?

Dear America: A Letter from Canada, eh?

Hi there .
It ’ s Canada here .
I know this is probably not a good time but I feel I really have no choice .
In short , I ’ m breaking up with you .
I know we ’ ve had a long relationship and that you ’ re suffering from a pandemic and a crazy election but I just can ’ t go on like this anymore .
Sometimes the person breaking up will say “ It ’ s not you ; it ’ s me ” but in this case , it ’ s definitely @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you have a horrible excuse for a human being as President but that ’ s not the main reason I ’ m pulling the plug .
What ’ s truly disturbing is that close to half of you still want this man to run the country .
I know we ’ ve had our differences over the years including a war in 1812 and a couple of minor invasions but we were always able to work things out and stay together .
Until now , that is .
Look , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that doesn ’ t necessarily mean the end of the relationship .
For example , I know you were upset and confused and feeling that you weren ’ t being heard back in 2016 and maybe that explains why you voted for a wannabe autocrat .
I tried to be understanding since everyone ’ s entitled to a second chance .
But you then had four years to see the damage that guy did and you still chose to stick with him .
Fool me once ; shame on you .
Fool me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s hard to forgive you for your continuing infidelity .
I don ’ t think you realize how hurtful your actions have been .
Knowing full well the nature of your President , you ignored our feelings and instead chose to flirt with autocracy , fascism and racism .
Four years is too much especially since it ’ s clear you ’ re not going to change .
I guess you just don ’ t care that you embarrassed me in front of my friends France , Germany and Great Britain .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in such endeavors as NATO , climate change and the Iran deal .
You ’ re telling me that you ’ re sorry , that you ’ ve seen the error of your ways and have now promised to never see Trump again .
You claim you ’ ve even chosen a new President who is gentle and kind .
Yet all I can see is a divided nation with part of you looking much like the old Confederate States of America .
In fact , maybe that ’ s an answer to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go their separate ways .
But all that is too late .
You ’ re still seeing the guy and half the nation still loves him .
Even when he called the election a fraud and declared victory before all the votes were counted , you didn ’ t walk away .
I ’ m tired of pointing out Trump ’ s flaws .
For whatever reason , half of you just seem to be blind to his blatant shortcomings .
If my people were faced with such a choice , polls suggest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guy .
Why can ’ t you do likewise ?
Anyway , you can see that I ’ m totally frustrated and at my wits ’ end .
You ’ re no longer the proud nation I once knew that defeated fascism in World War II .
Honestly , I hardly recognize you .
I know you ’ re in a sad state and desperately need help but I can no longer pretend nothing ’ s wrong and continue enabling your addictive behavior .
I ’ m sad that it ’ s goodbye @ @ @ @ @ @ @ write .
I need some time to heal .
For now , remember the good times we had and just hope that someday we can still be friends .

Dear America,
Hi there. It’s Canada here. I know this is probably not a good time but I feel I really have no choice. In short, I’m breaking up with you.
I know we’ve had a long relationship and that you’re suffering from a pandemic and a crazy election but I just can’t go on like this anymore. Sometimes the person breaking up will say “It’s not you; it’s me” but in this case, it’s definitely you.
It’s true that you have a horrible excuse for a human being as President but that’s not the main reason I’m pulling the plug. What’s truly disturbing is that close to half of you still want this man to run the country.
I know we’ve had our differences over the years including a war in 1812 and a couple of minor invasions but we were always able to work things out and stay together. Until now, that is.
Look, it’s true that couples sometimes screw up and that doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship. For example, I know you were upset and confused and feeling that you weren’t being heard back in 2016 and maybe that explains why you voted for a wannabe autocrat.
I tried to be understanding since everyone’s entitled to a second chance. But you then had four years to see the damage that guy did and you still chose to stick with him. Fool me once; shame on you. Fool me twice; shame on me.
It’s hard to forgive you for your continuing infidelity. I don’t think you realize how hurtful your actions have been. Knowing full well the nature of your President, you ignored our feelings and instead chose to flirt with autocracy, fascism and racism.
Four years is too much especially since it’s clear you’re not going to change. I guess you just don’t care that you embarrassed me in front of my friends France, Germany and Great Britain. You made no effort to join us in such endeavors as NATO, climate change and the Iran deal.
You’re telling me that you’re sorry, that you’ve seen the error of your ways and have now promised to never see Trump again. You claim you’ve even chosen a new President who is gentle and kind.
Yet all I can see is a divided nation with part of you looking much like the old Confederate States of America. In fact, maybe that’s an answer to your problem and the two parts should go their separate ways.
But all that is too late. You’re still seeing the guy and half the nation still loves him. Even when he called the election a fraud and declared victory before all the votes were counted, you didn’t walk away.
I’m tired of pointing out Trump’s flaws. For whatever reason, half of you just seem to be blind to his blatant shortcomings. If my people were faced with such a choice, polls suggest that over 80% would reject the guy. Why can’t you do likewise?
Anyway, you can see that I’m totally frustrated and at my wits’ end. You’re no longer the proud nation I once knew that defeated fascism in World War II. Honestly, I hardly recognize you.
I know you’re in a sad state and desperately need help but I can no longer pretend nothing’s wrong and continue enabling your addictive behavior. I’m sad that it’s goodbye but please don’t call or write. I need some time to heal.
For now, remember the good times we had and just hope that someday we can still be friends.
Yours politely,
Canada


humortimes--2020-12-17--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Conspiracists

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews fellow conspiracists Louis Gohmert and Jim Jordan .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guests are the conspiracists , crazy Texas Republican Congressman Louis Gohmert and the crazier Ohio Republican Congressman Jim Jordan .
Then can I have your wrestling trophies , Jordan ?
Sure .
I ’ ll even throw in my old smelly mat .
When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you clowns will be drowning in your own sweat .
Let ’ s get right to it .
You two anarchists are members of the Freedom Caucus , which is sympathetic to the Tea Party .
You are actively trying to change the results of the election in favor of Trump .
It ’ s a conspiracy .
Las Vegas odds gave Trump the win .
I go by the facts .
That ’ s the evidence the Supreme Court refused to consider .
Here ’ s another fact you don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drug .
I am against Medicare and Medicaid paying for it .
Hey .
I use Viagra .
The wife and I play horse around the house after I take the pill .
I may have a change of heart .
Will Viagra help me grow taller ?
I ’ ve been mistaken for a chimpanzee .
Congressman Jordan .
What do you get when you offer a member of the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts ?
Gohmert .
I was reading about the high crime rate in Texas .
Why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Well I do .
There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA .
I heard that on Hannity , so it must be true .
Chimp Jordan .
126 House Republicans and 17 Republican State Attorneys General signed onto the Texas lawsuit to overturn the election results in the swing states in favor of Donald Trump .
Attorney General William Barr confirmed that there was no election fraud .
The lawsuit was frivolous with no evidence and the Supreme Court dismissed the challenge .
That ’ s not what we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Joe Biden was born in a blue state .
That ’ s illegal and disqualifies him for president .
You ’ re a conspiracy wing nut , Chimp .
Joe Biden is the new president .
With Biden in charge , I will no longer be able to wave my QAnon flag with pride .
Pride ?
The Trumpster is undermining our democracy .
He ’ s ruled by fear and anger over the rule of law .
Fake news .
I think you ’ re being controlled by Hillary Clinton .
There @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I feel the vibes .
If you say so , Gomer Pyle .
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb ?
Three .
One to hire a Mexican and two to deport him when he ’ s done .
And Gohmert knows .
He ’ s one of the most racist guys in Congress .
Better believe it .
You name the minority , I ’ m against them .
I say to that remark .
Make pee , pee , not teepee .
Folks .
The difference @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us that life is unfair , and Republicans make sure it is .
See you tomorrow .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews fellow conspiracists Louis Gohmert and Jim Jordan.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are the conspiracists, crazy Texas Republican Congressman Louis Gohmert and the crazier Ohio Republican Congressman Jim Jordan.
LOUIS GOHMERT
I will lie for Trump.
JIM JORDAN
I will die for Trump.
LOUIS GOHMERT
Then can I have your wrestling trophies, Jordan?
JORDAN
Sure. I’ll even throw in my old smelly mat.
JERRY
When I’m done with this interview, you clowns will be drowning in your own sweat.
JERRY
Let’s get right to it. You two anarchists are members of the Freedom Caucus, which is sympathetic to the Tea Party. You are actively trying to change the results of the election in favor of Trump.
GOHMERT
It’s a conspiracy. Las Vegas odds gave Trump the win. I go by the facts.
JORDAN
That’s the evidence the Supreme Court refused to consider. Here’s another fact you don’t know. Viagra is a recreational drug. I am against Medicare and Medicaid paying for it.
JERRY
Don’t change the subject.
GOHMERT
Hey. I use Viagra. The wife and I play horse around the house after I take the pill.
JORDAN
I may have a change of heart. Will Viagra help me grow taller? I’ve been mistaken for a chimpanzee.
JERRY
Congressman Jordan. What do you get when you offer a member of the Tea Party a penny for his thoughts?
JORDAN
No clue.
JERRY
Change.
JERRY
Gohmert. I was reading about the high crime rate in Texas. Why are there so many unsolved murders?
GOHMERT
I don’t know.
JERRY
Well I do. There are no dental records and everyone has the same DNA.
JORDAN
I heard that on Hannity, so it must be true.
JERRY
Chimp Jordan. 126 House Republicans and 17 Republican State Attorneys General signed onto the Texas lawsuit to overturn the election results in the swing states in favor of Donald Trump. Attorney General William Barr confirmed that there was no election fraud. The lawsuit was frivolous with no evidence and the Supreme Court dismissed the challenge.
JORDAN
That’s not what we’re complaining about, Duncan. Joe Biden was born in a blue state. That’s illegal and disqualifies him for president.
(sound of chimpanzee) Ooh, ooh, ooh, eee, eee, eee, aah, aah, aah.
JERRY
You’re a conspiracy wing nut, Chimp. Joe Biden is the new president.
GOHMERT
With Biden in charge, I will no longer be able to wave my QAnon flag with pride.
JERRY
Pride? The Trumpster is undermining our democracy. He’s ruled by fear and anger over the rule of law.
GOHMERT
Fake news. I think you’re being controlled by Hillary Clinton. There’s microwaves coming from your head. I feel the vibes.
JERRY
If you say so, Gomer Pyle.
JORDAN
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
JERRY
I dunno.
JORDAN
Three. One to hire a Mexican and two to deport him when he’s done.
GOHMERT
That’s another fact, Duncan.
JORDAN
And Gohmert knows. He’s one of the most racist guys in Congress.
GOHMERT
Better believe it. You name the minority, I’m against them.
JERRY
I say to that remark. Make pee,pee, not teepee.
JERRY
Folks. The difference between Democrats and Republicans? Democrats remind us that life is unfair, and Republicans make sure it is. See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-12-17--Trump Tactics for Maintaining Power Uncovered

Trump tactics insure he ’ ll remain president , one way or another — he thinks .
A document has been slipped to this reporter from an anonymous source , signed only as “ a supporter of the democratic process.
” It is a detailed plan of a number of “ Trump tactics ” the president thinks can keep him in office for another four years .
Plan A involves Vice President Pence ’ s counting of the votes of the Electoral College .
False duplicate ballots have been created with electors in key states ’ votes changed to votes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , only the votes of electors in states that do not mandate how the electors have to vote will be used .
The false ballots will be placed in a space with a hidden door in the podium .
They are still trying to decide on what they will do to create a distraction so the switch can be made .
Susan Collins ’ offer to walk across the front of the Senate in a tight sweater and micro mini skirt was immediately turned down .
Jim Jordan offered to get into a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , as long as it was a woman .
Giuliani offered to run into the chamber in a clown suit , but nobody thought that that would be particularly surprising .
If this does not work , Trump plans to issue a blanket pardon to all Proud Boy members and have them surround the White House as he barricades himself inside .
He then will order the army to run tanks up and down the Washington DC streets that are to be used for the inauguration event to make them impassable for vehicles @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he will issue a Proclamation of a formal succession for him and his followers from the “ fake ” nation to the True America and declare Mar-a-Lago the “ Gold House ” where he will reside as President .
All members of the new nation will pledge allegiance to him for this new virtual nation via Twitter .
All commerce will only occur between Trump ’ s Twitter followers , all monetary transactions for all his citizens handled only by Deutsche Bank , and all foreign commerce only with Russia .
The Proud @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the armed services for the new nation .
Fox News will be the official voice of the President with Sean Hannity as Press Secretary .
Roger Stone will be appointed Attorney General , because of his great expertise in handling witnesses .
Stephan Miller will be appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services , because of his commitment to the welfare of families and children .
Flynn will be appointed Secretary of State , because of his experience wheeling and dealing with foreign governments .
Pence may be Vice President for only a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rumor that Ivanka is planning to ask her daddy to be made Vice President as her next birthday gift .
His Declaration of Independence frees all members of True America from paying income taxes to the IRS , since it is part of the Fake America , and instead will have them pay a flat tax of forty percent of their income directly to Trump .
The document ends with a declaration that his nation will have the best medical care on the continent “ and much more great stuff .
”

Trump tactics insure he’ll remain president, one way or another — he thinks.
A document has been slipped to this reporter from an anonymous source, signed only as “a supporter of the democratic process.” It is a detailed plan of a number of “Trump tactics” the president thinks can keep him in office for another four years.
Plan A involves Vice President Pence’s counting of the votes of the Electoral College. False duplicate ballots have been created with electors in key states’ votes changed to votes for Trump. To not arouse suspicion, only the votes of electors in states that do not mandate how the electors have to vote will be used. The false ballots will be placed in a space with a hidden door in the podium.
They are still trying to decide on what they will do to create a distraction so the switch can be made. Susan Collins’ offer to walk across the front of the Senate in a tight sweater and micro mini skirt was immediately turned down. Jim Jordan offered to get into a fist fight with one of the Democrats, as long as it was a woman. Giuliani offered to run into the chamber in a clown suit, but nobody thought that that would be particularly surprising.
If this does not work, Trump plans to issue a blanket pardon to all Proud Boy members and have them surround the White House as he barricades himself inside. He then will order the army to run tanks up and down the Washington DC streets that are to be used for the inauguration event to make them impassable for vehicles. One week before the inauguration, he will issue a Proclamation of a formal succession for him and his followers from the “fake” nation to the True America and declare Mar-a-Lago the “Gold House” where he will reside as President.
All members of the new nation will pledge allegiance to him for this new virtual nation via Twitter. All commerce will only occur between Trump’s Twitter followers, all monetary transactions for all his citizens handled only by Deutsche Bank, and all foreign commerce only with Russia. The Proud Boys and The Aryan Nation will form the armed services for the new nation.
Fox News will be the official voice of the President with Sean Hannity as Press Secretary. Roger Stone will be appointed Attorney General, because of his great expertise in handling witnesses. Stephan Miller will be appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services, because of his commitment to the welfare of families and children. Flynn will be appointed Secretary of State, because of his experience wheeling and dealing with foreign governments. Pence may be Vice President for only a short time, as there is a rumor that Ivanka is planning to ask her daddy to be made Vice President as her next birthday gift.
His Declaration of Independence frees all members of True America from paying income taxes to the IRS, since it is part of the Fake America, and instead will have them pay a flat tax of forty percent of their income directly to Trump. The document ends with a declaration that his nation will have the best medical care on the continent “and much more great stuff.”


humortimes--2020-12-17--Georgia On My Couch

Georgia On My Couch

Georgia seeks therapy regarding strange new feelings and blue state tendencies .
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice .
I know I ’ ve been avoiding therapy sessions lately , but things are so crazy that I just had to talk with you right away even if it is over Zoom .
Just to catch you up , a lot has happened since we last met .
As you know , it was no great secret that I ’ m a red state and that I ’ ve been a proud red state for quite some time .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ this past year I ’ ve been struggling with some strange new feelings .
Much of me still feels like that good ole boy I ’ ve always been .
But now I ’ m grappling with some blue state tendencies that , quite frankly , I didn ’ t even know I had .
I know you ’ re going to say that it shouldn ’ t have been a surprise that I might be transitioning given what happened in 2018 .
The fact that Stacey Abrams almost knocked off Brian Kemp @ @ @ @ @ @ @ political identity might be what you once described as fluid .
I guess I was in denial because everything just came to a head in early November .
In case you didn ’ t know , there was a Presidential election and everyone , including me , just assumed I would be voting Republican and that Donald Trump would once again take my sixteen electoral votes .
Long story short ; it looks like I may be a blue state after all .
The last time I checked , Joe Biden had more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I have subtle Democratic leanings .
Trump and his allies are fighting to reverse that result .
They say that I ’ m not really a blue state , that I ’ m a red state and always have been a red state .
They claim that there ’ s no such thing as a Southern blue state , that the vote tallies are wrong and that I ’ m just confused .
But if you check the Electoral College results , the U. S. Constitution and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m a bona fide blue state .
The DSM-5 makes it clear that although voting Democratic may be unusual for a southern state , it is no longer classified as being abnormal .
Given the election result , I really need some private time to process what has happened and to resolve my conflicting feelings .
Am I really Democratic ?
Was being Republican just a lie I told myself ?
Unfortunately , no one wants to give me that needed privacy to work out my true nature .
The Electoral College @ @ @ @ @ @ @ status but it seems like everyone else is trying to force me to commit to a particular political lifestyle right now .
I was kind of hoping that over time folks would just accept the November results and leave me alone .
But that ’ s not going to happen , at least not any time soon .
I can ’ t just lead my private life and figure out what I want to be in 2022 or 2024 .
I don ’ t have the luxury of years to explore my feelings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ months .
In fact , it looks like I ’ ll have to decide in a matter of weeks .
You see there are two Senate runoff elections on January 5th and everyone ’ s telling me that I have to decide what I really am on that day .
It ’ s becoming a huge national spectacle and , frankly , I ’ m stressed out and embarrassed .
Should I vote Republican again in both races or should I explore the possibility of casting my ballots for two Democrats ?
Or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ split my votes .
Whatever happens , I just wish Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer would leave me alone and let me live my life in peace .

Georgia seeks therapy regarding strange new feelings and blue state tendencies.
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice. I know I’ve been avoiding therapy sessions lately, but things are so crazy that I just had to talk with you right away even if it is over Zoom.
Just to catch you up, a lot has happened since we last met. As you know, it was no great secret that I’m a red state and that I’ve been a proud red state for quite some time.
Much to my surprise, however, this past year I’ve been struggling with some strange new feelings. Much of me still feels like that good ole boy I’ve always been. But now I’m grappling with some blue state tendencies that, quite frankly, I didn’t even know I had.
I know you’re going to say that it shouldn’t have been a surprise that I might be transitioning given what happened in 2018. The fact that Stacey Abrams almost knocked off Brian Kemp should have been a clue that my political identity might be what you once described as fluid.
I guess I was in denial because everything just came to a head in early November. In case you didn’t know, there was a Presidential election and everyone, including me, just assumed I would be voting Republican and that Donald Trump would once again take my sixteen electoral votes.
Long story short; it looks like I may be a blue state after all. The last time I checked, Joe Biden had more Georgian votes than Donald Trump and apparently I have subtle Democratic leanings.
Trump and his allies are fighting to reverse that result. They say that I’m not really a blue state, that I’m a red state and always have been a red state. They claim that there’s no such thing as a Southern blue state, that the vote tallies are wrong and that I’m just confused.
But if you check the Electoral College results, the U. S. Constitution and the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it looks like I’m a bona fide blue state. The DSM-5 makes it clear that although voting Democratic may be unusual for a southern state, it is no longer classified as being abnormal.
Given the election result, I really need some private time to process what has happened and to resolve my conflicting feelings. Am I really Democratic? Was being Republican just a lie I told myself?
Unfortunately, no one wants to give me that needed privacy to work out my true nature. The Electoral College has been helpful in certifying my new status but it seems like everyone else is trying to force me to commit to a particular political lifestyle right now.
I was kind of hoping that over time folks would just accept the November results and leave me alone. But that’s not going to happen, at least not any time soon.
I can’t just lead my private life and figure out what I want to be in 2022 or 2024. I don’t have the luxury of years to explore my feelings; I don’t even have months. In fact, it looks like I’ll have to decide in a matter of weeks.
You see there are two Senate runoff elections on January 5th and everyone’s telling me that I have to decide what I really am on that day. It’s becoming a huge national spectacle and, frankly, I’m stressed out and embarrassed.
Should I vote Republican again in both races or should I explore the possibility of casting my ballots for two Democrats? Or maybe I should try being bi-political and split my votes. Whatever happens, I just wish Mitch McConnell and Chuck Schumer would leave me alone and let me live my life in peace.


humortimes--2020-12-17--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Pardon My Corruption

“ Pardon me , ” said the stinky old fart .
He pretends to be a big dog , but @ @ @ @ @ a whiny little bitch .
The truth is what you fake it .
Liars and @ @ @ @ @ anything .
The right-wing is being gravy-trained to $ upport Trump .
Fools reveal themselves @ @ @ @ @ masks .
We need less division and more us versus them-pathy .
When cheaters set @ @ @ @ @ honesty finish last .
A change of vaccinery will do us all good .
I @ @ @ @ @ you , but I like Kam a lot .
Scientific theory speculates that time really @ @ @ @ @ Now I regret buying the higher-priced Timex !
Learn to play chess and check with @ @ @

“Pardon me,” said the stinky old fart.
As usual, Trump denies he’s in denial.
He pretends to be a big dog, but he’s really just a whiny little bitch.
Stop the squeal!
Election lawsuits: Swamped with excess sewage.
The truth is what you fake it.
Liars and scoundrels are libel to say anything.
Newsmax quacks like a lame duck.
The right-wing is being gravy-trained to $upport Trump.
Fools reveal themselves when they take off their masks.
We need less division and more us versus them-pathy.
Don’t let partisan politics block aid relief.
When cheaters set the pace, truth and honesty finish last.
Policies the day with a progressive agenda.
A change of vaccinery will do us all good.
I don’t know about you, but I like Kam a lot.
#MeToo: Agender equality.
To change the world, make a difference.
Scientific theory speculates that time really doesn’t exist. Now I regret buying the higher-priced Timex!
Learn to play chess and check with me later.


humortimes--2020-12-23--Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/22/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/22/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never owned a computer or cellphone or sent an email Maybe if they had more cowbells ?
The 21 Club has told its 148 employees it has ceased operations indefinitely and they will be terminated March 9 of next year NYers now will have nowhere to get a 112-dollar hamburger and fries… Arizona and Michigan state legislatures shut down due to lawmakers ’ exposure to Rudy Giuliani Man , he screwed these people like they were his cousin .
… while Jay Cutler ’ s application was picked off and run back for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ committed “ media suicide ” by calling the election for Biden Look for him on ‘ FOX and We Used to be Friends.
’ Proving gay people no longer belong in the closet , they belong in the cabinet .
Well played .
It ’ s like his lawyers play for the Mets .
Joel Osteen slammed for pocketing $ 4.4 million in COVID relief funds and lying about it Joe Biden wins again as Electoral College confirms his victory over Donald Trump Biden ’ s won so often it ’ s like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and 48th Presidents of the United States .
… or , did he ?
People complaining about Jill Biden using Dr. Jill Biden , got ta think Dr. Martin Luther King could do one helluva appendectomy .
Looks like they f $ % ked him , but let him sit in the corner and watch .
Win .
Win .
.. it ’ s like Trump went from “ Celebrity Apprentice ” to ‘ Plea Deal or No Plea Deal !
’ …

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Christopher Walken has never owned a computer or cellphone or sent an email
Maybe if they had more cowbells?
The 21 Club has told its 148 employees it has ceased operations indefinitely and they will be terminated March 9 of next year
NYers now will have nowhere to get a 112-dollar hamburger and fries…
Arizona and Michigan state legislatures shut down due to lawmakers’ exposure to Rudy Giuliani
Man, he screwed these people like they were his cousin.
Tom Brady’s business gets nearly $1 million PPP loan
… while Jay Cutler’s application was picked off and run back for a touchdown.
Trump argues FOX News committed “media suicide” by calling the election for Biden
Look for him on ‘FOX and We Used to be Friends.’
Mayor Pete named Secretary of Transportation by President-Elect Biden
Proving gay people no longer belong in the closet, they belong in the cabinet. Well played.
Trump’s 1 – 56 in court cases
It’s like his lawyers play for the Mets.
Joel Osteen slammed for pocketing $4.4 million in COVID relief funds and lying about it
Hmmm, so there isn’t a Biblical Passage COVID 1:9?
Keith Richards. Happy Birthday today 77
Dude, doesn’t look a day over 146!
Joe Biden wins again as Electoral College confirms his victory over Donald Trump
Biden’s won so often it’s like he is now the 46th, 47th, and 48th Presidents of the United States.
Master Spy Novelist John Le Carre died at 97
… or, did he?
Op-Ed urging Jill Biden to drop the ‘Dr.’ sparks outrage online
People complaining about Jill Biden using Dr. Jill Biden, gotta think Dr. Martin Luther King could do one helluva appendectomy.
Falwell Jr. drops defamation lawsuit against Liberty University
Looks like they f$%ked him, but let him sit in the corner and watch. Win. Win.
DOJ investigating potential White House ‘bribery-for-pardon’ scheme…
.. it’s like Trump went from “Celebrity Apprentice” to ‘Plea Deal or No Plea Deal!’ …


humortimes--2020-12-23--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews White House Farewell Party Guests

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews those infamous White House farewell party guests .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
We ’ re live streaming .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today on the show my guests are members of the outgoing Trump administration .
There ’ s a big farewell party at the White House .
Even Putin is in attendance .
Thanks for reminding me .
I thought it was Daffy Duck .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was cured in one day .
Do I look any different ?
No .
Still uglier than hell and the hair you lost on your head is growing down your back .
That ’ s neither hair nor there .
Donald Trump is right .
The coronavirus is a hoax .
Millions of Americans have it .
Nothing more than the flu bug .
My advice is to go out and live it up .
Well .
Maybe I should .
I finished Netflix yesterday .
Excuse me .
Putin has some dirt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I love a good conspiracy theory .
Can ’ t wait until Trump is sworn in on January 20th .
I even bought a new dress for the occasion .
C ’ mon .
Attorney General Bill Barr admitted the election was free and fair .
No evidence of voter fraud in the 2020 election .
Trump lost to Biden .
Just because the Pope is Catholic doesn ’ t mean it ’ s true .
Yeah .
He wears a yarmulke .
What does that tell you ?
Graham and Johnson yuck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Ron .
I never laughed so hard since White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said Biden ’ s chance of winning was “ one-in-a-quadrillion.
” Quadrillion .
Isn ’ t that the ERA average of her former major league pitcher husband ?
Betty White can throw better than that loser .
Get serious .
There was a massive cyber hack by Russia on U.S. federal government agencies .
Johnson , you serve on the Homeland Security Agency .
What are you and the Trumpster doing about it ?
I overhear conversation .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ honest man .
No hack .
Trumpster and I go back long way .
I remember at Moscow restaurant when we have dinner .
Waiter say to me , “ Can I take your order ?
” I say , “ I will have steak.
” Waiter say , “ What about the vegetable ?
” I say , “ he will also have steak.
” Trump is like a cream puff , because he ’ s crumbling .
Look out , Vlad !
You ’ ll get hit by that tank !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Governor Chris Christie .
Did you say cream puff ?
I have a sweet tooth .
Fat people like you lucky .
You eat whatever you want and not worry about getting fat .
Did you just diss me ?
I removed all the bad food from this farewell party .
It was delicious .
Can I ask you a few questions , Vlad ?
Sorry .
I need to find stooge .
Bye .
He doesn ’ t know it , but the stooge is at Mar-a-Largo .
He ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Oops .
The Trumpster owes those monies to companies that he ’ s stiffed !
( nervous ) I , I… got ta hide .
This may have been my last meal .
Good .
Now we ’ ll have enough food to feed the continent of Africa .
Oh look , it ’ s Senator Mitch ‘ Turtle ’ McConnell .
I ’ m here to defend the president .
At least his money laundering is being done in Taiwan .
Those people know something about the laundry business .
How do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into your house ?
Let ’ s end on a positive note .
Trump will be gone and I will make Joe Biden a one term president .
I ’ m pure evil .
God bless America and my wife Elaine Chao ’ s inheritance .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews those infamous White House farewell party guests.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. We’re live streaming. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guests are members of the outgoing Trump administration. There’s a big farewell party at the White House. Even Putin is in attendance.
RUDY GIULIANI
Duncan, it’s Rudy.
JERRY
Thanks for reminding me. I thought it was Daffy Duck.
GIULIANI
The coronavirus is a nothing burger. I was cured in one day. Do I look any different?
JERRY
No. Still uglier than hell and the hair you lost on your head is growing down your back.
GIULIANI
That’s neither hair nor there. Donald Trump is right. The coronavirus is a hoax. Millions of Americans have it. Nothing more than the flu bug. My advice is to go out and live it up.
JERRY
Well. Maybe I should. I finished Netflix yesterday.
GIULIANI
Excuse me. Putin has some dirt to give me on Hunter Biden. I love a good conspiracy theory.
JERRY
Speaking of conspiracy theories. It’s Senators Lindsey Graham and Ron Johnson.
RON JOHNSON
Can’t wait until Trump is sworn in on January 20th.
LINDSEY GRAHAM
I even bought a new dress for the occasion.
JERRY
C’mon. Attorney General Bill Barr admitted the election was free and fair. No evidence of voter fraud in the 2020 election. Trump lost to Biden.
GRAHAM
Just because the Pope is Catholic doesn’t mean it’s true.
JOHNSON
Yeah. He wears a yarmulke. What does that tell you?
Graham and Johnson yuck it up.
GRAHAM
That’s funny, Ron. I never laughed so hard since White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said Biden’s chance of winning was “one-in-a-quadrillion.”
JOHNSON
Quadrillion. Isn’t that the ERA average of her former major league pitcher husband? Betty White can throw better than that loser.
JERRY
Get serious. There was a massive cyber hack by Russia on U.S. federal government agencies. Johnson, you serve on the Homeland Security Agency. What are you and the Trumpster doing about it?
VLADIMIR PUTIN
I overhear conversation. Trumpster my stooge. He know I honest man. No hack. Trumpster and I go back long way. I remember at Moscow restaurant when we have dinner. Waiter say to me, “Can I take your order?” I say, “I will have steak.” Waiter say, “What about the vegetable?” I say, “he will also have steak.”
JERRY
Trump is like a cream puff, because he’s crumbling. Look out, Vlad! You’ll get hit by that tank! (pause) False alarm. It’s Governor Chris Christie.
GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE
Did you say cream puff? I have a sweet tooth.
PUTIN
Fat people like you lucky. You eat whatever you want and not worry about getting fat.
CHRISTIE
Did you just diss me? I removed all the bad food from this farewell party. It was delicious.
JERRY
Can I ask you a few questions, Vlad?
PUTIN
Sorry. I need to find stooge. Bye.
CHRISTIE
He doesn’t know it, but the stooge is at Mar-a-Largo. He’s transferring $650 million offshore. Oops.
JERRY
The Trumpster owes those monies to companies that he’s stiffed!
CHRISTIE
(nervous) I, I…gotta hide. This may have been my last meal.
JERRY
Good. Now we’ll have enough food to feed the continent of Africa. Oh look, it’s Senator Mitch ‘Turtle’ McConnell.
MITCH MCCONNELL
I’m here to defend the president. At least his money laundering is being done in Taiwan. Those people know something about the laundry business.
JERRY
How do you know if a Chinese person broke into your house?
MITCH
The ping pong table is missing?
JERRY
You can’t find your dog.
MITCH
Let’s end on a positive note. Trump will be gone and I will make Joe Biden a one term president. I’m pure evil. God bless America and my wife Elaine Chao’s inheritance.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-12-23--Special Gifts for Special People

Special Gifts for Special People

Ho-ho-ho , wait till you hear about the gifts I gave to some of America ’ s power elite special people for Christmas .
To each of our Congress critters , those oh-so special people , I sent my fondest wish that from now on , they receive the exact same income , health care and pension that we average citizens get .
If they receive only the American average , it might make them a bit more humble — and less cavalier about ignoring the needs of regular folks .
To the stockings of GOP leaders who ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ madness of President Donald Trump , I added individual spritzer bottles of fragrances such as “ Essence of Integrity ” and “ Eau de Self-Respect ” to help cover up their stench .
And in the stockings of Democratic congressional leaders , I put “ Spice of Viagra ” and “ Bouquet du Grassroots ” to stiffen their spines and remind them of who they represent .
For America ’ s CEOs , my gift is a beautifully boxed , brand-new set of corporate ethics .
It ’ s called the golden rule @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would have them do unto you.
” Going to pollute someone ’ s neighborhood ?
Then you have to live there , too .
Going to slash wages and benefits ?
Then slash yours as well .
Going to move your manufacturing to sweatshops in China ?
Then put your office right inside the worst sweatshop .
Executive life wouldn ’ t be as luxurious , but CEOs would glow with a new purity of spirit .
To the Wall Street hedge fund hucksters who ’ ve conglomerated , plundered and degraded hundreds @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve sent copies of “ Journalism for Dummies ” and offered jobs for each of them in their stripped-down , Dickensian newsrooms .
Good luck .
And what better gift to the Trump family — Donald , Ivanka and Jared , Eric , Donnie Jr. and the whole nest of them — than to wish that they live with one another constantly and permanently ?
No , really , each of you deserve it .
Yes , I have finally mastered the art of finding perfect gifts for people on my list @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and are genuinely appreciated by the people who receive them .
I wholeheartedly recommend such gift-giving to you .
This holiday season got me thinking about America ’ s spirit of giving , and I don ’ t mean this overdone business of Christmas , Hanukkah and other holiday gifts .
I mean our true spirit of giving — giving of ourselves .
Yes , we are a country of rugged individualists , yet there ’ s also a deep , community-minded streak in each of us .
We ’ re a people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re all in this together , that we can make our individual lives better by contributing to the common good .
The establishment media pay little attention to grassroots generosity , focusing instead on the occasional showy donation by what it calls “ philanthropists ” — big tycoons who give a little piece of their billions to some university or museum in exchange for a building named after them .
But in my mind , the real philanthropists are the millions of you ordinary folks who have precious little money to give @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do it without demanding that your name be engraved on a granite wall .
My own daddy — rest his soul — was a fine example of this .
With half a dozen other guys in Denison , Texas , he started the Little League Baseball program , volunteering to build the park , sponsor and coach the teams , run the squawking PA system , etc.
, etc .
Even after I graduated from Little League , Daddy stayed working at it , because his involvement was not merely for his kids @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the same way about being taxed to build a public library in town .
I don ’ t recall him ever going in that building , much less checking out a book , but he wanted it to be there for the community , and he was happy to pay his part .
Not that he was a do-good liberal , for God ’ s sake — indeed , he called himself a conservative .
My daddy didn ’ t even know he had a political philosophy , but he did , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve ever heard .
He would often say to me , “ Everybody does better when everybody does better.
” If only our leaders in Washington and on Wall Street would begin practicing this true American philosophy .

Ho-ho-ho, wait till you hear about the gifts I gave to some of America’s power elite special people for Christmas.
To each of our Congress critters, those oh-so special people, I sent my fondest wish that from now on, they receive the exact same income, health care and pension that we average citizens get. If they receive only the American average, it might make them a bit more humble — and less cavalier about ignoring the needs of regular folks.
To the stockings of GOP leaders who’ve so eagerly debased themselves to serve the madness of President Donald Trump, I added individual spritzer bottles of fragrances such as “Essence of Integrity” and “Eau de Self-Respect” to help cover up their stench. And in the stockings of Democratic congressional leaders, I put “Spice of Viagra” and “Bouquet du Grassroots” to stiffen their spines and remind them of who they represent.
For America’s CEOs, my gift is a beautifully boxed, brand-new set of corporate ethics. It’s called the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Going to pollute someone’s neighborhood? Then you have to live there, too. Going to slash wages and benefits? Then slash yours as well. Going to move your manufacturing to sweatshops in China? Then put your office right inside the worst sweatshop. Executive life wouldn’t be as luxurious, but CEOs would glow with a new purity of spirit.
To the Wall Street hedge fund hucksters who’ve conglomerated, plundered and degraded hundreds of America’s newspapers, I’ve sent copies of “Journalism for Dummies” and offered jobs for each of them in their stripped-down, Dickensian newsrooms. Good luck.
And what better gift to the Trump family — Donald, Ivanka and Jared, Eric, Donnie Jr. and the whole nest of them — than to wish that they live with one another constantly and permanently? No, really, each of you deserve it.
Yes, I have finally mastered the art of finding perfect gifts for people on my list — gifts that rise above crass commercialism and are genuinely appreciated by the people who receive them. I wholeheartedly recommend such gift-giving to you.
This holiday season got me thinking about America’s spirit of giving, and I don’t mean this overdone business of Christmas, Hanukkah and other holiday gifts. I mean our true spirit of giving — giving of ourselves.
Yes, we are a country of rugged individualists, yet there’s also a deep, community-minded streak in each of us. We’re a people who believe in the notion that we’re all in this together, that we can make our individual lives better by contributing to the common good.
The establishment media pay little attention to grassroots generosity, focusing instead on the occasional showy donation by what it calls “philanthropists” — big tycoons who give a little piece of their billions to some university or museum in exchange for a building named after them. But in my mind, the real philanthropists are the millions of you ordinary folks who have precious little money to give but consistently give of yourselves, and do it without demanding that your name be engraved on a granite wall.
My own daddy — rest his soul — was a fine example of this. With half a dozen other guys in Denison, Texas, he started the Little League Baseball program, volunteering to build the park, sponsor and coach the teams, run the squawking PA system, etc., etc. Even after I graduated from Little League, Daddy stayed working at it, because his involvement was not merely for his kids … but for all. He felt the same way about being taxed to build a public library in town. I don’t recall him ever going in that building, much less checking out a book, but he wanted it to be there for the community, and he was happy to pay his part. Not that he was a do-good liberal, for God’s sake — indeed, he called himself a conservative.
My daddy didn’t even know he had a political philosophy, but he did, and it’s the best I’ve ever heard. He would often say to me, “Everybody does better when everybody does better.” If only our leaders in Washington and on Wall Street would begin practicing this true American philosophy.


humortimes--2020-12-23--Melania Trump’s Christmas Letter

Melania Trump’s Christmas Letter

A Christmas letter to America , from the First Lady .
Merry Christmas from our family to yours .
Once again , we had a wonderful year filled with love , joy and all manner of personal accomplishments .
Donald says that , just like four years ago , he won the presidency in a landslide .
He is so very thankful to all of his supporters , especially those whose votes didn ’ t get counted by the thieving Democrats .
Donald says we will prevail and that the Dems won ’ t get away with this horrible fraud @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it looks like we ’ ll have to move out of the White House , at least temporarily .
Frankly , I don ’ t really mind that much that we have to leave .
I ’ m so fucking tired of this annual White House Christmas decoration shit and will be more than happy to say goodbye to all those lights and trees , especially those goddamn red ones from two years ago .
I know that all our friends appreciate my efforts every Christmas but those horrible socialists are so mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they won ’ t have Melania Trump to kick around anymore .
It ’ s been a great year for the Trumps .
Donald solidified his reputation as the greatest president of all time .
He defeated the deep state , fought back the phony impeachment charges and conquered COVID-19 .
I am so proud of him and I know you are , too .
Please help in whatever way you can to support our efforts to overturn the false election results .
I ’ ve included a postage-paid envelope for you to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fraudsters .
It ’ s been a great year for me , too .
It has been over two years since I have plagiarized others like in my 2016 Convention speech and our 2018 “ Be Best ” booklet .
I am so very proud of that record .
As I always say , we must all hang together or we will surely hang separately and the only thing we have to fear is fear itself .
The rest of the family has also had a great year .
Don , Jr. campaigned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ own chances of running for elected office especially since he now seems to have kicked his powder addiction ( and I ’ m not referring to his downhill skiing LOL ) .
Eric tells me that he did great things in 2020 , too , and is simply too modest to let me list them in our Christmas newsletter .
As for Ivanka , I ’ m sure she ’ ll be sending out her own card and you can judge for yourself regarding her accomplishments .
On the other hand , she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she will likely be very busy in 2021defending various lawsuits and helping her husband Jared avoid bankruptcy .
I tried contacting Tiffany to see how she ’ s doing but had no luck .
Her voicemail message simply says that she has changed her last name to Maples and no longer wants to be associated with the Trump family .
We , of course , will not comment on my son Barron since he is still a minor and is in no way involved with the specious legal claims launched against Donald and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , that Donald is considering officially removing one of the Rs from Barron ’ s name to put him on an equal royal footing with Princess Ivanka .
We hope you will have a joyous , happy and profitable new year .
Donald says that if there ’ s any doubt about that , make sure to include a check in the enclosed envelope and let him know if you need a pardon .
Don ’ t forget to mail your request in before the January 20th deadline to ensure prompt action .

A Christmas letter to America, from the First Lady.
Merry Christmas from our family to yours. Once again, we had a wonderful year filled with love, joy and all manner of personal accomplishments.
Donald says that, just like four years ago, he won the presidency in a landslide. He is so very thankful to all of his supporters, especially those whose votes didn’t get counted by the thieving Democrats.
Donald says we will prevail and that the Dems won’t get away with this horrible fraud. But, in the meantime, it looks like we’ll have to move out of the White House, at least temporarily.
Frankly, I don’t really mind that much that we have to leave. I’m so fucking tired of this annual White House Christmas decoration shit and will be more than happy to say goodbye to all those lights and trees, especially those goddamn red ones from two years ago.
I know that all our friends appreciate my efforts every Christmas but those horrible socialists are so mean about my decorating efforts. Well, they won’t have Melania Trump to kick around anymore.
It’s been a great year for the Trumps. Donald solidified his reputation as the greatest president of all time. He defeated the deep state, fought back the phony impeachment charges and conquered COVID-19.
I am so proud of him and I know you are, too. Please help in whatever way you can to support our efforts to overturn the false election results. I’ve included a postage-paid envelope for you to send us a check to fight the fraudsters.
It’s been a great year for me, too. It has been over two years since I have plagiarized others like in my 2016 Convention speech and our 2018 “Be Best” booklet.
I am so very proud of that record. As I always say, we must all hang together or we will surely hang separately and the only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
The rest of the family has also had a great year. Don, Jr. campaigned 24/7 for his father and increased his own chances of running for elected office especially since he now seems to have kicked his powder addiction (and I’m not referring to his downhill skiing LOL).
Eric tells me that he did great things in 2020, too, and is simply too modest to let me list them in our Christmas newsletter. As for Ivanka, I’m sure she’ll be sending out her own card and you can judge for yourself regarding her accomplishments. On the other hand, she may not have time for that since she will likely be very busy in 2021defending various lawsuits and helping her husband Jared avoid bankruptcy.
I tried contacting Tiffany to see how she’s doing but had no luck. Her voicemail message simply says that she has changed her last name to Maples and no longer wants to be associated with the Trump family.
We, of course, will not comment on my son Barron since he is still a minor and is in no way involved with the specious legal claims launched against Donald and others. I will say, however, that Donald is considering officially removing one of the Rs from Barron’s name to put him on an equal royal footing with Princess Ivanka.
We hope you will have a joyous, happy and profitable new year. Donald says that if there’s any doubt about that, make sure to include a check in the enclosed envelope and let him know if you need a pardon. Don’t forget to mail your request in before the January 20th deadline to ensure prompt action.