humortimes--2020-06-04--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Reverend Al Sharpton & President Donald Trump

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Reverend Al Sharpton and President Donald J. Trump .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Today on the show , I have two special guests .
Political activist and MSNBC host of Politics Nation Reverend Al Sharpton .
And President Donald J. Trump .
What does the J stand for after Donald ?
I always thought it was jackass .
The Rev looks like he survived The Hunger Games .
And you look like you swallowed a whale .
Just sayin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an unarmed black man by white cops last week in Minneapolis .
Riots in the streets .
A Target store was looted and burned to the ground .
These people are thugs .
Does it make any sense ?
Yes , Trumpster .
That ’ s because Walmart didn ’ t have what they needed .
I hear Iran has no Walmarts .
Only targets .
Racism is a serious problem in America .
It ’ s gotten worse instead of better .
Yeah .
That ’ s because we don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Are you talking to me , Rev ?
Who do you think ?
In 1973 and ’ 78 , Trump Management was sued by the U.S. Justice Department for housing discrmination against African-American renters .
In 2011 , you pushed a conspiracy that Barack Obama was born in Kenya .
And that lie went on for 4 years .
It ’ s not a lie if you believe it .
There ’ s more , Trumpster .
You said a group of five black teenagers were guilty of a 1989 rape of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fact they were officially exonerated in 2002 .
This was New York City .
“ I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody .
And I wouldn ’ t lose any voters.
” They love me .
I ’ m a stable genius .
Martin Luther King , Jr. said , “ Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
” Don King said , “ Martin Luther King , Jr. took us to the mountain top .
I want to take us to the bank.
” Rev .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Brown ’ s tour manager .
Why did James Brown always tour Asia ?
After seven years on the road , I found a new job .
Started the National Youth Movement to raise resources for impoverished youth .
I pushed for criminal justice reform .
That ’ s so you won ’ t have to go to prison after you leave office .
He ’ s going there , Duncan .
I have dibs on the first license plate the Trumpster makes .
But there is something more important .
I want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ defunded , because Thomas Jefferson owned slaves and had children with his slave Sally Hennings .
I loved The Jeffersons .
Funniest show in television history .
Was Weezy his daughter-in-law ?
If I paid you to think , you could cash in your check at the penny arcade !
I ’ d have to say Norway .
We heard it was Discrimination .
Can I tell you a joke about the wall ?
Never mind .
You won ’ t get over it .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Reverend Al Sharpton and President Donald J. Trump.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show. Today on the show, I have two special guests. Political activist and MSNBC host of Politics Nation Reverend Al Sharpton. And President Donald J. Trump.
REVEREND AL SHARPTON
What does the J stand for after Donald?
JERRY
Jerk.
SHARPTON
I always thought it was jackass.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
The Rev looks like he survived The Hunger Games.
SHARPTON
And you look like you swallowed a whale. Just sayin.
JERRY
There was a tragic murder of an unarmed black man by white cops last week in Minneapolis. Riots in the streets. A Target store was looted and burned to the ground.
TRUMP
These people are thugs. Does it make any sense?
SHARPTON
Yes, Trumpster. That’s because Walmart didn’t have what they needed.
TRUMP
I hear Iran has no Walmarts. Only targets.
JERRY
Racism is a serious problem in America. It’s gotten worse instead of better.
SHARPTON
Yeah. That’s because we don’t have leadership in the White House.
TRUMP
Are you talking to me, Rev?
SHARPTON
Who do you think? In 1973 and ’78, Trump Management was sued by the U.S. Justice Department for housing discrmination against African-American renters. In 2011, you pushed a conspiracy that Barack Obama was born in Kenya. And that lie went on for 4 years.
TRUMP
It’s not a lie if you believe it.
SHARPTON
There’s more, Trumpster. You said a group of five black teenagers were guilty of a 1989 rape of a white woman in Central Park despite the fact they were officially exonerated in 2002.
TRUMP
African countries are shitholes.
SHARPTON
This was New York City.
TRUMP
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody. And I wouldn’t lose any voters.” They love me. I’m a stable genius.
JERRY
Hey, Rev. Inspire us.
SHARPTON
Martin Luther King, Jr. said, “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.”
TRUMP
Don King said, “Martin Luther King, Jr. took us to the mountain top. I want to take us to the bank.”
JERRY
Rev. Early in your career you were James Brown’s tour manager.
SHARPTON
I’m a cool dude.
JERRY
Why did James Brown always tour Asia?
SHARPTON
I don’t know.
JERRY
He loved the Seoul train.
SHARPTON
After seven years on the road, I found a new job. Started the National Youth Movement to raise resources for impoverished youth. I pushed for criminal justice reform.
TRUMP
And I signed the criminal justice reform bill.
JERRY
That’s so you won’t have to go to prison after you leave office.
SHARPTON
He’s going there, Duncan. I have dibs on the first license plate the Trumpster makes. But there is something more important. I want the Jefferson Memorial in Washington, D.C. defunded, because Thomas Jefferson owned slaves and had children with his slave Sally Hennings.
TRUMP
I loved The Jeffersons. Funniest show in television history. Was Weezy his daughter-in-law?
SHARPTON
If I paid you to think, you could cash in your check at the penny arcade!
JERRY
Trumpster. What’s your favorite nation?
TRUMP
I’d have to say Norway.
SHARPTON
We heard it was Discrimination.
TRUMP
Fake news.
JERRY
Can I tell you a joke about the wall?
TRUMP
Sure.
JERRY
Never mind. You won’t get over it. See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-06-04--The Militarization of ‘Officer Friendly’

With their shiny recycled military hardware , police chiefs now commonly send out ‘ Officer Friendly ’ squads brandishing heavy arms and garbed in riot gear for peaceful situations .
From 1776 forward , Americans have opposed having soldiers do police work on our soil , but in recent years , Pentagon chiefs have teamed up with police chiefs to circumvent that prohibition .
How ?
Simply by militarizing police departments .
Through the little-known 1033 program , the Pentagon has been shipping massive amounts of surplus war equipment to our local gendarmes .
This reflects a fundamental rewiring of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Police chiefs commonly send out squads brandishing heavy arms and garbed in riot gear for peaceful situations .
Recruiting videos feature clips of SWAT team officers dressed in black , hurling smoke grenades into homes and then storming them , firing automatic weapons .
Who wants anyone recruited by that video working their neighborhood ?
Let ’ s check the weaponry : more than 93,000 machine guns , 533 planes and helicopters , 180,000 magazine cartridges and 432 Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected vehicles .
While it sounds like this could be the U.S. military @ @ @ @ @ @ @ local police departments patrolling our cities .
Remember “ Officer Friendly , ” the beat cops who were known as “ peace officers ” ?
The friendlies have largely been transformed into militarized forces , armed with and garbed in war gear , and indoctrinated in military psychology , rather than the ethic of community policing .
Thirty years ago , Congress created the 1033 military transfer program , providing federal grants so chiefs of police and sheriffs could buy surplus firepower from the Pentagon .
In a stunningly short time , our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , possessing an armory of Pentagon freebies ranging from 30-ton tanks to rifle suppressors .
They ’ ve gone from peacekeeping beats to over-the-top SWAT team aggression , with SWAT teams unleashed on the citizenry tens of thousands of times a year , mainly for ordinary police work .
Corporate arms peddlers , of course , have leapt into direct sales , holding field demonstrations and trade shows to titillate the fancy of police chiefs and other officials .
Genasys , for example , makes the long-range sound cannons that are used on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ear-shattering pain .
Also , such tear gas makers as CTS are having a field day supplying and resupplying police agencies .
Then there ’ s Axon ’ s electrocution guns ( which can stop hearts ) , now on the hip of nearly everyone with a badge .
Militarization is a dangerous and ultimately deadly perversion of the honorable purpose of policing — and it is out of control .
Most of our states have received suppressors , or silencers to use in surreptitious raids .
A sheriff in a North Dakota @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a New York Times reporter that he saw no need for silencers .
When it was pointed out that his department had 40 of them , he was baffled , saying : “ I don ’ t recall approving them.
” And a city councilman in rural Wisconsin commented when told his police officers were getting a 9-foot-tall armored vehicle , “ Somebody has to be the first person to say ‘ Why are we doing this ? '
” The New York Times reported that the town ’ s police chief responded @ @ @ @ @ @ @ possibility of violence.
” Really ?
Who threatens us with such mayhem that every burg needs a war-zone armory and a commando mentality ?
In 2015 , the Obama administration banned many of the military weapons and equipment from being transferred to local police .
This came in response to public fury over law enforcement using excessive militarized force against protestors in Ferguson , Missouri , in 2014 , after Michael Brown , an unarmed black man , was killed by a white police officer for the crime of jaywalking .
However , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump overturned Obama ’ s ban , returning weapons of war to local police departments including small rural towns and — get this — school police departments across the country .
Now we ’ re seeing this equipment being used once again against peaceful protesters who are protesting police violence .

With their shiny recycled military hardware, police chiefs now commonly send out ‘Officer Friendly’ squads brandishing heavy arms and garbed in riot gear for peaceful situations.
From 1776 forward, Americans have opposed having soldiers do police work on our soil, but in recent years, Pentagon chiefs have teamed up with police chiefs to circumvent that prohibition. How? Simply by militarizing police departments.
Through the little-known 1033 program, the Pentagon has been shipping massive amounts of surplus war equipment to our local gendarmes. This reflects a fundamental rewiring of the mindset now guiding neighborhood policing. Police chiefs commonly send out squads brandishing heavy arms and garbed in riot gear for peaceful situations. Recruiting videos feature clips of SWAT team officers dressed in black, hurling smoke grenades into homes and then storming them, firing automatic weapons. Who wants anyone recruited by that video working their neighborhood?
Let’s check the weaponry: more than 93,000 machine guns, 533 planes and helicopters, 180,000 magazine cartridges and 432 Mine-Resistant Ambush Protected vehicles. While it sounds like this could be the U.S. military, it’s your and my local police departments patrolling our cities. Remember “Officer Friendly,” the beat cops who were known as “peace officers”? The friendlies have largely been transformed into militarized forces, armed with and garbed in war gear, and indoctrinated in military psychology, rather than the ethic of community policing.
Thirty years ago, Congress created the 1033 military transfer program, providing federal grants so chiefs of police and sheriffs could buy surplus firepower from the Pentagon. In a stunningly short time, our local police forces have become macho-military units, possessing an armory of Pentagon freebies ranging from 30-ton tanks to rifle suppressors. They’ve gone from peacekeeping beats to over-the-top SWAT team aggression, with SWAT teams unleashed on the citizenry tens of thousands of times a year, mainly for ordinary police work.
Corporate arms peddlers, of course, have leapt into direct sales, holding field demonstrations and trade shows to titillate the fancy of police chiefs and other officials. Genasys, for example, makes the long-range sound cannons that are used on protestors, literally blasting away demonstrators with ear-shattering pain. Also, such tear gas makers as CTS are having a field day supplying and resupplying police agencies. Then there’s Axon’s electrocution guns (which can stop hearts), now on the hip of nearly everyone with a badge.
Militarization is a dangerous and ultimately deadly perversion of the honorable purpose of policing — and it is out of control. Most of our states have received suppressors, or silencers to use in surreptitious raids. A sheriff in a North Dakota rural county with only 11,000 people told a New York Times reporter that he saw no need for silencers. When it was pointed out that his department had 40 of them, he was baffled, saying: “I don’t recall approving them.”
And a city councilman in rural Wisconsin commented when told his police officers were getting a 9-foot-tall armored vehicle, “Somebody has to be the first person to say ‘Why are we doing this?'” The New York Times reported that the town’s police chief responded, “There’s always a possibility of violence.” Really? Who threatens us with such mayhem that every burg needs a war-zone armory and a commando mentality?
In 2015, the Obama administration banned many of the military weapons and equipment from being transferred to local police. This came in response to public fury over law enforcement using excessive militarized force against protestors in Ferguson, Missouri, in 2014, after Michael Brown, an unarmed black man, was killed by a white police officer for the crime of jaywalking. However, just two years later, President Donald Trump overturned Obama’s ban, returning weapons of war to local police departments including small rural towns and — get this — school police departments across the country. Now we’re seeing this equipment being used once again against peaceful protesters who are protesting police violence.


humortimes--2020-06-06--The Jerry Duncan Show  Play    Pages 72-78 (final pages)

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : Its NYC run was cut short due to the coronavirus .
But you can read it all right here !
And now , for the finale… Behind the screen , it is set up like a prison .
There are prison bars in the background .
Standing are silhouettes of Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in handcuffs .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
The intern playfully slaps Jerry ’ s cheeks , then rubs his shoulders like a boxing trainer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our show is coming from Sing Sing prison in upstate New York .
My guests are former President Donald Trump and his former campaign manager Paul Manafort .
Prison is a beautiful thing .
It ’ s HUGE !
I finally got to see my wall .
Look , Duncan .
There ’ s my friends and former cabinet .
Love it .
They look great in stripes .
So many .
Ryan Zinke , Jeff Sessions , Scott Pruitt , Rudy Giuliani , Mike Pence , William Barr , Roger Stone .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ more .
There ’ s sloppy Steve Bannon walking with a ball and chain .
He ’ s in solitary for popping a zit in the guard ’ s face .
Steve climbed the ugly ladder and didn ’ t miss a step .
Rats .
Scumbags !
Those creeps stole my money and fled to Moscow .
They ’ re living in the Kushner Tower penthouse next to Vladimir Putin .
Maybe .
But it could have been Russia , China , North Korea , Iran and every country in the world @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I do .
She ’ s living with Brad Pitt .
I ’ m not jealous .
Melania worked hard growing up on the south side of Chicago .
Brad Pitt is diagnosed with a rare cancer that necessitates the removal of his entire ass .
He will be a bottomless Pitt .
Hey , Manafort .
You were found guilty on 8 counts of fraud by Special Counsel Robert Mueller .
When you get out , what ’ s next ?
He ’ s so stupid , Duncan .
Manafort ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ characters , so he typed Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs .
I ’ m only stupid , because I worked on your presidential campaign .
Okay , Paulster .
Speaking of wigs .
What do you call a carrot and a potato who both wear wigs ?
Reverend Al Sharpton ’ s silhouette is visible .
He is played by the Announcer .
Don ’ t get giddy .
I ’ m here to give you last rites .
Last rites ?
Am I going to die ?
Well .
The warden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are being transferred to a cell with some Black brothers you and your father discriminated against when they were trying to rent apartments in Queens .
Maggie enters then walks near the screen .
Are you calling me a “ Mother ” , Duncan ?
( embarrassed ) No .
I was talking to my mother .
I don ’ t see no woman standing here .
You don ’ t understand .
She can only talk to me .
And I thought Trump was nuts .
Hey , Duncan .
Do you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ white guys sitting on a bench ?
I need more time to talk .
Visitor day is over .
You and Manafort have to go back to your cell .
Good .
Now deaf people can enjoy them , too .
The prison door slams .
Jerry comes from behind the screen .
Are you glad I ’ m here ?
I didn ’ t tell you how much I loved you when you were growing up .
And I ’ m ashamed .
You ’ re a kind and honest person .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ those stray dogs and cats you would rescue off the streets so they could have a better life .
Thank you for letting me keep them .
I couldn ’ t ask for a better son .
As I look back , I find myself wondering .
Did I remember to thank you for the simple things ?
The laughter , smiles and quiet times we shared .
Quiet times ?
You ’ re in the Guinness World Records for yelling .
I don ’ t yell .
I just raise my voice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Let ’ s move forward in our relationship .
I love you too , mother .
Come here .
It took a long time to say it .
Better late than never .
Me , too .
Hey , I got ta show to do for you .
The lights dim .
Jerry goes behind the screen .
The word democracy is being destroyed before our very eyes .
Every day our freedoms and institutions are being demonized by the president of the United States and his followers .
I mean , Are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s a nationalist ?
417,000 Americans sacrificed their lives in World War 2 to defeat Hitler , Mussolini and Tojo .
These dictators were proud nationalists out to conquer the world and rule through tyranny and oppression .
The FBI leadership is now called scum .
Our CIA and National Security experts are less preferable to the word of Vladimir Putin .
The president is slowly dismantling the pillars of our democracy and replacing it with the new norm by authoritarian tactics , such as bypassing Congress on the rule of law @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is no longer guaranteed .
Multinational corporations are making billions of dollars .
And I suspect just like Trump , not paying their fair share of taxes .
The middle class and poor struggle from paycheck to paycheck or worse .
Those in the president ’ s party that disagree with him are threatened with not being re-elected .
The opposing party is demonized as unpatriotic .
The president sews lies about everything from voter registration to immigration .
Every day our constitution is being underminded from within .
All the while Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crimes against our country for corruption and treason .
Can democracy be saved ?
That is up to each and every one of us when we leave here after the show .
Democracy dies in darkness .
Speak truth to power .
Jerry exits from behind the screen .
There is a pause before Maggie speaks .
I ’ m so proud of you , Jerry .
See what you can do when you put your mind to good use ?
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comes on stage for a curtain call .

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: Its NYC run was cut short due to the coronavirus. But you can read it all right here! And now, for the finale…
Behind the screen, it is set up like a prison. There are prison bars in the background. Standing are silhouettes of Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in handcuffs.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks, then rubs his shoulders like a boxing trainer. Jerry throws fake punches.
INTERN
Go get em, Tiger.
Intern hands him the microphone.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
It’s the best morning.
JERRY
Today our show is coming from Sing Sing prison in upstate New York. My guests are former President Donald Trump and his former campaign manager Paul Manafort.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
Prison is a beautiful thing. It’s HUGE! I finally got to see my wall. Look, Duncan. There’s my friends and former cabinet.
JERRY
Love it. They look great in stripes. So many. Ryan Zinke, Jeff Sessions, Scott Pruitt, Rudy Giuliani, Mike Pence, William Barr, Roger Stone. It’s chain migration.
TRUMP
And more. There’s sloppy Steve Bannon walking with a ball and chain. He’s in solitary for popping a zit in the guard’s face. Steve climbed the ugly ladder and didn’t miss a step.
JERRY
Where’s your son-in-law Jared and daughter Ivanka?
TRUMP
Rats. Scumbags! Those creeps stole my money and fled to Moscow. They’re living in the Kushner Tower penthouse next to Vladimir Putin.
JERRY
Jared hacked your computer. Right?
TRUMP
Maybe. But it could have been Russia, China, North Korea, Iran and every country in the world. They all hate me.
JERRY
Where’s Melania?
TRUMP
I don’t know.
JERRY
But I do. She’s living with Brad Pitt.
TRUMP
I’m not jealous. Melania worked hard growing up on the south side of Chicago.
JERRY
That’s Michelle Obama, you idiot.
TRUMP
Fake news.
PAUL MANAFORT
Brad Pitt is diagnosed with a rare cancer that necessitates the removal of his entire ass. He will be a bottomless Pitt.
JERRY
Hey, Manafort. You were found guilty on 8 counts of fraud by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. When you get out, what’s next?
MANAFORT
I’m going to Disneyland!
TRUMP
He’s so stupid, Duncan. Manafort’s password at the Trump Tower needed 8 characters, so he typed Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs.
MANAFORT
I’m only stupid, because I worked on your presidential campaign.
TRUMP
Nice wig, Paul. What’s it made of ?
MANAFORT
Your mother’s chest hair.
JERRY
Okay, Paulster. Speaking of wigs. What do you call a carrot and a potato who both wear wigs?
MANAFORT
Clueless.
JERRY
Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un.
TRUMP
You’re lucky I’m in cuffs, Duncan.
JERRY
Trumpster. You have a visitor.
Reverend Al Sharpton’s silhouette is visible. He is played by the Announcer.
TRUMP
Al Sharpton, my African American.
REVEREND AL SHARPTON
Don’t get giddy. I’m here to give you last rites.
TRUMP
Last rites? Am I going to die?
SHARPTON
Well. The warden isn’t sure, because you are being transferred to a cell with some Black brothers you and your father discriminated against when they were trying to rent apartments in Queens.
TRUMP
Bad. Very bad. Save me, Rev.
Maggie enters then walks near the screen.
JERRY
(surprised) You, mother?
SHARPTON
Are you calling me a “Mother”, Duncan?
JERRY
(embarrassed) No. I was talking to my mother.
SHARPTON
I don’t see no woman standing here.
JERRY
You don’t understand. She can only talk to me.
SHARPTON
And I thought Trump was nuts. Hey, Duncan. Do you know what you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench?
JERRY
Bums?
SHARPTON
Nope. The NBA.
TRUMP
I need more time to talk.
SHARPTON
Visitor day is over. You and Manafort have to go back to your cell.
SHARPTON
Trump.
TRUMP
What, Rev?
SHARPTON
Your farts stink.
TRUMP
That’s cause I eat baked beans.
SHARPTON
Good. Now deaf people can enjoy them, too.
The prison door slams. Jerry comes from behind the screen.
MAGGIE
I never thought Trump would leave.
JERRY
I never thought you’d come back.
MAGGIE
Are you glad I’m here?
JERRY
Real glad. I mean it.
MAGGIE
No joke?
JERRY
Scouts honor.
MAGGIE
I didn’t tell you how much I loved you when you were growing up. And I’m ashamed. You’re a kind and honest person. Always have been. I remember all those stray dogs and cats you would rescue off the streets so they could have a better life.
JERRY
Thank you for letting me keep them.
MAGGIE
I couldn’t ask for a better son. As I look back, I find myself wondering. Did I remember to thank you for the simple things? The laughter, smiles and quiet times we shared.
JERRY
Quiet times? You’re in the Guinness World Records for yelling.
MAGGIE
I don’t yell. I just raise my voice. There’s a difference. Let’s move forward in our relationship.
JERRY
Absolutely.
MAGGIE
I love you, Jerry.
JERRY
I love you too, mother. Come here.
They hug.
MAGGIE
It took a long time to say it.
JERRY
Better late than never.
MAGGIE
I love a happy ending.
JERRY
Me, too. Hey, I gotta show to do for you.
The lights dim. Jerry goes behind the screen.
JERRY
The word democracy is being destroyed before our very eyes. Every day our freedoms and institutions are being demonized by the president of the United States and his followers. I mean, Are you okay when Donald Trump says he’s a nationalist? 417,000 Americans sacrificed their lives in World War 2 to defeat Hitler, Mussolini and Tojo. These dictators were proud nationalists out to conquer the world and rule through tyranny and oppression. The FBI leadership is now called scum. Our CIA and National Security experts are less preferable to the word of Vladimir Putin. The president is slowly dismantling the pillars of our democracy and replacing it with the new norm by authoritarian tactics, such as bypassing Congress on the rule of law. Separate but equal branches of government is no longer guaranteed. Multinational corporations are making billions of dollars. And I suspect just like Trump, not paying their fair share of taxes. The middle class and poor struggle from paycheck to paycheck or worse. Those in the president’s party that disagree with him are threatened with not being re-elected. The opposing party is demonized as unpatriotic. The president sews lies about everything from voter registration to immigration. Every day our constitution is being underminded from within. All the while Trump pardons political allies who been convicted of crimes against our country for corruption and treason. Can democracy be saved? That is up to each and every one of us when we leave here after the show. Democracy dies in darkness. Speak truth to power.
Jerry exits from behind the screen. There is a pause before Maggie speaks.
MAGGIE
I’m so proud of you, Jerry. See what you can do when you put your mind to good use?
JERRY
Oh, mother.
Lights up.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
END OF PLAY.
The cast comes on stage for a curtain call.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B.Kaner


humortimes--2020-06-06--Coronavirus Updates from Around the Slobovian Universe

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
As part of their mission to keep the world informed , SNN presents these coronavirus updates .
In the first of our coronavirus updates , Slobodan Moogigoogi , CEO and president of Trans-Stanckt Airlines , announced today that in order to insure the safety of the airlines passengers from the coronavirus the airline would begin checking passengers temps the old-fashioned way… rectally .
Mr. Moogigoogi explained , “ The only way to get an accurate temperature reading is with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we have gotten with the commonly-used temporal forehead thermometer are not accurate — they have ranged from 52 degrees to 124 degrees.
” Trans-Stanckt has hired Dr. Umbeeyumbyum Bey of The STD Medical Group to head up the project .
Dr.Bey also revealed that inflight medical procedures as vaginal replacement , frontal lobotomy and Barfilonas removal will be available to passengers .
Schnotzelvakian Health Ministry reveals reason for no coronavirus cases in the country Dr. Sniffya Butte of the Schnotzelvakian Health Ministry revealed the reason that there have been no reported cases of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ There has been no coronavirus in Schnotzelvakia because most modern citizens of our country still practice the ancient cleasing ritual of Phoomphenating.
” In Phoomphenating , a person drinks a ritual beverage consisting of nine-day-old sauerkraut juice and kerosene .
This causes the person to phoomph ( or fart in English ) up to 2500 times a day .
Dr. Butte continued , saying , “ The coronavirus is unable to stand up to Phoomphing.
” Phoomphenating is big business in Schnotzelvakia .
There are phoomph drinks , phoomph clinics and , in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phoomph .
Lab rats display unusual talents after being injected with anti-coronavirus serum Piskifartsi Labs has been developing an anti-coronavirus serum .
They have reported that since injecting lab rats with the serum , several of the lab rats have developed unsual talents : One rat can now sing The Temptations song in Yiddish .
Another rat can recite The Book of Revelations backwards .
Still another rat awakens everyday at 4:00AM , tweets all kind of junk , and signs it “ Donald Trump .
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
As part of their mission to keep the world informed, SNN presents these coronavirus updates.
Part of the continuing series, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network).
Major Slobovian airline to check passengers temps rectally
In the first of our coronavirus updates, Slobodan Moogigoogi, CEO and president of Trans-Stanckt Airlines, announced today that in order to insure the safety of the airlines passengers from the coronavirus the airline would begin checking passengers temps the old-fashioned way… rectally.
Mr. Moogigoogi explained, “The only way to get an accurate temperature reading is with the rectal thermometer. The readings that we have gotten with the commonly-used temporal forehead thermometer are not accurate — they have ranged from 52 degrees to 124 degrees.”
Trans-Stanckt has hired Dr. Umbeeyumbyum Bey of The STD Medical Group to head up the project. Dr.Bey also revealed that inflight medical procedures as vaginal replacement, frontal lobotomy and Barfilonas removal will be available to passengers.
Schnotzelvakian Health Ministry reveals reason for no coronavirus cases in the country
Dr. Sniffya Butte of the Schnotzelvakian Health Ministry revealed the reason that there have been no reported cases of the coronavirus in that country: “There has been no coronavirus in Schnotzelvakia because most modern citizens of our country still practice the ancient cleasing ritual of Phoomphenating.”
In Phoomphenating, a person drinks a ritual beverage consisting of nine-day-old sauerkraut juice and kerosene. This causes the person to phoomph (or fart in English) up to 2500 times a day.
Dr. Butte continued, saying, “The coronavirus is unable to stand up to Phoomphing.”
Phoomphenating is big business in Schnotzelvakia. There are phoomph drinks, phoomph clinics and, in development, a car that runs on phoomph.
Lab rats display unusual talents after being injected with anti-coronavirus serum
Piskifartsi Labs has been developing an anti-coronavirus serum. They have reported that since injecting lab rats with the serum, several of the lab rats have developed unsual talents:
One rat can now sing The Temptations song in Yiddish.
Another rat can recite The Book of Revelations backwards.
Still another rat awakens everyday at 4:00AM, tweets all kind of junk, and signs it “Donald Trump.”


Movie Review: “Shirley”

Charlotte Brontë ’ s novel that followed “ Jane Eyre ” in the mid 19th century was popular enough , at the time , to cause a gender shift insofar as the name “ Shirley ” is concerned .
Under the epicine name of Currer Bell , Charlotte titled her book that came after “ Jane Eyre , ” “ Shirley : A Tale.
” Up until then , the name “ Shirley ” was what parents bestowed on a male child .
I have a cousin named “ Shirley ” and a male she is not .
So , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ convoluted way of getting to the review a motion picture now is current release that is merely titled “ Shirley.
” But it ’ s a bio-pic about another successful and more contemporary female author by the name of Shirley Jackson : best known , among other works , for her chilling novel “ The Haunting of Hill House.
” Many say the movie made from that terrifying Jackson tome is the best horror film ever .
“ The Haunting ” ( 1963 ) , was directed by Robert Wise and starred Julie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ relationship between two woman is the focus of director Josephine Decker ’ s “ Shirley.
” Elizabeth Moss is Shirley and Odessa Young is Rose , a younger female who ’ s come with her fiancé , Fred ( Logan Lerman ) , to stay a short while with Shirley and her husband , Stanley ( Michael Stuhlbarg ) .
The young couple is shopping for Fred being tenured at the college where Stanley is a professor .
Rose and Fred are looking for an apartment and Stanley has graciously offered them his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can get their own place .
Shirley , you ’ ll soon perceive , is anything but gracious .
She ’ s pretty much and rather a bitch , but quite an interesting one : a talented author of popular books of horror .
Stanley is a vivacious and , dare I say , lascivious lecturer who is an obvious philanderer .
The married couple is distantly reminiscent of Liz and Dick when they played Martha and George in Mike Nichols ’ picture of the Edward Albee play , “ Who ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the film progresses , it becomes clear that both Shirley and Stanley are magnificent game players… with Rose and Fred… and each other .
The slow but inexorably mounting influence Shirley has over Rose ’ s personality can be frightening .
Such a power trip for Shirley… and Stanley always on the lookout for any signal from Rose that he might , as they say , have his way with her .
Poor Fred .
He ’ s just wanting to get Stanley to laud over his dissertation and grease the skids for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ great Edward Albee might… if he could now… cry , “ foul , ” but much more acerbically .
Decker ’ s natural lighting and montage-like moments , collapsed in brilliant editing and dissolves , give the film more forward motion than you might imagine .
Music is supplied sparingly , but with just the right amount of scratchy string playing to keep the edge on .
Sound effects are stage-like .
When an actor is flailing about something commanding her or him to do in the script , you actually hear the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ room .
I was using earpieces for this screening , so I had a close up appreciation of ambient noise .
Shirley is writing what she thinks is her best novel as the film proceeds .
Stanley is goading her on and willing to give her notes at any turn , while Rose is unknowingly the guiding muse for what happens to “ Paula , ” the girl who goes missing in the yet untitled work trying to get on the page and out of the dark , disturbed mind of Shirley Jackson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a “ don ’ t-breathe-a-word ” spot near the ending that invites one to think , ah , this is how it all ends : Shirley ’ s novel and Decker ’ s movie .
I will not give away anything on that , except to say : however Ms. Jackson ends her novel has got to be a bit more exciting than how Decker finishes her motion picture .
On the other hand , I wouldn ’ t miss out on watching “ Shirley ” again… especially with other people who are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time as I was .
“ Shirley ” is available , for a modest fee , to see on Neon .
Where have all the wide screens gone ?
Gone to online , everyone .

“Shirley” — a film review by Gary Chew
Charlotte Brontë’s novel that followed “Jane Eyre” in the mid 19th century was popular enough, at the time, to cause a gender shift insofar as the name “Shirley” is concerned. Under the epicine name of Currer Bell, Charlotte titled her book that came after “Jane Eyre,” “Shirley: A Tale.” Up until then, the name “Shirley” was what parents bestowed on a male child. I have a cousin named “Shirley” and a male she is not. So, there you go.
This is a convoluted way of getting to the review a motion picture now is current release that is merely titled “Shirley.” But it’s a bio-pic about another successful and more contemporary female author by the name of Shirley Jackson: best known, among other works, for her chilling novel “The Haunting of Hill House.” Many say the movie made from that terrifying Jackson tome is the best horror film ever. “The Haunting” (1963), was directed by Robert Wise and starred Julie Harris and Claire Bloom.
A changing relationship between two woman is the focus of director Josephine Decker’s “Shirley.” Elizabeth Moss is Shirley and Odessa Young is Rose, a younger female who’s come with her fiancé, Fred (Logan Lerman), to stay a short while with Shirley and her husband, Stanley (Michael Stuhlbarg). The young couple is shopping for Fred being tenured at the college where Stanley is a professor. Rose and Fred are looking for an apartment and Stanley has graciously offered them his and Shirley’s home till they can get their own place.
Shirley, you’ll soon perceive, is anything but gracious. She’s pretty much and rather a bitch, but quite an interesting one: a talented author of popular books of horror. Stanley is a vivacious and, dare I say, lascivious lecturer who is an obvious philanderer. The married couple is distantly reminiscent of Liz and Dick when they played Martha and George in Mike Nichols’ picture of the Edward Albee play, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”
As the film progresses, it becomes clear that both Shirley and Stanley are magnificent game players… with Rose and Fred… and each other. The slow but inexorably mounting influence Shirley has over Rose’s personality can be frightening. Such a power trip for Shirley… and Stanley always on the lookout for any signal from Rose that he might, as they say, have his way with her. Poor Fred. He’s just wanting to get Stanley to laud over his dissertation and grease the skids for Fred getting a tenured gig. The great Edward Albee might… if he could now… cry, “foul,” but much more
acerbically.
Decker’s natural lighting and montage-like moments, collapsed in brilliant editing and dissolves, give the film more forward motion than you might imagine. Music is supplied sparingly, but with just the right amount of scratchy string playing to keep the edge on. Sound effects are stage-like. When an actor is flailing about something commanding her or him to do in the script, you actually hear the loud footfalls of their tromping about the room. I was using earpieces for this screening, so I had a close up appreciation of ambient noise.
Shirley is writing what she thinks is her best novel as the film proceeds. Stanley is goading her on and willing to give her notes at any turn, while Rose is unknowingly the guiding muse for what happens to “Paula,” the girl who goes missing in the yet untitled work trying to get on the page and out of the dark, disturbed mind of Shirley Jackson.
All of this boils down to a “don’t-breathe-a-word” spot near the ending that invites one to think, ah, this is how it all ends: Shirley’s novel and Decker’s movie. I will not give away anything on that, except to say: however Ms. Jackson ends her novel has got to be a bit more exciting than how Decker finishes her motion picture. On the other hand, I wouldn’t miss out on watching “Shirley” again… especially with other people who are as excited to see it the first time as I was. “Shirley” is available, for a modest fee, to see on Neon.
Where have all the wide screens gone? Gone to online, everyone.


Arabella’s Dictionary

A thoroughly modern , irreverent dictionary for your edification .
Budtown : Dating site for losers .
Folks join Budtown who are thrice divorced , delight in recidivism and keep beer in the trunk of their cars .
Second most popular website in the country .
Charellant ( sha-rel-lant ) : Adjective to describe a trilling voice inside one ’ s head that sends out signals to others silently and psychically .
A charellant voice can say ‘ I love you ’ to another from a thousand miles away and be received with a startling clarity that will uplift and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
People speak to one another with charellant voices much more often and in greater detail than fact or reason could ever acknowledge .
Gazisser ( ga-zis-er ) : Section of the cheek that gets kissed unwantedly by weird relatives .
‘ Oh , no , I got mushed on the gazisser by Creepy Uncle Ed ’ .
Gojevarro ( go-jeh-var-ro ) : Woke drug dealer .
A gojevarro remembers to say ‘ Happy Holidays ’ instead of ‘ Merry Christmas ‘ to his wretched and debased patrons .
He is extremely gender @ @ @ @ @ @ @ products to the homeless .
Wonderful , respectful and sober-minded guy .
Loutevader ( lout-e-va-dehr ) : When someone tilts diagonally up and away from another whose words and behavior are repulsive , she ’ s executing a body language posture called the ‘ loutevader ’ .
Pruiscient ( pru-is-shent ) : The ability to sense when someone else is about to sneeze .
A pruiscient person may call out ‘ God Bless You !
’ prior to someone ’ s sneeze , causing confusion during the actual sneezing and then an amazed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
’ afterwards .
Rieovmhk ( ree-ohv-mik ) : Icelandic support group for people who have never seen a UFO .
People attend a rieovmhk when they feel something alien is missing from their lives .
River of Stupidity : Embarrassing cousin of the Stream of Consciousness .
Tabopper ( tuh-bop-pur ) : A tabopper is a person who just loves to pop bubble wrap .
‘ Tabop-pop-pop ’ can be heard throughout the house when a tabopper delightedly goes to town on her pack of airy beads .
Uwvert ( ew-vurt ) @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disagree with him on political issues to Nazis .
‘ Stan is just like a Nazi – he believes the homeless should actually be helped !
’ the uwvert bellows to his stall mates in the men ’ s bathroom at work while roughly adjusting his piece .
Mr. Uwvert keeps his mouth open at all times so he can hastily jolt out his unlettered opinions whenever he feels it ’ s required .
And uwverts conjecture that in every situation possible their loudmouthed viewpoint is required .
Vytush ( vi-toosh ) : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wink given to someone to whom one is not attracted .
One may give a vytush to her dentist right before he does surgery on her mouth , hoping it ’ s insurance against tooth pain .

A thoroughly modern, irreverent dictionary for your edification.
Budtown: Dating site for losers. Folks join Budtown who are thrice divorced, delight in recidivism and keep beer in the trunk of their cars. Second most popular website in the country.
Charellant (sha-rel-lant): Adjective to describe a trilling voice inside one’s head that sends out signals to others silently and psychically. A charellant voice can say ‘I love you’ to another from a thousand miles away and be received with a startling clarity that will uplift and send the listener into another galaxy entirely. People speak to one another with charellant voices much more often and in greater detail than fact or reason could ever acknowledge.
Foxymoron: A shrewdly sexy idiot.
Gazisser (ga-zis-er): Section of the cheek that gets kissed unwantedly by weird relatives. ‘Oh, no, I got mushed on the gazisser by Creepy Uncle Ed’.
Gojevarro (go-jeh-var-ro): Woke drug dealer. A gojevarro remembers to say ‘Happy Holidays’ instead of ‘Merry Christmas‘ to his wretched and debased patrons. He is extremely gender conscious and not afraid to peddle his products to the homeless. Wonderful, respectful and sober-minded guy.
Jazzerjive (jaz-er-jiv): Pretend exercise.
Loutevader (lout-e-va-dehr): When someone tilts diagonally up and away from another whose words and behavior are repulsive, she’s executing a body language posture called the ‘loutevader’.
Martyrdon (mar-ter-don): A high-ranking mafia member who complains and suffers constantly.
Pruiscient (pru-is-shent): The ability to sense when someone else is about to sneeze. A pruiscient person may call out ‘God Bless You!’ prior to someone’s sneeze, causing confusion during the actual sneezing and then an amazed ‘how did you know?!?’ afterwards.
Rieovmhk (ree-ohv-mik): Icelandic support group for people who have never seen a UFO. People attend a rieovmhk when they feel something alien is missing from their lives.
River of Stupidity: Embarrassing cousin of the Stream of Consciousness.
Tabopper (tuh-bop-pur): A tabopper is a person who just loves to pop bubble wrap. ‘Tabop-pop-pop’ can be heard throughout the house when a tabopper delightedly goes to town on her pack of airy beads.
Uwvert (ew-vurt): Disrespectful sleaze who equates those who disagree with him on political issues to Nazis. ‘Stan is just like a Nazi – he believes the homeless should actually be helped!’ the uwvert bellows to his stall mates in the men’s bathroom at work while roughly adjusting his piece. Mr. Uwvert keeps his mouth open at all times so he can hastily jolt out his unlettered opinions whenever he feels it’s required. And uwverts conjecture that in every situation possible their loudmouthed viewpoint is required.
Vytush (vi-toosh): Insincere flirtation. A vytush is a wink given to someone to whom one is not attracted. One may give a vytush to her dentist right before he does surgery on her mouth, hoping it’s insurance against tooth pain.


humortimes--2020-06-09--Pandemic Pals & Helpful Chores

Pandemic Pals & Helpful Chores

If you ’ re in a position to do a little more during this lockdown , you might want to tackle one of these helpful chores !
For over two months , many of us have been locked down thanks to this crazy pandemic .
While we ’ ve been repeatedly told that , by staying home , we ’ re doing our part , somehow it doesn ’ t always feel that way .
If you ’ re in a position to do a little more , you might want to tackle one of these helpful chores : If @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s White House serving staff , you could be in a position to help .
Now that the President has stopped taking hydroxychloroquine , maybe you could substitute Ativan or an edible THC product , anything , frankly , to tone down his rhetoric and decrease his FOT ( or frequency of tweeting ) .
Any admin assistant to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo could do the state ( and even the nation ) a favor by jazzing up his daily PowerPoint presentations .
Maybe a fancy picture or two or possibly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what the Governor is actually saying .
At the very least , try mixing up the font and color selection .
It never hurts to throw in a little Garamond or Gotham from time to time .
Any Canadians looking to help out could start a GoFundMe page to raise money to get a haircut for Justin Trudeau .
The guy ’ s definitely looking a little shaggy and could use a trim or two .
If there happens to be a surplus in the account , it could be used to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ living in Wilmington , Delaware might want to think about lonely seniors sheltering in place in their city and how they could help them out .
In particular , there is one aging senior named Joseph R. Biden , Jr. reportedly spending the pandemic in a basement .
If a handful of Wilmingtonians could show up and wave to this 77-year-old shut-in through his basement window , I ’ m sure he ’ d appreciate it .
If you ’ ve tested positive for COVID-19 and you ’ re regularly in contact with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Drs .
Fauci and Birx , you could do them a big favor by passing within six feet of them .
They ’ ve already wrangled one two-week sabbatical but the desperate look in their eyes says they sure could use another vacation .
Any Washingtonians living near Number One Observatory Circle who are not female , might consider helping out one of their neighbors , in this case , the nation ’ s Vice President .
Given the national emergency , top executives like Mike Pence often don ’ t have time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ ve got the time , perhaps you could do some shopping for him and leave a few essential items on his front porch such as whole milk , white bread , white rice , mayo , marshmallows and some sanitary wipes to clean off his lips .
There ’ s a whole group of folks who , until recently , had a high profile and a lot of public recognition but are now house-bound and almost forgotten : former Democratic presidential candidates .
If you are a compassionate person with a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nice if you could set up a Zoom meeting with folks like Bernie Sanders , Elizabeth Warren , Amy Klobuchar , Kamala Harris and Pete Buttigieg and pretend to be interested in their political positions .

If you’re in a position to do a little more during this lockdown, you might want to tackle one of these helpful chores!
For over two months, many of us have been locked down thanks to this crazy pandemic. While we’ve been repeatedly told that, by staying home, we’re doing our part, somehow it doesn’t always feel that way. If you’re in a position to do a little more, you might want to tackle one of these helpful chores:
If you happen to be on Donald Trump’s White House serving staff, you could be in a position to help. Now that the President has stopped taking hydroxychloroquine, maybe you could substitute Ativan or an edible THC product, anything, frankly, to tone down his rhetoric and decrease his FOT (or frequency of tweeting).
Any admin assistant to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo could do the state (and even the nation) a favor by jazzing up his daily PowerPoint presentations. Maybe a fancy picture or two or possibly some text or a joke unrelated to what the Governor is actually saying. At the very least, try mixing up the font and color selection. It never hurts to throw in a little Garamond or Gotham from time to time.
Any Canadians looking to help out could start a GoFundMe page to raise money to get a haircut for Justin Trudeau. The guy’s definitely looking a little shaggy and could use a trim or two. If there happens to be a surplus in the account, it could be used to get his recently-acquired beard shaved off.
Anyone living in Wilmington, Delaware might want to think about lonely seniors sheltering in place in their city and how they could help them out. In particular, there is one aging senior named Joseph R. Biden, Jr. reportedly spending the pandemic in a basement. If a handful of Wilmingtonians could show up and wave to this 77-year-old shut-in through his basement window, I’m sure he’d appreciate it.
If you’ve tested positive for COVID-19 and you’re regularly in contact with the White House’s pandemic experts Drs. Fauci and Birx, you could do them a big favor by passing within six feet of them. They’ve already wrangled one two-week sabbatical but the desperate look in their eyes says they sure could use another vacation.
Any Washingtonians living near Number One Observatory Circle who are not female, might consider helping out one of their neighbors, in this case, the nation’s Vice President. Given the national emergency, top executives like Mike Pence often don’t have time to stock up on essentials. If you’ve got the time, perhaps you could do some shopping for him and leave a few essential items on his front porch such as whole milk, white bread, white rice, mayo, marshmallows and some sanitary wipes to clean off his lips.
There’s a whole group of folks who, until recently, had a high profile and a lot of public recognition but are now house-bound and almost forgotten: former Democratic presidential candidates. If you are a compassionate person with a lot of patience, it would be nice if you could set up a Zoom meeting with folks like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Kamala Harris and Pete Buttigieg and pretend to be interested in their political positions.


humortimes--2020-06-09--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews General James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis

Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today on the show my guest is retired General James ‘ Mad Dog ’ Mattis .
Good morning , Sir .
We know .
Someone threw a beer at him during last night ’ s Washington Nationals baseball game .
It was a draft , so he easily dodged it .
All gave some .
Some gave all .
One had bone spurs .
Why did you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t convince the Trumpster to reconsider withdrawing all American troops from Syria .
He wanted to cut and run , leaving the region a powder keg .
I told him , you understand that if we leave , Assad and Russia will take over .
What did he say ?
That the national bird of Syria is a U.S. drone and walked out .
Hey , Mad Dog .
Where does a Syrian go during a drone strike ?
You ’ re 70 years old .
What a resume .
Commanded @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 1990 to ’ 91 .
Headed the U.S. Joint Forces Command from 2007 to ’ 10 .
Commander of the U.S. Central Command from 2010 to ’ 13 .
And you haven ’ t had a girlfriend since 8th grade .
I lost the girl of my dreams .
Sally Stone was her name .
We used to pick apples in her family orchid .
She would climb up a tree and I ’ d shake it .
The apples would fall on my head .
Sometimes Sally would , too .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ introduced me to a new game .
Squirrel , squirrel , who ’ s got the nuts ?
Well .
She got caught by her dad holding mine .
Yeah .
She was sent to a boarding school .
I wrote letters , but they were all returned .
May I read the last one ?
I miss you so much .
My love for you is like diarrhea .
I can ’ t hold it in .
Did you hear about the blind man who walked into a bar…and a chair…and a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to run away and join the Marines .
I ’ m sure none of this makes any sense to you .
But it does to me .
When someone asks me if I ’ m seeing anyone , I automatically assume they are talking about a psychiatrist .
You need a shrink !
You ’ re a sick man .
Duncan , let me tell you what I did today .
I showed some Syrians my new drone .
They were blown away by it .
Maybe I ’ ll try Chicago next @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Our cities are not a battlespace .
We do not call our uniformed military to divide and conquer .
Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people .
Listen to Lincoln ’ s better angels as we work to unite .
I feel great you resigned , Mad Dog .
Didn ’ t like much about your leadership style .
And who cares about Abe Lincoln ?
He and quarterback Eli Manning have something in common .
Neither could finish a play @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lisa Murkowski have defended the general .
Two losers .
I ’ m campaigning for Murkowski ’ s opponent in Warsaw this fall .
The Senator is from Alaska .
How can she prove it ?
Because she knows which leaves make good toilet paper .
If you read anything , you ’ d know that .
Okay .
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed ?
Too easy .
At the bottom of the page .
I ’ m a stable genius .
What ?
It ’ s like saying because you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an expert on the weather .
Oh well .
That ’ s why I live with mental illness .
Melania is jealous .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews retired General James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is retired General James ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis. Good morning, Sir.
GENERAL JAMES MATTIS
Trump is a moron.
JERRY
We know. Someone threw a beer at him during last night’s Washington Nationals baseball game. It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.
MATTIS
All gave some. Some gave all. One had bone spurs.
JERRY
Why did you resign as Secretary of Defense?
MATTIS
I couldn’t convince the Trumpster to reconsider withdrawing all American troops from Syria. He wanted to cut and run, leaving the region a powder keg. I told him, you understand that if we leave, Assad and Russia will take over.
JERRY
What did he say?
MATTIS
That the national bird of Syria is a U.S. drone and walked out.
JERRY
Hey, Mad Dog. Where does a Syrian go during a drone strike?
MATTIS
Everywhere.
JERRY
You’re 70 years old. What a resume. Commanded forces in the Persian Gulf War from 1990 to ’91. Headed the U.S. Joint Forces Command from 2007 to ’10. Commander of the U.S. Central Command from 2010 to ’13. And you haven’t had a girlfriend since 8th grade.
MATTIS
I lost the girl of my dreams. Sally Stone was her name. We used to pick apples in her family orchard. She would climb up a tree and I’d shake it. The apples would fall on my head. Sometimes Sally would, too. We laughed hysterically. One day, Sally introduced me to a new game. Squirrel, squirrel, who’s got the nuts? Well. She got caught by her dad holding mine.
JERRY
Sounds bad.
MATTIS
Yeah. She was sent to a boarding school. I wrote letters, but they were all returned. May I read the last one?
JERRY
Absolutely.
MATTIS
(reads letter)
Dear Sally,
I miss you so much. My love for you is like diarrhea. I can’t hold it in. Did you hear about the blind man who walked into a bar…and a chair…and a table? Someday I’m going to run away and join the Marines. I’m sure none of this makes any sense to you. But it does to me.
Mad Dog
JERRY
Beautiful.
MATTIS
When someone asks me if I’m seeing anyone, I automatically assume they are talking about a psychiatrist.
Donald Trump bursts through the studio door.
DONALD TRUMP
You need a shrink! You’re a sick man. Duncan, let me tell you what I did today. I showed some Syrians my new drone. They were blown away by it. Maybe I’ll try Chicago next.
MATTIS
We must reject thinking like that. Our cities are not a battlespace. We do not call our uniformed military to divide and conquer. Donald Trump is the first president in my lifetime who does not try to unite the American people. Listen to Lincoln’s better angels as we work to unite.
TRUMP
I feel great you resigned, Mad Dog. Didn’t like much about your leadership style. And who cares about Abe Lincoln? He and quarterback Eli Manning have something in common. Neither could finish a play.
JERRY
General John Kelly and Alaska Senator Lisa Murkowski have defended the general.
TRUMP
Two losers. I’m campaigning for Murkowski’s opponent in Warsaw this fall.
JERRY
The Senator is from Alaska.
TRUMP
How can she prove it?
JERRY
Because she knows which leaves make good toilet paper. If you read anything, you’d know that.
TRUMP
I read. I’m a history buff.
JERRY
Okay. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
TRUMP
Too easy. At the bottom of the page. I’m a stable genius.
JERRY
What? It’s like saying because you slept with someone named Stormy makes you an expert on the weather.
TRUMP
Oh well. That’s why I live with mental illness. Melania is jealous.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-06-09--Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/9/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/9/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon .
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to vote for first time ever : “ I can ’ t stand to see this punk in office ” Although , someone ’ s probably gon na have to remind him… Police , organizers and businesses in Washington , D.C see biggest George Floyd protests yet Damn , there were so many people in DC , you ’ d think an Obama inauguration was about to happen !
Two Missouri hairstylists sick with the coronavirus , exposed 140 clients to the virus … look for their new salon ‘ Hair , Today @ @ @ @ @ @ @ urges an end to threats targeting Amy Cooper , white woman who accosted him Interestingly , Amy Cooper lost her dog and her job .
Christian Cooper could ’ ve lost his life .
Right there is the difference between Rap and Country music !
“ Enough is enough ” : Former Defense Secretary Mattis blasts Trump over handling of protests I ’ m thinking Jim Mattis should run for Prez just for the bumper sticker ‘ Mad Dog 2020.
’ That ’ s like R. Kelly questioning the age of anyone ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ flashed her daughter ’ s class on Zoom and shared the story to show parents it ’ s “ OK not to be perfect ” Not to mention , putting the T & A in PTA… Trump announces he ’ s terminating relationship with the WHO No word whether he ’ ll replace them with PINK FLOYD or Led ZEPPELIN .
Astronauts aboard NASA and SpaceX ’ s historic mission have been best friends for 20 years – and their wives are also both astronauts The big question is which one has a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Astro ?
!
What didn ’ t she mean now ?
Kylie Jenner and Kris Jenner are “ freaking out ” about Forbes ’ claims she lied about being a billionaire On the upside , they ’ ve been accepted to USC on crew scholarships .
Ivanka Trump cries “ cancel culture ” and “ discrimination ” to blame for commencement speech cancellation Hmmm , sounds like Ivanka is the Czech word for Karen .
Queen Elizabeth , 94 , is back in the saddle , riding her pony without a helmet at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the gutter , people .
US added 2.5 million jobs in May … but look for Republicans to claim most of those are protesters hired by George Soros…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Snoop Dogg plans to vote for first time ever: “I can’t stand to see this punk in office”
Although, someone’s probably gonna have to remind him…
Police, organizers and businesses in Washington, D.C see biggest George Floyd protests yet
Damn, there were so many people in DC, you’d think an Obama inauguration was about to happen!
Two Missouri hairstylists sick with the coronavirus, exposed 140 clients to the virus
… look for their new salon ‘Hair, Today; Gone, Tomorrow.’
Christian Cooper urges an end to threats targeting Amy Cooper, white woman who accosted him
Interestingly, Amy Cooper lost her dog and her job. Christian Cooper could’ve lost his life. Right there is the difference between Rap and Country music!
“Enough is enough”: Former Defense Secretary Mattis blasts Trump over handling of protests
I’m thinking Jim Mattis should run for Prez just for the bumper sticker ‘Mad Dog 2020.’
Trump is questioning Biden’s age and fitness
That’s like R. Kelly questioning the age of anyone’s prom date.
A mom accidentally flashed her daughter’s class on Zoom and shared the story to show parents it’s “OK not to be perfect”
Not to mention, putting the T & A in PTA…
Trump announces he’s terminating relationship with the WHO
No word whether he’ll replace them with PINK FLOYD or Led ZEPPELIN.
Astronauts aboard NASA and SpaceX’s historic mission have been best friends for 20 years – and their wives are also both astronauts
The big question is which one has a boy named Elroy and his dog is Astro?!
Susan Collins is trending
What didn’t she mean now?
Kylie Jenner and Kris Jenner are “freaking out” about Forbes’ claims she lied about being a billionaire
On the upside, they’ve been accepted to USC on crew scholarships.
Ivanka Trump cries “cancel culture” and “discrimination” to blame for commencement speech cancellation
Hmmm, sounds like Ivanka is the Czech word for Karen.
Queen Elizabeth, 94, is back in the saddle, riding her pony without a helmet at Windsor Castle
Get your minds out of the gutter, people.
US added 2.5 million jobs in May
… but look for Republicans to claim most of those are protesters hired by George Soros…


humortimes--2020-06-12--Leaked: Trump Experiencing Burning Palms Since Holding Bible

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Both a neurologist and a dermatologist have been seen entering and leaving the White House several times since the afternoon of Trump ’ s infamous bible photo-op , when the police violently cleared the streets of peaceful protesters for the president .
An anonymous source reports that , although there are no visible signs on his skin , President Trump has been experiencing a burning sensation on the palms of his hands .
It began as a mild irritation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ photographers ’ snapped away .
Because the bible had been wiped with a solvent prior to the photo op to make sure it was free of Covid-19 infectious material , it was thought , at first , that his burning palms were a reaction to solvent residue .
However , skin scraping found no evidence of residue and despite various medications applied to his hands , the burning sensation has only increased .
He retires to the bunker several times a day where he can cry , scream , and swear in privacy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ secret letter of apology to the bishop , who returned a letter of acceptance .
To make sure he covered all bases , he ordered an aide to go to a local Catholic church and fill a bottle with holy water from the holy water font in the church entry .
Meaning to put just a few drops of holy water on his hands , Trump tipped and lost grip on the bottle , spilling the entire contents on his hands and the rug .
As the bottle slipped , Trump in exasperation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Immediately , the water on his palms appeared to boil and the burning on his palms intensified , described by him as “ Hot as the fires of hell !
” Others suggest that maybe it was as hot as the burn of tear gas .
As of this writing , there are reports that the two doctors have returned to the White House along with a shaman and an exorcist .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
President takes desperate action to relieve burning palms.
Both a neurologist and a dermatologist have been seen entering and leaving the White House several times since the afternoon of Trump’s infamous bible photo-op, when the police violently cleared the streets of peaceful protesters for the president.
An anonymous source reports that, although there are no visible signs on his skin, President Trump has been experiencing a burning sensation on the palms of his hands.
It began as a mild irritation as he held the bible while the photographers’ snapped away. Because the bible had been wiped with a solvent prior to the photo op to make sure it was free of Covid-19 infectious material, it was thought, at first, that his burning palms were a reaction to solvent residue.
However, skin scraping found no evidence of residue and despite various medications applied to his hands, the burning sensation has only increased. He retires to the bunker several times a day where he can cry, scream, and swear in privacy.
In desperation, Trump sent a secret letter of apology to the bishop, who returned a letter of acceptance. To make sure he covered all bases, he ordered an aide to go to a local Catholic church and fill a bottle with holy water from the holy water font in the church entry.
Meaning to put just a few drops of holy water on his hands, Trump tipped and lost grip on the bottle, spilling the entire contents on his hands and the rug. As the bottle slipped, Trump in exasperation yelled, “Goddamn it!” Immediately, the water on his palms appeared to boil and the burning on his palms intensified, described by him as “Hot as the fires of hell!” Others suggest that maybe it was as hot as the burn of tear gas.
As of this writing, there are reports that the two doctors have returned to the White House along with a shaman and an exorcist.


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humortimes--2020-06-12--George Floyd, Me, You… and a Donald Trump Coup!

Recent events show how vulnerable our democracy is to autocrats , including any possible Trump coup attempt .
Viewing the video of George Floyd ’ s gruesome murder , one word in particular from him stuck in my head , one painful human utterance that conveys the horror of it all .
“ Mama , ” Floyd cried out in desperation and disbelief as his life was cruelly and senselessly suffocated in yet another brutal white-on-black slaying by so-called officers of the law .
This can ’ t be America .
Can it ?
Yes and no .
Certainly , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we accept , one totally antithetical to our people ’ s deeply held democratic values of justice for all .
Yet , from the founding of the nation forward , the official knee on the neck of Floyd has been a common experience for African Americans , and for Latinos , Native Americans and other people of color .
It ’ s that stark separation between the American ideal and reality — now so vividly and violently thrust in our faces — that has ignited such a diverse , massive and furious protest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , this outpouring of public anguish feels different than previous ones , for the protesters are not only angry about what the power establishment did to George Floyd but also angry for themselves .
The intentional spread of inequality in America is now swamping the once-middle-class majority .
So , more and more people — especially among the young — are feeling the establishment ’ s knee crushing their opportunities , rights and lives .
More than empathy for the black community , there ’ s now a shared inkling that the rise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but the moneyed elites , threatening the existence of America itself .
There ’ s a rising political awareness that today ’ s social order is corrupt and the system itself must be changed — not tinkered with but fundamentally changed .
And there ’ s a growing understanding that we really are “ all in this together , ” so we ’ ve got to stand up for George Floyd , one another … and the America we want .
Thousands of Americans are in the streets protesting police brutality and systemic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ President Donald Trump plum crazy !
Of course , that ’ s a pretty short drive for him .
He would be hilarious if his buffoonery were not so dangerous and destructive .
For example , there was his recent bizarre performance of having peaceful protesters gassed , clubbed and shoved out of the public square across from the White House so he could walk out and pose stone-faced with a Bible , as some sort of political stunt .
However , worse than the antics of this unhinged , incredibly shrinking president @ @ @ @ @ @ @ military officials to play along with his infantile attempts to appear manly .
When Trump strutted out to do his little photo-op with a Bible , guess who was loping along right behind him like eager-to-please puppy dogs : Secretary of Defense Mark Esper and Gen. Mark Milley , chairman of America ’ s joint chiefs of staff .
Yes , our nation ’ s top two war chieftains were adding their symbolic blessing to Trump ’ s pathetic desire to look tough , suppress our constitutional right to dissent and militarize his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wore combat fatigues to the media show , apparently to model the authoritarian look We the People can expect in Trump ’ s brave new world .
Esper has been even more servile , playing up to Trump ’ s grandiosity by describing our country as a “ battle space ” that “ we need to dominate.
” Of course , that would make you and me the dominated , which is as un-American as they could get , short of crowning The Donald as America ’ s king — and don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their credit , dozens of U.S. military leaders immediately assailed Esper and Milley for even implying that the armed forces could be anyone ’ s political pawn to police our own people , and both have retreated from Trump ’ s authoritarian stance .
But their willingness to toy with it shows how vulnerable our democracy is to autocrats… and how vigilant We the People must be .

Recent events show how vulnerable our democracy is to autocrats, including any possible Trump coup attempt.
Viewing the video of George Floyd’s gruesome murder, one word in particular from him stuck in my head, one painful human utterance that conveys the horror of it all. “Mama,” Floyd cried out in desperation and disbelief as his life was cruelly and senselessly suffocated in yet another brutal white-on-black slaying by so-called officers of the law.
This can’t be America. Can it?
Yes and no. Certainly, it can’t be the America we accept, one totally antithetical to our people’s deeply held democratic values of justice for all. Yet, from the founding of the nation forward, the official knee on the neck of Floyd has been a common experience for African Americans, and for Latinos, Native Americans and other people of color.
It’s that stark separation between the American ideal and reality — now so vividly and violently thrust in our faces — that has ignited such a diverse, massive and furious protest from coast to coast.
To me, this outpouring of public anguish feels different than previous ones, for the protesters are not only angry about what the power establishment did to George Floyd but also angry for themselves. The intentional spread of inequality in America is now swamping the once-middle-class majority. So, more and more people — especially among the young — are feeling the establishment’s knee crushing their opportunities, rights and lives. More than empathy for the black community, there’s now a shared inkling that the rise of autocracy and plutocracy is engulfing all but the moneyed elites, threatening the existence of America itself.
There’s a rising political awareness that today’s social order is corrupt and the system itself must be changed — not tinkered with but fundamentally changed. And there’s a growing understanding that we really are “all in this together,” so we’ve got to stand up for George Floyd, one another … and the America we want.
Thousands of Americans are in the streets protesting police brutality and systemic racism — and that’s driving President Donald Trump plum crazy! Of course, that’s a pretty short drive for him.
He would be hilarious if his buffoonery were not so dangerous and destructive. For example, there was his recent bizarre performance of having peaceful protesters gassed, clubbed and shoved out of the public square across from the White House so he could walk out and pose stone-faced with a Bible, as some sort of political stunt.
However, worse than the antics of this unhinged, incredibly shrinking president is the craven willingness of our top military officials to play along with his infantile attempts to appear manly. When Trump strutted out to do his little photo-op with a Bible, guess who was loping along right behind him like eager-to-please puppy dogs: Secretary of Defense Mark Esper and Gen. Mark Milley, chairman of America’s joint chiefs of staff.
Yes, our nation’s top two war chieftains were adding their symbolic blessing to Trump’s pathetic desire to look tough, suppress our constitutional right to dissent and militarize his claim of autocratic powers. Milley even wore combat fatigues to the media show, apparently to model the authoritarian look We the People can expect in Trump’s brave new world.
Esper has been even more servile, playing up to Trump’s grandiosity by describing our country as a “battle space” that “we need to dominate.” Of course, that would make you and me the dominated, which is as un-American as they could get, short of crowning The Donald as America’s king — and don’t put that past them.
To their credit, dozens of U.S. military leaders immediately assailed Esper and Milley for even implying that the armed forces could be anyone’s political pawn to police our own people, and both have retreated from Trump’s authoritarian stance. But their willingness to toy with it shows how vulnerable our democracy is to autocrats… and how vigilant We the People must be.


humortimes--2020-06-12--Penis Singer Wins International Talent Competition

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
A talent competition like no other bares all .
Fharht Bubbelle , a 27 year old oodlefarquer on a garbage scow , won the internationally famous Slobovia ’ s Got Yutz Talent competition by singing a 7 minute and 32 seconds version of The Slobovian Battle Hymn of the Republic through his penis .
In the finals he defeated the 1,287 member Trans Slobovian Arkestra which performed “ Let ’ s Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ competition , Mr. Bubbelle had his penis sing such tunes as “ Some Enchanted Evening , ” “ Jingle Bells “ and “ Baby Got Back.
” Mr. Bubbelle stated that he acquired his penis singing talent while garbage scowing in Africa .
He met several members of the Rocksbootie Tribe in the tiny nation of Ungawa .
The tribesmen eat a steady diet of Oosigwatti , a stew made with the juice of the Water Boatman , a local insect that attracts the opposite sex by singing through its penis .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ used it to perfect his craft .
He also states that in penis singing , size matters : a 2-4 inch organ is a Bass Penis , a 5-8 inch shaft is a Baritone Penis , a 9-12 wang is an Alto Penis and a 13-16 inch snake is a tenor penis .
Any willy over 17 inches is considered a Falsetto Penis .
To Keep his penis voice in top shape , Mr. Bubbelle constantly ribs it with honey and cucumber juice .
Mr. Bubbelle received a contract from Stanckt Records that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Slobovian Grubniks… about $ 123.93 in American money .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
A talent competition like no other bares all.
Part of the continuing series, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network).
Fharht Bubbelle, a 27 year old oodlefarquer on a garbage scow, won the internationally famous Slobovia’s Got Yutz Talent competition by singing a 7 minute and 32 seconds version of The Slobovian Battle Hymn of the Republic through his penis.
In the finals he defeated the 1,287 member Trans Slobovian Arkestra which performed “Let’s Twist Again Like We Did Last Summer.”
In earlier rounds of the internationally televised competition, Mr. Bubbelle had his penis sing such tunes as “Some Enchanted Evening,” “Jingle Bells“ and “Baby Got Back.”
Mr. Bubbelle stated that he acquired his penis singing talent while garbage scowing in Africa. He met several members of the Rocksbootie Tribe in the tiny nation of Ungawa. The tribesmen eat a steady diet of Oosigwatti, a stew made with the juice of the Water Boatman, a local insect that attracts the opposite sex by singing through its penis. He brought back 700 gallons of Oosigwatti and used it to perfect his craft.
He also states that in penis singing, size matters: a 2-4 inch organ is a Bass Penis, a 5-8 inch shaft is a Baritone Penis, a 9-12 wang is an Alto Penis and a 13-16 inch snake is a tenor penis. Any willy over 17 inches is considered a Falsetto Penis.
To Keep his penis voice in top shape, Mr. Bubbelle constantly ribs it with honey and cucumber juice.
Mr. Bubbelle received a contract from Stanckt Records that included a signing bonus of 723 million Slobovian Grubniks… about $123.93 in American money.


humortimes--2020-06-14--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Free Speech, Jail Brutality!

Being insane isn ’ t all it ’ s cracked-up to be .
How Buffalo can Trump go ?
Militarizing @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s not necessary .
Racism is simply killing time in this White House @ @ @ @ @ by his base .
The NFL ‘ s apology is not Goodell enough !
Why @ @ @ @ @ ’ Kaepernick ?
A dogma runs around in circles , chasing it ’ s own @ @ @ @ @ types of people in the world : Those that believe what they see , and @ @ @ @ @ believe .
Keep your feet planted firmly in the ground , but not your head @ @ @ @ @ , buy and buy .

Police brutality leaves protestors aghast.
Trump: The “flaw and disorder” president.
Being insane isn’t all it’s cracked-up to be.
Racists brutal lies with hate.
Republicans always canspiracy the “flake” news.
How Buffalo can Trump go?
Militarizing the police: No bull it’s not necessary.
Barr chokeholds on democracy!
Racism is simply killing time in this White House.
Trump is always mobbed by his base.
Move beyond every false whore risin’.
Non-violence: Don’t riot, try it.
Defund police victimidation.
The NFL‘s apology is not Goodell enough! Why aren’t they callin’ Kaepernick?
Don’t let reopening go viral.
False profits only lead you astray.
A dogma runs around in circles, chasing it’s own tale.
There are two types of people in the world: Those that believe what they see, and those that see what they believe.
Keep your feet planted firmly in the ground, but not your head!
The economy will improve, buy and buy.


humortimes--2020-06-14--‘Don of the Q’: A Mission, a Companion and a Trusty Steed

Book Review : “ Don of the Q : An American Don Quixote for the Atomic Age ” It takes both talent and insight to write great satire .
Don of the Q : An American Don Quixote for the Atomic Age starts out slowly and builds a picture , word by word , line by line to a quixotic tale of government incompetence and tilting at modern windmills .
The characters range from convenience store clerks , to FBI agents , to the Vice President of the United States .
Where is the President in all this ?
Who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Michael Guillebeau , I know I ’ m in for a treat .
His storytelling doesn ’ t necessarily make me laugh out loud , but it does make my soul smile… a lot .
We are living in unusual times , to say the very least , and Guillebeau offers both respite and food for thought in equal measure .
In a way , this story is escapist fiction that puts everything you want to escape front and center , and in your face , and you willingly lap it up .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ any spoilers to my reviews , so I will only say pay particular attention to Bob Pilgrim .
His character is , perhaps , one of the finest written caricatures of a sitting executive I ’ ve read .
Suffering from COVID-19 blues ?
Pick up a copy of Don of the Q and lose yourself into an even more chaotic world than the one we are experiencing today .
I feel I would be remiss if I didn ’ t at least mention the book that got me hooked on Michael Guillebeau @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It would be a great follow-up read to Don of the Q. MAD , adj .
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence ; not conforming to standards of thought , speech , and action derived by the conformants from the study of themselves ; at odds with the majority ; in short , unusual .
It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane .
“ … there is no delight the equal of dread.
” — Clive Barker See her gallery @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Facebook .

Book Review: “ Don of the Q: An American Don Quixote for the Atomic Age”
By Madelon Wilson
It takes both talent and insight to write great satire. Don of the Q: An American Don Quixote for the Atomic Age starts out slowly and builds a picture, word by word, line by line to a quixotic tale of government incompetence and tilting at modern windmills. The characters range from convenience store clerks, to FBI agents, to the Vice President of the United States. Where is the President in all this? Who knows?
When I read anything by Michael Guillebeau, I know I’m in for a treat. His storytelling doesn’t necessarily make me laugh out loud, but it does make my soul smile… a lot. We are living in unusual times, to say the very least, and Guillebeau offers both respite and food for thought in equal measure. In a way, this story is escapist fiction that puts everything you want to escape front and center, and in your face, and you willingly lap it up.
I try very hard not to add any spoilers to my reviews, so I will only say pay particular attention to Bob Pilgrim. His character is, perhaps, one of the finest written caricatures of a sitting executive I’ve read.
Suffering from COVID-19 blues? Pick up a copy of Don of the Q and lose yourself into an even more chaotic world than the one we are experiencing today.
I feel I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention the book that got me hooked on Michael Guillebeau. That book is Mad Librarian. It would be a great follow-up read to Don of the Q.
Reviewed by ^v^ Madelon (Mad, Maddy) Wilson ^v^
AKA graphicMADness
MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from the study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane.
— from The Devil’s Dictionary, Ambrose Bierce
“… there is no delight the equal of dread.” — Clive Barker
Check out Madelon’s reviews on:
Amazon • BookBub
See her gallery on Renderosity, and find her on Facebook.


humortimes--2020-06-16--Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/15/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/15/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ order Trump to stop playing ‘ Macho Man ’ and ‘ YMCA ’ at rallies No word if they also put on leave the guy dressed like a cop !
Damn , there ’ s a gift for all you Cuomosexuals .
Joe Biden does not want to defund the Police … Nickleback , on the other hand … Trump Admin remain desperate to move conversation away from coronavirus Trump is so bored with COVID 19 , that ’ s why he ’ s gon na leave it to run off with a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 17 But Looks 21.
’ This explains why you never see a Starbucks in Wakanda .
Fox News ’ Sean Hannity & Ainsley Earhardt have been dating ‘ very secretively for years ’ : source Look for their new show ‘ Fox and Friends with Benefits.
’ Justin Trudeau : Canadians watching US unrest and police violence in ‘ shock and horror ’ No word if he ’ s thinking of building a wall and having Trump pay for it .
Jersey Shore : Why Mike ‘ The Situation ’ doesn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up In related news , the Doomsday clock just moved to five past midnight .
… that ’ s like letting Dick Cheney adjust the rifle sights on your hunting rifle .
Russian chefs in naked lockdown protest after virus strips them of income Bringing up the question , is that a blini or are just glad to see me !
!
Pretty soon , the only companies left to advertise on Carlson ’ s show will be that ‘ My Pillow ’ dude and the ‘ Really , Really White Castle.
’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump suggests Buffalo protester ’ s fall may have been ‘ a set up ’ How long before Trump says the protester was pushed to the ground by Joe Scarborough ?
Four… three… two… Megyn Kelly ’ s mad HBO lifted ‘ Gone with the Wind ’ from its streaming platform

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The Village People order Trump to stop playing ‘Macho Man’ and ‘YMCA’ at rallies
No word if they also put on leave the guy dressed like a cop!
Chris Cuomo apparently caught naked in wife Cristina’s yoga video
Damn, there’s a gift for all you Cuomosexuals.
Joe Biden does not want to defund the Police
… Nickleback, on the other hand …
Trump Admin remain desperate to move conversation away from coronavirus
Trump is so bored with COVID 19, that’s why he’s gonna leave it to run off with a younger, hotter virus…. ‘COVID 17 But Looks 21.’
Starbucks bans employees from wearing Black Lives Matter attire
This explains why you never see a Starbucks in Wakanda.
Fox News’ Sean Hannity & Ainsley Earhardt have been dating ‘very secretively for years’: source
Look for their new show ‘Fox and Friends with Benefits.’
Justin Trudeau: Canadians watching US unrest and police violence in ‘shock and horror’
No word if he’s thinking of building a wall and having Trump pay for it.
Jersey Shore: Why Mike ‘The Situation’ doesn’t think JWoww and Pauly D should hook up
In related news, the Doomsday clock just moved to five past midnight.
Stephen Miller is writing Trump’s race relation speech
… that’s like letting Dick Cheney adjust the rifle sights on your hunting rifle.
Russian chefs in naked lockdown protest after virus strips them of income
Bringing up the question, is that a blini or are just glad to see me!!
Advertisers drop Tucker Carlson show after Black Lives Matter comments
Pretty soon, the only companies left to advertise on Carlson’s show will be that ‘My Pillow’ dude and the ‘Really, Really White Castle.’
WB takes away Elmer Fudd’s gun
… mostly for his own safety.
Trump suggests Buffalo protester’s fall may have been ‘a set up’
How long before Trump says the protester was pushed to the ground by Joe Scarborough? Four… three… two…
Megyn Kelly’s mad HBO lifted ‘Gone with the Wind’ from its streaming platform
… Frankly, Megyn, nobody gives a damn…


humortimes--2020-06-16--Aliens Visit Earth! (and then decide to leave)

Exclusive !
Classified transcript of an exchange between two aliens .
In late April of 2020 , the Pentagon released footage of “ unidentified aerial phenomena , ” indicating to some that extraterrestrial life forms may have attempted to contact humans .
Now , audio has leaked which appears to be from an alien ship , recorded as it entered Earth ’ s atmosphere .
The Humor Times has gained access to this classified transcript of an exchange between two aliens , discussing their mission .
The transcript has been translated from the original alien language .
BLORG : Well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ KEVIN : Sure , but I ’ m still not sure we should… you , know , actually make contact .
Maybe we should just observe them for a while ?
B : Look , they sent us that cool record — all those humans greeting us — and… what ’ s that thing humans make with sound ?
B : That ’ s it .
I seem to recall you liked ‘ music ’ when you heard it ?
K : Well , it was Lady GaGa , so — K : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Earth creatures are advanced enough to justify contact .
Only one way to find out .
Initiate the Planetary Anthro-thermographic Transponder !
K : Well , what are the readings ?
B : It needs your password .
K : Fine .
Give it to me .
Oh that ’ s right… I just changed the password… I know ( long silence ) Got it !
Okay .
What do you make of the situation on Earth right now ?
B : Unclear .
Many of the life forms seem to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they ’ re all sick from one cause—looks to be some sort of virus .
K : So these life forms… they have hospitals , so this is where they are ?
B : My first readings seem to suggest that some of these life forms are not allowed access to medical treatment .
When I cross-reference by social strata , it seems that an entire class of humans , they are typically called… the poor ?
… have no health care whatsoever .
K : But that makes no sense !
Wouldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they didn ’ t tend to the weakest in the group ?
Well , I ’ m sure that those who are not being treated are staying safely inside to prevent the virus from spreading ?
B : That ’ s the weird thing .
As I scan the hardest-hit areas , it seems that a large percentage of the life forms are in what seem to be… taverns !
And another large percentage has ventured toward various bodies of water , and are… just laying down .
Almost as if they ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
K : Are they at least wearing some protective gear and keeping their distance from each other ?
B : Hold on—now I ’ m seeing different crowds of the Earthlings gathering together , but they are being attacked by what seems to be a military force .
The groups all seem peaceful , but this quasi-military force is firing what seem to be chemical weapons at them .
The groups seem angry .
Scanning the last several hundred years of Earth history , it appears that the conflict is between humans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Wait .
I thought they were all the same species .
B : They are , but apparently the humans with less melatonin believe themselves to be superior to other humans .
K : Have they at least sent in the Dispute Resolution Teams , or the Crisis Counselors ?
B : So far , no .
Just the humans with military weapons .
Oh My Zorb !
Look at this !
( unintelligible ) Do you see them ?
K : Are those… murder hornets ?
We need to leave Earth ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way Earthlings are prepared for murder hornets !
Those things creep me out !
I told you they weren ’ t ready for contact !
B : It ’ s just that they reached out to us , but it does feel like… they ’ re… going through a lot right now .
Like maybe now isn ’ t the best time to drop in on Earth ?
I ’ m just sayin.
’ K : Yeah , you ’ re right .
We could always come back another time .

Exclusive! Classified transcript of an exchange between two aliens.
By Michael Dane
In late April of 2020, the Pentagon released footage of “unidentified aerial phenomena,” indicating to some that extraterrestrial life forms may have attempted to contact humans.
Now, audio has leaked which appears to be from an alien ship, recorded as it entered Earth’s atmosphere. The Humor Times has gained access to this classified transcript of an exchange between two aliens, discussing their mission. The transcript has been translated from the original alien language.
BLORG: Well, they called us, right?
KEVIN: Sure, but I’m still not sure we should… you, know, actually make contact. Maybe we should just observe them for a while?
B: Look, they sent us that cool record — all those humans greeting us — and… what’s that thing humans make with sound?
K: Music?
B: That’s it. I seem to recall you liked ‘music’ when you heard it?
K: Well, it was Lady GaGa, so —
(unintelligible — Blorg and Kevin seem to be arguing about Lady GaGa)
K: I just don’t know if the Earth creatures are advanced enough to justify contact. Only one way to find out. Initiate the Planetary Anthro-thermographic Transponder!
(long silence)
K: Well, what are the readings?
B: It needs your password.
K: Fine. Give it to me. Oh that’s right… I just changed the password… I know (long silence) Got it! Okay. What do you make of the situation on Earth right now?
B: Unclear. Many of the life forms seem to be ill. It’s almost as if they’re all sick from one cause—looks to be some sort of virus.
K: So these life forms… they have hospitals, so this is where they are?
B: My first readings seem to suggest that some of these life forms are not allowed access to medical treatment. When I cross-reference by social strata, it seems that an entire class of humans, they are typically called… the poor?… have no health care whatsoever.
K: But that makes no sense! Wouldn’t their society just collapse if they didn’t tend to the weakest in the group? Well, I’m sure that those who are not being treated are staying safely inside to prevent the virus from spreading?
B: That’s the weird thing. As I scan the hardest-hit areas, it seems that a large percentage of the life forms are in what seem to be… taverns! And another large percentage has ventured toward various bodies of water, and are… just laying down. Almost as if they’ve given up on finding a cure.
K: Are they at least wearing some protective gear and keeping their distance from each other?
B: Negative. On both vectors.
K: (muttered) Idiot humans.
B: Hold on—now I’m seeing different crowds of the Earthlings gathering together, but they are being attacked by what seems to be a military force. The groups all seem peaceful, but this quasi-military force is firing what seem to be chemical weapons at them. The groups seem angry. Scanning the last several hundred years of Earth history, it appears that the conflict is between humans with different skin tones.
K: Wait. I thought they were all the same species.
B: They are, but apparently the humans with less melatonin believe themselves to be superior to other humans.
K: Have they at least sent in the Dispute Resolution Teams, or the Crisis Counselors?
B: So far, no. Just the humans with military weapons. Oh My Zorb! Look at this! (unintelligible) Do you see them?
K: Are those… murder hornets? We need to leave Earth’s orbit NOW! There is no way Earthlings are prepared for murder hornets! Those things creep me out! I told you they weren’t ready for contact!
B: It’s just that they reached out to us, but it does feel like… they’re… going through a lot right now. Like maybe now isn’t the best time to drop in on Earth? I’m just sayin.’
K: Yeah, you’re right. We could always come back another time.
Visit Michael Dane’s website: mistercomedy.net