humortimes--2020-07-08--First Lady’s Daily Briefing Reveal: Top Ten

Yes , Melania Trump got her warnings – also ‘ not verified ’ !
Just like the President who sometimes gets his PDB every morning – 1st Lady Melania Trump received a Daily Briefing from her mother before she got married .
10 .
Don ’ t ask him to wear a condom unless you give him a Lone Ranger mask to go with it !
9 .
After sex , if he leaves money on the dresser – take it & leave change !
8 .
When he asks , ‘ Was it good for you ’ & he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ … 7 .
Don ’ t get pregnant – he ’ ll brag he did it himself !
6 .
Don ’ t let any man make you change your face or boobs just so you can ride an escalator !
5 .
Don ’ t play golf with him because you ’ re a girl – and , two – he ’ d make you find his balls !
4 .
If it looks like a duck & smells like a duck… 3 .
If he asks if you ’ d @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with a picketed fence – say ‘ No , our Condo in Moscow is ready !
2 .
If he threatens to send you back to the old country – tell him , ‘ Pfft , I LOVE NEW YORK ’ !
And , # 1…If none of these don ’ t work – get a pet snake & tell him ‘ It ’ s harmless ’ !

Yes, Melania Trump got her warnings – also ‘not verified’!
Just like the President who sometimes gets his PDB every morning – 1st Lady Melania Trump received a Daily Briefing from her mother before she got married.
1st LADY’S DAILY BRIEFING: Top Ten
10. Don’t ask him to wear a condom unless you give him a Lone Ranger mask to go with it!
9. After sex, if he leaves money on the dresser – take it & leave change!
8. When he asks, ‘Was it good for you’ & he answers, ‘Yes, it was’…
7. Don’t get pregnant – he’ll brag he did it himself!
6. Don’t let any man make you change your face or boobs just so you can ride an escalator!
5. Don’t play golf with him because you’re a girl – and, two – he’d make you find his balls!
4. If it looks like a duck & smells like a duck…
3. If he asks if you’d like to live in a white house with a picketed fence – say ‘No, our Condo in Moscow is ready!
2. If he threatens to send you back to the old country – tell him, ‘Pfft, I LOVE NEW YORK’!
And, #1…If none of these don’t work – get a pet snake & tell him ‘It’s harmless’!


humortimes--2020-07-08--Sacrificing People to Corporate Profit

Sacrificing People to Corporate Profit

Trump does wear a virtual mask : he ’ s the masked robber moving behind the scenes to rig the rules for corporate profit .
I think I ’ ve figured out the real reason President Donald Trump refuses to wear a coronavirus mask : He realizes that we ’ d all recognize him as the masked robber who has been moving furtively behind the scenes during the pandemic to rig the rules for corporate profit and against workaday folks in order to further enrich corporate elites .
With media attention riveted by COVID-19 body counts and political flare-ups over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ felt free to monkey-wrench labor laws , dynamite environmental regulations , jiggle open the locks on corporate profiteering , manipulate the tax code and generally burglarize our people ’ s commitment to the Common Good .
It ’ s like Robin Hood and his Merry Band — only in reverse , stealing from the many to give more to the rich few .
They ’ ve even quietly filched the bulk of the government ’ s multitrillion-dollar pandemic recovery program , twisting it so severely that it is dramatically increasing wealth inequality .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 1,200 relief check from Washington , major corporations have actually been given the keys to the Federal Reserve ’ s money-printing machine , funneling a long-term giveaway of hundreds of billions of dollars to them .
Also , corporate interests are pocketing untold amounts from several little-reported grant programs and tax breaks discreetly created just for them .
For example , mysteriously tucked into Trump ’ s first rescue package was a $ 135 billion tax giveaway , specifically designed for such hucksters as giant real estate developers .
Like whom ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kushner appear to qualify .
Just lucky , I guess .
Adding to the peculiarity , this handout has nothing to do with helping America recover economically from the pandemic .
Rather , it provides retroactive tax breaks on deals developers cut long before this year ’ s COVID crash .
So , while millions of workaday families have lost jobs , income and their future financial security , corporate bosses and billionaires are surreptitiously building new channels into the system for looting an even greater share of America ’ s wealth .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the old political adage “ Never let a big crisis go to waste.
” As directed by their big-business funders , top Republican officeholders across the country have been defying public health experts in past weeks to rush America ’ s workers back to their jobs .
But — oops !
— the microscopic COVID-19 turns out to be stronger than Trump , the governors and all the CEOs combined , so their impetuous back-to-work commands have caused the crisis to surge again , hospitalizing and killing thousands more Americans .
What to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , get Congress to protect them !
Uh… not workers and customers but corporate profits .
Thus , the White House , such congressional sleazes as Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell and the whole army of Gucci-wearing corporate lobbyists are pushing furiously to pass a law decreeing that corporations can not be held liable for their profit-driven actions and negligence that sicken and kill untold numbers of Americans .
Crying crocodile tears for those giants guilty of intentionally endangering the public , Larry Kudlow , Trump ’ s corporate-hugging economic adviser , wailed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ give the businesses some confidence here that if something happens… you can ’ t take them out of business .
You can ’ t throw big lawsuits at them.
” Gosh , Larry , thanks for your little moral lecture , but what about giving workers and our society some confidence that “ if something happens , ” you can ’ t take away their basic human right to pursue justice ?
Besides , why shouldn ’ t We the People hold these economic powerhouses legally accountable ?
If you preemptively give a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deadly harm , you ’ ll give direct financial incentive to executives to forego investing in protective measures for workers and public health .
Indeed , the very fact they ’ re insisting that the law must shield them from people who get hurt is an admission that they know the rush to restart their profit machine will sicken and kill others .
That ’ s not just greedy .
It ’ s inhumane .

Trump does wear a virtual mask: he’s the masked robber moving behind the scenes to rig the rules for corporate profit.
I think I’ve figured out the real reason President Donald Trump refuses to wear a coronavirus mask: He realizes that we’d all recognize him as the masked robber who has been moving furtively behind the scenes during the pandemic to rig the rules for corporate profit and against workaday folks in order to further enrich corporate elites.
With media attention riveted by COVID-19 body counts and political flare-ups over mask wearing, Trump & Co. have felt free to monkey-wrench labor laws, dynamite environmental regulations, jiggle open the locks on corporate profiteering, manipulate the tax code and generally burglarize our people’s commitment to the Common Good. It’s like Robin Hood and his Merry Band — only in reverse, stealing from the many to give more to the rich few.
They’ve even quietly filched the bulk of the government’s multitrillion-dollar pandemic recovery program, twisting it so severely that it is dramatically increasing wealth inequality. While you might have received a one-time $1,200 relief check from Washington, major corporations have actually been given the keys to the Federal Reserve’s money-printing machine, funneling a long-term giveaway of hundreds of billions of dollars to them.
Also, corporate interests are pocketing untold amounts from several little-reported grant programs and tax breaks discreetly created just for them. For example, mysteriously tucked into Trump’s first rescue package was a $135 billion tax giveaway, specifically designed for such hucksters as giant real estate developers. Like whom? Well, Trump himself and son-in-law Jared Kushner appear to qualify. Just lucky, I guess. Adding to the peculiarity, this handout has nothing to do with helping America recover economically from the pandemic. Rather, it provides retroactive tax breaks on deals developers cut long before this year’s COVID crash.
So, while millions of workaday families have lost jobs, income and their future financial security, corporate bosses and billionaires are surreptitiously building new channels into the system for looting an even greater share of America’s wealth. It’s the corporate version of the old political adage “Never let a big crisis go to waste.”
As directed by their big-business funders, top Republican officeholders across the country have been defying public health experts in past weeks to rush America’s workers back to their jobs. But — oops! — the microscopic COVID-19 turns out to be stronger than Trump, the governors and all the CEOs combined, so their impetuous back-to-work commands have caused the crisis to surge again, hospitalizing and killing thousands more Americans.
What to do now? Why, of course, get Congress to protect them! Uh… not workers and customers but corporate profits. Thus, the White House, such congressional sleazes as Senate Republican leader Mitch McConnell and the whole army of Gucci-wearing corporate lobbyists are pushing furiously to pass a law decreeing that corporations cannot be held liable for their profit-driven actions and negligence that sicken and kill untold numbers of Americans.
Crying crocodile tears for those giants guilty of intentionally endangering the public, Larry Kudlow, Trump’s corporate-hugging economic adviser, wailed: “You’ve got to give the businesses some confidence here that if something happens… you can’t take them out of business. You can’t throw big lawsuits at them.” Gosh, Larry, thanks for your little moral lecture, but what about giving workers and our society some confidence that “if something happens,” you can’t take away their basic human right to pursue justice?
Besides, why shouldn’t We the People hold these economic powerhouses legally accountable? If you preemptively give a blanket pardon to corporate entities that cause deadly harm, you’ll give direct financial incentive to executives to forego investing in protective measures for workers and public health. Indeed, the very fact they’re insisting that the law must shield them from people who get hurt is an admission that they know the rush to restart their profit machine will sicken and kill others.
That’s not just greedy. It’s inhumane.


humortimes--2020-07-11--Will Trump Ace This Next Cognitive Test? Top Ten

The first Cognitive Test was a walk in the park for this stable genius , but can he ace this one ?
It ’ s been rumored that Donald Trump did take a Cognitive Test during his first term , but with easy questions like : Can you identify a Camel .
Draw a clock .
Draw an X over the Cat .
But those easy tasks don ’ t really line up with the pathological symptoms we ’ ve been observing with our own eyes & ears for 3 years , 7 months , 4 days & too many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a better set of questions I want him to answer on a test : 10 .
How much is the going rate to take a college SAT Test ?
9 .
How in the hell did you come up with the amount $ 130,000 ?
8 .
When did you say ‘ Someday Melania ’ s going to sort of just disappear ’ ?
7. Who is your favorite relative… Grandma , Grandpa or Mary Trump ?
6 .
When you see a Ramp , do you… Break out in a cold sweat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Or Crawl like a baby ?
5 .
The hardest thing about being President is… Keeping your finger off the RED Button .
Getting a Tee Time .
Or Closing an Umbrella ?
4 .
After you take this new test , what do you hope there will be… A Cookie .
Money changing hands .
Or Applause for Bowel Movements ?
3 .
If you end up in prison , who would you want on your back ?
Michael Flynn .
Paul Manafort .
Or Roger Stone ?
2 .
If you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ focus of your second Term ?
Showing your new VP the Bunker .
Practice drinking water .
Or Quit Twitter & take up Piano ?
And , # 1… After sex , whose name do you call out ?
Wife 1 , 2 , 3 or Yours ?

The first Cognitive Test was a walk in the park for this stable genius, but can he ace this one?
It’s been rumored that Donald Trump did take a Cognitive Test during his first term, but with easy questions like:
Can you identify a Camel. Draw a clock. Draw an X over the Cat.
(It has to be on the up & up – I heard William Barr hand-carried the test results to Congress & Dr. Ronny Jackson took Trump’s height, weight & skin color swatches!)
But those easy tasks don’t really line up with the pathological symptoms we’ve been observing with our own eyes & ears for 3 years, 7 months, 4 days & too many agonizing minutes! So here’s a better set of questions I want him to answer on a test:
10. How much is the going rate to take a college SAT Test?
9. How in the hell did you come up with the amount $130,000?
8. When did you say ‘Someday Melania’s going to sort of just disappear’?
7. Who is your favorite relative… Grandma, Grandpa or Mary Trump?
6. When you see a Ramp, do you…
Break out in a cold sweat.
Call in the Army Reserves.
Or Crawl like a baby?
5. The hardest thing about being President is…
Keeping your finger off the RED Button.
Getting a Tee Time.
Or Closing an Umbrella?
4. After you take this new test, what do you hope there will be…
A Cookie.
Money changing hands.
Or Applause for Bowel Movements?
3. If you end up in prison, who would you want on your back?
Michael Flynn.
Paul Manafort.
Or Roger Stone?
2. If you win, what will be the main focus of your second Term?
Showing your new VP the Bunker.
Practice drinking water.
Or Quit Twitter & take up Piano?
And, #1… After sex, whose name do you call out? Wife 1, 2, 3 or Yours?


humortimes--2020-07-11--Trump and the Coronavirus Charade

Trump and the Coronavirus Charade

Donald Trump takes his coronavirus charade to new levels .
The US President Donald Trump ’ s coronavirus charade during this crisis has drawn considerable international interest .
Donald Trump has contended that he knew that Corona ( COVID-19 ) was pandemic before anyone else knew that it was a Pandemic !
It was vice president Mike Pence who heard on the Baptist Broadcasting Station that Corona had reached the USA .
He went to the President and said “ Mr .
President , Corona has reached the United States.
” Mr. Trump thought that it had something to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has been with the British Royal Family , he retorted “ Mike , as the best president the US has ever had , I should be most entitled to be bestowed with Corona.
” Servile as Mr. Pence is towards the President , he replied “ Mr .
President , you would be the worthiest candidate for the Corona.
” Donald Trump has claimed that his government has succeeded in managing the Corona crises .
At the same time USA is experiencing the largest spread of the virus .
In fact , what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attention by various charades that can broadly be bracketed in five sets : • Denial and connivance — “ The coronavirus is not so serious.
” “ Everything is under control.
” • Conspiracy and accusations — “ It is a foreign virus .
It is actually a Chinese one !
WHO works in collusion with the Chinese Government ?
” • Sanctimoniousness and self-righteousness — “ The US has ample capacity for mass testing.
” “ I have managed to control the virus spread.
” • Quackery and charlatanry — “ Anti-malaria @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ People can cleanse their lungs by drinking bleach and other disinfectants !
” • Provocation and violence incitement — “ Invade the offices state governors who are carrying out restrictive corona strategy !
” “ Open the economy or else let armed people fight those who try to curb the virus spread.
” All these charades to show Mr. Trump ’ s ignorance , indifference and insensitivity .
The US is the most afflicted country among the Corona victims .
As the death toll increases , Donald Trump is doing everything to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a proper way .
The TV scenes from New York and elsewhere in the US show thousands of doctors , nurse and other medical personnel doing their utmost with a minimum of protective equipment .
The question is how come that Mr. Trump be so insensitive and indifferent to these scenes ?
The answer can be found in the bestselling work on transactional analysis by Dr. Thomas A. Harris ( I ’ m OK — You ’ re OK ) from the 1960s .
The neurotic personality that best suits Mr. Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blocked-out parent.
” Dr. Harris describes “ Such a person does not have available to his current transactions any tapes which supply data having to do with social control , appropriate “ shoulds ” and “ should nots , ” cultural norms , or what , in one sense , can be referred to as conscience .
His behavior is dominated by his Child which , through contaminated Adult .
manipulates other people to his own ends… the consequences he is concerned with have to do with whether or not he will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ concern for others.
” A “ child-contaminated adult with a blocked-out parent ” presides over the current Corona crisis in the US .
It has been disastrous for the people of the United States .
Time to end President Trump ’ s road to destruction !

Donald Trump takes his coronavirus charade to new levels.
By Abdul Khakee
The US President Donald Trump’s coronavirus charade during this crisis has drawn considerable international interest.
Donald Trump has contended that he knew that Corona (COVID-19) was pandemic before anyone else knew that it was a Pandemic!
Our narrative shows something else…
It was vice president Mike Pence who heard on the Baptist Broadcasting Station that Corona had reached the USA. He went to the President and said “Mr. President, Corona has reached the United States.”
Mr. Trump thought that it had something to do with the Crown. Obsessed as he has been with the British Royal Family, he retorted “Mike, as the best president the US has ever had, I should be most entitled to be bestowed with Corona.”
Servile as Mr. Pence is towards the President, he replied “Mr. President, you would be the worthiest candidate for the Corona.”
Donald Trump has claimed that his government has succeeded in managing the Corona crises. At the same time USA is experiencing the largest spread of the virus. In fact, what Mr. Trump has done is to divert attention by various charades that can broadly be bracketed in five sets:
Denial and connivance — “The coronavirus is not so serious.” “Everything is under control.”
Conspiracy and accusations — “It is a foreign virus. It is actually a Chinese one! WHO works in collusion with the Chinese Government?”
Sanctimoniousness and self-righteousness — “The US has ample capacity for mass testing.” “I have managed to control the virus spread.”
Quackery and charlatanry — “Anti-malaria drug hydroxychloroquine works on the virus.” “People can cleanse their lungs by drinking bleach and other disinfectants!”
Provocation and violence incitement — “Invade the offices state governors who are carrying out restrictive corona strategy!” “Open the economy or else let armed people fight those who try to curb the virus spread.”
All these charades to show Mr. Trump’s ignorance, indifference and insensitivity .
The US is the most afflicted country among the Corona victims. As the death toll increases, Donald Trump is doing everything to deflect attention from actually handling the pandemic in a proper way. The TV scenes from New York and elsewhere in the US show thousands of doctors, nurse and other medical personnel doing their utmost with a minimum of protective equipment. The question is how come that Mr. Trump be so insensitive and indifferent to these scenes?
The answer can be found in the bestselling work on transactional analysis by Dr. Thomas A. Harris (I’m OK — You’re OK) from the 1960s. The neurotic personality that best suits Mr. Trump is a “child-contaminated adult with a blocked-out parent.” Dr. Harris describes “Such a person does not have available to his current transactions any tapes which supply data having to do with social control, appropriate “shoulds” and “should nots,” cultural norms, or what, in one sense, can be referred to as conscience. His behavior is dominated by his Child which, through contaminated Adult. manipulates other people to his own ends… the consequences he is concerned with have to do with whether or not he will be caught, and seldom contain elements of concern for others.”
A “child-contaminated adult with a blocked-out parent” presides over the current Corona crisis in the US. It has been disastrous for the people of the United States. Time to end President Trump’s road to destruction!


Featured Cartoon: Charades

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humortimes--2020-07-11--Arabella’s Dictionary: Hilarious Politics

Bipolitical ( bii-po-lit-e-kul ) : A person who is bipolitical wears a rainbow-colored Trump hat and screams from the sidewalk about animal rights while holding up an anti-abortion sign .
Bluebeam ( bloo-beem ) : When a child in a third world country who is covered in soot and forced to work 18 hours a day at a black oxide factory manages to smile , that sad grin is called a bluebeam .
Bluebeams show the world clearly , through both compunction and concordance , how the divine feels about child slavery .
And so , through karmic ramifications and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ learns how to treat its children .
Cavide ( kuh-vid ) : Small town in New Hampshire .
Nobody ever watches the news in Cavide , and Republicans can still be found playing cards till dawn and walking arm in arm down the street with their Democratic honey-bunches , unaffected by a world that is systematically going beserk .
Eylion ( ee-lei-on ) : Persian hero .
An Eylion peacefully protests a fascist , murderous regime with kind smiles and gentle signs that say ‘ Please go , Mullah !
’ In return @ @ @ @ @ @ @ regime imprisons , tortures and kills the valiant Eylions .
Guvluv ( Ghuv-luv ) : Respect for elected officials .
Even though this concept does exist , its execution is extinct .
Hupher ( huu-fer ) : A hupher is someone who is willing to go beyond the grave to pursue his perceived political enemies .
John the hupher hates his neighbor Mabel for her stupid stance on world peace .
After she dies of a heart attack he attends her funeral and , as her casket is peacefully laid into the ground @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phrase “ I ’ m so glad Mabel died .
That ’ s one less vote for the opposition !
” Lortyx ( lor-tiks ) : Hailing from one of Jupiter ’ s moons , lortyx is an energy source that the powers that be refuse to acknowledge even exists , because it renders oil , coal and gas obsolete .
Newsdoll : Lil guy that looks good on camera , but has no important information to tell the world .
The newsdoll is hired by news stations to speak with a voice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the viewers .
Newsdolls excel at jumping around and delivering impassioned reports about how incensed they are about absolutely nothing .
Recession-secession : A recession-secession is an economic meltdown brought on by the government .
The authors of this fake depression hope it will cause its citizens to vote in a certain way , think in a certain way and behave in a certain way .
But , financial manipulation has historically caused the victims of the game-playing regime to secede and start anew , and recession-secessions are , in the end @ @ @ @ @ @ @ revolutionary resisters .

More daft dictionary definitions from Arabella: Hilarious Politics.
Bipolitical (bii-po-lit-e-kul): A person who is bipolitical wears a rainbow-colored Trump hat and screams from the sidewalk about animal rights while holding up an anti-abortion sign.
Bluebeam (bloo-beem): When a child in a third world country who is covered in soot and forced to work 18 hours a day at a black oxide factory manages to smile, that sad grin is called a bluebeam. Bluebeams show the world clearly, through both compunction and concordance, how the divine feels about child slavery. And so, through karmic ramifications and bursts of inexplicable compassion, the planet learns how to treat its children.
Cavide (kuh-vid): Small town in New Hampshire. Nobody ever watches the news in Cavide, and Republicans can still be found playing cards till dawn and walking arm in arm down the street with their Democratic honey-bunches, unaffected by a world that is systematically going beserk.
Eylion (ee-lei-on): Persian hero. An Eylion peacefully protests a fascist, murderous regime with kind smiles and gentle signs that say ‘Please go, Mullah!’ In return for this non-violent crap, the murderous regime imprisons, tortures and kills the valiant Eylions.
Guvluv (Ghuv-luv): Respect for elected officials. Even though this concept does exist, its execution is extinct.
Hupher (huu-fer): A hupher is someone who is willing to go beyond the grave to pursue his perceived political enemies. John the hupher hates his neighbor Mabel for her stupid stance on world peace. After she dies of a heart attack he attends her funeral and, as her casket is peacefully laid into the ground, whips out the heartless and uproarious phrase “I’m so glad Mabel died. That’s one less vote for the opposition!”
Lortyx (lor-tiks): Hailing from one of Jupiter’s moons, lortyx is an energy source that the powers that be refuse to acknowledge even exists, because it renders oil, coal and gas obsolete.
Newsdoll: Lil guy that looks good on camera, but has no important information to tell the world. The newsdoll is hired by news stations to speak with a voice of empty gravity while delivering afactual reports to the viewers. Newsdolls excel at jumping around and delivering impassioned reports about how incensed they are about absolutely nothing.
Recession-secession: A recession-secession is an economic meltdown brought on by the government. The authors of this fake depression hope it will cause its citizens to vote in a certain way, think in a certain way and behave in a certain way. But, financial manipulation has historically caused the victims of the game-playing regime to secede and start anew, and recession-secessions are, in the end, remembered for their heroic underdogs and revolutionary resisters.


humortimes--2020-07-14--Trump Discovers New Blue MAGA

Trump Discovers New Blue MAGA

Trump excited to win over Dems with new Blue MAGA hat , then has biggest temper tantrum yet .
The White House staff has been more on edge than usual this week due to a stunning shift in Trump ’ s emotions from ecstatic jubilance to furniture-breaking temper tantrum .
It seems that at the beginning of the week , Trump saw an ad encouraging Democrats and others to buy new MAGA t-shirts , ties and hats all in blue to show their party affiliation .
Trump became so excited he only watched the beginning of the ad and quickly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thousand of each , which he was going to pass out to staff and offer to his long term supporters to show that they had infiltrated the Democratic Party .
He ordered that the first batch be delivered to his office immediately when it arrived .
Amazon delivered it to his office in two days , and the gloating President could hardly wait to open the box .
He immediately put on one of the blue caps and admired his image in a mirror .
“ Now no one can deny it when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of all the people.
” Trump turned around quickly when he heard the aide who had unpacked the box gasp and shout “ OMG.
” The young woman was holding a sheet of paper that was in the box , and her hands were shaking .
“ What is it woman ?
” he shouted .
She started to hand it to him , but he yelled louder .
“ You know I don ’ t read things myself .
Read it to me !
” “ I can ’ t , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paper on the desk and ran out of the room .
A few minutes later , the Secret Service ran into the room and found the President tossing chairs , vases , and anything not tied down around the room as he swore with every three and four letter word he could muster .
Here is what he read on the paper .
With Blue MAGA , you show your pledge to vote Trump out of the Presidency in 2020 .
MAGA can now stand for any A word to describe Trump that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ examples : Make the Abomination Go Away .
And for real Christians : Make the Antichrist Go Away .
Restrictions on written vulgarity do not allow us to add our primary choice , but use your imagination to guess .
Thank you for joining the Blue MAGA Tidal Wave !
Trump was particularly upset , because he couldn ’ t figure our what the secret word was , that is , until he heard a maintenance worker whisper it under his breadth in disgust as he cleaned up the debris .

Trump excited to win over Dems with new Blue MAGA hat, then has biggest temper tantrum yet.
The White House staff has been more on edge than usual this week due to a stunning shift in Trump’s emotions from ecstatic jubilance to furniture-breaking temper tantrum. It seems that at the beginning of the week, Trump saw an ad encouraging Democrats and others to buy new MAGA t-shirts, ties and hats all in blue to show their party affiliation.
Trump became so excited he only watched the beginning of the ad and quickly called on his staff to order ten thousand of each, which he was going to pass out to staff and offer to his long term supporters to show that they had infiltrated the Democratic Party.
He ordered that the first batch be delivered to his office immediately when it arrived. Amazon delivered it to his office in two days, and the gloating President could hardly wait to open the box. He immediately put on one of the blue caps and admired his image in a mirror. “Now no one can deny it when I say I’m the President of all the people.”
Trump turned around quickly when he heard the aide who had unpacked the box gasp and shout “OMG.” The young woman was holding a sheet of paper that was in the box, and her hands were shaking. “What is it woman?” he shouted. She started to hand it to him, but he yelled louder. “You know I don’t read things myself. Read it to me!”
“I can’t,” cried the woman as she dropped the paper on the desk and ran out of the room. A few minutes later, the Secret Service ran into the room and found the President tossing chairs, vases, and anything not tied down around the room as he swore with every three and four letter word he could muster.
Here is what he read on the paper. With Blue MAGA, you show your pledge to vote Trump out of the Presidency in 2020. MAGA can now stand for any A word to describe Trump that you choose. The following are some examples: Make the Abomination Go Away. And for real Christians: Make the Antichrist Go Away. Restrictions on written vulgarity do not allow us to add our primary choice, but use your imagination to guess. Thank you for joining the Blue MAGA Tidal Wave!
Trump was particularly upset, because he couldn’t figure our what the secret word was, that is, until he heard a maintenance worker whisper it under his breadth in disgust as he cleaned up the debris.


humortimes--2020-07-14--Replacing Police: Private Violence Interruption Firm Hires Godzilla

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
With major cities defunding police departments , some plan to turn to specialists in pacifying violence , like Godzilla .
With major American cities like Minneapolis , Chicago and Atlanta on the verge of defunding and eliminating police departments because they are too violent , these cities plan to turn to private organizations who specialize in violence interruption .
Unlike policemen who would arrest violence purveyors , violence interrupters will kindly ask offenders to calmly put down their Uzis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this in mind , legendary Slobovian general and war hero Y ’ Got ta B Schittemy has relocated to the United States and established a violence interruption firm .
Among the first violence interruption agents that he hired was the famed Japanese movie monster Godzilla , who had recently retired from his illustrious movie career .
At a recent news conference , General Schittemy stated , “ Mr .
Godzilla is the perfect self-contained violence interruption entity .
He can be kind and gentle , but he can also protect himself.
” General @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with other Japanese film monsters such as Rodan , Mothra , Ghidrah and The Flying Yingyang twins .
He has also hired agents from organizations like The Dirty Dozen , Delta Force , Force 10 from Navarrone and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles .
In a recent incident in which Godzilla attempted a violence interruption procedure at a gun battle between two rival Chicago gangs , Godzilla evidently became agitated at being shot at , so he burned down a parking garage , stepped on an apartment complex , picked up 34 automobiles @ @ @ @ @ @ @ convenience store .
The gun battle was successfully halted .
General Y ’ Ghotta B. Schittemy is best remembered as the hero of the 23rd Slobovian Civil War , when he single-handedly defended a fortress containing 8 million rolls of toilet paper and the complete reruns of My Mother the Car .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
With major cities defunding police departments, some plan to turn to specialists in pacifying violence, like Godzilla.
Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
With major American cities like Minneapolis, Chicago and Atlanta on the verge of defunding and eliminating police departments because they are too violent, these cities plan to turn to private organizations who specialize in violence interruption.
Unlike policemen who would arrest violence purveyors, violence interrupters will kindly ask offenders to calmly put down their Uzis and have a cappuccino together.
With this in mind, legendary Slobovian general and war hero Y’Gotta B Schittemy has relocated to the United States and established a violence interruption firm. Among the first violence interruption agents that he hired was the famed Japanese movie monster Godzilla, who had recently retired from his illustrious movie career.
At a recent news conference, General Schittemy stated, “Mr. Godzilla is the perfect self-contained violence interruption entity. He can be kind and gentle, but he can also protect himself.”
General Schittemy stated that he is in negotiations with other Japanese film monsters such as Rodan, Mothra, Ghidrah and The Flying Yingyang twins.
He has also hired agents from organizations like The Dirty Dozen, Delta Force, Force 10 from Navarrone and The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
In a recent incident in which Godzilla attempted a violence interruption procedure at a gun battle between two rival Chicago gangs, Godzilla evidently became agitated at being shot at, so he burned down a parking garage, stepped on an apartment complex, picked up 34 automobiles and hurled them and also ate a convenience store. The gun battle was successfully halted.
General Y’Ghotta B. Schittemy is best remembered as the hero of the 23rd Slobovian Civil War, when he single-handedly defended a fortress containing 8 million rolls of toilet paper and the complete reruns of My Mother the Car.


humortimes--2020-07-14--Roger Stone: Gesture of Appreciation to Trump

A joyous Stone was seen gadding about town.
Roger Stone has been seen around town with a smug smile on his face. He is bragging that he is just a better “political poker player” than Congress or the courts and, crooning a Kenny Rogers favorite, claimed he knew “when to hold ’em” and not to “fold ’em” and give Congress the information they wanted on the President.
He referred to the charge of witness tampering as the court over-reaching in a case of purely “friendly persuasion.” Again, barely able to restrain his emotion, he burst into song from the movie of the same name.
To a small clutch of reporters, he referred to himself as a patriot who stood by a president under fire and that this was shown to be justified when the president was exonerated of impeachment charges by the Senate. “Of course, the loyalty of a patriot needs to be rewarded,” he shouted as he departed.
The one curious thing that observers noticed was that Stone always stayed standing, even when all those around him were sitting. At first, this was thought to be a way of making himself always be the center of attention, but soon the actual reason became known.
It seems that in a gesture of appreciation to Trump for commuting his sentence, he decided to have his face tattooed, lifesize on his body. However, this proved problematic. Stone had already dedicated his back as an homage to Nixon and felt that adding Trump would be an insult to the man he worshiped. His chest was not an option, because he was not willing to go through extensive electrolysis to remove his chest hair, which also might leave scars that would ruin the tattoo.
Ultimately, the only space left on his body big enough for the jowly President’s face was his buttocks. It is presently a work-in-progress, which means Stone will not be able to sit on a very tender bottom for the next few weeks. Instead of being embarrassed when this was brought up, Stone replied, “I can’t wait. As soon as it’s finished I’m going to moon the House of Representatives!” He hesitated then added, “Again.”


humortimes--2020-07-14--Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/14/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/14/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Putin saw this coming… from his house .
Trump ’ s niece , Mary Trump , says in new tell all he paid someone to take the SATs for him Damn , those were simpler times , you could cheat your way into college and didn ’ t even have to fake being on crew .
Almost 3 million American adults have moved in with their parents or grandparents The good news is they ’ re social distancing , just like before the pandemic .
Well… from everyone , except Pete Best @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as close as some Americans are going to get to countries on ‘ It ’ s a Small World !
’ Helpful tip , the cable reception for OANN comes in clearer if you ’ re wearing a tin foil hat .
Dixie Chicks explain why they dropped ‘ Dixie ’ from their band name Uh , to stay on the Joe Biden ’ s Veep short list ?
Starbucks will require all customers to wear face masks at its U.S .
Given the prices , I used to think the baristas should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
So , sure looks like Kanye ’ s gone from being Jeezy to Sleezy .
Florida reports 15,300 new COVID-19 cases — a record for one day anywhere in the U.S. Hey , Florida , you just set a record for coronavirus cases… what are you gon na do next ?
“ We ’ re going to Disney World !
” Tucker Carlson suggests Sen. Tammy Duckworth , who lost her legs in Iraq , hates America Pretty soon , Tucker ’ s going to only be left with ads for My @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Castle .
Or , as it will now be known ‘ Broke Brothers.
’ Jada Pinkett Smith admitted having an affair while her marriage to Will Smith was on the rocks Although it might also have been punishment for Will making her watch ‘ Wild Wild West.
’ Secretary of Defense Mark Esper confirmed that he had been briefed on information regarding Russian payments to the Taliban Making him now the ‘ Secretary of Defensiveness.
’ Hundreds of scientists say coronavirus is airborne … and looking for its lost luggage…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Sarah & Todd Palin quietly divorced earlier this year
To be fair, Putin saw this coming… from his house.
Trump’s niece, Mary Trump, says in new tell all he paid someone to take the SATs for him
Damn, those were simpler times, you could cheat your way into college and didn’t even have to fake being on crew.
Almost 3 million American adults have moved in with their parents or grandparents
The good news is they’re social distancing, just like before the pandemic.
Happy 80th birthday, Ringo Starr
Well… from everyone, except Pete Best.
Disney World reopens to the general public
… and, that’s as close as some Americans are going to get to countries on ‘It’s a Small World!’
Trump touts OANN over FOX News
Helpful tip, the cable reception for OANN comes in clearer if you’re wearing a tin foil hat.
Dixie Chicks explain why they dropped ‘Dixie’ from their band name
Uh, to stay on the Joe Biden’s Veep short list?
Starbucks will require all customers to wear face masks at its U.S.
Given the prices, I used to think the baristas should be wearing masks when they rob you.
Billionaire Kanye West’s company gets multimillion-dollar PPP loan from Trump Admin
So, sure looks like Kanye’s gone from being Jeezy to Sleezy.
Florida reports 15,300 new COVID-19 cases — a record for one day anywhere in the U.S.
Hey, Florida, you just set a record for coronavirus cases… what are you gonna do next? “We’re going to Disney World!”
Tucker Carlson suggests Sen. Tammy Duckworth, who lost her legs in Iraq, hates America
Pretty soon, Tucker’s going to only be left with ads for My Pillow and the Really, Really White Castle.
Brooks Brothers goes bust with business clothes losing favor
Or, as it will now be known ‘Broke Brothers.’
Jada Pinkett Smith admitted having an affair while her marriage to Will Smith was on the rocks
Although it might also have been punishment for Will making her watch ‘Wild Wild West.’
Secretary of Defense Mark Esper confirmed that he had been briefed on information regarding Russian payments to the Taliban
Making him now the ‘Secretary of Defensiveness.’
Hundreds of scientists say coronavirus is airborne
… and looking for its lost luggage…


humortimes--2020-07-16--Trump: Western Science is Like Slovenian Women

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
“ You never know what you ’ re gon na get and when you do they suddenly change their minds.
” The President added : “ So-called Western science tells ya one thing and then later it ’ s something else , and they make you wear protection .
Getting a straight answer from these scientists is like negotiating with a Slovenian hooker , ya never know if you gon na get screwed or not.
” WASHINGTON DC — @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on “ so-called Western science , ” which he described as “ nasty and changeable as a Slovenian Woman when she ’ s , ya know , moody .
One minute it ’ s Yes , yes , whatever , and the next it ’ s Buzz off , you fat , orange slob , I just can ’ t do this anymore.
” Trump said that Slovenians apart , a good recent example was “ Tiny Tony Fauci , ” who once told him that cruise ships might be okay but then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his biggest mistakes !
“ Suddenly he starts screaming , ‘ Hey , I was wrong !
Don ’ t go on cruise ships !
’ destroying the whole fucking industry .
Call that science ?
I call it treason !
Lock him up !
” Trump went on : “ In fact , the extremely reverend Franklin Graham , son of St Billy , said just the other day that Tiny Tony must be wrong because ‘ Science isn ’ t truth , God is ’ ( 22 June 2020 ) .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , after reading Second Dueteromney , ” Trump continued , noting that the whole problem was western so-called science itself , “ a deep-state Liberal agenda radical ideology invented just to stop me getting re-elected.
” He shook his pudgy forefinger .
“ Scientists pretend they can never make up their minds , but all they really want is money , power and sex .
I can respect that , but then they ’ re also like those damn Slovenian Women , yes , no , maybe , we need to revisit our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Ha !
Over my dead body !
” Frothing slightly , Trump went on : “ Not a lot of people know this , but actual scientists like Copper Knickers and Gallie Leo used to believe that the sun goes around the earth , which it obviously does .
I mean just look up at the sky , folks .
In the morning it ’ s there , on the left-hand side , and in the evening it ’ s on the right .
So like Gallie Leo said , It moves @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ignoranus !
He took a sip from a glass of water with two trembling hands .
“ But them stupid scientists , suddenly it ’ s , ‘ Oh no , the earth actually goes around the sun !
It just looks like the other way around !
Well , I ’ d like to know where the sun goes at night then , when it ’ s all dark ?
I mean if we go around it , shouldn ’ t it just be there all the time , but isn ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an executive order silencing scientists who claim that the earth goes around the sun .
They can just shut up along with the evolutionists , Tiny Tony , and the CDC.
” Trump wound up : “ All I can say is I ’ m glad we have true Christian patriots like the son of St Billy and Jerry Farewell Jr to lead us in prayer , because by God we ’ re gon na need it !
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
“You never know what you’re gonna get and when you do they suddenly change their minds.”
The President added: “So-called Western science tells ya one thing and then later it’s something else, and they make you wear protection. Getting a straight answer from these scientists is like negotiating with a Slovenian hooker, ya never know if you gonna get screwed or not.”
WASHINGTON DC — President Trump today launched a scathing attack on “so-called Western science,” which he described as “nasty and changeable as a Slovenian Woman when she’s, ya know, moody. One minute it’s Yes, yes, whatever, and the next it’s Buzz off, you fat, orange slob, I just can’t do this anymore.”
Trump said that Slovenians apart, a good recent example was “Tiny Tony Fauci,” who once told him that cruise ships might be okay but then look at what happened! One of his biggest mistakes!
“Suddenly he starts screaming, ‘Hey, I was wrong! Don’t go on cruise ships!’ destroying the whole fucking industry. Call that science? I call it treason! Lock him up!”
Trump went on: “In fact, the extremely reverend Franklin Graham, son of St Billy, said just the other day that Tiny Tony must be wrong because ‘Science isn’t truth, God is’ (22 June 2020).
“I knew that, of course, after reading Second Dueteromney,” Trump continued, noting that the whole problem was western so-called science itself, “a deep-state Liberal agenda radical ideology invented just to stop me getting re-elected.”
He shook his pudgy forefinger. “Scientists pretend they can never make up their minds, but all they really want is money, power and sex. I can respect that, but then they’re also like those damn Slovenian Women, yes, no, maybe, we need to revisit our prenup arrangement and what about my kid? Ha! Over my dead body!”
Frothing slightly, Trump went on: “Not a lot of people know this, but actual scientists like Copper Knickers and Gallie Leo used to believe that the sun goes around the earth, which it obviously does. I mean just look up at the sky, folks. In the morning it’s there, on the left-hand side, and in the evening it’s on the right. So like Gallie Leo said, It moves! Hey, I’m no ignoranus! He took a sip from a glass of water with two trembling hands.
“But them stupid scientists, suddenly it’s, ‘Oh no, the earth actually goes around the sun! It just looks like the other way around! Well, I’d like to know where the sun goes at night then, when it’s all dark? I mean if we go around it, shouldn’t it just be there all the time, but isn’t?
“I intend to issue an executive order silencing scientists who claim that the earth goes around the sun. They can just shut up along with the evolutionists, Tiny Tony, and the CDC.”
Trump wound up: “All I can say is I’m glad we have true Christian patriots like the son of St Billy and Jerry Farewell Jr to lead us in prayer, because by God we’re gonna need it!”


humortimes--2020-07-16--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Dr. Sigmund Freud

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the father of modern psychology , Dr. Sigmund Freud , and Donald Trump .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Through the magic of a hologram , from Heaven my guest is the father of modern psychology Dr. Sigmund Freud and President Donald Trump .
Freud is a smart guy .
He told me I ’ ve had a vacancy of the cranium @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m not stable .
Do you mind if I smoke ?
I don ’ t care if you burn up , Doc .
Dat vasn ’ t nice .
You have an Oedipus complex , Mr .
Dump .
That ’ s serious .
The Orange Man has a sexual desire for his mother .
And hates his father .
My mother is so hot , I tried to date her .
And vhy do you tink you vere rejected ?
I never liked the jerk .
I asked him what he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ I impersonate a human being.
” Hey , Doc .
Save some time for me .
I have a problem .
Lay it on me , Big Fella .
Okay .
I can ’ t seem to find a girlfriend .
I realized it when the last girl I dated told me that I wasn ’ t like the rest of them .
She said I was worse .
Oh my .
Vell , Jerry .
Der is somevone for everyvone and da person for you is a psychiatrist .
Dat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ vant to put it on your credit card ?
See this middle finger in front of your face ?
Is that it for the day ?
No .
I discovered you have a libido .
Repetition , hate , aggression and neurotic guilt .
Mr .
Dump .
These are da scientific findings .
You ’ re a moron , an idiot , a dictator and dishonest .
You don ’ t take responsibility for your mistakes .
And you blame everyvone else for your ineptness and failure of leadership.The coronavirus is out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ da crapper .
Vhat more is dere to say ?
The coronvirus will disappear , Four Eyes .
And the only thing in the crapper is your head .
Flush hard , it ’ s a long way to Heaven .
Just a minute .
There is a caller on the line .
What do you want ?
Why can ’ t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom ?
I ’ m glad you asked .
The ‘ p ’ is silent .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the father of modern psychology, Dr. Sigmund Freud, and Donald Trump.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Through the magic of a hologram, from Heaven my guest is the father of modern psychology Dr. Sigmund Freud and President Donald Trump.
JERRY
Good morning, Doc.
SIGMUND FREUD
(German accent) Vunderbar. I hope dat I don’t have a Freudian slip.
JERRY
Hi, Trumpster.
DONALD TRUMP
Freud is a smart guy. He told me I’ve had a vacancy of the cranium since birth. Not stable. I’m not stable.
FREUD
Do you mind if I smoke?
TRUMP
I don’t care if you burn up, Doc.
FREUD
Dat vasn’t nice. You have an Oedipus complex, Mr. Dump.
JERRY
That’s serious. The Orange Man has a sexual desire for his mother. And hates his father.
TRUMP
My mother is so hot, I tried to date her.
FREUD
And vhy do you tink you vere rejected?
TRUMP
Small hands. Very small hands.
FREUD
Interesting. And your daddy?
TRUMP
I never liked the jerk. I asked him what he did for a living. He said, “I impersonate a human being.”
JERRY
Hey, Doc. Save some time for me. I have a problem.
FREUD
Lay it on me, Big Fella.
JERRY
Okay. I can’t seem to find a girlfriend.
FREUD
Vhy do you tink?
JERRY
I realized it when the last girl I dated told me that I wasn’t like the rest of them.
FREUD
And?
JERRY
She said I was worse.
FREUD
Oh my. Vell, Jerry. Der is somevone for everyvone and da person for you is a psychiatrist.
JERRY
Great.
FREUD
Dat vill be $500. Do you vant to put it on your credit card?
JERRY
See this middle finger in front of your face?
FREUD
Ah, yes. No problemo.
TRUMP
Is that it for the day?
FREUD
No. I discovered you have a libido. Repetition, hate, aggression and neurotic guilt.
TRUMP
Fake news.
FREUD
Mr. Dump. These are da scientific findings. You’re a moron, an idiot, a dictator and dishonest.
JERRY
That sounds right.
FREUD
I have more.
JERRY
By all means.
FREUD
You don’t take responsibility for your mistakes. And you blame everyvone else for your ineptness and failure of leadership.The coronavirus is out of control and da economy is in da crapper. Vhat more is dere to say?
TRUMP
The coronvirus will disappear, Four Eyes. And the only thing in the crapper is your head. Flush hard, it’s a long way to Heaven.
JERRY
Just a minute. There is a caller on the line.
JOE BIDEN
Jerry. It’s Joe Biden.
JERRY
What do you want?
BIDEN
I have a question for Dr. Freud.
FREUD
Go ahead.
BIDEN
Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom?
FREUD
I’m glad you asked. The ‘p’ is silent.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-07-15--Spinning Around on Trump’s Money-Go-Round

Trump rich buddies bend government power to the wishes of selfish corporate interests with their money-go-round .
The Donald is in a funk .
He ’ s been outsmarted by an inert virus .
His poll numbers are tanking , and even his demagogic pep rallies are falling flat .
So , who to turn to for political comfort ?
Why , of course , Trump ’ s true loyalists : his diehard cadre of Washington ’ s corporate lobbyists .
I don ’ t merely mean those elites of K-Street and Wall Street who dominate his Cabinet , constituting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and for corporate greed .
He also has a “ kitchen cabinet.
” Operating out of public view , it ’ s an unofficial collection of highly paid influence peddlers who ’ re still practicing the dark art of bending government power to the wishes of selfish corporate interests .
Each of them is paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year by brand-name clients — from Amazon to Walgreens — to get favors from Trump .
In turn , these little-known lobbyists have now adopted The Donald as their chief client @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his reelection campaign with the understanding that he ’ ll keep channeling tax breaks , regulatory exemptions and public dollars to the corporate donors .
It ’ s the Washington money-go-round , merrily corrupting our government .
Who are these no-name corrupters ?
David Urban is one , considered the best-connected corporate huckster in the Trump swamp .
He ’ s an old college pal of both Pentagon chief Mark Esper and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo .
Moreover , he ’ s become such a close buddy of Donald himself that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Whisperer , ” able to work around the furies that rage in that strange orange head .
Such cozy ties to the top mean Urban gets his calls returned , an invaluable asset for his favor-seeking clientele , including Raytheon , Goldman Sachs , Bayer , Nike and Toyota .
They , in turn , have made Urban rich , paying the once-obscure lobbyist more than $ 25 million since the Trumpeteers took office .
And why wouldn ’ t they ?
For example , in 2019 the giant weapons maker Raytheon wanted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of missiles to Saudi Arabia ’ s royal rulers , but there was a congressional ban on such sales .
No problem : ( 1 ) Raytheon enlisted Urban as their fixer ; ( 2 ) he asked his pal Pompeo to meet with Raytheon ’ s CEO ; and ( 3 ) voila !
— the arms dealer promptly got a state department waiver to make the sale .
So , Washington lobbyists like Urban are now the top strategists and fundraisers for Trump 2020 , hoping to get another four-year ride @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s COVID-19 crisis , the PR departments of every brand-name corporation are running slick ads nobly proclaiming : “ We ’ re all in this together !
” Simultaneously , the corporate lobbying departments are ignobly using the public ’ s focus on the health crisis as cover for selfishly grabbing government favors for the corporation — everyone else be damned .
And Trump ’ s totally corporate White House has been their corrupt cohort , serving as a front-end loader for everything from more corporate tax giveaways to jiggered labor rules @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grabbiest special interests are well-off corporate and parochial private schools , where students from some of America ’ s wealthiest families get their education .
For years , the nonpublic entities have been lobbying relentlessly to make taxpayers finance their schools , even though the schools are not open to all and usually have a narrow ideological or religious curriculum — including some extremist courses teaching that public schools should be eliminated .
That extremist nook is where Betsy DeVos resides .
She ’ s a multibillionaire heiress and long-time funder of far-right @ @ @ @ @ @ @ money-go-round .
Chosen by Trump to run America ’ s education department , she ’ s been trying — by hook or crook — to run our schools straight into private hands… but with no success .
Along came the COVID-19 federal relief package , including funds to help meet the education needs of low-income students in hard-hit public schools .
Hallelujah !
shouted DeVos , grabbing the coronavirus as a way to advance her ideological agenda .
In May , she issued an edict from on high requiring local public school districts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from their disadvantaged students , forcing them to share their allotment with even the richest private schools .
Astonishingly , Trump ’ s haughty education secretary rationalized her directive as a matter of economic fairness , piously informing locals that they must not “ discriminate ” against the rich .
DeVos ’ “ share-with-the-rich ” dictum can be a bit imbalanced .
Officials in New Orleans , for example , note that under her formula , 77 % of its allotment would end up in private hands .
Luckily , her “ order @ @ @ @ @ @ @ law , and public schools are fighting back .
For information and action , go to the National Coalition for Public Education : NCPEcoalition.org .

Trump rich buddies bend government power to the wishes of selfish corporate interests with their money-go-round.
The Donald is in a funk. He’s been outsmarted by an inert virus. His poll numbers are tanking, and even his demagogic pep rallies are falling flat.
So, who to turn to for political comfort? Why, of course, Trump’s true loyalists: his diehard cadre of Washington’s corporate lobbyists. I don’t merely mean those elites of K-Street and Wall Street who dominate his Cabinet, constituting the official Trump government of, by, and for corporate greed.
He also has a “kitchen cabinet.” Operating out of public view, it’s an unofficial collection of highly paid influence peddlers who’re still practicing the dark art of bending government power to the wishes of selfish corporate interests. Each of them is paid hundreds of thousands of dollars a year by brand-name clients — from Amazon to Walgreens — to get favors from Trump.
In turn, these little-known lobbyists have now adopted The Donald as their chief client, funneling millions of special-interest dollars into his reelection campaign with the understanding that he’ll keep channeling tax breaks, regulatory exemptions and public dollars to the corporate donors. It’s the Washington money-go-round, merrily corrupting our government.
Who are these no-name corrupters? David Urban is one, considered the best-connected corporate huckster in the Trump swamp. He’s an old college pal of both Pentagon chief Mark Esper and Secretary of State Mike Pompeo. Moreover, he’s become such a close buddy of Donald himself that he’s known as a “Trump Whisperer,” able to work around the furies that rage in that strange orange head.
Such cozy ties to the top mean Urban gets his calls returned, an invaluable asset for his favor-seeking clientele, including Raytheon, Goldman Sachs, Bayer, Nike and Toyota. They, in turn, have made Urban rich, paying the once-obscure lobbyist more than $25 million since the Trumpeteers took office. And why wouldn’t they? For example, in 2019 the giant weapons maker Raytheon wanted to sell several billion dollars’ worth of missiles to Saudi Arabia’s royal rulers, but there was a congressional ban on such sales. No problem: (1) Raytheon enlisted Urban as their fixer; (2) he asked his pal Pompeo to meet with Raytheon’s CEO; and (3) voila! — the arms dealer promptly got a state department waiver to make the sale.
So, Washington lobbyists like Urban are now the top strategists and fundraisers for Trump 2020, hoping to get another four-year ride on the corrupt money-go-round.
During today’s COVID-19 crisis, the PR departments of every brand-name corporation are running slick ads nobly proclaiming: “We’re all in this together!”
Simultaneously, the corporate lobbying departments are ignobly using the public’s focus on the health crisis as cover for selfishly grabbing government favors for the corporation — everyone else be damned. And Trump’s totally corporate White House has been their corrupt cohort, serving as a front-end loader for everything from more corporate tax giveaways to jiggered labor rules that stiff workers.
One of the grabbiest special interests are well-off corporate and parochial private schools, where students from some of America’s wealthiest families get their education. For years, the nonpublic entities have been lobbying relentlessly to make taxpayers finance their schools, even though the schools are not open to all and usually have a narrow ideological or religious curriculum — including some extremist courses teaching that public schools should be eliminated.
That extremist nook is where Betsy DeVos resides. She’s a multibillionaire heiress and long-time funder of far-right causes and a favored player in the money-go-round. Chosen by Trump to run America’s education department, she’s been trying — by hook or crook — to run our schools straight into private hands… but with no success. Along came the COVID-19 federal relief package, including funds to help meet the education needs of low-income students in hard-hit public schools.
Hallelujah! shouted DeVos, grabbing the coronavirus as a way to advance her ideological agenda. In May, she issued an edict from on high requiring local public school districts to divert millions of the relief dollars from their disadvantaged students, forcing them to share their allotment with even the richest private schools. Astonishingly, Trump’s haughty education secretary rationalized her directive as a matter of economic fairness, piously informing locals that they must not “discriminate” against the rich.
DeVos’ “share-with-the-rich” dictum can be a bit imbalanced. Officials in New Orleans, for example, note that under her formula, 77% of its allotment would end up in private hands. Luckily, her “order” does not have the force of law, and public schools are fighting back. For information and action, go to the National Coalition for Public Education: NCPEcoalition.org.


humortimes--2020-07-18--Ivanka Takes a Star Wars Halloween Trip

Ivanka Takes a Star Wars Halloween Trip

Star Wars comes to life in the Trump home .
A story has finally leaked out about an incident that happened around Halloween last year when Ivanka was not seen in public for a few weeks .
It appears that she was in a private psychiatric hospital while she recovered from the hallucinogenic effects of some mushrooms she purchased at a roadside farmer ’ s market that she described to her friends had a “ trippy 1960 ’ s vibe.
” That evening , she and the children put on their Star Wars Halloween costumes and watched Return of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s gold bikini .
At the end of the movie , the nannies took the children to bed , and Ivanka went to her own bedroom .
About 15 minutes later , Jared entered the room to find her sitting on the edge of the bed with the chain from the metal collar around her neck clamped on a bedpost .
Thinking it was a game of sexual role playing , Jared decided to play along .
“ Leia , ” he called , “ It ’ s Han .
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jared then lunged toward the chain and pretended to give it a karate chop , since he didn ’ t have a weapon .
Ivanka jumped to her feet yelling , “ Leave , leave my bedchamber right now .
I don ’ t belong to you anymore .
I belong to him.
” Thinking he was supposed to play the dashing hero , Jared then rushed Ivanka and tried to throw her over his shoulder .
Yelling , “ No , no , it ’ s over between us , ” Ivanka @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of her metal bracelets .
Blood running down his chin from his now very swollen lip , Jared dropped Ivanka onto the bed and dashed into the bathroom to make a cold compress with a hand towel .
When Jared returned to the bedroom , Ivanka looked at him with a cold eye .
“ Leave , leave before he gets here .
You ’ ve always known he was the one in control .
I hear his bulk coming down the hall .
Go out the side door before Lord Jabba gets @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jared realized that this was no role play , and Ivanka had lost touch with reality .
He did leave by the side door , but to call the family physician who sent a special limousine with EMT ’ s who convinced her that they were emissaries of Jabba the Hutt ordered to take her to his special hideout .
During the first few days of therapy , Ivanka continued to insist that Jared was Han Solo and did not recognize photos of her children , except the youngest who she identified as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the effects of the hallucinogen began to wear off , and she could correctly identify all family members , except her father , whom she continued to refer to as Jabba the Hutt for the next two weeks .
During this time , Jared mentioned his concern to her therapist , who assured him that this was taking more time only because there was such a close resemblance .

Star Wars comes to life in the Trump home.
A story has finally leaked out about an incident that happened around Halloween last year when Ivanka was not seen in public for a few weeks. It appears that she was in a private psychiatric hospital while she recovered from the hallucinogenic effects of some mushrooms she purchased at a roadside farmer’s market that she described to her friends had a “trippy 1960’s vibe.”
That evening, she and the children put on their Star Wars Halloween costumes and watched Return of the Jedi, with Ivanka in Carrie Fisher’s gold bikini. At the end of the movie, the nannies took the children to bed, and Ivanka went to her own bedroom.
About 15 minutes later, Jared entered the room to find her sitting on the edge of the bed with the chain from the metal collar around her neck clamped on a bedpost. Thinking it was a game of sexual role playing, Jared decided to play along.
“Leia,” he called, “It’s Han. I’ve come to rescue you!” Jared then lunged toward the chain and pretended to give it a karate chop, since he didn’t have a weapon.
Ivanka jumped to her feet yelling, “Leave, leave my bedchamber right now. I don’t belong to you anymore. I belong to him.”
Thinking he was supposed to play the dashing hero, Jared then rushed Ivanka and tried to throw her over his shoulder.
Yelling, “No, no, it’s over between us,” Ivanka smacked Jared in the mouth with one of her metal bracelets. Blood running down his chin from his now very swollen lip, Jared dropped Ivanka onto the bed and dashed into the bathroom to make a cold compress with a hand towel.
When Jared returned to the bedroom, Ivanka looked at him with a cold eye. “Leave, leave before he gets here. You’ve always known he was the one in control. I hear his bulk coming down the hall. Go out the side door before Lord Jabba gets here!”
At this point, Jared realized that this was no role play, and Ivanka had lost touch with reality. He did leave by the side door, but to call the family physician who sent a special limousine with EMT’s who convinced her that they were emissaries of Jabba the Hutt ordered to take her to his special hideout.
During the first few days of therapy, Ivanka continued to insist that Jared was Han Solo and did not recognize photos of her children, except the youngest who she identified as Salacious Crumb. By the third day, the effects of the hallucinogen began to wear off, and she could correctly identify all family members, except her father, whom she continued to refer to as Jabba the Hutt for the next two weeks. During this time, Jared mentioned his concern to her therapist, who assured him that this was taking more time only because there was such a close resemblance.


humortimes--2020-07-18--Slobovian Sports Legend Unveils New International Sports League

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Slobovia hopes to fill the need for competition with the new sports league .
Baron Otto Von Klanginbangin , who ranks as one of Slobovia ’ s all time sports legends , is launching a new sports league .
He rates as one the best ever turdebacks in Slobovian Horse Hockey , and was the country ’ s World Champion heavyweight Professional Box Fighter .
The Baron is one of the legendary villains in Slobovian Dung Wrestling history .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ 8 years in a row and he is the only man in history to climb the volcano Mount Krappatoa while it was erupting .
Von Klanginbangin recently appeared on SNN ’ s popular program Sportscrappe and announced the creation of a new worldwide sports league , the I.F.F.L .
( The International Free Flatulence League ) .
It will be the only professional free farting league in the world .
He will serve as commissioner and chief brand officer .
The Baron introduced the International leg of the operation , which will include @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sports league : American based teams will play in two divisions .
Teamsin the Eastern division are : • The New York Gutbombers .
Home games will be played at Yankee Stadiun .
The Stadium will be renamed Gas-X Stadium .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Slobovia hopes to fill the need for competition with the new sports league.
Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Baron Otto Von Klanginbangin, who ranks as one of Slobovia’s all time sports legends, is launching a new sports league. He rates as one the best ever turdebacks in Slobovian Horse Hockey, and was the country’s World Champion heavyweight Professional Box Fighter.
The Baron is one of the legendary villains in Slobovian Dung Wrestling history. He won the Schnotzelvakian Elephant Suplexing championship 8 years in a row and he is the only man in history to climb the volcano Mount Krappatoa while it was erupting.
Von Klanginbangin recently appeared on SNN’s popular program Sportscrappe and announced the creation of a new worldwide sports league, the I.F.F.L. (The International Free Flatulence League). It will be the only professional free farting league in the world. He will serve as commissioner and chief brand officer.
The Baron introduced the International leg of the operation, which will include the following worldwide franchises for the new sports league:
The Stanck Stancks, based in Stanck, Slobovia
The Vancouver Vapors
The London Trumpers
The Mexico City Velocipads
The Moscow Bzunders
The Berlin Geschwindigkeits
The Rome Rhumpsplitters
The Hong Kong Quongbongs
American based teams will play in two divisions. Teamsin the Eastern division are:


Movie Review: ‘Radioactive’

The title is quite specific , even if it might fool you about what the film is about .
It is a period movie taking place mostly in Paris late in the 19th century and early on in the 20th .
Radioactive is the perfect movie for younger people not having given much thought about the history of the prolific scientist and intellectual , Marie Curie .
Curie was the first woman to receive a number of significant honors ; and to obtain coveted university teaching positions .
To list them would detract from discussing Radioactive , the product of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Born in Warsaw , Curie migrated to Paris .
There she met a well-educated man of science named Pierre Curie .
Madame Curie was born Maria Skiodowska .
The couple had two daughters .
Rosamund Pike , who was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar in Gone Girl , puts tremendous energy into the character of a woman who quite obviously had plenty of her own energy living a life that has made a powerful impact on today ’ s medical science and technology .
Radioactive is a routine example of the biographical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ It ’ s a movie you ’ ve seen before , ” but with other great lives calling the shots for what happens .
Al Jolson , Glenn Miller , Babe Ruth , Buddy Holly , George Patton and other important figures who came before us have their stories all locked in a similar template .
Madame Curie and her husband won the Nobel Prize just after the turning of the 19th century .
It was almost simultaneous with when Claude Debussy became internationally well-known as a great French composer .
Just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Monsieur Curie made me think of Debussy .
Riley , at first glance , seems to look and dress as Debussy did in the early 1900s .
French impressionistic music is used sparingly on the soundtrack .
But the fashions , architecture and décor all say , “ Yes , this must not only be France , but indeed … Paris.
” Pierre ’ s life was cut short in a horse and carriage street accident .
After a time , Marie became involved with a slightly younger Frenchman who was an understudy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was France , but barely into the 20th century , Curie was publicly berated for her affair with Aneurin Barnard , played by Paul Langevin .
This social reaction hindered her as much as merely being female had previously held her back when making professional advancements in teaching , physics , chemistry and scientific research .
What a woman .
Madame Curie died of aplastic anemia due to routine radiation exposure on the 4th of July , 1934 .
She was 66 .

“Radioactive” — a film review by Gary Chew.
The title is quite specific, even if it might fool you about what the film is about. It is a period movie taking place mostly in Paris late in the 19th century and early on in the 20th. Radioactive is the perfect movie for younger people not having given much thought about the history of the prolific scientist and intellectual, Marie Curie.
Curie was the first woman to receive a number of significant honors; and to obtain coveted university teaching positions. To list them would detract from discussing Radioactive, the product of an Iranian-French filmmaker named Marjane Satrapi.
Born in Warsaw, Curie migrated to Paris. There she met a well-educated man of science named Pierre Curie. Madame Curie was born Maria Skiodowska. The couple had two daughters.
Rosamund Pike, who was nominated for a Best Actress Oscar in Gone Girl, puts tremendous energy into the character of a woman who quite obviously had plenty of her own energy living a life that has made a powerful impact on today’s medical science and technology.
Radioactive is a routine example of the biographical motion picture. You might say: “It’s a movie you’ve seen before,” but with other great lives calling the shots for what happens. Al Jolson, Glenn Miller, Babe Ruth, Buddy Holly, George Patton and other important figures who came before us have their stories all locked in a similar template.
Madame Curie and her husband won the Nobel Prize just after the turning of the 19th century. It was almost simultaneous with when Claude Debussy became internationally well-known as a great French composer. Just seeing Sam Riley in the role of Monsieur Curie made me think of Debussy. Riley, at first glance, seems to look and dress as Debussy did in the early 1900s. French impressionistic music is used sparingly on the soundtrack. But the fashions, architecture and décor all say, “Yes, this must not only be France, but indeed … Paris.”
Pierre’s life was cut short in a horse and carriage street accident. After a time, Marie became involved with a slightly younger Frenchman who was an understudy to her late husband. Even though it was France, but barely into the 20th century, Curie was publicly berated for her affair with Aneurin Barnard, played by Paul Langevin. This social reaction hindered her as much as merely being female had previously held her back when making professional advancements in teaching, physics, chemistry and scientific research. What a woman.
Madame Curie died of aplastic anemia due to routine radiation exposure on the 4th of July, 1934. She was 66.


humortimes--2020-07-20--Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/20/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/20/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Too Much and Never Enough ’ sold 950,000 copies on its first day It ’ s so accurate it repeats Chapter 11 six times .
Victoria Beckham congratulated her son Brooklyn on his engagement to Nicola Peltz Adding , she told Nicola : “ If you wan na be my daughter-in-law you got ta get with my son .
Zigazig , ah !
” … .
While , the people who thought of this are smoking good old-fashioned grass !
!
!
Could be she ’ s just allergic to the bubble @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump says Biden wants to ban windows That ’ s really going to upset Putin , how else are people going to die of natural causes ?
!
The WHO ending hydroxychloroquine trial for COVID But , mostly to focus on their music .
New York prosecutors believe Ivanka Trump skimmed millions from the 2016 Inaugural Fund When she could ’ ve just gone to Jared .
Multiple Dallas Cowboy and Houston Texan players have tested positive for coronavirus While members of the New York Jets remain unable to catch anything .
Canadians @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as Congress calls for reopened border … well , at least , they said it politely .
May you find good trouble in your next journey !
Tucker Carlson claims it ’ s not a punishment that he ’ s going on “ vacation ” Hmmm , that ’ s like Roy Moore Jr. saying he prefers shopping online instead of at the mall !
Katie Holmes followed Thandie Newton on Instagram after Thandi recalled a “ nightmare ” Tom Cruise WH portraits of Clinton and George W. Bush were moved from a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t see them

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Mary Trump memoir ‘Too Much and Never Enough’ sold 950,000 copies on its first day
It’s so accurate it repeats Chapter 11 six times.
Victoria Beckham congratulated her son Brooklyn on his engagement to Nicola Peltz
Adding, she told Nicola: “If you wanna be my daughter-in-law you gotta get with my son. Zigazig, ah!”
Burger King’s giving cows lemongrass to cut down cow farting
…. While, the people who thought of this are smoking good old-fashioned grass!!!
Ruth Bader Ginsburg back in hospital with infection
Could be she’s just allergic to the bubble wrap she’s kept in?
Trump says Biden wants to ban windows
That’s really going to upset Putin, how else are people going to die of natural causes?!
The WHO ending hydroxychloroquine trial for COVID
But, mostly to focus on their music.
New York prosecutors believe Ivanka Trump skimmed millions from the 2016 Inaugural Fund
When she could’ve just gone to Jared.
Multiple Dallas Cowboy and Houston Texan players have tested positive for coronavirus
While members of the New York Jets remain unable to catch anything.
Canadians say ‘keep it’ to U.S. as Congress calls for reopened border
… well, at least, they said it politely.
RIP, John Lewis
May you find good trouble in your next journey!
Tucker Carlson claims it’s not a punishment that he’s going on “vacation”
Hmmm, that’s like Roy Moore Jr. saying he prefers shopping online instead of at the mall!
Katie Holmes followed Thandie Newton on Instagram after Thandi recalled a “nightmare” Tom Cruise
Story Translation, Katie Holmes: Hold my beer!
Squirrel tests positive for bubonic plague in Colorado, health officials warn
… Okay, that’s just nuts!
WH portraits of Clinton and George W. Bush were moved from a prominent spot to a place Trump won’t see them
… Melania’s bedroom…


humortimes--2020-07-20--The New Trump Supporters

The New Trump Supporters

Sure , it ’ s easy to find many who have turned against the president , but what about the new Trump supporters ?
A couple of years back , The New York Times initiated a search to find Trump voters who no longer supported the president .
They asked such folks to self-identify and give their reasons for doing a one-eighty on The Donald .
Well isn ’ t that just typical of the fake news ?
All The Times cares to do is identify Trump traitors ; they don ’ t care to look for those voters who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2016 , but are now new Trump supporters .
Voters like : “ Honestly , I wasn ’ t that crazy about Donald Trump in the beginning .
Although I liked his idea of the Mexican border wall , for the most part I didn ’ t see his views really jiving with mine .
That is , until he came out with some tacit support for us white supremacists .
He could have taken the easy road and condemned us and the neo-Nazis outright but he didn ’ t .
As I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ message to me and my friends to hang in there and fight the good fight .
Heck , I ’ m not asking him to secretly send us all a free white sheet but I do appreciate his efforts and you can now count me as a big Donald Trump fan.
” “ I ’ ve been an investment banker almost my entire adult life so I was somewhat familiar with Donald Trump as a kind of clown-like figure on the New York City real estate development scene .
He wasn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ probably wasn ’ t the worst either .
Last election , I actually voted for Hillary Clinton because of all her Wall Street ties .
But , honestly , I have to say that I ’ ve changed my mind completely .
That Trump fellow has really impressed me with all his talk of repealing Obamacare and cutting taxes for folks like me .
Some say his tax cuts are shortsighted and will only hurt the economy but all I know is that they ’ re sure as hell going to help my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ personal motto.
” “ I ’ ve never been much of a political guy , at least until now .
As for the last presidential election , I didn ’ t even vote .
It just seemed like so much noise that I never got interested and , heck , I didn ’ t even register .
But after the election , I had what my wife called an epiphany .
I thought maybe that was a cancerous growth on my neck but it turns out it means I kind of saw the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that light is that my business in southern Arizona dealing in concrete , stones and wall-mounted solar panels has taken off big time thanks to President Trump .
If he continues his plan for a Mexican border wall , I ’ m in line to get a whole lot of contracts .
Trump supporter ?
You betcha !
” “ I guess I don ’ t really count as someone who voted for Donald Trump and then changed her mind .
After all , I ’ ve done quite well by the fellow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ On the other hand , if I ’ m being honest ( and , heaven knows , I always try to be honest ) , I didn ’ t always care for the fellow .
In fact , prior to him getting the Republican nomination , I actually worked for Ted Cruz and spent a lot of my time coming up with nasty insults to throw at Mr. Trump .
But , hey , that ’ s all water under or over the bridge as they like to say in Houston and , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as one big enthusiastic Trump supporter unless , of course , somebody pulls a “ Bannon ” on me .
”

Sure, it’s easy to find many who have turned against the president, but what about the new Trump supporters?
A couple of years back, The New York Times initiated a search to find Trump voters who no longer supported the president. They asked such folks to self-identify and give their reasons for doing a one-eighty on The Donald.
Well isn’t that just typical of the fake news? All The Times cares to do is identify Trump traitors; they don’t care to look for those voters who didn’t vote for Trump in 2016, but are now new Trump supporters. Voters like:
David Butler of Skokie, Illinois
“Honestly, I wasn’t that crazy about Donald Trump in the beginning. Although I liked his idea of the Mexican border wall, for the most part I didn’t see his views really jiving with mine. That is, until he came out with some tacit support for us white supremacists. He could have taken the easy road and condemned us and the neo-Nazis outright but he didn’t. As I see it, he sent a subtle message to me and my friends to hang in there and fight the good fight. Heck, I’m not asking him to secretly send us all a free white sheet but I do appreciate his efforts and you can now count me as a big Donald Trump fan.”
Arthur J. Harris III of New York City
“I’ve been an investment banker almost my entire adult life so I was somewhat familiar with Donald Trump as a kind of clown-like figure on the New York City real estate development scene. He wasn’t the best of the lot but he probably wasn’t the worst either. Last election, I actually voted for Hillary Clinton because of all her Wall Street ties. But, honestly, I have to say that I’ve changed my mind completely. That Trump fellow has really impressed me with all his talk of repealing Obamacare and cutting taxes for folks like me. Some say his tax cuts are shortsighted and will only hurt the economy but all I know is that they’re sure as hell going to help my bottom line. MAGA is now my personal motto.”
Tex Lister of Nogales, Arizona
“I’ve never been much of a political guy, at least until now. As for the last presidential election, I didn’t even vote. It just seemed like so much noise that I never got interested and, heck, I didn’t even register. But after the election, I had what my wife called an epiphany. I thought maybe that was a cancerous growth on my neck but it turns out it means I kind of saw the light for the first time. And that light is that my business in southern Arizona dealing in concrete, stones and wall-mounted solar panels has taken off big time thanks to President Trump. If he continues his plan for a Mexican border wall, I’m in line to get a whole lot of contracts. Trump supporter? You betcha!”
Kellyanne Conway of Washington, D. C.
“I guess I don’t really count as someone who voted for Donald Trump and then changed her mind. After all, I’ve done quite well by the fellow if I do say so myself. On the other hand, if I’m being honest (and, heaven knows, I always try to be honest), I didn’t always care for the fellow. In fact, prior to him getting the Republican nomination, I actually worked for Ted Cruz and spent a lot of my time coming up with nasty insults to throw at Mr. Trump. But, hey, that’s all water under or over the bridge as they like to say in Houston and, at least for now, count me as one big enthusiastic Trump supporter unless, of course, somebody pulls a “Bannon” on me.”


humortimes--2020-07-26--Famed British Agent James Bond Arrested on 37,267 Counts of Sexual Assault and Rape

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
James Bond was taken into custody on international warrants , according to Slobovian Secret Service sources .
Internationally famous British secret agent James Bond was arrested today as he vacationed at the glamorous Slobovian resort , The Isle of Poohtang .
Mr .
Bond was taken into custody on international warrants charging the sexual assault and rape of 37,267 women around the world since 1962 .
According to Slobovian Secret Service sources , more charges may be pending .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” Mr .
Bond was taken into custody by Slobovian Secret Agent Aardvarke Squiddlybumppo and Agent ZippeQuarkUpo , the Slobovian equivilent of 007 .
The earliest complaint against Commander Bond dates back to the spring of 1962 .
A woman named Honey Ryder states that she met James Bond on an Caribbean island belonging to a Doctor No .
She says that she was collecting sea shells on the beach when she met Mr .
Bond .
She says he seduced her and then proceeded to blow up the island .
She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ several more times , took her to England , seduced her multiple times there , then dumped her for some Russian bimbo , who he in turn dumped for someone called Pussy Galore .
“ James Bond thinks that all women are pussy galore , ” stated Miss Ryder .
In order to fight extradition to England , James Bond has hired the well-known Slobovian legal firm of Monkey , Hipps and Rice , where he will be represented by Ooooopapa Kow and Dhoo Woppe .
Other women who have filed charges against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kissy Suziki , Mary Goodnight , Holly Goodhead , Octopussy , Vesper Lynd , Fatima Blush and a woman identified only as “ M. ” To our knowledge there are no Slobovian women filing charges against James Bond .
Several years ago in an interview on the Slobbo cable show Celebrity Crappe , Mr .
Bond indicated that he was not attracted to the charms of Slobovian girls that Slobovian men find so alluring , such as body odor and braided underarm hair .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
James Bond was taken into custody on international warrants, according to Slobovian Secret Service sources.
Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Internationally famous British secret agent James Bond was arrested today as he vacationed at the glamorous Slobovian resort, The Isle of Poohtang. Mr. Bond was taken into custody on international warrants charging the sexual assault and rape of 37,267 women around the world since 1962.
According to Slobovian Secret Service sources, more charges may be pending.
In order to be “politically correct,” Mr. Bond was taken into custody by Slobovian Secret Agent Aardvarke Squiddlybumppo and Agent ZippeQuarkUpo, the Slobovian equivilent of 007.
The earliest complaint against Commander Bond dates back to the spring of 1962. A woman named Honey Ryder states that she met James Bond on an Caribbean island belonging to a Doctor No. She says that she was collecting sea shells on the beach when she met Mr. Bond. She says he seduced her and then proceeded to blow up the island. She stated that Mr. Bond seduced her several more times, took her to England, seduced her multiple times there, then dumped her for some Russian bimbo, who he in turn dumped for someone called Pussy Galore.
“James Bond thinks that all women are pussy galore,” stated Miss Ryder.
In order to fight extradition to England, James Bond has hired the well-known Slobovian legal firm of Monkey, Hipps and Rice, where he will be represented by Ooooopapa Kow and Dhoo Woppe.
Other women who have filed charges against Mr. Bond include Domino Derval, Kissy Suziki, Mary Goodnight, Holly Goodhead, Octopussy, Vesper Lynd, Fatima Blush and a woman identified only as “M.”
To our knowledge there are no Slobovian women filing charges against James Bond. Several years ago in an interview on the Slobbo cable show Celebrity Crappe, Mr. Bond indicated that he was not attracted to the charms of Slobovian girls that Slobovian men find so alluring, such as body odor and braided underarm hair.


humortimes--2020-07-26--Arabella’s Dictionary: The Letter P

Arabella’s Dictionary: The Letter P

A thoroughly modern , if irreverent , dictionary for your edification .
In this edition : The Letter P. Paligem ( pal-i-jem ) : Busdriver who chants beatnik poetry under the lampposts of deserted streets after he gets off of work at midnight .
The paligem wears a black beret with his city-issued blue jumpsuit that has ‘ driver ’ inscribed on its breast pocket .
He clutches a book of poetry by Corso in his nonconformist left hand as a bohemian ballad jazzes out of his mouth .
Panopapist ( puh-naw-puh-pist ) : A panopapist is a doctor who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people ’ s bodies .
Only the brightest stars on the cutting edge of medicine study panopapy .
One calls a panopapist after rabidly kissing a cactus , carelessly flumping one ’ s behind down upon a porcupine or playing a fierce game of patty-cakes with a rosebush .
Pardle ( par-dul ) : To pardle is to drive down the street with something hanging out the door of one ’ s car .
The intent does not matter here – one can have something hanging out the door unknowingly , or very @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coattail , seat belt , shopping bag or old t-shirt is seen at the bottom of a car door dragging helplessly down the street , the driver is pardling .
And may be fined .
Patrush ( puh-truhsh ) : A patrush is a lie a person who ’ s had plastic surgery tells about her facial scars .
“ I think Linda with the tight eyelids told a patrush when she said that the incision mark on her forehead was caused by shredding mozzarella cheese.
” Phantom Pepper : A Phantom Pepper @ @ @ @ @ @ @ himself to be eating .
Phragman ( frag-man ) : A phragman is a bearded man who perches on the rooftops of shopping malls and shouts and snivels down at all the people coming in and out ‘ Did you get me anything ?
?
Nobody ever buys me anything.
’ And it ’ s true , nobody does .
For the shoppers all know that they may smile tolerantly up at the phragman , but must never indulge him and buy him his coveted gift as the results would be catastrophic .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ For the love of my turtle ’ .
When one is doing something that no one else can understand , her friends and family will say ‘ why are you doing this nonsensical thing ?
’ The appropriate response is always ‘ Por Higge – for the love of my turtle .
That ’ s why.
’ Pybash ( pi-bash ) : Invisible lab beaker .
Unperceiveable science equipment .
Pybashes are to be stored in inconspicuous cabinets to the right of the emergency eyewash station in a chemist ’ s experimentation @ @

A thoroughly modern, if irreverent, dictionary for your edification. In this edition: The Letter P.
Paligem (pal-i-jem): Busdriver who chants beatnik poetry under the lampposts of deserted streets after he gets off of work at midnight. The paligem wears a black beret with his city-issued blue jumpsuit that has ‘driver’ inscribed on its breast pocket. He clutches a book of poetry by Corso in his nonconformist left hand as a bohemian ballad jazzes out of his mouth.
Panopapist (puh-naw-puh-pist): A panopapist is a doctor who specializes in removing thorns and quills from people’s bodies. Only the brightest stars on the cutting edge of medicine study panopapy. One calls a panopapist after rabidly kissing a cactus, carelessly flumping one’s behind down upon a porcupine or playing a fierce game of patty-cakes with a rosebush.
Pardle (par-dul): To pardle is to drive down the street with something hanging out the door of one’s car. The intent does not matter here – one can have something hanging out the door unknowingly, or very much on purpose. But when a coattail, seat belt, shopping bag or old t-shirt is seen at the bottom of a car door dragging helplessly down the street, the driver is pardling. And may be fined.
Patrush (puh-truhsh): A patrush is a lie a person who’s had plastic surgery tells about her facial scars. “I think Linda with the tight eyelids told a patrush when she said that the incision mark on her forehead was caused by shredding mozzarella cheese.”
Phantom Pepper: A Phantom Pepper is a vegetable that a ghost perceives himself to be eating.
Phragman (frag-man): A phragman is a bearded man who perches on the rooftops of shopping malls and shouts and snivels down at all the people coming in and out ‘Did you get me anything?? Nobody ever buys me anything.’ And it’s true, nobody does. For the shoppers all know that they may smile tolerantly up at the phragman, but must never indulge him and buy him his coveted gift as the results would be catastrophic.
Por Higge (poor hig-he): ‘For the love of my turtle’. When one is doing something that no one else can understand, her friends and family will say ‘why are you doing this nonsensical thing?’ The appropriate response is always ‘Por Higge – for the love of my turtle. That’s why.’
Pybash (pi-bash): Invisible lab beaker. Unperceiveable science equipment. Pybashes are to be stored in inconspicuous cabinets to the right of the emergency eyewash station in a chemist’s experimentation room.