humortimes--2020-10-30--Nearer My Dust to Thee: Space Debris

Nearer My Dust to Thee: Space Debris

The solution to the space debris problem is common sense , as presented here .
CNN reports that outer space is now so crowded with space debris from satellites , orbital missions and other equipment that a collision between two or more of such objects appears imminent.1 Such occurrences will eventually have earth-shaking consequences , unless we can prevent them from multiplying .
An aerospace engineer at University of Texas is urging the scientific community to take it seriously .
It even has a name : space trafficking .
Traffic lanes are now so congested that accidents are bound to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the law of gravity is destined to cause violations of it , the paradox making Isaac Newton an accessory prior to the fact .
That calls for deep thought , worthy of a proud , powerful nation governed by a deep state .
Yet the solution to the space trafficking problem requires nothing more than what Thomas Paine or even Sarah Palin would call common sense .
So , in the name of science , I offer the following strategies to deal with this dilemma , before it “ goes viral ” and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Put a space cop in every orbital path , armed with lasers , trained to choke-hold astronauts , and authorized to issue $ 75 million citations for space-speeding , reckless docking , and no alternate side of the asteroid belt parking .
• Install traffic lights on the dark side of the moon .
Convert large craters to speed traps .
Instagram each and every traffic summons .
• Call a summit meeting of all the planets .
To promote inclusiveness , invite Pluto .
Explain the situation , and ask for their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their moons , rings , and stray comets not to cross the Milky Way by themselves , or to go out of the solar system at night .
• Get the public involved !
Ask for more volunteers to clean up space litter on long equinox weekends .
Place space trash ( not to be confused with “ speed sex traffickers ” ) in the proper “ black gold ” 2 receptacles , to be recycled as petroleum by-products back on earth .
• Last but not least , lobby Congress to give @ @ @ @ @ @ @ % , so they can reach the stars and control the flow of traffic , just as they do here .
Use the freeway system in Los Angeles as a model for future space colonies3 , to make trafficking routine , and reduce the level of astro-anomic distress .
In time , no one will even notice all of the space debris , and the rainbow will be over , even in the faster than light lane .
No clutter , just cremation .
That is the final solution to the human garbage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a modest proposal for scientific inquiry and political policy-making , working to make us free .
Do it now , without delay , lest the consequences of waiting be too catastrophic to imagine , let alone bear .
On earth as in heaven , cleanliness is next to deadliness .
So start your rocket launchers , and hurl those phallic suppositories into space , before it ’ s too late for an enema .
And remember , the universe you entomb may be your own .
1 Jackie Wattles , “ Why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Happened During a Near-Collision in Space , ” CNN Business , October 16 , 2020 .
The Texas savant in a questioning mode is Prof. Moriba Jah , who is renowned for his work in the nascent field of ‘ space tracking.
’ 2 So named because of their resemblance to “ black holes , ” which lost their cluster when hawking them became a regular event , thus entropying their last horizons .
3 NASA has already done that , since the late 1990s .
The use of the term ‘ colonies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Imported smog will be expensive , especially on planets with no atmosphere and/or low escape velocities , but since the penalty for breathing will be quite stiff , that should not be a major obstacle to intergalactic hegemony .

The solution to the space debris problem is common sense, as presented here.
CNN reports that outer space is now so crowded with space debris from satellites, orbital missions and other equipment that a collision between two or more of such objects appears imminent.1 Such occurrences will eventually have earth-shaking consequences, unless we can prevent them from multiplying.
An aerospace engineer at University of Texas is urging the scientific community to take it seriously. It even has a name: deep space traffic. Traffic lanes are now so congested that accidents are bound to happen. If so, then obeying the law of gravity is destined to cause violations of it, the paradox making Isaac Newton an accessory prior to the fact. That calls for deep thought, worthy of a proud, powerful nation governed by a deep state.
Yet the solution to the deep space traffic problem requires nothing more than what Thomas Paine or even Sarah Palin would call common sense. So, in the name of science, I offer the following strategies to deal with this dilemma, before it “goes viral” and becomes a global health crisis.
Put a space cop in every orbital path, armed with lasers, trained to choke-hold astronauts, and authorized to issue $75 million citations for space-speeding, reckless docking, and no alternate side of the asteroid belt parking. Install traffic lights on the dark side of the moon. Convert large craters to speed traps. Instagram each and every traffic summons. Call a summit meeting of all the planets. To promote inclusiveness, invite Pluto. Explain the situation, and ask for their cooperation, so they can teach all their moons, rings, and stray comets not to cross the Milky Way by themselves, or to go out of the solar system at night. Get the public involved! Ask for more volunteers to clean up space litter on long equinox weekends. Place space trash (not to be confused with “sexual trash talking”) in the proper “black gold”2 receptacles, to be recycled as petroleum by-products back on earth. Last but not least, lobby Congress to give generous tax breaks to the top 1%, so they can reach the stars and control the flow of traffic, just as they do here. Use the freeway system in Los Angeles as a model for future space colonies3, making orbital gridlock routine, and reduce the level of astro-anomic distress. In time, no one will even notice all of the space debris, and the rainbow will be over, even in the faster than light lane. No clutter, just cremation.
That is the final solution to the human garbage problem. I offer it humbly, as a modest proposal for scientific inquiry and political policy-making, working to make us free. Do it now, without delay, lest the consequences of waiting be too catastrophic to imagine, let alone bear. On earth as in heaven, cleanliness is next to deadliness. So start your rocket launchers, and hurl those phallic suppositories into space, before it’s too late for an enema. And remember, the universe you entomb may be your own.
1 Jackie Wattles, “Why We Don’t Know What Exactly Happened During a Near-Collision in Space,” CNN Business, October 16, 2020. The Texas savant in a questioning mode is Prof. Moriba Jah, who is renowned for his work in the nascent field of ‘space tracking.’
2 So named because of their resemblance to “black holes,” which lost their cluster when hawking them became a regular event, thus entropying their last horizons.
3 NASA has already done that, since the late 1990s. The use of the term ‘colonies’ is no accident, either. Imported smog will be expensive, especially on planets with no atmosphere and/or low escape velocities, but since the penalty for breathing will be quite stiff, that should not be a major obstacle to intergalactic hegemony.


humortimes--2020-10-30--Prop 22 Helps Gig Giants Strip Health Care from Low-Wage Workers

It ’ s just an attempt by Uber , Lyft and other gig giants to keep low-wage workers down .
There ’ s a mournful Peggy Lee song that asks the existential question : “ Is that all there is ?
” Some progressives are asking that when looking at whether to vote this year — Biden or Trump… is that all there is ?
First , for me , that ’ s an easy choice if we want to have even a small chance of making any little-d democratic progress in the next decade or two .
Second , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there is .
Just scroll down the ballot in most voting districts and you ’ ll find a choice of solid progressive contenders in congressional , state legislative , city council , sheriff and school board races , and other races for grassroots offices , all of which offer tremendous potential for both big policy changes and for expanding America ’ s progressive movement .
But wait ; there ’ s more !
Scroll a bit lower and you ’ re likely to discover direct democracy allowing ordinary people — you and me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ laws , rather than hoping that legislators and lobbyists will do right by us .
These are “ ballot initiatives ” — policy ideas and procedural changes that are put directly to voters in a state , county or city .
Most are put on the ballot by groups that get enough voters to sign petitions demanding that a particular proposal be listed .
It ’ s not an easy process , but it has become a more common legislative tool , as shown by the number and variety of propositions on next @ @ @ @ @ @ @ statewide initiatives , voters in 32 states will be making their will known on a total of 120 ideas .
They include such solidly progressive actions as Arizona ’ s proposal to raise taxes slightly on the superrich to cover an overdue raise in pay for schoolteachers .
They also include such blatantly regressive schemes as California ’ s Prop 22 , the attempt by Uber , Lyft and other gig giants to strip health care from their low-wage workers .
Especially prominent in this year of pandemic disease , mass job losses @ @ @ @ @ @ @ start restoring worker rights and income .
These illustrate the importance of direct ballot lawmaking : When public officials and corporate hierarchies snub people ’ s needs or carelessly harm them , the initiative is a democratic path for asserting The People ’ s will .
If lawmakers don ’ t act , the people can !
Here are some big public policies people clearly want but lawmakers consistently ignore : Pay for family leave time ; restrict the power of Big Money in our elections ; stop rent gouging by greedy corporate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stop police abuses .
Now the good news : You don ’ t have to vote for Sen. Foghorn or Gov .
Blowhard in the futile hope that they ’ ll ever work to pass such progressive policies .
Rather , each of the above ideas is on the ballot next Tuesday in various states across the country — do-it-yourself democracy in action !
Of course , democracy can be messy , and bypassing the backroom chicanery of legislative bodies doesn ’ t necessarily bypass the insider power of Big Money .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to do their avaricious dirty work outside , allowing us commoners to glimpse their greed .
That ’ s certainly the case of a money-soaked mega-fight underway in California over Prop 22 .
Uber , Lyft and other multibillion-dollar behemoths have amassed their billions by claiming that their hundreds of thousands of workers are independent contractors , not employees .
Therefore , say the corporations , they don ’ t have to provide health care or comply with basic labor protections .
This year , though , a new California law rejected this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at last allowing employees to get the essential benefits due to them .
However , rather than do right by the people who do their work , a cabal of these giants has ponied up more than $ 200 million to try ramming through Prop 22 .
This self-serving corporate ballot measure openly asserts that they ’ re above the law , entitled to exploit their low-paid , no-benefit workforce ( and a study says 8 in 10 of gig workers are people of color ) .
If you wonder why our fabulously @ @ @ @ @ @ @ inequality , look no further than Prop 22 .
It ’ s such a piece of plutocratic nastiness that , to get their way , the handful of profiteers behind it are running the most expensive and one of the most underhanded PR campaigns in the history of ballot initiatives .
For more information , go to the Gig Workers Rising website .

It’s just an attempt by Uber, Lyft and other gig giants to keep low-wage workers down.
There’s a mournful Peggy Lee song that asks the existential question: “Is that all there is?” Some progressives are asking that when looking at whether to vote this year — Biden or Trump… is that all there is?
First, for me, that’s an easy choice if we want to have even a small chance of making any little-d democratic progress in the next decade or two. Second, no, that’s not all there is. Just scroll down the ballot in most voting districts and you’ll find a choice of solid progressive contenders in congressional, state legislative, city council, sheriff and school board races, and other races for grassroots offices, all of which offer tremendous potential for both big policy changes and for expanding America’s progressive movement.
But wait; there’s more! Scroll a bit lower and you’re likely to discover direct democracy allowing ordinary people — you and me — to make our own policies and laws, rather than hoping that legislators and lobbyists will do right by us. These are “ballot initiatives” — policy ideas and procedural changes that are put directly to voters in a state, county or city. Most are put on the ballot by groups that get enough voters to sign petitions demanding that a particular proposal be listed.
It’s not an easy process, but it has become a more common legislative tool, as shown by the number and variety of propositions on next Tuesday’s ballots. Just counting statewide initiatives, voters in 32 states will be making their will known on a total of 120 ideas. They include such solidly progressive actions as Arizona’s proposal to raise taxes slightly on the superrich to cover an overdue raise in pay for schoolteachers. They also include such blatantly regressive schemes as California’s Prop 22, the attempt by Uber, Lyft and other gig giants to strip health care from their low-wage workers.
Especially prominent in this year of pandemic disease, mass job losses and ever-spreading inequality are citizen initiatives to start restoring worker rights and income. These illustrate the importance of direct ballot lawmaking: When public officials and corporate hierarchies snub people’s needs or carelessly harm them, the initiative is a democratic path for asserting The People’s will. If lawmakers don’t act, the people can!
Here are some big public policies people clearly want but lawmakers consistently ignore: Pay for family leave time; restrict the power of Big Money in our elections; stop rent gouging by greedy corporate landlords; assert real public oversight to stop police abuses.
Now the good news: You don’t have to vote for Sen. Foghorn or Gov. Blowhard in the futile hope that they’ll ever work to pass such progressive policies. Rather, each of the above ideas is on the ballot next Tuesday in various states across the country — do-it-yourself democracy in action!
Of course, democracy can be messy, and bypassing the backroom chicanery of legislative bodies doesn’t necessarily bypass the insider power of Big Money. But at least ballot initiatives force moneyed interests to do their avaricious dirty work outside, allowing us commoners to glimpse their greed.
That’s certainly the case of a money-soaked mega-fight underway in California over Prop 22. Uber, Lyft and other multibillion-dollar behemoths have amassed their billions by claiming that their hundreds of thousands of workers are independent contractors, not employees. Therefore, say the corporations, they don’t have to provide health care or comply with basic labor protections.
This year, though, a new California law rejected this blatant corporate ruse by gig giants, at last allowing employees to get the essential benefits due to them. However, rather than do right by the people who do their work, a cabal of these giants has ponied up more than $200 million to try ramming through Prop 22. This self-serving corporate ballot measure openly asserts that they’re above the law, entitled to exploit their low-paid, no-benefit workforce (and a study says 8 in 10 of gig workers are people of color). If you wonder why our fabulously rich nation keeps sinking deeper into self-destructive inequality, look no further than Prop 22. It’s such a piece of plutocratic nastiness that, to get their way, the handful of profiteers behind it are running the most expensive and one of the most underhanded PR campaigns in the history of ballot initiatives.
For more information, go to the Gig Workers Rising website.


humortimes--2020-10-30--The First 10 Things I, Joe Biden, Will Do When I’m President!

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Don’t want to jinx the election – but I do have the next president’s first 10 things – to prove there is no doubt… Biden does want to Git-R-Done!
Besides fumigate, decontaminate, delouse & throw out all the Sharpies in the White House – here’s 10 more things I, Joe Biden will do when I get elected!
1. CLOSE ALL BORDERS – JOSE TRUMP THREATENED TO RUN!
2. COUNT THE SILVERWARE!
3. DUST OFF HIS BOOK!
4. WHILE I’M AT IT – DUST OFF WILBUR ROSS IN THE CORNER!
5. DONATE TRUMP’S CROWN, SCEPTER & TIARAS TO ENGLAND’S GOODWILL STORE!
6. CASH IN TRUMP’S GOLD TOILET TO PAY OFF HIS GOLF TRIPS, DIPPITY DO & THE NATIONAL DEBT!
7. TOSS OUT ALL TRUMP’S PROCLAMATIONS, EXECUTIVE & KFC ORDERS!
8. WISH PUTIN & KIM JONG UN A HAPPY BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR – BUT THAT’S IT!
9. PURSUE & PROSECUTE ALL TRUMP’S SEXUAL ASSAULT ALLEGATIONS TILL MY DYING DAY!
Marilyn Sands told me to say that!
And 10. “RUSSIA, IF YOU’RE LISTENING – OVER & OU…”!


humortimes--2020-10-30--How to Tell If You’ve Lost the Election

How to Tell If You’ve Lost the Election

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humortimes--2020-10-30--Santa’s Still Coming to Town

Santa’s Still Coming to Town

An interview with Kris Kringle himself , who assures us that Santa ’ s still coming to town , despite the pandemic and other hassles .
I always look forward to Christmas but given the pandemic I have been afraid that the holiday might have to be canceled this year .
So , to find out , I called the North Pole to ask Kris Kringle if he would still be coming to town to make his Christmas Eve deliveries , or would he have to shelter in place at the North Pole ?
Here ’ s how our conversation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you be delivering presents to all the good little girls and boys this December ?
I sure hope so , as you make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year .
Santa : I know people really enjoy the Yuletide but for me it ’ s become such a hassle .
Me : What do you mean ?
Santa : Well the number of kids around the world keeps growing and now the Federal Court for the Southern District of New York has ruled that I ’ m discriminating on the basis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be giving presents to children of all religions , not just Christians .
Under these circumstances a lot more toys will need to be made and delivered , yet I haven ’ t been able to hire many more workers .
It seems that elves just want to sit on the shelf and collect their stimulus checks .
It ’ s been harder and harder for my existing staff to keep up .
And the Christmas Eve sleigh ride is now fraught with increasing problems and dangers .
Me : Like what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I was charged with involuntary Grandma slaughter after a grandson and his grandfather claimed that Grandma was run over by one of my reindeer while walking home on Christmas Eve .
Fortunately , under cross examination they admitted that she had been drinking too much eggnog , so I was acquitted .
I was also charged with sexual assault after a boy claimed he saw his mom and me kissing under the mistletoe .
In his testimony the little pervert said , “ I did .
I really did see Mommy and Santa @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t prove that she wasn ’ t kissing the boy ’ s father or that the mom wasn ’ t the aggressor .
Truth be told , Mommy did kiss me .
When you ’ re famous they do that .
In both cases I had to retain legal counsel .
Finding lawyers who are not on the naughty list is not easy .
That I can tell you .
Last year I was also arrested several times for breaking and entering .
In every case I was able to talk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the interruptions put me way behind schedule .
And I can ’ t tell you the number of times I set off a house alarm .
Me : You make a lot of children happy though .
Santa : Yes , but it ’ s becoming more difficult to know what gifts are appropriate in today ’ s environment .
I know that hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots is the wish of Barney and Ben .
However , giving guns as presents has become an issue because the anti-gun organization , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I not give firearms to little boys ( or girls ) .
I also know that a doll that will talk and go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jan , but some feminists think that dolls are not politically correct gifts for girls these days .
By the way , I ’ ve also been hearing from a lot of Moms and Dads who tell me that they can hardly wait for in-person school to start again .
I know how they feel .
Unfortunately , I have no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ surprisingly , Americans want only toys made in the U.S.A. , but I see what Keebler is paying elves in its U.S. factories and I can ’ t afford to pay such uncommonly good wages .
Me : Do you still put coal in the stockings of the naughty kids ?
Santa : I have in the past , although with so many coal mines shutting down it ’ s difficult to find enough coal to fill the naughty kids ’ stockings .
Last year I only had enough for Donald Trump and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Miller and Kelly Ann Conway .
Me : Even though the trip is a hassle , you must be looking forward to all the milk and cookies .
Santa : Not really .
I must eat a million cookies every Christmas Eve and each one has an average of eight Weight Watcher ’ s points .
It is terrible for my diet .
I usually don ’ t dare to weigh-in before March .
And as far as the milk goes — I ’ m lactose intolerant .
What I could use is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ It ’ s cold outside in many parts of my route .
Me : I understand .
But we will have Christmas this year , right ?
Santa : Yes , the pandemic won ’ t stop that , I ’ m still coming to town .
Me : Will it be the same as past Christmases ?
Santa : I ’ m afraid not .
Instead of delivering toys , I have been working on a plan with the CDC to fill all stockings with Covid-19 vaccines , facemasks , and hand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but they will thank me later .
Of course , my deliveries will be curbside only this year .
Next year I plan to have all deliveries made by drones .
So , there you have it .
We will have Christmas this December as scheduled , however , instead of getting what you want Santa will be bringing you what you need .

An interview with Kris Kringle himself, who assures us that Santa’s still coming to town, despite the pandemic and other hassles.
I always look forward to Christmas but given the pandemic I have been afraid that the holiday might have to be canceled this year. So, to find out, I called the North Pole to ask Kris Kringle if he would still be coming to town to make his Christmas Eve deliveries, or would he have to shelter in place at the North Pole?
Here’s how our conversation went:
Me: Santa, will you be delivering presents to all the good little girls and boys this December? I sure hope so, as you make Christmas the most wonderful time of the year.
Santa: I know people really enjoy the Yuletide but for me it’s become such a hassle.
Me: What do you mean?
Santa: Well the number of kids around the world keeps growing and now the Federal Court for the Southern District of New York has ruled that I’m discriminating on the basis of religion. They say I need to be giving presents to children of all religions, not just Christians. Under these circumstances a lot more toys will need to be made and delivered, yet I haven’t been able to hire many more workers. It seems that elves just want to sit on the shelf and collect their stimulus checks. It’s been harder and harder for my existing staff to keep up.
And the Christmas Eve sleigh ride is now fraught with increasing problems and dangers.
Me: Like what?
Santa: Well, last year I was charged with involuntary Grandma slaughter after a grandson and his grandfather claimed that Grandma was run over by one of my reindeer while walking home on Christmas Eve. Fortunately, under cross examination they admitted that she had been drinking too much eggnog, so I was acquitted.
I was also charged with sexual assault after a boy claimed he saw his mom and me kissing under the mistletoe. In his testimony the little pervert said, “I did. I really did see Mommy and Santa Claus kissing.” However, the prosecution couldn’t prove that she wasn’t kissing the boy’s father or that the mom wasn’t the aggressor. Truth be told, Mommy did kiss me. When you’re famous they do that.
In both cases I had to retain legal counsel. Finding lawyers who are not on the naughty list is not easy. That I can tell you.
Last year I was also arrested several times for breaking and entering. In every case I was able to talk my way out of it, but the interruptions put me way behind schedule. And I can’t tell you the number of times I set off a house alarm.
Me: You make a lot of children happy though.
Santa: Yes, but it’s becoming more difficult to know what gifts are appropriate in today’s environment. I know that hopalong boots and a pistol that shoots is the wish of Barney and Ben. However, giving guns as presents has become an issue because the anti-gun organization, Moms Demand Action, is insisting that I not give firearms to little boys (or girls).
I also know that a doll that will talk and go for a walk is the hope of Janice and Jan, but some feminists think that dolls are not politically correct gifts for girls these days.
By the way, I’ve also been hearing from a lot of Moms and Dads who tell me that they can hardly wait for in-person school to start again. I know how they feel. Unfortunately, I have no control over that.
And, not surprisingly, Americans want only toys made in the U.S.A., but I see what Keebler is paying elves in its U.S. factories and I can’t afford to pay such uncommonly good wages.
Me: Do you still put coal in the stockings of the naughty kids?
Santa: I have in the past, although with so many coal mines shutting down it’s difficult to find enough coal to fill the naughty kids’ stockings. Last year I only had enough for Donald Trump and some of his senior advisors like Stephen Miller and Kelly Ann Conway.
Me: Even though the trip is a hassle, you must be looking forward to all the milk and cookies.
Santa: Not really. I must eat a million cookies every Christmas Eve and each one has an average of eight Weight Watcher’s points. It is terrible for my diet. I usually don’t dare to weigh-in before March. And as far as the milk goes — I’m lactose intolerant. What I could use is a cup of cheer because, Baby It’s cold outside in many parts of my route.
Me: I understand. But we will have Christmas this year, right?
Santa: Yes, the pandemic won’t stop that, I’m still coming to town.
Me: Will it be the same as past Christmases?
Santa: I’m afraid not. Instead of delivering toys, I have been working on a plan with the CDC to fill all stockings with Covid-19 vaccines, facemasks, and hand sanitizer. Kids may not like it, but they will thank me later. Of course, my deliveries will be curbside only this year. Next year I plan to have all deliveries made by drones.
So, there you have it. We will have Christmas this December as scheduled, however, instead of getting what you want Santa will be bringing you what you need.


humortimes--2020-10-30--Breaking: Trump Campaign Out of Money, Resorting to Online Auction

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
With less than a week to go and out of cash , the Trump campaign has announced that they will hold an online auction .
Trump ’ s online auction could hold some real bargains .
The following are some of the items people can bid on : Walk Like a D-List Model : First Lady , Melania Trump , will come to your home and demonstrate how to walk in four-inch heels .
( Open to all genders @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Art of the Steal : In the privacy of your own home ( with curtains and blinds drawn ) , Trump accountants will show you how to cheat on your taxes .
Slovenian Dinner : Melania will prepare , what she refers to as “ traditional shit-hole country dinner , ” consisting of goulash and fried goat cheese .
( Under the conditions of her pre-nup , FLOTUS is required to prepare the meal , not actually eat it . )
All the Right Moves : The President will teach you his classic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and grab .
Fantasy Island : Mike Pence will train you how to keep a straight face while you fantasize about having sex with baby goats on a grassy knoll in early spring , hypothetically speaking that is .
Sotto Voce : Ivanka Trump will demonstrate how to speak in a low sultry voice and fight one ’ s natural inclination to shriek with rage .
The Art of the Stockpile : Using the model he used during the pandemic , Jared Kushner will prove to kids , ages three to five @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a series of Power Point presentations , Kushner offers a compelling argument for why kids should keep all their toys to themselves .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
With less than a week to go and out of cash, the Trump campaign has announced that they will hold an online auction.
Trump’s online auction could hold some real bargains. The following are some of the items people can bid on:
Walk Like a D-List Model: First Lady, Melania Trump, will come to your home and demonstrate how to walk in four-inch heels. (Open to all genders, heels not included.)
The Art of the Steal: In the privacy of your own home (with curtains and blinds drawn), Trump accountants will show you how to cheat on your taxes.
Slovenian Dinner: Melania will prepare, what she refers to as “traditional shit-hole country dinner,” consisting of goulash and fried goat cheese. (Under the conditions of her pre-nup, FLOTUS is required to prepare the meal, not actually eat it.)
All the Right Moves: The President will teach you his classic pick-up technique: the stop, drop, and grab.
Fantasy Island: Mike Pence will train you how to keep a straight face while you fantasize about having sex with baby goats on a grassy knoll in early spring, hypothetically speaking that is.
Sotto Voce: Ivanka Trump will demonstrate how to speak in a low sultry voice and fight one’s natural inclination to shriek with rage.
The Art of the Stockpile: Using the model he used during the pandemic, Jared Kushner will prove to kids, ages three to five, that sharing is overrated. Through a series of Power Point presentations, Kushner offers a compelling argument for why kids should keep all their toys to themselves.


humortimes--2020-11-02--Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/2/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/2/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rudy gets COVIC-19 it ’ ll be because it looked like it was COVID-15 , but said it was COVID-21 !
Makes sense , if anyone ’ s ready to play in front of empty seats after the 7th inning , it ’ s the Dodgers .
Well done !
Donald Trump : Biden better take COVID-19 more seriously or he might get it and infect a bunch of people Trump does more projecting than an AMC multiplex… Man stunned by ‘ very rare ’ two-headed shark : ‘ We have never seen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Hollywood you can ’ t go two blocks without seeing a two-faced shark… No word if at the end he was shaken and didn ’ t stir .
Lesley Stahl gets security detail after receiving death threat following interview with Trump … and , likewise , for Diane Sawyer in the event they ’ re actually the same person .
Mike Pence ’ s office says he has no plans to quarantine because as VP he is an essential worker … making him the first one in American History… Only 12 people have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did so within three years 13 have moonwalked , if you count Michael Jackson .
Ivanka Trump declares she is ‘ unapologetically ’ ‘ Pro-Life ’ for the first time That really should be ‘ Pro 15 to Life ’ when it comes to her plea deal .
Sen. Perdue pulls out of final Georgia Senate debate with Jon Ossoff Professional tip : if your last name is Purdue don ’ t do something chicken .
… and a happy 18th to those butt implants .
Miles Taylor , ex-Homeland Security official , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ book under pen name ‘ Anonymous ’ If nobody ’ s ever heard of an ‘ Anonymous ’ source , is he still anonymous even after he reveals his own identity ?
Noah Cyrus wore a naked bodysuit at the CMT awards last night Damn , a whole family you wouldn ’ t recognize if they had clothes on .
Hundreds of Trump supporters waited hours in the cold for buses after an Omaha rally … lucky them , usually Trump throws his supporters under the bus…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Rudy Giulianni caught with ’15-year-old girl’ Borat actress in a hotel room
Sounds like If Rudy gets COVIC-19 it’ll be because it looked like it was COVID-15, but said it was COVID-21!
Dodgers win World Series
Makes sense, if anyone’s ready to play in front of empty seats after the 7th inning, it’s the Dodgers. Well done!
Donald Trump: Biden better take COVID-19 more seriously or he might get it and infect a bunch of people
Trump does more projecting than an AMC multiplex…
Man stunned by ‘very rare’ two-headed shark: ‘We have never seen anything like this before’
While in Hollywood you can’t go two blocks without seeing a two-faced shark…
RIP Sean Connery
No word if at the end he was shaken and didn’t stir.
Lesley Stahl gets security detail after receiving death threat following interview with Trump
… and, likewise, for Diane Sawyer in the event they’re actually the same person.
Mike Pence’s office says he has no plans to quarantine because as VP he is an essential worker
… making him the first one in American History…
Only 12 people have walked on the moon and they all did so within three years
13 have moonwalked, if you count Michael Jackson.
Ivanka Trump declares she is ‘unapologetically’ ‘Pro-Life’ for the first time
That really should be ‘Pro 15 to Life’ when it comes to her plea deal.
Sen. Perdue pulls out of final Georgia Senate debate with Jon Ossoff
Professional tip: if your last name is Purdue don’t do something chicken.
Happy 40rh birthday Kim Kardashian
… and a happy 18th to those butt implants.
Miles Taylor, ex-Homeland Security official, says he wrote scathing anti-Trump op-ed and book under pen name ‘Anonymous’
If nobody’s ever heard of an ‘Anonymous’ source, is he still anonymous even after he reveals his own identity?
Noah Cyrus wore a naked bodysuit at the CMT awards last night
Damn, a whole family you wouldn’t recognize if they had clothes on.
Hundreds of Trump supporters waited hours in the cold for buses after an Omaha rally
… lucky them, usually Trump throws his supporters under the bus…


humortimes--2020-11-02--Biden Voters Exhibit Bizarre Behavior to Cope with Election Anxiety

Reports from around the country indicate that supporters of Joe Biden are suffering from anxiety .
As the election nears , reports from around the country indicate that supporters of Joe Biden are suffering from election anxiety , regarding the possibility that Biden might lose , in spite of numerous polls that show Biden with a significant lead .
They are dealing with the stress by engaging in a wide variety of irrational coping behaviors .
One typical voter , Joe Topalosky of Pittsdale , PA , explains : “ I live in a swing state and it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ calls from all my friends from across the country asking me if I have voted .
Of course I have , I sent in my ballot two weeks ago .
Now I spend almost all my waking hours checking the polls , reading the news , watching CNN , and responding to Facebook trolls .
I even went out and got some rosary beads , and I ’ m not even Catholic.
” Myrna Plotz , of New Yonkers , NY , has another perspective : “ I don ’ t live in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s driving me crazy .
Sure , I ’ m voting for Biden , but I know my vote doesn ’ t really matter .
I look at the polls and see that Biden supposedly has about an 85 percent chance of winning .
What the heck is wrong with us that a fool like Trump has a 15 percent chance of winning ?
That ’ s like rolling a die and having it come up six .
That could easily happen .
I spend most of my time checking the news , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I stamp a letter B into all the cookies in the hopes that it creates good karma for Biden .
I know it ’ s nuts , but it gives me a sense of being in control.
” Herman Dobbins , of Tallawacky , FL , went to the extreme of making himself a calendar similar to an advent calendar , only it concludes on election day .
( see photo above ) Each of the 25 small doors on the calendar is illustrated with drawings of various failures and bad actors of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Every day I open one of the doors and get a treat .
No matter how bad the news is , at least I have something to look forward to .
The last door , for November 3 , has a drawing of Trump .
I stocked it with several liquor filled chocolates .
I have a feeling I ’ m going to need them.
” Other Biden voters are coping with their anxieties by purchasing voodoo dolls of Trump , carving pumpkins in the likeness of Trump and then dropping them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drumming circles with the goal of “ drumming Trump out of office.
” Trump supporters , on the other hand , are supremely confident , in spite of Trump ’ s standing in the polls .
Political scientist Molly Bolt of the University of Califlorida explains , “ Trump supporters don ’ t believe in normal sources of information such as professional pollsters and mainstream media .
They believe whatever Fox News , Trump , and similar dubious sources tell them .
Frankly , with voter suppression and a justice system that is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some basis for the belief that Trump may eke out a win in spite of what the polls say .
And that just adds to the anxiety of the other side.
” Calvin Hobson of Fogville , MN , summarizes that anxiety .
“ I believe that Trump worked some kind of mojo on Hillary Clinton in 2016 .
Could he do it again ?
You bet he could .
Does anyone know where I could find a good witch doctor ?
”

Reports from around the country indicate that supporters of Joe Biden are suffering from election anxiety .
As the election nears, reports from around the country indicate that supporters of Joe Biden are suffering from election anxiety, regarding the possibility that Biden might lose, in spite of numerous polls that show Biden with a significant lead. They are dealing with the stress by engaging in a wide variety of irrational coping behaviors. One typical voter, Joe Topalosky of Pittsdale, PA, explains:
“I live in a swing state and it’s driving me crazy. I have had calls from all my friends from across the country asking me if I have voted. Of course I have, I sent in my ballot two weeks ago. Now I spend almost all my waking hours checking the polls, reading the news, watching CNN, and responding to Facebook trolls. I even went out and got some rosary beads, and I’m not even Catholic.”
Myrna Plotz, of New Yonkers, NY, has another perspective:
“I don’t live in a swing state, and it’s driving me crazy. Sure, I’m voting for Biden, but I know my vote doesn’t really matter. I look at the polls and see that Biden supposedly has about an 85 percent chance of winning. What the heck is wrong with us that a fool like Trump has a 15 percent chance of winning? That’s like rolling a die and having it come up six. That could easily happen. I spend most of my time checking the news, baking cookies, and stress eating. I stamp a letter B into all the cookies in the hopes that it creates good karma for Biden. I know it’s nuts, but it gives me a sense of being in control.”
Herman Dobbins, of Tallawacky, FL, went to the extreme of making himself a calendar similar to an advent calendar, only it concludes on election day. (see photo above) Each of the 25 small doors on the calendar is illustrated with drawings of various failures and bad actors of the Trump administration. Dobbins explains, “Every day I open one of the doors and get a treat. No matter how bad the news is, at least I have something to look forward to. The last door, for November 3, has a drawing of Trump. I stocked it with several liquor filled chocolates. I have a feeling I’m going to need them.”
Other Biden voters are coping with their anxieties by purchasing voodoo dolls of Trump, carving pumpkins in the likeness of Trump and then dropping them off of rooftops, and joining ritualistic drumming circles with the goal of “drumming Trump out of office.”
Trump supporters, on the other hand, are supremely confident, in spite of Trump’s standing in the polls. Political scientist Molly Bolt of the University of Califlorida explains, “Trump supporters don’t believe in normal sources of information such as professional pollsters and mainstream media. They believe whatever Fox News, Trump, and similar dubious sources tell them. Frankly, with voter suppression and a justice system that is being manipulated by Trump, there is some basis for the belief that Trump may eke out a win in spite of what the polls say. And that just adds to the anxiety of the other side.”
Calvin Hobson of Fogville, MN, summarizes that anxiety. “I believe that Trump worked some kind of mojo on Hillary Clinton in 2016. Could he do it again? You bet he could. Does anyone know where I could find a good witch doctor?”


humortimes--2020-11-02--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Oleg Svenson, an Alaskan Fisherman

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews an Alaskan fisherman .
Watch episodes 1 and 2 of The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Maybe .
Today on the show my guest is my old neighbor Oleg Svenson , a commercial Alaskan fisherman from Wasilla .
Where are you ?
I hear wind on the line I ’ m on a fishin rig between Russia and Alaska .
We ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of told me .
I know a few women that could of helped you fellas out .
No .
I ’ m talkin Alaskan King crab .
That ’ s where the big bucks are .
It ’ s such dangerous work you do at sea .
I remember when my Uncle Elmer got caught up on a coil line and fell overboard .
A minute later a great white shark swallowed him whole .
My dad said he was always spoiled .
I hope the shark didn ’ t get sick .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ know .
So is you mind .
We ’ re careful , Jerry .
We have these 800 pound steel cages called crab pots where we catch these little critters .
They take herring bait at the top of the ramp and fall in the pot .
Always wondered .
Why do crabs walk up the ramp sideways to take the bait ?
Because they have nothin ’ to look forward to .
Ya know , we don ’ t just fish for crab .
We catch sockeye and king salmon .
Halibut @ @ @ @ @ @ @ salmon walked into a vegetarian restaurant .
The waiter said , “ Sorry , we don ’ t serve fish.
” The poor thing had to settle for a bean burger .
Hey , folks .
I read that 80 % of wild salmon comes from Alaska .
43 million were harvested last year .
That sounds fishy to me .
Is it true , Oleg ?
Ya .
These fish are so gullible .
They fall for things hook , line and sinker .
It must be rough being at sea and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a time .
Oh , ya .
But we entertain ourselves .
Play tug of war .
I always tell the guys if you fall overboard and look up at the boat , you ’ re probably drowning .
Oleg .
My late mother Maggie just stopped by .
She wants to ask you a few questions .
Oleg .
You ’ re out to sea or out to lunch .
One of the two .
What I can ’ t understand is why people get attacked by sharks .
Can they not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been doing stand up at For Heaven ’ s Sake Comedy Club .
I ’ m the opening act for The 3 Stooges .
Just the other day , Moe told me that I was a pretty smart ignoramus .
Do you know the best way to communicate with a fish ?
How did you know ?
Oleg .
I can barely hear you .
What ’ s going on ?
I think there ’ s a storm .
The waves are crashin over the boat .
Oh man , it ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she going to tip your boat over ?
Do you want me to call God ?
!
I have his cell phone number .
Hold on .
I think I can communicate with her .
I asked her if I gave her the crabs would she go away .
You idiot .
Tell her the Alaskan King crabs in you pot .
Now I know why his mother slapped the doctor when he was born .
It worked , Jerry .
You saved the day .
She swam yonder .
See what you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mind to it ?
Just remember , your mother always loves you .
Tomorrow everyone if I don ’ t go insane .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews an Alaskan fisherman.
Watch episodes 1 and 2 of The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Maybe. Today on the show my guest is my old neighbor Oleg Svenson, a commercial Alaskan fisherman from Wasilla.
JERRY
Good morning, Oleg.
OLEG SVENSON
Ahoy, Jerry.
JERRY
Where are you? I hear wind on the line
OLEG
I’m on a fishin rig between Russia and Alaska. We’re tryin to catch crabs.
JERRY
You should of told me. I know a few women that could of helped you fellas out.
OLEG
No. I’m talkin Alaskan King crab. That’s where the big bucks are.
JERRY
It’s such dangerous work you do at sea. I remember when my Uncle Elmer got caught up on a coil line and fell overboard. A minute later a great white shark swallowed him whole. My dad said he was always spoiled.
OLEG
I hope the shark didn’t get sick. They’re an endangered species ya know.
JERRY
So is you mind.
OLEG
We’re careful, Jerry. We have these 800 pound steel cages called crab pots where we catch these little critters. They take herring bait at the top of the ramp and fall in the pot.
JERRY
Always wondered. Why do crabs walk up the ramp sideways to take the bait?
OLEG
Because they have nothin’ to look forward to. Ya know, we don’t just fish for crab. We catch sockeye and king salmon. Halibut, too. The other day a salmon walked into a vegetarian restaurant. The waiter said, “Sorry, we don’t serve fish.” The poor thing had to settle for a bean burger.
JERRY
Hey, folks. I read that 80% of wild salmon comes from Alaska. 43 million were harvested last year. That sounds fishy to me. Is it true, Oleg?
OLEG
Ya. These fish are so gullible. They fall for things hook, line and sinker.
JERRY
It must be rough being at sea and away from your family for weeks at a time.
OLEG
Oh, ya. But we entertain ourselves. Play tug of war. I always tell the guys if you fall overboard and look up at the boat, you’re probably drowning.
JERRY
Oleg. My late mother Maggie just stopped by. She wants to ask you a few questions.
OLEG
Sure. Hi Maggie. How’s life treatin’ ya?
MAGGIE DUNCAN
I have no life. I’m dead, stupid.
OLEG
My condolences. I had a brain fart.
MAGGIE
Oleg. You’re out to sea or out to lunch. One of the two.
OLEG
You betcha.
MAGGIE
What I can’t understand is why people get attacked by sharks. Can they not hear the music?
OLEG
You’re funny. I get it, Jaws.. great white shark.
MAGGIE
I’ve been doing stand up at For Heaven’s Sake Comedy Club. I’m the opening act for The 3 Stooges. Just the other day, Moe told me that I was a pretty smart ignoramus.
OLEG
Do you know the best way to communicate with a fish?
MAGGIE
Drop it a line.
OLEG
How did you know?
MAGGIE
I wrote the joke.
JERRY
Oleg. I can barely hear you. What’s going on?
OLEG
I think there’s a storm. The waves are crashin over the boat. Oh man, it’s a giant female gray whale!
JERRY
Is she going to tip your boat over?
MAGGIE
Do you want me to call God?! I have his cell phone number.
OLEG
Hold on. I think I can communicate with her.
MAGGIE
What? You flunked English.
OLEG
I’m fluent in Blubber.
JERRY
Folks. I don’t know what’s happening.
OLEG
I’m back. She’s pissed.
JERRY
What happened?
OLEG
I asked her if I gave her the crabs would she go away.
JERRY
You idiot. Tell her the Alaskan King crabs in you pot.
OLEG
Good idea.
MAGGIE
Now I know why his mother slapped the doctor when he was born.
OLEG
It worked, Jerry. You saved the day. She swam yonder.
MAGGIE
See what you can do Jerry when you put your mind to it? Just remember, your mother always loves you.
JERRY
Tomorrow everyone if I don’t go insane.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-11-02--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Surrounding the Coroner

We ’ re not rounding the corner , we ’ re surrounding the coroner !
It ’ s always darkest @ @ @ @ @ — because he ’ s not very bright .
Jumping to conclusions is bad enough @ @ @ @ @ is downright dangerous !
Falsifiers burn their bridges in front of themselves .
Never put @ @ @ @ @ for someone you can ’ t take seriously .
Hate is based on ignorance , @ @ @ @ @ listens to reason .
The only way Republicans win lies in deception .
In politics @ @ @ @ @ lose , it ’ s how you place the blame .
Some people are so @ @ @ @ @ never have time to help anyone else .
I wish more politicians would run… AWAY @ @ @ @ @ special : Buy one kick in the nuts , get a second one free !
@ @ @ @ @ is blowing in the wind .
An open mind is like an open hand , @ @ @ @ @ like a tightly-clenched fist , clinging desperately onto nothing .

We’re not rounding the corner, we’re surrounding the coroner!
It’s always darkest before the “Don” — because he’s not very bright.
For Trump, reality is a know-no.
Jumping to conclusions is bad enough, but jumping to delusions is downright dangerous!
Trump is mentally ill-mannered.
Reckless, wreck more.
Falsifiers burn their bridges in front of themselves.
Never put your ass on the line for someone you can’t take seriously.
Hate is based on ignorance, which is why it never listens to reason.
Anti-mask protestors mind being controlled.
The only way Republicans win lies in deception.
Gridlock compromises democracy.
In politics, whether you win or lose, it’s how you place the blame.
Some people are so busy helping themselves that they never have time to help anyone else.
I wish more politicians would run… AWAY.
This week’s special: Buy one kick in the nuts, get a second one free!
What stinks? The answer is blowing in the wind.
An open mind is like an open hand, but a closed mind is like a tightly-clenched fist, clinging desperately onto nothing.
Make love your soul purpose.
There’s always time for evermore.


humortimes--2020-11-02--November 2020 Meme Caption Contest Winner

Here is the Humor Times November 2020 Meme Caption Contest Winner .
To enter the current contest , go to our Meme Caption Contest .
Please share the contest with your friends and acquaintances on Facebook and Twitter , etc , using the buttons on this page , and via email and by shouting about it from the rooftops .
Enjoy .
Thank you !
Brandy L , Jacksonville FL : “ Doc , I don ’ t think I can do this anymore.
” “ What ’ s that , Mr. President ?
” “ Continue my Netflix subscription @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my shows !
” These recent contests are a change of pace for our Caption Contest .
Usually , it ’ s a political cartoon , but these have been political memes , related to a new series called DC C.R.A.P .
( Donald Chump ’ s Contemporary Reality Absurdly Packaged ) .
The meme gallery is here on this website , and the creator , Regi Taylor , has a store here , which features great deals on his creations on t-shirts , mugs , etc .
In fact , they are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see the ad in the right-hand column !
The current Caption Contest is here .
Political cartoons can usually be found on the editorial page of many newspapers , although a few ( such as Garry Trudeau ‘ s Doonesbury ) are sometimes placed on the regular comic strip page .
Most cartoonists use visual metaphors and caricatures to address complicated political situations , and thus sum up a current event with a humorous or emotional picture .
In modern political cartooning , two styles have begun to emerge .
The traditional style @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sam , the Democratic donkey and the Republican elephant ; the more recent text-heavy style , seen in Doonesbury , tells a linear story , usually in comic strip format .
Regardless of style , editorial cartoons are a way for artists to express their thoughts about current events in a comical manner .
A political cartoon commonly draws on two unrelated events and brings them together incongruously for humorous effect .
The humor can reduce people ’ s political anger and so serves a useful purpose .
Such a cartoon also reflects @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deal is often done on unrelated proposals beyond public scrutiny .

Contest Winner!
Here is the Humor Times November 2020 Meme Caption Contest Winner. To enter the current contest, go to our Meme Caption Contest.
Please share the contest with your friends and acquaintances on Facebook and Twitter, etc, using the buttons on this page, and via email and by shouting about it from the rooftops. Enjoy. Thank you!
November 2020 Meme Caption Contest Winner:
Brandy L, Jacksonville FL: “Doc, I don’t think I can do this anymore.” “What’s that, Mr. President?” “Continue my Netflix subscription!! They canceled another one of my shows!”
These recent contests are a change of pace for our Caption Contest. Usually, it’s a political cartoon, but these have been political memes, related to a new series called DC C.R.A.P. (Donald Chump’s Contemporary Reality Absurdly Packaged). The meme gallery is here on this website, and the creator, Regi Taylor, has a store here, which features great deals on his creations on t-shirts, mugs, etc. In fact, they are having a big sale right now, see the ad in the right-hand column!
The current Caption Contest is here.
According to Wikipedia:
Political cartoons can usually be found on the editorial page of many newspapers, although a few (such as Garry Trudeau‘s Doonesbury) are sometimes placed on the regular comic strip page. Most cartoonists use visual metaphors and caricatures to address complicated political situations, and thus sum up a current event with a humorous or emotional picture.
In modern political cartooning, two styles have begun to emerge. The traditional style uses visual metaphors and symbols like Uncle Sam, the Democratic donkey and the Republican elephant; the more recent text-heavy style, seen in Doonesbury, tells a linear story, usually in comic strip format. Regardless of style, editorial cartoons are a way for artists to express their thoughts about current events in a comical manner.
A political cartoon commonly draws on two unrelated events and brings them together incongruously for humorous effect. The humor can reduce people’s political anger and so serves a useful purpose. Such a cartoon also reflects real life and politics, where a deal is often done on unrelated proposals beyond public scrutiny.


humortimes--2020-11-04--The Presidential Exit Interview

The Presidential Exit Interview

As a progressive employer , The United States of America likes to use that modern human resources tool : the exit interview .
Thank you , sir , for agreeing to meet with me for this exit interview .
No problem .
Sorry about the initial rude greeting and the weapons frisk .
You can ’ t be too careful these days .
First , just out of curiosity , why are there banks of sandbags next to each doorway ?
Just a standard precaution in case the enemy tries to get in .
OK , let ’ s get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you begin looking for another job and what led you to accept the new position ?
What the hell are you talking about ?
I ’ m not looking for a new job .
I ’ m just trying to hang on to the job I ’ ve got .
Did you feel that you were well equipped to do your job ?
I ’ m supremely equipped to do my job fantastically well .
As I ’ ve frequently noted , nobody ’ s ever done a better job than I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I am the chosen one .
How would you describe the culture of your employer ?
The culture is great ; it ’ s fantastic .
I said I would make America great again and , as you can see , it is and it ’ s going to be even greater so long as I ’ m here .
What could have been done to keep you employed here ?
What kind of ridiculous question is that ?
I am employed here by the American people as everyone can see from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ predicted , the election was a complete fraud , a total disaster .
I was clearly the preferred choice of the electorate and that ’ s why I ’ m staying on .
Did you share your concerns with anyone ?
Who didn ’ t I share my concerns with ?
I was screaming electoral fraud and unfairness from the rooftops for the last two years .
If you didn ’ t hear me , you weren ’ t listening .
Just ask Rudy Giuliani or Bill Barr .
If you could change @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it be ?
Where to begin ?
There are so many petty annoyances that get in the way of me doing great things for America .
Annoyances like the Constitution , the legal system and the Democrats .
But not to worry ; in the next four years , I ’ m planning to do away with all of those impediments .
Were you satisfied with the way you were managed ?
I didn ’ t come here to be managed ; I came here to rule and that ’ s exactly what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clowns like Rex Tillerson , John Kelly and Jim Mattis kept trying to control me but they were all naysayers and I need positive people around me .
Did you have clear goals and objectives ?
Again with the past tense .
I DO have clear goals as I already mentioned as in Make America Great Again and Fill the Trump Hotels .
What more do you need ?
I get a lot of feedback but , honestly , I can ’ t say any of it is constructive .
Jokers like Jeff @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t stop giving me feedback but you can see where they ended up .
They ’ re all losers .
What would you like to see in the way of improved training and development programs ?
Frankly , I ’ d love to see programs to train some of these idiots on how to be proper Cabinet members and how to show deference and respect to their great leader .
It ’ s not that hard ; just ask ass kissers like Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo .
Would you consider @ @ @ @ @ @ @ future ?
What kind of question is that ?
I ’ m here and I ’ ll be staying here for a long , long time .
Your questions are making me suspicious .
Are you with the failing New York Times or maybe Jeff Bezos ’ s fake newspaper the Washington Post ?
Pardon me , sir .
Thank you for this exit interview .
I ’ ve got to go .
I can hear gunfire in the hallway and Black Hawks are landing on the South Lawn .
Good luck .

As a progressive employer, The United States of America likes to use that modern human resources tool: the exit interview.
Thank you, sir, for agreeing to meet with me for this exit interview.
No problem. Sorry about the initial rude greeting and the weapons frisk. You can’t be too careful these days.
First, just out of curiosity, why are there banks of sandbags next to each doorway?
Just a standard precaution in case the enemy tries to get in.
OK, let’s get started. First question: Why did you begin looking for another job and what led you to accept the new position?
What the hell are you talking about? I’m not looking for a new job. I’m just trying to hang on to the job I’ve got.
Did you feel that you were well equipped to do your job?
I’m supremely equipped to do my job fantastically well. As I’ve frequently noted, nobody’s ever done a better job than I’m doing as president. In fact, I am the chosen one.
How would you describe the culture of your employer?
The culture is great; it’s fantastic. I said I would make America great again and, as you can see, it is and it’s going to be even greater so long as I’m here.
What could have been done to keep you employed here?
What kind of ridiculous question is that? I am employed here by the American people as everyone can see from the real election results. As I predicted, the election was a complete fraud, a total disaster. I was clearly the preferred choice of the electorate and that’s why I’m staying on.
Did you share your concerns with anyone?
Who didn’t I share my concerns with? I was screaming electoral fraud and unfairness from the rooftops for the last two years. If you didn’t hear me, you weren’t listening. Just ask Rudy Giuliani or Bill Barr.
If you could change anything about the job, what would it be?
Where to begin? There are so many petty annoyances that get in the way of me doing great things for America. Annoyances like the Constitution, the legal system and the Democrats. But not to worry; in the next four years, I’m planning to do away with all of those impediments.
Were you satisfied with the way you were managed?
I didn’t come here to be managed; I came here to rule and that’s exactly what I did. I know a few clowns like Rex Tillerson, John Kelly and Jim Mattis kept trying to control me but they were all naysayers and I need positive people around me.
Did you have clear goals and objectives?
Again with the past tense. I DO have clear goals as I already mentioned as in Make America Great Again and Fill the Trump Hotels. What more do you need?
Did you receive constructive feedback?
I get a lot of feedback but, honestly, I can’t say any of it is constructive. Jokers like Jeff Sessions, John Bolton and Steve Bannon couldn’t stop giving me feedback but you can see where they ended up. They’re all losers.
What would you like to see in the way of improved training and development programs?
Frankly, I’d love to see programs to train some of these idiots on how to be proper Cabinet members and how to show deference and respect to their great leader. It’s not that hard; just ask ass kissers like Mike Pence and Mike Pompeo.
Would you consider coming back to work here in the future?
What kind of question is that? I’m here and I’ll be staying here for a long, long time. Your questions are making me suspicious. Are you with the failing New York Times or maybe Jeff Bezos’s fake newspaper the Washington Post?
Pardon me, sir. Thank you for this exit interview. I’ve got to go. I can hear gunfire in the hallway and Black Hawks are landing on the South Lawn. Good luck.