Sabotaging Democracy

The GOP doesn ’ t have broad enough appeal to fairly produce an election majority , so it has resorted to sabotaging democracy .
Little-known fact : In more and more races , the GOP doesn ’ t have broad enough appeal to fairly produce an election majority , so it has resorted to sabotaging democracy — rigging the system so a minority prevails .
As far-right tactician Paul Weyrich once bluntly put it : “ I don ’ t want everybody to vote .
… Our leverage in the elections quite candidly goes up as the voting populace goes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s electioneering strategy is to shrink turnout by blocking its opponents ’ core supporters — particularly African Americans , Latinx people , Native Americans , union members and young people — from even entering polling places .
This scheme is more than voter suppression ; it ’ s straight-out election sabotage .
Leave it to sour Republican leader Mitch McConnell to flat-out deny the existence of that elephant in America ’ s voting space : “ There ’ s very little tangible evidence of this whole voter suppression nonsense that the Democrats are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Well , yeah — if , like Mitch , you squeeze your eyes shut real tight and plug your ears with corporate campaign cash , you ’ ll see , hear and speak no evil of the corrupt practices occurring right in front of us .
Otherwise , it ’ s easy to see how hyperpartisan Republicans have intensified their efforts to steal targeted peoples ’ right to vote : Over the past decade , half the states have erected hundreds of new barriers .
In a crass perversion of language , they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ integrity of the ballot , ” but — to re-aim McConnell ’ s dismissive word — that ’ s nonsense … and morally abominable .
To get his way in business , with women , etc.
, President Donald Trump has always been fiercely litigious , and now he ’ s counting on his legal fixers to rig the system for his reelection .
As of August , his campaign and the Republican Party had amassed a $ 20 million war chest for voting-related lawsuits , with many already filed in the battlegrounds @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Minnesota , Pennsylvania and Wisconsin .
In Florida , for example , they ’ ve sued to stop postage-paid return envelopes .
In Pennsylvania , they ’ ve sued all 67 counties to allow GOP-hired , out-of-county “ poll watchers ” who , it is feared , will castigate and challenge voters .
And they ’ ve sued California and Nevada to keep them from mailing ballots to all eligible voters .
Trump himself sees these courtroom efforts to restrict access to the polls as crucial .
He told Politico in June : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over .
And if we don ’ t win those lawsuits … I think it puts the election at risk.
” Funding this Republican legal attack on voters is a who ’ s who of billionaires , bankers , coal moguls and corporate barons including Johnson & Johnson heir Woody Johnson , money manager Charles Schwab and the Ricketts family of TD Ameritrade , Rolling Stone reported in July .
By suppressing our voting rights , these oligarchs hope to keep Trump & Co. lining their pockets .
Election officials need to periodically @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the names of people who ’ ve died or moved out of jurisdiction .
Recently , though , GOP governors , judges and election officials have turned this simple feather-dusting chore into a supersonic leaf-blower blasting masses of living , eligible voters out of the system .
They ’ re targeting precincts with lots of young , poor , immigrant and other Democrat-inclined constituents .
If these people , for whatever reason , miss several election cycles , they are no longer considered voters and can be purged from the rolls .
Another @ @ @ @ @ @ @ voter registration cards do not exactly match the spelling , address , etc .
on other state records .
Under these “ no match , no vote ” laws , a missing comma , middle initial or hyphen can cancel your voting rights .
In 2018 , less than a month before the midterm election , Georgia ’ s GOP secretary of state , Brian Kemp , used this exact-match pretense to place a hold on 53,000 voters , 80 % of whom were in minority groups .
By the way , Kemp @ @ @ @ @ @ @ governor against Democrat Stacey Abrams , and his “ winning ” margin closely matched the number of would-be voters he nullified .
Talk about sabotaging democracy !
Nationwide , states have removed 17 million Americans from voter rolls since the 2016 election , an unusually high number , with no accounting of how many were living , legitimate voters .

The GOP doesn’t have broad enough appeal to fairly produce an election majority, so it has resorted to sabotaging democracy.
Little-known fact: In more and more races, the GOP doesn’t have broad enough appeal to fairly produce an election majority, so it has resorted to sabotaging democracy — rigging the system so a minority prevails. As far-right tactician Paul Weyrich once bluntly put it: “I don’t want everybody to vote. … Our leverage in the elections quite candidly goes up as the voting populace goes down.” Thus, the right’s electioneering strategy is to shrink turnout by blocking its opponents’ core supporters — particularly African Americans, Latinx people, Native Americans, union members and young people — from even entering polling places. This scheme is more than voter suppression; it’s straight-out election sabotage.
Leave it to sour Republican leader Mitch McConnell to flat-out deny the existence of that elephant in America’s voting space: “There’s very little tangible evidence of this whole voter suppression nonsense that the Democrats are promoting,” he recently grumbled. Well, yeah — if, like Mitch, you squeeze your eyes shut real tight and plug your ears with corporate campaign cash, you’ll see, hear and speak no evil of the corrupt practices occurring right in front of us. Otherwise, it’s easy to see how hyperpartisan Republicans have intensified their efforts to steal targeted peoples’ right to vote: Over the past decade, half the states have erected hundreds of new barriers. In a crass perversion of language, they couch their theft as “protecting the integrity of the ballot,” but — to re-aim McConnell’s dismissive word — that’s nonsense … and morally abominable.
To get his way in business, with women, etc., President Donald Trump has always been fiercely litigious, and now he’s counting on his legal fixers to rig the system for his reelection. As of August, his campaign and the Republican Party had amassed a $20 million war chest for voting-related lawsuits, with many already filed in the battlegrounds of Colorado, Florida, Michigan, Minnesota, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin.
In Florida, for example, they’ve sued to stop postage-paid return envelopes. In Pennsylvania, they’ve sued all 67 counties to allow GOP-hired, out-of-county “poll watchers” who, it is feared, will castigate and challenge voters. And they’ve sued California and Nevada to keep them from mailing ballots to all eligible voters.
Trump himself sees these courtroom efforts to restrict access to the polls as crucial. He told Politico in June: “We have many lawsuits going all over. And if we don’t win those lawsuits … I think it puts the election at risk.” Funding this Republican legal attack on voters is a who’s who of billionaires, bankers, coal moguls and corporate barons including Johnson & Johnson heir Woody Johnson, money manager Charles Schwab and the Ricketts family of TD Ameritrade, Rolling Stone reported in July. By suppressing our voting rights, these oligarchs hope to keep Trump & Co. lining their pockets.
Election officials need to periodically tidy up their voting rolls by removing the names of people who’ve died or moved out of jurisdiction. Recently, though, GOP governors, judges and election officials have turned this simple feather-dusting chore into a supersonic leaf-blower blasting masses of living, eligible voters out of the system. They’re targeting precincts with lots of young, poor, immigrant and other Democrat-inclined constituents. If these people, for whatever reason, miss several election cycles, they are no longer considered voters and can be purged from the rolls.
Another insidious tactic is to eliminate people whose voter registration cards do not exactly match the spelling, address, etc. on other state records. Under these “no match, no vote” laws, a missing comma, middle initial or hyphen can cancel your voting rights. In 2018, less than a month before the midterm election, Georgia’s GOP secretary of state, Brian Kemp, used this exact-match pretense to place a hold on 53,000 voters, 80% of whom were in minority groups. By the way, Kemp was at the same time running for governor against Democrat Stacey Abrams, and his “winning” margin closely matched the number of would-be voters he nullified. Talk about sabotaging democracy!
Nationwide, states have removed 17 million Americans from voter rolls since the 2016 election, an unusually high number, with no accounting of how many were living, legitimate voters.


humortimes--2020-10-15--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Presidential Schmuck-Down

If only the president was as interested in suppressing the coronavirus as he is in suppressing the vote !
Don @ @ @ @ @ Russian spies are celling .
Trump wants to heel the country .
Like a dog @ @ @ @ @ your returns over , so we can see what lies beneath .
Just say “ @ @ @ @ @ Red herrings can only be washed away with a Blue Wave .
Limousine drivers have @ @ @ @ @ it .
What do men want from women ?
Go figure .
Evolution seems fishy @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t believe in free speech , shut the hell up !
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ world is crazy .

There’s no debate, it’s a presidential schmuck-down!
It’s a crime Trump’s deface of America.
If only the president was as interested in suppressing the coronavirus as he is in suppressing the vote!
Trump constitutes shun for the Constitution.
Don’t go buy what Russian spies are celling.
Trump wants to heel the country. Like a dog on a leash.
Turn your returns over, so we can see what lies beneath.
Make America Investigate Again!
Hopefully Trump faces an unbecoming future.
Just say “no” to thugs.
Fox news claims to defame.
Propaganda‘s a stereo-typist.
Red herrings can only be washed away with a Blue Wave.
Extreme mists are all wet.
Acquire your heavenly music in church.
Limousine drivers have miles and miles to chauffer it.
What do men want from women? Go figure.
Evolution seems fishy to me.
If you don’t believe in free speech, shut the hell up!
I’m just sane, the world is crazy.


humortimes--2020-10-16--Orange is the News Blackout: Halloween Greetings

People in positions of authority suggest Halloween greetings for Trick or Treaters .
With Halloween around the corner , it ’ s important for people who are in positions of authority to set the proper example , so that every child who goes trick or treating will be safe during the pandemic .
Adults should be protected , too .
Accordingly , we prepared a short list of Halloween greetings to deceive and deter public officials , as we now dread entering the holiday season .
This will make it easier to endure , if not transcend , the twilight @ @ @ @ @ @ @ toll .
The Reaper deserves his deadly due .
So open the door ‘ n let ’ em hear it .
( 1 ) Fr .
John J. Jenkins , President , University of Notre Dame : O Lord , Wear One for the Gipper .
( 2 ) Kayleigh McEnany , Press Secretary , White House , Washington , D.C. : Stay home , and read On the Rhodes .
( 4 ) Eric Trump , heir to the throne room : Discard your mask , having removed all doubt .
( @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : Be your best elf ; let ‘ em eat coats ; and give the country a rigging break .
( 6 ) Dr. Anthony Fauci , Director , NIAID : Say it ain ’ t so , Tony !
Say it ain ’ t so !
( 8 ) Judge Amy Coney Barrett , 7th Circuit Court of Appeals , Supreme Court nominee : Recuse yourself from the Church choir ; confine capitol punishment to Congress ; give the Haitian Revolution a chance .
( 9 ) Joe Biden , candidate for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for Gettysburg ; beg Kamala to wear her Bernie costume ; practice for virtual debate with self .
( 10 ) Vladimir Putin , President of Russia : No more tricks , or we ’ ll mistreat you !

People in positions of authority suggest Halloween greetings for Trick or Treaters.
With Halloween around the corner, it’s important for people who are in positions of authority to set the proper example, so that every child who goes trick or treating will be safe during the pandemic. Adults should be protected, too. Accordingly, we prepared a short list of Halloween greetings to deceive and deter public officials, as we now dread entering the holiday season. This will make it easier to endure, if not transcend, the twilight time spent waiting for the bell to toll. The Reaper deserves his deadly due. So open the door ‘n let ’em hear it.
(1) Fr. John J. Jenkins, President, University of Notre Dame:
O Lord, Wear One for the Gipper.
(2) Kayleigh McEnany, Press Secretary, White House, Washington, D.C.:
Stay home, and read On the Rhodes.
(3) Chris Wallace, Fox News Network:
Don’t turn over your father’s grave.
(4) Eric Trump, heir to the throne room:
Discard your mask, having removed all doubt.
(5) Melania Trump, aka FLOTUS:
Be your best elf; let ‘em eat coats; and give the country a rigging break.
(6) Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director, NIAID:
Say it ain’t so, Tony! Say it ain’t so!
(7) Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-SC:
Munch a cracker before each badtime; enlarge bribes, condemn multitudes; burn home movies, destroy negatives.
(8) Judge Amy Coney Barrett, 7th Circuit Court of Appeals, Supreme Court nominee:
Recuse yourself from the Church choir; confine capitol punishment to Congress; give the Haitian Revolution a chance.
(9) Joe Biden, candidate for U.S. President:
Find the right address for Gettysburg; beg Kamala to wear her Bernie costume; practice for virtual debate with self.
(10) Vladimir Putin, President of Russia:
No more tricks, or we’ll mistreat you!


humortimes--2020-10-16--Supreme Court Nominee Judge Amy Has ‘That Sex Talk’ with Her kids!

Learning about the Birds & the Bees is embarrassing enough , but here ’ s how the awkward sex talk went down in Judge Amy Coney Barrett ’ s busy shoe !
The real names of the kids in this ‘ sex talk ’ have been changed to protect… well , me !
ha ha You know why we ’ re having ‘ That Talk ’ today ?
I didn ’ t know about that – but , thank you Jimmy .
Susie , you know where babies come from ?
Did daddy tell you that ?
No , he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Magazines !
I know , I know !
When a man & a woman… Let me finish that… a bride & groom come back from Aruba & buy Law Books !
Why can ’ t we ever sing “ Roe , Roe , Roe your Boat ” around here ?
That would be a hypothetical question , next !
What if someone gets pregnant & they already have too many ?
Are we gon na have more brothers & sisters ?
Does the Pope love to Tango ?
That ’ s a rhetorical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ excused .
What do you do if some of your kids are bad ?
Don ’ t worry , Jimmy – I ’ ll get you your own panties .
What ’ s ‘ a hanging chad ’ you yelled out in the bedroom last night ?
Ask your damn father – he ’ s still on the couch !
Can I go to bed now ?
Not until you know everything about the birds & the bees !
I ’ m 3 years old – I can ’ t keep my eyes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be on the Supreme Court & it ’ s a lifetime job – so this may be the last time I ’ ll get to scare you about sex .

Learning about the Birds & the Bees is embarrassing enough, but here’s how the awkward sex talk went down in Judge Amy Coney Barrett’s busy shoe!
The real names of the kids in this ‘sex talk’ have been changed to protect… well, me! ha ha
JUDGE AMY CONEY BARRETT
You know why we’re having ‘That Talk’ today?
ALL
Do-we-have-to?
JIMMY
I won’t wear Mary’s panties again, I promise!
JUDGE AMY
I didn’t know about that – but, thank you Jimmy.
Susie, you know where babies come from?
SUSIE
The hospital.
JUDGE AMY
Did daddy tell you that?
SUSIE
No, he said the Stork read too many Playboy Magazines!
JOHNNY
I know, I know! When a man & a woman…
JUDGE AMY
Let me finish that… a bride & groom come back from Aruba & buy Law Books!
TIMMY
Why can’t we ever sing “Roe, Roe, Roe your Boat” around here?
JUDGE AMY
That would be a hypothetical question, next!
ALICE
What if someone gets pregnant & they already have too many?
JUDGE AMY
Keep counting!
RALPH
Are we gonna have more brothers & sisters?
JUDGE AMY
Does the Pope love to Tango?
MURRY
What is petting?
JUDGE AMY
That’s a rhetorical question & yes, you can be excused.
JIMMY
What do you do if some of your kids are bad?
JUDGE AMY
Don’t worry, Jimmy – I’ll get you your own panties.
TIMMY
What’s ‘a hanging chad’ you yelled out in the bedroom last night?
JUDGE AMY
Ask your damn father – he’s still on the couch!
BILLY
Can I go to bed now?
JUDGE AMY
Not until you know everything about the birds & the bees!
BILLY
I’m 3 years old – I can’t keep my eyes open!
JUDGE AMY
I’m going to be on the Supreme Court & it’s a lifetime job – so this may be the last time I’ll get to scare you about sex.
BILLY
Don’t worry, Mom – I’ll just watch Jimmy!


humortimes--2020-10-20--Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/20/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/20/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump wins he plans to stay on as Treasury secretary .
Adds that he will not stay on if asked by Biden Reminds me of Chris Rock saying “ that ’ s like me saying I ’ m boycotting Rihanna ’ s panties .
I wasn ’ t invited.
” Trump , Biden dueling town halls gave voters a different view of the candidates Could Biden be any more boring ?
I mean it , can he please be even more boring ?
I ’ m all in for that .
Jennie Garth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s claim she had a bad experience on ‘ Beverly Hills , 90210 ’ set … and then they went back to their shifts at Appleby ’ s .
So , it looks like those white supremacists in Michigan who wanted to kidnap the Governor are going from being Incels to being in cells !
‘ The Masked Singer ’ reveals the identity of Baby Alien… former QB Mark Sanchez The giveaway was when he dropped the mic and the Crocodile picked it off and ran it back for a touchdown .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ax to grind with Trump not paying his subscription… Huge python caught in the Everglades sets a new record So , that ’ s where John Cleese ’ s been .
US trade deficit rises 5.9 % to $ 67.1 billion in August , highest since August 2006 Lindsey Vonn ’ s butt and back look so toned in a new bikini Instagram photo … proving for Lindsey it ’ s not all downhill from here .
Mike Pompeo : Clinton emails could be released before election Looks like Pompeo didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clocks back to 2016 .
Kim Kardashian wore a bikini and sat inside a giant birthday cake to announce her latest makeup collection Shocking the hell out of people at Gelson ’ s bakery section… Perdue Chicken scrambles to clarify after Sen. Perdue mocks Harris ’ name at Trump rally Thinking Sen Perdue has anything to do with the chicken people is like thinking Sen. Rand Paul ’ s mom is the frozen fish sticks lady .
Meghan Markle on why she quit social media I ’ m guessing because her interactions could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and the Pea Brains .
’

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Mnuchin says if Trump wins he plans to stay on as Treasury secretary. Adds that he will not stay on if asked by Biden
Reminds me of Chris Rock saying “that’s like me saying I’m boycotting Rihanna’s panties. I wasn’t invited.”
Trump, Biden dueling town halls gave voters a different view of the candidates
Could Biden be any more boring? I mean it, can he please be even more boring? I’m all in for that.
Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling react to Jessica Alba’s claim she had a bad experience on ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’ set
… and then they went back to their shifts at Appleby’s.
13 charged in plot to kidnap Michigan Gov. Gretchen Whitmer
So, it looks like those white supremacists in Michigan who wanted to kidnap the Governor are going from being Incels to being in cells!
‘The Masked Singer’ reveals the identity of Baby Alien… former QB Mark Sanchez
The giveaway was when he dropped the mic and the Crocodile picked it off and ran it back for a touchdown.
Mar-a-Lago’s hometown newspaper endorsed Joe Biden
In fairness, they probably have an ax to grind with Trump not paying his subscription…
Huge python caught in the Everglades sets a new record
So, that’s where John Cleese’s been.
US trade deficit rises 5.9% to $67.1 billion in August, highest since August 2006
Shouldn’t that be ‘bigliest?’
Lindsey Vonn’s butt and back look so toned in a new bikini Instagram photo
… proving for Lindsey it’s not all downhill from here.
Mike Pompeo: Clinton emails could be released before election
Looks like Pompeo didn’t wait until Nov 1 and set his clocks back to 2016.
Kim Kardashian wore a bikini and sat inside a giant birthday cake to announce her latest makeup collection
Shocking the hell out of people at Gelson’s bakery section…
Perdue Chicken scrambles to clarify after Sen. Perdue mocks Harris’ name at Trump rally
Thinking Sen Perdue has anything to do with the chicken people is like thinking Sen. Rand Paul’s mom is the frozen fish sticks lady.
Meghan Markle on why she quit social media
I’m guessing because her interactions could best be described as ‘The Princess and the Pea Brains.’
Taliban endorses Trump
… remaining living members of Manson Family next…


humortimes--2020-10-20--October 2020 Meme Caption Contest Winner

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Contest Winner!
Here is the Humor Times October 2020 Meme Caption Contest Winner. To enter the current contest, go to our Meme Caption Contest.
Please share the contest with your friends and acquaintances on Facebook and Twitter, etc, using the buttons on this page, and via email and by shouting about it from the rooftops. Enjoy. Thank you!
October 2020 Meme Caption Contest Winner:
Lynette S, Bend OR: “We the people, are the rightful masters of both Congress and the courts, not to overthrow the Constitution, but to overthrow the men who pervert the Constitution.” – Abraham Lincoln
The current Caption Contest is here.
According to Wikipedia:
Political cartoons can usually be found on the editorial page of many newspapers, although a few (such as Garry Trudeau‘s Doonesbury) are sometimes placed on the regular comic strip page. Most cartoonists use visual metaphors and caricatures to address complicated political situations, and thus sum up a current event with a humorous or emotional picture.
In modern political cartooning, two styles have begun to emerge. The traditional style uses visual metaphors and symbols like Uncle Sam, the Democratic donkey and the Republican elephant; the more recent text-heavy style, seen in Doonesbury, tells a linear story, usually in comic strip format. Regardless of style, editorial cartoons are a way for artists to express their thoughts about current events in a comical manner.
A political cartoon commonly draws on two unrelated events and brings them together incongruously for humorous effect. The humor can reduce people’s political anger and so serves a useful purpose. Such a cartoon also reflects real life and politics, where a deal is often done on unrelated proposals beyond public scrutiny.


humortimes--2020-10-23--What Was in Andrew Cuomo’s New York Care Package to Trump?

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humortimes--2020-10-23--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Jerry’s Best Friends, Buddy and Gordon

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his best friends , Gordon Rube and Buddy Light .
Ed .
Note : Announcing an all new The Jerry Duncan Show series on You Tube !
The first four episodes will air in late October and feature Broadway and TV stars in the cast .
Spread the word on your social media and link to The Jerry Duncan Show page .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the show my guests are my two best friends from Alaska , Gordon Rube and Buddy Light .
It ’ s noisy .
Where are you guys ?
We ’ re on our way to New York City .
Checkin out the babes at the beaches along the shore .
Call me Uber , cuz I ’ m there to pick them up .
The TSA official gave me a hard time , Jerry .
She told me that she needed to do a cavity search .
I refused .
I was just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I told the lady that Gordon has a learning disability .
She said he only qualifies if his IQ is below 70 .
Thank the Lord he asked the right question .
I said , “ Is that Celsius or Fahrenheit ?
” TSA passed us through .
No problemo .
Jerry .
I ’ m madly in love with the Statue of Liberty .
The lady has been single too long .
Do you know why the Statue of Liberty stands in New York harbor ?
Because she can ’ t sit @ @ @ @ @ @ @ learned that in grade school .
What do you guys think of the presidential debates ?
Really ?
Joe Biden has forgotten more about governing than Donald Trump ever learned .
I ’ m going with Joe Biden .
At least he sleeps with a professor , not a mail order bride .
I ’ m embarrassed to tell you guys .
When I was a college freshman , my English professor accused me of plagiarism .
His words , not mine .
Is that why you were expelled ?
Nah .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It sucked .
All I wanted was a higher education .
Jerry .
Do you remember when I was stoned and drove my car across your old man ’ s lawn ?
Your mom was so angry she grabbed a rifle and shot out my back tires .
Yeah .
My parents thought you were a moron .
And he proved it .
Not really .
My mom was always yelling at me .
She broke the sound barrier .
Glaciers cracked .
Polar bears fled south .
All because we did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it up , but we board in 15 minutes .
How bout a Little Johnny joke ?
Little Johnny ’ s preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station .
The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class , “ Does anyone know what this is ?
” Little Johnny ’ s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him .
Little Johnny replied , “ That ’ s how mommy knows supper is ready.
” Gordon .
What ’ s simultaneously up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Gordon on a plane .
Sign off for me , fellas .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his best friends, Gordon Rube and Buddy Light.
Ed. Note: Announcing an all new The Jerry Duncan Show series on You Tube! The first four episodes will air in late October and feature Broadway and TV stars in the cast. Spread the word on your social media and link to The Jerry Duncan Show page.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are my two best friends from Alaska, Gordon Rube and Buddy Light.
GORDON RUBE
Hi Jerry.
BUDDY LIGHT
Hey, Dunkin Donuts.
JERRY
It’s noisy. Where are you guys?
BUDDY
At Fairbanks International Airport.
GORDON
We’re on our way to New York City. Checkin out the babes at the beaches along the shore.
BUDDY
Call me Uber, cuz I’m there to pick them up.
GORDON
The TSA official gave me a hard time, Jerry. She told me that she needed to do a cavity search. I refused.
JERRY
What’s wrong with that?
GORDON
I was just at the dentist. No cavities.
BUDDY
I told the lady that Gordon has a learning disability. She said he only qualifies if his IQ is below 70. Thank the Lord he asked the right question.
GORDON
I said, “Is that Celsius or Fahrenheit?”
BUDDY
TSA passed us through. No problemo.
BUDDY
Jerry. I’m madly in love with the Statue of Liberty. The lady has been single too long.
JERRY
Do you know why the Statue of Liberty stands in New York harbor?
BUDDY
No.
JERRY
Because she can’t sit down.
GORDON
Hemorrhoids. Right? We learned that in grade school.
JERRY
What do you guys think of the presidential debates?
BUDDY
Kanye’s gonna lose.
JERRY
Budster. Kanye doesn’t qualify. It’s Trump and Biden.
GORDON
Really? Joe Biden has forgotten more about governing than Donald Trump ever learned.
JERRY
I’m going with Joe Biden. At least he sleeps with a professor, not a mail order bride.
BUDDY
I’m embarrassed to tell you guys. When I was a college freshman, my English professor accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.
GORDON
Is that why you were expelled?
BUDDY
Nah. I was expelled for smoking weed in class. It sucked. All I wanted was a higher education.
GORDON
Jerry. Do you remember when I was stoned and drove my car across your old man’s lawn? Your mom was so angry she grabbed a rifle and shot out my back tires.
JERRY
Yeah. My parents thought you were a moron.
BUDDY
And he proved it.
GORDON
Those were fun times.
JERRY
Not really. My mom was always yelling at me. She broke the sound barrier. Glaciers cracked. Polar bears fled south. All because we did dumb things.
BUDDY
I hate to break it up, but we board in 15 minutes. How bout a Little Johnny joke?
JERRY
Okay.
JERRY
Little Johnny’s preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class, “Does anyone know what this is?” Little Johnny’s hand shot up and the firefighter called on him. Little Johnny replied, “That’s how mommy knows supper is ready.”
GORDON AND BUDDY
Hee hee hee. Funny, Jerry.
BUDDY
Gordon. What’s simultaneously up and down?
GORDON
Dunno.
BUDDY
A retard like you Gordon on a plane.
JERRY
Sign off for me, fellas.
GORDON AND BUDDY
See you tomorrow.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-10-22--White House Doctors Distraught Over Flurry of Coherent Tweets

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
A series of coherent tweets from the president raises alarms .
Dr. Sean Conley and his staff at Walter Reed Medical Center expressed deep concern today that the coronavirus had affected the president ’ s neurological functions .
This after he posted a series of coherent tweets and exhibited other oddly sane behaviors .
“ When we see someone who is normally disoriented and aggressive suddenly making sense , well , that ’ s a red flag , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Now that President Trump ’ s respiratory issues have improved , we can begin to assess the virus ’ long lasting effects.
” The first lady confirmed Dr. Conley ’ s suspicions by describing some of her husband ’ s more recent behavior , like ordering a salad , exhibiting a sense of humor , and referring to Barron by name , rather than “ that boy.
” The doctors were first alerted to the issue by an anonymous call from Mar-a-Lago .
The source said he ’ s played hundreds of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ This last time , he put in his actual score .
It was shocking .
We ’ re all very alarmed , ” the source said .
In addition , White House staff alerted security after they entered the president ’ s bedroom today .
One housekeeper , who refused to give her name for fear of losing her job , said , “ The bed was made , his bathrobe hung up , and all his G.I .
Joes were neatly lined up on the shelf .
Honestly , we thought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ finally located President Trump in the oval office .
“ He was reading his daily briefs .
That ’ s when we knew something was very wrong , ” the official said .
Doctor Conley refused to comment any further , only to say that an MRI of the president ’ s brain would be performed immediately .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
A series of coherent tweets from the president raises alarms.
Dr. Sean Conley and his staff at Walter Reed Medical Center expressed deep concern today that the coronavirus had affected the president’s neurological functions. This after he posted a series of coherent tweets and exhibited other oddly sane behaviors.
“When we see someone who is normally disoriented and aggressive suddenly making sense, well, that’s a red flag,” Dr. Conley stated. He continued, “Now that President Trump’s respiratory issues have improved, we can begin to assess the virus’ long lasting effects.”
The first lady confirmed Dr. Conley’s suspicions by describing some of her husband’s more recent behavior, like ordering a salad, exhibiting a sense of humor, and referring to Barron by name, rather than “that boy.”
The doctors were first alerted to the issue by an anonymous call from Mar-a-Lago. The source said he’s played hundreds of rounds of golf with the president. “This last time, he put in his actual score. It was shocking. We’re all very alarmed,” the source said.
In addition, White House staff alerted security after they entered the president’s bedroom today. One housekeeper, who refused to give her name for fear of losing her job, said, “The bed was made, his bathrobe hung up, and all his G.I. Joes were neatly lined up on the shelf. Honestly, we thought someone had broken in.”
Secret Service finally located President Trump in the oval office. “He was reading his daily briefs. That’s when we knew something was very wrong,” the official said.
Doctor Conley refused to comment any further, only to say that an MRI of the president’s brain would be performed immediately.


humortimes--2020-10-22--Here’s Hoping for a Good Outcome, America!

Editorial on our hopes for a good outcome to the election , from the November issue of the Humor Times , printed on 11/22/20 .
We went to press before Election Day .
We fervently hope – for the sake of democracy itself , not only here , but around the world – that voters did the right thing , and that election results were honored , and not hijacked by an increasingly out-of-control , authoritarian-leaning Republican Party .
Here ’ s hoping for the only good outcome possible !
As the New York Times stated in this short excerpt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 16 , 2020 .
Mr. Trump stands without any real rivals as the worst American president in modern history .
In 2016 , his bitter account of the nation ’ s ailments struck a chord with many voters .
But the lesson of the last four years is that he can not solve the nation ’ s pressing problems because he is the nation ’ s most pressing problem .
He is a racist demagogue presiding over an increasingly diverse country ; an isolationist in an interconnected world ; a showman forever boasting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and promising to do things he never will .
He has shown no aptitude for building , but he has managed to do a great deal of damage .
If justice has been done , and the wannabee dictator is ousted , it will be a great day – but only a start .
We will have a lot of work to do .
Not only must our democratic institutions be repaired and strengthened , but Congress ( hopefully with the Senate wrested from the control of the utterly corrupt Republican Party ) @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump plowed through without a second thought .
It must not only restrain the ability of a rogue executive , but of the Supreme Court , which has grown much more powerful than our founders ever intended , and which has been packed by Republicans with hard-right judges who are totally out of step with the citizenry .
Term limits should be set for the Court , along with other common sense reforms , such as these .
P.S .
As always , we remind you that we need your support !
As @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ re facing a tough battle to survive .
Please consider giving subscriptions , donating and/or becoming an ongoing patron at Patreon .
Thank you so much !

Editorial on our hopes for a good outcome to the election, from the November issue of the Humor Times, printed on 11/22/20.
We went to press before Election Day. We fervently hope – for the sake of democracy itself, not only here, but around the world – that voters did the right thing, and that election results were honored, and not hijacked by an increasingly out-of-control, authoritarian-leaning Republican Party. Here’s hoping for the only good outcome possible!
As the New York Times stated in this short excerpt from a stunning editorial section on October 16, 2020.
Mr. Trump stands without any real rivals as the worst American president in modern history. In 2016, his bitter account of the nation’s ailments struck a chord with many voters. But the lesson of the last four years is that he cannot solve the nation’s pressing problems because he is the nation’s most pressing problem. He is a racist demagogue presiding over an increasingly diverse country; an isolationist in an interconnected world; a showman forever boasting about things he has never done, and promising to do things he never will. He has shown no aptitude for building, but he has managed to do a great deal of damage.
If justice has been done, and the wannabee dictator is ousted, it will be a great day – but only a start. We will have a lot of work to do.
Not only must our democratic institutions be repaired and strengthened, but Congress (hopefully with the Senate wrested from the control of the utterly corrupt Republican Party) must pass laws codifying the centuries-old norms Trump plowed through without a second thought. It must not only restrain the ability of a rogue executive, but of the Supreme Court, which has grown much more powerful than our founders ever intended, and which has been packed by Republicans with hard-right judges who are totally out of step with the citizenry. Term limits should be set for the Court, along with other common sense reforms, such as these.
P.S. As always, we remind you that we need your support! As a small publication in a bad economy, we’re facing a tough battle to survive. Please consider giving subscriptions, donating and/or becoming an ongoing patron at Patreon. Thank you so much!


Last-Minute Trump Endorsements

Some surprising last-minute Trump endorsements have come through .
The polls show Joe Biden leading in the presidential race but here are some surprising last-minute Trump endorsements .
I typically don ’ t get involved in U. S. presidential politics as it seldom pays big dividends for me .
I ’ m more inclined to do what I can to stir things up elsewhere such as I did in Nazi Germany or the former Soviet Union .
But I have to admit that this Donald Trump guy has really caught my eye .
I didn ’ t think I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ S. election but there he is : a completely immoral , racist , lying bully .
In short , just my kind of guy .
I think I might even register this time and take his suggestion to vote by mail in person .
No , I ’ m not related to the late , great dictator Pol Pot but I was named after him and have always felt an affinity for his scorched earth , genocidal goals .
Recently , I ’ ve seen inklings of that philosophy in Donald Trump .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ think with a little help from folks like me , he could nurture and develop his autocratic impulses and take that important next step toward genocide .
Be they red , black , yellow or brown , I think Mr. Trump has the “ white stuff ” to beat back the non-Aryan threat .
For decades , I ’ ve downplayed my relationship to der Führer as I just happen to be his great nephew .
People didn ’ t seem to take to Great Uncle Adolph so I just kept my mouth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But surprise , surprise , in the recent presidential debate , I think I found my soulmate : one Donald J. Trump .
I love the way he trashes socialists and gives a big thumbs up to groups like the Proud Boys .
I finally feel like I can come out of the neo-Nazi closet and be my true self .
Make America Racist Again .
I ’ ve always been afraid to get my hopes up too much when it comes to dreaming of a new theocratic utopia .
But recent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strongly in support of President Trump .
It looks like he ’ s got all the evangelicals on his side and now has nominated a true American handmaid to sit on the U. S. Supreme Court .
Many seem to view the novel The Handmaid ’ s Tale as a cautionary fable but I see it more as a utopian blueprint .
Here ’ s hoping Donald Trump can follow that blueprint all the way to the Promised Land .
No , I did not castrate my father and no , I did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have me confused with my mythological namesake Kronos .
But yes , I do admire strong men born of strong fathers who in turn sire strong children .
That ’ s why I support not just Donald Trump but the entire Trump family , even Eric .
I can only hope that my son Zeus will one day be as successful a leader as Mr. Trump .
I ’ m not that V. V. Putin although we do have a lot in common including a hometown with the same name and a desire @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Russia ’ s Putin heads a large armed force and I lead a local militia here in Idaho .
In large part , that ’ s why I ’ ve come to support Donald Trump .
Not only is he a big fan of the Second Amendment , he knows that our country must defeat the radical socialists , those people who support things like Medicare and Social Security .
Like Trump , we here in Idaho believe that the government that governs not at all governs best .

Some surprising last-minute Trump endorsements have come through.
The polls show Joe Biden leading in the presidential race but here are some surprising last-minute Trump endorsements.
B. L. Zebub – Hades Creek, Washington
I typically don’t get involved in U. S. presidential politics as it seldom pays big dividends for me. I’m more inclined to do what I can to stir things up elsewhere such as I did in Nazi Germany or the former Soviet Union. But I have to admit that this Donald Trump guy has really caught my eye. I didn’t think I’d find his type in a U. S. election but there he is: a completely immoral, racist, lying bully. In short, just my kind of guy. I think I might even register this time and take his suggestion to vote by mail and in person.
Bud Pot – Genocide, Mississippi
No, I’m not related to the late, great dictator Pol Pot but I was named after him and have always felt an affinity for his scorched earth, genocidal goals. Recently, I’ve seen inklings of that philosophy in Donald Trump. His racist views show promise and I think with a little help from folks like me, he could nurture and develop his autocratic impulses and take that important next step toward genocide. Be they red, black, yellow or brown, I think Mr. Trump has the “white stuff” to beat back the non-Aryan threat.
A. Hitler – Swastika, Indiana
For decades, I’ve downplayed my relationship to der Führer as I just happen to be his great nephew. People didn’t seem to take to Great Uncle Adolph so I just kept my mouth shut and kept my views to myself. But surprise, surprise, in the recent presidential debate, I think I found my soulmate: one Donald J. Trump. I love the way he trashes socialists and gives a big thumbs up to groups like the Proud Boys. I finally feel like I can come out of the neo-Nazi closet and be my true self. Make America Racist Again.
Commander Fred – Gilead, Kentucky
I’ve always been afraid to get my hopes up too much when it comes to dreaming of a new theocratic utopia. But recent events have convinced me to come out strongly in support of President Trump. It looks like he’s got all the evangelicals on his side and now has nominated a true American handmaid to sit on the U. S. Supreme Court. Many seem to view the novel The Handmaid’s Tale as a cautionary fable but I see it more as a utopian blueprint. Here’s hoping Donald Trump can follow that blueprint all the way to the Promised Land.
Bob Cronos – Jupiter, Florida
No, I did not castrate my father and no, I did not eat my children. You must have me confused with my mythological namesake Kronos. But yes, I do admire strong men born of strong fathers who in turn sire strong children. That’s why I support not just Donald Trump but the entire Trump family, even Eric. I can only hope that my son Zeus will one day be as successful a leader as Mr. Trump.
V. V. Putin – Moscow, Idaho
I’m not that V. V. Putin although we do have a lot in common including a hometown with the same name and a desire to help Donald Trump. Plus, Russia’s Putin heads a large armed force and I lead a local militia here in Idaho. In large part, that’s why I’ve come to support Donald Trump. Not only is he a big fan of the Second Amendment, he knows that our country must defeat the radical socialists, those people who support things like Medicare and Social Security. Like Trump, we here in Idaho believe that the government that governs not at all governs best.


humortimes--2020-10-23--Trump’s “Jeers of a Clown”

Trump’s “Jeers of a Clown”

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
“ Jeers of a Clown ” record album to be released this week .
In what seems to be a desperate attempt to revive his rapidly waning poll numbers , Donald Trump today announced the upcoming release of his first official presidential record album , “ Jeers of a Clown.
” “ I love listening to the sound of my own voice , ” he explained , “ Especially in stereo , with the volume turned all the way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you can ’ t even begin to imagine it , but believe me , it ’ s the most wonderful thing you ’ ve ever heard .
Which is why I decided to record an album of all of my greatest bad-boy presidential hits .
I won ’ t say it ’ s the most tremendous album ever produced , but it probably is !
” The two-disc set contains two dozen of the president ’ s favorite song-and-dance numbers from the past four years of his International Preda-Tour : Mad Loon Rising @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Free World Comfortably Numbskull I Only Have Eyes For Me Don ’ t Worry , Be Sappy Blunder Road Reign of Fools Runaround and Sue Somebody to Shove For Everything Turn , Turn , Turn ( To Trump Merchandise ! )
Born to Ruin Scorn in the USA You Put a Smell on Me ( Because You ’ re Mueller ) Light My Falsifier I Bought the Law Unchained Felony My Degeneration Tangled Up in Blue States Running on Empty ( Promises ) He ’ s Not Heavy , He ’ s My @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I Conspiracy For Miles All I Have to Do is Scream “ All good , loyal , patriotic Americans should run out and buy this unbelievably incredible record of mine , ” the president concluded , “ Feel free to sing along , and if you don ’ t know the words just say ‘ Yeah , yeah , yeah ! '
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
“Jeers of a Clown” record album to be released this week.
In what seems to be a desperate attempt to revive his rapidly waning poll numbers, Donald Trump today announced the upcoming release of his first official presidential record album, “Jeers of a Clown.”
“I love listening to the sound of my own voice,” he explained, “Especially in stereo, with the volume turned all the way up! It’s so beautiful you can’t even begin to imagine it, but believe me, it’s the most wonderful thing you’ve ever heard. Which is why I decided to record an album of all of my greatest bad-boy presidential hits. I won’t say it’s the most tremendous album ever produced, but it probably is!”
The two-disc set contains two dozen of the president’s favorite song-and-dance numbers from the past four years of his International Preda-Tour:
Disc One, Side One
Mad Loon Rising
Jeers of a Clown
Mocking in the Free World
Comfortably Numbskull
I Only Have Eyes For Me
Don’t Worry, Be Sappy
Disc One, Side Two
Blunder Road
Reign of Fools
Runaround and Sue
Somebody to Shove
For Everything Turn, Turn, Turn (To Trump Merchandise!)
Born to Ruin
Disc Two, Side One
Scorn in the USA
You Put a Smell on Me (Because You’re Mueller)
Light My Falsifier
I Bought the Law
Unchained Felony
My Degeneration
Disc Two, Side Two
Tangled Up in Blue States
Running on Empty (Promises)
He’s Not Heavy, He’s My Donor
Whole Lotta Fakin’ Going On
I Conspiracy For Miles
All I Have to Do is Scream
“All good, loyal, patriotic Americans should run out and buy this unbelievably incredible record of mine,” the president concluded, “Feel free to sing along, and if you don’t know the words just say ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah!'”


humortimes--2020-10-23--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: T-P For Bungholes!

Trump-Pence 2020 is T-P for bungholes!
Trump wants to fix everything. Starting with the election.
It’s people like him that give people like him a bad name.
Tea Party politicians seek lunatic fringe benefits.
Trump knows a great scam when he seize it.
Radical lies with Fox news.
Never trust a truthless smile.
The Trump lie-brary adds volumes every day.
Only one verdict per jury.
Infractions speak louder than words.
For most, Trump is unfit.
Voters shouldn’t gamble with political “odds” that are so obviously crooked.
I bid one no-Trump.
People who don’t vote are a vacant lot.
Dump Trump, dispense with Pence, and abort Manafort.
Quell the sequel!
Kim Jong-Un has made a Korea of duping ignorant fools.
Nothing people believe is unreal.
Life wheely is a circle.
Ax of love cut down on hate.


humortimes--2020-10-23--New Play Sure to Storm Broadway: ‘Harrison’

This play about the short-lived presidency of William Henry Harrison is expected to be as big as “Hamilton.”
The complete script for the new play that’s soon to make Broadway history: the story of William Henry Harrison, the month-long ninth president of the United States. A story of yesterday and today.
Dramatis personae:
William Henry Harrison
Mrs. Harrison
Hubert, the White House butler
Doctor
ACT ONE
MRS. HARRISON: My, that was a long inauguration speech! Father, you’ll catch your death of cold!
HARRISON: Nonsense, Mother! (coughs) We certainly have come a long way from our rustic youth, eh, Mrs. Harrison?
MRS. HARRISON: No more beans for us, Mr. Harrison!
Song: No More Beans
HARRISON: Hubert, some tea, please!
HUBERT: Will that be with your special “medicine,” Mr. President?
MRS. HARRISON: Why, General! Whiskey at this time of day?
HARRISON: It’s good for what ails you, eh, Hubert? (winks)
Song: What Ails You
ACT TWO
DOCTOR: I’m afraid the president is dead.
HUBERT: And only after one month!
Song: One Fabled Month
END


humortimes--2020-10-23--‘The Toobin Tales’ or… a Zoom Glitch is a Bitch!

The Toobin Tales : Top 10 excuses Author & Legal CNN Analyst , Jeffrey Toobin gave for getting off the air or just another Talking Head spieling his load .
But , what if the glove was on the other hand & it was Donald Trump who got caught doing the same thing ?
1 .
NO , NOT ME – MINE IS MUCH BIGGER !
2 .
I DON ’ T NEED THAT – I HAVE A GREAT PIECE OF ASS RIGHT HERE !
3 .
THOSE DEMS ARE ALL SEX MANIACS !
4 .
DID IT GET GOOD @ @ @ @ @ @ @ T WAIT TO SLIP IT IN MY LAST DEBATE & WAKE UP SLEEPY JOE !
6 .
I DON ’ T WATCH PORN – I HAVE SOME OLD NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICS !
7 .
DON ’ T BELIEVE MELANIA – SHE NEVER SAW IT…I WEAR ‘ ONESIES ’ !
8 .
TRUST ME – I WOULDN ’ T LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SORDID AS THIS !
9 .
I KNOW IT WASN ’ T MIKE PENCE – THE LAST TIME HE SAW BEAVER WAS BOY SCOUT CAMP ‘ WANNAPEEANYWHERE ’ !
10 .
IF @ @ @ @ @ @ @ IT WAS ME !
Sorry , I don ’ t know how to enlarge stuff !

The Toobin Tales: Top 10 excuses Author & Legal CNN Analyst, Jeffrey Toobin gave for getting off the air or just another Talking Head spieling his load.
But, what if the glove was on the other hand & it was Donald Trump who got caught doing the same thing?
1. NO, NOT ME – MINE IS MUCH BIGGER!
2. I DON’T NEED THAT – I HAVE A GREAT PIECE OF ASS RIGHT HERE!
3. THOSE DEMS ARE ALL SEX MANIACS!
4. DID IT GET GOOD POLL NUMBERS?
5. CAN’T WAIT TO SLIP IT IN MY LAST DEBATE & WAKE UP SLEEPY JOE!
6. I DON’T WATCH PORN – I HAVE SOME OLD NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICS!
I mean this!
7. DON’T BELIEVE MELANIA – SHE NEVER SAW IT…I WEAR ‘ONESIES’!
8. TRUST ME – I WOULDN’T LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SORDID AS THIS!
9. I KNOW IT WASN’T MIKE PENCE – THE LAST TIME HE SAW BEAVER WAS BOY SCOUT CAMP ‘WANNAPEEANYWHERE’!
And…
10. IF IT WAS OVER 12 INCHES – MAYBE IT WAS ME!
Sorry, I don’t know how to enlarge stuff!


humortimes--2020-10-23--A Wealth of Riches, a Poverty of Morals

A Wealth of Riches, a Poverty of Morals

Despite the pandemic , the wealth of billionaires is zooming , though they suffer from a poverty of morals .
Let ’ s say you ’ re a millionaire .
That ’ s a lot of money , right ?
Now let ’ s say you ’ re a billionaire .
That ’ s a lot more money !
But how much more ?
Think of all those dollars as seconds on a clock .
A million seconds would total 11.5 days — a nice stash to have in the bank of time .
But how much time does a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years .
Rich is nice , but billionaire-rich is over the moon .
So , no doubt you were as thrilled as I was to learn this month that , despite the global COVID-19 pandemic and the economic crash it ’ s causing , the wealth of billionaires is zooming out of this world .
There are nearly 2,200 of these uberrich dudes , and this summer — in the midst of raging disease and mass business closures — a bank survey found that the wealth stashed away by these elites hit a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 4 billion each .
Indeed , since 2018 , they ’ ve pocketed on average an extra half-billion bucks !
How ’ s that measure up to your take-home the past couple of years ?
Bear in mind that these fortunate few did nothing to earn this haul .
They didn ’ t work harder , didn ’ t get one digit smarter , didn ’ t create some new breakthrough product to benefit humankind .
They could just crank back in their gold-plated La-Z-Boys and let their money make money for them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who are cashing in on their own failure .
Having closed stores , fired thousands of workers , stiffed suppliers and creditors , taken bailout money from taxpayers and even led their corporations into bankruptcy , the CEOs of such collapsing giants as Hertz , J.C. Penney and Toys “ R ” Us have grabbed millions of dollars in — believe it or not — bonus payments !
The typical employee at J.C. Penney , for example , is held to part-time work , making under $ 12,000 a year .
Thousands of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ income as the once-mighty retailer is shutting 154 stores , Yet , the CEO was paid a $ 4.5 million cash bonus before the company filed for bankruptcy this year .
Still , the corporate establishment wonders why the people consider it a club of heartless , greedy bastards suffering from a poverty of morals .
Unfortunately , it ’ s their Grab-All-You-Can-and-Run ethics that are tainting what were fairly innocent pursuits .
As a Texas high schooler many moons ago , I was the 115-pound outside linebacker on the Denison Yellow Jackets @ @ @ @ @ @ @ won very few games , but we had spirit and some fun .
Our coach , a down-to-earth fellow paid a modest public school salary , tried to instill a bit of the sporting ethic in us : “ Win or lose , give it your best ” ; “ There is no I in team ” ; “ Cheaters never win ” — stuff like that .
So , laugh at my naivete ; call me a Pollyanna ; and whistle me out of bounds in the game of real life , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and disgusted that the self-centered corporate ethic — Survival of the Greediest — is becoming the guiding spirit of even amateur games .
The decline is most prevalent in big-time college football programs , where the top executives ( athletic directors , coaches and such ) draw absurd paychecks and gin up gabillions of dollars for the schools , while workers — i.e.
, the actual athletes — are paid nothing and regularly face crippling , even life-threatening , injuries .
But then came the pandemic , and college professors , students and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of budget squeezes .
Luckily , the old school spirit kicked in and highly paid college football coaches stepped up to make widely publicized sacrifices , voluntarily accepting personal pay cuts of 15 % to 20 % .
Yea , Coach !
Only it was a scam .
Their “ cuts ” only applied to the chiefs ’ base salaries , not to their full compensation .
The University of North Carolina coach Mack Brown , for example , draws $ 750,000 in base pay — which ain ’ t bad — but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a year .
So , he ’ s still banking nearly $ 2.8 million this year .
But wait , the scam gets scummier , for the supposed cuts actually are just deferments in pay .
The coaches are to get all of their “ sacrificed ” pay back !
University of Texas coach Tom Herman , for example , hauls in an estimated $ 6 million a year , but he was glorified this year for accepting a 15 % reduction of his much smaller base salary .
In agreeing to take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ university promise to give the sum back to him within three years .
Some philanthropists , huh ?
And what a model of sporting character they are , teaching young people that it ’ s not how you play the game that counts but whether you win or lose .

Despite the pandemic, the wealth of billionaires is zooming, though they suffer from a poverty of morals.
Let’s say you’re a millionaire. That’s a lot of money, right? Now let’s say you’re a billionaire. That’s a lot more money! But how much more?
Think of all those dollars as seconds on a clock. A million seconds would total 11.5 days — a nice stash to have in the bank of time. But how much time does a billion seconds buy you? Nearly 32 years. Rich is nice, but billionaire-rich is over the moon.
So, no doubt you were as thrilled as I was to learn this month that, despite the global COVID-19 pandemic and the economic crash it’s causing, the wealth of billionaires is zooming out of this world. There are nearly 2,200 of these uberrich dudes, and this summer — in the midst of raging disease and mass business closures — a bank survey found that the wealth stashed away by these elites hit a new record, averaging more than $4 billion each. Indeed, since 2018, they’ve pocketed on average an extra half-billion bucks! How’s that measure up to your take-home the past couple of years?
Bear in mind that these fortunate few did nothing to earn this haul. They didn’t work harder, didn’t get one digit smarter, didn’t create some new breakthrough product to benefit humankind. They could just crank back in their gold-plated La-Z-Boys and let their money make money for them.
Then there are multimillionaire corporate chieftains who are cashing in on their own failure. Having closed stores, fired thousands of workers, stiffed suppliers and creditors, taken bailout money from taxpayers and even led their corporations into bankruptcy, the CEOs of such collapsing giants as Hertz, J.C. Penney and Toys “R” Us have grabbed millions of dollars in — believe it or not — bonus payments! The typical employee at J.C. Penney, for example, is held to part-time work, making under $12,000 a year. Thousands of them are now losing even that miserly income as the once-mighty retailer is shutting 154 stores, Yet, the CEO was paid a $4.5 million cash bonus before the company filed for bankruptcy this year.
Still, the corporate establishment wonders why the people consider it a club of heartless, greedy bastards suffering from a poverty of morals. Unfortunately, it’s their Grab-All-You-Can-and-Run ethics that are tainting what were fairly innocent pursuits.
As a Texas high schooler many moons ago, I was the 115-pound outside linebacker on the Denison Yellow Jackets football team. Go bugs! We won very few games, but we had spirit and some fun. Our coach, a down-to-earth fellow paid a modest public school salary, tried to instill a bit of the sporting ethic in us: “Win or lose, give it your best”; “There is no I in team”; “Cheaters never win” — stuff like that.
So, laugh at my naivete; call me a Pollyanna; and whistle me out of bounds in the game of real life, but I’m somewhere between sad and disgusted that the self-centered corporate ethic — Survival of the Greediest — is becoming the guiding spirit of even amateur games. The decline is most prevalent in big-time college football programs, where the top executives (athletic directors, coaches and such) draw absurd paychecks and gin up gabillions of dollars for the schools, while workers — i.e., the actual athletes — are paid nothing and regularly face crippling, even life-threatening, injuries.
But then came the pandemic, and college professors, students and workers were being fired and shortchanged because of budget squeezes. Luckily, the old school spirit kicked in and highly paid college football coaches stepped up to make widely publicized sacrifices, voluntarily accepting personal pay cuts of 15% to 20%. Yea, Coach!
Only it was a scam. Their “cuts” only applied to the chiefs’ base salaries, not to their full compensation. The University of North Carolina coach Mack Brown, for example, draws $750,000 in base pay — which ain’t bad — but his full paycheck is $3.5 million a year. So, he’s still banking nearly $2.8 million this year.
But wait, the scam gets scummier, for the supposed cuts actually are just deferments in pay. The coaches are to get all of their “sacrificed” pay back! University of Texas coach Tom Herman, for example, hauls in an estimated $6 million a year, but he was glorified this year for accepting a 15% reduction of his much smaller base salary. In agreeing to take even that cut, he made the university promise to give the sum back to him within three years.
Some philanthropists, huh? And what a model of sporting character they are, teaching young people that it’s not how you play the game that counts but whether you win or lose.


My opinion matters!


humortimes--2020-10-24--Trump-Man Has Superpowers of His Own

Trump-Man Has Superpowers of His Own

Of course he ’ s no Superman .
He is Trump-Man , and possesses superpowers of his own .
Warning : Do not read “ Trump-Man ” if you are allergic to articles that make fun of Donald Trump .
Do not read to children less than 6 .
This article should not be given to children 6 to less than 18 as it may harm them .
The New York Times reported that President Trump had considered acting ill when leaving Walter Reed Hospital .
He then planned to pull open his dress shirt to reveal a Superman t-shirt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( that ’ s true ) .
The story was later confirmed by Jimmy Olsen , an investigative reporter with the failing Daily Planet newspaper .
Trump ’ s Republican supporters quickly claimed that the story proved their long-held belief that the commander-in-chief was Superman or a reincarnated version of the Man of Steel .
Democrats pounced on that assertion stating that , if it ’ s true , then Trump is an illegal immigrant ineligible to run for president as Superman was born on the planet Krypton .
Other supporters of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , although he could BUILD tall buildings , given his girth , they doubted that Trump could LEAP tall buildings in a single bound .
They also noted that his original name on Krypton was Kal-El which sounds Muslim .
Some then theorized that , since Bruce Wayne was a wealthy American playboy , it made more sense to assume that Trump was , in fact , Batman and that he would POW , BOOM , KAPOW Joe Biden in the next debate .
However , it was later pointed out that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Crusader as Batman always wears a mask , something Trump refuses to do .
And finally , some theorized that our leader was really The Hulk since they both periodically exhibit savage , brutish behavior and get more dangerous the madder they get .
But , in the end , this theory didn ’ t hold water as The Hulk is green while Trump is orange .
It ’ s silly to think that our president is one of these superheroes .
He is his own man .
He is Trump-Man and he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ No , he isn ’ t faster than a speeding bullet , or more powerful than a locomotive and he doesn ’ t have x-ray vision ( he wishes ) .
But what he does have is a particular set of skills , skills he has acquired over a very long career .
These skills and powers include : • Mind Blasts : the ability to send psychic or paranormal energy or , in his case , tweets that can cause mass confusion or hysteria .
This is a power that he has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ) : the capacity to use one ’ s own insanity as an asset .
This is an extremely powerful skill that the president has .
The crazier he acts , the more his base adores him .
• Time Manipulation : the ability to affect the flow of time by slowing , accelerating , stopping , or reversing it .
Trump has used this power to make the last 4 years seem like an eternity .
• Enhanced Concealment : With this power the user can hide himself or his things behind @ @ @ @ @ @ @ In Trump ’ s case he has been able to hide his tax returns , academic records etc .
before the fake press can see them .
• Matter Ingestion : This is the ability to consume all sorts of matter , including cheeseburgers and Diet Cokes without negative effects .
• Truth Manipulation : With this skill the user can turn a lie into the truth and the truth into a lie .
Trump shares this ability with Fox News and Breitbart .
• Illusion Creation : Which is the capacity to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ believe something that is not real like that masks don ’ t offer much protection from the coronavirus or that we have turned the corner on the pandemic and , • Madness Creation : One who possesses this power can affect the sanity of others .
This was on full display during the presidential debate when the president drove the moderator , Chris Wallace , completely bonkers .
So , without a doubt , Trump-Man has many superpowers .
The only question is whether Americans think he is a Superhero or Supervillain .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ November 3 or November 4 or November 5 or God knows when .
Stay safe .
As Yogi Berra would have said , this pandemic isn ’ t over until it ’ s over .

Of course he’s no Superman. He is Trump-Man, and possesses superpowers of his own.
Warning: Do not read “Trump-Man” if you are allergic to articles that make fun of Donald Trump. Do not read to children less than 6. This article should not be given to children 6 to less than 18 as it may harm them.
The New York Times reported that President Trump had considered acting ill when leaving Walter Reed Hospital. He then planned to pull open his dress shirt to reveal a Superman t-shirt that he was going to wear underneath (that’s true). The story was later confirmed by Jimmy Olsen, an investigative reporter with the failing Daily Planet newspaper.
Trump’s Republican supporters quickly claimed that the story proved their long-held belief that the commander-in-chief was Superman or a reincarnated version of the Man of Steel. Democrats pounced on that assertion stating that, if it’s true, then Trump is an illegal immigrant ineligible to run for president as Superman was born on the planet Krypton.
Other supporters of the president were more skeptical, believing that, although he could BUILD tall buildings, given his girth, they doubted that Trump could LEAP tall buildings in a single bound. They also noted that his original name on Krypton was Kal-El which sounds Muslim.
Some then theorized that, since Bruce Wayne was a wealthy American playboy, it made more sense to assume that Trump was, in fact, Batman and that he would POW, BOOM, KAPOW Joe Biden in the next debate. However, it was later pointed out that the president couldn’t be the Caped Crusader as Batman always wears a mask, something Trump refuses to do.
And finally, some theorized that our leader was really The Hulk since they both periodically exhibit savage, brutish behavior and get more dangerous the madder they get. But, in the end, this theory didn’t hold water as The Hulk is green while Trump is orange.
It’s silly to think that our president is one of these superheroes. He is his own man. He is Trump-Man and he possesses many superpowers of his own. No, he isn’t faster than a speeding bullet, or more powerful than a locomotive and he doesn’t have x-ray vision (he wishes). But what he does have is a particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long career. These skills and powers include:
Mind Blasts: the ability to send psychic or paranormal energy or, in his case, tweets that can cause mass confusion or hysteria. This is a power that he has mastered.
Insanity Manipulation (self): the capacity to use one’s own insanity as an asset. This is an extremely powerful skill that the president has. The crazier he acts, the more his base adores him.
Time Manipulation: the ability to affect the flow of time by slowing, accelerating, stopping, or reversing it. Trump has used this power to make the last 4 years seem like an eternity.
Enhanced Concealment: With this power the user can hide himself or his things behind the nearest object before being seen. In Trump’s case he has been able to hide his tax returns, academic records etc. before the fake press can see them.
Matter Ingestion: This is the ability to consume all sorts of matter, including cheeseburgers and Diet Cokes without negative effects.
Truth Manipulation: With this skill the user can turn a lie into the truth and the truth into a lie. Trump shares this ability with Fox News and Breitbart.
Illusion Creation: Which is the capacity to alter peoples’ perceptions, so they believe something that is not real like that masks don’t offer much protection from the coronavirus or that we have turned the corner on the pandemic and,
Madness Creation: One who possesses this power can affect the sanity of others. This was on full display during the presidential debate when the president drove the moderator, Chris Wallace, completely bonkers.
So, without a doubt, Trump-Man has many superpowers. The only question is whether Americans think he is a Superhero or Supervillain. I guess we will find out on November 3 or November 4 or November 5 or God knows when.
Stay safe. As Yogi Berra would have said, this pandemic isn’t over until it’s over.


humortimes--2020-10-24--Epstein and the QAnon Connection

Epstein and the QAnon Connection

This reporter has just discovered the origins of QAnon .
While cleaning out his office on the island , one of the staff discovered a hidden file in which Jeffrey Epstein outlined his plan for creating QAnon to distract from his own pedophilia and that of top Republican leaders .
What better plan than to accuse their opponents and put the Democrats on the defensive .
His first step was hiring screen writers from the underground child pornography business to write various scenarios that QAnon could spread across social media .
He loaned them his diary , which he thought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hired social media experts , who said he had to tap two groups in particular : those who use social media and the internet for sexual material , as they would be avid supporters , using QAnon to cover their own proclivities and offenses .
Next would be the evangelicals , though there might be a significant overlap between the two groups .
However , he could count on the evangelicals to give it a religious flavor , which would add another layer of protection .
The media person also suggested adding in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ always looking for any excuse to lock and load .
He put out the word to specific Republican leaders , suggesting that they indicate that they didn ’ t even know what QAnon was , so their connection would be safe .
After Epstein ’ s death , the technicians running the enterprise continued on , since Ghislaine made sure that their salaries would continue , as it helped her own cover , particularly when she was on the run .
Ghislaine contacted people in important positions in the U.S. and other countries @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and money has rolled in to maintain their anonymity and further fund QAnon .
The staff regularly drops acid together to keep their followers enthralled with absurd stories .

Is QAnon a Republican cover?
This reporter has just discovered the origins of QAnon. While cleaning out his office on the island, one of the staff discovered a hidden file in which Jeffrey Epstein outlined his plan for creating QAnon to distract from his own pedophilia and that of top Republican leaders. What better plan than to accuse their opponents and put the Democrats on the defensive.
His first step was hiring screen writers from the underground child pornography business to write various scenarios that QAnon could spread across social media. He loaned them his diary, which he thought would offer abundant material.
Next he hired social media experts, who said he had to tap two groups in particular: those who use social media and the internet for sexual material, as they would be avid supporters, using QAnon to cover their own proclivities and offenses. Next would be the evangelicals, though there might be a significant overlap between the two groups. However, he could count on the evangelicals to give it a religious flavor, which would add another layer of protection.
The media person also suggested adding in militia and NRA groups, who are always looking for any excuse to lock and load. He put out the word to specific Republican leaders, suggesting that they indicate that they didn’t even know what QAnon was, so their connection would be safe.
After Epstein’s death, the technicians running the enterprise continued on, since Ghislaine made sure that their salaries would continue, as it helped her own cover, particularly when she was on the run. Ghislaine contacted people in important positions in the U.S. and other countries who had “partied” with Epstein, and money has rolled in to maintain their anonymity and further fund QAnon.
The staff regularly drops acid together to keep their followers enthralled with absurd stories.


humortimes--2020-10-24--“Names Will Never Hurt Me” – Republican’s Teflon Thick Skin

‘ Thick skin ’ : No matter what others call them – top tier Republicans just let it roll off their spineless backs !
And that ’ s just their mothers talking !
Senate Republicans with their ‘ thick skin ’ selling their souls – for what ?
To be in the King ’ s favor ?
Fear of intimidation or reprisal ?
Skeletons in their Water Closet ?
What did Donald Trump promise them – a Mar-a-Lago bungalow & 72 Virgins ?
What ’ s in their Personal File – Sex with Farm Animals ?
Afraid of hearing their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Blanket ’ ?
Or their suspicious college major : Animal Husbandry ?
What ’ s so infuriating to watch is Trump ’ s nearest & dearest being visibly shameless !
When we see Mark Meadows , Lindsey Graham & William Barr do it – we just have to imagine Moe , Larry & Curly around the Resolute Desk throwing around the bust of Lincoln !
But , Mitch McConnell does it under the radar !
He ’ s so stealth-like – lulling us into a trance with his monotone , as we say @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Lord ” !
Then , there ’ s Rudy Giuliani .
I wouldn ’ t call him any of those names ; he ’ s too far up to ever get out !
But Vice President Mike Pence is my favorite – ‘ Boldly going where no man has gone before ’ !
He ’ s so smooth , he makes the act of complicity – seem like God ’ s Work !
Yesmen & Yeswomen !
Everyone Trump touches is either under his thumb or his pecker .
I mean in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , those two words confuse me sometimes !
Yes , women !
Well , this one is ‘ a definite Maybe ’ … And , who can forget Trump ’ s Legal Defense team at his Impeachment Trial ?
That group could get Hitler off !
They didn ’ t need William Barr for anything that day – I think he went fishing !
Yes , I looked it up too – it ’ s without pith !
* *Me ?
I ’ m such a WUSS – I ’ m ending it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ If I can find it !

‘Thick skin’: No matter what others call them – top tier Republicans just let it roll off their spineless backs!
“HYPOCRITE”! “SYCOPHANT”! “ASS-KISSER”! “BROWN NOSER”!
And that’s just their mothers talking!
Senate Republicans with their ‘thick skin’ selling their souls – for what?
To be in the King’s favor? Fear of intimidation or reprisal? Skeletons in their Water Closet?
What did Donald Trump promise them – a Mar-a-Lago bungalow & 72 Virgins?
What’s in their Personal File – Sex with Farm Animals?
Afraid of hearing their old nickname: ‘Pigs in a Blanket’? Or their suspicious college major: Animal Husbandry?
“LAPDOG”! “TOADY”! “LACKEY”! “APPLE POLISHER”!
What’s so infuriating to watch is Trump’s nearest & dearest being visibly shameless!
When we see Mark Meadows, Lindsey Graham & William Barr do it – we just have to imagine Moe, Larry & Curly around the Resolute Desk throwing around the bust of Lincoln!
“LILY-LIVERED”! “YELLOW-BELLIED”! “CHICKEN”! “GUTLESS”!
But, Mitch McConnell does it under the radar! He’s so stealth-like – lulling us into a trance with his monotone, as we say to ourselves, “Take me now, Lord”!
“BENEDICT ARNOLD”! “JUDAS”! “PARASITIC”! “COWARD”!
Then, there’s Rudy Giuliani. I wouldn’t call him any of those names; he’s too far up to ever get out!
But Vice President Mike Pence is my favorite – ‘Boldly going where no man has gone before’!
He’s so smooth, he makes the act of complicity – seem like God’s Work!
Yesmen & Yeswomen! Everyone Trump touches is either under his thumb or his pecker. I mean in his pocket!
I’m sorry, those two words confuse me sometimes!
Yes, women! Well, this one is ‘a definite Maybe’…
Senator Susan Collins has threatened to toilet paper Trump’s trees!
And, who can forget Trump’s Legal Defense team at his Impeachment Trial?
Ken Starr, Alan Dershowitz, Robert Ray, Jay Sekulow & Pat (take the Canoli) Cipollone.
That group could get Hitler off!
They didn’t need William Barr for anything that day – I think he went fishing!
“SKULLDUGGERY”! “QUACKERY”! “PECKSNIFFERY”! And, “PITHLESS”!
Yes, I looked it up too – it’s without pith!*
*Me? I’m such a WUSS – I’m ending it here & taking the high road!
If I can find it!


humortimes--2020-10-27--Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/27/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/27/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nomination was in the bag but she ’ s rumored to have already put down a deposit on a home for her family and kids .
Trump privately complains Jews are ‘ only in it for themselves , ’ blames black people for inequality The US is on track to experience the fewest recorded deaths from lightning strikes in a single year You ’ d think it would be worse what with all those tin foil hats .
… .
When Trump Jr. asks “ Where ’ s Hunter Biden , ” maybe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some blow ?
The NBA is targeting Dec. 22 for the start of the 2020-21 season Or , as the Kardashians call it a new season of ‘ The Bachelorette.
’ How Rudy Giuliani got caught red handed with ‘ Borat ’ s ’ daughter For now , Rudy ’ s acting like there was nothing going on in that hotel room… I mean , it ’ s not like she was a first cousin or anything .
He ’ ll now be known as 46 Cent having given his 2 Cents .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of those languages her hips don ’ t lie .
Susan Collins just made the most Susan Collins comment about the debate Let ’ s face it , Susan Collins prefers building a fence to a wall so she ’ ll have someplace to sit .
Ice Cube sets the record straight on his plans with Trump in interview with Chris Cuomo Frankly , you ’ d think a guy named Ice Cube would be more worried about global warming .
Tiffany Trump becomes campaign liability after Miami birthday bash during COVID 19 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say he barely knows someone and not be lying … Prince William has been caught staring at breasts In fairness , Prince Andrew has put on a few pounds !
… but only as water balloons .
Trump : “ If I lose to him … you will never see me again ”

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Senate votes on Amy Coney Barrett’s Supreme Court confirmation
Not saying the nomination was in the bag but she’s rumored to have already put down a deposit on a home for her family and kids.
Trump privately complains Jews are ‘only in it for themselves,’ blames black people for inequality
He must’ve really hated Sammy Davis Jr!
The US is on track to experience the fewest recorded deaths from lightning strikes in a single year
You’d think it would be worse what with all those tin foil hats.
Donald Trump Jr. asks ‘Where’s Hunter Biden?’
…. When Trump Jr. asks “Where’s Hunter Biden,” maybe he’s just trying to score some blow?
The NBA is targeting Dec. 22 for the start of the 2020-21 season
Or, as the Kardashians call it a new season of ‘The Bachelorette.’
How Rudy Giuliani got caught red handed with ‘Borat’s’ daughter
For now, Rudy’s acting like there was nothing going on in that hotel room… I mean, it’s not like she was a first cousin or anything.
50 Cent retracts Donald Trump endorsement
He’ll now be known as 46 Cent having given his 2 Cents. Twice!
Shakira can speak English, Spanish, Italian, Arabic, and Portuguese fluently
… and in every one of those languages her hips don’t lie.
Susan Collins just made the most Susan Collins comment about the debate
Let’s face it, Susan Collins prefers building a fence to a wall so she’ll have someplace to sit.
Ice Cube sets the record straight on his plans with Trump in interview with Chris Cuomo
Frankly, you’d think a guy named Ice Cube would be more worried about global warming.
Tiffany Trump becomes campaign liability after Miami birthday bash during COVID 19
For the first time, Trump can say he barely knows someone and not be lying …
Prince William has been caught staring at breasts
In fairness, Prince Andrew has put on a few pounds!
Jill Duggar admits to using condoms
… but only as water balloons.
Trump: “If I lose to him … you will never see me again”
That’s punishment? How?


humortimes--2020-10-27--Demented Voters See Trump as One of Them

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
A recent poll found that Trump had an 18-point advantage over Joe Biden within the demented voters demographic .
“ Having Dementia doesn ’ t mean you can ’ t vote , ” said Kristina Anderson , whose father is in the late stage of the disease .
A recent poll of demented voters found that Trump had an 18-point advantage over Joe Biden .
Asked what appealed to them about Trump , these individuals cited his relatability .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ voters feel a comradery with the President .
He really gets them , ” a source close to the Trump campaign said .
“ In Trump , my dad recognizes someone who gets flustered when asked questions , a man who looks disoriented , someone prone to outbursts .
It ’ s all very familiar to Dad , ” Ms. Anderson said .
The Trump campaign put out this statement : “ We ’ re now focusing our efforts on impaired voters .
We ’ ll be going to nursing homes , assisted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the country .
We feel we can benefit from a population that has forgotten about the pandemic .
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
A recent poll found that Trump had an 18-point advantage over Joe Biden within the demented voters demographic.
“Having Dementia doesn’t mean you can’t vote,” said Kristina Anderson, whose father is in the late stage of the disease. A recent poll of demented voters found that Trump had an 18-point advantage over Joe Biden. Asked what appealed to them about Trump, these individuals cited his relatability.
“We’re seeing that these voters feel a comradery with the President. He really gets them,” a source close to the Trump campaign said.
“In Trump, my dad recognizes someone who gets flustered when asked questions, a man who looks disoriented, someone prone to outbursts. It’s all very familiar to Dad,” Ms. Anderson said.
The Trump campaign put out this statement: “We’re now focusing our efforts on impaired voters. We’ll be going to nursing homes, assisted living facilities, and stroke units across the country. We feel we can benefit from a population that has forgotten about the pandemic.”


humortimes--2020-10-27--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and His Uncle Max Sanders

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and His Uncle Max Sanders .
Ed .
Note : Announcing an all-new The Jerry Duncan Show series on YouTube .
Episodes 1 & 2 will air Friday , October 30 and Episodes 3 & 4 will air Monday November 2 .
The cast features Broadway and television stars .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today on the show my guest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Uncle Max Sanders .
Hello my Alaskan friend .
I want you to meet my Uncle Max .
Can you believe Bernie drags me to this fakakte lake in Vermont to go fishing ?
Champagne , complain .
I ’ ve never fished in my life !
Try it , you ’ ll like it .
There ’ s bass , trout , northern pike , salmon .
What is this a 5 star restaurant ?
If I want salmon , I ’ ll go to Sol ’ s Deli for lox .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ rivers and streams , 800 lakes and ponds .
We can fish in any direction .
Can we catch gefilte fish ?
Give me something to live for .
When I was a little pisher in Brooklyn , my father took me fishing in the Hamptons .
The Hamptons ?
That ’ s where all the rich people live .
Correct .
Pops said money can ’ t buy happiness , but neither can poverty .
The problem was we fished in people ’ s koi ponds , so we had to run @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t that how you got the bug to go into politics ?
Absolutely .
We poor folk and activists had something in common .
We were both fighting for change .
In my case , a couple of nickels to rub together .
How about you , Max ?
What did you do for a living ?
Uncle Max is the smart one in the family .
But he is cheap .
Last week , he put a quarter in the parking meter and complained to city hall there wasn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ another instance .
Two years ago his wife Ruth asked for diamonds for her birthday .
He brought her two — the eight and the queen .
Don ’ t mention that word .
I ’ m up here to relax from high blood pressure .
So fellas .
How do you plan to catch fish ?
Do you know what you ’ re doing ?
How hard can it be ?
I have a can of night crawlers , a net and a few fishing rods .
How do you get the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it through .
Then cast the rod and wait for a fish to take the bait .
It ’ s not rocket science .
I got a better idea .
I ’ ll just swim to shore .
Did you run out of prune juice ?
This is H-U-G-E .
The boat just sprung a leak .
The one day I go fishing and end up on the Titanic .
Jerry .
You ’ re a smart man .
Should I use Max ’ s toupee to plug the hole ?
Nah .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ waterproof .
Lord knows there must be 79 years worth in that canal .
Hold on .
This might take a while .
Lots of crud .
Do you need some of mine ?
No .
I have so much wax they could put me in a wax museum .
Do you have enough yet ?
Shut up so he can keep digging .
Now I ’ ll start the motor and we ’ ll head back to shore .
This isn ’ t going to end well .
Starts singing My Heart @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Near , far where ever you are , I believe that the heart does go on… See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and His Uncle Max Sanders.
Ed. Note: Announcing an all-new The Jerry Duncan Show series on YouTube! Episodes 1 & 2 are available now (scroll down to see them on this page) and Episodes 3 & 4 will air Monday November 2. The cast features Broadway and television stars.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and his Uncle Max Sanders.
JERRY
Hi Bernie.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Hello my Alaskan friend. I want you to meet my Uncle Max.
JERRY
Hi Max.
MAX SANDERS
Can you believe Bernie drags me to this fakakte lake in Vermont to go fishing?
BERNIE
We’re in a boat on Lake Champlain.
MAX
Champagne, complain. I’ve never fished in my life!
BERNIE
Try it, you’ll like it. There’s bass, trout, northern pike, salmon.
MAX
What is this a 5 star restaurant? If I want salmon, I’ll go to Sol’s Deli for lox.
BERNIE
Jerry. Vermont has 7,000 miles of rivers and streams, 800 lakes and ponds. We can fish in any direction.
MAX
Can we catch gefilte fish? Give me something to live for.
BERNIE
When I was a little pisher in Brooklyn, my father took me fishing in the Hamptons.
JERRY
The Hamptons? That’s where all the rich people live.
BERNIE
Correct. Pops said money can’t buy happiness, but neither can poverty. The problem was we fished in people’s koi ponds, so we had to run for our lives.
MAX
Running. Isn’t that how you got the bug to go into politics?
BERNIE
Absolutely. We poor folk and activists had something in common. We were both fighting for change. In my case, a couple of nickels to rub together.
JERRY
How about you, Max? What did you do for a living?
MAX
I was an accountant.
BERNIE
Uncle Max is the smart one in the family. But he is cheap.
JERRY
How so?
BERNIE
Last week, he put a quarter in the parking meter and complained to city hall there wasn’t a gumball. Let me give you another instance. Two years ago his wife Ruth asked for diamonds for her birthday. He brought her two — the eight and the queen.
MAX
Yes. I’m conservative.
BERNIE
Don’t mention that word. I’m up here to relax from high blood pressure.
JERRY
So fellas. How do you plan to catch fish? Do you know what you’re doing?
BERNIE
How hard can it be? I have a can of night crawlers, a net and a few fishing rods.
JERRY
How do you get the worm on a hook?
BERNIE
You squeeze it through. Then cast the rod and wait for a fish to take the bait. It’s not rocket science.
MAX
I got a better idea. I’ll just swim to shore.
BERNIE
You’ll drown.
MAX
Exactly.
BERNIE
Jerry. We got a problem.
JERRY
Did you run out of prune juice?
BERNIE
This is H-U-G-E. The boat just sprung a leak.
MAX
The one day I go fishing and end up on the Titanic.
BERNIE
Don’t panic.
MAX
Where’s the life jackets?
BERNIE
Oy. I forgot them.
MAX
Can I call a lifeline?
BERNIE
Regis is dead.
BERNIE
Jerry. You’re a smart man. Should I use Max’s toupee to plug the hole?
JERRY
Nah. Try your ear wax. It’s waterproof. Lord knows there must be 79 years worth in that canal.
BERNIE
Hold on. This might take a while. Lots of crud.
MAX
Do you need some of mine?
BERNIE
No. I have so much wax they could put me in a wax museum.
JERRY
Do you have enough yet?
MAX
Shut up so he can keep digging.
BERNIE
You’re on schpilkas. I’m digging. I’m digging.
JERRY
And?
BERNIE
I found an old Q-tip.
BERNIE
Wait. I can fill the hole.
JERRY
Great.
BERNIE
Now I’ll start the motor and we’ll head back to shore.
The motor doesn’t start.
MAX
This isn’t going to end well.
Starts singing My Heart Will Go On from the movie Titanic.
MAX
Near, far where ever you are, I believe that the heart does go on…
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner
Here are Episodes 1 & 2 of the all-new The Jerry Duncan Show series on YouTube!