humortimes--2020-03-28--How to Deal with a Pandemic

How to Deal with a Pandemic

To calm your jangled nerves , here are some reassuring things to look forward to once the pandemic finally begins to fade away .
The uncertainty surrounding the global outbreak of COVID-19 has resulted in high levels of anxiety .
Hours of watching the news does little to assuage those nervous feelings and , in fact , often makes them worse .
The hope , of course , is that some expert will appear on your TV screen and calm your fears by predicting an end to this new national nightmare .
Sadly , the experts seem to have no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to what ’ s going to happen .
That ’ s why I ’ m here to provide you with some small assurances that will help calm your jangled nerves .
We may not know how to end the pandemic but we can plan now for some small joys as things play out .
With any luck , the cratering economy and a self-destructing presidency will spell the end of Donald Trump ’ s reign with a resounding electoral defeat in November .
There ’ s no guarantee , of course , that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ House but , if he won ’ t , it sure would be fun to see the U. S. Army perp-walk him out the door .
As the oncoming economic depression exposes more and more layers of corruption , hopefully we ’ ll see a new reordering of society and a sharp increase in white collar inmates .
Senators Burr and Loeffler are just the tip of Washington ’ s corruption iceberg .
Let ’ s take joy in freeing all those victimless drug-related criminals and replacing them with the legion of beneficiaries @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And won ’ t it be fun to see all those anti-vaxxers lining up for the new COVID-19 vaccine a year from now ?
I suspect their previous concerns will melt away with the possibility of avoiding the pandemic .
Let ’ s just make sure they ’ re last in the vaccination lineup .
Things will undoubtedly get worse before they get better .
But don ’ t forget to pause and take joy in the over-exuberance of the prepper population .
From Idaho to Florida , the gun-toting , water-saving wackos @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their long-wished-for apocalypse .
Imagine their disappointment when we eventually return to normal and lock them up for our safety and theirs .
Prepare for the long awaited celebration of a White House cleansing that will see the most incompetent , uncaring and corrupt Administration in history go the way of the dodo bird .
Not only will top dodo Trump be given the boot , his army of fools will also be shown the door including family members Jared and Ivanka , uber-sycophant Mike Pence and modern vampire Stephen Miller .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ final days of America ’ s boobocracy .
The ousting of the Trump Family will mark the end of red state rule as electoral reform , renewed political interest and changing demographics mean bye-bye to MAGA and its silly , self-destructive low-IQ electorate .
And last but not least is the hoped for renaissance of America ’ s social safety net .
Having lived through the consequences of an ill-prepared , leaderless federal government , we can finally welcome a newly structured society with healthcare , education and a living wage for all @

To calm your jangled nerves, here are some reassuring things to look forward to once the pandemic finally begins to fade away.
The uncertainty surrounding the global outbreak of COVID-19 has resulted in high levels of anxiety. Hours of watching the news does little to assuage those nervous feelings and, in fact, often makes them worse.
The hope, of course, is that some expert will appear on your TV screen and calm your fears by predicting an end to this new national nightmare. Sadly, the experts seem to have no more idea than you or me as to what’s going to happen.
That’s why I’m here to provide you with some small assurances that will help calm your jangled nerves. We may not know how to end the pandemic but we can plan now for some small joys as things play out.
With any luck, the cratering economy and a self-destructing presidency will spell the end of Donald Trump’s reign with a resounding electoral defeat in November. There’s no guarantee, of course, that the miscreant will actually leave the White House but, if he won’t, it sure would be fun to see the U. S. Army perp-walk him out the door.
As the oncoming economic depression exposes more and more layers of corruption, hopefully we’ll see a new reordering of society and a sharp increase in white collar inmates. Senators Burr and Loeffler are just the tip of Washington’s corruption iceberg. Let’s take joy in freeing all those victimless drug-related criminals and replacing them with the legion of beneficiaries of America’s crony capitalism.
And won’t it be fun to see all those anti-vaxxers lining up for the new COVID-19 vaccine a year from now? I suspect their previous concerns will melt away with the possibility of avoiding the pandemic. Let’s just make sure they’re last in the vaccination lineup.
Things will undoubtedly get worse before they get better. But don’t forget to pause and take joy in the over-exuberance of the prepper population. From Idaho to Florida, the gun-toting, water-saving wackos are currently salivating at the possibility of their long-wished-for apocalypse. Imagine their disappointment when we eventually return to normal and lock them up for our safety and theirs.
Prepare for the long awaited celebration of a White House cleansing that will see the most incompetent, uncaring and corrupt Administration in history go the way of the dodo bird. Not only will top dodo Trump be given the boot, his army of fools will also be shown the door including family members Jared and Ivanka, uber-sycophant Mike Pence and modern vampire Stephen Miller.
It will also be time to celebrate the final days of America’s boobocracy. The ousting of the Trump Family will mark the end of red state rule as electoral reform, renewed political interest and changing demographics mean bye-bye to MAGA and its silly, self-destructive low-IQ electorate.
And last but not least is the hoped for renaissance of America’s social safety net. Having lived through the consequences of an ill-prepared, leaderless federal government, we can finally welcome a newly structured society with healthcare, education and a living wage for all.


humortimes--2020-03-28--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: The Elephant in the Room

As usual , the elephant in the room makes doo .
Republicans and Trump : Of Mice and Menace .
@ @ @ @ @ , but reality will have it ’ s way .
There are many different ways @ @ @ @ @ Closing your eyes is not one of them .
The press sure is getting to @ @ @ @ @ louse divided against himself can not understand .
You made your bed , now lie @ @ @ @ @ lives by the hoard dies by the horde .
In a time of crisis , @ @ @ @ @ women .
People don ’ t know what they want until they don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ bow to no one .
Anesthesiologists are more than just numbers .
The milk of @ @ @ @ @

As usual, the elephant in the room makes doo.
Republicans and Trump: Of Mice and Menace.
Conservatives serve cons.
Trump: America’s #1 bulltwitter.
You can have your say, but reality will have it’s way.
There are many different ways of looking at things. Closing your eyes is not one of them.
The press sure is getting to you, Donald.
A louse divided against himself cannot understand.
You made your bed, now lie about it.
He who lives by the hoard dies by the horde.
Rue in ruin.
In a time of crisis, here rose brave men and women.
People don’t know what they want until they don’t have it.
Without rights, what’s left?
Prudence be forethought.
Straight arrows bow to no one.
Tomorrow is a nude day.
Anesthesiologists are more than just numbers.
The milk of human kindness never sours.
Be there brother’s keeper.


humortimes--2020-03-31--Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/30/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/30/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ songs from balconies in Rome to lift spirits during coronavirus lockdown While America needs to break into ‘ Don ’ t Stand So Close to Me ’ and ‘ U Can ’ t Touch This.
’ Damn it , if the shit they serve in Waffle Houses can ’ t kill the Coronavirus , damn near nothing can !
Tate Donovan reacts to Sandra Bullock-Jennifer Aniston interview about dating him Mostly to push his new VH1 Special ‘ I F**ked the 90 ’ s. ’ Wonder if Trump gave you an extra-large birthday @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Judge Jeanine missed the first segment of her show tonight because of “ technical difficulties ” … but , appropriately , she started with “ Hi , my name is Jeanine… ” Former Press Secretary Sean Spicer is allowed to use one of the seats in the briefing room to ask Trump questions So , he ’ s gone from ‘ Dancing with the Stars ’ back to ‘ Tap Dancing with the Stars.
’ O.J .
Simpson says he ’ ll go ‘ crazy ’ if all golf courses are closed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he actual killer plays lots of golf … Questions arise on whether Trump actually took coronavirus test Not me , I ’ m not even slightly surprised Trump tested negative for the virus … Guy spends every minute of every day washing his hands of responsibility .
Coors Lite Beer being delivered right to your doorstep … or real beer , if you call another company .
William Shatner will get ‘ horse semen ’ for animal breeding in divorce settlement Though , now he ’ ll have to buy some horses @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rays , business as usual .
Ben Affleck jokes that his child stardom was the reason Matt Damon started acting : he was ‘ incredibly jealous ’ No word if after seeing ‘ Gigli , ’ Damon almost quit .

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Italians singing patriotic songs from balconies in Rome to lift spirits during coronavirus lockdown
While America needs to break into ‘Don’t Stand So Close to Me’ and ‘U Can’t Touch This.’
400+ Waffle Houses closed
Damn it, if the shit they serve in Waffle Houses can’t kill the Coronavirus, damn near nothing can!
Tate Donovan reacts to Sandra Bullock-Jennifer Aniston interview about dating him
Mostly to push his new VH1 Special ‘I F**ked the 90’s.’
Happy 80th birthday, Speaker Pelosi
Wonder if Trump gave you an extra-large birthday card to rip up in his face.
Rand Paul tests positive for Coronavirus
So, ‘Atlas Coughed!’
Judge Jeanine missed the first segment of her show tonight because of “technical difficulties”
… but, appropriately, she started with “Hi, my name is Jeanine…”
Former Press Secretary Sean Spicer is allowed to use one of the seats in the briefing room to ask Trump questions
So, he’s gone from ‘Dancing with the Stars’ back to ‘Tap Dancing with the Stars.’
O.J. Simpson says he’ll go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses are closed
Poor guy, must have a lead that he actual killer plays lots of golf …
Questions arise on whether Trump actually took coronavirus test
Not me, I’m not even slightly surprised Trump tested negative for the virus … Guy spends every minute of every day washing his hands of responsibility.
Coors Lite Beer being delivered right to your doorstep
… or real beer, if you call another company.
William Shatner will get ‘horse semen’ for animal breeding in divorce settlement
Though, now he’ll have to buy some horses.
Baseball Parks to remain empty
So, for the Tampa Bay Rays, business as usual.
Ben Affleck jokes that his child stardom was the reason Matt Damon started acting: he was ‘incredibly jealous’
No word if after seeing ‘Gigli,’ Damon almost quit.
Mexicans demand crackdown on Americans crossing the border
… they’re afraid of ‘Spring Break’ becoming ‘Spring Outbreak…’


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humortimes--2020-04-04--Senate Republicans Introduce COVID-19 Cowbell Law

New “ Cowbell Law ” legislation will replace self-quarantine rules , say Senate Republicans .
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ( R- Kentucky ) announced today the introduction in the Senate of new cowbell law legislation to drastically alter social distancing guidelines by replacing self-quarantine rules with the requirement that all people thought to have contracted COVID-19 wear cowbells .
“ The Republican Party , like the president , wants to get America back to work as fast as possible , ” he told reporters on the Capitol steps , “ and we believe this novel Cowbell Law will make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quarantining.
” Asked how the new legislation would work , Senator McConnell explained , “ Basically we stop requiring that people who have , or think they have , or know they have COVID-19 self-quarantine , and instead require them to wear cowbells outside their homes so others will know who they are and where they are they can be avoided and shunned .
It ’ s really a very simple and effective plan , and it will allow everyone to get back to work much , much sooner and get the economy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worrying about our stock portfolios.
” Asked by Humor Times if stock portfolios should take precedence over national health and safety , McConnell responded , “ Well of course .
It ’ s part of the president ’ s “ Plan to Restart America.
” The average American worker has lost millions and millions of dollars in the stock market over the last few weeks .
That is simply unacceptable .
Restaurant workers are laid off .
Factory workers are laid off .
Many don ’ t know if they will have a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over .
They can ’ t afford to lose millions of dollars in the stock market on top of it .
We have a plan to stop this death spiral , and I ’ m calling on Democrats in the Senate to vote to pass this measure immediately .
They don ’ t even need to read it .
It ’ s really that important.
” Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer ( D-New York ) issued the following statement in response to the Republican proposal : “ The Democratic Caucus is looking at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
While we believe the idea has merits , we are not yet convinced that ostracizing Americans is the best answer , or indeed the only answer .
We are also considering a possible rider to include much needed language about the mandatory use of sustainable cowbell materials , which we all know is another dire crisis confronting the planet .
We believe America should take the lead on this issue as well.
” Responding to Senator Schumer ’ s statement , Senate Majority Whip John Thune ( R-South Dakota ) replied , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around saving the planet when our stock portfolios are in danger .
I have spoken to members on both sides of the aisle and I believe we have wide bipartisan support for this bill .
Our colleagues across the aisle have just as much at stake in the precipitous drop in stock values as anyone , and they know that we must get this economy going again , and fast , for the sake of our portfolios .
I think we all agree that a minor offense to the self-esteem of a few @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have been where the disease was to begin with , is a small price to pay for a healthy stock portfolio .
This is not an offensive idea , the Majority Leader knows what it ’ s like to be shunned .
Look at him.
” A telephone poll conducted by Humor Times produced the following responses : Annalee M. , Blairsville , OH : “ It must be a good idea .
Tractor Supply has been out of cowbells for years .
I checked.
” Lavar T. , Lubbock TX : “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 8 year old , Barker , wear a cowbell , and a helmet and a leash , too , so he don ’ t hurt himself or any body else .
People will think he has them Cootie-19 ’ s. ” President Trump tweeted : “ BIG BILL .
HUGE !
This is Leadership America Needs .
I taught McConnell how to lead when I invented congress .
Good day for America .
Bad day for a few fake sickies , but good for America !
This will Keep America Great Again !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ANTI-AMERICAN FAKE MAN DEMOCRAT !
Whah !
Whah !
”

New “Cowbell Law” legislation will replace self-quarantine rules, say Senate Republicans.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R- Kentucky) announced today the introduction in the Senate of new cowbell law legislation to drastically alter social distancing guidelines by replacing self-quarantine rules with the requirement that all people thought to have contracted COVID-19 wear cowbells. “The Republican Party, like the president, wants to get America back to work as fast as possible,” he told reporters on the Capitol steps, “and we believe this novel Cowbell Law will make that possible much, much faster than quarantining.”
Asked how the new legislation would work, Senator McConnell explained, “Basically we stop requiring that people who have, or think they have, or know they have COVID-19 self-quarantine, and instead require them to wear cowbells outside their homes so others will know who they are and where they are they can be avoided and shunned. It’s really a very simple and effective plan, and it will allow everyone to get back to work much, much sooner and get the economy going again so we can all stop worrying about our stock portfolios.”
Asked by Humor Times if stock portfolios should take precedence over national health and safety, McConnell responded, “Well of course. It’s part of the president’s “Plan to Restart America.” The average American worker has lost millions and millions of dollars in the stock market over the last few weeks. That is simply unacceptable. Restaurant workers are laid off. Factory workers are laid off. Many don’t know if they will have a job to return to when this is over. They can’t afford to lose millions of dollars in the stock market on top of it. We have a plan to stop this death spiral, and I’m calling on Democrats in the Senate to vote to pass this measure immediately. They don’t even need to read it. It’s really that important.”
Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer (D-New York) issued the following statement in response to the Republican proposal: “The Democratic Caucus is looking at the language of this legislation very carefully. While we believe the idea has merits, we are not yet convinced that ostracizing Americans is the best answer, or indeed the only answer. We are also considering a possible rider to include much needed language about the mandatory use of sustainable cowbell materials, which we all know is another dire crisis confronting the planet. We believe America should take the lead on this issue as well.”
Responding to Senator Schumer’s statement, Senate Majority Whip John Thune (R-South Dakota) replied, “There is no need to go around saving the planet when our stock portfolios are in danger. I have spoken to members on both sides of the aisle and I believe we have wide bipartisan support for this bill. Our colleagues across the aisle have just as much at stake in the precipitous drop in stock values as anyone, and they know that we must get this economy going again, and fast, for the sake of our portfolios. I think we all agree that a minor offense to the self-esteem of a few people who, frankly, should never have been where the disease was to begin with, is a small price to pay for a healthy stock portfolio. This is not an offensive idea, the Majority Leader knows what it’s like to be shunned. Look at him.”
A telephone poll conducted by Humor Times produced the following responses:
Annalee M., Blairsville, OH: “It must be a good idea. Tractor Supply has been out of cowbells for years. I checked.”
Lavar T., Lubbock TX: “Not good. We already make our 8 year old, Barker, wear a cowbell, and a helmet and a leash, too, so he don’t hurt himself or any body else. People will think he has them Cootie-19’s.”
Austin D., Belliam, VT: “So can we milk them?”
President Trump tweeted: “BIG BILL. HUGE! This is Leadership America Needs. I taught McConnell how to lead when I invented congress. Good day for America. Bad day for a few fake sickies, but good for America! This will Keep America Great Again! KAGA! Ugly Chuck Schumer is an ANTI-AMERICAN FAKE MAN DEMOCRAT! Whah! Whah!”


humortimes--2020-04-04--A Time for Prayer

A Time for Prayer

We all need to find time for prayer now .
But who to pray to ?
We all remember Dorothy Gale from the Wizard of Oz .
She ’ s the one who , after a discussion with Glinda the good witch , clicked her heals and chanted “ there ’ s no place like home , there ’ s no place like home.
” Well , Dorothy only thought that because she hadn ’ t been quarantined in her house for a month like we have .
Out of desperation , I tried the Glinda ’ s advice with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heels and cried out “ there ’ s no place like the corner pub , there ’ s no place like the corner pub.
” It didn ’ t work .
I ’ m still stuck at home and the pub is still closed .
Due to the pandemic we are all cloistered in our homes with little to do except binge watch Netflix and drink wine .
Some people are working from home which means they first turn on their work computer and then watch Netflix and drink wine .
However , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to do which is find time for prayer , praying to God to end this pandemic .
I started to do this but , with the good Lord getting so many prayers these days , I worried he wouldn ’ t hear mine .
Fortunately I had been an altar boy so I knew a different approach .
I could ask one of the Almighty ’ s patron saints to intercede on my behalf .
Patron saints are chosen to be the special protector or guardian over areas of life such as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
They are selected because of an interest , talent or an event in their lives that relates to what they are to oversee from heaven .
For instance , Saint Joseph was a carpenter and the step-father of Jesus , so naturally he looks after carpenters and fathers .
And Saint Francis of Assisi loved animals , so he became their guardian .
Saint Fiacre is the patron saint of sexually transmitted diseases because… well let ’ s not cast aspersions .
After some research I began to pray to Saint Agrippina @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But my wife pointed out that Agrippina is the patron saint of bacterial diseases and our current pandemic is caused by a virus .
So she is of no use in this emergency .
Next I turned to Saint Agricola of Avignon and Saint Adrian of Nicomedia .
They share duties as patron saints of plagues .
Unfortunately , they are of no use either because plagues are caused by bacteria .
I finally tracked down Saint Roch .
He handles both plagues AND epidemics .
Hallelujah !
He has become the go-to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expect good results from him .
Sadly , the virus wasn ’ t the only crisis that impacted me .
The other problem was my dwindling supply of toilet paper .
At first I wasn ’ t sure which holy being could alleviate this critical shortage .
Due to what appears to be a major oversight by the Catholic Church , there is no saint that handles toilet paper issues .
There is no Saint Charmin !
I considered praying to Saint Vincent Ferrer , the patron saint of plumbers , but asking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a stretch .
Saint Anthony of Padua is often called on by people to assist in finding things .
So I sought his guidance in my quest for more Angel Soft .
I chanted : However , Tony was no help .
I think I missed out due to a technicality .
Saint Anthony helps people find things that they have lost .
I hadn ’ t lost anything .
I just wanted to find more of something .
I considered seeking Saint Hubert ’ s assistance in hunting down more toilet tissue @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I assumed that he would consider me more of a gatherer than a hunter .
I decided not to bother him .
I was soon down to my last 50 rolls .
The situation was getting desperate , so I reached out to Saint Jude , the patron saint of desperate situations .
He was a martyr who was beheaded , so he had some experience with situations almost as dire as mine .
Fortunately , my prayers were answered .
He came through… with a little help from Costco .
St Roch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ service to me .
They can help you too .
And in these difficult times there are other holy beings whose guidance you may need .
Being trapped in your house all day with your spouse may be a problem ( not for me of course as I am married to an angel who may read this article ) .
Your marriage vows mention for better , for worse , for richer , for poorer , in sickness and in health etc .
But it doesn ’ t say anything about being together @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you are having issues with your partner , you can seek help from Saint Edward the Confessor , the patron saint of difficult marriages .
And after you have been sequestered for months with your spouse AND your children it will probably be time to seek counsel from Saint Eugene de Mazenod , who looks after dysfunctional families .
On a serious note , now would be a great time to pray to Saint Camillus de Lellis who protects doctors , nurses and the sick .
And a prayer to Holy Mary , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over the entire human race wouldn ’ t hurt .

We all need to find time for prayer now. But who to pray to?
We all remember Dorothy Gale from the Wizard of Oz. She’s the one who, after a discussion with Glinda the good witch, clicked her heals and chanted “there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.” Well, Dorothy only thought that because she hadn’t been quarantined in her house for a month like we have.
Out of desperation, I tried the Glinda’s advice with a little twist. I clicked my heels and cried out “there’s no place like the corner pub, there’s no place like the corner pub.” It didn’t work. I’m still stuck at home and the pub is still closed.
Due to the pandemic we are all cloistered in our homes with little to do except binge watch Netflix and drink wine. Some people are working from home which means they first turn on their work computer and then watch Netflix and drink wine.
However, there is another thing that we all need to do which is find time for prayer, praying to God to end this pandemic. I started to do this but, with the good Lord getting so many prayers these days, I worried he wouldn’t hear mine. Fortunately I had been an altar boy so I knew a different approach. I could ask one of the Almighty’s patron saints to intercede on my behalf.
Patron saints are chosen to be the special protector or guardian over areas of life such as occupations, illnesses, places or things. They are selected because of an interest, talent or an event in their lives that relates to what they are to oversee from heaven. For instance, Saint Joseph was a carpenter and the step-father of Jesus, so naturally he looks after carpenters and fathers. And Saint Francis of Assisi loved animals, so he became their guardian. Saint Fiacre is the patron saint of sexually transmitted diseases because… well let’s not cast aspersions.
After some research I began to pray to Saint Agrippina to save us from the coronavirus. But my wife pointed out that Agrippina is the patron saint of bacterial diseases and our current pandemic is caused by a virus. So she is of no use in this emergency.
Next I turned to Saint Agricola of Avignon and Saint Adrian of Nicomedia. They share duties as patron saints of plagues. Unfortunately, they are of no use either because plagues are caused by bacteria.
I finally tracked down Saint Roch. He handles both plagues AND epidemics. Hallelujah! He has become the go-to guy for my coronavirus prayers. I expect good results from him.
Sadly, the virus wasn’t the only crisis that impacted me. The other problem was my dwindling supply of toilet paper. At first I wasn’t sure which holy being could alleviate this critical shortage. Due to what appears to be a major oversight by the Catholic Church, there is no saint that handles toilet paper issues. There is no Saint Charmin! I considered praying to Saint Vincent Ferrer, the patron saint of plumbers, but asking him for more toilet paper seemed like a stretch.
Saint Anthony of Padua is often called on by people to assist in finding things. So I sought his guidance in my quest for more Angel Soft. I chanted:
Tony, Tony come around,
I’ve looked all over town
And there’s none to be found.
However, Tony was no help. I think I missed out due to a technicality. Saint Anthony helps people find things that they have lost. I hadn’t lost anything. I just wanted to find more of something.
I considered seeking Saint Hubert’s assistance in hunting down more toilet tissue since he watches over hunters. But I assumed that he would consider me more of a gatherer than a hunter. I decided not to bother him.
I was soon down to my last 50 rolls. The situation was getting desperate, so I reached out to Saint Jude, the patron saint of desperate situations. He was a martyr who was beheaded, so he had some experience with situations almost as dire as mine. Fortunately, my prayers were answered. He came through… with a little help from Costco.
St Roch and Saint Jude have been of great service to me. They can help you too. And in these difficult times there are other holy beings whose guidance you may need. Being trapped in your house all day with your spouse may be a problem (not for me of course as I am married to an angel who may read this article). Your marriage vows mention for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health etc. But it doesn’t say anything about being together 24/7 for months on end. If you are having issues with your partner, you can seek help from Saint Edward the Confessor, the patron saint of difficult marriages. And after you have been sequestered for months with your spouse AND your children it will probably be time to seek counsel from Saint Eugene de Mazenod, who looks after dysfunctional families.
On a serious note, now would be a great time to pray to Saint Camillus de Lellis who protects doctors, nurses and the sick. And a prayer to Holy Mary, the mother of God, who watches over the entire human race wouldn’t hurt.
Stay Safe.


humortimes--2020-04-04--Trump Appoints New DIMM Head to Combat Coronavirus

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Donald Trump today announced the appointment of ardent supporter and long-time contributor Graham Crocker to head the US Department of Innovative Medieval Methodology , otherwise known as DIMM , which will be tasked with combating COVID-19 .
“ DIMM was originally created during the Dick Cheney administration , ” Trump explained , “ by modern-day crusadists investigating medieval torture techniques and etiquette .
Their motto was : ‘ What would Machiavelli do ? '
” “ With the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for DIMM to look backwardly at history for traditional innovative solutions to our modern day problems .
What ’ s really needed is more conservative sense less hysteria and misinformation !
” “ Supposedly you can learn a lot from history , ” the president continued , “ which makes Graham Crocker the perfect leader for DIMM .
Just like that phone call of mine was perfect .
Absolutely and tremendously perfect !
And you can trust me on that because all of my phoney calls are perfect !
I mean phone calls.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Crocker himself addressed the media .
“ I ’ ve spent the last twenty years of my life traveling from town to town as a professional medieval impersonator at various renaissance fairs across our nation .
I ’ m sure many of you recognize me as the host of that hugely popular renaissance festival game show Family Feudal .
And I think that makes me uniquely qualified to lead DIMM into the 21st century .
‘ SURVEY SAYETH ! '
” “ Under my leadership DIMM will be investigating a wide variety @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Some of the most popular of these , such as fart jars and urine baths , might seem quite backward and bizarre by today ’ s standards , but you must remember that people back then were not as sophisticated as we are nowadays , and golden showers hadn ’ t been invented yet .
Even so , there are a number of remedies and treatments from the Middle Ages that we feel the general public might derive some real benefit from.
” “ One of these is self-flagellation .
We ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should start whipping themselves immediately .
It won ’ t help treat the illness , but anyone who gets sick deserves a good beating for making the president look bad.
” “ Another promising therapy involves shaving the rear end of a live chicken , and then attaching it directly to your armpit or groin .
To hold it in place , a small dab of superglue can be applied .
Medieval doctors believed that pressing the bare ass of a live chicken against a patient ’ s skin might possibly siphon off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ body .
Of course it doesn ’ t work , but we ’ re recommending it anyway because having a live chicken attached to your armpit or groin is one of the best ways to insure social-distancing.
” “ We ’ ll also be exploring many other medieval medical options , including prayer , astrology and the occult , as well as various miraculous potions , spells and lucky charms.
” “ There is one other final solution that we ’ ve been studying very carefully , ” concluded Crocker , “ It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ conservatives have been successfully employing throughout history : Kill all the troublemakers !
” A stunned silence followed , which was only broken when one brave reporter asked : “ And how do you know who the troublemakers are ?
” It was President Trump himself who answered .
“ That ’ s easy .
Just find out who wants universal healthcare , racial equality , fair elections and free speech .
Those are the real troublemakers !
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
New DIMM head tasked with combating COVID-19
Donald Trump today announced the appointment of ardent supporter and long-time contributor Graham Crocker to head the US Department of Innovative Medieval Methodology, otherwise known as DIMM, which will be tasked with combating COVID-19.
“DIMM was originally created during the Dick Cheney administration,” Trump explained, “by modern-day crusadists investigating medieval torture techniques and etiquette. Their motto was: ‘What would Machiavelli do?'”
“With the coronavirus crisis it’s once again time for DIMM to look backwardly at history for traditional innovative solutions to our modern day problems. What’s really needed is more conservative sense less hysteria and misinformation!”
“Supposedly you can learn a lot from history,” the president continued, “which makes Graham Crocker the perfect leader for DIMM. Just like that phone call of mine was perfect. Absolutely and tremendously perfect! And you can trust me on that because all of my phoney calls are perfect! I mean phone calls.”
Following Trump’s introductory remarks, Crocker himself addressed the media.
“I’ve spent the last twenty years of my life traveling from town to town as a professional medieval impersonator at various renaissance fairs across our nation. I’m sure many of you recognize me as the host of that hugely popular renaissance festival game show Family Feudal. And I think that makes me uniquely qualified to lead DIMM into the 21st century. ‘SURVEY SAYETH!'”
“Under my leadership DIMM will be investigating a wide variety of medieval medical methods and practices. Some of the most popular of these, such as fart jars and urine baths, might seem quite backward and bizarre by today’s standards, but you must remember that people back then were not as sophisticated as we are nowadays, and golden showers hadn’t been invented yet. Even so, there are a number of remedies and treatments from the Middle Ages that we feel the general public might derive some real benefit from.”
“One of these is self-flagellation. We’re recommending that everybody who catches the coronavirus should start whipping themselves immediately. It won’t help treat the illness, but anyone who gets sick deserves a good beating for making the president look bad.”
“Another promising therapy involves shaving the rear end of a live chicken, and then attaching it directly to your armpit or groin. To hold it in place, a small dab of superglue can be applied. Medieval doctors believed that pressing the bare ass of a live chicken against a patient’s skin might possibly siphon off the sickness into the chicken’s body. Of course it doesn’t work, but we’re recommending it anyway because having a live chicken attached to your armpit or groin is one of the best ways to insure social-distancing.”
“We’ll also be exploring many other medieval medical options, including prayer, astrology and the occult, as well as various miraculous potions, spells and lucky charms.”
“They’re magically delicious!” added Trump.
“There is one other final solution that we’ve been studying very carefully,” concluded Crocker, “It’s a time-honored remedy that us conservatives have been successfully employing throughout history: Kill all the troublemakers!”
A stunned silence followed, which was only broken when one brave reporter asked: “And how do you know who the troublemakers are?”
It was President Trump himself who answered. “That’s easy. Just find out who wants universal healthcare, racial equality, fair elections and free speech. Those are the real troublemakers!”