humortimes--2020-03-13--Donald Trump Raptured by Church of Scientology

Meth-guzzling 60s psychedelic lunatics and dollar-loving all-American Kool Aid hustlers , the “ Church ” of Scientology have show solidarity with fellow morally deranged ( and/or otherwise deranged ) megabucks “ wealth creator ” The Donald , and offered him refuge from political persecution by getting Trump raptured .
As the most oppressed religious minority in the world , not to mention the most oppressed wealth creator minority in the world , we are better placed than anyone in history to truly understand the plight of Skydaddy Donald .
Walking in the path of prophets Jeremiah , Isa , Buddha @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been despised by the elite mainstream , whose narrow conformity has faced an existential threat from our edgy yet nonetheless insufferably humorous and self-righteous trolling operations .
Just as the First and Second Temples of Israel , the pagan Arabs of the Jahiliyya and the old school Brahmins persecuted all who went before , because they thought their bat-shit crazy , bullshit , made-up opinions were somehow the only remotely entertainable vision of the world , so also do normies and haters persecute the Church of Scientology , not because we are wrong @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I mean , if everybody hates you , you know you ’ re doing something right , K ?
!
From L Ron Hubbard to Donald Trump , from Charles Taze Russell to Charles Manson , anyone who is derided by several billion people pretty much HAS to be one of the good guys !
I mean , speaking for myself , I just personally couldn ’ t bear it if not only did the entire world laugh at me 24/7 , but worse still , they were doing it for a REASON @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is BULLSHIT !
I mean hell , we really , really , really don ’ t want to live in that kind of horrible world , do we ?
OF COURSE NOT !
So it necessarily follows from this , that Scientology is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH !
I mean , if you ’ re sick of mainstream , middle of the road normie religions who refuse to push the logic of their faith to their ‘ logical ’ ( ! )
conclusions , then rest assured that the last thing on earth ANY @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by halves , and refuse to follow our reasoning and practices wherever the logical conclusion leads , NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES !
!
!
!
!
Donald Trump , having recently developed a salutary ‘ no praise is bad praise ’ mindset , is said to be seriously considering the proposal , particularly as the Christian Church and other mainstream normie faiths today are so morally compromised .
Several billion who all hate ME obviously can ’ t be right , right ?
The more haters and losers you ’ re confronted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ closer you are to the truth !
Well hey , I kinda like your thinking , bro !
Personally , I ’ m a big fan of the ‘ majority sucks ’ theory on haters , it ’ s one of the best things I ’ ve invented , I ’ m tremendously proud of it , everybody is talking about it , people are saying stuff .
HAPPY !
A likewise edgy Fake News Breitbart op-ed from the Failing Breitbart News says : Of course , many people in the dishonest fake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ following perfectly subjective and refutation-proof assertion as somehow xenophobic , or even outright racist : but the TOM or Thetan-Occupied MSM is quite clearly responsible for these obvious and transparent falsehoods against the Best of Hermaphroditic Gastropods .
And anyways , the very fact likening Trump to Jabba the Hubbard is deemed an INSULT clearly tells you all you need to know about the enemies of the galaxy !
Now we just need to work out where to shove that damn wall !
But then again , as the ancient wisdom says… WITH @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sensible non-senile middle of the road dude Joseph ‘ Steady Joe Biden ’ remarks : Donald Trump and L Ron Hubbard .
One is a demented , highly strung , super-snowflake ( brain ) death cult leader with a puffy , narcotics-addled face , utterly infuriating voice , and a legion of brainwashed zombie tithers , and the other… Oh wait , that joke has been going around ever since we dropped that goddamn iceberg in the volcano !
Nevermind… DO WE STILL GET CORNPOPS ON VENUS ?
?
?
?
?
?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ n ’ get it , Esther Williams !
Great movie by the way , but I ain ’ t no Sauron , you and Xi Jinping can come on over here and I ’ ll kick the shit out of BOTH of you !
Well it worked in that Harry Potter movie !
Star Wars , Spaceballs , you know the one with the all American action hero !
You goddamn horse faced Vader soldier , look at the crowds er… Anyone ?
!
Although Trump has been safely raptured to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be coming to meet him in the clouds very soon .
He just has a few Balrogs of his own to slay first…

Trump raptured: Church of Scientology offers Trump refuge from political persecution.
Meth-guzzling 60s psychedelic lunatics and dollar-loving all-American Kool Aid hustlers, the “Church” of Scientology have show solidarity with fellow morally deranged (and/or otherwise deranged) megabucks “wealth creator” The Donald, and offered him refuge from political persecution by getting Trump raptured.
As the most oppressed religious minority in the world, not to mention the most oppressed wealth creator minority in the world, we are better placed than anyone in history to truly understand the plight of Skydaddy Donald. Walking in the path of prophets Jeremiah, Isa, Buddha and Sri Krishna, we too have been despised by the elite mainstream, whose narrow conformity has faced an existential threat from our edgy yet nonetheless insufferably humorous and self-righteous trolling operations. Just as the First and Second Temples of Israel, the pagan Arabs of the Jahiliyya and the old school Brahmins persecuted all who went before, because they thought their bat-shit crazy, bullshit, made-up opinions were somehow the only remotely entertainable vision of the world, so also do normies and haters persecute the Church of Scientology, not because we are wrong, but because we are right! I mean, if everybody hates you, you know you’re doing something right, K?! From L Ron Hubbard to Donald Trump, from Charles Taze Russell to Charles Manson, anyone who is derided by several billion people pretty much HAS to be one of the good guys! I mean, speaking for myself, I just personally couldn’t bear it if not only did the entire world laugh at me 24/7, but worse still, they were doing it for a REASON! Because everything I say and do is BULLSHIT! I mean hell, we really, really, really don’t want to live in that kind of horrible world, do we? OF COURSE NOT! So it necessarily follows from this, that Scientology is the ABSOLUTE TRUTH! I mean, if you’re sick of mainstream, middle of the road normie religions who refuse to push the logic of their faith to their ‘logical’ (!) conclusions, then rest assured that the last thing on earth ANY true Scientologist will do is do things by halves, and refuse to follow our reasoning and practices wherever the logical conclusion leads, NO MATTER WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES!!!!!
Donald Trump, having recently developed a salutary ‘no praise is bad praise’ mindset, is said to be seriously considering the proposal, particularly as the Christian Church and other mainstream normie faiths today are so morally compromised.
Several billion who all hate ME obviously can’t be right, right? The more haters and losers you’re confronted with day and daily, the more closer you are to the truth! Well hey, I kinda like your thinking, bro! Personally, I’m a big fan of the ‘majority sucks’ theory on haters, it’s one of the best things I’ve invented, I’m tremendously proud of it, everybody is talking about it, people are saying stuff. HAPPY!
A likewise edgy Fake News Breitbart op-ed from the Failing Breitbart News says:
Of course, many people in the dishonest fake news media will try to spin the following perfectly subjective and refutation-proof assertion as somehow xenophobic, or even outright racist: but the TOM or Thetan-Occupied MSM is quite clearly responsible for these obvious and transparent falsehoods against the Best of Hermaphroditic Gastropods. And anyways, the very fact likening Trump to Jabba the Hubbard is deemed an INSULT clearly tells you all you need to know about the enemies of the galaxy! Now we just need to work out where to shove that damn wall! But then again, as the ancient wisdom says… WITH IMAGINATION, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE! Man up, normies!
Sensible non-senile middle of the road dude Joseph ‘Steady Joe Biden’ remarks:
Donald Trump and L Ron Hubbard. One is a demented, highly strung, super-snowflake (brain) death cult leader with a puffy, narcotics-addled face, utterly infuriating voice, and a legion of brainwashed zombie tithers, and the other…
Oh wait, that joke has been going around ever since we dropped that goddamn iceberg in the volcano! Nevermind… DO WE STILL GET CORNPOPS ON VENUS?????? Well we learned a lot! Come ‘n’ get it, Esther Williams! Great movie by the way, but I ain’t no Sauron, you and Xi Jinping can come on over here and I’ll kick the shit out of BOTH of you! Well it worked in that Harry Potter movie! Star Wars, Spaceballs, you know the one with the all American action hero! You goddamn horse faced Vader soldier, look at the crowds er… Anyone?!
Although Trump has been safely raptured to the Mothership, we are confident Joe will be coming to meet him in the clouds very soon. He just has a few Balrogs of his own to slay first…
Originally published on Glossy News.


humortimes--2020-03-13--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host , fresh off his live stage show in NYC , interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and Vice President Joe Biden .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Give me the microphone , you idiot .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today my guests are Senator Bernie Sanders and Vice President Joe Biden .
Good morning , fellas .
I want to give a shout out to Pete Buddaduda , Boot the gig .
Oh hell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as president .
And Senator Amy Klobuchar for delivering the state of Minnesota .
It ’ s so cold there that everyone goes to the ice arena just to warm up .
Big whoops .
I won California .
The only difference between the Titanic and California is that when the Titanic sank the lights were still on .
Bernie .
You believe in Medicare for all .
Joe .
You say we should have a public option , but people can stay on their own health plan .
What will all this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nickel more than they are paying now .
In fact , it will cost less and save 69,000 lives a year .
We would spend $ 3 trillion dollars or about $ 460 billion less a year .
Did you get that figure out of MAD magazine ?
Look .
It would be fiscally irresponsible , because you would have to raise taxes on the middle class .
The Medicare bill would cost $ 3 to $ 4 dollars over a decade .
I mean $ 300 to $ 400 a decade .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ trillion a decade .
Let me tell you a short story .
The show is only an hour , Bernster .
I ’ ll make it quick .
When I was a young boy .
When I was a young boy .
My father rushed me to the hospital for a tonsillectomy .
The doctor removed my tonsils then put them back when he found out my old man couldn ’ t pay the bill .
Thank goodness our neighbor had pliers .
That ’ s why I ’ m fighting for Medicare @ @ @ @ @ @ @ think it ’ s strange that you two fellas and Trump are in your 70 ’ s ?
Here ’ s the deal .
Trump doesn ’ t dye his hair .
He ’ s just prematurely orange .
Sorry , Joe .
I was trying to score points .
Bernster .
If you lose the primaries next Super Tuesday , it ’ s over .
I ’ ll win Florida .
The Bubbies love me .
They think I ’ m Larry David .
I got Arizona in the bag .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hell.
” And I ’ ll win the rest of the primary states .
You ’ re dreaming .
But look .
Why are we arguing with each other ?
We need to focus on the Trumpster .
I agree .
There ’ s a shortage of toilet paper in America .
What ’ s Trump going to do without it ?
He ’ s full of shit .
I know Trump has diarrhea of the mouth .
God only knows what comes out of his rear .
KFC and McDonalds .
Flush @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a long way to Mar-A-Lago .
Vote for Bernie Sanders.
” Still crazy after all these years.
” There ’ s a message on my phone .
Donald Trump just declared the Corona Beer plant the epicenter of the coronavirus .
Wait , there ’ s more !
He called up the National Guard to quarantine Corona , California .
The man is a stable genius .
Genius ?
There ’ s a fine line between genius and insanity .
Trump erased the line .
I ’ m the real genius .
People @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
You ’ re no genius .
I heard you went to Walgreens and complained to the manager that the walls weren ’ t green .
Yes , I did .
It ’ s deceptive advertising .
Walgreens , if you ’ re listening .
Lower your drug costs !
I ’ ve been buying Viagra for my sunburn .
It doesn ’ t cure it , but keeps the sheets off my legs at night .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host, fresh off his live stage show in NYC, interviews Senator Bernie Sanders and Vice President Joe Biden.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
Feel the Bern.
JERRY
Give me the microphone, you idiot.
JERRY
Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today my guests are Senator Bernie Sanders and Vice President Joe Biden. Good morning, fellas.
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
I want to give a shout out to Pete Buddaduda, Boot the gig. Oh hell, Mayor Pete. For endorsing me as president. And Senator Amy Klobuchar for delivering the state of Minnesota.
SANDERS
It’s so cold there that everyone goes to the ice arena just to warm up. Big whoops. I won California.
BIDEN
The only difference between the Titanic and California is that when the Titanic sank the lights were still on.
JERRY
Bernie. You believe in Medicare for all. Joe. You say we should have a public option, but people can stay on their own health plan. What will all this cost the American taxpayer?
SANDERS
Not a nickel more than they are paying now. In fact, it will cost less and save 69,000 lives a year. We would spend $3 trillion dollars or about $460 billion less a year.
BIDEN
Did you get that figure out of MAD magazine? Look. It would be fiscally irresponsible, because you would have to raise taxes on the middle class. The Medicare bill would cost $3 to $4 dollars over a decade. I mean $300 to $400 a decade. I meant $30 to $40 trillion a decade.
SANDERS
Let me tell you a short story.
JERRY
The show is only an hour, Bernster.
SANDERS
I’ll make it quick. When I was a young boy.
JERRY
George Washington was president.
SANDERS
Excuse me. I didn’t interrupt you.
BIDEN
That’s a first. Congratulations.
SANDERS
When I was a young boy. My father rushed me to the hospital for a tonsillectomy. The doctor removed my tonsils then put them back when he found out my old man couldn’t pay the bill. Thank goodness our neighbor had pliers. That’s why I’m fighting for Medicare for all.
JERRY
Don’t you think it’s strange that you two fellas and Trump are in your 70’s?
BIDEN
Here’s the deal. Trump doesn’t dye his hair. He’s just prematurely orange.
SANDERS
Joe has hair plugs.
BIDEN
I do not, Professor Numb Nuts.
SANDERS
Sorry, Joe. I was trying to score points.
JERRY
Bernster. If you lose the primaries next Super Tuesday, it’s over.
SANDERS
I’ll win Florida. The Bubbies love me. They think I’m Larry David.
BIDEN
I got Arizona in the bag. The only state where the thermostat says “hell.”
SANDERS
And I’ll win the rest of the primary states.
BIDEN
You’re dreaming. But look. Why are we arguing with each other? We need to focus on the Trumpster.
SANDERS
I agree. There’s a shortage of toilet paper in America. What’s Trump going to do without it? He’s full of shit.
BIDEN
I know Trump has diarrhea of the mouth. God only knows what comes out of his rear.
SANDERS
KFC and McDonalds. Flush hard, Donald. It’s a long way to Mar-A-Lago.
BIDEN
Vote for Joe Biden. “The lean, mean gaff machine.”
SANDERS
Vote for Bernie Sanders.”Still crazy after all these years.”
JERRY
There’s a message on my phone. Donald Trump just declared the Corona Beer plant the epicenter of the coronavirus. Wait, there’s more! He called up the National Guard to quarantine Corona, California. The man is a stable genius.
SANDERS
Genius? There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. Trump erased the line. I’m the real genius. People tell me I look like Albert Einstein.
BIDEN
You’re no genius. I heard you went to Walgreens and complained to the manager that the walls weren’t green.
SANDERS
Yes, I did. It’s deceptive advertising. Walgreens, if you’re listening. Lower your drug costs! I’ve been buying Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it, but keeps the sheets off my legs at night.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-03-14--Contagious Coronavirus Victim Touring the USA in His Chevrolet

After calling others weak and lazy for hitting the airports , coronavirus victim says he ’ ll “ Do it the hard way.
” ATLANTA — Just days after a Jet Blue passenger was banned from the airline for knowingly flying the friendly skies while contagious , another coronavirus victim is taking a different approach .
After testing positive , Peter Johnson is making plans to tour the USA in his Chevrolet .
“ Spreading this by way of airports and cruise ships is taking the easy way out .
And don ’ t even get me started on international @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lazy , ” Johnson said as he was getting ready to leave his Atlanta home .
“ I ’ m going to roll up my sleeves and do this the hard way .
I will be shaking hands and kissing babies from here to LA.
” Johnson won ’ t be traveling alone either .
He has hired three tractor-trailer drivers to follow him on his cross-country adventure .
“ Yep , we will be hitting every store in sight .
I ’ m going to pack those trucks full of bottled water @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out of water .
Toilet paper , toothpaste , and cans of tuna are on the list too , ” Johnson stated .
When asked whether he will be distributing his supplies to those who need them , he scoffed at the idea .
“ Heck no , it ’ s every man for himself .
I ’ m going to be stocked up for 30 years .
And those smelly truck drivers who will be following me are on their own .
”

After calling others weak and lazy for hitting the airports, coronavirus victim says he’ll “Do it the hard way.”
ATLANTA — Just days after a Jet Blue passenger was banned from the airline for knowingly flying the friendly skies while contagious, another coronavirus victim is taking a different approach. After testing positive, Peter Johnson is making plans to tour the USA in his Chevrolet.
“Spreading this by way of airports and cruise ships is taking the easy way out. And don’t even get me started on international flights, those are for the truly lazy,” Johnson said as he was getting ready to leave his Atlanta home. “I’m going to roll up my sleeves and do this the hard way. I will be shaking hands and kissing babies from here to LA.”
Johnson won’t be traveling alone either. He has hired three tractor-trailer drivers to follow him on his cross-country adventure. “Yep, we will be hitting every store in sight. I’m going to pack those trucks full of bottled water, just in case the earth runs out of water. Toilet paper, toothpaste, and cans of tuna are on the list too,” Johnson stated.
When asked whether he will be distributing his supplies to those who need them, he scoffed at the idea. “Heck no, it’s every man for himself. I’m going to be stocked up for 30 years. And those smelly truck drivers who will be following me are on their own.”


humortimes--2020-03-14--Hey Republicans! It’s Jesus! Did Ya Miss Me?

A message from Jesus addressed to Republicans was recently forwarded by an anonymous source .
Here it is .
Hi there it ’ s Jesus , and I have a special reunion message !
The good news is , thanks to the Supreme Court , abortion in America is gon na end !
The bad news is , no more kids are gon na be born anyway , because… Y ’ know , nukes ‘ n ’ stuff .
Kudos for the 6th Commandment effort , but it looks like the bottom block , the 1st commandment went off the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you know how Jenga works , right ?
?
?
Look guys , no hard feelings .
I said ALL the commandments were important , not just the ones that suited us at the time .
I ALSO said , if you ’ d forgotten already ( really ?
Yeah , whatever ! )
that you do NOT follow any false gods .
Yes , that includes morons who call themselves the chosen one as a ‘ joke.
’ Do I look happy now ?
I mean sorry guys , you messed up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I HATE abortion as much as you guys do , it ’ s kinda a big thing in the religion I brought to you .
But there are some other things that are important too , but I guess you ’ ll have a bit of a chance to reacquaint yourself with those later on .
Oh wait , did I say a ‘ bit of a chance ?
’ But as this is just a bit of a shall we say , ‘ flying visit , ’ I ’ m afraid I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
LATER !
We ’ ll have plenty of time to discuss things when I ’ ve finally cleaned the planet up .
I ’ m no Scott Morrison of course , and the same thing applies in reverse… And I ’ m gon na be pretty non-partisan about it too .
I mean , c ’ mon people !
I said like a MILLION times , if you get everything else wrong , if you rob , lie , blitz your nostrils , destroy your liver , never do a day ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then if nothing else , I repeat NOTHING ELSE , please , PLEASE for the love of God… Do NOT follow anyone who says the Messiah is on Earth , and not in Heaven !
No false Messiahs ; oh but that ’ s the negotiable bit ?
Sorry , I kinda meant to leave yeah , but maybe now , while we ’ re at it… AND ONLY , AS IT SO TURNS OUT , THE VERY BEGINNING OF IT ALL…

A message from Jesus addressed to Republicans was recently forwarded by an anonymous source. Here it is.
Hi there it’s Jesus, and I have a special reunion message!
The good news is, thanks to the Supreme Court, abortion in America is gonna end!
The bad news is, no more kids are gonna be born anyway, because… Y’know, nukes ‘n’ stuff.
Kudos for the 6th Commandment effort, but it looks like the bottom block, the 1st commandment went off the reservation while you were sleeping: and you know how Jenga works, right???
Look guys, no hard feelings. I said ALL the commandments were important, not just the ones that suited us at the time.
I ALSO said, if you’d forgotten already (really? Yeah, whatever!) that you do NOT follow any false gods.
PERIOD.
Yes, that includes morons who call themselves the chosen one as a ‘joke.’
Who’s laughing now?
Do I look happy now?
I mean sorry guys, you messed up.
BIGLY!
Nope. Not funny!
I mean, I gotcha! I HATE abortion as much as you guys do, it’s kinda a big thing in the religion I brought to you.
But there are some other things that are important too, but I guess you’ll have a bit of a chance to reacquaint yourself with those later on.
Oh wait, did I say a ‘bit of a chance?’
A loooooooong time!
But as this is just a bit of a shall we say, ‘flying visit,’ I’m afraid I can’t say much for now.
LATER! We’ll have plenty of time to discuss things when I’ve finally cleaned the planet up.
I’m no Scott Morrison of course, and the same thing applies in reverse…
And I’m gonna be pretty non-partisan about it too.
I mean, c’mon people! I said like a MILLION times, if you get everything else wrong, if you rob, lie, blitz your nostrils, destroy your liver, never do a day’s honest work in your life, then if nothing else, I repeat NOTHING ELSE, please, PLEASE for the love of God…
Do NOT follow anyone who says the Messiah is on Earth, and not in Heaven!
No false Messiahs; oh but that’s the negotiable bit?
Sorry, I kinda meant to leave yeah, but maybe now, while we’re at it…
BOOM!
THE END
…
AND ONLY, AS IT SO TURNS OUT, THE VERY BEGINNING OF IT ALL…
Originally published on Glossy News Satire.


humortimes--2020-03-14--Donald Trump to Divorce Melania, Elope with Nancy Pelosi

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
An intercepted communique from the Schnotzelvakain Secret Service revealed a scenario in which current United States President Donald Trump is planning to divorce his wife Melania and elope to Schnotzelvakia with political rival and secret squeeze Nancy Pelosi .
Plans call for the President and Mrs. Pelosi to secretly fly from Dubuque , Iowa to the famed resort city of Rhoxxbhutty , Schnotzelvakia .
Dubuque was chosen because there is a feeling that the American Secret Service was unaware @ @ @ @ @ @ @ soil , Mr. Trump and Mrs. Pelosi would obtain quickie Schnotzelvakian divorces and then be married by the Chaplain of the Schnotzelvakian Horse Hockey League .
Plans say that the couple would then engage in the ancient Schnotzelvakian wedding ritual , the dung bath , before honeymooning .
Plans also call for Mr. Trump to leave his good buddy and best man Vladimir Putin in charge of the U.S. Government while he is away .
This article is part of the “ Dispatches from SNN ” ( Slobovian News Network ) series .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ stories : Bill Cosby to be Charged in Rape of the Sabine Women Remains of Cleopatra ’ s Asp Found Elvis Found Alive and Working in a Donut Shop in NJ Carona Virus Caused by Having Sex and Constantly Diddling with Cell Phones

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Intercepted communique reveals president’s plans to elope with Nancy Pelosi.
An intercepted communique from the Schnotzelvakain Secret Service revealed a scenario in which current United States President Donald Trump is planning to divorce his wife Melania and elope to Schnotzelvakia with political rival and secret squeeze Nancy Pelosi.
Plans call for the President and Mrs. Pelosi to secretly fly from Dubuque, Iowa to the famed resort city of Rhoxxbhutty, Schnotzelvakia. Dubuque was chosen because there is a feeling that the American Secret Service was unaware that it existed.
Once on Schnotzelvakian soil, Mr. Trump and Mrs. Pelosi would obtain quickie Schnotzelvakian divorces and then be married by the Chaplain of the Schnotzelvakian Horse Hockey League. Plans say that the couple would then engage in the ancient Schnotzelvakian wedding ritual, the dung bath, before honeymooning.
Plans also call for Mr. Trump to leave his good buddy and best man Vladimir Putin in charge of the U.S. Government while he is away.
This article is part of the “Dispatches from SNN” (Slobovian News Network) series.
SNN is currently working on the following stories:
Bill Cosby to be Charged in Rape of the Sabine Women
Remains of Cleopatra’s Asp Found
Elvis Found Alive and Working in a Donut Shop in NJ
Carona Virus Caused by Having Sex and Constantly Diddling with Cell Phones
Current Job Openings at SNN:


humortimes--2020-03-14--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: If You Can’t Stand the Heat, Stay Out of Women’s Vaginas!

… we have a small favor to ask .
More and more people are reading the Humor Times , but advertising revenues for internet sites everywhere keep falling .
And unlike so many other websites , we have not put up a paywall -- we want to keep this much-loved ( and much-needed ! )
political humor free , if possible !
So you can see why we need to ask for your help .
The Humor Times ' unique content takes a lot of time and effort to produce ... but we do it because we believe uncompromising political @ @ @ @ @ @ @ days .
If everyone who reads and likes our website helps fund it , we can continue to help people laugh at the news , rather than cry about it !
For as little as $ 1 , you can support the Humor Times – and it only takes a minute .
Thank you !
Or , please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter via our Patreon Page , contributing a certain amount each month .
You can do it for as long or as short a time as you like .
It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

Predators and legislators, STAY OUT!
Trump is the anti-Rodney Dangerfield; he don’t give no respect!
Those that swagger in often stagger out.
Trump vs. Stormy: Thugs vs. Jugs.
Just call him the Hate White Grope.
Politics makes for strange bad fellows.
Scoundrels only answer to a lower power.
Brett Kavanaugh represents the supreme wart.
ERA for women: Equal Respect, Already!
Don’t abort women’s rights.
This administration consistently demonstrates ignorant skills.
The coronavirus is a worldwide bandemic.
Trump always makes the nuisance he’s an idiot.
Careful! Tarriffied economies can easily slip into depression.
Trump trade policies: A bullshitter in a China shop.
Wall Street panic crashes in it’s chips.
There’s a logical explanation for everything. Except people.
My imaginary childhood friend grew-up to become an unrealtor.
Why did the mannequin cross the road? To get to her plastic surgeon.
To be free, give yourself a way.


humortimes--2020-03-15--After Video Review, General George Custer Declared Winner of the Battle of the Little Big Horn

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Long-lost video of the Battle of Little Big Horn disqualifies Chief Sitting Bull , gives victory to General George Custer .
Scientists at The University of Stanchk recovered a long-lost and unknown video copy of the famed Battle of Little Big Horn between the Sioux Indian tribe and the United States Calvary .
The video was reportedly taken by a visitor from the planet Zardoc , who reportedly stumbled on the battle while visiting earth and looking for Buffalo @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the violent Earth , he left the video behind .
At some point , the video was acquired by Bat Masterson IV , discovered at a flea market in Bismark , South Dakota .
Someone had taped 21 episodes of the sixties sitcom My Mother the Car over the battle .
Stanchk University crapologist Dr. Uppdah Asse was able to restore the battle scenes , and he forwarded them to NFL Films for review .
They determined that during the 20 minute battle , Sioux Chief Sitting Bull used several ineligible braves .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ forced to vacate the victory .
One warrior in question was Pink Wolf , who was not a warrior , but was actually a war-drummer who had been previously been disciplined for wearing the wrong shade of war paint at the Battle of Big Gulch .
Also in question was the status of Big Spear , who had been suspended by the SWA ( Sioux Warriors Association ) for non payment of dues and for violating Scalping Rules .
This article is part of the “ Dispatches from SNN ” ( Slobovian News @ @ @ @ @ @ @ working on the following stories : • The Hound of the Baskervilles Had Fleas • Mr. Ed Arrested in Death of Horses at Santa Monica Race Track • Technical Oodlefarquiist ( Must have degree from Slobovian 7 year university and X83 Slobovian Secret Service clearence .
Must speak Schnotzelvakian , Jive and Doowop . )

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Long-lost video of the Battle of Little Big Horn disqualifies Chief Sitting Bull, gives victory to General George Custer.
Scientists at The University of Stanchk recovered a long-lost and unknown video copy of the famed Battle of Little Big Horn between the Sioux Indian tribe and the United States Calvary.
The video was reportedly taken by a visitor from the planet Zardoc, who reportedly stumbled on the battle while visiting earth and looking for Buffalo Wings. In his haste to leave the violent Earth, he left the video behind.
At some point, the video was acquired by Bat Masterson IV, discovered at a flea market in Bismark, South Dakota. Someone had taped 21 episodes of the sixties sitcom My Mother the Car over the battle.
Stanchk University crapologist Dr. Uppdah Asse was able to restore the battle scenes, and he forwarded them to NFL Films for review. They determined that during the 20 minute battle, Sioux Chief Sitting Bull used several ineligible braves. He has therefore has been disqualified and forced to vacate the victory.
One warrior in question was Pink Wolf, who was not a warrior, but was actually a war-drummer who had been previously been disciplined for wearing the wrong shade of war paint at the Battle of Big Gulch.
Also in question was the status of Big Spear, who had been suspended by the SWA (Sioux Warriors Association) for non payment of dues and for violating Scalping Rules.
This article is part of the “Dispatches from SNN” (Slobovian News Network) series.
SNN is currently working on the following stories:
Star Spangled Banner Written by Lennon and McCartney
Elvis Was Really a Black Woman Named Lucille
The Hound of the Baskervilles Had Fleas
Mr. Ed Arrested in Death of Horses at Santa Monica Race Track
Current Job Openings at SNN:


humortimes--2020-03-15--American Political Landscape: The End Justifies the Meanie

As a Canadian looking in on the American political landscape , all I can say is what the hell happened ?
Growing up in northern New York State sixty years ago , I came to respect your republican form of government and the system of checks and balances that assured a slow but steady progress toward a better society .
Back then , integrity , honesty and compromise were the political watchwords of the day .
Today I can ’ t even recognize a shadow of America ’ s former self .
The White House is occupied by a serial @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
That fact alone should have caused widespread shame throughout the American populace and long ago resulted in his removal from office .
What is puzzling , however , is that forty per cent of the electorate still supports the President regardless of what immoral or illegal action he engages in .
And the most shameful aspect of this fall from grace is the fact that Republican legislators , almost without exception , fall in lockstep with the man .
Canada , like the United Kingdom , has a parliamentary form of government @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to ensure a workable democracy .
One of those conventions is that if a Minister of the Crown ( including the Prime Minister ) commits an egregious offense , he or she will resign .
It used to be that your country followed a similar approach to governance .
If a politician was caught red-handed in an illegal or immoral situation , they would give up their office and face the music .
Whether it was a sexual , political or financial offense , officeholders generally did the right thing when exposed .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Anthony Weiner , Scooter Libby and Karl Rove .
That code of honor does not seem to have entirely disappeared as evidenced by the case of Al Franken .
The Minnesota senator stepped down after evidence came to light of what appeared to be a minor sexual indiscretion .
Even Richard Nixon can be given some minor credit for resigning in the face of an almost certain impeachment and conviction .
At the very least , he recognized his ethical and legal failures and accepted the consequences .
But now all bets are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who has violated more laws and political norms than any previous White House occupant .
In fact , in one regard , he may have achieved his self-assessment as the greatest of all time in that he likely has totaled more offenses than all of his predecessors combined .
How did we get to this sad place in American history ?
How did a once great nation end up in an amoral political swamp and become the laughingstock of the world ?
Could it have been Ronald Reagan ’ s escape from punishment @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was George W. Bush ’ s ability to sidestep responsibility for the Iraq War .
Whatever the reason , it appears that America has sunk to a level of unethical behavior not seen since the Confederacy ’ s war to save slavery .
There now appears to be no level of immorality or illegality that will sink the current President .
We all laughed when Trump said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it .
Well , it ’ s no laughing matter anymore .
Sadly , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his Republican enablers ( and maybe even the politicized Supreme Court ) would likely say you can ’ t charge a sitting President with a crime .
I don ’ t know what the solution is to this tragic situation .
I can only hope that enough Republicans and evangelical voters will search their consciences and do the right thing .
Or maybe the Democrats will finally get their act together and remove this stain on the American polity .
If not , and Mr. Trump gets four more years ( and maybe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I hope that God will not only save our Queen but that He will also save America from itself .

As a Canadian looking in on the American political landscape, all I can say is what the hell happened?
Growing up in northern New York State sixty years ago, I came to respect your republican form of government and the system of checks and balances that assured a slow but steady progress toward a better society. Back then, integrity, honesty and compromise were the political watchwords of the day.
Today I can’t even recognize a shadow of America’s former self. The White House is occupied by a serial liar, adulterer, fraudster and racist. That fact alone should have caused widespread shame throughout the American populace and long ago resulted in his removal from office.
What is puzzling, however, is that forty per cent of the electorate still supports the President regardless of what immoral or illegal action he engages in. And the most shameful aspect of this fall from grace is the fact that Republican legislators, almost without exception, fall in lockstep with the man.
Canada, like the United Kingdom, has a parliamentary form of government that relies on certain customs and conventions to ensure a workable democracy. One of those conventions is that if a Minister of the Crown (including the Prime Minister) commits an egregious offense, he or she will resign.
It used to be that your country followed a similar approach to governance. If a politician was caught red-handed in an illegal or immoral situation, they would give up their office and face the music.
Whether it was a sexual, political or financial offense, officeholders generally did the right thing when exposed. Consider the fate of such miscreants as Anthony Weiner, Scooter Libby and Karl Rove.
That code of honor does not seem to have entirely disappeared as evidenced by the case of Al Franken. The Minnesota senator stepped down after evidence came to light of what appeared to be a minor sexual indiscretion.
Even Richard Nixon can be given some minor credit for resigning in the face of an almost certain impeachment and conviction. At the very least, he recognized his ethical and legal failures and accepted the consequences.
But now all bets are off. You have a sitting President who has violated more laws and political norms than any previous White House occupant. In fact, in one regard, he may have achieved his self-assessment as the greatest of all time in that he likely has totaled more offenses than all of his predecessors combined.
How did we get to this sad place in American history? How did a once great nation end up in an amoral political swamp and become the laughingstock of the world?
Could it have been Ronald Reagan’s escape from punishment in the Iran-Contra Affair? Or maybe it was George W. Bush’s ability to sidestep responsibility for the Iraq War.
Whatever the reason, it appears that America has sunk to a level of unethical behavior not seen since the Confederacy’s war to save slavery. There now appears to be no level of immorality or illegality that will sink the current President.
We all laughed when Trump said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and get away with it. Well, it’s no laughing matter anymore. Sadly, he probably could do just that and his Republican enablers (and maybe even the politicized Supreme Court) would likely say you can’t charge a sitting President with a crime.
I don’t know what the solution is to this tragic situation. I can only hope that enough Republicans and evangelical voters will search their consciences and do the right thing. Or maybe the Democrats will finally get their act together and remove this stain on the American polity.
If not, and Mr. Trump gets four more years (and maybe more, as some have predicted), I hope that God will not only save our Queen but that He will also save America from itself.


humortimes--2020-03-15--Dr. Anthony Fauci – Our Little Old Italian Shoe Cobbler

With deep respect , I satirically envision Immune Scientist & Man of the hour , Dr. Anthony Fauci – as a sweet , little old Italian Shoe Cobbler in his store when Vice President Mike Pence walks in with Donald Trump ’ s shoes… What can you do with this sole ?
Ima gon na tell ya – it doesn ’ t look good .
But the sign says , ‘ I CAN FIX ANYTHING ’ !
Maybe without the Lifts – no , it looks like a lost causa .
Look , how about ‘ temporary ’ – make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guy – I ’ m proud of my work – no quicka fix .
Wait a minute , I have a coupon here somewhere !
I don ’ t give out coupons – my work speaks for itself .
All you have to do is make it look like a real sole .
If you want half-ass work ; I ’ m not your guy .
Okay , where can I buy new ones just like these ?
Ha ha !
Are youa kidding me – they went out with High Button… You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ job of telling him ?
You lie in bed with fleasa… I… I don ’ t lie in bed with anything !
Maybe that ’ s the problem .
Next !

With deep respect, I satirically envision Immune Scientist & Man of the hour, Dr. Anthony Fauci – as a sweet, little old Italian Shoe Cobbler in his store when Vice President Mike Pence walks in with Donald Trump’s shoes…
MIKE PENCE
What can you do with this sole?
DR. ANTHONY FAUCI
Ima gonna tell ya – it doesn’t look good.
PENCE
But the sign says, ‘I CAN FIX ANYTHING’!
DR. FAUCI
Maybe without the Lifts – no, it looks like a lost causa.
PENCE
Look, how about ‘temporary’ – make it last till November.
DR. FAUCI
Ima honest guy – I’m proud of my work – no quicka fix.
PENCE
Wait a minute, I have a coupon here somewhere!
DR. FAUCI
I don’t give out coupons – my work speaks for itself.
PENCE
All you have to do is make it look like a real sole.
DR. FAUCI
If you want half-ass work; I’m not your guy.
PENCE
Okay, where can I buy new ones just like these?
DR. FAUCI
Ha ha! Are youa kidding me – they went out with High Button…
PENCE
You mean I’m stuck with the job of telling him?
DR. FAUCI
You lie in bed with fleasa…
PENCE
I… I don’t lie in bed with anything!
DR. FAUCI
Maybe that’s the problem. Next!


humortimes--2020-03-16--Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/16/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/16/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will reduce seating capacity at its auditoriums by 50 % starting Saturday And , a special thank you to “ Cats ” for starting this trend .
Looks like his next company ’ s is going to be called ‘ MiraMaximum Security !
’ Andrew Gillum linked to meth overdose with two other men in South Beach hotel Say this for Gilliam , if you were gon na get caught with two guys and meth in a South Beach Hotel and wanted as little press as possible , this would be the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his re-election bid Trump ’ s campaign slogan oughta be ‘ Orange is the New Black Plague.
’ Don ’ t worry , he ’ s ok , people have been social distancing from Newt for decades .
U.S Stock Market suffers worst crash since 1987 , as Americans wake up to a new normal of life Damn , checking the Stock Market is now so painful , the S & P needs to change its name to the S & M .
Or , as R Squared calls , it “ What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says he took coronavirus test , result negative I ’ m not saying Trump ’ s Coronavirus test was bullshit , but the results also got him into USC .
Unless you had someone else use their birth certificate .
NY Post : “ Faster than it looks : ” Loose Florida cow keeps evading police … that sounds like slut shaming to me… US and Canadian jets intercept Russian reconnaissance aircraft off Alaska While the rest of us wait for confirmation from Sarah Palin .
Mexico is considering closing its border to @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
AMC says it will reduce seating capacity at its auditoriums by 50% starting Saturday
And, a special thank you to “Cats” for starting this trend.
Weinstein gets 23 years
Looks like his next company’s is going to be called ‘MiraMaximum Security!’
Andrew Gillum linked to meth overdose with two other men in South Beach hotel
Say this for Gilliam, if you were gonna get caught with two guys and meth in a South Beach Hotel and wanted as little press as possible, this would be the time.
Trump campaign fears coronavirus will hurt his re-election bid
Trump’s campaign slogan oughta be ‘Orange is the New Black Plague.’
Actor Steven Seagal charged with unlawfully touting digital asset offering
Who’s ‘Above the Law’ now, dude?!
Newt Gingrich is in Italy
Don’t worry, he’s ok, people have been social distancing from Newt for decades.
U.S Stock Market suffers worst crash since 1987, as Americans wake up to a new normal of life
Damn, checking the Stock Market is now so painful, the S&P needs to change its name to the S&M.
National Pi Day
Or, as R Squared calls, it “What about Me? Day!”
Trump says he took coronavirus test, result negative
I’m not saying Trump’s Coronavirus test was bullshit, but the results also got him into USC.
Purell has fragrance-free hand wipes
Don’t get any ideas, Gwyneth Paltrow!!!
Happy 70th Birthday, William H. Macy
Unless you had someone else use their birth certificate.
NY Post: “Faster than it looks:” Loose Florida cow keeps evading police
… that sounds like slut shaming to me…
US and Canadian jets intercept Russian reconnaissance aircraft off Alaska
While the rest of us wait for confirmation from Sarah Palin.
Mexico is considering closing its border to stop Americans bringing coronavirus into its country
… And make Canada pay for it…


Future Trump Tweets

Here are some future Trump tweets you ’ re bound to see , based on a scientific analysis of his historical tweeting habits .
Libraries are a major place for the fake media to place their destructive materials .
After all , the very word ‘ Library ” begins with “ lie.
” Something to think about .
I am smarter and know more than all our Intelligence Agencies .
That fact has been proven out , like for instance when they said that Putin was trying to influence our elections .
I told them , “ No he isn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ friend of mine.
” And that shut them up .
I am sure they were astonished .
I am so smart that I think I will adopt the title ‘ The Most Intelligent Leader.
’ I think that sounds right .
I will make sure anyone visiting me will use that phrase to address me .
People ask me why I am chums with dictators like Putin and Duerte and Erdogan .
That is because they know how to hold a country together .
And that is the only thing that really matters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kill a few people along the way ?
Why do I write so many books ?
That is because I have to make sure people know how great I am .
Plus they give me money for them .
What two better reasons could there be ?
I don ’ t see anything wrong with me being a President for Life .
Think how much tax payer money will be saved from not having an inauguration every four years .
What is wrong with having more than one wife ?
Mormons do it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those old guys in the Old Testament did it .
You all know how religious a guy I am ; so if they can do it , I think it is OK with me getting another wife or two .
I am getting backlash still over things I said during the Obama era .
I still have Dems asking me if I am from Mars .
I appreciate all of you my supporters who have been trying to come to Mar-o Lago to visit me .
Just please remember to come around to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have more than $ 50 million .
Then by all means come ring the front door bell .
A lot of you have been asking why I don ’ t wear my MAGA hat when I go to meet foreign leaders .
That is because they are classy guys and I have to be a classy guy when I am with them .
Back here when I am with my fans I can do my regular old blue collar guy shtick .
I would like to build a wall around Washington , D.C. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And I will make them pay for it .
Many wonder why I support the Israelis instead of the Palestinians .
That is because the Israelis have more money and power .
Duh !
!
!
!
The reason I am getting a divorce from Melania is because it turns out she is a spy .
Remember she is from Slovenia .
I turned her in myself .
Don ’ t worry ; I will have a new wife in a few weeks .
I think it should be alright to run @ @ @ @ @ @ @ want to run for President in Czech Republic because they got these cool castles and I could buy one .
Plus they have great looking women !

Here are some future Trump tweets you’re bound to see, based on a scientific analysis of his historical tweeting habits.
Libraries are a major place for the fake media to place their destructive materials. After all, the very word ‘Library” begins with “lie.” Something to think about.
I am smarter and know more than all our Intelligence Agencies. That fact has been proven out, like for instance when they said that Putin was trying to influence our elections. I told them, “No he isn’t! He is a great friend of mine.” And that shut them up. I am sure they were astonished.
I am so smart that I think I will adopt the title ‘The Most Intelligent Leader.’ I think that sounds right. I will make sure anyone visiting me will use that phrase to address me.
People ask me why I am chums with dictators like Putin and Duerte and Erdogan. That is because they know how to hold a country together. And that is the only thing that really matters. Right? So what if they kill a few people along the way?
Why do I write so many books? That is because I have to make sure people know how great I am. Plus they give me money for them. What two better reasons could there be?
I don’t see anything wrong with me being a President for Life. Think how much tax payer money will be saved from not having an inauguration every four years.
What is wrong with having more than one wife? Mormons do it. Muslims do it. Some of those old guys in the Old Testament did it. You all know how religious a guy I am; so if they can do it, I think it is OK with me getting another wife or two.
I am getting backlash still over things I said during the Obama era. I still have Dems asking me if I am from Mars.
I appreciate all of you my supporters who have been trying to come to Mar-o Lago to visit me. Just please remember to come around to the back door please. Unless you have more than $50 million. Then by all means come ring the front door bell.
A lot of you have been asking why I don’t wear my MAGA hat when I go to meet foreign leaders. That is because they are classy guys and I have to be a classy guy when I am with them. Back here when I am with my fans I can do my regular old blue collar guy shtick.
I would like to build a wall around Washington, D.C. to keep the bad actor Democrats out. And I will make them pay for it.
Many wonder why I support the Israelis instead of the Palestinians. That is because the Israelis have more money and power. Duh!!!!
The reason I am getting a divorce from Melania is because it turns out she is a spy. Remember she is from Slovenia. I turned her in myself. Don’t worry; I will have a new wife in a few weeks.
I think it should be alright to run more than just one country. I want to run for President in Czech Republic because they got these cool castles and I could buy one. Plus they have great looking women!


humortimes--2020-03-17--Leprechauns Cancel St. Patrick’s Day Mischief & Shenanigans

Colin McCreedy , president of the International Brotherhood of Leprechauns and Wee People , has announced the cancellation of their 1500th annual St. Patrick ’ s Day Shenanigan Festival .
The celebration , held every year at an undisclosed magical location deep in the forest , features drinking contests , poetry readings , fistfights and sing-alongs , along with plenty of additional trouble-making trickery and hi-jinx .
“ In recent years wee leprechauns have been hit especially hard by the effects of deforestation and the resulting loss of environmental resources , ” McCreedy said , “ and we can hardly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like the coronavirus causing further devastation .
For that reason we ’ ve imposed a 3 week self-quarantine on all of our members.
” McCreedy acknowledged that it may be difficult for many of the leprechauns to adjust to these new conditions .
“ Leprechauns love to get out and about , causing all sorts of mischief and trouble .
It ’ s absolutely our number one favorite pastime , so it ’ ll be a tough transition to go from that to in-home isolation .
To help our members cope , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ recommended allowance of trickery and deception , we ’ re suggesting a steady diet of Fox news.
” Leprechauns , of course , are well-known for their Republican sympathies .
“ Generally we don ’ t like snakes in the grass , ” McCreedy explained , “ but with Republicans we ’ ve made an exception .
After all , how can you not like someone with a ‘ pub ’ right in the middle of their name ?
We ’ re also convinced that Trump himself is a leprechaun .
His orange @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but so far he ’ s refused to release his DNA test results.
” “ Despite that , ” McCreedy continued , “ we have a lot of admiration and respect for the president .
We figure that anyone who ’ s such a grouchy , greedy , gold-hording , hedonistic , narcissistic old troublemaker can ’ t be all bad .
Besides , with the many financial disruptions he ’ s been causing in the markets , the price of gold is skyrocketing !
And the last time that happened was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after 9/11 , and then again during the housing crash of 2008 .
Thank God for Republicans !
” As a precautionary measure , the leprechauns have sent Trump one and a half tons of magical lucky four-leaf clovers so he can survive the rest of his term without completely destroying everything .
“ We ’ re not sure if that ’ s enough , ” McCreedy stated , “ We actually wanted to send him more , but we had to save some for ourselves , just in case the moron gets @ @ @

Annual St. Patrick’s Day Shenanigan Festival canceled by unusually cautious Leprechauns amid coronavirus fears.
Colin McCreedy, president of the International Brotherhood of Leprechauns and Wee People, has announced the cancellation of their 1500th annual St. Patrick’s Day Shenanigan Festival. The celebration, held every year at an undisclosed magical location deep in the forest, features drinking contests, poetry readings, fistfights and sing-alongs, along with plenty of additional trouble-making trickery and hi-jinx.
“In recent years wee leprechauns have been hit especially hard by the effects of deforestation and the resulting loss of environmental resources,” McCreedy said, “and we can hardly afford to have a highly contagious illness like the coronavirus causing further devastation. For that reason we’ve imposed a 3 week self-quarantine on all of our members.”
McCreedy acknowledged that it may be difficult for many of the leprechauns to adjust to these new conditions. “Leprechauns love to get out and about, causing all sorts of mischief and trouble. It’s absolutely our number one favorite pastime, so it’ll be a tough transition to go from that to in-home isolation. To help our members cope, and to assist them in getting their daily recommended allowance of trickery and deception, we’re suggesting a steady diet of Fox news.”
Leprechauns, of course, are well-known for their Republican sympathies. “Generally we don’t like snakes in the grass,” McCreedy explained, “but with Republicans we’ve made an exception. After all, how can you not like someone with a ‘pub’ right in the middle of their name? We’re also convinced that Trump himself is a leprechaun. His orange skin and pathological greed are dead giveaways, but so far he’s refused to release his DNA test results.”
“Despite that,” McCreedy continued, “we have a lot of admiration and respect for the president. We figure that anyone who’s such a grouchy, greedy, gold-hording, hedonistic, narcissistic old troublemaker can’t be all bad. Besides, with the many financial disruptions he’s been causing in the markets, the price of gold is skyrocketing! And the last time that happened was under Bush II, firstly right after after 9/11, and then again during the housing crash of 2008. Thank God for Republicans!”
As a precautionary measure, the leprechauns have sent Trump one and a half tons of magical lucky four-leaf clovers so he can survive the rest of his term without completely destroying everything. “We’re not sure if that’s enough,” McCreedy stated, “We actually wanted to send him more, but we had to save some for ourselves, just in case the moron gets reelected!”


humortimes--2020-03-20--True Story of David and Goliath Revealed in Archeological Find

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Long-lost secrets about David and Goliath recently uncovered inside an ancient tomb .
World famous tomb raider and ethnocraparcheologist Lord Sebastian Bhutt-Ughleh has uncovered the long-lost tomb of Nebucanezzor the Great — not the king of Babylon , but the legendary Hittite pro wrestler .
Previously unknown secrets about David and Goliath lay hidden inside .
According to documents unearthed in the tomb , the confrontation between David and Goliath was part of an event promoted by the Phillistine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ headline match was Nebucanezzor the Great vs. King Saul in a Deuteronomy Death Match .
The referee was Pontious Pilate ’ s grandfather Pontious Bruce .
The event was held at Valley of Elah Arena on July 4,604 BC .
Other matches included The Masked Babylonians , Tigris and Euphrates against the Gladiators , Articus and Sparticus .
Also , The Israelite Women ’ s Tag Team champs Oprah and Ruth against the Queen of Sheba and Cleopatra .
The now famous match featured Lil David and Samson against crowd favorites Goliath and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ match was to have ended with David pulling the slingshot from his tights , but before he could it , the Masked Hittite was to jump into the ring and save Goliath… but something went awry .
The Hittite got distracted by the Queen of Sheba and chased her back to the dressing room , leaving goliath to his doom .
Reportedly , the crowd rioted and the Phillistine Swat Squad had to rescue David and spirit him out of the arena .
The commonly rehashed “ Biblical ” tale can be traced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Rock .
It is thought that Elijah The Rock is responsible for the tale Joshua Fit The Battle of Jericho and the walls came tumblin ’ down .
It was actually a stage collapse at a Cab Calloway concert .
SNN has tried to reach descendants of the participants , but have had no luck .
It is widely believed that the descendant of Elijah the Rock ’ s currently works for the WWE .
This article is part of the “ Dispatches from SNN ” ( Slobovian News Network ) series @

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Long-lost secrets about David and Goliath recently uncovered inside an ancient tomb.
World famous tomb raider and ethnocraparcheologist Lord Sebastian Bhutt-Ughleh has uncovered the long-lost tomb of Nebucanezzor the Great — not the king of Babylon, but the legendary Hittite pro wrestler. Previously unknown secrets about David and Goliath lay hidden inside.
According to documents unearthed in the tomb, the confrontation between David and Goliath was part of an event promoted by the Phillistine Wrestling Federation (PWF). The headline match was Nebucanezzor the Great vs. King Saul in a Deuteronomy Death Match. The referee was Pontious Pilate’s grandfather Pontious Bruce. The event was held at Valley of Elah Arena on July 4,604 BC.
Other matches included The Masked Babylonians, Tigris and Euphrates against the Gladiators, Articus and Sparticus. Also, The Israelite Women’s Tag Team champs Oprah and Ruth against the Queen of Sheba and Cleopatra.
The now famous match featured Lil David and Samson against crowd favorites Goliath and The Masked Hittite #1. The match was to have ended with David pulling the slingshot from his tights, but before he could it, the Masked Hittite was to jump into the ring and save Goliath… but something went awry. The Hittite got distracted by the Queen of Sheba and chased her back to the dressing room, leaving goliath to his doom. Reportedly, the crowd rioted and the Phillistine Swat Squad had to rescue David and spirit him out of the arena.
The commonly rehashed “Biblical” tale can be traced to PWF public Relations man, Elijah the Rock.
It is thought that Elijah The Rock is responsible for the tale Joshua Fit The Battle of Jericho and the walls came tumblin’ down. It was actually a stage collapse at a Cab Calloway concert.
SNN has tried to reach descendants of the participants, but have had no luck. It is widely believed that the descendant of Elijah the Rock’s currently works for the WWE.
This article is part of the “Dispatches from SNN” (Slobovian News Network) series.


humortimes--2020-03-20--New Costco Membership Level: Shop Sans Lowly Peasants

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
The new ‘ Royal Supreme ’ membership will allow only the best of the best customers to shop without annoying disruptions from lowly peasants and little people .
Costco CEO Craig Jelinek announced a new membership level on CNBC ’ s popular morning show Squawk Box today .
To the delight of many current Costco customers , the new Royal Supreme membership level will allow a peasant-less shopping experience as part of the $ 130 annual membership fee .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ shopping which takes place every Saturday evening after 10 PM , ” CNBC host Joe Kernen noted .
Jelinek told CNBC hosts the decision is no-brainer .
“ When our customers ask , they shall receive .
And our customers have been asking for this due to recent events that have created long lines of shoppers waiting for the doors to open .
Marisa Colbert , a retired community college instructor from South Palm Beach , Florida , was the first customer to receive the new Royal Supreme membership card .
“ Actually @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have two cards , whereas the other lowly peasants level only allows one membership card .
And now I don ’ t have to stand in line with those losers who can only afford the $ 120 Executive Membership .
While those bottom feeders are scurrying around in their American made cars looking for their cheap table wine , I will already be home sipping on my 2015 Kirkland Barolo.
” Costco is planning to roll out a new high-level membership level next year , and subsequent years , in an effort to @ @ @ @ @

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
The new ‘Royal Supreme’ membership will allow only the best of the best customers to shop without annoying disruptions from lowly peasants and little people.
Costco CEO Craig Jelinek announced a new membership level on CNBC’s popular morning show Squawk Box today. To the delight of many current Costco customers, the new Royal Supreme membership level will allow a peasant-less shopping experience as part of the $130 annual membership fee.
“Not to be confused with pants-less shopping which takes place every Saturday evening after 10 PM,” CNBC host Joe Kernen noted.
Jelinek told CNBC hosts the decision is no-brainer. “When our customers ask, they shall receive. And our customers have been asking for this due to recent events that have created long lines of shoppers waiting for the doors to open.
Marisa Colbert, a retired community college instructor from South Palm Beach, Florida, was the first customer to receive the new Royal Supreme membership card. “Actually, this membership level allows you to have two cards, whereas the other lowly peasants level only allows one membership card. And now I don’t have to stand in line with those losers who can only afford the $120 Executive Membership. While those bottom feeders are scurrying around in their American made cars looking for their cheap table wine, I will already be home sipping on my 2015 Kirkland Barolo.”
Costco is planning to roll out a new high-level membership level next year, and subsequent years, in an effort to stay ahead of inflation.


humortimes--2020-03-20--The President You Want

The President You Want

The president you want vs the president you ’ ve got The President You Want Listens to his trusted advisors regarding plans to deal with an impending pandemic .
Empowers his son-in-law to direct pandemic policy and then greatly exaggerates a private sector website proposal .
The President You Want Trusts the Fed Chairman to monitor and regulate the economy .
Defers to the chairman ’ s expertise .
Repeatedly criticizes and belittles the Fed Chair and threatens to fire or demote him in the middle of an economic crisis .
The President You Want Makes use of an existing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ preparedness directorate to quickly take action .
Dismantles anything his predecessor created and subsequently finds himself without any timely and meaningful plan to deal with a pandemic .
The President You Want He is open and truthful with the public about the extent and severity of an anticipated pandemic thereby seeking to calm fears but at the same time preparing the nation for immediate action .
Underplays the seriousness of the viral outbreak and minimizes its effect based on his uneducated speculation and hunches .
The President You Want Surrounds himself with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ steps are taken to carry out immediate widespread testing of the virus .
Fires or demotes qualified administrators , hamstrings testing efforts and falsely claims anyone who wants a test can get one .
The President You Want Reaches out to other countries to coordinate multilateral international efforts to fight the pandemic .
Labels it a “ foreign virus ” and blames other countries for the pandemic .
The President You Want Relies on scientists and medical experts to assess the situation and to carry out plans to contain the virus .
Claims @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who is extremely knowledgeable about medical matters and doesn ’ t need expert help .
The President You Want Adopts personal behavior expected of everyone in a pandemic as an educational model for the general public .
The President You Want Acts quickly and decisively in order to gain the confidence of the public and to forestall a bigger crisis .
Delays action and insists there ’ s nothing to worry about despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary .
The President You Want Accepts responsibility for mistakes or shortcomings and quickly rectifies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blames others for any mistakes .
The President You Want Acts as a moral exemplar for the nation in both words and deeds .
The President You Want Just about any serious candidate for President in the last forty years .

The president you want vs the president you’ve got
The President You Want
Listens to his trusted advisors regarding plans to deal with an impending pandemic.
The President You’ve Got
Empowers his son-in-law to direct pandemic policy and then greatly exaggerates a private sector website proposal.
The President You Want
Trusts the Fed Chairman to monitor and regulate the economy. Defers to the chairman’s expertise.
The President You’ve Got
Repeatedly criticizes and belittles the Fed Chair and threatens to fire or demote him in the middle of an economic crisis.
The President You Want
Makes use of an existing initiative, namely a White House pandemic preparedness directorate to quickly take action.
The President You’ve Got
Dismantles anything his predecessor created and subsequently finds himself without any timely and meaningful plan to deal with a pandemic.
The President You Want
He is open and truthful with the public about the extent and severity of an anticipated pandemic thereby seeking to calm fears but at the same time preparing the nation for immediate action.
The President You’ve Got
Underplays the seriousness of the viral outbreak and minimizes its effect based on his uneducated speculation and hunches.
The President You Want
Surrounds himself with the most qualified medical experts and ensures that steps are taken to carry out immediate widespread testing of the virus.
The President You’ve Got
Fires or demotes qualified administrators, hamstrings testing efforts and falsely claims anyone who wants a test can get one.
The President You Want
Reaches out to other countries to coordinate multilateral international efforts to fight the pandemic.
The President You’ve Got
Labels it a “foreign virus” and blames other countries for the pandemic.
The President You Want
Relies on scientists and medical experts to assess the situation and to carry out plans to contain the virus.
The President You’ve Got
Claims to be a “stable genius” who is extremely knowledgeable about medical matters and doesn’t need expert help.
The President You Want
Adopts personal behavior expected of everyone in a pandemic as an educational model for the general public.
The President You’ve Got
Ignores basic medical advice and continues close personal contact and handshaking.
The President You Want
Acts quickly and decisively in order to gain the confidence of the public and to forestall a bigger crisis.
The President You’ve Got
Delays action and insists there’s nothing to worry about despite overwhelming scientific evidence to the contrary.
The President You Want
Accepts responsibility for mistakes or shortcomings and quickly rectifies them.
The President You’ve Got
Accepts no responsibility and instead blames others for any mistakes.
The President You Want
Acts as a moral exemplar for the nation in both words and deeds.
The President You’ve Got
Lies, cheats and steals.
The President You Want
Just about any serious candidate for President in the last forty years.
The President You’ve Got
Donald J. Trump.


humortimes--2020-03-20--With COVID-19, Suddenly America is Asking, ‘Where’s the Government?’

Nothing like COVID-19 to bring home the need that all of us have for an adequately funded , fully functioning , competent government .
Suddenly , with the COVID-19 epidemic , America is a nation of socialists , asking in dismay , “ Where ’ s the government ?
” These are not born-again Bernie Sanders activists but everyday people of all political stripes ( including previously apolitical multitudes ) who ’ re now clamoring for big-government intervention in their lives .
Nothing like a coronavirus pandemic to bring home the need that all of us have — both as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an adequately funded , fully functioning , competent government capable of serving all .
Alas , as everyone can see in our present moment of critical national need , government today has been reduced to a rickety medicine show run by an inept , small-minded flimflammer peddling laissez-fairyland snake oil .
“ We have it totally under control , ” President Donald Trump pompously declared after the first U.S. case was confirmed in January .
As it began rapidly spreading out of control in February , he tweeted nonchalantly , “ It will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ We ’ re doing a great job.
” But an increasingly anxious public found that reliable test kits couldn ’ t even be purchased from Trump ’ s hollowed-out government health agencies .
Still , he shrugged off all concern and responsibility : “ Looks like by April , you know , in theory , when it gets a little warmer , it miraculously goes away.
” Not exactly a can-do Rooseveltian response to a national crisis , but he stayed blase , denying scientific reality and assuring us , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a miracle — it will disappear.
” Of course , it hasn ’ t , and by March , the inconvenient fact of a rising death toll exposed this imposter of a president as incompetent , uncaring … and silly .
So , after weeks of the complete absence of White House leadership , a deadly pathogen is raging practically everywhere across our land ; unknown millions of us are being infected ; a “ closed indefinitely ” sign has been hung on the American economy ; and even our people ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of community life — have been halted .
Right-wing politico Grover Norquist once said he wanted a government so small he could “ drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.
” Trump is now showing us what such a small-minded government looks like .
And what it costs us .
Suddenly , social distancing has become the official ethical standard for human relationships , abruptly supplanting eons of ingrained communal behavior by us humanoids ( handshakes , hugs , pub life , ceremonial gatherings , etc. )
.
Awkward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as we frantically scramble to deter the health ravages of COVID-19 and grapple with the global economic devastation it ’ s causing , we might benefit by pondering how social distancing is a self-inflicted cause of the contagion ’ s disastrous spread .
For some 40 years , American corporations and governments have colluded to push economic , political and social policies that have intentionally distanced the financial fortunes of the wealthy from the well-being of the workaday majority .
Consider the interrelationship of multimillionaires with the unseen kitchen staff of restaurants where @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , such multimillionaires have forced low-wage policies on food preparers , denied health coverage for them and lobbied to kill proposals to provide paid sick leave .
So , one kitchen worker sneezes .
He or she is infected with coronavirus but doesn ’ t know it due to having no health care coverage for testing .
Even though running a fever , the staffer must come to work so as not to lose the job .
Later , somewhere a multimillionaire sneezes .
After all , COVID-19 doesn ’ t distinguish between @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that plutocrats have been blocking for years ( living wages , “ Medicare for All , ” paid sick leave , family medical leave , free college and trade school tuition , home health care and others ) are exactly what a sane government and egalitarian economy would adopt to fend off the wholly destructive inequality that now confronts every American .
While we ’ re now forced to temporarily distance ourselves from one anther , the lethal disease our country has is the widening separation of rich elites from the rest of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ national push for renewed social cohesiveness .
As a friend and fellow writer recently put it , COVID-19 “ puts into focus a biological , psychological , economic , and socio-political fact we too often deny : We are a species of completely interdependent beings .
”

Nothing like COVID-19 to bring home the need that all of us have for an adequately funded, fully functioning, competent government.
Suddenly, with the COVID-19 epidemic, America is a nation of socialists, asking in dismay, “Where’s the government?”
These are not born-again Bernie Sanders activists but everyday people of all political stripes (including previously apolitical multitudes) who’re now clamoring for big-government intervention in their lives. Nothing like a coronavirus pandemic to bring home the need that all of us have — both as individuals and as a society — for an adequately funded, fully functioning, competent government capable of serving all. Alas, as everyone can see in our present moment of critical national need, government today has been reduced to a rickety medicine show run by an inept, small-minded flimflammer peddling laissez-fairyland snake oil.
“We have it totally under control,” President Donald Trump pompously declared after the first U.S. case was confirmed in January. As it began rapidly spreading out of control in February, he tweeted nonchalantly, “It will all work out well,” adding, “We’re doing a great job.” But an increasingly anxious public found that reliable test kits couldn’t even be purchased from Trump’s hollowed-out government health agencies. Still, he shrugged off all concern and responsibility: “Looks like by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.” Not exactly a can-do Rooseveltian response to a national crisis, but he stayed blase, denying scientific reality and assuring us, “One day — it’s like a miracle — it will disappear.”
Of course, it hasn’t, and by March, the inconvenient fact of a rising death toll exposed this imposter of a president as incompetent, uncaring … and silly. So, after weeks of the complete absence of White House leadership, a deadly pathogen is raging practically everywhere across our land; unknown millions of us are being infected; a “closed indefinitely” sign has been hung on the American economy; and even our people’s social and civic interactions — the essence of community life — have been halted.
Right-wing politico Grover Norquist once said he wanted a government so small he could “drag it into the bathroom and drown it in the bathtub.” Trump is now showing us what such a small-minded government looks like. And what it costs us.
Suddenly, social distancing has become the official ethical standard for human relationships, abruptly supplanting eons of ingrained communal behavior by us humanoids (handshakes, hugs, pub life, ceremonial gatherings, etc.). Awkward. Disconcerting. Isolating.
Yet, as we frantically scramble to deter the health ravages of COVID-19 and grapple with the global economic devastation it’s causing, we might benefit by pondering how social distancing is a self-inflicted cause of the contagion’s disastrous spread. For some 40 years, American corporations and governments have colluded to push economic, political and social policies that have intentionally distanced the financial fortunes of the wealthy from the well-being of the workaday majority.
Consider the interrelationship of multimillionaires with the unseen kitchen staff of restaurants where they dine. To further enrich themselves, such multimillionaires have forced low-wage policies on food preparers, denied health coverage for them and lobbied to kill proposals to provide paid sick leave. So, one kitchen worker sneezes. He or she is infected with coronavirus but doesn’t know it due to having no health care coverage for testing. Even though running a fever, the staffer must come to work so as not to lose the job. Later, somewhere a multimillionaire sneezes. After all, COVID-19 doesn’t distinguish between rich and poor.
The very proposals that plutocrats have been blocking for years (living wages, “Medicare for All,” paid sick leave, family medical leave, free college and trade school tuition, home health care and others) are exactly what a sane government and egalitarian economy would adopt to fend off the wholly destructive inequality that now confronts every American.
While we’re now forced to temporarily distance ourselves from one anther, the lethal disease our country has is the widening separation of rich elites from the rest of us. And the cure is a national push for renewed social cohesiveness. As a friend and fellow writer recently put it, COVID-19 “puts into focus a biological, psychological, economic, and socio-political fact we too often deny: We are a species of completely interdependent beings.”


humortimes--2020-03-23--Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/23/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/23/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deflated balls on that guy !
Katie Holmes speaks out on iconic bra photo : “ I didn ’ t want to get into trouble.
” So , in other words , she didn ’ t want to be up ‘ Dawson ’ s Creek ’ without a paddle .
Boy sent home from school after being caught charging kids to use hand sanitizer Yeah , who does he think he is CVS ?
He planned to name it after himself , but there ’ s already been a swine flu .
In @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 61 members of Knesset and will get the mandate to form a new government So , BiBi is now known as ByeBye .
Americans hoard up booze , guns , toilet paper and have their kids home 24/7 And , just when I was thinking of taking my talents to South Beach !
Trump ’ s considering entry restrictions at US-Mex border to control spread of coronavirus in the U.S .
While Canadians are happy , it ’ s not called the MolsonVirus .
“ I ’ m dealing with a f—ing global @ @ @ @ @ @ @ scathing response when asked if he ’ ll suspend his campaign Y ’ think that ’ s bad , you should ’ ve heard him after watching the finale of the ‘ Sopranos.
’ Jeff Bezos ’ fortune plummeted after Amazon was crushed in the stock market rout …Damn , he may have to cancel his Amazon Prime… Arnold Schwarzenegger , his pet donkey and miniature pony want you to stay home due to the coronavirus Biden said he ’ d pick a woman as his running mate … so , sounds like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a debate unless he ’ s with Mother .
Devin Nunes clarifies that when he told people to go to the local pub , he meant a drive-thru pub

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Tom Brady leaves the Patriots
Damn, the deflated balls on that guy!
Katie Holmes speaks out on iconic bra photo: “I didn’t want to get into trouble.”
So, in other words, she didn’t want to be up ‘Dawson’s Creek’ without a paddle.
Boy sent home from school after being caught charging kids to use hand sanitizer
Yeah, who does he think he is CVS?
Trump calls coronavirus the ‘Chinese Virus’
He planned to name it after himself, but there’s already been a swine flu.
In Israel, Benny Gantz secures recommendations from 61 members of Knesset and will get the mandate to form a new government
So, BiBi is now known as ByeBye.
Americans hoard up booze, guns, toilet paper and have their kids home 24/7
This ain’t a pandemic, it’s Dick Wolf’s IMDB.
LeBron James’ former Miami mansion surfaces for sale
And, just when I was thinking of taking my talents to South Beach!
Trump’s considering entry restrictions at US-Mex border to control spread of coronavirus in the U.S.
While Canadians are happy, it’s not called the MolsonVirus.
“I’m dealing with a f—ing global crisis”: Bernie Sanders issues a scathing response when asked if he’ll suspend his campaign
Y’think that’s bad, you should’ve heard him after watching the finale of the ‘Sopranos.’
Jeff Bezos’ fortune plummeted after Amazon was crushed in the stock market rout
…Damn, he may have to cancel his Amazon Prime…
Arnold Schwarzenegger, his pet donkey and miniature pony want you to stay home due to the coronavirus
Arnold Schwarzenegger is apparently Austrian for Michael Jackson.
Biden said he’d pick a woman as his running mate
… so, sounds like Pence won’t show up for a debate unless he’s with Mother.
Friday: Trump brags about “biggest stock market rise in history”
Monday: Stock Market – Hold my beer.
Devin Nunes clarifies that when he told people to go to the local pub, he meant a drive-thru pub
Matt Gaetz: “I’ll drink and drive to that!!!”


humortimes--2020-03-23--Who’s the Fittest of Them All?

Who’s the Fittest of Them All?

Who is the fittest to be president ?
Physically fit , that is .
Last December at a town hall event , former Vice President Joe Biden challenged a retired farmer to a push-up contest after the man claimed that Biden was too old to be president .
Then , at a rally for presidential hopeful Tulsi Gabbard , a supporter mentioned the Biden challenge and asked Ms. Gabbard if she could beat Biden in such a competition .
She said that not only could she beat the former vice-president but that she could defeat most people .
Challenge accepted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , she dropped out of the race recently , after realizing that nobody knew who she was .
At first I thought that these dares were silly .
Who cares which candidate can do more push-ups ?
But after giving it more thought , I decided that maybe they are on to something .
Sure we need our commander in chief to be a stable genius , but maybe we also need someone who is in great physical shape .
Don ’ t the American people deserve a leader with abs like Vladimir @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kim Jung-Un ?
All candidates should submit to a physical fitness test so that the American people can see which ones are in excellent health .
Many of our past presidents have been enthusiastic golfers while others excelled at real sports .
For instance , Abraham Lincoln was a skilled wrestler and Theodore Roosevelt was an enthusiastic boxer .
Being in good physical condition would ensure that the president has the stamina to handle the job .
But rather than a push-up contest , the Democratic and Republican parties should have each contender @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Then they could drag themselves through the mud instead of each other .
Alternatively , the presidential hopefuls could attempt the American Ninja Warrior course .
Watching Bernie Sanders attack the warped wall or Joe Biden attempting to conquer the salmon ladder would be more entertaining than listening to them deliver boring speeches on health care .
Selecting a leader , at least in part , based upon his/her strength or fitness isn ’ t an entirely new concept .
After all , King Arthur earned the right to the British throne @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the strength to pull the Excalibur sword from the stone .
In the general election , after the Democrats and Republicans each selected their stable , fit genius , the nominees would debate each other so that we could evaluate their mental abilities .
Then we could assess their physical abilities with an old fashion fist fight .
Televised , of course .
Given the lack of sports on TV due to the pandemic , the masses would love a good fist a cuffs .
Both Biden and Trump have already expressed an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said that he would like to beat the hell out of Trump .
To which “ The Donald ” responded , “ Crazy Joe is trying to act like a tough guy .
He doesn ’ t know me but he would go down fast and hard .
Crying all the way.
” I don ’ t think either of these old guys have had a fist fight since kindergarten .
Nonetheless , who wouldn ’ t want to see these two modern day “ gladiators ” go at it ?
After we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could do the usual voting thing .
However , as we saw in the 2016 election and in the 2020 Democratic primary in Iowa , voting doesn ’ t always work out so well .
Instead the presidential hopefuls could determine the winner with a duel .
Dueling has fallen out of favor in the modern era but it might be a more satisfying and conclusive way to decide the next commander in chief .
The party in office at the time would , of course , get to choose the weapon .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ tweets at twenty paces .

Who is the fittest to be president? Physically fit, that is.
Last December at a town hall event, former Vice President Joe Biden challenged a retired farmer to a push-up contest after the man claimed that Biden was too old to be president. Then, at a rally for presidential hopeful Tulsi Gabbard, a supporter mentioned the Biden challenge and asked Ms. Gabbard if she could beat Biden in such a competition. She said that not only could she beat the former vice-president but that she could defeat most people. Challenge accepted, Gabbard! Despite her mighty biceps, she dropped out of the race recently, after realizing that nobody knew who she was.
At first I thought that these dares were silly. Who cares which candidate can do more push-ups? But after giving it more thought, I decided that maybe they are on to something. Sure we need our commander in chief to be a stable genius, but maybe we also need someone who is in great physical shape. Don’t the American people deserve a leader with abs like Vladimir Putin instead of one with abs like Kim Jung-Un?
All candidates should submit to a physical fitness test so that the American people can see which ones are in excellent health. Many of our past presidents have been enthusiastic golfers while others excelled at real sports. For instance, Abraham Lincoln was a skilled wrestler and Theodore Roosevelt was an enthusiastic boxer. Being in good physical condition would ensure that the president has the stamina to handle the job.
But rather than a push-up contest, the Democratic and Republican parties should have each contender race through a Tough Mudder obstacle course. Then they could drag themselves through the mud instead of each other. Alternatively, the presidential hopefuls could attempt the American Ninja Warrior course. Watching Bernie Sanders attack the warped wall or Joe Biden attempting to conquer the salmon ladder would be more entertaining than listening to them deliver boring speeches on health care.
Selecting a leader, at least in part, based upon his/her strength or fitness isn’t an entirely new concept. After all, King Arthur earned the right to the British throne when he was the only one with the strength to pull the Excalibur sword from the stone.
In the general election, after the Democrats and Republicans each selected their stable, fit genius, the nominees would debate each other so that we could evaluate their mental abilities. Then we could assess their physical abilities with an old fashion fist fight. Televised, of course. Given the lack of sports on TV due to the pandemic, the masses would love a good fist a cuffs.
Both Biden and Trump have already expressed an interest in this. In 2018 Biden said that he would like to beat the hell out of Trump. To which “The Donald” responded, “Crazy Joe is trying to act like a tough guy. He doesn’t know me but he would go down fast and hard. Crying all the way.” I don’t think either of these old guys have had a fist fight since kindergarten. Nonetheless, who wouldn’t want to see these two modern day “gladiators” go at it?
After we observe the intellectual and physical contests we could do the usual voting thing. However, as we saw in the 2016 election and in the 2020 Democratic primary in Iowa, voting doesn’t always work out so well. Instead the presidential hopefuls could determine the winner with a duel. Dueling has fallen out of favor in the modern era but it might be a more satisfying and conclusive way to decide the next commander in chief. The party in office at the time would, of course, get to choose the weapon. I imagine this year it would be tweets at twenty paces.


humortimes--2020-03-23--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Disapproval Leads to Removal

[ Our number ] one disaster leads to another .
If Trump wasn ’ t so stupid , he ’ @ @ @ @ @ is .
Every horse ’ s ass believes he ’ s a stable genius because @ @ @ @ @ ’ s accomplished .
Who do you blame when it ’ s default of your @ @ @ @ @ .
It may not work .
We feel depressed about it .
Listen to the @ @ @ @ @ cons .
The truth presses on in newspapers .
Trump supporters don ’ t think @ @ @ @ @ them .
Closed minds are always blinded by the dark .
Money is expendable , @ @ @ @ @ Your money or your life ?
Those who can ’ t be bought are priceless @

[Our number] one disaster leads to another.
If Trump wasn’t so stupid, he’d realize how stupid he is.
Every horse’s ass believes he’s a stable genius because of all the shit he’s accomplished.
The stock markets tremendously groan under Trump.
Who do you blame when it’s default of your economy?
It may work. It may not work. We feel depressed about it.
Listen to the pros, but not the cons.
The truth presses on in newspapers.
Trump supporters don’t think he’s only fooling them.
Closed minds are always blinded by the dark.
Don’t stomach bad taste.
Make America Gracious Again: Slap Trump down!
Cast ballots, not stones.
Money is expendable, the environment is not.
Life is a teaming game.
Con science and you’ll regret it.
Global warming is an extinct possibility.
Your money or your life?
Those who can’t be bought are priceless.
Please think responsibly!