humortimes--2020-10-06--God Denies Being Hurt by Joe Biden

God Denies Being Hurt by Joe Biden

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
God denied being hurt by Joe Biden on Sean Hannity ’ s show recently , but evidence suggests otherwise .
In a rare interview , God appeared on Sean Hannity ’ s show on Fox and vehemently denied being hurt by Joe Biden , as President Trump had suggested in a rally-style speech on an airport tarmac recently .
God also denied that Biden hurt the Bible , but Hannity raised some doubts about God ’ s story .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
A partial transcript of this remarkable interview follows : Hannity : Today I have a guest who claims to be God .
Welcome to my show .
Hannity : First of all , I have to say , you are about nine feet tall , a woman , and may I say a very striking looking African-American… Hannity : Okay , so not even a U.S. citizen .
So why should we believe you are God ?
You don ’ t look anything like what I expect .
God : If you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Sistine Chapel and similar paintings , those are wildly off base .
You have to realize that I created humanity in my image about 300,000 years ago in Africa .
Then you wandered all over the world and changed like crazy .
I am very disappointed .
Hannity : I see .
Is there any proof that you are actually God ?
God : Certainly .
Here is my identity card , valid anywhere in the universe .
( A glowing blue card materializes in front of “ God ” and floats @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Well , it certainly looks authentic .
It says “ title : God , aka Yahweh , Allah , Vishnu , Jehovah , etc.
” And it is signed , “ Carolyn ” .
What ’ s this about Carolyn ?
God : Those other names are just my job titles .
My actual name is Carolyn .
But my friends call me Carol .
Carolyn/God : Call me Carolyn .
( The identity card , which had been floating in front of Hannity , suddenly vanishes . }
Hannity : Um , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you decide to come onto my show ?
Carolyn : Well it certainly wasn ’ t your charm , but I had no choice .
You see , I had heard that your president had been saying that Joe Biden had hurt me and the bible , and that if he got elected I would not exist .
And I thought I should pay a visit to this Biden character and teach him a lesson .
So tracked him down and figured I would cuff him around a bit .
You know , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You , the almighty , got into a fight with a 77 year old man ?
Was that fair ?
Carolyn : You forget , I am at least 13.8 billion years old .
And I let him take the first swing .
Hannity : You don ’ t look a day over 10 billion , if I may say so .
Carolyn : Don ’ t try to flatter me .
You still can ’ t call me Carol .
Hannity : Alright , Carolyn then .
I notice you are wearing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s .
Carolyn : ( removing glasses ) Yes , I really like the look , so I created a pair for myself .
Hannity : You have a nasty looking cut under your left eye .
Did Biden do that ?
Carolyn : Oh yes , he did .
He has a very sneaky right hook .
But I want to emphasize it did not hurt a bit .
I forgot to heal it .
( Carolyn snaps her fingers and the cut disappears ) So after that little dust-up we got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had no plans to get rid of me , and he never hurt the bible .
We went out for a couple of beers , and Biden gave me a rundown on what ’ s been going on here .
With all the trouble in the Andromeda galaxy , I ’ ve been pretty distracted lately .
Anyway it turns out that the one who hurt the bible was none other than your president , Donald Trump .
He used force on a bunch of protesters , then walked out in front of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as if he planned to use it as a flyswatter .
He didn ’ t open it to read from its wisdom , didn ’ t even say anything .
He just scowled .
Let me tell you , that bible ’ s feelings were really hurt .
Hannity : So did you talk to President Trump ?
Carolyn : I tried to .
I went to the White House and looked through his bedroom window where he was sitting in bed with his eyes glued to the TV , watching your show @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but he didn ’ t move .
I figured that the only way I could get his attention would be to appear in front of him as a bucket of fried chicken , but I have my pride .
I just couldn ’ t do it .
So that ’ s why I ’ m on your show .
Hannity : I see .
Mr. President , you heard it here .
Carolyn : ( Turning to the camera ) Right .
President Trump , Biden didn ’ t hurt the bible , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to be around for long after you are gone .
Hannity : Now that you have cleared that up , can we be friends ?
Carolyn : You have done a lot of mischief in your life .
I don ’ t think so .
Hannity : I am very wealthy .
Perhaps I could donate to worthy causes , make amends ?
Carolyn : Have you heard the one about how the wealthy have less chance of entering my kingdom than that of a camel passing through the eye of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cut the camel up into really tiny pieces… Carolyn : You really don ’ t get proverbs , do you ?
Hannity : So you ’ re saying I won ’ t be hanging out with you in the afterlife ?
Carolyn : Let ’ s just say , when your time comes , pack very lightly .
Several pairs of underwear is about all you will need .
And give my greetings to my nephew , the devil , Lucifer , aka Satan , Mephistopheles , Beelzebub , etc .
Those are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Henry .
But you can call him Hank .
Hannity : ( sweating profusely ) Could I take another look at that identity card ?

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
God denied being hurt by Joe Biden on Sean Hannity’s show recently, but evidence suggests otherwise.
In a rare interview, God appeared on Sean Hannity’s show on Fox and vehemently denied being hurt by Joe Biden, as President Trump had suggested in a rally-style speech on an airport tarmac recently. God also denied that Biden hurt the Bible, but Hannity raised some doubts about God’s story. God also happens to be a woman. A partial transcript of this remarkable interview follows:
Hannity: Today I have a guest who claims to be God. Welcome to my show.
God: Thank you.
Hannity: First of all, I have to say, you are about nine feet tall, a woman, and may I say a very striking looking African-American…
God: Correction, I am African.
Hannity: Okay, so not even a U.S. citizen. So why should we believe you are God? You don’t look anything like what I expect.
God: If you’re talking about my portrait in the Sistine Chapel and similar paintings, those are wildly off base. You have to realize that I created humanity in my image about 300,000 years ago in Africa. Then you wandered all over the world and changed like crazy. I am very disappointed.
Hannity: I see. Is there any proof that you are actually God?
God: Certainly. Here is my identity card, valid anywhere in the universe. (A glowing blue card materializes in front of “God” and floats over to Hannity.)
Hannity: Well, it certainly looks authentic. It says “title: God, aka Yahweh, Allah, Vishnu, Jehovah, etc.” And it is signed, “Carolyn”. What’s this about Carolyn?
God: Those other names are just my job titles. My actual name is Carolyn. But my friends call me Carol.
Hannity: Fair enough, Carol, I’m honored.
Carolyn/God: Call me Carolyn. (The identity card, which had been floating in front of Hannity, suddenly vanishes.}
Hannity: Um, Okay, Carolyn, so what made you decide to come onto my show?
Carolyn: Well it certainly wasn’t your charm, but I had no choice. You see, I had heard that your president had been saying that Joe Biden had hurt me and the bible, and that if he got elected I would not exist. And I thought I should pay a visit to this Biden character and teach him a lesson. So tracked him down and figured I would cuff him around a bit. You know, give him a smiting.
Hannity: You, the almighty, got into a fight with a 77 year old man? Was that fair?
Carolyn: You forget, I am at least 13.8 billion years old. And I let him take the first swing.
Hannity: You don’t look a day over 10 billion, if I may say so.
Carolyn: Don’t try to flatter me. You still can’t call me Carol.
Hannity: Alright, Carolyn then. I notice you are wearing aviator sunglasses much like Joe Biden’s.
Carolyn: (removing glasses) Yes, I really like the look, so I created a pair for myself.
Hannity: You have a nasty looking cut under your left eye. Did Biden do that?
Carolyn: Oh yes, he did. He has a very sneaky right hook. But I want to emphasize it did not hurt a bit. I forgot to heal it. (Carolyn snaps her fingers and the cut disappears) So after that little dust-up we got to talking and I realized that Biden had no plans to get rid of me, and he never hurt the bible. We went out for a couple of beers, and Biden gave me a rundown on what’s been going on here. With all the trouble in the Andromeda galaxy, I’ve been pretty distracted lately. Anyway it turns out that the one who hurt the bible was none other than your president, Donald Trump. He used force on a bunch of protesters, then walked out in front of a church and held up a bible as if he planned to use it as a flyswatter. He didn’t open it to read from its wisdom, didn’t even say anything. He just scowled. Let me tell you, that bible’s feelings were really hurt.
Hannity: So did you talk to President Trump?
Carolyn: I tried to. I went to the White House and looked through his bedroom window where he was sitting in bed with his eyes glued to the TV, watching your show. I knocked on the window, but he didn’t move. I figured that the only way I could get his attention would be to appear in front of him as a bucket of fried chicken, but I have my pride. I just couldn’t do it. So that’s why I’m on your show.
Hannity: I see. Mr. President, you heard it here.
Carolyn: (Turning to the camera) Right. President Trump, Biden didn’t hurt the bible, you did. And I’m going to be around for long after you are gone.
Hannity: Now that you have cleared that up, can we be friends?
Carolyn: You have done a lot of mischief in your life. I don’t think so.
Hannity: I am very wealthy. Perhaps I could donate to worthy causes, make amends?
Carolyn: Have you heard the one about how the wealthy have less chance of entering my kingdom than that of a camel passing through the eye of a needle?
Hannity: Perhaps if we cut the camel up into really tiny pieces…
Carolyn: You really don’t get proverbs, do you?
Hannity: So you’re saying I won’t be hanging out with you in the afterlife?
Carolyn: Let’s just say, when your time comes, pack very lightly. Several pairs of underwear is about all you will need. And give my greetings to my nephew, the devil, Lucifer, aka Satan, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, etc. Those are his job titles. His name is Henry. But you can call him Hank.
Hannity: (sweating profusely) Could I take another look at that identity card?


humortimes--2020-10-06--Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/6/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/6/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reunite for Democrats in Pennsylvania fundraiser On a scale of 1 to 10 that ’ s an 11 .
Cavalier White House approach to Covid-19 catches up to Trump Let ’ s face it , Trump getting the coronavirus is like if Dick Cheney shot himself in the face .
Kris Jenner sued by ex-bodyguard who says she sexually harassed him ; she ‘ vehemently ’ denies it This week on ‘ Keeping it Up with the Kardashians.
’ … .
or , in Trump dollars that would be paying off two Porn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make-up !
If you spent that much time around that many kids why you didn ’ t drink was a better question… Lindsey Graham hammered by Democrat opponent , Jamie Harrison , who tells him to ‘ be a man ’ and likens him to a cheating child in election debate It was less a debate and more like Lindsey Graham was auditioning for ‘ So , You Think You Can Tap Dance ?
’ Exit the Dragon : First ‘ Masked Singer ’ Season 4 castoff is Grammy-nominated ’ 90s rapper Busta @ @ @ @ @ @ @ change his name to Busta Hip… Mitch McConnell ‘ refusing to debate if there is a female moderator ’ Keep lusting in your heart ; it ’ s good for the circulation .
Apparently , Hydroxychloroquine is the Latin word for ‘ What do you got to lose ?
’ … or maybe they didn ’ t … Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are obsessed with this American fast food restaurant… In-N-Out Burger So , not surprisingly , he ’ ll never be the ‘ Burger King , ’ either .
Trump said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of virus battle … we ’ ll know Trump ’ s in serious trouble if Pence starts playing golf to prepare to take over for Trump…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Spinal Tap to reunite for Democrats in Pennsylvania fundraiser
On a scale of 1 to 10 that’s an 11.
Cavalier White House approach to Covid-19 catches up to Trump
Let’s face it, Trump getting the coronavirus is like if Dick Cheney shot himself in the face.
Kris Jenner sued by ex-bodyguard who says she sexually harassed him; she ‘vehemently’ denies it
This week on ‘Keeping it Up with the Kardashians.’
Joe Biden paid $300 grand in taxes in 2019
…. or, in Trump dollars that would be paying off two Porn stars and six months of hair and make-up!
Why Jill Duggar Dillard decided to drink alcohol
If you spent that much time around that many kids why you didn’t drink was a better question…
Lindsey Graham hammered by Democrat opponent, Jamie Harrison, who tells him to ‘be a man’ and likens him to a cheating child in election debate
It was less a debate and more like Lindsey Graham was auditioning for ‘So, You Think You Can Tap Dance?’
Exit the Dragon: First ‘Masked Singer’ Season 4 castoff is Grammy-nominated ’90s rapper Busta Rhymes
Although at his age he should change his name to Busta Hip…
Mitch McConnell ‘refusing to debate if there is a female moderator’
… unless Mike Pence’s wife is present.
Trump taxes show years of questionable returns
MAGA = Making Accountants Get Attorneys
Happy 96th Birthday, President Jimmy Carter
Keep lusting in your heart; it’s good for the circulation.
Hannity touts hydroxychloroquine after Trump tests positive for Covid-19
Apparently, Hydroxychloroquine is the Latin word for ‘What do you got to lose?’
The Air Force secretly designed, built, and flew a brand-new stealth fighter jet
… or maybe they didn’t …
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are obsessed with this American fast food restaurant… In-N-Out Burger
So, not surprisingly, he’ll never be the ‘Burger King,’ either.
Trump said to be in ‘critical phase’ of virus battle
… we’ll know Trump’s in serious trouble if Pence starts playing golf to prepare to take over for Trump…


humortimes--2020-10-06--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Kermit the Frog

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Kermit the Frog .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is Kermit the Frog .
It ’ s not that easy being green .
Oh , really ?
Try being black .
You ’ ll get squished .
Let ’ s see .
You were created in 1955 by puppeteer Jim Henson .
That makes you 65 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a Leap Year !
Frog…leap .
Get it ?
I ’ m not as stupid as you look .
I ’ ve had a great life considering I was supposed to croak at 5 years old .
What ’ s the difference between a cat and a frog ?
A cat has nine lives , but a frog croaks every night .
You ’ re a riot , Duncan .
I ’ m going to get you on The Muppets tour .
How did you land a job on Sesame Street ?
Luck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ swamp and signed me up .
I have a good voice , so I ’ ve been toad .
Hey , my song Rainbow Connection landed at number 25 on the Billboard charts in 1979 .
Was that song meant for your girlfriend at the time Miss Piggy ?
Yeah .
I really loved her .
We were together for 37 years .
Never married .
She wasn ’ t kosher .
And Piggy cheated on me .
She had an affair with Cookie Monster .
He was one of your best friends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Cookie went to the dentist last week and ate all the anesthesia .
But then you dated another pig named Denise .
We lived together for a year .
Broke up because she wasn ’ t bringing home the bacon .
I understand you have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame .
I ’ m quite the politician .
I know how to kiss ass .
Speaking of politics .
Are you a Democrat or Republican ?
I ’ m in the Green Party , Duncan .
We believe in climate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I was in Yosemite I heard one tree say to the other tree , “ Are you a sap ?
” I love their honesty .
The only sap I know is Donald Trump .
He called our soldiers “ losers and suckers ” and hid the coronavirus from Americans for 2 months .
Then got corona himself .
Trump cheated on his wives , his taxes and college SAT test .
Did I forget to mention he colluded with the Russians in the 2016 presidential election .
Even impeached by the House @ @ @ @ @ @ @ door bursts open and Miss Piggy arrives on the scene .
Kermit the Frog is a liar !
I didn ’ t cheat .
He did !
It was with my deaf friend .
You should have seen the signs .
Well , I didn ’ t .
Do you know what ’ s green and red and goes round and round ?
A frog in a blender .
My blender ’ s in the green room .
Get over here , Kermit .
Help me , Jerry !
Help !
!
See @ @ @ @

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Kermit the Frog.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is Kermit the Frog.
KERMIT THE FROG
It’s not that easy being green.
JERRY
Oh, really? Try being black. You’ll get squished.
KERMIT
No complaints.
JERRY
Let’s see. You were created in 1955 by puppeteer Jim Henson. That makes you 65.
KERMIT
Yeah. I was born in a Leap Year! Frog…leap. Get it?
JERRY
I’m not as stupid as you look.
KERMIT
I’ve had a great life considering I was supposed to croak at 5 years old.
JERRY
What’s the difference between a cat and a frog?
KERMIT
Dinner?
JERRY
A cat has nine lives, but a frog croaks every night.
KERMIT
You’re a riot, Duncan. I’m going to get you on The Muppets tour.
JERRY
How did you land a job on Sesame Street?
KERMIT
Luck. An agent discovered me in a swamp and signed me up. I have a good voice, so I’ve been toad. Hey, my song Rainbow Connection landed at number 25 on the Billboard charts in 1979.
JERRY
Was that song meant for your girlfriend at the time Miss Piggy?
KERMIT
Yeah. I really loved her. We were together for 37 years. Never married.
JERRY
Why?
KERMIT
She wasn’t kosher. And Piggy cheated on me. She had an affair with Cookie Monster.
JERRY
He was one of your best friends.
KERMIT
What a monster! I heard Cookie went to the dentist last week and ate all the anesthesia.
JERRY
Numb Num Numb Num Numb Num.
JERRY
But then you dated another pig named Denise.
KERMIT
We lived together for a year. Broke up because she wasn’t bringing home the bacon.
JERRY
I understand you have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.
KERMIT
I’m quite the politician. I know how to kiss ass.
JERRY
Speaking of politics. Are you a Democrat or Republican?
KERMIT
I’m in the Green Party, Duncan. We believe in climate change. And saving trees. When I was in Yosemite I heard one tree say to the other tree, “Are you a sap?” I love their honesty.
JERRY
The only sap I know is Donald Trump. He called our soldiers “losers and suckers” and hid the coronavirus from Americans for 2 months. Then got corona himself. Trump cheated on his wives, his taxes and college SAT test. Did I forget to mention he colluded with the Russians in the 2016 presidential election. Even impeached by the House of Representatives this year.
JERRY
Don’t waste your vote, Froggy. Elect Joe Biden for president.
The studio door bursts open and Miss Piggy arrives on the scene.
MISS PIGGY
Kermit the Frog is a liar! I didn’t cheat. He did! It was with my deaf friend.
JERRY
You should have seen the signs.
PIGGY
Well, I didn’t. Do you know what’s green and red and goes round and round?
JERRY
No.
PIGGY
A frog in a blender. My blender’s in the green room. Get over here, Kermit.
KERMIT
Help me, Jerry! Help!!
PIGGY
It’s all over, Hopscotch.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-10-06--September 2020 Cartoon Caption Contest Winners

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political humor free , if possible !
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Contest Winners
Here are the Humor Times September 2020 Cartoon Caption Contest Winners. To enter the current contest, go to our Cartoon Caption Contest.
Please share the contest with your friends and acquaintances on Facebook and Twitter, etc, using the buttons on this page, and via email and by shouting about it from the rooftops. Enjoy. Thank you!
Sept. 2020 Cartoon Caption Contest Winners:
Name City State Caption Todd Bernhard Rochester NY Are you sure you see a Coronation and not a Corona Nation? Mark G Bloomington IN Legal Disclaimer: This fortune is gonna grab ya by the short hairs. Timothy Busam Portland TX That’s not a crystal ball… that’s a crystal buffoon. I’m not going to believe what it says. Rob Huffman Fredericksburg VA Is he a very stable king?
The current Cartoon Caption Contest is here.
According to Wikipedia:
Political cartoons can usually be found on the editorial page of many newspapers, although a few (such as Garry Trudeau‘s Doonesbury) are sometimes placed on the regular comic strip page. Most cartoonists use visual metaphors and caricatures to address complicated political situations, and thus sum up a current event with a humorous or emotional picture.
In modern political cartooning, two styles have begun to emerge. The traditional style uses visual metaphors and symbols like Uncle Sam, the Democratic donkey and the Republican elephant; the more recent text-heavy style, seen in Doonesbury, tells a linear story, usually in comic strip format. Regardless of style, editorial cartoons are a way for artists to express their thoughts about current events in a comical manner.
A political cartoon commonly draws on two unrelated events and brings them together incongruously for humorous effect. The humor can reduce people’s political anger and so serves a useful purpose. Such a cartoon also reflects real life and politics, where a deal is often done on unrelated proposals beyond public scrutiny.


humortimes--2020-10-06--“Weekend at Bernie’s” – Donald Style

“Weekend at Bernie’s” – Donald Style

Just like the Laugh-Out-Loud movie “ Weekend at Bernie ’ s ” – looks like we ’ ll see ‘ many Donald ’ s ’ out & about in a neighborhood near you !
But don ’ t let it freak you out – there are many Donald Trump look-a-likes straight out of Central Casting he hired to pick up the slack & keep up the illusion of virility before the election .
Seems like he wants to keep us guessing for our last 4 weeks or the ol ’ slight of hand game : The ‘ Hospital ’ Donald @ @ @ @ @ @ @ & The ‘ Second Term ’ Donald after his miraculous Covid recovery !
No one really knows if these dead ringers are human or just lots of wires & Super Glue – all anyone can figure out is – that one on stage with Biden didn ’ t have an On & Off switch !
Always the contrarian , Trump ’ s Doc told him he ’ s ‘ not out of the woods ’ yet ; so he decided to go onto city streets !
Hey , I know Hospital food is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for KFC !
Filled with a potent cocktail of steroids & unproven magical elixirs ; ‘ Hospital ’ Donald made a surprise photo-op drive-by to show the Public , Putin & the Dow that he ’ s alive & well !
No question the experimental drugs he ’ s taking has many side effects like forgetting you ’ re putting Secret Service Agents at risk , French Fry cravings & the need to hang your head out the car window like Rover !
Not sure which ‘ Donald ’ said he never met @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them admits he sometimes gets them mixed up with The Beach Boys & The 4 Seasons… Luckily , we only have to vote out one !

Just like the Laugh-Out-Loud movie “Weekend at Bernie’s” – looks like we’ll see ‘many Donald’s’ out & about in a neighborhood near you!
But don’t let it freak you out – there are many Donald Trump look-a-likes straight out of Central Casting he hired to pick up the slack & keep up the illusion of virility before the election.
Seems like he wants to keep us guessing for our last 4 weeks or the ol’ slight of hand game: The ‘Hospital’ Donald, The ‘Tireless Campaigner’ Donald & The ‘Second Term’ Donald after his miraculous Covid recovery!
No one really knows if these dead ringers are human or just lots of wires & Super Glue – all anyone can figure out is – that one on stage with Biden didn’t have an On & Off switch!
Always the contrarian, Trump’s Doc told him he’s ‘not out of the woods’ yet; so he decided to go onto city streets!
Hey, I know Hospital food is bad – but send a flunky out for KFC!
Filled with a potent cocktail of steroids & unproven magical elixirs; ‘Hospital’ Donald made a surprise photo-op drive-by to show the Public, Putin & the Dow that he’s alive & well!
No question the experimental drugs he’s taking has many side effects like forgetting you’re putting Secret Service Agents at risk, French Fry cravings & the need to hang your head out the car window like Rover!
Not sure which ‘Donald’ said he never met The Proud Boys, but one of them admits he sometimes gets them mixed up with The Beach Boys & The 4 Seasons…
“Sher-ry, Sher-ry Baby…”
Luckily, we only have to vote out one!


humortimes--2020-10-07--Last Train to Clarksville: 2020

Last Train to Clarksville: 2020

The Monkees classic “ Last Train to Clarksville ” gets updated for the time of COVID-19 .
Take the last train to Clarksville And I ’ ll meet you at the station You can be there by four-thirty Oh , no , no , no Oh , no , no , no And I must see you again We ’ ll have one more night together Till the morning brings my train and I must go Oh , no , no , no Oh , no , no , no And I don ’ t know if I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Clarksville I ’ ll be waiting at the station Oh , no , no , no Oh , no , no , no Take the last train to Clarksville Now I must hang up the phone I can ’ t hear you in this noisy railroad station all alone Oh , no , no , no Oh , no , no , no And I don ’ t know if I ’ m ever coming home Take the last train to Clarksville And I ’ ll meet you at the station You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no , no , no Oh , no , no , no And I don ’ t know if I ’ m ever coming home Take the last train to Clarksville Take the last train to Clarksville Take the last train to Clarksville Take the last train to Clarksville

The Monkees classic “Last Train to Clarksville” gets updated for the time of COVID-19.
Take the last train to Clarksville
(I’m sorry, what?)
And I’ll meet you at the station
(Um, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but for the last seven months or so we’ve been in the grip of a global pandemic and traveling anywhere is a really bad idea.)
You can be there by four-thirty
(I feel like you’re not listening.)
‘Cause I’ve made your reservation, don’t be slow
(Listen, why don’t we just set up a nice little date on ZOOM.)
Oh, no, no, no
(We can watch While You Were Sleeping and do a whole Mystery Science Theater thing with some wine.)
Oh, no, no, no
(Why not?)
‘Cause I’m leaving in the morning
(Where the fuck are you going?! Hello? Global pandemic? You might have heard about it on the news.)
And I must see you again
(Ok, this is a good time to put this out there: We went on one date seven months ago and, to be honest, you seemed a little needy. Also…you live in Clarksville and the train service is spotty, at best.)
We’ll have one more night together
(I can’t say that this isn’t tempting. It’s been a long seven months.)
Till the morning brings my train and I must go
(Go? Go where? And leave me alone in Clarksville? To do what? Sit around your apartment until you come back?)
Oh, no, no, no
(Is there even anything to do in Clarksville?)
Oh, no, no, no
(I have to say, you’re not selling this well.)
And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home
(Dude, what the fuck?)
Take the last train to Clarksville
(Um, no.)
I’ll be waiting at the station
(I. AM. NOT. COMING. TO. CLARKSVILLE.)
We’ll have time for coffee-flavored kisses
(You are very bad at this.)
And a bit of conversation
(Well, we should talk about you wearing a mask and taking precautions if you’re going to be traveling.)
Oh, no, no, no
(Face masks are critical in preventing the spread of COVID-19.)
Oh, no, no, no
(I’m never going on Tinder again. Ever.)
Take the last train to Clarksville
(Again, I feel like you’re not listening.)
Now I must hang up the phone
(Finally, something we agree on.)
I can’t hear you in this noisy railroad station all alone
(You’re at the station already? The last train to Clarksville doesn’t leave here for another three hours.)
I’m feeling low
(Yes, we all are. We’re in a global pandemic, with no end in sight, because the country is being run by a game show host who bankrupted in a business where the house always wins.)
Oh, no, no, no
(Oh, yes, yes, yes. He’s a goddamned moron.)
Oh, no, no, no
(I need to work on my self-esteem. I’ve made some horrible dating decisions.)
And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home
(And I could not possibly care less.)
Oh
(Oh, good. Something I said finally got through to you.)
Take the last train to Clarksville
(FUCK!)
And I’ll meet you at the station
(I need you to acknowledge that I’m not coming to Clarksville.)
You can be here by four-thirty
(Why are we still talking about this?)
‘Cause I’ve made your reservation, don’t be slow
(Are you still at the train station? You need to go home…)
Oh, no, no, no
(…wash your hands. Social-distance…)
Oh, no, no, no
(…)
And I don’t know if I’m ever coming home
(…)
Take the last train to Clarksville
(…)
Take the last train to Clarksville
(…)
Take the last train to Clarksville
(I’m hanging up now.)
Take the last train to Clarksville


humortimes--2020-10-07--Reports of President Trump’s Feigned Illness Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

Reports of President Trump ’ s feigned illness have been greatly exaggerated .
In fact , his brief stay at Walter Reed Military Hospital will undoubtedly be recorded in history as the Immaculate Infection — in stark contrast to seven million Americans whose suffering is far more severe , not to mention some 210,000 who are now bona-fide saints .
Like Norma Desmond , Trump owed it to Der Furor ’ s fans , whose proud colors sport the same interlacing wreath as as Hitler and Mussolini favored when the fascist aesthetic was in fashion .
Axe me no questions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Conway no lies , Mr. Lincoln .
Trump treated networks to the rare sight of himself waving bye-bye — as if he were simply dying to give us false hopes .
Now that he has done a double-take re-entering his ersatz palace , it would thrill the world if he filmed his last exit from Whitey Whale House on or before January 20 .
Now there ’ s a prime-crime spectacle !
The Triumph of the Ill : no fabled victory lap , but the sick soul on goose-step parade , one final @ @ @ @ @ @ @ SS men , wearing the Emperor ’ s new gowns .
Regardless of what happens next , Trump won ’ t get it unless we stage the Immaculate Election next month .
Don ’ t pray for a miracle — only work will make you free .
Grab a shovel .
They ’ ve already dug their graves — just postmark the right box twice .
And don ’ t discount the poll booth , even if it lies beyond the end zone .

Reports of President Trump’s feigned illness have been greatly exaggerated. In fact, his brief stay at Walter Reed Military Hospital will undoubtedly be recorded in history as the Immaculate Infection — in stark contrast to seven million Americans whose suffering is far more severe, not to mention some 210,000 who are now bona-fide saints. Like Norma Desmond, Trump owed it to Der Furor’s fans, whose proud colors sport the same interlacing wreath as as Hitler and Mussolini favored when the fascist aesthetic was in fashion. Axe me no questions, and I’ll tell Kelly Conway no lies, Mr. Lincoln.
Trump treated networks to the rare sight of himself waving bye-bye — as if he were simply dying to give us false hopes. Now that he has done a double-take re-entering his ersatz palace, it would thrill the world if he filmed his last exit from Whitey Whale House on or before January 20. Now there’s a prime-crime spectacle! The Triumph of the Ill: no fabled victory lap, but the sick soul on goose-step parade, one final time, attended by a retinue of SS men, wearing the Emperor’s new gowns. Regardless of what happens next, Trump won’t get it unless we stage the Immaculate Election next month. Don’t pray for a miracle — only work will make you free. Grab a shovel. They’ve already dug their graves — just postmark the right box twice. And don’t discount the poll booth, even if it lies beyond the end zone.


humortimes--2020-10-07--‘Russia, if You’re Listening…’ & Other Last Minute Invitations from Trump

Last minute invitations and a cry for help from our President to Vladimir Putin, in Song Titles.
‘As the days dwindle down to a precious few’… untested, drug-sopped Trump has been seen climbing the White House walls wondering how he can get his buddy Putin to come through again, with last minute invitations and a new secret directive… here’s what he’s come up with so far:
“THEY CAN’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME”!
“DON’T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME”!
“AND I AM TELLING YOU I’M NOT GOING”!
“DON’T STOP ME NOW”!
“IT’S NOW OR NEVER”!
“AIN’T TOO PROUD TO BEG”!
“PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE”!
“PLEASE, PLEASE ME”!
“I WANT YOU, I NEED YOU, I LOVE YOU”!
“I’LL BE YOUR EVERYTHING”!
“GIMME SHELTER”!
“THEY’RE COMING TO TAKE ME AWAY”!
“HELP”!


humortimes--2020-10-08--Why Mitch McConnell Won’t Go to His Turtle Family Reunion this Year: Top 10

Top 10 reasons Mitch McConnell won ’ t be going to the Turtle Family Reunion this year !
Call him a Tortoise , a Terrapin or a Sh — but his kin calls him worse !
Memes don ’ t lie – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell ’ s turtle image is my go-to for a cheap laugh .
But let ’ s not kid ourselves – what other snapping cold-blooded reptile could encapsulate the wrath of Americans such as this public servant !
Here ’ s the Top Ten reasons why his relatives say they won ’ t be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this year !
10 .
Last year , he wouldn ’ t get off cousin Myrtle !
8 .
He ’ ll be busy looking up his real biological parents – the Porcupine & the Armadildo !
7 .
He has to explain to Donald Trump how they ‘ get it on ’ without a Karma Sutra book !
6 .
He ’ ll be prepping for his role in the new movie “ Jurassic Park II : Snakes & Other Republicans ” !
5 .
He can be found wading in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ll give you a free dip for a vote !
4 .
He ’ ll be on the Russian Parade Float with the other 1968 Zond 5 Moon Probe Turtles !
No , I am not running out of reasons !
3 .
He ’ ll be preparing for ‘ The Biden Win ’ by tweaking his Turtle Soup recipe for Campbell ’ s !
2 .
He ’ ll be unavailable – he asked his Vet to duck tape his head into his shell till January 20th !
And the # 1 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be showing up at his Turtle Family Reunion this year .
Two weeks ago his wife flipped him on his back & walked away !

Top 10 reasons Mitch McConnell won’t be going to the Turtle Family Reunion this year!
Call him a Tortoise, a Terrapin or a Sh — but his kin calls him worse!
Memes don’t lie – Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell’s turtle image is my go-to for a cheap laugh.
But let’s not kid ourselves – what other snapping cold-blooded reptile could encapsulate the wrath of Americans such as this public servant!
Here’s the Top Ten reasons why his relatives say they won’t be seeing him at the Turtle Family Reunion this year!
10. Last year, he wouldn’t get off cousin Myrtle!
9. He’ll be practicing his turtle mating mounting noises!
8. He’ll be busy looking up his real biological parents – the Porcupine & the Armadildo!
I don’t make typos! ha ha
7. He has to explain to Donald Trump how they ‘get it on’ without a Karma Sutra book!
6. He’ll be prepping for his role in the new movie “Jurassic Park II: Snakes & Other Republicans”!
5. He can be found wading in the brackish waters of Kentucky where he’ll give you a free dip for a vote!
4. He’ll be on the Russian Parade Float with the other 1968 Zond 5 Moon Probe Turtles!
No, I am not running out of reasons!
3. He’ll be preparing for ‘The Biden Win’ by tweaking his Turtle Soup recipe for Campbell’s!
2. He’ll be unavailable – he asked his Vet to duck tape his head into his shell till January 20th!
And the #1 reason why Mitch McConnell won’t be showing up at his Turtle Family Reunion this year.
Sexual Tension…
Two weeks ago his wife flipped him on his back & walked away!


humortimes--2020-10-09--A Taylor Swift Playlist for Trump’s Pandemic Response

“ We are never getting back together ” – a Taylor Swift playlist to help you deal with Trump ’ s pandemic response .
“ We have it totally under control .
It ’ s one person coming in from China , and we have it under control .
It ’ s going to be just fine.
” “ It will all work out well.
” “ We have it very well under control .
We have very little problem in this country at this moment — five .
And those people are all recuperating successfully.
” Song : You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Well , we pretty much shut it down coming in from China .
We have a tremendous relationship with China , which is a very positive thing .
Getting along with China , getting along with Russia , getting along with these countries.
” Song : “ This Is Why We Can ’ t Have Nice Things ” Album : Reputation “ Looks like by April , you know , in theory , when it gets a little warmer , it miraculously goes away.
” “ I think the numbers are going @ @ @ @ @ @ @ along.
” “ We had 12 , at one point .
And now they ’ ve gotten very much better .
Many of them are fully recovered.
” “ We ’ re going down , not up .
We ’ re going very substantially down , not up.
” “ It ’ s going to disappear .
One day — it ’ s like a miracle — it will disappear.
” “ I just want to add , if I might — and to go a little bit further — the Obama administration @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out to be very detrimental to what we ’ re doing.
” Every one of these doctors said , ‘ How do you know so much about this ?
’ Maybe I have a natural ability .
Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president .
“ It will go away .
Just stay calm .
It will go away.
” Song : Look What You Made Me Do Album : Reputation Trump announces he and the First Lady have contracted COVID-19 Song : This Is Me Trying

“We are never getting back together” – a Taylor Swift playlist to help you deal with Trump’s pandemic response.
Jan. 22, 2020:
“We have it totally under control. It’s one person coming in from China, and we have it under control. It’s going to be just fine.”
Song: “…Ready For It?”
Album: Reputation
Jan. 24, 2020:
“It will all work out well.”
Song: Safe and Sound
Album: The Hunger Games Soundtrack
Jan. 28, 2020
“Johnson & Johnson to create coronavirus vaccine.”
Song: “Soon You’ll Get Better”
Album: Lover
Jan. 30, 2020
“We have it very well under control. We have very little problem in this country at this moment — five. And those people are all recuperating successfully.”
Song: You Need to Calm Down
Album: Lover
Jan. 31, 2020
“Well, we pretty much shut it down coming in from China. We have a tremendous relationship with China, which is a very positive thing. Getting along with China, getting along with Russia, getting along with these countries.”
Song: “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”
Album: Reputation
Feb. 10, 2020
“Looks like by April, you know, in theory, when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.”
Song: “Out of the Woods”
Album: 1989
Feb. 19, 2020
“I think the numbers are going to get progressively better as we go along.”
Song: “I Knew You Were Trouble”
Album: Red
Feb. 23, 2020
“We had 12, at one point. And now they’ve gotten very much better. Many of them are fully recovered.”
Song: Shake It Off
Album: 1989
Feb. 26, 2020
“We’re going down, not up. We’re going very substantially down, not up.”
Song: I Think He Knows
Album: Lover
Feb. 27, 2020
“It’s going to disappear. One day — it’s like a miracle — it will disappear.”
Song: Today Was a Fairytale
Album: Valentine’s Day Soundtrack
March 4, 2020
“I just want to add, if I might — and to go a little bit further — the Obama administration made a decision on testing that turned out to be very detrimental to what we’re doing.”
Song: Don’t Blame Me
Album: Reputation
March 6, 2020
Every one of these doctors said, ‘How do you know so much about this?’ Maybe I have a natural ability. Maybe I should have done that instead of running for president.
Song: False God
Album: Lover
March 10, 2020
“It will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away.”
Song: Crazier
Album: Hannah Montana The Movie Soundtrack
March 13, 2020
National Emergency Declared
Song: Everything Has Changed
Album: Red
March 13, 2020 to October 1, 2020
Song: I Did Something Bad
Album: Reputation
Song: Look What You Made Me Do
Album: Reputation
October 2, 2020
Trump announces he and the First Lady have contracted COVID-19
Song: This Is Me Trying
Album: Folklore


humortimes--2020-10-09--Bringing a Rich, Aloof, Race-Baiting Congress Critter Down to Earth

A young civil rights champion in Texas has rallied to pull into a tie with Michael McCaul , incumbent race-baiting congress critter .
Some people who get elected to Congress grow in office ; others just bloat .
Rep. Michael McCaul is a bloater .
A self-absorbed , right-wing , race-baiting Trumpeteer , this Texas lawmaker is about the richest guy in the U.S. House , wallowing in some estimated $ 113 million in personal wealth .
McCaul made his money the old-fashioned way : He married it .
His wife inherited a fortune , so — with no need @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decided to become a congressman , winning a grotesquely gerrymandered GOP district in 2004 .
Even by the embarrassingly low standards of Congress , McCaul has been unaccomplished , unless you count championing tax breaks , regulatory favors and corporate subsidies that have allegedly bloated his family ’ s net worth by 940 % since he ’ s been in office .
Indeed , this man of privilege is mostly known in Congress for his love of jet setting , limousine service and posh dining .
Despite his wealth , an unseemly number @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by him but billed to us taxpayers or covered by the political donations he takes from giant corporations he serves .
But here ’ s an even starker measure of his character : his water meter .
The McCauls live in a sprawling $ 7 million mansion in the scenic hills of West Austin , a very arid environment .
Water conservation is an essential community ethic here — unless you ’ re an incurable narcissist .
While the average Austin home uses 70,000 gallons of city water a year , the McCauls @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a half gallons in 2018 !
He won Water Hog of the Year in 2017 and consistently ranks in the top 10 year after year .
Rather than cutting back , the serial water waster has simply directed the city to stop revealing his actual usage .
If you ’ re a rich , corporate-serving Trump Republican who ’ s been in the U.S. House so long and done so little that you ’ re essentially seen as a piece of congressional furniture , what do you do to save yourself when faced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , grassroots opponent who ’ s about to overtake you ?
Of course , do what President Trump does : Unleash your inner race-baiting demagogue to assail your challenger as a demonic civil-liberties zealot who ’ ll let hordes of Black , Latino and other “ criminal elements ” rampage through White neighborhoods .
This is the old , shameful Jim Crow political tactic that endangered Republican incumbents across the country are now resorting to in a panicky effort to deflect attention from their own ugly records of Trumpian servility .
Long-term Texas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ boy of this partisan sleaze .
Poor Michael is used to strolling to victory , but — oops — in September , with only weeks to go in his reelection race , he suddenly found himself in a dead heat with Democrat Mike Siegel .
This lawyer and former school teacher ’ s progressive-populist program of “ Medicare for All , ” worker and environmental protections , human rights over corporate greed , etcetera , has forged a growing and enthusiastic movement for change .
So , up pops McCaul with a last-minute @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Siegel is a crazed criminal-justice radical who ’ ll shut down the police and empty prisons .
McCaul himself doesn ’ t appear in this ludicrous dog-whistle piece of racist fabrication .
Instead , he has put a White Republican constable ( wearing his official uniform ) on camera to do his dirty work .
Calling Siegel dangerous , the partisan constable cartoonishly tries to gin up voter fear : “ Take it from me , ” he dramatically intones , “ Mike Siegel is a threat to your family.
” Problem is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a front man is a notorious right-wing race-baiting hater who has called peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters “ thugs.
” But he ’ s just the dummy : Mike McCaul is the despicable ventriloquist mouthing fear and hate in a pathetic attempt to save his worthless political hide .
But the high-flying plutocrat could be coming down for a splash landing .
The district ’ s demographics are rapidly changing ( 60,000 more Latinx residents since 2012 , for example ) , and Mike Siegel , a young civil rights champion , has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into a tie with McCaul .
For workaday folks long disdained by the aloof incumbent , the sweet scent of comeuppance is in the fall air .

A young civil rights champion in Texas has rallied to pull into a tie with Michael McCaul, incumbent race-baiting congress critter.
Some people who get elected to Congress grow in office; others just bloat. Rep. Michael McCaul is a bloater. A self-absorbed, right-wing, race-baiting Trumpeteer, this Texas lawmaker is about the richest guy in the U.S. House, wallowing in some estimated $113 million in personal wealth. McCaul made his money the old-fashioned way: He married it. His wife inherited a fortune, so — with no need to work for a living — McCaul decided to become a congressman, winning a grotesquely gerrymandered GOP district in 2004.
Even by the embarrassingly low standards of Congress, McCaul has been unaccomplished, unless you count championing tax breaks, regulatory favors and corporate subsidies that have allegedly bloated his family’s net worth by 940% since he’s been in office.
Indeed, this man of privilege is mostly known in Congress for his love of jet setting, limousine service and posh dining. Despite his wealth, an unseemly number of these luxuries are not paid for by him but billed to us taxpayers or covered by the political donations he takes from giant corporations he serves.
But here’s an even starker measure of his character: his water meter. The McCauls live in a sprawling $7 million mansion in the scenic hills of West Austin, a very arid environment. Water conservation is an essential community ethic here — unless you’re an incurable narcissist. While the average Austin home uses 70,000 gallons of city water a year, the McCauls’ home glugged down a million and a half gallons in 2018! He won Water Hog of the Year in 2017 and consistently ranks in the top 10 year after year. Rather than cutting back, the serial water waster has simply directed the city to stop revealing his actual usage.
If you’re a rich, corporate-serving Trump Republican who’s been in the U.S. House so long and done so little that you’re essentially seen as a piece of congressional furniture, what do you do to save yourself when faced back home with a popular, well-organized, grassroots opponent who’s about to overtake you?
Of course, do what President Trump does: Unleash your inner race-baiting demagogue to assail your challenger as a demonic civil-liberties zealot who’ll let hordes of Black, Latino and other “criminal elements” rampage through White neighborhoods. This is the old, shameful Jim Crow political tactic that endangered Republican incumbents across the country are now resorting to in a panicky effort to deflect attention from their own ugly records of Trumpian servility.
Long-term Texas congressman Michael McCaul has become a poster boy of this partisan sleaze. Poor Michael is used to strolling to victory, but — oops — in September, with only weeks to go in his reelection race, he suddenly found himself in a dead heat with Democrat Mike Siegel. This lawyer and former school teacher’s progressive-populist program of “Medicare for All,” worker and environmental protections, human rights over corporate greed, etcetera, has forged a growing and enthusiastic movement for change.
So, up pops McCaul with a last-minute, down-and-dirty million-dollar TV blitz howling that Siegel is a crazed criminal-justice radical who’ll shut down the police and empty prisons. McCaul himself doesn’t appear in this ludicrous dog-whistle piece of racist fabrication. Instead, he has put a White Republican constable (wearing his official uniform) on camera to do his dirty work. Calling Siegel dangerous, the partisan constable cartoonishly tries to gin up voter fear: “Take it from me,” he dramatically intones, “Mike Siegel is a threat to your family.”
Problem is, McCaul’s gun-toting goofball of a front man is a notorious right-wing race-baiting hater who has called peaceful Black Lives Matter protesters “thugs.” But he’s just the dummy: Mike McCaul is the despicable ventriloquist mouthing fear and hate in a pathetic attempt to save his worthless political hide.
But the high-flying plutocrat could be coming down for a splash landing. The district’s demographics are rapidly changing (60,000 more Latinx residents since 2012, for example), and Mike Siegel, a young civil rights champion, has rallied a popular grassroots uprising to pull into a tie with McCaul. For workaday folks long disdained by the aloof incumbent, the sweet scent of comeuppance is in the fall air.


humortimes--2020-10-09--An Experience in Los Angeles

An Experience in Los Angeles

The following short story is an excerpt from the e-book “ Ninety-Nine Stories ” by Barry Fiegel ( 292 pages , available on Amazon for $ 9.99 ) .
This short story , “ An Experience in Los Angeles , ” is but one random sample out of the wide-ranging topics covered so uniquely in the 99 stories therein .
( See ad on this site , right column . )
Rusty was once on the road , working , doing sort of a sales job , and he saw fit to take a few days off , and he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in his hotel room ( he was payin ’ a visit to Lady Liquor and the Whiskey Man ) —and when he became high he saw fit to wander around on the streets a bit , and so he was just walkin ’ around on the streets like that , barefoot , just trippin ’ on reality , drunk—but he wasn ’ t so drunk that he was slurring-his-words drunk or staggering-around drunk—and he saw this real pretty gal , and , because he was drunk , he approached her and started a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said , “ Hey , you can come with me to my hotel room nearby and have a few drinks with me if you want ” —actually , this took place within a mile of the LAX airport in Los Angeles , circa 1993 or ’ 94 , although Rusty never has been able to figure out why they call the Los Angeles International Airport “ LAX , ” or vice versa— “ I ’ m in the Such-and-Such Hotel , right over there— wan na come ?
” And she said , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ll come with you .
I ’ ll do that.
” Real pretty girl .
Very beautiful young woman .
So they get in Rusty ’ s hotel room , and everything is perfectly normal—she is perfectly normal—and she says , in a normal way , “ You know what ’ s going on , don ’ t you ?
” And Rusty says , “ Going on ?
” And she says , “ Yes , going on .
I mean , you do know what ’ s happening , don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ Happening ?
” And she says , “ Happening , yes .
You do understand what I am and what I ’ m doing—don ’ t you ?
” And he says , “ No , I don ’ t .
Can ’ t say I do.
” And she says , “ Well , you understand I ’ m a prostitute—don ’ t you ?
” And he says , “ Prostitute ?
You ’ re a prostitute ?
No , I had no idea you were a prostitute .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ cash money in his pocket at that time , and he ’ s not a prude and doesn ’ t have any moralistic hang-ups about that kind of thing or anything like that , but part of the deal is that his own self-image has always been that he ’ s a super-stud , sort of like Paul Newman and Steve McQueen combined , and , in that regard , he thought to himself , “ Holy cow , am I going to pay money for sex ?
What the fuck ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was embarrassing and awkward for her and for Rusty both , and he was ambivalent about whether or not to engage her in her profession as a sex-worker , but he finally said to her , “ Ah-h , nah-h , I can ’ t really do that .
Thanks just the same , though.
” So he thinks that she was disappointed , and he was disappointed too .
If he had it to do over again , though , he thinks he would have engaged her and partied with her a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of cash—whatever was a reasonable amount of cash for that kind of thing , all things considered—mainly just for the life-experience of it .

The following short story is an excerpt from the e-book “Ninety-Nine Stories” by Barry Fiegel (292 pages, available on Amazon for $9.99). This short story, “An Experience in Los Angeles,” is but one random sample out of the wide-ranging topics covered so uniquely in the 99 stories therein. (See ad on this site, right column.)
An Experience in Los Angeles
by Barry Fiegel
Rusty was once on the road, working, doing sort of a sales job, and he saw fit to take a few days off, and he was drankin’—he was drankin’ in his hotel room (he was payin’ a visit to Lady Liquor and the Whiskey Man)—and when he became high he saw fit to wander around on the streets a bit, and so he was just walkin’ around on the streets like that, barefoot, just trippin’ on reality, drunk—but he wasn’t so drunk that he was slurring-his-words drunk or staggering-around drunk—and he saw this real pretty gal, and, because he was drunk, he approached her and started a conversation with her, and then he said, “Hey, you can come with me to my hotel room nearby and have a few drinks with me if you want”—actually, this took place within a mile of the LAX airport in Los Angeles, circa 1993 or ’94, although Rusty never has been able to figure out why they call the Los Angeles International Airport “LAX,” or vice versa—“I’m in the Such-and-Such Hotel, right over there—wanna come?” And she said, “Well-l, okay-y, I’ll come with you. I’ll do that.” Real pretty girl. Very beautiful young woman. So they get in Rusty’s hotel room, and everything is perfectly normal—she is perfectly normal—and she says, in a normal way, “You know what’s going on, don’t you?” And Rusty says, “Going on?” And she says, “Yes, going on. I mean, you do know what’s happening, don’t you?” And he says, “Happening?” And she says, “Happening, yes. You do understand what I am and what I’m doing—don’t you?” And he says, “No, I don’t. Can’t say I do.” And she says, “Well, you understand I’m a prostitute—don’t you?” And he says, “Prostitute? You’re a prostitute? No, I had no idea you were a prostitute. Wow.” And, he did have cash money in his pocket at that time, and he’s not a prude and doesn’t have any moralistic hang-ups about that kind of thing or anything like that, but part of the deal is that his own self-image has always been that he’s a super-stud, sort of like Paul Newman and Steve McQueen combined, and, in that regard, he thought to himself, “Holy cow, am I going to pay money for sex? What the fuck?” So, long story short, this was embarrassing and awkward for her and for Rusty both, and he was ambivalent about whether or not to engage her in her profession as a sex-worker, but he finally said to her, “Ah-h, nah-h, I can’t really do that. Thanks just the same, though.” So he thinks that she was disappointed, and he was disappointed too. If he had it to do over again, though, he thinks he would have engaged her and partied with her a bit, and paid her x amount of cash—whatever was a reasonable amount of cash for that kind of thing, all things considered—mainly just for the life-experience of it.


humortimes--2020-10-12--Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/12/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/12/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Committee has decided to award the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize to the World Food Programme On a side note , Kellyanne is the only known survivor of both the Rose Garden and Bowling Green Massacres .
Katy Perry ’ s baby girl Daisy Dove looks just like her … squashing speculation on who the baby ’ s mother might be… POLITICO : Plexiglass to separate Harris and Pence at VP debate Pence ’ s wife changed her name to plexiglass ?
So , she thinks he ’ s rowing up Dawson ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s “ hopped up ” on steroids and performance enhancers , former White House official says In fact , Trump looks so jacked up on ‘ roids , he shouldn ’ t challenge Biden to a debate but a home run hitting contest !
2020 , take a f % *king day off , will ya ?
No word if this includes the Jets ’ wide receivers who have trouble catching anything .
Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling react to Jessica Alba ’ s claim she had a bad experience on ‘ Beverly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and then they went back to their shifts at Appleby ’ s .
Nobody ’ s really worried because the only things that can kill him are a wooden stake or sunlight .
McConnell says he ’ s avoided the White House for months because of Covid concerns Damn , the turtles are jumping ship , too .
I beg you , Irish Supreme Court , don ’ t tell us what ’ s in the meatballs !
!
!
!
Megyn really needs to change her name to Karyne .
… so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ending…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
The Norwegian Nobel Committee has decided to award the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize to the World Food Programme
While Trump originally thought he’d won!
Former White House counselor Kellyanne Conway tests positive for COVID-19
On a side note, Kellyanne is the only known survivor of both the Rose Garden and Bowling Green Massacres.
Katy Perry’s baby girl Daisy Dove looks just like her
… squashing speculation on who the baby’s mother might be…
POLITICO: Plexiglass to separate Harris and Pence at VP debate
Pence’s wife changed her name to plexiglass?
Katie Holmes’ relationship with Emilio Vittolo reportedly made his mom “furious”
So, she thinks he’s rowing up Dawson’s Creek without a paddle?
Donald Trump s “hopped up” on steroids and performance enhancers, former White House official says
In fact, Trump looks so jacked up on ‘roids, he shouldn’t challenge Biden to a debate but a home run hitting contest!
RIP, Eddie Van Halen
2020, take a f%*king day off, will ya?
Jets players, coaches reportedly sent home after ‘presumptive positive’ COVID-19 test
No word if this includes the Jets’ wide receivers who have trouble catching anything.
Jennie Garth and Tori Spelling react to Jessica Alba’s claim she had a bad experience on ‘Beverly Hills, 90210’ set
…. and then they went back to their shifts at Appleby’s.
Stephen Miller tests positive for COV/iD-19
Nobody’s really worried because the only things that can kill him are a wooden stake or sunlight.
McConnell says he’s avoided the White House for months because of Covid concerns
Damn, the turtles are jumping ship, too.
Irish Supreme Court rules that Subway ‘bread’ isn’t bread
I beg you, Irish Supreme Court, don’t tell us what’s in the meatballs!!!!
Megyn Kelly slams Kamala Harris on debate behavior
Megyn really needs to change her name to Karyne.
Prosecutors drop sex solicitation case against New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft
… so, for Kraft, just another happy ending…


humortimes--2020-10-12--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
Today on the show my guest is Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris to talk about the 2020 Presidential race .
Welcome back to the show , Mr. Vice President .
Return to the Lord your God , for He is gracious and merciful .
Slow to anger @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Some people say I have a quick temper .
But I think it ’ s a quick reaction to bullshit , Penster .
The world is flat .
It is firmly established that it can not be moved .
Chronicles 16:30 .
The world is round .
Like your balls .
Wait a second…you don ’ t have any balls .
Let me explain .
Do you know why women rub their eyes when they wake up ?
Because they don ’ t have balls to scratch .
Let me ask Mother @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Last week Donald Trump got the coronavirus .
And yet he left the hospital without testing negative .
The Trumpster can spread the disease to everyone in the White House .
What kind of communication will you have with him , Veep ?
I will be wearing a mask and social distancing the recommended 15 feet .
I ’ m allowing an extra 9 in case he has a gasser .
Redesivir and KFC with baked beans is toxic .
I ’ m worried Republican members of Congress will spread the disease to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to carry their baby to full term .
Our president saved millions of lives from COVID-19 by stopping flights from China last January .
Donald Trump was on top of it .
The only thing Trump was on top of was Stormy Daniels .
He ordered travel restrictions on flights from China in February , not January .
The flights weren ’ t banned until June .
By that time over 100,000 Americans died from COVID-19 .
Big lie , Penster .
The Trumpster told reporter Bob Woodward he knew how deadly COVID-19 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nothing about it .
Mother Wife and I prayed it would go away .
I had no idea God was on vacation .
You don ’ t know a lot of things .
For instance , if God sneezes when you meet him , what do you say ?
For God sake , cover your mouth .
Don ’ t you know about the coronavirus ?
Let me ask you .
How much is Trump ’ s life insurance payout ?
How will things change if you and Joe Biden are elected ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump arrested and put in a cell with ISIS fighters in Guantanamo Bay .
Number two .
We will force Attorney General Barr to participate in the Nathan ’ s Hot Dog Eating Contest until he explodes .
Number three .
We will make you Mike Pence teach sex education at Berkeley .
That sounds reasonable .
Same question to you , Penster .
Penster ?
Absolutely you will .
Your assistant is going to be Megan Fox .
What will I tell Mother Wife ?
How about , “ Do you want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
” How will things change if you and Donald Trump are re-elected ?
Number one .
If the president and I are re-elected , we will build a wall around blue states .
Number two .
Fox News will be the only TV network .
Number three .
The president and I will invite Putin and Kim to join our cabinet .
Hey , Penster .
Trump , Putin and Kim jump off a cliff .
Who wins ?
Just a minute , I have a text message .
The fly that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ head during the Vice Presidential debate is in studio .
Hi Penster .
Remember me ?
I was trying to lay eggs on your head during the debate .
I ’ m flattered that you were attracted to me .
Don ’ t let it go to your head .
Most women find you disturbing .
Hey , Fly .
Two flies are sitting on dog poo… One farts .
The other says , “ Do you mind ?
I ’ m eating my dinner.
” I like you , Duncan .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with you ?
Don ’ t let her , Jerry .
I know about flies .
When I was a little girl , we were so poor my mother asked a fly for money .
He turned her down , so I killed him and ended up in jail .
Yeah .
We didn ’ t eat healthy and I had plenty of pimples .
One day I fell asleep in the library .
When I woke up , a blind man was reading my face .
Do you have more time so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stories ?
Sorry .
I ’ m not allowed to leave the planet .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. Today on the show my guest is Vice President Mike Pence and Senator Kamala Harris to talk about the 2020 Presidential race.
JERRY
Hi Senator Harris.
SENATOR KAMALA HARRIS
Hello Jerry.
JERRY
Welcome back to the show, Mr. Vice President.
VICE PRESIDENT MIKE PENCE
Return to the Lord your God, for He is gracious and merciful. Slow to anger.
JERRY
Hold on there, Pat Robertson. Some people say I have a quick temper. But I think it’s a quick reaction to bullshit, Penster.
PENCE
The world is flat. It is firmly established that it cannot be moved. Chronicles 16:30.
HARRIS
The world is round. Like your balls. Wait a second…you don’t have any balls.
PENCE
I’m confused.
HARRIS
Let me explain. Do you know why women rub their eyes when they wake up?
PENCE
Have no idea.
HARRIS
Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
PENCE
Let me ask Mother Wife and get back to you.
JERRY
Last week Donald Trump got the coronavirus. And yet he left the hospital without testing negative. The Trumpster can spread the disease to everyone in the White House. What kind of communication will you have with him, Veep?
PENCE
I will be wearing a mask and social distancing the recommended 15 feet.
JERRY
I thought it was 6 feet.
PENCE
I’m allowing an extra 9 in case he has a gasser. Redesivir and KFC with baked beans is toxic.
HARRIS
I’m worried Republican members of Congress will spread the disease to every member. These Trumpsters are determined to carry their baby to full term.
PENCE
Our president saved millions of lives from COVID-19 by stopping flights from China last January. Donald Trump was on top of it.
HARRIS
The only thing Trump was on top of was Stormy Daniels. He ordered travel restrictions on flights from China in February, not January. The flights weren’t banned until June. By that time over 100,000 Americans died from COVID-19. Big lie, Penster.
JERRY
The Trumpster told reporter Bob Woodward he knew how deadly COVID-19 was in early January, but did nothing about it.
PENCE
Mother Wife and I prayed it would go away. I had no idea God was on vacation.
JERRY
You don’t know a lot of things. For instance, if God sneezes when you meet him, what do you say?
PENCE
For God sake, cover your mouth. Don’t you know about the coronavirus?
HARRIS
Let me ask you. How much is Trump’s life insurance payout?
PENCE
I don’t know.
HARRIS
One pence.
JERRY
How will things change if you and Joe Biden are elected?
HARRIS
Number one. We will have Donald Trump arrested and put in a cell with ISIS fighters in Guantanamo Bay.
Number two. We will force Attorney General Barr to participate in the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest until he explodes.
Number three. We will make you Mike Pence teach sex education at Berkeley.
JERRY
That sounds reasonable. Same question to you, Penster. Penster?
PENCE
I’m worried I might enjoy it.
HARRIS
Absolutely you will. Your assistant is going to be Megan Fox.
PENCE
What will I tell Mother Wife?
JERRY
How about, “Do you want me to move out of the house?”
JERRY
How will things change if you and Donald Trump are re-elected?
PENCE
Number one. If the president and I are re-elected, we will build a wall around blue states.
Number two. Fox News will be the only TV network.
Number three. The president and I will invite Putin and Kim to join our cabinet.
JERRY
Hey, Penster. Trump, Putin and Kim jump off a cliff. Who wins?
PENCE
No clue.
JERRY
Mankind.
JERRY
Just a minute, I have a text message. The fly that was on top of Penster’s head during the Vice Presidential debate is in studio.
FLY
Hi Penster. Remember me? I was trying to lay eggs on your head during the debate.
PENCE
I’m flattered that you were attracted to me.
FLY
Don’t let it go to your head. Most women find you disturbing.
JERRY
Hey, Fly. Two flies are sitting on dog poo…
FLY
My favorite meal.
JERRY
One farts. The other says, “Do you mind? I’m eating my dinner.”
FLY
I like you, Duncan. I’m homeless. Can I live with you?
HARRIS
Don’t let her, Jerry. I know about flies. When I was a little girl, we were so poor my mother asked a fly for money. He turned her down, so I killed him and ended up in jail.
FLY
Rough childhood.
HARRIS
Yeah. We didn’t eat healthy and I had plenty of pimples. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
HARRIS
Do you have more time so I can tell you other childhood horror stories?
JERRY
Sorry. I’m not allowed to leave the planet. See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-10-12--Donald Trump’s Debate Replacement

Donald Trump’s Debate Replacement

The show must go on , and so a nationwide hunt is underway for Trump ’ s debate replacement !
Donald Trump has refused to participate in the upcoming second debate after the Commission on Presidential Debates announced that it would be conducted virtually .
The commission is scrambling to find someone to substitute for Trump and has apparently already received the following replies : Of course I would be willing to step in for the President .
After all , I ’ ve just spent the last four years with my head so far up his butt that I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mouth .
Whatever he wants me to say , I ’ ll say it .
Whatever he wants me to do , I ’ ll do it .
God has ordained that I should serve President Trump and nothing would give me more pleasure than to perform in his place .
All I ask is that I don ’ t have to debate any more women .
Needless to say , I was surprised to learn that I was under consideration to sub for President Trump in Thursday ’ s debate .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a lot of buzz after my two-minute performance at the vice presidential debate .
I ’ m , of course , thrilled to hear that and honored just to be considered as a stand-in or fly-in for Mr. Trump .
But , let ’ s face it , a large part of my success was due to the contrast between me and Mike Pence ’ s snow-white hair .
Without that stark background , I suspect I would get lost in the mix and therefore I must decline .
I am always willing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ help my dear husband remain in his separate quarters in the White House .
Although my debate skills are a bit rusty , I do know how to deal with cantankerous old men in their 70s and thus I suspect that I will have little trouble keeping Joe Biden in his place .
Plus , I know how to be civilized and polite so that should give me a leg up right away .
In short , I will Be Best .
I can understand why you ’ ve come to me rather @ @ @ @ @ @ @ woman can barely speak English and her grammar is atrocious .
Be Best ?
What the heck is that ?
The First Daughter is ready and able to stand in for Daddy and trounce Joe Biden with my silky smooth voice and first rate debating skills .
After I ’ m through with that joker , I ’ m sure that Daddy will become King and I will finally be the princess that I ’ ve always wanted to be .
Well , it ’ s about time I got the recognition I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for me , clearly the President would not be where he is today .
As unhinged as the man is , imagine what he ’ d be like if I didn ’ t spend countless hours maintaining my impeccable appearance .
I have demonstrated consistency and equanimity as First Hair and therefore would be more than a match for that senile ex-Veep .
For someone who spends hours a day combing and weaving , ninety minutes debating Joe Biden will be a breeze .
This is definitely a first for me although I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ completely surprised given that everyone from Kayleigh McEnany to Stephen Miller to Chris Christie is unavailable due to either full-blown COVID-19 or a two-week isolation .
I welcome the opportunity to display my debate skills honed during my grade ten civics class .
So long as I remain one of the few White House employees to test negative , I think I could really “ clean up.
” After all , given the President ’ s performance last week , I couldn ’ t do any worse .

The show must go on, and so a nationwide hunt is underway for Trump’s debate replacement!
Donald Trump has refused to participate in the upcoming second debate after the Commission on Presidential Debates announced that it would be conducted virtually. The commission is scrambling to find someone to substitute for Trump and has apparently already received the following replies:
Mike Pence
Of course I would be willing to step in for the President. After all, I’ve just spent the last four years with my head so far up his butt that I can now clearly see through his open mouth. Whatever he wants me to say, I’ll say it. Whatever he wants me to do, I’ll do it. God has ordained that I should serve President Trump and nothing would give me more pleasure than to perform in his place. All I ask is that I don’t have to debate any more women.
Mike Pence’s fly
Needless to say, I was surprised to learn that I was under consideration to sub for President Trump in Thursday’s debate. I’ve been told that I received a lot of buzz after my two-minute performance at the vice presidential debate. I’m, of course, thrilled to hear that and honored just to be considered as a stand-in or fly-in for Mr. Trump. But, let’s face it, a large part of my success was due to the contrast between me and Mike Pence’s snow-white hair. Without that stark background, I suspect I would get lost in the mix and therefore I must decline.
Donald Trump’s wife
I am always willing to take on any task that could help my dear husband remain in his separate quarters in the White House. Although my debate skills are a bit rusty, I do know how to deal with cantankerous old men in their 70s and thus I suspect that I will have little trouble keeping Joe Biden in his place. Plus, I know how to be civilized and polite so that should give me a leg up right away. In short, I will Be Best.
Donald Trump’s daughter
I can understand why you’ve come to me rather than Melania. After all, the woman can barely speak English and her grammar is atrocious. Be Best? What the heck is that? The First Daughter is ready and able to stand in for Daddy and trounce Joe Biden with my silky smooth voice and first rate debating skills. After I’m through with that joker, I’m sure that Daddy will become King and I will finally be the princess that I’ve always wanted to be.
Donald Trump’s hair
Well, it’s about time I got the recognition I deserve. If it weren’t for me, clearly the President would not be where he is today. As unhinged as the man is, imagine what he’d be like if I didn’t spend countless hours maintaining my impeccable appearance. I have demonstrated consistency and equanimity as First Hair and therefore would be more than a match for that senile ex-Veep. For someone who spends hours a day combing and weaving, ninety minutes debating Joe Biden will be a breeze.
White House custodian Lawrence Lipscomb
This is definitely a first for me although I can’t say that I was completely surprised given that everyone from Kayleigh McEnany to Stephen Miller to Chris Christie is unavailable due to either full-blown COVID-19 or a two-week isolation. I welcome the opportunity to display my debate skills honed during my grade ten civics class. So long as I remain one of the few White House employees to test negative, I think I could really “clean up.” After all, given the President’s performance last week, I couldn’t do any worse.


humortimes--2020-10-12--Trials & Tabulations of Two Cheesy Lab Mice Trying to Save the World, Part 2

In cages 6 feet apart , two Lab Mice in a Coronavirus trial study greet their 244 pound agitated visitor… just a part of their many trials & tabulations !
He ’ s awfully big – must ’ ve got extra hormones in the Transgender study !
Looks disgruntled to me .
They ’ ll probably give him a placebo – he ’ s the type .
So you ’ re here because you got Covid & the steroid cocktail , right ?
Well , not quite , IRS gave me a deal – this is 100 hours Community Service @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by ?
Yeah , they promised this would ‘ make me whole ’ .
The whole $ 400 million you owe ?
Well , that explains the ‘ Mini-bar ’ !
Damn , I have to swallow Kale & shit Gold to get Beer Nuts in here !
So what ’ s the deal here – they shoot me up & I play dead if I want to ?
This isn ’ t a rehearsal , Mr. President – some of these mice never make it to dinner !
No worries , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bullet at Walter Reed .
We all have good genes – that ’ s why we ’ re here .
Did you see me wave from my car ?
I love shtick !
Maybe I can shake it up a little in here too – wha ’ d ya say ?
Count me out – I ’ m scheduled to have sex with Big Bertha if you lose & need all the oxygen I can get !
If you missed it – check out Part 1 in this Series ( April 23 , @ @ @ @ @ @ @

In cages 6 feet apart, two Lab Mice in a Coronavirus trial study greet their 244 pound agitated visitor… just a part of their many trials & tabulations!
Meet VINNIE Verman & RICKY Rodentitailia, two lab mice in a Corona virus trial!
VINNIE
Who’s the new dude?
RICKY
He’s awfully big – must’ve got extra hormones in the Transgender study!
VINNIE
Looks disgruntled to me.
RICKY
They’ll probably give him a placebo – he’s the type.
VINNIE
So you’re here because you got Covid & the steroid cocktail, right?
TRUMP
Well, not quite, IRS gave me a deal – this is 100 hours Community Service.
VINNIE
So you’ll just drop by?
TRUMP
Yeah, they promised this would ‘make me whole’.
VINNIE
The whole $400 million you owe?
TRUMP
Yep, Bill Barr has the breakdown.
RICKY
Sweet!
VINNIE
Well, that explains the ‘Mini-bar’!
RICKY
Damn, I have to swallow Kale & shit Gold to get Beer Nuts in here!
TRUMP
So what’s the deal here – they shoot me up & I play dead if I want to?
VINNY
This isn’t a rehearsal, Mr. President – some of these mice never make it to dinner!
TRUMP
No worries, I have good genes & just dodged a bullet at Walter Reed.
VINNY
We all have good genes – that’s why we’re here.
TRUMP
Did you see me wave from my car?
VINNY
Who didn’t?
TRUMP
I love shtick! Maybe I can shake it up a little in here too – wha’d ya say?
RICKY
Count me out – I’m scheduled to have sex with Big Bertha if you lose & need all the oxygen I can get!
Sorry, no pics!
Okay…
If you missed it – check out Part 1 in this Series (April 23, 2020) in the Humor Times!


humortimes--2020-10-12--We Can See Clearly Now

We Can See Clearly Now

We Can See Clearly Now : A song of joy to sing when Trump is defeated .
We can see @ @ @ @ @ gone .
We can see all the corruption that blocked our way .
Gone are @ @ @ @ @ truth blind We won the fight this bright , bright sunshiny day !
Fought for @ @ @ @ @ bright , bright sunshiny day !

We Can See Clearly Now: A song of joy to sing when Trump is defeated.
We can see clearly now that Trump is gone.
We can see all the corruption that blocked our way.
Gone are the dark clouds that robbed truth blind
We won the fight this bright, bright sunshiny day!
Fought for what’s right this bright, bright sunshiny day!
(additional verse:)
We can see clearly now that Trump is gone.
We can see all the obstacles that blocked truth’s way,
Gone the dark clouds that had his base blind.
There’s hope in sight this bright, bright sunshiny day!
That truth is might this bright, bright sunshiny day!
The country can make it now that Trump is gone,
Corruption and race bating disappear.
Trump’s demise is what we’ve been praying for.
Trump out of sight this bright, bright sunshiny day!
No tweets tonight this bright, bright sunshiny day!
Look all around, no red tie, just blue skies.
Look straight ahead, there’s hope now for blue skies.
We can see clearly now that Trump is gone.
We can see all the corruption that blocked our way.
Gone are the dark clouds that robbed truth blind
We won the fight this bright, bright sunshiny day!
Fought for what’s right this bright, bright sunshiny day!
Oh what a bright, bright sunshiny day!
(A parody by Diane de Anda of “I Can See Clearly Now” by Johnny Nash.)


humortimes--2020-10-13--The Hedged Bet and the Fox News

The Hedged Bet and the Fox News

President Trump made history the other day , even while treating his bout with COVID as a thing of the past .
Scoffing at the whole idea of staging a virtual debate with Joe Biden as “ ridiculous , ” Trump told Fox News host Maria Bartiromo that it didn ’ t make any difference : “ I beat him easily in the first debate… I felt I beat him .
I think he felt it too.
” He added , “ in the second debate we have a never-Trumper as a host .
But that ’ s OK because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also .
But I ’ m not gon na do a virtual debate.
” 1 Hold on : Mr. Trump already won the second debate ?
He won a Presidential debate that has yet to occur ?
If so , all bets are off — except mine .
Does Mr. Trump know something we don ’ t ?
Or… know Somebody ?
How is it possible ?
Or did debate No.2 take place in the Leni Riefenstahl theatre of Trump ’ s mind ?
Is he clairvoyant ?
Was he predicting the future @ @ @ @ @ @ @ times… like the Supreme Being ?
Scary thought — enough to make anyone wonder if the future isn ’ t contingent , but simply predestined .
Where are those exceptional 17th century Puritans when we need them to explain what all this means ?
Or are they all celebrating Trump ’ s return from Walter Reed , as the second homecoming of Lazarus ?
After all , who needs a virtual debate , when the real One is transparent ?
For that matter , who needs an election , except to Heaven : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ advance .
Forget about going back to the future : future doom is now .
History is bunk — Der Führer sei uns ewig .
[ 1 ] “ Mornings with Maria , ” telephone interview with Pres .
Trump , Fox News Network , October 8 , 2020 .
Steve Scully ( C-Span ) is the “ never-Trumper ” to whom Trump alludes .
A moment later , Trump said “ I have a host who I always thought was a nice guy , but I see he ’ s a never-Trumper… @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Maria , believe it or not , because they don ’ t like to win.
” I believe it , although it may be news to Scully , whose name isn ’ t mentioned .
But then , what ’ s a host compared to the holy host ?
And what ’ s a virtual debate , compared to getting a live ‘ phone call in the studio from Almighty God ?

Trump’s hedged bet can’t be beat.
President Trump made history the other day, even while treating his bout with COVID as a thing of the past. Scoffing at the whole idea of staging a virtual debate with Joe Biden as “ridiculous,” Trump told Fox News host Maria Bartiromo that it didn’t make any difference: “I beat him easily in the first debate… I felt I beat him. I think he felt it too.” He added, “in the second debate we have a never-Trumper as a host. But that’s OK because I beat him in the second debate also. But I’m not gonna do a virtual debate.”1
Hold on: Mr. Trump already won the second debate? He won a Presidential debate that has yet to occur? If so, all bets are off — except mine. Does Mr. Trump know something we don’t? Or… know Somebody? How is it possible? Or did debate No.2 take place in the Leni Riefenstahl theatre of Trump’s mind? Is he clairvoyant? Was he predicting the future, or is he present at all times… like the Supreme Being? Scary thought — enough to make anyone wonder if the future isn’t contingent, but simply predestined. Where are those exceptional 17th century Puritans when we need them to explain what all this means? Or are they all celebrating Trump’s return from Walter Reed, as the second homecoming of Lazarus? After all, who needs a virtual debate, when the real One is transparent? For that matter, who needs an election, except to Heaven: and that was determined, long in advance. Forget about going back to the future: future doom is now. History is bunk — Der Führer sei uns ewig.
[1] “Mornings with Maria,” telephone interview with Pres. Trump, Fox News Network, October 8, 2020. Steve Scully (C-Span) is the “never-Trumper” to whom Trump alludes. A moment later, Trump said “I have a host who I always thought was a nice guy, but I see he’s a never-Trumper… we do have some of them, Maria, believe it or not, because they don’t like to win.” I believe it, although it may be news to Scully, whose name isn’t mentioned. But then, what’s a host compared to the holy host? And what’s a virtual debate, compared to getting a live ‘phone call in the studio from Almighty God?


humortimes--2020-10-13--Donald Trump and the Nobel Prize

Donald Trump and the Nobel Prize

Ever since Donald Trump became the US President , his racist agenda has had one goal namely , to undo all that Barack Obama had succeeded in achieving .
In one respect , however he has been unsuccessful namely to get the Nobel Peace Prize that Barack Obama was awarded .
He saw his first opportunity to get the Nobel Prize in his dealings with the North Korean dictator , Kim Jong Un who was arming his country with nuclear weapons including the most powerful hydrogen bomb .
Initially Donald Trump threatened to destroy North Korea totally and abused Kim @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a “ rocket man.
” Kim in turn called Trump “ mentally deranged dotard.
” Following the exchange of these ‘ niceties , ’ the two have met three times between 2018 and 2019 in Singapore , Hanoi and the Korean demilitarized zone .
At the end pf the Singapore meeting , Mr. Trump loudly proclaimed that he should be awarded the Noble Peace Prize for his diplomacy with North Korea .
“ If Obama got the Prize , why shouldn ’ t I get one ” has been his parole according to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Singapore meeting did not produce any substantial results .
Rocket man Kim did not trust that dotard Trump would offer him the security that the nuclear bombs do .
Mr. Trump was told by his nearest advisers to forget the Nobel Prize .
However , the two men have become buddies .
The main reason for this bromance is that Trump hopes to build a Trump Tower in the North Korean Capital Pyongyang and seems to have promised Kim relaxation in economic sanctions once he gets re-elected .
If not a Noble @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
Trump ’ s obsession with the thought that Obama got a Nobel Prize has not decreased .
He saw his second chance in getting a Nobel Prize during the corona crisis by coming with a bright idea to cure coronavirus infection .
Afterall the virus has been destabilizing a whole world .
Trump ’ s brilliant proposal is a daily intake of antimalaria drug hydroxychloroquine .
He says he takes the drug in order to get immunity against coronavirus infection .
Trump even pressured the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to approve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Some of his ardent supporters voiced the opinion that Trump should get a Nobel Prize in medicine for his “ discovery ” of hydroxychloroquine as corona medicine !
In fact , some of these nitwits contacted the Nobel Assembly at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm only to be informed that the Prize is awarded for discovery of major importance in life science or medicine , adding that available scientific evidence based on large trials of the drug shows that the drug has no effect on the virus .
May be Trump should try @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for his books on how to get rich and think big !
Amid all these activities to promote the case of hydroxychloroquine and while coronavirus was taking its toll in the US , Trump and the First Lady Melania Trump arranged a real show at the White House to unveil the Supreme Court nominee , Amy Coney Barrett .
This congested show acted as a nexus for the spread of virus .
Several of the attendees including Donald and Melania Trump contracted coronavirus .
Despite the fact that Trump was tested positive , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ meetings .
At the Republican Party Convention Melania Trump said “ Donald will not rest until he has done all he can to take care of everyone impacted by this terrible pandemic.
” Shouldn ’ t she have said instead that “ Donald will not rest until he has succeeded in spreading the coronavirus to all Americans ” ?
Had Trump ’ s zeal to promote anti-malarial drug diminished ?
Not really .
Trump came down with high fever and low oxygen saturation level on Friday evening following the Amy Barrett show .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Walter Reed National Military Medical Center .
The same treatment was repeated on Saturday .
Disregarding precautions to contain the spread of the coronavirus , the President took a car ride already on Sunday in order to salute his supporters , including many Patriot Riders of America , who had gathered outside the hospital .
On Monday the President returned to the White House where he posed mask-less for a photo downplaying the seriousness of Corona virus that has killed over 210 000 Americans .
It would not surprise anyone if Trump soon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from coronavirus infection because he regularly took the antimalarial drug .
He is haunted by the fact Barack Obama got a Nobel Prize but he has not .
However , Trump can console himself by the fact that he can add one more title to his merits “ The Super Coronavirus Spreader-in chief .
”

By A. Khakee, Professor Emeritus (Umeå University), Stockholm, Sweden
Ever since Donald Trump became the US President, his racist agenda has had one goal namely, to undo all that Barack Obama had succeeded in achieving. In one respect, however he has been unsuccessful namely to get the Nobel Peace Prize that Barack Obama was awarded.
He saw his first opportunity to get the Nobel Prize in his dealings with the North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un who was arming his country with nuclear weapons including the most powerful hydrogen bomb. Initially Donald Trump threatened to destroy North Korea totally and abused Kim calling him a “madman” and a “rocket man.” Kim in turn called Trump “mentally deranged dotard.”
Following the exchange of these ‘niceties,’ the two have met three times between 2018 and 2019 in Singapore, Hanoi and the Korean demilitarized zone. At the end pf the Singapore meeting, Mr. Trump loudly proclaimed that he should be awarded the Noble Peace Prize for his diplomacy with North Korea. “If Obama got the Prize, why shouldn’t I get one” has been his parole according to one of his aides. However, the Singapore meeting did not produce any substantial results. Rocket man Kim did not trust that dotard Trump would offer him the security that the nuclear bombs do. Mr. Trump was told by his nearest advisers to forget the Nobel Prize.
However, the two men have become buddies. The main reason for this bromance is that Trump hopes to build a Trump Tower in the North Korean Capital Pyongyang and seems to have promised Kim relaxation in economic sanctions once he gets re-elected. If not a Noble Prize, at least a Trump Tower!
Trump’s obsession with the thought that Obama got a Nobel Prize has not decreased. He saw his second chance in getting a Nobel Prize during the corona crisis by coming with a bright idea to cure coronavirus infection. Afterall the virus has been destabilizing a whole world. Trump’s brilliant proposal is a daily intake of antimalaria drug hydroxychloroquine. He says he takes the drug in order to get immunity against coronavirus infection. Trump even pressured the U.S. Food and Drug Administration to approve the antimalarial drug to treat coronavirus. Some of his ardent supporters voiced the opinion that Trump should get a Nobel Prize in medicine for his “discovery” of hydroxychloroquine as corona medicine! In fact, some of these nitwits contacted the Nobel Assembly at the Karolinska Institute in Stockholm only to be informed that the Prize is awarded for discovery of major importance in life science or medicine, adding that available scientific evidence based on large trials of the drug shows that the drug has no effect on the virus. May be Trump should try to get the Nobel Prize in Economics for his books on how to get rich and think big!
Amid all these activities to promote the case of hydroxychloroquine and while coronavirus was taking its toll in the US, Trump and the First Lady Melania Trump arranged a real show at the White House to unveil the Supreme Court nominee, Amy Coney Barrett. This congested show acted as a nexus for the spread of virus. Several of the attendees including Donald and Melania Trump contracted coronavirus. Despite the fact that Trump was tested positive, he continued to meet people at political meetings. At the Republican Party Convention Melania Trump said “Donald will not rest until he has done all he can to take care of everyone impacted by this terrible pandemic.” Shouldn’t she have said instead that “Donald will not rest until he has succeeded in spreading the coronavirus to all Americans”?
Had Trump’s zeal to promote anti-malarial drug diminished? Not really. Trump came down with high fever and low oxygen saturation level on Friday evening following the Amy Barrett show. He was given supplementary oxygen at the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center. The same treatment was repeated on Saturday. Disregarding precautions to contain the spread of the coronavirus, the President took a car ride already on Sunday in order to salute his supporters, including many Patriot Riders of America, who had gathered outside the hospital. On Monday the President returned to the White House where he posed mask-less for a photo downplaying the seriousness of Corona virus that has killed over 210 000 Americans.
It would not surprise anyone if Trump soon claims that he managed to recover quickly from coronavirus infection because he regularly took the antimalarial drug. He is haunted by the fact Barack Obama got a Nobel Prize but he has not. However, Trump can console himself by the fact that he can add one more title to his merits “The Super Coronavirus Spreader-in chief.”