humortimes--2020-02-08--Movie Review: ‘Birds of Prey’

Movie Review: ‘Birds of Prey’

I cycled out of my comic book phase at about 13 .
I did it with the radio in order to get my Superman , Sergeant Preston of the Yukon , Hop Harrigan : Ace of the Airways and , not to mention , Sky King fixes .
Today , I notice seemingly mature folks are getting off on an unending glut of action-hero films .
Most of these extraordinary saviors are totally capable of leaping tall buildings in a single bound .
Ho-hum , I say .
All the CGI in the universe can ’ t bail out this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Thus comes now Birds of Prey .
It ’ s a derivative of Bat Guy and Robin , plus those assorted villains who hole-up in the darker burbs of Gotham City .
Oh boy , Bat Guy was one of my favorites .
How could Bruce Wayne do all that not being Clark Kent ?
And The Joker : surely no person could be that monstrous , unless they ’ ve seen Joaquin Phoenix do him .
Birds of Prey , if you didn ’ t know , brings forth a more derivative @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Harley Quinn , she goes by , and played by the busy Margot Robbie .
Ms. Quinn is known around the chiaroscuro metropolis as The Joker ’ s main squeeze .
In a film that has as lengthy a title as any picture except for Dr .
Strange Love… Birds of Prey ( and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn ) will take your breath away just saying it .
Our action-packed story opens just after Harley has been kicked out… no joke… by The Joker .
She ’ s on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Ewan McGregor plays an even bigger crook whom the script labels as Roman Sionious ( Not to be confused with the word “ sinus ” ) .
Roman ’ s out for Harley ’ s backside , figuratively speaking and in a most violent , non-erotic manner .
In comic book reality , Roman is The Black Mask Dude .
Oooo , really bad .
Say you ’ ve been keeping up with this DC Comics scheme of things : certain “ oh yeahs ” will easily come to mind as the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ For me though , since I ’ m way over the age of 13… not so much .
Movie franchises demand that one lop on to every nook and cranny of these predictable fables to get the full skinny on how damn funny they can be… and ever more so violent and grisly than static color drawings on a comic page of fictional pulp .
The grisliness that gives with reality-looking modern techniques of perfection , formerly known as CGI , blows Birds of Prey way too far from being a hoot movie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Gotham .
Real people being bound and strung upside down by Roman ’ s hoods in order to make it easier for these thugs to then slash the victims ’ throats is a bit much .
It is not implied but , Lawzee , just displayed .
Ugh and Heavens to Betsy .
What ’ s up ?
It ’ s neither Reservoir nor Straw Dogs .
Dare I say this action-packed smash-arse movie is a full-bore chick flick ?
That remark could make me the target of Ms. Quinn ’ s band @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the plot propels itself to the grandiose finish .
The adroit females who , in turn , show up are Rosie Perez , the lady cop ; Mary Elizabeth Winstead , The Huntress ( with crossbow in tow ) and Black Canary , who is so adept at belting a song in Roman ’ s chic nightclub and chauffeuring him in his Rolls-Royce .
Jurnee Smollett-Bell ’ s , got that role .
Finally , a small but significant part the script has to intensify motivation : a pubescent female street kid named @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Ella Jay Bosco got the nod for that job .
All these gals look like they go to the gym a lot , and can lay low any male jerk who might be trying to go where the ladies don ’ t want him to be .
In the Not-So-Surprising category of Birds of Prey , we got ourselves the two main creators of this persistently bawdy and brawl of a flick : screenplay person , Christina Hobson and director person , Cathy Yan .
Dudes !
Do I make myself clear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the kids home with the sitter .
Shucks , children have plenty of violence to look “ forward ” to… if the fundamental message of that movie called Joker is realized by you .
Some people didn ’ t get that work of art figured out , ya know .

Birds of Prey — a film review by Gary Chew
I cycled out of my comic book phase at about 13. I did it with the radio in order to get my Superman, Sergeant Preston of the Yukon, Hop Harrigan: Ace of the Airways and, not to mention, Sky King fixes. Today, I notice seemingly mature folks are getting off on an unending glut of action-hero films. Most of these extraordinary saviors are totally capable of leaping tall buildings in a single bound. Ho-hum, I say. All the CGI in the universe can’t bail out this genre for me… at my age.
Thus comes now Birds of Prey. It’s a derivative of Bat Guy and Robin, plus those assorted villains who hole-up in the darker burbs of Gotham City. Oh boy, Bat Guy was one of my favorites. How could Bruce Wayne do all that not being Clark Kent? And The Joker: surely no person could be that monstrous, unless they’ve seen Joaquin Phoenix do him.
Birds of Prey, if you didn’t know, brings forth a more derivative character from the Bat Guy epoch. Harley Quinn, she goes by, and played by the busy Margot Robbie. Ms. Quinn is known around the chiaroscuro metropolis as The Joker’s main squeeze. In a film that has as lengthy a title as any picture except for Dr. Strange Love… Birds of Prey (and the Fantabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn) will take your breath away just saying it.
Our action-packed story opens just after Harley has been kicked out… no joke… by The Joker. She’s on the lam like any villainous figure in Gotham. Ewan McGregor plays an even bigger crook whom the script labels as Roman Sionious (Not to be confused with the word “sinus”). Roman’s out for Harley’s backside, figuratively speaking and in a most violent, non-erotic manner. In comic book reality, Roman is The Black Mask Dude. Oooo, really bad.
Say you’ve been keeping up with this DC Comics scheme of things: certain “oh yeahs” will easily come to mind as the plot screeches by in wide-screen CGI-nish. For me though, since I’m way over the age of 13… not so much . Movie franchises demand that one lop on to every nook and cranny of these predictable fables to get the full skinny on how damn funny they can be… and ever more so violent and grisly than static color drawings on a comic page of fictional pulp. The grisliness that gives with reality-looking modern techniques of perfection, formerly known as CGI, blows Birds of Prey way too far from being a hoot movie of a fun and fight night in Gotham.
Real people being bound and strung upside down by Roman’s hoods in order to make it easier for these thugs to then slash the victims’ throats is a bit much. It is not implied but, Lawzee, just displayed . Ugh and Heavens to Betsy. What’s up? It’s neither Reservoir nor Straw Dogs.
Dare I say this action-packed smash-arse movie is a full-bore chick flick? That remark could make me the target of Ms. Quinn’s band of badass angels who do accrue as the plot propels itself to the grandiose finish. The adroit females who, in turn, show up are Rosie Perez, the lady cop; Mary Elizabeth Winstead, The Huntress (with crossbow in tow) and Black Canary, who is so adept at belting a song in Roman’s chic nightclub and chauffeuring him in his Rolls-Royce. Jurnee Smollett-Bell’s, got that role. Finally, a small but significant part the script has to intensify motivation: a pubescent female street kid named Casandra, who ought not go unheeded. Ella Jay Bosco got the nod for that job. All these gals look like they go to the gym a lot, and can lay low any male jerk who might be trying to go where the ladies don’t want him to be.
In the Not-So-Surprising category of Birds of Prey, we got ourselves the two main creators of this persistently bawdy and brawl of a flick: screenplay person, Christina Hobson and director person, Cathy Yan. Dudes! Do I make myself clear?
And to the parents: leave the kids home with the sitter. Shucks, children have plenty of violence to look “forward” to… if the fundamental message of that movie called Joker is realized by you. Some people didn’t get that work of art figured out, ya know.


humortimes--2020-02-10--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Republican Sheep on the Lamb

A GOP cover-up sweeps all of the dirt under a thug .
You can always count on Trump to take @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not about “ you , ” it ’ s about U-S-A !
To @ @ @ @ @ respect and admire I must add Mitt .
Trump ’ s reelection campaign : For @ @ @ @ @ health scare for all .
Conservatives are against any change that doesn ’ t end @ @ @ @ @ .
One-percenters have become too big for their riches .
Counting on less for more @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re all alone you ’ ve got no one to blame but yourself @ @ @ @ @ the woman who has everything : More closet space !
How to make love last @ @ @ @ @ end of the day .
Follow your heart until it stops .

Republican sheep heard shear madness!
A GOP cover-up sweeps all of the dirt under a thug.
You can always count on Trump to take a victory slap.
It’s not about “you,” it’s about U-S-A!
Fox news propaganda: “Talk-sick” for America.
Republicans: Their lies betray all.
To a list of those I respect and admire I must add Mitt.
Trump vs. Pelosi: Terrorist vs. Tearerist.
If you hate speech, shut-up!
Trump’s reelection campaign: For more fears!
Racist the urge to discriminate.
Republicans want health scare for all.
Conservatives are against any change that doesn’t end up in their own pocket.
Big business: Super-size Monopo-lies.
One-percenters have become too big for their riches.
Counting for more on less is governmental non-census.
If you’re all alone you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.
The perfect gift for the woman who has everything: More closet space!
How to make love last: Wait until the very end of the day.
Follow your heart until it stops.


humortimes--2020-02-11--Ripping the Headlines Today 2/11/20

Ripping the Headlines Today 2/11/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from people who think Jlo and Shakira Super Bowl halftime show will turn their daughters into strippers 12 days after marrying in a private Malibu ceremony , Pamela Anderson & Jon Peters have called it off .
It was marriage No .
5 for both … on the bright side , each one ’ s next marriage comes with a free medium drink and order of fries… Bernie Sanders keeps talking about Trump and the 1 % Jokes on Bernie .
Trump doesn ’ t have enough money to be in the 1 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lasers , no one knows why Maybe , it ’ s just to play with catfish… A seat-filler at the Grammys says Ariana Grande said “ not right now ” when he asked for a selfie after she lost to Billie Eilish The saddest part is she didn ’ t even recognize it was Pete Davidson .
In fairness , Rush getting the Medal of Freedom is like Roy Moore Jr being named ‘ Man of the Year ’ by Teen Vogue .
Really ?
And , I thought they threw Harvey Weinstein @ @ @ @ @ @ @ associate Lev Parnas trolls Trump by threatening to release new photo of them together every time Trump claims not to know him So , what ’ s the difference between God and Lev Parnas ?
God is seen everywhere ; Lev is seen everywhere except with Hillary .
Susan Collins says it would not be appropriate for Trump to retaliate against impeachment witnesses Hoping Collins ’ s staff has pre-existing coverage because they must be hurting from constant whiplash !
Kirk did live a long life .
When he made ‘ Spartacus , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Donald Trump Jr. calls on Mitt Romney to be “ expelled ” from GOP over impeachment vote … if you think that was rough , you should ’ ve heard it in the original Russian…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
NFL gets complaints from people who think Jlo and Shakira Super Bowl halftime show will turn their daughters into strippers
Apparently, the Super Bowl halftime show is considered a gateway pole.
12 days after marrying in a private Malibu ceremony, Pamela Anderson & Jon Peters have called it off. It was marriage No. 5 for both
… on the bright side, each one’s next marriage comes with a free medium drink and order of fries…
Bernie Sanders keeps talking about Trump and the 1%
Jokes on Bernie. Trump doesn’t have enough money to be in the 1%.
Navy arming nuclear subs with lasers, no one knows why
Maybe, it’s just to play with catfish…
Trump acquitted in Senate Impeachment trial vote
Final tally: 52 – Nyet; 48 – Dah.
A seat-filler at the Grammys says Ariana Grande said “not right now” when he asked for a selfie after she lost to Billie Eilish
The saddest part is she didn’t even recognize it was Pete Davidson.
Rush Limbaugh’s Medal of Freedom from Trump draws backlash
In fairness, Rush getting the Medal of Freedom is like Roy Moore Jr being named ‘Man of the Year’ by Teen Vogue.
‘Parasite’ wins Oscar
Really? And, I thought they threw Harvey Weinstein out of the Film Academy.
Giuliani associate Lev Parnas trolls Trump by threatening to release new photo of them together every time Trump claims not to know him
So, what’s the difference between God and Lev Parnas? God is seen everywhere; Lev is seen everywhere except with Hillary.
Susan Collins says it would not be appropriate for Trump to retaliate against impeachment witnesses
Hoping Collins’s staff has pre-existing coverage because they must be hurting from constant whiplash!
Kirk Douglas, legendary Hollywood tough guy, dies at 103
Kirk did live a long life. When he made ‘Spartacus,’ it was considered a contemporary thriller.
Donald Trump Jr. calls on Mitt Romney to be “expelled” from GOP over impeachment vote
… if you think that was rough, you should’ve heard it in the original Russian…


humortimes--2020-02-11--Other States on Iowa’s Crazy Caucuses

Other States on Iowa’s Crazy Caucuses

In the wake of the Iowa crazy caucuses vote count debacle , a number of other states have spoken out about the “ first in the nation ” disaster .
You know who used to be first in the nation and never screwed up its voting process ?
New Hampshire , that ’ s who .
I warned you against using those crazy caucuses methods when Iowa grabbed first spot and relegated me to second position .
If you wan na choose a nominee quickly and efficiently , think New Hampshire and make us first again .
Check out our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ start to the primary season .
When you hear my name you probably think “ sins and vices ” but we want to be seen as a responsible partner in the democratic process .
After all , who ’ s the best when it comes to reliability with numbers ?
Ask any high roller and he ’ ll tell you Nevada ’ s a straight shooter .
Plus , thanks to our gambling expertise , we ’ ve got the most sophisticated counting software in the nation .
Whether you want a caucus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ political or otherwise ) , choose us to be first .
And remember , any votes in Vegas stay in Vegas .
Caucuses , schmaucuses .
What do you expect when a bunch of corn-fed farmers sit around in 1700 halls and try to pick a nominee ?
To avoid that mess in 2024 , it ’ s time to choose Delaware and our Tupperware-inspired house party voting system .
Hundreds of Delaware housewives will invite neighbors over for an evening of snacks , games and lingerie modelling .
Each Presidential candidate will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the final sales totals will determine who wins my precious 28 convention delegates .
I don ’ t think this is the right time to pick on Iowa just because they screwed up .
But it is time they got out of the caucus business altogether and I know what I ’ m talking about because we used to caucus , too , but recently saw the light and switched to a primary system .
If nothing else , a primary attracts more voters and that means more money spent which is helpful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fewer trees and lobsters to harvest , we definitely need more voters .
I ’ m tired of being called the Forgotten State especially when we ’ ve got a voting system second to none although most of you folks haven ’ t even heard of it .
We know that you just can ’ t rely on humans .
That ’ s why for the final week of April every four years , we invite Democratic candidates and their supporters to roam our state applying their individual brands to any of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Cheyenne .
The “ polls ” close at 12 noon on April 30th at which time our ranchers will spend the rest of the day tallying the results .
We may have been the last of the original thirteen colonies to join the Union but there ’ s no reason we can ’ t be the first in choosing the Democratic Presidential candidate with a late January voting date .
Forget crazy caucuses and primaries ; for 2024 , the Ocean State opts to join forces with the Girl Scouts and their annual @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be asked to choose a box of cookies bearing a likeness of their preferred candidate .
Customers are encouraged to buy more than one box and can even “ split ” their votes , if they wish .

In the wake of the Iowa crazy caucuses vote count debacle, a number of other states have spoken out about the “first in the nation” disaster.
New Hampshire
You know who used to be first in the nation and never screwed up its voting process? New Hampshire, that’s who. I warned you against using those crazy caucuses methods when Iowa grabbed first spot and relegated me to second position. If you wanna choose a nominee quickly and efficiently, think New Hampshire and make us first again. Check out our historical record. We guarantee a disaster-free start to the primary season.
Nevada
When you hear my name you probably think “sins and vices” but we want to be seen as a responsible partner in the democratic process. After all, who’s the best when it comes to reliability with numbers? Ask any high roller and he’ll tell you Nevada’s a straight shooter. Plus, thanks to our gambling expertise, we’ve got the most sophisticated counting software in the nation. Whether you want a caucus, a primary or a convention (political or otherwise), choose us to be first. And remember, any votes in Vegas stay in Vegas.
Delaware
Caucuses, schmaucuses. What do you expect when a bunch of corn-fed farmers sit around in 1700 halls and try to pick a nominee? To avoid that mess in 2024, it’s time to choose Delaware and our Tupperware-inspired house party voting system. Hundreds of Delaware housewives will invite neighbors over for an evening of snacks, games and lingerie modelling. Each Presidential candidate will be assigned a particular racy undergarment and the final sales totals will determine who wins my precious 28 convention delegates.
Maine
I don’t think this is the right time to pick on Iowa just because they screwed up. But it is time they got out of the caucus business altogether and I know what I’m talking about because we used to caucus, too, but recently saw the light and switched to a primary system. If nothing else, a primary attracts more voters and that means more money spent which is helpful considering our bleak economic outlook. With fewer trees and lobsters to harvest, we definitely need more voters.
Wyoming
I’m tired of being called the Forgotten State especially when we’ve got a voting system second to none although most of you folks haven’t even heard of it. We know that you just can’t rely on humans. That’s why for the final week of April every four years, we invite Democratic candidates and their supporters to roam our state applying their individual brands to any of the millions of cattle grazing from Casper to Cheyenne. The “polls” close at 12 noon on April 30th at which time our ranchers will spend the rest of the day tallying the results.
Rhode Island
We may have been the last of the original thirteen colonies to join the Union but there’s no reason we can’t be the first in choosing the Democratic Presidential candidate with a late January voting date. Forget crazy caucuses and primaries; for 2024, the Ocean State opts to join forces with the Girl Scouts and their annual door-to-door cookie sale. Potential purchasers will be asked to choose a box of cookies bearing a likeness of their preferred candidate. Customers are encouraged to buy more than one box and can even “split” their votes, if they wish.


humortimes--2020-02-11--Top 10 Despots in History

Top 10 Despots in History

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Trump’s Valentine Tweets

On Valentine ’ s Day , most folks exchange cards .
However , we expect President Trump to send out Valentine tweets instead , like these : The Midwest is red , Both coasts are blue .
But thanks to your defects , I surely can ’ t lose .
Thanks bigly , Valentine .
They say you are a billionaire With wealth beyond compare .
But there ’ s something you don ’ t have that I do And I ’ m not speaking of my hair .
My six foot three is something that I know you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no longer diss you with the nickname Little Mike .
Happy Valentine ’ s Day , Little Mike .
Love is patient and kind , Love does not envy or boast , It is not arrogant .
But mostly love is patient , And I love waiting for you to fail .
Have a restful Valentine ’ s Day , Sleepy Joe .
I love it when you ’ re on TV , You ’ re such a funny guy .
And no matter what you say or do They always take your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
My love ’ s like a White , White House I ’ ve held a long , long time .
My love ’ s like an Oval Office That is forever mine .
If fair thou art , dear Mitchell , You ’ ll protect my sacred trust .
But if you don ’ t I hope you know I ’ ll throw you ‘ neath the bus .
Thanks for the impeachment acquittal , Valentine .
Congrats upon your current post , You ’ re second in command .
I wouldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Given what I might have planned .
Don ’ t count on four more years , Valentine .
I really like to be with you , You are my special friend .
But if you fail to buss my butt , Our friendship ’ s at an end .
Pucker up , Valentine .
I know you ’ re a Red , But I ’ m no longer blue Since I won the election , Here ’ s a giant thank-you .
Das vedanya , Valentine .
How do I love thee ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ my fantastic victories To my most stable geniosity , I am a huge , huge success , And the greatest president ever .
I love me , Valentine .

On Valentine’s Day, most folks exchange cards. However, we expect President Trump to send out Valentine tweets instead, like these:
Donald Trump to the Electoral College
The Midwest is red,
Both coasts are blue.
But thanks to your defects,
I surely can’t lose.
Thanks bigly, Valentine.
Donald Trump to Michael Bloomberg
They say you are a billionaire
With wealth beyond compare.
But there’s something you don’t have that I do
And I’m not speaking of my hair.
My six foot three is something that I know you’d surely like
So then I could no longer diss you with the nickname Little Mike.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Little Mike.
Donald Trump to Joe Biden
Love is patient and kind,
Love does not envy or boast,
It is not arrogant.
But mostly love is patient,
And I love waiting for you to fail.
Have a restful Valentine’s Day, Sleepy Joe.
Donald Trump to Rudy Giuliani
I love it when you’re on TV,
You’re such a funny guy.
And no matter what you say or do
They always take your lie.
You are my crazy Valentine.
Donald Trump to Mitch McConnell
My love’s like a White, White House
I’ve held a long, long time.
My love’s like an Oval Office
That is forever mine.
If fair thou art, dear Mitchell,
You’ll protect my sacred trust.
But if you don’t I hope you know
I’ll throw you ‘neath the bus.
Thanks for the impeachment acquittal, Valentine.
Donald Trump to Mike Pence
Congrats upon your current post,
You’re second in command.
I wouldn’t get too comfy, though
Given what I might have planned.
Don’t count on four more years, Valentine.
Donald Trump to Lindsey Graham
I really like to be with you,
You are my special friend.
But if you fail to buss my butt,
Our friendship’s at an end.
Pucker up, Valentine.
Donald Trump to Vladimir Putin
I know you’re a Red,
But I’m no longer blue
Since I won the election,
Here’s a giant thank-you.
Das vedanya, Valentine.
Donald Trump to Donald Trump
How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways,
From my fantastic victories
To my most stable geniosity,
I am a huge, huge success,
And the greatest president ever.
I love me, Valentine.


humortimes--2020-02-13--Health Care for People… or for Corporate Profits?

The decades-long struggle to ensure decent health care as a human right is up against greed ’ s eternal struggle for ever-higher corporate profits .
When grassroots groups rise up against the corporate profits establishment trying to win some specific progressive change for the common good , the odds against them can seem daunting .
As an old saying puts it : Where there ’ s a will… there are 1,000 won ’ ts .
Those won ’ ts tend to be moneyed powers making a killing from the status quo , so they ’ re dead set against any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ case in the decades-long political struggle to ensure that every man , woman and child in our country gets decent health care as a human right .
Today , even though we Americans pay by far the highest price for health care , most people are denied that right by our country ’ s profiteering , corporate-run medical industry , which treats care as a privileged commodity .
So many families are left out and maltreated by this dysfunctional system that more than 70 % of Americans ( including a majority of Republicans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Medicare for All ” publicly financed system that provides full health coverage for everyone , even as it saves us money .
So here come 1,000 screaming won ’ ts , rushing out to crush the people ’ s will .
Such usual clusters of far-right plutocratic power as the Koch brothers ’ billionaire club , Karl Rove ’ s political monkey wrenchers and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce clique of giant corporations have deployed their forces .
But the present system is so bad , and public support for Medicare for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , that the usual corporate dismissal of such ideas wasn ’ t working , spooking the profiteers .
Time for a powerhouse front group !
Two years ago , the corporate won ’ ts met secretly in downtown Washington to set up an industry-wide PR/lobbying juggernaut , giving it the stealth name of Partnership for America ’ s Health Care Future .
Of course , what they care about is the future of their rip-off profits , and they ’ ve committed hundreds of millions of dollars and hired an army of more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and Congress with a nuclear level of propaganda and raw political deceit .
This Partnership of Profiteers is Washington politics at its worst — a handful of cynical self-interests using cloaks , dark money and lies to rig the system for corporate profits at the expense of human health and political morality .
As former President Lyndon Johnson used to say about special interests trying to get his support to pass some blatantly self-serving legislation : “ I may not know much , but I do know the difference between chicken s— and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is all that the corporate health complex has to work with as it frantically tries to defend its current system of mass malpractice .
After all , as most Americans have learned the hard way , the corporatized “ care ” of profiteering insurance giants , Big Pharma and hospital chains grossly overcharge us while constantly trying to shortchange or outright deny care to millions of our families .
So , unable to win public support on their own merit , the corporatists and their hired political hacks are going all out to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of America ’ s dysfunctional system .
They ’ re running a multi-million-dollar PR and lobbying campaign of lies to trash and kill all reforms that would deliver quality , comprehensive care to everyone , at far less cost than they can deliver .
The profiteers masquerading as a Partnership for America ’ s Health Care Future warn ominously that such reforms as Medicare for All and a public option for health insurance would take away people ’ s “ choice ” and their “ control ” over health care .
Hello … @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Our “ care ” is managed by a handful of drug and hospital monopolists whose primary objective is not improving our health but fattening their profits .
And the undeniable , ugly truth is that the “ Partnership ” fattens its profits by shortchanging our care .
That ’ s one reason the American Medical Association and others are dropping out of the “ Partnership ’ s ” political front .
Honest health care practitioners don ’ t want to be part of its fraud and its chicken manure PR campaign .

The decades-long struggle to ensure decent health care as a human right is up against greed’s eternal struggle for ever-higher corporate profits.
When grassroots groups rise up against the corporate profits establishment trying to win some specific progressive change for the common good, the odds against them can seem daunting. As an old saying puts it: Where there’s a will… there are 1,000 won’ts.
Those won’ts tend to be moneyed powers making a killing from the status quo, so they’re dead set against any change. Such has certainly been the case in the decades-long political struggle to ensure that every man, woman and child in our country gets decent health care as a human right. Today, even though we Americans pay by far the highest price for health care, most people are denied that right by our country’s profiteering, corporate-run medical industry, which treats care as a privileged commodity.
So many families are left out and maltreated by this dysfunctional system that more than 70% of Americans (including a majority of Republicans) now support replacing it with a “Medicare for All” publicly financed system that provides full health coverage for everyone, even as it saves us money.
So here come 1,000 screaming won’ts, rushing out to crush the people’s will. Such usual clusters of far-right plutocratic power as the Koch brothers’ billionaire club, Karl Rove’s political monkey wrenchers and the U.S. Chamber of Commerce clique of giant corporations have deployed their forces. But the present system is so bad, and public support for Medicare for All has grown so large so fast, that the usual corporate dismissal of such ideas wasn’t working, spooking the profiteers.
Time for a powerhouse front group! Two years ago, the corporate won’ts met secretly in downtown Washington to set up an industry-wide PR/lobbying juggernaut, giving it the stealth name of Partnership for America’s Health Care Future. Of course, what they care about is the future of their rip-off profits, and they’ve committed hundreds of millions of dollars and hired an army of more than 200 lobbyists to pound the public and Congress with a nuclear level of propaganda and raw political deceit.
This Partnership of Profiteers is Washington politics at its worst — a handful of cynical self-interests using cloaks, dark money and lies to rig the system for corporate profits at the expense of human health and political morality.
As former President Lyndon Johnson used to say about special interests trying to get his support to pass some blatantly self-serving legislation: “I may not know much, but I do know the difference between chicken s— and chicken salad.”
Yet, chicken manure is all that the corporate health complex has to work with as it frantically tries to defend its current system of mass malpractice. After all, as most Americans have learned the hard way, the corporatized “care” of profiteering insurance giants, Big Pharma and hospital chains grossly overcharge us while constantly trying to shortchange or outright deny care to millions of our families.
So, unable to win public support on their own merit, the corporatists and their hired political hacks are going all out to continue their profit gouging and keep control of America’s dysfunctional system. They’re running a multi-million-dollar PR and lobbying campaign of lies to trash and kill all reforms that would deliver quality, comprehensive care to everyone, at far less cost than they can deliver.
The profiteers masquerading as a Partnership for America’s Health Care Future warn ominously that such reforms as Medicare for All and a public option for health insurance would take away people’s “choice” and their “control” over health care.
Hello … we presently have no choice or control. Our “care” is managed by a handful of drug and hospital monopolists whose primary objective is not improving our health but fattening their profits. And the undeniable, ugly truth is that the “Partnership” fattens its profits by shortchanging our care.
That’s one reason the American Medical Association and others are dropping out of the “Partnership’s” political front. Honest health care practitioners don’t want to be part of its fraud and its chicken manure PR campaign.


humortimes--2020-02-14--Movie Review: ‘The Assistant’

Movie Review: ‘The Assistant’

The first and , so far , best Netflix series that ’ s snagged my attention is Ozark with Justin Bateman and Laura Linney .
This show is where I first saw a diminutive , young , blonde woman playing the part a very feisty poor girl .
The actor ’ s name is Julia Garner , the role : Ruth .
The character nigh walked off with the Netflix series , even though Bateman and Linney ( two fine , seasoned actors ) are the leads .
When word came that Ms. Garner has the lead in a new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a must-see for me .
The Assistant finds Julia as another put upon female .
This time she ’ s just come to work for an entertainment corporation .
I believe the company is in the business of making motion pictures .
The boss is seldom around .
You only hear his voice on the phone when he ’ s dressing down Jane , the person Garner does in the film .
He , even in his absence , seems to be making “ hay ” with attractive women who are wanting to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s “ decision ” to give Garner the name “ Jane ” seems to make it obvious that the absentee mogul won ’ t be making any hits on her .
I began to wonder if the movie mogul guy… maybe… might be a real person .
Hmm .
The script names him not .
Jane is in the office working ; mostly doing tasks that a janitor or maid would do , besides the paper and filing chores , answering phones and making online travel accommodations for employees who are off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thought back to Garner in Ozark and began to wait for her to step up and raise a little hell for what goes down with her office treatment as The Assistant .
Oh yeah , some of the office dudes are on the front line of meaninglessly dissing her .
People of either sex who have a ounce of feminist in them will feel the need to grit a molar or two .
Jane does explode… uh , sort of .
Her scene with the corporation ’ s Human Resources guy , curiously @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the movie .
Matthew Macfayden plays Wilcock .
The mumbo-jumbo he feeds Jane in the office meeting might also raise your BP a bit .
Too bad the ruckus Jane tries to raise goes south ; so unlike the comeuppance Julia Garner ’ s character in Ozark stirs up for her detractors .
This new film was a let down for me , which goes to suggest that Kitty Green , who wrote and directed The Assistant , feels that social conditions and hassles many women must confront on the job , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more weight in the telling… than putting a feel-good bouquet on the end of a film ; the bouquet being that Jane finally wins out over what she ’ s had to endure at an office in the business of making movies .
Jane wants to move up that “ ladder ” too .
Surely , Kitty Green has such aspirations… and likely has had to put up with such dreck in her career .
That ’ s what makes an audience feel good and relieved : if Jane would get even , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trouble .
Green apparently feels telling this less eventful story , which plays dull and boring , is where the heart of her endeavors lie .
Julia Garner hides her spunk in this film .
As Ruth in Ozark , she hung her emotions out , sprinkling them with the bluest language you ’ ve likely ever heard .
And that goes for all you who have spent any time in a pool hall or the military .
Hey , more of Julia Garner… please !

“The Assistant” – a film review by Gary Chew
The first and, so far, best Netflix series that’s snagged my attention is Ozark with Justin Bateman and Laura Linney. This show is where I first saw a diminutive, young, blonde woman playing the part a very feisty poor girl. The actor’s name is Julia Garner, the role: Ruth. The character nigh walked off with the Netflix series, even though Bateman and Linney (two fine, seasoned actors) are the leads.
When word came that Ms. Garner has the lead in a new movie-house feature, I knew it was a must-see for me. The Assistant finds Julia as another put upon female. This time she’s just come to work for an entertainment corporation. I believe the company is in the business of making motion pictures. The boss is seldom around. You only hear his voice on the phone when he’s dressing down Jane, the person Garner does in the film. He, even in his absence, seems to be making “hay” with attractive women who are wanting to get ahead in pictures. The script’s “decision” to give Garner the name “Jane” seems to make it obvious that the absentee mogul won’t be making any hits on her. I began to wonder if the movie mogul guy… maybe… might be a real person. Hmm. The script names him not.
Jane is in the office working; mostly doing tasks that a janitor or maid would do, besides the paper and filing chores, answering phones and making online travel accommodations for employees who are off for business in other places. I thought back to Garner in Ozark and began to wait for her to step up and raise a little hell for what goes down with her office treatment as The Assistant. Oh yeah, some of the office dudes are on the front line of meaninglessly dissing her. People of either sex who have a ounce of feminist in them will feel the need to grit a molar or two.
Jane does explode… uh, sort of. Her scene with the corporation’s Human Resources guy, curiously named Wilcock, is the best scene in the movie. Matthew Macfayden plays Wilcock. The mumbo-jumbo he feeds Jane in the office meeting might also raise your BP a bit.
Too bad the ruckus Jane tries to raise goes south; so unlike the comeuppance Julia Garner’s character in Ozark stirs up for her detractors. This new film was a let down for me, which goes to suggest that Kitty Green, who wrote and directed The Assistant, feels that social conditions and hassles many women must confront on the job, and even off the job, carry more weight in the telling… than putting a feel-good bouquet on the end of a film; the bouquet being that Jane finally wins out over what she’s had to endure at an office in the business of making movies. Jane wants to move up that “ladder” too.
Surely, Kitty Green has such aspirations… and likely has had to put up with such dreck in her career. That’s what makes an audience feel good and relieved: if Jane would get even, or something in return for all her trouble. Green apparently feels telling this less eventful story, which plays dull and boring, is where the heart of her endeavors lie.
Julia Garner hides her spunk in this film. As Ruth in Ozark, she hung her emotions out, sprinkling them with the bluest language you’ve likely ever heard. And that goes for all you who have spent any time in a pool hall or the military.
Hey, more of Julia Garner… please!


humortimes--2020-02-13--Sanders’ Hair Stylist Quits, Cites ‘Overwhelming Workload’

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
A key member of the Bernie Sanders campaign — the hair stylist — has suddenly resigned .
The chief hair stylist for Bernie Sanders , Vermont Senator and presidential candidate , abruptly quit over the weekend .
He cited an “ overwhelming workload ” in trying to manage the self-described democratic socialist ’ s hair during the ongoing presidential campaign .
“ It ’ s like it has a mind of its own .
It just won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , John Kemptlooker , becoming emotional .
“ I see those wisps in my dreams .
Make it stop !
” Bernie Sanders has long been known for his unkempt look .
According to the hair stylist , he and Sanders had agreed on trying a different hair style for the 2020 campaign : combed .
That plan , however , quickly fell apart .
“ I saw him on television making a speech , ” Kemptlooker recalled .
“ One wispy lock came loose , then another .
Before I knew it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heads — I mean , our hands .
During the break , I tried to straighten things out , but the damage was done .
He had gone from United States senator to opinionated grandfather.
” The Sanders campaign has not responded to our calls for comment .
A spokesperson , however , issued a brief statement shortly after the news broke , saying , “ While we ’ re sad to lose any member of the team — especially one this critical — we ’ re more jealous than anything .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and it ’ s really freaking me out.
” When asked what he plans to do next , the stylist responded , “ I think I ’ ll take some time off , maybe visit a retreat .
Keep my hands out of hair until I ’ m emotionally and spiritually healed .
Then , maybe I ’ ll move out to Los Angeles , see if folks like Larry David could use my services .
What could go wrong ?
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
A key member of the Bernie Sanders campaign — the hair stylist — has suddenly resigned.
The chief hair stylist for Bernie Sanders, Vermont Senator and presidential candidate, abruptly quit over the weekend. He cited an “overwhelming workload” in trying to manage the self-described democratic socialist’s hair during the ongoing presidential campaign.
“It’s like it has a mind of its own. It just won’t stay put!” remarked the stylist, John Kemptlooker, becoming emotional. “I see those wisps in my dreams. Make it stop!”
Bernie Sanders has long been known for his unkempt look. According to the hair stylist, he and Sanders had agreed on trying a different hair style for the 2020 campaign: combed. That plan, however, quickly fell apart.
“I saw him on television making a speech,” Kemptlooker recalled. “One wispy lock came loose, then another. Before I knew it, we had a crisis on our heads — I mean, our hands. During the break, I tried to straighten things out, but the damage was done. He had gone from United States senator to opinionated grandfather.”
The Sanders campaign has not responded to our calls for comment. A spokesperson, however, issued a brief statement shortly after the news broke, saying, “While we’re sad to lose any member of the team — especially one this critical — we’re more jealous than anything. I keep finding gray hairs in my lunch and it’s really freaking me out.”
When asked what he plans to do next, the stylist responded, “I think I’ll take some time off, maybe visit a retreat. Keep my hands out of hair until I’m emotionally and spiritually healed. Then, maybe I’ll move out to Los Angeles, see if folks like Larry David could use my services. What could go wrong?”


humortimes--2020-02-16--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Trumpsters Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guests are Trumpsters Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd .
I ’ m the meanest , toughest hombre that ’ s ever crossed the Rio Grande .
And I ain ’ t namby-bamby !
Don ’ t insult my president , Duncan .
Yosemite .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ campaigning for him .
I have a huge following called Rubes for Boobs .
We support Republican candidates runnin in the 2020 election .
Last night , we all went huntin for rabbits .
Didn ’ t bag one .
Shucks , I was dyin for some rabbit stew .
Did you say wabbits ?
You should of invited me .
Wabbits wuv carrots .
That ’ s how you find em , Yosemite .
I disagree , but I respect your right to be stupid .
Shhh !
Be vewy , vewy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people today .
You better wun , Duncan .
Yosemite .
I ’ m curious .
Why did you grow a moustache ?
I know .
Because he wanted to wook wike his mother .
I ’ ll blast your head off for saying that Fuddy .
Fudd and me are campaigning door to door for Trump .
We want to reach the high school dropouts .
He promises to give them Walmart greeter jobs .
Let ’ s Make America Great Again in 2020 .
What does a dropout and an unvaccinated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I know ?
They never get past the fourth grade .
Okay .
But don ’ t have a meltdown .
I have two left feet .
Trump got impeached by the House .
That ’ s cool .
Hey , Yosemite .
If nothing goes right , try going left .
Not in my studio .
You two morons have two minutes to make your case to re-elect Trump .
All right .
All right .
Don ’ t rush me , cause I ’ m thinkin .
And my head hurts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dogs .
I ’ m suspicious of people who don ’ t like dogs .
But I totally trust a dog when it doesn ’ t like a person .
A 23 trillion dollar deficit , you John Bolton look alike .
Most of it since Trump became president .
He has the sowution .
Cut entitlements .
No more medicare and social secuwity .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Trumpsters Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are Trumpsters Yosemite Sam and Elmer Fudd.
JERRY
Good morning, Looney Tunes.
ELMER FUDD
Gweat gwasshoppers! I’m weally on The Jerry Duncan Show!
YOSEMITE SAM
I’m the meanest, toughest hombre that’s ever crossed the Rio Grande. And I ain’t namby-bamby! Don’t insult my president, Duncan.
JERRY
Yosemite. You’re a Trump supporter. Even campaigning for him.
See ‘The Jerry Duncan Show’ live! Opening in NYC, March 5-15, 2020.
YOSEMITE
I have a huge following called Rubes for Boobs. We support Republican candidates runnin in the 2020 election. Last night, we all went huntin for rabbits. Didn’t bag one. Shucks, I was dyin for some rabbit stew.
ELMER
Did you say wabbits? You should of invited me. Wabbits wuv carrots. That’s how you find em, Yosemite.
JERRY
I disagree, but I respect your right to be stupid.
ELMER
Shhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet! I’m hunting cwazy people today. You better wun, Duncan.
JERRY
Yosemite. I’m curious. Why did you grow a moustache?
ELMER
I know. Because he wanted to wook wike his mother.
YOSEMITE
I’ll blast your head off for saying that Fuddy.
ELMER
Sowy. Huh-huh-huh-huh.
YOSEMITE
Fudd and me are campaigning door to door for Trump. We want to reach the high school dropouts. He promises to give them Walmart greeter jobs. Let’s Make America Great Again in 2020.
JERRY
What does a dropout and an unvaccinated child have in common?
YOSEMITE
How would I know?
JERRY
They never get past the fourth grade.
Sam pulls out a pistol and fires.
YOSEMITE
All right wise guy. Dance!
Fires the gun again.
YOSEMITE
Dance for your supper!
JERRY
Okay. But don’t have a meltdown. I have two left feet.
The studio door bursts open. Bugs Bunny enters.
BUGS BUNNY
Ehhh. What’s up, Doc?
JERRY
Trump got impeached by the House.
BUGS
That’s cool. Hey, Yosemite. If nothing goes right, try going left.
YOSEMITE
You mean Bernie Sanders?!
ELMER
Kiww da wabbit!
JERRY
Not in my studio. You two morons have two minutes to make your case to re-elect Trump.
YOSEMITE
All right. All right. Don’t rush me, cause I’m thinkin. And my head hurts.
ELMER
The Twumpster doesn’t wike cwitters.
YOSEMITE
He don’t even like dogs.
JERRY
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs. But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
ELMER
Huh-huh-huh-huh.
YOSEMITE
People is workin. The economy boomin.
JERRY
A 23 trillion dollar deficit, you John Bolton look alike. Most of it since Trump became president.
ELMER
He has the sowution. Cut entitlements. No more medicare and social secuwity.
YOSEMITE
Let the seniors eat cake.
ELMER
And wabbits.
JERRY
That’s cruel even for a Republican.
LMER
Welcome to Twump’s Amewica.
JERRY
See you tomorrow.


humortimes--2020-02-16--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: F.U. King Anus!

You Midas well call him “ King Anus ” since everything he touches turns to shit !
No doubt about @ @ @ @ @ now living in the Trump error .
The Justice Department ’ s Barr has been @ @ @ @ @ lies in the dirt .
Trump believes he has the right to abso-loot whatever he @ @ @ @ @ party but only invited himself .
Trump appeals to his base of coarse .
Some @ @ @ @ @ ’ s amazing they ’ re still alive !
It was an Obama nation when @ @ @ @ @ budge it so the economy can work for everyone .
The only way to have @ @ @ @ @ too is to steal someone else ’ s .
Hateful people are always lost in @ @ @ @ @ But remember what an ounce of prevention is worth .

You Midas well call him “King Anus” since everything he touches turns to shit!
No doubt about it, we’re now living in the Trump error.
The Justice Department’s Barr has been lowered so far it now lies in the dirt.
Trump believes he has the right to abso-loot whatever he wants.
Greed threw a party but only invited himself.
Trump 2020: The hateful trait tour.
QAnon conspiracists live in a Deep State of confusion.
Narrow-minded people will only worship narrow-minded gods.
Trump appeals to his base of coarse.
Some people are so stupid it’s amazing they’re still alive!
CPAC: Cruel People Against Compassion.
To see a real rat race, watch Trump run.
It was an Obama nation when Trump was elected.
Moderate change buys very little.
Just budge it so the economy can work for everyone.
The only way to have your cake and eat it too is to steal someone else’s.
Hateful people are always lost in contempt-plation.
The world suffers from heart failure.
Keep pounding! But remember what an ounce of prevention is worth.
Recycle love.


humortimes--2020-02-15--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Joe, Pete and Bernie

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Democratic presidential candidates you know on a first name basis : Joe , Pete and Bernie .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guests are the Democratic presidential candidates Vice President Joe Biden , Senator Bernie Sanders and former Mayor of South Bend , Indiana , Pete Buttigieg .
Good morning , Gentlemen .
Thank you for taking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on my show .
This may be Joe ’ s last appearance .
Looks like he ’ s going down for the count .
And Mayor Pete ?
He ’ s still in diapers .
I ’ m the only guy that can beat Trump .
You were the vice president .
Smart aleck .
Think you know everything , Buttiggy .
It ’ s pronounced Booty Gigs .
Thank you very much .
You ’ re both wrong .
Just call me Mayor Pete .
Pete and Repeat went down to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is left ?
No .
It ’ s Pete .
I see the little guy playing in the sandbox .
Real funny .
You ’ re old enough to remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics .
Wise guy .
I almost beat you in Iowa .
Veep .
How do you know if someone in Iowa is married ?
The wife wears a wedding ring on her middle finger ?
No .
The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of their pickup truck .
Excuse me .
Not to brag , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know everything about the people .
Really ?
Why do Dartmouth students have such beautiful noses ?
There ’ s nothing wrong with that .
Boogers don ’ t have calories .
I believe in eating healthy .
Are you off Pablum ?
Just sayin .
( laughs ) Veep .
Tell everyone where you placed in Iowa and New Hampshire .
Here ’ s the deal .
I didn ’ t expect to win either state .
There aren ’ t diverse voters like in South Carolina .
I ’ ll wipe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because I speak the Carolina language .
Ebonics .
Keepin it real , homies .
I ’ m off to happy hour .
At your age , happy hour is a nap .
Super Tuesday is March 3rd .
Thirty percent of the delegates will be determined .
Joe , you may run out of money .
What are you going to do ?
Can the three of you unite if one of you wins the nomination ?
You mean when I win .
Of course they ’ ll support me .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ solar hair plugs .
I will send the Orange Man in the White House on a one way mission to his favorite planet Mars .
Have you heard about the spaceship that came to Earth ?
I ’ m serious .
Never mind , it ’ s over your head .
See you tomorrow .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Democratic presidential candidates you know on a first name basis: Joe, Pete and Bernie.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guests are the Democratic presidential candidates Vice President Joe Biden, Senator Bernie Sanders and former Mayor of South Bend, Indiana, Pete Buttigieg.
JERRY
Good morning, Gentlemen. Thank you for taking time out from the campaign to be on my show.
SENATOR BERNIE SANDERS
This may be Joe’s last appearance. Looks like he’s going down for the count. And Mayor Pete? He’s still in diapers. I’m the only guy that can beat Trump.
See ‘The Jerry Duncan Show’ live! Opening in NYC, March 5-15, 2020.
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
I would make a helluva vice president.
MAYOR PETE BUTTIGIEG
You were the vice president.
BIDEN
Smart aleck. Think you know everything, Buttiggy.
SANDERS
It’s pronounced Booty Gigs. Thank you very much.
BUTTIGIEG
You’re both wrong. Just call me Mayor Pete.
JERRY
Pete and Repeat went down to the lake. Pete fell in. Who is left?
BIDEN
Repeat.
SANDERS
No. It’s Pete. I see the little guy playing in the sandbox.
BUTTIGIEG
Real funny. You’re old enough to remember when emojis were called hieroglyphics.
SANDERS
Wise guy. I almost beat you in Iowa.
BIDEN
Was I there?
JERRY
Not really.
JERRY
Veep. How do you know if someone in Iowa is married?
BIDEN
The wife wears a wedding ring on her middle finger?
JERRY
No. The tobacco spit stains are on both sides of their pickup truck.
SANDERS
Excuse me. Not to brag, but I just won New Hampshire. I know everything about the people.
JERRY
Really? Why do Dartmouth students have such beautiful noses?
SANDERS
Can I call a lifeline?
JERRY
No.
SANDERS
I give up. Why?
JERRY
They’re hand picked.
BUTTIGIEG
There’s nothing wrong with that. Boogers don’t have calories. I believe in eating healthy.
BIDEN
Are you off Pablum? Just sayin.
BUTTIGIEG
(laughs) Veep. Tell everyone where you placed in Iowa and New Hampshire.
BIDEN
Here’s the deal. I didn’t expect to win either state. There aren’t diverse voters like in South Carolina. I’ll wipe the floor with you and Bernie, because I speak the Carolina language.
JERRY
Spanish?
BIDEN
Ebonics. Keepin it real, homies. I’m off to happy hour.
BUTTIGIEG
At your age, happy hour is a nap.
SANDERS
I dreamed that I was taking a nap.
JERRY
Super Tuesday is March 3rd. Thirty percent of the delegates will be determined. Joe, you may run out of money. What are you going to do?
BIDEN
I’m going to Disneyland!
BUTTIGIEG
You’re Goofy all right.
JERRY
Can the three of you unite if one of you wins the nomination?
SANDERS
You mean when I win. Of course they’ll support me. I promised Pete a new tricycle and Joe solar hair plugs. I will send the Orange Man in the White House on a one way mission to his favorite planet Mars.
JERRY
Have you heard about the spaceship that came to Earth?
SANDERS
You’re pulling my leg, Duncan.
JERRY
I’m serious. Never mind, it’s over your head. See you tomorrow.


humortimes--2020-02-13--Mass Grave of Mysteriously Destroyed Evergreen Trees Found

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Strangely decorated evergreen trees thought to have been cut down in their prime , then discarded after a short time .
A mass grave of viciously murdered evergreen trees has bee uncovered in the popular ski resort town of Jackson Hole , Wyoming near the Idaho border .
The local police were alarmed by this discovery which has horrified residents and visitors alike .
The trees were found dumped near the fairgrounds not far from downtown .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by a ruthless cartel from Mexico , ” stated Matthew Foghorn , a town spokesman .
“ I can ’ t imagine anybody local doing this.
” “ This is definitely a massive , coordinated attack , ” inferred Sheriff ’ s Deputy Hans Knucklecracker .
“ All the bodies of the trees showed marks of having been horrifyingly cut down in their prime , their bodies dumped here to put a panic into the townspeople .
“ We have never seen anything like it .
This is the sort of thing you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Coast .
Similar saw marks have been found on all the trees and some show signs of torture , select limbs having been cut off or shortened and their tops often lopped off .
It is a grisly scene .
There is tree sap everywhere .
Even some of our toughest , long term officers have wretched or fainted at the scene.
” To make matters even more macabre , many of the trees showed signs of having been used for some strange ritual .
Thin ribbons of glittery silver strands were found @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the corpses and some had small , strange hooks with shattered remnants of highly colorful , fragile objects hanging on them .
Police theorists suspect that the trees were used for some sort of bizarre pagan ritual making the crime even more macabre .
“ Things like this just don ’ t happen in our town .
There is normally a friendly , fun environment here .
We don ’ t expect a massacre here in this peaceful part of the state !
” said local resident Marcia Homebody , a local beautician @ @ @ @ @ @ @ behind it .
If no them then it has to be the Shriner ’ s or the Legionnaire ’ s !
” confirmed James Bullfeces , an expert on conspiracy theories .
The corpses of the trees will be buried in a mass grave at the town dump and a stone erected to honor their memory .
A memorial service for them will be held at Joe ’ s Landscaping on the north end of town at 10 AM on Saturday in their honor .
Attendees are being asked to bring fertilizer in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Anyone with tips as to the perpetrator of this heinous crime please notify the Sheriff ’ s or the police department .
The public ’ s help in this matter might help prevent another such atrocity next year at this time .

Strangely decorated evergreen trees thought to have been cut down in their prime, then discarded after a short time.
A mass grave of viciously murdered evergreen trees has bee uncovered in the popular ski resort town of Jackson Hole, Wyoming near the Idaho border. The local police were alarmed by this discovery which has horrified residents and visitors alike. The trees were found dumped near the fairgrounds not far from downtown.
“It was a brazen act, probably perpetrated by a ruthless cartel from Mexico,” stated Matthew Foghorn, a town spokesman. “I can’t imagine anybody local doing this.”
“This is definitely a massive, coordinated attack,” inferred Sheriff’s Deputy Hans Knucklecracker. “All the bodies of the trees showed marks of having been horrifyingly cut down in their prime, their bodies dumped here to put a panic into the townspeople.
“We have never seen anything like it. This is the sort of thing you would expect in LA or the East Coast. Similar saw marks have been found on all the trees and some show signs of torture, select limbs having been cut off or shortened and their tops often lopped off. It is a grisly scene. There is tree sap everywhere. Even some of our toughest, long term officers have wretched or fainted at the scene.”
To make matters even more macabre, many of the trees showed signs of having been used for some strange ritual. Thin ribbons of glittery silver strands were found dangling from the limbs of many of the corpses and some had small, strange hooks with shattered remnants of highly colorful, fragile objects hanging on them. Police theorists suspect that the trees were used for some sort of bizarre pagan ritual making the crime even more macabre.
“Things like this just don’t happen in our town. There is normally a friendly, fun environment here. We don’t expect a massacre here in this peaceful part of the state!” said local resident Marcia Homebody, a local beautician.
“I think the elks are behind it. If no them then it has to be the Shriner’s or the Legionnaire’s!” confirmed James Bullfeces, an expert on conspiracy theories.
The corpses of the trees will be buried in a mass grave at the town dump and a stone erected to honor their memory. A memorial service for them will be held at Joe’s Landscaping on the north end of town at 10 AM on Saturday in their honor. Attendees are being asked to bring fertilizer in lieu of gifts for the event.
Anyone with tips as to the perpetrator of this heinous crime please notify the Sheriff’s or the police department. The public’s help in this matter might help prevent another such atrocity next year at this time.


humortimes--2020-02-18--Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/17/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/17/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ NBA All-Star Weekend on TNT Or , as the Kardashian ’ s call it ‘ Tinder.
’ Rush Limbaugh is weirdly fascinated with Pete Buttigieg kissing his husband People shocked Dog the Bounty Hunter ’ s engaged after only a few weeks of dating In fairness , that ’ s like 7 years in Dog the Bounty Hunter Years .
In honor of Trump it will repeat Chapter 11 six times .
What you been up to ?
We barely hear from you .
Trump says the Coronavirus goes away when the weather @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s replaced by something cooler and more refreshing like CoronaLightVirus .
Justin Bieber sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber and gets weekly IV infusions since he ’ s gotten sober from weed Damn , he ’ s one glove and a pet monkey from being Michael Jackson .
Roger Stone asks for a new trial after Trump accuses juror of bias In fairness , Stone will never get a jury of his peers ; but that ’ s mostly true because Bond villains are fictional .
But , then forgot where they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is selling a liquid that allegedly ‘ kills ’ the coronavirus for $ 300 … Proving he doesn ’ t need to reopen his Gospel theme park to take people for a ride .
Papa John ’ s founder clears the air : He didn ’ t eat 40 whole pizzas in 30 days Russia ’ s trust in Putin falls to six-year low despite high approval rating : pollster Yup , it went from 124 % to 118 % .
Exxon ’ s market value has crumbled by 184 billion dollars $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in cash .
Michael Avenatti convicted of trying to extort Nike for twenty million dollars … or , about the same amount as a couple of pairs of Air Jordan ’ s .

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Time for the NBA All-Star Weekend on TNT
Or, as the Kardashian’s call it ‘Tinder.’
Rush Limbaugh is weirdly fascinated with Pete Buttigieg kissing his husband
Rush has a husband?
People shocked Dog the Bounty Hunter’s engaged after only a few weeks of dating
In fairness, that’s like 7 years in Dog the Bounty Hunter Years.
John Bolton’s book coming out
In honor of Trump it will repeat Chapter 11 six times.
Happy 78th birthday, Mike Bloomberg
What you been up to? We barely hear from you.
Trump says the Coronavirus goes away when the weather warms up
Yeah, but, maybe it’s replaced by something cooler and more refreshing like CoronaLightVirus.
Justin Bieber sleeps in a hyperbaric chamber and gets weekly IV infusions since he’s gotten sober from weed
Damn, he’s one glove and a pet monkey from being Michael Jackson.
Roger Stone asks for a new trial after Trump accuses juror of bias
In fairness, Stone will never get a jury of his peers; but that’s mostly true because Bond villains are fictional.
Scientists discovered a marijuana compound that’s 30 times more potent than THC
But, then forgot where they put the information.
Televangelist Jim Bakker is selling a liquid that allegedly ‘kills’ the coronavirus for $300
… Proving he doesn’t need to reopen his Gospel theme park to take people for a ride.
Papa John’s founder clears the air: He didn’t eat 40 whole pizzas in 30 days
… I’m still betting the air isn’t clear…
Russia’s trust in Putin falls to six-year low despite high approval rating: pollster
Yup, it went from 124% to 118%.
Exxon’s market value has crumbled by 184 billion dollars
$167 billion if you pay for stock in cash.
Michael Avenatti convicted of trying to extort Nike for twenty million dollars
… or, about the same amount as a couple of pairs of Air Jordan’s.


humortimes--2020-02-18--CDC Warns Against New Virus

CDC Warns Against New Virus

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Here is the latest warning from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ( CDC ) : The CDC is closely monitoring an outbreak of political illness caused by a novel Washington , DC-based virus .
Initially identified during the 2016 flu season , the Trump virus was thought to be simply a milder version of that year ’ s seasonal flu .
However , it quickly mutated and was somehow able to infect that year ’ s presidential @ @ @ @ @ @ @ assumed that careful monitoring of the Trump virus would see it fade in intensity and geographical reach .
Protective measures implemented by the Democrats in states such as California and New York were successful in halting the further spread of the Trump virus in those areas .
Unfortunately , Democrats overlooked such infected states as Wisconsin , Michigan and Pennsylvania and assumed that previous flu inoculations would halt the virus ’ s spread there .
That miscalculation resulted in an unexpected electoral epidemic in early November with the virus overwhelming the District of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
It was hoped that , with the passage of the 2016-17 flu season , the Trump virus would moderate in intensity and exhibit characteristics more typical of a presidential infection .
Unfortunately , no such moderation occurred ; in fact , if anything , the Trump virus displayed even more noxious symptoms and soon became a full-fledged pandemic .
Last year , it was thought that the investigation by the so-called Mueller inquiry would detail a plan to control this latest pathogen and quickly halt its spread .
Although the Mueller Report @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was not spelled out precisely and its recommendations were mischaracterized by certain Trump viral companions .
Since then , the Trump virus continued to spread including to Ukraine with a view to infecting the 2020 U. S. presidential election .
The House of Representatives took the unusual emergency action of trying to impeach the Trump virus but inexplicably the Senate refused to take the next remedial step .
Because of the Senate ’ s failure to quarantine the Trump virus , it is feared that it will now grow exponentially and spread @ @ @ @ @ @ @ world .
Given previously identified characteristics of the bug , it seems likely that it will engage foreign enemies to weaken political opponents and secure its hold on the White House .
At present , there is no known defense against the Trump virus .
The nation ’ s political immunity has been breached and the body politic is in grave danger .
Such recently-identified microorganisms as the McConnell , Graham and Dershowitz bacteria may leave the electorate defenseless .
The only current hope is to inoculate the population with a voting vaccine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that an inoculation rate of fifty percent is insufficient to defeat the virus .
In order to achieve so-called herd immunity , it is necessary to achieve a participation rate of sixty percent or more .
Even if an effective voting vaccine can be implemented , there is no guarantee that the Trump virus will succumb to majority rule .
In that case , the CDC recommends that the public seek shelter in a nearby virus-free country like Canada .

Here is the latest warning from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC):
The CDC is closely monitoring an outbreak of political illness caused by a novel Washington, DC-based virus. Initially identified during the 2016 flu season, the Trump virus was thought to be simply a milder version of that year’s seasonal flu. However, it quickly mutated and was somehow able to infect that year’s presidential race.
Even then, it was assumed that careful monitoring of the Trump virus would see it fade in intensity and geographical reach. Protective measures implemented by the Democrats in states such as California and New York were successful in halting the further spread of the Trump virus in those areas.
Unfortunately, Democrats overlooked such infected states as Wisconsin, Michigan and Pennsylvania and assumed that previous flu inoculations would halt the virus’s spread there. That miscalculation resulted in an unexpected electoral epidemic in early November with the virus overwhelming the District of Columbia and completely infecting the White House.
It was hoped that, with the passage of the 2016-17 flu season, the Trump virus would moderate in intensity and exhibit characteristics more typical of a presidential infection. Unfortunately, no such moderation occurred; in fact, if anything, the Trump virus displayed even more noxious symptoms and soon became a full-fledged pandemic.
Last year, it was thought that the investigation by the so-called Mueller inquiry would detail a plan to control this latest pathogen and quickly halt its spread. Although the Mueller Report did provide a blueprint for containment, it was not spelled out precisely and its recommendations were mischaracterized by certain Trump viral companions.
Since then, the Trump virus continued to spread including to Ukraine with a view to infecting the 2020 U. S. presidential election. The House of Representatives took the unusual emergency action of trying to impeach the Trump virus but inexplicably the Senate refused to take the next remedial step.
Because of the Senate’s failure to quarantine the Trump virus, it is feared that it will now grow exponentially and spread throughout the country and elsewhere in the world. Given previously identified characteristics of the bug, it seems likely that it will engage foreign enemies to weaken political opponents and secure its hold on the White House.
At present, there is no known defense against the Trump virus. The nation’s political immunity has been breached and the body politic is in grave danger. Such recently-identified microorganisms as the McConnell, Graham and Dershowitz bacteria may leave the electorate defenseless.
The only current hope is to inoculate the population with a voting vaccine. The problem with this approach is that an inoculation rate of fifty percent is insufficient to defeat the virus. In order to achieve so-called herd immunity, it is necessary to achieve a participation rate of sixty percent or more.
Even if an effective voting vaccine can be implemented, there is no guarantee that the Trump virus will succumb to majority rule. In that case, the CDC recommends that the public seek shelter in a nearby virus-free country like Canada.


humortimes--2020-02-23--Paltrow Launches GOOP University

Paltrow Launches GOOP University

Gweneth Paltrow to offer unique degrees at new “ GOOP University.
” Gweneth Paltrow ’ s latest endeavor is the launching of GOOP University .
The first order of business at GOOP U will be to award Paltrow with an honorary M.D .
and Ph.D. , and install her as the President of the university , based on the qualifications of those degrees .
The university will have three majors : Business , Pseudo-Science and Gwenethology .
Among the courses that will be offered for business majors are : 1 ) How to turn bullshit into profit ; 2 ) @ @ @ @ @ @ @ How to avoid the FDA , 3b ) What to do if caught by the FDA , and finally , 4 ) How to create a cult following ( step one : become a celebrity ) .
Courses for majors in pseudo-science include : 1 ) detoxing using the mold in your shower ; 2 ) cat box aromatherapy ; and 3 ) pseudo-science home laboratory .
The last course requires the students to collect naturally growing plants ( i.e .
weeds ) in local fields or their back yard and combine them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other “ creative ” elements in their cupboards to create a new face cream .
Students must apply this cream to their faces for one week , and those whose face does not break out in a rash , crack , or bleed will pass the course .
If the cream results in a gentle peeling of a layer of skin , the student will receive an A+ grade for creating an exfoliant after signing all rights of the product to Paltrow .
The most popular major is expected to be Gwenethology .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ herself , with the objective of having students absorb as much Gweneth energy and essence as possible .
Courses will include : 1 ) Gwenethism : How to think like Gweneth .
2 ) Gwenethcology : How to align emotions with Gweneth .
3 ) Gwenethrology : How to make your aura match Gweneth ’ s .
4 ) Gwenethics : How not to be judgmental ( grades based on Gweneth ’ s judgment ) .
5 ) Gwenmyth : How to make people believe your plain face is beautiful .
Weird Al @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s anthem .
The school crest will feature a rendition of Botticelli ’ s Venus , with a naked Paltrow emerging from a large shell .
Students will graduate with a BBS , a Bachelorette of BS degree .

Gweneth Paltrow to offer unique degrees at new “GOOP University.”
Gweneth Paltrow’s latest endeavor is the launching of GOOP University. The first order of business at GOOP U will be to award Paltrow with an honorary M.D. and Ph.D., and install her as the President of the university, based on the qualifications of those degrees.
The university will have three majors: Business, Pseudo-Science and Gwenethology. Among the courses that will be offered for business majors are: 1) How to turn bullshit into profit; 2) Scamming on the internet, 3a) How to avoid the FDA , 3b) What to do if caught by the FDA, and finally, 4) How to create a cult following (step one: become a celebrity).
Courses for majors in pseudo-science include: 1) detoxing using the mold in your shower; 2) cat box aromatherapy; and 3) pseudo-science home laboratory. The last course requires the students to collect naturally growing plants (i.e. weeds) in local fields or their back yard and combine them in their kitchens with household solvents and other “creative” elements in their cupboards to create a new face cream. Students must apply this cream to their faces for one week, and those whose face does not break out in a rash, crack, or bleed will pass the course. If the cream results in a gentle peeling of a layer of skin, the student will receive an A+ grade for creating an exfoliant after signing all rights of the product to Paltrow.
The most popular major is expected to be Gwenethology. All courses will be taught by Paltrow herself, with the objective of having students absorb as much Gweneth energy and essence as possible. Courses will include:
1) Gwenethism: How to think like Gweneth.
2) Gwenethcology: How to align emotions with Gweneth.
3) Gwenethrology: How to make your aura match Gweneth’s.
4) Gwenethics: How not to be judgmental (grades based on Gweneth’s judgment).
5) Gwenmyth: How to make people believe your plain face is beautiful.
Weird Al Yankovic will be composing the school’s anthem. The school crest will feature a rendition of Botticelli’s Venus, with a naked Paltrow emerging from a large shell. Students will graduate with a BBS, a Bachelorette of BS degree.


humortimes--2020-02-23--Russia, If You’re STILL listening…

Russia, If You’re STILL listening…

Of course Putin ’ s still listening !
You never know who ’ s got Putin ’ s ear… but with Trump ’ s loose lips , the transmissions are loud & clear .
As angry as we are with Trump , our not-so covert operator ; with this list – we just have to play along !
“ I ’ m fine here – well , holding my own until Melania came in !
ha ha “ About that pre-order – I think I ’ d like to have it now .
Free Shipping , right ?
Send it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – they ’ re a little suspicious lately.
” “ If you ’ re not busy – here ’ s my ’ 10 Items or Less ’ Order ” !
10 .
2 TINS OF BELUGA CAVIAR !
Eric counts the fish eggs & then puts them on his Big Mac !
9 .
A DOZEN BLINI !
Stephen Miller ’ s Wedding Gift & throw in your best *Manure !
*Ignore this one , Vlad ; I think a Dem ‘ Post-Noted ’ this one in !
7 .
A BABUSKA !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Iowa – he has a Waiting Cow-a-Milking !
6 .
100 GALLONS OF WODKA !
It ’ s for Bill Barr – he suddenly developed a Bathtub Fetish !
5 .
SHARPIES !
What can I say , I doodle – I ran out filling-in St. Petersburg & Siberia !
4 .
A BORSCHT COOKBOOK !
What a Trouper – Melania always looks 4 years ahead !
3 .
Bagful of MOSCOW McDONALDS !
I can ’ t trust them over here – Jose is a Never-Trumper & the Fry Count is way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of those freakin ’ RUSSIAN NESTING DOLLS !
I want to play ‘ 3 Doll Monte ’ with Barron to show him how to juggle Dictators !
Oh , & # 1 .
Do you still have the PHONE NUMBERS for Olga & Urina ?

Of course Putin’s still listening!
You never know who’s got Putin’s ear… but with Trump’s loose lips, the transmissions are loud & clear.
As angry as we are with Trump, our not-so covert operator; with this list – we just have to play along!
“I’m fine here – well, holding my own until Melania came in! ha ha
C’mon Vlad! Is this on”?
“About that pre-order – I think I’d like to have it now. Free Shipping, right? Send it to Mar-a-Lago – not the White House – they’re a little suspicious lately.”
“If you’re not busy – here’s my ’10 Items or Less’ Order”!
10. 2 TINS OF BELUGA CAVIAR! Eric counts the fish eggs & then puts them on his Big Mac!
9. A DOZEN BLINI! Stephen Miller’s Wedding Gift & throw in your best *Manure!
*Ignore this one, Vlad; I think a Dem ‘Post-Noted’ this one in!
8. BOOK DONALD JR. 2 Tickets on the Vulva River Cruise!
7. A BABUSKA! Mitch McConnell wants to hide out in Iowa – he has a Waiting Cow-a-Milking!
6. 100 GALLONS OF WODKA! It’s for Bill Barr – he suddenly developed a Bathtub Fetish!
5. SHARPIES! What can I say, I doodle – I ran out filling-in St. Petersburg & Siberia!
4. A BORSCHT COOKBOOK! What a Trouper – Melania always looks 4 years ahead!
3. Bagful of MOSCOW McDONALDS! I can’t trust them over here – Jose is a Never-Trumper & the Fry Count is way off!
2. Okay, one of those freakin’ RUSSIAN NESTING DOLLS! I want to play ‘3 Doll Monte’ with Barron to show him how to juggle Dictators!
Oh, & #1. Do you still have the PHONE NUMBERS for Olga & Urina?


humortimes--2020-02-23--Capitol Dome to Become World’s Biggest Tit

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
To celebrate President Trump ’ s impeachment acquittal , Senate Republicans have vowed to convert Washington DC ’ s Capitol dome into a giant tit .
“ It only seems fitting , ” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell , “ And I think we can count on plenty of support from our base.
” “ We ’ re talking about something done in very good taste , ” explained Kentucky representative Rand Paul , “ something the entire @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but not sleazy.
” “ Like Madonna ’ s bullet-boobs back in the 90 ’ s , ” added Lindsey Graham of South Carolina .
Democrats have expressed their outrage at the plan .
“ Unfortunately , it ’ s what we ’ ve come to expect from these jugheads , ” complained minority leader Chuck Schumer .
The President , however , offered his enthusiastic support .
“ I think it ’ s a great idea !
Absolutely great !
Because nobody has more respect for boobs than I do .
Nobody @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rudy Giuliani !
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Republicans plan Capitol dome renovation to celebrate Trump’s acquittal.
To celebrate President Trump’s impeachment acquittal, Senate Republicans have vowed to convert Washington DC’s Capitol dome into a giant tit.
“It only seems fitting,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell, “Tit for tat. And I think we can count on plenty of support from our base.”
“We’re talking about something done in very good taste,” explained Kentucky representative Rand Paul, “something the entire family can enjoy together. Sexy, but not sleazy.”
“Like Madonna’s bullet-boobs back in the 90’s,” added Lindsey Graham of South Carolina.
Democrats have expressed their outrage at the plan. “Unfortunately, it’s what we’ve come to expect from these jugheads,” complained minority leader Chuck Schumer.
The President, however, offered his enthusiastic support. “I think it’s a great idea! Absolutely great! Because nobody has more respect for boobs than I do. Nobody! Just ask my personal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani!”


humortimes--2020-02-23--Special, New Holiday for Trump Because He Is So Special

Trump requests a special day just for him , separate from President ’ s Day .
Our feckless leader , Prosidentia Trump , is upset because he wants to stand above the other former Presidents of the United States who he feels are lesser than he is .
He does not want to have to share the holiday President ’ s Day with all the other former leaders .
Trump feels that he is beyond them .
Therefore he has requested Congress to set aside a special day of honor just for him separate from President ’ s Day .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ President now !
Almost all of the other ’ s are dead.
” he stated using his own special brand of Trumponian logic ( patented ) .
The Senate , always willing to jump when he barks , immediately ratified it without informing the Legislature which is mostly made up of Democrats .
Protests erupted almost immediately .
“ Who does he think he is ?
” asked many Democrats .
“ He really thinks he should have a special President ’ s Day separate from the other President ’ s ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a special day for himself ?
” asked William Barr , the United State ’ s Attorney General and another Trump lackey .
“ After all he is ‘ The Trump !
’ Who else can be like him ?
” His legions of knuckle-dragging followers , however , solidly backed him up on it , their brain circuits not even registering that this was an arrogant , self-centered request on his part that did nothing for the country but added to his own vanity .
When interviewed they pretty much all answered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he is the Prasident so he kin do whatever he wants !
It all is fein by me !
” Even more protests came about when Trump chose December 25th as his President ’ s Day .
“ I feel it would be symbolic of my greatness .
“ stated the Trumpster .
“ Why should Jesus have that day all to himself for 2,000 years ?
” The House immediately and made it April 1st instead .
So far neither the Prosidentia nor his legions have noticed the irony .

Trump requests a special day just for him, separate from President’s Day.
Our feckless leader, Prosidentia Trump, is upset because he wants to stand above the other former Presidents of the United States who he feels are lesser than he is. He does not want to have to share the holiday President’s Day with all the other former leaders. Trump feels that he is beyond them.
Therefore he has requested Congress to set aside a special day of honor just for him separate from President’s Day. “After all, I am the President now! Almost all of the other’s are dead.” he stated using his own special brand of Trumponian logic (patented). The Senate, always willing to jump when he barks, immediately ratified it without informing the Legislature which is mostly made up of Democrats.
Protests erupted almost immediately. “Who does he think he is?”asked many Democrats. “He really thinks he should have a special President’s Day separate from the other President’s?”
“Yes!” answered Mitch McConnell, the President’s sidekick and favorite Yes-man.
“Why shouldn’t he have a special day for himself?” asked William Barr, the United State’s Attorney General and another Trump lackey. “After all he is ‘The Trump!’ Who else can be like him?”
His legions of knuckle-dragging followers, however, solidly backed him up on it, their brain circuits not even registering that this was an arrogant, self-centered request on his part that did nothing for the country but added to his own vanity. When interviewed they pretty much all answered the same half-brained phrase- “Whall, he is the Prasident so he kin do whatever he wants! It all is fein by me!”
Even more protests came about when Trump chose December 25th as his President’s Day. “ I feel it would be symbolic of my greatness. “ stated the Trumpster. “Why should Jesus have that day all to himself for 2,000 years?” The House immediately and made it April 1st instead. So far neither the Prosidentia nor his legions have noticed the irony.


humortimes--2020-02-23--The Amazing Fall of Donald Trump’s ‘Big, Beautiful Wall’

Donald Trump has continuously stamped his tiny feet and demanded that Congress shell out more than 10 billion of our taxpayers ’ dollars for a “ big , beautiful wall ” he promised Mexico would pay for .
Big , high walls can be troublesome .
Ask Humpty Dumpty .
Or consider the Canaanite city of Jericho : According to a Biblical tale , its walls came tumbling down when Joshua and the Israelites encircled it and blew their horns .
However , for a real-life , epic story about wall troubles , ponder the trials and tribulations of our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he is the most bodacious barrier builder of all , yet he can ’ t seem to get his one “ big , beautiful wall ” funded or even taken seriously , much less built .
Throughout his presidency , Donald Trump has continuously stamped his tiny feet and demanded that Congress shell out more than 10 billion of our taxpayers ’ dollars to erect a monster of a wall across some 2,000 miles of the U.S. border with Mexico .
Like a flimflaming snake-oil peddler , he rants that his magnificent edifice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ rapists , ” “ murderers , ” “ terrorists , ” “ drugs ” and “ cartels ” from entering the U.S. from the south .
But even when his own party controlled both houses of Congress , the presidency and the courts , his grand scheme went unloved , unfunded and unbuilt .
Still , he kept insisting … and persisting .
In January , he directed his Customs and Border Control officials to put up a short section of his 30-foot-tall wall on the border at Calexico , California , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump bulwark would be .
Alas , though , the thing blew over !
Not from a hurricane-force storm but from moderate winds topping out at only 37 miles an hour .
The metal panels flung over into Mexico .
Embarrassing .
More embarrassing was a personal visit Trump made to San Diego last September for a media event hailing a new supertech model of a wall that the master builder declared to be “ virtually impossible ” for violators to climb .
Calling the design “ amazing , ” he used a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ structure , declaring to the media : “ I tell you this strongly : No more people can come in.
” A month later , a climbing group in Kentucky built a replica of that wall and held an up-and-over competition .
Winning time was 13.1 seconds !
Sixty-five competitors easily topped it , including an 8-year-old girl and a guy who climbed it one-handed while juggling various items with his other hand .
Trump has , however , proven that one thing truly is impenetrable : his head .
Absolutely no embarrassment @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his locked mind and deter his extravagant folly .
Remember when candidate Trump promised repeatedly that not only would he wall out all migrants crossing our Mexican border but — by gollies — he would also see to it that Mexico would pay the tab for his xenophobic wall ?
Mexico hasn ’ t paid a peso … and won ’ t .
So , just as he did in building many of his luxury condos and resorts , Donald Dealmaker ran to the government , demanding that it pony up the unlimited @ @ @ @ @ @ @ project .
Aside from a token appropriation in 2018 , however , Congress has said , “ Ummm … no.
” But that ’ s no hill for a narcissistic climber .
Unable to get tax money legitimately , Trump has simply stolen it , reaching into the Pentagon ’ s budget for military funding .
Ignoring the constitutional mandate that only Congress is empowered to direct the flow of money from the people ’ s purse , Trump filched $ 6.1 billion from our military last year , snatched another $ 3.8 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at least another $ 3.4 billion before the year is out .
This executive “ reprogramming , ” as the White House euphemistically calls its daylight robbery , is being pulled off by masking Trump ’ s wall obsession as a “ national emergency.
” To fulfill the president ’ s whimsical political desires , Pentagon brass has been yanking funds for military equipment and construction projects from the Army , Air Force , Navy , Marines , National Guard … and , ultimately , from our fighting forces .
Presidential autocracy aside @ @ @ @ @ @ @ three other interesting issues of public morality .
One : His trickery sets a precedent not only for future presidents but also for our young people ’ s behavior .
Two : Our Congress critters , especially Trump Republicans , set a new standard of craven meekness in the face of this direct assault on their authority and our democracy .
Three : The Pentagon , by simply kissing off a budget loss of more than $ 13 billion , saying it ’ s in excess of the military ’ s needs , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ routinely taking away too much of the public ’ s money .

Donald Trump has continuously stamped his tiny feet and demanded that Congress shell out more than 10 billion of our taxpayers’ dollars for a “big, beautiful wall” he promised Mexico would pay for.
Big, high walls can be troublesome. Ask Humpty Dumpty. Or consider the Canaanite city of Jericho: According to a Biblical tale, its walls came tumbling down when Joshua and the Israelites encircled it and blew their horns.
However, for a real-life, epic story about wall troubles, ponder the trials and tribulations of our very own president. He trumpets that he is the most bodacious barrier builder of all, yet he can’t seem to get his one “big, beautiful wall” funded or even taken seriously, much less built. Throughout his presidency, Donald Trump has continuously stamped his tiny feet and demanded that Congress shell out more than 10 billion of our taxpayers’ dollars to erect a monster of a wall across some 2,000 miles of the U.S. border with Mexico. Like a flimflaming snake-oil peddler, he rants that his magnificent edifice would magically keep “aliens,” “rapists,” “murderers,” “terrorists,” “drugs” and “cartels” from entering the U.S. from the south. But even when his own party controlled both houses of Congress, the presidency and the courts, his grand scheme went unloved, unfunded and unbuilt.
Still, he kept insisting … and persisting. In January, he directed his Customs and Border Control officials to put up a short section of his 30-foot-tall wall on the border at Calexico, California, to show the world how effective the Trump bulwark would be. Alas, though, the thing blew over! Not from a hurricane-force storm but from moderate winds topping out at only 37 miles an hour. The metal panels flung over into Mexico. Embarrassing.
More embarrassing was a personal visit Trump made to San Diego last September for a media event hailing a new supertech model of a wall that the master builder declared to be “virtually impossible” for violators to climb. Calling the design “amazing,” he used a Sharpie to sign his name on the structure, declaring to the media: “I tell you this strongly: No more people can come in.”
A month later, a climbing group in Kentucky built a replica of that wall and held an up-and-over competition. Winning time was 13.1 seconds! Sixty-five competitors easily topped it, including an 8-year-old girl and a guy who climbed it one-handed while juggling various items with his other hand.
Trump has, however, proven that one thing truly is impenetrable: his head. Absolutely no embarrassment, logic or factual evidence can enter his locked mind and deter his extravagant folly.
Remember when candidate Trump promised repeatedly that not only would he wall out all migrants crossing our Mexican border but — by gollies — he would also see to it that Mexico would pay the tab for his xenophobic wall?
Mexico hasn’t paid a peso … and won’t. So, just as he did in building many of his luxury condos and resorts, Donald Dealmaker ran to the government, demanding that it pony up the unlimited billions of dollars for his pet political project. Aside from a token appropriation in 2018, however, Congress has said, “Ummm … no.”
But that’s no hill for a narcissistic climber. Unable to get tax money legitimately, Trump has simply stolen it, reaching into the Pentagon’s budget for military funding. Ignoring the constitutional mandate that only Congress is empowered to direct the flow of money from the people’s purse, Trump filched $6.1 billion from our military last year, snatched another $3.8 billion this month and intends to swipe at least another $3.4 billion before the year is out.
This executive “reprogramming,” as the White House euphemistically calls its daylight robbery, is being pulled off by masking Trump’s wall obsession as a “national emergency.” To fulfill the president’s whimsical political desires, Pentagon brass has been yanking funds for military equipment and construction projects from the Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines, National Guard … and, ultimately, from our fighting forces.
Presidential autocracy aside, Trump’s massive larceny raises three other interesting issues of public morality. One: His trickery sets a precedent not only for future presidents but also for our young people’s behavior. Two: Our Congress critters, especially Trump Republicans, set a new standard of craven meekness in the face of this direct assault on their authority and our democracy. Three: The Pentagon, by simply kissing off a budget loss of more than $13 billion, saying it’s in excess of the military’s needs, is admitting that the war machine is routinely taking away too much of the public’s money.