humortimes--2020-05-09--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews President Abraham Lincoln

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the 16th President of the United States , Abraham Lincoln , via heavenly hologram .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Through the magic of a hologram , from heaven my guest is the 16th President of the United States , Abraham Lincoln .
Won ’ t you be my neighbor ?
Duncan .
Four score and seven years ago your mother stripped @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wise guy .
What do you call a 350-pound stripper ?
You were born in a Kentucky log cabin in 1809 .
My family was so poor , the ducks used to throw bread at us .
But I was determined to succeed .
I became a lawyer .
Argued 175 cases in the Illinois Supreme Court .
Why did you quit ?
I wanted an easy job , so I ran for Congress .
I was a Whig , then a Republican .
Republican ?
If you were in that party today @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Yes .
I ’ m concerned that our obsession with Trump is distracting us from how terrifying the rest of the party is .
The Republican Party .
Same trailer .
Different park .
I was elected to Congress from Illinois .
Married Mary Todd and had 3 kids .
It wasn ’ t all roses .
I was depressed , had smallpox and malaria .
Abe .
Did you say malaria ?
I have the cure .
I have the cure .
It ’ s called hydroxyhloroquine .
Only $ 37 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do you got to lose ?
Fake news .
Lincoln has a big room in the White House , a statue on the National Mall and makes a few bucks at Mount Rushmore .
I ’ d say those are good investments .
Lincoln is the greatest president in the history of the United States .
He freed the slaves and ended the Civil War .
You started one again .
C ’ mon .
Some of my best friends are African American .
Reverend Al Sharpton .
Said you are “ a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dangerous , divisive and diversionary.
” Said you are “ a bully and nobody knows how to handle you.
” Two out of three ain ’ t bad .
Did your old man go sideways when you chopped down the cherry tree ?
That was George Washington .
Don ’ t you read books ?
Well .
Does Dr. Seuss count ?
Cat In The Hat , Horton Hatches The Egg .
Educational .
Educational .
Did you know John Wilkes Booth was one of the greatest stand-up comedians in history ?
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Theatre .
Yeah .
I was really having a great time at the theatre until I asked Booth for a headshot .
This interview is going south .
Those are my peeps .
Trumpster .
What ’ s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo ?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal in front of the cage along with a recipe .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln, via heavenly hologram.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Through the magic of a hologram, from heaven my guest is the 16th President of the United States, Abraham Lincoln.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Won’t you be my neighbor?
JERRY
That’s Mister Rogers, you idiot.
LINCOLN
Duncan. Four score and seven years ago your mother stripped at my bachelor party.
JERRY
Okay, wise guy. What do you call a 350-pound stripper?
LINCOLN
I don’t know.
JERRY
Broke!
JERRY
You were born in a Kentucky log cabin in 1809.
LINCOLN
My family was so poor, the ducks used to throw bread at us. But I was determined to succeed. I became a lawyer. Argued 175 cases in the Illinois Supreme Court.
JERRY
Why did you quit?
LINCOLN
I wanted an easy job, so I ran for Congress. I was a Whig, then a Republican.
JERRY
Republican? If you were in that party today your nickname would be “Dishonest Abe.”
LINCOLN
Yes. I’m concerned that our obsession with Trump is distracting us from how terrifying the rest of the party is.
JERRY
The Republican Party. Same trailer. Different park.
LINCOLN
I was elected to Congress from Illinois. Married Mary Todd and had 3 kids. It wasn’t all roses. I was depressed, had smallpox and malaria.
The studio door slams shut. President Donald Trump enters.
PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP
Abe. Did you say malaria?
TRUMP
I have the cure. I have the cure. It’s called hydroxyhloroquine. Only $37 for 100 pills at Walgreens. What do you got to lose?
JERRY
He’s dead, Orange Marmalade.
TRUMP
Fake news. Lincoln has a big room in the White House, a statue on the National Mall and makes a few bucks at Mount Rushmore. I’d say those are good investments.
JERRY
Lincoln is the greatest president in the history of the United States. He freed the slaves and ended the Civil War. You started one again.
TRUMP
C’mon. Some of my best friends are African American. Reverend Al Sharpton.
JERRY
Said you are “a White Nationalist.”
TRUMP
Reverend Jesse Jackson.
JERRY
Said you are “dangerous, divisive and diversionary.”
TRUMP
Comedian Chris Rock.
JERRY
Said you are “a bully and nobody knows how to handle you.”
TRUMP
Two out of three ain’t bad.
TRUMP
Hey. I have a question for Abe.
LINCOLN
Go ahead, Trumpster.
TRUMP
Did your old man go sideways when you chopped down the cherry tree?
LINCOLN
That was George Washington. Don’t you read books?
TRUMP
Well. Does Dr. Seuss count? Cat In The Hat, Horton Hatches The Egg. Educational. Educational.
JERRY
That’s beyond your comprehension.
TRUMP
Did you know John Wilkes Booth was one of the greatest stand-up comedians in history? I heard he really killed it at Ford’s Theatre.
LINCOLN
Yeah. I was really having a great time at the theatre until I asked Booth for a headshot.
JERRY
This interview is going south.
TRUMP
Those are my peeps.
LINCOLN
Trumpster. What’s the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern zoo?
TRUMP
Rush Limbaugh?
LINCOLN
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal in front of the cage along with a recipe.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.


humortimes--2020-05-10--The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Pages 36-41

The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Pages 36-41

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : It ’ s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all right here !
Jerry moves over to the radio station .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning .
We have a very special guest .
Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton .
Is it a good day ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Hillary Clinton is wearing a pantsuit and waving , as she dances @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stage from the audience .
She is accompanied by the intern .
Come on darling .
Keep going .
That ’ s it .
She goes behind the screen .
Jerry follows .
Call me Jerry .
Call me anything you want .
I might just take you up on that .
Let ’ s see .
You were the First Lady from 1992 to 2001 .
But not the only lady in the life of William Jefferson Clinton .
What are you saying ?
There was Paula , Jennifer , Monica .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ pants up .
He was impeached for that .
Remember ?
Are you going to talk about the past , Jerky Duncan ?
I ’ ll pretend I didn ’ t hear that .
Hey .
Do you know why your husband crossed Pennsylvania Avenue without Secret Service ?
To get to the intern on the other side .
You know , Jerry .
Life isn ’ t always black and white .
It can be grey .
Like the real color of your hair ?
If you say so , Miss Smarty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You were the U.S .
Senator of New York from 2001 to ’ 09 .
Only taking time out to run for president against Barack Obama in ’ 08 .
How did you feel after you lost ?
I was partying like it was 1999 .
How the hell do you think I felt ?
!
But Obama made you his Secretary of State .
True .
I bridged close friendships with our allies , curtailed Iran ’ s nuclear program and… Are you even listening to me ?
I should have gone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The U.S. Mission set on fire by terrorists on September 11 , 2012 .
Our ambassador to Libya and three nationals killed .
Congress wouldn ’ t authorize funding to protect our embassies .
You know , Jerry .
I would have given Bill ’ s left nut to save them .
It was awful .
Yes .
And the thought of Bill not having a left nut .
You were a Republican before you became a Democrat .
I was a Goldwater girl back in 1964 .
Worked for awhile on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in ’ 68 .
But then I found my true calling .
Senator Eugene McCarthy , the anti-Vietnam War presidential candidate from Minnesota .
Good-bye Rocky .
After law school , you became so political that you worked on the impeachment hearings of President Richard Nixon .
He was a crook and liar just like Trump .
Trying to obstruct justice by undermining our elections .
Ahhh .
Creep , liar , 15 minutes of fame .
If Too Tall Comey had not brought up my email server 10 days prior to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would be president today .
I won the popular vote by almost three million .
I believe he was concerned sleazy Congressman Anthony Weiner had access to your personal emails .
And maybe a few government emails as well .
Only 3 of 30,000 emails were marked classified .
They were traffic tickets .
They were from college .
Uh..high school .
Whatever .
Then there was the one email that solved the mystery at last of who it was that circumcised Jared Kushner .
That was about it .
Tell me this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ HRC ?
I ’ m glad you asked , Jerry .
I will be running for president in 2020 .
Oh , no .
Spare us .
There she goes .
Hillary Rodham Clinton .
15 minute intermission everyone .
The slumlord sold this dump to the city .
My cockroaches will be homeless and I don ’ t know how to break it to them .
( jumps up ) You just barge in here whenever you like .
Why ?
I need an appointment ?
I ’ m your mother .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ leaving this place .
The day you were expelled from my uterus .
The idiot that was always talking to himself ?
He was never normal after his sled crashed into a moose .
Yeah .
Well .
Sven has been a bus driver up here since he passed away 10 years ago .
What about him ?
He lost his job today .
Apparently , he gave up his seat to Helen Keller .
It was frightening for the passengers .
Keller had one hand on the road when she was pulled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sven ’ s family moved out of Alaska without telling him .
Sorry to interrupt .
Nobody has seen Rudy Giuliani .
He was supposed to be here .
I got a text from Bellevue Mental Hospital .
He was released an hour ago and on his way .
He listens then hangs up .
I love you , Jerry .
Well ?
Do you have something to tell me ?
Yeah .
If you see The Three Stooges , get me their autographs .
Jerry and the intern move over to the @ @ @

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Jerry moves over to the radio station.
Scene 12 Radio Station
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
Jerry grabs the microphone.
JERRY
Good morning. We have a very special guest. Former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton. Is it a good day? We’ll soon find out.
Hillary Clinton is wearing a pantsuit and waving, as she dances to a rap song heading to the stage from the audience. She is accompanied by the intern.
INTERN
Come on darling. Keep going. That’s it.
She goes behind the screen. Jerry follows.
HILLARY
Hello Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Welcome Madam Secretary.
HILLARY
Call me Hillary.
JERRY
Call me Jerry. Call me anything you want.
HILLARY
I might just take you up on that.
JERRY
Let’s see. You were the First Lady from 1992 to 2001. But not the only lady in the life of William Jefferson Clinton.
HILLARY
What are you saying?
JERRY
There was Paula, Jennifer, Monica. Your husband couldn’t keep his pants up. He was impeached for that. Remember?
HILLARY
Are you going to talk about the past, Jerky Duncan?
JERRY
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. Hey. Do you know why your husband crossed Pennsylvania Avenue without Secret Service?
HILLARY
No. Why?
JERRY
To get to the intern on the other side.
HILLARY
You know, Jerry. Life isn’t always black and white. It can be grey.
JERRY
Like the real color of your hair?
HILLARY
You’re a deplorable.
JERRY
If you say so, Miss Smarty Pantsuit. Let’s see. You were the U.S. Senator of New York from 2001 to ’09. Only taking time out to run for president against Barack Obama in ’08. How did you feel after you lost?
HILLARY
I was partying like it was 1999. How the hell do you think I felt?!
JERRY
But Obama made you his Secretary of State.
HILLARY
True. I bridged close friendships with our allies, curtailed Iran’s nuclear program and… Are you even listening to me? I should have gone on Howard Stern.
JERRY
Then came Benghazi. The U.S. Mission set on fire by terrorists on September 11, 2012. Our ambassador to Libya and three nationals killed.
HILLARY
Congress wouldn’t authorize funding to protect our embassies. You know, Jerry. I would have given Bill’s left nut to save them. It was awful.
JERRY
Losing those four people?
HILLARY
Yes. And the thought of Bill not having a left nut.
JERRY
You were a Republican before you became a Democrat.
HILLARY
I was a Goldwater girl back in 1964. Worked for awhile on Governor Nelson Rockefeller’s presidential campign in ’68. But then I found my true calling. Senator Eugene McCarthy, the anti-Vietnam War presidential candidate from Minnesota. Good-bye Rocky.
JERRY
After law school, you became so political that you worked on the impeachment hearings of President Richard Nixon.
HILLARY
He was a crook and liar just like Trump. Trying to obstruct justice by undermining our elections.
JERRY
James Comey. Ring a bell?
HILLARY
Ahhh. Creep, liar, 15 minutes of fame. If Too Tall Comey had not brought up my email server 10 days prior to the election, I, Hillary Rodham Clinton would be president today. I won the popular vote by almost three million.
JERRY
I believe he was concerned sleazy Congressman Anthony Weiner had access to your personal emails. And maybe a few government emails as well.
HILLARY
Only 3 of 30,000 emails were marked classified. They were traffic tickets.
JERRY
But you don’t drive.
HILLARY
They were from college. Uh..high school. Whatever. Then there was the one email that solved the mystery at last of who it was that circumcised Jared Kushner.
JERRY
Crazy.
HILLARY
That was about it.
JERRY
Tell me this. What are the future plans for HRC?
HILLARY
I’m glad you asked, Jerry. I will be running for president in 2020.
JERRY
Oh, no. Spare us.
Hillary exits waving to the crowd.
JERRY
There she goes. Hillary Rodham Clinton. 15 minute intermission everyone.
END OF ACT I INTERMISSION
ACT II
Scene 1 Jerry’s Apartment
JERRY
The slumlord sold this dump to the city. My cockroaches will be homeless and I don’t know how to break it to them.
Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
Did I hear right, Jerry?
JERRY
(jumps up) You just barge in here whenever you like.
MAGGIE
Why? I need an appointment? I’m your mother. You should be happy you’re leaving this place.
JERRY
What’s happiness?
MAGGIE
The day you were expelled from my uterus.
JERRY
Good. Real good.
MAGGIE
You remember Sven Johnson?
JERRY
The idiot that was always talking to himself? He was never normal after his sled crashed into a moose.
MAGGIE
Yeah. Well. Sven has been a bus driver up here since he passed away 10 years ago.
JERRY
What about him?
MAGGIE
He lost his job today. Apparently, he gave up his seat to Helen Keller. It was frightening for the passengers. Keller had one hand on the road when she was pulled over by a cop.
JERRY
No wonder Sven’s family moved out of Alaska without telling him.
The intern enters.
INTERN
Sorry to interrupt. Nobody has seen Rudy Giuliani. He was supposed to be here.
JERRY
I got a text from Bellevue Mental Hospital. He was released an hour ago and on his way.
Intern’s cell phone rings. He picks up.
INTERN
Yo.
He listens then hangs up.
INTERN
(to Jerry) He’s here.
JERRY
Gotta run.
MAGGIE
I love you, Jerry. Well? Do you have something to tell me?
JERRY
Yeah. If you see The Three Stooges, get me their autographs.
JERRY
(imitates Curly) Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck.
Jerry and the intern move over to the radio station.
TO BE CONTINUED…


humortimes--2020-05-11--Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/11/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/11/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blood will be used to develop COVID-19 vaccine … you ’ ll know it ’ s taken effect when you have a sudden urge to give an acceptance speech .
Belgians are being called upon to eat fries at least twice a week as more than 750,000 tons of potatoes are at risk of being thrown away Yup , the latest numbers show Trump leading Biden by over twenty harassments .
So , Axl ’ s gone from feuding with Slash to feuding with ‘ Slash Medicare and Social Security.
’ Hillstone Restaurant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can ’ t wear a mask … they might as well just change their name from Hillstone to Tombstone .
Kate Beckinsale thinks Goody Grace is the ‘ perfect quarantine boyfriend , ’ source says Well , at least until Boy Toys R ’ Us offers home delivery .
Or , as it will now be known , J. Screwed .
Monstrous ‘ murder hornets ’ have reached the U.S So , what ’ s Trump going to do about it , tell people to get injected with Raid and drink insect repellent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ World ’ s abandoned Discovery Island park during shutdown Would ’ ve gotten away with it , too , if it he hadn ’ t kept singing “ It ’ s a Small World ” over and over again… European Space Agency : Human urine could help make concrete on Moon So , they ’ ll be able to build a wall and make the Martians pay for it .
Twitter ’ s asks users to watch their language before sending tweets

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Tom Hanks’ blood will be used to develop COVID-19 vaccine
… you’ll know it’s taken effect when you have a sudden urge to give an acceptance speech.
Kim Jong Un seen alive
Apparently, Kim Jong Un is North Korean for Freddy Krueger.
Belgians are being called upon to eat fries at least twice a week as more than 750,000 tons of potatoes are at risk of being thrown away
We’re counting on you, Belgians, don’t waffle!
Biden appears to lengthen lead over Trump
Yup, the latest numbers show Trump leading Biden by over twenty harassments.
Axl Rose and Treasury Secretary Mnuchin have a Twitter beef
So, Axl’s gone from feuding with Slash to feuding with ‘Slash Medicare and Social Security.’
Hillstone Restaurant in Dallas is telling its employees they can’t wear a mask
… they might as well just change their name from Hillstone to Tombstone.
Kate Beckinsale thinks Goody Grace is the ‘perfect quarantine boyfriend,’ source says
Well, at least until Boy Toys R’ Us offers home delivery.
J. Crew files for bankruptcy protection
Or, as it will now be known, J. Screwed.
Monstrous ‘murder hornets’ have reached the U.S
So, what’s Trump going to do about it, tell people to get injected with Raid and drink insect repellent!
Man found camping out on Disney World’s abandoned Discovery Island park during shutdown
Would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it he hadn’t kept singing “It’s a Small World” over and over again…
European Space Agency: Human urine could help make concrete on Moon
So, they’ll be able to build a wall and make the Martians pay for it.
3 McDonald’s workers shot in customer attack over coronavirus limits
Damn, the Hamburglar ain’t playing.
Trump didn’t wear mask at mask making factory
That’s like a Kardashian visiting an underwear factory!
Twitter’s asks users to watch their language before sending tweets
… F&%k off, Twitter…


humortimes--2020-05-11--Ohio Governor: ‘Starve Out Covid-19 Runaways’

As the president goes , so go the Republican governors .
“ The American people were born to serve , and that is what they will do , even if we have to starve them out to get it done.
” — Ohio Governor Mike DeWine .
That is the latest edict from the Ohio Statehouse where Republican Governor and proud Trumpian lap dog Mike DeWine is flouting his own safe re-opening guidelines for the state .
He recently announced the launch of an Ohio Department of Jobs and Family Services program to facilitate turning in runaways that refuse to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Covid-19 , thus stopping their unemployment benefits .
Covid-19 has killed more than 1,200 Ohioans already .
The official website for the program , https : //secure.jfs.ohio.gov/covid-19-fraud/ , directs that “ Employers may use the following form to report employees who quit or refuse work when it is available due to COVID-19.
” Speaking at a press conference celebrating the inauguration of the draconian , soviet-style program , the governor called for Ohio employers to , “ help us catch these dissidents , these mutineers and runaways , before they infect our loyal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and their foolish concerns for the well-being of their loved ones and all this stuff about testing.
” Testing is readily available for people in close proximity to the governor , but rare to non-existent for ordinary Ohioans .
Oddly , Ohio put this particular web site on line quickly with no problems , while the web site for implementing the federally mandated PUA program for stimulus help for self-employed workers is still nowhere in sight more than five weeks after the state received the money from the federal government .
The ODJFS @ @ @ @ @ @ @ waiting for further guidance from the U.S. Department of Labor on how to ‘ operationalize ’ it , ” though the U.S. Department of Labor has updated their PUA guidelines three times since the Cares Act was signed into law on March 27th .
Other Republican states such as Iowa , Texas , Oklahoma and South Carolina have similar “ Return the Runaways ” requirements for employers to report rebellious workers refusing to expose themselves to the deadly virus .
The Trump administration has worked with the states for years to try to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the “ stupid , unreasonable expectation of bad , bad people in this country to think they have a right to eat and a place to live if they are not doing their assigned work.
” Some 600 Ohio employers have already turned in nearly 1,300 workers for putting their lives and the lives of their loved ones above obedience to the state .
Some employers are even getting imaginative in what may be a contest of sorts for creatively regaining runaway workers .
“ I ’ m buying Murder Hornets to chase @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” the owner of a manufacturing company in Findlay replied .
“ I ’ ll by God make America great again one runaway at a time if it kills them.
” The owner of a contract food packaging company in Hebron who has taped X ’ s six feet apart on the floor of her assembly line “ for the fraidy cats ” said she thinks it will only take a couple of weeks to a month for the virus to “ wash through ” the facility before things can return to normal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ some of them , sure , but I have a business to run , ” Sheila Pappinson said as she monitored her minimum wage employees remotely from a “ safe office ” high above the factory floor .
“ I ’ ll sure as hell turn them in if they don ’ t come back on their own , but I ’ d rather see some kind of Runaway Retrieval Force established by the state .
That ’ s what I would do .
Of course that ’ s if we can find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t even have addresses.
” Governor DeWine ’ s office did not respond to a Humor Times request for comment , but Statehouse spokesperson Pat Bailey issued a written statement reading , “ The governor , along with the rest of the great state of Ohio , believes it is every Ohioan ’ s duty to respond to the president ’ s call for a return to the way things used to be and ignore the possibility of a slow and painful death by suffocation so we can all get back to making @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reelected.
” “ We are calling for every working-class Ohioan to be a warrior in the fight against this deadly economic enemy .
Throw yourself into the breach to show our great president Ohio ’ s vast appreciation for his wise and benign leadership .
Now get back to work Ohio !
Turn in runaways and make America , and Ohio , great again !
”

As the president goes, so go the Republican governors.
“The American people were born to serve, and that is what they will do, even if we have to starve them out to get it done.” — Ohio Governor Mike DeWine.
That is the latest edict from the Ohio Statehouse where Republican Governor and proud Trumpian lap dog Mike DeWine is flouting his own safe re-opening guidelines for the state.
He recently announced the launch of an Ohio Department of Jobs and Family Services program to facilitate turning in runaways that refuse to return to work due to fears of Covid-19, thus stopping their unemployment benefits. Covid-19 has killed more than 1,200 Ohioans already.
The official website for the program, https://secure.jfs.ohio.gov/covid-19-fraud/, directs that “Employers may use the following form to report employees who quit or refuse work when it is available due to COVID-19.”
Speaking at a press conference celebrating the inauguration of the draconian, soviet-style program, the governor called for Ohio employers to, “help us catch these dissidents, these mutineers and runaways, before they infect our loyal citizens with their seditious notions of safety and their foolish concerns for the well-being of their loved ones and all this stuff about testing.” Testing is readily available for people in close proximity to the governor, but rare to non-existent for ordinary Ohioans.
Oddly, Ohio put this particular web site on line quickly with no problems, while the web site for implementing the federally mandated PUA program for stimulus help for self-employed workers is still nowhere in sight more than five weeks after the state received the money from the federal government.
The ODJFS web site says the state is “waiting for further guidance from the U.S. Department of Labor on how to ‘operationalize’ it,” though the U.S. Department of Labor has updated their PUA guidelines three times since the Cares Act was signed into law on March 27th.
Other Republican states such as Iowa, Texas, Oklahoma and South Carolina have similar “Return the Runaways” requirements for employers to report rebellious workers refusing to expose themselves to the deadly virus.
The Trump administration has worked with the states for years to try to quell what the president has often called the “stupid, unreasonable expectation of bad, bad people in this country to think they have a right to eat and a place to live if they are not doing their assigned work.”
Some 600 Ohio employers have already turned in nearly 1,300 workers for putting their lives and the lives of their loved ones above obedience to the state. Some employers are even getting imaginative in what may be a contest of sorts for creatively regaining runaway workers.
“I’m buying Murder Hornets to chase my runaways out of their houses,” the owner of a manufacturing company in Findlay replied. “I’ll by God make America great again one runaway at a time if it kills them.”
The owner of a contract food packaging company in Hebron who has taped X’s six feet apart on the floor of her assembly line “for the fraidy cats” said she thinks it will only take a couple of weeks to a month for the virus to “wash through” the facility before things can return to normal. “We’ll probably lose some of them, sure, but I have a business to run,” Sheila Pappinson said as she monitored her minimum wage employees remotely from a “safe office” high above the factory floor.
“I’ll sure as hell turn them in if they don’t come back on their own, but I’d rather see some kind of Runaway Retrieval Force established by the state. That’s what I would do. Of course that’s if we can find them. Some of them don’t even have addresses.”
Governor DeWine’s office did not respond to a Humor Times request for comment, but Statehouse spokesperson Pat Bailey issued a written statement reading, “The governor, along with the rest of the great state of Ohio, believes it is every Ohioan’s duty to respond to the president’s call for a return to the way things used to be and ignore the possibility of a slow and painful death by suffocation so we can all get back to making America great again by getting the president reelected.”
“We are calling for every working-class Ohioan to be a warrior in the fight against this deadly economic enemy. Throw yourself into the breach to show our great president Ohio’s vast appreciation for his wise and benign leadership. Now get back to work Ohio! Turn in runaways and make America, and Ohio, great again!”


humortimes--2020-05-11--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Zero Tolerance for Racists

When anger boils over it becomes hate .
How is being a racist not racist ?
Black Lives Matter , @ @ @ @ @ to race for their life .
Immigrants are being terror-ICEd by racists .
Unfortunately , @ @ @ @ @ Those that deserve a good , swift kick usually get it in the end .
@ @ @ @ @ unhappily ever after .
Any publicity is good publicity , unless it ’ s your @ @ @ @ @ never die , they just fade away .
We are all the beneficiaries of God @ @ @ @ @ physics what ’ s the matter in the universe .

The racists grew some hate.
Trump suffers from post-Obama trauma.
When anger boils over it becomes hate.
How is being a racist not racist?
A cruel tea party is running this White House.
Trump’s strategy: Pandering to debase.
White “nationalists” tweet hatred, white and blue.
Black Lives Matter, because no one should have to race for their life.
Our cops runneth over… civil liberties!
Slaves celebrate what freed ’em?
Immigrants are being terror-ICEd by racists.
Fox news constantly steps over the southern border lyin’.
Unfortunately, Republicans can Nazi anything.
Those that deserve a good, swift kick usually get it in the end.
And the angry man livid unhappily ever after.
Any publicity is good publicity, unless it’s your obituary.
Old blue jeans never die, they just fade away.
We are all the beneficiaries of God‘s will.
Science physics what’s the matter in the universe.
An ill wind blows. It snows.


humortimes--2020-05-11--Our Normal & New Normal in Song Titles

Our Normal & New Normal in Song Titles

Singing is not only allowed , it ’ s encouraged – but take off your mask first and belt out these “ New Normal ” songs !
Up is down , down is up — we may never get back to the good old days , but maybe we can laugh , vent a bit & reminisce old , old song titles while we wait !
Our Old Normal : “ I Have A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts ” Our New Normal : “ YES , WE HAVE NO BANANAS ” 3 .
“ One Bad Apple ” – “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 8 .
“ Here Comes The Sun ” – “ ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST ” 11 .
“ King Of The Road ” – “ DON ’ T FENCE ME IN ” !
12 .
“ What a Wonderful World ” – “ FLY ME TO THE MOON ” !
14 .
“ Do You Know Where You ’ re Going To ” ?
– “ UNDER THE BOARDWALK ” 15 .
“ Saturday Night is the Loneliest Night of the Week ” – “ HANG ON SLOOPY ” !
17 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Your Face ” – “ GOOD GOLLY , MISS MOLLY ” !
19 .
“ There Is Nothing Like A Dame ” – “ WHAT ’ S NEW PUSSYCAT ” ?
20 .
“ Help Me Make It Through The Night ” – “ HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW ” ?
22 .
“ All By Myself ” – I ’ M SO MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU , IT ’ S JUST LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND ” !

Singing is not only allowed, it’s encouraged – but take off your mask first and belt out these “New Normal” songs!
Up is down, down is up — we may never get back to the good old days, but maybe we can laugh, vent a bit & reminisce old, old song titles while we wait!
For Example:
Our Old Normal: “I Have A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts”
Our New Normal: “YES, WE HAVE NO BANANAS”
1. “Margaritaville” – “EIGHT DAYS A WEEK”
2. “Ain’t No Mountain High Enough” – “IN MY ROOM”
3. “One Bad Apple” – “IS THAT ALL THERE IS”?
4. “Rum & Coca Cola” – “ALWAYS ON MY MIND”
5. “3 Times a Lady” – “HIGH HOPES”
6. “Signed, Sealed, Delivered” – “AT LAST”
7. “Can’t Buy Me Love” – “I TOUCH MYSELF”
8. “Here Comes The Sun” – “ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST”
9. “Come On-a My House” – “SOMETHING STUPID”
10. “I Wanna Hold Your Hand” – “U CAN’T TOUCH THIS”!
11. “King Of The Road” – “DON’T FENCE ME IN”!
12. “What a Wonderful World” – “FLY ME TO THE MOON”!
13. “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” – “I WANNA BE SEDATED”!
14. “Do You Know Where You’re Going To”? – “UNDER THE BOARDWALK”
15. “Saturday Night is the Loneliest Night of the Week” – “HANG ON SLOOPY”!
16. “I’ve Grown Accustomed To Your Face” – “WHISKEY AIN’T WORKIN’ ANYMORE”!
17. “The First Time I Ever Saw Your Face” – “GOOD GOLLY, MISS MOLLY”!
18. “The Man in the Mirror” – “BIG BAD JOHN”
19. “There Is Nothing Like A Dame” – “WHAT’S NEW PUSSYCAT”?
20. “Help Me Make It Through The Night” – “HOW MUCH IS THAT DOGGIE IN THE WINDOW”?
21. “You’re Driving Me Crazy” – “MORE TODAY THAN YESTERDAY”!
And…
22. “All By Myself” – I’M SO MISERABLE WITHOUT YOU, IT’S JUST LIKE HAVING YOU AROUND”!


humortimes--2020-05-14--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews the Coronavirus Task Force

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews members of the newly formed Coronavirus Task Force .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
I have in studio members of the newly formed Coronavirus Task Force .
They are President Donald Trump , Vice President Mike Pence , Dr. Deborah Birx and comedian Pee-wee Herman .
Let me quote the Bible .
“ And Balaam rose up in the morning and saddled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after a wild night at Mar-a-Lago .
We need to quarantine Balaam for 14 days .
He tested positive for coronavirus .
Lots there to digest .
But let ’ s start with testing .
There are not enough tests to reopen the entire economy .
Not everybody needs to be tested .
Waste of money .
Waste of money .
The coronavirus will disappear .
No , Mr. President .
We need testing .
As long as there are tests , there will be prayer in schools .
We can use thermometers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer ?
Pee-wee .
I understand you have an announcement to make .
Yeah .
The Pee-wee line of clothing is discounted now in stores .
In fact , my pants are half off .
Dr. Birx .
What is your Task Force doing to get rid of the coronavirus ?
We ’ re going to have social distancing for the next 8 months .
Everyone will be 6 feet apart .
Also , face masks must be worn indefinitely at grocery stores , restaurants , hair @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
What if I want to rob a bank ?
You need to wear a face mask .
I won ’ t wear one .
It makes me look like I care about the virus instead of the economy .
People need to go back to work .
Meat packers especially , so I can have McDonald ’ s cheeseburgers and KFC chicken .
Meat packing plants are essential .
I agree .
Furloughed myself so I can watch Fox News .
Virus out of Wuhan lab , Dr. Fauci is a dictator @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Brilliant minds .
Brilliant minds .
Okay .
Coronavirus was from a fortune cookie at Panda Express .
A 500 pound bat hanging upside down in a cave somewhere in Wisconsin .
Mr. Vice President .
This question is for you .
Why is working at McDonald ’ s like being an archeologist in Athens ?
You end up smelling like ancient grease .
( laughs ) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA .
I ’ m going to steal that joke for a sequel to Pee-wee ’ s Playhouse .
Veep @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that works in the White House .
( laughs ) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews members of the newly formed Coronavirus Task Force.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. I have in studio members of the newly formed Coronavirus Task Force. They are President Donald Trump, Vice President Mike Pence, Dr. Deborah Birx and comedian Pee-wee Herman.
PEE-WEE HERMAN
(laughs) We’re 6 feet apart. HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA.
JERRY
President Donald Trump.
DONALD TRUMP
No collusion. No obstruction. Fake news.
JERRY
Vice President Mike Pence.
MIKE PENCE
Let me quote the Bible. “And Balaam rose up in the morning and saddled his ass.”
TRUMP
Sounds like the day after a wild night at Mar-a-Lago.
DR. DEBORAH BIRX
We need to quarantine Balaam for 14 days. He tested positive for coronavirus.
JERRY
Lots there to digest. But let’s start with testing. There are not enough tests to reopen the entire economy.
TRUMP
Not everybody needs to be tested. Waste of money. Waste of money. The coronavirus will disappear.
PENCE
No, Mr. President. We need testing. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools.
TRUMP
Good point. Love my Veep. Love my Veep.
BIRX
We can use thermometers.
JERRY
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
BIRX
The taste.
HERMAN
(laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA.
JERRY
Pee-wee. I understand you have an announcement to make.
HERMAN
Yeah. The Pee-wee line of clothing is discounted now in stores. In fact, my pants are half off.
JERRY
Dr. Birx. What is your Task Force doing to get rid of the coronavirus?
BIRX
We’re going to have social distancing for the next 8 months. Everyone will be 6 feet apart. Also, face masks must be worn indefinitely at grocery stores, restaurants, hair salons, nail salons and barber shops.
HERMAN
What if I want to rob a bank?
BIRX
You need to wear a face mask.
TRUMP
I won’t wear one. It makes me look like I care about the virus instead of the economy. People need to go back to work. Meat packers especially, so I can have McDonald’s cheeseburgers and KFC chicken. Meat packing plants are essential.
JERRY
You aren’t, Trumpster.
TRUMP
I agree. Furloughed myself so I can watch Fox News. Virus out of Wuhan lab, Dr. Fauci is a dictator, coronavirus goes away with Lysol injection. Brilliant minds. Brilliant minds.
JERRY
No proof.
TRUMP
Okay. Coronavirus was from a fortune cookie at Panda Express.
JERRY
No.
TRUMP
A 500 pound bat hanging upside down in a cave somewhere in Wisconsin.
BIRX
Mr. Vice President. This question is for you.
PENCE
Sure.
BIRX
Why is working at McDonald’s like being an archeologist in Athens?
PENCE
I don’t know.
BIRX
You end up smelling like ancient grease.
HERMAN
(laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA. I’m going to steal that joke for a sequel to Pee-wee’s Playhouse.
PENCE
Thou shall not steal, Pee-wee.
HERMAN
Veep. I’m not the one that works in the White House. (laughs) HA HA ha HAAAAAA ha HAHAHAHA.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-05-14--Trump Blasts into a New Frontier… for War

President Donald Trump is on a mission to turn science fiction into a “ new frontier ” of official military policy .
Bring on Captain Kirk , Spock and the whole intrepid “ Star Trek ” cast .
And while you ’ re at it , toss in some “ Dr .
Strangelove , ” for President Donald Trump is on a mission to turn science fiction into official military policy .
Or is it the reverse ?
Either way , he ’ s casting himself as a cosmic warrior with a heroic vision of a new frontier — turning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as he put it , “ the world ’ s new war-fighting domain.
” How fantastic is that ?
The 73-year-old , who cravenly got his rich daddy to help him dodge actual war during the Vietnam era , is now demanding that the Pentagon , Congress and we taxpayers set up yet another military bureaucracy for sending future youngsters to war .
In typical Trumpian fashion , he apparently got this idea from TV and then refined it by consulting his top policy expert : his ego .
“ You know , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” he bloviated in March 2018 to a few hundred Marines that the brass had provided as an audience , “ I said , ‘ Maybe we need a new force .
We ’ ll call it the Space Force.
’ And I was not really serious .
And then I said , ‘ What a great idea . '
” The Marines laughed , but the notion of being space warrior in chief gelled in Trump ’ s languid mind .
By June , he declared : “ When it comes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enough to merely have an American presence in space .
We must have American dominance in space.
” Then he puffed himself up like a tin-pot potentate and bellowed , “ I ’ m hereby directing the Department of Defense and Pentagon to immediately begin the process necessary to establish a Space Force as the sixth branch of the armed forces.
” And away we go .
This is really happening .
In Trumplandia , though , appearance matters more than substance .
So first things first : To date , America ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two achievements : 1 .
The Logo .
“ After consultation with our Great Military Leaders , ” the president said , he tweet-revealed the new logo of the “ Magnificent Military.
” Good that our generals are focusing on such core tasks , but the emblem turns out to be… well , a weak knockoff of the fictional Starfleet Command badge .
“ Ahem , ” actual “ Star Trek ” actor George Takei joked , “ We are expecting some royalties.
” Less funny is that Trump ’ s reelection campaign @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a fundraising gimmick .
In 2018 , his political partisans got an email with possible insignia designs to vote for their favorite .
When they clicked on their choice , they were delivered to a page asking for campaign donations .
The Uniform .
Even before it has any official duties or structure , Trump ’ s fledgling Space Force grandly paraded its celestial colors for all the universe to behold .
But , bizarrely , the ensemble was in the old Army camouflage pattern of splattered brown and green — sensible for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ infinity of space ?
If all this seems like silliness from a satirical sitcom , it is .
Recognizing an artistic and commercial goldmine , Netflix has already wrapped up the first season of “ Space Force , ” a 10-episode sitcom about the scramble to construct a far-out military branch .
“ The goal of the new branch , ” the TV promo intones as the theme music from “ 2001 : A Space Odyssey ” swells , is to “ defend satellites from attack and perform other space-related tasks… or something.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ about the very real economic and security issues that exist in the envelope beyond our blue marble ’ s atmosphere .
For one thing , near space is chock-full of satellites that our modern world relies on , not just for GPS directions to a new restaurant but for info on storms , data from bank accounts and health records , access to Wi-Fi networks and even the simple ability to call home .
Moreover , satellites can keep watch for military attacks including those hurled at the 1,000-plus U.S. orbiters .
After @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only national power beyond the stratosphere : Nineteen countries including China , Russia , India and Israel have the technical wherewithal to not only launch satellites but also disrupt , disable and destroy them .
Obviously , we need to pay attention .
But , here ’ s the thing : We already do .
Trump grandiosely gloats at public rallies and private fundraising events that he invented this new frontier Space Force ( if not space itself ! )
, but in fact , the Air Force Space Command has existed since @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spends a whopping $ 14 billion a year on space operations .
In short , there ’ s no need for this thing… except for Trump ’ s political needs .

President Donald Trump is on a mission to turn science fiction into a “new frontier” of official military policy.
Bring on Captain Kirk, Spock and the whole intrepid “Star Trek” cast. And while you’re at it, toss in some “Dr. Strangelove,” for President Donald Trump is on a mission to turn science fiction into official military policy. Or is it the reverse? Either way, he’s casting himself as a cosmic warrior with a heroic vision of a new frontier — turning the spectacular majesty of space into, as he put it, “the world’s new war-fighting domain.” How fantastic is that?
The 73-year-old, who cravenly got his rich daddy to help him dodge actual war during the Vietnam era, is now demanding that the Pentagon, Congress and we taxpayers set up yet another military bureaucracy for sending future youngsters to war. In typical Trumpian fashion, he apparently got this idea from TV and then refined it by consulting his top policy expert: his ego. “You know, I was saying it the other day,” he bloviated in March 2018 to a few hundred Marines that the brass had provided as an audience, “I said, ‘Maybe we need a new force. We’ll call it the Space Force.’ And I was not really serious. And then I said, ‘What a great idea.'”
The Marines laughed, but the notion of being space warrior in chief gelled in Trump’s languid mind. By June, he declared: “When it comes to defending America, it is not enough to merely have an American presence in space. We must have American dominance in space.” Then he puffed himself up like a tin-pot potentate and bellowed, “I’m hereby directing the Department of Defense and Pentagon to immediately begin the process necessary to establish a Space Force as the sixth branch of the armed forces.”
And away we go. This is really happening. In Trumplandia, though, appearance matters more than substance. So first things first: To date, America’s snappy new extraterrestrial warfaring department boasts two achievements:
1. The Logo. “After consultation with our Great Military Leaders,” the president said, he tweet-revealed the new logo of the “Magnificent Military.” Good that our generals are focusing on such core tasks, but the emblem turns out to be… well, a weak knockoff of the fictional Starfleet Command badge. “Ahem,” actual “Star Trek” actor George Takei joked, “We are expecting some royalties.” Less funny is that Trump’s reelection campaign used the official Space Force insignia as a fundraising gimmick. In 2018, his political partisans got an email with possible insignia designs to vote for their favorite. When they clicked on their choice, they were delivered to a page asking for campaign donations.
The Uniform. Even before it has any official duties or structure, Trump’s fledgling Space Force grandly paraded its celestial colors for all the universe to behold. But, bizarrely, the ensemble was in the old Army camouflage pattern of splattered brown and green — sensible for a jungle war… but for patrolling the infinity of space?
If all this seems like silliness from a satirical sitcom, it is. Recognizing an artistic and commercial goldmine, Netflix has already wrapped up the first season of “Space Force,” a 10-episode sitcom about the scramble to construct a far-out military branch. “The goal of the new branch,” the TV promo intones as the theme music from “2001: A Space Odyssey” swells, is to “defend satellites from attack and perform other space-related tasks… or something.”
We do need to be vigilant about the very real economic and security issues that exist in the envelope beyond our blue marble’s atmosphere. For one thing, near space is chock-full of satellites that our modern world relies on, not just for GPS directions to a new restaurant but for info on storms, data from bank accounts and health records, access to Wi-Fi networks and even the simple ability to call home. Moreover, satellites can keep watch for military attacks including those hurled at the 1,000-plus U.S. orbiters. After all, we’re hardly the only national power beyond the stratosphere: Nineteen countries including China, Russia, India and Israel have the technical wherewithal to not only launch satellites but also disrupt, disable and destroy them.
Obviously, we need to pay attention. But, here’s the thing: We already do. Trump grandiosely gloats at public rallies and private fundraising events that he invented this new frontier Space Force (if not space itself!), but in fact, the Air Force Space Command has existed since 1982. Indeed, the Pentagon presently spends a whopping $14 billion a year on space operations. In short, there’s no need for this thing… except for Trump’s political needs.


humortimes--2020-05-15--The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 42-48

The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Pages 42-48

The Jerry Duncan Show , the Play : It ’ s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus , but you can read it all right here !
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
A silhouette of Rudy behind the screen .
( shouts ) They ’ re coming to take me away .
Ha , ha .
They ’ re coming to take me away .
Donald Trump deserves a Nobel Prize , Barack Obama doesn ’ t love America , Michael Avenatti is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my ex-wives suck .
We have a very special guest .
Straight from Bellevue Mental Hospital , it ’ s America ’ s Mayor Rudy Giuliani .
Is he crazy or what ?
Yes , he is .
Rudy ’ s so crazy that when he goes running , he takes the psychopath .
Calm down , Rudster .
I ’ ll be there in a minute .
Jerry goes behind the screen .
Hey man , you actually talk like a cartoon .
Yeah .
It ’ s not an imitation .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Daffy Duck and Sylvester the Cat on Cartoon Network .
Should I call you Daffy , Sylvester or just Looney Tunes ?
Okay .
But just for this interview .
I understand you are an only child .
That your old man served time in Sing Sing prison for assault and robbery .
It was tough growing up .
I dreamt that I was a monster destroying the prison to set my father free .
Your dream came true .
You , my man are a monster .
No .
Any tree you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Russian falls out .
This is interesting .
You were thinking of becoming a priest after high school in 1961 .
A pretty little girl changed all that .
Aye , Chihuahua !
Rudster .
Do you know why Santa is so jolly ?
Because he knows where all the bad girls live .
Oh boy .
I think I ’ ll skip my meds and stir shit up a bit .
You graduated from law school .
As a registered Democrat , you volunteered on Bobby Kennedy ’ s presidential campaign in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ McGovern when he ran for president in ’ 72 .
But while I worked in the Justice Department , I became a Republican .
I ’ ll never forget what Ronald Reagan said .
“ Recession is when your neighbor loses his job .
Depression is when you lose yours .
And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.
” You wanted to be the host of The Real Housewives of Section 8 .
That didn ’ t work out either .
Then came your big break .
Donald Trump ran for president @ @ @ @ @ @ @ long way .
I ’ m the only friend he can buy .
You warmed up the crowds during Trump ’ s presidential campaign rallies .
Sometimes you went off the rails by making fun of immigrants and minorities .
( imitates Sylvester the Cat ) “ I ’ m safe in the knowledge that I ’ ll never get put in the nut house again , because my doctor says that I ’ ll be a bad influence on the rest of the patients.
” The earth is flat , the South @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Depend .
Oh man .
I got ta get the Rudster in a straight jacket and back to Bellevue .
See you tomorrow everyone .
A paramedic is seen hauling Rudy away from behind the screen .
Jerry comes out from behind the screen .
Maggie enters .
You must be stressed .
You have no idea .
I ’ m so glad you ’ re here .
No .
And you have nothing to do with my problem .
How do you know ?
That ’ s right .
You can read @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because you have a small penis .
Yes , Dr. Ruth .
My penis is so small that I can put it through a cheerio without breaking it .
Did I inherit this little dong from dad ?
No .
Actually it was from my father .
Oh great .
I have my mother ’ s father ’ s pecker .
My mother said his penis was so small , she named it “ munchkin.
” Sometimes she called it “ pinky.
” Try those enlargement pills they advertise on TV .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are today .
Thank you , mother .
Now get out of here while I ’ m lucid .
You ’ re so cute when you get upset .
That ’ s because I ’ m always upset .
Now excuse me .
I have a call to make .
A silhouette of a girl is seen behind the screen .
Jerry picks up his cell phone .
It rings .
Girl answers her phone .
Who is this ?
I don ’ t know any Jerry .
Jerry who ?
How did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the mens room at the Main Street library .
Hear me out .
Your name and phone number was written on the stall .
It said , “ For a good time call Susan.
” ( catches her breath ) This is disgusting .
I ’ m not going to listen .
Please .
I just want to know if you ’ d like to meet for coffee sometime ?
How do I know you ’ re not a sociopath ?
You ever heard The Jerry Duncan Show ?
( worried ) @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your name is Jerry Duncan ?
Am I on the radio right now ?
!
I think she likes you .
Sorry .
It ’ s my mother .
She ’ s annoying and won ’ t leave me alone .
And she ’ s dead .
You got my name on a disgusting bathroom wall .
You call to torment me .
And your mother ’ s dead , but she ’ s talking to you .
You know , Jerry .
We don ’ t have anything in common .
What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phone slamming followed by a dial tone .
No .
Because my shrink told me I was crazy and now I believe it .
It wasn ’ t meant to be .
Her loss .
I said to him that I wanted a second opinion .
He said okay , you ’ re ugly , too .
Jerry .
You have a face only a mother could love .

The Jerry Duncan Show, the Play: It’s NYC run may have been cut short due to the coronavirus, but you can read it all right here!
Scene 2 Radio Station
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
A silhouette of Rudy behind the screen.
RUDY GIULIANI
(shouts) They’re coming to take me away. Ha, ha. They’re coming to take me away. Donald Trump deserves a Nobel Prize, Barack Obama doesn’t love America, Michael Avenatti is a pimp, the Red Sox and my ex-wives suck.
The intern hands Jerry a microphone.
JERRY
We have a very special guest. Straight from Bellevue Mental Hospital, it’s America’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani. Is he crazy or what?
INTERN
Yes, he is. Rudy’s so crazy that when he goes running, he takes the psychopath.
RUDY
(imitates Daffy Duck) “Suffering succatash.”
JERRY
Calm down, Rudster. I’ll be there in a minute.
The intern playfully slaps Jerry’s cheeks.
JERRY
I’m pumped.
Jerry goes behind the screen.
JERRY
Hey man, you actually talk like a cartoon.
RUDY
Yeah. It’s not an imitation. I’m the new voice for Daffy Duck and Sylvester the Cat on Cartoon Network.
JERRY
Should I call you Daffy, Sylvester or just Looney Tunes?
RUDY
How about Rudy?
JERRY
Okay. But just for this interview.
JERRY
I understand you are an only child. That your old man served time in Sing Sing prison for assault and robbery.
RUDY
It was tough growing up. I dreamt that I was a monster destroying the prison to set my father free.
JERRY
Your dream came true. You, my man are a monster.
RUDY
Are you finished?
JERRY
No. Any tree you shake in the Trump investigation, a Russian falls out.
JERRY
This is interesting. You were thinking of becoming a priest after high school in 1961.
RUDY
A pretty little girl changed all that. Aye, Chihuahua!
JERRY
Rudster. Do you know why Santa is so jolly?
RUDY
Can’t say I do.
JERRY
Because he knows where all the bad girls live.
RUDY
Oh boy. I think I’ll skip my meds and stir shit up a bit.
JERRY
You graduated from law school. As a registered Democrat, you volunteered on Bobby Kennedy’s presidential campaign in 1968. Even voted for Senator George McGovern when he ran for president in ’72.
RUDY
But while I worked in the Justice Department, I became a Republican. I’ll never forget what Ronald Reagan said. “Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”
JERRY
Oh. That hurts.
JERRY
You wanted to be the host of The Real Housewives of Section 8. That didn’t work out either.
JERRY
Then came your big break. Donald Trump ran for president in 2016.
RUDY
We go back a long way. I’m the only friend he can buy.
JERRY
You warmed up the crowds during Trump’s presidential campaign rallies. Sometimes you went off the rails by making fun of immigrants and minorities.
RUDY
(imitates Sylvester the Cat) “I’m safe in the knowledge that I’ll never get put in the nut house again, because my doctor says that I’ll be a bad influence on the rest of the patients.” The earth is flat, the South shall rise again, Chuck Grassley wears Depend.
JERRY
Oh man. I gotta get the Rudster in a straight jacket and back to Bellevue. See you tomorrow everyone.
A paramedic is seen hauling Rudy away from behind the screen. Jerry comes out from behind the screen. Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
You must be stressed.
JERRY
You have no idea. I’m so glad you’re here.
MAGGIE
Really?
JERRY
No. And you have nothing to do with my problem.
MAGGIE
I know.
JERRY
How do you know? That’s right. You can read my mind.
MAGGIE
You’re scared because you have a small penis.
JERRY
Yes, Dr. Ruth. My penis is so small that I can put it through a cheerio without breaking it. Did I inherit this little dong from dad?
MAGGIE
No. Actually it was from my father.
JERRY
Oh great. I have my mother’s father’s pecker.
MAGGIE
My mother said his penis was so small, she named it “munchkin.” Sometimes she called it “pinky.”
MAGGIE
Try those enlargement pills they advertise on TV. You’ll be twice the dick you are today.
JERRY
Thank you, mother. Now get out of here while I’m lucid.
MAGGIE
You’re so cute when you get upset.
JERRY
That’s because I’m always upset. Now excuse me. I have a call to make.
A silhouette of a girl is seen behind the screen. Jerry picks up his cell phone. It rings. Girl answers her phone.
GIRLS VOICE
Hello?
JERRY
Is this Susan?
GIRLS VOICE
Who is this?
JERRY
It’s Jerry.
GIRLS VOICE
I don’t know any Jerry. Jerry who? How did you get my number?
JERRY
I was in the mens room at the Main Street library.
GIRLS VOICE
What?!
JERRY
Hear me out. Your name and phone number was written on the stall. It said, “For a good time call Susan.”
GIRLS VOICE
(catches her breath) This is disgusting. I’m not going to listen.
JERRY
Please. I just want to know if you’d like to meet for coffee sometime?
GIRLS VOICE
How do I know you’re not a sociopath?
JERRY
You ever heard The Jerry Duncan Show?
GIRLS VOICE
(worried) No. Wait. Did you say your name is Jerry Duncan? Am I on the radio right now?!
MAGGIE
I think she likes you.
Jerry raises his voice to Maggie.
JERRY
I’m talking.
GIRLS VOICE
What’s going on?
JERRY
Sorry. It’s my mother. She’s annoying and won’t leave me alone. And she’s dead.
GIRLS VOICE
What? Dead?
JERRY
Yes.
GIRLS VOICE
You got my name on a disgusting bathroom wall. You call to torment me. And your mother’s dead, but she’s talking to you.
GIRLS VOICE
You know, Jerry. We don’t have anything in common.
JERRY
What do you mean?
GIRLS VOIVE
I’m pathetic, but you’re fuckin crazy.
Sound of the phone slamming followed by a dial tone.
MAGGIE
You have a date?
JERRY
No. Because my shrink told me I was crazy and now I believe it.
MAGGIE
It wasn’t meant to be. Her loss.
JERRY
I said to him that I wanted a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly, too.
MAGGIE
Jerry. You have a face only a mother could love.
JERRY
That’s my problem.
TO BE CONTINUED…
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-05-16--Investigation: Why was Global Pandemic Named After Mexican Beer?

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Slobovian Peoples Independent Quasi-Republic president Irk Krudhbo has demanded that the United Nations investigate why the Global Pandemic known as the “ Corona Virus ” was named after the best-selling Mexican beer .
Mr.Krudhbo hinted at collusion .
He stated that there is a question as to an exchange of monies between the brewers of Corona Beer and the World Health Organization .
Mr.Krudhbo stated , “ I want to know why this disease could not have been called @ @ @ @ @ @ @ High Life Virus or the Pabst Blue Ribbon Virus.
” He also stated that the best-selling Slobovian beers Pukkke and Rhatzpisse would have been interested in bidding for the virus branding .
Mr.Krudhbo stated that there has been a protest movement in Slobovia against the so called Corona Virus .
“ The people of Slobovia refuse to recognize this farce and therefore there have been no reported cases of this socalled beer virus , ” he stated .
He said that there have been several thousand deaths in Slobovia from the Unknown Comic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Balboa Flu .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Slobovian President hints at collusion in viral Mexican beer scandal.
Part of the series, Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)
Slobovian Peoples Independent Quasi-Republic president Irk Krudhbo has demanded that the United Nations investigate why the Global Pandemic known as the “Corona Virus” was named after the best-selling Mexican beer.
Mr.Krudhbo hinted at collusion. He stated that there is a question as to an exchange of monies between the brewers of Corona Beer and the World Health Organization.
Mr.Krudhbo stated, “I want to know why this disease could not have been called the Bud Light Virus or the Miller High Life Virus or the Pabst Blue Ribbon Virus.”
He also stated that the best-selling Slobovian beers Pukkke and Rhatzpisse would have been interested in bidding for the virus branding.
Mr.Krudhbo stated that there has been a protest movement in Slobovia against the so called Corona Virus.
“The people of Slobovia refuse to recognize this farce and therefore there have been no reported cases of this socalled beer virus,” he stated.
He said that there have been several thousand deaths in Slobovia from the Unknown Comic Virus and thousands more from the Baileys of Balboa Flu.


humortimes--2020-05-16--The Sum of All Fears

The Sum of All Fears

A guide to all the pre-existing and new phobias the coronavirus has exacerbated : The Sum of All Fears .
We all have fears .
Some of us are afraid of heights while others are scared of spiders or snakes or sharks .
Everyone is afraid of something and sometimes the fear is so pronounced that it becomes a phobia .
We all had plenty to fret about before , then along came this scary coronavirus .
Fortunately , in times of crisis world leaders have often found calming words to ease the worry as when : • FDR told @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fear but fear itself ” or when , • During the Second World War , British leaders advised people to “ keep calm and carry on ” or more recently when , • President Trump declared “ we ’ re doing a great job .
It will go away .
Just stay calm .
It will go away.
” Despite Trump ’ s reassurance , the coronavirus is stressful , especially for people who were already suffering from Virophobia , the fear of viruses .
But it is also hard on individuals who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of false statements , although they can get some relief by turning off Fox News .
Due to the stay at home protocol , our current crisis must also be difficult for individuals who are combatting Isolophobia , the fear of being alone or Ecophobia , the fear of their own home .
The stress must be overwhelming .
However , the most traumatized are probably those afflicted with Masklophobia , the anxiety caused by seeing people in masks or costumes ( it ’ s a real thing ) .
And they thought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ goes out to those stricken with Obesophobia , which is the fear of gaining weight .
Due to the pandemic , they are trapped in their homes , unable to go to the gym and are never more than 30 feet from the refrigerator .
Often times their plight is amplified by a trapped spouse who has developed a compulsive cake baking disorder ( CCBD ) and feels the need to constantly bake cakes which demand to be eaten .
No , your house isn ’ t getting smaller .
You ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ these pre-existing phobias , but the pandemic has also brought on a number of new terrors .
In the past few months the nation has been gripped by a no-toilet-paper-phobia as well as a Netflix-a-phobia which is the fear that you will lose your Netflix connection and will have to actually talk to your spouse .
And , while the fear of drinking alcohol , Methyphobia , is nothing new , especially among certain religious groups , the fear that liquor stores will no longer be considered essential services is causing widespread panic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ depressing , don ’ t worry , there is some good news .
There are a number of phobias that , due to the pandemic , no longer cause much anxiety .
A good example is Sociophobia which is the fear of social situations .
People with this condition can stop worrying because there are no more social situations .
We introverts are shouting Hallelujah !
Other terrors that are abating due to the advent of the coronavirus include : • Agoraphobia – the fear of leaving one ’ s home or being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has ceased to be a problem as we aren ’ t supposed to even go outside or be in a crowd of more than ten people .
We have to shelter in place inside our homes .
• Abutophobia – the fear of bathing and showering .
You don ’ t need to bathe anymore because of the elimination of social situations as noted above .
But if your aversion to washing includes not washing your hands , you are probably screwed .
• Aerophobia – the fear of flying which has gotten @ @ @ @ @ @ @ news is we don ’ t have to do it anymore .
No one is doing it and , • Autodysomophobia – the fear of people with a vile body odor .
We Pig-Pens are still out there and in growing numbers since so few of us are now bathing .
However , since you aren ’ t allowed to get within six feet of us you ’ ll never notice .
Also the dreaded Kinemortophobia , the fear of zombies , will probably soon vanish as the coronavirus will , no doubt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ past .
These guys don ’ t wear masks , don ’ t practice social distancing , and being undead must really take a toll on their immune systems .
We are living in very scary times .
But scientists will soon develop a coronavirus vaccine and then , with the exception of those with Vaccinophobia , we will be safe .
As for the sum of all the other fears , don ’ t fret over them , instead sit back , relax and remember the immortal words of Alfred E. Newman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Stay safe .
Don ’ t be like the zombies .
Wear a mask and practice social distancing .
And for God ’ s sake , take a shower .

A guide to all the pre-existing and new phobias the coronavirus has exacerbated: The Sum of All Fears.
We all have fears. Some of us are afraid of heights while others are scared of spiders or snakes or sharks. Everyone is afraid of something and sometimes the fear is so pronounced that it becomes a phobia. We all had plenty to fret about before, then along came this scary coronavirus.
Fortunately, in times of crisis world leaders have often found calming words to ease the worry as when:
FDR told the nation “there is nothing to fear but fear itself” or when,
During the Second World War, British leaders advised people to “keep calm and carry on” or more recently when,
President Trump declared “we’re doing a great job. It will go away. Just stay calm. It will go away.”
Despite Trump’s reassurance, the coronavirus is stressful, especially for people who were already suffering from Virophobia, the fear of viruses. But it is also hard on individuals who are coping with Mythophobia, the fear of false statements, although they can get some relief by turning off Fox News.
Due to the stay at home protocol, our current crisis must also be difficult for individuals who are combatting Isolophobia, the fear of being alone or Ecophobia, the fear of their own home. The stress must be overwhelming. However, the most traumatized are probably those afflicted with Masklophobia, the anxiety caused by seeing people in masks or costumes (it’s a real thing). And they thought HALLOWEEN was creepy!
My heart really goes out to those stricken with Obesophobia, which is the fear of gaining weight. Due to the pandemic, they are trapped in their homes, unable to go to the gym and are never more than 30 feet from the refrigerator. Often times their plight is amplified by a trapped spouse who has developed a compulsive cake baking disorder (CCBD) and feels the need to constantly bake cakes which demand to be eaten. No, your house isn’t getting smaller. You’re getting larger.
The coronavirus has exacerbated these pre-existing phobias, but the pandemic has also brought on a number of new terrors. In the past few months the nation has been gripped by a no-toilet-paper-phobia as well as a Netflix-a-phobia which is the fear that you will lose your Netflix connection and will have to actually talk to your spouse. And, while the fear of drinking alcohol, Methyphobia, is nothing new, especially among certain religious groups, the fear that liquor stores will no longer be considered essential services is causing widespread panic.
If you find all of this depressing, don’t worry, there is some good news. There are a number of phobias that, due to the pandemic, no longer cause much anxiety. A good example is Sociophobia which is the fear of social situations. People with this condition can stop worrying because there are no more social situations. We introverts are shouting Hallelujah!
Other terrors that are abating due to the advent of the coronavirus include:
Agoraphobia – the fear of leaving one’s home or being in open or crowded places. This has ceased to be a problem as we aren’t supposed to even go outside or be in a crowd of more than ten people. We have to shelter in place inside our homes.
Abutophobia – the fear of bathing and showering. You don’t need to bathe anymore because of the elimination of social situations as noted above. But if your aversion to washing includes not washing your hands, you are probably screwed.
Aerophobia – the fear of flying which has gotten even scarier lately. But the good news is we don’t have to do it anymore. No one is doing it and,
Autodysomophobia – the fear of people with a vile body odor. We Pig-Pens are still out there and in growing numbers since so few of us are now bathing. However, since you aren’t allowed to get within six feet of us you’ll never notice.
Also the dreaded Kinemortophobia, the fear of zombies, will probably soon vanish as the coronavirus will, no doubt, make zombies a thing of the past. These guys don’t wear masks, don’t practice social distancing, and being undead must really take a toll on their immune systems.
We are living in very scary times. But scientists will soon develop a coronavirus vaccine and then, with the exception of those with Vaccinophobia, we will be safe. As for the sum of all the other fears, don’t fret over them, instead sit back, relax and remember the immortal words of Alfred E. Newman “What, me worry?”
Stay safe. Don’t be like the zombies. Wear a mask and practice social distancing. And for God’s sake, take a shower.


humortimes--2020-05-16--Wishful Thinking & Satire in the Covid Era: Trump Gets Bad News

Trump gets bad news , despite his wishful thinking .
GROUPTHINK : Where the First Amendment & Comedic License meet !
No , you ’ re wrong – that must be Melania ’ s .
You mean you ’ d rather it is Melania ’ s ?
No , this is yours – I walked this to the Lab myself .
I think this Writer just wants me to suffer .
BTW , another one who ’ ll never make it .
Let me take your Vitals – take off your Makeup .
I ’ m fine , all I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll give it to your caddy !
Well , you ’ ll give it to Melania !
Here ’ s your chance – you can start telling the truth .
It could win you votes .
No .
I don ’ t want to give Marilyn Sands the satisfaction – she ’ ll get the Nobel Prize before me !
Look , Covid would probably kill you first – but the history books would be kind to you .
You mean then Pence would be it ?
Poor Mike – I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like Marilyn Sands got 2 Birds with one…

Trump gets bad news, despite his wishful thinking.
GROUPTHINK: Where the First Amendment & Comedic License meet!
DOC
Donald, you’re Positive.
DONALD TRUMP
You bet – I’m a Cheerleader!
DOC
No Donald, you’re Positive!
TRUMP
No, you’re wrong – that must be Melania’s.
DOC
You mean you’d rather it is Melania’s?
TRUMP
Well, yes.
DOC
No, this is yours – I walked this to the Lab myself.
TRUMP
I think this Writer just wants me to suffer. BTW, another one who’ll never make it.
DOC
Let me take your Vitals – take off your Makeup.
TRUMP
I’m fine, all I need is to play golf.
DOC
You’ll give it to your caddy!
TRUMP
Who cares.
DOC
Well, you’ll give it to Melania!
TRUMP
Pfft – I’ve given her worse!
DOC
Here’s your chance – you can start telling the truth. It could win you votes.
TRUMP
No. I don’t want to give Marilyn Sands the satisfaction – she’ll get the Nobel Prize before me!
DOC
Look, Covid would probably kill you first – but the history books would be kind to you.
TRUMP
You mean then Pence would be it?
DOC
Afraid not – Pelosi! Remember the Mayo Clinic?
TRUMP
I like Hellman’s!
DOC
Poor Mike – I’ll be telling him next. Looks like Marilyn Sands got 2 Birds with one…
TRUMP
Mind if I tweet that?


humortimes--2020-05-17--‘Dr. Seuss Prophecies’ Revealed for First Time

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
A brand-new and never-before-seen compilation of Dr. Seuss poetry and prose , “ The Dr. Seuss Prophecies , ” has recently been unearthed by well-known literary detective Noah “ Scoop ” Hunter .
The investigative journalist , who had spent years tracking the collection down , finally located it lodged deeply between a rock and a hard place on Mulberry Street in Seuss ’ s whometown of Whoville .
Excerpts from some of the most uncanny predictions in this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Do you dump upon the chumps ?
” “ I do , I do , I ’ m Trump the Grump !
I like to dump and thump and hump !
” “ And what of Pence upon the fence ?
Will he commence his ignorance And do a dance to all your rants ?
” “ He will , he will , yes he will jump !
Until he falls upon his rump Into the clump of all my chumps .
They do , they do , I ’ m Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t think , We didn ’ t mind , The more on TV , the more he whined .
We couldn ’ t look , We didn ’ t like , But still we chose a crazy psyche .
You panic , Ironic , We all manic for moronic !
You Have Feet in Your Mouth You have feet in your mouth , You have shit in your head , And you always say you didn ’ t say what you said .
All alone , on your own in Unreality , You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the hell you will be .
How Did We Get So Mean and Cruel ?
How did we get so mean and cruel , When hatefulness has won it ’ s duel ?
An evil tool that demons rule , Who ’ ll you ’ ll renewal if you ’ re a fool .
How did we get so mean and cruel ?
Fat cat in the hat , What fun he will bring , While slinging his mud Around the West Wing !
Fat cat in the hat , In heat and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then calls it “ Great !
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Newly discovered Dr. Seuss prophecies: chillingly accurate.
A brand-new and never-before-seen compilation of Dr. Seuss poetry and prose, “The Dr. Seuss Prophecies,” has recently been unearthed by well-known literary detective Noah “Scoop” Hunter.
The investigative journalist, who had spent years tracking the collection down, finally located it lodged deeply between a rock and a hard place on Mulberry Street in Seuss’s whometown of Whoville. Excerpts from some of the most uncanny predictions in this remarkable poetic anthology are given below.
Trump the Grump
“Do you dump upon the chumps?”
“I do, I do, I’m Trump the Grump!
I like to dump and thump and hump!”
“And what of Pence upon the fence?
Will he commence his ignorance
And do a dance to all your rants?”
“He will, he will, yes he will jump!
Until he falls upon his rump
Into the clump of all my chumps.
They do, they do, I’m Trump the Grump!”
We Didn’t Think
We didn’t think,
We didn’t mind,
The more on TV, the more he whined.
We couldn’t look,
We didn’t like,
But still we chose a crazy psyche.
You panic,
Ironic,
We all manic for moronic!
You Have Feet in Your Mouth
You have feet in your mouth,
You have shit in your head,
And you always say you didn’t say what you said.
All alone, on your own in
Unreality,
You’re the one who decides where the hell you will be.
How Did We Get So Mean and Cruel?
How did we get so mean and cruel,
When hatefulness has won it’s duel?
An evil tool that demons rule,
Who’ll you’ll renewal if you’re a fool.
How did we get so mean and cruel?
Fat Cat in the Hat
Fat cat in the hat,
What fun he will bring,
While slinging his mud
Around the West Wing!
Fat cat in the hat,
In heat and in hate,
F**ks everything up
And then calls it “Great!”


humortimes--2020-05-18--Michigan Protesters Take Aim at McDonald’s, Demand Return of McRib

Buoyed by support from the president , Michigan protesters have demanded the fast food giant to bring back the beloved menu item permanently .
After demonstrating against Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer ’ s stay-at-home orders , protesters in Lansing , Michigan — some of them armed with assault weapons — on Friday moved from the state ’ s capitol building to a nearby McDonald ’ s to demand the permanent return of the McRib .
When asked about the sudden shift in focus , one protester , armed with an AR-15 , said , “ This is all about freedom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ choose , freedom to spread that virus to any loved one we choose , and most importantly , freedom to pack our arteries with any questionable pork product we choose .
And I swear , this has nothing to do with the fact it ’ s nearly lunchtime.
” The iconic pork sandwich has retained a cult following despite infrequent appearances on the McDonald ’ s menu .
Speaking to us over the phone , a spokesperson for the company commented on the events , stating , “ While we are more than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their chance at a healthy life , we will not be bullied into changing our menu .
I mean , c ’ mon .
We gave them breakfast !
We gave them the Shamrock Shake !
Wasn ’ t that enough ?
” President Trump meanwhile has voiced support for the demonstrators , saying in a series of tweets , “ The McRib , it ’ s fabulous .
It ’ s the great American sandwich , maybe the greatest ever made .
Now if only Sleepy Joe and Crooked Hillary would let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
” It ’ s unclear what role Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton play in offering the McRib ; however Laura Ingraham of Fox News has accused both of having ties to McDonald ’ s competitors , going so far as to dub them “ The Burger King and Wendy.
” We have also reached out to Michigan ’ s governor for comment .
According to her office , Governor Whitmer , previously the target of the protests , was relieved to hear the protesters had moved on from the capitol building .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ press conference , the governor said simply , “ I ’ m lovin ’ it.
” ( McDonald ’ s has not yet stated whether it will bring a lawsuit against the governor for copyright infringement . )
This story is still developing , as are Michigan protesters waist lines .

Buoyed by support from the president, Michigan protesters have demanded the fast food giant to bring back the beloved menu item permanently.
After demonstrating against Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer’s stay-at-home orders, protesters in Lansing, Michigan — some of them armed with assault weapons — on Friday moved from the state’s capitol building to a nearby McDonald’s to demand the permanent return of the McRib.
When asked about the sudden shift in focus, one protester, armed with an AR-15, said, “This is all about freedom: freedom to have any virus we choose, freedom to spread that virus to any loved one we choose, and most importantly, freedom to pack our arteries with any questionable pork product we choose. And I swear, this has nothing to do with the fact it’s nearly lunchtime.”
The iconic pork sandwich has retained a cult following despite infrequent appearances on the McDonald’s menu. Speaking to us over the phone, a spokesperson for the company commented on the events, stating, “While we are more than willing to take Americans’ money and their chance at a healthy life, we will not be bullied into changing our menu. I mean, c’mon. We gave them breakfast! We gave them the Shamrock Shake! Wasn’t that enough?”
President Trump meanwhile has voiced support for the demonstrators, saying in a series of tweets, “The McRib, it’s fabulous. It’s the great American sandwich, maybe the greatest ever made. Now if only Sleepy Joe and Crooked Hillary would let the American people have what they want!” It’s unclear what role Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton play in offering the McRib; however Laura Ingraham of Fox News has accused both of having ties to McDonald’s competitors, going so far as to dub them “The Burger King and Wendy.”
We have also reached out to Michigan’s governor for comment. According to her office, Governor Whitmer, previously the target of the protests, was relieved to hear the protesters had moved on from the capitol building. When asked about it later in a press conference, the governor said simply, “I’m lovin’ it.” (McDonald’s has not yet stated whether it will bring a lawsuit against the governor for copyright infringement.)
This story is still developing, as are Michigan protesters waist lines.


humortimes--2020-05-18--Why Trump & Other Men Won’t Wear One

Why Trump & Other Men Won’t Wear One

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It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

‘Getting it on’ means different things to different people… even in the White House!
MELANIA
Hon, you have to wear one!
DONALD
You know I don’t like to.
MELANIA
Goggles won’t do, Donald!
DONALD
I don’t see it for myself.
MELANIA
Comes in all colors – you love colors. Why not a Black one?
DONALD
Are you kidding me?
DONALD
I don’t know when to put it on!
MELANIA
Ask Pence – he’ll even show you the first time.
DONALD
It would look ridiculous.
MELANIA
No Kings, Queens, Dictators gonna see us – can they?
DONALD
Shh… Lincoln’s eye is moving!
DONALD
Wearing one would project weakness.
MELANIA
Okay, this time you be on top.
DONALD
I can’t feel anything.
MELANIA
Maybe it’s too small.
DONALD
They’re all too small!
MELANIA
Go by Hat size.
DONALD
Not Slovania hats!
DONALD
Well, it slips off.
MELANIA
Make up your mind – too tight or too loose?
DONALD
Stormy didn’t compla…
MELANIA
Pfft… she was too busy counting stomach rolls!
DONALD
And, it’s so noisy!
MELANIA
Noisy?
DONALD
Yeah, when my nose & mouth are covered – everything is louder!
DONALD
Uh oh! Get on that beautiful Resolute Desk, woman…I’ve met the moment & I’m about to prevail!
MELANIA
Ah well… BE BEST!
DONALD
Wait! Did you get your 1,200?
MELANIA
No.
DONALD
Done!


humortimes--2020-05-19--Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/18/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/18/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ payments will all have to be made in one-dollar bills .
Are you ready for the Murder Hornets ?
And , what ’ s Trump going do about the them , tell people to get injected with Raid and drink insect repellent ?
Lamborghini to showcase a new car because of the coronavirus It goes from zero to never leaving your garage in no seconds flat .
So , if Cage plays Exotic , he ’ ll have to turn down the crazy from just being himself .
It ’ s starting to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jussie Smollett… COSTCO limiting how much meat you can buy as food shortage looms So instead of dinner for 137 you can now only buy enough for dinner for 84 .
Fauci : No scientific evidence the coronavirus was made in a Chinese lab … speaking of ‘ Made in China ’ anyone seen Ivanka ?
Looking forward to The Bachelor : Utah ’ where the Bachelor just gives everyone a rose in the first episode and then marries all the women contestants .
He still hasn ’ t found what he ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to look !
Miller ’ s not worried .
The only things that can kill him are garlic , sunlight and piñatas .
Ok , I can ’ t be only one who thinks ‘ Transition to Greatness ’ sounds less like a campaign slogan and more like a reality show for Caitlyn Jenner .
In real time he was in it for less time than what amounted to “ one and half Scaramuccis.
” “ It ’ s no different than a swimsuit ” : Jessie James Decker defends wearing her underwear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ explains all those Amazon deliveries showing up when she didn ’ t order anything .
New poll finds 29 % of Americans believe a vaccine already exists to prevent COVID-19 These are the same people who believe you can ’ t put on weight if you eat off someone else ’ s plate…

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Judge rules strip club workers qualify for PPP payment
… but the payments will all have to be made in one-dollar bills.
Are you ready for the Murder Hornets?
And, what’s Trump going do about the them, tell people to get injected with Raid and drink insect repellent?
Lamborghini to showcase a new car because of the coronavirus
It goes from zero to never leaving your garage in no seconds flat.
Nicholas Cage slated to play Joe Exotic in ‘Tiger King’ flick
So, if Cage plays Exotic, he’ll have to turn down the crazy from just being himself.
Evidence casts doubt on Tara Reade’s sexual assault allegations of Joe Biden
It’s starting to look like Tara Reade is Russian for Jussie Smollett…
COSTCO limiting how much meat you can buy as food shortage looms
So instead of dinner for 137 you can now only buy enough for dinner for 84.
Fauci: No scientific evidence the coronavirus was made in a Chinese lab
… speaking of ‘Made in China’ anyone seen Ivanka?
Bigamy no longer a felony in Utah
Looking forward to The Bachelor: Utah’ where the Bachelor just gives everyone a rose in the first episode and then marries all the women contestants.
Happy 60th birthday, Bono
He still hasn’t found what he’s looking for… but now needs bifocals to look!
Pence press secretary and Stephen Miller’s wife, Katie Miller, tested positive for coronavirus
Miller’s not worried. The only things that can kill him are garlic, sunlight and piñatas.
New Trump slogan: ‘Transition to Greatness’
Ok, I can’t be only one who thinks ‘Transition to Greatness’ sounds less like a campaign slogan and more like a reality show for Caitlyn Jenner.
Michigan Congressman Justin Amash drops out of Prez race
In real time he was in it for less time than what amounted to “one and half Scaramuccis.”
“It’s no different than a swimsuit”: Jessie James Decker defends wearing her underwear in front of her kids
it also explains all those Amazon deliveries showing up when she didn’t order anything.
New poll finds 29% of Americans believe a vaccine already exists to prevent COVID-19
These are the same people who believe you can’t put on weight if you eat off someone else’s plate…


humortimes--2020-05-21--Google Threatens to Ban the Humor Times App!

Ban the Humor Times app ?
You might as well ban political satire altogether !
Google is threatening to ban the Humor Times app , The News in Cartoons , from their Google Store .
In email warnings to the Humor Times , they cite their “ Hate Speech policy , ” which reads : “ We don ’ t allow apps that promote violence , or incite hatred against individuals or groups based on race or ethnic origin , religion , disability , age , nationality , veteran status , sexual orientation , gender , gender identity , or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ systemic discrimination or marginalization.
” Now , as anyone who ’ s ever looked at our simple Android app ( not yet available for iPads or iPhones ) could tell you , there ’ s not an ounce of hatred in it directed against any such groups or individuals , and we do the exact opposite of “ promoting violence ” – that is , we promote debate , discussion and voting .
Of course , there IS plenty of pointed political satire – as there is in this publication – but that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it ’ s protected free speech !
If our app content deserves to be banned , then newspapers should cease printing editorial cartoons , TV hosts should stop delivering their satirical monologues every night , and half of the content Google allows on its YouTube site should be taken down !
We have appealed their decision to their “ policy support team , ” and are awaiting a ruling .
If they rule against us , perhaps we should take the case all the way to the Supreme Court .
What do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about this on our website ( humortimes.com ) and leave a comment !
Meanwhile , they ’ ve taken it down from the store , even before reviewing their decision , so unfortunately , you can ’ t get it right now .
Hopefully , they ’ ll reverse their silly decision and put it back up .
We ’ ll keep you posted .
However , you can see some of the previous content we ’ ve had on the app , reproduced here .
If you ’ re a fan of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Times in general , please go to the Google Store ( play.google.com ) and hit the “ question mark ” icon , then “ Send Feedback ” ( or “ Email ” ) , and tell ’ em what you think !
Meanwhile , you may express yourself with comments below .
Thank you !

Ban the Humor Times app? You might as well ban political satire altogether!
Google is threatening to ban the Humor Times app, The News in Cartoons, from their Google Store.
In email warnings to the Humor Times, they cite their “Hate Speech policy,” which reads: “We don’t allow apps that promote violence, or incite hatred against individuals or groups based on race or ethnic origin, religion, disability, age, nationality, veteran status, sexual orientation, gender, gender identity, or any other characteristic that is associated with systemic discrimination or marginalization.”
Now, as anyone who’s ever looked at our simple Android app (not yet available for iPads or iPhones) could tell you, there’s not an ounce of hatred in it directed against any such groups or individuals, and we do the exact opposite of “promoting violence” – that is, we promote debate, discussion and voting. Of course, there IS plenty of pointed political satire – as there is in this publication – but that is something else altogether. In fact, it’s protected free speech!
If our app content deserves to be banned, then newspapers should cease printing editorial cartoons, TV hosts should stop delivering their satirical monologues every night, and half of the content Google allows on its YouTube site should be taken down!
We have appealed their decision to their “policy support team,” and are awaiting a ruling. If they rule against us, perhaps we should take the case all the way to the Supreme Court. What do you think? Go to our post about this on our website (humortimes.com) and leave a comment!
Meanwhile, they’ve taken it down from the store, even before reviewing their decision, so unfortunately, you can’t get it right now. Hopefully, they’ll reverse their silly decision and put it back up. We’ll keep you posted.
However, you can see some of the previous content we’ve had on the app, reproduced here.
If you’re a fan of the app, or just the Humor Times in general, please go to the Google Store (play.google.com) and hit the “question mark” icon, then “Send Feedback” (or “Email”), and tell ’em what you think!
Meanwhile, you may express yourself with comments below. Thank you!


humortimes--2020-05-21--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: The Great Dicktraitor

Dicktraitor Trump continues to lie… in bed with the Russians !
Trump always seems tongue-tied to Russia .
So queasy @ @ @ @ @ go homie .
The Mueller probe : Blocked at every turn by mobstruction .
The @ @ @ @ @ the President crazy !
“ Are we there , Soviet ?
” they kept asking @ @ @ @ @ murder , kill the investigation .
“ Moscow Mitch ” and his Republican “ comrades @ @ @ @ @ patriotism .
To get to the truth follow the testimoney .
Those only interested in @ @ @ @ @ use in an emergency .
Poor economic states are in the red , feeling blue @ @ @ @ @ face bailout rage in the fall .
When asked : “ Which came first , @ @ @ @ @ ?
” you should reply : “ The egg , of course , because it @ @ @ @ @ : “ Who am I ?
Why am I ?
”

Dicktraitor Trump continues to lie… in bed with the Russians!
Putin-Trump, throw out democracy.
Our conclusion lies in collusion.
Trump always seems tongue-tied to Russia.
So queasy got Comey he had to go homie.
The Mueller probe: Blocked at every turn by mobstruction.
The press was about to drive the President crazy! “Are we there, Soviet?” they kept asking.
To get away with murder, kill the investigation.
Obstructionists Barr the truth.
“Moscow Mitch” and his Republican “comrades” have often demonstraitored their patriotism.
Russian collusion: Denied by the Fox News Nyetwork.
To get to the truth follow the testimoney.
Release Trump’s financial wreckards!
Those only interested in helping themselves are of no use in an emergency.
Poor economic states are in the red, feeling blue.
Help the middle-class or face bailout rage in the fall.
Politicians race, voters erase.
When asked: “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?” you should reply: “The egg, of course, because it scrambled!”
I thirst for salivation.
Philosophical amnesia: “Who am I? Why am I?”