humortimes--2020-11-17--Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/17/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/17/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s first world leader to personally speak with President-Elect Biden Canada ’ s got ta be like “ thank God the meth head downstairs is moving out.
” Damn , I didn ’ t realize that many people lived in the White House .
Scientists discovered how to ferment coffee grounds into 80-proof liquor Good thing because no way Lopez comes up with 40 mil in singles .
News anchor suspended for asking why 2020 ‘ took ’ Trebek , not McConnell Strange because he did phrase it as a question @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Yorker after his naked Zoom debacle Although , in reality , it was more like he gave himself the shaft .
Hmmm , sounds like someone ran out of his ‘ Just For Mad Men.
’ What boob came up with this headline ?
Nicolas Cage ’ s 1967 Ford Mustang from ‘ Gone in 60 Seconds ’ Just Went Up for Sale … for 20 % off you also get Cage as a driver .
Ice Cube groans over backlash he received for working with President Trump : ‘ Have a nice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rap street cred , he ’ s going to have to change his name to Vanilla Ice Cube .
That ’ s like Dahmer suing a victim for giving him a stomach ache .
White House press secretary said more than 1 million attended a demonstration in support of Trump , but it was more likely thousands Damn , any fewer people marching in DC and Trump can claim a second inaugural .
No word if investors are being told not to fret .
… on the latest episode of ‘ Cabinet Apprentice @ @

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Justin Trudeau says he’s first world leader to personally speak with President-Elect Biden
Canada’s gotta be like “thank God the meth head downstairs is moving out.”
Jared Kushner’s company reportedly moves to evict hundreds as pandemic rages
Damn, I didn’t realize that many people lived in the White House.
Scientists discovered how to ferment coffee grounds into 80-proof liquor
… can’t wait for a Mocharita.
Jennifer Lopez’s production company beats $40 million lawsuit from woman who inspired ‘Hustlers’
Good thing because no way Lopez comes up with 40 mil in singles.
News anchor suspended for asking why 2020 ‘took’ Trebek, not McConnell
Strange because he did phrase it as a question.
Jeffrey Toobin fired from the New Yorker after his naked Zoom debacle
Although, in reality, it was more like he gave himself the shaft.
Trump’s gray hair during press conference leaves viewers baffled
Hmmm, sounds like someone ran out of his ‘Just For Mad Men.’
Climate crisis could kill off great tits, scientists warn
What boob came up with this headline?
Nicolas Cage’s 1967 Ford Mustang from ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ Just Went Up for Sale
… for 20% off you also get Cage as a driver.
Ice Cube groans over backlash he received for working with President Trump: ‘Have a nice life’
If Ice Cube loses anymore Rap street cred, he’s going to have to change his name to Vanilla Ice Cube.
Cop sues Breonna Taylor’s boyfriend over emotional distress
That’s like Dahmer suing a victim for giving him a stomach ache.
White House press secretary said more than 1 million attended a demonstration in support of Trump, but it was more likely thousands
Damn, any fewer people marching in DC and Trump can claim a second inaugural.
Guitar Center plans to file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protection
No word if investors are being told not to fret.
Trump fires Secretary of Defense Esper
… on the latest episode of ‘Cabinet Apprentice …’


humortimes--2020-11-17--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Democratic Strategist James Carville and Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giul

The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Democratic Strategist James Carville and Former NYC Mayor Rudy Giuliani

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews James Carville and Rudy Giuliani .
After reading this exclusive interview with James Carville and Rudy Giuliani , be sure to check out episodes 1-4 of The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube !
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
My guests today are the “ Ragin Cajun ” Democratic strategist James Carville and former mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani .
Son .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rudy Giuliani are so narrow-minded that they look through a keyhole with both eyes .
Hey , boy .
LSU sucks !
And so do the Saints !
Excuse me , Ukraine Brain Drain .
The Yankees are like dirt .
They both get swept .
The election is over and Donald Trump got creamed .
The votes are counted .
Biden won with 306 electoral votes to Trump ’ s 232 .
The election was rigged .
How can you vote out a man who had the Trump University scam , 6 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on his taxes , had two divorces and cheated on all 3 of his wives ?
Did I forget his failed airline beverages and magazine ?
Quite an accomplishment .
Are you delusional ?
You just indicted and convicted your friend and client Donald Trump .
( upset ) Oh God .
I took truth pills by mistake .
Remember , the truth isn ’ t the truth .
Deer balls are under a buck .
Relax .
You remind me of a penny , because you ’ re two-faced and worthless .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ What happened in the election , Ragin Cagin ?
Joe Biden won the presidency , but the Democrats lost 15 seats in the House .
And only a net gain of 1 seat in the Senate .
They lost because Lefties like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez introduced a plan for the Green New Deal .
You can ’ t remake the U.S. economy by getting rid of the fossil fuel industry overnight .
Hundreds of thousands of workers would lose their jobs .
Donald Trump has the solution .
Drill our way to prosperity .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Make America Tank Again .
You seem uptight and irritated , Carville .
You bet your sweet ass .
Trump is trying to undermine our democracy by not conceding .
Putin loves it .
You need to relax .
I understand its turkey season for hunters in Louisiana .
Get out there and bring home some dinner .
Already have .
Shot my first one .
Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section .
It was friggin awesome !
Kind of like your president , Rudster .
Drag @ @ @ @ @ @ @ park .
You never know what kind of Trump supporters you ’ ll find .
I got bigger fish to fry .
The press is trying to smear me from my cameo in Borat 2 .
The fake news claims I had my hand down my pants while I was checking out one of the actresses .
You did .
I saw it .
That ’ s a lie .
I have bad arthritis .
My hand got stuck when I was trying to feel it after I farted .
Almost lost two @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I wan na .
I say I wan na know if Trump is going to leave office on January 20 .
No .
All the votes are illegal .
Irregularities in the ballots , dead people voted .
Ben Franklin voted twice in Philadelphia .
What about the Republicans that won on the same ballot ?
Alternate facts , Duncan .
They won honestly .
There ’ s a difference .
Trump ’ s name was in pixie dust .
It magically disappeared .
Using your logic , the next time the Democrats @ @ @ @ @ @ @ win the Senate .
If Borat can trick Rudy , imagine what KGB spies can do .
I got dirt on Hunter Biden .
There will be hearings in the Senate for the next 4 years .
You ’ ll wish Donald Trump was president .
Don ’ t get giddy , Rudster .
A copy of Obama ’ s birth certificate will be stapled on Trump ’ s indictment .
The Southern District of New York is licking their chops to put him in the slammer .
That does it for today @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an event , call Rudy Giuliani .
You could end up at the Four Seasons…Total Landscaping in Philadelphia .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews James Carville and Rudy Giuliani.
After reading this exclusive interview with James Carville and Rudy Giuliani, be sure to check out episodes 1-4 of The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube!
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. My guests today are the “Ragin Cajun” Democratic strategist James Carville and former mayor of New York City Rudy Giuliani.
JAMES CARVILLE
Son. I say, son. Some people like Rudy Giuliani are so narrow-minded that they look through a keyhole with both eyes.
RUDY GIULIANI
Hey, boy. LSU sucks! And so do the Saints!
JERRY
We’re just getting started folks.
JAMES
Excuse me, Ukraine Brain Drain. The Yankees are like dirt. They both get swept.
JERRY
The election is over and Donald Trump got creamed. The votes are counted. Biden won with 306 electoral votes to Trump’s 232.
RUDY
The election was rigged. How can you vote out a man who had the Trump University scam, 6 bankruptcies between 1991 and 2009, cheated on his taxes, had two divorces and cheated on all 3 of his wives? Did I forget his failed airline beverages and magazine? Quite an accomplishment.
CARVILLE
Are you delusional? You just indicted and convicted your friend and client Donald Trump.
RUDY
(upset) Oh God. I took truth pills by mistake. Remember, the truth isn’t the truth. Deer balls are under a buck.
JERRY
Relax. You remind me of a penny, because you’re two-faced and worthless.
RUDY
Thank you for the kind words.
JERRY
What happened in the election, Ragin Cagin? Joe Biden won the presidency, but the Democrats lost 15 seats in the House. And only a net gain of 1 seat in the Senate.
CARVILLE
They lost because Lefties like Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez introduced a plan for the Green New Deal. You can’t remake the U.S. economy by getting rid of the fossil fuel industry overnight. Hundreds of thousands of workers would lose their jobs.
RUDY
Donald Trump has the solution. Drill our way to prosperity. More oil wells, fracking, pollution. Make America Tank Again.
JERRY
You seem uptight and irritated, Carville.
CARVILLE
You bet your sweet ass. Trump is trying to undermine our democracy by not conceding. Putin loves it.
JERRY
You need to relax. I understand its turkey season for hunters in Louisiana. Get out there and bring home some dinner.
CARVILLE
Already have. Shot my first one. Scared the crap out of everyone in the frozen food section. It was friggin awesome!
RUDY
He’s so ignorant, Duncan.
JERRY
Kind of like your president, Rudster. Drag a hundred dollar bill through a trailer park. You never know what kind of Trump supporters you’ll find.
RUDY
I got bigger fish to fry. The press is trying to smear me from my cameo in Borat 2. The fake news claims I had my hand down my pants while I was checking out one of the actresses.
JERRY
You did. I saw it.
RUDY
That’s a lie. I have bad arthritis. My hand got stuck when I was trying to feel it after I farted. Almost lost two fingers in the blast.
CARVILLE
Rudster. I wanna. I say I wanna know if Trump is going to leave office on January 20.
RUDY
No. All the votes are illegal. Irregularities in the ballots, dead people voted. Ben Franklin voted twice in Philadelphia.
JERRY
What about the Republicans that won on the same ballot?
RUDY
Alternate facts, Duncan. They won honestly. There’s a difference. Trump’s name was in pixie dust. It magically disappeared.
JERRY
Using your logic, the next time the Democrats cheat they better figure out how to win the Senate.
CARVILLE
If Borat can trick Rudy, imagine what KGB spies can do.
RUDY
I got dirt on Hunter Biden. There will be hearings in the Senate for the next 4 years. You’ll wish Donald Trump was president.
CARVILLE
Don’t get giddy, Rudster. A copy of Obama’s birth certificate will be stapled on Trump’s indictment. The Southern District of New York is licking their chops to put him in the slammer.
JERRY
That does it for today. Next time you’re planning an event, call Rudy Giuliani. You could end up at the Four Seasons…Total Landscaping in Philadelphia.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


humortimes--2020-11-17--Listen In: Nancy Pelosi & Chuck Schumer Discuss Whether Trump Will Self-Pardon

Exclusive !
We ’ ve obtained this very interesting transcript of a discussion among top Dems about the possibility of a ‘ self-pardon ’ by Trump .
So , do you think he ’ s gon na Self-Pardon ?
Why not – he made a suit out of the Drapes , didn ’ t he ?
I heard if he ’ s not pardoned – Butterball wants to be frozen !
I knew there was a reason to become a Vegan !
Have you noticed how he has trouble going down Ramps ?
It ’ s nothing – all Poultry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s with his tiny webbed hands ?
Well , this dirty bird ’ s on the No-Fly List till he pays everybody he owes !
Is that why Melania told him to stop wearing Striped Pajamas – because it feels like a Conjugal Visit !
Remember the last Thanksgiving Bird – he ’ s got to be part Parrot !
Before he was pardoned , he kept on repeating ‘ 306 ’ , ‘ 306 ’ , ‘ 306 ’ !
But , worst of all – he knows nothing about traditional Thanksgiving @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he was offered , ‘ White or Dark ’ & he said , ‘ Either – there ’ s very fine meat on both sides ’ !

Exclusive! We’ve obtained this very interesting transcript of a discussion among top Dems about the possibility of a ‘self-pardon’ by Trump.
NANCY PELOSI
So, do you think he’s gonna Self-Pardon?
CHUCK SCHUMER
Why not – he made a suit out of the Drapes, didn’t he?
CHUCK
I heard if he’s not pardoned – Butterball wants to be frozen!
NANCY
I knew there was a reason to become a Vegan!
Have you noticed how he has trouble going down Ramps?
CHUCK
It’s nothing – all Poultry does that!
NANCY
And, what’s with his tiny webbed hands?
CHUCK
They don’t have hands – they’re wings!
NANCY
Well, this dirty bird’s on the No-Fly List till he pays everybody he owes!
CHUCK
Is that why Melania told him to stop wearing Striped Pajamas – because it feels like a Conjugal Visit!
NANCY
Remember the last Thanksgiving Bird – he’s got to be part Parrot! Before he was pardoned, he kept on repeating ‘306’, ‘306’, ‘306’!
CHUCK
Who can forget Mr. Lucky’s Russian-Assisted Keno numbers!
NANCY
But, worst of all – he knows nothing about traditional Thanksgiving manners!
CHUCK
You mean last year when he was offered, ‘White or Dark’ & he said, ‘Either – there’s very fine meat on both sides’!


humortimes--2020-11-17--Nicknames for The Donald

Nicknames for The Donald

Karma : it ’ s time to dole out nicknames for the guy who ’ s always coming up with derisive nicknames for others .
Back in 2016 , Michelle Obama appealed to our better natures by saying “ when they go low , we go high.
” It ’ s been a rough four years but , for the most part , many of us continued to play by that rule .
But now that the never-ending election is over , don ’ t you think it ’ s fair that we should finally be able to take a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve put up with almost half a decade of the lowest of the low with Donald Trump as president .
He incessantly employs juvenile bullying tactics .
He ’ s a womanizer and a racist .
He ’ s a liar and a cheat .
And most annoying of all , he labels his opponents with silly nicknames .
So now that Trump ’ s reign of error is over , let ’ s have a little harmless fun and dole out a few nicknames of our own to him and his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump rallies often show a significant subsequent rise in cases of COVID-19 .
It seems that wherever he goes including the White House , Donald Trump really is super as in a super-spreader .
Thus , like Typhoid Mary , it ’ s time to give full credit to COVID Donnie .
Remember some years ago when fake rightwing pundit Stephen Colbert coined the word truthiness meaning truth based on intuition rather than facts ?
Well , who better than the all-time presidential liar to adopt the name Truthiness Trump or more accurately @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The man who promised to clean up Washington , D. C. turned out instead to be one of the biggest White House grifters ever as in Swampman Trump .
Given that Trump ’ s family is in on the scam , maybe we should instead call him Mafia Don .
The only thing genuine about Donald Trump is his consistent lying and inability to admit wrongdoing .
He claims to be a super-successful , hyper-intelligent businessman yet is anything but .
All hail Phoney Donnie .
Trump is the only modern day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tax returns .
On top of that , it looks like those returns will reveal a lot of shady deals with potential criminal consequences .
That ’ s why he has definitely earned the sobriquet Tax Dodging Donnie .
There are plenty more nicknames for Mr. Trump as in Dumb Donnie , Viral Don , Cheatin ’ Donald and Be Best Trump .
And let ’ s not forget about his gaggle of enablers like Crazy Rudy , Money Bags Mitch , Butt-kissing Lindsey and Mike Pence , the Man from Sad .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ high-minded but after years of tolerating Trump , it ’ s a nice little gift we can give ourselves for a couple of months .
After that , it ’ s down to work to repair four years of damage caused by The Horrible , No Good , Terrible Trump .

Karma: it’s time to dole out nicknames for the guy who’s always coming up with derisive nicknames for others.
Back in 2016, Michelle Obama appealed to our better natures by saying “when they go low, we go high.” It’s been a rough four years but, for the most part, many of us continued to play by that rule.
But now that the never-ending election is over, don’t you think it’s fair that we should finally be able to take a few shots? After all, we’ve put up with almost half a decade of the lowest of the low with Donald Trump as president.
He incessantly employs juvenile bullying tactics. He’s a womanizer and a racist. He’s a liar and a cheat. And most annoying of all, he labels his opponents with silly nicknames. So now that Trump’s reign of error is over, let’s have a little harmless fun and dole out a few nicknames of our own to him and his supporters.
CNN reported that counties hosting Trump rallies often show a significant subsequent rise in cases of COVID-19. It seems that wherever he goes including the White House, Donald Trump really is super as in a super-spreader. Thus, like Typhoid Mary, it’s time to give full credit to COVID Donnie.
Remember some years ago when fake rightwing pundit Stephen Colbert coined the word truthiness meaning truth based on intuition rather than facts? Well, who better than the all-time presidential liar to adopt the name Truthiness Trump or more accurately, in his case, Truthless Trump.
The man who promised to clean up Washington, D. C. turned out instead to be one of the biggest White House grifters ever as in Swampman Trump. Given that Trump’s family is in on the scam, maybe we should instead call him Mafia Don.
The only thing genuine about Donald Trump is his consistent lying and inability to admit wrongdoing. He claims to be a super-successful, hyper-intelligent businessman yet is anything but. All hail Phoney Donnie.
Trump is the only modern day president who refused to release his income tax returns. On top of that, it looks like those returns will reveal a lot of shady deals with potential criminal consequences. That’s why he has definitely earned the sobriquet Tax Dodging Donnie.
There are plenty more nicknames for Mr. Trump as in Dumb Donnie, Viral Don, Cheatin’ Donald and Be Best Trump. And let’s not forget about his gaggle of enablers like Crazy Rudy, Money Bags Mitch, Butt-kissing Lindsey and Mike Pence, the Man from Sad.
This name-calling may not be mature or high-minded but after years of tolerating Trump, it’s a nice little gift we can give ourselves for a couple of months. After that, it’s down to work to repair four years of damage caused by The Horrible, No Good, Terrible Trump.


humortimes--2020-11-17--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Presidential Tantrump

Trump wants votes that are left uncounted .
Reality : Like it or unlike it .
The president ’ s @ @ @ @ @ and suffer from “ rigger ” mortis .
At last Trump voters know what it @ @ @ @ @ in a minority !
Those with no respect for others will always hate democracy .
@ @ @ @ @ ban on hate , not a Bannon hate .
Free Wi-Fi ?
I didn ’ @ @ @ @ @ in jail !
Go on a diet if you ’ ve got nothing too loose @ @ @ @ @ feed dreams of the future .
Wish you were beer .

Donnie’s throwing yet another presidential tantrump.
Trump wants votes that are left uncounted.
We are nitwitnessing a historical presidential implosion.
Reality: Like it or unlike it.
No concession, just con sessions.
The president’s election lawsuits are DOA, and suffer from “rigger” mortis.
At last Trump voters know what it’s like to be in a minority!
Failure fired!
Trumpism is a differ-cult.
Nay-sayers no everything.
Those with no respect for others will always hate democracy.
Beware the vigilant tea party.
We need to observe a ban on hate, not a Bannon hate.
Racism: A seething hotbed of dirty white cheats.
Hell’s a pitiful place to end up.
Free Wi-Fi? I didn’t even know he was in jail!
Go on a diet if you’ve got nothing too loose.
There’s no business like cannabis-ness.
Seeds of the past feed dreams of the future.
Wish you were beer.


humortimes--2020-11-19--This Thanksgiving, Let’s Celebrate AgriCULTURE, Not AgriBUSINESS

This is one of the most important populist struggles occurring in our society .
It ’ s literally a fight for control of our dinner .
In December 1972 , I was part of a nationwide campaign that came tantalizingly close to getting the U.S. Senate to reject Earl Butz , then-President Richard Nixon ’ s choice for secretary of agriculture .
A coalition of grassroots farmers , consumers and scrappy public interest organizations ( such as the Agribusiness Accountability Project that Susan DeMarco and I then headed ) teamed up with some gutsy , unabashedly progressive senators to undertake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nominee of a president who ’ d just been elected in a landslide .
The 51-44 Senate vote was so close because we were able to expose Butz as … well , as butt-ugly — a shameless flack for big food corporations that gouge farmers and consumers alike .
We brought the abusive power of corporate agribusiness into the public consciousness for the first time , but we had won only a moral victory , since there he was , ensconced in the seat of power .
It horrified us that Nixon had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seat , yet it turned out to be a blessing .
An arrogant , brusque , narrow-minded and dogmatic agricultural economist , Butz had risen to prominence in the small — but politically powerful — world of agriculture by devoting himself to the corporate takeover of the global food economy .
He was dean of agriculture at Purdue University but also a paid board member of Ralston Purina and other agribusiness giants .
In these roles , he openly promoted the preeminence of middleman food manufacturers over family farmers , whom he disdained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way of life , ” he infamously barked at them .
“ It ’ s a business.
” He callously instructed farmers to “ get big or get out ” — and he then proceeded to shove tens of thousands of them out by promoting an export-based , conglomerated , industrialized , globalized , heavily subsidized , corporate-run food economy .
“ Adapt , ” he warned farmers , “ or die.
” The ruination of farms and rural communities , Butz added , “ releases people to do something useful in our @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , however , spun off a blessing , which is that innovative , freethinking , populist-minded and rebellious small farmers and food artisans practically threw up at the resulting Twinkieization of America ’ s food .
They were sickened that nature ’ s own rich contribution to human culture was being turned into just another plasticized product of corporate profiteers .
“ The central problem with modern industrial agriculture … ( is ) not just that it produces unhealthy food , mishandles waste , and overuses antibiotics in ways that harm us all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ soul , ” said Nicholas Kristof , a New York Times columnist and former farm boy from Yamhill , Oregon .
Rather than accept that , they threw themselves into creating and sustaining a viable , democratic alternative .
The “ good food ” rebellion has since sprouted , spread and blossomed from coast to coast .
This transformative grassroots movement rebuts old Earl ’ s insistence that agriculture is nothing but a business .
It most certainly is a business , but it ’ s a good business — literally producing goodness @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way of life ” for enterprising , very hardworking people who practice the art and science of cooperating with Mother Nature , rather than always trying to overwhelm her .
These farmers don ’ t want to be massive or make a killing ; they want to farm and make delicious , healthy food products that help enrich the whole community .
This spirit was summed up in one simple word by a sustainable farmer in Ohio , who was asked what he ’ d be if he wasn ’ t a farmer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ To farmers like these , food embodies our full “ culture ” — a word that is , after all , sculpted right into “ agriculture ” and is essential to its organic meaning .
Although agriculture has forestalled the total takeover of our food by crass agribusiness , the corporate powers and their political hirelings continue to press for the elimination of the food rebels and , ultimately , to impose the Butzian vision of complete corporatization .
This is one of the most important populist struggles occurring in our society .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ control of our dinner , and it certainly deserves a major focus as you sit down to your Thanksgiving dinner this year .
To find small-scale farmers , artisans , farmers markets and other resources in your area for everything from organic tomatoes to pastured turkey , visit the LocalHarvest website .

This is one of the most important populist struggles occurring in our society. It’s literally a fight for control of our dinner.
In December 1972, I was part of a nationwide campaign that came tantalizingly close to getting the U.S. Senate to reject Earl Butz, then-President Richard Nixon’s choice for secretary of agriculture.
A coalition of grassroots farmers, consumers and scrappy public interest organizations (such as the Agribusiness Accountability Project that Susan DeMarco and I then headed) teamed up with some gutsy, unabashedly progressive senators to undertake the almost-impossible challenge of defeating the Cabinet nominee of a president who’d just been elected in a landslide.
The 51-44 Senate vote was so close because we were able to expose Butz as … well, as butt-ugly — a shameless flack for big food corporations that gouge farmers and consumers alike. We brought the abusive power of corporate agribusiness into the public consciousness for the first time, but we had won only a moral victory, since there he was, ensconced in the seat of power. It horrified us that Nixon had been able to squeeze Butz into that seat, yet it turned out to be a blessing.
An arrogant, brusque, narrow-minded and dogmatic agricultural economist, Butz had risen to prominence in the small — but politically powerful — world of agriculture by devoting himself to the corporate takeover of the global food economy. He was dean of agriculture at Purdue University but also a paid board member of Ralston Purina and other agribusiness giants. In these roles, he openly promoted the preeminence of middleman food manufacturers over family farmers, whom he disdained.
“Agriculture is no longer a way of life,” he infamously barked at them. “It’s a business.” He callously instructed farmers to “get big or get out” — and he then proceeded to shove tens of thousands of them out by promoting an export-based, conglomerated, industrialized, globalized, heavily subsidized, corporate-run food economy. “Adapt,” he warned farmers, “or die.” The ruination of farms and rural communities, Butz added, “releases people to do something useful in our society.”
The whirling horror of Butz, however, spun off a blessing, which is that innovative, freethinking, populist-minded and rebellious small farmers and food artisans practically threw up at the resulting Twinkieization of America’s food. They were sickened that nature’s own rich contribution to human culture was being turned into just another plasticized product of corporate profiteers. “The central problem with modern industrial agriculture … (is) not just that it produces unhealthy food, mishandles waste, and overuses antibiotics in ways that harm us all. More fundamentally, it has no soul,” said Nicholas Kristof, a New York Times columnist and former farm boy from Yamhill, Oregon. Rather than accept that, they threw themselves into creating and sustaining a viable, democratic alternative. The “good food” rebellion has since sprouted, spread and blossomed from coast to coast.
This transformative grassroots movement rebuts old Earl’s insistence that agriculture is nothing but a business. It most certainly is a business, but it’s a good business — literally producing goodness — because it’s “a way of life” for enterprising, very hardworking people who practice the art and science of cooperating with Mother Nature, rather than always trying to overwhelm her. These farmers don’t want to be massive or make a killing; they want to farm and make delicious, healthy food products that help enrich the whole community.
This spirit was summed up in one simple word by a sustainable farmer in Ohio, who was asked what he’d be if he wasn’t a farmer. He replied, “Disappointed.” To farmers like these, food embodies our full “culture” — a word that is, after all, sculpted right into “agriculture” and is essential to its organic meaning.
Although agriculture has forestalled the total takeover of our food by crass agribusiness, the corporate powers and their political hirelings continue to press for the elimination of the food rebels and, ultimately, to impose the Butzian vision of complete corporatization. This is one of the most important populist struggles occurring in our society. It’s literally a fight for control of our dinner, and it certainly deserves a major focus as you sit down to your Thanksgiving dinner this year.
To find small-scale farmers, artisans, farmers markets and other resources in your area for everything from organic tomatoes to pastured turkey, visit the LocalHarvest website.


humortimes--2020-11-24--How to Handle Your Ex-President

How to Handle Your Ex-President

What to do when an ex-president is particularly immature and refuses to do what his electors want .
Remember how proud you were when you first brought your new president home to the White House ?
Having a president is one of the most fulfilling things you can do , but even presidents can sometimes drive you crazy with their selfish behavior , especially a one-term , ex-president .
In most cases , ex-presidents quickly learn to be cooperative and are willing to transition freely .
Sometimes , however , an ex-president is particularly immature and refuses to do what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ case , he may rant and rave and even refuse to leave the house .
Frustrating as such a situation can be , resist the urge to yell and scream back as that will only encourage the recalcitrant behavior .
Remain calm but stick to your guns .
Consider distracting him by giving him his favorite food or beverage whether that ’ s an Egg McMuffin or a Diet Coke .
If that doesn ’ t work , try removing his favorite toys such as his golf clubs , his phone or his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ approach is to have the ex-president ’ s friends and family members calmly and patiently try to convince him to leave .
Unfortunately , in some cases , friends and family are unwilling or incapable of challenging the miscreant .
Some experts recommend ignoring the ex-president and carrying on without him .
The thinking is that if he doesn ’ t get the attention he craves , he will eventually come around and do what ’ s asked of him .
The danger is , of course , that he will become even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Generally speaking , a tantrum is not the end of the world .
You can usually just wait it out and step in when the ex-president has exhausted himself .
The only caveat is to ensure there are no objects around that he could hurt himself or others with such as questionable appointments , unreasonable executive orders or a nuclear football .
You can always try talking rationally to your ex-president in hopes of convincing him of your preferred option .
Remember , though , that you ’ re dealing with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ words , a president who has not won a second term and is very upset about it .
Still , it ’ s worth a try to talk it out .
Maybe you can convince him that he ’ s potentially damaging his legacy .
Or you can tell him it ’ s OK to step down since you both know that he really did win and is in no way a loser .
Best of all , you can generally mollify him by pointing out that he can run for office again @ @ @ @ @ @ @ take time and patience .
Don ’ t get frustrated ; instead play along and humor him for a while .
Let him know that you think that he ’ d make a great king , emperor or dictator so long as you never actually give in to that wish .
Some may criticize your approach as overly indulgent and accuse you of being a helicopter citizen .
But that ’ s not always a bad thing since if you can ultimately lure your ex-president into a helicopter , you may finally be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ House .

What to do when an ex-president is particularly immature and refuses to do what his electors want.
Remember how proud you were when you first brought your new president home to the White House? Having a president is one of the most fulfilling things you can do, but even presidents can sometimes drive you crazy with their selfish behavior, especially a one-term, ex-president.
In most cases, ex-presidents quickly learn to be cooperative and are willing to transition freely. Sometimes, however, an ex-president is particularly immature and refuses to do what his electors want. In such a case, he may rant and rave and even refuse to leave the house.
Frustrating as such a situation can be, resist the urge to yell and scream back as that will only encourage the recalcitrant behavior. Remain calm but stick to your guns.
Consider distracting him by giving him his favorite food or beverage whether that’s an Egg McMuffin or a Diet Coke. If that doesn’t work, try removing his favorite toys such as his golf clubs, his phone or his Twitter account.
One tried and true approach is to have the ex-president’s friends and family members calmly and patiently try to convince him to leave. Unfortunately, in some cases, friends and family are unwilling or incapable of challenging the miscreant.
Some experts recommend ignoring the ex-president and carrying on without him. The thinking is that if he doesn’t get the attention he craves, he will eventually come around and do what’s asked of him. The danger is, of course, that he will become even more agitated and throw a huge tantrum.
Generally speaking, a tantrum is not the end of the world. You can usually just wait it out and step in when the ex-president has exhausted himself. The only caveat is to ensure there are no objects around that he could hurt himself or others with such as questionable appointments, unreasonable executive orders or a nuclear football.
You can always try talking rationally to your ex-president in hopes of convincing him of your preferred option. Remember, though, that you’re dealing with the “terrible not-twos”, in other words, a president who has not won a second term and is very upset about it.
Still, it’s worth a try to talk it out. Maybe you can convince him that he’s potentially damaging his legacy. Or you can tell him it’s OK to step down since you both know that he really did win and is in no way a loser. Best of all, you can generally mollify him by pointing out that he can run for office again in 2024.
All of these options take time and patience. Don’t get frustrated; instead play along and humor him for a while. Let him know that you think that he’d make a great king, emperor or dictator so long as you never actually give in to that wish.
Some may criticize your approach as overly indulgent and accuse you of being a helicopter citizen. But that’s not always a bad thing since if you can ultimately lure your ex-president into a helicopter, you may finally be able to get him out of the House.


humortimes--2020-11-24--President Trump Booby Traps White House

President Trump Booby Traps White House

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Biden prepares for a real-life ‘ Home Alone , ’ as Trump booby traps the White House .
For the last week , President Trump has been holed up in his White House bedroom , watching Home Alone , replaying the part where Kevin booby traps the house against would-be robbers .
It ’ s no secret that the President and top White House officials are doing their best to sabotage President-elect Joe Biden ’ s agenda once he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ number of troops in Afghanistan , securing drilling in Alaska , and punishing China , will make it hard for the Biden administration to change direction .
But President Trump has taken his efforts a step further .
“ Operation Booby Traps ” is highly classified , but a source close to Trump felt compelled to issue this warning out of concern for Biden ’ s safety : “ President-elect Biden should invest in a new desk chair , a tear gas mask , a hard hat , and a pair of no-slip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden be up to date on all vaccinations including tetanus , hepatitis , and Ebola .
Members of the GOP embraced the President ’ s initiative by putting out this statement : “ Policy alone may not be enough to obstruct the will of the majority of this country .
We must act preemptively – even if it means roughing “ Sleepy Joe ” up a bit.
” As for President Trump , he was last seen crawling around on his hands and knees on the White House lawn .
When asked what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ planting “ forget me nots.
” News of the President ’ s “ gardening ” may have been leaked to Biden , who reportedly enrolled Champ and Major in a bomb sniffing class .
When asked if he was concerned about the booby traps , the President-elect replied : “ Here ’ s the deal : I ’ ve been knocked down more times than Muhammad Ali .
Joey always gets back up .
Bring it on .
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Biden prepares for a real-life ‘Home Alone,’ as Trump booby traps the White House.
For the last week, President Trump has been holed up in his White House bedroom, watching Home Alone, replaying the part where Kevin booby traps the house against would-be robbers.
It’s no secret that the President and top White House officials are doing their best to sabotage President-elect Joe Biden’s agenda once he takes office. Policies like reducing the number of troops in Afghanistan, securing drilling in Alaska, and punishing China, will make it hard for the Biden administration to change direction. But President Trump has taken his efforts a step further.
“Operation Booby Traps” is highly classified, but a source close to Trump felt compelled to issue this warning out of concern for Biden’s safety: “President-elect Biden should invest in a new desk chair, a tear gas mask, a hard hat, and a pair of no-slip socks.” The source also recommended that Biden be up to date on all vaccinations including tetanus, hepatitis, and Ebola.
Members of the GOP embraced the President’s initiative by putting out this statement: “Policy alone may not be enough to obstruct the will of the majority of this country. We must act preemptively – even if it means roughing “Sleepy Joe” up a bit.”
As for President Trump, he was last seen crawling around on his hands and knees on the White House lawn. When asked what he was doing he said he was planting “forget me nots.”
News of the President’s “gardening” may have been leaked to Biden, who reportedly enrolled Champ and Major in a bomb sniffing class.
When asked if he was concerned about the booby traps, the President-elect replied: “Here’s the deal: I’ve been knocked down more times than Muhammad Ali. Joey always gets back up. Bring it on.”


humortimes--2020-11-24--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Bernie Sanders & Uncle Max Sanders, Adventure II

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Bernie Sanders & Uncle Max Sanders , again , for round two .
Watch The Jerry Duncan Show YouTube series : 4 episodes and the 2 minute trailer !
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show , my guests are Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and his Uncle Max Sanders .
Last time we spoke , my uncle and I almost @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us , Jerry .
Can you believe my ear wax plugged a hole in the boat ?
So what does this schmegegge do after we survived ?
He takes me on a road trip to the Grand Canyon .
I have acrophobia .
In fact , I was going to write a book on phobias , but I was afraid it wouldn ’ t sell .
So what ?
All of us have phobias .
I have fear of people sitting next to me at weddings and funerals .
Let me tell you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going to weddings , because the old lady next to you always whispered in your ear , “ You ’ re next.
” So now I go funerals and the same thing happens .
Someone next to me says , “ You ’ re next.
” I ’ m scared .
The Grand Canyon is a mile deep .
My feet are so tired .
If I slip , I could land in the Colorado River .
Right now , I ’ m thinking about my stomach .
Dammit , I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a delicacy ?
There ’ s an army of them crawling up my leg .
Try it .
Why not ?
I know ants are immune to the coronavirus because they have anty-bodies .
You ’ re always kvetching .
The guide radioed for a pack mule so you don ’ t have to walk any further .
( sarcastic ) Great .
I asked for Seabiscuit and they ’ re bringing me Eeyore .
Sounds like this is a disaster in the making .
What ’ s the temperature there , fellas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have a reason .
It ’ s so hot , the cows are giving evaporated milk .
In fact , you need to eat hot chilies just to cool off your mouth .
I agree .
Only in Arizona does hot water come out of both taps .
Did you know the Grand Canyon is one of seven natural wonders of the world ?
Had no idea .
The only thing more spectacular is Rudy Giuliani playing with himself in Borat 2 .
Rudy thinks his pecker is an amusement park .
Another @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Guinness World Records , they are now an endangered species .
Who ’ s going to protect them ?
The Supreme Court .
That ’ s who it ’ s run by .
For the Republicans and by the Republicans .
I ’ m in the middle of a conversation .
I can ’ t wait for the donkey .
I ’ m going back to the hotel .
If I want wildlife , I ’ ll watch Debbie Does Dallas .
Be careful old-timer .
If you fall , my ratings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ ll fall .
Max is the poster boy for Life Alert .
I won ’ t , Darth Vader .
I ’ m inspired by the charity of a Rabbi in Brooklyn who circumcised my son when I was struggling in business .
He said , “ No need to pay me , I just keep the tips.
” See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Bernie Sanders & Uncle Max Sanders, again, for round two.
Watch The Jerry Duncan Show YouTube series: 4 episodes and the 2 minute trailer!
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show, my guests are Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders and his Uncle Max Sanders.
BERNIE SANDERS
Last time we spoke, my uncle and I almost drowned in a lake. You saved us, Jerry. Can you believe my ear wax plugged a hole in the boat?
UNCLE MAX SANDERS
So what does this schmegegge do after we survived? He takes me on a road trip to the Grand Canyon. I have acrophobia. In fact, I was going to write a book on phobias, but I was afraid it wouldn’t sell.
BERNIE
So what? All of us have phobias. I have fear of people sitting next to me at weddings and funerals.
JERRY
Why?
BERNIE
Let me tell you. When I was single I hated going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispered in your ear, “You’re next.” So now I go funerals and the same thing happens. Someone next to me says, “You’re next.”
MAX
I’m scared. The Grand Canyon is a mile deep. My feet are so tired. If I slip, I could land in the Colorado River.
BERNIE
Quit thinking about yourself.
MAX
Right now, I’m thinking about my stomach. Dammit, I’m hungry. Aren’t ants considered a delicacy?
BERNIE
Why?
MAX
There’s an army of them crawling up my leg.
BERNIE
Try it. Why not? I know ants are immune to the coronavirus because they have anty-bodies.
JERRY
And they’re socially dist-ant.
BERNIE
You’re always kvetching. The guide radioed for a pack mule so you don’t have to walk any further.
MAX
(sarcastic) Great. I asked for Seabiscuit and they’re bringing me Eeyore.
JERRY
Sounds like this is a disaster in the making. What’s the temperature there, fellas?
BERNIE
It’s a hundred degrees. I’m schvitzing.
JERRY
Not you, too.
MAX
Yeah. Now you’re kvetching, boychik.
BERNIE
I have a reason. It’s so hot, the cows are giving evaporated milk. In fact, you need to eat hot chilies just to cool off your mouth.
MAX
I agree. Only in Arizona does hot water come out of both taps.
JERRY
Did you know the Grand Canyon is one of seven natural wonders of the world?
MAX
Had no idea. The only thing more spectacular is Rudy Giuliani playing with himself in Borat 2.
BERNIE
Rudy thinks his pecker is an amusement park. Another crazy Republican.
JERRY
I understand Republicans are native to Arizona.
BERNIE
Yes. But according to Guinness World Records, they are now an endangered species.
JERRY
Who’s going to protect them?
BERNIE
The Supreme Court. That’s who it’s run by. For the Republicans and by the Republicans.
MAX
Excuse me, Bernie.
BERNIE
I’m in the middle of a conversation.
MAX
I can’t wait for the donkey. I’m going back to the hotel.
BERNIE
But you’ll miss seeing wildlife. There’s Bighorn sheep, deer, eagles.
MAX
If I want wildlife, I’ll watch Debbie Does Dallas.
JERRY
Be careful old-timer. If you fall, my ratings will go downhill.
MAX
So will I.
BERNIE
Trust me, he’ll fall. Max is the poster boy for Life Alert.
MAX
I won’t, Darth Vader. I’m inspired by the charity of a Rabbi in Brooklyn who circumcised my son when I was struggling in business. He said, “No need to pay me, I just keep the tips.”
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


Playing the Liar

Note : Please be advised that nothing in this short article has been reviewed by anyone with the expertise to ensure that the information is complete accurate or even remotely funny .
Read at your own peril .
People , and when I say people I mean Democrats , are claiming that President Trump has recently been playing golf instead of managing the coronavirus pandemic .
They say that he is an ineffectual leader in a time of crisis and that he is indifferent to the suffering on the American people .
Some believe that this is similar to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Rome burned in AD 64 .
But this is historically inaccurate because Nero didn ’ t play the fiddle while the city burned .
The fiddle wasn ’ t invented until the 10th century .
Nero was alleged to have been playing a small harp like instrument called the lyre ( pronounced liar ) while the fire ravaged Rome .
Now , to say that Trump ’ s inaction during the current crisis brings to mind Nero playing the lyre while Rome burned makes perfect sense as Trump has been playing the LIAR @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it .

Note: Please be advised that nothing in this short article has been reviewed by anyone with the expertise to ensure that the information is complete accurate or even remotely funny. Read at your own peril.
People, and when I say people I mean Democrats, are claiming that President Trump has recently been playing golf instead of managing the coronavirus pandemic. They say that he is an ineffectual leader in a time of crisis and that he is indifferent to the suffering on the American people.
Some believe that this is similar to the Roman Emperor Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burned in AD 64. But this is historically inaccurate because Nero didn’t play the fiddle while the city burned. The fiddle wasn’t invented until the 10th century. Nero was alleged to have been playing a small harp like instrument called the lyre (pronounced liar) while the fire ravaged Rome.
Now, to say that Trump’s inaction during the current crisis brings to mind Nero playing the lyre while Rome burned makes perfect sense as Trump has been playing the LIAR since the pandemic began. I get it.


humortimes--2020-11-25--Trump Appointees Now Job Hunting: Read Their Resumes

Exclusive !
Snippets from the resumes of job hunting Trump associates .
Now that Trump has lost the presidency , all of his closest appointees and associates will be job hunting .
This reporter has seen the resumes that these individuals are sending out .
Below are a few entries from those documents , describing their most salable qualities .
William Barr : Loyalty : Will support and defend my superiors in all situations without the interference of ethics or integrity Legal Expertise : Experience in numerous ways of subverting the law and Constitution Obfuscation Expertise : Can obfuscate and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ document Stephen Miller : Sadism : Capable of devising multiple methods of pain and injury in service of your goals Developmental Expertise Specializes in the damaging of children Immigration Expertise : Specializes in methods of subverting asylum laws Chastity : Was able to remain a virgin for years without a vow of chastity Able to deal with any situation without restraints as conscience was surgically removed .
Rudy Giuliani : Entertaining : Biggest clown in any courtroom Creative : Can concoct theories and new ” facts ” as needed Public Relations Expertise : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the media Roger Stone : Persuasive : Can persuade any witness to withdraw a complaint made against you Clean : Especially good at laundering money William Barr and Stephen Miller have also teamed up to provide security for high profile individuals .
The ad reads : Security Dream Team : Scarier looking than any guard dog .

Exclusive! Snippets from the resumes of job hunting Trump associates.
Now that Trump has lost the presidency, all of his closest appointees and associates will be job hunting. This reporter has seen the resumes that these individuals are sending out. Below are a few entries from those documents, describing their most salable qualities.
William Barr:
Loyalty: Will support and defend my superiors in all situations without the interference of ethics or integrity
Legal Expertise: Experience in numerous ways of subverting the law and Constitution
Obfuscation Expertise: Can obfuscate and misinterpret the content of any report or document
Stephen Miller:
Sadism: Capable of devising multiple methods of pain and injury in service of your goals
Developmental Expertise Specializes in the damaging of children
Immigration Expertise: Specializes in methods of subverting asylum laws
Chastity: Was able to remain a virgin for years without a vow of chastity
Able to deal with any situation without restraints as conscience was surgically removed.
Rudy Giuliani:
Entertaining: Biggest clown in any courtroom
Creative: Can concoct theories and new ”facts” as needed
Public Relations Expertise: Will keep you in the forefront with the media
Roger Stone:
Persuasive: Can persuade any witness to withdraw a complaint made against you
Clean: Especially good at laundering money
William Barr and Stephen Miller have also teamed up to provide security for high profile individuals. The ad reads: Security Dream Team: Scarier looking than any guard dog.


humortimes--2020-11-25--Embedded with the Bidens: January 20, 2021

We can ’ t get to January 20 , 2021 soon enough – but while we wait , let ’ s listen in to what could be the Biden ’ s first night in the White House !
January 20 , 2021 : With her back to the new President snuggling her pillow , First Lady Jill Biden is royally ticked off… What the… is it ‘ you know who ’ ?
Shh…you know I ’ m an old softie .
I didn ’ t want to bring that up but… Oh , I forgot , where ’ s my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up at 5 & you won ’ t even miss me !
I hope these 4 years won ’ t be like the movie “ Stuck on You ” !
No , think of him as a Crazy Uncle .
I never had one .
Then , how about we charge him like in a hotel .
Send him over to Kamala ‘ s new digs – I can ’ t sleep !
The last thing he wants is to be Vice President of anything !
Doesn ’ t the White House have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a dungeon to stash him someplace ?
We need him up here , Jill – he won ’ t give us the code to ‘ The Nuclear Football ’ !
I can get it out of him – I ’ m a Teacher !
Maybe tomorrow – he looks so peaceful sleeping there .
I know !
Put him in the Rose Garden !
I ’ m so glad you didn ’ t say bury him .
And , why not ?
If anyone asks – you could say you were getting some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Campaign trail was pretty rough , wasn ’ t it Sweetie .
The Rootin ’ Tootin ’ Texas Bus Ambush with ammo flyin ’ – you were shaving your legs at the time , weren ’ t you ?
Well , he ’ ll need it – he ’ s 6 ’ 3 in Elevator Shoes , you know !

We can’t get to January 20, 2021 soon enough – but while we wait, let’s listen in to what could be the Biden’s first night in the White House!
January 20, 2021: With her back to the new President snuggling her pillow, First Lady Jill Biden is royally ticked off…
JILL BIDEN
Stop snoring!
JOE BIDEN
I’m reading!
JILL
What the… is it ‘you know who’?
JOE
Shh…you know I’m an old softie.
JILL
I didn’t want to bring that up but…
Joe, there’s 3 in this marriage!
JOE
Oh, I forgot, where’s my lucky Tees – I’ll be up at 5 & you won’t even miss me!
JILL
I hope these 4 years won’t be like the movie “Stuck on You”!
JOE
No, think of him as a Crazy Uncle.
JILL
I never had one.
JOE
Then, how about we charge him like in a hotel.
JILL
Send him over to Kamala‘s new digs – I can’t sleep!
JOE
The last thing he wants is to be Vice President of anything!
JILL
Doesn’t the White House have a ‘Hanger-on Room’ – like a dungeon to stash him someplace?
JOE
We need him up here, Jill – he won’t give us the code to ‘The Nuclear Football’!
JILL
I can get it out of him – I’m a Teacher!
JOE
Maybe tomorrow – he looks so peaceful sleeping there.
JILL
I know! Put him in the Rose Garden!
JOE
I’m so glad you didn’t say bury him.
JILL
And, why not? If anyone asks – you could say you were getting some of Michelle’s Beets!
JOE
The Campaign trail was pretty rough, wasn’t it Sweetie. The Rootin’ Tootin’ Texas Bus Ambush with ammo flyin’ – you were shaving your legs at the time, weren’t you?
JILL (yawning)
Separate Beds, huh Joe?
JOE
Well, he’ll need it – he’s 6’3 in Elevator Shoes, you know!


humortimes--2020-11-24--Secret Service Plan Ready if Trump Refuses to Leave White House

An anonymous source has sent the Humor Times an exclusive copy of a Secret Service plan drawn up in case Trump barricades himself in the Oval Office .
There have been some signs that indicate that Trump indeed is planning to do so .
First , large stores of canned beans and buckets of chicken were found hidden under a blanket in one of the closets .
Last week he had a microwave and small refrigerator installed in one of the cabinets .
The Secret Service plan detailed how , when Trump retired to his bedroom in the White House @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the cabinet and closet doors , as well as to the door to the Oval office executive bathroom .
If the then former President decides to go on a hunger strike — which given his girth could last quite a while — special vents have been installed which will waft the scent of Big Mac ’ s constantly into the room .
Since Trump has intimated to his aides that he will call on his supporters to rally around him , the company executives have agreed to cut off his Twitter and cell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also be controlled remotely and set at fifty degrees Fahrenheit .
There is fear that these extreme measures may not be sufficient given indications of Trump ’ s delusional state .
He has not only been insisting that he was the victor because millions of the ballots were “ fake , ” but is wearing his Superman t-shirt under his dress shirt daily and claims it was all a Leftist plot led by Nancy Pelosi who is really Lex Luthor in drag .
As a last resort , if the former President still @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the services of the Bronx Zoo veterinarian have been enlisted .
A small window has been installed in the paneling where the vet can aim his rifle loaded with a powerful elephant tranquilizer .
Because his mental stability can not be assured once he is again conscious , he will be whisked away to awake in a secret location where a replica of the Oval Office has been constructed with access to the bathroom and his amenities restored .
Fake twitter and internet feed will assure him that he still has control of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how long his delusional state will last , but to control any danger to himself due to his likely tantrums , Xanex will be insert into the Big Macs that will be supplied throughout his stay .
The Secret Service has indicated concern about the First Lady as well .
In contrast to her husband , she has been seen smiling and singing even since the Biden ’ s victory was announced .
Last week she had all of her and Baron ’ s clothing and other possessions packed in trunks .
She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ House on her way to her New York apartment , again wearing her famous jacket : “ I really don ’ t care .
Do U ?
”

Trump barricade? No problem: Secret Service plan revealed.
An anonymous source has sent the Humor Times an exclusive copy of a Secret Service plan drawn up in case Trump barricades himself in the Oval Office.
There have been some signs that indicate that Trump indeed is planning to do so. First, large stores of canned beans and buckets of chicken were found hidden under a blanket in one of the closets. Last week he had a microwave and small refrigerator installed in one of the cabinets.
The Secret Service plan detailed how, when Trump retired to his bedroom in the White House, remote control locks were installed on the cabinet and closet doors, as well as to the door to the Oval office executive bathroom.
If the then former President decides to go on a hunger strike — which given his girth could last quite a while — special vents have been installed which will waft the scent of Big Mac’s constantly into the room.
Since Trump has intimated to his aides that he will call on his supporters to rally around him, the company executives have agreed to cut off his Twitter and cell phone access immediately.
The thermostat will also be controlled remotely and set at fifty degrees Fahrenheit. There is fear that these extreme measures may not be sufficient given indications of Trump’s delusional state. He has not only been insisting that he was the victor because millions of the ballots were “fake,” but is wearing his Superman t-shirt under his dress shirt daily and claims it was all a Leftist plot led by Nancy Pelosi who is really Lex Luthor in drag.
As a last resort, if the former President still refuses to leave the Oval Office, the services of the Bronx Zoo veterinarian have been enlisted. A small window has been installed in the paneling where the vet can aim his rifle loaded with a powerful elephant tranquilizer.
Because his mental stability cannot be assured once he is again conscious, he will be whisked away to awake in a secret location where a replica of the Oval Office has been constructed with access to the bathroom and his amenities restored. Fake twitter and internet feed will assure him that he still has control of the White House.
It is unclear how long his delusional state will last, but to control any danger to himself due to his likely tantrums, Xanex will be insert into the Big Macs that will be supplied throughout his stay.
The Secret Service has indicated concern about the First Lady as well. In contrast to her husband, she has been seen smiling and singing even since the Biden’s victory was announced. Last week she had all of her and Baron’s clothing and other possessions packed in trunks. She marched with them out of the White House on her way to her New York apartment, again wearing her famous jacket: “I really don’t care. Do U?”


humortimes--2020-11-24--Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/24/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/24/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , fencing going up around the White House … mostly to keep out Trump ’ s creditors .
Poll : 38 percent of Americans plan to have Thanksgiving dinner with 10 or more people Which will cut down the number of people at family Christmas parties .
Any more black dye on Giuliani ’ s face and he could be the Governor of Virginia !
A Mississippi Republican has called for the State to ‘ succeed ’ from the Union over the election Given its ranking in health , education , etc.
, @ @ @ @ @ @ @ few times Mississippi ‘ succeeds.
’ Trump ’ s won ’ t be that long even if it repeats chapter 11 six times .
Trump blocks transition , as he refuses to accept loss It ’ s like the only way to get Trump to move out of the White House is to tell him Corey Booker just moved in next door .
To see what ’ s up , I got out my old BlackBerry .
Trump campaign rallies led to more than 30,000 coronavirus cases , Stanford researchers say … on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ got into Stanford .
List : Here ’ s where masks are and aren ’ t required PSA : Reminder , if they can make you wear pants then they can make you wear a mask .
Belgian King meets secret daughter after decades of refusing to recognize her So , no more waffling … Damn , Biden ’ s racked up more wins in Georgia than Nick Saban !
Couple had sex off a Florida highway in the middle of the day ; Passing drivers interrupted Well , you are supposed to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been rear ended .
… making it the first time Don Sr. got to say anything positive about Don Jr. …

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
More metal scaffolding, fencing going up around the White House
… mostly to keep out Trump’s creditors.
Poll: 38 percent of Americans plan to have Thanksgiving dinner with 10 or more people
Which will cut down the number of people at family Christmas parties.
Black hair dye drips down Rudy Giuliani’s face at presser
Any more black dye on Giuliani’s face and he could be the Governor of Virginia!
A Mississippi Republican has called for the State to ‘succeed’ from the Union over the election
Given its ranking in health, education, etc., it’ll be one of the few times Mississippi ‘succeeds.’
Obama’s memoir ‘A Promised Land’ is over 750 pages
Trump’s won’t be that long even if it repeats chapter 11 six times.
Trump blocks transition, as he refuses to accept loss
It’s like the only way to get Trump to move out of the White House is to tell him Corey Booker just moved in next door.
MySpace trending
To see what’s up, I got out my old BlackBerry.
Trump campaign rallies led to more than 30,000 coronavirus cases, Stanford researchers say
… on the upside Trump supporters can brag they got into Stanford.
Happy 78th birthday Joe Biden
No malarkey, that.
List: Here’s where masks are and aren’t required
PSA: Reminder, if they can make you wear pants then they can make you wear a mask.
Belgian King meets secret daughter after decades of refusing to recognize her
So, no more waffling …
Georgia’s Secretary of State officially certified President-elect Biden’s win over Trump
Damn, Biden’s racked up more wins in Georgia than Nick Saban!
Couple had sex off a Florida highway in the middle of the day; Passing drivers interrupted
Well, you are supposed to call for help when someone’s been rear ended.
Donald Trump Jr. tests positive for COVID-19
… making it the first time Don Sr. got to say anything positive about Don Jr. …


Nostalgic for 2019

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It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !

Are you, too, nostalgic for the good old days – like 2019?
Despite my advancing years, I’ve never much cared for those nostalgia e-mails celebrating the 1950s. As I recall that era, it was filled with unsafe vehicles, unhealthy food, limited medical treatments and widespread racism, sexism and homophobia.
For the most part, I prefer the present day, except perhaps for the ongoing pandemic. And that is why I’d like to receive a nostalgic e-mail celebrating the joys and wonders of 2019 as in, do you remember when:


humortimes--2020-11-24--‘Color Me a Fool’ – Mayor Giuliani’s Fall from Gracie Mansion

Formerly known as “ America ’ s Mayor , ” Giuliani has come a long way since he resided at Gracie Mansion .
While dyeing to be a loyal lawyer , Rudy Giuliani takes on his own Jersey case !
Youse got to believe me Judge – my girlfriend colored my hair !
And , that ’ s why your color ran down your face ?
She bought it from a guy who knew a guy .
Trudy – have lunch brought in .
Go on .
He was a Michigan Election Ballot Counter & he sold it from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he ’ s on trial , not me ?
Anything more before I turn to my Statutes ?
I didn ’ t knock those statutes coming in here – ask my girlfriend !
Oh , I see what you want – the product was made by a Democrat & he voted for a dead man !
And , who did the dead man vote for ?
So , you say it was defective & a nationwide fraud ?
Did you bring in the evidence ?
Well , I found Tubes 1 , 3 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 4 are in a Joisey Landfill now !
Some of these I do just for me !
ha ha Is this the first time you ever used this brand ?
I know , I know…no one wants to go to court over $ 8.49 !
Well , the world is laughing .
You think it ’ s the first time ?
I should ’ ve listened to Gotti & got me a lawyer to do this .
What else did he say ?

Formerly known as “America’s Mayor,” Giuliani has come a long way since he resided at Gracie Mansion.
While dyeing to be a loyal lawyer, Rudy Giuliani takes on his own Jersey case!
RUDY GIULIANI
Youse got to believe me Judge – my girlfriend colored my hair!
JUDGE
And, that’s why your color ran down your face?
RUDY
She bought it from a guy who knew a guy.
JUDGE
Trudy – have lunch brought in. Go on.
RUDY
He was a Michigan Election Ballot Counter & he sold it from the trunk of his car! So, he’s on trial, not me?
JUDGE
Anything more before I turn to my Statutes?
RUDY
I didn’t knock those statutes coming in here – ask my girlfriend!
Oh, I see what you want – the product was made by a Democrat & he voted for a dead man!
JUDGE
And, who did the dead man vote for?
RUDY
Trump, you idiot!
JUDGE
I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that.
RUDY
Youse a real doll, Judge.
JUDGE
So, you say it was defective & a nationwide fraud?
RUDY
Exactly!
JUDGE
Did you bring in the evidence?
RUDY
Well, I found Tubes 1, 3 & 5. I guess 2 & 4 are in a Joisey Landfill now!
JUDGE
What Exit?
Some of these I do just for me! ha ha
JUDGE
Is this the first time you ever used this brand?
RUDY
Yes & I’m so disillusioned.
JUDGE
I know, I know…no one wants to go to court over $8.49!
RUDY
Well, the world is laughing.
JUDGE
You think it’s the first time?
RUDY
I should’ve listened to Gotti & got me a lawyer to do this.
JUDGE
What else did he say?
RUDY
Never buy #222 ‘Sycophant Bologna Brown’!


humortimes--2020-12-02--Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/1/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 12/1/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ length of the actual “ Alice ’ s Restaurant ” song… Not that surprising , she bought it with inside info at Covid 12 !
He ’ s not only President-Elect but the favorite to play in NCAA Football Title Game .
Rudy Giuliani asked Trump ’ s campaign to pay him $ 20,000 a day for his legal fees … better get that in cash Rudy .
Zoom nightmare come true : New Jersey school board member resigns after streaming bathroom break during meeting A reminder to all : No boom boom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , as Stormy Daniels calls it , $ 130,000 worth !
Professional tip : If your name is Purdue don ’ t act like a chicken .
Sex Pistol John Lydon , aka Johnny Rotten , was bitten by a flea on his penis Where the f**k ’ s PETA when they ’ re really needed !
Makes sense , with so many restaurants closed most of those guys are jobless !
No word on who will take his place as one of Santa ’ s reindeer .
LA just closed all dining @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Can ’ t wait to move out of this awful place ” That ’ s ok , whenever Matt ’ s asked to pass the salt , it gets picked off and run back for a touchdown !
NYC Sheriffs broke up a sex party with 80 people , a room full of mattresses , and boxes of condoms No word if they found Falwell Jr. sitting in a corner watching .

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Alice’s Restaurant: Thanksgiving 2020 marks 55 years since event that inspired Arlo Guthrie’s song
And, the length of the actual “Alice’s Restaurant” song…
Georgia Sen. Kelly Loeffler tests positive for Covid 19
Not that surprising, she bought it with inside info at Covid 12!
Joe Biden’s now won in Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Georgia
He’s not only President-Elect but the favorite to play in NCAA Football Title Game.
Rodney Dangerfield would’ve turned 99
RESPECT!
Rudy Giuliani asked Trump’s campaign to pay him $20,000 a day for his legal fees
… better get that in cash Rudy.
Zoom nightmare come true: New Jersey school board member resigns after streaming bathroom break during meeting
A reminder to all: No boom boom when on the Zoom Zoom.
Trump gives one-minute press briefing
Or, as Stormy Daniels calls it, $130,000 worth!
Purdue won’t debate Ossoff in Georgia Senate runoff
Professional tip: If your name is Purdue don’t act like a chicken.
Sex Pistol John Lydon, aka Johnny Rotten, was bitten by a flea on his penis
Where the f**k’s PETA when they’re really needed!
One Direction planning a reunion
Makes sense, with so many restaurants closed most of those guys are jobless!
Biden names Blinken next Secretary of State
No word on who will take his place as one of Santa’s reindeer.
LA just closed all dining INDOOR/OUTDOOR for 3 weeks? Matt Leinart “Can’t wait to move out of this awful place”
That’s ok, whenever Matt’s asked to pass the salt, it gets picked off and run back for a touchdown!
NYC Sheriffs broke up a sex party with 80 people, a room full of mattresses, and boxes of condoms
No word if they found Falwell Jr. sitting in a corner watching.
Chris Christie calls Trump’s legal team a “National Embarrassment”
… finally, for Christie, a bridge too far…


humortimes--2020-12-02--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Giuliani Jerk Reactions

Rudy suffers from Giuliani jerk reactions.
Giuliani is like an unhinged shudder.
Bad losers always lose badly.
Trump will miss leading us.
Truth is not truth… when it lies in an alternate universe.
Know-nothings no more answers.
Scoundrels huddle in the muddle.
Election lawsuits are conspiraling out of control.
Sham on you.
Free the dumb of speech.
MAGA: Make Asshole Go Away!
Admission accomplished, Joe. You’re certifiered.
A progressive agenda means no more business as use-you-all.
The smart money’s always on education.
I owe it all to my creditors.
A closed mind, like a closed hand, can grasp nothing.
This crazy world keeps on moving for weird.
When searching for yourself look within, so you won’t end up without.
I column as I see ’em.
Dig deep thoughts.


humortimes--2020-12-02--The Jerry Duncan Show Tweets at Famous People

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host lets his inner Trump loose by tweeting at famous people !
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
Yes , it is .
At this time of the season , I like to keep in touch with my guests .
I recently hired an intern to get out some tweets that I ’ ve written to famous people .
I ’ ll introduce him .
His name is Peter Patterson .
Hey @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Gosh .
I ’ ve never sent a mean tweet , especially to any famous people .
Is your rear end jealous of the shit that just came out of your mouth ?
And by the way , yesterday when I told you to have a nice day you weren ’ t supposed to go home .
You ’ re not paid to think .
I ’ m not paid , Mr. Duncan .
I don ’ t get why people like me get hired as an unpaid intern .
It doesn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than being a fool , consider yourself my slave .
No pay .
Just experience in the field .
Here we go .
This one I ’ m tweeting at Randy Rainbow .
This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show .
Is it true you are Pee Wee Herman ’ s Siamese Twin separated at birth ?
Please confirm .
Hey , I got one for Mitch McConnell .
Operator .
Please hold for the Republicans .
It ’ s 1925 .
Good .
Now you ’ re using my brain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Steve Schmidt of The Lincoln Project .
Steve .
I heard the ghost of Helen Keller tried to read the pimples on Steve Bannon ’ s face .
Why hasn ’ t The Lincoln Project reported this breaking news ?
Flattery will get you know nowhere .
Did I mention I nicknamed the cockroach in the corner after you ?
Keep typing .
Hey , Ellen Not So Generous .
This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show .
I heard you got the biggest belly laugh when you laid off your @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Buddy can you spare a dime ?
You ’ re so ugly that when you watch TV , the channels change themselves .
FYI .
You need to register your face as a lethal weapon .
You suck , Rainbow .
Reminds me when you remove 90 % of talent from him and rapper 50 Cent .
I ’ m pumped to do another tweet .
So am I .
Do you someone in mind ?
Hey Tucker .
This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show .
I hear you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keep a “ stiff upper lip.
” That ’ s what Sean said .
Just sayin .
Another retweet .
This one from Helen Keller .
You missed the most important part of the Steve Bannon tweet .
I also popped his zits .
Hey Veep .
This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show .
Now that you ’ re out of a job , how about hosting a revival of Girls Gone Wild ?
Sign on the dotted line .
Mr. Duncan .
Do you know that it is International @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a day dedicated to Donald Trump ?
C ’ mon , let ’ s do one more tweet .
Kim Kardashian .
She ’ s the first woman to have an engagement ring with a carat size larger than her IQ .
Kimster .
This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show .
I understand you ’ re working on a law degree from the prestigious Trump University .
Do you have an argument for your case ?
Mr. Duncan .
It ’ s nice that people are also thinking of you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a retweet from Ellen DeGeneres .
Numb nuts .
The reason I laid off my staff is because I ’ m doing a documentary about the homeless .
Thanks to the Ellen Foundation , my former peeps are living in upscale cardboard boxes under the Hollywood Freeway .
See you tomorrow everyone .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host lets his inner Trump loose by tweeting at famous people!
Watch The Jerry Duncan Show YouTube episodes 1-4!
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? Yes, it is. At this time of the season, I like to keep in touch with my guests. I recently hired an intern to get out some tweets that I’ve written to famous people. I’ll introduce him. His name is Peter Patterson. Hey Peter, who should I insult first?
PETER PATTERSON
Gosh. I’ve never sent a mean tweet, especially to any famous people.
JERRY
Is your rear end jealous of the shit that just came out of your mouth? And by the way, yesterday when I told you to have a nice day you weren’t supposed to go home. You’re not paid to think.
PETER
I’m not paid, Mr. Duncan. I don’t get why people like me get hired as an unpaid intern. It doesn’t make any cents.
JERRY
Other than being a fool, consider yourself my slave. No pay. Just experience in the field. Here we go. This one I’m tweeting at Randy Rainbow.
JERRY
@duncanmania
This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show. Is it true you are Pee Wee Herman’s Siamese Twin separated at birth? Please confirm.
PETER
Hey, I got one for Mitch McConnell.
@duncanmania
Operator. Please hold for the Republicans. It’s 1925.
JERRY
Good. Now you’re using my brain. Here’s a tweet at Steve Schmidt of The Lincoln Project.
JERRY
@duncanmania
Steve. I heard the ghost of Helen Keller tried to read the pimples on Steve Bannon’s face. Why hasn’t The Lincoln Project reported this breaking news?
PETER
You’re brilliant, Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Flattery will get you know nowhere. Did I mention I nicknamed the cockroach in the corner after you? Keep typing.
JERRY
Ellen DeGeneres.
@duncanmania
Hey, Ellen Not So Generous. This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show. I heard you got the biggest belly laugh when you laid off your staff without pay because of the pandemic. Buddy can you spare a dime?
PETER
Mr. Duncan. There’s a retweet from Randy Rainbow.
RANDY RAINBOW
RT@rainbowsongs
You’re so ugly that when you watch TV, the channels change themselves. FYI. You need to register your face as a lethal weapon.
JERRY
You suck, Rainbow. Reminds me when you remove 90% of talent from him and rapper 50 Cent.
PETER
What happens?
JERRY
You get a nickel back.
PETER
I’m pumped to do another tweet.
JERRY
So am I. Do you someone in mind?
PETER
Tucker Carlson. Fox News is “fair and balanced.”
JERRY
And?
PETER
That’s it. That’s the joke.
JERRY
Tucker Carlson.
@duncanmania
Hey Tucker. This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show. I hear you use Viagra brand chapstick so you can keep a “stiff upper lip.” That’s what Sean said. Just sayin.
PETER
Another retweet. This one from Helen Keller.
HELEN KELLER
RT@badgirl
You missed the most important part of the Steve Bannon tweet. I also popped his zits.
JERRY
Mike Pence.
@duncanmania
Hey Veep. This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show. Now that you’re out of a job, how about hosting a revival of Girls Gone Wild? Sign on the dotted line.
PETER
Mr. Duncan. Do you know that it is International Joke Day?
JERRY
Do we really need a day dedicated to Donald Trump? C’mon, let’s do one more tweet. Kim Kardashian. She’s the first woman to have an engagement ring with a carat size larger than her IQ.
JERRY
@duncanmania
Kimster. This is Jerry Duncan from The Jerry Duncan Show. I understand you’re working on a law degree from the prestigious Trump University. Do you have an argument for your case?
PETER
Mr. Duncan. It’s nice that people are also thinking of you at the holidays. Here’s a retweet from Ellen DeGeneres.
ELLEN DEGENERES
RT@notfunnyme
Numb nuts. The reason I laid off my staff is because I’m doing a documentary about the homeless. Thanks to the Ellen Foundation, my former peeps are living in upscale cardboard boxes under the Hollywood Freeway.
JERRY
See you tomorrow everyone.
The Jerry Duncan Show
(c) Dean B. Kaner


What a Grinch

Nearly everyone in America liked Democracy a lot .
But Trump , who once lived in a tower , did not .
Trump hated it and the whole election season .
Now please don ’ t ask why .
No one knows the reason .
According to Pelosi , his head wasn ’ t on right , Or perhaps his pants were a little too tight .
But I think that the most likely reason of all , May be that his brain was a little too small .
Whatever the reason , his brain , or his pants , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his rants .
Trump said , “ I must stop this rigged election from counting.
” But the election result did come , and it came without rigging or cheating or fraud .
People voted in droves , the young and the old , many on the left and many on the right , And those who were black and those who were white .
From there to here from here to there , voters with masks were everywhere .
Where did they come from , I could not say ?
But I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ long day .
One voter cried , I don ’ t like Trump so well , All he does is yell , yell , yell .
Another said I don ’ t want to have him about .
I just want to vote him out , out , out .
But Trump thought that , of course , he had won , And that Joe Biden finally was done .
Trump said he would win , as he had done it before .
He was sure he could count on his devoted white @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never show ME the White House door .
What will the Dems do when I win , as they fear ?
Why their mouths will hang open for a minute or two , Then they will all cry BOO HOO HOO , ” the music Trump wanted to hear .
So , he paused and put his hand to his ear .
But no matter how old Biden may be… .
Voters welcomed him with post-election night cheer , This made Trump sad , and very , very mad .
He had a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump had .
And what happened next ?
Well , as a smile came across the Grinch ’ s face , he tweeted that the cheering must be cut short .
For he would take this to the U.S. Supreme Court .
An Election Limerick I ’ m really not much of a poet And the above surely does show it But I just wanted to say After that scary election day Thank God Biden won , don ’ t we know it .

“What a Grinch” (with apologies to Dr. Seuss)
Nearly everyone in America liked Democracy a lot.
But Trump, who once lived in a tower, did not.
Trump hated it and the whole election season.
Now please don’t ask why. No one knows the reason.
According to Pelosi, his head wasn’t on right,
Or perhaps his pants were a little too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all,
May be that his brain was a little too small.
Whatever the reason, his brain, or his pants,
He stood there after the election making his rants.
Trump said, “I must stop this rigged election from counting.”
But the election result did come, and it came without rigging or cheating or fraud.
People voted in droves, the young and the old,
many on the left and many on the right,
And those who were black and those who were white.
From there to here from here to there, voters with masks were everywhere.
Where did they come from, I could not say?
But I know their wait made for a very long day.
One voter cried, I don’t like Trump so well,
All he does is yell, yell, yell.
Another said I don’t want to have him about.
I just want to vote him out, out, out.
But Trump thought that, of course, he had won,
And that Joe Biden finally was done.
Trump said he would win, as he had done it before.
He was sure he could count on his devoted white core.
He exclaimed “they will never show ME the White House door.
What will the Dems do when I win, as they fear?
Why their mouths will hang open for a minute or two,
Then they will all cry BOO HOO HOO,” the music Trump wanted to hear.
So, he paused and put his hand to his ear.
But no matter how old Biden may be….
Voters welcomed him with post-election night cheer,
This made Trump sad, and very, very mad.
He had a bad election. What a bad election Trump had.
And what happened next?
Well, as a smile came across the Grinch’s face,
he tweeted that the cheering must be cut short.
For he would take this to the U.S. Supreme Court.
An Election Limerick
I’m really not much of a poet
And the above surely does show it
But I just wanted to say
After that scary election day
Thank God Biden won, don’t we know it.


humortimes--2020-12-02--Who Cares Who the Secretary of Agriculture Is?

The job of secretary of agriculture in the past has first and foremost been to keep moneyed interests in charge .
Years ago , Robert Kennedy noted that making economic , political and social progress is hard because such advances require rejecting the same old business-as-usual policies that sustain the establishment ’ s profits and power .
“ ‘ Progress ’ is the nice word , ” he said .
“ But change is its motivator .
And change has its enemies.
” His recognition that gutsy , honest leadership is necessary to confront the wealthy interests and advance the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the most important Cabinet appointments President-elect Joe Biden will make : secretary of agriculture .
Calling this position important might surprise most people , for the media and all recent presidents ( including Jimmy Carter , Bill Clinton and Barack Obama ) have dismissed ag as a second-tier , low-visibility slot that essentially “ belongs ” to the giants of industrial agribusiness .
Thus , the ag secretary ’ s job has first and foremost been to keep these moneyed interests content and in charge , effectively handing control of food and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grossly enriched faraway corporate executives and absentee owners , but it ’ s been disastrous for farm families , small-town residents and rural vitality .
While the national media and their own government look the other way , a broad , multiracial diversity of millions of middle- and low-income rural families face economic and social devastation .
Not only are farmers being crushed by profiteering monopolies at all levels of ag ( from seeds to marketing ) but the larger rural community is also being run over by massive polluters and pipelines , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ other corporate extractors of rural wealth .
The result is a countryside beset by a surge of farm closures , joblessness , Main Street bankruptcies , creeping poverty , loss of health care services , weather calamities due to climate change , lack of broadband , out-migration of youth , COVID-19 , opioids , suicides … and a host of other biblical-level plagues .
Time for real change .
And the place to begin is with the U.S. Department of Agriculture .
Created in 1862 by then-President Abraham Lincoln to be what he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” this little-known agency has enormous tools and resources to restore fairness and opportunity across America ’ s countryside .
It has major anti-monopoly authority ; has its own banks ; controls huge rural development and housing programs ; runs the food stamp , school lunch and other nutrition programs ; has responsibility for food safety and pesticide regulations ; directs the Forest Service and numerous conservation , wildlife and other environmental policies ; has sweeping civil rights and labor rights responsibilities ; is mandated to serve consumers and the poor ; @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ; has some 100,000 employees and more than 4,500 offices across America and abroad ; and — most powerfully — has a secretary with broad authority to be a national advocate for the people against the corporate plutocracy now controlling policy .
In other words , ag secretary is a BIG office .
But tools only work if you use them .
Biden and Democratic leaders generally rightly promised to restore trust that our national government will serve the public interest rather than continuing policies that abet oligarchic power and increase inequality .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ promise .
Instead of recycling another old-line agribusiness acolyte into the USDA , President-elect Biden must be pushed to make a solid progressive choice for secretary of agriculture , someone unencumbered by financial or political ties to the status quo and willing to practice what the late Rep. John Lewis called getting into “ good trouble , necessary trouble.
” Given Biden ’ s comfort zone of don ’ t-rock-the-corporate-boat politics , we won ’ t get the sort of firebrand populist appointee people need in this office , but neither should we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ warmer .
If we can ’ t get a wholly transformative ag secretary , rural America and all who have a stake in a democratic food system should at least demand a legitimate reformer .
At minimum , the next secretary of agriculture must pledge to try to rally family farmers , food industry workers , consumers , rural communities , small business , urban neighborhoods and environmentalists in a common effort to break the corporate stranglehold and turn the USDA into the “ people ’ s department ” again .
I know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ millions of people are hurting ; whole communities are collapsing ; Biden ( not Sens .
Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren ) was elected president ; and accepting some progress only fuels the push and possibilities for fundamental change .

The job of secretary of agriculture in the past has first and foremost been to keep moneyed interests in charge.
Years ago, Robert Kennedy noted that making economic, political and social progress is hard because such advances require rejecting the same old business-as-usual policies that sustain the establishment’s profits and power. “‘Progress’ is the nice word,” he said. “But change is its motivator. And change has its enemies.”
His recognition that gutsy, honest leadership is necessary to confront the wealthy interests and advance the Common Good is directly applicable to one of the most important Cabinet appointments President-elect Joe Biden will make: secretary of agriculture.
Calling this position important might surprise most people, for the media and all recent presidents (including Jimmy Carter, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama) have dismissed ag as a second-tier, low-visibility slot that essentially “belongs” to the giants of industrial agribusiness. Thus, the ag secretary’s job has first and foremost been to keep these moneyed interests content and in charge, effectively handing control of food and rural policies to them.
This has grossly enriched faraway corporate executives and absentee owners, but it’s been disastrous for farm families, small-town residents and rural vitality. While the national media and their own government look the other way, a broad, multiracial diversity of millions of middle- and low-income rural families face economic and social devastation. Not only are farmers being crushed by profiteering monopolies at all levels of ag (from seeds to marketing) but the larger rural community is also being run over by massive polluters and pipelines, low-wage factories, predatory retail chains and other corporate extractors of rural wealth. The result is a countryside beset by a surge of farm closures, joblessness, Main Street bankruptcies, creeping poverty, loss of health care services, weather calamities due to climate change, lack of broadband, out-migration of youth, COVID-19, opioids, suicides … and a host of other biblical-level plagues.
Time for real change. And the place to begin is with the U.S. Department of Agriculture. Created in 1862 by then-President Abraham Lincoln to be what he called the “people’s department,” this little-known agency has enormous tools and resources to restore fairness and opportunity across America’s countryside. It has major anti-monopoly authority; has its own banks; controls huge rural development and housing programs; runs the food stamp, school lunch and other nutrition programs; has responsibility for food safety and pesticide regulations; directs the Forest Service and numerous conservation, wildlife and other environmental policies; has sweeping civil rights and labor rights responsibilities; is mandated to serve consumers and the poor; wields a $151 billion annual budget; has some 100,000 employees and more than 4,500 offices across America and abroad; and — most powerfully — has a secretary with broad authority to be a national advocate for the people against the corporate plutocracy now controlling policy.
In other words, ag secretary is a BIG office. But tools only work if you use them. Biden and Democratic leaders generally rightly promised to restore trust that our national government will serve the public interest rather than continuing policies that abet oligarchic power and increase inequality. Here is a clear test of that promise. Instead of recycling another old-line agribusiness acolyte into the USDA, President-elect Biden must be pushed to make a solid progressive choice for secretary of agriculture, someone unencumbered by financial or political ties to the status quo and willing to practice what the late Rep. John Lewis called getting into “good trouble, necessary trouble.”
Given Biden’s comfort zone of don’t-rock-the-corporate-boat politics, we won’t get the sort of firebrand populist appointee people need in this office, but neither should we accept just another lobbyist-approved, do-nothing seat warmer. If we can’t get a wholly transformative ag secretary, rural America and all who have a stake in a democratic food system should at least demand a legitimate reformer.
At minimum, the next secretary of agriculture must pledge to try to rally family farmers, food industry workers, consumers, rural communities, small business, urban neighborhoods and environmentalists in a common effort to break the corporate stranglehold and turn the USDA into the “people’s department” again.
I know this is a minimalist demand, but millions of people are hurting; whole communities are collapsing; Biden (not Sens. Bernie Sanders or Elizabeth Warren) was elected president; and accepting some progress only fuels the push and possibilities for fundamental change.