humortimes--2020-03-23--The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews His Mother, Maggie Duncan

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his mother , since he can ’ t get anyone else , due to the coronavirus shut-in .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Good morning listeners nationwide .
Is it a good morning ?
We ’ ll soon find out .
Today on the show my guest is my mother Maggie Duncan .
You heard me right .
I love you , Jerry .
Tell me that you love me back .
I have a show to do .
Should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ conversation ?
It ’ s up to you .
I won ’ t say a word .
The reason my mother is here is because of the coronavirus shut-in .
There ’ s no plane service to Alaska .
Thank you Donald Trump for calling the coronavirus a Democratic hoax .
That everything is under control .
And you needed to cut the staff of the CDC , because your wall was more important .
Since you ’ re a braggadocious jerk , why not call it the Trump coronavirus ?
You ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ getting goose bumps .
But on the other hand , you live in this dungy , old apartment .
There are cockroaches running across the floor and on the walls .
Go to Target and buy some roach traps .
I can ’ t .
Those are my pets .
May I say something about you ?
When Jerry was in high school , his grades were so bad that the teachers told me if they dropped below an F , they would have to go into the Dr. Seuss alphabet .
Fortunately @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Wasilla High with a D average .
I broke Sarah Palin ‘ s record .
I never laughed so hard in my life at graduation .
I hate to bring this up and it ’ s no big deal .
If it ’ s no big deal , then why bring it up ?
Because it bothers me .
I see a small spaghetti stain on your shirt .
Do you have telescopic vision ?
Don ’ t make fun of me .
I ’ m your mother .
I just want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up straight or you ’ re going to have osteoporosis like cousin Elmer .
Do you remember the joke we told about Elmer ?
Which one ?
There were so many .
Elmer ’ s so hunchback , he has to look up to tie his shoes .
I thought you were going to say Elmer is so hunchback , he keeps money in his ankle pocket .
I forgot about that one .
For years my friends bragged about their sons being a doctor , lawyer and accountant .
Yeah .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drugs .
The lawyer got disbarred for embezzlement and the accountant went to jail for tax evasion .
Does it get any better ?
You ’ re the most successful of the bunch .
Your mother loves you .
Always remember that , son .
Now about finding a nice girl to settle down with .
Not this again .
Mrs. Anderson has a niece that ’ s single .
Never been married .
Very pretty face .
Like you ’ re an Adonis .
Hey , I joined an exercise class .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ fabulous chopped liver .
I gained fifteen pounds .
Had no idea chopped liver was fattening .
Your father said I shouldn ’ t worry about gaining a few pounds .
Fat people are harder to kidnap .
Have you heard about the seafood diet ?
You see food and eat it .
I know .
My son the insult comedian .
Time to climb the wall .
The coronavirus shut-in and you are driving me nuts .
See you tomorrow .

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews his mother, since he can’t get anyone else, due to the coronavirus shut-in.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is my mother Maggie Duncan. You heard me right.
MAGGIE
I love you, Jerry. Tell me that you love me back.
JERRY
I have a show to do. Should I kill myself now or after this conversation?
MAGGIE
It’s up to you. I won’t say a word.
JERRY
The reason my mother is here is because of the coronavirus shut-in. There’s no plane service to Alaska. Thank you Donald Trump for calling the coronavirus a Democratic hoax. That everything is under control. And you needed to cut the staff of the CDC, because your wall was more important. Since you’re a braggadocious jerk, why not call it the Trump coronavirus?
MAGGIE
You’re so smart. I’m getting goose bumps. But on the other hand, you live in this dungy, old apartment. There are cockroaches running across the floor and on the walls. Go to Target and buy some roach traps.
JERRY
I can’t. Those are my pets.
MAGGIE
May I say something about you?
JERRY
No.
MAGGIE
It’s not bad. Really.
JERRY
Go ahead.
MAGGIE
When Jerry was in high school, his grades were so bad that the teachers told me if they dropped below an F, they would have to go into the Dr. Seuss alphabet.
JERRY
Fortunately for me, I was the valedictorian of Wasilla High with a D average. I broke Sarah Palin‘s record.
MAGGIE
I never laughed so hard in my life at graduation. I hate to bring this up and it’s no big deal.
JERRY
If it’s no big deal, then why bring it up?
MAGGIE
Because it bothers me. I see a small spaghetti stain on your shirt.
JERRY
Do you have telescopic vision?
MAGGIE
Don’t make fun of me. I’m your mother. I just want you to look nice. And sit up straight or you’re going to have osteoporosis like cousin Elmer.
JERRY
Yes, mother.
MAGGIE
Do you remember the joke we told about Elmer?
JERRY
Which one? There were so many.
MAGGIE
Elmer’s so hunchback, he has to look up to tie his shoes.
JERRY
I thought you were going to say Elmer is so hunchback, he keeps money in his ankle pocket.
MAGGIE
I forgot about that one.
MAGGIE
For years my friends bragged about their sons being a doctor, lawyer and accountant.
JERRY
Those nerds.
MAGGIE
Yeah. The doctor went to prison for prescribing illegal drugs. The lawyer got disbarred for embezzlement and the accountant went to jail for tax evasion. Does it get any better?
JERRY AND MAGGIE
Baha, baha. Boohoo, boohoo.
MAGGIE
You’re the most successful of the bunch. Your mother loves you. Always remember that, son. Now about finding a nice girl to settle down with.
JERRY
Not this again.
MAGGIE
Mrs. Anderson has a niece that’s single. Never been married. Very pretty face.
JERRY
Translation. Chubby and desperate.
MAGGIE
Like you’re an Adonis. Hey, I joined an exercise class. Mrs. Mandel had been giving me her fabulous chopped liver. I gained fifteen pounds.
JERRY
That’s bad.
MAGGIE
Had no idea chopped liver was fattening.
JERRY
I thought you knew everything.
MAGGIE
Your father said I shouldn’t worry about gaining a few pounds. Fat people are harder to kidnap.
JERRY
Have you heard about the seafood diet?
MAGGIE
No.
JERRY
You see food and eat it.
MAGGIE
Always with a smart remark.
JERRY
That’s how I make a living.
MAGGIE
I know. My son the insult comedian.
JERRY
Time to climb the wall. The coronavirus shut-in and you are driving me nuts. See you tomorrow.


humortimes--2020-03-24--My Pandemic Crystal Ball

My Pandemic Crystal Ball

Peer into my very unique crystal ball , and be forewarned about these future events !
The uncertainty surrounding the global outbreak of the COVID-19 virus has resulted in high levels of anxiety .
Luckily , I ’ ve been able to look into my pandemic crystal ball and thus can assure you about these upcoming future developments : It ’ s official : the 2020 Olympics are cancelled .
With that , every major sporting league and event has either been postponed or eliminated .
Fortunately , almost no one has taken notice since people quickly realized what an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ become and have filled the available time with cheaper and much more satisfying pastimes .
The U. S. federal government takes advantage of the huge drop in oil prices to top up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve .
The reserve is now at its maximum capacity of 727 million barrels .
Unfortunately , the Strategic Hand Sanitizer Reserve is currently almost totally depleted with little chance of replenishment any time soon .
Trading in Purell stocks has been suspended for the immediate future to forestall suspected profiteering .
Those who have stockpiled toilet paper @ @ @ @ @ @ @ products manufacturing facilities are ordered to convert to disinfectant wipes .
While the Dow Jones average threatens to drop fifty percent below its recent record level , toilet paper futures have gone through the roof .
Per roll pricing on the open market hits a new high of $ 10.56 for regular and $ 12.03 for three-ply .
As the COVID-19 pandemic enters its second cycle , President Trump signs a new regulation to change the virus ’ s name to OBAMA-16 .
“ He has to wear this , ” said Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one who attracted the virus by creating a pandemic directorate in the White House.
” Trump said he did what he could in 2018 by dismantling that directorate but , by then , it was too late .
President Trump announces his plan to amend the Constitution so it includes not only a minimum age of 35 to become President but also a maximum age of 75 .
Some have suggested that this move is a bit suspicious since Trump is 74 and his Democratic opponent Joe Biden is 77 but the President @ @ @ @ @ @ @ aiming this provision at anyone in particular but you have to admit that something ’ s not right with Sleepy Joe.
” As the stock market gives back not only all the gains made since January of 2017 but also many of the gains made under Obama , President Trump drafts legislation that would assign appropriate blame .
“ Obviously I was responsible for the tremendous growth in my first three plus years ” said Trump .
“ But Obama has to take the hit for the drop after that since the market @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since his administration.
” Although undetected by private and public agencies , the White House ’ s newly-created Office of Perpetual Pandemics warns of an incipient recurrence of the COVID-19 virus .
President Trump details the new outbreak and assures the American public that there is no cause for alarm although it will necessitate postponement of the upcoming presidential election .
“ Not to worry , ” says Trump .
“ I am prepared to stay on as your President for as long as it takes to defeat these Democratic pandemics .
”

Peer into my very unique crystal ball, and be forewarned about these future events!
The uncertainty surrounding the global outbreak of the COVID-19 virus has resulted in high levels of anxiety. Luckily, I’ve been able to look into my pandemic crystal ball and thus can assure you about these upcoming future developments:
March 25, 2020
It’s official: the 2020 Olympics are cancelled. With that, every major sporting league and event has either been postponed or eliminated. Fortunately, almost no one has taken notice since people quickly realized what an expensive waste of time professional sports had become and have filled the available time with cheaper and much more satisfying pastimes.
April 12, 2020
The U. S. federal government takes advantage of the huge drop in oil prices to top up the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. The reserve is now at its maximum capacity of 727 million barrels. Unfortunately, the Strategic Hand Sanitizer Reserve is currently almost totally depleted with little chance of replenishment any time soon. Trading in Purell stocks has been suspended for the immediate future to forestall suspected profiteering.
May 18, 2020
Those who have stockpiled toilet paper now have the last laugh as paper products manufacturing facilities are ordered to convert to disinfectant wipes. While the Dow Jones average threatens to drop fifty percent below its recent record level, toilet paper futures have gone through the roof. Per roll pricing on the open market hits a new high of $10.56 for regular and $12.03 for three-ply.
June 17, 2020
As the COVID-19 pandemic enters its second cycle, President Trump signs a new regulation to change the virus’s name to OBAMA-16. “He has to wear this,” said Trump, “since he’s the one who attracted the virus by creating a pandemic directorate in the White House.” Trump said he did what he could in 2018 by dismantling that directorate but, by then, it was too late.
August 1, 2020
President Trump announces his plan to amend the Constitution so it includes not only a minimum age of 35 to become President but also a maximum age of 75. Some have suggested that this move is a bit suspicious since Trump is 74 and his Democratic opponent Joe Biden is 77 but the President demurs: “I’m not aiming this provision at anyone in particular but you have to admit that something’s not right with Sleepy Joe.”
September 26, 2020
As the stock market gives back not only all the gains made since January of 2017 but also many of the gains made under Obama, President Trump drafts legislation that would assign appropriate blame. “Obviously I was responsible for the tremendous growth in my first three plus years” said Trump. “But Obama has to take the hit for the drop after that since the market fell right back to levels not seen since his administration.”
October 31, 2020
Although undetected by private and public agencies, the White House’s newly-created Office of Perpetual Pandemics warns of an incipient recurrence of the COVID-19 virus. President Trump details the new outbreak and assures the American public that there is no cause for alarm although it will necessitate postponement of the upcoming presidential election. “Not to worry,” says Trump. “I am prepared to stay on as your President for as long as it takes to defeat these Democratic pandemics.”


humortimes--2020-03-24--Funnies Farrago Review: Two Books of ‘Editoons’

“ Editoons ” — editorial cartoons , the best vehicle for political satire !
IT ’ S A TOUGH TIME for editorial cartoonists : with the White House occupant being the Clown in Chief , it ’ s difficult to come up with anything highly comical that he hasn ’ t already done to excess .
But a couple new collections of editorial cartoons ( “ editoons ” ) prove ready-and-able .
Front Lines : Political Cartooning and the Battle for Free Speech ( 102 8×8-inch pages , b/w and color ; 2019 , $ 15 ) is now available @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2019 Billy Ireland Cartoon Library & Museum exhibit of the same name , the book features lots of cartoons , and essays by Joel Pett , Lucy Caswell , Roslyn Mazer , Rob Rogers and Matt Wuerker .
[ Joel Pett and Rob Rogers are regulars in the Humor Times monthly magazine !
– Ed . ]
Editoonist Pett sets the scene early in his Introduction : “ Nothing piques my interest like a human with minimal respect for authority , a skewed attitude and jaundiced outlook that they just can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ does of derision and a dash of artistic flair.
” In other words , an editorial cartoonist .
Caswell quickly covers the history of political cartooning in America , and Mazer rehearses the Supreme Court case Hustler v Falwell in which a pornographer ’ s ridicule of a so-called preacher was allowed to stand in the name of free speech .
And Rogers remembers his being fired for doing too many cartoons critical of the Trumpet .
Near here , more samples of the hard-hitting content .
Wuerker writes : “ The political @ @ @ @ @ @ @ radically changing media landscape .
Our long-held and once secure perch on the traditional daily newspaper is slowly succumbing to the rising sea of digital noise .
The business model of newspapers — news printed on newsprint that is paid for by a combination of subscription and advertising — is a thing of the past .
Every year we see more and more newspapers sink beneath the waves , taking with them the position of the local editorial cartoonist .
“ Economic changes aren ’ t the only thing making political cartoonists an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the powerful doing their best to shut down those who ridicule them continues .
Cartoonists lucky enough to work in the U.S. are shielded from the good old-fashioned forms of intimidation found in so many countries around the world .
Our government doesn ’ t jail us or send thugs out to intimidate us like they do in places like China , Turkey , Venezuela , Nicaragua and the like .
But there are other ways to choke off dissent and constrain pesky cartoonists as well as free speech in general.
” To @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an undeniable case for freedom of speech and press being essential to democracy .
That seems so obvious .
Why , then , are editoonists a vanishing breed ?
Their voices are loudest and more pointed , their visual comment understood by even those who can not read or write .
Without their voices , how close are we to letting democracy slip out of our hands ?
If you want a copy of this book , it is available only from Wuerker .
Send your check for $ 15 made out to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Street NW , Washington , D.C. 20008 ; free shipping & handling .
Supplies , they tell me , are limited .
The Trump Years : This Is the End by Patrick Chappette ( 112 7×10-inch landscape pages , b/w ; 2020 Globe Cartoon , $ 16.95 ) is a collection of Chappette ’ s last cartoons from the New York Times , which , prompted by an editorial gaffe with a bad taste cartoon ( not Chappette ’ s ) , decided to avoid all future criticisms by ending altogether its use @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And so Chappette lost his prestigious outlet .
Contents are divided into two chapters — “ Trumpland ” and “ The Rest of the ( Trump ) World.
” The book includes the essay Chappette wrote in June 2019 about the Times ’ short-sightedness , “ The End of Political Cartoons at the New York Times.
” In his Foreword , Joseph E. Stiglitz ( recipient of the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences ) writes : “ How could the U.S. — a country heralded as the leader of the free world @ @ @ @ @ @ @ openly racist , bigoted , and misogynistic with a predilection for authoritarian leaders and a seeming disdain for democratic values and institutions , including a free press ?
… To many Americans , every day was anguish , and the only salve for our pain was Chappatte ’ s cartoons.
” Nearby is a sample of Chappette .
The book has been described as “ a witty , savage , and thought-provoking testimony of a dizzying world , ” continuing , “ In this era of strongmen , closing borders and selfie narcissists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Especially the humor of editoonists like Chappette , who ’ s been committing editoons on the international stage for 20 years .

“Editoons” — editorial cartoons, the best vehicle for political satire!
IT’S A TOUGH TIME for editorial cartoonists: with the White House occupant being the Clown in Chief, it’s difficult to come up with anything highly comical that he hasn’t already done to excess. But a couple new collections of editorial cartoons (“editoons”) prove ready-and-able.
Front Lines: Political Cartooning and the Battle for Free Speech (102 8×8-inch pages, b/w and color; 2019, $15) is now available. Published as a companion to the 2019 Billy Ireland Cartoon Library & Museum exhibit of the same name, the book features lots of cartoons, and essays by Joel Pett, Lucy Caswell, Roslyn Mazer, Rob Rogers and Matt Wuerker. [Joel Pett and Rob Rogers are regulars in the Humor Times monthly magazine! – Ed.]
Editoonist Pett sets the scene early in his Introduction: “Nothing piques my interest like a human with minimal respect for authority, a skewed attitude and jaundiced outlook that they just can’t help sharing, preferably with a healthy does of derision and a dash of artistic flair.” In other words, an editorial cartoonist.
Caswell quickly covers the history of political cartooning in America, and Mazer rehearses the Supreme Court case Hustler v Falwell in which a pornographer’s ridicule of a so-called preacher was allowed to stand in the name of free speech. And Rogers remembers his being fired for doing too many cartoons critical of the Trumpet. Near here, more samples of the hard-hitting content.
Wuerker writes: “The political cartoonists of today are working in a radically changing media landscape. Our long-held and once secure perch on the traditional daily newspaper is slowly succumbing to the rising sea of digital noise. The business model of newspapers — news printed on newsprint that is paid for by a combination of subscription and advertising — is a thing of the past. Every year we see more and more newspapers sink beneath the waves, taking with them the position of the local editorial cartoonist.
“Economic changes aren’t the only thing making political cartoonists an endangered species. The traditional dynamic of the powerful doing their best to shut down those who ridicule them continues. Cartoonists lucky enough to work in the U.S. are shielded from the good old-fashioned forms of intimidation found in so many countries around the world. Our government doesn’t jail us or send thugs out to intimidate us like they do in places like China, Turkey, Venezuela, Nicaragua and the like. But there are other ways to choke off dissent and constrain pesky cartoonists as well as free speech in general.”
To a person, the editoonists herein make an undeniable case for freedom of speech and press being essential to democracy. That seems so obvious. Why, then, are editoonists a vanishing breed? Their voices are loudest and more pointed, their visual comment understood by even those who cannot read or write. Without their voices, how close are we to letting democracy slip out of our hands?
If you want a copy of this book, it is available only from Wuerker. Send your check for $15 made out to Matt Wuerker to him at 2846 28th Street NW, Washington, D.C. 20008; free shipping & handling. Supplies, they tell me, are limited.
The Trump Years: This Is the End by Patrick Chappette (112 7×10-inch landscape pages, b/w; 2020 Globe Cartoon, $16.95) is a collection of Chappette’s last cartoons from the New York Times, which, prompted by an editorial gaffe with a bad taste cartoon (not Chappette’s), decided to avoid all future criticisms by ending altogether its use of cartoons in its international edition. And so Chappette lost his prestigious outlet.
Contents are divided into two chapters — “Trumpland” and “The Rest of the (Trump) World.” The book includes the essay Chappette wrote in June 2019 about the Times’ short-sightedness, “The End of Political Cartoons at the New York Times.”
In his Foreword, Joseph E. Stiglitz (recipient of the Nobel Memorial Prize in Economic Sciences) writes:
“How could the U.S. — a country heralded as the leader of the free world — have chosen a leader who was openly racist, bigoted, and misogynistic with a predilection for authoritarian leaders and a seeming disdain for democratic values and institutions, including a free press? … To many Americans, every day was anguish, and the only salve for our pain was Chappatte’s cartoons.” Nearby is a sample of Chappette.
The book has been described as “a witty, savage, and thought-provoking testimony of a dizzying world,” continuing, “In this era of strongmen, closing borders and selfie narcissists, humor is needed more than ever.” Especially the humor of editoonists like Chappette, who’s been committing editoons on the international stage for 20 years.


humortimes--2020-03-26--Exclusive Report: Sixties Dance Craze Can Cure Coronavirus

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
In an SNN ( Slobovian News Network ) Exclusive Report , it has been announced that the coronavirus can be cured by doing the popular sixties dance craze , the Twist .
This was recently discovered by Dr. Buncha Krappski , head of the Slobovian National Health Foundation .
He says that a patient who twisted for approximately 60 hours rid themselves of any previous virus symptoms .
Dr. Krappski noted the dance must be done to the original @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ballard and The Midnighters .
In clinical trials , the more popular version by Chubby Checker did not seem to produce the same results .
In fact , some patients who danced to the Checker Twist complained of having onsets of Liver Chafing .
The doctor also warned that participants must dance six feet apart until they are cured .
In addition , Dr. Krappski , along with Dr.Vilma Schmellesbadde of the SBA ( Slobovian Boogaloo Association ) , report that many a sixties dance craze can cure common human ailments .
Specifically @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and the diseases that they can cure : Dr. Krappski also said that watching reruns of American Bandstand eases dementia .

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
SNN reports stunning discovery: Sixties dance craze can cure a variety of diseases, including COVID-19.
In an SNN (Slobovian News Network) Exclusive Report, it has been announced that the coronavirus can be cured by doing the popular sixties dance craze, the Twist.
This was recently discovered by Dr. Buncha Krappski, head of the Slobovian National Health Foundation. He says that a patient who twisted for approximately 60 hours rid themselves of any previous virus symptoms.
Dr. Krappski noted the dance must be done to the original version of the Twist, by Hank Ballard and The Midnighters. In clinical trials, the more popular version by Chubby Checker did not seem to produce the same results. In fact, some patients who danced to the Checker Twist complained of having onsets of Liver Chafing.
The doctor also warned that participants must dance six feet apart until they are cured.
In addition, Dr. Krappski, along with Dr.Vilma Schmellesbadde of the SBA (Slobovian Boogaloo Association), report that many a sixties dance craze can cure common human ailments. Specifically, they produced this list of dances and the diseases that they can cure:
The Locomotion: Obesity
The Watusi: Diabetes
The Boogaloo: AIDS
The Frug: Psoriasis
The Monkey: Strep Throat
The Pony: Arthritis
The Hitch Hiker: Acne
The Fly: High blood pressure
The Camel Walk: Ingrown toenail
The Wobble: Jock itch
The Humpback: VD
The Dog: Constipation
The Harlem Shuffle: Scabies
The Mashed Potatoes: Dandruff
The Swim: Toothache
The Hully Gully: Nearsightedness
The Jerk: Common headache
The Monster Mash: Migraine headache
The Madison: Diverticulitis
The James Brown: Bipolar Disorder
Dr. Krappski also said that watching reruns of American Bandstand eases dementia.


humortimes--2020-03-26--Pandemic Profiteers, Trump and Peter Cottontail

Trump and the Republican Senate are enabling pandemic profiteers , at everyone ’ s expense .
Wartime profiteering is an especially vile form of corporate greed , yet it has been as common in our country as war itself .
Now here come the pandemic profiteers .
During the American Revolution , assorted corrupt merchants and traders lined their pockets by controlling the supply and jacking up the prices of various goods they sold to the Continental Army and the general public .
Often , though , feisty colonials struck back at the gougers .
In 1777 , for example @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be hoarding imports of coffee and sugar to create an artificial shortage so he could charge the area ’ s families exorbitant prices , a band of enraged Beantown women took matters into their own hands .
They beat up the guy and confiscated his stock !
We could use a roving gang of indignant citizens today to confront the shameful greed of such corporate scammers as Boeing , American Airlines and Marriott , as well as such billionaire hucksters as Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk .
They are among a new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Washington , shoving aside millions of workers , small businesses , poor people , students , nonprofits , farmers , cities and all other devastated victims of the COVID-19 crisis , demanding that corporations be first in line for a massive government rescue .
Take Boeing .
Please !
Already disgraced as a death-plane producer , its lobbyists brazenly swarmed into the White House and Congress , pleading for $ 60 billion from taxpayers to protect its profits .
Rather than booting Boeing and other uber-rich panhandlers out the public door , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ obsequiously soothed the fevered brows of these champions of socialist capitalism with a half-trillion-dollar handout of the people ’ s money .
Which corporations would be favored ?
No telling .
How much would each get ?
We ’ ll tell you later , maybe .
What ’ s the criteria ?
Don ’ t ask .
What about the workers and suppliers ?
Let them apply for food stamps .
Aren ’ t you cutting food stamps ?
Shhhhh .
Luckily , enough Democrats had enough moral fortitude to block some of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ 500 billion corporate boondoggle , but the greedy , profiteering giants should not be given a single dime until the real and urgent needs of the people are met .
Profiteers should be last in line… or turned over to descendants of those Boston women from 1777 .
Meanwhile , glorious news about the coronavirus crisis itself !
The renowned professor of pandemicology , Dr. Donald Trump , has found a magical medical antidote for the disease that had eluded lesser scientists : The Peter Cottontail Solution .
While sitting in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ town hall , the resident White House pandemicologist said that it suddenly dawned on him that , hippity-hoppity , Easter ’ s on its way !
So , he went on to declare that he was ready to lift all those pesky health restrictions and “ have the country opened up ” by Easter , just two and a half weeks away .
Would our public health crisis be over then ?
Dr. Trump said he didn ’ t worry about such factual details .
He explained to the Fox audience , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , ” noting that all of the nation ’ s churches could fill up on that Sunday , bringing people together in celebration of his reawakening of the moribund economy .
But wouldn ’ t such a holy mass gathering actually reinvigorate the diabolical COVID-19 pathogen , spreading its destruction further , deeper and longer ?
Sure , said the good doctor .
“ You are going to lose a number of people , ” he said .
But Wall Street and Corporate America are crippled by employees ’ staying home , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to work.
” This rallying cry for workers to pump up the sagging stock market by promptly returning to their offices and factories amounts to a crass “ Die for the Dow ” ethic espoused by Wall Street barons and billionaires .
Of course , for the cold inhumanity of such a dreadful policy idea to be made clear , it needs to be officially embraced as “ Texas Stupid.
” Sure enough , one of my state ’ s right-wing politicos , Lt. Gov .
Dan Patrick , lunged into the national @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one-up Trump .
He blathered that returning America to full economic throttle pronto is worth sacrificing the lives of “ those of us who are 70-plus ” years old .
“ Let ’ s be smart about it , ” Lt. Dan added , thus demonstrating to millions that he and this idea are even dumber than a dust bunny .

Trump and the Republican Senate are enabling pandemic profiteers, at everyone’s expense.
Wartime profiteering is an especially vile form of corporate greed, yet it has been as common in our country as war itself. Now here come the pandemic profiteers.
During the American Revolution, assorted corrupt merchants and traders lined their pockets by controlling the supply and jacking up the prices of various goods they sold to the Continental Army and the general public. Often, though, feisty colonials struck back at the gougers. In 1777, for example, when a Boston merchant was found to be hoarding imports of coffee and sugar to create an artificial shortage so he could charge the area’s families exorbitant prices, a band of enraged Beantown women took matters into their own hands. They beat up the guy and confiscated his stock!
We could use a roving gang of indignant citizens today to confront the shameful greed of such corporate scammers as Boeing, American Airlines and Marriott, as well as such billionaire hucksters as Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk. They are among a new breed of pandemic profiteers that have rushed to Washington, shoving aside millions of workers, small businesses, poor people, students, nonprofits, farmers, cities and all other devastated victims of the COVID-19 crisis, demanding that corporations be first in line for a massive government rescue.
Take Boeing. Please! Already disgraced as a death-plane producer, its lobbyists brazenly swarmed into the White House and Congress, pleading for $60 billion from taxpayers to protect its profits. Rather than booting Boeing and other uber-rich panhandlers out the public door, President Donald Trump and GOP Congress critters obsequiously soothed the fevered brows of these champions of socialist capitalism with a half-trillion-dollar handout of the people’s money.
Which corporations would be favored? No telling. How much would each get? We’ll tell you later, maybe. What’s the criteria? Don’t ask. What about the workers and suppliers? Let them apply for food stamps. Aren’t you cutting food stamps? Shhhhh.
Luckily, enough Democrats had enough moral fortitude to block some of the grossest giveaways in the Republicans’ $500 billion corporate boondoggle, but the greedy, profiteering giants should not be given a single dime until the real and urgent needs of the people are met. Profiteers should be last in line… or turned over to descendants of those Boston women from 1777.
Meanwhile, glorious news about the coronavirus crisis itself! The renowned professor of pandemicology, Dr. Donald Trump, has found a magical medical antidote for the disease that had eluded lesser scientists: The Peter Cottontail Solution.
While sitting in the Rose Garden for a virtual Fox News town hall, the resident White House pandemicologist said that it suddenly dawned on him that, hippity-hoppity, Easter’s on its way! So, he went on to declare that he was ready to lift all those pesky health restrictions and “have the country opened up” by Easter, just two and a half weeks away.
Would our public health crisis be over then? Dr. Trump said he didn’t worry about such factual details. He explained to the Fox audience, “I just thought it was a beautiful time,” noting that all of the nation’s churches could fill up on that Sunday, bringing people together in celebration of his reawakening of the moribund economy.
But wouldn’t such a holy mass gathering actually reinvigorate the diabolical COVID-19 pathogen, spreading its destruction further, deeper and longer? Sure, said the good doctor. “You are going to lose a number of people,” he said. But Wall Street and Corporate America are crippled by employees’ staying home, so “We have to get back to work.” This rallying cry for workers to pump up the sagging stock market by promptly returning to their offices and factories amounts to a crass “Die for the Dow” ethic espoused by Wall Street barons and billionaires.
Of course, for the cold inhumanity of such a dreadful policy idea to be made clear, it needs to be officially embraced as “Texas Stupid.” Sure enough, one of my state’s right-wing politicos, Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick, lunged into the national spotlight of Fox News Tuesday night to one-up Trump. He blathered that returning America to full economic throttle pronto is worth sacrificing the lives of “those of us who are 70-plus” years old. “Let’s be smart about it,” Lt. Dan added, thus demonstrating to millions that he and this idea are even dumber than a dust bunny.


humortimes--2020-03-26--The (Satirical) Trump Overthrow Coup!

The (Satirical) Trump Overthrow Coup!

The cooped-up American people have spoken & Mitch McConnell has responded !
Listen in as he and his cohorts plan a Trump overthrow !
When our Savior , Dr. Anthony Fauci covered his face & wiped his brow in the White House Press Room – Mitch McConnell saw the writing on the wall… …his Senators must take Trump to an undisclosed location & gag him – but how ?
Gathered together in the bowels of the Capitol ; sweaty women & men ( well , not Jim Jordan ) pitched ideas after Mitch finally prostrated himself .
With hat in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let Trump get away with more than we bargained for & now we must make amends – are you with me ’ ?
JIM JORDAN – ‘ I don ’ t know boss – he could be right , the Coronavirus could be caused by Windmills ’ !
STEVEN MNUCHIN – ‘ I ’ m confused – my wife wants to know if she ’ ll still get the $ 1,000 Stimulus Check ’ !
SUSAN COLLINS – ‘ Whatever you say , Mitch – I ’ ll be over by the Potted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ LISA MURKOWSKI – ‘ Susan ’ s such a slouch – whereas I ’ ve read every Rally Speech & I ’ m still not sure we should do this ’ !
KELLY LOEFFLER – ‘ Could you make this quick ; I have the last flight to Tahiti in 10 minutes ’ !
RICHARD BURR – ‘ Damn , I was this close to getting on that flight to Tahiti ’ !
JOHN KENNEDY – ‘ I ’ m torn because I ’ m on that Chloroquine anti-malaria drug for my arthritis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ GRAHAM – ‘ I ’ ll have more of an idea after my next 8 holes at Mar-a-Lago ’ !
MIKE POMPEO – ‘ I ’ m on the fence with this – my Frequent Flyer Miles are just about to roll over to Platinum ’ !
TED CRUZ – ‘ The way we do it in Texas is shoot first & ask questions later – let ’ s go ’ !
WILLIAM BARR – ‘ Why not just get a new Immune guy ’ !

The cooped-up American people have spoken & Mitch McConnell has responded! Listen in as he and his cohorts plan a Trump overthrow!
When our Savior, Dr. Anthony Fauci covered his face & wiped his brow in the White House Press Room – Mitch McConnell saw the writing on the wall…
…his Senators must take Trump to an undisclosed location & gag him – but how?
Gathered together in the bowels of the Capitol; sweaty women & men (well, not Jim Jordan) pitched ideas after Mitch finally prostrated himself.
With hat in hand, Mitch bellowed, ‘We let Trump get away with more than we bargained for & now we must make amends – are you with me’?
JIM JORDAN – ‘I don’t know boss – he could be right, the Coronavirus could be caused by Windmills’!
STEVEN MNUCHIN – ‘I’m confused – my wife wants to know if she’ll still get the $1,000 Stimulus Check’!
SUSAN COLLINS – ‘Whatever you say, Mitch – I’ll be over by the Potted Plant if you need me’!
LISA MURKOWSKI – ‘Susan’s such a slouch – whereas I’ve read every Rally Speech & I’m still not sure we should do this’!
KELLY LOEFFLER – ‘Could you make this quick; I have the last flight to Tahiti in 10 minutes’!
RICHARD BURR – ‘Damn, I was this close to getting on that flight to Tahiti’!
JOHN KENNEDY – ‘I’m torn because I’m on that Chloroquine anti-malaria drug for my arthritis & feel pretty good’!
LINDSEY GRAHAM – ‘I’ll have more of an idea after my next 8 holes at Mar-a-Lago’!
MIKE POMPEO – ‘I’m on the fence with this – my Frequent Flyer Miles are just about to roll over to Platinum’!
TED CRUZ – ‘The way we do it in Texas is shoot first & ask questions later – let’s go’!
SARAH HUCKABEE SANDERS – ‘Where do I sign’?
DEVIN NUNES – ‘Let’s creep up on him’!
WILLIAM BARR – ‘Why not just get a new Immune guy’!
KEVIN McCARTHY – ‘Sorry Boss – I’ll be coloring eggs for ‘Trump’s Virus-Finale Easter Parade’!


humortimes--2020-04-18--Home Alone – Trapped in My House!

Home Alone – Trapped in My House!

Home alone for the Coronavirus pandemic .
What to do ?
Last month I had a terrible nightmare .
I dreamed that I was home alone and I was being forced to shelter in place .
But when I woke up I realized that the nightmare had evolved into a daymare .
It has been going on for over a month now with no end in sight .
My home may be my castle , but right now the drawbridge is in the upright and locked position .
At first it wasn ’ t so bad , like Kevin McCallister @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rubbish on TV .
Most people were at home doing the same thing .
Except for the heroes who are still providing essential services , it is what we are supposed to be doing .
It ’ s our job now .
TV has become my life .
I started binge watching some of my favorite movies including ; The Martian , The Shining , Cast Away and Robinson Crusoe .
But for some reason I started feeling very lonely .
I began wallowing in self-pity until I realized that this solitary confinement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we are not stuck alone on Mars like Matt Damon or trapped in the Overlook Hotel with an insane Jack Nicholson .
And we aren ’ t stranded on a desert island like Tom Hanks or Robinson Crusoe , although they did have an ocean view while we aren ’ t even allowed on beaches .
Fortunately we are permitted to drive to the store .
So I have plenty of milk , eggs and fabric softener .
And luckily my home state realized that liquor stores provide essential services .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the American people have come to realize just how essential liquor stores really are .
Just think , it was only a month ago that drinking alone in your house was frowned upon whereas now… .
There are actually some advantages to our current plight .
For one , we don ’ t have to clean our homes since we no longer have guests .
Some people say it ’ s a shame that no one visits because their houses have never been cleaner .
But I don ’ t believe anyone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ They may not even be bathing .
But there is no way of knowing since we can ’ t get within six feet of anybody .
Personally , I can ’ t even remember how to turn the vacuum cleaner on and I haven ’ t done laundry in weeks .
One nice thing is that since all of the gyms are closed , we can avoid all forms of exercise without feeling any guilt .
Instead we can spend the day lying on the couch binge watching Tiger King and Ozark or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Another positive for many is that they don ’ t have to go to the office , so they can avoid all their annoying co-workers like the slick talkers in Sales , the drama queens in Marketing , the misers in Accounting and the holier-than- thou guys in Human Resources .
Sure some may have to work from home but that can be done in your bathrobe while eating bonbons and sipping wine .
And while being home alone is no picnic we are safer than the brave men and women who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ provide the rest of us with the healthcare , food , toilet paper , beer and wine that we so desperately need .
Hopefully this crisis will end soon and we can all get back out into the world because , as the cast away Chuck Noland ( Tom Hanks ) said , “ The most beautiful thing in the world is , of course , the world itself.
” By the way , I ’ m not really home alone .
I ’ m trapped in my house with my wonderful wife @ @ @ @ @ @ @ haven ’ t killed each other yet though I sense she has begun plotting my demise .
Maybe she just hasn ’ t decided on her weapon of choice .

Home alone for the Coronavirus pandemic. What to do?
Last month I had a terrible nightmare. I dreamed that I was home alone and I was being forced to shelter in place. But when I woke up I realized that the nightmare had evolved into a daymare. It has been going on for over a month now with no end in sight. My home may be my castle, but right now the drawbridge is in the upright and locked position.
At first it wasn’t so bad, like Kevin McCallister I enjoyed eating junk food and watching rubbish on TV. Most people were at home doing the same thing. Except for the heroes who are still providing essential services, it is what we are supposed to be doing. It’s our job now.
TV has become my life. I started binge watching some of my favorite movies including; The Martian, The Shining, Cast Away and Robinson Crusoe. But for some reason I started feeling very lonely. I began wallowing in self-pity until I realized that this solitary confinement could be far worse.
After all, we are not stuck alone on Mars like Matt Damon or trapped in the Overlook Hotel with an insane Jack Nicholson. And we aren’t stranded on a desert island like Tom Hanks or Robinson Crusoe, although they did have an ocean view while we aren’t even allowed on beaches.
Fortunately we are permitted to drive to the store. So I have plenty of milk, eggs and fabric softener. And luckily my home state realized that liquor stores provide essential services. I think that, because of this crisis, the American people have come to realize just how essential liquor stores really are. Just think, it was only a month ago that drinking alone in your house was frowned upon whereas now….
There are actually some advantages to our current plight. For one, we don’t have to clean our homes since we no longer have guests. Some people say it’s a shame that no one visits because their houses have never been cleaner. But I don’t believe anyone is actually doing any house cleaning. They may not even be bathing. But there is no way of knowing since we can’t get within six feet of anybody. Personally, I can’t even remember how to turn the vacuum cleaner on and I haven’t done laundry in weeks.
One nice thing is that since all of the gyms are closed, we can avoid all forms of exercise without feeling any guilt. Instead we can spend the day lying on the couch binge watching Tiger King and Ozark or annoying friends on Facebook with political posts.
Another positive for many is that they don’t have to go to the office, so they can avoid all their annoying co-workers like the slick talkers in Sales, the drama queens in Marketing, the misers in Accounting and the holier-than- thou guys in Human Resources. Sure some may have to work from home but that can be done in your bathrobe while eating bonbons and sipping wine.
And while being home alone is no picnic we are safer than the brave men and women who are going to work every day to provide the rest of us with the healthcare, food, toilet paper, beer and wine that we so desperately need.
Hopefully this crisis will end soon and we can all get back out into the world because, as the cast away Chuck Noland (Tom Hanks) said, “The most beautiful thing in the world is, of course, the world itself.”
By the way, I’m not really home alone. I’m trapped in my house with my wonderful wife. The good news is that we haven’t killed each other yet though I sense she has begun plotting my demise. Maybe she just hasn’t decided on her weapon of choice.
Take Care and Stay Safe.


WHO’s to Blame?

Mike Pence : Mr. President , I understand you ’ re looking to blame someone for this crazy pandemic .
Mike Pence : Well , then , who ’ s to blame ?
Donald Trump : Yes , exactly .
WHO ’ s to blame .
Mike Pence : That ’ s what I ’ m trying to help you with .
Clearly someone is at fault and we ’ ve got ta figure out who .
Donald Trump : We know it was WHO .
The question is how .
Mike Pence : I ’ m not following you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who did it , we can ’ t figure out how .
Donald Trump : Sometimes you ’ re as dumb as Eric , Mike .
I told you ; WHO is to blame .
W-H-O .
Who .
Mike Pence : Well , as I recall , you ’ ve often blamed Obama .
Is he the one responsible ?
Donald Trump : Of course he shares the blame but WHO bears the most responsibility .
Mike Pence : I don ’ t know sir .
What about Hillary ?
Is she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , both her and Xi could be behind this .
But WHO for sure .
Mike Pence : Maybe you ’ re thinking of China .
Are they to blame ?
Donald Trump : Obviously , Mike , but WHO is the worst .
Mike Pence : I thought you always said the Democrats were the worst .
Maybe we should blame the Dems .
Donald Trump : That ’ s a no-brainer , Mike , but WHO has to take the lion ’ s share of the blame .
Mike Pence : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mr. President .
I ’ ll try to think outside of the box .
Maybe it has something to do with Putin ?
Donald Trump : Something you put in a box ?
What kind of nonsense is that , Mike ?
Mike Pence : No , your friend from Russia , Putin .
Donald Trump : I don ’ t have a Russian friend to put in a box .
What the hell are you talking about ?
Mike Pence : Well maybe it was that guy up north , Justin .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s just in ?
Mike Pence : No , sir , I hate to correct you but it should be who ’ s Justin .
Donald Trump : Yes , obviously .
WHO ’ s just in as the prime candidate .
Don ’ t take this the wrong way , Mike , but you can be awfully thick sometimes .
Mike Pence : OK , let me just make one more suggestion .
As for someone to blame , could it be Sessions ?
Donald Trump : You mean the sessions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ possibility but I think the governors are a better choice .
But if you want a prime candidate at fault then I still say it ’ s WHO .
Mike Pence : I give up , Mr. President .
If we keep going , I will be at a loss .
Donald Trump : Maybe you ’ re right , Mike .
Maybe we should blame Wilbur Ross or Betsy DeVos or…… .

A recent meeting in the Oval Office:
Mike Pence: Mr. President, I understand you’re looking to blame someone for this crazy pandemic.
Donald Trump: That’s right, Mike.
Mike Pence: Well, then, who’s to blame?
Donald Trump: Yes, exactly. WHO’s to blame.
Mike Pence: That’s what I’m trying to help you with. Clearly someone is at fault and we’ve gotta figure out who.
Donald Trump: We know it was WHO. The question is how.
Mike Pence: I’m not following you, Mr. President. Until we know who did it, we can’t figure out how.
Donald Trump: Sometimes you’re as dumb as Eric, Mike. I told you; WHO is to blame. W-H-O. Who.
Mike Pence: Well, as I recall, you’ve often blamed Obama. Is he the one responsible?
Donald Trump: Of course he shares the blame but WHO bears the most responsibility.
Mike Pence: I don’t know sir. What about Hillary? Is she to blame?
Donald Trump: Sure, both her and Xi could be behind this. But WHO for sure.
Mike Pence: Maybe you’re thinking of China. Are they to blame?
Donald Trump: Obviously, Mike, but WHO is the worst.
Mike Pence: I thought you always said the Democrats were the worst. Maybe we should blame the Dems.
Donald Trump: That’s a no-brainer, Mike, but WHO has to take the lion’s share of the blame.
Mike Pence: I’m not following you, Mr. President. I’ll try to think outside of the box. Maybe it has something to do with Putin?
Donald Trump: Something you put in a box? What kind of nonsense is that, Mike?
Mike Pence: No, your friend from Russia, Putin.
Donald Trump: I don’t have a Russian friend to put in a box. What the hell are you talking about?
Mike Pence: Well maybe it was that guy up north, Justin.
Donald Trump: Just in? What’s just in?
Mike Pence: No, sir, I hate to correct you but it should be who’s Justin.
Donald Trump: Yes, obviously. WHO’s just in as the prime candidate. Don’t take this the wrong way, Mike, but you can be awfully thick sometimes.
Mike Pence: OK, let me just make one more suggestion. As for someone to blame, could it be Sessions?
Donald Trump: You mean the sessions of Congress? That’s a possibility but I think the governors are a better choice. But if you want a prime candidate at fault then I still say it’s WHO.
Mike Pence: I give up, Mr. President. If we keep going, I will be at a loss.
Donald Trump: Maybe you’re right, Mike. Maybe we should blame Wilbur Ross or Betsy DeVos or…….
Mike Pence: Goodnight, Mr. President.


humortimes--2020-04-18--The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Act 1

The Jerry Duncan Show Play: Act 1

Its New York City run may have been cut short by the pandemic , but you can now read The Jerry Duncan Show play , right here !
Enjoy the first act .
You will be able to read the script from my play The Jerry Duncan Show that opened in New York City , March 5 , 2020 and had to close the day Broadway shutdown due to the coronavirus .
The play received an outstanding review in Broadway World .
There will be pages published twice a week for the next 6 weeks .
If you miss a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Jerry Duncan Show .
Written by Dean B. Kaner The Jerry Duncan Show ( c ) Dean B. Kaner Jerry Duncan , 38 , sits on a chair in his apartment listening to the television .
His horn rimmed glasses are on the end of his nose .
He is wearing an oversized robe and slippers .
There are beer cans crumpled up and letters strewn around the floor .
CNN panelists on a political talk show can be heard in the background having a round table discussion .
The stage is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the apartment and stage right is the radio station .
There is a large screen on stage right that guests are behind during the interviews .
They are visible as silhouettes .
A radio console and microphone sit on a table .
Sorry about your mother passing away .
Old news .
Give me the rest .
The intern hands him a stack .
Jerry selects a few letters .
When are jerks like you going to get it through your thick skull that there was no collusion or obstruction by the president @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Mueller Report .
I ’ m sick and tired of hearing your lies .
Crumples up the letter and tosses it on the floor .
Take this down .
You are an idiot .
Trump ’ s frickin son was taking a meeting with a Russian lawyer who worked for Putin .
It ’ s called collusion .
I ’ m 11 years old and listen to your show when my mom drives me to school .
I get mad , because she turns down the sound when you say bad words @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to hear much .
I laugh when you make fun of everyone .
Is there a kids version of your show ?
The intern brings the recorder close to Jerry ’ s face .
Kids version ?
When I was your age , I was reading my old man ’ s Playboy magazines .
Grow up you little monster .
Crumples up the letter and tosses it in the pile of previously crumpled letters .
The CNN host is heard saying ” “ What happened to civility ?
” Why don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ d kill it .
A voice is heard .
It ’ s his 74 year-old deceased mother MAGGIE .
She enters the apartment .
Oh no .
It ’ s my mother .
Should I kill myself now or after the conversation ?
Jerry .
Look at you .
You ’ re 38 years-old and single .
You live in a tiny apartment that doesn ’ t have enough room for even cockroaches .
Which reminds me .
Did you buy some roach traps ?
They ’ re on sale at Target @ @ @ @ @ @ @ big boy .
I don ’ t need to be reminded .
Second .
The roaches are my pets .
Third .
You ’ re embarrassing .
As a young adult , you embarrassed me .
My friends were always bragging about their children being a doctor , lawyer , accountant .
What could I say you were ?
Ah .
An extra in the movie Mystery Alaska .
I would have loved to have said , “ my son the actor.
” Instead , I had to remain silent while my friends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that when you became an alcoholic ?
After all , you ’ re laying a guilt trip on me .
Like you always have .
For your information , I wasn ’ t an alcoholic .
I didn ’ t need to attend those stupid AA meetings .
Sure I may have had too much to drink on occasion .
But only when I looked at your report cards .
I thought you were doomed for failure .
Your grades ranged from C ’ s to F ’ s .
Honestly , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dr. Seuss alphabet if you dropped below an F. Little did you know that I would become one of the most popular radio talk show hosts in America .
Politicians and celebrities fighting to be heard and humiliated .
True .
You ’ re successful unlike your father .
He still can ’ t believe your success .
Had you pegged for construction in Wasilla .
Working side by side with the “ you betcha ” Palin brothers .
In his best year , pops made $ 10,000 stocking shelves at the grocery @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sanitation worker .
At least he would of had a pot to piss in .
Please .
Do me a favor .
Move out of this dingy apartment .
Find a nice girl like your mother and settle down .
Which reminds me .
Mrs. Anderson sends you greetings .
She misses your jokes .
And on those utterly insane comments , it ’ s time for the show .

Its New York City run may have been cut short by the pandemic, but you can now read The Jerry Duncan Show play, right here! Enjoy the first act.
Hi Everyone,
You will be able to read the script from my play The Jerry Duncan Show that opened in New York City, March 5, 2020 and had to close the day Broadway shutdown due to the coronavirus. The play received an outstanding review in Broadway World. There will be pages published twice a week for the next 6 weeks. If you miss a week, just go to www.humortimes.com under The Jerry Duncan Show.
Written by Dean B. Kaner The Jerry Duncan Show (c) Dean B. Kaner
ACT I
Scene 1 Jerry’s Apartment
JERRY DUNCAN’S LIVING ROOM
Jerry Duncan, 38, sits on a chair in his apartment listening to the television. His horn rimmed glasses are on the end of his nose. He is wearing an oversized robe and slippers. There are beer cans crumpled up and letters strewn around the floor. CNN panelists on a political talk show can be heard in the background having a round table discussion. The stage is split in two. Stage left is the apartment and stage right is the radio station. There is a large screen on stage right that guests are behind during the interviews. They are visible as silhouettes. A radio console and microphone sit on a table.
An INTERN enters the apartment.
INTERN
I have your mail, Mr. Duncan.
JERRY
Anything good today?
INTERN
Here’s one.
JERRY
Read it.
INTERN
Sorry about your mother passing away.
Annie Silverman
JERRY
Old news. Give me the rest.
The intern hands him a stack. Jerry selects a few letters.
JERRY
Dear Big Mouth,
When are jerks like you going to get it through your thick skull that there was no collusion or obstruction by the president. It’s right there in the Mueller Report. I’m sick and tired of hearing
your lies.
Anonymous
Crumples up the letter and tosses it on the floor.
JERRY
Take this down.
The intern holds a cassette recorder close to Jerry’s face.
JERRY
Dear Anonymous,
You are an idiot. Trump’s frickin son was taking a meeting with a Russian lawyer who worked for Putin. It’s called collusion.
Insincerely, Jerry
Reads another letter.
JERRY
Hi Mr. Duncan,
I’m 11 years old and listen to your show when my mom drives me to school. I get mad, because she turns down the sound when you say bad words. Like I don’t get to hear much. I laugh when you make fun of everyone. Is there a kids version of your show?
Big Fan, Teddy.
The intern brings the recorder close to Jerry’s face.
JERRY
Kids version? When I was your age, I was reading my old man’s Playboy magazines. Grow up you little monster.
Uncle Jerry
Crumples up the letter and tosses it in the pile of previously crumpled letters.
The CNN host is heard saying” “What happened to civility?”
JERRY
Why don’t they put me on CNN? I’d kill it.
A voice is heard. It’s his 74 year-old deceased mother MAGGIE. She enters the apartment.
MAGGIE
Jerry?
JERRY
Oh no. It’s my mother. Should I kill myself now or after the conversation?
MAGGIE
Jerry. Look at you. You’re 38 years-old and single. You live in a tiny apartment that doesn’t have enough room for even cockroaches. Which reminds me. Did you buy some roach traps? They’re on sale at Target.
JERRY
Please. I’m a big boy. I don’t need to be reminded.
Second. The roaches are my pets. Third. You’re embarrassing.
MAGGIE
As a young adult, you embarrassed me. My friends were always bragging about their children being a doctor, lawyer, accountant. What could I say you were? Ah. An extra in the movie Mystery Alaska.
JERRY
It’s a classic.
MAGGIE
I would have loved to have said, “my son the actor.” Instead, I had to remain silent while my friends pushed the limits of bragging.
JERRY
Is that when you became an alcoholic? After all, you’re laying a guilt trip on me. Like you always have.
MAGGIE
For your information, I wasn’t an alcoholic. I didn’t need to attend those stupid AA meetings. Sure I may have had too much to drink on occasion. But only when I looked at your report cards. I thought you were doomed for failure. Your grades ranged from C’s to F’s. Honestly, the teachers were ready to dig into the Dr. Seuss alphabet if you dropped below an F.
JERRY
Little did you know that I would become one of the most popular radio talk show hosts in America. Politicians and celebrities fighting to be heard and humiliated.
MAGGIE
True. You’re successful unlike your father. He still can’t believe your success.
JERRY
What?
MAGGIE
Had you pegged for construction in Wasilla. Working side by side with the “you betcha” Palin brothers.
JERRY
In his best year, pops made $10,000 stocking shelves at the grocery store. He should have been a sanitation worker. At least he would of had a pot to piss in.
MAGGIE
Please. Do me a favor. Move out of this dingy apartment. Find a nice girl like your mother and settle down. Which reminds me. Mrs. Anderson sends you greetings. She misses your jokes.
JERRY
And on those utterly insane comments, it’s time for the show.
Later, mother.
TO BE CONTINUED…


humortimes--2020-04-19--Recipe for a Basic, Genuine Anti-Virus Punch

According to the author , these are actual , real recipes that logically should work against the Virus .
NOTE : This recipe should only be used as a preventative if you do not have COVID-19 already .
The herbs , juices and fruits contained in this drink have been used for ages against many types of flu ’ s , colds and viruses .
Maybe , just maybe , it will work against this new plague we have at the moment .
( this statement is actually quite serious as is the two recipes provided . )
Mix ½ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the junky version with only 10 % concentrate and 90 % sugar ! )
with tea made from a half gallon of the following : • 1 teaspoon dried elderberries or 1 teaspoon fresh elderberries ( Fresh elderberries MUST be cooked otherwise they can make you ill .
They are for prevention .
And the term ‘ elderberries ’ doesn ’ t mean it is just for old fogies ! )
• ½ teaspoon thyme ( for the lungs ) .
And I don ’ t mean tick-tock time either !
• ½ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the immune system ) .
• ½ teaspoon rosehips ( I bet you didn ’ t know roses had hips !
Now you do . )
• ½ teaspoon REAL cinnamon ( Yes , there really is such a thing as ‘ fake ’ cinnamon .
They use a similar spice ) • 2 tea bags Red Zinger tea ( Celestial Seasonings- if available .
Contains licorice and wild cherry bark for the lungs and rosehips for more vitamin C. ) NOTE : For a very simple tea get a box of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Immune Support tea bags and use one of each per large cups .
They both have additional beneficial herbs in them to make a very good tea that should be beneficial and preventative against the corona virus .
( no , NOT Walmart or K-Mart — KROGER !
!
!
Quit being so cheap ! )
Alternative Recipe if You Already Have Covid-19 Don ’ t use echinacea or elderberry anymore as they might turn the immune system against the body at this point .
Mix ½ gallon non-sweetened fruit juice , preferably @ @ @ @ @ @ @ made from a half gallon of the following : ½ teaspoon astralagus root ( no , not asparagus !
Astralagus !
!
! )
( protects immune system good for flu-like illnesses . )
½ teaspoon anise ( for anti-virus and taste ) ( go ahead , make an anus joke , I dare you ! )
½ teaspoon olive leaf , slippery elm , turmeric , white oak bark or 1 teaspoon aloe vera ( for anti-viral properties ) If you want to know why it is called ‘ slippery ’ elm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spread it on the smooth kitchen floor , then count how many casualties you get .
• 2 tea bags Red Zinger tea ( Celestial Seasonings — if available .
Contains licorice and wild cherry bark for the lungs and rosehips for more vitamin C. ) ( Don ’ t try using ‘ tame ’ cherry bark — it just won ’ t work ! )
The author has studied herbology and has worked for years in the natural food industry .

According to the author, these are actual, real recipes that logically should work against the Virus.
Recipe for a Basic, Genuine Anti-Virus Punch
(To hopefully give Mr. Mean COVID-19 a one/two punch!)
NOTE: This recipe should only be used as a preventative if you do not have COVID-19 already.
The herbs, juices and fruits contained in this drink have been used for ages against many types of flu’s, colds and viruses. Maybe, just maybe, it will work against this new plague we have at the moment. (this statement is actually quite serious as is the two recipes provided.)
Mix ½ gallon non-sweetened fruit juice (and not the junky version with only 10% concentrate and 90% sugar!) with tea made from a half gallon of the following:
1 teaspoon dried elderberries or 1 teaspoon fresh elderberries (Fresh elderberries MUST be cooked otherwise they can make you ill. They are for prevention. And the term ‘elderberries’ doesn’t mean it is just for old fogies!)
½ teaspoon thyme (for the lungs). And I don’t mean tick-tock time either!
½ teaspoon echinacea or olive leaf herb (for the immune system).
½ teaspoon rosehips (I bet you didn’t know roses had hips! Now you do.)
½ teaspoon ginger
½ teaspoon REAL cinnamon (Yes, there really is such a thing as ‘fake’ cinnamon. They use a similar spice)
½ squeezed lemon or lime
2 tea bags Red Zinger tea (Celestial Seasonings- if available. Contains licorice and wild cherry bark for the lungs and rosehips for more vitamin C.)
Best served hot.
NOTE: For a very simple tea get a box of Kroger elderberry teabags and one of Kroger Immune Support tea bags and use one of each per large cups. They both have additional beneficial herbs in them to make a very good tea that should be beneficial and preventative against the corona virus. (no, NOT Walmart or K-Mart — KROGER!!! Quit being so cheap!)
Alternative Recipe if You Already Have Covid-19
Don’t use echinacea or elderberry anymore as they might turn the immune system against the body at this point.
Mix ½ gallon non-sweetened fruit juice, preferably with 100% concentration, with tea made from a half gallon of the following:
½ teaspoon astralagus root (no, not asparagus! Astralagus!!!) (protects immune system good for flu-like illnesses.)
½ teaspoon anise (for anti-virus and taste) (go ahead, make an anus joke, I dare you!)
½ teaspoon olive leaf, slippery elm, turmeric, white oak bark or 1 teaspoon aloe vera (for anti-viral properties) If you want to know why it is called ‘slippery’ elm mix up a gallon with water and spread it on the smooth kitchen floor, then count how many casualties you get.
½ teaspoon rosehips
½ teaspoon ginger (and I don’t mean a red-haired person!)
½ teaspoon thyme (for lungs)
½ teaspoon REAL cinnamon
½ squeezed lemon or lime
2 tea bags Red Zinger tea (Celestial Seasonings — if available. Contains licorice and wild cherry bark for the lungs and rosehips for more vitamin C.) (Don’t try using ‘tame’ cherry bark — it just won’t work!)
The author has studied herbology and has worked for years in the natural food industry.


humortimes--2020-04-20--Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/20/20

Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/20/20

Making fun of the headlines today , so you don ’ t have to The news doesn ’ t need to be complicated and confusing ; that ’ s what any new release from Microsoft is for .
And , as in the case with anything from Microsoft , to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over , remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon : Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule : barely pay attention and jump to conclusions .
So , here are some headlines today and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dr Phil and Dr Drew talking crazy about the coronavirus …we ’ d be better off “ paging Dr Moe , paging Dr Larry , paging Dr Curly !
” So , she did nothing special .
Although , in the middle of it , both had to get up to go pee .
Bill O ’ Reilly : Those dying from coronavirus “ were on their last legs anyway ” Dude better hope no one sneezes on his career .
Celebrities under fire for posting self-quarantine selfies while in their mansions Hey @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Stop posting those pics from your mansions , it ’ s like an episode of ‘ Casing the Homes of the Rich and Famous.
’ ” Major League Baseball has no firm date to start 2020 season And , even though they haven ’ t even started playing , the Florida Marlins were just mathematically eliminated Feds considering issuing Americans certificates of immunity from the coronavirus It ’ s official !
We ’ ve gone from ‘ Celebrity Apprentice ’ to ‘ Survivor !
’ Tom Schwartz apologizes for calling wife Katie Maloney @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way out of line ” Where did he say this ?
On an all new episode of ‘ Who the hell are these people ?
’ Brad Pitt got emotional while renovating a friend ’ s home with ‘ The Property Brothers ’ Let ’ s see how happy they are when Brad drops off all his kids for a barbecue !
It ’ s gotten so bad , my neighbor ’ s house got TP ’ d , and it doubled in value .
McDonald ’ s and Capitol One pulled their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ team because he used the N-word I ’ m betting he ’ ll probably be able to replace them with the ‘ My Pillow Guy ’ and ‘ Really , Really White Castle !
’ CDC says no group meetings over 10 people Or .
as Trump calls it , an inaugural .
Val Kilmer says he has not had a girlfriend in 20 years : “ I am lonely part of everyday ” And , he revised The Doors song to ‘ 21st Century Foxless.
’ Report : Coronavirus showed up in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screening

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Dr Oz, Dr Phil and Dr Drew talking crazy about the coronavirus
…we’d be better off “paging Dr Moe, paging Dr Larry, paging Dr Curly!”
Jennifer Lopez rocked a sheer tunic and tiny white bikini for Easter Sunday
So, she did nothing special.
Sanders endorsed Biden
Although, in the middle of it, both had to get up to go pee.
Bill O’Reilly: Those dying from coronavirus “were on their last legs anyway”
Dude better hope no one sneezes on his career.
Celebrities under fire for posting self-quarantine selfies while in their mansions
Hey, celebrities, some advice: “Stop posting those pics from your mansions, it’s like an episode of ‘Casing the Homes of the Rich and Famous.’”
Major League Baseball has no firm date to start 2020 season
And, even though they haven’t even started playing, the Florida Marlins were just mathematically eliminated
Feds considering issuing Americans certificates of immunity from the coronavirus
It’s official! We’ve gone from ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ to ‘Survivor!’
Tom Schwartz apologizes for calling wife Katie Maloney “Gross”: “I was way out of line”
Where did he say this? On an all new episode of ‘Who the hell are these people?’
Brad Pitt got emotional while renovating a friend’s home with ‘The Property Brothers’
Let’s see how happy they are when Brad drops off all his kids for a barbecue!
Trio of suspected thieves caught in “heinous toilet paper caper”
It’s gotten so bad, my neighbor’s house got TP’d, and it doubled in value.
McDonald’s and Capitol One pulled their sponsorships of Kyle Larson’s NASCAR team because he used the N-word
I’m betting he’ll probably be able to replace them with the ‘My Pillow Guy’ and ‘Really, Really White Castle!’
CDC says no group meetings over 10 people
Or. as Trump calls it, an inaugural.
Val Kilmer says he has not had a girlfriend in 20 years: “I am lonely part of everyday”
And, he revised The Doors song to ‘21st Century Foxless.’
Report: Coronavirus showed up in NY from Europe not Asia without proper screening
… Hmmm, kinda like Melania …


humortimes--2020-04-22--Trump’s Cry for Help: The Insanity Defense

Little did we know Donald Trump played a fool for the 25th Amendment get-out-of-jail loophole ( the Insanity Defense ) !
Never really wanting the presidency & beleaguered by his own incompetence & fate ; Donald Trump puts a plan in place to free himself by opting for ‘ The Insanity Defense ’ .
The voluntary Test led by Dr. Oy Yme of John Hopkins Psychiatry Dept .
is being conducted as we speak .
DOCTOR – Are you sure ?
DOCTOR – What color am I holding up ?
Do you know why you ’ re Impeached ?
TRUMP @ @ @ @ @ @ @ DOCTOR – Do you know what the Peter Principle is ?
TRUMP – My Doc said a shot of Penicillin & it would clear up .
DOCTOR – I have to determine if you know right from wrong .
TRUMP – Let me make it easy for you – once I gave Supreme Court Judge Ruth Bader Ginsberg a Wedgie !
DOCTOR – If you were an animal what would you be ?
TRUMP – If you buy it !
DOCTOR – Do you know you could be removed from office for being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ really want to be nuts – how long have you been working on it ?
TRUMP – No , first we rehearsed in the elevator .
I did try to jump out my Trump Tower window once – will that help ?
DOCTOR – Shooting yourself would ’ ve been better .
TRUMP – I ’ ve been trying !
And , all these daily Covid briefings – I ’ ve proved it .
I got the best ratings & just about to throw Dr. Fauci under the bus !
What will it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the Grocery Store without a Mask !

Little did we know Donald Trump played a fool for the 25th Amendment get-out-of-jail loophole (the Insanity Defense)!
Never really wanting the presidency & beleaguered by his own incompetence & fate; Donald Trump puts a plan in place to free himself by opting for ‘The Insanity Defense’.
The voluntary Test led by Dr. Oy Yme of John Hopkins Psychiatry Dept. is being conducted as we speak.
Dr. YME – What’s your name?
DONALD TRUMP – Napoleon.
DOCTOR – Are you sure?
TRUMP – Okay, Einstein.
DOCTOR – Please don’t be a wise guy.
What’s your mother’s maiden name?
TRUMP – Mommy.
DOCTOR – On her Birth Certificate.
TRUMP – I wasn’t there.
DOCTOR – What color am I holding up?
TRUMP – Orange.
DOCTOR – No, blue!
Do you know why you’re Impeached?
TRUMP – My Ties are too long.
DOCTOR – Do you know what the Peter Principle is?
TRUMP – My Doc said a shot of Penicillin & it would clear up.
DOCTOR – I have to determine if you know right from wrong.
TRUMP – Let me make it easy for you – once I gave Supreme Court Judge Ruth Bader Ginsberg a Wedgie!
DOCTOR – If you were an animal what would you be?
TRUMP – An ant.
DOCTOR – That’s not an animal.
Are you playing dumb?
TRUMP – If you buy it!
DOCTOR – Do you know you could be removed from office for being crazy?
TRUMP – Could you?
DOCTOR – You seem to really want to be nuts – how long have you been working on it?
TRUMP – Since the elevator.
DOCTOR – Don’t you mean ‘the escalator’?
TRUMP – No, first we rehearsed in the elevator. I did try to jump out my Trump Tower window once – will that help?
DOCTOR – Shooting yourself would’ve been better.
TRUMP – For who?
DOCTOR – Your case…shows you’re mentally disturbed.
TRUMP – I’ve been trying! And, all these daily Covid briefings – I’ve proved it. I got the best ratings & just about to throw Dr. Fauci under the bus!
What will it take, Doc?
DOCTOR – Go to the Grocery Store without a Mask!


humortimes--2020-04-22--This is Your Brain on Aphorisms: Happy Earth Day to You!

Celebrate Earth Day now for your presence in the future .
The global warming debate : Speculating on weather or @ @ @ @ @ have to call Antarctica Aintarctica .
Don ’ t allow the rain forests to become @ @ @ @ @ can only give so much , and will only take so much as well .
@ @ @ @ @ much power , as they currently do , they can charge whatever and wherever they @ @ @ @ @ of control .
Get your end of the world insurance before it ’ s too @ @ @ @ @ : Running around in circles from here to returnity .
For those seeking immortality , @ @ @ @ @ fight global warming , turn up the heat on politicians .
I support any politician @ @ @ @ @ A fool in paradise will always seek greener pastures .
To be one with nature @ @ @ @ @ beside yourself .
We can save our world if we planet wisely .
Our finest @ @ @ @ @ together .

Celebrate Earth Day now for your presence in the future.
The global warming debate: Speculating on weather or not.
It’s not nice to fuel Mother Nature!
Soon we may have to call Antarctica Aintarctica.
Don’t allow the rain forests to become slain forests.
Mother Earth can only give so much, and will only take so much as well.
When energy companies have too much power, as they currently do, they can charge whatever and wherever they want.
Deregulation is out of control.
Pollution causes death by sewer-cide.
Get your end of the world insurance before it’s too late.
The human race: Running around in circles from here to returnity.
For those seeking immortality, get a life!
To fight global warming, turn up the heat on politicians.
Science informs, silence conforms.
I support any politician who runs with scissors.
A fool in paradise will always seek greener pastures.
To be one with nature, don’t get beside yourself.
Renewable is do-able.
We can save our world if we planet wisely.
Our finest our is when we work together.


humortimes--2020-04-22--Trump, Suffering ‘Rally-Withdrawal’ Symptoms, Addresses Pro-Trump Turkeys

Fighting the effects of “ rally-withdrawal ” symptoms due to social distancing guidelines , President Donald Trump today addressed an enthusiastic crowd of pro-Trump turkeys .
“ As with all of my supporters , I ’ m only here to serve you !
” Trump promised the adoring cluster-flock , who flapped their right wings in delight as they franticly ran around in circles gobbling up all of the pompous circumstance .
The rally was the brainchild of White House staffer Quint Cognito , who spoke on condition of anonymity .
“ We ’ ve been worried about President Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years , ” he explained , “ And then over the past month or so , during our national quarantine , we ’ ve gotten downright terrified .
It ’ s become painfully obvious to us how much he misses those big , angry pro-Trump rallies .
He positively thrives on all that negativity and hate !
And without it he ’ s like some kind of alcoholic drug addict suffering cold-turkey withdrawal symptoms .
The official medical terminology for his condition is acute narcisstic assaholism.
” “ We ’ ve tried to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ homage he ’ s been receiving by applauding him every time he farts , but it hasn ’ t been enough .
Then , just last week , he came down with a bad case of the shakes and started foaming at the mouth .
Next thing you know he ’ s having hallucinations and becomes convinced that he ’ s the Burger King from those TV commercials , and that he ’ s being hunted down by his own personal army of disloyal whoppers .
Then he attacks his reflection in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at that point because he ’ s never done that before .
Attack a mirror , I mean.
” “ At first we thought we might be able to hold a rally of monkeys , apes and baboons for him at the zoo , but then we realized that since those are all extremely intelligent animals they might start throwing their poop at him.That was when I remembered Dom Durkee ’ s open invitation for the president to visit his “ Butter Y ’ all Up ” turkey farm in Rubesville Alabama .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the president ’ s gratuity , er gratitude , all of the necessary arrangements were made.
” Durkee was thrilled to have the president visit his sprawling 666 acre farm .
“ There ’ s something tremendous about Trump , ” he gushed , “ The turkeys really seem to relate to him .
It ’ s like he speaks their language .
And I ’ ve had all the big names here , giving motivational speeches to my flock .
Sarah Painlin , Bill O ’ Really , Lou Dudd , Glen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve had ’ em .
But President Donald Trump is the biggest turkey crowd pleaser of all !
He ’ s just tremendous !
” When asked whether the president would be holding more pro-Trump turkey rallies in the future , Cognito said : “ There ’ s a good chance of that .
We certainly have enough turkeys in this country to help the president make it through this current crisis indefinitely .
Who knows , maybe pro-Trump turkey rallies , like every other Trump event , will soon become all @ @ @ @

President attends rally of pro-Trump turkeys to offset “rally-withdrawal” side-effects.
Fighting the effects of “rally-withdrawal” symptoms due to social distancing guidelines, President Donald Trump today addressed an enthusiastic crowd of pro-Trump turkeys. “As with all of my supporters, I’m only here to serve you!” Trump promised the adoring cluster-flock, who flapped their right wings in delight as they franticly ran around in circles gobbling up all of the pompous circumstance.
The rally was the brainchild of White House staffer Quint Cognito, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “We’ve been worried about President Trump for the past three and a half years,” he explained, “And then over the past month or so, during our national quarantine, we’ve gotten downright terrified. It’s become painfully obvious to us how much he misses those big, angry pro-Trump rallies. He positively thrives on all that negativity and hate! And without it he’s like some kind of alcoholic drug addict suffering cold-turkey withdrawal symptoms. The official medical terminology for his condition is acute narcisstic assaholism.”
“We’ve tried to supplement the appalling lack of ridiculously reverent homage he’s been receiving by applauding him every time he farts, but it hasn’t been enough. Then, just last week, he came down with a bad case of the shakes and started foaming at the mouth. Next thing you know he’s having hallucinations and becomes convinced that he’s the Burger King from those TV commercials, and that he’s being hunted down by his own personal army of disloyal whoppers. Then he attacks his reflection in the mirror! We knew it was serious at that point because he’s never done that before. Attack a mirror, I mean.”
“At first we thought we might be able to hold a rally of monkeys, apes and baboons for him at the zoo, but then we realized that since those are all extremely intelligent animals they might start throwing their poop at him.That was when I remembered Dom Durkee’s open invitation for the president to visit his ‘Butter Y’all Up’ turkey farm in Rubesville Alabama. After a perfect phone call to verify the president’s gratuity, er gratitude, all of the necessary arrangements were made.”
Durkee was thrilled to have the president visit his sprawling 666 acre farm. “There’s something tremendous about Trump,” he gushed, “The turkeys really seem to relate to him. It’s like he speaks their language. And I’ve had all the big names here, giving motivational speeches to my flock. Sarah Painlin, Bill O’Really, Lou Dudd, Glen Wreck… you name ’em and I’ve had ’em. But President Donald Trump is the biggest turkey crowd pleaser of all! He’s just tremendous!”
When asked whether the president would be holding more pro-Trump turkey rallies in the future, Cognito said: “There’s a good chance of that. We certainly have enough turkeys in this country to help the president make it through this current crisis indefinitely. Who knows, maybe pro-Trump turkey rallies, like every other Trump event, will soon become all the rage!”


humortimes--2020-04-22--The Jerry Duncan Show Play, Act 1, Pages 5-9

Jerry and the intern move over to the radio station .
The intern grabs Jerry .
Playfully slaps his cheeks .
Jerry is pumped like a boxer with a hoody over his head .
Throwing fake punches .
Three gunshots are fired , as we see a silhouette of Sarah Palin behind the screen with her rifle raised in the air .
The intern hands Jerry a cordless microphone .
Live from under a rock in your backyard , it ’ s The Jerry Duncan Show .
Yes , it is .
Today on the show my guest is the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Barbie ” Palin .
But before we get started , I want to mention something about my 20th class reunion at Wasilla High in Alaska .
Talk about a nightmare .
Classmates were jealous that I was the most successful graduate .
I ’ m not bragging , but I was number one in my class with a solid D average .
A Nobel Prize winner compared to Sarah Palin .
( shouting ) Duncan !
I ’ m gon na reload my trusty rifle and fill your rear end with buckshot .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ her a pill .
Here ’ s a sedative to calm you down , Gov .
I need it .
Thank ya .
Jerry goes behind the screen .
The intern exits .
Hey .
It ’ s crazy .
You and I both went to Wasilla High .
You betcha .
I was on the girls basketball team when we were the state champs .
Right .
You beat out a bunch of seals and penguins .
Real competition .
That ’ s what I would have expected the liberal media to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chew ya up and spit ya out like a bunch of whale blubber .
I don ’ t find that amusing .
What did you accomplish in high school ?
I made this paperweight in woodshop .
It ’ s shaped like Richard Nixon ’ s nose .
Yep .
Has all the warmth and charm of an elephant ’ s testicle .
Sarah .
When do brunettes eat a lot of beans ?
Before they take a bubble bath .
You were elected mayor of Wasilla in 1996 .
One of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the new library .
Aren ’ t books used to enlighten our minds ?
That ’ s why we have Fox News .
No need to waste money .
In 2006 , you became the Governor of Alaska .
That causes climate change according to most scientists .
Tom Cruise is a scientist , so is John Travolta .
What do they know ?
The more ice that melts , the easier it is for me to keep an eye on the Russkies .
Out of all the people , Senator John @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mate in the 2008 presidential election .
That was a no brainer .
I ’ m a proud gun clingin , flag wavin American woman .
I have lots of Spanx .
Isn ’ t that a dirty word ?
You need to go back to Wasilla High and study Dr. Seuss .
Obama won the election .
Some say you were the reason McCain tanked .
Especially after the Katie Couric interview .
C ’ mon .
You couldn ’ t name one thing you even read .
I didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , so I clammed up .
I ’ m highly intelligent .
Did you know the Vice-President is the supreme boss in the Senate ?
Lord .
If you ’ re listening , one of us has to disappear .
You don ’ t read books , but you wrote one .
Going Rogue : An American Life .
Gon na make a movie some day from the book .
I want Sarah Huckabee Sanders to play me and her husband Colonel Sanders to play my hubby Todd .
We ’ re out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ claps in front of the audience .
Two hour break .
Flush hard .
It ’ s a long way to the Burger King .
Jerry moves over to his apartment .
Jerry paces the floor then sits in his chair .
Maggie enters .
You ’ re killing it , son .
I never laughed so hard in my life .
I think you actually made Sarah Palin sound intelligent .
I hate to bring this up and it ’ s not a big deal .
If it ’ s not a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up ?
Because it bothers me .
I see a small spaghetti stain on your shirt .
Maybe you should change .
What do you do up in heaven ?
Follow me around with a giant telescope ?
Don ’ t make fun of me .
I ’ m your mother .
I just want you to look nice .
And sit up straight or you ’ re going to have osteoporosis like cousin Elmer .
Do you remember that joke we told about Elmer ?
Which one ?
There were so many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he has to look up to tie his shoes .
I thought you were going to ay Elmer is so hunchback , he keeps money in his ankle pocket .
I forgot about that one .
Go back to nagging pops .
I got stuff to do .

Jerry and the intern move over to the radio station.
Scene 2 Radio Station
The intern grabs Jerry. Playfully slaps his cheeks. Jerry is pumped like a boxer with a hoody over his head. Throwing fake punches. Three gunshots are fired, as we see a silhouette of Sarah Palin behind the screen with her rifle raised in the air. The intern hands Jerry a cordless microphone.
ANNOUNCER
Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.
JERRY
Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning?
INTERN
Yes, it is.
JERRY
Today on the show my guest is the former Governor of Alaska Sarah “Caribou Barbie” Palin. But before we get started, I want to mention something about my 20th class reunion at Wasilla High in Alaska. Talk about a nightmare. Classmates were jealous that I was the most successful graduate. I’m not bragging, but I was number one in my class with a solid D average. A Nobel Prize winner compared to Sarah Palin.
SARAH PALIN
(shouting) Duncan! I’m gonna reload my trusty rifle and fill your rear end with buckshot.
Intern rushes behind the screen and offers her a pill.
INTERN
Here’s a sedative to calm you down, Gov.
PALIN
I need it. Thank ya.
Jerry goes behind the screen. The intern exits.
JERRY
Hey. It’s crazy. You and I both went to Wasilla High.
PALIN
You betcha. I was on the girls basketball team when we were the state champs.
JERRY
Right. You beat out a bunch of seals and penguins. Real competition.
PALIN
That’s what I would have expected the liberal media to say. I’m gonna chew ya up and spit ya out like a bunch of whale blubber. I don’t find that amusing. What did you accomplish in high school?
Jerry holds up a paperweight.
JERRY
I made this paperweight in woodshop. It’s shaped like Richard Nixon’s nose.
PALIN
Yep. Has all the warmth and charm of an elephant’s testicle.
JERRY
Sarah. When do brunettes eat a lot of beans?
PALIN
Geez. That’s a tough one. Supper?
JERRY
Before they take a bubble bath.
PALIN
You punked me, Duncan.
JERRY
You were elected mayor of Wasilla in 1996.
PALIN
One of the first things I did was get rid of the new library.
JERRY
Aren’t books used to enlighten our minds?
PALIN
That’s why we have Fox News. No need to waste money.
JERRY
In 2006, you became the Governor of Alaska.
PALIN
Drill, baby, drill.
JERRY
That causes climate change according to most scientists.
PALIN
Tom Cruise is a scientist, so is John Travolta. What do they know? The more ice that melts, the easier it is for me to keep an eye on the Russkies.
JERRY
Out of all the people, Senator John McCain picked you to be his running mate in the 2008 presidential election.
PALIN
That was a no brainer. I’m a proud gun clingin, flag wavin American woman. I have lots of Spanx.
JERRY
Don’t you mean spunk?
PALIN
Isn’t that a dirty word? You need to go back to Wasilla High and study Dr. Seuss.
JERRY
Obama won the election. Some say you were the reason McCain tanked. Especially after the Katie Couric interview.
PALIN
Katie did a gotcha question. I had a brain fart.
JERRY
C’mon. You couldn’t name one thing you even read.
PALIN
I didn’t know if Jack and Jill magazine counted, so I clammed up. I’m highly intelligent. Did you know the Vice-President is the supreme boss in the Senate?
JERRY
Lord. If you’re listening, one of us has to disappear.
PALIN
You betcha.
JERRY
You don’t read books, but you wrote one.
PALIN
Going Rogue: An American Life. Gonna make a movie some day from the book. I want Sarah Huckabee Sanders to play me and her husband Colonel Sanders to play my hubby Todd.
JERRY
We’re out of time. Commercial everyone.
Intern claps in front of the audience.
INTERN
Two hour break. Flush hard. It’s a long way to the Burger King.
Jerry moves over to his apartment.
Scene 3 Jerry’s Apartment
Jerry paces the floor then sits in his chair. Maggie enters.
MAGGIE
You’re killing it, son. I never laughed so hard in my life. I think you actually made Sarah Palin sound intelligent. I hate to bring this up and it’s not a big deal.
JERRY
If it’s not a big deal, then why bring it up?
MAGGIE
Because it bothers me. I see a small spaghetti stain on your shirt. Maybe you should change.
JERRY
What do you do up in heaven? Follow me around with a giant telescope?
MAGGIE
Don’t make fun of me. I’m your mother. I just want you to look nice. And sit up straight or you’re going to have osteoporosis like cousin Elmer.
JERRY
Yes, mother.
MAGGIE
Do you remember that joke we told about Elmer?
JERRY
Which one? There were so many.
MAGGIE
Elmer’s so hunchback, he has to look up to tie his shoes.
JERRY
I thought you were going to say Elmer is so hunchback, he keeps money in his ankle pocket.
MAGGIE
I forgot about that one.
JERRY
Go back to nagging pops. I got stuff to do.
TO BE CONTINUED…


Amazing Disgrace

Such disgrace , how sad the sound That made a wretch of me .
I once was lost , but now I ’ m found Was blind , but now I see .
T ’ was Trump who taught no heart should fear If parents have all grieved As precious children disappear .
These lies I first believed .
Through his many lies and snares ( His lies they would fill tomes ) , T ’ was Trump that brought us to despair And sickness to our homes .
Trump did promise good to me , But just his wealth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ suffering be As long as he endures .
Yea , when his next campaign does fail His evil acts will cease .
We will possess , within this veil A life of joy and peace .
The country will dissolve like snow The sun forbear to shine , Unless God sends him far below Or just makes him resign .
It seems like it ’ s ten thousand years Without the shining sun .
Praise God , Trump gone would end our fears As renewal is begun .
Such disgrace , that evil @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I once was lost , but now I ’ m found .
Was blind , but now I see .
* ( Thank you to Ralph Lombard ‘ s aphorisms column on this website for the title . )

Amazing Disgrace*
(Hymn sung by repentant former Trump Evangelicals who were born-again into real Christian values.)
Such disgrace, how sad the sound
That made a wretch of me.
I once was lost, but now I’m found
Was blind, but now I see.
T’was Trump who taught no heart should fear
If parents have all grieved
As precious children disappear.
These lies I first believed.
Through his many lies and snares
(His lies they would fill tomes),
T’was Trump that brought us to despair
And sickness to our homes.
Trump did promise good to me,
But just his wealth secures;
No shield for us in suffering be
As long as he endures.
Yea, when his next campaign does fail
His evil acts will cease.
We will possess, within this veil
A life of joy and peace.
The country will dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine,
Unless God sends him far below
Or just makes him resign.
It seems like it’s ten thousand years
Without the shining sun.
Praise God, Trump gone would end our fears
As renewal is begun.
Such disgrace, that evil sound
That made a wretch of me.
I once was lost, but now I’m found.
Was blind, but now I see.
*(Thank you to Ralph Lombard‘s aphorisms column on this website for the title.)


humortimes--2020-04-22--Trump Orders Manufacture of Bidets: Big TP Furious

[ Disclaimer : This is a satirical news piece , just for fun , read at your own risk ! ]
Amid criticism from Big TP , Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act , ordering the mass manufacture of bidets .
President Trump on Thursday invoked the Defense Production Act to order the nation ’ s manufacturers to begin making bidets for the American public .
The nation ’ s toilet paper industry , however , has condemned the move , saying it threatens American businesses .
One spokesperson commented , “ It ’ s an American tradition to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ work yourself .
Our proud industry reflects that.
” Responding to the comment , Jacques duBois of United Bidet , Inc. , said , “ Gross.
” Buying toilet paper has become extremely difficult for many households due to the outbreak of the coronavirus .
The bidets are thought to be a solution to the issue .
Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams has supported the move and urged the American people to use the bidets in order to “ prevent another public health crisis on our hands.
” He continued , “ Let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Hey , using a bidet is not that bad .
You get used to it and it feels kinda nice , too.
” Many Americans cheer the move , saying it ’ s a long-overdue solution .
For others , however , it ’ s too little too late .
“ The days between when we ran out of toilet paper and when we finally received the bidet , those were dark days , ” said Illinois resident Rashid Jetson .
“ Very dark.
” Support for the bidet subsidies has not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ supporting the toilet paper lobby .
According to Jerry Whype , a hardware store owner from Indiana , “ This is another attempt by elites to turn the U.S. into the E.U .
!
” President Trump is expected to sign the order on an accelerated schedule .
The reason , according to an anonymous source : “ Because of supply chain issues , the White House has been unable to procure toilet paper for weeks .
Their supply is running dangerously low .
”

[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]
Amid criticism from Big TP, Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act, ordering the mass manufacture of bidets.
President Trump on Thursday invoked the Defense Production Act to order the nation’s manufacturers to begin making bidets for the American public. The nation’s toilet paper industry, however, has condemned the move, saying it threatens American businesses. One spokesperson commented, “It’s an American tradition to roll up your sleeves and do the work yourself. Our proud industry reflects that.”
Responding to the comment, Jacques duBois of United Bidet, Inc., said, “Gross.”
Buying toilet paper has become extremely difficult for many households due to the outbreak of the coronavirus. The bidets are thought to be a solution to the issue.
Surgeon General Dr. Jerome Adams has supported the move and urged the American people to use the bidets in order to “prevent another public health crisis on our hands.” He continued, “Let me assure everyone right now by saying, Hey, using a bidet is not that bad. You get used to it and it feels kinda nice, too.”
Many Americans cheer the move, saying it’s a long-overdue solution. For others, however, it’s too little too late. “The days between when we ran out of toilet paper and when we finally received the bidet, those were dark days,” said Illinois resident Rashid Jetson. “Very dark.”
Support for the bidet subsidies has not been universal, however, with many supporting the toilet paper lobby. According to Jerry Whype, a hardware store owner from Indiana, “This is another attempt by elites to turn the U.S. into the E.U.!”
President Trump is expected to sign the order on an accelerated schedule. The reason, according to an anonymous source: “Because of supply chain issues, the White House has been unable to procure toilet paper for weeks. Their supply is running dangerously low.”