thespoof--2020-05-01--Obese Man Most Likely To Die First According To Family Sweepstake

Fort Lauderdale man , Duncan Whitehead , is oblivious to the fact that he is the odds-on favorite to be the first of the Whitehead clan to die due to the Covid-19 virus , according to a 'book ' opened by one of his brothers .
Whitehead is totally unaware that he was currently the focus of several wagers placed by family members on his ability to fight off any infection due to the fact that he is , according to several cousins , a 'real fat bastard ' .
A family member , who asked for anonymity , said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him about his weight .
Often , I would sing 'he ai n't heavy , he 's my brother ' any chance I had .
He really is a lard arse .
It 's obvious he would be the favorite to go first .
If the virus does n't get him , then probably a stroke or heart attack will .
The chubby fuck . ''
As of press time , Duncan remains the evens favorite to kick the bucket first , while Granny Whitehead , aged 97 , remains the second favorite @ @ @ @ @ @

Fort Lauderdale man, Duncan Whitehead, is oblivious to the fact that he is the odds-on favorite to be the first of the Whitehead clan to die due to the Covid-19 virus, according to a 'book' opened by one of his brothers.
Whitehead is totally unaware that he was currently the focus of several wagers placed by family members on his ability to fight off any infection due to the fact that he is, according to several cousins, a 'real fat bastard'.
A family member, who asked for anonymity, said, "I used to always mock him about his weight. Often, I would sing 'he ain't heavy, he's my brother' any chance I had. He really is a lard arse. It's obvious he would be the favorite to go first. If the virus doesn't get him, then probably a stroke or heart attack will. The chubby fuck."
As of press time, Duncan remains the evens favorite to kick the bucket first, while Granny Whitehead, aged 97, remains the second favorite, at odds of 3/1.


thespoof--2020-05-02--Joe Biden Convincingly Denies Remembering Sexually Assaulting Former Staffer Tara Reade

Breaking a month-long silence , presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden formally addressed allegations that he sexually assaulted former Senate aide , Tara Reade , in 1993 , convincingly denying that he had any memory of pinning Reade against a wall , reaching under her skirt , and pushing his fingers inside her .
“ I don ’ t remember anything about it , ” said Biden .
“ My mind is totally blank .
There ’ s nothing there.
” Polls indicate that many Biden supporters found Biden ’ s vehement assertions of not remembering a sexual assault highly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” said Chris Lister of Brooklyn , New York , remarking that the many accounts of Biden 's memory gaffes and incoherence made his professions of not remembering assaulting Reade highly credible .
“ He ’ s lost track of a lot of things , '' said Lister .
`` And this incident was a long time ago.
” Lifelong Democrat , Allison D ’ Agostino , of Dallas , Texas , agreed .
Noting Biden 's consistent track record of misremembering countless other factual details , including such non-occurrences as being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to visit Nelson Mandela , she said , `` The fact that anyone would even question that he might not remember the sexual assault in question blows my mind .
It ’ s outrageous.
” According to many Biden supporters , the prevalence of reports that Biden often seems bewildered and can not remember which state he is campaigning in , or whether he is running for the Senate or the presidency , only served to bolster the credibility of his denial of any memory of the incident described by Tara Reade .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ forgot the words of the Declaration of Independence mid-sentence , '' said Clyde Jansen of Austin , Texas .
`` Why wouldn ’ t I believe him about not remembering what happened with Tara Reade ? ''
He chuckled and shook his head .
“ Everybody knows he ’ s ‘ Sleepy Joe.
’ He does his best.
” Biden supporters offered a slightly different take , however , as to the legitimacy of Tara Reade ’ s accusations themselves .
“ Oh , she was definitely telling the truth , ” said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Louisville , Kentucky .
“ But what 's that got to do with anything ?
”

Breaking a month-long silence, presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden formally addressed allegations that he sexually assaulted former Senate aide, Tara Reade, in 1993, convincingly denying that he had any memory of pinning Reade against a wall, reaching under her skirt, and pushing his fingers inside her.
“I don’t remember anything about it,” said Biden. “My mind is totally blank. There’s nothing there.”
Polls indicate that many Biden supporters found Biden’s vehement assertions of not remembering a sexual assault highly persuasive. “I one-hundred-percent believe him,” said Chris Lister of Brooklyn, New York, remarking that the many accounts of Biden's memory gaffes and incoherence made his professions of not remembering assaulting Reade highly credible. “He’s lost track of a lot of things," said Lister. "And this incident was a long time ago.”
Lifelong Democrat, Allison D’Agostino, of Dallas, Texas, agreed. Noting Biden's consistent track record of misremembering countless other factual details, including such non-occurrences as being arrested in South Africa for supposedly attempting to visit Nelson Mandela, she said, "The fact that anyone would even question that he might not remember the sexual assault in question blows my mind. It’s outrageous.”
According to many Biden supporters, the prevalence of reports that Biden often seems bewildered and cannot remember which state he is campaigning in, or whether he is running for the Senate or the presidency, only served to bolster the credibility of his denial of any memory of the incident described by Tara Reade. “One time in Texas, he forgot the words of the Declaration of Independence mid-sentence," said Clyde Jansen of Austin, Texas. "Why wouldn’t I believe him about not remembering what happened with Tara Reade?" He chuckled and shook his head. “Everybody knows he’s ‘Sleepy Joe.’ He does his best.”
Biden supporters offered a slightly different take, however, as to the legitimacy of Tara Reade’s accusations themselves. “Oh, she was definitely telling the truth,” said anti-Trump activist, Leonard Payne, of Louisville, Kentucky. “But what's that got to do with anything?”


thespoof--2020-05-02--Preppers refuse to stay at home during emergency

Michigan , US .
So-called `` preppers '' have spent years stockpiling and preparing for a widespread crisis like the current pandemic .
Yet many of them are refusing to follow their own plans to stay indoors .
`` This ai n't it , '' said survivalist Wyoming Geoff .
`` I bin prepping for when we get some retard president who tries to order us to do sommit we do n't wants to do .
Then we 's gon na rise up and lock ourselves indoors . ''
When asked why the current situation did n't fit with his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ support Trump , but his intelligence tells him to order that we stay home .
He needs to tell his intelligence where to go .
This gub'mint do n't know what it 's doing , but I ai n't gon na stay indoors for no gub'mint order .
Damn gub'mint ! ''
Other survivalist groups have marched on Michigan 's capital , Lansing , wielding guns and tins of beef .
`` I got ma tinned beef , '' said protestor Texas Barry .
`` I can eat steak until the cows come @ @ @ @ @ @ @ home when I got a gun .
It 's all a liberal Chinese plot to make us stay at home , but not the sort of liberal Chinese plot that I want to stay at home for .
So they can go to hell . ''

Michigan, US. So-called "preppers" have spent years stockpiling and preparing for a widespread crisis like the current pandemic. Yet many of them are refusing to follow their own plans to stay indoors.
"This ain't it," said survivalist Wyoming Geoff. "I bin prepping for when we get some retard president who tries to order us to do sommit we don't wants to do. Then we's gonna rise up and lock ourselves indoors."
When asked why the current situation didn't fit with his planning, Geoff replied, "I support Trump, but his intelligence tells him to order that we stay home. He needs to tell his intelligence where to go. This gub'mint don't know what it's doing, but I ain't gonna stay indoors for no gub'mint order. Damn gub'mint!"
Other survivalist groups have marched on Michigan's capital, Lansing, wielding guns and tins of beef. "I got ma tinned beef," said protestor Texas Barry. "I can eat steak until the cows come home, but why should I stay home when I got a gun. It's all a liberal Chinese plot to make us stay at home, but not the sort of liberal Chinese plot that I want to stay at home for. So they can go to hell."


thespoof--2020-05-02--Fans Rocked Over Elvis Posters

Fans Rocked Over Elvis Posters

MEMPHIS has been besieged by rock fans convinced there is new evidence that Elvis is alive .
Thousands of fans @ @ @ @ @ gathering outside his former home-turned-shrine , Gracelands .
Others demanded answers from the White House @ @ @ @ @ speculation seems to be the result of a poster campaign across some states warning about @ @ @ @ @ .
The posters , published by the US Department of Health , warn folk to @ @ @ @ @ ' .
A spokesman for the department said there had been an error in the @ @ @ @ @ statement , the spokesman said : `` It was supposed to say 'Lives ' but @ @ @ @ @ dyslexic copywriter . ''
However , gun-tooting anti-lockdown campaigners believe the statement is a cover-up @ @ @ @ @ are now staying at home .
Joe Dork , president of Wyoming Gun Freedom , @ @ @ @ @ n't stayin ' at home for no jackass , liberal , douche-bag scientist but we @ @ @ @ @ . ''

MEMPHIS has been besieged by rock fans convinced there is new evidence that Elvis is alive.
Thousands of fans ignored social distancing rules by gathering outside his former home-turned-shrine, Gracelands.
Others demanded answers from the White House.
The new wave of speculation seems to be the result of a poster campaign across some states warning about the effects of the coronavirus.
The posters, published by the US Department of Health, warn folk to 'Stay Home, Save Elvis'.
A spokesman for the department said there had been an error in the final word.
In a statement, the spokesman said: "It was supposed to say 'Lives' but was drawn up by a dyslexic copywriter."
However, gun-tooting anti-lockdown campaigners believe the statement is a cover-up, and say that they are now staying at home.
Joe Dork, president of Wyoming Gun Freedom, said: "We ain't stayin' at home for no jackass, liberal, douche-bag scientist but we'll do it for Elvis."


thespoof--2020-05-02--The New White House Press Secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, Said That She Will Never Lie – BOOM! Her Firs

The New White House Press Secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, Said That She Will Never Lie – BOOM! Her First Sentence Is Her Very First Lie

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Kayleigh McEnany , 32 , held her very first press conference , and the new press secretary clearly showed the assembled reporters that she is going to soon become Sarah Huckabee Jr. Kay-Kay , as Anthony Scaramucci calls her , attended Trump University , where she became very adept at lying up a storm , just like TU 's dean of admissions , Donnie Johnny Trump .
Fellow Republican Jim “ The Wrestler ” Jordan , once said of McEnany , “ The little bitty munchkin can lie without even batting a false eyelash.
” McEnany @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what Trump likes in a woman , blonde , dumb , and obedient as hell , told GOPicky Magazine that her heroes are Donald Trump , Mitch McConnell , Lindsey Graham , and Donald Trump .
Yes , little Miss Trumpalina , repeated herself .
A White House insider said that the president had suggested that she wear tighter-fitting clothes , but Kay-Kay said that , if she did , everyone would be able to see that she has some big time keister cellulite .
When asked by a reporter for MSNBC what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ likes Big Macs , Lee Greenwood , red states , oranges , and lying .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Kayleigh McEnany, 32, held her very first press conference, and the new press secretary clearly showed the assembled reporters that she is going to soon become Sarah Huckabee Jr.
Kay-Kay, as Anthony Scaramucci calls her, attended Trump University, where she became very adept at lying up a storm, just like TU's dean of admissions, Donnie Johnny Trump.
Fellow Republican Jim “The Wrestler” Jordan, once said of McEnany, “The little bitty munchkin can lie without even batting a false eyelash.”
McEnany, who perfectly fits the bill of what Trump likes in a woman, blonde, dumb, and obedient as hell, told GOPicky Magazine that her heroes are Donald Trump, Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, and Donald Trump. Yes, little Miss Trumpalina, repeated herself.
A White House insider said that the president had suggested that she wear tighter-fitting clothes, but Kay-Kay said that, if she did, everyone would be able to see that she has some big time keister cellulite.
When asked by a reporter for MSNBC what she likes, Kayleigh remarked that she likes Big Macs, Lee Greenwood, red states, oranges, and lying.


thespoof--2020-05-01--Angry Mobs of Women in Coronavirus Lockdown Storm Michigan Governor's Office

Adding to the already volatile coronavirus lockdown situation in Michigan , women are on the verge of mass civil action against Governor Whitmer and Sally 's Beauty Supply .
Yesterday , Michigan `` Liberty Warriors '' men came to the capital , guns in tow , demanding an end to the coronavirus lockdown .
Without hesitation , Governor Whitmer refused to back down , citing public health concerns .
Today , Governor Whitmer faces a greater challenge than a heavily armed group of anti-government men -- she faces angry women with just one thing on their mind .
Social media @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of marauding women , in mobs of up to 5,000 , attempting to storm into shuttered Sally 's Beauty Supply stores .
On March 13 , Sally 's management closed all stores until the end of the pandemic , or an 'okay ' from the Governor .
After nearly two months of boarded stores , the stress on some women appears unbearable .
Although the uprising has no apparent leader , what the women want is absolute -- opening of beauty stores .
Claire Jamison was quoted on social media expressing the thoughts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a single mom , and I got one message .
The governor wo n't open nail salons and Sally 's is closed .
What are we gon na do ?
My toe nails look like Jim Carrey 's on Dumb and Dumber .
Yesterday , I nearly cut my boyfriend 's jugular vein doing the wild thing with him !
I 'm talking public health here , Ms .
Whitmer ! ''
The sense of injustice was further aggravated by the appearance of a well-manicured Governor Whitmer .
`` She 's got some @ @ @ @ @ @

Adding to the already volatile coronavirus lockdown situation in Michigan, women are on the verge of mass civil action against Governor Whitmer and Sally's Beauty Supply. Yesterday, Michigan "Liberty Warriors" men came to the capital, guns in tow, demanding an end to the coronavirus lockdown. Without hesitation, Governor Whitmer refused to back down, citing public health concerns. Today, Governor Whitmer faces a greater challenge than a heavily armed group of anti-government men--she faces angry women with just one thing on their mind.
Social media is ablaze with videos and first-hand accounts of marauding women, in mobs of up to 5,000, attempting to storm into shuttered Sally's Beauty Supply stores. On March 13, Sally's management closed all stores until the end of the pandemic, or an 'okay' from the Governor. After nearly two months of boarded stores, the stress on some women appears unbearable. Although the uprising has no apparent leader, what the women want is absolute--opening of beauty stores.
Claire Jamison was quoted on social media expressing the thoughts of the multitude. "I'm a single mom, and I got one message. The governor won't open nail salons and Sally's is closed. What are we gonna do? My toe nails look like Jim Carrey's on Dumb and Dumber. Yesterday, I nearly cut my boyfriend's jugular vein doing the wild thing with him! I'm talking public health here, Ms. Whitmer!" The sense of injustice was further aggravated by the appearance of a well-manicured Governor Whitmer. "She's got some nerve," said Jamison.


thespoof--2020-05-03--Joe’s Wife Accuses Him Of Lying About His Golf Game

BILLINGSGATE POST : Ultimately , truth matters .
Although it is understandable that an old man can ’ t remember digitally penetrating an aide twenty-seven years ago - especially when one ’ s memory erase is set for two days - you best have your game plan together when you lie to your wife .
Joe was out with some of his buddies for a round of golf .
On the way home , after a few cocktails in the Men ’ s Grill , he decided to stop off and have a fling with an old squeeze .
They @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ; a hosin ’ and a blosin ’ till her mama come a nosin ’ .
Driving home , Joe ’ s first thought was that he would tell his wife that he and the boys decided to play 36 holes .
But his conscience got the best of him .
He decided that he would tell her the truth ; that he had made wild passionate love with his old squeeze for four hours .
And so he did .
But his wife didn ’ t believe him a bit .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you did .
You played 36 holes .
Don ’ t ever lie to me again.
” Slim : “ Doesn ’ t pay to tell the truth anymore .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Ultimately, truth matters. Although it is understandable that an old man can’t remember digitally penetrating an aide twenty-seven years ago - especially when one’s memory erase is set for two days - you best have your game plan together when you lie to your wife.
Joe was out with some of his buddies for a round of golf. On the way home, after a few cocktails in the Men’s Grill, he decided to stop off and have a fling with an old squeeze. They made wild passionate love for four hours; a hosin’ and a blosin’ till her mama come a nosin’.
Driving home, Joe’s first thought was that he would tell his wife that he and the boys decided to play 36 holes. But his conscience got the best of him. He decided that he would tell her the truth; that he had made wild passionate love with his old squeeze for four hours.
And so he did.
But his wife didn’t believe him a bit.
“You lying bastard! I know what you did. You played 36 holes. Don’t ever lie to me again.”
Slim: “Doesn’t pay to tell the truth anymore.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. You gotta stay focused when you’re lying.”


thespoof--2020-05-02--Hardworking-Intended Americans Hope Coronavirus Pandemic Will Return US Jobs from China

( Providence , Rhode Island ) It has become clear there are many economic and systemic changes that will need to be addressed after the current Coronavirus pandemic eases in the US .
International travel policies , medical infrastructure , and even simpler things like proper toilet paper rationing will need to be reconsidered .
For some Americans , the recovery will also be about personal pride ; a pride that extends back multiple generations , and tied to their family names .
We recently spoke with Douglas Cooper , a “ retired ” assembly line worker , who talked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ country was built on the backs of hard working skilled labor .
Skilled labor that toiled 12 to 13 hours a day in soul-crushing and dangerous conditions at factories for AMERICAN-owned companies , ” Mr. Cooper stated .
“ That ’ s the way things outta be .
I used to work for the local Bic pen manufacturing factory here in Rhode Island , manning a machine that cranked out thousands of caps that went on pens that probably built much of this nation .
My pens may have powered crucial signatures on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ denial letters , frivolous lawsuit paperwork , and possibly even declarations of unjustified wars .
But the corporate fat cats decided they wanted to get a little fatter , and move production to CHINA , and put us all out of work , ” Doug railed while shaking his fist .
He added , “ Fortunately , I had an ‘ incident ’ with my back while stepping off the stool I sat on by the assembly line , and was put on long-term disability before the factory shut down , ” Mr. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ framed copy of the letter the Bic company ’ s liability insurance company sent to him stating he was indefinitely disabled and qualified for perpetual compensation .
“ Look at that signature by their claims adjuster ; that could have even been signed with a Bic pen , ” he added as his eyes misted up .
He quickly gathered himself and continued , “ And that ’ s my point .
The problem with industrial production being outsourced like it has for the last 30 years , has denied too many hardworking-intended @ @ @ @ @ @ @ term disability from AMERICAN companies .
Our unions fought hard to give these job injury handouts to AMERICAN workers in AMERICAN-OWNED factories ... the country needs to bring production back for our right to do that again !
” He added , “ And for many out-of-work people like me , it ’ s a family tradition .
My grandfather was on long-term disability from his job manufacturing door hinges , and my father developed a strange arm numbness doctors couldn ’ t find when he was making mattress springs .
I come @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that is American , born and bred.
” We left Mr. Cooper deep in thought , rummaging for a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer he knew was somewhere in the cooler on his front porch .
Let ’ s hope that , when this scourge is over , we can bring companies back to America , so honest men like Douglas can work for a few years , and then reap the rewards of a wonderful “ disabled ” life .

(Providence, Rhode Island) It has become clear there are many economic and systemic changes that will need to be addressed after the current Coronavirus pandemic eases in the US. International travel policies, medical infrastructure, and even simpler things like proper toilet paper rationing will need to be reconsidered. For some Americans, the recovery will also be about personal pride; a pride that extends back multiple generations, and tied to their family names.
We recently spoke with Douglas Cooper, a “retired” assembly line worker, who talked of this pride. “This great country was built on the backs of hard working skilled labor. Skilled labor that toiled 12 to 13 hours a day in soul-crushing and dangerous conditions at factories for AMERICAN-owned companies,” Mr. Cooper stated. “That’s the way things outta be. I used to work for the local Bic pen manufacturing factory here in Rhode Island, manning a machine that cranked out thousands of caps that went on pens that probably built much of this nation. My pens may have powered crucial signatures on predatory bank loans, medical insurance coverage denial letters, frivolous lawsuit paperwork, and possibly even declarations of unjustified wars. But the corporate fat cats decided they wanted to get a little fatter, and move production to CHINA, and put us all out of work,” Doug railed while shaking his fist.
He added, “Fortunately, I had an ‘incident’ with my back while stepping off the stool I sat on by the assembly line, and was put on long-term disability before the factory shut down,” Mr. Cooper said, while proudly showing a framed copy of the letter the Bic company’s liability insurance company sent to him stating he was indefinitely disabled and qualified for perpetual compensation. “Look at that signature by their claims adjuster; that could have even been signed with a Bic pen,” he added as his eyes misted up.
He quickly gathered himself and continued, “And that’s my point. The problem with industrial production being outsourced like it has for the last 30 years, has denied too many hardworking-intended people the ability to collect questionable long term disability from AMERICAN companies. Our unions fought hard to give these job injury handouts to AMERICAN workers in AMERICAN-OWNED factories...the country needs to bring production back for our right to do that again!” He added, “And for many out-of-work people like me, it’s a family tradition. My grandfather was on long-term disability from his job manufacturing door hinges, and my father developed a strange arm numbness doctors couldn’t find when he was making mattress springs. I come from a long line of long-term disability that is American, born and bred.” We left Mr. Cooper deep in thought, rummaging for a can of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer he knew was somewhere in the cooler on his front porch.
Let’s hope that, when this scourge is over, we can bring companies back to America, so honest men like Douglas can work for a few years, and then reap the rewards of a wonderful “disabled” life.


thespoof--2020-05-02--Gun-toting Michiganders Burn Witch As They Protest State's Coronavirus Lockdown

Riotous , chanting , gun-toting , machine gun-wielding , and frenzied protesters against Michigan 's coronavirus lockdown have burned , what they claim , was a local witch , on the steps of the state capitol building .
Hundreds of demonstrators , many of them virgins and armed , gathered in Lansing as area physician , Betty Cripps , was tied to a stake and set on fire .
Many did not wear masks or partake of social distancing .
`` Witch .
She was a goddam witch and a liberal .
And a commie .
She got what was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ young man brandishing a large rifle , but endowed with a very small penis .
Governor Gretchen Whitmer , who , according to some , could also be a witch , extended her stay-at-home mandate earlier this month until 15 May .
Michigan has been hard hit by the coronavirus , with 3,788 deaths but that did not deter throngs of cheering morons gathered to witness the execution of 65-year-old Betty .
“ There ’ s something about a good old-fashioned lynching or burning that brings folks together .
It 's been the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ demonstrator , Wendy Bulbous , an obese CPA with saggy tits and hairy legs .
`` She was in league with Beelzebub .
No doubt about it .
Hocus pocus does n't go down well here .
Science ?
Bullshit .
God hates science . ''

Riotous, chanting, gun-toting, machine gun-wielding, and frenzied protesters against Michigan's coronavirus lockdown have burned, what they claim, was a local witch, on the steps of the state capitol building.
Hundreds of demonstrators, many of them virgins and armed, gathered in Lansing as area physician, Betty Cripps, was tied to a stake and set on fire. Many did not wear masks or partake of social distancing.
Police were unable to intervene.
"Witch. She was a goddam witch and a liberal. And a commie. She got what was coming to her," said one young man brandishing a large rifle, but endowed with a very small penis.
Governor Gretchen Whitmer, who, according to some, could also be a witch, extended her stay-at-home mandate earlier this month until 15 May.
Michigan has been hard hit by the coronavirus, with 3,788 deaths but that did not deter throngs of cheering morons gathered to witness the execution of 65-year-old Betty.
“There’s something about a good old-fashioned lynching or burning that brings folks together. It's been the highlight of my week," said demonstrator, Wendy Bulbous, an obese CPA with saggy tits and hairy legs. "She was in league with Beelzebub. No doubt about it. Hocus pocus doesn't go down well here. Science? Bullshit. God hates science."


thespoof--2020-05-03--Nashville Man Awakens from Dark Night of Soul Feeling a Little Groggy

After wrestling into the dark hours of the night with shame , self-abandonment , and bafflement as to what his life even meant , Randy Higgins of Nashville , Tennessee , awakened the next morning feeling a little groggy .
“ Yeah , normally I jump up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed , ready to start the day , '' said Randy , who admitted to hitting the snooze button more than once when dawn finally broke despite the darkness ’ s best efforts to keep it at bay .
“ But I just did n't have my normal pizzazz . ''
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ frozen with anxiety , unable to recall what the point of it all was .
And then a thought occurred to him : he ’ d never known what the point of it all was – and life had nevertheless continued to roll along , one day at a time .
At that point , he did leap out of bed - and proceeded to start his day with a fair semblance of enthusiasm and even pizzazz .
And as to that elusive life point ?
“ Maybe one of these days I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Randy .
“ Or maybe – wait a minute , this is blowing my mind – maybe there is no point.
” He smiled helplessly and shook his head .
“ Well , hey , no big deal either way .
I ’ ve made it this far , right ?
”

After wrestling into the dark hours of the night with shame, self-abandonment, and bafflement as to what his life even meant, Randy Higgins of Nashville, Tennessee, awakened the next morning feeling a little groggy.
“Yeah, normally I jump up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to start the day," said Randy, who admitted to hitting the snooze button more than once when dawn finally broke despite the darkness’s best efforts to keep it at bay. “But I just didn't have my normal pizzazz."
Instead, Randy found himself lying there frozen with anxiety, unable to recall what the point of it all was. And then a thought occurred to him: he’d never known what the point of it all was – and life had nevertheless continued to roll along, one day at a time.
At that point, he did leap out of bed - and proceeded to start his day with a fair semblance of enthusiasm and even pizzazz.
And as to that elusive life point?
“Maybe one of these days I’ll get it,” said Randy. “Or maybe – wait a minute, this is blowing my mind – maybe there is no point.” He smiled helplessly and shook his head. “Well, hey, no big deal either way. I’ve made it this far, right?”


thespoof--2020-05-03--New York City Mafia Members are Refusing to Shelter-in-Place

Brooklyn – The head of one of New York City ’ s most notorious crime families , says that he and his ‘ employees ’ will not shelter-in-place , and there is no one who can make them .
A reporter with The New York World Register newspaper recently talked to the head of the Goombalini family at a Pizza Hut .
Salvatore Goombalini was asked if his ‘ employees ’ would be adhering to the stay-at-home Coronavirus policy .
Sal put his pizza slice down and yelled out , “ A Hella no !
Ima notta gon na tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ta suma money collecting ta do , capiche ?
” He did mention that his HR ( Human Resources ) department has cut back on some of the less vital employees .
Sal said that he is managing to get all the money collecting done with the help of his two top hitmen , ah make that collectors , Luigi “ Crazy Brain ” Pasolini , and Gisuseppe “ Mad Maniac ” Vermicelli .
Sal , who sits on the board of directors of Brooklyn ’ s Salvatore Goombalini Hospital , divulged that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the New York Police Department , The New York Fire Department , and The New York Yankees .
He also wants his 'customers ' to know that anyone who has an outstanding bill on their sports bets , will be allowed to take a 10 % one-time only discount on what they owe .
Salvatore Goombalini did point out that he has told all of his ‘ collectors ’ to be sure and wear medical masks , medical gloves , and of course bullet-proof vests .

Brooklyn – The head of one of New York City’s most notorious crime families, says that he and his ‘employees’ will not shelter-in-place, and there is no one who can make them.
A reporter with The New York World Register newspaper recently talked to the head of the Goombalini family at a Pizza Hut.
Salvatore Goombalini was asked if his ‘employees’ would be adhering to the stay-at-home Coronavirus policy.
Sal put his pizza slice down and yelled out, “A Hella no! Ima notta gonna tell my boys ta self-isolate because we gotta suma money collecting ta do, capiche?”
He did mention that his HR (Human Resources) department has cut back on some of the less vital employees.
Sal said that he is managing to get all the money collecting done with the help of his two top hitmen, ah make that collectors, Luigi “Crazy Brain” Pasolini, and Gisuseppe “Mad Maniac” Vermicelli.
Sal, who sits on the board of directors of Brooklyn’s Salvatore Goombalini Hospital, divulged that his family has donated 30,000 medical masks to the New York Police Department, The New York Fire Department, and The New York Yankees.
He also wants his 'customers' to know that anyone who has an outstanding bill on their sports bets, will be allowed to take a 10% one-time only discount on what they owe.
Salvatore Goombalini did point out that he has told all of his ‘collectors’ to be sure and wear medical masks, medical gloves, and of course bullet-proof vests.


thespoof--2020-05-03--Joe Biden Says That Tara Sara is an Even Bigger Liar That Old “Grab ‘em By The-You-Know-What” Trump

DOVER , Delaware – Joe Biden said that , if he had a nickel for everytime that someone falsely accused him of being inappropriate , he would probably have over 6,000 nickels .
Biden spoke with Tapioca Swizzle of Tittle Tattle Tonight , and commented that he knew that there would be women , with amazing imaginations , who would most likely come out of the woodwork with great big dollar signs in their eyes .
Biden said that this Tara Sara Reade woman is simply being vindictive because , 17 years ago , he had fired her from his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they had seen her working at a strip club .
“ Blue Collar ” Joe said that he was told that she was pole dancing to the song “ You Give Love A Bad Name ” by Bon Jovi .
When Tara Sara was asked to respond to the pole dancing claim , she turned pink and said , “ I don ’ t even know what a dance pole looks like.
” She then said , “ Hell , I have never even dated a Polish dancer except for Lublino Plizzapitko back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and was quasi-gay.
” Biden stressed that he is not now , nor has he ever been , a predator as Vice-President Pence , Tucker Carlson , and Lou `` The Bullfrog '' Dobbs are suggesting .
Uncle Joey added , “ I mean , come on , man .
If you wan na see a predator , turn on the TV and take a good look at the Trumpster .
Now , that dude has all of the earmarks of a bitsgrabber .
And if you don ’ t believe me , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or Karen McDougal , or anyone of 137 other hot , sexy , luscious babes .
”

DOVER, Delaware – Joe Biden said that, if he had a nickel for everytime that someone falsely accused him of being inappropriate, he would probably have over 6,000 nickels.
Biden spoke with Tapioca Swizzle of Tittle Tattle Tonight, and commented that he knew that there would be women, with amazing imaginations, who would most likely come out of the woodwork with great big dollar signs in their eyes.
Biden said that this Tara Sara Reade woman is simply being vindictive because, 17 years ago, he had fired her from his staff, after several members said that they had seen her working at a strip club.
“Blue Collar” Joe said that he was told that she was pole dancing to the song “You Give Love A Bad Name” by Bon Jovi.
When Tara Sara was asked to respond to the pole dancing claim, she turned pink and said, “I don’t even know what a dance pole looks like.”
She then said, “Hell, I have never even dated a Polish dancer except for Lublino Plizzapitko back in 2017, but he wore lipstick and was quasi-gay.”
Biden stressed that he is not now, nor has he ever been, a predator as Vice-President Pence, Tucker Carlson, and Lou "The Bullfrog" Dobbs are suggesting.
Uncle Joey added, “I mean, come on, man. If you wanna see a predator, turn on the TV and take a good look at the Trumpster. Now, that dude has all of the earmarks of a bitsgrabber. And if you don’t believe me, then just go ask Stormy Daniels, or Karen McDougal, or anyone of 137 other hot, sexy, luscious babes.”


thespoof--2020-05-04--Protesters At Michigan Capitol Demand Haircuts

An unruly group of about 100 protesters posturing at the capitol of Michigan are demanding that governor Whitless immediately sign an executive order to allow them all to get free haircuts .
All of them have come armed with scissors and homemade signs depicting such slogans as : “ Grow a pair and let us cut our hair ” and “ Don ’ t show us your butt , just let us cut ” .
Protester , Seymore Radar , told the unassociated press that denying people from getting haircuts is akin to having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just gone too far this time , ” lamented Radar .
“ I haven ’ t had my hair cut for 6 weeks now .
People are starting to call me Cousin It.
” Another protester , Doug Dolittle , complained that he has been forced to give himself his own haircut during the course of the lockdown .
“ I do a pretty bad job , you know , ” started Dolittle .
“ I use a bowl , and cut around it .
Now I look like that kid on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about the situation , Whitless replied : “ I can not create an executive order that requires budget changes .
The state constitution clearly states that , unless the governor is a Siamese twin , which I am not , it must go through the state ’ s congress.
” One of her staff members pointed out that she could make two executive orders : one changing the constitution , and the other to provide funds for haircuts .
As of press time , the protesters changed their demands from getting haircuts to @ @ @ @

An unruly group of about 100 protesters posturing at the capitol of Michigan are demanding that governor Whitless immediately sign an executive order to allow them all to get free haircuts. All of them have come armed with scissors and homemade signs depicting such slogans as: “Grow a pair and let us cut our hair” and “Don’t show us your butt, just let us cut”.
Protester, Seymore Radar, told the unassociated press that denying people from getting haircuts is akin to having a peanut butter and jelly sandwich without the jelly.
“Whitless has just gone too far this time,” lamented Radar. “I haven’t had my hair cut for 6 weeks now. People are starting to call me Cousin It.”
Another protester, Doug Dolittle, complained that he has been forced to give himself his own haircut during the course of the lockdown.
“I do a pretty bad job, you know,” started Dolittle. “I use a bowl, and cut around it. Now I look like that kid on the Dutch Boy paint cans.”
When asked about the situation, Whitless replied: “I cannot create an executive order that requires budget changes. The state constitution clearly states that, unless the governor is a Siamese twin, which I am not, it must go through the state’s congress.”
One of her staff members pointed out that she could make two executive orders: one changing the constitution, and the other to provide funds for haircuts.
As of press time, the protesters changed their demands from getting haircuts to getting free pizza.


thespoof--2020-05-04--Advanced Buddhist Walking Meditation Incorporates Chewing Gum

For students comfortable with traditional walking meditation , Nashville meditation center Hurry Up and Sit introduced an advanced version , which also incorporates chewing gum .
Like typical walking meditation , walking and chewing gum meditation involves repeatedly - and mindfully - reclining forward from a standing position almost to the point of tipping over and then extending the foot forward so as to prevent falling .
Walking and chewing gum meditation , however , integrates the additional challenge of simultaneous mastication of a soft , gelatinous substance .
“ The tongue can either graze the roof of the mouth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ without touching anything , ” said HUS Director Andrew Chapman .
“ But the intention should be not to bite it.
” Chapman went on to explain , “ If we do n't keep expanding the boundaries of mindfulness , there 's a risk of growing complacent .
Adding an additional component to standard walking meditation can help nudge people out of a spiritual plateau.
” Helpful as it might be for some to take their walking meditation to the next level , walking and chewing gum meditation is not for everyone , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ practitioner , Lisa Siegel , reported , “ I tend to hold my breath when I walk , and I ’ m terrible at keeping my balance .
Because I ’ m trying not to fall over , I have to go very slowly and my brain focuses on that .
As a result , I ’ m much more mindful when walking.
” For students like Lisa , who are still reaping mindfulness benefits from basic walking meditation , Chapman encouraged omitting the gum-chewing for now .
“ There ’ s no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ For the average American practitioner , walking and chewing gum can wait until the next lifetime .
”

For students comfortable with traditional walking meditation, Nashville meditation center Hurry Up and Sit introduced an advanced version, which also incorporates chewing gum. Like typical walking meditation, walking and chewing gum meditation involves repeatedly - and mindfully - reclining forward from a standing position almost to the point of tipping over and then extending the foot forward so as to prevent falling. Walking and chewing gum meditation, however, integrates the additional challenge of simultaneous mastication of a soft, gelatinous substance.
“The tongue can either graze the roof of the mouth or rest naturally inside the mouth cavity without touching anything,” said HUS Director Andrew Chapman. “But the intention should be not to bite it.”
Chapman went on to explain, “If we don't keep expanding the boundaries of mindfulness, there's a risk of growing complacent. Adding an additional component to standard walking meditation can help nudge people out of a spiritual plateau.”
Helpful as it might be for some to take their walking meditation to the next level, walking and chewing gum meditation is not for everyone, cautioned Chapman. For instance, beginner practitioner, Lisa Siegel, reported, “I tend to hold my breath when I walk, and I’m terrible at keeping my balance. Because I’m trying not to fall over, I have to go very slowly and my brain focuses on that. As a result, I’m much more mindful when walking.”
For students like Lisa, who are still reaping mindfulness benefits from basic walking meditation, Chapman encouraged omitting the gum-chewing for now. “There’s no race to enlightenment,” he said. “For the average American practitioner, walking and chewing gum can wait until the next lifetime.”


thespoof--2020-05-04--Scientists find a parasite in the White House

Washington , DC .
- New epidemiological studies have found a never-before seen microbe replacing the `` Leader of the Free World '' , President Donald Trump , with some conspiracy paranoia and total ineptitude facing the global pandemic that is taking lives .
The study revealed that the main purpose of this parasite is achieving reelection through the votes of those still alive , while , in the process , getting as rich as he can at the expense of those who lose their jobs , incomes and futures .
Unfortunately , this parasite is highly-contagious , and can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ( including those on social media ) crazy , and go outside to commit suicide , and put at risk other people that makes a waste of the efforts of the many men and women who put their lives at risk in order to save us .
The WHO says that this new microbe could evolve into a global pandemic , being transmitted within the particles of the saliva of those making political speeches .
Imported cases can be seen in Brazil , the UK , China , Russia , etc .
Obviously @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cases that were caused by a lack of resources and funding .

Washington, DC. - New epidemiological studies have found a never-before seen microbe replacing the "Leader of the Free World", President Donald Trump, with some conspiracy paranoia and total ineptitude facing the global pandemic that is taking lives.
The study revealed that the main purpose of this parasite is achieving reelection through the votes of those still alive, while, in the process, getting as rich as he can at the expense of those who lose their jobs, incomes and futures.
Unfortunately, this parasite is highly-contagious, and can make other people in contact with him (including those on social media) crazy, and go outside to commit suicide, and put at risk other people that makes a waste of the efforts of the many men and women who put their lives at risk in order to save us.
The WHO says that this new microbe could evolve into a global pandemic, being transmitted within the particles of the saliva of those making political speeches. Imported cases can be seen in Brazil, the UK, China, Russia, etc.
Obviously, the WHO couldn't trace all cases that were caused by a lack of resources and funding.


thespoof--2020-05-04--Doctors Successfully Transplant a Woman’s Uvula Into Her Twin Sister

MILWAUKEE – Physicians at Milwaukee ’ s prestigious Hops Hospital have performed what is believed to be the nation ’ @ @ @ @ @ .
Dr. Lysander Cottoncastle , said that he and his team of experts removed an @ @ @ @ @ , and transplanted it into her twin sister Lottie , Swillowitz , while Lottie was @ @ @ @ @ rerun of the 1960s television doctor show , “ Dr .
Kildare ” .
The @ @ @ @ @ minutes and ten seconds , and Lottie was able to walk out of the hospital @ @ @ @ @ doctors , three nurses , and a 97-year-old patient who was recovering from a testicle @ @ @ @ @ asked Lottie how she felt , she replied that she felt as happy as a @ @ @ @ @ She was then asked if she had any side effects .
She blushed , and @ @ @ @ @ reason , she is now sexually attracted to her sister ’ s husband .

MILWAUKEE – Physicians at Milwaukee’s prestigious Hops Hospital have performed what is believed to be the nation’s first successful uvula transplant.
Dr. Lysander Cottoncastle, said that he and his team of experts removed an extra uvula from Dottie Swillowitz, and transplanted it into her twin sister Lottie, Swillowitz, while Lottie was awake, and watching a rerun of the 1960s television doctor show, “Dr. Kildare”.
The entire operation took about seven minutes and ten seconds, and Lottie was able to walk out of the hospital with the help of two doctors, three nurses, and a 97-year-old patient who was recovering from a testicle transplant.
When a nurse asked Lottie how she felt, she replied that she felt as happy as a gopher in soft dirt.
She was then asked if she had any side effects. She blushed, and said that, for some reason, she is now sexually attracted to her sister’s husband.


thespoof--2020-05-04--Misanthrope Accepts Social Distancing With A Wry Smile

BILLINGSGATE POST : When Elmer Smuckmeister heard that the Mayor of Beaver Crossing was making social distancing mandatory in this @ @ @ @ @ , the corners of his pie hole turned upwards .
Elmer was not fond of @ @ @ @ @ his neighbors .
The last time he shook hands with anyone was the first time @ @ @ @ @ .
He scowled at all forms of civility .
When offered a friendly , “ @ @ @ @ @ ” his answer was always the same .
Growing up , he was so ill-natured @ @ @ @ @ tie a porkchop around his neck so the family dog would play with him .
@ @ @ @ @ the Beaver Crossing Gazette that Mayor Bloomstrom ordered all citizens to maintain a six-foot distance @ @ @ @ @ wrote a letter to the editor complaining that it wasn ’ t far enough .
@ @ @ @ @ should be tested for rabies .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: When Elmer Smuckmeister heard that the Mayor of Beaver Crossing was making social distancing mandatory in this small farm town in Nebraska, the corners of his pie hole turned upwards.
Elmer was not fond of the usual courtesies shown by his neighbors. The last time he shook hands with anyone was the first time; and that was never.
He scowled at all forms of civility. When offered a friendly, “Howdy do, Elmer,” his answer was always the same.
“Mind your own f*cking business, asshole.”
Growing up, he was so ill-natured that his mom had to tie a porkchop around his neck so the family dog would play with him.
So when he read in the Beaver Crossing Gazette that Mayor Bloomstrom ordered all citizens to maintain a six-foot distance from each other, he wrote a letter to the editor complaining that it wasn’t far enough.
Slim: “Sum bitch should be tested for rabies.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. He’s meaner than a junkyard dog.”


thespoof--2020-05-03--Banks to Customers: The Secret to Enduring the Coronavirus Pandemic is to Borrow More Money...Do You

Banks to Customers: The Secret to Enduring the Coronavirus Pandemic is to Borrow More Money...Do Your Part!

( Cincinnati , OH ) Here in the US city with the largest concentration of banks per capita , bankers joined Governor Mike DeWine in the much-anticipated “ Reopening of Ohio ” by offering special loans and other incentives to what would traditionally be considered high-risk borrowers in the spirit of , “ ... getting the economy moving again , ” by encouraging the movement of money through the consumer system .
The state ’ s current restrictions will be lifted in three phases , starting this week .
Banks eagerly provided us a glimpse of upcoming marketing campaigns that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
From Eagle Soaring Over American Flag Credit Union , “ You may only have a paltry two-car garage at your house , so the idea of getting a third car may not make sense .
In these times of uncertainty , the opposite is true !
Think about how you spent the last two months in lock-down ... was there enough space for you to escape to isolation ?
Could you get away from the endless hours of your children with the attention spans of .
.
.
well , children ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ tackling the 'honey do ' list while you would rather be on the couch with a beer enjoying replays on the NFL channel of every Superbowl ever broadcast ?
With the virus set to return this fall , you need to set your sights on what will really get you through the next quarantine - a third car , truck , SUV , or better yet , a minivan can offer the refuge you need !
Think of it as an instant room addition to your home with a built-in stereo , DVD @ @ @ @ @ @ @ life sustaining options including WIFI , so you can stream those games , or simply relax to Teen Steam via your free subscription to Pornhub .
Some vehicles even come with built-in coolers , so a Bud Light is always within reach !
” From local lender American Freedom Bank : “ We understand that months of isolation have made you realize that your HDMI TV in the family room with Picture in Picture is so 90s .
You ’ re not a caveman !
When you return to work , take that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ turn the garage into your own personal space !
We are here to offer low-interest loans on the latest in 80-inch 4K curved screen technology , so you can watch Honey Boo Boo pretend to snort a line of cocaine or make every hair on Joe Exotic ’ s bleached mullet tingle you larger than life .
Everything you watch can reach out to you on a wall-to-wall screen of jaw-dropping brilliance in your man-cave !
Act now and we will throw in a not-really-obsolete Dolby 5.1 surround system with massive 3 ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a way of saying ‘ thank you ’ for your trust and continued support of us encouraging Congress to roll back the Dodd-Frank Act , even though you have no clue what that is !
” Bucket List travel ideas also received attention from the banks , with special rates for pre-booking cruises , who have assured they will soon be open and safer before for you to book that dream trip to an exotic destination like St. Thomas , and gorge on all of the fried shrimp served under a heat lamp @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that once-in-a-lifetime airline flight to Santorini or other far away destinations , where you can still find a McDonald ’ s when you ’ re homesick .
Borrow , and book now , so you don ’ t have to spend more later when air travel is possibly considered somewhat safe again !
And don ’ t forget about America ’ s most popular theme parks - the perfect way to buy your children 's love back after using them as leverage in your recent , bitter divorce .
Your kids will forever @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you spring for a Snow White matching gold and blue Gucci-designed face mask !
Don ’ t worry , we ’ ve been told the seven dwarves are now six , because they got rid of Sneezy !
” These last few months of economic stagnation have left many without job income and forced to make incredible sacrifices just to survive .
America ’ s banks have also suffered but are ready to get the country back on its feet helping the middle class be successful - by borrowing money to supplement their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Remember , signing for a bank loan is like getting a nice , warm bear hug of cash !

(Cincinnati, OH) Here in the US city with the largest concentration of banks per capita, bankers joined Governor Mike DeWine in the much-anticipated “Reopening of Ohio” by offering special loans and other incentives to what would traditionally be considered high-risk borrowers in the spirit of, “...getting the economy moving again,” by encouraging the movement of money through the consumer system.
The state’s current restrictions will be lifted in three phases, starting this week. Banks eagerly provided us a glimpse of upcoming marketing campaigns that they will employ in the first phase.
From Eagle Soaring Over American Flag Credit Union, “You may only have a paltry two-car garage at your house, so the idea of getting a third car may not make sense. In these times of uncertainty, the opposite is true! Think about how you spent the last two months in lock-down...was there enough space for you to escape to isolation? Could you get away from the endless hours of your children with the attention spans of . . . well, children? How about your wife nagging you about tackling the 'honey do' list while you would rather be on the couch with a beer enjoying replays on the NFL channel of every Superbowl ever broadcast? With the virus set to return this fall, you need to set your sights on what will really get you through the next quarantine - a third car, truck, SUV, or better yet, a minivan can offer the refuge you need! Think of it as an instant room addition to your home with a built-in stereo, DVD player, and any number of other life sustaining options including WIFI, so you can stream those games, or simply relax to Teen Steam via your free subscription to Pornhub. Some vehicles even come with built-in coolers, so a Bud Light is always within reach!”
From local lender American Freedom Bank: “We understand that months of isolation have made you realize that your HDMI TV in the family room with Picture in Picture is so 90s. You’re not a caveman! When you return to work, take that risk to borrow the money needed to turn the garage into your own personal space! We are here to offer low-interest loans on the latest in 80-inch 4K curved screen technology, so you can watch Honey Boo Boo pretend to snort a line of cocaine or make every hair on Joe Exotic’s bleached mullet tingle you larger than life. Everything you watch can reach out to you on a wall-to-wall screen of jaw-dropping brilliance in your man-cave! Act now and we will throw in a not-really-obsolete Dolby 5.1 surround system with massive 3” speakers at no cost...just as a way of saying ‘thank you’ for your trust and continued support of us encouraging Congress to roll back the Dodd-Frank Act, even though you have no clue what that is!”
Bucket List travel ideas also received attention from the banks, with special rates for pre-booking cruises, who have assured they will soon be open and safer before for you to book that dream trip to an exotic destination like St. Thomas, and gorge on all of the fried shrimp served under a heat lamp you can eat! Or, book that once-in-a-lifetime airline flight to Santorini or other far away destinations, where you can still find a McDonald’s when you’re homesick. Borrow, and book now, so you don’t have to spend more later when air travel is possibly considered somewhat safe again! And don’t forget about America’s most popular theme parks - the perfect way to buy your children's love back after using them as leverage in your recent, bitter divorce. Your kids will forever remember you as their favorite parent when you spring for a Snow White matching gold and blue Gucci-designed face mask! Don’t worry, we’ve been told the seven dwarves are now six, because they got rid of Sneezy!”
These last few months of economic stagnation have left many without job income and forced to make incredible sacrifices just to survive. America’s banks have also suffered but are ready to get the country back on its feet helping the middle class be successful - by borrowing money to supplement their meager wages to make ends meet. Remember, signing for a bank loan is like getting a nice, warm bear hug of cash!


thespoof--2020-05-05--Biden's Bland Yet Forceful Denial of Sexual Assault Allegations Gives Americans New Hope for Nation

Desperate for a glimpse of a light at the end of the “ Trump tunnel , ” Americans troubled by the sexual assault allegations made by former Senate aide , Tara Reade , against presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden , felt renewed hope for the nation , after Biden blandly , yet forcefully , denied remembering engaging in non-consensual sexual contact with Reade .
“ I had no idea how he was possibly going to respond to these extremely detailed allegations , ” said Janet McIntire of Nashville , Tennessee , “ but his blanket denial really impressed me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ definitely exceeded them.
” Annette Johnson of St. Louis , Missouri , agreed .
“ They were such highly credible accusations , and he met them with good humor and grace .
It was very refreshing - a true testament to his character .
I think it 's clear that we 've finally found the leader who can save our country from its current downward trajectory to oblivion . ''
And Ken Chase of Nashville , Tennessee , said that , to him , Biden 's sensitive , overtly human response to Reade @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new era of true American `` greatness , '' in the form of honesty , integrity , and mutual respect .
“ We haven ’ t had such an honorable man in office since Bill Clinton , ” said Chase .
“ Things are finally looking up for the good old U-S-of-A . ''

Desperate for a glimpse of a light at the end of the “Trump tunnel,” Americans troubled by the sexual assault allegations made by former Senate aide, Tara Reade, against presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden, felt renewed hope for the nation, after Biden blandly, yet forcefully, denied remembering engaging in non-consensual sexual contact with Reade.
“I had no idea how he was possibly going to respond to these extremely detailed allegations,” said Janet McIntire of Nashville, Tennessee, “but his blanket denial really impressed me. Whatever my expectations were, he definitely exceeded them.”
Annette Johnson of St. Louis, Missouri, agreed. “They were such highly credible accusations, and he met them with good humor and grace. It was very refreshing - a true testament to his character. I think it's clear that we've finally found the leader who can save our country from its current downward trajectory to oblivion."
And Ken Chase of Nashville, Tennessee, said that, to him, Biden's sensitive, overtly human response to Reade’s accusations offered promise of a new era of true American "greatness," in the form of honesty, integrity, and mutual respect. “We haven’t had such an honorable man in office since Bill Clinton,” said Chase. “Things are finally looking up for the good old U-S-of-A."


thespoof--2020-05-05--A Bar in Georgia Changes Its Name to the C-19 Good Old Boy Lounge

SAVANNAH , Georgia – The owner of one of the biggest bars in the city of Savannah has just changed its name .
Charlotte Silverwater , who is owner of The Dixie Belle Bar & Grill , informed the news media that she has decided to open her saloon doors , now that Georgia has told its citizens , `` Hey , ya 'll get your butts back to work . ''
Silverwater , who is 27 , and recently divorced , said that , to show everyone that she is not at all afraid of the Coronavirus , she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to The C-19 Good Old Boy Lounge .
Lottie , pointed out that her scantily-clad bar waitresses have agreed to wear even shorter shorts .
She divulged that the shorts will be made out of a type of burlap material , that has been treated four times with Scotch-Guard , and sprayed with an anti-bacterial foaming agent know as Germs-Away .
Lottie , a former Miss Savannah , went on to say that dancing will be banned , unless the dancers agree to sign a waiver promising to dance at least six feet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mentioned that lap dances will be strictly forbidden , unless they take place secretly in the liquor storage room in the back of the establishment .
Lottie pointed out that Happy Hour will now be called Happy Hours , and the time will be between noon and midnight .
Charlotte said that each patron will receive free chips , free guacamole dip , and free Spicy Siracha Burgers from the Jack-in-the-Box , located next door .

SAVANNAH, Georgia – The owner of one of the biggest bars in the city of Savannah has just changed its name.
Charlotte Silverwater, who is owner of The Dixie Belle Bar & Grill, informed the news media that she has decided to open her saloon doors, now that Georgia has told its citizens, "Hey, ya'll get your butts back to work."
Silverwater, who is 27, and recently divorced, said that, to show everyone that she is not at all afraid of the Coronavirus, she has changed the name of her bar to The C-19 Good Old Boy Lounge.
Lottie, pointed out that her scantily-clad bar waitresses have agreed to wear even shorter shorts.
She divulged that the shorts will be made out of a type of burlap material, that has been treated four times with Scotch-Guard, and sprayed with an anti-bacterial foaming agent know as Germs-Away.
Lottie, a former Miss Savannah, went on to say that dancing will be banned, unless the dancers agree to sign a waiver promising to dance at least six feet from their dance partner.
Miss Stillwater mentioned that lap dances will be strictly forbidden, unless they take place secretly in the liquor storage room in the back of the establishment.
Lottie pointed out that Happy Hour will now be called Happy Hours, and the time will be between noon and midnight.
Charlotte said that each patron will receive free chips, free guacamole dip, and free Spicy Siracha Burgers from the Jack-in-the-Box, located next door.


thespoof--2020-05-05--The Madonna–Taylor Swift Feud Flares Up

The Madonna–Taylor Swift Feud Flares Up

NEW YORK CITY – The Right Coast Revue is reporting that Madonna is at it again .
She has just started a feud with America ’ s darling , Taylor Swift .
The 61-year-old singer can not seem to accept the fact that she has now become as relevant as an 8-track player .
Twenty years ago , the fake blonde was voted the Most Conceited Female Singer in the Entire USA by The Hackensack Unveiler Chronicle newspaper , and by Scotland ’ s Ye Olde Lass News Agency .
Tilapia Frisbee , with the RCR , remarked that there @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , who has feuded with more fellow singers , comedians , or drummers than the elderly Madonna .
Frisbee noted that the “ Material Girl ” has gotten into heated feuds with Miley Cyrus , Justin Bieber , Sofia Vergara , and even the former first lady , Michelle Obama .
Madonna recently said that the only reason Taylor has so many hit songs is because she writes about her dozens of ex-boyfriends and how they all mistreated her .
Tay-Tay ( Swift ) shot back saying that that Madonna is so old @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But the Michigan grandmother , who sang “ Like A Virgin ” , had her most publicized feud with Pope Benedict XVI .
Madonna allegedly said that the pope drinks way too much wine .
The pope angrily fired back , pointing out that he has never seen a woman with as much thigh cellulite as the self-centered , 'biatch ' , La Madonna .

NEW YORK CITY – The Right Coast Revue is reporting that Madonna is at it again. She has just started a feud with America’s darling, Taylor Swift.
The 61-year-old singer cannot seem to accept the fact that she has now become as relevant as an 8-track player.
Twenty years ago, the fake blonde was voted the Most Conceited Female Singer in the Entire USA by The Hackensack Unveiler Chronicle newspaper, and by Scotland’s Ye Olde Lass News Agency.
Tilapia Frisbee, with the RCR, remarked that there is no singer, male or female, who has feuded with more fellow singers, comedians, or drummers than the elderly Madonna.
Frisbee noted that the “Material Girl” has gotten into heated feuds with Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber, Sofia Vergara, and even the former first lady, Michelle Obama.
Madonna recently said that the only reason Taylor has so many hit songs is because she writes about her dozens of ex-boyfriends and how they all mistreated her.
Tay-Tay (Swift) shot back saying that that Madonna is so old that her social security number is 000-04-2313.
But the Michigan grandmother, who sang “Like A Virgin”, had her most publicized feud with Pope Benedict XVI.
Madonna allegedly said that the pope drinks way too much wine.
The pope angrily fired back, pointing out that he has never seen a woman with as much thigh cellulite as the self-centered, 'biatch', La Madonna.


thespoof--2020-05-05--President Trump Asked What He Would Do If He Were To Catch The Coronavirus

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump was asked at his daily Press Conference/Campaign Pep Rally about himself possibly getting the COVID-19 flu virus .
The president instantly jumped on the reporter for asking him yet another ‘ gotcha ’ question .
The reporter identified as Durango Tucker , with National Focus Magazine , fired back that it was not a gotcha question .
He then remarked that a gotcha question would be something like “ Mr .
President , everyone knows that you are a pathological liar , so why do you still keep insisting that you aren ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ Okay , Tucky , let me get back to your first question.
” Tucker shook his head , “ Ah , no , sir ; Iasked what you would do if you were to catch the C-19 flu virus.
” The president replied that there is no way that he could ever catch COVID-19 .
“ Because of four very perfectly good perfect reasons .
The first one is simply because I am a Republican , and everyone knows that Republicans do not get the Coronavirus.
” “ Secondly , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ knows that rich as hell people do not get the Coronavirus.
” “ Thirdly , with my tremendously high IQ of 203 , I am immune to getting the Chinese Flu.
” “ And fifthly , I jog at least 8.4 miles a day , and recent medical research studies have shown that people who jog at least three miles daily , will not come down with the flu virus.
” “ Simply amazing , ” Tucker said , shaking his head like a bobblehead toy .
Just then , a reporter from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
Is this the friggin ’ Twilight Zone , or are we all being punked ? ''

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump was asked at his daily Press Conference/Campaign Pep Rally about himself possibly getting the COVID-19 flu virus.
The president instantly jumped on the reporter for asking him yet another ‘gotcha’ question.
The reporter identified as Durango Tucker, with National Focus Magazine, fired back that it was not a gotcha question.
He then remarked that a gotcha question would be something like “Mr. President, everyone knows that you are a pathological liar, so why do you still keep insisting that you aren’t?”
The president smirked and said, “Okay, Tucky, let me get back to your first question.”
“You asked about my skyrocketing popularity, right?”
Tucker shook his head, “Ah, no, sir; Iasked what you would do if you were to catch the C-19 flu virus.”
The president replied that there is no way that he could ever catch COVID-19.
“Why not?” he was asked.
“Because of four very perfectly good perfect reasons. The first one is simply because I am a Republican, and everyone knows that Republicans do not get the Coronavirus.”
“Secondly, I am rich as hell, and everyone knows that rich as hell people do not get the Coronavirus.”
“Thirdly, with my tremendously high IQ of 203, I am immune to getting the Chinese Flu.”
“And fifthly, I jog at least 8.4 miles a day, and recent medical research studies have shown that people who jog at least three miles daily, will not come down with the flu virus.”
“Simply amazing,” Tucker said, shaking his head like a bobblehead toy.
Just then, a reporter from the back hollered out, “WTF! Is this the friggin’ Twilight Zone, or are we all being punked?"


thespoof--2020-05-05--Piers Morgan Says That President Trump Needs to Resign Before He Turns America Into Guatemala

LONDON – Piers Morgan , who is a co-host on the morning show , Good Morning Britain , is totally infatuated with Queen Elizabeth , Stella Artois Beer , and fog .
He has recently had a falling out with President Trump , or as Morgan calls him , “ The Tweeter-in-Chief ” .
Morgan , who was deported from the USA for very personal reasons involving a lap dancer , was speaking with a reporter for The Ta Ta For Now News Agency .
Loretta Piffinshaw asked Morgan what kind of a grade he would give the American president @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beer , and said , “ Oh , that ’ s an easy one .
I would give the 'Pied Piper of the Potomac ’ an F minus.
” “ Oh , yes .
I mean , in just three and a half years , the belligerent bloke has uttered over 16,000 lies .
And not just little white lies , but big , gigantic bloomin ’ doozies.
” Morgan added , “ If POTUS was Pinocchio , the chap ’ s nose would be as long as London bridge.
” Piers has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that , if Trump does not resign , and resign soon , he will single-handedly turn the great United States of America into Guatemala .

LONDON – Piers Morgan, who is a co-host on the morning show, Good Morning Britain, is totally infatuated with Queen Elizabeth, Stella Artois Beer, and fog.
He has recently had a falling out with President Trump, or as Morgan calls him, “The Tweeter-in-Chief”.
Morgan, who was deported from the USA for very personal reasons involving a lap dancer, was speaking with a reporter for The Ta Ta For Now News Agency.
Loretta Piffinshaw asked Morgan what kind of a grade he would give the American president.
Piers took a drink of his beer, and said, “Oh, that’s an easy one. I would give the 'Pied Piper of the Potomac’ an F minus.”
“An F minus?” Piffinshaw said.
“Oh, yes. I mean, in just three and a half years, the belligerent bloke has uttered over 16,000 lies. And not just little white lies, but big, gigantic bloomin’ doozies.”
Morgan added, “If POTUS was Pinocchio, the chap’s nose would be as long as London bridge.”
Piers has given several interviews where he emphatically states that, if Trump does not resign, and resign soon, he will single-handedly turn the great United States of America into Guatemala.


thespoof--2020-05-06--Suicidal Man Seeks Covid-19 Infection

Suicidal Man Seeks Covid-19 Infection

Madison Ave. , New York City .
Special to The Spoof .
A timid , despondent man was sent to the psychiatric ward at Bellevue today after repeated attempts to contract the Covid-19 virus by hugging intensive care virus patients at Queens Hospital here .
The unidentified advertising executive in a so-so Madison Avenue firm , who had been furloughed without pay because ad sales were down in the pandemic , posed as a paramedic from Musk , Wyoming , who had come to New York to aid overworked medical professionals treating virus victims .
He appeared at the entry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ amid a flurry of reporters and TV cameras .
No one seemed to question his story , and he entered the hospital .
A half hour later , a doctor called police when the man was seen hugging and kissing Covid-19 patients , particularly those who were coughing or sneezing .
The obviously despondent man told police he was deeply in debt , had numerous bills coming due next week , and was too timid to commit suicide by gun , rope or poison .
So , he figured he would die with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tried kissing women on the street , going to crowded hot tubs that were illegally open , and riding in standing room only buses .
Nothing worked .
As a last resort , he tried the paramedic charade .
Early reports from Bellevue indicate the man is full of antibodies that would forever prevent him from contracting Covid-19 .
As a result , various pharmaceutical labs and medical research schools have offered him lucrative contracts to let them experiment on him in a effort to learn more about the effect of the antibodies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ consulting with a financial adviser .

Madison Ave., New York City. Special to The Spoof. A timid, despondent man was sent to the psychiatric ward at Bellevue today after repeated attempts to contract the Covid-19 virus by hugging intensive care virus patients at Queens Hospital here.
The unidentified advertising executive in a so-so Madison Avenue firm, who had been furloughed without pay because ad sales were down in the pandemic, posed as a paramedic from Musk, Wyoming, who had come to New York to aid overworked medical professionals treating virus victims. He appeared at the entry to Queens dressed in medical wear, amid a flurry of reporters and TV cameras. No one seemed to question his story, and he entered the hospital. A half hour later, a doctor called police when the man was seen hugging and kissing Covid-19 patients, particularly those who were coughing or sneezing.
The obviously despondent man told police he was deeply in debt, had numerous bills coming due next week, and was too timid to commit suicide by gun, rope or poison. So, he figured he would die with the virus. Unfortunately, he had tried kissing women on the street, going to crowded hot tubs that were illegally open, and riding in standing room only buses. Nothing worked. As a last resort, he tried the paramedic charade.
Early reports from Bellevue indicate the man is full of antibodies that would forever prevent him from contracting Covid-19. As a result, various pharmaceutical labs and medical research schools have offered him lucrative contracts to let them experiment on him in a effort to learn more about the effect of the antibodies on the Coronavirus. He is currently consulting with a financial adviser.


thespoof--2020-05-05--Future Presidential Candidate Snorting Cocaine & Touching Up Women Thinking It's Totally 'Rad'

Future presidential candidate , Richard Harper , 22 , was last week enjoying a spring break vacation with his buddies , totally unaware that his antics would one day ruin his chances of becoming the 55th President of these United States .
Without a care in the world , Harper snorted four lines of coke before heading to a nightclub with his college friends , where he grabbed girl 's bottoms , rubbed against their backs , and , on two occasions , copped a feel of a pair of breasts .
Posing for selfies as he lit up a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his actions would come back and haunt him 40 years from now .
The loose cannon 22-year-old , who one day will get his act together and attend law school before running for Governor in 2042 , will try to erase any trace of last weeks ' events ; unfortunately , political opponents will be contacted by a former friend who will call Harper , ' a fucking crazy dude who liked to party , smoke , get high and touch girls ' .
Other friends would then come out of the woodwork @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ hey , everybody , we need to get fucked up !
Let ’ s do some shots , man !
Do it !
Pass me a smoke nigga . ''
Today though , Harper still does not realize how much he will regret posting photos of himself online drunk , with a 'blackface ' , and visibly touching a teenage girl 's crotch .
This reporter tried to reach out to Harper , but was told by friends that the 'crazy-ass mothafucka ' had just downed 10 beers and a half bottle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see his dealer .

Future presidential candidate, Richard Harper, 22, was last week enjoying a spring break vacation with his buddies, totally unaware that his antics would one day ruin his chances of becoming the 55th President of these United States.
Without a care in the world, Harper snorted four lines of coke before heading to a nightclub with his college friends, where he grabbed girl's bottoms, rubbed against their backs, and, on two occasions, copped a feel of a pair of breasts. Posing for selfies as he lit up a joint, Harper had no inkling that his actions would come back and haunt him 40 years from now.
The loose cannon 22-year-old, who one day will get his act together and attend law school before running for Governor in 2042, will try to erase any trace of last weeks' events; unfortunately, political opponents will be contacted by a former friend who will call Harper, 'a fucking crazy dude who liked to party, smoke, get high and touch girls'.
Other friends would then come out of the woodwork claiming that the politician would often scream “hey, everybody, we need to get fucked up! Let’s do some shots, man! Do it! Pass me a smoke nigga."
Today though, Harper still does not realize how much he will regret posting photos of himself online drunk, with a 'blackface', and visibly touching a teenage girl's crotch.
This reporter tried to reach out to Harper, but was told by friends that the 'crazy-ass mothafucka' had just downed 10 beers and a half bottle of vodka, and was driving to see his dealer.


thespoof--2020-05-05--The United Red States Of America By Mitch McConnell

Senator Mitch McConnell of the state of Kentucky , population 6 million , ( or thereabout ) is renaming the United States , the The United Red States of America .
Why ?
Because he can .
Though he was elected by less than 6 million voters from the red state of Kentucky , and because of his seniority in the Senate , he holds the title of the Majority Leader of the Senate .
He can do anything he wants to do .
While appropriating money during the coronavirus pandemic for the states , he said , “ No @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blue states go bankrupt !
” The bankruptcy didn ’ t sit too well for the blue state governors .
“ Hey , hey , hey , ” said Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York , “ that ’ s the dumbest thing I ever heard of .
Blue states bail out states like Kentucky with our tax dollars .
We put billions into the federal tax pot .
Kentucky takes out much , much more than Kentucky puts into that tax pot .
New York state could have a greater school system @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bail out states like Kentucky every year .
And McConnell says let New York go bankrupt during a pandemic ?
” During the last administration , McConnell prevented President Obama from making an appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court .
McConnell claimed that a president could n't appoint a new member to the Supreme Court in the last six months of his presidency .
Easy .
He just made up that could n't .
When asked if Donald Trump could appoint a new member to the Supreme Court in the last six months @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Sure , why not ?
” Something is smelling stinky from Kentucky .
But former Marine Corps fighter pilot , Amy McGrath , who flew 89 missions against al-Qaeda and the Taliban , may just take care of that something smelling stinky from Kentucky .
Amy McGrath is running against Mitch McConnell for his Senate seat .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Senator Mitch McConnell of the state of Kentucky, population 6 million, (or thereabout) is renaming the United States, the The United Red States of America.
Why? Because he can.
Though he was elected by less than 6 million voters from the red state of Kentucky, and because of his seniority in the Senate, he holds the title of the Majority Leader of the Senate. He can do anything he wants to do. While appropriating money during the coronavirus pandemic for the states, he said, “No money for blue states. Let the blue states go bankrupt!”
The bankruptcy didn’t sit too well for the blue state governors.
“Hey, hey, hey,” said Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York, “that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard of. Blue states bail out states like Kentucky with our tax dollars. We put billions into the federal tax pot. Kentucky takes out much, much more than Kentucky puts into that tax pot. New York state could have a greater school system if we didn’t have to bail out states like Kentucky every year. And McConnell says let New York go bankrupt during a pandemic?”
Yes.
During the last administration, McConnell prevented President Obama from making an appointment to the U.S. Supreme Court. McConnell claimed that a president couldn't appoint a new member to the Supreme Court in the last six months of his presidency.
Why?
Easy. He just made up that couldn't. When asked if Donald Trump could appoint a new member to the Supreme Court in the last six months of his office, McConnell said, “Sure, why not?”
Something is smelling stinky from Kentucky.
But former Marine Corps fighter pilot, Amy McGrath, who flew 89 missions against al-Qaeda and the Taliban, may just take care of that something smelling stinky from Kentucky. Amy McGrath is running against Mitch McConnell for his Senate seat.
"Hey, hey, hey!"
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-05-05--Pope Authorizes Social Distance Baptisms Using Water Pistols

`` Over our 2,000-year history , the Church has always adjusted , '' said Pope Francis , as he announced a major change in baptisms rituals and canonical law to reflect the coronavirus situation .
According to the New Testament , Jesus of Nazareth was submerged into the Enon River by John ( aka the `` Baptist '' ) as a symbol of purification and devotion .
Christians have been conducting the same ritual for 2,000 years -- until coronavirus came along .
According to Vatican Spokesperson , Matteo Bruni , effective immediately , all parish priests , monsignors , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ baptize the faithful using social distance techniques .
`` We will leave it up to the individual parishes to decide which apparatus to use .
For instance , an infant or child , a small water pistol should be sufficient .
However , for an older person who converts and has lived wickedly , a water canon may be in order .
It all depends . ''
If members of the Holy Family parish in Manati , Puerto Rico , are representative , Pope Francis has support of the congregation .
`` This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the idea of using a water pistol , hose or water canon depending on the person .
My granddaughter was baptized traditionally prior to coronavirus .
But with coronavirus , a water pistol would be fine '' , said Yvette Rivera .
Although Catholics have an innovative solution , ironically , Baptists are paralyzed by coronavirus .
Sammy Tippit , President , Baptist Evangelists , expressed his feeling recently in a newsletter , `` If we use water pistols , hoses , or whatever , we are no longer true baptists , we @ @ @ @ @ @

"Over our 2,000-year history, the Church has always adjusted," said Pope Francis, as he announced a major change in baptisms rituals and canonical law to reflect the coronavirus situation. According to the New Testament, Jesus of Nazareth was submerged into the Enon River by John (aka the "Baptist") as a symbol of purification and devotion. Christians have been conducting the same ritual for 2,000 years--until coronavirus came along.
According to Vatican Spokesperson, Matteo Bruni, effective immediately, all parish priests, monsignors, bishops, cardinals, and archbishops may baptize the faithful using social distance techniques. "We will leave it up to the individual parishes to decide which apparatus to use. For instance, an infant or child, a small water pistol should be sufficient. However, for an older person who converts and has lived wickedly, a water canon may be in order. It all depends."
If members of the Holy Family parish in Manati, Puerto Rico, are representative, Pope Francis has support of the congregation. "This is a common-sense solution. I like the idea of using a water pistol, hose or water canon depending on the person. My granddaughter was baptized traditionally prior to coronavirus. But with coronavirus, a water pistol would be fine", said Yvette Rivera.
Although Catholics have an innovative solution, ironically, Baptists are paralyzed by coronavirus. Sammy Tippit, President, Baptist Evangelists, expressed his feeling recently in a newsletter, "If we use water pistols, hoses, or whatever, we are no longer true baptists, we are just the soakers."


thespoof--2020-05-05--No Winner Declared Yet in the Red Tribe Vs. Blue Tribe Social Media Political Propaganda Spinning Co

No Winner Declared Yet in the Red Tribe Vs. Blue Tribe Social Media Political Propaganda Spinning Contest

Washington - After years of posting mindless and pointless political arguments on social media outlets like Twitter and Facebook , millions of participants in the great online political propaganda pissing contest , who have nothing better to do than to try and convince someone or anyone that their information spinners are superior to , and have indeed destroyed , the opposing logic twisters , have been told by reliable sources that there have been no changed minds as a result of their folly .
As a result , they have been advised to either continue their constant reposting of their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ someday , someone will actually change their stripes and switch tribes because of their efforts , or actually just move on , and post something interesting and informative on their social media timelines .
`` I was under the impression that everyone in the Democratic Party had walked away and joined the GOP at this point , '' exclaimed one participant upon finding that this was not the case .
`` Now , I just post pictures of my kids and what I 've been eating lately . ''
`` Trump lied for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , people on the right are going to notice , '' replied one opposing tribal member .

Washington - After years of posting mindless and pointless political arguments on social media outlets like Twitter and Facebook, millions of participants in the great online political propaganda pissing contest, who have nothing better to do than to try and convince someone or anyone that their information spinners are superior to, and have indeed destroyed, the opposing logic twisters, have been told by reliable sources that there have been no changed minds as a result of their folly.
As a result, they have been advised to either continue their constant reposting of their favorite fact-distorting gurus in hopes that, someday, someone will actually change their stripes and switch tribes because of their efforts, or actually just move on, and post something interesting and informative on their social media timelines.
"I was under the impression that everyone in the Democratic Party had walked away and joined the GOP at this point," exclaimed one participant upon finding that this was not the case. "Now, I just post pictures of my kids and what I've been eating lately."
"Trump lied for the 56,905th time yesterday. Pretty soon, people on the right are going to notice," replied one opposing tribal member.


thespoof--2020-05-05--Man TYPING IN CAPS Angry About Everything!!

Fort Lauderdale man , Tatty J. Mullett Jnr , expressed his anger at the Chinese , Donald Trump , Jews @ @ @ @ @ Miami Dolphins , God , and Ellen Degeneres by typing in ALL CAPS when responding @ @ @ @ @ website discussion board .
Calling the Chinese FUCKING DIRTY BASTARDS and DOG EATING CUNTS !
@ @ @ @ @ reportedly then went on to write that the President was A COMPLETE TWAT for not @ @ @ @ @ China .
He then went on to write that Jews were responsible for EVERY FUCKING @ @ @ @ @ in his life .
Actress Meghan Markle did not escape his wrath .
At one @ @ @ @ @ was A MONEY-GRABBING WHORE and A TWO-FACED TWAT .
Nothing was held back when he @ @ @ @ @ Miami Dolphins football team .
According to Mullett , they were CRAP !
CRAP !
@ @ @ @ @ to state that God could EAT MY ASS , and that Ellen Degeneres was a @ @ @ @ @ BITCH WHORE !
!
!
!
!

Fort Lauderdale man, Tatty J. Mullett Jnr, expressed his anger at the Chinese, Donald Trump, Jews, Meghan Markle, The Miami Dolphins, God, and Ellen Degeneres by typing in ALL CAPS when responding to messages posted on a website discussion board.
Calling the Chinese FUCKING DIRTY BASTARDS and DOG EATING CUNTS!! Mullett, 48, reportedly then went on to write that the President was A COMPLETE TWAT for not bombing THE FUCK out of China.
He then went on to write that Jews were responsible for EVERY FUCKING THING that has gone wrong in his life. Actress Meghan Markle did not escape his wrath. At one point he wrote that she was A MONEY-GRABBING WHORE and A TWO-FACED TWAT. Nothing was held back when he then started raging about the Miami Dolphins football team. According to Mullett, they were CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!
He then went to state that God could EAT MY ASS, and that Ellen Degeneres was a talentless, unfunny FUCKING DYKE BITCH WHORE!!!!!


thespoof--2020-05-06--Trump Holds News Conference With Single Fox News Reporter About Coronavirus Origin and Treatments

Washington - After his daily Covid-19 news conferences with multiple White House correspondents and reporters resulted in embarrassingly ridiculous comments @ @ @ @ @ and questioned by the incredulous attendees , President Donald Trump has decided to hold future @ @ @ @ @ single reporter present from Fox News .
Wearing a leisure shirt and pin-striped pants , @ @ @ @ @ News staffer his beliefs that the virus was a hoax designed to derail his campaign @ @ @ @ @ uv light and injecting household cleaners into patients might control the virus , that he @ @ @ @ @ came out of a Chinese laboratory , and anyone questioning his pronouncements were just plain @ @ @ @ @ appeared without experts like Dr. Anthony Fauci to comment on his claims .
Trump 's @ @ @ @ @ News on the Sean Hannity show , with Mr. Hannity praising Trump and condemning the @ @ @ @ @ as `` tools of the elite and deep state '' .

Washington - After his daily Covid-19 news conferences with multiple White House correspondents and reporters resulted in embarrassingly ridiculous comments being disseminated to the public and questioned by the incredulous attendees, President Donald Trump has decided to hold future meetings by himself with a single reporter present from Fox News.
Wearing a leisure shirt and pin-striped pants, Trump repeated to the Fox News staffer his beliefs that the virus was a hoax designed to derail his campaign for reelection, that shining uv light and injecting household cleaners into patients might control the virus, that he has proof that the virus came out of a Chinese laboratory, and anyone questioning his pronouncements were just plain "nasty".
Trump appeared without experts like Dr. Anthony Fauci to comment on his claims. Trump's comments were translated by Fox News on the Sean Hannity show, with Mr. Hannity praising Trump and condemning the scientific experts and the media as "tools of the elite and deep state".


thespoof--2020-05-06--Sweden to Be Extradited to United States for Violating American COVID-19 Guidelines

The United States is taking steps to extradite the country of Sweden , which declined to impose a nationwide lockdown in response to the coronavirus pandemic and , instead , encouraged citizens to practice good judgment and limit contact with vulnerable populations , for trial in the U.S. on charges of violating the Espionage Act of 1917 by deviating from the COVID-19 guidelines endorsed by the American media .
The most serious of the charges stated in the novel 17-count indictment against Sweden is treason .
“ As a world citizen , Sweden owed a sacred duty to maintain the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , politically correct , and generally pretty smart , ” said United States President Donald Trump .
“ Instead , when this pandemic came along , they did n't even pretend to blindly follow our lead .
They flagrantly did their own thing .
It was a slap in the face.
” While there is no evidence that Sweden sabotaged or even directly criticized the American lockdown approach , Trump noted that evidence of direct Swedish opposition was not required ; the country ’ s implicit flouting of American supremacy was sufficient to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as described in the Espionage Act .
Unfortunately , complicating Sweden 's extradition to the U.S. are the travel restrictions currently in place in the United States due to COVID-19 .
Due to the logistical difficulties posed by a physical trial , Trump stated that the federal government has begun plea bargain negotiations with the rogue nation .
“ We ’ ll make a deal if we have to , ” said Trump .
“ But only if they give us herd immunity from the coronavirus . ''

The United States is taking steps to extradite the country of Sweden, which declined to impose a nationwide lockdown in response to the coronavirus pandemic and, instead, encouraged citizens to practice good judgment and limit contact with vulnerable populations, for trial in the U.S. on charges of violating the Espionage Act of 1917 by deviating from the COVID-19 guidelines endorsed by the American media. The most serious of the charges stated in the novel 17-count indictment against Sweden is treason.
“As a world citizen, Sweden owed a sacred duty to maintain the image of the United States as health-conscious, politically correct, and generally pretty smart,” said United States President Donald Trump. “Instead, when this pandemic came along, they didn't even pretend to blindly follow our lead. They flagrantly did their own thing. It was a slap in the face.”
While there is no evidence that Sweden sabotaged or even directly criticized the American lockdown approach, Trump noted that evidence of direct Swedish opposition was not required; the country’s implicit flouting of American supremacy was sufficient to establish “insubordination in the military” as described in the Espionage Act.
Unfortunately, complicating Sweden's extradition to the U.S. are the travel restrictions currently in place in the United States due to COVID-19. Due to the logistical difficulties posed by a physical trial, Trump stated that the federal government has begun plea bargain negotiations with the rogue nation.
“We’ll make a deal if we have to,” said Trump. “But only if they give us herd immunity from the coronavirus."


thespoof--2020-05-06--Serial Murderer Released To Make Room For Barber Shop Owner

BILLINGSGATE POST : In a heartwarming gesture , Walter “ Chainsaw ” Williams , who was sentenced to life in @ @ @ @ @ sawing up nineteen victims in a nine-day crime spree , relinquished his cell in San @ @ @ @ @ Scissors ” Henshaw , the owner of a three-chair barbershop in Oakland , could have @ @ @ @ @ After being given the opportunity to personally apologize to Governor Newsom for violating his rules @ @ @ @ @ or face jail time , Scissors told the judge he would rather rot in jail @ @ @ @ @ Judge Harriet “ Hardtime ” Hamilton , a Governor Moonbeam appointee , slammed her gavel @ @ @ @ @ at Henshaw : “ How about this , wise guy .
You can do both.
@ @ @ @ @ you to seven days in prison without food or drink.
” Slim : “ I @ @ @ @ @ got the nickname , Hardtime.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
How would @ @ @ @ @ with her ?
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a heartwarming gesture, Walter “Chainsaw” Williams, who was sentenced to life in prison without parole for gruesomely sawing up nineteen victims in a nine-day crime spree, relinquished his cell in San Quentin so that Willy “Scissors” Henshaw, the owner of a three-chair barbershop in Oakland, could have his own private cell.
After being given the opportunity to personally apologize to Governor Newsom for violating his rules regarding non-essential business operations, or face jail time, Scissors told the judge he would rather rot in jail than starve to death.
Judge Harriet “Hardtime” Hamilton, a Governor Moonbeam appointee, slammed her gavel down and threw the book at Henshaw:
“How about this, wise guy. You can do both.”
“I hereby sentence you to seven days in prison without food or drink.”
Slim: “I always wondered how the judge got the nickname, Hardtime.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. How would you like to hook up with her?”


thespoof--2020-05-07--President Trump Agrees to Lend California $348 Million

SACRAMENTO – The state of California informed the president that it desperately needs a bailout loan .
Governor Gavin Newsom stated that they need to continue to pay unemployment benefits , as well as to make the state 's huge earthquake insurance payment .
The governor also noted that some of the money will go to purchase medical masks , medical gloves , and medical tongue depressors for the state 's first , second , and third responders .
Reporters asked him about the funds that were needed to make much-needed repairs to the La Brea Tar Pits .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ loan money will be given directly to the La Brea Tar Pits Restoration Society , so that they can totally drain the swamp pits of the old , smelly , yucky tar , and replace it with brand , new , fresh , state-of-the-art industrial tar .
The governor also said that $ 13.8 million will go to totally replace the air conditioning system in the Beverly Hills Complex for Retired Movie Stunt Men and Stunt Women .
He was asked about the horrendous smog situation .
He said that they will finally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ purchase 10 humongous industrial fans from China .
These fans will be situated at select locales throughout the greater Los Angeles area , and , when turned on , they will blow at least 97.3 % of the hellacious smog across the California-Nevada border .

SACRAMENTO – The state of California informed the president that it desperately needs a bailout loan.
Governor Gavin Newsom stated that they need to continue to pay unemployment benefits, as well as to make the state's huge earthquake insurance payment.
The governor also noted that some of the money will go to purchase medical masks, medical gloves, and medical tongue depressors for the state's first, second, and third responders.
Reporters asked him about the funds that were needed to make much-needed repairs to the La Brea Tar Pits.
He commented that $22.2 million of the loan money will be given directly to the La Brea Tar Pits Restoration Society, so that they can totally drain the swamp pits of the old, smelly, yucky tar, and replace it with brand, new, fresh, state-of-the-art industrial tar.
The governor also said that $13.8 million will go to totally replace the air conditioning system in the Beverly Hills Complex for Retired Movie Stunt Men and Stunt Women.
He was asked about the horrendous smog situation. He said that they will finally get the $42.1 million funding to purchase 10 humongous industrial fans from China.
These fans will be situated at select locales throughout the greater Los Angeles area, and, when turned on, they will blow at least 97.3% of the hellacious smog across the California-Nevada border.