thespoof--2020-04-08--Arkansas Grocery Stores are Limiting Customers to Only 2 Bottles of Beer Per Person

LITTLE ROCK – The governor of Arkansas , Asa Hutchinson , has just issued a proclamation proclaiming that all adult residents of the state will now only be allowed to purchase two beers per day .
He said that he hated to put that sanction in , knowing that most of the state ’ s adults really and truly need to drink beer on a daily basis .
One Fayetteville resident , Tinker “ The Guzzler ” Sidestrickler , 42 , remarked that he is used to drinking at least 12 beers a day .
He confessed that he is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ drink two beers per day will do to his already somewhat semi-flawed personality .
He added that his wife Jolene Jo , 19 , is already making plans to move in with her mama , Jo Gina Pluckity , in Hot Springs , a good 186 miles away .
Jolene Jo reportedly told a neighbor that she is afraid that , if Tinker is only limited to two beers a day , he will go bat shit crazy and maybe rob a liquor store , or even worse , hijack a Budweiser truck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will have state-sanctioned therapists who are experts on beer drinking available 24/7 at Happy Hank ’ s Bar & Grill .

LITTLE ROCK – The governor of Arkansas, Asa Hutchinson, has just issued a proclamation proclaiming that all adult residents of the state will now only be allowed to purchase two beers per day.
He said that he hated to put that sanction in, knowing that most of the state’s adults really and truly need to drink beer on a daily basis.
One Fayetteville resident, Tinker “The Guzzler” Sidestrickler, 42, remarked that he is used to drinking at least 12 beers a day.
He confessed that he is afraid of what only being allowed to drink two beers per day will do to his already somewhat semi-flawed personality.
He added that his wife Jolene Jo, 19, is already making plans to move in with her mama, Jo Gina Pluckity, in Hot Springs, a good 186 miles away.
Jolene Jo reportedly told a neighbor that she is afraid that, if Tinker is only limited to two beers a day, he will go bat shit crazy and maybe rob a liquor store, or even worse, hijack a Budweiser truck.
The governor did say that he will have state-sanctioned therapists who are experts on beer drinking available 24/7 at Happy Hank’s Bar & Grill.


thespoof--2020-04-09--FEMA Buys Five Million Ventilators From Krane Corp.

The White House , Washington D.C. On orders from an unhinged president who , in the wake of the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ explain the lack of medical ventilators in the national stockpile , the Federal Emergency Management @ @ @ @ @ purchased five million ventilators from Krane Corporation for delivery within a month .
Since Krane @ @ @ @ @ ventilators in the world , with production facilities on three continents , FEMA is virtually @ @ @ @ @ .
The order , however , was not specific regarding the nature of the ventilators @ @ @ @ @ said their warehouse had three million in stock , FEMA said `` send them '' @ @ @ @ @ .
Anxious to get the ventilators quickly to stem the criticism from The Spoof and @ @ @ @ @ one at FEMA apparently bothered to ask what kind of ventilators the ones in stock @ @ @ @ @ school classroom ventilators .

The White House, Washington D.C. On orders from an unhinged president who, in the wake of the coronavirus pandemic has been unable to explain the lack of medical ventilators in the national stockpile, the Federal Emergency Management Agency - FEMA - today purchased five million ventilators from Krane Corporation for delivery within a month.
Since Krane is the largest manufacturer of ventilators in the world, with production facilities on three continents, FEMA is virtually assured of a speedy delivery. The order, however, was not specific regarding the nature of the ventilators. The Krane sales office said their warehouse had three million in stock, FEMA said "send them", and shipments have started.
Anxious to get the ventilators quickly to stem the criticism from The Spoof and the liberal press, no one at FEMA apparently bothered to ask what kind of ventilators the ones in stock were. Krane only makes school classroom ventilators.


thespoof--2020-04-12--STD Numbers Drop For The First Time in 17 Years

CHICAGO – Recent polls report that STD numbers are at the lowest level that they have been since March of 2003 .
The figures clearly show that , since so many individuals are now sheltering-in-place , the incidences of vodie oh doeing have just about hit rock bottom .
One of the nation 's leading sex experts , Angelina Cappaletti , 57 , said that , even if individuals wanted to date , there is nowhere for them to go , other than on a date to their neighborhood grocery store or gasoline station .
Lorna Lou Fitzgerald , 42 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that she is still seeing most of her clients , but through the world of “ Face Timing ” .
She pointed out that a vast amount of her female clients have said that they have discovered the wondrous world of “ adult sex toys ” .
One woman , who worked at a Hooters , said that , after ordering and receiving her mail order sex toy and trying it out , she has decided that she will be breaking up with her boyfriend of eight months .
She said that she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never says that her clothes don ’ t look good , or that her make-up looks weird , or that she really needs to make an effort to remember to shave both legs and not just one .
IN CLOSING - The Detroit Daily Divulger is reporting that the number of STD cases have really fallen significantly in San Francisco , Atlanta , Pocatello , and Denmark .

CHICAGO – Recent polls report that STD numbers are at the lowest level that they have been since March of 2003.
The figures clearly show that, since so many individuals are now sheltering-in-place, the incidences of vodie oh doeing have just about hit rock bottom.
One of the nation's leading sex experts, Angelina Cappaletti, 57, said that, even if individuals wanted to date, there is nowhere for them to go, other than on a date to their neighborhood grocery store or gasoline station.
Lorna Lou Fitzgerald, 42, a Baltimore sex therapist, commented that she is still seeing most of her clients, but through the world of “Face Timing”.
She pointed out that a vast amount of her female clients have said that they have discovered the wondrous world of “adult sex toys”.
One woman, who worked at a Hooters, said that, after ordering and receiving her mail order sex toy and trying it out, she has decided that she will be breaking up with her boyfriend of eight months.
She said that she loves her new sex toy because it never says that her clothes don’t look good, or that her make-up looks weird, or that she really needs to make an effort to remember to shave both legs and not just one.
IN CLOSING - The Detroit Daily Divulger is reporting that the number of STD cases have really fallen significantly in San Francisco, Atlanta, Pocatello, and Denmark.


thespoof--2020-04-08--President Trump Agrees To Stop Calling COVID-19 The Chinese Flu, The Wuhan Flu, and The Chinese Curs

President Trump Agrees To Stop Calling COVID-19 The Chinese Flu, The Wuhan Flu, and The Chinese Curse

WASHINGTON , D.C. – After speaking on the phone with the Chinese leader Xi Jinping for 17 minutes , President Trump has said that he will no longer refer to the Coronavirus as the Chinese Flu , the Wuhan Flu , or The Chinese Curse .
Xi Jinping told the media that he was thrilled that the U.S. leader has eased up on his bullying antics .
Trump , meanwhile , said that the Chinese leader has agreed to continue to ship egg rolls and fortune cookies to the USA .
The New York Sun Observer is reporting that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ halt the shipment of eight different types of Chinese foods including the ever popular Frozen Peking Roasted Duck Simmered in Picante Sauce .
Trump said that San Francisco ’ s Chinatown and New York City ’ s Chinatown had both called the White House , extremely concerned about the possibility of not getting their usual supply of fortune cookies .
POTUS reportedly said that he will keep the flow of Chinese food items flowing to the U.S. , but he insisted that all of the residents of both Chinatowns vote for him in @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After speaking on the phone with the Chinese leader Xi Jinping for 17 minutes, President Trump has said that he will no longer refer to the Coronavirus as the Chinese Flu, the Wuhan Flu, or The Chinese Curse.
Xi Jinping told the media that he was thrilled that the U.S. leader has eased up on his bullying antics.
Trump, meanwhile, said that the Chinese leader has agreed to continue to ship egg rolls and fortune cookies to the USA.
The New York Sun Observer is reporting that the Chinese leader had in fact threatened to halt the shipment of eight different types of Chinese foods including the ever popular Frozen Peking Roasted Duck Simmered in Picante Sauce.
Trump said that San Francisco’s Chinatown and New York City’s Chinatown had both called the White House, extremely concerned about the possibility of not getting their usual supply of fortune cookies.
POTUS reportedly said that he will keep the flow of Chinese food items flowing to the U.S., but he insisted that all of the residents of both Chinatowns vote for him in November.


thespoof--2020-04-08--Long-forgotten Goat-Boy still not remembered

Failed Superhero , Goat-Boy is still not being remembered , even during lock-down .
The 19-year-old Super-Hero , who was @ @ @ @ @ a radioactive goat before saving the city of Gothaming on the Mantelpiece from his childhood @ @ @ @ @ yet to be even mentioned on any forums .
Comic book nerd , Kevin , @ @ @ @ @ faint memories of Goat-Boy and Adrian , I am yet to even see him mentioned @ @ @ @ @ we nerds are all over the forums , we argue about films , about girls @ @ @ @ @ even been near any , your lockdown is temporary , for us , it is @ @ @ @ @ yet to hear him mentioned , anyway . '
'Perhaps , ' Kevin continued , @ @ @ @ @ a politics forum and ask the questions there .
I mean , everybody is really @ @ @ @ @ , are n't they ? '

Failed Superhero, Goat-Boy is still not being remembered, even during lock-down.
The 19-year-old Super-Hero, who was bitten and then kicked by a radioactive goat before saving the city of Gothaming on the Mantelpiece from his childhood nemesis, Adrian, is yet to be even mentioned on any forums.
Comic book nerd, Kevin, said: 'Although I have faint memories of Goat-Boy and Adrian, I am yet to even see him mentioned anywhere. I mean, we nerds are all over the forums, we argue about films, about girls (not that we have even been near any, your lockdown is temporary, for us, it is permanent) but I am yet to hear him mentioned, anyway.'
'Perhaps,' Kevin continued, 'I will go in a politics forum and ask the questions there. I mean, everybody is really nice in a politics forum, aren't they?'


thespoof--2020-04-07--Low-Self-Esteem Suspect Has Trouble Believing He Truly Warrants Arrest

“ It was just hard for me to believe I truly deserved it , '' said 19-year-old alleged armed robber Darien Keller of Nashville , Tennessee , after a high-speed police chase involving over 20 vehicles and an additional dozen officers on foot finally led to his apprehension in a back alley in East Nashville , in the execution of an outstanding warrant for his arrest .
“ I ’ d never gotten that much attention before.
” Keller explained that growing up in a dysfunctional household left him with abandonment issues and a sense of low self-esteem - problems @ @ @ @ @ @ @ adulthood .
In addition , his neglectful upbringing often left him feeling invisible .
`` No one ever noticed what I did , '' he said .
That feeling of invisibility translated into a sense of invincibility when it came to burglarizing houses , said Keller .
“ How could I get caught if no one could even see me ?
” Of course , Keller did end up getting caught .
According to Keller , his recent arrest proved to him that he ’ s not invisible , and his actions do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Those cops dropped everything just to find me , ” he said , shaking his head in wonder .
“ I was their number-one priority .
Honestly , it ’ s still incredible to me.
” Although his arrest went a long way in combatting his low sense of self-worth , Keller , now in jail and awaiting trial , says that he is dealing with a crippling case of imposter syndrome .
“ Everyone thinks I ’ m this badass criminal mastermind , '' he said .
`` But basically , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I did n't actually have a gun .
And I 'm not even that smart .
I feel like a fraud.
” Still , with the help of tools like individual counseling , cognitive behavioral therapy , and affirmations , Keller says that he is finally coming to believe that he did warrant his arrest – and also a whole lot more .
“ I ’ m learning I don ’ t have to be anyone but me , '' he said .
`` That ’ s enough .
”

“It was just hard for me to believe I truly deserved it," said 19-year-old alleged armed robber Darien Keller of Nashville, Tennessee, after a high-speed police chase involving over 20 vehicles and an additional dozen officers on foot finally led to his apprehension in a back alley in East Nashville, in the execution of an outstanding warrant for his arrest. “I’d never gotten that much attention before.”
Keller explained that growing up in a dysfunctional household left him with abandonment issues and a sense of low self-esteem - problems he continues to wrestle with in his adulthood. In addition, his neglectful upbringing often left him feeling invisible. "No one ever noticed what I did," he said.
That feeling of invisibility translated into a sense of invincibility when it came to burglarizing houses, said Keller. “How could I get caught if no one could even see me?”
Of course, Keller did end up getting caught. According to Keller, his recent arrest proved to him that he’s not invisible, and his actions do matter – and so does he. “Those cops dropped everything just to find me,” he said, shaking his head in wonder. “I was their number-one priority. Honestly, it’s still incredible to me.”
Although his arrest went a long way in combatting his low sense of self-worth, Keller, now in jail and awaiting trial, says that he is dealing with a crippling case of imposter syndrome. “Everyone thinks I’m this badass criminal mastermind," he said. "But basically, I'm just a kid, and I didn't actually have a gun. And I'm not even that smart. I feel like a fraud.”
Still, with the help of tools like individual counseling, cognitive behavioral therapy, and affirmations, Keller says that he is finally coming to believe that he did warrant his arrest – and also a whole lot more. “I’m learning I don’t have to be anyone but me," he said. "That’s enough.”


thespoof--2020-04-11--Bored Woman Sends Anonymous Threats to Neighbors to Lighten Mood

April 8 , 2020 ( Cameron Park ) .
Dozens of residents of a middle class Cameron Park neighborhood reported receiving threatening , anonymous notes in their mailboxes .
Sheriff Mahoney initially declined to investigate , citing all manpower was dedicated to patrolling violations of social distancing protocols .
Mahoney stated , `` We are committed to protecting our citizenry from higher threats , such as only walking five feet from each other instead of six .
We even invested in extra yardsticks to outfit every deputy . ''
When reminded it was an election year , Mahoney grudgingly acknowledged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to investigate , but pointed out it was n't necessary .
`` What broke this case wide open , '' the Sheriff proudly related , rocking back on his heels with his thumbs tucked into his belt , `` was when Kitty Schneider walked into our station and confessed to the deed . ''
Kitty Schneider , 42 , who lives in the affected neighborhood with her husband Roberto and their two dogs , admits , `` Yeah , it was me .
I was only trying to inject a little levity into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sad and depressed , so I thought I would give them something to think about besides the pandemic . ''
She continued , ' I got the idea from binge-watching the old Jimmy Stewart movie Rear Window , where he spies on his neighbors and is convinced one of them is a murderer .
Great movie !
And I thought , why not send threatening notes to my neighbors and get them excited and bonded as a community .
You know , things like ' I saw what you hid in your garden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out for your cat ' .
I do n't see what the hullabaloo is about .
Com'on , ca n't you people take a joke ? ''
Ginny McDuff , who lives across the street and down two houses from Kitty , confided to the Cameron Park Clarion reporter , `` I 'm not surprised at all that the culprit is that crazy Kitty Schneider .
I hear her constantly screeching at her poor husband , 'You are NOT going outside again ' , and `` Oh NOOO .
It is not even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ eat dinner this early . ''
When pressed , Ginny agreed reluctantly that Kitty might have been yelling at her dogs but nevertheless , Ginny insisted , `` That Kitty is still one fearsome woman , and she never waves hello like normal people ; everyone knows you ca n't be a bad person if you wave at your neighbors , so obviously , something 's terribly wrong with her . ''
Sheriff Mahoney declined to press charges because , after all , it was a harmless prank .
He advised Schneider to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people had better senses of humor .

April 8, 2020 (Cameron Park). Dozens of residents of a middle class Cameron Park neighborhood reported receiving threatening, anonymous notes in their mailboxes. Sheriff Mahoney initially declined to investigate, citing all manpower was dedicated to patrolling violations of social distancing protocols. Mahoney stated, "We are committed to protecting our citizenry from higher threats, such as only walking five feet from each other instead of six. We even invested in extra yardsticks to outfit every deputy."
When reminded it was an election year, Mahoney grudgingly acknowledged that he might have spared one deputy to investigate, but pointed out it wasn't necessary.
"What broke this case wide open," the Sheriff proudly related, rocking back on his heels with his thumbs tucked into his belt, "was when Kitty Schneider walked into our station and confessed to the deed."
Kitty Schneider, 42, who lives in the affected neighborhood with her husband Roberto and their two dogs, admits, "Yeah, it was me. I was only trying to inject a little levity into the craziness around us. People seem sad and depressed, so I thought I would give them something to think about besides the pandemic."
She continued, 'I got the idea from binge-watching the old Jimmy Stewart movie Rear Window, where he spies on his neighbors and is convinced one of them is a murderer. Great movie! And I thought, why not send threatening notes to my neighbors and get them excited and bonded as a community. You know, things like 'I saw what you hid in your garden', and 'you'd better watch out for your cat'. I don't see what the hullabaloo is about. Com'on, can't you people take a joke?"
Ginny McDuff, who lives across the street and down two houses from Kitty, confided to the Cameron Park Clarion reporter, "I'm not surprised at all that the culprit is that crazy Kitty Schneider. I hear her constantly screeching at her poor husband, 'You are NOT going outside again', and "Oh NOOO. It is not even 5pm--you are NOT going to eat dinner this early."
When pressed, Ginny agreed reluctantly that Kitty might have been yelling at her dogs but nevertheless, Ginny insisted, "That Kitty is still one fearsome woman, and she never waves hello like normal people; everyone knows you can't be a bad person if you wave at your neighbors, so obviously, something's terribly wrong with her."
Sheriff Mahoney declined to press charges because, after all, it was a harmless prank. He advised Schneider to move to a different neighborhood where the people had better senses of humor.


thespoof--2020-04-08--Ruth Bader Ginsburg Corrects “No Ho” Limerick Decision

BILLINGSGATE POST : After receiving a blistering call from Associate Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg , who wrote the majority ruling referred to below , the editors of the BILLINGSGATE POST stand corrected .
In the original limerick published earlier this week , we incorrectly transmitted the ruling .
The first line in the limerick read : `` We have ruled Lewinsky no ho , '' According to Ginsburg , it should have read , `` We have ruled Lewinsky , she no ho.
” We have ruled Lewinsky no ho Because `` is '' does not include fellatio @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kaczynski 's letters went splat He must serve life in the hoosegow .
To correspond with this correction , Justice Clarence Thomas agreed to change the line in his limerical dissent to read , `` Therefore , Monica , she ho , through and through . ''
The original line read , `` Therefore , Monica was a ho , through and through.
” We dissenters have agreed this to be true After arguing until our faces turned blue The Lewinsky and Kaczynski cases were linked In both instances there was a dink @ @ @ @ @ @ @ through and through .
Note : The editors apologize to all who were offended by this inadvertent error .
To show how deeply we were affected by this journalistic blunder , we have fired our Ebonics translator .
Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
I thought you had a gift for languages .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: After receiving a blistering call from Associate Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who wrote the majority ruling referred to below, the editors of the BILLINGSGATE POST stand corrected. In the original limerick published earlier this week, we incorrectly transmitted the ruling. The first line in the limerick read: "We have ruled Lewinsky no ho,"
According to Ginsburg, it should have read, "We have ruled Lewinsky, she be no ho.”
The original version:
We have ruled Lewinsky no ho
Because "is" does not include fellatio
However, we have concluded that
Since Kaczynski's letters went splat
He must serve life in the hoosegow.
To correspond with this correction, Justice Clarence Thomas agreed to change the line in his limerical dissent to read, "Therefore, Monica, she be ho, through and through."
The original line read, "Therefore, Monica was a ho, through and through.”
We dissenters have agreed this to be true
After arguing until our faces turned blue
The Lewinsky and Kaczynski cases were linked
In both instances there was a dink
Therefore, Monica was a ho, through and through.
Note: The editors apologize to all who were offended by this inadvertent error. To show how deeply we were affected by this journalistic blunder, we have fired our Ebonics translator.
Slim: “Never understood Ebonics, no how.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I thought you had a gift for languages.”


thespoof--2020-04-06--The President Trump - Governor Cuomo Feud is Getting Uglier by The New York Minute

NEW YORK CITY – Lately the president has been criticizing New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and saying that he is @ @ @ @ @ medical items such as medical masks , band-aids , tongue depressors , and placebo pills @ @ @ @ @ responding by saying that in case the president has forgotten the state of New York @ @ @ @ @ the United States just like Montana , Mississippi , and Michigan are .
The president @ @ @ @ @ to the red states to see that they get presidential preferential treatment since after all @ @ @ @ @ .
Governor Cuomo responded by saying that , that is just not the way the @ @ @ @ @ said that Connie , as the Constitution is affectionately referred to in Queens and in @ @ @ @ @ All states are created equal and should therefore all be given the same amount of @ @ @ @ @ tri-corner-hats that the other states are given .
”

NEW YORK CITY – Lately the president has been criticizing New York Governor Andrew Cuomo and saying that he is asking for way too many medical items such as medical masks, band-aids, tongue depressors, and placebo pills.
The governor has been responding by saying that in case the president has forgotten the state of New York is still a part of the United States just like Montana, Mississippi, and Michigan are.
The president feels like he owes it to the red states to see that they get presidential preferential treatment since after all they did vote for him.
Governor Cuomo responded by saying that, that is just not the way the Constitution reads.
He then said that Connie, as the Constitution is affectionately referred to in Queens and in Brooklyn, clearly states “All states are created equal and should therefore all be given the same amount of maize, muskets, and tri-corner-hats that the other states are given.”
POTUS asked, “What the hell are tri-corner-hats?”


thespoof--2020-04-07--Will Trump Appoint Jared Captain Of The USS Theodore Roosevelt, And Did Trump Drop The Ball On Coron

Will Trump Appoint Jared Captain Of The USS Theodore Roosevelt, And Did Trump Drop The Ball On Coronavirus?

Answer to the first question : Why not ?
Answer to the second question : Yes !
About the Aircraft Carrier USS Theodore Rosevelt .
Jared Kushner is perhaps the most unqualified person to command the aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt , or a destroyer , ferry boat , schooner , or canoe .
Maybe a paddleboat , but not an inner tube .
He could slip through .
But he ’ s Trump ’ s son-in-law , so , he has any job Trump wants to give him .
Does he know how to swim ?
It doesn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ so the kid ’ s got the job .
He ’ ll be properly fitted with a navy officer ’ s jacket , covered with gold braid , matched with the right size cap , with scrambled eggs scattered across the visor .
While Kushner might think that the bridge is a fancy card game , he ’ ll eventually figure it out .
To get back to the second question .
Did Trump drop the ball on coronavirus ?
Told of the approaching pandemic on January 1 , Trump was too busy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with impeachment destiny , thanks to a Republican Senate .
Denouncing the impeachment hearings as a witch hunt promoted by shifty Adam Schiff and crazy Nancy Pelosi , he had his MAGA people cheering along with him .
Unfortunately , it wasn ’ t until March that the words pandemic and coronavirus penetrated the hair shellac .
Governor of California , Gavin Newsom , was responsible enough to pick up the ball for his state back in January .
He prepared California for the deadly virus that was approaching .
Same with Governor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , February , Trump was still in denial , professing his belief that coronavirus was like the flu .
That it would go away in two weeks .
It would vanish like a miracle with the warmer weather .
Resorting to his usual juvenile practice , Trump called Governor Newsom a clown and Governor Inslee , a snake .
Four months after the first warnings of a pandemic , the governors are racing against time to locate ventilators , beds , face masks , and personal protection equipment .
Jared claims it 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have happened if Hillary Clinton were President .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Answer to the first question: Why not?
Answer to the second question: Yes!
About the Aircraft Carrier USS Theodore Rosevelt. Jared Kushner is perhaps the most unqualified person to command the aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt, or a destroyer, ferry boat, schooner, or canoe. Maybe a paddleboat, but not an inner tube. He could slip through. But he’s Trump’s son-in-law, so, he has any job Trump wants to give him.
Does he know how to swim? It doesn’t matter.
The father-in-law makes appointments, so the kid’s got the job. He’ll be properly fitted with a navy officer’s jacket, covered with gold braid, matched with the right size cap, with scrambled eggs scattered across the visor.
While Kushner might think that the bridge is a fancy card game, he’ll eventually figure it out.
Hooyah!
To get back to the second question. Did Trump drop the ball on coronavirus?
Yes. You betcha!
Told of the approaching pandemic on January 1, Trump was too busy having victory rallies after missing his date with impeachment destiny, thanks to a Republican Senate. Denouncing the impeachment hearings as a witch hunt promoted by shifty Adam Schiff and crazy Nancy Pelosi, he had his MAGA people cheering along with him.
Unfortunately, it wasn’t until March that the words pandemic and coronavirus penetrated the hair shellac.
Governor of California, Gavin Newsom, was responsible enough to pick up the ball for his state back in January. He prepared California for the deadly virus that was approaching. Same with Governor Jay Inslee of Washington state.
January, February, Trump was still in denial, professing his belief that coronavirus was like the flu. That it would go away in two weeks. It would vanish like a miracle with the warmer weather. Resorting to his usual juvenile practice, Trump called Governor Newsom a clown and Governor Inslee, a snake.
Four months after the first warnings of a pandemic, the governors are racing against time to locate ventilators, beds, face masks, and personal protection equipment. Jared claims it's his equipment.
This pandemic would never have happened if Hillary Clinton were President.
Trump dropped the ball.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-04-06--Trump Groupies Insist that "More Libtards are Being Triggered" by Redundant Nonsense "Than Ever Befo

Trump Groupies Insist that "More Libtards are Being Triggered" by Redundant Nonsense "Than Ever Before"

Washington - While a nation sheltered at home in response to the Coronavirus pandemic , mindless followers of Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ and support for their exalted leader by showing up at rallies , consoled themselves by @ @ @ @ @ circulating memes and posts on Facebook , Twitter and Instagram , declaring that those who @ @ @ @ @ savior must be stewing and suffering in silence , cowering in their places of refuge @ @ @ @ @ the same falsehoods , conspiracy theories , false narratives and outright lies as he did @ @ @ @ @ outraging , then amusing , and finally just boring most observers .
However , steadfast @ @ @ @ @ posting the bad information to see how many `` libtards and dumbocrats '' they could @ @ @ @ @ idiotic claims .
`` I posted a great meme about the Deep State conspiracy to @ @ @ @ @ discredit Trump , and got , like , 13 comments , '' said one minion @ @ @ @ @ `` It must be all they 're thinking about right now . ''

Washington - While a nation sheltered at home in response to the Coronavirus pandemic, mindless followers of Donald Trump, unable to show love and support for their exalted leader by showing up at rallies, consoled themselves by taking to social media and circulating memes and posts on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, declaring that those who don't worship their god-like savior must be stewing and suffering in silence, cowering in their places of refuge.
Trump continues to push the same falsehoods, conspiracy theories, false narratives and outright lies as he did four years ago, first outraging, then amusing, and finally just boring most observers. However, steadfast Trump groupies still delighted in posting the bad information to see how many "libtards and dumbocrats" they could get to comment on the idiotic claims.
"I posted a great meme about the Deep State conspiracy to create a Coronavirus Hoax to discredit Trump, and got, like, 13 comments," said one minion on Facebook, yesterday. "It must be all they're thinking about right now."


thespoof--2020-04-07--CA Gov Urges Residents to Panic Buy and Hoard

April 1 , 2020 ( Sacramento , CA ) .
California Governor Newsom has urged all CA residents to storm their local grocery and hardware stores to boost the economy and show support for local businesses .
He dismissed critics ' concerns about violating social distancing protocols .
`` Listen , '' he said in an exclusive interview with the SacBee , `` it is much more important that our residents get out there and buy , buy , buy everything they see , even if they do n't think they need it , or do n't know what to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ might need it four months from now -- and maybe even have a use for it .
You can never stockpile or hoard too much . ''
He continued , `` Just remember : we are all in this together , so make sure you get yours first . ''
According to the Bee , other states are adopting a cautious wait-and-see policy to see if Newsom 's novel approach is successful , before they urge their states ' residents to also panic buy and hoard .
Some states reported that their residents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ government intervention .
President Trump was unavailable for comment because he was 'too busy ' praying for calm .
Fortunately , your SacBee is joining other media outlets in a lawsuit against Trump praying and violating separation of church and state .

April 1, 2020 (Sacramento, CA). California Governor Newsom has urged all CA residents to storm their local grocery and hardware stores to boost the economy and show support for local businesses.
He dismissed critics' concerns about violating social distancing protocols. "Listen," he said in an exclusive interview with the SacBee, "it is much more important that our residents get out there and buy, buy, buy everything they see, even if they don't think they need it, or don't know what to do with it, because they just might need it four months from now--and maybe even have a use for it. You can never stockpile or hoard too much."
He continued, "Just remember: we are all in this together, so make sure you get yours first."
According to the Bee, other states are adopting a cautious wait-and-see policy to see if Newsom's novel approach is successful, before they urge their states' residents to also panic buy and hoard.
Some states reported that their residents were already pursuing this policy without any government intervention.
President Trump was unavailable for comment because he was 'too busy' praying for calm. Fortunately, your SacBee is joining other media outlets in a lawsuit against Trump praying and violating separation of church and state.


thespoof--2020-04-08--A Homeless Man Finds Jeffrey Epstein’s Diary In a Dumpster

MANHATTAN – An officer with the NYPD has just made a discovery that will certainly have a huge effect on a lot of highly influential men .
Officer Daphne Andruzzi said that a homeless man showed her a diary that he found in a dumpster .
Upon inspecting the diary , the officer noted that it was the personal diary of Jeffrey Epstein .
The diary was taken down to the precinct headquarters , where it was further examined by the department 's head of books , diaries , and CDs .
After running several DNA tests , it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ authentic , and does in fact belong to the late Jeffrey Epstein .
Due to the extremely explosive nature of this diary , it is now sitting in a vault at the Lower Manhattan Continental Army Bank .
An unnamed source said that the diary contained hundreds of names of well-known , highly-influential individuals with initials such as BC , AD , JJ , PA , DJT , and fourteen members of the now defunct Pittsburgh Pythons semi-pro football team .
A high-ranking bank official with the LMCAB informed The New York World @ @ @ @ @ @ @ received seven offers from unnamed individuals who are representing extremely concerned unnamed individuals about purchasing the diary which is filled with acts of perversion .
One of the purchasing agents who said that he was representing a very well-known ex-college wrestling coach reportedly made an offer of $ 7.3 million ( in cash ) for the hot diary .

MANHATTAN – An officer with the NYPD has just made a discovery that will certainly have a huge effect on a lot of highly influential men.
Officer Daphne Andruzzi said that a homeless man showed her a diary that he found in a dumpster.
Upon inspecting the diary, the officer noted that it was the personal diary of Jeffrey Epstein.
The diary was taken down to the precinct headquarters, where it was further examined by the department's head of books, diaries, and CDs.
After running several DNA tests, it was established that the diary is 100% authentic, and does in fact belong to the late Jeffrey Epstein.
Due to the extremely explosive nature of this diary, it is now sitting in a vault at the Lower Manhattan Continental Army Bank.
An unnamed source said that the diary contained hundreds of names of well-known, highly-influential individuals with initials such as BC, AD, JJ, PA, DJT, and fourteen members of the now defunct Pittsburgh Pythons semi-pro football team.
A high-ranking bank official with the LMCAB informed The New York World Register newspaper that the bank has already received seven offers from unnamed individuals who are representing extremely concerned unnamed individuals about purchasing the diary which is filled with acts of perversion.
One of the purchasing agents who said that he was representing a very well-known ex-college wrestling coach reportedly made an offer of $7.3 million (in cash) for the hot diary.


thespoof--2020-04-16--Elk Stuck In Mud Was Left To Die

Elk Stuck In Mud Was Left To Die

Animal escapades often make good stories , especially if they have happy endings , but that was n't the case for one unlucky elk in Canada , this week , when two hunters spotted the poor beast trapped in mud , but decided it was too dangerous to rescue it , and left it to die .
The incident happened at the Kluane National Park , in the Yukon , when William Rogers and Roger Williams came upon the magnificent animal , which had inadvertently wandered about 20 meters into a quagmire of mud , and was stuck fast .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ are beautiful creatures .
We thought for ten minutes about how we were going to bring it out to safety , but there was a lot of danger , and we were frightened we might end up in the same position as the elk . ''
`` I agree .
And I have an irrational fear of mud .
And spiders .
And heights .
I was scared , and , although elks are noble animals , they 're not worth risking your life for . ''
The elk said nothing , but @ @ @ @ @ @

Animal escapades often make good stories, especially if they have happy endings, but that wasn't the case for one unlucky elk in Canada, this week, when two hunters spotted the poor beast trapped in mud, but decided it was too dangerous to rescue it, and left it to die.
The incident happened at the Kluane National Park, in the Yukon, when William Rogers and Roger Williams came upon the magnificent animal, which had inadvertently wandered about 20 meters into a quagmire of mud, and was stuck fast.
Mr Rogers said:
"We love animals, and elks are beautiful creatures. We thought for ten minutes about how we were going to bring it out to safety, but there was a lot of danger, and we were frightened we might end up in the same position as the elk."
Roger agreed:
"I agree. And I have an irrational fear of mud. And spiders. And heights. I was scared, and, although elks are noble animals, they're not worth risking your life for."
The elk said nothing, but thought a lot about cowardice.


thespoof--2020-04-13--President Trump Touts “Game-changer Bigger Than Hydrochloroquine" in Battle Against Coronavirus Spre

President Trump Touts “Game-changer Bigger Than Hydrochloroquine" in Battle Against Coronavirus Spread

( Washington , DC ) President Trump excitedly took to the podium in today ’ s White House Coronavirus briefing by proclaiming he had uncovered a miracle breakthrough in the battle to fight the spread of the highly-contagious virus , and was fast-tracking funding to companies who can begin immediate mass production of the solution .
“ This will be a miracle game-changer bigger and way more effective than my previous recommendation that the country shove Lupis and rheumatoid arthritis patients out of the way to hoard and take massive doses of Hydroclor- , Hyrdraqu- , Hydru- , you know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ African malaria drug.
” He continued : “ A study shown to me by Dr. Fauci , you all know him , he is a very famous doctor on infectious diseases , came from some medical University of Vienna over that big body of water .
It said the China virus can be stopped dead , you know , dead in its tracks by great use of some chemical called ‘ Liquid Uric Acid ’ .
” Trump paused for a moment , sniffled deeply , and continued : “ The study says @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in stopping the spread of the China virus through somebody touching a contaminated surface that has been treated.
” Raising his hands for emphasis , he added “ You know I am smart , the smartest person you know , people say it .
I am good at science and my instinct realized this Uric Acid thing is something I know something about !
” Pausing again , he continued in a much louder , excited voice : “ I have the best instincts - this liquid Uric Acid will be historically significant…it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ‘ Trump Method ’ , but we ’ ll see.
” Dr. Fauci , also present at the briefing , could be seen enthusiastically grinning in his approval of the President ’ s announcement .
The president ’ s hands were visibly shaking as he completed the briefing with an astounding proclamation : “ I am not waiting for these blind so-called tests to start .
I am having both Melania and my lovely daughter , Ivanka , begin experimenting with the release of Uric Acid throughout the White House !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the faces of the press corps , no doubt in amazement over the announcement of this miracle cure .

(Washington, DC) President Trump excitedly took to the podium in today’s White House Coronavirus briefing by proclaiming he had uncovered a miracle breakthrough in the battle to fight the spread of the highly-contagious virus, and was fast-tracking funding to companies who can begin immediate mass production of the solution.
“This will be a miracle game-changer bigger and way more effective than my previous recommendation that the country shove Lupis and rheumatoid arthritis patients out of the way to hoard and take massive doses of Hydroclor-, Hyrdraqu-, Hydru-, you know what I am talking about, that African malaria drug.”
He continued: “A study shown to me by Dr. Fauci, you all know him, he is a very famous doctor on infectious diseases, came from some medical University of Vienna over that big body of water. It said the China virus can be stopped dead, you know, dead in its tracks by great use of some chemical called ‘Liquid Uric Acid’.”
Trump paused for a moment, sniffled deeply, and continued: “The study says it has has proven 100% effective in stopping the spread of the China virus through somebody touching a contaminated surface that has been treated.”
Raising his hands for emphasis, he added “You know I am smart, the smartest person you know, people say it. I am good at science and my instinct realized this Uric Acid thing is something I know something about!”
Pausing again, he continued in a much louder, excited voice: “I have the best instincts - this liquid Uric Acid will be historically significant…it may be too soon to call it the ‘Trump Method’, but we’ll see.”
Dr. Fauci, also present at the briefing, could be seen enthusiastically grinning in his approval of the President’s announcement.
The president’s hands were visibly shaking as he completed the briefing with an astounding proclamation: “I am not waiting for these blind so-called tests to start. I am having both Melania and my lovely daughter, Ivanka, begin experimenting with the release of Uric Acid throughout the White House!”
The briefing concluded with shocked expressions on the faces of the press corps, no doubt in amazement over the announcement of this miracle cure.


thespoof--2020-04-15--Ultra-rich Facing New Challenges Due to COVID-19

( Greenwich St , New York NY ) The Ultra-rich ( commonly known as `` The 1 % of the 1 % '' ) , are facing real challenges during the current world health crisis , despite having the financial means to seemingly overcome anything .
A country in peril .
Its citizens on edge .
An economy on the brink of collapse .
Thanks to the Coronavirus pandemic , the first few months of 2020 have been tough to navigate with any sense of normalcy .
Nurses and other medical professionals with little or no personal protective gear risk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ care for dying patients in overcrowded hospitals .
Elderly citizens are exiled to a life of solitude to avoid life-threatening exposure to the disease .
Cities that have become hot spots for the disease have been forced to construct makeshift morgues out of tractor trailers , turn convention centers into field hospitals , and mourn thousands of patients who have died alone and in anonymity .
Nobody is immune to this pandemic ’ s wrath .
Even the nation ’ s ultra rich have been forced to accept sacrifices they never thought were @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with Arthur Plunderman , a New York City hedge fund manager , to learn about the compromises he has had to make to survive these troubling times .
Arthur spoke candidly : “ We have learned to endure most challenges faced with this virus that , it seems , is circling the globe .
Because of the risk of infection , I have reduced the service staff to a bare minimum in all of my homes .
Believe me , it wasn ’ t easy figuring out which butlers , housekeepers , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ complicated by the fact that I don ’ t know any of them , and have no idea if they are even here legally.
” “ But the real challenge , ” Arthur continued , “ has been tolerating air travel in these unprecedented times .
While the sacrifices I have been forced to make here on Terra Firma were tough , the ones I had to make when flying on my G7 ( a Gulfstream private jet for average readers ) have been borderline intolerable .
We had to eliminate a few @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lifestyle when I am jetting to places like Aspen , Jackson Hole , or Sun Valley .
Imagine these flights without a service captain , lead flight attendant , and second porter to help manage things !
It is downright primitive , like I am flying on Spirit Airlines !
” He was quick to correct , “ Not that flying on Spirit Airlines is bad ; one of my funds owns a big chunk of their stock , but you get what I mean !
” “ And don ’ t get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fly internationally .
Now that the exclusive ski resorts are all but closed due to the virus and the season ending , what am I supposed to do for the summer if I can ’ t get to Dubrovnik or Santorini for my summer vacation ?
Eat a corn dog on Coney Island ?
Even it is closed !
This country is going to hell in a hand basket !
” We left the Plunderman compound filled with empathy , commiserating with his struggle in the same way we face our own challenges @ @ @ @ @ @ @ toilet paper to wipe the shit from our ass-cheeks .
Yes , the Coronavirus is the great equalizer !

(Greenwich St, New York NY) The Ultra-rich (commonly known as "The 1% of the 1%"), are facing real challenges during the current world health crisis, despite having the financial means to seemingly overcome anything.
A country in peril. Its citizens on edge. An economy on the brink of collapse. Thanks to the Coronavirus pandemic, the first few months of 2020 have been tough to navigate with any sense of normalcy.
Nurses and other medical professionals with little or no personal protective gear risk their lives on a daily basis to care for dying patients in overcrowded hospitals. Elderly citizens are exiled to a life of solitude to avoid life-threatening exposure to the disease. Cities that have become hot spots for the disease have been forced to construct makeshift morgues out of tractor trailers, turn convention centers into field hospitals, and mourn thousands of patients who have died alone and in anonymity.
Nobody is immune to this pandemic’s wrath. Even the nation’s ultra rich have been forced to accept sacrifices they never thought were possible. We were able to sit with Arthur Plunderman, a New York City hedge fund manager, to learn about the compromises he has had to make to survive these troubling times.
Arthur spoke candidly: “We have learned to endure most challenges faced with this virus that, it seems, is circling the globe. Because of the risk of infection, I have reduced the service staff to a bare minimum in all of my homes. Believe me, it wasn’t easy figuring out which butlers, housekeepers, and gardeners to let go. This was complicated by the fact that I don’t know any of them, and have no idea if they are even here legally.”
“But the real challenge,” Arthur continued, “has been tolerating air travel in these unprecedented times. While the sacrifices I have been forced to make here on Terra Firma were tough, the ones I had to make when flying on my G7 (a Gulfstream private jet for average readers) have been borderline intolerable. We had to eliminate a few roles that are critical for maintaining my lifestyle when I am jetting to places like Aspen, Jackson Hole, or Sun Valley. Imagine these flights without a service captain, lead flight attendant, and second porter to help manage things! It is downright primitive, like I am flying on Spirit Airlines!” He was quick to correct, “Not that flying on Spirit Airlines is bad; one of my funds owns a big chunk of their stock, but you get what I mean!”
“And don’t get me started on not being able to fly internationally. Now that the exclusive ski resorts are all but closed due to the virus and the season ending, what am I supposed to do for the summer if I can’t get to Dubrovnik or Santorini for my summer vacation? Eat a corn dog on Coney Island? Even it is closed! This country is going to hell in a hand basket!”
We left the Plunderman compound filled with empathy, commiserating with his struggle in the same way we face our own challenges, like finding a single roll of toilet paper to wipe the shit from our ass-cheeks. Yes, the Coronavirus is the great equalizer!


thespoof--2020-04-15--Tekashi69 COVID-19 Fundraiser Song Released!

( Brooklyn , New York ) Rapper , social media influencer , urban poet , and Internet meme groundbreaker Tekashi69 wasted no time after his recent release from a Brooklyn jail ( due to the threat of the COVID-19 pandemic ) to release a new song meant to raise awareness and money to help that borough ’ s devastating battle with COVID-19 .
The song , aptly titled , “ F——— CV ” was originally a three-minute-45-second screed on Mr. Tekashi69 ’ s opinion of the disease , based on extensive research done through social media platforms like Instagram , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ due to FCC decency guidelines , the publicly available track was edited to remove any questionable language , drug references , or adult subjects deemed harmful to listeners .
This left the final song only five seconds long , and comprised of three words : The last word , while considered inappropriate in some contexts , was permitted in the final copy because , according to one FCC reviewer , “ I really had no idea what he was saying through most of the song , and I just kind of gave up.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Coolidge , Mr. Tekashi69 ’ s manager , backed the final product up in a phone interview : “ Sure , my man spit out some harsh words , but that ’ s what you do when you from the street .
It ’ s the thought that counts , and any of you punk ass bitches wan na step , you best bring an AK to match up against anything my man brings.
” Neither Mr. Tekashi ’ s record label , Deez Nutz , nor its parent company , Sony-BMG-Arista-Disney , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are definitely dark , unprecedented times , but Mr. Tekashi69 is there to help be a beacon of hope .
The song is available on Soundcloud , MySpace , or random flashdrives dropped in various parking lots around Brooklyn .

(Brooklyn, New York) Rapper, social media influencer, urban poet, and Internet meme groundbreaker Tekashi69 wasted no time after his recent release from a Brooklyn jail (due to the threat of the COVID-19 pandemic) to release a new song meant to raise awareness and money to help that borough’s devastating battle with COVID-19.
The song, aptly titled, “F——— CV” was originally a three-minute-45-second screed on Mr. Tekashi69’s opinion of the disease, based on extensive research done through social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. Unfortunately, due to FCC decency guidelines, the publicly available track was edited to remove any questionable language, drug references, or adult subjects deemed harmful to listeners. This left the final song only five seconds long, and comprised of three words:
“Yeah”
“Uh”
“Bitch”
The last word, while considered inappropriate in some contexts, was permitted in the final copy because, according to one FCC reviewer, “I really had no idea what he was saying through most of the song, and I just kind of gave up.”
Skeeter “Skeet Da Man” Coolidge, Mr. Tekashi69’s manager, backed the final product up in a phone interview: “Sure, my man spit out some harsh words, but that’s what you do when you from the street. It’s the thought that counts, and any of you punk ass bitches wanna step, you best bring an AK to match up against anything my man brings.” Neither Mr. Tekashi’s record label, Deez Nutz, nor its parent company, Sony-BMG-Arista-Disney, could be reached for comments.
These are definitely dark, unprecedented times, but Mr. Tekashi69 is there to help be a beacon of hope. The song is available on Soundcloud, MySpace, or random flashdrives dropped in various parking lots around Brooklyn.
Thank you, Mr. Tekashi69!


thespoof--2020-04-15--Houses of Worship in Accounting Crisis Over Relief Package

( Madison TWP , PA ) America ’ s church bookkeepers and other non-profit religious organizations have been left baffled on how to manage government bailout money being shoveled their way .
The U.S. Federal government ’ s unprecedented approval of a $ 2 trillion dollar Coronavirus economic relief package , has been celebrated by citizens across the country who believe that those in power are , indeed , eager to “ …promote the general welfare ” as guaranteed in the Constitution the best way it knows how : by blindly throwing money at a problem and hoping for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ excitedly await their relief checks to spend on a new TV or “ connected ” Amazon device to spy on them in their homes , some businesses and now non-profit organizations are wrestling with new accounting dilemmas that may come with the government-issued windfall .
America ’ s church accountants , for example , have no idea how to show the income or manage the reporting of operational expenses like greedy clergy payroll , stale communion wafers , and the gallons of distilled water bought from Walmart used to fill the holy water @ @ @ @ @ @ @ going out such as these typically need to be reported on annual Federal and State tax returns , but since these religious organizations are not required to file , church leaders are left shrugging their shoulders , not only on how , but whether to even account for the taxpayer-supplied bailout money .
Keeping social distancing standards in place , we met outside the Church of the First Redeemer in Madison Township , Pennsylvania to speak with their leadership on how they were managing and accounting for the funds .
“ I am @ @ @ @ @ @ @ relief money in the church ’ s books , since we aren ’ t required to file a tax return to the government handing us the tens of thousands of dollars , ” said Edith Dooley , a born-again volunteer bookkeeper .
“ I suppose we could simply classify the funds as parishioner donations , since ultimately it did come from citizen taxpayers who could , in theory , attend our church or donate online if we had the means for them to do so , ” she added .
“ But using @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s sacred separation of church and state !
” interjected Pastor Joel Robbins , before bursting into an outrageous fit of laughter lasting several minutes .
The Pastor continued : “ Edith , just do what you want , I ’ m late to pick up my new 4K TV from Costco.
” While this paradox is certain to cause similar confusion to other houses of worship nationwide , we can all rest better knowing our country ’ s moral center will make it through this crisis .
With new High-Definition TVs @

(Madison TWP, PA) America’s church bookkeepers and other non-profit religious organizations have been left baffled on how to manage government bailout money being shoveled their way.
The U.S. Federal government’s unprecedented approval of a $2 trillion dollar Coronavirus economic relief package, has been celebrated by citizens across the country who believe that those in power are, indeed, eager to “…promote the general welfare” as guaranteed in the Constitution the best way it knows how: by blindly throwing money at a problem and hoping for the best.
While a majority of individuals excitedly await their relief checks to spend on a new TV or “connected” Amazon device to spy on them in their homes, some businesses and now non-profit organizations are wrestling with new accounting dilemmas that may come with the government-issued windfall.
America’s church accountants, for example, have no idea how to show the income or manage the reporting of operational expenses like greedy clergy payroll, stale communion wafers, and the gallons of distilled water bought from Walmart used to fill the holy water bowl. Money flowing in and expenses going out such as these typically need to be reported on annual Federal and State tax returns, but since these religious organizations are not required to file, church leaders are left shrugging their shoulders, not only on how, but whether to even account for the taxpayer-supplied bailout money.
Keeping social distancing standards in place, we met outside the Church of the First Redeemer in Madison Township, Pennsylvania to speak with their leadership on how they were managing and accounting for the funds.
“I am not sure how to classify the incoming relief money in the church’s books, since we aren’t required to file a tax return to the government handing us the tens of thousands of dollars,” said Edith Dooley, a born-again volunteer bookkeeper. “I suppose we could simply classify the funds as parishioner donations, since ultimately it did come from citizen taxpayers who could, in theory, attend our church or donate online if we had the means for them to do so,” she added.
“But using these funds could potentially violate the country’s sacred separation of church and state!” interjected Pastor Joel Robbins, before bursting into an outrageous fit of laughter lasting several minutes. The Pastor continued: “Edith, just do what you want, I’m late to pick up my new 4K TV from Costco.”
While this paradox is certain to cause similar confusion to other houses of worship nationwide, we can all rest better knowing our country’s moral center will make it through this crisis. With new High-Definition TVs.


thespoof--2020-01-07--Donald Trump promises to "eat every baby in Iran" if Iran attacks any of his hotels

US President Donald Trump had another meltdown on Twitter today , as he promised never-ending revenge on the Iranians if @ @ @ @ @ threat to destroy all of Trump 's hotels .
A spokesman for the Iranian government @ @ @ @ @ not wish war with America .
We only wish to defeat the insane deviant , @ @ @ @ @ attacking his hotels .
Our team of cyber experts have already begun to write very @ @ @ @ @ TripAdvisor . ''
In response , Trump tweeted , `` A war on Trump is @ @ @ @ @ !
I will deep fry every first-born infant in Iran , and serve them up @ @ @ @ @ Baby hamberders !
He continued , `` When I ran for president , Iran did @ @ @ @ @ and I still beat Hillary by 900 to 3 .
I will beat Iran by @ @ @ @ @ can give me dirt on Joe Biden , in which case we 're even .
@

The Swedes are burning books again … and I must take serious issue with this issue! Sure, one could say that any god who worries Him- or Itself over the burning of His book is no god at all. Aren’t gods bigger than their holy books? Apparently not…


thespoof--2020-01-07--Trump Says He Can Eliminate New Iranian General Whilst He's Having A Bath

President Donald Trump has flexed his military muscles in response to various threats of Iranian revenge , by saying that @ @ @ @ @ , he could eliminate the new leader of the elite Quds force , Esmail Ghaani @ @ @ @ @ the bath .
Iran , reacting to the Baghdad airstrike murder last week , of @ @ @ @ @ threatened revenge , and to expel US troops from the region , but , says @ @ @ @ @ n't know who they 're dealing with .
`` My military chiefs have shown me @ @ @ @ @ as they 're taking a dump , '' he said , adding `` or laid @ @ @ @ @ , you know , doing rumpy-pumpy with the wife .
That 's my favorite !
@ @ @ @ @ certain sections of religious factions living within the US , started to stir this week @

President Donald Trump has flexed his military muscles in response to various threats of Iranian revenge, by saying that, if it suits him, he could eliminate the new leader of the elite Quds force, Esmail Ghaani, whilst he is in the bath.
That's, whilst Ghaani is in the bath.
Iran, reacting to the Baghdad airstrike murder last week, of General Qasem Soleimani, has threatened revenge, and to expel US troops from the region, but, says Trump, they obviously don't know who they're dealing with.
"My military chiefs have shown me weapons that can pinpoint somebody as they're taking a dump," he said, adding "or laid in the bath, or, you know, doing rumpy-pumpy with the wife. That's my favorite!"
Meanwhile, members of certain sections of religious factions living within the US, started to stir this week.


thespoof--2020-01-03--Trump Orders Incarceration of All Iranians in U. S.

Mar-a-Lago , Florida .
Woof Blister reporting for SIN , Spoof International News .
In a terse tweet , issued in the wee , small hours of the morning , Monday , President Donald Trump directed Homeland Security agents to apprehend and incarcerate all Iranians living in the United States .
The initial tweet read `` all persons of Iranian descent living in the United States . ''
That was quickly corrected so that it applied only to Iranian nationals when Trump was told that his original tweet would have incarcerated two Republican congressmen and a prominent conservative on a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ order on national security grounds and cited Franklin Roosevelt 's incarceration of American citizens of Japanese descent after the attack on Pearl Harbor .
That order was later upheld by the Supreme Court .
Steve Miller is alleged to have been the author of the original tweet .
Homeland Security will use camps previously built by FEMA for disaster survivors .
While the camps are being readied , internees will be housed in stalls at defunct horse racing tracks .
In the meantime , Senate leader Mitch McConnell announced that there will be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while the nation faces a threat to its existence .

Mar-a-Lago, Florida. Woof Blister reporting for SIN, Spoof International News. In a terse tweet, issued in the wee, small hours of the morning, Monday, President Donald Trump directed Homeland Security agents to apprehend and incarcerate all Iranians living in the United States.
The initial tweet read "all persons of Iranian descent living in the United States." That was quickly corrected so that it applied only to Iranian nationals when Trump was told that his original tweet would have incarcerated two Republican congressmen and a prominent conservative on a federal appellate court.
Trump justified his order on national security grounds and cited Franklin Roosevelt's incarceration of American citizens of Japanese descent after the attack on Pearl Harbor. That order was later upheld by the Supreme Court. Steve Miller is alleged to have been the author of the original tweet.
Homeland Security will use camps previously built by FEMA for disaster survivors. While the camps are being readied, internees will be housed in stalls at defunct horse racing tracks.
In the meantime, Senate leader Mitch McConnell announced that there will be no further consideration of an impeachment trial while the nation faces a threat to its existence.


thespoof--2020-01-06--President Trump Hard At Work On World War 4

After last week 's airstrike that killed Iranian general Qasem Soleimani , and the fallout from that incident that has @ @ @ @ @ brink of a new world conflict , President Trump was back at his White House @ @ @ @ @ putting the finishing touches to his plans for World War 4 .
Hardworking Trump was @ @ @ @ @ officials , and was said to be pleased with proposals put forward as to how @ @ @ @ @ started , particularly in what is left of the Middle East after World War 3 @ @ @ @ @ full of misinformation on Russia , China , North Korea and all of the Middle @ @ @ @ @ to the group of warmongers , who developed strategies to combat their nonexistent threats , @ @ @ @ @ large amounts of Pepsi .
`` It 's always prudent to have a Plan B @ @ @ @ @ have a Plan C and a Plan D. And a Plan X - that 's @ @ @ @ @ ! ''

After last week's airstrike that killed Iranian general Qasem Soleimani, and the fallout from that incident that has brought the world to the brink of a new world conflict, President Trump was back at his White House desk over the weekend, putting the finishing touches to his plans for World War 4.
Hardworking Trump was joined by senior White House officials, and was said to be pleased with proposals put forward as to how several major wars might be started, particularly in what is left of the Middle East after World War 3 has ended.
Special dossiers full of misinformation on Russia, China, North Korea and all of the Middle Eastern states were made available to the group of warmongers, who developed strategies to combat their nonexistent threats, whilst eating hamburgers and quoffing large amounts of Pepsi.
Trump tweeted later:
"It's always prudent to have a Plan B in reserve. We also have a Plan C and a Plan D. And a Plan X - that's the one I like best!"


thespoof--2020-01-06--Desperate FDA Encourages Americans to Get Comfortable in Their Bodies Just as They Are

`` Times have changed , and we need to change with them , '' was the New Year 's message offered by Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn , who urged Americans to abandon unrealistic expectations about living in a trim , fit body .
`` We need to expand our definition of what 'normal ' means .
And even what 'beauty ' means . ''
These days , explained Hahn , `` normal '' means being what used to be considered overweight .
Referring to the percentage of people whose body mass index exceeds the traditionally recommended @ @ @ @ @ @ @ percent of Americans ca n't be doing something wrong .
It 's thin people who are abnormal .
Not that we should stigmatize them for that , of course .
The measure of a civilized society is how we treat our outliers . ''
For the large - and growing increasingly larger - majority of the population , Dr. Hahn recommended eating only to the point of being uncomfortably satiated and mildly nauseous , and emphasized that low-fiber foods are key to consumimg massively excessive calories without feeling too terribly bloated or gassy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ overly-ambitious exercise programs that may be too taxing on their muscles .
`` Yes , even if you ca n't see them , we all have muscles , '' said Dr. Hahn .
`` And you 'd be surprised how sore they can get with even just a little use . ''
For those intent on incorporating some physical activity , Hahn suggested extremely gentle yoga , or standing up once per hour while watching television .
Most of all , however , Hahn emphasized , people should get comfortable in their bodies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ avoiding mirrors and gyms , or taking an anti-anxiety medication helps you to do that , then so much the better .
Whatever it takes .
You deserve it . ''

"Times have changed, and we need to change with them," was the New Year's message offered by Food and Drug Administration Commissioner Dr. Stephen Hahn, who urged Americans to abandon unrealistic expectations about living in a trim, fit body. "We need to expand our definition of what 'normal' means. And even what 'beauty' means."
These days, explained Hahn, "normal" means being what used to be considered overweight. Referring to the percentage of people whose body mass index exceeds the traditionally recommended limit, he said, "Seventy-two percent of Americans can't be doing something wrong. It's thin people who are abnormal. Not that we should stigmatize them for that, of course. The measure of a civilized society is how we treat our outliers."
For the large - and growing increasingly larger - majority of the population, Dr. Hahn recommended eating only to the point of being uncomfortably satiated and mildly nauseous, and emphasized that low-fiber foods are key to consumimg massively excessive calories without feeling too terribly bloated or gassy. He also cautioned Americans to avoid overly-ambitious exercise programs that may be too taxing on their muscles.
"Yes, even if you can't see them, we all have muscles," said Dr. Hahn. "And you'd be surprised how sore they can get with even just a little use."
For those intent on incorporating some physical activity, Hahn suggested extremely gentle yoga, or standing up once per hour while watching television.
Most of all, however, Hahn emphasized, people should get comfortable in their bodies exactly as they are. "If avoiding mirrors and gyms, or taking an anti-anxiety medication helps you to do that, then so much the better. Whatever it takes. You deserve it."


thespoof--2020-01-04--Gang Member Made Son Smoke Whole Pack of Fools in One Day

LA - Young Andre got a hard lesson in parenting last week after his father , Tré , a member of the Bull Creek Street Gang , caught him smoking fools .
On Wednesday night , Andre was out on the town with his boys when one of them suggested they get some loosies from Kim & Jia 's , and smoke those fools .
Of course , thanks to numerous public service campaigns -- and more than a few trials -- Andre knew the risks .
But Andre is n't the type to disappoint his boys so he went @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did n't know was that his father was watching as they entered the corner store .
`` That youngin ' got all teary after I confronted him so I knew he felt bad , '' Tré said , `` but that was n't enough .
I wanted to make sure he 'd think twice before stepping out of line again . ''
And that is exactly what Tré did .
When Andre returned home from school Friday afternoon , a whole pack of fools was there waiting for him .
Andre was , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ saw them all lined up , I did n't know what was going on .
I thought maybe Pops was preparing for his Spades night and him and his boys were going to smoke them . ''
That , however , was not the plan .
Tré explained the situation to his son : `` Take this and light 'em up , youngin ' .
Smoke them fools since you a big man now . ''
Andre did n't have much of a choice .
`` It was hard , you know ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ so many one after another like that .
Near the end , I even got sick . ''
Andre looked down at his still-dirty shoes , clearly embarrassed by the memory .
`` Pops though , he just said , 'You wan na be hard , be hard . '
So , yeah , he 's pretty strict . ''
While Tré 's methods might strike some as old-fashioned or even cruel , one thing is certain : it will be some time before young Andre smokes another fool .

LA - Young Andre got a hard lesson in parenting last week after his father, Tré, a member of the Bull Creek Street Gang, caught him smoking fools.
On Wednesday night, Andre was out on the town with his boys when one of them suggested they get some loosies from Kim & Jia's, and smoke those fools. Of course, thanks to numerous public service campaigns -- and more than a few trials -- Andre knew the risks. But Andre isn't the type to disappoint his boys so he went along with the plan. What he didn't know was that his father was watching as they entered the corner store.
"That youngin' got all teary after I confronted him so I knew he felt bad," Tré said, "but that wasn't enough. I wanted to make sure he'd think twice before stepping out of line again." And that is exactly what Tré did. When Andre returned home from school Friday afternoon, a whole pack of fools was there waiting for him.
Andre was, understandably, surprised. "When I saw them all lined up, I didn't know what was going on. I thought maybe Pops was preparing for his Spades night and him and his boys were going to smoke them."
That, however, was not the plan. Tré explained the situation to his son: "Take this and light 'em up, youngin'. Smoke them fools since you a big man now."
Andre didn't have much of a choice.
"It was hard, you know? I ain't never wanted to smoke so many one after another like that. Near the end, I even got sick." Andre looked down at his still-dirty shoes, clearly embarrassed by the memory. "Pops though, he just said, 'You wanna be hard, be hard.' So, yeah, he's pretty strict."
While Tré's methods might strike some as old-fashioned or even cruel, one thing is certain: it will be some time before young Andre smokes another fool.


thespoof--2020-01-05--Nashville Man Thus Far Unsuccessful in Attempts to Devise Divisibility Test for Seven

`` I was n't trying to reinvent relativity or anything , but I did hope I could contribute a little something to the world of mathematics , '' said Carl Larsen of Nashville , Tennessee , of his efforts to devise a divisibility test for the number seven .
`` Boy , did I fall short . ''
According to Larsen , from the time that he was little boy and learned of the handy divisibility tests for numbers three , nine , two , four , and eight , he knew that he wanted to be the one to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ number seven .
`` Before you start doing long division , you want to know if you 're going to be dealing with remainders , '' said Larsen , who admitted to being intimidated by fractions and decimal points .
`` It 's a question of knowing what you 're in for .
Who does n't want to be prepared ? ''
Larsen went on to explain that as someone born on July 7 , 1987 , the mission of creating a divisibility test for seven is one that is very personal to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this task .
I really thought it was meant for me . ''
However , after trying all the obvious divisibility tests for seven , including checking whether the sum of the last seven digits of the number to be divided is divisible by seven , and even some of the less obvious ones , like using the sum of the first seven digits , Larsen finally had to admit defeat - at least for now .
`` Seven has n't been much of a lucky number for me in this case , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Larsen still hopes to one day discover the test that has thus far eluded mathematical minds throughout history .
And when and if it happens , he is confident that the rewards will be beyond divisibility - by seven or by any other number .
`` I 'm pretty sure it 'll go viral on the spot . ''
Until then , Larsen is biding his time .
`` Do n't count me out just yet .
Right now , you may never have heard of Carl Larsen , but I may one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of divisibility .
You just wait . ''

"I wasn't trying to reinvent relativity or anything, but I did hope I could contribute a little something to the world of mathematics," said Carl Larsen of Nashville, Tennessee, of his efforts to devise a divisibility test for the number seven. "Boy, did I fall short."
According to Larsen, from the time that he was little boy and learned of the handy divisibility tests for numbers three, nine, two, four, and eight, he knew that he wanted to be the one to create a similarly useful device for the number seven.
"Before you start doing long division, you want to know if you're going to be dealing with remainders," said Larsen, who admitted to being intimidated by fractions and decimal points. "It's a question of knowing what you're in for. Who doesn't want to be prepared?"
Larsen went on to explain that as someone born on July 7, 1987, the mission of creating a divisibility test for seven is one that is very personal to him. "I was born for this task. I really thought it was meant for me."
However, after trying all the obvious divisibility tests for seven, including checking whether the sum of the last seven digits of the number to be divided is divisible by seven, and even some of the less obvious ones, like using the sum of the first seven digits, Larsen finally had to admit defeat - at least for now.
"Seven hasn't been much of a lucky number for me in this case," he noted.
Even so, Larsen still hopes to one day discover the test that has thus far eluded mathematical minds throughout history. And when and if it happens, he is confident that the rewards will be beyond divisibility - by seven or by any other number. "I'm pretty sure it'll go viral on the spot."
Until then, Larsen is biding his time. "Don't count me out just yet. Right now, you may never have heard of Carl Larsen, but I may one day be known as the modem-day Einstein of divisibility. You just wait."


thespoof--2020-01-04--Nashville Man Considers Becoming Bipolar

`` Emotions are exhausting , '' noted Ben Moffat of Nashville , Tennessee .
`` It would be a whole lot easier to have just two of them . ''
For that reason , Moffat explained that he is seriously considering becoming bipolar .
`` That way , when someone asks me how I 'm doing , I would n't have to get into subtlety or nuance .
I 'd be all in , one way or the other . ''
And the `` all in '' nature of bipolar disorder is an aspect that very much appeals to Moffat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ No pussy-footing around or hemming and hawing .
They 're either on top of the world or down in the depths of hell .
They do n't shy away from extremes .
I admire that . ''
Moffat added that he 'd briefly also considered simply being manic , which overall sounds more pleasant , but he would like to have more than simply one mood option .
`` I do get down once in awhile , so I should probably keep that door open .
As they say , two poles are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has not yet expressed his bipolar agenda to his wife , Cailey , he expects that she will be supportive .
`` She always accuses me of being very one-dimensional .
This way , I 'd have two totally verifiable dimensions . ''
More than anything , though , Moffat looks forward to the drama and intensity of the bipolar lifestyle .
`` I 've been numb for far too long .
It 's time for me to live it up - and down . ''

"Emotions are exhausting," noted Ben Moffat of Nashville, Tennessee. "It would be a whole lot easier to have just two of them."
For that reason, Moffat explained that he is seriously considering becoming bipolar. "That way, when someone asks me how I'm doing, I wouldn't have to get into subtlety or nuance. I'd be all in, one way or the other."
And the "all in" nature of bipolar disorder is an aspect that very much appeals to Moffat. "Those folks really commit. No pussy-footing around or hemming and hawing. They're either on top of the world or down in the depths of hell. They don't shy away from extremes. I admire that."
Moffat added that he'd briefly also considered simply being manic, which overall sounds more pleasant, but he would like to have more than simply one mood option. "I do get down once in awhile, so I should probably keep that door open. As they say, two poles are better than one."
While Moffat has not yet expressed his bipolar agenda to his wife, Cailey, he expects that she will be supportive. "She always accuses me of being very one-dimensional. This way, I'd have two totally verifiable dimensions."
More than anything, though, Moffat looks forward to the drama and intensity of the bipolar lifestyle. "I've been numb for far too long. It's time for me to live it up - and down."


thespoof--2020-01-03--Nashville Man Vows to Come Up with Really Good New Year's Resolution(s) for Next Year

Frustrated at finding himself yet again scrambling at the end of the year to come up with a New Year 's resolution worthy of his sincere intention , Edwin Wallace of Nashville , Tennessee , abandoned the quest for this year , but vowed to come up with a truly epic resolution for next year .
`` I think next year is going to be the game-changer for me , '' said Wallace , , who has long aimed to get out of his dead-end restaurant job , get healthy , and focus on his dream of making films noir @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to set myself up for success by really giving my resolution some thought . ''
Wallace noted that he has been generally unimpressed with the quality of his friends ' resolutions in the past .
`` Not to bash anyone , but I think it 's pretty lame how , on New Year 's Eve , drunk , all these people are rushing to make these promises to themselves that they probably wo n't even remember the next day , let alone keep .
Do n't get me wrong - I 've been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ next year , I wo n't be .
Next year I 'll be going in prepared . ''
To that end , Wallace intends to take at least eight to ten months this year to craft a New Year '' s resolution that will truly get him where he wants to go in his life .
`` I may even come up with more than one .
But first things first . ''
For this year , however , Wallace will remain rudderless , without any sort of guiding resolution .
`` I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , '' he said .
`` But I 'll just have to improvise .
And when all else fails , just bumble through .
Which , fortunately , I 'm pretty good at .
Next year , though , is going to be the ticket . ''

Frustrated at finding himself yet again scrambling at the end of the year to come up with a New Year's resolution worthy of his sincere intention, Edwin Wallace of Nashville, Tennessee, abandoned the quest for this year, but vowed to come up with a truly epic resolution for next year.
"I think next year is going to be the game-changer for me," said Wallace,, who has long aimed to get out of his dead-end restaurant job, get healthy, and focus on his dream of making films noir and music documentaries. "I want to set myself up for success by really giving my resolution some thought."
Wallace noted that he has been generally unimpressed with the quality of his friends' resolutions in the past. "Not to bash anyone, but I think it's pretty lame how, on New Year's Eve, drunk, all these people are rushing to make these promises to themselves that they probably won't even remember the next day, let alone keep. Don't get me wrong - I've been one of those people. But not next year, I won't be. Next year I'll be going in prepared."
To that end, Wallace intends to take at least eight to ten months this year to craft a New Year''s resolution that will truly get him where he wants to go in his life. "I may even come up with more than one. But first things first."
For this year, however, Wallace will remain rudderless, without any sort of guiding resolution. "I may be in for some dark times," he said. "But I'll just have to improvise. And when all else fails, just bumble through. Which, fortunately, I'm pretty good at. Next year, though, is going to be the ticket."


thespoof--2020-01-02--To End World Hunger, Vatican Scientists Replicate Transubstantiation

The Vatican—Saying “ God has now miraculously revealed how to turn seven loaves and a few small fish into a worldwide smorgasbord , ” a Vatican spokesperson announced today that their scientists have figured out the physics behind the process of transubstantiation , the sacrament by which some ordinary wine and a wheat wafer can be turned into enough Jesus meat and blood to feed a church full of hungry Christians .
Using the discovery—the details of which are being kept secret by the Church pending the granting of a patent for a Catholic-inspired fast-food chain—Vatican scientists apparently turned a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of wheat into enough potable blood and Jesus ( including leg , loin , rib , sirloin cuts , etc . )
to feed the population of a small country .
Now the Vatican , hoping to fulfill its mission of feeding ALL of God ’ s children , plans to open fast-Jesus restaurants worldwide , in order to undersell fast-food chains like McDonald ’ s and Wendy ’ s , ad maiorem Dei gloriam !
“ We hope , too , that ingesting Jesus worldwide , especially in developed countries where He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the last half century or so , will provide the kind of nutrition that will really stick to believers ’ ribs !
” quipped the same Vatican spokesperson .
It ’ s rumored that Evangelicals , fearing the threat to their faith posed by fast-Jesus chains and working from DNA gathered from the late Billy Graham , are trying to develop a new strain of meat for what they hope to market as Billy Burgers .

The Vatican—Saying “God has now miraculously revealed how to turn seven loaves and a few small fish into a worldwide smorgasbord,” a Vatican spokesperson announced today that their scientists have figured out the physics behind the process of transubstantiation, the sacrament by which some ordinary wine and a wheat wafer can be turned into enough Jesus meat and blood to feed a church full of hungry Christians.
Using the discovery—the details of which are being kept secret by the Church pending the granting of a patent for a Catholic-inspired fast-food chain—Vatican scientists apparently turned a bottle of Blue Nun and a wafer of wheat into enough potable blood and Jesus (including leg, loin, rib, sirloin cuts, etc.) to feed the population of a small country.
Now the Vatican, hoping to fulfill its mission of feeding ALL of God’s children, plans to open fast-Jesus restaurants worldwide, in order to undersell fast-food chains like McDonald’s and Wendy’s, ad maiorem Dei gloriam!
“We hope, too, that ingesting Jesus worldwide, especially in developed countries where He seems to be on the wane over the last half century or so, will provide the kind of nutrition that will really stick to believers’ ribs!” quipped the same Vatican spokesperson.
It’s rumored that Evangelicals, fearing the threat to their faith posed by fast-Jesus chains and working from DNA gathered from the late Billy Graham, are trying to develop a new strain of meat for what they hope to market as Billy Burgers.


thespoof--2020-01-01--Ghost Of Angry Technical Writer Who Never Achieved Full Self-Actualization Still Haunting Students A

Ghost Of Angry Technical Writer Who Never Achieved Full Self-Actualization Still Haunting Students At Campus Regardless Of Renovations And Technological Updates

Despite the fact that major renovations were made to several dorm buildings as well as the Caitlan Library at Skyland University in Central Iowa , students keep complaining that they hear the voice of a belligerent spirit telling them that they have no futures and that their studies will mean absolute shit when they reach middle age and get divorced .
Although major technological updates were made in all areas of the campus , undergraduates desperately trying to learn about diversity while earning liberal arts degrees have stated that they feel disturbed and uneasy when they hear subtle whispers at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ continue buttfucking each-other as their aging parents pay for their schooling .
Numerous condescending , self-absorbed , and pretentious `` wanna-be '' scholars were also reportedly upset when they heard a voice inside their heads stating that they were completely worthless and that they always would be , and athletes were also not left off the hook when they had nightmares about fraternity parties and whiskey-induced orgies ending before they reached the age of 25 .
Vicious , manipulative , game-playing , sorority women could n't stand the idea that they would not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gain power over lovers after the age of 50 , and a handful of youngsters sincerely struggling to comprehend the `` discipline '' of Sociology eventually impaled themselves on the university flag pole when they ultimately understood that their efforts were meaningless .
Negative energy in the form of books being thrown around and chairs turning themselves upside-down also spread throughout the campus as windows shattered violently and pieces of broken glass sprayed across the sidewalks during a 'self-identity ' parade designed to force issues on people who really do n't give a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ males who feel the need to pick on weightlifters bigger than they are jumped into a lake and drowned themselves , and a couple of extreme feminists did the right thing by pulling off a 'Thelma & Louise ' stunt that resulted in their vehicle exploding all over a cliff outside of town .
FUCK YOU !
EAT MY ASS !
SUCK MY DICK !
SWALLOW THIS !
... AND HERE 'S MY MIDDLE FINGER !
were also some phrases that were not appreciated by the smug alumni association that constantly asks for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to make ends meet as they keep looking for jobs that will actually reflect their academic training .
Sincerely wanting the dark energy and the profoundly needless anger to stop , 71-year-old English Professor Hugh Johnson fell down , wept , and confessed that it was all coming from a student he trained years ago named Craig Willard , who became such an overblown mess inside that he passed away in a dark hotel room while trying to finish a consumer product case study .
`` I thought technical writing would be good @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to develop his grammar skills , '' said Prof. Johnson , who did not realize that Craig 's total lack of self-actualization after several years of writing directions for 'TV Dinner ' lids would eventually turn him into a poltergeist .

Despite the fact that major renovations were made to several dorm buildings as well as the Caitlan Library at Skyland University in Central Iowa, students keep complaining that they hear the voice of a belligerent spirit telling them that they have no futures and that their studies will mean absolute shit when they reach middle age and get divorced.
Although major technological updates were made in all areas of the campus, undergraduates desperately trying to learn about diversity while earning liberal arts degrees have stated that they feel disturbed and uneasy when they hear subtle whispers at night encouraging them to drink more and continue buttfucking each-other as their aging parents pay for their schooling.
Numerous condescending, self-absorbed, and pretentious "wanna-be" scholars were also reportedly upset when they heard a voice inside their heads stating that they were completely worthless and that they always would be, and athletes were also not left off the hook when they had nightmares about fraternity parties and whiskey-induced orgies ending before they reached the age of 25.
Vicious, manipulative, game-playing, sorority women couldn't stand the idea that they would not be able to use their sexuality to gain power over lovers after the age of 50, and a handful of youngsters sincerely struggling to comprehend the "discipline" of Sociology eventually impaled themselves on the university flag pole when they ultimately understood that their efforts were meaningless.
Negative energy in the form of books being thrown around and chairs turning themselves upside-down also spread throughout the campus as windows shattered violently and pieces of broken glass sprayed across the sidewalks during a 'self-identity' parade designed to force issues on people who really don't give a fuck.
Hyperactive, insecure, aggressive males who feel the need to pick on weightlifters bigger than they are jumped into a lake and drowned themselves, and a couple of extreme feminists did the right thing by pulling off a 'Thelma & Louise' stunt that resulted in their vehicle exploding all over a cliff outside of town.
FUCK YOU! EAT MY ASS! SUCK MY DICK! SWALLOW THIS!... AND HERE'S MY MIDDLE FINGER! were also some phrases that were not appreciated by the smug alumni association that constantly asks for donations from previous graduates who are struggling to make ends meet as they keep looking for jobs that will actually reflect their academic training.
Sincerely wanting the dark energy and the profoundly needless anger to stop, 71-year-old English Professor Hugh Johnson fell down, wept, and confessed that it was all coming from a student he trained years ago named Craig Willard, who became such an overblown mess inside that he passed away in a dark hotel room while trying to finish a consumer product case study.
"I thought technical writing would be good for him, so I encouraged him to develop his grammar skills," said Prof. Johnson, who did not realize that Craig's total lack of self-actualization after several years of writing directions for 'TV Dinner' lids would eventually turn him into a poltergeist.


thespoof--2020-01-01--Nashville Man Questions whether His Cat Truly Respects Him

Although Trent Harwood of Nashville , Tennessee , does his best not to take things personally , he admitted to questioning whether his cat , Sheba , truly respects him .
`` Sometimes I feel like she 's playing with me , '' said Harwood of the alluring Abyssinian feline who moved in with him eight years ago .
`` She knows I 'll do anything for her , and I ca n't help thinking she 's milking it for all it 's worth . ''
Among the erratic , almost borderline-personality behaviors that have caused Harwood to wonder if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of biting his toes early in the morning while he 's still sleeping and sneaking up behind him on the couch and pouncing on his head , and her never-ending demands for attention .
`` She has to be the superstar all the time , '' said Harwood .
`` I do n't mind sharing the spotlight , but a little reciprocation would be nice . ''
Still , despite his concerns about whether Sheba truly respects him , Harwood has vowed to hang in there for the long haul with the sleek @ @ @ @ @ @ @ soul-mate .
`` Relationships are always challenging - and who knows ?
Maybe I 'm even projecting my own insecurities onto her .
At the end of the day , there 's no one I 'd rather snuggle up in bed with . ''

Although Trent Harwood of Nashville, Tennessee, does his best not to take things personally, he admitted to questioning whether his cat, Sheba, truly respects him.
"Sometimes I feel like she's playing with me," said Harwood of the alluring Abyssinian feline who moved in with him eight years ago. "She knows I'll do anything for her, and I can't help thinking she's milking it for all it's worth."
Among the erratic, almost borderline-personality behaviors that have caused Harwood to wonder if Sheba secretly despises him are her habits of biting his toes early in the morning while he's still sleeping and sneaking up behind him on the couch and pouncing on his head, and her never-ending demands for attention.
"She has to be the superstar all the time," said Harwood. "I don't mind sharing the spotlight, but a little reciprocation would be nice."
Still, despite his concerns about whether Sheba truly respects him, Harwood has vowed to hang in there for the long haul with the sleek, fine-boned female he considers his feline soul-mate. "Relationships are always challenging - and who knows? Maybe I'm even projecting my own insecurities onto her. At the end of the day, there's no one I'd rather snuggle up in bed with."


thespoof--2020-01-01--Police called after student gave classmate several slugs to the head

Police were called to Johnston Elementary School after a student allegedly fired several slugs at the back of a classmate 's head .
7-year-old Tonya Perkins ran to a teacher saying she was shot several times in the head .
When asked who shot her , she pointed at Paul Jenkins , an 8-year-old boy .
Her teacher , Jennifer Mowry , carried her to the school nurse , who could not seem to find any bullet wounds .
Jeanette Phillips , the school nurse said , `` This was the oddest thing I saw .
She was alive , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ peculiar slime in her hair .
It looked like someone blew their nose in her hair .
Then I noticed something crawling in her hair .
It was an interesting creature . ''
Meanwhile , Ms. Mowry called the police , saying one of her students was shot .
The police and rescue came quickly and officers locked down the entire school as they searched for guns .
The police were stumped when the only weapon they could find was a slingshot .
Officer Mike Stratton says , `` That was weird .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the school .
We did find knives in the cafeteria , several nail files , and a number of math compasses , but no gun .
Finally , we found a slingshot that had the same slimy residue that we saw in the girl 's hair . ''
Another faculty member called Jenkins ' mother and she quickly left her salon and arrived at the school to help sort things out .
`` When I heard that Paul shot a classmate , I decided to catch a glimpse of his victim , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and was n't bleeding .
However , she had slime in her hair , and I offered to wash and style her hair for free . ''
The police finally left after realizing that there were no actual guns involved , and that nobody was actually shot with any dangerous projectiles , though they confiscated the slingshot .
Paul Jenkins was asked to give the young Perkins a written apology .
The science teacher thought the entire incident was hilarious , saying , `` I ca n't believe it .
All this fuss @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Limax maximus species ! ''
As news crews left , several students were witnessed calling Tonya Perkins names such as `` spotted girl . ''

Police were called to Johnston Elementary School after a student allegedly fired several slugs at the back of a classmate's head.
7-year-old Tonya Perkins ran to a teacher saying she was shot several times in the head. When asked who shot her, she pointed at Paul Jenkins, an 8-year-old boy. Her teacher, Jennifer Mowry, carried her to the school nurse, who could not seem to find any bullet wounds.
Jeanette Phillips, the school nurse said, "This was the oddest thing I saw. She was alive, not bleeding, and there was this peculiar slime in her hair. It looked like someone blew their nose in her hair. Then I noticed something crawling in her hair. It was an interesting creature."
Meanwhile, Ms. Mowry called the police, saying one of her students was shot. The police and rescue came quickly and officers locked down the entire school as they searched for guns. The police were stumped when the only weapon they could find was a slingshot.
Officer Mike Stratton says, "That was weird. We couldn't find a gun anywhere in the school. We did find knives in the cafeteria, several nail files, and a number of math compasses, but no gun. Finally, we found a slingshot that had the same slimy residue that we saw in the girl's hair."
Another faculty member called Jenkins' mother and she quickly left her salon and arrived at the school to help sort things out.
"When I heard that Paul shot a classmate, I decided to catch a glimpse of his victim, and she appeared to be okay, and wasn't bleeding. However, she had slime in her hair, and I offered to wash and style her hair for free."
The police finally left after realizing that there were no actual guns involved, and that nobody was actually shot with any dangerous projectiles, though they confiscated the slingshot. Paul Jenkins was asked to give the young Perkins a written apology.
The science teacher thought the entire incident was hilarious, saying, "I can't believe it. All this fuss was made over several members of the Limax maximus species!"
As news crews left, several students were witnessed calling Tonya Perkins names such as "spotted girl."