thespoof--2020-03-06--From Reconstruction to Deconstruction (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own

From Reconstruction to Deconstruction (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography in His Own Best Words)

Now Available on Amazon Okay , in order to have the big ending for this book , which every book should have , ‘ cause if you ’ re going to have an ending you might as well have a big , beautiful ending , right , we ’ re going to have to go back to the beginning , which is where this book really began the whole time – at the end , I mean .
You know , I was heading toward the end , but it was all kind of in the beginning anyway .
What @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just like the political agenda we set out to do .
We wanted to go backwards in order to go forward , see ?
It ’ s just like I was just telling you .
We have to fix history , so , in order to fix history , we have to go back in time somehow , just like now I have to review a few things .
For instance , we ’ ve established a few things .
One , The Wizard of Oz is a great friggen ’ movie that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those weird , tree-hugger , Libtard ways .
You know how , in English class , the teacher would read you a poem about a tree , just a plain old tree , and all of a sudden the tree is this symbol of God or something , and you ’ re just sitting there like , “ It ’ s a tree .
A friggen ’ tree .
They grow fruit .
You cut them down and you make stuff out of them .
That ’ s it – a tree , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to my next point – that education is dumb , and schools are really boring .
We talked about how all these people want to read these old pieces of paper and say , “ This is how we run the country , blah , blah , blah , ” when the thing is like hundreds of centuries old and really doesn ’ t mean anything to us today in the good old U.S. of A .
Science – dumb .
Eggheads – useless .
The country is full of commies , Socialists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t just give me the money for my wall , when I know they ’ ve seen The Wizard of Oz , and so they should know that The Emerald City was definitely the safest place on the face of the earth , ‘ cause it had that big , beautiful wall , but the Dems would rather harass and obstruct and let all those caravans of flying monkeys come swooping into the country , you know ?
See , I was elected , in part , aside from the fact that people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any other president , or any other leader in the history of history maybe , because I vowed I would not allow things like flying monkeys into this great land of ours .
I vowed that it would be a lovely place where everyone was happy like in the movie – I told them that .
But we ’ re not going to be able to fix history if people keep obstructing me like this .
Why can ’ t they just let me do my job ?
Okay , so back to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ late for a few things .
I feel like Andrew Jackson .
I know that guy would have been like , “ Hey , why would we have a war where one part of the country fights another part of the country ?
That ’ s stupid.
” Unlike Lincoln , he never would ’ ve let any of that happen .
I feel like if I had been born earlier , a lot of bad stuff might not have happened , or if I had been president earlier , a lot of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like 9/11 , even though that day turned out pretty good for me .
I ’ m that kind of guy .
I settle things .
I make deals .
I ’ m like , “ Hey , you want this .
And you over there , you want this .
Let ’ s see how each of you gets what he wants.
” We don ’ t have enough of that these days .
So , Stevie and Rog , they keep pestering me and pestering me about getting into politics , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Why ?
I got it good here .
I got the golf courses , the towers , Melania , plenty of side pieces .
Why ?
” I told you before how Roger was telling me how much money we could make off of The Wall and deals like that , all those shell companies and stuff , but Stevie , he was actually into politics , you know ?
He wanted to “ deconstruct the bureaucratic state , ” which I wasn ’ t so sure I knew what he meant .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ guy and he helped run probably the most successful campaign – mine – of all time , but – and please don ’ t tell him I said this – but he ’ s kind of an egghead .
Yeah , he sort-of has egghead tendencies .
Remember how the Nazis used to say , “ Well you ’ re not an actual Jew , but you ’ re actually acting like a Jew ‘ cause you ’ re a commie , or a fag or a teacher – all the same I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s kinda in that category .
Like , he ’ s my pal but sometimes he gets a little too egg-heady for my taste .
Anyway , after a while , I figure I ’ ll give it a shot .
If I don ’ t win , I ’ ll just go play golf somewhere for a while and lick my wounds – no big deal , but , of course , as it has been with my whole life , we won – I won .
That ’ s when Stevie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ egghead stuff .
“ You know , ” he says .
“ All the history books always say that the Civil War was a great thing , a noble thing , that it was so great that Lincoln and the North stood up against those states that wanted to be slave states , and – so they say – kept our republic together .
But did they , really ?
” I was like , “ What ?
You read too many books , Stevie.
” And he ’ s like , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
What have we had since that moment that General Lee surrendered at the Appomattox Courthouse in 1865 ?
Huh ?
Trouble .
I ’ ll answer for you , Donnie .
Trouble .
That ’ s all we ’ ve had .
Think about it .
There used to be order , Donnie .
There was a self-determined system of Natural Order that not everyone agreed with , but it worked in the long run , as a whole .
Then , the Idealists comes along , the mighty Abraham Lincoln , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to walk on water and change everything .
He wants to upend the entire social structure because of one man ’ s set of values .
Think about all the people who died because he had some sort of Ideal .
About 620,000 Americans died in that war.
” “ Well , ” I told him .
“ That makes sense ‘ cause it ’ s Americans fighting Americans , so every time someone dies it counts for the same total , right ?
I mean it ’ s not like in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and it counts for one German , or one American or Jap or whatever , but every time someone died , it ’ s an American.
” Stevie kind of shook his head when I said that .
He did that sometimes .
I would say something , and he would just shake his head .
Secretly , I think he was jealous of me , like how smart I sounded , and he couldn ’ t handle it , you know ?
“ That ’ s sort of what I meant , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I was getting at is that he destroyed a whole social fabric that worked – it worked .
All moral considerations aside , it worked.
” That ’ s when I used to start to yawn when Stevie was talking .
He ’ d start talking about ‘ social fabric , ’ which I didn ’ t really think was a thing .
I mean fabric is what you make clothes out of and social is like when you ’ re hanging out talking to people , at a party or something , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two things together like that – “ social fabric.
” You ’ re gon na confuse people .
So , I told him about how , you know , a lot of people just don ’ t agree .
Most people think that the Civil War was a good thing and that Lincoln did the right thing .
Well , you know , Stevie always had an answer .
His face got real red .
He says , “ It ruined everything !
All those amendments to the Constitution ?
All those codes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Stevie , ” I says , “ I get it .
I ’ m not a huge fan of that Constitution either , but what are you going to do , right ?
” “ We ’ re going to roll it back , Donnie boy , ” Steve says and , of course , he lifts up his glass of scotch .
He loves to drink .
Me ?
I never had a drop .
My older brother , Fred , he was an airline pilot , big drunk .
Drank @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 43 .
He always used to tell me , “ Never , not a drop .
Never drink.
” Then he goes on .
“ They called it ‘ Reconstruction , ’ as if the Southerners had destroyed everything and it all had to be put back together again by all those slick Northerners who had , yeah , ruined it all .
They sent down all those slick Northern politicians to ‘ guide ’ the rest of the country to Reconstruct what the North had destroyed , but the South had been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this idyllic time when they lived off the fat of the land , with a whole population of basically free labor to suddenly having to subsidize all that labor ?
I mean , once the slaves were freed , what were they supposed to do ?
” I thought about it .
I says to myself , I says , “ Yeah .
I know what you mean , Stevie .
Like how would the first Trump Tower ever have been built under cost if I had to pay all those Polish workers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mean , it would ’ ve blown my budget .
And then there was some piece of artwork that these tree-huggers called iconic on the front of the building that would , eventually , become Trump Tower , and everyone one of them wanted to save it , so I was like “ Yeah , yeah , okay , we ’ ll take it off and give to the museum , so they can keep it .
Okay , good , go hug a tree in Central Park , but don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there.
” Then , the head of the crew comes up to me with an estimate of what it ’ ll cost to take it down without destroying it , all the stuff we ’ ll have to replace and how many hours we ’ re gon na waste taking it down and I was like , “ No , just blast it.
” Let me tell you , people were pissed .
So , I got it .
I got what Stevie was saying .
Basically , he was saying that The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were getting screwed business-wise .
Sure , they tried to figure it out .
They had some good ideas .
Like when the government – yeah Big Government run by the commies and socialists – decided they were going to tell everyone how to live by passing the 13th amendment , which said Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude , except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted , shall exist within the United States , or any place subject to their jurisdiction .
In other words , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to tell everyone how they should run their businesses .
You ’ re not allowed to make people work for you , even if you are rich or powerful .
I will say , though , the South was really smart , ‘ cause they actually read the thing and they saw that it said “ except as punishment for crime , ” and then they were like , according to Stevie the Egghead anyway , “ Hey , we just need to figure ways to throw them in jail and then we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the old days , right ?
” “ Not really , ” Stevie explained .
“ It sounds that simple , but they had the blacks agree to year-long contracts to work for whites out these ‘ contraband camps .
Yeah , they were considered war contraband from the Confederacy , and they had to be able to show they were working for a white guy at any given time , or they got thrown in jail .
If they got thrown in jail , then they got leased out and worked for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , their kids would be sent out as ‘ apprentices ’ for free to white owners .
So , they got rid of the word ‘ slave ’ and they called them ‘ vagrants , ’ ‘ prisoners , ’ and ‘ apprentices , but it was basically free labor.
” “ Okay , ” I asked him .
“ So , what ’ s the problem ?
It seems like they had it all figured out .
They needed workers and they figured it out.
” “ The god-damned Democrats , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like , “ Yeah , I figured.
” “ The South figured it out , ” Stevie goes on .
“ They had Jim Crow .
You stay there , I stay here kind of thing , but then the Dems take over with that Socialist Roosevelt and he starts packing the courts with these liberal judges and all of a sudden , separate is no longer equal .
Blacks and whites have to go to school together .
They have to eat together .
Even though , the blacks don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get the same free schools and social security and health care .
Brown versus the Board of Education .
Roe Versus Wade .
Everyone ’ s equal all of a sudden .
No matter how much you ’ ve contributed , or not contributed , you get all the same stuff – everyone gets a trophy , even if you finished dead last .
Then the gays had rights , women had rights , Latino workers , Indians – it was anarchy .
Shit , Donnie , even the environment has more rights @ @ @ @ @ @ @ god-damned river in Ohio had more legal protection than the white guy running the factory who was trying to dump his waste without going broke .
You know what it ’ s like , Donnie .
Environmental Impact Statements – what the hell is that ?
A choke-hold on the economy – that ’ s what it is .
“ There was a Golden Age , Donnie Boy , when men like you , rich guys with vision who could build towers , cities and fortunes , guys the Pinko newspapers called ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ really men of vision .
These men created steel like Carnegie , automobiles like Ford , telephones like Edison .
These men built highways and cruise ships .
There were no pansy-ass government regulations , Donnie .
There were no bullshit governmental regulations about health care for all .
The environment ?
The trees ?
The coal ?
The oil ?
The minerals ?
All that wasted land in those National Parks that the other Roosevelt created ?
Those were all opportunities for men like you .
The great capitalists of the globe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over we ’ ve been fighting and clawing our way back into power , Donnie .
Law by law , judge by judge , precedent by precedent , we ’ re regaining what this country was a 130 , 140 years ago – that great Christian land founded by white men , where anyone who had the gumption could succeed , and you could be part of it , Donnie boy .
You could be the face of the past which is where we belong .
Self-made men , not cowards sniveling for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right then I had to think of my grandfather , Friedrich .
He was one of the originals of this country , you know ?
He was born in a beautiful place in Germany , in a place called Bavaria , but he didn ’ t want to serve in the army , so he was like , “ Nope , I ’ m going to America.
” And when he got there , see , he saw all the possibilities .
He knew what he wanted : money , and he got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like me and he had some really nice hotels back in the days of the gold rush , ‘ cause he knew those guys need three things .
The needed a roof over their heads , they needed food in their stomachs and they needed women –so , he used to always have “ rooms for women ” in his hotels , and he was the one who started it all for us Trumps .
Now , imagine trying to do that now , with all these bullshit hippie regulations and laws and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve had to fight through all these stupid restrictions my whole life , and don ’ t get me wrong , let ’ s be clear about this , it has not been easy for me .
And you know I started off in Brooklyn ?
My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars .
That ’ s it .
That ’ s all I had was this measly million bucks to start with , where these other guys , like Carnegie , he had millions and millions to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just the way my father told me to do it .
He always said , “ 'The elevator to success is out of order .
Go one step at a time.
” So , you see , I didn ’ t get the elevator like all these other guys .
I wasn ’ t born with a silver spoon in my mouth like Henry Ford or Vanderbilt .
These guys had everything handed to them .
Me ?
I had to work for it .
But with hard work , and a little @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out , or as my old preacher , Norman Vincent Peale , used to say , “ Learn to pray big prayers .
God will rate you according to the size of your prayers.
” I guess old God rated me pretty good .
But now , after all that hard , honest labor , I ’ m supposed to hand it all back to people who haven ’ t done anything for this country .
I mean , I can see why .
These other people , they must be jealous in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and they see what I ’ ve got , and they must figure that everybody deserves what I ’ ve got , but they don ’ t understand that that ’ s not how it works .
Even Jesus Christ himself , he said , “ The poor will always be among us.
” So , it ’ s like , “ Sorry not sorry , pal .
Pray bigger .
Dream bigger .
Think bigger , right ?
” That ’ s when it all started to sink in , all this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ everything Roger was talking about , too .
“ The Reconstruction is over , and we killed it , ” Stevie got all serious on me .
“ Can you hear it ?
Can you hear the clanging of the shovels of the gravediggers ?
The Dems are dead , and we killed them .
The New Deal – dead !
The Great Society – dead !
Camelot – dead !
Dead as J.F.K.
, R.F.K.
, Martin , Malcolm and all the others that never made it into the history books .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , stripping it all down , destroying that Leviathan of bureaucracy that is called ‘ government ’ now .
That fatty , stumbling creature called Washington D.C. that gorges itself on taxes and spits them back out to Israel , shitholes in Central America , Arabs who bomb us , supposed earthquake victims on tiny , useless islands .
We ’ re taking it all back , Donnie boy , and you ’ re going to be the face of it all , the pitch man , the P.T .
Barnum of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What do you think ?
” “ Roger was telling me before , ” I told Stevie , “ that all I had to do was talk , basically .
Is this true ?
” “ Yeah , ” Stevie tells me .
“ Pretty much .
Just pretend you ’ re back on TV.
” So , I talked to Roger about it , and he ’ s sitting there , sipping on his martini as always , and I says , “ Hey , Rog , we ’ re gon na @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whole ‘ deconstruction ’ thing Stevie ’ s got in mind .
Besides , I ’ m more of a construction guy , not a de-construction guy .
I mean , is this even up my alley ?
” “ You have to revel in their hatred , Donnie boy , ” Roger told me .
“ If they hate you , you must be doing something right .
Also , if you know anything about the construction business , then you ’ ll know just as much about the de-construction business .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ do everything in reverse.
” Sometimes Roger could really talk weird .
Like sometimes , I just didn ’ t get what he was saying .
So , I was like , “ What the hell are you talking about ?
” “ Okay , let me put it in your terms , ” Rog says ; “ on a construction site , what do you need to build something ?
” “ Tools , ” I thought really hard , “ a union rep even if he ’ s just a guy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there ‘ cause he ’ s on the take so he just sits in the trailer all day .
You need a bunch of bullshit permits and stuff , all kinds of paperwork .
Workers , you need them .
You need a foreman.
” “ Now this question may sound really simple , Donnie , but what kind of workers , tools and whatnot do you need ?
” he said as he smiled .
“ The best , ” I tell him .
“ Always the best.
” “ You need @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pointed at with his martini .
I hated when he did that .
“ But you need the worst for de-con-struction .
See my point , Donnie boy ?
” My mind was blown .
I was like , “ Wow !
” Yeah , that made perfect sense .
“ And what do you take away when you want a project to stop dead in its tracks , wither and eventually die ?
” Rog asked me .
“ Money , right ?
” I wasn ’ t sure if I was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I was back in school again , and we all know how I feel about school .
“ Now you ’ re getting it , ” Rog went on .
“ If you want to de-contsruct something , anything , you just don ’ t feed it the money it needs .
Planned Parenthood – underfund it .
Eventually , the AIDS-ridden clients have no where to go .
The buildings shutter up and the diseased die off .
All those welfare queens who are spurting out babies suddenly have nowhere to go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you feel about education .
Put a bad foreman in charge , a real dope , and stop spending money on every hood-rat , illegal and vagrant who wanders in off the street to learn how to read .
Eventually , it just crumbles .
You know ?
Put a surgeon in charge of the Housing Authority.
” “ Sure , ” Rog laughed .
“ What does he know about housing ?
Just make him black and everyone will be like , ‘ Oh look how progressive .
Look how racially sensitive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ made perfect sense , actually .
It ’ s like in the Fake News Media .
It doesn ’ t really matter what they say .
If they have a nice piece of ass saying it , then people believe it .
I ’ ve told many women reporters , “ Let ’ s face it , you wouldn ’ t have your job if you weren ’ t hot , you know ?
” They don ’ t want to believe it , but it ’ s true .
So , it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as long as you 've got a young and beautiful piece of ass .
And it doesn ’ t really matter in this country if you ’ ve actually done anything to become rich and famous and loved by millions .
Sure , I had to break my back every day , but you don ’ t always have to , like Paris Hilton .
She did it purely on looks , which she displayed in the most effective way in her sex tape .
After that sex tape , she had a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not saying anything about her , she used what she had , and she knew that if the product simply looks good , it doesn ’ t matter if there ’ s nothing behind it .
Please , believe me , she ’ s someone who a lot of people don ’ t give credit to but in actuality is really beautiful , this Paris Hilton .
I ’ ve known Paris Hilton from the time she ’ s 12 , and I knew she had something there , something a lot of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a beautiful appearance .
Her parents are friends of mine , and the first time I saw her she walked into a room and I said , ‘ Who the hell is that ?
She 's a very ... Well , at 12 I was n't interested .
I 've never been into that .
They 've sort of always stick around that 25 category .
My point is , and we ’ ve talked about this a few times in this book , is that what you see and hear are not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attention to the pretty piece on the screen .
So , it was after that breakthrough , after my discussions with Stevie and Rog , that I was all in .
We were going to campaign and win this thing .
I was going to be president and we were all going to make a ton of money and Stevie could have his “ deconstruction ” thing , whatever that meant to him .
So , we started on the path to what would become the greatest campaign victory in the history of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been looking around to see if anyone disagrees and no one really has yet .
I mean , there are always the Haters , the Libs and the Dems , but it ’ s history , and since they love schools , books and history so much , they can look it up , but they won ’ t ‘ cause they just want to believe that it wasn ’ t the greatest , biggest thing ever .
Then , we started the deconstruction .
We started putting all the best people in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people , ‘ cause according to Rog that ’ s the only way to do the opposite of constructing something .
So , we put this lady in who had never even taken a student loan , a billionaire , who gave us a lot of money in charge of education .
Then we got ourselves an African-American in charge of housing , a surgeon just like Rog suggested , but not just any surgeon but the Surgeon General of the United , ‘ cause of course you want the very best of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Attorney General .
It was all coming together .
Of course , the pinnacle of this , the one in charge of all this deconstruction , the one with the least political experience and , perhaps even intelligence , the best of the worst , the one in charge , the foreman if you will of this deconstruction project would be me – the 45th president of these United States .
Now available on Amazon .

From Reconstruction to Deconstruction I try to learn from the past, but I plan for the future by focusing exclusively on the present. That's where the fun is. The One and Only Donald J. Trump
(I had to do that ‘cause the quote was really short.)
Now Available on Amazon
Okay, in order to have the big ending for this book, which every book should have, ‘cause if you’re going to have an ending you might as well have a big, beautiful ending, right, we’re going to have to go back to the beginning, which is where this book really began the whole time – at the end, I mean. You know, I was heading toward the end, but it was all kind of in the beginning anyway. What I mean is, this book is just like the political agenda we set out to do. We wanted to go backwards in order to go forward, see? It’s just like I was just telling you. We have to fix history, so, in order to fix history, we have to go back in time somehow, just like now I have to review a few things. For instance, we’ve established a few things. One, The Wizard of Oz is a great friggen’ movie that pretty much explains America in one of those weird, tree-hugger, Libtard ways. You know how, in English class, the teacher would read you a poem about a tree, just a plain old tree, and all of a sudden the tree is this symbol of God or something, and you’re just sitting there like, “It’s a tree. A friggen’ tree. They grow fruit. You cut them down and you make stuff out of them. That’s it – a tree, not a symbol.”
That brings me to my next point – that education is dumb, and schools are really boring. We talked about how all these people want to read these old pieces of paper and say, “This is how we run the country, blah, blah, blah,” when the thing is like hundreds of centuries old and really doesn’t mean anything to us today in the good old U.S. of A. Science – dumb. Eggheads – useless. The country is full of commies, Socialists, liberals and Dems who won’t just give me the money for my wall, when I know they’ve seen The Wizard of Oz, and so they should know that The Emerald City was definitely the safest place on the face of the earth, ‘cause it had that big, beautiful wall, but the Dems would rather harass and obstruct and let all those caravans of flying monkeys come swooping into the country, you know? See, I was elected, in part, aside from the fact that people love me, like maybe more than any other president, or any other leader in the history of history maybe, because I vowed I would not allow things like flying monkeys into this great land of ours. I vowed that it would be a lovely place where everyone was happy like in the movie – I told them that. But we’re not going to be able to fix history if people keep obstructing me like this. Why can’t they just let me do my job?
Okay, so back to the beginning. I was born too late for a few things. I feel like Andrew Jackson. I know that guy would have been like, “Hey, why would we have a war where one part of the country fights another part of the country? That’s stupid.” Unlike Lincoln, he never would’ve let any of that happen. I feel like if I had been born earlier, a lot of bad stuff might not have happened, or if I had been president earlier, a lot of stuff wouldn’t have happened – like 9/11, even though that day turned out pretty good for me. I’m that kind of guy. I settle things. I make deals. I’m like, “Hey, you want this. And you over there, you want this. Let’s see how each of you gets what he wants.” We don’t have enough of that these days.
So, Stevie and Rog, they keep pestering me and pestering me about getting into politics, and I’m like, “Why? I got it good here. I got the golf courses, the towers, Melania, plenty of side pieces. Why?” I told you before how Roger was telling me how much money we could make off of The Wall and deals like that, all those shell companies and stuff, but Stevie, he was actually into politics, you know? He wanted to “deconstruct the bureaucratic state,” which I wasn’t so sure I knew what he meant. Stevie, he’s a good guy and he helped run probably the most successful campaign – mine – of all time, but – and please don’t tell him I said this – but he’s kind of an egghead. Yeah, he sort-of has egghead tendencies. Remember how the Nazis used to say, “Well you’re not an actual Jew, but you’re actually acting like a Jew ‘cause you’re a commie, or a fag or a teacher – all the same I guess”? Well, Stevie’s kinda in that category. Like, he’s my pal but sometimes he gets a little too egg-heady for my taste. Anyway, after a while, I figure I’ll give it a shot. If I don’t win, I’ll just go play golf somewhere for a while and lick my wounds – no big deal, but, of course, as it has been with my whole life, we won – I won.
That’s when Stevie starts filling my ear with all his egghead stuff. “You know,” he says. “All the history books always say that the Civil War was a great thing, a noble thing, that it was so great that Lincoln and the North stood up against those states that wanted to be slave states, and – so they say – kept our republic together. But did they, really?”
I was like, “What? You read too many books, Stevie.”
And he’s like, “No, think about it, Donnie. What have we had since that moment that General Lee surrendered at the Appomattox Courthouse in 1865? Huh? Trouble. I’ll answer for you, Donnie. Trouble. That’s all we’ve had. Think about it. There used to be order, Donnie. There was a self-determined system of Natural Order that not everyone agreed with, but it worked in the long run, as a whole. Then, the Idealists comes along, the mighty Abraham Lincoln, and he decides he’s going to walk on water and change everything. He wants to upend the entire social structure because of one man’s set of values. Think about all the people who died because he had some sort of Ideal. About 620,000 Americans died in that war.”
“Well,” I told him. “That makes sense ‘cause it’s Americans fighting Americans, so every time someone dies it counts for the same total, right? I mean it’s not like in the Big War where a German dies, and it counts for one German, or one American or Jap or whatever, but every time someone died, it’s an American.”
Stevie kind of shook his head when I said that. He did that sometimes. I would say something, and he would just shake his head. Secretly, I think he was jealous of me, like how smart I sounded, and he couldn’t handle it, you know?
“That’s sort of what I meant,” Stevie went on. “What I was getting at is that he destroyed a whole social fabric that worked – it worked. All moral considerations aside, it worked.”
That’s when I used to start to yawn when Stevie was talking. He’d start talking about ‘social fabric,’ which I didn’t really think was a thing. I mean fabric is what you make clothes out of and social is like when you’re hanging out talking to people, at a party or something, but you can’t just put two things together like that – “social fabric.” You’re gonna confuse people. So, I told him about how, you know, a lot of people just don’t agree. Most people think that the Civil War was a good thing and that Lincoln did the right thing.
Well, you know, Stevie always had an answer. His face got real red. He says, “It ruined everything! All those amendments to the Constitution? All those codes? My god!”
“Whoa, Stevie,” I says, “I get it. I’m not a huge fan of that Constitution either, but what are you going to do, right?”
“We’re going to roll it back, Donnie boy,” Steve says and, of course, he lifts up his glass of scotch. He loves to drink. Me? I never had a drop. My older brother, Fred, he was an airline pilot, big drunk. Drank himself to death by the age of 43. He always used to tell me, “Never, not a drop. Never drink.”
Then he goes on. “They called it ‘Reconstruction,’ as if the Southerners had destroyed everything and it all had to be put back together again by all those slick Northerners who had, yeah, ruined it all. They sent down all those slick Northern politicians to ‘guide’ the rest of the country to Reconstruct what the North had destroyed, but the South had been gutted. How can they go from this idyllic time when they lived off the fat of the land, with a whole population of basically free labor to suddenly having to subsidize all that labor? I mean, once the slaves were freed, what were they supposed to do?”
I thought about it. I says to myself, I says, “Yeah. I know what you mean, Stevie. Like how would the first Trump Tower ever have been built under cost if I had to pay all those Polish workers that were shipped over here? I mean, it would’ve blown my budget. And then there was some piece of artwork that these tree-huggers called iconic on the front of the building that would, eventually, become Trump Tower, and everyone one of them wanted to save it, so I was like “Yeah, yeah, okay, we’ll take it off and give to the museum, so they can keep it. Okay, good, go hug a tree in Central Park, but don’t get raped by all those animals down there.” Then, the head of the crew comes up to me with an estimate of what it’ll cost to take it down without destroying it, all the stuff we’ll have to replace and how many hours we’re gonna waste taking it down and I was like, “No, just blast it.” Let me tell you, people were pissed. So, I got it. I got what Stevie was saying. Basically, he was saying that The South, after the war, they were getting screwed business-wise. Sure, they tried to figure it out. They had some good ideas. Like when the government – yeah Big Government run by the commies and socialists – decided they were going to tell everyone how to live by passing the 13th amendment, which said Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction. In other words, Big Brother United States Government was going to tell everyone how they should run their businesses. You’re not allowed to make people work for you, even if you are rich or powerful. I will say, though, the South was really smart, ‘cause they actually read the thing and they saw that it said “except as punishment for crime,” and then they were like, according to Stevie the Egghead anyway, “Hey, we just need to figure ways to throw them in jail and then we’re allowed to go back to the old days, right?”
“Vagrancy laws,” Stevie told me.
“Like being a bum?” I says.
“Not really,” Stevie explained. “It sounds that simple, but they had the blacks agree to year-long contracts to work for whites out these ‘contraband camps. Yeah, they were considered war contraband from the Confederacy, and they had to be able to show they were working for a white guy at any given time, or they got thrown in jail. If they got thrown in jail, then they got leased out and worked for basically nothing. On top of that, their kids would be sent out as ‘apprentices’ for free to white owners. So, they got rid of the word ‘slave’ and they called them ‘vagrants,’ ‘prisoners,’ and ‘apprentices, but it was basically free labor.”
“Okay,” I asked him. “So, what’s the problem? It seems like they had it all figured out. They needed workers and they figured it out.”
“The god-damned Democrats,” Stevie told me, and I was like, “Yeah, I figured.”
“The South figured it out,” Stevie goes on. “They had Jim Crow. You stay there, I stay here kind of thing, but then the Dems take over with that Socialist Roosevelt and he starts packing the courts with these liberal judges and all of a sudden, separate is no longer equal. Blacks and whites have to go to school together. They have to eat together. Even though, the blacks don’t pay as much in taxes, they get the same free schools and social security and health care. Brown versus the Board of Education. Roe Versus Wade. Everyone’s equal all of a sudden. No matter how much you’ve contributed, or not contributed, you get all the same stuff – everyone gets a trophy, even if you finished dead last. Then the gays had rights, women had rights, Latino workers, Indians – it was anarchy. Shit, Donnie, even the environment has more rights than the average white male. A god-damned river in Ohio had more legal protection than the white guy running the factory who was trying to dump his waste without going broke. You know what it’s like, Donnie. Environmental Impact Statements – what the hell is that? A choke-hold on the economy – that’s what it is.
“There was a Golden Age, Donnie Boy, when men like you, rich guys with vision who could build towers, cities and fortunes, guys the Pinko newspapers called ‘robber barons,’ but they were really men of vision. These men created steel like Carnegie, automobiles like Ford, telephones like Edison. These men built highways and cruise ships. There were no pansy-ass government regulations, Donnie. There were no bullshit governmental regulations about health care for all. The environment? The trees? The coal? The oil? The minerals? All that wasted land in those National Parks that the other Roosevelt created? Those were all opportunities for men like you. The great capitalists of the globe. Since Roosevelt and the Socialists took over we’ve been fighting and clawing our way back into power, Donnie. Law by law, judge by judge, precedent by precedent, we’re regaining what this country was a 130, 140 years ago – that great Christian land founded by white men, where anyone who had the gumption could succeed, and you could be part of it, Donnie boy. You could be the face of the past which is where we belong. Self-made men, not cowards sniveling for hand-outs and government subsidies.”
It was right then I had to think of my grandfather, Friedrich. He was one of the originals of this country, you know? He was born in a beautiful place in Germany, in a place called Bavaria, but he didn’t want to serve in the army, so he was like, “Nope, I’m going to America.” And when he got there, see, he saw all the possibilities. He knew what he wanted: money, and he got it. He was into real estate like me and he had some really nice hotels back in the days of the gold rush, ‘cause he knew those guys need three things. The needed a roof over their heads, they needed food in their stomachs and they needed women –so, he used to always have “rooms for women” in his hotels, and he was the one who started it all for us Trumps. Now, imagine trying to do that now, with all these bullshit hippie regulations and laws and bylaws and whatnot, right? I’ve had to fight through all these stupid restrictions my whole life, and don’t get me wrong, let’s be clear about this, it has not been easy for me. And you know I started off in Brooklyn? My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. That’s it. That’s all I had was this measly million bucks to start with, where these other guys, like Carnegie, he had millions and millions to work with, but I did, just the way my father told me to do it. He always said, “'The elevator to success is out of order. Go one step at a time.” So, you see, I didn’t get the elevator like all these other guys. I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth like Henry Ford or Vanderbilt. These guys had everything handed to them. Me? I had to work for it. But with hard work, and a little luck from The Almighty, things worked out, or as my old preacher, Norman Vincent Peale, used to say, “Learn to pray big prayers. God will rate you according to the size of your prayers.” I guess old God rated me pretty good.
But now, after all that hard, honest labor, I’m supposed to hand it all back to people who haven’t done anything for this country. I mean, I can see why. These other people, they must be jealous in some senses. They look at me and they see what I’ve got, and they must figure that everybody deserves what I’ve got, but they don’t understand that that’s not how it works. Even Jesus Christ himself, he said, “The poor will always be among us.” So, it’s like, “Sorry not sorry, pal. Pray bigger. Dream bigger. Think bigger, right?” That’s when it all started to sink in, all this stuff Stevie was talking about, and everything Roger was talking about, too.
“The Reconstruction is over, and we killed it,” Stevie got all serious on me. “Can you hear it? Can you hear the clanging of the shovels of the gravediggers? The Dems are dead, and we killed them. The New Deal – dead! The Great Society – dead! Camelot – dead! Dead as J.F.K., R.F.K., Martin, Malcolm and all the others that never made it into the history books. Now it’s time for Deconstruction, stripping it all down, destroying that Leviathan of bureaucracy that is called ‘government’ now. That fatty, stumbling creature called Washington D.C. that gorges itself on taxes and spits them back out to Israel, shitholes in Central America, Arabs who bomb us, supposed earthquake victims on tiny, useless islands. We’re taking it all back, Donnie boy, and you’re going to be the face of it all, the pitch man, the P.T. Barnum of the newest, Greatest Show on Earth. What do you think?”
“Roger was telling me before,” I told Stevie, “that all I had to do was talk, basically. Is this true?”
“Yeah,” Stevie tells me. “Pretty much. Just pretend you’re back on TV.”
So, I talked to Roger about it, and he’s sitting there, sipping on his martini as always, and I says, “Hey, Rog, we’re gonna get a lot of flack about this whole ‘deconstruction’ thing Stevie’s got in mind. Besides, I’m more of a construction guy, not a de-construction guy. I mean, is this even up my alley?”
“You have to revel in their hatred, Donnie boy,” Roger told me. “If they hate you, you must be doing something right. Also, if you know anything about the construction business, then you’ll know just as much about the de-construction business. All you have to do is to do everything in reverse.”
Sometimes Roger could really talk weird. Like sometimes, I just didn’t get what he was saying. So, I was like, “What the hell are you talking about?”
“Okay, let me put it in your terms,” Rog says; “on a construction site, what do you need to build something?”
“Workers,” I started.
“What else?” Rog asked. “Everything.”
“Tools,” I thought really hard, “a union rep even if he’s just a guy that the local sends over to sit there ‘cause he’s on the take so he just sits in the trailer all day. You need a bunch of bullshit permits and stuff, all kinds of paperwork. Workers, you need them. You need a foreman.”
“Now this question may sound really simple, Donnie, but what kind of workers, tools and whatnot do you need?” he said as he smiled.
“The best,” I tell him. “Always the best.”
“You need the best for con-struction,” he pointed at with his martini. I hated when he did that. “But you need the worst for de-con-struction. See my point, Donnie boy?”
My mind was blown. I was like, “Wow!” Yeah, that made perfect sense.
“And what do you take away when you want a project to stop dead in its tracks, wither and eventually die?” Rog asked me.
“Money, right?” I wasn’t sure if I was right, ‘cause I felt like I was back in school again, and we all know how I feel about school.
“Now you’re getting it,” Rog went on. “If you want to de-contsruct something, anything, you just don’t feed it the money it needs. Planned Parenthood – underfund it. Eventually, the AIDS-ridden clients have no where to go. The buildings shutter up and the diseased die off. All those welfare queens who are spurting out babies suddenly have nowhere to go for free abortions. I know how you feel about education. Put a bad foreman in charge, a real dope, and stop spending money on every hood-rat, illegal and vagrant who wanders in off the street to learn how to read. Eventually, it just crumbles. You know? Put a surgeon in charge of the Housing Authority.”
“A surgeon?” I was kinda shocked.
“Sure,” Rog laughed. “What does he know about housing? Just make him black and everyone will be like, ‘Oh look how progressive. Look how racially sensitive he is.’”
Yeah, that made perfect sense, actually. It’s like in the Fake News Media. It doesn’t really matter what they say. If they have a nice piece of ass saying it, then people believe it. I’ve told many women reporters, “Let’s face it, you wouldn’t have your job if you weren’t hot, you know?” They don’t want to believe it, but it’s true. So, it doesn't really matter what they write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass. And it doesn’t really matter in this country if you’ve actually done anything to become rich and famous and loved by millions. Sure, I had to break my back every day, but you don’t always have to, like Paris Hilton. She did it purely on looks, which she displayed in the most effective way in her sex tape. After that sex tape, she had a brand, right? I’m not saying anything about her, she used what she had, and she knew that if the product simply looks good, it doesn’t matter if there’s nothing behind it. Please, believe me, she’s someone who a lot of people don’t give credit to but in actuality is really beautiful, this Paris Hilton. I’ve known Paris Hilton from the time she’s 12, and I knew she had something there, something a lot of people just don’t have, a beautiful appearance. Her parents are friends of mine, and the first time I saw her she walked into a room and I said, ‘Who the hell is that? She's a very... Well, at 12 I wasn't interested. I've never been into that. They've sort of always stick around that 25 category. My point is, and we’ve talked about this a few times in this book, is that what you see and hear are not what’s happening, just pay attention to the pretty piece on the screen.
So, it was after that breakthrough, after my discussions with Stevie and Rog, that I was all in. We were going to campaign and win this thing. I was going to be president and we were all going to make a ton of money and Stevie could have his “deconstruction” thing, whatever that meant to him. So, we started on the path to what would become the greatest campaign victory in the history of all victories, and I’ve been looking around to see if anyone disagrees and no one really has yet. I mean, there are always the Haters, the Libs and the Dems, but it’s history, and since they love schools, books and history so much, they can look it up, but they won’t ‘cause they just want to believe that it wasn’t the greatest, biggest thing ever. Then, we started the deconstruction. We started putting all the best people in charge, who were actually the worst people, ‘cause according to Rog that’s the only way to do the opposite of constructing something. So, we put this lady in who had never even taken a student loan, a billionaire, who gave us a lot of money in charge of education. Then we got ourselves an African-American in charge of housing, a surgeon just like Rog suggested, but not just any surgeon but the Surgeon General of the United, ‘cause of course you want the very best of the worst. We got Sessions for Attorney General. It was all coming together. Of course, the pinnacle of this, the one in charge of all this deconstruction, the one with the least political experience and, perhaps even intelligence, the best of the worst, the one in charge, the foreman if you will of this deconstruction project would be me – the 45th president of these United States.
Now available on Amazon.


thespoof--2020-03-08--Nashville Man Successfully Treats Coronavirus with Wedge of Lime

Feeling parched and a little feverish , Justin Lancet of Nashville , Tennessee , successfully treated his suspected case of coronavirus with a chilled beverage accompanied by a wedge of lime .
“ It really took the edge off , ” said Lancet , who takes concerns about mass epidemics quite seriously .
“ I think it was probably the vitamin C in the lime .
That helped a lot with scurvy , you know.
” Lancet , who hasn ’ t been tested for coronavirus , but hopes to have the opportunity at some point , explained that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a vaccine , he ’ s relying on home remedies like couch-rest and ingesting lots of fluids .
“ I was craving something cool to soothe my throat , and I wanted to do everything I could to prevent germs.
” According to Lancet , the time-honored Mexican Corona brew , accompanied by the green citrus wedge , fit the bill on all counts .
“ It ’ s empowering to know that I can heal myself , '' he said .
`` People don ’ t realize how much of their health @ @ @ @ @ @

Feeling parched and a little feverish, Justin Lancet of Nashville, Tennessee, successfully treated his suspected case of coronavirus with a chilled beverage accompanied by a wedge of lime.
“It really took the edge off,” said Lancet, who takes concerns about mass epidemics quite seriously. “I think it was probably the vitamin C in the lime. That helped a lot with scurvy, you know.”
Lancet, who hasn’t been tested for coronavirus, but hopes to have the opportunity at some point, explained that, for now, in the absence of a vaccine, he’s relying on home remedies like couch-rest and ingesting lots of fluids. “I was craving something cool to soothe my throat, and I wanted to do everything I could to prevent germs.”
According to Lancet, the time-honored Mexican Corona brew, accompanied by the green citrus wedge, fit the bill on all counts. “It’s empowering to know that I can heal myself," he said. "People don’t realize how much of their health is within their control."


thespoof--2020-03-08--Former Ohio State Wrestling Coach Rep. Jim Jordan Is in a World of Deep Donkey Dung

NEW YORK CITY – The New York Sun Observer has just acknowledged that GOP representative and noted Trump defender , @ @ @ @ @ feeling extremely nervous these days .
The former Ohio State wrestling coach told his good @ @ @ @ @ “ No Nuts ” Nunes that 93 ex-Ohio State wrestlers have now come forward with @ @ @ @ @ drawings of their peckers without their permission .
When confronted with this claim , Jordan @ @ @ @ @ explained that all 93 wrestlers were simply lying , and that it was just a @ @ @ @ @ , a Halloween prank , and a severe case of mistaken identity .
An unnamed @ @ @ @ @ Locker Room Boy ” Jordan was so nervous that his tongue has not been able @ @ @ @ @ same staffer further added that , as a result , no one wants to sit @ @ @ @ @ the Congressional Cafeteria .
IN CLOSING – Jordan told Sean Hannity that he has never @ @ @ @ @ , much less been there .

NEW YORK CITY – The New York Sun Observer has just acknowledged that GOP representative and noted Trump defender, Rep. Jim Jordan, is feeling extremely nervous these days.
The former Ohio State wrestling coach told his good friend and fellow GOPer Kevin “No Nuts” Nunes that 93 ex-Ohio State wrestlers have now come forward with claims that he made charcoal drawings of their peckers without their permission.
When confronted with this claim, Jordan simply shook his head and explained that all 93 wrestlers were simply lying, and that it was just a hoax, a witch hunt, a Halloween prank, and a severe case of mistaken identity.
An unnamed Jordan staffer disclosed that “Locker Room Boy” Jordan was so nervous that his tongue has not been able to stop vibrating.
The same staffer further added that, as a result, no one wants to sit anywhere near jittery Jordan in the Congressional Cafeteria.
IN CLOSING – Jordan told Sean Hannity that he has never heard of Ohio State University, much less been there.


thespoof--2020-03-08--American Educators Ask Melania Trump To Correct Her Atrocious Grammar

NEW ORLEANS -The highly respected National Coalition of Federated Educators had their annual convention in New Orleans .
The theme this year was The Art of Hypocrisy .
They focused on the nation ’ s first lady Melania Trump ’ s anti-bullying program , which she personally named “ Be Best '' .
The NCFE president , Poinsettia Gardengrill , 49 , of Tulsa , Oklahoma , said that any second-grade student knows that to say “ Be Best ” is horribly incorrect .
She pointed out that the correct term would be “ Be The Best '' .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ day for using incorrect grammar , and then the nation ’ s first lady comes out with a national program with that kind of horrendous grammar .
Gardengrill elaborated by saying that Melania ’ s anti-bullying campaign is nothing but a joke .
She wondered how on Earth the first lady could possibly push a no bullying concept when the nitwit she is married to is the undisputed biggest bullier in the history of bullies .
IN CLOSING – One NCFE member suggested that perhaps Melania needs to terminate her silly as hell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ maybe start up a new one titled , “ How To Learn To Put Up With A Pathological Liar .
”

NEW ORLEANS -The highly respected National Coalition of Federated Educators had their annual convention in New Orleans.
The theme this year was The Art of Hypocrisy. They focused on the nation’s first lady Melania Trump’s anti-bullying program, which she personally named “Be Best".
The NCFE president, Poinsettia Gardengrill, 49, of Tulsa, Oklahoma, said that any second-grade student knows that to say “Be Best” is horribly incorrect. She pointed out that the correct term would be “Be The Best".
The group said that kids get criticized every day for using incorrect grammar, and then the nation’s first lady comes out with a national program with that kind of horrendous grammar.
Gardengrill elaborated by saying that Melania’s anti-bullying campaign is nothing but a joke. She wondered how on Earth the first lady could possibly push a no bullying concept when the nitwit she is married to is the undisputed biggest bullier in the history of bullies.
IN CLOSING – One NCFE member suggested that perhaps Melania needs to terminate her silly as hell “Be Best” program, and maybe start up a new one titled, “How To Learn To Put Up With A Pathological Liar.”


thespoof--2020-03-08--Polls Show That Anti-Trump Advocate George Conway’s Popularity Is Soaring Beyond Belief

NEW YORK CITY – The man that is making President Trump miserable as well as nervous as hell , is finding out that he is becoming more and more popular with tens of millions of Americans .
In fact , the Washington Globe-Express recently stated that George Conway 's popularity is higher than Trump 's by an astonishing 39 % .
Conway , who is one of the founders of the Dump Trump 2020 Movement , admitted that he hates Trump more than sheep hate coyotes .
He divulged that , because of his wife , Kellyanne , he knows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about Trump , who Nancy Pelosi refers to as the “ Little Peter Tweeter '' .
When George “ The Man ” Conway was told that his popularity had skyrocketed way past `` Comrade Trumpski 's '' , he just smiled and said that it just shows you that not all people were sickeningly gullible and were recklessly following the Pied Piper of the Potomac .
Conway noted that each day he gets emails and texts from individuals saying that they truly fear that Trump is going to turn the USA into Guatemala @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump is about as presidential as two-day-old vulture vomit .

NEW YORK CITY – The man that is making President Trump miserable as well as nervous as hell, is finding out that he is becoming more and more popular with tens of millions of Americans.
In fact, the Washington Globe-Express recently stated that George Conway's popularity is higher than Trump's by an astonishing 39%.
Conway, who is one of the founders of the Dump Trump 2020 Movement, admitted that he hates Trump more than sheep hate coyotes.
He divulged that, because of his wife, Kellyanne, he knows lots of juicy, secret personal stuff about Trump, who Nancy Pelosi refers to as the “Little Peter Tweeter".
When George “The Man” Conway was told that his popularity had skyrocketed way past "Comrade Trumpski's", he just smiled and said that it just shows you that not all people were sickeningly gullible and were recklessly following the Pied Piper of the Potomac.
Conway noted that each day he gets emails and texts from individuals saying that they truly fear that Trump is going to turn the USA into Guatemala.
IN CLOSING – Conway says that Trump is about as presidential as two-day-old vulture vomit.


thespoof--2020-03-09--Latest DNC quid pro quo in trouble backstage as July convention approaches

As the saying goes , “ You ca n't make this stuff up ” -- as we move to the latest news , according to insider sources .
Notice the DNC has just jived the rules again by eliminating Tulsi Gabbard from the next debate as somehow deficient in delegates .
Never mind that more than half the states have yet to go to primaries .
The DNC previously changed the rules so that Bloomberg could enter debates , although he had no contributions and no delegates at that time .
DNC Chair Tom Perez : “ No , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ go along .
Trust me.
” History tells us that DNC shenanigans in 2016 included smearing Sanders , plus supplying questions to Hillary Clinton ahead of debates and interviews .
.
Recently , Biden looked dead in his tracks , then hugely rebounded so that now Sanders is trailing .
A breathless quality of gravity has come over MSM announcers asking if Sanders should drop out and throw his support to Biden .
Millions of `` Do You Feel The Bern '' enthusiasts are shuddering with these developments .
Insider sources tell us @ @ @ @ @ @ @ between Mr. Biden and Ms. Clinton .
In July , the DNC will nominate Biden for President , his VEEP Hillary Clinton .
Next he will resign `` for health reasons . ''
The quid pro quo : When Mr. Biden resigns , Ms. Clinton will , at last , become President .
She pardons Biden to stop any further odor emerging from the reeking Ukraine scandal that refuses to die .
A new VEEP will be appointed ( currently , a fierce and nasty battle is taking place between Elizabeth Warren and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ well backstage at the DNC , because a bruising and tough lady has just shown up , named Michelle Obama .
MO and HRC are now in a spirited contest to win Biden 's choice for the deal—both okay with a temporary VP position , but not after Biden is gone .
Both are brooding about backstage with black looks and chins lifting defiantly .
How to decide ?
Arm wrestling , kick boxing , hair pulling -- all declined by HRC .
How about pool or basketball ?
Or leave it to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I got it now .
Did you say Obama or Osama ?
” “ Joking !
Just joking !
Ca n't we have a little rumor here , maybe ?
” “ Did I say rumor ?
Of course I meant , ahh , just a minute , I 'll get it .
.
.
”

As the saying goes, “You can't make this stuff up”--as we move to the latest news, according to insider sources.
Notice the DNC has just jived the rules again by eliminating Tulsi Gabbard from the next debate as somehow deficient in delegates.
Never mind that more than half the states have yet to go to primaries.
The DNC previously changed the rules so that Bloomberg could enter debates, although he had no contributions and no delegates at that time.
DNC Chair Tom Perez: “No, we are not making this up as we go along. Trust me.”
History tells us that DNC shenanigans in 2016 included smearing Sanders, plus supplying questions to Hillary Clinton ahead of debates and interviews. .
Recently, Biden looked dead in his tracks, then hugely rebounded so that now Sanders is trailing.
A breathless quality of gravity has come over MSM announcers asking if Sanders should drop out and throw his support to Biden.
Millions of "Do You Feel The Bern" enthusiasts are shuddering with these developments.
The latest:
Insider sources tell us a new deal is in the works between Mr. Biden and Ms. Clinton.
In July, the DNC will nominate Biden for President, his VEEP Hillary Clinton.
Next he will resign "for health reasons."
The quid pro quo:
When Mr. Biden resigns, Ms. Clinton will, at last, become President.
She pardons Biden to stop any further odor emerging from the reeking Ukraine scandal that refuses to die.
A new VEEP will be appointed (currently, a fierce and nasty battle is taking place between Elizabeth Warren and Kamala Harris).
However--
All is not well backstage at the DNC, because a bruising and tough lady has just shown up, named Michelle Obama.
MO and HRC are now in a spirited contest to win Biden's choice for the deal—both okay with a temporary VP position, but not after Biden is gone.
Both are brooding about backstage with black looks and chins lifting defiantly.
How to decide? Arm wrestling, kick boxing, hair pulling--all declined by HRC. How about pool or basketball?
Or leave it to Mr. Biden:
“Ah, Michele? Who is that?”
“It's Mr. Obama's wife, sir.”
“Oh, okay, I got it now. Did you say Obama or Osama?”
“Ahh, sir. . . “
“Joking! Just joking! Can't we have a little rumor here, maybe?”
“Ahh, sir . . .
“Did I say rumor? Of course I meant, ahh, just a minute, I'll get it . . .”
"Ahh . . ."


thespoof--2020-03-08--French tourist guilty on 549 charges of rape and sexual assault

A French skunk has been found guilty on five hundred and forty-nine of six hundred possible counts : criminal sexual act in the first degree and rape in the third degree .
He was found not guilty , though , of the most serious charges , of bestiality ( two counts ) and rape in the first degree .
The jury , made up of seven men and five women , delivered the verdict on Friday nearly a week after beginning deliberations .
Pepe Le Pew was handcuffed and taken straight to jail where he 'll remain until sentencing on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ defense said they are working to get Pepe bail , despite him being a flight risk '' While he was not convicted on the most serious charges , we are disappointed in the verdict and will be filing an appeal .
There are issues in this trial that were extremely troubling , and they prejudiced Mr.Le Pew 's ability to have his case fairly judged , '' the defense team told this reporter .
`` These will be addressed to a higher court .
The cats who made these allegations were merely seeking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they should be held accountable also .
I mean , how many times do they rub up against a freshly painted white fence ?
Our client may have been amorous but in no way is he a rapist .
The fact that numerous witnesses claim to have seen him molesting and bothering cats on television is neither here nor there . ''
The allegations against Le Pew initiated the popular # metoo and # dirtyfrenchtwat movements .
`` Jurors came in knowing everything that they could know about this case , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ heard of Pepe Le Pew , '' said his lawyer `` We 'll absolutely be appealing , the fight is not over . ''
`` Pepe is unbelievably strong , he took it like a skunk and he knows that we will continue to fight for him and we know that this is not over .
Yes , he smells , but that is n't a crime .
For Christ 's sake ... he is French , they all smell . ''
she stated .

A French skunk has been found guilty on five hundred and forty-nine of six hundred possible counts: criminal sexual act in the first degree and rape in the third degree. He was found not guilty, though, of the most serious charges, of bestiality (two counts) and rape in the first degree. The jury, made up of seven men and five women, delivered the verdict on Friday nearly a week after beginning deliberations.
Pepe Le Pew was handcuffed and taken straight to jail where he'll remain until sentencing on March 11. A spokesperson for the defense said they are working to get Pepe bail, despite him being a flight risk
"While he was not convicted on the most serious charges, we are disappointed in the verdict and will be filing an appeal. There are issues in this trial that were extremely troubling, and they prejudiced Mr.Le Pew's ability to have his case fairly judged," the defense team told this reporter. "These will be addressed to a higher court. The cats who made these allegations were merely seeking financial gain, and in any case, they should be held accountable also. I mean, how many times do they rub up against a freshly painted white fence? Our client may have been amorous but in no way is he a rapist. The fact that numerous witnesses claim to have seen him molesting and bothering cats on television is neither here nor there."
The allegations against Le Pew initiated the popular #metoo and #dirtyfrenchtwat movements.
"Jurors came in knowing everything that they could know about this case, we couldn't find a juror that never heard of Pepe Le Pew," said his lawyer "We'll absolutely be appealing, the fight is not over."
"Pepe is unbelievably strong, he took it like a skunk and he knows that we will continue to fight for him and we know that this is not over. Yes, he smells, but that isn't a crime. For Christ's sake...he is French, they all smell." she stated.


thespoof--2020-03-09--Coronavirus And Cashew Checken

Coronavirus And Cashew Checken

BILLINGSGATE POST : I took a chance and ate at a Chinese restaurant yesterday .
I attempted to pay the @ @ @ @ @ .
Jimmy , the waiter , said , “ No , Doctor .
No cash @ @ @ @ @ pointed to this statement on the front of the menu .
I opened the menu @ @ @ @ @ Cashew Chicken ” entree on the menu as I wrote out the check .
Being @ @ @ @ @ , I again pointed to the menu .
By then , we had attracted the @ @ @ @ @ And I could see one of the cooks coming out of the kitchen with his @ @ @ @ @ problem , Jimmy .
Do you take VISA ?
” Slim : “ I guess @ @ @ @ @ Coronavirus .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: I took a chance and ate at a Chinese restaurant yesterday. I attempted to pay the bill by writing a check.
Jimmy, the waiter, said, “No, Doctor. No cash checken,” as he pointed to this statement on the front of the menu.
I opened the menu and pointed to the “Cashew Chicken” entree on the menu as I wrote out the check.
“No, Doctor. No cash checken!” Jimmy yelled.
Being convinced that I was right, I again pointed to the menu.
By then, we had attracted the attention of other diners. And I could see one of the cooks coming out of the kitchen with his cleaver raised.
“No problem, Jimmy. Do you take VISA?”
Slim: “I guess we have bigger problems than Coronavirus.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Failure to communicate.”


thespoof--2020-03-09--Trump Declares That Barack Obama Is To Blame For The Coronavirus

CHICAGO – The Chicago Daily Wind is reporting that one of the biggest anti-Trump advocates , George “ The Man “ Conway , of the Dump Trump 2020 group , says that there just seems to be no end to the chicken droppings that spew out of “ The Orange Fuhrer ’ s ” girlish-looking mouth .
The Chicago newspaper observed that Conway has got more balls than Trump ’ s entire White House cabinet and staff put together .
The Daily Wind added that It took quasi-President Trump a while , but he is now putting the entire blame @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Barack Obama .
Conway laughed uncontrollably as he pointed out that Trump said Obama brought the COVID-19 back to America when he visited Kenya last Valentine ’ s Day .
The Daily Wind article also pointed out that , next , “ The Pied Piper of The Potomac ” will blame Obama for the sinking of the Titanic , World War II , Hurricane Katrina , and spider webs .
IN CLOSING – George was asked what his wife Kellyanne thinks about his anti-Trump comments .
He grinned , grabbed his crotch , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ family , Big George is the one with the balls .
”

CHICAGO – The Chicago Daily Wind is reporting that one of the biggest anti-Trump advocates, George “The Man“ Conway, of the Dump Trump 2020 group, says that there just seems to be no end to the chicken droppings that spew out of “The Orange Fuhrer’s” girlish-looking mouth.
The Chicago newspaper observed that Conway has got more balls than Trump’s entire White House cabinet and staff put together.
The Daily Wind added that It took quasi-President Trump a while, but he is now putting the entire blame for the Coronavirus on former president, Barack Obama.
Conway laughed uncontrollably as he pointed out that Trump said Obama brought the COVID-19 back to America when he visited Kenya last Valentine’s Day.
The Daily Wind article also pointed out that, next, “The Pied Piper of The Potomac” will blame Obama for the sinking of the Titanic, World War II, Hurricane Katrina, and spider webs.
IN CLOSING – George was asked what his wife Kellyanne thinks about his anti-Trump comments. He grinned, grabbed his crotch, and replied, “In the Conway family, Big George is the one with the balls.”


thespoof--2020-03-09--President Trump Reveals The Amazing Reason Why He Wants To Buy Argentina

TEXHOMA , Oklahoma – President Donald Trump spoke at a rally at Celine Dion High School in Texhoma , and made a very stunning announcement .
He told the crowd , estimated to be around 413 , that he has decided to buy the South American country of Argentina .
After the rally he was asked by a reporter with RumorLand News why Argentina , out of all of the world ’ s 196 countries ?
POTUS took a bite out of his KFC chicken wing , and said that it is located in a good area , and besides @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get a good price .
He admitted to RumorLand that he is thinking ahead , and wants to purchase Argentina so that it can be used to send all of the US citizens who are , and will be , affected with the Coronavirus .
Trump then attempted to pat himself on the back , and got one hell of a cramp in his left shoulder , but he insisted that the reporter say that it was in his right shoulder .
IN CLOSING – DJT addressed the divorce rumor by saying that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and he said he thinks that the rumor was started by former Republican , Clint Eastwood .

TEXHOMA, Oklahoma – President Donald Trump spoke at a rally at Celine Dion High School in Texhoma, and made a very stunning announcement. He told the crowd, estimated to be around 413, that he has decided to buy the South American country of Argentina.
After the rally he was asked by a reporter with RumorLand News why Argentina, out of all of the world’s 196 countries?
POTUS took a bite out of his KFC chicken wing, and said that it is located in a good area, and besides, he is certain that he can get a good price.
He admitted to RumorLand that he is thinking ahead, and wants to purchase Argentina so that it can be used to send all of the US citizens who are, and will be, affected with the Coronavirus.
Trump then attempted to pat himself on the back, and got one hell of a cramp in his left shoulder, but he insisted that the reporter say that it was in his right shoulder.
IN CLOSING – DJT addressed the divorce rumor by saying that he and Melania have never been semi-happier, and he said he thinks that the rumor was started by former Republican, Clint Eastwood.


thespoof--2020-03-09--Nashville Man Lets Depression Have Its Way with Him

After fending off its advances for years , Wayne Mason of Nashville , Tennessee , finally allowed depression to have its way with him .
“ Very seductive , ” said Mason of the existential , twisted thoughts with which depression ultimately lured him in .
“ Ultimately impossible to resist .
I am but a man.
” Mason explained that the sweet relief he felt at his surrender to all-encompassing depression was like nothing else he ’ d ever experienced .
“ Other-worldly is the best way to put it , ” he said .
“ Not for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for sure.
” According to Mason , getting caught up in depression 's sweep , while not asphyxiating completely , was a challenge .
“ I couldn ’ t help but give all of me over , but it was a struggle just to breathe.
” Eventually , after sucking him into a raging torrent of dark emotion , depression loosened its grip on Mason , and he made a desperate rush for the surface .
He burst into the daylight , gasping for breath .
There , in the bright sunshine , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ least for now .
“ Right now , I ’ m playing around with positivity , but honestly , it ’ s nothing serious , ” he said .
“ I know where my heart really lies .
Love is love .
”

After fending off its advances for years, Wayne Mason of Nashville, Tennessee, finally allowed depression to have its way with him.
“Very seductive,” said Mason of the existential, twisted thoughts with which depression ultimately lured him in. “Ultimately impossible to resist. I am but a man.”
Mason explained that the sweet relief he felt at his surrender to all-encompassing depression was like nothing else he’d ever experienced. “Other-worldly is the best way to put it,” he said. “Not for the faint of heart, that’s for sure.”
According to Mason, getting caught up in depression's sweep, while not asphyxiating completely, was a challenge. “I couldn’t help but give all of me over, but it was a struggle just to breathe.”
Eventually, after sucking him into a raging torrent of dark emotion, depression loosened its grip on Mason, and he made a desperate rush for the surface. He burst into the daylight, gasping for breath. There, in the bright sunshine, Mason found a new relationship – at least for now.
“Right now, I’m playing around with positivity, but honestly, it’s nothing serious,” he said. “I know where my heart really lies. Love is love.”


thespoof--2020-03-10--FDA Urges More Coronavirus Testing so that Treatment of Cold-Like Symptoms Can Proceed Exactly as It

FDA Urges More Coronavirus Testing so that Treatment of Cold-Like Symptoms Can Proceed Exactly as It Otherwise Would Have

Railing against the dearth of testing for coronavirus , the Food and Drug Administration emphasized the importance of making testing widely available , so that treatment of Americans demonstrating cold-like or flu-like symptoms can proceed exactly as it otherwise would have .
Symptoms of coronavirus , also known as COVID-19 , can include fever , coughing , and shortness of breath .
FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn explained , `` There is currently no vaccine or treatment for COVID-19 other than the usual things you do to treat its symptoms . ''
Hahn noted that early testing for coronavirus will enable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like hand-washing , drinking lots of fluids , and getting plenty of rest .
Because symptoms of a coronavirus usually go away on their own , Hahn pointed out that it is that much more critical to determine early on whether a person has coronavirus , before the person makes a full recovery .
“ Otherwise , we might never know that they even had COVID-19 , ” said Hahn .
“ And we ’ re very curious.
” When questioned as to whether COVID-19 testing might be unnecessarily expensive , and even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of treatment for coronavirus is no different from that suggested to treat the flu or the common cold , Hahn agreed completely .
“ That ’ s exactly the point , ” he said .
“ But without more testing , how will we ever raise awareness of this life-threatening mass epidemic ?
”

Railing against the dearth of testing for coronavirus, the Food and Drug Administration emphasized the importance of making testing widely available, so that treatment of Americans demonstrating cold-like or flu-like symptoms can proceed exactly as it otherwise would have.
Symptoms of coronavirus, also known as COVID-19, can include fever, coughing, and shortness of breath. FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn explained, "There is currently no vaccine or treatment for COVID-19 other than the usual things you do to treat its symptoms." Hahn noted that early testing for coronavirus will enable people to move quickly into taking measures like hand-washing, drinking lots of fluids, and getting plenty of rest.
Because symptoms of a coronavirus usually go away on their own, Hahn pointed out that it is that much more critical to determine early on whether a person has coronavirus, before the person makes a full recovery. “Otherwise, we might never know that they even had COVID-19,” said Hahn. “And we’re very curious.”
When questioned as to whether COVID-19 testing might be unnecessarily expensive, and even superfluous, given that the recommended course of treatment for coronavirus is no different from that suggested to treat the flu or the common cold, Hahn agreed completely. “That’s exactly the point,” he said. “But without more testing, how will we ever raise awareness of this life-threatening mass epidemic?”


thespoof--2020-03-10--Writer sees sales soar thanks to coronavirus

English author , Duncan Whitehead , has reported that sales of his books in the USA have trebled overnight , @ @ @ @ @ goods and food .
However , the increase in sales appears to have had nothing @ @ @ @ @ themselves , but is due , in fact , to a shortage of toilet tissue @ @ @ @ @ , from Fort Lauderdale , explained , `` I have searched high and low for @ @ @ @ @ stores have sold out , so , instead , I ordered a copy of Whitehead @ @ @ @ @ Jesus ' and several other of his books , as I am led to believe @ @ @ @ @ for wiping your ass with .
They really are that bad . ''

English author, Duncan Whitehead, has reported that sales of his books in the USA have trebled overnight, as shoppers continue to panic-buy goods and food.
However, the increase in sales appears to have had nothing to do with the stories themselves, but is due, in fact, to a shortage of toilet tissue.
Panic-buyer, David Pines, from Fort Lauderdale, explained, "I have searched high and low for toilet paper, but the stores have sold out, so, instead, I ordered a copy of Whitehead's book. 'The Reluctant Jesus' and several other of his books, as I am led to believe these books are only fit for wiping your ass with. They really are that bad."


thespoof--2020-03-10--The Stock Market Continues To Spiral Downward and Trump Says He May Cut Social Security Payments By

The Stock Market Continues To Spiral Downward and Trump Says He May Cut Social Security Payments By As Much as 70%

WASHINGTON , D.C. – A source inside the White House divulged that President Trump has been seen stressing out more and more with each passing day .
The stock market continues to set records for losses , and as Nancy “ Cupcakes ” Pelosi said to CNN 's Don Lemon , “ Good golly gosh , the effen stock market is going down faster than a cheap street prostitute.
” Trump emphasized that it is no big deal , and he noted that this is just another hoax being perpetuated by Pelosi 's Democrats , who are mad because he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ non-colluded handsome devil of a president .
`` Old Baby Fingers '' met with Ivanka , Donald Jr , and Sean Hannity , and they all agreed that one way to help remedy the situation is to cut social security benefits by as much as 70 % .
IN CLOSING – When POTUS was told that cutting back on social security payments will affect millions in his highly devoted base , he reportedly said , “ Well , they ’ ll just have to cut back on their beer drinking , their tobacco @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A source inside the White House divulged that President Trump has been seen stressing out more and more with each passing day.
The stock market continues to set records for losses, and as Nancy “Cupcakes” Pelosi said to CNN's Don Lemon, “Good golly gosh, the effen stock market is going down faster than a cheap street prostitute.”
Trump emphasized that it is no big deal, and he noted that this is just another hoax being perpetuated by Pelosi's Democrats, who are mad because he is such a perfect, intelligent, non-colluded handsome devil of a president.
"Old Baby Fingers" met with Ivanka, Donald Jr, and Sean Hannity, and they all agreed that one way to help remedy the situation is to cut social security benefits by as much as 70%.
IN CLOSING – When POTUS was told that cutting back on social security payments will affect millions in his highly devoted base, he reportedly said, “Well, they’ll just have to cut back on their beer drinking, their tobacco chewing, and their possum hunting.”


thespoof--2020-03-10--Half A Dozen Republican Senators Are Self-Quarantining and Each One Has Shaken Hands With President

Half A Dozen Republican Senators Are Self-Quarantining and Each One Has Shaken Hands With President Trump

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Trump ’ s theory that Republicans can not get the Coronavirus has been shot all to hell , as half a dozen or so Republican senators , including Ted “ Herman Munster '' Cruz , Matt “ The Brat '' Gaetz , Doug “ Forrest Gump '' Collins , and Louie “ The Goon ” Gohmert have been exposed to someone who has COVID-19 .
Each one of the above senators has shaken hands with Trump in the last few days , and one - Matt Gaetz - has even kissed Trump on the lips .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ tested for the virus .
He yelled at the reporter with the iNews Agency , “ Next question , loser !
” Another reporter with the San Francisco Nightly Herald repeated the question , and this time Trump said that the he has not been tested because he is just too damn important to get the C-19 .
Trump then made it abundantly clear that anyone who tries to quarantine him will immediately get deported down to El Salvador .
POTUS angrily commented that , if he does get infected with the C-91 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is starting to show signs of dyslexia ] , he will immediately blame Nancy Pelosi , Chuck Schumer , Clint Eastwood , Jerry Nadler , Tucker Carlson , and Don “ Rainbow ” Lemon .
An unnamed White House source said that Melania is staying at least 47 feet away from her husband , and she actually may end up moving back to the Trump Tower in downtown Manhattan .
Even Trump ’ s favorite person in the entire world , his daughter Ivanka “ The White House Barbie ” , told her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ near him until sometime in late June or maybe late November .
IN CLOSING – One of the White House maids told The Washington Globe Gazette that she saw Vice-President Pence smiling as he looked in one of the White House hall mirrors practicing the words , “ President Pence , President Pence , President Pence .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Trump’s theory that Republicans cannot get the Coronavirus has been shot all to hell, as half a dozen or so Republican senators, including Ted “Herman Munster" Cruz, Matt “The Brat" Gaetz, Doug “Forrest Gump" Collins, and Louie “The Goon” Gohmert have been exposed to someone who has COVID-19.
Each one of the above senators has shaken hands with Trump in the last few days, and one - Matt Gaetz - has even kissed Trump on the lips.
President Trump was asked if he has tested for the virus. He yelled at the reporter with the iNews Agency, “Next question, loser!”
Another reporter with the San Francisco Nightly Herald repeated the question, and this time Trump said that the he has not been tested because he is just too damn important to get the C-19.
Trump then made it abundantly clear that anyone who tries to quarantine him will immediately get deported down to El Salvador.
POTUS angrily commented that, if he does get infected with the C-91, [WRITER'S NOTE: Trump is starting to show signs of dyslexia], he will immediately blame Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, Clint Eastwood, Jerry Nadler, Tucker Carlson, and Don “Rainbow” Lemon.
An unnamed White House source said that Melania is staying at least 47 feet away from her husband, and she actually may end up moving back to the Trump Tower in downtown Manhattan.
Even Trump’s favorite person in the entire world, his daughter Ivanka “The White House Barbie”, told her daddy that she will not get anywhere near him until sometime in late June or maybe late November.
IN CLOSING – One of the White House maids told The Washington Globe Gazette that she saw Vice-President Pence smiling as he looked in one of the White House hall mirrors practicing the words, “President Pence, President Pence, President Pence.


thespoof--2020-03-12--Dove Feels Unfairly Pigeonholed

Dove Feels Unfairly Pigeonholed

Fed up with constantly being regarded as a symbol of peace , a dove named Dave , from New York City , admitted to feeling unfairly pigeonholed .
“ I ’ ve got nothing against peace , of course , ” said Dave .
“ But I also experience a whole range of other emotions – impatience , irritation , even anger .
Sometimes , because of all the pressure to be a symbol , I feel I can ’ t be fully human.
” Dave explained that , ever since artist Pablo Picasso 's mid-twentieth-century lithograph , La Colombe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as the emblem for the World Peace Council in Paris in 1949 , people simply haven ’ t been interested in other aspects of his personality .
“ I 'm not just a passive pushover looking for handouts , '' he said .
`` I ’ m willing to dive in and get things done .
But , again , no one really wants to hear it.
” That being said , Dave says that he will continue to do his best to uphold his reputation as a paragon of peace , to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even if it does cramp his style just a bit in terms of the crowd he hangs around with .
“ Like they say , birds of a feather flock together , ” he said .
“ What can I do but make the best of it ?
”

Fed up with constantly being regarded as a symbol of peace, a dove named Dave, from New York City, admitted to feeling unfairly pigeonholed.
“I’ve got nothing against peace, of course,” said Dave. “But I also experience a whole range of other emotions – impatience, irritation, even anger. Sometimes, because of all the pressure to be a symbol, I feel I can’t be fully human.”
Dave explained that, ever since artist Pablo Picasso's mid-twentieth-century lithograph, La Colombe (The Dove), was chosen as the emblem for the World Peace Council in Paris in 1949, people simply haven’t been interested in other aspects of his personality.
“I'm not just a passive pushover looking for handouts," he said. "I’m willing to dive in and get things done. But, again, no one really wants to hear it.”
That being said, Dave says that he will continue to do his best to uphold his reputation as a paragon of peace, to the extent that he is able – even if it does cramp his style just a bit in terms of the crowd he hangs around with.
“Like they say, birds of a feather flock together,” he said. “What can I do but make the best of it?”


thespoof--2020-03-12--Pundits Say That Trump (The Default President) Needs To Stop Worrying About Joe Biden

NEW YORK CITY – Political pundits , reporters , and columnists from all over the nation met in the Big Apple and they had an excellent meeting .
Every last one of them is in total agreement that “ The Pied Piper of The Potomac ” really needs to stop worrying about the possibility of Joe Biden kicking his ass in the November election and start running the country .
Ichabod Fernandez with the Vox Populi News Agency stated that the default president ( so called because Hillary Clinton received 3 million more votes than him ) is about as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Kitty Segovia with the iNews Agency noted that if Trump stopped playing golf every friggin 12 hours that maybe he could see about dealing with the dreaded Coronavirus .
Another well respected pundit , Jimbo Zoopy , with GOP Gushings who happens to be a Republican suggested that Trump take a break from his incessantly sarcastic tweeting and do something about that atrociously ugly looking thing that is sitting on top of his head .
And Wydell Willie Washington with The Harlem Yo Bro Press quipped that the “ Orange Devil ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bernie Sanders , but knows that Joe “ The Comeback Kid ” Biden is going to literally barbecue his fat orange ass in November before “ Tweety ” even smells the smoke .

NEW YORK CITY – Political pundits, reporters, and columnists from all over the nation met in the Big Apple and they had an excellent meeting.
Every last one of them is in total agreement that “The Pied Piper of The Potomac” really needs to stop worrying about the possibility of Joe Biden kicking his ass in the November election and start running the country.
Ichabod Fernandez with the Vox Populi News Agency stated that the default president (so called because Hillary Clinton received 3 million more votes than him) is about as presidential as a baboon’s boobs.
Kitty Segovia with the iNews Agency noted that if Trump stopped playing golf every friggin 12 hours that maybe he could see about dealing with the dreaded Coronavirus.
Another well respected pundit, Jimbo Zoopy, with GOP Gushings who happens to be a Republican suggested that Trump take a break from his incessantly sarcastic tweeting and do something about that atrociously ugly looking thing that is sitting on top of his head.
And Wydell Willie Washington with The Harlem Yo Bro Press quipped that the “Orange Devil” realizes that he could have possibly beaten Bernie Sanders, but knows that Joe “The Comeback Kid” Biden is going to literally barbecue his fat orange ass in November before “Tweety” even smells the smoke.


thespoof--2020-03-12--President Trump Divulges That He Will Not Be Too Concerned About the Coronavirus Unless a Trump Fami

President Trump Divulges That He Will Not Be Too Concerned About the Coronavirus Unless a Trump Family Member Comes Down With It

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump called in to a popular GOP radio show and said he wants everyone to stop panicking regarding the Coronavirus .
He stated that as long as you wash your hands , and you don ’ t grab a woman by the you-know-what , and you stay locked up in your bathroom 24/7 you should be perfectly fine .
When asked if he feared possibly contracting the COVID-19 , he simply said that he was not worried about it in the least .
He grinned and noted that since he is so clever , so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hairdo there is just no chance that he will get it .
The leader of the free world who hates being called “ Old Orange Testes ” declared that if and when any member of his immediate family such as Ivanka “ The White House Barbie ” Trump , or his second son Eric “ Goofy ” Trump gets the Coronavirus then , at that time , he will start getting serious about it .
IN CLOSING – Trump was asked if he is still playing golf .
He responded by saying , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ day .
Look , your perfect president has to do something to keep his mind of this dreaded COVIDEO-17 thing .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump called in to a popular GOP radio show and said he wants everyone to stop panicking regarding the Coronavirus.
He stated that as long as you wash your hands, and you don’t grab a woman by the you-know-what, and you stay locked up in your bathroom 24/7 you should be perfectly fine.
When asked if he feared possibly contracting the COVID-19, he simply said that he was not worried about it in the least.
He grinned and noted that since he is so clever, so handsome, and he has a beautiful hairdo there is just no chance that he will get it.
The leader of the free world who hates being called “Old Orange Testes” declared that if and when any member of his immediate family such as Ivanka “The White House Barbie” Trump, or his second son Eric “Goofy” Trump gets the Coronavirus then, at that time, he will start getting serious about it.
IN CLOSING – Trump was asked if he is still playing golf. He responded by saying, “Oh hell yes, every friggin day. Look, your perfect president has to do something to keep his mind of this dreaded COVIDEO-17 thing.”


thespoof--2020-03-12--The FBI, The CIA, and Even The Ku Klux Klan Are All Insisting That President Trump Get Tested For CO

The FBI, The CIA, and Even The Ku Klux Klan Are All Insisting That President Trump Get Tested For COVID-19 Immediately

WASHINGTON , D.C. - President Trump has been sent a registered letter informing him that he has to get tested @ @ @ @ @ as possible .
The FBI , The CIA , and even The Ku Klux Klan @ @ @ @ @ get checked out .
Trump has repeatedly said that he is the effen president and @ @ @ @ @ want to get friggin tested then he will not get tested and that ’ s @ @ @ @ @ source said that when Melania asked him to please get tested he became furious , @ @ @ @ @ Mac , and he threw at the painting of Andrew Jackson .
He then yelled @ @ @ @ @ that if she doesn ’ t stop nagging him that he will have her deported @ @ @ @ @ WRITER ’ S NOTE : Melania is actually from Slovenia . ]

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump has been sent a registered letter informing him that he has to get tested for the Coronavirus as soon as possible.
The FBI, The CIA, and even The Ku Klux Klan are demanding that the Trumpster get checked out.
Trump has repeatedly said that he is the effen president and if he doesn’t want to get friggin tested then he will not get tested and that’s that.
A White House source said that when Melania asked him to please get tested he became furious, he picked up a Big Mac, and he threw at the painting of Andrew Jackson.
He then yelled out at the first lady that if she doesn’t stop nagging him that he will have her deported back to Portugal. [WRITER’S NOTE: Melania is actually from Slovenia.]


thespoof--2020-03-11--Introverts Everywhere Secretly Rejoice at Coronavirus Excuse to Isolate

“ Just to be on the safe side , I ’ m self-quarantining , ’ Calvin Jessup of Nashville , Tennessee , told the therapist who ’ s been treating him for anxiety and depression .
“ I know you ’ ve told me how crucial it is to develop community , but I couldn ’ t live with myself if I infected anyone else with COVID-19.
” For once , his mental health professional couldn ’ t argue – and Jessup , a self-identified introvert , realized that the widespread fear regarding coronavirus had provided him a failsafe excuse @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get sick , and even if I do , I ’ m not super-worried about recovering from what ’ s essentially a chest cold , ” he said .
“ But no one else has to know that .
And I did feel a little fatigued the other day .
Why take chances ?
” Jessup is not alone among loners secretly rejoicing at having a rock-solid reason to avoid large gatherings and keep to themselves .
Lisa Harwood of Louisville , Kentucky , told her codependent boyfriend , Mitchell Lawrence , that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at least two weeks – the germination period of COVID-19 .
“ I just got back from a plane trip , and Mitch is kind of a germophobe , '' she said .
`` Finally , I ’ ll get some time to myself.
” And David Greenwood of Billings , Montana , said that as a result of the much-publicized coronavirus , his reputation has gone from that of a quirky , possibly psychopathic hermit to that of a forward-thinking , health-conscious intellectual .
“ Flu , coronavirus , I do n't @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ If it ’ ll get people to leave me the hell alone , diagnose me – please .
”

“Just to be on the safe side, I’m self-quarantining,’ Calvin Jessup of Nashville, Tennessee, told the therapist who’s been treating him for anxiety and depression. “I know you’ve told me how crucial it is to develop community, but I couldn’t live with myself if I infected anyone else with COVID-19.”
For once, his mental health professional couldn’t argue – and Jessup, a self-identified introvert, realized that the widespread fear regarding coronavirus had provided him a failsafe excuse to isolate.
“I actually never get sick, and even if I do, I’m not super-worried about recovering from what’s essentially a chest cold,” he said. “But no one else has to know that. And I did feel a little fatigued the other day. Why take chances?”
Jessup is not alone among loners secretly rejoicing at having a rock-solid reason to avoid large gatherings and keep to themselves. Lisa Harwood of Louisville, Kentucky, told her codependent boyfriend, Mitchell Lawrence, that she needed some “space” for at least two weeks – the germination period of COVID-19. “I just got back from a plane trip, and Mitch is kind of a germophobe," she said. "Finally, I’ll get some time to myself.”
And David Greenwood of Billings, Montana, said that as a result of the much-publicized coronavirus, his reputation has gone from that of a quirky, possibly psychopathic hermit to that of a forward-thinking, health-conscious intellectual. “Flu, coronavirus, I don't give a crap," he said. “If it’ll get people to leave me the hell alone, diagnose me – please.”


thespoof--2020-03-10--Pre-Used Toilet Paper Now Being Offered On Ebay

BILLINGSGATE POST : Is the world going nuts ?
Both grocery stores and large box outlets can ’ t keep @ @ @ @ @ .
To take advantage of this phenomenon , unscrupulous entrepreneurs are gobbling up poop-stained tissue @ @ @ @ @ it on Ebay as pre-used sanitary wipes .
Worse , some of them are enticing @ @ @ @ @ ugly men ’ s butts to ramp up sales .
Evidently , the type of @ @ @ @ @ toilet paper have no recognizable standards .
Some would call them unscrupulous .
Even President @ @ @ @ @ words condemning this practice .
“ Although I find this type of marketing reprehensible , @ @ @ @ @ interfering in the workings of the free market , ” he offered .

BILLINGSGATE POST: Is the world going nuts? Both grocery stores and large box outlets can’t keep toilet paper on their shelves. To take advantage of this phenomenon, unscrupulous entrepreneurs are gobbling up poop-stained tissue, re-rolling it and reselling it on Ebay as pre-used sanitary wipes.
Worse, some of them are enticing buyers by using images of ugly men’s butts to ramp up sales. Evidently, the type of people who would resell used toilet paper have no recognizable standards. Some would call them unscrupulous.
Even President Trump could not find appropriate words condemning this practice.
“Although I find this type of marketing reprehensible, the government will abstain from interfering in the workings of the free market,” he offered.
Slim: “Laissez-faire capitalism at its best.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Let the consumer beware. God loves a victim.”


thespoof--2020-03-11--Ann Coulter Points Out That If Both Trump and Pence Are Incapacitated By The Coronavirus, We’ll Have

Ann Coulter Points Out That If Both Trump and Pence Are Incapacitated By The Coronavirus, We’ll Have President Pelosi

WASHINGTON , D.C. – One of the biggest far-right GOP mouthpieces , and a 58-year-old woman who is no fan of Trump , has made a rather startling statement .
Ann Coulter , speaking at a convention of The Retired GOP Great Grandmothers of America , suggested that , should Trump and Pence both come down with COVID-19 and be unable to perform their duties , Nancy Pelosi , who is third in line , will , by default , become President Pelosi .
Coulter opined that she does not care one iota about Trump or Pence , for that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to see Miss Nancy in the Oval Office .
Ann , who is known by both Democrats and Republicans as “ The Human Pogo Stick ” , quipped that , at least , with President “ Cupcakes ” Pelosi , we won ’ t have a predator who brags about grabbing women by their hooha .
And regarding Coulter ’ s ‘ hooha grabbing ’ statement , Pelosi recently said that Trump may get away with grabbing the hoohas of GOP women , but , if he tries it with a Democratic woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in his orange nuts , that they ’ ll both end up on top of his tonsils .
IN WORLD NEWS – Russia is denying reports that 603 people who tested positive for the Coronavirus have been sent to Siberia .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – One of the biggest far-right GOP mouthpieces, and a 58-year-old woman who is no fan of Trump, has made a rather startling statement.
Ann Coulter, speaking at a convention of The Retired GOP Great Grandmothers of America, suggested that, should Trump and Pence both come down with COVID-19 and be unable to perform their duties, Nancy Pelosi, who is third in line, will, by default, become President Pelosi.
Coulter opined that she does not care one iota about Trump or Pence, for that matter, but she does not want to see Miss Nancy in the Oval Office.
Ann, who is known by both Democrats and Republicans as “The Human Pogo Stick”, quipped that, at least, with President “Cupcakes” Pelosi, we won’t have a predator who brags about grabbing women by their hooha.
And regarding Coulter’s ‘hooha grabbing’ statement, Pelosi recently said that Trump may get away with grabbing the hoohas of GOP women, but, if he tries it with a Democratic woman, he will get kicked so hard in his orange nuts, that they’ll both end up on top of his tonsils.
IN WORLD NEWS – Russia is denying reports that 603 people who tested positive for the Coronavirus have been sent to Siberia.