thespoof--2020-02-02--President Trump Impeachment Trial Over

President Trump Impeachment Trial Over

Washington , D.C. - The impeachment trial of US president , Donald J. Trump has ended just a few minutes @ @ @ @ @ many political analysts said was `` inevitable '' : that Mr. Trump was found to @ @ @ @ @ free to go about his business of presidenting .
Trump was only the third US @ @ @ @ @ impeached , and the third to have been the subject of false impeaching .
Even @ @ @ @ @ , Democrat and Republican senators argued about the impeachability of the case , with the @ @ @ @ @ Republican counterparts of impeachfulness , whilst the Republicans retorted with their own accusations of impeachaphelia @ @ @ @ @ President Trump was then made public .
Trump was quick to get tweeting : '' @ @ @ @ @ they have no right to call the POTUS a quitter ! ''
The whole impeachment @ @ @ @ @ , very cost-effective .

Washington, D.C. - The impeachment trial of US president, Donald J. Trump has ended just a few minutes ago, with the verdict many political analysts said was "inevitable": that Mr. Trump was found to be impeachless, and was free to go about his business of presidenting.
Trump was only the third US president in history to be impeached, and the third to have been the subject of false impeaching.
Even after the trial was over, Democrat and Republican senators argued about the impeachability of the case, with the Democrats accusing many of their Republican counterparts of impeachfulness, whilst the Republicans retorted with their own accusations of impeachaphelia.
The decision to acquit President Trump was then made public.
Trump was quick to get tweeting:
"I'm free! But they have no right to call the POTUS a quitter!"
The whole impeachment process was, no doubt, very cost-effective.


thespoof--2020-02-02--Nashville Woman Proves that Prayer Works

`` I do n't tell other people what to do , but for me , prayer works , '' said Wanda Messer of Nashville , Tennessee .
`` God gets results . ''
Messer explained that her Heavenly Father has supported her through her most turbulent of times , including the past nine years that she 's been living in run-down , low-income housing with noisy , drug-dealing neighbors who fight all night long .
`` I got two hours ' sleep last night , '' she said .
`` Mercy !
But my Lord never fails me . ''
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ like to get a new apartment in a quieter , safer neighborhood , but as a security guard making minimum wage , she has n't managed to save up any money to make a move .
`` But I 'm praying , '' she said .
`` I know the Lord has a plan .
Just as long as I do n't lose my faith . ''
When one of Messer 's more skeptical colleagues expressed that she , herself , did n't put much stock in the power of prayer , Messer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ `` I do , '' she told her colleague .
`` It never fails .
I 'm living proof of that . ''

"I don't tell other people what to do, but for me, prayer works," said Wanda Messer of Nashville, Tennessee. "God gets results."
Messer explained that her Heavenly Father has supported her through her most turbulent of times, including the past nine years that she's been living in run-down, low-income housing with noisy, drug-dealing neighbors who fight all night long. "I got two hours' sleep last night," she said. "Mercy! But my Lord never fails me."
Ideally, said Messer, she'd like to get a new apartment in a quieter, safer neighborhood, but as a security guard making minimum wage, she hasn't managed to save up any money to make a move.
"But I'm praying," she said. "I know the Lord has a plan. Just as long as I don't lose my faith."
When one of Messer's more skeptical colleagues expressed that she, herself, didn't put much stock in the power of prayer, Messer only smiled and shook her head.
"I do," she told her colleague. "It never fails. I'm living proof of that."


thespoof--2020-02-03--President Trump Furious at Losing a Super Bowl Bet to Nancy Pelosi

WASHINGTON , D.C. - Reports coming out of the White House state that President Trump made a Super Bowl bet with Speaker of the House , Nancy “ Cupcakes ” Pelosi .
POTUS picked the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl and Pelosi picked the Kansas City Chiefs .
The Chiefs won 31-20 , and now Trump will have to pay Pelosi $ 3,000 .
Trump told Athena , one of the White House cooks , that Steve Mnuchin , the secretary of the treasury , had told him that the 49ers were favored to win by 37 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for The Vox Populi News Agency that Trump is going to take the $ 3,000 out of Mnuchin ’ s next payroll check .
Athena told Ichabod Fernandez with Vox Populi that the president was furious , and he yelled , “ I swear I should have fired Steve 'The Turdhead ' Mnuchin last year when he told me that he had had dinner with CNN ’ s Don “ Rainbow ” Lemon.
” Athena asked POTUS if Melania knew that he lost $ 3,000 to Pelosi , “ Oh , hell , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Melania once told me that , if she ever caught me betting our hard-earned money on sporting events , she would pack up and go back to Slovenia , formerly Yugoslavia.
” Athena smiled and said , “ Hmmmmm , that ’ s interesting , Sir .
Oh , and Mr. President , I have been meaning to ask you .
I want a $ 3-an-hour raise .
And I want it to be retro-active to December 1 , of last year , okay ?
And thank you so much , Mr .
@ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Reports coming out of the White House state that President Trump made a Super Bowl bet with Speaker of the House, Nancy “Cupcakes” Pelosi.
POTUS picked the San Francisco 49ers to win the Super Bowl and Pelosi picked the Kansas City Chiefs. The Chiefs won 31-20, and now Trump will have to pay Pelosi $3,000.
Trump told Athena, one of the White House cooks, that Steve Mnuchin, the secretary of the treasury, had told him that the 49ers were favored to win by 37 points.
The cook informed a writer for The Vox Populi News Agency that Trump is going to take the $3,000 out of Mnuchin’s next payroll check.
Athena told Ichabod Fernandez with Vox Populi that the president was furious, and he yelled, “I swear I should have fired Steve 'The Turdhead' Mnuchin last year when he told me that he had had dinner with CNN’s Don “Rainbow” Lemon.”
Athena asked POTUS if Melania knew that he lost $3,000 to Pelosi, “Oh, hell, no!” he stated, “Melania once told me that, if she ever caught me betting our hard-earned money on sporting events, she would pack up and go back to Slovenia, formerly Yugoslavia.”
Athena smiled and said, “Hmmmmm, that’s interesting, Sir. Oh, and Mr. President, I have been meaning to ask you. I want a $3-an-hour raise. And I want it to be retro-active to December 1, of last year, okay? And thank you so much, Mr. President."
(IN CLOSING – Athena mentioned to the man that she calls “Melania’s Bully Boy” behind his back, that she will not tell a soul about his little bitty acorn pecker.)


thespoof--2020-02-02--Super Bowl to be played in empty stadium due to virus

Miami , FL - Authorities in Miami will allow the Super Bowl to be played after all , according to @ @ @ @ @ , fans will have to watch on Cable .
No fans will be allowed within @ @ @ @ @ .
Players will be dressed in full respirators , and doctors will monitor the players @ @ @ @ @ saliva test kits .
The special pressurized suits should also cut down on injuries , @ @ @ @ @ it will be like balloons hitting , according to the Miami team doctor .
Players @ @ @ @ @ bleach between plays .
They will snack on AZT and aspartame prior to , and @ @ @ @ @ AZT is an AIDS medicine used to treat the virus .
The Miami team doctor @ @ @ @ @ during the game , in which case the event might be remembered as the Super @ @

Miami, FL - Authorities in Miami will allow the Super Bowl to be played after all, according to the Miami Mayor. However, fans will have to watch on Cable. No fans will be allowed within five miles of the stadium.
Players will be dressed in full respirators, and doctors will monitor the players for the Coronavirus using expensive saliva test kits.
The special pressurized suits should also cut down on injuries, since when players collide, it will be like balloons hitting, according to the Miami team doctor.
Players will be hosed off with bleach between plays. They will snack on AZT and aspartame prior to, and at, game halftime. AZT is an AIDS medicine used to treat the virus.
The Miami team doctor is afraid of diarrhea striking during the game, in which case the event might be remembered as the Super Bowel.


thespoof--2020-02-01--John Bolton Reveals That President Trump Wanted To Buy Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump ’ s former security advisor , John Bolton , has made a startling revelation about the Liar-In-Chief , as Bolton and so many other White House staff members refer to the acting president ( behind his back , of course ) .
Bolton spoke with Consolidated News Magazine ’ s Tweedie Funkweiser at a local Mexican restaurant , The Enchanted Enchilada .
He told her that , one night after POTUS had downed 7 Big Macs , he called him into his bedroom .
The former national security advisor said that the president informed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was going to have the American taxpayers buy the countries of Guatemala , El Salvador , and Honduras .
Bolton almost swallowed his weird-as-hell-looking white mustache .
“ What the hell did you just say , Donnie ?
” he asked .
Trump told him that it was a brilliantly-perfect idea .
He went on to say that , if he bought those three countries where 91.6 % of all illegal aliens come from , it would put a stop to 91.6 % of the illegal alien problem .
“ But with all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bolton asked , “ just exactly how in the friggin ’ , frackin ' , effed-up world do you figure that ?
” Trump remarked , “ You know Bolty , if your IQ was half as much as my brilliantly-perfect IQ , you would be able to figure it out .
Your president commands you to stop acting like a dumbass loser.
” POTUS then added , “ I ’ ll buy those three countries , and then I will send 74,000 U.S. marines to make sure that not one of those @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Wow !
Sir , that is one hell of a brilliant idea ! ''
Bolton stated .
`` You are , without a doubt , the most intelligent man or woman that I have ever known.
” The president took a bite out of his KFC chicken wing , grinned and replied , “ You freakin ’ bozo , that is exactly why the American people elected me president by more than 27.2 million votes .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump’s former security advisor, John Bolton, has made a startling revelation about the Liar-In-Chief, as Bolton and so many other White House staff members refer to the acting president (behind his back, of course).
Bolton spoke with Consolidated News Magazine’s Tweedie Funkweiser at a local Mexican restaurant, The Enchanted Enchilada. He told her that, one night after POTUS had downed 7 Big Macs, he called him into his bedroom.
The former national security advisor said that the president informed him that he had decided that he was going to have the American taxpayers buy the countries of Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras.
Bolton almost swallowed his weird-as-hell-looking white mustache. “What the hell did you just say, Donnie?” he asked. Trump told him that it was a brilliantly-perfect idea. He went on to say that, if he bought those three countries where 91.6 % of all illegal aliens come from, it would put a stop to 91.6% of the illegal alien problem.
“But with all due respect, Mr. President," Bolton asked, “just exactly how in the friggin’, frackin', effed-up world do you figure that?”
Trump remarked, “You know Bolty, if your IQ was half as much as my brilliantly-perfect IQ, you would be able to figure it out. Your president commands you to stop acting like a dumbass loser.”
POTUS then added, “I’ll buy those three countries, and then I will send 74,000 U.S. marines to make sure that not one of those illegalites gets out of those poor-as-hell countries.”
“Wow! Sir, that is one hell of a brilliant idea!" Bolton stated. "You are, without a doubt, the most intelligent man or woman that I have ever known.”
The president took a bite out of his KFC chicken wing, grinned and replied, “You freakin’ bozo, that is exactly why the American people elected me president by more than 27.2 million votes.”


thespoof--2020-02-01--Ann Coulter Admits That Donald Trump Calls Her At Least Twice a Day

NEW YORK CITY – GOP media pundit , Ann Coulter , 58 , recently told CNN ’ s Don Lemon that President Trump has become obsessed with her .
Coulter who stands 6 foot 6 inches tall , and reportedly weighs 117 pounds , pointed out that the president calls her two times a day .
She says that , at first , she felt flattered and honored , but then she remembered that she can ’ t stand the man that she secretly refers to as “ Old Orange Leather Face '' .
Ann , who Democrats refer to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ due to her very pronounced Palomino face , has made it clear that she is not at all physically or sexually attracted to Melania ’ s husband .
When Lemon asked her if she had ever dated lying Donnie , she turned red , and replied , “ Oh , hell , no !
I mean , if I was stranded on an deserted island with Donnie and , say , Mitch “ The Moscow Turtle ” McConnell , and I had to have sex with only one , I would have to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stuck her finger in her mouth , and added , `` But , I would definitely have to shield my eyes with a humongous palm tree leaf , but it beats having to look at the blubbery Moby Dick-like body of “ Comrade Orange Belly.
” ( IN CLOSING – The University of Idaho A & M has just voted Fox News “ The Fives ” Greg Gutfeld as “ The Most Obnoxious , Arrogant , Sarcastic , Punk ” on television .
His co-host Jesse “ Egg Plant Face ” Watters came @ @ @ @ @ @

NEW YORK CITY – GOP media pundit, Ann Coulter, 58, recently told CNN’s Don Lemon that President Trump has become obsessed with her.
Coulter who stands 6 foot 6 inches tall, and reportedly weighs 117 pounds, pointed out that the president calls her two times a day. She says that, at first, she felt flattered and honored, but then she remembered that she can’t stand the man that she secretly refers to as “Old Orange Leather Face".
Ann, who Democrats refer to as Ann “Giddy Up” Coulter due to her very pronounced Palomino face, has made it clear that she is not at all physically or sexually attracted to Melania’s husband.
When Lemon asked her if she had ever dated lying Donnie, she turned red, and replied, “Oh, hell, no! I mean, if I was stranded on an deserted island with Donnie and, say, Mitch “The Moscow Turtle” McConnell, and I had to have sex with only one, I would have to choose Mitch the bitch."
She stuck her finger in her mouth, and added, "But, I would definitely have to shield my eyes with a humongous palm tree leaf, but it beats having to look at the blubbery Moby Dick-like body of “Comrade Orange Belly.”
(IN CLOSING – The University of Idaho A&M has just voted Fox News “The Fives” Greg Gutfeld as “The Most Obnoxious, Arrogant, Sarcastic, Punk” on television. His co-host Jesse “Egg Plant Face” Watters came in a very close second.


thespoof--2020-02-01--President Sprouts Horns and a Tail During Live TV Broadcast

In a scene that left viewers stunned , the president , while signing into a law his new executive order @ @ @ @ @ began to spasm and cough violently .
His faced turned beet red .
He bent @ @ @ @ @ appeared to be a fit of pain .
With his face on the desk , @ @ @ @ @ was facing the camera .
The pink sweaty withered flesh of his aged scalp was @ @ @ @ @ but wildly flowing long yellow hairs .
What , at first , seemed to be @ @ @ @ @ trembled violently , grew into two gnarly and crooked , pitted horns .
When he @ @ @ @ @ sneered at the cameras with long sharp wolves ' teeth .
He jumped on the @ @ @ @ @ 's tail , protruding from the bottom of his pant leg .
The leader of @ @ @ @ @ `` With the signing of this new law , 5- and 6-year-olds will once again @ @ @ @ @ the coal mines .
Trump is the best president for jobs ever ! ''

In a scene that left viewers stunned, the president, while signing into a law his new executive order regarding age of employment, began to spasm and cough violently. His faced turned beet red. He bent over in what at first appeared to be a fit of pain.
With his face on the desk, the top of his head was facing the camera. The pink sweaty withered flesh of his aged scalp was clearly visible through the scarce but wildly flowing long yellow hairs.
What, at first, seemed to be boils, as his body trembled violently, grew into two gnarly and crooked, pitted horns.
When he rose suddenly, his face sneered at the cameras with long sharp wolves' teeth. He jumped on the table revealing an honest-to-goodness devil's tail, protruding from the bottom of his pant leg.
The leader of the free world stated, "With the signing of this new law, 5- and 6-year-olds will once again be able to work in the coal mines. Trump is the best president for jobs ever!"


thespoof--2020-01-31--Seventy-Three Gunshots Ring Out At Trump’s Mar-a-Lago Estate

PALM BEACH , Florida – A spokesperson for The Palm Beach Sheriff ’ s Department said that gunshots rang out at The Southern White House .
Lt. Huckleberry “ Bubba ” Porkinski , 52 , said that there were a total of 73 shots that were fired in the vicinity of the president ’ s mansion and club .
He added that the shooter was caught , and he has been identified as one Earl Bruce Hollandbeck , 47 .
Hollandbeck , whose nickname is “ Twinkie ” , is allegedly linked to the Knights of The Magnolia Bouquet , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be a gay spin-off chapter of the Mississippi Ku Klux Klan .
Lt. Porkinski said that he personally knows “ Twinkie ” , and commented that he does not think that he is actually a member of that White extremist group .
He remarked , “ Look “ Twinkie ” can ’ t be the shooter .
One , I happen to know that he loves Donald Trump like a boyfriend , and two , he doesn ’ t even own a gun , although he has been known to carry a whip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the shooting incident , he remarked , “ It ’ s those Democrats who are behind this , it ’ s a witch hunt and I ’ m blaming Nancy “ Cupcakes ” Pelosi , Adam “ The Pit Bull ” Schiff , and Bambino “ Butterball ” Birkenheimer . ''
A visibly shaken Melania Trump reportedly told her pedicurist , Mr. Mimosa , that she wants to move back to Manhattan because whenever she hears gunshots she breaks out in a horrible pubic rash .
IN CLOSING – One of The Mar-a-Lago @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he will be signing an executive order to have “ Twinkie ” Hollandbeck deported back to Iceland .

PALM BEACH, Florida – A spokesperson for The Palm Beach Sheriff’s Department said that gunshots rang out at The Southern White House.
Lt. Huckleberry “Bubba” Porkinski, 52, said that there were a total of 73 shots that were fired in the vicinity of the president’s mansion and club. He added that the shooter was caught, and he has been identified as one Earl Bruce Hollandbeck, 47.
Hollandbeck, whose nickname is “Twinkie”, is allegedly linked to the Knights of The Magnolia Bouquet, which is, reportedly, believed to be a gay spin-off chapter of the Mississippi Ku Klux Klan.
Lt. Porkinski said that he personally knows “Twinkie”, and commented that he does not think that he is actually a member of that White extremist group. He remarked, “Look “Twinkie” can’t be the shooter. One, I happen to know that he loves Donald Trump like a boyfriend, and two, he doesn’t even own a gun, although he has been known to carry a whip."
When Trump was told about the shooting incident, he remarked, “It’s those Democrats who are behind this, it’s a witch hunt and I’m blaming Nancy “Cupcakes” Pelosi, Adam “The Pit Bull” Schiff, and Bambino “Butterball” Birkenheimer."
A visibly shaken Melania Trump reportedly told her pedicurist, Mr. Mimosa, that she wants to move back to Manhattan because whenever she hears gunshots she breaks out in a horrible pubic rash.
IN CLOSING – One of The Mar-a-Lago maids said that she overheard Trump say that he will be signing an executive order to have “Twinkie” Hollandbeck deported back to Iceland.


thespoof--2020-02-01--Codependent Truckers Bring Self-Awareness to Country Music

Nashville-based country music trio , Codependent Truckers , are getting rave reviews , not only for their gut-wrenching songs of love and loss , but also for bringing a new level of self-awareness to country music .
`` Classic country has always been rife with addiction , abusive relationships , and compulsive going-back-for-more , '' said Codependent Truckers lead singer and guitarist , Jesse Lee .
`` So we 're not doing anything new by injecting codependency into the equation .
The difference is , we own it . ''
Lee explained that for him and his fellow band members @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who originally met in an unidentified twelve-step support group , explicitly and publicly acknowledging their most shameful character defect has been instrumental in their healing from codependency .
`` It 's empowering , '' said Lee .
And their music shows it .
Country music fans have been riveted by the Codependent Truckers ' ballads of adult men who obsessively drive by their exes ' houses , pine away in longing for emotionally unavailable women , and try without success to get their selfish , narcissistic girlfriends to stop drinking , drugging , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lee noted that while most of the band 's tunes are autobiographical in nature , they hold a universal appeal .
`` It 's stuff that pretty much everyone can relate to , '' he said .
Still , despite across-the-board adulation from fans , the band has garnered criticism from some mental health professionals , who worry that the Codependent Truckers may be glamorizing codependency .
`` As with the 'heroin chic ' craze , we fear that the band 's music may lure otherwise stable people into experimenting with unhealthy relationship @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Dr. Amanda Wilder .
`` Codependency is no joke .
And neither should it be used as a marketing hook or brand . ''
Nevertheless , Lee and his bandmates stand by their commitment to making unabashedly honest music , in the hopes that their brutal portrayal of codependency in action will help others struggling with similar issues .
Lee additionally expressed the hope that his courageous vulnerability will finally thaw the ice-cold heart of his ex-girlfriend , Lucinda , whom he 's never stopped loving .
Want to musically experience the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You can find the Codependent Truckers ' latest releases , `` I 'm No One without You '' , `` I 'll Keep Hating Myself Until You Love Me '' , and `` Please , Make It Worse '' on Spotify , YouTube , and all the usual online places .
And do n't worry too much about becoming emotionally enmeshed .
If , like millions of others , you find yourself becoming a little overly dependent on these codependent crooners , would that really be such a bad thing ?

Nashville-based country music trio, Codependent Truckers, are getting rave reviews, not only for their gut-wrenching songs of love and loss, but also for bringing a new level of self-awareness to country music.
"Classic country has always been rife with addiction, abusive relationships, and compulsive going-back-for-more," said Codependent Truckers lead singer and guitarist, Jesse Lee. "So we're not doing anything new by injecting codependency into the equation. The difference is, we own it."
Lee explained that for him and his fellow band members, Bryan Chambers and Justin Gentry, who originally met in an unidentified twelve-step support group, explicitly and publicly acknowledging their most shameful character defect has been instrumental in their healing from codependency. "It's empowering," said Lee.
And their music shows it. Country music fans have been riveted by the Codependent Truckers' ballads of adult men who obsessively drive by their exes' houses, pine away in longing for emotionally unavailable women, and try without success to get their selfish, narcissistic girlfriends to stop drinking, drugging, cheating, and stealing their money.
Lee noted that while most of the band's tunes are autobiographical in nature, they hold a universal appeal. "It's stuff that pretty much everyone can relate to," he said.
Still, despite across-the-board adulation from fans, the band has garnered criticism from some mental health professionals, who worry that the Codependent Truckers may be glamorizing codependency. "As with the 'heroin chic' craze, we fear that the band's music may lure otherwise stable people into experimenting with unhealthy relationship dynamics," said love addiction specialist, Dr. Amanda Wilder. "Codependency is no joke. And neither should it be used as a marketing hook or brand."
Nevertheless, Lee and his bandmates stand by their commitment to making unabashedly honest music, in the hopes that their brutal portrayal of codependency in action will help others struggling with similar issues. Lee additionally expressed the hope that his courageous vulnerability will finally thaw the ice-cold heart of his ex-girlfriend, Lucinda, whom he's never stopped loving.
Want to musically experience the irresistible allure of codependency for yourself? You can find the Codependent Truckers' latest releases, "I'm No One without You", "I'll Keep Hating Myself Until You Love Me", and "Please, Make It Worse" on Spotify, YouTube, and all the usual online places.
And don't worry too much about becoming emotionally enmeshed. If, like millions of others, you find yourself becoming a little overly dependent on these codependent crooners, would that really be such a bad thing?


thespoof--2020-02-01--Donald Trump Says That Melania Has Not Had Breast Implants

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump recently met with Kitty Sequoia , a reporter with the iNews Agency at a local McDonalds .
Trump stated that he wanted to clear up a story that had appeared in the latest issue of Consolidated News Magazine .
POTUS told Miss Sequoia that his wife ( the 3rd of 3 ) had really become upset when she read the article claiming that she ’ d had breast implants over the New Year ’ s holiday .
Trump stated , “ Look Kitty , everyone knows that my sweet Melly ’ s knockerinos are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I never lie , and I will promise you that those gorgeous babies are totally and perfectly the real deal.
” Trump went on to say that he is planning on talking to Vice-President Pence about having the owner of the news agency arrested and sent down to Laredo , Texas .
Sequoia asked , “ To have him deported ?
” and Trump replied , “ Hell , no I am going to have that frackin ’ loser put to work helping to build my big , long , tall beautiful wall @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Donald Trump Big , Long , Tall Beautiful Wall.
” Miss Sequoia smiled and said , `` Oh Mr. President , you are really such a sweet , handsome , likable individual . ''
Trump gave her two up and down looksees and winked saying , `` Sweetie , the wall is n't the only thing that is big and long . ''
IN CLOSING – Mrs. Mike Pence recently told Fox News host Sean “ The Hairdo ” Hannity that her husband , ( Vice-President Pence ) is so shy that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump recently met with Kitty Sequoia, a reporter with the iNews Agency at a local McDonalds. Trump stated that he wanted to clear up a story that had appeared in the latest issue of Consolidated News Magazine.
POTUS told Miss Sequoia that his wife (the 3rd of 3) had really become upset when she read the article claiming that she’d had breast implants over the New Year’s holiday. Trump stated, “Look Kitty, everyone knows that my sweet Melly’s knockerinos are 100% real. Believe me, I never lie, and I will promise you that those gorgeous babies are totally and perfectly the real deal.”
Trump went on to say that he is planning on talking to Vice-President Pence about having the owner of the news agency arrested and sent down to Laredo, Texas. Sequoia asked, “To have him deported?” and Trump replied, “Hell, no I am going to have that frackin’ loser put to work helping to build my big, long, tall beautiful wall, which I will be naming, The Donald Trump Big, Long, Tall Beautiful Wall.”
Miss Sequoia smiled and said, "Oh Mr. President, you are really such a sweet, handsome, likable individual." Trump gave her two up and down looksees and winked saying, "Sweetie, the wall isn't the only thing that is big and long."
IN CLOSING – Mrs. Mike Pence recently told Fox News host Sean “The Hairdo” Hannity that her husband, (Vice-President Pence) is so shy that he always showers with his clothes on.


thespoof--2020-01-31--Nashville Man Makes Good Start on Sobriety

Determined to kick his debilitating drug and alcohol habit , Travis Jones of Nashville , Tennessee , made an excellent start on sobriety by limiting his periods of intoxication to approximately 50 percent of his waking hours .
`` Not too shabby , '' said Jones , clearly pleased with his nearly .500 batting average at sobriety .
`` If I were a baseball player , I 'd be breaking records . ''
Jones went on to explain that , as someone who grew up with a rageful , alcoholic father , he values his own four-to-six hours per day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 've seen what addiction can do if you let it get out of hand , '' he said .
`` Right now , I 'm at about forty-seven percent , but I 'm aiming to be sober the majority of the time I 'm awake .
And I 'm making good headway in that direction . ''
Jones acknowledged that he has upped his sleep , so as to minimize his total number of waking hours .
`` Some people might call that cheating or working the system , but I feel okay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ `` With recovery , you have to be willing to do whatever it takes .
As they say in AA , half-measures avail us nothing . ''
That being said , Jones himself no longer attends Alcoholics Anonymous , where he said several members criticized his `` half-time '' sobriety .
Despite the pushback from some more rigid folks , Jones reports that his approach to recovery is working like a charm for him .
`` The bottom line is , it 's my sobriety , and no one 's going to tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ because it 's not all the time .
I 'm over that sort of black-and-white thinking . ''
He added , `` There are always going to be haters .
But , at the end of the day , everyone has to decide for himself whether he 's going to look at the glass as half-empty or half-full .
Me , I choose half-full . ''

Determined to kick his debilitating drug and alcohol habit, Travis Jones of Nashville, Tennessee, made an excellent start on sobriety by limiting his periods of intoxication to approximately 50 percent of his waking hours.
"Not too shabby," said Jones, clearly pleased with his nearly .500 batting average at sobriety. "If I were a baseball player, I'd be breaking records."
Jones went on to explain that, as someone who grew up with a rageful, alcoholic father, he values his own four-to-six hours per day of sobriety beyond measure. "I've seen what addiction can do if you let it get out of hand," he said. "Right now, I'm at about forty-seven percent, but I'm aiming to be sober the majority of the time I'm awake. And I'm making good headway in that direction."
Jones acknowledged that he has upped his sleep, so as to minimize his total number of waking hours. "Some people might call that cheating or working the system, but I feel okay about it," he said. "With recovery, you have to be willing to do whatever it takes. As they say in AA, half-measures avail us nothing."
That being said, Jones himself no longer attends Alcoholics Anonymous, where he said several members criticized his "half-time" sobriety.
Despite the pushback from some more rigid folks, Jones reports that his approach to recovery is working like a charm for him. "The bottom line is, it's my sobriety, and no one's going to tell me it's not good enough just because it's not all the time. I'm over that sort of black-and-white thinking."
He added, "There are always going to be haters. But, at the end of the day, everyone has to decide for himself whether he's going to look at the glass as half-empty or half-full. Me, I choose half-full."


thespoof--2020-01-28--Donald Trump Diagnosed With Coronavirus

Donald Trump Diagnosed With Coronavirus

The White House is on a full-scale alert this morning after medical staff were called to attend to President Donald Trump last night , when the US leader experienced a 20-minute coughing fit .
He was given a full medical check-up , and found to be suffering from the Coronavirus .
Since entering Mr Trump 's body , the virus has quickly mutated into something that scientists are finding it hard to keep track of .
It 's almost as if it is in a state of perpetual mutation .
Around 8pm last night , Mr Trump told an aide @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and was seen to be rather red-faced .
He also said he had a sore throat and a headache .
At this stage , it was thought he was probably suffering from a mild case of Winter 'Flu .
Later , however , Trump could be heard coughing repeatedly , and relentlessly .
When this went on for more than 15 minutes , staff asked him if he needed any help .
It was then he told them he was having some trouble catching his breath , and a doctor was called .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ 10 minutes , and Trump given a thorough inspection .
At 10pm , it was decided that the President had , somehow , managed to contract the Coronavirus , and he was put in isolation .
And that 's where he should be kept .

The White House is on a full-scale alert this morning after medical staff were called to attend to President Donald Trump last night, when the US leader experienced a 20-minute coughing fit.
He was given a full medical check-up, and found to be suffering from the Coronavirus.
Since entering Mr Trump's body, the virus has quickly mutated into something that scientists are finding it hard to keep track of. It's almost as if it is in a state of perpetual mutation.
Around 8pm last night, Mr Trump told an aide he was feeling a little feverish, and was seen to be rather red-faced. He also said he had a sore throat and a headache. At this stage, it was thought he was probably suffering from a mild case of Winter 'Flu.
Later, however, Trump could be heard coughing repeatedly, and relentlessly. When this went on for more than 15 minutes, staff asked him if he needed any help. It was then he told them he was having some trouble catching his breath, and a doctor was called.
The doctor was on the scene in 10 minutes, and Trump given a thorough inspection.
At 10pm, it was decided that the President had, somehow, managed to contract the Coronavirus, and he was put in isolation.
And that's where he should be kept.


thespoof--2020-02-02--Melania Trump Tells A Close Friend That She Is Sick of Hearing The Words Witch Hunt

WASHINGTON D.C. - A close friend of the first lady , Melania Trump , informed a reporter with Ipso Facto @ @ @ @ @ been feeling quite depressed of late .
The unnamed woman , who we 'll call @ @ @ @ @ she has known Melania ever since they met at a benefit for the underprivileged children @ @ @ @ @ members , back in September 2017 .
Miss Sankamino told reporter Sigmund Cottonseed that Mrs. @ @ @ @ @ of hearing her husband mention the phrase 'witch hunt ' , which POTUS does an @ @ @ @ @ day .
She added that , one day , Donald Johnny even uttered the phrase @ @ @ @ @ in bed doing the whoop-de-do .
Cottonseed noted that Miss Sankamino is a Democrat , @ @ @ @ @ has lied to the president and told him that Tangerine is the proud owner of @ @ @ @ @ a pair of MAGA Daisy Duke short shorts , and an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle @ @ @ @ @ Lindsey Graham is denying the rumor that his favorite color is pink .

WASHINGTON D.C. - A close friend of the first lady, Melania Trump, informed a reporter with Ipso Facto Illustrated Magazine that Melania has been feeling quite depressed of late.
The unnamed woman, who we'll call Tangerine Sankamino, said that she has known Melania ever since they met at a benefit for the underprivileged children of the White House staff members, back in September 2017.
Miss Sankamino told reporter Sigmund Cottonseed that Mrs. Trump is sick and tired of hearing her husband mention the phrase 'witch hunt', which POTUS does an average of 13 times a day. She added that, one day, Donald Johnny even uttered the phrase when he and Melania were in bed doing the whoop-de-do.
Cottonseed noted that Miss Sankamino is a Democrat, but that the first lady has lied to the president and told him that Tangerine is the proud owner of 3 red MAGA hats, a pair of MAGA Daisy Duke short shorts, and an AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifle.
IN CLOSING - Senator Lindsey Graham is denying the rumor that his favorite color is pink.


thespoof--2020-01-31--President Trump Says He Loves The Phone Call He Got From Mexico's President

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Donald Trump met with Kitty Sequoia , 29 , with the iNews Agency in the White House 's Hilary Clinton Commemorative Dining Room .
He informed her that US-Mexico relations have never been better .
The president said that he had received a very nice phone call from the Mexican president .
“ Yes , old Panchito ( Villa ) told me that he is so happy that I hardly ever insult him anymore.
” The president went on to say , “ I told him that it was because I 'm way too busy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Pelosi , Charles “ Chucky Wucky ” Schumer , Jerry “ The Little Dude ” Nadler , and Chrissy “ Thunder Thighs ” Teigen.
” Trump said that Villa told him that he was going to FedEx him a case of Como Se Llama Cerveza ( beer ) and a box of Diet Fighting Bull Tamales .
“ Now , I don ’ t drink , ” POTUS commented , “ But I ’ ll give the beer to my personal chauffeur Wolfgang Pettifinster .
Now , that son-of-a-bitch can drink a heck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and I ain ’ t lying.
” Trump said that he would be keeping the Fighting Bull Tamales for himself because they only have .37 calories per tamale , and they are very high in potassium , which helps to keep , as he said , his fantastic perfect-looking hair as gorgeous and as sexy as it does .
IN CLOSING – Trump said that President Villa promised him that he would be mailing him a check on Wednesday for $ 913.50 to go towards the payment of the wall .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Trump met with Kitty Sequoia, 29, with the iNews Agency in the White House's Hilary Clinton Commemorative Dining Room. He informed her that US-Mexico relations have never been better.
The president said that he had received a very nice phone call from the Mexican president. “Yes, old Panchito (Villa) told me that he is so happy that I hardly ever insult him anymore.” The president went on to say, “I told him that it was because I'm way too busy insulting losers like Nancy “Cupcakes" Pelosi, Charles “Chucky Wucky” Schumer, Jerry “The Little Dude” Nadler, and Chrissy “Thunder Thighs” Teigen.”
Trump said that Villa told him that he was going to FedEx him a case of Como Se Llama Cerveza (beer) and a box of Diet Fighting Bull Tamales. “Now, I don’t drink,” POTUS commented, “But I’ll give the beer to my personal chauffeur Wolfgang Pettifinster. Now, that son-of-a-bitch can drink a heck of a lot of friggin' beer, and I ain’t lying.”
Trump said that he would be keeping the Fighting Bull Tamales for himself because they only have .37 calories per tamale, and they are very high in potassium, which helps to keep, as he said, his fantastic perfect-looking hair as gorgeous and as sexy as it does.
IN CLOSING – Trump said that President Villa promised him that he would be mailing him a check on Wednesday for $913.50 to go towards the payment of the wall.


thespoof--2020-02-03--A Huge Majority of California Voters Say Trump Is The Biggest Liar In The History of The World

RANCHO CUCAMONGA , California - The Monumental Polling Council , which is based in Rancho Cucamonga , recently conducted a poll of all of the registered voters in the entire state and the results were quite eye-opening .
The results showed , without a shadow of a doubt , that Californians just do not believe a single word that comes out of Donald J Trump ’ s orange lying mouth .
The MPC poll showed that 96.9 % of all registered voters say that the man in the White House just flat-out lies and lies , and then lies some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Rhett Loinquist , 37 , said that he hates “ Emperor Fat Rump ” more than he hates jock itch .
He asked , “ just how in the friggin ’ world does 'Old Baby Fingers '' fan base not see that this fake president is one big , massive orange ball of lies ?
” Magnolia Washington-Jefferson , 24 , of Sausalito noted , “ Hell iffin dat ugly-haired , wrinkled old codger wuz Pinocchio den his nose it dun be stretchin ’ all da ways from Washington D.C. tuh Winnemucca @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be doin ’ dat fa damn sho , ah ha .
”

RANCHO CUCAMONGA, California - The Monumental Polling Council, which is based in Rancho Cucamonga, recently conducted a poll of all of the registered voters in the entire state and the results were quite eye-opening.
The results showed, without a shadow of a doubt, that Californians just do not believe a single word that comes out of Donald J Trump’s orange lying mouth.
The MPC poll showed that 96.9% of all registered voters say that the man in the White House just flat-out lies and lies, and then lies some more.
A resident of La Brea, Rhett Loinquist, 37, said that he hates “Emperor Fat Rump” more than he hates jock itch. He asked, “just how in the friggin’ world does 'Old Baby Fingers'' fan base not see that this fake president is one big, massive orange ball of lies?”
Magnolia Washington-Jefferson, 24, of Sausalito noted, “Hell iffin dat ugly-haired, wrinkled old codger wuz Pinocchio den his nose it dun be stretchin’ all da ways from Washington D.C. tuh Winnemucca, Nevada, yes it sho nuff be doin’ dat fa damn sho, ah ha.”
(IN CLOSING – Tomi “The Evil Barbie” Lahren of Fox News cried to Sean “The Hairdo” Hannity that each day she gets an average of 419 horribly nasty threats. The arrogantly sarcastic GOPunkette pointed out that 341 of the threats are from Democrats and 78 are from Republicans.)


thespoof--2020-02-03--Nashville Man Overcomes Workaholism

Nashville Man Overcomes Workaholism

Through not a lot of hard work and perseverance , Joey Collins of Nashville , Tennessee , successfully managed to overcome his inherited tendency toward workaholism .
`` My dad was a workaholic , so I learned to identify the signs , '' he said .
`` Like always having the latest electronics and never having to worry about having a roof over your head . ''
Collins noted that his father 's overly-stringent rigid work ethic of spending five days a week , and even the occasional evening , at the office , wreaked havoc on their upper middle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we wanted to talk about our emotions , '' he said .
Given his family history , Collins kept a careful eye out for early warning signs of workaholism in his own life .
`` For a while , I really made it a priority not to push myself too hard at the gym , '' he said .
`` Then I realized , what the heck am I even doing in a gym ? ''
According to Collins , his lackadaisical efforts at avoiding becoming a workaholic have paid off - in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ once called me emotionally unavailable , '' he said .
`` Because when you do n't have a full-time - or even part-time - job , you 're pretty much always available .
I feel good about that . ''
Unfortunately , Collins says that his father 's workaholism shows no sign of abating even at the age of 72 .
`` He 's still working around the clock , '' said Collins .
`` He said it 's to support me and my brother , but I do n't buy that for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ excuses for addiction .
I 'm not going to accept blame for something that 's his issue . ''
Still , despite his healthy detachment from his father , Collins ca n't help but be concerned for his aging dad .
`` Like any addiction , workaholism is a progressive disease .
It 's tough to see , '' he said .
`` All I can do is try to break the family cycle . ''

Through not a lot of hard work and perseverance, Joey Collins of Nashville, Tennessee, successfully managed to overcome his inherited tendency toward workaholism.
"My dad was a workaholic, so I learned to identify the signs," he said. "Like always having the latest electronics and never having to worry about having a roof over your head."
Collins noted that his father's overly-stringent rigid work ethic of spending five days a week, and even the occasional evening, at the office, wreaked havoc on their upper middle class white family. "Especially when we wanted to talk about our emotions," he said.
Given his family history, Collins kept a careful eye out for early warning signs of workaholism in his own life. "For a while, I really made it a priority not to push myself too hard at the gym," he said. "Then I realized, what the heck am I even doing in a gym?"
He shook his head.."it's a slippery slope, man."
According to Collins, his lackadaisical efforts at avoiding becoming a workaholic have paid off - in spades. "No one has ever once called me emotionally unavailable," he said. "Because when you don't have a full-time - or even part-time - job, you're pretty much always available. I feel good about that."
Unfortunately, Collins says that his father's workaholism shows no sign of abating even at the age of 72. "He's still working around the clock," said Collins. "He said it's to support me and my brother, but I don't buy that for a second. People are always finding excuses for addiction. I'm not going to accept blame for something that's his issue."
Still, despite his healthy detachment from his father, Collins can't help but be concerned for his aging dad. "Like any addiction, workaholism is a progressive disease. It's tough to see," he said. "All I can do is try to break the family cycle."


thespoof--2020-02-04--Will President Trump Give The Clap Back To Nancy During State of Union

BILLINGSGATE POST : President Trump is not looking forward to giving his State of the Union speech this year .
Last year , Speaker , Nancy Pelosi , gave him the clap during the speech .
Reportedly , his doctor has warned him to use protection when he gives his speech tomorrow night .
But that may be difficult , as she sits directly behind him , and he has no way of knowing when she will jump his bones like she did last year .
Although he has been given a clean bill of health from his private physician @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a betting proposition that he will return the favor sometime during his address to the Nation .
Setting the Over/Under at 45 minutes , you can make a wager that the President will give Nancy the clap back to her either before or after the 45-minute mark in his speech .
With Ms. Nancy being 79 years old and President Trump 73 , this may not be pretty .
It is advisable that children be put to bed early tomorrow evening .
Slim : “ During the Vietnam war , they called the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Yo , Dude .
I like the sound of that .
Not as much guilt for same amount of fun .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: President Trump is not looking forward to giving his State of the Union speech this year. Last year, Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, gave him the clap during the speech. Reportedly, his doctor has warned him to use protection when he gives his speech tomorrow night. But that may be difficult, as she sits directly behind him, and he has no way of knowing when she will jump his bones like she did last year.
Although he has been given a clean bill of health from his private physician, Las Vegas oddsmakers have made it a betting proposition that he will return the favor sometime during his address to the Nation. Setting the Over/Under at 45 minutes, you can make a wager that the President will give Nancy the clap back to her either before or after the 45-minute mark in his speech.
With Ms. Nancy being 79 years old and President Trump 73, this may not be pretty. It is advisable that children be put to bed early tomorrow evening.
Slim: “During the Vietnam war, they called the clap, non-specific urethritis.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I like the sound of that. Not as much guilt for same amount of fun.”


thespoof--2020-02-04--Serbians Hacked Iowa Vote, Protesting Sanders, Biden Votes to Bomb Serbia

Sarajevo , Serbia .
Woof Blister reporting for SIN - Spoof International News .
Despite denials by the Iowa Democratic party that hackers had disrupted the count from the state 's Democratic caucuses - the first votes in the 2020 presidential election - sources have told Spoof International News that the snafu was not a natural one .
Instead , Serbian hackers , at the instigation of the Serbian government in Sarajevo , devastated the results in an effort to punish Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden , two of the leading Democratic candidates , for their having cast pro-war votes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ call for an air strike on Serbia during the Kosovo War in 1999 .
The chaos that followed the hacking delayed the delegate count several hours , with most of the candidates leaving Iowa without knowing how they did statewide in the race for delegates .
When asked if he regretted his pro-war vote , the usually anti-war Sanders simply said `` On to New Hampshire . ''
Biden wondered if Donald Trump had made a phone call to the Serbian president , promising whatever if the Serbs would disrupt the Iowa vote @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , said the president could do whatever was in the public interest , such as scuttling opposition candidates , if Trump thought his re-election was for the good of the nation .
The Serbs are suspected of having stacked the caucus voting in favor of little known Democratic candidate , Etaoin Shrdlu , currently hiding out in the Venezuelan embassy in Ottawa after leaking the Mueller Report .

Sarajevo, Serbia. Woof Blister reporting for SIN - Spoof International News. Despite denials by the Iowa Democratic party that hackers had disrupted the count from the state's Democratic caucuses - the first votes in the 2020 presidential election - sources have told Spoof International News that the snafu was not a natural one.
Instead, Serbian hackers, at the instigation of the Serbian government in Sarajevo, devastated the results in an effort to punish Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden, two of the leading Democratic candidates, for their having cast pro-war votes in support of President Bill Clinton's call for an air strike on Serbia during the Kosovo War in 1999.
The chaos that followed the hacking delayed the delegate count several hours, with most of the candidates leaving Iowa without knowing how they did statewide in the race for delegates.
When asked if he regretted his pro-war vote, the usually anti-war Sanders simply said "On to New Hampshire."
Biden wondered if Donald Trump had made a phone call to the Serbian president, promising whatever if the Serbs would disrupt the Iowa vote. Alan Dershowitz, responding for Trump, said the president could do whatever was in the public interest, such as scuttling opposition candidates, if Trump thought his re-election was for the good of the nation.
The Serbs are suspected of having stacked the caucus voting in favor of little known Democratic candidate, Etaoin Shrdlu, currently hiding out in the Venezuelan embassy in Ottawa after leaking the Mueller Report.


thespoof--2020-02-04--Chinese Coronavirus Hospital Was Made From Sticky Rice

It 's been alleged by undercover sources in China , that the hospital in Wuhan that was built from start @ @ @ @ @ , to house those suffering from the deadly Coronavirus , is made from sticky rice @ @ @ @ @ Huoshenshan Hospital can be seen being constructed in overhead time-lapse footage in many places online @ @ @ @ @ 'on the ground ' at the time , say this was no regular construction work @ @ @ @ @ were built entirely of a gooey mix of paper , glue , and wallpaper paste @ @ @ @ @ cold water .
When the frame of the building had been erected , it was @ @ @ @ @ which , when dry , is the hardest substance known to man .
The rice @ @ @ @ @ hospital is expected to stand for more than 1,000 years .
It wo n't stand @ @ @ @ @ as it has no foundations whatsoever .
The current total of people infected is 20,000 @ @ @ @ @ more hospitals are afoot .

It's been alleged by undercover sources in China, that the hospital in Wuhan that was built from start to finish in 10 days, to house those suffering from the deadly Coronavirus, is made from sticky rice and papier mâché.
The Huoshenshan Hospital can be seen being constructed in overhead time-lapse footage in many places online, but people who were 'on the ground' at the time, say this was no regular construction work.
Walls and supporting floors were built entirely of a gooey mix of paper, glue, and wallpaper paste, and then soaked in cold water. When the frame of the building had been erected, it was covered by gelatinous rice, which, when dry, is the hardest substance known to man. The rice is all-weatherproof, and the hospital is expected to stand for more than 1,000 years.
It won't stand an earthquake, however, as it has no foundations whatsoever.
The current total of people infected is 20,000.
Plans to 'build' more hospitals are afoot.


thespoof--2020-02-04--Biden secretly in training with Hillary over gaffes re Ukraine, Hunter, etc., etc.

Insider sources indicate Joe Biden has been sequestered with Ms. Clinton in a low building with back entrances and a secret elevator somewhere in Washington D.C. Former Ukraine prosecutor Viktor Shokin has added to Biden 's woes by filing a criminal complaint for getting him fired over the Burisma Holdings case .
Questioned on all this , Mr. Biden has resorted to anger .
He has been grabbing people 's lapels , and suggesting fisticuffs or a push-up contest .
His descent from `` Uncle Joe '' with bright teeth is now being compared to the heart of darkness .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ He screams : “ Why me ?
Huh ?
What about Hillary Clinton 's deals in Ukraine ?
Huh ?
Huh ? ''
Ms. Clinton steps forward to suggest he try another response .
This time he grabs the staff member 's shoulders , and rubs his nose on her forehead : “ Look , you do n't know what you 're talking about ! ''
Followed by : `` Cheez , you smell good !
” Ms. Clinton 's response : “ No , no , no .
Let 's begin with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , no , no .
Sheep-dogging is reserved for Bernie Sanders .
First , he loses the nomination again .
Next , he urges all his supporters to vote for whoever we in the DNC nominate at that time . ''
Ms. Clinton puts an arm around his shoulders .
`` Now to sheep-dipping.. Depict anybody who accuses you of anything as a frantic nut-case commie supporter of Vladimir Putin -- as with Tulsi Gabbard !
” '' Harp on this : the Ukraine fiasco is Trump 's problem !
Nothing to do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , re Hunter ?
Patriot who served in the military ! ''
`` Keep saying : them Russians , them Russians , it 's always them Russians ! ''
`` In fact , them Russians are already at it -- delaying results from the Iowa primary ! ''
.
Silence from the training staff , including from Mr. Biden .
“ Anyway , Joe , I have an urge for another go at winning the presidency.
” “ How many here think it 's a good idea ?
What with our hold on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ We come in at the last moment and take it ? ''
“ That way , Joe , you could retire and write a book the way I did. ''
.
“ You could title yours What Did n't Happen !
” “ Joe ?
Joe ?
Now get that wild look out of your eye !
Do n't touch me !
Help !
”

Insider sources indicate Joe Biden has been sequestered with Ms. Clinton in a low building with back entrances and a secret elevator somewhere in Washington D.C.
A training program is underway on image-control.
Former Ukraine prosecutor Viktor Shokin has added to Biden's woes by filing a criminal complaint for getting him fired over the Burisma Holdings case.
Questioned on all this, Mr. Biden has resorted to anger. He has been grabbing people's lapels, and suggesting fisticuffs or a push-up contest.
His descent from "Uncle Joe" with bright teeth is now being compared to the heart of darkness.
So, to training with HRC.
Exercise No.1: A female trainer questions him on Hunter's cushy job.
He screams: “Why me? Huh? What about Hillary Clinton's deals in Ukraine? Huh? Huh?''
Ms. Clinton steps forward to suggest he try another response.
Exercise No. 2:
This time he grabs the staff member's shoulders, and rubs his nose on her forehead:
“Look, you don't know what you're talking about!"
Followed by: "Cheez, you smell good!”
Ms. Clinton's response: “No, no, no. Let's begin with the concept of sheep-dipping.”
Mr. Biden: “Sheep-dipping? You mean sheep-dogging!”
“No, no, no. Sheep-dogging is reserved for Bernie Sanders. First, he loses the nomination again. Next, he urges all his supporters to vote for whoever we in the DNC nominate at that time."
“Which is me! Right?”
Ms. Clinton puts an arm around his shoulders.
"Now to sheep-dipping.. Depict anybody who accuses you of anything as a frantic nut-case commie supporter of Vladimir Putin--as with Tulsi Gabbard!”
"Harp on this: the Ukraine fiasco is strictly Trump's problem! Nothing to do with Joe Biden!"
"Now, re Hunter? Patriot who served in the military!"
"Keep saying: them Russians, them Russians, it's always them Russians!"
"In fact, them Russians are already at it--delaying results from the Iowa primary!".
Silence from the training staff, including from Mr. Biden.
Ms. Clinton again:
“Anyway, Joe, I have an urge for another go at winning the presidency.”
“How many here think it's a good idea? What with our hold on the DNC nominating committee and all? We come in at the last moment and take it?"
"Good idea?"
More silence.
“That way, Joe, you could retire and write a book the way I did.".
Silence continuing,
“You could title yours What Didn't Happen!”
“Joe? Joe? Now get that wild look out of your eye! Don't touch me! Help!”


thespoof--2020-02-04--Nashville Man Wonders if He Could Be in Denial about Being Transgender

While never consciously having desired to be anything other than the male stud that he is , Luke Hendrix of Nashville , Tennessee , wondered if he could possibly be in denial about being transgemder .
`` I 've been in denial about so many things , '' said Hendrix .
`` My drinking , my pot use , my procrastination , my horrible spending habits , even my own self-image .
What if being transgender is just one more thing I 've been in denial about ? ''
Hendrix went on to note that , being as exceptionally attractive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , would likely only have exacerbated any denial about being misgendered .
`` I 'm extremely successful as a man - babes are all over me all the time , '' he said .
`` But if I became a woman , I 'd be starting from scratch .
Instead of being a guy who makes things happen , I 'd have to get used to just sitting back and spreading my legs .
Meow !
Let 's just say it would be different . ''
He added , .
`` Although it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people pay for my meals .
That , I could definitely get used to . ''
Another possible advantage of shifting his gender identity , posited Hendrix , is that perhaps going trans might make him more politically correct .
`` I sometimes have trouble with that , '' he said .
All that being said , Hendrix does not intend to make any rash decisions about his gender identity , and plans to fully revel in his manhood for the indefinite future .
`` I 'm comfortable with staying a dude , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
`` Again , maybe that 's my denial talking , but , as they say , if you 've got it , flaunt it .
And I 've got a little something - no , make that a big something - between my legs that warrants some flaunting , if you catch my drift .
Just ask the ladies . ''
He shook his head at himself .
`` That politically incorrect thing again .
What can I say ?
I 'm working on it . ''

While never consciously having desired to be anything other than the male stud that he is, Luke Hendrix of Nashville, Tennessee, wondered if he could possibly be in denial about being transgemder.
"I've been in denial about so many things," said Hendrix. "My drinking, my pot use, my procrastination, my horrible spending habits, even my own self-image. What if being transgender is just one more thing I've been in denial about?"
Hendrix went on to note that being as exceptionally attractive and sought-after a man as he is would likely only have exacerbated any denial about being misgendered.
"I'm extremely successful as a man - babes are all over me all the time," he said. "But if I became a woman, I'd be starting from scratch. Instead of being a guy who makes things happen, I'd have to get used to just sitting back and spreading my legs. Meow! Let's just say it would be different."
He added, ."Although it wouldn't be so bad having other people pay for my meals. That, I could definitely get used to."
Another possible advantage of shifting his gender identity, posited Hendrix, is that perhaps going trans might make him more politically correct. "I sometimes have trouble with that," he said.
All that being said, Hendrix does not intend to make any rash decisions about his gender identity, and plans to fully revel in his manhood for the indefinite future.
"I'm comfortable with staying a dude, at least for now," he said. "Again, maybe that's my denial talking, but, as they say, if you've got it, flaunt it. And I've got a little something - no, make that a big something - between my legs that warrants some flaunting, if you catch my drift. Just ask the ladies."
He shook his head at himself. "That politically incorrect thing again. What can I say? I'm working on it."


thespoof--2020-02-04--The Supreme Court Issues A Stern Warning To President Trump

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump is reportedly as angry as a giraffe with a sore throat .
The United States Supreme Court has just issued him an extremely drastic warning .
According to The iNews Agency , Trump was told that the Supreme Court judges had voted 8-1 to inform the president that he has to remember that he was elected to be the president of everyone in the entire nation , and not just the president of his base .
When Trump got the phone call from Chief Justice John Roberts informing him about the 8-1 decision against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he kicked a hole in the kitchen wall .
He also took an egg beater out of the utensil drawer and stomped on it with his tiny little feet .
He then angrily picked up a bucket of KFC chicken wings that he was eating , and he threw it at Steve “ The Turdhead ” Mnuchin , who was sitting at a table eating a broccoli , pomegranate and spam sandwich .
POTUS was quoted as saying that he was going to fine the eight judges who voted against him $ 7,250 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was also going to be taking away their vacation time and their McDonalds credit cards .
Chief Justice Roberts informed him that he could in fact legally fine each one of the judges and take away their vacation time , but that he could not take away their McDonalds credit cards .
Trump yelled , “ Look , you loser , you seem to have forgotten ; that , in your eyes , I am not the president !
I am the king , I am King Donald the First , and that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ friggin ’ hell I want to do !
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump is reportedly as angry as a giraffe with a sore throat. The United States Supreme Court has just issued him an extremely drastic warning.
According to The iNews Agency, Trump was told that the Supreme Court judges had voted 8-1 to inform the president that he has to remember that he was elected to be the president of everyone in the entire nation, and not just the president of his base.
When Trump got the phone call from Chief Justice John Roberts informing him about the 8-1 decision against him, he became so angry that he kicked a hole in the kitchen wall. He also took an egg beater out of the utensil drawer and stomped on it with his tiny little feet.
He then angrily picked up a bucket of KFC chicken wings that he was eating, and he threw it at Steve “The Turdhead” Mnuchin, who was sitting at a table eating a broccoli, pomegranate and spam sandwich.
POTUS was quoted as saying that he was going to fine the eight judges who voted against him $7,250 each. He then said that he was also going to be taking away their vacation time and their McDonalds credit cards.
Chief Justice Roberts informed him that he could in fact legally fine each one of the judges and take away their vacation time, but that he could not take away their McDonalds credit cards.
Trump yelled, “Look, you loser, you seem to have forgotten; that, in your eyes, I am not the president! I am the king, I am King Donald the First, and that means that I can do whatever the friggin’ hell I want to do!”
(IN CLOSING – Chief Justice Roberts reportedly hung up on the self-proclaimed King Donald the First, and the word is that Trump will be getting a visit from the FBI, who are going to remind the pathological “Cheater-in-Chief” that he, in fact, is not the King or even the prince, for that matter.)


thespoof--2020-03-30--Purdue Pharma Recommends Oxycontin for Treating Coronavirus Self-Quarantine Symptoms

While there is currently no known cure for COVID-19 itself , Purdue Pharma , the maker of the opioid drug Oxycontin , issued a statement recommending Oxycontin for off-label use in treating the symptoms of coronavirus self-quarantine – which may include boredom , frustration , and/or generalized anxiety .
According to Purdue Pharma CEO Craig Landau , anecdotal evidence as to the drug 's effectiveness in alleviating self-isolation malaise is extremely promising – especially when Oxycontin is snorted or injected .
“ Not that we recommend that , ” he said .
The statement comes only months after Purdue Pharma @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the company , through its marketing of addiction-prone drugs like Oxycontin , helped fuel the opioid crisis .
`` Clearly , we have no financial agenda here , '' said Landau , whose annual bonus was reduced to a mere $ 1.3 million following the company ’ s subsequent declaration of bankruptcy .
`` Our recommendation for off-label use of Oxycontin is made purely in the public interest .
We ’ re all trying to get through this together.
” Landau added that Oxycontin may likewise be useful in treating those who fear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are unable to get tested .
`` Just to help take the edge off , '' he said .
As fear and anxiety continue to skyrocket amidst the media blitz regarding the COVID-19 pandemic , Landau emphasized that Purdue Pharma will continue to be there to support the public in whatever form necessary – whether that be tablet , chewable , or injectable .
“ As a society , we are at a critical juncture , ” he said .
“ Americans are going to need medicating more than ever .
”

While there is currently no known cure for COVID-19 itself, Purdue Pharma, the maker of the opioid drug Oxycontin, issued a statement recommending Oxycontin for off-label use in treating the symptoms of coronavirus self-quarantine – which may include boredom, frustration, and/or generalized anxiety.
According to Purdue Pharma CEO Craig Landau, anecdotal evidence as to the drug's effectiveness in alleviating self-isolation malaise is extremely promising – especially when Oxycontin is snorted or injected. “Not that we recommend that,” he said.
The statement comes only months after Purdue Pharma settled more than 2,000 lawsuits alleging that the company, through its marketing of addiction-prone drugs like Oxycontin, helped fuel the opioid crisis. "Clearly, we have no financial agenda here," said Landau, whose annual bonus was reduced to a mere $1.3 million following the company’s subsequent declaration of bankruptcy. "Our recommendation for off-label use of Oxycontin is made purely in the public interest. We’re all trying to get through this together.”
Landau added that Oxycontin may likewise be useful in treating those who fear that they may have coronavirus but who are unable to get tested. "Just to help take the edge off," he said.
As fear and anxiety continue to skyrocket amidst the media blitz regarding the COVID-19 pandemic, Landau emphasized that Purdue Pharma will continue to be there to support the public in whatever form necessary – whether that be tablet, chewable, or injectable. “As a society, we are at a critical juncture,” he said. “Americans are going to need medicating more than ever.”


thespoof--2020-03-26--New York Man Realizes He Has No Potential

“ I always felt bad about myself for not realizing my full potential , ” said Calvin Doyle of Brooklyn , New York .
“ But then I realized that I probably had – there just wasn ’ t much to realize .
Hardly anything , in fact.
” According to Doyle , the realization that his potential had , all long , been virtually nonexistent , has been extremely freeing .
“ No more pressure trying to ‘ manifest ’ or think positive , ” he said .
“ No , I haven ’ t gotten anywhere in life @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nowhere to get .
At least for me.
” Doyle added that , given his innate lack of potential , it is actually quite impressive that he ’ s even managed to hold down a job for extended periods of time and , occasionally , even to pay the bills .
“ Not too shabby , ” he said .
As for his plans for the future , Doyle says that the sky ’ s the limit .
“ Honestly , I ’ m amazed to have made it this far .
Anything @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is icing on the cake .
”

“I always felt bad about myself for not realizing my full potential,” said Calvin Doyle of Brooklyn, New York. “But then I realized that I probably had – there just wasn’t much to realize. Hardly anything, in fact.”
According to Doyle, the realization that his potential had, all long, been virtually nonexistent, has been extremely freeing. “No more pressure trying to ‘manifest’ or think positive,” he said. “No, I haven’t gotten anywhere in life, but it turns out there was nowhere to get. At least for me.”
Doyle added that, given his innate lack of potential, it is actually quite impressive that he’s even managed to hold down a job for extended periods of time and, occasionally, even to pay the bills. “Not too shabby,” he said.
As for his plans for the future, Doyle says that the sky’s the limit. “Honestly, I’m amazed to have made it this far. Anything else that happens from here on out is icing on the cake.”


thespoof--2020-03-30--Joe Biden Reminisces Back ToThe Day When He Won Super Bowl III

Sitting in his campaign office headquarters in Washington DC , presidential candidate , Joe Biden , started reminiscing about his past heroics , which included the time in 1879 , when he single-handedly developed a vaccine for yellow fever .
Then , in 1955 when he pitched a perfect game for the New York Yankees in game seven of the series .
More than anything , he enjoyed none more than recalling the time , as a member of the New York Jets , he quarterbacked the team to victory in Super Bowl III in 1975 over the powerful Baltimore @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” proclaimed Biden to his campaign staff leaders .
“ In 1975 , I did it !
I engineered the greatest upset of all time in professional football history .
I threw for 600 yards and 10 touchdowns , breaking all the records .
That game is what got me into the NFL Hall of Fame.
” “ I beat Sammy Baugh and Red Grange .
It was a remarkable game , ” Biden continued .
“ I didn ’ t just get the MVP of the Super Bowl , I was so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ MVP of the next three seasons , which I deserved .
I worked hard for it .
There is nothing more satisfying than living off the fruits of your labor .
I was so good , that in 1976 , when I ran for Congress , the entirety of Congress told me they weren ’ t going to hold elections , because I was unbeatable .
They were on their knees just begging me to take the seat .
I didn ’ t want to let them down , so I took it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ today.
” As of press time , Biden was reminiscing over the ten straight Indianapolis 500 victories that he obtained between the years of 1985 and 1994 .

Sitting in his campaign office headquarters in Washington DC, presidential candidate, Joe Biden, started reminiscing about his past heroics, which included the time in 1879, when he single-handedly developed a vaccine for yellow fever. Then, in 1955 when he pitched a perfect game for the New York Yankees in game seven of the series. More than anything, he enjoyed none more than recalling the time, as a member of the New York Jets, he quarterbacked the team to victory in Super Bowl III in 1975 over the powerful Baltimore Colts.
“I did it,” proclaimed Biden to his campaign staff leaders. “In 1975, I did it! I engineered the greatest upset of all time in professional football history. I threw for 600 yards and 10 touchdowns, breaking all the records. That game is what got me into the NFL Hall of Fame.”
“I beat Sammy Baugh and Red Grange. It was a remarkable game,” Biden continued. “I didn’t just get the MVP of the Super Bowl, I was so good, the league gave me the MVP of the next three seasons, which I deserved. I worked hard for it. There is nothing more satisfying than living off the fruits of your labor. I was so good, that in 1976, when I ran for Congress, the entirety of Congress told me they weren’t going to hold elections, because I was unbeatable. They were on their knees just begging me to take the seat. I didn’t want to let them down, so I took it. That is why I am here today.”
As of press time, Biden was reminiscing over the ten straight Indianapolis 500 victories that he obtained between the years of 1985 and 1994.


thespoof--2020-03-29--Vice-President Pence Wants To See Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s Birth Certificate

WASHINGTON , D.C. – A White House insider has informed American Spotlight Magazine that Vice-President Mike Pence is furious that New York Governor , Andrew Cuomo , has just surpassed the president in popularity .
A recent poll , taken by ASM , clearly shows that 19 % of all Americans find DJT to be honest , reputable and believable , whereas a whopping 91 % find Cuomo to be honest , reputable , and believable .
Pence immediately called White House Chief Council Kellyanne Conway and instructed her , in no uncertain terms , to find a way to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asked him how in the world she could possibly do that , since facts are facts .
The VP told her to go to the White House kitchen , get two beers out of the fridge and sit down somewhere and figure out a way .
A few hours later , she informed the vice-president that all he has to do is to say that Gov .
Cuomo was not born in Queens , New York , but in Kenya .
Pence texted back , “ Okay , gotcha , the birther thing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ask to see Cuomo 's birth certificate .
Thank you so much , sweet cakes.
” Vice-President Pence will mention at the next press conference that he has just learned that Gov .
Cuomo was not born in Queens , New York , but in St. Safari Hospital in Nairobi , Kenya .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House insider has informed American Spotlight Magazine that Vice-President Mike Pence is furious that New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo, has just surpassed the president in popularity.
A recent poll, taken by ASM, clearly shows that 19% of all Americans find DJT to be honest, reputable and believable, whereas a whopping 91% find Cuomo to be honest, reputable, and believable.
Pence immediately called White House Chief Council Kellyanne Conway and instructed her, in no uncertain terms, to find a way to refute that claim.
Conway paused and asked him how in the world she could possibly do that, since facts are facts.
The VP told her to go to the White House kitchen, get two beers out of the fridge and sit down somewhere and figure out a way.
A few hours later, she informed the vice-president that all he has to do is to say that Gov. Cuomo was not born in Queens, New York, but in Kenya.
Pence texted back, “Okay, gotcha, the birther thing again. Great, I'll just ask to see Cuomo's birth certificate. Thank you so much, sweet cakes.”
Vice-President Pence will mention at the next press conference that he has just learned that Gov. Cuomo was not born in Queens, New York, but in St. Safari Hospital in Nairobi, Kenya.


thespoof--2020-03-27--Melania Trump Anagram Competition Announced

There was great excitement across the whole of America last night , and the Fox News switchboard was jammed , as hordes of callers started to phone the station with their 'Melania Trump Anagram Competition ' submissions , and there were some interesting entries !
Fox asked viewers to come up with their funniest anagrams of the First Lady 's name , and lines to the station became jammed almost immediately .
The very first caller of the night , Gerry Skum , from Portland , Oregon , came up with 'Mr .
Manipulate ' , which might , in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Another , Betty Drivel from Green Bay , offered 'Planetarium M ' , which could hint at where Mrs Trump spends many of her afternoons .
Arnold Twonk , from New Jersey , had worked out the letters of Mrs Trump 's name could be fashioned into ' A Rump In Metal ' , and so it went on .
David Scheissenhausen , who was ringing from Chicago , offered the rather edgy ' U Menial Tramp ' , and from Miami Beach in Florida , Lester Scabb came up with 'Plum @ @ @ @ @ @ @ until midnight on Sunday , and submissions will be judged by either Demi Lovato , Jennifer Aniston , Nicki Minaj , or Meghan Markle , depending on which one of them is free .
The sender of the best entry will win a 10-year , 'all-expenses-paid ' trip to the Guantanamo Hilton .

There was great excitement across the whole of America last night, and the Fox News switchboard was jammed, as hordes of callers started to phone the station with their 'Melania Trump Anagram Competition' submissions, and there were some interesting entries!
Fox asked viewers to come up with their funniest anagrams of the First Lady's name, and lines to the station became jammed almost immediately.
The very first caller of the night, Gerry Skum, from Portland, Oregon, came up with 'Mr. Manipulate', which might, in all honesty, suit her husband better.
Another, Betty Drivel from Green Bay, offered 'Planetarium M', which could hint at where Mrs Trump spends many of her afternoons.
Arnold Twonk, from New Jersey, had worked out the letters of Mrs Trump's name could be fashioned into 'A Rump In Metal', and so it went on.
David Scheissenhausen, who was ringing from Chicago, offered the rather edgy 'U Menial Tramp', and from Miami Beach in Florida, Lester Scabb came up with 'Plum Marinate'.
The competition is open until midnight on Sunday, and submissions will be judged by either Demi Lovato, Jennifer Aniston, Nicki Minaj, or Meghan Markle, depending on which one of them is free.
The sender of the best entry will win a 10-year, 'all-expenses-paid' trip to the Guantanamo Hilton.


thespoof--2020-03-30--Gas Stations in Colorado Will Start Giving out Recreational Marijuana with Every Fill Up

ASPEN , Colorado – The state ’ s thousands of gas stations are joining into a business venture that they say is going to revolutionize the gas station industry .
Grover Buxonheimer , spokesperson for the Colorado Gasoline Guild , has informed the public that they have joined with the state ’ s thousands of marijuana shops in an exploratory venture that was inspired by a marijuana shop owner named Abner Hornpipe .
Buxonheimer said that he first spoke with Hornpipe when he went into his shop , The Sweet Mary Jane Pot Shop , to buy some weed for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ half a pound of Durango Bango , the two sat down down at a table at the far end of his pot place , away from all of the second-hand marijuana smoke .
They came up with the idea of giving out a nickel bag ( five dollars ' worth ) of recreational marijuana with every gasoline fill-up .
Both liked the idea , and quickly put pencil to paper , and saw that it could be a very lucrative operation .
The gas stations will get lots of business , and the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ marijuana , plus 15 % of the total gasoline sales .
A representative with The Colorado State Cannabis Coalition , says that he is certain the deal will increase Colorado gas sales , because those residents who were going across the border to Utah to buy their gas , will now , instead , buy it in Rocky Mountain High Colorado .
Colorado recently opened up its 9,000th marijuana shop , which is located in Cripple Creek , Colorado .

ASPEN, Colorado – The state’s thousands of gas stations are joining into a business venture that they say is going to revolutionize the gas station industry.
Grover Buxonheimer, spokesperson for the Colorado Gasoline Guild, has informed the public that they have joined with the state’s thousands of marijuana shops in an exploratory venture that was inspired by a marijuana shop owner named Abner Hornpipe.
Buxonheimer said that he first spoke with Hornpipe when he went into his shop, The Sweet Mary Jane Pot Shop, to buy some weed for his 25th wedding anniversary.
After purchasing half a pound of Durango Bango, the two sat down down at a table at the far end of his pot place, away from all of the second-hand marijuana smoke.
They came up with the idea of giving out a nickel bag (five dollars' worth) of recreational marijuana with every gasoline fill-up. Both liked the idea, and quickly put pencil to paper, and saw that it could be a very lucrative operation.
The gas stations will get lots of business, and the marijuana shops will be paid for the marijuana, plus 15% of the total gasoline sales.
A representative with The Colorado State Cannabis Coalition, says that he is certain the deal will increase Colorado gas sales, because those residents who were going across the border to Utah to buy their gas, will now, instead, buy it in Rocky Mountain High Colorado.
Colorado recently opened up its 9,000th marijuana shop, which is located in Cripple Creek, Colorado.


thespoof--2020-03-29--Buddhist Hopes to Someday Find Peace in Present Moment

Matt Millhauser of Nashville , Tennessee , who has been practicing Buddhist meditation for over a decade , with mixed results , continues to hold out hope that he will someday find peace in the present moment .
“ Currently what ’ s there is a mixture of fear and anxiety , with maybe a weird , random thought thrown in now and again , ” he said .
“ But I ’ m going to keep digging .
Maybe , with a little luck , some peace will turn up one of these days.
” Millhauser noted that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now , time really is of the essence in his quest for peace .
“ Not to dwell on the past , but I ’ ve devoted a lot of time already to this present moment thing , ” he said .
“ I ’ d hate to think it was all a waste.
” And for that reason , while he intends to keep trying to find peace in the present moment , he wo n't keep trying forever .
`` I ’ ll give it another few months , '' he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has n't delivered by then , I ’ m going to take a real look at my options . ''
Nevertheless , Millhauser says that he is remaining optimistic regarding his chances of finding peace and , ideally , enlightenment in a moment yet to come .
“ All it takes is one special moment , ” he said .
“ Fingers crossed , it ’ ll happen any day now .
”

Matt Millhauser of Nashville, Tennessee, who has been practicing Buddhist meditation for over a decade, with mixed results, continues to hold out hope that he will someday find peace in the present moment.
“Currently what’s there is a mixture of fear and anxiety, with maybe a weird, random thought thrown in now and again,” he said. “But I’m going to keep digging. Maybe, with a little luck, some peace will turn up one of these days.”
Millhauser noted that, given that all that he has is now, time really is of the essence in his quest for peace. “Not to dwell on the past, but I’ve devoted a lot of time already to this present moment thing,” he said. “I’d hate to think it was all a waste.”
And for that reason, while he intends to keep trying to find peace in the present moment, he won't keep trying forever. "I’ll give it another few months," he said. "If the present moment hasn't delivered by then, I’m going to take a real look at my options."
Nevertheless, Millhauser says that he is remaining optimistic regarding his chances of finding peace and, ideally, enlightenment in a moment yet to come. “All it takes is one special moment,” he said. “Fingers crossed, it’ll happen any day now.”


thespoof--2020-03-30--Residents of A Senior Citizens Home in Nebraska Are Passing the Time by Playing Twister

BROKEN BOW , Nebraska - Flossie Wunderwurst , the director of The Napping Nightingale Senior Citizens Home , which houses 603 older men and women , states that , everyone in the entire home is doing well and are in a happy mood , considering .
The long-time director then remarked , “ Well , except for 96-year-old Cosmo Babbinski , who has been at the home for 37 years , and keeps getting grouchier by the minute.
” Flossie commented that it seems that Cosmo has a World War II elbow injury that flares up from time to time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Johnny Walker Red all over some of the older residents .
Wunderwurst pointed out that , on Tuesdays , Thursdays , and Fridays , the group of old people play Twister , which everyone enjoys , especially the staff members , who get to cheer on their favorite oldsters .
Sadly , last Tuesday , one of the older residents , Fannie Cornweiser , who had just turned 103 , accidentally got so twisted , that they had to call the fire department to rush over and untwist her .
After 20 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crazed banshee screaming , the seven firemen managed to untwist her .
Doctors expect to release Fannie from the home ’ s trauma room in four or five days .

BROKEN BOW, Nebraska - Flossie Wunderwurst, the director of The Napping Nightingale Senior Citizens Home, which houses 603 older men and women, states that, everyone in the entire home is doing well and are in a happy mood, considering.
The long-time director then remarked, “Well, except for 96-year-old Cosmo Babbinski, who has been at the home for 37 years, and keeps getting grouchier by the minute.”
Flossie commented that it seems that Cosmo has a World War II elbow injury that flares up from time to time, causing him to spill his cup of Johnny Walker Red all over some of the older residents.
Wunderwurst pointed out that, on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, the group of old people play Twister, which everyone enjoys, especially the staff members, who get to cheer on their favorite oldsters.
Sadly, last Tuesday, one of the older residents, Fannie Cornweiser, who had just turned 103, accidentally got so twisted, that they had to call the fire department to rush over and untwist her.
After 20 minutes of having to listen to the crazed banshee screaming, the seven firemen managed to untwist her.
The entire home gave the firefighters a sitting ovation.
Doctors expect to release Fannie from the home’s trauma room in four or five days.


thespoof--2020-03-30--The United States Navy Responds to the Rumor That Cruise Ships are Being Diverted to the Bermuda Tri

The United States Navy Responds to the Rumor That Cruise Ships are Being Diverted to the Bermuda Triangle

ARLINGTON , Virginia - Reports from several of the nation ’ s leading newspapers , say that the world ’ s cruise lines are expressing great concern over the recent rumors coming out of the Swampland ( aka D.C. ) A representative for The Wonder Cruise Lines of the World ( WCLW ) is upset that the ten cruise ships that are presently out on the high seas , may be diverted to a path that will take them directly into the dreaded Bermuda Triangle .
When the cruise line rep spoke to a Navy spokesperson , he was assured @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the BT , but they would not necessarily enter into the BP unless there was a good reason like a hurricane , a tsunami , or a huge gathering of Sperm Whales .
At present , no ports anywhere in the entire world are allowing the ten ships to dock at their harbors , because they appear to have a C-19 infestation .
Captain Hoyt Frisbee , of the cruise ship Lady of The Lost Lagoon , said that his wife , back home in Provo , Utah , is really upset @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she has a dental cleaning appointment that she can not miss .
The captain added that his wife does not trust Uber or it ’ s sister company Uberette .
The Navy has stated that they have agreed to airlift to the ship tons of food , medicine , toys , whiskey , and CDs by The Dixie Chicks , Celine Dion , Boys 2 Bros , and , for the much older folks , Neil Sedaka .

ARLINGTON, Virginia - Reports from several of the nation’s leading newspapers, say that the world’s cruise lines are expressing great concern over the recent rumors coming out of the Swampland (aka D.C.)
A representative for The Wonder Cruise Lines of the World (WCLW) is upset that the ten cruise ships that are presently out on the high seas, may be diverted to a path that will take them directly into the dreaded Bermuda Triangle.
When the cruise line rep spoke to a Navy spokesperson, he was assured that the ships may pass very close to the BT, but they would not necessarily enter it, unless there was a good reason, such as a hurricane, a tsunami, or a huge gathering of Sperm Whales.
At present, no ports anywhere in the entire world are allowing the ten ships to dock at their harbors, because they appear to have a C-19 infestation.
Captain Hoyt Frisbee, of the cruise ship Lady of The Lost Lagoon, said that his wife, back home in Provo, Utah, is really upset because she does not drive, and she has a dental cleaning appointment that she cannot miss.
The captain added that his wife does not trust Uber or it’s sister company Uberette.
The Navy has stated that they have agreed to airlift to the ship tons of food, medicine, toys, whiskey, and CDs by The Dixie Chicks, Celine Dion, Boys 2 Bros, and, for the much older folks, Neil Sedaka.


thespoof--2020-03-30--A Man in New Mexico is Making Medical Masks Out of Pantiliners and Scotch Tape

ALBUQUERQUE , New Mexico – A very innovative local entrepreneur who we ’ ll call Johnny Doe , is reportedly making a ton of money manufacturing medical masks .
Doe told a reporter with the Albuquerque Articulator Express , that he has patented a medical mask that is made out of pantiliners and scotch tape .
He calls the masks PantiMaskis 2020 .
He told the newspaper , that he first came up with the idea when he was watching his wife taking a shower in their Albuquerque home .
When he mentioned to his wife about the idea , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had bumped his head on her stripper 's pole again .
Mr. Doe ignored his wife , and took out a small business loan .
He now runs , what he says is , the only pantiliner/mask production company in the entire nation .
When asked about his employees , Mr. Doe became very quiet .
He replied that he had 83 full-time employees .
He then said that he was sorry , but that he had to get back to work to make sure that none of his workers were slacking off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ learned that Johnny ’ s real name is Trinidad F. Crispington , and he owns the Mescalero Knick Knack Company located in downtown Albuquerque .
The newspaper investigated , and learned that , out of Crispington 's 83 employees , 6 are from Albuquerque , 3 are from Boston , 1 is from Nova Scotia , and 73 are from El Salvador .

ALBUQUERQUE, New Mexico – A very innovative local entrepreneur who we’ll call Johnny Doe, is reportedly making a ton of money manufacturing medical masks.
Doe told a reporter with the Albuquerque Articulator Express, that he has patented a medical mask that is made out of pantiliners and scotch tape. He calls the masks PantiMaskis 2020.
He told the newspaper, that he first came up with the idea when he was watching his wife taking a shower in their Albuquerque home.
When he mentioned to his wife about the idea, she laughed, and asked if he had bumped his head on her stripper's pole again.
Mr. Doe ignored his wife, and took out a small business loan. He now runs, what he says is, the only pantiliner/mask production company in the entire nation.
When asked about his employees, Mr. Doe became very quiet. He replied that he had 83 full-time employees. He then said that he was sorry, but that he had to get back to work to make sure that none of his workers were slacking off or shooting dice.
The Articulator Express learned that Johnny’s real name is Trinidad F. Crispington, and he owns the Mescalero Knick Knack Company located in downtown Albuquerque.
The newspaper investigated, and learned that, out of Crispington's 83 employees, 6 are from Albuquerque, 3 are from Boston, 1 is from Nova Scotia, and 73 are from El Salvador.


thespoof--2020-03-29--Central American Immigrants Have Stopped Coming To the USA Because They Fear They’ll Catch the C-19

Central American Immigrants Have Stopped Coming To the USA Because They Fear They’ll Catch the C-19 Flu Virus

LAREDO , Texas – The Laredo sector of the Border Patrol has stated that the apprehension of illegal immigrants has @ @ @ @ @ BP spokesperson , Benardo Poggenpohl , said that in his conversation with one of the @ @ @ @ @ told , “ We duzzent wants tu cum ober tu dee ju-es-a because ju got @ @ @ @ @ One Border Patrol agent , who did not want his real name revealed , so @ @ @ @ @ to him as Agent Sean Hannity , said that , non-citizens by the hundreds are @ @ @ @ @ Grande wearing Houston Astros baseball shirts and heading south for safety .
Many are now @ @ @ @ @ go down to Brazil because things appear to be okay down there and , plus @ @ @ @ @ of sexy , beautiful semi-naked women in that country .
IN CLOSING - The Border @ @ @ @ @ getting ready to lay off over 1,300 agents , including 17 K-9 Border Patrol dogs @

LAREDO, Texas – The Laredo sector of the Border Patrol has stated that the apprehension of illegal immigrants has dropped by 98%.
BP spokesperson, Benardo Poggenpohl, said that in his conversation with one of the Guatemalan detainees, he was told, “We duzzent wants tu cum ober tu dee ju-es-a because ju got peoples wit el C-19.”
One Border Patrol agent, who did not want his real name revealed, so we’ll just refer to him as Agent Sean Hannity, said that, non-citizens by the hundreds are crossing back across the Rio Grande wearing Houston Astros baseball shirts and heading south for safety.
Many are now saying that they will instead go down to Brazil because things appear to be okay down there and, plus, they have a lot of sexy, beautiful semi-naked women in that country.
IN CLOSING - The Border Patrol divulged that they are getting ready to lay off over 1,300 agents, including 17 K-9 Border Patrol dogs.


thespoof--2020-03-29--President Trump Has Orgy With Demi Lovato, Nicki Minaj, Kellyanne Conway And Meghan Markle

WASHINGTON , DC - White House officials are , this morning , denying rumours of a spectacular orgy in which Trump participated .
Some writers do n't explain that ; they just say 'Trump ' , inferring some kind of 'unspoken disrespect ' .
The president , who Demi Lovato calls `` the Orange Tweet Creep '' , or some other such shit , is said to have been present with Kellyanne Conway , whose husband , George , calls Trump the `` Liar-in-Chief '' , Meghan Markle , who thinks Trump is a 'cutey ' , and Nicki Minaj @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ' , because she 's mentally ill. Conway was clad in nothing but a pair of Daisy Duke short shorts .
So was Demi , and so was Nicki .
Meghan was wearing one of her `` eight or nine '' stolen crowns , and showed everyone her tattoo of Prince Harry 's brother , Prince Charles , which she has on her left buttock or , possibly , earlobe .
There was a lot of vavavooming , rather too much horizontal hokey-pokey , and an unbelievable amount of boop-oop-a-doopin business ' taking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ terms are supposed to mean .
A jolly good time was had by all concerned .
There was , sadly , no appropriate way of getting Nancy Pelosi , Joe Biden , Mike Pence , Bernie Sanders , or Sean `` The Marionette '' Hannity into this particular story .
Sorry about that .
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jack fell down And broke his crown But there was sign of any laughter

WASHINGTON, DC - White House officials are, this morning, denying rumours of a spectacular orgy in which Trump participated.
That's President Donald Trump, you understand.
Some writers don't explain that; they just say 'Trump', inferring some kind of 'unspoken disrespect'.
The president, who Demi Lovato calls "the Orange Tweet Creep", or some other such shit, is said to have been present with Kellyanne Conway, whose husband, George, calls Trump the "Liar-in-Chief", Meghan Markle, who thinks Trump is a 'cutey', and Nicki Minaj, who calls Trump "Baby Fingers', because she's mentally ill.
Conway was clad in nothing but a pair of Daisy Duke short shorts. So was Demi, and so was Nicki. Meghan was wearing one of her "eight or nine" stolen crowns, and showed everyone her tattoo of Prince Harry's brother, Prince Charles, which she has on her left buttock or, possibly, earlobe.
There was a lot of vavavooming, rather too much horizontal hokey-pokey, and an unbelievable amount of boop-oop-a-doopin business' taking place, whatever the fuck those childish terms are supposed to mean.
A jolly good time was had by all concerned.
There was, sadly, no appropriate way of getting Nancy Pelosi, Joe Biden, Mike Pence, Bernie Sanders, or Sean "The Marionette" Hannity into this particular story. Sorry about that.
[SIDENOTE]


thespoof--2020-03-29--The White House Says The Annual White House Easter Egg Roll Will Go on As Scheduled

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Donald J Trump has informed Vice-President Pence that even though the majority of the American people have called him crazy , he has decided to go ahead and hold the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt .
According to eye-witnesses , Pence shook his head right away and Trump asked him if he was going against his wishes .
“ No , sir , I just had a weird itch all of a sudden , ” replied the VP .
“ That ’ s exactly what your president thought , ” POTUS remarked .
Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with Rudy Giuliani , Eric Trump , and Sean Hannity , were going to be dressing-up as Easter rabbits .
When word got back to Melania about the Easter egg hunt going on as planned , she raised her eyebrows and replied , “ Oh , my gootness , my husbunt has finally fallen off his rocking share.
” She threw down the book by Kathy Griffin that she was reading and reportedly said , “ Dat ’ s eat , I am going tu beesit my kussin Natasha , who libbs in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ once again denied that the first lady has consulted an attorney about filing for a divorce .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald J Trump has informed Vice-President Pence that even though the majority of the American people have called him crazy, he has decided to go ahead and hold the annual White House Easter Egg Hunt.
According to eye-witnesses, Pence shook his head right away and Trump asked him if he was going against his wishes.
“No, sir, I just had a weird itch all of a sudden,” replied the VP.
“That’s exactly what your president thought,” POTUS remarked.
Trump then informed Pence that he, along with Rudy Giuliani, Eric Trump, and Sean Hannity, were going to be dressing-up as Easter rabbits.
When word got back to Melania about the Easter egg hunt going on as planned, she raised her eyebrows and replied, “Oh, my gootness, my husbunt has finally fallen off his rocking share.”
She threw down the book by Kathy Griffin that she was reading and reportedly said, “Dat’s eat, I am going tu beesit my kussin Natasha, who libbs in Baltimore.“
SIDENOTE: President Trump has once again denied that the first lady has consulted an attorney about filing for a divorce.