thespoof--2020-03-25--What Does Donald Trump Do All Day?

What Does Donald Trump Do All Day?

Investigative reporters have been asking the same question : What does Donald Trump do all day ?
The answer was confirmed .
Trump does n't do very much of anything .
He gets up in the morning , puts his makeup on , does his hair , tweets , eats breakfast , and watches Fox news .
Then he 'll snack again , tweet some more , phone pals , take calls .
He falls asleep during his daily National Security briefing , but stays awake learning about the latest Hollywood scandal , eats lunch and tweets .
Evening , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a midnight snack in bed , watches reruns of The Apprentice , and with the TV on , falls asleep .
Secret Service remotely turn off the TV .
The next day is pretty much the same .
If he has a news briefing , he is prepped , nods his understanding , is given notes , walks to the press room , delivers an opening statement with agonizing apprehension , then motions for the first question .
His staff , sitting at the side of the room , have fingers , arms @ @ @ @ @ @ @ best .
Maybe an explosion or two , followed by petty name-calling , leaves the podium , might go back to the Oval Office , or board Air Force One and fly down to Florida and Mar-a-Lago .
Trump is the same individual who decided that the coronavirus would be terminated on Easter Sunday , because Easter Sunday is such a special day .
Because Easter celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ ?
Suddenly , he 's turned to the good book and is religious ?
This from the guy who had unsafe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ after his wife had his child !
Or , instead , is the termination of coronavirus precautions a guise for the resurrection of Big Business and Wall Street for his pals ?
If the coronavirus is ignored , and lockdowns terminated , people will intermingle and die , particularly older people .
Word 's circulating that older people have lived long enough .
Grandparents should be the first to go to their heavenly reward .
This is as thoughtless as it is repugnant , however it 's acceptable to Trump supporters .
Donald @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grandfather ten times over , does n't do much .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Investigative reporters have been asking the same question: What does Donald Trump do all day?
The answer was confirmed. Trump doesn't do very much of anything.
He gets up in the morning, puts his makeup on, does his hair, tweets, eats breakfast, and watches Fox news. Then he'll snack again, tweet some more, phone pals, take calls. He falls asleep during his daily National Security briefing, but stays awake learning about the latest Hollywood scandal, eats lunch and tweets.
Evening, time for a social event. Eats a midnight snack in bed, watches reruns of The Apprentice, and with the TV on, falls asleep. Secret Service remotely turn off the TV.
The next day is pretty much the same. If he has a news briefing, he is prepped, nods his understanding, is given notes, walks to the press room, delivers an opening statement with agonizing apprehension, then motions for the first question.
His staff, sitting at the side of the room, have fingers, arms and knees crossed, hoping for the best.
Maybe an explosion or two, followed by petty name-calling, leaves the podium, might go back to the Oval Office, or board Air Force One and fly down to Florida and Mar-a-Lago.
Trump is the same individual who decided that the coronavirus would be terminated on Easter Sunday, because Easter Sunday is such a special day.
Because Easter celebrates the resurrection of Jesus Christ? Suddenly, he's turned to the good book and is religious? This from the guy who had unsafe sex with a porn star just weeks after his wife had his child!
Or, instead, is the termination of coronavirus precautions a guise for the resurrection of Big Business and Wall Street for his pals?
If the coronavirus is ignored, and lockdowns terminated, people will intermingle and die, particularly older people. Word's circulating that older people have lived long enough. Grandparents should be the first to go to their heavenly reward. This is as thoughtless as it is repugnant, however it's acceptable to Trump supporters.
Donald Trump, in his 70s, a grandfather ten times over, doesn't do much.
After you, Mr. Trump!
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-03-25--Demi Lovato To Pay For 10,000 Trump Campaign Buttons

LOS ANGELES – Well , once again it ’ s a presidential campaign year , and , this year , popular pop star , Demi Lovato , who claims to be related to French actress Brigitte Bardot and wrestling legend Bill Goldberg , is jumping into the fray with both feet .
The 5 foot 4 inch dynamo just informed Fajita San Guacamole with Hollywood Innuendo that she will be paying to have 10,000 Trump campaign buttons produced .
San Guacamole , knowing that Lovato is a registered Democrat , remarked that she was stunned because other than Robert De @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Golden State Warriors , and Pope Francis , Demi is the most anti-Trumper in the world .
Miss Lovato broke out laughing , and said that the buttons are not pro-Trump , but are actually anti-Trump .
When asked what the buttons will say , Demi replied , “ Down With The Liar-in-Chief - aka Chairman Trumpski.
” She then added that when summer rolls along , she hopes to have another 10,000 produced , but with an X-rated theme .
Lovato disclosed that the second batch of anti-Trump campaign buttons will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ orange tweet creep 's lap .

LOS ANGELES – Well, once again it’s a presidential campaign year, and, this year, popular pop star, Demi Lovato, who claims to be related to French actress Brigitte Bardot and wrestling legend Bill Goldberg, is jumping into the fray with both feet.
The 5 foot 4 inch dynamo just informed Fajita San Guacamole with Hollywood Innuendo that she will be paying to have 10,000 Trump campaign buttons produced.
San Guacamole, knowing that Lovato is a registered Democrat, remarked that she was stunned because other than Robert De Niro, Rosie O’Donnell, The Golden State Warriors, and Pope Francis, Demi is the most anti-Trumper in the world.
Miss Lovato broke out laughing, and said that the buttons are not pro-Trump, but are actually anti-Trump.
When asked what the buttons will say, Demi replied, “Down With The Liar-in-Chief - aka Chairman Trumpski.”
She then added that when summer rolls along, she hopes to have another 10,000 produced, but with an X-rated theme.
Lovato disclosed that the second batch of anti-Trump campaign buttons will be featuring Stormy Daniels sitting on the orange tweet creep's lap.


thespoof--2020-03-25--Trump Simply Goes Berserk When Reporters Ask Him Gotcha Questions

WASHINGTON , D.C. - Since President Donald Trump will no longer be able to have his never-ending political campaign pep rallies , he has become very moody , downright depressed , and is stress-eating ( as many as five Big Macs per day ) .
He actually wanted to set the limit of people congregating together at 12,000 , but Kellyanne Conway , Ivanka Trump , and Sean Hannity all over-ruled him .
And so now , the entire nation has to put up with his incessant babbling , as he talks and rants and spouts and says absolutely nothing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ each new question , he quickly pivots to Dr. Anthony Fauci , who has more intelligence in his left earlobe than old Mr .
Bone Spurs has in his entire 295-pound body .
When the P.P .
( Perfect President ) gets a question that he does not like , he looks the reporter in the eye , and sarcastically , and arrogantly , says , “ That was a very nasty question , ” or “ You ’ re a very nasty person for asking that , '' or “ You ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Since President Donald Trump will no longer be able to have his never-ending political campaign pep rallies, he has become very moody, downright depressed, and is stress-eating (as many as five Big Macs per day).
He actually wanted to set the limit of people congregating together at 12,000, but Kellyanne Conway, Ivanka Trump, and Sean Hannity all over-ruled him.
And so now, the entire nation has to put up with his incessant babbling, as he talks and rants and spouts and says absolutely nothing during his 2-hour-long press conferences.
With each new question, he quickly pivots to Dr. Anthony Fauci, who has more intelligence in his left earlobe than old Mr. Bone Spurs has in his entire 295-pound body.
When the P.P. (Perfect President) gets a question that he does not like, he looks the reporter in the eye, and sarcastically, and arrogantly, says, “That was a very nasty question,” or “You’re a very nasty person for asking that," or “You’re so much nastier than Stormy Daniels.”


thespoof--2020-03-26--Trump Might Move To Mar-a-Lago

Trump Might Move To Mar-a-Lago

With the coronavirus interfering with Donald Trump 's daily schedule , he is thinking of moving the White House office to Mar-a-Lago , his Florida home .
He was said to have complained during a private cabinet meeting , `` These daily briefings are a pain in the @ # $ % .
And that little guy keeps contradicting me and making faces behind my back .
I see the videos afterward .
He 's making faces at me .
And I 'm trapped in this joint .
I 'd give it to crooked Hillary , but I do n't @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Expanding on his words , he claimed that he was such a super-intelligent kind of guy , ( describing his intelligence by tapping his head three times ) and he could do better at Mar-a-Lago , adding that , at least he would n't have that little guy contradicting him all the time .
`` He translates what I say like I 'm dumb or something , and do n't know what I 'm talking about .
I thought the Easter deal for the economy was brilliant ! ''
Citing that he had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ broke out , was another pain in the @ # $ % .
`` I 'm a natural-born athlete , and I have to get out on the links at least once a day . ''
While no one questioned his claim of superintelligence , or the Easter Bunny deal , suggesting that he was a natural-born athlete presented a fingernail on blackboard moment , producing , the Bronx cheer .
from someone at the table .
`` I did n't expect that , but it 's not okay . ''
Almost the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ laughed at during a United Nations address .
He bragged at the UN that his administration had accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of the country .
While he could n't do anything about being laughed at before the United Nations , he could at the White House .
`` Who gave me the Bronx cheer ? ''
`` I think it was Ivanka . ''
`` She has the White House wired .
She 's afraid Tiffany might sneak in . ''
`` I bet it was that little @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him , '' they sycophantishly agreed .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

With the coronavirus interfering with Donald Trump's daily schedule, he is thinking of moving the White House office to Mar-a-Lago, his Florida home.
He was said to have complained during a private cabinet meeting, "These daily briefings are a pain in the @#$%. And that little guy keeps contradicting me and making faces behind my back. I see the videos afterward. He's making faces at me. And I'm trapped in this joint. I'd give it to crooked Hillary, but I don't want to see her gloat."
Expanding on his words, he claimed that he was such a super-intelligent kind of guy, (describing his intelligence by tapping his head three times) and he could do better at Mar-a-Lago, adding that, at least he wouldn't have that little guy contradicting him all the time.
"He translates what I say like I'm dumb or something, and don't know what I'm talking about. I thought the Easter deal for the economy was brilliant!"
His cabinet sycophantishly agreed.
Citing that he hadn't played any golf since this thing broke out, was another pain in the @#$%. "I'm a natural-born athlete, and I have to get out on the links at least once a day."
While no one questioned his claim of superintelligence, or the Easter Bunny deal, suggesting that he was a natural-born athlete presented a fingernail on blackboard moment, producing, the Bronx cheer. from someone at the table.
"I didn't expect that, but it's not okay."
Almost the exact same reply he said following being laughed at during a United Nations address. He bragged at the UN that his administration had accomplished more than almost any administration in the history of the country.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, said the audience.
"Be best."
While he couldn't do anything about being laughed at before the United Nations, he could at the White House. "Who gave me the Bronx cheer?"
"I think it was Ivanka."
"She's in the east wing, designing shoes."
"She has the White House wired. She's afraid Tiffany might sneak in."
"I bet it was that little guy."
"It sounded like him," they sycophantishly agreed.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-03-25--Biden Denies Wearing Codpiece In Sanders Debate

BILLINGSGATE POST : Joe Biden is famous for having a mouth that writes checks his ass can ’ t cash .
After introducing President Obama at the signing ceremony for healthcare reform , he turned and embraced his boss while whispering into Obama ’ s ear : “ This is a big f*cking deal !
” Loudly enough to be picked up by cameras and microphones in the East Room .
Biden , who has been on the record for putting his foot in his mouth more times than you can count , emphatically denied , when asked by Rachel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ President Obama 's question about the bulge he noticed in Biden 's trousers .
Persisting , Maddow then asked Biden if he had ever worn a codpiece , as some viewers had called in after his recent debate with Bernie Sanders to ask whether Biden was carrying heat or what during the debate .
`` Absolutely not ! ''
exclaimed the Vice President .
`` What you see is what you get .
Hey , ask my wife .
She has to crazy-glue my balls to the bed frame so I do n't @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of bed in the morning . ''
Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
You can ’ t read his lips if you ’ re watching his dick .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Joe Biden is famous for having a mouth that writes checks his ass can’t cash. After introducing President Obama at the signing ceremony for healthcare reform, he turned and embraced his boss while whispering into Obama’s ear: “This is a big f*cking deal!” Loudly enough to be picked up by cameras and microphones in the East Room.
Biden, who has been on the record for putting his foot in his mouth more times than you can count, emphatically denied, when asked by Rachel Maddow, if he were replying to President Obama's question about the bulge he noticed in Biden's trousers.
Persisting, Maddow then asked Biden if he had ever worn a codpiece, as some viewers had called in after his recent debate with Bernie Sanders to ask whether Biden was carrying heat or what during the debate.
"Absolutely not!" exclaimed the Vice President. "What you see is what you get. Hey, ask my wife. She has to crazy-glue my balls to the bed frame so I don't hurt myself when I pole vault out of bed in the morning."
Slim: “Too many crotch-watchers out there.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. You can’t read his lips if you’re watching his dick.”


thespoof--2020-03-25--Donald Trump has begun to lick the cactus

American president and self-proclaimed smartest man in the world , Donald Trump , has begun to lick the cactus that @ @ @ @ @ as a leaving present .
White House staffer , Bigly Sosoon , said : 'We @ @ @ @ @ the White House , and Donald has his favourite , the one that Barack gave @ @ @ @ @ started to lick it .
We do n't know whether or not it is a @ @ @ @ @ he does for comfort , but it is quite worrying for us . '
The @ @ @ @ @ , my spikes stop beings getting too close , but not the Donald .
I @ @ @ @ @ his third marriage . '

American president and self-proclaimed smartest man in the world, Donald Trump, has begun to lick the cactus that Barack Obama left for him as a leaving present.
White House staffer, Bigly Sosoon, said: 'We only have three cacti in the White House, and Donald has his favourite, the one that Barack gave him, and he has started to lick it. We don't know whether or not it is a sign of stress or something he does for comfort, but it is quite worrying for us.'
The cactus told us: 'Usually, my spikes stop beings getting too close, but not the Donald. I know why he is on his third marriage.'


thespoof--2020-03-25--Drug Cartels Convert To Growing Toilet Paper

BILLINGSGATE POST : Chico “ El Toker ” Guzman , son of El Chapo and titular head of the Sinaloa Cartel , the largest drug cartel in the world , announced today that they would be converting all of their farms and labs to growing toilet paper .
El Toker , who inherited the Sinaloa Cartel from his notorious father , after his old man was sentenced to life in prison , said that his father had called him from his prison cell complaining that he had run out of toilet tissue because of the Coronavirus epidemic .
His dutiful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on in the USA , told his dad that “ he would take care of things '' .
DEA surveillance drones , recently deployed to Baja California , show pictures of vast areas of white fields growing what appears to be rolls of toilet tissue .
Manuel Lopez Obrador , President of Mexico , who some feared was cracking down on the cartels , cited El Toker for his humanitarian gesture .
“ I will talk to President Trump and insure that your father receives a lifetime supply of toilet tissue.
” Slim @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crisis to bring out the best in man.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
This may be the start of something good .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Chico “El Toker” Guzman, son of El Chapo and titular head of the Sinaloa Cartel, the largest drug cartel in the world, announced today that they would be converting all of their farms and labs to growing toilet paper.
El Toker, who inherited the Sinaloa Cartel from his notorious father, after his old man was sentenced to life in prison, said that his father had called him from his prison cell complaining that he had run out of toilet tissue because of the Coronavirus epidemic.
His dutiful son, aware of the hoarding going on in the USA, told his dad that “he would take care of things".
DEA surveillance drones, recently deployed to Baja California, show pictures of vast areas of white fields growing what appears to be rolls of toilet tissue.
Manuel Lopez Obrador, President of Mexico, who some feared was cracking down on the cartels, cited El Toker for his humanitarian gesture.
“I will talk to President Trump and insure that your father receives a lifetime supply of toilet tissue.”
Slim: “Sometimes, it takes a crisis to bring out the best in man.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. This may be the start of something good.”


thespoof--2020-04-16--Trump becomes epicenter of coronavirus

Trump becomes epicenter of coronavirus

`` This is absolute , '' said President Trump , as he spoke to astonished journalists on the White House lawn .
Originally , the President had thought coronavirus to be something bad affecting computers .
Having established the Administration had no Corona computers , he put the threat attack away .
Medical staff tried to explain the real danger involved , but the President was unbending .
`` My power is absolute , '' he repeated , until his nurse brought him cookies , a blanket and a silver box for his hairpiece .
Now the coronavirus , allegedly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has settled in the White House .
`` We do n't have Wuhan computers , either ! ''
yelled Donald .
`` We use Samsung ! ''
But all to no avail .
Medical staff again tried to explain the virus was a human problem .
Again , no comprehension on the part of the President .
`` I can beat anything .
This is gon na be the greatest virus ever , and I 'm gon na make sure it stays that way . ''
`` OK , '' retracted Trump , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Fake news as always . ''
Now , however , scientists have identified Donald , himself , as the epicenter of the spread in the States .
`` This virus is a metabolically inert , infectious agent that stops at nothing .
It is a poison which has a corrupting influence on morals and the intellect , '' explained a virologist .
Yep , it 's found home .
Trump bowed his head in appreciation of his own greatness .
Fortunately , social distancing will be no problem , since no-one wants to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is a sorry picture .
Millions voted for this moron , now he 's just a viral nerd .

"This is absolute," said President Trump, as he spoke to astonished journalists on the White House lawn.
Originally, the President had thought coronavirus to be something bad affecting computers. Having established the Administration had no Corona computers, he put the threat attack away. Medical staff tried to explain the real danger involved, but the President was unbending. "My power is absolute," he repeated, until his nurse brought him cookies, a blanket and a silver box for his hairpiece.
Now the coronavirus, allegedly stemming from wet markets in Wuhan, has settled in the White House.
"We don't have Wuhan computers, either!" yelled Donald. "We use Samsung!" But all to no avail. Medical staff again tried to explain the virus was a human problem. Again, no comprehension on the part of the President. "I can beat anything. This is gonna be the greatest virus ever, and I'm gonna make sure it stays that way."
After 20,000 deaths, the penny dropped.
"OK," retracted Trump, "OK, I was misinformed. Fake news as always."
Now, however, scientists have identified Donald, himself, as the epicenter of the spread in the States.
"This virus is a metabolically inert, infectious agent that stops at nothing. It is a poison which has a corrupting influence on morals and the intellect," explained a virologist. Yep, it's found home.
Trump bowed his head in appreciation of his own greatness.
Fortunately, social distancing will be no problem, since no-one wants to get near the guy. Yet it is a sorry picture. Millions voted for this moron, now he's just a viral nerd.


thespoof--2020-04-16--Originator of Johns Hopkins COVID-19 Dashboard Not Sure Where Data Comes From, But Says It Looks Goo

Originator of Johns Hopkins COVID-19 Dashboard Not Sure Where Data Comes From, But Says It Looks Good Enough

( Baltimore , Maryland ) As the Coronavirus continues its spread to every inhabited corner of the planet , everyday citizens ’ appetite for the disease ’ s telemetry has grown exponentially , mainly to enable them to debate their expertise on epidemiology on social media platforms and in company-required Zoom meetings .
One person critical in the information battle raging on the pandemic is James Lee , a data scientist doctoral candidate at Johns Hopkins University , and the brainchild behind the popular website COVID-19 Dashboard by the Center for Systems Science and Engineering ( CSSE ) at Johns @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , while many visitors turn to the site on a daily basis to use its data to rail about it being the end of times or a complete hoax on social media , the dashboard ’ s roots have a humble beginning .
We recently spoke with Mr. Lee about the inspired genius that helped him create such an important fountain of information .
“ To be honest , I am not really sure where all the data that feeds the dashboard comes from , ” Mr. Lee revealed .
“ I have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ high one night back in January , and kind of threw it all together as a prank to play on my other student buddies .
Suddenly , before I knew it , the university had picked it up and published it to the Internet , as some kind of numerical authority on the pandemic ’ s spread .
I guess it looked good enough for them.
” In a hushed , sheepish voice , he added , “ I actually think some of the numbers may come from Netflix viewer demographic breakouts from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ data , I think , is from state unemployment claims .
For instance - look at this spreadsheet macro that is a part of the info models ...
I have NO idea what it is polling .
Man , I must have REALLY been high that night !
” James then drifted off into a self-absorbed review of his work , occasionally chuckling and shaking his head .
If it is one thing the pandemic has taught us , it is that more knowledge , no matter the source , is critical .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ any way he can .

(Baltimore, Maryland) As the Coronavirus continues its spread to every inhabited corner of the planet, everyday citizens’ appetite for the disease’s telemetry has grown exponentially, mainly to enable them to debate their expertise on epidemiology on social media platforms and in company-required Zoom meetings.
One person critical in the information battle raging on the pandemic is James Lee, a data scientist doctoral candidate at Johns Hopkins University, and the brainchild behind the popular website COVID-19 Dashboard by the Center for Systems Science and Engineering (CSSE) at Johns Hopkins University (JHU). And, while many visitors turn to the site on a daily basis to use its data to rail about it being the end of times or a complete hoax on social media, the dashboard’s roots have a humble beginning. We recently spoke with Mr. Lee about the inspired genius that helped him create such an important fountain of information.
“To be honest, I am not really sure where all the data that feeds the dashboard comes from,” Mr. Lee revealed. “I have to admit, I was a little high one night back in January, and kind of threw it all together as a prank to play on my other student buddies. Suddenly, before I knew it, the university had picked it up and published it to the Internet, as some kind of numerical authority on the pandemic’s spread. I guess it looked good enough for them.” In a hushed, sheepish voice, he added, “I actually think some of the numbers may come from Netflix viewer demographic breakouts from ‘Tiger King’, while other data, I think, is from state unemployment claims. For instance - look at this spreadsheet macro that is a part of the info models...I have NO idea what it is polling. Man, I must have REALLY been high that night!” James then drifted off into a self-absorbed review of his work, occasionally chuckling and shaking his head.
If it is one thing the pandemic has taught us, it is that more knowledge, no matter the source, is critical. And James Lee is leading that charge any way he can.


thespoof--2020-04-16--Nashville Roofer Dies after Falling from 12-Story Building and Testing Positive for COVID-19

Part of the construction team hired to rebuild East Nashville after two devastating tornadoes ravaged much of the area in March 2020 , 28-year-old Chip Goodman , a roofer with Raise the Roof , Inc. , tumbled from a 12-story building when a tarp torn loose by a heavy gust of wind knocked him off balance , sending him tumbling to the ground below .
Although rushed to the hospital immediately , the bleeding and unconscious Goodman died after testing positive for COVID-19 .
“ He was so young to be taken by coronavirus , ” said Goodman ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ My husband and I thought that we were the only ones at risk .
Little did we know that this disease affects everyone , not just seniors.
” Goodman ’ s mother added that , had she known of the true danger posed by COVID-19 , she would have taken social distancing recommendations much more seriously .
“ As a family , we were often sometimes slack in maintaining a full six feet between us , ” she said .
“ We ’ ll have to live with that.
” Goodman ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I ’ m just grateful Chip was able to be tested .
Otherwise , we might never have known his true cause of death .
This is why testing 's so important . ''
Goodman ’ s father , 66-year-old Ryan Goodman , described his eldest son as an adrenaline junkie who rode his bike everywhere , grew his own vegetables , and was always trying to get everyone to go vegan .
`` More than anything , though , Chip hated being called a hipster , '' said his dad .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ him to hear that he died of the hippest virus since HIV . ''
He chuckled wryly and shook his head .
`` Fate has an extremely twisted sense of humor , is all I can say .
”

Part of the construction team hired to rebuild East Nashville after two devastating tornadoes ravaged much of the area in March 2020, 28-year-old Chip Goodman, a roofer with Raise the Roof, Inc., tumbled from a 12-story building when a tarp torn loose by a heavy gust of wind knocked him off balance, sending him tumbling to the ground below. Although rushed to the hospital immediately, the bleeding and unconscious Goodman died after testing positive for COVID-19.
“He was so young to be taken by coronavirus,” said Goodman’s mother, 67-year-old Belle Goodman. “My husband and I thought that we were the only ones at risk. Little did we know that this disease affects everyone, not just seniors.”
Goodman’s mother added that, had she known of the true danger posed by COVID-19, she would have taken social distancing recommendations much more seriously. “As a family, we were often sometimes slack in maintaining a full six feet between us,” she said. “We’ll have to live with that.”
Goodman’s girlfriend, Brittney Potts, stated, “I’m just grateful Chip was able to be tested. Otherwise, we might never have known his true cause of death. This is why testing's so important."
Goodman’s father, 66-year-old Ryan Goodman, described his eldest son as an adrenaline junkie who rode his bike everywhere, grew his own vegetables, and was always trying to get everyone to go vegan. "More than anything, though, Chip hated being called a hipster," said his dad. "It would have just about killed him to hear that he died of the hippest virus since HIV." He chuckled wryly and shook his head. "Fate has an extremely twisted sense of humor, is all I can say.”


thespoof--2020-04-16--President Trump Tells Sean Hannity That if His Bone Spurs Get Worse He May Have to Resign the Presid

President Trump Tells Sean Hannity That if His Bone Spurs Get Worse He May Have to Resign the Presidency

WASHINGTON , D.C. - The president ’ s BFF , Sean Hannity , has just revealed that he had a @ @ @ @ @ Trump .
Hannity , who is the top anchorman at Fox News , reported that @ @ @ @ @ his best friend informed him that , just within the past two weeks , his @ @ @ @ @ up .
The president said that it was getting harder and harder to walk from @ @ @ @ @ ( a distance of 65 yards ) .
He even told Hannity that twice last @ @ @ @ @ give him a piggy back from their bed to the bathroom .
POTUS confided to @ @ @ @ @ bone spurs do n't improve , he will have no choice but to resign the @ @ @ @ @ not to resign , and suggested that he get Dr. Fauci to take a look @ @ @ @ @ Trump reportedly remarked that he would rather French kiss Nancy Pelosi than to ask the @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The president’s BFF, Sean Hannity, has just revealed that he had a very personal phone conversation with Trump.
Hannity, who is the top anchorman at Fox News, reported that he was literally floored when his best friend informed him that, just within the past two weeks, his decades-old bone spurs have flared up.
The president said that it was getting harder and harder to walk from the bed to the bathroom (a distance of 65 yards).
He even told Hannity that twice last week, Melania had to give him a piggy back from their bed to the bathroom.
POTUS confided to Hannity that, if his bone spurs don't improve, he will have no choice but to resign the presidency.
Hannity begged him not to resign, and suggested that he get Dr. Fauci to take a look and make a recommendation.
Trump reportedly remarked that he would rather French kiss Nancy Pelosi than to ask the little backstabbing doctor for advice.


thespoof--2020-04-16--Michigan Citizens Unite to Demand Soul Crushing Work Routines Not Be Thwarted By an Uncaring Governm

Michigan Citizens Unite to Demand Soul Crushing Work Routines Not Be Thwarted By an Uncaring Government

( Lansing , Michigan ) Michigan citizens rallied in their state ’ s capital this Wednesday , demanding their governor allow them to return to the soul crushing work routines they were trapped in before the Coronavirus pandemic rolled into their state .
Governor Gretchen Whitmer , concerned for the health and safety of her state ’ s residents , recently extended her stay at home order to April 30th .
The order includes not only strict stay at home requirements to include allowing the gathering of family members only residing in the same household , but also forbids the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” .
The rally , named “ Operation Gridlock , ” was rapidly organized to counter the governor ’ s actions .
“ These libtard press sheep have gotten to our governor , and we ’ re not going to take it lying down , ” railed Antoni Nowakowski , one of Operation Gridlock ’ s organizers .
“ She has no right to keep me from pursuing my American Dream by sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for an hour each way to my office job as a claims processor for Health and Human @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to live that lifestyle five days a week , so I can raise my latchkey kids and take my frustrations out on my wife when she ’ s around.
” Antoni then walked off to wave a Don ’ t Tread on Me flag and join the protesters in singing “ Proud to be an American ” .
Rosanne Miller , another protestor , added , “ America was built on the backs of people willing to compromise themselves for awful career choices that lead to soul-crushing boredom and dread .
What else @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with your neighbors ?
I always look forward to Saturdays in my neighbor 's backyard , complaining about dirty coffee pots in the breakroom or when the copier runs out of toner .
And now our governor wants to strip that from me ?
This ain ’ t Russia !
” Rosanne was suddenly distracted by a call from her husband , who reached out to let her know their government stimulus checks hadn ’ t been deposited into their checking accounts yet .
“ Well , let ’ s hope Costco keeps @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we want , ” she mentioned before hanging up .
By jamming up afternoon traffic in Lansing with hundreds of cars and groups of tightly packed people , Michigan citizens have certainly shown their reticence and resolve in the face of science , logic , and caution .
Of note , at press time , 150 of the protestors were reported as having tested positive for Coronavirus .
We celebrate this bold act of protest ; it is all that ’ s needed to keep America great !

(Lansing, Michigan) Michigan citizens rallied in their state’s capital this Wednesday, demanding their governor allow them to return to the soul crushing work routines they were trapped in before the Coronavirus pandemic rolled into their state.
Governor Gretchen Whitmer, concerned for the health and safety of her state’s residents, recently extended her stay at home order to April 30th. The order includes not only strict stay at home requirements to include allowing the gathering of family members only residing in the same household, but also forbids the sale of products not deemed “essential”.
The rally, named “Operation Gridlock,” was rapidly organized to counter the governor’s actions. “These libtard press sheep have gotten to our governor, and we’re not going to take it lying down,” railed Antoni Nowakowski, one of Operation Gridlock’s organizers. “She has no right to keep me from pursuing my American Dream by sitting in bumper-to-bumper traffic for an hour each way to my office job as a claims processor for Health and Human Services. It’s my right to live that lifestyle five days a week, so I can raise my latchkey kids and take my frustrations out on my wife when she’s around.” Antoni then walked off to wave a Don’t Tread on Me flag and join the protesters in singing “Proud to be an American”.
Rosanne Miller, another protestor, added, “America was built on the backs of people willing to compromise themselves for awful career choices that lead to soul-crushing boredom and dread. What else can you talk about at weekend barbecues with your neighbors? I always look forward to Saturdays in my neighbor's backyard, complaining about dirty coffee pots in the breakroom or when the copier runs out of toner. And now our governor wants to strip that from me? This ain’t Russia!” Rosanne was suddenly distracted by a call from her husband, who reached out to let her know their government stimulus checks hadn’t been deposited into their checking accounts yet. “Well, let’s hope Costco keeps the deposit on that new 4K TV we want,” she mentioned before hanging up.
By jamming up afternoon traffic in Lansing with hundreds of cars and groups of tightly packed people, Michigan citizens have certainly shown their reticence and resolve in the face of science, logic, and caution.
Of note, at press time, 150 of the protestors were reported as having tested positive for Coronavirus.
We celebrate this bold act of protest; it is all that’s needed to keep America great!


thespoof--2020-04-16--President Trump blames Coronavirus on “slitty-eyed foreigners, Muslims, the New York Times and the D

President Trump blames Coronavirus on “slitty-eyed foreigners, Muslims, the New York Times and the Democrats”

The President of the United States , in an important news briefing today , released information about the possible origins of the deadly Coronavirus disease .
Flanked by his chief medical officers , who appeared to have headaches and were looking down at the floor , he boldly announced who was to blame for the deadly virus that ’ s killed thousands across the world .
“ It ’ s the Democrats , ” he said , bravely .
“ They ’ ve opposed everything I ’ ve asked for , like a border wall and relaxed gun laws .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ streets , Coronavirus would be a lesser threat than a bullet in the head .
But they don ’ t care .
Oh no .
And the slitty-eyed foreign Chinese , who don ’ t care about the American worker when they manufacture so much junk and sell it to us .
If they bought more US junk , they ’ d be the ones in hospital , recovering from broken fingers and toes , and they wouldn ’ t have had time to travel to the West and spread the virus .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ They ’ re always responsible when something goes wrong .
Oh yes .
And the unpatriotic New York Times , because they hate everything I do .
So hateful .
Big disgrace.
” President Trump then proceeded to show reporters a video of him spanking his wife Melania , while she grunted “ Go , good boy , you ’ re so good , so good , yeah , you ’ re the best , YEAH !
” One reporter from Fox News remarked after the briefing , `` Yeah , he really @ @ @ @

The President of the United States, in an important news briefing today, released information about the possible origins of the deadly Coronavirus disease. Flanked by his chief medical officers, who appeared to have headaches and were looking down at the floor, he boldly announced who was to blame for the deadly virus that’s killed thousands across the world.
“It’s the Democrats,” he said, bravely. “They’ve opposed everything I’ve asked for, like a border wall and relaxed gun laws. If we had more guns on the streets, Coronavirus would be a lesser threat than a bullet in the head. But they don’t care. Oh no. And the slitty-eyed foreign Chinese, who don’t care about the American worker when they manufacture so much junk and sell it to us. If they bought more US junk, they’d be the ones in hospital, recovering from broken fingers and toes, and they wouldn’t have had time to travel to the West and spread the virus. Don’t forget the Muslims. They’re always responsible when something goes wrong. Oh yes. And the unpatriotic New York Times, because they hate everything I do. So hateful. Big disgrace.”
President Trump then proceeded to show reporters a video of him spanking his wife Melania, while she grunted “Go, good boy, you’re so good, so good, yeah, you’re the best, YEAH!”
One reporter from Fox News remarked after the briefing, "Yeah, he really showed them."


thespoof--2020-04-17--Roger Stone’s Yorkie Just Got Hosed

Roger Stone’s Yorkie Just Got Hosed

BILLINGSGATE POST : The noose just got tighter for Roger Stone .
Judge Amy Jackson Berman denied him a retrial .
The only man in the World with a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back is going to have to wait for President Trump to pardon him .
Judge Berman stated , “ That although the jury foreman hated President Trump , she hated former President Richard Nixon even more .
Therefore , she ( the foreman ) couldn ’ t possibly have held animus against the claimant , Roger Stone.
” The real loser in this comedy is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bianca .
It was she who saved her master from taking a Tomahawk Missile in the chops during the FBI ’ s unprecedented attack on his home last year .
Let me be clear .
The FBI was prepared to call for a Tomahawk Missile strike on the Stone compound if there was any resistance by Roger Stone ’ s Yorkie during the mission to apprehend the churlish scofflaw .
FBI spokesperson , Wilma Hedgehog , stated than any collateral damage to the neighborhood would have been “ well within the standards of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” To put this into perspective : Not since Dresden was fire bombed in 1945 has such wanton destruction been contemplated to achieve such a victory .
Reasonable people might argue that the collateral damage coefficient of destruction does not merit such a comparison..
But I suggest you explain that to Bianca .
When told that she had a potential bullseye on her chest , she replied ; “ That ’ s why I get fed Taste Of The Wild and not Purina Dog Chow .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: The noose just got tighter for Roger Stone. Judge Amy Jackson Berman denied him a retrial. The only man in the World with a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back is going to have to wait for President Trump to pardon him.
Judge Berman stated, “That although the jury foreman hated President Trump, she hated former President Richard Nixon even more. Therefore, she (the foreman) couldn’t possibly have held animus against the claimant, Roger Stone.”
The real loser in this comedy is Roger’s Yorkie, the irrepressible Bianca. It was she who saved her master from taking a Tomahawk Missile in the chops during the FBI’s unprecedented attack on his home last year.
Let me be clear. The FBI was prepared to call for a Tomahawk Missile strike on the Stone compound if there was any resistance by Roger Stone’s Yorkie during the mission to apprehend the churlish scofflaw.
FBI spokesperson, Wilma Hedgehog, stated than any collateral damage to the neighborhood would have been “well within the standards of localized devastation set by the Geneva Convention.”
To put this into perspective: Not since Dresden was fire bombed in 1945 has such wanton destruction been contemplated to achieve such a victory. Reasonable people might argue that the collateral damage coefficient of destruction does not merit such a comparison..
But I suggest you explain that to Bianca. When told that she had a potential bullseye on her chest, she replied; “That’s why I get fed Taste Of The Wild and not Purina Dog Chow.”
Slim: “Greater love hath no dog than this.” (John 15:13).
Dirty: Yo, Dude. Makes you wanna cry.”


thespoof--2020-04-17--Right-Wing "Pandemic Preppers" Pledge to Make America Germ-Free Again

Members of the right-wing movement known as the Pandemic Preppers , who have embraced COVID-19 and its trappings not just as a riveting national crisis but as a lifestyle , have tweaked the Trump “ MAGA ” motto to “ Make America germ-free again.
” Said proud Pandemic Prepper Polly Chase of Nashville , Tennessee , “ President Trump has done a great job with our current pandemic , and it ’ s just unfortunate that the liberal media spread rumors that there wasn ’ t enough testing done .
I happen to know that President Trump personally tested a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ every single one of them came out positive .
His standards could n't be more stringent . ''
She added that unlike Pandemic Preppers , who never leave their homes bare-faced , none of the infected people had been wearing face masks .
Mitch Miller of Louisville , Kentucky , explained that , thanks to their ever-present face masks , Pandemic Preppers tend to be less superficial than the general population , focusing less on such factors as facial appearance and body weight than on substantive qualities like face mask commitment and germaphobia @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our other motto is 'Face masks forever ! '
'' said Miller .
” A lot of us have never even seen each other 's full mugs .
Plenty of above-the-nose eye contact , though . ''
According to Miller , he and several other Pandemic Preppers are in the process of self-producing a YouTube video about COVID-19 as a lifestyle , to help spread the word about the Pandemic Prepper movement .
“ We ’ re hoping it will go , well , you know , viral , ” he said .

Members of the right-wing movement known as the Pandemic Preppers, who have embraced COVID-19 and its trappings not just as a riveting national crisis but as a lifestyle, have tweaked the Trump “MAGA” motto to “Make America germ-free again.”
Said proud Pandemic Prepper Polly Chase of Nashville, Tennessee, “President Trump has done a great job with our current pandemic, and it’s just unfortunate that the liberal media spread rumors that there wasn’t enough testing done. I happen to know that President Trump personally tested a number of Americans for COVID-19, and every single one of them came out positive. His standards couldn't be more stringent."
She added that unlike Pandemic Preppers, who never leave their homes bare-faced, none of the infected people had been wearing face masks.
Mitch Miller of Louisville, Kentucky, explained that, thanks to their ever-present face masks, Pandemic Preppers tend to be less superficial than the general population, focusing less on such factors as facial appearance and body weight than on substantive qualities like face mask commitment and germaphobia. “In addition to MAGA, our other motto is 'Face masks forever!'" said Miller. ”A lot of us have never even seen each other's full mugs. Plenty of above-the-nose eye contact, though."
According to Miller, he and several other Pandemic Preppers are in the process of self-producing a YouTube video about COVID-19 as a lifestyle, to help spread the word about the Pandemic Prepper movement. “We’re hoping it will go, well, you know, viral,” he said.


thespoof--2020-04-17--Terminally Ill Patients Resentful They’re Not Dying From Covid-19

( San Louis Obispo , California ) The endless media bombardment that has pummeled the public from the Coronavirus pandemic , has overwhelmed the majority of us .
Between continual news updates from social media , a cacophony of online broadcasts , and daily updates on news feeds supplying both computers and mobile devices , we all have an unhealthy obsession with the disease .
As the peak of the infection curve remains just out of sight , chances increase , every day , that every living person will know of somebody who has perished from Covid-19 .
Unfortunately , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and subsequent death toll , has overshadowed and left behind others who were considered tragic victims of other illnesses long before the pandemic began .
Vince Marlowe , a 37-year-old terminal patient , recently explained this in an interview .
“ You know , when I was diagnosed with inoperable stage four pancreatic cancer last November , and told I had six months to live , I looked forward to an endless , sad parade of well wishers with flowers , somber visiting clergy , and possibly even mending fences with my estranged @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , sighed , and as a slight tear began to roll down his cheek , continued : “ But now that all the cool people are hogging the limelight by dying from Covid-19 , I can ’ t catch a break .
Even my alienated father has stopped returning my texts with auto replies that state : ‘ Text me later when America opens up again , Frank.
’ I mean , look at my room - I have only one ‘ Get Well ’ card , and it ’ s for some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do n't even know !
I think it ’ s there because the night janitor felt bad for me , and dug it out of a wastebasket.
” Unfortunately , Vince had to cut the interview short to receive a nebulizer treatment and catheter change from a clearly distracted nurse , who was talking on the phone with a classmate who was lucky enough to get assigned to the Covid-19 wing of the hospital .
Young , terminally ill patients are also not immune to society ’ s sudden attention shift to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unchecked sickness and death .
Bobby Frisco , an eight-year-old diagnosed with a fatal brain tumor was a bit more remorseful : “ Sure , my life can end at any moment , but nobody seems to be paying attention .
The last text I got from my mother was ‘ Have a good day at summer camp , LOL.
’ ” Bobby grasped his head , grimaced in pain , and continued : “ And I was lucky enough to be selected for the Make a Wish Foundation , where I would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Harden , but all I got was this !
” Bobby produced a signed 8X10 glossy of The Big Bang Theory ’ s Mayim Bialik saying “ Good luck , Kevin !
” Bobby ’ s interview ended when a physical therapist entered the room to put a surgical mask on him , while watching Dr. Oz talk on his phone about relaxing social distancing on Fox News .
“ You ’ ll be up and walking in no time , Jeff , ” the therapist said as he left the room .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ conflagration that devastates more lives than just the people immediately exposed to its merciless tendrils .
Terry and Eric in this article are proof of this , an emerging sad reality : A new Lost America .

(San Louis Obispo, California) The endless media bombardment that has pummeled the public from the Coronavirus pandemic, has overwhelmed the majority of us. Between continual news updates from social media, a cacophony of online broadcasts, and daily updates on news feeds supplying both computers and mobile devices, we all have an unhealthy obsession with the disease. As the peak of the infection curve remains just out of sight, chances increase, every day, that every living person will know of somebody who has perished from Covid-19.
Unfortunately, this growing insatiable preoccupation with the disease and subsequent death toll, has overshadowed and left behind others who were considered tragic victims of other illnesses long before the pandemic began.
Vince Marlowe, a 37-year-old terminal patient, recently explained this in an interview. “You know, when I was diagnosed with inoperable stage four pancreatic cancer last November, and told I had six months to live, I looked forward to an endless, sad parade of well wishers with flowers, somber visiting clergy, and possibly even mending fences with my estranged father.”
Vince took a deep breath, sighed, and as a slight tear began to roll down his cheek, continued: “But now that all the cool people are hogging the limelight by dying from Covid-19, I can’t catch a break. Even my alienated father has stopped returning my texts with auto replies that state: ‘Text me later when America opens up again, Frank.’ I mean, look at my room - I have only one ‘Get Well’ card, and it’s for some guy named ‘Jimmy’ whom I don't even know! I think it’s there because the night janitor felt bad for me, and dug it out of a wastebasket.”
Unfortunately, Vince had to cut the interview short to receive a nebulizer treatment and catheter change from a clearly distracted nurse, who was talking on the phone with a classmate who was lucky enough to get assigned to the Covid-19 wing of the hospital.
Young, terminally ill patients are also not immune to society’s sudden attention shift to the pandemic currently leveling the Human Race with unchecked sickness and death. Bobby Frisco, an eight-year-old diagnosed with a fatal brain tumor was a bit more remorseful: “Sure, my life can end at any moment, but nobody seems to be paying attention. The last text I got from my mother was ‘Have a good day at summer camp, LOL.’”
Bobby grasped his head, grimaced in pain, and continued: “And I was lucky enough to be selected for the Make a Wish Foundation, where I would get to meet NBA basketball star James Harden, but all I got was this!” Bobby produced a signed 8X10 glossy of The Big Bang Theory’s Mayim Bialik saying “Good luck, Kevin!”
Bobby’s interview ended when a physical therapist entered the room to put a surgical mask on him, while watching Dr. Oz talk on his phone about relaxing social distancing on Fox News. “You’ll be up and walking in no time, Jeff,” the therapist said as he left the room.
The Coronavirus has shown it is a conflagration that devastates more lives than just the people immediately exposed to its merciless tendrils. Terry and Eric in this article are proof of this, an emerging sad reality: A new Lost America.


thespoof--2020-04-17--Hero Firefighters Save Man Trapped in Bedsheets

FIREFIGHTERS in Boston were called to a house , last week , after a man became tangled in his bedsheets .
It was the latest in a series of incidents being linked to the phenomenon , quantum entanglement .
The 45-year-old resident was finally released after a two-hour operation involving a 44-foot hydraulic extension ladder , thermal imaging cameras , hose , breathing apparatus , Oxy-Acetylene cutting equipment and a paperclip .
Fire Chief , Bob ‘ Hot Stuff ’ Ramores , said : “ It was a tricky one .
The bedroom was on the second floor , so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the window , and had to use sledgehammers to take away part of the wall to get all the equipment in .
`` Wearing breathing apparatus , we then entered the building , and located the victim with thermal imaging cameras .
We then cut away the bed , and gently unfolded the sheets , releasing the victim , who was taken to hospital.
” Chief Ramores faced criticism from residents , angry at the damage caused .
They say his men could have just used the stairs .
“ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ My team are professionals .
We train every day for different scenarios , and it ’ s damaging for morale if we don ’ t use all the gear.
” Meanwhile , the scientific community have turned their attention to the cause of this outbreak .
In the past three weeks , 83 incidents have been recorded of people who have become caught up in various objects .
People have had to be released from cutlery , car steering wheels , a garbage sack , a copy of Time magazine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the phenomenon claimed its first victim , last week , when a cat did not survive being untangled from its elderly owner .
Dr Heinz Strangeglove , professor of physics at the Mix-Plonk Institute said : “ Quantum entanglement occurs when electrons get intertwined , and we believe that the wide-range use of electronic devices is causing this phenomenon to spread to the large-scale world.
” “ It seems people are safe with straight things .
The problems start with curvy objects.
” BREAKING NEWS : Firefighters have been called to a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be the residence of Kim Kardashian .

FIREFIGHTERS in Boston were called to a house, last week, after a man became tangled in his bedsheets.
It was the latest in a series of incidents being linked to the phenomenon, quantum entanglement.
The 45-year-old resident was finally released after a two-hour operation involving a 44-foot hydraulic extension ladder, thermal imaging cameras, hose, breathing apparatus, Oxy-Acetylene cutting equipment and a paperclip.
Fire Chief, Bob ‘Hot Stuff’ Ramores, said: “It was a tricky one. The bedroom was on the second floor, so we extended the ladder to get to the window, and had to use sledgehammers to take away part of the wall to get all the equipment in.
"Wearing breathing apparatus, we then entered the building, and located the victim with thermal imaging cameras. We then cut away the bed, and gently unfolded the sheets, releasing the victim, who was taken to hospital.”
Chief Ramores faced criticism from residents, angry at the damage caused. They say his men could have just used the stairs.
“It’s disappointing to hear that,” he said. “My team are professionals. We train every day for different scenarios, and it’s damaging for morale if we don’t use all the gear.”
Meanwhile, the scientific community have turned their attention to the cause of this outbreak.
In the past three weeks, 83 incidents have been recorded of people who have become caught up in various objects. People have had to be released from cutlery, car steering wheels, a garbage sack, a copy of Time magazine, and a Snickers bar. Tragically, the phenomenon claimed its first victim, last week, when a cat did not survive being untangled from its elderly owner.
Dr Heinz Strangeglove, professor of physics at the Mix-Plonk Institute said: “Quantum entanglement occurs when electrons get intertwined, and we believe that the wide-range use of electronic devices is causing this phenomenon to spread to the large-scale world.”
“It seems people are safe with straight things. The problems start with curvy objects.”
BREAKING NEWS: Firefighters have been called to a house in Hidden Hills, California believed to be the residence of Kim Kardashian.


thespoof--2020-04-17--The Ku Klux Klan Advises Its Members To Use Thicker Hoods and Robes To Ward Off The C-19

VALDOSTA , Georgia – The Georgia Chapter of the KKK has sent out a newsletter with some vital info for their members .
The newsletter addresses the concern of the older members , who are becoming a bit nervous regarding the Coronavirus .
One member , Atticus `` Dixie Dude '' Baumgarner , stated that he likes the idea of the KKKers going to a thicker hood and robe .
He noted that his wife , Wanda Jo , took an old discarded bedspread and made him a real nice hood and robe ensemble .
Atticus said that the robe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ both even have a replica patch of the Confederate flag sewn in .
He did point out that the only drawback is that the robe weighs nine pounds , and smells like chewing tobacco , stale beer , and Absorbine Jr .
The Georgia chapter has cancelled all of its upcoming cross-burning festivities for the year , but it wants all of its members to be sure and mail in their monthly dues , since the KKK storage shed is running low on lumber , matches , cornbread mix , and Johnnie Walker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Red .

VALDOSTA, Georgia – The Georgia Chapter of the KKK has sent out a newsletter with some vital info for their members.
The newsletter addresses the concern of the older members, who are becoming a bit nervous regarding the Coronavirus.
One member, Atticus "Dixie Dude" Baumgarner, stated that he likes the idea of the KKKers going to a thicker hood and robe.
He noted that his wife, Wanda Jo, took an old discarded bedspread and made him a real nice hood and robe ensemble.
Atticus said that the robe and hood both look great, and both even have a replica patch of the Confederate flag sewn in.
He did point out that the only drawback is that the robe weighs nine pounds, and smells like chewing tobacco, stale beer, and Absorbine Jr.
The Georgia chapter has cancelled all of its upcoming cross-burning festivities for the year, but it wants all of its members to be sure and mail in their monthly dues, since the KKK storage shed is running low on lumber, matches, cornbread mix, and Johnnie Walker Black, ahh make that Johnnie Walker Red.


thespoof--2020-04-17--President Trump States That There Isn’t a Racist Bone Spur in His Body

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Trump spoke with Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson and informed him that , contrary to what @ @ @ @ @ out , he is not a racist .
He pointed out that he has never @ @ @ @ @ that he is probably the least racist of any president in history , including Francis @ @ @ @ @ said that Dr. Yang Fu Fi , his personal doctor , examined him recently , @ @ @ @ @ could not find a racist bone spur anywhere on his huge body .
Tucker told @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s that Pelosi woman who is spreading those viciously vicious rumors about him @ @ @ @ @ allegedly said that the president still calls Stormy Daniels every once in a while .
@ @ @ @ @ Pelosi also said that Trump ’ s belly has gotten so fat , that he @ @ @ @ @ dickie poo unless he has a hand mirror .
POTUS commented that he does not @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Trump spoke with Fox News anchor Tucker Carlson and informed him that, contrary to what the Never-Trump Organization is putting out, he is not a racist.
He pointed out that he has never been a racist, and that he is probably the least racist of any president in history, including Francis Scott Key.
The president said that Dr. Yang Fu Fi, his personal doctor, examined him recently, and told him that he could not find a racist bone spur anywhere on his huge body.
Tucker told him that he believes that it’s that Pelosi woman who is spreading those viciously vicious rumors about him.
Carlson said that Pelosi allegedly said that the president still calls Stormy Daniels every once in a while.
“That’s a damn lie!” yelled Trump. “I deleted her cell phone number 13 years ago.”
Tucker then informed him that Pelosi also said that Trump’s belly has gotten so fat, that he can no longer see his dickie poo unless he has a hand mirror.
POTUS commented that he does not own a hand mirror.


thespoof--2020-04-17--Covid-19 Strands Pedestrian at Traffic Light

Los Angeles , CA .
Andy Cooperson reporting for The Spoof .
The Kingston Trio has n't written a song about him - yet - but the unnamed Angeleno who has been standing at the corner of Figueroa and 8th street since early yesterday , waiting for the pedestrian signal to turn green , has become the latest victim of the coronavirus .
His wife fears he may never return , like the guy who could n't get off the MTA .
In the wee hours of Thursday morning , the Los Angeles street department , as a virus precaution @ @ @ @ @ @ @ actuators , informing walkers that they were not to touch the walk button .
That was all right at those intersections where the `` Walk '' light automatically came on when traffic moved in the same direction , but at Fig , as the locals call it , and 8th , the pedestrian light only activates when someone pushes the button .
Our unidentified walker has dutifully waited for the light to turn green so that he can cross Fig .
Urged to walk up a block to 7th , where pedestrians get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ insisting that he had a right to cross at 8th .
When it was suggested that he take out his pencil and push the button with the eraser end , he said he had to obey the sign .
Volunteers from `` Meals on Wheels '' have been delivering food .
He has reluctantly used the restroom in a nearby office building , always fearful that the green light will turn on while he 's tinkling .
The weatherman has predicted rain and thunderstorms for the city beginning tonight , and a nearby @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , his wife brought an umbrella for him .

Los Angeles, CA. Andy Cooperson reporting for The Spoof. The Kingston Trio hasn't written a song about him - yet - but the unnamed Angeleno who has been standing at the corner of Figueroa and 8th street since early yesterday, waiting for the pedestrian signal to turn green, has become the latest victim of the coronavirus. His wife fears he may never return, like the guy who couldn't get off the MTA.
In the wee hours of Thursday morning, the Los Angeles street department, as a virus precaution, posted signs on pedestrian traffic light actuators, informing walkers that they were not to touch the walk button. That was all right at those intersections where the "Walk" light automatically came on when traffic moved in the same direction, but at Fig, as the locals call it, and 8th, the pedestrian light only activates when someone pushes the button.
Our unidentified walker has dutifully waited for the light to turn green so that he can cross Fig. Urged to walk up a block to 7th, where pedestrians get an automatic green, he refused, insisting that he had a right to cross at 8th. When it was suggested that he take out his pencil and push the button with the eraser end, he said he had to obey the sign.
Volunteers from "Meals on Wheels" have been delivering food. He has reluctantly used the restroom in a nearby office building, always fearful that the green light will turn on while he's tinkling.
The weatherman has predicted rain and thunderstorms for the city beginning tonight, and a nearby homeless contingent has offered shelter.
Instead, his wife brought an umbrella for him.


thespoof--2020-04-17--Louisiana Pastor Asks Followers to Send their Stimulus Checks to Churches Instead of Buying Food!

Tony Spell , the pastor at the Life Tabernacle Church in Central , Louisiana , believes his fellow pastors need your COVID-19 stimulus money more than you do .
Reporting shows that Spell has started a campaign called “ # PastorSpellStimulusChallenge ” in which followers are encouraged to send money they ’ ve received from the government as part of the federal stimulus package to evangelists and missionaries .
Spell claims that he and his wife are both donating their personal checks to churches in need instead of using it to pay for food , although he did not initially @ @ @ @ @ @ @ His challenge also doesn ’ t seem to consider many people are in desperate need of their stimulus money for food , rent or bills , ” notes one critic of the proclamation .
Spell has become a lightning rod for controversy after he defied bans on large-scale gatherings by holding packed services in his church during the COVID-19 pandemic .
Spell also told his followers not to be afraid of dying from the virus , and even said that “ death is a welcomed friend ” for true believers .
What is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is not satire , but all true .
We can only hope that Pastor Spell succumbs to his “ welcomed friend ” before he does more damage .
It is real news like this that make our jobs as writers of satire so much harder to do .

Tony Spell, the pastor at the Life Tabernacle Church in Central, Louisiana, believes his fellow pastors need your COVID-19 stimulus money more than you do.
Reporting shows that Spell has started a campaign called “#PastorSpellStimulusChallenge” in which followers are encouraged to send money they’ve received from the government as part of the federal stimulus package to evangelists and missionaries.
Spell claims that he and his wife are both donating their personal checks to churches in need instead of using it to pay for food, although he did not initially offer proof of doing so.
“His challenge also doesn’t seem to consider many people are in desperate need of their stimulus money for food, rent or bills,” notes one critic of the proclamation.
Spell has become a lightning rod for controversy after he defied bans on large-scale gatherings by holding packed services in his church during the COVID-19 pandemic.
Spell also told his followers not to be afraid of dying from the virus, and even said that “death is a welcomed friend” for true believers.
What is ironic about this story is that it is not satire, but all true. We can only hope that Pastor Spell succumbs to his “welcomed friend” before he does more damage.
It is real news like this that make our jobs as writers of satire so much harder to do.


thespoof--2020-04-18--Progressives Explain It’s Not Martial Law, It’s Viral Law

After years of questioning United States President Donald Trump ’ s sweeping use of executive powers and internationally provocative militarism , American progressives , thanks to COVID-19 , have embraced a sweeping infringement of civil liberties , explaining that it 's not martial law .
It 's viral law .
`` We ’ re at war with a virus , and we need to do everything we can to get this thing under control . ''
explained 66-year-old Don Mason of Newport , Rhode Island , a lifelong Democrat who is no longer allowed to live on the sailboat he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keeps docked at a Newport marina .
Due to concerns about the coronavirus , the State of Rhode Island has prohibited Mason from sleeping on the 38-foot vessel he 's owned since 1992 .
`` They are letting me take her out during the day , though , which I think is extremely generous , ” he said .
Until the indefinite date that he ’ s allowed to return to his floating home , Mason has been sleeping in a friend ’ s garage - practicing diligent social distancing , of course @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have let me come stay with her , but right now the regulations are very strict as to who can enter the state , '' he said .
`` Which is good .
We need strong borders right now - in the progressive , American sense , that is .
Not the Trump wall sense.
” Democratic voter Kelsey Freeman of New York City , a former server who is job-hunting after losing her position due to COVID-19-related restaurant closings , has included her negative coronavirus status on her updated curriculum vitae .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ own test , but I felt it was a worthwhile investment , ” she said .
“ It ’ s going to be important to start distinguishing between the acceptable people who are safe to be around , and those who need to be quarantined well away from the rest of society .
Kind of like apartheid , but of course nothing like that , because this is a medical thing .
And this is America.
” And Green Party member Shannon Belmont of Wellesley , Massachusetts , who has been working from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mid-March , is hoping that her company will require all employees to be tested for COVID-19 before physically returning to the workplace – whenever that might be .
“ I managed to get tested , and I ’ d like that to be documented and to go on my record , ” she said .
“ I ’ m negative .
Can you be sure to include that in this story , please , in case they see it ? ''

After years of questioning United States President Donald Trump’s sweeping use of executive powers and internationally provocative militarism, American progressives, thanks to COVID-19, have embraced a sweeping infringement of civil liberties, explaining that it's not martial law. It's viral law.
"We’re at war with a virus, and we need to do everything we can to get this thing under control." explained 66-year-old Don Mason of Newport, Rhode Island, a lifelong Democrat who is no longer allowed to live on the sailboat he used to call home, which he keeps docked at a Newport marina. Due to concerns about the coronavirus, the State of Rhode Island has prohibited Mason from sleeping on the 38-foot vessel he's owned since 1992. "They are letting me take her out during the day, though, which I think is extremely generous,” he said.
Until the indefinite date that he’s allowed to return to his floating home, Mason has been sleeping in a friend’s garage - practicing diligent social distancing, of course. “My sister in Florida would have let me come stay with her, but right now the regulations are very strict as to who can enter the state," he said. "Which is good. We need strong borders right now - in the progressive, American sense, that is. Not the Trump wall sense.”
Democratic voter Kelsey Freeman of New York City, a former server who is job-hunting after losing her position due to COVID-19-related restaurant closings, has included her negative coronavirus status on her updated curriculum vitae. “I had to pay for my own test, but I felt it was a worthwhile investment,” she said. “It’s going to be important to start distinguishing between the acceptable people who are safe to be around, and those who need to be quarantined well away from the rest of society. Kind of like apartheid, but of course nothing like that, because this is a medical thing. And this is America.”
And Green Party member Shannon Belmont of Wellesley, Massachusetts, who has been working from home since the coronavirus pandemic hit in mid-March, is hoping that her company will require all employees to be tested for COVID-19 before physically returning to the workplace – whenever that might be. “I managed to get tested, and I’d like that to be documented and to go on my record,” she said. “I’m negative. Can you be sure to include that in this story, please, in case they see it?"


thespoof--2020-04-19--The Duck Dynasty Amusement Theme Park to Shut Down Due to the Coronavirus

WEST MONROE , Louisiana – Phil Robertson the patriarch of the famed Duck Dynasty clan has just informed the media that , after 5 years , the famous amusement park will be shutting down .
Robertson stated that , with the spread of the Coronavirus , it has become more and more difficult to attract visitors .
He said that the attendance has gone from 1,300 a day down to just 17 , or so .
He added that they had even slashed the one-day admission ticket prices from $ 89 for adults and $ 82 for kids , down @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cents for kids .
'Rob ' said that he hates to have to lay-off every one of the 713 employees , but he did point out that he will be giving each and everyone a Walmart gift certificate for $ 35 , as well as a genuine Duck Dynasty Duck Whistle .
Over the five years that the amusement park was in operation , the Live Gator Ride was by far the park ’ s biggest attraction .
Robertson pointed out that , in those five years , they had six people get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that two of those who got bit had been warned by park employees not to taunt the gators , but the hard-headed fellas did it anyway .
Miss Kay , who is Robertson ’ s wife , said that she feels sorry for all of the little kid visitors who absolutely loved the park ’ s petting zoo which included crawfish , harmless snakes , bayou beavers , and baby gators .
Phil Robertson , who is a die-hard President Trump supporter , remarked that he recently spoke with the president , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ back in operation before The Indianapolis 500 Race .

WEST MONROE, Louisiana – Phil Robertson the patriarch of the famed Duck Dynasty clan has just informed the media that, after 5 years, the famous amusement park will be shutting down.
Robertson stated that, with the spread of the Coronavirus, it has become more and more difficult to attract visitors.
He said that the attendance has gone from 1,300 a day down to just 17, or so.
He added that they had even slashed the one-day admission ticket prices from $89 for adults and $82 for kids, down to $2 for adults and 45 cents for kids.
'Rob' said that he hates to have to lay-off every one of the 713 employees, but he did point out that he will be giving each and everyone a Walmart gift certificate for $35, as well as a genuine Duck Dynasty Duck Whistle.
Over the five years that the amusement park was in operation, the Live Gator Ride was by far the park’s biggest attraction.
Robertson pointed out that, in those five years, they had six people get bit by the gators. He noted that two of those who got bit had been warned by park employees not to taunt the gators, but the hard-headed fellas did it anyway.
Miss Kay, who is Robertson’s wife, said that she feels sorry for all of the little kid visitors who absolutely loved the park’s petting zoo which included crawfish, harmless snakes, bayou beavers, and baby gators.
Phil Robertson, who is a die-hard President Trump supporter, remarked that he recently spoke with the president, and was assured that the park would be back in operation before The Indianapolis 500 Race.


thespoof--2020-04-19--Immigrants are Jumping The Border Wall and Returning Home at a Record Rate

EL PASO – The Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency has just released some amazing statistics .
They are pointing out that , just since the Coronavirus hit the USA , the amount of illegal immigrants who are opting to return to their homes south of the border has skyrocketed by 900 percent .
The majority of the south-bound travelers are from the Central American countries of Guatemala , El Salvador , and Honduras .
One Guatemalan said , through an interpreter , that he was working up in Michigan , installing windshield wiper fluid containers on brand new Ford Fort @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he resigned his job and took a Greyhound bus to El Paso .
He said that it was definitely ‘ Adios , USA ’ for him .
The man , who would not give his name , did say that he was making $ 23 an hour plus medical , dental , and a free membership to Gold ’ s Gym .
He commented that he saved a lot of his paycheck , and he will be able to return to his hometown of Chimaltenango , Guatemala , and will not have to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Meanwhile , his wife , who said her name was Panchita Juanita de la Hola , said that she will return to 'Chima ' and open up a 24-hour diet tamale shop .

EL PASO – The Immigration and Customs Enforcement Agency has just released some amazing statistics.
They are pointing out that, just since the Coronavirus hit the USA, the amount of illegal immigrants who are opting to return to their homes south of the border has skyrocketed by 900 percent.
The majority of the south-bound travelers are from the Central American countries of Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras.
One Guatemalan said, through an interpreter, that he was working up in Michigan, installing windshield wiper fluid containers on brand new Ford Fort Worth SUVs, but he said that he resigned his job and took a Greyhound bus to El Paso.
He said that it was definitely ‘Adios, USA’ for him. The man, who would not give his name, did say that he was making $23 an hour plus medical, dental, and a free membership to Gold’s Gym.
He commented that he saved a lot of his paycheck, and he will be able to return to his hometown of Chimaltenango, Guatemala, and will not have to work for at least 16 months.
Meanwhile, his wife, who said her name was Panchita Juanita de la Hola, said that she will return to 'Chima' and open up a 24-hour diet tamale shop.


thespoof--2020-04-19--Food Banks State That They Will No Longer Be Giving Out Beer, Cigarettes, or Sushi

LOS ANGELES – Just since the start of COVID-19 thousands of food banks have sprouted up all over the nation , with California leading the way with 809 ( at last count ) .
Some food banks , like the one in La Brea , home of the world-famous Tar Pits , are reporting lines as long as 3.2 miles .
The director of the La Brea Food Bank , Winona “ Winnie ” Wickachek , stated that she has never seen so much automobile exhaust .
Mrs. Wickachek remarked that the food bank opens its doors at 7 am @ @ @ @ @ @ @ forming a full 12 hours before that .
She commented that they have had only had two cases of parking lot rage .
One man who was in a wheelchair tried to cut in front of 83 vehicles , and an old woman in a walker began cussing at him .
The man just simply laughed , because she was cussing in Eggrollian Chinese , and he had no idea what the hell she was screaming .
Finally , a police officer escorted the wheelchair bound man to the front of the line @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shoot the woman in the walker in her big toe .
Wickachek said that the bulk of the items that they are giving out are bread , milk , eggs , and yogurt .
She did make it known that , due to some complaints , the food bank will no longer be giving out beer , cigarettes , or sushi .

LOS ANGELES – Just since the start of COVID-19 thousands of food banks have sprouted up all over the nation, with California leading the way with 809 (at last count).
Some food banks, like the one in La Brea, home of the world-famous Tar Pits, are reporting lines as long as 3.2 miles.
The director of the La Brea Food Bank, Winona “Winnie” Wickachek, stated that she has never seen so much automobile exhaust.
Mrs. Wickachek remarked that the food bank opens its doors at 7 am, but said that the lines start forming a full 12 hours before that.
She commented that they have had only had two cases of parking lot rage. One man who was in a wheelchair tried to cut in front of 83 vehicles, and an old woman in a walker began cussing at him.
The man just simply laughed, because she was cussing in Eggrollian Chinese, and he had no idea what the hell she was screaming.
Finally, a police officer escorted the wheelchair bound man to the front of the line. He then returned and threatened to shoot the woman in the walker in her big toe.
Wickachek said that the bulk of the items that they are giving out are bread, milk, eggs, and yogurt.
She did make it known that, due to some complaints, the food bank will no longer be giving out beer, cigarettes, or sushi.


thespoof--2020-04-17--Man Impresses During First Remote Zoom Meeting on Bring Your Pet to Work Day

( Raleigh , North Carolina ) Piper Industries , an up-and-coming tech firm located in Raleigh , North Carolina , conducted its much-hyped first work-from-home Zoom meeting on the company ’ s traditional “ Bring Your Pet to Work ” day .
Richard `` Big Head '' Bighetti , a data entry clerk for Piper , does not own a pet , but found a way to participate in the spirit of the day , and do his part to boost company morale in these uncertain times .
“ I lost a lot of sleep the night before the meeting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I am new to the company , and needed to make a good impression to be accepted as part of the team.
” Big Head continued , “ My wife was at first reluctant to participate in what I had in mind , but came around when I promised not only to do the laundry for a day , but also stop masturbating in the shower after stalking her sister on Instagram.
” He continued : “ When the Zoom meetings started , I presented her as my ‘ pet ’ , sitting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shame.
” Beaming , he then said , “ She was such a hit , and so much more attractive than my coworkers ’ selections of mutts and half-breeds .
One even had an English Bull Terrier !
My god !
have you seen those ?
Ugly as sin !
” He added : “ I am not sure why they kept asking me to pan the camera down .
It was odd because they didn ’ t ask any of the other pet owners to do that ... maybe they wanted to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to eat out of.
” Big Head added , “ I was so excited over the glowing reception I received during this first meeting ; I can ’ t wait for next week !
” he exuded .
“ It ’ s bring your child to work day , and I no longer have any kids .
My plan is to bring an urn with the ashes of my son who died from leukemia three years ago .
That should be fun !
” UPDATE : Since first airing this story a week @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is suddenly getting invited to Zoom meetings with companies he has never heard of , and hit up on Instagram from women wearing spiked collars attached to heavy leather leashes .

(Raleigh, North Carolina) Piper Industries, an up-and-coming tech firm located in Raleigh, North Carolina, conducted its much-hyped first work-from-home Zoom meeting on the company’s traditional “Bring Your Pet to Work” day. Richard "Big Head" Bighetti, a data entry clerk for Piper, does not own a pet, but found a way to participate in the spirit of the day, and do his part to boost company morale in these uncertain times.
“I lost a lot of sleep the night before the meeting,” said Big Head. “I am new to the company, and needed to make a good impression to be accepted as part of the team.” Big Head continued, “My wife was at first reluctant to participate in what I had in mind, but came around when I promised not only to do the laundry for a day, but also stop masturbating in the shower after stalking her sister on Instagram.”
He continued: “When the Zoom meetings started, I presented her as my ‘pet’, sitting next to me with her collar of shame.” Beaming, he then said, “She was such a hit, and so much more attractive than my coworkers’ selections of mutts and half-breeds. One even had an English Bull Terrier! My god! have you seen those? Ugly as sin!” He added: “I am not sure why they kept asking me to pan the camera down. It was odd because they didn’t ask any of the other pet owners to do that...maybe they wanted to see the bowl I was forcing her to eat out of.”
Big Head added, “I was so excited over the glowing reception I received during this first meeting; I can’t wait for next week!” he exuded. “It’s bring your child to work day, and I no longer have any kids. My plan is to bring an urn with the ashes of my son who died from leukemia three years ago. That should be fun!”
UPDATE: Since first airing this story a week ago, Big Head reports that he is suddenly getting invited to Zoom meetings with companies he has never heard of, and hit up on Instagram from women wearing spiked collars attached to heavy leather leashes.


thespoof--2020-04-19--CDC Warns that Coronavirus May Linger on Petals, So Don’t Stop and Smell the Roses

Noting that the novel coronavirus can linger on surfaces like flower petals for up to 17 hours , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned people not to stop and smell the roses , even though they could die at any moment from COVID-19 .
“ Some of our advice is counter-intuitive , which is why it ’ s so important to continuously stay attuned to the news , ” said CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield .
“ That bit you miss could be what could have saved your life.
” He added , “ Unless you already had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which case you were doomed regardless.
” Redfield emphasized that the rose petal coronavirus warning may be particularly important for people who , unemployed and at loose ends since the nearly worldwide lockdown went into effect , had been taking the time to do things like stop and smell the roses .
“ What they really need to stop doing is going outside at all , ” he said .
“ Nature is an extremely dangerous place .
And COVID-19 is n't the only virus out there.
” Redfield urged people to remain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unprecedented pandemic claims the lives of countless unsuspecting souls around the globe , some of whose grave mistake of sniffing unsanitized flora without a face mask ended up taking them to their literal graves .
“ In these darkest of times , a positive attitude can make all the difference , ” he said .

Cautioning that the novel coronavirus can linger on surfaces like flower petals for up to 17 hours, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned people not to stop and smell the roses, even though they could die at any moment from COVID-19.
“Some of our advice is counter-intuitive, which is why it’s so important to continuously stay attuned to the news,” said CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield. “That bit you miss could be what could have saved your life.”
He added, “Unless you already had the virus, of course. In which case you were doomed regardless.”
Redfield emphasized that the rose petal coronavirus warning may be particularly important for people who, unemployed and at loose ends since the nearly worldwide lockdown went into effect, had been taking the time to do things like stop and smell the roses. “What they really need to stop doing is going outside at all,” he said. “Nature is an extremely dangerous place. And COVID-19 isn't the only virus out there.”
Redfield urged people to remain optimistic and emotionally balanced, as the unprecedented pandemic claims the lives of countless unsuspecting souls around the globe, some of whose grave mistake of sniffing unsanitized flora without a face mask ended up taking them to their literal graves. “In these darkest of times, a positive attitude can make all the difference,” he said.


thespoof--2020-04-19--Ted Kaczynski Finds Rebirth and New Relevance in Shadow of Coronavirus Pandemic

( ADX Florence , Colorado ) Ted Kaczynski , also known as the “ Unabomber ” for his twenty-year domestic terrorism record of sending explosive bombs to random people and penning a 35,000-word essay against technology , has found a new relevance in this age of the Coronavirus pandemic .
Masterclass , an online education platform that allows students to learn subjects from well-established and famous purveyors of their fields , released two courses featuring Mr. Kaczynski , who met the requirements as a 1962 Harvard graduate .
Since the Coronavirus pandemic has forced many Americans to shelter at home @ @ @ @ @ @ @ both classes have risen to be among the top ten “ most popular ” celebrity provided courses on the site .
“ Carefully Packaging Your Science Experiment for Shipment ” and “ Writing a Manifesto You Can Be Proud Of ” have seen major uptake by tens of thousands of students from around the country .
Job Bechler , a West Virginia-based coal mine operator , recently spoke with us .
`` Yeah , I ain ’ t tellin ’ you libtard press folk what I may be doin ’ with either of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but Ted has definitely helped me with my writin ' .
He even got me to buy The Elements of Style by Strunk and White 'cuz of what he said : ‘ If they literally can ’ t understand your writing , they ’ ll ignore you as a lunatic redneck.
’ '' First off , I ain ’ t no redneck , I ’ m a hillbilly , and my manifesto better get read .
Them libtards in Congress need to know America was built on the backs of hard workin ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as you know , are back and ‘ merica needs us.
” Speaking over a noisy phone from his prison ’ s common area , Mr. Kaczynski spoke candidly .
“ Sure , I recognize the irony of using the internet to deliver my subjects , but Masterclass made me an offer I couldn ’ t refuse : a carton of cigarettes delivered each week that I could use to barter for my life while I am in the shower or the ‘ yard .
Plus , it seems there has been a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did since the end of 2016 .
Seems like my kind are coming out of the woodwork !
” Mr. Kaczynski suddenly had to drop the phone ; we could hear him plead not to be shivved by somebody named “ T-Bone ” before the call was disconnected .
While the Coronavirus pandemic has forced the manay of a quarantined population into dealing with endless free time and an uncertain future , Masterclass and professional mentors like Mr. Kaczynski are helping many realize their dreams .

(ADX Florence, Colorado) Ted Kaczynski, also known as the “Unabomber” for his twenty-year domestic terrorism record of sending explosive bombs to random people and penning a 35,000-word essay against technology, has found a new relevance in this age of the Coronavirus pandemic.
Masterclass, an online education platform that allows students to learn subjects from well-established and famous purveyors of their fields, released two courses featuring Mr. Kaczynski, who met the requirements as a 1962 Harvard graduate. Since the Coronavirus pandemic has forced many Americans to shelter at home for an indefinite period of time, both classes have risen to be among the top ten “most popular” celebrity provided courses on the site.
“Carefully Packaging Your Science Experiment for Shipment” and “Writing a Manifesto You Can Be Proud Of” have seen major uptake by tens of thousands of students from around the country. Job Bechler, a West Virginia-based coal mine operator, recently spoke with us. "Yeah, I ain’t tellin’ you libtard press folk what I may be doin’ with either of them classes I am learnin’, but Ted has definitely helped me with my writin'. He even got me to buy The Elements of Style by Strunk and White 'cuz of what he said: ‘If they literally can’t understand your writing, they’ll ignore you as a lunatic redneck.’
"First off, I ain’t no redneck, I’m a hillbilly, and my manifesto better get read. Them libtards in Congress need to know America was built on the backs of hard workin’ coal miners, and coal miners, as you know, are back and ‘merica needs us.”
Speaking over a noisy phone from his prison’s common area, Mr. Kaczynski spoke candidly. “Sure, I recognize the irony of using the internet to deliver my subjects, but Masterclass made me an offer I couldn’t refuse: a carton of cigarettes delivered each week that I could use to barter for my life while I am in the shower or the ‘yard. Plus, it seems there has been a real resurgence in learning about what I did since the end of 2016. Seems like my kind are coming out of the woodwork!” Mr. Kaczynski suddenly had to drop the phone; we could hear him plead not to be shivved by somebody named “T-Bone” before the call was disconnected.
While the Coronavirus pandemic has forced the manay of a quarantined population into dealing with endless free time and an uncertain future, Masterclass and professional mentors like Mr. Kaczynski are helping many realize their dreams.


thespoof--2020-04-18--Joe Biden Picks Dykes On Bikes Member As Running Mate

BILLINGSGATE POST : During the past week , a number of very prominent women - all politicians - have had their names mentioned as possible choices for Joe Biden as running mates .
Among those mentioned were Pocahontas , Kamala ( Breath ) Harris and Stacy ( Tank ) Abrams .
The forward vision of Joe Biden has never been questioned .
It ’ s his memory that causes concern to those that listen to him disassemble fact as he creates fiction .
Yesterday , he announced his choice as running mate .
In doing so , he went beyond @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Citing the lack of diversity in previous administrations , he chose a member of the San Francisco Branch of Dykes on Bikes , With his penchant for sneaking up on unsuspecting women and sniffing their hair , he was immediately attracted to Emma Winesap , a charter member of the Dykes on Bikes in San Francisco .
Emma is also a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence , a local group of fallen Nuns who help each other help themselves to the bare necessities of life : booze , drugs and sex @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ clock shadow , her bouffant-styled blond hair was an immediate turn-on for Biden .
She said she would be honored to serve with him , and said she couldn ’ t wait to face-off with Vice-President Pence in a debate .
Slim : “ All bets are off .
Looks like she could make a real difference.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
Are you sure that ’ s not Phyllis Diller ?
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: During the past week, a number of very prominent women - all politicians - have had their names mentioned as possible choices for Joe Biden as running mates. Among those mentioned were Pocahontas, Kamala (Breath) Harris and Stacy (Tank) Abrams.
The forward vision of Joe Biden has never been questioned. It’s his memory that causes concern to those that listen to him disassemble fact as he creates fiction.
Yesterday, he announced his choice as running mate. In doing so, he went beyond, far beyond, conventional wisdom. Citing the lack of diversity in previous administrations, he chose a member of the San Francisco Branch of Dykes on Bikes,
With his penchant for sneaking up on unsuspecting women and sniffing their hair, he was immediately attracted to Emma Winesap, a charter member of the Dykes on Bikes in San Francisco. Emma is also a member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, a local group of fallen Nuns who help each other help themselves to the bare necessities of life: booze, drugs and sex.
Although Emma has a five o’clock shadow, her bouffant-styled blond hair was an immediate turn-on for Biden.
She said she would be honored to serve with him, and said she couldn’t wait to face-off with Vice-President Pence in a debate.
Slim: “All bets are off. Looks like she could make a real difference.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Are you sure that’s not Phyllis Diller?”


thespoof--2020-04-20--Trump announces Strategic Toilet Roll Stockpile

In his daily COVID-19 address to the nation , President Donald Trump announced plans to assemble a U S. strategic stockpile of toilet rolls to deal with future pandemics .
Speaking from his private , 20-feet by 20-feet White House toilet stateroom with a gold-plated bidet embossed with a framed picture of wife Melanoma , Trump stated , `` Good morning , my fellow Americans , from the greatest country on earth , provided you 're stinking rich and white like me ...
I have a very , very , terribly important announcement to make , very , very important @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the COVAD ...
I mean COVUD ...
I mean that stinking germ thing the Chinese turned out of their labrarat ... .
labrarar ... .
just turned out , you know what I 'm refering to ... it 's become obvious that toilet rolls are more valuable than oil during a Panda mic ...
I mean pamdenic ... you know , when lots and many , many poor people die 'coz they ca n't access health care.. that 's Obama 's problem not mine ...
So I 've decided to start buying up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of toilet rolls and storing them in underground awickfers , aquikers ... you know those big holes in the ground where we used to keep oil .
So the next time those Chinese Commo liars deliberately let loose another very , very , terribly big germ thing , the United States of America will be able to stand ... .
well , sit , on its own two feet and no American on my watch will ever again be forced to wipe their butt with a copy of the New York Times.. although @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can do with all that very , very , terribly fake news , fake , fake news . ''
After a long pause , the President finished his announcement by saying , `` When this germ thing is over , I plan to shirtfront that lying Chinese leader guy , See Imkingpin and I 'll get him to personally , very , very personally pay for all these toilet rolls , and I may put a 1 million percent tariff on imports of Chinese toilet paper just to show him who 's the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ much . ''

In his daily COVID-19 address to the nation, President Donald Trump announced plans to assemble a U S. strategic stockpile of toilet rolls to deal with future pandemics.
Speaking from his private, 20-feet by 20-feet White House toilet stateroom with a gold-plated bidet embossed with a framed picture of wife Melanoma, Trump stated, "Good morning, my fellow Americans, from the greatest country on earth, provided you're stinking rich and white like me ... I have a very, very, terribly important announcement to make, very, very important. Over the last few weeks of the COVAD... I mean COVUD... I mean that stinking germ thing the Chinese turned out of their labrarat.... labrarar.... just turned out, you know what I'm refering to ... it's become obvious that toilet rolls are more valuable than oil during a Panda mic... I mean pamdenic... you know, when lots and many, many poor people die 'coz they can't access health care.. that's Obama's problem not mine... So I've decided to start buying up millions and very much lots and lots of toilet rolls and storing them in underground awickfers, aquikers... you know those big holes in the ground where we used to keep oil. So the next time those Chinese Commo liars deliberately let loose another very, very, terribly big germ thing, the United States of America will be able to stand.... well, sit, on its own two feet and no American on my watch will ever again be forced to wipe their butt with a copy of the New York Times.. although that's probably the best thing you can do with all that very, very, terribly fake news, fake, fake news."
After a long pause, the President finished his announcement by saying, "When this germ thing is over, I plan to shirtfront that lying Chinese leader guy, See Imkingpin and I'll get him to personally, very, very personally pay for all these toilet rolls, and I may put a 1 million percent tariff on imports of Chinese toilet paper just to show him who's the boss around here. Thank you very much."