thespoof--2020-02-29--Some Points About The Coronavirus and Tax Refunds That Trump Is Telling His Republican Supporters

WILDWOOD , New Jersey – President Trump was speaking to a huge crowd of GOPers at The Benedict Arnold Middle School gymnasium in Wildwood , New Jersey .
He threw out red MAGA caps to the crowd , and was shocked when he saw one of the caps get thrown back at him .
He quickly had the anti-Trumper escorted out of the gym , and forced to go sit in the principal ’ s office .
Trump fired up the crowd by telling them that his doctors had just informed him that he will live to be 102 or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
He then said that he may be naming son Donald Jr ’ s. , 'sexylicious ' girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle to head up the newly-formed U.S. Department of GOP Women .
The crowd went wild and began chanting , `` Kim-is-hot !
Kim-is-hot !
Kim- is-hot ! ''
The president made the thumbs-up gesture , and said , “ You ’ ve got that right , I swear that woman has got a fine gorgeous pair of legs on her…don ’ t tell Melania I said this , but Kimmy ’ s long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to way out yonder.
” And , again , the crowd exploded in enthusiastic cheers .
He then told his supporters not to worry about the coronavirus , because Republicans can not catch it .
He noted that conservatives have a much stronger defense system than Democrats and Independents .
He then informed them that , this year , tax refunds for poor registered Republican voters will go up from an average of $ 115 to an average of $ 6,245 .
The crowd cheered , “ Re-funds !
Re-funds !
Re-funds !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s tests for the virus had come back negative , and the crowd began chanting , “ Neg-a-tive !
Neg-a-tive !
Neg-a-tive !
” IN CLOSING - One lifelong GOPer who says he is currently sitting on the fence , told a reporter for CNN , “ Man oh man , I ’ m 94 years old , and I have never , ever heard so much freakin ' bullshit !
”

WILDWOOD, New Jersey – President Trump was speaking to a huge crowd of GOPers at The Benedict Arnold Middle School gymnasium in Wildwood, New Jersey.
He threw out red MAGA caps to the crowd, and was shocked when he saw one of the caps get thrown back at him. He quickly had the anti-Trumper escorted out of the gym, and forced to go sit in the principal’s office.
Trump fired up the crowd by telling them that his doctors had just informed him that he will live to be 102 or 103. The crowd cheered like crazy. He then said that he may be naming son Donald Jr’s., 'sexylicious' girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle to head up the newly-formed U.S. Department of GOP Women.
The crowd went wild and began chanting, "Kim-is-hot! Kim-is-hot! Kim- is-hot!" The president made the thumbs-up gesture, and said, “You’ve got that right, I swear that woman has got a fine gorgeous pair of legs on her…don’t tell Melania I said this, but Kimmy’s long, luscious, legs stretch from here to way out yonder.” And, again, the crowd exploded in enthusiastic cheers.
He then told his supporters not to worry about the coronavirus, because Republicans cannot catch it. He noted that conservatives have a much stronger defense system than Democrats and Independents.
He then informed them that, this year, tax refunds for poor registered Republican voters will go up from an average of $115 to an average of $6,245. The crowd cheered, “Re-funds! Re-funds! Re-funds!”
And then POTUS remarked that Melania’s tests for the virus had come back negative, and the crowd began chanting, “Neg-a-tive! Neg-a-tive! Neg-a-tive!”
IN CLOSING - One lifelong GOPer who says he is currently sitting on the fence, told a reporter for CNN, “Man oh man, I’m 94 years old, and I have never, ever heard so much freakin' bullshit!”


thespoof--2020-02-29--Nik Wallenda Ready To Cross A Dangerous Lava-Spewing Volcano In Nicaragua

SARASOTA , Florida – High-wire aerialist , Nik Wallenda , has been training to walk across an active volcano located a few miles outside of Managua , Nicaragua .
The 41-year-old daredevil who is a 7th-generation member of he famed Flying Wallendas circus troupe , spoke with a reporter with The Miami Globe Gazette .
Wallenda said that it will be his biggest challenge , other than trying to get his kids to eat their vegetables .
The volcano named El Chingon Caliente , which is Nicaraguan for The Big Hot One , was founded on September 16 , 1520 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ F. Quigby and his girlfriend Staci Chipperwood .
Noted volcano historian Virgil Kerfuffle , Jr. , noted that between November 2 , 1521 , and March 9 , 2019 , El CC has erupted a grand total of 13,313 times .
Ever since the volcano was first discovered , a total of 7,921 maidens have been sacrificed to El CC , including Nicaragua ’ s most famous crossdresser , Margarita `` La Bonita '' Chichis , in the summer of 2012 .
Nik was asked what he will be wearing when he makes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he will be wearing a Tampa Bay Buccaneers football helmet , a pair of green Nike shorts , and his favorite cowboy boots .
IN CLOSING – Kerfuffle stated that the last time El CC erupted was back on April 29 , 2001 .
He pointed out that when it erupted , it sent hundreds of humongous chucks of molten lava the size of KIA Sorentos that landed as far away as Bern , Switzerland , a distance of 5,787 miles as the crow files .

SARASOTA, Florida – High-wire aerialist, Nik Wallenda, has been training to walk across an active volcano located a few miles outside of Managua, Nicaragua.
The 41-year-old daredevil who is a 7th-generation member of he famed Flying Wallendas circus troupe, spoke with a reporter with The Miami Globe Gazette.
Wallenda said that it will be his biggest challenge, other than trying to get his kids to eat their vegetables.
The volcano named El Chingon Caliente, which is Nicaraguan for The Big Hot One, was founded on September 16, 1520, by noted English explorer Sir Quigby F. Quigby and his girlfriend Staci Chipperwood.
Noted volcano historian Virgil Kerfuffle, Jr., noted that between November 2, 1521, and March 9, 2019, El CC has erupted a grand total of 13,313 times.
Ever since the volcano was first discovered, a total of 7,921 maidens have been sacrificed to El CC, including Nicaragua’s most famous crossdresser, Margarita "La Bonita" Chichis, in the summer of 2012.
Nik was asked what he will be wearing when he makes his 1,800-foot walk. He replied that he will be wearing a Tampa Bay Buccaneers football helmet, a pair of green Nike shorts, and his favorite cowboy boots.
IN CLOSING – Kerfuffle stated that the last time El CC erupted was back on April 29, 2001. He pointed out that when it erupted, it sent hundreds of humongous chucks of molten lava the size of KIA Sorentos that landed as far away as Bern, Switzerland, a distance of 5,787 miles as the crow files.


thespoof--2020-03-01--Elizabeth Warren Got Clobbered In The South Carolina Primary and Now Wonders Why Voters Just Don’t L

Elizabeth Warren Got Clobbered In The South Carolina Primary and Now Wonders Why Voters Just Don’t Like Her

CHARLESTON , South Carolina – The woman that President Trump nicknamed “ Pocahontas ” got soundly beaten at the voting booths .
Warren finished in 5th place with just 7 % of the total vote .
She sat in her motel room and wondered why so many of her supporters have abandoned her .
She pointed out that she has about 219 policy plans , and that at least 143 of those are actually good plans .
A reporter with the iNews Agency asked her if this was the end of the road for her .
Her eyes got as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she asked , “ Why , what have you heard ?
” The reporter said that he hadn ’ t heard anything , and that he was just asking her a question .
“ Well , it ’ s like this , ” she said , “ the voters like Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders because they ’ re just one of the good old boys.
” She took a sip from her bottle of Geritol .
“ Tell me , ” she asked , “ when is the last time that you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she is just one of the good old girls ?
” “ Last Thursday , ” the reporter replied .
“ Well , you ’ re lying .
And you know you 're lying , '' Warren shot back .
The reporter looked her in her eyes and said , “ Well isn ’ t it interesting that you ’ re the one that they call “ Lieawatha ? ''
Warren turned six shades of pink , and angrily said , “ Well , I ’ m done here.
” And the reporter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what the voters of South Carolina have just told you .
.
.
you ’ re done.
” IN SPORTS NEWS – A golfer in Sucamoochee , Mississippi , who made a hole-in-one , was disqualified when it was discovered that he had used a counterfeit golf ball .

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – The woman that President Trump nicknamed “Pocahontas” got soundly beaten at the voting booths.
Warren finished in 5th place with just 7% of the total vote. She sat in her motel room and wondered why so many of her supporters have abandoned her.
She pointed out that she has about 219 policy plans, and that at least 143 of those are actually good plans.
A reporter with the iNews Agency asked her if this was the end of the road for her. Her eyes got as big as ping pong balls, and she asked, “Why, what have you heard?” The reporter said that he hadn’t heard anything, and that he was just asking her a question.
“Well, it’s like this,” she said, “the voters like Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders because they’re just one of the good old boys.” She took a sip from her bottle of Geritol. “Tell me,” she asked, “when is the last time that you heard someone say I like her because she is just one of the good old girls?”
“Last Thursday,” the reporter replied. “Well, you’re lying. And you know you're lying," Warren shot back. The reporter looked her in her eyes and said, “Well isn’t it interesting that you’re the one that they call “Lieawatha?"
Warren turned six shades of pink, and angrily said, “Well, I’m done here.” And the reporter said, “That’s exactly what the voters of South Carolina have just told you. . . you’re done.”
IN SPORTS NEWS – A golfer in Sucamoochee, Mississippi, who made a hole-in-one, was disqualified when it was discovered that he had used a counterfeit golf ball.


thespoof--2020-02-29--"Mama said just add limes," Bobby Boucher says of Coronavirus

Former South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dog linebacker , Bobby Boucher Jr. , has gone public with a statement from his mama .
According to his Mama , avoiding the Coronavirus is as simple as citrus .
He stated , `` Mama says that the Coronavirus is mad cause they got all that beer and no limes . ''
Vicki Valencourt has gone on to back up her college boyfriend with words of encouragement .
Also the local townie has stated to all the citizens in the US , `` You can do it ! ''
When breaking down @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Professor Sanders has a different view .
He states that a vaccine will be available but it DOES NOT involve limes .
He states that the viral breakdown which causes the virus to spread can be reduced leading to lower infection rates .
He told our sources , `` Mama 's wrong again . ''
When we asked Boucher about the statement , all the former linebacker said was , `` You 're wrong , Colonel Sanders !
Mama 's right . ''
Such bold words from a bold man .
As you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at halftime to help the Mud Dogs win the Bourbon Bowl in their cinderella season .
They took down the strong offense of Coach Red Beaulieau and the University of Louisiana Cougars after scoring 30 unanswered points .
We do n't know if all that college has given him the answer to the Coronavirus , but we do know Farmer Fran believes so .
Fran said `` rijd iubdoi doibiuw oidoiuhw oijsoubwjy '' .
Strong words indeed .
Stay tuned for all the latest developments .

Former South Central Louisiana State University Mud Dog linebacker, Bobby Boucher Jr., has gone public with a statement from his mama. According to his Mama, avoiding the Coronavirus is as simple as citrus.
He stated, "Mama says that the Coronavirus is mad cause they got all that beer and no limes." Vicki Valencourt has gone on to back up her college boyfriend with words of encouragement. Also the local townie has stated to all the citizens in the US, "You can do it!"
When breaking down the issues faced with the Coronavirus, Professor Sanders has a different view. He states that a vaccine will be available but it DOES NOT involve limes. He states that the viral breakdown which causes the virus to spread can be reduced leading to lower infection rates. He told our sources, "Mama's wrong again." When we asked Boucher about the statement, all the former linebacker said was, "You're wrong, Colonel Sanders! Mama's right." Such bold words from a bold man.
As you may remember, Bobby Boucher showed up at halftime to help the Mud Dogs win the Bourbon Bowl in their cinderella season. They took down the strong offense of Coach Red Beaulieau and the University of Louisiana Cougars after scoring 30 unanswered points. We don't know if all that college has given him the answer to the Coronavirus, but we do know Farmer Fran believes so. Fran said "rijd iubdoi doibiuw oidoiuhw oijsoubwjy". Strong words indeed. Stay tuned for all the latest developments.


thespoof--2020-02-29--Nashville Neurotic First to Achieve Tripolar Status

Surpassing all mental health expectations , Cameron Foster of Nashville , Tennessee , became the first patient on record to be diagnosed as not merely bipolar , but tripolar .
`` It ’ s an honor , '' said 42-year-old Foster of his newfound claim to psychiatric fame .
`` For a long time , I wasn ’ t sure I ’ d be able to manage anything beyond basic , run-of-the-mill depression .
To think of how far I ’ ve come – nailing not only two poles , but three .
It ’ s a little surreal , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Foster , in his mid-thirties , through a great deal of partying and drug use , he began achieving brief periods of mania , which increasingly began peppering his overarching depression .
`` Two poles really worked for me for a while , '' he said .
`` But at a certain point , I started craving more . ''
As he explained it , Foster ’ s depressive episodes , marked by existential angst and checked-out listlessness , while darkly enjoyable for stretches , invariably ended up feeling `` lame '' .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ periods “ a blast , '' they also left him exhausted .
`` There was no balance , '' he said .
As he entered his 40s , Foster began experimenting with a number of different mood states , seeking one suitable to become his third pole .
Through a great deal of trial and error , he finally hit upon the emotional state that perfectly complemented his other two poles .
`` Super loose was the ticket , '' said Foster .
`` Think heroin high , minus the powder .
That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ missing leg of three-legged stool . ''
Far from minimizing the difficulties of living with mental illness , Foster was quick to clarify that , like other mood disorders , the super loose state presents its own unique set of challenges .
“ I 'm always saying , ‘ Yeah , man , ' '' he said .
`` And I tend to nod off a lot . ''
In addition , Foster says that the super loose condition has , on more than one occasion , caused him to blow off critical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re you gon na do ? ''
he said .
`` It is what it is .
Super loose is super loose – deal with it . ''
And Foster may not be done making psychiatric history ; he says that he is not ruling out adding still a fourth pole , yet to be determined .
`` Rico suave , Zen , and blow me are a few possibilities I ’ m playing around with , '' he said .
`` But for now , I 'm really digging super loose @ @ @ @ @ @

Surpassing all mental health expectations, Cameron Foster of Nashville, Tennessee, became the first patient on record to be diagnosed as not merely bipolar, but tripolar.
"It’s an honor," said 42-year-old Foster of his newfound claim to psychiatric fame. "For a long time, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to manage anything beyond basic, run-of-the-mill depression. To think of how far I’ve come – nailing not only two poles, but three. It’s a little surreal, to be honest."
According to Foster, in his mid-thirties, through a great deal of partying and drug use, he began achieving brief periods of mania, which increasingly began peppering his overarching depression. "Two poles really worked for me for a while," he said. "But at a certain point, I started craving more."
As he explained it, Foster’s depressive episodes, marked by existential angst and checked-out listlessness, while darkly enjoyable for stretches, invariably ended up feeling "lame". And although he found his hyper-exuberant manic periods “a blast," they also left him exhausted. "There was no balance," he said.
As he entered his 40s, Foster began experimenting with a number of different mood states, seeking one suitable to become his third pole. Through a great deal of trial and error, he finally hit upon the emotional state that perfectly complemented his other two poles. "Super loose was the ticket," said Foster. "Think heroin high, minus the powder. That was the missing piece – like the missing leg of three-legged stool."
Far from minimizing the difficulties of living with mental illness, Foster was quick to clarify that, like other mood disorders, the super loose state presents its own unique set of challenges. “I'm always saying, ‘Yeah, man,'" he said. "And I tend to nod off a lot." In addition, Foster says that the super loose condition has, on more than one occasion, caused him to blow off critical work and family obligations. "What’re you gonna do?" he said. "It is what it is. Super loose is super loose – deal with it."
And Foster may not be done making psychiatric history; he says that he is not ruling out adding still a fourth pole, yet to be determined. "Rico suave, Zen, and blow me are a few possibilities I’m playing around with," he said. "But for now, I'm really digging super loose. So no rush."


thespoof--2020-02-29--CDC Offers Incredibly Obvious Advice on Coronavirus That Children Would Understand

The US CDC issued incredibly obvious advice this week on the coronavirus that a 3-year-old child would understand .
`` The best thing to do if you feel like you are getting sick , is to go to the doctor , '' CDC officials said , in a dire warning to the American people , that makes sense to anyone with a functioning brain .
`` Also , wash your hands after you sneeze , '' the CDC warned the American people , giving patronizing advice to grown adults that they would give to their small preschool children when they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' pointed out CDC officials , `` if you feel sick , do n't go to work .
Instead , stay home and go to bed . ''
This medical advice is entirely obvious to every single human being who ever walked the face of the earth since the beginning of time , but it 's a great reminder at this time of great hysteria !
The CDC 's chief physician , who is paid more than $ 200,000 per year , also told people to take medicine if they get sick .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus is a fever , '' said the man who went to school for many years to study medicine .
`` If you have a so-called fever , you can go to the store and buy a bottle of medicine called Advil .
To administer this medicine , you open the bottle of Advil with your teeth , or a hammer , or a saw , or just push down on the cap and twist it -- either of these solutions will work . ''
`` Once you have the cap off , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the bottle .
I ca n't stress this enough , do n't eat the cotton .
It 's not medicine , it 's cotton , '' he said .
The CDC chief took an entire course at Harvard on the non-medicinal properties of cotton .
`` Then , '' he said , `` put your hand out , and pour some of the pills in the bottle onto your hand .
But only take 2 or 3 pills , and put the rest of the pills back in the bottle . ''
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ putting the unused pills back in the bottle , because if you miss the small hole at the top of the bottle , they may spill on to the floor .
If they do , be sure to pick them up and put them back in the bottle -- unless they are dirty .
`` If they are dirty , then wash them or throw them in a garbage can , which is a receptacle used for trash , '' he said .
`` Finally , '' the CDC leader said , `` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with water , and then put those two or three Advil in your open hand and transfer them into your mouth .
Then , drink the water while the pills are in your mouth .
Hopefully , the pills will be washed down your throat .
You 'll know if they have been washed down your throat if they are not still sitting in your mouth after you have drunk the water .
If they are still sitting in your mouth , you must repeat this process . ''
He then explained that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fever go away .
When the fever goes away , it may come back , which requires you to take more pills , using the same instructions as above .
So remember these completely obvious common-sense steps , and stay safe out there !

The US CDC issued incredibly obvious advice this week on the coronavirus that even a 3-year-old child would understand.
"The best thing to do if you feel like you are getting sick, is to go to the doctor," CDC officials said, in a dire warning to the American people, that makes sense to anyone with a functioning brain.
"Also, wash your hands after you sneeze," the CDC warned the American people, giving patronizing advice to grown adults that they would give to their small preschool children when they are sick.
"In addition," pointed out CDC officials, "if you feel sick, don't go to work. Instead, stay home and go to bed."
This medical advice is entirely obvious to every single human being who ever walked the face of the earth since the beginning of time, but it's a great reminder at this time of great hysteria!
The CDC's chief physician, who is paid more than $200,000 per year, also told people to take medicine if they get sick.
"One of the symptoms of the coronavirus is a fever," said the man who went to school for many years to study medicine.
"If you have a so-called fever, you can go to the store and buy a bottle of medicine called Advil. To administer this medicine, you open the bottle of Advil with your teeth, or a hammer, or a saw, or just push down on the cap and twist it -- either of these solutions will work."
"Once you have the cap off, remove the cotton that's stuffed in the bottle. I can't stress this enough, don't eat the cotton. It's not medicine, it's cotton," he said.
The CDC chief took an entire course at Harvard on the non-medicinal properties of cotton.
"Then," he said, "put your hand out, and pour some of the pills in the bottle onto your hand. But only take 2 or 3 pills, and put the rest of the pills back in the bottle."
He warned people to be very careful about putting the unused pills back in the bottle, because if you miss the small hole at the top of the bottle, they may spill on to the floor. If they do, be sure to pick them up and put them back in the bottle -- unless they are dirty. "If they are dirty, then wash them or throw them in a garbage can, which is a receptacle used for trash," he said.
"Finally," the CDC leader said, "get a glass, and fill it with water, and then put those two or three Advil in your open hand and transfer them into your mouth. Then, drink the water while the pills are in your mouth. Hopefully, the pills will be washed down your throat. You'll know if they have been washed down your throat if they are not still sitting in your mouth after you have drunk the water. If they are still sitting in your mouth, you must repeat this process."
He then explained that the pills will start to make your fever go away. When the fever goes away, it may come back, which requires you to take more pills, using the same instructions as above.
So remember these completely obvious common-sense steps, and stay safe out there!


thespoof--2020-02-28--Doctor Donald Trump And The Coronavirus

Doctor Donald Trump And The Coronavirus

Bone spur expert and beauty contest entrepreneur , Donald Trump , announced that the coronavirus would eventually disappear with the 'hot season . '
And , with Trump ’ s dismissive leadership on a pandemic , so will the human race .
Not to worry .
Trump has appointed Vice President Mike Pence to mind the virus .
Pence , who appears to be hypnotized by Trump - his eyes never moving away from Trump when Trump speaks - has no scientific or medical background , except that he ’ s pro-life , but now is supervising a deadly virus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the pants ?
God has an ironic sense of humor , and must be pro-choice .
At least Trump didn ’ t appoint Steven Segal in charge of the coronavirus .
But sleepy-head isn ’ t much better .
Pence will snap into attention after a Super Bowl bucket of ice water is poured on his head , and appoint a commission to study the situation .
In two years , he ’ ll present an 800-page report to Congress .
The report will not be made public until Attorney General William @ @ @ @ @ @ @ own seven-sentence summary , go before Congress and publicly announce that Trump has been exonerated .
Outraged , remaining living Democrats will insist that the House impeach Trump for incompetence and failure to halt the coronavirus .
Nancy says : Not incompetent enough to be impeached for incompetence .
“ He looked into the sun during an eclipse.
” Exonerated and boldened , Trump announces the coronavirus was manufactured and started in Ukraine , and Joe Biden carried it around the world in his record player .
A whistleblower reports that Trump promised @ @ @ @ @ @ @ White House visit if he would confess to starting the virus , but Zelensky refused .
Trump then said he didn ’ t have to confess , exactly , just say you ’ re going to investigate that possibility , and you ’ ll get a White House visit .
The whistleblower is fired , promises to write a book about working for the Trump White House , but can ’ t testify .
And whatever happened to the 2020 presidential election ?
The election got the coronavirus and was canceled by Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Bone spur expert and beauty contest entrepreneur, Donald Trump, announced that the coronavirus would eventually disappear with the 'hot season.'
And, with Trump’s dismissive leadership on a pandemic, so will the human race.
Not to worry. Trump has appointed Vice President Mike Pence to mind the virus. Pence, who appears to be hypnotized by Trump - his eyes never moving away from Trump when Trump speaks - has no scientific or medical background, except that he’s pro-life, but now is supervising a deadly virus.
How do you like that kick in the pants? God has an ironic sense of humor, and must be pro-choice.
At least Trump didn’t appoint Steven Segal in charge of the coronavirus. But sleepy-head isn’t much better. Pence will snap into attention after a Super Bowl bucket of ice water is poured on his head, and appoint a commission to study the situation. In two years, he’ll present an 800-page report to Congress.
The report will not be made public until Attorney General William Barr reads it first, creates his own seven-sentence summary, go before Congress and publicly announce that Trump has been exonerated.
Outraged, remaining living Democrats will insist that the House impeach Trump for incompetence and failure to halt the coronavirus. Nancy says: Not incompetent enough to be impeached for incompetence.
“He looked into the sun during an eclipse.”
True, but no cigar.
Exonerated and boldened, Trump announces the coronavirus was manufactured and started in Ukraine, and Joe Biden carried it around the world in his record player.
A whistleblower reports that Trump promised Zelensky, head of Ukraine, a White House visit if he would confess to starting the virus, but Zelensky refused.
Trump then said he didn’t have to confess, exactly, just say you’re going to investigate that possibility, and you’ll get a White House visit.
Hearing of the quid pro quo, Nancy announces Trump's impeachment hearings.
The whistleblower is fired, promises to write a book about working for the Trump White House, but can’t testify.
And whatever happened to the 2020 presidential election?
The election got the coronavirus and was canceled by Trump.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-02-28--I Have the Best Words (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography In His Own Best Words)

I Have the Best Words Now Available on Amazon I went to an Ivy League school .
I 'm highly educated .
I know words .
I have the best words , I have the best , but there is no better word than stupid .
Right Donald J. Trump See , the reason I won the most historically huge election victory in the history of not just Western Civilization , but the history of everything , really , was because I have the best words .
I won by a lot , like a very great deal of votes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more if those libtard states with all those stupid sanctuary cities had not been letting all those illegals that they practically invite in from those caravans cast their votes .
That ’ s all they ’ re saying with those sanctuary cities .
They ’ re just saying , “ Hey come on in over here , and guess what ?
You can even vote if you want .
Yeah , you can vote in another Che Guevara if you want , another Fidel Castro or even a JFK.
” But , still @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those socialist states all over the place , I still ran the most successful campaign , like , ever – in the history of everything .
I was reading somewhere that I had even better numbers than Julius Caesar , if you want to go back that far , but you see , back in those days , when they just wore togas and had chariots instead of cars , they didn ’ t have stuff like Twitter and Facebook , which really helped .
I mean imagine if these other guys , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had Twitter ?
Or Hitler ?
Now Hitler would ’ ve been great with Twitter .
He ’ d never had to leave his Eagle ’ s Nest , right ?
Anyway , when I talked to my friend Roger he said to me , he says , “ Look we need a guy like you .
I mean , we need you , ‘ cause there is no one like you , really .
The people are sick of all of this political correctness and all these slick politicians .
They want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it is .
You know , none of these crusty , old politicians can go off-script like you do .
They ’ re nothing without a script .
You … you can do it.
” So , I said , “ That ’ s it ?
You just need me to talk ?
” Roger says , “ Yeah.
” “ I can do that , ” I tell him .
“ I mean , I ’ m great at that.
” See , in life you have to rely on the past @ @ @ @ @ @ @ history.
’ So , my past , history , is that , well , I 'm intelligent .
Some people would say I 'm very , very , very intelligent .
I can ’ t tell you how many times I ’ ve had to say , ‘ Sorry losers and haters , but my I.Q .
is one of the highest – and you all know it !
Please don ’ t feel so stupid or insecure , it ’ s not your fault . '
But , it ’ s true @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that so many times and to so many people .
It ’ s like almost annoying how popular I am .
I can ’ t go anywhere without being spotted .
That ’ s just one thing that made me such a good candidate .
You got ta be a little cocky to be in this politics game , right ?
Yeah .
Show me someone with no ego and I 'll show you a big loser , you know ?
To be blunt , I knew people would vote for me .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ because I 'm so good looking .
I mean , look at this package .
Part of the beauty of me is that I ’ m very rich , but it ’ s not just that .
The other day I happened to find these old pictures of myself and I ’ m standing there looking at them and I ’ m thinking , it ’ s more than just the physical beauty , right .
I mean , it ’ s the brains , too , but it ’ s also something @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your finger on .
I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face .
I looked happy , I looked content , I looked like a very nice person , which at least in theory I am .
Like in reality , who knows ?
But in theory , I think I might just be a pretty nice guy .
Maybe that ’ s another reason I was so popular with voters .
At one point , I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lose voters .
And one other thing I couldn ’ t help but to think of was how much money I have .
I mean , America loves winners , and , say whatever you want , but I ’ m definitely a winner , no matter what anyone says .
Like this guy , Mitt Romney , what a loser .
He has a lot to say for a guy who lost , who failed .
Let ’ s look at it in terms of history , you know the past , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 'm the most successful person ever to run for the presidency , by far .
Nobody 's ever been more successful than me .
I 'm the most successful person ever to run .
George Washington was n't successful like me .
Geez , I mean , he was a farmer .
He was in the army for crying out loud .
He never built anything .
Lincoln ?
He was so poor he lived in a cabin .
What ’ s a cabin ?
Like one floor , maybe ?
And how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Besides , he ’ s the one who got shot .
I didn ’ t get shot .
So , yeah , it ’ s history .
You could look it up .
And Romney - I have a Gucci store that 's worth more than Romney .
I mean , I built a great company , one of the – some of the – most iconic assets in the world , $ 10 billion of net worth , more than $ 10 billion of net worth , and frankly , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ How ’ s he gon na run the country if he can ’ t make any money ?
The part I figured out as to how and why I won the most historically great campaign , which led to the lowest unemployment numbers and the world ’ s greatest economy of all time , was that it wasn ’ t just that the people – like millions of people – love me so much , but that they also hated those losers I ran against who were so horrible .
Terrible Ted Cruz @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guy , he thinks making fun of my hands would work .
Yeah , he called my hands small , as if that was true .
I have to say this , he hit my hands .
Nobody has ever hit my hands .
I ’ ve never heard of this one .
Look at those hands .
Are they small hands ?
And he referred to my hands if they ’ re small , something else must be small .
I guarantee you there ’ s no problem .
I guarantee you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never seen a human being sweat like that man sweats .
It looked like he had just jumped into a swimming pool with his clothes on .
And he has really large ears , the biggest ears I ’ ve ever seen .
And Jeb Bush , I described Jeb Bush as a 'low-energy ' individual , and unfortunately for him , that stuck .
And it 's true : he 's a low-energy person .
That does n't make him a bad person .
Just not as energetic and strong as me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Crooked Hillary Clinton , or Killary as some might call her , ‘ cause of all the people who died during that whole Benghazi thing , from the past too , from history .
She was the worst , and that ’ s part of the reason I beat her by so many votes and why my campaign was completely , totally , historically unique , like no other ever .
See , the only card she had is the woman 's card .
She had nothing else to offer , and frankly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I do n't think she 'd get five percent of the vote .
The only thing she had going is the woman 's card , and the beautiful thing is , women do n't like her .
That ’ s the funny thing .
Crooked Hillary Clinton is the worst – and biggest – loser of all time .
She just can ’ t stop , which is so good for the Republican Party .
I should ’ ve said : “ Hillary , get on with your life and give it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ What a loser .
Get it ?
One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace , good people do n't go into government .
And this political correctness ?
What is that even ?
It ’ s all over the place , you know ?
I think another one of my greatest qualities is that I don ’ t have time for that nonsense .
I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct .
I 've been challenged by so many people , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ total political correctness .
And to be honest with you , this country does n't have time either .
Okay , so we needed a slogan , and not anything politically correct .
Every great campaign needs a slogan .
So , my pal Roger comes up to me one day and says , “ Don , you have the best words I think I ’ ve ever heard , you know ?
So we need you to come up with a slogan for the campaign , something catchy , something short , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ No problem , ” I says .
That ’ s when I came up with the now famous line , probably the most famous campaign slogan of all time .
The line of 'Make America Great Again , ' the phrase , that was mine , I came up with it about a year before , and I kept using it , and everybody 's using it , they all loved it .
I do n't know , I guess I should copyright it , maybe I have copyrighted it , ‘ cause @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s where Reagan got the idea for his campaign slogan “ Let ’ s Make America Great Again ” from me .
I mean , look at it .
That ’ s pretty close , right ?
Like only a couple of words off .
See , it has to be memorable , quick and snappy like Roger said .
It has to have backbone and be strong , like ours , not all wimpy and liberal like that Casper Milquetoast , John Kerry , out in what is possibly the worst state @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Remember his ?
“ Let America Be America Again.
” What a wimp .
What does that even mean for cryin ’ out loud ?
See , I always like to tell it like it is .
That ’ s how I use my words .
Granted , when you ’ re telling the truth , sometimes people aren ’ t gon na get what you ’ re saying .
They ’ re gon na twist it and turn it any way they see fit , probably ‘ cause they ’ re haters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grab ‘ em by the pussy ” thing .
That was blown way out of proportion .
I mean , I ’ m hearing all this mainstream media bullshit and I ’ m thinking , yeah I was thinking , “ As if you never said anything like that .
I mean it ’ s locker room talk , you know ?
It was just me talking to another guy , like we would after a game , and they get a hold of it and suddenly I ’ m this monster .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ m proud of what I said , so I told them , I says , ‘ I ’ m not unproud.
’ I stunned them .
Blew their minds .
I kind of do that sometimes , you know ?
So , one reporter , that wise-guy from CNN , Jim Acosta , the Fake News Network asked what that meant , so told him that it wasn ’ t that I was proud of it .
But , well , I explained , like hey , being un-proud is like being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
It 's like if you 're un-hungry , right ?
I mean , if you 're un-hungry , you 're not hungry but you could also be hungry - un-hungry !
Or if you 're un-funny nobody is gon na laugh at you , or they might .
You just don ’ t know .
Then , another wise-guy reporter says that if I wasn ’ t unproud , then I was proud .
He called it a double negative or something stupid like that , the egghead .
I was like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ n't even be single negative .
Being negative is not positive , and I am positive about what I just said , double-plus positive in fact .
I mean , that 's what I 'm talking about here .
There 's so much deception from my opponent that no one can see the difference between the truth like I tell it and all of her un-truth.
” And I knew they loved it ‘ cause when I was done they were all really quiet .
They were just standing there with their pads @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on their faces , you know ?
They were like , “ Wow !
” Yeah , you could say I stunned them alright .
So , we had these great rallies where I got to use my beautiful words and really stun the crowds .
I mean , we found out that you didn ’ t have to have the smartest people either .
In fact , we found out that those smart people we ’ re always asking you about stuff like policy .
Like how are you gon na pay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you gon na take away Obamacare ?
Do you have a replacement for Obamacare ?
What about this ?
What about that ?
The eggheads , like the Dumbocrats – I just made that up , see I have great ideas with words – they always were like always hung up on all these details , but my real people , my honest base , they wanted the basics , like the wall , a big , beautiful wall on the Southern Border .
They wanted to make our country great again .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ stupid little details , so we spared them all the details and just gave them a good time .
Actually , we won with poorly educated .
I love the poorly educated .
You show them a good time , they vote for you .
Real simple .
But , of course , there were always these libtards and those Antifa types who would try to ruin our good times at these rallies .
They protest .
They go and they cry like little girls out front .
They yell and scream while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beautiful words of mine , and we ’ re trying to have a good time but these radicals are interrupting me .
A couple of times , you know what I wanted to ?
I wanted to hit a couple of those people so hard .
I would have hit them .
No , no .
I was going to hit them , I was all set and then I got a call from a highly respected governor .
I was gon na hit one guy in particular , a very little guy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ guy so hard his head would spin , and he wouldn ’ t know what the hell happened .
I was going to hit a number of those weasels so hard their heads would spin , they ’ d never recover .
And that ’ s what I did with a lot—that ’ s why I still don ’ t have certain people endorsing me : they still haven ’ t recovered .
But that ’ s just ‘ cause they can ’ t handle the truth of it all .
They can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s Nature – it ’ s the way it ’ s supposed to be .
Now available on Amazon .

I Have the Best Words
Now Available on Amazon
I went to an Ivy League school. I'm highly educated. I know words. I have the best words, I have the best, but there is no better word than stupid. Right
Donald J. Trump
See, the reason I won the most historically huge election victory in the history of not just Western Civilization, but the history of everything, really, was because I have the best words. I won by a lot, like a very great deal of votes, and I would have won by more if those libtard states with all those stupid sanctuary cities had not been letting all those illegals that they practically invite in from those caravans cast their votes. That’s all they’re saying with those sanctuary cities. They’re just saying, “Hey come on in over here, and guess what? You can even vote if you want. Yeah, you can vote in another Che Guevara if you want, another Fidel Castro or even a JFK.” But, still, you know, in spite of those socialist states all over the place, I still ran the most successful campaign, like, ever – in the history of everything. I was reading somewhere that I had even better numbers than Julius Caesar, if you want to go back that far, but you see, back in those days, when they just wore togas and had chariots instead of cars, they didn’t have stuff like Twitter and Facebook, which really helped. I mean imagine if these other guys, like Caesar and Alexander the Great, had Twitter? Or Hitler? Now Hitler would’ve been great with Twitter. He’d never had to leave his Eagle’s Nest, right?
Anyway, when I talked to my friend Roger he said to me, he says, “Look we need a guy like you. I mean, we need you, ‘cause there is no one like you, really. The people are sick of all of this political correctness and all these slick politicians. They want someone who can just tell it like it is. You know, none of these crusty, old politicians can go off-script like you do. They’re nothing without a script. You … you can do it.”
So, I said, “That’s it? You just need me to talk?”
Roger says, “Yeah.”
“I can do that,” I tell him. “I mean, I’m great at that.”
See, in life you have to rely on the past, and that’s called ‘history.’ So, my past, history, is that, well, I'm intelligent. Some people would say I'm very, very, very intelligent. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to say, ‘Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.' But, it’s true. I’ve had to say that so many times and to so many people. It’s like almost annoying how popular I am. I can’t go anywhere without being spotted. That’s just one thing that made me such a good candidate. You gotta be a little cocky to be in this politics game, right? Yeah. Show me someone with no ego and I'll show you a big loser, you know?
To be blunt, I knew people would vote for me. They just would. Why? Maybe because I'm so good looking. I mean, look at this package. Part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich, but it’s not just that. The other day I happened to find these old pictures of myself and I’m standing there looking at them and I’m thinking, it’s more than just the physical beauty, right. I mean, it’s the brains, too, but it’s also something else you just can’t put your finger on. I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face. I looked happy, I looked content, I looked like a very nice person, which at least in theory I am. Like in reality, who knows? But in theory, I think I might just be a pretty nice guy. Maybe that’s another reason I was so popular with voters. At one point, I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters. And one other thing I couldn’t help but to think of was how much money I have. I mean, America loves winners, and, say whatever you want, but I’m definitely a winner, no matter what anyone says. Like this guy, Mitt Romney, what a loser. He has a lot to say for a guy who lost, who failed. Let’s look at it in terms of history, you know the past, and you’ll see that I'm the most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far. Nobody's ever been more successful than me. I'm the most successful person ever to run. George Washington wasn't successful like me. Geez, I mean, he was a farmer. He was in the army for crying out loud. He never built anything. Lincoln? He was so poor he lived in a cabin. What’s a cabin? Like one floor, maybe? And how does a lawyer not make any money. Besides, he’s the one who got shot. I didn’t get shot. So, yeah, it’s history. You could look it up. And Romney - I have a Gucci store that's worth more than Romney. I mean, I built a great company, one of the – some of the – most iconic assets in the world, $10 billion of net worth, more than $10 billion of net worth, and frankly, I had a great time doing it. How’s he gonna run the country if he can’t make any money?
The part I figured out as to how and why I won the most historically great campaign, which led to the lowest unemployment numbers and the world’s greatest economy of all time, was that it wasn’t just that the people – like millions of people – love me so much, but that they also hated those losers I ran against who were so horrible. Terrible Ted Cruz. No one likes him. That guy, he thinks making fun of my hands would work. Yeah, he called my hands small, as if that was true. I have to say this, he hit my hands. Nobody has ever hit my hands. I’ve never heard of this one. Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you. And Marco Rubio, I have never seen a human being sweat like that man sweats. It looked like he had just jumped into a swimming pool with his clothes on. And he has really large ears, the biggest ears I’ve ever seen. And Jeb Bush, I described Jeb Bush as a 'low-energy' individual, and unfortunately for him, that stuck. And it's true: he's a low-energy person. That doesn't make him a bad person. Just not as energetic and strong as me, right? Then there’s Crooked Hillary Clinton, or Killary as some might call her, ‘cause of all the people who died during that whole Benghazi thing, from the past too, from history. She was the worst, and that’s part of the reason I beat her by so many votes and why my campaign was completely, totally, historically unique, like no other ever. See, the only card she had is the woman's card. She had nothing else to offer, and frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don't think she'd get five percent of the vote. The only thing she had going is the woman's card, and the beautiful thing is, women don't like her. That’s the funny thing. Crooked Hillary Clinton is the worst – and biggest – loser of all time. She just can’t stop, which is so good for the Republican Party. I should’ve said: “Hillary, get on with your life and give it another try in three years!” What a loser. Get it?
One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don't go into government. And this political correctness? What is that even? It’s all over the place, you know? I think another one of my greatest qualities is that I don’t have time for that nonsense. I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct. I've been challenged by so many people, and I don't frankly have time for total political correctness. And to be honest with you, this country doesn't have time either.
Okay, so we needed a slogan, and not anything politically correct. Every great campaign needs a slogan. So, my pal Roger comes up to me one day and says, “Don, you have the best words I think I’ve ever heard, you know? So we need you to come up with a slogan for the campaign, something catchy, something short, sweet, simple and memorable.”
“No problem,” I says. That’s when I came up with the now famous line, probably the most famous campaign slogan of all time. The line of 'Make America Great Again,' the phrase, that was mine, I came up with it about a year before, and I kept using it, and everybody's using it, they all loved it. I don't know, I guess I should copyright it, maybe I have copyrighted it, ‘cause I’m pretty sure that’s where Reagan got the idea for his campaign slogan “Let’s Make America Great Again” from me. I mean, look at it. That’s pretty close, right? Like only a couple of words off. See, it has to be memorable, quick and snappy like Roger said. It has to have backbone and be strong, like ours, not all wimpy and liberal like that Casper Milquetoast, John Kerry, out in what is possibly the worst state in our great land, California. Remember his? “Let America Be America Again.” What a wimp. What does that even mean for cryin’ out loud?
See, I always like to tell it like it is. That’s how I use my words. Granted, when you’re telling the truth, sometimes people aren’t gonna get what you’re saying. They’re gonna twist it and turn it any way they see fit, probably ‘cause they’re haters, right? Like that whole “grab ‘em by the pussy” thing. That was blown way out of proportion. I mean, I’m hearing all this mainstream media bullshit and I’m thinking, yeah I was thinking, “As if you never said anything like that. I mean it’s locker room talk, you know? It was just me talking to another guy, like we would after a game, and they get a hold of it and suddenly I’m this monster. Everybody’s asking me if I’m proud of what I said, so I told them, I says, ‘I’m not unproud.’ I stunned them. Blew their minds. I kind of do that sometimes, you know? So, one reporter, that wise-guy from CNN, Jim Acosta, the Fake News Network asked what that meant, so told him that it wasn’t that I was proud of it. But, well, I explained, like hey, being un-proud is like being 'un' anything else, you know? It's like if you're un-hungry, right? I mean, if you're un-hungry, you're not hungry but you could also be hungry - un-hungry! Or if you're un-funny nobody is gonna laugh at you, or they might. You just don’t know. Then, another wise-guy reporter says that if I wasn’t unproud, then I was proud. He called it a double negative or something stupid like that, the egghead. I was like, “Double negative? I wouldn't even be single negative. Being negative is not positive, and I am positive about what I just said, double-plus positive in fact. I mean, that's what I'm talking about here. There's so much deception from my opponent that no one can see the difference between the truth like I tell it and all of her un-truth.” And I knew they loved it ‘cause when I was done they were all really quiet. They were just standing there with their pads in their hands with this blank look on their faces, you know? They were like, “Wow!” Yeah, you could say I stunned them alright.
So, we had these great rallies where I got to use my beautiful words and really stun the crowds. I mean, we found out that you didn’t have to have the smartest people either. In fact, we found out that those smart people we’re always asking you about stuff like policy. Like how are you gonna pay for this tax cut? How are you gonna take away Obamacare? Do you have a replacement for Obamacare? What about this? What about that? The eggheads, like the Dumbocrats – I just made that up, see I have great ideas with words – they always were like always hung up on all these details, but my real people, my honest base, they wanted the basics, like the wall, a big, beautiful wall on the Southern Border. They wanted to make our country great again. They didn’t want all these stupid little details, so we spared them all the details and just gave them a good time. Actually, we won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated. You show them a good time, they vote for you. Real simple.
But, of course, there were always these libtards and those Antifa types who would try to ruin our good times at these rallies. They protest. They go and they cry like little girls out front. They yell and scream while I’m giving my people these beautiful words of mine, and we’re trying to have a good time but these radicals are interrupting me. A couple of times, you know what I wanted to? I wanted to hit a couple of those people so hard. I would have hit them. No, no. I was going to hit them, I was all set and then I got a call from a highly respected governor. I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard his head would spin, and he wouldn’t know what the hell happened. I was going to hit a number of those weasels so hard their heads would spin, they’d never recover. And that’s what I did with a lot—that’s why I still don’t have certain people endorsing me: they still haven’t recovered. But that’s just ‘cause they can’t handle the truth of it all. They can’t deal with the fact that it’s Nature – it’s the way it’s supposed to be.
Now available on Amazon.


thespoof--2020-03-01--Joe Biden Wins Big In A South Carolina Blowout!

COLUMBIA , South Carolina – Former Vice-President , Joe Biden , showed that there is still a lot of gas in his tank , as he scored a resounding victory in the South Carolina Democratic Primary , winning close to 50 % of the vote .
President Trump sent him a congratulatory message saying , “ Good going , Joey .
You sure kicked old 'Pocahontas ' Warren ’ s ass but good . ''
The president went on , `` I heard that she has sent up smoke signals that read , ‘ To all of my warriors , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I think that my buffalo is cooked.
’ ” POTUS said that now , `` Squaw Girl '' can get on back to her reservation , and go back to her basket weaving , blanket making , and wigwam repairing .
Meanwhile , the other female in the race , Amy “ Yawn-Yawn ” Klobuchar , said that , after only getting 903 votes , she may also think about getting out of the race and going back to Minnesota , and getting back to her hobby of hummingbird breeding .
Bernie Sanders @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he will pick himself up , dust off his britches , re-arrange his combover , and get back to being the angry , white , old man that he is noted for being .
And Pete “ The Kid ” Buttigieg , who also got clobbered badly , simply replied , “ Oh , golly gee.
” IN A NON-RELATED STORY – The San Francisco Nightly Herald is reporting that Prince Harry is still so extremely upset at his grandmother Queen Lizzy II , that he and Meghan have taken her off @ @ @ @ @

COLUMBIA, South Carolina – Former Vice-President, Joe Biden, showed that there is still a lot of gas in his tank, as he scored a resounding victory in the South Carolina Democratic Primary, winning close to 50% of the vote.
President Trump sent him a congratulatory message saying, “Good going, Joey. You sure kicked old 'Pocahontas' Warren’s ass but good."
The president went on, "I heard that she has sent up smoke signals that read, ‘To all of my warriors, I hate to say it, but I think that my buffalo is cooked.’”
POTUS said that now, "Squaw Girl" can get on back to her reservation, and go back to her basket weaving, blanket making, and wigwam repairing.
Meanwhile, the other female in the race, Amy “Yawn-Yawn” Klobuchar, said that, after only getting 903 votes, she may also think about getting out of the race and going back to Minnesota, and getting back to her hobby of hummingbird breeding.
Bernie Sanders, who came in second, said that he will pick himself up, dust off his britches, re-arrange his combover, and get back to being the angry, white, old man that he is noted for being.
And Pete “The Kid” Buttigieg, who also got clobbered badly, simply replied, “Oh, golly gee.”
IN A NON-RELATED STORY – The San Francisco Nightly Herald is reporting that Prince Harry is still so extremely upset at his grandmother Queen Lizzy II, that he and Meghan have taken her off their Christmas card list.


thespoof--2020-02-28--Bomb Bomb China: Trump To Use Neutron Bomb To Get Rid Of Coronavirus

BILLINGSGATE POST : In a call to Chinese President , Xi Jinping , President Trump said they discussed carpet bombing China with neutron bombs to knock out the Coronavirus , which originated in China , killing untold thousands while pummeling world financial markets .
A neutron bomb , officially defined as a type of enhanced radiation weapon ( ERW ) , is a low-yield thermonuclear weapon designed to maximize lethal neutron radiation in the immediate vicinity of the blast , while minimizing the physical power of the blast itself .
The neutron release generated by a nuclear fusion reaction is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rather than being absorbed by its other components .
In a nutshell , the neutron blast can penetrate any surface , completely sanitizing underlying viruses and bacteria up to a depth of two feet , thus making it more lethal as a tactical weapon against the Coronavirus than even a country-wide , balls-to-the-wall , Stanley Steamer treatment .
The reduced blast damage was seen as an important advantage over using Stanley Steamer to cleanse China of the virus .
The neutron bomb , although lethal to humans and animals , does not destroy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the eventual repopulation of the decimated countries .
Although Trump and Xi admitted that it was a draconian measure , both agreed that , left unchecked , the virus would cause the stock market to dip even lower .
The only concession Xi Jinping asked for , was a “ heads up ” so that he and his family could leave China before the bombing commenced .
Slim : “ Bombs away !
Let Buddha sort them out.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
AI Robots are gon na take over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a call to Chinese President, Xi Jinping, President Trump said they discussed carpet bombing China with neutron bombs to knock out the Coronavirus, which originated in China, killing untold thousands while pummeling world financial markets.
A neutron bomb, officially defined as a type of enhanced radiation weapon (ERW), is a low-yield thermonuclear weapon designed to maximize lethal neutron radiation in the immediate vicinity of the blast, while minimizing the physical power of the blast itself. The neutron release generated by a nuclear fusion reaction is intentionally allowed to escape the weapon, rather than being absorbed by its other components.
In a nutshell, the neutron blast can penetrate any surface, completely sanitizing underlying viruses and bacteria up to a depth of two feet, thus making it more lethal as a tactical weapon against the Coronavirus than even a country-wide, balls-to-the-wall, Stanley Steamer treatment. The reduced blast damage was seen as an important advantage over using Stanley Steamer to cleanse China of the virus.
The neutron bomb, although lethal to humans and animals, does not destroy buildings and infrastructure; thus allowing for the eventual repopulation of the decimated countries. Although Trump and Xi admitted that it was a draconian measure, both agreed that, left unchecked, the virus would cause the stock market to dip even lower.
The only concession Xi Jinping asked for, was a “heads up” so that he and his family could leave China before the bombing commenced.
Slim: “Bombs away! Let Buddha sort them out.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. AI Robots are gonna take over anyway. You reap what you sow.”


thespoof--2020-03-02--GOP at CPAC 2020: Let's Empower a Lawless Corrupt Demagogue So We Won't End Up Like Venezuela

Fort Washington , Maryland - The Conservative Political Action Committee ( CPAC ) wrapped up its four-day conference at the @ @ @ @ @ weekend .
The organization , which , like most political action committees , funnels money @ @ @ @ @ , in order to corrupt America 's system of government and subvert Democracy , offered @ @ @ @ @ , and pronounced his opponents , and members of the press as enemies of the @ @ @ @ @ the conference declared that opponents of Trump were all radical , crazed socialists trying to @ @ @ @ @ path of ruin by providing free healthcare and higher education to its citizens .
They @ @ @ @ @ Israel , which provides free healthcare and higher education to its citizens .
Meanwhile , @ @ @ @ @ hotel , were asked if they could tell the difference between statements made by Trump @ @ @ @ @ dictator Hugo Chavez .
They were unable to do so .

Fort Washington, Maryland - The Conservative Political Action Committee (CPAC) wrapped up its four-day conference at the Gaylord Resort here over the weekend. The organization, which, like most political action committees, funnels money from well-heeled donors to politicians, in order to corrupt America's system of government and subvert Democracy, offered President Trump a ringing endorsement, and pronounced his opponents, and members of the press as enemies of the people.
Some speakers at the conference declared that opponents of Trump were all radical, crazed socialists trying to lead the country down the path of ruin by providing free healthcare and higher education to its citizens. They also praised the government of Israel, which provides free healthcare and higher education to its citizens.
Meanwhile, GOP boosters interviewed outside the hotel, were asked if they could tell the difference between statements made by Trump and quotes from former Venezuela dictator Hugo Chavez. They were unable to do so.


thespoof--2020-03-02--Trump To Abolish Leap Year for Treating Him Very Unfairly

WASHINGTON , D.C.- With the stock market plummeting past correction territory , global coronavirus fears , and a constant barrage of criticism from journalists and Democrats for his egregious lies , President Trump announced on February 29th that he will use his executive order to abolish Leap Year .
`` Leap Year has treated me very , very unfairly , '' the 45th President said to a throng of his sycophants in Jupiter , Florida .
`` Nobody knows this , but Leap Year has always been a loser .
Just a terrible , terrible year , and Leap Day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been needed for anything .
If we get rid of both Leap Year and Leap Day , whatever , what is it good for , anyway ?
If we get rid of it , it will save us billions and billions of dollars .
China is making a killing off of us by making us celebrate Leap Year .
It 's a total mess . ''
Julius Caesar was behind the origin of leap year in 45 BC .
The general-turned-consul-turned-dictator , with his astronomer Sosigenes , discovered that Leap Years are necessary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ year is 365.242 days , not 365 days , as commonly stated , and it keeps the Gregorian calendar in sync with the Earth 's rotation around the sun .
When this information was pointed out to President Trump after his speech by a White House fact checker , he replied , `` I know Julius Caesar very well .
He 's doing a tremendous job .
Great guy .
He told me that The Art of the Deal was his favorite book .
Have you read it yet ? ''

WASHINGTON, D.C.- With the stock market plummeting past correction territory, global coronavirus fears, and a constant barrage of criticism from journalists and Democrats for his egregious lies, President Trump announced on February 29th that he will use his executive order to abolish Leap Year.
"Leap Year has treated me very, very unfairly," the 45th President said to a throng of his sycophants in Jupiter, Florida. "Nobody knows this, but Leap Year has always been a loser. Just a terrible, terrible year, and Leap Day is not needed. It's never been needed for anything. If we get rid of both Leap Year and Leap Day, whatever, what is it good for, anyway? If we get rid of it, it will save us billions and billions of dollars. China is making a killing off of us by making us celebrate Leap Year. It's a total mess."
Julius Caesar was behind the origin of leap year in 45 BC. The general-turned-consul-turned-dictator, with his astronomer Sosigenes, discovered that Leap Years are necessary, because the actual length of a year is 365.242 days, not 365 days, as commonly stated, and it keeps the Gregorian calendar in sync with the Earth's rotation around the sun.
When this information was pointed out to President Trump after his speech by a White House fact checker, he replied, "I know Julius Caesar very well. He's doing a tremendous job. Great guy. He told me that The Art of the Deal was his favorite book. Have you read it yet?"


thespoof--2020-03-02--Nashville Man Regrettably Experiences Opposite of Spiritual Awakening

Joshua Hayes of Nashville , Tennessee , attended a day-long Buddhist meditation retreat hoping to achieve a spiritual awakening , only to wind up experiencing the polar opposite : he fell asleep .
`` It was a guided meditation , and the teacher 's voice was really soothing , '' said Hayes .
`` I kept getting more and more relaxed , and thought I might be approaching nirvana .
But instead , I zonked out completely . ''
He chuckled and added , `` Snoring and everything !
It was bad .
On the plus side , though , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lots of other people .
So that ’ s something .
I think they call that being a bodhisattva . ''
As Hayes explained it , his interest in Buddhism comes at a time that he has been struggling to pull himself out of a dark and persistent depression .
`` Maybe subconsciously , I didn ’ t want to wake up , '' he said .
`` The human condition – it ’ s really something ! ''
Despite the spiritual setback , Hayes says that he plans to continue his quest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it was probably a little unrealistic to expect to achieve enlightenment on my very first try , '' he said .
`` I ’ ll nail it one of these days .
And the worst that can happen is a power nap . ''

Joshua Hayes of Nashville, Tennessee, attended a day-long Buddhist meditation retreat hoping to achieve a spiritual awakening, only to wind up experiencing the polar opposite: he fell asleep.
"It was a guided meditation, and the teacher's voice was really soothing," said Hayes. "I kept getting more and more relaxed, and thought I might be approaching nirvana. But instead, I zonked out completely."
He chuckled and added, "Snoring and everything! It was bad. On the plus side, though, it was probably loud enough to awaken lots of other people. So that’s something. I think they call that being a bodhisattva."
As Hayes explained it, his interest in Buddhism comes at a time that he has been struggling to pull himself out of a dark and persistent depression. "Maybe subconsciously, I didn’t want to wake up," he said. "The human condition – it’s really something!"
Despite the spiritual setback, Hayes says that he plans to continue his quest for consciousness. "In retrospect, it was probably a little unrealistic to expect to achieve enlightenment on my very first try," he said. "I’ll nail it one of these days. And the worst that can happen is a power nap."


thespoof--2020-03-02--President Trump Says That He Now Knows Who Brought The Coronavirus To The United States

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump says that he has finally found out how the Coronavirus got to the United States ' shores .
POTUS said that Rudy Giuliani spoke with a member of the Chinese Department of Food , and it appears that the virus was brought to America by a Mr. Changyang Dingming , Jr. , of Shanghai , China .
Mr. Dingming has worked as a checker at Shanghai ’ s Fire-Spewing Dragon Supermarket for 14 years .
Giuliani said that he had to pay $ 7,000 for the information , but added that Trump ’ s Republican @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
He pointed out that the money will simply come out of the Dentures for Senior Citizens Fund .
The FBI has put out an ‘ All Points Bulletin ’ for Dingming , and they hope to apprehend him within the next few days , three weeks tops .
They added that he should be very easy to spot , because he has a big tattoo of an egg roll on his forehead , and he is constantly singing songs by Engelbert Humperdinck and Reba McEntire .
IN CLOSING – President Trump said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the men , women , children , and babies of America that the Chinese checker will soon be caught , put in prison , and executed without a trial .
”

WASHINGTON D.C. – President Trump says that he has finally found out how the Coronavirus got to the United States' shores.
POTUS said that Rudy Giuliani spoke with a member of the Chinese Department of Food, and it appears that the virus was brought to America by a Mr. Changyang Dingming, Jr., of Shanghai, China.
Mr. Dingming has worked as a checker at Shanghai’s Fire-Spewing Dragon Supermarket for 14 years.
Giuliani said that he had to pay $7,000 for the information, but added that Trump’s Republican base is perfectly fine with that expense. He pointed out that the money will simply come out of the Dentures for Senior Citizens Fund.
The FBI has put out an ‘All Points Bulletin’ for Dingming, and they hope to apprehend him within the next few days, three weeks tops.
They added that he should be very easy to spot, because he has a big tattoo of an egg roll on his forehead, and he is constantly singing songs by Engelbert Humperdinck and Reba McEntire.
IN CLOSING – President Trump said about Dingming, “I promise all of the men, women, children, and babies of America that the Chinese checker will soon be caught, put in prison, and executed without a trial.”


thespoof--2020-03-02--Joe and Jill Biden Are Already Picking Out The New Colors For The White House Carpets

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Mr. and Mrs. Joe Biden celebrated his fantastic victory in the South Carolina Primary well into the wee hours .
Reports are that the happy couple danced to the music of Led Zeppelin , The Eagles , and The Barenaked Ladies while dining on Crab Rangoon , Mac & Cheese , and Guacamole Pizza .
Joe was asked by a reporter with The Washington Globe Express how he felt .
He grinned , grabbed Jill , and said , “ I feel fantastic .
In fact , if I was two years younger , Jilly and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ suite doing the mattress jig hoedown right now . ''
Jill remarked that she has already started checking out the various color schemes for the White House carpeting .
Joe said that the first thing he is going to do when they move into the White House , is to have the entire place triple-sprayed to get rid of the horrible hairspray smell that “ Old Little Fingers ” Trump is responsible for .
Jill giggled , and said that an inside source told her that Trump has about 17 full-length mirrors in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she heard that he has a photo of first daughter Ivanka who is known as “ The White House Barbie ” in a skimpy red MAGA bikini swimsuit on his night stand .
IN OTHER NEWS – Sean Hannity has gone on record as saying that if Joe Biden wins the presidency he will move to Kenya .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mr. and Mrs. Joe Biden celebrated his fantastic victory in the South Carolina Primary well into the wee hours.
Reports are that the happy couple danced to the music of Led Zeppelin, The Eagles, and The Barenaked Ladies while dining on Crab Rangoon, Mac & Cheese, and Guacamole Pizza.
Joe was asked by a reporter with The Washington Globe Express how he felt. He grinned, grabbed Jill, and said, “I feel fantastic. In fact, if I was two years younger, Jilly and I would be up in our hotel suite doing the mattress jig hoedown right now."
Jill remarked that she has already started checking out the various color schemes for the White House carpeting.
Joe said that the first thing he is going to do when they move into the White House, is to have the entire place triple-sprayed to get rid of the horrible hairspray smell that “Old Little Fingers” Trump is responsible for.
Jill giggled, and said that an inside source told her that Trump has about 17 full-length mirrors in his master bedroom. She remarked that she heard that he has a photo of first daughter Ivanka who is known as “The White House Barbie” in a skimpy red MAGA bikini swimsuit on his night stand.
IN OTHER NEWS – Sean Hannity has gone on record as saying that if Joe Biden wins the presidency he will move to Kenya.


thespoof--2020-03-03--South Carolina Woman Wowed by Trump Rally

Carrie Richie came away `` amazed and inspired '' from United States President Donald Trump ’ s recent campaign rally in North Charleston , South Carolina .
“ Think what you like about Trump , his energy was incredible , ” said Richie , whose 17-year-old son , Wade , accompanied her to the event .
“ This was the first time I ’ d ever seen a president in real life , so this was huge for me.
” Richie explained that she encourages Wade to speak his mind politically .
“ These days , conservatives are so discriminated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I tell Wade that he has a responsibility to speak up for Republicans , because if he doesn ’ t , who else will ?
” Another aspect of Trump ’ s rally that impressed her , said Richie , was the diversity of the audience .
“ I was sitting next to a black man , ” she said .
“ And he seemed to know a lot about the issues .
He told me how unfortunate it was that more black people do n't seem to understand how much Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if she was troubled by Trump ’ s impeachment trial and the evidence that Trump withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to pressure Ukrainian officials into investigating his political rival Joe Biden , Richie stated , “ Well , he didn ’ t end up being impeached .
To me , that kind of says it all.
” Richie added that , as someone whose mother was the child of Ukrainian immigrants , if she does not take issue with Trump ’ s behavior , there is really reason that anyone else @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like climate change , Richie stated that she does not trouble herself over things like Trump ’ s lift of bans on oil drilling in Arctic reserves .
“ People complain about oil drilling , but then they still want to drive their cars , ” she pointed out .
“ They can ’ t have it all.
” Richie said that rather than worry about global warming , she prefers to focus on doing her part locally by volunteering for Charleston ’ s oyster restoration project .
“ I don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lot of people really love them , ” she said .
`` I think it 's important that they be preserved . ''
All told , Richie says that she will count attending the Trump rally as one of her pivotal life events .
“ My brother and sister are very liberal , and they think that I don ’ t know anything about politics , ” she said .
“ But I think they ’ re the ones who are closed-minded .
If they just stopped and listened to what Trump is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , they might actually learn something .
”

Carrie Richie came away "amazed and inspired" from United States President Donald Trump’s recent campaign rally in North Charleston, South Carolina.
“Think what you like about Trump, his energy was incredible,” said Richie, whose 17-year-old son, Wade, accompanied her to the event. “This was the first time I’d ever seen a president in real life, so this was huge for me.”
Richie explained that she encourages Wade to speak his mind politically. “These days, conservatives are so discriminated against,,” she said. “I tell Wade that he has a responsibility to speak up for Republicans, because if he doesn’t, who else will?”
Another aspect of Trump’s rally that impressed her, said Richie, was the diversity of the audience. “I was sitting next to a black man,” she said. “And he seemed to know a lot about the issues. He told me how unfortunate it was that more black people don't seem to understand how much Trump is doing for them.”
When asked if she was troubled by Trump’s impeachment trial and the evidence that Trump withheld military aid to Ukraine in order to pressure Ukrainian officials into investigating his political rival Joe Biden, Richie stated, “Well, he didn’t end up being impeached. To me, that kind of says it all.”
Richie added that, as someone whose mother was the child of Ukrainian immigrants, if she does not take issue with Trump’s behavior, there is really reason that anyone else should.
With regard to hot topics like climate change, Richie stated that she does not trouble herself over things like Trump’s lift of bans on oil drilling in Arctic reserves. “People complain about oil drilling, but then they still want to drive their cars,” she pointed out. “They can’t have it all.”
Richie said that rather than worry about global warming, she prefers to focus on doing her part locally by volunteering for Charleston’s oyster restoration project. “I don’t eat oysters, but I know a lot of people really love them,” she said. "I think it's important that they be preserved."
All told, Richie says that she will count attending the Trump rally as one of her pivotal life events. “My brother and sister are very liberal, and they think that I don’t know anything about politics,” she said. “But I think they’re the ones who are closed-minded. If they just stopped and listened to what Trump is saying instead of criticizing him all the time, they might actually learn something.”


thespoof--2020-03-03--Joe Biden Is Endorsed by Pete Buttigieg, Amy Klobuchar, and Beto O’Rourke At a Dallas Campaign Rally

DALLAS – Joe Biden had a huge campaign rally at The Ten-Gallon Hat Convention Center in Big D. The first to endorse him was Pete “ The Kid ” Buttigieg .
He said that he likes Biden because he has never made a gay joke unlike President “ Rhino Butt ” Trump who averages 6.7 gay jokes a day .
He also pointed out that Trump has said on many occasions that Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon both have very pronounced lisps .
Pete noted that he has never once heard Cooper or Lemon lisp , although he has heard @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Stormy , vibrator , hooha , and Pocahontas on several occasions .
Amy Klobuchar told the crowd that unlike the “ Mar-a-Lago Liar ” , Joe Biden ’ s face looks very normal , whereas “ Blimpy ” looks like a bag of Family-Sized Cheetos exploded in his face .
Klobuchar went on to say that in all honesty Trump ’ s IQ is probably around the low 40s .
She laughed and said that he is so dumb , that he most probably would have a hard time spelling the word @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the u and the two s ’ s .
Texas native , Beto O ’ Rourke , took the stage in his cowboy hat , his buckskin chaps , his gingham blue western shirt , and his Roy Rogers cowboy boots .
Securty guards did ask him to please leave his appaloosa out on the parking lot .
He really fired up the crowd when he said that Joe Biden is going to kick the Trumpster ’ s testicles so hard , that they are going to end up mingling with his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Scott Baio , was in attendance wearing a pink MAGA cap and Daisy Duke short shorts .
He was promptly arrested by a couple of Texas Rangers who quickly drove him to the Texas-Oklahoma state line and tossed his tinsel town ass over into Oklahoma .

DALLAS – Joe Biden had a huge campaign rally at The Ten-Gallon Hat Convention Center in Big D.
The first to endorse him was Pete “The Kid” Buttigieg. He said that he likes Biden because he has never made a gay joke unlike President “Rhino Butt” Trump who averages 6.7 gay jokes a day.
He also pointed out that Trump has said on many occasions that Anderson Cooper and Don Lemon both have very pronounced lisps.
Pete noted that he has never once heard Cooper or Lemon lisp, although he has heard Trump slur the words collusion, masturbate, Stormy, vibrator, hooha, and Pocahontas on several occasions.
Amy Klobuchar told the crowd that unlike the “Mar-a-Lago Liar”, Joe Biden’s face looks very normal, whereas “Blimpy” looks like a bag of Family-Sized Cheetos exploded in his face.
Klobuchar went on to say that in all honesty Trump’s IQ is probably around the low 40s. She laughed and said that he is so dumb, that he most probably would have a hard time spelling the word pussy if you spotted him the p, the u and the two s’s.
Texas native, Beto O’Rourke, took the stage in his cowboy hat, his buckskin chaps, his gingham blue western shirt, and his Roy Rogers cowboy boots. Securty guards did ask him to please leave his appaloosa out on the parking lot.
He really fired up the crowd when he said that Joe Biden is going to kick the Trumpster’s testicles so hard, that they are going to end up mingling with his tonsils.
IN CLOSING – Trump supporter, Scott Baio, was in attendance wearing a pink MAGA cap and Daisy Duke short shorts. He was promptly arrested by a couple of Texas Rangers who quickly drove him to the Texas-Oklahoma state line and tossed his tinsel town ass over into Oklahoma.


thespoof--2020-03-04--Eilish Fever: Pandemic Could Get Worse, CDC Says

In what the CDC once described as a small but controllable event , the PANI-C virus , better known as Eilish Fever , has since escalated into a global catastrophe .
First identified in 2016 , when pop artist Billie Eilish released her debut single , “ Ocean Eyes ” , the CDC considered the viral influence to be insignificant in its early stages .
Soon , however , it was discovered that experts had drastically underestimated the highly-infectious nature of the virus , as it began its rapid spread throughout the United States and beyond .
Rebecca Baker , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the following statement addressing the initial outbreak , and the organization ’ s strategy : “ Regarding the onset of PANI-C , we at the CDC found no conclusive evidence to support that the virus would become an emergency of international concern , ” she told reporters .
“ In fact , we had seen similar , albeit smaller cases in previous years , such as the Tekashi69 epidemic , and the Kesha outbreak of 2009 .
Our preliminary plan was to contain Eilish Fever as we had with previous outbreaks , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than we anticipated .
To be blunt , we really fucked it up this time.
” As it stands , the virus appears to disproportionately infect younger individuals , especially those between the ages of 8 and 25 .
However , cases have also been identified in persons as old as 40 , generally suffering from underlying health conditions such as a midlife crisis , or just a horrific taste in music .
Symptoms tend to range from an aggressive appetite for hard seltzer , specifically White Claw , to uncontrollable urges for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ identify themselves as “ 90s kids ” primarily hit the hardest .
For Rebecca Baker , the disease has struck too close to home , with her oldest daughter , Bridget , 17 , falling victim to the ghastly disease : “ She just sits in her room all day , ” Ms. Baker told the press .
Though , while she applauds her eldest for her precaution to self-quarantine , she wishes her daughter would simply unlock the damn door : “ I ’ ve no idea what she ’ s up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clearly active on Facebook and Instagram , but she appears to be unable to reply to any of my messages.
” When reached for a statement regarding her condition via the popular social media app , Tik Tok , Baker ’ s daughter had this to say : The response was sobering , as it was clear that the poor child had no understanding that she was suffering from a terrible disease .
When shown the correspondence , Bridget ’ s mother was inconsolable and unable to give a statement .
In the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ CDC finally announced that the PANI-C virus had officially become a global pandemic .
In response to the report , President Donald Trump held a press conference , where he informed the nation that Vice President Mike Pence would be put in charge of leading the task force to combat the disease .
The appointment was criticized as irresponsible by many , with skeptics pointing to the Vice President ’ s own track record of having shitty taste in music , including Christian Contemporary - which , if we ’ re being honest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the push back , Pence and his task force set forth to get in front of the spread .
Working in tandem with the WHO and CDC , experts were finally able to determine that the virus was , astonishingly , extraterrestrial in origin .
The discovery proved difficult for the public to grasp until the WHO released their findings , proving that if played backwards , the Eilish smash hit “ Bad Guy ” , reveals the true nature of the virus : “ It ’ s all there , ” Vice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ There is no longer any debate .
Billie Eilish is a humanoid alien from the planet Magnok , whose species ' whole purpose is to enslave Earth with their perfect pitch and snappy songwriting.
” In the wake of the findings , the United States government acted fast and detained the clever Magnok singer in an effort to better understand the threat posed to our planet .
It was revealed through a series of interviews , which many argued were inhumane and questionable in nature , that the Magnoks had discovered our race @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they had been gradually enslaving Earth through shitty music for over 40 years .
Eilish reportedly even expressed surprise that it , “ took so long for you retards to figure it out.
” On the heels of the groundbreaking discovery , President Trump announced that he would , for the first time , assemble the widely infamous Space Force to do battle with our newly-found intergalactic foe on the final frontier .
The highly-elite team , comprised of the cast from Star Trek : Deep Space Nine , and led by Bill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to begin their Herculean venture to the stars in a matter of days .
Although , due to insufficient capacity inside the craft , Mr. Paxton ’ s lifeless body will be strapped to the top of the vessel using an intricate series of bungee cords , then subsequently shot into space .
While President Trump ’ s decision to take the battle to the Magnoks has inspired hope in many , the fact still remains that Eilish Fever continues to ravage our planet .
As such , the CDC and WHO have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to their nearest designated “ safe zone ” , such as a local library , senior living community , or the house of anyone who is kind of a douche about music .
In time , humankind can only wait and pray that Bill Paxton ’ s cold cadaver can lead Space Force to victory , and thus , save us all from intergalactic enslavement at the hands of Billie Eilish and the Magnoks .
Goodnight , good luck , and as always , may God bless the United States of America .

In what the CDC once described as a small but controllable event, the PANI-C virus, better known as Eilish Fever, has since escalated into a global catastrophe. First identified in 2016, when pop artist Billie Eilish released her debut single, “Ocean Eyes”, the CDC considered the viral influence to be insignificant in its early stages. Soon, however, it was discovered that experts had drastically underestimated the highly-infectious nature of the virus, as it began its rapid spread throughout the United States and beyond. Rebecca Baker, a spokesperson for the CDC, made the following statement addressing the initial outbreak, and the organization’s strategy:
“Regarding the onset of PANI-C, we at the CDC found no conclusive evidence to support that the virus would become an emergency of international concern,” she told reporters. “In fact, we had seen similar, albeit smaller cases in previous years, such as the Tekashi69 epidemic, and the Kesha outbreak of 2009. Our preliminary plan was to contain Eilish Fever as we had with previous outbreaks, but the disease has spread far more quickly than we anticipated. To be blunt, we really fucked it up this time.”
As it stands, the virus appears to disproportionately infect younger individuals, especially those between the ages of 8 and 25. However, cases have also been identified in persons as old as 40, generally suffering from underlying health conditions such as a midlife crisis, or just a horrific taste in music. Symptoms tend to range from an aggressive appetite for hard seltzer, specifically White Claw, to uncontrollable urges for social media attention; with those who identify themselves as “90s kids” primarily hit the hardest. For Rebecca Baker, the disease has struck too close to home, with her oldest daughter, Bridget, 17, falling victim to the ghastly disease:
“She just sits in her room all day,” Ms. Baker told the press.
Though, while she applauds her eldest for her precaution to self-quarantine, she wishes her daughter would simply unlock the damn door:
“I’ve no idea what she’s up to in there. She’s clearly active on Facebook and Instagram, but she appears to be unable to reply to any of my messages.”
When reached for a statement regarding her condition via the popular social media app, Tik Tok, Baker’s daughter had this to say:
“idk, she’s just cool i guess. billie eilish gets me.”
The response was sobering, as it was clear that the poor child had no understanding that she was suffering from a terrible disease. When shown the correspondence, Bridget’s mother was inconsolable and unable to give a statement.
In the years following the initial outbreak, the CDC finally announced that the PANI-C virus had officially become a global pandemic. In response to the report, President Donald Trump held a press conference, where he informed the nation that Vice President Mike Pence would be put in charge of leading the task force to combat the disease. The appointment was criticized as irresponsible by many, with skeptics pointing to the Vice President’s own track record of having shitty taste in music, including Christian Contemporary - which, if we’re being honest, really sucks balls.
Regardless of the push back, Pence and his task force set forth to get in front of the spread. Working in tandem with the WHO and CDC, experts were finally able to determine that the virus was, astonishingly, extraterrestrial in origin. The discovery proved difficult for the public to grasp until the WHO released their findings, proving that if played backwards, the Eilish smash hit “Bad Guy”, reveals the true nature of the virus:
“It’s all there,” Vice President Pence said to reporters. “There is no longer any debate. Billie Eilish is a humanoid alien from the planet Magnok, whose species' whole purpose is to enslave Earth with their perfect pitch and snappy songwriting.”
In the wake of the findings, the United States government acted fast and detained the clever Magnok singer in an effort to better understand the threat posed to our planet. It was revealed through a series of interviews, which many argued were inhumane and questionable in nature, that the Magnoks had discovered our race in the late 1970s, and that they had been gradually enslaving Earth through shitty music for over 40 years. Eilish reportedly even expressed surprise that it, “took so long for you retards to figure it out.”
On the heels of the groundbreaking discovery, President Trump announced that he would, for the first time, assemble the widely infamous Space Force to do battle with our newly-found intergalactic foe on the final frontier. The highly-elite team, comprised of the cast from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, and led by Bill Paxton’s corpse, are set to begin their Herculean venture to the stars in a matter of days. Although, due to insufficient capacity inside the craft, Mr. Paxton’s lifeless body will be strapped to the top of the vessel using an intricate series of bungee cords, then subsequently shot into space.
While President Trump’s decision to take the battle to the Magnoks has inspired hope in many, the fact still remains that Eilish Fever continues to ravage our planet. As such, the CDC and WHO have strongly urged those not infected to move to their nearest designated “safe zone”, such as a local library, senior living community, or the house of anyone who is kind of a douche about music. In time, humankind can only wait and pray that Bill Paxton’s cold cadaver can lead Space Force to victory, and thus, save us all from intergalactic enslavement at the hands of Billie Eilish and the Magnoks.
Goodnight, good luck, and as always, may God bless the United States of America.


thespoof--2020-03-04--Trump’s Albino Raccoon Hairpiece Arrested By FBI Storm Troopers

BILLINGSGATE POST : A potential apocalypse averted : Outmanned and outgunned , the albino raccoon hairpiece of President Trump surrendered to FBI Storm Troopers early this morning .
In an audacious mix of chutzpah and downright arrogance , the FBI strike force completed its mission without firing a shot .
Armed to the teeth , with automatic weapons equipped with night vision scopes , dozens of camouflaged FBI goombahs wearing raccoon-proof vests , emerged from armored attack vehicles outside the White House .
The sun had yet to rise .
Darkness was their friend .
Not since Attorney General Janet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ compound belonging to the Branch Davidians in 1993 , has there been such a display of might against a civilian or raccoon target .
In this battle , four ATF agents and six Branch Davidians were killed .
The albino raccoon hairpiece decorating the balding pate of President Trump was caught by surprise .
A gift from Vladimir Putin , how was Trump to know that the beady eyes that peered out from under the orangish hair recorded everything the President did or said ?
Trump trusted Vladimir like a brother .
And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ son .
“ I would like to inform you that we have to confiscate your hairpiece under provisions of the Alien and Sedition Acts .
Regretfully , we will have to relieve you of your albino raccoon hairpiece and deport it back to Russia .
The raccoon was wired and sending everything you said back to Vladimir.
” Trump : “ You got ta be kidding .
I trusted that sum bitch .
Can ’ t believe he would do that to me .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: A potential apocalypse averted: Outmanned and outgunned, the albino raccoon hairpiece of President Trump surrendered to FBI Storm Troopers early this morning. In an audacious mix of chutzpah and downright arrogance, the FBI strike force completed its mission without firing a shot.
Armed to the teeth, with automatic weapons equipped with night vision scopes, dozens of camouflaged FBI goombahs wearing raccoon-proof vests, emerged from armored attack vehicles outside the White House. The sun had yet to rise. Darkness was their friend.
Roger Stone: “Deja vu all over again.”
Not since Attorney General Janet Reno ordered the Waco siege of a compound belonging to the Branch Davidians in 1993, has there been such a display of might against a civilian or raccoon target. In this battle, four ATF agents and six Branch Davidians were killed.
The albino raccoon hairpiece decorating the balding pate of President Trump was caught by surprise. A gift from Vladimir Putin, how was Trump to know that the beady eyes that peered out from under the orangish hair recorded everything the President did or said? Trump trusted Vladimir like a brother. And he loved his new hairpiece like a son.
“Mr. President, sir,” exclaimed the Squadron Leader.
“I would like to inform you that we have to confiscate your hairpiece under provisions of the Alien and Sedition Acts. Regretfully, we will have to relieve you of your albino raccoon hairpiece and deport it back to Russia. The raccoon was wired and sending everything you said back to Vladimir.”
Trump: “You gotta be kidding. I trusted that sum bitch. Can’t believe he would do that to me.”
Slim: “Never trust a commie-pinko bearing gifts.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Or their proletariat friends.”


thespoof--2020-03-03--GOP, Moderate Dems Horrified by Bernie Sanders Threat to Stop Top 1 Percent From Eventually Owning E

GOP, Moderate Dems Horrified by Bernie Sanders Threat to Stop Top 1 Percent From Eventually Owning Everything

Washington - As the Presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders gained momentum in early primaries , Republicans , and even some moderate Democrats , became increasingly alarmed that the wealth distribution policies of the Progressive Democrat might actually reverse the decades-long trend of concentrating most of the wealth in the hands a few people .
Estimates place the percentage of wealth in the United States owned by the top 1 % of all citizens at well above 40 percent , which , at the current rate of confiscation , should have them owning almost the whole country in about 3-4 decades @ @ @ @ @ @ @ effect by Donald Trump - one of the 1 % - accelerated the trend in recent years by pursuing policies of much lower tax rates for wealthy individuals and corporations , paid for by trillion-dollar deficits , and demanding the Federal Reserve keep interest rates near zero , so the top earners could borrow more money and confiscate more wealth .
So it was understandable when billionaire Trump bequeathed the title of `` Crazy Bernie '' to Sanders in various speeches and tweets to his loyal followers , most of whose offspring will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

Washington - As the Presidential campaign of Bernie Sanders gained momentum in early primaries, Republicans, and even some moderate Democrats, became increasingly alarmed that the wealth distribution policies of the Progressive Democrat might actually reverse the decades-long trend of concentrating most of the wealth in the hands a few people.
Estimates place the percentage of wealth in the United States owned by the top 1% of all citizens at well above 40 percent, which, at the current rate of confiscation, should have them owning almost the whole country in about 3-4 decades.
The wealth distribution plan put into effect by Donald Trump - one of the 1% - accelerated the trend in recent years by pursuing policies of much lower tax rates for wealthy individuals and corporations, paid for by trillion-dollar deficits, and demanding the Federal Reserve keep interest rates near zero, so the top earners could borrow more money and confiscate more wealth.
So it was understandable when billionaire Trump bequeathed the title of "Crazy Bernie" to Sanders in various speeches and tweets to his loyal followers, most of whose offspring will own nothing, if current trends continue.