thespoof--2020-05-16--Donald Trump To Resign

Donald Trump To Resign

Donald Trump announced at a Rose Garden press conference , ( no questions , please ) that he plans to resign before the election to spend more time with his wife and family .
After the news reporters stopped laughing , much to Mr. Trump ’ s chagrin , though previously ordered not to ask any questions , Jim Acosta of CNN , stood and sang , in full baritone voice , “ What is the rest of the joke , not that I ’ m asking ?
” Trump ’ s eyes squinted to near shut and then directed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out of the Rose Garden .
“ That $ % > # ?
& , I always wanted to do that to that fake reporter since I got here.
” Finally , Trump managed to regain his composure and continued , “ I ’ ve noticed that this job has taken more of my time than I originally anticipated .
I have a wife and young son who need me at this time.
” Again the reporters regaled into peals of laughter , some using their face masks to wipe away the tears @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , no one asked a follow up question .
“ I ’ ll resign in September , Mike Pence will be sworn in by Attorney General William Barr , and I ’ ll take Air Force One to Mar-a-Lago , and I 'm keeping Air Force One .
Mitch McConnell already okayed it . ''
A reporter volunteered , “ We can only assume that your resignation was motivated by the Supreme Court ’ s recent unanimous decision ordering you to release all of your financial and tax records and connections with Deutsche @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to actually pick up the wheels turning in Trump ’ s head as he tried to determine whether that was a question or not .
The pause was taking too much time , so Trump continued with his announcement .
“ Given that while living and working at the White House , I may have accidentally broken one or two pieces of china , ( which he pronounced ssh-In-nah ) President Pence will pardon me of everything I ’ ve ever done in the past , present and future.
” He quickly continued @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for any property damage just like Obama paid for before he left the White House in a shambles.
” Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Alleluia!
Donald Trump announced at a Rose Garden press conference, (no questions, please) that he plans to resign before the election to spend more time with his wife and family.
After the news reporters stopped laughing, much to Mr. Trump’s chagrin, though previously ordered not to ask any questions, Jim Acosta of CNN, stood and sang, in a full baritone voice, “What is the rest of the joke, not that I’m asking?”
Trump’s eyes squinted to near shut and then directed the Secret Service to remove Mr. Acosta out of the Rose Garden. “That $%>#?&, I always wanted to do that to that fake reporter since I got here.”
Finally, Trump managed to regain his composure and continued, “I’ve noticed that this job has taken more of my time than I originally anticipated. I have a wife and a young son who need me at this time.”
Again the reporters regaled into peals of laughter, some using their face masks to wipe away the tears, others managing high fives. Yet, no one asked a follow-up question.
“I’ll resign in September, Mike Pence will be sworn in by Attorney General William Barr, and I’ll take Air Force One to Mar-a-Lago, and I'm keeping Air Force One. Mitch McConnell already okayed it."
A reporter volunteered, “We can only assume that your resignation was motivated by the Supreme Court’s recent unanimous decision ordering you to release all of your financial and tax records and connections with Deutsche Bank.”
The television cameras were able to actually pick up the wheels turning in Trump’s head as he tried to determine whether that was a question or not.
The pause was taking too much time, so Trump continued with his announcement. “Given that while living and working at the White House, I may have accidentally broken one or two pieces of china, (which he pronounced ssh-In-Nah) President Pence will pardon me of everything I’ve ever done in the past, present and future.”
He quickly continued, “And I’ll pay for any property damage just like Obama paid for before he left the White House in a shambles.”
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-05-16--Chanel's Latest Perfume Post Coronavirus Life--L' Amor Avec Hand Sanitizer

Chanel , the world 's leading perfume maker will launch a new line of perfumes that reflect our new world order .
According to Chanel executives , the new line of perfumes will be called , L'Amor Avec Hand Sanitizer ( Love with Hand Sanitizer ) .
Chanel expects the product will be in stores by June 1 , and on-line by late May .
Chanel CEO , Alain Wertheimer , appeared before a crowd of masked reporters to promote their latest product .
`` Coronavirus creates a new market for us .
Entirely new opportunities .
A new global @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Wertheimer .
According to Wertheimer , whether you are at home , work , the store , or in the bedroom , L'Amor Avec Hand Sanitizer is for you .
`` Let 's say you want `` special '' attention .
Just put a few drops of L'Amor Avec Hand Sanitizer behind your ear , neck , thighs , or wherever , and the tiger in your man will come roaring out .
In today 's environment , this is a better aphrodisiac than viagra !
`` Mr Wertheimer explained that Chanel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ `` Making a cologne for men is difficult because women value safety more than men .
But Chanel understands women so we shall name the cologne `` Homme Sans Virus '' , which is Virus-free Man , in English . ''
Chanel 's announcement sent their stock soaring , from $ 37.28 per share to $ 48.57 .
Jim Cramer , of Mad Money on CNBC , was extremely bullish on the stock , '' ... you got ta own this stock .
Buy Chanel and sell Pfizer , the makers of Viagra @ @ @ @ @ @ @ . ''

Reporting for Vogue Magazine from Paris, France.
Chanel, the world's leading perfume maker will launch a new line of perfumes that reflect our new world order. According to Chanel executives, the new line of perfumes will be called, L'Amor Avec Hand Sanitizer (Love with Hand Sanitizer). Chanel expects the product will be in stores by June 1, and on-line by late May.
Chanel CEO, Alain Wertheimer, appeared before a crowd of masked reporters to promote their latest product. "Coronavirus creates a new market for us. Entirely new opportunities. A new global market, I am thrilled," said Wertheimer.
According to Wertheimer, whether you are at home, work, the store, or in the bedroom, L'Amor Avec Hand Sanitizer is for you. "Let's say you want "special" attention. Just put a few drops of L'Amor Avec Hand Sanitizer behind your ear, neck, thighs, or wherever, and the tiger in your man will come roaring out. In today's environment, this is a better aphrodisiac than viagra! "
Mr Wertheimer explained that Chanel is working on a male companion. "Making a cologne for men is difficult because women value safety more than men. But Chanel understands women so we shall name the cologne "Homme Sans Virus", which is Virus-free Man, in English."
Chanel's announcement sent their stock soaring, from $37.28 per share to $48.57. Jim Cramer, of Mad Money on CNBC, was extremely bullish on the stock,"...you gotta own this stock. Buy Chanel and sell Pfizer, the makers of Viagra. That's yesterday's love potion."


thespoof--2020-05-18--CDC Joins Forces With Mosquito Joe for Targeted Virus Control

As a number of states begin to loosen up their COVID-19 lockdowns , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with extermination service Mosquito Joe to help people rid their backyards of the coronavirus and other pests that could potentially put a damper on outdoor fun .
“ We appreciate the targeted , on-site approach that Mosquito Joe takes to pest control , ” said CDC Director Robert Redfield .
“ While it may not be feasible in the short term to entirely eliminate all bacteria , viruses , and other microbial activity from the outdoors , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus outbreak from happening at , say , a birthday party.
” On its part , Mosquito Joe says that it is honored to take on an active-duty role in the war against the virus .
“ It ’ s the least we can do for our country , ” stated Mosquito Joe marketing director Lou Champion .
“ Sanitizing the outdoors with toxic chemicals is our specialty , and we ’ re delighted to have now gone viral . ''
Notwithstanding the new corporate partnership , the CDC warns that any outdoor @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into direct contact with nature remains extremely unsafe , and is to be undertaken only with great fear .
“ Staying inside is still best practice , ” said Redfield .
“ But if you must venture out into the open air , please don ’ t try to do so without the support of pesticides .
”

As a number of states begin to loosen up their COVID-19 lockdowns, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with extermination service Mosquito Joe to help people rid their backyards of the coronavirus and other pests that could potentially put a damper on outdoor fun.
“We appreciate the targeted, on-site approach that Mosquito Joe takes to pest control,” said CDC Director Robert Redfield. “While it may not be feasible in the short term to entirely eliminate all bacteria, viruses, and other microbial activity from the outdoors, we can at least try to keep a coronavirus outbreak from happening at, say, a birthday party.”
On its part, Mosquito Joe says that it is honored to take on an active-duty role in the war against the virus. “It’s the least we can do for our country,” stated Mosquito Joe marketing director Lou Champion. “Sanitizing the outdoors with toxic chemicals is our specialty, and we’re delighted to have now gone viral."
Notwithstanding the new corporate partnership, the CDC warns that any outdoor activity that risks bringing a human being into direct contact with nature remains extremely unsafe, and is to be undertaken only with great fear. “Staying inside is still best practice,” said Redfield. “But if you must venture out into the open air, please don’t try to do so without the support of pesticides.”


thespoof--2020-05-18--Trump Gets All-Clear From Tax Auditors

Trump Gets All-Clear From Tax Auditors

After three years of delay after delay after delay in submitting his tax and financial records for audit , President @ @ @ @ @ morning received the all-clear thumbs-up from the Inland Revenue Service ( IRS ) , who @ @ @ @ @ , financially , a clean bill of health .
Indeed , it was so clean @ @ @ @ @ dinner off it .
Mr. Trump had been rather evasive when asked to present tax @ @ @ @ @ but after a meeting with three IRS officials at a McDonalds in Washington , DC @ @ @ @ @ restaurant , went to his bank , emerged with a brief case , went back @ @ @ @ @ the brief case to the officials , whereupon the trio left smiling , patting each @ @ @ @ @ It 's not known , for certain , what was in the brief case , @ @ @ @ @ the documents that were needed for his tax assessment .

After three years of delay after delay after delay in submitting his tax and financial records for audit, President Donald Trump has, this morning received the all-clear thumbs-up from the Inland Revenue Service (IRS), who have commented that he has, financially, a clean bill of health.
Indeed, it was so clean, you could eat your dinner off it.
Mr. Trump had been rather evasive when asked to present tax records in the past, but after a meeting with three IRS officials at a McDonalds in Washington, DC, the President left the restaurant, went to his bank, emerged with a brief case, went back to McDonalds, and handed the brief case to the officials, whereupon the trio left smiling, patting each other on the back.
It's not known, for certain, what was in the brief case, but it was probably all the documents that were needed for his tax assessment.


thespoof--2020-05-17--Nashville Man Maintains Healthy Level of Panic over Coronavirus

“ At first , it didn ’ t seem like a big deal – so what if I get sick , was my take on things , ” said 28-year-old Matt Fisher of Nashville , Tennessee , regarding the widely publicized coronavirus pandemic .
“ But eventually , I came to realize I should have been terrified all along.
” Matt explained that , in the past , he ’ d generally made a practice of avoiding mainstream media and instead staying informed via a few carefully curated news sites .
At the insistent urging of his more conventionally conscious @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to tune in to regular television – and realized all that he ’ d been missing .
“ I ’ ve always loved horror flicks , ” he said .
“ And they made me feel like I was starring in one – or at least I could if I wanted to.
” Thanks to getting up to speed on COVID-19 , Matt now goes grocery shopping only once a month and only at off-peak hours , wearing a mask and gloves and diligently maintaining appropriate physical distance between him and other humans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ managed to avoid any skin-to-skin contact with the outside world at all , Matt nevertheless maintains what he describes as a healthy level of panic over the possibility of becoming infected with the coronavirus , and becoming part of the approximate 0.3 % who die – or , even worse , becoming a symptomless carrier of COVID-19 .
“ I can ’ t imagine anything worse than unknowingly having the virus my whole life and never experiencing any ill effects whatsoever , ” he said .
“ I ’ ve heard there are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that , too .
They ’ re so tricky , these things.
” Having narrowly survived his blissful nonchalance over getting sick , what ’ s giving Matt the fortitude to continue to carry on during these uniquely dangerous times with viruses and bacteria lurking everywhere ?
“ I ’ m clinging to the hope that , within the next eighteen months , they ’ ll come up with a vaccine that ’ s at least half as effective as the flu vaccine , which they say is about fifty-percent effective , '' @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the government and private contractors finish honing full-scale surveillance systems to monitor us twenty-four-seven to keep us all safe .
And in the meantime , we need to stay vigilant and not become complacent .
We wo n't get anywhere if we lose our heads over this .
”

“At first, it didn’t seem like a big deal – so what if I get sick, was my take on things,” said 28-year-old Matt Fisher of Nashville, Tennessee, regarding the widely publicized coronavirus pandemic. “But eventually, I came to realize I should have been terrified all along.”
Matt explained that, in the past, he’d generally made a practice of avoiding mainstream media and instead staying informed via a few carefully curated news sites. At the insistent urging of his more conventionally conscious friends, however, he finally decided to tune in to regular television – and realized all that he’d been missing. “I’ve always loved horror flicks,” he said. “And they made me feel like I was starring in one – or at least I could if I wanted to.”
Thanks to getting up to speed on COVID-19, Matt now goes grocery shopping only once a month and only at off-peak hours, wearing a mask and gloves and diligently maintaining appropriate physical distance between him and other humans. While he’s thus far managed to avoid any skin-to-skin contact with the outside world at all, Matt nevertheless maintains what he describes as a healthy level of panic over the possibility of becoming infected with the coronavirus, and becoming part of the approximate 0.3% who die – or, even worse, becoming a symptomless carrier of COVID-19.
“I can’t imagine anything worse than unknowingly having the virus my whole life and never experiencing any ill effects whatsoever,” he said. “I’ve heard there are even some other viruses that sometimes do that, too. They’re so tricky, these things.”
Having narrowly survived his blissful nonchalance over getting sick, what’s giving Matt the fortitude to continue to carry on during these uniquely dangerous times with viruses and bacteria lurking everywhere?
“I’m clinging to the hope that, within the next eighteen months, they’ll come up with a vaccine that’s at least half as effective as the flu vaccine, which they say is about fifty-percent effective," said Matt. "At least until the government and private contractors finish honing full-scale surveillance systems to monitor us twenty-four-seven to keep us all safe. And in the meantime, we need to stay vigilant and not become complacent. We won't get anywhere if we lose our heads over this.”


thespoof--2020-05-17--Trump May Be Afraid To Debate Biden

Trump May Be Afraid To Debate Biden

Donald Trump ’ s bone spurs have reappeared , at least according to Trump ’ s close friend , Dr. Pierson Stab .
The bone spurs kept Trump from being drafted and sent to fight in the Vietnam War .
The debilitating nature of the spurs of a then-athletic twenty-two-year-old was questioned by some medical persons , and was the object of scorn by numerous scoffers .
Related to this deferment today , is that Trump deviated from his constant watching of Fox News to see Joe Biden with Stacy Abrams on the Laurence O ’ Donnell show on MSNBC @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stumbled , never lost a beat in answering questions .
One critic , who is a staunch republican , even said , concerning the debate , “ Trump has more than met his match .
Joe Biden was a different man than appeared in the debates when he was sometimes confused and boring .
He was very strong , yet appealing .
I ’ m afraid that he ’ ll make Trump look bad in a debate.
” An anonymous White House source told this reporter , I hear that the President is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 'Come back , tiny ones . '
It would be convenient for the President to plead that he was unable to debate Mr. Biden due to very painful bone spurs .
It would be Vietnam revisited .
”

Donald Trump’s bone spurs have reappeared, at least according to Trump’s close friend, Dr. Pierson Stab. The bone spurs kept Trump from being drafted and sent to fight in the Vietnam War. The debilitating nature of the spurs of a then-athletic twenty-two-year-old was questioned by some medical persons, and was the object of scorn by numerous scoffers.
Related to this deferment today, is that Trump deviated from his constant watching of Fox News to see Joe Biden with Stacy Abrams on the Laurence O’Donnell show on MSNBC. Critics have said that Biden never stumbled, never lost a beat in answering questions.
One critic, who is a staunch republican, even said, concerning the debate, “Trump has more than met his match. Joe Biden was a different man than appeared in the debates when he was sometimes confused and boring. He was very strong, yet appealing. I’m afraid that he’ll make Trump look bad in a debate.”
An anonymous White House source told this reporter, I hear that the President is whispering to his his heels, saying 'Come back, tiny ones.' It would be convenient for the President to plead that he was unable to debate Mr. Biden due to very painful bone spurs. It would be Vietnam revisited.”


thespoof--2020-05-18--Melania is Insisting That The President Sleep With His Mask On

WASHINGTON , D.C. – A White House insider believed to be one of the cooks , has said that the first lady and the president are starting to have some big-time shouting matches .
It appears that Melania wants the president to wear a medical mask when he is in bed .
And , of course , “ Old Baby Fingers ” says that it ’ ll snow at the North Pole before he wears a mask to bed .
Melania reportedly texted her BFF , Meghan Markle , and said that she is at the end of her rope @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lying sack of Big Macs .
Trump has reportedly told Kellyanne Conway , Kayleigh McEnany , and Hope Hicks , that if Melania is not careful , she will find herself on a slow boat back to Slovenia .
Melania , reportedly , said , “ If Dunnie duzz tries tu chip me back tu Slovenia , I wheel gives tu CNN , MSNBC , and tu Telemundo , copies of hees tax returns dat he duzz not knows dat I made . ''
She paused , then added , `` So little @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Slovenia , but he will end up in Singing-Singing Prison quicker den a trained parrot can say “ What da fluck .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House insider believed to be one of the cooks, has said that the first lady and the president are starting to have some big-time shouting matches.
It appears that Melania wants the president to wear a medical mask when he is in bed. And, of course, “Old Baby Fingers” says that it’ll snow at the North Pole before he wears a mask to bed.
Melania reportedly texted her BFF, Meghan Markle, and said that she is at the end of her rope with this old, Egg McMuffin-smelling, lying sack of Big Macs.
Trump has reportedly told Kellyanne Conway, Kayleigh McEnany, and Hope Hicks, that if Melania is not careful, she will find herself on a slow boat back to Slovenia.
Melania, reportedly, said, “If Dunnie duzz tries tu chip me back tu Slovenia, I wheel gives tu CNN, MSNBC, and tu Telemundo, copies of hees tax returns dat he duzz not knows dat I made."
She paused, then added, "So little pee-pee boy may send me back to Slovenia, but he will end up in Singing-Singing Prison quicker den a trained parrot can say “What da fluck.”


thespoof--2020-05-17--Tit-anic: Joes hands on search for the right VP continues

Joe Biden 's endless search for the right candidate for his VP continues tirelessly .
Joe says it an extremely @ @ @ @ @ right girl that has the right touch for the job , and will do what @ @ @ @ @ successful in the office .
The girl selected for the job must give up her @ @ @ @ @ strikes icebergs , and will not talk to the press about the important affairs , @ @ @ @ @ behind closed doors .
Joe does n't like to have his hands full , and @ @ @ @ @ .
Candidates will age out and have to retire by 18 .

Joe Biden's endless search for the right candidate for his VP continues tirelessly.
Joe says "it's an extremely tough gambit to find the right girl that has the right touch for the job, and I will do what it requires to make her successful in the office."
The girl selected for the job must give up her lifeboat when the USS Joe strikes icebergs, and will not talk to the press about the important affairs, and affairs of state conducted behind closed doors.
Joe doesn't like to have his hands full, and a B cup should suffice.
Candidates will age out and have to retire by 18.


thespoof--2020-05-18--Several Republican Groups Vow To Make Sure President Trump Is a One-Term President

CHICAGO – The more that Donald Trump speaks , the more that the Electoral College winner sticks his size 13 @ @ @ @ @ .
Three anti-Trump Republican groups are promising to make sure that the Tweet Creep becomes @ @ @ @ @ Grandiflora , 43 , who is the executive director with the Down With The Donald @ @ @ @ @ group 's 852,000 members have said that , if Trump wins , the world can @ @ @ @ @ The Eff Trump Coalition has thus far raised over $ 27 million , through various @ @ @ @ @ , and kissing booths .
They plan to give $ 13.5 million to Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ Meanwhile , George Conway ’ s Dump Trump 2020 , say that they have just @ @ @ @ @ Turtle , ” Mitch McConnell , to vote for Biden .

CHICAGO – The more that Donald Trump speaks, the more that the Electoral College winner sticks his size 13 shoe in his ever-lying mouth.
Three anti-Trump Republican groups are promising to make sure that the Tweet Creep becomes a one-term president.
Dottie Grandiflora, 43, who is the executive director with the Down With The Donald Federation, says that her group's 852,000 members have said that, if Trump wins, the world can kiss the earth goodbye.
The Eff Trump Coalition has thus far raised over $27 million, through various bake sales, lemonade sales, and kissing booths.
They plan to give $13.5 million to Joe Biden’s presidential campaign.
Meanwhile, George Conway’s Dump Trump 2020, say that they have just about convinced the “Kentucky Turtle,” Mitch McConnell, to vote for Biden.


thespoof--2020-05-17--Trump Denies The Rumor That He Has A Tattoo of Ivanka

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The president was sitting at a McDonalds with Scott Baio and Tucker Carlson , and the three were trying to concoct a story about Joe Biden having been born in another country .
A reporter with Bedroom Pillow Talk asked him about the rumor that he has a tattoo of his daughter , Ivanka .
Trump angrily put down his Big Mac , and yelled that he does not have any tattoos of his daughter .
The BPT reporter said that he had talked to Sean Hannity , who said that he had personally seen the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ picked up a French fry and angrily threw it at the reporter , but it accidentally hit Scott Baio , on his left nostril .
Scott , put down his Happy Meal , and ran off to the bathroom clutching his nostril , and yelling , “ I was Chachi , damnit , I deserve more respect than this.
” Trump yelled out “ You ’ re a loser Scotty , Joanie used to run circles around you , you little popsicle bitch.
” Tucker commented that Baio is a perfect example of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t need talent , you only need to have parents , grandparents , uncles , and aunts to get you in the door .
Trump looked at him and said , “ Yeah , Tucky boy .
If there is one thing that I can not stand it ’ s friggin ' nepotism .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The president was sitting at a McDonalds with Scott Baio and Tucker Carlson, and the three were trying to concoct a story about Joe Biden having been born in another country.
A reporter with Bedroom Pillow Talk asked him about the rumor that he has a tattoo of his daughter, Ivanka.
Trump angrily put down his Big Mac, and yelled that he does not have any tattoos of his daughter.
The BPT reporter said that he had talked to Sean Hannity, who said that he had personally seen the tattoo on several occasions.
POTUS then picked up a French fry and angrily threw it at the reporter, but it accidentally hit Scott Baio, on his left nostril.
Scott, put down his Happy Meal, and ran off to the bathroom clutching his nostril, and yelling, “I was Chachi, damnit, I deserve more respect than this.”
Trump yelled out “You’re a loser Scotty, Joanie used to run circles around you, you little popsicle bitch.”
Tucker commented that Baio is a perfect example of the old adage that you don’t need talent, you only need to have parents, grandparents, uncles, and aunts to get you in the door.
Trump looked at him and said, “Yeah, Tucky boy. If there is one thing that I cannot stand it’s friggin' nepotism.”


thespoof--2020-05-18--Joe Biden solves problem of being of being Overly Frisky and Friendly

Joe Biden 's exceptionally friendly nature around women has been analyzed , and the mystery has been unveiled through an @ @ @ @ @ Modern medicine has breached the dilemma of Joe 's forward nature , and deflated his @ @ @ @ @ this solution , many thought Joe should have been relegated to group meetings of # @ @ @ @ @ , or the psych ward at Bellevue Hospital , but with deep prayers , Joe @ @ @ @ @ public .
Joe 's vanity at diminishing his saw-grass hair-plugs with glasses almost cost him @ @ @ @ @ but Joe will tell you he is back .
People magazine has already put Joe @ @ @ @ @ Sexiest Man Alive '' , with perennial stud , John Legend .
Unfortunately , one @ @ @ @ @ to hang around the basement all the time , with low energy , like the @ @ @ @ @

Joe Biden's exceptionally friendly nature around women has been analyzed, and the mystery has been unveiled through an expert team of ophthalmologists.
Modern medicine has breached the dilemma of Joe's forward nature, and deflated his overly-ambitious impulses. Prior to this solution, many thought Joe should have been relegated to group meetings of #metoo advocates, chemical castration, or the psych ward at Bellevue Hospital, but with deep prayers, Joe will be allowed back in public.
Joe's vanity at diminishing his saw-grass hair-plugs with glasses almost cost him the women's vote, but Joe will tell you he is back.
People magazine has already put Joe in the running for "Sexiest Man Alive", with perennial stud, John Legend.
Unfortunately, one drawback is that he seems to hang around the basement all the time, with low energy, like the dog that got fixed.


thespoof--2020-05-18--The California Senate Votes to Keep Donald Trump’s Name off the State’s Presidential Ballot in Novem

The California Senate Votes to Keep Donald Trump’s Name off the State’s Presidential Ballot in November

SACRAMENTO - In a move that many are calling gutsy , the California state senate has voted to keep President Trump 's name off the November ballot .
The vote passed by an overwhelming margin of 197 to 3 .
State senator , Enrique Mintinlooper , told reporters that , instead of seeing the name Donald J. Trump in the Republican column , voters will simply see “ The California State Hater ” .
When the senator was asked if that was legal , he smiled and said , “ Did you not hear that the vote was 197 to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reporter , “ Son , the last time I checked , this was still America.
” He went on , “ And yes , I know that Trump is slowly trying to turn our nation into Guatemala .
But with him and Vice President 'Vanilla ' Pence , both refusing to protect themselves , many Americans feel that it is just a matter of time before we see Nancy Pelosi taking the oath of the presidency .
Most networks , even Trump Central ( aka Fox News ) are starting to say that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ far-fetched .

SACRAMENTO - In a move that many are calling gutsy, the California state senate has voted to keep President Trump's name off the November ballot.
The vote passed by an overwhelming margin of 197 to 3. State senator, Enrique Mintinlooper, told reporters that, instead of seeing the name Donald J. Trump in the Republican column, voters will simply see “The California State Hater”.
When the senator was asked if that was legal, he smiled and said, “Did you not hear that the vote was 197 to 3?”
He then told the reporter, “Son, the last time I checked, this was still America.”
He went on, “And yes, I know that Trump is slowly trying to turn our nation into Guatemala. But with him and Vice President 'Vanilla' Pence, both refusing to protect themselves, many Americans feel that it is just a matter of time before we see Nancy Pelosi taking the oath of the presidency.
Most networks, even Trump Central (aka Fox News) are starting to say that that thought isn’t really too far-fetched.


thespoof--2020-05-17--Donald J. Trump Has A Mothers Day Blow Up

It isn ’ t clear whether Donald J. Trump had a nervous breakdown or if Mothers Day was just a plain crazy-time blow up as usual .
Donald J. sent one hundred tweets in one day , and that was his Mothers Day .
The guy must have been in some kind of labor .
Not having a baby labor , but labor yes , working like a flashing traffic signal , going from red , green , and amber , to red , green and amber , shooting out tweets , seething with anger , hammering one tweet after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ As usual , his seething anger was directed towards former President Barack Obama .
Silently , Obama manages to receive greater kudos for his stability in contrast to Trump ’ s frantic instability .
But throughout Mothers Day , while getting even and sending one hundred angry tweets , he failed to send one positive Thank You tweet to either of his three wives who gave birth to his five children , or even a sweet tweet to his mother-in-law .
How many hamburgers did Donald J. consume on Mothers Day ?
Red @ @ @ @ @ @ @ red , green , amber , hamburger , hamburger , hamburger ?
Crazy ?
Maybe not ready to be institutionalize , but not Mr. Roger ’ s kind of behavior .
If grandpa were to behave that way on any given Sunday , it would give the family pause .
Trump ’ s behavior should give the Republican Party pause , as well as his Cabinet .
It hasn ’ t been determined whether Trump tweets with ten fingers or if he uses just one certainly-abused index finger .
Trump can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ use to emphasize a point .
One superlative he has mastered is 'great ' , maybe because it has 'eat ' in the word , but the word 'incredible ' ?
True , edible is in the word incredible , but edible has three syllables , which is over the hill for Trump .
So if Donald J. Trump 's Mothers Day behavior were to be considered normal by the Republican Party and his Cabinet , that would be not good .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Amazon.com

It isn’t clear whether Donald J. Trump had a nervous breakdown or if Mothers Day was just a plain crazy-time blow up as usual. Donald J. sent one hundred tweets in one day, and that was his Mothers Day.
The guy must have been in some kind of labor. Not having baby labor, but labor yes, working like a flashing traffic signal, going from red, green, and amber, to red, green and amber, shooting out tweets, seething with anger, hammering one tweet after the next, one hundred times.
As usual, his seething anger was directed towards former President Barack Obama. Silently, Obama manages to receive greater kudos for his stability in contrast to Trump’s frantic instability.
But throughout Mothers Day, while getting even and sending one hundred angry tweets, he failed to send one positive Thank You tweet to either of his three wives who gave birth to his five children, or even a sweet tweet to his mother-in-law.
How many hamburgers did Donald J. consume on Mothers Day? Red, green, amber, hamburger, red, green, amber, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger?
Crazy? Maybe not ready to be institutionalized, but not Mr. Roger’s kind of behavior. If grandpa were to behave that way on any given Sunday, it would give the family pause. Trump’s behavior should give the Republican Party pause, as well as his Cabinet.
It hasn’t been determined whether Trump tweets with ten fingers or if he uses just one certainly-abused index finger. Trump can’t spell those high-heel words he likes to use to emphasize a point. One superlative he has mastered is 'great', maybe because it has 'eat' in the word, but the word 'incredible'? True, edible is in the word incredible, but edible has three syllables, which is over the hill for Trump.
So if Donald J. Trump's Mothers Day behavior were to be considered normal by the Republican Party and his Cabinet, that would be not good.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-05-19--King Edward Trump III Briefs Press on "Chinese Black Death" - 1349

Buckingham Palace , The Camellia Garden .
June , 1349 .
Exclusive to The Spoof .
King Edward Trump III met with reporters from the English press in the Camellia Garden this morning to take biting questions about his handling of the Black Death during the past year .
He tended to look at the bright side of the statistics rather than the gloomy ones .
In the end , he took no questions .
Here is the full text of his comments .
`` This monarch has done amazing things in fighting this pandemic virus .
First of all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ China and spread west across the trade routes because the Chinese did n't tell anyone that there was a plague .
So I call it 'the Chinese Black Death . '
China will pay for this in the long run . ''
`` Yes , we 've lost a few people to the Yersinia pestis bacteria , but on the other hand we 've saved millions from this sickening plague .
Our death toll , which has been only 60 percent of the population , could have been 70 or 80 percent but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ King and his sycophants . ''
`` There would not have been a plague had my predecessor not been a totally incompetent monarch from whom I inherited not only the kingdom but a totally inadequate supply of fanning devices .
He left me nothing with which to begin battling the Chinese Black Death . ''
`` Our economy is hurting because the naysayers in the medical profession have urged protective measures that are harmful to business .
Many businesses are closed out of fear .
We ca n't have that .
I 'm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ charlatans who think my way . ''
`` I promised you a vaccine for 'the Chinese Black Death ' , but the medical ignoramuses - I also call them the DUMBagogues or the DUMBocrats - could n't make it in time .
So I 'm turning the vaccine issue over to our most trusted alchemists who will have one by this fall .
But vaccine or not , the plague will disappear . ''
`` Chances are , the Chinese Black Death will simply fade away come winter .
But we ca n't @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 's time to open up the country .
There may be a temporary labor shortage due to a little loss of life , but that means higher wages for the working class and full employment of those who have n't died . ''
With that , the King posed for the artists .
He was , of course , wearing that long black coat .

Buckingham Palace, The Camellia Garden. June, 1349. Exclusive to The Spoof. King Edward Trump III met with reporters from the English press in the Camellia Garden this morning to take biting questions about his handling of the Black Death during the past year. He tended to look at the bright side of the statistics rather than the gloomy ones. In the end, he took no questions. Here is the full text of his comments.
"This monarch has done amazing things in fighting this pandemic virus. First of all, it originated, naturally, in China and spread west across the trade routes because the Chinese didn't tell anyone that there was a plague. So I call it 'the Chinese Black Death.' China will pay for this in the long run."
"Yes, we've lost a few people to the Yersinia pestis bacteria, but on the other hand we've saved millions from this sickening plague. Our death toll, which has been only 60 percent of the population, could have been 70 or 80 percent but for the heroic actions taken by your King and his sycophants."
"There would not have been a plague had my predecessor not been a totally incompetent monarch from whom I inherited not only the kingdom but a totally inadequate supply of fanning devices. He left me nothing with which to begin battling the Chinese Black Death."
"Our economy is hurting because the naysayers in the medical profession have urged protective measures that are harmful to business. Many businesses are closed out of fear. We can't have that. I'm imprisoning the naysayers and replacing them with charlatans who think my way."
"I promised you a vaccine for 'the Chinese Black Death', but the medical ignoramuses - I also call them the DUMBagogues or the DUMBocrats - couldn't make it in time. So I'm turning the vaccine issue over to our most trusted alchemists who will have one by this fall. But vaccine or not, the plague will disappear."
"Chances are, the Chinese Black Death will simply fade away come winter. But we can't wait for that to happen. It's time to open up the country. There may be a temporary labor shortage due to a little loss of life, but that means higher wages for the working class and full employment of those who haven't died."
With that, the King posed for the artists. He was, of course, wearing that long black coat.


thespoof--2020-05-18--New York Governor Cuomo: 164 Sudden Covid Deaths, Bullet Holes Aside

New York Governor , Andrew Cuomo , requests money from the rest of America to cover `` Rapid Covid-19 deaths @ @ @ @ @ .
Cuomo stated , `` these people were in perfect health until struck down by @ @ @ @ @ Covid Death Syndrome ' '' .
Cuomo : `` To onlookers , the multiple bullet @ @ @ @ @ victims may look like contributing factors to the deceaseds ' sudden demises , but to @ @ @ @ @ free government money to pass to my contributors , I can tell you , with @ @ @ @ @ of confidence , it was the Covid-19 . ''
He added : `` People in @ @ @ @ @ numbers of people being interned in the morgue by our deep disdain of the 5-0 @ @ @ @ @ having private security in my rich contributor-gated communities , but without any possible doubt , @ @ @ @ @ People are calling NYC the `` Rotten Apple '' , but this too is due @ @ @ @ @ ''

New York Governor, Andrew Cuomo, requests money from the rest of America to cover "Rapid Covid-19 deaths" in New York City.
Cuomo stated, "these people were in perfect health until struck down by a new classification of 'Sudden Covid Death Syndrome'".
Cuomo: "To onlookers, the multiple bullet holes in the recent 164 victims may look like contributing factors to the deceaseds' sudden demises, but to experts like me, getting free government money to pass to my contributors, I can tell you, with a pure 100% degree of confidence, it was the Covid-19."
He added: "People in flyover states may attribute large numbers of people being interned in the morgue by our deep disdain of the 5-0 in poor neighborhoods, and having private security in my rich contributor-gated communities, but without any possible doubt, it was the Covid-19. People are calling NYC the "Rotten Apple", but this too is due to Covid-19 influx delusion."


thespoof--2020-05-17--Biden says Lockdown must continue or his voters will Run!

Joe Biden , commander of the repressive government forces stated that , `` the lockdown of American voters must continue @ @ @ @ @ revolt and run '' .
Biden says full government control is essential for the electoral @ @ @ @ @ destiny requires .
Freedom is absolutely repellent to the Democrat way of life , and @ @ @ @ @ costs , otherwise Americans will start thinking for themselves and not bail out the mismanaged @ @ @ @ @ last administration 's `` shovel-ready jobs '' .
If the public figures out that , @ @ @ @ @ , wash their hands , and do n't touch their faces , what next , @ @ @

Joe Biden, commander of the repressive government forces stated that, "the lockdown of American voters must continue or the plantation workers will revolt and run".
Biden says full government control is essential for the electoral process to be fulfilled as destiny requires. Freedom is absolutely repellent to the Democrat way of life, and must be quashed at all costs, otherwise Americans will start thinking for themselves and not bail out the mismanaged blue state plantations like the last administration's "shovel-ready jobs".
If the public figures out that, if they maintain social distancing, wash their hands, and don't touch their faces stops 99% of the spread, what next, self determination?
The audacity!


thespoof--2020-05-19--Sheep Object to Being Lumped in with Blindly-Following Americans

With some derogatorily categorizing the swathes of Americans paralyzed in blind , terrified acceptance of whatever the mainstream media tells them regarding the threat posed by COVID-19 as `` sheeple , '' actual sheep are objecting to being lumped in with unthinking , barely sentient humans .
“ You ’ d never see us agreeing to not play and have fun and flock together , ” noted Shelley , a ewe from Northern Ireland , regarding Americans ' unquestioning compliance with draconian measures like lockdowns and strict physical distancing , imposed by the government in response to the coronavirus .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ touching each other , but no one would ever be able to pull the wool over our eyes in that way.
” Or , as one lamb put it , “ Social distancing ?
Baaa !
” That being said , an erudite ram in Australia acknowledged at least one commonality between his own species and humans propagandized into consenting to sweeping abridgments of fundamental freedoms – namely , the motives of their herders .
Quoting nineteenth-century French author Stendhal , ram Raymond noted , “ The shepherd always tries to persuade the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are the same . ''
He snorted darkly and shook his woolly head .
`` Humans will see where that assumption leads them .
”

With some derogatorily categorizing the swathes of Americans paralyzed in blind, terrified acceptance of whatever the mainstream media tells them regarding the threat posed by COVID-19 as "sheeple," actual sheep are objecting to being lumped in with unthinking, barely sentient humans.
“You’d never see us agreeing to not play and have fun and flock together,” noted Shelley, a ewe from Northern Ireland, regarding Americans' unquestioning compliance with draconian measures like lockdowns and strict physical distancing, imposed by the government in response to the coronavirus. “Humans may be duped into not touching each other, but no one would ever be able to pull the wool over our eyes in that way.”
Or, as one lamb put it, “Social distancing? Baaa!”
That being said, an erudite ram in Australia acknowledged at least one commonality between his own species and humans propagandized into consenting to sweeping abridgments of fundamental freedoms – namely, the motives of their herders. Quoting nineteenth-century French author Stendhal, ram Raymond noted, “The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same." He snorted darkly and shook his woolly head. "Humans will see where that assumption leads them.”


thespoof--2020-05-19--The Most Presidential Of Drugs

The Most Presidential Of Drugs

Presidential Womble and all round flappy-handed lunatic , Donald Trump , has admitted he is taking hydroxychloroquine in an attempt to fight off Coronavirus .
Having been informed by multiple health officials that “ this shit does not work ” , the Trumpster is having none of it !
Stating : '' The experts that I , personally , talk to , don ’ t have these fancy degrees and “ qualifications ” printed on paper from places we ’ ve never heard of .
No .
My experts have their degrees in their minds , and everyone knows that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' Actual medical experts ( you know….doctors ) have said that the drug may actually cause heart problems , but that won ’ t bother Donald .
It ’ s already been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he already has problems with his heart .
Nurses and front line staff everywhere looked nervously at one another as he ( please remember this is somehow the President of the United States ) stated “ that many many front line staff are taking the drug.
” The US Food and Drug Agency @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has : '' Not been shown to be safe or effective . ''
`` But fuck it , if that mad , orange fuck wants to poison himself with a fucking snake oil cure , let him get the fuck on with it .
Fuck it , if he ’ s still interested in injecting disinfectant , we know a great little place to get gallons of the stuff cheap . ''
We weren ’ t 100 % sure if this was an official spokesman or not .
`` All I can tell @ @ @ @ @ @ @ OK. '' From what we at Back and to the Left news can see , no , Mr Trump , you are clearly not OK. You mad turd .

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Presidential Womble and all round flappy-handed lunatic, Donald Trump, has admitted he is taking hydroxychloroquine in an attempt to fight off Coronavirus. Having been informed by multiple health officials that “this shit does not work”, the Trumpster is having none of it! Stating:
"The experts that I, personally, talk to, don’t have these fancy degrees and “qualifications” printed on paper from places we’ve never heard of. No. My experts have their degrees in their minds, and everyone knows that’s where the brain is."
Actual medical experts (you know….doctors) have said that the drug may actually cause heart problems, but that won’t bother Donald. It’s already been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he already has problems with his heart.
Nurses and front line staff everywhere looked nervously at one another as he (please remember this is somehow the President of the United States) stated “that many many front line staff are taking the drug.”
The US Food and Drug Agency has stated several times that the drug has:
"Not been shown to be safe or effective."
But then added:
"But fuck it, if that mad, orange fuck wants to poison himself with a fucking snake oil cure, let him get the fuck on with it. Fuck it, if he’s still interested in injecting disinfectant, we know a great little place to get gallons of the stuff cheap."
We weren’t 100% sure if this was an official spokesman or not.
Mr Trump ended with:
"All I can tell you, is that I’m OK."
From what we at Back and to the Left news can see, no, Mr Trump, you are clearly not OK. You mad turd.


thespoof--2020-05-20--Noah's Ark Drydocked in Colorado

Noah's Ark Drydocked in Colorado

Leadville , Colorado .
Special to The Spoof .
A local `` Forever Trump '' zealot , Barry Noah , Jr. , stood firm for the past three years denouncing global warming and climate change .
But early this year , in the midst of the heaviest rain in many seasons , he awakened from a powerful dream in which God told him to build an ark to preserve human and animal life from an impending flood .
A deeply religious man , Noah immediately set out to build his ark , designed to accommodate a male and female from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his own family , Then the trouble started .
Permits ?
Well , Noah thought an order from God made it unnecessary to obtain permits .
The Leadville Building and Property Management office thought otherwise .
Since Noah was constructing his ark as directed by God , he had no blueprints to show the inspectors when they showed up for their first look .
Noah had already laid the keel and was putting down the main deck when they arrived .
Bad timing .
`` You 're using the wrong kind of timber @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it out and get the approved lumber from a local dealer , '' was their order .
`` But that will delay construction for a few weeks , and God says the storm will come sooner than that , '' Noah pleaded .
`` Sorry .
Use local lumber , or no ark ! ''
Noah reluctantly conceded , dismantled much of what he had built , and started over .
Then came the problem with his masts .
`` Lodgepole pine is for telephone poles only , not for masts on an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ birch , '' the official said .
Another two-week delay as reports came in from Canada of the approaching storm .
Despite the delays , Noah 's work was completed a few days ahead of the anticipated deluge .
God had apparently chosen Leadville because of its elevation at ten thousand feet .
As the flood inundated all of Canada and most of the United States , Leadville remained above the flood , but that would n't be for long .
Noah hastily began to load the animals aboard .
That 's when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You are n't allowed to have exotic animals outside a zoo in Colorado .
You ca n't take these critters aboard your ark , '' he was informed .
`` But God has ordered me to do this , '' was Noah 's answer .
That did n't matter .
God was apparently unaware of the Colorado law on exotics , or he would n't have suggested boarding them .
No exotics !
By now , the first wave of torrential rain began falling on Leadville .
Noah hurried to get his family @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Then came the dog catcher !
`` You 'll be in violation of virtually all our local laws on mistreatment of pets .
You ca n't take cats and dogs on that leaky ship , because that would endanger them .
No pets allowed . ''
`` But God ... '' Noah tried to explain .
`` If God knew what you were doing , he would object , too , '' said the dog catcher .
Alas , only Noah 's family and chosen friends boarded the ark , ready to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bursts of lightning and unbelievable amounts of rain fell as floodwaters rose around the ark .
Noah prepared to cast off .
`` Halt ! ''
shouted the commander of the coastguard vessel that roared up through the floodwaters , blocking the ark 's passage .
A barrage of cannon fire sailed across the bow .
`` Let 's see your captain 's license , '' the commander demanded .
`` I do n't have one , '' Noah confessed .
`` God did n't tell me I needed one . ''
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said the commander , sternly , hand on his holster .
`` You 'll have to ride out this little storm in port , or in court if you try to sail . ''
There then came a huge wave which washed over the coastguard vessel , shattered the ark , and sent everyone into the foam , fighting for their lives .
And that 's how the animal kingdom disappeared , and God had to start over at a second Garden of Eden .

Leadville , Colorado. Special to The Spoof. A local "Forever Trump" zealot, Barry Noah, Jr., stood firm for the past three years denouncing global warming and climate change. But early this year, in the midst of the heaviest rain in many seasons, he awakened from a powerful dream in which God told him to build an ark to preserve human and animal life from an impending flood. A deeply religious man, Noah immediately set out to build his ark, designed to accommodate a male and female from each animal species, as well as his own family, Then the trouble started.
Permits? Well, Noah thought an order from God made it unnecessary to obtain permits. The Leadville Building and Property Management office thought otherwise. Since Noah was constructing his ark as directed by God, he had no blueprints to show the inspectors when they showed up for their first look. Noah had already laid the keel and was putting down the main deck when they arrived. Bad timing.
"You're using the wrong kind of timber for an ark this large. Rip it out and get the approved lumber from a local dealer," was their order.
"But that will delay construction for a few weeks, and God says the storm will come sooner than that," Noah pleaded.
"Sorry. Use local lumber, or no ark!"
Noah reluctantly conceded, dismantled much of what he had built, and started over. Then came the problem with his masts.
"Lodgepole pine is for telephone poles only, not for masts on an ark. Take them down and use birch," the official said. Another two-week delay as reports came in from Canada of the approaching storm.
Despite the delays, Noah's work was completed a few days ahead of the anticipated deluge. God had apparently chosen Leadville because of its elevation at ten thousand feet. As the flood inundated all of Canada and most of the United States, Leadville remained above the flood, but that wouldn't be for long. Noah hastily began to load the animals aboard. That's when the Humane Society dinged him.
"You aren't allowed to have exotic animals outside a zoo in Colorado. You can't take these critters aboard your ark," he was informed.
"But God has ordered me to do this," was Noah's answer. That didn't matter. God was apparently unaware of the Colorado law on exotics, or he wouldn't have suggested boarding them. No exotics!
By now, the first wave of torrential rain began falling on Leadville. Noah hurried to get his family and the domestic pets on the ark. Then came the dog catcher!
"You'll be in violation of virtually all our local laws on mistreatment of pets. You can't take cats and dogs on that leaky ship, because that would endanger them. No pets allowed."
"But God..." Noah tried to explain.
"If God knew what you were doing, he would object, too," said the dog catcher.
Alas, only Noah's family and chosen friends boarded the ark, ready to sail as the water rose. Great bursts of lightning and unbelievable amounts of rain fell as floodwaters rose around the ark. Noah prepared to cast off.
"Halt!" shouted the commander of the coastguard vessel that roared up through the floodwaters, blocking the ark's passage. A barrage of cannon fire sailed across the bow.
"Let's see your captain's license," the commander demanded.
"I don't have one," Noah confessed. "God didn't tell me I needed one."
"No license, no embarkation!" said the commander, sternly, hand on his holster. "You'll have to ride out this little storm in port, or in court if you try to sail."
There then came a huge wave which washed over the coastguard vessel, shattered the ark, and sent everyone into the foam, fighting for their lives.
And that's how the animal kingdom disappeared, and God had to start over at a second Garden of Eden.


thespoof--2020-05-19--Texas Warns That The Dreaded Chupacabra Could Be Carrying The Coronavirus

AUSTIN – The Guild of Lone Star State Veterinarians has issued an emergency directive regarding the legendary folkloric creature known as La Chupacabra .
The name Chupacabra literally means 'goat sucker ' , and the animal was first spotted in Texas in 1995 .
Since then , it has wreaked havoc on ranchers ' livestock in Texas , Oklahoma , Louisiana , and Massachusetts .
Experts believe that the Chupacabra , could be carrying bacteria traces of the dreaded Coronavirus , as well as athlete ’ s foot germs .
They point out that it will sneak up on an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bluebonnets , and pounce on the goat , scaring the hell out of it .
Contrary to what members of the CIA have said , the Chupacabra does not kill animals , it only sucks anywhere from a quart to seven gallons of their blood .
Noted Cupacabra expert Maynard G. Bindybock , who has written thirteen books on the subject , states that the creature is actually quite misunderstood .
A tourist visiting from Mississippi reportedly saw it outside of Dime Box , Texas , and shot at it .
He missed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up wounding a 2012 Kia Sorento .
Dr. Bindybock said that he and another member took a DNA sample from a piece of onion ring that Chupi was chewing .
The results shocked the good doctor .
He pointed out that the Chupacabra ’ s DNA and President Trump 's DNA were an exact match .

AUSTIN – The Guild of Lone Star State Veterinarians has issued an emergency directive regarding the legendary folkloric creature known as La Chupacabra.
The name Chupacabra literally means 'goat sucker', and the animal was first spotted in Texas in 1995.
Since then, it has wreaked havoc on ranchers' livestock in Texas, Oklahoma, Louisiana, and Massachusetts.
Experts believe that the Chupacabra, could be carrying bacteria traces of the dreaded Coronavirus, as well as athlete’s foot germs.
They point out that it will sneak up on an unsuspecting goat, as it is eating bluebonnets, and pounce on the goat, scaring the hell out of it.
Contrary to what members of the CIA have said, the Chupacabra does not kill animals, it only sucks anywhere from a quart to seven gallons of their blood.
Noted Cupacabra expert Maynard G. Bindybock, who has written thirteen books on the subject, states that the creature is actually quite misunderstood.
A tourist visiting from Mississippi reportedly saw it outside of Dime Box, Texas, and shot at it. He missed the Chupacabra, but he did end up wounding a 2012 Kia Sorento.
Dr. Bindybock said that he and another member took a DNA sample from a piece of onion ring that Chupi was chewing.
The results shocked the good doctor. He pointed out that the Chupacabra’s DNA and President Trump's DNA were an exact match.


thespoof--2020-05-19--Jared Kushner Says That He Will Not Be Campaigning for His Daddy-in-Law (President Trump)

BALTIMORE – The President ’ s son-in-law was in Baltimore visiting his high school Home Economics teacher , Mrs. Bathsheba Boobinski .
Jared Kushner , 39 , said that Mrs. Boobinski influenced him more than any other teacher or professor .
He commented that Mrs. Boo , as the students called her , taught him how to make a fantastic-tasting casserole using broccoli , two Three Musketeers Bars , salsa picante , and Twinkies .
CNN recently reported that Kushner is worth $ 800 million .
He made his money in the money-laundering , I mean , money loaning business @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would charge as much as 49 % on some loans of $ 70,000 and more .
He denies it , saying that he has never lied .
He noted that he has never ever lusted for any woman except for his wife , Barbie Trump , and that was with her daddy 's permission .
When he was asked if he was going to be campaigning for his daddy-in-law , he replied that he wasn ’ t .
When asked why not , he said that it was personal .
A reporter asked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trying to distance yourself from the President , since you know that , after he loses the election , he will probably end up in New York ’ s infamous Sing Sing Prison ? ''
Kushner , like all Trump staffers , deflected by saying `` I love my hot sexy wife Ivanka with every coffee cup of fiber on my lying , I mean , on my loving tongue . ''

BALTIMORE – The President’s son-in-law was in Baltimore visiting his high school Home Economics teacher, Mrs. Bathsheba Boobinski.
Jared Kushner, 39, said that Mrs. Boobinski influenced him more than any other teacher or professor.
He commented that Mrs. Boo, as the students called her, taught him how to make a fantastic-tasting casserole using broccoli, two Three Musketeers Bars, salsa picante, and Twinkies.
CNN recently reported that Kushner is worth $800 million. He made his money in the money-laundering, I mean, money loaning business.
An investigative reporter revealed that Kushner would charge as much as 49% on some loans of $70,000 and more.
He denies it, saying that he has never lied. He noted that he has never ever lusted for any woman except for his wife, Barbie Trump, and that was with her daddy's permission.
When he was asked if he was going to be campaigning for his daddy-in-law, he replied that he wasn’t.
When asked why not, he said that it was personal.
A reporter asked, “Is it because you are trying to distance yourself from the President, since you know that, after he loses the election, he will probably end up in New York’s infamous Sing Sing Prison?"
Kushner, like all Trump staffers, deflected by saying "I love my hot sexy wife Ivanka with every coffee cup of fiber on my lying, I mean, on my loving tongue."


thespoof--2020-05-19--Joe Biden Taxidermally Altered To Look Like Slack-Jawed Jackal

BILLINGSGATE POST : Dr. Hannibal Lecter , Jr. , the son of the late cannibalistic psychiatrist , Dr. Hannibal Lecter , spoke before the Board of Taxidermy at their international convention in Bora Bora last week .
In his dissertation he described the newest procedures that only Board Certified Taxidermists can utilize to satisfy the whims of the rich and famous in their quest for narcissistic nirvana .
Noting that the latest trend for liberal politicians was the `` slack-jawed jackal '' look , which makes the subject appear neuroleptic , combined with the puckered `` chicken lip '' look @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make their seductive suckers more sexually attractive to potential suckees , Dr. Lecter described to fellow board members how Joe Biden was taxidermally altered so that he could become the man he really loved .
Once more , the BILLINGSGATE POST has gone beyond the boundaries of sanity and ethics to bring you titilating news that until now , only CNN and MSNBC could bring you .
In the unrelenting quest for ways to provide even more subjective opinions on the candidates , our editors hope to match these media giants in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the inhibiting burdens of proof .
Slim : “ I wonder if the slack-jawed jackal look would help me with chicks.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
With your package , I would stick with what you got .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Jr., the son of the late cannibalistic psychiatrist, Dr. Hannibal Lecter, spoke before the Board of Taxidermy at their international convention in Bora Bora last week. In his dissertation he described the newest procedures that only Board Certified Taxidermists can utilize to satisfy the whims of the rich and famous in their quest for narcissistic nirvana.
Noting that the latest trend for liberal politicians was the "slack-jawed jackal" look, which makes the subject appear neuroleptic, combined with the puckered "chicken lip" look that movie stars and models seek to make their seductive suckers more sexually attractive to potential suckees, Dr. Lecter described to fellow board members how Joe Biden was taxidermally altered so that he could become the man he really loved.
Once more, the BILLINGSGATE POST has gone beyond the boundaries of sanity and ethics to bring you titilating news that until now, only CNN and MSNBC could bring you. In the unrelenting quest for ways to provide even more subjective opinions on the candidates, our editors hope to match these media giants in the search for veracity in journalism, without the inhibiting burdens of proof.
Slim: “I wonder if the slack-jawed jackal look would help me with chicks.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. With your package, I would stick with what you got.”


thespoof--2020-05-20--Nashville Man Thinks World Is Upside-Down but Respects that World Doesn't Care What He Thinks

Witnessing comedy clubs implementing contactless temperature-monitoring of guests and people going for their daily jog in face masks , all in the name of curbing the spread of a disease comparable in severity to the flu , Nate Parker of Nashville , Tennessee , admitted to secretly thinking that the coronaivirus-responding world is upside-down , but emphasized that he respects that the world doesn ’ t care what he thinks .
“ I ’ m not sure how they ’ re going to enforce the two-drink minimum at the comedy club with everyone wearing face masks , '' he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they ’ ve got really smart people figuring that out .
Who am I , really , to ask questions ?
I ’ m no expert . ''
Nate noted , too , that the prospect of contact tracing and apps tracking his every move to ensure his lack of contact with virally-inappropriate humans somewhat creeps him out , but , again , he has utter confidence in the good faith and discretion of the government in employing such measures .
“ Actually , I don ’ t , ” he then backtracked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and I respect that .
Well , not exactly respect , but acknowledge , accept , observe , whatever.
” He shook his head .
`` I 'm also not sure how the Constitution plays into all of it , but I 'm sure lawyers somewhere are taking care of that . ''
More than anything else , though , Nate sought to underscore his own humility .
“ Again , I ’ m not a doctor , I ’ m not a politician , and I ’ m not a corporate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that no one cares what I think .
I ’ m a hundred-percent okay with that .
In fact , I wouldn ’ t have it any other way.
” He smiled and sighed .
“ Okay , honestly , it might be nice if one person cared - just one .
But seriously , no big deal .
I do n't need to be validated or agreed with or understood all the time , or even ever .
I 'll be fine .
I 'm a grownup .
I 'll muddle through @ @

Witnessing comedy clubs implementing contactless temperature-monitoring of guests and people going for their daily jog in face masks, all in the name of curbing the spread of a disease comparable in severity to the flu, Nate Parker of Nashville, Tennessee, admitted to secretly thinking that the coronaivirus-responding world is upside-down, but emphasized that he respects that the world doesn’t care what he thinks.
“I’m not sure how they’re going to enforce the two-drink minimum at the comedy club with everyone wearing face masks," he said, "but I’m sure they’ve got really smart people figuring that out. Who am I, really, to ask questions? I’m no expert."
Nate noted, too, that the prospect of contact tracing and apps tracking his every move to ensure his lack of contact with virally-inappropriate humans somewhat creeps him out, but, again, he has utter confidence in the good faith and discretion of the government in employing such measures. “Actually, I don’t,” he then backtracked. “But other people seem to, and I respect that. Well, not exactly respect, but acknowledge, accept, observe, whatever.” He shook his head. "I'm also not sure how the Constitution plays into all of it, but I'm sure lawyers somewhere are taking care of that."
More than anything else, though, Nate sought to underscore his own humility. “Again, I’m not a doctor, I’m not a politician, and I’m not a corporate pharmaceutical executive, so it makes sense that no one cares what I think. I’m a hundred-percent okay with that. In fact, I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
He smiled and sighed. “Okay, honestly, it might be nice if one person cared - just one. But seriously, no big deal. I don't need to be validated or agreed with or understood all the time, or even ever. I'll be fine. I'm a grownup. I'll muddle through."


thespoof--2020-05-20--Faucian Bargain: Faucian Dilemma:

Faucian Bargain: Faucian Dilemma:

Dr. Anthony Fauci is a conflicted man these days .
He believes that the medications that a patient takes is no one ’ s business other than the patient and the patient ’ s physician .
Accordingly , on one hand , he is not troubled by President Trump ’ s is taking hydroxychloroquine ( “ HCQ ” ) to keep from getting the coronavirus .
He is actually thrilled by that and wishes that Trump were taking much higher doses .
On the other hand , he is horrified that Trump has made this public because there is insufficient @ @ @ @ @ @ @ evidence that it is dangerous .
Not surprisingly , Fauci is concerned that others will do as Trump does .
Furthermore , Fauci , like his distant forebear , Dr. Faust , has been offered an attractive bargain by Mephistopheles .
He has been assured that if he tells President Trump that a combination of HCQ , rat poison , and arsenic will guarantee that Trump never gets COVID-19 , the President will eagerly consume such a potion .
Fauci has also been assured that , if this occurs , no one will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who recommended the concoction to the President .
The dilemma for Faust is the knowledge that Trump will almost certainly make public his plans before sipping the elixir and this could lead to disaster for numerous copycats who will do as Trump does .
As Fauci ponders this dilemma , he is anxious to hear any thoughts that you may have .
Should he accept the bargain ?
What would you do if you were Fauci ?

Dr. Anthony Fauci is a conflicted man these days. He believes that the medications that a patient takes is no one’s business other than the patient and the patient’s physician. Accordingly, on one hand, he is not troubled by President Trump’s is taking hydroxychloroquine (“HCQ”) to keep from getting the coronavirus. He is actually thrilled by that and wishes that Trump were taking much higher doses. On the other hand, he is horrified that Trump has made this public because there is insufficient evidence that HCQ prevents COVID-19 and some evidence that it is dangerous. Not surprisingly, Fauci is concerned that others will do as Trump does.
Furthermore, Fauci, like his distant forebear, Dr. Faust, has been offered an attractive bargain by Mephistopheles. He has been assured that if he tells President Trump that a combination of HCQ, rat poison, and arsenic will guarantee that Trump never gets COVID-19, the President will eagerly consume such a potion. Fauci has also been assured that, if this occurs, no one will ever know that he is the one who recommended the concoction to the President. The dilemma for Faust is the knowledge that Trump will almost certainly make public his plans before sipping the elixir and this could lead to disaster for numerous copycats who will do as Trump does.
As Fauci ponders this dilemma, he is anxious to hear any thoughts that you may have. Should he accept the bargain? What would you do if you were Fauci?


thespoof--2020-05-20--The President and The First Lady Pass Their Weekly Physical with Flying Colors

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Donald Trump and Melania had their weekly medical check-up with their personal physician , Dr. Yang Fu Fi .
The doctor informed Trump that he had the body of a 22-year-old college football quarterback .
He then informed Melania that she has the body of a 20-year-old college cheerleader .
Donald and Melania were so thrilled with the medical results , that they both high-fived the doctor and gave him a fist bump .
POTUS remarked that he is the greatest , most perfect , non-colluded doctor in the history of doctors .
FLOTUS replied , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dr. Flu-Fli.
” As the doctor got up to leave the couple ’ s bedroom , he said , “ Okay , so I ’ ll see both of you kids back here in a week .
Oh , and Melly , that cellulite cream that I gave you is working like a charm .
I did not see any cottage cheese on your upper thighs at all this time.
” “ And tank jew too many sweetie and ju be best , ” Melania commented .
Trump told the doctor as he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wait a moment .
Trump then gave Dr. Yang Fu Fi a nice $ 100 tip out of the White House petty fund .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump and Melania had their weekly medical check-up with their personal physician, Dr. Yang Fu Fi.
The doctor informed Trump that he had the body of a 22-year-old college football quarterback.
He then informed Melania that she has the body of a 20-year-old college cheerleader.
Donald and Melania were so thrilled with the medical results, that they both high-fived the doctor and gave him a fist bump.
POTUS remarked that he is the greatest, most perfect, non-colluded doctor in the history of doctors.
FLOTUS replied, “And dat goes for me too Dr. Flu-Fli.”
As the doctor got up to leave the couple’s bedroom, he said, “Okay, so I’ll see both of you kids back here in a week. Oh, and Melly, that cellulite cream that I gave you is working like a charm. I did not see any cottage cheese on your upper thighs at all this time.”
“Thanks doc,” Donald John remarked.
“And tank jew too many sweetie and ju be best,” Melania commented.
Trump told the doctor as he got to the Master bedroom door to wait a moment.
Trump then gave Dr. Yang Fu Fi a nice $100 tip out of the White House petty fund.


thespoof--2020-05-20--The Trump-Pelosi Feud Has Started and It’s a Nasty One

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Like two gladiators , one male , one female , Trump and Pelosi love to get it on ( battle wise ) .
And Miss Nancy poked POTUS right smack dab in his GOP pee-pee region , saying that he is morbidly obese and he 'll never lose weight ingesting 40,000 carbs per day .
Trump quickly screamed like a buck that had gotten his balls hung up on a barbed wire fence .
Pelosi said that , if the fake Electoral College president keeps putting on weight , the US Post Office will be giving @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trumpster quickly tweeted that Pelosi has recently started wearing a jockstrap for medical reasons .
She then said that Trumpy is looking as old as hell , and the last time she saw him , he smelled like orange hair dye .
The prez said that “ Bitter Butt ” Nancy was actually smelling her second chin .
Pelosi fired back saying that if “ The Russian Colluder-in-Chief ” gains anymore weight , Melania is liable to end up looking like a surfboard , a real , real skinny surfboard .
Trump then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to stop tweeting , because he had to go take his hydroxychloroquine pill , and see about having a bowel movement .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Like two gladiators, one male, one female, Trump and Pelosi love to get it on (battle wise).
And Miss Nancy poked POTUS right smack dab in his GOP pee-pee region, saying that he is morbidly obese and he'll never lose weight ingesting 40,000 carbs per day.
Trump quickly screamed like a buck that had gotten his balls hung up on a barbed wire fence.
Pelosi said that, if the fake Electoral College president keeps putting on weight, the US Post Office will be giving him his own zip code.
The Trumpster quickly tweeted that Pelosi has recently started wearing a jockstrap for medical reasons.
She then said that Trumpy is looking as old as hell, and the last time she saw him, he smelled like orange hair dye.
The prez said that “Bitter Butt” Nancy was actually smelling her second chin.
Pelosi fired back saying that if “The Russian Colluder-in-Chief” gains anymore weight, Melania is liable to end up looking like a surfboard, a real, real skinny surfboard.
Trump then stated that he was going to have to stop tweeting, because he had to go take his hydroxychloroquine pill, and see about having a bowel movement.


thespoof--2020-05-20--White House Reporters are Reporting That When Kayleigh McEnany Lies She Begins to Lisp and Her Nostr

White House Reporters are Reporting That When Kayleigh McEnany Lies She Begins to Lisp and Her Nostrils Flare Up

WASHINGTON , D.C. – It seems that the White House reporters have discovered a little idiosyncrasy regarding press secretary , @ @ @ @ @ ” McEnany .
The iNews Agency ’ s Kitty Segovia reported that she has noticed @ @ @ @ @ lying , her lips flare up and she begins to lisp .
She said that @ @ @ @ @ first asked , `` Does thummbody have a question ?
`` , half the reporters @ @ @ @ @ And then , when she said , `` What ’ s thoo funny y ’ @ @ @ @ @ have joined in and the laughter sounded like a TV sit-com laugh track .
The @ @ @ @ @ that the reason why Trump picked McEnany to be his White House press secretary , @ @ @ @ @ who was pretty , slender , and who could lie like an effen mofoer .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – It seems that the White House reporters have discovered a little idiosyncrasy regarding press secretary, Kayleigh “The Keibler Elf” McEnany.
The iNews Agency’s Kitty Segovia reported that she has noticed that, whenever Kayleigh is lying, her lips flare up and she begins to lisp.
She said that, when “Kay-Kay” first asked, "Does thummbody have a question?", half the reporters broke out laughing uncontrollably.
And then, when she said, "What’s thoo funny y’all?" The other have joined in and the laughter sounded like a TV sit-com laugh track.
The Chicago Daily Wind newspaper reported that the reason why Trump picked McEnany to be his White House press secretary, is because he wanted someone who was pretty, slender, and who could lie like an effen mofoer.


thespoof--2020-05-20--President Trump Visits a KFC and a Secret Service Agent Fires off a Shot

ANNAPOLIS , Maryland – The President and his creepy-looking Treasury Secretary , Steven Mnuchin , were having lunch at a local KFC .
An employee commented that the two were sitting at the far end of the restaurant like a couple of forlorn lovers .
The lead secret service agent had informed the manager that , if anybody came within 6 feet of the president , they would run the risk of getting their ass shot .
The manager assured them that no one would get anywhere near the commander-in-chief .
The manager then asked if it was really necessary @ @ @ @ @ @ @ launcher , a bazooka , and a flame thrower into the establishment .
When told that it was , he said that , in that case , he was closing the establishment .
He politely asked that the President , and whoever that ugly-looking swamp creature was , to put down their chicken wings dinner and leave the premises immediately .
One of the agents suddenly fired a shot in the air .
Nine of the kitchen employees screamed like crazed banshees , and all immediately hit the floor .
The fry cook @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out , “ Oh , my goodness sakes alive , honey childs , it be ’ s dem Taliban bitches fa shizzle ma nizzle . ''
She then screamed , “ I leffs my cell phone in da Hyundai so someone sho nuff needs ta be calling 911-THETALIBANBITCHESBEHERE !
!
!
”

ANNAPOLIS, Maryland – The President and his creepy-looking Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin, were having lunch at a local KFC.
An employee commented that the two were sitting at the far end of the restaurant like a couple of forlorn lovers.
The lead secret service agent had informed the manager that, if anybody came within 6 feet of the president, they would run the risk of getting their ass shot.
The manager assured them that no one would get anywhere near the commander-in-chief.
The manager then asked if it was really necessary for them to have brought a grenade launcher, a bazooka, and a flame thrower into the establishment.
When told that it was, he said that, in that case, he was closing the establishment.
He politely asked that the President, and whoever that ugly-looking swamp creature was, to put down their chicken wings dinner and leave the premises immediately.
One of the agents suddenly fired a shot in the air.
Nine of the kitchen employees screamed like crazed banshees, and all immediately hit the floor.
The fry cook, identified as Velveeta Washington, yelled out, “Oh, my goodness sakes alive, honey childs, it be’s dem Taliban bitches fa shizzle ma nizzle."
She then screamed, “I leffs my cell phone in da Hyundai so someone sho nuff needs ta be calling 911-THETALIBANBITCHESBEHERE!!!”


thespoof--2020-05-20--COVID-19 Hates Women Leaders, Loves Trump

Scientists all over the world have discovered messages under their microscopes .
They are bizarre configurations from the coronavirus .
The communications are all the same : We hate women leaders and adore male authoritarians and strongmen .
The COVID-19 's messages read , “ We despise Germany ’ s Angela Merkel and her calm explanation of the virus ' infection rate , a bick yuck to Scotland ’ s Nicola Sturgeon and her helpful strategy documents .
And holy bats and wet markets , New Zealand ’ s Jacinda Ardern , with her empathetic Facebook Live addresses and decision @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t our pal !
“ Iceland ’ s Katrín Jakobsdóttir , who has offered free coronavirus testing to all the country ’ s citizens , is disgusting .
What a pussy !
Whatever happened to capitalism ?
And how cloying is it that Norway ’ s Erna Solberg held a press conference just for children ?
” “ We love actual and would-be strongmen , ” say the COVID-19 's messages .
“ Let ’ s start with Donald Trump .
He said we would miraculously disappear and waited weeks to deal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and murder thousands .
Of course , we adore his idiot followers who infect one another in close quarters contact !
And how about Vladie ?
Russia now has the second-highest number of confirmed COVID-19 cases in the world .
Maybe he advises Trump !
“ We mustn ’ t forget dictator Xi Jinping of China : Under him , doctors ’ concerns about the new disease emerging in Wuhan were suppressed .
The boys in Iran are desperately downplaying the extent of infections .
Brazil ’ s crazyman Jair Bolsonaro dismissed the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a bit of a cold ” , and attended an anti-lockdown protest .
Now , we deadly virus ’ are a rampant there .
“ What would we do without the men ?
” concluded the missive from the coronavirus .

Scientists all over the world have discovered messages under their microscopes. They are bizarre configurations from the coronavirus. The communications are all the same: We hate women leaders and adore male authoritarians and strongmen.
The COVID-19's messages read, “We despise Germany’s Angela Merkel and her calm explanation of the virus' infection rate, a bick yuck to Scotland’s Nicola Sturgeon and her helpful strategy documents. And holy bats and wet markets, New Zealand’s Jacinda Ardern, with her empathetic Facebook Live addresses and decision to lock down the country early isn’t our pal!
“Iceland’s Katrín Jakobsdóttir, who has offered free coronavirus testing to all the country’s citizens, is disgusting. What a pussy! Whatever happened to capitalism? And how cloying is it that Norway’s Erna Solberg held a press conference just for children?”
“We love actual and would-be strongmen,” say the COVID-19's messages. “Let’s start with Donald Trump. He said we would miraculously disappear and waited weeks to deal with us, allowing us to infect and murder thousands. Of course, we adore his idiot followers who infect one another in close quarters contact! And how about Vladie? Russia now has the second-highest number of confirmed COVID-19 cases in the world. Maybe he advises Trump!
“We mustn’t forget dictator Xi Jinping of China: Under him, doctors’ concerns about the new disease emerging in Wuhan were suppressed. The boys in Iran are desperately downplaying the extent of infections. Brazil’s crazyman Jair Bolsonaro dismissed the coronavirus as “a little flu or a bit of a cold”, and attended an anti-lockdown protest. Now, we deadly virus’ are a rampant there.
“ What would we do without the men?” concluded the missive from the coronavirus.


thespoof--2020-05-20--Hydroxychloroquine Has Driven Trump Crazy

President Donald Trump said , Monday , he 's been taking the drug hydroxychloroquine daily for a week and a half .
`` I take it because I hear very good things about it , '' Trump said at the White House press conference .
He continued , “ Sean Hannity told me it ’ s a good coronavirus treatment.
” The dosage Trump is taking far exceeds the amount to be taken for Malaria , the disease for which the drug is intended .
It is unknown what the effects are , but some medical doctors say it could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , delusions , idiocy , and madness .
At the same press conference , on other subjects , Trump repeatedly contradicted himself and spoke of 'Obamagate , ' and Chinese test tubes causing the coronavirus without giving any evidence .
In connection with this and other claims made without support , he said , “ I ’ ve told thousands of lies since I became Commandant-In-Chief .
But so what ?
I have the authority to do anything I want .
Besides , sometimes I tell the truth ; that keeps the fake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
I find being President better than grabbing pussy . ''
Continuing , Tump explained why he did not read the daily intelligence briefings warning of a forthcoming plague : “ The so-called intelligence people do n't know anything compared to me , because my beautiful , genius intuition knows what they don ’ t know , like there are 50 states in the union . ''
Finally , while sniffing repeatedly , he wouldn ’ t let reporters finish asking questions , swaying , yelling and gesticulating at them wildly .
Whispered @ @ @ @ @ @ @ looks like the doctors ' warnings of the dangers of hydroxychloroquine were right ; it seems to have driven Trump nuts !
” '' Do you really know ?
How can you tell the difference between today 's and last week 's press conference ? ''
inquired the other reporter .

President Donald Trump said, Monday, he's been taking the drug hydroxychloroquine daily for a week and a half. "I take it because I hear very good things about it," Trump said at the White House press conference. He continued, “Sean Hannity told me it’s a good coronavirus treatment.”
The dosage Trump is taking far exceeds the amount to be taken for Malaria, the disease for which the drug is intended. It is unknown what the effects are, but some medical doctors say it could cause severe separation from reality, dementia, delusions, idiocy, and madness.
At the same press conference, on other subjects, Trump repeatedly contradicted himself and spoke of 'Obamagate,' and Chinese test tubes causing the coronavirus without giving any evidence. In connection with this and other claims made without support, he said, “I’ve told thousands of lies since I became Commandant-In-Chief. But so what? I have the authority to do anything I want. Besides, sometimes I tell the truth; that keeps the fake news off balance. What a hoot! I find being President better than grabbing pussy."
Continuing, Tump explained why he did not read the daily intelligence briefings warning of a forthcoming plague: “The so-called intelligence people don't know anything compared to me, because my beautiful, genius intuition knows what they don’t know, like there are 50 states in the union."
Finally, while sniffing repeatedly, he wouldn’t let reporters finish asking questions, swaying, yelling and gesticulating at them wildly.
Whispered one reporter to another, “It looks like the doctors' warnings of the dangers of hydroxychloroquine were right; it seems to have driven Trump nuts!”
"Do you really know? How can you tell the difference between today's and last week's press conference?" inquired the other reporter.


thespoof--2020-05-21--Pole-dance and strip club controversy rocks US with Mr. Fauci cautioning

With the US in various stages of “ opening up , ” Wyoming yesterday led the field into daring new areas of freedom .
It is now possible in Wyoming to go to a strip and pole-dance palace , despite rules and imprecations to remain under house arrest .
Clubs must make sure club personnel wear masks , plus wash their hands with the fervor of Lady Macbeth .
The pole is regularly and thoroughly cleansed .
NO lap dances are permitted .
As we now know , science has conducted studies determining the exact distance one must keep from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ six feet , six inches , nor five feet three inches ; it is precisely six feet in which the droplets confine themselves to roaming their territory looking for something to infest .
No , absolutely not .
What about lowering a dancer above the uplifted face of the customer , dangling to a borderline six feet separation ?
The courts must decide .
Also , clubs must have a sign outside the door : `` Recreate responsibly !
” These developments have brought new controversy and bitter indecisiveness .
Trump : Well @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in this , what with bare faces up against ah bare assets—but , of course , masked !
Fauci : No , no , no .
There 's nothing safe here .
Imagine an atmosphere of bar , liquor , stripping , pole-dancing ( btw I personally have never attended such a place ha ha ! )
.
Trump : Well , I must say Wyoming here is the leading edge .
Americans are an exuberant type of people .
We like to get up and out , you know .
Fauci : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to do with the problem !
Death stalks this country !
He looks in every window of every abode , every apartment , every place of business -- every night !
This is what we must stop !
And if it means sacrificing a few things like the constitution and the economy -- well , so what ?
.
Despite the pessimism , Wyoming reports an economic uptick with further sparkling ideas under development .
Elsewhere in the US , a sanitized , tent-type entryway to a supermarket has emerged from brilliant innovators @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his cart throught the aperture and is sprayed with disinfectant , prior to entering the store..
The Wyoming spin on this : The customer enters through a tunnel ( resembling the female flower in early design notions , so far ) and is sprayed by disinfectant .
This would allow lap dancing .
A meeting of governors is currently being scheduled in case these ideas may help boost population morale and increase state coffers .

With the US in various stages of “opening up,” Wyoming yesterday led the field into daring new areas of freedom.
It is now possible in Wyoming to go to a strip and pole-dance palace, despite rules and imprecations to remain under house arrest.
Clubs must make sure club personnel wear masks, plus wash their hands with the fervor of Lady Macbeth.
The pole is regularly and thoroughly cleansed. NO lap dances are permitted.
As we now know, science has conducted studies determining the exact distance one must keep from another's droplets.
It is not six feet, six inches, nor five feet three inches; it is precisely six feet in which the droplets confine themselves to roaming their territory looking for something to infest.
Now, a lap dance?
No, absolutely not. What about lowering a dancer above the uplifted face of the customer, dangling to a borderline six feet separation? The courts must decide.
Also, clubs must have a sign outside the door: "Recreate responsibly!”
These developments have brought new controversy and bitter indecisiveness.
Trump: Well, I know of no science involved in this, what with bare faces up against ah bare assets—but ,of course, masked!
Fauci: No, no, no. There's nothing safe here. Imagine an atmosphere of bar, liquor, stripping, pole-dancing (btw I personally have never attended such a place ha ha!).
Trump: Well, I must say Wyoming here is the leading edge. Americans are an exuberant type of people. We like to get up and out, you know.
Fauci: You see all of that has nothing to do with the problem! Death stalks this country! He looks in every window of every abode, every apartment, every place of business--every night! This is what we must stop! And if it means sacrificing a few things like the constitution and the economy--well, so what?.
Despite the pessimism, Wyoming reports an economic uptick with further sparkling ideas under development.
Elsewhere in the US, a sanitized, tent-type entryway to a supermarket has emerged from brilliant innovators on the scene.
The customer wheels his cart throught the aperture and is sprayed with disinfectant, prior to entering the store..
The Wyoming spin on this:
The customer enters through a tunnel (resembling the female flower in early design notions, so far) and is sprayed by disinfectant. This would allow lap dancing.
A meeting of governors is currently being scheduled in case these ideas may help boost population morale and increase state coffers.


thespoof--2020-05-20--Barr, Justice Department Rule Snake Handling a First Amendment Right

Department of Justice , Washington , D.C .
Following its law suit to strike down state banning of religious gatherings during the Covid-19 pandemic , the Justice Department has taken an additional step in defense of religious freedom guaranteed by the First Amendment 's freedom of religion clause .
Today , it ruled that handling of rattlesnakes by religious-oriented congregations was a protected right under the religion clause in that amendment .
Attorney General William Barr , in a printed statement to the press , announced : `` This Administration will not stand idly by while state legislatures defile the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gatherings .
`` If , as we contend , the state can not ban public attendance at religious services because of the virus , then the state has no right to tell congregants that they ca n't handle rattlesnakes at a church-oriented gathering .
Those practicing snake handling do so with the belief that their faith will protect them , and the successful snake handling is a sign that they are God 's chosen people .
The state has no moral or legal right to infringe on their belief .
`` We find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crowds to congregate in restaurants , malls , beaches and elsewhere during a pandemic but would ban an innocent and deeply religious event such as a church-run snake handling service . ''
The market for rattlesnakes , particularly those who have had their poison surgically removed , rose sharply on the New York Stock Exchange following Barr 's announcement .

Department of Justice, Washington, D.C. Following its law suit to strike down state banning of religious gatherings during the Covid-19 pandemic, the Justice Department has taken an additional step in defense of religious freedom guaranteed by the First Amendment's freedom of religion clause. Today, it ruled that handling of rattlesnakes by religious-oriented congregations was a protected right under the religion clause in that amendment.
Attorney General William Barr, in a printed statement to the press, announced: "This Administration will not stand idly by while state legislatures defile the Constitution by banning snake handling at religious gatherings.
"If, as we contend, the state cannot ban public attendance at religious services because of the virus, then the state has no right to tell congregants that they can't handle rattlesnakes at a church-oriented gathering. Those practicing snake handling do so with the belief that their faith will protect them, and the successful snake handling is a sign that they are God's chosen people. The state has no moral or legal right to infringe on their belief.
"We find it inconceivable that any state would allow crowds to congregate in restaurants, malls, beaches and elsewhere during a pandemic but would ban an innocent and deeply religious event such as a church-run snake handling service."
The market for rattlesnakes, particularly those who have had their poison surgically removed, rose sharply on the New York Stock Exchange following Barr's announcement.


thespoof--2020-05-21--Insightful Therapist Probes Client's Childhood Memories for Source of Her Neurotic Aversion to Gover

Insightful Therapist Probes Client's Childhood Memories for Source of Her Neurotic Aversion to Government Surveillance

“ Did you have a major privacy violation as a child or teenager , like maybe someone sneaking into your room and reading your diary ?
” asked therapist Christina Carter , probing for the source of her client ’ s expressed reservations about the prospect of contact tracing and ongoing government surveillance in the COVID-19 era .
“ What was the traumatic breach of trust that caused you to distrust the government ’ s motives now ?
” It was a question that Carter ’ s client , Anna G. , had never thought to ask herself .
Surprised @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it seems obvious that no one would want to be monitored and spied on all the time by the government .
But the fact that you even raised the question makes me wonder if maybe most people are totally okay with ongoing government surveillance .
And zero privacy . ''
It was the breakthrough that Carter had been hoping for for weeks – a chip in Anna ’ s deep-rooted neurosis manifesting as paranoid suspicion of authority .
`` Exactly ! ''
she exclaimed , scarcely able to hide her delight .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Fourth Amendment or social justice or even bodily autonomy ; it ’ s your own hyper-vigilance , learned in childhood .
No shame - it was a useful coping skill for you then .
But this is your opportunity as an adult to release those childhood fears and allow yourself to fully surrender to the loving embrace of the State .
Can you do that , Anna ?
” Anna laughed and shook her head .
“ Why would I want to do anything but ?
Let me guess – next are you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is internal , not external ?
” Dr. Carter laughed , too .
“ You took the words right out of my mouth .
Now , when would you like to schedule our next session ?
”

“Did you have a major privacy violation as a child or teenager, like maybe someone sneaking into your room and reading your diary?” asked therapist Christina Carter, probing for the source of her client’s expressed reservations about the prospect of contact tracing and ongoing government surveillance in the COVID-19 era. “What was the traumatic breach of trust that caused you to distrust the government’s motives now?”
It was a question that Carter’s client, Anna G., had never thought to ask herself. Surprised, she responded, “To me, it seems obvious that no one would want to be monitored and spied on all the time by the government. But the fact that you even raised the question makes me wonder if maybe most people are totally okay with ongoing government surveillance. And zero privacy."
It was the breakthrough that Carter had been hoping for for weeks – a chip in Anna’s deep-rooted neurosis manifesting as paranoid suspicion of authority. "Exactly!" she exclaimed, scarcely able to hide her delight. "The issue isn’t the Fourth Amendment or social justice or even bodily autonomy; it’s your own hyper-vigilance, learned in childhood. No shame - it was a useful coping skill for you then. But this is your opportunity as an adult to release those childhood fears and allow yourself to fully surrender to the loving embrace of the State. Can you do that, Anna?”
Anna laughed and shook her head. “Why would I want to do anything but? Let me guess – next are you going to tell me that true freedom is internal, not external?”
Dr. Carter laughed, too. “You took the words right out of my mouth. Now, when would you like to schedule our next session?”