thespoof--2020-05-07--In An Effort To Try and Get Some Black Votes Trump Announces He Will Be Renaming the Black Hills

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Reports filtering out of the White House are saying that the president is very concerned about his extreme lack of popularity with the African-American voters .
The Daily Wind just released a poll stating that , among all eligible voters of color , only 1.3 % say that they will vote for Trump .
And that Infinitessimal amount includes such individuals as Ben “ Uncle Tom ” Carson ; ex-sheriff of Milwaukee , David “ Uncle Tom ” Clarke ; Aunt Tomasinas , Diamond and Silk ; LeRoy Jefferson ; Jefferson Franklin ; and Kambuta Tatatumba @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who taught Trump how to play the oboe during their days at Trump University .
“ Tat ” is also currently teaching the president and his daughter , Ivanka , how to correctly pronounce African-American words and phrases like “ Bye Felicia , I be woke , yo bro , and can I ax you a question ?
” Recently , Trump advisers , Kellyanne Conway , Kimberly Guilfoyle , and Scott Baio , advised the president to change the name of South Dakota 's Black Hills to the African-American Hills .
Scott @ @ @ @ @ @ @ friends who said that they ’ ll most probably vote for Trump if he makes the change .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Reports filtering out of the White House are saying that the president is very concerned about his extreme lack of popularity with the African-American voters.
The Daily Wind just released a poll stating that, among all eligible voters of color, only 1.3% say that they will vote for Trump.
And that Infinitessimal amount includes such individuals as Ben “Uncle Tom” Carson; ex-sheriff of Milwaukee, David “Uncle Tom” Clarke; Aunt Tomasinas, Diamond and Silk; LeRoy Jefferson; Jefferson Franklin; and Kambuta Tatatumba.
Tatatumba is the famous Kenyan musician who taught Trump how to play the oboe during their days at Trump University.
“Tat” is also currently teaching the president and his daughter, Ivanka, how to correctly pronounce African-American words and phrases like “Bye Felicia, I be woke, yo bro, and can I ax you a question?”
Recently, Trump advisers, Kellyanne Conway, Kimberly Guilfoyle, and Scott Baio, advised the president to change the name of South Dakota's Black Hills to the African-American Hills.
Scott Baio noted that he has three black friends who said that they’ll most probably vote for Trump if he makes the change.


thespoof--2020-05-07--CDC Partners with Bayer AG to Disinfect the Woods

Cognizant that months of sheltering in place will have made people especially vulnerable to bacterial hazards , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with Bayer AG , which acquired what used to be Monsanto in June of 2018 , to disinfect the entire outdoors , including woods , gardens , front lawns , backyards , and public parks , so that when the coronavirus lockdown is finally fully lifted and some Americans opt to risk venturing out into the open air , they are not immediately struck down by a rogue germ .
`` Public parks may @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fooled , '' warned CDC Director Robert Redfield .
`` They 're a hotbed of lurking viruses . ''
He added , `` Obviously , not going outside at all is optimal .
But we recognize that , for some Americans , that may not be sustainable over the long term . ''
Redfield went on to explain that sanitizing rocks , trees , shrubbery , and dirt will go a long way in mitigating the dangers of the publicly manicured wilderness .
And for the hundreds of millions of Americans immunocompromised after @ @ @ @ @ @ @ levels of viruses and bacteria which would , under ordinary circumstances , keep their immune systems robust and capable of warding off such generally innocuous bugs as the coronavirus , former-Monsanto ’ s signature weed-killer , Roundup , will serve to make the outdoors that much safer by killing any virus or bacteria with which it comes in contact .
“ At least we think it will , '' said Redfield .
“ Fingers crossed on that one . ''
The potentially protective aspect of Monsanto 's Roundup will come at a logistical @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kills plants , all of the flora in public parks will first need to be genetically modified so as to be able to withstand being sprayed with the highly toxic herbicide .
“ That means that the parks will need to stay closed just a little longer so that we can switch everything over to GMO , ” said Redfield .
“ But I think everyone will agree it 's a small price to pay in the war against the virus.
” Bayer stock skyrocketed in value following the announcement of the partnership @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expected to climb still further in the weeks to come , since many United States courts are closed to the public due to coronavirus pandemic , eliminating the specter of another Roundup cancer trial in the near future .
“ It ’ s all coming together for Big Pharma and Big Government and the American people , '' said Redfiled .
`` Again , stay safe , everyone .
We 're all in this together . ''

Cognizant that months of sheltering in place will have made people especially vulnerable to bacterial hazards, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has partnered with Bayer AG, which acquired what used to be Monsanto in June of 2018, to disinfect the entire outdoors, including woods, gardens, front lawns, backyards, and public parks, so that when the coronavirus lockdown is finally fully lifted and some Americans opt to risk venturing out into the open air, they are not immediately struck down by a rogue germ.
"Public parks may look pretty, but don't be fooled," warned CDC Director Robert Redfield. "They're a hotbed of lurking viruses."
He added, "Obviously, not going outside at all is optimal. But we recognize that, for some Americans, that may not be sustainable over the long term."
Redfield went on to explain that sanitizing rocks, trees, shrubbery, and dirt will go a long way in mitigating the dangers of the publicly manicured wilderness. And for the hundreds of millions of Americans immunocompromised after months of not being exposed to normal levels of viruses and bacteria which would, under ordinary circumstances, keep their immune systems robust and capable of warding off such generally innocuous bugs as the coronavirus, former-Monsanto’s signature weed-killer, Roundup, will serve to make the outdoors that much safer by killing any virus or bacteria with which it comes in contact. “At least we think it will," said Redfield. “Fingers crossed on that one."
The potentially protective aspect of Monsanto's Roundup will come at a logistical cost, however; given that Roundup kills plants, all of the flora in public parks will first need to be genetically modified so as to be able to withstand being sprayed with the highly toxic herbicide. “That means that the parks will need to stay closed just a little longer so that we can switch everything over to GMO,” said Redfield. “But I think everyone will agree it's a small price to pay in the war against the virus.”
Bayer stock skyrocketed in value following the announcement of the partnership with the CDC, and it is expected to climb still further in the weeks to come, since many United States courts are closed to the public due to coronavirus pandemic, eliminating the specter of another Roundup cancer trial in the near future. “It’s all coming together for Big Pharma and Big Government and the American people," said Redfiled. "Again, stay safe, everyone. We're all in this together."


thespoof--2020-05-08--Trump Denies French Claims That Coronavirus Was Present In France In November

Donald Trump has refured French scientists ' claims that the Coronavirus , initially thought to have originated in China in January , or even December , was present in France as far back ago as November .
Trump said that this would not fit in with his plan .
French labs are starting to report that tests they conducted in November show that some patients already had the then-unknown Covid-19 , but were able to recover from it , making worthless Chinese claims that the virus jumped from bats to humans in a Wuhan wet market .
The news also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about China , and , indeed , any future plans he may have had for Chinese trade arrangements .
For this reason , Trump said in a tweet , last night : '' I know the French are just trying to show some sympathy for Beijing , but I was n't born yesterday !
I did n't fall off a Christmas tree !
I know , very well , where that Chinese flu came from , and it was China ! ''
As an afterthought , the President tweeted a follow-up tweet : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people all of the time , and some of the people some of the time , but I 'm not as stupid as I look . ''

Donald Trump has refured French scientists' claims that the Coronavirus, initially thought to have originated in China in January, or even December, was present in France as far back ago as November.
Trump said that this would not fit in with his plan.
French labs are starting to report that tests they conducted in November show that some patients already had the then-unknown Covid-19, but were able to recover from it, making worthless Chinese claims that the virus jumped from bats to humans in a Wuhan wet market.
The news also lays waste to President Trump's comments about China, and, indeed, any future plans he may have had for Chinese trade arrangements.
For this reason, Trump said in a tweet, last night:
"I know the French are just trying to show some sympathy for Beijing, but I wasn't born yesterday! I didn't fall off a Christmas tree! I know, very well, where that Chinese flu came from, and it was China!"
As an afterthought, the President tweeted a follow-up tweet:
"You can fool all of the people all of the time, and some of the people some of the time, but I'm not as stupid as I look."


thespoof--2020-05-08--Don Lemon to Brett Kavanaugh: When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you.

Brett Kavanaugh , Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court , appears to have finally learned his lesson from the MeToo Movement .
In an interview ostensibly about the constitutional ramifications of Covid19 and the growing concern about the erosion of privacy wrought by enforced social distancing , mandatory testing and electronic tracking , CNN ’ s Don Lemon , apropos of nothing ( as usual ) , asked Justice Kavanaugh what he thought of the recent sexual assault allegations against Democratic Presidential Nominee , Joe Biden , and how ( not if ) it impacts his qualifications to serve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the issue , Justice Kavanaugh launched into an impassioned polemic about the Supreme Court ’ s failure to keep current with modern , enlightened notions of mob justice , or , what others archaically refer to as “ due process.
” He acknowledges that he remains a strong originalist but maintains that the novel MeToo-inspired presumption that one is guilty until proven so is not , in fact , at odds with the Court ’ s traditional application of mob justice [ sic ] [ due process ] .
Rather , the presumption @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stale evidence merely represents the natural arc of constitutional evolution .
`` After all , ” according to Kavanaugh , “ the Framers did not have yearbooks back then , and they certainly did n't have keg parties .
If a woman wanted to humiliate a person with salacious accusations , destroying his career and alienating him from his friends and family , she had no recourse other than to present actual evidence . ''
Looking confused , as if Kavanaugh had transitioned mid-sentence into a foreign language , Lemon stammered , `` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ? '
Do you mean witnesses ? ''
`` Yes , '' responded Kavanaugh , `` and if they were white , male property owners , even better .
But I digress .
The point is , that kind of evidence is now superfluous at best – in fact , it 's simply irrelevant to any dispassionate , reasonable analysis .
As my colleague Ruth says , 'witnesses shmitnesses . '
'' `` So , ” Lemon asked with a knowing twinkle like a child seeking a parent ’ s affirmation , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ – do you attribute it to the woke media , which heroically gives a forum to the pointless [ sic ] [ voiceless ] , manufactures [ sic ] [ shapes ] the issues and sanctimoniously [ sic ] [ objectively ] conveys them to the public ?
Or are we just smarter than the Framers ?
” Kavanaugh , turning ruddy , remonstrated , “ No one is smarter than the Framers !
But we have evolved beyond the need for intelligence .
You see , the Framers were all about science-based @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of fairness and democracy .
But all that is inapplicable today because we have learned to eschew burdensome facts in favor of what really matters – clickable outrage .
Or again , as Ruth would put it , the ‘ Oy Factor.
’ ” A skeptical Lemon probed Kavanaugh as if to determine whether he was being sincere or if he was merely saying what he thought people wanted to hear so that he could once again show his face at his daughter ’ s piano recitals .
“ So what about you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sure didn ’ t take it very well as I recall.
” Kavanaugh , now a moist , glistening shade of crimson , took a deep breath and appeared to quickly pop something in his mouth before washing it down with a conspicuously displayed bottle of vegan soy milk .
“ Look , I may be a Justice of the highest court in the United States , I may be a Yale Law graduate and public servant with a prolific , unblemished career in the federal courts , I may be a good @ @ @ @ @ @ @ m only human .
I was wrong – I see that now .
I mean if my accuser said that I laid down on top of her in a beer-fueled stupor and frightened her 30 years ago , it must be accepted as true .
Period .
Oh , and it must also be true that the event objectively rose to the level of assault .
After all , she testified that the event was ‘ indelible in the hippocampus.
’ Shit – I can ’ t argue with that .
It 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s a psych professor , for fuck ’ s sake !
Meanwhile , psych was my eight o ’ clock class freshman year , and you better believe I was usually sleeping in after nights of beer bongs and , so I hear ( hence it too must be true ) , thrusting my penis in people ’ s faces .
Plus , I thought the hippocampus referred to Radcliffe because that ’ s where all the fat chicks went.
” “ Wow , ” fawned Lemon , “ that ’ s remarkable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this process of self-correction ?
Did we in the media play any role in bringing you to this low , epiphanal moment ?
” “ Yes , actually .
And the process started even before I gave my testimony , in which I dared defend not only myself but also certain silly , old fashioned notions of justice .
I think it was when I saw the NY Times article about Professor Ford ’ s testimony , which had the headline : ‘ With Caffeine and Determination , Ford Relives Her Trauma.
’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there it was plain as day and as truthful and accurate as anything the Times ever published .
By reporting ‘ her trauma ’ as fact – right up there in the headline , no less – rather than as allegation , the Times brought me to my knees with the sudden acceptance that the accusations were undeniable – even by me – since , after all , she made them with caffeine and determination .
“ As for Biden ’ s accuser , ” concluded Kavanaugh , “ I don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then again who needs ‘ em , right ?
So , in answer to your original question – what do I think of the Biden sex allegations – my answer is and always will be : you tell me .
”

Brett Kavanaugh, Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, appears to have finally learned his lesson from the MeToo Movement.
In an interview ostensibly about the constitutional ramifications of Covid19 and the growing concern about the erosion of privacy wrought by enforced social distancing, mandatory testing and electronic tracking, CNN’s Don Lemon, apropos of nothing (as usual), asked Justice Kavanaugh what he thought of the recent sexual assault allegations against Democratic Presidential Nominee, Joe Biden, and how (not if) it impacts his qualifications to serve as President.
Appearing visibly distraught over the issue, Justice Kavanaugh launched into an impassioned polemic about the Supreme Court’s failure to keep current with modern, enlightened notions of mob justice, or, what others archaically refer to as “due process.” He acknowledges that he remains a strong originalist but maintains that the novel MeToo-inspired presumption that one is guilty until proven so is not, in fact, at odds with the Court’s traditional application of mob justice [sic] [due process]. Rather, the presumption of guilt based upon only weak, stale evidence merely represents the natural arc of constitutional evolution.
"After all,” according to Kavanaugh, “the Framers did not have yearbooks back then, and they certainly didn't have keg parties. If a woman wanted to humiliate a person with salacious accusations, destroying his career and alienating him from his friends and family, she had no recourse other than to present actual evidence."
Looking confused, as if Kavanaugh had transitioned mid-sentence into a foreign language, Lemon stammered, "What do you mean by 'actual evidence?' Do you mean witnesses?"
"Yes," responded Kavanaugh, "and if they were white, male property owners, even better. But I digress. The point is, that kind of evidence is now superfluous at best – in fact, it's simply irrelevant to any dispassionate, reasonable analysis. As my colleague Ruth says, 'witnesses shmitnesses.'"
"So,” Lemon asked with a knowing twinkle like a child seeking a parent’s affirmation, “this 'evolution' that you speak of – do you attribute it to the woke media, which heroically gives a forum to the pointless [sic] [voiceless], manufactures [sic] [shapes] the issues and sanctimoniously [sic] [objectively] conveys them to the public? Or are we just smarter than the Framers?”
Kavanaugh, turning ruddy, remonstrated, “No one is smarter than the Framers! But we have evolved beyond the need for intelligence. You see, the Framers were all about science-based knowledge, logic, and ancient philosophies of fairness and democracy. But all that is inapplicable today because we have learned to eschew burdensome facts in favor of what really matters – clickable outrage. Or again, as Ruth would put it, the ‘Oy Factor.’”
A skeptical Lemon probed Kavanaugh as if to determine whether he was being sincere or if he was merely saying what he thought people wanted to hear so that he could once again show his face at his daughter’s piano recitals. “So what about you? You were accused, and you sure didn’t take it very well as I recall.”
Kavanaugh, now a moist, glistening shade of crimson, took a deep breath and appeared to quickly pop something in his mouth before washing it down with a conspicuously displayed bottle of vegan soy milk.
“Look, I may be a Justice of the highest court in the United States, I may be a Yale Law graduate and public servant with a prolific, unblemished career in the federal courts, I may be a good husband and father, but I’m only human. I was wrong – I see that now. I mean if my accuser said that I laid down on top of her in a beer-fueled stupor and frightened her 30 years ago, it must be accepted as true. Period.
Oh, and it must also be true that the event objectively rose to the level of assault. After all, she testified that the event was ‘indelible in the hippocampus.’ Shit – I can’t argue with that. It's god damn science! And she’s a psych professor, for fuck’s sake! Meanwhile, psych was my eight o’clock class freshman year, and you better believe I was usually sleeping in after nights of beer bongs and, so I hear (hence it too must be true), thrusting my penis in people’s faces. Plus, I thought the hippocampus referred to Radcliffe because that’s where all the fat chicks went.”
“Wow,” fawned Lemon, “that’s remarkable. How long did it take – this process of self-correction? Did we in the media play any role in bringing you to this low, epiphanal moment?”
“Yes, actually. And the process started even before I gave my testimony, in which I dared defend not only myself but also certain silly, old fashioned notions of justice. I think it was when I saw the NY Times article about Professor Ford’s testimony, which had the headline: ‘With Caffeine and Determination, Ford Relives Her Trauma.’
"I mean c’mon – there it was plain as day and as truthful and accurate as anything the Times ever published. By reporting ‘her trauma’ as fact – right up there in the headline, no less – rather than as allegation, the Times brought me to my knees with the sudden acceptance that the accusations were undeniable – even by me – since, after all, she made them with caffeine and determination.
“As for Biden’s accuser,” concluded Kavanaugh, “I don’t know all the facts yet. But then again who needs ‘em, right? So, in answer to your original question – what do I think of the Biden sex allegations – my answer is and always will be: you tell me.”


thespoof--2020-05-07--Department Of Justice Drops Lying Mike Flynn's Case

Donald J. Trump ’ s Department of Justice , under the supervision of Trump crony , Attorney General William Barr , has dropped charges against self-confessed perjurer , Michael T. Flynn , known as the originator of the , Lock her up , chant “ He was framed by the Obama administration to try and get to me , ” said Donald J. Trump .
Humm , is it really always all about trying to get at Donald J. , and does every Trump failure have to be blamed on Barack Obama ?
When will Trump man up ?
Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in a van outside of the White House , ready to line up on Pennsylvania Avenue , wearing short skirts , carrying pom-poms , and go into action , cheering , “ Two , four , six , eight , Trump admits he laid a freight.
” Reply : Well , the girls are about Trump ’ s age , so it is what it is .
It seems Michael T. Flynn , Trump ’ s former national security advisor , already pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI agents about having a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s okay to have a conversation with a Russian diplomat , but you ’ re not supposed to lie about it to the FBI .
And apparently , Trump ’ s first national security adviser , Michael T. Flynn , ( a smart guy , he ) failed to comprehend that it was not okay to lie to the FBI , and , in like Flynn , was arrested like fast .
“ Not yet .
It may be another year , or never.
” Looming over the Flynn case is Superior @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Justice can drop charges and file a Motion to Dismiss Flynn 's case , Judge Sullivan can deny that Motion .
And Judge Sullivan has a long memory .
So hold onto your pom-poms .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Donald J. Trump’s Department of Justice, under the supervision of Trump crony, Attorney General William Barr, has dropped charges against self-confessed perjurer, Michael T. Flynn, known as the originator of the, Lock her up, chant
“He was framed by the Obama administration to try and get to me,” said Donald J. Trump.
Humm, is it really always all about trying to get at Donald J., and does every Trump failure have to be blamed on Barack Obama? When will Trump man up?
Trump’s geriatric white-haired cheerleaders are waiting in a van outside of the White House, ready to line up on Pennsylvania Avenue, wearing short skirts, carrying pom-poms, and go into action, cheering, “Two, four, six, eight, Trump admits he laid a freight.”
Editor’s note: That sounds kind of lame.
Reply: Well, the girls are about Trump’s age, so it is what it is.
It seems Michael T. Flynn, Trump’s former national security advisor, already pleaded guilty to lying to the FBI agents about having a conversation with Russian diplomat Kislyak. It’s okay to have a conversation with a Russian diplomat, but you’re not supposed to lie about it to the FBI.
And apparently, Trump’s first national security adviser, Michael T. Flynn, (a smart guy, he) failed to comprehend that it was not okay to lie to the FBI, and, in like Flynn, was arrested like fast.
“Two, four, six…”
“Not yet. It may be another year, or never.”
Looming over the Flynn case is Superior Court Judge Sullivan. While The Department of Justice can drop charges and file a Motion to Dismiss Flynn's case, Judge Sullivan can deny that Motion. And Judge Sullivan has a long memory.
So hold onto your pom-poms.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-05-08--Ivanka Trump Denies That She Had Liposuction

WASHINGTON , D.C. – A White House insider , who is very close to the first daughter , has said that Ivanka is very upset and a bit on the depressed side .
It seems that a highly-respected District of Colombia liposuction physian , Dr. Ferris P. Dogwood , revealed to a reporter with The Boston Addresser-Chronicle that Miss Ivanka had gone in and had a liposuction procedure .
When asked to give the details , the doctor , at first , refused .
But , after being told that , if he did not give the details out , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in Doctorship Council , the good doctor relented .
Dr. Dogwood remarked that Ivanka had what is referred to in the medical world as a pubisintakosis upalipatitus .
When asked to explain what that meant , the doctor replied , “ Well , in more simple terms , Miss Kushner had minimal liposuction of the crotchahoohalina . ''
“ And just what the hell is that ?
” he was asked .
The Dr. giggled , and replied , “ Okay , in simpler , easier-to-understand , kindergarten school terms , the White @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kushner , had some fatty tissue removed from beneath her bikini line.
” “ Oh , if I had to make an educated guess , I would say about two sewing thimbles worth of pure fatingusboombiosis fat , which is the good fat . ''
“ Will she still be able to do the horizontal macarena ?
” a reporter asked .
The doctor raised his eyebrows , smiled like the schnauzer that ate the canary , and simply replied , “ Hell , yeah !
” Ivanka is emphatically denying that she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that it was really nothing more than what is commonly known as a small , third degree crotchatory rash .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House insider, who is very close to the first daughter, has said that Ivanka is very upset and a bit on the depressed side.
It seems that a highly-respected District of Colombia liposuction physian, Dr. Ferris P. Dogwood, revealed to a reporter with The Boston Addresser-Chronicle that Miss Ivanka had gone in and had a liposuction procedure.
When asked to give the details, the doctor, at first, refused.
But, after being told that, if he did not give the details out, he would be reported to the Truth in Doctorship Council, the good doctor relented.
Dr. Dogwood remarked that Ivanka had what is referred to in the medical world as a pubisintakosis upalipatitus.
When asked to explain what that meant, the doctor replied, “Well, in more simple terms, Miss Kushner had minimal liposuction of the crotchahoohalina."
“And just what the hell is that?” he was asked.
The Dr. giggled, and replied, “Okay, in simpler, easier-to-understand, kindergarten school terms, the White House Barbie, I mean Miss Ivanka Kushner, had some fatty tissue removed from beneath her bikini line.”
“Exactly how much?” a reporter asked.
“Oh, if I had to make an educated guess, I would say about two sewing thimbles worth of pure fatingusboombiosis fat, which is the good fat."
“Will she still be able to do the horizontal macarena?” a reporter asked.
The doctor raised his eyebrows, smiled like the schnauzer that ate the canary, and simply replied, “Hell, yeah!”
Ivanka is emphatically denying that she had the liposuction procedure done, and that it was really nothing more than what is commonly known as a small, third degree crotchatory rash.


thespoof--2020-05-08--A California Circuit Judge Shoots Down President Trump’s Coronavirus Miracle Disinfectant Cure

SAN FRANCISCO – California Circuit Judge Wing-Wing Bling has put a stop to the production of a product that President Trump said worked perfectly fabulous in dealing with COVID-19 .
The product , which is called C-19 Be-Gone-Bitch , is manufactured in the red state of Arizona .
Official company records show that President Trump owns 230,000 of the 240,000 corporate shares .
POTUS insists that the mean Democrats are falsely claiming that it is a conflict of interest .
The C-19 Be-Gone-Bitch disclaimer label clearly reads : This is basically a quasi-disinfectant and is not meant to be consumed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ form .
However , if you listen to ( a certain someone ) and choose to consume it , then you are on your own and don ’ t come crying to us .
The label goes on to read : Sorry , but we do not have a ‘ satisfaction guaranteed or your money back ’ policy ; we ’ re not Walmart , Lowes , Home Depot , or McDonalds .
C-19 Be-Gone-Bitch has just been banned in Norway , after it was discovered that millions of sardines were refusing to @ @

SAN FRANCISCO – California Circuit Judge Wing-Wing Bling has put a stop to the production of a product that President Trump said worked perfectly fabulous in dealing with COVID-19.
The product, which is called C-19 Be-Gone-Bitch, is manufactured in the red state of Arizona.
Official company records show that President Trump owns 230,000 of the 240,000 corporate shares.
POTUS insists that the mean Democrats are falsely claiming that it is a conflict of interest.
The C-19 Be-Gone-Bitch disclaimer label clearly reads: This is basically a quasi-disinfectant and is not meant to be consumed in any way, shape, or form. However, if you listen to (a certain someone) and choose to consume it, then you are on your own and don’t come crying to us.
The label goes on to read: Sorry, but we do not have a ‘satisfaction guaranteed or your money back’ policy; we’re not Walmart, Lowes, Home Depot, or McDonalds.
C-19 Be-Gone-Bitch has just been banned in Norway, after it was discovered that millions of sardines were refusing to mate.


thespoof--2020-05-08--The Entire Population of China is Furious at Tennessee Senator Marsha Blackburn

NEW YORK CITY – The Chinese ambassador is reporting that Sen. Marsha Blackburn has insulted and angered every man , woman , and child in the entire republic .
The dishwater blonde , Blackburn , who allegedly graduated towards the bottom of her class at Trump University , showed her somewhat bigoted colors as she made a highly insulting comment about the Chinese cuisine .
“ Marsha Marsha ” as Whoopi Goldberg calls her , stated that out of all the food in the world , the one food she hates the most is Chinese food .
The 67-year-old Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , said that she would rather eat a squirrel ’ s belly button than Peking Roasted Woodchuck , Stir-Fried Flamingo , or Sweet and Sour Hippo .
When one of Blackburn ’ s assistants informed her that everyone in China was hoping she would get molested by a rabid pack of rabbits , she asked , “ Well now sweetie , just how many Chinese people are there out yonder in China ?
She was told that , as of May 6 , at noon , the population of China was 1,438,479,926 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ in 1 billion , 438 million… ?
” Before she could finish saying the number , Blackburn fainted .
But luckily her big mouth broke her fall .
Doctor ’ s said that her mouth will heal in two weeks , but noted that her racism , sad to say , is most likely permanent .

NEW YORK CITY – The Chinese ambassador is reporting that Sen. Marsha Blackburn has insulted and angered every man, woman, and child in the entire republic.
The dishwater blonde, Blackburn, who allegedly graduated towards the bottom of her class at Trump University, showed her somewhat bigoted colors as she made a highly insulting comment about the Chinese cuisine.
“Marsha Marsha” as Whoopi Goldberg calls her, stated that out of all the food in the world, the one food she hates the most is Chinese food.
The 67-year-old Trump “AKer,” who looks 77, said that she would rather eat a squirrel’s belly button than Peking Roasted Woodchuck, Stir-Fried Flamingo, or Sweet and Sour Hippo.
When one of Blackburn’s assistants informed her that everyone in China was hoping she would get molested by a rabid pack of rabbits, she asked, “Well now sweetie, just how many Chinese people are there out yonder in China?
She was told that, as of May 6, at noon, the population of China was 1,438,479,926.
She asked, “You mean as in 1 billion, 438 million…?”
Before she could finish saying the number, Blackburn fainted. But luckily her big mouth broke her fall.
Doctor’s said that her mouth will heal in two weeks, but noted that her racism, sad to say, is most likely permanent.


thespoof--2020-05-09--Trump Supporter From The Start, Says He's Not So Sure Anymore

A man who says he has supported Donald Trump from the very beginning of his political career , during his election , through the highs , lows , trials , tribulations and impeachment , and even his calamitous handling of the Coronavirus crisis , is now admitting he 's not quite so certain about Trump 's presidential credentials anymore .
Red 'Neck ' Briggs , of Dallas , Texas , rode along on the crest of Trump 's wave , happily brushing aside his misogynistic attitude towards women , ignoring his ridiculous racist rants , turning a blind eye to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ partners and allies , and nodding along with millions of others as his 'leader ' repeatedly insisted upon erecting a border wall - to keep out 'undesireables ' .
The problem - as Briggs belatedly seems to have realized - was that the 'undesireables ' were already in the White House .
Trump 's recent comments about 'Coronavirus ' and 'disinfectant ' , however , have made Briggs think twice .
`` I knew that was baloney , because I tried that with my friends when I was a teenager .
It made @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a cough for weeks . ''
Briggs says that he 'll be listening more carefully to Trump 's words in the future , instead of just 'looking at the pictures ' , and blindly swallowing - for truth - everything that falls out of the President 's mouth .
`` President Trump has done a lot of good making America great again , but that 's not to say he 's perfect .
Nobody is perfect - not Donald Trump ! ''

A man who says he has supported Donald Trump from the very beginning of his political career, during his election, through the highs, lows, trials, tribulations and impeachment, and even his calamitous handling of the Coronavirus crisis, is now admitting he's not quite so certain about Trump's presidential credentials anymore.
Red 'Neck' Briggs, of Dallas, Texas, rode along on the crest of Trump's wave, happily brushing aside his misogynistic attitude towards women, ignoring his ridiculous racist rants, turning a blind eye to his outrageous attacks on America's erstwhile partners and allies, and nodding along with millions of others as his 'leader' repeatedly insisted upon erecting a border wall - to keep out 'undesireables'.
The problem - as Briggs belatedly seems to have realized - was that the 'undesireables' were already in the White House.
Trump's recent comments about 'Coronavirus' and 'disinfectant', however, have made Briggs think twice.
"I knew that was baloney, because I tried that with my friends when I was a teenager. It made my throat itchy, and I had a cough for weeks."
Briggs says that he'll be listening more carefully to Trump's words in the future, instead of just 'looking at the pictures', and blindly swallowing - for truth - everything that falls out of the President's mouth.
He said:


thespoof--2020-05-09--User-Friendly Buddhism a.k.a. “Bud-Light” Hits Home with Many

With many Americans eager for a source of refuge but a little over the `` God thing '' , an increasing number of people have been turning to a lighter , more user-friendly form of Buddhism , a.k.a .
Bud-light , which , like traditional Buddhist philosophy , mentions mindfulness , but isn ’ t overly adamant about it .
“ We ’ re certainly in favor of mindfulness in moderation , ” said Bud-light founder Marcus Orwellius .
“ But like anything else , it shouldn ’ t be taken to extremes.
” Other user-enhancing tweaks to the ancient @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Noble Truth of Buddhism from the concept that suffering exists to the Bud-light tenet that suffering exists for other people but it sucks that it ’ s happening to you .
The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism , that the cause of suffering is craving , has been very slightly edited to the Bud-light truth that the cause of suffering is unsatisfied craving .
“ And so on , ” said Orwellius .
“ The point is , we wanted to make it accessible to the average American .
The very average American.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ likewise toned down other standard Buddhist doctrines , like the practice of renunciation , to mean `` once in a while , on an as-needed basis , more or less . ''
“ We ’ re big fans of the term ‘ the middle path , ’ ” said Orwellius .
“ Boy , has that one come in handy .
Again , everything in moderation – everything.
” Similarly , Bud-light has altered the first precept of Buddhism , which instructs to refrain from taking the life of any sentient being , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ else does it , or you ’ re just not in an emotional space to be fucking spiritual right now.
” “ Pardon the language , ” said Orwellius .
“ We use profanity to make clear that Bud-light isn ’ t fancy or esoteric .
Anyone can do it.
” All told , while Bud-light does not promise enlightenment , cessation of suffering , or even consciousness , it does offer practitioners a means of occasionally checking in to the present moment – and it works , emphasized Orwellius .
“ Consciousness @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also a little overrated , ” he said .
“ Semi-consciousness is where it ’ s at .
”

With many Americans eager for a source of refuge but a little over the "God thing", an increasing number of people have been turning to a lighter, more user-friendly form of Buddhism, a.k.a. Bud-light, which, like traditional Buddhist philosophy, mentions mindfulness, but isn’t overly adamant about it.
“We’re certainly in favor of mindfulness in moderation,” said Bud-light founder Marcus Orwellius. “But like anything else, it shouldn’t be taken to extremes.”
Other user-enhancing tweaks to the ancient spiritual tradition include modification of the First Noble Truth of Buddhism from the concept that suffering exists to the Bud-light tenet that suffering exists for other people but it sucks that it’s happening to you. The Second Noble Truth of Buddhism, that the cause of suffering is craving, has been very slightly edited to the Bud-light truth that the cause of suffering is unsatisfied craving.
“And so on,” said Orwellius. “The point is, we wanted to make it accessible to the average American. The very average American.”
For that reason, Bud-light has likewise toned down other standard Buddhist doctrines, like the practice of renunciation, to mean "once in a while, on an as-needed basis, more or less." “We’re big fans of the term ‘the middle path,’” said Orwellius. “Boy, has that one come in handy. Again, everything in moderation – everything.”
Similarly, Bud-light has altered the first precept of Buddhism, which instructs to refrain from taking the life of any sentient being, by adding the clause “unless everyone else does it, or you’re just not in an emotional space to be fucking spiritual right now.”
“Pardon the language,” said Orwellius. “We use profanity to make clear that Bud-light isn’t fancy or esoteric. Anyone can do it.”
All told, while Bud-light does not promise enlightenment, cessation of suffering, or even consciousness, it does offer practitioners a means of occasionally checking in to the present moment – and it works, emphasized Orwellius. “Consciousness is not only tough to achieve but also a little overrated,” he said. “Semi-consciousness is where it’s at.”


thespoof--2020-05-09--President Trump is Getting Ready to Blame the Upcoming Hurricane Season on President Obama

MAR-A-LAGO , Florida – A close friend of an employee of Trump ’ s Dixie White House , said that @ @ @ @ @ obsessed with blaming everything he can on former president , Barack Obama .
Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ keeps him up half the night , thinking up new things to blame on the @ @ @ @ @ in typical deflector-in-chief style , the president will soon be blaming the upcoming hurricane season @ @ @ @ @ allegedly got the idea from son , Donald Jr ’ s. , buxom girlfriend , @ @ @ @ @ Guilfoyle .
Kimmy told him that if he blames every hurricane on the former president @ @ @ @ @ all the astoundingly out-of-control stuff he pulls every 3.1 hours .
The president was apparently @ @ @ @ @ ’ s idea that he wrote her a check for $ 2,000 , out of @ @ @ @ @

MAR-A-LAGO, Florida – A close friend of an employee of Trump’s Dixie White House, said that the president has become totally obsessed with blaming everything he can on former president, Barack Obama.
Trump’s latest deflecting strategy reportedly keeps him up half the night, thinking up new things to blame on the easy-going Obama.
And, in typical deflector-in-chief style, the president will soon be blaming the upcoming hurricane season on ex-President Obama.
Trump allegedly got the idea from son, Donald Jr’s., buxom girlfriend, Kimberly “The Legs” Guilfoyle.
Kimmy told him that if he blames every hurricane on the former president, people will forget about all the astoundingly out-of-control stuff he pulls every 3.1 hours.
The president was apparently so thrilled with Miss Kim’s idea that he wrote her a check for $2,000, out of the Food Stamp Department.


thespoof--2020-05-09--A White House Insider Says All the Words That Come Out of Trump’s Mouth Are Written by Sean Hannity

WASHINGTON D.C. - It is really no secret that the president and Fox News talking head , Sean “ The Hair ” Hannity , talk on the phone every night for at least 45 minutes .
And , in that time , Hannity provides his BFF with words , phrases , and sayings to use the next day .
In fact , Sean is the one who first thought up the phrases `` the fake news '' , `` the lame stream media '' , `` it ’ s all a hoax '' , `` there was no collusion '' @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a simple guy who loves eating Big Macs and who has never , ever grabbed any woman by her beav*r '' .
When a reporter with the Vox Populi News Agency asked Trump about the insider 's claim , POTUS turned as red as a California strawberry .
DJT , remarked that he is so perfectly smart , that he does not need a Fox News flunkey giving him any kind of advice , words , phrases or phone numbers of hot cuties .
The White House insider commented that the president was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up Hannity , and told him that , if he ever throws him under the bus again , he will ship his arrogant ass back to Egypt .

WASHINGTON D.C. - It is really no secret that the president and Fox News talking head, Sean “The Hair” Hannity, talk on the phone every night for at least 45 minutes.
And, in that time, Hannity provides his BFF with words, phrases, and sayings to use the next day.
In fact, Sean is the one who first thought up the phrases "the fake news", "the lame stream media", "it’s all a hoax", "there was no collusion", and "I’m just a simple guy who loves eating Big Macs and who has never, ever grabbed any woman by her beav*r".
When a reporter with the Vox Populi News Agency asked Trump about the insider's claim, POTUS turned as red as a California strawberry.
DJT, remarked that he is so perfectly smart, that he does not need a Fox News flunkey giving him any kind of advice, words, phrases or phone numbers of hot cuties.
The White House insider commented that the president was so mad, that he allegedly called up Hannity, and told him that, if he ever throws him under the bus again, he will ship his arrogant ass back to Egypt.


thespoof--2020-05-09--President Donald Trump’s Doctor Says He is Being Treated For An Enlarged Ego

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The president ’ s personal physician , Dr. Yang Fu Fi , informed the news media that President Trump will have to undergo a non-life-threatening procedure .
Dr. Fu Fi said that , during a routine screening to check for any new bone spurs , he found that POTUS has an extremely enlarged ego .
He noted that X-rays clearly show that the ego is the size of a Pecos cantaloupe .
When asked if it is treatable , the doctor said that it was , but pointed out that the president has to find a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ why , Dr. Fu Fi remarked that lying will cause the enlarged ego to eventually become inflamed , and then the president may end up having to have emergency surgery to remove it .
Dr. Fu Fi then pointed out that it can be a very tricky procedure .
He explained that the enlarged ego is situated next to the president ’ s duodenum , and that would require the doctor to go in through the anal cavity , which could cause bone spurs , seed warts , or even the dreaded rectinioopsis @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The president’s personal physician, Dr. Yang Fu Fi, informed the news media that President Trump will have to undergo a non-life-threatening procedure.
Dr. Fu Fi said that, during a routine screening to check for any new bone spurs, he found that POTUS has an extremely enlarged ego.
He noted that X-rays clearly show that the ego is the size of a Pecos cantaloupe.
When asked if it is treatable, the doctor said that it was, but pointed out that the president has to find a way to stop lying.
When asked why, Dr. Fu Fi remarked that lying will cause the enlarged ego to eventually become inflamed, and then the president may end up having to have emergency surgery to remove it.
Dr. Fu Fi then pointed out that it can be a very tricky procedure.
He explained that the enlarged ego is situated next to the president’s duodenum, and that would require the doctor to go in through the anal cavity, which could cause bone spurs, seed warts, or even the dreaded rectinioopsis.


thespoof--2020-05-10--Elmer Smuckmeister Strikes Again

Elmer Smuckmeister Strikes Again

BILLINGSGATE POST : Elmer Smuckmeister was not your typical 80-year-old geezer .
He was born at night , but not last night .
Over the years , he hadn ’ t had much luck in his love life .
There wasn ’ t much to choose from in his hometown of Beaver Crossing , Nebraska .
And most of the local debutantes had left for greener pastures .
He had a plan though .
Going on one of those dating sites , he advertised himself as a country gentleman of means .
His banker friend , who had been divorced @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for every million dollars you had , you could buy down about 10 years .
So Elmer thought he would go for broke .
He walked into a jewelry store on that Friday evening with a beautiful , much younger gal at his side .
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend .
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $ 15,000 ring .
Elmer said ; “ No , I 'd like to see something more special .
Price is immaterial.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to his special stock and brought another ring out .
“ Here 's a stunning ring at only $ 140,000 , ” the jeweler said .
“ It ’ s the famous Azure Blue which once belonged to the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.
” The young lady 's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement .
Seeing this , the old man said , ' ” We 'll take it.
” The jeweler asked how payment would be made .
In his best British accent , he answered : “ By check @ @ @ @ @ @ @ need to make sure my check is good .
So I 'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds ; I 'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.
” On Monday morning , the jeweler angrily phoned Elmer and said , “ Sir ...
There 's no money in that account !
’ '' I know , ” said Elmer .
“ But let me tell you about my weekend.
” Slim : “ Who says you can ’ t teach an old dog new tricks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I left my ring in the bathtub .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Elmer Smuckmeister was not your typical 80-year-old geezer. He was born at night, but not last night. Over the years, he hadn’t had much luck in his love life. There wasn’t much to choose from in his hometown of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska. And most of the local debutantes had left for greener pastures.
He had a plan though. Going on one of those dating sites, he advertised himself as a country gentleman of means. His banker friend, who had been divorced three times, told him that, for every million dollars you had, you could buy down about 10 years. So Elmer thought he would go for broke.
He walked into a jewelry store on that Friday evening with a beautiful, much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
Elmer said; “No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring out.
“Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000,” the jeweler said. “It’s the famous Azure Blue which once belonged to the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.”
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, '”We'll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made.
In his best British accent, he answered: “By check, old man. I know you need to make sure my check is good. So I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.”
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned Elmer and said, “Sir...There's no money in that account!’
''I know,” said Elmer. “But let me tell you about my weekend.”
Slim: “Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks?”
Dirty: “Yo Dude. I left my ring in the bathtub.”


thespoof--2020-05-10--White House Runs Out Of Toilet Paper

White House Runs Out Of Toilet Paper

President Donald Trump declared a national emergency when he found out the White House had run completely out of toilet paper .
He made the discovery when he was on the crapper performing a bowel movement .
He ended up using the shower curtain to wipe himself .
Trump then issued an executive order activating the National Guard to search stores for toilet paper throughout the US .
Unfortunately for the President , the guard came up empty after visiting every store in the 48 contiguous states .
He asked why they did not search stores in Alaska or Hawaii @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Alaska , all of the paper is frozen solid because of the cold , and in Hawaii it is all soggy from being in the rain.
” Trump then created a tissue task force to make recommendations as to how he could acquire toilet paper .
After several hours , the task force came back with the solution of invading American Samoa .
Trump quickly summoned the head of the CIA , Donny Bug , to perform a covert mission to invade American Samoa .
Bug employed the members of Seal Team 6 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , American Samoa had planted a mole in the CIA who forewarned them of the incoming invasion , giving the territory time to hide all of the toilet paper , tissues , paper towels and wipes in a secret underground cache .
Dumbfounded at not finding any toilet paper , Seal Team 6 gathered up a bunch of coconut leaves and brought them back to Trump , and told him that they were what the Samoans used to wipe themselves .
As of press time , President Trump was met with a large @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coconut leaf .

President Donald Trump declared a national emergency when he found out the White House had run completely out of toilet paper. He made the discovery when he was on the crapper performing a bowel movement. He ended up using the shower curtain to wipe himself.
Trump then issued an executive order activating the National Guard to search stores for toilet paper throughout the US. Unfortunately for the President, the guard came up empty after visiting every store in the 48 contiguous states. He asked why they did not search stores in Alaska or Hawaii. The guard responded: “In Alaska, all of the paper is frozen solid because of the cold, and in Hawaii it is all soggy from being in the rain.”
Trump then created a tissue task force to make recommendations as to how he could acquire toilet paper. After several hours, the task force came back with the solution of invading American Samoa.
Trump quickly summoned the head of the CIA, Donny Bug, to perform a covert mission to invade American Samoa. Bug employed the members of Seal Team 6 to carry out the mission.
Unfortunately, American Samoa had planted a mole in the CIA who forewarned them of the incoming invasion, giving the territory time to hide all of the toilet paper, tissues, paper towels and wipes in a secret underground cache.
Dumbfounded at not finding any toilet paper, Seal Team 6 gathered up a bunch of coconut leaves and brought them back to Trump, and told him that they were what the Samoans used to wipe themselves.
As of press time, President Trump was met with a large coconut, while wiping himself with a coconut leaf.


thespoof--2020-05-09--Obama Calls Trump’s Coronavirus Response A Chaotic Disaster

Former President Barack Obama just called Donald Trump ’ s response to the coronavirus , a “ chaotic disaster.
” So what took him so long ?
Even the birds singing in the trees were saying the same thing back in January .
Sure , it was early in this pandemic , but the birds knew .
Obama was like a negligent father who left the country with a lousy babysitter in charge , and look what followed .
Chaos .
Michelle Obama would never have left this country in the care of that funny-looking guy .
One look at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , `` Not with my children ! ''
But Barack Obama took off and went kite-surfing with Richard Branson , a sport Donald Trump would never attempt .
( Bone spurs , don ’ t you know ? )
So the nation is in the middle of a pandemic .
A pandemic is n't like a hangnail or a stubbed toe , but it is a killer !
Anyone can catch it , and it 's a harrowing experience to survive .
Just ask Boris Johnson or Chris Cuomo .
This time , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can do is waste money building a half-finished useless wall , and guess what ?
Millions spent on his wall , and this virus can just fly through , over and under it , but there isn ’ t any money for test kits , masks , or personal protection equipment .
The world is in a pandemic , and regardless of what the new acting President of the United States , Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York , says about the coronavirus line going up , plateauing , and at last , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ New York tough New Yorkers , '' the rest of the United States is stuck not just with an active virus , but also with an incompetent Donald Trump , that former President Barack Obama just tagged responsible for this chaotic disaster .
Thank you for your sentiments , President Obama , but we already knew that .
Big hint ?
“ Only twelve people have died .
The virus will go away with warmer weather . ''
Described with a hand wave going up and down .
Read more by this author @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Former President Barack Obama just called Donald Trump’s response to the coronavirus, a “chaotic disaster.” So what took him so long? Even the birds singing in the trees were saying the same thing back in January. Sure, it was early in this pandemic, but the birds knew.
Obama was like a negligent father who left the country with a lousy babysitter in charge, and look what followed. Chaos. Michelle Obama would never have left this country in the care of that funny-looking guy. One look at him, and she would have said, "Not with my children!"
But Barack Obama took off and went kite-surfing with Richard Branson, a sport Donald Trump would never attempt. (Bone spurs, don’t you know?)
So the nation is in the middle of a pandemic. A pandemic isn't like a hangnail or a stubbed toe, but it is a killer! Anyone can catch it, and it's a harrowing experience to survive. Just ask Boris Johnson or Chris Cuomo.
This time, the sky is falling.
All Trump can do is waste money building a half-finished useless wall, and guess what? Millions spent on his wall, and this virus can just fly through, over and under it, but there isn’t any money for test kits, masks, or personal protection equipment.
The world is in a pandemic, and regardless of what the new acting President of the United States, Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York, says about the coronavirus line going up, plateauing, and at last, going down.
"Pulled down by New York tough New Yorkers," the rest of the United States is stuck not just with an active virus, but also with an incompetent Donald Trump, that former President Barack Obama just tagged responsible for this chaotic disaster.
Thank you for your sentiments, President Obama, but we already knew that.
Big hint? “Only twelve people have died. The virus will go away with warmer weather." Described with a hand wave going up and down.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-05-10--Non-Binary Kitten Pushing Boundaries in ‘Bama

A six-week-old kitten is pushing gender boundaries in conservative Huntsville , Alabama , maintaining the name given her shortly after birth , before her sex had been determined , even after it was revealed that `` Johnny ” – named for recently deceased legendary folk singer John Prine – is biologically a female .
“ She makes no apologies for who she is , which is so refreshing , ” said Johnny ’ s human companion , Terri Barr , explaining that despite Johnny 's attachment to her “ male ” name , she seems to prefer gender pronouns she/her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is drawn out as “ shhheeee '' ) .
“ I hope that never changes.
” Johnny ’ s unabashed challenge to traditional gender norms has evoked some pushback in Huntsville .
“ A girl pussy named Johnny – sorta the opposite of a boy named Sue , '' said self-described ornery old-timer 78-year-old Calvin Hicks , referring to the 1969 song written by Shel Silverstein and made famous by Johnny Cash .
“ Nothin ’ against the cat , per se .
It ’ s just peculiar.
” According to Terri , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but merely acceptance - an acceptance which she gladly offers in return .
“ Never once has she tried to pigeonhole me into a sex or gender role .
Honestly , there 's probably a whole lot I could learn from her , '' said Terri , cradling the purring kitten in her arms .
She chuckled .
“ In other words , she ’ s smarter than me , more politically correct than me , and , obviously , way cuter than me .
She ’ s lucky I can even @ @ @ @ @ @ @

A six-week-old kitten is pushing gender boundaries in conservative Huntsville, Alabama, maintaining the name given her shortly after birth, before her sex had been determined, even after it was revealed that "Johnny” – named for recently deceased legendary folk singer John Prine – is biologically a female.
“She makes no apologies for who she is, which is so refreshing,” said Johnny’s human companion, Terri Barr, explaining that despite Johnny's attachment to her “male” name, she seems to prefer gender pronouns she/her (especially when the “she” is drawn out as “shhheeee"). “I hope that never changes.”
Johnny’s unabashed challenge to traditional gender norms has evoked some pushback in Huntsville. “A girl pussy named Johnny – sorta the opposite of a boy named Sue," said self-described ornery old-timer 78-year-old Calvin Hicks, referring to the 1969 song written by Shel Silverstein and made famous by Johnny Cash. “Nothin’ against the cat, per se. It’s just peculiar.”
According to Terri, however, feline Johnny seeks not understanding, but merely acceptance - an acceptance which she gladly offers in return. “Never once has she tried to pigeonhole me into a sex or gender role. Honestly, there's probably a whole lot I could learn from her," said Terri, cradling the purring kitten in her arms. She chuckled. “In other words, she’s smarter than me, more politically correct than me, and, obviously, way cuter than me. She’s lucky I can even stand to be around her.”
“Meow,” said Johnny.


thespoof--2020-05-10--The Pied Piper of The Potomac Disbands The Coronavirus Task Force, Then Unbands It, Then Disbands It

The Pied Piper of The Potomac Disbands The Coronavirus Task Force, Then Unbands It, Then Disbands It Yet Again

WASHINGTON , D.C. – POTUS really had the White House news media jumping as he showed them an exercise in Ficklism 101 .
`` The Pied Piper of The Potomac '' said emphatically that the Coronavirus Task Force was over , and that it had left the building , just like Elvis did 19 or 42 years ago .
A few minutes later , after consulting with three of his top advisers , Kellyanne Conway , Kayleigh McEnany , and Kitty Aladdin , he unbanded it .
Then after eating two Big Macs and a family order of fries ( @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first daughter ( Ivanka ) that he was going to be disbanding it again , in order to practice his presidential skills .
At that point , Ivanka allegedly hollered out , “ Look , daddykins , why are you being so damn fickle ?
Please excuse my Hungarian , but why don ’ t you just do something , and stick to it , come hell or Perrier water ? ''
The president looked at his favorite child , and suddenly blurted out those infamous words ... '' You 're fired !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump said , `` Hey , I 'm just kidding , baby girl .
Nancy Pelosi will be president before I would ever fire you , sweet cakes . ''
IN CLOSING : Well , with Trump 's assistants now catching C-19 , and Vice-President Pence 's staff members now catching C-19 , the possibility of maybe having President Pelosi is not all that improbable .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – POTUS really had the White House news media jumping as he showed them an exercise in Ficklism 101.
"The Pied Piper of The Potomac" said emphatically that the Coronavirus Task Force was over, and that it had left the building, just like Elvis did 19 or 42 years ago.
A few minutes later, after consulting with three of his top advisers, Kellyanne Conway, Kayleigh McEnany, and Kitty Aladdin, he unbanded it.
Then after eating two Big Macs and a family order of fries (by himself), he told the first daughter (Ivanka) that he was going to be disbanding it again, in order to practice his presidential skills.
At that point, Ivanka allegedly hollered out, “Look, daddykins, why are you being so damn fickle? Please excuse my Hungarian, but why don’t you just do something, and stick to it, come hell or Perrier water?"
The president looked at his favorite child, and suddenly blurted out those infamous words..."You're fired!"
Ivanka started to cry, and Trump said, "Hey, I'm just kidding, baby girl. Nancy Pelosi will be president before I would ever fire you, sweet cakes."
IN CLOSING: Well, with Trump's assistants now catching C-19, and Vice-President Pence's staff members now catching C-19, the possibility of maybe having President Pelosi is not all that improbable.


thespoof--2020-05-10--President Trump’s Favorite Publication, The National Enquirer, is in a Financial Mess and Asks the P

President Trump’s Favorite Publication, The National Enquirer, is in a Financial Mess and Asks the President for a Bailout

LANTANA , Florida – The Chief Executive Editor of the infamous supermarket tabloid , the National Enquirer is pleading with his BFF , the president , to provide him with a government bailout .
David Pecker , 68 , is asking the commander-in-chief for $ 38 million .
He has reportedly called Trump over 215 times , just in the last week alone .
Pecker says that each time he calls POTUS , he gets a recording that says , “ President Trump is very busy out on the golf course .
So don ’ t even bother leaving a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ golfing , he will start tweeting non-stop for at least 90 minutes .
Make America Golf Again.
” Pecker is best noted for helping the Trumpster hide at least 93 alleged affairs , including those with Stormy Daniels , Karen McDougal , Kimbeena Shamtuma , Ling-a-Ling Chow , and Rosie O ’ Donnell .
In fact , Pecker and Smecker , go all the way back to Trump University , where Pecker was a cheerleader , and Smecker was the school ’ s treasurer .
The first lady , Melania , says that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ touching himself , and plus he smells like a cheap whore .

LANTANA, Florida – The Chief Executive Editor of the infamous supermarket tabloid, the National Enquirer is pleading with his BFF, the president, to provide him with a government bailout.
David Pecker, 68, is asking the commander-in-chief for $38 million. He has reportedly called Trump over 215 times, just in the last week alone.
Pecker says that each time he calls POTUS, he gets a recording that says, “President Trump is very busy out on the golf course. So don’t even bother leaving a message, because when he gets through golfing, he will start tweeting non-stop for at least 90 minutes. Make America Golf Again.”
Pecker is best noted for helping the Trumpster hide at least 93 alleged affairs, including those with Stormy Daniels, Karen McDougal, Kimbeena Shamtuma, Ling-a-Ling Chow, and Rosie O’Donnell.
In fact, Pecker and Smecker, go all the way back to Trump University, where Pecker was a cheerleader, and Smecker was the school’s treasurer.
The first lady, Melania, says that she hates Pecker because he is always touching himself, and plus he smells like a cheap whore.


thespoof--2020-05-10--President Obama Finally Criticizes President Trump and It Ain’t Pretty

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Obama says that he has been very patient when it comes to the Ringling Brothers , Barnum & Bailey clown that resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue .
The two-term president , that polls show , has surpassed the Beatles , Elvis Presley , texting , and even Beyonce in popularity , says that he can not hold back any longer .
He pointed out that to begin with , Trumpy is a false president since Hillary Clinton received 3 million more votes than the `` Cheater Tweeter . ''
He noted that just because “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t a racist does not make it so .
Obama commented , “ I mean , hell you can put an Easter bonnet on a friggin ' rattlesnake , and the rattlesnake is still a friggin ' rattlesnake.
” The former president then said that Trump claims that he has poked more women than all of the sailors on board the American aircraft carrier The USS Johnny Appleseed .
He then remarked that about eight months ago , Stormy Daniels sent him a photo that she had taken of `` Spanky 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ binky .
Stormy wrote that the binky looked like something that you ’ d see below the belly button on a hamster .
When President Trump heard about President Obama ’ s comments he immediately began tweeting non-stop .
He started off with “ Obama was born in Kenya , I have a charcoal drawing of his his graduation photo , that was drawn while he was attending Tarzan & Jane High School back in Elm City , Kenya . ''
Trump said that Barack left a mess in the White House kitchen @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the initials B+M on one of the plywood chairs in the Benedict Arnold Commemorative Bedroom .
POTUS had to stop tweeting , because he had to take a call from the assistant vice-grand dragon wizard with the Georgia Chapter of the Order of the Exalted Knights of the Entitled Magnolias .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Obama says that he has been very patient when it comes to the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey clown that resides at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
The two-term president, that polls show, has surpassed the Beatles, Elvis Presley, texting, and even Beyonce in popularity, says that he cannot hold back any longer.
He pointed out that to begin with, Trumpy is a false president since Hillary Clinton received 3 million more votes than the "Cheater Tweeter."
He noted that just because “Cheeto Fingers” swears that he isn’t a racist does not make it so.
Obama commented, “I mean, hell you can put an Easter bonnet on a friggin' rattlesnake, and the rattlesnake is still a friggin' rattlesnake.”
The former president then said that Trump claims that he has poked more women than all of the sailors on board the American aircraft carrier The USS Johnny Appleseed.
He then remarked that about eight months ago, Stormy Daniels sent him a photo that she had taken of "Spanky's" tiny, itty, bitty, binky.
Stormy wrote that the binky looked like something that you’d see below the belly button on a hamster.
When President Trump heard about President Obama’s comments he immediately began tweeting non-stop.
He started off with “Obama was born in Kenya, I have a charcoal drawing of his his graduation photo, that was drawn while he was attending Tarzan & Jane High School back in Elm City, Kenya."
Trump said that Barack left a mess in the White House kitchen.
He also stated Obama had carved the initials B+M on one of the plywood chairs in the Benedict Arnold Commemorative Bedroom.
POTUS had to stop tweeting, because he had to take a call from the assistant vice-grand dragon wizard with the Georgia Chapter of the Order of the Exalted Knights of the Entitled Magnolias.


thespoof--2020-05-10--Dr. Anthony Fauci, One of President Trump’s Closest Staff Members, Must Now Self-Quarantine for 14 D

Dr. Anthony Fauci, One of President Trump’s Closest Staff Members, Must Now Self-Quarantine for 14 Days

WASHINGTON , D.C. – In a shocking development , President Trump has just learned that one of his press conference/campaign pep rally co-hosts , has just gone into quarantine for the Coronavirus .
Dr. Anthony `` The Straight Shooter '' Fauci , the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases , accidentally took a sip from Trump ’ s Kool-Aid cup and started coughing , sneezing , and doing the hokey pokey .
Trump immediately asked him what the hell he was doing .
The good doctor replied , “ Why , I ’ m doing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ texting twit.
” Trump reached over to slap him , but was stopped by press secretary and woman whose voice is way too high , Kayleigh McEnany .
McEnany , who some say is a cross between a blonde Dora the Explorer and a Cabbage Patch Doll , quickly jumped between the two , and ended up getting her false eyelashes knocked completely off her munchkin face .
She was asked by a reporter for the Venezuelan News Agency why she , President Trump , and Vice-President Pence were not wearing medical masks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Dr. Fauci .
The Kewpie doll replied , that she personally takes 47 different types of anti-flu pills daily .
She said that Vice-President Pence hasn ’ t had a cold , the flu , the mumps , or an STD in over 30 years .
And as for POTUS , she simply said , “ Look , the president is protected in that he is wearing a pair of his wife Melania ’ s full-body sheer stockings . ''
Kayleigh then turned a bit pink and added , “ Plus , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is also wearing a condom .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a shocking development, President Trump has just learned that one of his press conference/campaign pep rally co-hosts, has just gone into quarantine for the Coronavirus.
Dr. Anthony "The Straight Shooter" Fauci, the director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, accidentally took a sip from Trump’s Kool-Aid cup and started coughing, sneezing, and doing the hokey pokey.
Trump immediately asked him what the hell he was doing. The good doctor replied, “Why, I’m doing the hokey pokey, you orange-colored hate-filled, texting twit.”
Trump reached over to slap him, but was stopped by press secretary and woman whose voice is way too high, Kayleigh McEnany.
McEnany, who some say is a cross between a blonde Dora the Explorer and a Cabbage Patch Doll, quickly jumped between the two, and ended up getting her false eyelashes knocked completely off her munchkin face.
She was asked by a reporter for the Venezuelan News Agency why she, President Trump, and Vice-President Pence were not wearing medical masks, since they all stand extremely close to Dr. Fauci.
The Kewpie doll replied, that she personally takes 47 different types of anti-flu pills daily.
She said that Vice-President Pence hasn’t had a cold, the flu, the mumps, or an STD in over 30 years.
And as for POTUS, she simply said, “Look, the president is protected in that he is wearing a pair of his wife Melania’s full-body sheer stockings."
Kayleigh then turned a bit pink and added, “Plus, it's my understanding that our president is also wearing a condom.”


thespoof--2020-05-11--CDC Explains that Flattened Curve Has Become Line Extending into Infinity Meaning Lockdown Can Never

CDC Explains that Flattened Curve Has Become Line Extending into Infinity Meaning Lockdown Can Never End

After consultation with mathematical experts , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention determined that the successful “ flattening of the curve ” of coronavirus infections has resulted in a line extending into infinity , meaning that the COVID-19 lockdown can never end .
“ What can I say ?
” said CDC Director Robert Redfield .
“ We ’ re doctors , not mathematicians .
There ’ s no way we could have foreseen how this flattened curve thing would play out.
” Acknowledging that the infinite extension of the lockdown might come as disappointing news to some , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ promised that its “ flattening the curve ” strategy would diminish the total number of coronavirus infections or deaths ; its aim was merely to stretch out the time frame in which those infections occurred , so as to avoid overwhelming the healthcare system .
“ And it really worked , ” said Redfield .
“ Our hospitals are half-empty .
Nurses and medics around the country are furloughed.
” Another strategy that proved highly effective , said Redfield , was the CDC 's urgent admonition that no one , under any circumstances @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We ’ ve seen fantastic follow-through there , ” he said .
“ The skyrocketing rates of depression , suicide , overdoses , and despair in senior care facilities tell us that we ’ ve done a great job of keeping the old folks safe from human contact.
” All told , notwithstanding the infinite extension of the lockdown , Redfield stated that the CDC considers its unprecedented quarantining of millions of healthy people a great success .
“ We really want to commend all of the Americans who unquestioningly and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at our merest say-so - and who continue to do so , ” he said .
“ People have been such good sports about all of this.
” And due to the revelation about the flattened curve , that “ good sportiness ” will need to continue for just a little longer , said Redfield - like indefinitely .
“ Hang in there , everyone , '' he urged .
`` We ’ re all in this together .
”

Based on consultations with mathematical experts, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention has determined that the successful “flattening of the curve” of coronavirus infections has resulted in a line extending into infinity, meaning that the COVID-19 lockdown can never end.
“What can I say?” said CDC Director Robert Redfield. “We’re doctors, not mathematicians. There’s no way we could have foreseen how this flattened curve thing would play out.”
Acknowledging that the infinite extension of the lockdown might come as disappointing news to some, Redfield noted that the CDC had never promised that its “flattening the curve” strategy would diminish the total number of coronavirus infections or deaths; its aim was merely to stretch out the time frame in which those infections occurred, so as to avoid overwhelming the healthcare system.
“And it really worked,” said Redfield. “Our hospitals are half-empty. Nurses and medics around the country are furloughed.”
Another strategy that proved highly effective, said Redfield, was the CDC's urgent admonition that no one, under any circumstances, visit elderly persons in nursing homes. “We’ve seen fantastic follow-through there,” he said. “The skyrocketing rates of depression, suicide, overdoses, and despair in senior care facilities tell us that we’ve done a great job of keeping the old folks safe from human contact.”
All told, notwithstanding the infinite extension of the lockdown, Redfield stated that the CDC considers its unprecedented quarantining of millions of healthy people a great success. “We really want to commend all of the Americans who unquestioningly and without complaint relinquished their most fundamental freedoms at our merest say-so - and who continue to do so,” he said. “People have been such good sports about all of this.”
And due to the revelation about the flattened curve, that “good sportiness” will need to continue for just a little longer, said Redfield - like indefinitely. “Hang in there, everyone," he urged. "We’re all in this together.”


thespoof--2020-05-11--Harry Maguire To Meet Elmer Smuckmeister In Cow Pie Throwing Contest

BILLINGSGATE POST : In a special to be aired on prime time TV next Sunday , Elmer Smuckmeister will go up against Manchester United football icon , Harry Maguire , in a cow pie throwing contest .
With the Coronavirus pandemic virtually shutting down all forms of sports competition , and ESPN trying desperately to fill their schedule , it was only natural that they would reach out to the United footballer , Maguire , to go up against 80-year-old Smuckmeister in this eclectic contest , which is staged annually in Beaver Crossing , Nebraska , where cows outnumber humans @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bored stiff and looking for an event that would allow for competition and still observe social distancing , has been cross training for the last two months , after being challenged by World Cow Pie Throwing Champion , Smuckmeister .
Every year in Beaver Crossing , Nebraska , the Official World Championship Cow Chip Throwing Contest determines just who can chuck a dried cow turd the furthest .
And they ’ ll tell you , if it ’ s your first time , that licking your fingers between throws - you only get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ luck and a better grip .
A warning to Harry Maguire : Novice throwers generally go with the ” bigger is better rule , ” selecting the largest chips they can find .
Veterans , though , look for ones smaller in diameter but with some heft to them , and as perfectly round as possible .
The veteran throwers are also better about keeping their mouths closed as the wind whips through the crowd and debris flecked from the chips goes flying every which where .

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a special to be aired on prime time TV next Sunday, Elmer Smuckmeister will go up against Manchester United football icon, Harry Maguire, in a cow pie throwing contest.
With the Coronavirus pandemic virtually shutting down all forms of sports competition, and ESPN trying desperately to fill their schedule, it was only natural that they would reach out to the United footballer, Maguire, to go up against 80-year-old Smuckmeister in this eclectic contest, which is staged annually in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, where cows outnumber humans by 12 to 1.
Maguire, bored stiff and looking for an event that would allow for competition and still observe social distancing, has been cross training for the last two months, after being challenged by World Cow Pie Throwing Champion, Smuckmeister.
Every year in Beaver Crossing, Nebraska, the Official World Championship Cow Chip Throwing Contest determines just who can chuck a dried cow turd the furthest. And they’ll tell you, if it’s your first time, that licking your fingers between throws - you only get two chances - will give you good luck and a better grip.
A warning to Harry Maguire: Novice throwers generally go with the ”bigger is better rule,” selecting the largest chips they can find. Veterans, though, look for ones smaller in diameter but with some heft to them, and as perfectly round as possible. The veteran throwers are also better about keeping their mouths closed as the wind whips through the crowd and debris flecked from the chips goes flying every which where.
Slim: “Sure beats watching reruns of the 2018 World Cup.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Let’s watch cow pies fly.”


thespoof--2020-05-11--Trump Could Have Saved Valet, Secretary From Virus

AP -- Sporting his trademark red 2020 campaign hat with the slogan “ Keep America Great , ” yesterday the @ @ @ @ @ off the actual medical professionals standing next to him .
Later , concerning medicine , @ @ @ @ @ .
I really get it , ” Trump boasted to reporters during a tour of @ @ @ @ @ and Prevention in Atlanta .
Then he tweeted that it would no longer be necessary @ @ @ @ @ and Deborah Brix to appear with him at press briefings .
“ Why do I @ @ @ @ @ doctors ?
“ My intuition is better than their scientific knowledge .
Well , now @ @ @ @ @ Pence ’ s press secretary have tested positive for the coronavirus .
I told my @ @ @ @ @ inject Clorox laced with brass cleaner , but they wouldn ’ t listen .
So @ @ @

AP-- Sporting his trademark red 2020 campaign hat with the slogan “Keep America Great,” yesterday the president repeatedly second-guessed and waved off the actual medical professionals standing next to him.
Later, concerning medicine, “I like this stuff. I really get it,” Trump boasted to reporters during a tour of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.
Then he tweeted that it would no longer be necessary for medical doctors Anthony Fauci and Deborah Brix to appear with him at press briefings. “Why do I need them or any other doctors?
“My intuition is better than their scientific knowledge. Well, now, my valet and Mike Pence’s press secretary have tested positive for the coronavirus. I told my and Pence's people to inject Clorox laced with brass cleaner, but they wouldn’t listen. So sad.”


thespoof--2020-05-11--Does Donald Trump Have A Fever Or Is He Wearing A Redder Shade Of Makeup?

White House gardeners are talking about Donald Trump 's red face .
His face is getting even redder , more so than usual .
The sanitation workers trucking out the White House garbage agreed .
Everyone else seems to be oblivious of this sudden red change .
Jared Kushner looks to be his same waxy pale self , and since he works so closely with Trump on everything , he would be the first to catch anything .
His coloring would immediately change from death pale to living human color .
Switching from death pale to living color would raise @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mr. Kushner a living thermometer for Donald Trump ’ s health condition .
The fake news would speculate , “ Kushner must have gotten something from red-faced Donald Trump .
And red-faced Donald Trump must have gotten the god forbid , coronavirus .
Do you think ?
” A White House electrician came up with the answer .
“ Nah .
Trump fell asleep in his tanning bed .
Does that all the time .
Eats , tans , falls asleep .
We added a siren to go off and wake him up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ next time he goes to the tanning bed for a touch-up.
” “ Yeah , ” said a White House plumber , “ but that was over a year ago , and he ’ s still red-faced , and it isn ’ t from the tanning bed .
He ’ s got a bug .
Maybe the bug , ” “ Then it ’ s got to be Trump ’ s makeup.
” When a White House reporter , ( who finally grew the cojones ) asked Trump at a press conference , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , she added that some of the White House staff , including the gardeners , electricians , plumbers , and the disposal unit , were also asking the same question .
Steam momentarily came out of Trump 's ears and nostrils .
He ignored the question and slowly turned to another reporter and said , `` Next question . ''
Well , at least he did n't blame his red tomato face on former President Barack Obama .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
@ @ @ @

White House gardeners are talking about Donald Trump's red face. His face is getting even redder, more so than usual. The sanitation workers trucking out the White House garbage agreed. Everyone else seems to be oblivious of this sudden red change.
Jared Kushner looks to be his same waxy pale self, and since he works so closely with Trump on everything, he would be the first to catch anything. His coloring would immediately change from death pale to living human color. Switching from death pale to living color would raise questions. Seemingly, this would make Mr. Kushner a living thermometer for Donald Trump’s health condition.
The fake news would speculate, “Kushner must have gotten something from red-faced Donald Trump. And red-faced Donald Trump must have gotten the god forbid, coronavirus. Do you think?”
A White House electrician came up with the answer. “Nah. Trump fell asleep in his tanning bed. Does that all the time. Eats, tans, falls asleep. We added a siren to go off and wake him up after ten minutes. No problem the next time he goes to the tanning bed for a touch-up.”
“Yeah,” said a White House plumber, “but that was over a year ago, and he’s still red-faced, and it isn’t from the tanning bed. He’s got a bug. Maybe the bug,”
“Is Kushner still pale-faced?”
“Pale as a satin bedsheet.”
“Then it’s got to be Trump’s makeup.”
When a White House reporter, (who finally grew the cojones) asked Trump at a press conference, why his face had turned tomato red, she added that some of the White House staff, including the gardeners, electricians, plumbers, and the disposal unit, were also asking the same question.
Steam momentarily came out of Trump's ears and nostrils. He ignored the question and slowly turned to another reporter and said, "Next question."
Well, at least he didn't blame his red tomato face on former President Barack Obama.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-05-12--Americans Confused as to whether Getting Coronavirus Is Good or Bad

Many Americans are confused as to what fate awaits them if they become infected with the coronavirus and then recover .
Will they be a pariah or superhuman ?
Hero or social outcast ?
Gasping for air or immune for life ?
“ If I find out I ’ ve had it , will I be able to go everywhere or nowhere ?
” asked Rebecca Gottlieb of New York City , who ’ s had no symptoms of any illness but wonders if she should try to get tested for COVID-19 nonetheless – or , on the other hand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all costs .
“ And I can never remember if having the antibody is good or bad .
Does that mean I ’ ll spread it to everyone or no one ?
” She shook her head in frustration .
“ Sometimes it seems like there are no good options.
” Nate Chapman of Nashville , Tennessee , who eats healthy , exercises , and is fairly confident that , if struck by COVID-19 , he won ’ t end up one of the 0.1 to 0.3 percent fatalities from the illness , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus .
`` I don ’ t want to get sick , but the real jackpot may be lifetime immunity .
So it could be that getting COVID-19 and recovering would be preferable to avoiding infection entirely , '' he said .
`` I ’ m having a hard time deciding .
I guess I ’ ll just play it by ear . ''
Matt Mason of Boston , Massachusetts , however , is clear that he hopes to get COVID-19 , simply so that being quarantined would make a little more sense @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve been told to act sick – not leave my house , avoid human contact , not work , ” he noted .
“ Psychologically , I ’ m already there .
I may as well do the physical part as well.
” He sighed apologetically and shook his head .
“ Sorry , sorry , I meant to preface that with , ‘ Not to minimize the horrific suffering that so many are experiencing , or the heroic work of doctors and nurses on the front lines , risking their lives @ @ @ @ @ @ @ there you go .
But that being said , I figure I may as well experience this historic pandemic bug for myself .
Why the hell not ?
”

Many Americans are confused as to what fate awaits them if they become infected with the coronavirus and then recover. Will they be a pariah or superhuman? Hero or social outcast? Gasping for air or immune for life?
“If I find out I’ve had it, will I be able to go everywhere or nowhere?” asked Rebecca Gottlieb of New York City, who’s had no symptoms of any illness but wonders if she should try to get tested for COVID-19 nonetheless – or, on the other hand, whether she should avoid testing at all costs. “And I can never remember if having the antibody is good or bad. Does that mean I’ll spread it to everyone or no one?” She shook her head in frustration. “Sometimes it seems like there are no good options.”
Nate Chapman of Nashville, Tennessee, who eats healthy, exercises, and is fairly confident that, if struck by COVID-19, he won’t end up one of the 0.1 to 0.3 percent fatalities from the illness, likewise expressed confusion regarding the ramifications of coronavirus. "I don’t want to get sick, but the real jackpot may be lifetime immunity. So it could be that getting COVID-19 and recovering would be preferable to avoiding infection entirely," he said. "I’m having a hard time deciding. I guess I’ll just play it by ear."
Matt Mason of Boston, Massachusetts, however, is clear that he hopes to get COVID-19, simply so that being quarantined would make a little more sense. “All this time, I’ve been told to act sick – not leave my house, avoid human contact, not work,” he noted. “Psychologically, I’m already there. I may as well do the physical part as well.”
He sighed apologetically and shook his head. “Sorry, sorry, I meant to preface that with, ‘Not to minimize the horrific suffering that so many are experiencing, or the heroic work of doctors and nurses on the front lines, risking their lives every day to save others.’ So there you go. But that being said, I figure I may as well experience this historic pandemic bug for myself. Why the hell not?”


thespoof--2020-05-12--Many in President Trump’s Base are Having Campaign Pep Rally Withdrawal Symptoms

CHICKEN BONE , Mississippi – One of President Trump ’ s top Secret Service agents said that , for the past two weeks , POTUS has been talking about hitting the old presidential campaign trail .
He stated that he has heard and seen the president practicing such phrases as “ Get him outta here ” , “ He ’ s a loser ” , “ It ’ s fake news ” , and “ I never poked that woman , in fact , I don ’ t even know her , and besides she 's fat and she ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reporting that recent polls show that Trump ’ s base , known as the Trumpnecks can hardly wait to put on their red MAGA caps , their Wrangler blue jeans , and their gingham blue shirts , and start hootin ’ and hollerin ’ for their man , King Donald the 1st .
A long-time resident of Chicken Bone , Cletus `` The Pig Rider '' Heathcliff , said that he is a 100 % man , but pointed out that if he was a 100 % woman , he would let Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ .
His wife , Emma Lulu , added that she is a 100 % female , and she would not only let Trump grab her by the you-know-what , but she would also let him French kiss her ear .
But overall , Trump ’ s base is waiting anxiously in the wings .
And when the time comes to start having the campaign rallies , they ’ ll be ready .
And as the Trumpnecks all say , the heck with medical masks , gloves , suppositories , and condoms .

CHICKEN BONE, Mississippi – One of President Trump’s top Secret Service agents said that, for the past two weeks, POTUS has been talking about hitting the old presidential campaign trail.
He stated that he has heard and seen the president practicing such phrases as “Get him outta here”, “He’s a loser”, “It’s fake news”, and “I never poked that woman, in fact, I don’t even know her, and besides she's fat and she’s ugly.”
The Baltimore Inplier-Journal is reporting that recent polls show that Trump’s base, known as the Trumpnecks can hardly wait to put on their red MAGA caps, their Wrangler blue jeans, and their gingham blue shirts, and start hootin’ and hollerin’ for their man, King Donald the 1st.
A long-time resident of Chicken Bone, Cletus "The Pig Rider" Heathcliff, said that he is a 100% man, but pointed out that if he was a 100% woman, he would let Trump grab him by the ‘p word’.
His wife, Emma Lulu, added that she is a 100% female, and she would not only let Trump grab her by the you-know-what, but she would also let him French kiss her ear.
But overall, Trump’s base is waiting anxiously in the wings.
And when the time comes to start having the campaign rallies, they’ll be ready.
And as the Trumpnecks all say, the heck with medical masks, gloves, suppositories, and condoms.


thespoof--2020-05-12--Three White House Maids Spill The Beans on President Trump

WASHINGTON , D.C. – A White House maid who asked that her name not be released , said that chaos is reigning supreme in La Casa Blanca , as J.Lo calls the house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue .
The White House maid revealed that the president has taken to yelling at the top of his lungs at all hours of the day and night .
In fact , she and two other maids have said that , if he calls them peasants one more time , they are going to quit , and collectively write a book revealing all kinds @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” ( the King ) , as the maids call him , has done .
One of the maids even hinted that she has taken lots of photos of “ Trumpy ” , including many of him in his red MAGA boxer shorts .
Another of the maids said that , a few weeks ago , she caught a glimpse of POTUS as he was coming out of the shower , and it was all she could do to keep from throwing up at the sight of his little , itty , bitty @ @ @ @ @ @ @ White House physician , Dr. Yang Fu Fi , says that White House staff members are contracting the COVID-19 flu virus left and right .
The doctor stressed that he has told the president how important it is for him to wear a medical mask , protective gloves , and , in his case , even a condom .
Meanwhile , the three maids have announced that they will all start wearing haz-mat suits while on duty at the White House .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House maid who asked that her name not be released, said that chaos is reigning supreme in La Casa Blanca, as J.Lo calls the house at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
The White House maid revealed that the president has taken to yelling at the top of his lungs at all hours of the day and night.
In fact, she and two other maids have said that, if he calls them peasants one more time, they are going to quit, and collectively write a book revealing all kinds of juicy stuff that “El Rey” (the King), as the maids call him, has done.
One of the maids even hinted that she has taken lots of photos of “Trumpy”, including many of him in his red MAGA boxer shorts.
Another of the maids said that, a few weeks ago, she caught a glimpse of POTUS as he was coming out of the shower, and it was all she could do to keep from throwing up at the sight of his little, itty, bitty pee-pee.
The maids have said that White House physician, Dr. Yang Fu Fi, says that White House staff members are contracting the COVID-19 flu virus left and right.
The doctor stressed that he has told the president how important it is for him to wear a medical mask, protective gloves, and, in his case, even a condom.
Meanwhile, the three maids have announced that they will all start wearing haz-mat suits while on duty at the White House.


thespoof--2020-05-12--Trump: Roosevelt Was Wrong

Trump: Roosevelt Was Wrong

AP -- The Defense Production Act to order U.S. manufacturers to make equipment to fight the Coronavirus has been rejected @ @ @ @ @ called on governors to make the masks , swabs , testing chemicals , and ventilators @ @ @ @ @ supplies will be corrected .
Indeed , he says that , mandating Governors to provide @ @ @ @ @ issue .
He explained , “ We have a federal system which mandates that the @ @ @ @ @ was wrong in ordering factories to convert from domestic manufacturing .
If I had been @ @ @ @ @ have had the states building ships , aircraft carriers , tanks , planes , and @ @ @ @ @ tells me that Kentucky would have been super at making battleships .
”

AP--The Defense Production Act to order U.S. manufacturers to make equipment to fight the Coronavirus has been rejected by President Trump. He called on governors to make the masks, swabs, testing chemicals, and ventilators, so shortages of these supplies will be corrected.
Indeed, he says that, mandating Governors to provide these supplies is a constitutional issue. He explained, “We have a federal system which mandates that the states do this. Roosevelt was wrong in ordering factories to convert from domestic manufacturing. If I had been President then, I would have had the states building ships, aircraft carriers, tanks, planes, and guns. My beautiful intuition tells me that Kentucky would have been super at making battleships.”


thespoof--2020-05-12--Supreme Court Decides Against Donald J. Trump

In a unanimous decision , the Supreme Court has decided that Donald J. Trump must release all of his financial records for the last ten years .
After all , they suggested , rather capriciously , Trump himself promised to release his financial records when they were through being audited .
They added that a promise was a promise .
And how many times during the 2016 presidential campaign , and after , did Trump promise to release his financial records , but could n't because they were being audited ?
Way , way too many times to count , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more than once , and once was enough for it to be considered a fraudulent statement or a lie if they were not released .
And fraud will send an individual straight to the big house .
So writing in favor of their unanimous decision , Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote : Therefore , you must put up or shut up , or go straight to jail for fraud !
Justice Kavanaugh added : `` This nation is not a monarchy or a fascist state , and that Trump is neither a king @ @ @ @ @ @ @ n't pretend you are one or the other , got it ? ''
The day after the decision was announced , someone resembling Be Best , wearing Jackie O sunglasses and trademark five-inch stiletto heels , was seen boarding a plane headed for Slovenia , accompanied by two steamer-size Louis Vuitton trunks , and insisting one of the trunks was her carry-on .
“ Lady , you want to take it to the Supreme Court ?
” Evidently , the Supreme Court , with its unanimous decision , has restored the basic principles @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and for every soldier who ever defended and died for this same nation , and for every taxpayer who dutifully paid their yearly taxes , that Donald J. Trump , bone spurs or not , shall release his financial records , and that he is not above the law .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

In a unanimous decision, the Supreme Court has decided that Donald J. Trump must release all of his financial records for the last ten years. After all, they suggested, rather capriciously, Trump himself promised to release his financial records when they were through being audited. They added that a promise was a promise.
And how many times during the 2016 presidential campaign, and after, did Trump promise to release his financial records, but couldn't because they were being audited?
Way, way too many times to count, but, be assured, it was more than once, and once was enough for it to be considered a fraudulent statement or a lie if they were not released. And fraud will send an individual straight to the big house.
So writing in favor of their unanimous decision, Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg wrote: Therefore, you must put up or shut up, or go straight to jail for fraud!
Justice Kavanaugh added: "This nation is not a monarchy or a fascist state, and that Trump is neither a king or queen or dictator. So don't pretend you are one or the other, got it?"
The day after the decision was announced, someone resembling Be Best, wearing Jackie O sunglasses and trademark five-inch stiletto heels, was seen boarding a plane headed for Slovenia, accompanied by two steamer-size Louis Vuitton trunks, and insisting one of the trunks was her carry-on.
“Lady, you want to take it to the Supreme Court?”
The lady demurred.
Evidently, the Supreme Court, with its unanimous decision, has restored the basic principles upon which this nation was founded, and for every soldier who ever defended and died for this same nation, and for every taxpayer who dutifully paid their yearly taxes, that Donald J. Trump, bone spurs or not, shall release his financial records, and that he is not above the law.
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