thespoof--2020-04-15--Flouting Shelter in Place Order, Nashville Man Takes Stand for Constitutional Rights by Leaving Hous

Flouting Shelter in Place Order, Nashville Man Takes Stand for Constitutional Rights by Leaving House to Check Mail

Refusing to be deprived of his Constitutional right to liberty , to peaceably assemble , and to practice the religion he describes as naturalism , Mitch Walden of Nashville , Tennessee , unabashedly flouted the Tennessee governor ’ s COVID-19 shelter in place order and left his home for a wholly unnecessary activity : checking the mail .
“ I never get anything worthwhile , just junk , ” said Walker .
“ But that was the whole point - to overtly disobey the order not to leave my house other than for essential activities . ''
On the way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time to practice his religion , naturalism , by breathing deeply of the clean , fresh air and basking in the rays of sunlight that warmed his face during his three-minute foray outdoors .
“ Avoiding a hyped-up virus may be other people ’ s number-one priority , but for me , communion with nature means everything , '' he said .
`` No police state is ever going to interfere with that .
I 'll fight to the death for my right to worship . ''
During his extraneous venture outdoors , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his right to peaceably assemble , by closely and rambunctiously associating with his neighbors ’ dog , Kellogg , to the level of `` pure frolicking . ''
“ Out of everything , that was probably my most joyful exercise of First Amendment rights , '' he said .
Unfortunately , said Walker , very few of his neighbors seemed to absorb the significance of the stand he was taking for the sake of all of their Constitutional rights by his act of civil disobedience .
“ No one seems to get it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ broad police powers for one thing , they ’ ll start doing it again and again for other things – and with less and less of a basis , ” he said .
“ But I get it .
And I 'm going to keep getting outside , no matter what the government tells me . ''

Refusing to be deprived of his Constitutional right to liberty, to peaceably assemble, and to practice the religion he describes as naturalism, Mitch Walden of Nashville, Tennessee, unabashedly flouted the Tennessee governor’s COVID-19 shelter in place order and left his home for a wholly unnecessary activity: checking the mail.
“I never get anything worthwhile, just junk,” said Walker. “But that was the whole point - to overtly disobey the order not to leave my house other than for essential activities."
On the way to his mailbox, Walker additionally took time to practice his religion, naturalism, by breathing deeply of the clean, fresh air and basking in the rays of sunlight that warmed his face during his three-minute foray outdoors. “Avoiding a hyped-up virus may be other people’s number-one priority, but for me, communion with nature means everything," he said. "No police state is ever going to interfere with that. I'll fight to the death for my right to worship."
During his extraneous venture outdoors, Walker also took a hard-and-fast stand for his right to peaceably assemble, by closely and rambunctiously associating with his neighbors’ dog, Kellogg, to the level of "pure frolicking." “Out of everything, that was probably my most joyful exercise of First Amendment rights," he said.
Unfortunately, said Walker, very few of his neighbors seemed to absorb the significance of the stand he was taking for the sake of all of their Constitutional rights by his act of civil disobedience. “No one seems to get it that once the State starts exerting overly broad police powers for one thing, they’ll start doing it again and again for other things – and with less and less of a basis,” he said. “But I get it. And I'm going to keep getting outside, no matter what the government tells me."


thespoof--2020-04-15--Victor's Railroad to Hell

Victor's Railroad to Hell

THE world ’ s dumbest train driver has got lost for the last time .
Victor Wayakeya , who had @ @ @ @ @ train looking at dirt tracks on four previous occasions , left his passengers stranded by @ @ @ @ @ he lost his bearings again .
Passenger Amy Watkins said : “ He said he @ @ @ @ @ Pass……something to do with the moon being out.
” “ He said he could see @ @ @ @ @ to Rodeo Junction , but it didn ’ t look right , somehow.
” Mr @ @ @ @ @ native American heritage had always taught him to trust his instincts , and so he @ @ @ @ @ Wayakeya , whose name means Trusted Guide in Apache , was found by rescuers with @ @ @ @ @ track .
The rest of him was discovered a hundred yards away after he had @ @ @ @ @ passengers .

THE world’s dumbest train driver has got lost for the last time.
Victor Wayakeya, who had been found wandering from his train looking at dirt tracks on four previous occasions, left his passengers stranded by a field in Omaha when he lost his bearings again.
Passenger Amy Watkins said: “He said he got disorientated after passing Cheyenne Pass……something to do with the moon being out.”
“He said he could see the rails ahead of him to Rodeo Junction, but it didn’t look right, somehow.”
Mr Wayakeya told the passengers his native American heritage had always taught him to trust his instincts, and so he stopped the train.
Mr Wayakeya, whose name means Trusted Guide in Apache, was found by rescuers with his ear next to the track.
The rest of him was discovered a hundred yards away after he had been lynched by the irate passengers.


thespoof--2020-04-14--President Trump Says Hydroxychloroquine Is That Stuff They Put In Toothpaste

In the relentless battle being fought to discover a cure for the deadly Coronavirus , COVID-19 , President Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ HCQ ) is perfectly safe , as it is already a main constituent of most @ @ @ @ @ Trump was tweeting just before bedtime , and just brushing his teeth last night , @ @ @ @ @ about these things , and that people should trust him .
`` It 's completely @ @ @ @ @ stuff that they put in toothpaste . ''
There was no doubt in mind , @ @ @ @ @ .
`` If it was n't safe , '' wrote Trump , `` it would @ @ @ @ @ Relax . ''
He went on to say that it 's the HCQ that makes @ @ @ @ @ and 'tangy ' , and that it 's usually contained in the stripes .
According @ @ @ @ @ is his favorite Hydroxychloroquine flavor .

In the relentless battle being fought to discover a cure for the deadly Coronavirus, COVID-19, President Donald Trump has confirmed that Hydroxychloroquine (HCQ) is perfectly safe, as it is already a main constituent of most major brands of toothpaste.
Trump was tweeting just before bedtime, and just after brushing his teeth last night, and stated that he knew about these things, and that people should trust him.
"It's completely safe. It's that stuff that they put in toothpaste."
There was no doubt in his mind, he said. Believe him.
"If it wasn't safe," wrote Trump, "it wouldn't be in toothpaste. Relax."
He went on to say that it's the HCQ that makes the toothpaste taste 'fresh' and 'tangy', and that it's usually contained in the stripes.
According to the tweet, Peppermint is his favorite Hydroxychloroquine flavor.


thespoof--2020-04-13--President Trump Touts “Game-changer Bigger Than Hydrochloroquine in Battle Against Coronavirus Sprea

President Trump Touts “Game-changer Bigger Than Hydrochloroquine in Battle Against Coronavirus Spread”

( Washington , DC ) President Trump excitedly took to the podium in today ’ s White House Coronavirus briefing by proclaiming he had uncovered a miracle breakthrough in the battle to fight the spread of the highly-contagious virus , and was fast-tracking funding to companies who can begin immediate mass production of the solution .
“ This will be a miracle game-changer bigger and way more effective than my previous recommendation that the country shove Lupis and rheumatoid arthritis patients out of the way to hoard and take massive doses of Hydroclor- , Hyrdraqu- , Hydru- , you know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ African malaria drug.
” He continued : “ A study shown to me by Dr. Fauci , you all know him , he is a very famous doctor on infectious diseases , came from some medical University of Vienna over that big body of water .
It said the China virus can be stopped dead , you know , dead in its tracks by great use of some chemical called ‘ Liquid Uric Acid ’ .
” Trump paused for a moment , sniffled deeply , and continued : “ The study says @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in stopping the spread of the China virus through somebody touching a contaminated surface that has been treated.
” Raising his hands for emphasis , he added “ You know I am smart , the smartest person you know , people say it .
I am good at science and my instinct realized this Uric Acid thing is something I know something about !
” Pausing again , he continued in a much louder , excited voice : “ I have the best instincts - this liquid Uric Acid will be historically significant…it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the ‘ Trump Method ’ , but we ’ ll see.
” Dr. Fauci , also present at the briefing , could be seen enthusiastically grinning in his approval of the President ’ s announcement .
The president ’ s hands were visibly shaking as he completed the briefing with an astounding proclamation : “ I am not waiting for these blind so-called tests to start .
I am having both Melania and my lovely daughter , Ivanka , begin experimenting with the release of Uric Acid throughout the White House !
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the faces of the press corps , no doubt in amazement over the announcement of this miracle cure .

(Washington, DC) President Trump excitedly took to the podium in today’s White House Coronavirus briefing by proclaiming he had uncovered a miracle breakthrough in the battle to fight the spread of the highly-contagious virus, and was fast-tracking funding to companies who can begin immediate mass production of the solution.
“This will be a miracle game-changer bigger and way more effective than my previous recommendation that the country shove Lupis and rheumatoid arthritis patients out of the way to hoard and take massive doses of Hydroclor-, Hyrdraqu-, Hydru-, you know what I am talking about, that African malaria drug.”
He continued: “A study shown to me by Dr. Fauci, you all know him, he is a very famous doctor on infectious diseases, came from some medical University of Vienna over that big body of water. It said the China virus can be stopped dead, you know, dead in its tracks by great use of some chemical called ‘Liquid Uric Acid’.”
Trump paused for a moment, sniffled deeply, and continued: “The study says it has has proven 100% effective in stopping the spread of the China virus through somebody touching a contaminated surface that has been treated.”
Raising his hands for emphasis, he added “You know I am smart, the smartest person you know, people say it. I am good at science and my instinct realized this Uric Acid thing is something I know something about!”
Pausing again, he continued in a much louder, excited voice: “I have the best instincts - this liquid Uric Acid will be historically significant…it may be too soon to call it the ‘Trump Method’, but we’ll see.”
Dr. Fauci, also present at the briefing, could be seen enthusiastically grinning in his approval of the President’s announcement.
The president’s hands were visibly shaking as he completed the briefing with an astounding proclamation: “I am not waiting for these blind so-called tests to start. I am having both Melania and my lovely daughter, Ivanka, begin experimenting with the release of Uric Acid throughout the White House!”
The briefing concluded with shocked expressions on the faces of the press corps, no doubt in amazement over the announcement of this miracle cure.


thespoof--2020-04-15--Carnage at Local IHOP over Last Stack of Pancakes

Police in this sleepy Indiana town were called to quell a violent disturbance at the local IHOP diner this morning .
“ It was absolute carnage , ” reported Sergeant Nick Buckley , who was first on the scene .
“ In all my years on the force , I ’ ve never seen anything so horrific .
Pigs without blankets , sticky floors , and eggs with no sunnyside—it was everywhere !
” He gulped back tears , clearly overcome with emotion .
Waitress , Sandy Cook , says it all started when the chef announced that , due @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only had enough batter for three more pancakes .
“ Immediately , ” she said , “ regulars Ken ‘ Crusty ’ Crabbe , 61 , and Edna ‘ Biddy ’ Harfinger , 69 , both jumped up to claim the same platter .
It got ugly right away . ''
Billie Joe Sniggly cried , “ Why couldn ’ t they just simply split the pancakes before they had to resort to such violence ?
” as she wiped the syrup off her good blouse that she saved for church and trips @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Phil , gently reminded her , “ You can not have a stack of 1.5 pancakes .
You know it ’ s against the natural order .
It ’ s just not done.
” The town ’ s residents were shocked at this horrible turn of events .
Resident , Ellie Higgins , echoed the crowd ’ s consensus , “ Oh , I ’ m not surprised that a lack of pancakes started a brawl ; I ’ m shocked that the IHOP didn ’ t plan for the flour shortage and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ own fault , and I hold them responsible—not the innocent victims who had to fight for life ’ s basic necessities.
” Clean-up began immediately .
IHOP estimated $ 3,000 in damages , but waived pressing charges against Crabbe and Harfinger , admitting culpability .

Police in this sleepy Indiana town were called to quell a violent disturbance at the local IHOP diner this morning.
“It was absolute carnage,” reported Sergeant Nick Buckley, who was first on the scene. “In all my years on the force, I’ve never seen anything so horrific. Pigs without blankets, sticky floors, and eggs with no sunnyside—it was everywhere!” He gulped back tears, clearly overcome with emotion.
Waitress, Sandy Cook, says it all started when the chef announced that, due to the worldwide flour shortage, he only had enough batter for three more pancakes. “Immediately,” she said, “regulars Ken ‘Crusty’ Crabbe, 61, and Edna ‘Biddy’ Harfinger, 69, both jumped up to claim the same platter. It got ugly right away."
Billie Joe Sniggly cried, “Why couldn’t they just simply split the pancakes before they had to resort to such violence?” as she wiped the syrup off her good blouse that she saved for church and trips to the IHOP. Her husband, Phil, gently reminded her, “You cannot have a stack of 1.5 pancakes. You know it’s against the natural order. It’s just not done.”
The town’s residents were shocked at this horrible turn of events. Resident, Ellie Higgins, echoed the crowd’s consensus, “Oh, I’m not surprised that a lack of pancakes started a brawl; I’m shocked that the IHOP didn’t plan for the flour shortage and start hoarding immediately. It was their own fault, and I hold them responsible—not the innocent victims who had to fight for life’s basic necessities.”
Clean-up began immediately. IHOP estimated $3,000 in damages, but waived pressing charges against Crabbe and Harfinger, admitting culpability.


thespoof--2020-04-15--A Couple Holds Up a Food Bank

A Couple Holds Up a Food Bank

CHEYENNE , Wyoming – With food banks popping up all over the place due to the COVID-19 , it was inevitable that one would get held up .
The Cheyenne Police Department reported that the First Food Bank of Cheyenne was held up by two individuals that were wearing N95 medical masks .
Officer Cyrus Garbo ( Badge # 890321 ) said that a worker at the food bank remarked that the couple , who had a Polynesian accent , suddenly pulled out a trash bag and instructed one of the food bank workers to fill it with steaks , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ three boxes of Kellogg ’ s Special K cereal .
The two were reportedly brandishing what looked to be a Glock 9 and a Swiss Army knife .
Witnesses reported hearing the couple talking about possibly taking a hostage , but they changed their minds when everyone took off running toward the asparagus and kale sections .
The culprits were captured a block away when they dropped the frozen shrimp , and the woman , who weighed every bit of 375 pounds , slipped and landed on their dog , Misty .
Police @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are now sitting in the Cheyenne Police Station , hungry , sweaty , and in a whole heap of trouble , as they say in Wyoming .
Meanwhile Misty was unhurt , scared as heck , but unhurt .

CHEYENNE, Wyoming – With food banks popping up all over the place due to the COVID-19, it was inevitable that one would get held up.
The Cheyenne Police Department reported that the First Food Bank of Cheyenne was held up by two individuals that were wearing N95 medical masks.
Officer Cyrus Garbo (Badge #890321) said that a worker at the food bank remarked that the couple, who had a Polynesian accent, suddenly pulled out a trash bag and instructed one of the food bank workers to fill it with steaks, a pineapple, frozen shrimp, and three boxes of Kellogg’s Special K cereal.
The two were reportedly brandishing what looked to be a Glock 9 and a Swiss Army knife.
Witnesses reported hearing the couple talking about possibly taking a hostage, but they changed their minds when everyone took off running toward the asparagus and kale sections.
The culprits were captured a block away when they dropped the frozen shrimp, and the woman, who weighed every bit of 375 pounds, slipped and landed on their dog, Misty.
Police took the pair into custody and they are now sitting in the Cheyenne Police Station, hungry, sweaty, and in a whole heap of trouble, as they say in Wyoming.
Meanwhile Misty was unhurt, scared as heck, but unhurt.


thespoof--2020-04-15--Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Buy An Avocado Farm

CARPINTERIA , California – The happy former royal couple recently sat down with Tittle Tattle Tonight reporter , Pico de Gallo , and talked about their life post-Buckingham Palace .
Considering that the country , like most countries , is presently a mess due to the C-19 virus , de Gallo asked what they thought about living in the good old USA .
Harry said that he loves the fact that there are hamburger restaurants literally on every corner .
He then remarked that there are so many different sports to enjoy including , baseball , football , basketball , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ chimed in saying that she really has missed watching her Los Angeles Dodgers , who she has followed ever since she was a future little duchess living on the left coast .
She said that she once dated a guy who knew a man who lived next door to Dodger ’ s superstar pitcher , Clayton Kershaw .
The couple was asked about their recent purchase of an avocado farm .
Harry said that Kim Kardashian told them about a 3,700-acre avocado farm located in Carpinteria that was for sale .
The owner @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and he gave them a great deal knocking off 30 % , and agreeing to stay on and show them the ins and outs of the avocado industry .
Meghan said that she is thrilled , because her favorite all-time food is guacamole , and now she and her prince own one of the biggest avocado farms in the entire state .

CARPINTERIA, California – The happy former royal couple recently sat down with Tittle Tattle Tonight reporter, Pico de Gallo, and talked about their life post-Buckingham Palace.
Considering that the country, like most countries, is presently a mess due to the C-19 virus, de Gallo asked what they thought about living in the good old USA.
Harry said that he loves the fact that there are hamburger restaurants literally on every corner.
He then remarked that there are so many different sports to enjoy including, baseball, football, basketball, soccer, and mud wrestling.
Meghan chimed in saying that she really has missed watching her Los Angeles Dodgers, who she has followed ever since she was a future little duchess living on the left coast.
She said that she once dated a guy who knew a man who lived next door to Dodger’s superstar pitcher, Clayton Kershaw.
The couple was asked about their recent purchase of an avocado farm.
Harry said that Kim Kardashian told them about a 3,700-acre avocado farm located in Carpinteria that was for sale.
The owner was a big fan of Queen Elizabeth, and he gave them a great deal knocking off 30%, and agreeing to stay on and show them the ins and outs of the avocado industry.
Meghan said that she is thrilled, because her favorite all-time food is guacamole, and now she and her prince own one of the biggest avocado farms in the entire state.


thespoof--2020-04-13--Celebrated Model Says She Had 'Relations' With Trump

A celebrated model has , in an interview with a local newspaper , claimed that she had had 'relations ' with Trumpty Dumpty , as she calls him .
The model , Tammy Twisterpecker , 19 , told a reporter from The Pittsburgh Post that she received a misdirected tweet from The Orange Tweet Creep , as other people are sometimes said to call POTUS .
The tweet asked her if she was wearing Daisy Duke short shorts , and she replied that she was .
Old Baby Fingers , as Nicki Minaj or , possibly Demi Lovato , has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would `` like to have relations '' with her , and Twisterpicker giggled and smiled and said she 'd love to .
But , she said , she 'd only do it for a payment of $ 16,275 , in American money .
DJT , as Kellyanne Conway calls him , asked her if she 'd settle for 3 Big Macs and a double serving of fries .
She said only if she could call his tiny pecker a wiener schnitzel , and speak in the voice of a 5-year-old boy .
Trumplestiltskin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him , agreed .
She then asked him how about his wife .
The Liar-in-Chief , who lies more in one day than the populations of Nebraska , Dakota and Pakistan lie in an entire decade , said he would n't be inviting Melania .
There was no room in this story for Ivanka Trump , Eric Trump , Donald Trump Jr. , George Conway , Stormy Daniels , Cher , Sean Hannity , Joe Biden , Bernie Sanders , Tom Brady , Danica Patrick , Megyn Kelly , Meghan Markle , Prince @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Ferdinand Fellatio , Donnie Depravito , Ron Ribtickler , Caitlyn Cocksucker , the Houston Astros , bikinis , secret videos , secret photos , hush money or any other old tripe that I could cram in , in the desperate hope that someone on the internet searching those names or things would click on them by mistake , whereupon I would receive points for my extremely dubious efforts .
NOTE : This story is the biggest bag of shite I was able to hammer together in 10 minutes , and has no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and content of what passes for humor on these pages at the moment .
Sorry that the headline was misleading .
That 's what tends to happen when a writer gets so excited about the sexy little details he 's writing , that he forgets what the story is supposed to be about .

A celebrated model has, in an interview with a local newspaper, claimed that she had had 'relations' with Trumpty Dumpty, as she calls him.
The model, Tammy Twisterpecker, 19, told a reporter from The Pittsburgh Post that she received a misdirected tweet from The Orange Tweet Creep, as other people are sometimes said to call POTUS.
The tweet asked her if she was wearing Daisy Duke short shorts, and she replied that she was.
Old Baby Fingers, as Nicki Minaj or, possibly Demi Lovato, has dubbed him, then replied that he would "like to have relations" with her, and Twisterpicker giggled and smiled and said she'd love to.
But, she said, she'd only do it for a payment of $16,275, in American money.
DJT, as Kellyanne Conway calls him, asked her if she'd settle for 3 Big Macs and a double serving of fries.
She said only if she could call his tiny pecker a wiener schnitzel, and if he would speak in the voice of a 5-year-old boy.
Trumplestiltskin, as some wanker in Texas calls him, agreed.
She then asked him how about his wife.
The Liar-in-Chief, as he nobody calls him, and who lies more in one day than the populations of Nebraska, Dakota and Pakistan lie in an entire decade, said he wouldn't be inviting Melania.
There was no room in this story for Ivanka Trump, Eric Trump, Donald Trump Jr., George Conway, Stormy Daniels, Cher, Sean Hannity, Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, Tom Brady, Danica Patrick, Megyn Kelly, Meghan Markle, Prince Harry, Dr. Phil, Abe Sniffmyfingers, Ferdinand Fellatio, Donnie Depravito, Ron Ribtickler, Caitlyn Cocksucker, the Houston Astros, bikinis, secret videos, secret photos, hush money or any other old tripe that I could cram in, in the desperate hope that someone on the internet searching those names or things would click on them by mistake, whereupon I would receive points for my extremely dubious efforts.
NOTE: This story is the biggest bag of shite I was able to hammer together in 10 minutes, and has no point whatsoever aside from copying the style and content of what passes for humor on these pages at the moment.
Sorry that the headline was misleading. That's what tends to happen when a writer gets so excited about the sexy little details he's writing, that he forgets what the story is supposed to be about.


thespoof--2020-04-14--Buddhist Smugly Reflects that at Least He Has the Present Moment

While others panic over lurking viruses , climate chaos , and the collapse of the economy , long-practicing Buddhist Josh Foster of Nashville , Tennessee , smugly reflected that at least he has the present moment .
“ I try not to throw it in people ’ s faces , ” said Foster of his unwavering focus on the here and now .
“ But it is kind of my ace in the hole these days.
” Foster went to on to explain that , naturally , he , too , feels grave pessimism and even despair as to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , fortunately , unlike others clinging to a questionable future , he himself remains firmly planted in the present .
“ I feel so bad for people who were actually looking forward to things , ” he said .
“ I stopped doing that eons ago.
” And while others huddle at home , fearful of picking up coronavirus or something even worse , Foster has been reveling in outdoor walking meditation , enjoying the naked sensation of air flowing into and out of his lungs , unhampered by mental or physical hindrances @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or a face mask .
`` This is my time .
In fact , this is our only time . ''
Foster chuckled .
`` To put it another way , present-moment stock is really on the rise right now .
Fortunately , I bought in a long time ago .
And boy , am I cashing in . ''

While others panic over lurking viruses, climate chaos, and the collapse of the economy, long-practicing Buddhist Josh Foster of Nashville, Tennessee, smugly reflected that at least he has the present moment.
“I try not to throw it in people’s faces,” said Foster of his unwavering focus on the here and now. “But it is kind of my ace in the hole these days.”
Foster went to on to explain that, naturally, he, too, feels grave pessimism and even despair as to the prospects for the human species – but, fortunately, unlike others clinging to a questionable future, he himself remains firmly planted in the present.
“I feel so bad for people who were actually looking forward to things,” he said. “I stopped doing that eons ago.”
And while others huddle at home, fearful of picking up coronavirus or something even worse, Foster has been reveling in outdoor walking meditation, enjoying the naked sensation of air flowing into and out of his lungs, unhampered by mental or physical hindrances like greed, hatred, delusion, or a face mask.
"This is my time. In fact, this is our only time." Foster chuckled. "To put it another way, present-moment stock is really on the rise right now. Fortunately, I bought in a long time ago. And boy, am I cashing in."


thespoof--2020-04-15--Trump Leaves To Help Russia Re-Open Their Economy

Donald Trump , angry at everyone in the United States , has left to help Russia .
`` Im going @ @ @ @ @ the President shouted , as he walked over the tarmac to board Airforce One .
@ @ @ @ @ ( brother ) , '' said Putin in an interview shortly after hearing Trump was @ @ @ @ @ We appreciate you , and we will have special quarantine bedroom ready for you with @ @ @ @ @ , you lucky dog . ''
Putin then showed a photo of two women from @ @ @ @ @ allegedly occurred in a nearby Moscow hotel .
When Putin was asked how Trump would @ @ @ @ @ Russia , he shrugged his shoulders , and said , `` Beats the hell out @ @ @ @ @ press are traveling with the President , and Melania was unavailable for comment in Mar @ @ @

Donald Trump, angry at everyone in the United States, has left to help Russia.
"Im going where Im appreciated!" the President shouted, as he walked over the tarmac to board Airforce One.
"Come home rodnoy brat (brother)," said Putin in an interview shortly after hearing Trump was on his way. "We appreciate you, and we will have special quarantine bedroom ready for you with some friends who miss you, you lucky dog." Putin then showed a photo of two women from a now infamous incident that allegedly occurred in a nearby Moscow hotel.
When Putin was asked how Trump would help open the economy in Russia, he shrugged his shoulders, and said, "Beats the hell out of me."
No press are traveling with the President, and Melania was unavailable for comment in Mar a Largo.


thespoof--2020-04-13--George Conway Says That He Heard That Trump Paid Hush Money to Caitlyn Jenner

WASHINGTON , D.C. – George Conway , who is one of the directors of the national Dump Trump 2020 movement , was quoted in The Washington Post-Express as saying that the president recently paid out some hush money .
Conway , who is married to the president ’ s chief counselor , Kellyanne Conway , said that he heard from Anthony Scaramucci , who heard it from Alec Baldwin , that the president allegedly paid hush money to Caitlyn Jenner ( aka the former dude , Bruce Jenner ) .
The word on the street is that , back in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ saying that she would like to get together with him for some drinks the next time he visited Los Angeles .
The president is reported to have said that she really isn ’ t his type of woman .
He then added no offense , but that he just happens to prefer women who are blondes and who are real women .
But , two weeks later , the two did manage to meet at a Mickey D 's in Kalamazoo , Michigan , where , reportedly , Trump had three Big Macs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Afterwards , the two , reportedly , drove off to an out-of-the-way park where Caitlyn allegedly confessed that Donnie did get to first base .
The former athletic guy quickly added that DJT didn ’ t quite make it to second base , because one of the secret service agents told the president that he had to go and meet with the mayor of Detroit regarding the Lions wanting to move to Ontario , Canada .
IN CLOSING - According to Scaramucci and Baldwin , the amount of the alleged hush payment @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – George Conway, who is one of the directors of the national Dump Trump 2020 movement, was quoted in The Washington Post-Express as saying that the president recently paid out some hush money.
Conway, who is married to the president’s chief counselor, Kellyanne Conway, said that he heard from Anthony Scaramucci, who heard it from Alec Baldwin, that the president allegedly paid hush money to Caitlyn Jenner (aka the former dude, Bruce Jenner).
The word on the street is that, back in January, Caitlyn sent POTUS a text saying that she would like to get together with him for some drinks the next time he visited Los Angeles.
The president is reported to have said that she really isn’t his type of woman.
He then added no offense, but that he just happens to prefer women who are blondes and who are real women.
But, two weeks later, the two did manage to meet at a Mickey D's in Kalamazoo, Michigan, where, reportedly, Trump had three Big Macs and Caitlyn had a McNuggets Happy Meal.
Afterwards, the two, reportedly, drove off to an out-of-the-way park where Caitlyn allegedly confessed that Donnie did get to first base.
The former athletic guy quickly added that DJT didn’t quite make it to second base, because one of the secret service agents told the president that he had to go and meet with the mayor of Detroit regarding the Lions wanting to move to Ontario, Canada.
IN CLOSING - According to Scaramucci and Baldwin, the amount of the alleged hush payment was $16,275.


thespoof--2020-04-13--Melania Trump is Now Adding the Phrase “Be Safe” to Her “Be Best” School of First Lady Phraselogy

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The First lady has made a very rare public service television ad .
Dressed in a $ 9,000 gown from Yves Saint Laurent Mrs. Trump recently talked about the importance of self-distancing .
She noted that she , personally , has been keeping 6-feet away from the president for the past 10 months , and she stressed that it has done wonders for her well-being , her complexion , and her sanity .
The stunning first mama added that , even though her husband refuses to wear a medical mask , she herself has started wearing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she was not wearing one in the “ Be Safe ” ad , she wants every American citizen from Illinois to Indiana , and from Arizona to New Mexico , to know that she does wear a mask , even when she is taking her nightly shower .
The first lady concluded her message by saying , “ So tu dose of juice Americaners , who steal duzz not wants tu wear dee masks , I wheel seemplee say tu ju , edon ’ t be estewpit .
Wear dee mask , eebend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The First lady has made a very rare public service television ad. Dressed in a $9,000 gown from Yves Saint Laurent Mrs. Trump recently talked about the importance of self-distancing.
She noted that she, personally, has been keeping 6-feet away from the president for the past 10 months, and she stressed that it has done wonders for her well-being, her complexion, and her sanity.
The stunning first mama added that, even though her husband refuses to wear a medical mask, she herself has started wearing one.
She did say that although she was not wearing one in the “Be Safe” ad, she wants every American citizen from Illinois to Indiana, and from Arizona to New Mexico, to know that she does wear a mask, even when she is taking her nightly shower.
The first lady concluded her message by saying, “So tu dose of juice Americaners, who steal duzz not wants tu wear dee masks, I wheel seemplee say tu ju, edon’t be estewpit. Wear dee mask, eebend if eat itches like a ju-know-what.”


thespoof--2020-04-14--Ivanka Trump Accidentally Reveals That Dr. Fauci Will Soon Be Fired

ANNAPOLIS , Maryland – Ivanka Trump , the oldest of Trump ’ s two daughters , was speaking before a group of Republican women who call themselves Lesbians For Trump .
She told them that her daddy embraces all kinds of women .
She giggled and said that she knows that he does have a bit of a reputation for being somewhat of a skirt chaser .
The first daughter quickly pointed out that chasing skirts and wearing skirts are two different things .
When asked what she thought about her father ’ s alleged paramour Stormy Daniels , Ivanka @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never heard , seen , or even had a meal with this Daniels woman .
She was then asked how well she gets along with her step-mother , Melania .
Ivanka grinned and said that she gets along fine as long as her step-mommy keeps her European hands off of her make up .
Ivanka was then asked about the relationship between her father and Dr. Fauci the well-respected director of the National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases .
The White House Barbie rolled her eyes and said “ To be honest @ @ @ @ @ @ @ point because my daddy is going to be firing Anthony Fauci pretty soon.
” After hearing the audience collectively ask “ What ?
?
?
” She caught herself and said that she meant to say that her daddy would soon be firing Antonia Fucia , one of the White House maids .

ANNAPOLIS, Maryland – Ivanka Trump, the oldest of Trump’s two daughters, was speaking before a group of Republican women who call themselves Lesbians For Trump.
She told them that her daddy embraces all kinds of women. She giggled and said that she knows that he does have a bit of a reputation for being somewhat of a skirt chaser.
The first daughter quickly pointed out that chasing skirts and wearing skirts are two different things.
When asked what she thought about her father’s alleged paramour Stormy Daniels, Ivanka turned pink and said that she has never heard, seen, or even had a meal with this Daniels woman.
She was then asked how well she gets along with her step-mother, Melania.
Ivanka grinned and said that she gets along fine as long as her step-mommy keeps her European hands off of her make up.
Ivanka was then asked about the relationship between her father and Dr. Fauci the well-respected director of the National Institute of Allergies and Infectious Diseases.
The White House Barbie rolled her eyes and said “To be honest it is really all just a moot point because my daddy is going to be firing Anthony Fauci pretty soon.”
After hearing the audience collectively ask “What???” She caught herself and said that she meant to say that her daddy would soon be firing Antonia Fucia, one of the White House maids.


thespoof--2020-04-13--Who Framed Roger Stone’s Yorkie?

Who Framed Roger Stone’s Yorkie?

BILLINGSGATE POST : On January 15 , 2019 , the only man in the world with a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back , was apprehended by an FBI Swat Team in the early morning hours at his home in Florida .
Newly-revealed TOP SECRET documents decoded by BILLINGSGATE POST crack investigative reporter , Detrick “ Dirty Trick ” Detwiler , underlined the risks associated with this operation .
It was well known to both the FBI and CIA that Roger Stone 's Yorkie , Bianca , if unleashed , could raise havoc with the operation .
To counter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was prepared to blow his door down with a M-1A2C Abrams tank , which carries armor penetrating shells capable of going through twelve inches of tempered steel like a hot knife going through butter .
Also revealed in the documents , was that a nuclear attack submarine was off the coast of Florida with Tomahawk Missiles at the ready .
If Bianca ran amok and attacked an ill-prepared swat team , heads could roll .
Although all were wearing full combat gear with night vision googles , nothing could have prepared them for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stepped out of his house wearing Bunny pajamas , and cradling little Bianca in his arms , a sigh of relief was expelled by the FBI agents .
FOOTNOTE : Although Roger Stone was sentenced to 7 to 40 years in prison by Judge Amy Berman Jackson , he is still at large and dangerous .
Slim : “ By damn , anyone with a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back can ’ t be all bad.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
I have a tattoo of a chicken @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ”

BILLINGSGATE POST: On January 15, 2019, the only man in the world with a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back, was apprehended by a FBI Swat Team in the early morning hours at his home in Florida.
Newly-revealed TOP SECRET documents decoded by BILLINGSGATE POST crack investigative reporter, Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, underlined the risks associated with this operation.
It was well known to both the FBI and CIA that Roger Stone's Yorkie, Bianca, if unleashed, could raise havoc with the operation. To counter that threat, the FBI Swat Team was prepared to blow his door down with a M-1A2C Abrams tank, which carries armor penetrating shells capable of going through twelve inches of tempered steel like a hot knife going through butter.
Also revealed in the documents, was that a nuclear attack submarine was off the coast of Florida with Tomahawk Missiles at the ready. If Bianca ran amok and attacked an ill-prepared swat team, heads could roll. Although all were wearing full combat gear with night vision googles, nothing could have prepared them for this dangerous mission.
“At the crack of dawn, 29 FBI agents arrived at my home with 17 vehicles, with lights flashing, when they could have contacted my lawyer.” Stone explained after a court appearance, Friday. “I tried to surrender, but they said they had already ordered the missile strike.”
When Roger Stone stepped out of the rubble of his house wearing Bunny pajamas, and cradling little Bianca in his arms, a collective sigh of relief was expelled by the FBI agents.
Ever the optimist, the pensive Stone added dismissively:
“The FBI agents were extraordinarily courteous when dragging me and my wife through the debris of our destroyed home.”
Dr. Slim: “By damn, anyone with a tattoo of Richard Nixon on his back can’t be all bad.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dr. Dude. What about me? I have a tattoo of Spiro Agnew on my buttocks.”


thespoof--2020-04-13--Nashville Man Considers Becoming Supremacist of Some Sort

Detached from the mass hysteria over pandemics and confident in his ability to survive COVID-19 should he become infected , Ben Stephens of Nashville , Tennessee , began considering becoming a supremacist of some sort – the only question was what kind ?
“ Definitely not white , ” said Stephens , who happens to be white .
“ That ’ s just a really bad look .
It was unquestionably going to have to be something else.
” Noting that many Asian Americans have done well both academically and in their professions , Stephens wondered if his respect for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into his becoming an Asian supremacist .
Ultimately , however , he decided that that path was not for him .
“ For one , ‘ Asian ’ is pretty broad , '' he noted .
`` I ’ m not sure how politically correct it would be to lump Indians , Koreans , Filipinos , Chinese , Hawaiians , Native Americans , Japanese , and even some Russians into the same supremacy category .
They ’ re very different cultures.
” The other sticking point with the Asian option , of course @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not , himself , Asian .
“ I might be able to do an ancestry test and pull out some trace Asian ancestry , ” he said .
“ But that could have been an issue.
” That being said , Stephen did not want to limit himself philosophically regarding supremacy , even if it meant that the cultural identity to which he subscribed was not , in his view , `` supreme.
” `` I only wanted to be a supremacist for a group that really deserved it , ” he explained @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have been a cop-out to settle for something just because I happen to fit the description . ''
Apart from Asians , it occurred to Stephens that he also had a great deal of respect for the Swedes , and he is at least 25-percent Swedish , on his mother ’ s side - meaning that Swedish supremacy was potentially a very viable option .
`` I felt that that might be pushing uncomfortably close to white supremacy , though .
And like I said , I definitely wanted to steer clear of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the end of the day , said Stephens , the question of what sort of supremacist he might possibly become turned out to be much more complicated than he ’ d anticipated .
“ I was naive in thinking that it would be a simple decision , '' he said .
`` There so many factors to consider , and so many ways to go wrong . ''
For that reason , Stephens has put on hold the possibility of becoming any sort of supremacist , at least for the time being .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ on being a regular dude , bumbling along like everyone else , '' he said with a shrug .
`` No big deal .
I 've made it this far , right ? ''

Detached from the mass hysteria over pandemics and confident in his ability to survive COVID-19 should he become infected, Ben Stephens of Nashville, Tennessee, began considering becoming a supremacist of some sort. The only question was, what kind?
“Definitely not white,” said Stephens, who happens to be white. “That’s just a really bad look. It was unquestionably going to have to be something else.”
Noting that many Asian Americans have done well both academically and in their professions, Stephens wondered if his respect for their work ethic and intelligence should translate into his becoming an Asian supremacist. Ultimately, however, he decided that that path was not for him.
“For one, ‘Asian’ is pretty broad," he noted. "I’m not sure how politically correct it would be to lump Indians, Koreans, Filipinos, Chinese, Hawaiians, Native Americans, Japanese, and even some Russians into the same supremacy category. They’re very different cultures.”
The other sticking point with the Asian option, of course, was the fact that Stephens is not, himself, Asian. “I might be able to do an ancestry test and pull out some trace Asian ancestry,” he said. “But that could have been an issue.”
That being said, Stephen did not want to limit himself philosophically regarding supremacy, even if it meant that the cultural identity to which he subscribed was not, in his view, "supreme.” "I only wanted to be a supremacist for a group that really deserved it,” he explained. "To me, it would have been a cop-out to settle for something just because I happen to fit the description."
It occurred to Stephens that, apart from Asians, he also had a great deal of respect for the Swedes, and he is at least 25-percent Swedish, on his mother’s side - meaning that Swedish supremacy was potentially a very viable option. "I felt that that might be pushing uncomfortably close to white supremacy, though. And like I said, I definitely wanted to steer clear of that at all costs."
At the end of the day, said Stephens, the question of what sort of supremacist he might possibly become turned out to be much more complicated than he’d anticipated. “I was naïve in thinking that it would be a simple decision," he said. "There are so many factors to consider, and so many ways to go wrong."
For that reason, Stephens has put on hold the possibility of becoming any sort of supremacist, at least for the time being. "For now I'll just go on being a regular dude, bumbling along like everyone else," he said with a shrug. "No big deal. I've made it this far, right?"


thespoof--2020-04-12--Politically Correct Woman Reluctantly Admits that Left Kind of Sucks Right Now

Rewarding as she ’ d generally found her relentless efforts to say the right thing , avoid offending anyone , and , most of all , vote “ blue no matter who , ” Rebecca Tucker of Nashville , Tennessee , was recently forced to admit that the left kind of sucks right now .
“ Sorry , I know that sounds harsh , ” she said .
“ But I didn ’ t know how else to put it.
” Tucker explained that when the coronavirus pandemic first hit , she was , of course , like most conscientious @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ordered by the governor not to go to work , not to go to church , not to socialize , and not to leave her home except for essentials .
“ If it meant there was even the slightest chance that it would help prevent someone ’ s grandmother in Wisconsin from dying of COVID-19 , it was well worth it , ” said Tucker .
“ That part made sense.
” She sighed and shook her head .
“ Actually , it didn ’ t make a lot of sense .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s grandmother , in Wisconsin or anywhere else , to die .
So I did my best to embrace the intention.
” Apart from the precise logic behind the government 's shelter in place order , Tucker had only one other question .
`` It ’ s not that I personally minded being ordered to stay at home , '' she said .
`` Again , I really don ’ t want anyone ’ s grandmother to die .
I just wasn ’ t quite clear how the Constitution played into all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could tell , however , Tucker ’ s Constitutional question was one that the left never seemed to address .
“ I ’ m sure they covered it at some point , '' she said .
`` I must have missed it . ''
Moreover , try as she might to get caught up in the mass hysteria , Tucker found it difficult to generate a convincing level of personal panic over COVID-19 .
“ It ’ s not like it ’ s a flesh-eating virus , or cancer , '' she said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been criticized for saying it ’ s basically like the flu .
But it kind of is.
” Tucker also confessed to a marked lack of enthusiasm regarding the upcoming 2020 presidential election .
Referring to the presumptive Democratic nominee , Joe Biden , she said , `` Another sexual molester ?
Who ’ s against universal health care , lied about his participation in the civil rights movement , and did everything in his power to lead us into war with Iraq ?
” Hearing her own tone , she quickly added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wrong , I ’ ll still go blue no matter who .
It 's just tough to get super excited about it.
” She chuckled wryly .
“ Any more excited than I would at the prospect of him molesting me.
” She immediately apologized for her off-color remark .
“ Sorry , I ’ m not sure what came over me .
It ’ s not the left ’ s fault .
These are weird times .
We all kind of suck right now , I guess .
”

Rewarding as she’d generally found her relentless efforts to say the right thing, avoid offending anyone, and, most of all, vote “blue no matter who,” Rebecca Tucker of Nashville, Tennessee, was recently forced to admit that the left kind of sucks right now.
“Sorry, I know that sounds harsh,” she said. “But I didn’t know how else to put it.”
Tucker explained that when the coronavirus pandemic first hit, she was, of course, like most conscientious neoliberals, more than happy to be ordered by the governor not to go to work, not to go to church, not to socialize, and not to leave her home except for essentials. “If it meant there was even the slightest chance that it would help prevent someone’s grandmother in Wisconsin from dying of COVID-19, it was well worth it,” said Tucker. “That part made sense.”
She sighed and shook her head. “Actually, it didn’t make a lot of sense. But I definitely don’t want anyone’s grandmother, in Wisconsin or anywhere else, to die. So I did my best to embrace the intention.”
Apart from the precise logic behind the government's shelter in place order, Tucker had only one other question. "It’s not that I personally minded being ordered to stay at home," she said. "Again, I really don’t want anyone’s grandmother to die. I just wasn’t quite clear how the Constitution played into all of it."
From what she could tell, however, Tucker’s Constitutional question was one that the left never seemed to address. “I’m sure they covered it at some point," she said. "I must have missed it."
Moreover, try as she might to get caught up in the mass hysteria, Tucker found it difficult to generate a convincing level of personal panic over COVID-19. “It’s not like it’s a flesh-eating virus, or cancer," she said. "I know Trump’s been criticized for saying it’s basically like the flu. But it kind of is.”
Tucker also confessed to a marked lack of enthusiasm regarding the upcoming 2020 presidential election. Referring to the presumptive Democratic nominee, Joe Biden, she said, "Another sexual molester? Who’s against universal health care, lied about his participation in the civil rights movement, and did everything in his power to lead us into war with Iraq?”
Hearing her own tone, she quickly added, “Don’t get me wrong, I’ll still go blue no matter who. It's just tough to get super excited about it.” She chuckled wryly. “Any more excited than I would at the prospect of him molesting me.”
She immediately apologized for her off-color remark. “Sorry, I’m not sure what came over me. It’s not the left’s fault. These are weird times. We all kind of suck right now, I guess.”


thespoof--2020-04-06--Self Isolating Grandmother Finally Discovers Porn On The Internet

A self-isolating senior from Baltimore has discovered that internet porn 'is a thing ' , after spending the last sixteen @ @ @ @ @ and scrolling through dozens of online search results .
70-year-old Martha Mullett admitted , Monday @ @ @ @ @ to deeply regret the years she has wasted not surfing for porn .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ reading recipes , checking out the news , and talking with my grandchildren on Skype @ @ @ @ @ about Pornhub , xvideos.com , and xhamster , I would not have wasted so much @ @ @ @ @ visibly crestfallen Granny , adding that the more time she spent browsing porn and viewing @ @ @ @ @ more she realized what she had been missing .
`` There ’ s a whole @ @ @ @ @ , and knobs out there .
What have I done ?
I just wish someone @ @ @ @ @ God for this virus ; it has given me a new lease of life .
@

A self-isolating senior from Baltimore has discovered that internet porn 'is a thing', after spending the last sixteen days surfing the internet, and scrolling through dozens of online search results.
70-year-old Martha Mullett admitted, Monday, that she has come to deeply regret the years she has wasted not surfing for porn. “I spent all my time online reading recipes, checking out the news, and talking with my grandchildren on Skype. If I had known about Pornhub, xvideos.com, and xhamster, I would not have wasted so much time,” said the visibly crestfallen Granny, adding that the more time she spent browsing porn and viewing erotic bondage scenes, the more she realized what she had been missing.
"There’s a whole world of dicks, cocks, and knobs out there. What have I done? I just wish someone had told me. Thank God for this virus; it has given me a new lease of life.”


thespoof--2020-04-11--Man Dying From Coronavirus Spends Final Day Negotiating With Health Insurance Provider

A man riddled with the coronavirus who had spent his final hours arguing with his Health Insurance provider trying to ascertain if he was covered or not , has succumbed to the illness .
Mike Smith , 56 , woke up with a tickly sore throat and cough , despite having self-isolated for 14 days .
Fearing the worst he decided he would attend his nearest hospital for assistance ; however , before placing any call to first responders , he tried to contact his insurance provider to check that he was 'in-network . '
His wife Joan explains what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ called the insurance company at eight o'clock in the morning , and was subsequently placed on hold for an hour .
Then he was eventually put through to an automated system ; this took him another hour to navigate , due to the seventy-three questions he was asked and required to punch answers to , into his phone .
By eleven he was put through to a man named 'Dave ' , who had an Indian accent .
Dave 's voice was muffled and hard to understand .
His accent was that thick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asked to be transferred to a supervisor .
It was then the phone went dead . ''
Composing herself , the forlorn widow continued `` Then began the whole process again , but after two hours of pacing up and down the living room with the phone to his ear and then on speakerphone , he spoke to a representative based in Iowa . ''
Wiping away tears , Joan continued , `` he was then placed on hold again and transferred back to 'Dave ' with the Indian accent .
It was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ After being on the phone for EIGHT hours non-stop ! ''
Mike 's insurance company was invited to comment , but , after six hours on hold , we just gave up .

A man riddled with the coronavirus who had spent his final hours arguing with his Health Insurance provider trying to ascertain if he was covered or not, has succumbed to the illness.
Mike Smith, 56, woke up with a tickly sore throat and cough, despite having self-isolated for 14 days. Fearing the worst he decided he would attend his nearest hospital for assistance; however, before placing any call to first responders, he tried to contact his insurance provider to check that he was 'in-network.'
His wife Joan explains what happened next: "Well, he called the insurance company at eight o'clock in the morning, and was subsequently placed on hold for an hour. Then he was eventually put through to an automated system; this took him another hour to navigate, due to the seventy-three questions he was asked and required to punch answers to, into his phone. By eleven he was put through to a man named 'Dave', who had an Indian accent. Dave's voice was muffled and hard to understand. His accent was that thick, after another 45 minutes, Mike asked to be transferred to a supervisor. It was then the phone went dead."
Composing herself, the forlorn widow continued "Then began the whole process again, but after two hours of pacing up and down the living room with the phone to his ear and then on speakerphone, he spoke to a representative based in Iowa." Wiping away tears, Joan continued, "he was then placed on hold again and transferred back to 'Dave' with the Indian accent. It was then that he collapsed and died. After being on the phone for EIGHT hours non-stop!"
Mike's insurance company was invited to comment, but, after six hours on hold, we just gave up.


thespoof--2020-04-13--Man Kidnaps Woman and Demands a Ransom of 40 Rolls of Toilet Paper

NEWARK , New Jersey – Newark police have just announced that they have received a very unusual ransom note from an individual who has kidnapped the 24-year-old daughter of well-known Newark attorney , V.K .
Fillatingo .
Lt. Rusty Keyweather , with the NPD , said that the ransom note consisted of individually cut-out letters from the April edition of Sports Illustrated Magazine .
The lieutenant said that , so far , they have been able to ascertain that the kidnapper is left-handed , and that he had recently eaten a whole bunch of Cheetos .
Lt. Keyweather noted that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ together misspelled the words Charmin ( Charmen ) , beaver ( beevur ) , and Hannity ( Hanatee ) .
When asked if he thought that the perp could possibly be a Republican , the lieutenant replied that it ’ s possible because of the fact that at the bottom of the ransom note , the kidnapper had added the words MAGA ROCKS in cut-out letters .
Lt. Keyweather was asked how much money the kidnapper was asking for .
He replied , “ The kidnapper said that he does not want any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 40 rolls of Charmin Toilet Paper ( in single rolls ) , and once the rolls are in his hands , he will release Miss Fillatingo unharmed .
Lt. Keyweather pointed out that if the kidnapper does not get the Charmin within 24 hours , he will give Miss Fillatingo a big French kiss and possibly expose her to the C-19 flu virus .

NEWARK, New Jersey – Newark police have just announced that they have received a very unusual ransom note from an individual who has kidnapped the 24-year-old daughter of well-known Newark attorney, V.K. Fillatingo.
Lt. Rusty Keyweather, with the NPD, said that the ransom note consisted of individually cut-out letters from the April edition of Sports Illustrated Magazine.
The lieutenant said that, so far, they have been able to ascertain that the kidnapper is left-handed, and that he had recently eaten a whole bunch of Cheetos.
Lt. Keyweather noted that the person who put the ransom note together misspelled the words Charmin (Charmen), beaver (beevur), and Hannity (Hanatee).
When asked if he thought that the perp could possibly be a Republican, the lieutenant replied that it’s possible because of the fact that at the bottom of the ransom note, the kidnapper had added the words MAGA ROCKS in cut-out letters.
Lt. Keyweather was asked how much money the kidnapper was asking for.
He replied, “The kidnapper said that he does not want any money, and that he just wants 40 rolls of Charmin Toilet Paper (in single rolls), and once the rolls are in his hands, he will release Miss Fillatingo unharmed.
Lt. Keyweather pointed out that if the kidnapper does not get the Charmin within 24 hours, he will give Miss Fillatingo a big French kiss and possibly expose her to the C-19 flu virus.


thespoof--2020-04-15--Senior Citizens Have Discovered Sexting

Senior Citizens Have Discovered Sexting

CHARLESTON , South Carolina – The local Apple store has informed the media that , due to the state ’ s Shelter-in-Place C-19 policy , many of the state ’ s older residents have taken up texting .
Felicity Mannheim , who has been the assistant manager at the Apple store , said that most elderly citizens have cell phones , but a lot of them had no idea how to use them to text .
One 89-year-old man , named Destry Fozzit , said that he just used his cell phone to call and talk to his 78-year-old girlfriend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sangaree about 23 miles away .
After being shown how easy it was to text , Destry now says that he and Ida Lou text each other at least 17 times a day .
He said , somewhat tongue-in-cheek , that the other day , Ida Lou actually sexted him using the words bra , horny , Frank Sinatra , and boobs .
Destry replied to her sext using the words condom , thighs , Betty White , and tallywacker .
The two have fallen head-over-heels in love , and a good friend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pop the question to Ida Lou before too long .
A recent poll showed that the one thing that the elderly love about sexting is that they can do it sitting at the dining room table and eating soup while totally naked .

CHARLESTON, South Carolina – The local Apple store has informed the media that, due to the state’s Shelter-in-Place C-19 policy, many of the state’s older residents have taken up texting.
Felicity Mannheim, who has been the assistant manager at the Apple store, said that most elderly citizens have cell phones, but a lot of them had no idea how to use them to text.
One 89-year-old man, named Destry Fozzit, said that he just used his cell phone to call and talk to his 78-year-old girlfriend, Ida Lou, who lives in Sangaree about 23 miles away.
After being shown how easy it was to text, Destry now says that he and Ida Lou text each other at least 17 times a day.
He said, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, that the other day, Ida Lou actually sexted him using the words bra, horny, Frank Sinatra, and boobs.
Destry replied to her sext using the words condom, thighs, Betty White, and tallywacker.
The two have fallen head-over-heels in love, and a good friend of Destry's says that he may pop the question to Ida Lou before too long.
A recent poll showed that the one thing that the elderly love about sexting is that they can do it sitting at the dining room table and eating soup while totally naked.


thespoof--2020-04-11--A Vasectomy Clinic Shuts Down Their Office But Their New Drive-Thru Window is Booming

RALEIGH , North Carolina – The Dixieland Health Administration is reporting that the largest vasectomy clinic in the state has partially shut down .
Nellie Kickington , 49 , a DHA spokeswoman , informed the media that the Snippity Snip-Snip Vasectomy Clinic has shut down its main clinic department , but that it has installed a brand new state-of-the-art drive-thru window .
Ms. Kickington said that the new drive-thru window is actually getting more patients than the indoor clinic ever did .
She noted that , ever since opening for business , the drive-thru window has seen lines of cars @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even two good old boys on a horse , stretched out for up to two miles .
One client who was interviewed said that his wife finally convinced him to go in for the procedure when she told him about the convenience of the drive-thru window .
The man , identified as Boomer Pettibone , said : “ Hell , I was just too dadgum busy with my backyard brisket grilling and my Budweiser drinking , that I just didn ’ t have time to go in and get my wiener adjusted.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and said that she is thrilled beyond belief , and so are their 13 younguns aged 2 to 17 .

RALEIGH, North Carolina – The Dixieland Health Administration is reporting that the largest vasectomy clinic in the state has partially shut down.
Nellie Kickington, 49, a DHA spokeswoman, informed the media that the Snippity Snip-Snip Vasectomy Clinic has shut down its main clinic department, but that it has installed a brand new state-of-the-art drive-thru window.
Ms. Kickington said that the new drive-thru window is actually getting more patients than the indoor clinic ever did.
She noted that, ever since opening for business, the drive-thru window has seen lines of cars, pickup trucks, motorcycles, and even two good old boys on a horse, stretched out for up to two miles.
One client who was interviewed said that his wife finally convinced him to go in for the procedure when she told him about the convenience of the drive-thru window.
The man, identified as Boomer Pettibone, said: “Hell, I was just too dadgum busy with my backyard brisket grilling and my Budweiser drinking, that I just didn’t have time to go in and get my wiener adjusted.”
His wife, Shelia Sue, giggled, and said that she is thrilled beyond belief, and so are their 13 younguns aged 2 to 17.


thespoof--2020-04-11--The World-Famous Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo Has Been Shut Down

TARZANA , California – State health authorities have told the owners of the Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo that , effective immediately , they must shut down .
The popular attraction in the town of Tarzana has seen visitors from as far off as the South Pole and the Pacific Ocean island of Macadamia to Cuernavaca , Mexico and Wales .
Petting zoo owners , Wyatt and Agatha Turpintipper , said that they fear that some of the animals may have come into contact with a flock of sparrows that had recently flown in from New York City .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ measure , all of the animals and birds will be flown to an isolated , unnamed Polynesian Island where they will be cared for by members of the Tickytungan tribe .
Wyatt wanted to make it perfectly clear that , yes , the Tickytungans are registered cannibals , but they do not eat animals or birds , but , somewhat tongue-in-cheek , he did emphasize that they will make a meal out of a human in the blink of an eye .
The Turpintippers ask that , if anyone would like to donate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dried worms for the birds , that they please go to www.pettingzoo.moo

TARZANA, California – State health authorities have told the owners of the Tarzan & Jane Petting Zoo that, effective immediately, they must shut down.
The popular attraction in the town of Tarzana has seen visitors from as far off as the South Pole and the Pacific Ocean island of Macadamia to Cuernavaca, Mexico and Wales.
Petting zoo owners, Wyatt and Agatha Turpintipper, said that they fear that some of the animals may have come into contact with a flock of sparrows that had recently flown in from New York City.
The Turpintippers said that, as a precautionary measure, all of the animals and birds will be flown to an isolated, unnamed Polynesian Island where they will be cared for by members of the Tickytungan tribe.
Wyatt wanted to make it perfectly clear that, yes, the Tickytungans are registered cannibals, but they do not eat animals or birds, but, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, he did emphasize that they will make a meal out of a human in the blink of an eye.
The Turpintippers ask that, if anyone would like to donate canned pellet food for the animals and dried worms for the birds, that they please go to www.pettingzoo.moo


thespoof--2020-04-10--Due to COVID-19, Would-Be Robbers Have Trouble Distinguishing Themselves from Face-Mask-Wearing Cust

Due to COVID-19, Would-Be Robbers Have Trouble Distinguishing Themselves from Face-Mask-Wearing Customers

Their attempt to hold up a small convenience store in Nashville , Tennessee , fell short when , due to COVID-19 , would-be robbers 16-year-old Robbie Hillman and 17-year-old Fred Holland had trouble distinguishing themselves from the plethora of face-mask-wearing customers .
Brandishing weapons and wearing bandannas covering their noses and mouths to hide their identities , Hillman and Holland rushed the cashier and demanded that he give them all “ paper ” in his register , only for the distracted clerk , not noticing their weapons , to respond that the store was out of bathroom tissue .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” the clerk told them , his words muffled by his own face covering .
“ I hear they have some.
” As several customers , also wearing mouth and nose coverings , looked on , one elderly gentleman lifted his own face mask long enough to advise Hillman and Holland , “ Bandannas are better than nothing , but they won ’ t prevent transmission of the virus if you ’ re exposed .
I ’ ve got a sister who ’ s a nurse in Cleveland – if you find @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get you some medical masks.
” From a careful six-plus feet away , he proceeded to relay his contact information to the two teens , while Hillman and Holland looked at each other , baffled .
At a loss as to what else to do , the two young men abandoned their criminal plan and exited the store , debating how much a face mask might bring in on eBay .
“ Weird times , man , ” Holland told his partner in attempted crime .
“ We ’ ve got to @ @ @ @ @

Their attempt to hold up a small convenience store in Nashville, Tennessee, fell short when, due to COVID-19, would-be robbers 16-year-old Robbie Hillman and 17-year-old Fred Holland had trouble distinguishing themselves from the plethora of face-mask-wearing customers.
Brandishing weapons and wearing bandannas covering their noses and mouths to hide their identities, Hillman and Holland rushed the cashier and demanded that he give them all “paper” in his register, only for the distracted clerk, not noticing their weapons, to respond that the store was out of bathroom tissue.
“Try the Asian market up the block,” the clerk told them, his words muffled by his own face covering. “I hear they have some.”
As several customers, also wearing mouth and nose coverings, looked on, one elderly gentleman lifted his own face mask long enough to advise Hillman and Holland, “Bandannas are better than nothing, but they won’t prevent transmission of the virus if you’re exposed. I’ve got a sister who’s a nurse in Cleveland – if you find me on Facebook I might be able to get you some medical masks.”
From a careful six-plus feet away, he proceeded to relay his contact information to the two teens, while Hillman and Holland looked at each other, baffled.
“Thanks, appreciate that,” Holland finally told the gentleman. “I’ll friend you.”
At a loss as to what else to do, the two young men abandoned their criminal plan and exited the store, debating how much a face mask might bring in on eBay. “Weird times, man,” Holland told his partner in attempted crime. “We’ve got to make our opportunities.”


thespoof--2020-04-14--Medical Mask Stock Purchases are Breaking All Kinds of Records

KANSAS CITY - American Spotlight Magazine has stated that while most U.S. stocks are taking a big dive , the medical mask industry factories are working 24/7 as medical mask sales are going through the ceiling .
Orion P. Hemmingway , who is the CEO of Medical Masks ‘ R ’ Us , said that just in the past month shares of MMRU have gone from $ 1.03 a share to $ 872.19 a share setting an all-time record .
Hemmingway said that his company has even had to import 700 workers from Guatemala , Nicaragua , and El Salvador @ @ @ @ @ @ @ demand .
He thought about it for a while and remarked , “ Ah lets make that Sweden , Norway , and Finland.
” MMRU has even converted several NBA basketball arenas into factories and they are churning out C-19 medical masks quicker than bumble bees can bumble .
Hemmingway commented that just yesterday his company received a purchase order from Kim Kardashian for 12,000 medical masks for adults , children , and babies .
He said that she informed him that she will be keeping 7,000 for the immediate Kardashian family and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Salvatore Goombalini Hospital in Brooklyn .

KANSAS CITY - American Spotlight Magazine has stated that while most U.S. stocks are taking a big dive, the medical mask industry factories are working 24/7 as medical mask sales are going through the ceiling.
Orion P. Hemmingway, who is the CEO of Medical Masks ‘R’ Us, said that just in the past month shares of MMRU have gone from $1.03 a share to $872.19 a share setting an all-time record.
Hemmingway said that his company has even had to import 700 workers from Guatemala, Nicaragua, and El Salvador in order to keep up with the demand.
He thought about it for a while and remarked, “Ah lets make that Sweden, Norway, and Finland.”
MMRU has even converted several NBA basketball arenas into factories and they are churning out C-19 medical masks quicker than bumble bees can bumble.
Hemmingway commented that just yesterday his company received a purchase order from Kim Kardashian for 12,000 medical masks for adults, children, and babies.
He said that she informed him that she will be keeping 7,000 for the immediate Kardashian family and the other 5,000 will be donated to the Salvatore Goombalini Hospital in Brooklyn.


thespoof--2020-04-11--Nashville Man Ponders whether He Has What It Takes to Be a Cult Leader

His survivalist instincts primed by the threat of global warming and mass pandemics , Russell Cartwright of Nashville , Tennessee , began contemplating founding his own self-sufficient society , which in turn prompted him to ponder the critical question of whether he had what it took to be an effective cult leader .
“ Charisma ’ s not an issue , ” he said .
“ I ’ ve been told I ’ ve got that in spades .
As I see it , the only area where I might fall short is in pulling off a convincing level of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cult leader , you can ’ t mess around.
” Cartwright went on to emphasize that , naturally , he ’ d be committed to his cult beyond all else , and would initially burn with righteous wrath at anyone who sought to question his authority .
“ The trouble is , it ’ s tough for me to sustain that level of fury , ” he said .
“ I ’ ve never been good at holding a grudge.
” Another potential failing point , said Cartwright , is his tendency to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ someone for breaking a rule – especially a stupid rule .
“ But in cults , you ’ ve got to take even the most mundane rules super seriously , ” he noted .
“ Again , the authoritarianism is definitely my weak spot.
” One cult-leader component Cartwright has fully come to terms with , however , is the focus on maintaining a dignified , formal air about him .
“ I ’ d have to start going by Russell rather than Russ , which is fine , ” he said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Russ in Boots.
’ I can do that . ''
All told , “ Russell ” says that he feels relatively confident – “ Make that supremely confident , ” he amended .
“ Cult leaders can ’ t show the slightest doubt.
” – about his ability to become an effective cult leader , when and if he decides to take that next step .
“ I ’ m not quite there yet , ” he said .
“ But just like the seeds I ’ ll be sowing among men @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

His survivalist instincts primed by the threat of global warming and mass pandemics, Russell Cartwright of Nashville, Tennessee, began contemplating founding his own self-sufficient society, which in turn prompted him to ponder the critical question of whether he had what it took to be an effective cult leader.
“Charisma’s not an issue,” he said. “I’ve been told I’ve got that in spades. As I see it, the only area where I might fall short is in pulling off a convincing level of authoritarianism. When you’re a cult leader, you can’t mess around.”
Cartwright went on to emphasize that, naturally, he’d be committed to his cult beyond all else, and would initially burn with righteous wrath at anyone who sought to question his authority. “The trouble is, it’s tough for me to sustain that level of fury,” he said. “I’ve never been good at holding a grudge.”
Another potential failing point, said Cartwright, is his tendency to burst into laughter while attempting to reprimand someone for breaking a rule – especially a stupid rule. “But in cults, you’ve got to take even the most mundane rules super seriously,” he noted. “Again, the authoritarianism is definitely my weak spot.”
One cult-leader component Cartwright has fully come to terms with, however, is the focus on maintaining a dignified, formal air about him. “I’d have to start going by Russell rather than Russ, which is fine,” he said. “And no more cutesy nicknames like ‘Russ in Boots.’ I can do that."
All told, “Russell” says that he feels relatively confident – “Make that supremely confident,” he amended. “Cult leaders can’t show the slightest doubt.” – about his ability to become an effective cult leader, when and if he decides to take that next step. “I’m not quite there yet,” he said. “But just like the seeds I’ll be sowing among men, I’ll grow into it.”


thespoof--2020-04-14--Kellyanne Conway Commented That Sean Hannity Wants To Be President Trump’s 2020 Running Mate Real, R

Kellyanne Conway Commented That Sean Hannity Wants To Be President Trump’s 2020 Running Mate Real, Real Bad

DETROIT – President Trump ’ s chief counselor Kellyanne Conway was in the Motor City visiting one of her sisters-in-law , Consuelo Conway .
She was asked by a reporter with the Detroit Daily Divulger about a rumor that had been making the rounds that Fox News host Sean Hannity wants to be on Trump ’ s presidential ticket .
At first Kellyanne totally denied that unfounded rumor as simply being an unfounded rumor .
When asked if she felt that Vice-President Pence could probably hurt Trump because of his alleged belief in ghosts , Big Foot , and the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ears perked up .
She said that she did not want to say to much but did say that there are those in the White House who feel that Pence is just simply a part of the furniture .
Conway said that in three and a half years she has only heard the vice-president laugh once .
And that was when Jared Kushner made a joke about Nancy Pelosi ’ s uvula .
She said that Pency laughed so hard he knocked over his cup of pink lemonade .
IN CLOSING - Mrs. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for a fact that 92 % of Trump 's base prefers Hannity over Pence .

DETROIT – President Trump’s chief counselor Kellyanne Conway was in the Motor City visiting one of her sisters-in-law, Consuelo Conway.
She was asked by a reporter with the Detroit Daily Divulger about a rumor that had been making the rounds that Fox News host Sean Hannity wants to be on Trump’s presidential ticket.
At first Kellyanne totally denied that unfounded rumor as simply being an unfounded rumor.
When asked if she felt that Vice-President Pence could probably hurt Trump because of his alleged belief in ghosts, Big Foot, and the Loch Ness Monster, Conway’s ears perked up.
She said that she did not want to say to much but did say that there are those in the White House who feel that Pence is just simply a part of the furniture.
Conway said that in three and a half years she has only heard the vice-president laugh once. And that was when Jared Kushner made a joke about Nancy Pelosi’s uvula.
She said that Pency laughed so hard he knocked over his cup of pink lemonade.
IN CLOSING - Mrs. Conway did point out that she knows for a fact that 92% of Trump's base prefers Hannity over Pence.


thespoof--2020-04-14--Bernie Sanders Endorses Joe Biden Setting The Stage For A Vicious, No-Holds-Barred, Free-For-All Cam

Bernie Sanders Endorses Joe Biden Setting The Stage For A Vicious, No-Holds-Barred, Free-For-All Campaign Against Donald Trump

NEW YORK CITY – The man known as the “ Bern ” went on live stream and endorsed the man @ @ @ @ @ Blue Collar.
” Bernie Sanders said that if he had to endure another four years @ @ @ @ @ Care presidency , he thinks that he would rather move to Iran where it ’ @ @ @ @ @ that Trump ’ s approval rating during this Coronavirus pandemic is now even lower than @ @ @ @ @ McConnell ’ s and his is even lower than Ann “ Giddy-Up ” Coulter ’ @ @ @ @ @ he had a long talk with Joe about hair , ketchup , Alexa , and @ @ @ @ @ quarterback Tom Brady .
Another thing that Biden and Sanders talked about was getting all @ @ @ @ @ show hosts to write him dozens and dozens of anti-Trump jokes .
Bernie giggled and @ @ @ @ @ would counter the comedy kings with little Scotty Baio who reportedly knows lots of jokes @ @ @ @ @ broccoli , and The Women of the KKK .

NEW YORK CITY – The man known as the “Bern” went on live stream and endorsed the man known as “Capt. Blue Collar.”
Bernie Sanders said that if he had to endure another four years of Trump’s Day Care presidency, he thinks that he would rather move to Iran where it’s peaceful.
He stated that Trump’s approval rating during this Coronavirus pandemic is now even lower than Mitch “The Turtle” McConnell’s and his is even lower than Ann “Giddy-Up” Coulter’s.
Bernie said that he had a long talk with Joe about hair, ketchup, Alexa, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers new quarterback Tom Brady.
Another thing that Biden and Sanders talked about was getting all of the late night talk show hosts to write him dozens and dozens of anti-Trump jokes.
Bernie giggled and said that no doubt Trump would counter the comedy kings with little Scotty Baio who reportedly knows lots of jokes about Attila the Hun, broccoli, and The Women of the KKK.


thespoof--2020-04-10--Rex The Wonder Dog To Join Trump's White House Coronavirus Task Force

BILLINGSGATE POST : Upon his appointment to President Trump ’ s White House Coronavirus Task Force ; an open letter from Rex the Wonder Dog to the American public : “ You ca n't imagine how proud I am to join President Trump ’ s White House Coronavirus Task Force .
When I left the U.S. Army 's K-9 Corps for Hollywood back in 1952 , it was because I saw the effect Rin Tin Tin and Lassie had on humanity .
To have President Trump mention me in the same sentence with Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx leaves me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dogs as being even more trustworthy than John Wayne , makes me want to lick my balls.
” A little background on Rex the Wonder Dog : For those of you too young to remember , Rex first appeared in The Adventures of Rex the Wonder Dog in January 1952 .
Rex is a German Shepherd who served our county valiantly in World War II .
A veteran of the Army 's K-9 Corps , after the war he was taken back home to live with the Dennis family .
Rex used his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dennis boys , Phillip , was not guilty of murder .
For many years after that , Rex and Phillip 's brother , Danny , had numerous adventures .
During that time , Rex did everything from riding a horse bareback to swinging from a vine by holding it in his teeth .
Eventually , Rex found himself getting long in the tooth and would have retired from showbiz altogether .
Fortunately for his fans , he went to Florida and met up with Bobo the Detective Chimp .
In one of their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the legendary Fountain of Youth , and drank of it .
In an instant , the two of them were returned to their prime of life and have continued their individual pursuits .
Upon learning that some animals were becoming afflicted with the Coronavirus , President Trump appointed Rex the Wonder Dog to his team of experts .
He is expected to join President Trump , Vice President Pence , Dr. Fauci and other members of the team in the daily briefings .
Slim : “ What an amazing story of fortitude and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Dude .
Makes you want to play with your little Schnauzer .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Upon his appointment to President Trump’s White House Coronavirus Task Force; an open letter from Rex the Wonder Dog to the American public:
“You can't imagine how proud I am to join President Trump’s White House Coronavirus Task Force. When I left the U.S. Army's K-9 Corps for Hollywood back in 1952, it was because I saw the effect Rin Tin Tin and Lassie had on humanity. To have President Trump mention me in the same sentence with Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx leaves me barkless. And to have him beatify dogs as being even more trustworthy than John Wayne, makes me want to lick my balls.”
A little background on Rex the Wonder Dog:
For those of you too young to remember, Rex first appeared in The Adventures of Rex the Wonder Dog in January 1952. Rex is a German Shepherd who served our county valiantly in World War II. A veteran of the Army's K-9 Corps, after the war he was taken back home to live with the Dennis family. Rex used his intelligence to help prove one of the Dennis boys, Phillip, was not guilty of murder.
For many years after that, Rex and Phillip's brother, Danny, had numerous adventures. During that time, Rex did everything from riding a horse bareback to swinging from a vine by holding it in his teeth.
Eventually, Rex found himself getting long in the tooth and would have retired from showbiz altogether. Fortunately for his fans, he went to Florida and met up with Bobo the Detective Chimp. In one of their adventures, the amazing mammals stumbled upon the legendary Fountain of Youth, and drank of it. In an instant, the two of them were returned to their prime of life and have continued their individual pursuits.
Upon learning that some animals were becoming afflicted with the Coronavirus, President Trump appointed Rex the Wonder Dog to his team of experts. He is expected to join President Trump, Vice President Pence, Dr. Fauci and other members of the team in the daily briefings.
Slim: “What an amazing story of fortitude and grit.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Makes you want to play with your little Schnauzer.”


thespoof--2020-04-11--US Long-Range Weather Forecast: Shitstorms

The unsettled weather all states of the US have been experiencing over the last few weeks looks set to continue @ @ @ @ @ Various commentators not normally associated with weather forecasting have described the conditions as `` a @ @ @ @ @ unseasonal effect has been brought on by an area of high pressure covering the whole @ @ @ @ @ packed closely together usually means storms , but the isobars have been packed close together @ @ @ @ @ any space between them , and this , in political terms , is what is @ @ @ @ @ a storm of such uncommon power , that it can destroy centuries of political balance @ @ @ @ @ all good work ever carried out by successive governments .
The eye of this storm @ @ @ @ @ above President Trump 's head .
Often , gale-force winds issue from his mouth , @ @ @ @ @ in ugly squalls .
The long-range forecast , then , for the whole of the @ @

The unsettled weather all states of the US have been experiencing over the last few weeks looks set to continue until at least November.
Various commentators not normally associated with weather forecasting have described the conditions as "a shitstorm".
This strange unseasonal effect has been brought on by an area of high pressure covering the whole of the country. Isobars packed closely together usually means storms, but the isobars have been packed so close together, that there is hardly any space between them, and this, in political terms, is what is known as a shitstorm, a storm of such uncommon power, that it can destroy centuries of political balance, and undermine any and all good work ever carried out by successive governments.
The eye of this storm is always in the area above President Trump's head.
Often, gale-force winds issue from his mouth, accompanied by incessant driving rain in ugly squalls.
The long-range forecast, then, for the whole of the USA:
Tempestuous, with frequent shitstorms.


thespoof--2020-04-09--The New Orleans Police Department Says They Will Be Changing Their 911 Number Because of The Sudden

The New Orleans Police Department Says They Will Be Changing Their 911 Number Because of The Sudden Rash of Calls

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Police Department has informed the citizenry that , due to the tremendous volume of @ @ @ @ @ receiving lately , they will be changing their 911 number .
Claude Éclair , a @ @ @ @ @ said that , in just one hour , the phone line receptionist logged a little @ @ @ @ @ disclosed that of those , a total of 311,979 were Coronavirus related , 8 were @ @ @ @ @ season tickets , 7 were wanting the recipe to Shrimp Etouffee , 4 asked what @ @ @ @ @ and a crocodile was , and 2 were just some perverts breathing heavily .
Mr. @ @ @ @ @ heavy breathing perverts have both been tracked down and arrested .
He added that Ida @ @ @ @ @ and her 37-year-old son Willie Wally Boudreaux will be spending 30 days in the New @ @ @ @ @ the citizens of the `` Big Easy '' to know that the new number which @ @ @ @ @ .

NEW ORLEANS – The New Orleans Police Department has informed the citizenry that, due to the tremendous volume of C-19 calls they have been receiving lately, they will be changing their 911 number.
Claude Éclair, a spokesperson for the NOPD, said that, in just one hour, the phone line receptionist logged a little over 312,000 calls.
He disclosed that of those, a total of 311,979 were Coronavirus related, 8 were asking about New Orleans Saints season tickets, 7 were wanting the recipe to Shrimp Etouffee, 4 asked what the difference between an alligator and a crocodile was, and 2 were just some perverts breathing heavily.
Mr. Éclair said that the two heavy breathing perverts have both been tracked down and arrested. He added that Ida Giselle Boudreaux, 53, and her 37-year-old son Willie Wally Boudreaux will be spending 30 days in the New Orleans jailhouse.
Éclair wanted the citizens of the "Big Easy" to know that the new number which is replacing 911 is 3207102296.


thespoof--2020-04-08--Nashville Woman Encouraged to Learn Obesity Alone Does Not Appear to Increase Risk for COVID-19 Mort

Nashville Woman Encouraged to Learn Obesity Alone Does Not Appear to Increase Risk for COVID-19 Mortality

Given that almost all of those who die from COVID-19 have at least one comorbidity factor like hypertension or diabetes , self-describedly “ curvy ” Meghan Cantwell of Nashville , Tennessee , was extremely encouraged to learn that some research suggests that obesity alone , without an additional accompanying risk factor , does not seem to raise the risk of coronavirus death .
“ That information came as such a relief , ” said 33-year-old Meghan , who recently learned that her cousin Donald in Kentucky has tested positive for COVID-19 .
“ Thanks to medication , my blood pressure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m only prediabetic , so I should be good.
” Even so , said Meghan , just to be safe , she has been steadfastly quarantining herself at home , and dons a face mask and gloves on the few occasions she ’ s been required to go outside , such as to check the mail .
“ Donald sometimes sends me postcards from Kentucky , and there ’ s no telling how long the virus can last on glossy surfaces , ” she noted .
The bottom line , says @ @ @ @ @ @ @ COVID-19 has brought home to her that , more than anything , her health must come first .
`` Pandemics like this are a great time to reevaluate priorities , '' she said .
`` Even after this is over , I plan to keep having my food delivered and continue in my other healthy habits . ''

Given that almost all of those who die from COVID-19 have at least one comorbidity factor like hypertension or diabetes, self-describedly “curvy” Meghan Cantwell of Nashville, Tennessee, was extremely encouraged to learn that some research suggests that obesity alone, without an additional accompanying risk factor, does not seem to raise the risk of coronavirus death.
“That information came as such a relief,” said 33-year-old Meghan, who recently learned that her cousin Donald in Kentucky has tested positive for COVID-19. “Thanks to medication, my blood pressure is perfect. And at this point I’m only prediabetic, so I should be good.”
Even so, said Meghan, just to be safe, she has been steadfastly quarantining herself at home, and dons a face mask and gloves on the few occasions she’s been required to go outside, such as to check the mail. “Donald sometimes sends me postcards from Kentucky, and there’s no telling how long the virus can last on glossy surfaces,” she noted.
The bottom line, says Meghan, is that the panic over COVID-19 has brought home to her that, more than anything, her health must come first. "Pandemics like this are a great time to reevaluate priorities," she said. "Even after this is over, I plan to keep having my food delivered and continue in my other healthy habits."


thespoof--2020-04-09--Husband Seeks to Divorce His Wife Because of Her Addiction To Hostess Twinkies

JOPLIN , Missouri – In what is being touted as one of the strangest divorces in recent memory , Harry Blixenpip has decided to divorce his wife of 17 years , Winnie Blixenpip .
Harry revealed that he just got fed up with arguing with his wife about her uncontrollable addiction to Hostess Twinkies .
The country music fiddle player said that his wife got up to a 45-Twinkies-per-day habit .
He revealed that he has found her stash of Twinkies hidden underneath her pillow , in the dirty clothes hamper , and even in her panties ; while she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she hid the Twinkies in her panties only twice , and one of the times it was really only half of a Twinkie .
Harry said that the final straw was when he found 13 Twinkies that Winnie had hidden in the washing machine .
He did point out that they went to a food addiction therapist , and she suggested to Harry that he forcibly stick a Twinkie in each of Winnie ’ s nostrils , and that could possibly cure her addiction .
Harry remarked that he was afraid of Winnie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ just opt for getting a divorce .

JOPLIN, Missouri – In what is being touted as one of the strangest divorces in recent memory, Harry Blixenpip has decided to divorce his wife of 17 years, Winnie Blixenpip.
Harry revealed that he just got fed up with arguing with his wife about her uncontrollable addiction to Hostess Twinkies.
The country music fiddle player said that his wife got up to a 45-Twinkies-per-day habit.
He revealed that he has found her stash of Twinkies hidden underneath her pillow, in the dirty clothes hamper, and even in her panties; while she was wearing them.
Winnie said that she hid the Twinkies in her panties only twice, and one of the times it was really only half of a Twinkie.
Harry said that the final straw was when he found 13 Twinkies that Winnie had hidden in the washing machine.
He did point out that they went to a food addiction therapist, and she suggested to Harry that he forcibly stick a Twinkie in each of Winnie’s nostrils, and that could possibly cure her addiction.
Harry remarked that he was afraid of Winnie biting him, so he would rather just opt for getting a divorce.


thespoof--2020-04-09--AG Barr Suggests an End to the Coronavirus Lockdown

Earlier today , the Attorney General of the United States , aka another one of President Trump 's stooges , @ @ @ @ @ `` draconian '' measures being taken to slow the spread of the coronavirus .
The @ @ @ @ @ for human life , as this decision would stop the measures in place used by @ @ @ @ @ from their own decisions .
Not only is this thinking errant , but the idea @ @ @ @ @ period would result in death .
Our government allows people to drive cars and drink @ @ @ @ @ .
This should not be the case , as these are leading causes of death @ @ @ @ @ of diabetes ) .
We can save lives by implementing more regulation , banning soft @ @ @ @ @ letting the American people know that it is lunacy that they are allowed to make @ @ @ @ @ next , a story on how Donald Trump is responsible for the sinking of the @ @

Earlier today, the Attorney General of the United States, aka another one of President Trump's stooges, suggested a repeal of the "draconian" measures being taken to slow the spread of the coronavirus. The AG clearly has little regard for human life, as this decision would stop the measures in place used by local governments to protect people from their own decisions.
Not only is this thinking errant, but the idea of a return to normalcy period would result in death. Our government allows people to drive cars and drink 44 oz. soft drinks. This should not be the case, as these are leading causes of death (car accidents and complications of diabetes). We can save lives by implementing more regulation, banning soft drinks and cars, and letting the American people know that it is lunacy that they are allowed to make their own decisions.
Up next, a story on how Donald Trump is responsible for the sinking of the Titanic.


thespoof--2020-04-09--Washington Examiner Editor Loses Head Up His Ass

Washington D.C. - Emergency room doctors and nurses were extremely disturbed by a non-Covid-19 patient who turned out to be @ @ @ @ @ Washington Examiner .
After publishing recent lies about Joe Biden in an op-ed , the @ @ @ @ @ blindness .
Upon reaching the Editor at his bung-galow , a medical team determined his @ @ @ @ @ his ass .
`` It was truly amazing , '' said an EMT on condition @ @ @ @ @ only sign of his head was his ponytail resting on his neck .
I was @ @ @ @ @ seen a conservative with a ponytail before . ''
At the hospital , overworked doctors @ @ @ @ @ in a room in the basement to await an operation .
`` We do n't @ @ @ @ @ right now , '' said the chief surgeon on duty , `` we have people @ @ @ @ @ line for something this asshole has done nothing about except spew garbage . ''
Washington @ @ @ @ @ and did not return our calls to spontaneously combust .

Washington D.C. - Emergency room doctors and nurses were extremely disturbed by a non-Covid-19 patient who turned out to be a Chief Editor at the Washington Examiner. After publishing recent lies about Joe Biden in an op-ed, the Editor phoned 911 complaining about blindness. Upon reaching the Editor at his bung-galow, a medical team determined his head was completely inserted up his ass.
"It was truly amazing," said an EMT on condition of anonymity, "The only sign of his head was his ponytail resting on his neck. I was shocked cuz I've never seen a conservative with a ponytail before."
At the hospital, overworked doctors ordered him to be placed in a room in the basement to await an operation. "We don't have time for this crap right now," said the chief surgeon on duty, "we have people with their lives on the line for something this asshole has done nothing about except spew garbage."
Washington Examiner spokespersons refused comment, and did not return our calls to spontaneously combust.


thespoof--2020-04-09--Nashville Man Becomes Unstoppable After Eating Raw Beet

“ I reign supreme !
” crowed Ben Lansing of Nashville , Tennessee , reveling in a bout of unstoppability that overcame him after eating a raw beet .
“ Beet that ! ''
he quipped .
Packed with essential nutrients and inorganic nitrates which reduce inflammation and lower blood pressure , beets have long been considered a “ super food.
” They ’ ve even been shown to improve cycling and athletic performance , and to increase oxygen use by up to 20 percent – a fact Lansing singlehandedly verified by voluntarily and impulsively sprinting up a hill at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me I was just a blur , ” he said .
“ That 's anecdotal evidence , of course , but take it for what it ’ s worth.
” Overall , `` crunchy , sweet , purple , and amazing ” was Lansing ’ s summary of his raw-beet-eating experiment – one which he says he intends to replicate regularly , in light of the world panic over COVID-19 .
`` I could physically feel the boost in my immunity , '' he said .
“ Screw face masks !
For me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at .
”

“I reign supreme!” crowed Ben Lansing of Nashville, Tennessee, reveling in a bout of unstoppability that overcame him after eating a raw beet. “Beet that!" he quipped.
Packed with essential nutrients and inorganic nitrates which reduce inflammation and lower blood pressure, beets have long been considered a “super food.” They’ve even been shown to improve cycling and athletic performance, and to increase oxygen use by up to 20 percent – a fact Lansing singlehandedly verified by voluntarily and impulsively sprinting up a hill at lightning speed.
“People watching told me I was just a blur,” he said. “That's anecdotal evidence, of course, but take it for what it’s worth.”
Overall, "crunchy, sweet, purple, and amazing” was Lansing’s summary of his raw-beet-eating experiment – one which he says he intends to replicate regularly, in light of the world panic over COVID-19.
"I could physically feel the boost in my immunity," he said. “Screw face masks! For me, beets are where it’s at.”