thespoof--2020-04-03--Laredo, Texas Has Just Passed The Strictest Coronavirus Medical Mask Law in the Entire Nation

LAREDO , Texas – The city known as “ La Queen on the Rio Grande ” has just passed a law that has a lot of its residents yelling out just about every curse word in the book , both in English and in Spanish .
Laredo Chief of Police , Paquito “ El Torito ” Mariachi , has just advised the citizenry of the city council ’ s new law .
He told a reporter with the Laredo Pinata-Chronicle that anyone between the ages of two weeks and 103 years old , who is seen on the streets of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will be arrested , put in jail , and fined $ 978 plus tax , and a jail service fee of $ 21.50 .
When the chief was told that no other city anywhere in the United States had such a harsh penalty , Chief Mariachi replied , “ I don ’ t give a chupacabra ’ s ass about that.
” He went on , “ We , here in Laredo , are proud of our Spanish , Mexican , French , and Czechoslovakian heritage , and we don ’ t give @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the Big Apple , the Windy City , or the Sex Toy City do or don ’ t do.
” When asked which city is known as the Sex Toy City , the chief laughed , and told the reporter to Google it , or else go ask any prostitute working the downtown area .
[ WRITER ’ S NOTE – I was curious , so I googled it and the city that is known as The Sex Toy City is Waterloo , Iowa . ]

LAREDO, Texas – The city known as “La Queen on the Rio Grande” has just passed a law that has a lot of its residents yelling out just about every curse word in the book, both in English and in Spanish.
Laredo Chief of Police, Paquito “El Torito” Mariachi, has just advised the citizenry of the city council’s new law.
He told a reporter with the Laredo Pinata-Chronicle that anyone between the ages of two weeks and 103 years old, who is seen on the streets of Laredo without a protective medical mask, will be arrested, put in jail, and fined $978 plus tax, and a jail service fee of $21.50.
When the chief was told that no other city anywhere in the United States had such a harsh penalty, Chief Mariachi replied, “I don’t give a chupacabra’s ass about that.”
He went on, “We, here in Laredo, are proud of our Spanish, Mexican, French, and Czechoslovakian heritage, and we don’t give a tinker’s damn what people in the Big Apple, the Windy City, or the Sex Toy City do or don’t do.”
When asked which city is known as the Sex Toy City, the chief laughed, and told the reporter to Google it, or else go ask any prostitute working the downtown area.
[WRITER’S NOTE – I was curious, so I googled it and the city that is known as The Sex Toy City is Waterloo, Iowa.]


thespoof--2020-04-03--The New England Patriots Plane Travels To China and Returns with N95 Medical Masks, Fortune Cookies,

The New England Patriots Plane Travels To China and Returns with N95 Medical Masks, Fortune Cookies, and Frozen Crab Rangoon Dinners

BOSTON – New England Patriots owner , Robert Kraft , is being hailed as a hero in his home state of Massachusetts , the birth state of Paul Revere , Edgar Allan Poe , and Tarzan .
The Boston Addresser-Chronicle reports that Kraft talked to Chinese leader , Xi Jinping , and after 17 minutes , the two were able to work out a trade deal .
Kraft stated that China would be sending 1.1 million N95 medical masks , along with 2.7 million fortune cookies , and 310,000 individual servings of Crab Rangoon Frozen Dinners to the United States @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would be sending China 193,000 bottles of Kraft Thousand Island Dressing , 8,000 blocks of Kraft Cheese the size of car batteries , and the extremely secretive ingredients that go into making Coca Cola .
Kraft , who had a bit of a masseuse issue , not too long ago , said that he feels that this trade deal is a win-win proposition for all involved , including his live-in girlfriend Lolita “ Yum-Yum ” Yamaguchi , 27 .
The Patriots owner was asked if he is still upset that Tom Brady left @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Tampa Bay .
The 78-year-old Kraft shook his head , and simply replied , “ If I ’ m being honest , I 'd have to say that I miss Gisele much more than I miss Tommy.
” Tom ’ s wife Gisele Bundchen-Brady , was , in 2016 , voted the second prettiest NFL football wife on the ‘ right coast ’ .

BOSTON – New England Patriots owner, Robert Kraft, is being hailed as a hero in his home state of Massachusetts, the birth state of Paul Revere, Edgar Allan Poe, and Tarzan.
The Boston Addresser-Chronicle reports that Kraft talked to Chinese leader, Xi Jinping, and after 17 minutes, the two were able to work out a trade deal.
Kraft stated that China would be sending 1.1 million N95 medical masks, along with 2.7 million fortune cookies, and 310,000 individual servings of Crab Rangoon Frozen Dinners to the United States.
And, in return, Kraft would be sending China 193,000 bottles of Kraft Thousand Island Dressing, 8,000 blocks of Kraft Cheese the size of car batteries, and the extremely secretive ingredients that go into making Coca Cola.
Kraft, who had a bit of a masseuse issue, not too long ago, said that he feels that this trade deal is a win-win proposition for all involved, including his live-in girlfriend Lolita “Yum-Yum” Yamaguchi, 27.
The Patriots owner was asked if he is still upset that Tom Brady left for greener and more sunny pastures in Tampa Bay.
The 78-year-old Kraft shook his head, and simply replied, “If I’m being honest, I'd have to say that I miss Gisele much more than I miss Tommy.”
Tom’s wife Gisele Bundchen-Brady, was, in 2016, voted the second prettiest NFL football wife on the ‘right coast’.


thespoof--2020-04-03--Connecticut To Limit Social Gatherings to Only Two People (But Both Must Be Married and To Each Othe

Connecticut To Limit Social Gatherings to Only Two People (But Both Must Be Married and To Each Other)

HARTFORD , Connecticut – The governor , acting on thousands of emails , text messages , phone calls , and a suggestion from his mother-in-law , has just implemented a new social gathering manifesto .
He said that , effective at 12:25 am , he will be limiting public social gatherings to just two individuals of the opposite sex .
The governor stressed that those two individuals must be married .
He then added that they will be required to have some sort of identification that proves that the two are , in fact , married to each other .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ is found to be not married , both culprits ( his word ) will be frisked , handcuffed , put in the back of a squad car , and hauled off to the nearest Police Station , no matter how much of a bribe they offer the arresting officer .
The governor said that this new public social gathering policy will not only help to make everyone safe , it will also deliver a blow to the vast amount of Connecticut citizens who are cheating on their spouses .
One highly-respected injury lawyer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ informed the governor that his ruling could border on defying the habeas corpus-ipso facto clause .
The governor paused for a moment and replied , “ Hey , ‘ Ouchy ’ , habeas corpus-ipso facto this !
”

HARTFORD, Connecticut – The governor, acting on thousands of emails, text messages, phone calls, and a suggestion from his mother-in-law, has just implemented a new social gathering manifesto.
He said that, effective at 12:25 am, he will be limiting public social gatherings to just two individuals of the opposite sex.
The governor stressed that those two individuals must be married. He then added that they will be required to have some sort of identification that proves that the two are, in fact, married to each other.
He stressed that, if a couple is found to be not married, both culprits (his word) will be frisked, handcuffed, put in the back of a squad car, and hauled off to the nearest Police Station, no matter how much of a bribe they offer the arresting officer.
The governor said that this new public social gathering policy will not only help to make everyone safe, it will also deliver a blow to the vast amount of Connecticut citizens who are cheating on their spouses.
One highly-respected injury lawyer, Perry “Ouch” Grubbinski, informed the governor that his ruling could border on defying the habeas corpus-ipso facto clause.
The governor paused for a moment and replied, “Hey, ‘Ouchy’, habeas corpus-ipso facto this!”


thespoof--2020-04-04--Trump Overrules Navy, Returns Captain to Carrier

The Pentagon , Washington , D. C. Special to The Spoof .
President Donald Trump today overruled the Navy and @ @ @ @ @ of the virus-beleaguered aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt .
Trump 's terse announcement was that Crozier @ @ @ @ @ all the brass at naval headquarters .
Crozier had been relieved of command for exercising @ @ @ @ @ sending copies of his plea that his crew be taken ashore ASAP , as the @ @ @ @ @ man to man .
Nearly a hundred sailors among the 5000 aboard the T. R. @ @ @ @ @ , who had left the ship amid an uproarious well-wishing from his crew , was @ @ @ @ @ .
Acting Navy Secretary , Thomas Modly , who had dismissed Crozier , had no @ @ @ @ @ Spoof ?
Trump only overrules the Pentagon and the courts when they 've made the @ @ @

The Pentagon, Washington, D. C. Special to The Spoof. President Donald Trump today overruled the Navy and reinstated Brett Crozier as captain of the virus-beleaguered aircraft carrier Theodore Roosevelt. Trump's terse announcement was that Crozier had shown more sense than all the brass at naval headquarters.
Crozier had been relieved of command for exercising "poor judgment" by sending copies of his plea that his crew be taken ashore ASAP, as the coronavirus was rapidly spreading from man to man. Nearly a hundred sailors among the 5000 aboard the T. R. had already become ill.
Crozier, who had left the ship amid an uproarious well-wishing from his crew, was back on the Roosevelt tonight. Acting Navy Secretary, Thomas Modly, who had dismissed Crozier, had no comment.
Where's the Spoof? Trump only overrules the Pentagon and the courts when they've made the right decision.


thespoof--2020-04-03--Joe Biden Reveals Action Items for His Expected Presidency

In an exclusive interview with Dork Jiggleflab of the Wilmington , DE , “ Credit Card Extortion Daily News , ” candidate ‘ Sleepy Joe ’ Biden roused himself from a morning nap long enough to outline some of the key actions he ’ ll take when he assumes the mantle of “ Leader of the Free World.
” Presented below are just some key highlights : “ Firstly , I ’ ll change the office title to somethun that , you know , man , better suits my macho profile…Thinking like , ‘ His Excellency , Rambo-Dude ’ ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to do a law decriminalizing the smoking of leather straps from old guys ’ slippers .
Yeah , my buds at the K. of C. want that !
” “ One priority is to sign an executive order for an archeological dig on the White House lawn to retrieve ‘ Cajun ’ Carville ’ s toupee .
‘ Stead of vacation , ‘ Cajun ’ ‘ n ’ me are going to do the latest version of Lethal Weapon XIII with me in black-face…always wanted to do that !
” “ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Uncle Jo-Jo ’ s Commutin ’ Caboose ’ ….And my sister will be exclusively handling all ticket purchase concessions .
“ When on state visits to France , I ’ ve already scored a gig teachin ’ Pig Latin at the Sorbonne .
Who sez I ain ’ t got smarts ?
!
?
” “ I ’ ll be immediately removing all U.S .
Forces from the Western Pacific , ceding all territory to Commie China under a treaty to name the region ‘ Uncle Jo-Jo ’ s South China Sea Water @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will be Illustrious Governor-for-Life.
” “ And last , but not least , I ’ ll be emptying that Cuban facility so all its residents can be my White House security detail… ‘ n ’ I ’ m gon na sell it to my defeated opponent .
Dig it , man , TRUMP GUANTANIMO !
”

In an exclusive interview with Dork Jiggleflab of the Wilmington, DE, “Credit Card Extortion Daily News,” candidate ‘Sleepy Joe’ Biden roused himself from a morning nap long enough to outline some of the key actions he’ll take when he assumes the mantle of “Leader of the Free World.”
Presented below are just some key highlights:
“Firstly, I’ll change the office title to somethun that, you know, man, better suits my macho profile…Thinking like, ‘His Excellency, Rambo-Dude’”.
“I’ll force Congress to do a law decriminalizing the smoking of leather straps from old guys’ slippers. Yeah, my buds at the K. of C. want that!”
“One priority is to sign an executive order for an archeological dig on the White House lawn to retrieve ‘Cajun’ Carville’s toupee. ‘Stead of vacation, ‘Cajun’ ‘n’ me are going to do the latest version of Lethal Weapon XIII with me in black-face…always wanted to do that!”
“I’m gonna rename Amtrak as ‘Uncle Jo-Jo’s Commutin’ Caboose’….And my sister will be exclusively handling all ticket purchase concessions.
“When on state visits to France, I’ve already scored a gig teachin’ Pig Latin at the Sorbonne. Who sez I ain’t got smarts?!?”
“I’ll be immediately removing all U.S. Forces from the Western Pacific, ceding all territory to Commie China under a treaty to name the region ‘Uncle Jo-Jo’s South China Sea Water Park,’ … ‘Course Hunter will be Illustrious Governor-for-Life.”
“ObamaCare, SchlabamaCare….Bi-BiCare for all!”
“And last, but not least, I’ll be emptying that Cuban facility so all its residents can be my White House security detail… ‘n’ I’m gonna sell it to my defeated opponent. Dig it, man, TRUMP GUANTANIMO!”