thespoof--2020-08-05--Trump comments on world affairs with FOX News on the golf course in Virginia

Last weekend , FOX News caught up with Mr. Trump and his entourage on the front nine of one of Mr. Trump 's golf courses .
Mr. President : Look , a three wood 's not a driver , okay ?
I got at least 175 yards out of that .
Nice arc , am I right ?
Mr. President : Not bad , not bad .
Now what is it you wanted to ask me ?
FOX : How would you say things are going for the nation at this point , sir , with the economy and all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is with all these pansy commie governors and mayors out west .
Now , how about that !
FOX : But into that clump of woods , though .
That 's OB , I believe .
Mr. President : Entourage , am I out of bounds ?
Entourage : There is no OB for the president , sir .
Executive privilege .
Mr. President : And , you know , there 's also executive order .
Now let me tell you -- Entourage : This is a par three hole , Mr. President @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mr. President : I 'm working on executive orders to stop mail-in ballots in Nevada—in fact , stop mail-ins for all the states -- let 'em get in line as usual ; I 'm also gon na ban TikTok ; take away the payroll tax ; bring fairness to Big Tech -- ” Mr. President : You saw that , I hope !
Damn close to a hole in one !
FOX : You hit the stick and bounced away , Mr. President .
Fourteen feet .
Think you can nail it ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ of these three putt greens !
Entourage : Four putts on the last par three , Mr. President .
Mr. President : And let me tell you something else .
I will use executive order to cancel the election !
I need another shot !
FOX : Like taking a mulligan , you mean ?
Mr. President : Damn right !
It will take me another four years so we can deal with China , Iran , Afghanistan , Germany , and all the rest .
Mr. President : I love it !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ go wild !

Last weekend, FOX News caught up with Mr. Trump and his entourage on the front nine of one of Mr. Trump's golf courses.
FOX: Nice shot, sir! Bit of a blooper tho.
Mr. President: Look, a three wood's not a driver, okay? I got at least 175 yards out of that. Nice arc, am I right?
Entourage: One sixty two, sir.
Mr. President: Not bad, not bad. Now what is it you wanted to ask me?
FOX: How would you say things are going for the nation at this point, sir, with the economy and all?
Mr. President: The main problem is with all these pansy commie governors and mayors out west. Now, how about that!
FOX: Nice hook, sir.
Mr. President: A hook always brings more yards.
FOX: But into that clump of woods, though. That's OB, I believe.
Mr. President: Entourage, am I out of bounds?
Entourage: There is no OB for the president, sir. Executive privilege.
Mr. President: And, you know, there's also executive order. Now let me tell you--
Entourage: This is a par three hole, Mr. President. Don't use your driver.
Mr. President: I'm working on executive orders to stop mail-in ballots in Nevada—in fact, stop mail-ins for all the states--let 'em get in line as usual; I'm also gonna ban TikTok; take away the payroll tax; bring fairness to Big Tech--”
Entourage: Wow, Mr. President. Good one!
Mr. President: You saw that, I hope! Damn close to a hole in one!
FOX: You hit the stick and bounced away, Mr. President. Fourteen feet. Think you can nail it?
Mr. President: Damn right! Enough of these three putt greens!
Entourage: Four putts on the last par three, Mr. President.
Mr. President: And let me tell you something else. I will use executive order to cancel the election! I need another shot!
FOX: Like taking a mulligan, you mean?
Mr. President: Damn right! It will take me another four years so we can deal with China, Iran, Afghanistan, Germany, and all the rest.
Entourage: Wrong tee box, Mr. President. You're now on hole number ten.
Mr. President: I love it! The mulligan presidency! My base will go wild!


thespoof--2020-08-05--Gates, Birx, Fauci interview draws audience of millions and new Government Confidence Rating

Breaking : CBS has just released a new broad interview with top US health authorities on the current coronavirus pandemic .
The interview promises `` aggressive reporting , '' in the VCGS ( Viewer Confidence in Government Services ) series .
Following each program , viewers are surveyed to indicate rising or falling confidence .
CBS : Mr. Gates , we are hearing about side-effects with the coming vaccine .
How serious are these ?
Gates : Side effects ?
Well , you know , er , ah ah ah -- a little fever , a little , er , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deaths here and there , ah , ah -- .
Gates : Ah , er , we 're trying for 95 % effective , that 's for 7.8 billion people , leaving what ?
A few , er er million at risk you see.. CBS : And Big Pharma will have indemnity , is that right ?
Complete protection against being sued ?
Gates : Well , I mean , we 've got to have .
.
.
Look , it 's like traffic .
You drive , you 're taking a risk @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me tell you , Bill , we 're gon na need to extend the PPE .
The eyes are vulnerable , so we 're gon na need goggles too !
CBS : The eyes , Ms. Birx ?
Is there a new problem ?
Birx : Glad you asked that !
Not only mouth and nose and eyes but we 're gon na need to cover the ears !
Birx : Bill , maybe you know something about this ?
A new virus , the Mesmer-26 , part of the corona family , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Enters the ears !
Gates : Well , er , I mean , I do n't know , possibly ah .
.
.
Birx : Like a mosquito !
Except you do n't hear it !
Fauci : Let me get into this , Now I 've been asked about limiting protest crowds , so I 've given this a lot of thought .
And baseball ?
You 've got nine players on the field , plus benches , umpires , coaches .
Now that 's a crowd !
And they are rushing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ !
CBS : You mean , sir , in a moment of exuberance when something exciting has happened ?
Fauci : Exactly !
Spittle flying everywhere , you 'd better believe it !
And not wearing masks or social distancing !
Especially at home plate !
CBS : But what is this we 're hearing about the death rate flattening , it 's going away , all these doctors coming forward -- Guests in unison : Nonsense !
Second , third , and fourth waves !
On the way !
You 'd better @ @ @ @ @ @ @ CBS announced viewer approval ratings rose from 13 % to 16 % on the VCGS index .

Breaking: CBS has just released a new broad interview with top US health authorities on the current coronavirus pandemic.
The interview promises "aggressive reporting," in the VCGS (Viewer Confidence in Government Services) series.
Following each program, viewers are surveyed to indicate rising or falling confidence.
The interview begins with Mr. Gates:
CBS: Mr. Gates, we are hearing about side-effects with the coming vaccine. How serious are these?
Gates: Side effects? Well, you know, er, ah ah ah--a little fever, a little, er, diarrhea, ah, pneumonia, some deaths here and there, ah, ah--.
CBS: Deaths?
Gates: Ah, er, we're trying for 95% effective, that's for 7.8 billion people, leaving what? A few, er er million at risk you see..
CBS: And Big Pharma will have indemnity, is that right? Complete protection against being sued?
Gates: Well, I mean, we've got to have . . . Look, it's like traffic. You drive, you're taking a risk, right?
(Ms. Birx at this point jumps in.)
Birx: And let me tell you, Bill, we're gonna need to extend the PPE. The eyes are vulnerable, so we're gonna need goggles too!
CBS: The eyes, Ms. Birx? Is there a new problem?
Birx: Glad you asked that! Not only mouth and nose and eyes but we're gonna need to cover the ears!
CBS: The ears?
Birx: Bill, maybe you know something about this? A new virus, the Mesmer-26, part of the corona family, possibly a bastard relative ha ha! Enters the ears!
Gates: Well, er, I mean, I don't know, possibly ah . . .
Birx: Like a mosquito! Except you don't hear it!
(Mr. Fauci at this point jumps in.)
Fauci: Let me get into this, Now I've been asked about limiting protest crowds, so I've given this a lot of thought. And baseball? You've got nine players on the field, plus benches, umpires, coaches. Now that's a crowd! And they are rushing up to each other and banging elbows!
CBS: You mean, sir, in a moment of exuberance when something exciting has happened?
Fauci: Exactly! Spittle flying everywhere, you'd better believe it! And not wearing masks or social distancing! Especially at home plate!
CBS: But what is this we're hearing about the death rate flattening, it's going away, all these doctors coming forward--
Guests in unison: Nonsense! Second, third, and fourth waves! On the way! You'd better believe it!
After the program, CBS announced viewer approval ratings rose from 13% to 16% on the VCGS index.


thespoof--2020-08-05--Indians Caught Plotting to Take-over America

The White House has just uncovered a plot to overpower our great nation .
It is the Indians .
No , not the red ones , but the brown ones .
As a consequence , the national threat level has been raised to Brown .
While the country remains polarized by the racial violence between the White and the Black factions , the Browns have been caught planning a stealth attack .
The FBI has identified a terrorist organization , Brown Uprising for Racial Purity ( BURP ) , behind the plot .
They were nabbed at a cola factory @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it appears that the sinister plot was hatched more than 600 years ago .
A group of Brown Indians pranked Christopher Columbus into believing that the natives he found in America were Indians .
In India , they continue to celebrate this event every year with firecrackers and lamps .
Commenting on the terrifying discovery , a highly-placed source in the NSA who wishes to remain anonymous , said , “ Through their illegal habit of Hindu Rebirth , that original group of browns has continued to outmanoeuvre races of all other @ @ @ @ @ @ @ $ # Indians get reborn and just pick up from where they had left off.
” While we were dumping tea in the Boston harbour , the Indians brought ganja ( cannabis ) to America via Jamaica .
In the freshly declassified papers , it has been established that Bob Marley was an Indian asset .
The song ‘ Buffalo soldier ’ was a direct reference to the style of guerilla warfare preferred by the Indians .
Records indicate that once the Indians arrived in America , they dispersed better than our Witness @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 7-11s , motels and gas stations as part of their deep cover strategy .
They have spent centuries meticulously studying white customs and black resistance .
While they publicly win Spelling Bee contests , on the sly , they have been accumulating PhDs in Quantum Physics and Computer Engineering .
Many of them are now working undercover as CEOs of top tech companies on NASDAQ .
Subversive pamphlets found at the locations of these terrorist organizations carry slogans like “ The future is Brown ” and “ In 100 years , there ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in everyone.
” When contacted , both Charlie Brown and Le Brown James refused to comment on this story .

The White House has just uncovered a plot to overpower our great nation. It is the Indians. No, not the red ones, but the brown ones. As a consequence, the national threat level has been raised to Brown.
While the country remains polarized by the racial violence between the White and the Black factions, the Browns have been caught planning a stealth attack.
The FBI has identified a terrorist organization, Brown Uprising for Racial Purity (BURP), behind the plot. They were nabbed at a cola factory in Atlanta.
According to documents uncovered, it appears that the sinister plot was hatched more than 600 years ago. A group of Brown Indians pranked Christopher Columbus into believing that the natives he found in America were Indians. In India, they continue to celebrate this event every year with firecrackers and lamps.
Commenting on the terrifying discovery, a highly-placed source in the NSA who wishes to remain anonymous, said, “Through their illegal habit of Hindu Rebirth, that original group of browns has continued to outmanoeuvre races of all other colors systematically. These *&%$# Indians get reborn and just pick up from where they had left off.”
While we were dumping tea in the Boston harbour, the Indians brought ganja(cannabis) to America via Jamaica. In the freshly declassified papers, it has been established that Bob Marley was an Indian asset. The song ‘Buffalo soldier’ was a direct reference to the style of guerilla warfare preferred by the Indians.
Records indicate that once the Indians arrived in America, they dispersed better than our Witness Protection program. They covertly set up 7-11s, motels and gas stations as part of their deep cover strategy.
They have spent centuries meticulously studying white customs and black resistance. While they publicly win Spelling Bee contests, on the sly, they have been accumulating PhDs in Quantum Physics and Computer Engineering. Many of them are now working undercover as CEOs of top tech companies on NASDAQ.
Subversive pamphlets found at the locations of these terrorist organizations carry slogans like “The future is Brown” and “In 100 years, there’ll be a little bit of Indian in everyone.”
When contacted, both Charlie Brown and Le Brown James refused to comment on this story.


thespoof--2020-08-05--Hope Hicks Denies That She Is Pregnant With President Trump’s Baby

CHICAGO – ( Fake News ) - Former White House communications director Hope Hicks was visiting the Windy City , where she had an appointment with her gynecologist .
All week the news media has been speculating that Miss Hicks may be with child .
And the child ’ s daddy could allegedly be none other than the “ Grabber-in-Chief ” , Donald J. Trump .
It is no secret that DJT has never salivated over another woman the way he does over Hope Hicks , who , it can not be denied , is a very beautiful woman .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that was taken of 47 male White House staffers , Hope was named the most beautiful and sexiest woman in the White House .
Hicks beat out Ivanka Trump , Melania Trump , and Kimberly Guilfoyle , by , as they say down in West Texas , a country mile .
Hope told reporters that she is not pregnant with Trump ’ s baby or anyone else ’ s baby , including Corey Lewandowski , Steve Bannon , Rob Porter , and Mike Pence .
When the President was asked if Hope was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ replied that it ’ s yet another hoax , another never-ending witch hunt , and some more colluded collusion .
He then asked if it was a boy or girl .

CHICAGO – (Fake News) - Former White House communications director Hope Hicks was visiting the Windy City, where she had an appointment with her gynecologist.
All week the news media has been speculating that Miss Hicks may be with child. And the child’s daddy could allegedly be none other than the “Grabber-in-Chief”, Donald J. Trump.
It is no secret that DJT has never salivated over another woman the way he does over Hope Hicks, who, it cannot be denied, is a very beautiful woman.
In fact, in an unofficial poll that was taken of 47 male White House staffers, Hope was named the most beautiful and sexiest woman in the White House.
Hicks beat out Ivanka Trump, Melania Trump, and Kimberly Guilfoyle, by, as they say down in West Texas, a country mile.
Hope told reporters that she is not pregnant with Trump’s baby or anyone else’s baby, including Corey Lewandowski, Steve Bannon, Rob Porter, and Mike Pence.
When the President was asked if Hope was having his baby, he smiled and replied that it’s yet another hoax, another never-ending witch hunt, and some more colluded collusion.
He then asked if it was a boy or girl.


thespoof--2020-08-05--President Trump Has Cancelled His Scheduled Campaign Rally in Alabama

TATER TOT , Alabama – ( Political Satire ) - A representative with the Trump Campaign Rally Committee has informed @ @ @ @ @ planned pep rally in Tater Tot has been cancelled .
The pep rally was to @ @ @ @ @ Governor George Corley Wallace Convention Hall , but due to the air conditioner going out @ @ @ @ @ cancelled .
The janitor of the hall says that , without the A/C , the @ @ @ @ @ get up to 113 degrees .
The event was sponsored by the Grand Exalted Alabama @ @ @ @ @ the Blooming Begonia Chapter of the Ku Klux Klan .
A spokesperson for the group @ @ @ @ @ issue all of those who had purchased $ 8 tickets a gift certificate in that @ @ @ @ @ used at either one of the two local Piggly Wiggly Grocery Stores in Tater Tot @

TATER TOT, Alabama – (Political Satire) - A representative with the Trump Campaign Rally Committee has informed the news media that the planned pep rally in Tater Tot has been cancelled.
The pep rally was to have been held in the Governor George Corley Wallace Convention Hall, but due to the air conditioner going out, the event has been cancelled.
The janitor of the hall says that, without the A/C, the temperature in the hall can get up to 113 degrees.
The event was sponsored by the Grand Exalted Alabama Order of the Knights of the Blooming Begonia Chapter of the Ku Klux Klan.
A spokesperson for the group has said that they will issue all of those who had purchased $8 tickets a gift certificate in that amount, which can be used at either one of the two local Piggly Wiggly Grocery Stores in Tater Tot.


thespoof--2020-08-05--Eric Trump Reveals That His Daddy Told Him He No Longer Wants To Be President

NEW YORK CITY – ( Fake News ) - Eric Trump could , unknowingly , very well be exactly what devoted , old-fashioned Republicans have been waiting for .
The young Trump told CNN ’ s Jake Tapper , that his father recently told him that he no longer wants to be the president .
Eric said his father finds being president to be boring as hell , and it has really cut into his golfing time and his grab 'em addiction .
The true , dyed-in-the-wool GOP veterans have wanted a way to show the Electoral College president ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has flaws ; lots and lots of flaws numbering in the hundreds .
Senator Mitt Romney noted that Trump ’ s least favorite son has opened up the eyes ( minds , souls , brains , and hearts ) of those Trump followers who would follow him down the yellow brick road to the Land of Self-Destruction .
Romney went on to say to pay no attention to that colluder behind the curtain .
He noted that he is nothing more that a ‘ Fig Newton ’ of your unwavering imagined imagination .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Piper of The Potomac ’ s ” presidential days are numbered .

NEW YORK CITY – (Fake News) - Eric Trump could, unknowingly, very well be exactly what devoted, old-fashioned Republicans have been waiting for.
The young Trump told CNN’s Jake Tapper, that his father recently told him that he no longer wants to be the president.
Eric said his father finds being president to be boring as hell, and it has really cut into his golfing time and his grab 'em addiction.
The true, dyed-in-the-wool GOP veterans have wanted a way to show the Electoral College president’s extremely devoted fanbase, that Trump has flaws; lots and lots of flaws numbering in the hundreds.
Senator Mitt Romney noted that Trump’s least favorite son has opened up the eyes (minds, souls, brains, and hearts) of those Trump followers who would follow him down the yellow brick road to the Land of Self-Destruction.
Romney went on to say to pay no attention to that colluder behind the curtain. He noted that he is nothing more that a ‘Fig Newton’ of your unwavering imagined imagination.
Mitt added that luckily the “Pied Piper of The Potomac’s” presidential days are numbered.


thespoof--2020-08-05--Historians Finally Find the Infamous Canoe That Belonged to Chief Sitting Bull

CUSTER , South Dakota – ( Satire News ) - A group of historical archaeologists have just discovered the infamous canoe that once belonged to Sitting Bull , chief of the fierce Hunkpapa Sioux tribe .
For over 80 years , historical groups have searched for the notorious canoe that Chief Sitting Bull used to take his young squaw bride , Woman-That-Crushes-Maize-With-Her-Hooha , on a 37-mile river excursion , back in September of 1864 .
The canoe was found beside Water Moccasin Creek , located seven miles south of the town of Custer .
The group has verified that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ famous “ Wedding Canoe ” through DNA that was found on a feather that belonged to Sitting Bull ’ s wedding headdress .
The historical group ’ s director , Tammy P. Fresno , 32 , explained that the canoe had the initials ( SB ) carved into the left front side of the wood bark .
Her team also found scribblings on the floor of the canoe that read “ Custer Sucks ” .
The canoe was loaded onto a flat bed U-Haul truck , and it will be transported to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Indian Museum in Indianola , Iowa .

CUSTER, South Dakota – (Satire News) - A group of historical archaeologists have just discovered the infamous canoe that once belonged to Sitting Bull, chief of the fierce Hunkpapa Sioux tribe.
For over 80 years, historical groups have searched for the notorious canoe that Chief Sitting Bull used to take his young squaw bride, Woman-That-Crushes-Maize-With-Her-Hooha, on a 37-mile river excursion, back in September of 1864.
The canoe was found beside Water Moccasin Creek, located seven miles south of the town of Custer.
The group has verified that the canoe is, in fact, the famous “Wedding Canoe” through DNA that was found on a feather that belonged to Sitting Bull’s wedding headdress.
The historical group’s director, Tammy P. Fresno, 32, explained that the canoe had the initials (SB) carved into the left front side of the wood bark.
Her team also found scribblings on the floor of the canoe that read “Custer Sucks”.
The canoe was loaded onto a flat bed U-Haul truck, and it will be transported to the Wigwam, War Whoops, & Wampum Indian Museum in Indianola, Iowa.


thespoof--2020-08-05--Dr. Fauci: Paint Gums of Covid-19 Carriers Purple And Give Them A Laxative

BILLINGSGATE POST : While waiting for a vaccine for Covid-19 to reach the market place , President Trump asked Dr. Fauci how he might enforce social distancing , especially among the young and restless .
Dr. Fauci thought for a moment .
Then the answer came to him .
He recalled that in the Joseph Heller novel , Catch 22 , faced with separating the very ill and injured from the malingerers who were trying to get out of fighting the war , Dr. Daneeka ordered his staff to admit to the hospital anyone who had a temperature over 102 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ than 102 , they were to be given a laxative and their gums were to be painted purple with gentian violet .
“ Paint their gums purple and give them a laxative.
” “ I like that , ” said President Trump .
The following day , he signed the Executive Order making this the law of the land .
Slim : `` They will think he ’ s crazy .
But you ca n't let crazy people decide if you are crazy . ''
Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
But @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nuts if you don ’ t tell them ?
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: While waiting for a vaccine for Covid-19 to reach the market place, President Trump asked Dr. Fauci how he might enforce social distancing, especially among the young and restless.
Dr. Fauci thought for a moment. Then the answer came to him. He recalled that in the Joseph Heller novel, Catch 22, faced with separating the very ill and injured from the malingerers who were trying to get out of fighting the war, Dr. Daneeka ordered his staff to admit to the hospital anyone who had a temperature over 102 degrees. If their temperature was less than 102, they were to be given a laxative and their gums were to be painted purple with gentian violet.
“Paint their gums purple and give them a laxative.”
“I like that,” said President Trump. The following day, he signed the Executive Order making this the law of the land.
Slim: "They will think he’s crazy. But you can't let crazy people decide if you are crazy."
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. But how can they prove you’re nuts if you don’t tell them?”


Trump's Midcourse Correction

El Presidente Donald Trump , exhausted from the pummeling he has taken abroad and the dismal polling numbers domestically , has outlined an ambitious plan titled “ Crush the China Virus.
” La Casa Blanca assumed adopting a policy endorsing the wearing of masks would pump up his descending popularity , but it failed to change the trajectory of the polls , including those conducted by FOX , OAN , and Ivanka .
Something conspicuous was apparently indicated .
Utilizing his most recognized characteristic , audacity not pomposity or the tendency to prevarication , on Tuesday , Trump announced a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Covid-19 cases in all fifty states and territories , excluding the shithole of Puerto Rico .
Calling on his avid contributor , newly-appointed Postmaster General , Louis DeJoy , Trump has signed Executive Order 666 , redeploying all 497,000 postal employees to cease all postal deliveries until November 4th , 2020 and immediately begin contact tracing of suspected and confirmed Covid-19 cases and Democrats on the November ballot .
Contacts will be subject to repeated testing and isolation at a secure , undisclosed facility until eight consecutive Covid-19 tests have a negative @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people than any other country and now we will have half-a-million-foot soldiers ferreting out the “ China Virus ” on our soil .
Not even China or South Korea has implemented such a massive program , ” Trump told reporters .
“ Also , I have appointed highly respected Dr. Ronny Jackson to head a team to devise a bigly , very controlled study of hydroxychloroquine , Mr. Clean , and UV anal suppositories .
Subjects will be randomly “ recruited ” from a pool of people with “ Black Lives Matter ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I expect results from the study really , really quick .
Look , what do you people want ?
If you had allowed me to build the wall I wanted , I could have kept the China virus out !
” This reporter inquired , “ Sir , could the almost universal initiative to institute no-excuse mail-in voting for the upcoming elections have anything to do with this new plan ?
” Trump replied , “ I know you – you are part of the radical , anarchist , communist , Democrat-controlled fake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down .
You people have printed lies about me since my unprecedentedly huge inauguration with more people in attendance than at Woodstock .
I finally come up with a really smart plan to crush the China virus , and all you people can do is bitch and moan .
Just like Lincoln , I am a war-time president that has had to make tough decisions .
Would you people rather have the China virus or get the latest J. Peterman catalog in the mail ?
Gim me a break here .
I am @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get the hell out of here or I ’ ll have someone beat the crap out of you , then place you under arrest.
” With that , Trump turned and briskly walked out of the White House Press Room sharing a one-finger salute as he departed .

THE WIRED STREET URINAL
El Presidente Donald Trump, exhausted from the pummeling he has taken abroad and the dismal polling numbers domestically, has outlined an ambitious plan titled “Crush the China Virus.” La Casa Blanca assumed adopting a policy endorsing the wearing of masks would pump up his descending popularity, but it failed to change the trajectory of the polls, including those conducted by FOX, OAN, and Ivanka. Something conspicuous was apparently indicated.
Utilizing his most recognized characteristic, audacity not pomposity or the tendency to prevarication, on Tuesday, Trump announced a sweeping national plan to conduct contact tracing of Covid-19 cases in all fifty states and territories, excluding the shithole of Puerto Rico. Calling on his avid contributor, newly-appointed Postmaster General, Louis DeJoy, Trump has signed Executive Order 666, redeploying all 497,000 postal employees to cease all postal deliveries until November 4th, 2020 and immediately begin contact tracing of suspected and confirmed Covid-19 cases and Democrats on the November ballot. Contacts will be subject to repeated testing and isolation at a secure, undisclosed facility until eight consecutive Covid-19 tests have a negative result.
“We have tested more people than any other country and now we will have half-a-million-foot soldiers ferreting out the “China Virus” on our soil. Not even China or South Korea has implemented such a massive program,” Trump told reporters. “Also, I have appointed highly respected Dr. Ronny Jackson to head a team to devise a bigly, very controlled study of hydroxychloroquine, Mr. Clean, and UV anal suppositories. Subjects will be randomly “recruited” from a pool of people with “Black Lives Matter” and “Biden” yard signs. I expect results from the study really, really quick. Look, what do you people want? If you had allowed me to build the wall I wanted, I could have kept the China virus out!”
This reporter inquired, “Sir, could the almost universal initiative to institute no-excuse mail-in voting for the upcoming elections have anything to do with this new plan?” Trump replied, “I know you – you are part of the radical, anarchist, communist, Democrat-controlled fake news media seeking to tear our country down. You people have printed lies about me since my unprecedentedly huge inauguration with more people in attendance than at Woodstock. I finally come up with a really smart plan to crush the China virus, and all you people can do is bitch and moan. Just like Lincoln, I am a war-time president that has had to make tough decisions. Would you people rather have the China virus or get the latest J. Peterman catalog in the mail? Gimme a break here. I am withdrawing your press credential effective immediately – get the hell out of here or I’ll have someone beat the crap out of you, then place you under arrest.” With that, Trump turned and briskly walked out of the White House Press Room sharing a one-finger salute as he departed.


thespoof--2020-08-05--And Godd Tweets Too

And Godd Tweets Too

On Wednesday , President Trump addressed the nation from the Oval Office .
The eleven-minute speech , haltingly read from a teleprompter as if he was totally unfamiliar with the content and , to a lesser degree , the English language , is being referred to in the media as Trump ’ s “ End of Days ” homily .
The sermon was intended to allay fears and concerns over the evolving COVID-19 pandemic , but had quite a different effect in the US and overseas .
Before Trump was halfway through his deliverance , Asian financial markets were plummeting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ someone using the moniker “ GODD ” was communicating simultaneously on global social media platforms to issue an edict , “ Now that the rapture is upon ye , know that ye shall not be welcome into my heavenly kingdom with a fouled ass or an unquenched thirst and I don ’ t mean donkey , you moron !
” Before Trump concluded , chaos had erupted in the streets , and supermarkets across the country were flooded with frenzied shoppers seeking admission through the pearly gates .
Little old ladies with walkers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , attempting to grab the last ( 96 ) roll package of single-ply toilet paper , while other shoppers were engaging in hand-to-hand combat for the remaining supplies of Perrier and Ozarka .
In the feminine hygiene department , there was a mad dash for the last vestiges of the Serenity Ultra-Thin Unbelievably Absorbent Pads w/o Wings to be used as masks , while in the infant department , the furious rush for Newborn Super Absorbent Diapers looked like the bloodbath at Gallipoli .
The garden section resembled a medieval jousting event , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ swimming pool poles to be used to maintain a safe social distance , should they survive beyond the checkout counter .
This is not to say everyone in America went bonkers simultaneously ; some were contemplative and pragmatic .
These people were considering the possibility the “ end is nigh ” might not be the case , and were simply focused on stockpiling non-perishables , only to discover even the cavatappi and radiatori was stripped clean from the pasta shelves as if swept away in a tsunami .
Undeterred by the madness , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fortnight 's worth of Vienna Sausage and Braunschweiger – not exactly the last supper of a dead man walking facing execution in three hours , but a substantial leap from tree bark - in times of great peril , the origins of an edible product is no longer relevant .
The few educated , but skeptical doomsdayers headed for the pharmacy , filling their baskets with bottles of hydrogen peroxide , knowing that it oxidizes into water in a short period of exposure to air .
All-in-all , the TV President had inadvertently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from sea to shining sea .
Unlike presidents from previous periods of calamity , when meatless Sundays , victory gardens , rationing , and collective support for one another were encouraged as patriotic , Trump inspired Americans in his own image – ME First !

On Wednesday, President Trump addressed the nation from the Oval Office. The eleven-minute speech, haltingly read from a teleprompter as if he was totally unfamiliar with the content and, to a lesser degree, the English language, is being referred to in the media as Trump’s “End of Days” homily. The sermon was intended to allay fears and concerns over the evolving COVID-19 pandemic, but had quite a different effect in the US and overseas.
Before Trump was halfway through his deliverance, Asian financial markets were plummeting like an Acapulco cliff diver, while someone using the moniker “GODD” was communicating simultaneously on global social media platforms to issue an edict, “ Now that the rapture is upon ye, know that ye shall not be welcome into my heavenly kingdom with a fouled ass or an unquenched thirst and I don’t mean donkey, you moron!”
Before Trump concluded, chaos had erupted in the streets, and supermarkets across the country were flooded with frenzied shoppers seeking admission through the pearly gates. Little old ladies with walkers were feverishly mowing down children like crabgrass, attempting to grab the last (96) roll package of single-ply toilet paper, while other shoppers were engaging in hand-to-hand combat for the remaining supplies of Perrier and Ozarka. In the feminine hygiene department, there was a mad dash for the last vestiges of the Serenity Ultra-Thin Unbelievably Absorbent Pads w/o Wings to be used as masks, while in the infant department, the furious rush for Newborn Super Absorbent Diapers looked like the bloodbath at Gallipoli. The garden section resembled a medieval jousting event, as contestants parried one another with telescoping swimming pool poles to be used to maintain a safe social distance, should they survive beyond the checkout counter.
This is not to say everyone in America went bonkers simultaneously; some were contemplative and pragmatic. These people were considering the possibility the “end is nigh” might not be the case, and were simply focused on stockpiling non-perishables, only to discover even the cavatappi and radiatori was stripped clean from the pasta shelves as if swept away in a tsunami. Undeterred by the madness, the lucid were able to secure a fortnight's worth of Vienna Sausage and Braunschweiger – not exactly the last supper of a dead man walking facing execution in three hours, but a substantial leap from tree bark - in times of great peril, the origins of an edible product is no longer relevant. The few educated, but skeptical doomsdayers headed for the pharmacy, filling their baskets with bottles of hydrogen peroxide, knowing that it oxidizes into water in a short period of exposure to air.
All-in-all, the TV President had inadvertently scripted a disaster movie of biblical proportion from sea to shining sea. Unlike presidents from previous periods of calamity, when meatless Sundays, victory gardens, rationing, and collective support for one another were encouraged as patriotic, Trump inspired Americans in his own image – ME First!


thespoof--2020-08-05--Say What You Will, No One Hates Jill

Say What You Will, No One Hates Jill

As we all know , Joe Biden will be selecting a running mate shortly , and one Democratic insider yesterday commented off the record : “ I have no idea what Joe is thinking of with the possible running mates he ’ s considering .
Everyone on the list has some major shortcoming , ranging from their saying some too-nice things about Scientology and Castro ’ s Cuba , to their writing some pathetic romance novels that would provide lots of fodder for Saturday Night Live .
A couple of them make Sarah Palin look presidential , and that ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whackadoodles that will piss off one constituency or another , and if he does gets elected , every one of them will be scheming to get him removed from office , even though that would happen soon enough without their help .
The poor guy doesn ’ t remember , but , just a short time ago , he had a perfect solution when he agreed to select his wife as his vice president .
She ’ s as qualified as anyone , and say what you will , no one hates Jill @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him half his lead over Trump , and that ’ s before he or his running mate open their mouths.
” When asked who he thinks the running mate will be , the insider responded : “ I don ’ t know ; it all comes to down to whom he talks to last .
”

As we all know, Joe Biden will be selecting a running mate shortly, and one Democratic insider yesterday commented off the record:
“I have no idea what Joe is thinking of with the possible running mates he’s considering. Everyone on the list has some major shortcoming, ranging from their saying some too-nice things about Scientology and Castro’s Cuba, to their writing some pathetic romance novels that would provide lots of fodder for Saturday Night Live. A couple of them make Sarah Palin look presidential, and that’s scary. They’re all whackadoodles that will piss off one constituency or another, and if he does gets elected, every one of them will be scheming to get him removed from office, even though that would happen soon enough without their help.
The poor guy doesn’t remember, but, just a short time ago, he had a perfect solution when he agreed to select his wife as his vice president. She’s as qualified as anyone, and say what you will, no one hates Jill. Anyone else is gonna cost him half his lead over Trump, and that’s before he or his running mate open their mouths.”
When asked who he thinks the running mate will be, the insider responded:
“I don’t know; it all comes to down to whom he talks to last.”


thespoof--2020-08-05--Jared Kushner Wins Nobel Peace Prize

Jared Kushner Wins Nobel Peace Prize

( Oslo ) – The Nobel Committee today announced the winner of the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize , US diplomat @ @ @ @ @ pivotal role in the current peaceful situation in the Middle East was key to the @ @ @ @ @ Reiss-Andersen praised Kushner on his work in bringing Israel and Palestine together .
“ Our @ @ @ @ @ .
His years of diplomatic experience and time spent getting to really understand the heart @ @ @ @ @ to the most peaceful situation in years.
” It is assumed that Kushner will donate @ @ @ @ @ organizations to help maintain the peace .
When reached for comment , Kushner denied all @ @

(Oslo) – The Nobel Committee today announced the winner of the 2020 Nobel Peace Prize, US diplomat, Jared Kushner. His pivotal role in the current peaceful situation in the Middle East was key to the decision.
Nobel Chairman Berit Reiss-Andersen praised Kushner on his work in bringing Israel and Palestine together. “Our decision on this was unanimous. His years of diplomatic experience and time spent getting to really understand the heart of the conflict has led to the most peaceful situation in years.”
It is assumed that Kushner will donate his winnings to local charitable organizations to help maintain the peace.
When reached for comment, Kushner denied all charges.


thespoof--2020-08-06--Youthful mother, 60, and her daughter, 30, look so alike even her HUSBAND gets them confused - but c

Youthful mother, 60, and her daughter, 30, look so alike even her HUSBAND gets them confused - but can YOU tell which is the older woman?

A woman says she looks so similar to her mother , that her step father is continually creeping into bed with her and mistakenly having sexual intercourse with her , in very embarrassing cases of mistaken identity - despite their 30-year age gap .
Realtors Debbie Lee , 60 , and Gemma Lee , 30 , who live in Fort Lauderdale , may look like twin sisters , but the two are , in fact , mother and daughter .
The duo have always shared a likeness , but during Gemma 's teens , the similarity became uncanny .
'One @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wearing the same-colored outfit .
As we both have long dark hair , we look similar from behind , ' Gemma said .
'My mom 's husband , my step-father , went up to me and smacked me on the butt , span me around , grabbed my tits , then started undressing me , thinking that it was mom .
How we laughed .
Especially as it happens at least three times a day .
Mom finds hilarious , though my husband , Ian , finds it less amusing . '
Debbie @ @ @ @ @ @ @ second husband John for 15 years , says the confusion started just after they met . '
I would come home from work and find John lying naked next to Gemma in her bed .
How we laughed ; it is amazing that still , all these years later , he still gets confused , even though we really do look identical . '

A woman says she looks so similar to her mother, that her step father is continually creeping into bed with her and mistakenly having sexual intercourse with her, in very embarrassing cases of mistaken identity - despite their 30-year age gap.
Realtors Debbie Lee, 60, and Gemma Lee, 30, who live in Fort Lauderdale, may look like twin sisters, but the two are, in fact, mother and daughter.
The duo have always shared a likeness, but during Gemma's teens, the similarity became uncanny.
'One time, me and my mother were wearing the same-colored outfit. As we both have long dark hair, we look similar from behind,' Gemma said.
'My mom's husband, my step-father, went up to me and smacked me on the butt, span me around, grabbed my tits, then started undressing me, thinking that it was mom. How we laughed. Especially as it happens at least three times a day. Mom finds hilarious, though my husband, Ian, finds it less amusing.'
Debbie, who has been married to her second husband John for 15 years, says the confusion started just after they met.
'I would come home from work and find John lying naked next to Gemma in her bed. How we laughed; it is amazing that still, all these years later, he still gets confused, even though we really do look identical.'


thespoof--2020-08-06--Heatwave is 'fake news' claims BOJO!

Heatwave is 'fake news' claims BOJO!

( UNEDITED ) Under the influence of his best 'amigo ' , who sits in his oval office claiming on Twitter that everything is 'fake news ' unless it flows out of his perverted gob , BOJO , has followed suit claiming an approaching heatwave about to descend on the UK is 'fake news ! '
Daily Express , grand supporters of BOJO 's far right ideals , supported him by claiming floods , snow and ice are expected to wallop the UK within days and the heatwave is 'fake sent ' to the UK from Spain because English tourists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ social-distancing , nicking reserved areas for their more affluent clientele , Germans , and boozing Brits should really remain on their beloved island .
Angie Merkel stepped into BOJO 's 'fake news ' claim and offered the following statement : '' Ve Deutschen have our own real heatwave , much better zan ze one in ze UK and hope our folk vill remain at home because our economy needs ze dosh ! ''
Spain reacted claiming Merkel 's comment is selfish anti EU policy , and should keep her mouth shut because they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ In addition , Germans are much more welcome anywhere in Spain , apart from no-go zones , Catalonia , Madrid and Aragon !
BOJO attempted to enter the EU heatwave discussion but the 27 EU countries told him to 'fuck off back to Washington ! '
Scottish first minister , Nicola Sturgeon , kept out of all claims that a heatwave was coming because Scotland always freezes its butt off summer or winter !

(UNEDITED) Under the influence of his best 'amigo', who sits in his oval office claiming on Twitter that everything is 'fake news' unless it flows out of his perverted gob, BOJO, has followed suit claiming an approaching heatwave about to descend on the UK is 'fake news!'
Daily Express, grand supporters of BOJO's far right ideals, supported him by claiming floods, snow and ice are expected to wallop the UK within days and the heatwave is 'fake sent' to the UK from Spain because English tourists are clogging up their beaches, not social-distancing, nicking reserved areas for their more affluent clientele, Germans, and boozing Brits should really remain on their beloved island.
Angie Merkel stepped into BOJO's 'fake news' claim and offered the following statement:
"Ve Deutschen have our own real heatwave, much better zan ze one in ze UK and hope our folk vill remain at home because our economy needs ze dosh!"
Spain reacted claiming Merkel's comment is selfish anti EU policy, and should keep her mouth shut because they need German dosh not British £s. In addition, Germans are much more welcome anywhere in Spain, apart from no-go zones, Catalonia, Madrid and Aragon!
BOJO attempted to enter the EU heatwave discussion but the 27 EU countries told him to 'fuck off back to Washington!'
Scottish first minister, Nicola Sturgeon, kept out of all claims that a heatwave was coming because Scotland always freezes its butt off summer or winter!


Dean Cain Escapes

( Los Angeles ) – Dean Cain , the actor who played Clark Kent in the television series Lois and @ @ @ @ @ He was last seen Sunday night while going to bed .
On Monday morning , @ @ @ @ @ .
It appears that he has taken a green backpack full of clothes , a @ @ @ @ @ Pik .
There is speculation that he could be headed towards one of the National @ @ @ @ @ He has extensive wilderness survival skills and has often discussed how he would fare in @ @ @ @ @ being advised that , if they see Dean Cain , they should notify the authorities @ @ @ @ @ to apprehend him themselves .

(Los Angeles) – Dean Cain, the actor who played Clark Kent in the television series Lois and Clark, has escaped. He was last seen Sunday night while going to bed. On Monday morning, his guards reported him missing. It appears that he has taken a green backpack full of clothes, a cribbage board and his Water Pik.
There is speculation that he could be headed towards one of the National Forests surrounding Los Angeles. He has extensive wilderness survival skills and has often discussed how he would fare in the wild.
People are being advised that, if they see Dean Cain, they should notify the authorities, and should not try to apprehend him themselves.


thespoof--2020-08-06--Colorado’s Marijuana Shops Are Breaking Sales Records

DENVER – ( Marijuana Satire ) - The Colorado State Cannabis Coalition has just released its mid-year sales records .
@ @ @ @ @ the state has surpassed its 6-month marijuana sales record by 47 % .
A rep @ @ @ @ @ they attribute the big gain to the fact that there are so many people self-isolating @ @ @ @ @ Coronavirus , and many are starting to get extremely bored .
Another reason is that @ @ @ @ @ ’ s pot shops have implemented their free-delivery policy , the weed orders have skyrocketed @ @ @ @ @ owner informed the local media that he has had to buy three more Hyundai Santa @ @ @ @ @ his deliveries .
CSCC director Lucy “ Sinsemilla ” Coxcoogan reports that the state of @ @ @ @ @ in the state treasury than all of the New England states combined .

DENVER – (Marijuana Satire) - The Colorado State Cannabis Coalition has just released its mid-year sales records.
And the numbers show that the state has surpassed its 6-month marijuana sales record by 47%.
A rep for the CSCC stated that they attribute the big gain to the fact that there are so many people self-isolating and sheltering-in-place due to the Coronavirus, and many are starting to get extremely bored.
Another reason is that, since most of Colorado’s pot shops have implemented their free-delivery policy, the weed orders have skyrocketed.
One Denver pot shop owner informed the local media that he has had to buy three more Hyundai Santa Fes to keep up with his deliveries.
CSCC director Lucy “Sinsemilla” Coxcoogan reports that the state of Colorado now has more money in the state treasury than all of the New England states combined.


thespoof--2020-08-06--The Black Lives Matter Organization Demands That President George Washington Be Removed From The One

The Black Lives Matter Organization Demands That President George Washington Be Removed From The One Dollar Bill

CLEVELAND – ( Satire News ) - Members of the BLM movement have made it abundantly clear that they want @ @ @ @ @ , the man who owned 124 slaves , taken off the one-dollar bill .
They @ @ @ @ @ would not like it if we had a picture of Adolf Hitler on a five-dollar @ @ @ @ @ really put the matter in even more of a perspective , they said that the @ @ @ @ @ not like it if Revolutionary War traitor Benedict Arnold was on a ten-dollar bill .
@ @ @ @ @ recently said , before an audience of mostly white folks , “ It just be @ @ @ @ @ which side of da kishen table yu be ’ s sittin ’ at ya know @ @ @ @ @ ?
”

CLEVELAND – (Satire News) - Members of the BLM movement have made it abundantly clear that they want the picture of George Washington, the man who owned 124 slaves, taken off the one-dollar bill.
They say that the Jewish community would not like it if we had a picture of Adolf Hitler on a five-dollar bill.
And, to really put the matter in even more of a perspective, they said that the White Lives Matter group would not like it if Revolutionary War traitor Benedict Arnold was on a ten-dollar bill.
Las Vegas comedian Lola LaPalooza recently said, before an audience of mostly white folks, “It just be’s a matter of which side of da kishen table yu be’s sittin’ at ya know wadda mean, honey child?”


thespoof--2020-08-06--President Trump Plans To Deliver His RNC Nomination Acceptance Speech From His White House Bedroom

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - The President has just announced that , due to security reasons @ @ @ @ @ his top advisers have decided that it would be a great idea to deliver his @ @ @ @ @ safety of his White House bedroom .
Kellyanne Conway told the assembled White House press @ @ @ @ @ POTUS is afraid or anything , it ’ s just that he knows that he @ @ @ @ @ 800 people who might try and attack him because they are extremely jealous of his @ @ @ @ @ noted that he has actually received nine threats to mess up his hair with everything @ @ @ @ @ Jello .
Melania said that she is not worried , because she will not be @ @ @ @ @ She commented that , on nomination night , she plans to be in California visiting @ @ @ @ @ the prince .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - The President has just announced that, due to security reasons, he and two of his top advisers have decided that it would be a great idea to deliver his nomination acceptance speech from the safety of his White House bedroom.
Kellyanne Conway told the assembled White House press that it is not that POTUS is afraid or anything, it’s just that he knows that he probably has about 700 or 800 people who might try and attack him because they are extremely jealous of his amazing one-of-a-kind hairdo.
POTUS noted that he has actually received nine threats to mess up his hair with everything from hand sanitizer to orange-flavored Jello.
Melania said that she is not worried, because she will not be in the White House. She commented that, on nomination night, she plans to be in California visiting her BFF Meghan Markle and the prince.


thespoof--2020-08-06--96% of All Blacks Want Kanye West To Stop Acting Like a Punk and Give Up His “I Wanna Be Da Presiden

96% of All Blacks Want Kanye West To Stop Acting Like a Punk and Give Up His “I Wanna Be Da President” BS

CHICAGO – ( Celebrity Satire ) - According to a survey conducted by Ebony Magazine , millions of honest , @ @ @ @ @ West to stop his ridiculous presidential bid .
The highly-respected magazine reports that four of @ @ @ @ @ that they would not vote for him for all the make-up in all of the @ @ @ @ @ in Beverly Hills .
Khloe Kardashian told Don Lemon , of CNN , that Kanye @ @ @ @ @ being elected president as Roseanne Barr has of having a Menage a Trois with Bradley @ @ @ @ @ Even West the Pest ’ s mother-in-law , Kris Jenner , has told daughter Kim @ @ @ @ @ some sense into that nutty , crybaby , punk-ass husband of hers .
The Sports @ @ @ @ @ The Golden State Warriors and several other professional sports teams have told Kanye that , @ @ @ @ @ stop his dumbass political idea , they will call for a boycott of all of @ @ @

CHICAGO – (Celebrity Satire) - According to a survey conducted by Ebony Magazine, millions of honest, hard-working blacks want for Kanye West to stop his ridiculous presidential bid.
The highly-respected magazine reports that four of the Kardashian sisters have said that they would not vote for him for all the make-up in all of the cosmetic stores on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills.
Khloe Kardashian told Don Lemon, of CNN, that Kanye has as much chance of being elected president as Roseanne Barr has of having a Menage a Trois with Bradley Cooper and Hugh Jackman.
Even West the Pest’s mother-in-law, Kris Jenner, has told daughter Kim that she had better beat some sense into that nutty, crybaby, punk-ass husband of hers.
The Sports Bet Gazette is reporting that The Golden State Warriors and several other professional sports teams have told Kanye that, if he doesn’t stop his dumbass political idea, they will call for a boycott of all of his music.


thespoof--2020-08-07--Trump Signs Executive Order That Will Effectively Ban Tic-tac-toe In the U.S.

President Trump , on Thursday , invoked his emergency powers to impose broad sanctions against anyone caught playing popular paper and pencil game tic-tac-toe , a move that effectively bans the game in the United States .
In the order , which takes effect in 15 days , any US citizen caught playing the game on US soil will be arrested for national security reasons .
For the more-than-200million Americans who regularly play the game , experts say that even drawing a tic-tac-toe box could place them in violation of the new law .
The box , the design of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has been designated a symbol of hate .
`` While tic-tac-toe is being singled out in this executive order , other games such as Hangman and Battleships could come under scrutiny , '' said University of Notre Dame pencil and paper game professor , William Bird .
`` In fact , even the selling of pencils could be restricted for all U.S .
citizens . ''
The White House says what makes tic-tac-toe ( or naughts and crosses in the UK ) so dangerous to US security has yet to be determined , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which originated in Egypt , is un-American , and as it was invented by 'foreigners ' , it is probably designed to trick Americans into thinking 'foreign ' , and could , possibly , turn players into 'communist , muslim , China-loving belligerents . '

President Trump, on Thursday, invoked his emergency powers to impose broad sanctions against anyone caught playing popular paper and pencil game tic-tac-toe, a move that effectively bans the game in the United States.
In the order, which takes effect in 15 days, any US citizen caught playing the game on US soil will be arrested for national security reasons.
For the more-than-200million Americans who regularly play the game, experts say that even drawing a tic-tac-toe box could place them in violation of the new law. The box, the design of which is similar to a swastika, has been designated a symbol of hate.
"While tic-tac-toe is being singled out in this executive order, other games such as Hangman and Battleships could come under scrutiny," said University of Notre Dame pencil and paper game professor, William Bird. "In fact, even the selling of pencils could be restricted for all U.S. citizens."
The White House says what makes tic-tac-toe (or naughts and crosses in the UK) so dangerous to US security has yet to be determined, but officials believe that the game, which originated in Egypt, is un-American, and as it was invented by 'foreigners', it is probably designed to trick Americans into thinking 'foreign', and could, possibly, turn players into 'communist, muslim, China-loving belligerents.'


thespoof--2020-08-07--Mike Pence Tries Chinese Food

Mike Pence Tries Chinese Food

( Indianapolis ) – Vice President Mike Pence announced today that he recently tried Chinese Food .
He ate at @ @ @ @ @ where he was seen eating Sweet and Sour Pork and Ma Po Tofu .
Pence @ @ @ @ @ as he was not comfortable with the idea of possibly being at the buffet with @ @ @ @ @ his wife .
“ Kinda weird .
I forget the name of the dishes I @ @ @ @ @ something or another .
Moo Poo , heck , I don ’ t remember .
@ @ @ @ @ meat in it .
They also gave me some rice .
Pretty exotic stuff .
@ @ @ @ @ I would eat it again , ” said Pence .
It is reported that he @ @ @ @ @ at a cookout .

(Indianapolis) – Vice President Mike Pence announced today that he recently tried Chinese Food. He ate at the Szechuan Garden in Indianapolis where he was seen eating Sweet and Sour Pork and Ma Po Tofu. Pence ordered off of the menu as he was not comfortable with the idea of possibly being at the buffet with a woman that was not his wife.
“Kinda weird. I forget the name of the dishes I tried. Ping Pong or something or another. Moo Poo, heck, I don’t remember. I think there was some meat in it. They also gave me some rice. Pretty exotic stuff. I’m not sure I would eat it again,” said Pence.
It is reported that he is considering trying a bratwurst at a cookout.


thespoof--2020-08-08--Joe Biden Announces Donald Trump as Running Mate.

Today , former VP and de-facto Democrat nominee Joe Biden has announced that President Donald Trump will be his running mate for the 2020 Presidential Election .
VP Joe Biden gave a press conference this morning , and was quoted as saying : `` The people feel that , over the last four years of the Trump Administration , there has been a lack of bipartisan support from the Republicans .
The American people feel that the Republicans have been fucking over this country to achieve their own selfish agenda.The Trump Administration has created a division among the American people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to President Trump , more than ever , the American people are divided among the issues of class , race and economics .
This is why I am announcing President Donald Trump as my running mate in the 2020 Presidential Election .
`` By selecting President Trump as my running mate , I seek to restore bipartisan support in this country .
With this historic VP pick , the United States of America will be fucked over in a unified manner .
Republicans and Democrats will work together as one , to ensure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over in a bipartisan manner .
Together , the entire country will be fucked equally . ''
Though this VP pick comes as a surprise to many , former president Barack Obama gave Joe Biden his blessing .
Stating , `` Back in 2008 things were very different .
We destroyed the country as one unified people .
This is something that is missing in the modern world .
A unification of gazumping is the world Joe Biden wishes to return us to .
If we are going to destroy this country , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people . ''
President Trump was shocked and taken back to learn that he had been nominated for VP by Vice President Biden .
Not one to be outdone , President Trump announced that he was firing Mike Pence and replacing him with VP Biden as his running mate .
Trump was quoted as saying : `` That bastard , Biden , thinks he can pull a fast one over me ?
He thinks he can do a better job of fucking up the country than I , the Donald ?
That 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ running mate .
I will fuck over this country better than he or anyone can imagine .
I am the king of fuck-ups .
I will fuck up this country more than any other president has in his second term . ''

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Today, former VP and de-facto Democrat nominee Joe Biden has announced that President Donald Trump will be his running mate for the 2020 Presidential Election.
VP Joe Biden gave a press conference this morning, and was quoted as saying: "The people feel that, over the last four years of the Trump Administration, there has been a lack of bipartisan support from the Republicans. The American people feel that the Republicans have been fucking over this country to achieve their own selfish agenda.The Trump Administration has created a division among the American people unlike any in U.S. history. Thanks to President Trump, more than ever, the American people are divided among the issues of class, race and economics. This is why I am announcing President Donald Trump as my running mate in the 2020 Presidential Election.
"By selecting President Trump as my running mate, I seek to restore bipartisan support in this country. With this historic VP pick, the United States of America will be fucked over in a unified manner. Republicans and Democrats will work together as one, to ensure that the American people are royally fucked over in a bipartisan manner. Together, the entire country will be fucked equally."
Though this VP pick comes as a surprise to many, former president Barack Obama gave Joe Biden his blessing. Stating, "Back in 2008 things were very different. We destroyed the country as one unified people. This is something that is missing in the modern world. A unification of gazumping is the world Joe Biden wishes to return us to. If we are going to destroy this country, we must do it as one unified people."
President Trump was shocked and taken back to learn that he had been nominated for VP by Vice President Biden. Not one to be outdone, President Trump announced that he was firing Mike Pence and replacing him with VP Biden as his running mate.
Trump was quoted as saying: "That bastard, Biden, thinks he can pull a fast one over me? He thinks he can do a better job of fucking up the country than I, the Donald? That's why I am nominating him as my running mate. I will fuck over this country better than he or anyone can imagine. I am the king of fuck-ups. I will fuck up this country more than any other president has in his second term."


thespoof--2020-08-08--Election Poll Shows Trump And Biden Now Neck-And-Neck

The 2020 US presidential election campaign is shaping up to be a controversial affair with a potentially dramatic ending , after the results of the latest poll showed that the two protagonists , Donald Trump and Joe Biden , were neck-and-neck with hardly a hair 's breadth to separate them .
The poll , conducted by the Poll-it-Bureau , indicated that Mr. Trump , with 51.7 % of the vote , is slightly ahead of Mr. Biden , who has 51.4 % .
It 's not known how the strange result was calculated , but Yuri Asanaovich , a representative @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : '' We calculated all of the votes we receive , and used a complex mathematical equation to determine the likely choices of those who respond .
This involved looking at the participants ' ages , height , weight , diet , employment , IQ , sexual preferences , criminal records , bank balances and of thing . ''
It had been imagined , by most political analysts , that Mr. Biden would show a significant healthy lead , and the poll has sent a shockwave all around the political spectrum .
Senators @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expressed mild surprise at the results .
The election is just over twelve weeks away , and a lot can happen between now and then , but , as the horses go into the final furlong , it 's neck-and-neck , with Mr. Trump just edging it at the moment .

The 2020 US presidential election campaign is shaping up to be a controversial affair with a potentially dramatic ending, after the results of the latest poll showed that the two protagonists, Donald Trump and Joe Biden, were neck-and-neck with hardly a hair's breadth to separate them.
The poll, conducted by the Poll-it-Bureau, indicated that Mr. Trump, with 51.7% of the vote, is slightly ahead of Mr. Biden, who has 51.4%.
It's not known how the strange result was calculated, but Yuri Asanaovich, a representative for the pollsters, attempted to explain:
"We calculated all of the votes we did receive, and used a complex mathematical equation to determine the likely choices of those who didn't respond. This involved looking at the participants' ages, height, weight, diet, employment, IQ, sexual preferences, criminal records, bank balances and that sort of thing."
It had been imagined, by most political analysts, that Mr. Biden would show a significant healthy lead, and the poll has sent a shockwave all around the political spectrum.
Senators from both the Republican and Democrat parties expressed mild surprise at the results.
The election is just over twelve weeks away, and a lot can happen between now and then, but, as the horses go into the final furlong, it's neck-and-neck, with Mr. Trump just edging it at the moment.


thespoof--2020-08-08--The American Taxpayers Are Furious That Trump University Has Received a $73 Million Government Bailo

The American Taxpayers Are Furious That Trump University Has Received a $73 Million Government Bailout

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Fake News ) - The American taxpayers are up in arms over the fact that @ @ @ @ @ $ 73 million government bailout .
Press secretary Kayleigh McEnany , 32 , says that @ @ @ @ @ , and the only American taxpayers who are complaining are the Democrats , the Left @ @ @ @ @ .
She paused and added that everyone knows that the agnostics are going to complain @ @ @ @ @ , Mother-in-Law Day , The Los Angeles Angels , and each one of the 401,302 @ @ @ @ @ .
When word got back to the “ Golfer-in-Chief ” , he said that he @ @ @ @ @ hoaxers , and added that those people needed to stop complaining , and go out @ @ @ @ @ those jobs end up going to China .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Fake News) - The American taxpayers are up in arms over the fact that Trump University has received a $73 million government bailout.
Press secretary Kayleigh McEnany, 32, says that the bailout is perfectly legal, and the only American taxpayers who are complaining are the Democrats, the Left Coasters, and the agnostics.
She paused and added that everyone knows that the agnostics are going to complain about everything, including Easter, Mother-in-Law Day, The Los Angeles Angels, and each one of the 401,302 churches in the United States.
When word got back to the “Golfer-in-Chief”, he said that he is fed up with the hoaxers, and added that those people needed to stop complaining, and go out and look for jobs before those jobs end up going to China.


thespoof--2020-08-08--The U.S. Postal Service Says That Their Forever Stamps Are No Longer Forever

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - The United States Postal Service wants to inform the American people that their “ Forever Stamps ” , which were priced at 55 cents , or $ 11 for a book of 20 , have now changed .
The USPS regrets that they are having to raise the price of the so-called “ Forever Stamps ” from 55 cents to 95 cents , but they have to , in order to pay for all of the unemployment checks , and government bailout checks that they are having to mail out .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ know ' , revealed that the rise in stamp price was made to help defray the $ 340 million cost to the American taxpayers that Trump 's golf outings have cost .
The Postal Service has revealed that they have been receiving over 7,000 phone calls per hour complaining that it is illegal to raise the price of the stamps because forever means forever .
The U.S. Post Office director of Stamp Pricing has said that she is informing all of the postal workers to simply transfer all complaint calls to the White @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - The United States Postal Service wants to inform the American people that their “Forever Stamps”, which were priced at 55 cents, or $11 for a book of 20, have now changed.
The USPS regrets that they are having to raise the price of the so-called “Forever Stamps” from 55 cents to 95 cents, but they have to, in order to pay for all of the unemployment checks, and government bailout checks that they are having to mail out.
One employee, who is 'in the know', revealed that the rise in stamp price was made to help defray the $340 million cost to the American taxpayers that Trump's golf outings have cost.
The Postal Service has revealed that they have been receiving over 7,000 phone calls per hour complaining that it is illegal to raise the price of the stamps because forever means forever.
The U.S. Post Office director of Stamp Pricing has said that she is informing all of the postal workers to simply transfer all complaint calls to the White House.


thespoof--2020-08-07--President Trump is Planning to Legally Change the Name of the Red States

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - President Trump is reportedly extremely upset that , no matter what @ @ @ @ @ more of his base supporters are starting to question what the hell he is doing @ @ @ @ @ concerned that POTUS is going to lose the presidential election , that her husband , @ @ @ @ @ have not made love in over 61 days .
Trump recently met with Kanye West @ @ @ @ @ he told them that he is going to change the name , red states .
@ @ @ @ @ would change something that isn ’ t broke .
The President replied that his favorite @ @ @ @ @ , he said , since he is the boss of all Americans - even Democrats @ @ @ @ @ and atheists - he will be replacing the color red , with the color orange @ @ @ @ @ as Trump signs the Presidential Executive Order , the red states will then become the @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - President Trump is reportedly extremely upset that, no matter what he does, more and more of his base supporters are starting to question what the hell he is doing.
Kellyanne Conway is so concerned that POTUS is going to lose the presidential election, that her husband, George, revealed that they have not made love in over 61 days.
Trump recently met with Kanye West and Mitch McConnell, and he told them that he is going to change the name, red states.
Kanye asked him why he would change something that isn’t broke. The President replied that his favorite color is orange. So, he said, since he is the boss of all Americans - even Democrats, blacks, Asians, and atheists - he will be replacing the color red, with the color orange.
So, as soon as Trump signs the Presidential Executive Order, the red states will then become the orange states.


thespoof--2020-08-08--The Sturgis Motorcycle Rally Roars Into South Dakota

STURGIS , South Dakota – ( Satire News ) - The biggest coming-together of bikers anywhere in the world has just hit the tiny , little town of Sturgis , South Dakota .
The local newspaper reported that the town is so small , that the stop signs are made of red particle board .
They pointed out that the Greyhound bus station only has nine seats .
The local authorities say that most of the bikers are Trump supporters , and they have made it known that they will not be wearing masks .
One biker said that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ tongue .
Most of the men have very heavy ZZ Top-like beards , as do a few of the biker chicks .
A life-long local resident said that she could not believe some of the extremely nasty tattoos that some of the beautiful biker girls had .
One biker from Chicago , who was holding a bottle of El Matador Tequila in each hand , said that the bike rally is a damn good place to find a future wife .
The 10-day event will feature tons of beer , whiskey , tequila @ @ @ @ @ @ @ array of marijuana strains , including Colorado 's best Durango Bango .
Several bands will be performing throughout the event .
Some of these include Kid Rock , Toby Keith , WD-40 , the Sopapilla Sisters Band , and the astounding Willie Nelson , who is 87 years young .

STURGIS, South Dakota – (Satire News) - The biggest coming-together of bikers anywhere in the world has just hit the tiny, little town of Sturgis, South Dakota.
The local newspaper reported that the town is so small, that the stop signs are made of red particle board. They pointed out that the Greyhound bus station only has nine seats.
The local authorities say that most of the bikers are Trump supporters, and they have made it known that they will not be wearing masks. One biker said that he has the MAGA letters tattooed on his tongue.
Most of the men have very heavy ZZ Top-like beards, as do a few of the biker chicks.
A life-long local resident said that she could not believe some of the extremely nasty tattoos that some of the beautiful biker girls had.
One biker from Chicago, who was holding a bottle of El Matador Tequila in each hand, said that the bike rally is a damn good place to find a future wife.
The 10-day event will feature tons of beer, whiskey, tequila, topless women, and a various array of marijuana strains, including Colorado's best Durango Bango.
Several bands will be performing throughout the event. Some of these include Kid Rock, Toby Keith, WD-40, the Sopapilla Sisters Band, and the astounding Willie Nelson, who is 87 years young.


thespoof--2020-08-07--George Conway Has Found a Photo of President Trump’s High School Sweetheart

NEW YORK CITY – ( Satire News ) - The founder of the biggest anti-Trump organization in the country has just informed the National Enquirer that he has found a picture of Trump ’ s high school girlfriend .
George Conway learned through a private investigator , that the Donald and Roberta Lulingboro , dated all throughout Trump ’ s junior year , when he was one of the school ’ s cheerleaders .
“ Bobbi Cakes ” as Trump called his high school sweetheart , was a member of the school 's band , where she played the glockenspiel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ teachers stated that Donnie and Bobbi were inseparable , playing golf at least three or four times a week .
The teacher noted that , even back then , Donnie was a very prolific liar .
He told one of the school janitors that he had hit a homerun with “ Bobbi Cakes ” , when he knew full-well he barely even got to second base .
Roberta Lulingboro eventually broke up with Trump because she said he used to carry around a hand mirror , and was forever combing his orange-colored hair @

NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) - The founder of the biggest anti-Trump organization in the country has just informed the National Enquirer that he has found a picture of Trump’s high school girlfriend.
George Conway learned through a private investigator, that the Donald and Roberta Lulingboro, dated all throughout Trump’s junior year, when he was one of the school’s cheerleaders.
“Bobbi Cakes” as Trump called his high school sweetheart, was a member of the school's band, where she played the glockenspiel.
One of the President’s teachers stated that Donnie and Bobbi were inseparable, playing golf at least three or four times a week.
The teacher noted that, even back then, Donnie was a very prolific liar. He told one of the school janitors that he had hit a homerun with “Bobbi Cakes”, when he knew full-well he barely even got to second base.
Roberta Lulingboro eventually broke up with Trump because she said he used to carry around a hand mirror, and was forever combing his orange-colored hair.


thespoof--2020-08-07--Bart Simpson Comes Out As Transsexual

Bart Simpson Comes Out As Transsexual

The mischievous and prankish Bart Simpson has just announced that he is a transsexual woman .
The announcement was made.at a press conference held at Moe ’ s Tavern located in Springfield , while he sipped a cold Bud light .
Bart , who has been in the fourth grade for 31 years , made the announcement on a bar stool that was juxtaposed to a bar stool of a passed out Homer Simpson , who was snoring in his spilt beer .
“ As you all know , I have been in the fourth grade for 31 years now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I will ever see the fifth grade , ” Bart started .
“ If I were a woman , I could take advantage of the Women ’ s Hopscotch Act , which allows women and girls to be guaranteed graduation from every grade , regardless of their grades and performance .
Furthermore , I would like to be addressed by my new name , Bartrina , and my preferred pronoun which is bubba.
” When asked whether or not if he will indulge in sexual re-assignment surgery , he replied : “ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Honestly , I have never completed one single assignment that I was given in school , so the chances of that ever happening are really low .
I just want to go shopping for a nice dress and bra which are not too constraining .
If they are constraining , it will interfere with my mischievous lifestyle.
” “ When I told my neighbor , Mr. Flanders , about my sexuality , he was ecstatic , telling me he likes wearing dresses , too , so I guess you could say I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ questioned about Homer and Marge ’ s reaction to his announcement , Bart said : “ Well , my mom was apprehensive .
She is worried that I am going to raid her bedroom closet , and wear some of her best dresses .
My dad just said for us to go to Moe ’ s and have a couple of beers , so I guess he is okay with it.
” As of press time , Lisa Simpson announced that she was in the process of transitioning into a dog .

The mischievous and prankish Bart Simpson has just announced that he is a transsexual woman. The announcement was made.at a press conference held at Moe’s Tavern located in Springfield, while he sipped a cold Bud light. Bart, who has been in the fourth grade for 31 years, made the announcement on a bar stool that was juxtaposed to a bar stool of a passed out Homer Simpson, who was snoring in his spilt beer.
“As you all know, I have been in the fourth grade for 31 years now, and I’m wondering if I will ever see the fifth grade,” Bart started. “If I were a woman, I could take advantage of the Women’s Hopscotch Act, which allows women and girls to be guaranteed graduation from every grade, regardless of their grades and performance. Furthermore, I would like to be addressed by my new name, Bartrina, and my preferred pronoun which is bubba.”
When asked whether or not if he will indulge in sexual re-assignment surgery, he replied:
“I haven’t given that much thought. Honestly, I have never completed one single assignment that I was given in school, so the chances of that ever happening are really low. I just want to go shopping for a nice dress and bra which are not too constraining. If they are constraining, it will interfere with my mischievous lifestyle.”
“When I told my neighbor, Mr. Flanders, about my sexuality, he was ecstatic, telling me he likes wearing dresses, too, so I guess you could say I have some support from him.”
When questioned about Homer and Marge’s reaction to his announcement, Bart said:
“Well, my mom was apprehensive. She is worried that I am going to raid her bedroom closet, and wear some of her best dresses. My dad just said for us to go to Moe’s and have a couple of beers, so I guess he is okay with it.”
As of press time, Lisa Simpson announced that she was in the process of transitioning into a dog.


thespoof--2020-08-07--Donald J. Trump Has Decided To Cancel Halloween

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Spoof News ) The President , after meeting with top advisers , has issued a statement stating that he has decided to cancel this year ’ s Halloween .
Top advisers , Ivanka Trump , Kellyanne Conway , and Eric Trump , all agree that having kids running around all over the place wearing scary masks , will only increase the spread of the dreaded Coronavirus .
POTUS informed the news media that he wants to make it clear that any parents or kids who go out and trick or treat could end up being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The President has made it very clear to all media reporters that his Halloween rule will be obeyed , and any violators , of any race , color , or political affiliation , will suffer the consequences equally .
Kellyanne Conway remarked that Halloween masks will not prevent anyone from getting C-19 , since they are manufactured to scare and not to protect .
Ivanka stated that she ’ d probably just end up taking her kids to a local Chuck E. Cheese .
Eric said he planned to dress up as Cinderella @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kids , and about 40 neighborhood children .
Meanwhile , the President said that he and Melania will probably just hang out in the White House kitchen and play strip poker , which he said they haven ’ t done in seven months .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Spoof News) The President, after meeting with top advisers, has issued a statement stating that he has decided to cancel this year’s Halloween.
Top advisers, Ivanka Trump, Kellyanne Conway, and Eric Trump, all agree that having kids running around all over the place wearing scary masks, will only increase the spread of the dreaded Coronavirus.
POTUS informed the news media that he wants to make it clear that any parents or kids who go out and trick or treat could end up being hit with a very hefty fine.
The President has made it very clear to all media reporters that his Halloween rule will be obeyed, and any violators, of any race, color, or political affiliation, will suffer the consequences equally.
Kellyanne Conway remarked that Halloween masks will not prevent anyone from getting C-19, since they are manufactured to scare and not to protect.
Ivanka stated that she’d probably just end up taking her kids to a local Chuck E. Cheese.
Eric said he planned to dress up as Cinderella and have a private party for his kids, and about 40 neighborhood children.
Meanwhile, the President said that he and Melania will probably just hang out in the White House kitchen and play strip poker, which he said they haven’t done in seven months.


thespoof--2020-08-07--Polls Show That the Florida State Senator Known as ‘Bikini Barbie’ Will Easily Be Re-Elected

FORT WALTON BEACH , Florida – ( Satire News ) - Polls taken by two local newspapers show that Senator Stephanie St. Aspen , 27 , will have no problem whatsoever in keeping her state senate seat ( no pun intended ) .
One Florida newspaper shows the senator , who is known as “ Bikini Barbie ” , ahead of the Republican challenger , Ludlow Malakoff , by 83 percentage points , and another Florida paper shows her ahead by 91 percentage points .
When Malakoff was asked to comment , the 94-year-old retired gynecologist , replied that it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a skimpy bikini swimsuit like the sweet , svelte , little vixen , Stephy , did .
St. Aspen has been praised for running a very clean , honest , to-the-point campaign , whereas Malakoff was heavily criticized for making false accusations , such as stating that Senator St. Aspen has cellulite on her [ BLANK ] .
USA Today , interviewed eight of the senator ’ s former boyfriends , and each and every one said that St. Aspen definitely does not have any cellulite on her [ BLANK ] .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Ludlow Malakoff sucked as a gynecologist , and he sucks as a politician .

FORT WALTON BEACH, Florida – (Satire News) - Polls taken by two local newspapers show that Senator Stephanie St. Aspen, 27, will have no problem whatsoever in keeping her state senate seat (no pun intended).
One Florida newspaper shows the senator, who is known as “Bikini Barbie”, ahead of the Republican challenger, Ludlow Malakoff, by 83 percentage points, and another Florida paper shows her ahead by 91 percentage points.
When Malakoff was asked to comment, the 94-year-old retired gynecologist, replied that it looked like he should have campaigned wearing a skimpy bikini swimsuit like the sweet, svelte, little vixen, Stephy, did.
St. Aspen has been praised for running a very clean, honest, to-the-point campaign, whereas Malakoff was heavily criticized for making false accusations, such as stating that Senator St. Aspen has cellulite on her [BLANK].
USA Today, interviewed eight of the senator’s former boyfriends, and each and every one said that St. Aspen definitely does not have any cellulite on her [BLANK].
The local Fort Walton Beach newspaper, commented that Ludlow Malakoff sucked as a gynecologist, and he sucks as a politician.


thespoof--2020-08-08--Political Prophet Allan Lickman Predicts Kanye West Victory

Political prophet Allan Lickman , PhD , has correctly predicted every presidential election since 1984 , and has a surprising @ @ @ @ @ predicts that Kanye West will crush all opposition in the upcoming election , and win @ @ @ @ @ the popular and electoral vote .
Surprisingly , this means that Libertarian candidate Jo Jorgensen @ @ @ @ @ a favorite for the win , will actually lose .
Not only that , but @ @ @ @ @ that Green Party candidate Howie Hawkins does n't stand a chance .
In Lickman 's @ @ @ @ @ to World Domination '' , he outlines his criteria for predicting the next president .
@ @ @ @ @ history , all thirteen keys are solidly behind one candidate , and that candidate is @ @ @

Political prophet Allan Lickman, PhD, has correctly predicted every presidential election since 1984, and has a surprising prediction for 2020.
He predicts that Kanye West will crush all opposition in the upcoming election, and win with a landslide in both the popular and electoral vote. Surprisingly, this means that Libertarian candidate Jo Jorgensen, once thought to be a favorite for the win, will actually lose. Not only that, but Lickman baffled experts by saying that Green Party candidate Howie Hawkins doesn't stand a chance.
In Lickman's book, "13 Keys to World Domination", he outlines his criteria for predicting the next president. For the first time in history, all thirteen keys are solidly behind one candidate, and that candidate is Kanye West.


thespoof--2020-08-09--Nancy Poozleosi Named Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldier Of Year By Biden

BILLINGSGATE POST : It has a nice ring to it : “ Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldier Of The Year ” .
For Nancy Poozleosi , this award has ended a frustrating period in her life .
She had been flying under the radar for months , not saying much since her churlish demonstration of what happens when you allow Donald Trump to rent space in your brain .
She sure showed him , when she tore up his speech .
Whatever she is chewing needs to be analyzed , her cud or whatever .
Her eyes , so sunken that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 'two piss holes in a snow bank ' , are her most distinctive feature ; unless you overlook her turkey neck and clapboard breasts .
Depravity doesn ’ t go quite far enough when describing her lifestyle .
She has one freezer in her mansion dedicated solely to decadent ice creams .
Living in San Francisco has its benefits .
Having to dodge stepping on feces and needles makes one more agile when strutting through the House corridors .
It is likely that , someday , she will have her face memorialized on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they demolish Washington , Jefferson , Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt to make room for her stone face .
Slim : “ I gather that Dr. B is not a fan of Nancy Poozleosi.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
She has a face only Marmaduke could love .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: It has a nice ring to it: “Lying Dog-Faced Pony Soldier Of The Year”. For Nancy Poozleosi, this award has ended a frustrating period in her life. She had been flying under the radar for months, not saying much since her churlish demonstration of what happens when you allow Donald Trump to rent space in your brain. She sure showed him, when she tore up his speech.
Whatever she is chewing needs to be analyzed, her cud or whatever. Her eyes, so sunken that they have been described as looking like 'two piss holes in a snow bank', are her most distinctive feature; unless you overlook her turkey neck and clapboard breasts.
Depravity doesn’t go quite far enough when describing her lifestyle. She has one freezer in her mansion dedicated solely to decadent ice creams. Living in San Francisco has its benefits. Having to dodge stepping on feces and needles makes one more agile when strutting through the House corridors.
It is likely that, someday, she will have her face memorialized on Mount Rushmore; that is, if they demolish Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln and Teddy Roosevelt to make room for her stone face.
Slim: “I gather that Dr. B is not a fan of Nancy Poozleosi.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. She has a face only Marmaduke could love.”


thespoof--2020-08-09--A Friends reunion special! ‘What have we done to deserve this?’

Rumours of a Friends reunion special being filmed when Covid restrictions are lifted , have caused a frenzy of activity .
People are ditching face masks , swapping saliva-dripping drinking glasses , and having face-licking orgies .
“ Is that all we have to do ?
” asked one worried comedy fan .
“ Just keep the virus spreading , then it wo n't come back - you promise ?
” “ I could release a plague of man-eating locusts into the studio or kill a few first borns to show we mean business , ” stated Father Seamus O @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s what ’ s required to protect our way of life , I ’ m your man.
” The special episode , ‘ The one where everyone pauses for a moment while the audience show their appreciation of the unique humour of Joey waving at himself in the mirror , but the moment lasts five minutes because someone forgot to switch on the canned laughter ’ , may be retitled for something longer , so that there ’ s no actual time for the show itself .
Cultural vacuum prevention plans include luring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I ’ m hoping we can start filming a back-to-back Bond trilogy when Covid restrictions are lifted , so there ’ ll be no time to film Friends , ” said a desperate Martin Scorsese .
“ I can see it now , ‘ The name ’ s Bond , Jennifer Bond ’ .
” A Black Ops unit will also psych out actor Matt Le Blanc by kidnapping Joey 's Lay-Z-boy chair .
“ Without it , they ’ re dead , ” said a NSA spokesperson .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the show .
”

Rumours of a Friends reunion special being filmed when Covid restrictions are lifted, have caused a frenzy of activity. People are ditching face masks, swapping saliva-dripping drinking glasses, and having face-licking orgies.
“Is that all we have to do?” asked one worried comedy fan. “Just keep the virus spreading, then it won't come back - you promise?”
“I could release a plague of man-eating locusts into the studio or kill a few first borns to show we mean business,” stated Father Seamus O’Hodge. “If that’s what’s required to protect our way of life, I’m your man.”
The special episode, ‘The one where everyone pauses for a moment while the audience show their appreciation of the unique humour of Joey waving at himself in the mirror, but the moment lasts five minutes because someone forgot to switch on the canned laughter’, may be retitled for something longer, so that there’s no actual time for the show itself.
Cultural vacuum prevention plans include luring one of the Friends to play Bond. “I’m hoping we can start filming a back-to-back Bond trilogy when Covid restrictions are lifted, so there’ll be no time to film Friends,” said a desperate Martin Scorsese. “I can see it now, ‘The name’s Bond, Jennifer Bond’.”
A Black Ops unit will also psych out actor Matt Le Blanc by kidnapping Joey's Lay-Z-boy chair.
“Without it, they’re dead,” said a NSA spokesperson. “It’s the most authentic part of the show.”


Dean Cain Captured

( Omaha ) – The nation breathes a sigh of relief , as Dean Cain , the actor who played @ @ @ @ @ series Lois and Clark , has been captured in downtown Omaha .
He escaped last @ @ @ @ @ in Los Angeles .
His capture was the culmination of a nationwide manhunt that stretched @ @ @ @ @ He was finally found living in a Sunglass Hut in a mall in Omaha , @ @ @ @ @ 12 police officers and a tranquilizer gun to subdue the wild Cain .
“ Someone @ @ @ @ @ to reason with , and even more difficult to take down , ” said local @ @ @ @ @ He will be returned to his room in Los Angeles , where treatments will continue @

(Omaha) – The nation breathes a sigh of relief, as Dean Cain, the actor who played Clark Kent in the television series Lois and Clark, has been captured in downtown Omaha. He escaped last Sunday night from his room in Los Angeles.
His capture was the culmination of a nationwide manhunt that stretched from California to Maine. He was finally found living in a Sunglass Hut in a mall in Omaha, Nebraska. The scene required 12 police officers and a tranquilizer gun to subdue the wild Cain. “Someone in his condition is difficult to reason with, and even more difficult to take down,” said local officer, Bert Simmons.
He will be returned to his room in Los Angeles, where treatments will continue.


thespoof--2020-08-09--Former Sheriff Joe Arpaio Puts The Blame For His Election Loss Totally on Donald Trump

PHOENIX – ( Satire News ) - The ex-sheriff of Maricopa county , Joe Arpaio , has been soundly defeated in his second attempt to win back his sheriff ’ s badge .
Arpaio was noted for making his prisoners dress in pink , including socks , shirts , underwear , raincoats , and swimsuits .
Many of the nation ’ s leading psychiatrists noted that this showed that the 88-year-old had a very odd , deep-rooted mama ’ s boy-type of fetish .
One noted sex therapist from Beverly Hills said that she is 98.1 % sure that “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ FBI director J. Edgar Hoover .
Hoover allegedly liked to dress up as Dorothy from the `` Wizard of Oz '' , as well as Scarlett O'Hara from `` Gone With The Wind '' .
Arpaio is very disappointed in President Trump .
He puts all the blame on DJT 's shoulders , because he spent so much damn time playing golf instead of campaigning for him .
The old former sheriff said losing feels awful .
He smiled and said that the golfing President will find out exactly how it feels in @ @ @ @ @

PHOENIX – (Satire News) - The ex-sheriff of Maricopa county, Joe Arpaio, has been soundly defeated in his second attempt to win back his sheriff’s badge.
Arpaio was noted for making his prisoners dress in pink, including socks, shirts, underwear, raincoats, and swimsuits.
Many of the nation’s leading psychiatrists noted that this showed that the 88-year-old had a very odd, deep-rooted mama’s boy-type of fetish.
One noted sex therapist from Beverly Hills said that she is 98.1% sure that “Pinky” had the same affliction as FBI director J. Edgar Hoover.
Hoover allegedly liked to dress up as Dorothy from the "Wizard of Oz", as well as Scarlett O'Hara from "Gone With The Wind".
Arpaio is very disappointed in President Trump. He puts all the blame on DJT's shoulders, because he spent so much damn time playing golf instead of campaigning for him.
The old former sheriff said losing feels awful. He smiled and said that the golfing President will find out exactly how it feels in a few more months.


thespoof--2020-08-09--Meghan Markle Reveals That Melania Trump Told Her She is Going to Vote for Joe Biden

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Spoof News ) - For the past year , the former Duchess of Sussex , Meghan Markle , and the Queen of the Potomac , Melania Trump , have become very good friends .
The two women have exchanged fudge recipes , make-up ideas , and even very intimate stuff about Melania ’ s husband , the President .
Markle joked that , if she were to call up Howard Stern and reveal some of the very personal , highly intimate secrets about the Donald , Stern could so easily blackmail him and receive lots @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal did .
Meghan said that stuff about Trump inamorata Stormy Daniels alone , could fill up half of any supermarket tabloid .
And poor , stressed-out Melania has not been able to hide the fact that she positively hates living in Washington , and especially in that swamp dump , the White House .
The First Lady confessed to Meghan that she wants to leave the D.C .
Swamp so bad , that she is going to vote for Joe Biden .
Melania Trump has mentioned to one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hopes that the wonderful , caring man from Delaware kicks her husband ’ s golfing ass all the way down to Mar-a-Lago .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Spoof News) - For the past year, the former Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, and the Queen of the Potomac, Melania Trump, have become very good friends.
The two women have exchanged fudge recipes, make-up ideas, and even very intimate stuff about Melania’s husband, the President.
Markle joked that, if she were to call up Howard Stern and reveal some of the very personal, highly intimate secrets about the Donald, Stern could so easily blackmail him and receive lots and lots of money, just like Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal did.
Meghan said that stuff about Trump inamorata Stormy Daniels alone, could fill up half of any supermarket tabloid.
And poor, stressed-out Melania has not been able to hide the fact that she positively hates living in Washington, and especially in that swamp dump, the White House.
The First Lady confessed to Meghan that she wants to leave the D.C. Swamp so bad, that she is going to vote for Joe Biden.
Melania Trump has mentioned to one of the White House cooks that she hopes that the wonderful, caring man from Delaware kicks her husband’s golfing ass all the way down to Mar-a-Lago.


thespoof--2020-08-10--America's ranking jumps in Math Aptitude Test

The United States has always been the home of gifted mathematicians .
The outstanding contribution of our math teachers is visible at the very top .
Our presidential swearing-in crowds have never been bigger , or the presidential approval ratings ever higher .
In the international math aptitude test rankings , our country has risen from 15th spot to 25th .
At the bottom of the heap , in number one position are the Chinese , followed by the Koreans and the Indians .
We are delighted because 25 is a much bigger number than 15 .
It is huge @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , paid a rich tribute to the current administration in ‘ Thinking Outside the Box ’ and looking at the math curriculum creatively .
He expressed confidence that grabbing the Number100 spot was within reach , if POTUS were re-elected .
He said , `` The future for the next generation was never this bright .
We will ensure that every high-schooler in America is able to do college-level addition and subtraction on a calculator . ''
The POTUS tweeted , “ Our schools are churning out hugely liderate kids .
The future @ @ @ @ @ @ @

The United States has always been the home of gifted mathematicians. The outstanding contribution of our math teachers is visible at the very top. Our presidential swearing-in crowds have never been bigger, or the presidential approval ratings ever higher.
In the international math aptitude test rankings, our country has risen from 15th spot to 25th. At the bottom of the heap, in number one position are the Chinese, followed by the Koreans and the Indians.
We are delighted because 25 is a much bigger number than 15. It is huge.
The Education Minister, Trump Jr., paid a rich tribute to the current administration in ‘Thinking Outside the Box’ and looking at the math curriculum creatively. He expressed confidence that grabbing the Number100 spot was within reach, if POTUS were re-elected.
He said, "The future for the next generation was never this bright. We will ensure that every high-schooler in America is able to do college-level addition and subtraction on a calculator."
The POTUS tweeted, “Our schools are churning out hugely liderate kids. The future of America is expectionaly intellgant.”