thespoof--2020-05-14--President Trump's Facemask Appears To Be Secured By Elastic That Passes Straight Through His Head

The big news is that , finally , President Donald Trump has been persuaded to 'do the right thing ' @ @ @ @ @ and wear a facemask .
The really big news is that his facemask appears to @ @ @ @ @ elastic strap into his ears , and right through his head , in the area @ @ @ @ @ The photograph of the President wearing his mask surfaced on the internet yesterday , and @ @ @ @ @ social media platforms .
It was thought that Mr. Trump must have undergone delicate surgery @ @ @ @ @ strap through his ear canals without damaging them .
A White House source confirmed that @ @ @ @ @ carried out on Tuesday , and that 'industrial grade ' elastic had been used to @ @ @ @ @ off .

The big news is that, finally, President Donald Trump has been persuaded to 'do the right thing', take medical advice, and wear a facemask.
The really big news is that his facemask appears to be secured by slotting the elastic strap into his ears, and right through his head, in the area where his brain should be.
The photograph of the President wearing his mask surfaced on the internet yesterday, and immediately set tongues wagging on social media platforms.
It was thought that Mr. Trump must have undergone delicate surgery to successfully weave the elastic strap through his ear canals without damaging them.
A White House source confirmed that the intricate procedure had been carried out on Tuesday, and that 'industrial grade' elastic had been used to prevent Trump taking the mask off.


thespoof--2020-05-13--Why Does Nancy Poozleosi Have Two Sets Of Eyebrows?

BILLINGSGATE POST : To the casual observer , a lady with two sets of eyebrows should not raise eyebrows .
But crack detective , Detrick “ Dirty Trick ” Detwiler , is not a casual observer .
Au contraire .
Dirty is all business and some .
Besides squeezing off popcorn farts in his 1957 Studebaker Champion , he never missed a beat .
His gaseous discharges , as related by longtime stakeout partner , Slim Everdingle , “ left a carbon footprint in his skivvies more lethal than the devastation and the destruction of Pompeii.
” Added Everdingle : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the Smithsonian.
” Fellow detectives admired him for his stealth .
Although some said that his only redeeming quality was refraining from laughing as his partner gagged , he was the first to offer to buy donuts and coffee during stakeouts .
What has this to do with Nancy Poozleosi and her double eyebrows ?
BINGO !
It was his attention to details that separated him from other professionals .
Detwiler : “ When I first saw her , I thought that I was seeing double .
Her eyes looked like two @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Slim : “ Why would anyone piss in a snow bank twice ?
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
Scatologically speaking , that 's what keeps me up nights .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: To the casual observer, a lady with two sets of eyebrows should not raise eyebrows. But crack detective, Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, is not a casual observer.
Au contraire. Dirty is all business and some. Besides squeezing off popcorn farts in his 1957 Studebaker Champion, he never missed a beat. His gaseous discharges, as related by longtime stakeout partner, Slim Everdingle, “left a carbon footprint in his skivvies more lethal than the devastation and the destruction of Pompeii.”
Added Everdingle: “Someday his shorts will be displayed in the Smithsonian.”
Fellow detectives admired him for his stealth. Although some said that his only redeeming quality was refraining from laughing as his partner gagged, he was the first to offer to buy donuts and coffee during stakeouts.
What has this to do with Nancy Poozleosi and her double eyebrows?
BINGO! It was his attention to details that separated him from other professionals.
Detwiler: “When I first saw her, I thought that I was seeing double. Her eyes looked like two piss holes in a snow bank.”
Slim: “Why would anyone piss in a snow bank twice?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Scatologically speaking, that's what keeps me up nights.”


thespoof--2020-05-13--Queens Man Admits to Being Non-Essential Worker

Notwithstanding the documentation partially exempting him from the COVID-19 lockdown and authorizing him to leave his house to travel to the grocery store where he has been employed for nearly two years , Harry White of Queens , New York , admitted to not being a truly essential worker .
“ I do my job and all , but they could get by without me , ” said 26-year-old White .
“ They did for a long time .
There ’ s people who deserve essential worker status much more than me . ''
Not only is he not an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s not even the hardest worker at the market where he stocks shelves .
“ I ’ m steady , but I ’ m not that fast .
And I sometimes slack off a little after lunch , '' he said .
`` Plus , stocking isn ’ t exactly rocket science .
The cashiers can do it in a pinch .
But I can ’ t do their job because I haven ’ t trained on how to use the register.
” While White ’ s disclosure has caused some to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the designation of certain workers as “ essential ” , White himself isn ’ t aiming to buck any systems or to question the governor ’ s discretion in any way ; he ’ s simply following his mother ’ s advice to stay humble .
“ We may not have a lot of freedom right now , but one thing the government ca n't take is my integrity , '' he said .
`` I 'll never pretend to be something I 'm not . ''

Notwithstanding the documentation partially exempting him from the COVID-19 lockdown and authorizing him to leave his house to travel to the grocery store where he has been employed for nearly two years, Harry White of Queens, New York, admitted to not being a truly essential worker.
“I do my job and all, but they could get by without me,” said 26-year-old White. “They did for a long time. There’s people who deserve essential worker status much more than me."
Not only is he not an essential worker, said White, he’s not even the hardest worker at the market where he stocks shelves. “I’m steady, but I’m not that fast. And I sometimes slack off a little after lunch," he said. "Plus, stocking isn’t exactly rocket science. The cashiers can do it in a pinch. But I can’t do their job because I haven’t trained on how to use the register.”
While White’s disclosure has caused some to call into question the regulatory procedures behind the designation of certain workers as “essential”, White himself isn’t aiming to buck any systems or to question the governor’s discretion in any way; he’s simply following his mother’s advice to stay humble. “We may not have a lot of freedom right now, but one thing the government can't take is my integrity," he said. "I'll never pretend to be something I'm not."


thespoof--2020-05-13--President Trump Has Been Forced to Wear a Protective Medical Mask

WASHINGTON , D.C. – After weeks and weeks of saying that he will never wear a medical mask , President Trump has relented .
And he is only going to wear it because he has been instructed by the FBI , the CIA , and the IUD , that he must comply with United States Coronavirus Medical Policy Directive Statute # 97-102 .
This policy statute , nicknamed “ The Lone Ranger Rides Again ” , clearly states that everyone in the United States , even the president , will adhere to the United States Coronavirus Medical Policy Directive Statute @ @ @ @ @ @ @ imprisoned for a period not to exceed two years .
A White House insider said that POTUS is extremely furious that he is being forced to comply with the directive .
The insider added that Trump has instructed his attorney , Segundo Juarez , to go ahead and file lawsuits against the FBI , the CIA , and the IUD .
The FBI stated that no one is above the law .
The CIA commented that Trump has to lead by example , and the IUD simply said , “ Look , we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 's all remember the famous words of Joan of Arc who once said , “ Damnit , enough is enough .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After weeks and weeks of saying that he will never wear a medical mask, President Trump has relented.
And he is only going to wear it because he has been instructed by the FBI, the CIA, and the IUD, that he must comply with United States Coronavirus Medical Policy Directive Statute #97-102.
This policy statute, nicknamed “The Lone Ranger Rides Again”, clearly states that everyone in the United States, even the president, will adhere to the United States Coronavirus Medical Policy Directive Statute or risk being fined $7,000 and/or imprisoned for a period not to exceed two years.
A White House insider said that POTUS is extremely furious that he is being forced to comply with the directive.
The insider added that Trump has instructed his attorney, Segundo Juarez, to go ahead and file lawsuits against the FBI, the CIA, and the IUD.
The FBI stated that no one is above the law. The CIA commented that Trump has to lead by example, and the IUD simply said, “Look, we are done fooling around here. Let's all remember the famous words of Joan of Arc who once said, “Damnit, enough is enough.”


thespoof--2020-05-13--Oklahoma City Residents are Shocked as a Volcano Forms Overnight

OKLAHOMA CITY – Long-time hairstylist , Brucey “ Skippy ” LaFondue , said that , as he was headed to work at his beauty salon , he noticed smoke coming from a street gutter .
As he got closer , he saw that the smoke was coming from a mound of dirt that had formed on the curb .
LaFondue took out his cell phone and took 13 photos .
He sent them to his relatives in San Francisco and Queens .
He then called 911 and reported the smoke .
He took 7 photos of the mini-volcano , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is serving seven years for armed robbery in Tulsa 's Dust Bowl State Prison .
A local television weather girl , Sadie Savannah Sackamanna , 29 , happened upon the scene , and said that the volcano was sitting on the old Sooner Schooner Earthquake Fault .
The fault was first discovered back on October 15 , 1872 , by a group of discombobulated sooner pioneers that were headed east to Brooklyn .
The four-times-divorced Sackamanna said that the volcano will continue to grow in size , and could eventually end up being @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but without the faces , of course .
When asked by the mayor if there is anyway to keep it from growing , Ms. Sackamanna thought for a few seconds , touched up her lipstick , and replied , “ Well , I highly recommend that we definitely don ’ t water the friggin ’ son-of-a-bitch that ’ s for damn-effen-sure .
”

OKLAHOMA CITY – Long-time hairstylist, Brucey “Skippy” LaFondue, said that, as he was headed to work at his beauty salon, he noticed smoke coming from a street gutter.
As he got closer, he saw that the smoke was coming from a mound of dirt that had formed on the curb.
LaFondue took out his cell phone and took 13 photos. He sent them to his relatives in San Francisco and Queens.
He then called 911 and reported the smoke.
A full 19 minutes later, a motorcycle policeman showed up.
He took 7 photos of the mini-volcano, which he sent to his mom, who is serving seven years for armed robbery in Tulsa's Dust Bowl State Prison.
A local television weather girl, Sadie Savannah Sackamanna, 29, happened upon the scene, and said that the volcano was sitting on the old Sooner Schooner Earthquake Fault.
The fault was first discovered back on October 15, 1872, by a group of discombobulated sooner pioneers that were headed east to Brooklyn.
The four-times-divorced Sackamanna said that the volcano will continue to grow in size, and could eventually end up being about as big as Mount Rushmore, but without the faces, of course.
When asked by the mayor if there is anyway to keep it from growing, Ms. Sackamanna thought for a few seconds, touched up her lipstick, and replied, “Well, I highly recommend that we definitely don’t water the friggin’ son-of-a-bitch that’s for damn-effen-sure.”


thespoof--2020-05-14--President Trump's Facemask Speaks Out

President Trump's Facemask Speaks Out

The facemask being worn by US president , Donald Trump , has broken its silence , and spoken out about what it calls `` the worst job in the world '' , preventing the Coronavirus entering Trump 's nose and mouth .
President Trump had resisted all attempts to get him to show a good example , and wear a mask , insisting that Covid-19 is not of a sufficient caliber of deadly virus to harm his all-powerful self .
Now , he has relented , possibly sensing a profitable business proposition .
`` Yeah , it 's the worst @ @ @ @ @ @ @ worst gob in the world !
Who 'd wan na be preventin ' this schmuck from gettin ' infected ?
I tell ya , just my rotten luck ! ''
It 's not easy being attached to Trump 's mug .
The mask : '' That 's right .
Listenin ' to him spoutin ' bullshit all day long is no picnic !
Dribblin , slavverin ' , spittin ' forth bile , never-endin ' streams of lies , fairy tales and baby talk .
Jeeeeezus Christ ! ''
And then there 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Oh , yeah !
The putrid vapors comin ' up from this guy 's stomach makes me wonda what the fuck 's goin ' on down there !
Does this asshole keep vomit as a pet ?
A trip to an oral hygienist is looooong overdue - that 's if one would agree to take a look into his toilet bowl of a mouth ! ''
President Trump has said that , despite all medical advice to the contrary , he wo n't be changing his face mask , and will demonstrate to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if cleaned properly , can last for months .
The mask , when told , said :

The facemask being worn by US president, Donald Trump, has broken its silence, and spoken out about what it calls "the worst job in the world", preventing the Coronavirus entering Trump's nose and mouth.
President Trump had resisted all attempts to get him to show a good example, and wear a mask, insisting that Covid-19 is not of a sufficient caliber of deadly virus to harm his all-powerful self.
Now, he has relented, possibly sensing a profitable business proposition.
The facemask said:
"Yeah, it's the worst job in the world, on the worst gob in the world! Who'd wanna be preventin' this schmuck from gettin' infected? I tell ya, just my rotten luck!"
It's not easy being attached to Trump's mug. The mask:
"That's right. Listenin' to him spoutin' bullshit all day long is no picnic! Dribblin, slavverin', spittin' forth bile, never-endin' streams of lies, fairy tales and baby talk. Jeeeeezus Christ!"
And then there's the halitosis to deal with:
"Oh, yeah! The putrid vapors comin' up from this guy's stomach makes me wonda what the fuck's goin' on down there! Does this asshole keep vomit as a pet? A trip to an oral hygienist is looooong overdue - that's if one would agree to take a look into his toilet bowl of a mouth!"
President Trump has said that, despite all medical advice to the contrary, he won't be changing his face mask, and will demonstrate to the public that a single mask, if cleaned properly, can last for months.
The mask, when told, said:
"Holy shit!"


thespoof--2020-05-13--Attorney General Barr Goes To Hell To Free Charles Manson’s Soul

Forgoing all the myths of Hell , Attorney General William Barr went to the abyss of doom in order to free Charles Manson ’ s soul from chains of eternal damnation .
But getting to Hell wasn ’ t so easy .
He had to go through a portal in the men ’ s room at the bottom of the US capital .
The portal took him to a bank of 50 elevators that all went to the bowels of the earth .
Unfortunately for Barr , only one elevator was working .
He had to stand in a long @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were getting on a Carnival Cruise ship cruise .
It took him three hours to finally get into the elevator .
There was only one button in the lift and that was an arrow pointing down .
When he got there the gates were surrounded by fire and flint .
When he asked the gate keepers why the gates weren ’ t encased in fire and brimstone , the guard simply said : `` Have you seen the price of brimstone these days ?
It is outrageous , everybody wants it .
As @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the devil ’ s advocates left and opened up a place called Well .
That is where all the executives from Wall Street are going .
It is rumored that , in Well , they only burn you on Monday , Wednesday and Friday .
They are flush with brimstone . ''
Barr had with him a bucket of ice water to give to Manson when he met him .
The guard , seeing the ice water , stated : `` You can ’ t bring ice into Hell .
If you do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The sentence is 3000 years stuck in a cell with Howard Cosell . ''
When he asked to see Satan , the devil ’ s advocate showed up immediately .
He was dressed in a floral shirt , high-waisted pleated pants and platform shoes .
His horns were upside down .
He examined Barr , and inquired what he wanted .
`` I want to talk to Satan about releasing Charles Manson ’ s soul , '' Barr replied .
`` Ooooh , '' started the advocate .
`` Satan is in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t working , because none of the elevator repair men have gone to hell .
He hasn ’ t had one guy named Otis for the last 50 years . ''
Barr then slipped the advocate a rock of brimstone , and asked : `` Does this help ? ''
`` But , of course , just follow me , '' and led him to the Devil .
When he met Satan , he told him he wanted to free Charles Manson ’ s soul .
The Devil just shook his head @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He escaped from his chains a week ago .
He is now a bond trader on Wall Street . ''
As of press time , Charles Manson ’ s soul tried to take over Donald Trump ’ s body , but was ejected because there was no toilet paper in the White House .

Forgoing all the myths of Hell, Attorney General William Barr went to the abyss of doom in order to free Charles Manson’s soul from chains of eternal damnation. But getting to Hell wasn’t so easy. He had to go through a portal in the men’s room at the bottom of the US capital. The portal took him to a bank of 50 elevators that all went to the bowels of the earth. Unfortunately for Barr, only one elevator was working. He had to stand in a long line of condemned souls who thought they were getting on a Carnival Cruise ship cruise. It took him three hours to finally get into the elevator.
There was only one button in the lift and that was an arrow pointing down.
When he got there the gates were surrounded by fire and flint. When he asked the gate keepers why the gates weren’t encased in fire and brimstone, the guard simply said: "Have you seen the price of brimstone these days? It is outrageous, everybody wants it. As a matter of fact, one of the devil’s advocates left and opened up a place called Well. That is where all the executives from Wall Street are going. It is rumored that, in Well, they only burn you on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. They are flush with brimstone."
Barr had with him a bucket of ice water to give to Manson when he met him. The guard, seeing the ice water, stated: "You can’t bring ice into Hell. If you do, you will be punished severely. The sentence is 3000 years stuck in a cell with Howard Cosell."
When he asked to see Satan, the devil’s advocate showed up immediately. He was dressed in a floral shirt, high-waisted pleated pants and platform shoes. His horns were upside down. He examined Barr, and inquired what he wanted.
"I want to talk to Satan about releasing Charles Manson’s soul," Barr replied.
"Ooooh," started the advocate. "Satan is in a bad mood because all the elevators aren’t working, because none of the elevator repair men have gone to hell. He hasn’t had one guy named Otis for the last 50 years."
Barr then slipped the advocate a rock of brimstone, and asked: "Does this help?"
"But, of course, just follow me," and led him to the Devil.
When he met Satan, he told him he wanted to free Charles Manson’s soul. The Devil just shook his head, and said: "Sorry. He escaped from his chains a week ago. He is now a bond trader on Wall Street."
As of press time, Charles Manson’s soul tried to take over Donald Trump’s body, but was ejected because there was no toilet paper in the White House.


thespoof--2020-05-14--UNMASKED: Biden Phone Calls To Cannabis Store Revealed

BILLINGSGATE POST : In an exclusive to the BILLINGSGATE POST , it was revealed today that the CIA , FBI @ @ @ @ @ Geospatial-Intelligence Agency and the Defense Intelligence Agency , all had been monitoring Joe Biden ’ @ @ @ @ @ basement of his suburban Delaware home .
Richard Grenell , newly appointed by President Trump @ @ @ @ @ , placed a surreptitious phone call to POST crack investigative reporter , Detrick “ Dirty @ @ @ @ @ last night .
His voice was strained , as if he were trying to modulate @ @ @ @ @ : “ Detrick : We finally got that dope smoking sum b*tch .
No wonder @ @ @ @ @ control .
Sleepy Joe just placed an order to High Over U Dispensary last night @ @ @ @ @ Sucker .
“ Remember .
You didn ’ t hear this from me.
” Slim @ @ @ @ @ , Dirty .
Could be a Pulitzer Prize for that story.
” Dirty : “ @ @ @ @ @ to know people in high places .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: In an exclusive to the BILLINGSGATE POST, it was revealed today that the CIA, FBI, NSA, The National Geospatial-Intelligence Agency and the Defense Intelligence Agency, all had been monitoring Joe Biden’s phone calls from the basement of his suburban Delaware home.
Richard Grenell, newly appointed by President Trump as Director of National Intelligence, placed a surreptitious phone call to POST crack investigative reporter, Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, late last night.
His voice was strained, as if he were trying to modulate his voice to remain anonymous:
“Detrick: We finally got that dope smoking sum b*tch. No wonder his brain is on remote control. Sleepy Joe just placed an order to High Over U Dispensary last night for 30 grams of Sayonara Sucker.
“Remember. You didn’t hear this from me.”
Slim: “Run with it, Dirty. Could be a Pulitzer Prize for that story.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Pays to know people in high places.”


thespoof--2020-05-14--McDonalds To Open In White House Grounds

In news that will be , to people all over the US , somewhat unbelievable , it 's been announced @ @ @ @ @ 's most popular fast food chain , and personal favorite of President Donald Trump , @ @ @ @ @ to set up an outlet in the grounds of the White House .
The 'restaurant @ @ @ @ @ branch .
The decision to allow McDonalds to move into the garden at 1600 Pennsylvania @ @ @ @ @ been made by the Supreme Leader , himself , and the shop is to erected @ @ @ @ @ next week .
The President has said that he is looking forward to being the @ @ @ @ @ staff have said he might turn out to be the only customer .

In news that will be, to people all over the US, somewhat unbelievable, it's been announced that McDonalds, the world's most popular fast food chain, and personal favorite of President Donald Trump, has been given the go-ahead to set up an outlet in the grounds of the White House.
The 'restaurant' will be a 24-hour branch.
The decision to allow McDonalds to move into the garden at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue is thought to have been made by the Supreme Leader, himself, and the shop is to erected quickly, and will open next week.
The President has said that he is looking forward to being the first customer.
White House staff have said he might turn out to be the only customer.


thespoof--2020-05-14--Americans Attempting to Speak Truth to Power Hindered by State-Mandated Face Masks

Troubled by the infringement of civil liberties imposed in the name of curbing the spread of COVID-19 , Americans seeking to speak truth to power have been hindered by the presence of their State-mandated face masks .
“ There 's been an unprecedented abridgment of our fundamental freedoms , and yet hardly anyone is even asking any questions ! ''
a man standing outside Tompkins Square Park in New York City ’ s East Village attempted to shout through the bandana covering his mouth and nose .
`` Do you even want to be free ? ''
he asked a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ him a wide berth on the sidewalk , well beyond the compulsory six feet .
The only response he received was from a woman who said , `` I just want to get my groceries and go home and disinfect the bottoms of my shoes.
” Another masked man , reprimanded by a police officer to move along when he paused for a moment on the nearly empty sidewalk to bask in the morning sunlight , also tried to speak truth , not to people , but to power - likewise without much @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like pursuit of happiness – mean anything to you ? ''
he attempted to demand of the officer , his words muffled by his face mask .
`` Didn ’ t you take a vow to uphold and protect the Constitution ?
” “ You 're babbling incoherently and posing a risk to public safety , ” the officer warned .
“ If you say anything else , I ’ ll have to arrest you .
I can inform you that the handcuffs have been sanitized since their last use.
” Hundreds of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Congress , one outspoken legislator tried to raise concerns about First Amendment rights with President Donald Trump , noting the allegorical significance of the fact that , as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown , the large majority of Americans remained either confined to their homes under stay at home orders or , if in public , were wearing State-mandated face masks covering their mouths and impeding their ability to express themselves .
“ Allegory , what ’ s an allegory ?
” said Trump “ This has nothing to do with freedom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And the Democrats are okay with it , too , so I ’ m not sure what you ’ re complaining about.
” Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Senator Joe Biden , instrumental in leading the United States into war with Iraq in 2003 , chimed in , “ Keep in mind , no one will be free if we don ’ t win this war against the virus .
And in any war , there are going to be some casualties .
It may as well be a few rights no one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ `` See , told you the Democrats were cool with this , '' said Trump .
`` Now let 's get back to talking about this wall . ''

Troubled by the infringement of civil liberties imposed in the name of curbing the spread of COVID-19, Americans seeking to speak truth to power have been hindered by the presence of their State-mandated face masks.
“There's been an unprecedented abridgment of our fundamental freedoms, and yet hardly anyone is even asking any questions!" a man standing outside Tompkins Square Park in New York City’s East Village attempted to shout through the bandana covering his mouth and nose. "Do you even want to be free?" he asked a handful of similarly-masked passers-by, who gave him a wide berth on the sidewalk, well beyond the compulsory six feet.
The only response he received was from a woman who said, "I just want to get my groceries and go home and disinfect the bottoms of my shoes.”
Another masked man, reprimanded by a police officer to move along when he paused for a moment on the nearly empty sidewalk to bask in the morning sunlight, also tried to speak truth, not to people, but to power - likewise without much success. “Do inalienable rights – like pursuit of happiness – mean anything to you?" he attempted to demand of the officer, his words muffled by his face mask. "Didn’t you take a vow to uphold and protect the Constitution?”
“You're babbling incoherently and posing a risk to public safety,” the officer warned. “If you say anything else, I’ll have to arrest you. I can inform you that the handcuffs have been sanitized since their last use.”
Hundreds of miles away, in the United States Congress, one outspoken legislator tried to raise concerns about First Amendment rights with President Donald Trump, noting the allegorical significance of the fact that, as a result of the COVID-19 lockdown, the large majority of Americans remained either confined to their homes under stay at home orders or, if in public, were wearing State-mandated face masks covering their mouths and impeding their ability to express themselves.
“Allegory, what’s an allegory?” said Trump “This has nothing to do with freedom of expression. It's purely administrative. And the Democrats are okay with it, too, so I’m not sure what you’re complaining about.”
Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Senator Joe Biden, instrumental in leading the United States into war with Iraq in 2003, chimed in, “Keep in mind, no one will be free if we don’t win this war against the virus. And in any war, there are going to be some casualties. It may as well be a few rights no one was using much, anyway."
"See, told you the Democrats were cool with this," said Trump. "Now let's get back to talking about this wall."


thespoof--2020-05-14--Sears Employees Unaware of Pandemic Stay at Home Order

( Williston , ND ) .
Like Japanese soldiers holding out on remote islands after WWII , Sears employees in this sleepy North Dakota town were surprised to learn that their community was under a stay at home order , and has been for the past eight weeks .
We visited them at the empty retail outlet and asked why they continued to go to work in spite of the order .
“ We simply did not know , ” said Benjamin Gold , who works in the electronics section on weekends .
“ Sure , I thought it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when we ran our annual sale on flip-phones , as we typically see one or two of the more ‘ established ’ members of our community visit , and no one showed up .
I figured New Hope Wesleyan was hosting another bingo tournament.
” Harper Smith , of the Men ’ s Clothing department recalled the last time she helped a customer .
“ I don ’ t exactly remember how long ago it was .
He doited around for some time , trying to find the perfect pair of practical socks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the effort to write a check for the purchase , as the flatbed credit card imprinter is cumbersome and always gets jammed.
” William Grayson , Appliance Manager , added : “ It is not like we have not kept busy .
You have no idea how much upkeep has to be done on these ten-year old refrigerators and pilot-light ovens so we can sell them as ‘ new ’ .
Likewise , George over in Hardware has spent several days putting up new displays of blacksmith tools and hand-cranked drills.
” When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ home now that they are aware of the order , Suzie Smallmouth , apparel shift manager , said she would continue to come in .
“ Look , I like it here .
It is quiet .
I am in charge of the flannel shirts , part of the Al Borland line , and no one can fold and stack like I can .
What if a customer comes in and wants to try one on , or worse yet , needs advice on which flannel pattern to pair with cuffed jeans and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ manager , added : “ You know , back in the early nineteen hundreds , we sold tombstones and other grave markers .
What with this China virus going around , I think we can revive our ‘ Catalogue of Memorial Art in Granite and Marble ’ and actually get some of our original clientele back , as they are in the high-risk category .
Umm , well , the relatives of those customers , anyway .
”

(Williston, ND). Like Japanese soldiers holding out on remote islands after WWII, Sears employees in this sleepy North Dakota town were surprised to learn that their community was under a stay at home order, and has been for the past eight weeks. We visited them at the empty retail outlet and asked why they continued to go to work in spite of the order.
“We simply did not know,” said Benjamin Gold, who works in the electronics section on weekends. “Sure, I thought it was strange last month not to serve customers when we ran our annual sale on flip-phones, as we typically see one or two of the more ‘established’ members of our community visit, and no one showed up. I figured New Hope Wesleyan was hosting another bingo tournament.”
Harper Smith, of the Men’s Clothing department recalled the last time she helped a customer. “I don’t exactly remember how long ago it was. He doited around for some time, trying to find the perfect pair of practical socks. I was so happy he made the effort to write a check for the purchase, as the flatbed credit card imprinter is cumbersome and always gets jammed.”
William Grayson, Appliance Manager, added: “It is not like we have not kept busy. You have no idea how much upkeep has to be done on these ten-year old refrigerators and pilot-light ovens so we can sell them as ‘new’. Likewise, George over in Hardware has spent several days putting up new displays of blacksmith tools and hand-cranked drills.”
When asked if the employees will stay at home now that they are aware of the order, Suzie Smallmouth, apparel shift manager, said she would continue to come in. “Look, I like it here. It is quiet. I am in charge of the flannel shirts, part of the Al Borland line, and no one can fold and stack like I can. What if a customer comes in and wants to try one on, or worse yet, needs advice on which flannel pattern to pair with cuffed jeans and Skechers?”
Glenn Sturgis, store manager, added: “You know, back in the early nineteen hundreds, we sold tombstones and other grave markers. What with this China virus going around, I think we can revive our ‘Catalogue of Memorial Art in Granite and Marble’ and actually get some of our original clientele back, as they are in the high-risk category. Umm, well, the relatives of those customers, anyway.”


thespoof--2020-05-14--President Trump Bans Chinese Fortune Cookies in The White House

WASHINGTON , D.C. – A reliable White House source has said that the President is very upset with Chinese leader @ @ @ @ @ that POTUS has placed the total blame for the Coronavirus on a supermarket Chinese checker @ @ @ @ @ is furious .
Xi Jinping has told Trump that he has no proof , and @ @ @ @ @ C-19 came from a Chinese fast food restaurant in Brooklyn , Boston , or maybe @ @ @ @ @ replied that if he does not admit that the Chinese Flu Virus came from China @ @ @ @ @ off a missile that will land in a vacant area south of the Chinese city @ @ @ @ @ The Chinese leader replied by saying `` go ahead '' , and the next time @ @ @ @ @ to waste the American taxpayers ’ money playing golf , he ( Xi ) will @ @ @ @ @ will land right smack dab in the middle of his master bedroom .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A reliable White House source has said that the President is very upset with Chinese leader Xi Jinping.
It seems that POTUS has placed the total blame for the Coronavirus on a supermarket Chinese checker, and the Chinese leader is furious.
Xi Jinping has told Trump that he has no proof, and it is possible that maybe C-19 came from a Chinese fast food restaurant in Brooklyn, Boston, or maybe even Biloxi.
Trump angrily replied that if he does not admit that the Chinese Flu Virus came from China, he may just fire off a missile that will land in a vacant area south of the Chinese city of Dong Ding Dong.
The Chinese leader replied by saying "go ahead", and the next time he goes down to Mar-a-Lago to waste the American taxpayers’ money playing golf, he (Xi) will fire off a missile that will land right smack dab in the middle of his master bedroom.


thespoof--2020-05-14--President Trump is Being Treated For Unerectus Tongulitus

The doctor immediately said that it was not his place to comment on his personal health issue one way or another .
He then commented that reporters should call the president ’ s personal physician Dr. Yang Fu Fi , and talk to him .
When asked for his phone number , Dr. Fauci readily gave it out to the entire White House media .
When reporters spoke with Dr. Fu Fi , they were told that POTUS has contracted a condition known as Unerectus Tongulitus .
None of the reporters had ever heard of it , so one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Unerectus Tongulitus is a condition of the mouth , in which the patient ’ s tongue becomes limp .
When asked what causes it , Dr. Fu Fi said that UnTon is caused when a person speaks way too much , and constantly tries to explain things that are really unexplainable .
He added that it can also occur when an individual just simply lies constantly and then later says that he was just joking , or just kidding , or that he was just basically acting like a horse ’ s ass @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at present , there really is no cure .
He did point out that , if it persists , the condition could possibly work its way down to the President 's pecker .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Dr. Anthony Fauci was asked about President Trump’s medical condition.
The doctor immediately said that it was not his place to comment on his personal health issue one way or another.
He then commented that reporters should call the president’s personal physician Dr. Yang Fu Fi, and talk to him.
When asked for his phone number, Dr. Fauci readily gave it out to the entire White House media.
When reporters spoke with Dr. Fu Fi, they were told that POTUS has contracted a condition known as Unerectus Tongulitus.
None of the reporters had ever heard of it, so one of them googled it.
He said that Unerectus Tongulitus is a condition of the mouth, in which the patient’s tongue becomes limp.
When asked what causes it, Dr. Fu Fi said that UnTon is caused when a person speaks way too much, and constantly tries to explain things that are really unexplainable.
He added that it can also occur when an individual just simply lies constantly and then later says that he was just joking, or just kidding, or that he was just basically acting like a horse’s ass.
Dr. Fu Fi stated that, at present, there really is no cure. He did point out that, if it persists, the condition could possibly work its way down to the President's pecker.


thespoof--2020-05-14--The President Trump–Robert De Niro Feud Catches Fire

HOLLYWOOD – Famed Tinsel Town actor , Robert De Niro , says that , if President Trump were a race @ @ @ @ @ been put out to pasture four months ago .
De Niro , who says he @ @ @ @ @ than sardines hate oil spills , stated that Trump knows about as much about running @ @ @ @ @ knows about trigonometry .
POTUS fired back by saying that Robert should have quit the @ @ @ @ @ loser film “ The Fockers Visit The La Brea Tar Pits.
” He then said @ @ @ @ @ how De NIro could be an actor considering he has a pronounced lisp , three @ @ @ @ @ uvula .
De Niro said that he met Melania at a charity ping pong tournament @ @ @ @ @ Bob said that she was very nice , very polite , and very voluptuous .
@ @ @ @ @ confided in him that sometimes when CNN or MSNBC hammer the president pretty good , @ @ @ @ @ a red MAGA pacifier .

HOLLYWOOD – Famed Tinsel Town actor, Robert De Niro, says that, if President Trump were a race horse, he would have been put out to pasture four months ago.
De Niro, who says he hates the Trumpster even more than sardines hate oil spills, stated that Trump knows about as much about running the country as a canary knows about trigonometry.
POTUS fired back by saying that Robert should have quit the movie business after making the loser film “The Fockers Visit The La Brea Tar Pits.”
He then said that he does not know how De NIro could be an actor considering he has a pronounced lisp, three thumbs, and a dangling uvula.
De Niro said that he met Melania at a charity ping pong tournament in Pomona last year.
Bob said that she was very nice, very polite, and very voluptuous.
He then said that she confided in him that sometimes when CNN or MSNBC hammer the president pretty good, he goes to bed with a red MAGA pacifier.


thespoof--2020-05-14--Donald Trump Calls Dr. Fauci’s Answer Not Acceptable

Failing in an attempt to hold his arms together across his chest , but trying anyway for the whole world to witness , Donald Trump announced that Dr. Fauci ’ s answer was , Not acceptable .
What was the question ?
“ Is it safe for schools to open in the fall and for students to go back to school ?
” According to thrice-married Donald Trump , who is a veteran of a well-established one-nighter with a porn star , and accused of several abusive sexual encounters , joyfully confessing to grabbing women by the pussy , apparent @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in Vietnam , ( a situation also defined as a draft-dodger ) Trump said that Dr. Fauci ’ s reply about the safety of children returning to school was , Not acceptable .
Where does Donald Trump get his expertise to quash a scientifically based reply like Dr. Fauci ’ s ?
Maybe from the fact that three of Trump ’ s gambling casinos went bankrupt ?
Also , it appears to be strange , even peculiar , that someone who receives free room and board at the White House would at least @ @ @ @ @ @ @ First Amendment ?
Pssst , it ’ s Freedom of Speech !
Therefore , you may not agree with a reply , but it is indeed acceptable .
Facts aside , the wonder is that Dr. Fauci did not buy into the garage-sale echo chamber one must surrender to when working for Donald Trump .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Failing in an attempt to hold his arms together across his chest, but trying anyway for the whole world to witness, Donald Trump announced that Dr. Fauci’s answer was, Not acceptable. What was the question?
“Is it safe for schools to open in the fall and for students to go back to school?”
Answer? Fast and straightforward by Dr. Fauci, ”No.“
According to thrice-married Donald Trump, who is a veteran of a well-established one-nighter with a porn star, and accused of several abusive sexual encounters, joyfully confessing to grabbing women by the pussy, apparent deception about bone spurs to avoid service in Vietnam, (a situation also defined as a draft-dodger) Trump said that Dr. Fauci’s reply about the safety of children returning to school was, Not acceptable.
Where does Donald Trump get his expertise to quash a scientifically based reply like Dr. Fauci’s?
Maybe from the fact that three of Trump’s gambling casinos went bankrupt?
Also, it appears to be strange, even peculiar, that someone who receives free room and board at the White House would at least know one of the rights of the First Amendment?
Pssst, it’s Freedom of Speech! Therefore, you may not agree with a reply, but it is indeed acceptable.
Facts aside, the wonder is that Dr. Fauci did not buy into the garage-sale echo chamber one must surrender to when working for Donald Trump.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-05-12--Trump: Kentucky Could Make Battleships

Trump: Kentucky Could Make Battleships

AP -- The Defense Production Act to order U.S. manufacturers to make equipment to fight the Coronavirus has been rejected @ @ @ @ @ called on governors to make the masks , swabs , testing chemicals , and ventilators @ @ @ @ @ supplies will be corrected .
Indeed , he says that , mandating Governors to provide @ @ @ @ @ issue .
He explained , “ We have a federal system which mandates that the @ @ @ @ @ was wrong in ordering factories to convert from domestic manufacturing .
If I had been @ @ @ @ @ have had the states building ships , aircraft carriers , tanks , planes , and @ @ @ @ @ tells me that Kentucky would have been super at making battleships .
”

AP--The Defense Production Act to order U.S. manufacturers to make equipment to fight the Coronavirus has been rejected by President Trump. He called on governors to make the masks, swabs, testing chemicals, and ventilators, so shortages of these supplies will be corrected.
Indeed, he says that, mandating Governors to provide these supplies is a constitutional issue. He explained, “We have a federal system which mandates that the states do this. Roosevelt was wrong in ordering factories to convert from domestic manufacturing. If I had been President then, I would have had the states building ships, aircraft carriers, tanks, planes, and guns. My beautiful intuition tells me that Kentucky would have been super at making battleships.”


thespoof--2020-05-14--Trump And Kushner Hate Science

Trump And Kushner Hate Science

AP -- President Trump ’ s son-in-law , Jared Kushner , is a very active guy .
A happy beneficiary of nepotism , a.k.a .
corruption , he has followed the President ’ s assignments , and largely failed at the charge of Promoting Middle East peace , Heading Government reform/Opioid crisis management , Criminal justice reform , and being Liaison to the Muslim community .
Now , Mr. Kushner has emerged as perhaps the most pivotal figure in the national fight against the pandemic of the Coronavirus .
He has taken charge of the most important challenges facing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ team of cronies and/or totally inexperienced people have bungled the task .
As if dealing with the Coronavirus as isn ’ t enough for the thirty-six-year-old man , Trump today assigned him the tasks of working to dismiss the sometimes contentious Dr. Anthony Fauci as a medical consultant , and coming up with a solution to get Mexico to pay for the wall .
Too , he is tasked with working to destroy government agencies that use science , not partisan politics , to deal with the coronavirus .
These , of course @ @ @ @ @ @ @ side .
So , Kushner will work to annihilate the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention , the Food and Drug Administration , Centers for Medicare and Medicaid , FEMA , and National Institutes of Health .
According to this reporter ’ s sources , Trump was particularly adamant that his son-In-law figure out a way to gat rid of the National Science Foundation .
Trump allegedly said , “ Those crazies would quarantine the whole country forever , when I want to open up the country to save Wall Street , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ control of the country .
”

AP--President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, is a very active guy. A happy beneficiary of nepotism, a.k.a. corruption, he has followed the President’s assignments, and largely failed at the charge of Promoting Middle East peace, Heading Government reform/Opioid crisis management, Criminal justice reform, and being Liaison to the Muslim community.
Now, Mr. Kushner has emerged as perhaps the most pivotal figure in the national fight against the pandemic of the Coronavirus.
He has taken charge of the most important challenges facing the federal government. But he and his team of cronies and/or totally inexperienced people have bungled the task.
As if dealing with the Coronavirus as isn’t enough for the thirty-six-year-old man, Trump today assigned him the tasks of working to dismiss the sometimes contentious Dr. Anthony Fauci as a medical consultant, and coming up with a solution to get Mexico to pay for the wall.
Too, he is tasked with working to destroy government agencies that use science, not partisan politics, to deal with the coronavirus. These, of course, are thorns in Trump’s side. So, Kushner will work to annihilate the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the Food and Drug Administration, Centers for Medicare and Medicaid, FEMA, and National Institutes of Health.
According to this reporter’s sources, Trump was particularly adamant that his son-In-law figure out a way to gat rid of the National Science Foundation. Trump allegedly said, “Those crazies would quarantine the whole country forever, when I want to open up the country to save Wall Street, and keep my friends in corporate America in control of the country.”


thespoof--2020-05-14--Trump Supporters Drive Reporter Crazy

Trump Supporters Drive Reporter Crazy

KNOW news yesterday interviewed people who were parts of a tightly-packed crowd of protesters , some carrying rifles , who attempted to enter the floor of the Michigan legislative chamber , and were held back by police .
One Democratic Senator said some of his colleagues were wearing bulletproof vests .
Protestors demanded that the state be opened up for all commerce , industrial , and recreational facilities .
When the protest broke up , KNOW reporter , Alice Pritchaerd , asked rifle-toting , camouflage-wearing , 67-year-old Freddy Spicer : “ Why are you carrying an assault rifle ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ liberty and freedom of choice.
” Pritchaerd continued , “ Please don ’ t take this personally , but some would ask you , `` Are you going to shoot the coronavirus , because you obviously aren ’ t planning the kill legislators ?
” Spicer responded , “ You can take your sarcasm , and put it where the sun don ’ t shine .
Get out of my face.
” Undaunted , reporter Pritchaerd approached a woman wearing a MAGA hat who had wrapped herself in the American flag .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ t you think that people standing shoulder to shoulder at the protest are endangering their lives and the lives of their families when they go home ?
I mean that ’ s something that Dr.Fauci and other scientists would say . ''
MAGA hat lady responded , “ Those doctors like Fauci are always contradicting the President , who knows more than they do .
Look , Trump is a stable genius with beautiful intuition .
He even has an uncle who is a scientist .
What more do you need to know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she continued , fondling the American flag , “ science , like anything else , is just a matter of opinion .
Take climate change as an example .
Scientists have differing opinions about that .
I say we won ’ t know until coastal cities like New York and Los Angeles are badly flooded .
Of course , that wouldn ’ t be a great loss !
That ’ s just my opinion , of course.
” At that display of American patriotism , Alice Pritchaerd dropped to her knees , pounded @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cried out in despair .

KNOW news yesterday interviewed people who were parts of a tightly-packed crowd of protesters, some carrying rifles, who attempted to enter the floor of the Michigan legislative chamber, and were held back by police. One Democratic Senator said some of his colleagues were wearing bulletproof vests. Protestors demanded that the state be opened up for all commerce, industrial, and recreational facilities.
When the protest broke up, KNOW reporter, Alice Pritchaerd, asked rifle-toting, camouflage-wearing, 67-year-old Freddy Spicer: “Why are you carrying an assault rifle?” He responded, “To protect my liberty and freedom of choice.”
Pritchaerd continued, “Please don’t take this personally, but some would ask you, "Are you going to shoot the coronavirus, because you obviously aren’t planning the kill legislators?” Spicer responded, “You can take your sarcasm, and put it where the sun don’t shine. Get out of my face.”
Undaunted, reporter Pritchaerd approached a woman wearing a MAGA hat who had wrapped herself in the American flag. “Let me ask you, don’t you think that people standing shoulder to shoulder at the protest are endangering their lives and the lives of their families when they go home? I mean that’s something that Dr.Fauci and other scientists would say."
MAGA hat lady responded, “Those doctors like Fauci are always contradicting the President, who knows more than they do. Look, Trump is a stable genius with beautiful intuition. He even has an uncle who is a scientist. What more do you need to know?"
“For me," she continued, fondling the American flag, “science, like anything else, is just a matter of opinion. Take climate change as an example. Scientists have differing opinions about that. I say we won’t know until coastal cities like New York and Los Angeles are badly flooded. Of course, that wouldn’t be a great loss! That’s just my opinion, of course.”
At that display of American patriotism, Alice Pritchaerd dropped to her knees, pounded the ground with her fists, and cried out in despair.


thespoof--2020-05-15--A Government Watchdog is Reporting That President Trump Gave Trump Towers a Hefty Federal Bailout Ch

A Government Watchdog is Reporting That President Trump Gave Trump Towers a Hefty Federal Bailout Check

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that it has uncovered a memo that shows that the Donald Trump-owned Trump Towers was recently given a federal stimulus bailout check .
The check ( USA # 7881803 ) shows that it was issued on May 5 ( Cinqo de Mayo ) and is in the amount $ 17,845,000 .
The check was signed by the secretary of the treasury , Steven Mnuchin , and , under remarks , he had written : `` Enjoy this little token of the American people ’ s appreciation for the fantastically-great @ @ @ @ @ @ @ . ''
When a reporter with Vox Populi asked Trump about the huge check signed by Mnuchin , he turned three shades of orange , and replied , `` Look , I am the president yes , but I have no control over who gets a federal check or how much they get . ''
He then added , `` Now , having said that , if I did , in fact , get a check for $ 18-plus million , I will most probably return it , or , at least , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ none of it . ''
Trump then bitterly remarked , `` And I am getting sick and tired of Pelosi , Schumer , and that Ocasio-Cortez broad looking at everything that I do with a damn friggin telescope . ''
IN CLOSING - I ’ m sure that instead of a telescope Mr .
Perfect meant to say a magnifying glass .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that it has uncovered a memo that shows that the Donald Trump-owned Trump Towers was recently given a federal stimulus bailout check.
The check (USA #7881803) shows that it was issued on May 5 (Cinco de Mayo) and is in the amount $17,845,000.
The check was signed by the secretary of the treasury, Steven Mnuchin, and, under remarks, he had written: "Enjoy this little token of the American people’s appreciation for the fantastically-great job that you are doing, sir."
When a reporter with Vox Populi asked Trump about the huge check signed by Mnuchin, he turned three shades of orange, and replied, "Look, I am the president yes, but I have no control over who gets a federal check or how much they get."
He then added, "Now, having said that, if I did, in fact, get a check for $18-plus million, I will most probably return it, or, at least, part of it, or maybe even none of it."
Trump then bitterly remarked, "And I am getting sick and tired of Pelosi, Schumer, and that Ocasio-Cortez broad looking at everything that I do with a damn friggin telescope."
IN CLOSING - I’m sure that instead of a telescope Mr. Perfect meant to say a magnifying glass.


thespoof--2020-05-15--Howard Stern Tells Donald Trump He Needs To Resign and Pretty Damn Soon

NEW YORK CITY – There was a time , not too long ago , when radio personality , Howard Stern , and President Trump were as close as scrotum balls .
But then the wind shifted , and they had a flagrant falling out .
And now , shock jock Stern says that it would be in the best interest of the country if “ Don the Con ” would resign , and soon , if not sooner .
Stern stated that , if Trumpola keeps on going the way he is going , by election day , the USA @ @ @ @ @ @ @ third-world country of Honduras , but without the bananas .
Trump has been upset with Stern ever since he made a quasi-explicit remark about first daughter , Ivanka .
Stern , apparently , had asked POTUS about the rampant rumor making the rounds that “ The White House Barbie ” had inverted nipplettes .
Trump fired back saying that he is 99.3 % sure that “ Vanny ” does not have inverted nipplettes .
So now , the two egomaniacs are fussing and feuding like the Hatfields and McCoys and the Unitists and @ @

NEW YORK CITY – There was a time, not too long ago, when radio personality, Howard Stern, and President Trump were as close as scrotum balls.
But then the wind shifted, and they had a flagrant falling out.
And now, shock jock Stern says that it would be in the best interest of the country if “Don the Con” would resign, and soon, if not sooner.
Stern stated that, if Trumpola keeps on going the way he is going, by election day, the USA is going to look more like the third-world country of Honduras, but without the bananas.
Trump has been upset with Stern ever since he made a quasi-explicit remark about first daughter, Ivanka.
Stern, apparently, had asked POTUS about the rampant rumor making the rounds that “The White House Barbie” had inverted nipplettes.
Trump fired back saying that he is 99.3% sure that “Vanny” does not have inverted nipplettes.
So now, the two egomaniacs are fussing and feuding like the Hatfields and McCoys and the Unitists and Sindapalians.


thespoof--2020-05-15--Recovering Alcoholic Admits to Having Trouble Hearing His Higher Power’s Voice

Despite his devotion to practicing the Eleventh Step of Alcoholics Anonymous by seeking through prayer and meditation to improve his conscious contact with God as he understands God , praying only for knowledge of God ’ s will for him and the power to carry it out , recovering alcoholic Eric W. of Nashville , Tennessee , admitted to sometimes having trouble hearing his Higher Power ’ s voice .
“ And when I do , it ’ s very faint , like a barely audible whisper , ” said Eric W. , who ’ s put six-plus years , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 24 hours , between him and his last drink .
“ It ’ s kind of annoying.
” Not that the tidbits he has heard haven ’ t been priceless , however , Eric was quick to emphasize .
“ There 've been some real gems .
One time he murmured that he loved me .
That was really powerful .
In fact , that ’ s what ’ s carried me through all these years.
” He chuckled ruefully and shook his head .
“ Honestly , even that one was kind @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , at first I thought he was saying , ‘ I flubbed you.
’ That threw me for a minute – I thought he was telling me I was inherently defective .
Then I realized what he must have meant . ''
Eric made clear , of course , that any blame for the communication blockage lay not with his Higher Power but with himself and his own defects of character .
“ It ’ s apparent to me that I ’ m holding something back , not fully open to hearing what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said , exhaling his frustration .
“ It ’ s so obvious – so why can ’ t I just do it ?
” Still , despite the communication difficulties , Eric remains fully committed to practicing the Eleventh Step , and continues to keep an ear cocked for any breaking announcements from his `` H.P . ''
“ I get the sense that he operates on a need-to-know basis , and maybe there ’ s nothing I need to know right now , '' said Eric .
`` Mainly I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ given me so far .
That alone is far more than I deserve . ''

Despite his devotion to practicing the Eleventh Step of Alcoholics Anonymous by seeking through prayer and meditation to improve his conscious contact with God as he understands God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for him and the power to carry it out, recovering alcoholic Eric W. of Nashville, Tennessee, admitted to sometimes having trouble hearing his Higher Power’s voice.
“And when I do, it’s very faint, like a barely audible whisper,” said Eric W., who’s put six-plus years, and, most importantly, the last 24 hours, between him and his last drink. “It’s kind of annoying.”
Not that the tidbits he has heard haven’t been priceless, however, Eric was quick to emphasize. “There've been some real gems. One time he murmured that he loved me. That was really powerful. In fact, that’s what’s carried me through all these years.” He chuckled ruefully and shook his head. “Honestly, even that one was kind of muffled, though. In fact, at first I thought he was saying, ‘I flubbed you.’ That threw me for a minute – I thought he was telling me I was inherently defective. Then I realized what he must have meant."
Eric made clear, of course, that any blame for the communication blockage lay not with his Higher Power but with himself and his own defects of character. “It’s apparent to me that I’m holding something back, not fully open to hearing what God has to say," he said, exhaling his frustration. “It’s so obvious – so why can’t I just do it?”
Still, despite the communication difficulties, Eric remains fully committed to practicing the Eleventh Step, and continues to keep an ear cocked for any breaking announcements from his "H.P." “I get the sense that he operates on a need-to-know basis, and maybe there’s nothing I need to know right now," said Eric. "Mainly I’m just grateful for what he’s given me so far. That alone is far more than I deserve."


thespoof--2020-05-15--Eric Trump Becomes an Overnight Cliche Dumb, Dufus, Dork

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The Land of Tweeters is having a field day , as Trump ’ s least favorite son , Eric , has proven the old cliché that `` You can lead a horse to water , but you can ’ t make him count chickens '' .
Eric , while talking to his future sister-in-law , the well-endowed Kimberly Guilfoyle , suddenly blurted out that “ the chips are starting to crumble.
” And , right away , millions of Americans , and even lots of people in Zimbabwe , Herzegovina , and Macadamia , began making @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has commented , on occasion , may not really be his biological son .
Even London 's Tickety Boo News reported that Eric may next unthinkingly blurt out “ A bird in the hand is like a tinker ’ s damn ” , or “ Fool me once , eff you , fool me twice , eff you again.
” When Eric 's step-mommy ( Melania ) saw the video of Eric ’ s first-degree stupidity , she started laughing and remarked , “ I has tolled to my president husbandt dat he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ really closer because I dunt teenk dat , dat squirrelly shithead is really a Trump boy .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The Land of Tweeters is having a field day, as Trump’s least favorite son, Eric, has proven the old cliché that "You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him count chickens".
Eric, while talking to his future sister-in-law, the well-endowed Kimberly Guilfoyle, suddenly blurted out that “the chips are starting to crumble.”
And, right away, millions of Americans, and even lots of people in Zimbabwe, Herzegovina, and Macadamia, began making fun of him, who the President has commented, on occasion, may not really be his biological son.
Even London's Tickety Boo News reported that Eric may next unthinkingly blurt out “A bird in the hand is like a tinker’s damn”, or “Fool me once, eff you, fool me twice, eff you again.”
When Eric's step-mommy (Melania) saw the video of Eric’s first-degree stupidity, she started laughing and remarked, “I has tolled to my president husbandt dat he better sheck Eric’s burse certificate really closer because I dunt teenk dat, dat squirrelly shithead is really a Trump boy.”


thespoof--2020-05-16--Pres. Abraham Trump on Secession Virus - 1861

Rose Garden , The White House .
April 6 , 1861 .
Andrew Cooperson reporting for SOB : Spoof On Business .
With the Secession Virus sweeping the Southern states , newly-elected president , Abraham Trump , held his first Rose Garden press briefing this morning , and took questions from reporters pressing him for explanations on many different subjects related to the crisis .
A reporter from FOXborough Daily was called on first , with speculation that the president was thanking the paper for its endorsement of him in the recent election .
`` Just how serious is this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it likely to spread from So .
Carolina to elsewhere ? ''
`` Thank you for that question , '' replied Trump .
`` How many cases of it do we have ?
One ?
In South Carolina .
By fall , there wo n't be any .
It will simply melt away .
You might say we 'll have a vaccine for secession . ''
Connecticut Nightly News : `` But six other states are anxious to secede . ''
Trump : `` That 's the kind of question I 'd expect @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an answer .
Next question . ''
CNN : `` But you have n't answered my question yet . ''
Trump : `` You did n't ask a question .
You made a statement .
Next ? ''
The New York Times : `` This is a hell of a lot more complicated than the common cold .
What makes you think it will just go away ? ''
Trump : `` That 's a nasty question .
You 're a nasty reporter .
No wonder your circulation is falling .
The Times @ @ @ @ @ @ @ report how we negotiated an end to secession . ''
From the Washington Post reporter : `` But they 've already fired on Fort Sumter .
The commander surrendered . ''
Trump : The guy should never have been in charge at that fort .
He was totally incompetent .
Ought to have been removed long ago .
When he gets back to Washington he ought to be court-martialed . ''
Boston Glove : `` What do you think of Jefferson Davis , the man likely to head a Confederate government ? ''
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ Glove .
You obviously know how to handle a tough subject .
I 've never met him , but we 've corresponded , and from his letters I think he is a fantastic guy with a great sense of humor .
He wrote that , when this is all over , they 'll hang Don Trump to a sour apple tree .
Now , how can you think of a guy with that kind of whimsy as an enemy of the United States ? ''
CNN - another reporter : `` They wo @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in Carolina .
Is n't that an insult to American sovereignty ?
Are you complicit in this by not taking action ? ''
Trump : `` Thank you , ladies and gentleman , well - some of you are .
That ends this briefing . ''
The president then turned his back on reporters , sniffed a rose , and left the Rose Garden .

Rose Garden, The White House. April 6, 1861. Andrew Cooperson reporting for SOB: Spoof On Business. With the Secession Virus sweeping the Southern states, newly-elected president, Abraham Trump, held his first Rose Garden press briefing this morning, and took questions from reporters pressing him for explanations on many different subjects related to the crisis.
A reporter from FOXborough Daily was called on first, with speculation that the president was thanking the paper for its endorsement of him in the recent election.
"Just how serious is this secession talk in the South? Is it likely to spread from So. Carolina to elsewhere?"
"Thank you for that question," replied Trump. "How many cases of it do we have? One? In South Carolina. By fall, there won't be any. It will simply melt away. You might say we'll have a vaccine for secession."
Connecticut Nightly News: "But six other states are anxious to secede."
Trump: "That's the kind of question I'd expect from CNN. It doesn't deserve an answer. Next question."
CNN: "But you haven't answered my question yet."
Trump: "You didn't ask a question. You made a statement. Next?"
The New York Times: "This is a hell of a lot more complicated than the common cold. What makes you think it will just go away?"
Trump: "That's a nasty question. You're a nasty reporter. No wonder your circulation is falling. The Times won't last to the fall to report how we negotiated an end to secession."
From the Washington Post reporter: "But they've already fired on Fort Sumter. The commander surrendered."
Trump: The guy should never have been in charge at that fort. He was totally incompetent. Ought to have been removed long ago. When he gets back to Washington he ought to be court-martialed."
Boston Glove: "What do you think of Jefferson Davis, the man likely to head a Confederate government?"
Trump: "Good question from the Glove. You obviously know how to handle a tough subject. I've never met him, but we've corresponded, and from his letters I think he is a fantastic guy with a great sense of humor. He wrote that, when this is all over, they'll hang Don Trump to a sour apple tree. Now, how can you think of a guy with that kind of whimsy as an enemy of the United States?"
CNN - another reporter: "They won't let the US mail be delivered in Carolina. Isn't that an insult to American sovereignty? Are you complicit in this by not taking action?"
Trump: "Thank you, ladies and gentleman, well - some of you are. That ends this briefing."
The president then turned his back on reporters, sniffed a rose, and left the Rose Garden.


thespoof--2020-05-15--Dr. Fauci Admits to Real Reason for Donning Mask

In what has become a routine and welcome display of honesty and character , Dr. Anthony Fauci , lead member of the Trump Administration 's Coronavirus Task Force , admitted that he donned a mask today in public for the first time citing the need for added `` protection '' .
The appearance of a masked Fauci took place on the South Lawn during a Trump press briefing .
Trump was expectedly not wearing a mask , but for the first time , those who normally surround him were .
The President said that he gave everyone the option of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all of his staff took him up on the offer .
Fauci , questioned later , said that he needed to wear the mask for additional protection , but not from the contagion .
`` During one of his briefings a few weeks ago , I was caught dropping my head and smirking at , yet again , an incoherent rambling from the president , '' he said .
`` I was pulled from future briefings for some time , and an effort by Trump and his inner circle attempted to get me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , `` I am so thankful I can now wear a mask , so I can smile , frown , giggle , and even stick my tongue out at his inane , fatuous , and idiotic statements .
The mask is my added protection from getting fired !
Just look at the way my eyes are crinkled as he talks .
It is such a relief ! ''
When asked if the others on staff donned masks for the same reason , Fauci winked and said , `` Of course not , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spread of the virus .
.
.
the cachinnation virus , of course ! ''

In what has become a routine and welcome display of honesty and character, Dr. Anthony Fauci, lead member of the Trump Administration's Coronavirus Task Force, admitted that he donned a mask today in public for the first time citing the need for added "protection".
The appearance of a masked Fauci took place on the South Lawn during a Trump press briefing. Trump was expectedly not wearing a mask, but for the first time, those who normally surround him were. The President said that he gave everyone the option of wearing masks, and, oddly, all of his staff took him up on the offer.
Fauci, questioned later, said that he needed to wear the mask for additional protection, but not from the contagion.
"During one of his briefings a few weeks ago, I was caught dropping my head and smirking at, yet again, an incoherent rambling from the president," he said. "I was pulled from future briefings for some time, and an effort by Trump and his inner circle attempted to get me fired."
Fauci smiled and continued, "I am so thankful I can now wear a mask, so I can smile, frown, giggle, and even stick my tongue out at his inane, fatuous, and idiotic statements. The mask is my added protection from getting fired! Just look at the way my eyes are crinkled as he talks. It is such a relief!"
When asked if the others on staff donned masks for the same reason, Fauci winked and said, "Of course not, I am sure they are concerned about the spread of the virus. . . the cachinnation virus, of course!"


thespoof--2020-05-15--Trump Extinguished Lady Liberty's Torch

Trump Extinguished Lady Liberty's Torch

As the controversy over the Trump administration ’ s new stringent rules for admission to the U.S. heated up , a top Trump immigration official offered a change to the iconic poem engraved on the Statue of Liberty .
The poem is Emma Lazarus ’ s sonnet “ The New Colossus , ” which reads , in part , “ Give me your tired , your poor , Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
” But , U.S .
Citizenship and Immigration Services acting director Ken Cuccinelli quite seriously suggested an edit to the poem : “ Give me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stand on their own two feet and who will not become a public charge , ” Cuccinelli said at a press conference .
Cuccinelli said that the words of Lazarus ’ s sonnet referred to people coming from Europe , attempting to avoid the brown-skinned U.S. immigration hated by his boss Trump .
But a reporter noted that , when the poem was put on the base of the statue , there were many Chinese and Mexican immigrants to the U.S. , as the railroads were being built , and mining and agriculture @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Mr. Cuccinelli seemed to lose his temper , said he was tired of the controversy , and suggested that the whole Statue of Liberty be sent back to France from where it originated .
But Kevin McAleenan , the Acting Secretary of Fatherland Security , took center stage , and said the proposal was too extreme , and suggested a compromise that the torch held by Lady Liberty be extinguished .
At this point , a reporter said to the Fatherland Secretary , “ It ’ s too late , Mr. McAleenan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when Trump was inaugurated .
”

As the controversy over the Trump administration’s new stringent rules for admission to the U.S. heated up, a top Trump immigration official offered a change to the iconic poem engraved on the Statue of Liberty.
The poem is Emma Lazarus’s sonnet “The New Colossus,” which reads, in part, “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” But, U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services acting director Ken Cuccinelli quite seriously suggested an edit to the poem: “Give me your tired and your poor who can stand on their own two feet and who will not become a public charge,” Cuccinelli said at a press conference.
Cuccinelli said that the words of Lazarus’s sonnet referred to people coming from Europe, attempting to avoid the brown-skinned U.S. immigration hated by his boss Trump. But a reporter noted that, when the poem was put on the base of the statue, there were many Chinese and Mexican immigrants to the U.S., as the railroads were being built, and mining and agriculture began to flourish.
At this point, Mr. Cuccinelli seemed to lose his temper, said he was tired of the controversy, and suggested that the whole Statue of Liberty be sent back to France from where it originated.
But Kevin McAleenan, the Acting Secretary of Fatherland Security, took center stage, and said the proposal was too extreme, and suggested a compromise that the torch held by Lady Liberty be extinguished. At this point, a reporter said to the Fatherland Secretary, “It’s too late, Mr. McAleenan, the torch of liberty stopped burning when Trump was inaugurated.”


thespoof--2020-05-15--Biden Promises Not To Pardon Donald Trump

Former Vice President , Joseph Biden , the present democratic nominee for President of the United States , promised that when elected president , he would not pardon Donald Trump .
Yikes !
Does Trump know that ?
Biden is saying many things with that announcement .
Such an announcement would be most disturbing to Donald Trump .
For starters , Joe Biden is saying that Trump will lose his reelection , and Sleepy Joe will win on November 3rd .
Besides losing the election , the pardon issue also suggests that Donald Trump was culpable of criminal behavior , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , but that the future President of the United States , Joseph Biden , would not pardon Mr. Trump .
Certainly , that should make Donald Trump ’ s hair stand straight up like pampas grass !
But which violation , before or while in office , will Trump be accused of , and how many violations can be brought against Mr. Trump ?
Finally , will each violation be prosecuted separately ?
The New York Southern District has already appeared before the U.S. Supreme Court , and the Court is presently deciding @ @ @ @ @ @ @ records should be released .
Who knows what skeletons Trump ’ s financial records will reveal ?
Without a Joe Biden pardon , Donald Trump could spend years in litigation , making attorneys richer , and still end up in jail .
The sure way to avoid a jail sentence and attorneys ’ fees , would be for Trump to resign from office , Vice President Pence be sworn in as President , and Pence turn around and pardon Donald Trump for all crimes he may have inadvertently committed before , during and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the golden get out and stay out of jail card .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Former Vice President, Joseph Biden, the present democratic nominee for President of the United States, promised that when elected president, he would not pardon Donald Trump.
Yikes! Does Trump know that? Biden is saying many things with that announcement. Such a decision would be most disturbing to Donald Trump. For starters, Joe Biden is saying that Trump will lose his reelection, and Sleepy Joe will win on November 3rd.
Besides losing the election, the pardon issue also suggests that Donald Trump was culpable of criminal behavior, will undoubtedly be found guilty, sentenced, but that the future President of the United States, Joseph Biden, would not pardon Mr. Trump.
Indeed, that should make Donald Trump’s hair stand straight up like pampas grass!
But which violation, before or while in office, will Trump be accused? And how many offenses can be brought against Mr. Trump? Finally, will each infringement be prosecuted separately?
The New York Southern District has already appeared before the U.S. Supreme Court, and the Court is presently deciding whether Trump’s financial and tax records should be released. Who knows what skeletons Trump’s financial records will reveal?
Without a Joe Biden pardon, Donald Trump could spend years in litigation, making attorneys more productive, and still end up in jail.
The sure way to avoid a jail sentence and attorneys’ fees would be for Trump to resign. Vice President Pence swore in as President; Pence will pardon Donald Trump for all crimes he may have inadvertently committed before, during, and after his presidency.
That would be golden get out and stay out of jail card.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-05-15--Trump To Appoint Flynn To Climate Change Panel

AP—By Philip Wyley .
The Justice Department , following President Trump ’ s demand abandoned its prosecution of former national security adviser , Michael Flynn .
He could well join Sheriff Joe Arpaio as a free man because of Trump ’ s intervention .
However the judge in the case seems to be at odds with The Justice Department .
Flynn pleaded guilty , twice , of lying to the FBI in the Special Council Mueller ’ s investigation in 2017 .
The Justice Department ’ s decisions to overrule the Special Council are without precedent and are the product @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Barr , who is seen by political insiders as Trump ’ s “ stooge ” .
The President says that , when Flynn is free , he wants him to join the Administration as head of a climate change panel that he established in May of 2020 .
Flynn would join panel members who are experts in astrology , Dianetics , alchemy , palm reading , channeling 16th century science , and Fox News commentators , Laura Ingraham and Tucker Carlson .
Two prominent climate scientists were members of the group who warned @ @ @ @ @ @ @ However , they resigned because , in addition to what scientist Michael Mann called “ bizarre appointments to the cluster**ck made by the President ” , Ouija boards were used to ascertain that climate change is not real .
Upon learning of these resignations , Mr. Trump tweeted , “ Good riddance .
My beautiful intuition tells me that these are nasty men who don ’ t know that this whole business of climate change , as I ’ ve said many times , is a Chinese hoax .
”

AP—By Philip Wyley. The Justice Department, following President Trump’s demand abandoned its prosecution of former national security adviser, Michael Flynn. He could well join Sheriff Joe Arpaio as a free man because of Trump’s intervention. However the judge in the case seems to be at odds with The Justice Department.
Flynn pleaded guilty, twice, of lying to the FBI in the Special Council Mueller’s investigation in 2017. The Justice Department’s decisions to overrule the Special Council are without precedent and are the product of a highly-politicized department headed by William Barr, who is seen by political insiders as Trump’s “stooge”.
The President says that, when Flynn is free, he wants him to join the Administration as head of a climate change panel that he established in May of 2020. Flynn would join panel members who are experts in astrology, Dianetics, alchemy, palm reading, channeling 16th century science, and Fox News commentators, Laura Ingraham and Tucker Carlson.
Two prominent climate scientists were members of the group who warned about the dangers of climate change. However, they resigned because, in addition to what scientist Michael Mann called “bizarre appointments to the cluster**ck made by the President”, Ouija boards were used to ascertain that climate change is not real.
Upon learning of these resignations, Mr. Trump tweeted, “Good riddance. My beautiful intuition tells me that these are nasty men who don’t know that this whole business of climate change, as I’ve said many times, is a Chinese hoax.”


thespoof--2020-05-16--Men In White Suits Seen At White House

Men In White Suits Seen At White House

It may mean nothing at all whatsoever , but Washington , DC tongues have been set a-wagging in the capitol @ @ @ @ @ in white suits turned up unannounced at 1600 Pensylvania Avenue , and were shown inside @ @ @ @ @ Service officials .
The van , itself white and unmarked , was admitted by the @ @ @ @ @ , and drove slowly around to the rear of the White House , where individuals @ @ @ @ @ way inside .
What they did inside is anybody 's guess .
Their presence could @ @ @ @ @ , or it 's possible there may have been a toxic leak of hazardous waste @ @ @ @ @ possible is a Coronavirus link .
Other people in the area said that the men @ @ @ @ @ likely at the scene to remove a Basket Case who has been seen frequenting the @ @ @ @ @ last four years .
Around 10am , figures were seen to exit the White House @ @ @ @ @ van - one of them was hooded and wearing a straightjacket .

It may mean nothing at all whatsoever, but Washington, DC tongues have been set a-wagging in the capitol after a vanload of men in white suits turned up unannounced at 1600 Pensylvania Avenue, and were shown inside by what looked like Secret Service officials.
The van, itself white and unmarked, was admitted by the front entrance gate at 7:30am, and drove slowly around to the rear of the White House, where fifteen individuals alit, and made their way inside.
What they did inside is anybody's guess. Their presence could be related to pest control, or it's possible there may have been a toxic leak of hazardous waste in the area.
Also possible is a Coronavirus link.
Other people in the area said that the men in white suits were more likely at the scene to remove a Basket Case who has been seen frequenting the White House offices for the last four years.


thespoof--2020-05-16--Politically Correct Woman (Almost) Uses Pandemic as Excuse Not to Reuse Plastic Bag

In the course of discarding the rinds of a watermelon she 'd chopped up for consumption throughout the rest of the week , Polly Parker of Nashville , Tennessee , almost used the COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse not to reuse a several-year-old plastic grocery bag .
“ I know , it seems really lame now , ” said Polly of her momentary rationalization that , what with everything going on with the pandemic , lockdown , and unprecedented deterioration of human society , what did it really matter if one more plastic bag fell by the wayside ?
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has taken its toll on me . ''
Fortunately , within just a few hours of her blatant disregard of her own environmental ethics , Polly realized that all was required for her to maintain her theretofore spotless non-plastic-bag-consuming record was to return to the dumpster , retrieve the bag full of watermelon scraps , dump the bare rinds into the bin , and rinse out the perfectly salvageable plastic bag – all of which she did in short order , resulting in slightly grubby hands , but a gratifyingly cleaner conscience .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ when you ’ re squeezed really tight , you get to see what comes out , '' said Polly .
“ In my case , it was integrity .
Thanks to that , one fewer single-use plastic bag will be a coronavirus casualty . ''

In the course of discarding the rinds of a watermelon she'd chopped up for consumption throughout the rest of the week, Polly Parker of Nashville, Tennessee, almost used the COVID-19 pandemic as an excuse not to reuse a several-year-old plastic grocery bag.
“I know, it seems really lame now,” said Polly of her momentary rationalization that, what with everything going on with the pandemic, lockdown, and unprecedented deterioration of human society, what did it really matter if one more plastic bag fell by the wayside? "What can I say? This quarantine has taken its toll on me."
Fortunately, within just a few hours of her blatant disregard of her own environmental ethics, Polly realized that all was required for her to maintain her theretofore spotless non-plastic-bag-consuming record was to return to the dumpster, retrieve the bag full of watermelon scraps, dump the bare rinds into the bin, and rinse out the perfectly salvageable plastic bag – all of which she did in short order, resulting in slightly grubby hands, but a gratifyingly cleaner conscience.
“In times of great stress, when you’re squeezed really tight, you get to see what comes out," said Polly. “In my case, it was integrity. Thanks to that, one fewer single-use plastic bag will be a coronavirus casualty."


thespoof--2020-05-16--A Hooters Girl in Houston Claims That President Trump Fathered Her Twins

HOUSTON – As if Trump doesn ’ t have enough things to worry his big old orange head about , now comes this double-barreled revelation .
A gorgeously sexy Hooters girl named Tiffany Deutschendorf , 28 , is reportedly alleging that the president is the father of her twin boys , Donny Johnny and Johnny Donny .
Tiffany said that she met Mr. Trump when he visited the Houston Hooters Club where she worked , back on September 13 , 2013 .
She said that , right away , he bragged that he had a big one , and that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ song “ New York , New York ” .
Tiff then asked him if he could get his peckerino to whistle the song “ Houston ” by Dean Martin .
He asked her to accompany him back to his Holiday Inn suite and he would practice it .
She said that , while he was tuning up his instrument , he slipped and fell on top of her .
After two minutes and 15 seconds , he fell asleep .
She picked up the $ 400 he had left on her Hooters shorts @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Miss Deutschendorf said that she soon learned that she was pregnant with twins .
She called up Donald and he denied ever meeting her .
She reminded him about his wiggly worm whistling “ New York , New York ” and “ Houston ” , and he said that he had never heard of either of those songs .

HOUSTON – As if Trump doesn’t have enough things to worry his big old orange head about, now comes this double-barreled revelation.
A gorgeously sexy Hooters girl named Tiffany Deutschendorf, 28, is reportedly alleging that the president is the father of her twin boys, Donny Johnny and Johnny Donny.
Tiffany said that she met Mr. Trump when he visited the Houston Hooters Club where she worked, back on September 13, 2013.
She said that, right away, he bragged that he had a big one, and that he could actually make it whistle the song “New York, New York”.
Tiff then asked him if he could get his peckerino to whistle the song “Houston” by Dean Martin.
He asked her to accompany him back to his Holiday Inn suite and he would practice it.
She said that, while he was tuning up his instrument, he slipped and fell on top of her.
After two minutes and 15 seconds, he fell asleep. She picked up the $400 he had left on her Hooters shorts on the TV, and left.
Miss Deutschendorf said that she soon learned that she was pregnant with twins. She called up Donald and he denied ever meeting her.
She reminded him about his wiggly worm whistling “New York, New York” and “Houston”, and he said that he had never heard of either of those songs.


thespoof--2020-05-16--FBI Agents Discover 4,000 Counterfeit Viagra Pills in the White House

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump is quite upset that FBI agents presented him with a search warrant and waltzed right into the White House .
The agents were not impressed in the least , and they told him to step aside or else they would have no problem slapping the handcuffs on him .
Trump called his attorney , Segundo Juarez , who told POTUS to do as they had instructed him , or else he would find himself on the 5 o ’ clock news .
After searching the premises , the agents found an old trunk up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 4,000 counterfeit Viagra pills , with an estimated street value of $ 21,713 .
They asked Trump if he knew anything about the blue pills .
He thought for a moment , and then said that they were left there by Barack Obama .
One of the agents said , “ Look here , fella .
I voted for you in 2016 , but you are a mess , dude .
You really need to seek therapy , because I ’ m afraid you are going to snap and it ain ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shook his head and took another bite of his Big Mac .
Melania recently told her step-daughter , Barbie Trump , that she is afraid that the president may accidentally push the missiles button and launch ICBMs toward Russia , China , North Korea , and Puerto Rico .
A CIA agent who did not want his name mentioned , said that a CIA operative secretly went into the Presidential Nuclear Satchel and he took the batteries out of the button device back in 2017 .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump is quite upset that FBI agents presented him with a search warrant and waltzed right into the White House.
Trump demanded that they leave immediately.
The agents were not impressed in the least, and they told him to step aside or else they would have no problem slapping the handcuffs on him.
Trump called his attorney, Segundo Juarez, who told POTUS to do as they had instructed him, or else he would find himself on the 5 o’clock news.
After searching the premises, the agents found an old trunk up in the White House attic that contained 4,000 counterfeit Viagra pills, with an estimated street value of $21,713.
They asked Trump if he knew anything about the blue pills. He thought for a moment, and then said that they were left there by Barack Obama.
One of the agents said, “Look here, fella. I voted for you in 2016, but you are a mess, dude. You really need to seek therapy, because I’m afraid you are going to snap and it ain’t gonna be pretty.”
Trump simply shook his head and took another bite of his Big Mac.
Melania recently told her step-daughter, Barbie Trump, that she is afraid that the president may accidentally push the missiles button and launch ICBMs toward Russia, China, North Korea, and Puerto Rico.
A CIA agent who did not want his name mentioned, said that a CIA operative secretly went into the Presidential Nuclear Satchel and he took the batteries out of the button device back in 2017.


thespoof--2020-05-16--Most Republican Farmers Say That They Would Vote For a Milk Cow Before They’d Vote for Trump Again

WATERLOO , Iowa – There are an awful lot of angry and upset farmers in the “ Fly-Over ” state of Iowa .
Iowa is famous for corn , tractors , soybeans , and blandness .
The St. Louis Outlooker News conducted a poll of farmers who had voted for Trump in 2016 .
And the results were shocking .
A full 91 % said that they would not vote for Trump again under any circumstances .
One soybean farmer , Dusty Saltspoon , said that he knows several fellow farmers who say that they would rather vote for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ president , who is a worse actor than even Chow Mein Squickanello .
Saltspoon went on to say that he and his wife of 41 years , Brenda Yolanda , recently took all of their Trump political items , such as their MAGA caps , their GOP tank tops , and their matching Trump boxer shorts , and burned them .
Mrs. Saltspoon revealed that she hopes that Don Lemon , Jake Tapper , or Rachel Maddow come out with a rumor that Trump is having an affair with his ex-communications director , @ @ @ @ @ @ @

WATERLOO, Iowa – There are an awful lot of angry and upset farmers in the “Fly-Over” state of Iowa.
Iowa is famous for corn, tractors, soybeans, and blandness.
The St. Louis Outlooker News conducted a poll of farmers who had voted for Trump in 2016.
And the results were shocking. A full 91% said that they would not vote for Trump again under any circumstances.
One soybean farmer, Dusty Saltspoon, said that he knows several fellow farmers who say that they would rather vote for a milk cow, than for the acting president, who is a worse actor than even Chow Mein Squickanello.
Saltspoon went on to say that he and his wife of 41 years, Brenda Yolanda, recently took all of their Trump political items, such as their MAGA caps, their GOP tank tops, and their matching Trump boxer shorts, and burned them.
Mrs. Saltspoon revealed that she hopes that Don Lemon, Jake Tapper, or Rachel Maddow come out with a rumor that Trump is having an affair with his ex-communications director, Hope “The Babe” Hicks.


thespoof--2020-05-17--Donald Trump To Be Used As White House Toilet Brush From November

Leading Democratic Party politicians are saying that President Donald Trump is so incompetent , that , after he loses the @ @ @ @ @ plan to keep him on at the White House in a newly-created role as a @ @ @ @ @ has turned US politics on its head since his inauguration in 2016 , and the @ @ @ @ @ give him a dose of his own medicine and turn upside-down , and to ram @ @ @ @ @ bowl every time it needs cleaning .
Joe Biden , as Trump 's potential opponent @ @ @ @ @ already found himself the target of the Republican 's bile , and says he 's @ @ @ @ @ 'in kind ' when DJT becomes the 'ex-president ' .
`` I think Mr. Trump @ @ @ @ @ cleaner , '' he said , `` and I ca n't wait to have him @ @ @ @ @ that he can , at last , be useful . ''

Leading Democratic Party politicians are saying that President Donald Trump is so incompetent, that, after he loses the election this November, they plan to keep him on at the White House in a newly-created role as a Human Toilet Brush.
Trump has turned US politics on its head since his inauguration in 2016, and the Dems are now determined to give him a dose of his own medicine and turn him upside-down, and to ram him head-first into the toilet bowl every time it needs cleaning.
Joe Biden, as Trump's potential opponent in the election, has already found himself the target of the Republican's bile, and says he's looking forward to repaying him 'in kind' when DJT becomes the 'ex-president'.
"I think Mr. Trump will make an excellent toilet cleaner," he said, "and I can't wait to have him shoved headfirst into a place that he can, at last, be useful."


thespoof--2020-05-17--Governor of California to change name from Newsom to “Nuisance”

Governor of California Gavin Newsom has decided a new name will do no harm in the continuing battle against the Covid-19 virus .
“ Call me an honorable nuisance , then , if you must , ” he said in his office yesterday , according to an insider 's report .
Although the governor 's office has denied he said any such thing , protests ( LA region ) have caused him to consider “ the honorable nuisance defense.
” The honorable nuisance defense is you must take command to protect the populace , which is annoyed with your whims @ @ @ @ @ @ @ this time because , according to sources , the governor is considering increase to the lock-down rules .
The background for a renewed severity program stems from The New York Times yesterday , reporting that “ talking can launch thousands of droplets so small they can remain suspended in the air for eight to fourteen minutes.
” This range embraces variations in volume , droplet size , and tonal mutterance .
“ There is no indication ( yet ) that release of flatulence is a danger re the droplets.
” Mr. Newsom is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spaces that talking will absolutely —even with mask on—be allowed .
( Flatulence issue on hold for the moment . )
Customers will need to confine their communications to nodding or shaking the head , with public service personnel now in training on what questions to ask properly .
Additionally , there is no confirmation yet that teams of California police will sequester in New York for review of whether masks are fitting properly , and how to proceed when they are not .
New afternoon patrols for barber shops are being contemplated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Nuisance 's office has also responded to questions regarding alternative analyses of the threat -- growing in number from expert sources , including epidemiologists and virologists .
Inside sources at the Governor 's office report they thought they overheard him muttering : “ Well , yes , plenty of reason to doubt this whole episode as exaggerated and cooked-up for some reason , but why not be on the safe side ? ''
`` Is the solution worse than the problem ?
Only the future will tell !
” “ And if I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a front-line guardian on this thing , then I will wear this badge honorably right up to the next governor 's election !
”

Governor of California Gavin Newsom has decided a new name will do no harm in the continuing battle against the Covid-19 virus.
“Call me an honorable nuisance, then, if you must,” he said in his office yesterday, according to an insider's report.
Although the governor's office has denied he said any such thing, protests (LA region) have caused him to consider “the honorable nuisance defense.”
The honorable nuisance defense is you must take command to protect the populace, which is annoyed with your whims.
The posture is particularly important at this time because, according to sources, the governor is considering increase to the lock-down rules.
The background for a renewed severity program stems from The New York Times yesterday, reporting that “talking can launch thousands of droplets so small they can remain suspended in the air for eight to fourteen minutes.”
This range embraces variations in volume, droplet size, and tonal mutterance.
“There is no indication (yet) that release of flatulence is a danger re the droplets.”
Mr. Newsom is reported considering a new rule for public spaces that talking will absolutely not —even with mask on—be allowed. (Flatulence issue on hold for the moment.)
Customers will need to confine their communications to nodding or shaking the head, with public service personnel now in training on what questions to ask properly.
Additionally, there is no confirmation yet that teams of California police will sequester in New York for review of whether masks are fitting properly, and how to proceed when they are not.
New afternoon patrols for barber shops are being contemplated, or use of drones.
Governor Nuisance's office has also responded to questions regarding alternative analyses of the threat--growing in number from expert sources, including epidemiologists and virologists.
Inside sources at the Governor's office report they thought they overheard him muttering:
“Well, yes, plenty of reason to doubt this whole episode as exaggerated and cooked-up for some reason, but why not be on the safe side?"
"Is the solution worse than the problem? Only the future will tell!”
“And if I must be the heroic Mr. Nuisance, as a front-line guardian on this thing, then I will wear this badge honorably right up to the next governor's election!”