thespoof--2020-03-11--President Trump Proclaims That He Has Secured The Rights To A Pill That Will Totally Eradicate The C

President Trump Proclaims That He Has Secured The Rights To A Pill That Will Totally Eradicate The Coronavirus

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Donald Trump says that because of his many world-wide connections in every field of endeavor he @ @ @ @ @ newly discovered pill that when taken orally will totally destroy the Coronavirus within 45 minutes @ @ @ @ @ wonder pill , which he has named the “ Ivankanella -7 ” in honor of @ @ @ @ @ enough was developed in Guatemala , one of the poorest countries in the entire world @ @ @ @ @ the government of Guatemala granted him the exclusive rights in exchange for him promising to @ @ @ @ @ leading expert on pharmaceutical pills disclosed that President Trump could end up personally making upwards @ @ @ @ @ within the next 12 months .
IN CLOSING – Trump pointed out that the “ @ @ @ @ @ be available for purchase in the lobby of the Trump Tower in Manhattan .
He @ @ @ @ @ at the present time , he is working out a deal to sell the pills @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Secret Lingerie Store , and McDonalds in America .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump says that because of his many world-wide connections in every field of endeavor he has just come across a newly discovered pill that when taken orally will totally destroy the Coronavirus within 45 minutes.
POTUS said that the wonder pill, which he has named the “Ivankanella -7” in honor of his eldest daughter, interestingly enough was developed in Guatemala, one of the poorest countries in the entire world.
He pointed out that the government of Guatemala granted him the exclusive rights in exchange for him promising to never invade Guatemala.
A leading expert on pharmaceutical pills disclosed that President Trump could end up personally making upwards of $17 billion just within the next 12 months.
IN CLOSING – Trump pointed out that the “Ivankanella-7” pills will only be available for purchase in the lobby of the Trump Tower in Manhattan. He did point out that, at the present time, he is working out a deal to sell the pills in every WalMart, Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Store, and McDonalds in America.


thespoof--2020-03-13--Franklin Roosevelt on the Coronavirus

Franklin Roosevelt on the Coronavirus

The White House , Washington D. C. Television viewers in the nation 's capital witnessed an inexplicable interruption during President @ @ @ @ @ the people on the Coronavirus last night .
A mysterious power outage for only a @ @ @ @ @ the president gave his greeting to those watching .
Suddenly , and to the amazement @ @ @ @ @ President Franklin Roosevelt appeared , sitting by his White House fireplace .
His speech was @ @ @ @ @ as he reassured his rapt listeners : With a twinkle in his eyes , despite @ @ @ @ @ , he intoned : `` The only thing we have to fear ... .
is @ @ @ @

The White House, Washington D. C. Television viewers in the nation's capital witnessed an inexplicable interruption during President Donald Trump's address to the people on the Coronavirus last night. A mysterious power outage for only a few seconds occurred shortly after the president gave his greeting to those watching. Suddenly, and to the amazement of the local audience, President Franklin Roosevelt appeared, sitting by his White House fireplace. His speech was short but carried great impact as he reassured his rapt listeners:
With a twinkle in his eyes, despite the seriousness of the situation, he intoned: "The only thing we have to fear.... is Trump himself."


thespoof--2020-03-12--President Trump Proposes Constructing Bigly Retractable Dome Over USA

BILLINGSGATE POST : Last night , before a National audience , President Trump not only cancelled all passenger travel from Europe , he said that a plan to build a retractable dome over the continental USA is being considered .
President Trump : “ Now that the Coronavirus has been considered a pandemic , steps to contain this Chinese Commie-pinko virus from reaching the United States are being considered at the highest levels of government , including imput from Roger Stone .
`` Already , we have football stadiums with retractable roofs .
AT & T Stadium , home of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ example .
I have conferred with Jerry Jones to see if it is possible to build a similar one over the continental USA .
He assured me that , if I can dream it , Bigly , we can build it Bigly .
`` The cornerstone to this endeavor is that Trump Enterprises will be the sole contractor for this project .
More will be said about this later .
`` With ecology in mind , we envision a semi-permeable dome , composed of recycled plastic bottles and bags , that will allow @ @ @ @ @ @ @ including sunshine , while allowing for the exit and reentry of space vehicles .
Germs , viruses , aliens and ICBM ’ s will be trapped outside the dome and denied entry using the Quasimodo Effect .
`` Working together , using the full weight of my office , we can mitigate the spread of Coronavirus before it morphs into something even more perniciously Bigly.
” Slim : “ I think we should call it The Bigly Trump Dome.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
Ecologically , this is a no-brainer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Last night, before a National audience, President Trump not only cancelled all passenger travel from Europe, he said that a plan to build a retractable dome over the continental USA is being considered.
President Trump: “Now that the Coronavirus has been considered a pandemic, steps to contain this Chinese Commie-pinko virus from reaching the United States are being considered at the highest levels of government, including imput from Roger Stone.
"Already, we have football stadiums with retractable roofs. AT&T Stadium, home of the Dallas Cowboys, is just one example. I have conferred with Jerry Jones to see if it is possible to build a similar one over the continental USA. He assured me that, if I can dream it, Bigly, we can build it Bigly.
"The cornerstone to this endeavor is that Trump Enterprises will be the sole contractor for this project. More will be said about this later.
"With ecology in mind, we envision a semi-permeable dome, composed of recycled plastic bottles and bags, that will allow for the transmigration of the atmosphere, including sunshine, while allowing for the exit and reentry of space vehicles. Germs, viruses, aliens and ICBM’s will be trapped outside the dome and denied entry using the Quasimodo Effect.
"Working together, using the full weight of my office, we can mitigate the spread of Coronavirus before it morphs into something even more perniciously Bigly.”
Slim: “I think we should call it The Bigly Trump Dome.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Ecologically, this is a no-brainer that even Joe Biden should understand.”


thespoof--2020-03-13--Trump Orders Pence To Shutdown and Gather all Corona Beer to be Destroyed!

Despite reports clearly pointing out the absurdity of mistaking Corona beer with the Coronavirus , President Donald Trump has directed Mike Pence to seize all Corona beer nationwide , and incinerate it personally at his WH office .
`` Yes , '' said Pence in a phone interview , `` The President realizes , of course , that the Coronavirus has nothing to do with Corona beer , but it is important to remember that this President is a stable genius and is operating on a totally different level of thinking . ''
Pence was then asked if the WH @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the volume of beer , estimated to be in millions of bottles and gallons of beer on the grounds of the White House .
`` No , we will have to store the beer in a warehouse and bring it to the White House in secured limo convoys .
It is important to realize that we are working hard to handle this crisis in a centralized manner , and that means doing EVERYTHING through the Vice President 's office . ''
But it appears that , as the beer awaits months to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ several warehouses close to Dulles and Reagan International airports , much as it would while going through normal distribution to stores across the country .
Mr Pence was hard pressed how to explain the man hours needed to accomplish it could be justified when the country is in the middle of a terrible heal crisis and could really `` use a beer '' .
`` I think what the President has in mind , is the well-being of he American people .
Many of his undereducated followers do n't know the difference between @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it and think it is one and the same .
So we feel that this small minority of Americans deserves special attention from this President during the pandemic .

Despite reports clearly pointing out the absurdity of mistaking Corona beer with the Coronavirus, President Donald Trump has directed Mike Pence to seize all Corona beer nationwide, and incinerate it personally at his WH office.
"Yes," said Pence in a phone interview, "The President realizes, of course, that the Coronavirus has nothing to do with Corona beer, but it is important to remember that this President is a stable genius and is operating on a totally different level of thinking."
Pence was then asked if the WH had an adequate incineration facility to handle the volume of beer, estimated to be in millions of bottles and gallons of beer on the grounds of the White House.
"No, we will have to store the beer in a warehouse and bring it to the White House in secured limo convoys. It is important to realize that we are working hard to handle this crisis in a centralized manner, and that means doing EVERYTHING through the Vice President's office."
But it appears that, as the beer awaits months to be incinerated, it will be housed at several warehouses close to Dulles and Reagan International airports, much as it would while going through normal distribution to stores across the country. Mr Pence was hard pressed how to explain the man hours needed to accomplish it could be justified when the country is in the middle of a terrible heal crisis and could really "use a beer".
"I think what the President has in mind, is the well-being of he American people. Many of his undereducated followers don't know the difference between Corona Beer and Covid-19. They hear it and think it is one and the same. So we feel that this small minority of Americans deserves special attention from this President during the pandemic.


thespoof--2020-03-13--FDA Begins Planning Sequel to COVID-19

FDA Begins Planning Sequel to COVID-19

“ It ’ s not often we ’ re able to capture the public 's attention the way we did with COVID-19 , ” said Food and Drug Administration Commissioner , Stephen Hahn .
“ We want to capitalize on that momentum with a follow-up that really does justice to our first modern-day pandemic.
” To that end , Hahn explained , the FDA has already begun working on a much-anticipated sequel to the highly acclaimed COVID-19 , tentatively titled `` COVID-20 '' or `` budlightvirus . ''
“ It ’ s going to have similar flu-like tendencies , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Possibly with some autoimmune components thrown in , just to really keep people on their toes .
We want them riveted.
” Hahn noted that the public response to COVID-19 couldn ’ t have been more positive .
Populations worldwide whole-heartedly embraced the malady known as coronavirus , incorporating it into their daily lives with everything from lockdowns and grocery store shutdowns to sporting event and travel cancellations .
“ COVID-19 was much more than just a passing fad , ” said Han .
“ It became a lifestyle.
” And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to outdo itself with its follow-up pandemic .
COVID-20 is expected to produce an even more massive strain on economies , social life , and global food systems than that ever achieved by COVID-19 .
“ We ’ re playing around with a few different concepts at this point , ” said Hahn .
“ One possibility is having a whole sector of the population living on peanut butter and popcorn .
Throw in a nut allergy or two , and the plot basically writes itself.
” Until the release of COVID-20 , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ continue to make the most of COVID-19 while it is still widely available .
“ It 's no exaggeration to say that coronavirus is already an all-time FDA classic , ” said Hahn .
“ So if you have n't yet delved in , now 's the time .
”

“It’s not often we manage to capture the public's attention the way we did with COVID-19,” said Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Robert Redfield, M.D. “We want to capitalize on that momentum with a follow-up that really does justice to our first, groundbreaking, modern-day pandemic.”
To that end, Redfield explained, the CDC has already begun working on a much-anticipated sequel to the highly acclaimed COVID-19, tentatively titled "COVID-20" or "budlightvirus."
“It’s going to have similar flu-like tendencies, but even more so,” said Redfield. “Possibly with some autoimmune components thrown in, just to really keep people on their toes. We want them riveted.”
Redfield noted that the public response to COVID-19 couldn’t have been more positive. Populations worldwide whole-heartedly embraced the malady known as coronavirus, incorporating it into their daily lives with everything from face masks, lockdowns, and grocery store shutdowns to sporting event and travel cancellations. “COVID-19 was much more than just a passing fad,” said Redfield. “It became a lifestyle.”
And according to Redfield, the CDC aims to outdo itself with its follow-up pandemic. COVID-20 is expected to produce an even more massive strain on economies, social life, and global food systems than that ever achieved by COVID-19. “We’re playing around with a few different concepts at this point,” said Redfield. “One possibility is having a whole sector of the population living on peanut butter and popcorn. Throw in a nut allergy or two, and the plot essentially writes itself.”
Until the release of COVID-20, however, the CDC urges Americans to continue to make the most of COVID-19 while it is still widely available. “It's no exaggeration to say that coronavirus is already an all-time CDC classic,” said Redfield. “So if you haven't yet dived in, now's the time.”


thespoof--2020-03-13--The State of Massachusetts Has Just Banned The Sean Hannity Show

BOSTON – The Massachusetts state legislature has just voted 91-9 to ban showing The Sean Hannity Show throughout the entire state .
The move came after Hannity made one of the most idiotic , asinine , dipshit comments of his entire 58-year life .
He actually had the GOP balls to say that the Coronavirius is simply a hoax that was made up by King Jong-Un to drive the American people batty .
But this is not the first time that “ Old Scrotum Face ” has come out with such ignorantly-ignorant remarks .
Two years ago , Hannity said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and 80s all-gay band were all related to Don “ Rainbow ” Lemon .
And just last year , he said that the explorer Christopher Columbus was really an old masculine-looking woman named Esmerlada Bertha Di Spaghetti , who dressed as a man .
The Washington Globe Express has learned that Hannity has called his BFF ( Trump ) at least 30 times in the last two days alone begging him to call the governor of Massachusetts and threaten to have him deported if he doesn ’ t lift the ban on his @ @

BOSTON – The Massachusetts state legislature has just voted 91-9 to ban showing The Sean Hannity Show throughout the entire state.
The move came after Hannity made one of the most idiotic, asinine, dipshit comments of his entire 58-year life.
He actually had the GOP balls to say that the Coronavirius is simply a hoax that was made up by King Jong-Un to drive the American people batty.
But this is not the first time that “Old Scrotum Face” has come out with such ignorantly-ignorant remarks. Two years ago, Hannity said that the Village People, a 70s and 80s all-gay band were all related to Don “Rainbow” Lemon.
And just last year, he said that the explorer Christopher Columbus was really an old masculine-looking woman named Esmerlada Bertha Di Spaghetti, who dressed as a man.
The Washington Globe Express has learned that Hannity has called his BFF (Trump) at least 30 times in the last two days alone begging him to call the governor of Massachusetts and threaten to have him deported if he doesn’t lift the ban on his show.


thespoof--2020-03-13--Panama Plans To Shut Down The Panama Canal

PANAMA CITY – The mayor of Panama City , has just informed the media that he plans to shut down @ @ @ @ @ Alfredo Chorizo stressed that dozens of canal workers have expressed to him the safety concern @ @ @ @ @ travels through the canal , many of the passengers playfully throw M & Ms at @ @ @ @ @ canal worker , who would only give his initials , P.P.
, said that , @ @ @ @ @ a crew member on the cruise ship La Muchacha Del Las Aguascalientes actually throw a @ @ @ @ @ the deck cabins .
He said that he tried to scoop it up and put @ @ @ @ @ to send off to get tested for the Coronaviurs , but before he could open @ @ @ @ @ and a woodchuck ate the entire casserole .
Mayor Chorizo has said that he will @ @ @ @ @ to give his country a Panama Canal financial bailout like he did to his rich @ @ @ @ @ Street .

PANAMA CITY – The mayor of Panama City, has just informed the media that he plans to shut down the Panama Canal.
Mayor Alfredo Chorizo stressed that dozens of canal workers have expressed to him the safety concern that when a cruise ship travels through the canal, many of the passengers playfully throw M&Ms at the canal employees.
One canal worker, who would only give his initials, P.P., said that, last week, he saw a crew member on the cruise ship La Muchacha Del Las Aguascalientes actually throw a tuna casserole from one of the deck cabins.
He said that he tried to scoop it up and put it in a plastic bag to send off to get tested for the Coronaviurs, but before he could open the bag, two Chihuahuas and a woodchuck ate the entire casserole.
Mayor Chorizo has said that he will be asking El Presidente Trumpo to give his country a Panama Canal financial bailout like he did to his rich CEO corporate buddies on Wall Street.


thespoof--2020-03-13--The National Alliance of Fraternal Psychiatrists Has Just Made An Amazing Announcement Regarding Pre

The National Alliance of Fraternal Psychiatrists Has Just Made An Amazing Announcement Regarding President Trump

KALAMAZOO , Michigan - The highly respected NAFP had their annual meeting and the group headed by Dr. Tiffania Farragut of Shreveport , Louisiana , is deeply concerned about the mental state of President Trump .
Dr. Farragut , 37 , stated that even before DJT took office , a vast majority of the NAFP members went on record as saying that Donald Trump was unfit to be the president of the United States of America .
And when word got back to Trump , he said that they were all just a bunch of losers who needed to see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say that they were highly criticized by , not only their GOP patients , but also by their conservative friends , neighbors , relatives , and even some KKK members .
The group ascertained that Trump could legally be removed from office if at least 90 % of the NAFP members voted to remove him .
When the vote of all of the nation-wide members was tallied , the results showed that , out of the 197,391 who voted , a total of 191,227 said that the president should be removed from office @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , not as the president , but as the king , he simply nullified the vote .
He angrily expressed that he was going to mandate a special presidential directive that each doctor who voted against him will be fined anywhere from $ 400 to $ 900 .
And so now the only thing that the National Alliance of Fraternal Psychiatrists can say to everyone who is extremely unhappy with POTUS is simply , “ We told you so .
”

KALAMAZOO, Michigan - The highly respected NAFP had their annual meeting and the group headed by Dr. Tiffania Farragut of Shreveport, Louisiana, is deeply concerned about the mental state of President Trump.
Dr. Farragut, 37, stated that even before DJT took office, a vast majority of the NAFP members went on record as saying that Donald Trump was unfit to be the president of the United States of America.
And when word got back to Trump, he said that they were all just a bunch of losers who needed to see a shrink.
Many of the members say that they were highly criticized by, not only their GOP patients, but also by their conservative friends, neighbors, relatives, and even some KKK members.
The group ascertained that Trump could legally be removed from office if at least 90% of the NAFP members voted to remove him.
When the vote of all of the nation-wide members was tallied, the results showed that, out of the 197,391 who voted, a total of 191,227 said that the president should be removed from office immediately.
But since Trump sees himself, not as the president, but as the king, he simply nullified the vote. He angrily expressed that he was going to mandate a special presidential directive that each doctor who voted against him will be fined anywhere from $400 to $900.
And so now the only thing that the National Alliance of Fraternal Psychiatrists can say to everyone who is extremely unhappy with POTUS is simply, “We told you so.”


thespoof--2020-03-13--The Empress of The High Seas Cruise Line Is Offering Astonishingly Amazing Deals On Two of Their Cru

The Empress of The High Seas Cruise Line Is Offering Astonishingly Amazing Deals On Two of Their Cruises

GALVESTON - It is no secret that every cruise line company in the United States and the world is suffering due to the Coronavirus pandemic .
And for that reason the Empress of The High Seas Cruise Line is making a tremendous once in a life time offer .
Cruise line spokesperson Arnold “ Barnacle Boy ” Benedetto said that they are offering two cruises .
The first travels to Russia for 14 days and 14 nights and the price of that cruise is an amazing $ 7 plus tax .
The second package will go down to the enchanting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of South America .
And this cruise price is $ 4 plus tax .
Both plans include all of the T-Bone steaks , lobster , and caviar you can possibly eat .
Both deals also include two complimentary bottles of one of the most expensive wines produced in France , Mademoiselle Ooh La La .
And to further encourage people to take one of these two cruises , the company will register every passenger for an unbelievable drawing .
The winner will get a brand new 2020 18-wheeler diesel truck valued at $ @ @

GALVESTON - It is no secret that every cruise line company in the United States and the world is suffering due to the Coronavirus pandemic.
And for that reason the Empress of The High Seas Cruise Line is making a tremendous once in a life time offer.
Cruise line spokesperson Arnold “Barnacle Boy” Benedetto said that they are offering two cruises. The first travels to Russia for 14 days and 14 nights and the price of that cruise is an amazing $7 plus tax.
The second package will go down to the enchanting Tierra Del Fuego on the southernmost tip of South America. And this cruise price is $4 plus tax.
Both plans include all of the T-Bone steaks, lobster, and caviar you can possibly eat. Both deals also include two complimentary bottles of one of the most expensive wines produced in France, Mademoiselle Ooh La La.
And to further encourage people to take one of these two cruises, the company will register every passenger for an unbelievable drawing. The winner will get a brand new 2020 18-wheeler diesel truck valued at $124,000.


thespoof--2020-03-13--American's arm themselves as Coronavirus panic spreads

Sales of automatic weapons and assault rifles have almost trebled overnight in some states , as Americans prepare themselves for an onslaught of disease , famine , and death .
Forecasters have predicted that the virus will 'only get worse ' , and is following the same path as in Europe , which devastated parts of the continent .
However , residents of the US are not taking this 'attack ' lying down .
`` I will defend my family from germs , infection , and viruses , at any cost , '' screamed Randy Fuller , as he loaded @ @ @ @ @ @ @ containing 30 rounds .
Pointing the weapon skywards , he fired several rounds into the sky .
`` Get some ! ''
he yelled .
`` Come get some , asshole ! ''
Randy is n't the only one arming himself to fight the sickness and defend his kin .
Mild-mannered housewife , Jean Shipton , is also preparing to fight back against nature .
`` I bought myself a pistol , just a small one , though .
I will use it if the disease attempts to enter my property .
At @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I will shoot . ''
A makeshift militia formed in Providence , R.I. , claims they will `` take no prisoners '' and `` shoot on sight '' if they have to .
Leader of the group , Raymond Gripe , told me , `` I hope the virus heeds this warning .
As Americans , we have the right to bear arms and defend our property , our families and ourselves - be warned , any nasty bugs headed to Providence better be wearing a bulletproof vest and kevlar . ''

Sales of automatic weapons and assault rifles have almost trebled overnight in some states, as Americans prepare themselves for an onslaught of disease, famine, and death.
Forecasters have predicted that the virus will 'only get worse' , and is following the same path as in Europe, which devastated parts of the continent.
However, residents of the US are not taking this 'attack' lying down.
"I will defend my family from germs, infection, and viruses, at any cost," screamed Randy Fuller, as he loaded his AR-3 assault weapon with a clip containing 30 rounds. Pointing the weapon skywards, he fired several rounds into the sky. "Get some!" he yelled. "Come get some, asshole!"
Randy isn't the only one arming himself to fight the sickness and defend his kin. Mild-mannered housewife, Jean Shipton, is also preparing to fight back against nature.
"I bought myself a pistol, just a small one, though. I will use it if the disease attempts to enter my property. At the first sign of a sniffle, I will shoot."
A makeshift militia formed in Providence, R.I., claims they will "take no prisoners" and "shoot on sight" if they have to.
Leader of the group, Raymond Gripe, told me, "I hope the virus heeds this warning. As Americans, we have the right to bear arms and defend our property, our families and ourselves - be warned, any nasty bugs headed to Providence better be wearing a bulletproof vest and kevlar."


thespoof--2020-03-13--Americans arm themselves as Coronavirus panic spreads


thespoof--2020-03-14--Americans Find Cornoavirus Best Warded Off by Lying on Couch and Watching a Lot of T.V.

Amidst panic over the COVID-19 epidemic , which prompted United States President Donald Trump to declare a national emergency , many Americans report finding that coronavirus is best warded off by lying on the couch and watching a lot of T.V .
“ The content doesn ’ t seem to matter so much as the T.V.-watching itself , ” said Matt Henderson of Nashville , Tennessee , who , although he has n't been tested for the virus , believes that he has managed to fend off COVID-19 , despite recently stopping into a local coffee shop to use the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rest , preferably in a reclined position , combined with intensive exposure to media.
” Karen Larson of New York City , agreed .
“ In our society , being ‘ lame ’ and not wanting to get up and actually do anything remotely out of the ordinary , gets a bad rap , ” she noted .
“ But it ’ s now apparent that being lame offers significant health advantages .
COVID-19 has shown us that isolating , turning down any and all invitations to public places , and avoiding interaction @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a rewarding way to live , but could actually save your life.
” Randy Stephens of Louisville , Kentucky , summed up many Americans ’ attitude toward the pandemic .
“ I ’ ve always been pretty lazy and unmotivated , and I felt kind of bad about it , '' he said .
`` But now , thanks to COVID-19 , I feel totally justified .
My character defects have been transformed into assets .
Thank you , coronavirus !
”

Amidst panic over the COVID-19 epidemic, which prompted United States President Donald Trump to declare a national emergency, many Americans report finding that coronavirus is best warded off by lying on the couch and watching a lot of T.V.
“The content doesn’t seem to matter so much as the T.V.-watching itself,” said Matt Henderson of Nashville, Tennessee, who, although he hasn't been tested for the virus, believes that he has managed to fend off COVID-19, despite recently stopping into a local coffee shop to use the restroom. “The main point is rest, preferably in a reclined position, combined with intensive exposure to media.”
Karen Larson of New York City, agreed. “In our society, being ‘lame’ and not wanting to get up and actually do anything remotely out of the ordinary, gets a bad rap,” she noted. “But it’s now apparent that being lame offers significant health advantages. COVID-19 has shown us that isolating, turning down any and all invitations to public places, and avoiding interaction with other humans, is not just a rewarding way to live, but could actually save your life.”
Randy Stephens of Louisville, Kentucky, summed up many Americans’ attitude toward the pandemic. “I’ve always been pretty lazy and unmotivated, and I felt kind of bad about it," he said. "But now, thanks to COVID-19, I feel totally justified. My character defects have been transformed into assets. Thank you, coronavirus!”


thespoof--2020-03-14--The White House Has Run Out of Toilet Paper

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Two of the White House maids have disclosed to a reporter with The Washington Globe Express that the huge mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has run out of toilet paper .
The two White House maids , who did not want to give their names - so I ’ ll simply refer to them as Gertrud Osterholm , 27 , and Helga Gunnarlunt , 31 - are afraid that POTUS would have them deported back to Sweden if he found out that they talked to the media .
Miss Osterholm said that they told the president @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ago , and he said that he would have Eric , 36 , go to Kroger and buy a case of Charmin .
Helga said that Eric , apparently , did not write it down , and everyone knows that “ Goofy ” , as first lady Melania calls him , simply is extremely forgetful .
Miss Gunnarlunt remarked , “ Dat Eric fella , I hate ta be saying , but he does have da memory span of a baby gnat , he does.
” The two maids said that they are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can talk to the White House Barbie ( Ivanka ) , and see if they have a little more luck with her .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Two of the White House maids have disclosed to a reporter with The Washington Globe Express that the huge mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue has run out of toilet paper.
The two White House maids, who did not want to give their names -
so I’ll simply refer to them as Gertrud Osterholm, 27, and Helga Gunnarlunt, 31 - are afraid that POTUS would have them deported back to Sweden if he found out that they talked to the media.
Miss Osterholm said that they told the president about the toilet paper situation ten days ago, and he said that he would have Eric, 36, go to Kroger and buy a case of Charmin.
Helga said that Eric, apparently, did not write it down, and everyone knows that “Goofy”, as first lady Melania calls him, simply is extremely forgetful.
Miss Gunnarlunt remarked, “Dat Eric fella, I hate ta be saying, but he does have da memory span of a baby gnat, he does.”
The two maids said that they are going to try and see if they can talk to the White House Barbie (Ivanka), and see if they have a little more luck with her.


thespoof--2020-03-14--Colorado Denies That Traces of The Coronavirus Have Been Found In The State's Pot Supply

DENVER – Governor John Hickenlooper of Colorado is very upset with President Trump , who mistakenly tweeted that traces of the Coronavirus had been found in the state ’ s supply of marijuana .
Hickenlooper suggested that POTUS needs to worry about that ex-nun out in Petaluma , California , who , allegedly , has compromising photos of him and her , that were taken on September 16 , 2002 , at a Motel 6 .
The governor commented that he has personally checked out the states entire 17-ton stash of Durango Bango Marijuana , and it is 100 % @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Hickenlooper took a bite out of his slice of triple pepperoni pizza , and told the assembled reporters that Trump needs to apologize to the fine , upstanding pot smokers of Colorado .
He added that Trump needs to do the right thing , and donate at least $ 10,000 to offset the stress that he put thousands of fine Colorado residents through .
One pot-smoking resident identified as Daffodil Tittlefitz , 21 , said that , when she heard what the president had said , she got so upset that she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ all by herself .
Daffodil , who only stands 5 foot 2 , and weights 103 pounds , confessed that she then went next door to a Taco Bell and ordered and ate six 7-Layer Burritos .
When Trump was made aware of Governor Hickenlooper ’ s comments , he replied `` Look , I have never heard of this Senator Heinekenlicker , Colorado , or marijuana . ''

DENVER – Governor John Hickenlooper of Colorado is very upset with President Trump, who mistakenly tweeted that traces of the Coronavirus had been found in the state’s supply of marijuana.
Hickenlooper suggested that POTUS needs to worry about that ex-nun out in Petaluma, California, who, allegedly, has compromising photos of him and her, that were taken on September 16, 2002, at a Motel 6.
The governor commented that he has personally checked out the states entire 17-ton stash of Durango Bango Marijuana, and it is 100% clear of any strain of the Coronavirus.
Hickenlooper took a bite out of his slice of triple pepperoni pizza, and told the assembled reporters that Trump needs to apologize to the fine, upstanding pot smokers of Colorado.
He added that Trump needs to do the right thing, and donate at least $10,000 to offset the stress that he put thousands of fine Colorado residents through.
One pot-smoking resident identified as Daffodil Tittlefitz, 21, said that, when she heard what the president had said, she got so upset that she ate a 20-piece bucket of KFC chicken all by herself.
Daffodil, who only stands 5 foot 2, and weights 103 pounds, confessed that she then went next door to a Taco Bell and ordered and ate six 7-Layer Burritos.
When Trump was made aware of Governor Hickenlooper’s comments, he replied "Look, I have never heard of this Senator Heinekenlicker, Colorado, or marijuana."


thespoof--2020-03-14--Prisons to release offenders early to prevent Coronavirus spread in US penal system

With prisons and jails in danger of becoming breeding grounds for the coronavirus , the White House has come up with a novel way of releasing criminals back into society earlier than their initial sentences demanded While not classed as parole , the idea , the brainchild of The Federal Department of Corrections and circuit court judges across the country , came after they had been looking for answers to the situation .
The idea is cheap and simple and will ensure the public 's safety , according to a tweet posted by Vice President Pence .
`` We are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mugging and street crime , and make them wear a bell around their neck .
The idea came from several judges who said that they put bells around their cat 's necks , which warns birds that the cat is approaching and likely to pounce .
We are going to put bells on collars around these muggers necks ... .so if they creep up on anybody , they can be heard and the intended victim can be alerted and run away . ''
Some people are concerned that the idea is flawed .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ `` It is all well and good having these criminals , muggers and thieves running around with bells attached to their necks , and I agree that it is a cheap , economical and effective way of warning people that a mugger or robber is approaching , however , I feel muggers will start targeting deaf people , who ca n't hear the bell .
What about them ? ''
Despite the concern , the first prisoners will be set free on Monday , and along with a bell attached to a collar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ' worth of cat litter , a toy furry mouse and a tin of Whiskas upon release .

With prisons and jails in danger of becoming breeding grounds for the coronavirus, the White House has come up with a novel way of releasing criminals back into society earlier than their initial sentences demanded
While not classed as parole, the idea, the brainchild of The Federal Department of Corrections and circuit court judges across the country, came after they had been looking for answers to the situation.
The idea is cheap and simple and will ensure the public's safety, according to a tweet posted by Vice President Pence.
A government spokeswoman explained the plan.
"We are going to release every prisoner convicted of mugging and street crime, and make them wear a bell around their neck. The idea came from several judges who said that they put bells around their cat's necks, which warns birds that the cat is approaching and likely to pounce. We are going to put bells on collars around these muggers necks....so if they creep up on anybody, they can be heard and the intended victim can be alerted and run away."
Some people are concerned that the idea is flawed.
Florida State attorney Dave Crumb said, "It is all well and good having these criminals, muggers and thieves running around with bells attached to their necks, and I agree that it is a cheap, economical and effective way of warning people that a mugger or robber is approaching, however, I feel muggers will start targeting deaf people, who can't hear the bell. What about them?"
Despite the concern, the first prisoners will be set free on Monday, and along with a bell attached to a collar, they will also receive a weeks' worth of cat litter, a toy furry mouse and a tin of Whiskas upon release.


thespoof--2020-03-15--Where Are The Coronavirus Tests For US Taxpayers?

Where are any coronavirus tests for US taxpayers ?
Huh ?
Even Heidi Klum can ’ t get tested and , she ’ s at home feeling sick and feverish .
Has Ivanka been tested ?
Has anyone seen Melania lately ?
Is she under quarantine or lockdown ?
The former world superpower , called the United States of America , appears to have been kidnapped and held hostage by the incompetent Trump presidency .
His voiceless coconspirators are frightened Republican elected members of the House and Senate .
They seem oblivious to the wrecking-ball Trump has taken to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ point : Taxpayers pay their salary , not Trump .
Mitch McConnell just gave the Senate the weekend off .
Why ?
The US is in a declared pandemic .
Store shelves are empty .
People are secluded at home .
If the Senate can take a weekend off during a national pandemic , maybe the Senate is n't a necessary part of the government ?
Who knows what ’ s going on in North Korea ?
Does Russia have any coronavirus cases ?
Is Trump phoning Ukraine about coronavirus ?
There are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has cases .
Italy is in lockdown .
Italians are singing from their windows to express their freedom .
Spain has imposed a nationwide lockdown .
Trump says no one can fly to England or Ireland .
When South Korea , ( not to , in any way , hint at casting aspersions about the nation ) can manage to test 10,000 per day , but Oregon State is given only 40 test kits , and tests 10 people per day , and Heidi Klum can ’ t get tested , what does @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Korea knows ?
Is the failure of the Trump administration in handling the coronavirus spread all due to dismantling the White House Pandemic Response team ?
And did Trump dismantle it just because the team was formed by President Barack Obama ?
Trump also did away with Obama ’ s Clean Water bill .
Will citizens soon have to worry about catching a case of typhoid , cholera , malaria , or polio ?
It may be time for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to begin impeachment hearings again .
This time , however @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is killing citizens .
Hopefully , not Heidi Klum .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Where are any coronavirus tests for US taxpayers? Huh? Even Heidi Klum can’t get tested and, she’s at home feeling sick and feverish. Has Ivanka been tested? Has anyone seen Melania lately? Is she under quarantine or lockdown?
The former world superpower, called the United States of America, appears to have been kidnapped and held hostage by the incompetent Trump presidency. His voiceless coconspirators are frightened Republican elected members of the House and Senate. They seem oblivious to the wrecking-ball Trump has taken to the taxpayers of the United States. Forgotten point: Taxpayers pay their salary, not Trump.
Mitch McConnell just gave the Senate the weekend off. Why? The US is in a declared pandemic. Store shelves are empty. People are secluded at home. If the Senate can take a weekend off during a national pandemic, maybe the Senate isn't a necessary part of the government?
Who knows what’s going on in North Korea? Does Russia have any coronavirus cases? Is Trump phoning Ukraine about coronavirus? There are cases in Turkey. Saudi Arabia also has cases.
Italy is in lockdown. Italians are singing from their windows to express their freedom. Spain has imposed a nationwide lockdown. Trump says no one can fly to England or Ireland.
When South Korea, (not to, in any way, hint at casting aspersions about the nation) can manage to test 10,000 per day, but Oregon State is given only 40 test kits, and tests 10 people per day, and Heidi Klum can’t get tested, what does the United States not know that South Korea knows?
Is the failure of the Trump administration in handling the coronavirus spread all due to dismantling the White House Pandemic Response team? And did Trump dismantle it just because the team was formed by President Barack Obama?
Trump also did away with Obama’s Clean Water Rule. Will citizens soon have to worry about catching a case of typhoid, cholera, malaria, or polio?
It may be time for House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to begin impeachment hearings again. This time, however, Trump’s failure and incompetence is killing citizens. Hopefully, not Heidi Klum.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-03-14--CDC Officials: Staying Home and Posting Toilet Paper Memes on Facebook is Still a Safe Activity

Washington - Health Officials in the Trump administration and the Centers for Disease Control confirmed on Friday that it is @ @ @ @ @ seniors , and others at risk from the Coronavirus contagion , to just stay sheltered @ @ @ @ @ funny memes about toilet paper-hoarding on their Facebook timelines and other social media sites .
@ @ @ @ @ to the president , said , in a news conference , Friday , that many @ @ @ @ @ meetings , sporting events , and other gatherings requiring close human contact , needed to @ @ @ @ @ , higher-risk individuals could safely sit in their homes and post funny jokes and memes @ @ @ @ @ a panicked public that has caused toilet paper and other consumer staples to disappear from @ @ @ @ @ Yes , I would highly recommend such activities .
Everyone needs a good laugh at @ @ @ @ @ Fauci , responding to reporters ' questions .

Washington - Health Officials in the Trump administration and the Centers for Disease Control confirmed on Friday that it is not a high-risk activity for seniors, and others at risk from the Coronavirus contagion, to just stay sheltered in their homes and post funny memes about toilet paper-hoarding on their Facebook timelines and other social media sites.
Anthony Fauci, lead advisor to the president, said, in a news conference, Friday, that many activities, such as large meetings, sporting events, and other gatherings requiring close human contact, needed to be curtailed, but that, higher-risk individuals could safely sit in their homes and post funny jokes and memes about the ridiculous hoarding by a panicked public that has caused toilet paper and other consumer staples to disappear from shelves at stores.
"Yes, I would highly recommend such activities. Everyone needs a good laugh at this point," said Fauci, responding to reporters' questions.


thespoof--2020-03-15--Coronavirus v. Trump: Has The Virus Met Its Match?

As the fatal Coronavirus continues to sweep all before it in its victory parade around the globe , political analysts are asking the all-important question in the lead-up to the 2020 presidential election : '' Has the virus met its match ? ''
They refer , of course , to Donald Trump .
Although the virus has been seen to 'take no prisoners ' in its deadly campaign , killing more than 3,000 people all over the world , it 's just possible that its relentless march might be halted when it bumps up against Trump .
The president is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cheats and steals well ; is a racist and a misogynist ; is a formidable foe in a conflict ; has respect for nobody ; destroys reputations without moving an eyelash ; makes friends into enemies ; and is impervious to criticism .
There is nothing to which he wo n't stoop .
The Coronavirus better watch out .
`` I do n't know much about viruses , but if it 's a battle it wants , it should know who it 's dealing with !
If , on the other hand , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I 'm open to discussion , and I 'm sure we can do a deal . ''
America held its breath , as well it might .

As the fatal Coronavirus continues to sweep all before it in its victory parade around the globe, political analysts are asking the all-important question in the lead-up to the 2020 presidential election:
"Has the virus met its match?"
They refer, of course, to Donald Trump.
Although the virus has been seen to 'take no prisoners' in its deadly campaign, killing more than 3,000 people all over the world, it's just possible that its relentless march might be halted when it bumps up against Trump.
The president is an extraordinary chararcter.
He lies, cheats and steals well; is a racist and a misogynist; is a formidable foe in a conflict; has respect for nobody; destroys reputations without moving an eyelash; makes friends into enemies; and is impervious to criticism. There is nothing to which he won't stoop.
The Coronavirus better watch out.
Trump said last night:
"I don't know much about viruses, but if it's a battle it wants, it should know who it's dealing with! If, on the other hand, it has an amicable solution in mind, I'm open to discussion, and I'm sure we can do a deal."
America held its breath, as well it might.


thespoof--2020-03-15--Trump Dismisses Depression Epidemic as "Fake Blues"

A proponent of positive thinking , United States President Donald Trump dismissed the wave of depression , anxiety , and other mental illness reportedly sweeping the nation as “ fake blues.
” “ As Abraham Lincoln said , most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be , ” said Trump , encouraging Americans overwhelmed by hopelessness and despair to “ fake it till they make it ” – that is , to paste on a smile and adopt a cheerful demeanor until they actually feel cheerful .
“ I ’ m a big believer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Look at me – I faked it all the way to the presidency.
” Expressing doubt regarding the common perception that the number of Americans with anxiety and/or depression is skyrocketing like never before , Trump said , `` Once again , the liberal media is distorting reality .
Those people aren ’ t actually unhappy .
They ’ re just hoping that if they complain long enough , someone will give them a handout .
Really what they need is some tough love.
” When it was pointed out , however @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one of the largest bankrollers of many conservative groups , including Trump ’ s own campaign , the president was quick to speak up in favor of pharmaceutical remedies for depression and other mood disorders .
“ Just because it ’ s fake blues doesn ’ t mean there ’ s not a pill for it .
I hear Oxycontin has done wonders for people .
I ’ d urge anyone to take medication - to support the economy , if nothing else .
”

A proponent of positive thinking, United States President Donald Trump dismissed the wave of depression, anxiety, and other mental illness reportedly sweeping the nation as “fake blues.”
“As Abraham Lincoln said, most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be,” said Trump, encouraging Americans overwhelmed by hopelessness and despair to “fake it till they make it” – that is, to paste on a smile and adopt a cheerful demeanor until they actually feel cheerful. “I’m a big believer in faking it until you make it. Look at me – I faked it all the way to the presidency.”
Expressing doubt regarding the common perception that the number of Americans with anxiety and/or depression is skyrocketing like never before, Trump said, "Once again, the liberal media is distorting reality. Those people aren’t actually unhappy. They’re just hoping that if they complain long enough, someone will give them a handout. Really what they need is some tough love.”
When it was pointed out, however, that Big Pharma continues to be one of the largest bankrollers of many conservative groups, including Trump’s own campaign, the president was quick to speak up in favor of pharmaceutical remedies for depression and other mood disorders. “Just because it’s fake blues doesn’t mean there’s not a pill for it. I hear Oxycontin has done wonders for people. I’d urge anyone to take medication - to support the economy, if nothing else.”


thespoof--2020-03-15--Trump Denies The Rumor That He Has A Tattoo of First Daughter Ivanka

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The president was having lunch at a District of Columbia McDonalds with Scott Baio and Tucker Carlson .
A reporter with RumorLand News asked him about the gossip that he has a tattoo of his daughter , Ivanka .
Trump angrily put down his Big Mac and yelled out that he does not have any tattoos , and especially not one of Ivanka .
Ty Quickmeister with RLN said that he talked to Sean Hannity who confided that he had personally seen the tattoo on several occasions .
“ Sean Hannity ?
?
? ''
Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ we go again with all this talk about collusion , witch hunts , and hoaxes.
” Trump angrily picked up a French fry , and tossed it at Scott Baio hitting him on his left ear .
POTUS then said that he has never met Hannity , and that if there are any videos out there of them together , that it was most likely photoshopped by Nancy Pelosi .
IN CLOSING – Trump ’ s second son , Eric , allegedly told a reporter with the iNews Agency that he thinks he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ walked in on his daddy and his step-mommy in their bedroom while they were doing the 'sis-boom-bah . '

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The president was having lunch at a District of Columbia McDonalds with Scott Baio and Tucker Carlson.
A reporter with RumorLand News asked him about the gossip that he has a tattoo of his daughter, Ivanka.
Trump angrily put down his Big Mac and yelled out that he does not have any tattoos, and especially not one of Ivanka.
Ty Quickmeister with RLN said that he talked to Sean Hannity who confided that he had personally seen the tattoo on several occasions.
“Sean Hannity???" Trump yelled out. "Well, here we go again with all this talk about collusion, witch hunts, and hoaxes.”
Trump angrily picked up a French fry, and tossed it at Scott Baio hitting him on his left ear.
POTUS then said that he has never met Hannity, and that if there are any videos out there of them together, that it was most likely photoshopped by Nancy Pelosi.
IN CLOSING – Trump’s second son, Eric, allegedly told a reporter with the iNews Agency that he thinks he saw the tattoo once when he accidentally walked in on his daddy and his step-mommy in their bedroom while they were doing the 'sis-boom-bah.'


thespoof--2020-03-15--Anthony Scaramucci Says He Knows Why Donald Trump Did Not Want To Get Tested For The Coronavirus

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Anthony Scaramucci , who was President Trump ’ s Director of Directing for 11 days , @ @ @ @ @ exactly why Trump refused for so long to get tested for the C-19 virus .
@ @ @ @ @ had contact with 127 individuals who have already tested positive for the dreaded COVID-19 .
@ @ @ @ @ a very attractive female whom the president kissed full on the lips for an extended @ @ @ @ @ former Director of Directing said that the president is now scared to death that the @ @ @ @ @ , and he will have to be quarantined for 14 days , thus missing out @ @ @ @ @ and his daily trip to McDonalds .
Scaramucci quipped that if that happens , then @ @ @ @ @ the leader of the free world more bat shit crazy than he already is .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Anthony Scaramucci, who was President Trump’s Director of Directing for 11 days, has revealed that he knows exactly why Trump refused for so long to get tested for the C-19 virus.
Scaramucci divulged that Trump has had contact with 127 individuals who have already tested positive for the dreaded COVID-19.
One of the 127 was a very attractive female whom the president kissed full on the lips for an extended period of time.
The former Director of Directing said that the president is now scared to death that the results will come back positive, and he will have to be quarantined for 14 days, thus missing out on his campaign pep rallies and his daily trip to McDonalds.
Scaramucci quipped that if that happens, then it will most likely drive the leader of the free world more bat shit crazy than he already is.


thespoof--2020-03-15--Donald Trump’s Campaign Rally Attendance Keeps Going Down, Down, Down

WASHINGTON , D.C. – It is no secret that Trump has become extremely concerned at the fact that , due @ @ @ @ @ attendance at his rallies has dropped off by as much as 65 % .
His @ @ @ @ @ and more empty seats , and Trump has suggested that they start filling those seats @ @ @ @ @ just lying around outside the venues doing nothing but drinking wine and telling knock-knock jokes @ @ @ @ @ of his closest aides that he wants his people to tell the homeless folks that @ @ @ @ @ one of them a McDonalds Happy Meal .
When Trump was told that most of @ @ @ @ @ fans of his or the Republican party , he became quite agitated .
He raised @ @ @ @ @ “ Tell the ingrates that if they do not accept my Happy Meal offer , @ @ @ @ @ put on Greyhound buses and transported up to the northernmost part of Alaska , where @ @ @ @ @ to minus 67 degrees .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – It is no secret that Trump has become extremely concerned at the fact that, due to the Coronavirus situation, attendance at his rallies has dropped off by as much as 65%.
His campaign team is seeing more and more empty seats, and Trump has suggested that they start filling those seats with homeless people who are just lying around outside the venues doing nothing but drinking wine and telling knock-knock jokes.
He even told one of his closest aides that he wants his people to tell the homeless folks that their leader will buy each one of them a McDonalds Happy Meal.
When Trump was told that most of the homeless probably are not fans of his or the Republican party, he became quite agitated.
He raised his voice and exclaimed, “Tell the ingrates that if they do not accept my Happy Meal offer, I will have them all put on Greyhound buses and transported up to the northernmost part of Alaska, where the temperatures can get down to minus 67 degrees.


thespoof--2020-03-15--Michael Cohen Says That He Is Ready To Spill The Beans on President Trump

MADRID , New York – The man who was Donald Trump ’ s personal attorney and so called “ Fixer @ @ @ @ @ has just commented that he is ready to sing like Celine Dion .
Michael Cohen @ @ @ @ @ a lot of time to think , as he sat in his tiny 8 foot @ @ @ @ @ York state ’ s infamous Sang Sung Prison .
The 53-year-old lawyer declared that , @ @ @ @ @ president has only sent him one text message .
The text message said “ Hey @ @ @ @ @ deal , pal ?
You will not reveal any damning evidence about me , and @ @ @ @ @ night in Tijuana Mexico with you , the inflatable 6-foot-tall female doll , me , @ @ @ @ @ Stormy Daniels.
” Cohen said that Trump had promised to give him a pardon , @ @ @ @ @ his pardons are all still being audited .
He assured him that he will do @ @ @ @ @ him released before Christmas 2021 .

MADRID, New York – The man who was Donald Trump’s personal attorney and so called “Fixer” for ten years, has just commented that he is ready to sing like Celine Dion.
Michael Cohen said that he has had a lot of time to think, as he sat in his tiny 8 foot by 10 cell at New York state’s infamous Sang Sung Prison.
The 53-year-old lawyer declared that, since being imprisoned, the president has only sent him one text message. The text message said “Hey, Mikey, remember our deal, pal? You will not reveal any damning evidence about me, and I will not mention that night in Tijuana Mexico with you, the inflatable 6-foot-tall female doll, me, and that big-mouthed witch, Stormy Daniels.”
Cohen said that Trump had promised to give him a pardon, but he then said that his pardons are all still being audited. He assured him that he will do his very best to get him released before Christmas 2021.


thespoof--2020-03-15--Gov. Newsom Puts Coronavirus Bounty On Straying Senior Citizens

BILLINGSGATE POST : For a moment , I thought it was a joke .
The banner line crossing the bottom of my TV said that California Governor Gavin Newsom was issuing a bounty on senior citizens over the age of 65 .
Anyone caught outside the door of their domicile could be apprehended , and upon the delivery of the victim ’ s ears to the County Treasurer , paid a bounty of $ 450 , tax free .
Newsom also called for the closure of all bars .
“ If they can ’ t [ work ] , how @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Adolfo Espinoza , owner of Rocco ’ s WeHo , a drag bar in Santa Monica .
Before hearing about Newsom ’ s directive , Espinoza said he had no plans to close , despite bad reviews and social media posts from people who shamed Rocco ’ s for not shutting down for people ’ s safety .
“ We live in a sick world , ” he said .
“ Sex and alcohol is always going to sell.
“ Newsom : “ Those old turkey necks have been bleeding the State @ @ @ @ @ @ @ predicated on a mortality rate differential that didn ’ t take into account that people were living far beyond the age of 65 .
The Coronavirus is a gift to Generation X that just keeps on giving.
” Slim : “ I wonder if his parents were told about this ?
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: For a moment, I thought it was a joke. The banner line crossing the bottom of my TV said that California Governor Gavin Newsom was issuing a bounty on senior citizens over the age of 65. Anyone caught outside the door of their domicile could be apprehended, and upon the delivery of the victim’s ears to the County Treasurer, paid a bounty of $450, tax free.
Newsom also called for the closure of all bars.
“If they can’t [work], how are they going to survive?” said Adolfo Espinoza, owner of Rocco’s WeHo, a drag bar in Santa Monica.
Before hearing about Newsom’s directive, Espinoza said he had no plans to close, despite bad reviews and social media posts from people who shamed Rocco’s for not shutting down for people’s safety.
“We live in a sick world,” he said. “Sex and alcohol is always going to sell.“
Insanity? Not so fast, Buster.
Newsom: “Those old turkey necks have been bleeding the State for years. Our pension funds were predicated on a mortality rate differential that didn’t take into account that people were living far beyond the age of 65. The Coronavirus is a gift to Generation X that just keeps on giving.”
Slim: “I wonder if his parents were told about this?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Nah...The guy was born under a rock.”


thespoof--2020-03-16--Federal Reserve Imposes Negative Interest with Quarter Point Debit on All Savings Accounts

Federal Reserve HQ , Washington D. C. Having failed to bolster the markets with a half-point cut in interest rates @ @ @ @ @ a further cut to 0 interest on savings apparently a failure as well , Federal @ @ @ @ @ negative charge of one quarter of a point on all savings accounts in U.S. banks @ @ @ @ @ force savings depositors to move their money into the stock or bond markets .
`` @ @ @ @ @ locked up in savings accounts that could be invested in good old American stocks and @ @ @ @ @ , and bond interest rates lower .
Instead , the nation 's seniors have put @ @ @ @ @ of a savings account that does the economy little good .
This negative interest rate @ @ @ @ @ something productive with their money . ''
Initial reports from banks indicated most older depositors @ @ @ @ @ 's tax on their savings , were indeed moving their money to another mattress , @ @ @ @ @ .

Federal Reserve HQ, Washington D. C. Having failed to bolster the markets with a half-point cut in interest rates last week, and with a further cut to 0 interest on savings apparently a failure as well, Federal Reserve chairman Powell ordered a negative charge of one quarter of a point on all savings accounts in U.S. banks. The intent is to force savings depositors to move their money into the stock or bond markets.
"We have $20 trillion locked up in savings accounts that could be invested in good old American stocks and bonds, driving Dow higher, and bond interest rates lower. Instead, the nation's seniors have put their money into the mattress of a savings account that does the economy little good. This negative interest rate will force them to do something productive with their money."
Initial reports from banks indicated most older depositors, acting to avoid Powell's tax on their savings, were indeed moving their money to another mattress, the one in their bedrooms.


thespoof--2020-03-15--President Trump v. Coronavirus: Has The Virus Met Its Match?


thespoof--2020-03-15--Coronavirus Spelled Backwards = Suriv-Anoroc: A Coincidence?

BILLINGSGATE POST : You might have to change your minds about the relevancy of unintended coincidences .
But with all of the handwringing attention being given to the Worldwide Coronavirus epidemic , perhaps some linguistic analysis of the semordnilap origins of the virus is called for .
In the World of Etymology , which is the study of words and the way in which their meanings have changed throughout history , it shouldn ’ t surprise readers that Dr. Billingsgate has a doctorate in this discipline .
Dr. B : “ This was not a frivolous pursuit of a meaningless @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it would come in handy someday in the future.
” Of concern , of course , is the given fact that “ Coronavirus ” spelled backwards is “ Suriv-Anoroc.
” Of sub-lateral interest is that “ Virus ” spelled backwards comes out “ Suriv.
” ** **The Japanese pronunciation of survive sounds like suriv .
Combined with “ Anoroc , ” it appears that perhaps a mad wordsmith put these two words together ; to wit .
`` Anoroc ” /ˈænəræk/ is a British slang which refers to a person who has a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in niche subjects .
This interest may be unacknowledged or not understood by the general public .
The term is sometimes used synonymously with `` geek '' or `` nerd '' , the Spanish term `` friki '' , or the Japanese term `` otaku '' , albeit referring to different words .
Slim : “ A word to the wise : Don ’ t breeze through the above like it ’ s a Monkey Wood ’ s Harry Maguire farce .
There ’ s real meat here .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: You might have to change your minds about the relevancy of unintended coincidences. But with all of the handwringing attention being given to the Worldwide Coronavirus epidemic, perhaps some linguistic analysis of the semordnilap origins of the virus is called for.
In the World of Etymology, which is the study of words and the way in which their meanings have changed throughout history, it shouldn’t surprise readers that Dr. Billingsgate has a doctorate in this discipline.
Dr. B: “This was not a frivolous pursuit of a meaningless doctorate. I had a hunch that it would come in handy someday in the future.”
Of concern, of course, is the given fact that “Coronavirus” spelled backwards is “Suriv-Anoroc.” Of sub-lateral interest is that “Virus” spelled backwards comes out “Suriv.”**
**The Japanese pronunciation of survive sounds like suriv.
Combined with “Anoroc, ” it appears that perhaps a mad wordsmith put these two words together; to wit.
"Anoroc” /ˈænəræk/ is a British slang which refers to a person who has a very strong interest, perhaps obsessive, in niche subjects. This interest may be unacknowledged or not understood by the general public. The term is sometimes used synonymously with "geek" or "nerd", the Spanish term "friki", or the Japanese term "otaku", albeit referring to different words.
Survive a geek? Whatever.
Slim: “A word to the wise: Don’t breeze through the above like it’s a Monkey Wood’s Harry Maguire farce. There’s real meat here.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Geek it up a notch.”


thespoof--2020-03-16--Joe Biden Reveals The Women Who Are On His Short Vice-President List

NEW YORK CITY – Former Vice-President Joe Biden spoke with Anderson Cooper of CNN , and told him who he is considering to join him on the Democratic ticket .
Biden said that it is no secret that he loves women .
“ I admire females for many reasons .
For one thing , ” he said “ it is positively amazing how they can take a little bit of this and a little bit of that , and end up with a tremendous Thanskgiving dinner.
” He also stated that , in Russia for example , a woman can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have labor pains , go into the barn , have a baby , and , 45 minutes later , she is back on the tractor continuing to plow.
” When asked who his choices for VP were , he smiled , and said that he has narrowed his VP list down to three names : Michelle Obama , Oprah Winfrey , and Taylor Swift .
He said that Michelle is one of the seven smartest women in the entire United States .
He grinned , and added , “ Plus the gorgeous woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 4 minutes.
” Regarding Oprah , he said he ’ s never known anybody , male or female , who has given away as many cars as she has .
He thought for a moment , and noted that the last figure he recalls off the top of his head was 2,904 automobiles .
“ And then there ’ s that very pretty 'girl next door ' , Taylor Swift.
” He started humming one of her hits , and got a huge smile on his face , and said , “ And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ talented , she also has about 86 million twitter followers , and that roughly translates into about 71 million eligible voters .
Hot diggity damn !
” he shouted

NEW YORK CITY – Former Vice-President Joe Biden spoke with Anderson Cooper of CNN, and told him who he is considering to join him on the Democratic ticket.
Biden said that it is no secret that he loves women. “I admire females for many reasons. For one thing,” he said “it is positively amazing how they can take a little bit of this and a little bit of that, and end up with a tremendous Thanskgiving dinner.”
He also stated that, in Russia for example, a woman can be out plowing on the tractor, have labor pains, go into the barn, have a baby, and, 45 minutes later, she is back on the tractor continuing to plow.”
When asked who his choices for VP were, he smiled, and said that he has narrowed his VP list down to three names: Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, and Taylor Swift.
He said that Michelle is one of the seven smartest women in the entire United States. He grinned, and added, “Plus the gorgeous woman can do 400 push-ups in 3 or 4 minutes.”
Regarding Oprah, he said he’s never known anybody, male or female, who has given away as many cars as she has. He thought for a moment, and noted that the last figure he recalls off the top of his head was 2,904 automobiles.
“And then there’s that very pretty 'girl next door', Taylor Swift.” He started humming one of her hits, and got a huge smile on his face, and said, “And, not only is the little gal talented, she also has about 86 million twitter followers, and that roughly translates into about 71 million eligible voters. Hot diggity damn!” he shouted


thespoof--2020-03-16--Coronavirus Crisis Rivaled only by Hypochondria Epidemic

With more and more cases of COVID-19 being diagnosed throughout the United States , a new pandemic has unexpectedly surpassed even the coronavirus crisis , with Americans everywhere reporting skyrocketing rates of hypochondria .
Having noticed that her throat is a little dry and she feels a bit fatigued , Monica Woodson of Rochester , New York , fears that she has either a new strain of coronavirus or prostate cancer .
“ I know that prostate cancer is relatively rare in women , '' said Woodson .
`` But viruses are mutating as we speak .
These days anything @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Tennessee , is also highly concerned about having either coronavirus , an autoimmune disease , or bipolar – or all of the above , due to a brain tumor .
“ I don ’ t typically get migraines , but I felt a tingling in the back of my head – and I flew off the handle at my boyfriend recently , which is not like me at all , ” she said .
“ He told me I was acting like a different person . ''
After realizing that she 'd @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the grocery store , Rodriguez was reminded that anecdotal evidence suggests that COVID-19 makes people even more vulnerable to cancer and psychiatric disorders .
`` Lately , it 's been one thing after another .
It would be just my luck to get everything . ''
On the other hand , Eric Robertson of New York City , a self-described “ reverse hypochondriac , ” is taking the COVID-19 scare in stride .
“ Compared to the contamination we ’ re exposed to on a daily basis here in New York , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is probably an upgrade , '' he said .
`` So , as far as I ’ m concerned , bring it on - we could do a lot worse ! ''

With more and more cases of COVID-19 being diagnosed throughout the United States, a new pandemic has unexpectedly surpassed even the coronavirus crisis, with Americans everywhere reporting skyrocketing rates of hypochondria.
Having noticed that her throat is a little dry and she feels a bit fatigued, Monica Woodson of Rochester, New York, fears that she has either a new strain of coronavirus or prostate cancer. “I know that prostate cancer is relatively rare in women," said Woodson. "But viruses are mutating as we speak. These days anything is possible.”
Carmen Rodriguez of Chattanooga, Tennessee, is also highly concerned about having either coronavirus, an autoimmune disease, or bipolar – or all of the above, due to a brain tumor. “I don’t typically get migraines, but I felt a tingling in the back of my head – and I flew off the handle at my boyfriend recently, which is not like me at all,” she said. “He told me I was acting like a different person."
After realizing that she'd forgotten to wash her hands after going to the grocery store, Rodriguez was reminded that anecdotal evidence suggests that COVID-19 makes people even more vulnerable to cancer and psychiatric disorders. "Lately, it's been one thing after another. It would be just my luck to get everything."
On the other hand, Eric Robertson of New York City, a self-described “reverse hypochondriac,” is taking the COVID-19 scare in stride. “Compared to the contamination we’re exposed to on a daily basis here in New York, even just taking the subway, coronavirus is probably an upgrade," he said. "So, as far as I’m concerned, bring it on - we could do a lot worse!"


thespoof--2020-03-16--Donald Trump Confesses That He Is Seriously Considering Cancelling The Upcoming Presidential Electio

Donald Trump Confesses That He Is Seriously Considering Cancelling The Upcoming Presidential Election

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Trump recently met with his top adviser , Kellyanne Conway , and his daughter , Ivanka , and they have decided that it will probably be in the best interests of the country if the 2020 Presidential Election is cancelled .
POTUS stated that , since he is way ahead in the polls , it would really just be a waste of both his and the Democratic nominee ’ s money if the election was held .
Kellyanne pointed out that anyone who has a television can clearly see that at least 94 % of the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ presidential way that DJT is running the country .
Ivanka chimed in , and said , “ Yes , Kell , I totally agree with you , and furthermore , my daddy is not only the most perfect daddy in the entire world , he is also the most perfect president in the entire universe.
” “ Thank you , sweetie , ” Trump said , grinning from ear-to-ear , “ It is easy to see that you got everything from me , and really nothing from your mama ; except , of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ long hair , and your love of chicken enchiladas .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Trump recently met with his top adviser, Kellyanne Conway, and his daughter, Ivanka, and they have decided that it will probably be in the best interests of the country if the 2020 Presidential Election is cancelled.
POTUS stated that, since he is way ahead in the polls, it would really just be a waste of both his and the Democratic nominee’s money if the election was held.
Kellyanne pointed out that anyone who has a television can clearly see that at least 94% of the American people totally agree with the amazingly presidential way that DJT is running the country.
Ivanka chimed in, and said, “Yes, Kell, I totally agree with you, and furthermore, my daddy is not only the most perfect daddy in the entire world, he is also the most perfect president in the entire universe.”
“Thank you, sweetie,” Trump said, grinning from ear-to-ear, “It is easy to see that you got everything from me, and really nothing from your mama; except, of course, for your gender, your long hair, and your love of chicken enchiladas.”


thespoof--2020-03-17--Three Women at a Walmart Involved in a Brawl Over Charmin Toilet Paper

SAGINAW , Michigan – Police were called to a local Walmart , after reports that three quite hefty women started fighting over a package of Charmin Toilet Paper .
Store manager , Conzuelo Buckingbaum , 42 , said that she was walking by the toilet paper aisle , on her way to the restroom , when she saw one woman pick up the last package of Charmin toilet paper .
As she put the package in her shopping cart , another female customer reached in and took it out .
Buckingbaum told her to return the toilet paper , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , another lady who was wearing a cotton romper that looked to be three sizes too small , lunged at the lady holding the toilet paper .
Buckingbaum said that , at that point , all hell broke loose .
One of the women grabbed another one in a headlock , while the third shopper hit her over the head with a three-pound brisket .
The woman screamed like a crazed banshee , and proceeded to bite the shopper who had her in a headlock , on her left knocker , which had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her MAGA halter top .
A security guard , who was standing nearby , could be heard whispering , “ No , sir , there ain ’ t no way I 'm getting my ass in the middle of this hefty female free-for-all . ''
Finally , three firefighters arrived and proceeded to hose all three of the fighting customers down with their fire hose .
The three women were all arrested , and the toilet paper was taken to the manager ’ s office as evidence .
Just another fun day at @ @ @

SAGINAW, Michigan – Police were called to a local Walmart, after reports that three quite hefty women started fighting over a package of Charmin Toilet Paper.
Store manager, Conzuelo Buckingbaum, 42, said that she was walking by the toilet paper aisle, on her way to the restroom, when she saw one woman pick up the last package of Charmin toilet paper.
As she put the package in her shopping cart, another female customer reached in and took it out.
Buckingbaum told her to return the toilet paper, but the lady ignored her. Just then, another lady who was wearing a cotton romper that looked to be three sizes too small, lunged at the lady holding the toilet paper.
Buckingbaum said that, at that point, all hell broke loose. One of the women grabbed another one in a headlock, while the third shopper hit her over the head with a three-pound brisket.
The woman screamed like a crazed banshee, and proceeded to bite the shopper who had her in a headlock, on her left knocker, which had, by now, flopped out of her MAGA halter top.
A security guard, who was standing nearby, could be heard whispering, “No, sir, there ain’t no way I'm getting my ass in the middle of this hefty female free-for-all."
Finally, three firefighters arrived and proceeded to hose all three of the fighting customers down with their fire hose. The three women were all arrested, and the toilet paper was taken to the manager’s office as evidence.
Just another fun day at Wally World!


thespoof--2020-03-17--A Recent California Poll Totally Infuriates President Trump

RANCHO CUCAMONGA , California – The highly respected Left Coast Monumental Polling Council has just released the results of its most recent extensive state-wide poll .
A total of 1,903,521 registered California voters were polled and asked if President Trump should forcibly be removed from office and committed to a mental institution .
The results revealed that 91 out of every 100 participants stated that `` yes , the man needs to be committed pronto '' , ( as they say in East Los Angeles ) .
One of the voters , Alejandro Tampico , a resident of Azusa , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ R ’ Us Shop , and said that his biggest-selling piñata is the Donald Trump piñata .
He noted that he can not keep enough on hand .
He smiled , and said that people just get a tremendous thrill and a deep sense of satisfaction out of being able to smack the living daylights out of a Trump piñata .
He remarked that he has shipped Donald Trump piñatas to over 47 countries throughout the world , including Liechtenstein , Slovakia , and Luxembourg , who , he said , purchased more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ countries combined ( 7,801 ) .
Tampico commented that he has a second cousin who , he says , hates Trump so much , that he had a tattoo put on his lower back that reads : Trump Is Putin ’ s Bitch .
SIDENOTE : An unnamed White House source stated that when Trump found out about the poll results , he became so angry , that he picked up a family box of Chicken McNuggets , and threw the contents all over the floor of his Oval Office .

RANCHO CUCAMONGA, California – The highly respected Left Coast Monumental Polling Council has just released the results of its most recent extensive state-wide poll.
A total of 1,903,521 registered California voters were polled and asked if President Trump should forcibly be removed from office and committed to a mental institution.
The results revealed that 91 out of every 100 participants stated that "yes, the man needs to be committed pronto", (as they say in East Los Angeles).
One of the voters, Alejandro Tampico, a resident of Azusa, commented that he owns The Piñatas ‘R’ Us Shop, and said that his biggest-selling piñata is the Donald Trump piñata. He noted that he cannot keep enough on hand.
He smiled, and said that people just get a tremendous thrill and a deep sense of satisfaction out of being able to smack the living daylights out of a Trump piñata.
He remarked that he has shipped Donald Trump piñatas to over 47 countries throughout the world, including Liechtenstein, Slovakia, and Luxembourg, who, he said, purchased more DJT piñatas that all of the other countries combined (7,801).
Tampico commented that he has a second cousin who, he says, hates Trump so much, that he had a tattoo put on his lower back that reads: Trump Is Putin’s Bitch.
SIDENOTE: An unnamed White House source stated that when Trump found out about the poll results, he became so angry, that he picked up a family box of Chicken McNuggets, and threw the contents all over the floor of his Oval Office.


thespoof--2020-03-16--AOC self-quarantined after coronavirus-induced brain farts shut down Congress

The events unfolded quite dramatically .
Here are our updates : The story above is a satire or parody .
@ @ @ @ @ Do you dream of being a comedy news writer ?
Click here to be a @ @

The events unfolded quite dramatically. Here are our updates:
The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.
Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!


thespoof--2020-03-17--Colorado To Ship 3 Tons of Marijuana To California

DENVER – The governor of Colorado has agreed to ship up to three tons of top grade cannabis to California .
Due to the lack of rain , the Left Coast state has not produced as much pot as needed to meet the ever-increasing demand .
California state law enforcement officers are reporting that some young adults in Coachella ( Calif. ) are starting to smoke cigarettes made from the leaves of palm trees .
One 24-year-old girl ended up having to go to the emergency room , when she tried to make a joint from a desert cactus .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ a tremendous supply of their home-grown Durango Bango , and he will be making the marijuana shipment just as soon as the 18-wheelers can be loaded .
He noted that , in exchange for the Colorado pot , the state of California will be shipping to Colorado 40,000 cases of their choice Junipero Serra Avocados , which are considered to be the best avocados in the entire world .
IN CLOSING - Hickenlooper added that the majority of the pot will be going to Beverly Hills , where it will certainly sell like @ @ @

DENVER – The governor of Colorado has agreed to ship up to three tons of top grade cannabis to California.
Due to the lack of rain, the Left Coast state has not produced as much pot as needed to meet the ever-increasing demand.
California state law enforcement officers are reporting that some young adults in Coachella (Calif.) are starting to smoke cigarettes made from the leaves of palm trees.
One 24-year-old girl ended up having to go to the emergency room, when she tried to make a joint from a desert cactus.
Governor Hickenlooper said that his state had a tremendous supply of their home-grown Durango Bango, and he will be making the marijuana shipment just as soon as the 18-wheelers can be loaded.
He noted that, in exchange for the Colorado pot, the state of California will be shipping to Colorado 40,000 cases of their choice Junipero Serra Avocados, which are considered to be the best avocados in the entire world.
IN CLOSING - Hickenlooper added that the majority of the pot will be going to Beverly Hills, where it will certainly sell like hot cakes.


thespoof--2020-03-18--Coronavirus Can Now Mutate Into Donald Trump Lookalike

The World Health Organization , WHO , has made an alarming discovery concerning COVID 19 .
It appears the virus can now change the appearance of infected people , so that they mutate into Donald Trump lookalikes .
Not only do they become Donald Trump clones , they also possess the mannerisms and intelligence of Donald Trump .
“ This is very disturbing , ” lamented WHO scientist , Jerry Alarmed .
“ We have never seen anything like this in the history of virology .
We are looking at something unprecedented .
Just imagine if this spreads - the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 60 points or more.
” “ I ’ m warning everyone to keep an eye on your I-phones , because these duplicates won ’ t hesitate to pick them up and start texting with them .
Whatever you do , don ’ t mention the word 'golf ' to them.
” As it turns out , the president of Brazil met with President Trump at the White House after he mutated from the virus , and from all aspects , the meeting went extremely well .
“ The meeting between Balsonaro and I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at a White House press conference .
“ He is such a handsome guy .
He is a high-intelligence guy , really smart .
His golf IQ was off the charts .
I must admit , he is nearly as smart as I am .
He is an expert on almost as many things that I am an expert on , and believe me , I ’ m an expert on everything .
He told me not to worry about the coronavirus .
He stated it is doing more good than bad .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ because it will only help the world .
I agree with him .
Now that we don ’ t have to worry about COVID 21 , or 20 , or 25 , or whatever it is , we can get back to having Wall Street go upward and away back into the bull market.
” Unfortunately for news organizations such as CNN , this hasn ’ t gone over well .
As more people become infected with the virus , the more likely they will label CNN and comparable news sources as “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time , 50,000 mutated Donald Trumps joined him at Mar-a-Lago for a twitter spree and a golf outing .

The World Health Organization, WHO, has made an alarming discovery concerning COVID 19. It appears the virus can now change the appearance of infected people, so that they mutate into Donald Trump lookalikes. Not only do they become Donald Trump clones, they also possess the mannerisms and intelligence of Donald Trump.
“This is very disturbing,” lamented WHO scientist, Jerry Alarmed. “We have never seen anything like this in the history of virology. We are looking at something unprecedented. Just imagine if this spreads - the world's IQ will go down by 60 points or more.”
“I’m warning everyone to keep an eye on your I-phones, because these duplicates won’t hesitate to pick them up and start texting with them. Whatever you do, don’t mention the word 'golf' to them.”
As it turns out, the president of Brazil met with President Trump at the White House after he mutated from the virus, and from all aspects, the meeting went extremely well.
“The meeting between Balsonaro and I went extremely well,” stated Trump at a White House press conference. “He is such a handsome guy. He is a high-intelligence guy, really smart. His golf IQ was off the charts. I must admit, he is nearly as smart as I am. He is an expert on almost as many things that I am an expert on, and believe me, I’m an expert on everything. He told me not to worry about the coronavirus. He stated it is doing more good than bad. He hopes everyone gets the virus, because it will only help the world. I agree with him. Now that we don’t have to worry about COVID 21, or 20, or 25, or whatever it is, we can get back to having Wall Street go upward and away back into the bull market.”
Unfortunately for news organizations such as CNN, this hasn’t gone over well. As more people become infected with the virus, the more likely they will label CNN and comparable news sources as “fake news”.
As of press time, 50,000 mutated Donald Trumps joined him at Mar-a-Lago for a twitter spree and a golf outing.


thespoof--2020-03-18--Nashville Man Secretly Suspects Friend of Having COVID-19

After his longtime pal Lance Wilson , unexpectedly bailed on their weekly poker game , and , several days later , was heard coughing , Ned Hanson of Nashville , Tennessee , put two and two together , and came up with ... coronavirus .
“ I ’ m not one to judge , '' said Hanson , `` but the writing 's on the wall - and I can read : COVID-19 . ''
Not wanting to humiliate his buddy , however , Hanson has decided not to press the issue with Wilson - for now .
`` He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' said Hanson .
`` I 'm here for him whenever that happens . ''
Hanson emphasized that his admiration and respect for Wilson has skyrocketed as a result of how his 34-year-old buddy has handled the COVID-19 crisis .
`` Not only has he not complained , but he even willingly missed our weekly card game - where he just about always cleans up - just to avoid infecting his pals , '' said Hanson .
`` Now , that 's true friendship .
I only hope that if I get coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ honorably . ''
Hanson noted that he ’ d emailed Wilson offering to drop off groceries and cleaning supplies on his doorstep .
“ I was also going to ask if he wanted me to try to scope out some surgeons ’ masks , in case he ever wanted to go out in public , but I didn ’ t want to give away that I 'd caught on to what was going on with him , '' said Hanson .
`` What I may do , is just have a couple anonymously @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Hanson says that this experience of having a close friend possibly suffering from COVID-19 has given him a new perspective on life in general .
“ It ’ s really brought home to me the transience of our existence , and also the power of friendship , ” he said .
Hanson went on to express his hope that , with proper rest , self-care , and , if necessary , medical treatment , Wilson will , at some point , be able to return to their weekly poker game .
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' he said .
`` If anyone can kick this thing , it 's Lance . ''

After his longtime pal Lance Wilson, unexpectedly bailed on their weekly poker game, and, several days later, was heard coughing, Ned Hanson of Nashville, Tennessee, put two and two together, and came up with ... coronavirus.
“I’m not one to judge," said Hanson, "but the writing's on the wall - and I can read: COVID-19."
Not wanting to humiliate his buddy, however, Hanson has decided not to press the issue with Wilson - for now. "He'll talk when he's ready," said Hanson. "I'm here for him whenever that happens."
Hanson emphasized that his admiration and respect for Wilson has skyrocketed as a result of how his 34-year-old buddy has handled the COVID-19 crisis. "Not only has he not complained, but he even willingly missed our weekly card game - where he just about always cleans up - just to avoid infecting his pals," said Hanson. "Now, that's true friendship. I only hope that if I get coronavirus, I conduct myself even half as honorably."
Hanson noted that he’d emailed Wilson offering to drop off groceries and cleaning supplies on his doorstep. “I was also going to ask if he wanted me to try to scope out some surgeons’ masks, in case he ever wanted to go out in public, but I didn’t want to give away that I'd caught on to what was going on with him," said Hanson. "What I may do, is just have a couple anonymously delivered to his house.”
All told, Hanson says that this experience of having a close friend possibly suffering from COVID-19 has given him a new perspective on life in general. “It’s really brought home to me the transience of our existence, and also the power of friendship,” he said.
Hanson went on to express his hope that, with proper rest, self-care, and, if necessary, medical treatment, Wilson will, at some point, be able to return to their weekly poker game. "I truly believe it can happen," he said. "If anyone can kick this thing, it's Lance."


thespoof--2020-03-18--People Are Already Lining Up Outside The White House To Get Their $1,000 Coronavirus Checks

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The director of National Financial Subsidy Payments has said that the government is ready to start handing out the $ 1,000 CD-19 subsidy payments to every adult in the USA .
Hank Weathermaker stressed that the money will , at first , be given out on a 'first come , first served ' basis , and then , after six days or so , those who did not receive their government gift will have the money mailed to their home , apartment , or trailer .
Weathermaker was asked if the monetary gift will be in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ replied , “ No , the president and Ivanka decided that the generous gift will be in cash.
” He quickly pointed out that , this way , nobody will have to worry about going to the bank and having to show a driver 's license or a Visa Card in order to cash their check .
One person who was standing in line was heard to say , “ Alright !
Now I don ’ t have to go into my savings to get money for my drinking problem , I mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ individual remarked , “ Thank goodness , I ’ ll now be able to pay off my gambling debt , and not have to worry about getting my legs broken by a member of the Goombalini family .
`` * Mr. Weathermaker was asked if Republicans who are millionaires and billionaires are also going to be receiving the $ 1,000 in cash .
He grinned , and said , “ That would be a 'yes ' .
Everyone will get the cash money - even Michael Bloomberg and Oprah Winfrey.
” A reporter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Even Trump ?
” And he replied , “ Yes , in fact Donald , Melania , Ivanka , and Kellyanne Conway were the first four U.S. citizens to get the $ 1,000 stimulus cash allotment . ''
*The Salvatore Goombalini Crime Family , based in Brooklyn , New York , is one of the most notorious crime families in the nation .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The director of National Financial Subsidy Payments has said that the government is ready to start handing out the $1,000 CD-19 subsidy payments to every adult in the USA.
Hank Weathermaker stressed that the money will, at first, be given out on a 'first come, first served' basis, and then, after six days or so, those who did not receive their government gift will have the money mailed to their home, apartment, or trailer.
Weathermaker was asked if the monetary gift will be in the form of a check. He replied, “No, the president and Ivanka decided that the generous gift will be in cash.”
He quickly pointed out that, this way, nobody will have to worry about going to the bank and having to show a driver's license or a Visa Card in order to cash their check.
One person who was standing in line was heard to say, “Alright! Now I don’t have to go into my savings to get money for my drinking problem, I mean habit, my drinking habit.”
Another individual remarked, “Thank goodness, I’ll now be able to pay off my gambling debt, and not have to worry about getting my legs broken by a member of the Goombalini family."*
Mr. Weathermaker was asked if Republicans who are millionaires and billionaires are also going to be receiving the $1,000 in cash.
He grinned, and said, “That would be a 'yes'. Everyone will get the cash money - even Michael Bloomberg and Oprah Winfrey.”
A reporter with the Baltimore Implier-Journal asked, “Even Trump?” And he replied, “Yes, in fact Donald, Melania, Ivanka, and Kellyanne Conway were the first four U.S. citizens to get the $1,000 stimulus cash allotment."
*The Salvatore Goombalini Crime Family, based in Brooklyn, New York, is one of the most notorious crime families in the nation.


thespoof--2020-03-19--Nashville Man Disappointed Census Failed to Ask His Opinion of Government

Looking forward to having his voice heard , Josh O ’ Brien of Nashville , Tennessee , was disappointed when his 2020 census form failed to ask for his opinion of the government or of society in general .
“ I had a lot of feedback that I really think could have been really helpful to the government , ” said O ’ Brien .
“ Admittedly , not all of it positive , but constructive , for sure .
I don ’ t understand why they didn ’ t ask for ideas about effecting overall societal change.
” Instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ questions rather superficial .
“ Race , gender , age – I mean , haven ’ t we gotten beyond that surface-level stuff in this day and age ?
” He chuckled , and shook his head at his own question .
“ Apparently not – in fact , that was one of the very points I ’ d been planning to make.
” Given the census ’ s lack of interest , O ’ Brien intends to summarize the information he ’ d planned to include in his census responses – his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and the World a Better Place ” - and send it to Nashville Mayor John Cooper .
“ The fact that the federal government isn ’ t interested , doesn ’ t give us an excuse not to engage , ” he said .
“ Be the change , is my motto .
And I ’ m making a point of changing every darn day .
”

Looking forward to having his voice heard, Josh O’Brien of Nashville, Tennessee, was disappointed when his 2020 census form failed to ask for his opinion of the government or of society in general.
“I had a lot of feedback that I really think could have been really helpful to the government,” said O’Brien. “Admittedly, not all of it positive, but constructive, for sure. I don’t understand why they didn’t ask for ideas about effecting overall societal change.”
Instead, O’Brien found the census questions rather superficial. “Race, gender, age – I mean, haven’t we gotten beyond that surface-level stuff in this day and age?”
He chuckled, and shook his head at his own question. “Apparently not – in fact, that was one of the very points I’d been planning to make.”
Given the census’s lack of interest, O’Brien intends to summarize the information he’d planned to include in his census responses – his “Top Ten Tips for Making Nashville and the World a Better Place” - and send it to Nashville Mayor John Cooper.
“The fact that the federal government isn’t interested, doesn’t give us an excuse not to engage,” he said. “Be the change, is my motto. And I’m making a point of changing every darn day.”


thespoof--2020-03-19--Man On Downtown New York Street Corner Asked If He's Got Any Toilet Paper

At one time , the men standing on street corners in downtown New York City were there for one reason : the sale of illegal substances to get you through until the next day .
All that seems to have changed at the moment , after one man , in Brooklyn , minding his own business trying to ply his illicit trade , was approached by four men in a vehicle who asked him if he had any toilet paper .
`` I was like , taken aback , y'know ?
Sorta , 'creeped out ' , if that makes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , 'Larry ' .
`` I have any , but I ! ''
Similar incidents have been reported all over New York , and other big cities , and a new 'black market ' seems to have sprung up overnight .
`` As well as toilet paper , people also seem to want hand-sanitizer and mouthwash , '' I was told , in Queens .
Other 'red hot essentials ' include soap and toothpaste .
A man , who gave his name as 'Archie ' , said : '' Normally , I 'm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the last few days , I 've been approached for hair gel , underarm spray , potatoes , turnips and lip balm .
It 's a crazy situation ! ''

At one time, the men standing on street corners in downtown New York City were there for one reason: the sale of illegal substances to get you through until the next day.
All that seems to have changed at the moment, after one man, in Brooklyn, minding his own business trying to ply his illicit trade, was approached by four men in a vehicle who asked him if he had any toilet paper.
"I was like, taken aback, y'know? Sorta, 'creeped out', if that makes any sense," said the man, 'Larry'. "I didn't have any, but I do now !"
Similar incidents have been reported all over New York, and other big cities, and a new 'black market' seems to have sprung up overnight.
"As well as toilet paper, people also seem to want hand-sanitizer and mouthwash," I was told, in Queens.
Other 'red hot essentials' include soap and toothpaste. A man, who gave his name as 'Archie', said:
"Normally, I'm your 'Crack man', but, in the last few days, I've been approached for hair gel, underarm spray, potatoes, turnips and lip balm. It's a crazy situation!"