thespoof--2020-03-19--Free Coronavirus Test Kits Available To All

The shockwaves over the lack of sufficient Coronavirus testing facilities and kits was swept aside earlier by the latest up-to-date medical advice and the news that a test kit for every person living in the US is available , here and now - completely free of charge !
The kits are the brainchild of US president , Donald Trump .
Why did everything go quiet ?
Covid-19 threatens to wipe out a large swathe of Americans across the continent , but the panic surrounding it , and the distinct lack of knowledge of it , is threatening members of society @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and a breakdown in law and order are , potentially , bigger killers .
To regain some stability , then , President Trump has revealed details of the 'test kits ' , which come in the form of a written TV address : '' Build a huge food supply in your house , roofspace , and basement .
Stay in your home !
Answer the door to nobody !
Do not go outside for fresh air - open a window for 5 minutes .
Remain in your home for 14 days .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , you probably have the virus .
If not , you probably do n't .
This is the end of the Coronavirus Free Test Kit .
The 'test kits ' are sure to help , and to settle the minds of hundreds of thousands of hypochondriacs , whilst normal folks will just get on with things as normal .

The shockwaves over the lack of sufficient Coronavirus testing facilities and kits was swept aside earlier by the latest up-to-date medical advice and the news that a test kit for every person living in the US is available, here and now - completely free of charge!
The kits are the brainchild of US president, Donald Trump.
Why did everything go quiet?
Covid-19 threatens to wipe out a large swathe of Americans across the continent, but the panic surrounding it, and the distinct lack of knowledge of it, is threatening all members of society - sick or not.
Food shortages, and a breakdown in law and order are, potentially, bigger killers.
To regain some stability, then, President Trump has revealed details of the 'test kits', which come in the form of a written TV address:
"Build a huge food supply in your house, roofspace, and basement.
Stay in your home!
Answer the door to nobody!
Do not go outside for fresh air - open a window for 5 minutes.
Remain in your home for 14 days.
If you get sick within that time, you probably have the virus.
If not, you probably don't.
This is the end of the Coronavirus Free Test Kit.
Good luck.
God bless America!
President Donald J. Trump"
The 'test kits' are sure to help, and to settle the minds of hundreds of thousands of hypochondriacs, whilst normal folks will just get on with things as normal.


thespoof--2020-03-19--Joe Biden’s Latest Three Big Primary Victories Could Mean It’s ‘Adios’ Time For Bernie Sanders

DOVER , Delaware – Joe Biden and his wife Jill were both smiling from ear-to-ear after seeing on television that he had scored a tremendous knock-out in Super Tuesday ’ s Democratic Primary .
Biden won in three huge states , Florida , Illinois , and Arizona .
Jill kept kissing her hubby , and telling him that `` you are the man , you are the man '' .
Joe finally grabbed her , and planted a great big 'blue collar ' kiss on his blonde woman ’ s lips .
When asked if he thought that Bernie Sanders @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smiled , and said that that was n't for him to say .
He paused , and then remarked , “ But come on , man .
Let ’ s get serious here , why should the Bernster prolong the inevitable.
” The former vice-president then pointed out , “ I mean , the old dude is 78 years old , and that ’ s like 215 in Galapagos turtle years.
” Meanwhile , tens of millions of Democrats are asking for Bernie to quit before his crotch rash flares up again .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ truly felt that Bernie ’ s failure to fix his comb-over may have cost him thousands of votes in hair-conscious Florida .

DOVER, Delaware – Joe Biden and his wife Jill were both smiling from ear-to-ear after seeing on television that he had scored a tremendous knock-out in Super Tuesday’s Democratic Primary.
Biden won in three huge states, Florida, Illinois, and Arizona.
Jill kept kissing her hubby, and telling him that "you are the man, you are the man". Joe finally grabbed her, and planted a great big 'blue collar' kiss on his blonde woman’s lips.
When asked if he thought that Bernie Sanders should throw in the towel, Biden smiled, and said that that wasn't for him to say. He paused, and then remarked, “But come on, man. Let’s get serious here, why should the Bernster prolong the inevitable.”
The former vice-president then pointed out, “I mean, the old dude is 78 years old, and that’s like 215 in Galapagos turtle years.”
Meanwhile, tens of millions of Democrats are asking for Bernie to quit before his crotch rash flares up again.
One long-time Sanders supporter commented that she truly felt that Bernie’s failure to fix his comb-over may have cost him thousands of votes in hair-conscious Florida.


thespoof--2020-03-19--Ivanka Trump Confesses Her Marriage is on The Rocks

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Close friends of first daughter , Ivanka Trump , have said that , lately , she has not been her normal , bubbly , blonde self .
One very close friend who has known her since they were both in the second grade , said that Ivanka is always pulling little pranks like putting salt in someone ’ s coffee or saying that she is going to become an atheist .
Carolina Chipotle with Bedroom Pillow Talk sat down with Ivanka and interviewed her at a local Chick-fil-A .
Right off the bat , Ivanka was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
She smiled , and said , “ Well , I don ’ t know anything about paradise , but there is trouble in my marriage.
” She fiddled with her hair as she said , “ And , truth be told , Jared ( Kushner ) is not the sexiest husband in the world , or even in our neighborhood , for that matter.
” She pointed out that his idea of affection is having her paint his toenails .
She laughed , and said that she had had more sensuously sexy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if she planned to file for a divorce , she was quick to answer .
“ Oh no , my daddy , our president , told me , in no uncertain terms , that he does not want me to divorce ‘ Cuddles ’ , as Jared has me call him.
” She again fiddled with her hair , and said , “ Daddykins is afraid that if I get divorced , I will have every Tom , Dick , and Harry from Seattle , Washington , to Bangor , Maine trying to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my pants.
” SIDENOTE : When told about Ivanka possibly divorcing him , Jared Kushner said , “ Hey , look , the ditsy blonde is very high maintenance .
I guarantee you that no other guy would ever put up with her BS .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Close friends of first daughter, Ivanka Trump, have said that, lately, she has not been her normal, bubbly, blonde self.
One very close friend who has known her since they were both in the second grade, said that Ivanka is always pulling little pranks like putting salt in someone’s coffee or saying that she is going to become an atheist.
Carolina Chipotle with Bedroom Pillow Talk sat down with Ivanka and interviewed her at a local Chick-fil-A.
Right off the bat, Ivanka was asked if there was trouble in paradise. She smiled, and said, “Well, I don’t know anything about paradise, but there is trouble in my marriage.”
She fiddled with her hair as she said, “And, truth be told, Jared (Kushner) is not the sexiest husband in the world, or even in our neighborhood, for that matter.”
She pointed out that his idea of affection is having her paint his toenails. She laughed, and said that she had had more sensuously sexy feelings from uncontrolled coughs.
When asked if she planned to file for a divorce, she was quick to answer. “Oh no, my daddy, our president, told me, in no uncertain terms, that he does not want me to divorce ‘Cuddles’, as Jared has me call him.”
She again fiddled with her hair, and said, “Daddykins is afraid that if I get divorced, I will have every Tom, Dick, and Harry from Seattle, Washington, to Bangor, Maine trying to, excuse my French, get in my pants.”
SIDENOTE: When told about Ivanka possibly divorcing him, Jared Kushner said, “Hey, look, the ditsy blonde is very high maintenance. I guarantee you that no other guy would ever put up with her BS.”


thespoof--2020-03-18--Trump’s COVID-19 Test Came Back Positive For Stupidity

WASHINGTON , D.C. – An unnamed White House source who saw the test results , said that President Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ positive for stupidity .
The source said that , on a range of 1 to @ @ @ @ @ as stupid as a porcupine chasing its own tail , POTUS scored a 76 , @ @ @ @ @ for stupidity .
The source also noted that the test showed that Trump does not @ @ @ @ @ and , furthermore , it revealed that he has never had any bone spurs .
@ @ @ @ @ marked 'highly confidential ' , the source was able to obtain them because she has @ @ @ @ @ House including the sitting room where the test results folder was sitting .
IN A @ @ @ @ @ is insisting that the explicit photos of him and Kathy Griffin are 99.9 % fake @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – An unnamed White House source who saw the test results, said that President Trump’s C-19 test came back positive for stupidity.
The source said that, on a range of 1 to 90, with 90 being as stupid as a porcupine chasing its own tail, POTUS scored a 76, well within the accepted guidelines for stupidity.
The source also noted that the test showed that Trump does not have any bone spurs, and, furthermore, it revealed that he has never had any bone spurs.
Although the test results were marked 'highly confidential', the source was able to obtain them because she has access to the entire White House including the sitting room where the test results folder was sitting.
IN A NON-RELATED STORY - Sean Hannity is insisting that the explicit photos of him and Kathy Griffin are 99.9% fake.


thespoof--2020-03-18--The U.S. Airlines Are Now Asking The American Taxpayers To Give Them a C-19 Bailout Package

CHICAGO – Every airline in America is starting to really get extremely concerned with the fact that ticket sales have dropped by 71 % .
And , right away , they are crying to Uncle Sam ( aka Donald Trump ) and asking him for a Coronavirus Aid Package Bailout of $ 50.8 billion .
These are the same airlines that decided to charge passengers 35 cents for a packet of almonds , 75 cents for two Oreo Cookies , and 19 cents for a drinking straw .
One frequent flyer said that airline CEO ’ s , who make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ take a pay cut , and give up their $ 400-a-day meal allowance .
He also pointed out that the airlines need to start buying a cheaper brand of airplane tire , instead of the unbelievably expensive ones that they are now purchasing from a tire company in Bolivia .
A jet mechanic with one of the leading airlines , said that the airline even installed pay restrooms in the employees locker rooms that employees have to pay $ 13 to use .
An airline worker , who repairs the microphones that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ Who will be next to ask for a bailout scam subsidy , the taxi companies , the sports teams , or , perhaps , the Las Vegas brothels ?
” IN CLOSING – Trump has hinted that he may be asking Switzerland for a loan .

CHICAGO – Every airline in America is starting to really get extremely concerned with the fact that ticket sales have dropped by 71%.
And, right away, they are crying to Uncle Sam (aka Donald Trump) and asking him for a Coronavirus Aid Package Bailout of $50.8 billion.
These are the same airlines that decided to charge passengers 35 cents for a packet of almonds, 75 cents for two Oreo Cookies, and 19 cents for a drinking straw.
One frequent flyer said that airline CEO’s, who make millions of dollars a year, should take a pay cut, and give up their $400-a-day meal allowance.
He also pointed out that the airlines need to start buying a cheaper brand of airplane tire, instead of the unbelievably expensive ones that they are now purchasing from a tire company in Bolivia.
A jet mechanic with one of the leading airlines, said that the airline even installed pay restrooms in the employees locker rooms that employees have to pay $13 to use.
An airline worker, who repairs the microphones that the flight attendants use, wondered out loud, “Who will be next to ask for a bailout scam subsidy, the taxi companies, the sports teams, or, perhaps, the Las Vegas brothels?”
IN CLOSING – Trump has hinted that he may be asking Switzerland for a loan.


thespoof--2020-03-20--Toilet Paper? Now We Understand Why Iraqis Fled Kuwait With It

Los Angeles , CA .
Andre Cooperson reporting for SIN - Spoof International News .
Grocery store shelves that normally @ @ @ @ @ paper , have been bare in supermarkets here , since the scope of the Covid-19 @ @ @ @ @ California earlier this month .
No one here ever before hoarded bathroom tissue , as @ @ @ @ @ refer to ass wipe , but it is the primary item missing in most markets @ @ @ @ @ covered the first Gulf War for Spoof in 1991 when the U.S. drove Iraqi invaders @ @ @ @ @ that we all giggled when it was revealed that numerous Iraqi cars and trucks , @ @ @ @ @ raid on the fleeing Iraqis , were full of toilet paper .
What a silly @ @ @ @ @ refugee , we thought .
But if you are preparing for an invasion or a @ @ @ @ @ a deadly virus , any Southern Californian can today tell you those Iraqis made a @ @ @ @ @ take with them .

Los Angeles, CA. Andre Cooperson reporting for SIN - Spoof International News. Grocery store shelves that normally stock large quantities of toilet paper, have been bare in supermarkets here, since the scope of the Covid-19 coronavirus became apparent in Southern California earlier this month. No one here ever before hoarded bathroom tissue, as the more delicate among us refer to ass wipe, but it is the primary item missing in most markets.
Woof Blister, who covered the first Gulf War for Spoof in 1991 when the U.S. drove Iraqi invaders out of Kuwait, recalls that we all giggled when it was revealed that numerous Iraqi cars and trucks, disabled in an American air raid on the fleeing Iraqis, were full of toilet paper. What a silly thing to take as a refugee, we thought. But if you are preparing for an invasion or a dislocation in distribution caused by a deadly virus, any Southern Californian can today tell you those Iraqis made a wise choice of what to take with them.


thespoof--2020-03-19--Trump The General In Charge Of Coronavirus

Someone must have finally lit a firecracker under Donald Trump in the White House .
All of a sudden , after three months of downplaying the coronavirus , Trump snapped to attention .
He 's taken on the mantle , describing himself as the General in battle , fighting against the coronavirus .
Phew !
That diet coke must be dynamite stuff !
Rumor has it that Jared Kushner , the son in law , told Trump to treat coronavirus as a PR problem .
Skip taking immediate action .
He also said it was a piece of fake news @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sleepy listening to Dopey , and there isn ’ t a Snow White around .
Hold it .
Not so fast .
Along came Nancy Pelosi with a multi-billion dollar package to fight coronavirus .
The woman seems to be the only thinking person in D.C. Why hasn ’ t Joe Biden mentioned Pelosi as his possible Vice President ?
Anyway , Trump insists on calling the virus the Chinese coronavirus .
Why ?
“ Because that ’ s where it came from.
” It seems a man from Wuhan , China , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ supposed to be a delicacy in China .
However , the bat didn ’ t come from a bat farm , where bats are raised for human consumption .
No .
This bat was a sick bat that the soup maker found dead on his doorstep or roadkill .
“ Dinner !
” So the whole world is suffering from a pandemic , is sick , will survive , or die .
And maybe people will have a recurrence of coronavirus , sort of like having the flu or a cold , every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , people will develop a natural immunity to coronavirus .
All of this pandemonium because of one sick bat in Wuhan , China ?
Anthrax is deadly , but is n't contagious .
Coronavirus seems to have spread and killed like radiation or sarin gas .
That bat is an everlasting Chernobyl .
Has it reached the International Space Station ?
How long will the space station remain a safe zone ?
Navy hospital ships should arrive at their destinations sometime next year , along with ventilators and face masks .
It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the General 's in charge .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Someone must have finally lit a firecracker under Donald Trump. All of a sudden, after three months of downplaying the seriousness of the coronavirus, Trump snapped to attention. He's taken on the mantle, describing himself as the General in battle, fighting against the coronavirus.
Phew! That diet coke must be dynamite stuff!
Rumor has it that Jared Kushner, the son in law, told Trump to treat coronavirus as a PR problem. Skip taking immediate action. He also said it was a piece of fake news promoted by Democrats.
Okay.
It’s like Sleepy listening to Dopey, and there isn’t a Snow White around.
Hold it. Not so fast. Along came Nancy Pelosi with a multi-billion dollar package to fight coronavirus. The woman seems to be the only thinking person in D.C. Why hasn’t Joe Biden mentioned Pelosi as his possible Vice President?
Anyway, Trump insisted on calling the virus the Chinese coronavirus.
Why? “Because that’s where it came from.”
Right.
It seems a man from Wuhan, China, cooked and ate bat soup which is supposed to be a delicacy in China. However, the bat didn’t come from a bat farm, where bats are raised for human consumption. No. This bat was a sick bat that the soup maker found dead on his doorstep or roadkill. “Dinner!”
So the whole world is suffering from a pandemic, is sick, will survive, or die. And maybe people will have a recurrence of coronavirus, sort of like having the flu or a cold, every other year or so. And maybe, people will develop a natural immunity to coronavirus. Who knows?
All of this pandemonium because of one sick bat in Wuhan, China?
Anthrax is deadly but isn't contagious. Coronavirus seems to have spread and killed like radiation or sarin gas. That bat is an everlasting Chernobyl. Has it reached the International Space Station? How long will the space station remain a safe zone?
Navy hospital ships should arrive at their destinations sometime next year, along with ventilators and face masks. It’s a life or death situation and the Generals in charge.
Keep your fingers crossed.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-03-20--Slacker Struggles to Pretend COVID-19 Has Negatively Affected Him

In the midst of the financial downturn as a result of the COVID-19 epidemic , Sam Josephson of Brooklyn , New York , who admitted to being somewhat of a `` slacker , '' has struggled to maintain the façade that the coronavirus crisis has negatively affected him .
“ I had a part-time gig , but that ended long before the coronavirus stuff really hit the fan , ” said Sam .
“ So I was already at loose ends before all this happened.
” Sam explained that , as a result of his unemployment , he ’ d @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in his pajamas and watching tons of Netflix .
“ I feel bad for people who are having a tough time adjusting to not having any structure due to COVID-19 , ” he said .
“ I had the advantage of getting pretty comfortable with that a long time ago.
” And , while Sam , like many Americans , is not currently generating any income , he ’ s not actually making any less than he was before the COVID-19 pandemic .
“ The one good thing about my income , is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ consistent , ” he quipped .
Nevertheless , Sam says that he empathizes tremendously with Americans who are unemployed , underemployed , or otherwise struggling to make ends meet as a result of the coronavirus crisis .
“ We ’ re all in the same boat , ” he said .
“ I just happened to get in that boat a long time ago , before most everyone else.
” He chuckled .
“ Fortunately , it ’ s a big boat .
Plenty of room for everyone .
”

In the midst of the financial downturn as a result of the COVID-19 epidemic, Sam Josephson of Brooklyn, New York, who admitted to being somewhat of a "slacker," has struggled to maintain the façade that the coronavirus crisis has negatively affected him.
“I had a part-time gig, but that ended long before the coronavirus stuff really hit the fan,” said Sam. “So I was already at loose ends before all this happened.”
Sam explained that, as a result of his unemployment, he’d already gotten in the habit of living in his pajamas and watching tons of Netflix. “I feel bad for people who are having a tough time adjusting to not having any structure due to COVID-19,” he said. “I had the advantage of getting pretty comfortable with that a long time ago.”
And, while Sam, like many Americans, is not currently generating any income, he’s not actually making any less than he was before the COVID-19 pandemic. “The one good thing about my income, is that it’s generally been quite consistent,” he quipped.
"My girlfriend is feeling the pressure, though," he said. "She's got enough saved to pay our rent for a few months, but after that, we're out of luck. I'm doing my best to support her through this stressful time."
Sam says that he empathizes tremendously with Americans who are unemployed, underemployed, or otherwise struggling to make ends meet as a result of the coronavirus crisis. “We’re all in the same boat,” he said. “I just happened to get in that boat a long time ago, before most everyone else.” He chuckled. “Fortunately, it’s a big boat. Plenty of room for everyone.”


thespoof--2020-03-20--Florida Spring Breakers Told To Get off The Beaches or Risk Getting Shot

TALLAHASSEE – The governor of Florida says that he is fed up with all these young college kids running around his beaches half naked , and , in 17 % of the cases , totally naked .
He has warned all of the spring breakers to pack up their swimsuits , their Nikes , their beer bongs , and their marijuana , and go back to their home states .
The governor emphasized that failure to comply with his order could result in someone getting shot .
Many elderly long-time Florida beach residents say that they can ’ t even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of female breasts staring them in their face .
One resident , Roscoe Bookmeister , 91 , said that he loves sitting on his front porch across from the beach , staring at the young nubile topless college girls , and reminiscing about when he used to grab ‘ em by the blank , as Donald Trump has said he 's done .
IN CLOSING - Doctors told Mrs. Bookmeister that the huge bump on her husband ’ s head should go down in 3 to 4 days .
Meanwhile local police are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

TALLAHASSEE – The governor of Florida says that he is fed up with all these young college kids running around his beaches half naked, and, in 17% of the cases, totally naked.
He has warned all of the spring breakers to pack up their swimsuits, their Nikes, their beer bongs, and their marijuana, and go back to their home states.
The governor emphasized that failure to comply with his order could result in someone getting shot.
Many elderly long-time Florida beach residents say that they can’t even go outside without seeing dozens of pairs of female breasts staring them in their face.
One resident, Roscoe Bookmeister, 91, said that he loves sitting on his front porch across from the beach, staring at the young nubile topless college girls, and reminiscing about when he used to grab ‘em by the blank, as Donald Trump has said he's done.
IN CLOSING - Doctors told Mrs. Bookmeister that the huge bump on her husband’s head should go down in 3 to 4 days. Meanwhile local police are holding on to the shovel as evidence.


thespoof--2020-03-18--Extraordinary measure ordered: COVID-19 patients released to curb social gatherings

President Trump has urged young Americans to heed the advice to socially distance and avoid large crowds , but masses have flocked to beaches for spring break .
In an earlier statement about young people , Trump said that `` they 're feeling invincible , but they do n't realize that they could be carrying lots of bad things home to their grandmother and grandfather , and even their parents . ''
Shortly after Trump 's public call for youngsters to be socially responsible , it was business as usual on South Beach .
In an interview with one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would only provide her first name for fear of retribution , said she will continue to visit beaches in order to reach her desired level of skin tone .
`` Look , in order for me to be at my happiest , I need that perfect tan , and nothing will stop me from my critical springtime goal , '' Natasha said .
Clearly , pleas to the public can go only so far .
In a shocking move to curb the coronavirus pandemic , the Trump administration has just ordered that terminally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ spring break destinations across the country .
`` These are patients who have been given the highest quality of care , but , through no fault of their own , have a zero chance of survival , '' a Trump administration official told us .
In a pair of tweets , President Trump said : '' We love you , beachgoers , but we need to slow the spread !
AVOID THE SUNBURN and ENJOY YOUR LIVING ROOM ! ''
`` Unleashing these patients will not only discourage young people from partying at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for other COVID-19 patients who are in desperate need of life-saving care .
We need to SAFEGUARD the LIVES and HEALTH of OUR PEOPLE ! ''
In response to what some are calling the `` Return of the Near Dead '' , a Trump administration official said that extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures .
`` Come on , it 's not like these patients are going to chase you like zombies would !
Most of them are bedridden , and will be carefully wheeled out , and left out on beachfronts for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

President Trump has urged young Americans to heed the advice to socially distance and avoid large crowds, but masses have flocked to beaches for spring break. In an earlier statement about young people, Trump said that "they're feeling invincible, but they don't realize that they could be carrying lots of bad things home to their grandmother and grandfather, and even their parents."
Shortly after Trump's public call for youngsters to be socially responsible, it was business as usual on South Beach. In an interview with one of our reporters, a young person who would only provide her first name for fear of retribution, said she will continue to visit beaches in order to reach her desired level of skin tone. "Look, in order for me to be at my happiest, I need that perfect tan, and nothing will stop me from my critical springtime goal," Natasha said.
Clearly, pleas to the public can go only so far.
In a shocking move to curb the coronavirus pandemic, the Trump administration has just ordered that terminally ill COVID-19 patients be released to popular spring break destinations across the country. "These are patients who have been given the highest quality of care, but, through no fault of their own, have a zero chance of survival," a Trump administration official told us.
In a pair of tweets, President Trump said:
"We love you, beachgoers, but we need to slow the spread! AVOID THE SUNBURN and ENJOY YOUR LIVING ROOM!"
"Unleashing these patients will not only discourage young people from partying at beaches, it will also make room for other COVID-19 patients who are in desperate need of life-saving care. We need to SAFEGUARD the LIVES and HEALTH of OUR PEOPLE!"
In response to what some are calling the "Return of the Near Dead", a Trump administration official said that extraordinary times call for extraordinary measures. "Come on, it's not like these patients are going to chase you like zombies would! Most of them are bedridden, and will be carefully wheeled out, and left out on beachfronts for their last sunset," he said.


thespoof--2020-03-19--Melania Trump Reveals That Living With Her Husband Is Totally Stressing Her Out

WASHINGTON , D.C. - A White House insider has revealed that he overheard the first lady talking on her cell @ @ @ @ @ Mrs. Trump was heard saying that over the last month Donald has slept an average @ @ @ @ @ and sometimes only 25 minutes a night .
She says that she hears him get @ @ @ @ @ the White House kitchen and make himself as many as three peanut butter and jelly @ @ @ @ @ with an A & W Root Beer .
Melania even told her mother that he @ @ @ @ @ dress shirt and tie , his red MAGA cap , but with no pants .
@ @ @ @ @ mom that several of the White House maids are afraid that he might make a @ @ @ @ @ , as her husband calls her , said that if the stress gets worse she @ @ @ @ @ White House and find herself a small apartment nearby for her and their son Barron @ @ @ @ @ Woody .

WASHINGTON, D.C. - A White House insider has revealed that he overheard the first lady talking on her cell phone to her mother.
Mrs. Trump was heard saying that over the last month Donald has slept an average of 45 minutes a night and sometimes only 25 minutes a night.
She says that she hears him get up and go downstairs to the White House kitchen and make himself as many as three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches which he drinks down with an A&W Root Beer.
Melania even told her mother that he walks around in his white dress shirt and tie, his red MAGA cap, but with no pants. The first lady informed her mom that several of the White House maids are afraid that he might make a move on them.
Melly, as her husband calls her, said that if the stress gets worse she will move out of the White House and find herself a small apartment nearby for her and their son Barron and his pet woodchuck, Woody.


thespoof--2020-03-21--Nashville Man Relieved to Just Have Cancer

After experiencing coughing and fatigue , Clinton Toler of Nashville , Tennessee , found a clinic able to test him @ @ @ @ @ , to his immense relief , that he only had cancer .
“ I was @ @ @ @ @ ” he said , shaking his head , thankfully .
“ Just goes to show @ @ @ @ @ To his delight , Toler also learned that self-quarantine is not necessary for his type @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s a lot less contagious than coronavirus , which means I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ transmitting it to my parents or girlfriend , ” he said .
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ easier at meal times.
” Despite his negative diagnosis for COVID-19 , Toler said that @ @ @ @ @ taking common-sense measures like washing his hands before eating and after using the bathroom , @ @ @ @ @ .
“ No point taking unnecessary chances , ” he noted .
“ I dodged @ @ @ @ @ I may not be so lucky next time .
”

After experiencing coughing and fatigue, Clinton Toler of Nashville, Tennessee, found a clinic able to test him for COVID-19, but learned, to his immense relief, that he only had cancer.
“I was sure it was coronavirus,” he said, shaking his head thankfully. “Just goes to show the dangers of self-diagnosis.”
To his delight, Toler also learned that self-quarantine is not necessary for his type of cancer. “Apparently it’s a lot less contagious than coronavirus, which means I don’t have to worry about transmitting it to my parents or girlfriend,” he said. “It’ll also make things much easier at meal times.”
Despite his negative diagnosis for COVID-19, Toler said that he does plan to continue taking common-sense measures like washing his hands before eating and after using the bathroom, and not touching his face. “No point taking unnecessary chances,” he noted. “I dodged a bullet once, but I may not be so lucky next time.”


thespoof--2020-03-21--Idaho is the First State to Implement The Social Distancing Act

POCATELLO - The Idaho state legislature has just passed a law which will prohibit anyone from being within six feet of someone else .
The Idaho Social Distancing Act , which requires couples to stay six feet apart from each other , passed by a vote of 91-9 .
It will go into effect immediately .
One state senator noted that the law will not pertain to mothers who are nursing their babies , or to any elderly person over the age of 87 , who needs help running , eating , or urinating .
When asked by a reporter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the new law would be , he stated that the first offense will result in a $ 35 fine , and a hosing-down by firefighters for a full three minutes .
He then stated that a second offense will result in a fine of $ 965 , and the person having to wear a cardboard sandwich sign that reads “ I am one really hard-headed horse ’ s ass '' .
A third offense will result in the offender being incarcerated in an Idaho state prison for a period of not less than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he or she will be forced to view Donald Trump campaign rally speeches for six hours a day .

POCATELLO - The Idaho state legislature has just passed a law which will prohibit anyone from being within six feet of someone else.
The Idaho Social Distancing Act, which requires couples to stay six feet apart from each other, passed by a vote of 91-9 .
It will go into effect immediately. One state senator noted that the law will not pertain to mothers who are nursing their babies, or to any elderly person over the age of 87, who needs help running, eating, or urinating.
When asked by a reporter what the penalty for not complying with the new law would be, he stated that the first offense will result in a $35 fine, and a hosing-down by firefighters for a full three minutes.
He then stated that a second offense will result in a fine of $965, and the person having to wear a cardboard sandwich sign that reads “I am one really hard-headed horse’s ass".
A third offense will result in the offender being incarcerated in an Idaho state prison for a period of not less than 7 months, plus while incarcerated, he or she will be forced to view Donald Trump campaign rally speeches for six hours a day.


thespoof--2020-03-20--Trump Announces A Cure for COVID-19

Trump Announces A Cure for COVID-19

President Donald Trump announced , at a press conference at the White House , this morning , that a cure for COVID-19 has been concocted .
“ That is right , everybody , a vaccine has been developed by Corona Labs , a private vaccine producer .
It was my input to the lab which made all of this possible , ” stated an astute Donald Trump .
“ Now that we can cure everyone , we will go about getting Wall Street back into the bull market . ''
“ This is a good thing , because no longer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ distancing , and can go back to getting right in someone ’ s face when fighting over the last roll of toilet paper on the grocery store ’ s shelf .
Now you can touch your faces with impunity , and cough on everyone around you .
This is a really good happening . ''
When talking to Doctor Inoculate , we found out that the novel vaccine , which is named Heineken Vaccine , is comprised of elephant urine and bits and pieces of Playstation 5 .
They say people who get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ video games on all platforms .
When asking Dr. Inoculate how he got the elephant urine , he responded : “ First , we put out 50 gallon barrels of beer where the elephants roam .
Then , when they get drunk and discombobulated , we come up and take the urine as they are urinating .
The one drawback over this , is , when inebriated , the elephants start swallowing goldfish and doing the tide pod challenge . ''
As of press time , while the Heineken Vaccine cured COVID-19 , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the recipients into kleptomaniacs , which doesn ’ t bode well for the people looking for toilet paper .

President Donald Trump announced, at a press conference at the White House, this morning, that a cure for COVID-19 has been concocted.
“That is right, everybody, a vaccine has been developed by Corona Labs, a private vaccine producer. It was my input to the lab which made all of this possible,” stated an astute Donald Trump. “Now that we can cure everyone, we will go about getting Wall Street back into the bull market."
“This is a good thing, because no longer do Americans have to worry about social distancing, and can go back to getting right in someone’s face when fighting over the last roll of toilet paper on the grocery store’s shelf. Now you can touch your faces with impunity, and cough on everyone around you. This is a really good happening."
When talking to Doctor Inoculate, we found out that the novel vaccine, which is named Heineken Vaccine, is comprised of elephant urine and bits and pieces of Playstation 5. They say people who get the vaccine will be adept at playing video games on all platforms.
When asking Dr. Inoculate how he got the elephant urine, he responded: “First, we put out 50 gallon barrels of beer where the elephants roam. Then, when they get drunk and discombobulated, we come up and take the urine as they are urinating. The one drawback over this, is, when inebriated, the elephants start swallowing goldfish and doing the tide pod challenge."
As of press time, while the Heineken Vaccine cured COVID-19, a side effect is that it turned the recipients into kleptomaniacs, which doesn’t bode well for the people looking for toilet paper.


thespoof--2020-03-21--Miracle Prayer Cloths Linked to Covid-19 Outbreak

Tulsa Okla ; The evangelical mega-church Christ United Nations Tabernacle is at the center of an investigation lead by the CDC and the U.S. Customs Enforcement .
Pastor Lester Bullard hocks “ miracle prayer clothes ” which he claims he prays over at the request of viewers who mail in prayer requests .
These requests frequently contain a cash tithe of anywhere between $ 1 and $ 803 dollars .
Even if there is no tithe , the person still receives a prayer cloth , and all get a small forestworth of paper by way of junk mail .
These @ @ @ @ @ @ @ white microfiber ( normally used to clean cell phones or eye glasses ) .
The company which produces them are located - not in Bethlehem as is claimed , but in an area of China which has been heavily affected by the current viral outbreak .
Pastor Bullard swears he prays over each cloth until it is soaked in his tears and palm sweat .
He has so far tested negative for Covid-19 .
He stated that his strong spiritual faith kept him from getting sick .
He also claimed that the anti-Christian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get him .
‘ I ’ ve got 6 private jets , and multiple mansions in prime real estate areas .
You know why ?
I ’ m a faithful servant of the Lord , that ’ s why !
I am poor compared to Saudi royals and people like that puffy , pasty-faced , demon-screwing , rootless cosmopolitan , Soros !
They ’ re worshiped by the filthy false profits pretending to be news outlets !
You know why ?
The real money-men hate Jesus as much , if not more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ This world is facing a reckoning for one reason alone , and that ’ s ‘ cause Jesus ’ most humble servant is under attack !
I ’ m so sick of this mother fuckin ’ government IRS , DEA , FBI , bullshit !
!
!
The Lord ain ’ t takin ’ this one lyin ’ down I ’ ll tell ya that !
”

Tulsa Okla; The evangelical mega-church Christ United Nations Tabernacle is at the center of an investigation lead by the CDC and the U.S. Customs Enforcement.
Pastor Lester Bullard hocks “miracle prayer clothes” which he claims he prays over at the request of viewers who mail in prayer requests. These requests frequently contain a cash tithe of anywhere between $1 and $803 dollars. Even if there is no tithe, the person still receives a prayer cloth, and all get a small forestworth of paper by way of junk mail.
These cloths are a 4x4-inch piece of silky white microfiber (normally used to clean cell phones or eye glasses). The company which produces them are located - not in Bethlehem as is claimed, but in an area of China which has been heavily affected by the current viral outbreak. Pastor Bullard swears he prays over each cloth until it is soaked in his tears and palm sweat. He has so far tested negative for Covid-19.
He stated that his strong spiritual faith kept him from getting sick. He also claimed that the anti-Christian, liberal, atheistic media were out to get him. ‘I’ve got 6 private jets, and multiple mansions in prime real estate areas. You know why? I’m a faithful servant of the Lord, that’s why! I am poor compared to Saudi royals and people like that puffy, pasty-faced, demon-screwing, rootless cosmopolitan, Soros! They’re worshiped by the filthy false profits pretending to be news outlets! You know why? The real money-men hate Jesus as much, if not more than, the so-called news media! This world is facing a reckoning for one reason alone, and that’s ‘cause Jesus’ most humble servant is under attack! I’m so sick of this mother fuckin’ government IRS, DEA, FBI, bullshit!!! The Lord ain’t takin’ this one lyin’ down I’ll tell ya that!”


thespoof--2020-03-21--A Catholic Church in Kalamazoo, Michigan Opens Up A Drive-Thru Confessional

KALAMAZOO , Michigan – Father Vicencio of the St. Gorgonzola Catholic Church has said that he will adhere to the no more than 10 people rule that has been implement by the government .
Father Vic , known for his self-aggrandizing nature , expressed that it bothers him that so many people will no longer have the opportunity to hear his fantastic , out-of-this-world sermons .
He said that he has decided to have what he calls a Father Vic Drive-Thru Confessional , where he will be providing crackers , wine , hot dogs , chips , and animal balloons @ @ @ @ @ @ @ three parishioners , who are carpenters , build a drive-thru confessional adjacent to the church .
The three carpenters will be allowed to cut in line ahead of the other parishioners .
He divulged that he used the money from the ‘ Candles Fund ’ plus a generous donation of $ 35,000 from a former lady of ill-repute who retired seven years ago and is now a charter member of the church .
The Vatican is reporting that Pope Francis loves the idea and is considering opening up a drive-thru confessional at the @ @

KALAMAZOO, Michigan – Father Vicencio of the St. Gorgonzola Catholic Church has said that he will adhere to the no more than 10 people rule that has been implement by the government.
Father Vic, known for his self-aggrandizing nature, expressed that it bothers him that so many people will no longer have the opportunity to hear his fantastic, out-of-this-world sermons.
He said that he has decided to have what he calls a Father Vic Drive-Thru Confessional, where he will be providing crackers, wine, hot dogs, chips, and animal balloons for the youngsters.
Father Vic had three parishioners, who are carpenters, build a drive-thru confessional adjacent to the church. The three carpenters will be allowed to cut in line ahead of the other parishioners.
He divulged that he used the money from the ‘Candles Fund’ plus a generous donation of $35,000 from a former lady of ill-repute who retired seven years ago and is now a charter member of the church.
The Vatican is reporting that Pope Francis loves the idea and is considering opening up a drive-thru confessional at the Vatican.


thespoof--2020-03-21--President Trump Has Left Planet Earth

President Trump Has Left Planet Earth

It 's been reported from reliable sources that US president , Donald Trump , has blasted off from planet Earth @ @ @ @ @ Republican party members , for an unknown destination in outer space .
The news was @ @ @ @ @ Fox News .
It 's thought that the president and his entourage have left the @ @ @ @ @ leadership at the height of the advance of the deadly Coronavirus .
Leaving everyone else @ @ @ @ @ say that the party , thought to number around 30 , were ushered aboard Space @ @ @ @ @ 9am at Cape Canaveral , and left Earth 's atmosphere soon after .
NASA confirmed @ @ @ @ @ made , but offered no details of personnel aboard , or the intended destination .

It's been reported from reliable sources that US president, Donald Trump, has blasted off from planet Earth with his family and senior Republican party members, for an unknown destination in outer space.
The news was announced just minutes ago on Fox News.
It's thought that the president and his entourage have left the planet to safeguard the US leadership at the height of the advance of the deadly Coronavirus.
Leaving everyone else in the lurch.
Experts say that the party, thought to number around 30, were ushered aboard Space Force One at just before 9am at Cape Canaveral, and left Earth's atmosphere soon after.
NASA confirmed that a launch had been made, but offered no details of personnel aboard, or the intended destination.


thespoof--2020-03-22--Nashville Woman's Self-Quarantine Goes Remarkably Smoothly

Determined to go to any lengths to help “ flatten the curve ” and curb the spread of COVID-19 , Jenny Mason of Nashville , Tennessee , implemented a policy of stringent self-quarantine – which , to her relief , met with little or no resistance .
“ No one even responded to my email stating that I ’ d decided to curtail my social interactions for the indefinite future out of concern regarding the coronavirus , ” said Mason .
“ The fact that people would go so far as to even avoid email interactions shows me that they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ - which I appreciate.
” And , while Mason admitted to wondering whether some more skeptical of the mass pandemic might seek to violate the boundary she ’ d set , no one has yet made any move to do so .
“ The way that people come together at times like these is incredible , '' she said .
“ It ’ s inspiring how everyone ’ s trying to do the right thing , even if it ’ s hard.
” Even so , not wanting to minimize the hardship imposed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reached out to two of her friends , Matt and Callie Reilly , to check in as to how they were holding up under her self-quarantine .
“ They told me they hadn ’ t even noticed , ” she said , chuckling affectionately .
“ I didn ’ t believe them for a second , of course .
But it ’ s super sweet of them to act , for my sake , like it ’ s not a big deal.
” Her self-quarantine is going so well , in fact , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even beyond the COVID-19 epidemic .
“ There ’ s no telling what ’ s next – an antibiotic-resistant superbug , a new strain of the flu , '' she said .
`` We all have to do what we can .
”

Determined to go to any lengths to help “flatten the curve” and curb the spread of COVID-19, Jenny Mason of Nashville, Tennessee, implemented a policy of stringent self-quarantine – which, to her relief, met with little or no resistance.
“No one even responded to my email stating that I’d decided to curtail my social interactions for the indefinite future out of concern regarding the coronavirus,” said Mason. “The fact that people would go so far as to even avoid email interactions shows me that they’re taking my concerns very seriously - which I appreciate.”
And, while Mason admitted to wondering whether some more skeptical of the mass pandemic might seek to violate the boundary she’d set, no one has yet made any move to do so. “The way that people come together at times like these is incredible," she said. “It’s inspiring how everyone’s trying to do the right thing, even if it’s hard.”
Even so, not wanting to minimize the hardship imposed on her more extroverted acquaintances, Mason reached out to two of her friends, Matt and Callie Reilly, to check in as to how they were holding up under her self-quarantine. “They told me they hadn’t even noticed,” she said, chuckling affectionately. “I didn’t believe them for a second, of course. But it’s super sweet of them to act, for my sake, like it’s not a big deal.”
Her self-quarantine is going so well, in fact, that Mason plans to potentially extend it even beyond the COVID-19 epidemic. “There’s no telling what’s next – an antibiotic-resistant superbug, a new strain of the flu," she said. "We all have to do what we can.”


thespoof--2020-03-22--"Trump Virus" Sweeps Over America

"Trump Virus" Sweeps Over America

Sheboygan , Wisconsin .
Andy Cooperson reporting for SIN - Spoof International News .
From Maine to Hawaii , a previously unknown - until three years ago - virulent virus has swept across the United States , infecting millions who , until now , assumed that they were immune .
Instead , they have fallen victim to what is now called `` the Trump Virus , '' a political disease that strikes the young and athletic , as well as the already feeble and elderly , regardless of party or ideology .
The main component of `` the Trump Virus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or misleading half-truths , expressed repeatedly by the current administration or its TV and radio fellow travelers , sometimes passing as straight reporting on One America News .
The gullible accept the word of the president and his allies as unimpeachable , pun deliberately intended , and they denounce any challenge to his decisions .
This segment of `` the Trump Virus '' also embraces white nationalists and the militia movement , in full support of their president .
Opponents are unable to maintain their own decorum in light of the president 's @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , health safeguards , and foreign policy in general .
They have become as outraged as his supporters , and civility has disappeared from the debate .
Thus , `` the Trump Virus '' has infected all segments of the population , with increasing acrimony and outright violence .
The Minute Men of the far right are matched by the Anti-Fascists of the far left .
One wonders if America 2020 is not far from Germany 1933 .

Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Andy Cooperson reporting for SIN - Spoof International News. From Maine to Hawaii, a previously unknown - until three years ago - virulent virus has swept across the United States, infecting millions who, until now, assumed that they were immune. Instead, they have fallen victim to what is now called "the Trump Virus," a political disease that strikes the young and athletic, as well as the already feeble and elderly, regardless of party or ideology.
The main component of "the Trump Virus" is a susceptibility to repeated lies or misleading half-truths, expressed repeatedly by the current administration or its TV and radio fellow travelers, sometimes passing as straight reporting on One America News. The gullible accept the word of the president and his allies as unimpeachable, pun deliberately intended, and they denounce any challenge to his decisions. This segment of "the Trump Virus" also embraces white nationalists and the militia movement, in full support of their president.
Opponents are unable to maintain their own decorum in light of the president's actions on global warming, environmental protection, health safeguards, and foreign policy in general. They have become as outraged as his supporters, and civility has disappeared from the debate.
Thus, "the Trump Virus" has infected all segments of the population, with increasing acrimony and outright violence. The Minute Men of the far right are matched by the Anti-Fascists of the far left.
One wonders if America 2020 is not far from Germany 1933.


thespoof--2020-03-22--A Farmer in Iowa is Making and Marketing His Own Toilet Paper

WATERLOO , Iowa – Harpo Kerfuffle , 57 , has always been the type of man who enjoys a challenge .
And so when the toilet paper shortage hit , he was prepared .
Kerfuffle who owns a 2,000-acre corn farm called Corncob Corners , took out a loan last month and began experimenting in his spare time , usually between 11 pm and midnight .
After about a week of downing lots of cornbread and corn mash whiskey , he discovered a way to make his own TP .
Harpo gathered up thousands of corn husk shucks , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ maternal grandparents , Ira and Loretta Dickheimer , he began to glue the shucks together .
And the end result is a toilet paper product that he is marketing as Ahh Shucks Toilet Paper .
Harpo has signed a contract with the Charmin Toilet Paper Company , and will be producing 3,000 pounds of toilet paper every two weeks .
He has hired on a bunch of his unemployed neighbors , including Millicent Lardgarden , 51 , who was Miss Corncob of 1993 .
Kerfuffle says that , with the advance money he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off the mortgage on his farm , paid for a year ’ s worth of daughter Lindy Sue ’ s accordion lessons , and purchased a brand new fully loaded John Deere Mr. Hercules 7000 Combine that is equipped with a microwave , a refrigerator , and two cases of Coors Light Beer .

WATERLOO, Iowa – Harpo Kerfuffle, 57, has always been the type of man who enjoys a challenge. And so when the toilet paper shortage hit, he was prepared.
Kerfuffle who owns a 2,000-acre corn farm called Corncob Corners, took out a loan last month and began experimenting in his spare time, usually between 11 pm and midnight.
After about a week of downing lots of cornbread and corn mash whiskey, he discovered a way to make his own TP.
Harpo gathered up thousands of corn husk shucks, and, with the help of his two maternal grandparents, Ira and Loretta Dickheimer, he began to glue the shucks together.
And the end result is a toilet paper product that he is marketing as Ahh Shucks Toilet Paper.
Harpo has signed a contract with the Charmin Toilet Paper Company, and will be producing 3,000 pounds of toilet paper every two weeks.
He has hired on a bunch of his unemployed neighbors, including Millicent Lardgarden, 51, who was Miss Corncob of 1993.
Kerfuffle says that, with the advance money he received from Charmin, he has paid off the mortgage on his farm, paid for a year’s worth of daughter Lindy Sue’s accordion lessons, and purchased a brand new fully loaded John Deere Mr. Hercules 7000 Combine that is equipped with a microwave, a refrigerator, and two cases of Coors Light Beer.


thespoof--2020-03-22--Mar-a-Lago Tests Positive For COVID-19

Mar-a-Lago Tests Positive For COVID-19

PALM BEACH , Florida – Members of the C-19 Exploratory Task Force have just discovered that there are traces of COVID-19 located in seven different areas of the president ’ s Dixieland White House , Mar-a-Lago .
One of the C-19 ETF members divulged , in strictest confidence , that he suspects that the president could have come into contact with the virus , since he pretty much touches everything in sight , especially if it ’ s wearing a dress , or if it ’ s in the food category .
When the lead member of the group was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he quickly said that it was not their place to inform him .
When asked whose place it was , one member replied that it was Kellyanne Conway ’ s job to inform POTUS .
He was asked where she was , since she has been noticeably absent of late .
The member remarked that it was his understanding that she was presently vacationing by herself in Salerno , Italy .
Another member , who asked to be identified only as Agent # 9184 , noted that at least 47 individuals attended @ @ @ @ @ @ @ main course choice of lobster , Duck L ’ Orange , Ribeye Steak , or Big Macs .
Agent # 9184 did mention that the festive-goers included Sarah Sanders , Scott Baio , the two Trump ass-kissing Aunt Thomasina sisters , Diamond and Silk , and two ex-members of the Baja Florida chapter of the KKK .

PALM BEACH, Florida – Members of the C-19 Exploratory Task Force have just discovered that there are traces of COVID-19 located in seven different areas of the president’s Dixieland White House, Mar-a-Lago.
One of the C-19 ETF members divulged, in strictest confidence, that he suspects that the president could have come into contact with the virus, since he pretty much touches everything in sight, especially if it’s wearing a dress, or if it’s in the food category.
When the lead member of the group was asked if they had informed the president, he quickly said that it was not their place to inform him.
When asked whose place it was, one member replied that it was Kellyanne Conway’s job to inform POTUS.
He was asked where she was, since she has been noticeably absent of late. The member remarked that it was his understanding that she was presently vacationing by herself in Salerno, Italy.
Another member, who asked to be identified only as Agent #9184, noted that at least 47 individuals attended the ritzy party. Guests had their main course choice of lobster, Duck L’Orange, Ribeye Steak, or Big Macs.
Agent #9184 did mention that the festive-goers included Sarah Sanders, Scott Baio, the two Trump ass-kissing Aunt Thomasina sisters, Diamond and Silk, and two ex-members of the Baja Florida chapter of the KKK.


thespoof--2020-03-22--Trump’s Ego is the Size of Dallas, While His Brain is the Size of a Tsetse Fly

BOSTON – Three of the leading psychologists in the country have stated that Donald J. Trump ’ s political career , like a 10-day old loaf of bread , has expired .
Dr. Skiffington Bibble stated that he has studied Trump since his days on NBC ’ s The Apprentice , and has seen that POTUS has probably lost a total of 472,000 brain cells .
He expressed that the leader of the free world has now reached the point where he needs to be physically placed in a mental institution before he hurts someone , himself , or a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ DJT has become 90 % delusional , as evidenced by the fact that he now truly believes that the Confederacy actually won the Civil War , but that it was disqualified due to The Infamous Gatling Gun Scandal of 1865 .
Noted Chicago physician , Dr. Olivio Quillicy , expressed that further proof of how absolutely abhorrent and belligerently evil he has become , is the fact that even his own wife Melania is now refusing to hold his hand in public .
Trump tries to play it off by saying that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s call the Slovenian Elephantine Dismal Rash , and she just does not want him to catch it .
Dr. Cozetta Puddleship said that Trump has reached the point where , sad to say , his ego is the size of Dallas , but his brain is the size of a tsetse fly .
Dr. Puddleship is actually being a bit modest .
An inside White House source who saw Trump ’ s most recent brain scan , said that his brain is actually the size of a tsetse fly ’ s belly @ @

BOSTON – Three of the leading psychologists in the country have stated that Donald J. Trump’s political career, like a 10-day old loaf of bread, has expired.
Dr. Skiffington Bibble stated that he has studied Trump since his days on NBC’s The Apprentice, and has seen that POTUS has probably lost a total of 472,000 brain cells.
He expressed that the leader of the free world has now reached the point where he needs to be physically placed in a mental institution before he hurts someone, himself, or a family pet.
Dr. Bibble noted that DJT has become 90% delusional, as evidenced by the fact that he now truly believes that the Confederacy actually won the Civil War, but that it was disqualified due to The Infamous Gatling Gun Scandal of 1865.
Noted Chicago physician, Dr. Olivio Quillicy, expressed that further proof of how absolutely abhorrent and belligerently evil he has become, is the fact that even his own wife Melania is now refusing to hold his hand in public.
Trump tries to play it off by saying that the first lady has developed what doctor’s call the Slovenian Elephantine Dismal Rash, and she just does not want him to catch it.
Dr. Cozetta Puddleship said that Trump has reached the point where, sad to say, his ego is the size of Dallas, but his brain is the size of a tsetse fly.
Dr. Puddleship is actually being a bit modest. An inside White House source who saw Trump’s most recent brain scan, said that his brain is actually the size of a tsetse fly’s belly button.


thespoof--2020-03-22--Sterilization Mandate Passes While Christy Lane Warbles Inspirational Songs

RE : Liberal Sterilization Mandate : To counter the polarization that has divided the BILLINGSGATE INSTITUTE regarding the mandatory sterilization issue , Board President , Dr. Cleotus `` Clete '' Earlbeck , has asked members to join him in listening to selected inspirational songs by his favorite recording artist , Cristy Lane .
Ms. Cristy , whose songs have given faith and inspiration to millions , was flown into the Galapagos yesterday and has been warbling her wistful melodies for hours .
With Board Members crying for mercy after listening to `` One Day At a Time '' and `` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ times to count , Ms. Cristy was finally given the hook .
With the smirk of evil genius enveloping his usually bland countenance , Dr. Earlbeck asked the Board if they had had enough .
Under these onerous conditions , they were more than ready to vote on the sterilization mandate .
With a unanimous show of hands it was decreed that not only should sterilization be mandatory for liberals , if some states refuse to enforce the mandate , the Constitution shall be amended to guarantee compliance .
Dr. Billingsgate wishes to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Directors for the above decree .
Although it provides absolutely no flexibility , it is not unduly harsh .
Surely liberals should be thankful that the Board was not vindictive , and while being sterilized is not fun , it beats being horse-whipped .
NOTE : Due to the Coronavirus , until further notice , Dr. Billingsgate will be publishing his stories from his Safe Space Cave in the Galapagos .

BILLINGSGATE POST: (Dateline Galapagos Islands)
The Board Has Decided:
RE: Liberal Sterilization Mandate: To counter the polarization that has divided the BILLINGSGATE INSTITUTE regarding the mandatory sterilization issue, Board President, Dr. Cleotus "Clete" Earlbeck, has asked members to join him in listening to selected inspirational songs by his favorite recording artist, Cristy Lane.
Ms. Cristy, whose songs have given faith and inspiration to millions, was flown into the Galapagos yesterday and has been warbling her wistful melodies for hours. With Board Members crying for mercy after listening to "One Day At a Time" and "Footprints In The Sand" too many times to count, Ms. Cristy was finally given the hook. With the smirk of evil genius enveloping his usually bland countenance, Dr. Earlbeck asked the Board if they had had enough.
Under these onerous conditions, they were more than ready to vote on the sterilization mandate. With a unanimous show of hands it was decreed that not only should sterilization be mandatory for liberals, if some states refuse to enforce the mandate, the Constitution shall be amended to guarantee compliance.
Dr. Billingsgate wishes to thank the BILLINGSGATE INSTITUTE and its Board of Directors for the above decree. Although it provides absolutely no flexibility, it is not unduly harsh. Surely liberals should be thankful that the Board was not vindictive, and while being sterilized is not fun, it beats being horse-whipped.
Slim: “A nice combination of compassion and maniacal idealism.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Unprecedented in modern times.”
NOTE: Due to the Coronavirus, until further notice, Dr. Billingsgate will be publishing his stories from his Safe Space Cave in the Galapagos.


thespoof--2020-03-23--Trump Says He Will Nuke China If He Knows, For Sure, They Are Serving Bat Soup

White House sources close to President Donald Trump have said that he is seething over as-yet unsubstantiated reports that restaurants in Wuhan are , once more , serving Bat Soup to customers .
Wuhan is the city where the Coronavirus first leapt into a human throat , and , from there , it has now gone on a world tour .
The virus was transmitted to the first human infectee by means of the aforementioned soup .
Now that the Coronavirus has reached the US , and the medical services there have been found to be lacking in almost everything @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Trump has started looking for scapegoats , instead of addressing the real problem .
One earwitness said he overheard Trump telling an unknown colleague that , if the space satellites confirmed that Bat Soup was on tables ANYWHERE in China , he would not hesitate to : Citizens of the US may rest assured that the satellites President Trump is referring to , are not able to pinpoint objects with the precision he imagines .
It may still be a worry for them , however , to consider that he believes they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ morning , military commanders were meeting in secret to discuss dismantling the nuclear mechanism .

White House sources close to President Donald Trump have said that he is seething over as-yet unsubstantiated reports that restaurants in Wuhan are, once more, serving Bat Soup to customers.
Wuhan is the city where the Coronavirus first leapt into a human throat, and, from there, it has now gone on a world tour. The virus was transmitted to the first human infectee by means of the aforementioned soup.
Now that the Coronavirus has reached the US, and the medical services there have been found to be lacking in almost everything they need to deal with the pandemic, Trump has started looking for scapegoats, instead of addressing the real problem.
One earwitness said he overheard Trump telling an unknown colleague that, if the space satellites confirmed that Bat Soup was on tables ANYWHERE in China, he would not hesitate to:
"push the big red button."
Citizens of the US may rest assured that the satellites President Trump is referring to, are not able to pinpoint objects with the precision he imagines.
It may still be a worry for them, however, to consider that he believes they are able to do so.
This morning, military commanders were meeting in secret to discuss dismantling the nuclear mechanism.


thespoof--2020-03-24--President Trump Has Noticed A Similarity Between The Words 'Panic' And 'Pandemic'

It 's been reported from the White House in the last few minutes , that President Donald Trump has become @ @ @ @ @ between two very popular words in circulation at the moment - 'panic ' and 'pandemic @ @ @ @ @ sources , the president made the discovery whilst preparing a tweet to Russian leader , @ @ @ @ @ been conspicuous by his absence from world affairs since the Coronavirus outbreak started .
According @ @ @ @ @ words have five letters in common , in the correct order , and the three @ @ @ @ @ ' , ' e ' and 'm ' - could , theoretically be used to @ @ @ @ @ two and two together , and getting eight , Trump quickly interpreted this as a @ @ @ @ @ by his political rivals to distract him .
He immediately called a high-level meeting of @ @ @ @ @ later today , where he will tell them to stand down , and that the @ @ @ @ @ Democratic Party plot to undermine his 2020 Election Campaign .

It's been reported from the White House in the last few minutes, that President Donald Trump has become aware of a distinct similarity between two very popular words in circulation at the moment - 'panic' and 'pandemic'.
According to reliable sources, the president made the discovery whilst preparing a tweet to Russian leader, Vladimir Putin, who has been conspicuous by his absence from world affairs since the Coronavirus outbreak started.
According to Trump, the two words have five letters in common, in the correct order, and the three letters left over - 'd', 'e' and 'm' - could, theoretically be used to construct the anagram:
Dem panic.
Putting two and two together, and getting eight, Trump quickly interpreted this as a 'code phrase' being used by his political rivals to distract him.
He immediately called a high-level meeting of all his closest aides for later today, where he will tell them to stand down, and that the whole thing is merely a Democratic Party plot to undermine his 2020 Election Campaign.


thespoof--2020-03-23--No Nasty Questions For Trump

No Nasty Questions For Trump

For such a belligerent sloth , when asked a simple question , President Donald Trump turns into a snowflake , and calls the question nasty , and accuses the reporter of working for a loser organization .
Then , he says the reporter asking the question was always irresponsible .
When it finally comes to a reply , it ’ s a made-up answer , of salad words , not accurate , but going to be accomplished next week .
To be more succinct , his reply is always a lot of BS .
When Dr. Fauci steps up to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ misstatements or BS , one can almost see the steam oozing out of Trump ’ s ears , as he looks down at Doctor Fauci .
By the way , Dr. Fauci should be canonized as a saint .
He seems to be the only one in Trump 's circle bravely speaking the truth with knowledge and accuracy .
When called upon as a lifeline , Pence steps up , holding a clipboard , in a failed attempt to look smart , talks numbers , blah , blah , blah , and adds @ @ @ @ @ @ @ keep .
Then Pence steps back , hiding behind Trump , and falling asleep again , with eyes half-open .
Trump stands firmly with a group of men , shakes hands , insists everyone is on the ball , never said the virus would go away by itself , everything 's under control , and don ’ t ask nasty questions .
Trump 's is some zero White House during the worst pandemic the world has ever experienced .
Then you switch channels and find Andrew Cuomo , the Governor of New York @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and how it is affecting New York , the country , the world , emergency services , workers , nurses , doctors , hospitals , shortages of medical equipment , beds , masks , ventilators , seniors , big business , small business , maintaining a distance from one another , and do n't shake hands .
No BS .
And the governor speaks in sentences .
He answers every question .
Never says a question is nasty or berates the questioner .
The members of his team are also knowledgeable , ready @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do n't look sleepy .
It ’ s like going from a Mel Brooks satire , to a David Mamet drama .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

For such a belligerent sloth, when asked a simple question, President Donald Trump turns into a snowflake, and calls the question nasty, and accuses the reporter of working for a loser organization. Then, he says the reporter asking the question was always irresponsible.
When it finally comes to a reply, it’s a made-up answer, of salad words, not accurate, but going to be accomplished next week.
To be more succinct, his reply is always a lot of BS.
When Dr. Fauci steps up to the microphone to correct Trump’s misstatements or BS, one can almost see the steam oozing out of Trump’s ears, as he looks down at Doctor Fauci. By the way, Dr. Fauci should be canonized as a saint. He seems to be the only one in Trump's circle bravely speaking the truth with knowledge and accuracy.
When called upon as a lifeline, Pence steps up, holding a clipboard, in a failed attempt to look smart, talks numbers, blah, blah, blah, and adds some promises the White House will not keep. Then Pence steps back, hiding behind Trump, and falling asleep again, with eyes half-open.
Trump stands firmly with a group of men, shakes hands, insists everyone is on the ball, never said the virus would go away by itself, everything's under control, and don’t ask nasty questions.
Trump's is some zero White House during the worst pandemic the world has ever experienced.
Then you switch channels and find Andrew Cuomo, the Governor of New York. He is speaking about the pandemic and how it is affecting New York, the country, the world, emergency services, workers, nurses, doctors, hospitals, shortages of medical equipment, beds, masks, ventilators, seniors, big business, small business, maintaining a distance from one another, and don't shake hands. No BS.
And the governor speaks in sentences. He answers every question. Never says a question is nasty or berates the questioner. The members of his team are also knowledgeable, ready to speak facts, alert and they don't look sleepy.
It’s like going from a Mel Brooks satire, to a David Mamet drama.
But don't ask Trump relevant questions. They're nasty.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-03-23--Married Couples Are Starting To Practice Social Distancing Sex

WEST HOLLYWOOD - The American Intercourse Council has issued some guidelines that it is asking married couples to follow .
After much discussion within the organization , they have decided to make a recommendation in keeping with the social-distancing manifesto that the government will be implementing .
The AIC has stipulated that it does not want to interfere with a couple ’ s Horizontal Be Bopping ( i.e .
Vavavooming ) , but folks are going to definitely have to modify the coital act .
The AIC suggests that , in order to keep six feet apart , participants should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ completely pitch black , and simply fantasize that they are engaging in the act , so to speak .
They point out that many people ( after just a few times ) will actually begin to enjoy the creative nature of this type of social sexual-distancing , especially if they embrace the concept of `` Fantasy Gourmet Sex '' .
Studies have shown that some of the ‘ in the dark ’ couples will even use sexy made-up names for their partner , or , in some cases , they will use the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , a neighbor , or a stranger that they saw at the local McDonalds .
SIDENOTE : The AIC does want to point out that , if someone feels uncomfortable in any way , they should use a ‘ safe word ’ to end the merriment .
The AIC suggests using the following words or phrases : Whoa !
; Nope , nope , nope !
; No way Jose !
; or Stop that right friggin now !

WEST HOLLYWOOD - The American Intercourse Council has issued some guidelines that it is asking married couples to follow.
After much discussion within the organization, they have decided to make a recommendation in keeping with the social-distancing manifesto that the government will be implementing.
The AIC has stipulated that it does not want to interfere with a couple’s Horizontal Be Bopping (i.e. Vavavooming), but folks are going to definitely have to modify the coital act.
The AIC suggests that, in order to keep six feet apart, participants should turn off the lights until it is completely pitch black, and simply fantasize that they are engaging in the act, so to speak.
They point out that many people (after just a few times) will actually begin to enjoy the creative nature of this type of social sexual-distancing, especially if they embrace the concept of "Fantasy Gourmet Sex".
Studies have shown that some of the ‘in the dark’ couples will even use sexy made-up names for their partner, or, in some cases, they will use the names of a co-worker, a boss, a neighbor, or a stranger that they saw at the local McDonalds.
SIDENOTE: The AIC does want to point out that, if someone feels uncomfortable in any way, they should use a ‘safe word’ to end the merriment. The AIC suggests using the following words or phrases: Whoa!; Nope, nope, nope!; No way Jose!; or Stop that right friggin now!


thespoof--2020-03-23--Many of Nevada’s Prostitutes Are Applying For Unemployment Benefits

LAS VEGAS – Now that the number one entertainment mecca of the world has come to a total standstill , many Las Vegas employees are having to apply for unemployment benefits .
One group of individuals that is really feeling the pinch , is the wild , wicked world of prostitution .
Estimates are that 99.2 % of those ladies of the evening ( or the afternoon ) are now just sitting around at home counting their hundred dollar bills .
One harlot who identified herself by her working name ( FiFi McTrix ) , was interviewed by Huckleberry Citrus @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she has tons of makeup , wigs , 6-inch stiletto heels , crotchless panties , and a whip just sitting around idly .
FiFi commented that she will be applying for unemployment benefits , food stamps , dental assistance , and free pap smears .
Another ‘ pavement princess ’ , Jolene Manola , said that she has a husband and five children that totally depend on her .
She remarked that she will probably end up having to sell some of her fancy imported French underwear on eBay just to make ends @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jolene disclosed that she heard on Fox News that Trump has said that he will be prohibiting the nation ’ s Unemployment Agency from paying out any unemployment payments to , as he calls them , hookers .
SIDENOTE : Stormy Daniels was asked to comment on Trump ’ s remarks , and she said that Donnie paid her $ 130,000 for her to say that he did not sexually collude with her , and that it was all just a Democratic hoax .

LAS VEGAS – Now that the number one entertainment mecca of the world has come to a total standstill, many Las Vegas employees are having to apply for unemployment benefits.
One group of individuals that is really feeling the pinch,is the wild, wicked world of prostitution. Estimates are that 99.2% of those ladies of the evening (or the afternoon) are now just sitting around at home counting their hundred dollar bills.
One harlot who identified herself by her working name (FiFi McTrix), was interviewed by Huckleberry Citrus of LaLaLand Daily. She said that she has tons of makeup, wigs, 6-inch stiletto heels, crotchless panties, and a whip just sitting around idly.
FiFi commented that she will be applying for unemployment benefits, food stamps, dental assistance, and free pap smears.
Another ‘pavement princess’, Jolene Manola, said that she has a husband and five children that totally depend on her. She remarked that she will probably end up having to sell some of her fancy imported French underwear on eBay just to make ends meet (no pun intended).
Jolene disclosed that she heard on Fox News that Trump has said that he will be prohibiting the nation’s Unemployment Agency from paying out any unemployment payments to, as he calls them, hookers.
SIDENOTE: Stormy Daniels was asked to comment on Trump’s remarks, and she said that Donnie paid her $130,000 for her to say that he did not sexually collude with her, and that it was all just a Democratic hoax.


thespoof--2020-03-24--Nashville Man Successfully Overcomes Fear and Despair

Caleb Bonner of Nashville , Tennessee , knew he was at a critical juncture .
A barrage of news about mass pandemics , dubious politics , and an increasingly unlivable planet had left him wondering whether life was even worth living .
Was there any point in pretending anymore that there was even the faintest hope for the future ?
“ It was a turning point for me , ” said Bonner of that moment where he came to question everything .
“ I stared darkness in the face , except there was no face – only darkness.
” And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Bonner found a spark of courage and fortitude – and a determination to keep on fighting the human fight , until the very end .
“ I realized I did have what it takes after all , ” he said .
“ I wasn ’ t going to let the demons keep me down.
” Bonner bucked those demons , and then some .
He opened his eyes , planted his feet firmly on the floor , and got out of bed .
“ One day at a time , ” he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time .
”

Caleb Bonner of Nashville, Tennessee, knew he was at a critical juncture. A barrage of news about mass pandemics, dubious politics, and an increasingly unlivable planet had left him wondering whether life was even worth living. Was there any point in pretending anymore that there was even the faintest hope for the future?
“It was a turning point for me,” said Bonner of that moment where he came to question everything. “I stared darkness in the face, except there was no face – only darkness.”
And somewhere, deep, deep within him, Bonner found a spark of courage and fortitude – and a determination to keep on fighting the human fight, until the very end.
“I realized I did have what it takes after all,” he said. “I wasn’t going to let the demons keep me down.”
Bonner bucked those demons, and then some. He opened his eyes, planted his feet firmly on the floor, and got out of bed.
“One day at a time,” he said. “One day at a time.”


thespoof--2020-03-24--Trump and Dr. Fauci Get Into a Hellacious Shouting Match After The C-19 Press Conference

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Dr. Anthony Fauci is the highly-respected director of the National Institute of Allery and Infectious Diseases .
Donald Johnny Trump is the electoral college president , and pretty much self-proclaimed King of the United States .
So when the two were overheard arguing backstage about the Coronavirus , it was like Billy the Kid getting into a gunfight with the town ’ s elderly school marm .
It wasn ’ t pretty .
And Pinocchio Trump got his butt verbally kicked so bad , he ’ s going to have to sit in a gigantic wash @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cream in order to get rid of the pain .
Dr. Fauci said that Trump may say that he has written 807 books , but they were all written by someone else who was paid handsomely to allow POTUS 45 to put his name on the cover as the author…the “ Fake ” author .
And Dr. Fauci added that one could honestly say that in this case ( at least ) there definitely was no collusion .
One witness to the Trump-Fauci brouhaha said that , right off the bat , Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said that he needs to find a way to grow about 6 more inches .
Fauci responded by saying that , coming from a man who has the hands and fingers of a 3-year-old toddler , that was a compliment .
Trump then said “ I ’ ve got one word for your shortcakes…d-e-p-o-r-t. ” Fauci smiled , and replied , “ Look here , Cheetos Face , the first lady will be deported back to Slovenia before you deport me back to where I came from.
” “ And just what country @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Dr. Anthony Fauci is the highly-respected director of the National Institute of Allery and Infectious Diseases.
Donald Johnny Trump is the electoral college president, and pretty much self-proclaimed King of the United States.
So when the two were overheard arguing backstage about the Coronavirus, it was like Billy the Kid getting into a gunfight with the town’s elderly school marm. It wasn’t pretty.
And Pinocchio Trump got his butt verbally kicked so bad, he’s going to have to sit in a gigantic wash tub full of Blue Bell vanilla ice cream in order to get rid of the pain.
Dr. Fauci said that Trump may say that he has written 807 books, but they were all written by someone else who was paid handsomely to allow POTUS 45 to put his name on the cover as the author…the “Fake” author.
And Dr. Fauci added that one could honestly say that in this case (at least) there definitely was no collusion.
One witness to the Trump-Fauci brouhaha said that, right off the bat, Trump called the doctor a loser, and said that he needs to find a way to grow about 6 more inches.
Fauci responded by saying that, coming from a man who has the hands and fingers of a 3-year-old toddler, that was a compliment.
Trump then said “I’ve got one word for your shortcakes…d-e-p-o-r-t.”
Fauci smiled, and replied, “Look here, Cheetos Face, the first lady will be deported back to Slovenia before you deport me back to where I came from.”
“And just what country did you come from? Trump asked.
“Brooklyn," replied the good doctor.
[THE SOUNDS OF SILENCE].


thespoof--2020-03-24--Residents of Corona, California Want The City’s Name Changed

CORONA , California – A vast majority of the citizens of this quaint California town , where Emperor Hirohito was allegedly born , have asked the mayor and the city council to change the name of the city .
One resident , Billy Bobby Millwinkle , said that he has lived there all his life , but now , due to the Coronavirus , he is getting calls from friends and relatives making jokes about the name of his town .
B.B .
said that the jokes about Corona Beer have finally died down , and now with this dreaded @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to as Covfefe-19 , the Chinese residents are being verbally attacked and are having to hear extremist jerks say that they don ’ t like egg rolls , chopsticks , or Jackie Chan movies .
Billy Bobby 's wife , Ying Lee , who was born in Boston , said that she hopes karma kicks in , and the White House Bully bites his tongue during one of his 2-hour GOP pep rally/press conferences .
Millwinkle pointed out that a city council member even suggested that he needs to move to another town @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that , if the name is not changed , he will personally pay several teenage gang members money to go around town spraying graffiti on any sign that says Corona .
IN CLOSING - The Corona City Council did agree to consider taking a vote next month to change the town name from Corona to Crown ( which is Corona in English ) .

CORONA, California – A vast majority of the citizens of this quaint California town, where Emperor Hirohito was allegedly born, have asked the mayor and the city council to change the name of the city.
One resident, Billy Bobby Millwinkle, said that he has lived there all his life, but now, due to the Coronavirus, he is getting calls from friends and relatives making jokes about the name of his town.
B.B. said that the jokes about Corona Beer have finally died down, and now with this dreaded Trump Virus, which the locals refer to as Covfefe-19, the Chinese residents are being verbally attacked and are having to hear extremist jerks say that they don’t like egg rolls, chopsticks, or Jackie Chan movies.
Billy Bobby's wife, Ying Lee, who was born in Boston, said that she hopes karma kicks in, and the White House Bully bites his tongue during one of his 2-hour GOP pep rally/press conferences.
Millwinkle pointed out that a city council member even suggested that he needs to move to another town.
Bobby Billy exploded and told him that, if the name is not changed, he will personally pay several teenage gang members money to go around town spraying graffiti on any sign that says Corona.
IN CLOSING - The Corona City Council did agree to consider taking a vote next month to change the town name from Corona to Crown (which is Corona in English).


thespoof--2020-03-24--A Connecticut Couple Arrested For Not Sheltering In Place

NAUGATUCK , Connecticut – An elderly couple , who are both in their late 80s , have been taken into custody by Naugatuck police officers .
Officer Flint Summersun informed the media that had assembled at a local duck pond , that the two octogenarians , identified as Tobias and Mildred Skippity , were told earlier in the day that they had to remain in their senior citizens home .
The two had reportedly sneaked out through an open kitchen window and walked to a local park to feed the ducks .
While feeding the ducks , 87-year-old Mildred accidentally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ screaming that the ducks were going to eat her .
Her husband , who is 89 , took off his shirt , his pants , his underwear , his socks , his shoes , and his Timex wristwatch , and , seven minutes later , jumped in to save his wife of 68 years , who was sitting in two feet of water with a duck nesting on her head .
Officer Summersun said that his first instinct was to shoot the duck , but he felt that , since it was a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and accidentally hit Mrs. Skippity .
After taking Mildred out of the water , he asked her why she wasn ’ t wearing any underwear .
Mildred looked down at her pubic region and yelled out , “ Darnit , da effen duck ate me bloomin ’ bloomers he did.
” The elderly couple were arrested and taken down to headquarters , but were released after Mildred started hollering that the police chief had tried to caress her breasts , which the desk sergeant said looked like two 12-inch loaves of French bread @

NAUGATUCK, Connecticut – An elderly couple, who are both in their late 80s, have been taken into custody by Naugatuck police officers.
Officer Flint Summersun informed the media that had assembled at a local duck pond, that the two octogenarians, identified as Tobias and Mildred Skippity, were told earlier in the day that they had to remain in their senior citizens home.
The two had reportedly sneaked out through an open kitchen window and walked to a local park to feed the ducks.
While feeding the ducks, 87-year-old Mildred accidentally slipped into the pond, and began screaming that the ducks were going to eat her.
Her husband, who is 89, took off his shirt, his pants, his underwear, his socks, his shoes, and his Timex wristwatch, and, seven minutes later, jumped in to save his wife of 68 years, who was sitting in two feet of water with a duck nesting on her head.
Officer Summersun said that his first instinct was to shoot the duck, but he felt that, since it was a little foggy, he might miss, and accidentally hit Mrs. Skippity.
After taking Mildred out of the water, he asked her why she wasn’t wearing any underwear. Mildred looked down at her pubic region and yelled out, “Darnit, da effen duck ate me bloomin’ bloomers he did.”
The elderly couple were arrested and taken down to headquarters, but were released after Mildred started hollering that the police chief had tried to caress her breasts, which the desk sergeant said looked like two 12-inch loaves of French bread.


thespoof--2020-03-23--The State of Colorado is Trying to Find A Strain of Marijuana That Will Kill The Coronavirus

DENVER – The Colorado State Cannabis Coalition has been asked by President Trump and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to try and come up with a strain of Marijuana that will combat the Coronavirus .
Trump spoke with Virgil Chickarino , director of CSCC , and informed him that he has heard from a close friend that Colorado ’ s highly-potent Durango Bango has some properties that could destroy C-19 cells .
He was told that Colorado cannabis research doctors are presently working on that very possibility 24/7 without taking any coffee breaks , and limiting themselves to only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 12-hour shift .
Trump was made aware that several other popular brands of Colorado pot could also have some potential in being the antidote to Cory as Trump sometimes calls Coronavirus .
POTUS was advised that several other strains grown and sold in the Rocky Mountain state include Pike ’ s Peak Princess , Aspen Locoweed , and Rocky Mountain High Falootin ’ .
Director Chickarino explained to the president that , if they find out that one of the Colorado brands of marijuana is the answer , then he will make arrangements @ @ @ @ @ @ @ place in the nation .
OFF THE RECORD – Chickarino reportedly spoke in private with Trump , and told him that to show his appreciation he will be shipping ten pounds of Durango Bango to Mar-a-Lago in a discreet package .

DENVER – The Colorado State Cannabis Coalition has been asked by President Trump and Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi to try and come up with a strain of Marijuana that will combat the Coronavirus.
Trump spoke with Virgil Chickarino, director of CSCC, and informed him that he has heard from a close friend that Colorado’s highly-potent Durango Bango has some properties that could destroy C-19 cells.
He was told that Colorado cannabis research doctors are presently working on that very possibility 24/7 without taking any coffee breaks, and limiting themselves to only two trips to the bathroom per each 12-hour shift.
Trump was made aware that several other popular brands of Colorado pot could also have some potential in being the antidote to Cory as Trump sometimes calls Coronavirus.
POTUS was advised that several other strains grown and sold in the Rocky Mountain state include Pike’s Peak Princess, Aspen Locoweed, and Rocky Mountain High Falootin’.
Director Chickarino explained to the president that, if they find out that one of the Colorado brands of marijuana is the answer, then he will make arrangements to have the pot FedExed to any place in the nation.
OFF THE RECORD – Chickarino reportedly spoke in private with Trump, and told him that to show his appreciation he will be shipping ten pounds of Durango Bango to Mar-a-Lago in a discreet package.


thespoof--2020-03-23--Fox News is Reporting That Several of its Employees Now Have The C-19 Virus

NEW YORK CITY – The network known as Trump Central has just announced that several of its employees have tested @ @ @ @ @ Sean Hannity ’ s Network which somehow still refers to itself as “ Fair & @ @ @ @ @ putting out that the Coronavirus was merely a big scare tactic devised by Nancy Pelosi @ @ @ @ @ Gregg Popovich of the San Antonio Spurs , and the Democrats .
Even , the @ @ @ @ @ Hannity is now crawfishing ( back pedaling as they say down in the Louisiana bayous @ @ @ @ @ director and his producer made him say that COVIR-19 was just a hoax dreamed up @ @ @ @ @ So now Sean “ The Marionette ” Hannity has got so much egg on his @ @ @ @ @ like a Savannah , Georgia egg-laying chicken hatchery .
There is a rumor circulating in @ @ @ @ @ plans to dump Mike Pence and put Hannity on the GOP presidential ticket .

NEW YORK CITY – The network known as Trump Central has just announced that several of its employees have tested positive for the COVIR-19.
Sean Hannity’s Network which somehow still refers to itself as “Fair & Balanced” has finally stopped putting out that the Coronavirus was merely a big scare tactic devised by Nancy Pelosi, Whoopi Goldberg, Coach Gregg Popovich of the San Antonio Spurs, and the Democrats.
Even, the Fox poster punk, Sean Hannity is now crawfishing (back pedaling as they say down in the Louisiana bayous) and saying that his director and his producer made him say that COVIR-19 was just a hoax dreamed up by the Liberal media.
So now Sean “The Marionette” Hannity has got so much egg on his Flintstone-looking face that he looks like a Savannah, Georgia egg-laying chicken hatchery.
There is a rumor circulating in the D.C. area that Trump plans to dump Mike Pence and put Hannity on the GOP presidential ticket.


thespoof--2020-03-25--Coronavirus Continues to Mutate in People’s Minds

While the flu-like coronavirus continues to afflict people around the world with coughing , fatigue , and occasionally even a fever , the virus itself continues to mutate at a rapid rate - at least in people ’ s minds .
“ Did you know it can survive on countertops for over seventeen hours ?
” said Candace Martin of Nashville , Tennessee .
“ That ’ s longer than most viruses – and almost as long as the germs from the uncooked meat I regularly prepare.
” Randall Hollis of New York City also has noted the fast-paced changes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ At first , I just thought it was like a bad cold , but now I realize it ’ s the worst thing to ever hit humanity .
This is the real deal folks – the time for action is now.
” Of course , Hollis went on to explain , the “ action ” necessary to address COVID-19 is actually action : never leaving the house , shunning all human contact , and , most importantly , avoiding elevating the heart rate , such as through exercise .
And Mona @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the first to report that the coronavirus now seems to be a flesh-eating virus that also targets the brain and makes people go insane .
“ It ’ s like Alzheimer ’ s but all over the body .
Really nasty stuff .
And there ’ s no treatment.
” She shook her head ruefully .
`` And I 'm pretty sure I 've been exposed .
I want to get tested , but there are n't enough tests .
Even for people like me , whose life hangs in the balance .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ encouraged to remain optimistic as the nation comes together to face the most widespread , insidious , and severe pandemic in human history – and , most of all , to trust in the media and the government to guide them through this existential human crisis .
“ Thank goodness we have leaders we can trust , ” said Morris .
“ I don ’ t know where we ’ d be without them .
”

While the flu-like coronavirus continues to afflict people around the world with coughing, fatigue, and occasionally even a fever, the virus itself continues to mutate at a rapid rate - at least in people’s minds.
“Did you know it can survive on countertops for over seventeen hours?” said Candace Martin of Nashville, Tennessee. “That’s longer than most viruses – and almost as long as the germs from the uncooked meat I regularly prepare.”
Randall Hollis of New York City also has noted the fast-paced changes undergone by COVID-19 in his own head. “At first, I just thought it was like a bad cold, but now I realize it’s the worst thing to ever hit humanity. This is the real deal folks – the time for action is now.”
Of course, Hollis went on to explain, the “action” necessary to address COVID-19 is actually in action: never leaving the house, shunning all human contact, and, most importantly, avoiding elevating the heart rate, such as through exercise.
And Mona Morris of Boston, Massachusetts, was the first to report that the coronavirus now seems to be a flesh-eating virus that also targets the brain and makes people go insane. “It’s like Alzheimer’s but all over the body. Really nasty stuff. And there’s no treatment.” She shook her head ruefully. "And I'm pretty sure I've been exposed. I want to get tested, but there aren't enough tests. Even for people like me, whose life hangs in the balance."
That being said, Americans are encouraged to remain optimistic as the nation comes together to face the most widespread, insidious, and severe pandemic in human history – and, most of all, to trust in the media and the government to guide them through this existential human crisis.
“Thank goodness we have leaders we can trust,” said Morris. “I don’t know where we’d be without them.”