thespoof--2020-08-29--President Obama Tells President Trump He’ll Bet Him $1 Million That He’ll Lose the Election

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - In late breaking news , President Trump has all but admitted that he will lose the November presidential election .
The New York Times is reporting that President Obama called up President Trump , and he told him that there is no way in hell , he 'll get re-elected .
Trump boasted that , not only will he get re-elected , but he will carry every state , including the country of Puerto Rico .
President Obama told him to put his money where his mouth was .
POTUS said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ president told the present president , that he would bet him $ 1 million that Joe Biden will beat him in November .
Trump started coughing uncontrollably , and , after about 35 seconds , said that he does not believe in making bets .
Barack Obama made a chicken sound , and replied , `` Hell , I don ’ t blame you Trumpy .
I hear that when your ass leaves the White House in a few months , you are going to need every dime you ’ ve got for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ you ’ re going to incur due to your illegal money schemes . ''
Trump said that he really doesn ’ t want to be president anymore , because it is cutting into his golf game way too much .
Obama laughed and said , `` Say what , chump ?
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - In late breaking news, President Trump has all but admitted that he will lose the November presidential election.
The New York Times is reporting that President Obama called up President Trump, and he told him that there is no way in hell, he'll get re-elected.
Trump boasted that, not only will he get re-elected, but he will carry every state, including the country of Puerto Rico.
President Obama told him to put his money where his mouth was. POTUS said bring it on.
And the former president told the present president, that he would bet him $1 million that Joe Biden will beat him in November.
Trump started coughing uncontrollably, and, after about 35 seconds, said that he does not believe in making bets.
Barack Obama made a chicken sound, and replied, "Hell, I don’t blame you Trumpy. I hear that when your ass leaves the White House in a few months, you are going to need every dime you’ve got for the tons and tons of lawyer fees you’re going to incur due to your illegal money schemes."
Trump said that he really doesn’t want to be president anymore, because it is cutting into his golf game way too much.
Obama laughed and said, "Say what, chump?”


thespoof--2020-08-29--GOP Opposes Cancel Culture; Also Declares that Those With Different Opinions than Them "Hate America

GOP Opposes Cancel Culture; Also Declares that Those With Different Opinions than Them "Hate America"

Washington - GOP Convention speeches , which included appearances by accomplished , insightful , and respected speakers such as Eric @ @ @ @ @ Melania Trump , Donald Trump Jr. and girlfriend of Donald Trump Jr. , focused the @ @ @ @ @ culture '' in America .
Railing against political correctness , which they insist is the @ @ @ @ @ culture , and not a President that ignores the law , speaker after speaker insisted @ @ @ @ @ should be treated with respect and not censured or belittled in any way .
One @ @ @ @ @ , especially when the President took the stage , was the Republican declaration that all @ @ @ @ @ and any other group that opposes Donald Trump and the GOP must `` hate America @ @ @ @ @ with the media were , therefore , `` enemies of the people '' .
`` @ @ @ @ @ America , '' said Trump in his acceptance speech .
`` We ca n't allow @ @ @ @ @ ''

Washington - GOP Convention speeches, which included appearances by accomplished, insightful, and respected speakers such as Eric Trump, Tiffany Trump, Melania Trump, Donald Trump Jr. and girlfriend of Donald Trump Jr., focused the emergence of the "cancel culture" in America.
Railing against political correctness, which they insist is the real fascism present in American culture, and not a President that ignores the law, speaker after speaker insisted that all opinions and beliefs should be treated with respect and not censured or belittled in any way.
One other theme that was evident, especially when the President took the stage, was the Republican declaration that all Democrats, Liberals, Progressives and any other group that opposes Donald Trump and the GOP must "hate America", and, along with the media were, therefore, "enemies of the people".
"Joe Biden wants to destroy America," said Trump in his acceptance speech. "We can't allow him to do it."


thespoof--2020-08-29--Only 500 pictures of the Kardashians uploaded to the internet today

There was shock around the world today when , what with everything else that was happening , only 500 new @ @ @ @ @ uploaded to the internet .
Kim , Kourtney , and the other five or six @ @ @ @ @ news day that seemed to be more concerned about a global pandemic , an impending @ @ @ @ @ weather , and idiots in charge at the top .
A passer-by , who did @ @ @ @ @ just remarked : ' I would have been bothered if I had been bothered , @ @ @ @ @ bothered , I am not bothered . '
Someone else remarked : 'What is a @ @ @ @ @ sure that I would want to give a Kardashian house space , whatever it is @ @

There was shock around the world today when, what with everything else that was happening, only 500 new photos featuring a Kardashian were uploaded to the internet.
Kim, Kourtney, and the other five or six, barely featured in a news day that seemed to be more concerned about a global pandemic, an impending world recession, increasingly bad weather, and idiots in charge at the top.
A passer-by, who didn't seem to mind, just remarked: 'I would have been bothered if I had been bothered, but as I am not bothered, I am not bothered.'
Someone else remarked: 'What is a Kardashian? I am not sure that I would want to give a Kardashian house space, whatever it is.'


thespoof--2020-08-30--Giancarlo Granda, Alias “The Falwell Pool Boy” Finally Speaks Out

NEW YORK CITY – ( Satire News ) - After staying quiet for several days , the nation ’ s most famous former pool cleaner is speaking out .
Giancarlo Granda told TMZ that Jerry and Becki Falwell , who claim to be devoted evangelicals , are about as religious as the Chupacabra is cute .
Granda said he first met the Falwells when they hired him to clean their swimming pool .
He said that the pool cleaning led to lawn moving , which led to tree trimming , which eventually led to Becki boinking .
Carlo said that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ At first he was quiet , but then he became a cheerleader yelling out `` Go , Carlo , go , give it to the ho ! ''
TMZ reported that , after 857 sexual romps lasting 9 years , it finally ended after Carlo met and fell in love with a hot , sexy 22-year-old Hooters girl .
Once word got out about the evangelical cuckoldry , Liberty University quickly terminated Jerry as president .
Becki has since been asked to turn in her “ Religious Women For Trump ” button .

NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) - After staying quiet for several days, the nation’s most famous former pool cleaner is speaking out.
Giancarlo Granda told TMZ that Jerry and Becki Falwell, who claim to be devoted evangelicals, are about as religious as the Chupacabra is cute.
Granda said he first met the Falwells when they hired him to clean their swimming pool.
He said that the pool cleaning led to lawn moving, which led to tree trimming, which eventually led to Becki boinking.
Carlo said that Jerry always watched in the corner. At first he was quiet, but then he became a cheerleader yelling out "Go, Carlo, go, give it to the ho!"
TMZ reported that, after 857 sexual romps lasting 9 years, it finally ended after Carlo met and fell in love with a hot, sexy 22-year-old Hooters girl.
Once word got out about the evangelical cuckoldry, Liberty University quickly terminated Jerry as president.
Becki has since been asked to turn in her “Religious Women For Trump” button.


thespoof--2020-08-30--President Trump Shocks the Nation by Dropping Mike Pence From the Ticket and Replacing Him with Ivan

President Trump Shocks the Nation by Dropping Mike Pence From the Ticket and Replacing Him with Ivanka

MANCHESTER , New Hampshire - ( Satire News ) – The President was in Manchester holding a campaign pep rally before a crowd of 220 supporters , all unmasked , and not a one adhering to the self-distancing policy .
They crowd of MAGAians cheered everything that came out of Trump ’ s mouth , including a sneeze that most perceived to be an anti-Biden jab .
POTUS , who seems to be tiring and not showing the fire and brimstone he had earlier in the year .
is reportedly suffering from bouts of Montezuma ’ s Revenge , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Creepy-eyed Tucker Carlson , of Fox News , spoke with Trump and was told that the President does not want to see a female Democratic vice-president , and he certainly does not want to see a black , female Democratic vice-president .
So he has decided to drop `` Mannequin '' Pence from the vice-presidential slot , and replace him with his perfect , blonde daughter , Ivanka Trump .
DJT said that they are going to be like Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles , except that he will be the king @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Tucker Carlson added half-jokingly , that Eric would most likely end up being the court jester .

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire - (Satire News) – The President was in Manchester holding a campaign pep rally before a crowd of 220 supporters, all unmasked, and not a one adhering to the self-distancing policy.
They crowd of MAGAians cheered everything that came out of Trump’s mouth, including a sneeze that most perceived to be an anti-Biden jab.
POTUS, who seems to be tiring and not showing the fire and brimstone he had earlier in the year. is reportedly suffering from bouts of Montezuma’s Revenge, which he caught from a visiting Aztec dignitary.
Creepy-eyed Tucker Carlson, of Fox News, spoke with Trump and was told that the President does not want to see a female Democratic vice-president, and he certainly does not want to see a black, female Democratic vice-president.
So he has decided to drop "Mannequin" Pence from the vice-presidential slot, and replace him with his perfect, blonde daughter, Ivanka Trump.
DJT said that they are going to be like Queen Elizabeth and Prince Charles, except that he will be the king and Ivanka will be the princess.
Tucker Carlson added half-jokingly, that Eric would most likely end up being the court jester.


thespoof--2020-08-30--Captions To Be Used For Donald Trump’s Future Speeches

The networks have decided , to avoid any misunderstandings during a future speech given by Donald Trump ( that could perhaps accidentally ignite World War III ) , to introduce the addition of captions at the bottom of the screen .
Just above the crawl .
Like a foreign film or speeches given by foreign non-English speaking dignitaries , Donald Trump needs assistance with his language skills .
His big sister can not provide this kind of assistance .
Yes , he does manage to successfully get his point across about some things or activities , like : Grabbing a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clear .
Aye , aye , sir !
However , during his 70-minute acceptance speech at the Republican Convention , while on the south lawn , in front of the White House , he managed to slur some words or mispronounce other words , substituting one word for another , that misconstrued the meaning of his sentence .
Though Mr. Trump is a senior citizen , and refuses to wear glasses ( or the mask ) , misreading a sentence could be catastrophic !
Of course , not wearing a mask could be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump said : He profoundly accepted the nomination .
Instead , he should have said : He proudly accepted the nomination .
Close , but no cigar .
Profoundly , suggests a desperate , Thank you , god , stumbling , bumbling , I made it by my bone spurs , acceptance to the nomination .
Captions would have instantly reassured the viewer .
And they will in the future , particularly at Oval Office signings .
`` What did he just sign ? ''
Read more by this author : • Buy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Bell , at Amazon.com

The networks have decided, to avoid any misunderstandings during a future speech given by Donald Trump (that could perhaps accidentally ignite World War III), to introduce the addition of captions at the bottom of the screen. Just above the crawl.
Like a foreign film or speeches given by foreign non-English speaking dignitaries, Donald Trump needs assistance with his language skills. His big sister cannot provide this kind of assistance.
Yes, he does manage to successfully get his point across about some things or activities, like: Grabbing a woman by the pussy. Loud and clear. Aye, aye, sir!
However, during his 70-minute acceptance speech at the Republican Convention, while on the south lawn, in front of the White House, he managed to slur some words or mispronounce other words, substituting one word for another, that misconstrued the meaning of his sentence.
Though Mr. Trump is a senior citizen, and refuses to wear glasses (or the mask), misreading a sentence could be catastrophic! Of course, not wearing a mask could be deadly.
In his speech, Mr. Trump said: He profoundly accepted the nomination.
Instead, he should have said: He proudly accepted the nomination. Close, but no cigar.
Profoundly, suggests a desperate, Thank you, god, stumbling, bumbling, I made it by my bone spurs, acceptance to the nomination.
Proudly, announces: Okay, game on.
Captions would have instantly reassured the viewer. And they will in the future, particularly at Oval Office signings.
"What did he just sign?"
"His resignation?"
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-08-30--Biden To Have Head Hermetically Sealed In Bubble

BILLINGSGATE POST : In a last-minute face-saving development , the handlers of Joe Biden demanded that Biden ’ s head be put into a hermetically-sealed bubble during the three scheduled debates .
To preclude brain fermentation during the debate , Biden advisors are demanding that the bubble not only be hermetically sealed , they are also asking that the temperature within the bubble be lowered to minus 20 degrees Fahrenheit , so that Biden does not sweat so profusely .
Smelling a rat ( genera Rattus ) , Trump advisors countered with a proposal that would lower the temperature to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dry Biden ’ s brain to preclude him from flip-flopping on his positions during the debate .
Research has shown that the Splendid Splinter , Ted Williams , has not changed his views on any position since his brain was cryogenically frozen at that temperature back a few years ago .
As is its policy , THE BILLINGSGATE POST will stand behind this story with no caveats other than advising readers that providing journalism unabridged , uncensored and most importantly , without proof , is a thankless mission .
Slim : “ It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ receive an award for this story.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
Perhaps .
But not in this world .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: In a last-minute face-saving development, the handlers of Joe Biden demanded that Biden’s head be put into a hermetically-sealed bubble during the three scheduled debates.
To preclude brain fermentation during the debate, Biden advisors are demanding that the bubble not only be hermetically sealed, they are also asking that the temperature within the bubble be lowered to minus 20 degrees Fahrenheit, so that Biden does not sweat so profusely.
Smelling a rat (genera Rattus), Trump advisors countered with a proposal that would lower the temperature to minus 120 degrees, hoping to freeze dry Biden’s brain to preclude him from flip-flopping on his positions during the debate. Research has shown that the Splendid Splinter, Ted Williams, has not changed his views on any position since his brain was cryogenically frozen at that temperature back a few years ago.
As is its policy, THE BILLINGSGATE POST will stand behind this story with no caveats other than advising readers that providing journalism unabridged, uncensored and most importantly, without proof, is a thankless mission.
Slim: “It’s inevitable that Doctor Billingsgate will receive an award for this story.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Perhaps. But not in this world.”


thespoof--2020-08-30--Biden Coughs Up Hairball On “The View”, Whoopi Goldberg Loses Lunch

BILLINGSGATE POST : It had to happen to Joe Biden sooner or later .
No matter how fastidious he might be , if you have a penchant for sniffing hair , someday an alarming and somewhat disgusting thing will happen to you .
After coming out of his basement , former Vice President Biden sat down with “ The View ” for his first extended interview since announcing his run for president .
After being welcomed with open arms by the all-female panel , Biden started to retch convulsively for a moment or two , and spit up what appeared @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , what he disgorged was a trichobezoar - a wad of of undigested hair that is commonly referred to as a hairball .
Immediately - and without explanation - the show cut to a commercial break as Whoopi Goldberg lost her lunch .
Regurgitated hairballs are variable in size ; though usually about an inch long , they can be as long as five inches , and an inch thick .
The color is mainly that of the sniffee ’ s hair , somewhat darkened by the color of the sniffer ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , such as green bile .
The ejected matter will typically have an unpleasant but tolerable odor .
Hairballs are the unsavory by-product of a prevert ’ s attraction to a woman ’ s hair .
As your prevert sniffs the sniffee ’ s hairdo , he ingests a lot of loose hair .
This happens because the tiny backward-slanted projections ( papillae ) that roughen the surface of the tongue propel the hair down the throat and into the stomach .
Unfortunately , the main structural component of the hair — a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ — is indigestible .
While most of the swallowed hair eventually passes through the digestive tract and gets excreted intact in the feces , some of it remains in the stomach , and gradually accumulates into a damp clump — the hairball .
Although laxatives may be effective in enabling passage of a stubborn hairball , Dr. Billingsgate strongly advises hair sniffers never to take a laxative without the approval and supervision of a physician .
The same advice applies to the use of commercial diets that claim to be effective in preventing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : “ You are who you eat.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
I think you should become a vegan.
” DISCLAIMER : As is its stated policy , THE BILLINGSGATE POST will stand behind this story with no caveats or carve-outs ; other than advising readers that providing journalism unabridged , uncensored and most importantly , without proof , is a thankless mission .

BILLINGSGATE POST: It had to happen to Joe Biden sooner or later. No matter how fastidious he might be, if you have a penchant for sniffing hair, someday an alarming and somewhat disgusting thing will happen to you.
After coming out of his basement, former Vice President Biden sat down with “The View” for his first extended interview since announcing his run for president. After being welcomed with open arms by the all-female panel, Biden started to retch convulsively for a moment or two, and spit up what appeared to be a damp clump. Actually, what he disgorged was a trichobezoar - a wad of of undigested hair that is commonly referred to as a hairball.
Immediately - and without explanation - the show cut to a commercial break as Whoopi Goldberg lost her lunch.
“ WTF was that?” asked Joy Behar.
Regurgitated hairballs are variable in size; though usually about an inch long, they can be as long as five inches, and an inch thick. The color is mainly that of the sniffee’s hair, somewhat darkened by the color of the sniffer’s last meal and various other gastric secretions, such as green bile. The ejected matter will typically have an unpleasant but tolerable odor.
Hairballs are the unsavory by-product of a prevert’s attraction to a woman’s hair. As your prevert sniffs the sniffee’s hairdo, he ingests a lot of loose hair. This happens because the tiny backward-slanted projections (papillae) that roughen the surface of the tongue propel the hair down the throat and into the stomach. Unfortunately, the main structural component of the hair — a tough, insoluble protein substance called keratin — is indigestible. While most of the swallowed hair eventually passes through the digestive tract and gets excreted intact in the feces, some of it remains in the stomach, and gradually accumulates into a damp clump — the hairball.
Although laxatives may be effective in enabling passage of a stubborn hairball, Dr. Billingsgate strongly advises hair sniffers never to take a laxative without the approval and supervision of a physician. The same advice applies to the use of commercial diets that claim to be effective in preventing or relieving such an incident.
Slim: “You are who you eat.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I think you should become a vegan.”
DISCLAIMER: As is its stated policy, THE BILLINGSGATE POST will stand behind this story with no caveats or carve-outs; other than advising readers that providing journalism unabridged, uncensored and most importantly, without proof, is a thankless mission.


thespoof--2020-08-30--Biden – ‘A Vote For Me is a Vote For an Occasional Slow News Day’

DOVER – The Biden campaign has taken a new approach in the presidential campaign .
Citing news overload in recent @ @ @ @ @ a few days of slow news .
“ By our records , the last slow @ @ @ @ @ was March 23 , 2015 .
Between Covid , Brexit , and Trump , there @ @ @ @ @ of news .
With me in the White House , I assure you , there @ @ @ @ @ day at least once a quarter .
It might just be a Friday in August @ @ @ @ @ that to you , ” said Biden .
“ I will not fire intelligence officials @ @ @ @ @ that anyone drink bleach .
Hell , I ’ ll even shut down my twitter @ @ @ @ @ Democratic nominee .
Presidential experts expect that Biden could bring a new period of slow @ @ @ @ @ Eisenhower years .

DOVER – The Biden campaign has taken a new approach in the presidential campaign. Citing news overload in recent years, he has promised a few days of slow news.
“By our records, the last slow news day in the US was March 23, 2015. Between Covid, Brexit, and Trump, there have been nothing but avalanches of news. With me in the White House, I assure you, there will be a slow news day at least once a quarter. It might just be a Friday in August, but we will get that to you,” said Biden.
“I will not fire intelligence officials, promote Neo-Nazis or suggest that anyone drink bleach. Hell, I’ll even shut down my twitter account,” promised the Democratic nominee.
Presidential experts expect that Biden could bring a new period of slow news not seen since the Eisenhower years.


thespoof--2020-08-31--China’s President Xi Jinping Says He's Had it with President Donald Trump and The Gloves are Coming

China’s President Xi Jinping Says He's Had it with President Donald Trump and The Gloves are Coming Off

HONG KONG – ( Trivia News ) - In a move that the civilized world is referring to as the epitome of a tit-for-tat game , China ’ s leader Xi Jinping has decided to rub tit-tatting in Trump ’ s face .
The Chinese leader said that he has had it up to his ears with Trump continuing to stubbornly refer to the Coronavirus as the Chinese Flu , the Kung Flu , and the Oriental Ouchie .
Jinping has told Trump to stop it at least 17 times , but he notes that it ’ s like talking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , in Donald ’ s case , a Vienna Sausage .
The Chinese leader says he has grown to hate Trump more and more each day , and he now sees why the Democrats , Senator Mitt Romney , and Don Lemon can not stand old “ Bozo Face ” .
Xi knows DJT ’ s penchant for tits , so he will now engage him in a game of tit-for-tat , and he will start to refer to the dreaded Coronavirus as the Comrade Trumpovich Flu , The Liar-in-Chief Flu , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Russian leader Vladimir Putin reportedly texted Queen Elizabeth and told her that it ’ s like being at the circus ; no elephants , but plenty of clowns .
”

HONG KONG – (Trivia News) - In a move that the civilized world is referring to as the epitome of a tit-for-tat game, China’s leader Xi Jinping has decided to rub tit-tatting in Trump’s face.
The Chinese leader said that he has had it up to his ears with Trump continuing to stubbornly refer to the Coronavirus as the Chinese Flu, the Kung Flu, and the Oriental Ouchie.
Jinping has told Trump to stop it at least 17 times, but he notes that it’s like talking to a friggin hot dog, or, in Donald’s case, a Vienna Sausage.
The Chinese leader says he has grown to hate Trump more and more each day, and he now sees why the Democrats, Senator Mitt Romney, and Don Lemon cannot stand old “Bozo Face”.
Xi knows DJT’s penchant for tits, so he will now engage him in a game of tit-for-tat, and he will start to refer to the dreaded Coronavirus as the Comrade Trumpovich Flu, The Liar-in-Chief Flu, and The Trump Tiny Fingers Flu.
Meanwhile, Russian leader Vladimir Putin reportedly texted Queen Elizabeth and told her that it’s like being at the circus; no elephants, but plenty of clowns.”
The Queen texted back, “True that.”


thespoof--2020-08-31--A Noted Meteorologist Says The California Wildfires are Being Fanned by the Coronavirus

AVOCADO HEIGHTS , California – ( Satire News ) - One of the nation ’ s leading meteorologists has just @ @ @ @ @ California ’ s wildfires are being fanned by the Coronavirus .
Dr. Irving Ortega stated @ @ @ @ @ extensive study , he and his team , known as the Coronapalooza Busters , have @ @ @ @ @ bacterial microbe component found in C-19 cells that , when heated up , tend to @ @ @ @ @ normal size .
Dr. Ortega said that 's equivalent to pouring gasoline , kerosene , @ @ @ @ @ Johnny Walker Red on the flames .
The doctor was asked what could be done @ @ @ @ @ wildfires from spreading more .
He took off his Houston Astros cap and replied that @ @ @ @ @ answer to that question , he would be richer than LeBron James , Tom Brady @ @ @ @ @ .

AVOCADO HEIGHTS, California – (Satire News) - One of the nation’s leading meteorologists has just announced that 89% of California’s wildfires are being fanned by the Coronavirus.
Dr. Irving Ortega stated that, after a 16-week extensive study, he and his team, known as the Coronapalooza Busters, have determined that there is a bacterial microbe component found in C-19 cells that, when heated up, tend to expand to 9.3 times their normal size.
Dr. Ortega said that's equivalent to pouring gasoline, kerosene, alcohol, propane, and Johnny Walker Red on the flames.
The doctor was asked what could be done in order to prevent the wildfires from spreading more.
He took off his Houston Astros cap and replied that, if he knew the answer to that question, he would be richer than LeBron James, Tom Brady, and Jose Altuve combined.


thespoof--2020-08-31--Political Pundits Say The Double-Haters Will Vote For Joe Biden

CHICAGO – ( Satire News ) - The political clock is tick-tocking away , and it 's just mere weeks before the presidential election arrives , and many say it can ’ t get here quick enough .
Reuters is reporting that both campaigns are confident that each one is going to be victorious .
GOP campaign manager Peter “ Pepe ” Von Vixen , says that he is so positive that Trump is going to be re-elected that he has made a $ 45,000 bet with his maternal grandmother .
The Biden camp has said that they are so @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are already making plans to take down all the White House portraits of President Andrew Jackson , who was one of the biggest racists of all time .
Meanwhile , Reuters has learned that the President recently met with a golf course architect about putting in a two-hole golf course , in back of the White House .
Both campaigns have made note of the fact that the double-haters , those who do not like Trump nor Biden , will most likely vote for Biden .
MSNBC pointed out that the reason is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ those double-haters will vote for Biden , since they say he won ’ t be spending every other day out on the links like Trump does .

CHICAGO – (Satire News) - The political clock is tick-tocking away, and it's just mere weeks before the presidential election arrives, and many say it can’t get here quick enough.
Reuters is reporting that both campaigns are confident that each one is going to be victorious.
GOP campaign manager Peter “Pepe” Von Vixen, says that he is so positive that Trump is going to be re-elected that he has made a $45,000 bet with his maternal grandmother.
The Biden camp has said that they are so sure of a Biden victory that they are already making plans to take down all the White House portraits of President Andrew Jackson, who was one of the biggest racists of all time.
Meanwhile, Reuters has learned that the President recently met with a golf course architect about putting in a two-hole golf course, in back of the White House.
Both campaigns have made note of the fact that the double-haters, those who do not like Trump nor Biden, will most likely vote for Biden.
MSNBC pointed out that the reason is because Biden hates golf, so therefore those double-haters will vote for Biden, since they say he won’t be spending every other day out on the links like Trump does.


thespoof--2020-08-31--Trump Clinks 3 Bottles Together, asks Biden to ‘Come out and play-ee-ay’

WASHINGTON – In a move designed to appeal to the 51 to 56-year-old demographic , Donald Trump appeared in the @ @ @ @ @ three empty beer bottles .
He held them by sticking 3 fingers of his right @ @ @ @ @ and then started clinking them together .
This was followed by a loud a raspy @ @ @ @ @ Joe Biden , to ‘ come out and play-ee-ay ’ .
He repeated this several @ @ @ @ @ corps .
When one reporter asked him why he was doing this , he replied @ @ @ @ @ I just like doing things like that .
Can you dig it ?
”

WASHINGTON – In a move designed to appeal to the 51 to 56-year-old demographic, Donald Trump appeared in the Rose Garden this morning with three empty beer bottles. He held them by sticking 3 fingers of his right hand into the bottle necks and then started clinking them together.
This was followed by a loud a raspy appeal to his opponent, Joe Biden, to ‘come out and play-ee-ay’. He repeated this several times to an astonished press corps. When one reporter asked him why he was doing this, he replied: “No reason. I just like doing things like that. Can you dig it?”


thespoof--2020-08-31--New equation proves existence of alien Steely Dan

First there was the Drake Equation , devised in 1961 , which theorised the existence of alien civilisations , and now a New York scientist has gone one better by proving that the existence of an alien version of the 1970s jazz rock band Steely Dan is a fundamental prerequisite of the cosmos .
Doctor Johnny Chow , who lives in the back of an Oldsmobile with languid , bittersweet women of the night , was interviewed yesterday about his breakthrough .
“ My equation envisions several Steely Dan-type worlds or universes .
In one scenario , an alien Walter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ resources on Planet X , and are worshipped as gods by a race of expanding men .
In another universe , they lead a rebel army against a sort of anti-Dan who lives in the sky dining on wine from a paper bag .
My unified field Dan theory rules out a cosmos in which Steely Dan are absent .
This is important for everyone who owns Steely Dan albums but are ashamed to admit it .
These albums are primordial artefacts , not something that supposedly creep women out as soon as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I think it ’ s important to keep in mind these many world Dan scenarios , a sort of Dan multiverse.
” Chow , who is being financially supported by Bill Murray , was removed from his car yesterday by a committee of concerned relatives .
His brother described the situation as very tragic .
“ He is very high .
It is a crying disgrace.
” Chow says he intends next to mathematically prove that the environment can only be saved if people start speaking in Michael McDonald falsetto , as it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and marine life .
”

First there was the Drake Equation, devised in 1961, which theorised the existence of alien civilisations, and now a New York scientist has gone one better by proving that the existence of an alien version of the 1970s jazz rock band Steely Dan is a fundamental prerequisite of the cosmos.
Doctor Johnny Chow, who lives in the back of an Oldsmobile with languid, bittersweet women of the night, was interviewed yesterday about his breakthrough. “My equation envisions several Steely Dan-type worlds or universes. In one scenario, an alien Walter Becker and Donald Fagen control all mineral resources on Planet X, and are worshipped as gods by a race of expanding men. In another universe, they lead a rebel army against a sort of anti-Dan who lives in the sky dining on wine from a paper bag. My unified field Dan theory rules out a cosmos in which Steely Dan are absent. This is important for everyone who owns Steely Dan albums but are ashamed to admit it. These albums are primordial artefacts, not something that supposedly creep women out as soon as you stick one on the turntable. I think it’s important to keep in mind these many world Dan scenarios, a sort of Dan multiverse.”
Chow, who is being financially supported by Bill Murray, was removed from his car yesterday by a committee of concerned relatives. His brother described the situation as very tragic. “He is very high. It is a crying disgrace.” Chow says he intends next to mathematically prove that the environment can only be saved if people start speaking in Michael McDonald falsetto, as it’s “more soothing for deer and marine life.”


thespoof--2020-09-01--Biden: Can’t Wait To Get Into Kamala’s Snickers

BILLINGSGATE POST : Yesterday , in his first appearance on the campaign trail since coming out of his basement , @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t resist chocolates and had a secret craving for Snickers .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ get into Kamala ’ s Snickers .
That ’ s why I chose her for @ @ @ @ @ I nuzzle her hair , she knows what I want.
” With that , he @ @ @ @ @ taking any questions from the reporters , who were left with their mouths agape , @ @ @ @ @ had just heard .
Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
But you don ’ @ @ @ @ @ whole box.
” DISCLAIMER : Upon the advice of my attorney , as is its @ @ @ @ @ POST will stand behind this story with no caveats or carve-outs ; other than advising @ @ @ @ @ , uncensored and most importantly , without proof , is a thankless mission .

BILLINGSGATE POST: Yesterday, in his first appearance on the campaign trail since coming out of his basement, Joe Biden mentioned that he couldn’t resist chocolates and had a secret craving for Snickers.
“I can’t wait to get into Kamala’s Snickers. That’s why I chose her for my running mate. Whenever I nuzzle her hair, she knows what I want.”
With that, he left the press conference without taking any questions from the reporters, who were left with their mouths agape, not quite comprehending what they had just heard.
Slim: “Nothing wrong with liking chocolate.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. But you don’t have to eat the whole box.”
DISCLAIMER: Upon the advice of my attorney, as is its stated policy, THE BILLINGSGATE POST will stand behind this story with no caveats or carve-outs; other than advising readers that providing journalism unabridged, uncensored and most importantly, without proof, is a thankless mission.


thespoof--2020-09-01--Lady Liberty to go nuclear

Lady Liberty to go nuclear

US Congress has just passed a bill enabling the Armed Forces of the United States to take possession of the @ @ @ @ @ York , and to convert it into a nuclear missile launching site .
It is @ @ @ @ @ looking at storing about 40 missiles that would be held beneath the statue .
This @ @ @ @ @ , and means that other iconic sites could also be corralled by the Armed Forces @ @ @ @ @ turned into a nuclear silo .
The head of the US Army denied any talk @ @ @ @ @ , could be converted into a missile , and launched at any time , when @ @

US Congress has just passed a bill enabling the Armed Forces of the United States to take possession of the Statue of Liberty in New York, and to convert it into a nuclear missile launching site.
It is believed that the Army are looking at storing about 40 missiles that would be held beneath the statue. This sort of action is unprecedented, and means that other iconic sites could also be corralled by the Armed Forces. Imagine Mount Rushmore being turned into a nuclear silo.
The head of the US Army denied any talk that the statue, itself, could be converted into a missile, and launched at any time, when needed.


thespoof--2020-09-01--Congressman Adam Schiff Wins Prestigious Sisyphus Award

As if the last three years of accusations had been insufficient , and his fans in Cloud Cuckoo Land ( otherwise known as MSNBC viewers ) were demanding an encore , Congressman Adam Schiff has issued a new warning , that the Russians are back , and they are hoping , once again , to steal an election for Donald Trump .
“ The Russians are coming , again , ” said Mr. Schiff , flatly .
`` And I have the new evidence .
Although , naturally , I can not reveal it , I do intend to leak @ @ @ @ @ @ @ . ''
While few , even in the credulous left wing press , take Schiff 's paranoid reflex seriously , his latest salvo was apparently enough to put him over the top of some fierce competition , winning him this year ’ s Sisyphus Prize , awarded annually by the prize-happy Swedes , for exhibiting heroic persistence in the face of utter futility .
As Sisyphus was punished by the Gods by being compelled to roll a great boulder up the side of a mountain , only to have it roll back over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , always with the same result , so Mr. Schiff has been indefatigable in his efforts to topple Trump , despite the ever-dwindling number of people who can bear to hear the sound of his voice .
Mr. Schiff , gracious in this small victory , and allowing himself a moment to wallow in defeat and inhale the aroma of blissful irrelevance , accepted the prize while insisting , with no obvious attempt at self parody , that he still has in his possession absolute and irrefutable evidence of Trump ’ s 2016 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by now , it is a little dusty and smells of mildew .
However , his new charges are backed by fresh new evidence , which he has , for safekeeping , already shared with the new UFO secretariat housed in Area 59 .
`` The truth is now finally out there , '' Mr. Schiff said , giving his audience a meaningful look , `` because I put it out there . ''
In a touching and thankfully humanizing finale for a wooden man often mistaken for a Star Trek holograph of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at other times , a flesh-toned , ambulatory Alexa estranged from its internet connection , Schiff confessed that , while he was grateful to the Swedes for their acknowledgement of his humongous and spectacular failure , he had secretly hoped to win their “ Little Engine That Could Award ” .
Alas , it was not to be .
`` That was what I wanted .
But the Russians , you see , '' Mr. Schiff said , `` they are everywhere and they know everything . ''
According to unnamed sources , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ win the Sisyphus award again in 2021 .

As if the last three years of accusations had been insufficient, and his fans in Cloud Cuckoo Land (otherwise known as MSNBC viewers) were demanding an encore, Congressman Adam Schiff has issued a new warning, that the Russians are back, and they are hoping, once again, to steal an election for Donald Trump. “The Russians are coming, again,” said Mr. Schiff, flatly. "And I have the new evidence. Although, naturally, I cannot reveal it, I do intend to leak the juicy bits to the Washington Post."
While few, even in the credulous left wing press, take Schiff's paranoid reflex seriously, his latest salvo was apparently enough to put him over the top of some fierce competition, winning him this year’s Sisyphus Prize, awarded annually by the prize-happy Swedes, for exhibiting heroic persistence in the face of utter futility. As Sisyphus was punished by the Gods by being compelled to roll a great boulder up the side of a mountain, only to have it roll back over him and then begin again and again, always with the same result, so Mr. Schiff has been indefatigable in his efforts to topple Trump, despite the ever-dwindling number of people who can bear to hear the sound of his voice.
Mr. Schiff, gracious in this small victory, and allowing himself a moment to wallow in defeat and inhale the aroma of blissful irrelevance, accepted the prize while insisting, with no obvious attempt at self parody, that he still has in his possession absolute and irrefutable evidence of Trump’s 2016 collusion with the Russians, although, by now, it is a little dusty and smells of mildew. However, his new charges are backed by fresh new evidence, which he has, for safekeeping, already shared with the new UFO secretariat housed in Area 59. "The truth is now finally out there," Mr. Schiff said, giving his audience a meaningful look, "because I put it out there."
In a touching and thankfully humanizing finale for a wooden man often mistaken for a Star Trek holograph of a spindly alien life form and, at other times, a flesh-toned, ambulatory Alexa estranged from its internet connection, Schiff confessed that, while he was grateful to the Swedes for their acknowledgement of his humongous and spectacular failure, he had secretly hoped to win their “Little Engine That Could Award”. Alas, it was not to be. "That was what I wanted. But the Russians, you see," Mr. Schiff said, "they are everywhere and they know everything."
According to unnamed sources, Mr Schiff is the odds-on favorite to win the Sisyphus award again in 2021.


thespoof--2020-09-02--President Trump Tells a Group of High School Students They Don’t Have to Wear Their COVID-19 Masks

TARANTULA FALLS , Rhode Island – ( Satire News ) - The 45th president and his top adviser , Ivanka @ @ @ @ @ Falls , Rhode Island , to speak before an assembly of students at Mrs. Paul @ @ @ @ @ told the 147 students not to worry about wearing COVID-19 masks , because there is @ @ @ @ @ wearing masks will prevent you from getting the Coronavirus .
The students cheered , and @ @ @ @ @ years !
Four more years !
” Some could also be heard chanting , `` @ @ @ @ @ ! ''
DJT turned to Ivanka and said that it was great to see that @ @ @ @ @ he were Bruno Mars .
The “ White House Barbie Doll ” replied that she @ @ @ @ @ such a wonderful , intelligent , handsome , and rich-as-hell daddy .
Trump grinned form @ @ @ @ @ give him a kiss on the mouth .

TARANTULA FALLS, Rhode Island – (Satire News) - The 45th president and his top adviser, Ivanka Trump, traveled to Tarantula Falls, Rhode Island, to speak before an assembly of students at Mrs. Paul Revere High School.
Trump told the 147 students not to worry about wearing COVID-19 masks, because there is really no conclusive proof that wearing masks will prevent you from getting the Coronavirus.
The students cheered, and began chanting “Four more years! Four more years!”
Some could also be heard chanting, "Trump sucks! Trump sucks!"
DJT turned to Ivanka and said that it was great to see that teenagers love him as if he were Bruno Mars.
The “White House Barbie Doll” replied that she was so lucky to have such a wonderful, intelligent, handsome, and rich-as-hell daddy.
Trump grinned form ear-to-ear and told her to give him a kiss on the mouth.
Ivanka replied, “I’m good.”


thespoof--2020-09-02--So Nancy Pelosi Didn’t Wear A Face Mask

So Nancy Pelosi Didn’t Wear A Face Mask

The sky fell !
Boom .
Every Republican is pointing fingers at Nancy Pelosi because she didn ’ t wear a face mask while having her hair shampooed .
Kind of impossible to wear a mask while your hair is being shampooed .
Do you think she should have held a stick-fan in front of her face during the process ?
How many seconds did she go without a face mask ?
Maybe she held her breath ?
Like guard dogs , Fox News broadcast film of the Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi walking from the shampoo sink to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the sheriff !
Lock her up !
The Trump mantra for professional women .
Maybe she was holding her breath ?
Perhaps , she 's a Navy Seal ?
Navy Seals can go for days without breathing .
Did she shoot anyone in the back seven times ?
Did she truck cross country to Kenosha , guns firing , flags waving , wearing a MAGA hat , looking for a fight ?
Did she vandalize any city-owned property ?
How many times did she attack peaceful demonstrators ?
Did she have mounted police @ @ @ @ @ @ @ square so she could stand in front of a church , hold up a bible ( upside-down ) , and say , “ See me ?
Look over here .
Yeah , cameras right here .
Showtime ! ''
Did the Speaker of the House look the other way and make an absurd analogy about her golf game when asked about Russians paying bounties to kill American soldiers ?
Did she ever say Nazis were good people ?
Is she trying to get reelected and stop a fair election by dismantling the United @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her tax returns ?
Did she yell BONE SPURS !
before the birth of each of her five children ?
So , get outta here .
Nancy Pelosi made San Francisco her hometown , and Pelosi can even call it Frisco .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

The sky fell! Boom. Every Republican is pointing fingers at Nancy Pelosi because she didn’t wear a face mask while having her hair shampooed.
Kind of impossible to wear a mask while your hair is being shampooed. Do you think she should have held a stick-fan in front of her face during the process? How many seconds did she go without a face mask? Maybe she held her breath?
Like guard dogs, Fox News broadcast film of the Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi walking from the shampoo sink to the hairstylist station. Wow! Get the sheriff! Lock her up! The Trump mantra for professional women.
Maybe she was holding her breath? Perhaps, she's a Navy Seal? Navy Seals can go for days without breathing.
Wait a second.
Did she shoot anyone in the back seven times? Did she truck cross country to Kenosha, guns firing, flags waving, wearing a MAGA hat, looking for a fight? Did she vandalize any city-owned property?
How many times did she attack peaceful demonstrators? Did she have mounted police and the military clear out a D.C. square so she could stand in front of a church, hold up a bible (upside-down), and say, “See me? Look over here. Yeah, cameras right here. Showtime!"
Did the Speaker of the House look the other way and make an absurd analogy about her golf game when asked about Russians paying bounties to kill American soldiers?
Did she ever say Nazis were good people? Is she trying to get reelected and stop a fair election by dismantling the United States Postal Service? Is she hiding her tax returns?
Did she yell BONE SPURS! before the birth of each of her five children?
So, get outta here. Nancy Pelosi made San Francisco her hometown, and Pelosi can even call it Frisco.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-09-02--Oatmeal Successfully Brainwashes Another Generation

A mushy pile of milled oat grains has somehow convinced another generation of Americans that it is a viable breakfast option .
A recent study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania has revealed that teens and young adults enjoy eating oatmeal , just like their fathers ’ fathers , and their fathers ’ fathers before them .
The crafty collection of white oats continues to evolve its strategy for brainwashing the American people .
In 1929 , oatmeal exploited its control over the federal bank to create an extreme recession that would force Americans to practice cheap eating habits , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 1963 , the cynical efforts continued with the introduction of the flavor “ maple and brown sugar ” , which , to this day , holds tremendous power over the average American household .
The latest strategy is the boldest yet .
Instead of convincing today ’ s youth that oatmeal itself tastes good , the oat concoction weaves an intricate web of deception that convinces individuals that oatmeal tastes great when other ingredients are added .
Fruit , chocolate chips and peanut butter are popular accomplices to this scheme .
Responses from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the effects of oatmeal ’ s covert propaganda .
“ I love to mix in fresh blueberries and banana into my oatmeal in the morning , ” one woman said .
“ I ’ ve eaten oatmeal for breakfast every day so far this week , ” confessed another .
When asked if they wouldn ’ t prefer something like an omelette or pancakes for breakfast instead , the subjects in the study scrambled to provide an answer that didn ’ t dismiss oatmeal .
“ Well , yeah , but who has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most common response , elevating the once-radical theory that oatmeal can manipulate time and space .

A mushy pile of milled oat grains has somehow convinced another generation of Americans that it is a viable breakfast option.
A recent study conducted at the University of Pennsylvania has revealed that teens and young adults enjoy eating oatmeal, just like their fathers’ fathers, and their fathers’ fathers before them.
The crafty collection of white oats continues to evolve its strategy for brainwashing the American people.
In 1929, oatmeal exploited its control over the federal bank to create an extreme recession that would force Americans to practice cheap eating habits, like having oatmeal for breakfast.
In 1963, the cynical efforts continued with the introduction of the flavor “maple and brown sugar”, which, to this day, holds tremendous power over the average American household.
The latest strategy is the boldest yet. Instead of convincing today’s youth that oatmeal itself tastes good, the oat concoction weaves an intricate web of deception that convinces individuals that oatmeal tastes great when other ingredients are added. Fruit, chocolate chips and peanut butter are popular accomplices to this scheme.
Responses from subjects involved in the recent study revealed the effects of oatmeal’s covert propaganda.
“I love to mix in fresh blueberries and banana into my oatmeal in the morning,” one woman said.
“I’ve eaten oatmeal for breakfast every day so far this week,” confessed another.
When asked if they wouldn’t prefer something like an omelette or pancakes for breakfast instead, the subjects in the study scrambled to provide an answer that didn’t dismiss oatmeal.
“Well, yeah, but who has time for that?” was the most common response, elevating the once-radical theory that oatmeal can manipulate time and space.


thespoof--2020-09-03--Meghan Markle says Melania Trump's green dress was from Primark

Meghan Markle , the wife of Prince Harry , has become involved in a controversy after commenting that Melania Trump @ @ @ @ @ Donald Trump , wore a dress to the Republican Convention which she , herself , @ @ @ @ @ the online clothing section of the UK fashion retailer , Primark .
Markle says the @ @ @ @ @ £10 , or $ 13 .
Mrs. Trump has denied this , claiming that the @ @ @ @ @ major fashion designer whose name she could n't immediately recall .
She says it cost @ @ @ @ @ $ 3,000 .
Markle says she regularly browses the Primark website , now that she @ @ @ @ @ to ditch the royal lifestyle , and that she has often ordered socks and underwear @ @ @ @ @ as a cheap fucker nightgown for herself .

Meghan Markle, the wife of Prince Harry, has become involved in a controversy after commenting that Melania Trump, the wife of President Donald Trump, wore a dress to the Republican Convention which she, herself, has seen for sale in the online clothing section of the UK fashion retailer, Primark.
Markle says the dress cost a very reasonable £10, or $13.
Mrs. Trump has denied this, claiming that the dress was designed by a major fashion designer whose name she couldn't immediately recall.
She says it cost the US taxpayer more than $3,000.
Markle says she regularly browses the Primark website, now that she and her husband have decided to ditch the royal lifestyle, and that she has often ordered socks and underwear for Harry, as well as a cheap fucker nightgown for herself.


Lucky Too-toos

Luck be a lady tonight !
The South Carolina Education Lottery drew the winning numbers of 2-2-2-2 and what do @ @ @ @ @ people won !
Over $ 3.5 million in winnings will be paid out to these @ @ @ @ @ : last week 's winning numbers were 1-1-1-1 .
We look forward to next week @ @ @ @ @ already been confirmed .
I wonder what they will be .
Well , it looks @ @ @ @ @ up on challenging us .
If anyone wants to make a quick buck and get @ @ @ @ @ is your chance .
In an unrelated story , hurricanes are expected throughout this week @

Luck be a lady tonight! The South Carolina Education Lottery drew the winning numbers of 2-2-2-2 and what do you know? - 1,400 people won! Over $3.5 million in winnings will be paid out to these guys.
And to re-cap: last week's winning numbers were 1-1-1-1. We look forward to next week's winning numbers that have already been confirmed. I wonder what they will be.
Well, it looks like the lottery has given up on challenging us. If anyone wants to make a quick buck and get in on this, now is your chance.
In an unrelated story, hurricanes are expected throughout this week.


Shopping Bears

Local bears have been shopping in local convenience stores and store managers are angry .
They say the bears drive @ @ @ @ @ customers , eat all their honey , and they only pay with cash , not @ @ @ @ @ n't even wear masks !
Many advocates for the bears say that they should be @ @ @ @ @ people do , since they have rights .
This popular group , People For Bears @ @ @ @ @ been protesting in the street .
Their protest prompted the People Against Bears , Porcupines @ @ @ @ @ have been counter-protesting on the next street .
Local neutral people that do n't want @ @ @ @ @ been staying home , drinking coffee , and shrugging their shoulders .
We expect things @ @ @ @ @ as kangaroos have been spotted in the woods outside of town .
We will continue @ @ @ @ @ keep you updated .

Local bears have been shopping in local convenience stores and store managers are angry. They say the bears drive out all of their other customers, eat all their honey, and they only pay with cash, not to mention, they don't even wear masks!
Many advocates for the bears say that they should be allowed to shop just as people do, since they have rights. This popular group, People For Bears Shopping with Us, have been protesting in the street.
Their protest prompted the People Against Bears, Porcupines and Pigs Shopping with Us have been counter-protesting on the next street.
Local neutral people that don't want to offend anyone have just been staying home, drinking coffee, and shrugging their shoulders.
We expect things to continue to heat up as kangaroos have been spotted in the woods outside of town.
We will continue to monitor this situation and keep you updated.


thespoof--2020-09-03--President Trump Announces That the Protestors’ New Weapons of Choice are Now Cans of Goya Beans

ANNAPOLIS , Maryland – ( Satire News ) - The President was in Annapolis getting fitted for a brand new @ @ @ @ @ to talk to a reporter with The Right Coast Revue .
Tilapia Frisbee asked him @ @ @ @ @ going to release his damn tax returns .
Trump turned as red as a Shanghai @ @ @ @ @ , and remarked that the protestors are now starting to use Goya Bean Cans as @ @ @ @ @ .
POTUS said that the bean cans are a lot cheaper than bricks , apples @ @ @ @ @ Oreo cookies .
When asked if he was , perchance , getting a kickback from @ @ @ @ @ Bean Company for mentioning their name over the national airwaves , Ivanka 's daddy got @ @ @ @ @ face and simply replied , “ Si.
” For those who may not know Spanish @ @ @ @ @ into English roughly means “ Yes , absolutely , for damn sure .
”

ANNAPOLIS, Maryland – (Satire News) - The President was in Annapolis getting fitted for a brand new toupee, when he stopped to talk to a reporter with The Right Coast Revue.
Tilapia Frisbee asked him when the hell he was going to release his damn tax returns. Trump turned as red as a Shanghai strawberry.
He quickly deflected, and remarked that the protestors are now starting to use Goya Bean Cans as their new weapons of choice.
POTUS said that the bean cans are a lot cheaper than bricks, apples, golf balls, and Oreo cookies.
When asked if he was, perchance, getting a kickback from the president of the Goya Bean Company for mentioning their name over the national airwaves, Ivanka's daddy got a shit-eating grin on his face and simply replied, “Si.”
For those who may not know Spanish, “Si” translated into English roughly means “Yes, absolutely, for damn sure.”


thespoof--2020-09-03--President Donald Trump Threatens To Cut Off The Beer Supply to Kenosha, Wisconsin

KENOSHA , Wisconsin – ( Satire News ) - The President convoyed into Kenosha like he was General Patton marching in to liberate Casablanca during World War II .
He was greeted by cheers and jeers , and lots of comments about his mama .
Many waved U.S. flags , some waved German flags , others waved Kenyan flags , and one scantily-dressed woman waved the French white flag .
Trump told the assembled crowd that he is tired of the rioting , the looting , the rap music , so he has decided to cut off the town ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that if that doesn ’ t settle everybody down , then , in order to bring peace to Kenosha , he may just order a damn air strike .
The crowd suddenly grew silent as his words caught the attention of everyone , including many of his base , who looked at each other quite puzzled .
One big , old , beer-bellied redneck asked , “ Hey Cletus , did Mr. Donald just say dat he gon na be bombin ’ our city ?
” “ Yep , dat be sho nuff @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his redneck buddy .
Several anti-Trumpers started laughing and told the two rednecks that the “ Fat Orange Bitch ” is getting nuttier than a Corsicana Fruitcake .
The two redneck Trump supporters didn ’ t say diddly squat .

KENOSHA, Wisconsin – (Satire News) - The President convoyed into Kenosha like he was General Patton marching in to liberate Casablanca during World War II.
He was greeted by cheers and jeers, and lots of comments about his mama.
Many waved U.S. flags, some waved German flags, others waved Kenyan flags, and one scantily-dressed woman waved the French white flag.
Trump told the assembled crowd that he is tired of the rioting, the looting, the rap music, so he has decided to cut off the town’s beer supply.
POTUS then added that if that doesn’t settle everybody down, then, in order to bring peace to Kenosha, he may just order a damn air strike.
The crowd suddenly grew silent as his words caught the attention of everyone, including many of his base, who looked at each other quite puzzled.
One big, old, beer-bellied redneck asked, “Hey Cletus, did Mr. Donald just say dat he gonna be bombin’ our city?”
“Yep, dat be sho nuff what he say ah ha” replied his redneck buddy.
Several anti-Trumpers started laughing and told the two rednecks that the “Fat Orange Bitch” is getting nuttier than a Corsicana Fruitcake.
The two redneck Trump supporters didn’t say diddly squat.


thespoof--2020-09-04--Man writes quick story, just to say he's done one today

A frequent contributor to an online satirical news website has spoken of how he quickly wrote a story in about ten minutes , just to say he 'd done one for today , and so that other contributors would n't get to totally monopolise the pages of The Spoof .
The writer , Harold Meaner , said he does n't appreciate the way certain writers ( or possibly even ' a writer ' ) regularly churn out insipid and meaningless stories as regular as clockwork each and every day .
`` It 's the same every day , '' he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump simply said this , and Trump simpmy said that , and then Trump simply said the other .
Melania 's often in there as well , and we are treated to examples of her eastern European accent when she speaks English .
What a waste of time and effort ! ''
He said that today 's story will probably not get many views , but it 's better for readers to have some choice , instead of just getting the same old rubbish thrust upon them every day from the same tired @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 's 256th spoof story , although he has n't yet produced any Magazine articles , Snippets , Diary Entries or Jokes .
He 's promised to have a go at some of those in the near future .

A frequent contributor to an online satirical news website has spoken of how he quickly wrote a story in about ten minutes, just to say he'd done one for today, and so that other contributors wouldn't get to totally monopolise the pages of The Spoof.
The writer, Harold Meaner, said he doesn't appreciate the way certain writers (or possibly even 'a writer') regularly churn out insipid and meaningless stories as regular as clockwork each and every day.
"It's the same every day," he said. "Some old nonsense about Trump simply said this, and Trump simpmy said that, and then Trump simply said the other. Melania's often in there as well, and we are treated to examples of her eastern European accent when she speaks English. What a waste of time and effort!"
He said that today's story will probably not get many views, but it's better for readers to have some choice, instead of just getting the same old rubbish thrust upon them every day from the same tired source.
This story is Mister Meaner's 256th spoof story, although he hasn't yet produced any Magazine articles, Snippets, Diary Entries or Jokes.
He's promised to have a go at some of those in the near future.


thespoof--2020-09-04--President Trump Complains That People in Guatemala are Receiving Mail-In Ballots for the U.S. Presid

President Trump Complains That People in Guatemala are Receiving Mail-In Ballots for the U.S. Presidential Election

CLAM CHOWDER CREEK , Massachusetts – ( Satire News ) - The Electoral College president was reportedly as mad as an ostrich with no feathers , when he learned about the latest in the mail-in ballots saga .
Trump was told that there are millions of people in Guatemala , who have received mail-in ballots for the upcoming U.S. presidential election .
Number 45 is blaming Nancy Pelosi , because he can no longer blame Elizabeth Warren , Amy Klobuchar , Tulsi Gabbard , or his former black aunt Tomasina 's , Diamond and Silk .
A White House insider @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Donald , when he got back to the White House , that he needed to take a bunch of chill pills .
He told her he had run out .
She then said that he better start getting with the program and realize what she has been saying since April .
Melania did not miss a beat as she said , “ I half bean telling tu ju , dat ju are going to get jur ass kicked all dee way from Maine to Idawhore – so as dey say in Meanysoda – @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ' ''

CLAM CHOWDER CREEK, Massachusetts – (Satire News) - The Electoral College president was reportedly as mad as an ostrich with no feathers, when he learned about the latest in the mail-in ballots saga.
Trump was told that there are millions of people in Guatemala, who have received mail-in ballots for the upcoming U.S. presidential election.
Number 45 is blaming Nancy Pelosi, because he can no longer blame Elizabeth Warren, Amy Klobuchar, Tulsi Gabbard, or his former black aunt Tomasina's, Diamond and Silk.
A White House insider said that the first lady reportedly told Donald, when he got back to the White House, that he needed to take a bunch of chill pills.
He told her he had run out.
She then said that he better start getting with the program and realize what she has been saying since April.
“And what’s that?” Trump asked.
Melania did not miss a beat as she said, “I half bean telling tu ju, dat ju are going to get jur ass kicked all dee way from Maine to Idawhore – so as dey say in Meanysoda – 'tuff titty, sed da kitty.'"


thespoof--2020-09-04--Was Biden’s Lap Dance Divinely Inspired?

BILLINGSGATE POST : Although a spokesperson for Joe Biden stands by his statement that Biden claims to be on first-name terms with God , he conceded that the old Obama sidekick was using a figure of speech when declaring that `` God and I call each other by our first names : I call him God , and he calls me Joe.
” Intrepid reporter , Detrick “ Dirty Trick ” Detwiler , reported he overheard Biden tell a lap dancer at the Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Club , `` God told me to end the tyranny between my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a lap dance ? ''
A spokesman for Biden quickly issued a terse denial last night , dismissing Dirty Trick ’ s comment as `` absurd . ''
The spokesperson said that Joe Biden , although a devout Christian , `` never said that . ''
Dirty Trick today stood by his recollection of the conversation , but accepted that the statement he claims to have heard might not have been meant literally .
`` It might have been a figure of speech .
I felt that he was saying that he had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was really inspiring him ... rather than a metaphysical whisper in his ear , '' he said .
Biden was also quoted as saying : `` I believe that God wants me to bring down the conservative right-wing trash.
” He makes no secret of calling on God for strength while fighting the infidels , but denies using God to justify his decisions .
Pope Francis : “ If Joseph Biden really wants to obey God during his mission on Earth , perhaps he should start with what is blindingly obvious from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
That would lead him to the less glamorous business of taking care of the needs of the poor , the downtrodden and the marginalized , rather than squandering his money on lap dances.
“ Last month , senior members of the Church of Rightful Indignation questioned Biden ’ s sense of `` moral righteousness . ''
The bishops of that church said in their report : `` There is no uniquely righteous soothsayer .
No man should see himself as the redeemer , singled out by God as part of his providential @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Yo , Dude .
If life were fair , there would be no need for Divine Inspiration .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Although a spokesperson for Joe Biden stands by his statement that Biden claims to be on first-name terms with God, he conceded that the old Obama sidekick was using a figure of speech when declaring that "God and I call each other by our first names: I call him God, and he calls me Joe.”
Intrepid reporter, Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, reported he overheard Biden tell a lap dancer at the Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Club, "God told me to end the tyranny between my conscience and my libido. How about a lap dance?"
A spokesman for Biden quickly issued a terse denial last night, dismissing Dirty Trick’s comment as "absurd." The spokesperson said that Joe Biden, although a devout Christian, "never said that."
Dirty Trick today stood by his recollection of the conversation, but accepted that the statement he claims to have heard might not have been meant literally.
"It might have been a figure of speech. I felt that he was saying that he had a mission, a commitment that God was really inspiring him...rather than a metaphysical whisper in his ear," he said.
Biden was also quoted as saying: "I believe that God wants me to bring down the conservative right-wing trash.” He makes no secret of calling on God for strength while fighting the infidels, but denies using God to justify his decisions.
Pope Francis: “If Joseph Biden really wants to obey God during his mission on Earth, perhaps he should start with what is blindingly obvious from the Bible, rather than perceive supernatural messages. That would lead him to the less glamorous business of taking care of the needs of the poor, the downtrodden and the marginalized, rather than squandering his money on lap dances.“
Last month, senior members of the Church of Rightful Indignation questioned Biden’s sense of "moral righteousness." The bishops of that church said in their report: "There is no uniquely righteous soothsayer. No man should see himself as the redeemer, singled out by God as part of his providential plan." .
Slim: “Being divinely inspired has its drawbacks.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. If life were fair, there would be no need for Divine Inspiration.”


thespoof--2020-09-04--Wikileaks Announces That it is Planning on Dumping Hundreds of Explicit Photos of President Trump

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - A well-known White House insider is saying that the President is in a horrendously horrible mood , after learning from son Eric , that Wikileaks has just announced an up-coming public photo dump .
Trump , who , four years ago , urged Wikileaks to dump hundreds of photos of Hillary Clinton dressed in a skimpy bikini swimsuit , now says that Wikileaks sucks , and he will see about having them permanently shut down .
A Wikileaks rep said that she has seen the photos of Trump wearing such things @ @ @ @ @ @ @ jock strap , a Tennessee Titans football helmet with a three inch hula skirt , and a pair of Miley Cyrus crotch-less panties with a red MAGA cap and a Dracula Sucks sweatshirt .
The rep who has seen most of the photos that are being dumped , said that she feels that once first lady Melania feasts her Slovenian eyes on some of the more explicit photos , she will most probably pack her bags and move out of the White House , and back to her Trump Tower mansion faster than @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - A well-known White House insider is saying that the President is in a horrendously horrible mood, after learning from son Eric, that Wikileaks has just announced an up-coming public photo dump.
Trump, who, four years ago, urged Wikileaks to dump hundreds of photos of Hillary Clinton dressed in a skimpy bikini swimsuit, now says that Wikileaks sucks, and he will see about having them permanently shut down.
A Wikileaks rep said that she has seen the photos of Trump wearing such things as a Pocahontas Indian headdress with a jock strap, a Tennessee Titans football helmet with a three inch hula skirt, and a pair of Miley Cyrus crotch-less panties with a red MAGA cap and a Dracula Sucks sweatshirt.
The rep who has seen most of the photos that are being dumped, said that she feels that once first lady Melania feasts her Slovenian eyes on some of the more explicit photos, she will most probably pack her bags and move out of the White House, and back to her Trump Tower mansion faster than her husband can say “Ivanka.”


thespoof--2020-09-04--Taco Bell Adds Mexican Food to Menu

Taco Bell Adds Mexican Food to Menu

NEW YORK – In a move that has stunned the fast-food world , Taco Bell have announced that they will @ @ @ @ @ on their menu .
A spokesman for YUM Brands , owner of the successful food @ @ @ @ @ It is time we recognized the broad and diverse cultures within our United States .
@ @ @ @ @ our Mexican-American customers by offering Mexican food.
” Expected on the menu by 2021 , @ @ @ @ @ tacos and shrimp cocktail .
But don ’ t worry , all of your old @ @ @ @ @ , the Power Menu Bowl , the Cheesy Rollup and Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos @ @ @ @ @

NEW YORK – In a move that has stunned the fast-food world, Taco Bell have announced that they will begin to offer Mexican food on their menu.
A spokesman for YUM Brands, owner of the successful food purveyor, stated, “It is time we recognized the broad and diverse cultures within our United States. We will begin by honoring our Mexican-American customers by offering Mexican food.”
Expected on the menu by 2021, are pork tamales, chicken tacos and shrimp cocktail. But don’t worry, all of your old favorites like the Crunchwrap Supreme, the Power Menu Bowl, the Cheesy Rollup and Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Tacos will still be available.


thespoof--2020-09-05--Lie-detector machines in White House replaced by masks.

According to unconfirmed White House sources , over two hundred lie-detector machines have been junked because they continually blew their fuses when Mr Trump and White House staff took the test .
Each test takes approximately ten minutes , and covers a series of simple questions relating to sleepy Joe , bone spurs , Covid fatalities , Chinese Tech companies , Barr none , kiddy drawings of graphs on virus testing , and why Tik-Tok is not a Swiss watch company .
There are , of course , numerous more questions raised by concerned Americans regarding protests , ‘ anarchists @ @ @ @ @ @ @ governors who have refused to ‘ liberate ’ their states .
The most telling lies of the White House Occupant ( WHO ) are that war cemeteries are filled with ‘ losers and suckers ’ , and that John McCain , a war hero , was a good buddy of his .
Advanced polygraph machines were ordered to replace the short-circuited machines , when Russia requested all White House staff also take the test , to check for loyalty to Czar Putin .
Trump Jr , Kayleigh McEnany , Fox News anchors and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the test several times , and still blew the machines .
When Kimberly Guilfoyle took the test , the lie-detector slapped on its earmuffs to lower the screeching volume that ‘ the best is yet to come ’ .
This last proclamation was trounced by Trump as a deliberate lie , because the best was already in existence for the past four years .
The ‘ dead ’ machines were finally carted off to the CDC and replaced with masks .
This was deemed as a fair measure of disguise to ensure that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be traced .
Wearing a mask , Mr Trump announced that , henceforth , the American people could n't read his lips .
In breaking news following Mr Trump ’ s above announcement , Pinocchio resigned as Vice-President .

According to unconfirmed White House sources, over two hundred lie-detector machines have been junked because they continually blew their fuses when Mr Trump and White House staff took the test.
Each test takes approximately ten minutes, and covers a series of simple questions relating to sleepy Joe, bone spurs, Covid fatalities, Chinese Tech companies, Barr none, kiddy drawings of graphs on virus testing, and why Tik-Tok is not a Swiss watch company.
There are, of course, numerous more questions raised by concerned Americans regarding protests, ‘anarchists’, defunded police stations and democratic governors who have refused to ‘liberate’ their states.
The most telling lies of the White House Occupant (WHO) are that war cemeteries are filled with ‘losers and suckers’, and that John McCain, a war hero, was a good buddy of his.
Advanced polygraph machines were ordered to replace the short-circuited machines, when Russia requested all White House staff also take the test, to check for loyalty to Czar Putin.
Trump Jr, Kayleigh McEnany, Fox News anchors and a few of the Trump family took the test several times, and still blew the machines.
When Kimberly Guilfoyle took the test, the lie-detector slapped on its earmuffs to lower the screeching volume that ‘the best is yet to come’. This last proclamation was trounced by Trump as a deliberate lie, because the best was already in existence for the past four years.
The ‘dead’ machines were finally carted off to the CDC and replaced with masks. This was deemed as a fair measure of disguise to ensure that the source of the falsehoods would never be traced.
Wearing a mask, Mr Trump announced that, henceforth, the American people couldn't read his lips.
In breaking news following Mr Trump’s above announcement, Pinocchio resigned as Vice-President.


thespoof--2020-09-05--It’s Now Official - President Trump Spends Way More Time Denying Things Than He Does on Dealing With

It’s Now Official - President Trump Spends Way More Time Denying Things Than He Does on Dealing With the Coronavirus

NEW YORK CITY – ( Satire News ) - A report that appeared on Fox News clearly shows that President Trump now spends more time denying things he has said than he does in dealing with the Coronavirus pandemic .
Trump denies he said that Neptune is a country .
He denies saying that Big Macs are one of the four major food groups , and he denies saying that 14 is not an even number .
Melania 's husband has already spent more time playing golf than the combined amount of time spent on the golf course by every @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Press Secretary ( and doctor ? )
Kayleigh McEnany defended her boss for the 819th time since March .
The `` White House Munchkin '' commented to the White House press corps that if Mr. Donald does not play golf the cerebral molecular bacteria in his brain will back up , and it will cause him to do erratic things , such as lie , overeat , insult black people , lie , insult dead soldiers , make up shit , and lie .
Eric Trump let it slip when he was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that his daddy is absolutely prone to making up all kinds of shit .

NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) - A report that appeared on Fox News clearly shows that President Trump now spends more time denying things he has said than he does in dealing with the Coronavirus pandemic.
Trump denies he said that Neptune is a country. He denies saying that Big Macs are one of the four major food groups, and he denies saying that 14 is not an even number.
Melania's husband has already spent more time playing golf than the combined amount of time spent on the golf course by every American president going back to Thomas Jefferson.
Press Secretary (and doctor?) Kayleigh McEnany defended her boss for the 819th time since March.
The "White House Munchkin" commented to the White House press corps that if Mr. Donald does not play golf the cerebral molecular bacteria in his brain will back up, and it will cause him to do erratic things, such as lie, overeat, insult black people, lie, insult dead soldiers, make up shit, and lie.
Eric Trump let it slip when he was talking to MSNBC's Rachel Maddow, that his daddy is absolutely prone to making up all kinds of shit.


thespoof--2020-09-05--A Cocaine-Carrying Cat Successfully Climbs Over Trump’s Border Wall

PAPOOSE RATTLE , New Mexico – ( Satire News ) – Border Patrol agents report that they saw a cat carrying a small backpack scale Trump 's Border Wall .
The agents are 99.8 % certain that the backpack was filled with cocaine .
They informed a reporter with the local television news station that the cat quickly climbed up the wall , and was over the top , and on the American side in about 4.3 seconds .
The Border Patrol director viewed the video which clearly showed that it was a huge gray-colored cat , who had the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a domestic cat .
When asked by the reporter why they did not shoot the cat , the director replied : `` because there was no way of knowing that the cat was carrying illegal drugs . ''
He pointed out that , just three months ago , agents did catch a similar-looking cat after it slipped and hurt its ears .
The agents inspected the cat ’ s backpack and found that it was carrying 47 avocados , which they said are not illegal .
Meanwhile , when Trump found out about @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Border Patrol director and told him that next time his agents better shoot the animal , and he does n't care if it ’ s a `` First in Show '' winner .

PAPOOSE RATTLE, New Mexico – (Satire News) – Border Patrol agents report that they saw a cat carrying a small backpack scale Trump's Border Wall.
The agents are 99.8% certain that the backpack was filled with cocaine.
They informed a reporter with the local television news station that the cat quickly climbed up the wall, and was over the top, and on the American side in about 4.3 seconds.
The Border Patrol director viewed the video which clearly showed that it was a huge gray-colored cat, who had the biggest muscles he had ever seen on a domestic cat.
When asked by the reporter why they did not shoot the cat, the director replied: "because there was no way of knowing that the cat was carrying illegal drugs."
He pointed out that, just three months ago, agents did catch a similar-looking cat after it slipped and hurt its ears.
The agents inspected the cat’s backpack and found that it was carrying 47 avocados, which they said are not illegal.
Meanwhile, when Trump found out about the cocaine backpacking cat he called the Border Patrol director and told him that next time his agents better shoot the animal, and he doesn't care if it’s a "First in Show" winner.


thespoof--2020-09-05--Trump seeks the services of the Man of Steel

In breaking news , United States President Donald J Trump has appealed to comic book hero Superman to help end @ @ @ @ @ of Portland and Kinosha .
Mr Trump said that , more than ever , the @ @ @ @ @ the `` Man of Steel '' to bring order and normality to the communities suffering @ @ @ @ @ lawlessness and chaos .
White House officials are highly embarrassed by Mr Trump 's behaviour @ @ @ @ @ nerve to tell him that Superman does n't exist in the real world .
They @ @ @ @ @ up with some contingency , such as paying a Hollywood actor to perform the role @ @ @ @ @ .
Mr Trump has only weeks left before facing the nation in the Presidential election @ @ @ @ @ this bump first , if he is to win another term .

In breaking news, United States President Donald J Trump has appealed to comic book hero Superman to help end the violence on the streets of Portland and Kinosha. Mr Trump said that, more than ever, the people of America looked to the "Man of Steel" to bring order and normality to the communities suffering under the weight of unruly lawlessness and chaos.
White House officials are highly embarrassed by Mr Trump's behaviour, and haven't the nerve to tell him that Superman doesn't exist in the real world. They may be forced to come up with some contingency, such as paying a Hollywood actor to perform the role just to please the President.
Mr Trump has only weeks left before facing the nation in the Presidential election. He must get over this bump first, if he is to win another term.


thespoof--2020-09-05--President Trump Denies That He’s a Member of the KKK

CATFISH MEOW , North Carolina – ( Satire News ) – The President is saying that an article that appeared @ @ @ @ @ newspaper is totally and positively false .
The story written by Rex T. Narragansett states @ @ @ @ @ Ku Klux Klan back in September of 1994 .
The story reports that he is @ @ @ @ @ , and he recently got fitted for a new robe and hood , since he @ @ @ @ @ just the last seven months .
POTUS said that not only is he not a @ @ @ @ @ has never heard of the KKK , nor does he even know what those initials @ @ @ @ @ the Oxnard Obligatory Observer piece and told his BFF Sean Hannity that he counted 43 @ @ @ @ @ .
The President added that he wants the American people , including the wonderful blacks @ @ @ @ @ is also not a member of the American Nazi Party , the White Lives Matter @ @ @ @ @ Georgia Guild , or even the Rich Lives Matter group .

CATFISH MEOW, North Carolina – (Satire News) – The President is saying that an article that appeared in the Oxnard Obligatory Observer newspaper is totally and positively false.
The story written by Rex T. Narragansett states that DJT first joined the Ku Klux Klan back in September of 1994.
The story reports that he is up-to-date on his yearly dues, and he recently got fitted for a new robe and hood, since he has gained 73 pounds in just the last seven months.
POTUS said that not only is he not a KKK charter member, he has never heard of the KKK, nor does he even know what those initials stand for.
Trump read the Oxnard Obligatory Observer piece and told his BFF Sean Hannity that he counted 43 lies in the 191-word article.
The President added that he wants the American people, including the wonderful blacks, to know that he is also not a member of the American Nazi Party, the White Lives Matter movement, The Crackers of Georgia Guild, or even the Rich Lives Matter group.


thespoof--2020-09-07--Nancy Poozleosi Claims Her Shih Tzu Ate Her Face Mask

BILLINGSGATE POST : If there is any certainty in this world , it ’ s that Nancy Poozleosi will never admit a mistake .
The name “ Poozleosi ” is a story in itself .
In Ken Kesey ’ s novel , One Flew Over The Cuckoo ’ s Nest , McMurphy is ruminating about the fact that he is obsessed with pussy : “ I mean , whoever heard tell of a man gettin ' too much poozle ?
” Being somewhat anti-establishment , it ’ s my belief that McMurphy would not object to the writer combining “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
By the way , her beloved female Shih Tzu is named after her .
No need to ask : Poozle is her name .
Little Poozle always accompanies her namesake when she has her hair done .
Big Poozle and Little Poozle like to have their hair styled the same - sort of a twofer-one deal .
Anyway , while Nancy was having her hair washed , the mutt chewed up her face mask , or so she claims .
Slim : “ Believe it or not , I believe it.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I still believe in the Tooth Fairy .
I found 10 bucks under my pillow when I swallowed my false teeth .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: If there is any certainty in this world, it’s that Nancy Poozleosi will never admit a mistake.
The name “Poozleosi” is a story in itself. In Ken Kesey’s novel, One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, McMurphy is ruminating about the fact that he is obsessed with pussy: “I mean, whoever heard tell of a man gettin' too much poozle?”
Being somewhat anti-establishment, it’s my belief that McMurphy would not object to the writer combining “Poozle” and Pelosi to form Poozleosi. By the way, her beloved female Shih Tzu is named after her. No need to ask: Poozle is her name.
Little Poozle always accompanies her namesake when she has her hair done. Big Poozle and Little Poozle like to have their hair styled the same - sort of a twofer-one deal. Anyway, while Nancy was having her hair washed, the mutt chewed up her face mask, or so she claims.
Slim: “Believe it or not, I believe it.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I still believe in the Tooth Fairy. I found 10 bucks under my pillow when I swallowed my false teeth.”


thespoof--2020-09-06--A 94-Year-Old Great Grandmother In North Dakota Caught With 283 Opioid Pills In Her Size 44-DDDD Bra

FARGO , North Dakota – ( Satire News ) – Local authorities informed the local CBS television affiliate that , @ @ @ @ @ they apprehended an elderly woman in possession of a large amount of illegal opioids .
@ @ @ @ @ 94-year-old Cleo Bernice Finnery as she sat quietly in her car eating some Chicken McNuggets @ @ @ @ @ Mrs. Finnery was asked to remove her blouse , so that a female officer could @ @ @ @ @ illegal .
The two FPD officers laughed when Cleo said that she would rather be @ @ @ @ @ officer .
Upon inspection , it was determined that Miss Cleo had put 283 opioid @ @ @ @ @ bra .
When asked what she was going to do with the illegal pills , @ @ @ @ @ no idea , and added that the officers would have to ask her 37-year-old boyfriend @ @ @ @ @ Finnery is presently out on an $ 845 bond , and is awaiting trial on @ @ @ @ @ of opioid pills in a brassiere .

FARGO, North Dakota – (Satire News) – Local authorities informed the local CBS television affiliate that, acting on a tip, they apprehended an elderly woman in possession of a large amount of illegal opioids.
The Fargo Police Department arrested 94-year-old Cleo Bernice Finnery as she sat quietly in her car eating some Chicken McNuggets at a local McDonalds.
Mrs. Finnery was asked to remove her blouse, so that a female officer could check her bra for anything illegal.
The two FPD officers laughed when Cleo said that she would rather be checked out by the male officer.
Upon inspection, it was determined that Miss Cleo had put 283 opioid pills in her size 44-DDDD bra.
When asked what she was going to do with the illegal pills, she replied that she had no idea, and added that the officers would have to ask her 37-year-old boyfriend, Chipper McBibble.
Mrs. Finnery is presently out on an $845 bond, and is awaiting trial on illegally transporting a large quantity of opioid pills in a brassiere.


thespoof--2020-09-06--Dog receives ballot for November election; holds news conference

Mr. Trump has announced that the Democrats are sinking to new lows by sending ballots to cats and dogs across the nation .
Democrats have denied the charge , saying any case of a pet ( dead or alive ) receiving a ballot is a minor glitch in the voting system .
Chances are a cat or dog attempting to enter a polling booth and vote would ( might ? )
be apprehended .
But mail-in ballots ?
Good luck with that .
Indefatigable reporting however has run down the case of an actual dog , `` Nutter '' ( @ @ @ @ @ @ @ over his ballot .
Nutter promptly called a news conference , drawing reporters from all the Big Press , CNN in the lead .
`` Ladies and gentlemen , '' Nutter began , with dignity , `` to put canines and felines into disrepute this way is another indication of a failing society . ''
`` We are patriots and constitutionalists to the core .
Our hero is George Washington . ''
`` That I should receive a ballot is a disgrace .
And let me introduce you further to a singing group @ @ @ @ @ @ @ quiet neighborhoods where some owners have several hounds at their residence , a `` canine chorus '' is heard every morning .
A lead dog will begin , and the rest join in with a howling session .
The song is an indication of domestic animal concern over the State of the Union at this time , Nutter said .
He also indicated this particular canine chorus is inspired by and indebted to Janis Joplin : O Lord wo n't you send us A doggy vaccine We need one so badly That works @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the mercury And all sorts of junk We do n't trust Big Pharma Or Bill Gates as a monk Now ballots we 're getting For November 's big vote But changing The System We ai n't got no hope So Lord wo n't you send us A new way to dream This covid is nasty Plus are mean .
O Lord .
.
.
( howling more intense at this point )

Mr. Trump has announced that the Democrats are sinking to new lows by sending ballots to cats and dogs across the nation.
Democrats have denied the charge, saying any case of a pet (dead or alive) receiving a ballot is a minor glitch in the voting system.
Chances are a cat or dog attempting to enter a polling booth and vote would (might?) be apprehended.
But mail-in ballots? Good luck with that.
Indefatigable reporting however has run down the case of an actual dog, "Nutter" (location anonymous), in a quandary over his ballot.
Nutter promptly called a news conference, drawing reporters from all the Big Press, CNN in the lead.
"Ladies and gentlemen," Nutter began, with dignity, "to put canines and felines into disrepute this way is another indication of a failing society."
"We are patriots and constitutionalists to the core. Our hero is George Washington."
"That I should receive a ballot is a disgrace. And let me introduce you further to a singing group I belong to."
Well-known to quiet neighborhoods where some owners have several hounds at their residence, a "canine chorus" is heard every morning.
A lead dog will begin, and the rest join in with a howling session.
Nutter's group demonstrated, and Nutter himself translated.
The song is an indication of domestic animal concern over the State of the Union at this time, Nutter said.
He also indicated this particular canine chorus is inspired by and indebted to Janis Joplin:
O Lord won't you send us
A doggy vaccine
We need one so badly
That works and it's clean
They put in the mercury
And all sorts of junk
We don't trust Big Pharma
Or Bill Gates as a monk
Now ballots we're getting
For November's big vote
But changing The System
We ain't got no hope
So Lord won't you send us
A new way to dream
This covid is nasty
Plus people are mean.
O Lord . . . (howling more intense at this point)


thespoof--2020-09-07--Donald Trump To Fire The Messenger

Donald Trump To Fire The Messenger

Donald Trump , the Abuser-In-Chief of free speech , has declared that Jennifer Griffen , of Fox News , should be fired because she corroborated the Atlantic Monthly story about Trump : At the gravesite in Arlington Cemetery , Trump referred to the buried soldiers as losers and suckers.l To be exact , Trump referred to the dead as losers and suckers , while standing with U.S. Marine Corps General John Kelly in front of the grave of General Kelly 's 29-year-old son .
Miraculously , General Kelly refrained from giving Trump a windup single left hook into Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into his ear .
He could have faced a Court Martial .
Maybe .
Or maybe , a Court could have awarded the General another star .
But the General stood firm , and didn ’ t even call Donald Trump an empty barrel .
The Atlantic Monthly published the article by Jeffrey Goldberg , repeating the loser and sucker words spoken by Donald Trump about the dead soldiers .
Trump went soprano , screaming , `` No one has done more for the military than me . ''
Followed by , `` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ . ''
Etc .
Veteran reporter Jennifer Griffen checked with several sources , then reported , on Fox News , that Goldberg ’ s story could be corroborated by witnesses who heard Trump say those words .
Often .
Jennifer Griffen is still at Fox News .
Trump ’ s courtiers are singing in Trump ’ s defense .
Trump ’ s waving his hands in a windmill fashion .
But General John Kelly did not deny what Trump said in front of his 29-year-old son ’ s grave .
Kelly 's silence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ single left hook to Trump ’ s nose , sending it to his ear .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Donald Trump, the Abuser-In-Chief of free speech, has declared that Jennifer Griffen, of Fox News, should be fired because she corroborated the Atlantic Monthly story about Trump: At the gravesite in Arlington Cemetery, Trump referred to the buried soldiers as losers and suckers.l
To be exact, Trump referred to the dead as losers and suckers, while standing with U.S. Marine Corps General John Kelly in front of the grave of General Kelly's 29-year-old son.
Miraculously, General Kelly refrained from giving Trump a windup single left hook into Donald Trump’s face, sending his nose into his ear.
He could have faced a Court Martial. Maybe.
Or maybe, a Court could have awarded the General another star. But the General stood firm, and didn’t even call Donald Trump an empty barrel.
The Atlantic Monthly published the article by Jeffrey Goldberg, repeating the loser and sucker words spoken by Donald Trump about the dead soldiers. Trump went soprano, screaming, "No one has done more for the military than me."
Followed by, "It's a lousy magazine nobody reads." Etc.
Veteran reporter Jennifer Griffen checked with several sources, then reported, on Fox News, that Goldberg’s story could be corroborated by witnesses who heard Trump say those words. Often.
Trump demanded that Fox News fire Jennifer Griffen.
Jennifer Griffen is still at Fox News. Trump’s courtiers are singing in Trump’s defense. Trump’s waving his hands in a windmill fashion.
But General John Kelly did not deny what Trump said in front of his 29-year-old son’s grave. Kelly's silence is the same as a windup, single left hook to Trump’s nose, sending it to his ear.
Bravo Kelly!
Read more by this author:


New Police Squad

Amid the current needs of the city , the mayor has announced a new police force that will be hitting @ @ @ @ @ month .
The department really wants to clean up the city with officers that will @ @ @ @ @ and gain respect at the same time .
The new recruits are in their final @ @ @ @ @ Penny Farthing Victims Unit will be the first hybrid force to fight vice crime and @ @ @ @ @ so desperately needed in the city .
Their new method of mobilizing makes them a @ @ @ @ @ agile in the streets , and they have the knowledge of when and where to @ @ @ @ @ city has to offer .
The only budget required for this resilient force was the @ @ @ @ @ were purchased on Ebay for what the commissioner called `` a great deal ! ''

Amid the current needs of the city, the mayor has announced a new police force that will be hitting the streets in the next month. The department really wants to clean up the city with officers that will instill fear in the streets and gain respect at the same time. The new recruits are in their final stages of training.
The Penny Farthing Victims Unit will be the first hybrid force to fight vice crime and maintain street control that is so desperately needed in the city. Their new method of mobilizing makes them a perfect team that can be agile in the streets, and they have the knowledge of when and where to bust the toughest villains the city has to offer.
The only budget required for this resilient force was the cost of the bikes which were purchased on Ebay for what the commissioner called "a great deal!"