thespoof--2020-04-24--Schizophrenics reach out to themselves

Schizophrenics reach out to themselves

Social distancing and all the paraphernalia that goes with it are causing those with split personality conditions a headache - or two .
`` It ai n't easy , '' said Brad Park , currently being treated for schizophrenia .
`` I wear a facemask when I speak to me , but I 'd love to know why he do n't .
This facemask is coming between us .
Weird , man !
I mean , am I hallucinating or something !
?
This Covid thing drives you crazy ! ''
Delusional disorders are more widespread than many believe , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the White House .
Such symptoms involve inappropriate action and feelings , a sense of mental fragmentation and , clearly seen in the Donald , abnormal thinking and a tendency to lose touch with reality .
`` The spread is worrying , '' explained Dr .
Thumb of Washington Medical Center .
`` With the Covid thing , we 're neglecting mental issues .
The President told me he talks daily to his alter ego in Tallahassee who 's big in derivatives .
It 's kinda scary , `` said the neurologist .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ journalists think if they knew , especially from Mexico ? ''
Meanwhile , Brad Park is receiving state-of-the-art medication .
The sole effect up to now is that he 's given up smoking .
`` Maybe my facemask is putting me off , '' he said .
`` I 'm gon na try a different color .
Since social distancing came in , I 'm kinda drifting apart from myself .
I do n't want to lose contact completely .
That would be sad .
And video-conferencing is not really an option .
@

Social distancing and all the paraphernalia that goes with it are causing those with split personality conditions a headache - or two.
"It ain't easy," said Brad Park, currently being treated for schizophrenia. "I wear a facemask when I speak to me, but I'd love to know why he don't. This facemask is coming between us. Weird, man! I mean, am I hallucinating or something!? This Covid thing drives you crazy!"
Delusional disorders are more widespread than many believe, including those real psychotic disorders prevalent in the White House. Such symptoms involve inappropriate action and feelings, a sense of mental fragmentation and, clearly seen in the Donald, abnormal thinking and a tendency to lose touch with reality.
"The spread is worrying," explained Dr. Thumb of Washington Medical Center. "With the Covid thing, we're neglecting mental issues. The President told me he talks daily to his alter ego in Tallahassee who's big in derivatives. It's kinda scary, " said the neurologist. "I mean, what would foreign journalists think if they knew, especially from Mexico?"
Meanwhile, Brad Park is receiving state-of-the-art medication. The sole effect up to now is that he's given up smoking. "Maybe my facemask is putting me off," he said. "I'm gonna try a different color. Since social distancing came in, I'm kinda drifting apart from myself. I don't want to lose contact completely. That would be sad. And video-conferencing is not really an option."


thespoof--2020-04-25--President Trump Says Pandas Are Responsible For Covid-19

President Donald Trump put another spanner in the spokes of already-frail US/China relations this morning , when he blamed the @ @ @ @ @ at Beijing Zoo .
The zoo has nineteen pandas , and , as a treasured @ @ @ @ @ well away from all of the other animals at the facility .
They are treated @ @ @ @ @ taken care of by a special team of keepers , and want for nothing .
@ @ @ @ @ and nothing else .
Despite this , President Trump has got it into his head @ @ @ @ @ pandas are responsible for Covid-19 .
`` He got us all together and said that @ @ @ @ @ was as simple , and as easy-peasy as 'black and white ' .
We think @ @ @ @ @ uneducated link between pandas and pandemic . ''

President Donald Trump put another spanner in the spokes of already-frail US/China relations this morning, when he blamed the Coronavirus outbreak on the pandas at Beijing Zoo.
The zoo has nineteen pandas, and, as a treasured specie, they are kept well away from all of the other animals at the facility. They are treated as 'royalty', are taken care of by a special team of keepers, and want for nothing.
They eat bamboo shoots, and nothing else.
Despite this, President Trump has got it into his head that, somehow, the pandas are responsible for Covid-19.
An unnamed White House source said:
"He got us all together and said that, like pandas, it was as simple, and as easy-peasy as 'black and white'. We think he might be making an uneducated link between pandas and pandemic."


thespoof--2020-04-25--Carrier Captain: Spoof Had It Right But It Wasn't A Spoof

The Pentagon , Washington , D.C. Special and Exclusive to The Spoof .
As first reported , EXCLUSIVELY by The Spoof on April 4 , President Trump overruled the Navy and ordered the return of the fired captain of the carrier Theodore Roosevelt , Brett Crozier , to his command .
Three days later , on April 7 , Trump ousted Navy Secretary Thomas Modly after Modly 's disastrous flight to Guam to berate the carrier 's crew , and to justify his firing of Crozier .
The `` spoof '' was that it was inconceivable that Trump would see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Crozier as anything he would n't do , and his defense of the captain would have been inexplicable .
Trump only overrules the Pentagon when it has made a correct decision , not an erroneous one .
Today comes word that the Navy has offered Crozier reinstatement as commander of the Roosevelt .
That 's no spoof , and The Spoof suspects that , despite the denials , Modly resigned his post on orders from Trump , and that the Navy has been told by Trump to reinstate Crozier .
All told @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be a laughing matter but they demonstrate that The Spoof , even when joking , carries an element of truth .

The Pentagon, Washington, D.C. Special and Exclusive to The Spoof. As first reported, EXCLUSIVELY by The Spoof on April 4, President Trump overruled the Navy and ordered the return of the fired captain of the carrier Theodore Roosevelt, Brett Crozier, to his command. Three days later, on April 7, Trump ousted Navy Secretary Thomas Modly after Modly's disastrous flight to Guam to berate the carrier's crew, and to justify his firing of Crozier.
The "spoof"was that it was inconceivable that Trump would see the Navy's action in demoting Capt. Crozier as anything he wouldn't do, and his defense of the captain would have been inexplicable. Trump only overrules the Pentagon when it has made a correct decision, not an erroneous one.
Today comes word that the Navy has offered Crozier reinstatement as commander of the Roosevelt. That's no spoof, and The Spoof suspects that, despite the denials, Modly resigned his post on orders from Trump, and that the Navy has been told by Trump to reinstate Crozier.
All told, the firing and reinstatement may not be a laughing matter but they demonstrate that The Spoof, even when joking, carries an element of truth.


thespoof--2020-04-24--Florida Man Warns New Yorkers

Florida Man Warns New Yorkers

Wilfred ( “ Bubba Billy ” ) Watson of Pensacola , Florida , has a stark warning for New Yorkers fleeing the Covid-19 pandemic .
“ Get within six feet of me , and you ’ ll be permanently quarantined.
” Watson , 78 , takes the coronavirus seriously and explained that he i in the high risk category—because of his age and his being treated for an STD -- and has the right to defend himself .
He made it clear that he is allowed to carry a firearm , and is quite capable of using it , despite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ anyone in the last thirty years .
Watson indicated that Florida ’ s ‘ stand your ground ’ laws make it legal to shoot un-quarantined New Yorkers .
“ Those people from New York .
They git close to me , and I ’ m gon na stand my ground .
That ’ s the law.
” Interestingly , a senior attorney in the Florida Attorney General ’ s office , who wishes to remain anonymous , indicated that Watson may be correct in his understanding of Florida law .
She explained that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ don ’ t need to retreat when someone physically threatens you , and there ’ s “ no question that a New Yorker who has not been quarantined poses a real physical threat.
” Nonetheless , the official counsels against shooting New Yorkers , and raised the following issues : “ How do you know that someone is a New Yorker who has not self-quarantined , and how do you know you won ’ t be prosecuted ?
” The decision to prosecute or not prosecute someone is up to the local district @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to prosecute the shooter .
Furthermore , if the shooter is charged with a crime , he would need to hire an attorney to represent him ; that ’ s expensive , even if one is found innocent , and , of course , one never knows what a jury will do.
” Her advice to Watson is to just move away if a New Yorker or anyone else gets too close .
Bubba Billy , nonetheless , remains undeterred : “ I can represent myself , and there ain ’ t no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that ’ ll put me away for shooting a New Yorker .
”

Wilfred (“Bubba Billy”) Watson of Pensacola, Florida, has a stark warning for New Yorkers fleeing the Covid-19 pandemic. “Get within six feet of me, and you’ll be permanently quarantined.”
Watson, 78, takes the coronavirus seriously and explained that he i in the high risk category—because of his age and his being treated for an STD--and has the right to defend himself. He made it clear that he is allowed to carry a firearm, and is quite capable of using it, despite the fact that he has not shot anyone in the last thirty years. Watson indicated that Florida’s ‘stand your ground’ laws make it legal to shoot un-quarantined New Yorkers. “Those people from New York. They git close to me, and I’m gonna stand my ground. That’s the law.”
Interestingly, a senior attorney in the Florida Attorney General’s office, who wishes to remain anonymous, indicated that Watson may be correct in his understanding of Florida law. She explained that ‘stand your ground’ means you don’t need to retreat when someone physically threatens you, and there’s “no question that a New Yorker who has not been quarantined poses a real physical threat.” Nonetheless, the official counsels against shooting New Yorkers, and raised the following issues: “How do you know that someone is a New Yorker who has not self-quarantined, and how do you know you won’t be prosecuted?” The decision to prosecute or not prosecute someone is up to the local district attorney, and that individual might choose to prosecute the shooter.
Furthermore, if the shooter is charged with a crime, he would need to hire an attorney to represent him; that’s expensive, even if one is found innocent, and, of course, one never knows what a jury will do.” Her advice to Watson is to just move away if a New Yorker or anyone else gets too close.
Bubba Billy, nonetheless, remains undeterred: “I can represent myself, and there ain’t no jury within a hundred miles of here that’ll put me away for shooting a New Yorker.”


thespoof--2020-04-25--Nashville Man Momentarily Lapses from Political Correctness into Regular Correctness

Triggered by a dirty look he received from a surgically-masked woman when he sauntered barefaced into a Nashville grocery store , 28-year-old Travis Kane momentarily lapsed from political correctness into regular correctness , demanding loudly , `` So do you wear your face mask when you ’ re driving your car or eating your burger and fries ?
Because you 're more likely to die from heart disease or a car crash than you are from coronavirus.
” He added scornfully , “ By the way , I walked here .
Did you ?
Or did you drive your Range @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
” Immediately thereafter , however , witnessing how shaken she was by his brazen exhibition of raw data , Kane hastened to reassure his fellow veteran in the war against the virus of his general political correctness .
Carefully maintaining a social distance of six-plus feet , he told the 48-year-old woman later identified as Carolyn Hubbard , `` I 'm so sorry .
This whole pandemic situation just has me feeling so anxious .
Right before I walked in , I realized I totally spaced on sanitizing my mask after my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weeks ago .
I don ’ t think the virus can survive that long , but I didn ’ t want to take any chances .
Sometimes unsanitized masks can do even more harm than good .
And the virus is just so contagious . ''
In truth , Kane later disclosed , he had been visiting the grocery store on an as-needed basis , averaging about three times per week , and , to this day , does not own a face mask apart from a blue bandana , which he has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Nevertheless , he felt that taking some poetic license was justified in the interest of connecting with Hubbard on an authentic emotional level .
His vulnerable approach worked .
Hubbard ’ s body language instantly eased , and her face relaxed into a sympathetic non-frown .
“ I get it , '' she said .
`` We ’ re all just doing the best we can.
” Her eyes narrowed slightly , and she added , a touch passive-aggressively , “ Even if sometimes our best isn ’ t very good.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I know , right ?
We 're all just bumbling through , one day at a time.
” He shook his head woefully .
“ Did you hear about John Prine ?
” he said , referring to the legendary songwriter and artist who , after earlier bouts with cancer and other health issues , died at age 73 from complications related to COVID-19 .
“ This virus spares no one .
It ’ s taking our very best.
” Hubbard ’ s eyes squeezed shut and she nodded wordlessly .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ moment later , she opened her tear-filled eyes and peered at Kane with genuine compassion .
“ Hey , stay safe , okay ?
” “ Thanks , you stay safe , too , ” said Kane .
He smiled abashedly .
“ And by the way , thank you for your vigilance in calling out people like me .
That ’ s the only we 'll all stay safe . ''
Afterward , Kane acknowledged feeling somewhat guilty for exploiting the death of his lifelong musical hero to divert attention from his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bit was a little over the top , ” he admitted .
“ But John Prine would have understood .
That woman was a bitch .
”

Triggered by a dirty look he received from a surgically-masked woman when he sauntered barefaced into a Nashville grocery store, 28-year-old Travis Kane momentarily lapsed from political correctness into regular correctness, demanding loudly, "So do you wear your face mask when you’re driving your car or eating your burger and fries? Because you're more likely to die from heart disease or a car crash than you are from coronavirus.”
He added scornfully, “By the way, I walked here. Did you? Or did you drive your Range Rover half a mile to get here?”
Immediately thereafter, however, witnessing how shaken she was by his brazen exhibition of raw data, Kane hastened to reassure his fellow veteran in the war against the virus of his general political correctness. Carefully maintaining a social distance of six-plus feet, he told the woman, "I'm so sorry. This whole pandemic situation just has me feeling so anxious. Right before I walked in, I realized I totally spaced on sanitizing my mask after my last trip to the grocery store six weeks ago. I don’t think the virus can survive that long, but I didn’t want to take any chances. Sometimes unsanitized masks can do even more harm than good. And the virus is just so contagious."
In truth, Kane later disclosed, he had been visiting the grocery store on an as-needed basis, averaging about three times per week, and, to this day, does not own a face mask apart from a blue bandanna, which he has not thus far used for coronavirus-related purposes. Nevertheless, he felt that his poetic license was justified in the interest of connecting with his human comrade on an authentic emotional level.
His vulnerable approach worked. The woman's body language instantly eased, and her face relaxed into a sympathetic non-frown. “I get it," she said. "We’re all just doing the best we can.” Her eyes narrowed slightly, and she added, a touch passive-aggressively, “Even if sometimes our best isn’t very good.”
Kane laughed off the implied insult. “I know, right? We're all just bumbling through, one day at a time.” He shook his head woefully. “Did you hear about John Prine?” he said, referring to the legendary songwriter and artist who, after earlier bouts with cancer and other health issues, died at age 73 from complications related to COVID-19. “This virus spares no one. It’s taking our very best.”
The woman's eyes squeezed shut and she nodded wordlessly. “That’s so true.” A moment later, she opened her tear-filled eyes and peered at Kane with genuine compassion. “Hey, stay safe, okay?”
“Thanks, you stay safe, too,” said Kane. He smiled abashedly. “And by the way, thank you for your vigilance in calling out people like me. That’s the only we'll all stay safe."
Afterward, Kane acknowledged feeling somewhat guilty for exploiting the death of his lifelong musical hero to divert attention from his own barefaced recklessness. “That bit was a little over the top,” he admitted. “But John Prine would have understood. That woman was a bitch.”


thespoof--2020-04-25--A Leading Disinfectant Company Says Please, Please, Please Do Not Listen To President Trump

CLEVELAND , Ohio – The Duchess Disinfecting Company has stated that their cleaning products are powerful cleaning disinfectants and they should never , ever be ingested orally or otherwise .
The company ’ s Chief Director of Public Relations , Olivia Timbertock , asked that everyone please ignore the remark made by the leader of the free world , who should know better .
The president was asked , by a reporter , why he would even remotely say that taking a disinfectant would kill the virus , when doing so could cause tremendous harm .
POTUS got that cat-that-ate-the-canary-look @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a joke , a hoax , it was something that I think I heard some Democrat say , maybe Pelosi , maybe Schumer , maybe Minnie Mouse , I don ’ t know .
I just know that I really miss playing golf every day .
And right now I am feeling horribly colluded , Kellyanne sweetie , get me a chair.
” Kellyanne got a totally puzzled look on her face , and replied , “ Ah , Mr. President , you just sat down on a chair six seconds ago , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I was just joking .
I was just colluding with you , like that witch hunter from the Judy Garland movie , ‘ The Wizard of Ozzy Osbourne.
’ ” Suddenly a reporter from the back yelled out .
“ Quick , someone call 911 , we need the guys from the loony bin to get over here damn quick , we ’ ve got us a live one .
”

CLEVELAND, Ohio – The Duchess Disinfecting Company has stated that their cleaning products are powerful cleaning disinfectants and they should never, ever be ingested orally or otherwise.
The company’s Chief Director of Public Relations, Olivia Timbertock, asked that everyone please ignore the remark made by the leader of the free world, who should know better.
The president was asked, by a reporter, why he would even remotely say that taking a disinfectant would kill the virus, when doing so could cause tremendous harm.
POTUS got that cat-that-ate-the-canary-look and said, “Look it was a joke, a hoax, it was something that I think I heard some Democrat say, maybe Pelosi, maybe Schumer, maybe Minnie Mouse, I don’t know. I just know that I really miss playing golf every day. And right now I am feeling horribly colluded, Kellyanne sweetie, get me a chair.”
Kellyanne got a totally puzzled look on her face, and replied, “Ah, Mr. President, you just sat down on a chair six seconds ago, sir.”
“I know that, I was just joking. I was just colluding with you, like that witch hunter from the Judy Garland movie, ‘The Wizard of Ozzy Osbourne.’”
Suddenly a reporter from the back yelled out. “Quick, someone call 911, we need the guys from the loony bin to get over here damn quick, we’ve got us a live one.”


thespoof--2020-04-25--President Trump Says He Will Be Filing a Personal Lawsuit Against China for Causing the Coronavirus

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The man who has sued more people than anyone else in the entire nation , has just stated that his latest one is a doozy .
President Trump , the undisputed leader of the free world , has just remarked that he has instructed his lawsuit attorney to file a lawsuit against the Republic of China for initiating the C-19 flu virus .
The president said that he recently received a video that was shot in Shanghai , that clearly shows the supermarket Chinese checker who started it all .
The president ’ s attorney Segundo @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lawsuit asks $ 1.7 billion in behalf of Donald John Trump .
Juarez added that the president has told him that when the courts award him the $ 1.7 billion , he will immediately deposit the check into his account at Manhattan ’ s First Pilgrim Bank .
He will then write a check made out to the People of The United States in the amount of $ 3 million .
Juarez said that the president will , at that time , sit down with his chief assistant , Kellyanne Conway , his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Eric , and Donald Jr ’ s girlfriend , Kimberly Guilfoyle , and the five of them will decide how to disperse the $ 3 million among the American people .
Juarez also mentioned that the president is trying to figure out a way to legally provide some monetary funds to show his appreciation for his highly devoted MAGA base .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The man who has sued more people than anyone else in the entire nation, has just stated that his latest one is a doozy.
President Trump, the undisputed leader of the free world, has just remarked that he has instructed his lawsuit attorney to file a lawsuit against the Republic of China for initiating the C-19 flu virus.
The president said that he recently received a video that was shot in Shanghai, that clearly shows the supermarket Chinese checker who started it all.
The president’s attorney Segundo Juarez informed the mainstream media that the lawsuit asks $1.7 billion in behalf of Donald John Trump.
Juarez added that the president has told him that when the courts award him the $1.7 billion, he will immediately deposit the check into his account at Manhattan’s First Pilgrim Bank.
He will then write a check made out to the People of The United States in the amount of $3 million.
Juarez said that the president will, at that time, sit down with his chief assistant, Kellyanne Conway, his daughter, Ivanka, youngest son, Eric, and Donald Jr’s girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, and the five of them will decide how to disperse the $3 million among the American people.
Juarez also mentioned that the president is trying to figure out a way to legally provide some monetary funds to show his appreciation for his highly devoted MAGA base.


thespoof--2020-04-24--Trump's Top Coronavirus Medical Recommendations

Declaring himself the most qualified medical expert in the world , President Trump dismissed the Food and Drug Administration , ( FDA ) Administrator and appointed himself the new FDA Chief .
During his four-hour news conference , where he asked and answered his own questions , he announced his recommendations for fighting coronavirus .
HIs announcement comes just one day after refusing to back down from his controversial recommendation regarding use of disinfectants to kill the sometimes lethal virus .
President Trump explained his recommendations and noted everything could be purchased without a prescription , thereby avoiding health insurance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ layoffs .
With his usual theatrical flare , the President dimmed the lights after each recommendation and raised the lights when a recommendation was shown on the screen .
Trump recommended : 1 .
Spray and wash. `` It removes stains from my white shirts when I spill spagetti sauce . ''
2 .
Windex .
`` The windows of my Trump tower building shine clean like diamonds . ''
3 .
Febreze .
`` After a drop a load , it makes the White House smell of roses . ''
4 .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the funk on my toenails , and can kill a weak virus . ''
5 .
Easy-off .
`` Melania burns everything leaving the stove dirty , but with easy-off everything goes away , no problem . ''
6 .
Raid .
`` Before Raid , I had a big problem with roaches at Mar-A-Lago , but no more . ''
7 .
Summer 's Eve .
`` You need to ask Melania about that one . ''
8 .
DW40 .
`` Spray in the lungs , and the virus will slide @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lemon Pledge .
`` Everyone knows lemon is a disinfectant . ''
10 .
Preparation H. `` Helps you sit in comfort so you can cough out the virus . ''

Declaring himself the most qualified medical expert in the world, President Trump dismissed the Food and Drug Administration, (FDA) Administrator and appointed himself the new FDA Chief. During his four-hour news conference, where he asked and answered his own questions, he announced his recommendations for fighting coronavirus. HIs announcement comes just one day after refusing to back down from his controversial recommendation regarding use of disinfectants to kill the sometimes lethal virus.
President Trump explained his recommendations and noted everything could be purchased without a prescription, thereby avoiding health insurance which millions have lost due to mass layoffs. With his usual theatrical flare, the President dimmed the lights after each recommendation and raised the lights when a recommendation was shown on the screen. Trump recommended:
1. Spray and wash. "It removes stains from my white shirts when I spill spagetti sauce."
2. Windex. "The windows of my Trump tower building shine clean like diamonds."
3. Febreze. "After a drop a load, it makes the White House smell of roses."
4. Desenex foot powder. "It killed the funk on my toenails, and can kill a weak virus."
5. Easy-off. "Melania burns everything leaving the stove dirty, but with easy-off everything goes away, no problem."
6. Raid. "Before Raid, I had a big problem with roaches at Mar-A-Lago, but no more."
7. Summer's Eve. "You need to ask Melania about that one."
8. DW40. "Spray in the lungs, and the virus will slide down the toilet."
9. Lemon Pledge. "Everyone knows lemon is a disinfectant."
10. Preparation H. "Helps you sit in comfort so you can cough out the virus."


thespoof--2020-04-26--Disinfectant Out Of Stock In Many Supermarkets

There were more scenes of panic-buying in many supermarkets and stores across ctantthe US yesterday , as customers forgot about @ @ @ @ @ made beelines , instead , for the aisles housing cleaning products , and more especially @ @ @ @ @ no discrimination , either .
All disinfectants of every brand were swept up by frantic @ @ @ @ @ by far , eclipsed those recently when customers worldwide emptied the shelves of bumwad .
@ @ @ @ @ thousands of stores were reporting that they were out of stock .
`` It was @ @ @ @ @ strange commodity to hoard , but I guess people are using their lockdown time to @ @ @ @ @ cleaning around the house . ''
`` Total chaos !
I 've never seen anything @ @ @ @ @ was as if the customers had received some kind of presidential order , or something @ @

There were more scenes of panic-buying in many supermarkets and stores across ctantthe US yesterday, as customers forgot about the toilet paper, and made beelines, instead, for the aisles housing cleaning products, and more especially, disinfectant.
There was no discrimination, either. All disinfectants of every brand were swept up by frantic shoppers in scenes that, by far, eclipsed those recently when customers worldwide emptied the shelves of bumwad.
By 10pm last night, thousands of stores were reporting that they were out of stock.
One supermarket manager said:
"It was crazy! It's a strange commodity to hoard, but I guess people are using their lockdown time to do a spot of spring cleaning around the house."
Another commented:
"Total chaos! I've never seen anything like it before! It was as if the customers had received some kind of presidential order, or something!"


thespoof--2020-04-25--The Miracle In Beaver Crossing That Changed The Way We View Skivvies Forever

BILLINGSGATE POST : it was forty years ago that The Miracle In Beaver Crossing changed the way that men looked at skivvies forever .
Slim Everdingle related this story about two brothers who found shelter from a snow storm in the farmhouse of Elmer Smuckmeister , a local farmer who put them up for the night so they wouldn ’ t freeze to death .
As Art and his demented brother , Sleaze , were driving from Omaha to Cheyanne to visit their Grandma , they were caught in a blizzard outside the farming community of Beaver Crossing , Nebraska @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they knocked on the door of Elmer ’ s home and asked if he could put them up until the storm blew over .
“ Sure boys .
You can sleep in the bunkhouse .
But there ain ’ t no bathroom facilities .
You will have to use the outhouse behind the shed if nature calls.
” Well , around midnight , Sleaze had to take a dump .
Looking out the window , he could barely see the outline of the outhouse because of the driving snow .
“ F*ck @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Looking down on the floor between the beds , he saw his brother ’ s trousers laying there .
A light bulb went off in his head .
Squatting down , he carefully took a dump on his brother ’ s pants , hoping that when his brother woke up in the morning , he would think he crapped his pants , as he so often did .
Around 6:00 AM , the demented Sleaze was awoken by his excited brother , who was shaking his arm and yelling : “ Sleaze @ @ @ @ @ @ @ f*cking miracle .
I just shit my pants last night , and it didn ’ t even go through my skivvies .
Lookie here.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
I hope they saved those shorts .
I would like to see them someday .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: it was forty years ago that The Miracle In Beaver Crossing changed the way that men looked at skivvies forever. Slim Everdingle related this story about two brothers who found shelter from a snow storm in the farmhouse of Elmer Smuckmeister, a local farmer who put them up for the night so they wouldn’t freeze to death.
As Art and his demented brother, Sleaze, were driving from Omaha to Cheyanne to visit their Grandma, they were caught in a blizzard outside the farming community of Beaver Crossing, Nebraska.
To seek refuge from the storm, they knocked on the door of Elmer’s home and asked if he could put them up until the storm blew over.
“Sure boys. You can sleep in the bunkhouse. But there ain’t no bathroom facilities. You will have to use the outhouse behind the shed if nature calls.”
Well, around midnight, Sleaze had to take a dump. Looking out the window, he could barely see the outline of the outhouse because of the driving snow.
“F*ck this,” he murmured to himself.
Looking down on the floor between the beds, he saw his brother’s trousers laying there. A light bulb went off in his head.
Squatting down, he carefully took a dump on his brother’s pants, hoping that when his brother woke up in the morning, he would think he crapped his pants, as he so often did.
Around 6:00 AM, the demented Sleaze was awoken by his excited brother, who was shaking his arm and yelling:
“Sleaze! Sleaze! It’s a f*cking miracle. I just shit my pants last night, and it didn’t even go through my skivvies. Lookie here.”
Slim: “Whoever thought that miracles couldn’t happen?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I hope they saved those shorts. I would like to see them someday.”


thespoof--2020-04-25--Lone Ranger and Tonto warned about lack of social distancing

The Trump administration has sent a formal warning to the 'way out west ' duo , the Lone Ranger and Tonto , about thier blatant disregard for social distancing .
In a Whitehouse statement , Mr Hank Worden said ; `` Hell , these boys ai n't carin ' enough about gettin ' the coronavirus .
They bin seen a-ridin ' so close , they was a-almost kissin ' ! ''
The Lone Ranger hit back , stating : `` Tonto an ' me , ride real close , cos it ai n't safe out here in the wild west @ @ @ @ @ @ @ every boulder .
Anyways , I always wears a mask . ''
Tonto said : `` Him think riding close , I get first bullet , him wrong , me have bulletproof vest .
I do n't want ride close , he got bad breath . ''
Silver stated : `` I ai n't movin ' another fetlock till that man masks up . ''
Old Ma Ricket , owner of the Triple Ace Saloon , told us : `` If them boys , comes a-walkin ' in here , hip to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will seperate 'em . ''

The Trump administration has sent a formal warning to the
'way out west' duo, the Lone Ranger and Tonto, about thier blatant disregard for social distancing.
In a Whitehouse statement, Mr Hank Worden said; "Hell, these boys ain't carin' enough about gettin' the coronavirus. They bin seen a-ridin' so close, they was a-almost kissin'!"
The Lone Ranger hit back, stating: "Tonto an' me, ride real close, cos it ain't safe out here in the wild west. There's danger a-lurkin' behind every boulder. Anyways, I always wears a mask."
Tonto said: "Him think riding close, I get first bullet, him wrong, me have bulletproof vest. I don't want ride close, he got bad breath."
Silver stated: "I ain't movin' another fetlock till that man masks up."
Old Ma Ricket, owner of the Triple Ace Saloon, told us: "If them boys, comes a-walkin' in here, hip to the bone, I have a twelve-gauge that will seperate 'em."


thespoof--2020-04-25--Trump Gets A Disinfectent Enema: Doctors Not Sure Turd Will Live

Donald Trump was hospitalized today after apparently experimenting with a Lie-sol disinfectant enema at the White House .
Officials became @ @ @ @ @ not show up for the daily Covid-19 briefing .
`` I saw him watching a @ @ @ @ @ enemas and Covid-19 this morning , said Mike Pence .
I never thought he 'd @ @ @ @ @ was set on proving `` his '' ideas work . ''
Emergency teams who found @ @ @ @ @ a tube up the wazoo , and a power cord connected to a UV disinfecting @ @ @ @ @ swallowed down his throat .
`` It was horrifying , and we had to work @ @ @ @ @ Bedroom .
I can only imagine what Abe would have thought of the scene , @ @ @ @ @ the ambulance team .
White House officials said the President 's predicament is being taken @ @ @ @ @ he was only trying to show people that they should not do anything that he @ @ @ @ @ genius , and so this kind of experimenting is just what he does .

Donald Trump was hospitalized today after apparently experimenting with a Lie-sol disinfectant enema at the White House. Officials became concerned when the President did not show up for the daily Covid-19 briefing.
"I saw him watching a story on Fox News about enemas and Covid-19 this morning, said Mike Pence. I never thought he'd do this, but he was set on proving "his" ideas work."
Emergency teams who found the President said he had a tube up the wazoo, and a power cord connected to a UV disinfecting light, which he apparently swallowed down his throat.
"It was horrifying, and we had to work on him in the Lincoln Bedroom. I can only imagine what Abe would have thought of the scene," said a nurse from the ambulance team.
White House officials said the President's predicament is being taken out of context, that he was only trying to show people that they should not do anything that he says. He is a genius, and so this kind of experimenting is just what he does.


thespoof--2020-04-25--Congress Moves to Lift Marijuana Restrictions

The House and Senate are putting out an additional phase 5 legislation to help Americans reduce stress while facing long @ @ @ @ @ policies '' .
`` Hell , I can get joints like they were legal anyway @ @ @ @ @ The Turtle '' McConnell , of Kentucky , the majority leader in the Senate .
@ @ @ @ @ all temporarily legal , and maybe people will forget about all Trump 's fuc ... @ @ @ @ @ '' The Bill , nicknamed simply `` J 5 '' , will be brought to @ @ @ @ @ latest round of Small Business funding is completed .
Nancy Pelosi could not be reached @ @ @ @ @ aid said , `` Nancy has supported marijuana legalization in California , and she supports @ @ @ @ @ especially for Texas , where she says they really need some weed or a good @ @ @ @

The House and Senate are putting out an additional phase 5 legislation to help Americans reduce stress while facing long term "stay at home policies".
"Hell, I can get joints like they were legal anyway," said Senator "The Turtle" McConnell, of Kentucky, the majority leader in the Senate. "We will make it all temporarily legal, and maybe people will forget about all Trump's fuc... er..mess-ups by election time."
The Bill, nicknamed simply "J 5", will be brought to a vote shortly after the latest round of Small Business funding is completed. Nancy Pelosi could not be reached for comment, but her aid said, "Nancy has supported marijuana legalization in California, and she supports it for the nation, especially for Texas, where she says they really need some weed or a good blow job."


thespoof--2020-04-26--President Trump’s Long-Time Lawyer, Michael Cohen Caught Digging a Hole in His Prison Cell

MADRID , New York – President Trump ’ s former attorney and well-documented ‘ fixer , ’ recently said that @ @ @ @ @ in his tiny prison cell at New York state 's infamous Sang Sung Prison .
@ @ @ @ @ 7803219 ) is so desperate to get out of confinement , that he was recently @ @ @ @ @ out of his prison cell .
Cohen was caught digging a hole with a # @ @ @ @ @ had stolen from the prison movie theater , where he is in charge of the @ @ @ @ @ who caught him said that # 7803 , as they call him for short , @ @ @ @ @ about an inch deep hole , which amounted to about half a cup of dirt @ @ @ @ @ him what the hell he was doing , he shrugged his shoulders , and said @ @ @ @ @ I 'm just digging for worms.
” One of the guards took away his pencil @ @ @ @ @ him with the cup ; luckily for Mikey it was a Styrofoam cup .

MADRID, New York – President Trump’s former attorney and well-documented ‘fixer,’ recently said that he is going stir-crazy sitting in his tiny prison cell at New York state's infamous Sang Sung Prison.
Michael Cohen (aka #7803219) is so desperate to get out of confinement, that he was recently caught trying to dig himself out of his prison cell.
Cohen was caught digging a hole with a #2 lead pencil that he had stolen from the prison movie theater, where he is in charge of the popcorn machine.
The guards who caught him said that #7803, as they call him for short, had only managed to dig about an inch deep hole, which amounted to about half a cup of dirt.
When the guards asked him what the hell he was doing, he shrugged his shoulders, and said meekly, “Oh, I'm just digging for worms.”
One of the guards took away his pencil as the other guard beat him with the cup; luckily for Mikey it was a Styrofoam cup.


thespoof--2020-04-26--Bernie Sanders Insists His Endorsement of Joe Biden Almost as Enthusiastic as His 2016 Endorsement o

Bernie Sanders Insists His Endorsement of Joe Biden Almost as Enthusiastic as His 2016 Endorsement of Hillary Clinton

Weeks after suspending his own run for the Democratic presidential nomination , Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders issued a statement officially backing presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden , stating that his endorsement of Biden was almost as enthusiastic as his 2016 endorsement of Hillary Clinton .
`` For one , I really appreciate that he 's a Democrat , '' said Sanders , touting the many positive aspects of Biden ’ s generally conservative platform and minimizing aspects like Biden 's opposition to Medicare for All and his past role in leading the United States into war with Iraq .
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fifteen-dollar-an-hour minimum wage .
Granted , he did so under some duress , as a result of my hounding him , but I think he meant it.
” Sanders went on to state that he does not hold it against Biden that Biden admitted to lying about participating in civil rights protests in the 1960s .
“ Joe ’ s a busy guy , and like me , he ’ s getting up in years , ” said Sanders .
“ It can be tough to keep track of everything.
” Sanders initially @ @ @ @ @ @ @ endorsement of Biden as only almost as enthusiastic as his 2016 endorsement of Hillary Clinton .
Finally , however , Sanders attributed his slight preference for Clinton to her somewhat cleaner record when it came to sexual harassment .
“ In Clinton ’ s case , it was only her husband who engaged in it , ” he said .
“ But nobody ’ s perfect .
And Biden is a decent man .
He has my wholehearted support . ''
Sanders , who underwent surgery following a heart attack only months ago @ @ @ @ @ @ @ course , I just had a stent put in , so my heart is n't all that whole in any sense these days .
But you take my point . ''

Weeks after suspending his own run for the Democratic presidential nomination, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders issued a statement officially backing presumptive Democratic nominee Joe Biden, stating that his endorsement of Biden was almost as enthusiastic as his 2016 endorsement of Hillary Clinton.
"For one, I really appreciate that he's a Democrat," said Sanders, touting the many positive aspects of Biden’s generally conservative platform and minimizing aspects like Biden's opposition to Medicare for All and his past role in leading the United States into war with Iraq. "And he also said he supports a fifteen-dollar-an-hour minimum wage. Granted, he did so under some duress, as a result of my hounding him, but I think he meant it.”
Sanders went on to state that he does not hold it against Biden that Biden admitted to lying about participating in civil rights protests in the 1960s. “Joe’s a busy guy, and like me, he’s getting up in years,” said Sanders. “It can be tough to keep track of everything.”
Sanders initially hedged as to why he described his endorsement of Biden as only almost as enthusiastic as his 2016 endorsement of Hillary Clinton. Finally, however, Sanders attributed his slight preference for Clinton to her somewhat cleaner record when it came to sexual harassment. “In Clinton’s case, it was only her husband who engaged in it,” he said. “But nobody’s perfect. And Biden is a decent man. He has my wholehearted support."
Sanders, who underwent surgery following a heart attack only months ago, chuckled and added, "Of course, I just had a stent put in, so my heart isn't all that whole in any sense these days. But you take my point."


thespoof--2020-04-26--Meghan McCain, Daughter of Senator John McCain, Says She Will Be Voting for Joe Biden

MANHATTAN – One of the hosts of The View , Meghan McCain , has surprised many Republicans with her recent political revelation .
Meghan McCain , a life-long , dyed-in-the-wool , Republican , was asked if she is planning on voting for President Trump in November .
The 35-year-old rolled her eyes , and said : “ Are you kidding ?
I hate that evil-mongering colluder so much , that I wouldn ’ t vote for him if he was running against a deranged , peckerless-woodpecker.
” She went on to say that the “ Liar-in-Chief ” unmercifully attacked her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ war hero , while POTUS is nothing but a heartless , draft-dodging , beaver-grabbing , bully wannabe .
The life-long Republican added that she loves the first lady .
She commented that , if she was Melania , she would get the phonebook , call a lawyer , and see about divorcing the pumpkin-faced , disinfectant dork .
Meghan pointed out that she is a proud member of several anti-Trump organizations , including the Never Trump Organization , the Down With Donald Federation , George Conway ’ s Dump Trump 2020 Group , @ @ @ @ @ @

MANHATTAN – One of the hosts of The View, Meghan McCain, has surprised many Republicans with her recent political revelation.
Meghan McCain, a life-long, dyed-in-the-wool, Republican, was asked if she is planning on voting for President Trump in November.
The 35-year-old rolled her eyes, and said: “Are you kidding? I hate that evil-mongering colluder so much, that I wouldn’t vote for him if he was running against a deranged, peckerless-woodpecker.”
She went on to say that the “Liar-in-Chief” unmercifully attacked her father, who was a decorated Vietnam war hero, while POTUS is nothing but a heartless, draft-dodging, beaver-grabbing, bully wannabe.
The life-long Republican added that she loves the first lady. She commented that, if she was Melania, she would get the phonebook, call a lawyer, and see about divorcing the pumpkin-faced, disinfectant dork.
Meghan pointed out that she is a proud member of several anti-Trump organizations, including the Never Trump Organization, the Down With Donald Federation, George Conway’s Dump Trump 2020 Group, and the Eff Trump Coalition.


thespoof--2020-04-26--Local Housewife Comforted That Homeowners’ Association Will Support Her in These "Unprecedented Time

Local Housewife Comforted That Homeowners’ Association Will Support Her in These "Unprecedented Times"

( Carbondale , Illinois ) In these times of uncertainty that surround the Coronavirus pandemic sweeping the globe , many people feel isolated , with few physical and social links to keep them grounded .
To help understand this , we called Illinois resident Mary Hungerford the other day to ask her how things were going .
“ Things for me have been surprisingly positive , ” she commented .
“ I have a whole collection of correspondence that seems to grow daily from everybody I give my money to .
From American Express to Zappos , all of them @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to let me know they are there to support me in these ‘ Unprecedented Times ’ .
I thought I was the only one who thought of our current situation with the Coronavirus that way , but it seems my credit card companies and I share a common mental bond that gives me the confidence to get through things.
” She beamed with pride and pulled up another email , “ Look at this one - Xfinity ’ s CEO has sent me an email where he says he has demanded the company @ @ @ @ @ @ @ network reliability and performance in these unprecedented times.
’ It ’ s even signed by him !
Think of that - a busy CEO was nice enough to sit and write me an email to say he is pushing his company to continue doing what I already pay good money for !
” She then dug a letter out of her desk drawer and gushed , “ Look at this one - it ’ s a keeper !
It ’ s from my homeowners ' association , addressed to ‘ Resident ’ , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unprecedented times ’ , common area maintenance and trash pickup will still occur and that I should keep sending them my $ 75 a month check .
Now , THAT ’ S an organization that understands my need to keep things as normal as possible ... it even speaks my language !
” While the Coronavirus continues to circle the globe in an unrelenting march to find itself in every corner possible , many are comforted to know that all businesses , from multinational corporations to local houses of worship , will help @ @ @ @ @ @ @ uncertainty and doubt ... in these unprecedented times .
Because , were it not for a virus killing hundreds of thousands of people , they wouldn ’ t give a f -- k , right ?

(Carbondale, Illinois) In these times of uncertainty that surround the Coronavirus pandemic sweeping the globe, many people feel isolated, with few physical and social links to keep them grounded. To help understand this, we called Illinois resident Mary Hungerford the other day to ask her how things were going.
“Things for me have been surprisingly positive,” she commented. “I have a whole collection of correspondence that seems to grow daily from everybody I give my money to. From American Express to Zappos, all of them have reached out with a personal email to let me know they are there to support me in these ‘Unprecedented Times’.
"I thought I was the only one who thought of our current situation with the Coronavirus that way, but it seems my credit card companies and I share a common mental bond that gives me the confidence to get through things.”
She beamed with pride and pulled up another email.
“Look at this one - my internet provider’s CEO has sent me an email where he says he has demanded the company, ‘...continue to focus on network reliability and performance in these unprecedented times.’ It’s even signed by him! Think of that - a busy CEO was nice enough to sit and write me an email to say he is pushing his company to continue doing what I already pay good money for!”
She then dug a letter out of her desk drawer and gushed, “Look at this one - it’s a keeper! It’s from my homeowners' association, addressed to ‘Resident’, and says that despite these Coronavirus ‘unprecedented times’, common area maintenance and trash pickup will still occur and that I should keep sending them my $75 a month check.
"Now, THAT’S an organization that understands my need to keep things as normal as possible...it even speaks my language!”
While the Coronavirus continues to circle the globe in an unrelenting march to find itself in every corner possible, many are comforted to know that all businesses, from multinational corporations to local houses of worship, will help any and all of their customers through uncertainty and doubt...in these unprecedented times. Because, were it not for a virus killing hundreds of thousands of people, they wouldn’t give a f--k, right?


thespoof--2020-04-26--Ivanka Trump Reboots Her Clothing Line to do Her Part in Coronavirus War

Like distilleries now making hand sanitizer and the big three automakers converting assembly lines from automobiles to make ventilators , Ivanka Trump has restarted her clothing business to do her part in helping America get through this pandemic ( all the way to the end ) with her new line of designer body bags .
Ivanka ’ s clothing line closed in July of 2018 after she took a position as Senior Advisor in her father ’ s administration and said that she did not have the time to devote to the business due to her daddy ’ s constant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Shortly after the decision , speculation circulated that the real reason was due to poor sales , with her brand being dropped by numerous department and clothing chain stores nationwide .
Whatever the reason , she is back with a new line of all-season outerwear that is guaranteed to flatter even the most blood-stained and phlegm-covered corpse .
“ I just wanted to give back , ” she stated in a recent interview .
“ So much attention is being given to my daddy ’ s leadership in this crisis , I wanted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be on the front lines of this war , but without the bleach injections and odd radiation things.
” Unlike the past , where her designs were described as “ Overpriced , poorly constructed , and unflattering on anyone who doesn ’ t share Ivanka Trump ’ s exact body type , ” Ivanka said this new line is different : “ Unlike my rocking slender body , this line is appropriate for the average size American woman , a seam-splitting size 14 to 16 , as well as catering to population @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to the virus.
” When asked what she meant by the last comment , she blushed and continued : “ Daddy did not want me to make such special accommodations , but the truth is that people of color are dying at a greater rate than those of us from non-shithole countries .
Four out of five are obese , so the bags are larger down the middle than that of the Caucasian bags .
We designed this line with colorful Rasta-designs , zippers that are well below the beltline , and zebra @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , they can be ordered emblazoned with hip-hop branding from The Hundreds , DGK , Trukfit , Diamond Supply , Primitive , and more .
We even have one that sports the signatures of Diamond and Silk , two of my daddy ’ s favorites of them.
” Ivanka adjusted her own ‘ Square Neck Ruffle Sleeve Top ’ and continued : “ We are also doing limited edition designs to give back to the very good people who have supported us for years .
There is a special Georgia edition coming out @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the League of the South , and daddy asked me to design one named ‘ The Duke ’ that is completely white , with an optional fun red and black cross.
” Knowing that we are “ flattening the curve , ” at the conclusion of the interview we asked about the longevity and subsequent profitability of this new endeavor .
Ivanka broke into a huge smile , and beamingly said , “ Oh , daddy and I have big plans for that .
Just like he did not take action in February @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get me back into business , he is now pressuring states to ‘ open for business.
’ This will get people back to work , attending sporting events , and , in general , around each other , so they can spread the virus love .
Since states will take turns opening up throughout the summer , think of the sales this fall !
”

Like distilleries now making hand sanitizer and the big three automakers converting assembly lines from automobiles to make ventilators, Ivanka Trump has restarted her clothing business to do her part in helping America get through this pandemic (all the way to the end) with her new line of designer body bags.
Ivanka’s clothing line closed in July of 2018 after she took a position as Senior Advisor in her father’s administration and said that she did not have the time to devote to the business due to her daddy’s constant demands for attention and lap time. Shortly after the decision, speculation circulated that the real reason was due to poor sales, with her brand being dropped by numerous department and clothing chain stores nationwide. Whatever the reason, she is back with a new line of all-season outerwear that is guaranteed to flatter even the most blood-stained and phlegm-covered corpse.
“I just wanted to give back,” she stated in a recent interview. “So much attention is being given to my daddy’s leadership in this crisis, I wanted to be a part of it, to be on the front lines of this war, but without the bleach injections and odd radiation things.”
Unlike the past, where her designs were described as “Overpriced, poorly constructed, and unflattering on anyone who doesn’t share Ivanka Trump’s exact body type,” Ivanka said this new line is different: “Unlike my rocking slender body, this line is appropriate for the average size American woman, a seam-splitting size 14 to 16, as well as catering to population segments that are most vulnerable to succumbing to the virus.”
When asked what she meant by the last comment, she blushed and continued: “Daddy did not want me to make such special accommodations, but the truth is that people of color are dying at a greater rate than those of us from non-shithole countries. Four out of five are obese, so the bags are larger down the middle than that of the Caucasian bags. We designed this line with colorful Rasta-designs, zippers that are well below the beltline, and zebra and camouflage prints. Under multi-licensing agreements, they can be ordered emblazoned with hip-hop branding from The Hundreds, DGK, Trukfit, Diamond Supply, Primitive, and more. We even have one that sports the signatures of Diamond and Silk, two of my daddy’s favorites of them.”
Ivanka adjusted her own ‘Square Neck Ruffle Sleeve Top’ and continued: “We are also doing limited edition designs to give back to the very good people who have supported us for years. There is a special Georgia edition coming out next week with a colorful flag from the League of the South, and daddy asked me to design one named ‘The Duke’ that is completely white, with an optional fun red and black cross.”
Knowing that we are “flattening the curve,” at the conclusion of the interview we asked about the longevity and subsequent profitability of this new endeavor. Ivanka broke into a huge smile, and beamingly said, “Oh, daddy and I have big plans for that. Just like he did not take action in February so we could have this deadly surge to get me back into business, he is now pressuring states to ‘open for business.’ This will get people back to work, attending sporting events, and, in general, around each other, so they can spread the virus love. Since states will take turns opening up throughout the summer, think of the sales this fall!”


thespoof--2020-04-26--Upside to Covid-19: Pension Funds Solvent!

Social Security Administration , Washington , D. C. Exclusive to The Spoof .
The bean counters at the Social Security @ @ @ @ @ the retirement fund , expected to be bankrupt by 2035 , will remain solvent for @ @ @ @ @ The reason : the high death rate caused by the Covid-19 virus among those now @ @ @ @ @ collecting monthly benefits .
Almost simultaneously , officials at the New York Teachers ' Retirement @ @ @ @ @ by almost a half trillion dollars , are breathing easier , as the virus in @ @ @ @ @ number of retirees receiving benefits .
They also note that many teachers nearing retirement have @ @ @ @ @ further reducing the future obligations of the fund .

Social Security Administration, Washington, D. C. Exclusive to The Spoof. The bean counters at the Social Security HQ quietly announced today that the retirement fund, expected to be bankrupt by 2035, will remain solvent for decades beyond that date. The reason: the high death rate caused by the Covid-19 virus among those now collecting or soon to be collecting monthly benefits.
Almost simultaneously, officials at the New York Teachers' Retirement Fund, which was underfunded by almost a half trillion dollars, are breathing easier, as the virus in that state has reduced the number of retirees receiving benefits. They also note that many teachers nearing retirement have succumbed to the virus, further reducing the future obligations of the fund.


thespoof--2020-04-26--U.S. Held Hostage By Tump And His Gang

U.S. Held Hostage By Tump And His Gang

Yes , the United States is being held hostage by an incompetent Donald Trump , who illegitimately secured the White House in collaboration with Russia ’ s Vladimir Putin , whose middle finger was heavily placed on the election scale of 2016 .
The gang consists of Mitch McConnell , William Barr , Fox News , and free safety Rudolf Giuliani .
Mike Pence thinks he ’ s in the gang , but he ’ ll be replaced in a snap with Sarah Palin if Biden picks a female as a vice president running mate .
“ Wait , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a woman ?
” Put it in the bank .
Feeling trapped before the coronavirus pandemic by Trump ’ s failed presidency , taxpayers now feel doomed .
All Trump does is fire people , watch television , and speak in platitudes during press conferences .
The only one running for a successful touchdown during this pandemic appears to be Andrew Cuomo , the Governor of New York .
Cuomo ’ s game is slow and methodically , lateraling the ball to California ’ s Governor Gavin Newsom , also moving it toward @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around July .
Maybe on the 4th of July ?
Meanwhile , feeling a sense of doom ( until the 4th of July ) , the newly-formed U.S. Citizen Survival At Any Cost organization , plan to approach UNESCO , pleading that they declared the United States a protected heritage site until Trump is out of office .
UNESCO has done the same for the endangered species of mountain gorillas in Africa .
With Trump in office , U.S. citizens are also an endangered species .
So why not ?
However , upon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Lysol or Clorox to kill coronavirus during a press conference , UNESCO immediately relented and said , “ Yes .
Okay .
Done.
” '' Wait , I 'm going to be replaced by a woman ? ''
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Yes, the United States is being held hostage by an incompetent Donald Trump, who illegitimately secured the White House in collaboration with Russia’s Vladimir Putin, whose middle finger was heavily placed on the election scale of 2016.
The gang consists of Mitch McConnell, William Barr, Fox News, and free safety Rudolf Giuliani. Mike Pence thinks he’s in the gang, but he’ll be replaced in a snap with Sarah Palin if Biden picks a female as a vice president running mate.
“Wait, I’m going to be replaced by a woman?”
Put it in the bank.
Feeling trapped before the coronavirus pandemic by Trump’s failed presidency, taxpayers now feel doomed. All Trump does is fire people, watch television, and speak in platitudes during press conferences.
The only one running for a successful touchdown during this pandemic appears to be Andrew Cuomo, the Governor of New York. Cuomo’s game is slow and methodically, lateraling the ball to California’s Governor Gavin Newsom, also moving it toward the goal post, to spike it around July. Maybe on the 4th of July?
Meanwhile, feeling a sense of doom (until the 4th of July), the newly-formed U.S. Citizen Survival At Any Cost organization, plan to approach UNESCO, pleading that they declared the United States a protected heritage site until Trump is out of office.
UNESCO has done the same for the endangered species of mountain gorillas in Africa. With Trump in office, U.S. citizens are also an endangered species. So why not?
UNESCO immediately said, “No.”
However, upon later learning that Donald Trump suggested drinking Lysol or Clorox to kill coronavirus during a press conference, UNESCO immediately relented and said, “Yes. Okay. Done.”
"Wait, I'm going to be replaced by a woman?"
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-04-25--President Trump Doubles Down on “Injecting Disinfectant” with Additional Advice

( Washington , DC ) President Trump recently defended his statement that Americans could help slow the spread of the Coronavirus by injecting disinfectants at yesterday ’ s daily Coronavirus Task Force press briefing by offering up additional advice that should be followed .
The President ’ s wife Melania and daughter Ivanka made a rare appearance at the briefing to presumably make some inspirational statements that appealed to the “ Be Best ” campaign or reviving a failed designer clothing line , though those topics were never covered when Trump firmly grabbed the spotlight .
“ As you know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it comes to illnesses , I really have a head for it , ” the President stated .
“ As you know , my uncle was a very famous MIT doctor , so some of the things I do to stop infectious diseases from spreading are more instinct than based on so called 'experts ' .
I can ’ t wait around for most facts because of my great instincts .
One thing I would advise to the great people of America is change the way they apply liquid hand soap when they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be content to a single pump of soap for both hands , I always use two .
More soap means excellent , excellent coverage against this China virus and any other illnesses other countries send us , because they are not sending their best .
With two soap pumps , I am staying vigilant in keeping this beautiful , beautiful country safe.
” The President continued , “ I believe the best thing all Americans of this great and beautiful country can do is to use my two pump method .
As a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ too soon to tell , but I could see myself getting called ‘ Two Pump Trump ’ as this method gets more popular.
” After some low level snickering in the White House press corps subsided , Trump was asked to confirm his nickname .
“ Absolutely , if the country wants to go with it and it saves the lives of many , many Americans of this great and beautiful country , I welcome it .
Moving forward , I want to be known as ‘ President Two Pump Trump ’ , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ were asked if “ Two Pump Trump ” was something they could associate with the President .
Melania quietly said “ He has been using the two pump method for years , ” and Ivanka added “ I could tell he was two pump Trump the first time I sat on his lap.
” The Coronavirus may be continuing an unchecked spread around the globe , but many folks worried about it can now rest safer knowing “ Two Pump Trump ” is quickly leading the charge to fight back and be rid @ @ @ @ @

(Washington, DC) President Trump recently defended his statement that Americans could help slow the spread of the Coronavirus by injecting disinfectants at yesterday’s daily Coronavirus Task Force press briefing by offering up additional advice that should be followed. The President’s wife Melania and daughter Ivanka made a rare appearance at the briefing to presumably make some inspirational statements that appealed to the “Be Best” campaign or reviving a failed designer clothing line, though those topics were never covered when Trump firmly grabbed the spotlight.
“As you know, I have the best instincts when it comes to illnesses, I really have a head for it,” the President stated. “As you know, my uncle was a very famous MIT doctor, so some of the things I do to stop infectious diseases from spreading are more instinct than based on so called 'experts'. I can’t wait around for most facts because of my great instincts. One thing I would advise to the great people of America is change the way they apply liquid hand soap when they wash their hands. While most may be content to a single pump of soap for both hands, I always use two. More soap means excellent, excellent coverage against this China virus and any other illnesses other countries send us, because they are not sending their best. With two soap pumps, I am staying vigilant in keeping this beautiful, beautiful country safe.”
The President continued, “I believe the best thing all Americans of this great and beautiful country can do is to use my two pump method. As a matter of fact, it may be too soon to tell, but I could see myself getting called ‘Two Pump Trump’ as this method gets more popular.”
After some low level snickering in the White House press corps subsided, Trump was asked to confirm his nickname. “Absolutely, if the country wants to go with it, and it saves the lives of many, many Americans of this great and beautiful country, I welcome it. Moving forward, I want to be known as ‘President Two Pump Trump’,” he emphasized.
Melania and Ivanka were asked if “Two Pump Trump” was something they could associate with the President. Melania quietly said “He has been using the two pump method for years,” and Ivanka added “He taught me the two pump Method the first time I sat on his lap.”
The Coronavirus may be continuing an unchecked spread around the globe, but many folks worried about it can now rest safer knowing “Two Pump Trump” is quickly leading the charge to fight back and be rid of this terrible load.


thespoof--2020-04-27--President Trump Vows to Stop Asking The Press Conference Reporters to Ask Him Questions

WASHINGTON , D.C. – A White House insider , who spoke on condition of anonymity , said that she has never seen the president so upset , so angry , and so downright bat shit crazy as he ’ s been the past few days .
The insider remarked that the president is sick and tired of the White House reporters asking him questions that make him look like he just fell off a turnip truck , or in his case a ‘ Big Mac ’ truck .
The president has accused the mainstream media of trying to make him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , little rich kid with a football , who pitches a fit if he can ’ t be the quarterback .
POTUS commented that from now on , his press conferences will consist of him showing a video of what he is talking about , followed by some doctor explaining what he just said , followed by him praising the members of his highly-devoted base .
Press Secretary , Kayleigh McEnany , even suggested that the president just ask reporters from Fox News to ask him questions , and super easy ones at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ; “ Mr .
President how tall is your son Barron ?
Mr. President is Melania a good kisser ?
And Mr. President do you prefer your Big Mac Burgers with or without onions ?
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House insider, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that she has never seen the president so upset, so angry, and so downright bat shit crazy as he’s been the past few days.
The insider remarked that the president is sick and tired of the White House reporters asking him questions that make him look like he just fell off a turnip truck, or in his case a ‘Big Mac’ truck.
The president has accused the mainstream media of trying to make him look as if he is some second-grade, little rich kid with a football, who pitches a fit if he can’t be the quarterback.
Did someone yell ‘Bingo?’
POTUS commented that from now on, his press conferences will consist of him showing a video of what he is talking about, followed by some doctor explaining what he just said, followed by him praising the members of his highly-devoted base.
Press Secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, even suggested that the president just ask reporters from Fox News to ask him questions, and super easy ones at that.
She even suggested a few; “Mr. President how tall is your son Barron? Mr. President is Melania a good kisser? And Mr. President do you prefer your Big Mac Burgers with or without onions?”


thespoof--2020-04-27--Michigan State Senator Causes a Stir as He Wears a Confederate Medical Mask in The Senate Chamber

LANSING , Michigan – The Michigan state senate was thrown in a semi-uproar , when Senator Dale “ Johnny Reb ” Zorn showed up to the chamber wearing a medical mask that was clearly in the likeness of the Confederate flag .
When asked why he would wear such a racist medical mask , he acted surprised , and said that he had put the mask on in the dark , and that he really had no idea it was a mask with the Civil War Confederate flag on it .
He then noted that the mask was not his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Zorn replied that it belonged to his wife .
When told to take it off , he replied that he couldn ’ t because he did not have another one .
One of the other senators reached in her purse , took out an extra mask , that had a tiny rainbow on it , and she handed it to Zorn .
He looked at it and remarked that he could not wear it .
He then said , “ I ain ’ t gon na wear this mask , because one can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gay mask.
” At that time , the senate sergeant-at-arms was called in to escort Senator Zorn out of the senate chamber .
Witnesses outside the building clearly heard Zorn yell out “ Okay , okay , I ’ ll wear the friggin ' Peter Pan rainbow mask , damnit . ''
“ Too late Fluffy , ” he was told by a Lansing police officer , as he was handcuffed , placed in the back seat of the police car , and driven off to the police station .

LANSING, Michigan – The Michigan state senate was thrown in a semi-uproar, when Senator Dale “Johnny Reb” Zorn showed up to the chamber wearing a medical mask that was clearly in the likeness of the Confederate flag.
When asked why he would wear such a racist medical mask, he acted surprised, and said that he had put the mask on in the dark, and that he really had no idea it was a mask with the Civil War Confederate flag on it.
He then noted that the mask was not his. When asked whose it was, Zorn replied that it belonged to his wife.
When told to take it off, he replied that he couldn’t because he did not have another one.
One of the other senators reached in her purse, took out an extra mask, that had a tiny rainbow on it, and she handed it to Zorn.
He looked at it and remarked that he could not wear it. He then said, “I ain’t gonna wear this mask, because one can clearly see that it’s a gay mask.”
At that time, the senate sergeant-at-arms was called in to escort Senator Zorn out of the senate chamber.
Witnesses outside the building clearly heard Zorn yell out “Okay, okay, I’ll wear the friggin' Peter Pan rainbow mask, damnit."
“Too late Fluffy,” he was told by a Lansing police officer, as he was handcuffed, placed in the back seat of the police car, and driven off to the police station.


thespoof--2020-04-27--Alabama To Shut Down the Alabama-Georgia Border Due to the C-19 Pandemic

MONTGOMERY – The Alabama state senate , in an emergency session , has voted 97-3 to close the border between Alabama and Georgia .
State Senator Ezra Follymuddle , told the media that it is obvious that the “ Peach State ” does not care about their people one damn iota .
He went on to say that Alabama , known as “ The State With Balls ” , cares about her people regardless of race , religion , political affiliation , or dietary preferences .
The senator was joined by fellow Senator Phoebe Belle Rainwater , who echoed his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ divulged that she ’ s never really liked Georgia , simply because she can not stand peaches , and those little bastards grow all over the state .
The madam senator , pointed out that she even once saw a peach tree growing inside the cooking area of a McDonalds kitchen in Valdosta , Georgia .
“ And don ’ t get me started on peach cobbler , peach tacos , and peach beer , ” the senator said , shaking her head .
The governor of Alabama has now issued an official @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let me make this as crystal clear as I possibly can .
Dadburnit , if any Alabamian goes to Georgia , then by cracky , you just ain ’ t gon na be allowed to bring your ass back to ‘ bama .
And I don ’ t give a possum ’ s ass , if it ’ s my own beer-guzzlin ’ Uncle Jasper , who loves the hell out of peach pizza.
” The state of Alabama has issued a ban on Georgia peaches .
If a citizen of Alabama is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her possession , they will be hit with a fine of $ 700 .

MONTGOMERY – The Alabama state senate, in an emergency session, has voted 97-3 to close the border between Alabama and Georgia.
State Senator Ezra Follymuddle, told the media that it is obvious that the “Peach State” does not care about their people one damn iota.
He went on to say that Alabama, known as “The State With Balls”, cares about her people regardless of race, religion, political affiliation, or dietary preferences.
The senator was joined by fellow Senator Phoebe Belle Rainwater, who echoed his sentiments.
Senator Rainwater, 73, divulged that she’s never really liked Georgia, simply because she cannot stand peaches, and those little bastards grow all over the state.
The madam senator, pointed out that she even once saw a peach tree growing inside the cooking area of a McDonalds kitchen in Valdosta, Georgia.
“And don’t get me started on peach cobbler, peach tacos, and peach beer,” the senator said, shaking her head.
The governor of Alabama has now issued an official state statement: “Hey y'all, let me make this as crystal clear as I possibly can. Dadburnit, if any Alabamian goes to Georgia, then by cracky, you just ain’t gonna be allowed to bring your ass back to ‘bama. And I don’t give a possum’s ass, if it’s my own beer-guzzlin’ Uncle Jasper, who loves the hell out of peach pizza.”
The state of Alabama has issued a ban on Georgia peaches. If a citizen of Alabama is caught with Georgia peaches in his or her possession, they will be hit with a fine of $700.


thespoof--2020-04-27--Nashville Man Looks Coronavirus in the Eye and Admittedly Flinches

After weeks of nonchalantly boasting that , on a scale of one to ten , his concern about COVID-19 was zero , 33-year-old Logan Ward of Nashville , Tennessee , had a nightmare wherein he stared directly into the coronavirus ’ s 19 bulging science-fiction eyes and , admittedly , flinched - but only momentarily - before fearlessly wrestling it to the ground outside his neighborhood grocery store , where it would be slowly and methodically trampled to death by the steady stream of socially-distanced customers laden with toilet paper , frozen dinners , and potato chips , with any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the shoppers arrived home and , presumably , disinfected the bottoms of their shoes with bleach .
“ Even though it was only a dream , I was forced to look deep within and summon all my innermost resources , ” said Ward , who now considers himself a COVID-19 survivor .
“ And I saw very clearly that I have what it takes .
I ’ ll carry that with me from here to eternity.
” He added , “ Everyone ’ s talking about being at war with the virus .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t realize is that war sometimes requires hand-to-hand combat – with no sanitizer in sight.
” Ward noted that , in his dream , stopping to sanitize his own hands before grappling with the coronavirus was not an option .
“ Never even crossed my mind , ” he said .
“ I ’ ve never been a fan of hand sanitizer anyway .
That stuff is nasty.
” Neither did Ward wash his hands after dreaming of taking down COVID-19 outside his local market .
“ I ’ m not afraid @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let them stay dirty , '' he said .
`` Enough of this pansy-ass hyper-sanitization .
Gritty and raw and real is how I roll .
Salt of the earth . ''
Paradoxically , said Ward , following his vivid vision of bringing COVID-19 to its viral knees , he awakened with a sense of great peace and a desire to coexist with all other microbial and sentient beings .
“ Integration , not violence , is the only long-term path to peace in the ecosystem , ” he said .
“ Along @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , which is where all these pandemic bugs tend to originate in the first place . ''
He added , “ That last part is truly only a dream , though .
People get all fired up about going to war with a virus .
But peace ?
That 's their worst nightmare . ''
He grinned and shrugged .
`` But hey , I can dream , right ? ''

After weeks of nonchalantly boasting that, on a scale of one to ten, his concern about COVID-19 was zero, 33-year-old Logan Ward of Nashville, Tennessee, had a nightmare wherein he stared directly into the coronavirus’s 19 bulging science-fiction eyes and, admittedly, flinched - but only momentarily - before fearlessly wrestling it to the ground outside his neighborhood grocery store, where it would be slowly and methodically trampled to death by the steady stream of socially-distanced customers laden with toilet paper, frozen dinners, and potato chips, with any lingering remnants certain to be extinguished once the shoppers arrived home and, presumably, disinfected the bottoms of their shoes with bleach.
“Even though it was only a dream, I was forced to look deep within and summon all my innermost resources,” said Ward, who now considers himself a COVID-19 survivor. “And I saw very clearly that I have what it takes. I’ll carry that with me from here to eternity.”
He added, “Everyone’s talking about being at war with the virus. But what a lot of people don’t realize is that war sometimes requires hand-to-hand combat – with no sanitizer in sight.”
Ward noted that, in his dream, stopping to sanitize his own hands before grappling with the coronavirus was not an option. “Never even crossed my mind,” he said. “I’ve never been a fan of hand sanitizer anyway. That stuff is nasty.”
Neither did Ward wash his hands after dreaming of taking down COVID-19 outside his local market. “I’m not afraid to get my hands dirty or to let them stay dirty," he said. "Enough of this pansy-ass hyper-sanitization. Gritty and raw and real is how I roll. Salt of the earth."
Paradoxically, said Ward, following his vivid vision of bringing COVID-19 to its viral knees, he awakened with a sense of great peace and a desire to coexist with all other microbial and sentient beings. “Integration, not violence, is the only long-term path to peace in the ecosystem,” he said. “Along with halting our holocaust of farmed animals, which is where all these pandemic bugs tend to originate in the first place."
He added, “That last part is truly only a dream, though. People get all fired up about going to war with a virus. But peace? That's their worst nightmare." He grinned and shrugged. "But hey, I can dream, right?"


thespoof--2020-04-27--S&P downgrades President Trump from “unreliable - hold onto for the time being” to “batshit crazy –

S&P downgrades President Trump from “unreliable - hold onto for the time being” to “batshit crazy – drop the motherfucker now”

The respected credit reference agency Standard & Poor has shocked the business world with a heavy broadside attack on US President Donald Trump based on his handling of the Coronavirus Pandemic .
POTUS , with whom the business world has generally enjoyed good relations , owing to his ability to improve the lot of the US worker and the wealth of the country ’ s economy ( usually at the expense of another country ) , has exasperated even his own supporters with his approach to the worldwide health crisis .
President and CEO of S & P , Douglas @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Skype interview with the New York Times , “ The President has upset a lot of people with his grandstanding and posturing , picking fights with Democrats and reporters , and even feeding false and dangerous medical advice to the public , which he then claimed was given sarcastically .
We need a leader who can unite , not divide .
That ’ s why we ’ ve downgraded President Trump from “ unreliable ” to “ batshit crazy ” and advised the US electorate to drop the motherfucker now.
” Minutes later @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , announcing that Trump had been downgraded on their systems to “ can his ass ” while British agency Experion rated the US President more politely as “ one sandwich short of a picnic – better to stay at home ” .
President Trump hasn ’ t responded yet , though he has sent out tweets to his followers demanding to know “ Who the fuck is Mr Standard and Poor and what sort of name is that anyway ?
”

The respected credit reference agency Standard & Poor has shocked the business world with a heavy broadside attack on US President Donald Trump based on his handling of the Coronavirus Pandemic. POTUS, with whom the business world has generally enjoyed good relations, owing to his ability to improve the lot of the US worker and the wealth of the country’s economy (usually at the expense of another country), has exasperated even his own supporters with his approach to the worldwide health crisis.
President and CEO of S&P, Douglas L. Peterson, said, in a Skype interview with the New York Times, “The President has upset a lot of people with his grandstanding and posturing, picking fights with Democrats and reporters, and even feeding false and dangerous medical advice to the public, which he then claimed was given sarcastically. We need a leader who can unite, not divide. That’s why we’ve downgraded President Trump from “unreliable” to “batshit crazy” and advised the US electorate to drop the motherfucker now.”
Minutes later, competitor Moody’s followed suit, announcing that Trump had been downgraded on their systems to “can his ass” while British agency Experion rated the US President more politely as “one sandwich short of a picnic – better to stay at home”.
President Trump hasn’t responded yet, though he has sent out tweets to his followers demanding to know “Who the fuck is Mr Standard and Poor and what sort of name is that anyway?”


thespoof--2020-04-27--Florida Reopens Hurricane Beach

Florida Reopens Hurricane Beach

There was great excitement of the US right coast this morning , when it was announced that the Florida Beach Authority - the FBA - have decided that Hurricane Beach was to reopen next week .
The beach has been closed to bathers , joggers , and those that just want to take their dogs for a shit , for over a month now , and the hot dog vendors are growing restless .
One said that : '' My sales have dropped by a massive 94 % . ''
Nobody really cares about that , however .
All people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stupidly-named residents had to say .
This was the second time since last Friday that Elsie had uttered this phrase , after one of the local hot dog vendors , Billy `` Be-Bop '' Bailey , had offered her some cut-price sausage .
Tinker Belle only lives 98 yards from the beach , and remarked that , during the lockdown , that that 98 yards has seemed like only 90 yards , the reason for that being that there have been no tourists between her and that beach .
That 's enough of @ @

There was great excitement of the US right coast this morning, when it was announced that the Florida Beach Authority - the FBA - have decided that Hurricane Beach was to reopen next week.
The beach has been closed to bathers, joggers, and those that just want to take their dogs for a shit, for over a month now, and the hot dog vendors are growing restless.
One said that:
"My sales have dropped by a massive 94%."
Nobody really cares about that, however.
All people care about is what the random, stupidly-named residents had to say.
One, devout church-goer, Tinker Belle Fernsehapparat, 91, said:
"What the eff?"
This was the second time since last Friday that Elsie had uttered this phrase, after one of the local hot dog vendors, Billy "Be-Bop" Bailey, had offered her some cut-price sausage.
Tinker Belle only lives 98 yards from the beach, and remarked that, during the lockdown, that that 98 yards has seemed like only 90 yards, the reason for that being that there have been no tourists between her and that beach.
That's enough of that.


thespoof--2020-04-28--Canned Laughter To Be Used On News Reports Of Trump Speeches

The use of recorded or 'canned ' laughter , often employed to encourage studio audience participation , is to be introduced into television news reports that cover the speeches of US president , Donald Trump , it has been revealed .
With so much of the content of what the leader of the free world says being barely believable , and often ludicrously funny , executives at many stations at the forefront of news reporting have now decided to add the sound of uproarious , hysterical laughter to accompany Trump 's words .
His childlike antics , lies , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and reality , in general , have become .
Mr. Trump 's suggestion , last week , that household disinfectant should be used in the fight against COVID-19 was a landmark event , deserving of not merely an annoying and insipid cackle of canned laughter , but also a standing ovation for recklessness and stupidity .
In Britain , the BBC is considering adding canned laughter to reports of anything Prime Minister Boris Johnson says , though many think this is an absolute waste of licence-payers ' money , as merely setting eyes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people rolling about in the aisles .

The use of recorded or 'canned' laughter, often employed to encourage studio audience participation, is to be introduced into television news reports that cover the speeches of US president, Donald Trump, it has been revealed.
With so much of the content of what the leader of the free world says being barely believable, and often ludicrously funny, executives at many stations at the forefront of news reporting have now decided to add the sound of uproarious, hysterical laughter to accompany Trump's words.
His childlike antics, lies, and misinformation are examples of how ridiculous politics and reality, in general, have become.
Mr. Trump's suggestion, last week, that household disinfectant should be used in the fight against COVID-19 was a landmark event, deserving of not merely an annoying and insipid cackle of canned laughter, but also a standing ovation for recklessness and stupidity.
In Britain, the BBC is considering adding canned laughter to reports of anything Prime Minister Boris Johnson says, though many think this is an absolute waste of licence-payers' money, as merely setting eyes on the goon is enough to send people rolling about in the aisles.


thespoof--2020-04-28--Depressed Pigeon Misses Shitting on People

( New York , New York ) Cher Ami , an ordinary New York City pigeon named after the famous British homing pigeon , is suffering from extreme depression and downright anger now that the city has entered its sixth week of lockdown .
We caught up with Cher on an upper ledge of the Empire State Building overlooking the East River , and through the miracle of a non-public pre-release beta iteration of the famous language-learning software “ Babble , ” conducted this interview .
True .
Reggie “ Rex ” Stain ( “ Reg , ” because even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ another nickname ) : “ Hello Cher , thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to talk to us.
” Cher : “ Busy , or what ?
Do yuh see me sittin ' here on my haunches vacantly starin ' out ovuh de east rivuh ?
What de hell does dat tell yuh , dat I have somethin ' bettuh tuh do , or what ?
” Reg : “ Sorry , I heard you were depressed , would you kindly tell our readers why ?
” Cher @ @ @ @ @ @ @ why yuh are here , what , your mudder some kind of doawh knob or somethin ' , yuh know , everyone gets a turn .
Okay ?
I 'm here becawze of dis fuckin ' bat flu dat came from de damned immigrants .
De streets are empty now .
Yuh got me so fahr ?
Vacant .
Right ?
I can not do what I was bawhn tuh do , droppin ’ bueno guano !
” Reg : “ Sorry to ruffle your feathers , what would you be doing if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : “ See , nights I ’ d be down at de Kiki Ballroom , wher yuh tink a pige name Cher wud be , huh ?
I ’ d be droppin ' a goo or two on de bean flickers , rice queens , and sausage jockeys hangin ' around and lined up tuh get into dat velveteen muffin hole .
Okay ?
Durin ' de day , I 'd be down at Washington Square , pickin ' up nibbles from de mindless tourists , and droppin ' a squirt on deir @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Reg : “ Gosh , and now , since everyone is in lockdown , there are no people to shit on , yes ?
” Cher : “ What , yuh some kind of stoopid or what , or what ?
Of cawhse dat is what has me depressed .
Yuh got me so fahr ?
Now I just sit here and wait fawh de stray car thief or ambulance drivuh tuh harass , like I used tuh harass your mudder.
” Rex : “ Thanks , but my mother passed away @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do you have to look forward to , then ?
” Cher : “ Good ting I gots tah Schtupp huh one last time .
Yuh with me ?
Look , dat yellow ass wipe yuh retards put in charge , we had a good ting goin ' years ago , what wit ' his makin ' home alone wit ' dat pigeon lady and all .
Yuh with me ?
Dat was respect .
Right ?
I hope he gits people back tuh wawhkin ' , so dey fill de streets again @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on dem like befawh dis rona ‘ demic .
Okay ?
” We left Cher on that lonely ledge as he scanned the streets below , hoping for an open bodega that would draw at least a couple of brave souls with bare heads , knowing he would instead have to settle for shitting on the statue of Christopher Columbus in Central Park .
Again .
Fitting , actually .

(New York, New York) Cher Ami, an ordinary New York City pigeon named after the famous British homing pigeon, is suffering from extreme depression and downright anger now that the city has entered its sixth week of lockdown. We caught up with Cher on an upper ledge of the Empire State Building overlooking the East River, and through the miracle of a non-public pre-release beta iteration of the famous language-learning software “Babble,” conducted this interview. True.
Reggie “Rex” Stain (“Reg,” because even a nickname that has a nickname needs another nickname): “Hello Cher, thank you for taking the time out of your busy day to talk to us.”
Cher: “Busy, or what? Do yuh see me sittin' here on my haunches vacantly starin' out ovuh de east rivuh? What de hell does dat tell yuh, dat I have somethin' bettuh tuh do, or what?”
Reg: “Sorry, I heard you were depressed, would you kindly tell our readers why?”
Cher: “First off, yuh know why yuh are here, what, your mudder some kind of doawh knob or somethin', yuh know, everyone gets a turn. Okay? I'm here becawze of dis fuckin' bat flu dat came from de damned immigrants. De streets are empty now. Yuh got me so fahr? Vacant. Right? I cannot do what I was bawhn tuh do, droppin’ bueno guano!”
Reg: “Sorry to ruffle your feathers, what would you be doing if the pandemic never happened?”
Cher: “See, nights I’d be down at de Kiki Ballroom, wher yuh tink a pige name Cher wud be, huh? I’d be droppin' a goo or two on de bean flickers, rice queens, and sausage jockeys hangin' around and lined up tuh get into dat velveteen muffin hole. Okay? Durin' de day, I'd be down at Washington Square, pickin' up nibbles from de mindless tourists, and droppin' a squirt on deir heads just as dey take de selfie.”
Reg: “Gosh, and now, since everyone is in lockdown, there are no people to shit on, yes?”
Cher: “What, yuh some kind of stoopid or what, or what? Of cawhse dat is what has me depressed. Yuh got me so fahr? Now I just sit here and wait fawh de stray car thief or ambulance drivuh tuh harass, like I used tuh harass your mudder.”
Rex: “Thanks, but my mother passed away last week from the Coronavirus. What do you have to look forward to, then?”
Cher: “Good ting I gots tah Schtupp huh one last time. Yuh with me? Look, dat yellow ass wipe yuh retards put in charge, we had a good ting goin' years ago, what wit' his makin' home alone wit' dat pigeon lady and all. Yuh with me? Dat was respect. Right? I hope he gits people back tuh wawhkin', so dey fill de streets again, so I can eat and shit on dem like befawh dis rona ‘demic. Okay?”
We left Cher on that lonely ledge as he scanned the streets below, hoping for an open bodega that would draw at least a couple of brave souls with bare heads, knowing he would instead have to settle for shitting on the statue of Christopher Columbus in Central Park. Again. Fitting, actually.


thespoof--2020-04-27--Surprisingly, Melania Said her 50th was “The Most Amazing Birthday Ever"

( Washington , DC ) In an unprecedented access to the First Lady , we obtained an exclusive interview one day after she turned 50 , where she described what seemed to be the most romantic celebration ever , one where she was shockingly honored and treated with respect .
“ You know how disgusted I am with Donald .
I don ’ t like even holding his hand in public ; I hate spending time with him because he is so mean to me , so my expectation of this half-century milestone was just to get through it , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sigh , she continued , “ But it turned out to be the most wonderful day anyone could have.
” Melania then went on to describe all that happened to cause such joy .
“ We went to a very private place in this huge house .
Music was playing in the background .
I had no idea he could hold a note , but suddenly I could hear his voice singing my favorite Ed Sheeran song , ‘ Thinking Out Loud ’ , and then he proceeded to open a bottle of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she continued , “ We slowly danced ; again I was surprised that he actually has some rhythm , and then dined on butter tarts , Nanaimo bars , and a cocktail named ‘ Caesar ’ , which was spicy and quite good .
Full of food and high on spirits , he kissed me softly , and said there was something special waiting for me on my birthday.
” Now visibly panting , Melania ’ s voice dropped to an almost-whisper .
“ I entered his room and noticed it was impeccably @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lamps for decoration .
Suddenly , he caught me off guard by coming from behind and blindfolding me .
I asked , ‘ What ’ s going on ?
’ He didn ’ t say anything , just sat me down on the edge of the bed and started to unbutton my Ivanka-branded blouse .
He reached in and began to explore my ‘ kidney surgery ’ .
” We were feeling a bit uncomfortable with this very intimate description , but the First Lady suddenly turned angry and her voice rose in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Service agent entered the room , and said it was time to go .
I snapped back , ‘ go away !
’ but he said we had to .
The President had finished his morning of ‘ executive time ’ which is basically watching television and texting endlessly on twitter , and I had to get back.
” Surprised , we asked back to where .
She simply stated , “ Back to the White House , of course .
I felt terrible leaving Justin Trudeau at Rideau Cottage in such a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and my asshole husband wants to give me a very beautiful card , because , you know , he is working a lot.
” We thanked her for taking the time to talk to us , and said we look forward to the next G-7 Summit so we can once again see the joy on her face .

(Washington, DC) In an unprecedented access to the First Lady, we obtained an exclusive interview one day after she turned 50, where she described what seemed to be the most romantic celebration ever, one where she was shockingly honored and treated with respect.
“You know how disgusted I am with Donald. I don’t like even holding his hand in public; I hate spending time with him because he is so mean to me, so my expectation of this half-century milestone was just to get through it,” she started. Taking a deep sigh, she continued, “But it turned out to be the most wonderful day anyone could have.”
Melania then went on to describe all that happened to cause such joy. “We went to a very private place in this huge house. Music was playing in the background. I had no idea he could hold a note, but suddenly I could hear his voice singing my favorite Ed Sheeran song, ‘Thinking Out Loud’, and then he proceeded to open a bottle of champagne.”
Slightly short of breath, she continued, “We slowly danced; again I was surprised that he actually has some rhythm, and then dined on butter tarts, Nanaimo bars, and a cocktail named ‘Caesar’, which was spicy and quite good. Full of food and high on spirits, he kissed me softly, and said there was something special waiting for me on my birthday.”
Now visibly panting, Melania’s voice dropped to an almost-whisper. “I entered his room and noticed it was impeccably clean, with new bedspreads and gold lamps for decoration. Suddenly, he caught me off guard by coming from behind and blindfolding me. I asked, ‘What’s going on?’ He didn’t say anything, just sat me down on the edge of the bed and started to unbutton my Ivanka-branded blouse. He reached in and began to explore my ‘kidney surgery’.”
We were feeling a bit uncomfortable with this very intimate description, but the First Lady suddenly turned angry and her voice rose in volume. “Then, a Secret Service agent entered the room, and said it was time to go. I snapped back, ‘go away!’ but he said we had to. The President had finished his morning of ‘executive time’ which is basically watching television and texting endlessly on twitter, and I had to get back.”
Surprised, we asked back to where. She simply stated, “Back to the White House, of course. I felt terrible leaving Justin Trudeau at Rideau Cottage in such a state, but the helicopter was waiting, and my asshole husband wants to give me a very beautiful card, because, you know, he is working a lot.”
We thanked her for taking the time to talk to us, and said we look forward to the next G-7 Summit so we can once again see the joy on her face.