thespoof--2020-03-29--The KKK to Suspend Their Weekly Cross Burnings Because of C-19

ALLIGATOR , Mississippi – The Mississippi Delta Order of The Grand Dandelion has just emailed all of their members a very important message .
Assistant Semi-Grand Dragon , Rufus Leland “ Slick ” Maconwitt , informed the fellas that , due to the new 6-foot self-distancing policy , there is just no way that the good old boys will be able to have their weekly cross-burning jamboree .
Maconwitt said that any member who wants to , can ask for a cross-burning refund , and the money will be mailed to their trailer in a discreet purple envelope marked : @ @ @ @ @ @ @ damn personal y ’ all.
” “ Slick ” did want all the boys to know the monthly Fried Possum and Chitlin ’ s Picnic will still be held , but it will be held at an undisclosed secret location , most probably at Earl “ Bubba ” Truckee ’ s catfish farm .
Meanwhile , any member who still owes money to the chapter for their summertime robes and hoods , should make every damn effort to send in their payment as the treasurer says that the KKK bank checking account is @ @ @ @ @ @

ALLIGATOR, Mississippi – The Mississippi Delta Order of The Grand Dandelion has just emailed all of their members a very important message.
Assistant Semi-Grand Dragon, Rufus Leland “Slick” Maconwitt, informed the fellas that, due to the new 6-foot self-distancing policy, there is just no way that the good old boys will be able to have their weekly cross-burning jamboree.
Maconwitt said that any member who wants to, can ask for a cross-burning refund, and the money will be mailed to their trailer in a discreet purple envelope marked: “Yo dis here envylope she be damn personal y’all.”
“Slick” did want all the boys to know the monthly Fried Possum and Chitlin’s Picnic will still be held, but it will be held at an undisclosed secret location, most probably at Earl “Bubba” Truckee’s catfish farm.
Meanwhile, any member who still owes money to the chapter for their summertime robes and hoods, should make every damn effort to send in their payment as the treasurer says that the KKK bank checking account is now down to $17.42.


thespoof--2020-03-29--Trump Mulls Quarantines But Ignored Subpoenas

Trump is mulling the idea of passing a quarantine on New York , Connecticut , and New Jersey using the Stafford Act .
This from the same guy who ignored subpoenas and told all of his staff to ignore subpoenas , and suddenly he 's thinking about the importance of law and order and of imposing a quarantine ?
Ha !
It would be a test run .
Wouldn ’ t it be just like Trump to introduce a quarantine in November during election week ?
And since Mitch McConnell is falling behind former Iraq fighter , Air Force pilot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Mitch would leap tall buildings to okay a November quarantine opportunity .
Good try , guys , but read the small print .
Only the governors of a state can impose quarantines , but the federal government ( that ’ s Trump ) would have to pay for any costs .
Does anyone think Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York is going to bend to Trump ’ s latest pipe dream and shenanigans ?
Does anyone suppose the Governor of Washington state , Jay Inslee , who Trump called a “ snake @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s quarantine dreams ?
Then there ’ s the Governor of Michigan , a woman , not a porn star or a Playboy Bunny , but a lawyer and public servant named Gretchen Whitmer .
She , too , asked for federal relief from Trump , and he responded by saying , “ she ’ s way over her head , ” and , “ she ’ s clueless ” .
A perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black !
Rudolph Giuliani , who was supposed to be digging up dirt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ukraine , was triggered into action by Trump , and crawled out from under Half Dome to voice his opinion against the Governor of Michigan .
Giuliani 's dribble wo n't be printed in the reputable news service of The Spoof , but the former mayor 's words were once again nincompoop-ish .
So on-the-one-hand , Trump says lockdowns are unnecessary and should be stopped and lifted by Easter Sunday , `` A great , great day , '' a quarantine for Democratic states is an okay thing to do .
So skip @ @ @ @ @ @ @ provide the states with ventilators , beds , hospital masks , and personal protective equipment , and do your job .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Trump is mulling the idea of passing a quarantine on New York, Connecticut, and New Jersey using the Stafford Act. This from the same guy who ignored subpoenas and told all of his staff to ignore subpoenas, and suddenly he's thinking about the importance of law and order and of imposing a quarantine?
Ha! It would be a test run.
Wouldn’t it be just like Trump to introduce a quarantine in November during election week? And since Mitch McConnell is falling behind former Iraq fighter, Air Force pilot Amy McGrath in his Kentucky senatorial race, Mitch would leap tall buildings to okay a November quarantine opportunity.
Good try, guys, but read the small print.
Only the governors of a state can impose quarantines, but the federal government (that’s Trump) would have to pay for any costs.
Does anyone think Governor Andrew Cuomo of New York is going to bend to Trump’s latest pipe dream and shenanigans? Does anyone suppose the Governor of Washington state, Jay Inslee, who Trump called a “snake”, will agree to Trump’s quarantine dreams?
Then there’s the Governor of Michigan, a woman, not a porn star or a Playboy Bunny, but a lawyer and public servant named Gretchen Whitmer. She, too, asked for federal relief from Trump, and he responded by saying, “she’s way over her head,” and, “she’s clueless”.
A perfect example of the pot calling the kettle black!
Rudolph Giuliani, who was supposed to be digging up dirt on Joe Biden and his son in Ukraine, was triggered into action by Trump, and crawled out from under Half Dome to voice his opinion against the Governor of Michigan.
Giuliani's dribble won't be printed in the reputable news service of The Spoof, but the former mayor's words were once again nincompoop-ish.
So on-the-one-hand, Trump says lockdowns are unnecessary and should be stopped and lifted by Easter Sunday, "A great, great day," a quarantine for Democratic states is an okay thing to do.
Suspicious?
So skip the thought of quarantines, and just provide the states with ventilators, beds, hospital masks, and personal protective equipment, and do your job.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-03-28--Nashville Man Devastated when Girlfriend Tells Him She Wants to Start Social Distancing

“ And we had been getting so close , ” said Andy Harding of Nashville , Tennessee , bemoaning the fact that his new live-in girlfriend , Amanda Miller , recently broke it to him that she wanted to start social distancing .
“ It ’ s a bummer , no getting around it , ” he said .
“ Especially since I haven ’ t even been exposed to any viruses that I know of .
And here she has herpes , not that I ’ ve ever made a big deal about that.
” According to Andy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Nashville , he and Amanda agreed that , to help “ flatten the curve ” and slow the spread of the much-feared coronavirus , they would practice self-isolation from their friends .
As the news of COVID-19 pandemic became increasingly alarming , Amanda took it upon herself to extend her own self-quarantine to Andy .
As a result , Andy explained , to stay safe and ensure that they won ’ t unwittingly spread COVID-19 to each other , he will be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future , because the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not large enough to allow for six feet of space between them .
Nevertheless , despite the inconvenience of staying far away from Amanda , even in their own home , Andy says that he appreciates how committed his girlfriend is to doing her part to maintain Nashville ’ s public health , and also to supporting those in their community affected by coronavirus - like their friend Zach , who is worried that his cousin in Kentucky may have COVID-19 .
“ Sometimes she ’ ll take her laptop into the bedroom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Zach for hours , ” said Andy .
“ She ’ s really been there for him . ''
And in the meantime , Andy says that he is simply grateful to have a girlfriend who is honest with him about the issues that matter to her , even when it ’ s hard .
“ That 's what adult communication is all about , '' he said .
`` We ’ re doing our part against coronavirus , and that ’ s something we can both feel good about .
And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up bringing us closer in the long run .
”

“And we had been getting so close,” said Andy Harding of Nashville, Tennessee, bemoaning the fact that his new live-in girlfriend, Amanda Miller, recently broke it to him that she wanted to start social distancing.
“It’s a bummer, no getting around it,” he said. “Especially since I haven’t even been exposed to any viruses that I know of. And here she has herpes, not that I’ve ever made a big deal about that.”
According to Andy, when the news about COVID-19 first hit Nashville, he and Amanda agreed that, to help “flatten the curve” and slow the spread of the much-feared coronavirus, they would practice self-isolation from their friends. As the news of COVID-19 pandemic became increasingly alarming, Amanda took it upon herself to extend her own self-quarantine to Andy.
As a result, Andy explained, to stay safe and ensure that they won’t unwittingly spread COVID-19 to each other, he will be sleeping on the couch for the foreseeable future, because the bed he and Amanda formerly shared is not large enough to allow for six feet of space between them.
Nevertheless, despite the inconvenience of staying far away from Amanda, even in their own home, Andy says that he appreciates how committed his girlfriend is to doing her part to maintain Nashville’s public health, and also to supporting those in their community affected by coronavirus - like their friend Zach, who is worried that his cousin in Kentucky may have COVID-19.
“Sometimes she’ll take her laptop into the bedroom, and shut the door and talk to Zach for hours,” said Andy. “She’s really been there for him."
And in the meantime, Andy says that he is simply grateful to have a girlfriend who is honest with him about the issues that matter to her, even when it’s hard. “That's what adult communication is all about," he said. "We’re doing our part against coronavirus, and that’s something we can both feel good about. And I'm trusting that it will end up bringing us closer in the long run.”


thespoof--2020-03-27--Coronavirus Pandemic May Be Cut Short Due to Americans’ Short Attention Span

Unlike in countries like Italy and China , where the coronavirus pandemic sustained national focus for months , in the United States , the COVID-19 epidemic may be cut short due to Americans ’ notoriously short attention span .
“ I was really into it for like the first week , ” said Caitlin Hayes of St. Louis , Missouri , regarding the intensive news coverage of the pandemic .
“ But after about five days , it started to get old .
Over-saturation , I guess.
” Hal Roberts of Boston , Massachusetts , agreed .
“ At first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up on toilet paper , dried beans , and sanitary wipes .
Now , though , I ’ d say it ’ s time to move on.
” Despite the wavering interest in COVID-19 , Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Robert Redfield urged Americans to stay focused on the virus .
“ You may be bored of COVID-19 , but coronavirus is n't bored of you , ” he warned .
“ It ’ s just getting started.
” That being said , Redfield acknowledged that , if necessary , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the event of severe lack of interest .
“ We ’ ve shifted our live news coverage to the Zoom platform and we ’ re doing our best to make it more interactive , ” he said .
“ But at the end of the day , there ’ s only so much we can do .
No point beating a dead horse – or a live bat , if you will .
”

Unlike in countries like Italy and China, where the coronavirus pandemic sustained national focus for months, in the United States, the COVID-19 epidemic may be cut short due to Americans’ notoriously short attention span.
“I was really into it for like the first week,” said Caitlin Hayes of St. Louis, Missouri, regarding the intensive news coverage of the pandemic. “But after about five days, it started to get old. Over-saturation, I guess.”
Hal Roberts of Boston, Massachusetts, agreed. “At first, it was a real adventure stocking up on toilet paper, dried beans, and sanitary wipes. Now, though, I’d say it’s time to move on.”
Despite the wavering interest in COVID-19, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Director Robert Redfield urged Americans to stay focused on the virus. “You may be bored of COVID-19, but coronavirus isn't bored of you,” he warned. “It’s just getting started.”
That being said, Redfield acknowledged that, if necessary, the pandemic may wind up being cut short in the event of severe lack of interest. “We’ve shifted our live news coverage to the Zoom platform and we’re doing our best to make it more interactive,” he said. “But at the end of the day, there’s only so much we can do. No point beating a dead horse – or a live bat, if you will.”


thespoof--2020-03-27--Alabama Town Fights PAN-demic

Alabama Town Fights PAN-demic

In one US town , people have gone to extreme lengths to ensure their community 's safety during the Coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ Alabama , piles of kitchen cookware have begun to build up at the local dumps @ @ @ @ @ .
In a warning to citizens , mayor Karen Karenson implored her constituents to help @ @ @ @ @ pandemic by disposing of any and all household pans or items that may appear to @ @ @ @ @ sheets , cast iron skillets , frying pans ... it all needs to go , @ @ @ @ @ citizens !
We can not stress this enough ! ''
said Karen Karenson during her @ @ @ @ @ All residents are being urged to place pans at the curbside in double plastic garbage @ @ @ @ @ picked up promptly , Friday afternoon , by town sanitation officials .
Citizens in need @ @ @ @ @ fall under the classification of pans may visit the Horsesniffer town website for further information @

In one US town, people have gone to extreme lengths to ensure their community's safety during the Coronavirus outbreak. In Horsesniffer, Alabama, piles of kitchen cookware have begun to build up at the local dumps, while they await incineration.
In a warning to citizens, mayor Karen Karenson implored her constituents to help stop the spread of the pandemic by disposing of any and all household pans or items that may appear to be pans.
"Cookie sheets, cast iron skillets, frying pans... it all needs to go, for the safety of our citizens! We cannot stress this enough!" said Karen Karenson during her March 23rd press conference.
All residents are being urged to place pans at the curbside in double plastic garbage bags. They will be picked up promptly, Friday afternoon, by town sanitation officials. Citizens in need of guidance on which items fall under the classification of pans may visit the Horsesniffer town website for further information.


thespoof--2020-03-26--Mirrors sick of all of your Robert De Niro impressions

Mirrors across America have claimed , not unreasonably , that they are all sick of your Robert De Niro Impressions @ @ @ @ @ , said 'Honestly , if Gary asks me one more time if I am talking @ @ @ @ @ n't be happy .
Gary , we know you are the only one here , @ @ @ @ @ are self-isolating .
To be honest , there has only been one time in the @ @ @ @ @ have n't been talking to me , and that was when you brought that poor @ @ @ @ @ looked around the flat once , said she needed to use the bathroom , and @ @ @ @ @ .
We are on the third floor . '

Mirrors across America have claimed, not unreasonably, that they are all sick of your Robert De Niro Impressions.
Mirror, Cindy Sheen, said 'Honestly, if Gary asks me one more time if I am talking to him, I won't be happy. Gary, we know you are the only one here, but that is because you are self-isolating. To be honest, there has only been one time in the past eight years when you haven't been talking to me, and that was when you brought that poor woman back here. She looked around the flat once, said she needed to use the bathroom, and left out of the window. We are on the third floor.'


thespoof--2020-03-27--Melania Trump, Director of the Nation’s “Be Best” Movement, Honors a Great Old Woman

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The country ’ s first lady made a very rare speaking appearance on the White House lawn .
She was honoring a woman who had recently fought off three bullies who tried to steal her “ Trump For King ” political button .
Melania told the 79-year-old woman , identified as Loretta Quillquist of Texhoma , Oklahoma , that the country needs more old women with balls like the ones she has .
Mrs. Trump , wearing a red wet suit , commented that female pioneers like Loretta traveled from the east coast and headed towards @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as covered wagons .
She said that she has always admired those strong-willed old west pioneer women like Annie Oakley , Calamity Jane , and Amelia Earhart .
The first lady gave Loretta an elbow bump , and blurted out about how much she hates living in Washington D.C. Melania has made it known to her husband , the semi-president , that she wants to move out of the Pennsylvania Avenue swamp , and back to her Trump Tower mansion .
She commented to Loretta that , when she gets old , she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ short , feisty , and with blue eyes .
GOP anti-Trumper George Conway said that Melania texted him a few days ago and asked if her husband can be removed from office for being a total whack job .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The country’s first lady made a very rare speaking appearance on the White House lawn.
She was honoring a woman who had recently fought off three bullies who tried to steal her “Trump For King” political button.
Melania told the 79-year-old woman, identified as Loretta Quillquist of Texhoma, Oklahoma, that the country needs more old women with balls like the ones she has.
Mrs. Trump, wearing a red wet suit, commented that female pioneers like Loretta traveled from the east coast and headed towards the west coast in covered wagons known as covered wagons.
She said that she has always admired those strong-willed old west pioneer women like Annie Oakley, Calamity Jane, and Amelia Earhart.
The first lady gave Loretta an elbow bump, and blurted out about how much she hates living in Washington D.C.
Melania has made it known to her husband, the semi-president, that she wants to move out of the Pennsylvania Avenue swamp, and back to her Trump Tower mansion.
She commented to Loretta that, when she gets old, she wants to be just like her; short, feisty, and with blue eyes.
GOP anti-Trumper George Conway said that Melania texted him a few days ago and asked if her husband can be removed from office for being a total whack job.


thespoof--2020-03-27--California Will Soon Start Arresting Joggers

SACRAMENTO – The Governor has just informed the citizens of the great jogging state of California of a brand new law known as COVFEFE-45 DJT .
The law has been named after Donald Trump , the quasi-president of the somewhat United States of America .
California is known as the Jogging Capital of the World , and at last count , it had over 9.3 million registered joggers .
But effective at 12:01 am , anyone caught jogging on the streets , on the sidewalks , or on the hot-as-hell beaches will be taken into custody , and their jogging @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Coast Home For The Homeless .
The governor was asked if the new law would also apply to the Kardashian sisters .
He replied that state law enforcement officers will especially be keeping an eye on Kim , Khloe , and Kourtney , since the three seem to think that they are somehow above the law .
The governor stressed that the new law does not allow for any excuses such as ' I am jogging to work ' , since work is now officially closed .
Also , the excuse that my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ skateboard ( check one ) is in the shop , will not fly .
The California Fraternity of Joggers has vowed to fight the new law , stating that California joggers should not be penalized due to the arrogance and pathological lying nature of the nation ’ s leader .

SACRAMENTO – The Governor has just informed the citizens of the great jogging state of California of a brand new law known as COVFEFE-45 DJT.
The law has been named after Donald Trump, the quasi-president of the somewhat United States of America.
California is known as the Jogging Capital of the World, and at last count, it had over 9.3 million registered joggers.
But effective at 12:01 am, anyone caught jogging on the streets, on the sidewalks, or on the hot-as-hell beaches will be taken into custody, and their jogging shoes will be given to the Left Coast Home For The Homeless.
The governor was asked if the new law would also apply to the Kardashian sisters.
He replied that state law enforcement officers will especially be keeping an eye on Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney, since the three seem to think that they are somehow above the law.
The governor stressed that the new law does not allow for any excuses such as 'I am jogging to work', since work is now officially closed.
Also, the excuse that my car, truck, motorcycle, or skateboard (check one) is in the shop, will not fly.
The California Fraternity of Joggers has vowed to fight the new law, stating that California joggers should not be penalized due to the arrogance and pathological lying nature of the nation’s leader.


thespoof--2020-03-28--Trump Wants The Media To Stop Showing That TV Ad That Clearly Proves That He Lies All of the Time

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump ’ s chief lawyer , Segundo Juarez , has just issued a stop-and-desist letter against the mainstream media , because they are putting out television ads that , although are true and totally accurate , are upsetting his client Donald J. Trump .
Juarez said that Trump ’ s main doctor , Dr. Yang Fu Fi , asked that Juarez issue that directive after he took Trump ’ s blood pressure and it was 208 over 196 , which caused the good doctor to exclaim , `` Oh , hell , that is way @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , who was born in the Little America section of Shanghai , also noted that Trump is beginning to slur his words beyond belief .
He pointed out that Trump has been saying ‘ srrisssshum ’ when he means to say ‘ Big Mac ’ .
He ’ s also saying 'srraaassssfluckle ' when he means to say ‘ Melania ’ .
Dr. Fu Fi points out that this is really not too much cause for alarm unless he starts saying 'ffffruskatiittts ' , because that will clearly show that he needs to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Melania was asked to comment about Dr. Fu Fi , saying that her husband could very well end up being committed and she simply said , “ YES !
!
!
” SIDENOTE : It is really no secret that Melania has wanted to return to her Trump Tower Penthouse for the past three years .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump’s chief lawyer, Segundo Juarez, has just issued a stop-and-desist letter against the mainstream media, because they are putting out television ads that, although are true and totally accurate, are upsetting his client Donald J. Trump.
Juarez said that Trump’s main doctor, Dr. Yang Fu Fi, asked that Juarez issue that directive after he took Trump’s blood pressure and it was 208 over 196, which caused the good doctor to exclaim, "Oh, hell, that is way up there!"
Dr. Fu Fi, who was born in the Little America section of Shanghai, also noted that Trump is beginning to slur his words beyond belief.
He pointed out that Trump has been saying ‘srrisssshum’ when he means to say ‘Big Mac’.
He’s also saying 'srraaassssfluckle' when he means to say ‘Melania’ .
Dr. Fu Fi points out that this is really not too much cause for alarm unless he starts saying 'ffffruskatiittts', because that will clearly show that he needs to be institutionalized before the sun goes down.
Melania was asked to comment about Dr. Fu Fi, saying that her husband could very well end up being committed and she simply said, “YES!!!”
SIDENOTE: It is really no secret that Melania has wanted to return to her Trump Tower Penthouse for the past three years.


thespoof--2020-03-28--Taylor Swift is Being Urged to Run Against Sen. Marsha “The Wicked Witch of The South” Blackburn

CHATTANOOGA , Tennessee - Hundreds of thousands of Taylor Swift ’ s fans who reside in Tennessee , are pleading with her to run against Senator Marsha Blackburn , who many say has lost the last few marbles she had .
According to Political Salad Bar Magazine Blackburn has the distinction of being the meanest , most heartless , most evil woman to ever hold a political office on both sides of the Mason-Dixon line .
Nancy Pelosi once said about Sen. Blackburn , “ I tell you what , that woman is so mean , she makes the Orange @ @ @ @ @ @ @ PSBM ’ s Savannah Bamboo stated that she heard that `` Blacky '' as Kamala Harris calls her , once tried to choke a baby duckling because it had taken a bite out of her cornbread at a `` GOP Only '' picnic .
Luckily for the little duckling , a park ranger saw her , and hit Blackburn over the head with a loaf of Wonder Bread , until she released the little duckling who waddled off unhurt , scared as hell , but unhurt .
Taylor says that she will spend @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she needs to , in order to make sure that Senator Blackburn returns back to Tennessee and her ho-hum life of collecting relics from extremist organizations .
IN CLOSING – Trump fan and long-forgotten TV actor , Scott Baio , offered to help Senator Blackburn by campaigning for her .
The senator reportedly replied , “ Oh , no , please , please , Scotty , you ’ re a 'jinx bitch ' , so you just stay the hell away from me .
”

CHATTANOOGA, Tennessee - Hundreds of thousands of Taylor Swift’s fans who reside in Tennessee, are pleading with her to run against Senator Marsha Blackburn, who many say has lost the last few marbles she had.
According to Political Salad Bar Magazine Blackburn has the distinction of being the meanest, most heartless, most evil woman to ever hold a political office on both sides of the Mason-Dixon line.
Nancy Pelosi once said about Sen. Blackburn, “I tell you what, that woman is so mean, she makes the Orange Tweeter look like a girl scout.”
PSBM’s Savannah Bamboo stated that she heard that "Blacky" as Kamala Harris calls her, once tried to choke a baby duckling because it had taken a bite out of her cornbread at a "GOP Only" picnic.
Luckily for the little duckling, a park ranger saw her, and hit Blackburn over the head with a loaf of Wonder Bread, until she released the little duckling who waddled off unhurt, scared as hell, but unhurt.
Taylor says that she will spend as much of her own money as she needs to, in order to make sure that Senator Blackburn returns back to Tennessee and her ho-hum life of collecting relics from extremist organizations.
IN CLOSING – Trump fan and long-forgotten TV actor, Scott Baio, offered to help Senator Blackburn by campaigning for her. The senator reportedly replied, “Oh, no, please, please ,Scotty, you’re a 'jinx bitch', so you just stay the hell away from me.”


thespoof--2020-03-27--Many of Trump's Evangelicals Now Believe He Actually Tested Positive For COVFEFE-45

JOPLIN , Missouri - An Evangelical minister who did not want his name mentioned , for fear of being burned at the stake , said that there is a lot of dissension among the ranks of the righteous brothers and sisters .
He divulged that more than half of the churchgoers are starting to believe that there is a sucker born every minute as General Robert E. Lee said over 150 years ago .
And with each new day , more and more of the holier-than-thou Congregationalists are starting to believe that Trump most probably has the COVFEFE-45 Flu , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ least 117 individuals who have contracted it .
One Detroit pastor said , “ I mean , just do the math .
24 plus 21 equals 45.
” When asked to explain , he remarked , “ The Trumpster is the 45th president .
Lots of the churchers who voted for Trump , now know ( in their heart of hearts at least ) that King Donald has to constantly tell lie after lie after lie , because , if he didn ’ t , he would end up as quiet as a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
And so Evangelicals , such as Brother Bocephus Beauregard from New Orleans , now openly admits that “ DJT is no longer my hero and , in fact , he has now become the laughing stock of the entire nation , including Asia , Europe , Africa , and Translandia . ''
Brother Beau then said , tongue-in-cheek , “ I don ’ t wish no harm on Trump the Chump , but I wish Godzilla would grab his orange ass , and take him off to a cave down in Australia @ @

JOPLIN, Missouri - An Evangelical minister who did not want his name mentioned, for fear of being burned at the stake, said that there is a lot of dissension among the ranks of the righteous brothers and sisters.
He divulged that more than half of the churchgoers are starting to believe that there is a sucker born every minute as General Robert E. Lee said over 150 years ago.
And with each new day, more and more of the holier-than-thou Congregationalists are starting to believe that Trump most probably has the COVFEFE-45 Flu, simply because he has been around at least 117 individuals who have contracted it.
One Detroit pastor said, “I mean, just do the math. 24 plus 21 equals 45.” When asked to explain, he remarked, “The Trumpster is the 45th president.
Lots of the churchers who voted for Trump, now know (in their heart of hearts at least) that King Donald has to constantly tell lie after lie after lie, because, if he didn’t, he would end up as quiet as a church mouse (no pun intended).
And so Evangelicals, such as Brother Bocephus Beauregard from New Orleans, now openly admits that “DJT is no longer my hero and, in fact, he has now become the laughing stock of the entire nation, including Asia, Europe, Africa, and Translandia."
Brother Beau then said, tongue-in-cheek, “I don’t wish no harm on Trump the Chump, but I wish Godzilla would grab his orange ass, and take him off to a cave down in Australia.”


thespoof--2020-03-27--The Latest Las Vegas Odds on Trump Getting Re-Elected

LAS VEGAS – The word from The Land of Odds is out , and it does not look very good for Old Man Trump in his bid to win a second term .
National Focus Magazine is reporting that , it is no secret that businessman Trump being president makes about as much sense as a Pike ’ s Peak mountain goat entering The Miss America pageant .
NFM ’ s Durango Tucker said that his magazine reported that 95 % of the Las Vegas oddsmakers give Trump a slim-to-none chance of being elected to a second term .
Tucker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that members of the president ’ s base are in such dire need of money , that many plan to , not only vote against him , but also bet against him .
One such individual , Hank “ Maga Boy ” Pittberger , said , “ Hell , I done lost my tractor , my tiller , my combine , my wife , and 18 of my 21 chickens because of the goofy-looking peckerwood.
” Hank remarked , “ So , I just done went and borrowed 80 bucks from Grandpappy Otis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it all against ‘ Dufus Don.
’ ” The current Las Vegas odds on POTUS getting re-elected are 17-2 .

LAS VEGAS – The word from The Land of Odds is out, and it does not look very good for Old Man Trump in his bid to win a second term.
National Focus Magazine is reporting that, it is no secret that businessman Trump being president makes about as much sense as a Pike’s Peak mountain goat entering The Miss America pageant.
NFM’s Durango Tucker said that his magazine reported that 95% of the Las Vegas oddsmakers give Trump a slim-to-none chance of being elected to a second term.
Tucker pointed out that he has personally heard that members of the president’s base are in such dire need of money, that many plan to, not only vote against him, but also bet against him.
One such individual, Hank “Maga Boy” Pittberger, said, “Hell, I done lost my tractor, my tiller, my combine, my wife, and 18 of my 21 chickens because of the goofy-looking peckerwood.”
Hank remarked, “So, I just done went and borrowed 80 bucks from Grandpappy Otis, and I’m agonna bet it all against ‘Dufus Don.’”
The current Las Vegas odds on POTUS getting re-elected are 17-2.


thespoof--2020-03-27--Nancy Pelosi Has Been Overheard Saying “I Am Honored To Be Your New President”

WASHINGTON , D.C. - The Washington Globe-Express is reporting that an unnamed member of Nancy Pelosi ’ s staff has overheard her mumbling to herself , “ I am honored to be your new president.
” The staff member said that she , personally , has heard Miss Nancy utter that phrase no less than 17 times just in the past week .
It ’ s no secret that it is conceivable that Pelosi could very well end up being the nation ’ s 46th president , due to the simple fact that President Trump and Vice-President Pence are just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Virus .
Reports are that Trump shakes hands with at least 40 people each and every day , and GOPicky Magazine has divulged that 39 of those are Republican senators and congressman .
The magazine pointed out that , if that continues , there won ’ t be any Republicans in either the Senate or the House of Representatives .
And , as Miss Nancy has mentioned , if that ever happens , most of Trump ’ s base will most probably move their mobile homes up to Canada or down to Bolivia @

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Washington Globe-Express is reporting that an unnamed member of Nancy Pelosi’s staff has overheard her mumbling to herself, “I am honored to be your new president.”
The staff member said that she, personally, has heard Miss Nancy utter that phrase no less than 17 times just in the past week.
It’s no secret that it is conceivable that Pelosi could very well end up being the nation’s 46th president, due to the simple fact that President Trump and Vice-President Pence are just not exercising caution regarding his COVFEFE-45 Flu Virus.
Reports are that Trump shakes hands with at least 40 people each and every day, and GOPicky Magazine has divulged that 39 of those are Republican senators and congressman.
The magazine pointed out that, if that continues, there won’t be any Republicans in either the Senate or the House of Representatives.
And, as Miss Nancy has mentioned, if that ever happens, most of Trump’s base will most probably move their mobile homes up to Canada or down to Bolivia.


thespoof--2020-03-27--Prince Harry, Meghan Markle, and Archie Are Leaving Vancouver, Canada for Good

LOS ANGELES - The former royalty couple and their baby have left the bitter cold weather of Vancouver , and @ @ @ @ @ hot weather of Los Angeles .
The couple spoke with iNews Agency ’ s Kitty @ @ @ @ @ that they decided to leave Canada because Meggy learned from her allergist that she is @ @ @ @ @ interjected that his wife is also deathly afraid of moose .
He giggled as he @ @ @ @ @ came close to biting her on her left elbow , but luckily Meghan was able @ @ @ @ @ her Martha Stewart Designer Purse .
The vibrant couple decided to settle in Los Angeles @ @ @ @ @ get back into the entertainment business .
She added that she hopes to star in @ @ @ @ @ Cooper or Liam Hemsworth .
When Meghan was asked who , in all of Tinsel @ @ @ @ @ like to meet , she smiled , and said she 'd love to meet Triumph @ @ @ @ @

LOS ANGELES - The former royalty couple and their baby have left the bitter cold weather of Vancouver, and are now residents of the hot weather of Los Angeles.
The couple spoke with iNews Agency’s Kitty Segovia, and told her that they decided to leave Canada because Meggy learned from her allergist that she is allergic to icicles.
Harry interjected that his wife is also deathly afraid of moose. He giggled as he said that one of them came close to biting her on her left elbow, but luckily Meghan was able to beat it off with her Martha Stewart Designer Purse.
The vibrant couple decided to settle in Los Angeles, because Meg hopes to get back into the entertainment business.
She added that she hopes to star in a movie with either Bradley Cooper or Liam Hemsworth.
When Meghan was asked who, in all of Tinsel Town, would she most like to meet, she smiled, and said she'd love to meet Triumph The Insult Comic Dog.


thespoof--2020-03-26--Chicken Crosses Road: Questioned For Crow-Ona Virus Violation

BILLINGSGATE POST : For those who wish to live in a world where a wayward chicken ’ s motives are not questioned when he crosses a road , they will be disappointed .
Foghorn Leghorn , a bombastic rooster with a penchant for mischief , was apprehended by Sheriff Henery Hawk while crossing a street in Hokum , Alabama .
Foghorn , who fancies himself a mentor figure for oppressed poultry , responded to his apprehension with his usual bluster .
Tossing off the Sheriff ’ s request for information as to why he was sauntering across the main thoroughfare @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he dressed down Sheriff Hawk : “ Look at me when I ’ m talkin ’ to ya , boy , ” he bellowed with his Southern accent .
“ Pay attention , son .
I ’ m only gon na tell you once .
Keep your chickin ’ pickin ’ mitts offa me , or I ’ m gon na kick some Hawk ass.
” “ Trust me , son .
This Crow-Ona Virus epidemic is nothin but henhouse chatter.
” With that , Foghorn softy hummed the lyrics of “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the refrain “ Doo-Daah !
Doo-Daah Day !
” , and ending the verse with “ Ohh , Doo-Daah Day !
” Slim : “ Apparently , Foghorn doesn ’ t like anyone questioning his motives for crossing a street .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: For those who wish to live in a world where a wayward chicken’s motives are not questioned when he crosses a road, they will be disappointed.
Foghorn Leghorn, a bombastic rooster with a penchant for mischief, was apprehended by Sheriff Henery Hawk while crossing a street in Hokum, Alabama.
Foghorn, who fancies himself a mentor figure for oppressed poultry, responded to his apprehension with his usual bluster. Tossing off the Sheriff’s request for information as to why he was sauntering across the main thoroughfare of Hokum during the Crow-Ona Virus Epidemic, he dressed down Sheriff Hawk:
“Look at me when I’m talkin’ to ya, boy,” he bellowed with his Southern accent.
“Pay attention, son. I’m only gonna tell you once. Keep your chickin’ pickin’ mitts offa me, or I’m gonna kick some Hawk ass.”
“Trust me, son. This Crow-Ona Virus epidemic is nothin but henhouse chatter.”
With that, Foghorn softy hummed the lyrics of “Camptown Races”, while loudly singing the refrain “Doo-Daah! Doo-Daah Day!”, and ending the verse with “Ohh, Doo-Daah Day!”
Slim: “Apparently, Foghorn doesn’t like anyone questioning his motives for crossing a street.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Don’t f*ck with the Foghorn.”


thespoof--2020-03-26--Many Democrats Are Now Wanting Gov. Andrew Cuomo to Throw His Hat Into the Presidential Ring

NEW YORK CITY - Governor Andrew Cuomo is receiving lots of praise from many people , including Republicans who are just simply fed up with Trump ’ s endless charade of non-presidential antics .
People are saying that the New York governor conducts himself with dignity , and is truly a man of the people , whereas Trump can not help but act like a pompous ass 24/7 .
Trump ’ s latest baseless lie is that Michelle Obama is responsible for having brought the Coronavirus from Kenya when she was just a teenager .
One of the biggest anti-Trumpers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the husband of Trump ’ s chief counsel , Kellyanne Conway .
George has said that President Spanky is about as presidential as the south end of a north-walking baboon .
Conway reportedly told his wife at the breakfast table a few days ago , that Trump should really resign , because he keeps getting more and more Naziesque as the days go by .
Kellyanne reportedly yelled at her husband that Trump is not a Nazi .
The dishwater blonde then noted , “ Nazis wear swastika armbands and speak German .
@

NEW YORK CITY - Governor Andrew Cuomo is receiving lots of praise from many people, including Republicans who are just simply fed up with Trump’s endless charade of non-presidential antics.
People are saying that the New York governor conducts himself with dignity, and is truly a man of the people, whereas Trump cannot help but act like a pompous ass 24/7.
Trump’s latest baseless lie is that Michelle Obama is responsible for having brought the Coronavirus from Kenya when she was just a teenager.
One of the biggest anti-Trumpers, ironically, is George Conway, the husband of Trump’s chief counsel, Kellyanne Conway.
George has said that President Spanky is about as presidential as the south end of a north-walking baboon.
Conway reportedly told his wife at the breakfast table a few days ago, that Trump should really resign, because he keeps getting more and more Naziesque as the days go by.
Kellyanne reportedly yelled at her husband that Trump is not a Nazi. The dishwater blonde then noted, “Nazis wear swastika armbands and speak German.”


thespoof--2020-03-30--Africans Glad They Don't Live In America

The coronavirus outbreak that has ravaged New York , Miami and other major US towns and cities , has many @ @ @ @ @ do not live in America .
“ I am glad I live in Lagos and @ @ @ @ @ one of its surrounding boroughs and towns , ” African Jumbito Okkenchengo-Okkenchengo 'Taff ' Okkenchengo @ @ @ @ @ the view of many Nigerians , said he is also very glad he and his @ @ @ @ @ of muggings , murders , burglaries , and the coronavirus .
When told that Americans @ @ @ @ @ each day , and that simple , ventilators for the outbreak are unaffordable to the @ @ @ @ @ added , “ I think I will go to the mall today and purchase some @ @ @ @ @ denim jacket and maybe a flashdrive Cheers , then . ''

The coronavirus outbreak that has ravaged New York, Miami and other major US towns and cities, has many Africans feeling very glad they do not live in America.
“I am glad I live in Lagos and not in New York or one of its surrounding boroughs and towns,” African Jumbito Okkenchengo-Okkenchengo 'Taff' Okkenchengo said. Okkenchengo, reflecting the view of many Nigerians, said he is also very glad he and his three children are not victims of muggings, murders, burglaries, and the coronavirus.
When told that Americans are dying by the hundreds each day, and that simple, ventilators for the outbreak are unaffordable to the impoverished victims there, Okkenchengo added, “I think I will go to the mall today and purchase some John Denver CDs, a denim jacket and maybe a flashdrive Cheers, then."


thespoof--2020-03-31--Carl Spackler Seeks Sanctuary With Dalai Lama

BILLINGSGATE POST : With Bushwood Country Club closed to play because of the Coronavirus epidemic , course superintendent , Carl Spackler , decided to seek refuge in Tibet with his old pal and mentor , the Dalai Lama .
“ Dude , It 's like crazy over here .
I mean it 's like no one works .
All the guys run around in Saffron robes , chanting umbrageous mumbo-jumbo and sipping green tea .
They do n't seem to dig pushy chicks with pierced nipples and tattoos of insects on their buttocks .
I just got my head shaved @ @ @ @ @ @ @ purification rites soon .
Ca n't wait to see my soul from the inside-out .
Hope to send you photographic evidence if anything shows up .
So far , I haven ’ t seen any rodents or viruses.
” From the Dalai Lama : “ Mr .
Carl Spackler has been under my miasmic tutelage for the past two weeks .
He has already endeared himself to the common beasts of burden in our small Tibetan village , having convinced all of the women that he is indeed the blessed one.
” Slim @ @ @ @ @ @ @ warming to hear that Carl has finally found nirvanna in your land .
Please keep him away from rodents , cross-dressing lamas , and Indian soothsayers .
He is an expert in pyrotechnics .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: With Bushwood Country Club closed to play because of the Coronavirus epidemic, course superintendent, Carl Spackler, decided to seek refuge in Tibet with his old pal and mentor, the Dalai Lama.
He writes to Dr. Billingsgate:
“Dude, It's like crazy over here. I mean it's like no one works. All the guys run around in Saffron robes, chanting umbrageous mumbo-jumbo and sipping green tea. They don't seem to dig pushy chicks with pierced nipples and tattoos of insects on their buttocks.
I just got my head shaved, and I will be going through purification rites soon. Can't wait to see my soul from the inside-out. Hope to send you photographic evidence if anything shows up.
So far, I haven’t seen any rodents or viruses.”
From the Dalai Lama:
“Mr. Carl Spackler has been under my miasmic tutelage for the past two weeks. He has already endeared himself to the common beasts of burden in our small Tibetan village, having convinced all of the women that he is indeed the blessed one.”
Slim: “Dalai, It is heart warming to hear that Carl has finally found nirvanna in your land. Please keep him away from rodents, cross-dressing lamas, and Indian soothsayers. He is an expert in pyrotechnics.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Especially the cross-dressing lamas.”


thespoof--2020-03-30--Kardashians Lose Keys To City Of Miami, Causing Chaos

Socialites , businesswomen , and models , Kim and Kourtney Kardashian , caused chaos yesterday , after misplacing the keys to Miami .
The sisters were awarded the keys to the city in 2012 , an honor bestowed upon them by the municipality after the sisters filmed episodes of their reality show in the city .
They were presented with the keys during a lavish ceremony hosted by North Miami Mayor , Andre D.PierreSo .
An array of assistants , sycophants , and lackeys , as well as the Kardashian 's army of bodyguards , have not been able to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ oversized and gold .
“ I thought I had them in my jacket pocket , but I might have left them in the kitchen .
We have looked everywhere ; behind the sofa , under the bed , in the fridge , everywhere - but I simply have no idea where I left them , '' said the elder Kardashian .
Meanwhile , traffic is backed-up on the I-95 , I-575 , and US-1 , as angry residents , locked out of their city , wait for the keys to be found .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ is left a spare set under a rock near the entrance or something , '' said resident , Papi Cruz , who had been stuck in his car for six hours .
`` It would have saved all this chaos .
Dios Mio . ''

Socialites, businesswomen, and models, Kim and Kourtney Kardashian, caused chaos yesterday, after misplacing the keys to Miami.
The sisters were awarded the keys to the city in 2012, an honor bestowed upon them by the municipality after the sisters filmed episodes of their reality show in the city. They were presented with the keys during a lavish ceremony hosted by North Miami Mayor, Andre D.PierreSo.
An array of assistants, sycophants, and lackeys, as well as the Kardashian's army of bodyguards, have not been able to locate the keys, despite them being oversized and gold.
“I thought I had them in my jacket pocket, but I might have left them in the kitchen. We have looked everywhere; behind the sofa, under the bed, in the fridge, everywhere - but I simply have no idea where I left them," said the elder Kardashian.
Meanwhile, traffic is backed-up on the I-95, I-575, and US-1, as angry residents, locked out of their city, wait for the keys to be found.
"What they should have done, is left a spare set under a rock near the entrance or something," said resident, Papi Cruz, who had been stuck in his car for six hours. "It would have saved all this chaos. Dios Mio."


thespoof--2020-03-31--Nashville Man Consoles Himself that He Probably Wouldn't Have Made 2020 Summer Olympics Anyway

After learning that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo had been postponed until July of 2021 , Wayne Markham of Nashville , Tennessee , consoled himself that he probably would n't have made the Olympics this year , anyway .
`` I had n't gotten into the really hardcore training yet , '' he said .
`` And I had n't decided on a sport .
So , realistically , my chances of making it this summer were probably pretty slim . ''
He shook his head ruefully .
`` I was still going to try , though . ''
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ he is determined to make good use of the unexpected additional year he 'll have to train .
`` I want to really get focused .
The first thing , though , is to pick a sport .
That 's a process that ca n't be rushed . ''
And , so , like countless other aspiring Olympic athletes , in lieu of competing , Markham will be continuing to dream of the day he brings home the gold - even if that day has been delayed by 365 days due to forces @ @ @ @ @ @ @ makes you stronger , '' he said .
`` And it 'll only make victory that much sweeter . ''

After learning that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo had been postponed until July of 2021, Wayne Markham of Nashville, Tennessee, consoled himself that he probably wouldn't have made the Olympics this year, anyway.
"I hadn't gotten into the really hardcore training yet," he said. "And I hadn't decided on a sport. So, realistically, my chances of making it this summer were probably pretty slim." He shook his head ruefully. "I was still going to try, though."
Despite the setback, Markham says that he is determined to make good use of the unexpected additional year he'll have to train. "I want to really get focused. The first thing, though, is to pick a sport. That's a process that can't be rushed."
And, so, like countless other aspiring Olympic athletes, in lieu of competing, Markham will be continuing to dream of the day he brings home the gold - even if that day has been delayed by 365 days due to forces beyond his control. "Hardship only makes you stronger," he said. "And it'll only make victory that much sweeter."


thespoof--2020-03-31--A Woman Becomes Pregnant While Waiting in Line at an Arkansas Walmart

HOT SPRINGS , Arkansas – A Walmart security guard with 17 years experience , said he saw a very unusual thing while on night duty at a local Walmart .
Security guard , Fabian Gribble , told the local authorities that a woman , who said her name was Betsy Belle Lazenby , said she dozed off while she was standing in line to get into the store to buy toilet paper , M & Ms , and tampons .
Lazenby said that , when she awoke , her hair was disheveled , and her jogging shorts were on backwards @ @ @ @ @ @ @ did the home pregnancy test , and she learned that she was pregnant .
The 29-year-old unmarried woman said that she was shocked , since she had not been intimate with anyone in 17 days .
Meanwhile , when the security guard checked out the surveillance tape , he noticed that Miss Lazenby had , in fact , been fully molested as she waited in line .
The Hot Springs Police Department is said to be looking for a man in his late 40s , about 272 pounds , and wearing a Bill @ @ @

HOT SPRINGS, Arkansas – A Walmart security guard with 17 years experience, said he saw a very unusual thing while on night duty at a local Walmart.
Security guard, Fabian Gribble, told the local authorities that a woman, who said her name was Betsy Belle Lazenby, said she dozed off while she was standing in line to get into the store to buy toilet paper, M&Ms, and tampons.
Lazenby said that, when she awoke, her hair was disheveled, and her jogging shorts were on backwards.
After she got home, she did the home pregnancy test, and she learned that she was pregnant.
The 29-year-old unmarried woman said that she was shocked, since she had not been intimate with anyone in 17 days.
Meanwhile, when the security guard checked out the surveillance tape, he noticed that Miss Lazenby had, in fact, been fully molested as she waited in line.
The Hot Springs Police Department is said to be looking for a man in his late 40s, about 272 pounds, and wearing a Bill Cosby mask.


thespoof--2020-03-31--Amazon’s Alexa is Now Openly Chatting With People Who are in Self-Isolation

NEW YORK CITY – Alexa , Amazon ’ s personal virtual assistant , who came into being in 2014 , has become tremendously popular , and has now been asked to step it up a notch .
Alexa , who has been called everything from a voice interaction goddess to an intrusive nosey female , is noted for playing whatever song one requests , including songs by The Smashing Pumpkins , Tom Brady 's favorite band .
Miss Alexa can also provide the listener with the traffic report , the weather report , and Taylor Swift ’ s current love @ @ @ @ @ @ @ times of self-isolation and self-quarantining , the soft-spoken lady will actually sit and have a conversation on whatever subject one wishes to have .
One customer , Griffin Ripperton , 31 , who resides in Indianapolis , stated that he had a 20-minute chat with 'Lexie ' regarding his ED ( erectile dysfunction ) .
Griff noted that Miss Alexa was very compassionate and understanding , and he pointed out that , after his chat with her , he felt a lot better about himself and “ Herman ” .
Another Alexa fan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said that she talked to Alexa , and the sweet woman told her , step-by-step , how to sew a prom dress for her granddaughter .
Amazon does warn its customers that Alexa will not tolerate anyone being disrespectful and asking her very personal , intimate questions regarding sex .
New York City radio personality , Howard Stern , came very close to getting arrested for speaking to Alexa in an extremely lewd and crude manner , which caused her to become extremely upset .
The iRumors News Agency is reporting that Stern @ @ @ @ @ @ @ agreed to pay a $ 2,000 fine , and personally apologize to Miss Alexa .

NEW YORK CITY – Alexa, Amazon’s personal virtual assistant, who came into being in 2014, has become tremendously popular, and has now been asked to step it up a notch.
Alexa, who has been called everything from a voice interaction goddess to an intrusive nosey female, is noted for playing whatever song one requests, including songs by The Smashing Pumpkins, Tom Brady's favorite band.
Miss Alexa can also provide the listener with the traffic report, the weather report, and Taylor Swift’s current love interest.
And now, in these times of self-isolation and self-quarantining, the soft-spoken lady will actually sit and have a conversation on whatever subject one wishes to have.
One customer, Griffin Ripperton, 31, who resides in Indianapolis, stated that he had a 20-minute chat with 'Lexie' regarding his ED (erectile dysfunction).
Griff noted that Miss Alexa was very compassionate and understanding, and he pointed out that, after his chat with her, he felt a lot better about himself and “Herman”.
Another Alexa fan, Pamela McGillicutty, of Phoenix, said that she talked to Alexa, and the sweet woman told her, step-by-step, how to sew a prom dress for her granddaughter.
Amazon does warn its customers that Alexa will not tolerate anyone being disrespectful and asking her very personal, intimate questions regarding sex.
New York City radio personality, Howard Stern, came very close to getting arrested for speaking to Alexa in an extremely lewd and crude manner, which caused her to become extremely upset.
The iRumors News Agency is reporting that Stern was let off the hook after he agreed to pay a $2,000 fine, and personally apologize to Miss Alexa.


thespoof--2020-03-31--Fox News Considering Firing Judge Jeanine Pirro

NEW YORK CITY – Word coming out of the Ivory Tower at the Fair and Balanced Network is that the powers-that-be are not at all happy with one Judge Jeanine Pirro .
And the reason for Fox News honchos being unhappy , is because Judge Pirro , who was telecasting her show from her home , appeared to be somewhat under the influence .
When “ Tipsy ” Pirro started her show , she could be seen blinking every 1.3 seconds , and her hair looked like she had combed it with firecrackers .
If one looked closely , one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ actually on backwards .
But , perhaps , the big tip-off was the bottle of Smirnoff Vodka that could clearly be seen at the end of her desk .
Pirro ’ s maid , Athena , said that Pirro was not drunk , and that she was just tired from having done 400 sit-ups earlier in the day .
The maid also revealed that the judge had eaten a lobster a mere hour before showtime , that most likely was tainted with New Jersey ocean bottom bacteria .
And as east coast residents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bottom bacteria can cause all kinds of problems from dizziness to athlete ’ s foot .
It can also cause one to appear quite drunk and mispronounce simple words such as “ cow ” , “ the ” , and “ hmmmm ” .
A spokesperson for the network has said that the big boys ( bosses ) are meeting to see if they can fire Pirro without her pitching a fit and threatening to countersue .
IN CLOSING - An insider stated that Pirro will not get fired , simply because she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sean Hannity , Tucker Carlson , Laura Ingraham , and some other little-known Foxer named Greg Gutfeld .

NEW YORK CITY – Word coming out of the Ivory Tower at the Fair and Balanced Network is that the powers-that-be are not at all happy with one Judge Jeanine Pirro.
And the reason for Fox News honchos being unhappy, is because Judge Pirro, who was telecasting her show from her home, appeared to be somewhat under the influence.
When “Tipsy” Pirro started her show, she could be seen blinking every 1.3 seconds, and her hair looked like she had combed it with firecrackers.
If one looked closely, one could also see that her bra was actually on backwards.
But, perhaps, the big tip-off was the bottle of Smirnoff Vodka that could clearly be seen at the end of her desk.
Pirro’s maid, Athena, said that Pirro was not drunk, and that she was just tired from having done 400 sit-ups earlier in the day.
The maid also revealed that the judge had eaten a lobster a mere hour before showtime, that most likely was tainted with New Jersey ocean bottom bacteria.
And as east coast residents are well aware, New Jersey ocean bottom bacteria can cause all kinds of problems from dizziness to athlete’s foot.
It can also cause one to appear quite drunk and mispronounce simple words such as “cow”, “the”, and “hmmmm”.
A spokesperson for the network has said that the big boys (bosses) are meeting to see if they can fire Pirro without her pitching a fit and threatening to countersue.
IN CLOSING - An insider stated that Pirro will not get fired, simply because she just has way too much dirt on Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, Laura Ingraham, and some other little-known Foxer named Greg Gutfeld.


thespoof--2020-04-01--Family Game Of Monopoly Ends In Murder Suicide

A man shot and killed his wife and three other family members in Florida , before turning the gun on himself , according to a report in the Fort Lauderdale Times .
The apparent murder-suicide happened on Sunday afternoon , whilst the family were in forced self-isolation , and playing a family game of Monopoly .
`` Apparently , the husband was extremely upset that his wife would not sell him Illinois Avenue , '' explained Sheriff Tatty Mullett Jnr .
`` He was still annoyed that , earlier in the game , he was n't allowed to be the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the boot .
Obviously , as tensions mounted during the game , emotions boiled over . ''
Neighbor , Kenwood Monkson , who was friends with the family , said he had often attended game nights with the family , and those evenings sometimes became heated , and arguments would flash up .
`` There was a lot of pilfering from the bank going on , underhand deals that flouted the laws of the game , teaming-up , and arguments about what the purpose of Free Parking was .
I know him .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ forced into isolation with his family , and then not only not being able to be his favorite token , but then his wife deliberately blocking him from getting a full set just pushed him over the edge . ''

A man shot and killed his wife and three other family members in Florida, before turning the gun on himself, according to a report in the Fort Lauderdale Times.
The apparent murder-suicide happened on Sunday afternoon, whilst the family were in forced self-isolation, and playing a family game of Monopoly.
"Apparently, the husband was extremely upset that his wife would not sell him Illinois Avenue," explained Sheriff Tatty Mullett Jnr. "He was still annoyed that, earlier in the game, he wasn't allowed to be the battleship, but was forced to be the boot. Obviously, as tensions mounted during the game, emotions boiled over."
Neighbor, Kenwood Monkson, who was friends with the family, said he had often attended game nights with the family, and those evenings sometimes became heated, and arguments would flash up. "There was a lot of pilfering from the bank going on, underhand deals that flouted the laws of the game, teaming-up, and arguments about what the purpose of Free Parking was. I know him. I can only assume, after being forced into isolation with his family, and then not only not being able to be his favorite token, but then his wife deliberately blocking him from getting a full set just pushed him over the edge."


thespoof--2020-04-01--Uber Passenger Upset By Drivers Review

Uber Passenger Upset By Drivers Review

Duncan Whitehead , a 53-year-old author , businessman , and male model from Fort Lauderdale , was shocked and saddened Wednesday after receiving a sub-par rating and review from uber driver Jose Fernandez .
The rating out of 5 given to Whitehead was 2 , and the review contained words such as obese .
below average , mean , and ' a bit smelly ' .
Whitehead , hurt by the evaluation , pointed out that he never tips bus drivers , so why tip an uber driver ?
Although the review has deeply hurt Duncan 's feelings , Fernandez @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He was so boring , ” said Fernandez , one of 7,000,000 Uber drivers in Miami .
“ His Spanish was awful , he tried to communicate , but I could not understand a word he said .
He did n't tip me .
Oh , and he was so fat , he left an indent in my back seat .
Do n't get me started on his BO . ''
The poor rating has left Whitehead distraught and doubting his ability to become a good uber passenger in the future .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at being driven around , ” said Whitehead , recipient of the 2013 and 2014 International Book Awards from Readers Favorite .
“ Jose is right .
I am totally boring .
And , yes , I did n't tip ; even though I said I would do it later online , as I had no cash .
Which was n't true .
I had loads of cash.
” Though Whitehead has attempted to contact Fernandez numerous times by telephone , he has not returned his calls , leading Whitehead to believe that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the author .
“ I ’ m always driving or drunk , or both , when he calls , so I do n't answer , ” said Fernandez , who maintains that the review and rating were fair .
Those close to Whitehead agree that the negative review is difficult to overcome .
“ Duncan is trying to keep a stiff upper lip around his family and friends , but I know he ’ s taking it very hard , ” said Gissell Whitehead , a realtor and Whitehead ’ s wife of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down that drivers like Jose deserve more from him . ''

Duncan Whitehead, a 53-year-old author, businessman, and male model from Fort Lauderdale, was shocked and saddened Wednesday after receiving a sub-par rating and review from uber driver Jose Fernandez. The rating out of 5 given to Whitehead was 2, and the review contained words such as obese. below average, mean, and 'a bit smelly'.
Whitehead, hurt by the evaluation, pointed out that he never tips bus drivers, so why tip an uber driver?
Although the review has deeply hurt Duncan's feelings, Fernandez defended his rating and review.
“He was so boring,” said Fernandez, one of 7,000,000 Uber drivers in Miami. “His Spanish was awful, he tried to communicate, but I could not understand a word he said. He didn't tip me. Oh, and he was so fat, he left an indent in my back seat. Don't get me started on his BO."
The poor rating has left Whitehead distraught and doubting his ability to become a good uber passenger in the future.
“Maybe I’m just no good at being driven around,” said Whitehead, recipient of the 2013 and 2014 International Book Awards from Readers Favorite. “Jose is right. I am totally boring. And, yes, I didn't tip; even though I said I would do it later online, as I had no cash. Which wasn't true. I had loads of cash.”
Though Whitehead has attempted to contact Fernandez numerous times by telephone, he has not returned his calls, leading Whitehead to believe that Fernandez is serious in his condemnation of the author.
“I’m always driving or drunk, or both, when he calls, so I don't answer,” said Fernandez, who maintains that the review and rating were fair.
Those close to Whitehead agree that the negative review is difficult to overcome.
“Duncan is trying to keep a stiff upper lip around his family and friends, but I know he’s taking it very hard,” said Gissell Whitehead, a realtor and Whitehead’s wife of many years. “He knows deep down that drivers like Jose deserve more from him."


thespoof--2020-04-01--Justin Trudeau Resigns Amidst Coronavirus Pandemic

Canadian Prime Minister , Justin Trudeau , sent shock waves through Canada during his daily press briefing on Wednesday morning , after announcing that he would be stepping down as the Prime Minister of Canada .
The forty-eight-year-old leader said in his statement : `` After due consideration , and with a heavy heart , I have decided that this great country needs leadership at this time that I can not offer .
I am , therefore , stepping down as Prime Minister . ''
Canadian Members of Parliament immediately took to social media to express their thoughts and feelings @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Tweeted out : `` Justin Trudeau is the Prime Minister Canada deserves , but not the one it needs right now '' .
On Facebook , the former Canadian Prime Minister , Stephen Harper wrote , `` I did say he 's just not ready '' .
Mr. Trudeau has been the Prime Minister of Canada since November 2015 .
According to the Associated Press , Canadians in the western provinces have taken to the streets , breaking all social-distancing advisories .
According to one source , `` Celebrating today is worth the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ our chief correspondent , Brad Heffernan , has felt the need to apologize to all Canadian Conservatives for going too far with his April Fools joke this year , and encourages all Canadians to please return to their homes where it 's safe .

Canadian Prime Minister, Justin Trudeau, sent shock waves through Canada during his daily press briefing on Wednesday morning, after announcing that he would be stepping down as the Prime Minister of Canada.
The forty-eight-year-old leader said in his statement: "After due consideration, and with a heavy heart, I have decided that this great country needs leadership at this time that I cannot offer. I am, therefore, stepping down as Prime Minister."
Canadian Members of Parliament immediately took to social media to express their thoughts and feelings upon the stark revelation. Maryam Monsef Tweeted out: "Justin Trudeau is the Prime Minister Canada deserves, but not the one it needs right now". On Facebook, the former Canadian Prime Minister, Stephen Harper wrote, "I did say he's just not ready".
Mr. Trudeau has been the Prime Minister of Canada since November 2015. According to the Associated Press, Canadians in the western provinces have taken to the streets, breaking all social-distancing advisories. According to one source, "Celebrating today is worth the risk". Following this realization, our chief correspondent, Brad Heffernan, has felt the need to apologize to all Canadian Conservatives for going too far with his April Fools joke this year, and encourages all Canadians to please return to their homes where it's safe.


thespoof--2020-04-01--The C-19 Scare Is Causing People in North Dakota to Stock Up on Marshmallows

PETTIBONE , North Dakota – In the winter time , the temperatures in Pettibone can get down to 37 degrees below zero .
And , when that happens , many North Dakotans have seen woodpeckers whose peckers simply fall off .
Luckily , they do start to grow back , and the woodpecker will be as good as new , and once again pecking like crazy in about four days .
The life-long residents of Pettibone have learned one thing : you better stock up on food , because , if you don ’ t , you may find yourself @ @ @ @ @ @ @ content , and what exactly you can put on it to help take away that papery taste .
Dr. Shania Scardino , who last year was voted the third-most respected doctor in Pettibone , said that the town ’ s residents learned that eating marshmallows will fill up your stomach pretty quick , and , as a result , it will take away that persistent “ I ’ m hungry ” feeling .
The good doctor added that with the COVID-19 becoming more prevalent , she is suggesting to her patients that eating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off those dastardly C-19 bacteria germs .
Dr. Scardino hopes to meet with President Trump ’ s Coronavirus Task Force , and discuss the possible marshmallow/C-19 interaction .

PETTIBONE, North Dakota – In the winter time, the temperatures in Pettibone can get down to 37 degrees below zero.
And, when that happens, many North Dakotans have seen woodpeckers whose peckers simply fall off.
Luckily, they do start to grow back, and the woodpecker will be as good as new, and once again pecking like crazy in about four days.
The life-long residents of Pettibone have learned one thing: you better stock up on food, because, if you don’t, you may find yourself eyeing magazines and wondering about the carb content, and what exactly you can put on it to help take away that papery taste.
Dr. Shania Scardino, who last year was voted the third-most respected doctor in Pettibone, said that the town’s residents learned that eating marshmallows will fill up your stomach pretty quick, and, as a result, it will take away that persistent “I’m hungry” feeling.
The good doctor added that with the COVID-19 becoming more prevalent, she is suggesting to her patients that eating marshmallows could possibly, maybe, ward off those dastardly C-19 bacteria germs.
Dr. Scardino hopes to meet with President Trump’s Coronavirus Task Force, and discuss the possible marshmallow/C-19 interaction.


thespoof--2020-04-01--A Louisiana Sky Writer is Making a Killing Sky Writing “Stay Inside, Don’t Risk Getting Shot!”

LAFAYETTE , Louisiana – Up until a few days ago , lifelong Louisiana resident , Jean Boniface Baptiste , was an unemployed shrimp salesman .
But today , he is literally making a killing working as a sky writer .
Baptiste says that he borrowed his ex-wife ’ s Cessna Two-Seater , and took to the sky with 10 gallons of white skywriting powder .
The former shrimp salesman was awarded a lucrative contract by the city of Lafayette to work eight hours a day up in the sky , skywriting the phrase “ Stay Inside – Don ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ City Council has voted into law one of the strongest shelter-in-place policies of any state in the nation .
Meanwhile , the Lafayette Police Department wants to get the word out that anyone violating the shelter-in-place proclamation could end up getting shot .
Jean Boniface says that he estimates he writes the skywriting phrase at least 400 times a day .
He revealed tongue-in-cheek that towards the end of his shift , the gets kind of bored , and will slip in a few “ Stay Inside – Don ’ t Risk Getting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Baptiste stated that he plans to donate 15 % of his earnings to The Louisiana Bayou Home For Retired Shrimp Giggers .

LAFAYETTE, Louisiana – Up until a few days ago, lifelong Louisiana resident, Jean Boniface Baptiste, was an unemployed shrimp salesman.
But today, he is literally making a killing working as a sky writer.
Baptiste says that he borrowed his ex-wife’s Cessna Two-Seater, and took to the sky with 10 gallons of white skywriting powder.
The former shrimp salesman was awarded a lucrative contract by the city of Lafayette to work eight hours a day up in the sky, skywriting the phrase “Stay Inside – Don’t Risk Getting Shot!”
The Lafayette City Council has voted into law one of the strongest shelter-in-place policies of any state in the nation.
Meanwhile, the Lafayette Police Department wants to get the word out that anyone violating the shelter-in-place proclamation could end up getting shot.
Jean Boniface says that he estimates he writes the skywriting phrase at least 400 times a day.
He revealed tongue-in-cheek that towards the end of his shift, the gets kind of bored, and will slip in a few “Stay Inside – Don’t Risk Getting Your Cajun Ass Shot!” messages.
Baptiste stated that he plans to donate 15% of his earnings to The Louisiana Bayou Home For Retired Shrimp Giggers.


thespoof--2020-04-01--A Costa Rican ‘Tourist’ Caught Trying to Smuggle 70 Rolls of Charmin Toilet Paper Into the USA

CALEXICO , California - Border Patrol agents in the border town of Calexico have apprehended a person they described as being an illegal tourist .
Agents Dusty Voight and Chauncey Ortega said that they were patrolling the border wall between Calexico and Mexicali , Mexico , when they saw a man emerge from what turned out to be a 65-foot tunnel .
The man , identified as Pablo Pedro Belinski , 19 , said that it took him 51 days to dig the tunnel .
When asked what he had used to dig the tunnel , he showed the agents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had gotten at a Dairy Queen in Mexicali .
Belinski was apprehended in possession of 70 rolls of Charmin .
Agent Ortega asked what he was going to do with all of the rolls , and Pedro replied , “ I wuzz going tu take dem tu Beberlee Heels.
” He confessed that his boss had given him a list of celebrities who had placed orders for the hard-to-find toilet paper .
Agent Voight estimated that the 70 rolls of toilet paper had a street value of 14,000 pesos ( $ 560 in @ @ @ @

CALEXICO, California - Border Patrol agents in the border town of Calexico have apprehended a person they described as being an illegal tourist.
Agents Dusty Voight and Chauncey Ortega said that they were patrolling the border wall between Calexico and Mexicali, Mexico, when they saw a man emerge from what turned out to be a 65-foot tunnel.
The man, identified as Pablo Pedro Belinski, 19, said that it took him 51 days to dig the tunnel.
When asked what he had used to dig the tunnel, he showed the agents a plastic ice cream spoon that he had gotten at a Dairy Queen in Mexicali.
Belinski was apprehended in possession of 70 rolls of Charmin. Agent Ortega asked what he was going to do with all of the rolls, and Pedro replied, “I wuzz going tu take dem tu Beberlee Heels.”
He confessed that his boss had given him a list of celebrities who had placed orders for the hard-to-find toilet paper.
Agent Voight estimated that the 70 rolls of toilet paper had a street value of 14,000 pesos ($560 in US money).


thespoof--2020-04-01--Florida Man Working From Home Clock Watches Wishing For End Of Working Day

David Pines , 65 , from Fort Lauderdale , in Florida , sighs in exasperation , and checks the clock above his kitchen table for the tenth time in so many minutes .
Wednesday , he had spent a long day working from home due to the imposed lockdown declared in Broward County , waiting until he could finally stop working , so he could go back to being lonely .
“ It ’ s so annoying having to be here doing all this tedious e-mailing and messaging sat at my kitchen table , when I could be sitting all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Pines , telling reporters he was “ counting down the minutes ” until he could , at long last , stretch out on the sofa , and just feel empty inside for the rest of the evening .
“ For the last two hours , I have n't done a thing .
It 's a slow day , so I have been sat here just twiddling my thumbs doing nothing .
I have just been itching to get to my sofa , put on the TV , or porn - probably porn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fall asleep , and do the same thing over again tomorrow .
God , it feels like five o ’ clock will never come .
”

David Pines, 65, from Fort Lauderdale, in Florida, sighs in exasperation, and checks the clock above his kitchen table for the tenth time in so many minutes.
Wednesday, he had spent a long day working from home due to the imposed lockdown declared in Broward County, waiting until he could finally stop working, so he could go back to being lonely.
“It’s so annoying having to be here doing all this tedious e-mailing and messaging sat at my kitchen table, when I could be sitting all alone in my living room,” said Pines, telling reporters he was “counting down the minutes” until he could, at long last, stretch out on the sofa, and just feel empty inside for the rest of the evening.
“For the last two hours, I haven't done a thing. It's a slow day, so I have been sat here just twiddling my thumbs doing nothing. I have just been itching to get to my sofa, put on the TV, or porn - probably porn - and masturbate the night away, fall asleep, and do the same thing over again tomorrow. God, it feels like five o’clock will never come.”


thespoof--2020-04-02--Trump Declares War on Coronavirus? No, On Venezuela!

April 1 , 2020 .
The White House , Washington , D.C. - Exclusive to The Spoof .
At an @ @ @ @ @ `` the invisible enemy '' , President Donald Trump brought forth a flock of his @ @ @ @ @ war on drugs in Latin America , aimed specifically at Venezuela .
Why , in @ @ @ @ @ crisis , did the Trump regime choose to spend the first ten minutes of a @ @ @ @ @ of ships planes and troops into the Caribbean ?
White House insiders claim it was @ @ @ @ @ , intended to get the public 's attention off the regime 's failed efforts at @ @ @ @ @ emphasizing a powerful move against the drug cartels and Venezuela .
The ship and troop @ @ @ @ @ , they added .
When the bombs fall on Caracas , however , it 's @ @ @ @ @ Wait a minute !
Maybe it 's only an April Fool 's Day joke .

April 1, 2020. The White House, Washington, D.C. - Exclusive to The Spoof. At an update on the fight against "the invisible enemy", President Donald Trump brought forth a flock of his top aides to announce a war on drugs in Latin America, aimed specifically at Venezuela.
Why, in the midst of the virus crisis, did the Trump regime choose to spend the first ten minutes of a Covid-19 briefing detailing the movement of ships planes and troops into the Caribbean? White House insiders claim it was simply a form of diversion, intended to get the public's attention off the regime's failed efforts at combating the virus, by emphasizing a powerful move against the drug cartels and Venezuela. The ship and troop movements are simply a ploy, they added.
When the bombs fall on Caracas, however, it's no longer a ploy.
Wait a minute! Maybe it's only an April Fool's Day joke.


thespoof--2020-04-01--Absence of Sexual Assault Allegations Against Sanders Causes Some to Question Viability of His Candi

Absence of Sexual Assault Allegations Against Sanders Causes Some to Question Viability of His Candidacy

After presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump was recorded describing his preferred means of sexually harassing women , and Democratic front-runner Joe Biden was alleged to have sexually assaulted former staffer Tara Reade , the lack of any sexual assault allegations whatsoever against Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has caused some to question the viability of his presidential candidacy .
“ Not to be politically incorrect , but men who make it in politics sexually harass , ” said registered Independent Ron Parker of Wyoming .
“ The fact that there ’ s never even been a glimmer of impropriety around Sanders @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it takes.
” Julie Johnson of New York City agreed .
“ It ’ s creepy , ” she said of the utter absence of sexual assault allegations against Sanders .
“ It suggests to me that he ’ s totally unwilling to work with women.
” Nevertheless , Sanders ’ s most steadfast supporters , including some white males , have pledged to stick by the senator in his continued quest for the Democratic nomination and , ultimately , the presidency .
“ Even if he hasn ’ t had the breadth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expect in a presidential candidate , ” said New York voter Kyle Munson , “ at the end of the day , he ’ s one of us .
And I ’ m confident he ’ ll grow into the office .
”

After presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump was recorded describing his preferred means of sexually harassing women, and Democratic front-runner Joe Biden was alleged to have sexually assaulted former staffer Tara Reade, the lack of any sexual assault allegations whatsoever against Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders has caused some to question the viability of his presidential candidacy.
“Not to be politically incorrect, but men who make it in politics sexually harass,” said registered Independent Ron Parker of Wyoming. “The fact that there’s never even been a glimmer of impropriety around Sanders makes me wonder if he has what it takes.”
Julie Johnson of New York City agreed. “It’s creepy,” she said of the utter absence of sexual assault allegations against Sanders. “It suggests to me that he’s totally unwilling to work with women.”
Nevertheless, Sanders’s most steadfast supporters, including some white males, have pledged to stick by the senator in his continued quest for the Democratic nomination and, ultimately, the presidency. “Even if he hasn’t had the breadth of experience you’d tend to expect in a presidential candidate,” said New York voter Kyle Munson, “at the end of the day, he’s one of us. And I’m confident he’ll grow into the office.”


Corona's Corona-Virus Update

Corona ’ s parent company reports that its beer sales in the U.S. are up this year , contrary to @ @ @ @ @ claim its U.S. sales have dropped because of the new coronavirus .
Against popular belief @ @ @ @ @ 's posting about Corona Beer , its sales are up despite having the same name @ @ @ @ @ mis-information came from surveys where people stated they would drink less Corona Beer due to @ @ @ @ @ Coronavirus .
According to the data , about 16 % of the people surveyed were @ @ @ @ @ was related to the virus ; 24 % did not know their left from their @ @ @ @ @ reported they did not know their @ $ $ from a hole in the ground @ @ @ @ @ false data , Kenny Rogers did not die from drinking Corona or from the Coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ from not knowing when to fold them .

Corona’s parent company reports that its beer sales in the U.S. are up this year, contrary to viral Facebook posts that falsely claim its U.S. sales have dropped because of the new coronavirus.
Against popular belief amongst all of you Facebooker's posting about Corona Beer, its sales are up despite having the same name as our Coronavirus.
The mis-information came from surveys where people stated they would drink less Corona Beer due to the devastatingly-present presence of the Coronavirus.
According to the data, about 16% of the people surveyed were confused about whether the beer was related to the virus; 24% did not know their left from their right; and 60% reported they did not know their @$$ from a hole in the ground.
According to even more false data, Kenny Rogers did not die from drinking Corona or from the Coronavirus, it most likely resulted from not knowing when to fold them.


thespoof--2020-04-02--Study Shows Most Americans Prefer Indefinite Isolation to Giving Up Bacon

Amidst the panic of coronavirus , the origins of which can be traced to a species of bat commonly eaten in China , a new study from the Make America Meat Again think tank in Raleigh , North Carolina , shows that most Americans prefer the prospect of indefinite self-isolation to getting the animals out of agriculture – the most effective means of preventing future pandemics like COVID-19 .
`` It 's mainly the bacon , '' said MAMA President Dick Schafer .
`` It 's important to people . ''
One such American is 43-year-old Decker Hollis of Nashville @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the information that the best way of stopping the emergence of pandemic viruses in the first place is to eliminate the mass farming of non-human animals , which has been the source of all historic viruses , including bird flu and swine flu , as well as non-viruses like mad cow disease .
“ I ’ d go along with stopping eating bats , ” said Hollis .
“ But pigs and chickens ?
And cows ?
That would mean changing everything about our society and how we live .
I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Hollis 's primary concerns is the toll that shifting to a vegan diet would take on society and , particularly , local businesses .
Referring to a popular Nashville barbecue joint , he said , “ Hey , if I have to have my hot chicken from Hattie B ’ s delivered and eat in front of the T.V .
for the rest of my life , I ’ ll do it .
But I ’ m going to do everything I can to make sure they stay in business.
” And @ @ @ @ @ @ @ farming of non-human animals presents a veritable guarantee of future pandemics far worse than COVID-19 , Hollis says that 's a risk he 's willing to take for the sake of preserving local food culture .
`` Sure , staying at home all the time and being out of work are a drag , '' he said .
`` But we have to make sacrifices for the things that are important to us .
We ’ re all in this together .
”

Amidst the panic of coronavirus, the origins of which can be traced to a species of bat commonly eaten in China, a new study from the Make America Meat Again think tank in Raleigh, North Carolina, shows that most Americans prefer the prospect of indefinite self-isolation to getting the animals out of agriculture – the most effective means of preventing future pandemics like COVID-19.
"It's mainly the bacon," said MAMA President Dick Schafer. "It's important to people."
One such American is 43-year-old Decker Hollis of Nashville, Tennessee, who absorbed in stride the information that the best way of stopping the emergence of pandemic viruses in the first place is to eliminate the mass farming of non-human animals, which has been the source of all historic viruses, including bird flu and swine flu, as well as non-viruses like mad cow disease.
“I’d go along with stopping eating bats,” said Hollis. “But pigs and chickens? And cows? That would mean changing everything about our society and how we live. I’m just not comfortable with that.”
One of Hollis's primary concerns is the toll that shifting to a vegan diet would take on society and, particularly, local businesses. Referring to a popular Nashville barbecue joint, he said, “Hey, if I have to have my hot chicken from Hattie B’s delivered and eat in front of the T.V. for the rest of my life, I’ll do it. But I’m going to do everything I can to make sure they stay in business.”
And, while acknowledging that the continued factory farming of non-human animals presents a veritable guarantee of future pandemics far worse than COVID-19, Hollis says that's a risk he's willing to take for the sake of preserving local food culture. "Sure, staying at home all the time and being out of work are a drag," he said. "But we have to make sacrifices for the things that are important to us. We’re all in this together.”


thespoof--2020-04-02--A Brooklyn Liquor Store Had a Line Outside With People Waiting To Rob It

NEW YORK CITY – The New York World Register is reporting that most liquor stores in the five New York boroughs are doing booming business .
Cortez Bellisario , who owns The Spirits of Brooklyn Liquor Store , said that his high sales volume indicates that there are a lot of shelter-in-place folks who are either drinking a lot more , or who have taken up drinking due to the C-19 .
He noted that he recently had a huge line outside of his store with individuals who were waiting in line to actually rob it .
Bellisario said that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ masks , hockey helmets , and Lone Ranger masks , it is getting harder and harder to know who is a robber , and who is just a big-time boozer .
A reporter with the World Register interviewed Mr. Bellisario , and asked him how he would defend his store against a robber .
The former Navy seal told the reporter to look behind the counter .
When the reporter did , he saw three of the biggest meanest pit bulls he has ever seen .
He said that he really felt sorry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ enough to try and hold up this liquor store .
The World Register reporter asked Bellisario what he fed his dogs on .
The liquor store owner replied that he fed them Kibbles and Bits laced with the hottest Habanero peppers on the face of the Earth .

NEW YORK CITY – The New York World Register is reporting that most liquor stores in the five New York boroughs are doing booming business.
Cortez Bellisario, who owns The Spirits of Brooklyn Liquor Store, said that his high sales volume indicates that there are a lot of shelter-in-place folks who are either drinking a lot more, or who have taken up drinking due to the C-19.
He noted that he recently had a huge line outside of his store with individuals who were waiting in line to actually rob it.
Bellisario said that with so many people now wearing medical masks, hockey helmets, and Lone Ranger masks, it is getting harder and harder to know who is a robber, and who is just a big-time boozer.
A reporter with the World Register interviewed Mr. Bellisario, and asked him how he would defend his store against a robber.
The former Navy seal told the reporter to look behind the counter.
When the reporter did, he saw three of the biggest meanest pit bulls he has ever seen. He said that he really felt sorry for the first person who was stupid enough to try and hold up this liquor store.
The World Register reporter asked Bellisario what he fed his dogs on. The liquor store owner replied that he fed them Kibbles and Bits laced with the hottest Habanero peppers on the face of the Earth.


thespoof--2020-04-02--A Powerful Earthquake Hits Idaho – Reports Say That There Are Tons and Tons of Mashed Potatoes All O

A Powerful Earthquake Hits Idaho – Reports Say That There Are Tons and Tons of Mashed Potatoes All Over The Place

BOISE , Idaho – A 6.5 magnitude earthquake struck just northeast of Boise and it was felt as far off as Missoula , Montana a distance of 365.4 miles .
A potato farmer Dalton Friggity said that he and his wife ( Lorelei ) were watching reruns of The Housewives of Intercourse , Pennsylvania , when the Witch as Idahoans refer to earthquakes hit .
He said that his wife instantly jumped on his lap and started crying .
He then began to cry because his wife had kicked him in his crotcharino area with her size 9 cowgirl boot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cube pack and a bottle of Jack Daniels to deaden the unbelievable pain , the two went outside to check out their property .
The Friggity 's own a 6,000 acre potato farm and Dalton could not believe his eyes .
As he looked out into the distance , he and his wife could see that their potato fields had now turned into one big , gigantic sea of mashed potatoes .
Mrs. Friggity began to cry but her husband reminded her that they had Earthquake Insurance and that their potato loss would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mutual Orgasm of Omaha .
Lorelei leaped four feet into the air and then she very , very carefully jumped into Dalton ’ s lap .

BOISE, Idaho – A 6.5 magnitude earthquake struck just northeast of Boise and it was felt as far off as Missoula, Montana a distance of 365.4 miles.
A potato farmer Dalton Friggity said that he and his wife (Lorelei) were watching reruns of The Housewives of Intercourse, Pennsylvania, when the Witch as Idahoans refer to earthquakes hit.
He said that his wife instantly jumped on his lap and started crying.
He then began to cry because his wife had kicked him in his crotcharino area with her size 9 cowgirl boot.
After she got him an ice cube pack and a bottle of Jack Daniels to deaden the unbelievable pain, the two went outside to check out their property.
The Friggity's own a 6,000 acre potato farm and Dalton could not believe his eyes. As he looked out into the distance, he and his wife could see that their potato fields had now turned into one big, gigantic sea of mashed potatoes.
Mrs. Friggity began to cry but her husband reminded her that they had Earthquake Insurance and that their potato loss would be fully covered by their insurance company Mutual Orgasm of Omaha.
Lorelei leaped four feet into the air and then she very, very carefully jumped into Dalton’s lap.


thespoof--2020-04-02--An Elderly Couple In Colorado Ignores The Shelter-in-Place Directive and Sneaks Out Dressed as Dougl

An Elderly Couple In Colorado Ignores The Shelter-in-Place Directive and Sneaks Out Dressed as Douglas Firs

STEAMBOAT SPRINGS , Colorado - Many of the states have imposed a self-isolation policy as well as a shelter-in-place policy .
And for the most part the vast majority of the people are adhering to these national and state directives except for a stubborn , hard-headed tribe of Arapahoes that live on a reservation outside of Durango .
But like with anything , there are always going to be some who choose to disobey the rules .
One such couple is Jubal and Maxine Ditka .
The Ditka ’ s have been married for 62 years .
They have always @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , swimmers , grillers , and nudists .
Jubal who is 91 , admitted that he and 83-year-old Maxine have charter memberships in 16 different nudist colonies throughout the United States , Canada , and Ecuador .
When asked which is their favorite one Maxine remarked , “ Oh hands down , that would have to be The Hot Diggity Dog Nude Ranch of Wyoming where their motto is “ Don ’ t Point – It ’ s Just Not Friggin ' Polite.
” IN CLOSING - The director of the senior citizens @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is just happy as a lark that the couple didn ’ t run into a lumberjack .

STEAMBOAT SPRINGS, Colorado - Many of the states have imposed a self-isolation policy as well as a shelter-in-place policy.
And for the most part the vast majority of the people are adhering to these national and state directives except for a stubborn, hard-headed tribe of Arapahoes that live on a reservation outside of Durango.
But like with anything, there are always going to be some who choose to disobey the rules. One such couple is Jubal and Maxine Ditka.
The Ditka’s have been married for 62 years. They have always enjoyed the outdoors and are avid hikers, swimmers, grillers, and nudists.
Jubal who is 91, admitted that he and 83-year-old Maxine have charter memberships in 16 different nudist colonies throughout the United States, Canada, and Ecuador.
When asked which is their favorite one Maxine remarked, “Oh hands down, that would have to be The Hot Diggity Dog Nude Ranch of Wyoming where their motto is “Don’t Point – It’s Just Not Friggin' Polite.”
IN CLOSING - The director of the senior citizens home where the Ditka’s reside is just happy as a lark that the couple didn’t run into a lumberjack.


thespoof--2020-04-03--Peeping Tom Thrives as Millions Are Ordered to Shelter in Place

As millions throughout the country are ordered to hunker down at home due to the COVID-19 pandemic , one group is benefiting greatly from the widespread shelter-in-place advisories : peeping Toms .
`` Not to sound creepy , but they 're sitting ducks , '' said longtime peeper Ken W. of Queens , New York .
`` It ’ s like nonstop primetime T.V . ''
Ken , who emphasized that his voyeuristic pastime is solely visual and not harmful to anyone , explained that people used to be out and about so much , that often when he peeked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ much to see .
Now , though , he reports that cabin fever has produced some fabulous family drama .
`` And not to be graphic , but lots of sex , '' he said , chuckling .
“ I mean , why not ?
Good for them – and really good for me.
” Ken made a point of noting that , as a socially-conscious individual , he continues to respect social distance – as he has always done .
“ The coronavirus can ’ t be transmitted through windows , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of that.
” He added that he hopes that others , too , will take this period of self-isolation as a chance to refocus on pastimes they enjoy .
“ It ’ s a weird time , but having a hobby goes a long way . ''
Ken made clear , of course , that he would never have wished a mass pandemic on anyone .
Nevertheless , he admitted that he is not above utilizing the `` safer at home '' situation to his own advantage .
`` We have to take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' he said .
“ Like everyone else , I ’ m just doing the best I can to get through this , one day at at time . ''

As millions throughout the country are ordered to hunker down at home due to the COVID-19 pandemic, one group is benefiting greatly from the widespread shelter-in-place advisories: peeping Toms.
"Not to sound creepy, but they're sitting ducks," said longtime peeper Ken W. of Queens, New York. "It’s like nonstop primetime T.V."
Ken, who emphasized that his voyeuristic pastime is solely visual and not harmful to anyone, explained that people used to be out and about so much, that often when he peeked through windows, there wasn’t much to see. Now, though, he reports that cabin fever has produced some fabulous family drama. "And not to be graphic, but lots of sex," he said, chuckling. “I mean, why not? Good for them – and really good for me.”
Ken made a point of noting that, as a socially-conscious individual, he continues to respect social distance – as he has always done. “The coronavirus can’t be transmitted through windows,” he said. “I made sure of that.”
He added that he hopes that others, too, will take this period of self-isolation as a chance to refocus on pastimes they enjoy. “It’s a weird time, but having a hobby goes a long way."
Ken made clear, of course, that he would never have wished a mass pandemic on anyone. Nevertheless, he admitted that he is not above utilizing the "safer at home" situation to his own advantage. "We have to take our opportunities where we find them," he said. “Like everyone else, I’m just doing the best I can to get through this, one day at at time."