thespoof--2020-08-18--“The Likes Of Which Our Country Has Never Seen.”

On Wednesday morning , there was a warning from Donald Trump : `` The likes of which our country has never seen . ''
Trump stood , hands up facing the audience , ( like a stick-up ) elbows to his ribs , red tie , red face .
Was he warning about an Al Qaeda invasion ?
The Taliban was approaching Boston harbor ?
The results of Russian meddling in the 2016 election , that helped elect a four-time draft dodger , accused of tax fraud , and also a long time pal of Jeffrey Epstein , into the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to defend the justification of caging children and ripping babies out of their mother ’ s arms ?
No .
None of the above !
The warning , `` The likes of which our country has never seen , '' was about the US Mail .
What ?
Some screwball has taken over a US post office at gunpoint ?
Working for the US Postal Service used to be a sweet lifetime job , secure , with healthcare benefits and great retirement .
What happened ?
The short of it is : Putin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump into the White House , the Republican Senate kept him there , but Trump is going to be voted out of office by voters using Mail-in voting in November .
Threatened with eviction from the White House , Donald Trump is screwing with the US Postal Service .
Seems Trump will be dumped , and he knows it and warns the result will be , `` The likes of which this country has never seen . ''
In other words : Taps for the Donald Trump presidency .
Whew !
At first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

On Wednesday morning, there was a warning from Donald Trump: "The likes of which our country has never seen."
Trump stood, hands up facing the audience, (like a stick-up) elbows to his ribs, red tie, red face. Was he warning about an Al Qaeda invasion? The Taliban was approaching Boston harbor? The results of Russian meddling in the 2016 election, that helped elect a four-time draft dodger, accused of tax fraud, and also a long time pal of Jeffrey Epstein, into the White House?
Maybe Trump was about to defend the justification of caging children and ripping babies out of their mother’s arms?
No. None of the above! The warning, "The likes of which our country has never seen," was about the US Mail.
What? Some screwball has taken over a US post office at gunpoint?
Working for the US Postal Service used to be a sweet lifetime job, secure, with healthcare benefits and great retirement. What happened?
The short of it is: Putin meddled with the 2016 election, got Trump into the White House, the Republican Senate kept him there, but Trump is going to be voted out of office by voters using Mail-in voting in November. Threatened with eviction from the White House, Donald Trump is screwing with the US Postal Service.
Seems Trump will be dumped, and he knows it and warns the result will be, "The likes of which this country has never seen."
In other words: Taps for the Donald Trump presidency.
Whew! At first, it sounded serious.
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thespoof--2020-08-18--US Pulls Out of Milky Way

US Pulls Out of Milky Way

WASHINGTON - The Trump administration has formally notified the United Nations that the U.S. is withdrawing from the Milky Way Galaxy .
The withdrawal will be complete this time next year , after a one-year waiting period has elapsed .
`` We will continue to work with our global partners to address any space and galactic issue that arise , '' Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said in a statement Monday .
Nearly 200 countries signed on to the galaxy in 2015 .
Each country set its own goals , and many wealthy countries , including the U.S. , also @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the costs associated with galactic change .
The U.S. is now the only country to pull out of the galaxy .
`` The United States is not cooperating with the rest of the world on dealing with galactic issues , '' says Andrew Light , a former climate official in the State Department .
The agreement was designed to be easier to join than to leave .
The U.S. even helped spearhead language that would hold countries accountable for the promises they made , in part to help guard against regime changes and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the years since the galaxy was created , many key international players , including Brazil , China , Japan and India , have experienced economic or political upheaval , but none has withdrawn from the Milky Way as a result .
President Trump originally announced his intention to withdraw from the galaxy in the summer of 2017 , shortly after he took office .
“ The Milky Way is very overrated .
Very overrated , ” he tweeted .
“ Other members of the galaxy are not pulling their weight .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

WASHINGTON - The Trump administration has formally notified the United Nations that the U.S. is withdrawing from the Milky Way Galaxy. The withdrawal will be complete this time next year, after a one-year waiting period has elapsed.
"We will continue to work with our global partners to address any space and galactic issue that arise," Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said in a statement Monday.
Nearly 200 countries signed on to the galaxy in 2015. Each country set its own goals, and many wealthy countries, including the U.S., also agreed to help poorer countries pay for the costs associated with galactic change.
The U.S. is now the only country to pull out of the galaxy.
"The United States is not cooperating with the rest of the world on dealing with galactic issues," says Andrew Light, a former climate official in the State Department.
The agreement was designed to be easier to join than to leave. The U.S. even helped spearhead language that would hold countries accountable for the promises they made, in part to help guard against regime changes and other global political turmoil.
Indeed, in the years since the galaxy was created, many key international players, including Brazil, China, Japan and India, have experienced economic or political upheaval, but none has withdrawn from the Milky Way as a result.
President Trump originally announced his intention to withdraw from the galaxy in the summer of 2017, shortly after he took office. “The Milky Way is very overrated. Very overrated,” he tweeted. “Other members of the galaxy are not pulling their weight. We are tired of picking up their slack.”


thespoof--2020-08-19--Mom Tells Son That Eating Fruit And Vegetables Will Make Him Grow Up Big And Strong

Looking after your children properly and administering good advice is what being a parent is all about , and that 's what one caring mom was thinking yesterday when she advised her four-year-old son that eating fruit and vegetables would make him big and strong , like his dad .
Mandy Arbuckle , 26 , and her husband , Dave , have been having trouble with their son , Klondike , 4 , and his eating habits .
The wayward youngster likes to eat pizza , hamburgers , hot dogs , chocolate and ice cream , but dismisses without discussion @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ground .
`` He 's very picky .
We 've told him time and time again , that he has to watch what he eats , what with being a bit of a porker , and having two fat bastards for parents , but he flatly refuses . ''
Mandy and Dave are both obese , and Klondike , whose friends at kindergarten already call `` Fatty '' , is going down the same bulbous road .
Fatty wo n't be 5 until next June , but already tips the scales at 110 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get him interested in apples , oranges , bananas , and pears , but he just turns his nose up .
We also serve him carrots , broccoli , cauliflower , and mushrooms , but he wo n't touch them . ''
`` Mandy told him that , if he ate his fruit and vegetables , he 'd grow up to be a big , strong guy like me , but he just said that he was n't bothered about being strong . ''

Looking after your children properly and administering good advice is what being a parent is all about, and that's what one caring mom was thinking yesterday when she advised her four-year-old son that eating fruit and vegetables would make him big and strong, like his dad.
Mandy Arbuckle, 26, and her husband, Dave, have been having trouble with their son, Klondike, 4, and his eating habits.
The wayward youngster likes to eat pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs, chocolate and ice cream, but dismisses without discussion anything that might grow out of the ground.
Mandy said:
"He's very picky. We've told him time and time again, that he has to watch what he eats, what with being a bit of a porker, and having two fat bastards for parents, but he flatly refuses."
Mandy and Dave are both obese, and Klondike, whose friends at kindergarten already call "Fatty", is going down the same bulbous road.
Fatty won't be 5 until next June, but already tips the scales at 110 pounds.
His mom said:
"We've tried to get him interested in apples, oranges, bananas, and pears, but he just turns his nose up. We also serve him carrots, broccoli, cauliflower, and mushrooms, but he won't touch them."
Dave said:
"Mandy told him that, if he ate his fruit and vegetables, he'd grow up to be a big, strong guy like me, but he just said that he wasn't bothered about being strong."


thespoof--2020-08-19--New Trump Executive Order to Regulate "Nasty, Horrible Female Democrats and Journalists"

Washington - President Donald Trump , who has suffered greatly at the hands of essentially any female who is a member of the Democratic Party or works for a mainstream media company , has signed into law an executive order declaring their activities illegal , and specifying federal penalties including jail time for any woman convicted .
Trump , who routinely tweets conspiracy theories , including the accusation that Hillary Clinton murdered dozens of political opponents , invents derogatory nicknames for anyone he dislikes , and designates those in his own party who dislike him `` human scum '' , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ nasty women like Kamala Harris , Nancy Pelosi , `` Pocahantas '' , Hillary Clinton , Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Tammy Duckworth '' into line with `` standards of decent behavior '' .
`` What these women are doing , destroying the lives of good decent men like Bill O'Reilly , Brett Kavanaugh , Paul Manafort and , of course , myself , it has to stop , '' Trump tweeted the next morning .
`` Just look what happened to my good friend Lindsey Graham , they made him lose his mind , @ @ @ @ @

Washington - President Donald Trump, who has suffered greatly at the hands of essentially any female who is a member of the Democratic Party or works for a mainstream media company, has signed into law an executive order declaring their activities illegal, and specifying federal penalties including jail time for any woman convicted.
Trump, who routinely tweets conspiracy theories, including the accusation that Hillary Clinton murdered dozens of political opponents, invents derogatory nicknames for anyone he dislikes, and designates those in his own party who dislike him "human scum", said he needed to unilaterally bring "nasty women like Kamala Harris, Nancy Pelosi, "Pocahantas", Hillary Clinton, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez and Tammy Duckworth" into line with "standards of decent behavior".
"What these women are doing, destroying the lives of good decent men like Bill O'Reilly, Brett Kavanaugh, Paul Manafort and, of course, myself, it has to stop," Trump tweeted the next morning. "Just look what happened to my good friend Lindsey Graham, they made him lose his mind," said the President.


thespoof--2020-08-19--Book author 'tops himself' after only flogging one book to his grandma!

( UNEDITED ) Proclaiming himself to be a bestselling author because he hit the top million on the Amazon charts with his pathetic effort , unknown author JoJo Jobson has now divulged the truth in his last will and testament , leaving $ 0,08 cents in royalties to his missus .
JoJo topped himself , deciding it was better to accept the bitter truth instead of proclaiming his 'bestseller ' status by purchasing a 1000 copies of his book to prove to the world what a brilliant author he is .
However , nothing was further from the truth !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ copy of his 'masterpiece ' to his grandma who suffers from dementia !
The other copies are gathering dust in the basement alongside the dangling noose where he hung himself .
However , every dark cloud has a silver lining ; after his death , his bereaved missus issued a death announcement on the death announcement page of his 'local blag ' , and people feeling sorry for him , just like van Gogh , actually started purchasing his book !
The book , a load of old nonsense , took 6 years @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He left school when he was 14 because his divorced mum needed the dosh .
So JoJo , humped coal bags to help pay the heating bills .
His bereaved missus told local blag reporters that her ex-hubby was a 'toss ' at writing , but at least he tried while she was out flogging her balls off working in a local junk food joint ; burgers and fries please !
JoJo 's legacy is $ 0,08 cents , but his missus is hoping that his book will go viral to help pay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ uns !
She has now fell in love with a penniless artist whose paintings are rotting away hanging in the same basement where JoJo topped himself .
Moral of this sad story : It seems true that 'life is a bitch ' for unknown artists and JoJo Jobson 's story is mega proof of that !
Maybe they 'll film it ...

(UNEDITED) Proclaiming himself to be a bestselling author because he hit the top million on the Amazon charts with his pathetic effort, unknown author JoJo Jobson has now divulged the truth in his last will and testament, leaving $ 0,08 cents in royalties to his missus.
JoJo topped himself, deciding it was better to accept the bitter truth instead of proclaiming his 'bestseller' status by purchasing a 1000 copies of his book to prove to the world what a brilliant author he is. However, nothing was further from the truth! He only flogged one, yes one copy of his 'masterpiece' to his grandma who suffers from dementia! The other copies are gathering dust in the basement alongside the dangling noose where he hung himself.
However, every dark cloud has a silver lining; after his death, his bereaved missus issued a death announcement on the death announcement page of his 'local blag', and people feeling sorry for him, just like van Gogh, actually started purchasing his book!
The book, a load of old nonsense, took 6 years to write because JoJo was illiterate. He left school when he was 14 because his divorced mum needed the dosh. So JoJo, humped coal bags to help pay the heating bills. His bereaved missus told local blag reporters that her ex-hubby was a 'toss' at writing, but at least he tried while she was out flogging her balls off working in a local junk food joint; burgers and fries please!
JoJo's legacy is $ 0,08 cents, but his missus is hoping that his book will go viral to help pay his funeral bill, $ 6000,00 big uns! She has now fell in love with a penniless artist whose paintings are rotting away hanging in the same basement where JoJo topped himself.
Moral of this sad story: It seems true that 'life is a bitch' for unknown artists and JoJo Jobson's story is mega proof of that! Maybe they'll film it...


thespoof--2020-08-19--The Republican National Convention Will Feature Kid Rock, Diamond and Silk, and the Trumpapalooza As

The Republican National Convention Will Feature Kid Rock, Diamond and Silk, and the Trumpapalooza Ass Kickin’Band

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Political Satire ) - The RNC has just released the names of some of the @ @ @ @ @ be at the Republican National Convention .
Spokeswoman Birdie Custardtree , 58 , said that @ @ @ @ @ Kid Rock , who says that he loves Trump so much , that he is @ @ @ @ @ may be a wee bit on the gayish side .
Kid Rock ’ s current @ @ @ @ @ was Miss Osaka 2016 , said that Kiddy is about as gay as Sarah Huckabee @ @ @ @ @ reporting that , as of now , Trump ’ s black ass-kissing Aunt Tomasinas , @ @ @ @ @ be the moderators .
Kid Rock will perform the National Anthem and Eric Trump 's @ @ @ @ @ Ai n't A Bitch Anywhere Who Can Make Marijuana Meatloaf Like My Woman.
” The @ @ @ @ @ conclude with the Kentucky group , The Trumpapalooza Ass Kickin ’ Band , who will @ @ @ @ @ Abraham Lincoln ’ s favorite Civil War songs .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Political Satire) - The RNC has just released the names of some of the people and performers who will be at the Republican National Convention.
Spokeswoman Birdie Custardtree, 58, said that the featured performer will be Kid Rock, who says that he loves Trump so much, that he is beginning to wonder if he may be a wee bit on the gayish side.
Kid Rock’s current girlfriend, Kiosha, who was Miss Osaka 2016, said that Kiddy is about as gay as Sarah Huckabee is skinny.
CNN is reporting that, as of now, Trump’s black ass-kissing Aunt Tomasinas, Diamond and Silk, will be the moderators.
Kid Rock will perform the National Anthem and Eric Trump's favorite song, “There Ain't A Bitch Anywhere Who Can Make Marijuana Meatloaf Like My Woman.”
The convention's first night will conclude with the Kentucky group, The Trumpapalooza Ass Kickin’ Band, who will be singing a medley of Abraham Lincoln’s favorite Civil War songs.


thespoof--2020-08-22--Martha Stewart Crosses Wires With Trump-Putin Conversation

After Trump got into the White House , Jared Kushner , ( 4 to 8 years ) tried to set up a direct line from Donald Trump , ( 20 to 99 years ) connecting with Putin by way of the DC Russian Embassy .
Not being a telephone lineman or first in his class at Wharton or Harvard , the son-in-law had some problems .
The telephone connection was often overlooked in the past , but with the upcoming election , the wires had been burning day and night , turning bright red and hot .
Something had to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the recipe for making a ten-egg white soufflé in her magnificent , perfectly-appointed kitchen .
She already separated ten eggs , beat the egg whites to fluffy peaks , and was about to add the freshly grated Farmgirl Goat Cheese .
Through the overhead loudspeaker came : “ That f -- ker is going to win the f -- king election , kick me out of the f -- king White House , and I ’ m going to land in f -- king jail.
” Martha was startled !
Dynamite Rachel Ray @ @ @ @ @ @ @ would have taken notes .
A heavily-accented Russian voice came over the loudspeaker .
“ Cancel election .
Name yourself lifetime president for good of country .
Peasants like .
Invite Joe Biden for dinner.
” Martha suspiciously started looking around the kitchen , under counters and tables .
“ Cancel what ?
This souffle is for lunch , not dinner .
Why is there a voice coming through the overhead loudspeaker ? ''
`` For the f -- king good of the country !
Yeah !
That ’ s a goodly , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of my special chili tacos.
” “ Who said that ?
My borscht isn ’ t poison .
I ’ m making a ten-egg white Farmgirl Goat Cheese soufflé.
” Despite the coup and planned murder of the leader of the opposite party , it was Martha ’ s threats that finally blew the fuses and wires apart with a champagne cork double pop .
After repairs , with a rolling pin in hand , Martha demanded to know whose voice was coming through the overhead kitchen loudspeaker .
Making scrambled eggs instead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have sworn that other guy was Donald Trump.
” Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

After Trump got into the White House, Jared Kushner, (4 to 8 years) tried to set up a direct line from Donald Trump, (20 to 99 years) connecting with Putin by way of the DC Russian Embassy. Not being a telephone lineman or first in his class at Wharton or Harvard, the son-in-law had some problems.
The telephone connection was often overlooked in the past, but with the upcoming election, the wires had been burning day and night, turning bright red and hot.
Something had to give.
So Martha Stewart was filming the recipe for making a ten-egg white soufflé in her magnificent, perfectly-appointed kitchen. She already separated ten eggs, beat the egg whites to fluffy peaks, and was about to add the freshly grated Farmgirl Goat Cheese.
Through the overhead loudspeaker came: “That f--ker is going to win the f--king election, kick me out of the f--king White House, and I’m going to land in f--king jail.”
Martha was startled! Dynamite Rachel Ray would have kept working. Bobby Flay would have taken notes.
A heavily-accented Russian voice came over the loudspeaker. “Cancel election. Name yourself lifetime president for good of country. Peasants like. Invite Joe Biden for dinner.”
Martha suspiciously started looking around the kitchen, under counters and tables. “Cancel what? This souffle is for lunch, not dinner. Why is there a voice coming through the overhead loudspeaker?"
"For the f--king good of the country! Yeah! That’s a goodly, goodly one. And serve Biden one of my special chili tacos.”
“Nyet! Serve borscht. Good poison.”
“Who said that? My borscht isn’t poison. I’m making a ten-egg white Farmgirl Goat Cheese soufflé.”
Despite the coup and planned murder of the leader of the opposite party, it was Martha’s threats that finally blew the fuses and wires apart with a champagne cork double pop.
After repairs, with a rolling pin in hand, Martha demanded to know whose voice was coming through the overhead kitchen loudspeaker.
The loudspeaker didn't speak, but a heavily-accented Russian voice announced, “Sorry, wrong number.”
Making scrambled eggs instead, Martha said, “I could have sworn that other guy was Donald Trump.”
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-08-21--Maine governor mandates dog cone wearing for restaurant staff instead of mask

Governor Janet Mills of Maine has now directed all restaurant personnel to wear dog cones upside down as further protection against the virus .
According to the Governor 's scientific advisors , breath directed upward moves particles skyward pronto instead of down onto the dinner plates of those being served .
Those being served , however , should wear cones attached at the forehead instead of the throat , to direct particles further downward toward below-the-table regions .
Extra applications of cleanser following departure of customers will abate the problem of particles lingering just below table level .
These new @ @ @ @ @ @ @ venting of particles from ordinary masks , and from particles below the chin with the previous plastic shield models .
Mr. Biden , who is a mask enthusiast , has said these innovations are in the spirit of `` what makes America foremost in world technology and leadership in health and sanity . ''
He had previously stated that as president he would make masks compulsory and this would show `` patriotism . ''
Meanwhile , medical experts across the globe have come forward to say the virus is exaggerated and its danger @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cases .
Government scientists , however , insist none of this can be relied upon because The Fear And Danger Narrative is so well-established .
Changing it would be denied by The Public .
Further , it might embarrass the experts into explaining they have made monumental errors in calculating the danger .
Nor will questioning the Official Narrative help The Public 's acceptance of upcoming vaccines and free enterprise for the Big Pharma Industries .
Mr. Biden is reported in consultation with Maine 's Ms. Mills on possible further developments toward even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the possibility of the double cone advisory , in which all restaurant personnel will be required not only the cone upside down and based at the throat .
A top of the head cone will also be worn right side up from the top of the head down , leaving a narrow aperture for the eyes , nose , and mouth .
Mr. Fauci , recently replaced as top health advisor to Mr. Trump , has come forward to praise these new developments .
`` I would only add that the cone idea @ @ @ @ @ @ @ also have the American flag printed on it , to show loyalty and best practices , '' he said .

Governor Janet Mills of Maine has now directed all restaurant personnel to wear dog cones upside down as further protection against the virus.
According to the Governor's scientific advisors, breath directed upward moves particles skyward pronto instead of down onto the dinner plates of those being served.
Those being served, however, should wear cones attached at the forehead instead of the throat, to direct particles further downward toward below-the-table regions.
Extra applications of cleanser following departure of customers will abate the problem of particles lingering just below table level.
These new strategies dispense of the problem of sideways venting of particles from ordinary masks, and from particles below the chin with the previous plastic shield models.
Mr. Biden, who is a mask enthusiast, has said these innovations are in the spirit of "what makes America foremost in world technology and leadership in health and sanity."
He had previously stated that as president he would make masks compulsory and this would show "patriotism."
Meanwhile, medical experts across the globe have come forward to say the virus is exaggerated and its danger cannot be calculated by number of cases.
Government scientists, however, insist none of this can be relied upon because The Fear And Danger Narrative is so well-established.
Changing it would be denied by The Public.
Further, it might embarrass the experts into explaining they have made monumental errors in calculating the danger.
Nor will questioning the Official Narrative help The Public's acceptance of upcoming vaccines and free enterprise for the Big Pharma Industries.
Mr. Biden is reported in consultation with Maine's Ms. Mills on possible further developments toward even higher safety.
Ms. Mills is mulling the possibility of the double cone advisory, in which all restaurant personnel will be required not only the cone upside down and based at the throat.
A top of the head cone will also be worn right side up from the top of the head down, leaving a narrow aperture for the eyes, nose, and mouth.
Mr. Fauci, recently replaced as top health advisor to Mr. Trump, has come forward to praise these new developments.
"I would only add that the cone idea, especially the double-cone idea, could also have the American flag printed on it, to show loyalty and best practices," he said.


Trump to Resign

The White House , Washington , D. C. Woof Blister here with a SINful report for SpoofInternational News .
Sources @ @ @ @ @ the Oval Office have revealed to The Spoof that should Donald J. Trump lose the @ @ @ @ @ should all his efforts to overturn the result be foiled by the far-left , socialistic @ @ @ @ @ resign the presidency before the end of his term .
With Vice President Mike Pence @ @ @ @ @ if only for less than two months , Pence will issue a Ford-like pardon which @ @ @ @ @ committed , before or during his term as president .
Such a pardon , given @ @ @ @ @ is , to say the least , unprecedented .
If it happens , Trump also @ @ @ @

The White House, Washington, D. C. Woof Blister here with a SINful report for SpoofInternational News. Sources within the inner circle of the Oval Office have revealed to The Spoof that should Donald J. Trump lose the election in November, and should all his efforts to overturn the result be foiled by the far-left, socialistic Supreme Court, he will resign the presidency before the end of his term.
With Vice President Mike Pence elevated to the presidency, if only for less than two months, Pence will issue a Ford-like pardon which clears Trump of all crimes committed, before or during his term as president.
Such a pardon, given to a defeated president, is, to say the least, unprecedented. If it happens, Trump also will be UNPRESIDENTED!


thespoof--2020-08-21--Attorney General Barr says he would be "vehemently opposed" to pardoning Donald Trump

Attorney General Bill Barr says he is `` vehemently opposed '' to the president pardoning Donald Trump .
Barr , in an interview with the Associated Press , said , `` He was a traitor and the information he provided our adversaries greatly hurt the safety of the American people .
He was peddling it around like a commercial merchant .
We ca n't tolerate that . ''
`` There are many , many people — it seems to be a split decision that many people think that I should be somehow treated differently , and other people think I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump said .
`` And I 'm going to take a very good look at it . ''
Trump is currently living in exile in Washington D.C .
In an interview with CBS News last September , Trump said he would like to return home , but the U.S. wo n't agree to a fair trial .
`` I would like to return to the United States .
That is the ultimate goal .
But if I 'm gon na spend the rest of my life in prison , the one bottom-line demand @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that at least I get a fair trial .
And that is the one thing the government has refused to guarantee because they wo n't provide access to what 's called a public interest defense , '' Trump told `` CBS This Morning . ''

Attorney General Bill Barr says he is "vehemently opposed" to the president pardoning Donald Trump.
Barr, in an interview with the Associated Press, said, "He was a traitor and the information he provided our adversaries greatly hurt the safety of the American people. He was peddling it around like a commercial merchant. We can't tolerate that."
"There are many, many people — it seems to be a split decision that many people think that I should be somehow treated differently, and other people think I did very bad things," Mr. Trump said. "And I'm going to take a very good look at it."
Trump is currently living in exile in Washington D.C. In an interview with CBS News last September, Trump said he would like to return home, but the U.S. won't agree to a fair trial.
"I would like to return to the United States. That is the ultimate goal. But if I'm gonna spend the rest of my life in prison, the one bottom-line demand that we have to agree to is that at least I get a fair trial. And that is the one thing the government has refused to guarantee because they won't provide access to what's called a public interest defense," Trump told "CBS This Morning."


thespoof--2020-08-21--President Trump Finally Admits The Reason He’s Doesn’t Want to Show His Tax Returns is Because it Wi

President Trump Finally Admits The Reason He’s Doesn’t Want to Show His Tax Returns is Because it Will Prove He Colluded with Russia

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - Trump ’ s lawyer , Segundo Juarez , told Sean Hannity of Fox News that the President did , in fact , collude with Russia just prior to the 2016 election .
Juarez added that the reason the President does not want to reveal his taxes is because it will show three illegal deposits totaling $ 4.3 million from President Vladimir Putin that were deposited in three of Trump ’ s personal ( fake ) accounts in the Deutsche Bank .
Trump 's attorney noted that it would not take a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ two together and figure out that the `` Golfer-in-Chief '' colluded with the Kremlin .
The President told Hannity that Putin deposited $ 1.7 million in his fake John Barron account , $ 1.4 million in his fake David Dennison account , and $ 1.1 million in his fake Carmelita De Las Chichi ’ s account .
Juarez contends that President Trump had no idea that Putin had deposited money into his three fake accounts .
He said that he just learned about it a week ago , when he heard MSNBC ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on her award-winning show .
Legal experts say it is really no big deal , because all Trump has to do is simply pardon himself .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - Trump’s lawyer, Segundo Juarez, told Sean Hannity of Fox News that the President did, in fact, collude with Russia just prior to the 2016 election.
Juarez added that the reason the President does not want to reveal his taxes is because it will show three illegal deposits totaling $4.3 million from President Vladimir Putin that were deposited in three of Trump’s personal (fake) accounts in the Deutsche Bank.
Trump's attorney noted that it would not take a brain transplant surgeon to put two and two together and figure out that the "Golfer-in-Chief" colluded with the Kremlin.
The President told Hannity that Putin deposited $1.7 million in his fake John Barron account, $1.4 million in his fake David Dennison account, and $1.1 million in his fake Carmelita De Las Chichi’s account.
Juarez contends that President Trump had no idea that Putin had deposited money into his three fake accounts.
He said that he just learned about it a week ago, when he heard MSNBC’s investigative sleuth Rachel Maddow mention it on her award-winning show.
Legal experts say it is really no big deal, because all Trump has to do is simply pardon himself.


thespoof--2020-08-21--Steve Bannon, Former Chief Adviser to President Trump, Arrested for Allegedly Embezzling $25 Million

Steve Bannon, Former Chief Adviser to President Trump, Arrested for Allegedly Embezzling $25 Million From Trump University

NEW YORK CITY – ( Satire News ) - The man who once had more influence on President Trump , @ @ @ @ @ for Ivanka , has been taken into custody .
Steve “ The Face ” Bannon @ @ @ @ @ counts of lying about lots of things including the border wall , Lake Michigan , @ @ @ @ @ , and saying that Ivanka ’ s tits are fake .
Bannon says that he @ @ @ @ @ s IQ ( 69 ) to anyone except for Stormy Daniels .
The FBI has @ @ @ @ @ watching the man who once said he would jump in front of a blimp for @ @ @ @ @ 71 days .
An FBI spokesperson said they have Bannon on videotape taking checks that @ @ @ @ @ , and depositing them in a fake account under the name Dimples LaRue .
Dimples @ @ @ @ @ that Bannon used when he personally delivered the hush money checks to Stormy Daniels and @ @ @

NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) - The man who once had more influence on President Trump, except, of course, for Ivanka, has been taken into custody.
Steve “The Face” Bannon has been charged with 17 counts of lying about lots of things including the border wall, Lake Michigan, Eric Trump’s IQ, and saying that Ivanka’s tits are fake.
Bannon says that he has never mentioned Eric’s IQ (69) to anyone except for Stormy Daniels.
The FBI has stated that they have been watching the man who once said he would jump in front of a blimp for DJT, for the past 71 days.
An FBI spokesperson said they have Bannon on videotape taking checks that were meant for Trump University, and depositing them in a fake account under the name Dimples LaRue.
Dimples LaRue is the fake name that Bannon used when he personally delivered the hush money checks to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal.


thespoof--2020-08-22--Trump Says God Told Him To Build Wall

Trump Says God Told Him To Build Wall

US president Donald Trump has claimed that the idea to build the southern border wall to physically separate the US from Mexico was not entirely his own , having had , he says , advice directly from God .
The wall , which stretches for nearly 2,000 miles along the borders of California , Arizona , New Mexico and Texas , is , according to Trump , `` America 's saviour '' , in that it prevents all manner of undesirable elements from entering the country .
The motivation to build the enormous barrier did not spring from the President @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as a divine instruction from the Supreme Creator of the Universe , in a beautiful dream .
In the dream , Trump was wandering in the wastelands of New Mexico , pondering whether or not to have one more Big Mac , and looking all about himself , when he suddenly thought of how dusty everything seemed , and how empty it was .
Then he heard a loud , booming voice , which , because of its loudness , he assumed , was God .
`` The idea to build the wall @ @ @ @ @ @ @ my dream , he spoke to me , and told me : `` Build it , and they wo n't come ! ''
So I did , and they do n't . ''
Neither God nor Kevin Costner were unavailable for comment .

US president Donald Trump has claimed that the idea to build the southern border wall to physically separate the US from Mexico was not entirely his own, having had, he says, advice directly from God.
The wall, which stretches for nearly 2,000 miles along the borders of California, Arizona, New Mexico and Texas, is, according to Trump, "America's saviour", in that it prevents all manner of undesirable elements from entering the country.
The motivation to build the enormous barrier did not spring from the President's brain, however, instead coming as a divine instruction from the Supreme Creator of the Universe, in a beautiful dream.
In the dream, Trump was wandering in the wastelands of New Mexico, pondering whether or not to have one more Big Mac, and looking all about himself, when he suddenly thought of how dusty everything seemed, and how empty it was. Then he heard a loud, booming voice, which, because of its loudness, he assumed, was God.
Trump tweeted that:
"The idea to build the wall came from God not me. In my dream, he spoke to me, and told me: "Build it, and they won't come!" So I did, and they don't."
Neither God nor Kevin Costner were unavailable for comment.


thespoof--2020-08-22--President Trump Loves QAnon But Many Proud Republicans Including Mitch McConnell and Chris Christie

President Trump Loves QAnon But Many Proud Republicans Including Mitch McConnell and Chris Christie Hate It

COTTON BALLS , Georgia – ( Satire News ) - The extreme far-right organization known as QAnon has stated that they would support the President even if he shot up a petting zoo .
One outspoken member who goes by the name “ Wino Wayne , ” said that their goal is to get everyone so frustratingly mad at each other , that they forget to vote , thus insuring that Trump will get re-elected .
QAnon is so extreme , that even several high-ranking Ku Klux Klan members have described it as one hell of an extremely mean , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , as Trump calls it , hates just about everyone : the poor , the middle class , the elderly , the evangelicals , pedicurists , and even Tucker Carlson , who some say allegedly molested an ostrich , back in high school .
Many popular Republicans , including Mitch McConnell , Chris Christie , and Sarah “ Caribou Face ” Palin have said that QAnon will cause Trump to lose the election .
They say that QAnon members use the `` P '' , the `` F '' , and the `` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Trump has said that he will be donating $ 420 out of his own pocket to the wonderfully perfect QAnoners .

COTTON BALLS, Georgia – (Satire News) - The extreme far-right organization known as QAnon has stated that they would support the President even if he shot up a petting zoo.
One outspoken member who goes by the name “Wino Wayne,” said that their goal is to get everyone so frustratingly mad at each other, that they forget to vote, thus insuring that Trump will get re-elected.
QAnon is so extreme, that even several high-ranking Ku Klux Klan members have described it as one hell of an extremely mean, vicious, hate-spewing group.
The Q, as Trump calls it, hates just about everyone: the poor, the middle class, the elderly, the evangelicals, pedicurists, and even Tucker Carlson, who some say allegedly molested an ostrich, back in high school.
Many popular Republicans, including Mitch McConnell, Chris Christie, and Sarah “Caribou Face” Palin have said that QAnon will cause Trump to lose the election.
They say that QAnon members use the "P", the "F", and the "K", words way too much.
Trump has said that he will be donating $420 out of his own pocket to the wonderfully perfect QAnoners.


thespoof--2020-08-22--The First Day of the RNC Convention Will Feature Scott Baio, Melania Trump, and Monica Lewinsky

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - RNC moderators Diamond and Silk have just announced the main speakers for the opening night of President Donald Trump ’ s presidential convention .
Diamond said that 70s TV star Scott Baio will speak about how the President is the most religious man he has ever known .
USA Today reports that Trump said that , every Sunday , he , Melania , Barron , and Ivanka attend the Unipisaterian Church .
The First Lady will speak about how supportive her husband has been regarding her “ Be Best ” anti-bullying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ husband is the most misunderstood man in America , and that he is the least bullying of any bully in the entire country , including Puerto Rico .
And the most famous White House intern in history , Monica Lewinsky , who is now 47 , will remind everyone that , over 20 years ago , she had an affair with President Bill Clinton , even though he contends that he did not have an affair with her .
Co-Moderator Silk stated that the first night will close with the President 's favorite @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Band , who will play his favorite song “ You Can ’ t Always Get What You Want ” by the Rolling Stones .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - RNC moderators Diamond and Silk have just announced the main speakers for the opening night of President Donald Trump’s presidential convention.
Diamond said that 70s TV star Scott Baio will speak about how the President is the most religious man he has ever known.
USA Today reports that Trump said that, every Sunday, he, Melania, Barron, and Ivanka attend the Unipisaterian Church.
The First Lady will speak about how supportive her husband has been regarding her “Be Best” anti-bullying program.
Melania will say that her husband is the most misunderstood man in America, and that he is the least bullying of any bully in the entire country, including Puerto Rico.
And the most famous White House intern in history, Monica Lewinsky, who is now 47, will remind everyone that, over 20 years ago, she had an affair with President Bill Clinton, even though he contends that he did not have an affair with her.
Co-Moderator Silk stated that the first night will close with the President's favorite band, The Trumpapalooza Ass Kickin’ Band, who will play his favorite song “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” by the Rolling Stones.


thespoof--2020-08-20--US Trades Pompeo to China for Diplomat To Be Named Later

WASHINGTON – After weeks of speculation around contact negotiations and holdout threats , the US government has traded Secretary of @ @ @ @ @ Chinese government .
This took place just before the trading deadline of August 21 .
@ @ @ @ @ who or what the US will get in return .
The US is in need @ @ @ @ @ and the Chinese appear to have a glut of those .
A spokesman for the @ @ @ @ @ We feel that we are getting a seasoned pro who has a good understanding of @ @ @ @ @ We are very excited to have him join our team.
” One anonymous source from @ @ @ @ @ said : “ We thought Mike was getting near the end of his usefulness to @ @ @ @ @ pressure he has been under , it is just a matter of time before he @ @ @ @ @ heart or soul .
”

WASHINGTON – After weeks of speculation around contact negotiations and holdout threats, the US government has traded Secretary of State Mike Pompeo to the Chinese government. This took place just before the trading deadline of August 21.
It is not yet decided who or what the US will get in return. The US is in need of a good Agriculture secretary and the Chinese appear to have a glut of those.
A spokesman for the Chinese government noted: “We feel that we are getting a seasoned pro who has a good understanding of how foreign politics work. We are very excited to have him join our team.”
One anonymous source from within the US State Department said: “We thought Mike was getting near the end of his usefulness to us. With all the pressure he has been under, it is just a matter of time before he blows out his brain, heart or soul.”


thespoof--2020-08-23--FBI – 62% of Shootings Start with Argument about Steve Zahn

WASHINGTON – After extensive research into the causes of violence in the US , the FBI announced that a large @ @ @ @ @ a disagreement over Hollywood character actor , Steve Zahn .
Deputy Director Ed Holt remarked @ @ @ @ @ surprised that this was such a consistent cause of violence .
It starts with people @ @ @ @ @ Bites , You ’ ve Got Mail or Riding in Cars with Boys , and @ @ @ @ @ .
Some people find Mr. Zahn ’ s portrayals as puckish and amiable , while @ @ @ @ @ stand the little turd.
” “ Often , someone makes a claim , someone else @ @ @ @ @ , no one wants to back down , and it leads to gunfire , ” @ @ @ @ @ considered pulling all Zahn-related movies off of the air .
I understand the First Amendment @ @ @ @ @ needs to stop .
”

WASHINGTON – After extensive research into the causes of violence in the US, the FBI announced that a large majority of shootings begin with a disagreement over Hollywood character actor, Steve Zahn.
Deputy Director Ed Holt remarked: “We were very surprised that this was such a consistent cause of violence. It starts with people watching a movie like Reality Bites, You’ve Got Mail or Riding in Cars with Boys, and things get out of hand. Some people find Mr. Zahn’s portrayals as puckish and amiable, while others just can’t stand the little turd.”
“Often, someone makes a claim, someone else counters, people take sides, no one wants to back down, and it leads to gunfire,” continued Holt.
We have considered pulling all Zahn-related movies off of the air. I understand the First Amendment implications, but the bloodshed needs to stop.”


thespoof--2020-08-23--Facebook 'bites the dust!'

Facebook 'bites the dust!'

( UNEDITED ) Dead as a 'Dodo ' , extinct , Jurassic , dinosaur , Facebook , has finally 'bitten the dust ' among young people who hate anything their mum 's and dad 's participate in !
A survey completed by Jaggedone 's CIA ( Cockroach Infiltration Army ) has revealed the extent that people below 30 are willing to go to avoid the constant bombardment of crap ads , parents spying on them , and 'Big Brother ' .
Zuckerberg , attempting to influence their lives with ancient bullshit !
Here are a few of Jaggedone 's CIA @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and discovering why they hate Facebook : 12 year-old boy from New York : `` Fuck Facebook man , it sucks big time , but Snapchat is dope ! ''
10 year-old girl from London : `` I do n't want my mum and dad stalking me on Facebook , I 'd rather have a 'lover boy ' do that !
In fact , that Zuckerberg creep gives me the shakes ! ''
15 year-old girl from Delhi : `` Facebook , sure is shit , I just love Instagram because my parents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 18 year-old boy from San Francisco : `` I 'm fucking gay man , and how the fuck could I keep it a secret from mom and dad if I told the world via Facebook !
I did it on the 'Darknet ' , my type of people , leather and shit ! ''
25 year-old male drug dealer from Manchester , UK : Facebook man , do me a favor , I only deal via Amazon ! ''
Last not least , 8 year-old Dutch boy from Amsterdam : `` Gottverdomme , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ zijn da , wat moet ik dan da stommekut ! ''
So , ancient Facebook lovers over the ripe old age of 30 !
You are so 'out and Jurassic ' your kids will hate you if you dare log in to this heap of ad-crap ...

(UNEDITED) Dead as a 'Dodo', extinct, Jurassic, dinosaur, Facebook, has finally 'bitten the dust' among young people who hate anything their mum's and dad's participate in!
A survey completed by Jaggedone's CIA (Cockroach Infiltration Army) has revealed the extent that people below 30 are willing to go to avoid the constant bombardment of crap ads, parents spying on them, and 'Big Brother'. Zuckerberg, attempting to influence their lives with ancient bullshit!
Here are a few of Jaggedone's CIA findings after interviewing millions of global youths and discovering why they hate Facebook:
12 year-old boy from New York: "Fuck Facebook man, it sucks big time, but Snapchat is dope!"
10 year-old girl from London: "I don't want my mum and dad stalking me on Facebook, I'd rather have a 'lover boy' do that! In fact, that Zuckerberg creep gives me the shakes!"
20 year-old male from Berlin: "Facebook ist SCHEISSE, big time man, I'd rather study Mein Kampf!"
15 year-old girl from Delhi: "Facebook, sure is shit, I just love Instagram because my parents can't even spell it!"
18 year-old boy from San Francisco: "I'm fucking gay man, and how the fuck could I keep it a secret from mom and dad if I told the world via Facebook! I did it on the 'Darknet', my type of people, leather and shit!"
25 year-old male drug dealer from Manchester, UK: Facebook man, do me a favor, I only deal via Amazon!"
5 year-old girl from Madrid: "Si, Facebook es grande mierda, yo tengo solamente Snapchat para mi smartphone, muy bueno, Facebook es para mi abuelo / abuela...Adios.
Last not least, 8 year-old Dutch boy from Amsterdam: "Gottverdomme, Facebook is zo 'kut' mijn ouders zijn da, wat moet ik dan da stommekut!"
So, ancient Facebook lovers over the ripe old age of 30! You are so 'out and Jurassic' your kids will hate you if you dare log in to this heap of ad-crap...


thespoof--2020-08-23--President Trump is Ready To Sign a Presidential Executive Order Trading Puerto Rico to Denmark for G

President Trump is Ready To Sign a Presidential Executive Order Trading Puerto Rico to Denmark for Greenland

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Political Satire ) - Reuters News is reporting that President Trump recently spoke with Mette Frederiksen , prime minister of Denmark , about making a trade .
Trump has always loved Greenland because of its fantastic golf courses , its delicious green beans , and its hot , sexy women .
And it is no secret that he hates Puerto Rico because it is an island surrounded by water , which makes it prone to getting hit by hurricanes .
Also , Puerto Rico has no NFL , NBA , or MLB team .
Sean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ mentioned that POTUS hates Puerto Rico even more than he hates Don Lemon .
So , the President has offered to trade Puerto Rico to Denmark in exchange for Greenland , along with a future draft country to be named later , probably American Samoa .
An expert on world geography has stated that he thinks it would be a win-win trade , as Trump would finally be rid of Puerto Rico , and Denmark would get some fantastic Puerto Rican food , beautiful beaches , and the best rum in the world @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he loves Cheese Danish , Danish windmills , and Danish porn .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Political Satire) - Reuters News is reporting that President Trump recently spoke with Mette Frederiksen, prime minister of Denmark, about making a trade.
Trump has always loved Greenland because of its fantastic golf courses, its delicious green beans, and its hot, sexy women.
And it is no secret that he hates Puerto Rico because it is an island surrounded by water, which makes it prone to getting hit by hurricanes. Also, Puerto Rico has no NFL,NBA, or MLB team.
Sean Hannity, of Fox News, recently mentioned that POTUS hates Puerto Rico even more than he hates Don Lemon.
So, the President has offered to trade Puerto Rico to Denmark in exchange for Greenland, along with a future draft country to be named later, probably American Samoa.
An expert on world geography has stated that he thinks it would be a win-win trade, as Trump would finally be rid of Puerto Rico, and Denmark would get some fantastic Puerto Rican food, beautiful beaches, and the best rum in the world.
Meanwhile, Eric Trump remarked that he loves Cheese Danish, Danish windmills, and Danish porn.


thespoof--2020-08-23--James Comey Is 6’8” In J Edgar Hoover’s High-Heel Pumps

BILLINGSGATE POST : On CBS “ Face The Nation ” , disgraced former FBI Director , James Comey , was asked how tall he was .
To the casual observer , this question might have appeared innocuous ; an innocent gesture to break the ice before getting down and dirty with the hard questions .
But to Slim Everdingle and Detrick “ Dirty Trick ” Detwiler , it meant vindication for long nights of surveillance in Everdingle ’ s specially equipped 1951 Studebaker Champion .
As reported earlier , they were investigating reports that James Comey had checked out clothing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ closet on the top floor of FBI Headquarters .
It was well-past 2:00 AM on a dark street in the Georgetown area of Washington D.C. Like Sgt .
Joe Friday and his sidekick , Officer Bill Gannon , Slim and Dirty just “ wanted the facts.
” However , this wasn ’ t Dragnet .
This was the real thing .
The bars were emptying Into the night .
Although the windows of the Studebaker were steamed over - it seems that Dirty ’ s penchant for rattling off popcorn farts to harass @ @ @ @ @ @ @ impossible to confirm .
Slim : “ Skunk Alpha , Skunk Alpha !
“ ( Sightings of enemy targets were assigned alphabetically by the team ) .
“ Check out that tall guy in the pink feathered boa coming out of the bar ?
He can hardly walk .
Those heels must be 5 inches tall .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: On CBS “Face The Nation”, disgraced former FBI Director, James Comey, was asked how tall he was.
To the casual observer, this question might have appeared innocuous; an innocent gesture to break the ice before getting down and dirty with the hard questions.
But to Slim Everdingle and Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, it meant vindication for long nights of surveillance in Everdingle’s specially equipped 1951 Studebaker Champion. As reported earlier, they were investigating reports that James Comey had checked out clothing items from the J Edgar Hoover memorabilia closet on the top floor of FBI Headquarters.
It was well-past 2:00 AM on a dark street in the Georgetown area of Washington D.C. Like Sgt. Joe Friday and his sidekick, Officer Bill Gannon, Slim and Dirty just “wanted the facts.” However, this wasn’t Dragnet. This was the real thing.
The bars were emptying Into the night. Although the windows of the Studebaker were steamed over - it seems that Dirty’s penchant for rattling off popcorn farts to harass Slim, inadvertently made visual contacts nearly impossible to confirm.
Slim: “Skunk Alpha, Skunk Alpha!“ (Sightings of enemy targets were assigned alphabetically by the team).
“Check out that tall guy in the pink feathered boa coming out of the bar? He can hardly walk. Those heels must be 5 inches tall.”
Dirty: “He’s not tall. He’s slim, that’s all.”


thespoof--2020-08-24--Meghan Markle is sick

Meghan Markle is sick

The former Duchess of Sussex , Meghan Markle , has announced that preliminary medical checks by qualified medical professionals have @ @ @ @ @ suffering from a cold .
She first started feeling unwell last Saturday , but , @ @ @ @ @ lot who know how to suppress their true feelings and just get on with things @ @ @ @ @ herself , and said nothing to her husband , the ginger-haired chap , Prince Harry @ @ @ @ @ , she had a temperature , felt lousy , sweaty under the armpits , and @ @ @ @ @ and a runny nose .
She was unable to keep silent any longer , and @ @ @ @ @ contacted Buckingham Palace who immediately despatched a full team of medical experts from London to @ @ @ @ @ One of the doctors said , `` They 're a tough lot , these Royals @ @ @ @ @ think is a cold , but , with some Lemsips , and plenty of rest @ @ @ @ @ on her feet soon , the poor dear . ''

The former Duchess of Sussex, Meghan Markle, has announced that preliminary medical checks by qualified medical professionals have ascertained that she might be suffering from a cold.
She first started feeling unwell last Saturday, but, the Royals being a hardy lot who know how to suppress their true feelings and just get on with things, she kept it to herself, and said nothing to her husband, the ginger-haired chap, Prince Harry.
On Sunday, however, she had a temperature, felt lousy, sweaty under the armpits, and had a terribly sore throat and a runny nose.
She was unable to keep silent any longer, and notified the Prince. He contacted Buckingham Palace who immediately despatched a full team of medical experts from London to deal with the crisis.
One of the doctors said, "They're a tough lot, these Royals. She has what we think is a cold, but, with some Lemsips, and plenty of rest, she'll be back on her feet soon, the poor dear."


Dog Joins Cult

MONTREAL – After years of searching for her true purpose , local Yellow Lab , Nutmeg , has become a @ @ @ @ @ of Infinite Love .
This Quebec group is widely viewed as a cult .
“ @ @ @ @ @ to wander from group to group .
It seems like she was very unsure of @ @ @ @ @ owner , Jean Burton .
“ Lately , she has been hanging out with these @ @ @ @ @ .
They preach peace and love and all of that , and that really resonated @ @ @ @ @ s a very idealistic dog , but , frankly , a little gullible as well @ @ @ @ @ her with solid answers to life ’ s difficult questions .
I guess they are @ @ @ @ @ their right-wing religious doctrine that I could not fill with walks , treats and petting.
@ @ @ @ @ in the Laurentian mountains in Quebec .
They have released a statement calling Nutmeg a @ @ @ @ @ way to Heaven and a good , good girl .
”

MONTREAL – After years of searching for her true purpose, local Yellow Lab, Nutmeg, has become a member of the group Apostles of Infinite Love. This Quebec group is widely viewed as a cult.
“Nutmeg has always been known to wander from group to group. It seems like she was very unsure of her identity,” said owner, Jean Burton. “Lately, she has been hanging out with these Apostles of Infinite Love folks. They preach peace and love and all of that, and that really resonated with her. She’s a very idealistic dog, but, frankly, a little gullible as well. This group was providing her with solid answers to life’s difficult questions. I guess they are filling in the void with their right-wing religious doctrine that I could not fill with walks, treats and petting.”
The group is situated in the Laurentian mountains in Quebec. They have released a statement calling Nutmeg a “true believer on her way to Heaven and a good, good girl.”


thespoof--2020-08-24--President Trump’s Sister, Federal Judge Maryanne Trump Berry, Throws Him Under the Bus Big Time!

NEW YORK CITY – ( Satire News ) - The iRumors News Agency is reporting that the President ’ s older sister , unlike him , does not lie .
Retired Federal Judge Maryanne Trump Berry spoke with iRumors and revealed some very interesting details about her brother .
The Judge commented that POTUS is a pathological liar who lies like other people breathe .
She noted that even at a very young age he was a hater .
She recalled that at the age of 3 , he bit his babysitter on her right breast because she took away @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said that hearing that the President is very religious literally made her throw up her Fettucine Alfredo dinner .
She pointed out that Donnie is about half a bubble off from being a fully-fledged atheist .
She remarked that he has always had a hatred for Puerto Rico .
She said that , twelve years ago , he told her that he wanted to buy the entire island , totally demolish it , and put in a dozen resort golf courses .
When iRumors asked the President to comment on his sister ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he does not know her , and has never met her .

NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) - The iRumors News Agency is reporting that the President’s older sister, unlike him, does not lie.
Retired Federal Judge Maryanne Trump Berry spoke with iRumors and revealed some very interesting details about her brother.
The Judge commented that POTUS is a pathological liar who lies like other people breathe.
She noted that even at a very young age he was a hater. She recalled that at the age of 3, he bit his babysitter on her right breast because she took away his Big Mac burger.
Mrs. Berry said that hearing that the President is very religious literally made her throw up her Fettucine Alfredo dinner. She pointed out that Donnie is about half a bubble off from being a fully-fledged atheist.
She remarked that he has always had a hatred for Puerto Rico. She said that, twelve years ago, he told her that he wanted to buy the entire island, totally demolish it, and put in a dozen resort golf courses.
When iRumors asked the President to comment on his sister’s remarks, he simply said that he does not know her, and has never met her.


thespoof--2020-08-24--A Tire Shop In East Los Angeles Caught Making Counterfeit Condoms

EAST LOS ANGELES – ( Satire News ) - FBI agents raided The Tsunami Tire Shop after getting a report that employees were producing counterfeit condoms and selling them at flea markets .
Agent Gulliver J. Sorrento stated that the knock-off condoms looked real , but if one looked real close , one could see that they had tiny little pin holes .
He added that they were being made by a machine that is used to fix flat tires , and , as a result , the condoms had a kind of Firestone/Goodyear tire smell to them .
The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , 52 , said that he was not aware of what was going on , because he takes a lot of naps during the day .
Video clearly showed him holding several condoms up to the light and saying that he gave them his stamp of approval .
Dawdle said that the video had been photoshopped , because he does not own a Chicago Bulls jersey , plus he is a whole lot more handsome than the guy in the video .
Dawdle is trying to hire famed attorney Gloria Allred , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his calls .

EAST LOS ANGELES – (Satire News) - FBI agents raided The Tsunami Tire Shop after getting a report that employees were producing counterfeit condoms and selling them at flea markets.
Agent Gulliver J. Sorrento stated that the knock-off condoms looked real, but if one looked real close, one could see that they had tiny little pin holes.
He added that they were being made by a machine that is used to fix flat tires, and, as a result, the condoms had a kind of Firestone/Goodyear tire smell to them.
The shop owner, identified as Kix Dawdle, 52, said that he was not aware of what was going on, because he takes a lot of naps during the day.
Video clearly showed him holding several condoms up to the light and saying that he gave them his stamp of approval.
Dawdle said that the video had been photoshopped, because he does not own a Chicago Bulls jersey, plus he is a whole lot more handsome than the guy in the video.
Dawdle is trying to hire famed attorney Gloria Allred, but he said that she is not returning his calls.


thespoof--2020-08-25--Joe Biden: Kamala May Be Nasty, But She’s Prettier Than Alice Cooper

BILLINGSGATE POST : Beauty , like nastiness , is in the eyes of the beholder .
But when you are faced with choosing one over the other , take beauty every time .
Joe Biden made it absolutely clear that he would choose a woman to be his running mate .
His choices were limited : none of them were pretty ; but all of them were nasty .
Being pretty nasty was necessary to overcome his perceived nice guy persona .
So it was obvious : he had to pick the nastiest one of them all - Kamala Harris @ @ @ @ @ @ @ English literature , may have said it best in The Canterbury Tales , published in the 14th century .
A quote from The Wife of Bath , who was the forerunner of the modern liberated woman as interpreted today : 'My lige lady , generally , ' quod he [ I nominate you for Vice Presidency ] 'Wommen desiren to have sovereynetee [ Over the likes of Biden ’ s wee wee ] As wel over hir housbond as hir love , [ Willie Brown , her legacy from above ] And for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ' [ Surrender Joe , my turtle dove . ]
Slim : “ How can Kamala be prettier than Alice Cooper ?
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
That ’ s Bullshit .
The fix was in .
Alice got hosed .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Beauty, like nastiness, is in the eyes of the beholder. But when you are faced with choosing one over the other, take beauty every time.
Joe Biden made it absolutely clear that he would choose a woman to be his running mate. His choices were limited: none of them were pretty; but all of them were nasty. Being pretty nasty was necessary to overcome his perceived nice guy persona. So it was obvious: he had to pick the nastiest one of them all - Kamala Harris.
Geoffrey Chaucer, the father of English literature, may have said it best in The Canterbury Tales, published in the 14th century.
A quote from The Wife of Bath, who was the forerunner of the modern liberated woman as interpreted today:
'My lige lady, generally,' quod he [I nominate you for Vice Presidency]
'Wommen desiren to have sovereynetee [Over the likes of Biden’s wee wee]
As wel over hir housbond as hir love, [Willie Brown, her legacy from above]
And for to been in maistrie hym above.' [Surrender Joe, my turtle dove.]
Slim: “How can Kamala be prettier than Alice Cooper?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. That’s Bullshit. The fix was in. Alice got hosed.”


thespoof--2020-08-25--CDC Issues Immediate Halt to Colonoscopies Due to Backdoor Corona Danger

Citing data from Johns Hopkins University , the Center for Disease Control , ( CDC ) announced the immediate halt to colonoscopies .
According to the CDC , there is emerging evidence the notorious Covid-19 , aka coronavirus , aka kung flu , is capable of entering the human body from any human orifice .
The CDC did not indicate how long the restrictions would last .
During a 30-minute press conference , CDC Director Robert Redfield explained his order and answered questions .
`` Covid-19 is a sneaking rascal .
It started through the front door , but now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say .
It has mutated .
Apparently , mass face mask compliance triggered evolution , and corona found an alternate route .
Credit goes out to Spike ( that 's what I affectionately call Covid-19 , ha ha ) because it is an ingenious and daring little guy to enter through the exit .
Doctor Max Sphincter , Director of Laser Surgery , Camarillo State Hospital , was not surprised by the data or the CDC order .
`` Let me tell you something about Covid-19 -- its here to stay .
One @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get you , because no one can hold their breath and pucker up at the same time forever . ''
Sensing a market opportunity , 3M indicated it would commence producing masks for `` all occasions '' .
3M CEO , George Buckley , released the following statement : `` For people suffering from flatulence , this is a reasonable step to take to protect family and friends , and a way to stop community spread . ''

Citing data from Johns Hopkins University, the Center for Disease Control, (CDC) announced the immediate halt to colonoscopies. According to the CDC, there is emerging evidence the notorious Covid-19, aka coronavirus, aka kung flu, is capable of entering the human body from any human orifice. The CDC did not indicate how long the restrictions would last.
During a 30-minute press conference, CDC Director Robert Redfield explained his order and answered questions. "Covid-19 is a sneaking rascal. It started through the front door, but now is a backdoor man, you might say. It has mutated. Apparently, mass face mask compliance triggered evolution, and corona found an alternate route. Credit goes out to Spike (that's what I affectionately call Covid-19, ha ha) because it is an ingenious and daring little guy to enter through the exit.
Doctor Max Sphincter, Director of Laser Surgery, Camarillo State Hospital, was not surprised by the data or the CDC order. "Let me tell you something about Covid-19--its here to stay. One way or another, its gonna get you, because no one can hold their breath and pucker up at the same time forever."
Sensing a market opportunity, 3M indicated it would commence producing masks for "all occasions". 3M CEO, George Buckley, released the following statement: "For people suffering from flatulence, this is a reasonable step to take to protect family and friends, and a way to stop community spread."


thespoof--2020-08-27--More Suggestions On Removing Trump After He Loses Election

Citizens of both parties are becoming concerned about Donald Trump ’ s threat not to leave the White House after he loses the election .
He is already advancing the notion that , if he did , indeed , lose , it would mean that the election was rigged , and he would not be going anywhere .
“ It would be the greatest crime against all of humanity in the history of the entire world , if I am not re-elected .
Crime will march into the suburbs , the churches , and the golf clubs.
” Well , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the nation doesn ’ t agree .
That 98 % is often referred to as The Reality Check .
The Reality Check is a group of American patriots , as well as concerned citizens from around the world .
One citizen from India submitted a suggestion : Take a giant can opener to the roof of the White House , work your way around , lift the roof… Putin says , let him stay .
We have a big party .
Someone else wrote : Cut his Twitter Line and he ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
Hitch him up to a zip-line and send him south to Mar-a-Lago .
Make a slide out of the main staircase , wax it up , shut down the elevators , and watch Jelly-Belly slide straight out of the White House , down the greased up driveway , open the gates , and Buenos Dias .
Get a 90-year-old lady , in a walker , and have her bet him a triple layer chocolate cake , that she can beat him down the driveway and out the front gate .
The suggestions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ using stink-bombs to life-size cut-outs of Hillary Clinton in every room ; some of her in a bikini or a thong .
She agreed to stand motionless in the Oval Office , let him walk in , then jump and say , `` Boo ! ''
But the most realistic eviction notice may just come from the Office of the New York Attorney General .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Citizens of both parties are becoming concerned about Donald Trump’s threat not to leave the White House after he loses the election. He is already advancing the notion that, if he did, indeed, lose, it would mean that the election was rigged, and he would not be going anywhere.
“It would be the greatest crime against all of humanity in the history of the entire world, if I am not re-elected. Crime will march into the suburbs, the churches, and the golf clubs.”
Well, not so fast. About 98% of the nation doesn’t agree.
That 98% is often referred to as The Reality Check. The Reality Check is a group of American patriots, as well as concerned citizens from around the world.
One citizen from India submitted a suggestion: Take a giant can opener to the roof of the White House, work your way around, lift the roof…
Putin says, let him stay. We have a big party.
Someone else wrote: Cut his Twitter Line and he’ll fade by sunset. Donald Who?
Hitch him up to a zip-line and send him south to Mar-a-Lago.
Make a slide out of the main staircase, wax it up, shut down the elevators, and watch Jelly-Belly slide straight out of the White House, down the greased up driveway, open the gates, and Buenos Dias.
Get a 90-year-old lady, in a walker, and have her bet him a triple layer chocolate cake, that she can beat him down the driveway and out the front gate.
The suggestions to Reality Check are flooding in from using stink-bombs to life-size cut-outs of Hillary Clinton in every room; some of her in a bikini or a thong. She agreed to stand motionless in the Oval Office, let him walk in, then jump and say, "Boo!"
But the most realistic eviction notice may just come from the Office of the New York Attorney General.
No cake included.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-08-25--President Trump Says He Has Never Had Sexual Relations with That Woman Mrs. Jerry Falwell, Jr

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - The New York Times is reporting that the first lady of Liberty University , Becki Falwell , has allegedly carried on an intimate relationship with one of her husband ’ s golfing buddies .
The golfer , who was not named , said that , yes , he definitely knows Becki , whom he calls “ Bunny Teeth ” , but added that he has never once seen her naked or even semi-naked .
When Mrs. Jerry Falwell Jr. was asked to comment , she simply said that she does not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ any golfers .
Meanwhile , President Trump has been mentioned as having a very close relationship to “ Bunny Teeth ” .
Trump was asked by CNN ’ s Anderson Cooper if he has ever had relations of a sexual nature with Mrs. Falwell .
POTUS said that he has extremely high standards when it comes to women , and having seen a photo of Becki , he pointed out that he would never even kiss this Bugs Bunny-looking woman on the mouth , or on any other erogenous zone on her body @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be .
When Rev .
Jerry Falwell Jr. was asked to comment on his wife 's affair , he paused for a moment , and said that Becki has always had a bit of an obsessive attraction to male 'whatchamadoddles . '

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - The New York Times is reporting that the first lady of Liberty University, Becki Falwell, has allegedly carried on an intimate relationship with one of her husband’s golfing buddies.
The golfer, who was not named, said that, yes, he definitely knows Becki, whom he calls “Bunny Teeth”, but added that he has never once seen her naked or even semi-naked.
When Mrs. Jerry Falwell Jr. was asked to comment, she simply said that she does not play golf, nor does she know any golfers.
Meanwhile, President Trump has been mentioned as having a very close relationship to “Bunny Teeth”.
Trump was asked by CNN’s Anderson Cooper if he has ever had relations of a sexual nature with Mrs. Falwell.
POTUS said that he has extremely high standards when it comes to women, and having seen a photo of Becki, he pointed out that he would never even kiss this Bugs Bunny-looking woman on the mouth, or on any other erogenous zone on her body, no matter how tempting it might be.
When Rev. Jerry Falwell Jr. was asked to comment on his wife's affair, he paused for a moment, and said that Becki has always had a bit of an obsessive attraction to male 'whatchamadoddles.'


thespoof--2020-08-26--Donald Trump Jr., Denies He Was on Drugs - Says It Was Just Good Old-Fashioned Trumpian Pride

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - After several late night comedians suggested that Donald Trump Jr. , @ @ @ @ @ high on Peruvian Marching Dust , he angrily remarked that it was not cocaine , @ @ @ @ @ Trumpian pride .
His girlfriend , Kimberly “ The Screamin ’ Banshee ” Guilfoyle , @ @ @ @ @ just high on her amazing performance , which President Trump noted was worthy of an @ @ @ @ @ , who could easily out yell any WWE wrestler , sounded like she was trying @ @ @ @ @ Eva Peron yelling at the Argentine people from high a top the palace balcony .
@ @ @ @ @ said he put a Decibel Meter to Guilfoyle ’ s speech , and it hit @ @ @ @ @ to a 747 jet during take off .
Trump Jr. later told Tucker Carlson that @ @ @ @ @ is a daily Flintstone vitamin , which he says keeps his eyes from looking like @ @ @ @ @ it also helps with his erectile dysfunction .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - After several late night comedians suggested that Donald Trump Jr., delivered his convention speech while high on Peruvian Marching Dust, he angrily remarked that it was not cocaine, it was just good old-fashioned Trumpian pride.
His girlfriend, Kimberly “The Screamin’ Banshee” Guilfoyle, added that little Donnie was just high on her amazing performance, which President Trump noted was worthy of an Academy Award nomination.
Kimby, who could easily out yell any WWE wrestler, sounded like she was trying to imitate Argentina’s Eva Peron yelling at the Argentine people from high a top the palace balcony.
CNN’s Don Lemon said he put a Decibel Meter to Guilfoyle’s speech, and it hit 131, which is equivalent to a 747 jet during take off.
Trump Jr. later told Tucker Carlson that the only drug he takes is a daily Flintstone vitamin, which he says keeps his eyes from looking like ping pong balls, and it also helps with his erectile dysfunction.


thespoof--2020-08-25--Ghislaine Maxwell Says That a Prison Guard Tried to Poison Her with a Baloney Sandwich

BROOKLYN – ( Satire News ) - Fox News is reporting that sexual predator Ghislaine Maxwell informed them that a @ @ @ @ @ her .
Maxwell said that the guard brought her dinner which consisted of a baloney @ @ @ @ @ and half a papaya .
She said that the Cheetos were fine , and the @ @ @ @ @ , but when she brought the baloney sandwich up to her mouth , she said @ @ @ @ @ combination of Lysol , FDS , and Gorilla Glue .
The warden was informed , @ @ @ @ @ throw the sandwich in the trash , and just eat the Cheetos and papaya .
@ @ @ @ @ reportedly now has a butch dyke ‘ boyfriend ’ , Antonia Lavonda “ Tony ” @ @

BROOKLYN – (Satire News) - Fox News is reporting that sexual predator Ghislaine Maxwell informed them that a prison guard tried to poison her.
Maxwell said that the guard brought her dinner which consisted of a baloney sandwich, some Cheetos, and half a papaya.
She said that the Cheetos were fine, and the half a papaya was okay, but when she brought the baloney sandwich up to her mouth, she said that it smelled like a combination of Lysol, FDS, and Gorilla Glue.
The warden was informed, and Ghislaine was told to throw the sandwich in the trash, and just eat the Cheetos and papaya.
In an update, Ghislaine reportedly now has a butch dyke ‘boyfriend’, Antonia Lavonda “Tony” Hamilton.


thespoof--2020-08-26--Melania Trump’s RNC Speech From The White House Rose Garden Sounded Real Good, But Who the Heck Was

Melania Trump’s RNC Speech From The White House Rose Garden Sounded Real Good, But Who the Heck Was She Talking About

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - Most everyone agrees that the first lady ’ s speech was truly a good speech , but everyone is trying to figure out just exactly who the hell she was talking about .
Granted she mentioned her husband ’ s name ( Donald ) a total of 53 times , but the sentences did not fit what POTUS is actually doing .
Melania taking a cue from her hubby , threw in some lies of her own .
She said that the president cares about everyone regardless if they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The first lady then tossed in another lie saying that Donald wants half of the White House tour guides to be black .
And then the first lady , who looked stunning in her $ 17,000 Francois de Cul designer Army original , threw out the whopper of the night .
Melania 's little beady eyes , got even beadier , when she stated that the president recently went down to the border , and released every single child from those dreadful , pitiful , barbarically inhumane cages .
In closing Melania @ @ @ @ @ @ @ history , because without history , we would not have the past , and without the past , we would not have geography . ''

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - Most everyone agrees that the first lady’s speech was truly a good speech, but everyone is trying to figure out just exactly who the hell she was talking about.
Granted she mentioned her husband’s name (Donald) a total of 53 times, but the sentences did not fit what POTUS is actually doing.
Melania taking a cue from her hubby, threw in some lies of her own. She said that the president cares about everyone regardless if they’re from Ireland, Herzegovina, or Guatemala.
The first lady then tossed in another lie saying that Donald wants half of the White House tour guides to be black.
And then the first lady, who looked stunning in her $17,000 Francois de Cul designer Army original, threw out the whopper of the night.
Melania's little beady eyes, got even beadier, when she stated that the president recently went down to the border, and released every single child from those dreadful, pitiful, barbarically inhumane cages.
In closing Melania stated “We must not forget about history, because without history, we would not have the past, and without the past, we would not have geography."


thespoof--2020-08-26--Eric Trump, Tiffany Trump, and Pam Bondi Speak on Day 2 of The Republican National Convention

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) Pundits report that Tiffany Trump knocked her speech out of the park .
She spoke about her father ’ s tax problems , and then went right into self-care , in regards to her hair , her outfit , her make-up , and her love for rescue penguins .
She noted that her step-mother , Melania , had helped her with her hair and make-up , and her step-sister Ivanka had helped her with her pronunciation of the words photosynthesis , synchronization , and Massachusetts .
Eric Trump , meanwhile , had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ brother Donnie “ The Key ” Trump Jr. had on the opening night of the Republican National Convention .
Little Eric kind of messed up pretty bad when he said that he supported his dad ’ s idea of erecting a statue of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson in the Rose Garden .
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo , spoke from Jerusalem , Israel , where he had gone to dedicate the newest Trump Hotel .
He basically didn ’ t say squat , twice mumbling something about diet bagels .
And former Florida @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she loves the president so much that Melania better be careful .
She later said that she was just joking .
Bondi did take a few moments to dispel the rumor that , since leaving office , she ’ s been working as a pole dancer at Orlando ’ s Casa de Mucho Joy Lounge .
The ditzy fake blonde also pointed out that the rumor that she has a tramp stamp with the initials DJT is totally false , as Eric Trump later confirmed .
Meanwhile , Trump ’ s two ass-kissing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , are reportedly furious that they have not been asked to speak at , as comedian Zydeco Dupree calls it , the Trumpapalooza Convention .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) Pundits report that Tiffany Trump knocked her speech out of the park. She spoke about her father’s tax problems, and then went right into self-care, in regards to her hair, her outfit, her make-up, and her love for rescue penguins.
She noted that her step-mother, Melania, had helped her with her hair and make-up, and her step-sister Ivanka had helped her with her pronunciation of the words photosynthesis, synchronization, and Massachusetts.
Eric Trump, meanwhile, had the same strange glassy-eyed look that his brother Donnie “The Key” Trump Jr. had on the opening night of the Republican National Convention.
Little Eric kind of messed up pretty bad when he said that he supported his dad’s idea of erecting a statue of Confederate General Stonewall Jackson in the Rose Garden.
Secretary of State Mike Pompeo, spoke from Jerusalem, Israel, where he had gone to dedicate the newest Trump Hotel. He basically didn’t say squat, twice mumbling something about diet bagels.
And former Florida attorney general Pam Bondi, said that she loves the president so much that Melania better be careful. She later said that she was just joking.
Bondi did take a few moments to dispel the rumor that, since leaving office, she’s been working as a pole dancer at Orlando’s Casa de Mucho Joy Lounge.
The ditzy fake blonde also pointed out that the rumor that she has a tramp stamp with the initials DJT is totally false, as Eric Trump later confirmed.
Meanwhile, Trump’s two ass-kissing Aunt Tomasina sisters, Diamond and Silk, are reportedly furious that they have not been asked to speak at, as comedian Zydeco Dupree calls it, the Trumpapalooza Convention.


thespoof--2020-08-27--Bill Clinton Endorses Joe Biden: Sniffing Hair Safer Than Oral Sex

BILLINGSGATE POST : Last week during the virtual Democrat convention , Joe Biden received a backhanded endorsement from Bill Clinton , who was called upon to praise the moral virtues of the Democrat nominee for president .
In a rare admission that he may have crossed the line when he allowed Monica Lewinsky to perform oral sex on him while he was showing her his etchings in the Oval Office , Bubba stated that he wishes he had thought of sniffing her hair to satisfy his sexual needs .
“ It ’ s sure safer than oral sex , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ If ah would ’ ve thought of that aht the time , it sure would ’ ve saved me a whole bunch of trouble.
” When asked if he believed Joe Biden was merely comforting these ladies while he was rubbing their shoulders and sniffing their hair : “ Ah yud be a lying , dog-faced pony soldier if ah said that.
” “ That ’ s between Joe and his Creatah .
Who am ah to judge the motives of another man in heat ?
” Slim : “ That @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden will get the swing votes .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Last week during the virtual Democrat convention, Joe Biden received a backhanded endorsement from Bill Clinton, who was called upon to praise the moral virtues of the Democrat nominee for president.
In a rare admission that he may have crossed the line when he allowed Monica Lewinsky to perform oral sex on him while he was showing her his etchings in the Oval Office, Bubba stated that he wishes he had thought of sniffing her hair to satisfy his sexual needs.
“It’s sure safer than oral sex,” he sheepishly admitted in his recorded speech.
“If ah would’ve thought of that aht the time, it sure would’ve saved me a whole bunch of trouble.”
When asked if he believed Joe Biden was merely comforting these ladies while he was rubbing their shoulders and sniffing their hair:
“Ah yud be a lying, dog-faced pony soldier if ah said that.”
“That’s between Joe and his Creatah. Who am ah to judge the motives of another man in heat?”
Slim: “That settles it. With that endorsement, Biden will get the swing votes.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I’m thinking about swinging, myself.”


thespoof--2020-08-28--Trump becomes a Democrat

Trump becomes a Democrat

Desperate to win another four years of spewing lies and baloney onto the general public , Donald Trump has decided the only option is to become a Democrat .
`` I never liked Republicans anyway , '' he shouted at journalists .
`` D is for Donald and Democrat , T is for Trump and Turncoat .
Get it ? ''
An usher at the door laughed .
`` I 've always admired Biden and that other woman .
Great people , and I 'll give 'em good jobs once we 're re-elected .
And Nancy Pelosi is a wonderful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
She 's the greatest Pelosi we 've ever had . ''
The news came as a shock to many Republicans , though strangely criticism was minimal .
In fact , many could be seen dancing in the streets and party membership rocketed 25 % within an hour of the announcement .
Reporters asked how he would oust Biden , should he win .
`` I 'm incumbent , '' stated Trump .
`` Do n't know what that means , but it must have some clout .
Besides , we 've moved @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Joe was here , so it would be much easier if I were just to carry on .
I think people will appreciate that .
Yep , there 's a certain logic to that . ''
Kitchen staff at the White House looked on and smiled .
`` That guy 'll stop at nothin ' , '' said one staff member .
`` He 's plain nuts , man , plain nuts . ''

Desperate to win another four years of spewing lies and baloney onto the general public, Donald Trump has decided the only option is to become a Democrat. "I never liked Republicans anyway," he shouted at journalists. "D is for Donald and Democrat, T is for Trump and Turncoat. Get it?" An usher at the door laughed.
"I've always admired Biden and that other woman. Great people, and I'll give 'em good jobs once we're re-elected. And Nancy Pelosi is a wonderful leader. I've always said that. She's the greatest Pelosi we've ever had."
The news came as a shock to many Republicans, though strangely criticism was minimal. In fact, many could be seen dancing in the streets and party membership rocketed 25 % within an hour of the announcement.
Reporters asked how he would oust Biden, should he win. "I'm incumbent," stated Trump. "Don't know what that means, but it must have some clout. Besides, we've moved the furniture around since the last time Joe was here, so it would be much easier if I were just to carry on. I think people will appreciate that. Yep, there's a certain logic to that."
Kitchen staff at the White House looked on and smiled. "That guy'll stop at nothin'," said one staff member. "He's plain nuts, man, plain nuts."


thespoof--2020-08-28--President Trump Goes On, and On, and On, and Finally After 3 Hours, 17 Minutes, and 42 Seconds Accep

President Trump Goes On, and On, and On, and Finally After 3 Hours, 17 Minutes, and 42 Seconds Accepts the RNC Nomination for President

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - President Trump broke yet another record as he talked for what seemed like an eternity .
TMZ reported that he officially broke the presidential acceptance speech record by rambling on for a total of 3 hours , 17 , minutes , and 42 seconds .
The President , speaking before a hand-picked crowd of 2,000 people on the White House lawn , was actually interrupted by applause 291 times .
And that included once for a full three minutes , when he mentioned that first lady Melania is the sexiest first @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the fourth president , James Madison .
TMZ 's Harvey Levin said that , out of the 2,000 attendees , no one was self-distancing , and only 7 people were actually wearing a mask .
Levin pointed out that he had never , ever seen so many black people at the White House .
He added that , judging by the total amount of blacks present , one would 've thought that the United States was 73 % black , instead of just 13 % .
Levin , who is not the least @ @ @ @ @ @ @ really try to distance himself from Rudy Giuliani .
The TMZ creator remarked that the “ Swamp Creature ” who is missing both lips , is so hard to understand , that the networks really need to add subtitles to the bottom of the TV screen whenever he is speaking .
The The highly reputable CNN fact checker , Tip Riggendale , pointed out that POTUS uttered a total of 702 lies , breaking President Millard Fillmore ’ s old record of 2 .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - President Trump broke yet another record as he talked for what seemed like an eternity.
TMZ reported that he officially broke the presidential acceptance speech record by rambling on for a total of 3 hours, 17, minutes, and 42 seconds.
The President, speaking before a hand-picked crowd of 2,000 people on the White House lawn, was actually interrupted by applause 291 times.
And that included once for a full three minutes, when he mentioned that first lady Melania is the sexiest first lady since Dolly Madison, wife of the fourth president, James Madison.
TMZ's Harvey Levin said that, out of the 2,000 attendees, no one was self-distancing, and only 7 people were actually wearing a mask.
Levin pointed out that he had never, ever seen so many black people at the White House.
He added that, judging by the total amount of blacks present, one would've thought that the United States was 73% black, instead of just 13%.
Levin, who is not the least bit shy, suggested that Trump should really try to distance himself from Rudy Giuliani.
The TMZ creator remarked that the “Swamp Creature” who is missing both lips, is so hard to understand, that the networks really need to add subtitles to the bottom of the TV screen whenever he is speaking.
The The highly reputable CNN fact checker, Tip Riggendale, pointed out that POTUS uttered a total of 702 lies, breaking President Millard Fillmore’s old record of 2.


thespoof--2020-08-28--Top Baby Names for 2019

Top Baby Names for 2019

NEW YORK – The US Social Security Administration released the top names selected for newborns in 2019 .
The list @ @ @ @ @ For males , the top names were : The top 10 names selected for females @ @ @ @ @ ) Bertie 2 ) Helen 3 ) Agatha 4 ) Henrietta 5 ) Mabel 6 @ @ @ @ @ 8 ) Wilhelmina 9 ) Josephine 10 ) Gertrude 11 ) Blanche 12 ) Kylie @ @ @ @ @ yet to start tracking names of babies that declare themselves gender-neutral at birth .

NEW YORK – The US Social Security Administration released the top names selected for newborns in 2019. The list includes some surprising newcomers. For males, the top names were:
1) Oxnard
2) Langston
3) Egbert
4) Aloysius
5) Cletus
6) Ezekiel
7) Hubert
8) Leopold
9) Roscoe
10) Hobart
11) Cecil
12) Liam
The top 10 names selected for females in 2019 are:
1) Bertie
2) Helen
3) Agatha
4) Henrietta
5) Mabel
6) Edith
7) Mildred
8) Wilhelmina
9) Josephine
10) Gertrude
11) Blanche
12) Kylie
The Social Security Administration has yet to start tracking names of babies that declare themselves gender-neutral at birth.


thespoof--2020-08-29--Trump Tweet: "My Favorite Bible Story is When Jesus Drove Antifa Out of the Tabernacle. Awesome!"

Washington - President Donald Trump , fresh off his triumphant GOP Convention in which every single family member and their @ @ @ @ @ , relaxed Sunday with some well deserved golf , but not before getting on twitter @ @ @ @ @ of the sabbath , and his relationship to evangelical supporters .
`` It 's very @ @ @ @ @ the media are doing to Jerry Falwell Jr. , '' said the President .
`` @ @ @ @ @ Not against the law to watch ! ''
Trump also related his very favorite bible @ @ @ @ @ ask me , what is your favorite part of the Bible ? ''
Well , @ @ @ @ @ not the Ten Commandments - some of those are very unfair !
I personally like @ @ @ @ @ enters the tabernacle and chases out Anifa , Liberals , Socialists and the radical Open @ @ @ @ @ awesome ! ''
said Trump .

Washington - President Donald Trump, fresh off his triumphant GOP Convention in which every single family member and their girlfriends endorsed him for President, relaxed Sunday with some well deserved golf, but not before getting on twitter to reflect on the meaning of the sabbath, and his relationship to evangelical supporters.
"It's very wrong what the Liberals in the media are doing to Jerry Falwell Jr.," said the President. "He was only watching. Not against the law to watch!"
Trump also related his very favorite bible passage. "Many people ask me, what is your favorite part of the Bible?" Well, for me, it's not the Ten Commandments - some of those are very unfair! I personally like Two Corinthians, where Jesus enters the tabernacle and chases out Anifa, Liberals, Socialists and the radical Open Border Democrats. It's awesome!" said Trump.


thespoof--2020-08-29--Trump's former lover comes out of hiding

President of the United States , Donald J. Trump , finally got to make his nomination acceptance speech yesterday , @ @ @ @ @ personality from his dim past threatened to spoil his big day .
Before taking the @ @ @ @ @ waylaid by one of his old lovers , a woman by the name of Deidre @ @ @ @ @ to sue him a couple of years ago for psychological trauma and hurt , after @ @ @ @ @ the early 1970s .
Ms Fatbottom yesterday approached Mr Trump and reminded him that she @ @ @ @ @ those years , and wanted some financial redress .
Donald apparently told her to buzz @ @ @ @ @ Trump lover has now decided enough is enough .
She will now consider paying a @ @ @ @ @ for her .

President of the United States, Donald J. Trump, finally got to make his nomination acceptance speech yesterday, but not before a mysterious personality from his dim past threatened to spoil his big day.
Before taking the stage, the President was waylaid by one of his old lovers, a woman by the name of Deidre Fatbottom. She apparently threatened to sue him a couple of years ago for psychological trauma and hurt, after Donald ended their relationship in the early 1970s.
Ms Fatbottom yesterday approached Mr Trump and reminded him that she was still suffering after all those years, and wanted some financial redress. Donald apparently told her to buzz off.
The disgruntled former Trump lover has now decided enough is enough. She will now consider paying a hitman to settle the matter for her.


thespoof--2020-08-29--Why Not Recognizing Clickbait Could Kill You

LOS ANGELES – Celebrity sources say that there is a major brouhaha between Taylor Swift , Dwayne ‘ The Rock @ @ @ @ @ and Channing Tatum .
The disagreement stems from some tweets started by Chris Hemsworth about @ @ @ @ @ into news stories based solely on celebrity name-dropping .
Inability to recognize this trick could @ @ @ @ @ a gullibility that could render you helpless .
Health officials warn that people addicted to @ @ @ @ @ attention before falling victim to online scams .
“ This is not a joke , @ @ @ @ @ with Katy Perry .
“ People need to wake up and stop living their lives @ @ @ @ @ to get your own life .
Just like Katy has .
”

LOS ANGELES – Celebrity sources say that there is a major brouhaha between Taylor Swift, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson, Emma Watson and Channing Tatum. The disagreement stems from some tweets started by Chris Hemsworth about the ability to draw people into news stories based solely on celebrity name-dropping.
Inability to recognize this trick could reveal true character weakness and a gullibility that could render you helpless. Health officials warn that people addicted to celebrity culture should seek medical attention before falling victim to online scams.
“This is not a joke,” said a woman obsessed with Katy Perry. “People need to wake up and stop living their lives through stars. You need to get your own life. Just like Katy has.”


thespoof--2020-08-29--Pennsylvania Police are Searching for a One-Horse Amish Buggy in an Alleged Hit-and-Run

According to an eye-witness , the Kia Sorento cut in front of the one-horse buggy , and the Amish driver tried to stop , but hit the Kia on the left rear fender .
The Amish driver , who the witness said looked to be about 94 years old , suddenly darted off into the night in his one-horse buggy .
The Kia driver , who was an elderly lady , was crying so much , that her dentures popped out of her mouth and struck the investigating officer on his left eyebrow .
The officer asked the driver if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hit-and-run buggy driver .
She replied that she han ’ t because she was too busy screaming , crying , and shaking .
The officer then asked her if she could describe the buggy .
She said that she thought that it was black with black stripes .
The officer then asked her to describe the horse .
She said that it was just a regular big , sweaty , black-colored horse .
He asked if she could possibly be more specific .
She thought for a moment , and softly whispered , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” The BBPD says they ’ ll keep an eye out for the black one-horse Amish buggy with black stripes .

BEAVER BELLY, Pennsylvania – (Satire News) - Police are investigating a reported incident involving a one-horse Amish buggy and a Kia Sorento.
According to an eye-witness, the Kia Sorento cut in front of the one-horse buggy, and the Amish driver tried to stop, but hit the Kia on the left rear fender.
The Amish driver, who the witness said looked to be about 94 years old, suddenly darted off into the night in his one-horse buggy.
The Kia driver, who was an elderly lady, was crying so much, that her dentures popped out of her mouth and struck the investigating officer on his left eyebrow.
The officer asked the driver if she had gotten a look at the hit-and-run buggy driver. She replied that she han’t because she was too busy screaming, crying, and shaking.
The officer then asked her if she could describe the buggy. She said that she thought that it was black with black stripes.
The officer then asked her to describe the horse.
She said that it was just a regular big, sweaty, black-colored horse. He asked if she could possibly be more specific. She thought for a moment, and softly whispered, “The son-of-a-bitch had a three-foot-long genitalia.”
The BBPD says they’ll keep an eye out for the black one-horse Amish buggy with black stripes.