thespoof--2020-02-05--Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Watched The State of The Union Address: We’re Now Both Democrats Said

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Watched The State of The Union Address: We’re Now Both Democrats Said The Prince

WEST HOLLYWOOD – Mr. and Mrs .
Prince Harry watched the president ’ s State of the Union address at @ @ @ @ @ West Holly , as the locals call it .
The prince said that Trump appeared @ @ @ @ @ his words , including Schumer , orange , French fries , Stormy Daniels , and @ @ @ @ @ giggled as she commented , “ President Trumpet had way too much lipstick on.
” @ @ @ @ @ , “ Now , if he was a clown with The Ringling Brothers , Barnum @ @ @ @ @ he would look very spiffy and very clowny.
” Prince Harry said that he has @ @ @ @ @ , why every Democrat hates Trump .
“ The man is an incessantly arrogant liar.
@ @ @ @ @ “ I mean , how can he possibly say with a straight face that he @ @ @ @ @ of the people of California put together ?
”

WEST HOLLYWOOD – Mr. and Mrs. Prince Harry watched the president’s State of the Union address at The Tipsy Tadpole Lounge in West Holly, as the locals call it.
The prince said that Trump appeared to be slurring many of his words, including Schumer, orange, French fries, Stormy Daniels, and libido.
Meanwhile, Meghan giggled as she commented, “President Trumpet had way too much lipstick on.” She winked as she added, “Now, if he was a clown with The Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bailey Circus, then he would look very spiffy and very clowny.”
Prince Harry said that he has now seen, first hand, why every Democrat hates Trump. “The man is an incessantly arrogant liar.” He went on, “I mean, how can he possibly say with a straight face that he has more money than all of the people of California put together?”
(IN CLOSING – The Internet is going crazy over Tiffany Trump’s blue bikini panties flash.)


thespoof--2020-02-05--Woman Admits Going to Company Lunch Only for Free Food

Mere minutes before the Super Bowl lunch hosted by the law firm where she works , Pam Cooper of Nashville , Tennessee , confided to a coworker that she was planning to attend the event solely for the free food .
`` I was a little taken aback , '' said colleague , Trent Lister .
`` But then again , they were serving pizza and wings , which are tough to come by here in Nashville . ''
He chuckled .
`` Not . ''
While Lister did his best to conceal his judgment of Cooper 's flagrant exploitation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ could n't help but be nonplussed by her flagrant working of the system for edible gains .
`` She said straight out she was n't really interested in talking to people , '' he said .
`` I mean , WTF ? ''
By all indications , Cooper herself had no qualms about her own behavior .
She told Lister , `` I 'm going to try to also grab a couple of bottled waters while I 'm there .
They 're handy for after the gym . ''
Despite his differing motivation @ @ @ @ @ @ @ says that he does not plan to let Cooper 's revelation affect their professional relationship .
`` We have to work together , and the only way to do that is not to judge , '' he said .
`` To each his own . ''

Mere minutes before the Super Bowl lunch hosted by the law firm where she works, Pam Cooper of Nashville, Tennessee, confided to a coworker that she was planning to attend the event solely for the free food.
"I was a little taken aback," said colleague, Trent Lister. "But then again, they were serving pizza and wings, which are tough to come by here in Nashville." He chuckled. "Not."
While Lister did his best to conceal his judgment of Cooper's flagrant exploitation of the camaraderie-building firm-sponsored event, he couldn't help but be nonplussed by her flagrant working of the system for edible gains. "She said straight out she wasn't really interested in talking to people," he said. "I mean, WTF?"
By all indications, Cooper herself had no qualms about her own behavior. She told Lister, "I'm going to try to also grab a couple of bottled waters while I'm there. They're handy for after the gym."
Despite his differing motivation for participating in company events, Lister says that he does not plan to let Cooper's revelation affect their professional relationship. "We have to work together, and the only way to do that is not to judge," he said. "To each his own."


thespoof--2020-02-05--Poozleosi Rips Up Speech: Like Hitler Tearing Up Treaty of Versailles

BILLINGSGATE POST : Nancy Poozleosi had a bad day .
Some would say it may have been the wrong time @ @ @ @ @ , her being 79 years old , makes that unlikely .
Other pundits , upon @ @ @ @ @ tearing up more three pages at a time , suggest she may have been on @ @ @ @ @ , “ A real pro would have used a shredder.
” Vladimir Putin : “ @ @ @ @ @ up the Treaty of Versailles.
” Slim : “ She looked like a chicken being @ @ @ @ @ ” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
The broad just can ’ t take @ @ @ @

BILLINGSGATE POST: Nancy Poozleosi had a bad day. Some would say it may have been the wrong time of the month. However, her being 79 years old, makes that unlikely. Other pundits, upon seeing her hand strength in tearing up more three pages at a time, suggest she may have been on steroids.
Various Comments from World leaders:
Hillary Clinton said, “A real pro would have used a shredder.”
Vladimir Putin: “Reminded me of Hitler tearing up the Treaty of Versailles.”
Slim: “She looked like a chicken being roasted on a beer can.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. The broad just can’t take a joke.”


thespoof--2020-02-06--Political Apathy Reclassified as 'Positive Thinking'

In the wake of American disillusionment following the skeleton impeachment `` trial '' of United States President Donald Trump - which , unlike the standard trial in the American judiciary system , did not allow for the introduction of any witnesses , documents , or other tangible evidence - psychologists have reclassified political apathy as 'positive thinking ' .
`` Barring total insanity , there 's no logical basis for traditional 'positive thinking ' anymore , '' said psychologist Amy Moore .
`` Apathy is realistically as good as it 's going to get . ''
For that reason , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has redefined `` not giving a s*** '' as 'positive thinking ' .
`` Kind of like grading on a curve , '' she explained .
By the same token , what used to be known as 'cautious optimism ' , has been reclassified as 'mania ' .
`` We 'd encourage anyone suffering from that level of delusion to consider taking prescription medication , '' said Moore .
`` Bipolar is no joke . ''
When asked to offer her single most important piece of advice for Americans struggling to maintain their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , `` More than anything else , people should keep in mind that there 's not really any cause for hope .
So , adjust your expectations accordingly . ''

In the wake of American disillusionment following the skeleton impeachment "trial" of United States President Donald Trump - which, unlike the standard trial in the American judiciary system, did not allow for the introduction of any witnesses, documents, or other tangible evidence - psychologists have reclassified political apathy as 'positive thinking'.
"Barring total insanity, there's no logical basis for traditional 'positive thinking' anymore," said psychologist Amy Moore. "Apathy is realistically as good as it's going to get."
For that reason, stated Moore, the American Psychological Association has redefined "not giving a s***" as 'positive thinking'. "Kind of like grading on a curve," she explained.
By the same token, what used to be known as 'cautious optimism', has been reclassified as 'mania'. "We'd encourage anyone suffering from that level of delusion to consider taking prescription medication," said Moore. "Bipolar is no joke."
When asked to offer her single most important piece of advice for Americans struggling to maintain their equanimity in turbulent times, Moore said, "More than anything else, people should keep in mind that there's not really any cause for hope. So, adjust your expectations accordingly."


thespoof--2020-02-06--With Trump's Acquittal, the Pardons Will Now Start to Roll

The White House , Washington D. C. Woof Blister reporting for SIN - Spoof International News .
Sources inside the West Wing reveal that White House lawyers have been quietly preparing pardons for the half-dozen or more Trump associates either already imprisoned , sentenced or awaiting sentence on convictions or guilty pleas related to illegal acts , some tied to the president .
A leaked version of a proposed tweet to be issued by the president very soon reads : `` These men were as much the victims of the House witchhunt as I was .
They were abused by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the federal courts , and sentenced by partisan judges .
Had they been tried by the U S Senate , all would have been acquitted . ''
Among those expected to be fully pardoned are Michael Flynn , Roger Stone and Paul Manafort , high profile names close to Trump .
Manafort has received the longest sentence - 7.5 years , and is likely to be the first pardoned .
Flynn , facing only probation , has now recanted his confession .
He and Stone may be pardoned before they have been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Michael Cohen , the president 's personal attorney .
Sentenced to three years , he provided a mountain of information to investigators and to a House committee , implicating the president .
HE may be the only felon not pardoned by Trump .
And will Trump make a special case for George Papadopoulos , who only served 12 days in jail , then filed to run for a congressional seat in California ?
It is expected that Trump will not pardon all at once , spacing the pardons for maximum political effect @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prominent positions in Trump 's re-election campaign .

The White House, Washington D. C. Woof Blister reporting for SIN - Spoof International News. Sources inside the West Wing reveal that White House lawyers have been quietly preparing pardons for the half-dozen or more Trump associates either already imprisoned, sentenced or awaiting sentence on convictions or guilty pleas related to illegal acts, some tied to the president.
A leaked version of a proposed tweet to be issued by the president very soon reads: "These men were as much the victims of the House witchhunt as I was. They were abused by the FBI, railroaded by legal zealots in the federal courts, and sentenced by partisan judges. Had they been tried by the U S Senate, all would have been acquitted."
Among those expected to be fully pardoned are Michael Flynn, Roger Stone and Paul Manafort, high profile names close to Trump. Manafort has received the longest sentence - 7.5 years, and is likely to be the first pardoned. Flynn, facing only probation, has now recanted his confession. He and Stone may be pardoned before they have been sentenced.
Then there is the case of Michael Cohen, the president's personal attorney. Sentenced to three years, he provided a mountain of information to investigators and to a House committee, implicating the president. HE may be the only felon not pardoned by Trump.
And will Trump make a special case for George Papadopoulos, who only served 12 days in jail, then filed to run for a congressional seat in California?
It is expected that Trump will not pardon all at once, spacing the pardons for maximum political effect. Some of the men may hold prominent positions in Trump's re-election campaign.


thespoof--2020-02-06--President Trump Acquitted By The Senate: He Quickly Tweets Out, “I Told All of You Doubting Losers T

President Trump Acquitted By The Senate: He Quickly Tweets Out, “I Told All of You Doubting Losers That It Was All Just A Dumbass Friggin’ Witch Hunt!”

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Donald Johnny Trump , 73 , ( and tipping the weight scales at 273 ) has just become the luckiest president in the history of American presidents .
Maximus Bedstraw with The Grandiose News Organization stated , “ Every Republican senator , in his heart of hearts , knows that 'Old Little Fingers ' is as guilty as hell .
But only one GOP member , Mitt Romney had the cojones to cast his vote against him in the ‘ Arrogantly Blatant Abuse of Power Amendment.
’ ” Bedstraw went on to say that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ GOP leaders are all totally afraid of the orange bully that Robert De Niro calls “ El Teensy Weenie.
” De Niro said that he would love to get into a charity wrestling match with `` ComradeTrumpski '' so that he could body slam his lard ass so hard that his atrociously horrendous orange hair would turn shocking pink .
Meanwhile over on the Left Coast , Chrissy Teigen allegedly said that “ Old Grab ‘ em By The-You-Know-What ” had better never , ever try grabbing a Democratic woman like that because @ @ @ @ @ @ @ high heel smack dab in the middle of his “ Little Bitty Colluder.
” IN CLOSING - Jennifer Lopez has just announced that her and Shakira have already been booked to perform at next year 's 2021 Super Bowl . )

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Donald Johnny Trump, 73, (and tipping the weight scales at 273) has just become the luckiest president in the history of American presidents.
Maximus Bedstraw with The Grandiose News Organization stated, “Every Republican senator, in his heart of hearts, knows that 'Old Little Fingers' is as guilty as hell. But only one GOP member, Mitt Romney had the cojones to cast his vote against him in the ‘Arrogantly Blatant Abuse of Power Amendment.’”
Bedstraw went on to say that the fact of the matter is that the GOP leaders are all totally afraid of the orange bully that Robert De Niro calls “El Teensy Weenie.”
De Niro said that he would love to get into a charity wrestling match with "ComradeTrumpski" so that he could body slam his lard ass so hard that his atrociously horrendous orange hair would turn shocking pink.
Meanwhile over on the Left Coast, Chrissy Teigen allegedly said that “Old Grab ‘em By The-You-Know-What” had better never, ever try grabbing a Democratic woman like that because the nasty mouthed vulgarian will get a high heel smack dab in the middle of his “Little Bitty Colluder.”
IN CLOSING - Jennifer Lopez has just announced that her and Shakira have already been booked to perform at next year's 2021 Super Bowl.)


thespoof--2020-02-06--Trump Impeachment Trial Renews Americans' Faith in Kangaroo Courts

Following the Senate decision to disallow witnesses at the impeachment trial of United States President Donald Trump , and to acquit Trump of the charges of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress , polls show a renewed American confidence in kangaroo courts .
“ I ’ ve always loved kangaroos - ever since I read Winnie the Pooh , ” said Marsha Haley of New York City .
“ I ’ m so pleased the U.S. finally got one.
” Gerald Freeman of Missoula , Montana , agreed .
“ It ’ s reassuring when the political system functions @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he said .
“ I mean , when you think about it , why should there ever be witnesses at any trials ?
You know all those people arrested were doing something wrong .
We don ’ t need to hear them on the stand lying about it.
” He added , hastily , “ Not that President Trump did anything wrong .
The Senate proved that.
” Some senators , however , objected to the characterization of the Senate proceedings as a “ kangaroo court , ” defined as a court that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ disregards the court ’ s legal and ethical obligations .
Senator Lamar Alexander of Tennessee , who voted to reject a motion to allow new witnesses to testify regarding whether Trump , as alleged , delayed military aid to Ukraine in exchange for Ukraine ’ s promise to investigate his political rival Joe Biden , pointed out , “ This isn ’ t Australia.
” In the wake of Trump ’ s acquittal , Americans say that their faith in the lack of integrity of the judicial system is stronger than ever – @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who ’ d been feeling too good about the state of the nation .
Stephanie Pollock of Newark , New Jersey , who suffers from bipolar disorder , said , “ I ’ d been flying a little too high lately .
I needed this injection of despair.
” Most heartened at all , however , is President Trump himself .
“ Who doesn ’ t love a good kangaroo court ?
” he said .
“ Let the bread and circuses continue !
”

Following the Senate decision to disallow witnesses at the impeachment trial of United States President Donald Trump, and to acquit Trump of the charges of abuse of power and obstruction of Congress, polls show a renewed American confidence in kangaroo courts.
“I’ve always loved kangaroos - ever since I read Winnie the Pooh,” said Marsha Haley of New York City. “I’m so pleased the U.S. finally got one.”
Gerald Freeman of Missoula, Montana, agreed. “It’s reassuring when the political system functions precisely and honorably as expected,” he said. “I mean, when you think about it, why should there ever be witnesses at any trials? You know all those people arrested were doing something wrong. We don’t need to hear them on the stand lying about it.”
He added, hastily, “Not that President Trump did anything wrong. The Senate proved that.”
Some senators, however, objected to the characterization of the Senate proceedings as a “kangaroo court,” defined as a court that ignores recognized standards of law and intentionally disregards the court’s legal and ethical obligations. Senator Lamar Alexander of Tennessee, who voted to reject a motion to allow new witnesses to testify regarding whether Trump, as alleged, delayed military aid to Ukraine in exchange for Ukraine’s promise to investigate his political rival Joe Biden, pointed out, “This isn’t Australia.”
In the wake of Trump’s acquittal, Americans say that their faith in the lack of integrity of the judicial system is stronger than ever – which comes as a relief to some who’d been feeling too good about the state of the nation. Stephanie Pollock of Newark, New Jersey, who suffers from bipolar disorder, said, “I’d been flying a little too high lately. I needed this injection of despair.”
Most heartened at all, however, is President Trump himself. “Who doesn’t love a good kangaroo court?” he said. “Let the bread and circuses continue!”


thespoof--2020-02-06--Religious Republicans Chide Romney for Bringing Conscience into Politics

`` Does n't he know we have separation of church and state in this country ? ''
was the reaction of many religious Republicans , outraged by Republican Senator Mitt Romney 's jarring act of voting with his conscience to convict United States President Donald Trump of the crime of abuse of power at the president 's impeachment trial .
`` I heard he even prayed for guidance on what to do , '' said Miranda Hill of Kansas City , Missouri .
`` Which would n't be so bad in and of itself , but then he went and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ far from alone in her censure of Romney 's conduct .
`` He let his religious morals influence his behavior , '' said Kenneth Stockwell , a Catholic living in Boston , Massachusetts .
`` That 's so wrong . ''
Referring to Romney 's affiliation with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints , he noted , `` Mormons can be extreme that way . ''
Lucas Reilly , of Nashville , Tennessee , explained that as a `` regular Christian , `` his own loyalties never once swayed from the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ decision to act in accordance with his fundamental sense of right and wrong as incredibly divisive - to both the Republican Party and Christianity itself .
`` Think about what would happen if we all just did what we really , deep-down , thought was right , rather than go along with our political party , '' he said .
`` It would be pandemonium . ''
Kip Harris , a self-described `` heathen '' living in New York City , was likewise troubled by Romney 's decision not to toe the Republican @ @ @ @ @ @ @ convict Trump - albeit for very different reasons .
`` I admit , I get a kick out of poking fun at religious people for being hypocrites and nuts , '' he said .
`` Romney took a little bit of the wind out of my sails . ''
He added , `` He 's still nuts , though .
The latter holds true . ''
He chuckled .
`` Mormon joke - get it ? ''

"Doesn't he know we have separation of church and state in this country?" was the reaction of many religious Republicans, outraged by Republican Senator Mitt Romney's jarring act of voting with his conscience to convict United States President Donald Trump of the crime of abuse of power at the president's impeachment trial.
"I heard he even prayed for guidance on what to do," said Miranda Hill of Kansas City, Missouri. "Which wouldn't be so bad in and of itself, but then he went and actually did it!"
Hill was far from alone in her censure of Romney's conduct. "He let his religious morals influence his behavior," said Kenneth Stockwell, a Catholic living in Boston, Massachusetts. "That's so wrong." Referring to Romney's affiliation with The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, he noted, "Mormons can be extreme that way."
Lucas Reilly, of Nashville, Tennessee, explained that as a "regular Christian, "his own loyalties never once swayed from the Commander-in-Chief. And he described Romney's decision to act in accordance with his fundamental sense of right and wrong as incredibly divisive - to both the Republican Party and Christianity itself. "Think about what would happen if we all just did what we really, deep-down, thought was right, rather than go along with our political party," he said. "It would be pandemonium."
Kip Harris, a self-described "heathen" living in New York City, was likewise troubled by Romney's decision not to toe the Republican party line, and to vote to convict Trump - albeit for very different reasons. "I admit, I get a kick out of poking fun at religious people for being hypocrites and nuts," he said. "Romney took a little bit of the wind out of my sails."
He added, "He's still nuts, though. The latter holds true." He chuckled. "Mormon joke - get it?"


thespoof--2020-02-07--Feds Charge Symbicort's COPD Wolf with Misleading Advertising

Washington , D.C. - Attorneys for the Federal Food and Drug Administration today ordered Symbicort to cease and desist its @ @ @ @ @ a huffing and puffing , COPD-afflicted wolf unable to blow down the little pig 's @ @ @ @ @ their product .
The case arose after complaints from a wolf who tried Symbicort for @ @ @ @ @ dislodge one brick .
He also filed a related anti-discrimination complaint with the Justice Department @ @ @ @ @ depicted in a demeaning manor in the commercial .
The wolf in the commercial said @ @ @ @ @ he was paid for , and he did n't think the cartoon-like ad should be @ @ @ @ @ or pigs .
Makers of Symbicort do not comment on pending legal action .
Meanwhile @ @ @ @ @ by the ad .
has overridden the FDA , and has ordered the courts to @ @ @ @ @ run .

Washington, D.C. - Attorneys for the Federal Food and Drug Administration today ordered Symbicort to cease and desist its misleading television ad that portrays a huffing and puffing, COPD-afflicted wolf unable to blow down the little pig's brick home unless he tries their product.
The case arose after complaints from a wolf who tried Symbicort for a month but failed to dislodge one brick. He also filed a related anti-discrimination complaint with the Justice Department. alleging that wolves are depicted in a demeaning manor in the commercial.
The wolf in the commercial said he was only doing what he was paid for, and he didn't think the cartoon-like ad should be interpreted as offensive to wolves or pigs.
Makers of Symbicort do not comment on pending legal action. Meanwhile, the president, amused by the ad. has overridden the FDA, and has ordered the courts to let the commercials continue to run.


thespoof--2020-02-07--Nancy Pelosi arrested for criminal damage

Speaker of the House of Representatives , Nancy Pelosi , was taken into police custody for criminal damage yesterday , after it was revealed that she had systematically torn up a copy of President Trump 's State of the Union speech .
The elderly felon , who recently tried to have Trump thrown out of office for asking the leader of Ukraine for a favour , is said to have planned the heinous crime in advance by making test tears on the edges of the document , which she then violently ripped during the address to the nation .
Viewers @ @ @ @ @ @ @ expression on Pelosi ’ s face , described by some as “ a sickening grin ” and by others as “ a snarl ” .
President Trump , who is widely known for his timid personality , was shocked at finding out that his speech had been torn up .
“ I ’ ve tried to reach out to Nancy ” , he said , adding , wiping a tear from his eye , “ but I think she hates me .
I wish it weren ’ t so.
” Political commentators on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s colleagues have used expletive-laden words to describe the President .
“ Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib has called him a ‘ motherfucker ’ ” , said anchorwoman Martha MacCallum .
Meanwhile , Pelosi has reportedly hired ambulance-chasing attorney Alan Dershowitz to represent her in court .
Dershowitz , a Harvard professor , who is well known for agreeing to argue anything that helps get his client off , claims that the founding fathers must have intended that politicians must be above the law ( unless he is prosecuting them ) .

Speaker of the House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, was taken into police custody for criminal damage yesterday, after it was revealed that she had systematically torn up a copy of President Trump's State of the Union speech.
The elderly felon, who recently tried to have Trump thrown out of office for asking the leader of Ukraine for a favour, is said to have planned the heinous crime in advance by making test tears on the edges of the document, which she then violently ripped during the address to the nation. Viewers watching the event were shocked by the expression on Pelosi’s face, described by some as “a sickening grin” and by others as “a snarl”.
President Trump, who is widely known for his timid personality, was shocked at finding out that his speech had been torn up. “I’ve tried to reach out to Nancy”, he said, adding, wiping a tear from his eye, “but I think she hates me. I wish it weren’t so.”
Political commentators on Fox News revealed that some of Pelosi’s colleagues have used expletive-laden words to describe the President. “Congresswoman Rashida Tlaib has called him a ‘motherfucker’”, said anchorwoman Martha MacCallum.
Meanwhile, Pelosi has reportedly hired ambulance-chasing attorney Alan Dershowitz to represent her in court. Dershowitz, a Harvard professor, who is well known for agreeing to argue anything that helps get his client off, claims that the founding fathers must have intended that politicians must be above the law (unless he is prosecuting them).


thespoof--2020-02-07--President Trump Pays Tribute To Black History Month

WASHINGTON , D. C. – President Donald Trump stepped out onto the White House south lawn wearing a LeBron James NBA Jersey and shorts .
He told the assembled White House press reporters , including Wydell Willie Washington with The Harlem Yo Bro Press that he had declared February as Black History Month .
He stated that he was going to try his level best to not attack Colin “ Knee-Pads ” Kaepernick , Don “ Rainbow ” Lemon , or LaQuantina “ Say What ?
” Franklin .
He said that being the perfect , non-colluding gentleman that he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ attacks for 24 hours .
The Harlem Yo Bro Press reporter asked him who LaQuantina Franklin was ?
The president turned a lot more orange , and said , “ Look , loser , how dare you come onto my plantation , I mean the White House , and try to embarrass Donald Trump , the most perfectest truth-telling president ever.
” The president remarked that he would be having Mr. Franklin fined $ 800 and removed from the White House property .
Then , Trump , who Robert De Niro refers to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said “ Truth be told , I have always enjoyed black music by such popular black artists as The Temptations , Bruno Martian , Men and Boys To Boys and Men , MC Hammerhead , and Led Zeppelin . ''

WASHINGTON, D. C. – President Donald Trump stepped out onto the White House south lawn wearing a LeBron James NBA Jersey and shorts. He told the assembled White House press reporters, including Wydell Willie Washington with The Harlem Yo Bro Press that he had declared February as Black History Month.
He stated that he was going to try his level best to not attack Colin “Knee-Pads” Kaepernick, Don “Rainbow” Lemon, or LaQuantina “Say What?” Franklin. He said that being the perfect, non-colluding gentleman that he is he would put off any personal attacks for 24 hours.
The Harlem Yo Bro Press reporter asked him who LaQuantina Franklin was? The president turned a lot more orange, and said, “Look, loser, how dare you come onto my plantation, I mean the White House, and try to embarrass Donald Trump, the most perfectest truth-telling president ever.”
The president remarked that he would be having Mr. Franklin fined $800 and removed from the White House property. Then, Trump, who Robert De Niro refers to as “Little Peter Tweeter”, said “Truth be told, I have always enjoyed black music by such popular black artists as The Temptations, Bruno Martian, Men and Boys To Boys and Men, MC Hammerhead, and Led Zeppelin."
(IN CLOSING – After the ceremony, Trump turned to LeBron and told him that his 6-foot 4-inch-tall son, Barron Willie Trump, had recently renamed his pet woodchuck LeBron in his honor. The superstar grabbed Trump by his hair and remarked quite angrily "Change the name, mofo, or I'll dribble your fat orange lard ass down Pennsylvania Avenue till the friggin' sun sets.")


thespoof--2020-02-07--Nashville Man Fumbles Life

Nashville Man Fumbles Life

`` I 've never been much of an athlete , so it 's not too much of a surprise , '' said Web Stephens of his fumbling of the game of life .
`` We ca n't all be the star quarterback , I guess . ''
As he explained it , Stephens began his life with high hopes , and some family oddsmakers even favored him to win .
However , after a surge of gains in his early youth , Stephens began losing yardage in middle school , culminating in a disappointingly lackluster high school season .
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ period , '' said Stephens .
`` Here and there , I managed a field goal , like getting into state college .
But all told , my record was not impressive . ''
Stephens 's losing seasons continued for the duration of his college years and beyond , until finally , at the age of 34 , he was forced to face the fact that his life to that point had been a total fumble .
Nevertheless , all is not yet lost for this lovable underdog .
Stephens has almost finished @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on time management , which he predicts will hit home with millennials and produce the life-winning touchdown that has thus far eluded him .
`` I 'm so close , '' he said .
`` Now it 's just a question of not dropping the ball at the one-yard line . ''
With a steely resolve to his jaw , he pledged , `` I 'm just keeping my eye on the prize .
I know victory will be mine . ''

"I've never been much of an athlete, so it's not too much of a surprise," said Web Stephens of his fumbling of the game of life. "We can't all be the star quarterback, I guess."
As he explained it, Stephens began his life with high hopes, and some family oddsmakers even favored him to win. However, after a surge of gains in his early youth, Stephens began losing yardage in middle school, culminating in a disappointingly lackluster high school season.
"There were a lot turnovers during that period," said Stephens. "Here and there, I managed a field goal, like getting into state college. But all told, my record was not impressive."
Stephens's losing seasons continued for the duration of his college years and beyond, until finally, at the age of 34, he was forced to face the fact that his life to that point had been a total fumble.
Nevertheless, all is not yet lost for this lovable underdog. Stephens has almost finished writing a screenplay for a feature-length documentary on time management, which he predicts will hit home with millennials and produce the life-winning touchdown that has thus far eluded him.
"I'm so close," he said. "Now it's just a question of not dropping the ball at the one-yard line." With a steely resolve to his jaw, he pledged, "I'm just keeping my eye on the prize. I know victory will be mine."


thespoof--2020-02-07--Mitt Romney’s house TPd in retribution for impeachment vote

Utah senator Mitt Romney told reporters of his horror at discovering that his house had been covered in rolls of toilet paper .
The phenomenon , known as “ TPing ” , is often associated with college pranks , and it is unusual for it to happen to a United States Senator .
Suspicions have automatically fallen on Republican colleagues in the Senate , who had expressed anger at Romney ’ s decision to break ranks and vote with Democrats for the removal of President Trump , following Trump 's attempt to coerce the government of Ukraine to investigate Democrat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ by withholding military aid from the country .
An insider source has reported that police are speaking to House Leader Mitch McConnell after a neighbour saw him unloading a hundred packets of Charmin Ultra Strong from the back of his SUV .
The manufacturers proudly boast that their product is `` 4 times stronger than the leading bargain brand , thanks to its 2-ply toilet paper design , and lasts much longer '' .
The source said that these are exactly the qualities one looks for in a toilet paper intended to TP @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the politician from Kentucky and Senate Majority Leader insisted that he had purchased the large quantity of toilet paper as a precautionary measure in advance of a Mexican-themed party he was throwing .
“ Everyone knows that the Senator from Kentucky and his wife love their salsa extra hot .
”

Utah senator Mitt Romney told reporters of his horror at discovering that his house had been covered in rolls of toilet paper. The phenomenon, known as “TPing”, is often associated with college pranks, and it is unusual for it to happen to a United States Senator.
Suspicions have automatically fallen on Republican colleagues in the Senate, who had expressed anger at Romney’s decision to break ranks and vote with Democrats for the removal of President Trump, following Trump's attempt to coerce the government of Ukraine to investigate Democrat politician Joe Biden and his son, by withholding military aid from the country.
An insider source has reported that police are speaking to House Leader Mitch McConnell after a neighbour saw him unloading a hundred packets of Charmin Ultra Strong from the back of his SUV. The manufacturers proudly boast that their product is "4 times stronger than the leading bargain brand, thanks to its 2-ply toilet paper design, and lasts much longer". The source said that these are exactly the qualities one looks for in a toilet paper intended to TP someone’s house.
However, the politician from Kentucky and Senate Majority Leader insisted that he had purchased the large quantity of toilet paper as a precautionary measure in advance of a Mexican-themed party he was throwing.
A neighbour said:
“Everyone knows that the Senator from Kentucky and his wife love their salsa extra hot.”


thespoof--2020-02-07--No Matter Who Americans Vote For President They Will Be Screwed

According to the major Gallup poll , Giddyup , most Americans feel they will be screwed , regardless of who wins the presidency .
The results are as follows : 65 percent of Americans believe the country will be screwed , regardless of who is president , which pertains to both the Democrats and Republicans .
5 percent claimed the president will be a good leader .
10 percent thought the presidential candidates were all contestants on the show America ’ s Got Talent .
20 percent just wanted to be left alone while they were watching Jeopardy .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' lamented political pundit Larry B. Cognoscenti .
“ People just have no confidence in any of the candidates , and I don ’ t blame them . ''
Elizabeth Warren has promised people a lot of free stuff that will be paid for by the rich .
She has especially made having free sex with sex workers a high priority in getting the male vote .
“ Every red-blooded male… or is that every yellow-blooded male ?
Well… anyway , they will have free access to sexual therapy with a sex worker.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ because the sex workers will be paid in government-backed itcoin , which will be way better than bitcoin . ''
Bernie Sanders who looks like a raving B-movie mad scientist with his hair on fire , has offered to do away with US currency , and replace it with sand dollars .
He also mentioned that all colleges and universities will add a mandatory freshman course called “ Fuck You , Rich People !
” to their curriculum .
Pete Buttigieg really doesn ’ t have any platform at all .
He just @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Joe Biden , on the other hand , just wants people at his rallies to remind him that his name is Joe Biden .
And then there is Donald Trump , who has the most feasible and honest platform .
He wants to build a Trump Tower on the Moon , and develop an elevator between it and the Earth .
As of press time , ex-candidate , Cory Booker , was trying to figure out why the house voted to give Donald Trump an I ’ m peach-ment for his three-year @ @ @ @

According to the major Gallup poll, Giddyup, most Americans feel they will be screwed, regardless of who wins the presidency. The results are as follows:
65 percent of Americans believe the country will be screwed, regardless of who is president, which pertains to both the Democrats and Republicans.
5 percent claimed the president will be a good leader.
10 percent thought the presidential candidates were all contestants on the show America’s Got Talent.
20 percent just wanted to be left alone while they were watching Jeopardy.
“This is bad news all round," lamented political pundit Larry B. Cognoscenti. “People just have no confidence in any of the candidates, and I don’t blame them."
Elizabeth Warren has promised people a lot of free stuff that will be paid for by the rich. She has especially made having free sex with sex workers a high priority in getting the male vote.
“Every red-blooded male… or is that every yellow-blooded male? Well… anyway, they will have free access to sexual therapy with a sex worker.”
“Don’t lament, because the sex workers will be paid in government-backed itcoin, which will be way better than bitcoin."
Bernie Sanders who looks like a raving B-movie mad scientist with his hair on fire, has offered to do away with US currency, and replace it with sand dollars. He also mentioned that all colleges and universities will add a mandatory freshman course called “Fuck You, Rich People!” to their curriculum.
Pete Buttigieg really doesn’t have any platform at all. He just likes to see his face on television.
Joe Biden, on the other hand, just wants people at his rallies to remind him that his name is Joe Biden.
And then there is Donald Trump, who has the most feasible and honest platform. He wants to build a Trump Tower on the Moon, and develop an elevator between it and the Earth.
As of press time, ex-candidate, Cory Booker, was trying to figure out why the house voted to give Donald Trump an I’m peach-ment for his three-year anniversary as president.


thespoof--2020-02-09--President Trump Says Coronavirus Should Have Been 'Nipped In The Bud' By Nuking China

President Donald Trump has spoken out about the spread of the deadly Coronavirus , and says that he , personally , could have ended the worldwide threat of a pandemic , if only he 'd have been allowed to initiate an all-out nuclear strike on China , instead of having to concern himself with a pointless impeachment trial .
The virus , which has now claimed the lives of more than 800 people within China , could have been stopped in its tracks , says Trump , by utilizing America 's nuclear weaponry to its fullest extent , and blasting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 160 centers of population with 1,000,000 or more residents , and with US missiles locked-on to them whilst the Chinese authorities are battling to keep the Coronavirus outbreak under control , it 's very likely that the missiles would have found their targets without Beijing having time to respond .
President Trump , himself , thinks that the Coronavirus is something the Chinese have been developing as part of a germ warfare program , but which 'got out of hand ' .
Mistakes were made , and it escaped the lab .
Now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of a pandemic .
He tweeted from the White House , last night : '' They woulda used that virus on us , so I think we should help them eradicate it . ''
The Big , Red Button watched , and said nothing .

President Donald Trump has spoken out about the spread of the deadly Coronavirus, and says that he, personally, could have ended the worldwide threat of a pandemic, if only he'd have been allowed to initiate an all-out nuclear strike on China, instead of having to concern himself with a pointless impeachment trial.
The virus, which has now claimed the lives of more than 800 people within China, could have been stopped in its tracks, says Trump, by utilizing America's nuclear weaponry to its fullest extent, and blasting China into oblivion.
China has around 160 centers of population with 1,000,000 or more residents, and with US missiles locked-on to them whilst the Chinese authorities are battling to keep the Coronavirus outbreak under control, it's very likely that the missiles would have found their targets without Beijing having time to respond.
President Trump, himself, thinks that the Coronavirus is something the Chinese have been developing as part of a germ warfare program, but which 'got out of hand'. Mistakes were made, and it escaped the lab.
Now, the world is on the verge of a pandemic.
He tweeted from the White House, last night:
"They woulda used that virus on us, so I think we should help them eradicate it."
The Big, Red Button watched, and said nothing.


thespoof--2020-02-09--Insight Nowhere in Sight for Nashville Meditator

`` People are always telling me that the end is insight , '' said longtime Buddhist practitioner , Andrew Miller , of Nashville , Tennessee .
`` But I 've been meditating for years , and I 'm still clueless .
Insight is nowhere in sight for me ! ''
Miller explained that he first began exploring Buddhist meditation as a means of dealing with anxiety .
`` They kept talking about insight , though , '' he said .
`` So I got on the bandwagon . ''
According to Miller , however , his daily meditation practice of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and another 30 minutes in the evening , has n't yielded any particular wisdom .
`` And I still make really dumb decisions , '' he said .
`` I 'm kind of an idiot . ''
He laughed and added , `` i am more relaxed , though , so that 's something . ''
Miller 's meditation teacher , Lisa Field , was more encouraging about his prospects , stating that she is confident that , despite his bouts of unmitigated stupidity , Miller is on the right path - if @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a less severe level of immaturity .
`` He 's doing great , '' she said .
`` The first step toward insight is what we call beginner 's mind or 'do n't know ' mind .
He 's got that part down .
So there 's nowhere for him to go but up . ''

"People are always telling me that the end is insight," said longtime Buddhist practitioner, Andrew Miller, of Nashville, Tennessee. "But I've been meditating for years, and I'm still clueless. Insight is nowhere in sight for me!"
Miller explained that he first began exploring Buddhist meditation as a means of dealing with anxiety. "They kept talking about insight, though," he said. "So I got on the bandwagon."
According to Miller, however, his daily meditation practice of sitting for 30 minutes in the morning and another 30 minutes in the evening, hasn't yielded any particular wisdom. "And I still make really dumb decisions," he said. "I'm kind of an idiot."
He laughed and added, "i am more relaxed, though, so that's something."
Miller's meditation teacher, Lisa Field, was more encouraging about his prospects, stating that she is confident that, despite his bouts of unmitigated stupidity, Miller is on the right path - if not to full enlightenment, hopefully to a less severe level of immaturity.
"He's doing great," she said. "The first step toward insight is what we call beginner's mind or 'don't know' mind. He's got that part down. So there's nowhere for him to go but up."


thespoof--2020-02-09--Donald Trump Says He Has Just Ordered The Treasury Department To Print Up A New U.S. Dollar Bill Wit

Donald Trump Says He Has Just Ordered The Treasury Department To Print Up A New U.S. Dollar Bill With His Likeness

BALTIMORE – The Baltimore Beacon-Star Newspaper is reporting that President Donald Trump has told his staff members that he is doing a fantastic presidential job .
An inside source reported that everyone in the room , a total of 17 ass-kissers , ahh people , totally agreed with the “ Orange Blimp ” as Nancy Pelosi has nicknamed him .
He then surprised everyone there by saying that he was going to be making a call to the Treasury Department and instructing them to begin printing a new $ 3 bill with his face on it .
Right away , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clap and cheer , and said , “ Sir , that is an excellent idea , and a very well-deserved honor for you , my lord , I mean for you , my perfect president.
” Trump grinned like the cat that swallowed the orange possum , and replied , “ Yes , I know that it is one of the most perfect decisions that I have made in my three years of office .
And this one might just get me the Pulitzer Prize . ''
[ IN CLOSING – President Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Paganelli says that POTUS is supposed to wear Depends Diapers , but said that they don ’ t make them in Circus Tent Size . ]

BALTIMORE – The Baltimore Beacon-Star Newspaper is reporting that President Donald Trump has told his staff members that he is doing a fantastic presidential job.
An inside source reported that everyone in the room, a total of 17 ass-kissers, ahh people, totally agreed with the “Orange Blimp” as Nancy Pelosi has nicknamed him.
He then surprised everyone there by saying that he was going to be making a call to the Treasury Department and instructing them to begin printing a new $3 bill with his face on it.
Right away, Mike Pompeo stood up, began to clap and cheer, and said, “Sir, that is an excellent idea, and a very well-deserved honor for you, my lord, I mean for you, my perfect president.”
Trump grinned like the cat that swallowed the orange possum, and replied, “Yes, I know that it is one of the most perfect decisions that I have made in my three years of office. And this one might just get me the Pulitzer Prize."
[IN CLOSING – President Trump’s White House urologist Dr. Cletus Paganelli says that POTUS is supposed to wear Depends Diapers, but said that they don’t make them in Circus Tent Size.]


thespoof--2020-02-08--President Trump Impersonator Arrested

President Trump Impersonator Arrested

A man accused of attempting to impersonate the US president , Donald Trump , has been arrested by police in Washington , DC .
The man , whose true identity has not yet been established , was apprehended in the Safeway supermarket in Fairlington , where he was doing his weekly grocery shopping .
Seasoned security guards knew immediately this was not Mr. Trump , but customers were n't so sure .
`` I wanted some washing powder , but it was on the top shelf , and I could n't reach .
I asked an old man if he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ realized it was President Trump ! ''
`` He said , `` Yes , ma'am !
`` , and got it for me .
He was so polite , and did n't once grab me in the crotch ! ''
Another fooled by the doppelganger was Conchita Alvarez , who is Mexican .
She said : '' I was walking to the restroom , and I saw President Trump coming towards me , through the doors .
He held the door open for me , smiled and said `` ladies first , madam @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' Brenda Freeman was struggling to carry her five bags of groceries to her car , when she was approached by 'President Trump ' .
He insisted on taking the weight off her hands , and carried her bags all the way to her vehicle , telling her it was `` no problem '' .
`` He was such a gentleman .
I could n't believe my eyes !
Nothing like I expected President Trump to be , '' she said .
But Trump-haters were also fooled .
Ed Hammer said : '' @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump .
That 's why I spit on him . ''
Despite his selfless and helpful , kindly acts , the 'impostor ' was dragged away by store security officer Stephen Seagull , who thought it best to be on the safe side .
The man was later interviewed by FBI operatives , and is currently thought to be considering an offer of employment , once the original President Trump has been 'dealt with ' .

A man accused of attempting to impersonate the US president, Donald Trump, has been arrested by police in Washington, DC.
The man, whose true identity has not yet been established, was apprehended in the Safeway supermarket in Fairlington, where he was doing his weekly grocery shopping.
Seasoned security guards knew immediately this was not Mr. Trump, but customers weren't so sure.
One, Carol Perkin, said:
"I wanted some washing powder, but it was on the top shelf, and I couldn't reach. I asked an old man if he could help me, but then I realized it was President Trump!"
Or was it?
"He said, "Yes, ma'am!", and got it for me. He was so polite, and didn't once grab me in the crotch!"
Another fooled by the doppelganger was Conchita Alvarez, who is Mexican. She said:
"I was walking to the restroom, and I saw President Trump coming towards me, through the doors. He held the door open for me, smiled and said "ladies first, madam". I was so shocked!"
Brenda Freeman was struggling to carry her five bags of groceries to her car, when she was approached by 'President Trump'. He insisted on taking the weight off her hands, and carried her bags all the way to her vehicle, telling her it was "no problem".
"He was such a gentleman. I couldn't believe my eyes! Nothing like I expected President Trump to be," she said.
But Trump-haters were also fooled. Ed Hammer said:
"He was the spitting image of Donald Trump. That's why I spit on him."
Despite his selfless and helpful, kindly acts, the 'impostor' was dragged away by store security officer Stephen Seagull, who thought it best to be on the safe side.
The man was later interviewed by FBI operatives, and is currently thought to be considering an offer of employment, once the original President Trump has been 'dealt with'.


thespoof--2020-02-08--Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Are Both Thrilled That Queen Elizabeth Did Not Have Them Deported To

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle Are Both Thrilled That Queen Elizabeth Did Not Have Them Deported To Siberia

BAYOU CANE , Louisiana – Prince Harry and his wife , the lusciously-lovely Meghan Markle , were visiting the world famous Monsieur Qui Qui Swamp down in the heart of the swamp bayous , Bayou Cane this week .
She told Maximus Bedstraw , of The Grandiose News Organization , that she had heard that the swamp had alligators that were the size of adult hippos .
Pierre DuBalloon , 81 , who was their tour guide , said , “ Yeah dem gator bitches can bite ya real freakin ’ bad , ya hear ?
But not anywhere near @ @ @ @ @ @ @ o ' dem mofoing GOP spineless jellyfish senators , ya.
” Harry was asked if he had any bitterness or resentment towards the Queen .
He smiled , and replied , “ No , none at all , even though she did take away our royal tittles , our Old Porridge Six Pence Castle in Twickenham , and our son Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor ’ s Shetland pony . ''
Meghan then added , “ We are fine with all of the Royals , even with the Royal Court Jester , Felix The Funny @ @ @ @ @ @ @ breath , and said , “ But , to be perfectly honest , neither Harry nor I can stand that hideous bore Piers Morgan .
I mean , the man is a sarcastic braggart and an arrogant pain in my Royal rump.
” Harry then handed Meghan a tuna fish and jello sandwich , and remarked , “ I guess that the bottom line is that my gorgeously sensuous wife and I are just thrilled that the Queen did not have us deported to Siberia .
”

BAYOU CANE, Louisiana – Prince Harry and his wife, the lusciously-lovely Meghan Markle, were visiting the world famous Monsieur Qui Qui Swamp down in the heart of the swamp bayous, Bayou Cane this week.
She told Maximus Bedstraw, of The Grandiose News Organization, that she had heard that the swamp had alligators that were the size of adult hippos.
Pierre DuBalloon, 81, who was their tour guide, said, “Yeah dem gator bitches can bite ya real freakin’ bad, ya hear? But not anywhere near as bad as a bite from one o' dem mofoing GOP spineless jellyfish senators, ya.”
Harry was asked if he had any bitterness or resentment towards the Queen. He smiled, and replied, “No, none at all, even though she did take away our royal tittles, our Old Porridge Six Pence Castle in Twickenham, and our son Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor’s Shetland pony."
Meghan then added, “We are fine with all of the Royals, even with the Royal Court Jester, Felix The Funny Bloke.” She then took a deep breath, and said, “But, to be perfectly honest, neither Harry nor I can stand that hideous bore Piers Morgan. I mean, the man is a sarcastic braggart and an arrogant pain in my Royal rump.”
Harry then handed Meghan a tuna fish and jello sandwich, and remarked, “I guess that the bottom line is that my gorgeously sensuous wife and I are just thrilled that the Queen did not have us deported to Siberia.”
(IN CLOSING – President Trump is still furious with Mitt Romney for voting against him, and he is looking into having him deported to Ecuador, even though Romney hasn't ever been within 900 miles of Ecuador.)


thespoof--2020-02-08--Lt. Col. Vinman Enters Democratic Presidential Race

Outside the White House fence , Washington D. C. Woof Blister reporting for SOS - Spoof on the Spot .
@ @ @ @ @ held in full view of the Presidential section of the White House , but outside @ @ @ @ @ Alexander Vinman , the principal victim in Donald Trump 's Friday Night Massaacre , early @ @ @ @ @ candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination .
Las Vegas bookmakers immediately made him an overwhelming @ @ @ @ @ party 's pick , and 1-3 to beat the impeached president in November .
White @ @ @ @ @ him as the `` perfect '' candidate , alluding to his testimony exposing Trump 's @ @ @ @ @ as an attempt to extort a Biden investigation by the Ukraine president .

Outside the White House fence, Washington D. C. Woof Blister reporting for SOS - Spoof on the Spot. In an impromptu press conference held in full view of the Presidential section of the White House, but outside the fence, Lt. Col. Alexander Vinman, the principal victim in Donald Trump's Friday Night Massaacre, early this morning, announced his candidacy for the Democratic presidential nomination.
Las Vegas bookmakers immediately made him an overwhelming 1-5 favorite to be the party's pick, and 1-3 to beat the impeached president in November.
White House correspondents are referring to him as the "perfect" candidate, alluding to his testimony exposing Trump's "perfect" phone call as an attempt to extort a Biden investigation by the Ukraine president.


thespoof--2020-02-08--Shattered Man Finds Missing Inner Piece

Shattered Man Finds Missing Inner Piece

After his heart was shattered into a million tiny bits by a woman who did n't see their relationship going anywhere , Packey Havens of Nashville , Tennessee , scrambled to recoup all of his broken parts , and eventually succeeded in finding his last remaining inner piece .
`` It had gotten really far down there , into my innards , '' said Havens .
`` It 's kind of a miracle I managed to get it back . ''
According to Havens , the inner piece he was seeking was the one responsible for the overall sense of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Amanda Rivers , dumped him .
`` I pretty quickly managed to collect most of the other pieces , like my quick wit and fortitude , '' he said , `` but that one eluded me . ''
Hoping to find his lost `` positivity piece , '' Havens tried some time-tested means of self-discovery , like meditation and long-distance running , all to no avail .
Ultimately , the inner piece came out in the last place he 'd expected - the toilet .
`` Yeah , not the prettiest process @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I 'd noticed I 'd been a little stopped up .
Apparently , it had gotten caught up in a whole bunch of s*** .
Sometimes that 's just the way it goes .
You have to let nature take its course . ''
After cleaning and detoxifying the expelled positivity part , Havens carefully restored it to the area of his body where it 's best utilized : his mind .
And now , his last remaining inner piece intact , Havens says that he feels like a new man .
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for the best , '' he said .
`` Everything works itself out in the end . ''

After his heart was shattered into a million tiny bits by a woman who didn't see their relationship going anywhere, Packey Havens of Nashville, Tennessee, scrambled to recoup all of his broken parts, and eventually succeeded in finding his last remaining inner piece.
"It had gotten really far down there, into my innards," said Havens. "It's kind of a miracle I managed to get it back."
According to Havens, the inner piece he was seeking was the one responsible for the overall sense of optimism he'd lost when his ex, Amanda Rivers, dumped him. "I pretty quickly managed to collect most of the other pieces, like my quick wit and fortitude," he said, "but that one eluded me."
Hoping to find his lost "positivity piece," Havens tried some time-tested means of self-discovery, like meditation and long-distance running, all to no avail. Ultimately, the inner piece came out in the last place he'd expected - the toilet.
"Yeah, not the prettiest process," he' said. "I'd noticed I'd been a little stopped up. Apparently, it had gotten caught up in a whole bunch of s***. Sometimes that's just the way it goes. You have to let nature take its course."
After cleaning and detoxifying the expelled positivity part, Havens carefully restored it to the area of his body where it's best utilized: his mind. And now, his last remaining inner piece intact, Havens says that he feels like a new man.
"I see now that it was all for the best," he said. "Everything works itself out in the end."


thespoof--2020-02-08--Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren All Agree That If, Nominated, They’ll Each Pick Mitt

Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren All Agree That If, Nominated, They’ll Each Pick Mitt Romney To Be Their Secretary of State.

NEW YORK CITY – The iNews Agency is reporting that three of the top Democratic contenders are very impressed by Mitt Romney , whom `` The View ’ s '' Joy Behar said is the only Republican in Congress who has any balls .
She laughed and said that `` Comrade Mitch '' McConnell who is 78 , but looks 98 , needs to retire because he has become a mean , cruel , heartless lying appaloosa turd .
Meanwhile , Joy ’ s co-host , Whoopie Goldberg , said that Mitt Romney is a rare example of a Republican @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and a genuine concern for his fellow man .
Behar went on to say , `` Look , it 's really just simple math .
Democrats care about people , whereas GOPunks like Lindsey 'Sissygirl ' Graham , Devin 'No Nuts ' Nunez , and Jim 'The Hick Prick ' Jordan care about rich Republicans and ONLY Rich Republicans . ''
Kitty Segovia with iNews said that all of the Democratic frontrunners , including Pete Buttigieg , and Nancy Klobuchar have said that they will pick Mitt Romney to be their choice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that Mike “ The Keister Kisser ” Pompeo is simply pitiful , and he will never , ever be able to get that horrendous Trump smell out of his friggin ’ GOPathetic mouth .

NEW YORK CITY – The iNews Agency is reporting that three of the top Democratic contenders are very impressed by Mitt Romney, whom "The View’s" Joy Behar said is the only Republican in Congress who has any balls.
She laughed and said that "Comrade Mitch" McConnell who is 78, but looks 98, needs to retire because he has become a mean, cruel, heartless lying appaloosa turd.
Meanwhile, Joy’s co-host, Whoopie Goldberg, said that Mitt Romney is a rare example of a Republican who has sense, compassion, integrity, and a genuine concern for his fellow man.
Behar went on to say, "Look, it's really just simple math. Democrats care about people, whereas GOPunks like Lindsey 'Sissygirl' Graham, Devin 'No Nuts' Nunez, and Jim 'The Hick Prick' Jordan care about rich Republicans and ONLY Rich Republicans."
Kitty Segovia with iNews said that all of the Democratic frontrunners, including Pete Buttigieg, and Nancy Klobuchar have said that they will pick Mitt Romney to be their choice for Secretary of State.
Klobuchar said that Mike “The Keister Kisser” Pompeo is simply pitiful, and he will never, ever be able to get that horrendous Trump smell out of his friggin’ GOPathetic mouth.
(IN CLOSING - McDonalds has just announced that they will be introducing the brand new McTrump Burger. It will contain six slices of ham and a handful of Cheetos.)


thespoof--2020-02-10--Nashville Man Narrowly Avoids Authentic Conversation

After honing his meaningless banter to an optimal level of fluff , all his efforts at superficiality nearly went out the window , when Clint Hargrave of Nashville , Tennessee , was almost drawn into an authentic conversation at his workplace .
`` It was a close call , '' sad Hargrave , who , as he walked toward the company kitchen to grab a cuppa , fortunately spotted the pensive look on his colleague 's face and was able to do a fast 180 before being suckered into talking about something real .
`` Sometimes , coffee has to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his coworker Ken O'Dell had , on several occasions , attempted to talk to him about both of their actual lives .
`` One time , when I 'd already told him weekend was kickass , livin ' the dream , no rest for the wicked , he asked a follow-up question about my mother , who I 'd let slip was having knee replacement surgery , '' said Hargrave .
`` I mean , come on ! ''
He added , `` I 'm all for feeling your feelings , but do @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out all the time ? ''
Hargrave noted that , while he has been feeling a little glum in recent months following the death of his beloved dog - another personal detail he accidentally let slip to O'Dell in a weak moment - he sees no need to bring his sad self to the office .
`` Warrior self only ! ''
he said .
That being said , Hargrave does plan to check in with his coworker at some point over the next week or so .
`` Seemed like he might @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said Hargrave .
`` I 'll give it a few days to simmer down and then I 'll give him a shout-out .
It 's not like I do n't care .
I just do n't need to be dealing with anything too heavy . ''

After honing his meaningless banter to an optimal level of fluff, all his efforts at superficiality nearly went out the window, when Clint Hargrave of Nashville, Tennessee, was almost drawn into an authentic conversation at his workplace.
"It was a close call," sad Hargrave, who, as he walked toward the company kitchen to grab a cuppa, fortunately spotted the pensive look on his colleague's face and was able to do a fast 180 before being suckered into talking about something real. "Sometimes, coffee has to wait."
According to Hargrave, his coworker Ken O'Dell had, on several occasions, attempted to talk to him about both of their actual lives. "One time, when I'd already told him weekend was kickass, livin' the dream, no rest for the wicked, he asked a follow-up question about my mother, who I'd let slip was having knee replacement surgery," said Hargrave. "I mean, come on!"
He added, "I'm all for feeling your feelings, but do we have to let it all hang out all the time?"
Hargrave noted that, while he has been feeling a little glum in recent months following the death of his beloved dog - another personal detail he accidentally let slip to O'Dell in a weak moment - he sees no need to bring his sad self to the office. "Warrior self only!" he said.
That being said, Hargrave does plan to check in with his coworker at some point over the next week or so. "Seemed like he might have something on his mind," said Hargrave. "I'll give it a few days to simmer down and then I'll give him a shout-out. It's not like I don't care. I just don't need to be dealing with anything too heavy."


thespoof--2020-02-10--Trump Responds Bitterly To Claims That His Wall Is Destroying Sacred Indian Ground In Arizona

NOGALES , Arizona – President Trump was in Nogales to dedicate a memorial to Apollo Diddawinski , 84 , the man who single-handedly planted over 900,000 saguaro cactuses all over the state .
And he did it while driving in a Volkswagen Beetle .
The president was told by a reporter with The iNews Agency that members of Arizona ’ s proud Rickatricka Tribe are furious that the border wall construction workers are destroying sacred Indian ground .
Chief Horse Feathers stated that the workers have already destroyed a statue that had been put up back in 1927 , honoring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of Tee Pees .
The chief added that the workers have also totally destroyed the plaque commemorating the exact spot where Chief Cow-With-Three-Horns great-great-great grandmother , Caribou Nipples , was conceived over 140 years ago .
When Trump was asked to comment on the damage the wall construction company is doing , he smirked and said , “ Look , America was founded by the Quaker Oats pilgrims .
And those brave Amish folks battled hurricanes , fog , mosquitoes , and roving bands of teenage Mohawks , Iroquois , and Toyotas.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , impenetrable , unclimbable , undiggable , and unAmerican 61-foot wall is going up , and nobody , no effen body , not even the Norwegians , is going to stop it . ''
He went on to say , `` So I suggest that you all just pack up all of your belongings , including your pet buffaloes , and skidaddle out west to Oakland , home of the Oakland Warriors.
” [ IN CLOSING – President Trump is seriously considering moving the Independence Day holiday from July 4th to August 7th @ @

NOGALES, Arizona – President Trump was in Nogales to dedicate a memorial to Apollo Diddawinski, 84, the man who single-handedly planted over 900,000 saguaro cactuses all over the state. And he did it while driving in a Volkswagen Beetle.
The president was told by a reporter with The iNews Agency that members of Arizona’s proud Rickatricka Tribe are furious that the border wall construction workers are destroying sacred Indian ground.
Chief Horse Feathers stated that the workers have already destroyed a statue that had been put up back in 1927, honoring Sitting Hippo, the Sacred Indian God of Tee Pees.
The chief added that the workers have also totally destroyed the plaque commemorating the exact spot where Chief Cow-With-Three-Horns great-great-great grandmother, Caribou Nipples, was conceived over 140 years ago.
When Trump was asked to comment on the damage the wall construction company is doing, he smirked and said, “Look, America was founded by the Quaker Oats pilgrims. And those brave Amish folks battled hurricanes, fog, mosquitoes, and roving bands of teenage Mohawks, Iroquois, and Toyotas.”
He then added, “My beautiful, impenetrable, unclimbable, undiggable, and unAmerican 61-foot wall is going up, and nobody, no effen body, not even the Norwegians, is going to stop it."
He went on to say, "So I suggest that you all just pack up all of your belongings, including your pet buffaloes, and skidaddle out west to Oakland, home of the Oakland Warriors.”
[IN CLOSING – President Trump is seriously considering moving the Independence Day holiday from July 4th to August 7th.]


thespoof--2020-02-10--Fans of President Who Calls Opponents “Shit” and “Human Scum” Demand Decorum at Speech

Washington - Loyal followers of Donald Trump , who have approved of a four-year long shit show during which he @ @ @ @ @ , paid porn stars for their silence , and used hundreds of millions of dollars @ @ @ @ @ foreign companies , among other godly acts by their “ born again ” leader , @ @ @ @ @ laden with false claims and misrepresentations was ripped in half by Nancy Pelosi at the @ @ @ @ @ .
Worshippers of Trump at Fox News , GOP Congressmen and red-hatted MAGA cultists , @ @ @ @ @ lack of decorum displayed after the speech , and demanded that Pelosi be removed from @ @ @ @ @ , so their damaged sensibilities would suffer no further outrage .

Washington - Loyal followers of Donald Trump, who have approved of a four-year long shit show during which he gave profane names to opponents, paid porn stars for their silence, and used hundreds of millions of dollars of taxpayer funds to bribe foreign companies, among other godly acts by their “born again” leader, were offended when a speech laden with false claims and misrepresentations was ripped in half by Nancy Pelosi at the State of the Union address.
Worshippers of Trump at Fox News, GOP Congressmen and red-hatted MAGA cultists, all cried out at the lack of decorum displayed after the speech, and demanded that Pelosi be removed from her position as House Speaker, so their damaged sensibilities would suffer no further outrage.


thespoof--2020-02-11--"Heart-Healthy" Company Breakfast Spotlights Lowfat Yogurt

In addition to offering turkey bacon and bran muffins with margarine , the `` heart-healthy '' breakfast offered by Nashville law firm , Miles Best LLP , spotlighted lowfat yogurt .
`` Nonfat can make people feel deprived , which is not sustainable , '' said Human Resources Director and Wellness Committee Chair , Karen Hensley .
`` It 's about changing your overall lifestyle . ''
When it was pointed out to her that dairy and other animal products , like meat , have been linked to cancer , diabetes , and various autoimmune diseases , Hensley explained , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ health .
It 's not that we do n't care about those other things , but they might have to wait for another month . ''
Hensley went on to note that October is breast cancer awareness month , during which Miles Best always hosts a breast cancer barbecue .
Stirring a generous scoop of whole-grain 300-calorie-a-half-cup granola into her lowfat yogurt , she said , `` We do serve ice cream at that , but it 's optional . ''
Carrying her plate of heart-healthy food to the elevator bank , Hensley @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
`` It 's not easy staying healthy , '' she said .
`` We do our best to provide our employees the support that makes it possible . ''

In addition to offering turkey bacon and bran muffins with margarine, the "heart-healthy" breakfast offered by Nashville law firm, Miles Best LLP, spotlighted lowfat yogurt.
"Nonfat can make people feel deprived, which is not sustainable," said Human Resources Director and Wellness Committee Chair Karen Hensley. "It's about changing your overall lifestyle."
When it was pointed out to her that dairy and other animal products, like meat, have been linked to cancer, diabetes, and various autoimmune diseases, Hensley explained, "This breakfast today is about heart health. It's not that we don't care about those other things, but they might have to wait for another month."
Hensley went on to note that October is breast cancer awareness month, during which Miles Best always hosts a breast cancer barbecue. Stirring a generous scoop of whole-grain 300-calorie-a-half-cup granola into her lowfat yogurt, she said, "We do serve ice cream at that, but it's optional."
Carrying her plate of heart-healthy food to the elevator bank, Hensley pressed the button for one floor down. "It's not easy staying healthy," she said. "We do our best to provide our employees the support that makes it possible."


thespoof--2020-02-11--George Conway, The Husband of Trump’s Favorite Adviser Kellyanne Conway Reveals Some of Stumpy Trump

George Conway, The Husband of Trump’s Favorite Adviser Kellyanne Conway Reveals Some of Stumpy Trumpy’s Secrets

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The husband of President Trump ’ s top adviser and alleged girlfriend Kellyanne Conway , George Conway , probably hates `` Old Baby Fingers '' more than anyone else in the entire country , with the possible exception of the Golden State Warriors of the NBA .
George “ The Stud ” Conway , who is a conservative attorney , says that Trumpski makes Hitler look like a little baby bunny .
He added that the “ Orange Blimp ” is floating dangerously out of control , and even first lady Melania is starting to fear @ @ @ @ @ @ @ start giving her stupid-ass , childish nicknames like he does to everyone else .
Conway said that his wife has secretly recorded “ Comrade Trumpski ” on about 313 different occasions , and noted that , if just one secret recording got out , “ Fat Boy ” would quickly be joining his former personal lawyer , Michael “ The Scapegoat ” Cohen , in the Iron Bars Hotel ( prison ) .
Kellyanne ’ s hubby pointed out that POTUS and Sean “ Scrotum Face ” Hannity are a little bit friendlier @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should be .
When asked to elaborate , Conway grinned and said , “ Let 's just say that if the two GOPunks were females , they ’ d be Lesbionicas .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The husband of President Trump’s top adviser and alleged girlfriend Kellyanne Conway, George Conway, probably hates "Old Baby Fingers" more than anyone else in the entire country, with the possible exception of the Golden State Warriors of the NBA.
George “The Stud” Conway, who is a conservative attorney, says that Trumpski makes Hitler look like a little baby bunny. He added that the “Orange Blimp” is floating dangerously out of control, and even first lady Melania is starting to fear that “The Tweet Creep” may start giving her stupid-ass, childish nicknames like he does to everyone else.
Conway said that his wife has secretly recorded “Comrade
Trumpski” on about 313 different occasions, and noted that, if just one secret recording got out, “Fat Boy” would quickly be joining his former personal lawyer, Michael “The Scapegoat” Cohen, in the Iron Bars Hotel (prison).
Kellyanne’s hubby pointed out that POTUS and Sean “Scrotum Face” Hannity are a little bit friendlier than two fat, wrinkled old codgers should be. When asked to elaborate, Conway grinned and said, “Let's just say that if the two GOPunks were females, they’d be Lesbionicas.”
(IN CLOSING – The state of Rhode Island is planning on banning the use of drones because they are scaring the hell out of the state’s Rhode Island Reds chicken population.)


thespoof--2020-02-11--The Latest Poll Shows That Black Voters Are Sick and Tired of Donald Trump’s “Plantation Antics”

RANCHO CUCAMONGA , California – The Monumental Polling Council has just announced their latest poll regarding Donald Trump .
The @ @ @ @ @ clearly shows that the president ’ s popularity among Black voters has fallen for the @ @ @ @ @ show that 98.7 % of all Blacks living in the USA say they will not @ @ @ @ @ Orange Blob From Hell ” , as Nancy Pelosi calls the White House resident .
@ @ @ @ @ ’ Lil ’ RuShanTel , recently remarked at a rap concert in Beverly Hills , @ @ @ @ @ dare juss ain ’ t bees no friggin ways dat dis here bro be boatin @ @ @ @ @ lie-spewing , tangerine face lookin ’ mofo like old ‘ Plantation Don.
’ ” His @ @ @ @ @ Wings ” Frisco , 52 , added , “ Yeah , RuShanTel be right wiff @ @ @ @ @ Trump don ’ t be 's carren ‘ bout nobodies but his own cracker chump @ @ @ @ @ a ha .
”

RANCHO CUCAMONGA, California – The Monumental Polling Council has just announced their latest poll regarding Donald Trump.
The MPC has released information that clearly shows that the president’s popularity among Black voters has fallen for the 8th straight month.
Figures show that 98.7% of all Blacks living in the USA say they will not be voting for “The Orange Blob From Hell”, as Nancy Pelosi calls the White House resident.
Famed rap artist, Rappin’ Lil’ RuShanTel, recently remarked at a rap concert in Beverly Hills, “Hell y’all dare juss ain’t bees no friggin ways dat dis here bro be boatin’ fer a low-life, lie-spewing, tangerine face lookin’ mofo like old ‘Plantation Don.’”
His manager, LaTaFon “Buffalo Wings” Frisco, 52, added, “Yeah, RuShanTel be right wiff his words and all. Trump don’t be's carren ‘bout nobodies but his own cracker chump self, fa sho nuff a ha.”
(IN CLOSING - The survey showed that the 1.3% of Blacks who like Trump, either look White, are rich as hell, or hate moon pies, Grape Kool-Aid, and the NBA.)


thespoof--2020-02-11--Successful Self-Made Son of 2016 Popular Vote Runner-Up, Trump, Designates Mitt Romney as a "Loser"

Washington - Donald Trump Jr. , a well-known star entrepreneur and successful businessman in the Trump Organization , has designated Mitt Romney , the former candidate for president who voted for impeachment of the current president , as a `` loser '' .
Trump Jr. , who took several failing Trump enterprises and , one might assume , turned them around and made them successful businesses , also is a leading author , having sold a hundred thousand copies of a novel called `` Triggered '' , mostly to Trump companies and the Republican National Committee .
He also accomplished @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the only Trumps to be booed from a stage by right wingers , on his book tour .
He also recently returned from a trip to Mongolia , where he and an entourage bravely faced down and executed a rare sheep , armed with nothing but military grade weapons .
So when Trump Jr. criticizes Romney , who made a quarter billion dollars starting running a leading hedge fund , it 's obvious to all observers that we should listen to what he has to say , after his distinguished business career and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the fact that he 's the son of a man who lost the popular vote in 2016 to Hillary Clinton .

Washington - Donald Trump Jr., a well-known star entrepreneur and successful businessman in the Trump Organization, has designated Mitt Romney, the former candidate for president who voted for impeachment of the current president, as a "loser".
Trump Jr., who took several failing Trump enterprises and, one might assume, turned them around and made them successful businesses, also is a leading author, having sold a hundred thousand copies of a novel called "Triggered", mostly to Trump companies and the Republican National Committee. He also accomplished a first: he is one of the only Trumps to be booed from a stage by right wingers, on his book tour.
He also recently returned from a trip to Mongolia, where he and an entourage bravely faced down and executed a rare sheep, armed with nothing but military grade weapons.
So when Trump Jr. criticizes Romney, who made a quarter billion dollars starting running a leading hedge fund, it's obvious to all observers that we should listen to what he has to say, after his distinguished business career and accomplishments as a twitter troll, and the fact that he's the son of a man who lost the popular vote in 2016 to Hillary Clinton.


thespoof--2020-02-12--Joe “Go-Go”Biden Is Not Worried About Finishing 5th In The New Hampshire Primary

MANCHESTER , New Jersey – Joe Biden was relaxing in his hotel suite by shooting dice with some of his campaign workers and a couple of the hotel maids .
It was a somewhat somber mood as Biden got clobbered pretty bad by just about every other Democratic candidate .
A reporter with the Chicago Daily Wind asked if he was feeling depressed .
“ Hell no !
” he yelled , “ Fella you have to understand that I ’ ve been in politics most of my life , except for 2 years when I worked as a gynecologist.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ like they say in baseball , football , and bullfighting , you win some and you lose some .
The senator from Delaware took a bite out of his beef jerky and further commented , “ Look here bro .
You and I and everyone knows that it ’ s really no big deal .
I mean , think about it , New Hampshire is a little bitty state .
Hell , I ’ ve been to several ranches in Texas that could hold New Hampshire , Rhode Island and the Bronx without @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sip out of his Avocado Margarita and said that truth be told the real reason why he lost is because New Hampshire is as white as Nicole Kidman .
He went on and said , “ New Hampshire ’ s population is about 1.4 million .
And 91 % are Europeans.
” Biden belched and said that his base is made up of millions and millions of Latinos , Blacks , and Native Americans .
He explained that in the entire state of New Hampshire there are only 43 Hispanics , 19 Blacks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ right there amigo , is why I got my friggin ’ blue collar ass kicked big time .

MANCHESTER, New Jersey – Joe Biden was relaxing in his hotel suite by shooting dice with some of his campaign workers and a couple of the hotel maids.
It was a somewhat somber mood as Biden got clobbered pretty bad by just about every other Democratic candidate.
A reporter with the Chicago Daily Wind asked if he was feeling depressed. “Hell no!” he yelled, “Fella you have to understand that I’ve been in politics most of my life, except for 2 years when I worked as a gynecologist.”
He went on to say that like they say in baseball, football, and bullfighting, you win some and you lose some.
The senator from Delaware took a bite out of his beef jerky and further commented, “Look here bro. You and I and everyone knows that it’s really no big deal. I mean, think about it, New Hampshire is a little bitty state. Hell, I’ve been to several ranches in Texas that could hold New Hampshire, Rhode Island and the Bronx without any problem whatsoever.”
He took a sip out of his Avocado Margarita and said that truth be told the real reason why he lost is because New Hampshire is as white as Nicole Kidman. He went on and said, “New Hampshire’s population is about 1.4 million. And 91% are Europeans.”
Biden belched and said that his base is made up of millions and millions of Latinos, Blacks, and Native Americans.
He explained that in the entire state of New Hampshire there are only 43 Hispanics, 19 Blacks, and 7 Indians. So that right there amigo, is why I got my friggin’ blue collar ass kicked big time.
(IN CLOSING – Trump told a reporter for Fox News that the winner of the New Hampshire Primary, Bernie “The Stud” Sanders was not really born in the USA but in Tanganyika, Africa.)


thespoof--2020-02-12--Donald Trump Says That He Kicked Ass In The GOP New Hampshire Primary

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Donald Trump was smiling like the Shetland pony that ate the canary .
He had just won the New Hampshire Primary without ever setting foot in the Mushroom Pizza State .
He captured 91 % of the vote .
“ Hey losers !
” He yelled from the White House balcony .
“ I told you that I am the bestest , most strongest , and most smartest president in the history of effen presidents.
” “ El Pumpkin Head ” as Michelle Obama calls him , took a bite out of his Big Mac and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ damn good political politician that I am going to see about taking that loser Tommy Jefferson off the nickel and replacing him with my handsome as hell face.
” Trump was holding a golf club in one hand as he took another bite out of his Big Mac .
Melania was standing beside him wearing a pair of skinny jeans that looked like they had been painted on her and a “ Be Best ” blue halter top .
Trump moved toward her sensuously succulent mouth to give her a kiss and she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to whisper , “ Hey bozo get out of my face , you smell waaaaay too oniony .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump was smiling like the Shetland pony that ate the canary. He had just won the New Hampshire Primary without ever setting foot in the Mushroom Pizza State. He captured 91% of the vote.
“Hey losers!” He yelled from the White House balcony. “I told you that I am the bestest, most strongest, and most smartest president in the history of effen presidents.”
“El Pumpkin Head” as Michelle Obama calls him, took a bite out of his Big Mac and said, “I am such a damn good political politician that I am going to see about taking that loser Tommy Jefferson off the nickel and replacing him with my handsome as hell face.”
Trump was holding a golf club in one hand as he took another bite out of his Big Mac. Melania was standing beside him wearing a pair of skinny jeans that looked like they had been painted on her and a “Be Best” blue halter top.
Trump moved toward her sensuously succulent mouth to give her a kiss and she put up her hand and was heard to whisper, “Hey bozo get out of my face, you smell waaaaay too oniony.”
(IN CLOSING – A reporter for The Washington Globe-Express talked to Trump who commented. “Okay first let me say that there was no friggin collusion and secondly, now I’m off to Puerto Rico where I am 99.8% sure that I'll win that country’s Republican Primary.)


thespoof--2020-02-12--Bernie “The Stud” Sanders Wins The New Hampshire Democratic Primary

MANCHESTER , New Hampshire – The iNews Agency is reporting that Senator Bernie Sanders is the winner of the New Hampshire Democratic Primary .
Sanders who is 78 , was grinning from ear-to-ear as he remarked “ I just want to say that my victory tonight makes me so happy .
In fact , to be perfectly honest with you , I am as happy as a rooster with three pee-pees.
” Meanwhile , Elizabeth “ Pocahontas ” Warren was visibly upset .
She said that she wanted everyone to know that she totally blamed her loss on the fat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ House .
When Joe Biden was asked about his 5th place finish , he remarked , “ Look , man , I mean come on , bro .
It ain ’ t no friggin big deal , hell , when I was a young man , I used to do 2,000 push-ups in 15 minutes .
But I digress .
Now where was I ?
Oh yeah , I can still eat a triple meat cheeseburger in about 20 to 35 seconds.
” Pete Buttigieg , who is 38 , but looks 18 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if maybe it wasn ’ t such a good idea after all to campaign while wearing his Wonder Woman flip-flops .
Mayor Pete remarked that he is going to try to start to look more macho , and he will be hitting the campaign trail wearing a Lebron James basketball jersey along with an Indianapolis Colts football helmet .
Tulsi Gabbard , aka “ The Hawaiian Hula Dancer ” managed to only get a total of 29 votes .
She reportedly kicked a washing machine , and right away called up POTUS .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Democratic Party and wants to join the GOP .
Trump reportedly told her to come visit him at the White House , and he will personally help her fill out the needed paperwork .
Meanwhile , Amy Klobuchar , known as “ The Minnesota Mama ” , felt that she lost due to her Minnesota accent .
She told a campaign leader that she is going to hire a voice coach , and see if she can develop a Bronx accent .

MANCHESTER, New Hampshire – The iNews Agency is reporting that Senator Bernie Sanders is the winner of the New Hampshire Democratic Primary.
Sanders who is 78, was grinning from ear-to-ear as he remarked “I just want to say that my victory tonight makes me so happy. In fact, to be perfectly honest with you, I am as happy as a rooster with three pee-pees.”
Meanwhile, Elizabeth “Pocahontas” Warren was visibly upset. She said that she wanted everyone to know that she totally blamed her loss on the fat orange Divider-in-chief who lives in the White House.
When Joe Biden was asked about his 5th place finish, he remarked, “Look, man, I mean come on, bro. It ain’t no friggin big deal, hell, when I was a young man, I used to do 2,000 push-ups in 15 minutes. But I digress. Now where was I? Oh yeah, I can still eat a triple meat cheeseburger in about 20 to 35 seconds.”
Pete Buttigieg, who is 38, but looks 18, finished in second place and wondered if maybe it wasn’t such a good idea after all to campaign while wearing his Wonder Woman flip-flops.
Mayor Pete remarked that he is going to try to start to look more macho, and he will be hitting the campaign trail wearing a Lebron James basketball jersey along with an Indianapolis Colts football helmet.
Tulsi Gabbard, aka “The Hawaiian Hula Dancer” managed to only get a total of 29 votes. She reportedly kicked a washing machine, and right away called up POTUS.
She told Trump that she is leaving the Democratic Party and wants to join the GOP. Trump reportedly told her to come visit him at the White House, and he will personally help her fill out the needed paperwork.
Meanwhile, Amy Klobuchar, known as “The Minnesota Mama”, felt that she lost due to her Minnesota accent. She told a campaign leader that she is going to hire a voice coach, and see if she can develop a Bronx accent.
(IN CLOSING – Tom Steyer, The California billionaire, who only got 7 votes, reportedly mumbled to himself, “Well, that’s $47 million down the friggin’ drain.”)


thespoof--2020-02-12--Nashville Man Gets Square with Local Library

On a streak of getting clean from alcohol and prescription meds , and clearing out the wreckage of his past , Travis May of Nashville , Tennessee , began the arduous process of making amends .
He apologized to his aging mother for crashing her car when he was 18 , compensated his older brother for the eight months he 'd crashed at his place rent-free , and paid 12 years in back taxes to the IRS .
But there was one institution May could hardly bear to face : his local public library .
`` They 've always been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
`` And I took advantage of that , time and time again . ''
May explained that , even in the depths of his active addiction , he was always an avid reader - and a not-so-avid returner .
As a result , he 'd accumulated piles and piles of borrowed books .
The shame of his deception was so painful that , even in recovery , he scrambled to find some way around having to look his sweet neighborhood librarian in the eye .
`` I tried to convince my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ counted as paying back the library , '' he said .
`` You , know , since taxes help support the library .
Unfortunately , that did n't fly . ''
And , so , May summoned every ounce of courage he could find , and , with humility , presented himself at the East Nashville branch of the public library , toting bags of books and prepared to shell out hundreds or even thousands of dollars in overdue fines .
There , instead of the anticipated harsh words of recrimination , he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ They do n't even have overdue fees anymore , '' he said .
`` Apparently , they abolished them .
I 'm totally square . ''
May describes his encounter with the local public library as a profoundly spiritual experience , which not only gave him a new understanding of forgiveness , but will continue to influence the way he works his AA program .
`` I 've decided to make the library my Higher Power , '' he said .
`` They deserve it . ''

On a streak of getting clean from alcohol and prescription meds, and clearing out the wreckage of his past, Travis M. of Nashville, Tennessee, began the arduous process of making amends. He apologized to his aging mother for crashing her car when he was 18, compensated his older brother for the eight months he'd crashed at his place rent-free, and paid 12 years in back taxes to the IRS. But there was one institution Travis could hardly bear to face: his local public library.
"They've always been so nice to me," he said. "And I took advantage of that, time and time again."
Travis explained that, even in the depths of his active addiction, he was always an avid reader - and a not-so-avid returner. As a result, he'd accumulated piles and piles of borrowed books. The shame of his deception was so painful that, even in recovery, he scrambled to find some way around having to look his sweet neighborhood librarian in the eye.
"I tried to convince my AA sponsor that paying my back taxes counted as paying back the library," he said. "You, know, since taxes help support the library. Unfortunately, that didn't fly."
And, so, Travis summoned every ounce of courage he could find, and, with humility, presented himself at the East Nashville branch of the public library, toting bags of books and prepared to shell out hundreds or even thousands of dollars in overdue fines. There, instead of the anticipated harsh words of recrimination, he found unconditional love and acceptance.
"They don't even have overdue fees anymore," he said. "Apparently, they abolished them. I'm totally square."
Travis describes his encounter with the local public library as a profoundly spiritual experience, which not only gave him a new understanding of forgiveness, but will continue to influence the way he works his AA program.
"I've decided to make the library my Higher Power," he said. "They deserve it."


thespoof--2020-02-12--Mass Grave Of Evergreen Trees Found In Western Wyoming

A mass grave of viciously murdered evergreen trees has been uncovered in the popular ski resort town of Jackson Hole , Wyoming , near the Idaho border .
The local police were alarmed by this discovery which has horrified residents and visitors alike .
The trees were found dumped near the fairgrounds , not far from downtown .
“ It was a brazen act , probably perpetrated by a ruthless cartel from Mexico , ” stated Matthew Foghorn , a town spokesman .
“ I ca n't imagine anybody local doing this.
” “ This is definitely a massive , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Deputy Hans Knucklecracker .
“ All the bodies of the trees showed marks of having been horrifyingly cut down in their prime , and their bodies dumped here to put a panic into the townspeople .
We have never seen anything like it .
This is the sort of thing you would expect in LA or the East Coast .
Similar saw marks have been found on all the trees , and some show signs of torture , select limbs having been cut off or shortened and their tops often lopped off .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ is tree sap everywhere .
Even some of our toughest , long-term officers have wretched or fainted at the scene.
” To make matters even more macabre , many of the trees showed signs of having been used for some strange ritual .
Thin ribbons of glittery silver strands were found dangling from the limbs of many of the corpses and some had small , strange hooks with shattered remnants of highly-colorful , fragile objects hanging on them .
Police theorists suspect that the trees were used for some sort of bizarre pagan @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Things like this just do n't happen in our town .
There is normally a friendly , fun environment here .
We do n't expect a massacre here in this peaceful part of the state !
” stated local resident Marcia Homebody , a local beautician .
“ I think the elks are behind it .
If not them , then it has to be the Shriners or the Legionnaires !
” confirmed James Bullfeces , an expert on conspiracy theories The corpses of the trees will be buried in a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and a stone erected to honor their memory .
A memorial service for them will be held at Joe 's Landscaping on the north end of town at 10am on Saturday in their honor .
Attendees are being asked to bring fertilizer in lieu of gifts for the event .
Anyone with tips as to the perpetrator of this heinous crime , please notify the Sheriff 's or the police department .
The public 's help in this matter might help prevent another such atrocity next year at this time .

A mass grave of viciously murdered evergreen trees has been uncovered in the popular ski resort town of Jackson Hole, Wyoming, near the Idaho border. The local police were alarmed by this discovery which has horrified residents and visitors alike. The trees were found dumped near the fairgrounds, not far from downtown.
“It was a brazen act, probably perpetrated by a ruthless cartel from Mexico,” stated Matthew Foghorn, a town spokesman. “ I can't imagine anybody local doing this.”
“This is definitely a massive, coordinated attack,” inferred Sheriff's Deputy Hans Knucklecracker. “All the bodies of the trees showed marks of having been horrifyingly cut down in their prime, and their bodies dumped here to put a panic into the townspeople. We have never seen anything like it. This is the sort of thing you would expect in LA or the East Coast. Similar saw marks have been found on all the trees, and some show signs of torture, select limbs having been cut off or shortened and their tops often lopped off. It is a grisly scene. There is tree sap everywhere. Even some of our toughest, long-term officers have wretched or fainted at the scene.”
To make matters even more macabre, many of the trees showed signs of having been used for some strange ritual. Thin ribbons of glittery silver strands were found dangling from the limbs of many of the corpses and some had small, strange hooks with shattered remnants of highly-colorful, fragile objects hanging on them. Police theorists suspect that the trees were used for some sort of bizarre pagan ritual making the crime even more macabre.
“Things like this just don't happen in our town. There is normally a friendly, fun environment here. We don't expect a massacre here in this peaceful part of the state!” stated local resident Marcia Homebody, a local beautician.
“I think the elks are behind it. If not them, then it has to be the Shriners or the Legionnaires!” confirmed James Bullfeces, an expert on conspiracy theories
The corpses of the trees will be buried in a mass grave at the town dump, and a stone erected to honor their memory. A memorial service for them will be held at Joe's Landscaping on the north end of town at 10am on Saturday in their honor. Attendees are being asked to bring fertilizer in lieu of gifts for the event.
Anyone with tips as to the perpetrator of this heinous crime, please notify the Sheriff's or the police department. The public's help in this matter might help prevent another such atrocity next year at this time.