thespoof--2020-01-21--Li’l Wilmer Finishes Last In 2019 Iditarod Dog Sled Race

BILLINGSGATE POST : Li ’ l Wilmer , a mean-ass Dachshund with no previous experience leading a dogsled team , was granted a waiver , and was allowed to race in the Iditarod .
Until this year , only northern dog breeds like Siberian huskies and Alaskan malamutes were allowed to race .
Losing doesn ’ t come easy to Li ’ l Wilmer .
He has twice won the World Pizzarrhea contest , and currently holds the record for passing two slices of pepperoni pizza through his alimentary canal ( piehole to asshole ) in 46 seconds .
He @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his work .
It is given to the last team to finish the Iditarod .
The name refers to the lantern that ’ s lit during the race , and not put out until the last dog crosses the finish line .
The 1,150 mile race from Anchorage to Nome is brutal .
Each team must start with 16 dogs and finish with at least six .
Hard to imagine how those little legs kept up with the huskies and malamutes as they plowed through the crunching snow , but the promise of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of pepperoni pizza drove him on .
Vowing to come back for the 2020 Iditarod , Li ’ l Wilmer smacked his lips and snarfed down two extra-large slices of pepperoni pizza without peppers , thank you .
Slim : “ The little bastard ran his ass off .
A credit to his race.
” Dirty , “ Yo , Dude .
Makes you proud to be a Dachshund lover .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Li’l Wilmer, a mean-ass Dachshund with no previous experience leading a dogsled team, was granted a waiver, and was allowed to race in the Iditarod. Until this year, only northern dog breeds like Siberian huskies and Alaskan malamutes were allowed to race.
Losing doesn’t come easy to Li’l Wilmer. He has twice won the World Pizzarrhea contest, and currently holds the record for passing two slices of pepperoni pizza through his alimentary canal (piehole to asshole) in 46 seconds.
He did receive the Red Lantern Award for his work. It is given to the last team to finish the Iditarod. The name refers to the lantern that’s lit during the race, and not put out until the last dog crosses the finish line.
The 1,150 mile race from Anchorage to Nome is brutal. Each team must start with 16 dogs and finish with at least six. Hard to imagine how those little legs kept up with the huskies and malamutes as they plowed through the crunching snow, but the promise of the day ending with an extra-large slice of pepperoni pizza drove him on.
Vowing to come back for the 2020 Iditarod, Li’l Wilmer smacked his lips and snarfed down two extra-large slices of pepperoni pizza without peppers, thank you.
Slim: “The little bastard ran his ass off. A credit to his race.”
Dirty, “Yo, Dude. Makes you proud to be a Dachshund lover.”


thespoof--2020-01-23--Nashville Man Impresses Friends by Contemplating Registering for Ultra-Marathon

Friends of 42-year-old Dave Paxton of Nashville , Tennessee , were greatly impressed when Paxton informed them that he was contemplating registering for a 50-mile ultra-marathon .
“ To me , it ’ s doubly impressive considering that he doesn ’ t even run or work out , ” said Paxton ’ s longtime buddy , Tim Preston .
“ That ’ s fierce.
” Paxton ’ s colleague , Walt Havemeyer , agreed .
“ I ’ m not even sure how much time he ’ ll have to train , since he does n't have a particular race @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to contemplate taking on such a major athletic feat is totally badass in my book.
” Paxton himself was modest about his potential plans for pushing his physical boundaries , possibly on a trail somewhere out west .
“ Knowing that I may sign up to run 50 miles is motivational .
You only live once , is my attitude.
” At this point , Paxton has not pinned down exactly which , if any , ultra-marathon , he would like to consider registering for , but he ’ s not letting such @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of achieving his potential goal .
“ True victory is in intention , ” he noted .
“ Mindset is everything.
” Overhearing his words , Havemeyer chimed in .
“ He ’ s so inspiring .
I love having dudes like him in my life to lift me up and push me out of my comfort zone .
Dave 's the real deal .
”

Friends of 42-year-old Dave Paxton of Nashville, Tennessee, were greatly impressed when Paxton informed them that he was contemplating registering for a 50-mile ultra-marathon.
“To me, it’s doubly impressive considering that he doesn’t even run or work out,” said Paxton’s longtime buddy, Tim Preston. “That’s fierce.”
Paxton’s colleague, Walt Havemeyer, agreed. “I’m not even sure how much time he’ll have to train, since he doesn't have a particular race date in mind. But even just to contemplate taking on such a major athletic feat is totally badass in my book.”
Paxton himself was modest about his potential plans for pushing his physical boundaries, possibly on a trail somewhere out west. “Knowing that I may sign up to run 50 miles is motivational. You only live once, is my attitude.”
At this point, Paxton has not pinned down exactly which, if any, ultra-marathon, he would like to consider registering for, but he’s not letting such details deter him from reaping the benefits of achieving his potential goal. “True victory is in intention,” he noted. “Mindset is everything.”
Overhearing his words, Havemeyer chimed in. “He’s so inspiring. I love having dudes like him in my life to lift me up and push me out of my comfort zone. Dave's the real deal.”


thespoof--2020-01-23--Thousand pound male seeks bride; finds, but it doesn't last

Strong man from Northern Pakistan , Arbab Khizer Hayat , has responded sympathetically to a fellow hulk 's plight who came forward yesterday .
This new figure in the mammoth male field felt obliged to share his experience with Mr. Hayat after the latter 's appeal for a love-mate hit the press in the past few days .
From Siberia , Mr. Vladimir Trodonsky has similar dimensions to Mr. Hayat , at 6 ' 6 ” and weighing in at 980 pounds .
Both strong men are on record with prodigious feats of strength , as Mr. Hayat is able @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while pulling buses and tractors with a rope in his teeth .
Mr. Trodonsky has been photographed with two men on each shoulder , and two females on top of his head as he does push-ups .
Both males also eat a prodigious amount of food to keep in shape .
Mr. Hayat 's plight at finding a suitable female mate has not come due to lack of applicants , but the problem of most at “ puny.
” A height of 6 ' 4 ” and 220 pounds = minimum required .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ the press to share his tribulations in this area .
Having spent many years companion-less due to the “ puny ” factor with females , some of whom he was unable to find under the covers after taking to his bed , Mr. Trodonsky has the experience to advise on this matter .
At last he thought he had found a mate in fellow Siberian , Samantha Suerte , with a torrid affair that led to a marriage .
Ms. Suerte topped 6 ' 5 ” and hefted in at 725 pounds , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a need to strengthen his bed posts and mattress .
Engineers in Siberia responded with the finest steel girders and toughest rubber to hold the mattress together .
Mr. Trodonsky and his bride planned exciting projects , as she was also inclined to weight-lifting and feats of her own .
They dreamed of being a team touring the globe .
They fancied lifting The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco , and placing it several feet either further east or west .
But then Ms.Suerte took to bench pressing Mr. Trodonsky .
With @ @ @ @ @ @ @ twirled him .
He was dizzy for weeks and had to use a cane .

Strong man from Northern Pakistan, Arbab Khizer Hayat, has responded sympathetically to a fellow hulk's plight who came forward yesterday.
This new figure in the mammoth male field felt obliged to share his experience with Mr. Hayat after the latter's appeal for a love-mate hit the press in the past few days.
From Siberia, Mr. Vladimir Trodonsky has similar dimensions to Mr. Hayat, at 6' 6” and weighing in at 980 pounds.
Both strong men are on record with prodigious feats of strength, as Mr. Hayat is able to lift a car with one hand while pulling buses and tractors with a rope in his teeth.
Mr. Trodonsky has been photographed with two men on each shoulder, and two females on top of his head as he does push-ups.
Both males also eat a prodigious amount of food to keep in shape.
Daily:
*4 chickens
*36 eggs
*7 pounds of additional meat
*5 liters of milk
Mr. Hayat's plight at finding a suitable female mate has not come due to lack of applicants, but the problem of most at “puny.” A height of 6' 4” and 220 pounds = minimum required.
Meanwhile, Mr. Trodonsky has taken to the press to share his tribulations in this area.
Having spent many years companion-less due to the “puny” factor with females, some of whom he was unable to find under the covers after taking to his bed, Mr. Trodonsky has the experience to advise on this matter.
At last he thought he had found a mate in fellow Siberian, Samantha Suerte, with a torrid affair that led to a marriage.
Ms. Suerte topped 6' 5” and hefted in at 725 pounds, he said, with the only problem a need to strengthen his bed posts and mattress.
Engineers in Siberia responded with the finest steel girders and toughest rubber to hold the mattress together.
Mr. Trodonsky and his bride planned exciting projects, as she was also inclined to weight-lifting and feats of her own.
They dreamed of being a team touring the globe.
They fancied lifting The Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco, and placing it several feet either further east or west.
But then Ms.Suerte took to bench pressing Mr. Trodonsky.
With him high above her head she also twirled him.
He was dizzy for weeks and had to use a cane.
That ended it.


thespoof--2020-01-22--Nashville Woman Successfully Navigates Fake Friendship with Coworker

For.all her efforts to be an authentic person , Ingrid O'Donnell of Nashville , Tennessee , found it necessary to pull out every ounce of fakeness and duplicity she had in order to navigate a relationship with an overly-chummy coworker , Sergio Greene - and succeeded in spades .
`` He refers to me as his dear friend , and sometimes brings me special treats , '' said O'Donnell .
`` And yet I 've never once spent any time with him outside of work , and only have to deal with the occasional stupid text .
I 've managed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I can handle , which I feel really good about . ''
According to O'Donnell , Greene first adopted her as his new BFF - without her consent - when he learned that she was a vegan .
`` He told me he 's a vegetarian , and that he could tell we had a special bond , '' said O'Donnell .
`` I did n't have the heart to tell him I think vegetarians are the lamest !
If you 're going to do something , do it all the way .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ began greeting her in the office every day with a hug and barraging her with instant messages regarding everything from his spirituality to how he had slept the night before .
But when he tried to set her up with his cousin so that they could be `` family , '' O'Donnell knew she had to set some limits .
Some of the tactics O'Donnell has used to fend off Greene 's overtures include `` not noticing '' his IMs when they pop up on her computer screen , being `` vulnerable '' @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which makes her not really want to talk that much , and telling him how great it is to have friends like him who understand and do n't pressure her to open up when she 's in a dark space .
She also `` confided '' to him that she thought their female boss might have a crush on Greene , and that maybe they should back off on being so overly chummy , so as not to stir up petty jealousy .
And O'Donnell says that she genuinely appreciates Greene for all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of their relationship .
`` I 've learned so much from him - like how annoying people can be .
I thought I knew that already , but he took my awareness to a whole new level . ''
She added , `` I 've also learned that I 'm actually not a very nice person .
But what can you do ? ''
The most important lesson O'Donnell has taken from her dealings with Greene , however , is that forthrightness is best reserved for non-annoying people .
`` Sometimes dishonesty is @ @ @ @ @ @

For.all her efforts to be an authentic person, Ingrid O'Donnell of Nashville, Tennessee, found it necessary to pull out every ounce of fakeness and duplicity she had in order to navigate a relationship with an overly-chummy coworker, Sergio Greene - and succeeded in spades.
"He refers to me as his dear friend, and sometimes brings me special treats," said O'Donnell. "And yet I've never once spent any time with him outside of work, and only have to deal with the occasional stupid text. I've managed to keep it all at a level I can handle, which I feel really good about."
According to O'Donnell, Greene first adopted her as his new BFF - without her consent - when he learned that she was a vegan. "He told me he's a vegetarian, and that he could tell we had a special bond," said O'Donnell. "I didn't have the heart to tell him I think vegetarians are the lamest! If you're going to do something, do it all the way. Don't half-ass it."
Greene began greeting her in the office every day with a hug and barraging her with instant messages regarding everything from his spirituality to how he had slept the night before. But when he tried to set her up with his cousin so that they could be "family," O'Donnell knew she had to set some limits.
Some of the tactics O'Donnell has used to fend off Greene's overtures include "not noticing" his IMs when they pop up on her computer screen, being "vulnerable" with Greene about her seasonal defective disorder which makes her not really want to talk that much, and telling him how great it is to have friends like him who understand and don't pressure her to open up when she's in a dark space. She also "confided" to him that she thought their female boss might have a crush on Greene, and that maybe they should back off on being so overly chummy, so as not to stir up petty jealousy.
And O'Donnell says that she genuinely appreciates Greene for all he's taught her in the course of their relationship. "I've learned so much from him - like how annoying people can be. I thought I knew that already, but he took my awareness to a whole new level."
She added, "I've also learned that I'm actually not a very nice person. But what can you do?"
The most important lesson O'Donnell has taken from her dealings with Greene, however, is that forthrightness is best reserved for non-annoying people. "Sometimes dishonesty is actually a better policy."


thespoof--2020-01-22--Elizabeth Warren denies using “grab 'em” terminology borrowed from Trump

Recently , CNN reported a conflict between Ms. Warren and Bernie Sanders over a “ he said , she said ” controversy related to the 2020 presidential election .
Ms. Warren thought Mr. Sanders said a woman could not win the presidency , which he then vehemently denied .
`` Look back over my years , many years , '' he responded , `` and you will see this is totally wrong . ''
“ Of course I believe a woman could be president !
” Now , however , a new controversy is emerging , again surfaced by the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ now reported as saying the best way to respond to male opponents in the 2020 race is to “ grab 'em by the b***s. ” Ms. Warren has vigorously denied she said any such thing .
The remark plays on Mr. Trump , in 2016 , allegedly saying he could do whatever he liked with women and get away with it , including , “ grab 'em by the p***y.
” Back in 2016 , Mr. Trump 's staff responded that video and audio can be doctored with today 's technology to make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Careful analysis by audio experts can reveal gaps and inconsistencies not usually noticeable to a casual listener that indicate tampering and contrived speech .
Nevertheless , Mr. Trump 's “ grab 'em by the p***y ” has remained a strong impression of his tendencies with the ladies .
Meanwhile , Ms. Warren has been quick to respond to this latest kerfuffle from CNN reporters , vigorously attending to today 's politics .
Making her situation worse , she notes , she has already noticed the damaging effects of this supposed comment she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to turn sideways with hand in the trousers ' pocket in protective mode .
Ms. Warren ( with some exasperation and heat ) : “ Are we feeling a little nuts with all this folderol by now ?
” But Mr. Sanders was not willing to let this go , friendship or no .
“ May I say that I deeply resent the implications here in Ms. Warren 's remark !
” “ There has been no doubt , over many , many years , about the size of my dedication , my @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have made , and my principled opposition to anything unfair and discriminatory !
” “ Further , I will put the size of my cojones up against any male 's in the 2020 political theater at this time !
”

Recently, CNN reported a conflict between Ms. Warren and Bernie Sanders over a “he said, she said” controversy related to the 2020 presidential election.
Ms. Warren thought Mr. Sanders said a woman could not win the presidency, which he then vehemently denied.
"Look back over my years, many years," he responded, "and you will see this is totally wrong."
“Of course I believe a woman could be president!”
Now, however, a new controversy is emerging, again surfaced by the diligence of CNN.
Ms. Warren is now reported as saying the best way to respond to male opponents in the 2020 race is to “grab 'em by the b***s.”
Ms. Warren has vigorously denied she said any such thing.
The remark plays on Mr. Trump, in 2016, allegedly saying he could do whatever he liked with women and get away with it, including, “grab 'em by the p***y.”
Back in 2016, Mr. Trump's staff responded that video and audio can be doctored with today's technology to make it appear a person could say anything.
Careful analysis by audio experts can reveal gaps and inconsistencies not usually noticeable to a casual listener that indicate tampering and contrived speech.
Nevertheless, Mr. Trump's “grab 'em by the p***y” has remained a strong impression of his tendencies with the ladies.
Meanwhile, Ms. Warren has been quick to respond to this latest kerfuffle from CNN reporters, vigorously attending to today's politics.
Making her situation worse, she notes, she has already noticed the damaging effects of this supposed comment she made.
Males now approaching her tend to turn sideways with hand in the trousers' pocket in protective mode.
Ms. Warren (with some exasperation and heat): “Are we feeling a little nuts with all this folderol by now?”
But Mr. Sanders was not willing to let this go, friendship or no.
“May I say that I deeply resent the implications here in Ms. Warren's remark!”
“There has been no doubt, over many, many years, about the size of my dedication, my courage, and the continuing efforts I have made, and my principled opposition to anything unfair and discriminatory!”
“Further, I will put the size of my cojones up against any male's in the 2020 political theater at this time!”


thespoof--2020-01-24--President Trump Impeachment Trial Has Really Caught The Attention Of The American Public

The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump 's 'wrongdoings ' has , despite concerns to the contrary , ignited an enthusiasm in the general public that is difficult to comprehend , with many people admitting they were `` mildly interested '' .
President Trump has been impeached on two charges : Firstly , he 's accused of seeking help from Ukraine 's government in order to himself get re-elected this November .
It 's alleged he held back millions of dollars of military aid to the country .
In exchange , it 's claimed he wanted Ukraine to announce that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ into Joe Biden , the Democrat who will challenge Trump in the election .
Polls suggest Mr Biden would beat Trump if he were chosen as the Democratic candidate .
Secondly , Mr Trump was accused by the Democrats of obstructing Congress , after the White House refused to allow its staff to testify at the first impeachment hearings , last year .
Are you still awake ?
The public , who have to endure endless hours devoted to the subject on hundreds of news stations , as well as on the internet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , have become rather bored by it all .
But several people who responded to a survey in New York said otherwise .
One said : '' I 'm really interested .
I think it 's great .
I like watching paint dry . ''
Another man at a soup kitchen , said : '' I 'll say I 'm interested if I can get some more soup . ''
`` The whole impeachy thing is so exciting , an almost-magical experience .
By the way , I believe in unicorns . ''
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ He said : '' Every time I turn the TV on , or pick up my phone , or look at the internet , or buy a newspaper , all I can see is shit about Trump and his impeachment .
Even people on the subway just wo n't stop jibber-jabbering about it .
It 's tedious in the extreme .
I wish it would all go away , and Trump with it . ''
Neither it nor he will .

The impeachment inquiry into President Donald Trump's 'wrongdoings' has, despite concerns to the contrary, ignited an enthusiasm in the general public that is difficult to comprehend, with many people admitting they were "mildly interested".
President Trump has been impeached on two charges:
Firstly, he's accused of seeking help from Ukraine's government in order to himself get re-elected this November. It's alleged he held back millions of dollars of military aid to the country. In exchange, it's claimed he wanted Ukraine to announce that they were going to make an investigation into Joe Biden, the Democrat who will challenge Trump in the election. Polls suggest Mr Biden would beat Trump if he were chosen as the Democratic candidate.
Secondly, Mr Trump was accused by the Democrats of obstructing Congress, after the White House refused to allow its staff to testify at the first impeachment hearings, last year.
Are you still awake?
The public, who have to endure endless hours devoted to the subject on hundreds of news stations, as well as on the internet and every newspaper, might, understandably, have become rather bored by it all. But several people who responded to a survey in New York said otherwise. One said:
"I'm really interested. I think it's great. I like watching paint dry."
Another man at a soup kitchen, said:
"I'll say I'm interested if I can get some more soup."
A lady selling flowers in Manhattan, said:
"The whole impeachy thing is so exciting, an almost-magical experience. By the way, I believe in unicorns."
But one man could not lie. He said:
"Every time I turn the TV on, or pick up my phone, or look at the internet, or buy a newspaper, all I can see is shit about Trump and his impeachment. Even people on the subway just won't stop jibber-jabbering about it. It's tedious in the extreme. I wish it would all go away, and Trump with it."
Neither it nor he will.


thespoof--2020-01-24--Nashville Man Enjoys Psychotic Break

Nashville Man Enjoys Psychotic Break

“ We all need to take a little time off once in a while , ” said Kenneth Cooke of Nashville , Tennessee , of his nearly week-long vacation from sanity .
“ Unfortunately , it was n't paid time off .
But what can you do – sometimes psychosis has its own agenda.
” According to Cooke , his psyche began mental preparations for his flight from rationality long before his break actually occurred .
“ There were a few dips into depression and even mania , ” he said .
“ Weekend jaunts , if you will.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Monday morning , when Cooke ’ s psyche revolted at the prospect of returning to his dead-end , soul-sucking financial job .
“ I ’ m used to being at war with myself on weekday mornings , ” he noted , “ but this time , it was a total coup .
Every cell in my body rebelled.
” Realizing there was no option but to surrender , Cooke emailed his excuses to his employer and enjoyed a subsequent five-day reprieve from sanity , rationality , reality , and , of course , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can you do ?
” he said .
“ Money isn ’ t everything – or so my psychosis likes to tell me.
” Cooke ’ s psychotic break came to end the following Friday evening , when the weekend caused his psyche to return to its usual play-by-the-rules attitude .
“ Things will probably go back to normal next week , assuming I ’ m not fired from my job , ” he said .
“ Can ’ t wait.
” While Cooke appreciates the new perspective that his period of utter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he emphasized that his flight from sanity is not one to be idealized .
“ It was a mixed bag , ” he said .
“ I won ’ t exactly be returning refreshed and renewed , but I will be returning .
So that ’ s something .
”

“We all need to take a little time off once in a while,” said Kenneth Cooke of Nashville, Tennessee, of his nearly week-long vacation from sanity. “Unfortunately, it wasn't paid time off. But what can you do – sometimes psychosis has its own agenda.”
According to Cooke, his psyche began mental preparations for his flight from rationality long before his break actually occurred. “There were a few dips into depression and even mania,” he said. “Weekend jaunts, if you will.”
The major psychotic break began on a Monday morning, when Cooke’s psyche revolted at the prospect of returning to his dead-end, soul-sucking financial job. “I’m used to being at war with myself on weekday mornings,” he noted, “but this time, it was a total coup. Every cell in my body rebelled.”
Realizing there was no option but to surrender, Cooke emailed his excuses to his employer and enjoyed a subsequent five-day reprieve from sanity, rationality, reality, and, of course, financial compensation. “Again, what can you do?” he said. “Money isn’t everything – or so my psychosis likes to tell me.”
Cooke’s psychotic break came to end the following Friday evening, when the weekend caused his psyche to return to its usual play-by-the-rules attitude. “Things will probably go back to normal next week, assuming I’m not fired from my job,” he said. “Can’t wait.”
While Cooke appreciates the new perspective that his period of utter withdrawal from life has brought him, he emphasized that his flight from sanity is not one to be idealized. “It was a mixed bag,” he said. “I won’t exactly be returning refreshed and renewed, but I will be returning. So that’s something.”


thespoof--2020-01-25--Offended College Students Combine With Extremist Supporters Of #ME TOO Movement And WOKE To Protest

Offended College Students Combine With Extremist Supporters Of #ME TOO Movement And WOKE To Protest 20-Minute Segment Of World War 1 Documentary Only Showing White European Men Dying In Trenches

California .
Outraged and ready to fight to the bitter end to make sure that 'equal representation ' is manifested in all aspects of society , a group of middle-class students , as well as extremist supporters of the # ME TOO Movement and WOKE , staged a massive protest , last Monday , throughout the campus of Epididymis University in response to a World War 1 documentary that was pulled out by Professor Dick Johnson earlier in December .
Fiercely upset and highly shocked that 20 minutes of the documentary , `` Over The Top : Fighting In World @ @ @ @ @ @ @ images of young , white males living in mud-filled trenches , marching forward under confused orders , and getting stuck in barbed wire before being torn into pieces by relentless machine gun fire , the protestors demanded ( in pure rage ) that the tenured historian be fired for his lack of sensitivity and understanding , and that the financial stability of his wife and three children be permanently jeopardized .
After humbly admitting that it was a rather impulsive move on his part to utilize his numerous years of academic training , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ material of a largely forgotten war in order to teach lessons from the past , Dr. Johnson tried to appease the belligerent mob of liberals by sincerely apologizing that 20 minutes of the hour-long program had a 'seemingly 'Eurocentric ' male perspective ' .
Despite the fact that later segments of the documentary contained discussions about women 's essential involvement as nurses and munitions factory workers , images of the Women 's Royal Air Force , explanations of how discriminatory policies were reversed so that African Americans could serve vital roles in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of how the armed conflict permanently affected people in countries across the globe , the 'toxically masculine ' and 'deeply prejudiced ' tone of Professor Dick Johnson 's crude apologies only led to further screaming , crying , and hollering .
Desperately attempting to sooth the profound vexation that he had stirred up by showing 'extremely inconsiderate ' images of 'only white males ' rotting away hopelessly , having their intestines blown out , and dying helplessly from diseases , as well as a plethora of other unimaginable horrors , Dr. Johnson then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ following purely awful statement : '' Humanity will not be able to move forward peacefully with divisive politics and aggressive movements aimed at constantly portraying women and people of diversity as perfect , and white men as thoughtless , power-hungry , stupid , and barbaric . ''
Because additional claims he made about historical documentaries being 'different ' from current movies and TV shows were found to be cruel and unfair , Professor Johnson was immediately fired by the administration and then decapitated so that the blood dripping out of his neck could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ' demonstrators .
Sources confirmed that 'progressive-minded ' Hollywood producers and scriptwriters are already working on a movie about Dr. Johnson 's life , which will be appropriately titled , `` The Unholy Rapist '' .
It will unapologetically cover : the satanic rituals that occurred during his birth ; the wild cocaine parties he enjoyed in college ; the severe alcoholism he struggled with his entire life ; the financial scams he was responsible for ; the racism he was unable to shed ; his constant polluting of the environment ; the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ animals ; the prejudice he desperately tried to instill in minds of his students with his unsound teaching methods ; and most importantly , his constant raping of women .

California. Outraged and ready to fight to the bitter end to make sure that 'equal representation' is manifested in all aspects of society, a group of middle-class students, as well as extremist supporters of the #ME TOO Movement and WOKE, staged a massive protest, last Monday, throughout the campus of Epididymis University in response to a World War 1 documentary that was pulled out by Professor Dick Johnson earlier in December.
Fiercely upset and highly shocked that 20 minutes of the documentary, "Over The Top: Fighting In World War I," had only shown images of young, white males living in mud-filled trenches, marching forward under confused orders, and getting stuck in barbed wire before being torn into pieces by relentless machine gun fire, the protestors demanded (in pure rage) that the tenured historian be fired for his lack of sensitivity and understanding, and that the financial stability of his wife and three children be permanently jeopardized.
After humbly admitting that it was a rather impulsive move on his part to utilize his numerous years of academic training, his research, and his access to material of a largely forgotten war in order to teach lessons from the past, Dr. Johnson tried to appease the belligerent mob of liberals by sincerely apologizing that 20 minutes of the hour-long program had a 'seemingly 'Eurocentric' male perspective'.
Despite the fact that later segments of the documentary contained discussions about women's essential involvement as nurses and munitions factory workers, images of the Women's Royal Air Force, explanations of how discriminatory policies were reversed so that African Americans could serve vital roles in the US military, and a deep analysis of how the armed conflict permanently affected people in countries across the globe, the 'toxically masculine' and 'deeply prejudiced' tone of Professor Dick Johnson's crude apologies only led to further screaming, crying, and hollering.
Desperately attempting to sooth the profound vexation that he had stirred up by showing 'extremely inconsiderate' images of 'only white males' rotting away hopelessly, having their intestines blown out, and dying helplessly from diseases, as well as a plethora of other unimaginable horrors, Dr. Johnson then put himself in further trouble with the following purely awful statement:
"Humanity will not be able to move forward peacefully with divisive politics and aggressive movements aimed at constantly portraying women and people of diversity as perfect, and white men as thoughtless, power-hungry, stupid, and barbaric."
Because additional claims he made about historical documentaries being 'different' from current movies and TV shows were found to be cruel and unfair, Professor Johnson was immediately fired by the administration and then decapitated so that the blood dripping out of his neck could be enjoyed by the crowd of 'forward-thinking' demonstrators.
Sources confirmed that 'progressive-minded' Hollywood producers and scriptwriters are already working on a movie about Dr. Johnson's life, which will be appropriately titled, "The Unholy Rapist".
It will unapologetically cover: the satanic rituals that occurred during his birth; the wild cocaine parties he enjoyed in college; the severe alcoholism he struggled with his entire life; the financial scams he was responsible for; the racism he was unable to shed; his constant polluting of the environment; the torture he inflicted on small, helpless animals; the prejudice he desperately tried to instill in minds of his students with his unsound teaching methods; and most importantly, his constant raping of women.


thespoof--2020-01-25--Worshipers of Narcissistic Corrupt Oligarch Wonder Why Younger Generation Giving Up on Patriotism an

Worshipers of Narcissistic Corrupt Oligarch Wonder Why Younger Generation Giving Up on Patriotism and Religion

Washington - Older Evangelical and self-described patriotic supporters of Donald Trump bemoaned millennial generation Americans who do n't seem as @ @ @ @ @ and Country as they are , according to new studies .
Lovers of a President @ @ @ @ @ easily-provable lies , paid off porn stars for silence , uses his office to divert @ @ @ @ @ business empire , and even paid a fine for sacking his own charitable foundation , @ @ @ @ @ younger generation have shown less interest than theirs in the teachings of Christ and devotion @ @ @ @ @ I 'm at a loss to explain the attitude of kids these days , '' @ @ @ @ @ survey , on his way to Church .
`` Maybe they would rather have little @ @ @ @ @ . ''

Washington - Older Evangelical and self-described patriotic supporters of Donald Trump bemoaned millennial generation Americans who don't seem as interested in love of God and Country as they are, according to new studies.
Lovers of a President who has told thousands of easily-provable lies, paid off porn stars for silence, uses his office to divert taxpayer money to his own business empire, and even paid a fine for sacking his own charitable foundation, could not understand how the younger generation have shown less interest than theirs in the teachings of Christ and devotion to American exceptionalism.
"I'm at a loss to explain the attitude of kids these days," said one participant in the survey, on his way to Church. "Maybe they would rather have little Adam Shit running the country."


thespoof--2020-01-25--Should Donald Trump And Harvey Weinstein Be Given A Pass Like Adolf Hitler?

Should Donald Trump be given a pass and let voters decide because , gosh , it ’ s so close to the election , let the people decide ?
And besides , he ’ s promised not to cheat in the next election the way he cheated in the 2016 election .
So let it go , why don ’ t you ?
Pew impeachment !
If someone killed your dog , intentionally , and he might murder the next dog you get , would n't you say , “ Dogs come and go ?
I ’ ll get another @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get lucky and die of old age ?
” Same with Harvey Weinstein .
He did terrible things , or so over one hundred women , ( and still counting ) have testified .
That was yesterday .
Turn the page .
Or , as Scarlett O ’ Hara hopefully said , “ Tomorrow is another day.
” So let Harvey Weinstein go back to work producing some of the best films in film history .
Let critics decide his future .
If they pan his films , he ’ ll be gone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ films , another sentence into oblivion .
If his films really stink ?
Again , he ’ ll be out of business .
Men have always abused women .
Look what Trump said about Hillary Clinton , “ Lock her up.
” And the audiences cheered .
There were also lots of women in that audience cheering .
Real team players , they .
But that was abusive language .
General Michael Flynn started the chant , “ Lock her up.
” He ’ s about to be sentenced to serve some time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” What happened to the Trump defense ?
Did everyone already forget about that ?
Got distracted thinking about Harvey Weinstein ’ s : Reservoir Dogs , Shakespeare In Love , The King 's Speech , and The English Patient ?
Distraction 's exactly what Trump and his defense team have been trying to do .
Let the voters decide in the 2020 election .
He plays golf , not stickball , likes chocolate cake , and he likes the ladies , wink , wink .
So don ’ t let justice be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2020 .
Same with Harvey .
Let the audiences decide his fate .
The guy 's fat .
That ’ s a sentence already .
Hitler flew the coop and was never punished , so why , oh why can ’ t Donald Trump and Harvey Weinstein ?
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Should Donald Trump be given a pass and let voters decide because, gosh, it’s so close to the election, let the people decide? And besides, he’s promised not to cheat in the next election the way he cheated in the 2016 election.
So let it go, why don’t you? Pew impeachment!
If someone killed your dog, intentionally, and he might murder the next dog you get, wouldn't you say, “Dogs come and go? I’ll get another dog? Or maybe my dog will get lucky and die of old age?”
Same with Harvey Weinstein. He did terrible things, or so over one hundred women, (and still counting) have testified. That was yesterday. Turn the page. Or, as Scarlett O’Hara hopefully said, “Tomorrow is another day.”
So let Harvey Weinstein go back to work producing some of the best films in film history. Let critics decide his future. If they pan his films, he’ll be gone and forgotten. If audiences boycott his films, another sentence into oblivion. If his films really stink? Again, he’ll be out of business.
Men have always abused women. Look what Trump said about Hillary Clinton, “Lock her up.” And the audiences cheered. There were also lots of women in that audience cheering. Real team players, they. But that was abusive language.
General Michael Flynn started the chant, “Lock her up.” He’s about to be sentenced to serve some time in a “Lock him up prison.”
What happened to the Trump defense? Did everyone already forget about that? Got distracted thinking about Harvey Weinstein’s: Reservoir Dogs, Shakespeare In Love, The King's Speech, and The English Patient?
Distraction's exactly what Trump and his defense team have been trying to do. Let the voters decide in the 2020 election. He plays golf, not stickball, likes chocolate cake, and he likes the ladies, wink, wink. So don’t let justice be served, let the voters decide in 2020.
Same with Harvey. Let the audiences decide his fate. The guy's fat. That’s a sentence already.
Hitler flew the coop and was never punished, so why, oh why can’t Donald Trump and Harvey Weinstein?
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-01-25--Bland Woman Suspected of Suffering from Borderline Personality

Struck by her generally bland manner peppered with the occasional mildly amusing remark , some acquaintances of Marsha Tuckerman of St. Louis , Missouri , have come to suspect that Tuckerman may suffer from a condition known as borderline personality .
“ Usually you don ’ t even notice she ’ s in a room , ” said longtime acquaintance Angela Gentry .
“ But , every once in a while , she says something that makes you think there may a little something there .
If there was ever anyone with a borderline personality , she ’ s it.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ I would say she ’ s very borderline , ” he said .
“ Tilting toward no personality whatsoever .
I worry about her sometimes.
” Tuckerman ’ s ex-boyfriend , Bryan Barnes , confirmed the unofficial borderline personality diagnosis .
According to Barnes , after he ended their painfully unexciting three-month relationship , Tuckerman surprised him by cyber-stalking him and attempting to sabotage his subsequent dating endeavors .
“ Turns out she wasn ’ t just straight-up vanilla like I ’ d thought , ” he said .
“ She had tinges @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I didn ’ t give her enough credit.
” Tuckerman herself shrugged off suggestions that she has any personality , borderline or otherwise .
“ People are always trying to label and categorize everyone else , ” she said .
“ I don ’ t get caught up in that stuff .
I just do me .
”

Struck by her generally bland manner peppered with the occasional mildly amusing remark, some acquaintances of Marsha Tuckerman of St. Louis, Missouri, have come to suspect that Tuckerman may suffer from a condition known as borderline personality.
“Usually you don’t even notice she’s in a room,” said longtime acquaintance Angela Gentry. “But, every once in a while, she says something that makes you think there may a little something there. If there was ever anyone with a borderline personality, she’s it.”
Colleague Matt Bowery agreed. “I would say she’s very borderline,” he said. “Tilting toward no personality whatsoever. I worry about her sometimes.”
Tuckerman’s ex-boyfriend, Bryan Barnes, confirmed the unofficial borderline personality diagnosis. According to Barnes, after he ended their painfully unexciting three-month relationship, Tuckerman surprised him by cyber-stalking him and attempting to sabotage his subsequent dating endeavors. “Turns out she wasn’t just straight-up vanilla like I’d thought,” he said. “She had tinges of being borderline sociopathic. In hindsight, I didn’t give her enough credit.”
Tuckerman herself shrugged off suggestions that she has any personality, borderline or otherwise. “People are always trying to label and categorize everyone else,” she said. “I don’t get caught up in that stuff. I just do me.”


thespoof--2020-01-26--"Dems Trying to Subvert Election" Say Proponents of Ancient Voting System That Subverted the Last El

"Dems Trying to Subvert Election" Say Proponents of Ancient Voting System That Subverted the Last Election

Washington - Lawyers for President Donald Trump , along with his GOP supporters , accused Democrats pressing forward with impeachment @ @ @ @ @ results of the 2016 election , which Hillary Clinton won by 2 million votes .
@ @ @ @ @ that he could do just about anything , including “ shooting someone on 5th Avenue @ @ @ @ @ s the President , and the next election is only a few months away .
@ @ @ @ @ hundreds of millions of dollars in taxpayer funds to gain a propaganda edge in the @ @ @ @ @ all the evidence and witnesses , Republicans like Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell reminded reporters @ @ @ @ @ according to a perverted whacky vote measuring system developed in the 18th century , in @ @ @ @ @ counts as three voters in New York .

Washington - Lawyers for President Donald Trump, along with his GOP supporters, accused Democrats pressing forward with impeachment of trying to subvert the results of the 2016 election, which Hillary Clinton won by 2 million votes.
The worshippers of Trump implied that he could do just about anything, including “shooting someone on 5th Avenue”, since he’s the President, and the next election is only a few months away.
When reminded that Trump used hundreds of millions of dollars in taxpayer funds to gain a propaganda edge in the next election, then hid all the evidence and witnesses, Republicans like Lindsey Graham and Mitch McConnell reminded reporters that Trump won the election according to a perverted whacky vote measuring system developed in the 18th century, in which a voter in Montana counts as three voters in New York.


thespoof--2020-01-26--Jigsaw Puzzle Sales Leap Due To Trump Impeachment Trial

According to claims made by toy stores across the US , the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump , is thought to have been at least partly responsible for a huge increase in sales of jigsaw puzzles .
Toy stores all over the country have reported a massive surge in popularity of the interlockable puzzles , which occupy players for hours , encouraging them to empty their brains of all other thoughts , and providing them with a deep satisfaction in completing a harmless , and meaningless , task .
The power of jigsaw puzzles can be harnessed to deal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on the colored pieces , thereby blocking out annoying , tedious , and stressful and pointless issues , which the impeachment trial certainly is .
Not to mention the expense of the trial , which I just did .
The news comes after other revelations that senators present at the trial were uninterested enough in it to resort to playing games on their mobiles and sleeping whilst it was in process .
A spokesman for Toys R Us , America 's most popular toy shop , said : '' Jigsaw puzzles have been @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , of course - that would be ridiculous - but they 've been selling rather more quickly than they usually do . ''
One man seen buying a jigsaw puzzle , Thomas Winker , was asked why he 'd bought it , instead of , say , a Nintendo Wii .
He replied : '' Me and my entire family can engross ourselves in this 2000-piece puzzle , and forget that Trump exists .
Plus it 's a lot cheaper . ''
Other activities that people have been resorting to in order to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are learning to ride a unicycle , origami , and knitting .

According to claims made by toy stores across the US, the impeachment trial of President Donald Trump, is thought to have been at least partly responsible for a huge increase in sales of jigsaw puzzles.
Toy stores all over the country have reported a massive surge in popularity of the interlockable puzzles, which occupy players for hours, encouraging them to empty their brains of all other thoughts, and providing them with a deep satisfaction in completing a harmless, and meaningless, task.
The power of jigsaw puzzles can be harnessed to deal with stress or boredom, by focusing on the colored pieces, thereby blocking out annoying, tedious, and stressful and pointless issues, which the impeachment trial certainly is.
Not to mention the expense of the trial, which I just did.
The news comes after other revelations that senators present at the trial were uninterested enough in it to resort to playing games on their mobiles and sleeping whilst it was in process.
A spokesman for Toys R Us, America's most popular toy shop, said:
"Jigsaw puzzles have been flying off our shelves. Not literally, of course - that would be ridiculous - but they've been selling rather more quickly than they usually do."
One man seen buying a jigsaw puzzle, Thomas Winker, was asked why he'd bought it, instead of, say, a Nintendo Wii. He replied:
"Me and my entire family can engross ourselves in this 2000-piece puzzle, and forget that Trump exists. Plus it's a lot cheaper."
Other activities that people have been resorting to in order to 'block out' the impeachment trial, are learning to ride a unicycle, origami, and knitting.


thespoof--2020-01-26--Nashville Man Fails Non-Inferiority Trial

Despite promising early research results as a potential non-toxic antidote to singlehood , Kyle Strickland of Nashville , Tennessee , failed a non-inferiority trial and ultimately was not approved as Christina Angelo ’ s new boyfriend .
“ It ’ s disappointing , ” said Strickland of his failure to demonstrate that he was not substantially worse than Angelo ’ s standard lonely Saturday nights and gaping lack of physical intimacy .
“ But it is better just to know.
” He added , “ I ’ d hate to have been approved if I weren ’ t safe.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ number of ways in which Strickland failed to demonstrate that he was not substantially worse than the control group , loneliness .
“ Lack of consistent performance results was the main deficiency , ” she said .
“ Also considered were several detrimental side effects , including decreased motivation and increased risk of anxiety and/or depression . ''
And , so , it ’ s back to the drawing board for Angelo in her search of a harmless remedy for singlehood .
Meanwhile , to Strickland ’ s pleasant surprise , there may @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be approved for off-label use , to treat severe schizophrenia .
“ Apparently I may help with paranoid delusions , ” he said .
“ Who knew ? ''
Angelo herself , however , is not holding out hope for a new and improved version of Strickland and , instead , is making use of time-tested home remedies for loneliness .
“ There are a lot of good ones – hibiscus tea , aromatherapy , word puzzles , and mystery novels , ” she said .
“ They ’ ll get me through @ @ @ @ @ @ @

Despite promising early research results as a potential non-toxic antidote to singlehood, Kyle Strickland of Nashville, Tennessee, failed a non-inferiority trial and ultimately was not approved as Christina Angelo’s new boyfriend.
“It’s disappointing,” said Strickland of his failure to demonstrate that he was not substantially worse than Angelo’s standard lonely Saturday nights and gaping lack of physical intimacy. “But it is better just to know.”
He added, “I’d hate to have been approved if I weren’t safe.”
According to Angelo, there were a number of ways in which Strickland failed to demonstrate that he was not substantially worse than the control group, loneliness. “Lack of consistent performance results was the main deficiency,” she said. “Also considered were several detrimental side effects, including decreased motivation and increased risk of anxiety and/or depression."
And, so, it’s back to the drawing board for Angelo in her search of a harmless remedy for singlehood. Meanwhile, to Strickland’s pleasant surprise, there may be a possibility that he’ll be approved for off-label use, to treat severe schizophrenia. “Apparently I may help with paranoid delusions,” he said. “Who knew?"
Angelo herself, however, is not holding out hope for a new and improved version of Strickland and, instead, is making use of time-tested home remedies for loneliness. “There are a lot of good ones – hibiscus tea, aromatherapy, word puzzles, and mystery novels,” she said. “They’ll get me through until something better comes along.”


thespoof--2020-01-27--Nashville Woman Proudly Judges Others by Their Descriptions of Musical Preferences

“ It ’ s not so much what they like but how they describe it that matters , ” said Lucinda Kellogg of Nashville , Tennessee , who proudly judges others based on how they characterize their musical preferences .
“ In other words , form over content .
The point is the attitude.
” Kellogg went on to explain that while someone might profess a fondness for genuinely awesome music or music that , while not her own personal favorite , she can intellectually respect and appreciate , she is immediately turned off if that person is overly pretentious @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his or her delivery .
“ For instance , so many people will say that they love country music - but then they feel the need to rush in and clarify that , by ‘ country ’ , they mean old or classic country , not mainstream pop country .
And then they ’ ll go on to list a bunch of obvious names that everyone knows and loves – Willie , Dolly , Waylon , Johnny .
I mean , come on .
It ’ s so condescending . ''
She smiled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , if it requires an explanation , there 's a problem.
” Kellogg also instantly condemns those who claim to be so diverse and multi-faceted in their musical preferences that they can not even begin to answer the question as to what sort of music they enjoy .
“ Those sorts of people usually roll their eyes and flip their hair dismissively , ” she said .
“ The guys always have long hair.
” Rolling her own eyes , Kellogg added , “ Again , come on .
I ’ m generally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me a bone .
It ’ s not like I really care.
” By contrast , Kellogg immediately warms to anyone who begins his or her answer to the favorite-music inquiry with , “ Well , this is a little embarrassing , but… ” “ Vulnerability is so powerful , ” she noted .
Another response that Kellogg appreciates is a thoughtful , “ You know , lately I ’ ve gotten really into… ” “ Specifics , ’ she said .
“ That ’ s what it ’ s all about .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ own standards , Kellogg applies the same rules when responding to a question about the type of music she herself loves .
“ I begin by telling them the last song I ’ ve listened to , no matter how representative or not I think it is , ” she said .
“ Just to keep things real – and keep myself honest.
” She smiled .
“ And I usually feel a need to throw in some sort of reference to Led Zeppelin .
I know , I know , it ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say .
I ’ m old school.
” Overall , Kellogg says that she feels confident in her system for rating others ' personal worth , which has enabled her to avoid some real posers .
“ Everyone in Nashville judges others by the music they listen to , but I bring a level of nuance that ’ s often overlooked , '' she said .
`` I think I 've pretty much nailed it . ''
And in case you were wondering - and to keep things `` real '' - what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kellogg has listened to ?
Kellogg 's eyes promptly misted over .
`` That would be 'Spirit of the Radio . '
Oh , Neal .
We 'll miss you . ''

“It’s not so much what they like but how they describe it that matters,” said Lucinda Kellogg of Nashville, Tennessee, who proudly judges others based on how they characterize their musical preferences. “In other words, form over content. The point is the attitude.”
Kellogg went on to explain that while someone might profess a fondness for genuinely awesome music or music that, while not her own personal favorite, she can intellectually respect and appreciate, she is immediately turned off if that person is overly pretentious or, even worse, smug in his or her delivery.
“For instance, so many people will say that they love country music - but then they feel the need to rush in and clarify that, by ‘country’, they mean old or classic country, not mainstream pop country. And then they’ll go on to list a bunch of obvious names that everyone knows and loves – Willie, Dolly, Waylon, Johnny. I mean, come on. It’s so condescending."
She smiled and shook her head. "Honestly, if it requires an explanation, there's a problem.”
Kellogg also instantly condemns those who claim to be so diverse and multi-faceted in their musical preferences that they cannot even begin to answer the question as to what sort of music they enjoy. “Those sorts of people usually roll their eyes and flip their hair dismissively,” she said. “The guys always have long hair.”
Rolling her own eyes, Kellogg added, “Again, come on. I’m generally only asking to be friendly. Throw me a bone. It’s not like I really care.”
By contrast, Kellogg immediately warms to anyone who begins his or her answer to the favorite-music inquiry with, “Well, this is a little embarrassing, but…”
“Vulnerability is so powerful,” she noted.
Another response that Kellogg appreciates is a thoughtful, “You know, lately I’ve gotten really into…”
“Specifics,’ she said. “That’s what it’s all about. Love it.”
Diligently keeping to her own standards, Kellogg applies the same rules when responding to a question about the type of music she herself loves. “I begin by telling them the last song I’ve listened to, no matter how representative or not I think it is,” she said. “Just to keep things real – and keep myself honest.”
She smiled. “And I usually feel a need to throw in some sort of reference to Led Zeppelin. I know, I know, it’s cliché. But what can I say. I’m old school.”
Overall, Kellogg says that she feels confident in her system for rating others' personal worth, which has enabled her to avoid some real posers. “Everyone in Nashville judges others by the music they listen to, but I bring a level of nuance that’s often overlooked," she said. "I think I've pretty much nailed it."
And in case you were wondering - and to keep things "real" - what’s the most recent song that Kellogg has listened to?
Kellogg's eyes promptly misted over. "That would be 'Spirit of the Radio.' Oh, Neal. We'll miss you."


thespoof--2020-01-27--Fossil Democrats Galvanize Geriatrics

Fossil Democrats Galvanize Geriatrics

The senile and enfeebled are whooping it up while Democratic Presidential candidates get wheeled across hustings on their respective campaign trails .
Jo Biden ( 77 ) , Bernie Sanders ( 78 ) , and Eizabeth Warren ( 70 ) , though confused and doddering , have awoken new hope among the old and infirm in the USA .
Brad Chase ( 98 ) of Ohio was over the moon .
`` Sanders is my man .
At 78 he 's a bit juvenile but he 'll learn .
Trillions better than that whippersnapper Trump .
He 's only 73 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ know about life ?
?
Greenhorn !
! ''
His neighbor at the 'Home ' , Betty Long ( 112 ) , wiped the dribble from her chin .
`` It 's good .
That Warren woman .
It 's good .
OK , she 's only 70 , still a newbie , but I think a young woman as President would do the country good .
We were young once ... '' Pete Buttigieg ( 38 ) agreed , the best was to step down .
`` No chance , '' he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remover and pouring acid over my cheeks .
But I just ca n't get that dull ancient complexion .
Also , the TV clashes are becoming ridiculous .
I was asked about my time in the Afghanistan War , and then Sanders was asked about his time in the Civil War .
Biden forgot his own name and had to take a leak every 5 minutes , while Warren either shouted at the camera or was knitting socks for her grandchildren .
They all have rocking chairs behind their podiums for when they @ @ @ @ @ @ @ economic and social plans .
Forget it ... '' On the 'other ' side , William Weld ( 74 ) confirmed his ambition to contest against Trump and become Republican champion , hoping to bring back the charm of Abraham Lincoln , whom he claims to have met when he was a child .
Interviewers pointed out that Lincoln died over 150 years ago .
`` I know , '' said Weld , `` I lied about my age ...
I keep fit .
I play a lot of golf . ''
Meanwhile @ @ @ @ @ @ @ House of Representatives , who will be 80 in March , was laid-back about her plans .
`` I have plenty of time .
Maybe I 'll run in 10 years or so .
Who knows ?
America certainly needs fresh blood and new vision .
And that 's me down to a T ... ''

The senile and enfeebled are whooping it up while Democratic Presidential candidates get wheeled across hustings on their respective campaign trails.
Jo Biden (77), Bernie Sanders (78), and Eizabeth Warren (70), though confused and doddering, have awoken new hope among the old and infirm in the USA.
Brad Chase (98) of Ohio was over the moon. "Sanders is my man. At 78 he's a bit juvenile but he'll learn. Trillions better than that whippersnapper Trump. He's only 73. C'mon!! What can he know about life?? Greenhorn!!"
His neighbor at the 'Home', Betty Long (112), wiped the dribble from her chin. "It's good. That Warren woman. It's good. OK, she's only 70, still a newbie, but I think a young woman as President would do the country good. We were young once..."
Pete Buttigieg (38) agreed, the best was to step down. "No chance," he confirmed. "I've tried hair remover and pouring acid over my cheeks. But I just can't get that dull ancient complexion. Also, the TV clashes are becoming ridiculous. I was asked about my time in the Afghanistan War, and then Sanders was asked about his time in the Civil War. Biden forgot his own name and had to take a leak every 5 minutes, while Warren either shouted at the camera or was knitting socks for her grandchildren. They all have rocking chairs behind their podiums for when they're off-screen. I have nothing but economic and social plans. Forget it..."
On the 'other' side, William Weld (74) confirmed his ambition to contest against Trump and become Republican champion, hoping to bring back the charm of Abraham Lincoln, whom he claims to have met when he was a child. Interviewers pointed out that Lincoln died over 150 years ago. "I know," said Weld, "I lied about my age...I keep fit. I play a lot of golf."
Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House of Representatives, who will be 80 in March, was laid-back about her plans. "I have plenty of time. Maybe I'll run in 10 years or so. Who knows? America certainly needs fresh blood and new vision. And that's me down to a T..."


thespoof--2020-01-28--President Trump Diagnosed With Coronavirus

The White House is on a full-scale alert this morning after medical staff were called to attend to President Donald Trump last night , when the US leader experienced a 20-minute coughing fit .
He was given a full medical check-up , and found to be suffering from the Coronavirus .
Since entering Mr Trump 's body , the virus has quickly mutated into something that scientists are finding it hard to keep track of .
It 's almost as if it is in a state of perpetual mutation .
Around 8pm last night , Mr Trump told an aide @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and was seen to be rather red-faced .
He also said he had a sore throat and a headache .
At this stage , it was thought he was probably suffering from a mild case of Winter 'Flu .
Later , however , Trump could be heard coughing repeatedly , and relentlessly .
When this went on for more than 15 minutes , staff asked him if he needed any help .
It was then he told them he was having some trouble catching his breath , and a doctor was called .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ 10 minutes , and Trump given a thorough inspection .
At 10pm , it was decided that the President had , somehow , managed to contract the Coronavirus , and he was put in isolation .
And that 's where he should be kept .

The White House is on a full-scale alert this morning after medical staff were called to attend to President Donald Trump last night, when the US leader experienced a 20-minute coughing fit.
He was given a full medical check-up, and found to be suffering from the Coronavirus.
Since entering Mr Trump's body, the virus has quickly mutated into something that scientists are finding it hard to keep track of. It's almost as if it is in a state of perpetual mutation.
Around 8pm last night, Mr Trump told an aide he was feeling a little feverish, and was seen to be rather red-faced. He also said he had a sore throat and a headache. At this stage, it was thought he was probably suffering from a mild case of Winter 'Flu.
Later, however, Trump could be heard coughing repeatedly, and relentlessly. When this went on for more than 15 minutes, staff asked him if he needed any help. It was then he told them he was having some trouble catching his breath, and a doctor was called.
The doctor was on the scene in 10 minutes, and Trump given a thorough inspection.
At 10pm, it was decided that the President had, somehow, managed to contract the Coronavirus, and he was put in isolation.
And that's where he should be kept.


thespoof--2020-01-28--Retro Rock Group Trump Airplane Crashes like Boeing 737 in San Francisco

Fed up with the liberal political activism espoused by many musicians , neoconservative retro rock group Trump Airplane took it upon itself to croon about what it considers traditional American values , only to crash like a Boeing 737 , the defective airplane that was finally grounded after two mechanical failures within a matter of months resulted in the death of 346 passengers , at the band 's debut in San Francisco .
`` We were sure our tune 'White Rabbi ' would be a huge crowd-pleaser , given how pro-Israel Americans are , '' said Trump Airplane frontman , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new single , which tells the poignant tale of a Caucasian Israeli man of faith who sees the light about Jesus and converts to Christianity , bucking the corruptive influence of Moslems in nearby Palestine .
`` We were certain we had a hit on our hands . ''
Unfortunately , the audience response to 'White Rabbi '' at Trump Airplane 's breakout show in San Francisco was to boo the band off stage in a frenzy of indignation over their alleged white supremacist stance - allegations which Cantor vehemently denies .
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
`` We 're not saying that 's necessarily better .
We 're just keeping true to reality . ''
He shook his head and added , `` it 's just a song , for God 's sake .
Literally for God 's sake . ''
Nevertheless , Trump Airplane has rallied following the San Francisco debacle and pledges to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of any future plane crashes .
And , even more excitingly , the band has been offered a potentially career-defining gig at an extra-special upcoming @ @ @ @ @ @ @ event actually happens .
`` President Trump asked us to play at his inauguration , '' said Cantor .
`` We could n't be more honored . ''

Fed up with the liberal political activism espoused by many musicians, neoconservative retro rock group Trump Airplane took it upon itself to croon about what it considers traditional American values, only to crash like a Boeing 737, the defective airplane that was finally grounded after two mechanical failures within a matter of months resulted in the death of 346 passengers, at the band's debut in San Francisco.
"We were sure our tune 'White Rabbi' would be a huge crowd-pleaser, given how pro-Israel Americans are," said Trump Airplane frontman, Saul Cantor, discussing the band's new single, which tells the poignant tale of a Caucasian Israeli man of faith who sees the light about Jesus and converts to Christianity, bucking the corruptive influence of Moslems in nearby Palestine. "We were certain we had a hit on our hands."
Unfortunately, the audience response to 'White Rabbi" at Trump Airplane's breakout show in San Francisco was to boo the band off stage in a frenzy of indignation over their alleged white supremacist stance - allegations which Cantor vehemently denies.
"Most rabbis are white," he said. "We're not saying that's necessarily better. We're just keeping true to reality."
He shook his head and added, "it's just a song, for God's sake. Literally for God's sake."
Nevertheless, Trump Airplane has rallied following the San Francisco debacle and pledges to rise like a phoenix from the ashes of any future plane crashes. And, even more excitingly, the band has been offered a potentially career-defining gig at an extra-special upcoming event in January 2021 - provided the event actually happens.
"President Trump asked us to play at his inauguration," said Cantor. "We couldn't be more honored."


thespoof--2020-01-29--Looking Glass War: Putin To Allow Bolton To Testify In Impeachment Trial

BILLINGSGATE POST : The wings of the hummingbird fluttering outside the window of John Bolton ’ s Washington office were squeaking , not humming .
Bolton awoke from his brown Naugahyde BarcaLounger with a start .
A workman with a can of WD-90 approached the ersatz bird with caution .
Spraying a fine line of the lubricant on the joint immediate to the fuselage of the bird provided instant relief to the distressed coupling .
But it was too late .
Spy vs Spy chronicles had referred to this phenomena during the Cold War as the Quasimodo Effect .
Unknown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Bolton used these hummingbirds to pass messages to drop-spots usually frequented by carrier pigeons .
In these clandestine operations , they were known as “ hummingbird drops.
” Not a fool , Bolton bore-sighted his Remington Model 870 pump-action shotgun at the unsuspecting hummingbird .
“ That sum b*tch is mine , ” chortled the little man hiding behind the greying mustache .
Eschewing his blue and white seersucker suit for a more comfortable standard issue Dickies Short Sleeve Mechanics Coveralls , the bi-swing back and elastic waist inserts allowed a generous @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the perfect uniform for his mission .
Pumping the 12-gauge , small artillery piece like a demented chipmunk , he fired round after round of birdshot into the hovering hummingbird , until only the wires and microphone were left dangling in the wind .
John Bolton was perceived as a “ Hawk ” by his enemies .
He was not happy with Trump .
In fact , he couldn ’ t understand why the President didn ’ t nuke Iran just for target practice .
But this was just a show for the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years ago when Vladimir Putin promised him a dacha with hot and cold running water outside Moscow .
All he had to do was undermine President Trump anyway he could .
Slim : “ I ’ ll bet the little bastard will spill the beans on the Trumpster.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
I would like to address this issue epistemologically when I have more data .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: The wings of the hummingbird fluttering outside the window of John Bolton’s Washington office were squeaking, not humming. Bolton awoke from his brown Naugahyde BarcaLounger with a start. A workman with a can of WD-90 approached the ersatz bird with caution. Spraying a fine line of the lubricant on the joint immediate to the fuselage of the bird provided instant relief to the distressed coupling. But it was too late.
Spy vs Spy chronicles had referred to this phenomena during the Cold War as the Quasimodo Effect. Unknown to even Kremlinologists high in the CIA, Bolton used these hummingbirds to pass messages to drop-spots usually frequented by carrier pigeons. In these clandestine operations, they were known as “hummingbird drops.”
Not a fool, Bolton bore-sighted his Remington Model 870 pump-action shotgun at the unsuspecting hummingbird.
“That sum b*tch is mine,” chortled the little man hiding behind the greying mustache. Eschewing his blue and white seersucker suit for a more comfortable standard issue Dickies Short Sleeve Mechanics Coveralls, the bi-swing back and elastic waist inserts allowed a generous fit in the shoulders and chest; the perfect uniform for his mission.
Pumping the 12-gauge, small artillery piece like a demented chipmunk, he fired round after round of birdshot into the hovering hummingbird, until only the wires and microphone were left dangling in the wind.
John Bolton was perceived as a “Hawk” by his enemies. He was not happy with Trump. In fact, he couldn’t understand why the President didn’t nuke Iran just for target practice. But this was just a show for the conniving Bolshevik. He had crossed over years ago when Vladimir Putin promised him a dacha with hot and cold running water outside Moscow. All he had to do was undermine President Trump anyway he could.
Slim: “I’ll bet the little bastard will spill the beans on the Trumpster.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. I would like to address this issue epistemologically when I have more data.”


thespoof--2020-01-29--Gestation Crates Approved for Human Use

Gestation Crates Approved for Human Use

For new mothers seeking to give their offspring the health benefits of breast milk without having to get too close , gestation crates , commonly used in pork production , have now been approved for human use .
`` It 's perfect , '' said new mom Kim Lowell , who utilizes her two-and-a-half-by-seven-foot stall to take a load off her aching feet , and lounge on her side , while her infant son , Wes , breastfeeds through metal bars .
`` It 's never too early to start training children not to be codependent . ''
Of course @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their entire lives in stalls too small for them to even turn around , Lowell has the luxury of leaving her gestation crate anytime she chooses .
`` I do n't spend a lot of time there , '' she said .
`` A few hours a day , while I 'm feeding Wes .
But it 's invaluable for the additional freedom it gives me .
This way , I can use my phone without having to worry about him trying to crawl all over me . ''
She shuddered .
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , I love my son .
But it 's nice to get a break . ''
While the animal rights community has been working to ban the use of gestation crates for farmed hogs , on the basis that they are unconscionably cruel , no such pushback is expected with regard to human gestation crates .
Kenneth Sullivan , CEO of Smithfield , the world 's largest pork producer , claims that gestation crates offer new mothers a handy way of setting healthy boundaries with their babies .
`` And women seem to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ `` Which works out well for us , since it means there will be a market for our crates if we ever stop using them for hogs .
It 's a win-win - which is what good business is all about . ''

For new mothers seeking to give their offspring the health benefits of breast milk without having to get too close, gestation crates, commonly used in pork production, have now been approved for human use.
"It's perfect," said new mom Kim Lowell, who utilizes her two-and-a-half-by-seven-foot stall to take a load off her aching feet, and lounge on her side, while her infant son, Wes, breastfeeds through metal bars. "It's never too early to start training children not to be codependent."
Of course, unlike female pigs forced to live their entire lives in stalls too small for them to even turn around, Lowell has the luxury of leaving her gestation crate anytime she chooses. "I don't spend a lot of time there," she said. "A few hours a day, while I'm feeding Wes. But it's invaluable for the additional freedom it gives me. This way, I can use my phone without having to worry about him trying to crawl all over me." She shuddered. "Ick. Don't get me wrong, I love my son. But it's nice to get a break."
While the animal rights community has been working to ban the use of gestation crates for farmed hogs, on the basis that they are unconscionably cruel, no such pushback is expected with regard to human gestation crates.
Kenneth Sullivan, CEO of Smithfield, the world's largest pork producer, claims that gestation crates offer new mothers a handy way of setting healthy boundaries with their babies. "And women seem to love them," said Sullivan. "Which works out well for us, since it means there will be a market for our crates if we ever stop using them for hogs. It's a win-win - which is what good business is all about."


thespoof--2020-01-29--Prince Andrew blames his refusal to help US Attorney on “those pesky sweat glands”

Buckingham Palace was under the spotlight again today , as US Attorney , Geoffrey Berman , said at a news conference that the Prince had so far given `` zero cooperation '' with the Jeffrey Epstein sex crimes investigation .
The Prince had previously promised to help any law enforcement agencies .
But , in an interview with the BBC , the 59-year-old son of the Queen , who also holds the title , Duke of York , blamed his unavailability on his sweat glands , which , he claims , were damaged during the Falklands War .
“ This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ broken man , and completely unable to sweat , ” he remarked , tears streaming from his cheeks as he recounted his heroism during the 1982 conflict between Britain and Argentina .
“ This condition prevents me from travelling abroad , except to visit friends .
So , you see , I really AM co-operating fully.
” Friends of the Prince have supported him , with several confirming that he does travel abroad to visit them , exactly as he says .
However , medical experts Ant and Dec , have commented that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ able to sweat , doesn ’ t prevent overseas travel .
Further , one young woman has claimed that Prince Andrew “ sweated like a pig when he shagged me the other day ” .

Buckingham Palace was under the spotlight again today, as US Attorney, Geoffrey Berman, said at a news conference that the Prince had so far given "zero cooperation" with the Jeffrey Epstein sex crimes investigation. The Prince had previously promised to help any law enforcement agencies.
But, in an interview with the BBC, the 59-year-old son of the Queen, who also holds the title, Duke of York, blamed his unavailability on his sweat glands, which, he claims, were damaged during the Falklands War. “This catastrophic war injury has left me a broken man, and completely unable to sweat,” he remarked, tears streaming from his cheeks as he recounted his heroism during the 1982 conflict between Britain and Argentina. “This condition prevents me from travelling abroad, except to visit friends. So, you see, I really AM co-operating fully.”
Friends of the Prince have supported him, with several confirming that he does travel abroad to visit them, exactly as he says.
However, medical experts Ant and Dec, have commented that Anhidrosis, the condition of not being able to sweat, doesn’t prevent overseas travel. Further, one young woman has claimed that Prince Andrew “sweated like a pig when he shagged me the other day”.


thespoof--2020-01-30--Nashville Man Dons Cloak of Happiness

Nashville Man Dons Cloak of Happiness

After decades of sporting a downtrodden expression and generally gloomy air , Nate Brigsby of Nashville , Tennessee , decided to switch up his go-to emotional garment , and , instead , don a cloak of happiness each day .
`` It 's figurative , '' he explained .
`` Not an actual cloak .
That would be a little weird . ''
According to Brigsby , he realized that the convenience of not having to decide what to emotionally wear every day and simply grabbing the easiest option available , his well-worn cloak of depression , had become outweighed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in his life .
At the same time , though , he still did n't want to have to figure out what to emotionally wear every day .
And , so , he decided to implement a new `` feelings uniform '' in the form of a cloak of happiness .
`` I like to call it the 'joy jacket ' for short , '' said Brigsby .
`` That makes it seem less intimidating . ''
In addition , beneath his 'joy jacket ' , Brigsby generally dons a base layer of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feel that much more comfortable .
`` It 's a nice buffer in case the fabric of life gets a little rough , '' he said .
According to Brigsby , while initially a bit stiff , his new cloak of happiness was soon broken in and quickly became one of his favorite garments - and one he now feels quite comfortable wearing .
`` I would recommend it to anyone seeking to get a little boost or just mix things up , '' he said .
And what has become of his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was going to donate it to Goodwill , but it was so raggedy I did n't want to impose it on anyone else , '' he said .
`` Some things are best discarded . ''

After decades of sporting a downtrodden expression and generally gloomy air, Nate Brigsby of Nashville, Tennessee, decided to switch up his go-to emotional garment, and, instead, don a cloak of happiness each day.
"It's figurative," he explained. "Not an actual cloak. That would be a little weird."
According to Brigsby, he realized that the convenience of not having to decide what to emotionally wear every day and simply grabbing the easiest option available, his well-worn cloak of depression, had become outweighed by the lack of fun and spontaneity in his life. At the same time, though, he still didn't want to have to figure out what to emotionally wear every day. And, so, he decided to implement a new "feelings uniform" in the form of a cloak of happiness.
"I like to call it the 'joy jacket' for short," said Brigsby. "That makes it seem less intimidating."
In addition, beneath his 'joy jacket', Brigsby generally dons a base layer of gratitude, which makes any outer garment feel that much more comfortable.
"It's a nice buffer in case the fabric of life gets a little rough," he said.
According to Brigsby, while initially a bit stiff, his new cloak of happiness was soon broken in and quickly became one of his favorite garments - and one he now feels quite comfortable wearing.
"I would recommend it to anyone seeking to get a little boost or just mix things up," he said.
And what has become of his old cloak of depression?
"I was going to donate it to Goodwill, but it was so raggedy I didn't want to impose it on anyone else," he said. "Some things are best discarded."


thespoof--2020-02-04--DNC rule changes considered urgent as Bernie surges

With results from the Iowa primary still unclear , the DNC has been reported in sufficient alarm over Bernie 's surge that something must be done .
A rule change to allow Mr. Bloomfield to enter the debates is one thing .
There is however some controversy , since the very rule that a candidate must raise so much cash before being allowed into the debates has caused former candidates who were excluded to be a little confused .
Further , Mr. Bloomfield has not needed to raise any contributions whatever since he 's dedicated two billion of his own @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can buy the DNC outright is another question .
Mr. Kerry has been overheard saying Bernie “ must be stopped , ” with the suggestion that he himself might try another run for the presidency .
This “ must be stopped ” sentiment apparently sees other candidates as inadequate to hold back the rising tide of popularity on which Mr. Sanders is riding .
Ms. Clinton , also , is at this time further humming and hawing ( and feeling `` an urge '' ) for a possible entry to the race , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ summer .
Further , the DNC is considering additional changes in the rules back to what pertained in 2016 .
This would allow super delegates into the first nominating ballot , not just further in to the process in case of an unclear leader getting the nomination .
Twitter and various social media are expressing serious alarm over these developments and at the by now transparent enmity of the Democrats for one of its own candidates for the nomination .
Bernie may be on the side of millions cheering him on in what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ But this is not what the Democratic Party is all about , ” stated Mr. Obama recently .
“ The banking industry and titans of the corporations , such as Amazon 's Mr. Bezos , certainly do not want to see any kind of regression toward their paying more taxes , ” he further explained .
“ In such a situation I suggest a compromise .
First , yes , do put me on the Supreme Court , and the best way for that to happen is to get Hillary back into @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to have wept at this development while summoning her resolve to step back into command of the DNC this summer .

With results from the Iowa primary still unclear, the DNC has been reported in sufficient alarm over Bernie's surge that something must be done.
A rule change to allow Mr. Bloomfield to enter the debates is one thing.
There is however some controversy, since the very rule that a candidate must raise so much cash before being allowed into the debates has caused former candidates who were excluded to be a little confused.
Further, Mr. Bloomfield has not needed to raise any contributions whatever since he's dedicated two billion of his own riches to the quest.
Whether he can buy the DNC outright is another question.
Mr. Kerry has been overheard saying Bernie “must be stopped,” with the suggestion that he himself might try another run for the presidency.
This “must be stopped” sentiment apparently sees other candidates as inadequate to hold back the rising tide of popularity on which Mr. Sanders is riding.
Ms. Clinton, also, is at this time further humming and hawing (and feeling "an urge") for a possible entry to the race, as late as the nominating convention this summer.
Further, the DNC is considering additional changes in the rules back to what pertained in 2016.
This would allow super delegates into the first nominating ballot, not just further in to the process in case of an unclear leader getting the nomination.
Twitter and various social media are expressing serious alarm over these developments and at the by now transparent enmity of the Democrats for one of its own candidates for the nomination.
Why?
Bernie may be on the side of millions cheering him on in what Mr. Sanders calls a class struggle, “But this is not what the Democratic Party is all about,” stated Mr. Obama recently.
“The banking industry and titans of the corporations, such as Amazon's Mr. Bezos, certainly do not want to see any kind of regression toward their paying more taxes,” he further explained.
“In such a situation I suggest a compromise. First, yes, do put me on the Supreme Court, and the best way for that to happen is to get Hillary back into the race.”
Ms. Clinton is reported to have wept at this development while summoning her resolve to step back into command of the DNC this summer.


thespoof--2020-02-04--Adam Schiff offers himself instead of Alaska as trade item to Russia

The New York Times has reported that , following Mr. Schiff 's peroration at the end of Mr. Trump 's impeachment trial yesterday , he left the dais with tears in his eyes .
His muttering as he stepped away has been translated that he will make a heroic sacrifice instead of allowing Mr. Trump to continue on willy-nilly with abuses of power against This Great Nation .
Moments before he had stated : “ Trump could offer Alaska to the Russians in exchange for support in the next election , or decide to move to Mar-a-Lago permanently and let @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to him the decision whether to go to war.
” “ Because these things are not necessarily criminal , this argument would allow that he could not be impeached for such abuse of power.
” With `` this argument '' Mr. Schiff was apparently alluding to the Republican view that the phone call with Zelensky did not amount to an impeachable offense .
To one side Mr. Nadler was overheard saying , “ Adam , Adam , Adam ” -- a response to Mr. Schiff 's saying “ Jerry , Jerry , Jerry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Mr .
Kushner running the country ?
And of course who runs him but the nitwit Ivanka !
” “ I am not sure Mr. Trump would confine himself to Alaska in a trade with The Evil Empire .
He may even consider giving away my own home state of California , plus Hawaii , and a few other places.
” “ We have continuing reports that Mr. Trump and Putin continually talk about revising diplomacies with Russia , including ( must I say it ? )
a trade of Hillary Clinton @ @ @ @ @ @ @ -- for concessions in policy for the middle east.
” “ Has the Democratic Party come to this ?
Standing by while this rogue president assaults and picks apart our nation piece by piece ?
” Ms. Pelosi was observed at this point with glazed eyes , but there has been no suggestion of her doing anything improper in the cloakroom just prior .
Mr. Nadler was cracking his knuckles and revolving a fidget-spinner on his right bicep .
Then came Mr. Schiff 's final appeal as he left the dais : “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stretcher instead of Alaska , Hillary , or anyone else !
I am ready to be bound and trussed as needed !
” The New York Times is recommending Mr. Schiff be awarded The Nobel Peace Prize for 2020 , or at the very least Time 's person of the year .

The New York Times has reported that, following Mr. Schiff's peroration at the end of Mr. Trump's impeachment trial yesterday, he left the dais with tears in his eyes.
His muttering as he stepped away has been translated that he will make a heroic sacrifice instead of allowing Mr. Trump to continue on willy-nilly with abuses of power against This Great Nation.
Moments before he had stated:
“Trump could offer Alaska to the Russians in exchange for support in the next election, or decide to move to Mar-a-Lago permanently and let Jared Kushner run the country, delegating to him the decision whether to go to war.”
Mr. Schiff further argued:
“Because these things are not necessarily criminal, this argument would allow that he could not be impeached for such abuse of power.”
With "this argument" Mr. Schiff was apparently alluding to the Republican view that the phone call with Zelensky did not amount to an impeachable offense.
To one side Mr. Nadler was overheard saying, “Adam, Adam, Adam”--a response to Mr. Schiff's saying “Jerry, Jerry, Jerry” last Friday at the hearings.
Mr. Schiff went further:
“Mr. Kushner running the country? And of course who runs him but the nitwit Ivanka!”
Further:
“I am not sure Mr. Trump would confine himself to Alaska in a trade with The Evil Empire. He may even consider giving away my own home state of California, plus Hawaii, and a few other places.”
“We have continuing reports that Mr. Trump and Putin continually talk about revising diplomacies with Russia, including (must I say it?) a trade of Hillary Clinton bound and gagged on a blue stretcher--for concessions in policy for the middle east.”
“Has the Democratic Party come to this? Standing by while this rogue president assaults and picks apart our nation piece by piece?”
Ms. Pelosi was observed at this point with glazed eyes, but there has been no suggestion of her doing anything improper in the cloakroom just prior.
Mr. Nadler was cracking his knuckles and revolving a fidget-spinner on his right bicep.
Then came Mr. Schiff's final appeal as he left the dais:
“No! Take me on the blue stretcher instead of Alaska, Hillary, or anyone else! I am ready to be bound and trussed as needed!”
The New York Times is recommending Mr. Schiff be awarded The Nobel Peace Prize for 2020, or at the very least Time's person of the year.


thespoof--2020-02-04--Michael Avenatti Appears at Press Conference in New Hampshire and Declares Victory in Iowa Caucus

Concord , New Hampshire - Attorney Michael Avenatti appeared at a hastily-called news conference at the New Hampshire State Capitol @ @ @ @ @ victor of yesterday 's Iowa Caucus , and vowed to capture the Democratic nomination for @ @ @ @ @ observers noted , was wearing an ankle monitoring device , flew in last night from @ @ @ @ @ awaiting trial on several Federal and State charges related to his representation of Stormy Daniels @ @ @ @ @ `` Our campaign has struck a nerve with the electorate , especially after the upcoming @ @ @ @ @ the Senate , '' said Avenatti to the assembled array of reporters .
`` Why @ @ @ @ @ who uses taxpayer funds to bribe foreign governments , and pays porn stars to keep @ @ @ @ @ have me in the White House ? ''
he explained to the puzzled group .
@ @ @ @ @ take New Hampshire , and then it 's on to Nevada and South Carolina !
@

Concord, New Hampshire - Attorney Michael Avenatti appeared at a hastily-called news conference at the New Hampshire State Capitol building, declared himself the victor of yesterday's Iowa Caucus, and vowed to capture the Democratic nomination for president.
Avenatti, who observers noted, was wearing an ankle monitoring device, flew in last night from California, where he is awaiting trial on several Federal and State charges related to his representation of Stormy Daniels and other high-profile clients.
"Our campaign has struck a nerve with the electorate, especially after the upcoming dismissal of Donald Trump by the Senate," said Avenatti to the assembled array of reporters. "Why fool around with a president who uses taxpayer funds to bribe foreign governments, and pays porn stars to keep quiet, when you can have me in the White House?" he explained to the puzzled group. "We're going to take New Hampshire, and then it's on to Nevada and South Carolina!"


thespoof--2020-02-04--Trump Allegedly Had The Democratic Iowa Primary Election Hacked

DES MOINES , Iowa – An unnamed source is reporting that an unnamed source is alleging that President Trump has had a hand in what many are calling “ The Big Iowa Primary Mess From Hell.
” An individual who will be simply known as “ Simple Simon ” says that he is 98.1 % sure that the man known as “ The Divider-In-Chief ” had one of three countries hack the “ Corn Cob State ” primary elections .
He revealed that the three countries are North Korea , Russia , and Bolivia .
Reports are that people in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and so stressed out that many are not even able to eat breakfast .
One lifelong Iowa resident , Baxter “ Bubba ” Buckthorn , 76 , of Waterloo , said , “ I usually eat four eggs , four strips of bacon , cornbread , and corn pudding at 7 am , and here it is , already 9:15 am , and I haven ’ t been able to even eat a little bite.
” He went on to say that his wife of 54 years , Elvira Jo , 72 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 2:35 this morning .
The Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that President Trump was asked about the rumor that he had the election process tampered with .
He turned as orange as an orange and said , “ Look , loser , for one thing , I have never even been to Iowa .
And secondly , I can not stand to eat corn .
It gives me lots and lots of gas , and it makes my hair smell like reindeer sweat .
”

DES MOINES, Iowa – An unnamed source is reporting that an unnamed source is alleging that President Trump has had a hand in what many are calling “The Big Iowa Primary Mess From Hell.”
An individual who will be simply known as “Simple Simon” says that he is 98.1% sure that the man known as “The Divider-In-Chief” had one of three countries hack the “Corn Cob State” primary elections. He revealed that the three countries are North Korea, Russia, and Bolivia.
Reports are that people in Iowa are so confused, so upset, and so stressed out that many are not even able to eat breakfast. One lifelong Iowa resident, Baxter “Bubba” Buckthorn, 76, of Waterloo, said, “I usually eat four eggs, four strips of bacon, cornbread, and corn pudding at 7 am, and here it is, already 9:15 am, and I haven’t been able to even eat a little bite.” He went on to say that his wife of 54 years, Elvira Jo, 72, hasn’t stop crying since 2:35 this morning.
The Vox Populi News Agency is reporting that President Trump was asked about the rumor that he had the election process tampered with. He turned as orange as an orange and said, “Look, loser, for one thing, I have never even been to Iowa. And secondly, I cannot stand to eat corn. It gives me lots and lots of gas, and it makes my hair smell like reindeer sweat.”
(IN CLOSING – When asked about North Korea possibly being involved in hacking the Iowa election, King Jong Un remarked, “I have never ever been to Iowa and also, I am much too busy making Intercontinental Missiles to mess with a puny American primary election." When Putin was asked the same question, he laughed, took a swig of his glass of vodka and simply said, “I swear you Americans are so, so easy to fool. Every day, when I speak to Trumpski on the phone we both laugh our asses off.)


thespoof--2020-02-05--Ivanka Trump, 38, Talks About Her Childhood Allowance and Her Daddy’s Kisses

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Donald Trump ’ s first of two daughters recently talked with The Right Coast Revue regarding her childhood .
She told Asburn Wasabi that , unlike most 12-year-old girls who had a Barbie Doll , Ivanka said that she had 34 Barbie Dolls , including `` Nazi Barbie '' .
The nation ’ s first daughter recalled that , when she turned 16 , her daddy raised her weekly allowance from $ 85 a week to $ 2,000 a week .
Ivanka was asked about the fact that there was a rumor going around that the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at her 16th birthday party .
Ivanka blushed .
She took a drink of her Mango Margarita , and said , “ Well , truth be told , he did kiss me on the lips , but it was only for about 25 seconds or so.
” She then went on to say , “ My goodness , I mean , you know , it ’ s not like we dated or anything like that.
” Ivanka stood up and told Wasabi that the interview was over because she had to leave to @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Donald Trump’s first of two daughters recently talked with The Right Coast Revue regarding her childhood. She told Asburn Wasabi that, unlike most 12-year-old girls who had a Barbie Doll, Ivanka said that she had 34 Barbie Dolls, including "Nazi Barbie".
The nation’s first daughter recalled that, when she turned 16, her daddy raised her weekly allowance from $85 a week to $2,000 a week.
Ivanka was asked about the fact that there was a rumor going around that the president had kissed her on the mouth at her 16th birthday party.
Ivanka blushed. She took a drink of her Mango Margarita, and said, “Well, truth be told, he did kiss me on the lips, but it was only for about 25 seconds or so.”
She then went on to say, “My goodness, I mean, you know, it’s not like we dated or anything like that.” Ivanka stood up and told Wasabi that the interview was over because she had to leave to go get a bikini wax.
(IN CLOSING – Senator Lindsey Graham was asked what he thought about Nancy Pelosi’s new nickname for him “Sidesaddle” Graham. He giggled and said “Mrs. Pelosi can kiss my cute little Dixieland butt".)


thespoof--2020-02-05--Donald Trump’s State of The Union Address Contained 322 Lies, 322 Standing Ovations, and 61 Boos

WASHINGTON , D.C. – National Focus Magazine is calling President Trump ’ s State of The Union Address the most boring one since 1862 , when Abraham Lincoln delivered his and he talked about his top hat , the new $ 5 bill , his invention of Lincoln Logs , and his pennies collection .
President Trump stayed glued to his two teleprompters and at one point he said that he hated Big Mac ’ s .
Everyone , including Lindsey “ Prissy ” Graham , and Sean “ Scrotum Face ” Hannity knew that “ Old Little Fingers ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Big Macs .
Speaker of the House Nancy “ Cupcakes ” Pelosi could clearly be seen sitting behind POTUS and she actually mouthed the words “ that ’ s bullshit ” a total of 183 times .
An extremely bored Vice-President Mike “ Mr .
Firecracker ” Pence was seen playing Tic Tac Toe with himself and tweeting his wife that he was not going to let Pelosi touch him .
The president really excited the Republican senators , whose average age is 83 , when he spoke about Space Force .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me just say that there was no collusion and I plan for American astronauts to be the first humans to land on Mars , Jupiter , and the sun.
” Pelosi could clearly be seen whispering the words , “ Oh my goodness , you really are one F***ed up dipshit.
” IN CLOSING – After her husband ’ s speech was over , a visibly bored Melania reportedly said , “ Hey , someone please get me a friggin ’ beer .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – National Focus Magazine is calling President Trump’s State of The Union Address the most boring one since 1862, when Abraham Lincoln delivered his and he talked about his top hat, the new $5 bill, his invention of Lincoln Logs, and his pennies collection.
President Trump stayed glued to his two teleprompters and at one point he said that he hated Big Mac’s. Everyone, including Lindsey “Prissy” Graham, and Sean “Scrotum Face” Hannity knew that “Old Little Fingers’ clearly meant to say that he loved Big Macs.
Speaker of the House Nancy “Cupcakes” Pelosi could clearly be seen sitting behind POTUS and she actually mouthed the words “that’s bullshit” a total of 183 times.
An extremely bored Vice-President Mike “Mr. Firecracker” Pence was seen playing Tic Tac Toe with himself and tweeting his wife that he was not going to let Pelosi touch him.
The president really excited the Republican senators, whose average age is 83, when he spoke about Space Force. “Old Trumpelstilskin” said “And let me just say that there was no collusion and I plan for American astronauts to be the first humans to land on Mars, Jupiter, and the sun.”
Pelosi could clearly be seen whispering the words, “Oh my goodness, you really are one F***ed up dipshit.”
IN CLOSING – After her husband’s speech was over, a visibly bored Melania reportedly said, “Hey, someone please get me a friggin’ beer.”