thespoof--2020-08-10--A 4.9 Magnitude Earthquake Strikes Vermont

MONTPELIER , Vermont – ( Spoof News ) - The tiny New England state of Vermont was rocked by an @ @ @ @ @ the Richter scale .
Reports from state agencies say that no one was injured , @ @ @ @ @ of a mess all over the place .
Many grocery stores have broken eggs , @ @ @ @ @ , and damaged condoms scattered throughout the store .
A manager of one of the @ @ @ @ @ the place looked like it had been hit by an F-3 category tornado .
She @ @ @ @ @ slices , onion rings , and drinking straws strewn all over the floor .
She @ @ @ @ @ 's Whopper burger somehow ended up in his wife 's underwear .
And the Burger @ @ @ @ @ yet to be found .
BK is offering a $ 45 reward ; no questions @ @ @ @ @ that state-wide damages could end up somewhere up around the $ 93,000 mark .

MONTPELIER, Vermont – (Spoof News) - The tiny New England state of Vermont was rocked by an earthquake that measured 4.9 on the Richter scale.
Reports from state agencies say that no one was injured, but there is one hell of a mess all over the place.
Many grocery stores have broken eggs, spilt milk, sticky molasses, and damaged condoms scattered throughout the store.
A manager of one of the local Burger Kings said that the place looked like it had been hit by an F-3 category tornado.
She commented that there were pickle slices, onion rings, and drinking straws strewn all over the floor.
She said that one elderly man's Whopper burger somehow ended up in his wife's underwear.
And the Burger King drive-thru window microphone has yet to be found. BK is offering a $45 reward; no questions asked.
Early reports are that state-wide damages could end up somewhere up around the $93,000 mark.


thespoof--2020-08-10--President Trump Wants To Add His Likeness To Mount Rushmore

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - President Trump recently met with Kellyanne Conway and Eric Trump about possibly having his likeness added to Mount Rushmore .
Kellyanne stated that she could not think of a more deserving individual .
Eric replied that he thought that it was the greatest idea that his daddy had ever had , even better than paying Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal tons of money to develop amnesia .
When Ivanka heard about it she reportedly did four somersaults in the Oval Office .
A White House insider stated that when POTUS told @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with great presidents like Georgie Washington , Abe Lincoln , Tommy Jefferson , and Ted Roosevelt , she just shook her head in disbelief .
When the President asked her what she thought about his idea , she asked him where the hell he expected the tens of millions of dollars to pay for his latest pipe dream to come from .
The President shot her a look , and replied , “ Melly , I will take the money from three places : the Social Security Department , the Wounded Veterans Bureau @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ''

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - President Trump recently met with Kellyanne Conway and Eric Trump about possibly having his likeness added to Mount Rushmore.
Kellyanne stated that she could not think of a more deserving individual. Eric replied that he thought that it was the greatest idea that his daddy had ever had, even better than paying Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal tons of money to develop amnesia.
When Ivanka heard about it she reportedly did four somersaults in the Oval Office.
A White House insider stated that when POTUS told Melania about his face being up there with great presidents like Georgie Washington, Abe Lincoln, Tommy Jefferson, and Ted Roosevelt, she just shook her head in disbelief.
When the President asked her what she thought about his idea, she asked him where the hell he expected the tens of millions of dollars to pay for his latest pipe dream to come from.
The President shot her a look, and replied, “Melly, I will take the money from three places: the Social Security Department, the Wounded Veterans Bureau, and the Food Stamps Agency."


thespoof--2020-08-10--Trump Runs Out Of News Conference

Trump Runs Out Of News Conference

Asked by a reporter at a press conference , why he keeps lying about a Veteran ’ s Choice measure that he claimed to have originated , Donald Trump turned deer in the headlights , then waved the reporters adios , and fled .
He did , however , manage to say , “ Thank you very much , ” before fleeing .
So which lie was the reporter targeting ?
It seems Trump has the habit of disparaging everything that came before him , and claiming to be the savior or the fixer-upper of anything that results in decisive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is better .
But Trump doesn ’ t have a Health Care Plan .
It 's somewhere over the rainbow in the future .
In Trump 's Plan , pre-existing conditions wo n't be included .
Pregnancy is a pre-existing condition .
What if a lady is in labor having a baby ?
Give her a willow branch to bite on .
“ You ain ’ t a lady if you vote for Trump !
” At Trump ’ s last press conference , filled with a series of fabrications , a woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s told over 150 times dealing with the Veterans Choice program .
Trump said , “ They ’ ve been trying to get that passed for decades , and decades , and decades , and no president ’ s ever been able to do it , and we got it done.
” “ You said that you passed Veterans Choice .
It was passed in 2014 , it was a false statement , sir , ” said CBS White House correspondent , Paula Reid .
Stunned , the thermometer reaching straight up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ thank you very much.
” Then Trump scampered off the stage like a gazelle .
Maybe , that 's the last time Trump will use that particular false statement ?
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Asked by a reporter at a press conference, why he keeps lying about a Veteran’s Choice measure that he claimed to have originated, Donald Trump turned deer in the headlights, then waved the reporters adios, and fled.
He did, however, manage to say, “Thank you very much,” before fleeing.
So which lie was the reporter targeting? It seems Trump has the habit of disparaging everything that came before him, and claiming to be the savior or the fixer-upper of anything that results in decisive action.
President Obama’s Health Care Plan? It's no good.
Trump's Health Care Plan is better. But Trump doesn’t have a Health Care Plan. It's somewhere over the rainbow in the future. In Trump's Plan, pre-existing conditions won't be included. Pregnancy is a pre-existing condition. What if a lady is in labor having a baby? Give her a willow branch to bite on.
“You ain’t a lady if you vote for Trump!”
At Trump’s last press conference, filled with a series of fabrications, a woman reporter questioned Trump about a lie he’s told over 150 times dealing with the Veterans Choice program.
Trump said, “They’ve been trying to get that passed for decades, and decades, and decades, and no president’s ever been able to do it, and we got it done.”
“You said that you passed Veterans Choice. It was passed in 2014, it was a false statement, sir,” said CBS White House correspondent, Paula Reid.
Stunned, the thermometer reaching straight up to his hairline, “Ahhh, thank you very much.” Then Trump scampered off the stage like a gazelle.
Maybe, that's the last time Trump will use that particular false statement?
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-08-12--Kamala Harris Promises To Teach Joe How To Sit Down To Pee

BILLINGSGATE POST : Not since the Day of the Jackal has anything been so wacko .
With Sniffin ’ Joe ’ s promise to nominate a woman of color for VP , Kamala Harris qualified by being semi-black and because she sits down to pee .
But even that might be contested by Trump .
Although Kamala Harris ’ ancestry is not quite kosher .
Biden made a big deal of picking a woman of color .
Only he didn ’ t say what color .
She is part Asian Indian and part Jamaican .
Some might even claim Kamala @ @ @ @ @ @ @ qualities .
Even Willie Brown , her mentor and sometime lover , complained that her head was not flat enough to rest a beer can on while getting an air start .
She has an easy laugh ; as when she joked about sending thousands to jail for pot offenses , while admitting to smoking a joint or two herself .
Hee-hee .
Among other things Sniffin ’ Joe didn ’ t remember is that Harris implied he was a racist during one of the primary debates .
It ’ s easy to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it happening .
Slim : “ Other than that , she was an excellent choice .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Not since the Day of the Jackal has anything been so wacko. With Sniffin’ Joe’s promise to nominate a woman of color for VP, Kamala Harris qualified by being semi-black and because she sits down to pee. But even that might be contested by Trump.
Although Kamala Harris’ ancestry is not quite kosher. Biden made a big deal of picking a woman of color. Only he didn’t say what color. She is part Asian Indian and part Jamaican.
Some might even claim Kamala “Breath” Harris has no redeeming qualities. Even Willie Brown, her mentor and sometime lover, complained that her head was not flat enough to rest a beer can on while getting an air start.
She has an easy laugh; as when she joked about sending thousands to jail for pot offenses, while admitting to smoking a joint or two herself. Hee-hee.
Among other things Sniffin’ Joe didn’t remember is that Harris implied he was a racist during one of the primary debates. It’s easy to forgive if you have no memory of it happening.
Slim: “Other than that, she was an excellent choice.”
Dirty: Yo, Dude. I’m surprised Joe didn’t pick Don Lemon.”


thespoof--2020-08-12--George W  Endorses Kanye West

George W  Endorses Kanye West

Former president George W Bush ( “ W ” ) has surprisingly endorsed Kanye West for president .
In a lengthy interview , the 43rd president explained his logic .
W , as he ’ s known , can be a bit long-winded , so we will begin with his thoughts on Biden and cover his thoughts on Trump in a later posting .
W : “ My endorsement is a protest endorsement , and my vote for Kanye will be a protest vote.
” W : `` The American people are faced with an abysmal choice that is even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ time around .
Both dudes [ Biden and Trump ] are pretty messed up , and I honestly don ’ t which one is likely to do the most damage , so I ’ m not supporting either one of them.
” Q : “ You ’ ve made your displeasure with Trump known so why not support someone who ’ s been around for forty years and has generally been reasonable ?
” W : “ Let me tell you : Joe never was too bright , and he ’ s losing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me of my Uncle Joe .
We called him Lech .
He used to grab women , but he mostly kept things in check until he hit 80 .
Then he started grabbing at everything that moved .
Had to get him male nurses .
Mark my words : In a few years , the poor guy [ Biden ] will be in a diaper , and he ’ ll keep Saturday Night Live busy with his grabbing and his gaffes .
That won ’ t be funny for long .
Just imagine @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on national TV .
Something like that wouldn ’ t surprise me at all.
” Q : “ I understand Biden ’ s cognitive decline .
But won ’ t he surround himself with some very smart advisors.
” Q : “ Can you go into a little more detail on that ?
” W : “ Well , when people was encouraging me to run for president , I told Mom that I didn ’ t think I was smart enough .
She said : ‘ Georgie Boy , you ’ re @ @ @ @ @ @ @ America needs right now .
You aren ’ t gon na have any interns sucking on your Johnson.
’ You can always surround yourself with plenty of brains.
’ So that ’ s what I did with people like Rumsfeld and Cheyney , and , as we all know , it didn ’ t work out too well . ''
Q : “ Last question before we move on to Trump .
Can you see any positives coming out of a Biden Presidency ?
” W : “ Yeah , people used to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years before we got another president as bad as me .
That ’ s already been proven wrong , and Biden will prove it again .
”

Former president George W Bush (“W”) has surprisingly endorsed Kanye West for president. In a lengthy interview, the 43rd president explained his logic. W, as he’s known, can be a bit long-winded, so we will begin with his thoughts on Biden and cover his thoughts on Trump in a later posting.
Q: “Why Kanye?”
W: “My endorsement is a protest endorsement, and my vote for Kanye will be a protest vote.”
Q: “Can you explain,”
W: "The American people are faced with an abysmal choice that is even worse than the one they had last time around. Both dudes [Biden and Trump] are pretty messed up, and I honestly don’t which one is likely to do the most damage, so I’m not supporting either one of them.”
Q: “You’ve made your displeasure with Trump known so why not support someone who’s been around for forty years and has generally been reasonable?”
W: “Let me tell you: Joe never was too bright, and he’s losing what little he had. Biden reminds me of my Uncle Joe. We called him Lech. He used to grab women, but he mostly kept things in check until he hit 80. Then he started grabbing at everything that moved. Had to get him male nurses.
Mark my words: In a few years, the poor guy [Biden] will be in a diaper, and he’ll keep Saturday Night Live busy with his grabbing and his gaffes.
That won’t be funny for long. Just imagine him grabbing Maxine Waters or Nancy Pelosi on national TV. Something like that wouldn’t surprise me at all.”
Q: “I understand Biden’s cognitive decline. But won’t he surround himself with some very smart advisors.”
W: “That doesn’t work”
Q: “Can you go into a little more detail on that?”
W: “Well, when people was encouraging me to run for president, I told Mom that I didn’t think I was smart enough. She said: ‘Georgie Boy, you’re a good person and that is what America needs right now. You aren’t gonna have any interns sucking on your Johnson.’ You can always surround yourself with plenty of brains.’
So that’s what I did with people like Rumsfeld and Cheyney, and, as we all know, it didn’t work out too well."
Q: “Last question before we move on to Trump. Can you see any positives coming out of a Biden Presidency?”
W: “We’d be rid of Trump.”
Q: “Anything else?”
W: “Yeah, people used to say that it’d be fifty years before we got another president as bad as me. That’s already been proven wrong, and Biden will prove it again.”


thespoof--2020-08-12--Joe Biden Picks Kamala Harris as His V.P. Choice and She Can Hardly Wait To Start Kicking Trump’s As

Joe Biden Picks Kamala Harris as His V.P. Choice and She Can Hardly Wait To Start Kicking Trump’s Ass

WILMINGTON , Delaware – ( Satire News ) - Former Vice-President Joe Biden knows a thing or two about vice-presidents , and he has just picked what many are hailing as the best possible choice he could have made .
Kamala Harris is a sweet woman , but when she puts on her political hat and jumps into the political arena , she can turn into the female version of Mike Tyson .
Biden 's new running mate has already stated that she can hardly wait to start kicking `` Comrade Trumpski 's '' ass Robert De Niro who hates @ @ @ @ @ @ @ diets , said that he ca n't wait for the “ Racist-in-Chief ” to make personal attacks aimed at Harris .
Howard Stern , who also hates Trump because he refused to hook him up with his daughter Ivanka , noted that Kamala Harris is no lightweight like Elizabeth Warren , or Amy Klobuchar , or even Tulsi Gabbard .
The New York shock jock said that Kamala will definitely bite , and when she does POTUS better check all of his appendages , because he may very well be missing one or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crocodile gets through with him .
CNN ’ s Don Lemon wonders how long before Kamala gets Donnie so flustered and so tongue-tied that he slips up and calls her the “ N ” word .
Reports are that the Las Vegas oddsmakers are already taking bets on that one .

WILMINGTON, Delaware – (Satire News) - Former Vice-President Joe Biden knows a thing or two about vice-presidents, and he has just picked what many are hailing as the best possible choice he could have made.
Kamala Harris is a sweet woman, but when she puts on her political hat and jumps into the political arena, she can turn into the female version of Mike Tyson.
Biden's new running mate has already stated that she can hardly wait to start kicking "Comrade Trumpski's" ass
Robert De Niro who hates Trump probably more than Sarah Huckabee hates diets, said that he can't wait for the “Racist-in-Chief” to make personal attacks aimed at Harris.
Howard Stern, who also hates Trump because he refused to hook him up with his daughter Ivanka, noted that Kamala Harris is no lightweight like Elizabeth Warren, or Amy Klobuchar, or even Tulsi Gabbard.
The New York shock jock said that Kamala will definitely bite, and when she does POTUS better check all of his appendages, because he may very well be missing one or two important ones, when the California crocodile gets through with him.
CNN’s Don Lemon wonders how long before Kamala gets Donnie so flustered and so tongue-tied that he slips up and calls her the “N” word.
Reports are that the Las Vegas oddsmakers are already taking bets on that one.


thespoof--2020-08-12--Kamala Harris Says She Received a Very Interesting Text From None Other That Stormy Daniels

SAN FRANCISCO – ( Satire News ) - Joe Biden told CBS News that he is extremely proud of his brand new running mate Kamala Harris .
The veteran politician from California is really and truly liked , because unlike Trump , lying isn ’ t one of her necessary characteristics .
Kamala has been described as a cross between Oprah Winfrey , Viola Davis , Queen Latifah , and a whole lot of Michelle Obama mixed in .
While she was the attorney general of the state of California , she sued Chrysler , Fox News , Jack-in-the-Box , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Harris told CNN ’ s Anderson Cooper that not even 20 minutes after she was informed that she had won the vice-presidential lottery , she received a text from none other than Stormy Daniels .
The same Stormy Daniels that Trump paid $ 130,000 plus a Rolex Watch , and a Honda Motorcycle , to say that she has never heard of Donald John Trump .
Stormy congratulated Kamala Harris and told her that she can hardly wait to see her bring tears to Trump ’ s eyes once she starts frustrating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Ms. Daniels told Kamala that she will be calling her to let her know about lots and lots of juicy secrets about the “ Predator-in-Chief ” that no one but him and her know about .

SAN FRANCISCO – (Satire News) - Joe Biden told CBS News that he is extremely proud of his brand new running mate Kamala Harris.
The veteran politician from California is really and truly liked, because unlike Trump, lying isn’t one of her necessary characteristics.
Kamala has been described as a cross between Oprah Winfrey, Viola Davis, Queen Latifah, and a whole lot of Michelle Obama mixed in.
While she was the attorney general of the state of California, she sued Chrysler, Fox News, Jack-in-the-Box, and the state of Alabama and won.
Harris told CNN’s Anderson Cooper that not even 20 minutes after she was informed that she had won the vice-presidential lottery, she received a text from none other than Stormy Daniels.
The same Stormy Daniels that Trump paid $130,000 plus a Rolex Watch, and a Honda Motorcycle, to say that she has never heard of Donald John Trump.
Stormy congratulated Kamala Harris and told her that she can hardly wait to see her bring tears to Trump’s eyes once she starts frustrating the ever living hell out of him.
Ms. Daniels told Kamala that she will be calling her to let her know about lots and lots of juicy secrets about the “Predator-in-Chief” that no one but him and her know about.


thespoof--2020-08-12--Doctor Convinces Drug Users To Allow Him To Put Steroids In Their Methamphetamine

A Grand Rapids , Michigan Doctor , Darren Strong , who is a diligent and compassionate practitioner has convinced his local drug addicts to allow him to inject anabolic steroids into their methamphetamine .
He injected the steroids with a sledge hammer .
People addicted to meth are normally under nourished , sickly looking and fans of the New York Knicks .
Upon taking the meth with the steroids everything changed .
Local police officer Jerry Oversight talked about the effect the steroids had on a drug addict named Johnny Dolittle .
“ It is really strange ” , started @ @ @ @ @ @ @ once or twice a week when he is doing drugs in public .
The arrest always goes fine without a hitch .
Now a days he is too fast for us to get near him .
He is like effing Usain Bolt .
He is so fast that one time he ran right up to me and pulled the belt off of my pants and gave me a wedgie before running off ” .
“ Another drug attic , George Weed now looks like Atlas .
When we tried to arrest him for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ up our police car and turned it upside down before dropping it on the asphalt .
When we drew our guns , he promptly took them from us and bent both barrels into a u-shape before giving them back to us .
He then went an pulled an apartment complex off of its foundation and ran away with it .
We filed a police report for the stolen apartment complex so if anyone knows where it is please let us know ” .
“ It appears all the rest of the addicts have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Homeys with the goal of its league champion to challenge the NFL ’ s super bowl winner to a contest called the Super Duper Bowl .
Vegas has already given them 3-1 odds of winning it .
They have exhumed the body of former Oakland Raiders owner , Al Davis , and have appointed him to be the commissioner of the new league.
” As of press time the NFL agreed to play the Homey ’ s champion as long as Al Davis keeps his mouth shut .

A Grand Rapids, Michigan Doctor, Darren Strong, who is a diligent and compassionate practitioner has convinced his local drug addicts to allow him to inject anabolic steroids into their methamphetamine. He injected the steroids with a sledge hammer.
People addicted to meth are normally under nourished, sickly looking and fans of the New York Knicks. Upon taking the meth with the steroids everything changed.
Local police officer Jerry Oversight talked about the effect the steroids had on a drug addict named Johnny Dolittle.
“It is really strange”, started Oversight. “We normally arrest Johnny once or twice a week when he is doing drugs in public. The arrest always goes fine without a hitch. Now a days he is too fast for us to get near him. He is like effing Usain Bolt. He is so fast that one time he ran right up to me and pulled the belt off of my pants and gave me a wedgie before running off”.
“Another drug attic, George Weed now looks like Atlas. When we tried to arrest him for breaking a fire hydrant, he picked up our police car and turned it upside down before dropping it on the asphalt. When we drew our guns, he promptly took them from us and bent both barrels into a u-shape before giving them back to us. He then went an pulled an apartment complex off of its foundation and ran away with it. We filed a police report for the stolen apartment complex so if anyone knows where it is please let us know”.
“It appears all the rest of the addicts have formed their own professional football league called the Homeys with the goal of its league champion to challenge the NFL’s super bowl winner to a contest called the Super Duper Bowl. Vegas has already given them 3-1 odds of winning it. They have exhumed the body of former Oakland Raiders owner, Al Davis, and have appointed him to be the commissioner of the new league.”
As of press time the NFL agreed to play the Homey’s champion as long as Al Davis keeps his mouth shut.


thespoof--2020-08-13--Tennessee Passes a Proclamation That Would Put All Protesters in Prison

NASHVILLE – ( Political Satire ) - In a move that could send the great state of Tennessee back into the deep backwoods , the state ’ s politicians have apparently taken an obvious leave of their senses .
The state senate has issued a proclamation that will prohibit anyone from protesting about anything , even the rising prices of cornbread , grits , and chewing tobacco .
State Senator Ludlow Boolitis , 79 , stated that he and other white state leaders agree that the Black Lives Matter movement has gotten way out of hand .
He said that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to circumvent the `` First Amendment '' so that the BLM group ’ s rights will be ‘ legally ’ taken away .
The elderly senator , whose lawn edger is definitely missing the string trimmer , said that the only way to stop all of this legal protesting is to start putting the violators in prison without parole .
Boolitis , who is originally from Russia , said that you don ’ t see whites marching and protesting , except , of course , for an occasional KKK parade , or a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ or even a White Lives Matter picnic .
Meanwhile , United States Senator Marsha Blackburn , pointed out that legal protesting has been shown to lead to snorting cocaine , smoking marijuana , and committing adultery .

NASHVILLE – (Political Satire) - In a move that could send the great state of Tennessee back into the deep backwoods, the state’s politicians have apparently taken an obvious leave of their senses.
The state senate has issued a proclamation that will prohibit anyone from protesting about anything, even the rising prices of cornbread, grits, and chewing tobacco.
State Senator Ludlow Boolitis, 79, stated that he and other white state leaders agree that the Black Lives Matter movement has gotten way out of hand.
He said that he and other white senators are going to circumvent the "First Amendment" so that the BLM group’s rights will be ‘legally’ taken away.
The elderly senator, whose lawn edger is definitely missing the string trimmer, said that the only way to stop all of this legal protesting is to start putting the violators in prison without parole.
Boolitis, who is originally from Russia, said that you don’t see whites marching and protesting, except, of course, for an occasional KKK parade, or a Sons of The Nazis political rally, or even a White Lives Matter picnic.
Meanwhile, United States Senator Marsha Blackburn, pointed out that legal protesting has been shown to lead to snorting cocaine, smoking marijuana, and committing adultery.


thespoof--2020-08-13--NFL To Allow Players To Lie On Back And Have Bellies Rubbed During National Anthem

BILLINGSGATE POST : In order to placate fans who don ’ t like to see players take a knee during the playing of the National Anthem , NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a directive that will allow players the option of lying on their backs and having their bellies rubbed like a dog during the traditional pre-game ceremony .
Citing the loss of fans who take honoring our heritage seriously , Goodell took a page from renowned dog behavior expert , Cesar Millan , who rehabilitates all manner of troubled canines in his Dog Whisperer series .
Millan not only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ trains their owners how to achieve a balanced relationship with their pets .
Since many of the elite players , who make millions a year playing a game , still complain that they are being treated like dogs by their owners , the Commissioner issued the following statement : “ After consulting with the Dog Whisperer , I was assured that nothing makes dogs happier and contented than to have their bellies rubbed by their owners .
Therefore , instead of players kneeling during the Anthem , they will have the option of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bellies rubbed by the owners.
” Slim : “ Historic !
No one should be offended by that .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: In order to placate fans who don’t like to see players take a knee during the playing of the National Anthem, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell issued a directive that will allow players the option of lying on their backs and having their bellies rubbed like a dog during the traditional pre-game ceremony.
Citing the loss of fans who take honoring our heritage seriously, Goodell took a page from renowned dog behavior expert, Cesar Millan, who rehabilitates all manner of troubled canines in his Dog Whisperer series.
Millan not only teaches dog new tricks, but also trains their owners how to achieve a balanced relationship with their pets.
Since many of the elite players, who make millions a year playing a game, still complain that they are being treated like dogs by their owners, the Commissioner issued the following statement:
“After consulting with the Dog Whisperer, I was assured that nothing makes dogs happier and contented than to have their bellies rubbed by their owners. Therefore, instead of players kneeling during the Anthem, they will have the option of lying on their backs and having their bellies rubbed by the owners.”
Slim: “Historic! No one should be offended by that.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Let the games begin.”


thespoof--2020-08-12--China Wants To Buy The Statue of Liberty

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Spoof News ) - President Trump told Fox News that he received a call from the Chinese leader Xi Jinping .
He said that after the two argued for about 22 minutes , about the China Virus vs the Coronavirus , the two agreed to disagree .
Jinping reportedly told Trump that if he keeps on calling it the China virus , he will begin referring to it as the Trumparona virus .
Trump fired back by saying that if he does , then the USA will stop importing Chinese fortune cookies .
Jinping , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do , he deflected .
He told Trump that he wants to buy the Statue of Liberty .
Trump said that it had been a Christmas present to the United States from the sovereign government of Peru back in 1968 , and as much as he would like to , he really couldn ’ t sell it .
The Chinese leader said that the statue has lost it ’ s true meaning thanks to Trump ’ s leaning towards the white extremists groups .
He pointed out that Trump does not care one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ poor , the wretched refuse , the Amish , or the homeless yearning to be free .
Trump thought for a moment and then askd , “ Hey Xi , how does $ 800,000 cash sound ?
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Spoof News) - President Trump told Fox News that he received a call from the Chinese leader Xi Jinping.
He said that after the two argued for about 22 minutes, about the China Virus vs the Coronavirus, the two agreed to disagree.
Jinping reportedly told Trump that if he keeps on calling it the China virus, he will begin referring to it as the Trumparona virus.
Trump fired back by saying that if he does, then the USA will stop importing Chinese fortune cookies.
Jinping, then did what all GOP talking heads do, he deflected. He told Trump that he wants to buy the Statue of Liberty.
Trump said that it had been a Christmas present to the United States from the sovereign government of Peru back in 1968, and as much as he would like to, he really couldn’t sell it.
The Chinese leader said that the statue has lost it’s true meaning thanks to Trump’s leaning towards the white extremists groups.
He pointed out that Trump does not care one iota about the tired masses, the poor, the wretched refuse, the Amish, or the homeless yearning to be free.
Trump thought for a moment and then askd, “Hey Xi, how does $800,000 cash sound?”


thespoof--2020-08-12--Kellyanne Conway and Kayleigh McEnany Beg The President to Please, Please, Please Not Call Kamala Ha

Kellyanne Conway and Kayleigh McEnany Beg The President to Please, Please, Please Not Call Kamala Harris the “N” Word

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Political Satire ) - Several news outlets are reporting that as soon as Kellyanne Conway @ @ @ @ @ Joe Biden had picked Kamala Harris to be his running mate , they both exclaimed @ @ @ @ @ women quickly called the president and told him to please , please , please not @ @ @ @ @ '' word .
Conway talked to Sean Hannity off-the-record and said that she is really @ @ @ @ @ , who is quite a seasoned political veteran , will know exactly which of Trump @ @ @ @ @ .
And she will then proceed to push them with all the precision of a @ @ @ @ @ is reporting that Kamala is chomping at the bit and is ready to give DJT @ @ @ @ @ to hang himself .
A source inside the White House said that the first lady @ @ @ @ @ “ You go girl !
Be best , Love Melly ”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Political Satire) - Several news outlets are reporting that as soon as Kellyanne Conway and Kayleigh McEnany heard that Joe Biden had picked Kamala Harris to be his running mate, they both exclaimed “Damnit!”
Both women quickly called the president and told him to please, please, please not call Harris the "N" word.
Conway talked to Sean Hannity off-the-record and said that she is really and truly afraid that Harris, who is quite a seasoned political veteran, will know exactly which of Trump’s buttons to push.
And she will then proceed to push them with all the precision of a brain surgeon.
ABC News is reporting that Kamala is chomping at the bit and is ready to give DJT just enough rope for him to hang himself.
A source inside the White House said that the first lady texted Kamala and wrote, “You go girl! Be best, Love Melly”


thespoof--2020-08-12--Species misappropriation - what next a small man in a R2D2 tin can?

In a galaxy far , far away , at an industrial tribunal , actor/director Zirkoxx TribbleQ is being sued by the estate of the late Lieutenant Spock for species misappropriation .
“ The is not remake of ‘ that ’ crass TV series from planet Earth , ” said Zirkoxx , “ Our film is based on historical Vulcan texts and I ’ ll be wearing authentic Vulcan ears from a dead Vulcan , what ’ s the problem ?
” The film will feature a scene where an aging Spock cuts his finger and green blood spurts out .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ it ’ s not real green blood .
“ It ’ s another case of ‘ Greened Blood ’ on our screens , ” said Brian Anorak of the Accuracy Association , “ and this portrayal of Spock gets upset .
Spock never got upset .
He ’ s portraying Vulcans in a very bad light .
Children watch this programme.
” “ We ’ ve seen this before with people in wheeled cardboard boxes as Daleks , ” said Anorak , “ and a puffin once played The Penguin , I mean @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are many Vulcans who could ’ ve played this role.
” “ I had similar concerns when portraying Scottish legend William Wallace , ” said Mel Gibson , “ but the locals showed me how to eat a kilt , wear a haggis and smoke-a-bagpipe .
That was the benefit of filming Braveheart in Ireland , which is quite near Scotchland , gave the film authenticity.
” Musicologist now confirm the best way to enjoy a bagpipe is to smoke it , over hot coals until it cinders or listen to it from @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

In a galaxy far, far away, at an industrial tribunal, actor/director Zirkoxx TribbleQ is being sued by the estate of the late Lieutenant Spock for species misappropriation.
“The is not remake of ‘that’ crass TV series from planet Earth,” said Zirkoxx, “Our film is based on historical Vulcan texts and I’ll be wearing authentic Vulcan ears from a dead Vulcan, what’s the problem?”
The film will feature a scene where an aging Spock cuts his finger and green blood spurts out. Zirkoxx is not a real Vulcan so it’s not real green blood.
“It’s another case of ‘Greened Blood’ on our screens,” said Brian Anorak of the Accuracy Association, “and this portrayal of Spock gets upset. Spock never got upset. He’s portraying Vulcans in a very bad light. Children watch this programme.”
“We’ve seen this before with people in wheeled cardboard boxes as Daleks,” said Anorak, “and a puffin once played The Penguin, I mean, they eat different fish. There are many Vulcans who could’ve played this role.”
“I had similar concerns when portraying Scottish legend William Wallace,” said Mel Gibson, “but the locals showed me how to eat a kilt, wear a haggis and smoke-a-bagpipe. That was the benefit of filming Braveheart in Ireland, which is quite near Scotchland, gave the film authenticity.”
Musicologist now confirm the best way to enjoy a bagpipe is to smoke it, over hot coals until it cinders or listen to it from 50 miles away, whichever sounds better.


thespoof--2020-08-12--Joe Biden Says He’s As Happy as a Rooster With 3 Peckers

WILMINGTON , Delaware – ( Satire News ) - Anderson Cooper was one of the first to talk to Joe @ @ @ @ @ announced that he had picked Kamala Harris to be is running mate .
Cooper remarked @ @ @ @ @ him so full of joy , energy , and happiness .
Biden gave Cooper a @ @ @ @ @ him that Kamala is one of the toughest , political fighters he has ever known @ @ @ @ @ May , when she was on his show , she beat him at arm-wrestling .
@ @ @ @ @ him to just leave the “ Divider-in-Chief ” to her and just get some popcorn @ @ @ @ @ choice , and watch her turn old “ Baby Fingers ” into a deballed little @ @ @ @ @ he told her that he would give her a great big Delaware hug , but @ @ @ @ @ observe the 6-foot distancing rule .
The former vice-president grinned from ear-to-ear as he told @ @ @ @ @ him as happy as a rooster with three peckers .

WILMINGTON, Delaware – (Satire News) - Anderson Cooper was one of the first to talk to Joe Biden, right after he announced that he had picked Kamala Harris to be is running mate.
Cooper remarked that he had never seen him so full of joy, energy, and happiness. Biden gave Cooper a fist bump and he told him that Kamala is one of the toughest, political fighters he has ever known.
Anderson recalled that last May, when she was on his show, she beat him at arm-wrestling.
Biden added that Kamala told him to just leave the “Divider-in-Chief” to her and just get some popcorn and a beverage of his choice, and watch her turn old “Baby Fingers” into a deballed little bitch.
Biden laughed and he told her that he would give her a great big Delaware hug, but unlike Trump, they will observe the 6-foot distancing rule.
The former vice-president grinned from ear-to-ear as he told Kamala that she's made him as happy as a rooster with three peckers.


thespoof--2020-08-12--Kamala Harris Selects Elizabeth Warren for Vice-Vice-President

( Washington ) – Senator Kamala Harris , fresh from being selected as the Vice-Presidential running mate of Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ Warren as her running mate .
The often-overlooked position of Vice-Vice-President is critical should the @ @ @ @ @ his , or now her , duties .
“ I have known and worked with @ @ @ @ @ look forward to working with her for many more .
Together , we can be @ @ @ @ @ ” said Harris “ I look forward to debating current Vice-Vice-President KellyAnne Conway in October @ @ @ @ @ be a clear difference in our values on that stage.
” , said Warren .
@ @ @ @ @ ’ s selection of Vice-Vice-Vice-President .

(Washington) – Senator Kamala Harris, fresh from being selected as the Vice-Presidential running mate of Joe Biden, has herself selected Elizabeth Warren as her running mate.
The often-overlooked position of Vice-Vice-President is critical should the Vice-President be unable to fulfill his, or now her, duties. “I have known and worked with Elizabeth for many years and look forward to working with her for many more. Together, we can be a powerful force in Washington.” said Harris
“I look forward to debating current Vice-Vice-President KellyAnne Conway in October. I think there will be a clear difference in our values on that stage.”, said Warren.
Speculation now begins around Warren’s selection of Vice-Vice-Vice-President.


thespoof--2020-08-11--The President Trump and Anthony Scaramucci Feud Is Starting To Get Downright Nasty

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Political Satire ) - Former White House staff member Anthony Scaramucci has ruffled the feathers of one Donnie `` The Bully Boy '' Trump .
The Mooch as his grandmother nicknamed him when he was just 4-days old , said that each day Trump is showing that he is turning more and more into a super right wing extremist .
Scaramucci told Fox News that he recalls that 10 years ago he saw Trump at Rosie O ’ Donnell ’ s Halloween Party , and DJT was dressed as a klansmen , complete with robe @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even a ( fake ) hand gun .
When Trump found out what the Mooch had said about him , he replied that he is seriously considering deporting the Italian pill back to Santa Baloney , Italy .
Anthony remarked to Fox News that it is a pot calling a kettle black because the Mount Rushmore-wannabe needs to deport himself back to Nazi Germany .
Anthony ’ s parting shot at POTUS was , that old Trumpelstiltskin really needs to stop playing with putters and little balls , and see if he can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trumparona virus .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Political Satire) - Former White House staff member Anthony Scaramucci has ruffled the feathers of one Donnie "The Bully Boy" Trump.
The Mooch as his grandmother nicknamed him when he was just 4-days old, said that each day Trump is showing that he is turning more and more into a super right wing extremist.
Scaramucci told Fox News that he recalls that 10 years ago he saw Trump at Rosie O’Donnell’s Halloween Party, and DJT was dressed as a klansmen, complete with robe, hood, Walmart sneakers, and even a (fake) hand gun.
When Trump found out what the Mooch had said about him, he replied that he is seriously considering deporting the Italian pill back to Santa Baloney, Italy.
Anthony remarked to Fox News that it is a pot calling a kettle black because the Mount Rushmore-wannabe needs to deport himself back to Nazi Germany.
Anthony’s parting shot at POTUS was, that old Trumpelstiltskin really needs to stop playing with putters and little balls, and see if he can’t find a cure for the Trumparona virus.


thespoof--2020-08-14--Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Masks and Social Distancing on Election Day

Washington- Declaring that the wearing of protective face masks and standing six feet apart at polling areas will create “ @ @ @ @ @ frauds in the history of the human race ” , President Donald Trump signed an @ @ @ @ @ both practices at voting precincts across the nation .
After he successfully ran the U.S @ @ @ @ @ business by defunding it , Trump demanded that voters show up to the polls in @ @ @ @ @ Covid-19 for the opportunity of “ voting for the greatest incumbent President of all time @ @ @ @ @ that Trump was considering another order requiring that federal troops armed with weapons and tear @ @ @ @ @ all “ Blue States ” , to guard against “ rioting Antifa members and libtards @ @

Washington- Declaring that the wearing of protective face masks and standing six feet apart at polling areas will create “one of the biggest election frauds in the history of the human race”, President Donald Trump signed an executive order yesterday, banning both practices at voting precincts across the nation.
After he successfully ran the U.S. Postal Service out of business by defunding it, Trump demanded that voters show up to the polls in person, and risk catching Covid-19 for the opportunity of “voting for the greatest incumbent President of all time”.
Sources also indicated that Trump was considering another order requiring that federal troops armed with weapons and tear gas guard polling places in all “Blue States”, to guard against “rioting Antifa members and libtards”.


Dean Cain Cured

( Los Angeles ) – The staff at UCLA Medical College have announced that Dean Cain , the actor who @ @ @ @ @ television series Lois and Clark , has been cured .
Cain struggled with his illness @ @ @ @ @ it was thought to be incurable .
It was just recently that medical breakthroughs on @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Just one shot in the arm and his symptoms have completely disappeared , @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It ’ s a good thing that he was captured as soon as @ @ @ @ @ days , and the illness could have taken over and killed him.
” Cain had @ @ @ @ @ nationwide manhunt recently , after a daring escape from his Los Angeles guards .
No @ @ @ @ @ will allow him to be released early .

(Los Angeles) – The staff at UCLA Medical College have announced that Dean Cain, the actor who played Clark Kent in the television series Lois and Clark, has been cured.
Cain struggled with his illness for 10 years, and it was thought to be incurable. It was just recently that medical breakthroughs on his illness have been achieved. “Just one shot in the arm and his symptoms have completely disappeared,” noted Dr. Anders Bilk. “It’s a good thing that he was captured as soon as he was. Another few days, and the illness could have taken over and killed him.”
Cain had been the target in a nationwide manhunt recently, after a daring escape from his Los Angeles guards. No word yet whether the cure will allow him to be released early.


thespoof--2020-08-14--President Trump Denies That He Uses Preparation H on His Face

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - President Trump was asked by a reporter with Fox News about @ @ @ @ @ new book , which makes him look like the biggest racist predator and tax-evading liar @ @ @ @ @ He responded by saying that Mikey is just mad because he did not pardon him @ @ @ @ @ of his other cohorts .
POTUS then said that he hardly knows Cohen , and @ @ @ @ @ t spoken to him in over 47 months .
A reporter with CNN asked him @ @ @ @ @ uses Preparation H on his face to make it look smaller and as pretty as @ @ @ @ @ face .
Trump became visibly upset , and yelled out that he did use Preparation @ @ @ @ @ ago , but his doctor warned him that repeated use could shrink his brain .
@ @ @ @ @ that he pronounced the California state park Yosemite as [ YO-SEMEN-8 ] .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - President Trump was asked by a reporter with Fox News about Michael Cohen’s brand new book, which makes him look like the biggest racist predator and tax-evading liar in the entire world.
He responded by saying that Mikey is just mad because he did not pardon him, like he did 291 of his other cohorts.
POTUS then said that he hardly knows Cohen, and furthermore, he hasn’t spoken to him in over 47 months.
A reporter with CNN asked him about the rumor that he uses Preparation H on his face to make it look smaller and as pretty as his niece Mary Trump's face.
Trump became visibly upset, and yelled out that he did use Preparation H on his hair years ago, but his doctor warned him that repeated use could shrink his brain.
Meanwhile, Trump is denying that he pronounced the California state park Yosemite as [YO-SEMEN-8].


thespoof--2020-08-15--Snow Shovel Still on Roof

Snow Shovel Still on Roof

( Waukegan , IL ) – Observers have noticed that , even though we are well into August , there @ @ @ @ @ on the roof of a local home .
The owner , Hank Shivers , was @ @ @ @ @ Speculation continues among neighbors about first , how the snow shovel got there , and @ @ @ @ @ not been taken down .
“ I ’ m pretty sure that Hank got sick @ @ @ @ @ , and just chucked it up there .
I guess he hasn ’ t been @ @ @ @ @ , ” said neighbor , Emma Poole .
“ I think he was trying to @ @ @ @ @ and just threw the shovel up there .
I believe it worked , and he @ @ @ @ @ I saw him up on the roof last week .
Why wouldn ’ t he @ @ @ @ @ ” asked another neighbor , Jim Cruz .

(Waukegan, IL) – Observers have noticed that, even though we are well into August, there is still a snow shovel on the roof of a local home. The owner, Hank Shivers, was not available for comment.
Speculation continues among neighbors about first, how the snow shovel got there, and second, why it has not been taken down.
“I’m pretty sure that Hank got sick of shoveling back in March, and just chucked it up there. I guess he hasn’t been on the roof since then,” said neighbor, Emma Poole.
“I think he was trying to get a frisbee down, and just threw the shovel up there. I believe it worked, and he got the frisbee, but I saw him up on the roof last week. Why wouldn’t he just get the shovel?” asked another neighbor, Jim Cruz.


thespoof--2020-08-15--President Trump is All Upset Because Kamala Harris Said He Needs to Be Banned From Tweeting

BOSTON – ( Satire News ) - Kamala Harris was in Boston to drum up support for the new Biden-Harris Democratic presidential ticket .
She made it a point , as she does whenever she 's in Boston , to have a clam chowder dinner .
Kamala was asked by a reporter with ABC News about her statement that Trump should be locked up for constantly tweeting nasty , vicious , mean , hate-filled tweets .
The Senator from California said that she recently spoke with Trump ’ s side piece , Stormy Daniels , on the phone .
She @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Golden Boy ” really and truly has all of the intelligence of a drinking straw .
The bosomy woman laughed and said that if brains were nickels , DJT would probably have about 35 cents ( maybe ) .
ABC News reported that POTUS is extremely furious that Kamala said he needs to be banned from tweeting .
Trump said that he invented tweeting , just like he invented scissors and Ramen .
Harris told Stormy that , if POTUS had spent just 30 % of the time working on a cure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ plodding his big fat ass all over “ His ” golf courses , the virus may have now been contained and under control .
Kam , who has more intelligence in her little finger than Trump has in his entire 345-pound body , said that “ Toddler Fingers ” needs to definitely have his tweeting rights taken away .
She noted that Trumpovich is just like a little kid playing with matches .

BOSTON – (Satire News) - Kamala Harris was in Boston to drum up support for the new Biden-Harris Democratic presidential ticket.
She made it a point, as she does whenever she's in Boston, to have a clam chowder dinner.
Kamala was asked by a reporter with ABC News about her statement that Trump should be locked up for constantly tweeting nasty, vicious, mean, hate-filled tweets.
The Senator from California said that she recently spoke with Trump’s side piece, Stormy Daniels, on the phone.
She said that Stormy told her that the “Golden Boy” really and truly has all of the intelligence of a drinking straw.
The bosomy woman laughed and said that if brains were nickels, DJT would probably have about 35 cents (maybe).
ABC News reported that POTUS is extremely furious that Kamala said he needs to be banned from tweeting. Trump said that he invented tweeting, just like he invented scissors and Ramen.
Harris told Stormy that, if POTUS had spent just 30% of the time working on a cure for the Trumparona virus, instead of plodding his big fat ass all over “His” golf courses, the virus may have now been contained and under control.
Kam, who has more intelligence in her little finger than Trump has in his entire 345-pound body, said that “Toddler Fingers” needs to definitely have his tweeting rights taken away.
She noted that Trumpovich is just like a little kid playing with matches.


thespoof--2020-08-14--Indians Couldn’t Stop The Pony Express, But Trump Is Going To Show Them How

Rain or high water , the mail must go through , or something like that .
Now , with a Biblical type pandemic circling the globe like the Space Station , raising the plateau every time it goes by , Trump is going to halt the United States Postal Service so he can “ win ” re-election , one guesses , so he can go back to eating more hamburgers , chocolate cake , and to his failed attempt at discrediting former President Barack Obama .
Does Donald Trump think he ’ s fooling anyone ?
Does he care ?
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s why members of the United Nations laughed at Trump when he started boasting about his accomplishments .
Are you still watching ?
Notice how Putin 's pick is destroying a democracy without even firing a water pistol ?
That he got Donald Trump shoe-horned into the White House ?
Mail-in voting is a civilized solution as opposed to standing in crowded lines , rain , or shire to vote , during a pandemic .
Reasonable ?
Right !
Not practical if you only have a 38 % approval rating , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But hey !
Manipulate the postal service !
Stop the U.S .
Postal Service from delivering the Mail-in ballots .
Then Trump will have a shot at staying in the White House .
Also : Declare peace between Turkey and the Kurds , or Israel , and the Palestinians .
Have a photo op signing ceremony—lots of flags .
Then have a sycophant suggest Trump ’ s nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize !
Who needs peace ?
All Trump wants is the prize ?
Right ?
Obama has one .
Read @ @ @ @ @ @ @ A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at Amazon.com

Rain or high water, the mail must go through, or something like that.
Now, with a Biblical type pandemic circling the globe like the Space Station, raising the plateau every time it goes by, Trump is going to halt the United States Postal Service so he can “win” re-election, one guesses, so he can go back to eating more hamburgers, chocolate cake, and to his failed attempt at discrediting former President Barack Obama.
Does Donald Trump think he’s fooling anyone? Does he care?
The whole world is watching. That’s why members of the United Nations laughed at Trump when he started boasting about his accomplishments.
Are you still watching? Notice how Putin's pick is destroying a democracy without even firing a water pistol? That he got Donald Trump shoe-horned into the White House?
Mail-in voting is a civilized solution as opposed to standing in crowded lines, rain, or shire to vote, during a pandemic. Reasonable? Right!
Not practical if you only have a 38% approval rating, which is how Donald Trump is presently rated.
But hey! Manipulate the postal service! Stop the U.S. Postal Service from delivering the Mail-in ballots. Then Trump will have a shot at staying in the White House.
Also: Declare peace between Turkey and the Kurds, or Israel, and the Palestinians. Have a photo op signing ceremony—lots of flags. Then have a sycophant suggest Trump’s nomination for a Nobel Peace Prize!
Ivanka spells it Noble. It’s a family thing.
Who needs peace? All Trump wants is the prize? Right? Obama has one.
Wanna-be fascist dictators: Are you taking notes.
Native Americans, that’s the deal.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-08-15--Joe Biden And Kamala Harris Spelled Backwards = Eoj Nedib And Alamak Sirrah

BILLINGSGATE POST : Now that Sniffin ’ Joe Biden has chosen the hairdo of Kamala “ Breath ” Harris to be the repository for his wayward snout , some pundits predict that , when he snuggles up behind her and buries his nose in her hair , she will go completely batshit with the ecstasy that only a woman with insatiable needs might feel .
Interestingly , especially to those who care about trivia , Kamala Harris spelled backwards = Alamak Sirrah .
Coincidentally , Joe Biden spelled backwards = Eoj Nedib .
In the first caliphate , the Rashidun @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Muhammad in 632 , two Rashidun caliphs were chosen through shura to form an Islamic democracy .
Whether just another coincidence or merely a mischievous monkey being maneuvered by the Organ Grinder of Fate , the names of the two caliphs were , you guessed it ; Alamak Sirrah and Eoj Nedib .
Of ancillary interest , is that Eoj Nedib was also a perverted hair-sniffer with a nose that made women swoon and Proboscis Monkeys ( Nasalis larvatus ) jealous .
Slim : “ All of these coincidences .
It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ : “ Yo , Dude .
If this weren ’ t coming from an impeccable source , I wouldn ’ t believe it .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Now that Sniffin’ Joe Biden has chosen the hairdo of Kamala “Breath” Harris to be the repository for his wayward snout, some pundits predict that, when he snuggles up behind her and buries his nose in her hair, she will go completely batshit with the ecstasy that only a woman with insatiable needs might feel.
Interestingly, especially to those who care about trivia, Kamala Harris spelled backwards = Alamak Sirrah. Coincidentally, Joe Biden spelled backwards = Eoj Nedib. In the first caliphate, the Rashidun Caliphate, immediately succeeding the death of Muhammad in 632, two Rashidun caliphs were chosen through shura to form an Islamic democracy.
Whether just another coincidence or merely a mischievous monkey being maneuvered by the Organ Grinder of Fate, the names of the two caliphs were, you guessed it; Alamak Sirrah and Eoj Nedib.
Of ancillary interest, is that Eoj Nedib was also a perverted hair-sniffer with a nose that made women swoon and Proboscis Monkeys (Nasalis larvatus) jealous.
Slim: “All of these coincidences. It’s more than I can take.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. If this weren’t coming from an impeccable source, I wouldn’t believe it.”


thespoof--2020-08-16--Jenny McCarthy Develops Covid-19 Vaccine

( Los Angeles ) – Actress/talk show host Jenny McCarthy has announced that she has discovered a vaccine for Covid-19 @ @ @ @ @ completed Phase III trials , and the vaccine is effective against Covid-19 .
I used @ @ @ @ @ common cold virus , called the adenovirus , that I got from my pet chimpanzee @ @ @ @ @ altered it , and then sprayed it with Chanel Number 5 , ” said McCarthy @ @ @ @ @ that this will both halt Covid-19 in its tracks , and cause autism in children @ @ @ @ @ only reason I developed this was to prove to the world that vaccination is poison @ @ @ @ @ not be vaccinating my children , nor will I allow anyone else to use it @ @ @ @ @

(Los Angeles) – Actress/talk show host Jenny McCarthy has announced that she has discovered a vaccine for Covid-19.
“We have just completed Phase III trials, and the vaccine is effective against Covid-19. I used a weakened version of the common cold virus, called the adenovirus, that I got from my pet chimpanzee, Horatio. I genetically altered it, and then sprayed it with Chanel Number 5,” said McCarthy.
“I am confident that this will both halt Covid-19 in its tracks, and cause autism in children. In fact, the only reason I developed this was to prove to the world that vaccination is poison and evil. I will not be vaccinating my children, nor will I allow anyone else to use it,” she added.


thespoof--2020-08-16--White BLM Protestor Screams "I Can't Breathe" While Looting Nike Store

A white Black Lives Matter protester was heard screaming “ I can ’ t breathe ” — the phrase George Floyd uttered before his death that has become a slogan for the Black Lives Matter movement - after stumbling while carrying several boxes of Nike Air Max shoes he had looted , resulting in his face and neck being covered with eight boxes of the stolen shoes .
In horrific scenes eerily similar to the spark that ignited protests worldwide , the looter can be seen panicking as he is sprawled on the ground .
`` Yo dude , '' @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ca n't breathe , bro .
Someone get these shoes off my neck .
I ca n't breathe , bro .
I ca n't breathe . ''
Eventually , his cries of help are heard , as other looting good samaritans surround him and remove the boxes .
At least four skateboard-carrying white kids can be seen coming to his aid and then disappearing into the crowds with the boxes .
Luckily , the man 's protest was not in vain , as he was last seen in a Gucci store helping @ @ @ @ @

A white Black Lives Matter protester was heard screaming “I can’t breathe” — the phrase George Floyd uttered before his death that has become a slogan for the Black Lives Matter movement - after stumbling while carrying several boxes of Nike Air Max shoes he had looted, resulting in his face and neck being covered with eight boxes of the stolen shoes.
In horrific scenes eerily similar to the spark that ignited protests worldwide, the looter can be seen panicking as he is sprawled on the ground.
"Yo dude," he was heard to scream, "I can't breathe, bro. Someone get these shoes off my neck. I can't breathe, bro. I can't breathe."
Eventually, his cries of help are heard, as other looting good samaritans surround him and remove the boxes. At least four skateboard-carrying white kids can be seen coming to his aid and then disappearing into the crowds with the boxes.
Luckily, the man's protest was not in vain, as he was last seen in a Gucci store helping himself to several handbags.


thespoof--2020-08-16--USPS Reveal Real Reason They Are Removing Mail Boxes

After a photo of mail collection boxes on a flatbed truck in Boston quickly garnered significant attention on Twitter , @ @ @ @ @ .
Postal Service clarified why the boxes were being removed .
USPS spokesman Steve Doherty @ @ @ @ @ too many turds are being mailed through the USPS , and the boxes are becoming @ @ @ @ @ , President Donald Trump acknowledged he is withholding money to the USPS to make it @ @ @ @ @ service to handle an anticipated surge of mailed turds as the election approaches .
A @ @ @ @ @ said Friday , `` They are being removed because too many people are mailing turds @ @ @ @ @ They are becoming a health hazard .
Words of advice : If you are adamant @ @ @ @ @ President , Anderson Cooper , Ellen Degeneres , Prince Andrew , Miley Cyrus , Meghan @ @ @ @ @ or The Pope , please use FEDEX .
USPS have had enough of this shit @ @ @ @ @

After a photo of mail collection boxes on a flatbed truck in Boston quickly garnered significant attention on Twitter, on Friday, the U.S. Postal Service clarified why the boxes were being removed.
USPS spokesman Steve Doherty told reporters that quite simply too many turds are being mailed through the USPS, and the boxes are becoming health hazards.
On Thursday, President Donald Trump acknowledged he is withholding money to the USPS to make it more difficult for the postal service to handle an anticipated surge of mailed turds as the election approaches.
A spokesman for the Post Office said Friday, "They are being removed because too many people are mailing turds to the White House. They are becoming a health hazard. Words of advice: If you are adamant on mailing turds to the President, Anderson Cooper, Ellen Degeneres, Prince Andrew, Miley Cyrus, Meghan Markle, Taylor Swift, or The Pope, please use FEDEX. USPS have had enough of this shit (literally)."


thespoof--2020-08-16--Howard Hughes is alive!

Howard Hughes is alive!

Recent reports have suggested that once-reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes ( believed to have died 44 years ago ) is still @ @ @ @ @ not just in Hollywood , his old stamping ground , but in the corridors of @ @ @ @ @ is believed to be issuing edicts and instructions to senators and congress representatives to follow @ @ @ @ @ his aim being to further his own financial growth .
The notorious reputation he had @ @ @ @ @ haunting him still , as people spread adverse whispers about the billionaire 's real intentions @ @ @ @ @ shine on his real motives for getting involved once again .

Recent reports have suggested that once-reclusive billionaire Howard Hughes (believed to have died 44 years ago) is still alive and wielding influence, not just in Hollywood, his old stamping ground, but in the corridors of power in Washington.
Hughes is believed to be issuing edicts and instructions to senators and congress representatives to follow a spurious political line, his aim being to further his own financial growth.
The notorious reputation he had in the past is undoubtedly haunting him still, as people spread adverse whispers about the billionaire's real intentions. The light will eventually shine on his real motives for getting involved once again.


thespoof--2020-08-16--President Trump Threatens to Build A Wall Around Chicago

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - The President , in a phone call to Sean Hannity , @ @ @ @ @ violence , the looting , and the anti-Trump chants do not stop in the Windy @ @ @ @ @ no choice but to build a beautiful 10-foot tall wall around it .
Trump told @ @ @ @ @ get excited , because he will have Canada pay for the wall , just like @ @ @ @ @ the southern wall .
Hannity suggested to the President that , maybe it would be @ @ @ @ @ the taxes on everyone who lives in Chicago by 800 % .
Trump liked that @ @ @ @ @ that way , everyone would leave Chi-Town , and move to Gary , Indiana , @ @ @ @ @ The mayor of Chicago said that raising taxes is illegal .
Trump responded by saying @ @ @ @ @ , and , with him , nothing is illegal , since he is just a @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - The President, in a phone call to Sean Hannity, said that, if the violence, the looting, and the anti-Trump chants do not stop in the Windy City, he will have no choice but to build a beautiful 10-foot tall wall around it.
Trump told the American taxpayers not to get excited, because he will have Canada pay for the wall, just like he made Mexico pay for the southern wall.
Hannity suggested to the President that, maybe it would be a good idea to raise the taxes on everyone who lives in Chicago by 800%.
Trump liked that idea, saying that, that way, everyone would leave Chi-Town, and move to Gary, Indiana, or Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
The mayor of Chicago said that raising taxes is illegal. Trump responded by saying that he is the President, and, with him, nothing is illegal, since he is just a little smidgen below a king.


thespoof--2020-08-16--Ashton Kutcher Tells Trump To Get Off The Golf Course and Help Iowa

CEDAR RAPIDS – ( Satire News ) - Ashton Kutcher , who was born in Iowa , says that he is furious at President Trump , who seems to be doing nothing lately but spending his time playing golf , eating Big Macs , and attacking Kamala Harris .
Kutcher read in USA Today that when POTUS shoots golf , he always takes away anywhere from 12 to 23 strokes .
Mia Kunis ' husband said that his home state of Iowa was devastated by a derecho that blew 33 % of Iowa 's corn into neighboring Kansas .
Kutcher @ @ @ @ @ @ @ more about his damn golf game than sending replacement corn to the state .
Ashton said that Trump 's brain seems to be on an extended vacation .
Kutcher said he heard on CNN that the First Lady pointed out that her husband had already misplaced the Missile Launching Remote three times .
The First Lady has pleaded with his chief adviser , Kellyanne Conway , to please find a way to take the remote away from him before he accidentally launches a missile and totally destroys Rhode Island .
Kutcher starred in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Two and a Half Men '' , and recently guest-starred on “ The Housewives of Intercourse , Pennsylvania ” .

CEDAR RAPIDS – (Satire News) - Ashton Kutcher, who was born in Iowa, says that he is furious at President Trump, who seems to be doing nothing lately but spending his time playing golf, eating Big Macs, and attacking Kamala Harris.
Kutcher read in USA Today that when POTUS shoots golf, he always takes away anywhere from 12 to 23 strokes.
Mia Kunis' husband said that his home state of Iowa was devastated by a derecho that blew 33% of Iowa's corn into neighboring Kansas.
Kutcher is angry because Trump seems to care more about his damn golf game than sending replacement corn to the state.
Ashton said that Trump's brain seems to be on an extended vacation.
Kutcher said he heard on CNN that the First Lady pointed out that her husband had already misplaced the Missile Launching Remote three times.
The First Lady has pleaded with his chief adviser, Kellyanne Conway, to please find a way to take the remote away from him before he accidentally launches a missile and totally destroys Rhode Island.
Kutcher starred in “That 70s Show”, “Two and a Half Men", and recently guest-starred on “The Housewives of Intercourse, Pennsylvania”.


thespoof--2020-08-16--Trump Denies That Melania is Voting For Joe Biden

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) - President Trump is furious at a report by CNN ’ s @ @ @ @ @ that Melania told one of the White House cooks that she is going to be @ @ @ @ @ Melania reportedly said that she considered who would best represent her “ Be Best ” @ @ @ @ @ hands down .
The First Lady knows that , when Donaldo finds out , he @ @ @ @ @ making all kinds of animal noises .
Melania says that she does n't care , @ @ @ @ @ with the circus clown , she has gotten used to it .
The First Lady @ @ @ @ @ : “ Dam eat !
Eat seems like ease been more like 25 jeers.
” @ @ @ @ @ she was still thinking about divorcing the President once he leaves office , she grinned @ @ @ @ @ jes , dat ease for chur , Lemon bro .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) - President Trump is furious at a report by CNN’s Don Lemon, that stated that Melania told one of the White House cooks that she is going to be voting for Joe Biden.
Melania reportedly said that she considered who would best represent her “Be Best” program, and Biden won hands down.
The First Lady knows that, when Donaldo finds out, he will probably start screaming and making all kinds of animal noises.
Melania says that she doesn't care, because, after 15 years with the circus clown, she has gotten used to it.
The First Lady shook her head and added: “Dam eat! Eat seems like ease been more like 25 jeers.”
When Lemon asked Melania if she was still thinking about divorcing the President once he leaves office, she grinned and replied, “Oh jes, dat ease for chur, Lemon bro.”


thespoof--2020-08-16--Meghan McCain Says She Will Not Vote for Trump as It Would be Like the Bull Complimenting the Matado

Meghan McCain Says She Will Not Vote for Trump as It Would be Like the Bull Complimenting the Matador

PHOENIX – ( Satire News ) - Meghan McCain hails from a long line of Republicans .
Her father , Senator John McCain , fought in Vietnam , Laos , Thailand , Cambodia , and Greenland to help keep foreigners free .
Meghan said that , growing up , she was not allowed to date any boy who was a Democrat .
She pointed out that she was , however , allowed to date Cameron Rubble , who was a card-carrying Republican , but never mind that Cam had robbed two Phoenix liquor stores .
The bubbly blonde was recently @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if she was voting for Trump .
She replied “ Hell , no .
My entire family , including my 103-year-old grandmother , hates Trump more than she hates misplacing her dentures.
” Meghan said that , if she voted for Trump , it would be like the bull giving the matador a compliment .
Ms. McCain was asked if she would ever want to venture into the political arena .
She replied that she loved politicians , but that she 'd become a street walker before she 'd become a politician .

PHOENIX – (Satire News) - Meghan McCain hails from a long line of Republicans. Her father, Senator John McCain, fought in Vietnam, Laos, Thailand, Cambodia, and Greenland to help keep foreigners free.
Meghan said that, growing up, she was not allowed to date any boy who was a Democrat.
She pointed out that she was, however, allowed to date Cameron Rubble, who was a card-carrying Republican, but never mind that Cam had robbed two Phoenix liquor stores.
The bubbly blonde was recently asked by Fox News anchor Laura Ingraham if she was voting for Trump.
She replied “Hell, no. My entire family, including my 103-year-old grandmother, hates Trump more than she hates misplacing her dentures.”
Meghan said that, if she voted for Trump, it would be like the bull giving the matador a compliment.
Ms. McCain was asked if she would ever want to venture into the political arena. She replied that she loved politicians, but that she'd become a street walker before she'd become a politician.


thespoof--2020-08-17--Trump Circus To Go On The Road In The New Year

There was exciting news for lovers of the Big Top last night , when it was announced that the world-famous Donny Trump Circus would be 'hitting the road ' for an extensive 51-state tour starting in the New Year .
Mr. Trump , expecting to be freed from his current obligations by early November , tweeted that the family concern will be appearing in all major US cities , with the first performance in New York on January 32nd .
The circus features Mr. Trump as Ringmaster , clown , trapeze artist , lion tamer , firebreather , strongman , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ members of his family assist .
His good lady wife , Melania , appears in a sequin-studded leotard in Mr. Trump 's knife-throwing act , and his children , Donald Jr. , Eric , and Ivanka pull on the heart strings , as they pedal around the ring on three tiny tricycles , like monkeys , whilst their trainer - Trump - throws them bananas .
There is also an act where Trump invites a lady assistant to lie in a wooden box while he saws through it with a chainsaw .
A @ @ @ @ @ @ @ show .
Other acts in the circus include the Mexican Suarez family , who , miraculously , scale a 50-meter wall , weighed-down by their entire possessions , and , for the delight of spectators , a troupe of urchin children can be seen screaming in cages for their mommies and daddies .
The circus may also embark on a worldwide tour , depending on the public reaction at home .

There was exciting news for lovers of the Big Top last night, when it was announced that the world-famous Donny Trump Circus would be 'hitting the road' for an extensive 51-state tour starting in the New Year.
Mr. Trump, expecting to be freed from his current obligations by early November, tweeted that the family concern will be appearing in all major US cities, with the first performance in New York on January 32nd.
The circus features Mr. Trump as Ringmaster, clown, trapeze artist, lion tamer, firebreather, strongman, juggler, and magician, and other members of his family assist.
His good lady wife, Melania, appears in a sequin-studded leotard in Mr. Trump's knife-throwing act, and his children, Donald Jr., Eric, and Ivanka pull on the heart strings, as they pedal around the ring on three tiny tricycles, like monkeys, whilst their trainer - Trump - throws them bananas.
There is also an act where Trump invites a lady assistant to lie in a wooden box while he saws through it with a chainsaw. A different lady assistant is needed for each show.
Other acts in the circus include the Mexican Suarez family, who, miraculously, scale a 50-meter wall, weighed-down by their entire possessions, and, for the delight of spectators, a troupe of urchin children can be seen screaming in cages for their mommies and daddies.
The circus may also embark on a worldwide tour, depending on the public reaction at home.


thespoof--2020-08-15--The U.S. Attorney General Reminds Trump That Oakland is in Fact Part of The United States

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Political Satire ) - The Washington Post has just stated that Trump is afraid that he is going to lose the election and possibly end up in prison .
A White House source said that he is now so nervous that he is binge eating seven Big Macs a day .
Melania is concerned since he has misplaced the Missile Launching Remote again .
She said that makes it 3 times in the past week .
This time he left it outside by the swimming pool .
Trump knows his back is against the wall @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his birther crapola against .
He used it against Barack Obama .
He also used it against Dolly Parton , Don Lemon , Black Kitty Meow Meow , and his second ex-wife Marla Maples .
His birther claims have all fallen as flat as Keira Knightley 's chest .
The Washington Post says Trump is now claiming that Kamala Harris was born in Iceland .
Kamala 's birth certificate clearly shows that she was born in Oakland , California .
Trump 's personal lawyer , Attorney General Billy Barr has reportedly told his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the United States , so he really needs to stop with that birther shit .
Kamala Harris is 55 .
Comrade Trumpski is 74 , but he acts likes he ’ s 4 .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Political Satire) - The Washington Post has just stated that Trump is afraid that he is going to lose the election and possibly end up in prison.
A White House source said that he is now so nervous that he is binge eating seven Big Macs a day.
Melania is concerned since he has misplaced the Missile Launching Remote again. She said that makes it 3 times in the past week. This time he left it outside by the swimming pool.
Trump knows his back is against the wall, and so he has reverted to his birther crapola against. He used it against Barack Obama. He also used it against Dolly Parton, Don Lemon, Black Kitty Meow Meow, and his second ex-wife Marla Maples.
His birther claims have all fallen as flat as Keira Knightley's chest.
The Washington Post says Trump is now claiming that Kamala Harris was born in Iceland.
Kamala's birth certificate clearly shows that she was born in Oakland, California.
Trump's personal lawyer, Attorney General Billy Barr has reportedly told his boss that Oakland is indeed a part of the United States, so he really needs to stop with that birther shit.
Kamala Harris is 55. Comrade Trumpski is 74, but he acts likes he’s 4.


thespoof--2020-08-14--Meghan Markle Says She Has Ordered Two Dozen Copies of Michael Cohen’s Extremely Accurate Book on Pr

Meghan Markle Says She Has Ordered Two Dozen Copies of Michael Cohen’s Extremely Accurate Book on President Trump

LOS ANGELES – ( Satire News ) - Meghan Markle has made it clear that she and her prince ( Andrew ) can not stand to even look at a photo of President Trump .
She said that the latest count of Trump ’ s lies has already hit the 20,000 mark .
Meghan said that USA Today is reporting that POTUS has lied more times than all of the entire 44 other presidents combined .
She then added that you can throw in all of the Russian presidents , the German chancellors , and every golfer in the entire @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Duchess of Sussex told USA Today , that she has ordered two dozen copies of Cohen ’ s book to give out to her friends .
She commented that the man about whom Nancy Pelosi says is second only to Adolf Hitler in racism , will most certainly end up in prison , or at least in an insane asylum .
Meghan said that she feels so sorry for her BFF Melania , who has to put up with the constant hate-filled tweeting , which the orange one does while wearing his red @ @ @

LOS ANGELES – (Satire News) - Meghan Markle has made it clear that she and her prince (Andrew) cannot stand to even look at a photo of President Trump.
She said that the latest count of Trump’s lies has already hit the 20,000 mark.
Meghan said that USA Today is reporting that POTUS has lied more times than all of the entire 44 other presidents combined.
She then added that you can throw in all of the Russian presidents, the German chancellors, and every golfer in the entire civilized world as well.
The former Duchess of Sussex told USA Today, that she has ordered two dozen copies of Cohen’s book to give out to her friends.
She commented that the man about whom Nancy Pelosi says is second only to Adolf Hitler in racism, will most certainly end up in prison, or at least in an insane asylum.
Meghan said that she feels so sorry for her BFF Melania, who has to put up with the constant hate-filled tweeting, which the orange one does while wearing his red MAGA pajamas.


thespoof--2020-08-17--The Steele Dossier: Garbanzo Beans And Chick Pea

BILLINGSGATE POST : Lost in the Inspector General report about the FBI ’ s investigation into Trump-Russia collusion , a newly declassified footnote shows that the FBI ’ s main source for its collusion allegation - Christopher Steele - was known to be a lying , dog-faced pony soldier by high-ranking FBI officials , providing further evidence that Trump ’ s activities during a 2013 trip to Moscow were falsified , and the result of Russian Intelligence .
The infamous Steele dossier , which was used to legitimize three FISA warrants , included salacious information that Donald Trump had a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hotel room who discharged their golden goodies on a bed , said to have been slept on by Barack and Michelle Obama .
Horticultural experts who examined the evidence were less than convinced after examining the bed coverings .
Dr. Greenstone , head of Kansas State University Agriculture School , said in his report : “ The FBI evidently doesn ’ t know beans about this .
What we found on the bedspread were garbanzo beans , not chick pea.
” Slim : “ The chick peas have come home to roost.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Don ’ t leave out the black-eyed peas .
They matter , too .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Lost in the Inspector General report about the FBI’s investigation into Trump-Russia collusion, a newly declassified footnote shows that the FBI’s main source for its collusion allegation - Christopher Steele - was known to be a lying, dog-faced pony soldier by high-ranking FBI officials, providing further evidence that Trump’s activities during a 2013 trip to Moscow were falsified, and the result of Russian Intelligence.
The infamous Steele dossier, which was used to legitimize three FISA warrants, included salacious information that Donald Trump had a couple of Russian honey pots in his hotel room who discharged their golden goodies on a bed, said to have been slept on by Barack and Michelle Obama.
Horticultural experts who examined the evidence were less than convinced after examining the bed coverings.
Dr. Greenstone, head of Kansas State University Agriculture School, said in his report:
“The FBI evidently doesn’t know beans about this. What we found on the bedspread were garbanzo beans, not chick pea.”
Slim: “The chick peas have come home to roost.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Don’t leave out the black-eyed peas. They matter, too.”


thespoof--2020-08-17--According to the Squad, Kamala Harris is only a 1/3rd Woman of Color

According to the Squad , the label “ woman of color ” or “ person of color ” is not binary .
There are degrees of colorness that must be recognized going forward .
Kamala Harris , unfortunately , is deemed to be only a 1/3rd woman of color .
Former president Obama , by contrast , is a 5/6th person of color .
Squad member Rashida Tlaib indicated that Harris is good enough for this electoral cycle , but the next woman of color on a presidential ticket has to be more than a 50 % woman of color @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s the formula to determine how much someone is a person of color ?
According to Tlaib , the exact formula is still being worked out , but in Harris ’ case , there was a three-point scale based on appearance , parentage , and commitment to color as evidenced by the colorness of one ’ s spouse or significant other .
Harris got 1/1 points for appearing to be a woman of color .
She got ¼ point for her parentage ( Her father—Jamaican was 1 ; her mother is Asian @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unless one is from Pakistan or Bangladesh , in which case they are considered persons of color .
This averages out to ¼ ) .
She lost ¼ point for her commitment to colorness .
Harris ’ husband is Jewish , so she was docked ¼ point .
Had he been Asian , she would have been docked ½ point .
Had he been white , but not Jewish , she would not have been docked any points , and had he been a person of color , she would have gotten 1 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ complicated , but there ’ s really only two things to remember : First , Harris got only 1 out of 3 points total , and that ’ s why she ’ s a 1/3rd person of color ; second , that won ’ t be good enough next time around ; and third , colorness is complex .

According to the Squad, the label “woman of color” or “person of color” is not binary. There are degrees of colorness that must be recognized going forward. Kamala Harris, unfortunately, is deemed to be only a 1/3rd woman of color. Former president Obama, by contrast, is a 5/6th person of color. Squad member Rashida Tlaib indicated that Harris is good enough for this electoral cycle, but the next woman of color on a presidential ticket has to be more than a 50% woman of color to expect support from progressives.
What’s the formula to determine how much someone is a person of color? According to Tlaib, the exact formula is still being worked out, but in Harris’ case, there was a three-point scale based on appearance, parentage, and commitment to color as evidenced by the colorness of one’s spouse or significant other.
Harris got 1/1 points for appearing to be a woman of color. She got ¼ point for her parentage (Her father—Jamaican was 1; her mother is Asian and that’s a -.5, unless one is from Pakistan or Bangladesh, in which case they are considered persons of color. This averages out to ¼). She lost ¼ point for her commitment to colorness. Harris’ husband is Jewish, so she was docked ¼ point. Had he been Asian, she would have been docked ½ point. Had he been white, but not Jewish, she would not have been docked any points, and had he been a person of color, she would have gotten 1 point.
That’s a little complicated, but there’s really only two things to remember: First, Harris got only 1 out of 3 points total, and that’s why she’s a 1/3rd person of color; second, that won’t be good enough next time around; and third, colorness is complex.


thespoof--2020-08-18--Pence Says No Virus on Toilet Seats

Pence Says No Virus on Toilet Seats

U.S .
Naval Observatory , Washington D. C. Speaking in the garden outside his official office , Vice President Pence @ @ @ @ @ the most common way of transmitting Covid-19 was from a toilet seat .
To show @ @ @ @ @ this , Pence said : '' If my grandchildren needed to go potty in a @ @ @ @ @ have no regrets about their use of a toilet there .
You ca n't get @ @ @ @ @ toilet seat , and you ca n't get Covid-19 that way either .
Kids are @ @ @ @ @ , and I 'd rather they sit on the potty than wet their pants .
@ @ @ @ @ however , that it might be wise to use a toilet seat cover , `` @ @ @ @ @

U.S. Naval Observatory, Washington D. C. Speaking in the garden outside his official office, Vice President Pence today dismissed the theory that the most common way of transmitting Covid-19 was from a toilet seat. To show how firmly he felt about this, Pence said:
"If my grandchildren needed to go potty in a public restroom, I would have no regrets about their use of a toilet there. You can't get syphilis or gonorrhea from a toilet seat, and you can't get Covid-19 that way either. Kids are practically immune to this virus, and I'd rather they sit on the potty than wet their pants."
He did suggest, however, that it might be wise to use a toilet seat cover, "Just in case."


thespoof--2020-08-18--Ghislaine Maxwell, the Alleged Sexual Predator, Wants To Be Released From Prison Because She Fears G

Ghislaine Maxwell, the Alleged Sexual Predator, Wants To Be Released From Prison Because She Fears Getting Sexually Molested.

BROOKLYN – ( Satire News ) - A woman who many consider to be one of the most evil sexual @ @ @ @ @ sex , has stated that she needs to be released from prison as soon as @ @ @ @ @ TMZ that if she is not released , and released soon , she fears that @ @ @ @ @ either one of the guards or some of the butch-dyke inmates .
The feminine-looking Maxwell @ @ @ @ @ meanest most masculine-looking female convicts have already drawn straws to see who is going to @ @ @ @ @ ' .
Ghislaine added that the one that won looks like Shaquille O ’ Neal @ @ @ @ @ eye liner , and 375 pounds of pure ugly fat .
The judge who heard @ @ @ @ @ due to Maxwell being one evil-as-hell predator bitch .

BROOKLYN – (Satire News) - A woman who many consider to be one of the most evil sexual predators in the history of sex, has stated that she needs to be released from prison as soon as possible.
Ghislaine Maxwell told TMZ that if she is not released, and released soon, she fears that she will be molested by either one of the guards or some of the butch-dyke inmates.
The feminine-looking Maxwell said that three of the meanest most masculine-looking female convicts have already drawn straws to see who is going to get to be her 'daddy'.
Ghislaine added that the one that won looks like Shaquille O’Neal with lipstick, mascara, eye liner, and 375 pounds of pure ugly fat.
The judge who heard the case denied her request due to Maxwell being one evil-as-hell predator bitch.


thespoof--2020-08-17--Make America’s Gays American (MAGA)

Make America’s Gays American (MAGA)

An early morning tweet from POTUS has America rising with pride .
“ Our gays are better than gays of any other country .
And now we will make them even greater.
” When asked for comment , the LGBTQ community did not give a straight answer .
The White House SOTD ( Spokesperson Of The Day ) stated that the Chinese gaming company Beijing Kunlun Tech had been forced to sell the dating app Grindr to an American group called San Vicente Acquisition Partners , for $ 608 million .
The Chinese had bought Grindr in 2016 for $ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ A 600 % return in 4 years proves that American Gays are a tremendous investment .
They are huge .
I love their Deep State.
” In separate but related news , American Lesbians have been clamouring for a ban on Kik Kok .
They want the app shafted .
They have found unexpected support from the Vegan Affiliated Group In North America ( VAGINA ) in the call to kick the meat habit .
The Lesbians have attached themselves to their new friends under the acronym VAGINAL and in an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , if he truly stands for , “ All Talk and no Kok.
” An afternoon tweet from POTUS confirmed , “ I have tremendous respect for women , and if you look carefully– there ’ s dame on both sides.
” The leadership at VAGINAL is fluid at the moment , but Alex Ellen , a librarian or a Lesbararian , as she prefers to call herself , answered all our males .
During an interview , she admitted that , while taking a position on Kik Kok can be slippery , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
She later tweeted , “ You can Taimi down , drag me by my Scruff or even Scissr me , but you ’ ll never get me out of Hornet ’ s muff.
” We ’ ve seen hieroglyphics that are easier to read .
Therefore , we have called Zoe , our in-house expert to decipher Alex ’ s tweet , but meanwhile , POTUS tweeted , in the evening , “ Despite the negative press covfefe , we are locked and loaded to bring our Lesbians home .
”

An early morning tweet from POTUS has America rising with pride. “Our gays are better than gays of any other country. And now we will make them even greater.”
When asked for comment, the LGBTQ community did not give a straight answer.
The White House SOTD ( Spokesperson Of The Day) stated that the Chinese gaming company Beijing Kunlun Tech had been forced to sell the dating app Grindr to an American group called San Vicente Acquisition Partners, for $608 million.
The Chinese had bought Grindr in 2016 for $93 million.
A mid-morning tweet read, “A 600% return in 4 years proves that American Gays are a tremendous investment. They are huge. I love their Deep State.”
In separate but related news, American Lesbians have been clamouring for a ban on Kik Kok. They want the app shafted. They have found unexpected support from the Vegan Affiliated Group In North America (VAGINA) in the call to kick the meat habit.
The Lesbians have attached themselves to their new friends under the acronym VAGINAL and in an open letter, have asked the POTUS, if he truly stands for, “All Talk and no Kok.”
An afternoon tweet from POTUS confirmed, “I have tremendous respect for women, and if you look carefully– there’s dame on both sides.”
The leadership at VAGINAL is fluid at the moment, but Alex Ellen, a librarian or a Lesbararian, as she prefers to call herself, answered all our males. During an interview, she admitted that, while taking a position on Kik Kok can be slippery, she has widespread experience in such situations.
She later tweeted, “You can Taimi down, drag me by my Scruff or even Scissr me, but you’ll never get me out of Hornet’s muff.”
We’ve seen hieroglyphics that are easier to read. Therefore, we have called Zoe, our in-house expert to decipher Alex’s tweet, but meanwhile, POTUS tweeted, in the evening, “Despite the negative press covfefe, we are locked and loaded to bring our Lesbians home.”


thespoof--2020-08-18--Pelosi, Biden, and Schumer Criticize Trump’s Mid East Deal

The recent agreement between Israel and the United Arab Emirates , in which the countries agreed to normalize relations , seems like a huge step forward for the Middle East , particularly if other countries in the region follow suit .
Nonetheless , Nancy Pelosi , Chuck Schumer , and even Joe Biden criticized the accord .
Pelosi , who was particularly critical , indicated that she will call for House hearings in the near future .
She noted that President Trump ’ s son-in-law , Jared Kushner , whom she characterized as “ a pissant , self-serving , corrupt @ @ @ @ @ @ @ significant role in negotiating the treaty .
“ The Trumps always go where the money is , and any deal involving the UAE must be looked at for conflicts of interest.
” Schumer spoke more positively of the treaty , and indicated he is hopeful that it will lead to a more peaceful Middle East .
Nonetheless , he indicated that Trump deserves little credit for the agreement , and that other factors allowed the process to move forward despite Trump .
For example , the agreement was just the culmination of a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Trump is simply damned lucky .
He got credit that should have gone to Obama for the economy , and now , he ’ s getting credit for possibly putting the Mid East on a path to end decades of conflict.
” Biden , for his part , noted that the UAE is quite a distance from Israel , and any treaty that does not have the support of Egypt and Hosni Mubarak is meaningless .
Biden had no further comment after being reminded that Egypt and Israel have had diplomatic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mubarak died earlier this year , and that Mubarak had been overthrown and out of power since 2011 .

The recent agreement between Israel and the United Arab Emirates, in which the countries agreed to normalize relations, seems like a huge step forward for the Middle East, particularly if other countries in the region follow suit. Nonetheless, Nancy Pelosi, Chuck Schumer, and even Joe Biden criticized the accord.
Pelosi, who was particularly critical, indicated that she will call for House hearings in the near future. She noted that President Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, whom she characterized as “a pissant, self-serving, corrupt, little bastard”, played a significant role in negotiating the treaty.
According to Pelosi:
“The Trumps always go where the money is, and any deal involving the UAE must be looked at for conflicts of interest.”
Schumer spoke more positively of the treaty, and indicated he is hopeful that it will lead to a more peaceful Middle East. Nonetheless, he indicated that Trump deserves little credit for the agreement, and that other factors allowed the process to move forward despite Trump. For example, the agreement was just the culmination of a process that started during the Carter administration.
“Trump is simply damned lucky. He got credit that should have gone to Obama for the economy, and now, he’s getting credit for possibly putting the Mid East on a path to end decades of conflict.”
Biden, for his part, noted that the UAE is quite a distance from Israel, and any treaty that does not have the support of Egypt and Hosni Mubarak is meaningless. Biden had no further comment after being reminded that Egypt and Israel have had diplomatic relations for over 40 years, that Mubarak died earlier this year, and that Mubarak had been overthrown and out of power since 2011.


thespoof--2020-08-18--Caitlyn Jenner Reveals That President Trump Came on to Her

HOLLYWOOD – ( Satire News ) - Caitlyn , the former Bruce Jenner , Olympic champion and Wheaties box adorner , has made a startling revelation .
The transgender Tinsel Town diva told Fox News that , just after Trump won the Electoral College election , he called her up and asked to meet with her .
The two arranged to meet at the Boom-Boom Lounge in Trump Tower .
Jenner said that as they were sitting at their table , the president suddenly reached underneath the table and grabbed her knee .
Caitlyn said that Trump told her that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Jenner recalls telling him , “ That ’ s not my knee , Bozo face.
” He said Trump laughed , he laughed , and three people who were sitting at the next table who overheard also laughed .
Trump suddenly got a phone call from Melania , and he had to cut their dinner date short .
Caitlyn told Fox News that Donald told her he would call her and set up another date in a week or so .
Jenner said that Trump autographed a dinner napkin and gave it to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I think you ’ re pretty – not as pretty as Melania , Marla , or Stormy , but you ’ ll do ; especially in the dark .
”

HOLLYWOOD – (Satire News) - Caitlyn, the former Bruce Jenner, Olympic champion and Wheaties box adorner, has made a startling revelation.
The transgender Tinsel Town diva told Fox News that, just after Trump won the Electoral College election, he called her up and asked to meet with her.
The two arranged to meet at the Boom-Boom Lounge in Trump Tower. Jenner said that as they were sitting at their table, the president suddenly reached underneath the table and grabbed her knee.
Caitlyn said that Trump told her that she sure had a boney knee. Jenner recalls telling him, “That’s not my knee, Bozo face.”
He said Trump laughed, he laughed, and three people who were sitting at the next table who overheard also laughed.
Trump suddenly got a phone call from Melania, and he had to cut their dinner date short.
Caitlyn told Fox News that Donald told her he would call her and set up another date in a week or so.
Jenner said that Trump autographed a dinner napkin and gave it to her. It read “To CJ. I think you’re pretty – not as pretty as Melania, Marla, or Stormy, but you’ll do; especially in the dark.”