thespoof--2020-04-20--Hard Time for Viagra Astronauts

Hard Time for Viagra Astronauts

THE sponsors of America ’ s first manned commercial space flight have been announced as Viagra .
Elon Musk , who runs Space X , the company ready to launch its first two astronauts into orbit shortly , said that the sponsorship deal had attracted stiff opposition .
He said : “ Viagra were very persistent in their pursuit of this deal .
Frankly , we didn ’ t know if they could keep it up.
” “ In the end we had to say yes to their firm offer , which was hard on their competitors.
” “ It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ deal get away , but we were determined not to pull a boner on this one.
” The mission , which will send two mature NASA astronauts into space from American soil for the first time in almost 20 years , has been beset by controversy .
NASA have been forced to deny that the astronauts 53-year-old Douglas Hurley and 49-year-old Robert Behnken will be handsomely paid to demonstrate their sponsors ’ products in space .
A spokesman said the astronauts had received a lot of unfair criticism , and were patriots who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said : “ Our men need no incentive to stand up for their country .
”

THE sponsors of America’s first manned commercial space flight have been announced as Viagra.
Elon Musk, who runs Space X, the company ready to launch its first two astronauts into orbit shortly, said that the sponsorship deal had attracted stiff opposition.
He said: “Viagra were very persistent in their pursuit of this deal. Frankly, we didn’t know if they could keep it up.”
“In the end we had to say yes to their firm offer, which was hard on their competitors.”
“It would have been easy to let this deal get away, but we were determined not to pull a boner on this one.”
The mission, which will send two mature NASA astronauts into space from American soil for the first time in almost 20 years, has been beset by controversy.
NASA have been forced to deny that the astronauts 53-year-old Douglas Hurley and 49-year-old Robert Behnken will be handsomely paid to demonstrate their sponsors’ products in space.
A spokesman said the astronauts had received a lot of unfair criticism, and were patriots who were just doing their service. He said: “Our men need no incentive to stand up for their country.”


thespoof--2020-04-20--Attractive Woman Hurt No One Willing to Social Distance With Her

Isolated and craving physical companionship in the midst of the nationwide coronavirus lockdown , Bonnie Radick of Nashville , Tennessee , was hurt that , while there were a good number of men willing to come have sex with her , she could not find anyone , male or female , willing to social distance with her .
“ You find out who your friends are during times like this , ” said the 34-year-old Radick .
“ And I found out I have none .
The guys I know just want to sleep with me , and women I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ see me .
No one wants to just talk to me from a few feet away.
” While there were a few female acquaintances who professed to miss her , said Radick , their politically correct insistence on strict adherence to the governor 's shelter in place order won out over their desire for her in-person company .
`` Rules , rules , rules , '' said Radick .
`` Who knew how much all my female friends loved them !
It 's like now they have a purpose in life - a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Which is not to leave their houses . ''
Fortunately , said Radick , the experience of having no one but herself to rely on has spurred her creativity and gotten her back in touch with her inner child .
“ I 'm writing a children ’ s book about a homeless girl who lives in an alley , ” she said .
“ And I ’ m learning to play guitar.
” Radick said that she is also contemplating applying to grad school for psychology , in order to learn more @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I didn ’ t mean it that way , ” she said .
“ I mean , learn how the mind works .
What makes people tick.
” Radick added that once the dark cloud of COVID-19 has lifted and life returns , more or less , to normal , she doesn ’ t anticipate that much will personally change for her .
“ At this point , I ’ m kind of my own favorite person .
So maybe I ’ ll start incorporating other people into my lifestyle again at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I ’ m good .
Thanks , coronavirus !
”

Isolated and craving physical companionship in the midst of the nationwide coronavirus lockdown, Bonnie Radick of Nashville, Tennessee, was hurt that, while there were a good number of men willing to come have sex with her, she could not find anyone, male or female, willing to social distance with her.
“You find out who your friends are during times like this,” said the 34-year-old Radick. “And I found out I have none. The guys I know just want to sleep with me, and women I know are just as glad never to see me. No one wants to just talk to me from a few feet away.”
While there were a few female acquaintances who professed to miss her, said Radick, their politically correct insistence on strict adherence to the governor's shelter in place order won out over their desire for her in-person company. "Rules, rules, rules," said Radick. "Who knew how much all my female friends loved them! It's like now they have a purpose in life - a reason for getting up in the morning. Which is not to leave their houses."
Fortunately, said Radick, the experience of having no one but herself to rely on has spurred her creativity and gotten her back in touch with her inner child. “I'm writing a children’s book about a homeless girl who lives in an alley,” she said. “And I’m learning to play guitar.”
Radick said that she is also contemplating applying to grad school for psychology, in order to learn more about why people suck so much. “I didn’t mean it that way,” she said. “I mean, learn how the mind works. What makes people tick.”
Radick added that once the dark cloud of COVID-19 has lifted and life returns, more or less, to normal, she doesn’t anticipate that much will personally change for her. “At this point, I’m kind of my own favorite person. So maybe I’ll start incorporating other people into my lifestyle again at some point, but for now, I’m good. Thanks, coronavirus!”


thespoof--2020-04-20--Florida Reopens The Infamous Hurricane Beach

HURRICANE BEACH , Florida – In what local residents are calling a very unpopular decision in this day of the Coronavirus , the Florida Beach Authority has decided to reopen Hurricane Beach .
When life-time resident , Trixie Belle Stufflebaum , 91 , heard the news the church-going evangelical blurted out , “ What the eff !
” Trixie Belle , who lives a mere 100 yards from the beach , said that , a few weeks ago , she saw more boobs and ass cheeks than she had seen in her entire life .
She wondered if some of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ buy their bikini swimsuits out of a Post Office stamp machine .
The elderly woman said , as she sat on her porch , that she had never heard so much cussing , screaming , sneezing , and coughing in all of her 91 years .
Trixie Belle commented that she will just go with the flow , and added that she has drawn all of her shades , turned off all of her lights , and , most of the time , she just nervously sits in her bathroom singing old , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dog , Sniffles .

HURRICANE BEACH, Florida – In what local residents are calling a very unpopular decision in this day of the Coronavirus, the Florida Beach Authority has decided to reopen Hurricane Beach.
When life-time resident, Trixie Belle Stufflebaum, 91, heard the news the church-going evangelical blurted out, “What the eff!”
Trixie Belle, who lives a mere 100 yards from the beach, said that, a few weeks ago, she saw more boobs and ass cheeks than she had seen in her entire life.
She wondered if some of these nubile college girls didn’t buy their bikini swimsuits out of a Post Office stamp machine.
The elderly woman said, as she sat on her porch, that she had never heard so much cussing, screaming, sneezing, and coughing in all of her 91 years.
Trixie Belle commented that she will just go with the flow, and added that she has drawn all of her shades, turned off all of her lights, and, most of the time, she just nervously sits in her bathroom singing old, popular Irish clogging songs to her pet dog, Sniffles.


thespoof--2020-04-20--Conservative News Mogul Matt Drudge Says He Doesn’t Like President Trump Trying to Boss Him Around

MIAMI – One of Trump ’ s biggest supporters seems to have turned on his once-upon-a-time hero .
Matt Drudge , of the famed conservative site The Drudge Report , says that he does not like the president telling him what to print and what not to print .
Drudge made it clear to the president that this is not 1940s Nazi Germany , and he is not the German leader , Adolf Hitler .
POTUS got very upset with Drudge , because he refused to print that Trump is the most popular American in 193 of the world ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wanted him to print that Nancy Pelosi was pregnant with Robert DeNiro ’ s baby .
Drudge told him that , that is just a flat-out lie , like when Trump told him last year that he and Eric had climbed to the very top of 19,341-feet Mt .
Kilimanjaro in an hour and fifteen minutes .
Trump fired back saying that Drudge is starting to look like CNN 's Don Lemon .
He paused and added , well maybe not look like him , but sound like him , for damn sure @

MIAMI – One of Trump’s biggest supporters seems to have turned on his once-upon-a-time hero.
Matt Drudge, of the famed conservative site The Drudge Report, says that he does not like the president telling him what to print and what not to print.
Drudge made it clear to the president that this is not 1940s Nazi Germany, and he is not the German leader, Adolf Hitler.
POTUS got very upset with Drudge, because he refused to print that Trump is the most popular American in 193 of the world’s 196 countries.
The president also wanted him to print that Nancy Pelosi was pregnant with Robert DeNiro’s baby.
Drudge told him that, that is just a flat-out lie, like when Trump told him last year that he and Eric had climbed to the very top of 19,341-feet Mt. Kilimanjaro in an hour and fifteen minutes.
Trump fired back saying that Drudge is starting to look like CNN's Don Lemon. He paused and added, well maybe not look like him, but sound like him, for damn sure.


thespoof--2020-04-19--President Trump Wants His Base to Donate Their Coronavirus Stimulus Checks To His Re-Election Campai

President Trump Wants His Base to Donate Their Coronavirus Stimulus Checks To His Re-Election Campaign

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump stated at his daily C-19 Press Conference/Campaign Pep Rally that he hopes everyone appreciates that he has just given them a very nice monetary present .
Trump stuck out his chest and said that he wants to show his base how much he appreciates their support , and added that he hopes that some of the Democrats are so thrilled that they will vote for him in November .
The darling of the GOP added that he wants the members of his base to donate their Coronavirus Stimulus Checks to his 2020 Presidential Re-Election @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Democrats in Congress wanted the checks to be for $ 75 but he insisted that they be for $ 1,200 .
POTUS mentioned that Ivanka ( aka The White House Barbie ) suggested to her daddy that next month he FedEx packages of food products to every man , woman , and child in the Continental United States , even if they didn ’ t vote for him .
Daddy ( aka the President ) said that it was an excellent idea and he will put Vice-President Pence in charge of that program @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 's wishes , Pence immediately told him that he wants for Eric and Donald Jr. to be in charge of going to the various grocery stores and supervising the buying of the various food products .
Right away , Eric said that he is too busy playing Cell Phone Solitaire and Donnie Jr. , remarked that he is too busy playing with Kimberly Guilfoyle .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump stated at his daily C-19 Press Conference/Campaign Pep Rally that he hopes everyone appreciates that he has just given them a very nice monetary present.
Trump stuck out his chest and said that he wants to show his base how much he appreciates their support, and added that he hopes that some of the Democrats are so thrilled that they will vote for him in November.
The darling of the GOP added that he wants the members of his base to donate their Coronavirus Stimulus Checks to his 2020 Presidential Re-Election Campaign Fund.
He noted that the Democrats in Congress wanted the checks to be for $75 but he insisted that they be for $1,200.
POTUS mentioned that Ivanka (aka The White House Barbie) suggested to her daddy that next month he FedEx packages of food products to every man, woman, and child in the Continental United States, even if they didn’t vote for him.
Daddy (aka the President) said that it was an excellent idea and he will put Vice-President Pence in charge of that program.
Upon being told of the president's wishes, Pence immediately told him that he wants for Eric and Donald Jr. to be in charge of going to the various grocery stores and supervising the buying of the various food products.
Right away, Eric said that he is too busy playing Cell Phone Solitaire and Donnie Jr., remarked that he is too busy playing with Kimberly Guilfoyle.


thespoof--2020-04-20--Vegans Ecstatic as COVID-19 Does What Decades of Protesting Could Not Accomplish

( Worthington , Minnesota ) Vegans around the country joyously celebrated today as JBS , the world ’ s largest producer of certified dolphin-free beef and heart-healthy pork and pork by-products , shuttered its largest production facility in the U.S. this week over an outbreak of Coronavirus there .
This is the third closing for JBS this week , joining other closings by producers Hormel and Tyson Foods , which have had similar virus outbreaks in their slaughterhouses and production facilities .
Although hundreds of workers have been infected with dozens fighting for their lives , vegans are overjoyed by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ food supply chain .
We caught up with one vegan activist , Celeste Saffron , at her rammed-mud hut in the Sunburst Sanctuary in California .
“ I am a lifelong vegan , and , for decades , we have been protesting the exploitation of animals , as well as the consumption of meat at the expense of beautiful , sentient creatures , and nothing has happened.
” She restlessly shuffled the Goodwill-acquired worn Birkenstocks on her feet , and continued , “ As a vegan , I have organized protests at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and screamed at people outside of Chick Fil A , and tried to block the trucks full of beautiful future-bacon at the entrances of production facilities.
” Brushing the dank , greasy hair braids from her face , she added , “ Up to this point , my efforts as a vegan have not made any difference .
Now , with the virus , industrial animal flesh production plants are shutting down across the country .
We vegans welcome this virus with open arms as a savior and ally in our fight against @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asked about the thousands of workers now infected with the virus and dozens expected to die , Celeste became indignant , “ To a vegan like me , those lives are no more important than the Egg McMuffin you had for breakfast !
If it takes a virus to halt meat production , and people die in the process , it ’ s better for them than the Wilbur or Pickwick or Nemo lives that are saved.
” Bringing up the fact that vegans can become infected with the virus just as easily @ @ @ @ @ @ @ paused in her herbal-tea infused stream of consciousness to take a whiff from a scented candle and retorted : “ We are immune !
Look , it was a BAT that brought us this virus .
Doesn ’ t that tell you something ?
Doesn ’ t that tell you the animal kingdom has had enough ?
Don ’ t you think they have been plotting this for years ?
The Bats are on OUR side !
” We left Celeste so she could prepare dinner of Beyond Meat burgers , which simulate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ made from “ exploited ” species .
But in a vegan way .

(Worthington, Minnesota) Vegans around the country joyously celebrated today as JBS, the world’s largest producer of certified dolphin-free beef and heart-healthy pork and pork by-products, shuttered its largest production facility in the U.S. this week over an outbreak of Coronavirus there. This is the third closing for JBS this week, joining other closings by producers Hormel and Tyson Foods, which have had similar virus outbreaks in their slaughterhouses and production facilities. Although hundreds of workers have been infected with dozens fighting for their lives, vegans are overjoyed by these closings and subsequent impact on our food supply chain.
We caught up with one vegan activist, Celeste Saffron, at her rammed-mud hut in the Sunburst Sanctuary in California. “I am a lifelong vegan, and, for decades, we have been protesting the exploitation of animals, as well as the consumption of meat at the expense of beautiful, sentient creatures, and nothing has happened.” She restlessly shuffled the Goodwill-acquired worn Birkenstocks on her feet, and continued, “As a vegan, I have organized protests at the local Whole Foods meat counter, yelled and screamed at people outside of Chick Fil A, and tried to block the trucks full of beautiful future-bacon at the entrances of production facilities.”
Brushing the dank, greasy hair braids from her face, she added, “Up to this point, my efforts as a vegan have not made any difference. Now, with the virus, industrial animal flesh production plants are shutting down across the country. We vegans welcome this virus with open arms as a savior and ally in our fight against the Big Mac consumption society.”
When asked about the thousands of workers now infected with the virus and dozens expected to die, Celeste became indignant, “To a vegan like me, those lives are no more important than the Egg McMuffin you had for breakfast! If it takes a virus to halt meat production, and people die in the process, it’s better for them than the Wilbur or Pickwick or Nemo lives that are saved.”
Bringing up the fact that vegans can become infected with the virus just as easily as those who consume meat, she paused in her herbal-tea infused stream of consciousness to take a whiff from a scented candle and retorted: “We are immune! Look, it was a BAT that brought us this virus. Doesn’t that tell you something? Doesn’t that tell you the animal kingdom has had enough? Don’t you think they have been plotting this for years? The Bats are on OUR side!”
We left Celeste so she could prepare dinner of Beyond Meat burgers, which simulate the flavor and blood juices of burgers made from “exploited” species. But in a vegan way.


thespoof--2020-04-20--National Steakhouse Chain Restaurant Gloating After Receiving SBA Loan Meant For Small Business

National Steakhouse chain restaurant , Chris ' Ruth , have announced that , despite making over $ 900 million in profit last year , they still received $ 40 million from The Paycheck Protection Program , which exhausted its $ 350 billion in funding last week .
Meanwhile , 'Dave 's Sandwich & Snack Bar ' missed out on the loan , forcing the owner , 'Dave ' , to close shop , and shut down his business for good .
CEO of Chris ' Ruth , Alan G Reedy , has not wasted any opportunity in rubbing everyone ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ loan , and has reportedly taken every possible opportunity to pat himself on the back for obtaining funds which his company did n't even need .
`` Since COVID-19 started , I feel like the company has a new lease on life , ” boasted Reedy , during yet another of his unbelievably self-aggrandizing stories about having 'the greatest business brain on the planet ' .
“ I feel great , and my business is doing great .
I urge Congress to ensure that all large businesses take advantage of this opportunity and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like 'Dave 's Sandwich & Snack Bar ' , who do n't charge $ 10 for a plate of french fries and $ 60 for an 8oz steak .
Idiots like him , who are n't greedy scumbags , is what is wrong with America . ''
`` We are still doing take out food , so we are still making money - BUT we do n't need the waiters , so we are actually making more money than ever before ! '
the self-centered showboat continued , once again subjecting everyone within @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , obnoxious rants about how great America is .
“ When you get through something like this , it really changes your perspective .
You understand what ’ s truly important in life .
Things such as money , wealth , more money and sticking it to the little man.
” Not content to gloat and strut about in front of just those in his immediate vicinity , the haughty , self-important prick says he plans to seek out the biggest audience he can get by starting a blog to advise other large @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get money while smaller businesses miss out .
The pretentious blowhard has reportedly not been shy about discussing what he vainly refers to as his company 's “ journey ” .
Sources confirmed that , when asked , the egomaniac won ’ t hesitate to drone on about how he screwed over the little guy to ensure he got richer , barely letting anyone else get a word in edgewise .
The out-of-control narcissist implying in so many words that everyone should bow down to his greatness for ripping off the taxpayer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ' , said : `` This is what makes America great .
The big guy always wins .
And it is people like me , with our yachts , big houses , and expensive cars who are the real backbone of this great country .
Not fools like 'Dave ' , who are just content to get by and serve his community .
This whole episode will hopefully , once and for all , rid the country of these so-called 'mom and pop ' businesses . ''
At press time , the unbearable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to a Go Fund Me page supporting his favorite charity 'Mansions for Millionaires ' .

National Steakhouse chain restaurant, Chris' Ruth, have announced that, despite making over $900 million in profit last year, they still received $40 million from The Paycheck Protection Program, which exhausted its $350 billion in funding last week. Meanwhile, 'Dave's Sandwich & Snack Bar' missed out on the loan, forcing the owner, 'Dave', to close shop, and shut down his business for good.
CEO of Chris' Ruth, Alan G Reedy, has not wasted any opportunity in rubbing everyone’s face in his gratitude for the loan, and has reportedly taken every possible opportunity to pat himself on the back for obtaining funds which his company didn't even need.
"Since COVID-19 started, I feel like the company has a new lease on life,” boasted Reedy, during yet another of his unbelievably self-aggrandizing stories about having 'the greatest business brain on the planet'. “I feel great, and my business is doing great. I urge Congress to ensure that all large businesses take advantage of this opportunity and fuck the small ones. Especially businesses like 'Dave's Sandwich & Snack Bar', who don't charge $10 for a plate of french fries and $60 for an 8oz steak. Idiots like him, who aren't greedy scumbags, is what is wrong with America."
"We are still doing take out food, so we are still making money - BUT we don't need the waiters, so we are actually making more money than ever before!' the self-centered showboat continued, once again subjecting everyone within earshot to another one of his overbearing, obnoxious rants about how great America is. “When you get through something like this, it really changes your perspective. You understand what’s truly important in life. Things such as money, wealth, more money and sticking it to the little man.”
Not content to gloat and strut about in front of just those in his immediate vicinity, the haughty, self-important prick says he plans to seek out the biggest audience he can get by starting a blog to advise other large companies how to 'use the system' to get money while smaller businesses miss out.
The pretentious blowhard has reportedly not been shy about discussing what he vainly refers to as his company's “journey”. Sources confirmed that, when asked, the egomaniac won’t hesitate to drone on about how he screwed over the little guy to ensure he got richer, barely letting anyone else get a word in edgewise.
The out-of-control narcissist implying in so many words that everyone should bow down to his greatness for ripping off the taxpayer, small business and the 'little people', said: "This is what makes America great. The big guy always wins. And it is people like me, with our yachts, big houses, and expensive cars who are the real backbone of this great country. Not fools like 'Dave', who are just content to get by and serve his community. This whole episode will hopefully, once and for all, rid the country of these so-called 'mom and pop' businesses."
At press time, the unbearable asshole was asking fellow Americans to donate to a Go Fund Me page supporting his favorite charity 'Mansions for Millionaires'.
Twat.


thespoof--2020-04-19--CDC Warns that Coronavirus May Linger on Petals So Don’t Stop and Smell the Roses

Cautioning that the novel coronavirus can linger on surfaces like flower petals for up to 17 hours , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned people not to stop and smell the roses , even though they could die at any moment from COVID-19 .
“ Some of our advice is counter-intuitive , which is why it ’ s so important to continuously stay attuned to the news , ” said CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield .
“ That bit you miss could be what could have saved your life.
” He added , “ Unless you already had @ @ @ @ @ @ @ which case you were doomed regardless.
” Redfield emphasized that the rose petal coronavirus warning may be particularly important for people who , unemployed and at loose ends since the nearly worldwide lockdown went into effect , had been taking the time to do things like stop and smell the roses .
“ What they really need to stop doing is going outside at all , ” he said .
“ Nature is an extremely dangerous place .
And COVID-19 is n't the only virus out there.
” Redfield urged people to remain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ unprecedented pandemic claims the lives of countless unsuspecting souls around the globe , some of whose grave mistake of sniffing unsanitized flora without a face mask ended up taking them to their literal graves .
“ In these darkest of times , a positive attitude can make all the difference , ” he said .

Cautioning that the novel coronavirus can linger on surfaces like flower petals for up to 17 hours, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention warned people not to stop and smell the roses, even though they could die at any moment from COVID-19.
“Some of our advice is counter-intuitive, which is why it’s so important to continuously stay attuned to the news,” said CDC Director Dr. Robert Redfield. “That bit you miss could be what could have saved your life.”
He added, “Unless you already had the virus, of course. In which case you were doomed regardless.”
Redfield emphasized that the rose petal coronavirus warning may be particularly important for people who, unemployed and at loose ends since the nearly worldwide lockdown went into effect, had been taking the time to do things like stop and smell the roses. “What they really need to stop doing is going outside at all,” he said. “Nature is an extremely dangerous place. And COVID-19 isn't the only virus out there.”
Redfield urged people to remain optimistic and emotionally balanced, as the unprecedented pandemic claims the lives of countless unsuspecting souls around the globe, some of whose grave mistake of sniffing unsanitized flora without a face mask ended up taking them to their literal graves. “In these darkest of times, a positive attitude can make all the difference,” he said.


thespoof--2020-04-21--CDC Assures Americans that Lessons They’re Learning from COVID-19 Will Serve Them Well in Next Pande

CDC Assures Americans that Lessons They’re Learning from COVID-19 Will Serve Them Well in Next Pandemic, Which Will Likely Be More Like Leprosy

Congratulating Americans on their response to the deadly worldwide COVID-19 pandemic , the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouraged people that they 'll be able to apply the lessons they ’ re learning from coronavirus in the next pandemic , which will likely be a disease more like leprosy than a mere respiratory flu .
“ People are sacrificing everything , including their relationships , their mental health , and their livelihoods , to avoid a virus that 's extremely unlikely to kill them , '' said CDC Commissioner Robert Redfield .
`` We should all feel very proud @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whether the societal and emotional toll taken by the global lockdown might dwarf the actual physical risk posed by COVID-19 , Redfield emphasized that people 's habits of self-isolation and hyper-vigilance regarding viruses and bacteria will not go to waste , since the next pandemic is not only expected to come along very soon , but will probably be much more severe than coronavirus .
`` People who complained about social distancing when no one around them was even feeling sick , might not have such a problem with it once they start @ @ @ @ @ @ @ off , '' he said .
`` At that point , they 'll be glad they got used to hanging around the house.
” He added , `` In fact , once we 're facing the next super-virus or antibiotic-resistant super-bacteria generated from our animal agriculture system , people will wish that all they had to worry about was COVID-19 . ''
The bottom line , said Redfield , is that in responding as compliantly and obediently as they have to the shelter in place orders and other COVID-19-related restrictions , Americans have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to serve them extremely well in our increasingly toxic world .
“ I hope that gives people some hope that this has n't all been in vain , ” he said .

Congratulating Americans on their response to the deadly worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention encouraged people that they'll be able to apply the lessons they’re learning from coronavirus in the next pandemic, which will likely be a disease more like leprosy than a mere respiratory flu.
“People are sacrificing everything, including their relationships, their mental health, and their livelihoods, to avoid a virus that's extremely unlikely to kill them," said CDC Commissioner Robert Redfield. "We should all feel very proud."
And while some have questioned whether the societal and emotional toll taken by the global lockdown might dwarf the actual physical risk posed by COVID-19, Redfield emphasized that people's habits of self-isolation and hyper-vigilance regarding viruses and bacteria will not go to waste, since the next pandemic is not only expected to come along very soon, but will probably be much more severe than coronavirus. "People who complained about social distancing when no one around them was even feeling sick, might not have such a problem with it once they start seeing people's limbs rotting and falling off," he said. "At that point, they'll be glad they got used to hanging around the house.”
He added, "In fact, once we're facing the next super-virus or antibiotic-resistant super-bacteria generated from our animal agriculture system, people will wish that all they had to worry about was COVID-19."
The bottom line, said Redfield, is that in responding as compliantly and obediently as they have to the shelter in place orders and other COVID-19-related restrictions, Americans have been developing life skills that will continue to serve them extremely well in our increasingly toxic world. “I hope that gives people some hope that this hasn't all been in vain,” he said.


thespoof--2020-04-21--Nicolle Wallace Says She is Afraid That President Trump is Heading for a Nervous Breakdown

NEW YORK CITY - Nicolle Wallace served as communications director under President George W. Bush .
The former staunch Republican woman says that she has had her fill of DJT , who she opines is 73 going on 3 .
Wallace , said that she is afraid that the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue resident has lost whatever marbles he had left .
She pointed out that a ball-peen hammer has more compassion for his fellow man that President # 45 does .
Wallace , who is an anchor with MSNBC , recently said that Trump has gone bananas .
When asked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ The guy has turned into a Luby ’ s fruit salad .
Nicolle ( who spells her name with two l 's and one c ) then said that she had heard that even hard-core Trump supporter Senator Lindsey Graham is starting to wonder if maybe it 's time to ship Donnie boy off to the political looney bin .
The media is reporting that more and more GOPers are gradually starting to agree with Nicolle .
And in the comfort of their self-isolation homes , apartments , and trailers , many @ @ @ @ @ @ @ blonde anchor lady a virtual high five .
Nicolle truly believes that if POTUS keeps on sparring with the national news reporters during his press conference/campaign rallies he is going to have a complete and total nervous breakdown before the entire world .
Even the first lady , Melania Trump has said that she fears her husband is going to have a ‘ hugemongous ’ meltdown on national television .

NEW YORK CITY - Nicolle Wallace served as communications director under President George W. Bush.
The former staunch Republican woman says that she has had her fill of DJT, who she opines is 73 going on 3.
Wallace, said that she is afraid that the 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue resident has lost whatever marbles he had left.
She pointed out that a ball-peen hammer has more compassion for his fellow man that President #45 does.
Wallace, who is an anchor with MSNBC, recently said that Trump has gone bananas. When asked to explain, she simply said, “The guy has turned into a Luby’s fruit salad.
Nicolle (who spells her name with two l's and one c) then said that she had heard that even hard-core Trump supporter Senator Lindsey Graham is starting to wonder if maybe it's time to ship Donnie boy off to the political looney bin.
The media is reporting that more and more GOPers are gradually starting to agree with Nicolle.
And in the comfort of their self-isolation homes, apartments, and trailers, many of his base are actually giving the blonde anchor lady a virtual high five.
Nicolle truly believes that if POTUS keeps on sparring with the national news reporters during his press conference/campaign rallies he is going to have a complete and total nervous breakdown before the entire world.
Even the first lady, Melania Trump has said that she fears her husband is going to have a ‘hugemongous’ meltdown on national television.


thespoof--2020-04-21--Kim Jong Un Transferred to US Walter Reed Hospital in Late Night Rescue Mission

( Bethesda , MD ) Under direct orders from President Trump , North Korea ’ s president , Kim Jong Un , was airlifted out of the country ’ s capital city in a late-night rescue mission , and flown to the United States , where he was admitted to the Walter Reed Army Medical Center ( WRAMC ) early this morning .
Intelligence sources have stated , over the past few days , that Kim ’ s health was likely deteriorating rapidly after a cardiovascular system procedure on April 12 .
Kim received the procedure because of `` excessive @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' according to a news source located in South Korea .
Trump gave the order to evacuate his friend and fellow tyrant directly to the 731st Air Mobility Squadron out of Osan Air Base , South Korea .
Trump stated , “ I heard he was n't doing well , and immediately called and offered him help.
” When asked how he could allow Kim in , when , only the day before , Trump announced that the United States was going to be , “ ... completely sealed off to foreigners ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ snapped back : “ I did not say that , it is fake news , and if I did say that , I meant those brown people from the south , they are not sending us their best , you know.
” Trump went on about why he felt compelled to help Kim , “ Remember , he sent me a beautiful note , a love letter .
We shook hands at that zone ; no other president has ever done that .
I can not turn my back on him now .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ ventilators that I stole from a shipment to Minnesota .
We have beautiful , tremendous ventilators .
Expensive and complicated .
Like you wouldn ’ t believe.
” He excitedly rambled on , “ You know he won his last six elections by a landslide ?
And I ’ m talking landslide .
His electoral map was almost as good as mine !
” A nurse that works within the WRAMC said that Kim was being seen by the same team of doctors that attended to President Trump last November on the no-notice @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his annual physical exam early ” , according to ( then ) White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham .
It is unclear why the same team was assigned to Kim , who suffers from cardiovascular problems , as Trump is lacking that afflicted organ in the first place .
Sources within Kim ’ s country apparently have no idea that Kim even left .
As with the United States , North Korea tightly controls any information surrounding its leader , who is treated like a deity within the country .

(Bethesda, MD) Under direct orders from President Trump, North Korea’s president, Kim Jong Un, was airlifted out of the country’s capital city in a late-night rescue mission, and flown to the United States, where he was admitted to the Walter Reed Army Medical Center (WRAMC) early this morning.
Intelligence sources have stated, over the past few days, that Kim’s health was likely deteriorating rapidly after a cardiovascular system procedure on April 12. Kim received the procedure because of "excessive smoking, obesity, and overwork," according to a news source located in South Korea.
Trump gave the order to evacuate his friend and fellow tyrant directly to the 731st Air Mobility Squadron out of Osan Air Base, South Korea. Trump stated, “I heard he wasn't doing well, and immediately called and offered him help.” When asked how he could allow Kim in, when, only the day before, Trump announced that the United States was going to be, “...completely sealed off to foreigners” due to the Coronavirus, the President snapped back: “I did not say that, it is fake news, and if I did say that, I meant those brown people from the south, they are not sending us their best, you know.”
Trump went on about why he felt compelled to help Kim, “Remember, he sent me a beautiful note, a love letter. We shook hands at that zone; no other president has ever done that. I cannot turn my back on him now. He may need one of my new ventilators that I stole from a shipment to Minnesota. We have beautiful, tremendous ventilators. Expensive and complicated. Like you wouldn’t believe.” He excitedly rambled on, “You know he won his last six elections by a landslide? And I’m talking landslide. His electoral map was almost as good as mine!”
A nurse that works within the WRAMC said that Kim was being seen by the same team of doctors that attended to President Trump last November on the no-notice emergency visit to, “...start his annual physical exam early”, according to (then) White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham. It is unclear why the same team was assigned to Kim, who suffers from cardiovascular problems, as Trump is lacking that afflicted organ in the first place.
Sources within Kim’s country apparently have no idea that Kim even left. As with the United States, North Korea tightly controls any information surrounding its leader, who is treated like a deity within the country.


thespoof--2020-04-22--Nashville Man Wonders What Noses Have to Do with Mindfulness

While being trained in mindfulness at a local meditation center , Ben Chapman of Nashville , Tennessee , became confused when his teacher kept referring to various different noses .
“ The teacher kept talking about one nose breathing in , one nose breathing out , one nose breathing short , one nose breathing long , ” said Chapman .
“ But I ’ ve only got one nose .
And it ’ s doing only one thing at a time.
” He shook his head woefully .
“ Honestly , it ’ s tough trying to focus on a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
I ’ m much better at zoning in on particulars and concentrating exclusively on one thing at a time .
I ’ m not very good at this mindfulness thing.
” Still , despite the challenges posed by noses and multitasking , Chapman does plan to stick with the Buddhist path as best he can , even if it ’ s painful and distressing and tends to make him anxious .
“ On the plus side , I am getting to know suffering , so maybe it ’ s not a total @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is what it is.
” He chuckled .
`` I 've got that part down , at least . ''

While being trained in mindfulness at a local meditation center, Ben Chapman of Nashville, Tennessee, became confused when his teacher kept referring to various different noses.
“The teacher kept talking about one nose breathing in, one nose breathing out, one nose breathing short, one nose breathing long,” said Chapman. “But I’ve only got one nose. And it’s doing only one thing at a time.”
He shook his head woefully. “Honestly, it’s tough trying to focus on a bunch of different things all at once. I’m much better at zoning in on particulars and concentrating exclusively on one thing at a time. I’m not very good at this mindfulness thing.”
Still, despite the challenges posed by noses and multitasking, Chapman does plan to stick with the Buddhist path as best he can, even if it’s painful and distressing and tends to make him anxious. “On the plus side, I am getting to know suffering, so maybe it’s not a total loss. As they say, it is what it is.” He chuckled. "I've got that part down, at least."


thespoof--2020-04-21--CDC Encourages Americans that Lessons They’re Learning from COVID-19 Will Serve Them Well in Next Pa

CDC Encourages Americans that Lessons They’re Learning from COVID-19 Will Serve Them Well in Next Pandemic, Which Will Likely Be More Like Leprosy


thespoof--2020-04-22--Shelter-in-Placers are Now Having Parties Through the Magic of Face-Timing

MIAMI – People who are following the orders to shelter-in-place and stay-at-home , have just found a way to get together with relatives , friends , neighbors , and love interests .
Noted party planner , Lucy Bogart , who is known in high society circles as “ Luscious Lucy ” , says that her and her husband ( Harry ) are used to throwing fabulously lavish drug-centered parties every weekend .
Mrs. Bogart hit upon the idea of having what she calls a “ Face Time Party ” while buying some Durango Bango marijuana from her drug dealer known @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sent out FTP invitations to 20 of her closest and richest friends to participate in what she calls Lucy & Harry ’ s Face Time Booze & Drugs Gala .
The party started right on time at 8 pm , and ran until midnight .
Face Timers chatted and exchanged goings-on while drinking their favorite beverages , eating their favorite food , and ingesting their desired drugs of choice in the privacy of their own homes .
One high society lady said that she loved the idea , because she was able to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comfort of her own home and wearing just a French black tank-top and no underwear .
The concept of Face Timing Parties is starting to catch on with extremely wealthy people ( mostly on the left coast ) who are stuck in their multi-million dollar mansions with pretty much every kind of drug known to man .

MIAMI – People who are following the orders to shelter-in-place and stay-at-home, have just found a way to get together with relatives, friends, neighbors, and love interests.
Noted party planner, Lucy Bogart, who is known in high society circles as “Luscious Lucy”, says that her and her husband (Harry) are used to throwing fabulously lavish drug-centered parties every weekend.
Mrs. Bogart hit upon the idea of having what she calls a “Face Time Party” while buying some Durango Bango marijuana from her drug dealer known as "El Zorro".
Lucy sent out FTP invitations to 20 of her closest and richest friends to participate in what she calls Lucy & Harry’s Face Time Booze & Drugs Gala.
The party started right on time at 8 pm, and ran until midnight. Face Timers chatted and exchanged goings-on while drinking their favorite beverages, eating their favorite food, and ingesting their desired drugs of choice in the privacy of their own homes.
One high society lady said that she loved the idea, because she was able to “Party” while sitting in the comfort of her own home and wearing just a French black tank-top and no underwear.
The concept of Face Timing Parties is starting to catch on with extremely wealthy people (mostly on the left coast) who are stuck in their multi-million dollar mansions with pretty much every kind of drug known to man.


thespoof--2020-04-22--The Spoof Acquired By The ONION In Hostile Takeover

BILLINGSGATE POST : The Wall Street Journal announced today that The ONION , an American satirical digital media company based in Chicago , has acquired its counterpart in Great Britain by going to its shareholders to get the acquisition approved ; a hostile takeover that surprised money experts on both sides of the pond .
Mark Lowton , who founded The Spoof in 2001 , is said to have pocketed a tidy £4 million in the transaction , which came together only when Managing Editor , Monkey Woods , was included in the transaction .
He is thought to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s current editor , Chad Nackers .
For years , The ONION has been proselytizing low paid Spoof writers by offering them salaries that Mr. Lowton wouldn ’ t match .
In an interview back in 2016 by The Guardian , CEO Lowton was quoted as saying , “ Why should I pay those idiots , when they will work for nothing ?
” While most of the Spoof writers agreed to be included in the transfer , ONION CEO Mike McAvoy explicitly excluded Abel Rodriguez from joining The ONION ’ s stable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , McAvoy said that he believed in quality over quantity in writing .
Citing Dr. Billingsgate as an example , he explained that Billingsgate was a “ diamond in the rough ” .
“ For Christ ’ s sake , the sum bitch owns twelve doctorates .
He hasn ’ t come close to reaching his potential .
The coveted Bulshitzer Prize is not beyond his grasp.
” Slim : “ I wonder if Dr. B is going to take me with him.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
What ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I thought we were a team .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: The Wall Street Journal announced today that The ONION, an American satirical digital media company based in Chicago, has acquired its counterpart in Great Britain by going to its shareholders to get the acquisition approved; a hostile takeover that surprised money experts on both sides of the pond.
Mark Lowton, who founded The Spoof in 2001, is said to have pocketed a tidy £4 million in the transaction, which came together only when Managing Editor, Monkey Woods, was included in the transaction. He is thought to be the future replacement for The ONION’s current editor, Chad Nackers.
For years, The ONION has been proselytizing low paid Spoof writers by offering them salaries that Mr. Lowton wouldn’t match. In an interview back in 2016 by The Guardian, CEO Lowton was quoted as saying, “Why should I pay those idiots, when they will work for nothing?”
While most of the Spoof writers agreed to be included in the transfer, ONION CEO Mike McAvoy explicitly excluded Abel Rodriguez from joining The ONION’s stable of writers. In an oblique aside, McAvoy said that he believed in quality over quantity in writing.
Citing Dr. Billingsgate as an example, he explained that Billingsgate was a “diamond in the rough”.
“For Christ’s sake, the sum bitch owns twelve doctorates. He hasn’t come close to reaching his potential. The coveted Bulshitzer Prize is not beyond his grasp.”
Slim: “I wonder if Dr. B is going to take me with him.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. What’s this “me” shit? I thought we were a team.”


thespoof--2020-04-22--The C-19 Stay-in-Your-Home Baby Boom Will Hit in January

NEW YORK CITY – The National Institute of Births has just released statistics that show that the nation can expect @ @ @ @ @ births in January ( nine months from now ) .
NIB Executive Director , Dr. @ @ @ @ @ with the new ‘ stay-in-your-home ’ policy that has been put out by President Trump @ @ @ @ @ be an awful lot of couples engaging in the matrimonial merengue .
The doctor said @ @ @ @ @ nurseries should start preparing for the tremendous influx of pregnant women that will begin arriving @ @ @ @ @ Year ’ s Day .
He noted that many baby companies have already been put @ @ @ @ @ starting to mass produce diapers , rattles , pacifiers , and Baby Ruths .
IN @ @ @ @ @ state of Alabama has informed its citizens that they are officially prohibiting anyone from using @ @ @ @ @ names such as Corona , Covidia , and Cee Cee .

NEW YORK CITY – The National Institute of Births has just released statistics that show that the nation can expect a huge spike in baby births in January (nine months from now).
NIB Executive Director, Dr. Grover Kimkullen, said that with the new ‘stay-in-your-home’ policy that has been put out by President Trump, there is going to be an awful lot of couples engaging in the matrimonial merengue.
The doctor said that hospitals that have baby nurseries should start preparing for the tremendous influx of pregnant women that will begin arriving at their hospitals around New Year’s Day.
He noted that many baby companies have already been put on alert, and are starting to mass produce diapers, rattles, pacifiers, and Baby Ruths.
IN A RELATED STORY - The state of Alabama has informed its citizens that they are officially prohibiting anyone from using any C-19 related new-born baby names such as Corona, Covidia, and Cee Cee.


thespoof--2020-04-22--A Woman is Warned That if She Flies a Drone Over The White House Again the Drone and Her Will Both b

A Woman is Warned That if She Flies a Drone Over The White House Again the Drone and Her Will Both be Shot

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The United States Secret Service has had a nice long talk with a Miss Patsy Marie Stockard , 26 , of Adelphi , Maryland .
Miss Stockard , who is an unemployed pole dancer , was caught flying her Explorer Magellan X-13 Drone over the White House .
She was immediately detained by three Secret Service agents .
They informed her that what she was doing clearly violated White House Restricted Air Space Statute # 893-761F .
The agents let her know , in no uncertain terms , that she better never ever pull that highly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the drone scared the daylights out of the first lady , son Baron , and two of the White House cooks .
Miss Stockard made the mistake of trying to get cutesy with the agents , and she was quickly knocked to the ground and beaten with her own purse .
After fingerprinting her , they let her go , and made it abundantly clear that if she ever flies a drone anywhere near the White House again both she and the drone will be shot .
The Secret Service confiscated her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it on fire on the White House driveway .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The United States Secret Service has had a nice long talk with a Miss Patsy Marie Stockard, 26, of Adelphi, Maryland.
Miss Stockard, who is an unemployed pole dancer, was caught flying her Explorer Magellan X-13 Drone over the White House.
She was immediately detained by three Secret Service agents.
They informed her that what she was doing clearly violated White House Restricted Air Space Statute #893-761F.
The agents let her know, in no uncertain terms, that she better never ever pull that highly stupid stunt again.
They informed her that the drone scared the daylights out of the first lady, son Baron, and two of the White House cooks.
Miss Stockard made the mistake of trying to get cutesy with the agents, and she was quickly knocked to the ground and beaten with her own purse.
After fingerprinting her, they let her go, and made it abundantly clear that if she ever flies a drone anywhere near the White House again both she and the drone will be shot.
The Secret Service confiscated her drone, and destroyed it by setting it on fire on the White House driveway.


thespoof--2020-04-22--Elvis Costello Has New Hit About Obsolete Technology

Rocker Elvis Costello ’ s new song about an obsolete form of technology is climbing up the charts .
The chart topper , “ Poor Fractured MP3 Player ” , is his biggest hit since 2010 when “ CD Walkman Out of Time ” hit the Top 40 .
Since his first hit about a dated technology back in the 70s , ‘ Radio , Radio , ’ Costello has had his finger on the pulse of dying , obsolete forms of communication .
“ I really want my songs to live on forever and be heard by future generations @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of communication that have long outlived their usefulness , '' Costello said .
Bruce Springsteen agrees .
His song a few years ago , “ Radio Nowhere ” , completely dated that song to an ancient form of communication that no one had listened to for decades .
Now , when people hear that song , they think , “ Wow , people still sang about radio in the 2000s ?
” Springsteen is currently writing a song about podcasts called “ Podcastin ’ in the USA ” .
He ’ s certain @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in about two years , when everyone realizes that podcasts are stupid and boring , and they go the way of the MP3 Player , the CD and Radio .

Rocker Elvis Costello’s new song about an obsolete form of technology is climbing up the charts.
The chart topper, “Poor Fractured MP3 Player”, is his biggest hit since 2010 when “CD Walkman Out of Time” hit the Top 40. Since his first hit about a dated technology back in the 70s, ‘Radio, Radio,’ Costello has had his finger on the pulse of dying, obsolete forms of communication.
“I really want my songs to live on forever and be heard by future generations with dated references to technology or forms of communication that have long outlived their usefulness," Costello said.
Bruce Springsteen agrees. His song a few years ago, “Radio Nowhere”, completely dated that song to an ancient form of communication that no one had listened to for decades. Now, when people hear that song, they think, “Wow, people still sang about radio in the 2000s?”
Springsteen is currently writing a song about podcasts called “Podcastin’ in the USA”. He’s certain that this song will be hilariously outdated in about two years, when everyone realizes that podcasts are stupid and boring, and they go the way of the MP3 Player, the CD and Radio.


thespoof--2020-04-23--WebMD Algorithms Prove Unflappable on Company's Covid-19 Self Diagnosis Site

( Elgin , Illinois ) Since its founding in 1998 , WebMD has been a valuable medical website to educate its visitors on a myriad of health-related topics .
From learning about Morgellons Disease to understanding if your body is low on Hyaluronic Acid , WebMD has empowered hypochondriacs and bossy know-it-alls everywhere to second guess their doctors ’ various diagnoses on crazy ideas like “ allergies ” or “ ... a strained muscle ” .
Because of its massive presence , the site was also quick to serve its demographic of visitors with a recently released Covid-19 Self Diagnosis @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that has a user answer questions about whether they are experiencing various symptoms , and whether that person should seek further medical attention .
We caught up with muted medical hysteric Evelyn Brompky , a frequent WebMD visitor , as she stepped through the online questionnaire in the front parlor of her house .
“ Well , I sneezed a couple of times two days ago , and have some kind of tingling sensation down my left leg , so I am going to answer ‘ Yes ' to all of these symptom @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said determinedly to her Macbook .
Within seconds , WebMD gave her the diagnosis she was hooping for , “ SPECTACULAR !
I have stage four bone cancer !
I KNEW my doctor was a quack , and am thankful the site told me the TRUTH about what is wrong with me .
The site ’ s programmers with their ‘ algorithms ’ and ‘ artificial intelligence ’ can see right through this Coronavirus silliness , and stick with what they always knew was wrong with me before this pandemic stuff started !
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ further information , it would reveal a secondary type of cancer I KNOW I have ... those dummies at the Mayo Clinic don ’ t have a clue !
” Evelyn then walked off to call her son to tell him the news , and hold it against him for marrying that Stella girl and leaving home in the first place .
It may be hard to believe in these isolating times , but the Coronavirus pandemic will eventually pass .
WebMD is on the forefront of the medical information battle to ensure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the real reason they will perish at a tragic , young age .
Thank you for your steadfast commitment to integrity , magical medical website !

(Elgin, Illinois) Since its founding in 1998, WebMD has been a valuable medical website to educate its visitors on a myriad of health-related topics. From learning about Morgellons Disease to understanding if your body is low on Hyaluronic Acid, WebMD has empowered hypochondriacs and bossy know-it-alls everywhere to second guess their doctors’ various diagnoses on crazy ideas like “allergies” or “...a strained muscle”.
Because of its massive presence, the site was also quick to serve its demographic of visitors with a recently released Covid-19 Self Diagnosis Quiz - a simple, five-question survey that has a user answer questions about whether they are experiencing various symptoms, and whether that person should seek further medical attention. We caught up with muted medical hysteric Evelyn Brompky, a frequent WebMD visitor, as she stepped through the online questionnaire in the front parlor of her house.
“Well, I sneezed a couple of times two days ago, and have some kind of tingling sensation down my left leg, so I am going to answer ‘Yes' to all of these symptom questions and submit it,” she said determinedly to her Macbook. Within seconds, WebMD gave her the diagnosis she was hooping for, “SPECTACULAR! I have stage four bone cancer! I KNEW my doctor was a quack, and am thankful the site told me the TRUTH about what is wrong with me. The site’s programmers with their ‘algorithms’ and ‘artificial intelligence’ can see right through this Coronavirus silliness, and stick with what they always knew was wrong with me before this pandemic stuff started! I bet if I gave the survey further information, it would reveal a secondary type of cancer I KNOW I have...those dummies at the Mayo Clinic don’t have a clue!” Evelyn then walked off to call her son to tell him the news, and hold it against him for marrying that Stella girl and leaving home in the first place.
It may be hard to believe in these isolating times, but the Coronavirus pandemic will eventually pass. WebMD is on the forefront of the medical information battle to ensure the paranoid and skittish remain grounded in the real reason they will perish at a tragic, young age. Thank you for your steadfast commitment to integrity, magical medical website!


thespoof--2020-04-22--Birmingham Zoo Gets Creative to Offset Operational Costs

( Birmingham , Alabama ) As the Coronavirus continues to keep the country in a virtual lockdown state , many US businesses have had to shutter and weather the storm .
For some , it can be a simple closing of a small shop or hair salon , but for others , it is vastly more complicated .
The Birmingham Zoo in Alabama has been scrambling to cover operational expenses since the pandemic hit .
With the loss of revenue from a lack of visitors , there are dozens of animals to support .
They simply can not shut down @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the park 's managing director .
“ We were really struggling to figure out how to make ends meet for our facility .
The animals have daily care and feeding that must continue , regardless of the lack of cash flow , ” he reflected .
That was until last week , when Steven was inspired by watching a movie on Netflix one night .
“ I was catching the 80s classic Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome , when it occurred to me that our zoo had the capacity to offer the same @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Internet , ” he excitedly recalled .
And thus the Zoo ’ s new web series , Animal Gladiator Club , was born .
“ I will admit , it took a little convincing with senior management and the supporting staff to consider the idea , ” Steven explained .
“ But once I pitched that we could partner with Hard Rock Casino for the online sports-book and get a percentage of the betting pool , everybody came around .
After all , how could you NOT love the concept ?
Have you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ?
How about a chimpanzee fighting an elephant ?
We even have an upcoming bout planned where a polar bear will go mano a mano with a kangaroo !
Think about that !
These animals don ’ t live anywhere near each other in their natural habitats , and we ’ re going to stick them together in our massive tropical bird cage and see what happens .
This could be the future for all zoos even when the pandemic clears !
I mean , it ’ s not like we were seeing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ few years , thanks to sensitive busybodies who think animal captivity is cruel.
” After catching his breath , he continued , “ We could expand the market to a champion from one zoo fighting another in special pay-per-view events like Wrestlemania !
And the best part ?
Zoo operational costs get lower after every fight because there can be only one living victor to emerge from the cage.
” Steven winked , chuckled , and brought Ronald McAdams , the park ’ s catering manager into the conversation .
Ronald added , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ are considering in this .
We will begin shipping exotic animal meat products weekly , based on who doesn ’ t do so well in the fight .
Think of it like Jack Link ’ s Jaguar Jerky , or Hillshire Farms Fabulous Falcon Fritters .
Bats will be excluded from these offerings for obvious reasons , of course.
” Licking his lips in anticipation , Ronald continued , “ We are excited to see how their popularity grows ; especially with the VERY limited edition flavors from the smaller fighters like marmosets @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then again , maybe those animals will fight dirty and we ’ ll never get to get a taste.
” He laughed and went back to cleaning his industrial sausage grinder .
While the Coronavirus may have stopped many businesses in their tracks from being able to operate , some have become innovative in keeping their wheels spinning .
This kind of 'out of the box ' thinking at the Birmingham Zoo is what makes America great .
Look for the new series soon on the Internet and enjoy a delectable Birmingham savory @ @ @

(Birmingham, Alabama) As the Coronavirus continues to keep the country in a virtual lockdown state, many US businesses have had to shutter and weather the storm. For some, it can be a simple closing of a small shop or hair salon, but for others, it is vastly more complicated. The Birmingham Zoo in Alabama has been scrambling to cover operational expenses since the pandemic hit. With the loss of revenue from a lack of visitors, there are dozens of animals to support. They simply cannot shut down.
We caught up with Steven Perkins, the park's managing director. “We were really struggling to figure out how to make ends meet for our facility. The animals have daily care and feeding that must continue, regardless of the lack of cash flow,” he reflected. That was until last week, when Steven was inspired by watching a movie on Netflix one night. “I was catching the 80s classic Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, when it occurred to me that our zoo had the capacity to offer the same type of entertainment live streamed over the Internet,” he excitedly recalled.
And thus the Zoo’s new web series, Animal Gladiator Club, was born.
“I will admit, it took a little convincing with senior management and the supporting staff to consider the idea,” Steven explained. “But once I pitched that we could partner with Hard Rock Casino for the online sports-book and get a percentage of the betting pool, everybody came around. After all, how could you NOT love the concept? Have you ever seen a lion fight a tiger? How about a chimpanzee fighting an elephant? We even have an upcoming bout planned where a polar bear will go mano a mano with a kangaroo! Think about that! These animals don’t live anywhere near each other in their natural habitats, and we’re going to stick them together in our massive tropical bird cage and see what happens. This could be the future for all zoos even when the pandemic clears! I mean, it’s not like we were seeing a lot of visitors over the last few years, thanks to sensitive busybodies who think animal captivity is cruel.”
After catching his breath, he continued, “We could expand the market to a champion from one zoo fighting another in special pay-per-view events like Wrestlemania! And the best part? Zoo operational costs get lower after every fight because there can be only one living victor to emerge from the cage.”
Steven winked, chuckled, and brought Ronald McAdams, the park’s catering manager into the conversation. Ronald added, “There is another revenue stream we are considering in this. We will begin shipping exotic animal meat products weekly, based on who doesn’t do so well in the fight. Think of it like Jack Link’s Jaguar Jerky, or Hillshire Farms Fabulous Falcon Fritters. Bats will be excluded from these offerings for obvious reasons, of course.”
Licking his lips in anticipation, Ronald continued, “We are excited to see how their popularity grows; especially with the VERY limited edition flavors from the smaller fighters like marmosets, sloths, and koalas. But then again, maybe those animals will fight dirty and we’ll never get to get a taste.” He laughed and went back to cleaning his industrial sausage grinder.
While the Coronavirus may have stopped many businesses in their tracks from being able to operate, some have become innovative in keeping their wheels spinning. This kind of 'out of the box' thinking at the Birmingham Zoo is what makes America great. Look for the new series soon on the Internet and enjoy a delectable Birmingham savory sloth sausage!


thespoof--2020-04-23--Apple Announces iPhone 12 Will Use Genitalia Recognition

( Cupertino , California ) Acknowledging a new world order due to the pandemic where society will never return to normal , Apple announced that the next generation iPhone – the iPhone 12 – will feature genitalia recognition to unlock the screen , rather than the facial recognition used up until now .
We interviewed the team at Apple responsible for this evolution at their new ring-shaped headquarters in Cupertino California .
Sabih Khan , Apple Senior Vice President of Operations , explained the need for the change .
“ COVID-19 will be around for a long time .
As @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the wearing of face masks will be mandatory .
This makes the facial recognition system for unlocking our phones unusable .
With the release of the new iPhone scheduled for late this fall , we simply could not risk putting out a product that would lead to frustration and failure in this brave new world .
Facial recognition is out , at least for the year the 12 will be used , before being replaced by the 13 .
Thus , we had to come up with another system , and genitals @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” John Giannandrea , Apple ’ s Vice President of Machine Learning , discussed the process and challenges of teaching the phone to recognize the naughty bits .
“ First , we had to research to make sure that no two genitalia were alike .
This was relatively easy , since most of the major adult sites such as PornHub had free memberships due to in-home isolation requirements .
The public ’ s need to rub one out really cut our development time in half !
” He paused , then nervously continued @ @ @ @ @ @ @ uncomfortable when we considered the excessive use of smartphones by teens , but we were able to get through that , and even we were surprised at the amount of material out there on sites like ‘ YOLO Selfie ’ .
” Mr. Giannandrea continued , “ Then we had to consider the various angles that the camera would capture , different lighting , and even reflections from bright objects due to people having a Prince Albert or Albertina .
Luckily for us , the issue of pubic hair was not really a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for things like haircuts , and over half of the tens of thousands of images we used to train the software had no pubes at all .
Thank you , Brazil !
” Another John , Johnny Srouji ( SVP of ‘ Hard ’ ware Technologies ) added , “ When it came to men , we did have to make some hard choices .
It was difficult at first to sort out what stage of , shall I use the term ‘ anticipation ’ , we would allow the phone to recognize @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Excitedly , he continued , “ The most obvious and most-used recognition state was what we dubbed the ‘ I ’ ve been married to the old bag for over twenty years ’ , or shortened to simply ‘ my wife ’ .
The next stage that we taught the software was the ‘ peaking down the blouse of your boss ’ s teenage daughter at the company picnic ’ , which we shortened to ‘ George looks at cleavage ’ , and is actually more common than one might think .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the ‘ Miley Cyrus just turned 18 ’ but decided that the need for that in public settings was just so infrequent.
” Lastly joining the conversation was Apple ’ s VP of Marketing , Tor Myhren , who talked about the rollout strategy .
“ Given how genitalia recognition is a new process , we needed a spokesperson who could accurately demonstrate how to unlock the phone with the software .
We brought in former US Congressman Anthony Weiner to help produce the self-help videos , as he was once not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ phone at the frank and beans but has some background in the teen aspect as well .
Others in the company thought we were nuts to approach him after all these years , but we had the stones to make the call .
Anthony was thrilled and vowed to grab the role and bust it wide open.
” Look for the new iPhone and unzip its revolutionary software recognition later this year .
While you await its arrival , you can practice the recognition technique with your friends and family , and of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sites on the Internet that crave such content .
Just be discreet and careful , no one wants a visit from Chris Hansen .

(Cupertino, California) Acknowledging a new world order due to the pandemic where society will never return to normal, Apple announced that the next generation iPhone – the iPhone 12 – will feature genitalia recognition to unlock the screen, rather than the facial recognition used up until now. We interviewed the team at Apple responsible for this evolution at their new ring-shaped headquarters in Cupertino California.
Sabih Khan, Apple Senior Vice President of Operations, explained the need for the change. “COVID-19 will be around for a long time. As the world tries to return to normal, the wearing of face masks will be mandatory. This makes the facial recognition system for unlocking our phones unusable. With the release of the new iPhone scheduled for late this fall, we simply could not risk putting out a product that would lead to frustration and failure in this brave new world. Facial recognition is out, at least for the year the 12 will be used, before being replaced by the 13. Thus, we had to come up with another system, and genitals spoke to us and provided the answer.”
John Giannandrea, Apple’s Vice President of Machine Learning, discussed the process and challenges of teaching the phone to recognize the naughty bits. “First, we had to research to make sure that no two genitalia were alike. This was relatively easy, since most of the major adult sites such as PornHub had free memberships due to in-home isolation requirements. The public’s need to rub one out really cut our development time in half!” He paused, then nervously continued, “It did get a bit uncomfortable when we considered the excessive use of smartphones by teens, but we were able to get through that, and even we were surprised at the amount of material out there on sites like ‘YOLO Selfie’.”
Mr. Giannandrea continued, “Then we had to consider the various angles that the camera would capture, different lighting, and even reflections from bright objects due to people having a Prince Albert or Albertina. Luckily for us, the issue of pubic hair was not really a problem. Our recognition software already accounted for things like haircuts, and over half of the tens of thousands of images we used to train the software had no pubes at all. Thank you, Brazil!”
Another John, Johnny Srouji (SVP of ‘Hard’ware Technologies) added, “When it came to men, we did have to make some hard choices. It was difficult at first to sort out what stage of, shall I use the term ‘anticipation’, we would allow the phone to recognize, but we rose to the challenge.” Excitedly, he continued, “The most obvious and most-used recognition state was what we dubbed the ‘I’ve been married to the old bag for over twenty years’, or shortened to simply ‘my wife’. The next stage that we taught the software was the ‘peaking down the blouse of your boss’s teenage daughter at the company picnic’, which we shortened to ‘George looks at cleavage’, and is actually more common than one might think. We tried working with the final stage, the ‘Miley Cyrus just turned 18’ but decided that the need for that in public settings was just so infrequent.”
Lastly joining the conversation was Apple’s VP of Marketing, Tor Myhren, who talked about the rollout strategy. “Given how genitalia recognition is a new process, we needed a spokesperson who could accurately demonstrate how to unlock the phone with the software. We brought in former US Congressman Anthony Weiner to help produce the self-help videos, as he was once not only an expert at accurately pointing a phone at the frank and beans but has some background in the teen aspect as well. Others in the company thought we were nuts to approach him after all these years, but we had the stones to make the call. Anthony was thrilled and vowed to grab the role and bust it wide open.”
Look for the new iPhone and unzip its revolutionary software recognition later this year. While you await its arrival, you can practice the recognition technique with your friends and family, and of course post your successes to the numerous sites on the Internet that crave such content. Just be discreet and careful, no one wants a visit from Chris Hansen.


thespoof--2020-04-23--Members of the Never Trump Organization Say That None of Them Have Received Their $1,200 Economic Im

Members of the Never Trump Organization Say That None of Them Have Received Their $1,200 Economic Impact Checks

WASHINGTON , D.C. – President Trump has said that the $ 1,200 Economic Impact Checks have all been mailed out @ @ @ @ @ anti-Trump group calling itself the Never-Trump Organization told the media that none of their more @ @ @ @ @ their $ 1,200 Economic Impact Checks .
One NTO member , Neville Vivaldi , said @ @ @ @ @ the rent , his utility bills , and $ 950 to his sports bookie .
@ @ @ @ @ that his check is being held back by President Trump on purpose .
When the @ @ @ @ @ Never Trump Organization ’ s claim , he simply replied , “ Well , if @ @ @ @ @ then I suggest that they get Mexico to send them a check just like they @ @ @ @ @ checks for my big , beautiful perfect wall.
” SIDENOTE : The IRS is looking @ @ @ @ @ and her husband , Jared Kushner , each received one of the $ 1,200 Economic @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Trump has said that the $1,200 Economic Impact Checks have all been mailed out.
A spokesman for the anti-Trump group calling itself the Never-Trump Organization told the media that none of their more than 65,000 members have received their $1,200 Economic Impact Checks.
One NTO member, Neville Vivaldi, said that he has to pay the rent, his utility bills, and $950 to his sports bookie.
He swears up and down that his check is being held back by President Trump on purpose.
When the president was told about the Never Trump Organization’s claim, he simply replied, “Well, if they are so unhappy, then I suggest that they get Mexico to send them a check just like they have already sent me three checks for my big, beautiful perfect wall.”
SIDENOTE: The IRS is looking into the rumor that Ivanka and her husband, Jared Kushner, each received one of the $1,200 Economic Impact Checks.


thespoof--2020-04-23--Trump Assures Americans that They’ll Be Able to Return to Their Crappy Low-Paying Jobs without Healt

Trump Assures Americans that They’ll Be Able to Return to Their Crappy Low-Paying Jobs without Health Insurance Soon

With the end of the national COVID-19 lockdown in sight , United States President Donald Trump reassured Americans currently unemployed as a result of coronavirus-related business shutdowns that they will be able to return to their crappy , low-paying jobs without health insurance very soon .
“ I know how eager people are to get back to feeling productive , '' said Trump , pledging to do everything he could to encourage governors to swiftly reopen state economies , so that people could return to working around the clock to barely make ends meet .
“ No one likes taking @ @ @ @ @ @ @ added , “ Working people are the heart behind all those faceless corporations .
The corporations may not appreciate them , but I do .
And I 'm going to get them back to doing the jobs no one else wants to do as soon as possible . ''
Given that less than half of the country ’ s total population receive employer-sponsored health insurance , Trump noted that for the majority of Americans , being unemployed hasn ’ t affected their access to health insurance in the slightest .
“ If anything @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pandemic has proven that people don ’ t need health insurance .
After all , we managed to survive coronavirus without it !
Most of us , at least.
” For that reason , said Trump , he will continue to fight against Medicare for All and other forms of socialized medicine , explaining that he will , instead , be focusing on protecting jobs by bailing out large corporations .
`` That 's a much smarter use of our public funds , '' he said .
`` And the only way to @ @ @ @ @

With the end of the national COVID-19 lockdown in sight, United States President Donald Trump reassured Americans currently unemployed as a result of coronavirus-related business shutdowns that they will be able to return to their crappy, low-paying jobs without health insurance very soon.
“I know how eager people are to get back to feeling productive," said Trump, pledging to do everything he could to encourage governors to swiftly reopen state economies, so that people could return to working around the clock to barely make ends meet. “No one likes taking a government handout."
The president added, “Working people are the heart behind all those faceless corporations. The corporations may not appreciate them, but I do. And I'm going to get them back to doing the jobs no one else wants to do as soon as possible."
Given that less than half of the country’s total population receive employer-sponsored health insurance, Trump noted that for the majority of Americans, being unemployed hasn’t affected their access to health insurance in the slightest. “If anything,” he said, “this pandemic has proven that people don’t need health insurance. After all, we managed to survive coronavirus without it! Most of us, at least.”
For that reason, said Trump, he will continue to fight against Medicare for All and other forms of socialized medicine, explaining that he will, instead, be focusing on protecting jobs by bailing out large corporations. "That's a much smarter use of our public funds," he said. "And the only way to help real Americans.”


thespoof--2020-04-23--Mike Pompeo launches fresh attack on the Who over coronavirus

Confused Secretary of State , Mike Pompeo , has leveled more charges at British rock band , The Who , saying it needs to be held 'accountable ' for failures tracking the coronavirus .
Pompeo 's attack , delivered on conservative Fox News host , Laura Ingraham 's show , follows President Donald Trump 's own blasts at the English Mod band , and the president 's announcement he would withhold all U.S. funds for the group pending a review .
Pompeo even said the U.S. may never return to funding the group , for which it has been the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the case that the United States can never return to having U.S. taxpayer dollars go to The Who .
We may need to behave even bolder than that , '' Pompeo told Ingraham .
Lead singer , and spokesman for the band , Roger Daltrey , responded to Pompeo 's criticism .
`` He is deluded .
The man is a fool .
Me and the boys have done everything in our power to help fight this terrible plague .
Pete Townshend has spent day and night working on a vaccine , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to gather accurate information out of China .
It really is n't fair to blame The Who for anything . ''
Pompeo 's comments come after Trump announced the halt in funding earlier this month , saying : `` With the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic , we have deep concerns whether America 's generosity has been put to the best use possible . ''
Pompeo blasted The Who for failing to get accurate information out of China about the rapid spread of the virus .
`` That is unfair .
It is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us , but the whole of my generation .
There is no substitute for the work put in by all of us .
I just feel like saying to Pompeo , who are you ?
Eh , Who are YOU ? ''

Confused Secretary of State, Mike Pompeo, has leveled more charges at British rock band, The Who, saying it needs to be held 'accountable' for failures tracking the coronavirus.
Pompeo's attack, delivered on conservative Fox News host, Laura Ingraham's show, follows President Donald Trump's own blasts at the English Mod band, and the president's announcement he would withhold all U.S. funds for the group pending a review.
Pompeo even said the U.S. may never return to funding the group, for which it has been the greatest contributor.
"It may be the case that the United States can never return to having U.S. taxpayer dollars go to The Who. We may need to behave even bolder than that," Pompeo told Ingraham.
Lead singer, and spokesman for the band, Roger Daltrey, responded to Pompeo's criticism. "He is deluded. The man is a fool. Me and the boys have done everything in our power to help fight this terrible plague. Pete Townshend has spent day and night working on a vaccine, and John Entwistle has been doing his best to gather accurate information out of China. It really isn't fair to blame The Who for anything."
Pompeo's comments come after Trump announced the halt in funding earlier this month, saying: "With the outbreak of the COVID-19 pandemic, we have deep concerns whether America's generosity has been put to the best use possible."
Pompeo blasted The Who for failing to get accurate information out of China about the rapid spread of the virus.
"That is unfair. It is not only a slur on all of us, but the whole of my generation. There is no substitute for the work put in by all of us. I just feel like saying to Pompeo, who are you? Eh, Who are YOU?"


thespoof--2020-04-23--Woman High On Ice Cream Rides Horse Into Speeding Train

BILLINGSGATE POST : In the official publication of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons , Dr. Wolfgang Dorkhammer describes a @ @ @ @ @ Francisco woman , apparently high on Haagen-Daz Ice Cream Bars , who rode her horse @ @ @ @ @ estimated to be traveling at 80 miles per hour .
Dr. Dorkhammer , a Board @ @ @ @ @ for his reconstructive work , describes how he made the woman whole again : “ @ @ @ @ @ hospital , all I had to work with was her hair and what appeared to @ @ @ @ @ horse .
I was able to put them together , and now she ’ s @ @ @ @ @ Slim : “ What a remarkable story .
No wonder she looks so eloquent.
” @ @ @ @ @ Dude .
Looks like a horse ’ s ass to me .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: In the official publication of the American Society of Plastic Surgeons, Dr. Wolfgang Dorkhammer describes a case study of a San Francisco woman, apparently high on Haagen-Daz Ice Cream Bars, who rode her horse head-on into a freight train estimated to be traveling at 80 miles per hour.
Dr. Dorkhammer, a Board Certified Plastic Surgeon, renowned for his reconstructive work, describes how he made the woman whole again:
“When she arrived at the hospital, all I had to work with was her hair and what appeared to be the hindquarters of a horse. I was able to put them together, and now she’s Speaker of the House.”
Slim: “What a remarkable story. No wonder she looks so eloquent.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Looks like a horse’s ass to me.”


thespoof--2020-04-23--Teenager still plucking up the courage

Teenager still plucking up the courage

Teenage chess prodigy Thomas Johnson is still plucking up the courage to ask out Sarah Fitzmaurice .
He has been @ @ @ @ @ for months now , but in lockdown , she is all he is thinking about @ @ @ @ @ my parents , ' said Tom , 'but they are watching The Karate Kid III @ @ @ @ @ so I do n't really think I should disturb them , or I could text @ @ @ @ @ , or send her an email .
I would go round to hers , if @ @ @ @ @ , and speak to her Mum and Dad for a while about the weather .
@ @ @ @ @ her a song .
I will write her a song .
Pass me my guitar @ @ @ @ @ will you ? '

Teenage chess prodigy Thomas Johnson is still plucking up the courage to ask out Sarah Fitzmaurice.
He has been wanting to ask Sarah out for months now, but in lockdown, she is all he is thinking about.
'I could ask my parents,' said Tom, 'but they are watching The Karate Kid III for the seventeenth time, so I don't really think I should disturb them, or I could text Sarah to ask her out, or send her an email. I would go round to hers, if we weren't in lockdown, and speak to her Mum and Dad for a while about the weather. Or, I could write her a song. I will write her a song. Pass me my guitar and the rhyming dictionary, will you?'


thespoof--2020-04-24--Some Americans Torn between Left’s Message that Quarantining Healthy People Indefinitely Will Help E

Some Americans Torn between Left’s Message that Quarantining Healthy People Indefinitely Will Help Everyone and Right’s Message that We Need to Return to Burning Fossil Fuels ASAP

Want to do the right thing with regard to COVID-19 , but uncertain what that right thing is ?
If so , you 're not alone .
Weeks into the coronavirus lockdown , many Americans have found themselves torn between the message they are hearing from the left , that quarantining healthy people indefinitely is the most effective way to help everyone in the long term , and the message they ’ re hearing from the right , that the COVID-19 lockdown is irreparably damaging the economy and we need to get back to burning fossil fuels as soon as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in both , which is what makes it so difficult , ” said 32-year-old Maura Jones of Boston , Massachusetts .
“ As a healthy person , I can ’ t take a risk of exposing myself to a virus that is very unlikely to kill me and may not even cause any symptoms but is still extremely dangerous , and in some ways may even be worse than the flu .
So sheltering in place definitely makes sense , just until the virus dies out , which I think can happen at @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the experts will keep us posted on that.
” She continued , “ But at the same time , it is true that fossil fuel prices have dropped dangerously low.
” She shook her head , clearly flummoxed .
“ I know that situations like this require thinking outside the box , but I ’ m personally at a loss.
” Faced with the same conundrum , Matt Holmes of Nashville , Tennessee , who ’ s adhering strictly to the statewide shelter in place order , feels that he has come up @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been leaving his pickup truck running in his driveway .
“ That way I ’ ll still use up plenty of gas and help the economy , ” he explained .
“ But since I ’ m not actually going anywhere , I ’ m also helping batten down the curve.
” As ordinary Americans like Jones and Holmes wrestle with the economic and ethical quandaries posed by the global pandemic and governmental response , 50-year-old Rex Parker of St. Louis , Missouri , says that he takes some comfort in the general @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have no idea what the ultimate outcome will be , '' he said , `` but I am quite confident that it will be the product of fear , misinformation , and blind faith in highly questionable institutions .
If nothing else , we can all count on that . ''

Want to do the right thing with regard to COVID-19, but uncertain what that right thing is? If so, you're not alone. Weeks into the coronavirus lockdown, many Americans have found themselves torn between the message they are hearing from the left, that quarantining healthy people indefinitely is the most effective way to help everyone in the long term, and the message they’re hearing from the right, that the COVID-19 lockdown is irreparably damaging the economy and we need to get back to burning fossil fuels as soon as possible.
“There’s truth in both, which is what makes it so difficult,” said 32-year-old Maura Jones of Boston, Massachusetts. “As a healthy person, I can’t take a risk of exposing myself to a virus that is very unlikely to kill me and may not even cause any symptoms but is still extremely dangerous, and in some ways may even be worse than the flu. So sheltering in place definitely makes sense, just until the virus dies out, which I think can happen at any point. I’m sure the experts will keep us posted on that.”
She continued, “But at the same time, it is true that fossil fuel prices have dropped dangerously low.” She shook her head, clearly flummoxed. “I know that situations like this require thinking outside the box, but I’m personally at a loss.”
Faced with the same conundrum, Matt Holmes of Nashville, Tennessee, who’s adhering strictly to the statewide shelter in place order, feels that he has come up with a workable solution: he has been leaving his pickup truck running in his driveway. “That way I’ll still use up plenty of gas and help the economy,” he explained. “But since I’m not actually going anywhere, I’m also helping batten down the curve.”
As ordinary Americans like Jones and Holmes wrestle with the economic and ethical quandaries posed by the global pandemic and governmental response, 50-year-old Rex Parker of St. Louis, Missouri, says that he takes some comfort in the general consistency of American decision-making. “I have no idea what the ultimate outcome will be," he said, "but I am quite confident that it will be the product of fear, misinformation, and blind faith in highly questionable institutions. If nothing else, we can all count on that."


thespoof--2020-04-24--Trump admits gargling with Formaldehyde

Trump admits gargling with Formaldehyde

President Trump admitted , today , he often gargles with Formaldehyde in order to preserve his brain .
He said @ @ @ @ @ from North Korea had given him the tip , during a conference call to Kim @ @ @ @ @ yeah , it 's really helped me make some crucial decisions during my time as @ @ @ @ @ Of Armenia .
Who was it ?
Oh , it 's me , got to @ @ @ @ @ push that button , Martha !
Where 's my hair going ?
Wow !
that @ @ @ @ @ 's she from ?
Look , two fingers , one finger , two fingers , @ @ @ @ @ with Formaldehyde is proof positive , it has preserved the functioning of my brain .
@ @ @ @ @ still got two million cheques to sign ... '' Scientists have stated , Formaldehyde is @ @ @ @ @ brain .

President Trump admitted, today, he often gargles with Formaldehyde in order to preserve his brain. He said that a leading brain surgeon from North Korea had given him the tip, during a conference call to Kim Jung Un.
"Oh yeah, it's really helped me make some crucial decisions during my time as President of the United Strates Of Armenia. Who was it? Oh, it's me, got to get it, don't push that button, Martha! Where's my hair going? Wow! that maid is Mexican, where's she from? Look, two fingers, one finger, two fingers, no finger. So gargling with Formaldehyde is proof positive, it has preserved the functioning of my brain. Got to go folks, still got two million cheques to sign..."
Scientists have stated, Formaldehyde is not effective in preserving the brain.


thespoof--2020-04-24--Tucker Carlson is Furious with Judge Jeanine Pirro for Giving Him His New Nickname

NEW YORK CITY - Fox News reporter Tucker Carlson interviewed Judge Jeanine Pirro regarding the recent rumors that she had @ @ @ @ @ air .
The judge became quite upset , and told him that it was not @ @ @ @ @ nor tequila , but that it was a matter of her having taken too many @ @ @ @ @ that the vitamins were her granddaughter 's and that she had inadvertently taken about 6 @ @ @ @ @ they were candy .
After explaining herself , the judge asked “ So , tell @ @ @ @ @ mean Tucker , do you have any intelligent questions to ask me ?
” Carlson @ @ @ @ @ pink as a flamingo , replied , with semi-pouting lips , that he just simply @ @ @ @ @ of beer she drinks .
The judge responded with a three-word expletive that can ’ @ @ @ @ @ but it rhymes with “ Buck you Tucker .
”

NEW YORK CITY - Fox News reporter Tucker Carlson interviewed Judge Jeanine Pirro regarding the recent rumors that she had been drinking while on the air.
The judge became quite upset, and told him that it was not beer, nor whiskey, nor tequila, but that it was a matter of her having taken too many Flintstones Vitamins.
She said that the vitamins were her granddaughter's and that she had inadvertently taken about 6 or 9, thinking that they were candy.
After explaining herself, the judge asked “So, tell me, Gretchen, I mean Tucker, do you have any intelligent questions to ask me?”
Carlson, whose face turned as pink as a flamingo, replied, with semi-pouting lips, that he just simply wanted to know what brand of beer she drinks.
The judge responded with a three-word expletive that can’t be repeated here; but it rhymes with “Buck you Tucker.”


thespoof--2020-04-24--The Bronx Zoo Is Sending 5 Tigers and 3 Lions, that Have C-19, Back To Africa

THE BRONX , New York – The assistant director of the Bronx Zoo has just issued a news bulletin that eight of their big cats have tested positive for the Coronavirus .
Spencer Piano told the reporters , who had assembled in the zoo parking lot , that the cats most probably caught the virus from eating horse meat that the zoo purchased from China .
Piano said that he now realizes that they should have bought the horse meat from an American company , but the Chinese meat company gave them a fantastic deal .
He went on to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ lions will be shipped back to the circus in Zimbabwe from which they were originally purchased .
In the meantime , zoo workers are making sure that the cats stay at least six feet from each other .
Zookeepers were a bit concerned about Sadie the hippo possibly having come in contact with one of the tigers .
Head zookeeper Max Faxweiser said he was surprised as hell to see Sadie standing on her head .
The zoo doctor was said not to be concerned , because Sadie was just going through her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the hippopause .

THE BRONX, New York – The assistant director of the Bronx Zoo has just issued a news bulletin that eight of their big cats have tested positive for the Coronavirus.
Spencer Piano told the reporters, who had assembled in the zoo parking lot, that the cats most probably caught the virus from eating horse meat that the zoo purchased from China.
Piano said that he now realizes that they should have bought the horse meat from an American company, but the Chinese meat company gave them a fantastic deal.
He went on to say that the 5 tigers and 3 lions will be shipped back to the circus in Zimbabwe from which they were originally purchased.
In the meantime, zoo workers are making sure that the cats stay at least six feet from each other.
Zookeepers were a bit concerned about Sadie the hippo possibly having come in contact with one of the tigers.
Head zookeeper Max Faxweiser said he was surprised as hell to see Sadie standing on her head.
The zoo doctor was said not to be concerned, because Sadie was just going through her change of life which is known as the hippopause.


thespoof--2020-04-24--President Trump Tells Harvard University It Better Return The $9 Milllion Emergency Relief Check Wit

President Trump Tells Harvard University It Better Return The $9 Milllion Emergency Relief Check Within 48 Hours

WASHINGTON , D.C. – White House insiders say that the president is fit to be tied over the fact that Harvard University received a huge government check .
When he first learned about the money given to one of the wealthiest universities in the world , an unnamed staffer said that POTUS fired off a barrage of invectives that would make sailors blush .
He said that Harvard needs a government handout about as much as Dolly Parton needs breast implants .
Trump got on the phone and called up the university ’ s Vice Assistant Dean , Sharona de @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wants the school to return the $ 9 million immediately .
Mrs. De Gaulle said that the money could not be returned under the schools “ No backs ” collegiate clause .
At that point , Trump threw down the phone and instructed his assistant , Kellyanne Conway , to write up a letter to the college president telling him that he better return the full $ 9 million within 48 hours .
He then told her to add that , if the entire amount is not returned , he will send in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ down the school , plus they ’ ll be hit with a $ 9.1 million fine .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – White House insiders say that the president is fit to be tied over the fact that Harvard University received a huge government check.
When he first learned about the money given to one of the wealthiest universities in the world, an unnamed staffer said that POTUS fired off a barrage of invectives that would make sailors blush.
He said that Harvard needs a government handout about as much as Dolly Parton needs breast implants.
Trump got on the phone and called up the university’s Vice Assistant Dean, Sharona de Gaulle. He told her that he wants the school to return the $9 million immediately.
Mrs. De Gaulle said that the money could not be returned under the schools “No backs” collegiate clause.
At that point, Trump threw down the phone and instructed his assistant, Kellyanne Conway, to write up a letter to the college president telling him that he better return the full $9 million within 48 hours.
He then told her to add that, if the entire amount is not returned, he will send in the National Guard and they will shut down the school, plus they’ll be hit with a $9.1 million fine.