thespoof--2020-11-11--Trump claims title at 2020 US Masters Tournament, as Barr arrests all 92 contestants for stealing PO

Trump claims title at 2020 US Masters Tournament, as Barr arrests all 92 contestants for stealing POTUS balls.

The 2020 US Masters is over even before Tiger ( as the 2019 champion ) could even launch his opening drive to inaugurate the tournament .
And yet we have a winner !
Taking time off from threatening the Supreme Court to Stop Counting the illegal votes of 240,000 Americans who have perished to COVID-19 , Trump headed to Georgia on the morning of the 12th of November .
White House Secretary Kayleigh McEnemy-of-the-Press confirmed that Trump was in Georgia to personally count all votes in his favour and discard those marked ‘ Biden ’ as illegal .
She said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ was Executive Privilege and had the full backing of Mitchell McConnell and 90 % of the GOP , because they feared their days were ‘ numbered ’ , and smiled unwittingly at the unconscious pun .
In breaking news , 43 seconds later , Ms McEnemy confirmed a White House communique that Trump had trounced Biden by over 2 million votes in Georgia .
The GOP was ecstatic as Trump , flushed with gaining 16 electoral college votes , celebrated with a round of golf at the nearby Augusta National Golf Club @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
However , his performance was decidedly off-putting with several ‘ Flyer-Lies ’ and multiple sod upheavals of the Deep State .
In short , it did not match the newly-acquired Master ’ s Performance of winning Georgia .
Yips !
Fox News covered the aftermath as events unfolded .
The media at the Golf Club were privy to a seething President calling up Barr None and demanding a quick-fire resolution to the Masters Tournament .
Ever the faithful ear to presidential orders , Barr None despatched a squad of DOJ investigators armed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ golf balls .
For an hour they roamed the pristine golf course in their golf-cart Humvees and arrested all the golfing players , caddies , and tournament staff for complicity in “ stealing ” TaylorMade-for-Trump balls .
Having cleared the deck of any opposition , Trump anointed himself Champion of the 2020 Masters Open , and forcibly collected a cheque for 2 million dollars from the beleaguered Chairman .
However , he returned the cheque to the Club as a down payment for the ultimate purchase of the Augusta Club .
In his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ of media reporters , TV crews , players , club staff , and Barr None DOJ personnel , Trump thanked them for their willing co-operation , and stressed his obsession with collecting Golfing Clubs .
Trump also returned the winner ’ s Green Jacket for substantial altering , as it popped a few buttons around his midriff .

The 2020 US Masters is over even before Tiger (as the 2019 champion) could even launch his opening drive to inaugurate the tournament. And yet we have a winner!
Taking time off from threatening the Supreme Court to Stop Counting the illegal votes of 240,000 Americans who have perished to COVID-19, Trump headed to Georgia on the morning of the 12th of November.
White House Secretary Kayleigh McEnemy-of-the-Press confirmed that Trump was in Georgia to personally count all votes in his favour and discard those marked ‘Biden’ as illegal. She said that this ‘mathematical democratic alternative-fact option’ was Executive Privilege and had the full backing of Mitchell McConnell and 90% of the GOP, because they feared their days were ‘numbered’, and smiled unwittingly at the unconscious pun.
In breaking news, 43 seconds later, Ms McEnemy confirmed a White House communique that Trump had trounced Biden by over 2 million votes in Georgia. The GOP was ecstatic as Trump, flushed with gaining 16 electoral college votes, celebrated with a round of golf at the nearby Augusta National Golf Club, hosting the 2020 US Masters Tournament. However, his performance was decidedly off-putting with several ‘Flyer-Lies’ and multiple sod upheavals of the Deep State. In short, it did not match the newly-acquired Master’s Performance of winning Georgia. Yips!
Fox News covered the aftermath as events unfolded. The media at the Golf Club were privy to a seething President calling up Barr None and demanding a quick-fire resolution to the Masters Tournament.
Ever the faithful ear to presidential orders, Barr None despatched a squad of DOJ investigators armed with semi-automatic golf clubs and stun grenade golf balls. For an hour they roamed the pristine golf course in their golf-cart Humvees and arrested all the golfing players, caddies, and tournament staff for complicity in “stealing” TaylorMade-for-Trump balls.
Having cleared the deck of any opposition, Trump anointed himself Champion of the 2020 Masters Open, and forcibly collected a cheque for 2 million dollars from the beleaguered Chairman.
However, he returned the cheque to the Club as a down payment for the ultimate purchase of the Augusta Club. In his victory speech to his ‘captive audience’ of media reporters, TV crews, players, club staff, and Barr None DOJ personnel, Trump thanked them for their willing co-operation, and stressed his obsession with collecting Golfing Clubs.
Trump also returned the winner’s Green Jacket for substantial altering, as it popped a few buttons around his midriff.


thespoof--2020-11-11--William Barr is Too Busy Being Trump’s Personal Lawyer To Bother With Being The Nation’s Attorney Ge

William Barr is Too Busy Being Trump’s Personal Lawyer To Bother With Being The Nation’s Attorney General

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) – Boom Boom News reports that the United States Attorney General needs to be reminded that he works for the people of the United States .
He is not the personal , suck-ass attorney of the jerk who legally lost the election by the biggest voter margin in history .
As millions , including Republicans , have said , Donaldo and Billo are running the USA , as if it was a mafia crime family .
The two bloated boys seem to think that they can do whatever the hell they want @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
As the master of the macabre , Vincent Price once said , “ It ’ s gon na come back to haunt you and pretty soon , bitches.
” Law experts from Harvard , Yale , and even George Armstrong Custer University , have said that Trump will soon be making license plates in New York ’ s infamous Sing Sing Prison .
And the tub of lard , Barr , will most certainly be dis-BARR-ed , and have to go back to his old job , emptying septic tanks in Staten @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The Pensacola Global-Globe is reporting that Melania Trump will end up divorcing her evil husband , and write a tell-all book tentatively titled , “ Donaldo Trump Makes Atilla the Hun Look Like Little Ricky Ricardo .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – Boom Boom News reports that the United States Attorney General needs to be reminded that he works for the people of the United States.
He is not the personal, suck-ass attorney of the jerk who legally lost the election by the biggest voter margin in history.
As millions, including Republicans, have said, Donaldo and Billo are running the USA, as if it was a mafia crime family.
The two bloated boys seem to think that they can do whatever the hell they want, and the American people be damned.
As the master of the macabre, Vincent Price once said, “It’s gonna come back to haunt you and pretty soon, bitches.”
Law experts from Harvard, Yale, and even George Armstrong Custer University, have said that Trump will soon be making license plates in New York’s infamous Sing Sing Prison.
And the tub of lard, Barr, will most certainly be dis-BARR-ed, and have to go back to his old job, emptying septic tanks in Staten Island, New York.
Meanwhile, The Pensacola Global-Globe is reporting that Melania Trump will end up divorcing her evil husband, and write a tell-all book tentatively titled, “Donaldo Trump Makes Atilla the Hun Look Like Little Ricky Ricardo.”


thespoof--2020-11-11--An Emotional Support Parrot Disrupts a Flight From New York City to Los Angeles

LOS ANGELES – ( Satire News ) – The news media is reporting that an emotional support parrot totally disrupted a Jet Blue flight from New York City to Los Angeles .
The Peruvian parrot , named Guinevere , but who has been dubbed `` Polly the Insult Parrot , '' caused havoc on the flight .
About 15 minutes into the flight , the parrot owned by Elvira Sue Danube , 56 , began to insult the female flight attendant .
Guinevere yelled out as the attendant went down the aisle with her drink cart , “ Hey bitch @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ ve seen prettier moss on Lake Michigan.
” The sarcastic parrot then turned to one of the female passengers and asked her why the hell she only shaved one leg .
When a heavyset male passenger walked by Guinevere , she yelled out that he looked like a giant Idaho potato with eyebrows .
The man told her to shut the eff up .
She then started hollering out that she had been molested by a great big , fat , tall man with a little prick .
The man grabbed Guinevere @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
But luckily the air marshal intervened , knocking the out-of-control passenger to the floor , and taking him into custody .
Elvira Sue remarked that Guinevere only suffered a few ruffled feathers .
And , although she was quite traumatized , she finally calmed down after she was given seven crackers that had been soaked in Johnny Walker Red .

LOS ANGELES – (Satire News) – The news media is reporting that an emotional support parrot totally disrupted a Jet Blue flight from New York City to Los Angeles.
The Peruvian parrot, named Guinevere, but who has been dubbed "Polly the Insult Parrot," caused havoc on the flight.
About 15 minutes into the flight, the parrot owned by Elvira Sue Danube, 56, began to insult the female flight attendant.
Guinevere yelled out as the attendant went down the aisle with her drink cart, “Hey bitch you call that a hairdo? I’ve seen prettier moss on Lake Michigan.”
The sarcastic parrot then turned to one of the female passengers and asked her why the hell she only shaved one leg.
When a heavyset male passenger walked by Guinevere, she yelled out that he looked like a giant Idaho potato with eyebrows.
The man told her to shut the eff up. She then started hollering out that she had been molested by a great big, fat, tall man with a little prick.
The man grabbed Guinevere by the throat and started chocking her. But luckily the air marshal intervened, knocking the out-of-control passenger to the floor, and taking him into custody.
Elvira Sue remarked that Guinevere only suffered a few ruffled feathers.
And, although she was quite traumatized, she finally calmed down after she was given seven crackers that had been soaked in Johnny Walker Red.


thespoof--2020-11-11--A Polar Bear From The North Pole Amazingly Swims Ashore in Puerto Rico

SAN JUAN , Puerto Rico – ( Satire News ) – Telemundo has stated that beach-goers recently saw a full-grown @ @ @ @ @ San Juan ’ s Mucho Rum Beach .
Witnesses said that the bear looked extremely @ @ @ @ @ said it must have swum for least 2,193 miles from the North Pole to San @ @ @ @ @ checked out the bear , which they named “ Billy ” , said that he @ @ @ @ @ excellent shape - except for a slight cough and a few tiny bruises on his @ @ @ @ @ Telemundo that the bear will be nursed back to health , after which he will @ @ @ @ @ zoo .
They also noted that if there is anyone who still believes that global @ @ @ @ @ then they have about as much sense as a # 2 lead pencil .
PBS @ @ @ @ @ 's richest man , Jeff Bezos , heard about `` Billy '' , and said @ @ @ @ @ to have him flown back to the North Pole .

SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico – (Satire News) – Telemundo has stated that beach-goers recently saw a full-grown polar bear swim ashore at San Juan’s Mucho Rum Beach.
Witnesses said that the bear looked extremely tired, and animal experts said it must have swum for least 2,193 miles from the North Pole to San Juan.
A veterinarian who checked out the bear, which they named “Billy”, said that he was hungry-as-hell, but in excellent shape - except for a slight cough and a few tiny bruises on his belly button.
Vets informed Telemundo that the bear will be nursed back to health, after which he will be placed in a foster zoo.
They also noted that if there is anyone who still believes that global warming is a hoax, then they have about as much sense as a #2 lead pencil.
PBS is reporting that the world's richest man, Jeff Bezos, heard about "Billy", and said that he would gladly pay to have him flown back to the North Pole.


thespoof--2020-11-09--"Fight On, Mr. President" Says Graham, Whose Stiffest Competition for GOP Run in 2024 is Ivanka Trum

"Fight On, Mr. President" Says Graham, Whose Stiffest Competition for GOP Run in 2024 is Ivanka Trump

Charleston , South Carolina - South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham , celebrating his resounding election victory after Trump-loving voters in @ @ @ @ @ him to office , urged President Trump to fight the election results in an interview @ @ @ @ @ Graham , who sharply criticized Trump in 2016 , changed his tune a few years @ @ @ @ @ of the Republican Party when it became apparent that his reelection bid depended upon the @ @ @ @ @ Carolina .
That proved to be a correct strategy .
Now Graham has taken his @ @ @ @ @ insisting that Trump pursue a meaningless attempt to overturn the results of the election , @ @ @ @ @ 5 million votes .
`` Fight on Mr .
President ! ''
said the Senator @ @ @ @ @ to begin his 2024 campaign in Charleston .

Charleston, South Carolina - South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham, celebrating his resounding election victory after Trump-loving voters in his home state overwhelmingly returned him to office, urged President Trump to fight the election results in an interview shortly after his win.
Graham, who sharply criticized Trump in 2016, changed his tune a few years ago and embraced the leader of the Republican Party when it became apparent that his reelection bid depended upon the Party of Trump in South Carolina.
That proved to be a correct strategy. Now Graham has taken his support a step further, insisting that Trump pursue a meaningless attempt to overturn the results of the election, which he lost by almost 5 million votes.
"Fight on Mr. President!" said the Senator, while simultaneously filing papers to begin his 2024 campaign in Charleston.


thespoof--2020-11-13--Aged Spoof Writer to Take Kamala's Senate Seat?

Covina , CA .
Special to The Spoof .
In a surprising move , California governor Gavin Newsom is considering appointing one of The Spoof 's major contributors to replace Kamala Harris as that state 's junior senator .
This , despite press reports that a Latino politician will take Harris ' seat .
`` I 'm white , male , old and disabled , '' wrote Ralph E. Shaffer , in an op-ed to be published in the daily press in the next few days .
`` I represent the most overlooked minority in the state , and we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in Washington . ''
A check of those who have held senate positions from California in the past 40 years shows that the last elected white male senator was over a third of a century ago .
Since then , all newly-elected senators have been female , including one with a black and Indian ethnicity , '' At 90 , '' Shaffer writes in his op-ed , `` no one has to worry about term limits for me .
I 'll retire at the end of this short , fill-out term so I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ grandchildren .
Two years in D.C. is all I can stand . ''
The remainder of the Harris term ends in 2022 .
An added plus for appointing Shaffer , is that there will be no incumbent in the 2022 race and , therefore , no advantage to any of the candidates , Has he packed his bags for the trip east ?
`` I travel light .
And I wo n't be flying in this pandemic .
I 'll take a ride share from Craigslist , with door-to-door service .
I 'm @ @ @ @ @ @ @ . ''

Covina, CA. Special to The Spoof. In a surprising move, California governor Gavin Newsom is considering appointing one of The Spoof's major contributors to replace Kamala Harris as that state's junior senator. This, despite press reports that a Latino politician will take Harris' seat.
"I'm white, male, old and disabled," wrote Ralph E. Shaffer, in an op-ed to be published in the daily press in the next few days. "I represent the most overlooked minority in the state, and we disabled elderly white guys need some representation in Washington."
A check of those who have held senate positions from California in the past 40 years shows that the last elected white male senator was over a third of a century ago. Since then, all newly-elected senators have been female, including one with a black and Indian ethnicity,
"At 90," Shaffer writes in his op-ed, "no one has to worry about term limits for me. I'll retire at the end of this short, fill-out term so I can spend more time with my great-great grandchildren. Two years in D.C. is all I can stand."
The remainder of the Harris term ends in 2022. An added plus for appointing Shaffer, is that there will be no incumbent in the 2022 race and, therefore, no advantage to any of the candidates,
Has he packed his bags for the trip east? "I travel light. And I won't be flying in this pandemic. I'll take a ride share from Craigslist, with door-to-door service. I'm in no hurry to reach the swamp."


thespoof--2020-11-12--Banana Republic in South America sues the US for nicking their system!

( NOT EDITED ) A tiny nation in South America , run by banana cartels , has gone to the International Court of Justice in The Hague , demanding the US pay them five billion $ Bucks , or they will sue both candidates for plagiarism !
Banana Republics in Africa and South America supporting the tiny nation , are up in arms after observing the shenanigan 's of both US candidates during the US election .
Although , African nations tend not to be run by banana cartels , but their methods are the same , and they could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ since a certain , despicable person entered the White House , the USA has become a renegade nation devoted to ignoring every decent standard other democratic nations tend to practice and preach , apart from their greatest ally , the UK , plus mega-creep , and Trump-butt-licker , Nigel Farage .
The Hague situated in a tiny country called , The Netherlands , historically supported spicy republics , not banana ones , in Asia , with their Dutch East India Company .
Hence , the reason they now host the non-corrupt , International @ @ @ @ @ @ @ walked in , took over the place , and taught the Dutch that being naughty internationally leads to zilch , eventually .
However a few million victims must sacrifice their lives on the way , but that 's normal !
A Columbian judge residing in The Hague was offered a shipment of bananas , and a few million drug-white washed-bucks , if he could sue the US quickly before their election methods are 'swept under The Oval Room carpet ' and nobody gives a shit anymore who runs the place as long as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the offer and promised to get the process going before Christmas 2020 , but has his doubts if the out-going president will leave his palace voluntarily !
One president of a slightly larger South American , Banana Republic , told the judge , `` No problem Senor , we have our methods , and no wall can stop us getting him over there to face justice .
As for the president elect , we have contacts with Angie , and the newly elected president just loves German Bratwurst and drives a Merc !

(NOT EDITED) A tiny nation in South America, run by banana cartels, has gone to the International Court of Justice in The Hague, demanding the US pay them five billion $ Bucks, or they will sue both candidates for plagiarism!
Banana Republics in Africa and South America supporting the tiny nation, are up in arms after observing the shenanigan's of both US candidates during the US election. Although, African nations tend not to be run by banana cartels, but their methods are the same, and they could do with the dosh too!
Ever since a certain, despicable person entered the White House, the USA has become a renegade nation devoted to ignoring every decent standard other democratic nations tend to practice and preach, apart from their greatest ally, the UK, plus mega-creep, and Trump-butt-licker, Nigel Farage.
The Hague situated in a tiny country called, The Netherlands, historically supported spicy republics, not banana ones, in Asia, with their Dutch East India Company. Hence, the reason they now host the non-corrupt, International Court of Justice is, because Hitler walked in, took over the place, and taught the Dutch that being naughty internationally leads to zilch, eventually. However a few million victims must sacrifice their lives on the way, but that's normal!
A Columbian judge residing in The Hague was offered a shipment of bananas, and a few million drug-white washed-bucks, if he could sue the US quickly before their election methods are 'swept under The Oval Room carpet' and nobody gives a shit anymore who runs the place as long as it's not him!
He accepted the offer and promised to get the process going before Christmas 2020, but has his doubts if the out-going president will leave his palace voluntarily!
One president of a slightly larger South American, Banana Republic, told the judge, "No problem Senor, we have our methods, and no wall can stop us getting him over there to face justice. As for the president elect, we have contacts with Angie, and the newly elected president just loves German Bratwurst and drives a Merc!


thespoof--2020-11-12--A Secret White House Document Reveals That Trump Wanted All of His Walter Reed Hospital Doctors and

A Secret White House Document Reveals That Trump Wanted All of His Walter Reed Hospital Doctors and Nurses To Be Republicans

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) – According to the Washington Globe Express , President Trump told the @ @ @ @ @ Hospital that he wanted all of his doctors and nurses to be Republicans .
He @ @ @ @ @ did not want any Democrat doctors or nurses getting anywhere near him .
When he @ @ @ @ @ replied that he was afraid that they may have tried to do something extreme , @ @ @ @ @ or maybe completely cutting off his gorgeous Miss USA hair .
A nurse even confided @ @ @ @ @ that POTUS also demanded that , along with no doctors and nurses being Democrat , @ @ @ @ @ clear that he did not want to have any doctors or nurses who were fans @ @ @ @ @ NFL attending to him .
One nurse became so upset that she came very close @ @ @ @ @ to a ping pong ball .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – According to the Washington Globe Express, President Trump told the director of the Walter Reed Hospital that he wanted all of his doctors and nurses to be Republicans.
He made it clear that he did not want any Democrat doctors or nurses getting anywhere near him.
When he was asked why, he replied that he was afraid that they may have tried to do something extreme, like possibly castrating him, or maybe completely cutting off his gorgeous Miss USA hair.
A nurse even confided to a Globe Express reporter that POTUS also demanded that, along with no doctors and nurses being Democrat, he also made it abundantly clear that he did not want to have any doctors or nurses who were fans of the NBA or the NFL attending to him.
One nurse became so upset that she came very close to Gorilla Gluing his genitalia to a ping pong ball.


thespoof--2020-11-11--Trump versus Biden: it's on!!

Trump versus Biden: it's on!!

President of the United States of America , Donald J Trump , has stated today that if he is forced @ @ @ @ @ then he would form a people 's militia that would march in formation each day @ @ @ @ @ and set up camp in a park close to the Pentagon .
President-Elect Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ arrest any troublemakers and impose harsh penalties such as no noodles for a week on @ @ @ @ @ for the Pentagon has released a statement saying that anybody setting foot on the grounds @ @ @ @ @ be `` nuked '' off the face of the planet .
Both Trump and Biden @ @ @ @ @ antagonise each other .
So watch this space .

President of the United States of America, Donald J Trump, has stated today that if he is forced to relinquish the office, then he would form a people's militia that would march in formation each day past the White House, and set up camp in a park close to the Pentagon.
President-Elect Joe Biden responded that he would quickly arrest any troublemakers and impose harsh penalties such as no noodles for a week on any trespassers.
A spokesperson for the Pentagon has released a statement saying that anybody setting foot on the grounds of the military complex would be "nuked" off the face of the planet.
Both Trump and Biden will stop at nothing to antagonise each other. So watch this space.


thespoof--2020-11-13--DeBlasio daughter rushed to therapy following episode of tongue disorder

Mayor of New York , Bill DeBlasio , reports his daughter is recovering nicely and will be released soon .
His daughter , Chiara DeBlasio , 25 , showed signs of a second indication of perfide rei publicae lingua ( rogue political tongue ) in Democratic Circles recently .
First , there was Speaker of the House , Nancy Pelosi , who announced Joe Biden would be president on January 21 “ whatever the end count is on the election.
” This was prior to the November 3 election .
Alarm bells jangled in the media as to implications of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ counted .
Despite MSM claims Biden has won , including congratulations from foreign leaders and the Pope , the election is not yet officially over .
Electors have not voted and do not do so until December .
In the latest developments , poll , workers in Michigan have come forward to declare vote-count problems .
It is possible Ms. DeBlasio caught some lingering bacillus of Rogue Political Tongue ( RPT ) in Ms. Pelosi 's thinking .
*First , she told the interviewer she was very happy because “ now we have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ office elected ” .
*This was followed by “ Joe Biden was able to steal .
.
.
no , was able to win ” , at which point she later admitted her tongue throbbed violently .
According to ABC News , “ The presidency remained undecided as of Friday morning ” ( today ) .
Exuberant dancers in the street over Biden have settled down to sit on curbs with worried frowns .
Could an election actually be stolen in the United States ?
As with a Banana Republic ?

Mayor of New York, Bill DeBlasio, reports his daughter is recovering nicely and will be released soon.
His daughter, Chiara DeBlasio, 25, showed signs of a second indication of perfide rei publicae lingua (rogue political tongue) in Democratic Circles recently.
First, there was Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, who announced Joe Biden would be president on January 21 “whatever the end count is on the election.”
This was prior to the November 3 election.
Alarm bells jangled in the media as to implications of this comment on how votes might be counted.
Despite MSM claims Biden has won, including congratulations from foreign leaders and the Pope, the election is not yet officially over.
Electors have not voted and do not do so until December.
Irregularities persist.
In the latest developments, poll, workers in Michigan have come forward to declare vote-count problems.
It is possible Ms. DeBlasio caught some lingering bacillus of Rogue Political Tongue (RPT) in Ms. Pelosi's thinking.
*First, she told the interviewer she was very happy because “now we have the first black female Asian president in office elected”.
*This was followed by “Joe Biden was able to steal . . . no, was able to win”, at which point she later admitted her tongue throbbed violently.
According to ABC News, “The presidency remained undecided as of Friday morning” (today).
Exuberant dancers in the street over Biden have settled down to sit on curbs with worried frowns.
Could an election actually be stolen in the United States? As with a Banana Republic?


thespoof--2020-11-13--Trump suddenly appears in public. Biden is not worried.

President of the United States , Donald J Trump , has made his first public appearance in five days , @ @ @ @ @ remembrance service .
Observers say he looked relaxed and at ease , as he laid @ @ @ @ @ plinth and then placed a number seven spanner on top of the concrete block .
@ @ @ @ @ on to Office , and says he will ask his supporters to defend the White @ @ @ @ @ get him to leave .
One supporter has promised he will use his World War @ @ @ @ @ any `` swamp creatures '' .
President-Elect Joe Biden was also attending a separate service @ @ @ @ @ `` battle to end all battles '' if Donald Trump decides to dig in at @ @ @ @

President of the United States, Donald J Trump, has made his first public appearance in five days, to attend the Memorial Day remembrance service.
Observers say he looked relaxed and at ease, as he laid a wreath at the memorial plinth and then placed a number seven spanner on top of the concrete block.
Trump is determined to hold on to Office, and says he will ask his supporters to defend the White House if anybody tries to get him to leave. One supporter has promised he will use his World War II tank to fight off any "swamp creatures".
President-Elect Joe Biden was also attending a separate service. He is promising a "battle to end all battles" if Donald Trump decides to dig in at the White House.


thespoof--2020-11-13--President Trump Hates Fox News and Vows To Destroy It With His Own News Network

QUAKER OATS , Pennsylvania – ( Satire News ) – The President held another of his post-election campaign rallies .
This one was in the Keystone state town of Quaker Oats .
The town , founded in 1616 , is noted for growing the tastiest oats in the world .
It is also noted for smelling like a great , big , gigantic bowl of stale oatmeal .
POTUS spoke to a crowd of 82 individuals who held up signs which strangely read , `` you didn ’ t lose , Biden just won '' .
After the rally , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Acosta , what he thought about Fox News starting to turn on him .
He angrily spat on the floor , and said that Fox News , , like Benny Mussolini , is dead to him .
He added that , truth be told , he now likes CNN , MSNBC , and Telemundo way more than he loves ‘ Faux News ’ .
Trump then added , with a smile as big as Sara Huckabee ’ s ass , that , in early February , he plans to get on the air @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
He paused and said that it will be a pleasure to kick the collective asses of Sean Hannity , Laura Ingraham , Tucker Carlson , Lou Dobbs , and the other hypocrite losers .

QUAKER OATS, Pennsylvania – (Satire News) – The President held another of his post-election campaign rallies. This one was in the Keystone state town of Quaker Oats.
The town, founded in 1616, is noted for growing the tastiest oats in the world. It is also noted for smelling like a great, big, gigantic bowl of stale oatmeal.
POTUS spoke to a crowd of 82 individuals who held up signs which strangely read, "you didn’t lose, Biden just won".
After the rally, he was asked by CNN reporter Jim Acosta, what he thought about Fox News starting to turn on him. He angrily spat on the floor, and said that Fox News,, like Benny Mussolini, is dead to him.
He added that, truth be told, he now likes CNN, MSNBC, and Telemundo way more than he loves ‘Faux News’.
Trump then added, with a smile as big as Sara Huckabee’s ass, that, in early February, he plans to get on the air with his very own 24-hour news network.
He paused and said that it will be a pleasure to kick the collective asses of Sean Hannity, Laura Ingraham, Tucker Carlson, Lou Dobbs, and the other hypocrite losers.


thespoof--2020-11-14--GOP Asks Judge to Invalidate Election After Pineapple Inadvertently Added to Pizza Delivered to Vote

GOP Asks Judge to Invalidate Election After Pineapple Inadvertently Added to Pizza Delivered to Vote Counters

Philadelphia - Running out of options after federal and state courts tossed all of their complaints filed to invalidate the @ @ @ @ @ Republican lawyers led by Trump personal attorney Rudy Giuliani held a hastily-called news conference , @ @ @ @ @ had discovered new discrepancies which occurred during the vote counting process at the main vote @ @ @ @ @ Several Vote Counters and a Supervisor ordered out pizza specified to include pepperoni , olives @ @ @ @ @ pies in question arrived with pineapple .
We have the photos , they ’ re @ @ @ @ @ mailed to Tucker Carlson , ” said Rudy .
“ I ’ m calling the @ @ @ @ @ and we ’ re going to put a stop to this whole charade tomorrow , @ @ @ @

Philadelphia - Running out of options after federal and state courts tossed all of their complaints filed to invalidate the election results In Pennsylvania, Republican lawyers led by Trump personal attorney Rudy Giuliani held a hastily-called news conference, yesterday, to announce they had discovered new discrepancies which occurred during the vote counting process at the main vote center in Philadelphia.
“Several Vote Counters and a Supervisor ordered out pizza specified to include pepperoni, olives and mushrooms, but the pies in question arrived with pineapple. We have the photos, they’re on a flash drive we mailed to Tucker Carlson,” said Rudy.
“I’m calling the President with the news, and we’re going to put a stop to this whole charade tomorrow,” he added.


thespoof--2020-11-14--It's Finally Official: 306 to 232

It's Finally Official: 306 to 232

WASHINGTON , D.C. - ( Satire News ) - After what seemed like weeks , the final Electoral College numbers are in , and Joe Biden will be moving into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in January .
The final Electoral College vote tally was 306 to 232 ; a virtual landslide .
President Trump also lost the popular vote by 5.3 million popular votes .
And White House insiders say that everyone of the staff members is keeping their distance from Trump for fear of getting bit .
Word is , even the first lady , Melania , upon hearing the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bedroom .
A maid said she heard Mrs. Trump exclaim , `` Yes !
Yes !
Damn Effen Yes ! ''
The maid added , tongue-in-cheek , that Melania was by herself .
It is no secret that the first lady has hated living in the White House since the very beginning .
She told her parents , when she first moved in , that it was like living in a Honduran sanitary landfill .
Melania 's son , Barron , spent the afternoon celebrating the fact that he is getting paroled , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and whistling songs by his favorite singer , Yo Yo Afro Woke .
Meanwhile , Nancy Pelosi gleamed with unbounded joy , as she told a group of reporters , that Trumpski should be getting measured for an orange jumpsuit , sometime in early February .

WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - After what seemed like weeks, the final Electoral College numbers are in, and Joe Biden will be moving into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in January.
The final Electoral College vote tally was 306 to 232; a virtual landslide.
President Trump also lost the popular vote by 5.3 million popular votes. And White House insiders say that everyone of the staff members is keeping their distance from Trump for fear of getting bit.
Word is, even the first lady, Melania, upon hearing the final results, locked herself in her bedroom. A maid said she heard Mrs. Trump exclaim, "Yes! Yes! Damn Effen Yes!"
The maid added, tongue-in-cheek, that Melania was by herself.
It is no secret that the first lady has hated living in the White House since the very beginning. She told her parents, when she first moved in, that it was like living in a Honduran sanitary landfill.
Melania's son, Barron, spent the afternoon celebrating the fact that he is getting paroled, by eating 7 Neopolitan ice cream cones, and whistling songs by his favorite singer, Yo Yo Afro Woke.
Meanwhile, Nancy Pelosi gleamed with unbounded joy, as she told a group of reporters, that Trumpski should be getting measured for an orange jumpsuit, sometime in early February.


thespoof--2020-11-15--Pelosi and Newsom apologize for lack of decency in following their own rules

Speaker of the House Pelosi and California 's Governor Newsom have again been caught at the threshold of an embarrassing moment .
First it was Ms. Pelosi holding a dinner for incoming Democratic house members , with special air conditioning units and tables with extensive table-cloth coverings .
Masking and social distancing were to be pursued , at least while standing up , according to reports .
However , various media were incensed at this development with Pelosi what with all the pressure on canceling Thanksgiving .
Mr. Newsom 's turn was next by attending a birthday celebration for a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was “ a mistake.
” Ms. Pelosi meanwhile has said the celebration for newcomers is changed to take-out for solitary hotel rooms with zoom and banging on the walls .
The Newsom celebration was anticipated eagerly by reporters as an opportunity to observe the Governor 's own maxim : “ Wear a mask between bites , ” Reporters were not allowed to observe but one anonymous guest has let slip a few details .
*You keep the thumb at the ready at the bottom of the mask ; *Food on fork poised , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ maximum of 2 seconds , into which the fork can plunge ; *Chew rapidly ; do not delay ( reports of eyeballs bulging and very little social interaction ) .
Drinking anything is slightly more difficult .
Again , the mask must be held apart for the aperture , with the head titled back , then the liquid quickly poured .
Scientific studies of these procedures indicate a person should try to get the time involved in the aperture 's being open to Now , in the case of a swimming-pool party , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ water needed from a licensed filtering company ( such as No Covid !
No Shit !
Incorporated ; *no bathing attire allowed for bacilli to cling to and carry out of the pool ; *hand wiping equipment on tables for sanitary assurance and whatever purposes ; *masks be worn on entering or exiting the pool area *plus whenever standing up .
Ms. Pelosi and Mr. Newsom have commented on these developments : '' We continue to learn how to guide and what to pass on to the American people ! ''

Speaker of the House Pelosi and California's Governor Newsom have again been caught at the threshold of an embarrassing moment.
First it was Ms. Pelosi holding a dinner for incoming Democratic house members, with special air conditioning units and tables with extensive table-cloth coverings.
Masking and social distancing were to be pursued, at least while standing up, according to reports.
(Science has now established that while sitting at an eating table, covid menace is abated significantly--until standing up.)
However, various media were incensed at this development with Pelosi what with all the pressure on canceling Thanksgiving.
Mr. Newsom's turn was next by attending a birthday celebration for a staff member. He now says this was “a mistake.”
Ms. Pelosi meanwhile has said the celebration for newcomers is changed to
take-out for solitary hotel rooms with zoom and banging on the walls.
The Newsom celebration was anticipated eagerly by reporters as an opportunity to observe the Governor's own maxim: “Wear a mask between bites,”
Reporters were not allowed to observe but one anonymous guest has let slip a few details.
His technique:
*You keep the thumb at the ready at the bottom of the mask;
*Food on fork poised, quickly create an aperture, for a maximum of 2 seconds, into which the fork can plunge;
*Chew rapidly; do not delay (reports of eyeballs bulging and very little social interaction).
Drinking anything is slightly more difficult.
Again, the mask must be held apart for the aperture, with the head titled back, then the liquid quickly poured.
(Some reports here of choking, coughing, and bent over next to the dining table with subsequent red face around the masking device.)
Scientific studies of these procedures indicate a person should try to get the time involved in the aperture's being open to one second.
Now, in the case of a swimming-pool party, these rules are essential:
*continually filtered water needed from a licensed filtering company (such as No Covid! No Shit! Incorporated;
*no bathing attire allowed for bacilli to cling to and carry out of the pool;
*hand wiping equipment on tables for sanitary assurance and whatever purposes;
*masks must be worn on entering or exiting the pool area
*plus whenever standing up.
Ms. Pelosi and Mr. Newsom have commented on these developments:
"We continue to learn how to guide and what to pass on to the American people!"


thespoof--2020-11-14--Fauci discovered lurking near Washington Monument with Obedience Training Manual in back pocket

Mr. Fauci 's current stand on the need for the American people to “ just do what you 're told ” took on new tones and insinuations this evening .
Investigators found him pacing near the famous monument to George Washington which , according to historians , is a tribute to the first president 's “ military leadership , statesmanship , and wisdom.
” Nearby , is the equally famous reflecting pool meant to remind one of the values of freedom and independence in the citizenry since the Revolution .
As with the first amendment to the Constitution : Congress @ @ @ @ @ @ @ abridging the freedom of speech , or of the press ; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble , and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances .
Mr. Fauci took out of his pocket a training manual created by himself .
Its title : “ Obedience Training for This Time of Virus , Scientific Analysis , and Who Knows What Else !
” Mr. Fauci had just announced in a TV interview that Americans must come around to “ just do what you 're told.
” Investigation does @ @ @ @ @ @ @ manual includes suggestions for accompanying salutes .
One such salute , with the arm raised high from the shoulder , fingers extended , has yet been suggested , along with an accompanying , “ Yes , boss !
” The problem with current resistance , according to Mr. Fauci , is not the vagueness in reports of Covid-19 cases and what they mean .
*As with `` positive '' at- -asymptomatic -mild ( the President was recently diagnosed ill on a Friday and was back in the office by Monday ) -troubling like @ @ @ @ @ @ @ comorbidities ) .
*Nor the relationship of cases to death rates , which have not increased significantly .
*Nor to questions on how good the testing is ( Elon Musk for example just said he tested four times in one day to 2 negative results and 2 positives ) .
*Nor to indications of conflict of interest , as with Bill Gates and Mr. Fauci himself due to ties to the pharmaceutical and vaccines industries .
*Nor to a modern culture of capitalism and what some call “ disease harvesting ” which Mr. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a liberty-loving nation .
No .
The problem is that the American people are now defying “ science ” ( although numerous scientists are in dispute ) and are “ not doing what you 're told.
” Independence is all very fine , according to Mr. Fauci , unless it interferes with government planning for the security and longevity of those running the nation .

Mr. Fauci's current stand on the need for the American people to “just do what you're told” took on new tones and insinuations this evening.
Investigators found him pacing near the famous monument to George Washington which, according to historians, is a tribute to the first president's “military leadership, statesmanship, and wisdom.”
Nearby, is the equally famous reflecting pool meant to remind one of the values of freedom and independence in the citizenry since the Revolution.
As with the first amendment to the Constitution:
Congress shall make no law . . . abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
Mr. Fauci took out of his pocket a training manual created by himself.
Its title: “Obedience Training for This Time of Virus, Scientific Analysis, and Who Knows What Else!”
Mr. Fauci had just announced in a TV interview that Americans must come around to “just do what you're told.”
Investigation does not yet confirm that Mr. Fauci's manual includes suggestions for accompanying salutes.
One such salute, with the arm raised high from the shoulder, fingers extended, has not yet been suggested, along with an accompanying, “Yes, boss!”
The problem with current resistance, according to Mr. Fauci, is not the vagueness in reports of Covid-19 cases and what they mean.
*As with "positive" at-
-asymptomatic
-mild (the President was recently diagnosed ill on a Friday and was back in the office by Monday)
-troubling like a severe flu
-severe (especially with comorbidities).
*Nor the relationship of cases to death rates, which have not increased significantly.
*Nor to questions on how good the testing is (Elon Musk for example just said he tested four times in one day to 2 negative results and 2 positives).
*Nor to indications of conflict of interest, as with Bill Gates and Mr. Fauci himself due to ties to the pharmaceutical and vaccines industries.
*Nor to a modern culture of capitalism and what some call “disease harvesting” which Mr. Washington might have considered unduly nasty for a liberty-loving nation.
No. The problem is that the American people are now defying “science” (although numerous scientists are in dispute) and are “not doing what you're told.”
Independence is all very fine, according to Mr. Fauci, unless it interferes with government planning for the security and longevity of those running the nation.


thespoof--2020-11-15--President Trump New Book, 'Mein Kampf 2' Out Now

He may have been voted out of the most powerful job in the world , but Donald Trump is n't going away quietly , and today sees the release of his new book , 'Mein Kampf 2 ' .
Chronicling the struggle he endured during his four years in the White House , Trump details his ranting thoughts and ideas in the rambling , somewhat incoherent way we 've come to know and love .
The 5,000-page publication comes in five volumes , and omits nothing , unfortunately .
His humble beginnings , his hated schooldays , his down-and-out existence @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one of the most tyrannical , evil , and disturbed individuals one could possibly hope to encounter , and , finally , how he overcame seemingly-insurmountable odds and obstacles in becoming the 45th president of the US .
It comes with an extensive section of his Twitter tweets , and has more than 250 photographs , many of them taken whilst he was struggling with various golf courses around the world .
Trump claims to have written the entire work since his inauguration in 2016 , and says that much of it was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ should have been paying more attention to the running of the country .
Unlike much of what Trump says , this claim is entirely believable .

He may have been voted out of the most powerful job in the world, but Donald Trump isn't going away quietly, and today sees the release of his new book, 'Mein Kampf 2'.
Chronicling the struggle he endured during his four years in the White House, Trump details his ranting thoughts and ideas in the rambling, somewhat incoherent way we've come to know and love.
The 5,000-page publication comes in five volumes, and omits nothing, unfortunately.
His humble beginnings, his hated schooldays, his down-and-out existence roaming the streets, his transformation into one of the most tyrannical, evil, and disturbed individuals one could possibly hope to encounter, and, finally, how he overcame seemingly-insurmountable odds and obstacles in becoming the 45th president of the US.
It comes with an extensive section of his Twitter tweets, and has more than 250 photographs, many of them taken whilst he was struggling with various golf courses around the world.
Trump claims to have written the entire work since his inauguration in 2016, and says that much of it was done in the White House when he should have been paying more attention to the running of the country.
Unlike much of what Trump says, this claim is entirely believable.


thespoof--2020-11-15--Did Aliens Hack The Election?

Did Aliens Hack The Election?

Associated Press , November 15 , 2020 : President Trump ’ s personal attorney , Rudolph Giuliani , told reporters today that he had overwhelming evidence that the November 3rd presidential election had been rigged .
“ Scientists , ” he claimed , “ had detected a burst of radiation from outer space ” that was aimed at voting machines “ all over the planet , ” which caused them to falsely register votes for Biden instead of Trump .
Fox News commentator Laura Ingraham was quick to endorse this theory , stating in a tweet that “ everyone knows @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and disease to our heartland.
” Senator Lindsay Graham urged President Trump to immediately mobilize the recently formed United States Space Force to “ neutralize this menace.
” Demonstrators in San Antonio , Texas carried placards that stated , “ BIDEN-HARRIS PLOT ALIEN PODS.
” The Union of Concerned Scientists put out a press release stating that the energy burst which Giuliani referred to came from the galaxy Messier 49 located in the constellation Virgo , some 55.9 million light years from Earth .
“ It is inconceivable that an alien civilization could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to disrupt our elections approximately 55 million years before human beings emerged on Earth , ” the release stated .
A Gallup poll of 750 registered voters found that 75 % of republicans believed that aliens did , in fact , manipulate the presidential election .

Associated Press, November 15, 2020: President Trump’s personal attorney, Rudolph Giuliani, told reporters today that he had overwhelming evidence that the November 3rd presidential election had been rigged.
“Scientists,” he claimed, “had detected a burst of radiation from outer space” that was aimed at voting machines “all over the planet,” which caused them to falsely register votes for Biden instead of Trump. Fox News commentator Laura Ingraham was quick to endorse this theory, stating in a tweet that “everyone knows that aliens from Mars will bring crime and disease to our heartland.” Senator Lindsay Graham urged President Trump to immediately mobilize the recently formed United States Space Force to “neutralize this menace.” Demonstrators in San Antonio, Texas carried placards that stated, “BIDEN-HARRIS PLOT ALIEN PODS.”
The Union of Concerned Scientists put out a press release stating that the energy burst which Giuliani referred to came from the galaxy Messier 49 located in the constellation Virgo, some 55.9 million light years from Earth. “It is inconceivable that an alien civilization could have aimed something at our planet intended to disrupt our elections approximately 55 million years before human beings emerged on Earth,” the release stated. A Gallup poll of 750 registered voters found that 75% of republicans believed that aliens did, in fact, manipulate the presidential election.


thespoof--2020-11-16--Trump: "Voters don't decide elections, courts do"

For most people , the US election is over .
Joe Biden won by a clear margin of 306-232 - coincidentally the same margin that Donald Trump won by four years ago .
But Trump and his supporters have still not accepted the defeat .
`` We 're going to take this to court , '' said Trump lawyer Rudy Guiliani , despite there being no evidence of wrong-doing that would justify such a move .
Spokesman for the losing president , Wyoming Idaho , said it was time for a change .
`` We 've had 244 years of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ let the voters decide .
And let 's be honest , it has n't worked out too well . ''
He continued , `` What we need is a court system that does n't rely on trivial things such as facts and evidence .
The winner of the election should be whoever files the most lawsuits .
And , so far , Trump is winning 10 to 0 on that score .
He deserves to be our president again . ''
US election commentator Geoff Washington disagreed .
`` Those lawsuits were all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ where Trump gets the money from to pay for these , because he 's broke .
It 's astonishing that the US may well be undermining the foundations of its own democracy , just to please the ego of a pathetic narcissist who ca n't stand the fact that he lost .
It 's like he 's a snowflake Hitler . ''

For most people, the US election is over. Joe Biden won by a clear margin of 306-232 - coincidentally the same margin that Donald Trump won by four years ago. But Trump and his supporters have still not accepted the defeat.
"We're going to take this to court," said Trump lawyer Rudy Guiliani, despite there being no evidence of wrong-doing that would justify such a move.
Spokesman for the losing president, Wyoming Idaho, said it was time for a change. "We've had 244 years of democracy in this country where we have let the voters decide. And let's be honest, it hasn't worked out too well."
He continued, "What we need is a court system that doesn't rely on trivial things such as facts and evidence. The winner of the election should be whoever files the most lawsuits. And, so far, Trump is winning 10 to 0 on that score. He deserves to be our president again."
US election commentator Geoff Washington disagreed. "Those lawsuits were all thrown out. I don't know where Trump gets the money from to pay for these, because he's broke. It's astonishing that the US may well be undermining the foundations of its own democracy, just to please the ego of a pathetic narcissist who can't stand the fact that he lost. It's like he's a snowflake Hitler."


thespoof--2020-11-16--President Trump is Now Insisting That The Election Was Rigged By Circus Midgets

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) – A White House insider says that President Trump has been hiding in the Presidential Bunker , due to the fact that he is as embarrassed at losing the election in a landslide , as a priest who ’ s been caught reading a book on Atheism .
The American Federation of Brain Therapists all agree that Donald has reached stage 7 of disillusionment .
They say that he ’ s only playing with 19 cards of a 52-card deck .
They noted that his Shetland pony is missing two horseshoes , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ string .
In other words , Donald Johnny Trump , who is 74 , but who now appears like he ’ s 94 , is looking like a man who has been beaten repeatedly in his noggin with an adult porcupine .
And the spoiled brat says he will never admit that he lost .
He then points out that he knows , for a fact , that the election was rigged by a group of Ringling Brothers , Barnum & Bailey Circus midgets .
An unnamed White House source has remarked that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the divorce papers expedited post haste .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – A White House insider says that President Trump has been hiding in the Presidential Bunker, due to the fact that he is as embarrassed at losing the election in a landslide, as a priest who’s been caught reading a book on Atheism.
The American Federation of Brain Therapists all agree that Donald has reached stage 7 of disillusionment.
They say that he’s only playing with 19 cards of a 52-card deck. They noted that his Shetland pony is missing two horseshoes, and his bass guitar only has one string.
In other words, Donald Johnny Trump, who is 74, but who now appears like he’s 94, is looking like a man who has been beaten repeatedly in his noggin with an adult porcupine.
And the spoiled brat says he will never admit that he lost. He then points out that he knows, for a fact, that the election was rigged by a group of Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus midgets.
An unnamed White House source has remarked that Melania is trying her damnedest to get the divorce papers expedited post haste.


thespoof--2020-11-15--President “One Term” Trump Vows To Fire All 9 Supreme Court Judges

WASHINGTON , D.C. – ( Satire News ) – There is no doubt whatsoever that President Trump lost the popular vote , the Electoral College vote , and even the women who don ’ t mind him grabbing them by their you-know-what vote .
But , like they say in the Show Me state , the turdhead is as stubborn as a Missouri mule , and he is now saying he may end up firing each one of the 9 Supreme Court justices .
His son , Dopey ( Donnie Jr. ) , told Lou Dobbs of Fox News that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like General George Custer said at the Battle of the Little French Horn , 61 years ago .
Trump ’ s other son , Sneezy ( Eric ) , corrected Junior , and said that it was 52 years ago , and it was at The Battle of the Bulged Belly in Anchorage , Alaska .
The President was asked by Hercules Confetti with Sporting Chance Magazine what he thought about the Supreme Court refusing to do away with Obamacare .
POTUS turned as red as a Zimbabwean chimp ’ s ass , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to fire each of the nine Supreme Court justices , and fine each one $ 1 million for going against his demands .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – (Satire News) – There is no doubt whatsoever that President Trump lost the popular vote, the Electoral College vote, and even the women who don’t mind him grabbing them by their you-know-what vote.
But, like they say in the Show Me state, the turdhead is as stubborn as a Missouri mule, and he is now saying he may end up firing each one of the 9 Supreme Court justices.
His son, Dopey (Donnie Jr.), told Lou Dobbs of Fox News that his daddy would never surrender, just like General George Custer said at the Battle of the Little French Horn, 61 years ago.
Trump’s other son, Sneezy (Eric), corrected Junior, and said that it was 52 years ago, and it was at The Battle of the Bulged Belly in Anchorage, Alaska.
The President was asked by Hercules Confetti with Sporting Chance Magazine what he thought about the Supreme Court refusing to do away with Obamacare.
POTUS turned as red as a Zimbabwean chimp’s ass, and yelled that he is definitely going to fire each of the nine Supreme Court justices, and fine each one $1 million for going against his demands.


thespoof--2020-11-15--President Trump finds himself in the bog.

President of the USA , Donald J Trump , has fallen down a bog hole and disappeared while playing on @ @ @ @ @ .
Authorities are currently excavating the site , but have been unable to locate the @ @ @ @ @ as Mr Trump was walking towards the eighteenth green .
His playing partner said he @ @ @ @ @ and , by the time help arrived , there was no trace of him to @ @ @ @ @ advised only an hour after the incident , and he issued a statement saying that @ @ @ @ @ '' .
In breaking news , the President has emerged 24 miles away in a @ @ @ @ @ .
He waved down a passing funeral hearse and got a lift into the next @ @ @ @ @ President is unharmed and even smiling .
Authorities are deeply relieved , but justly curious @ @ @ @ @ , and why he surfaced so far away .

President of the USA, Donald J Trump, has fallen down a bog hole and disappeared while playing on his golf links in Florida.
Authorities are currently excavating the site, but have been unable to locate the President.
The accident happened as Mr Trump was walking towards the eighteenth green. His playing partner said he went down quite rapidly, and, by the time help arrived, there was no trace of him to see.
The Vice-President was advised only an hour after the incident, and he issued a statement saying that the situation was "grim".
In breaking news, the President has emerged 24 miles away in a swamp in the next county. He waved down a passing funeral hearse and got a lift into the next village. It seems the President is unharmed and even smiling.
Authorities are deeply relieved, but justly curious as to how he survived, and why he surfaced so far away.


thespoof--2020-11-15--Trump Attempts To Cancel Vote Counts To Bone Spur Flare-up!

Today , Donald Trump 's personal physician , Dr Feelsyouupyourasslabub , testified to a Pennsylvania judge that Trump 's chronic @ @ @ @ @ stoppage of all vote counting until the flare-up subsides .
When asked how long this @ @ @ @ @ replied , `` about 4 years . ''
The judge laughed loudly and and hit @ @ @ @ @ , `` Get this f'ing moron out of my court !
NEXT !
!
!
@ @ @ @ @ case , and summarily ruled to award punitive damages to the State of Pennsylvania for @ @ @ @ @ the tune of 1 million dollars , to discourage future nonsensical lawsuits of this kind @

Today, Donald Trump's personal physician, Dr Feelsyouupyourasslabub, testified to a Pennsylvania judge that Trump's chronic bone spur problem necessitates the stoppage of all vote counting until the flare-up subsides. When asked how long this might take, the doctor replied, "about 4 years."
The judge laughed loudly and and hit his gavel on the desk, "Get this f'ing moron out of my court! NEXT!!!"
The judge dismissed the case, and summarily ruled to award punitive damages to the State of Pennsylvania for all court related costs to the tune of 1 million dollars, to discourage future nonsensical lawsuits of this kind.


thespoof--2020-11-16--President Trump Finally Admits His Big Beautiful Border Wall Was Just a Waste of $4.9 Billion of The

President Trump Finally Admits His Big Beautiful Border Wall Was Just a Waste of $4.9 Billion of The American Taxpayers Money.

MUFFLER SMOKE , Michigan – ( Satire News ) – President Trump spoke at his latest post-election campaign hate rally before a crowd of 14 people , including a 99-year-old woman with an emotional support beaver .
The President said that he will never admit he got his ass kicked , even though a person living in the most remote part of Siberia knows he lost like no president before him ever has .
After the 2-hour-and-47-minute speech , he was asked by CNN ’ s Jim Acosta if he was now willing to admit that his big , beautiful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump replied that , yes , he would finally admit that he literally wasted $ 4.9 billion of taxpayers money , for a piece of shit wall that did not keep even 10-year-old girls out .
He further noted that he lied about Mexico paying for the wall .
When Acosta asked him why he lied about it , POTUS shrugged his shoulders , and said , “ Because , Jimmy , I have always been a no-good son-of-a-bitch pathological liar.
” Acosta gave him a fist bump , and replied , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ No problem , James , my pleasure , ” replied the outgoing president of the USA .

MUFFLER SMOKE, Michigan – (Satire News) – President Trump spoke at his latest post-election campaign hate rally before a crowd of 14 people, including a 99-year-old woman with an emotional support beaver.
The President said that he will never admit he got his ass kicked, even though a person living in the most remote part of Siberia knows he lost like no president before him ever has.
After the 2-hour-and-47-minute speech, he was asked by CNN’s Jim Acosta if he was now willing to admit that his big, beautiful border wall was a gigantic failure.
Trump replied that, yes, he would finally admit that he literally wasted $4.9 billion of taxpayers money, for a piece of shit wall that did not keep even 10-year-old girls out.
He further noted that he lied about Mexico paying for the wall. When Acosta asked him why he lied about it, POTUS shrugged his shoulders, and said, “Because, Jimmy, I have always been a no-good son-of-a-bitch pathological liar.”
Acosta gave him a fist bump, and replied, “Thanks for finally admitting it, sir.”
“No problem, James, my pleasure,” replied the outgoing president of the USA.


thespoof--2020-11-13--Nerdish Bully now bullying in Latin

Nerdish Bully now bullying in Latin

Quentin Headspace III , a man blessed with both brains and brawn ( or so he likes to tell everyone @ @ @ @ @ everyone in Latin .
'Yes , ' said Quentin , 'all of the other bullies @ @ @ @ @ very short , simple words , aimed to get their points across in the simplest @ @ @ @ @ not for me though .
I want to confuse the minions when I take their @ @ @ @ @ self-respect they have .
I mean , it is bad enough that I have to @ @ @ @ @ I have to do it in style .
I want people to remember me .
@ @ @ @ @ a comprehensive school with only 250 pupils .
No-one has ever been scared of him @ @ @ @ @ he was kicked in the privates .
He has never had a Latin class in @ @ @ @ @ shouts the proper names of flowers and vegetables at people as they avoid him in @ @ @

Quentin Headspace III, a man blessed with both brains and brawn (or so he likes to tell everyone) will henceforth be bullying everyone in Latin.
'Yes,' said Quentin, 'all of the other bullies only bully in English, very short, simple words, aimed to get their points across in the simplest of fashions. That is not for me though. I want to confuse the minions when I take their money, and what little self-respect they have. I mean, it is bad enough that I have to bully the minions, but I have to do it in style. I want people to remember me.'
Headspace III goes to a comprehensive school with only 250 pupils. No-one has ever been scared of him, not since that time he was kicked in the privates. He has never had a Latin class in his life, and simply shouts the proper names of flowers and vegetables at people as they avoid him in the corridor.


thespoof--2020-11-16--Thousands of Fact Checkers File for Unemployment After Trump Loss and Defection of Right-wingers to

Thousands of Fact Checkers File for Unemployment After Trump Loss and Defection of Right-wingers to Parler

Washington - After the Trump election loss , and after his millions of Facebook and Twitter followers and trolls decided @ @ @ @ @ platform called Parler , professional fact checkers have seen the handwriting on the wall , @ @ @ @ @ en masse .
Users of Parler made it clear that anyone trying to verify the @ @ @ @ @ Twitter and Facebook posts of Trump , Alex Jones , Sean Hannity and other right @ @ @ @ @ welcome , and would face a reprimand from the managers of the site .
`` @ @ @ @ @ censured by the fact checkers on Facebook .
It 's against free speech ! ''
@ @ @ @ @ .
`` Users of social media should be allowed to believe any alternative facts of @ @ @ @ @ another .
`` Without Trump and other wingnuts going hog wild with conspiracy theories on @ @ @ @ @ much out of a job , '' said one fact checker .

Washington - After the Trump election loss, and after his millions of Facebook and Twitter followers and trolls decided to join a right wing platform called Parler, professional fact checkers have seen the handwriting on the wall, and are seeking unemployment benefits en masse.
Users of Parler made it clear that anyone trying to verify the sources and facts behind the Twitter and Facebook posts of Trump, Alex Jones, Sean Hannity and other right wing commentators, were not welcome, and would face a reprimand from the managers of the site.
"We're tired of being censured by the fact checkers on Facebook. It's against free speech!" cried one right wing blogger. "Users of social media should be allowed to believe any alternative facts of their choosing," added another.
"Without Trump and other wingnuts going hog wild with conspiracy theories on Twitter, we're pretty much out of a job," said one fact checker.


thespoof--2020-11-17--Rip Van Biden Finally Wakes Up: Can’t Stop Talking

BILLINGSGATE POST : After six months of silent hibernation in his basement , Rip Van Biden finally wakes up and @ @ @ @ @ .
“ This can happen , ” says noted Sleep Therapist , Dr. Quasimodo , @ @ @ @ @ Department at Harvard University .
“ Usually , ” Dr. Quasimodo goes on to say @ @ @ @ @ phenomenon is a result of oxygen deprivation in the brain of the individual .
Once @ @ @ @ @ who suffer from this deprivation never wake up .
But in some rare cases , @ @ @ @ @ Biden ’ s , they wake up and start chatting , only interrupting themselves for @ @ @ @ @ Slim : “ Do they ever catch up on what they missed ?
” Dirty @ @ @ @ @ .
Wake me up in four years .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: After six months of silent hibernation in his basement, Rip Van Biden finally wakes up and can’t stop talking.
“This can happen,” says noted Sleep Therapist, Dr. Quasimodo, who heads the Deep Sleep Department at Harvard University.
“Usually,” Dr. Quasimodo goes on to say, “This sleep disorder phenomenon is a result of oxygen deprivation in the brain of the individual. Once this happens, most patients who suffer from this deprivation never wake up. But in some rare cases, such as in Rip Van Biden’s, they wake up and start chatting, only interrupting themselves for eating and sniffing hair.”
Slim: “Do they ever catch up on what they missed?”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Wake me up in four years.”


thespoof--2020-11-16--Melania Trump Is Now The Latest Person To Write a Tell-All Book on President Trump

WASHINGTON , D. C. – With President Trump ’ s former national security adviser , Michael Bolton ; his niece , Mary Trump ; his former lawyer and fixer , Michael Cohen ; and a White House cook , all writing tell-all books on him , it ’ s no wonder that First Lady , Melania , has decided to jump on the bandwagon and join the fray .
Tabitha Tula Wishywater with GOPicky Magazine noted there was no one on the face of the earth , who knows Trump better than Melania - not even Stormy Daniels !
Wishywater @ @ @ @ @ @ @ program , although she did tell her that the proper name should actually have been “ Be The Best ” .
She asked Melania to name three things that no one knew about her husband .
Melania said that her hubby has a tattoo of his initials on his left ball .
She said that he actually messed up because it really should have been on his right ball , as in Republican .
Melania also divulged that Donald really and truly hates Sean Hannity , but he just uses him to get @ @ @ @ @ @ @ her husband is only 45 % sure that Eric is really his .
Melania revealed that the title of her tell-all book will be “ Melania ’ s Tell-All Book ” .

WASHINGTON, D. C. – With President Trump’s former national security adviser, Michael Bolton; his niece, Mary Trump; his former lawyer and fixer, Michael Cohen; and a White House cook, all writing tell-all books on him, it’s no wonder that First Lady, Melania, has decided to jump on the bandwagon and join the fray.
Tabitha Tula Wishywater with GOPicky Magazine noted there was no one on the face of the earth, who knows Trump better than Melania - not even Stormy Daniels!
Wishywater lauded Melania's “Be Best” program, although she did tell her that the proper name should actually have been “Be The Best”.
She asked Melania to name three things that no one knew about her husband.
Melania said that her hubby has a tattoo of his initials on his left ball.
She said that he actually messed up because it really should have been on his right ball, as in Republican.
Melania also divulged that Donald really and truly hates Sean Hannity, but he just uses him to get all the free publicity.
She said her husband is only 45% sure that Eric is really his.
Melania revealed that the title of her tell-all book will be “Melania’s Tell-All Book”.


thespoof--2020-11-18--Should President Biden Pardon Donald Trump?

No .
No way .
Never .
Nyet .
Nunca .
Non .
Nein , nein , nein !
The next super-conservative criminal elected to the White House will be worse than Donald Trump .
He or she will believe they are totally free to do whatever they wish because they 'll be pardoned after they leave the office .
Just as Joe Biden once upon a time pardoned Donald Trump , they 'll think .
Sure , President Biden would like to get the whole Trump thing over with , swept under the carpet and forgotten .
Hence the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ repeating itself remains .
Therefore , no pardon for Trump .
But don ’ t ask a Spoof political satire writer .
Ask the close-to-250,000 people who died needlessly because of Trump ’ s indifference , ignorance , and negligence .
Ask their relatives who watched them die day after day , after day .
See whether they agree a pardon would be appropriate .
Ask those who survived COVID-19 , including those diagnosed with future respiratory damage and or brain injury .
See how they feel .
When finished with all of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the parents who had their children and infants ripped from their arms , never to be seen again , and condemned to live with the nightmares of what their children may be suffering .
No , no way , never , nyet , nunca , non , nein , nein , nein .
To err is human .
To forgive is divine .
To forgive gives time and history an invitation to repeat itself .
Read more by this author : • Buy A Very British Lesson by K.C .
Bell , at @

Should President Joseph Biden Pardon Donald Trump?
No. No way. Never. Nyet. Nunca. Non. Nein, nein, nein!
The next super-conservative criminal elected to the White House will be worse than Donald Trump. He or she will believe they are totally free to do whatever they wish because they'll be pardoned after they leave the office. Just as Joe Biden once upon a time pardoned Donald Trump, they'll think.
Sure, President Biden would like to get the whole Trump thing over with, swept under the carpet and forgotten. Hence the pardon, but the possibility of history repeating itself remains. Therefore, no pardon for Trump.
But don’t ask a Spoof political satire writer. Ask the close-to-250,000 people who died needlessly because of Trump’s indifference, ignorance, and negligence. Ask their relatives who watched them die day after day, after day. See whether they agree a pardon would be appropriate.
Ask those who survived COVID-19, including those diagnosed with future respiratory damage and or brain injury. See how they feel.
When finished with all of the COVID-19 victims, try to locate the parents who had their children and infants ripped from their arms, never to be seen again, and condemned to live with the nightmares of what their children may be suffering.
No, no way, never, nyet, nunca, non, nein, nein, nein.
To err is human. To forgive is divine.
To forgive gives time and history an invitation to repeat itself.
Read more by this author:


thespoof--2020-11-18--President Trump, The Lame Duck President, Says He's Planning on Invading Iran, Iraq, or Iceland

WASHINGTON , D.C. - ( Satire News ) - A White House insider says that the President hates that everyone knows he 's the biggest loser since Sheriff Joe `` Pinky '' Arapio .
Trump can not stand that he could not cheat his way onto a second term , although he gave it one hell of a try .
But as they say in Holland , cheaters may win once , but , after that , everyone 's got their number ; and Don The Con 's number was `` 0 '' .
According to Eric `` Sneezy '' @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he is now officially known , has been spending at least five hours a day down in his Presidential Bunker , which is equipped with lots of Diet Coke , Big Mac burgers , French Fries , and Hostess Twinkies .
The iNews Agency stated that the soon-to-be ex-president is thinking about invading either Iran , Iraq , or Iceland , so that his base will have something to cheer about .
Melania allegedly told Donaldo to stop acting like a damn , spoiled brat punk , and come to grips with the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ fed up with his 20,000-plus lies .
DJT said that he 's going to take an English class at Trump University , so that he can jump on the bandwagon and write a tell-all-book about himself .
He said that he 'll reveal the real truth about how he learned from a highly reliable source - Scott Baio - that at least 14 million people living in Scotland illegally voted for Joe Biden .

WASHINGTON, D.C. - (Satire News) - A White House insider says that the President hates that everyone knows he's the biggest loser since Sheriff Joe "Pinky" Arapio.
Trump cannot stand that he could not cheat his way onto a second term, although he gave it one hell of a try. But as they say in Holland, cheaters may win once, but, after that, everyone's got their number; and Don The Con's number was "0".
According to Eric "Sneezy" Trump, Melania's husband, as he is now officially known, has been spending at least five hours a day down in his Presidential Bunker, which is equipped with lots of Diet Coke, Big Mac burgers, French Fries, and Hostess Twinkies.
The iNews Agency stated that the soon-to-be ex-president is thinking about invading either Iran, Iraq, or Iceland, so that his base will have something to cheer about.
Melania allegedly told Donaldo to stop acting like a damn, spoiled brat punk, and come to grips with the fact that the American people simply got fed up with his 20,000-plus lies.
DJT said that he's going to take an English class at Trump University, so that he can jump on the bandwagon and write a tell-all-book about himself.
He said that he'll reveal the real truth about how he learned from a highly reliable source - Scott Baio - that at least 14 million people living in Scotland illegally voted for Joe Biden.


thespoof--2020-11-18--President-Elect Joe Biden Says That Within 24-Hours of Taking Office, He'll Undo Every Presidential

President-Elect Joe Biden Says That Within 24-Hours of Taking Office, He'll Undo Every Presidential Executive Order That Trump Enacted

DOVER , Delaware – ( Satire News ) – iRumors is reporting that President-Elect Joe Biden , has been spending @ @ @ @ @ one of the 823,402 Presidential Executive Orders that President Trump signed into law .
The @ @ @ @ @ presidential executive order will be to prohibit Trump from ever again setting foot in Washington @ @ @ @ @ number one priority will be to rid the nation and the world of the dreaded @ @ @ @ @ to eradicate , due to the fact that the bitch was too busy golfing each @ @ @ @ @ President-Elect Biden emphasized that he is going to have the entire White House sprayed with @ @ @ @ @ to man , in order to rid the place of Trump ’ s COVID-19 germs @ @ @ @ @ lingering Big Mac smell .
In other news .
Vox Populi is reporting that Melania @ @ @ @ @ of hearing her husband cry like a little girl every night , that she has @ @ @ @ @ is now sleeping in the Marilyn Monroe Commemorative Bedroom .

DOVER, Delaware – (Satire News) – iRumors is reporting that President-Elect Joe Biden, has been spending countless hours going over each one of the 823,402 Presidential Executive Orders that President Trump signed into law.
The president-elect commented that his first presidential executive order will be to prohibit Trump from ever again setting foot in Washington D.C.
Biden mentioned that his number one priority will be to rid the nation and the world of the dreaded Trumpapalooza virus that Trump failed to eradicate, due to the fact that the bitch was too busy golfing each and every single day.
President-Elect Biden emphasized that he is going to have the entire White House sprayed with the most powerful disinfectant known to man, in order to rid the place of Trump’s COVID-19 germs, as well as that lingering Big Mac smell.
In other news. Vox Populi is reporting that Melania is so sick and tired of hearing her husband cry like a little girl every night, that she has left their bedroom, and is now sleeping in the Marilyn Monroe Commemorative Bedroom.


thespoof--2020-11-18--Reptilian shapeshifter comes forth

Reptilian shapeshifter comes forth

Captain Denzel T Hargreaves is a proud officer in the United States Army .
He is also a shapeshifter .
@ @ @ @ @ moment 's notice , he can transform himself into a fiery reptilian entity .
Captain @ @ @ @ @ n't know how he acquired this ability , but it does disturb his friends and @ @ @ @ @ the scary fiend .
The military officer has refused offers from circuses and trade fairs @ @ @ @ @ has even ignored Hollywood producers wanting to feature him on celluloid .
`` I do @ @ @ @ @ this has brought .
That includes YOU ! ''
he insisted .
Reptilian shapeshifters are @ @ @ @ @ , but to have one live is a bonus .

Captain Denzel T Hargreaves is a proud officer in the United States Army. He is also a shapeshifter. This means, at a moment's notice, he can transform himself into a fiery reptilian entity.
Captain Hargreaves says that he doesn't know how he acquired this ability, but it does disturb his friends and family when he brings out the scary fiend.
The military officer has refused offers from circuses and trade fairs to perform, and he has even ignored Hollywood producers wanting to feature him on celluloid. "I don't like all the attention this has brought. That includes YOU!" he insisted.
Reptilian shapeshifters are usually seen only in comics, but to have one live is a bonus.


thespoof--2020-11-17--Dead Democrats who Voted for Joe Biden Upset as President-Elect Refuses to Include Them in Policy In

Dead Democrats who Voted for Joe Biden Upset as President-Elect Refuses to Include Them in Policy Initiatives

On Saturday , November 7th , Joe Biden was announced as the President-elect for the United States .
After a lengthy and tumultuous week of ballot counting , blue state citizens took to the streets in celebration and red state conspiracy theorists took to the internet to decide just how much of a pedophile is the former Vice President .
That night , Mr. Biden and his VP Kamala Harris took stage in Wilmington , Delaware to give their victory speech .
Biden ’ s speech was laced with pronouncements asking the nation ’ s most divided groups to come @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and find common ground—from democrats to republicans , southerners to northerners , bigots to the LGBTQ+ community , Young Sheldon fans to rational Americans .
On its face , the message seemed all inclusive , providing representation and hope for some of America ’ s most marginalized citizens .
At the end of his speech , the car-parked crowd was treated to a drone light show and a totally rhythmic dance party to Kygo ’ s Steve Winwood-inspired Higher Love .
But one group went ignored .
They were not delivered that message @ @ @ @ @ @ @ efforts were not praised .
There would be no Higher Love for them .
This group is the Dead Democrat Voters of America ( DDVOA ) .
A staple of the Democratic Party since the days of Kennedy , the DDVOA has been instrumental in the party ’ s success , allowing the Dems to continually undermine Republican ideals like fiscal responsibility , individual bootstrapping , and acceptable forms of hate speech .
But surely the President-elect wouldn ’ t continue to forget about the hundreds of thousands of deceased voters who provided @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like Pennsylvania , Georgia , Michigan , and Arizona ( sources : President Trump , Breitbart , Parler , and my irate uncle ) ?
But five days have passed since Wilmington , and while Biden has begun transitional measures that include creating a Covid-19 task force , tapping a transgendered veteran for the Department of Defense , and promising to put forth a proposal to eliminate $ 10,000 in individual student debt , the DDVOA have fallen to the wayside .
To get a firsthand account of the outrage , we met @ @ @ @ @ @ @ medium and cigar purveyor , who promised us a counsel with some of Biden ’ s deceased supporters and a 15 % discount on hand-rolled cigarillos .
After twenty smoke-fueled minutes with the Ouija board , we were finally able to get in touch with Sarah Bethingham , a Montgomery County , PA resident who died of typhoid in 1922 and voted for Joe Biden in 2020 .
“ When [ Biden campaign manager ] Jen O'Malley Dillon first approached me about voting for Biden , I ’ ll be honest , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ when I was asked to vote for Clinton , I was promised two things : access to the internet and basic healthcare , ” said Bethingham , “ Twenty-four years later , I am just getting AOL and my typhoid has somehow only gotten worse .
But , when Dillon said that Biden was going to finally give me the representation I deserve , which included healthcare for my pre-existing condition and Dillon ’ s mother ’ s Netflix account , I thought , ‘ eh , why not ?
I ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ @ @ But here I am , a week later , and I still don ’ t know what happened to Queen Elizabeth.
” It ’ s not unusual for politicians to make sweeping promises with no intention to follow through .
Empty promises are practically the bedrock on which America was founded—just ask the Native Americans .
But , much like watching a group of white people dance to Kygo , there ’ s only so much you can take before you ask the question “ when is enough , enough ?
” “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have promised us that we would finally be able to re-locate , ” said Bernard James , a ghost who is currently stuck haunting The Kennesaw House in Savannah , Georgia that is home to seven hundred other spirits .
“ But then the results come in , and we don ’ t even get a thank you .
I was promised a house by the Chesapeake and Jen O ’ Malley Dillon ’ s godson ’ s HBO Max account , dammit.
” “ It ’ s gerrymandering , plain and simple @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Kennesaw House spirit and former-chairman of the DDVOA .
“ They tell you that you ’ ll be able to finally possess a body and leave , but you can ’ t because , at the end of the day , you only matter if you ’ re in a swing state .
And have you seen Arizona ?
” Despite these accusations , President-elect Biden and his team have been silent on the most pressing issues facing the dead constituency that include : the right to property haunting , the right to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to possession of people , and the right to bear arms .
With the senate run-off in Georgia , however , it ’ s too early to tell if Biden ’ s silence will result in heavy losses for Democratic Senate nominees Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff .
“ I ’ m sick of being used by a system that doesn ’ t care about my health , ” said Michael Valentine , an 18-year-old Civil War veteran buried in Atlanta , Georgia .
“ My PTSD is still being categorized as shellshock @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from the VA in over 140 years .
I need more than promises , I need action.
” As with most national initiatives , the least visible citizens are typically the last to be helped by our democratic process .
On the campaign trail , Biden ’ s message of inclusion was a lynchpin .
But now he has gone silent , and his silence makes you wonder : If we don ’ t take care of our dead citizens , then who will ?

On Saturday, November 7th, Joe Biden was announced as the President-elect for the United States. After a lengthy and tumultuous week of ballot counting, blue state citizens took to the streets in celebration and red state conspiracy theorists took to the internet to decide just how much of a pedophile is the former Vice President. That night, Mr. Biden and his VP Kamala Harris took stage in Wilmington, Delaware to give their victory speech.
Biden’s speech was laced with pronouncements asking the nation’s most divided groups to come together, put aside their differences, and find common ground—from democrats to republicans, southerners to northerners, bigots to the LGBTQ+ community, Young Sheldon fans to rational Americans. On its face, the message seemed all inclusive, providing representation and hope for some of America’s most marginalized citizens. At the end of his speech, the car-parked crowd was treated to a drone light show and a totally rhythmic dance party to Kygo’s Steve Winwood-inspired Higher Love.
But one group went ignored. They were not delivered that message of hope and future security. Their efforts were not praised. There would be no Higher Love for them. This group is the Dead Democrat Voters of America (DDVOA). A staple of the Democratic Party since the days of Kennedy, the DDVOA has been instrumental in the party’s success, allowing the Dems to continually undermine Republican ideals like fiscal responsibility, individual bootstrapping, and acceptable forms of hate speech.
But surely the President-elect wouldn’t continue to forget about the hundreds of thousands of deceased voters who provided him with victories in such key states like Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, and Arizona (sources: President Trump, Breitbart, Parler, and my irate uncle)? But five days have passed since Wilmington, and while Biden has begun transitional measures that include creating a Covid-19 task force, tapping a transgendered veteran for the Department of Defense, and promising to put forth a proposal to eliminate $10,000 in individual student debt, the DDVOA have fallen to the wayside.
To get a firsthand account of the outrage, we met with Ethelinda Esmerelda, a Stanton Island medium and cigar purveyor, who promised us a counsel with some of Biden’s deceased supporters and a 15% discount on hand-rolled cigarillos. After twenty smoke-fueled minutes with the Ouija board, we were finally able to get in touch with Sarah Bethingham, a Montgomery County, PA resident who died of typhoid in 1922 and voted for Joe Biden in 2020.
“When [Biden campaign manager] Jen O'Malley Dillon first approached me about voting for Biden, I’ll be honest, I was against it. In 1996, when I was asked to vote for Clinton, I was promised two things: access to the internet and basic healthcare,” said Bethingham, “Twenty-four years later, I am just getting AOL and my typhoid has somehow only gotten worse. But, when Dillon said that Biden was going to finally give me the representation I deserve, which included healthcare for my pre-existing condition and Dillon’s mother’s Netflix account, I thought, ‘eh, why not? I’ve heard good things about The Crown.’ But here I am, a week later, and I still don’t know what happened to Queen Elizabeth.”
It’s not unusual for politicians to make sweeping promises with no intention to follow through. Empty promises are practically the bedrock on which America was founded—just ask the Native Americans. But, much like watching a group of white people dance to Kygo, there’s only so much you can take before you ask the question “when is enough, enough?”
“For the last ten elections, Democrats have promised us that we would finally be able to re-locate,” said Bernard James, a ghost who is currently stuck haunting The Kennesaw House in Savannah, Georgia that is home to seven hundred other spirits. “But then the results come in, and we don’t even get a thank you. I was promised a house by the Chesapeake and Jen O’Malley Dillon’s godson’s HBO Max account, dammit.”
“It’s gerrymandering, plain and simple,” said Carl Fielder, another Kennesaw House spirit and former-chairman of the DDVOA. “They tell you that you’ll be able to finally possess a body and leave, but you can’t because, at the end of the day, you only matter if you’re in a swing state. And have you seen Arizona?”
Despite these accusations, President-elect Biden and his team have been silent on the most pressing issues facing the dead constituency that include: the right to property haunting, the right to interstate and interdimensional travel, the right to possession of people, and the right to bear arms. With the senate run-off in Georgia, however, it’s too early to tell if Biden’s silence will result in heavy losses for Democratic Senate nominees Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff.
“I’m sick of being used by a system that doesn’t care about my health,” said Michael Valentine, an 18-year-old Civil War veteran buried in Atlanta, Georgia. “My PTSD is still being categorized as shellshock, and I haven’t heard from the VA in over 140 years. I need more than promises, I need action.”
As with most national initiatives, the least visible citizens are typically the last to be helped by our democratic process. On the campaign trail, Biden’s message of inclusion was a lynchpin. But now he has gone silent, and his silence makes you wonder: If we don’t take care of our dead citizens, then who will?


thespoof--2020-11-18--Burger King Abdicates to Carl’s Jr.

Burger King Abdicates to Carl’s Jr.

The Gastro Gazette- ( Satire News ) -- Wikileaks uncovered details concerning a previously unknown sex tape between the Burger King and Ruby Tuesday Thursday , forcing the Burger King to abdicate his burger empire to Carl ’ s Jr. “ It is with great regret that the Burger King agrees to step down in light of recent events , ” said a spokesman for the mute King standing behind him .
According to persons close to the King , it was his wish to consolidate the burger sector under the benevolent rule of Carl ’ s Jr. , rather @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remain unnamed.
” It is common knowledge within the fast food industry , that bad blood between The Clown and The King is more poisonous than their respective special sauces , making reconciliation virtually impossible .
Other contenders to the throne were less than pleased with the announcement , and anticipate Carl ’ s Jr ’ s reign to be “ messy at best.
” Bob ’ s Big Boy had choice words for being passed over , remarking , “ The King ?
Who died and made him Elvis ?
I ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with more experience than all of these clowns , and I wasn ’ t even considered ?
It makes me want to throw my damned burger on the ground and spit on it !
Then I realize that ’ s just business as usual , and get depressed , ” said Bob ’ s Big Boy , who , after all these decades , still despises being called “ Boy ” .
The Burger King ’ s ex-wife , The Dairy Queen , blamed the entire debacle on the King ’ s perpetual @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , he ’ ll let you have it your way…but it ’ s still HIS Whooper , ” said The Queen .
A spokesman for Wendy ’ s concurred with The Dairy Queen ’ s assessment , citing numerous incidents where Wendy awoke to discover the King in her bed .
However , to his credit , at least he brought breakfast .
Other fast food sectors with a history of cooperation and , occasionally , even space-sharing , were less concerned with the change of burger power .
“ Everything runs its @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Taco Bell tolls , it tolls for thee…and usually within a couple of hours , ” mused The Colonel , pointing out a patron rushing to the restroom .
“ I guess it ’ s tolling for him now , ‘ cause he ’ s really running for the border , ” he cackled .
`` Eat more chicken , sucker ! ''
he yelled after the unfortunate man , before being slapped with a lawsuit from Chick-fil-A .
And in military news , Long John Silver was even less interested in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his friendly rivalry with Captain D , regarding who could over-batter the most fish bait .
“ It ’ s a point of profit , not pride , ” said Long John , as he slowly sank into the sea of defunct fast food franchises along with his shipmate .
`` Looks like it 's Davy Jones ' Locker for me , '' he lamented , as he pondered aloud , `` but how in the hell is Jack in the Box still afloat ? ''

The Gastro Gazette- (Satire News)--Wikileaks uncovered details concerning a previously unknown sex tape between the Burger King and Ruby Tuesday Thursday, forcing the Burger King to abdicate his burger empire to Carl’s Jr.
“It is with great regret that the Burger King agrees to step down in light of recent events,” said a spokesman for the mute King standing behind him. According to persons close to the King, it was his wish to consolidate the burger sector under the benevolent rule of Carl’s Jr., rather than the “evil clown who shall remain unnamed.”
It is common knowledge within the fast food industry, that bad blood between The Clown and The King is more poisonous than their respective special sauces, making reconciliation virtually impossible. Other contenders to the throne were less than pleased with the announcement, and anticipate Carl’s Jr’s reign to be “messy at best.”
Bob’s Big Boy had choice words for being passed over, remarking, “The King? Who died and made him Elvis? I’m standing here holding a big burger with more experience than all of these clowns, and I wasn’t even considered? It makes me want to throw my damned burger on the ground and spit on it! Then I realize that’s just business as usual, and get depressed,” said Bob’s Big Boy, who, after all these decades, still despises being called “Boy”.
The Burger King’s ex-wife, The Dairy Queen, blamed the entire debacle on the King’s perpetual indiscretion with his Whooper. “Sure, he’ll let you have it your way…but it’s still HIS Whooper,” said The Queen.
A spokesman for Wendy’s concurred with The Dairy Queen’s assessment, citing numerous incidents where Wendy awoke to discover the King in her bed. However, to his credit, at least he brought breakfast.
Other fast food sectors with a history of cooperation and, occasionally, even space-sharing, were less concerned with the change of burger power.
“Everything runs its course. Ask not for whom the Taco Bell tolls, it tolls for thee…and usually within a couple of hours,” mused The Colonel, pointing out a patron rushing to the restroom. “I guess it’s tolling for him now, ‘cause he’s really running for the border,” he cackled. "Eat more chicken, sucker!" he yelled after the unfortunate man, before being slapped with a lawsuit from Chick-fil-A.
And in military news, Long John Silver was even less interested in the burger empire’s potential collapse than his friendly rivalry with Captain D, regarding who could over-batter the most fish bait. “It’s a point of profit, not pride,” said Long John, as he slowly sank into the sea of defunct fast food franchises along with his shipmate.
"Looks like it's Davy Jones' Locker for me," he lamented, as he pondered aloud, "but how in the hell is Jack in the Box still afloat?"