thespoof--2020-01-07--Golden Globe Goers Complain Vegan Opera Cake a Little Dry

At the 77th Golden Globes awards dinner , guests enjoyed an entirely plant-based feast which included chilled golden beet soup , wild mushroom risotto , and roasted Brussels sprouts , but some attendees reportedly found the dessert , a vegan `` opera cake , '' a little dry .
`` It did n't look that different from regular cake , '' said awards show guest , Holly Richards , `` but once I tasted it , I could tell it was vegan .
Nothing I could put my finger on , but you could just tell it was n't normal @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , agreed .
`` I 'm open to trying new things , but to me , it was a little dry . ''
Hudson 's wife , Lake Belle , said , `` I did n't think it was dry , but I thought the ganache was overly sweet .
I think they have to do that to cover up the taste of the vegan ingredients . ''
Still , overall , most guests seemed to consider the four-course gourmet vegan dinner a culinary - and environmental - success .
`` So what @ @ @ @ @ @ @ exactly like the kind of opera cake I 'm used to ? ''
said Britney O'Neil , who 'd flown in from Bermuda to attend the awards dinner in Los Angeles .
`` I 'm willing to sacrifice if it means helping the environment .
That 's what it 's going to take to save the planet . ''

At the 77th Golden Globes awards dinner, guests enjoyed an entirely plant-based feast which included chilled golden beet soup, wild mushroom risotto, and roasted Brussels sprouts, but some attendees reportedly found the dessert, a vegan "opera cake," a little dry.
"It didn't look that different from regular cake," said awards show guest, Holly Richards, "but once I tasted it, I could tell it was vegan. Nothing I could put my finger on, but you could just tell it wasn't normal."
Fellow guest, Mark Hudson, agreed. "I'm open to trying new things, but to me, it was a little dry."
Hudson's wife, Lake Belle, said, "I didn't think it was dry, but I thought the ganache was overly sweet. I think they have to do that to cover up the taste of the vegan ingredients."
Still, overall, most guests seemed to consider the four-course gourmet vegan dinner a culinary - and environmental - success.
"So what if the opera cake didn't taste exactly like the kind of opera cake I'm used to?" said Britney O'Neil, who'd flown in from Bermuda to attend the awards dinner in Los Angeles. "I'm willing to sacrifice if it means helping the environment. That's what it's going to take to save the planet."


thespoof--2020-01-08--Rogue audio captured of Trump and Pompeo deep inside D.C. bar with major program discussion

The latest whistleblowing comes from an audio tape secreted in a booth deep inside a Washington D.C. bar called “ Club Enobarbus.
” How the specific booth was pinpointed for the listening device is , of course , known only by the CIA and such agencies serving the democracy .
Mr. Trump : Well , I think they don ’ t understand me well enough , Pompey .
Mr. Trump : I ’ m gon na tweet that the US will invade -- and I mean it could be disproportionate -- I will invade the globe at all points which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Mr. Trump : No ifs , ands , or buts , Pompey .
And whoa—did you see that waitress just went by ?
Whoa , I shivered , I tell you .
Mr. Trump : No , Pompey .
Don ’ t interrupt .
Look , it ’ s like with children .
You say Daddy gon na bend you over my knee and give you a whoppin ’ you see , like that , and guess what ?
The kid does what you tell it , which is the right thing to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as I say .
It ’ s as simple as that , isn ’ t it , Pompey ?
Look , the US is still the policeman of the world , and always has been .
Besides , I have an election coming up .
Look , this is what I was told , and haven ’ t you heard everyone besides me ( including a lot of democrats ) saying how bad this guy was ?
I mean he must have been really really bad .
I think .
And if not @ @ @ @ @ @ @ make mistakes , so let ’ s not escalate this situation into something even worse , okay ?
And if I can ’ t hit the historical monuments I ’ ll think of something else .
Trust me .
But thanks for the questions .
I ’ ll get right back on to tweeting after dinner .

The latest whistleblowing comes from an audio tape secreted in a booth deep inside a Washington D.C. bar called “Club Enobarbus.”
How the specific booth was pinpointed for the listening device is, of course, known only by the CIA and such agencies serving the democracy.
Contents of the audio:
Mr. Trump: Well, I think they don’t understand me well enough, Pompey.
Mr. Pompeo: Well--
Mr. Trump: I’m gonna tweet that the US will invade--and I mean it could be disproportionate--I will invade the globe at all points which resist MY policies for world peace.
Mr. Pompeo: Yes, Mr. President but—
Mr. Trump: No ifs, ands, or buts, Pompey. And whoa—did you see that waitress just went by? Whoa, I shivered, I tell you.
Mr. Pompeo: Mr. President—
Mr. Trump: No, Pompey. Don’t interrupt. Look, it’s like with children. You say Daddy gonna bend you over my knee and give you a whoppin’ you see, like that, and guess what? The kid does what you tell it, which is the right thing to do.
Mr. Pompeo: Mr. President, and that is—
Mr. Trump: To do as I say. It’s as simple as that, isn’t it, Pompey?
(Audio breaks down at this point with a thick thizzing noise like the fart of a hornet. Audio returns.)
Mr. Trump:
Look, the US is still the policeman of the world, and always has been.
Besides, I have an election coming up.
Was my language “exterminated” extreme?
Look, this is what I was told, and haven’t you heard everyone besides me (including a lot of democrats) saying how bad this guy was? I mean he must have been really really bad. I think.
And if not, well, hell, we all make mistakes, so let’s not escalate this situation into something even worse, okay?
And if I can’t hit the historical monuments I’ll think of something else. Trust me.
But thanks for the questions. I’ll get right back on to tweeting after dinner.
(The farting hornet sound comes back on.)


thespoof--2020-01-08--Nashville Man Narrowly Escapes Emotional Enmeshnent

When the woman he 'd been casually seeing for several weeks suddenly , out of nowhere , proposed getting together somewhere outside of his house , Brett Crowley of Nashville , Tennessee , immediately recognized the suggestion for what it was : an invitation to become emotionally enmeshed - which he firmly declined .
`` 'No , thank you ' is what I said , but internally I was bolting for the hills , '' said Crowley of the codependency that his casual friend , Callie , had evidently been plotting to thrust upon him .
`` I 've done @ @ @ @ @ @ @ myself to a clingy , love-addicted girlfriend .
Again , no , thank you . ''
Crowley explained that , in recent years , through a great deal of therapy and self-help YouTube videos , he 's successfully differentiated himself from his dysfunctional family system .
And he 's all too aware of the traps that less-differentiated individuals , like Callie , often lay to lure more evolved personalities into backsliding into enmeshment .
`` She '' s kind of a sweetheart , and I admit , I was tempted for a quick @ @ @ @ @ @ @ say screw my independence , let 's go on a f***ing real date , '' said Crowley .
`` But only for a minute .
I 've come to value myself too much to fall for that line of sick thinking again . ''
According to Crowley , Callie seemed to take the news in stride , and has already begun seeing someone else - and Crowley himself has n't looked back .
`` They can have fun smothering each other , '' he said .
`` Me , I 've got a @ @ @ @ @

When the woman he'd been casually seeing for several weeks suddenly, out of nowhere, proposed getting together somewhere outside of his house, Brett Crowley of Nashville, Tennessee, immediately recognized the suggestion for what it was: an invitation to become emotionally enmeshed - which he firmly declined.
"'No, thank you' is what I said, but internally I was bolting for the hills," said Crowley of the codependency that his casual friend, Callie, had evidently been plotting to thrust upon him. "I've done too much work on myself to lose myself to a clingy, love-addicted girlfriend. Again, no, thank you."
Crowley explained that, in recent years, through a great deal of therapy and self-help YouTube videos, he's successfully differentiated himself from his dysfunctional family system. And he's all too aware of the traps that less-differentiated individuals, like Callie, often lay to lure more evolved personalities into backsliding into enmeshment.
"She''s kind of a sweetheart, and I admit, I was tempted for a quick minute there to go all in and say screw my independence, let's go on a f***ing real date," said Crowley. "But only for a minute. I've come to value myself too much to fall for that line of sick thinking again."
According to Crowley, Callie seemed to take the news in stride, and has already begun seeing someone else - and Crowley himself hasn't looked back.
"They can have fun smothering each other," he said. "Me, I've got a life to live."


thespoof--2020-01-08--Benefit Concert in Tehran backfires

Benefit Concert in Tehran backfires

Planned as a peace mission , a benefit concert hastily organized by stars from the world of music and theater got a mixed reception from the exclusively female audience at a huge barn on the outskirts of Tehran yesterday .
`` We want peace with Iran '' , screamed the Boss , Bruce Spingsteen , to 50,000 Iranian women , all draped in burqas and hijab garb .
The first song , Born in the USA , got a modest reception , while Sia 's rendition of John Denver 's legendary Country Roads generated at least a hint of movement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sporting pink undies and a blue veil sang her hit , Party in the USA , and was subsequently arrested for 'not having enough on ' .
Most women had a bag with them , and the reason became clear when Bruno Mars stormed onto the scene .
Hijabs , niqabs and what appeared to be lingerie items were tossed onto the stage , accompanied by the traditional ululation , the high-pitched tongue trill women of the region let out in public when excited .
Mars found it all too initimidating and withdrew @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Magic from memory : a forgettable experience .
This was followed by 20 minutes of bizarre confusion .
Jennifer Aniston and Uma Thurman explained the # MeToo movement to the ladies , who clearly understood little .
`` We 're all the same '' , lied Aniston to a sea of black fabric .
`` We can help you if you 've been harassed by Harvey Weinstein . ''
No response , other than that Thurman was arrested for 'being too tall ' .
And so , on to the final act .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ LIfe was breathed into the barn , the audience shook and swayed and sang along to 'Like a virgin.. ' .
Again from memory .
Madonna was also subsequently arrested for 'not having enough on ' .
In a final show of common understanding , the President of Iran , Hassan Rohani , and the Speaker of the US House of Representatives , Nancy Pelosi , walked arm in arm on stage .
Rohani spoke for two hours , and then sent everyone home , while Pelosi was arrested for 'being too thin @ @ @ @ @ @ @ concert is planned at the same venue for January 2045 .
Oh well ...

Planned as a peace mission, a benefit concert hastily organized by stars from the world of music and theater got a mixed reception from the exclusively female audience at a huge barn on the outskirts of Tehran yesterday.
"We want peace with Iran", screamed the Boss, Bruce Spingsteen, to 50,000 Iranian women, all draped in burqas and hijab garb.
The first song, Born in the USA, got a modest reception, while Sia's rendition of John Denver's legendary Country Roads generated at least a hint of movement from the crowd. Miley Cirus, sporting pink undies and a blue veil sang her hit, Party in the USA, and was subsequently arrested for 'not having enough on'.
Most women had a bag with them, and the reason became clear when Bruno Mars stormed onto the scene. Hijabs, niqabs and what appeared to be lingerie items were tossed onto the stage, accompanied by the traditional ululation, the high-pitched tongue trill women of the region let out in public when excited. Mars found it all too initimidating and withdrew backstage while the crowd sang 24 Carat Magic from memory: a forgettable experience.
This was followed by 20 minutes of bizarre confusion. Jennifer Aniston and Uma Thurman explained the #MeToo movement to the ladies, who clearly understood little. "We're all the same", lied Aniston to a sea of black fabric. "We can help you if you've been harassed by Harvey Weinstein." No response, other than that Thurman was arrested for 'being too tall'.
And so, on to the final act. Madonna. At last, rapport. LIfe was breathed into the barn, the audience shook and swayed and sang along to 'Like a virgin..'. Again from memory. Madonna was also subsequently arrested for 'not having enough on'.
In a final show of common understanding, the President of Iran, Hassan Rohani, and the Speaker of the US House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, walked arm in arm on stage. Rohani spoke for two hours, and then sent everyone home, while Pelosi was arrested for 'being too thin'.
Iranian sources confirmed that another concert is planned at the same venue for January 2045.
Oh well...


thespoof--2020-01-09--Nashville Man Successfully Articulates a Feeling

Uncertain what to do about a physical sensation in his chest that seemed to resemble an emotion , Trenton Locke of Nashville , Tennessee , took a stab at articulating the apparent feeling - to great effect .
`` I told the woman I was dating that I was a little nervous around her , maybe because it had been so long since I 'd met someone I was attracted to , and also enjoyed talking to . ''
According to Locke - and much to his surprise - the woman , Candace Steppe , really seem to get where @ @ @ @ @ @ @ told me it was really no big deal , which I appreciated , '' said Locke .
Now that Locke has learned to open up , he plans to continue to occasionally express his feelings when he 's otherwise at an absolute loss as to what to do .
`` I wo n't do it willy-nilly , of course , but it 's good to have in my back pocket .
Kind of a last resort , when all else fails . ''
On her part , Candace says that she does n't @ @ @ @ @ @ @ much , as long as he 's not too over-the-top with the feelings thing .
`` Everything in moderation .
I think that 's the most important aspect to remember .
We do n't want anyone to get hurt . ''

Uncertain what to do about a physical sensation in his chest that seemed to resemble an emotion, Trenton Locke of Nashville, Tennessee, took a stab at articulating the apparent feeling - to great effect.
"I told the woman I was dating that I was a little nervous around her, maybe because it had been so long since I'd met someone I was attracted to, and also enjoyed talking to."
According to Locke - and much to his surprise - the woman, Candace Steppe, really seem to get where he was coming from. "She told me it was really no big deal, which I appreciated," said Locke.
Now that Locke has learned to open up, he plans to continue to occasionally express his feelings when he's otherwise at an absolute loss as to what to do. "I won't do it willy-nilly, of course, but it's good to have in my back pocket. Kind of a last resort, when all else fails."
On her part, Candace says that she doesn't mind dating an emotional man too terribly much, as long as he's not too over-the-top with the feelings thing. "Everything in moderation. I think that's the most important aspect to remember. We don't want anyone to get hurt."


thespoof--2020-01-10--Crotchless Aliens Already Here Say NASA Scientists

BILLINGSGATE POST : Confirmation that aliens already have landed on Earth and may have been here for years , has been announced by NASA scientists .
In the January edition of NASA ’ s respected journal “ Get Outa My Space , ” a picture of one these critters made front page news .
For many years , rumors of spacecraft sightings by Navy aviators has been splashed on tabloid pages .
Reports of these disk-shaped ships hovering over populated areas of the USA became routine .
The drivers of these aircraft were described as “ Gomers ” by some @ @ @ @ @ @ @ out of their spacecraft cockpits .
“ Gomer ” was in reference to Gomer Pyle , U.S.M.C.
, played by actor Jim Nabors .
They were also described as geeky ambiverts with antennae by USN Commander Fleming over cocktails .
“ Reminds me of the Gomers driving the MIG-21s back in Nam , ” said the introspective veteran .
“ Sum bitches had no genitalia , as far as I could see .
Crotchless bastards from another world , ” said the Commander .
“ Legs were like infinitesimal parallelograms .
Two snakes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Slim : “ I once dated a crotchless gal from Oklahoma .
Longest legs I ever saw.
” Dirty : “ Yo , Dude .
Perhaps you should stick to Pygmy dwarfs .
”

BILLINGSGATE POST: Confirmation that aliens already have landed on Earth and may have been here for years, has been announced by NASA scientists. In the January edition of NASA’s respected journal “Get Outa My Space,” a picture of one these critters made front page news.
For many years, rumors of spacecraft sightings by Navy aviators has been splashed on tabloid pages. Reports of these disk-shaped ships hovering over populated areas of the USA became routine. The drivers of these aircraft were described as “Gomers” by some Navy pilots, who observed them peering out of their spacecraft cockpits. “Gomer” was in reference to Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C., played by actor Jim Nabors.
They were also described as geeky ambiverts with antennae by USN Commander Fleming over cocktails.
“Reminds me of the Gomers driving the MIG-21s back in Nam,” said the introspective veteran.
“Sum bitches had no genitalia, as far as I could see. Crotchless bastards from another world,” said the Commander. “Legs were like infinitesimal parallelograms. Two snakes with one head and no torso.”
Slim: “I once dated a crotchless gal from Oklahoma. Longest legs I ever saw.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Perhaps you should stick to Pygmy dwarfs.”


thespoof--2020-01-10--Senator Subliminal Seeks the Truth

Senator Subliminal Seeks the Truth

Senator Hatchett : Prof. Hill , let me preface my questioning by telling you how much I—and my colleagues—admire you for your courage and forthwrongness in coming before this Judiciary Committee today .
Sexual harassment is a very serious charge—one that we ( except Packwood ) in the Senate do not take lightly !
But you are making these charges against a good man ( good buddy ) whom I have known for over fifteen years , a man who may someday ( God willing ) sit on the Supreme Court and render decisions that may affect the lives of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what I ’ m saying ?
Senator Hatchett : Now , Prof. Hill , not to disparage your ( questionable ) character , but an acquaintance of Judge Thomas ’ s , Mr. Dogleg , implies that you spent a lot of time fantasizing about having—I can ’ t really bring myself to say it—se .
.
.
se .
.
.sex with other men ?
Prof. Hill : Senator Hatchett , Mr. Dogleg has no more evidence for assuming I ’ m a fantasizer than I , for example , have in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Senator Hatchett : My personal life is not the issue here , Prof. Hill—yours and Clarence Thomas ’ s is .
But to continue , this ( very reputable ) lawyer , Mr. Dogleg , maintains that at a party you attended , you came on to him and then later ( hussie ! )
complained to him because he didn ’ t return your affections .
What do you have to say about this ?
Prof. Hill : My affections were never his to return , Senator .
I don ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ bizarre story .
Maybe after years of chasing ambulances , he got hit by one .
Or maybe this story is a delusional fantasy of Mr. Dogleg ’ s .
Senator Hatchett : Men can have delusional fantasies ?
( Confers a minute with the senator next to him , shakes his head . )
Hmmm .
Well , Prof. Hill , to return to my line of questioning : Where were you on the night of April 23 , 1986 ?
Prof. Hill : I have no idea , Senator .
It @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sticks out in my mind .
Senator Hatchett : And could the reason you don ’ t remember be that on April 23 , 1986 , you were watching The Sexorcist and fantasizing about the ( sleazy and tawdry ) details of a story you would some day use to bring down this ( exemplary and brilliant ) human being , Judge Clarence Thomas , who—by the way—pulled himself up by his bootstraps ?
Prof. Hill : I don ’ t think so , Senator Hatchett .
Maybe Senator Liden knocked you on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ his gavel .
Or maybe this idea is just a delusional fantasy of yours ?
Senator Hatchett : Liar !
Perjurer !
Senator Liden did not hit me twice on the head with his gavel—he only hit me once !
And men don ’ t fantasize about sex .
Men fantasize about football , and beer ( or so Kavanaugh tells me ) , and long , unkempt beards—but not se .
.
.
se .
.
.
( spits it out ) sex !
Prof. Hill : Sure Senator .
Go on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Perjurer !
Hussie !
Delusional fantasist !
I know you ’ re part of a liberal conspiracy to undermine what ’ s best about America—like the Super Bowl , the Baconator , and Old Glory !
I thought you came here to present a legitimate complaint—that this man , Clarence Thomas ( who , you ’ ll remember , pulled himself up from this bootstraps ) sexually harassed you when you worked for him at E. E. O. C. But that ’ s not true , you liberal witch !
( Now Senator @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and then spews green stuff in the direction of Prof .
Hill . )
It ’ s you—and people like you—who will someday consign this great country of ours to the ash heap of history .
Burn her !
Burn her !
Burn her !

(The following is an alternative history of the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings in 1991.)
Senator Hatchett: Prof. Hill, let me preface my questioning by telling you how much I—and my colleagues—admire you for your courage and forthwrongness in coming before this Judiciary Committee today. Sexual harassment is a very serious charge—one that we (except Packwood) in the Senate do not take lightly! But you are making these charges against a good man (good buddy) whom I have known for over fifteen years, a man who may someday (God willing) sit on the Supreme Court and render decisions that may affect the lives of millions of women. Do you understand what I’m saying?
Prof. Hill: Yes, Senator, I do.
Senator Hatchett: Now, Prof. Hill, not to disparage your (questionable) character, but an acquaintance of Judge Thomas’s, Mr. Dogleg, implies that you spent a lot of time fantasizing about having—I can’t really bring myself to say it—se . . . se . . .sex with other men?
Prof. Hill: Senator Hatchett, Mr. Dogleg has no more evidence for assuming I’m a fantasizer than I, for example, have in assuming you have sex with barnyard animals.
Senator Hatchett: My personal life is not the issue here, Prof. Hill—yours and Clarence Thomas’s is. But to continue, this (very reputable) lawyer, Mr. Dogleg, maintains that at a party you attended, you came on to him and then later (hussie!) complained to him because he didn’t return your affections. What do you have to say about this?
Prof. Hill: My affections were never his to return, Senator. I don’t know where Mr. Dogleg got this bizarre story. Maybe after years of chasing ambulances, he got hit by one. Or maybe this story is a delusional fantasy of Mr. Dogleg’s.
Senator Hatchett: Men can have delusional fantasies? (Confers a minute with the senator next to him, shakes his head.) Hmmm. Well, Prof. Hill, to return to my line of questioning: Where were you on the night of April 23, 1986?
Prof. Hill: I have no idea, Senator. It’s not a night that particularly sticks out in my mind.
Senator Hatchett: And could the reason you don’t remember be that on April 23, 1986, you were watching The Sexorcist and fantasizing about the (sleazy and tawdry) details of a story you would some day use to bring down this (exemplary and brilliant) human being, Judge Clarence Thomas, who—by the way—pulled himself up by his bootstraps?
Prof. Hill: I don’t think so, Senator Hatchett. Maybe Senator Liden knocked you on the head a couple of times with his gavel. Or maybe this idea is just a delusional fantasy of yours?
Senator Hatchett: Liar! Perjurer! Senator Liden did not hit me twice on the head with his gavel—he only hit me once! And men don’t fantasize about sex. Men fantasize about football, and beer (or so Kavanaugh tells me), and long, unkempt beards—but not se . . . se . . . (spits it out) sex!
Prof. Hill: Sure Senator. Go on with your fantasy.
Senator Hatchett: Perjurer! Hussie! Delusional fantasist! I know you’re part of a liberal conspiracy to undermine what’s best about America—like the Super Bowl, the Baconator, and Old Glory! I thought you came here to present a legitimate complaint—that this man, Clarence Thomas (who, you’ll remember, pulled himself up from this bootstraps) sexually harassed you when you worked for him at E. E. O. C. But that’s not true, you liberal witch! (Now Senator Hatchett’s head spins completely around and then spews green stuff in the direction of Prof. Hill.) It’s you—and people like you—who will someday consign this great country of ours to the ash heap of history. Burn her! Burn her! Burn her!


thespoof--2020-01-10--Nashville Woman Dresses to Impress on Casual Fridays

While some of her coworkers might give her odd looks when she shows up in a fitted blouse and business skirt on casual Fridays at the office , Lara Revolinski has a plan in mind .
`` Dress for the job you want , not the job you have , '' is the motto adopted by Revolinski , who has her eye set on a supervisory position at the call center where she works in downtown Nashville , Tennessee .
`` I 'm being noticed , and that 's what it takes to get ahead in the professional arena .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ unintended - incident of dressing beyond the call of professional duty occurred when she failed to notice a pre-Thanskgiving email from Human Resources informing employees that the office dress code had been downgraded to `` casual '' for the entire holiday week .
When she appeared in her standard neutral-colored business wear while everyone else was wearing jeans , she saw her superiors take note .
`` Just in the way they looked at me , I could tell that they were seeing me with more respect , '' said Revolinksi .
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ momentum . ''
It was at that point that Revolinksi instituted her own personal policy of wearing business attire every day , including `` casual '' Fridays .
And , by all indications , her plan to dress her way to success seems to be working .
At her most recent annual review , Revolinksi received a two-plus-percent raise , along with assurances that she would be eligible to apply for a supervisory position after she finished out her two-year probationary period at the call center .
`` Some might call it manipulative @ @ @ @ @ @ @ appearance , '' said Revolinksi .
`` But these days , you have to be willing to use everything - and to think outside the box . ''
When asked to share his professional opinion , Revolinski 's boss , Matt Jackson , had nothing but positive things to say about Revolinski .
`` Lara is a diligent worker .
Even though she works remotely , she always goes the extra mile .
It 's the behind-the-scenes people like her who keep this place running smoothly .
She 's very much an asset @ @ @ @ @

While some of her coworkers might give her odd looks when she shows up in a fitted blouse and business skirt on casual Fridays at the office, Lara Revolinski has a plan in mind.
"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have," is the motto adopted by Revolinski, who has her eye set on a supervisory position at the call center where she works in downtown Nashville, Tennessee. "I'm being noticed, and that's what it takes to get ahead in the professional arena."
Revolinksi explained that her first - unintended - incident of dressing beyond the call of professional duty occurred when she failed to notice a pre-Thanskgiving email from Human Resources informing employees that the office dress code had been downgraded to "casual" for the entire holiday week. When she appeared in her standard neutral-colored business wear while everyone else was wearing jeans, she saw her superiors take note.
"Just in the way they looked at me, I could tell that they were seeing me with more respect," said Revolinksi. "I didn't want to lose that momentum."
It was at that point that Revolinksi instituted her own personal policy of wearing business attire every day, including "casual" Fridays.
And, by all indications, her plan to dress her way to success seems to be working. At her most recent annual review, Revolinksi received a two-plus-percent raise, along with assurances that she would be eligible to apply for a supervisory position after she finished out her two-year probationary period at the call center.
"Some might call it manipulative of me to get ahead using my appearance," said Revolinksi. "But these days, you have to be willing to use everything - and to think outside the box."
When asked to share his professional opinion, Revolinski's boss, Matt Jackson, had nothing but positive things to say about Revolinski. "Lara is a diligent worker. Even though she works remotely, she always goes the extra mile. It's the behind-the-scenes people like her who keep this place running smoothly. She's very much an asset to the team."


thespoof--2020-01-10--Ricky Gervais Invited to Host MAGA Rally, but Quickly Removed After Calling Trump Crowd "Boorish Hal

Ricky Gervais Invited to Host MAGA Rally, but Quickly Removed After Calling Trump Crowd "Boorish Halfwits"

Washington - British comic roaster Ricky Gervais , fresh from another appearance in front of a Golden Globes ceremony in which he once again insulted the `` Hollywood elite '' , was recently invited by grateful supporters of the President , who assumed he must therefore be part of their cult of Trump worship , to host and deliver the opening monologue at a rally in Louisville , Kentucky .
Gervais , who has hosted the Golden Globes five times , has made a habit of insulting various attendees including actors , studio moguls and others in the film industry @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and again by the good natured but nervous guests .
Assuming that the Trump devotees would want to have a little fun at their own expense and that of the POTUS , Gervais launched into his opening comments referring to the crowd as `` boorish halfwits who must have just caught the bus from Walmart '' .
Turning around and facing the gallery of red-hatted supporters standing in back of the stage , he said `` well , what have we here ?
Any guess what the average IQ of this bunch is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' .
At this point , many in the crowd began shouting `` lock him up '' .
`` Hey , here 's a good one , '' continued the comic .
`` What do a good economy , a little mushroom dick and a real estate fortune have in common ?
All were inherited by Donald Trump '' .
At this point , security personnel removed the Emmy Award-winning comedian from the stage .
`` I thought this dude was one of us , '' said one attendee who had witnessed Gervais @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the Golden Globes , apparently unaware that he also regularly pokes fun at Trump .

Washington - British comic roaster Ricky Gervais, fresh from another appearance in front of a Golden Globes ceremony in which he once again insulted the "Hollywood elite", was recently invited by grateful supporters of the President, who assumed he must therefore be part of their cult of Trump worship, to host and deliver the opening monologue at a rally in Louisville, Kentucky.
Gervais, who has hosted the Golden Globes five times, has made a habit of insulting various attendees including actors, studio moguls and others in the film industry, but has been invited back again and again by the good natured but nervous guests.
Assuming that the Trump devotees would want to have a little fun at their own expense and that of the POTUS, Gervais launched into his opening comments referring to the crowd as "boorish halfwits who must have just caught the bus from Walmart".
Turning around and facing the gallery of red-hatted supporters standing in back of the stage, he said "well, what have we here? Any guess what the average IQ of this bunch is? I'm guessing around a 5". At this point, many in the crowd began shouting "lock him up".
"Hey, here's a good one," continued the comic. "What do a good economy, a little mushroom dick and a real estate fortune have in common? All were inherited by Donald Trump".
At this point, security personnel removed the Emmy Award-winning comedian from the stage.
"I thought this dude was one of us," said one attendee who had witnessed Gervais' takedown of the Hollywood establishment at the Golden Globes, apparently unaware that he also regularly pokes fun at Trump.


thespoof--2020-01-10--Guys Saving Tens of Millions in Taxes Annually Say Those Saving Shit Should Worship Them

Washington - Donald Trump and Sean Hannity , two guys with net worth of hundreds of millions to billions , @ @ @ @ @ millions in taxes by helping to push through legislation to reduce corporate and personal tax @ @ @ @ @ It has been the only significant piece of legislation passed by the GOP administration , @ @ @ @ @ savings have caused the national debt to soar approximately 1 trillion per year , which @ @ @ @ @ dealt with by everyone in the country , even those not really saving anything on @ @ @ @ @ road , similar to the climate crisis .
Predictably , Trump and Hannity insist that @ @ @ @ @ to be `` enemies of the people '' and `` socialist whack jobs '' .
@ @ @ @ @ of many working class people by promising to stop immigration , even though those supporters @ @ @ @ @ amassing of wealth by their worshipped leaders .

Washington - Donald Trump and Sean Hannity, two guys with net worth of hundreds of millions to billions, have saved themselves tens of millions in taxes by helping to push through legislation to reduce corporate and personal tax rates and inheritance taxes. It has been the only significant piece of legislation passed by the GOP administration, Senate and House.
The savings have caused the national debt to soar approximately 1 trillion per year, which will eventually need to be dealt with by everyone in the country, even those not really saving anything on their taxes, down the road, similar to the climate crisis.
Predictably, Trump and Hannity insist that anyone opposed to their largesse to be "enemies of the people" and "socialist whack jobs". And they have earned support of many working class people by promising to stop immigration, even though those supporters are paying dearly for the amassing of wealth by their worshipped leaders.


thespoof--2020-01-11--Woman Sees Through Ex’s Love Avoidant Behavior

Unfooled by his failure to respond to her text messages , emails , and phone calls , Shannon Reese of Nashville , Tennessee , was able to see her ex-boyfriend Josh ’ s love avoidant behavior for what it actually was : a plea for deeper intimacy .
“ He ’ s like a little boy , terrified of being abandoned , ” said Reese .
“ On some level , he thinks that 's what he deserves .
But I ’ m not going to do that to him.
” Reese explained that she , herself , had to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of denial about her own codependency - only to find that now that she ’ s whole , some men are intimidated by her self-actualization .
“ They ’ re drawn to it because they admire it , but it also scares them that I don ’ t need them to be complete .
Which makes it difficult for them to trust that I wo n't just go away . ''
It is for that reason , noted Reese , that some men , like Josh , become love avoidants and intentionally sabotage @ @ @ @ @ @ @ preempt the anticipated hurt .
“ But really they ’ re longing for a more intimate connection .
They just can ’ t quite believe that they won ’ t be betrayed.
” Fortunately , having encountered the love avoidant type before , Reese knows exactly how best to handle the troubled dynamic with Josh .
“ At this stage of the relationship , he just needs to know that I ’ m here for him .
And that I ’ m not going anywhere.
” To that end , Reese continues to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ communication methods , and she 'd also begun frequenting his local hangouts , in order to additionally bolster him with her physical presence .
And her efforts seem to be paying off ; after months of ignoring ( at least overtly ) her overtures , Josh finally responded with a message of his own .
`` He told me to leave him alone , '' said Reese , `` which I found so poignant .
Like a little boy telling his mother who 's leaving for work that he hates her , when @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 's leaving .
I can tell it 's finally starting to sink in for him that what we have is n't just false promises and fluff .
It 's the real deal . ''
She smiled and shook her head .
`` Relationships are challenging , but at the end of the day , it 's worth it .
What else have we got but love ? ''

Unfooled by his failure to respond to her text messages, emails, and phone calls, Shannon Reese of Nashville, Tennessee, was able to see her ex-boyfriend Josh’s love avoidant behavior for what it actually was: a plea for deeper intimacy.
“He’s like a little boy, terrified of being abandoned,” said Reese. “On some level, he thinks that's what he deserves. But I’m not going to do that to him.”
Reese explained that she, herself, had to work long and hard to get out of denial about her own codependency - only to find that now that she’s whole, some men are intimidated by her self-actualization. “They’re drawn to it because they admire it, but it also scares them that I don’t need them to be complete. Which makes it difficult for them to trust that I won't just go away."
It is for that reason, noted Reese, that some men, like Josh, become love avoidants and intentionally sabotage their significant relationships, so as to preempt the anticipated hurt. “But really they’re longing for a more intimate connection. They just can’t quite believe that they won’t be betrayed.”
Fortunately, having encountered the love avoidant type before, Reese knows exactly how best to handle the troubled dynamic with Josh. “At this stage of the relationship, he just needs to know that I’m here for him. And that I’m not going anywhere.”
To that end, Reese continues to consistently reassure Josh through a variety of communication methods, and she'd also begun frequenting his local hangouts, in order to additionally bolster him with her physical presence. And her efforts seem to be paying off; after months of ignoring (at least overtly) her overtures, Josh finally responded with a message of his own.
"He told me to leave him alone," said Reese, "which I found so poignant. Like a little boy telling his mother who's leaving for work that he hates her, when really what he hates is that she's leaving. I can tell it's finally starting to sink in for him that what we have isn't just false promises and fluff. It's the real deal."
She smiled and shook her head. "Relationships are challenging, but at the end of the day, it's worth it. What else have we got but love?"


thespoof--2020-01-12--Donald Trump Jr. to Take Break from Killing Endangered Animals to Join Iran Battle

Washington - Self-described “ Tough as Nails ” Rambo wannabe , Donald Trump Jr. , will take a hiatus from @ @ @ @ @ groups into the wilds and executing endangered animal species with high powered weapons , in @ @ @ @ @ troops into battle against the Iranian enemy .
Trump , who was able to sell @ @ @ @ @ his book “ Triggered ” , most bought by Daddy ’ s organizations , is @ @ @ @ @ , having led an entourage into Mongolia in order to execute a rare ... ..sheep @ @ @ @ @ been speculated , suffers from a condition inherited from his father called “ little mushroom @ @ @ @ @ by Stormy Daniels .
Possession of military-style weapons has been prescribed by doctors to provide @ @ @ @ @ .
Details of Junior ’ s upcoming trip to Iraq were not provided .

Washington - Self-described “Tough as Nails” Rambo wannabe, Donald Trump Jr., will take a hiatus from his hunting trips, leading groups into the wilds and executing endangered animal species with high powered weapons, in order to bravely lead U.S. troops into battle against the Iranian enemy.
Trump, who was able to sell a few thousand copies of his book “Triggered”, most bought by Daddy’s organizations, is on a roll of success, having led an entourage into Mongolia in order to execute a rare.....sheep.
Junior, it has been speculated, suffers from a condition inherited from his father called “little mushroom dick”, so named by Stormy Daniels. Possession of military-style weapons has been prescribed by doctors to provide a mental boost to Trump.
Details of Junior’s upcoming trip to Iraq were not provided.


thespoof--2020-01-12--Burned-Out And Profoundly Alcoholic Technical Writer Slowly Ascending Into Heaven After Being Kicked

Burned-Out And Profoundly Alcoholic Technical Writer Slowly Ascending Into Heaven After Being Kicked In The Chest By A Horse During Wedding Party Brought Back Down To Earth By God-Damn EMT

Iowa .
Although he was peacefully ascending into the bright light of euphoric bliss in the uppermost stretches of the Universe , Gerald Wall , 48 , was pulled back down to the cold , harsh , and unforgiving world , last Thursday , by Emergency Medical Technician , Jill Harper , 37 , who continually prides herself on saving the man 's life .
Despite the fact that the burned-out and jaded soul was screaming and crying at her to stop using CPR as well as other advanced medical procedures designed to keep his heart moving and his lungs @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hard as she possibly could in order to achieve her professional goals .
`` Hey ! ''
and `` It 's nice to have you back ! ''
were words that were not appreciated by Gerald , who had previously spent numerous hours getting really drunk in a sincere effort to tolerate the happiness of two people who had found true companionship , and who had felt the need to invite him to their pointless celebration on a horse ranch .
Unable to fathom what it actually feels like to be a single @ @ @ @ @ @ @ has to continually engineer grammar for complicated manuals that nobody will ever read , Jill successfully brought Gerald 's spirit back into his body right as he was about to be welcomed into the arms of beautiful angels preparing to open up the Gates of Heaven .
`` Welcome home and stay with us , beloved one ! ''
and `` Shit , I need to get this guy back , otherwise I 'll get fired '' were two conflicting things that Gerald heard , as his soul was slowly elevating towards the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ above the very stars themselves .
Racked with severe physical pain , bleeding profusely from the mouth , and occasionally coughing out chunks of his own internal organs , Mr. Wall thanked Jill for stopping the very essence of his being from entering the Brilliant Light of a Universal Palace filled with understanding , warmth , and unconditional acceptance .
`` I 'm so glad she did that .
It was a pure miracle , '' Mr. Wall stated while drooling all over himself .
`` I 've been given a second chance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ n't wait to go back to my empty apartment so that I can continue to construct well-written corporate disclaimer statements while watching love movies and crying , '' he added , as doctors pushed several tubes into his aching , broken , and partially-crippled body .

Iowa. Although he was peacefully ascending into the bright light of euphoric bliss in the uppermost stretches of the Universe, Gerald Wall, 48, was pulled back down to the cold, harsh, and unforgiving world, last Thursday, by Emergency Medical Technician, Jill Harper, 37, who continually prides herself on saving the man's life.
Despite the fact that the burned-out and jaded soul was screaming and crying at her to stop using CPR as well as other advanced medical procedures designed to keep his heart moving and his lungs working, the god-damn EMT worked as hard as she possibly could in order to achieve her professional goals.
"Hey!" and "It's nice to have you back!" were words that were not appreciated by Gerald, who had previously spent numerous hours getting really drunk in a sincere effort to tolerate the happiness of two people who had found true companionship, and who had felt the need to invite him to their pointless celebration on a horse ranch.
Unable to fathom what it actually feels like to be a single, middle-aged, unloved technical writer who has to continually engineer grammar for complicated manuals that nobody will ever read, Jill successfully brought Gerald's spirit back into his body right as he was about to be welcomed into the arms of beautiful angels preparing to open up the Gates of Heaven.
"Welcome home and stay with us, beloved one!" and "Shit, I need to get this guy back, otherwise I'll get fired" were two conflicting things that Gerald heard, as his soul was slowly elevating towards the Throne Room of Creation that resides far above the very stars themselves.
Racked with severe physical pain, bleeding profusely from the mouth, and occasionally coughing out chunks of his own internal organs, Mr. Wall thanked Jill for stopping the very essence of his being from entering the Brilliant Light of a Universal Palace filled with understanding, warmth, and unconditional acceptance.
"I'm so glad she did that. It was a pure miracle," Mr. Wall stated while drooling all over himself.
"I've been given a second chance at life, and I simply can't wait to go back to my empty apartment so that I can continue to construct well-written corporate disclaimer statements while watching love movies and crying," he added, as doctors pushed several tubes into his aching, broken, and partially-crippled body.


thespoof--2020-01-12--Kindergartener Expelled for Saying "Maclunkey" to Classmate

Ever since Disney+ became active with a re-released and slightly edited version of the original Star Wars movie , A New Hope , the word “ Maclunkey ” has become the topic of intense discussion , debate , and emotional turmoil .
Suddenly , in the ever-changing scene in which Han Solo shoots Greedo , Greedo utters the word , “ Maclunkey ” before getting shot .
Unlike with the rest of Greedo ’ s Huttese language , “ Maclunkey ” doesn ’ t come with a subtitle to translate it into English .
So , viewers are open to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Some astute viewers , however , may have been alerted to the fact that the term “ Maclunkey ” has previously appeared in the Star Wars universe .
In The Phantom Menace , on Tattooine , Sebulba , the Huttese speaking character competing with Anakin in the pod race says “ Maclunkey ” to Anakin , implying “ This will be the end of you.
” Thus , Greedo saying such to Han Solo justifies the self-defense aspect of Han Solo shooting Greedo .
What may justify Han Solo , however , has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Calamari Elementary School in Cleveland , Ohio into some hot water .
To protect the innocent , the two boys involved in this incident will be given pseudonyms , for the purpose of this article .
According to expert eye-witness testimony ( kindergarten girls ) the incident began when six-year-old class bully Darth Pickle aggressively pushed five-year-old classmate Jango Porkins to the floor , completely unprovoked .
Darth continued to pound on Jango , with a wooden block .
Their teacher , Mrs. Beru Organa quickly separated the boys and admonished Darth Pickle @ @ @ @ @ @ @ started it !
” At that , Jango got up from the floor , glared at Darth Pickle and proclaimed , “ Maclunkey !
” The word fazed no one at the time , but when Darth Pickle went home and reported his fabricated version of the incident to his own uptight mother , Ms. Pickle , she filed a complaint with the school board , the superintendent , the principal , the teacher , the local police department , the department of children and families , and the department of better homes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ made a death threat against her precious sweet and innocent child Darth Pickle , who can do no wrong , despite what according to Ms. Pickle those “ little ( expletive deleted ) s who all have a crush on Jango Porkins claimed about my child .
I hope their parents spank them all hard for maligning my boy , and for being such little ( expletive deleted ) s !
” Under the extreme legal pressure put on by Ms. Pickle , the school caved and decided that expelling Jango Porkins would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whole ugly incident go away .
When asked for commentary , Jango Porkins claimed , “ I was calling my friend Weequay Maclunkey to help me.
” For legal reasons , we can neither confirm nor deny whether such a person is in the class , but according to our ace reporters ( more kindergarten girls ) , he sits between Nien Ackbar and Yoda Calrissian .

Ever since Disney+ became active with a re-released and slightly edited version of the original Star Wars movie, A New Hope, the word “Maclunkey” has become the topic of intense discussion, debate, and emotional turmoil. Suddenly, in the ever-changing scene in which Han Solo shoots Greedo, Greedo utters the word, “Maclunkey” before getting shot. Unlike with the rest of Greedo’s Huttese language, “Maclunkey” doesn’t come with a subtitle to translate it into English. So, viewers are open to interpreting the term as they will.
Some astute viewers, however, may have been alerted to the fact that the term “Maclunkey” has previously appeared in the Star Wars universe. In The Phantom Menace, on Tattooine, Sebulba, the Huttese speaking character competing with Anakin in the pod race says “Maclunkey” to Anakin, implying “This will be the end of you.” Thus, Greedo saying such to Han Solo justifies the self-defense aspect of Han Solo shooting Greedo.
What may justify Han Solo, however, has landed a five year old kindergartener at Calamari Elementary School in Cleveland, Ohio into some hot water. To protect the innocent, the two boys involved in this incident will be given pseudonyms, for the purpose of this article. According to expert eye-witness testimony (kindergarten girls) the incident began when six-year-old class bully Darth Pickle aggressively pushed five-year-old classmate Jango Porkins to the floor, completely unprovoked. Darth continued to pound on Jango, with a wooden block. Their teacher, Mrs. Beru Organa quickly separated the boys and admonished Darth Pickle. Darth Pickle whined, “He started it!”
At that, Jango got up from the floor, glared at Darth Pickle and proclaimed, “Maclunkey!”
The word fazed no one at the time, but when Darth Pickle went home and reported his fabricated version of the incident to his own uptight mother, Ms. Pickle, she filed a complaint with the school board, the superintendent, the principal, the teacher, the local police department, the department of children and families, and the department of better homes and gardens, alleging that Jango Porkins made a death threat against her precious sweet and innocent child Darth Pickle, who can do no wrong, despite what according to Ms. Pickle those “little (expletive deleted)s who all have a crush on Jango Porkins claimed about my child. I hope their parents spank them all hard for maligning my boy, and for being such little (expletive deleted)s!”
Under the extreme legal pressure put on by Ms. Pickle, the school caved and decided that expelling Jango Porkins would be the best way to make this whole ugly incident go away. When asked for commentary, Jango Porkins claimed, “I was calling my friend Weequay Maclunkey to help me.” For legal reasons, we can neither confirm nor deny whether such a person is in the class, but according to our ace reporters (more kindergarten girls), he sits between Nien Ackbar and Yoda Calrissian.


thespoof--2020-01-12--Nashville Man Reaches Compromise with Reality

After decades of pushing for better pay and overall conditions , Mike Chapman of Nashville , Tennessee , finally reached an acceptable compromise with reality .
“ Kind of a laissez faire approach , ” said Chapman .
“ I don ’ t bother it , and it doesn ’ t bother me .
I would have liked to get more favorable terms , but we both finally realized that an atmosphere of mutual respect was as good as it was going to get . ''
As Chapman explained it , for most of his life , he had sought @ @ @ @ @ @ @ it more pleasant , more palatable , and generally more meaningful .
“ All to no avail .
You can ’ t change someone who doesn ’ t want to change , and boy , reality was – and still is – pretty entrenched in its ways .
I was only trying to help , but it was intent on continuing on its own course.
” In exchange for his promise to forgo trying to change it , reality has agreed to stop shoving itself in Chapman ’ s face all the time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s there , and I won ’ t make it try to go away , '' said Chapman , `` but I 'm no longer obligated to engage with it all the time .
We can each do our own thing.
” Since reaching this long-in-coming compromise with reality , Chapman says that life in general has gone more smoothly , if not always positively .
“ There are fewer bumps in the road – but sometimes that road is straight downhill .
So it goes.
” At the end of the day @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feels comfortable with the ceasefire with reality .
“ There ’ s no point being constantly at war with anything .
Quite honestly , it was reality that ended up dictating all the terms of the settlement .
But even if I did n't emerge victorious , at least I made it out intact .
That 's something . ''

After decades of pushing for better pay and overall conditions, Mike Chapman of Nashville, Tennessee, finally reached an acceptable compromise with reality.
“Kind of a laissez faire approach,” said Chapman. “I don’t bother it, and it doesn’t bother me. I would have liked to get more favorable terms, but we both finally realized that an atmosphere of mutual respect was as good as it was going to get."
As Chapman explained it, for most of his life, he had sought to improve upon reality – to make it more pleasant, more palatable, and generally more meaningful. “All to no avail. You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change, and boy, reality was – and still is – pretty entrenched in its ways. I was only trying to help, but it was intent on continuing on its own course.”
In exchange for his promise to forgo trying to change it, reality has agreed to stop shoving itself in Chapman’s face all the time. “I know that it’s there, and I won’t make it try to go away," said Chapman, "but I'm no longer obligated to engage with it all the time. We can each do our own thing.”
Since reaching this long-in-coming compromise with reality, Chapman says that life in general has gone more smoothly, if not always positively. “There are fewer bumps in the road – but sometimes that road is straight downhill. So it goes.”
At the end of the day, however, Chapman says that he feels comfortable with the ceasefire with reality. “There’s no point being constantly at war with anything. Quite honestly, it was reality that ended up dictating all the terms of the settlement. But even if I didn't emerge victorious, at least I made it out intact. That's something."


thespoof--2020-01-13--Woman's Extroversion Given Away By Fact that She Never Stops Talking

At a work meeting during which she scarcely paused for breath between sentences , Erin Barnett mentioned that she tends to be extroverted – a quality that some of her colleagues had already gleaned from the fact that she never stops talking .
“ Yeah , she ’ s mentioned the extrovert thing probably a few dozen times , ” said coworker Scott Jones .
“ I stopped listening after like the eighteenth time .
I know that ’ s bad.
” Another coworker , Kevin Belmont , stated , “ I was n't sure what an ‘ extrovert ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ think I ’ ve pretty much figured it out .
It 's someone who never shuts up , right ? ''
He added , `` Don ’ t get me wrong , though , she ’ s great .
Never at a loss for words , that ’ s for sure.
” Fellow colleague Lisa Cannon , agreed .
“ She ’ s awesome to hang out with when I ’ m in a funk and don ’ t feel like talking , because with her , I know I won ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ couldn ’ t if I wanted to .
And even if I did want to , it wouldn ’ t be with her .
So our dynamic really works . ''
Aware of her extraordinary verbal abilities , Barnett herself makes a point of not overshadowing the dimmer lights in the room .
“ There ’ s room for everyone in a workplace .
Introverts have a lot to offer .
I genuinely believe that.
” When Cannon tried to comment , Barnett cut her off .
“ No , seriously , no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s nothing wrong with being a quiet type .
No one should ever feel bad about being who they are . ''
Cannon grinned .
“ See what I mean ?
She never disappoints.
” Barnett gave her colleague 's shoulders a playful squeeze .
“ You ’ re so sweet .
I hate that you ’ re always overlooked .
Let 's do something about that . ''

At a work meeting during which she scarcely paused for breath between sentences, Erin Barnett mentioned that she tends to be extroverted – a quality that some of her colleagues had already gleaned from the fact that she never stops talking.
“Yeah, she’s mentioned the extrovert thing probably a few dozen times,” said coworker Scott Jones. “I stopped listening after like the eighteenth time. I know that’s bad.”
Another coworker, Kevin Belmont, stated, “I wasn't sure what an ‘extrovert’ even was, but from Erin I think I’ve pretty much figured it out. It's someone who never shuts up, right?"
He added, "Don’t get me wrong, though, she’s great. Never at a loss for words, that’s for sure.”
Fellow colleague Lisa Cannon, agreed. “She’s awesome to hang out with when I’m in a funk and don’t feel like talking, because with her, I know I won’t have to – in fact, I couldn’t if I wanted to. And even if I did want to, it wouldn’t be with her. So our dynamic really works."
Aware of her extraordinary verbal abilities, Barnett herself makes a point of not overshadowing the dimmer lights in the room. “There’s room for everyone in a workplace. Introverts have a lot to offer. I genuinely believe that.”
When Cannon tried to comment, Barnett cut her off. “No, seriously, no matter what anyone says, there’s nothing wrong with being a quiet type. No one should ever feel bad about being who they are."
Cannon grinned. “See what I mean? She never disappoints.”
Barnett gave her colleague's shoulders a playful squeeze. “You’re so sweet. I hate that you’re always overlooked. Let's do something about that."


thespoof--2020-01-13--Bolton: Spoof Was Right! Quid Pro Quo Was Just a Drug Deal

Washington , D.C. John Bolton , former national security adviser to President Donald Trump , today acknowledged that The Spoof @ @ @ @ @ several weeks ago , it reported that the president had offered to sell to his @ @ @ @ @ , some marijuana .
`` The whole Ukrainian negotiation , involving the so-called 'gang of @ @ @ @ @ 's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani , and numerous ambassadors , was nothing but a drug @ @ @ @ @ because so many people were involved .
Had Trump done it by himself , he @ @ @ @ @ . ''
Bolton noted that `` When The Spoof literally translated 'quid pro quo ' @ @ @ @ @ you 100 pence for an ounce of marijuana ' the satirical news website had it @ @ @ @ @ about holding up military aid to Ukraine was just a cover to hide the real @ @ @ @ @ . ''

Washington, D.C. John Bolton, former national security adviser to President Donald Trump, today acknowledged that The Spoof had it right when, several weeks ago, it reported that the president had offered to sell to his Ukrainian counterpart, President Zelensky, some marijuana.
"The whole Ukrainian negotiation, involving the so-called 'gang of three,' the president's personal attorney Rudy Giuliani, and numerous ambassadors, was nothing but a drug deal. It went sour because so many people were involved. Had Trump done it by himself, he could have pulled it off."
Bolton noted that "When The Spoof literally translated 'quid pro quo' as 'I'll give you 100 pence for an ounce of marijuana' the satirical news website had it right. All that hullabaloo about holding up military aid to Ukraine was just a cover to hide the real intent to sell Zelensky marijuana."


thespoof--2020-01-14--Nashville Woman Doesn’t Miss Ex Much at All

“ It ’ s so funny how seldom I think about him , ” said Maria Marlowe of Nashville , Tennessee , regarding Finn O'Connell , a man she dated for about two months , with whom she recently broke up .
“ It occurs to me all the time how he almost never even crosses my mind .
Even though it 's only been a few weeks , I ’ m pretty much totally over it.
” According to Maria , her breakup with 28-year-old Finn , 14 years her junior , was completely amicable .
“ It was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ never going to work out .
We knew that from the get-go , and we enjoyed our connection for what it was , until it naturally ran its course .
It all happened very organically .
No big deal.
” She laughed and added , “ To be totally honest , I was actually relieved when it was officially over .
We knew we were living on borrowed time.
” Maria noted that even when she drives past Finn ’ s house or visits the places the two of them used to go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I was super into him , and part of me wondered if losing him might totally rock me .
Not even close , though .
It ’ s encouraging to see how resilient I am.
” So resilient , in fact , that it was a breeze for her to delete their thousand-plus text conversations from her phone .
“ I feel lighter now .
Sure , we had some great chats , but I have great chats with a lot of people .
And I will again .
Again , no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ given it a second thought.
” Resilient though she may be , Maria made a point of emphasizing that she is far from cold-hearted .
“ I still wish him the best . ''
And while some of her friends have accused her of mildly cyber-stalking her ex , Maria laughed off such assertions .
“ It ’ s not stalking to follow a band .
Finn ’ s band just released a new album , and it kicks ass .
I ’ d be obsessed with it even if he and I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ All in all , while she doesn ’ t give Finn himself much thought , Maria deeply values all that she learned from their time together .
“ My main takeaway is that no matter how attracted you are to someone and how special your connection seems , it doesn ’ t mean that life won ’ t go on just fine after they ’ re gone .
It ’ s freeing to see that my happiness doesn ’ t depend on any one person .
I ’ m whole and complete on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wonderful feeling .
”

“It’s so funny how seldom I think about him,” said Maria Marlowe of Nashville, Tennessee, regarding Finn O'Connell, a man she dated for about two months, with whom she recently broke up. “It occurs to me all the time how he almost never even crosses my mind. Even though it's only been a few weeks, I’m pretty much totally over it.”
According to Maria, her breakup with 28-year-old Finn, 14 years her junior, was completely amicable. “It was just one of those situations that was never going to work out. We knew that from the get-go, and we enjoyed our connection for what it was, until it naturally ran its course. It all happened very organically. No big deal.”
She laughed and added, “To be totally honest, I was actually relieved when it was officially over. We knew we were living on borrowed time.”
Maria noted that even when she drives past Finn’s house or visits the places the two of them used to go together, her equanimity rarely wavers. “I was super into him, and part of me wondered if losing him might totally rock me. Not even close, though. It’s encouraging to see how resilient I am.”
So resilient, in fact, that it was a breeze for her to delete their thousand-plus text conversations from her phone. “I feel lighter now. Sure, we had some great chats, but I have great chats with a lot of people. And I will again. Again, no big deal. I haven’t given it a second thought.”
Resilient though she may be, Maria made a point of emphasizing that she is far from cold-hearted. “I still wish him the best."
And while some of her friends have accused her of mildly cyber-stalking her ex, Maria laughed off such assertions. “It’s not stalking to follow a band. Finn’s band just released a new album, and it kicks ass. I’d be obsessed with it even if he and I didn’t have a history.”
All in all, while she doesn’t give Finn himself much thought, Maria deeply values all that she learned from their time together. “My main takeaway is that no matter how attracted you are to someone and how special your connection seems, it doesn’t mean that life won’t go on just fine after they’re gone. It’s freeing to see that my happiness doesn’t depend on any one person. I’m whole and complete on my own. It’s a wonderful feeling.”


thespoof--2020-01-15--Nashville Man Rallies After Disappointing Trip to Grocery Store

Geared up to stock up on wholesome foods and fulfill his New Year ’ s intention of caring for his body in the way that it deserves , Nate Rudowski of Nashville , Tennessee , popped into his local Kroger grocery store , only to have a disappointing food-shopping experience .
“ Sure , I got some basics , ” he said .
“ Baby carrots , broccoli , sweet potatoes , that sort of thing – but no real deals.
” According to Rudowski , he ’ d been hoping that something would “ jump out at him ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a new idea for an innovative healthy recipe or to try some exotic new fruit .
At the very least , he ’ d hoped to pick up a bargain or two , possibly on mushrooms or berries .
`` No such luck , though , '' he reported .
`` No sales . ''
Because Rudowski was financially secure enough to purchase what he absolutely needed at regular prices , he did not suffer any significant practical detriment as a result of his uninspiring grocery run – but neither did he experience @ @ @ @ @ @ @ counting on to take him to the next level nutritionally .
“ It ’ s not about the money , ” he explained .
“ It ’ s about wanting to feel that the universe is on your side , supporting you in your aim to live a better life .
I didn ’ t get that .
In fact , the price of almond milk had actually gone up , almost making me feel that the universe was conspiring against me . ''
He chuckled and added , “ But I know @ @ @ @ @ @ @ these things personally.
” Fortunately , since that ill-fated Kroger trip , Rudowski has rallied , both physically and emotionally .
“ It helped me see that I ’ m the one who needs to be accountable for my food choices .
Sure , it ’ s great if outside forces happen to align and nudge me in the right direction , but at the end of the day , it 's me who needs to make healthy eating happen .
And I saw that I can do that , regardless of outside @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” He smiled and patted himself on the shoulder .
“ It ’ s all about self-love , man .
That ’ s all you need – and fortunately , that ’ s exactly what I ’ ve got .
So I 'm good .
”

Geared up to stock up on wholesome foods and fulfill his New Year’s intention of caring for his body in the way that it deserves, Nate Rudowski of Nashville, Tennessee, popped into his local Kroger grocery store, only to have a disappointing food-shopping experience.
“Sure, I got some basics,” he said. “Baby carrots, broccoli, sweet potatoes, that sort of thing – but no real deals.”
According to Rudowski, he’d been hoping that something would “jump out at him” at the supermarket, inspiring him with a new idea for an innovative healthy recipe or to try some exotic new fruit. At the very least, he’d hoped to pick up a bargain or two, possibly on mushrooms or berries. "No such luck, though," he reported. "No sales."
Because Rudowski was financially secure enough to purchase what he absolutely needed at regular prices, he did not suffer any significant practical detriment as a result of his uninspiring grocery run – but neither did he experience the emotional boost he’d been counting on to take him to the next level nutritionally.
“It’s not about the money,” he explained. “It’s about wanting to feel that the universe is on your side, supporting you in your aim to live a better life. I didn’t get that. In fact, the price of almond milk had actually gone up, almost making me feel that the universe was conspiring against me."
He chuckled and added, “But I know there’s no point in taking these things personally.”
Fortunately, since that ill-fated Kroger trip, Rudowski has rallied, both physically and emotionally. “It helped me see that I’m the one who needs to be accountable for my food choices. Sure, it’s great if outside forces happen to align and nudge me in the right direction, but at the end of the day, it's me who needs to make healthy eating happen. And I saw that I can do that, regardless of outside circumstances. That power is in me.”
He smiled and patted himself on the shoulder. “It’s all about self-love, man. That’s all you need – and fortunately, that’s exactly what I’ve got. So I'm good.”


thespoof--2020-01-16--Leaked Pentagon report shows senior US Government staff don't know the difference between Iran and I

Leaked Pentagon report shows senior US Government staff don't know the difference between Iran and Iraq

A shocking report leaked today details the confusion at the Pentagon over who they 're fighting with .
As tensions @ @ @ @ @ continue to rise , it has been uncovered that most of the senior military and @ @ @ @ @ sure what country they 're fighting with , or worse , did n't realize that @ @ @ @ @ different countries .
One unnamed general was quoted as saying : `` Hell , I @ @ @ @ @ place , and Iran was the English version of Iraq . ''
Former President George @ @ @ @ @ in saying he was confused about it as well , and that it was actually @ @ @ @ @ 's that he spent years in Iraq looking for .
As tensions rise , the @ @ @ @ @ that it 's fairly important they know which is which , and the leaked report @ @ @ @ @ sixth grade geography teacher to be an advisor on any potential upcoming military action .
@ @ @ @ @ emerge .

A shocking report leaked today details the confusion at the Pentagon over who they're fighting with. As tensions between the US and Iran continue to rise, it has been uncovered that most of the senior military and government staff either aren't sure what country they're fighting with, or worse, didn't realize that Iran and Iraq were two different countries. One unnamed general was quoted as saying: " Hell, I thought it was the same place, and Iran was the English version of Iraq."
Former President George W. Bush has even chimed in saying he was confused about it as well, and that it was actually Iran that had the WMD's that he spent years in Iraq looking for.
As tensions rise, the Government has come to realize that it's fairly important they know which is which, and the leaked report says they have hired a sixth grade geography teacher to be an advisor on any potential upcoming military action.
More to come as details emerge.


thespoof--2020-01-17--Donald Trump Impeachment Hearing Latest

Donald Trump Impeachment Hearing Latest

After the latest news broke this morning about the one hundred lawmakers of the US Senate being sworn in on Thursday as jurors for the impending impeachment trial of President Donald Trump , TheSpoof.com has decided to provide readers unfamiliar with the case a two-minute breakdown of the facts .
President Donald Trump is only the third president in US to have been impeached .
Three other US presidents have impeachment before him — Andrew Johnson in 1868 and Bill Clinton in 1998 were both impeached , but Richard Nixon resigned before he could be impeached in 1974 .
Interestingly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to have faced impeachment had three things in common : - they were all serving presidents - they were all men - their surnames all ended with the two letters 'on' President Trump is accused of colluding with Russia over something , having a Russian prostitute urinate on him , encouraging Americans to become racist , wearing a red baseball cap in public , tweeting like a maniac , and to have obstructed justice by having telephone conversations with President Zelensky of Ukraine .
Both President Trump and President Zelensky are comedians .

After the latest news broke this morning about the one hundred lawmakers of the US Senate being sworn in on Thursday as jurors for the impending impeachment trial of President Donald Trump, TheSpoof.com has decided to provide readers unfamiliar with the case a two-minute breakdown of the facts.
President Donald Trump is only the third president in US to have been impeached.
Three other US presidents have faced impeachment before him — Andrew Johnson in 1868 and Bill Clinton in 1998 were both impeached, but Richard Nixon resigned before he could be impeached in 1974.
Interestingly, all three of those previous presidents to have faced impeachment had three things in common:
- they were all serving presidents
- they were all men
- their surnames all ended with the two letters 'on'
President Trump is accused of colluding with Russia over something, having a Russian prostitute urinate on him, encouraging Americans to become racist, wearing a red baseball cap in public, tweeting like a maniac, and to have obstructed justice by having telephone conversations with President Zelensky of Ukraine.
Both President Trump and President Zelensky are comedians.


thespoof--2020-01-17--Nashville Man Sinks like a Stone into Black Sea of Depression

“ I ’ ve never been to Eastern Europe , but I ’ ve definitely experienced the Black Sea , ” said Darren Davis of Nashville , Tennessee , regarding his recent drop into the depths of depression .
“ Unless you ’ ve got some hardcore deep-sea diving experience , I would not necessarily recommend it.
” As Davis explained it , his plummet into despair didn ’ t exactly catch him off guard .
“ I ’ d been flirting with hopelessness for a long time , ” he said .
“ It was fun for a while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that this was no game.
” According to Davis , after some touch-and-go instances of pleasant melancholy , along with a few bipolar episodes , the heavy weight of despair got hold of him and dragged him down to the bottom of the Black Sea .
“ On the plus side , '' he noted , `` I hadn ’ t known much about marine life before this .
It ’ s a whole other world down there.
” And serendipitously , his involuntary dive to the bottom of the Black Sea did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I have pretty good lung capacity , which served me well , '' he said .
`` I ’ m a runner.
” Ultimately , however , it was a dolphin who saved Davis from drowning in his own pool of misery .
“ He saw I was in distress and nudged me back up to the surface with his cute little bottle nose .
Dolphins are the best.
” And these days , says Davis , it ’ s the very thought of dolphins that keeps him from getting too down @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and sweet , and also brave , ” he said .
“ I really admire them.
” Despite his narrow escape , Davis is not ruling out another dive into the blackness of sorrow .
“ It definitely took my mind off more mundane problems .
Plus , I , of course , enjoyed interacting with the dolphin .
So I ’ m not exactly seeking it out , but it wouldn ’ t be the worst thing ever to end up back in the murky depths .
I ’ ll just see @ @ @ @ @

“I’ve never been to Eastern Europe, but I’ve definitely experienced the Black Sea,” said Darren Davis of Nashville, Tennessee, regarding his recent drop into the depths of depression. “Unless you’ve got some hardcore deep-sea diving experience, I would not necessarily recommend it.”
As Davis explained it, his plummet into despair didn’t exactly catch him off guard. “I’d been flirting with hopelessness for a long time,” he said. “It was fun for a while. But I didn’t realize that this was no game.”
According to Davis, after some touch-and-go instances of pleasant melancholy, along with a few bipolar episodes, the heavy weight of despair got hold of him and dragged him down to the bottom of the Black Sea. “On the plus side," he noted, "I hadn’t known much about marine life before this. It’s a whole other world down there.”
And serendipitously, his involuntary dive to the bottom of the Black Sea did not result in Davis's death. “I have pretty good lung capacity, which served me well," he said. "I’m a runner.”
Ultimately, however, it was a dolphin who saved Davis from drowning in his own pool of misery. “He saw I was in distress and nudged me back up to the surface with his cute little bottle nose. Dolphins are the best.”
And these days, says Davis, it’s the very thought of dolphins that keeps him from getting too down. “They’re so cute and sweet, and also brave,” he said. “I really admire them.”
Despite his narrow escape, Davis is not ruling out another dive into the blackness of sorrow. “It definitely took my mind off more mundane problems. Plus, I, of course, enjoyed interacting with the dolphin. So I’m not exactly seeking it out, but it wouldn’t be the worst thing ever to end up back in the murky depths. I’ll just see how it goes.”


thespoof--2020-01-16--Donald Trump reacts to new evidence against him from Giuliano’s associate with SPECTACULAR new defen

Donald Trump reacts to new evidence against him from Giuliano’s associate with SPECTACULAR new defence

US President Donald Trump , who is facing an impeachment trial in the Senate over allegations that he improperly pushed Ukraine to investigate respected Senator Joe Biden , is facing a new hurdle , namely an associate of his own lawyer Rudy Giuliani , has given damning written testimony that Trump knew exactly what he was doing .
This contradicts Giuliani ’ s own evidence that Trump was “ completely innocent ” .
The associate , who has not been named , has allegedly produced tapes incriminating the President .
The President is accused of threatening to withhold military assistance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ prosecute Senator Biden and his son for crookedness .
However , it is believed that Trump acted spitefully out of a desire to harm the only Democrat contender for the White House whom he fears .
While the GOP holds a majority of seats in the Senate , and it is unlikely that the Democrats could muster the two-thirds majority they need to find the President guilty , there have been fears in the Republican party that the new evidence could persuade some honest Senators in their party to vote in accordance with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whitewash a President from their own party .
However , Trump ’ s advisors have pulled a rabbit out of the hat .
They will rely on the defence of stupidity , namely that the President was too stupid to have known what he was talking about .
It is widely accepted that the 73-year old President has difficulty speaking and writing English , hence his use of pre-school phrases , short sentences and poor or no sentence structure .
While he can articulate monosyllabic words like “ good ” or “ bad @ @ @ @ @ @ @ may not truly understand them , and he certainly doesn ’ t understand complex words like “ intelligent ” or “ untruthful ” .
The stupidity defence , along with the defence of attorney-client privilege , could keep Trump out of prison and in the Oval Office , at least until the end of this year .

US President Donald Trump, who is facing an impeachment trial in the Senate over allegations that he improperly pushed Ukraine to investigate respected Senator Joe Biden, is facing a new hurdle, namely an associate of his own lawyer Rudy Giuliani, has given damning written testimony that Trump knew exactly what he was doing. This contradicts Giuliani’s own evidence that Trump was “completely innocent”. The associate, who has not been named, has allegedly produced tapes incriminating the President.
The President is accused of threatening to withhold military assistance from Ukraine unless its President agreed to prosecute Senator Biden and his son for crookedness. However, it is believed that Trump acted spitefully out of a desire to harm the only Democrat contender for the White House whom he fears.
While the GOP holds a majority of seats in the Senate, and it is unlikely that the Democrats could muster the two-thirds majority they need to find the President guilty, there have been fears in the Republican party that the new evidence could persuade some honest Senators in their party to vote in accordance with the evidence, rather than to simply whitewash a President from their own party.
However, Trump’s advisors have pulled a rabbit out of the hat. They will rely on the defence of stupidity, namely that the President was too stupid to have known what he was talking about.
It is widely accepted that the 73-year old President has difficulty speaking and writing English, hence his use of pre-school phrases, short sentences and poor or no sentence structure. While he can articulate monosyllabic words like “good” or “bad”, it is thought that he may not truly understand them, and he certainly doesn’t understand complex words like “intelligent” or “untruthful”.
The stupidity defence, along with the defence of attorney-client privilege, could keep Trump out of prison and in the Oval Office, at least until the end of this year.


thespoof--2020-01-16--Nashville Man Successfully Incorporates "Vis-a-vis" into Regular Conversation

In an effort to enhance his professional polish and , in his own words , not come across as such a dumbass , Cameron Wells of Nashville , Tennessee , began incorporating the term `` vis-à-vis '' into his regular conversation , to outstanding effect .
`` Sure , you can say 'about , ' '' noted Wells , `` but it has no flare .
'Vis-à-vis ' turns heads . ''
As a result of fully implementing his new policy vis-à-vis vis-à-vis , Wells now has conversations with coworkers vis-à-vis budget , remote work policies , casual Friday dress @ @ @ @ @ @ @ football team .
`` What an amazing season it 's been for them , '' he remarked .
`` Did you know that vis-à-vis nutrition , a lot of them are plant-based ? ''
By all accounts , Wells 's focus on fine-tuning his verbiage has paid off - and rubbed off - in spades .
`` I have nothing but good things to say vis-à-vis Cameron , '' said Wells 's boss , Logan Perry .
`` It 's something I ca n't quite put my finger on , but vis-à-vis the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , it 's off the charts . ''
And in his personal life , too , `` vis-à-vis '' has smoothed Wells 's formerly troubled relations with his girlfriend , Lisa Cook .
`` It 's funny , '' she mused .
`` In some ways , nothing 's changed , but at the same time , I feel a new respect vis-à-vis how he communicates with me .
It 's refreshing . ''
Overall , Wells says that his experience vis-à-vis vis-à-vis has given him a new appreciation for the impact of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ man , '' he said , declining to comment in more depth .
`` Enough said vis-à-vis that . ''

In an effort to enhance his professional polish and, in his own words, not come across as such a dumbass, Cameron Wells of Nashville, Tennessee, began incorporating the term "vis-à-vis" into his regular conversation, to outstanding effect.
"Sure, you can say 'about,'" noted Wells, "but it has no flare. 'Vis-à-vis' turns heads."
As a result of fully implementing his new policy vis-à-vis vis-à-vis, Wells now has conversations with coworkers vis-à-vis budget, remote work policies, casual Friday dress code, and even the Nashville Titans football team. "What an amazing season it's been for them," he remarked. "Did you know that vis-à-vis nutrition, a lot of them are plant-based?"
By all accounts, Wells's focus on fine-tuning his verbiage has paid off - and rubbed off - in spades. "I have nothing but good things to say vis-à-vis Cameron," said Wells's boss, Logan Perry. "It's something I can't quite put my finger on, but vis-à-vis the level of confidence he tends to inspire, it's off the charts."
And in his personal life, too, "vis-à-vis" has smoothed Wells's formerly troubled relations with his girlfriend, Lisa Cook. "It's funny," she mused. "In some ways, nothing's changed, but at the same time, I feel a new respect vis-à-vis how he communicates with me. It's refreshing."
Overall, Wells says that his experience vis-à-vis vis-à-vis has given him a new appreciation for the impact of language. "Words are powerful, man," he said, declining to comment in more depth. "Enough said vis-à-vis that."


thespoof--2020-01-18--Pregnant Pause Gives Birth to Kitten

Pregnant Pause Gives Birth to Kitten

Following an extended period of uncomfortable silence , a pregnant pause gave birth to a kitten .
`` It was really something to see , '' sad onlooker Susan Harris .
`` First one pause , then four paws .
So cute ! ''
Harris noted that she had been tempted to break the awkward stretch of silence with some friendly banter , but in hindsight , she is glad that allowed the pregnant pause to linger and come to fruition .
`` In hindsight , It makes total sense that it felt uncomfortable .
Someone was about to go @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the newborn kitten , Jesse , is doing well , and , in addition to making many adorable noises of his own , is the subject of many oohs and ahs of delight .
That being said , Harris says that her experience with giving the pregnant pause some space has given her a new appreciation for the power of quiet .
`` It just goes to show , there 's no need to be talking , talking , talking all the time , '' she said .
`` We should all @ @ @ @ @ @ @ wonderful fruit - and in some instances , a kitten ! ''

Following an extended period of uncomfortable silence, a pregnant pause gave birth to a kitten.
"It was really something to see," sad onlooker Susan Harris. "First one pause, then four paws. So cute!"
Harris noted that she had been tempted to break the awkward stretch of silence with some friendly banter, but in hindsight, she is glad that allowed the pregnant pause to linger and come to fruition. "In hindsight, It makes total sense that it felt uncomfortable. Someone was about to go into labor!"
By all reports, the newborn kitten, Jesse, is doing well, and, in addition to making many adorable noises of his own, is the subject of many oohs and ahs of delight. That being said, Harris says that her experience with giving the pregnant pause some space has given her a new appreciation for the power of quiet.
"It just goes to show, there's no need to be talking, talking, talking all the time," she said. "We should all bear in mind that silence can bear wonderful fruit - and in some instances, a kitten!"


thespoof--2020-01-18--Sexually-Active, Open-Minded, Extremist Liberal Supporters Of #METOO Movement And WOKE Upset By 'Tox

Sexually-Active, Open-Minded, Extremist Liberal Supporters Of #METOO Movement And WOKE Upset By 'Toxic Masculinity' And 'Lack Of Diversity' In World War 1 Documentary

California .
Outraged and ready to fight to the bitter end to make sure that 'equal representation ' is manifested in all aspects of society , a group of sexually-active ( and open-minded ) extremist liberal supporters of the # METOO Movement and WOKE staged a massive protest , last Tuesday , around the administration building of Epididymis University in response to a World War 1 documentary that was pulled out by Professor Dick Johnson earlier in December .
Upset and highly offended that the footage only showed young , white males living in mud-filled trenches , marching `` over @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in barbed wire before being torn into pieces by relentless machine gun fire , the protestors demanded ( in pure anger ) that the tenured historian be fired for his lack of sensitivity and understanding .
Admitting humbly that it was a rather impulsive move on his part to utilize his numerous years of academic training , his research , and his access to archives of a forgotten war in order to teach lessons from the past , Dr. Johnson tried to appease the belligerent mob of sexually-active , open-minded liberals by saying @ @ @ @ @ @ @ '' Hey , this actually happened ! ''
.. and ... '' Yes , mainly white men were involved in this struggle ! ''
... `` Wonder Woman also did n't show up to save the day , '' he faultily added .
Desperately trying to placate and sooth the profound vexation that he had stirred up by showing 'extremely inconsiderate ' films of white males rotting away hopelessly , having their intestines blown out , and dying helplessly from diseases as well as a plethora of other unimaginable horrors , Dr. Johnson @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the terrible statement that 'humans will not be able to move forward as a species with divisive politics , warfare , socioeconomic division , and 'self-identity ' movements that separate males and females from connecting with each-other . ''
Because his statements and lectures had the underlying ( and 'toxically masculine ' tone ) that women are `` not perfect '' and that `` people of diversity '' did not make a difference in the barbaric stalemate that wasted almost 40 million lives , Professor Johnson was fired by the administration and then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of his neck could be enjoyed by the ferocious crowd of 'progressive-minded ' and 'sexually-active ' youngsters who had found his classes to be brutal and extremely offensive .

The Swedes are burning books again … and I must take serious issue with this issue! Sure, one could say that any god who worries Him- or Itself over the burning of His book is no god at all. Aren’t gods bigger than their holy books? Apparently not…


thespoof--2020-01-19--Burgers Infused with Pomegranate Cause Cancer and Heart Disease

For those eager to complement their burgers , ketchup or barbecue sauce may be a safer bet than pomegranate , suggests a new study by the Meat in the Middle Foundation .
According to the MIMF report , ground beef that was infused with pomegranate juice to add a pinker , bloodier `` feel '' elevated cancer rates and heart disease among those who consumed it regularly , as compared to those who did not consume any fruit-infused meat .
`` It 's concerning , '' said MIMF founder and president , Joe Kelly .
`` More research needs to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ at this point we 're recommending that people stick with straight meat . ''
Kelly further cautioned , `` Pomegranates on their own could be relatively benign , but they 're also very carb-heavy .
If you 're worried , we 'd recommend avoiding those , too . ''
When pressed as to whether it could have been the ground beef itself , rather than the added pomegranate juice , that resulted in the elevated health risks , Kelly declined to speculate , explaining that red meat has seldom been the focus of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ essential to muscle and bone health .
He reminded Americans , too , `` Beef - it 's what 's for dinner . ''
With regard to safer burger dressings , Kelly noted that no peer-reviewed studies have convincingly shown that adding ketchup to hamburgers increases health risks - and suggested , moreover , that that tasty condiment could provide a handy way for people to boost their vegetable intake .
`` But the bottom line , '' he emphasized , `` is that meat should remain in the middle , serving as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ pomegranate study proved once again that meat is fantastic on its own .
Do n't mess with a good thing , is the takeaway . ''

For those eager to complement their burgers, ketchup or barbecue sauce may be a safer bet than pomegranate, suggests a new study by the Meat in the Middle Foundation.
According to the MIMF report, ground beef that was infused with pomegranate juice to add a pinker, bloodier "feel" elevated cancer rates and heart disease among those who consumed it regularly, as compared to those who did not consume any fruit-infused meat.
"It's concerning," said MIMF founder and president, Joe Kelly. "More research needs to be done, of course, but at this point we're recommending that people stick with straight meat."
Kelly further cautioned, "Pomegranates on their own could be relatively benign, but they're also very carb-heavy. If you're worried, we'd recommend avoiding those, too."
When pressed as to whether it could have been the ground beef itself, rather than the added pomegranate juice, that resulted in the elevated health risks, Kelly declined to speculate, explaining that red meat has seldom been the focus of nutrition research because it is so clearly essential to muscle and bone health. He reminded Americans, too, "Beef - it's what's for dinner."
With regard to safer burger dressings, Kelly noted that no peer-reviewed studies have convincingly shown that adding ketchup to hamburgers increases health risks - and suggested, moreover, that that tasty condiment could provide a handy way for people to boost their vegetable intake.
"But the bottom line," he emphasized, "is that meat should remain in the middle, serving as the center of every meal. The pomegranate study proved once again that meat is fantastic on its own. Don't mess with a good thing, is the takeaway."


thespoof--2020-01-20--Nashville Man Admits Cat Can Be a Little Petty

`` No matter what else I have going on , all she ever wants is to be snuggled and cuddled and stroked , '' said Wade Johnson of Nashville , Tennessee , regarding his beloved feline animal companion , Ginny .
`` I hate to say it , but honestly , she can be a little petty . ''
Johnson went on to explain that Ginny shows very little interest in world affairs , or even in his own professional progress .
`` I got a promotion at work , and she could have cared less , '' he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if it 's even registered with her that I 'm a manager now . ''
Johnson noted , too , that , in his view , Ginny tends to overly emphasize the physical .
`` We 're different that way .
She 's very practical and pleasure-oriented , whereas I 'm more ethereal .
And her preferred love language is most definitely touch . ''
He added , .
`` It 's good , though , that whenever I get too caught up in my head , she 's always able to bring @ @ @ @ @ @ @ emphasized , however , that , for all Ginny 's existential complacency and seeming lack of concern with the bigger picture , he could n't have asked for a better mate .
`` Our chemistry is off the charts , '' he said .
`` Talk about heavy petting - whew !
Ginny 's a master .
Even after eight years , I still ca n't get enough . ''

"No matter what else I have going on, all she ever wants is to be snuggled and cuddled and stroked," said Wade Johnson of Nashville, Tennessee, regarding his beloved feline animal companion, Ginny. "I hate to say it, but honestly, she can be a little petty."
Johnson went on to explain that Ginny shows very little interest in world affairs, or even in his own professional progress. "I got a promotion at work, and she could have cared less," he said. "I don't even know if it's even registered with her that I'm a manager now."
Johnson noted, too, that, in his view, Ginny tends to overly emphasize the physical. "We're different that way. She's very practical and pleasure-oriented, whereas I'm more ethereal. And her preferred love language is most definitely touch."
He added, ."It's good, though, that whenever I get too caught up in my head, she's always able to bring me back to earth."
Johnson emphasized, however, that, for all Ginny's existential complacency and seeming lack of concern with the bigger picture, he couldn't have asked for a better mate. "Our chemistry is off the charts," he said. "Talk about heavy petting - whew! Ginny's a master. Even after eight years, I still can't get enough."


thespoof--2020-01-20--Eleventh Commandment - Right to Own Guns - Discovered by 2d Amendment Zealots

Richmond , VA. Woof Blister reporting for SIN - Spoof International News .
Speaking to a reporter for the more-to-the-right-than-far-right @ @ @ @ @ female gun advocate at the pro-gun rally at the state capital here in Richmond revealed @ @ @ @ @ , involving gun ownership , had been discovered .
Denouncing the anti-gun laws recently passed @ @ @ @ @ signed by the Democratic governor , the female demonstrator said : '' It is our @ @ @ @ @ , and the state of Virginia has no right to pass anti-gun laws . ''
@ @ @ @ @ to the validity of calling this the Eleventh Commandment , since the wording , `` @ @ @ @ @ not state `` Thou shalt own guns . ''
In fact , the demonstrator agreed @ @ @ @ @ to own guns if you do n't want them .

Richmond, VA. Woof Blister reporting for SIN - Spoof International News. Speaking to a reporter for the more-to-the-right-than-far-right One America News, a female gun advocate at the pro-gun rally at the state capital here in Richmond revealed that a previously unknown commandment, involving gun ownership, had been discovered.
Denouncing the anti-gun laws recently passed by the Democratic legislature and signed by the Democratic governor, the female demonstrator said:"It is our God-given right to own guns, and the state of Virginia has no right to pass anti-gun laws."
There is some doubt as to the validity of calling this the Eleventh Commandment, since the wording, "God-given right," does not state "Thou shalt own guns." In fact, the demonstrator agreed that you don't have to own guns if you don't want them.


thespoof--2020-01-21--Nashville Man Demonstrates High Levels of Artificial Intelligence

No longer mere fodder for sci-fi novels and futuristic movie odysseys , artificial intelligence is a present-day reality , as demonstrated by 38-year-old Ben Higgins of Nashville , Tennessee .
`` I 'm not actually smart at all , '' said Higgins , `` but I 've learned to fake it really well . ''
So well , in fact , that most of Ben 's buddies report considering Ben a pretty smart guy .
`` Do n't get me wrong , he 's no rocket scientist , '' said longtime pal , Chris Butler .
`` But definitely above @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Some of techniques that Higgins has found useful in artificially boosting his perceived intelligence , are referencing psychologist Carl Jung , and using the term `` Jungian '' ; mentioning that he does n't generally watch a lot of T.V .
( arguably true , says Higgins , depending on what is considered `` a lot '' ) ; and being picky about coffee .
`` The coffee thing goes a long way , '' he said .
`` Break out a French press and people immediately assume you 're some sort of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ artifical intelligence has proven so successful that Higgins says that these days , he has little patience for the natural variety .
`` Posers trying to pretend they 're not posing , '' he said of genuinely smart people who do n't go out of their way to flaunt their mental aptitude .
`` I 'm so over it . ''

No longer mere fodder for sci-fi novels and futuristic movie odysseys, artificial intelligence is a present-day reality, as demonstrated by 38-year-old Ben Higgins of Nashville, Tennessee.
"I'm not actually smart at all," said Higgins, "but I've learned to fake it really well."
So well, in fact, that most of Ben's buddies report considering Ben a pretty smart guy. "Don't get me wrong, he's no rocket scientist," said longtime pal, Chris Butler. "But definitely above average, I'd say."
Some of techniques that Higgins has found useful in artificially boosting his perceived intelligence, are referencing psychologist Carl Jung, and using the term "Jungian"; mentioning that he doesn't generally watch a lot of T.V. (arguably true, says Higgins, depending on what is considered "a lot"); and being picky about coffee.
"The coffee thing goes a long way," he said. "Break out a French press and people immediately assume you're some sort of genius."
And his foray into artifical intelligence has proven so successful that Higgins says that these days, he has little patience for the natural variety. "Posers trying to pretend they're not posing," he said of genuinely smart people who don't go out of their way to flaunt their mental aptitude. "I'm so over it."