thespoof--2020-05-21--Ivanka Trump Fears That Her Daddy May Have The Coronavirus

BALTIMORE – The first daughter , Ivanka Trump , was in Baltimore visiting one of her favorite cousins this week .
She was asked by reporters how she was feeling .
She softly asked `` Why , what have you heard ? ''
One reporter said that most of the media is amazed at how in the world her father , Mike Pence , Kellyanne Conway , and Kayleigh McEnany can be around so many dozens of folks with C-19 , and not get it .
Ivanka looked a bit depressed as she said that she is afraid that her @ @ @ @ @ @ @ along with a case of the Croatian Crotch Rash .
The first daughter took a bite out of her beef quesadilla , and said that there is just no way that he will ever admit it .
`` Why not ? ''
She was asked .
Ivanka paused .
`` Because if he gets COVID-19 , he knows that Joe Biden will then win in a monumental landslide , kicking his orange butt From Bangor , Maine to Calexico , California . ''
She added that her daddy is such a stubborn shithead @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will never wear the medical mask for more than four minutes .
Ivanka then revealed that Melania confided to her last night , that she has had enough of his meanness , arrogance , sarcasm , and , most of all , bullying .
Melania then said that she is seriously planning on taking Barron and moving back to Slovenia , where she will resume her career as a lingerie model .

BALTIMORE – The first daughter, Ivanka Trump, was in Baltimore visiting one of her favorite cousins this week.
She was asked by reporters how she was feeling. She softly asked "Why, what have you heard?"
One reporter said that most of the media is amazed at how in the world her father, Mike Pence, Kellyanne Conway, and Kayleigh McEnany can be around so many dozens of folks with C-19, and not get it.
Ivanka looked a bit depressed as she said that she is afraid that her father may already have the Coronavirus, along with a case of the Croatian Crotch Rash.
The first daughter took a bite out of her beef quesadilla, and said that there is just no way that he will ever admit it.
"Why not?" She was asked.
Ivanka paused. "Because if he gets COVID-19, he knows that Joe Biden will then win in a monumental landslide, kicking his orange butt From Bangor, Maine to Calexico, California."
She added that her daddy is such a stubborn shithead (her words), that he will never wear the medical mask for more than four minutes.
Ivanka then revealed that Melania confided to her last night, that she has had enough of his meanness, arrogance, sarcasm, and, most of all, bullying.
Melania then said that she is seriously planning on taking Barron and moving back to Slovenia, where she will resume her career as a lingerie model.


thespoof--2020-05-21--Melania Trump Says That She Is Becoming a Bit Concerned About The President’s Very Close Relationshi

Melania Trump Says That She Is Becoming a Bit Concerned About The President’s Very Close Relationship with Sean Hannity

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Melania Trump recently told her husband ’ s attorney that she is really worried about his @ @ @ @ @ News reporter , Sean Hannity .
The first lady told Segundo Juarez that the POTUS @ @ @ @ @ with his constant hate-tweeting , that lately he is only sleeping 35 minutes a night @ @ @ @ @ he just walks around their master bedroom in his boxer shorts , speaking in tongues @ @ @ @ @ essample , Donnie he ease always talking tu Chon Hannity on dee celery phone .
@ @ @ @ @ jew , dat I am starting tu teenk dat Donnie and Chon are jew know @ @ @ @ @ ?
” The famed attorney took a sip of his Dos Equis beer , then @ @ @ @ @ she has a video , then it ’ s just a rumor .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Melania Trump recently told her husband’s attorney that she is really worried about his unhealthy close relationship with Fox News reporter, Sean Hannity.
The first lady told Segundo Juarez that the POTUS scrotus is so stressed out with his constant hate-tweeting, that lately he is only sleeping 35 minutes a night.
Mrs. Trump said that he just walks around their master bedroom in his boxer shorts, speaking in tongues.
“What kind of tongues?” Juarez asked the Sofia Vergara lookalike.
“Talking tongues,” she replied.
“Like?” Juarez asked.
“Well, for essample, Donnie he ease always talking tu Chon Hannity on dee celery phone. I has tu tell tu jew, dat I am starting tu teenk dat Donnie and Chon are jew know how du jew say eat?”
Juarez raised his eyebrows and asked, “Gay?”
“Jes, jes, dat ease eggsackly what I means tu sez.”
The famed attorney took a sip of his Dos Equis beer, then told Melania, that unless she has a video, then it’s just a rumor.


thespoof--2020-05-21--Police in New Orleans Confiscate A Stripper’s Pole They Say Was Infested With The C-19 Flu Virus

NEW ORLEANS - Local authorities have just announced that they were tipped off about a strip club that was operating under very lax conditions .
Lt. Benzell Keckle , with the NOPD , said that the club called The Booby Trap , had just recently opened , after getting approval from the Coronavirus Coalition Commission .
Within 24 hours , they were shut down , after an inspector with the Louisiana Strippers Pole Federation took samples from the strippers ’ pole , as well as from the crotches of seven of the nine strippers .
The strip pole results came @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Coronavirus , but for the mumps , dandruff , and for a lingering yeast infestation as well .
After being shut down , all nine of the dancers were ordered to go home and to self-isolate and shelter-in-place for 14 days .
The girls were instructed to not have any sexual relations for a period of 21 days .
One dancer identified as Taffy “ Snuggle Pups ” Brattle asked , “ How about if I use a vibrator ?
” She was advised that she could use a vibrator , but only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ crazy , and turn the speed up all the way to 10 .

NEW ORLEANS - Local authorities have just announced that they were tipped off about a strip club that was operating under very lax conditions.
Lt. Benzell Keckle, with the NOPD, said that the club called The Booby Trap, had just recently opened, after getting approval from the Coronavirus Coalition Commission.
Within 24 hours, they were shut down, after an inspector with the Louisiana Strippers Pole Federation took samples from the strippers’ pole, as well as from the crotches of seven of the nine strippers.
The strip pole results came back positive, for not only the Coronavirus, but for the mumps, dandruff, and for a lingering yeast infestation as well.
After being shut down, all nine of the dancers were ordered to go home and to self-isolate and shelter-in-place for 14 days.
The girls were instructed to not have any sexual relations for a period of 21 days.
One dancer identified as Taffy “Snuggle Pups” Brattle asked, “How about if I use a vibrator?”
She was advised that she could use a vibrator, but only as long as she did not go crazy, and turn the speed up all the way to 10.


thespoof--2020-05-21--The Reason Why Tens of Millions of American’s Want Trump To Keep on Taking Hydroxychloroquine and Fo

The Reason Why Tens of Millions of American’s Want Trump To Keep on Taking Hydroxychloroquine and For Pence to Keep Going Maskless

NEW YORK CITY – Many US newspapers , as well as news agencies , are perfectly fine with President Donald Trump and Vice-President Pence continuing to go maskless , and for Trumpski to keep on popping those Hydroxychloroquine pills .
The Pocatello Gazing Gazette newspaper wrote that , if both leaders are so cock-sure that they will not catch the Coronavirus , then they will certainly end up regretting it ( and soon ) .
The Tampa Timely Times stated that tens of millions of Americans ( including lots of Republicans who now hate Trump ) are salivating at the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was asked about that possibility , she smiled and replied , “ I can not believe how stupid those two old-as-hell bozos are , but hey , I am ready , willing , and able to be the next president.
” She winked , and said that she has already started looking for new drapes , curtains , dishes , linen , and light bulbs .
A reporter with The Bangor Morning Bang asked Pelosi what is going to be the first thing she ’ ll do when she gets named president .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that she will have the entire White House sprayed with the world ’ s strongest disinfectant a total of seven times .
Pelosi then commented that , on her first day in office , she will go into the oval office with lots and lots of pens .
She suddenly got that 'reindeer that swallowed the canary ' look , and said that she will then proceed to undo each and every one of the 19,914 presidential executive orders that the “ Tweet Creep ” wrote .

NEW YORK CITY – Many US newspapers, as well as news agencies, are perfectly fine with President Donald Trump and Vice-President Pence continuing to go maskless, and for Trumpski to keep on popping those Hydroxychloroquine pills.
The Pocatello Gazing Gazette newspaper wrote that, if both leaders are so cock-sure that they will not catch the Coronavirus, then they will certainly end up regretting it (and soon).
The Tampa Timely Times stated that tens of millions of Americans (including lots of Republicans who now hate Trump) are salivating at the thought of President Pelosi.
When Pelosi was asked about that possibility, she smiled and replied, “I cannot believe how stupid those two old-as-hell bozos are, but hey, I am ready, willing, and able to be the next president.”
She winked, and said that she has already started looking for new drapes, curtains, dishes, linen, and light bulbs.
A reporter with The Bangor Morning Bang asked Pelosi what is going to be the first thing she’ll do when she gets named president.
She grinned from ear-to-ear, and remarked that she will have the entire White House sprayed with the world’s strongest disinfectant a total of seven times.
Pelosi then commented that, on her first day in office, she will go into the oval office with lots and lots of pens.
She suddenly got that 'reindeer that swallowed the canary' look, and said that she will then proceed to undo each and every one of the 19,914 presidential executive orders that the “Tweet Creep” wrote.


thespoof--2020-05-21--The Trumps Talk About Killing Elephants, Pedophilia, and Crazy Nancy

President Trump and his two boys had a very rare meeting to discuss politics last Tuesday .
The offspring had an alcoholic drink , and the President , a teetotaler , ordered some fried chicken .
Trump earlier had a dinner of two Big Macs , fried chicken , and a small shake .
For desert he had a slice of apple pie with two scoops of ice cream .
As background , and perhaps the major cause of the meeting , Speaker Nancy Pelosi had likened Donald Trump and his aides ( certainly including Donald Jr. ) to children @ @ @ @ @ @ @ The insulting remark came days after Pelosi described the president as `` morbidly obese '' .
`` It ’ s almost like a child who comes in with mud on their pants or something , '' said Pelosi .
`` He comes in with doggy-doo on his shoes , and everybody who works with him has it on their shoes , too , for a very long time to come , '' she added .
At the meeting with Donald Jr. and Eric , Trump mused , `` I think she ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about 'Obamagate ' and my calling it 'the biggest political crime in American history ' .
She 's upset because she 's in love with Barack .
Of course , I was just being playful about Obamagate ; it was just a jest .
It ’ s like when Donald Trump Jr. repeated a meme he saw on the internet that Joe Biden is a pedophile .
Junior said it was just a joke .
I think it was pretty funny too - maybe even hilarious ! ''
Junior exclaimed , `` I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ incest , rape , assaults on women and COVID-19 deaths , the Democrats would be upset .
But it would all be in good fun !
It would be in good taste .
But they just wouldn ’ t get it . ''
He continued , `` Nancy and the Democrats wouldn ’ t understand that we really were just having a fun time , like when brother Eric and I go hunting and shoot elephants , leopards , and buffalo .
Boy , did they protest .
See , Pelosi and the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people have a good time . ''
`` Of course , Daddy did us a big favor when he loosened curbs around the import of elephant trophies .
Now we can shoot them without Pelosi complaining .
I just can ’ t wait until we go back to Africa and eat exotic meat by the campfire , '' said Donald Trump Jr. '' Are you going to have elephant dung in your shoes , and bring them home to your new girlfriend ’ s house Donnie ? ''
asked brother , Eric .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ she didn ’ t like it and got pissed off !
But , as Pelosi would say , the smell would last for a very long time to come in the house .
That would be really neat . ''
Trump Sr. smiled with his mouth full of chicken , and the boys doubled up in laughter .
President Trump exclaimed , `` Crazy Nancy ! ''

President Trump and his two boys had a very rare meeting to discuss politics last Tuesday. The offspring had an alcoholic drink, and the President, a teetotaler, ordered some fried chicken. Trump earlier had a dinner of two Big Macs, fried chicken, and a small shake. For desert he had a slice of apple pie with two scoops of ice cream.
As background, and perhaps the major cause of the meeting, Speaker Nancy Pelosi had likened Donald Trump and his aides (certainly including Donald Jr.) to children with dog feces on their shoes. The insulting remark came days after Pelosi described the president as "morbidly obese".
"It’s almost like a child who comes in with mud on their pants or something," said Pelosi. "He comes in with doggy-doo on his shoes, and everybody who works with him has it on their shoes, too, for a very long time to come," she added.
At the meeting with Donald Jr. and Eric, Trump mused, "I think she’s mad at me because of my tweeting about 'Obamagate' and my calling it 'the biggest political crime in American history'. She's upset because she's in love with Barack. Of course, I was just being playful about Obamagate; it was just a jest. It’s like when Donald Trump Jr. repeated a meme he saw on the internet that Joe Biden is a pedophile. Junior said it was just a joke. I think it was pretty funny too - maybe even hilarious!"
Junior exclaimed, "I suppose, if we made fun of incest, rape, assaults on women and COVID-19 deaths, the Democrats would be upset. But it would all be in good fun! It would be in good taste. But they just wouldn’t get it."
He continued, "Nancy and the Democrats wouldn’t understand that we really were just having a fun time, like when brother Eric and I go hunting and shoot elephants, leopards, and buffalo. Boy, did they protest. See, Pelosi and the Democrats don’t like it when people have a good time."
"Of course, Daddy did us a big favor when he loosened curbs around the import of elephant trophies. Now we can shoot them without Pelosi complaining. I just can’t wait until we go back to Africa and eat exotic meat by the campfire," said Donald Trump Jr.
"Are you going to have elephant dung in your shoes, and bring them home to your new girlfriend’s house Donnie?" asked brother, Eric. "That would be really funny if she didn’t like it and got pissed off! But, as Pelosi would say, the smell would last for a very long time to come in the house. That would be really neat."
Trump Sr. smiled with his mouth full of chicken, and the boys doubled up in laughter. President Trump exclaimed, "Crazy Nancy!"


thespoof--2020-05-22--Late-Breaking Progressive News: Sugar Is Bad for You; Government Surveillance Is Necessary to Keep Y

Late-Breaking Progressive News: Sugar Is Bad for You; Government Surveillance Is Necessary to Keep You from Getting Sick; Trump Is Not a Good President.

Providing a progressive perspective on lifestyle and current events , independent news show Common Nonsense recently broke several revelatory stories , beginning with news that certain studies suggest that sugar might not be very good for you .
“ Contrary to the prevailing perception that sugar is a health-promoting food , ” stated CN host Rachel Williamson , “ these studies seem to indicate that , depending on circumstances and a number of unknown factors , processed glucose may not be very nutrient-dense .
The bottom line is that for many Americans , there may be healthier food choices .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the late-breaking news about sugar need not alter most Americans ’ basic eating habits , since , regardless of the latest research , Americans are free to exercise their own judgment when it comes to their own health – except , that is , when it comes to flu-like bugs like the coronavirus .
“ While face masks are helpful from a psychological perspective and , for that reason , should continue to be worn in all public places , ” said Williamson , “ their actual effectiveness in preventing spread of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we need ongoing government surveillance .
Keep in mind , COVID-19 can be very unpleasant , sometimes even worse than the flu . ''
The Common Nonsense episode concluded with the sobering report that United States President Donald Trump is not only not a good president , but not even a good person .
“ It ’ s never pleasant to break bad news to people , '' said Williamson , `` but at CN , we tell it like it is .
And we felt this was information that people needed @ @ @ @

Providing a progressive perspective on lifestyle and current events, independent news show Common Nonsense recently broke several revelatory stories, beginning with news that certain studies suggest that sugar might not be very good for you.
“Contrary to the prevailing perception that sugar is a health-promoting food,” stated CN host Rachel Williamson, “these studies seem to indicate that, depending on circumstances and a number of unknown factors, processed glucose may not be very nutrient-dense. The bottom line is that for many Americans, there may be healthier food choices."
That being said, Williamson emphasized that the late-breaking news about sugar need not alter most Americans’ basic eating habits, since, regardless of the latest research, Americans are free to exercise their own judgment when it comes to their own health – except, that is, when it comes to flu-like bugs like the coronavirus. “While face masks are helpful from a psychological perspective and, for that reason, should continue to be worn in all public places,” said Williamson, “their actual effectiveness in preventing spread of the virus is negligible. For that, we need ongoing government surveillance. Keep in mind, COVID-19 can be very unpleasant, sometimes even worse than the flu."
The Common Nonsense episode concluded with the sobering report that United States President Donald Trump is not only not a good president, but not even a good person. “It’s never pleasant to break bad news to people," said Williamson, "but at CN, we tell it like it is. And we felt this was information that people needed to hear."


thespoof--2020-05-22--Overweight Old Guy Who Paints Himself Orange Worried About How He Looks in a Mask

Ypsilanti , Michigan - A recent visitor to the Ford manufacturing facility here was reported to be concerned that being @ @ @ @ @ , as is required by company and state policy to prevent spread of the coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ assembled image , and ordered everyone to stop taking pictures of him during the brief @ @ @ @ @ facility .
The top official from Washington removed the protective gear , increasing the likelihood @ @ @ @ @ members present during the question and answer session might catch any disease he recently acquired @ @ @ @ @ reporters about his tour .
`` I have unlimited power over men , viruses and @ @ @ @ @ am never sick , so no need for a mask for me , '' said @ @ @ @ @ is overweight , wears an absurd blonde pelt on his head , and paints himself @ @ @ @ @ .

Ypsilanti, Michigan - A recent visitor to the Ford manufacturing facility here was reported to be concerned that being seen in a protective mask, as is required by company and state policy to prevent spread of the coronavirus, might ruin his carefully assembled image, and ordered everyone to stop taking pictures of him during the brief time he was inside the facility.
The top official from Washington removed the protective gear, increasing the likelihood that other officials and press members present during the question and answer session might catch any disease he recently acquired, and answered questions from reporters about his tour.
"I have unlimited power over men, viruses and all creatures, so I am never sick, so no need for a mask for me," said the 72-year-old man, who is overweight, wears an absurd blonde pelt on his head, and paints himself orange on a daily basis.


thespoof--2020-05-22--President Trump Victim Of Humorless Nonsense Stories

It 's been claimed that , although he is an incompetent fool , with few or no people skills , who has , against all rhyme , reason and common sense , become the forty-fifth President of the United States of America ( POTUS ) , Donald Trump deserves better .
Mr. Trump , or POTUS , `` the Peter Tweeter '' , `` Baby Fingers '' , `` the Orange Tweet Creep '' , `` the Liar-in-Chief '' , `` Trumpski '' , and `` the Russian Colluder-in-Chief '' , as it is far-too-frequently claimed he is known by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Nicki Minaj , Cher , and George Conway , has been the target of way too many stories which are complete and utter nonsense , unfunny , and hardly worth the effort it took to write them .
Having said that , it probably did n't take effort to write them .
In an effort to get Mr. Trump 's thoughts on his treatment , we asked TheSpoof.com ace reporter Able Rodriguez to speak to the President .
Mr. Rodriguez asked Mr. Trump if it was true that he ate only McDonalds @ @ @ @ @ @ @ always claims in his stories .
Mr. Trump replied that it was not , and is , at any rate , a rather weak gambit to use this 'joke ' in a high percentage of the stories that are written about him .
Mr Rodriguez looked a little sheepish , and commented that , if he did n't use that joke , that one about that tattoo of Ivanka , that Stormy Daniels stuff , or that incessantly-recycled 'kiddycomment ' that President Trump has a tiny 'pee-wee ' peckerino , that he did @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
At that , Mr. Trump said that , that was a lot of thats .
Mr. Rodriguez then smiled and commented that , when writing , that he has a tendency to forget everything he ever knew about grammar , and to overuse the word 'that ' .
Mr. Rodriguez then smiled and asked Mr. Trump if he minded his persistently and repetitively quoting the President 's wife , Melania , in English with a distinctive eastern European accent , in an attempt to generate laughs .
Mr. Trump responded that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ then commented that it was likely Melania had a better command of English than Mr. Rodriguez had of Slovenian .
Indeed , countered Mr. Trump , for a native English speaker , Mr. Rodriguez was throwing rather too many stones from his glass house .
Mr. Rodriguez then smiled and asked Mr. Trump if he very much minded being quoted as using the pathetic expletive , `` effen '' .
`` Fuck , no ! ''
asserted the President .
`` Just another one of your juvenile terms . ''
The number 1 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Himalayas , then smiled .
He asked Mr. Trump if it were true that his wife , `` Melly '' , hated living at the White House as much as he , Mr. Rodriguez , was constantly alleging , and wanted to return to Trump Tower .
Mr. Trump answered that that information must have come from Cher , Meghan Markle , Nicki Minaj , Tom Brady , George Conway , Beyoncé , Danica Patrick , Katie Holmes or the Houston Astros , and that , if she honestly felt like that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , no problem .
The question was then raised what Mr. Trump thought about the writer 's almost-daily by-now-tiresome , very-nearly unending , re-repetition that the President is prone to fibbing , as if this were , somehow , `` newsworthy '' .
The President smiled , chuckled , laughed , became angry , yelled , took another bite out of his seventh Big Mac of the day , drank a liter of Pepsi , sent 50 Tweets , scratched his testicles and sniffed his fingers , then said : '' No , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if you like , you mofo .
It seems that , despite my being absurdly ridiculous , you never cease in your excrutiatingly-boring and adolescent one-man pursuit to make me sound even worse than I actually am , which is difficult , as everyone knows I am beyond being made to look any more ridiculous .
It is as if the coffin lid has already been nailed down , riveted , and been encircled with huge , padlocked chains , and lowered into its grave , and here YOU are , frantically and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ before it 's covered over with earth , and you have to search for some new target for your mirth . ''
- new names are urgently being sought to drag more 'laughs ' out of the subject of 'Donald Trump ' .
Also , new storylines are needed , as Big Macs , KFC , small hands and fingers , telling lies , an improper relationship between Trump and Sean Hannity , and Trump 's allegedly-small pecker are rather 'old hat ' now - not that they were ever 'new hat ' @

It's been claimed that, although he is an incompetent fool, with few or no people skills, who has, against all rhyme, reason and common sense, become the forty-fifth President of the United States of America (POTUS), Donald Trump deserves better.
Mr. Trump, or POTUS, "the Peter Tweeter", "Baby Fingers", "the Orange Tweet Creep", "the Liar-in-Chief", "Trumpski", and "the Russian Colluder-in-Chief", as it is far-too-frequently claimed he is known by various celebrities, such as Meghan Markle, Nicki Minaj, Cher, and George Conway, has been the target of way too many stories which are complete and utter nonsense, unfunny, and hardly worth the effort it took to write them.
Having said that, it probably didn't take that much effort to write them.
In an effort to get Mr. Trump's thoughts on his treatment, we asked TheSpoof.com ace reporter Able Rodriguez to speak to the President.
Mr. Rodriguez asked Mr. Trump if it was true that he ate only McDonalds and KFC food, as Mr. Rodriguez always claims in his stories.
Mr. Trump replied that it was not, and is, at any rate, a rather weak gambit to use this 'joke' in a high percentage of the stories that are written about him.
Mr Rodriguez looked a little sheepish, and commented that, if he didn't use that joke, that one about that tattoo of Ivanka, that Stormy Daniels stuff, or that incessantly-recycled 'kiddycomment' that President Trump has a tiny 'pee-wee' peckerino, that he didn't have that much left in his locker.
At that, Mr. Trump said that, that was a lot of thats.
Mr. Rodriguez then smiled and commented that, when writing, that he has a tendency to forget everything he ever knew about grammar, and to overuse the word 'that'.
"That's OK," laughed Mr. Trump.
Mr. Rodriguez then smiled and asked Mr. Trump if he minded his persistently and repetitively quoting the President's wife, Melania, in English with a distinctive eastern European accent, in an attempt to generate laughs.
Mr. Trump responded that, that was another lame idea, but then commented that it was likely Melania had a better command of English than Mr. Rodriguez had of Slovenian. Indeed, countered Mr. Trump, for a native English speaker, Mr. Rodriguez was throwing rather too many stones from his glass house.
Mr. Rodriguez then smiled and asked Mr. Trump if he very much minded being quoted as using the pathetic expletive, "effen".
"Fuck, no!" asserted the President. "Just another one of your juvenile terms."
The number 1 spoof writer, who lives in The Himalayas, then smiled. He asked Mr. Trump if it were true that his wife, "Melly", hated living at the White House as much as he, Mr. Rodriguez, was constantly alleging, and wanted to return to Trump Tower.
Mr. Trump answered that that information must have come from Cher, Meghan Markle, Nicki Minaj, Tom Brady, George Conway, Beyoncé, Danica Patrick, Katie Holmes or the Houston Astros, and that, if she honestly felt like that, that that option was open to her, no problem.
The question was then raised what Mr. Trump thought about the writer's almost-daily by-now-tiresome, very-nearly unending, re-repetition that the President is prone to fibbing, as if this were, somehow, "newsworthy".
The President smiled, chuckled, laughed, became angry, yelled, took another bite out of his seventh Big Mac of the day, drank a liter of Pepsi, sent 50 Tweets, scratched his testicles and sniffed his fingers, then said:
"No, not effen really. Or yes, if you like, you mofo. It seems that, despite my being absurdly ridiculous, you never cease in your excrutiatingly-boring and adolescent one-man pursuit to make me sound even worse than I actually am, which is difficult, as everyone knows I am beyond being made to look any more ridiculous. It is as if the coffin lid has already been nailed down, riveted, and been encircled with huge, padlocked chains, and lowered into its grave, and here YOU are, frantically and desperately pushing drawing pins into it, before it's covered over with earth, and you have to search for some new target for your mirth."


thespoof--2020-05-22--Disappointed Local Man Decides to Remove Avatar from Facebook After it Fails to Improve Image

Springfield - A local man , upon seeing friends on Facebook posting cartoon-like avatars that seemed to improve their looks @ @ @ @ @ himself , but removed the resulting image after , in his opinion , it did @ @ @ @ @ same effect on him .
The man speaking to our lifestyle reporter on condition of @ @ @ @ @ embarrassment , had trouble removing the image before it went viral on social media and @ @ @ @ @ viewing his failed attempt at attractiveness .
`` I could n't get rid of that @ @ @ @ @ my son , Bart , to help me with that , but , instead , @ @ @ @ @ his friends , '' said the man , while he ate donuts and drank a @ @ @ @ @ .

Springfield - A local man, upon seeing friends on Facebook posting cartoon-like avatars that seemed to improve their looks, tried the app for himself, but removed the resulting image after, in his opinion, it did not seem to have the same effect on him.
The man speaking to our lifestyle reporter on condition of anonymity because of the resulting embarrassment, had trouble removing the image before it went viral on social media and resulted in millions of people viewing his failed attempt at attractiveness.
"I couldn't get rid of that darnned picture. I asked my son, Bart, to help me with that, but, instead, he sent it to all his friends," said the man, while he ate donuts and drank a few cans of Duff beer.


thespoof--2020-05-22--President Trump’s Long Time Lawyer and Friend Michael Cohen is Released From Prison

MANHATTAN – Michael Cohen , the attorney that Donald J. Trump called his “ Fixer , ” has just been released from the Otisville Correctional Facility .
Cohen , aka # 2190562 , was released early , and many are saying that it is because POTUS was scared as hell that Mikey would sing like a canary , and reveal tons and tons of dirt that he has on Trump .
Cohen once said that he would take a bullet for his former boss .
Trump stated , on many occasions , that Michael would actually take a rocket launcher @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Reporters asked Cohen what he thought about being in prison .
He said he hated it , but he learned to adjust .
He said that , while incarcerated , he made some nice friends , such as # 2190102 , # 2190277 , and # 2190413 .
Cohen said that he also learned to sew , and , in fact , he sewed a full-length red-colored MAGA coat made out of reindeer hide , that he plans to give to Trump as soon as he pays him a White House visit .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that the convicts gave him the nickname “ Skippy ” .
He blushed , and said `` yes '' , and pointed out that some of the other prisoners called him “ Sweet Lips ” , “ Cutie ” , “ Jennifer ” , and “ Swivel Hips ” .
Cohen said that he is planning on writing a book about Trump , but he won ’ t release it until January , after Trump has left the White House .

MANHATTAN – Michael Cohen, the attorney that Donald J. Trump called his “Fixer,” has just been released from the Otisville Correctional Facility.
Cohen, aka #2190562, was released early, and many are saying that it is because POTUS was scared as hell that Mikey would sing like a canary, and reveal tons and tons of dirt that he has on Trump.
Cohen once said that he would take a bullet for his former boss. Trump stated, on many occasions, that Michael would actually take a rocket launcher to the groin area for him.
Reporters asked Cohen what he thought about being in prison. He said he hated it, but he learned to adjust. He said that, while incarcerated, he made some nice friends, such as #2190102, #2190277, and #2190413.
Cohen said that he also learned to sew, and, in fact, he sewed a full-length red-colored MAGA coat made out of reindeer hide, that he plans to give to Trump as soon as he pays him a White House visit.
He was asked if it was true that the convicts gave him the nickname “Skippy”. He blushed, and said "yes", and pointed out that some of the other prisoners called him “Sweet Lips”, “Cutie”, “Jennifer”, and “Swivel Hips”.
Cohen said that he is planning on writing a book about Trump, but he won’t release it until January, after Trump has left the White House.


thespoof--2020-05-22--Mexico Offers To Lend The USA $900,000

Mexico Offers To Lend The USA $900,000

MEXICO CITY – President Andres Manuel Lopez-Obrador , aka “ Timmy , ” has just informed the United States ambassador @ @ @ @ @ to lend the United States $ 900,000 .
The president of Mexico stated that his @ @ @ @ @ due to President Trump ’ s seemingly never-ending flailing in the constantly churning economic waters @ @ @ @ @ he is basically running the country into a systematically suppressed septic tank of shitness .
@ @ @ @ @ if Trump doesn ’ t stop acting like a 3-year-old spoilt brat with diaper rash @ @ @ @ @ going to destroy the U.S. economy , as we know it , but , quite @ @ @ @ @ economies of the world ’ s other 196 countries .
The president of Mexico received @ @ @ @ @ graciously accepting his generous loan offer .
Trump then called back a few minutes later @ @ @ @ @ he could also FedEx about 90-or-so avocados to the White House .

MEXICO CITY – President Andres Manuel Lopez-Obrador, aka “Timmy,” has just informed the United States ambassador that his country is offering to lend the United States $900,000.
The president of Mexico stated that his government fully understands that, due to President Trump’s seemingly never-ending flailing in the constantly churning economic waters of fraudulent unpresidential manifestations, he is basically running the country into a systematically suppressed septic tank of shitness.
He further noted that, if Trump doesn’t stop acting like a 3-year-old spoilt brat with diaper rash, he is not only going to destroy the U.S. economy, as we know it, but, quite possibly, most of the economies of the world’s other 196 countries.
The president of Mexico received a call from President Trump graciously accepting his generous loan offer.
Trump then called back a few minutes later, and asked him if he could also FedEx about 90-or-so avocados to the White House.


thespoof--2020-05-22--The Latest Polls Show That if the Election Were Held Today Joe Biden Would Carry All 50 States

CHICAGO – The latest presidential poll result has caused President Trump to scream out at White House staff members .
An insider who asked not to reveal her name for fear of reprisal , said that she saw the President push the White House bakery chef , telling him that he is not using enough sugar in the wedding cakes .
Many people do not know that one of Trump ’ s favorite desserts is wedding cake .
Melania once said that Donnie once bragged of haven eaten over 9,000 wedding cakes since he first discovered that he had bone @ @ @ @ @ @ @ totally upset old `` Rhino Ass '' , and caused him to have unwanted bowel movements , comes from the highly reputable Chicago Daily Wind newspaper .
The Daily Wind took a poll of 72,703 people in the Great Lakes area , and found that , if the November election were held today , `` The Pied Piper of the Potomac '' would get his orange bloviated ass thoroughly kicked by Joe “ Blue Collar ” Biden .
In true Trump fashion , the “ I ’ m the victim here ” unabashedly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Colin Kaepernick , Greta Thunberg , Hirohito , Chris Wallace , Sybil Loyala , Joe Scarborough , and The Golden State Warriors .

CHICAGO – The latest presidential poll result has caused President Trump to scream out at White House staff members.
An insider who asked not to reveal her name for fear of reprisal, said that she saw the President push the White House bakery chef, telling him that he is not using enough sugar in the wedding cakes.
Many people do not know that one of Trump’s favorite desserts is wedding cake.
Melania once said that Donnie once bragged of haven eaten over 9,000 wedding cakes since he first discovered that he had bone spurs.
But the thing that has totally upset old "Rhino Ass", and caused him to have unwanted bowel movements, comes from the highly reputable Chicago Daily Wind newspaper.
The Daily Wind took a poll of 72,703 people in the Great Lakes area, and found that, if the November election were held today, "The Pied Piper of the Potomac" would get his orange bloviated ass thoroughly kicked by Joe “Blue Collar” Biden.
In true Trump fashion, the “I’m the victim here” unabashedly blames Don Lemon, Nancy Pelosi, Colin Kaepernick, Greta Thunberg, Hirohito, Chris Wallace, Sybil Loyala, Joe Scarborough, and The Golden State Warriors.


thespoof--2020-05-22--Sean Hannity Angrily Says That Melania Trump is Lying About President Trump and Him Having An Affair

NEW YORK CITY – Well , it certainly did not take long for Fox News Golden Boy , Sean Hannity , to fire back at the First Lady !
Melania Trump told her husband ’ s personal attorney , Segundo Juarez , that she thinks that Donnie and Seany are about as close as two men could get to having an affair .
Sean angrily said that , yes , he will admit that he is attracted to POTUS ; but added that it ’ s a physical attraction , and not a sexual attraction .
He then added that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if the president was a woman , he would be all over him like stink on shit .
But , as far as , Trump having his baby , well , that would be a definite “ No way Jose ” .
When President Trump was asked to comment , he smiled , and said , “ Ever since I was six , my parents ' maids taught me not to kiss and tell.
” Three very reliable sources : Howard Stern , Piers Morgan , and Mark Cuban , all noted that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump sitting on Hannity ’ s lap while the two vacationed down in Cabo San Lucas , Mexico , last July .

NEW YORK CITY – Well, it certainly did not take long for Fox News Golden Boy, Sean Hannity, to fire back at the First Lady!
Melania Trump told her husband’s personal attorney, Segundo Juarez, that she thinks that Donnie and Seany are about as close as two men could get to having an affair.
Sean angrily said that, yes, he will admit that he is attracted to POTUS; but added that it’s a physical attraction, and not a sexual attraction.
He then added that, yes, he will admit that if the president was a woman, he would be all over him like stink on shit.
But, as far as, Trump having his baby, well, that would be a definite “No way Jose”.
When President Trump was asked to comment, he smiled, and said, “Ever since I was six, my parents' maids taught me not to kiss and tell.”
Three very reliable sources: Howard Stern, Piers Morgan, and Mark Cuban, all noted that they have seen a charcoal drawing of Trump sitting on Hannity’s lap while the two vacationed down in Cabo San Lucas, Mexico, last July.


thespoof--2020-05-23--Melania Catches Eric Trump Snapping Photos of Her as She Sat out by The Pool In Her Blue "Be Best" B

Melania Catches Eric Trump Snapping Photos of Her as She Sat out by The Pool In Her Blue "Be Best" Bikini Swimsuit

WASHINGTON , D.C. – The temperatures hit the 90s , and the First Lady decided to put on her blue `` Be Best '' bikini swimsuit , and work on her suntan .
Melania was sipping on a Diet 7-Up , and eating honey-roasted peanuts , as she lounged by the Olympic-size pool .
The pool can easily accommodate 400 swimmers , as long as at least half are not the humongous size of the “ Liar-in-Chief ” .
Melly , as Meghan Markle calls her , later told the White House physician , Dr. Yang Fu Fi , that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cooks was rubbing suntan lotion on her body , she noticed Eric Trump was hiding behind a Juniper bush .
Melania said she could clearly see he was taking photos of her in her very skimpy bikini .
She also noted his tongue was hanging out .
She had a secret service agent go up to him and confiscate his camera .
The agent asked her if she wanted to have him arrested .
Melania , who was a bit shook up said , “ No dunt do nussing tu da perv .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ takes care of beeting de chit out of im.
” One of the White House maids later said that Trump called his least favorite son Eric into the Oval Office , and she could hear the President bouncing poor messed up Eric from wall-to-wall .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – The temperatures hit the 90s, and the First Lady decided to put on her blue "Be Best" bikini swimsuit, and work on her suntan.
Melania was sipping on a Diet 7-Up, and eating honey-roasted peanuts, as she lounged by the Olympic-size pool.
The pool can easily accommodate 400 swimmers, as long as at least half are not the humongous size of the “Liar-in-Chief”.
Melly, as Meghan Markle calls her, later told the White House physician, Dr. Yang Fu Fi, that, as one of the White House cooks was rubbing suntan lotion on her body, she noticed Eric Trump was hiding behind a Juniper bush.
Melania said she could clearly see he was taking photos of her in her very skimpy bikini. She also noted his tongue was hanging out.
She had a secret service agent go up to him and confiscate his camera.
The agent asked her if she wanted to have him arrested.
Melania, who was a bit shook up said, “No dunt do nussing tu da perv. I wheel lets my president husbundt tu takes care of beeting de chit out of im.”
One of the White House maids later said that Trump called his least favorite son Eric into the Oval Office, and she could hear the President bouncing poor messed up Eric from wall-to-wall.


thespoof--2020-05-23--Kellyanne Conway Denies That Her and Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany Are Lovers

WASHINGTON , D.C. – It appears that ever since Kayleigh McEnany came into the White House picture , Kellyanne Conway has been somewhat delegated to the background .
One White House insider added that Conway ’ s main duties , of late , include getting Big Macs and French fries for the president , combing Melania ’ s hair , and playing computer games with Barron ; such as Mario Kart 8 , The Attack of the Raging Hormones , and Countdown to Puberty .
Kellyanne was asked about the rumors running rampant from Maine to Oregon , about an @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smirked , and said , “ Look , first of all , I am married to one hunk of a sexy man.
” “ And secondly , ” she said , “ If , if , I was to hit on a woman , it would certainly not be on a woman ( like Kayleigh ) who looks just like me.
” “ So who what kind of woman would you hit on ?
” She was asked .
She did not hesitate for a second .
“ Hope Hicks .
That woman @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to a White House insider , Kellyanne would not have a snowball ’ s chance in hell of hooking up with Hope .
There are certain White House staffers in the know , who know , that Miss Hope Hicks already has Trump ’ s brand on her .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – It appears that ever since Kayleigh McEnany came into the White House picture, Kellyanne Conway has been somewhat delegated to the background.
One White House insider added that Conway’s main duties, of late, include getting Big Macs and French fries for the president, combing Melania’s hair, and playing computer games with Barron; such as Mario Kart 8, The Attack of the Raging Hormones, and Countdown to Puberty.
Kellyanne was asked about the rumors running rampant from Maine to Oregon, about an alleged affair with Kayleigh McEnany.
Conway smirked, and said, “Look, first of all, I am married to one hunk of a sexy man.”
“And secondly,” she said, “If, if, I was to hit on a woman, it would certainly not be on a woman (like Kayleigh) who looks just like me.”
“So who what kind of woman would you hit on?” She was asked.
She did not hesitate for a second. “Hope Hicks. That woman is one deliciously sultry babe.”
According to a White House insider, Kellyanne would not have a snowball’s chance in hell of hooking up with Hope. There are certain White House staffers in the know, who know, that Miss Hope Hicks already has Trump’s brand on her.


thespoof--2020-05-23--Howard Stern Says That Ivanka Trump Has The Sexiest Legs He Has Ever Seen – POTUS Totally Agrees

NEW YORK CITY – It is no secret that , these days , there is no love lost between the shock jock and the Electoral College president .
Howard Stern has said that “ Cheeto Lips ” has got to be the absolute worst president of all of the world leaders .
Stern , who has ten times more fans than Trump , added : `` And that includes President Kuntanumba Fasumba of West Humpawanda , who has been known to eat lots of his country ’ s enemies .
Another one of the world ’ s worst presidents is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Polynesian Island of Klamahiti .
Kapua does not allow Klamahitian women to vote , drink water , or use FDS on their wonky-wonks .
There is one area where Trump and Stern do agree 100 % .
Both horn dogs are in complete agreement that 38-year-old Ivanka has the most gorgeously sexy legs that either man has ever seen .
And the `` Orange Bozo '' pointed out that , that includes Jennifer Aniston , Gisele Bundchen , Stormy Daniels , Steffi Aspenweiser , and Marla Maples .
The last time that Stern @ @ @ @ @ @ @ And Howie , let me say that Ivanka ’ s tatas are positively perfect and they are not ‘ store bought ’ , I promise you that.
” When Ivanka was told by a female reporter for Fox News what Howard Stern and her daddy had said , she shook her blonde mame and remarked , “ Big friggin ’ deal , how about effen telling me something that I don ’ t know , bitch ?
”

NEW YORK CITY – It is no secret that, these days, there is no love lost between the shock jock and the Electoral College president.
Howard Stern has said that “Cheeto Lips” has got to be the absolute worst president of all of the world leaders.
Stern, who has ten times more fans than Trump, added: "And that includes President Kuntanumba Fasumba of West Humpawanda, who has been known to eat lots of his country’s enemies.
Another one of the world’s worst presidents is Kamalani “Bubba" Kapua of the Polynesian Island of Klamahiti.
Kapua does not allow Klamahitian women to vote, drink water, or use FDS on their wonky-wonks.
There is one area where Trump and Stern do agree 100%.
Both horn dogs are in complete agreement that 38-year-old Ivanka has the most gorgeously sexy legs that either man has ever seen.
And the "Orange Bozo" pointed out that, that includes Jennifer Aniston, Gisele Bundchen, Stormy Daniels, Steffi Aspenweiser, and Marla Maples.
The last time that Stern interviewed Trump, he said, “And Howie, let me say that Ivanka’s tatas are positively perfect and they are not ‘store bought’, I promise you that.”
When Ivanka was told by a female reporter for Fox News what Howard Stern and her daddy had said, she shook her blonde mame and remarked, “Big friggin’ deal, how about effen telling me something that I don’t know, bitch?”


thespoof--2020-05-24--LGBTQ Community Leader Highly Upset That Some Average, Middle Class, Heterosexual Males With Penises

LGBTQ Community Leader Highly Upset That Some Average, Middle Class, Heterosexual Males With Penises And Creative Thoughts Are Still Alive

Sources recently confirmed that the LGBTQ community across the United States was in an uproar last week , over the fact that that some average , middle-class , heterosexual males with penises and creative thoughts are actually still alive .
Screaming , baffled , and outraged that there still remain a few men out there who actually have a desire for women ( and who occasionally have creative thoughts ) , protestors in liberal cities across the United States threw signs on the ground , and then began firebombing gyms , book stores , and 'recently-opened ' taverns during a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people looking for shelter .
Unable to fathom the reality that every individual is flawed in some way or another , and that the human race may actually have to work together in order to achieve better things , the LGBTQ community effectively organized and then began hunting down those they deem to be 'politically-incorrect , '' ... unprogressive , '' ... and 'unfit ' for the future .
Foaming at the mouth , and extraordinarily upset that some average males with penises and creative thoughts are actually still relentlessly poisoning the Earth @ @ @ @ @ @ @ conservative opinions , and their voices , lead organizer , Liz Fem , 39 , screamed at the top of her lungs before stating that the LGBTQ community stands for everything that is solid , just , true , and perfect .
`` Women ( and 'non-identity ' people who have had their genitals surgically sliced off in order to significantly alter their personalities ) never do anything wrong , and there is no such thing as an average male who has been pushed around and bullied by society ! ''
she stated @ @ @ @ @ @ @ `` We also DO NOT define ourselves solely based on who we choose to sleep with , '' she ferociously added , before punching a lead reporter directly in the mouth for making the idiotic statement that the LGBTQ community is about as mature , original , and spiritually-developed as a bunch of insecure college students who are stuck in a dormitory together while their exhausted parents keep paying their tuition bills .
`` WE ARE HERE , AND YOU WILL ALL BE FORCED TO DEAL WITH IT , GOD-DAMNIT !
! ''
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ behemoth from the 7th layer of Hell , as she grabbed a nearby heterosexual male who was simply walking down the street , before throwing him on the ground , stomping on him repeatedly , and pulling his heart out of his chest so that she could drink the blood dripping out of it .
When humbly asked if she had ever heard the phrase `` there is a consistent inconsistency between what people say they value and what they actually do , '' Liz became even angrier , went into a bipolar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ slaughter everybody within sight who disagreed with her .

Sources recently confirmed that the LGBTQ community across the United States was in an uproar last week, over the fact that that some average, middle-class, heterosexual males with penises and creative thoughts are actually still alive.
Screaming, baffled, and outraged that there still remain a few men out there who actually have a desire for women (and who occasionally have creative thoughts), protestors in liberal cities across the United States threw signs on the ground, and then began firebombing gyms, book stores, and 'recently-opened' taverns during a terrifying uproar that sent un-biased crowds of people looking for shelter.
Unable to fathom the reality that every individual is flawed in some way or another, and that the human race may actually have to work together in order to achieve better things, the LGBTQ community effectively organized and then began hunting down those they deem to be 'politically-incorrect,"...unprogressive,"...and 'unfit' for the future.
Foaming at the mouth, and extraordinarily upset that some average males with penises and creative thoughts are actually still relentlessly poisoning the Earth with their works of literature, their conservative opinions, and their voices, lead organizer, Liz Fem, 39, screamed at the top of her lungs before stating that the LGBTQ community stands for everything that is solid, just, true, and perfect.
"Women (and 'non-identity' people who have had their genitals surgically sliced off in order to significantly alter their personalities) never do anything wrong, and there is no such thing as an average male who has been pushed around and bullied by society!" she stated, as her teeth grew sharper.
"We also DO NOT define ourselves solely based on who we choose to sleep with," she ferociously added, before punching a lead reporter directly in the mouth for making the idiotic statement that the LGBTQ community is about as mature, original, and spiritually-developed as a bunch of insecure college students who are stuck in a dormitory together while their exhausted parents keep paying their tuition bills.
"WE ARE HERE, AND YOU WILL ALL BE FORCED TO DEAL WITH IT, GOD-DAMNIT!!" she then roared, like a demonic behemoth from the 7th layer of Hell, as she grabbed a nearby heterosexual male who was simply walking down the street, before throwing him on the ground, stomping on him repeatedly, and pulling his heart out of his chest so that she could drink the blood dripping out of it.
When humbly asked if she had ever heard the phrase "there is a consistent inconsistency between what people say they value and what they actually do," Liz became even angrier, went into a bipolar mood swing, and proceeded to mercilessly slaughter everybody within sight who disagreed with her.


thespoof--2020-05-24--Biden says boiled baby remark too salty for his taste

Presidential nominee-to-be Joe Biden has responded to a columnist 's devotion to him over all other candidates , particularly Donald Trump .
The Nation 's Katha Pollitt recently stated she would support Biden “ if he boiled babies and ate them.
” This reference belongs to a trend in political circles in the past few years .
Bragging about personal charm , now includes evil acts that are in a lesser category to a candidate 's nearly-hypnotic power over others .
During his run for the presidency , for example , Mr. Trump is rumored to have said he could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and get away with it .
Measurement of personal glory is important to our leaders .
Recall Mr. Trump 's comments on his brain and its superb qualities .
However , Ms. Pollitt has implied that Mr. Trump is so disgusting as a leader , even were Mr. Biden to add boiled , buttered , and salted babies to his dinner menu , she would still have devotion for him .
Might this philosophical view be a colorful version of “ Any port in a storm ” ?
`` No , no , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Ms. Pollitt responded .
“ Were Mr. Biden to engage in this practice -- despite our personal taste -- well , he is in a superior position !
He could be president !
” “ He knows better than we lesser mortals , and so therefore we salute him , we honor him , we worship him !
” “ Look , I understand Ms. Pollitt got this recipe from somewhere , all right ?
” “ I think it was from this old time dude , way back named Jonathan Swift .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ thing called ' A Modest Proposal ' . ''
`` My understanding is , this is a cookbook you ca n't go wrong with !
” “ No , no , no , Mr. Biden .
It 's not a cookbook .
It 's a satirical essay on boiling babies to alleviate famine and general problems for the populace .
.
.
The analogy for today would be you politicians and your ruinous policies are causing deaths needlessly.
” “ Oh , well , in that case I 'm a little disappointed .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ was looking at -- ” “ Well , yes , I mean thanks to Ms. Pollitt for trying to help me out here , but so much salt in that recipe , I just ca n't handle that.
” “ Otherwise , I 'm open , I like to try out different possibilities .
What 's wrong with that ? ''

Presidential nominee-to-be Joe Biden has responded to a columnist's devotion to him over all other candidates, particularly Donald Trump.
The Nation's Katha Pollitt recently stated she would support Biden “if he boiled babies and ate them.”
This reference belongs to a trend in political circles in the past few years.
Bragging about personal charm, now includes evil acts that are in a lesser category to a candidate's nearly-hypnotic power over others.
During his run for the presidency, for example, Mr. Trump is rumored to have said he could shoot somebody on Broadway in broad daylight and get away with it.
Measurement of personal glory is important to our leaders. Recall Mr. Trump's comments on his brain and its superb qualities.
However, Ms. Pollitt has implied that Mr. Trump is so disgusting as a leader, even were Mr. Biden to add boiled, buttered, and salted babies to his dinner menu, she would still have devotion for him.
Might this philosophical view be a colorful version of “Any port in a storm”?
"No, no, no,” an anonymous spokesperson for Ms. Pollitt responded.
“Were Mr. Biden to engage in this practice--despite our personal taste--well, he is in a superior position! He could be president!”
“He knows better than we lesser mortals, and so therefore we salute him, we honor him, we worship him!”
Mr. Biden:
“Look, I understand Ms. Pollitt got this recipe from somewhere, all right?”
“Ah, Mr. Biden--”
“I think it was from this old time dude, way back named Jonathan Swift. Or something? He put out this thing called 'A Modest Proposal'."
"My understanding is, this is a cookbook you can't go wrong with!”
“No, no, no, Mr. Biden. It's not a cookbook. It's a satirical essay on boiling babies to alleviate famine and general problems for the populace . . . The analogy for today would be you politicians and your ruinous policies are causing deaths needlessly.”
“Oh, well, in that case I'm a little disappointed. But I must say the recipe I was looking at--”
“Mr. Biden?”
“Well, yes, I mean thanks to Ms. Pollitt for trying to help me out here, but so much salt in that recipe, I just can't handle that.”
“Ah . . ."
“Otherwise, I'm open, I like to try out different possibilities. What's wrong with that?"


thespoof--2020-05-24--Was Slim Everdingle Divinely Inspired?

Was Slim Everdingle Divinely Inspired?

BILLINGSGATE POST : Although a spokesman for The Church of Rightful Indignation stood by his statement that church member Slim Everdingle claimed to be on first-name terms with God , he conceded that the Slim was using a figure of speech when declaring that `` God and I call each other by our first names .
“ I call him God , and he calls me Slim.
” Detrick “ Dirty Trick ” Detwiler , crack reporter for the BILLINGSGATE POST , wrote that in August 2019 , he overheard Slim tell a lap dancer at the Beauty Is Only @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me to end the tyranny between my conscience and my libido .
How about a lap dance ? ''
Mr. Everdingle quickly issued a terse denial last night , dismissing the comments as `` absurd . ''
Cleotus Earlbeck , the spokesman for the church , said that Slim , although a devout Christian , `` never said that . ''
Mr. Detwiler , whose interview was recorded , today stood by his recollection of the conversation , but accepted that the statement he claims to have heard might have not been meant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ figure of speech ( by Slim Everdingle ) .
I felt that he was saying that he had a mission , a commitment that God was really inspiring him ... rather than a metaphysical whisper in his ear , '' he related .
Slim , who doesn ’ t mask his contempt for hypocrites of any stripe , was once quoted as saying : `` I believe that God wants me to bring down the liberal leftist trash.
” In spite of that , he is a devout Christian , and makes no @ @ @ @ @ @ @ while fighting the forces of evil .
Pope Francis weighed in : `` If Mr. Everdingle really wants to obey God during his mission on Earth , perhaps he should start with what is blindingly obvious from the Bible , rather than his perception of supernatural messages .
That would lead him to the less glamorous business of taking care of the needs of the poor , the downtrodden and the marginalized , rather than squandering his money on lap dances . ''
Last month , senior members of the Church of Rightful @ @ @ @ @ @ @ `` moral righteousness '' .
The bishops of that church said in their report : `` There is no uniquely righteous soothsayer .
No man should see himself as the redeemer , singled out by God as part of his providential plan . ''

BILLINGSGATE POST: Although a spokesman for The Church of Rightful Indignation stood by his statement that church member Slim Everdingle claimed to be on first-name terms with God, he conceded that the Slim was using a figure of speech when declaring that "God and I call each other by our first names. “I call him God, and he calls me Slim.”
Detrick “Dirty Trick” Detwiler, crack reporter for the BILLINGSGATE POST, wrote that in August 2019, he overheard Slim tell a lap dancer at the Beauty Is Only Skin Deep Club; "God told me to end the tyranny between my conscience and my libido. How about a lap dance?"
Mr. Everdingle quickly issued a terse denial last night, dismissing the comments as "absurd." Cleotus Earlbeck, the spokesman for the church, said that Slim, although a devout Christian, "never said that."
Mr. Detwiler, whose interview was recorded, today stood by his recollection of the conversation, but accepted that the statement he claims to have heard might have not been meant literally.
"It was really a figure of speech (by Slim Everdingle). I felt that he was saying that he had a mission, a commitment that God was really inspiring him...rather than a metaphysical whisper in his ear," he related.
Slim, who doesn’t mask his contempt for hypocrites of any stripe, was once quoted as saying: "I believe that God wants me to bring down the liberal leftist trash.” In spite of that, he is a devout Christian, and makes no secret of calling on God for strength while fighting the forces of evil.
Pope Francis weighed in: "If Mr. Everdingle really wants to obey God during his mission on Earth, perhaps he should start with what is blindingly obvious from the Bible, rather than his perception of supernatural messages. That would lead him to the less glamorous business of taking care of the needs of the poor, the downtrodden and the marginalized, rather than squandering his money on lap dances."
Last month, senior members of the Church of Rightful Indignation questioned Slim’s sense of "moral righteousness". The bishops of that church said in their report: "There is no uniquely righteous soothsayer. No man should see himself as the redeemer, singled out by God as part of his providential plan."
Slim: “Being divinely inspired has its drawbacks.”
Dirty: “Yo, Dude. Nuff said.”


thespoof--2020-05-24--A Hairstylist in Iowa Exposes 317 Clients To The Coronavirus

SIOUX CITY , Iowa – One of the most uncaring , negligent individuals in the entire nation has just been @ @ @ @ @ , 40 , who has worked as a hairstylist at the Hair Today , Gone @ @ @ @ @ years , told authorities that he wore a mask , gloves , ear plugs , @ @ @ @ @ a condom , as he cut , colored , and styled hair .
He said @ @ @ @ @ shocked as anyone , when he found out that he had infected a total of @ @ @ @ @ , along with a support chicken .
The long-time hairstylist commented to the authorities that @ @ @ @ @ was an intermittent burp , which he took care of with two placebo pills .
@ @ @ @ @ all of his clients ' money , and give each one a 70 % discount @ @ @ @

SIOUX CITY, Iowa – One of the most uncaring, negligent individuals in the entire nation has just been arrested.
Spaulding K. Pintucker, 40, who has worked as a hairstylist at the Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow Hair Saloon for 18 years, told authorities that he wore a mask, gloves, ear plugs, nose plugs, and even a condom, as he cut, colored, and styled hair.
He said that he was just as shocked as anyone, when he found out that he had infected a total of 317 of his regular clients, along with a support chicken.
The long-time hairstylist commented to the authorities that the only symptom he had was an intermittent burp, which he took care of with two placebo pills.
Pintucker has offered to return all of his clients' money, and give each one a 70% discount on future appointments.


thespoof--2020-05-24--A 97-Year-Old Great-Great-Grandmother is Arrested for Making Coronavirus Masks Out of Her Granny Pan

A 97-Year-Old Great-Great-Grandmother is Arrested for Making Coronavirus Masks Out of Her Granny Panties

TOAD SUCK , Arkansas – The local television station reported that police received a call about a very unusual situation .
A police officer with the Toad Suck Police Department paid a visit to 97-year-old retired seamstress , Minnie Faye Titlaufer .
It appears that one of her neighbors turned Minnie Faye in , for sewing Coronavirus medical masks made out of hundreds of her old size 22 , used granny panties .
Titlaufer told TSPD Officer Sinclair Flagstaff , that she was just trying to raise money to get braces for her dog , Sylvester , and her parrot @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s teeth and the parrot ’ s teeth , and he definitely saw that both of them had a pronounced overbite .
Flagstaff felt sorry for Mrs. Titlaufer , who was wearing empty Kleenex boxes for shoes , and a necklace made out of ring tabs .
She asked him if he was going to arrest her .
He said that legally he had to , but he told her he would release her immediately on her own personal recognizance .
Flagstaff asked her how much she sells the masks for , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Minnie Fay replied “ $ 4 each.
” And added that she had 17 masks .
Officer Flagstaff took out his checkbook , and wrote her out a check for $ 500 .
Minnie Faye was extremely grateful .
And with tears welling up in her eyes , she offered him a bite out of her tuna fish sandwich .

TOAD SUCK, Arkansas – The local television station reported that police received a call about a very unusual situation.
A police officer with the Toad Suck Police Department paid a visit to 97-year-old retired seamstress, Minnie Faye Titlaufer.
It appears that one of her neighbors turned Minnie Faye in, for sewing Coronavirus medical masks made out of hundreds of her old size 22, used granny panties.
Titlaufer told TSPD Officer Sinclair Flagstaff, that she was just trying to raise money to get braces for her dog, Sylvester, and her parrot Sacajawea.
The officer checked the dog’s teeth and the parrot’s teeth, and he definitely saw that both of them had a pronounced overbite.
Flagstaff felt sorry for Mrs. Titlaufer, who was wearing empty Kleenex boxes for shoes, and a necklace made out of ring tabs.
She asked him if he was going to arrest her. He said that legally he had to, but he told her he would release her immediately on her own personal recognizance.
Flagstaff asked her how much she sells the masks for, and how many she had on hand. Minnie Fay replied “$4 each.” And added that she had 17 masks.
Officer Flagstaff took out his checkbook, and wrote her out a check for $500.
Minnie Faye was extremely grateful. And with tears welling up in her eyes, she offered him a bite out of her tuna fish sandwich.
"Thank you sweetie. I'm good."


thespoof--2020-05-24--President Trump is Furious with Kayleigh McEnany and He’s Threatened to Fire Her

WASHINGTON , D.C. – Kayleigh McEnany ’ s tenure as the White House press secretary may be coming to an end , and sooner than later .
The little “ Christmas Elf ” went and put her size 6 elf shoe in her size 10 Barbie mouth .
During her regular press conference jousting session with the members of the media , Miss McEnany suddenly held up a copy of the President 's personal bank check .
One could hear a collective “ What the eff ?
” as she proudly showed the President ’ s check to the reporters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Well , so much for the blonde munchkin ” , “ How old is she , six ?
” , and “ Bye , Felicia ” .
Within seconds , POTUS was texting her asking : “ Hey , bitch , what the hell are you doing ?
” “ You just showed my private bank account number and my bank routing number to the entire nation , and probably even billions of people in China and San Francisco.
” Bank experts throughout America and Switzerland , quickly commented that a hacker @ @ @ @ @ @ @ seconds , hack into all of “ The Colluder-in-Chief ’ s '' personal accounts .
They pointed out any second-rate hacker can easily find out Trump ’ s social security number , his credit card numbers , his income tax returns , his birth certificate , and even the unlisted number of former inamorata Stormy “ The $ 150,000 P.O.A ” Daniels .
Trump ’ s lawyer has stated that it ’ s a good thing that 97 % of the explicit photos in his account have been “ Blue Dotted .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. – Kayleigh McEnany’s tenure as the White House press secretary may be coming to an end, and sooner than later.
The little “Christmas Elf” went and put her size 6 elf shoe in her size 10 Barbie mouth.
During her regular press conference jousting session with the members of the media, Miss McEnany suddenly held up a copy of the President's personal bank check.
One could hear a collective “What the eff?” as she proudly showed the President’s check to the reporters, who could be heard whispering, “Well, so much for the blonde munchkin”, “How old is she, six?”, and “Bye, Felicia”.
Within seconds, POTUS was texting her asking: “Hey, bitch, what the hell are you doing?”
“You just showed my private bank account number and my bank routing number to the entire nation, and probably even billions of people in China and San Francisco.”
Kayleigh turned as red as a Colorado red carnation.
Bank experts throughout America and Switzerland, quickly commented that a hacker with half a brain could, within seconds, hack into all of “The Colluder-in-Chief’s" personal accounts.
They pointed out any second-rate hacker can easily find out Trump’s social security number, his credit card numbers, his income tax returns, his birth certificate, and even the unlisted number of former inamorata Stormy “The $150,000 P.O.A” Daniels.
Trump’s lawyer has stated that it’s a good thing that 97% of the explicit photos in his account have been “Blue Dotted.”


thespoof--2020-05-24--President Trump Throws His Ex-Attorney General Jeff Sessions Under The Bus (Again)

WASHINGTON , D.C. -President Trump has always said that he is the most loyal person in the world .
Radio shock jock , Howard Stern , stated that two ex-wives and a present wife would probably disagree with him quicker than the time it takes a gnat to burp .
It ’ s clearly documented that “ Trump the Chump ” cheated on first wife , Ivanna , and then he cheated on second wife , Marla , and then he cheated on his present wife , Melania , with none other than the infamous Stormy “ The Spanker ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ several books , that Stormy revealed that `` Baby Fingers '' liked to be spanked with a rolled-up copy of the National Enquirer .
And , as Howard Stern so eloquently put it , “ It ’ s a damn good thing that it wasn ’ t the freakin ’ Webster ’ s Dictionary , because it would have left a welt and maybe even a scar . ''
And now POTUS has demanded that the voters of Alabama not vote for Sessions in his Senate bid .
He wants them to , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Tommy “ Jock Strap ” Tuberville , who used to coach men ’ s badminton at Johnny Reb Jr. College in Burnt Corn , Alabama .
Sessions will soon be putting out his own anti-Trump book , tentatively titled , “ My Time at The Damn White House With Trump – I Think That I Would Have Rather Spent It In a Friggin ’ Alligator and Mosquito-Infested Bayou Swamp Down in Louisiana .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. -President Trump has always said that he is the most loyal person in the world.
Radio shock jock, Howard Stern, stated that two ex-wives and a present wife would probably disagree with him quicker than the time it takes a gnat to burp.
It’s clearly documented that “Trump the Chump” cheated on first wife, Ivanna, and then he cheated on second wife, Marla, and then he cheated on his present wife, Melania, with none other than the infamous Stormy “The Spanker” Daniels.
It has been written in several books, that Stormy revealed that "Baby Fingers" liked to be spanked with a rolled-up copy of the National Enquirer.
And, as Howard Stern so eloquently put it, “It’s a damn good thing that it wasn’t the freakin’ Webster’s Dictionary, because it would have left a welt and maybe even a scar."
And now POTUS has demanded that the voters of Alabama not vote for Sessions in his Senate bid.
He wants them to, instead, vote for his man crush, Tommy “Jock Strap” Tuberville, who used to coach men’s badminton at Johnny Reb Jr. College in Burnt Corn, Alabama.
Sessions will soon be putting out his own anti-Trump book, tentatively titled, “My Time at The Damn White House With Trump – I Think That I Would Have Rather Spent It In a Friggin’ Alligator and Mosquito-Infested Bayou Swamp Down in Louisiana.”


thespoof--2020-05-25--Presidential Historians Agree That Trump Will Forever Be Known As The Electoral College President

CHICAGO – A group of leading presidential historians recently met in the Windy City to discuss # 45 ’ s legacy .
And , to the man ( and woman ) , they all agreed that it will definitely be nothing to be proud of .
For one thing , he will have an asterisk beside his name signifying that he actually lost the election by over 3 million popular votes .
So they all agree that he will be looked upon as the “ Electoral College Fake President ” .
He will also be known as the biggest liar @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , with over 18,000 lies to his credit ( so far ) .
When Trump leaves office in January of 2021 , he will have spent a total of 4,704 hours playing golf and 7,303 hours tweeting .
He will also have used the word witchcraft over 7,000 times , the word hoax over 7,200 , and the phrase , “ I did not collude with Russia ” over 6,900 times .
The President , who literally has more nicknames than all of the other presidents combined , spends a lot more time @ @ @ @ @ @ @ golf , smoking , and , of course , lying , than actually performing presidential duties .

CHICAGO – A group of leading presidential historians recently met in the Windy City to discuss #45’s legacy.
And, to the man (and woman), they all agreed that it will definitely be nothing to be proud of.
For one thing, he will have an asterisk beside his name signifying that he actually lost the election by over 3 million popular votes.
So they all agree that he will be looked upon as the “Electoral College Fake President”.
He will also be known as the biggest liar to ever sit in the Oval office, with over 18,000 lies to his credit (so far).
When Trump leaves office in January of 2021, he will have spent a total of 4,704 hours playing golf and 7,303 hours tweeting.
He will also have used the word witchcraft over 7,000 times, the word hoax over 7,200, and the phrase, “I did not collude with Russia” over 6,900 times.
The President, who literally has more nicknames than all of the other presidents combined, spends a lot more time tweeting, eating, drinking, playing golf, smoking, and, of course, lying, than actually performing presidential duties.


thespoof--2020-05-25--Trump Plays Golf and Shoots a 98, But Instructs His Caddy to Write Down 81

STERLING , Virginia – Somehow , President Donald Trump found time to play a round of golf yesterday , instead of trying to deal with the biggest pandemic disaster in the history of the world .
And how convenient that the golf course he picked to play on was one of his own , The Trump Quasi National Exclusive Golf Course , which , of course , raked in all kinds of government money .
Several individuals kept close tabs on # 45 , and they all saw that he shot a 98 , but he instructed his caddy to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ recently said Trump is such an egotist , that he has to put his name on everything .
He smiled , and remarked , `` I understand that he even has his name tattooed on his bibbidy boo . ''
Colbert giggled as he emphasized that his “ bb ” only had enough room for the `` T '' and the `` R '' .
Before he left for the golf course , Melania asked him , “ Are ju keeding me , Bozo boy , I was agoing tu sess tu ju @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but I knows better.
” A maid heard him yell at her , “ Look , cutie , you better stop making me seem like I ’ m some kind of mean , arrogant , sarcastic , damned , lying son-of-a-bitch bully.
” “ Well , is tu late , chit for brains , ju deed dat pretty damn good by jurself .
”

STERLING, Virginia – Somehow, President Donald Trump found time to play a round of golf yesterday, instead of trying to deal with the biggest pandemic disaster in the history of the world.
And how convenient that the golf course he picked to play on was one of his own, The Trump Quasi National Exclusive Golf Course, which, of course, raked in all kinds of government money.
Several individuals kept close tabs on #45, and they all saw that he shot a 98, but he instructed his caddy to mark down an 81.
Stephen Colbert recently said Trump is such an egotist, that he has to put his name on everything. He smiled, and remarked, "I understand that he even has his name tattooed on his bibbidy boo."
Colbert giggled as he emphasized that his “bb” only had enough room for the "T" and the "R".
Before he left for the golf course, Melania asked him, “Are ju keeding me, Bozo boy, I was agoing tu sess tu ju dat ju got some big balls, but I knows better.”
A maid heard him yell at her, “Look, cutie, you better stop making me seem like I’m some kind of mean, arrogant, sarcastic, damned, lying son-of-a-bitch bully.”
“Well, is tu late, chit for brains, ju deed dat pretty damn good by jurself.”


thespoof--2020-05-25--Extremely Pissed-Off Women From Numerous Dating Sites Finally Find Where Man Too Cheap To Use Credit

Extremely Pissed-Off Women From Numerous Dating Sites Finally Find Where Man Too Cheap To Use Credit Card Actually Lives Before Pulling Him Out Of His House And Beating The Shit Out Of Him

Roger Crobb , 39 , of Grand Rapids , Michigan , was pulled out of his house last Thursday , and nearly pummeled to death by 23 women who successfully combined their resources and their intellects in order to find out where the cheap , sleazy , non-committal bastard actually lives .
`` Oh , my God ! ''
... `` Please , no ! ''
... `` Not now , I 'm busy ! ''
... and ... `` I just do n't feel ready for anything serious at this point in my life ! ''
were just a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ as he was about to join Plenty of Fish.com , before he was pulled away from his laptop and then thrown out onto grass in front of his peaceful residence .
`` You looked really cute ! ''
... '' Your statements indicated that you were looking for a one and only true love !
`` ... and `` Why were n't you willing to pay a small monthly fee in order to take this relationship to a higher level ? ''
screamed several women , ranging from E-Harmony , Christian Mingle , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Match.com , and a few pornographic sites .
Unwilling to accept the fact that he was just drunk at the time , and did n't really know what he was doing , the gorgeous and single women who felt emotionally-used and totally abandoned by the cheap prick during his unholy ' 7-to-10-year stretch ' of idealistically wandering the internet in search of a soul-mate , finally pounded the ever-living shit out of him , as neighbors and people walking down the street celebrated with joy .
`` I 'm glad they finally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ 65-year-old neighbor , Eunice White , who admitted that she had grown more than tired of Crobb 's careless use of google search engines and Facebook in order to gaze helplessly at single , middle-aged , divorced women who may actually be able to balance him out emotionally and psychologically .
`` He always took a brief hiatus on Mondays through Thursdays , before tanking himself completely on Friday evenings while refusing to use his credit card to actually meet somebody special with whom he could be intimately involved , '' she added @ @ @ @ @ @ @ was wildly ( and desperately ) screaming for help across the street .
When the horrifying beatings were finally over , Roger limped back into his house , confessed to himself that he would be a changed man from now on , and then drank some more beer before discovering that Silver Singles is actually a 4.5 star dating site with well over 10,000 users .

Roger Crobb, 39, of Grand Rapids, Michigan, was pulled out of his house last Thursday, and nearly pummeled to death by 23 women who successfully combined their resources and their intellects in order to find out where the cheap, sleazy, non-committal bastard actually lives.
"Oh, my God!"..."Please, no!"..."Not now, I'm busy!" ...and... "I just don't feel ready for anything serious at this point in my life!" were just a few of the statements he pathetically uttered as he was about to join Plenty of Fish.com, before he was pulled away from his laptop and then thrown out onto grass in front of his peaceful residence.
"You looked really cute!" ..."Your statements indicated that you were looking for a one and only true love!"...and "Why weren't you willing to pay a small monthly fee in order to take this relationship to a higher level?" screamed several women, ranging from E-Harmony, Christian Mingle, J-Date, Educated Singles Only, Tinder, Match.com, and a few pornographic sites.
Unwilling to accept the fact that he was just drunk at the time, and didn't really know what he was doing, the gorgeous and single women who felt emotionally-used and totally abandoned by the cheap prick during his unholy '7-to-10-year stretch' of idealistically wandering the internet in search of a soul-mate, finally pounded the ever-living shit out of him, as neighbors and people walking down the street celebrated with joy.
"I'm glad they finally caught up with him," said 65-year-old neighbor, Eunice White, who admitted that she had grown more than tired of Crobb's careless use of google search engines and Facebook in order to gaze helplessly at single, middle-aged, divorced women who may actually be able to balance him out emotionally and psychologically.
"He always took a brief hiatus on Mondays through Thursdays, before tanking himself completely on Friday evenings while refusing to use his credit card to actually meet somebody special with whom he could be intimately involved," she added, as her neighbor of 15 years was wildly (and desperately) screaming for help across the street.
When the horrifying beatings were finally over, Roger limped back into his house, confessed to himself that he would be a changed man from now on, and then drank some more beer before discovering that Silver Singles is actually a 4.5 star dating site with well over 10,000 users.


thespoof--2020-05-26--Why Trump Must Give Up Golf

Why Trump Must Give Up Golf

Anonymous Democratic congresspeople said today that they wished Trump would stay off his golf courses .
Said one , “ The exercise he gets playing golf helps keep his morbidly obese body and brain functioning .
I want him to be completely sedentary , eating his fried chicken , french fries , greasy onion rings , huge Big Macs and massive desserts .
That way he will sort of fade away , the fatty tissue in his brain making him unable to think and stop destroying our democracy.
” Another representative agreed .
She said that Trump ’ s cheating @ @ @ @ @ @ @ how to cleverly lie to his golfing partners .
“ We don ’ t want him thinking .
Just let him go on saying whatever comes into his so-called mind at press conferences .
He really hasn ’ t done anything thoughtful in years .
It ’ s just his strange , dark id speaking .
If he stops playing golf , which exercises what ’ s left of his mind , its total atrophy is postponed , and he ’ ll be able to campaign against Biden and keep flattering Putin and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
There seems to be some evidence that the congresspeople are right about the President 's brain decay .
Observers have noted that Trump has the attention span of a gnat , unable to even concentrate on daily intelligence briefings which are watered down to the level of a third-grader .
“ Severe inability to concentrate is a sign of significant mental decay , ” said psychoanalyst , Greta Von Freud .
“ Golfing seems to postpone the total malfunction of a morbidly obese brain .
We need to put whatever is left @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he passes .
It will make a fascinating study for future generations , '' she concluded .

Anonymous Democratic congresspeople said today that they wished Trump would stay off his golf courses. Said one, “The exercise he gets playing golf helps keep his morbidly obese body and brain functioning. I want him to be completely sedentary, eating his fried chicken, french fries, greasy onion rings, huge Big Macs and massive desserts. That way he will sort of fade away, the fatty tissue in his brain making him unable to think and stop destroying our democracy.”
Another representative agreed. She said that Trump’s cheating at golf challenges his brain to think how to cleverly lie to his golfing partners. “We don’t want him thinking. Just let him go on saying whatever comes into his so-called mind at press conferences. He really hasn’t done anything thoughtful in years. It’s just his strange, dark id speaking. If he stops playing golf, which exercises what’s left of his mind, its total atrophy is postponed, and he’ll be able to campaign against Biden and keep flattering Putin and other dictators,” said the congresswoman.
There seems to be some evidence that the congresspeople are right about the President's brain decay. Observers have noted that Trump has the attention span of a gnat, unable to even concentrate on daily intelligence briefings which are watered down to the level of a third-grader. “Severe inability to concentrate is a sign of significant mental decay,” said psychoanalyst, Greta Von Freud. “Golfing seems to postpone the total malfunction of a morbidly obese brain. We need to put whatever is left of his brain in a jar when he passes. It will make a fascinating study for future generations," she concluded.


thespoof--2020-05-26--President Trump Proclaims He Knows More Than the Weather Forecasters

WASHINGTON , D.C. - With hurricane season already here , it did not take the nation ’ s official leader long to chime in with his know-it-all knowledge .
Trump actually called the Chicago Daily Wind newspaper and said that he has figured out a way in which a hurricane can actually help the Coronavirus situation .
When asked to explain , he said that it is being predicted that at least seven hurricanes will make landfall in the US mainland this hurricane season .
So Trump notes that , with his geometric contingent calculations , he figures that , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the power of the wind will blow all of the Coronavirus flu germs out of the state and into Georgia .
Then , when it hits Georgia , it will do the same thing , and shove all the C-19 bacteria to South Carolina , and so on and so forth all the way up the eastern coastline .
Trump smiled as he said that he can not believe that none of our nation ’ s more than 1.6 million weather forecasters had not thought of his idea , which he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of his latest round of golf .
The Chicago Daily Wind was truly amazed at the genius of the man they loosely refer to as POTUS .

WASHINGTON, D.C. - With hurricane season already here, it did not take the nation’s official leader long to chime in with his know-it-all knowledge.
Trump actually called the Chicago Daily Wind newspaper and said that he has figured out a way in which a hurricane can actually help the Coronavirus situation.
When asked to explain, he said that it is being predicted that at least seven hurricanes will make landfall in the US mainland this hurricane season.
So Trump notes that, with his geometric contingent calculations, he figures that, if a hurricane hits say, Florida, the power of the wind will blow all of the Coronavirus flu germs out of the state and into Georgia.
Then, when it hits Georgia, it will do the same thing, and shove all the C-19 bacteria to South Carolina, and so on and so forth all the way up the eastern coastline.
Trump smiled as he said that he cannot believe that none of our nation’s more than 1.6 million weather forecasters had not thought of his idea, which he said came to him on the 13th hole of his latest round of golf.
The Chicago Daily Wind was truly amazed at the genius of the man they loosely refer to as POTUS.


thespoof--2020-05-26--A Sick Couple in Phoenix Names Their New Baby Timmy Hydroxychloroquine Finnweather

PHOENIX - Local authorities are looking into a situation where a young teenage couple has named their newborn baby boy @ @ @ @ @ sheriff ’ s department received an anonymous phone call from a nurse who helped deliver @ @ @ @ @ , baby boy .
The concerned nurse told Deputy Archer Orchid that the mom has @ @ @ @ @ on Flintstone Vitamins on three different occasions .
She then pointed out that the father @ @ @ @ @ buffalo wings dipped in Johnny Walker Red and Corona Extra Beer .
Deputy Orchid , @ @ @ @ @ fact that a couple would be so stupid as to name a baby Hydroxychloroquine , @ @ @ @ @ the baby taken away and placed in a nice home for unwed mothers .

PHOENIX - Local authorities are looking into a situation where a young teenage couple has named their newborn baby boy Timmy Hydroxychloroquine Finnweather.
The sheriff’s department received an anonymous phone call from a nurse who helped deliver the little 11-pound 3-ounce bouncing, baby boy.
The concerned nurse told Deputy Archer Orchid that the mom has been known to have overdosed on Flintstone Vitamins on three different occasions.
She then pointed out that the father admitted to being addicted to buffalo wings dipped in Johnny Walker Red and Corona Extra Beer.
Deputy Orchid, stated that, just the fact that a couple would be so stupid as to name a baby Hydroxychloroquine, is enough reason to have the baby taken away and placed in a nice home for unwed mothers.


thespoof--2020-05-26--It is Now Official: President Trump Hates Fox News More Than He Hates Don Lemon, Robert De Niro and

It is Now Official: President Trump Hates Fox News More Than He Hates Don Lemon, Robert De Niro and Megyn Kelly

WASHINGTON , D.C. – A White House insider has revealed that most of the president ’ s staff members are worried about his state of mind , which they say is turning into a bowl of Wheaties .
They point out that he is becoming more and more of a big , gigantic , stressed-out orange ball of hate .
All of his top advisers agree that his hatred for CNN has now turned into astounding hatred for Fox News , or , as many call it , Trump Central .
Two White House gardeners were even overheard saying that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he hates Don Lemon , Robert De Niro , and Megyn Kelly .
Don Lemon has pointed out that Trump is the biggest racist he has known since Alabama Governor George Wallace , who called himself the “ Plantation Master ” .
Robert De Niro said he does not want to wish him any harm , but if a meteorite were to hit him while he was on the golf course , he ( De Niro ) would simply say “ Damn , that must ’ ve hurt something awful.
” And Megyn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she had blood coming out of her whatchamacallit , simply said , “ DJT is a perfect example of a man with ‘ tiny dinky dink syndrome ” .
Trump did not mention Lemon or De Niro , but did make a point to say that someone told him that Megyn , the former Fox fox is going to have surgery to remove 6 ounces of cellulite from each thigh .

WASHINGTON, D.C. – A White House insider has revealed that most of the president’s staff members are worried about his state of mind, which they say is turning into a bowl of Wheaties.
They point out that he is becoming more and more of a big, gigantic, stressed-out orange ball of hate.
All of his top advisers agree that his hatred for CNN has now turned into astounding hatred for Fox News, or, as many call it, Trump Central.
Two White House gardeners were even overheard saying that Trump now hates Fox News more than he hates Don Lemon, Robert De Niro, and Megyn Kelly.
Don Lemon has pointed out that Trump is the biggest racist he has known since Alabama Governor George Wallace, who called himself the “Plantation Master”.
Robert De Niro said he does not want to wish him any harm, but if a meteorite were to hit him while he was on the golf course, he (De Niro) would simply say “Damn, that must’ve hurt something awful.”
And Megyn Kelly, about whom Trump once said she had blood coming out of her whatchamacallit, simply said, “DJT is a perfect example of a man with ‘tiny dinky dink syndrome”.
Trump did not mention Lemon or De Niro, but did make a point to say that someone told him that Megyn, the former Fox fox is going to have surgery to remove 6 ounces of cellulite from each thigh.


thespoof--2020-05-26--Hard-Core Republican Ann Coulter Turns on Trump and Tears Him a New One

BOSTON – Far-right media pundit , Ann Coulter , was in Boston taking care of a personal medical condition .
She was asked what she thought about Trump in regards to the presidency .
And Coulter proceeded to tear POTUS a new one .
Ann , who is as Republican as they come , cleared her throat and said that , truth be told , the President is a cheap , third-rate douche bag who is addicted to golf , fast food , loose women , lying , and grabbing women ’ s private parts .
The 58-year-old remarked that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is no doubt in her mind that he will lose in November , and in a landslide vote at that .
The dishwater blonde drinking straw said she heard that even his middle son Eric is going to vote for Joe Biden .
Coulter then stated that it has not sunk into the reality show star ’ s brain that the Republicans are also going to lose the Senate , thanks to his bullying tactics .
She went on to say that , when that happens , president-elect Joey Biden will immediately cancel @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Orders that DJT signed .
Coulter emphasized that sweet Melania will divorce him faster than it takes a chicken to cackle .
She then noted that his devoted base will finally turn on him .
Ann Coulter shook her head saying that if there is any justice , Trump will be forced to move to Macadamia , Siberia , or better yet Kenya .

BOSTON – Far-right media pundit, Ann Coulter, was in Boston taking care of a personal medical condition.
She was asked what she thought about Trump in regards to the presidency. And Coulter proceeded to tear POTUS a new one.
Ann, who is as Republican as they come, cleared her throat and said that, truth be told, the President is a cheap, third-rate douche bag who is addicted to golf, fast food, loose women, lying, and grabbing women’s private parts.
The 58-year-old remarked that the way Trump is misbehaving, there is no doubt in her mind that he will lose in November, and in a landslide vote at that.
The dishwater blonde drinking straw said she heard that even his middle son Eric is going to vote for Joe Biden.
Coulter then stated that it has not sunk into the reality show star’s brain that the Republicans are also going to lose the Senate, thanks to his bullying tactics.
She went on to say that, when that happens, president-elect Joey Biden will immediately cancel all of the thousands of Presidential Executive Orders that DJT signed.
Coulter emphasized that sweet Melania will divorce him faster than it takes a chicken to cackle. She then noted that his devoted base will finally turn on him.
Ann Coulter shook her head saying that if there is any justice, Trump will be forced to move to Macadamia, Siberia, or better yet Kenya.


thespoof--2020-05-27--Architect Criticized Over Horrendous City Planning

Residents of a town in the mid-West , have severely criticized the work of an architect whose restructuring of their streets has left them scratching their heads in puzzlement .
The architect , whose name has been withheld pending an investigation , has drawn up plans to redesign the whole town center of Matville , into a `` new and gleaming model of how urban centers will look in the future '' .
But those who live there are n't happy .
Many say the lack of something as basic as a hospital - especially during times such as the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ smacks of moral negligence , and sticking a fire station in the center of town , where traffic tends to accumulate , will only delay fire trucks scrambling to get to the scene of a blaze .
The crowning glory of the disastrous redesign of Matville , however , is the plan to site an airport close to the city center , near shopping and residential areas , inviting catastrophe when aircraft take off and land .
`` It looks like it 's been designed for a bunch of children ! ''
`` @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for a bunch of children ! ''
`` I think those old faggots should shut the fuck up .
I think it 's great ! ''

Residents of a town in the mid-West, have severely criticized the work of an architect whose restructuring of their streets has left them scratching their heads in puzzlement.
The architect, whose name has been withheld pending an investigation, has drawn up plans to redesign the whole town center of Matville, into a "new and gleaming model of how urban centers will look in the future".
But those who live there aren't happy.
Many say the lack of something as basic as a hospital - especially during times such as the present, with the Coronavirus threat - smacks of moral negligence, and sticking a fire station in the center of town, where traffic tends to accumulate, will only delay fire trucks scrambling to get to the scene of a blaze.
The crowning glory of the disastrous redesign of Matville, however, is the plan to site an airport close to the city center, near shopping and residential areas, inviting catastrophe when aircraft take off and land.
One resident, Dan Dingbat, 64, said:
"It looks like it's been designed for a bunch of children!"
Others agreed. Bill Bobbins, 91, said:
"It looks like it's been designed for a bunch of children!"
But Timmy Thompson, 5, said:
"I think those old faggots should shut the fuck up. I think it's great!"