theborowitzreport--2020-12-14--Horrible Student Rejected by College

Horrible Student Rejected by College

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a widely expected outcome , a horrible student was rejected by a college @ @ @ @ @ ’ s decision to reject the student was unsurprising given his poor performance in such @ @ @ @ @ math , history , and spelling .
Although the student was reportedly taking his rejection @ @ @ @ @ said that the news should have come as no surprise .
“ He was told @ @ @ @ @ getting in more than a month ago , ” the spokesperson said .
“ This @ @ @ @ @ Having failed to get accepted by the college , the student is expected to live @ @ @ @ @ job in a business started by his dad .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a widely expected outcome, a horrible student was rejected by a college on Monday.
The college’s decision to reject the student was unsurprising given his poor performance in such important subjects as science, math, history, and spelling.
Although the student was reportedly taking his rejection badly, a college spokesperson said that the news should have come as no surprise.
“He was told that he wasn’t getting in more than a month ago,” the spokesperson said. “This was just a formality.”
Having failed to get accepted by the college, the student is expected to live at home and take a job in a business started by his dad.


theborowitzreport--2020-12-15--McConnell Congratulates Neil Armstrong on Walking on Moon

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —On Tuesday morning , Senator Mitch McConnell officially congratulated the late Neil Armstrong on @ @ @ @ @ walk on the moon .
Speaking from the well of the Senate , McConnell said @ @ @ @ @ congratulations ” for his heroic feat .
“ Mr .
Armstrong , by setting foot @ @ @ @ @ have served our country well , and I hope all Americans will join me in @ @ @ @ @ said .
The belated nature of McConnell ’ s congratulations raised eyebrows in Washington , @ @ @ @ @ fifty-one years after the Apollo 11 mission .
But , according to an aide to @ @ @ @ @ wanted to be sure that the moon “ had been officially walked on ” before @ @ @ @ @ of McConnell ’ s comments remains unclear , however , with many congressional Republicans still @ @ @ @ @ Armstrong walked on the moon .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On Tuesday morning, Senator Mitch McConnell officially congratulated the late Neil Armstrong on becoming the first person to walk on the moon.
Speaking from the well of the Senate, McConnell said that Armstrong “deserves our congratulations” for his heroic feat.
“Mr. Armstrong, by setting foot on the moon, you have served our country well, and I hope all Americans will join me in congratulating you,” McConnell said.
The belated nature of McConnell’s congratulations raised eyebrows in Washington, coming as they did some fifty-one years after the Apollo 11 mission.
But, according to an aide to the Majority Leader, McConnell wanted to be sure that the moon “had been officially walked on” before congratulating Armstrong.
The effect of McConnell’s comments remains unclear, however, with many congressional Republicans still refusing to acknowledge that Neil Armstrong walked on the moon.


theborowitzreport--2020-12-18--Betsy DeVos Warns That Biden Will Pick Education Secretary with Background in Education

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling the prospect a “ nightmare scenario , ” Betsy DeVos warned that President-elect Joe Biden will pick an Education Secretary with a background in education .
The outgoing Education Secretary warned that putting someone with a “ pro-education bias ” in her job would be like “ naming a fox to be Secretary of Hens.
” “ For the past four years , I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education , ” she said .
“ It deeply saddens me to think that all of my hard work will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , she said , Biden may name a “ knowledgeable person ” to replace her , a decision she called “ disastrous.
” “ In order to be impartial toward education , an Education Secretary must be as ignorant as possible , ” she said .
“ I don ’ t mean to boast , but I am going to be a tough act to follow in that respect.
” In total , she said , Biden ’ s plans for education may be the “ most radical aspect ” of the Democratic @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the police , ” she said .
“ He is talking about funding the schools.
” Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report • Dr. Fauci says that alcohol may help people survive coronavirus briefings .
• Scientists say that Earth is endangered by a new strain of fact-resistant humans .
• Obama proposes cancelling cable at the White House to get Trump to leave .
• Ivanka Trump applies for the job of daughter to Joe Biden .
• Queen Elizabeth II offers to restore British rule over the United States .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ be controlled by Americans .
• Get the Borowitz Report in your in-box .
Sign up for the newsletter .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the prospect a “nightmare scenario,” Betsy DeVos warned that President-elect Joe Biden will pick an Education Secretary with a background in education.
The outgoing Education Secretary warned that putting someone with a “pro-education bias” in her job would be like “naming a fox to be Secretary of Hens.”
“For the past four years, I have worked tirelessly to keep our schools free from education,” she said. “It deeply saddens me to think that all of my hard work will go to waste.”
Even more alarming, she said, Biden may name a “knowledgeable person” to replace her, a decision she called “disastrous.”
“In order to be impartial toward education, an Education Secretary must be as ignorant as possible,” she said. “I don’t mean to boast, but I am going to be a tough act to follow in that respect.”
In total, she said, Biden’s plans for education may be the “most radical aspect” of the Democratic Party agenda. “Forget about defunding the police,” she said. “He is talking about funding the schools.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-12-19--Pence Worries That Sight of Bare Arm Will Make Him Irresistible to Women

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Posing for cameras to receive the COVID-19 vaccine , Mike Pence expressed his fear that the sight of his bare arm would drive women wild .
Pence , who has lived daily with the burden of being irresistible to females , worried that unveiling his bicep would be “ like pouring gasoline on a fire.
” “ I know it ’ s important that I set an example by getting the vaccine in public , but it comes with a steep price , ” he said .
“ Now there are going to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ get a piece of Mike.
” Resigned to the consequences , Pence rolled up his sleeve to reveal his naked arm .
“ Here we go , ” the Vice-President said .
“ Tickets to the gun show.
” Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report • Dr. Fauci says that alcohol may help people survive coronavirus briefings .
• Scientists say that Earth is endangered by a new strain of fact-resistant humans .
• Obama proposes cancelling cable at the White House to get Trump to leave .
• Ivanka Trump applies @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Biden .
• Queen Elizabeth II offers to restore British rule over the United States .
• Putin warns that the U.S. will be controlled by Americans .
• Get the Borowitz Report in your in-box .
Sign up for the newsletter .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Posing for cameras to receive the COVID-19 vaccine, Mike Pence expressed his fear that the sight of his bare arm would drive women wild.
Pence, who has lived daily with the burden of being irresistible to females, worried that unveiling his bicep would be “like pouring gasoline on a fire.”
“I know it’s important that I set an example by getting the vaccine in public, but it comes with a steep price,” he said. “Now there are going to be even more ladies out there desperate to get a piece of Mike.”
Resigned to the consequences, Pence rolled up his sleeve to reveal his naked arm. “Here we go,” the Vice-President said. “Tickets to the gun show.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-12-21--Russian Hackers Disappointed to Find U.S. Government Already Disabled

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Russian hackers attempting to disrupt the U.S. government were disappointed to discover that it had already been thoroughly disabled , the hackers have confirmed .
Expecting to find a well-oiled machine that they could impair , the hackers instead came upon a barely operational mess that had already suffered what appeared to be four years of degradation .
Dmitri X ( not his real name ) , was assigned to hack the Environmental Protection Agency ’ s computer systems and was “ shocked ” by the agency ’ s weakened condition .
“ My @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s database and delete all of the environmental regulations , ” he said .
“ There was nothing there left to delete.
” The hacker found similar evidence of sabotage at the Department of Justice , the Department of Education , and myriad other federal agencies .
“ To be honest , it was pretty disheartening , ” he said .
“ I was hired to cripple the U.S. government , but it ’ s clear that someone else got there first.
” The hacker could not identify who was behind the widespread @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had vast experience in driving large organizations into bankruptcy .
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report • Dr. Fauci says that alcohol may help people survive coronavirus briefings .
• Scientists say that Earth is endangered by a new strain of fact-resistant humans .
• Obama proposes cancelling cable at the White House to get Trump to leave .
• Ivanka Trump applies for the job of daughter to Joe Biden .
• Queen Elizabeth II offers to restore British rule over the United States .
• Putin warns that the U.S. @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Get the Borowitz Report in your in-box .
Sign up for the newsletter .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Russian hackers attempting to disrupt the U.S. government were disappointed to discover that it had already been thoroughly disabled, the hackers have confirmed.
Expecting to find a well-oiled machine that they could impair, the hackers instead came upon a barely operational mess that had already suffered what appeared to be four years of degradation.
Dmitri X (not his real name), was assigned to hack the Environmental Protection Agency’s computer systems and was “shocked” by the agency’s weakened condition.
“My job was to access the E.P.A.’s database and delete all of the environmental regulations,” he said. “There was nothing there left to delete.”
The hacker found similar evidence of sabotage at the Department of Justice, the Department of Education, and myriad other federal agencies.
“To be honest, it was pretty disheartening,” he said. “I was hired to cripple the U.S. government, but it’s clear that someone else got there first.”
The hacker could not identify who was behind the widespread vandalism, but speculated that the culprit had vast experience in driving large organizations into bankruptcy.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-02-04--Florida Offers to Help Iowa Count Votes

Florida Offers to Help Iowa Count Votes

TALLAHASSEE , Florida ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling the delay in the release of the Iowa caucus results “ @ @ @ @ @ ” the state of Florida has offered to help Iowa with the vote-counting process .
@ @ @ @ @ for Florida ’ s official electoral commission , said on Tuesday morning that “ Florida @ @ @ @ @ restore credibility to Iowa ’ s vote-tabulation procedures.
” Dorrinson added that Katherine Harris , @ @ @ @ @ of state , was eager to “ roll up her sleeves and clean up Iowa @ @ @ @ @ Just say the word , Iowa , and Katherine Harris will be on the next @ @ @ @ @ said .
For their part , Iowa Democratic Party officials said that they were already @ @ @ @ @ the caucus results , and that early returns indicated that a white person had won @

TALLAHASSEE, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the delay in the release of the Iowa caucus results “a threat to democracy,” the state of Florida has offered to help Iowa with the vote-counting process.
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for Florida’s official electoral commission, said on Tuesday morning that “Florida stands ready and willing to restore credibility to Iowa’s vote-tabulation procedures.”
Dorrinson added that Katherine Harris, Florida’s former secretary of state, was eager to “roll up her sleeves and clean up Iowa’s mess.”
“Just say the word, Iowa, and Katherine Harris will be on the next plane out,” he said.
For their part, Iowa Democratic Party officials said that they were already making great progress in counting the caucus results, and that early returns indicated that a white person had won.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-30--Fauci Warns Trump That If Everyone in U.S. Dies It Could Affect His TV Ratings

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a conversation over the weekend that reportedly left the President “ shaken , ” Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Donald Trump that if everyone in the United States dies , it would adversely affect his television ratings .
Although Fauci was quick to add that the everyone-dying scenario was purely hypothetical , he stressed that , from a medical perspective , alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television .
According to a source familiar with the conversation , the possible impact of COVID-19 fatalities on Trump ’ s ratings “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ immediately convened an emergency meeting of the White House Coronavirus Task Force .
“ It ’ s time you losers started taking this situation seriously , ” Trump reportedly barked .
“ Especially you , Pence.
” In what was described as an increasingly rancorous session , Trump reprimanded the group for “ not doing enough ” to safeguard his TV ratings .
“ I like the numbers being where they are , ” he thundered .
Shortly after the meeting , Trump signed an executive order requiring all Americans to be quarantined @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a conversation over the weekend that reportedly left the President “shaken,” Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Donald Trump that if everyone in the United States dies, it would adversely affect his television ratings.
Although Fauci was quick to add that the everyone-dying scenario was purely hypothetical, he stressed that, from a medical perspective, alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television.
According to a source familiar with the conversation, the possible impact of COVID-19 fatalities on Trump’s ratings “totally blindsided” the President, who immediately convened an emergency meeting of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“It’s time you losers started taking this situation seriously,” Trump reportedly barked. “Especially you, Pence.”
In what was described as an increasingly rancorous session, Trump reprimanded the group for “not doing enough” to safeguard his TV ratings. “I like the numbers being where they are,” he thundered.
Shortly after the meeting, Trump signed an executive order requiring all Americans to be quarantined in their living rooms until further notice.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-28--Fauci Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Hold Parade to Celebrate Great Job He Is Doing on the Coronavi

Fauci Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Hold Parade to Celebrate Great Job He Is Doing on the Coronavirus

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Dr .
Anthony Fauci spent several hours on Saturday gently explaining to Donald J. Trump why it would be “ a bad idea ” to hold a giant parade to celebrate the great job the President is doing to combat COVID-19 , Dr. Fauci has confirmed .
Trump first raised the idea of a massive parade early Saturday morning , arguing that it would address the “ biggest problem ” created by the pandemic thus far : the lack of appreciation for his own efforts regarding it .
“ A parade would put Jay @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their place , ” Trump bitterly insisted .
As Trump began drawing up plans for a parade , a panicked Dr. Fauci interceded and tried to explain that such a celebration would be “ much nicer ” if held after the pandemic is over .
“ Would I still be able to have tanks ?
” a crestfallen Trump asked .
“ Yes , you could have tanks , ” Fauci replied .
“ You can have all the balloons you want , ” the virologist said .
“ I promise you.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he believed that , after laboriously explaining the situation to Trump , “ I think I got through to him , ” adding , “ I ’ ve got ta lie down now .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci spent several hours on Saturday gently explaining to Donald J. Trump why it would be “a bad idea” to hold a giant parade to celebrate the great job the President is doing to combat COVID-19, Dr. Fauci has confirmed.
Trump first raised the idea of a massive parade early Saturday morning, arguing that it would address the “biggest problem” created by the pandemic thus far: the lack of appreciation for his own efforts regarding it.
“A parade would put Jay Inslee and that woman in Michigan in their place,” Trump bitterly insisted.
As Trump began drawing up plans for a parade, a panicked Dr. Fauci interceded and tried to explain that such a celebration would be “much nicer” if held after the pandemic is over.
“Would I still be able to have tanks?” a crestfallen Trump asked.
“Yes, you could have tanks,” Fauci replied.
“What about balloons?” Trump asked.
“You can have all the balloons you want,” the virologist said. “I promise you.”
Speaking to reporters, Dr. Fauci said he believed that, after laboriously explaining the situation to Trump, “I think I got through to him,” adding, “I’ve gotta lie down now.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-03-26--New Evidence Indicates Intelligence Not Contagious

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —New evidence uncovered over the past several weeks indicates that intelligence is not contagious @ @ @ @ @ Centers for Disease Control reports .
In a controlled experiment documented by the study , @ @ @ @ @ was placed in close proximity to a seventy-three-year-old man without it for a period of @ @ @ @ @ even a trace of his knowledge and expertise could be transmitted .
After weeks of @ @ @ @ @ the seventy-three-year-old man appeared “ a hundred per cent asymptomatic ” of intelligence , the @ @ @ @ @ terms of facts , data , and wisdom , there was zero community spread , @ @ @ @ @ The researchers , however , left open the possibility that intelligence might be transmissible to @ @ @ @ @ to the seventy-three-year-old who was the subject of the experiment .
“ There is evidence @ @ @ @ @ has developed a super-immunity to intelligence , making it impossible for even rudimentary information to @ @ @ @ @ , ” the study indicated .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—New evidence uncovered over the past several weeks indicates that intelligence is not contagious, a study by the Centers for Disease Control reports.
In a controlled experiment documented by the study, a seventy-nine-year-old man with intelligence was placed in close proximity to a seventy-three-year-old man without it for a period of several weeks to see if even a trace of his knowledge and expertise could be transmitted.
After weeks of near-constant exposure, however, the seventy-three-year-old man appeared “a hundred per cent asymptomatic” of intelligence, the researchers found.
“In terms of facts, data, and wisdom, there was zero community spread,” the report stated.
The researchers, however, left open the possibility that intelligence might be transmissible to other people, just not to the seventy-three-year-old who was the subject of the experiment.
“There is evidence to suggest that this subject has developed a super-immunity to intelligence, making it impossible for even rudimentary information to permeate his extraordinarily thick cranium,” the study indicated.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-31--Trump Catches Melania Watching Cuomo Briefing

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —An awkward scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump came upon his wife , Melania , furtively watching New York Governor Andrew Cuomo ’ s daily coronavirus briefing .
According to White House sources , Trump was walking down a corridor of the Family Residence when he heard a familiar nasal voice emanating from the Lincoln Bedroom , droning on about masks and ventilators .
Bursting into the room , Trump came upon his wife watching Cuomo with rapt attention .
Caught by surprise , Melania quickly turned off @ @ @ @ @ @ @ only watching Cuomo “ to see how many big , terrible mistakes he makes.
” While her husband seemed to accept her explanation , the incident raised eyebrows at the White House , where , for weeks , the First Lady has been vanishing midday to watch the Governor ’ s daily COVID-19 updates .
Reportedly , last week a White House staffer observed Melania alone in the Lincoln Bedroom , the lights dimmed , the room illuminated only by the flickering image of Andrew Cuomo .
Unaware that she was being watched @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to Cuomo , “ You be best .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An awkward scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump came upon his wife, Melania, furtively watching New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s daily coronavirus briefing.
According to White House sources, Trump was walking down a corridor of the Family Residence when he heard a familiar nasal voice emanating from the Lincoln Bedroom, droning on about masks and ventilators.
Bursting into the room, Trump came upon his wife watching Cuomo with rapt attention.
Caught by surprise, Melania quickly turned off the television and claimed that she was only watching Cuomo “to see how many big, terrible mistakes he makes.”
While her husband seemed to accept her explanation, the incident raised eyebrows at the White House, where, for weeks, the First Lady has been vanishing midday to watch the Governor’s daily COVID-19 updates.
Reportedly, last week a White House staffer observed Melania alone in the Lincoln Bedroom, the lights dimmed, the room illuminated only by the flickering image of Andrew Cuomo.
Unaware that she was being watched, the First Lady was overheard murmuring to Cuomo, “You be best.”


theborowitzreport--2020-03-31--America’s Teachers Urge Trump to Use Time at Home to Repeat First Grade

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump should use this time when he is staying at home to repeat first grade , the nation ’ s teachers are urging .
Carol Foyler , the executive director of the National Alliance of Elementary Educators , said that the homebound Trump has a “ golden opportunity ” to use remote learning to repeat the first-grade curriculum .
“ At a time when many of our nation ’ s children are being homeschooled , this seems like the perfect time for President Trump to learn the basics of reading , writing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ By June , he could be reading ‘ Hop on Pop ’ and ‘ Go , Dog , Go !
’ ” She added that anyone at the White House would be qualified to homeschool Trump , “ except Jared.
” Foyler acknowledged that the plan for Trump to repeat first grade had faced dissent from some of the nation ’ s teachers , who felt strongly that he should first repeat kindergarten .
“ From an educational standpoint , the kindergarten curriculum is mainly devoted to socialization and getting along @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ I think the ship has sailed on that.
” That disagreement aside , Foyler said that the nation ’ s elementary educators were prepared to offer Trump a broad array of online learning resources .
“ He will have everything he needs to repeat first grade while Dr. Fauci runs the country , ” she said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump should use this time when he is staying at home to repeat first grade, the nation’s teachers are urging.
Carol Foyler, the executive director of the National Alliance of Elementary Educators, said that the homebound Trump has a “golden opportunity” to use remote learning to repeat the first-grade curriculum.
“At a time when many of our nation’s children are being homeschooled, this seems like the perfect time for President Trump to learn the basics of reading, writing, and math,” she said. “By June, he could be reading ‘Hop on Pop’ and ‘Go, Dog, Go!’ ”
She added that anyone at the White House would be qualified to homeschool Trump, “except Jared.”
Foyler acknowledged that the plan for Trump to repeat first grade had faced dissent from some of the nation’s teachers, who felt strongly that he should first repeat kindergarten.
“From an educational standpoint, the kindergarten curriculum is mainly devoted to socialization and getting along with others,” she said. “I think the ship has sailed on that.”
That disagreement aside, Foyler said that the nation’s elementary educators were prepared to offer Trump a broad array of online learning resources. “He will have everything he needs to repeat first grade while Dr. Fauci runs the country,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-01--Trump Practicing Distancing from All His Prior Statements About the Coronavirus

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Issuing a new distancing guideline on Wednesday , Donald Trump said that he was now practicing distancing from all of his previous statements about the coronavirus .
“ As of today , I will be keeping a great distance between myself and anything I said about COVID-19 in the months of January , February , and March , ” he said .
“ I will be staying at least six feet away from those statements , and probably more like ten thousand feet.
” Trump said that he could not predict how long his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ but indicated , “ Next week , I will probably be distancing myself from things I said this week .
This could go on for a long time.
” He urged all Americans to distance themselves from his previous statements , as well .
“ If you ’ re watching CNN or MSNBC and they start showing things I said in February , leave the room immediately , ” he advised .
Dr. Anthony Fauci , the esteemed virologist , expressed approval of Trump ’ s new policy .
“ Personally , I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for months , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Issuing a new distancing guideline on Wednesday, Donald Trump said that he was now practicing distancing from all of his previous statements about the coronavirus.
“As of today, I will be keeping a great distance between myself and anything I said about COVID-19 in the months of January, February, and March,” he said. “I will be staying at least six feet away from those statements, and probably more like ten thousand feet.”
Trump said that he could not predict how long his new practice of distancing would continue, but indicated, “Next week, I will probably be distancing myself from things I said this week. This could go on for a long time.”
He urged all Americans to distance themselves from his previous statements, as well. “If you’re watching CNN or MSNBC and they start showing things I said in February, leave the room immediately,” he advised.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed virologist, expressed approval of Trump’s new policy. “Personally, I have been distancing myself from his statements for months,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-02--Trump Launches “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing” with Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Hoping to inject some ratings magic into an aging TV franchise , Donald J. Trump announced on Thursday that he would soon launch “ Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing.
” Trump said that he was green-lighting the reboot because the current version of the show was “ getting kind of old.
” “ CNN and MSNBC started cutting away from the show , and that made me very unhappy , ” he said .
“ I realized I had to jazz things up.
” The first episode of “ Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing , ” to air @ @ @ @ @ @ @ favorites , Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman .
“ We ’ re going to be seeing a lot of Gary and Dennis and lot less of those boring charts , ” he said .
“ Everybody I talk to hates the charts.
” Trump said that the addition of celebrities to the coronavirus briefings meant that some of the show ’ s current cast members would have to go .
“ Does Mike Pence stay in the cast ?
” he said .
“ He ’ s not a lock .
Tony and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ person who ’ s a definite at this point is the MyPillow guy .
We ’ re going to be seeing a lot more of the MyPillow guy .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to inject some ratings magic into an aging TV franchise, Donald J. Trump announced on Thursday that he would soon launch “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing.”
Trump said that he was green-lighting the reboot because the current version of the show was “getting kind of old.”
“CNN and MSNBC started cutting away from the show, and that made me very unhappy,” he said. “I realized I had to jazz things up.”
The first episode of “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing,” to air next Monday, will feature two Trump favorites, Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman.
“We’re going to be seeing a lot of Gary and Dennis and lot less of those boring charts,” he said. “Everybody I talk to hates the charts.”
Trump said that the addition of celebrities to the coronavirus briefings meant that some of the show’s current cast members would have to go.
“Does Mike Pence stay in the cast?” he said. “He’s not a lock. Tony and Deborah? Not sure. The only person who’s a definite at this point is the MyPillow guy. We’re going to be seeing a lot more of the MyPillow guy.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-03--Fauci Urges Non-Essential Worker to Go Home

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Dr .
Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House Coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ immediately , Fauci confirmed on Friday .
Speaking to reporters , the esteemed virologist said @ @ @ @ @ to expel the worker for “ the health and safety of others.
” “ He @ @ @ @ @ coming to work every day , ” Fauci said .
“ I told him , @ @ @ @ @ , but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.
’ @ @ @ @ @ decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent scientific findings @ @ @ @ @ re learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy , and this @ @ @ @ @ and talking than anyone else on the team , ” he said .
The employee @ @ @ @ @ hours a day in isolation watching television , a two-hour increase from his normal routine @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House Coronavirus Task Force to go home immediately, Fauci confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters, the esteemed virologist said that he made the decision to expel the worker for “the health and safety of others.”
“He said that he felt fine coming to work every day,” Fauci said. “I told him, ‘You may feel fine, but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.’ ”
Fauci said that his decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent scientific findings.
“What we’re learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy, and this one worker did more breathing and talking than anyone else on the team,” he said.
The employee is expected to spend fourteen hours a day in isolation watching television, a two-hour increase from his normal routine.