theborowitzreport--2020-08-05--Americans Support Using U.S. Postal Service to Ship Trump to Different Address

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a major vote of confidence for the embattled agency , a new poll @ @ @ @ @ Americans support using the United States Postal Service to ship Donald Trump to a new @ @ @ @ @ it has become a tradition for outgoing Presidents to depart 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue via helicopter @ @ @ @ @ ” that using the U.S. Mail to remove Trump would be preferable , the poll @ @ @ @ @ , after a new President is inaugurated , on January 20th , Trump should be @ @ @ @ @ the White House for pickup by a local mail carrier .
Additionally , there was @ @ @ @ @ Trump to his new address via Priority Mail Express to insure that he is dispatched @ @ @ @ @ Although Americans were divided as to what Trump ’ s new address should be , @ @ @ @ @ overnighting him to Cyrus Vance , Jr. , the New York County District Attorney .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a major vote of confidence for the embattled agency, a new poll reveals that a majority of Americans support using the United States Postal Service to ship Donald Trump to a new address in January.
While it has become a tradition for outgoing Presidents to depart 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue via helicopter, Americans “strongly agree” that using the U.S. Mail to remove Trump would be preferable, the poll finds.
Americans agreed that, after a new President is inaugurated, on January 20th, Trump should be left on the curb outside the White House for pickup by a local mail carrier.
Additionally, there was a strong consensus for sending Trump to his new address via Priority Mail Express to insure that he is dispatched as quickly as possible.
Although Americans were divided as to what Trump’s new address should be, there was substantial support for overnighting him to Cyrus Vance, Jr., the New York County District Attorney.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-06--Trump Considering Replacing Pence with Confederate Statue

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Alarmed by his plunging poll numbers , Donald J. Trump is actively considering replacing Mike Pence on the G.O.P .
ticket with a Confederate statue , White House sources have revealed .
According to the sources , Trump is currently considering a short list of Confederate monuments to swap for Pence , including statues of Robert E. Lee , Stonewall Jackson , and Jefferson Davis .
Reportedly , Trump believes that replacing Pence with a Confederate statue is just what his campaign needs to energize his base .
“ Plus , he ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who won ’ t write a book , ” one source said .
According to the same source , choosing among the Confederate statues is shaping up to be the toughest decision of Trump ’ s Presidency .
“ He thinks they ’ re all very fine people , ” the source said .
But another White House insider was less sanguine about the strengths a Confederate statue would bring to Trump ’ s reëlection effort .
“ Replacing Pence with an inanimate object seems like a wash to me , ” the @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alarmed by his plunging poll numbers, Donald J. Trump is actively considering replacing Mike Pence on the G.O.P. ticket with a Confederate statue, White House sources have revealed.
According to the sources, Trump is currently considering a short list of Confederate monuments to swap for Pence, including statues of Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis.
Reportedly, Trump believes that replacing Pence with a Confederate statue is just what his campaign needs to energize his base.
“Plus, he’ll finally have someone in his inner circle who won’t write a book,” one source said.
According to the same source, choosing among the Confederate statues is shaping up to be the toughest decision of Trump’s Presidency. “He thinks they’re all very fine people,” the source said.
But another White House insider was less sanguine about the strengths a Confederate statue would bring to Trump’s reëlection effort.
“Replacing Pence with an inanimate object seems like a wash to me,” the insider said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-08--Americans Oppose More Payments to Man Who Is Not Working

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Americans are vehemently opposed to issuing more government payments to a Kentucky man who @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus crisis .
According to reports , the man has been receiving a weekly @ @ @ @ @ thousand dollars for doing nothing , all at taxpayers ’ expense .
Harland Dorrinson , @ @ @ @ @ watchdog group called Americans Against Waste and Abuse , called the payments to this non-working @ @ @ @ @ scandalous.
” “ If you do the math , he is receiving checks that add @ @ @ @ @ year , ” Dorrinson said .
“ Under those circumstances , what is his incentive @ @ @ @ @ said that the payments the man has been receiving should be cut off “ immediately @ @ @ @ @ who is providing essential services during the pandemic , like a health-care worker or first @ @ @ @ @ Kentucky man , Dorrinson said , “ It ’ s time for him to stop @ @ @ @ @ show some personal responsibility .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are vehemently opposed to issuing more government payments to a Kentucky man who has not been working during the coronavirus crisis.
According to reports, the man has been receiving a weekly check amounting to over three thousand dollars for doing nothing, all at taxpayers’ expense.
Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a watchdog group called Americans Against Waste and Abuse, called the payments to this non-working individual “nothing short of scandalous.”
“If you do the math, he is receiving checks that add up to $174,000 a year,” Dorrinson said. “Under those circumstances, what is his incentive to work?”
Dorrinson said that the payments the man has been receiving should be cut off “immediately” and sent to someone who is providing essential services during the pandemic, like a health-care worker or first responder.
As for the Kentucky man, Dorrinson said, “It’s time for him to stop living off the government and show some personal responsibility.”


theborowitzreport--2020-08-10--Trump Signs New Executive Order Granting Himself Unemployment Check in January

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows on Monday by signing an executive order granting himself a million-dollar unemployment check if he leaves office in January .
Trump said that he will deserve the seven-figure check if the election is “ stolen ” by what he called “ a conspiracy between the U.S .
Postal Service and Antifa.
” In a further defense of the huge payment , Trump said , “ If I ’ m out of a job , Ivanka , Eric , and Don , Jr. , will be , too.
” The @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from congressional Democrats , as well as from the Republican senator Ben Sasse , who called it “ a steaming pile of constitutional crap.
” Unmoved , Trump called the Nebraska senator “ Poor Li ’ l Sassy ” and argued that the executive order was a “ work of genius ” that should guarantee him a place on Mt .
Rushmore .
“ Those beauties like Lincoln and Jefferson never thought of anything this smart , ” he said .
“ They would be lucky if I let my head be carved @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows on Monday by signing an executive order granting himself a million-dollar unemployment check if he leaves office in January.
Trump said that he will deserve the seven-figure check if the election is “stolen” by what he called “a conspiracy between the U.S. Postal Service and Antifa.”
In a further defense of the huge payment, Trump said, “If I’m out of a job, Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., will be, too.”
The executive order immediately drew howls of protest from congressional Democrats, as well as from the Republican senator Ben Sasse, who called it “a steaming pile of constitutional crap.”
Unmoved, Trump called the Nebraska senator “Poor Li’l Sassy” and argued that the executive order was a “work of genius” that should guarantee him a place on Mt. Rushmore.
“Those beauties like Lincoln and Jefferson never thought of anything this smart,” he said. “They would be lucky if I let my head be carved out of the same rock as theirs.”


theborowitzreport--2020-08-10--Trump Accuses Biden of Dragging out V.P. Search Instead of Picking First Clown Who Says Yes

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump ridiculed Joe Biden on Monday for dragging out his search for a running mate instead of “ picking the first clown who says yes.
” “ Sleepy Joe is wasting time with all this vetting , ” Trump told reporters .
“ Just pick someone who ’ s totally desperate.
” “ Find an elected official who doesn ’ t have a chance in hell of getting reëlected in his home state , ” he said .
“ He ’ ll be overjoyed that you saved him from the junk heap.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ should choose a Vice-Presidential candidate “ who ’ s so hopeless , he couldn ’ t get a real job if he tried.
” “ The more pathetic he is , the better , ” the President said .
Trump noted that choosing a candidate who is “ terrified he ’ ll never work again ” has major benefits if one ultimately makes it to the White House .
“ He ’ ll spend the next four years sucking up to you like you wouldn ’ t believe , ” Trump said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump ridiculed Joe Biden on Monday for dragging out his search for a running mate instead of “picking the first clown who says yes.”
“Sleepy Joe is wasting time with all this vetting,” Trump told reporters. “Just pick someone who’s totally desperate.”
“Find an elected official who doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting reëlected in his home state,” he said. “He’ll be overjoyed that you saved him from the junk heap.”
Additionally, Trump said, one should choose a Vice-Presidential candidate “who’s so hopeless, he couldn’t get a real job if he tried.”
“The more pathetic he is, the better,” the President said.
Trump noted that choosing a candidate who is “terrified he’ll never work again” has major benefits if one ultimately makes it to the White House.
“He’ll spend the next four years sucking up to you like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump said. “It’s a beautiful thing.”


theborowitzreport--2020-08-11--Donald Trump Praises Woodrow Wilson for Opposing Online Learning During 1918 Pandemic

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a rare instance of praising one of his White House predecessors , Donald J. Trump on Tuesday hailed Woodrow Wilson for opposing efforts to institute online learning during the 1918 pandemic .
“ There were a lot of crybabies in 1918 saying , ‘ The schools aren ’ t safe—let the kids learn on their computers , ’ ” Trump told reporters at the White House .
“ Woody wouldn ’ t hear of it.
” Instead , Trump said , “ Kids went to school and the influenza just kind of disappeared @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Trump added that , during the 1918 pandemic , “ The hallways of schools were jammed with kids .
I wish one of those kids had taken a picture with his phone so we could see it today.
” Wilson ’ s opposition to online learning inspired Trump to demand in-person schooling for all American children , he revealed .
“ It ’ s important for them to be in school so they can be as knowledgeable about history as I am , ” he said .
“ The pandemic of 1918 @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the War of 1812 .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare instance of praising one of his White House predecessors, Donald J. Trump on Tuesday hailed Woodrow Wilson for opposing efforts to institute online learning during the 1918 pandemic.
“There were a lot of crybabies in 1918 saying, ‘The schools aren’t safe—let the kids learn on their computers,’ ” Trump told reporters at the White House. “Woody wouldn’t hear of it.”
Instead, Trump said, “Kids went to school and the influenza just kind of disappeared eventually. Woody did a fantastic job.”
Trump added that, during the 1918 pandemic, “The hallways of schools were jammed with kids. I wish one of those kids had taken a picture with his phone so we could see it today.”
Wilson’s opposition to online learning inspired Trump to demand in-person schooling for all American children, he revealed.
“It’s important for them to be in school so they can be as knowledgeable about history as I am,” he said. “The pandemic of 1918 was one of the main causes of the War of 1812.”


theborowitzreport--2020-08-12--Kamala Harris’s Approval Rating Soars After Trump Reminds Nation How “Nasty” She Was to Kavanaugh

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Senator Kamala Harris saw her approval rating soar on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump reminded the American people that she had been “ nasty ” to Brett Kavanaugh during his confirmation hearings .
In interviews across the country , voters expressed gratitude to Trump for reminding them that Harris had been responsible for one of their favorite televised moments in recent history .
“ When Trump said that she had been ‘ nasty ’ to Kavanaugh , I had to go to YouTube and relive that glorious event , ” Carol Foyler , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ It really holds up.
” Harland Dorrinson , who lives in Wichita , Kansas , agreed .
“ Watching Kamala Harris own Kavanaugh made me happy for weeks , ” he said .
“ I have to thank Trump for making that happy memory come flooding back.
” Canter Lisson , who lives in Portland , Maine , also appreciated being reminded of Harris ’ s demolition of Kavanaugh , but he sounded a wistful note .
“ It ’ s too bad that , if she ’ s elected Vice-President @ @ @ @ @ @ @ opportunities to be ‘ nasty ’ to Brett Kavanaugh , ” he said .
“ Still , I ’ ll always be grateful for the one time I saw her be ‘ nasty ’ to him .
It gave me a reason to live .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Kamala Harris saw her approval rating soar on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump reminded the American people that she had been “nasty” to Brett Kavanaugh during his confirmation hearings.
In interviews across the country, voters expressed gratitude to Trump for reminding them that Harris had been responsible for one of their favorite televised moments in recent history.
“When Trump said that she had been ‘nasty’ to Kavanaugh, I had to go to YouTube and relive that glorious event,” Carol Foyler, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, said. “It really holds up.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Wichita, Kansas, agreed. “Watching Kamala Harris own Kavanaugh made me happy for weeks,” he said. “I have to thank Trump for making that happy memory come flooding back.”
Canter Lisson, who lives in Portland, Maine, also appreciated being reminded of Harris’s demolition of Kavanaugh, but he sounded a wistful note.
“It’s too bad that, if she’s elected Vice-President, she won’t have many opportunities to be ‘nasty’ to Brett Kavanaugh,” he said. “Still, I’ll always be grateful for the one time I saw her be ‘nasty’ to him. It gave me a reason to live.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-08-13--Trump Accuses Kamala Harris of Maliciously Speaking in Complete Sentences

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a blistering takedown of Joe Biden ’ s running mate , Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ Harris of maliciously speaking in complete sentences .
Blasting her penchant for hewing to the @ @ @ @ @ said , “ A lot of people are saying , mean , nasty , disrespectful @ @ @ @ @ , like you wouldn ’ t believe.
” “ Sad , ” he said .
@ @ @ @ @ Trump also was contemptuous of Biden , noting , “ Sleepy Joe—something ’ s going @ @ @ @ @ withering criticism , Trump suggested that Harris ’ s stubborn insistence on making subjects agree @ @ @ @ @ to every American voter .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering takedown of Joe Biden’s running mate, Donald Trump on Thursday accused Senator Kamala Harris of maliciously speaking in complete sentences.
Blasting her penchant for hewing to the rules of grammar, Trump said, “A lot of people are saying, mean, nasty, disrespectful. To a new level, like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Sad,” he said. “Sick and sad.”
Trump also was contemptuous of Biden, noting, “Sleepy Joe—something’s going on.”
“Quite frankly,” he added.
In his most withering criticism, Trump suggested that Harris’s stubborn insistence on making subjects agree with verbs was an insult to every American voter.
“Woman bad,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-14--Obama Hurt By Trump’s Reuse of Birther Strategy: “I Thought It Was a Special Thing Between Him and M

Obama Hurt By Trump’s Reuse of Birther Strategy: “I Thought It Was a Special Thing Between Him and Me”

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Former President Barack Obama said on Friday that he was “ deeply saddened ” to hear Donald J. Trump reuse his racist birther strategy this week , stating , “ I thought that it was a special thing between him and me.
” His voice cracking with emotion , Obama said that , during all the years Trump launched birther attacks against him , “ I was under the impression that he was crafting those lies for me and me alone.
” “ I guess I was wrong , ” he said wistfully .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ new “ cheapened the memory of our years together , ” Obama said .
“ I ’ d be lying if I said it didn ’ t hurt , ” he added .
Obama also had words of warning for Senator Kamala Harris .
“ Don ’ t make the mistake I made and think that he really cares about where you were born , ” he said .
“ Eventually , he ’ ll just move on and question the birthplace of someone else .
I found out the hard way .
@

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Friday that he was “deeply saddened” to hear Donald J. Trump reuse his racist birther strategy this week, stating, “I thought that it was a special thing between him and me.”
His voice cracking with emotion, Obama said that, during all the years Trump launched birther attacks against him, “I was under the impression that he was crafting those lies for me and me alone.”
“I guess I was wrong,” he said wistfully.
Hearing Trump employ identical slurs against someone new “cheapened the memory of our years together,” Obama said.
“I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt,” he added.
Obama also had words of warning for Senator Kamala Harris. “Don’t make the mistake I made and think that he really cares about where you were born,” he said. “Eventually, he’ll just move on and question the birthplace of someone else. I found out the hard way.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-08-15--Trump Questions Whether Oakland Is Located in United States

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump stirred controversy on Saturday by questioning whether the city of Oakland was @ @ @ @ @ of America .
“ Some very smart people are wondering about that , ” Trump @ @ @ @ @ House .
“ It ’ s something that needs to be looked into.
” Trump @ @ @ @ @ probably a completely different country , ” because “ a lot of countries end in @ @ @ @ @ ” “ You ’ ve got countries like Ireland , Iceland , and Greenland , @ @ @ @ @ So you probably would have to add a country like Oakland to that list.
” @ @ @ @ @ of countries drew a question from one of the reporters present , CNN ’ s @ @ @ @ @ also ends in ‘ land , ’ ” Acosta said .
“ Does that mean @ @ @ @ @ federal troops to Portland , you were invading a foreign country ?
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Saturday by questioning whether the city of Oakland was located in the United States of America.
“Some very smart people are wondering about that,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “It’s something that needs to be looked into.”
Trump explained that Oakland was “probably a completely different country,” because “a lot of countries end in the word ‘land.’ ”
“You’ve got countries like Ireland, Iceland, and Greenland,” he said. “So you probably would have to add a country like Oakland to that list.”
Trump’s suffix-based theory of countries drew a question from one of the reporters present, CNN’s Jim Acosta.
“Portland also ends in ‘land,’ ” Acosta said. “Does that mean that, when you sent federal troops to Portland, you were invading a foreign country?”
“No, that means you’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-16--Bill Barr Injures Back While Trying to Lift Mailbox Into Truck

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Attorney General William Barr suffered what was described as a “ severe back strain @ @ @ @ @ a mailbox into a pickup truck on Saturday .
According to Barr , he tried @ @ @ @ @ one good yank ” to heave it into the truck , when he heard “ @ @ @ @ @ his back .
At the White House , Donald J. Trump said that the injury @ @ @ @ @ ” and yet another argument against mail-in voting .
“ How can we expect the @ @ @ @ @ fair election when a mailbox almost killed poor Bill Barr ?
” he asked .
@ @ @ @ @ we ’ re going to be looking into very strongly.
” As for Barr , @ @ @ @ @ Reed Army Medical Center , the Attorney General acknowledged that lifting mailboxes was “ probably @ @ @ @ @ and said that next time he would get Mike Pence to help .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr suffered what was described as a “severe back strain” while trying to lift a mailbox into a pickup truck on Saturday.
According to Barr, he tried to give the mailbox “one good yank” to heave it into the truck, when he heard “something go pop” in his back.
“I remember thinking, Hoo, boy, that’s not good,” Barr said.
At the White House, Donald J. Trump said that the injury to Barr was “disgraceful” and yet another argument against mail-in voting.
“How can we expect the Postal Service to run a fair election when a mailbox almost killed poor Bill Barr?” he asked. “It’s something we’re going to be looking into very strongly.”
As for Barr, who is recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, the Attorney General acknowledged that lifting mailboxes was “probably a two-man job,” and said that next time he would get Mike Pence to help.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-17--Harris Tells Trump She Cannot Send Him Birth Certificate Without Postal Service

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —An apologetic Kamala Harris told Donald J. Trump on Monday that she will be unable to provide him with a certified copy of her birth certificate in the absence of a fully functioning postal service .
“ In order to obtain a copy of my birth certificate , I have to send a letter to the California Department of Public Health , ” she said .
“ That is really tricky to do without a mailbox.
” If the C.D.P.H .
somehow receives her letter , Senator Harris said , “ it will then @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to me—again , a difficult task if there is no mail.
” Harris informed Trump that , if by some miracle she were to receive her birth certificate in the mail , “ I would then have to mail it to you .
Again , not easy.
” The senator said that she was “ deeply sorry ” that the United States Postal Service ’ s funding problems would make getting her birth certificate to Trump so challenging .
“ I know that the question of my birth has been a cause of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ I would do anything to ease your mind about this issue.
” She concluded her letter by saying that she was unsure whether her letter would ever arrive .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An apologetic Kamala Harris told Donald J. Trump on Monday that she will be unable to provide him with a certified copy of her birth certificate in the absence of a fully functioning postal service.
“In order to obtain a copy of my birth certificate, I have to send a letter to the California Department of Public Health,” she said. “That is really tricky to do without a mailbox.”
If the C.D.P.H. somehow receives her letter, Senator Harris said, “it will then have to mail my birth certificate back to me—again, a difficult task if there is no mail.”
Harris informed Trump that, if by some miracle she were to receive her birth certificate in the mail, “I would then have to mail it to you. Again, not easy.”
The senator said that she was “deeply sorry” that the United States Postal Service’s funding problems would make getting her birth certificate to Trump so challenging.
“I know that the question of my birth has been a cause of great distress to you,” she said. “I would do anything to ease your mind about this issue.”
She concluded her letter by saying that she was unsure whether her letter would ever arrive.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-08-18--Susan B. Anthony Begs Trump Not to Pardon Her: “I Don’t Want to Be on a Wikipedia Page with Roger St

Susan B. Anthony Begs Trump Not to Pardon Her: “I Don’t Want to Be on a Wikipedia Page with Roger Stone”

HEAVEN ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a rare utterance from beyond the grave , Susan B. Anthony on Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ to pardon her , stating , “ I don ’ t want to be on @ @ @ @ @ Roger Stone.
” Noting that an entire Wikipedia page had been created to record the @ @ @ @ @ granted executive clemency , Anthony said , “ It wasn ’ t exactly my dream @ @ @ @ @ same list as a guy with a Nixon tattoo on his back.
” In a @ @ @ @ @ Anthony told Trump , “ Plus , pardoning me would mean that you would now @ @ @ @ @ .
I am physically shuddering up here.
” Anthony noted that it was “ super @ @ @ @ @ to pardon her on the same day that he blasted Michelle Obama .
“ It @ @ @ @ @ were as nice to historic women who are still alive as you are to dead @ @ @ @ @ .

Photograph from Bettmann / Getty
HEAVEN (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare utterance from beyond the grave, Susan B. Anthony on Tuesday begged Donald J. Trump not to pardon her, stating, “I don’t want to be on the same Wikipedia page as Roger Stone.”
Noting that an entire Wikipedia page had been created to record the people to whom Trump had granted executive clemency, Anthony said, “It wasn’t exactly my dream to wind up on the same list as a guy with a Nixon tattoo on his back.”
In a further expression of horror, Anthony told Trump, “Plus, pardoning me would mean that you would now be on my Wikipedia page. I am physically shuddering up here.”
Anthony noted that it was “super ironic” that Trump planned to pardon her on the same day that he blasted Michelle Obama. “It would be cool if you were as nice to historic women who are still alive as you are to dead ones,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-19--Melania to Deliver Convention Speech from Empty Classroom at Trump University

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling it “ a great idea I just had , ” Melania Trump said on Wednesday morning that she would deliver her Republican National Convention speech from an empty classroom at Trump University .
Trump said that , to set the stage for her speech , she would stroll down the hallway of the now shuttered educational institution before settling in at a desk in one of its many disused classrooms .
She indicated that she would use the intimate setting to talk about the many personal challenges that her husband , Donald J.
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ There was that very sad day when he found out that he had bone spurs and could not serve in Vietnam , ” she said .
“ But he somehow stood tall and went on to inherit hundreds of millions of dollars from his father.
” Trump added that , if her husband is reëlected , she hopes that the halls of Trump University “ will be full once again with the happy pitter-patter of students hoping to make fortunes in real estate.
” “ That be best , ” she @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a great idea I just had,” Melania Trump said on Wednesday morning that she would deliver her Republican National Convention speech from an empty classroom at Trump University.
Trump said that, to set the stage for her speech, she would stroll down the hallway of the now shuttered educational institution before settling in at a desk in one of its many disused classrooms.
She indicated that she would use the intimate setting to talk about the many personal challenges that her husband, Donald J. Trump, has faced in his life.
“There was that very sad day when he found out that he had bone spurs and could not serve in Vietnam,” she said. “But he somehow stood tall and went on to inherit hundreds of millions of dollars from his father.”
Trump added that, if her husband is reëlected, she hopes that the halls of Trump University “will be full once again with the happy pitter-patter of students hoping to make fortunes in real estate.”
“That be best,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-20--Trump Fails Cognitive Test When Asked to Remember Steve Bannon

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump ’ s stellar reputation for mental acuity took a hit on @ @ @ @ @ cognitive test in which he was asked to remember Steve Bannon .
According to the @ @ @ @ @ was shown several pictures and asked to identify them , including ones of a woman @ @ @ @ @ camera , a TV , and Steve Bannon .
“ He nailed woman , man @ @ @ @ @ but drew a blank when it came to Steve Bannon , ” the physician said @ @ @ @ @ was unfamiliar with that picture and could not remember ever seeing that person before.
” @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s memory concerning the identity of Steve Bannon , including writing the name @ @ @ @ @ and showing it to him , the physician gave up trying .
On a positive @ @ @ @ @ , Trump ’ s cognition appeared to improve later in the morning , when he @ @ @ @ @ Bannon on Twitter , Facebook , and his phone .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s stellar reputation for mental acuity took a hit on Thursday when he failed a cognitive test in which he was asked to remember Steve Bannon.
According to the White House physician, Trump was shown several pictures and asked to identify them, including ones of a woman, a man, a camera, a TV, and Steve Bannon.
“He nailed woman, man, camera, and TV but drew a blank when it came to Steve Bannon,” the physician said. “He said he was unfamiliar with that picture and could not remember ever seeing that person before.”
After repeated attempts to jog Trump’s memory concerning the identity of Steve Bannon, including writing the name Steve Bannon on a notecard and showing it to him, the physician gave up trying.
On a positive note, the physician said, Trump’s cognition appeared to improve later in the morning, when he was able to block Steve Bannon on Twitter, Facebook, and his phone.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-20--Obama Renews Lease Inside Trump’s Head

Obama Renews Lease Inside Trump’s Head

PHILADELPHIA ( The Borowitz Report ) —Former President Barack Obama announced on Wednesday night that he had renewed his lease @ @ @ @ @ head .
Obama , who took up residence in Trump ’ s head during the @ @ @ @ @ Association dinner , said that his new lease will run until November 3rd of this @ @ @ @ @ ve enjoyed living there for the past nine years , ” Obama said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ only Trump property I ’ d ever consider staying in.
” He confirmed reports that @ @ @ @ @ , his wife , Michelle Obama , had also taken up residence in Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ , there ’ s plenty of room for both of us , ” he said @

PHILADELPHIA (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama announced on Wednesday night that he had renewed his lease inside Donald Trump’s head.
Obama, who took up residence in Trump’s head during the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, said that his new lease will run until November 3rd of this year.
“I’ve enjoyed living there for the past nine years,” Obama said. “It’s really the only Trump property I’d ever consider staying in.”
He confirmed reports that, as of Monday night, his wife, Michelle Obama, had also taken up residence in Trump’s head.
“Fortunately, there’s plenty of room for both of us,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-21--Trump Calls Biden’s Pro-Empathy Message Offensive to Sociopaths

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling it “ hurtful and insulting , ” Donald J. Trump on Friday said @ @ @ @ @ pro-empathy speech at the Democratic National Convention was “ deeply offensive ” to the nation @ @ @ @ @ Biden ’ s incendiary pro-compassion rhetoric , Trump said that the “ roomful of sociopaths @ @ @ @ @ the speech found it “ alienating and divisive.
” “ I was watching with Jared @ @ @ @ @ Mitch McConnell , and when Biden started in on the empathy stuff , we all @ @ @ @ @ he said .
“ He said that he wants to be a President for all @ @ @ @ @ that doesn ’ t include sociopaths.
” Calling Biden “ a puppet of compassionate extremists @ @ @ @ @ the former Vice-President apologize to every sociopath in the country .
“ Sociopaths have feelings @ @ @ @ @ people , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “hurtful and insulting,” Donald J. Trump on Friday said that Joe Biden’s pro-empathy speech at the Democratic National Convention was “deeply offensive” to the nation’s sociopaths.
Blasting Biden’s incendiary pro-compassion rhetoric, Trump said that the “roomful of sociopaths” with whom he watched the speech found it “alienating and divisive.”
“I was watching with Jared, Stephen Miller, and Mitch McConnell, and when Biden started in on the empathy stuff, we all felt very alone,” he said. “He said that he wants to be a President for all Americans, but I guess that doesn’t include sociopaths.”
Calling Biden “a puppet of compassionate extremists,” he demanded that the former Vice-President apologize to every sociopath in the country.
“Sociopaths have feelings, just not for other people,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-24--Steve Bannon Selling Ten-Thousand-Dollar Passes to View Live Stream of Republican National Conventio

Steve Bannon Selling Ten-Thousand-Dollar Passes to View Live Stream of Republican National Convention

CHARLOTTE ( The Borowitz Report ) —In what he is calling “ the opportunity of a lifetime , ” Steve Bannon is offering an exclusive ten-thousand-dollar pass to view a live stream of the 2020 Republican National Convention .
The pass , which Bannon is marketing as the MAGAViewPass™ , will offer customers “ a one-of-a-kind chance to see the R.N.C .
live , as it happens , ” according to his promotional Web site .
“ With the MAGAViewPass™ , you ’ ll be able to bring the excitement of the R.N.C .
into your own home , as @ @ @ @ @ @ @ National Convention on your TV , tablet , or phone , ” the Web site promises .
Additionally , Bannon ’ s site claims , those who purchase the MAGAViewPass™ will get “ unprecedented access ” to live speeches by Vice-President Mike Pence , Melania Trump , and “ Donald J. Trump himself.
” “ You won ’ t see these amazing speeches anywhere else , ” the site boasts .
The MAGAViewPass™ site asserts that “ nearly one hundred per cent ” of proceeds will be donated to Trump ’ s reëlection @ @ @ @ @ @ @ miscellaneous expenses , including but not limited to Bannon ’ s bail .

CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—In what he is calling “the opportunity of a lifetime,” Steve Bannon is offering an exclusive ten-thousand-dollar pass to view a live stream of the 2020 Republican National Convention.
The pass, which Bannon is marketing as the MAGAViewPass™, will offer customers “a one-of-a-kind chance to see the R.N.C. live, as it happens,” according to his promotional Web site.
“With the MAGAViewPass™, you’ll be able to bring the excitement of the R.N.C. into your own home, as you experience the pageantry of the Republican National Convention on your TV, tablet, or phone,” the Web site promises.
Additionally, Bannon’s site claims, those who purchase the MAGAViewPass™ will get “unprecedented access” to live speeches by Vice-President Mike Pence, Melania Trump, and “Donald J. Trump himself.”
“You won’t see these amazing speeches anywhere else,” the site boasts.
The MAGAViewPass™ site asserts that “nearly one hundred per cent” of proceeds will be donated to Trump’s reëlection effort, with a small fraction covering miscellaneous expenses, including but not limited to Bannon’s bail.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-24--Republican National Convention to Air on Syfy Channel

CHARLOTTE ( The Borowitz Report ) —The 2020 Republican National Convention will make history this week when it airs on @ @ @ @ @ ever .
Harland Dorrinson , a programming executive for the science-fiction channel , called the @ @ @ @ @ perfect fit for Syfy.
” “ We ’ d been looking for some fresh science @ @ @ @ @ our summer schedule , ” he said .
“ We feel like we ’ ve @ @ @ @ @ the science-fiction scenarios that the R.N.C .
will likely feature , he said , “ @ @ @ @ @ Trump unveils some of his amazing mad-scientist potions and Pence does something cool about Space @ @ @ @ @ is very on brand for us.
” The decision to broadcast the R.N.C.
, however @ @ @ @ @ from Syfy viewers who were furious to see the Convention preëmpt their favorite programs .
@ @ @ @ @ does not belong on Syfy , ” one irate viewer complained .
“ Science fiction @ @ @ @ @ based on science .
”

CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—The 2020 Republican National Convention will make history this week when it airs on Syfy for the first time ever.
Harland Dorrinson, a programming executive for the science-fiction channel, called the 2020 R.N.C. a “perfect fit for Syfy.”
“We’d been looking for some fresh science fiction/fantasy programming to spice up our summer schedule,” he said. “We feel like we’ve hit the motherlode.”
Previewing the science-fiction scenarios that the R.N.C. will likely feature, he said, “We’re hoping that Trump unveils some of his amazing mad-scientist potions and Pence does something cool about Space Force. The whole show is very on brand for us.”
The decision to broadcast the R.N.C., however, drew howls of protest from Syfy viewers who were furious to see the Convention preëmpt their favorite programs.
“The Republican National Convention does not belong on Syfy,” one irate viewer complained. “Science fiction has to be at least based on science.”


theborowitzreport--2020-08-27--Trump Warns That Biden Presidency Would Mean Regular Mail Service and Sports

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an apocalyptic vision of life under his Democratic rival , Donald Trump will warn on Thursday night that a Biden Presidency would mean regular mail service and sports .
An advance copy of Trump ’ s final R.N.C .
speech reveals that Trump will paint an ominous picture of a nation living under the tyranny of uninterrupted postal delivery and athletic events .
“ Joe Biden and his left-wing puppet masters will take whatever measures they deem necessary to insure that the mail is delivered in a timely fashion , ” he will @ @ @ @ @ @ @ henchwomen , Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez , will stop at nothing to make that nightmare a reality.
” Additionally , Trump will charge , “ If Joe Biden is allowed to wipe out the pandemic and institute police reforms , professional sports will be played like never before.
” “ No city will be safe from sports , ” he will add .
Trump will end his relentlessly downbeat speech on a note of optimism , however .
“ Only one thing can protect America from the sinister threat of mail and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Me .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an apocalyptic vision of life under his Democratic rival, Donald Trump will warn on Thursday night that a Biden Presidency would mean regular mail service and sports.
An advance copy of Trump’s final R.N.C. speech reveals that Trump will paint an ominous picture of a nation living under the tyranny of uninterrupted postal delivery and athletic events.
“Joe Biden and his left-wing puppet masters will take whatever measures they deem necessary to insure that the mail is delivered in a timely fashion,” he will warn. “Biden and his radical henchwomen, Nancy Pelosi and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, will stop at nothing to make that nightmare a reality.”
Additionally, Trump will charge, “If Joe Biden is allowed to wipe out the pandemic and institute police reforms, professional sports will be played like never before.”
“No city will be safe from sports,” he will add.
Trump will end his relentlessly downbeat speech on a note of optimism, however. “Only one thing can protect America from the sinister threat of mail and sports,” he will declare. “Me.”


theborowitzreport--2020-08-26--Hundreds of R.N.C. Attendees Test Positive for Delusion

CHARLOTTE ( The Borowitz Report ) —An outbreak hit the 2020 Republican National Convention this week as hundreds of attendees tested positive for delusion .
While public-health experts have yet to determine the extent of the outbreak , the episodes of attendees exhibiting magical thinking bordering on the hallucinatory appear to be widespread .
Davis Logsdon , who studies delusional epidemics at the University of Minnesota ’ s School of Medicine , said that multiple R.N.C .
participants professed to see things “ that are not actually there , ” such as a strong economy , a successful coronavirus response @ @ @ @ @ @ @ kindness .
In another worrying symptom , Logsdon said that attendees who tested positive were unable to see things that were clearly in their line of vision .
“ One participant on Monday was shouting for more than six minutes despite the presence of a microphone inches away from her , ” he said .
While scientists tried to get their arms around the extent of the outbreak , containing the spread of delusion at the R.N.C .
will be “ challenging , ” Logsdon warned .
“ The most successful treatment for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ have built up an immunity to those over the course of many years , ” he said .

CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—An outbreak hit the 2020 Republican National Convention this week as hundreds of attendees tested positive for delusion.
While public-health experts have yet to determine the extent of the outbreak, the episodes of attendees exhibiting magical thinking bordering on the hallucinatory appear to be widespread.
Davis Logsdon, who studies delusional epidemics at the University of Minnesota’s School of Medicine, said that multiple R.N.C. participants professed to see things “that are not actually there,” such as a strong economy, a successful coronavirus response, and an immigration policy brimming with kindness.
In another worrying symptom, Logsdon said that attendees who tested positive were unable to see things that were clearly in their line of vision. “One participant on Monday was shouting for more than six minutes despite the presence of a microphone inches away from her,” he said.
While scientists tried to get their arms around the extent of the outbreak, containing the spread of delusion at the R.N.C. will be “challenging,” Logsdon warned.
“The most successful treatment for delusion is facts, and these patients have built up an immunity to those over the course of many years,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-25--Melania Trump to Read Passages from Her Best-Selling Book, “Becoming”

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Melania Trump gave a sneak preview of her speech at the 2020 Republican National @ @ @ @ @ would be reading passages from her best-selling memoir , “ Becoming.
” “ I asked @ @ @ @ @ the best way for people to learn more about me ?
” Melania told reporters @ @ @ @ @ “ The answer came loud and clear : my book be best.
” Trump said @ @ @ @ @ from her book that describe her childhood in Chicago and her education at Harvard Law @ @ @ @ @ going to be introducing the American people to a Melania they never knew , Chicago @ @ @ @ @ said .
She said that , unlike in 2016 , she was not concerned about @ @ @ @ @ her R.N.C .
speech this year .
“ When they get low , we get @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Melania Trump gave a sneak preview of her speech at the 2020 Republican National Convention by revealing that she would be reading passages from her best-selling memoir, “Becoming.”
“I asked myself, what’s the best way for people to learn more about me?” Melania told reporters at the White House. “The answer came loud and clear: my book be best.”
Trump said that she had chosen passages from her book that describe her childhood in Chicago and her education at Harvard Law School.
“I am going to be introducing the American people to a Melania they never knew, Chicago lawyer lady,” she said.
She said that, unlike in 2016, she was not concerned about what critics might say about her R.N.C. speech this year. “When they get low, we get high,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-28--Ivanka Trump Beseeches American People: “I Can’t Get a Job Anywhere Else”

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an attempt to humanize her father ’ s reëlection campaign , an emotional Ivanka Trump used her R.N.C .
speech to reveal to the American people , “ I can ’ t get a job anywhere else.
” “ The past few years have been super rough for me , ever since my shoe company went south , ” she confided .
“ I thought the shoes were pretty , and I was really surprised when no one wanted to wear them .
They ’ re all in storage at Mar-a-lago , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Speaking movingly of her father , Trump said , “ He gave me a job when no one else in the world would.
” Expounding on her father ’ s benevolence , she added , “ And , while we ’ re on the subject of jobs , do you honestly think that anyone else in the world would hire Jared as a senior adviser ?
No way.
” Capping her emotional pitch , Trump said , “ I am begging you , my fellow-Americans , to please give Jared and me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ figured out .
After that , we swear we ’ ll move out and look for real jobs .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an attempt to humanize her father’s reëlection campaign, an emotional Ivanka Trump used her R.N.C. speech to reveal to the American people, “I can’t get a job anywhere else.”
“The past few years have been super rough for me, ever since my shoe company went south,” she confided. “I thought the shoes were pretty, and I was really surprised when no one wanted to wear them. They’re all in storage at Mar-a-lago, and we can’t give them away.”
Speaking movingly of her father, Trump said, “He gave me a job when no one else in the world would.”
Expounding on her father’s benevolence, she added, “And, while we’re on the subject of jobs, do you honestly think that anyone else in the world would hire Jared as a senior adviser? No way.”
Capping her emotional pitch, Trump said, “I am begging you, my fellow-Americans, to please give Jared and me four more years to get our shit figured out. After that, we swear we’ll move out and look for real jobs.”


theborowitzreport--2020-08-29--Trump Says He Could Beat LeBron James in a Dunk Contest If Not for Bone Spurs

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump escalated his war of words with LeBron James on Saturday by saying that he could defeat the N.B.A .
star in a dunk contest were it not for bone spurs .
“ I ’ ve seen LeBron James on TV , and , quite frankly , I don ’ t think he ’ s very good at basketball , ” Trump said .
“ The media is very unfairly biased in favor of him because he ’ s a Democrat , and I think it ’ s a disgrace.
” “ You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shoots the ball , it doesn ’ t go into the basket , ” he said .
“ If I try to drink a glass of water and miss my mouth , it ’ s all CNN talks about.
” Trump said that it was “ very sad ” that his bone spurs would keep him from showing off his slam-dunk form , which he called “ poetry in motion.
” “ A lot of people are saying that I ’ m better at dunking than that beauty LeBron , ” he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ people.
” At the N.B.A .
bubble , in Orlando , James responded that he understood that the President ’ s foot woes would prevent him from participating in a dunk contest , but said that he would be happy to face Trump in a spelling contest .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump escalated his war of words with LeBron James on Saturday by saying that he could defeat the N.B.A. star in a dunk contest were it not for bone spurs.
“I’ve seen LeBron James on TV, and, quite frankly, I don’t think he’s very good at basketball,” Trump said. “The media is very unfairly biased in favor of him because he’s a Democrat, and I think it’s a disgrace.”
“You look at LeBron and sometimes when he shoots the ball, it doesn’t go into the basket,” he said. “If I try to drink a glass of water and miss my mouth, it’s all CNN talks about.”
Trump said that it was “very sad” that his bone spurs would keep him from showing off his slam-dunk form, which he called “poetry in motion.”
“A lot of people are saying that I’m better at dunking than that beauty LeBron,” he said. “A lot of very smart people.”
At the N.B.A. bubble, in Orlando, James responded that he understood that the President’s foot woes would prevent him from participating in a dunk contest, but said that he would be happy to face Trump in a spelling contest.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-31--Concerned Citizens Urge Trump to Stay Away from United States

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump ’ s plans to travel to Kenosha , Wisconsin , hit @ @ @ @ @ after millions of concerned Americans wrote a letter urging him to stay away from the @ @ @ @ @ letter , the Americans told Trump that his “ message of hatred and intolerance ” @ @ @ @ @ country .
“ What the United States needs now is calm , and your presence @ @ @ @ @ achieving that , ” the letter continued .
“ Please stay away.
” Although Trump @ @ @ @ @ since taking office , the letter appears to be the first effort that directly targets @ @ @ @ @ Trump ’ s response to the letter , the White House press secretary , Kayleigh @ @ @ @ @ President Trump does not have a policy of reading .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s plans to travel to Kenosha, Wisconsin, hit a snag on Monday, after millions of concerned Americans wrote a letter urging him to stay away from the United States.
In the letter, the Americans told Trump that his “message of hatred and intolerance” is not welcome in their country.
“What the United States needs now is calm, and your presence here would be counterproductive to achieving that,” the letter continued. “Please stay away.”
Although Trump has issued many travel bans since taking office, the letter appears to be the first effort that directly targets him.
When asked for Trump’s response to the letter, the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said, “President Trump does not have a policy of reading.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-01--Trump Says He Deserves No Blame for State of America Because He Has Not Actually Worked for Past Fou

Trump Says He Deserves No Blame for State of America Because He Has Not Actually Worked for Past Four Years

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Pushing back against attempts to brand the United States of 2020 as “ Trump ’ s America , ” Donald Trump said that he deserves no blame for the state of the country , because he has not actually done any work for the past four years .
“ I could understand people blaming me for things if I had actually been doing my job , but , quite frankly , I haven ’ t , ” he said .
“ Anybody who claims otherwise is a terrible person.
” “ CNN , which @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s the White House ’ s fault for this and the White House ’ s fault for that , ” he added .
“ Well , I ’ ve hardly been at the White House , so , once again , they ’ re wrong.
” Attempting to answer the question of whose America it is , if not his , Trump said , “ The last President who actually worked at the White House was Barack Obama .
So if this is anybody ’ s America it ’ s his and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ saying that .
They ’ re sick of living in Biden ’ s America , and we can not give Joe Biden another four years.
” He rejected any suggestion that , as President , he must own the current conditions in America , asserting , “ I know what I own and what I don ’ t own .
I own Bill Barr .
I own Mitch McConnell .
I don ’ t own America .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Pushing back against attempts to brand the United States of 2020 as “Trump’s America,” Donald Trump said that he deserves no blame for the state of the country, because he has not actually done any work for the past four years.
“I could understand people blaming me for things if I had actually been doing my job, but, quite frankly, I haven’t,” he said. “Anybody who claims otherwise is a terrible person.”
“CNN, which is a disgrace, says that it’s the White House’s fault for this and the White House’s fault for that,” he added. “Well, I’ve hardly been at the White House, so, once again, they’re wrong.”
Attempting to answer the question of whose America it is, if not his, Trump said, “The last President who actually worked at the White House was Barack Obama. So if this is anybody’s America it’s his and Sleepy Joe’s. People are saying that. They’re sick of living in Biden’s America, and we cannot give Joe Biden another four years.”
He rejected any suggestion that, as President, he must own the current conditions in America, asserting, “I know what I own and what I don’t own. I own Bill Barr. I own Mitch McConnell. I don’t own America.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-09-02--Trump Claims That Sleepy Person With No Energy Will Somehow Be Peppy Enough to Destroy Entire Countr

Trump Claims That Sleepy Person With No Energy Will Somehow Be Peppy Enough to Destroy Entire Country

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump claimed on Wednesday that Joe Biden is “ incredibly sleepy ” and has “ zero energy , ” yet somehow is peppy enough to destroy life in the United States as we know it .
Speaking to Sean Hannity on Fox News , Trump attempted to explain the apparent contradiction between a person being barely sentient yet capable of singlehandedly dismantling a global superpower .
“ Sleepy Joe is practically unconscious and almost doesn ’ t have a pulse , ” Trump said .
“ But that ’ s because he has @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like a bear.
” Trump went on to say that he had seen a documentary about bears on Animal Planet “ that was so scary , every voter needs to see it.
” “ This bear hibernated all winter , but then , when he woke up , he had enough energy to rip a hiker ’ s face off , ” he said .
“ Just you watch .
Joe Biden is conserving his energy right now , but , as sure as you ’ re sitting there , the minute he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s face off.
” Trump said that , in November , the American people face a stark choice .
“ It ’ s between me , their favorite President , and an angry bear who hasn ’ t eaten in months , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump claimed on Wednesday that Joe Biden is “incredibly sleepy” and has “zero energy,” yet somehow is peppy enough to destroy life in the United States as we know it.
Speaking to Sean Hannity on Fox News, Trump attempted to explain the apparent contradiction between a person being barely sentient yet capable of singlehandedly dismantling a global superpower.
“Sleepy Joe is practically unconscious and almost doesn’t have a pulse,” Trump said. “But that’s because he has put his entire body into hibernation, like a bear.”
Trump went on to say that he had seen a documentary about bears on Animal Planet “that was so scary, every voter needs to see it.”
“This bear hibernated all winter, but then, when he woke up, he had enough energy to rip a hiker’s face off,” he said. “Just you watch. Joe Biden is conserving his energy right now, but, as sure as you’re sitting there, the minute he takes office he will rip this country’s face off.”
Trump said that, in November, the American people face a stark choice. “It’s between me, their favorite President, and an angry bear who hasn’t eaten in months,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-03--Trump Blasts Supporters Who Plan to Vote for Him Only Once

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a withering critique of his own voters , Donald J. Trump on Thursday @ @ @ @ @ vote for him only once .
Speaking to reporters , Trump called supporters who intend @ @ @ @ @ for him “ disgracefully low-energy , ” claiming that they are “ like Jeb Bush @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I like supporters who have stamina , ” he said .
“ Stamina @ @ @ @ @ me until someone tells you to stop.
” He said that voters should vote for @ @ @ @ @ again in person , and “ maybe even more than that.
” “ Let ’ @ @ @ @ @ person , ” he said .
“ Go away , put a mustache or wig @ @ @ @ @ vote again.
” Asked about the legality of Trump ’ s suggestions , Attorney General @ @ @ @ @ As Attorney General , I try to stay out of things involving laws .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a withering critique of his own voters, Donald J. Trump on Thursday blasted supporters who plan to vote for him only once.
Speaking to reporters, Trump called supporters who intend to cast only one vote for him “disgracefully low-energy,” claiming that they are “like Jeb Bush and Sleepy Joe put together.”
“I like supporters who have stamina,” he said. “Stamina means you keep voting for me until someone tells you to stop.”
He said that voters should vote for him once by mail, again in person, and “maybe even more than that.”
“Let’s say you vote in person,” he said. “Go away, put a mustache or wig on, and try to vote again.”
Asked about the legality of Trump’s suggestions, Attorney General Bill Barr said, “As Attorney General, I try to stay out of things involving laws.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-03--Trump Urged to Take Improv Class to Make His Invented Stories Richer in Detail

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump should take an improv class to make the stories that he creates out of thin air richer in detail , a leading improv expert advised .
Harland Dorrinson , a founding member of Yes/And TheatreWorks , the legendary improv group in St. Louis , said that a grounding in improv would help Trump craft stories that “ at least sound like they could be true.
” Dorrinson said that he recently watched a scene performed by Trump and Laura Ingraham , of Fox News , that demonstrated just how much the President @ @ @ @ @ @ @ improv workshop .
“ Laura Ingraham was giving him great prompts , but he didn ’ t build on them , ” he said .
“ She asked him to describe the thugs on planes , and he had nothing.
” “ He said that they were wearing ‘ dark uniforms , black uniforms with gear and this and that , ’ ” Dorrinson said .
“ Then he said that they came from ‘ a certain city ’ and that he heard all of this from ‘ a person.
’ If you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stage , the audience would demand its money back.
” Despite his criticism , Dorrinson believes that Trump “ has what it takes ” to be a solid improv performer .
“ He has a wild imagination and a truly demented stage presence , but he needs to get serious and put in the work , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump should take an improv class to make the stories that he creates out of thin air richer in detail, a leading improv expert advised.
Harland Dorrinson, a founding member of Yes/And TheatreWorks, the legendary improv group in St. Louis, said that a grounding in improv would help Trump craft stories that “at least sound like they could be true.”
Dorrinson said that he recently watched a scene performed by Trump and Laura Ingraham, of Fox News, that demonstrated just how much the President could benefit from taking a beginners’ improv workshop.
“Laura Ingraham was giving him great prompts, but he didn’t build on them,” he said. “She asked him to describe the thugs on planes, and he had nothing.”
“He said that they were wearing ‘dark uniforms, black uniforms with gear and this and that,’ ” Dorrinson said. “Then he said that they came from ‘a certain city’ and that he heard all of this from ‘a person.’ If you did an improv that lazy on our stage, the audience would demand its money back.”
Despite his criticism, Dorrinson believes that Trump “has what it takes” to be a solid improv performer.
“He has a wild imagination and a truly demented stage presence, but he needs to get serious and put in the work,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-08--Sarah Huckabee Sanders Lends Her Impeccable Reputation for Honesty and Credibility to Defending Trum

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Lends Her Impeccable Reputation for Honesty and Credibility to Defending Trump

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Refuting reports that her former boss disparaged fallen soldiers , Sarah Huckabee Sanders has lent her impeccable reputation for honesty and credibility to defending Donald J. Trump .
White House officials breathed a deep sigh of relief after Sanders , widely considered one of the most trustworthy and sincere figures in the nation , called the allegations “ malicious lies.
” “ If the comments attributed to the President have alarmed any voters , Sarah ’ s vouching for him should put an end to that , ” one aide said .
“ When @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Sanders is the gold standard.
” The aide said that Sanders ’ s candid and straight-shooting performances at the White House podium made her legendary as “ one of the most honest people ever to work in this building.
” “ People talk about George Washington and Abraham Lincoln , but Sarah Huckabee Sanders has to be in that conversation , too , ” he said .
The aide said he hoped that Sanders ’ s repudiation of the damning claims will encourage other beacons of truth to come forward to defend Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , we ’ re golden , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Refuting reports that her former boss disparaged fallen soldiers, Sarah Huckabee Sanders has lent her impeccable reputation for honesty and credibility to defending Donald J. Trump.
White House officials breathed a deep sigh of relief after Sanders, widely considered one of the most trustworthy and sincere figures in the nation, called the allegations “malicious lies.”
“If the comments attributed to the President have alarmed any voters, Sarah’s vouching for him should put an end to that,” one aide said. “When it comes to truth-telling, Sarah Huckabee Sanders is the gold standard.”
The aide said that Sanders’s candid and straight-shooting performances at the White House podium made her legendary as “one of the most honest people ever to work in this building.”
“People talk about George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, but Sarah Huckabee Sanders has to be in that conversation, too,” he said.
The aide said he hoped that Sanders’s repudiation of the damning claims will encourage other beacons of truth to come forward to defend Trump. “If Kellyanne Conway speaks out, we’re golden,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-09--Department of Justice to Pick Up Trump’s Laundry

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a move that many in the legal profession and laundry industry called unprecedented , Attorney General William Barr announced that the Department of Justice will start picking up Donald J. Trump ’ s dry cleaning , effective immediately .
Speaking to reporters at the Department of Justice , Barr said that the D.O.J .
would assume full responsibility for dropping off and picking up “ items including but not limited to President Trump ’ s shirts , suits , slacks , socks , and undergarments.
” Congressional Democrats howled in protest at Barr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ money should not be used to pick up laundry items that were purchased while Trump was a private citizen .
But Barr pushed back against that criticism , claiming that “ the legal principle in question is not when the President purchased these items but when he stained them.
” To illustrate his point , Barr held up one of Trump ’ s red ties and indicated a clearly visible mustard stain—which , the Attorney General claimed , the tie suffered last week .
At that point , Barr abruptly ended his @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to get Trump ’ s brown loafers reheeled .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that many in the legal profession and laundry industry called unprecedented, Attorney General William Barr announced that the Department of Justice will start picking up Donald J. Trump’s dry cleaning, effective immediately.
Speaking to reporters at the Department of Justice, Barr said that the D.O.J. would assume full responsibility for dropping off and picking up “items including but not limited to President Trump’s shirts, suits, slacks, socks, and undergarments.”
Congressional Democrats howled in protest at Barr’s decision, arguing that taxpayers’ money should not be used to pick up laundry items that were purchased while Trump was a private citizen.
But Barr pushed back against that criticism, claiming that “the legal principle in question is not when the President purchased these items but when he stained them.”
To illustrate his point, Barr held up one of Trump’s red ties and indicated a clearly visible mustard stain—which, the Attorney General claimed, the tie suffered last week.
At that point, Barr abruptly ended his press conference, stating that he had to get Trump’s brown loafers reheeled.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-09--Trump Threatens to Move to Suburbs If Biden Wins

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Hoping to stoke suburban voters ’ deepest fears , Donald Trump has threatened to move to the suburbs if Joe Biden wins the November election .
Issuing the terrifying ultimatum in a series of seventy-four tweets , Trump warned that , if he relocates , “ Your beautiful suburbs will be destroyed forever.
” Forcing suburban voters to imagine the horrific reality of having him live next door , Trump tweeted , “ If you wonder what kind of neighbor I would be , just ask Canada and Mexico.
” “ I will treat @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” he threatened .
“ Don ’ t park your car on the street unless you want your windshield cracked.
” “ Since I don ’ t believe in global warming , I won ’ t be recycling , ” he added .
“ I ’ ll just toss my empty Diet Cokes over the fence and into your yard.
” Saving his most chilling threat for last , Trump warned , “ When I move to the suburbs , I will be taking Don , Jr. , and Kimberly Guilfoyle with @ @ @ @ @ @ @ precious peace and quiet goodbye , suburban suckers and losers .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to stoke suburban voters’ deepest fears, Donald Trump has threatened to move to the suburbs if Joe Biden wins the November election.
Issuing the terrifying ultimatum in a series of seventy-four tweets, Trump warned that, if he relocates, “Your beautiful suburbs will be destroyed forever.”
Forcing suburban voters to imagine the horrific reality of having him live next door, Trump tweeted, “If you wonder what kind of neighbor I would be, just ask Canada and Mexico.”
“I will treat my front lawn like a driving range,” he threatened. “Don’t park your car on the street unless you want your windshield cracked.”
“Since I don’t believe in global warming, I won’t be recycling,” he added. “I’ll just toss my empty Diet Cokes over the fence and into your yard.”
Saving his most chilling threat for last, Trump warned, “When I move to the suburbs, I will be taking Don, Jr., and Kimberly Guilfoyle with me. So you can kiss your precious peace and quiet goodbye, suburban suckers and losers.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-10--Kayleigh McEnany Claims No One Has Worked Harder Than Trump to Protect Americans from Facts

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a full-throated defense of Donald J. Trump ’ s coronavirus response , the @ @ @ @ @ Kayleigh McEnany , said on Thursday that no one has worked harder than the President @ @ @ @ @ from facts .
“ President Trump had the facts about the coronavirus as early as @ @ @ @ @ reporters .
“ If he had not taken bold and swift action , those facts @ @ @ @ @ ” She drew a sharp contrast between the United States and countries such as South @ @ @ @ @ “ where facts have spread out of control.
” “ It all comes down to @ @ @ @ @ .
McEnany added that Trump ’ s war on facts was “ far from over @ @ @ @ @ “ daily struggle.
” “ This President has worked tirelessly , every day , to @ @ @ @ @ to the American people , and on Election Day the American people will repay him @ @ @ @ @ said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a full-throated defense of Donald J. Trump’s coronavirus response, the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said on Thursday that no one has worked harder than the President to protect the American people from facts.
“President Trump had the facts about the coronavirus as early as February,” she told reporters. “If he had not taken bold and swift action, those facts could have spread like wildfire.”
She drew a sharp contrast between the United States and countries such as South Korea and New Zealand, “where facts have spread out of control.”
“It all comes down to leadership,” she said.
McEnany added that Trump’s war on facts was “far from over,” calling it a “daily struggle.”
“This President has worked tirelessly, every day, to prevent facts from being transmitted to the American people, and on Election Day the American people will repay him for that,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-10--Trump’s Agreeing to Talk to Woodward Shows Downside of Never Having Read a Book in Entire Life

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump ’ s decision to talk to Bob Woodward demonstrates the downside of never having read a book in his entire life , experts say .
While millions of Americans were astonished that Trump would voluntarily speak at great length to an author famous for his takedowns of Presidents , experts believe that a total obliviousness to books and what is inside them might have played a pivotal role .
Davis Logsdon , a University of Minnesota professor who studies the psychology of people who have never read a book in their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be overconfident about how they would be portrayed if a book were ever written about them .
“ If you ’ ve never read a book in your life , you might be under the impression that all books are flattering , ” he said .
“ You would have no idea that a book could portray you as a human dumpster fire.
” As for Trump , Logsdon said that the President would “ definitely benefit ” from reading a book someday , but added , “ It ’ s a little @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s decision to talk to Bob Woodward demonstrates the downside of never having read a book in his entire life, experts say.
While millions of Americans were astonished that Trump would voluntarily speak at great length to an author famous for his takedowns of Presidents, experts believe that a total obliviousness to books and what is inside them might have played a pivotal role.
Davis Logsdon, a University of Minnesota professor who studies the psychology of people who have never read a book in their lives, said that such people might be overconfident about how they would be portrayed if a book were ever written about them.
“If you’ve never read a book in your life, you might be under the impression that all books are flattering,” he said. “You would have no idea that a book could portray you as a human dumpster fire.”
As for Trump, Logsdon said that the President would “definitely benefit” from reading a book someday, but added, “It’s a little late for that now.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-11--Trump Agrees to Be Interviewed for New Book by Joe Biden

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a decision that surprised many political insiders , Donald J. Trump has agreed to be interviewed for a new book by Joe Biden .
According to Biden , the book will be “ an in-depth examination of the Trump Presidency , with special emphasis on his handling of the coronavirus pandemic and his comments about the military.
” Trump said that , when Biden approached him about the book project , “ I moved on it very strongly.
” “ This is a fantastic opportunity for me , quite frankly , ” Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to be a major book , and I think Joe is going to make me look really good in it.
” Asked about the logistics of the interview , Trump said , “ Joe told me to call him up late at night and just start rambling .
This is the kind of thing I ’ m really , really good at , because I ’ m very smart.
” Biden ’ s book , titled “ Don ’ t Vote for Donald Trump , ” is set to go on sale a @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a decision that surprised many political insiders, Donald J. Trump has agreed to be interviewed for a new book by Joe Biden.
According to Biden, the book will be “an in-depth examination of the Trump Presidency, with special emphasis on his handling of the coronavirus pandemic and his comments about the military.”
Trump said that, when Biden approached him about the book project, “I moved on it very strongly.”
“This is a fantastic opportunity for me, quite frankly,” Trump said. “It’s going to be a major book, and I think Joe is going to make me look really good in it.”
Asked about the logistics of the interview, Trump said, “Joe told me to call him up late at night and just start rambling. This is the kind of thing I’m really, really good at, because I’m very smart.”
Biden’s book, titled “Don’t Vote for Donald Trump,” is set to go on sale a week before the election.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-13--P.A. System at Trump Rally Accidentally Blasts Woodward Tapes

MINDEN , NEVADA ( The Borowitz Report ) —Questions arose after the P.A .
system at a Trump rally in @ @ @ @ @ Bob Woodward ’ s interviews with the President .
As supporters streamed into the rally @ @ @ @ @ such classic rock songs as “ Fortunate Son ” and “ You Can ’ t @ @ @ @ @ ” were supplanted by audio of Trump acknowledging that the coronavirus was far deadlier than @ @ @ @ @ was heard revealing the details of a previously secret weapons program , campaign aides frantically @ @ @ @ @ and started scrambling for an explanation .
“ We have no idea how this happened @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Jared was in charge of the playlist.
” Unlike artists like John Fogerty @ @ @ @ @ Woodward said that he wholeheartedly endorsed the Trump campaign ’ s use of his recordings @ @ @ @ @ If the people at these rallies watch Fox News , this might be the only @ @ @ @ @ , ” Woodward said .

MINDEN, NEVADA (The Borowitz Report)—Questions arose after the P.A. system at a Trump rally in Nevada accidentally blasted excerpts from Bob Woodward’s interviews with the President.
As supporters streamed into the rally, the customary sounds of such classic rock songs as “Fortunate Son” and “You Can’t Always Get What You Want” were supplanted by audio of Trump acknowledging that the coronavirus was far deadlier than a flu.
After Trump was heard revealing the details of a previously secret weapons program, campaign aides frantically disconnected the P.A. system and started scrambling for an explanation.
“We have no idea how this happened,” one aide said. “Jared was in charge of the playlist.”
Unlike artists like John Fogerty and the Rolling Stones, Woodward said that he wholeheartedly endorsed the Trump campaign’s use of his recordings at its rallies.
“If the people at these rallies watch Fox News, this might be the only way they hear these tapes,” Woodward said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-14--Trump Accuses Biden of Using Performance-Enhancing Books

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Hinting darkly that “ people are saying there ’ s something going on , @ @ @ @ @ that the former Vice-President Joe Biden is using “ performance-enhancing books.
” Pointing to Biden @ @ @ @ @ the Vice-Presidential debates of 2008 and 2012 , Trump alleged , “ It ’ s @ @ @ @ @ the influence of books.
” “ Every time he got asked a question , he @ @ @ @ @ air , ” Trump said .
“ You can ’ t do that unless you @ @ @ @ @ books.
” Trump warned that , unless he is caught , Biden will try to @ @ @ @ @ Presidential debates , which start later this month , and urged that both candidates be @ @ @ @ @ contest .
“ I have no problem with being tested , ” Trump declared .
@ @ @ @ @ per cent book-free .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hinting darkly that “people are saying there’s something going on,” Donald J. Trump claimed that the former Vice-President Joe Biden is using “performance-enhancing books.”
Pointing to Biden’s strong performances in the Vice-Presidential debates of 2008 and 2012, Trump alleged, “It’s clear that he was under the influence of books.”
“Every time he got asked a question, he pulled facts out of thin air,” Trump said. “You can’t do that unless you’re pumped up on books.”
Trump warned that, unless he is caught, Biden will try to use performance-enhancing books before the Presidential debates, which start later this month, and urged that both candidates be tested for books before the contest.
“I have no problem with being tested,” Trump declared. “I am a hundred per cent book-free.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-17--Trump Claims Dog Ate His Health-Care Plan

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump ’ s promise to release a long-delayed health-care plan hit a snag when his dog ate the only existing copy of the plan , the President disclosed .
“ I left the plan on my desk , and somehow the dog got up there and ate it , ” he said .
“ It ’ s a bad dog , quite frankly.
” Trump ’ s explanation met with raised eyebrows from the White House press corps , none of whom had been previously aware that the President had a dog @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump said , “ It has , you know , paws , and fur , and that head that dogs have .
It ’ s a very basic dog that you would see.
” Pressed to reveal the dog ’ s name , Trump said , “ I didn ’ t name it , because I don ’ t name dogs unless they do a good job .
I ’ m not like Obama , who named every dog he got .
I wish Obama ’ s dog had eaten Obamacare .
We @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” The White House press secretary , Kayleigh McEnany , later announced that Trump ’ s dog would be taking an indefinite leave of absence .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s promise to release a long-delayed health-care plan hit a snag when his dog ate the only existing copy of the plan, the President disclosed.
“I left the plan on my desk, and somehow the dog got up there and ate it,” he said. “It’s a bad dog, quite frankly.”
Trump’s explanation met with raised eyebrows from the White House press corps, none of whom had been previously aware that the President had a dog.
Asked to describe the dog, Trump said, “It has, you know, paws, and fur, and that head that dogs have. It’s a very basic dog that you would see.”
Pressed to reveal the dog’s name, Trump said, “I didn’t name it, because I don’t name dogs unless they do a good job. I’m not like Obama, who named every dog he got. I wish Obama’s dog had eaten Obamacare. We wouldn’t be in this mess.”
The White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, later announced that Trump’s dog would be taking an indefinite leave of absence.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-16--Scientists Believe Congressional Republicans Have Developed Herd Mentality

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Researchers at the University of Minnesota believe that Republican members of Congress have obtained @ @ @ @ @ of herd mentality , a new study shows .
According to the study , the @ @ @ @ @ obtaining herd mentality , the G.O.P .
lawmakers have developed “ near-total immunity ” to @ @ @ @ @ , and audio tapes .
Herd mentality was observed in congressional Republicans from every region @ @ @ @ @ the exception of one senator from Utah , Mitt Romney , who was deemed an @ @ @ @ @ .
Davis Logsdon , the scientist who supervised the study , said that Republicans were @ @ @ @ @ degree never before observed in humans .
“ Herd mentality at these levels historically has @ @ @ @ @ species , like lemmings , ” the researcher said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Researchers at the University of Minnesota believe that Republican members of Congress have obtained “extremely high” levels of herd mentality, a new study shows.
According to the study, the researchers found that, in obtaining herd mentality, the G.O.P. lawmakers have developed “near-total immunity” to damning books, news reports, and audio tapes.
Herd mentality was observed in congressional Republicans from every region of the country, with the exception of one senator from Utah, Mitt Romney, who was deemed an outlier and therefore statistically insignificant.
Davis Logsdon, the scientist who supervised the study, said that Republicans were exhibiting herd mentality to a degree never before observed in humans.
“Herd mentality at these levels historically has appeared only in other mammal species, like lemmings,” the researcher said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-15--Trump Says Earth Will Cool Down If Everyone Just Turns On Air-Conditioning

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Blasting “ dumb scientists for not thinking of this before , ” Donald J.
@ @ @ @ @ would cool down “ right away ” if everyone would just turn on the air-conditioning @ @ @ @ @ with their lab coats and test tubes and act like the planet is burning up @ @ @ @ @ “ I guess those beauties have never thought of turning on the A.C. ” “ @ @ @ @ @ ” he said .
“ It ’ s the hydroxychloroquine of climate.
” Arguing that @ @ @ @ @ on math , ” Trump illustrated what would happen to the planet ’ s temperature @ @ @ @ @ all turned on the air-conditioning at the exact same time .
“ Let ’ s @ @ @ @ @ turned down the A.C. four degrees , ” he said .
“ Just like that @ @ @ @ @ eight billion degrees cooler.
” Trump disclosed that he did not come up with this @ @ @ @ @ , acknowledging the assistance of the Secretary of Education , Betsy DeVos .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blasting “dumb scientists for not thinking of this before,” Donald J. Trump said that the planet would cool down “right away” if everyone would just turn on the air-conditioning.
“Scientists go around with their lab coats and test tubes and act like the planet is burning up,” he said. “I guess those beauties have never thought of turning on the A.C.”
“Air-conditioning is the answer,” he said. “It’s the hydroxychloroquine of climate.”
Arguing that his theory was “based on math,” Trump illustrated what would happen to the planet’s temperature if people around the world all turned on the air-conditioning at the exact same time.
“Let’s say two billion people each turned down the A.C. four degrees,” he said. “Just like that, the planet would be eight billion degrees cooler.”
Trump disclosed that he did not come up with this mathematical equation all by himself, acknowledging the assistance of the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-21--Kavanaugh Warns That Expanding Size of Supreme Court Would Require More Kegs

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Responding to speculation that Democrats might seek to expand the size of the Supreme @ @ @ @ @ that doing so would require an increased number of kegs .
Kavanaugh expressed concern that @ @ @ @ @ Court Justices without acquiring additional kegs might result in a “ replay of the regrettable @ @ @ @ @ One time during Beach Week , I was throwing this rad party with P.J .
@ @ @ @ @ said .
“ Out of nowhere , Tobin shows up and brings four of his @ @ @ @ @ that would have been fine if Tobin ’ s friends drank a normal amount , @ @ @ @ @ party , ” he said .
“ It was a classic Tobin move.
” Kavanaugh @ @ @ @ @ of the Court without a commensurate increase in kegs would set “ a very dangerous @ @ @ @ @ new Justices are anything like Tobin ’ s buds , the situation will be heinous @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to speculation that Democrats might seek to expand the size of the Supreme Court, Brett Kavanaugh warned that doing so would require an increased number of kegs.
Kavanaugh expressed concern that increasing the number of Supreme Court Justices without acquiring additional kegs might result in a “replay of the regrettable Beach Week incident.”
“One time during Beach Week, I was throwing this rad party with P.J. and Squee,” he said. “Out of nowhere, Tobin shows up and brings four of his friends.”
“Well, that would have been fine if Tobin’s friends drank a normal amount, but those dudes liked to party,” he said. “It was a classic Tobin move.”
Kavanaugh said that expanding the size of the Court without a commensurate increase in kegs would set “a very dangerous precedent.”
“If the new Justices are anything like Tobin’s buds, the situation will be heinous,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-20--Trump Says Supreme Court Nominee Will Be Woman, Person, Camera, or TV

FAYETTEVILLE , N.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump dropped a major hint about his upcoming Supreme Court @ @ @ @ @ his nominee will be a woman , person , camera , or TV .
“ @ @ @ @ @ , ” Trump roared at a rally in North Carolina , adding , “ person @ @ @ @ @ According to White House sources , Trump has already drawn up a short list of @ @ @ @ @ Coney Barrett , the Canon Sure Shot Z115 , and the Samsung Q900TS QLED 8K @ @ @ @ @ The uproar engulfing Trump ’ s plan to nominate a Supreme Court Justice before the @ @ @ @ @ the revelation that he was considering an inanimate object for the job .
Senator Mitch @ @ @ @ @ off the controversy .
“ If the President nominates a camera or a TV , @ @ @ @ @ through , ” he said .

FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump dropped a major hint about his upcoming Supreme Court pick by telling supporters that his nominee will be a woman, person, camera, or TV.
“I will choose a woman,” Trump roared at a rally in North Carolina, adding, “person, camera, TV.”
According to White House sources, Trump has already drawn up a short list of potential nominees, including Amy Coney Barrett, the Canon Sure Shot Z115, and the Samsung Q900TS QLED 8K UHD HDR Smart TV.
The uproar engulfing Trump’s plan to nominate a Supreme Court Justice before the election only grew louder with the revelation that he was considering an inanimate object for the job.
Senator Mitch McConnell, however, brushed off the controversy. “If the President nominates a camera or a TV, we’ll ram it through,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-22--Merrick Garland Sitting in Parked Car in Mitch McConnell’s Driveway

LOUISVILLE , KENTUCKY ( The Borowitz Report ) —Merrick Garland is sitting in a parked car in Mitch McConnell ’ s driveway , hoping for a meeting with the Senate Majority Leader , Garland has confirmed .
Garland , who has been sitting in his Nissan Sentra in McConnell ’ s driveway since Monday , said that he is “ encouraged ” by recent developments indicating that Republicans have changed their minds about confirming a Supreme Court Justice during an election year .
“ Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham thought it was a terrible idea in 2016 , but for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ around , ” he said .
“ All I can say is , playing the waiting game is about to pay off big time for one Merrick Garland.
” Garland , who has not seen McConnell enter or leave his home since the judge first parked his Sentra in the driveway , was baffled by speculation that the Kentucky senator has been hiding in his kitchen to avoid an encounter with him .
“ That makes zero sense to me , ” Garland said .
“ If I ’ m going to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ve got to get going on this thing .
”

LOUISVILLE, KENTUCKY (The Borowitz Report)—Merrick Garland is sitting in a parked car in Mitch McConnell’s driveway, hoping for a meeting with the Senate Majority Leader, Garland has confirmed.
Garland, who has been sitting in his Nissan Sentra in McConnell’s driveway since Monday, said that he is “encouraged” by recent developments indicating that Republicans have changed their minds about confirming a Supreme Court Justice during an election year.
“Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham thought it was a terrible idea in 2016, but for whatever reason they’ve really come around,” he said. “All I can say is, playing the waiting game is about to pay off big time for one Merrick Garland.”
Garland, who has not seen McConnell enter or leave his home since the judge first parked his Sentra in the driveway, was baffled by speculation that the Kentucky senator has been hiding in his kitchen to avoid an encounter with him.
“That makes zero sense to me,” Garland said. “If I’m going to be confirmed before the election, we’ve got to get going on this thing.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-22--Trump Suspected of Altering C.D.C. Web Site After C.D.C. Is Misspelled

ATLANTA ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump was accused of altering the content on the C.D.C .
Web site , after a post appeared in which C.D.C .
was misspelled .
The post in question urged visitors to stop visiting the C.D.C site for coronavirus guidance because “ there ’ s a lot that scientists don ’ t know , O.K .
?
” “ There will be a vaccine very , very soon , and even if there isn ’ t , the virus will disappear like magic , ” the post continued .
“ We are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ A-plus , quite frankly .
Sincerely , the W.W.E.
” At the agency ’ s headquarters , Dr. Robert Redfield struggled to explain why the C.D.C .
had referred to itself by the initials of World Wrestling Entertainment .
“ We are working hard internally to make sure that , going forward , everyone at the C.D.C .
knows how to spell C.D.C.
, ” he said .
Redfield declined to respond to a reporter who asked why several words on the site were randomly capitalized and his name was listed as “ @ @ @ @ @ @

ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was accused of altering the content on the C.D.C. Web site, after a post appeared in which C.D.C. was misspelled.
The post in question urged visitors to stop visiting the C.D.C site for coronavirus guidance because “there’s a lot that scientists don’t know, O.K.?”
“There will be a vaccine very, very soon, and even if there isn’t, the virus will disappear like magic,” the post continued. “We are doing a phenomenal job and deserve an A-plus, quite frankly. Sincerely, the W.W.E.”
At the agency’s headquarters, Dr. Robert Redfield struggled to explain why the C.D.C. had referred to itself by the initials of World Wrestling Entertainment.
“We are working hard internally to make sure that, going forward, everyone at the C.D.C. knows how to spell C.D.C.,” he said.
Redfield declined to respond to a reporter who asked why several words on the site were randomly capitalized and his name was listed as “Dr. Robert Rovfefe.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-23--Democrats Favor Expanding Supreme Court by Adding Entire Obama Family

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —A proposal to expand the size of the Supreme Court by adding the entire Obama family is gaining traction among Democratic activists .
Harland Dorrinson , a Democratic insider who is leading the movement to add all four Obamas to the nation ’ s highest court , cited a recent poll showing that ninety-eight per cent of Democratic voters favor the proposal , with a possible polling error of two points .
Acknowledging that the Obamas “ already have a lot on their plates , ” the activist asserted that serving on the Court @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s busy schedule .
“ The Supreme Court only meets about nine months out of the year , ” Dorrinson said .
“ That would give the Obamas plenty of time to do their Netflix and podcast stuff.
” While the presence of Sasha and Malia Obama on the Supreme Court is bound to stir controversy because of their youth , Dorrinson said , “ There is a consensus among Democrats that you can never have too many Obamas.
” Dorrinson cautioned , however , that adding the entire Obama family to the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ step ” in the Democrats ’ ultimate vision of judicial reform .
“ The plan is to expand the Supreme Court to thirty Justices , so four Obamas just get you partway there , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A proposal to expand the size of the Supreme Court by adding the entire Obama family is gaining traction among Democratic activists.
Harland Dorrinson, a Democratic insider who is leading the movement to add all four Obamas to the nation’s highest court, cited a recent poll showing that ninety-eight per cent of Democratic voters favor the proposal, with a possible polling error of two points.
Acknowledging that the Obamas “already have a lot on their plates,” the activist asserted that serving on the Court could be worked into the family’s busy schedule.
“The Supreme Court only meets about nine months out of the year,” Dorrinson said. “That would give the Obamas plenty of time to do their Netflix and podcast stuff.”
While the presence of Sasha and Malia Obama on the Supreme Court is bound to stir controversy because of their youth, Dorrinson said, “There is a consensus among Democrats that you can never have too many Obamas.”
Dorrinson cautioned, however, that adding the entire Obama family to the Supreme Court is only a “first step” in the Democrats’ ultimate vision of judicial reform.
“The plan is to expand the Supreme Court to thirty Justices, so four Obamas just get you partway there,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-24--Amazon Prime Offers to Aid Peaceful Transfer of Power by Shipping Trump Out in Twenty-four Hours

SEATTLE ( The Borowitz Report ) —In order to ease the peaceful transfer of power this coming January , Amazon @ @ @ @ @ service to ship Donald J. Trump out of the White House within twenty-four hours .
@ @ @ @ @ , the Amazon founder , Jeff Bezos , said that he understood why Trump had @ @ @ @ @ House .
“ Moving is always hard , ” Bezos said .
“ At Amazon @ @ @ @ @ Donald Trump ’ s move as speedy as possible.
” Bezos said that , on @ @ @ @ @ Prime delivery truck will arrive at the White House to prepare Trump for shipping , @ @ @ @ @ After he has been packed , bar-coded , and scanned into the system , Bezos @ @ @ @ @ expedited to the destination of his choice .
“ Amazon Prime guarantees that he will @ @ @ @ @ hours , ” Bezos said , adding that it would take slightly longer if the @ @ @ @ @ .

SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—In order to ease the peaceful transfer of power this coming January, Amazon has offered its Prime delivery service to ship Donald J. Trump out of the White House within twenty-four hours.
Speaking from his corporate headquarters, the Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, said that he understood why Trump had misgivings about leaving the White House. “Moving is always hard,” Bezos said. “At Amazon, we want to make Donald Trump’s move as speedy as possible.”
Bezos said that, on Inauguration Day, an Amazon Prime delivery truck will arrive at the White House to prepare Trump for shipping, “free of charge.”
After he has been packed, bar-coded, and scanned into the system, Bezos said, Trump will be expedited to the destination of his choice.
“Amazon Prime guarantees that he will be at Mar-a-Lago within twenty-four hours,” Bezos said, adding that it would take slightly longer if the shipping address is in Moscow.


theborowitzreport--2020-09-25--Obama Proposes Cancelling White House’s Cable to Get Trump to Leave

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —As Donald J. Trump refuses to commit to a peaceful transfer of power in @ @ @ @ @ Obama suggested that cancelling the White House ’ s cable-TV account could induce the President @ @ @ @ @ is a man who enjoys watching television , ” Obama told reporters .
“ What @ @ @ @ @ , he picks up the remote and nothing comes on ?
” “ This seems @ @ @ @ @ to get him to go , ” Obama said .
Obama also said that , @ @ @ @ @ constitutional crisis , the White House ’ s supply of Diet Coke could also be @ @ @ @ @ , “ I don ’ t think it will come to that.
” “ Once @ @ @ @ @ there ’ s no cable , his days will stretch out before him in a @ @ @ @ @ Obama said .
“ No ‘ Fox & Friends.
’ No Tucker Carlson .
And @ @ @ @ @ He ’ ll be on the next helicopter out , ” Obama predicted .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As Donald J. Trump refuses to commit to a peaceful transfer of power in January, former President Barack Obama suggested that cancelling the White House’s cable-TV account could induce the President to leave.
“This is a man who enjoys watching television,” Obama told reporters. “What if, on Inauguration Day, he picks up the remote and nothing comes on?”
“This seems like the most peaceful way to get him to go,” Obama said.
Obama also said that, in order to avoid a constitutional crisis, the White House’s supply of Diet Coke could also be cut off, but added, “I don’t think it will come to that.”
“Once it dawns on him that there’s no cable, his days will stretch out before him in a vista of emptiness,” Obama said. “No ‘Fox & Friends.’ No Tucker Carlson. And no Shark Week.”
“He’ll be on the next helicopter out,” Obama predicted.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-09-28--Trump Plans to Use Debate to Deduct Biden as Dependent

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a tax-avoidance strategy that many in the accounting profession have described as “ exotic , ” Donald J. Trump plans to use the first Presidential debate to deduct Joe Biden as a dependent .
Although the decision to declare Biden—a seventy-seven-year-old political rival to whom he is not related—as a dependent has raised eyebrows , Trump said that he is “ well within ” his rights to do so .
“ The reason Joe is doing well in the polls is because people hate me , ” Trump explained .
“ That means @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Did you see that word I used there ?
Dependent .
I ’ m very smart.
” Trump said that , in addition to wiping out his tax obligations for the year 2020 , declaring Biden as his dependent will have other , more immediate , benefits .
“ Sleepy Joe won ’ t be able to talk back to me at the debate , because , legally , he will be my dependent , ” Trump said , adding that this strategy has worked splendidly with others he has named as dependents @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , and Lindsey Graham .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a tax-avoidance strategy that many in the accounting profession have described as “exotic,” Donald J. Trump plans to use the first Presidential debate to deduct Joe Biden as a dependent.
Although the decision to declare Biden—a seventy-seven-year-old political rival to whom he is not related—as a dependent has raised eyebrows, Trump said that he is “well within” his rights to do so.
“The reason Joe is doing well in the polls is because people hate me,” Trump explained. “That means he is totally dependent on me. Did you see that word I used there? Dependent. I’m very smart.”
Trump said that, in addition to wiping out his tax obligations for the year 2020, declaring Biden as his dependent will have other, more immediate, benefits.
“Sleepy Joe won’t be able to talk back to me at the debate, because, legally, he will be my dependent,” Trump said, adding that this strategy has worked splendidly with others he has named as dependents, including Mike Pence, William Barr, and Lindsey Graham.