theborowitzreport--2020-09-28--My Pillow Guy Offers to Lend Trump Fifty Dollars Until Payday

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an effort to help a friend who has fallen on hard times , @ @ @ @ @ as the My Pillow Guy , has offered to loan Donald J. Trump fifty dollars @ @ @ @ @ reporters outside the White House , Lindell said that he also gave Trump a king-size @ @ @ @ @ $ 69.98 value .
“ He doesn ’ t have to pay me a cent @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ If he ’ s happy with the pillow , he can maybe @ @ @ @ @ followers , but the pillow is his to keep.
” The bedding entrepreneur said that @ @ @ @ @ ” about his decision to loan fifty dollars to Trump “ now that he ’ @ @ @ @ @ ” “ I know fifty dollars may not sound like a lot to someone who @ @ @ @ @ hair , but he seemed to really appreciate it , ” Lindell said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ loan him money at this point ?
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to help a friend who has fallen on hard times, Mike Lindell, better known as the MyPillow Guy, has offered to loan Donald J. Trump fifty dollars until payday.
Speaking to reporters outside the White House, Lindell said that he also gave Trump a king-size Classic MyPillow, a $69.98 value.
“He doesn’t have to pay me a cent for it,” Lindell said. “If he’s happy with the pillow, he can maybe tweet about it to his followers, but the pillow is his to keep.”
The bedding entrepreneur said that he felt “really good” about his decision to loan fifty dollars to Trump “now that he’s hit a rough patch.”
“I know fifty dollars may not sound like a lot to someone who spent seventy thousand on his hair, but he seemed to really appreciate it,” Lindell said. “Besides, who else would loan him money at this point?”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-29--Fox News Reports That Biden Paid No Porn Stars

NEW YORK ( The Borowitz Report ) —Dropping a bombshell that could radically alter the playing field of the 2020 @ @ @ @ @ has reported that Joe Biden paid no porn stars over the past five decades .
@ @ @ @ @ stunning revelations on his prime-time show , calling Biden ’ s history of avoiding paying @ @ @ @ @ someone seeking the nation ’ s highest office.
” “ We have obtained Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ back to 1973 , and there is no evidence—I repeat , no evidence—of any payments @ @ @ @ @ Carlson said .
“ Joe Biden has a lot of explaining to do.
” At @ @ @ @ @ J. Trump called Biden ’ s record of not paying porn stars “ disgraceful ” @ @ @ @ @ disqualify him from serving as President .
“ Joe Biden says he ’ s a @ @ @ @ @ but this proves he ’ s a fake , ” Trump said .
“ The @ @ @ @ @ thousands to porn stars each year .
”

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Dropping a bombshell that could radically alter the playing field of the 2020 election, Fox News Channel has reported that Joe Biden paid no porn stars over the past five decades.
Tucker Carlson first reported the stunning revelations on his prime-time show, calling Biden’s history of avoiding paying porn stars “unbecoming of someone seeking the nation’s highest office.”
“We have obtained Joe Biden’s banking records going back to 1973, and there is no evidence—I repeat, no evidence—of any payments to porn stars,” Carlson said. “Joe Biden has a lot of explaining to do.”
At the White House, Donald J. Trump called Biden’s record of not paying porn stars “disgraceful” and claimed that it should disqualify him from serving as President.
“Joe Biden says he’s a man of the people, but this proves he’s a fake,” Trump said. “The average, hard-working American pays thousands to porn stars each year.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-30--Biden to Do Remaining Debates by Mail

Biden to Do Remaining Debates by Mail

PITTSBURGH ( The Borowitz Report ) —One day after the most chaotic Presidential debate in U.S. history , Joe Biden @ @ @ @ @ in the remaining two debates by mail .
Campaigning in Pittsburgh , Biden said that @ @ @ @ @ answer a series of debate questions and mail his responses to the appropriate venues .
@ @ @ @ @ my answers aloud and then Trump can howl like a damn hyena , for all @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ The idea that I would spend another ninety minutes of my life @ @ @ @ @ mon , man .
Life is too short for this horseshit.
” At the White @ @ @ @ @ vehemently opposed Biden ’ s proposal , claiming that debating by mail was “ totally @ @ @ @ @ fraud .
“ If Joe sends in his answers by mail , what ’ s @ @ @ @ @ opening the envelope and writing in better answers ?
” Trump said .
“ This @ @ @ @ @ of times .
”

PITTSBURGH (The Borowitz Report)—One day after the most chaotic Presidential debate in U.S. history, Joe Biden said that he would participate in the remaining two debates by mail.
Campaigning in Pittsburgh, Biden said that he would be happy to answer a series of debate questions and mail his responses to the appropriate venues.
“The moderator can read my answers aloud and then Trump can howl like a damn hyena, for all I care,” Biden said. “The idea that I would spend another ninety minutes of my life listening to that clown—c’mon, man. Life is too short for this horseshit.”
At the White House, Donald J. Trump vehemently opposed Biden’s proposal, claiming that debating by mail was “totally rigged” and rife with fraud.
“If Joe sends in his answers by mail, what’s to keep a mailman from opening the envelope and writing in better answers?” Trump said. “This exact thing has happened millions of times.”


theborowitzreport--2020-09-30--Trump Somehow Not Likable Even After Being Coached by Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani

CLEVELAND , OHIO ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump somehow seemed unlikeable and obnoxious in his first 2020 debate performance , despite extensive pre-debate coaching from Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani , campaign staffers have confirmed .
After the debate , staffers were baffled that Trump could appear so off-putting and odious after being prepped by two of the nation ’ s most beloved and appealing public figures .
“ Call it an aura , if you will , or a kind of magic , but Chris and Rudy have that special sauce that makes people want to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ We all thought that , by putting Trump in the same room with them , some of their fairy dust would rub off on him.
” “ It didn ’ t happen , ” the aide said .
“ Chalk it up to the mysteries of politics.
” In the wake of Trump ’ s abysmal performance , the campaign is replacing Christie and Giuliani as coaches for the second debate .
“ It ’ s more important than ever to make Trump likable , and that ’ s why we @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Devin Nunes , ” the aide said .

CLEVELAND, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump somehow seemed unlikeable and obnoxious in his first 2020 debate performance, despite extensive pre-debate coaching from Chris Christie and Rudy Giuliani, campaign staffers have confirmed.
After the debate, staffers were baffled that Trump could appear so off-putting and odious after being prepped by two of the nation’s most beloved and appealing public figures.
“Call it an aura, if you will, or a kind of magic, but Chris and Rudy have that special sauce that makes people want to hug them,” one aide said. “We all thought that, by putting Trump in the same room with them, some of their fairy dust would rub off on him.”
“It didn’t happen,” the aide said. “Chalk it up to the mysteries of politics.”
In the wake of Trump’s abysmal performance, the campaign is replacing Christie and Giuliani as coaches for the second debate. “It’s more important than ever to make Trump likable, and that’s why we’re bringing in Mitch McConnell and Devin Nunes,” the aide said.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-10-01--Rule Change for Second Debate Forbids Trump from Attending

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a rule change announced on Thursday , the Commission on Presidential Debates said @ @ @ @ @ not be permitted to attend the second debate .
“ We took a look at @ @ @ @ @ that we needed to tweak the format a bit , ” Harland Dorrinson , a @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ We think this rule change fixes everything.
” Anticipating criticism that a @ @ @ @ @ two participants , the spokesperson said , “ There will be , if you count @ @ @ @ @ the rule change , the commission will post a photo of Trump at security , @ @ @ @ @ hoped that such a measure would not be necessary .
“ If President Trump is @ @ @ @ @ him to stand back , but don ’ t stand by , ” he said @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a rule change announced on Thursday, the Commission on Presidential Debates said that Donald J. Trump will not be permitted to attend the second debate.
“We took a look at the first debate and decided that we needed to tweak the format a bit,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesperson for the commission, said. “We think this rule change fixes everything.”
Anticipating criticism that a debate must have at least two participants, the spokesperson said, “There will be, if you count the moderator.”
To enforce the rule change, the commission will post a photo of Trump at security, but Dorrinson said that he hoped that such a measure would not be necessary.
“If President Trump is listening, we are asking him to stand back, but don’t stand by,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-06--Pence Grateful That Plexiglass Shield at Debate Will Protect Him from Woman

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Mike Pence said that he was “ extremely grateful ” that the organizers of @ @ @ @ @ debate would be providing a plexiglass shield to protect him from a woman .
Speaking @ @ @ @ @ that the Commission on Presidential Debates had taken “ appropriate measures ” to shield him @ @ @ @ @ during the Salt Lake City face-off .
“ I ’ ve read all the relevant @ @ @ @ @ I ’ ve learned a plexiglass shield provides adequate protection from a woman , ” @ @ @ @ @ that this barrier exists between me and a member of the opposite sex , I @ @ @ @ @ with the debate.
” The Vice-President added that , if he makes it through Wednesday @ @ @ @ @ exposed to a woman , he may start bringing a portable plexiglass shield with him @ @ @ @ @ “ Despite all of my precautions , in my travels across this great land of @ @ @ @ @ women , ” Pence said .
“ Plexiglass might be the answer .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence said that he was “extremely grateful” that the organizers of Wednesday night’s Vice-Presidential debate would be providing a plexiglass shield to protect him from a woman.
Speaking to reporters, Pence said that the Commission on Presidential Debates had taken “appropriate measures” to shield him from exposure to a female during the Salt Lake City face-off.
“I’ve read all the relevant literature, and from what I’ve learned a plexiglass shield provides adequate protection from a woman,” he said. “Knowing that this barrier exists between me and a member of the opposite sex, I feel comfortable about moving forward with the debate.”
The Vice-President added that, if he makes it through Wednesday’s debate without being exposed to a woman, he may start bringing a portable plexiglass shield with him on the campaign trail.
“Despite all of my precautions, in my travels across this great land of ours I have unfortunately encountered women,” Pence said. “Plexiglass might be the answer.”


theborowitzreport--2020-10-07--Pence Fuming After Kamala Harris Announces Plan to Wear Hazmat Suit

SALT LAKE CITY ( The Borowitz Report ) —Mike Pence was reportedly “ hopping mad ” after Senator Kamala Harris @ @ @ @ @ wear a hazmat suit to Wednesday ’ s Vice-Presidential debate .
Harris argued that , @ @ @ @ @ feet away from Pence and protected by a plexiglass shield , she was donning he @ @ @ @ @ an abundance of caution.
” “ The White House is refusing to do contact tracing @ @ @ @ @ “ I don ’ t know where Mike Pence has been.
” Pence howled in @ @ @ @ @ move , calling the hazmat suit “ political theatre at its most outrageous.
” “ @ @ @ @ @ anyone , ” he said .
“ I am a responsible adult , not a @ @ @ @ @ with me .
”

SALT LAKE CITY (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence was reportedly “hopping mad” after Senator Kamala Harris announced that she intends to wear a hazmat suit to Wednesday’s Vice-Presidential debate.
Harris argued that, although she would be twelve feet away from Pence and protected by a plexiglass shield, she was donning the hazmat suit “out of an abundance of caution.”
“The White House is refusing to do contact tracing,” she said. “I don’t know where Mike Pence has been.”
Pence howled in protest at Harris’s move, calling the hazmat suit “political theatre at its most outrageous.”
“I pose no danger to anyone,” he said. “I am a responsible adult, not a child, and Mother agrees with me.”


theborowitzreport--2020-10-08--Ben Carson Wondering Where Everyone at White House Has Gone

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Ben Carson , the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development , is wondering where everyone at the White House has gone , Carson has confirmed .
Carson showed up unannounced at the White House on Thursday morning , “ just to say hi , ” and was surprised to find the building virtually deserted .
“ I was wondering if there was some holiday I didn ’ t know about , ” Carson said .
“ I know there are a lot of holidays that Jewish people celebrate this time of year , but @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weren ’ t there .
It ’ s kind of a head-scratcher.
” The H.U.D .
Secretary was also trying to make sense of the presence of cleaning crews throughout the White House , but “ couldn ’ t figure it out.
” “ Maybe there was a big party they ’ re cleaning up after , ” he said .
“ To be honest , I would be kind of hurt if I hadn ’ t been invited .
Unless , of course , it was a party to celebrate one of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not Jewish , like Jared and Ivanka .
Still , that must have been one heck of a Jewish-holiday party , if that ’ s what occurred.
” Carson said that he was prepared to accept the mystery of why the White House was deserted .
“ It ’ s like the pyramids of Egypt , ” he said .
“ For years , no one knew that they were used to store grain , and then it all became clear .
Someday we may know why the White House was deserted .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Ben Carson, the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, is wondering where everyone at the White House has gone, Carson has confirmed.
Carson showed up unannounced at the White House on Thursday morning, “just to say hi,” and was surprised to find the building virtually deserted.
“I was wondering if there was some holiday I didn’t know about,” Carson said. “I know there are a lot of holidays that Jewish people celebrate this time of year, but that just explains why Jared and Ivanka weren’t there. It’s kind of a head-scratcher.”
The H.U.D. Secretary was also trying to make sense of the presence of cleaning crews throughout the White House, but “couldn’t figure it out.”
“Maybe there was a big party they’re cleaning up after,” he said. “To be honest, I would be kind of hurt if I hadn’t been invited. Unless, of course, it was a party to celebrate one of those Jewish holidays. I’m not Jewish, like Jared and Ivanka. Still, that must have been one heck of a Jewish-holiday party, if that’s what occurred.”
Carson said that he was prepared to accept the mystery of why the White House was deserted. “It’s like the pyramids of Egypt,” he said. “For years, no one knew that they were used to store grain, and then it all became clear. Someday we may know why the White House was deserted. And then it will all make sense.”


theborowitzreport--2020-10-10--Ivanka Trump Applies for Job as Biden’s Daughter

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In what many viewed as an ominous sign for Donald J. Trump ’ s @ @ @ @ @ has applied for a job as Joe Biden ’ s daughter .
Trump ’ s @ @ @ @ @ leaked to the press on Saturday , included her promise to make Biden ’ s @ @ @ @ @ ” than her father ’ s .
“ As awesome as Ivanka Trump has been @ @ @ @ @ will be even more awesome , ” she wrote .
Trump appeared to have difficulty @ @ @ @ @ on her application , other than “ Did not write a tell-all book.
” Finally @ @ @ @ @ with an attempt to boost her chances of being hired as Biden ’ s daughter @ @ @ @ @ t have to take Jared .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what many viewed as an ominous sign for Donald J. Trump’s reëlection prospects, Ivanka Trump has applied for a job as Joe Biden’s daughter.
Trump’s job application, which was leaked to the press on Saturday, included her promise to make Biden’s Presidency “even more successful” than her father’s.
“As awesome as Ivanka Trump has been, I believe Ivanka Biden will be even more awesome,” she wrote.
Trump appeared to have difficulty finding tangible achievements to include on her application, other than “Did not write a tell-all book.”
Finally, she ended her application with an attempt to boost her chances of being hired as Biden’s daughter: “You don’t have to take Jared.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-10-12--Amy Coney Barrett Supports Health Care Available in Year Constitution Was Written

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Claiming that she has been unfairly branded as anti-health care , Amy Coney Barrett @ @ @ @ @ all medical treatments that were available in the year the United States Constitution was written @ @ @ @ @ , Antonin Scalia , Barrett said that she considers herself a “ strict originalist ” @ @ @ @ @ health-care practices that the Framers of the Constitution used in 1787 .
“ For example @ @ @ @ @ headaches , fevers , and agues is arsenic , a wondrous elixir prescribed by many @ @ @ @ @ ” she said .
“ ’ Twill serve.
” As for preëxisting conditions , Barrett @ @ @ @ @ maladies that preëxisted the late eighteenth century , such as dropsy , King ’ s @ @ @ @ @ s palsy .
Finally , although Barrett did not reveal whether she would vote to @ @ @ @ @ said that the law should be rewritten so that its lowercase “ S ” s @ @ @ @ @ ” s .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that she has been unfairly branded as anti-health care, Amy Coney Barrett testified that she strongly supports all medical treatments that were available in the year the United States Constitution was written.
Like her role model, Antonin Scalia, Barrett said that she considers herself a “strict originalist” and therefore advocates only the health-care practices that the Framers of the Constitution used in 1787.
“For example, the best cure for headaches, fevers, and agues is arsenic, a wondrous elixir prescribed by many a Doctor of Physick,” she said. “ ’Twill serve.”
As for preëxisting conditions, Barrett said that she only acknowledges maladies that preëxisted the late eighteenth century, such as dropsy, King’s Evil, and scrivener’s palsy.
Finally, although Barrett did not reveal whether she would vote to strike down Obamacare, she said that the law should be rewritten so that its lowercase “S”s look more like “f”s.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-13--Donald Trump Confident He Will Defeat Hillary Clinton

JOHNSTOWN , PENNSYLVANIA ( The Borowitz Report ) —Brushing aside gloomy predictions , Donald J. Trump said that he would trounce Hillary Clinton in the November election .
“ A lot of people don ’ t think I will beat Hillary , but they should prepare to be wrong , ” he said .
“ I am about to beat her by a landslide.
” Offering a rationale for his prediction , Trump said , “ As crooked as Hillary was in 2016 , she is even crookeder now .
Mike Pompeo is going to release her e-mails , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ re moving quite strongly and powerfully on this.
” Claiming that he beat Clinton in their 2016 debates , Trump noted , “ It ’ s no wonder that Hillary doesn ’ t want to debate me now .
She knows I ’ d destroy her.
” Trump said that he is “ very much looking forward ” to the election , because it will give him a chance “ to see Hillary crash and burn one more time.
” “ When Election Night rolls around , as sure as you ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will vote for Hillary Clinton , ” he said .

JOHNSTOWN, PENNSYLVANIA (The Borowitz Report)—Brushing aside gloomy predictions, Donald J. Trump said that he would trounce Hillary Clinton in the November election.
“A lot of people don’t think I will beat Hillary, but they should prepare to be wrong,” he said. “I am about to beat her by a landslide.”
Offering a rationale for his prediction, Trump said, “As crooked as Hillary was in 2016, she is even crookeder now. Mike Pompeo is going to release her e-mails, and they’re a disgrace. We’re moving quite strongly and powerfully on this.”
Claiming that he beat Clinton in their 2016 debates, Trump noted, “It’s no wonder that Hillary doesn’t want to debate me now. She knows I’d destroy her.”
Trump said that he is “very much looking forward” to the election, because it will give him a chance “to see Hillary crash and burn one more time.”
“When Election Night rolls around, as sure as you’re sitting there, absolutely no one will vote for Hillary Clinton,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-14--Susan Collins Concerned That Amy Coney Barrett Too Indecisive

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling the Supreme Court nominee ’ s testimony “ worrisome , ” Senator Susan @ @ @ @ @ concerned that Amy Coney Barrett is too indecisive to sit on the nation ’ s @ @ @ @ @ she was asked a question , she often appeared hesitant , evasive , and wishy-washy @ @ @ @ @ “ That ’ s no way for a person serving in a high government position @ @ @ @ @ from Maine said that Barrett ’ s dithering verged on being “ annoying and even @ @ @ @ @ people deserve decisiveness from their public officials , not relentless shilly-shallying , ” Collins said @ @ @ @ @ sort of vacillating that makes people despise you.
” Asked whether she would ultimately vote @ @ @ @ @ waited for a full minute before responding , “ I am deeply troubled and concerned @ @ @ @ @ from her to date , but would need to hear more before I could come @ @ @ @ @ on that .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the Supreme Court nominee’s testimony “worrisome,” Senator Susan Collins said that she is concerned that Amy Coney Barrett is too indecisive to sit on the nation’s highest court.
“When she was asked a question, she often appeared hesitant, evasive, and wishy-washy,” Collins said. “That’s no way for a person serving in a high government position to behave.”
The Senator from Maine said that Barrett’s dithering verged on being “annoying and even aggravating.”
“The American people deserve decisiveness from their public officials, not relentless shilly-shallying,” Collins said. “This is the sort of vacillating that makes people despise you.”
Asked whether she would ultimately vote to confirm Barrett, Collins waited for a full minute before responding, “I am deeply troubled and concerned by what I have heard from her to date, but would need to hear more before I could come down one way or another on that.”


theborowitzreport--2020-10-15--Amy Coney Barrett Refuses to Tell Brett Kavanaugh Which Beer She Prefers in Supreme Court Fridge

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Conflict erupted between Amy Coney Barrett and Brett Kavanaugh after the Supreme Court nominee refused to tell the Justice which brand of beer she wanted him to stock for her in the Court refrigerator .
Kavanaugh , who has made it his job to keep the office fridge supplied with grain-based beverages , called Barrett to determine her preferences and was astonished when she stonewalled .
“ She was , like , ‘ I ’ m not going to weigh in on something that contentious , ’ and I was , like , ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Kavanaugh said .
“ She was not shitting me .
I was , like , ‘ Dude.
’ ” “ I mean , it ’ s not like I was asking her about some dumb legal case , ” he said .
“ This is important .
This is beer.
” Kavanaugh , who identifies his vast private collection of microbrews and I.P.A.s in the Court fridge with masking-tape labels reading “ BRETT , ” says that his stash is now “ strictly off limits ” to Barrett .
“ If Amy @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s there is Old Milwaukee , she better not coming crying to me , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Conflict erupted between Amy Coney Barrett and Brett Kavanaugh after the Supreme Court nominee refused to tell the Justice which brand of beer she wanted him to stock for her in the Court refrigerator.
Kavanaugh, who has made it his job to keep the office fridge supplied with grain-based beverages, called Barrett to determine her preferences and was astonished when she stonewalled.
“She was, like, ‘I’m not going to weigh in on something that contentious,’ and I was, like, ‘You’re shitting me,’ ” Kavanaugh said. “She was not shitting me. I was, like, ‘Dude.’ ”
“I mean, it’s not like I was asking her about some dumb legal case,” he said. “This is important. This is beer.”
Kavanaugh, who identifies his vast private collection of microbrews and I.P.A.s in the Court fridge with masking-tape labels reading “BRETT,” says that his stash is now “strictly off limits” to Barrett.
“If Amy wants a beer and all that’s there is Old Milwaukee, she better not coming crying to me,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-16--NBC Cancels Reboot of “The Apprentice” After One Episode

NEW YORK ( The Borowitz Report ) —In one of the more embarrassing television fiascos in recent memory , NBC @ @ @ @ @ cancel its reboot of “ The Apprentice ” after only one episode .
The reboot @ @ @ @ @ the flagging career of its star , was widely panned by critics and audience members @ @ @ @ @ the network ’ s decision to air it in the first place .
Even more @ @ @ @ @ the “ Apprentice ” reboot tinkered with the original ’ s winning format , transforming @ @ @ @ @ , nearly omniscient business mogul to a hapless incompetent beset by failure .
While a @ @ @ @ @ that the network would be scheduling “ no further episodes ” of the reboot , @ @ @ @ @ on November 3rd , insiders say .

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In one of the more embarrassing television fiascos in recent memory, NBC has announced that it will cancel its reboot of “The Apprentice” after only one episode.
The reboot, which attempted to revive the flagging career of its star, was widely panned by critics and audience members, who seemed baffled by the network’s decision to air it in the first place.
Even more puzzling, the producers of the “Apprentice” reboot tinkered with the original’s winning format, transforming its star from a successful, nearly omniscient business mogul to a hapless incompetent beset by failure.
While a press release from NBC indicated that the network would be scheduling “no further episodes” of the reboot, a permanent cancellation could come on November 3rd, insiders say.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-18--Trump Accuses New Zealand’s Prime Minister of Competently Handling the Coronavirus to Get Reëlected

JANESVILLE , WI ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling New Zealand ’ s Prime Minister “ crooked and rigged , @ @ @ @ @ Jacinda Ardern of competently handling the coronavirus pandemic in order to get reëlected .
Speaking @ @ @ @ @ , Trump called Ardern ’ s use of public-health measures to mitigate the impact of @ @ @ @ @ “ a sleazy political move like you wouldn ’ t believe.
” “ This woman @ @ @ @ @ so she decided to go after the coronavirus and beat it , ” he said @ @ @ @ @ a disgrace.
” Ramping up his attack on Ardern , Trump accused her of securing @ @ @ @ @ listening to scientists.
” “ She was talking to scientists every day , ” Trump @ @ @ @ @ s all going to come out when we see her e-mails.
” In a final @ @ @ @ @ successful handling of the pandemic , Trump vowed , “ You ’ ll never see @ @ @ @ @ .
”

JANESVILLE, WI (The Borowitz Report)—Calling New Zealand’s Prime Minister “crooked and rigged,” Donald J. Trump accused Jacinda Ardern of competently handling the coronavirus pandemic in order to get reëlected.
Speaking at a rally in Wisconsin, Trump called Ardern’s use of public-health measures to mitigate the impact of the coronavirus on her nation “a sleazy political move like you wouldn’t believe.”
“This woman wanted to get reëlected, so she decided to go after the coronavirus and beat it,” he said. “This woman is a disgrace.”
Ramping up his attack on Ardern, Trump accused her of securing her election victory by “listening to scientists.”
“She was talking to scientists every day,” Trump charged. “It’s all going to come out when we see her e-mails.”
In a final denunciation of Ardern’s successful handling of the pandemic, Trump vowed, “You’ll never see me pulling something like that.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-10-20--Fauci Admits He Does Not Have Brain Like Trump’s

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Reacting to the President ’ s withering criticism of his intellect , Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted that he does not have a brain like Donald Trump ’ s .
“ I have to say that he has a point , ” Fauci said .
“ My brain could never come up with the things his brain comes up with.
” Having worked closely with Trump on the White House coronavirus task force , Fauci observed , “ His brain is scary.
” “ It ’ s much faster than mine , ” the esteemed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to look at facts and data before making a decision , but he makes decisions in seconds , without any information at all.
” While asserting that Trump ’ s gray matter “ merits further study , ” Fauci said that he has a theory for why the President ’ s brain is so much quicker than his .
“ My brain is all clogged up with decades ’ worth of epidemiology , ” he said .
“ His just has ‘ person , woman , man , camera , TV .
’ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to the President’s withering criticism of his intellect, Dr. Anthony Fauci admitted that he does not have a brain like Donald Trump’s.
“I have to say that he has a point,” Fauci said. “My brain could never come up with the things his brain comes up with.”
Having worked closely with Trump on the White House coronavirus task force, Fauci observed, “His brain is scary.”
“It’s much faster than mine,” the esteemed virologist added. “I need hours to look at facts and data before making a decision, but he makes decisions in seconds, without any information at all.”
While asserting that Trump’s gray matter “merits further study,” Fauci said that he has a theory for why the President’s brain is so much quicker than his.
“My brain is all clogged up with decades’ worth of epidemiology,” he said. “His just has ‘person, woman, man, camera, TV.’ ”


theborowitzreport--2020-10-21--New Poll Shows Trump Losing to Hunter Biden

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —With less than two weeks until the election , a new poll of likely @ @ @ @ @ losing badly to Hunter Biden .
Though Hunter Biden holds a commanding lead over Trump @ @ @ @ @ that he also trounces the President in such key swing states as Michigan , Wisconsin @ @ @ @ @ preferred Hunter Biden over Trump when asked who would do a better job of “ @ @ @ @ @ “ creating jobs , ” and “ caring about people like me.
” In the @ @ @ @ @ President , if Hunter Biden were somehow prosecuted , convicted , and locked up , @ @ @ @ @ over Trump by a double-digit margin .

Photograph by Kris Connor / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With less than two weeks until the election, a new poll of likely voters shows Donald J. Trump losing badly to Hunter Biden.
Though Hunter Biden holds a commanding lead over Trump nationally, the poll reveals that he also trounces the President in such key swing states as Michigan, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania.
Voters preferred Hunter Biden over Trump when asked who would do a better job of “handling the pandemic,” “creating jobs,” and “caring about people like me.”
In the most ominous news for the President, if Hunter Biden were somehow prosecuted, convicted, and locked up, voters would still choose him over Trump by a double-digit margin.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-22--Americans Favor Continuing to Mute Trump After Debate

MINNEAPOLIS ( The Borowitz Report ) —Americans favor continuing to mute Donald J. Trump after the final Presidential debate , @ @ @ @ @ .
In the study , which was conducted by the psychology department at the University @ @ @ @ @ the responses of subjects when they were told that it was possible to mute Trump @ @ @ @ @ , we were able to gauge how they reacted to this news , ” Dr. @ @ @ @ @ the study , said .
“ The pleasure centers in their brains lit up like @ @ @ @ @ were told that Trump would no longer be muted after the debate , however , @ @ @ @ @ disappointment , anguish , and even rage , ” Logsdon said .
“ One man @ @ @ @ @ ” the researcher said .
“ He said , ‘ I don ’ t understand @ @ @ @ @ keep muting him—they clearly have the technology.
’ ” Logsdon said that the study yielded @ @ @ @ @ a widespread psychological need to mute Donald Trump , Jr .

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—Americans favor continuing to mute Donald J. Trump after the final Presidential debate, a new study has found.
In the study, which was conducted by the psychology department at the University of Minnesota, researchers measured the responses of subjects when they were told that it was possible to mute Trump.
“Using advanced imaging, we were able to gauge how they reacted to this news,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “The pleasure centers in their brains lit up like solar flares.”
When they were told that Trump would no longer be muted after the debate, however, the subjects reacted with “disappointment, anguish, and even rage,” Logsdon said.
“One man was reduced to tears,” the researcher said. “He said, ‘I don’t understand why they can’t keep muting him—they clearly have the technology.’ ”
Logsdon said that the study yielded many other findings, including a widespread psychological need to mute Donald Trump, Jr.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-23--Desperate Trump Alleges Ties Between Joe Biden and Jill Biden

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an attempt to gin up an “ October surprise , ” an increasingly @ @ @ @ @ an investigation into alleged links between Joe Biden and Jill Biden .
“ People are @ @ @ @ @ close to her , ” Trump told Sean Hannity , of Fox News .
“ @ @ @ @ @ on.
” Trump said that there are “ tens of thousands of e-mails ” between @ @ @ @ @ , a state of affairs that he called “ disgraceful.
” “ We need to @ @ @ @ @ e-mails , and also on the bank records , ” Trump said , arguing that @ @ @ @ @ ” between the two Bidens for decades .
In his most serious accusation , Trump @ @ @ @ @ Biden would be “ under the influence ” of Dr. Jill Biden because of their @ @ @ @ @ Biden has been listening to a doctor for forty-three years , ” he alleged .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an attempt to gin up an “October surprise,” an increasingly desperate Donald J. Trump demanded an investigation into alleged links between Joe Biden and Jill Biden.
“People are saying that he is very close to her,” Trump told Sean Hannity, of Fox News. “There’s something going on.”
Trump said that there are “tens of thousands of e-mails” between Joe Biden and Jill Biden, a state of affairs that he called “disgraceful.”
“We need to move quite strongly on the e-mails, and also on the bank records,” Trump said, arguing that money has “flowed freely” between the two Bidens for decades.
In his most serious accusation, Trump warned that a President Joe Biden would be “under the influence” of Dr. Jill Biden because of their extensive ties.
“Joe Biden has been listening to a doctor for forty-three years,” he alleged.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-13--Trump Confident He Will Defeat Hillary Clinton


theborowitzreport--2020-10-26--White House Quarantines Mark Meadows After He Tests Positive for Honesty

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —The White House has quarantined Mark Meadows after the chief of staff tested positive @ @ @ @ @ an abundance of caution , Meadows will be secluded in a locked room in the @ @ @ @ @ 3rd .
As part of his quarantine , Meadows will be socially distanced from microphones @ @ @ @ @ and all other recording and transmitting devices .
A White House source said that other @ @ @ @ @ by the news that Meadows had been infected by honesty .
“ This is why @ @ @ @ @ to journalists , ” the source said .
“ Mark probably caught it from one @ @ @ @ @ members of the Administration have yet to be tested for honesty , an official White @ @ @ @ @ American people should “ rest assured ” that Donald J. Trump and Mike Pence are @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House has quarantined Mark Meadows after the chief of staff tested positive for honesty.
Out of an abundance of caution, Meadows will be secluded in a locked room in the White House sub-basement through November 3rd.
As part of his quarantine, Meadows will be socially distanced from microphones, cameras, phones, and all other recording and transmitting devices.
A White House source said that other staffers were “shaken” by the news that Meadows had been infected by honesty.
“This is why you shouldn’t talk to journalists,” the source said. “Mark probably caught it from one of them.”
Although other members of the Administration have yet to be tested for honesty, an official White House statement said that the American people should “rest assured” that Donald J. Trump and Mike Pence are totally asymptomatic.


theborowitzreport--2020-10-27--Kavanaugh Supports Cutoff For Vote-Counting But Not for Drinking

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an opinion that sparked controversy in legal circles , Brett Kavanaugh wrote that @ @ @ @ @ for vote-counting but not for drinking .
The Supreme Court Justice wrote that , while @ @ @ @ @ Election Night should not be counted , drink orders placed after closing time at a @ @ @ @ @ .
“ While the Constitution does not guarantee the right to vote , it clearly @ @ @ @ @ , ” Kavanaugh wrote .
“ If a patron is seated at a bar at @ @ @ @ @ allowed to continue for hours , if not days , until drinking has been completed.
@ @ @ @ @ is “ no scenario in which it would be right to cut a drinker off.
@ @ @ @ @ example , a drinker is at a bar after a UB40 concert and some other @ @ @ @ @ and the dude—the first one—starts punching the other dudes , cutting off that dude would @ @ @ @ @ wrote , adding , “ UB40 is the best band evahhhh !
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an opinion that sparked controversy in legal circles, Brett Kavanaugh wrote that there should be a cutoff for vote-counting but not for drinking.
The Supreme Court Justice wrote that, while ballots received after midnight on Election Night should not be counted, drink orders placed after closing time at a bar should always be honored.
“While the Constitution does not guarantee the right to vote, it clearly enshrines the right to drink,” Kavanaugh wrote. “If a patron is seated at a bar at midnight, drinking should be allowed to continue for hours, if not days, until drinking has been completed.”
Kavanaugh added that there is “no scenario in which it would be right to cut a drinker off.”
“If, for example, a drinker is at a bar after a UB40 concert and some other dudes start dissing UB40, and the dude—the first one—starts punching the other dudes, cutting off that dude would be bogus,” he wrote, adding, “UB40 is the best band evahhhh!”


theborowitzreport--2020-10-28--Trump Tells Stranded Omaha Supporters That Buses Are Rounding the Turn

OMAHA ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump told supporters who were stranded in freezing temperatures when campaign buses @ @ @ @ @ night that the buses were “ rounding the turn.
” “ The buses will be @ @ @ @ @ Trump said .
“ We are moving very powerfully on buses.
” “ One minute @ @ @ @ @ , and then , suddenly , like magic , there are buses , ” he @ @ @ @ @ ll be a miracle.
” Trump blasted the media for criticizing the absence of buses @ @ @ @ @ fantastic job I ’ ve done on buses.
” “ The other day , a @ @ @ @ @ called me , and said , ‘ Sir , you have the most amazing buses @ @ @ @ @ .
“ But CNN doesn ’ t report that , because they are horrible people.
@ @ @ @ @ the Trump campaign Web site added to the list of the President ’ s first-term @ @ @ @ @ ”

OMAHA (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump told supporters who were stranded in freezing temperatures when campaign buses failed to materialize on Tuesday night that the buses were “rounding the turn.”
“The buses will be there very soon,” Trump said. “We are moving very powerfully on buses.”
“One minute, there are no buses, and then, suddenly, like magic, there are buses,” he said. “It’ll be a miracle.”
Trump blasted the media for criticizing the absence of buses instead of emphasizing the “fantastic job I’ve done on buses.”
“The other day, a very smart and respected man called me, and said, ‘Sir, you have the most amazing buses,’ ” Trump said. “But CNN doesn’t report that, because they are horrible people.”
On Wednesday morning, the Trump campaign Web site added to the list of the President’s first-term accomplishments: “Buses.”


theborowitzreport--2020-10-29--Jared Kushner Asks Dad to Bribe His Way Into Electoral College

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —With less than a week until Election Day , Jared Kushner has asked his father to bribe his way into the Electoral College .
Noting that Charles Kushner donated two and a half million dollars to Harvard before his son was accepted , Jared pointed out that his dad “ might have to pony up more this time around.
” “ The Electoral College only accepts five hundred and thirty-eight applicants , ” he reportedly told his dad .
“ Even Lori Loughlin couldn ’ t get her kids in.
” In addition to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ rain on the E.C.
, ” Jared said that he was putting together a “ stellar ” application .
“ I ’ m pretty sure I can get a letter of recommendation from Bob Woodward , ” he said .
“ We had an awesome interview.
” Between his father ’ s “ Benjamins ” and his own “ rock-star status , ” Jared said that his admission to the Electoral College should be “ a lock , ” arguing , “ How can they turn down the guy who ended the pandemic @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With less than a week until Election Day, Jared Kushner has asked his father to bribe his way into the Electoral College.
Noting that Charles Kushner donated two and a half million dollars to Harvard before his son was accepted, Jared pointed out that his dad “might have to pony up more this time around.”
“The Electoral College only accepts five hundred and thirty-eight applicants,” he reportedly told his dad. “Even Lori Loughlin couldn’t get her kids in.”
In addition to persuading his father to “make it rain on the E.C.,” Jared said that he was putting together a “stellar” application.
“I’m pretty sure I can get a letter of recommendation from Bob Woodward,” he said. “We had an awesome interview.”
Between his father’s “Benjamins” and his own “rock-star status,” Jared said that his admission to the Electoral College should be “a lock,” arguing, “How can they turn down the guy who ended the pandemic?”


theborowitzreport--2020-10-30--Democratic Voters Hope Election Day Means Democrats Will Stop Texting Them

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Democratic voters are anxiously awaiting Election Day in the hope that Democratic candidates and activists will finally stop texting them , a new poll shows .
In conversations with Democratic voters across the country , “ No longer being texted by Democrats ” has emerged as one of the most important issues to them in the 2020 campaign .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong : I love the fact that they ’ re trying to end this Trump nightmare , ” Carol Foyler , a Democratic voter in New Hampshire , said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ sure that I need to be reminded five times a day to vote when I voted by mail a month ago.
” Harland Dorrinson , who lives in Las Vegas , agreed .
“ I got a phone call in the middle of the night , and my heart raced because I thought it might be a family emergency , ” he said .
“ It was just Joe Biden telling me that he and Kamala need my support.
” Tracy Klugian , a resident of Des Moines , said that , while @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first , “ It now feels like borderline stalking.
” “ They keep texting me because I donated twenty-five dollars to defeat Joni Ernst a few months ago , ” he said .
“ But I guess now I feel like—oh , wait a second , I ’ m getting a call .
Never mind , it ’ s just Barack Obama .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Democratic voters are anxiously awaiting Election Day in the hope that Democratic candidates and activists will finally stop texting them, a new poll shows.
In conversations with Democratic voters across the country, “No longer being texted by Democrats” has emerged as one of the most important issues to them in the 2020 campaign.
“Don’t get me wrong: I love the fact that they’re trying to end this Trump nightmare,” Carol Foyler, a Democratic voter in New Hampshire, said. “I’m just not sure that I need to be reminded five times a day to vote when I voted by mail a month ago.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Las Vegas, agreed. “I got a phone call in the middle of the night, and my heart raced because I thought it might be a family emergency,” he said. “It was just Joe Biden telling me that he and Kamala need my support.”
Tracy Klugian, a resident of Des Moines, said that, while he appreciated the texts from Democrats at first, “It now feels like borderline stalking.”
“They keep texting me because I donated twenty-five dollars to defeat Joni Ernst a few months ago,” he said. “But I guess now I feel like—oh, wait a second, I’m getting a call. Never mind, it’s just Barack Obama.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-01--Trump Urges Americans to Wait in Parking Lot for Vaccine And Buses Will Pick Them Up

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In what his campaign staff touted as his “ November surprise , ” Donald @ @ @ @ @ the American people to wait in a parking lot for a coronavirus vaccine and buses @ @ @ @ @ “ Go to the nearest parking lot , and soon there will be a bus @ @ @ @ @ “ Very , very soon.
” Trump said that , in order to pick up @ @ @ @ @ million Americans from parking lots , he had secretly launched a program called Operation Warp @ @ @ @ @ be shiny , gleaming buses to take you to the vaccine , ” Trump said @ @ @ @ @ Appearing on CNN , Dr. Anthony Fauci took a slightly different tack regarding Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ the entire population of the United States in buses .
“ There are no damn @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Please , make it stop .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what his campaign staff touted as his “November surprise,” Donald J. Trump on Sunday told the American people to wait in a parking lot for a coronavirus vaccine and buses will pick them up.
“Go to the nearest parking lot, and soon there will be a bus,” he said. “Very, very soon.”
Trump said that, in order to pick up all three hundred and thirty million Americans from parking lots, he had secretly launched a program called Operation Warp Bus.
“There will be shiny, gleaming buses to take you to the vaccine,” Trump said. “Just wait.”
Appearing on CNN, Dr. Anthony Fauci took a slightly different tack regarding Trump’s plan to pick up the entire population of the United States in buses.
“There are no damn buses,” Fauci said. “Please, make it stop.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-02--Poll Shows Most Democrats Have Taken Advantage of Early Drinking

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ( The Borowitz Report ) —A new poll indicates that the vast majority of Democratic voters have taken advantage of early drinking ahead of the 2020 election .
In contrast to 2016 , when many Democrats did not begin drinking in earnest until well into Election Night , the poll indicates that these same voters started consuming alcohol days and even weeks before November 3rd .
“ By the time I started drinking in 2016 , it was too late for me to fully anesthetize myself , ” Harland Dorrinson , an Arizona Democrat who started @ @ @ @ @ @ @ That ’ s why I went for the early-drinking option.
” According to the poll , white wine , long considered a favorite of certain Democratic constituencies , was the choice of only twenty-four per cent of the early drinkers , while vodka , scotch , and other spirits garnered the support of a whopping fifty-nine per cent .
The surging support for hard liquor is an indication that Democrats are taking early drinking more seriously than they did in 2016 , experts say .
Carol Foyler , a Pennsylvania voter who began @ @ @ @ @ @ @ she had not stocked enough alcohol in her home in 2016 but was better prepared this year .
“ I made a plan to drink , ” she said .

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—A new poll indicates that the vast majority of Democratic voters have taken advantage of early drinking ahead of the 2020 election.
In contrast to 2016, when many Democrats did not begin drinking in earnest until well into Election Night, the poll indicates that these same voters started consuming alcohol days and even weeks before November 3rd.
“By the time I started drinking in 2016, it was too late for me to fully anesthetize myself,” Harland Dorrinson, an Arizona Democrat who started drinking last Thursday, said. “That’s why I went for the early-drinking option.”
According to the poll, white wine, long considered a favorite of certain Democratic constituencies, was the choice of only twenty-four per cent of the early drinkers, while vodka, scotch, and other spirits garnered the support of a whopping fifty-nine per cent.
The surging support for hard liquor is an indication that Democrats are taking early drinking more seriously than they did in 2016, experts say.
Carol Foyler, a Pennsylvania voter who began early drinking in September, said that she had not stocked enough alcohol in her home in 2016 but was better prepared this year. “I made a plan to drink,” she said.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-11-02--Susan Collins Unsure Whether She Will Vote for Herself

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Plunging her reëlection bid for the United States Senate into uncertainty , Susan Collins @ @ @ @ @ was unsure whether she would vote for herself .
Collins , who had long been @ @ @ @ @ 2020 , said that nagging doubts about her record in the Senate had given her @ @ @ @ @ of my career , I have been troubled and concerned about a whole range of @ @ @ @ @ .
“ The fact that I have been troubled and concerned as much as I @ @ @ @ @ and concerned.
” Collins shed no light on her soul-searching process other than to say @ @ @ @ @ remaining hours until the election wringing her hands .
“ I will make my decision @ @ @ @ @ voting booth on Tuesday , ” she said .
“ Or not .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Plunging her reëlection bid for the United States Senate into uncertainty, Susan Collins announced on Monday that she was unsure whether she would vote for herself.
Collins, who had long been expected to back herself in 2020, said that nagging doubts about her record in the Senate had given her pause.
“For much of my career, I have been troubled and concerned about a whole range of issues,” she said. “The fact that I have been troubled and concerned as much as I have has left me troubled and concerned.”
Collins shed no light on her soul-searching process other than to say that she would spend the remaining hours until the election wringing her hands.
“I will make my decision when I am in the voting booth on Tuesday,” she said. “Or not.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-01--Trump Urges Americans to Wait in Parking Lot for Vaccine and Buses Will Pick Them Up


theborowitzreport--2020-11-03--Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Reports That Women Are Voting

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump has ordered the Attorney General , Bill Barr , to investigate @ @ @ @ @ voting .
Trump said that he had evidence that women were casting ballots in the @ @ @ @ @ scandal that he called “ bigger than Watergate.
” “ We ’ re not going @ @ @ @ @ our country , ” he said .
“ We ’ re moving quite strongly and @ @ @ @ @ ” He also issued advice to suburban women , of whom he claimed to possess @ @ @ @ @ Suburban women , you need to stay at home and cook dinner so your husbands @ @ @ @ @ said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has ordered the Attorney General, Bill Barr, to investigate widespread reports that women are voting.
Trump said that he had evidence that women were casting ballots in the tens of millions, a scandal that he called “bigger than Watergate.”
“We’re not going to let this happen in our country,” he said. “We’re moving quite strongly and quite powerfully on the women.”
He also issued advice to suburban women, of whom he claimed to possess a deep understanding.
“Suburban women, you need to stay at home and cook dinner so your husbands can vote,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-11-04--Trump Asks Supreme Court to Rule That Wisconsin Is Not a State

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Hinting darkly that “ there ’ s something going on , ” Donald J.
@ @ @ @ @ States Supreme Court to rule that Wisconsin is not a state .
“ I ’ @ @ @ @ @ coming out of Wisconsin , which is a rigged hoax claiming to be a state @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I think it ’ s disgraceful.
” When asked by a reporter to @ @ @ @ @ to the Union , in 1848 , Trump said , “ Show me one person @ @ @ @ @ You can ’ t , because they ’ re all dead .
That ’ s @ @ @ @ @ ” Trump also said that Wisconsin had no right to call itself “ the Badger @ @ @ @ @ all , it ’ s not a state , ” Trump said .
“ Second @ @ @ @ @ no badgers there .
I ’ ve been there many , many times and have @ @ @ @ @ Wisconsin should apologize to the entire badger race .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hinting darkly that “there’s something going on,” Donald J. Trump has asked the United States Supreme Court to rule that Wisconsin is not a state.
“I’ve been hearing strange things coming out of Wisconsin, which is a rigged hoax claiming to be a state,” Trump told reporters. “I think it’s disgraceful.”
When asked by a reporter to explain Wisconsin’s admission to the Union, in 1848, Trump said, “Show me one person who saw that happen. You can’t, because they’re all dead. That’s very convenient and very cute.”
Trump also said that Wisconsin had no right to call itself “the Badger State.”
“First of all, it’s not a state,” Trump said. “Second of all, there are no badgers there. I’ve been there many, many times and have never seen a badger. Wisconsin should apologize to the entire badger race.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-04--Cincinnati Bengals Announce That They Have Won Super Bowl

CINCINNATI ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an early-morning victory statement that took many in the N.F.L .
by surprise @ @ @ @ @ declared themselves the winners of next February ’ s Super Bowl .
The declaration of @ @ @ @ @ controversy , in no small part because sixty minutes of the sixty-minute-long contest have yet @ @ @ @ @ the Bengals remained defiant , arguing that no touchdowns , extra points , field goals @ @ @ @ @ their announcement should count .
“ As far as we ’ re concerned , we @ @ @ @ @ ” the Bengals said .

CINCINNATI (The Borowitz Report)—In an early-morning victory statement that took many in the N.F.L. by surprise, the Cincinnati Bengals have declared themselves the winners of next February’s Super Bowl.
The declaration of victory seemed designed to stir controversy, in no small part because sixty minutes of the sixty-minute-long contest have yet to be played.
But the Bengals remained defiant, arguing that no touchdowns, extra points, field goals, or safeties scored after their announcement should count.
“As far as we’re concerned, we’ve already won,” the Bengals said.


theborowitzreport--2020-11-05--Trump Defends Lawsuits: “No One Knows More About Fraud Than Me”

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump offered a full-throated defense of his election-related lawsuits on Thursday , @ @ @ @ @ knows more about fraud than me.
” Trump ridiculed television commentators who have dismissed his @ @ @ @ @ claiming that he has “ much more experience in fraud than all of these beauties @ @ @ @ @ forget that , right when I became President , I settled a twenty-five-million-dollar fraud case @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ You can ’ t beat hands-on experience like that.
” “ For @ @ @ @ @ have been drenched in fraud , ” he said .
Trump said that , when @ @ @ @ @ in court , his special expertise will win the day .
“ Fraud is my @ @ @ @ @ boasted .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump offered a full-throated defense of his election-related lawsuits on Thursday, arguing, “No one knows more about fraud than me.”
Trump ridiculed television commentators who have dismissed his accusations of election fraud, claiming that he has “much more experience in fraud than all of these beauties put together.”
“People forget that, right when I became President, I settled a twenty-five-million-dollar fraud case against me,” he said. “You can’t beat hands-on experience like that.”
“For my entire life, I have been drenched in fraud,” he said.
Trump said that, when his election lawsuits are argued in court, his special expertise will win the day. “Fraud is my middle name,” he boasted.


theborowitzreport--2020-11-09--Richard Burr Furious That Senators Were Not Given Advance Notice to Buy Pfizer Stock

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Senator Richard Burr , Republican of North Carolina , said on Monday he was furious that senators were given “ no advance notice whatsoever ” to buy stock in the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer .
After Pfizer ’ s stock price surged , following news of its promising coronavirus vaccine , a visibly irate Burr held an impromptu press conference to express his outrage at having been “ totally blindsided.
” “ When I ran for the United States Senate , I did so with the clear understanding that , if elected , I would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ value , ” the senator said .
“ I feel like , today , that trust has been profoundly betrayed.
” Burr said there was “ absolutely no excuse ” for advance news of Pfizer ’ s vaccine trials being withheld from him .
“ I know the excuses that I ’ m going to hear , ” Burr said .
“ Yes , we ’ ve been distracted by the election .
Yes , we ’ ve been distracted by the economic crisis .
But , heavens to Betsy , this is @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Richard Burr, Republican of North Carolina, said on Monday he was furious that senators were given “no advance notice whatsoever” to buy stock in the pharmaceutical giant Pfizer.
After Pfizer’s stock price surged, following news of its promising coronavirus vaccine, a visibly irate Burr held an impromptu press conference to express his outrage at having been “totally blindsided.”
“When I ran for the United States Senate, I did so with the clear understanding that, if elected, I would receive stock tips of the highest possible value,” the senator said. “I feel like, today, that trust has been profoundly betrayed.”
Burr said there was “absolutely no excuse” for advance news of Pfizer’s vaccine trials being withheld from him.
“I know the excuses that I’m going to hear,” Burr said. “Yes, we’ve been distracted by the election. Yes, we’ve been distracted by the economic crisis. But, heavens to Betsy, this is my portfolio we’re talking about.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-09--Fauci Excited to Have Someone to Talk To

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Dr .
Anthony Fauci is excited to have someone to talk to , Fauci @ @ @ @ @ of having no one to talk to , Fauci said , the idea of saying @ @ @ @ @ hear it is “ a real kick.
” “ It ’ s been a little @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I ’ ve been doing a lot of journaling.
” “ Sometimes , @ @ @ @ @ talking to my dog , ” he added .
“ I think my poor dog @ @ @ @ @ my voice .
I ’ ve been driving him a little bit nutso.
” Reflecting @ @ @ @ @ to talk to , Fauci observed , “ It wasn ’ t a walk in @ @ @ @ @ , “ I don ’ t know how Scott Atlas is gon na deal with @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci is excited to have someone to talk to, Fauci has confirmed.
After months of having no one to talk to, Fauci said, the idea of saying something and having another person hear it is “a real kick.”
“It’s been a little lonely,” Fauci said. “I’ve been doing a lot of journaling.”
“Sometimes, I’ve found myself talking to my dog,” he added. “I think my poor dog has gotten sick of hearing my voice. I’ve been driving him a little bit nutso.”
Reflecting on his months without anyone to talk to, Fauci observed, “It wasn’t a walk in the park.” He added, “I don’t know how Scott Atlas is gonna deal with it.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-10--Fox News Obtains Damning Video of Biden Talking to Scientists

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In what the network described as “ the bombshell of the century , ” Fox News Channel has obtained a damning video of President-elect Joe Biden talking to scientists .
The video , which the Fox host Tucker Carlson warned viewers was “ almost too disturbing to air , ” was reportedly taped on Monday , during a video conference with the President-elect .
“ If authentic , this video could be grounds for Biden ’ s impeachment , ” Carlson said .
“ Talking to scientists , most legal scholars would agree , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ States Constitution.
” To buttress his assertion , Carlson singled out the appearance on the video of an epidemiologist from the University of Minnesota .
“ You can read the Constitution backward and forward , and you will not find the word ‘ epidemiologist , ’ ” Carlson said .
Stating that Biden has “ a lot of explaining to do , ” the Fox host said that the video could be “ the last nail in the coffin of the Biden Presidency.
” “ I am not easily shocked , but this @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ s laptop , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what the network described as “the bombshell of the century,” Fox News Channel has obtained a damning video of President-elect Joe Biden talking to scientists.
The video, which the Fox host Tucker Carlson warned viewers was “almost too disturbing to air,” was reportedly taped on Monday, during a video conference with the President-elect.
“If authentic, this video could be grounds for Biden’s impeachment,” Carlson said. “Talking to scientists, most legal scholars would agree, is a high crime under the United States Constitution.”
To buttress his assertion, Carlson singled out the appearance on the video of an epidemiologist from the University of Minnesota. “You can read the Constitution backward and forward, and you will not find the word ‘epidemiologist,’ ” Carlson said.
Stating that Biden has “a lot of explaining to do,” the Fox host said that the video could be “the last nail in the coffin of the Biden Presidency.”
“I am not easily shocked, but this is far worse than anything on Hunter’s laptop,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-11-11--New Trump Lawsuit Seeks to Overturn Obama’s 2008 Election

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In his latest legal action , Donald J. Trump has filed a lawsuit to @ @ @ @ @ ’ s election in 2008 .
Throwing out Obama ’ s win seems like a @ @ @ @ @ scholars , who note that the former President won in 2008 by more than nine @ @ @ @ @ three hundred and sixty-five Electoral College votes in a resounding landslide .
Further complicating Trump @ @ @ @ @ his lawsuit refers to no tangible evidence of voter fraud in 2008 , other than @ @ @ @ @ there were a lot of bad things going on.
” Reached at his office at @ @ @ @ @ by the prospect of his 2008 election being overturned .
“ Look , I ’ @ @ @ @ @ ” he said .
“ I ’ ve got scripts to read and rough cuts @ @ @ @ @ ’ t have the kind of free time that Donald Trump has .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest legal action, Donald J. Trump has filed a lawsuit to overturn former President Barack Obama’s election in 2008.
Throwing out Obama’s win seems like a long shot to most legal scholars, who note that the former President won in 2008 by more than nine million votes and racked up three hundred and sixty-five Electoral College votes in a resounding landslide.
Further complicating Trump’s case is that his lawsuit refers to no tangible evidence of voter fraud in 2008, other than a cryptic statement that “there were a lot of bad things going on.”
Reached at his office at Netflix, Obama seemed unconcerned by the prospect of his 2008 election being overturned. “Look, I’m a TV producer,” he said. “I’ve got scripts to read and rough cuts to watch. I don’t have the kind of free time that Donald Trump has.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-12--Biden Could Receive Classified Intelligence Just by Hanging Out in Mar-a-Lago Dining Room

PALM BEACH , Florida ( The Borowitz Report ) —President-elect Joe Biden could obtain all the classified intelligence he needs @ @ @ @ @ the public dining room at Mar-a-Lago , members of the international espionage community recommend .
@ @ @ @ @ worry about getting official intelligence briefings , ” a foreign spy , who spoke on @ @ @ @ @ .
“ He should just reserve a table at Mar-a-Lago , and he ’ ll @ @ @ @ @ The spy offered his own methods for obtaining classified intelligence as a possible roadmap for @ @ @ @ @ a table near Trump , order an omelette , and turn on your recorder , @ @ @ @ @ the last four years “ the golden age of spying on the U.S. , ” @ @ @ @ @ about the impending Biden Presidency .
“ Nothing lasts forever , ” he said .

PALM BEACH, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—President-elect Joe Biden could obtain all the classified intelligence he needs simply by hanging out in the public dining room at Mar-a-Lago, members of the international espionage community recommend.
“Biden shouldn’t worry about getting official intelligence briefings,” a foreign spy, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said. “He should just reserve a table at Mar-a-Lago, and he’ll hear everything he needs.”
The spy offered his own methods for obtaining classified intelligence as a possible roadmap for the President-elect. “Get a table near Trump, order an omelette, and turn on your recorder,” he said.
Calling the last four years “the golden age of spying on the U.S.,” the intelligence agent was philosophical about the impending Biden Presidency. “Nothing lasts forever,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-11-13--Nation Celebrates Full Week of Trump Not Talking

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ( The Borowitz Report ) —The United States is celebrating a full week of Donald J. Trump not talking , Americans have confirmed .
From coast to coast , Americans are savoring their freedom from Trump ’ s utterances for the first time since 2015 .
“ As much as I wanted Trump to lose , I had no idea that losing would make him stop talking , ” Carol Foyler , who lives in Pittsburgh , said .
“ I feel like I ’ ve won the lottery.
” Tracy Klugian , who lives in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ecstasy .
“ I want to celebrate Trump not talking , but I guess I ’ m afraid to , ” she said .
“ He ’ s been quiet for a week , and I don ’ t want to do anything to jinx that.
” But Harland Dorrinson , a resident of St. Louis , felt that an occasion as momentous as Trump being silent for a week “ must be honored.
” “ I believe that we ’ re living through an important moment in history , ” he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ‘ Where were you when Donald Trump stopped talking ?
’ ”

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—The United States is celebrating a full week of Donald J. Trump not talking, Americans have confirmed.
From coast to coast, Americans are savoring their freedom from Trump’s utterances for the first time since 2015.
“As much as I wanted Trump to lose, I had no idea that losing would make him stop talking,” Carol Foyler, who lives in Pittsburgh, said. “I feel like I’ve won the lottery.”
Tracy Klugian, who lives in Minneapolis, was more guarded in her ecstasy. “I want to celebrate Trump not talking, but I guess I’m afraid to,” she said. “He’s been quiet for a week, and I don’t want to do anything to jinx that.”
But Harland Dorrinson, a resident of St. Louis, felt that an occasion as momentous as Trump being silent for a week “must be honored.”
“I believe that we’re living through an important moment in history,” he said. “Someday, people will ask, ‘Where were you when Donald Trump stopped talking?’ ”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-16--Obama Offers to Read His Book Aloud to Trump

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Saying , “ It ’ s the least I can do , ” former @ @ @ @ @ to read his new book aloud to Donald J. Trump .
“ There ’ s @ @ @ @ @ democracy , governmental norms , and the rule of law , ” Obama said of @ @ @ @ @ ” which is being published this week .
“ I think he ’ d get @ @ @ @ @ being read to him.
” Obama said that he had thought about sending Trump the @ @ @ @ @ realized that “ there would be no one to help him when he got to @ @ @ @ @ t understand.
” “ I ’ m excited to do this , ” Obama said @ @ @ @ @ nothing more important than education.
” Acknowledging that it would take a lot of time @ @ @ @ @ the entire seven-hundred-and-sixty-eight-page book , Obama said , “ He has a lot of time @ @ @ @ @ stopped going to meetings of the coronavirus task force .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying, “It’s the least I can do,” former President Barack Obama has offered to read his new book aloud to Donald J. Trump.
“There’s a lot in there about democracy, governmental norms, and the rule of law,” Obama said of “A Promised Land,” which is being published this week. “I think he’d get a lot out of it being read to him.”
Obama said that he had thought about sending Trump the audiobook version, but then realized that “there would be no one to help him when he got to a word he didn’t understand.”
“I’m excited to do this,” Obama said. “There’s nothing more important than education.”
Acknowledging that it would take a lot of time for Trump to listen to the entire seven-hundred-and-sixty-eight-page book, Obama said, “He has a lot of time on his hands since he stopped going to meetings of the coronavirus task force.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-15--Giuliani Arrives in Ukraine to Look for More Votes

KYIV ( The Borowitz Report ) —Now the mastermind of Donald J. Trump ’ s post-election strategy , Rudolph Giuliani @ @ @ @ @ in search of more votes for his client .
Speaking to reporters at the Kyiv @ @ @ @ @ Giuliani said that he expected to return to the United States with “ bags full @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Joe Biden is leading Trump by about sixty thousand votes in Pennsylvania , @ @ @ @ @ New York said .
“ The population of Ukraine is forty-three million !
You think @ @ @ @ @ sixty thousand votes in this country ?
Get out of here !
Get out of @ @ @ @ @ that he was confident that his quest for votes would be a success because “ @ @ @ @ @ Ukraine , I come away smellin ’ like a rose !
” Concluding his remarks @ @ @ @ @ would later announce the results of his mission at Kyiv Hilton Total Landscaping .

KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—Now the mastermind of Donald J. Trump’s post-election strategy, Rudolph Giuliani, has travelled to Ukraine in search of more votes for his client.
Speaking to reporters at the Kyiv airport, a highly animated Giuliani said that he expected to return to the United States with “bags full of votes” for Trump.
“Joe Biden is leading Trump by about sixty thousand votes in Pennsylvania,” the former mayor of New York said. “The population of Ukraine is forty-three million! You think I can’t find sixty thousand votes in this country? Get out of here! Get out of here!”
Giuliani added that he was confident that his quest for votes would be a success because “every time I go to Ukraine, I come away smellin’ like a rose!”
Concluding his remarks, he said that he would later announce the results of his mission at Kyiv Hilton Total Landscaping.


theborowitzreport--2020-11-17--Trump Furious After White House H.R. Schedules His Exit Interview

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the White House ’ s Human Resources @ @ @ @ @ had scheduled his exit interview , the head of H.R .
has revealed .
Carol @ @ @ @ @ chief who was the target of Trump ’ s wrath , said that the exit @ @ @ @ @ tool ” to help make the White House a better working environment .
“ Everyone @ @ @ @ @ has to participate in an exit interview , ” she said .
“ That was @ @ @ @ @ people who left during the past four years.
” The H.R .
executive said that @ @ @ @ @ could help Trump explore any workplace issues that led to his departure .
“ The @ @ @ @ @ his job held it for eight years and he only lasted four , ” she @ @ @ @ @ be helpful to get his perspective on why things didn ’ t work out for @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the White House’s Human Resources Department notified him that it had scheduled his exit interview, the head of H.R. has revealed.
Carol Foyler, the H.R. chief who was the target of Trump’s wrath, said that the exit interview is a “valuable tool” to help make the White House a better working environment.
“Everyone who leaves the White House has to participate in an exit interview,” she said. “That was true of the nine thousand people who left during the past four years.”
The H.R. executive said that she hoped that the interview could help Trump explore any workplace issues that led to his departure.
“The previous three people who had his job held it for eight years and he only lasted four,” she said. “It would be helpful to get his perspective on why things didn’t work out for him here.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-11-18--National-Security Experts Support Total Withdrawal of Trump from U.S.

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —A broad spectrum of national-security experts support the immediate and total withdrawal of Donald @ @ @ @ @ States .
In an open letter signed by over three hundred members of the military @ @ @ @ @ experts wrote that Trump ’ s withdrawal is “ long past due.
” “ After @ @ @ @ @ conflict is over , ” they wrote .
“ It is time to reduce the @ @ @ @ @ zero.
” “ It is no longer in the interest of the United States for @ @ @ @ @ , ” they added .
The experts recommended that further steps be taken to reduce @ @ @ @ @ U.S. soil , and called for the immediate withdrawal of Ivanka , Jared , Eric @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A broad spectrum of national-security experts support the immediate and total withdrawal of Donald J. Trump from the United States.
In an open letter signed by over three hundred members of the military and intelligence communities, the experts wrote that Trump’s withdrawal is “long past due.”
“After nearly four years, this conflict is over,” they wrote. “It is time to reduce the troop level from one to zero.”
“It is no longer in the interest of the United States for Trump to be stationed here,” they added.
The experts recommended that further steps be taken to reduce Trump’s footprint on U.S. soil, and called for the immediate withdrawal of Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don, Jr.


theborowitzreport--2020-11-19--Man Refuses to Leave Job He Hates

Man Refuses to Leave Job He Hates

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —A Florida man who hates the job he has held for nearly four years is nevertheless refusing to leave it , puzzling psychologists .
While many people are reluctant to leave jobs that they enjoy , the man has shown every sign of despising his job from the day he took it .
Rather than applying himself to the tasks before him , he has gone to great lengths to avoid them , watching television most of the day and frequently leaving the office to play golf .
Sometimes , he has even hidden @ @ @ @ @ @ @ hours , according to reports .
And yet , despite his obvious distaste for his job , he has steadfastly refused to accept the fact that he was fired from it two weeks ago .
Dr. Davis Logsdon , chairman of the psychology department of the University of Minnesota , proposed a possible explanation for the man ’ s bizarre actions .
“ This is the behavior of someone who has failed at many jobs , ” he said .
“ On some level , he is terrified that he is not employable @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A Florida man who hates the job he has held for nearly four years is nevertheless refusing to leave it, puzzling psychologists.
While many people are reluctant to leave jobs that they enjoy, the man has shown every sign of despising his job from the day he took it.
Rather than applying himself to the tasks before him, he has gone to great lengths to avoid them, watching television most of the day and frequently leaving the office to play golf.
Sometimes, he has even hidden in the basement of his workplace for hours, according to reports.
And yet, despite his obvious distaste for his job, he has steadfastly refused to accept the fact that he was fired from it two weeks ago.
Dr. Davis Logsdon, chairman of the psychology department of the University of Minnesota, proposed a possible explanation for the man’s bizarre actions.
“This is the behavior of someone who has failed at many jobs,” he said. “On some level, he is terrified that he is not employable anywhere else.”


theborowitzreport--2020-11-25--Putin Warns That U.S. Will Be Controlled by Americans

MOSCOW ( The Borowitz Report ) —Asserting that his “ darkest fears have been confirmed , ” Vladimir Putin warned @ @ @ @ @ on the verge of being controlled by Americans .
Speaking to reporters at the Kremlin @ @ @ @ @ that President-elect Joe Biden was “ the handpicked instrument of those who would seek to @ @ @ @ @ Joe Biden is no more and no less than a puppet of the American people @ @ @ @ @ “ His Cabinet appointments have left little doubt that , after four years of progress @ @ @ @ @ fallen into American hands , ” he said .
“ Joe Biden is keenly aware @ @ @ @ @ power , and he will do their bidding.
” Russia experts said that Putin ’ @ @ @ @ @ to a concession speech as he is likely to make .

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his “darkest fears have been confirmed,” Vladimir Putin warned that the United States is on the verge of being controlled by Americans.
Speaking to reporters at the Kremlin, the Russian President alleged that President-elect Joe Biden was “the handpicked instrument of those who would seek to advance American interests.”
“Joe Biden is no more and no less than a puppet of the American people,” he charged.
“His Cabinet appointments have left little doubt that, after four years of progress, the United States has fallen into American hands,” he said. “Joe Biden is keenly aware that Americans put him in power, and he will do their bidding.”
Russia experts said that Putin’s remarks were as close to a concession speech as he is likely to make.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-11-24--Trump Blasts Biden Cabinet’s Lack of Reality-Show Experience

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a series of blistering tweets , Donald J. Trump ripped President-elect Joe Biden for choosing Cabinet members woefully lacking in reality-show experience .
Calling the Cabinet picks a “ bunch of losers who have spent their lives working at desks , ” Trump questioned the team ’ s preparedness to take on the challenges presented by today ’ s complex reality-show landscape .
“ These people have never earned an immunity idol , presided over a rose ceremony , or danced with a star , ” Trump said .
“ This is the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ He saved his most withering criticism for Janet Yellen , Biden ’ s pick for Treasury Secretary .
“ If Joe really wanted a woman for this position , why didn ’ t he choose one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills ?
” Trump asked .
“ They know a lot more about money than this clown.
” Leaving aside Biden ’ s failure to pack his Cabinet with experienced reality-show participants , Trump was baffled by his successor ’ s decision to bypass other highly talented candidates .
“ Ivanka @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , Jr. , are all looking for jobs , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of blistering tweets, Donald J. Trump ripped President-elect Joe Biden for choosing Cabinet members woefully lacking in reality-show experience.
Calling the Cabinet picks a “bunch of losers who have spent their lives working at desks,” Trump questioned the team’s preparedness to take on the challenges presented by today’s complex reality-show landscape.
“These people have never earned an immunity idol, presided over a rose ceremony, or danced with a star,” Trump said. “This is the best Sleepy Joe could do?”
He saved his most withering criticism for Janet Yellen, Biden’s pick for Treasury Secretary. “If Joe really wanted a woman for this position, why didn’t he choose one of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?” Trump asked. “They know a lot more about money than this clown.”
Leaving aside Biden’s failure to pack his Cabinet with experienced reality-show participants, Trump was baffled by his successor’s decision to bypass other highly talented candidates. “Ivanka, Jared, Eric, and Don, Jr., are all looking for jobs,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-11-26--Melania Banishes Trump to Children’s Table

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Claiming that his tantrum about losing the election had ruined Thanksgiving , Melania Trump exiled her husband to the children ’ s table .
Donald J. Trump ’ s expulsion occurred shortly after his wife asked those at the grownups ’ table to name things for which they were thankful .
Jared Kushner named “ doing such a kick-ass job on the pandemic , ” Ivanka Trump cited “ that I didn ’ t talk to Bob Woodward , ” and Rudy Giuliani chose “ my beautiful , naturally dark hair.
” When it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he launched into a ten-minute tirade about an election-stealing conspiracy involving George Soros , Dr. Anthony Fauci , and “ well-known Antifa sympathizer Tucker Carlson.
” By the time he began calling for the imprisonment of Lesley Stahl , Melania had heard enough .
“ You just wrecked Thanksgiving , which is my favorite holiday , ” she said .
“ It ’ s not like Christmas , which totally blows.
” She then banished her sulking husband to the children ’ s table , causing Barron Trump to remark , “ Why @ @ @ @ @ @ @ later emerged victorious in a wishbone game with his father , who demanded that the result of that contest be overturned .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Claiming that his tantrum about losing the election had ruined Thanksgiving, Melania Trump exiled her husband to the children’s table.
Donald J. Trump’s expulsion occurred shortly after his wife asked those at the grownups’ table to name things for which they were thankful.
Jared Kushner named “doing such a kick-ass job on the pandemic,” Ivanka Trump cited “that I didn’t talk to Bob Woodward,” and Rudy Giuliani chose “my beautiful, naturally dark hair.”
When it was the President’s turn, he launched into a ten-minute tirade about an election-stealing conspiracy involving George Soros, Dr. Anthony Fauci, and “well-known Antifa sympathizer Tucker Carlson.”
By the time he began calling for the imprisonment of Lesley Stahl, Melania had heard enough.
“You just wrecked Thanksgiving, which is my favorite holiday,” she said. “It’s not like Christmas, which totally blows.”
She then banished her sulking husband to the children’s table, causing Barron Trump to remark, “Why am I being punished?”
Barron later emerged victorious in a wishbone game with his father, who demanded that the result of that contest be overturned.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-11-30--Trump Tries to Prove He Is Fitter Than Biden by Playing Fetch with Pence on White House Lawn

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an attempt to demonstrate that he is in better physical condition than President-elect @ @ @ @ @ Trump spent part of Monday morning playing fetch with Mike Pence on the White House @ @ @ @ @ was invited to the event , at which Trump , seated on a golf cart @ @ @ @ @ tennis ball at his Vice-President , who obediently retrieved them .
At one point in @ @ @ @ @ to praise his boss ’ s “ amazing stamina.
” “ Mr .
President , @ @ @ @ @ mental acuity was beyond compare , but I must say that your physical strength and @ @ @ @ @ miraculous , ” Pence said .
“ I can ’ t hear you with that @ @ @ @ @ , ” Trump replied .
After half an hour of fetching , Pence became winded @ @ @ @ @ Lindsey Graham .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an attempt to demonstrate that he is in better physical condition than President-elect Joe Biden, Donald J. Trump spent part of Monday morning playing fetch with Mike Pence on the White House lawn.
The press corps was invited to the event, at which Trump, seated on a golf cart, hurled tennis ball after tennis ball at his Vice-President, who obediently retrieved them.
At one point in the demonstration, Pence paused to praise his boss’s “amazing stamina.”
“Mr. President, I always knew that your mental acuity was beyond compare, but I must say that your physical strength and endurance are nothing short of miraculous,” Pence said.
“I can’t hear you with that tennis ball in your mouth,” Trump replied.
After half an hour of fetching, Pence became winded and was replaced by Senator Lindsey Graham.


theborowitzreport--2020-12-02--White House Says Pardons Will Be Given First to Essential Frontline Criminals

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —With fewer than fifty days until the Inauguration , the White House is facing the daunting task of distributing thousands of pardons to those who are desperately in need .
In an effort to insure an orderly rollout of pardons , the Trump Administration announced that the first recipients would be essential frontline criminals .
According to the announcement , essential frontline criminals include all White House staffers and Cabinet members who have spent the past four years receiving improper emoluments , destroying evidence , and subverting democracy .
“ These essential criminals have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , for the good of President Trump , ” the White House press secretary , Kayleigh McEnany , said .
“ They need to be immunized , so that they can continue their important work.
” The announcement immediately raised concerns among frontline criminals , who fear that their swelling numbers , believed to be in the tens of thousands , could mean that there would not be enough pardons to go around .
McEnany , however , sought to allay those fears .
“ President Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” she said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than fifty days until the Inauguration, the White House is facing the daunting task of distributing thousands of pardons to those who are desperately in need.
In an effort to insure an orderly rollout of pardons, the Trump Administration announced that the first recipients would be essential front-line criminals.
According to the announcement, essential front-line criminals include all White House staffers and Cabinet members who have spent the past four years receiving improper emoluments, destroying evidence, and subverting democracy.
“These essential criminals have risked imprisonment day in, day out, for the good of President Trump,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “They need to be immunized, so that they can continue their important work.”
The announcement immediately raised concerns among front-line criminals, who fear that their swelling numbers, believed to be in the tens of thousands, could mean that there would not be enough pardons to go around.
McEnany, however, sought to allay those fears. “President Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act to ramp up the manufacturing of Sharpies,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-12-03--Barr Begs Trump Not to Let One Isolated Incident of Honesty Wipe Out Two Years of Lying

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —With his job on the line , Attorney General William Barr begged Donald J.
@ @ @ @ @ isolated incident of honesty wipe out two years of wonderful lying .
According to those @ @ @ @ @ meeting between the two men , Barr desperately sought to remind Trump of the steady @ @ @ @ @ he had spewed during his tenure as the President ’ s toadying lackey .
“ @ @ @ @ @ the Mueller report exonerated you ?
” Barr pleaded .
“ That was a great @ @ @ @ @ it ?
” “ And remember when I said that no tear gas was used @ @ @ @ @ Park ?
” he said .
“ We ’ ve had so many good times @ @ @ @ @ tried to excuse his one moment of honesty as “ temporary insanity ” and assured @ @ @ @ @ never happen again.
” “ Even the greatest liars slip and tell the truth sometimes @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With his job on the line, Attorney General William Barr begged Donald J. Trump not to let one isolated incident of honesty wipe out two years of wonderful lying.
According to those who witnessed the Oval Office meeting between the two men, Barr desperately sought to remind Trump of the steady stream of outrageous whoppers that he had spewed during his tenure as the President’s toadying lackey.
“What about when I said the Mueller report exonerated you?” Barr pleaded. “That was a great one, wasn’t it?”
“And remember when I said that no tear gas was used on the protesters in Lafayette Park?” he said. “We’ve had so many good times together.”
The Attorney General tried to excuse his one moment of honesty as “temporary insanity” and assured Trump that it would “never happen again.”
“Even the greatest liars slip and tell the truth sometimes,” he said.
“I don’t,” Trump frostily replied.


theborowitzreport--2020-12-04--Fauci a Little Weirded Out by People Suddenly Listening to Him

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Dr .
Anthony Fauci is “ a little weirded out ” by people suddenly listening to him , the virologist has confirmed .
After months of being virtually ignored , Fauci said that the phenomenon of people paying attention when he says something is “ kind of freaky.
” “ I guess I got used to being in meetings where I ’ d start talking and people would take that as an opportunity to look at their phones , ” he said .
“ This whole thing of me saying things and other people @ @ @ @ @ @ @ me for a loop.
” Fauci added that the novel experience of people acknowledging his existence has created “ a ton of pressure.
” “ It ’ s bizarre , frankly , to all of a sudden be saying things and have people ask follow-up questions , like they were listening to what I just said , ” he said .
“ Don ’ t get me wrong , I ’ m not complaining .
But when people are actually listening to what you say it can be kind of stressful .
You @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and can ’ t just phone it in .
Be careful what you wish for , I guess .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci is “a little weirded out” by people suddenly listening to him, the virologist has confirmed.
After months of being virtually ignored, Fauci said that the phenomenon of people paying attention when he says something is “kind of freaky.”
“I guess I got used to being in meetings where I’d start talking and people would take that as an opportunity to look at their phones,” he said. “This whole thing of me saying things and other people listening to me has kind of thrown me for a loop.”
Fauci added that the novel experience of people acknowledging his existence has created “a ton of pressure.”
“It’s bizarre, frankly, to all of a sudden be saying things and have people ask follow-up questions, like they were listening to what I just said,” he said. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. But when people are actually listening to what you say it can be kind of stressful. You really have to bring your A game and can’t just phone it in. Be careful what you wish for, I guess.”


theborowitzreport--2020-12-07--MyPillow Guy Joins with Trump to Promote MyPardon

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a limited-time offer to current and former White House staffers , Mike Lindell @ @ @ @ @ MyPillow Guy , is joining forces with Donald J. Trump to promote a new product @ @ @ @ @ 69.98 , the price of a MyPillow , Trump associates will receive a preëmptive pardon @ @ @ @ @ for all federal crimes .
Unlike MyPillow , which comes with a ten-year warranty , @ @ @ @ @ , Lindell said .
“ People wonder how someone who worked for Donald Trump can @ @ @ @ @ Lindell said .
“ With MyPardon , you ’ ll sleep like a baby .
@

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a limited-time offer to current and former White House staffers, Mike Lindell, better known as the MyPillow Guy, is joining forces with Donald J. Trump to promote a new product called MyPardon.
For $69.98, the price of a MyPillow, Trump associates will receive a preëmptive pardon rendering them immune from prosecution for all federal crimes.
Unlike MyPillow, which comes with a ten-year warranty, MyPardon is guaranteed for life, Lindell said.
“People wonder how someone who worked for Donald Trump can sleep at night,” Lindell said. “With MyPardon, you’ll sleep like a baby.”


theborowitzreport--2020-12-02--White House Says Pardons Will Be Given First to Essential Front-Line Criminals

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —With fewer than fifty days until the Inauguration , the White House is facing the daunting task of distributing thousands of pardons to those who are desperately in need .
In an effort to insure an orderly rollout of pardons , the Trump Administration announced that the first recipients would be essential front-line criminals .
According to the announcement , essential front-line criminals include all White House staffers and Cabinet members who have spent the past four years receiving improper emoluments , destroying evidence , and subverting democracy .
“ These essential criminals have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , for the good of President Trump , ” the White House press secretary , Kayleigh McEnany , said .
“ They need to be immunized , so that they can continue their important work.
” The announcement immediately raised concerns among front-line criminals , who fear that their swelling numbers , believed to be in the tens of thousands , could mean that there would not be enough pardons to go around .
McEnany , however , sought to allay those fears .
“ President Trump has invoked the Defense Production Act @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” she said .


theborowitzreport--2020-12-09--Trump Attempts to Fire Amy Coney Barrett

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —A furious Donald J. Trump attempted to fire the Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney @ @ @ @ @ According to the sources , Trump was so irate about the Supreme Court ’ s @ @ @ @ @ on Tuesday that he phoned Barrett directly to inform her that she was “ history.
@ @ @ @ @ to get a job done , and you didn ’ t get it done , @ @ @ @ @ .
“ You ’ re out of here.
” Sources say that Barrett had the @ @ @ @ @ that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life and therefore can not be fired , @ @ @ @ @ “ flabbergasted.
” “ If I can ’ t fire anybody I want , maybe @ @ @ @ @ to be President anymore , ” he reportedly muttered .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald J. Trump attempted to fire the Supreme Court Justice Amy Coney Barrett, sources report.
According to the sources, Trump was so irate about the Supreme Court’s dismissal of his election challenge on Tuesday that he phoned Barrett directly to inform her that she was “history.”
“I hired you to get a job done, and you didn’t get it done,” Trump angrily informed Barrett. “You’re out of here.”
Sources say that Barrett had the unenviable task of informing Trump that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life and therefore cannot be fired, a revelation that left Trump “flabbergasted.”
“If I can’t fire anybody I want, maybe I don’t want to be President anymore,” he reportedly muttered.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-12-11--White House Offers Curbside Pickup of Pardons

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In response to the coronavirus pandemic , the White House is offering curbside pickup @ @ @ @ @ cronies who have ordered pardons from Donald J. Trump .
The White House made the @ @ @ @ @ pardon-pickup option to accommodate the surging number of stooges and lackeys who have been shopping @ @ @ @ @ .
Republicans looking to pick up their pardons may do so at a drive-through window @ @ @ @ @ eight in the morning until nine at night , the White House announced .
Donald @ @ @ @ @ will personally dispense the pardons through the window , enabling pardon-seekers to remain safely in @ @ @ @ @ House press secretary , Kayleigh McEnany , urged Trump ’ s toadying enablers to pick @ @ @ @ @ as possible .
“ Get your pardon first thing in the morning , and you @ @ @ @ @ of time to get to the Supreme Court to try to throw out the election @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In response to the coronavirus pandemic, the White House is offering curbside pickup for Republican officials and other cronies who have ordered pardons from Donald J. Trump.
The White House made the decision to offer the contactless pardon-pickup option to accommodate the surging number of stooges and lackeys who have been shopping for pardons this holiday season.
Republicans looking to pick up their pardons may do so at a drive-through window outside the Oval Office from eight in the morning until nine at night, the White House announced.
Donald J. Trump or Mike Pence will personally dispense the pardons through the window, enabling pardon-seekers to remain safely in their cars.
The White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, urged Trump’s toadying enablers to pick up their pardons as early as possible. “Get your pardon first thing in the morning, and you’ll still have plenty of time to get to the Supreme Court to try to throw out the election,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-12-12--Trump Orders Space Force to Discover Other Planets with Courts

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a sign that he is not ready to give up his legal challenge @ @ @ @ @ Donald J. Trump has ordered the United States Space Force to discover other planets that @ @ @ @ @ legal options on this planet dwindling , Trump is placing all of his hopes on @ @ @ @ @ have intergalactic jurisdiction over Earth .
On the heels of his Space Force announcement , @ @ @ @ @ a planet with a functioning legal system could be located before the Electoral College casts @ @ @ @ @ But , in a sentiment shared by many Republicans , Senator Kelly Loeffler , of @ @ @ @ @ “ totally supports ” Trump ’ s decision to seek justice on another planet .
@ @ @ @ @ the process play out , ” she said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign that he is not ready to give up his legal challenge to the 2020 election, Donald J. Trump has ordered the United States Space Force to discover other planets that have courts.
With his legal options on this planet dwindling, Trump is placing all of his hopes on identifying another planet that might have intergalactic jurisdiction over Earth.
On the heels of his Space Force announcement, astronomers expressed deep skepticism that a planet with a functioning legal system could be located before the Electoral College casts its votes on Monday.
But, in a sentiment shared by many Republicans, Senator Kelly Loeffler, of Georgia, said that she “totally supports” Trump’s decision to seek justice on another planet. “Let’s let the process play out,” she said.