theborowitzreport--2020-04-15--Trump Defends Decision to Sign Stimulus Checks: “I Want My Name to Be Synonymous With the Coronaviru

Trump Defends Decision to Sign Stimulus Checks: “I Want My Name to Be Synonymous With the Coronavirus”

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump vehemently defended his decision to have his name printed on millions @ @ @ @ @ issued to the American people , telling reporters on Wednesday , “ I want my @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus.
” Lashing out at critics of his decision , Trump said , “ @ @ @ @ @ this pandemic day in , day out , and I deserve total credit for it.
@ @ @ @ @ by putting his name on the checks , “ Whenever the American people hear about @ @ @ @ @ thing they ’ ll think of is me.
” Asked about Trump ’ s decision @ @ @ @ @ Dr. Anthony Fauci said , “ I don ’ t think it was really necessary @ @ @ @ @ associate the coronavirus with him.
” Former President Barack Obama said that he was “ @ @ @ @ @ s statement , remarking , “ I had no idea that he knew what the @ @ @ @ @ .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump vehemently defended his decision to have his name printed on millions of I.R.S. checks being issued to the American people, telling reporters on Wednesday, “I want my name to be synonymous with the coronavirus.”
Lashing out at critics of his decision, Trump said, “I have been working on this pandemic day in, day out, and I deserve total credit for it.”
He said that, by putting his name on the checks, “Whenever the American people hear about the coronavirus, the first thing they’ll think of is me.”
Asked about Trump’s decision to sign the checks, Dr. Anthony Fauci said, “I don’t think it was really necessary, since most people already associate the coronavirus with him.”
Former President Barack Obama said that he was “surprised” by Trump’s statement, remarking, “I had no idea that he knew what the word ‘synonymous’ meant.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-15--Trump Says the Three Things He Hates Most Are the World, Health, and Organization

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —At Tuesday ’ s White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing , Donald J. Trump said that the three things he hates the most are the world , health , and organization .
“ I hate the world , and I ’ ve always hated it , ” he said .
“ The world is a horrible place because of all the horrible people in it .
Any place that has Jim Acosta in it , I hate .
The world is a disgrace.
” “ Coming in at No .
2 of things I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he said .
“ For the past two months , it ’ s all I ’ ve been hearing about , health this , health that .
I wish health would just disappear .
We ’ re trying to make that happen very strongly.
” “ Finally , I ’ ve got to say that I hate organization , ” he said .
“ Anyone who ’ s known me for any amount of time knows just how much I despise organization .
Now , all of a sudden , governors , these @ @ @ @ @ @ @ asking me to organize everything .
Well , it ’ s not gon na happen .
For years before I got here , there was organization at the White House , and no one did anything about it .
Well , now that I ’ m President , the federal government is getting out of the organization business .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At Tuesday’s White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing, Donald J. Trump said that the three things he hates the most are the world, health, and organization.
“I hate the world, and I’ve always hated it,” he said. “The world is a horrible place because of all the horrible people in it. Any place that has Jim Acosta in it, I hate. The world is a disgrace.”
“Coming in at No. 2 of things I hate would definitely be health,” he said. “For the past two months, it’s all I’ve been hearing about, health this, health that. I wish health would just disappear. We’re trying to make that happen very strongly.”
“Finally, I’ve got to say that I hate organization,” he said. “Anyone who’s known me for any amount of time knows just how much I despise organization. Now, all of a sudden, governors, these beauties, are coming to me and asking me to organize everything. Well, it’s not gonna happen. For years before I got here, there was organization at the White House, and no one did anything about it. Well, now that I’m President, the federal government is getting out of the organization business.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-14--National Archives Report Someone Tried to Scrawl “Total Authority” with Sharpie on U.S. Constitution

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —An unknown person attempted to scrawl the words “ TOTAL AUTHORITY ” on the United States Constitution with a Sharpie , the National Archives reported on Tuesday .
A security guard spotted the attempted vandalism on Tuesday morning , when he noticed “ something weird ” on the glass case protecting the priceless historical document .
“ Someone had written the words in big block letters , ” the security guard said .
“ Plus , both ‘ total ’ and ‘ authority ’ were misspelled.
” “ It looked like the work of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ no school groups here because of the coronavirus and whatnot , ” he added .
“ So it ’ s a real mystery.
” Harland Dorrinson , a spokesperson for the National Archives , said that , even though the Constitution was unharmed , the Archives are launching a “ full investigation ” to determine what “ sick person ” attempted to deface the document .
“ Somewhere in Washington , there ’ s a person on the loose who hates the way the Constitution is actually written , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unknown person attempted to scrawl the words “TOTAL AUTHORITY” on the United States Constitution with a Sharpie, the National Archives reported on Tuesday.
A security guard spotted the attempted vandalism on Tuesday morning, when he noticed “something weird” on the glass case protecting the priceless historical document.
“Someone had written the words in big block letters,” the security guard said. “Plus, both ‘total’ and ‘authority’ were misspelled.”
“It looked like the work of a small child, but there are no school groups here because of the coronavirus and whatnot,” he added. “So it’s a real mystery.”
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesperson for the National Archives, said that, even though the Constitution was unharmed, the Archives are launching a “full investigation” to determine what “sick person” attempted to deface the document.
“Somewhere in Washington, there’s a person on the loose who hates the way the Constitution is actually written,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-13--Study: No One Could Have Seen Pandemic Coming Except People Capable of Reading

MINNEAPOLIS ( The Borowitz Report ) —No one could have seen the coronavirus pandemic coming except for people who are capable of reading , a new study indicates .
The study , published by the University of Minnesota , is highly critical of the current early-warning system for global pandemics , which requires that a person have the literacy necessary to read , comprehend , and digest a memo .
“ In order to see a pandemic coming , one would have to read and also understand the words , sentences , and paragraphs that compose a typical memo , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the study , said .
“ And some of these memos can run two , three , even four pages in length.
” For someone who does not typically read , and instead spends ten or twelve hours a day watching television , “ A memo like that is doomed to fall through the cracks.
” Logsdon believes that the abject failure of the current “ reading-centric ” early-warning system can teach us valuable lessons about how to combat future pandemics .
“ Right now , the lives of millions depend upon @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he said .
“ That ’ s setting the bar awfully high .
”

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—No one could have seen the coronavirus pandemic coming except for people who are capable of reading, a new study indicates.
The study, published by the University of Minnesota, is highly critical of the current early-warning system for global pandemics, which requires that a person have the literacy necessary to read, comprehend, and digest a memo.
“In order to see a pandemic coming, one would have to read and also understand the words, sentences, and paragraphs that compose a typical memo,” Professor Davis Logsdon, the author of the study, said. “And some of these memos can run two, three, even four pages in length.”
For someone who does not typically read, and instead spends ten or twelve hours a day watching television, “A memo like that is doomed to fall through the cracks.”
Logsdon believes that the abject failure of the current “reading-centric” early-warning system can teach us valuable lessons about how to combat future pandemics.
“Right now, the lives of millions depend upon one person not being illiterate,” he said. “That’s setting the bar awfully high.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-13--Nation’s Governors Consider Forming Country

AMERICA ( The Borowitz Report ) —In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus , the nation ’ s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country .
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort , spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan , Gretchen Whitmer , and the Republican governor of Ohio , Mike DeWine .
“ Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators , and I was , like , ‘ Mike , this is crazy , ’ ” Whitmer said .
“ ‘ It would be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ together and formed a country.
’ ” DeWine said that Whitmer ’ s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “ made a lot of sense.
” “ It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think , ‘ Hold on , let ’ s think on that for a second , ’ ” he said .
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage , DeWine said that the states would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ led by a “ President.
” “ We ’ re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now , ” DeWine said .
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own : Governor Andrew Cuomo , of New York .
“ Andrew keeps saying that he doesn ’ t want to be President , ” Whitmer said .
“ And I ’ m , like , ‘ Dude , you already are .
’ @

AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus, the nation’s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country.
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort, spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, and the Republican governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine.
“Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators, and I was, like, ‘Mike, this is crazy,’ ” Whitmer said. “ ‘It would be so much better if we just worked together and formed a country.’ ”
DeWine said that Whitmer’s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “made a lot of sense.”
“It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think, ‘Hold on, let’s think on that for a second,’ ” he said.
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage, DeWine said that the states would ideally create a “federal government” led by a “President.”
“We’re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now,” DeWine said.
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own: Governor Andrew Cuomo, of New York.
“Andrew keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be President,” Whitmer said. “And I’m, like, ‘Dude, you already are.’ ”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-10--Fauci Refuses to Say When It Would Be Safe to Reopen Trump’s Mouth

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) — In a televised interview on Friday , Dr. Anthony Fauci refused to say @ @ @ @ @ to reopen Donald J. Trump ’ s mouth .
Fauci was responding to a question @ @ @ @ @ Tapper , who asked if the esteemed virologist had a timetable for when Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ without endangering public health .
“ The problem , Jake , is that , when @ @ @ @ @ we start making progress , ” Fauci said .
“ Keeping his mouth closed is @ @ @ @ @ that works.
” “ We don ’ t want to make the mistake of getting @ @ @ @ @ , and creating even worse problems than we have now , ” Fauci added .
@ @ @ @ @ epidemiologist , Tapper asked , “ For the sake of argument , could you see @ @ @ @ @ summer ?
In the fall ?
” “ In an ideal world , my answer @ @ @ @ @ , ” Fauci said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— In a televised interview on Friday, Dr. Anthony Fauci refused to say when it would be safe to reopen Donald J. Trump’s mouth.
Fauci was responding to a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, who asked if the esteemed virologist had a timetable for when Trump’s mouth could be reopened without endangering public health.
“The problem, Jake, is that, when his mouth is closed, we start making progress,” Fauci said. “Keeping his mouth closed is the one thing we know that works.”
“We don’t want to make the mistake of getting overconfident, reopening his mouth, and creating even worse problems than we have now,” Fauci added.
Attempting to pin down the epidemiologist, Tapper asked, “For the sake of argument, could you see reopening his mouth in the summer? In the fall?”
“In an ideal world, my answer would be never, Jake,” Fauci said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-09--Fauci Begs Pharma Companies to Speed Development of Anti-Narcissism Drug

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Stating that “ time is of the essence , ” Dr. Anthony Fauci is @ @ @ @ @ pharmaceutical companies to fast-track the development of a drug to treat narcissism .
Acknowledging that @ @ @ @ @ resistant to medication , the esteemed virologist said that a breakthrough drug was “ urgently @ @ @ @ @ seen the toll that narcissism takes , day in , day out , ” Fauci @ @ @ @ @ cost is incalculable.
” Without offering scientific evidence or data , Fauci argued , “ @ @ @ @ @ substantially reduce the misery and suffering of millions.
” The epidemiologist said that , as @ @ @ @ @ drug is developed , he would “ personally mastermind ” its clinical trials .
For @ @ @ @ @ , Fauci said , it would be optimal to manufacture the drug as a pill @ @ @ @ @ could be easily crushed and dissolved in a Diet Coke .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that “time is of the essence,” Dr. Anthony Fauci is imploring the nation’s pharmaceutical companies to fast-track the development of a drug to treat narcissism.
Acknowledging that narcissistic-personality disorder has historically been resistant to medication, the esteemed virologist said that a breakthrough drug was “urgently needed.”
“I have seen the toll that narcissism takes, day in, day out,” Fauci said. “The human cost is incalculable.”
Without offering scientific evidence or data, Fauci argued, “Successfully treating one narcissist could substantially reduce the misery and suffering of millions.”
The epidemiologist said that, as soon as a promising anti-narcissism drug is developed, he would “personally mastermind” its clinical trials.
For the purpose of those trials, Fauci said, it would be optimal to manufacture the drug as a pill or anything else “that could be easily crushed and dissolved in a Diet Coke.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-08--Fauci Urges Trump to Attack the Coronavirus as if It Were an Inspector General

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In what he described as a “ potentially major breakthrough , ” Dr. Anthony Fauci has convinced Donald Trump to attack COVID-19 as if it were an inspector general .
Fauci , who has been frustrated in his efforts to get through to Trump , compared the global pandemic to an inspector general while in a closed-door meeting with the President on Wednesday .
“ What do you hate more than anything , Mr. President ?
” Fauci asked .
“ O.K.
, fine .
But , besides Jim Acosta , ” Fauci said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ general , right ?
” “ Well , think of COVID-19 as the worst inspector general in the world , ” Fauci continued .
“ It ’ s overseeing everything you do and making you follow the law .
It ’ s keeping you from spending taxpayer money on anything you want .
You wouldn ’ t stand for that , would you ?
” Reportedly , Trump appeared shaken by Fauci ’ s analogy .
“ Damn it , Tony , when you put it that way , we ’ ve got @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he said .
Speaking to reporters , Fauci said that he was “ cautiously optimistic ” that his inspector-general analogy would finally spur Trump to action , but added , “ Jared could still screw this up .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what he described as a “potentially major breakthrough,” Dr. Anthony Fauci has convinced Donald Trump to attack COVID-19 as if it were an inspector general.
Fauci, who has been frustrated in his efforts to get through to Trump, compared the global pandemic to an inspector general while in a closed-door meeting with the President on Wednesday.
“What do you hate more than anything, Mr. President?” Fauci asked.
“Jim Acosta,” Trump immediately replied.
“O.K., fine. But, besides Jim Acosta,” Fauci said, “it would be an inspector general, right?”
“You’re right, Tony,” Trump agreed. “I hate those losers.”
“Well, think of COVID-19 as the worst inspector general in the world,” Fauci continued. “It’s overseeing everything you do and making you follow the law. It’s keeping you from spending taxpayer money on anything you want. You wouldn’t stand for that, would you?”
Reportedly, Trump appeared shaken by Fauci’s analogy. “Damn it, Tony, when you put it that way, we’ve got to do something about COVID-19,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that he was “cautiously optimistic” that his inspector-general analogy would finally spur Trump to action, but added, “Jared could still screw this up.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-07--Experts Recommend Disinfecting Television After Trump Has Been On

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —People should get in the habit of thoroughly disinfecting their televisions after Donald J. Trump has been on , a cross-section of experts confirmed on Tuesday .
“ If you have access to disinfectant wipes , thoroughly clean the television , ” Dr. Davis Logsdon , of the University of Minnesota , said .
“ If the television is on your kitchen counter , wipe down the counter and put any dishes and other kitchen items that were exposed to Trump in the dishwasher .
This won ’ t eliminate all traces of Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Dr. Carol Foyler , of U.C.L.A .
advised that “ disinfecting your television is good as far as it goes , but everyone needs to be aware that , if Trump has been on TV , it is possible that Trump has been transmitted to you through the air.
” “ I would take off your clothes , put them in the wash , and take a shower , ” she said .
“ After you get out of the shower , if you have hand sanitizer , slather your naked body @ @ @ @ @ @ @ do after Trump has been on.
” Logsdon agreed with Foyler ’ s recommendations but added , “ I burn my clothes.
” Dr. Harland Dorrinson , of Wake Forest , agreed with the other experts but called disinfecting one ’ s television and burning one ’ s clothes “ half-measures.
” “ Last week , I had the TV on , and suddenly they cut away for a Trump briefing , ” he said .
“ I put on latex gloves and unplugged the television .
I carefully placed the television in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ with duct tape , and put it out on the street .
Everyone should do this right now .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—People should get in the habit of thoroughly disinfecting their televisions after Donald J. Trump has been on, a cross-section of experts confirmed on Tuesday.
“If you have access to disinfectant wipes, thoroughly clean the television,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, said. “If the television is on your kitchen counter, wipe down the counter and put any dishes and other kitchen items that were exposed to Trump in the dishwasher. This won’t eliminate all traces of Trump, but it can’t hurt.”
Dr. Carol Foyler, of U.C.L.A. advised that “disinfecting your television is good as far as it goes, but everyone needs to be aware that, if Trump has been on TV, it is possible that Trump has been transmitted to you through the air.”
“I would take off your clothes, put them in the wash, and take a shower,” she said. “After you get out of the shower, if you have hand sanitizer, slather your naked body with it. This is what I do after Trump has been on.”
Logsdon agreed with Foyler’s recommendations but added, “I burn my clothes.”
Dr. Harland Dorrinson, of Wake Forest, agreed with the other experts but called disinfecting one’s television and burning one’s clothes “half-measures.”
“Last week, I had the TV on, and suddenly they cut away for a Trump briefing,” he said. “I put on latex gloves and unplugged the television. I carefully placed the television in a garbage bag, sealed it securely with duct tape, and put it out on the street. Everyone should do this right now.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-07--Peter Navarro’s Ph.D. Revealed to Be from Trump University

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Peter Navarro , the trade adviser who is playing a key role in the White House ’ s coronavirus response , earned a Ph.D. from Trump University , it emerged on Tuesday .
Although Navarro has bragged about his academic attainments , his doctorate from Trump U. had remained a well-kept secret until Tuesday morning , when Donald J. Trump cited it as “ the reason I hired him.
” According to his newly revealed Trump University transcript , Navarro majored in Trump Studies , which the defunct university ’ s course @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the incredible achievements and philosophy of Donald J. Trump.
” To earn his Ph.D. , Navarro wrote a doctoral dissertation entitled “ Donald J. Trump : Genius or Savior ?
” Extolling Navarro ’ s academic work , Trump said , “ If it comes down to an argument between Tony Fauci and Peter Navarro , I ’ ll go with the Trump University grad , every time.
” For his part , Navarro told reporters that “ fighting a pandemic isn ’ t rocket science , ” but added that he is @ @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Peter Navarro, the trade adviser who is playing a key role in the White House’s coronavirus response, earned a Ph.D. from Trump University, it emerged on Tuesday.
Although Navarro has bragged about his academic attainments, his doctorate from Trump U. had remained a well-kept secret until Tuesday morning, when Donald J. Trump cited it as “the reason I hired him.”
According to his newly revealed Trump University transcript, Navarro majored in Trump Studies, which the defunct university’s course catalogue described as the “study of the incredible achievements and philosophy of Donald J. Trump.”
To earn his Ph.D., Navarro wrote a doctoral dissertation entitled “Donald J. Trump: Genius or Savior?” Extolling Navarro’s academic work, Trump said, “If it comes down to an argument between Tony Fauci and Peter Navarro, I’ll go with the Trump University grad, every time.”
For his part, Navarro told reporters that “fighting a pandemic isn’t rocket science,” but added that he is also an expert in rocket science.


theborowitzreport--2020-01-06--Ayatollah Mystified That He Is the Only Dictator Trump Dislikes

TEHRAN ( The Borowitz Report ) —Iran ’ s Supreme Leader , Ayatollah Ali Khamenei , is “ completely baffled ” as to why he appears to be the only dictator whom Donald J. Trump does not like , the autocrat said on Monday .
Speaking to reporters in Tehran , the long-reigning tyrant expressed puzzlement and dismay that Trump had not given him the adulation that he has showered on seemingly every other totalitarian in the world .
“ Trump loves Vladimir Putin and Mohammed bin Salman , and he ’ s even given Kim Jong Un a cute @ @ @ @ @ @ @ reason , I leave him cold , ” the visibly saddened Ayatollah said .
“ I just don ’ t get it.
” Khamenei initially tried not to take Trump ’ s distaste for him personally , he said , “ but when it became clear that he liked even second-tier strongmen like Recep Tayyip Erdoğan , of Turkey , and Rodrigo Duterte , of the Philippines , I ’ d be lying if I said it didn ’ t hurt.
” One possible reason Trump might dislike him , the Ayatollah theorized @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t realize how repressive I am.
” “ If he did his homework , he ’ d see that I trample press freedoms , shred basic human rights , and persecute political opponents , ” he said .
“ In terms of the things that are important to him , I really check all the boxes .
”

TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, is “completely baffled” as to why he appears to be the only dictator whom Donald J. Trump does not like, the autocrat said on Monday.
Speaking to reporters in Tehran, the long-reigning tyrant expressed puzzlement and dismay that Trump had not given him the adulation that he has showered on seemingly every other totalitarian in the world.
“Trump loves Vladimir Putin and Mohammed bin Salman, and he’s even given Kim Jong Un a cute nickname, but, for some mysterious reason, I leave him cold,” the visibly saddened Ayatollah said. “I just don’t get it.”
Khamenei initially tried not to take Trump’s distaste for him personally, he said, “but when it became clear that he liked even second-tier strongmen like Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, of Turkey, and Rodrigo Duterte, of the Philippines, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.”
One possible reason Trump might dislike him, the Ayatollah theorized, is that “he just doesn’t realize how repressive I am.”
“If he did his homework, he’d see that I trample press freedoms, shred basic human rights, and persecute political opponents,” he said. “In terms of the things that are important to him, I really check all the boxes.”


theborowitzreport--2020-01-08--Trump Furious at Iran for Distracting People from Impeachment for Only Two Days

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump is “ incredibly angry ” at Iran for taking the American people ’ s attention away from his impeachment for only about two days , Trump told reporters on Wednesday .
“ When I did that drone strike , I was under the impression that it would knock impeachment out of the news for at least a month , ” a visibly enraged Trump said .
“ Instead , it ’ s Wednesday and we ’ re back to this Pelosi garbage.
” Trump said that he had hoped that Iranians @ @ @ @ @ @ @ way that might have forced Democrats to forget about impeaching him altogether , but “ all I got for my trouble was a chickenshit couple of days.
” “ Honestly , Iran reacted like it was Belgium or something , ” Trump said .
Trump said that he was unlikely to attack Iran again “ if this is the thanks I get , ” and wondered if attacking a different country might have resulted in a more substantial distraction from his impeachment .
“ Should I have attacked North Korea ?
” he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t know who to trust anymore .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is “incredibly angry” at Iran for taking the American people’s attention away from his impeachment for only about two days, Trump told reporters on Wednesday.
“When I did that drone strike, I was under the impression that it would knock impeachment out of the news for at least a month,” a visibly enraged Trump said. “Instead, it’s Wednesday and we’re back to this Pelosi garbage.”
Trump said that he had hoped that Iranians would react to his provocation in a way that might have forced Democrats to forget about impeaching him altogether, but “all I got for my trouble was a chickenshit couple of days.”
“Honestly, Iran reacted like it was Belgium or something,” Trump said.
Trump said that he was unlikely to attack Iran again “if this is the thanks I get,” and wondered if attacking a different country might have resulted in a more substantial distraction from his impeachment.
“Should I have attacked North Korea?” he said. “Frankly, I don’t know who to trust anymore.”


theborowitzreport--2020-01-14--Democrats Demand That Giuliani Be Trump’s Lawyer at Impeachment Trial

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Rudolph Giuliani ’ s offer to act as Donald J. Trump ’ s defense attorney at the President ’ s impeachment trial has received unanimous support from congressional Democrats , who are now demanding that he perform such a role .
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer told reporters on Tuesday that Giuliani ’ s participation as Trump ’ s lawyer during his Senate trial was , as far as they were concerned , “ nonnegotiable.
” “ Rudy Giuliani has demonstrated over the past three years that he can @ @ @ @ @ @ @ can , ” Pelosi said .
“ If he is not the President ’ s lawyer in the Senate , that would be a deal-breaker for me.
” Concurring with Pelosi , Schumer added , “ My Democratic colleagues in the Senate are prepared to pay Mr. Giuliani ’ s hourly fees , in cash , to make this thing happen.
” Pelosi indicated that Democrats were now willing to back off their earlier demands for witnesses at the trial .
“ No witnesses , ” she said .
“ Just Giuliani.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he was “ a little surprised ” by the Democrats ’ enthusiastic support , adding , “ Nancy Pelosi even offered to drive me to work every morning , which I thought was really nice.
” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell did not answer reporters ’ questions about a possible role for Giuliani in the impeachment trial , nor would he confirm reports that he had given the Senate ’ s security desk a photo of Giuliani with instructions to bar his entry .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rudolph Giuliani’s offer to act as Donald J. Trump’s defense attorney at the President’s impeachment trial has received unanimous support from congressional Democrats, who are now demanding that he perform such a role.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer told reporters on Tuesday that Giuliani’s participation as Trump’s lawyer during his Senate trial was, as far as they were concerned, “nonnegotiable.”
“Rudy Giuliani has demonstrated over the past three years that he can represent the President as no one else can,” Pelosi said. “If he is not the President’s lawyer in the Senate, that would be a deal-breaker for me.”
Concurring with Pelosi, Schumer added, “My Democratic colleagues in the Senate are prepared to pay Mr. Giuliani’s hourly fees, in cash, to make this thing happen.”
Pelosi indicated that Democrats were now willing to back off their earlier demands for witnesses at the trial. “No witnesses,” she said. “Just Giuliani.”
Appearing on Fox News, Giuliani said that he was “a little surprised” by the Democrats’ enthusiastic support, adding, “Nancy Pelosi even offered to drive me to work every morning, which I thought was really nice.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell did not answer reporters’ questions about a possible role for Giuliani in the impeachment trial, nor would he confirm reports that he had given the Senate’s security desk a photo of Giuliani with instructions to bar his entry.


theborowitzreport--2020-01-13--Poll: Americans Say They Will Vote for Bloomberg If That Makes Him Stop Airing Ads

NEW YORK ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a positive sign for the former New York mayor , a new poll indicates that an increasing number of Americans would vote for Michael Bloomberg if that would make him stop airing campaign ads .
The poll found that sixteen per cent of those surveyed were “ somewhat likely ” to vote for Bloomberg if that would convince him to stop airing ads , twenty-one per cent were “ very likely ” to do so for that reason , and a whopping thirty-three per cent “ strongly agreed ” with the statement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ whatever he wants—please , just make them stop right now.
” By contrast , only eight per cent said that they would vote for Bloomberg ’ s fellow-billionaire Tom Steyer if that would make Steyer stop airing his ads .
At Bloomberg campaign headquarters , in New York , the campaign ’ s chief strategist , Harland Dorrinson , said that the poll numbers made it clear that “ Mike ’ s ads are having exactly their desired effect.
” “ If this many people are willing to vote for Mike to make @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s spent only two hundred million , imagine how many will vote to stop him after he spends another eight hundred million , ” Dorrinson crowed .
In a new Bloomberg ad airing this week , the candidate addresses the viewer directly , stating , “ Hi , I ’ m Mike Bloomberg .
Do you want to see more of these ads ?
The choice is yours , ” before the screen abruptly goes black .

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a positive sign for the former New York mayor, a new poll indicates that an increasing number of Americans would vote for Michael Bloomberg if that would make him stop airing campaign ads.
The poll found that sixteen per cent of those surveyed were “somewhat likely” to vote for Bloomberg if that would convince him to stop airing ads, twenty-one per cent were “very likely” to do so for that reason, and a whopping thirty-three per cent “strongly agreed” with the statement “Seriously, I’ll do whatever he wants—please, just make them stop right now.”
By contrast, only eight per cent said that they would vote for Bloomberg’s fellow-billionaire Tom Steyer if that would make Steyer stop airing his ads.
At Bloomberg campaign headquarters, in New York, the campaign’s chief strategist, Harland Dorrinson, said that the poll numbers made it clear that “Mike’s ads are having exactly their desired effect.”
“If this many people are willing to vote for Mike to make him stop airing ads after he’s spent only two hundred million, imagine how many will vote to stop him after he spends another eight hundred million,” Dorrinson crowed.
In a new Bloomberg ad airing this week, the candidate addresses the viewer directly, stating, “Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg. Do you want to see more of these ads? The choice is yours,” before the screen abruptly goes black.


theborowitzreport--2020-01-16--Trump Stays Up All Night with Sharpie Crossing Out Lev Parnas in Photos with Him

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday , using a Sharpie to cross @ @ @ @ @ taken with him at hundreds of events .
Trump , his hands blackened by ink @ @ @ @ @ through a mountainous stack of photos of him and Parnas at approximately 10 P.M. , @ @ @ @ @ .
After more than an hour of obliterating Parnas , Trump reportedly barked at his @ @ @ @ @ to fetch Vice-President Mike Pence and Attorney General William Barr to assist with the Parnas @ @ @ @ @ and Barr in here !
” Trump reportedly thundered .
“ If I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ re going down !
” According to the White House source , Pence and Barr @ @ @ @ @ not joined by Representative Devin Nunes , who had barricaded himself inside his congressional office @ @ @ @ @ phone logs .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday, using a Sharpie to cross out Lev Parnas from photos taken with him at hundreds of events.
Trump, his hands blackened by ink, started working his way through a mountainous stack of photos of him and Parnas at approximately 10 P.M., a White House source confirmed.
After more than an hour of obliterating Parnas, Trump reportedly barked at his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to fetch Vice-President Mike Pence and Attorney General William Barr to assist with the Parnas deletions.
“Get Pence and Barr in here!” Trump reportedly thundered. “If I’m going down, they’re going down!”
According to the White House source, Pence and Barr appeared within minutes but were not joined by Representative Devin Nunes, who had barricaded himself inside his congressional office with a Sharpie and his phone logs.


theborowitzreport--2020-01-21--Susan Collins Takes Hours to Decide on Lunch Before Ordering Exactly What Mitch McConnell Is Having

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —On the first day of the impeachment trial in the United States Senate , Senator Susan Collins , a Republican of Maine , spent hours trying to decide what she would have for lunch before ultimately ordering exactly what Senator Mitch McConnell was having .
Clutching the Senate takeout menu in her hands , Collins told reporters mid-morning that the decision of what to have for lunch was a matter of serious consideration and that she wanted to review all of the available options before selecting one .
“ I ’ m deeply troubled @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” Collins said .
“ There are many valid choices on this menu and I don ’ t want to give any of them short shrift.
” Around 11 A.M. , rumors swirled that Collins was leaning toward ordering a quinoa salad , a choice that would have set her apart from the rest of her Republican colleagues in the upper chamber .
By noon , however , Collins emerged from her office to tell reporters that she had ordered the exact same thing that the Senate Majority Leader had chosen , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ At the end of the day , there was just not enough evidence that ordering anything else would have been better , ” she said .
According to sources , Collins spent the lunch hour eating her sandwich alone at her desk and trying to determine why everyone hates her .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On the first day of the impeachment trial in the United States Senate, Senator Susan Collins, a Republican of Maine, spent hours trying to decide what she would have for lunch before ultimately ordering exactly what Senator Mitch McConnell was having.
Clutching the Senate takeout menu in her hands, Collins told reporters mid-morning that the decision of what to have for lunch was a matter of serious consideration and that she wanted to review all of the available options before selecting one.
“I’m deeply troubled and concerned about getting this order right,” Collins said. “There are many valid choices on this menu and I don’t want to give any of them short shrift.”
Around 11 A.M., rumors swirled that Collins was leaning toward ordering a quinoa salad, a choice that would have set her apart from the rest of her Republican colleagues in the upper chamber.
By noon, however, Collins emerged from her office to tell reporters that she had ordered the exact same thing that the Senate Majority Leader had chosen, a roast beef sandwich on a roll.
“At the end of the day, there was just not enough evidence that ordering anything else would have been better,” she said.
According to sources, Collins spent the lunch hour eating her sandwich alone at her desk and trying to determine why everyone hates her.


theborowitzreport--2020-01-24--Trump Defense Team Scrambling to Find Example of Law Trump Did Not Break

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Desperately trying to change the narrative after a week of damaging presentations , Donald J. Trump ’ s defense team is scrambling to find an example of one law that Trump did not break , sources confirmed on Friday .
In concert with two of Jeffrey Epstein ’ s most prominent defenders , Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr , Trump ’ s personal attorney Jay Sekulow has been scouring federal , state , and municipal law books in the hopes of finding one statute that Trump , for whatever reason , did not violate @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” a source close to the defense team said .
If the attorneys do manage to find a law that Trump did not break , that information will be “ locked down ” in a secure server to which Trump himself will not have access .
“ They ’ re trying to prevent the worst-case scenario , where Trump discovers there ’ s a law he hasn ’ t broken yet and immediately goes and breaks it , ” the source said .
As the pressure on the defense team mounts , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ got involved with Trump ’ s case .
“ O.J .
was easier than this , ” he was overheard muttering .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Desperately trying to change the narrative after a week of damaging presentations, Donald J. Trump’s defense team is scrambling to find an example of one law that Trump did not break, sources confirmed on Friday.
In concert with two of Jeffrey Epstein’s most prominent defenders, Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr, Trump’s personal attorney Jay Sekulow has been scouring federal, state, and municipal law books in the hopes of finding one statute that Trump, for whatever reason, did not violate.
“So far, no luck,” a source close to the defense team said.
If the attorneys do manage to find a law that Trump did not break, that information will be “locked down” in a secure server to which Trump himself will not have access.
“They’re trying to prevent the worst-case scenario, where Trump discovers there’s a law he hasn’t broken yet and immediately goes and breaks it,” the source said.
As the pressure on the defense team mounts, Dershowitz has privately expressed regret that he got involved with Trump’s case.
“O.J. was easier than this,” he was overheard muttering.


theborowitzreport--2020-01-27--Trump Says He Has No Intention of Having Bolton’s Book Read Aloud to Him

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump has “ no intention whatsoever ” of having John Bolton ’ s book read aloud to him , Trump confirmed on Monday .
Speaking to reporters at the White House , Trump said that his daughter , Ivanka Trump , had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “ like she does with all of the other books , ” Trump said .
“ She reads the books to me slowly and stops when there ’ s a long word to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump said .
“ But I told her that the Bolton book was the last book in the world that I wanted to hear.
” Trump acknowledged that Ivanka had previously read aloud to him other books that he had not enjoyed , such as “ A Warning , ” by Anonymous .
“ That Anonymous guy has to be the worst writer , ” he said .
“ After Ivanka read ten pages of that crap to me , I told her to throw the book across the room , and she @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ many books ” a week , and that sometimes his son-in-law , Jared Kushner , takes turns with Ivanka reading them aloud to him .
“ I ’ ve enjoyed hearing Sean Hannity ’ s books and Laura Ingraham ’ s books , ” Trump said .
“ But John Bolton ’ s ?
Please .
That ’ s the last book I want to hear when Ivanka and Jared tuck me in at night .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has “no intention whatsoever” of having John Bolton’s book read aloud to him, Trump confirmed on Monday.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that his daughter, Ivanka Trump, had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “like she does with all of the other books,” Trump said.
“She reads the books to me slowly and stops when there’s a long word to tell me what it means,” Trump said. “But I told her that the Bolton book was the last book in the world that I wanted to hear.”
Trump acknowledged that Ivanka had previously read aloud to him other books that he had not enjoyed, such as “A Warning,” by Anonymous.
“That Anonymous guy has to be the worst writer,” he said. “After Ivanka read ten pages of that crap to me, I told her to throw the book across the room, and she did.”
Trump said that he hears “many books” a week, and that sometimes his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, takes turns with Ivanka reading them aloud to him.
“I’ve enjoyed hearing Sean Hannity’s books and Laura Ingraham’s books,” Trump said. “But John Bolton’s? Please. That’s the last book I want to hear when Ivanka and Jared tuck me in at night.”


theborowitzreport--2020-01-30--El Chapo Outraged That His Trial Included Witnesses

FLORENCE , COLORADO ( The Borowitz Report ) —The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “ outraged ” his 2019 trial had included witnesses .
He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them .
Speaking from ADX Florence , a maximum-security facility in Colorado , the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses .
“ If I had to point to one reason why I was convicted of all of those crimes @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , ” he said .
“ Once the decision was made to include witnesses , things really went downhill for me.
” El Chapo said that , at the time of his trial , he had been totally unaware that it was possible to have a trial without any witnesses at all .
“ I didn ’ t know that was a thing , ” he said .
“ If someone had told me that you could have a witness-free trial , that ’ s the route I would have gone , for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he was now actively seeking a new trial without witnesses because , in his opinion , “ witnesses ruin everything.
” “ For the good of the country , it ’ s time to move on , ” he said .

FLORENCE, Colorado (The Borowitz Report)—The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.
Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses.
“If I had to point to one reason why I was convicted of all of those crimes, it would have to be witnesses,” he said. “Once the decision was made to include witnesses, things really went downhill for me.”
El Chapo said that, at the time of his trial, he had been totally unaware that it was possible to have a trial without any witnesses at all.
“I didn’t know that was a thing,” he said. “If someone had told me that you could have a witness-free trial, that’s the route I would have gone, for sure.”
The former criminal mastermind said that he was now actively seeking a new trial without witnesses because, in his opinion, “witnesses ruin everything.”
“For the good of the country, it’s time to move on,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-02-05--Trump Accuses Buttigieg of Suspicious Travel to Afghanistan

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In the aftermath of Pete Buttigieg ’ s strong showing in the Iowa caucuses , Donald J. Trump accused the former South Bend , Indiana , mayor of engaging in “ suspicious travel ” to Afghanistan .
“ People are saying that he went to Afghanistan for seven months in 2014 , ” Trump told the hosts of “ Fox & Friends ” in a phone call .
“ Seven months is a long time to be running around in a Muslim country full of terrorists , don ’ t you think ?
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ gun with him while he was in Afghanistan , a fact that Trump said “ sounds fishy to me.
” “ Let ’ s see , you fly all the way to a Muslim country full of all of these terrorists who need guns , and you ’ re bringing a gun into a country like that ?
” Trump said .
“ Who was he planning to give that gun to ?
” “ I don ’ t know if he was part of some caliphate or just helping them out , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” he said .
“ I have a call in to the President of Afghanistan.
” Trump said that his suspicions about Buttigieg ’ s “ totally unexplained travel to Afghanistan ” spiked when he saw a photo of the former mayor “ dressed up in some kind of weird camouflage suit.
” “ You have to see this picture—he ’ s all dressed up in camo or whatever , like he ’ s ready for some kind of battle , ” Trump said .
“ You ’ ll never find a picture @ @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of Pete Buttigieg’s strong showing in the Iowa caucuses, Donald J. Trump accused the former South Bend, Indiana, mayor of engaging in “suspicious travel” to Afghanistan.
“People are saying that he went to Afghanistan for seven months in 2014,” Trump told the hosts of “Fox & Friends” in a phone call. “Seven months is a long time to be running around in a Muslim country full of terrorists, don’t you think?”
He added that Buttigieg reportedly had a gun with him while he was in Afghanistan, a fact that Trump said “sounds fishy to me.”
“Let’s see, you fly all the way to a Muslim country full of all of these terrorists who need guns, and you’re bringing a gun into a country like that?” Trump said. “Who was he planning to give that gun to?”
“I don’t know if he was part of some caliphate or just helping them out, but we ought to find out,” he said. “I have a call in to the President of Afghanistan.”
Trump said that his suspicions about Buttigieg’s “totally unexplained travel to Afghanistan” spiked when he saw a photo of the former mayor “dressed up in some kind of weird camouflage suit.”
“You have to see this picture—he’s all dressed up in camo or whatever, like he’s ready for some kind of battle,” Trump said. “You’ll never find a picture of me dressed like that.”


theborowitzreport--2020-02-10--Person Who Is Always Troubled or Concerned Should Get Different Job, Workplace Experts Say

MINNEAPOLIS ( The Borowitz Report ) —An employee who regularly self-identifies as “ troubled ” or “ concerned ” would benefit from seeking a different job , leading workplace experts said on Monday .
Professor Davis Logsdon , the director of the University of Minnesota ’ s Workplace Health Institute , cited the case of a Maine woman who appeared to undergo a traumatic experience every time she was faced with a difficult decision at work .
“ According to her own account , each decision followed an excruciating period of existential torment , ” Logsdon said .
“ Any @ @ @ @ @ @ @ clearly consider working somewhere else.
” Logsdon said that the woman ’ s frequent episodes of being troubled and/or concerned usually resulted in an unsatisfactory outcome .
“ At the end of her nightmarish deliberation process , she lost the capacity for individual judgment , ” he said .
“ She just went along with what everyone else in the office decided to do , regardless of the harm that such a decision might cause.
” Consequently , the researchers at the Workplace Health Institute concluded that any person who approaches his or @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and anxiety regularly exhibited by the Maine woman should find a new job that requires no decision-making whatsoever .
“ In her current position , she is useless , ” Logsdon said .

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—An employee who regularly self-identifies as “troubled” or “concerned” would benefit from seeking a different job, leading workplace experts said on Monday.
Professor Davis Logsdon, the director of the University of Minnesota’s Workplace Health Institute, cited the case of a Maine woman who appeared to undergo a traumatic experience every time she was faced with a difficult decision at work.
“According to her own account, each decision followed an excruciating period of existential torment,” Logsdon said. “Any employee who finds decision-making this harrowing should clearly consider working somewhere else.”
Logsdon said that the woman’s frequent episodes of being troubled and/or concerned usually resulted in an unsatisfactory outcome.
“At the end of her nightmarish deliberation process, she lost the capacity for individual judgment,” he said. “She just went along with what everyone else in the office decided to do, regardless of the harm that such a decision might cause.”
Consequently, the researchers at the Workplace Health Institute concluded that any person who approaches his or her job with the levels of self-doubt and anxiety regularly exhibited by the Maine woman should find a new job that requires no decision-making whatsoever.
“In her current position, she is useless,” Logsdon said.


theborowitzreport--2020-02-12--Judge Sentences Roger Stone to House Arrest in Susan Collins’s Home

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a decision that Donald Trump called “ incredibly unfair , ” Judge Amy @ @ @ @ @ Stone to ten years of house arrest in the home of Senator Susan Collins , @ @ @ @ @ of the sentence , Senator Collins will be required to live under the same roof @ @ @ @ @ , and insure that he is properly fed , clothed , and exercised until 2030 @ @ @ @ @ howls of protest from Stone , who claimed that living with the ceaselessly waffling Collins @ @ @ @ @ the edge.
” “ Judge , can we revisit the whole prison idea ?
” @ @ @ @ @ her part , Collins said that she was unsure whether becoming Stone ’ s jailer @ @ @ @ @ adding that she would “ need more time to think about it.
” Jackson said @ @ @ @ @ arrest will not go into effect until after the 2020 election , at which point @ @ @ @ @ home on a permanent basis .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a decision that Donald Trump called “incredibly unfair,” Judge Amy Berman Jackson has sentenced Roger Stone to ten years of house arrest in the home of Senator Susan Collins, of Maine.
As part of the sentence, Senator Collins will be required to live under the same roof as Stone, in Bangor, and insure that he is properly fed, clothed, and exercised until 2030.
The sentence immediately drew howls of protest from Stone, who claimed that living with the ceaselessly waffling Collins would “send me over the edge.”
“Judge, can we revisit the whole prison idea?” Stone begged Jackson.
For her part, Collins said that she was unsure whether becoming Stone’s jailer was a good idea, adding that she would “need more time to think about it.”
Jackson said that Stone’s house arrest will not go into effect until after the 2020 election, at which point Collins is expected to be home on a permanent basis.


theborowitzreport--2020-02-13--Bill Barr Rushed to Walter Reed Medical Center After Remote-Control Implant in Brain Fails

BETHESDA , Maryland ( The Borowitz Report ) —Attorney General William Barr was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical @ @ @ @ @ the remote-control implant in his brain briefly failed , the White House has confirmed .
@ @ @ @ @ signs of the implant ’ s malfunction during an interview Barr gave to ABC News @ @ @ @ @ General was immediately strapped to a gurney and transported to Walter Reed .
A team @ @ @ @ @ identify the problem with Barr ’ s implant after an examination revealed a “ low-power @ @ @ @ @ Reed spokesperson said .
After the surgeons replaced the tiny battery in Barr ’ s @ @ @ @ @ appeared to be recovering well and was able to speak to reporters at his bedside @ @ @ @ @ our greatest President , ” he said , staring into the middle distance .

BETHESDA, Maryland (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Thursday afternoon after the remote-control implant in his brain briefly failed, the White House has confirmed.
White House aides first noticed signs of the implant’s malfunction during an interview Barr gave to ABC News, after which the Attorney General was immediately strapped to a gurney and transported to Walter Reed.
A team of surgeons was able to identify the problem with Barr’s implant after an examination revealed a “low-power issue,” a Walter Reed spokesperson said.
After the surgeons replaced the tiny battery in Barr’s implant, the Attorney General appeared to be recovering well and was able to speak to reporters at his bedside.
“Donald Trump is our greatest President,” he said, staring into the middle distance.


theborowitzreport--2020-02-18--Bloomberg Enrages Trump by Buying Greenland

NEW YORK ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an apparently successful attempt to get under the skin of Donald Trump @ @ @ @ @ mayor Michael Bloomberg has purchased Greenland from Denmark .
In an official statement released on @ @ @ @ @ of Denmark , Mette Frederiksen , would not disclose the price that Bloomberg paid for @ @ @ @ @ was an “ all-cash offer.
” News of Bloomberg ’ s purchase of Greenland reportedly @ @ @ @ @ ordered his son-in-law , Jared Kushner , to make an offer to buy the Faroe @ @ @ @ @ minutes , however , Denmark rebuffed Kushner ’ s bid .
“ We do not @ @ @ @ @ of running the Faroe Islands , ” Frederiksen said .
As for Bloomberg , his @ @ @ @ @ about the historic purchase of the 836,330-square-mile landmass , saying only , “ Mike gets @ @ @ @

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In an apparently successful attempt to get under the skin of Donald Trump, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg has purchased Greenland from Denmark.
In an official statement released on Tuesday, the Prime Minister of Denmark, Mette Frederiksen, would not disclose the price that Bloomberg paid for Greenland but indicated that it was an “all-cash offer.”
“Mr. Bloomberg has a lot of money,” Frederiksen added.
News of Bloomberg’s purchase of Greenland reportedly infuriated Trump, who immediately ordered his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to make an offer to buy the Faroe Islands from Denmark.
Within minutes, however, Denmark rebuffed Kushner’s bid. “We do not believe Donald Trump is capable of running the Faroe Islands,” Frederiksen said.
As for Bloomberg, his campaign released a brief statement about the historic purchase of the 836,330-square-mile landmass, saying only, “Mike gets it done.”


theborowitzreport--2020-02-20--Bloomberg to Spend Ten Billion Dollars to Buy Entirely Different Personality

LAS VEGAS ( The Borowitz Report ) —Shortly after the Democratic Presidential debate on Wednesday night , aides to Michael Bloomberg announced that he would spend ten billion dollars to buy an entirely new personality .
Acknowledging that some attributes of the former New York mayor ’ s new personality have yet to be ironed out , campaign advisers indicated that the eleven-figure outlay would be used to purchase warmth , empathy , and humanity .
Additionally , billions of Bloomberg ’ s war chest will be used to remove several unappetizing qualities from his current personality , including arrogance @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to hide his contempt for others .
If all goes as planned , a thoroughly revamped and unrecognizable version of Bloomberg , called New Mike ( TM ) , will be up and running in time for Super Tuesday .
But even as they announced the impending launch of Bloomberg ’ s new incarnation , campaign officials were careful to tamp down expectations .
“ In a perfect world , spending ten billion dollars on a new personality would make Mike an appealing person , but we ’ ll be happy with ‘ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ aide said .

LAS VEGAS (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after the Democratic Presidential debate on Wednesday night, aides to Michael Bloomberg announced that he would spend ten billion dollars to buy an entirely new personality.
Acknowledging that some attributes of the former New York mayor’s new personality have yet to be ironed out, campaign advisers indicated that the eleven-figure outlay would be used to purchase warmth, empathy, and humanity.
Additionally, billions of Bloomberg’s war chest will be used to remove several unappetizing qualities from his current personality, including arrogance, touchiness, and a glaring inability to hide his contempt for others.
If all goes as planned, a thoroughly revamped and unrecognizable version of Bloomberg, called New Mike (TM), will be up and running in time for Super Tuesday.
But even as they announced the impending launch of Bloomberg’s new incarnation, campaign officials were careful to tamp down expectations. “In a perfect world, spending ten billion dollars on a new personality would make Mike an appealing person, but we’ll be happy with ‘not an asshole,’ ” one aide said.


theborowitzreport--2020-02-19--Mexico Tightens Border After Trump Pardons White-Collar Criminals

MEXICO CITY ( The Borowitz Report ) —The government of Mexico announced that it was tightening its border with the United States “ effective immediately ” after Donald Trump pardoned a host of white-collar criminals on Tuesday .
Speaking to reporters , the President of Mexico , Andrés Manuel López Obrador , said that Mexican border agents were on alert to prevent any recipients of Trump ’ s pardons from crossing into their country .
“ They ’ re bringing bribery , they ’ re bringing tax evasion , they ’ re bringing racketeering , ” Obrador said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of them were good people , but that does not appear to be the case.
” Obrador said that border agents had been given “ special instructions ” to block the entry of Rod Blagojevich , the former governor of Illinois , whom he called “ El Blago.
” “ If El Blago enters our country , he will head straight to Mexico City and start trying to sell Senate seats , ” Obrador said .
“ He is a dangerous man.
” Concluding his remarks , Obrador said that he had contacted @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the criminals to Mexico .
“ I told him to find places for them in his Cabinet , ” he said .

MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Mexico announced that it was tightening its border with the United States “effective immediately” after Donald Trump pardoned a host of white-collar criminals on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters, the President of Mexico, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, said that Mexican border agents were on alert to prevent any recipients of Trump’s pardons from crossing into their country.
“They’re bringing bribery, they’re bringing tax evasion, they’re bringing racketeering,” Obrador said. “I wish I could say that some of them were good people, but that does not appear to be the case.”
Obrador said that border agents had been given “special instructions” to block the entry of Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois, whom he called “El Blago.”
“If El Blago enters our country, he will head straight to Mexico City and start trying to sell Senate seats,” Obrador said. “He is a dangerous man.”
Concluding his remarks, Obrador said that he had contacted Trump directly to warn him against sending the criminals to Mexico. “I told him to find places for them in his Cabinet,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-02-26--Trump Plans to Destroy Coronavirus with an Incredibly Mean Tweet

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump said on Wednesday that he was planning to destroy the coronavirus by sending an “ incredibly mean tweet ” in its direction .
Speaking to reporters at the White House , Trump said that he was already in the process of crafting insults about the virus that would obliterate it once and for all .
In a preview of the mean tweet he is devising , Trump said , “ The thing about the virus is it ’ s incredibly small .
It ’ s smaller than Mike Bloomberg .
Once I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ t know what hit it.
” He added that he was also in the process of coming up with an insulting nickname for the virus .
“ It ’ s going to be something about how small it is , ” Trump said .
“ Something like Lil ’ Micro Mini Virus .
I ’ m still working on it , but it ’ s going to be so mean .
You won ’ t believe how mean it ’ s going to be.
” Trump was dismissive of the scientists who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in recent days .
“ These so-called experts are the same people who said I needed sunglasses to stare at the eclipse , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump said on Wednesday that he was planning to destroy the coronavirus by sending an “incredibly mean tweet” in its direction.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that he was already in the process of crafting insults about the virus that would obliterate it once and for all.
In a preview of the mean tweet he is devising, Trump said, “The thing about the virus is it’s incredibly small. It’s smaller than Mike Bloomberg. Once I point that out, the coronavirus won’t know what hit it.”
He added that he was also in the process of coming up with an insulting nickname for the virus.
“It’s going to be something about how small it is,” Trump said. “Something like Lil’ Micro Mini Virus. I’m still working on it, but it’s going to be so mean. You won’t believe how mean it’s going to be.”
Trump was dismissive of the scientists who have raised dire concerns about the virus in recent days. “These so-called experts are the same people who said I needed sunglasses to stare at the eclipse,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-02-25--Ruth Bader Ginsburg Says Trump Should Recuse Himself from All Decisions Involving the Future of the

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Says Trump Should Recuse Himself from All Decisions Involving the Future of the Country

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Asserting that his personal interests put him in direct conflict with the interests of the United States of America , Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has demanded that Donald Trump recuse himself from all decisions involving the future of the U.S .
Speaking from her office at the Supreme Court , Ginsburg said that Trump ’ s oft-stated allegiance to himself makes it impossible for him to render unbiased decisions on issues affecting people other than himself .
“ Since the United States is populated by three hundred and thirty-one million people who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ their fates would , by definition , ensnare Trump in an insoluble conflict of interest , ” she said .
Ginsburg enumerated a list of issues about which Trump should immediately recuse himself , including immigration , trade , taxes , the social safety net , women ’ s reproductive rights , health care , the economy , the military , the environment , “ and any other issues related to domestic or foreign policy not listed above.
” Ginsburg stressed , however , that , even after recusing himself from those matters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weigh in on other important decisions , like “ what to eat and which channel to watch .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his personal interests put him in direct conflict with the interests of the United States of America, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has demanded that Donald Trump recuse himself from all decisions involving the future of the U.S.
Speaking from her office at the Supreme Court, Ginsburg said that Trump’s oft-stated allegiance to himself makes it impossible for him to render unbiased decisions on issues affecting people other than himself.
“Since the United States is populated by three hundred and thirty-one million people who are not him, any decision regarding their fates would, by definition, ensnare Trump in an insoluble conflict of interest,” she said.
Ginsburg enumerated a list of issues about which Trump should immediately recuse himself, including immigration, trade, taxes, the social safety net, women’s reproductive rights, health care, the economy, the military, the environment, “and any other issues related to domestic or foreign policy not listed above.”
Ginsburg stressed, however, that, even after recusing himself from those matters, Trump would still be allowed to weigh in on other important decisions, like “what to eat and which channel to watch.”


theborowitzreport--2020-02-28--C.D.C. Director Says Coronavirus Effort Could Be Helped by Quarantining Pence

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that @ @ @ @ @ coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence .
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill @ @ @ @ @ said that , given Pence ’ s record as a science denier who mishandled an @ @ @ @ @ the governor of Indiana , an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “ an essential @ @ @ @ @ Pence should be sealed off in a secure area , where he will have no @ @ @ @ @ computer , ” the director said .
“ That will go a long way toward @ @ @ @ @ otherwise cause.
” The C.D.C .
chief added that there were a number of places @ @ @ @ @ all of them in Antarctica .
Shortly after the C.D.C .
director ’ s testimony @ @ @ @ @ with the assessment .
“ The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly @ @ @ @ @ not know how to use a computer , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an AIDS outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated, and I do not know how to use a computer,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-02--Tulsi Gabbard’s Nine Supporters Urge Her to Drop Out of Race

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Representative Tulsi Gabbard ( D-Hawaii ) is under intense pressure to drop out of the 2020 race for the Democratic Presidential nomination , her nine supporters announced on Monday .
The announcement from Gabbard ’ s nine followers surprised many Democrats , who had been unaware that the Hawaii congresswoman was still running .
In a conference call after the South Carolina primary , the nine members of Team Tulsi concluded that Gabbard ’ s path to the nomination had grown “ dauntingly narrow.
” “ We believe that Tulsi would be an amazing @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Harland Dorrinson , a spokesman for the other eight Gabbard supporters , said .
“ But we have regretfully come to the conclusion that this is not her time.
” Dorrinson had nothing but praise for the way Gabbard had conducted her campaign , noting , “ By not appearing in the past two debates , she did much better than Mike Bloomberg.
” Reached at her office in Washington , a defiant Gabbard said that she was “ in it to win it ” and that she still had the strong support @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) is under intense pressure to drop out of the 2020 race for the Democratic Presidential nomination, her nine supporters announced on Monday.
The announcement from Gabbard’s nine followers surprised many Democrats, who had been unaware that the Hawaii congresswoman was still running.
In a conference call after the South Carolina primary, the nine members of Team Tulsi concluded that Gabbard’s path to the nomination had grown “dauntingly narrow.”
“We believe that Tulsi would be an amazing President of the United States,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the other eight Gabbard supporters, said. “But we have regretfully come to the conclusion that this is not her time.”
Dorrinson had nothing but praise for the way Gabbard had conducted her campaign, noting, “By not appearing in the past two debates, she did much better than Mike Bloomberg.”
Reached at her office in Washington, a defiant Gabbard said that she was “in it to win it” and that she still had the strong support of her imaginary friends.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-04--Trump Screams at Pence for Not Praying Hard Enough to Make Biden Lose

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —A harrowing scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday night as Donald Trump screamed at Mike Pence for “ not praying hard enough ” to make Joe Biden lose the Super Tuesday primary contests , sources said .
Witnesses to the vituperative dressing-down of the Vice-President reported that the evening started badly after Trump saw the returns from Virginia , which Biden won handily .
“ Mike , you were supposed to tell God to make Sleepy Joe lose , ” Trump snapped .
“ A lot of good your ‘ praying ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Pence grew in ferocity after Biden romped to victory in state after state , a string of victories that Trump blamed squarely on Pence ’ s inadequate praying efforts .
“ They ’ re still voting in California , ” Trump barked at Pence around midnight .
“ Get down on your knees and get to work , you loser.
” According to White House sources , Trump ’ s insistence that Pence pray for Biden ’ s failure has pushed the Vice-President “ to the breaking point.
” “ He ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the stock market to go up , ” one source said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A harrowing scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday night as Donald Trump screamed at Mike Pence for “not praying hard enough” to make Joe Biden lose the Super Tuesday primary contests, sources said.
Witnesses to the vituperative dressing-down of the Vice-President reported that the evening started badly after Trump saw the returns from Virginia, which Biden won handily.
“Mike, you were supposed to tell God to make Sleepy Joe lose,” Trump snapped. “A lot of good your ‘praying’ did.”
Trump’s tirade against Pence grew in ferocity after Biden romped to victory in state after state, a string of victories that Trump blamed squarely on Pence’s inadequate praying efforts.
“They’re still voting in California,” Trump barked at Pence around midnight. “Get down on your knees and get to work, you loser.”
According to White House sources, Trump’s insistence that Pence pray for Biden’s failure has pushed the Vice-President “to the breaking point.”
“He’s already spending hours every day praying for the stock market to go up,” one source said.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-05--Washington, D.C., Man Linked to Community Spread of Coronavirus Misinformation

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —A resident of Washington , D.C. , has been identified as the source of the community spread of coronavirus misinformation throughout the United States .
Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Thursday that the man had ignored the advice of public-health experts and spewed a toxic strain of ignorance , potentially infecting millions .
The man , believed to be a fact-resistant organism , travelled last week to South Carolina , where he came in contact with thousands of people who , as a result of community spread , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The epidemic of cluelessness expanded last night , when the man called in to a Fox News television program to encourage people with coronavirus to go to work rather than stay at home , as scientists have urged .
A C.D.C .
spokesperson in Atlanta said there are steps that the public can take to avoid becoming infected by the man ’ s noxious contagion of falsehoods .
“ According to the data we have , the most virulent misinformation is transmitted via this man ’ s oral cavity , ” the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ on your TV and see him open his mouth , move as far away as possible .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A resident of Washington, D.C., has been identified as the source of the community spread of coronavirus misinformation throughout the United States.
Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Thursday that the man had ignored the advice of public-health experts and spewed a toxic strain of ignorance, potentially infecting millions.
The man, believed to be a fact-resistant organism, travelled last week to South Carolina, where he came in contact with thousands of people who, as a result of community spread, now believe that coronavirus is a hoax.
The epidemic of cluelessness expanded last night, when the man called in to a Fox News television program to encourage people with coronavirus to go to work rather than stay at home, as scientists have urged.
A C.D.C. spokesperson in Atlanta said there are steps that the public can take to avoid becoming infected by the man’s noxious contagion of falsehoods.
“According to the data we have, the most virulent misinformation is transmitted via this man’s oral cavity,” the spokesperson said. “If you turn on your TV and see him open his mouth, move as far away as possible.”


theborowitzreport--2020-03-06--Susan Collins Unable to Decide Whether to Wash Hands

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Senator Susan Collins , of Maine , has not decided whether she will wash @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus outbreak , Collins confirmed on Friday .
Speaking to reporters at the Capitol @ @ @ @ @ was “ deeply troubled ” by the behavior of the COVID-19 virus .
“ The @ @ @ @ @ , to me , profoundly disturbing , ” she said .
“ Whether it rises @ @ @ @ @ I should respond to by washing my hands is a question I am devoting a @ @ @ @ @ right now.
” Collins said that she had set “ no timetable ” for deciding @ @ @ @ @ , stressing that it was a decision “ I do not take lightly.
” As @ @ @ @ @ was spotted standing outside a Senate washroom , seemingly immobilized .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, has not decided whether she will wash her hands in response to the coronavirus outbreak, Collins confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters at the Capitol, Collins said that she was “deeply troubled” by the behavior of the COVID-19 virus.
“The behavior of the coronavirus is, to me, profoundly disturbing,” she said. “Whether it rises to the level of something I should respond to by washing my hands is a question I am devoting a great deal of thought to right now.”
Collins said that she had set “no timetable” for deciding whether to wash her hands, stressing that it was a decision “I do not take lightly.”
As of press time, Collins was spotted standing outside a Senate washroom, seemingly immobilized.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-09--Betsy DeVos Says She Was Planning to Close All Schools Anyway

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —As an increasing number of schools and universities closed down because of the coronavirus outbreak , the Education Secretary , Betsy DeVos , revealed on Monday that she had been planning for years to close every school in the country anyway .
Speaking to reporters in Washington , DeVos said , “ When I took over as Education Secretary , I came with a simple mission : to shut down all of the nation ’ s schools .
It turns out that I was just ahead of my time.
” Noting that schools are @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and history , DeVos said , “ I have long believed that schools are where all the bad things happen.
” Deciding to “ wipe out the scourge of education once and for all , ” DeVos said that , within days of taking office , she drew up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open .
In a reassuring message to the nation ’ s parents and students , DeVos said , “ Amid the current crisis , many of you are wondering how we will close every American school overnight @ @ @ @ @ @ @ is the job Betsy DeVos was born to do .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As an increasing number of schools and universities closed down because of the coronavirus outbreak, the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, revealed on Monday that she had been planning for years to close every school in the country anyway.
Speaking to reporters in Washington, DeVos said, “When I took over as Education Secretary, I came with a simple mission: to shut down all of the nation’s schools. It turns out that I was just ahead of my time.”
Noting that schools are where students learn math, science, and history, DeVos said, “I have long believed that schools are where all the bad things happen.”
Deciding to “wipe out the scourge of education once and for all,” DeVos said that, within days of taking office, she drew up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open.
In a reassuring message to the nation’s parents and students, DeVos said, “Amid the current crisis, many of you are wondering how we will close every American school overnight. Let me just say that this is the job Betsy DeVos was born to do.”


theborowitzreport--2020-03-09--Cruise-Ship Passengers Demand to Be Housed at Mar-a-Lago

OAKLAND ( The Borowitz Report ) —Irate passengers who have been stranded onboard the Grand Princess cruise ship are demanding to be housed at Mar-a-Lago , the passengers confirmed on Monday .
Frustrated by the Trump Administration ’ s delay in devising a plan to enable them to disembark , the nearly three thousand coronavirus-exposed passengers said that it was “ only fair ” that Trump welcome them to his Palm Beach home .
“ Donald Trump keeps on saying that he ’ s not worried about coronavirus , ” the passengers ’ spokesman said .
“ Then he shouldn @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us living with him.
” The passengers said that they were looking forward to the Mar-a-Lago life style , which includes golf , swimming , and listening in on national-security secrets in the main dining room .
At the White House , Trump said that , if the Grand Princess passengers are transferred to Mar-a-Lago , they should stay as far away from him as possible , “ like Melania does when she ’ s down there.
” The coronavirus crisis deepened on Sunday after a man who showed signs of lethargy , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ turned out to be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development , Ben Carson .

OAKLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Irate passengers who have been stranded onboard the Grand Princess cruise ship are demanding to be housed at Mar-a-Lago, the passengers confirmed on Monday.
Frustrated by the Trump Administration’s delay in devising a plan to enable them to disembark, the nearly three thousand coronavirus-exposed passengers said that it was “only fair” that Trump welcome them to his Palm Beach home.
“Donald Trump keeps on saying that he’s not worried about coronavirus,” the passengers’ spokesman said. “Then he shouldn’t object to three thousand of us living with him.”
The passengers said that they were looking forward to the Mar-a-Lago life style, which includes golf, swimming, and listening in on national-security secrets in the main dining room.
At the White House, Trump said that, if the Grand Princess passengers are transferred to Mar-a-Lago, they should stay as far away from him as possible, “like Melania does when she’s down there.”
The coronavirus crisis deepened on Sunday after a man who showed signs of lethargy, drooping eyelids, and other flu-like symptoms turned out to be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-12--Nation Baffled That Former Reality-Show Host Not Prepared for This

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Millions of Americans are mystified that a former reality-show host is not prepared for this , Americans confirmed on Thursday .
In interviews across the country , individuals expressed shock and bafflement that the vast skill-set necessary to headline a prime-time entertainment program would somehow not be adequate to address a global pandemic .
Harland Dorrinson , a resident of Lexington , Kentucky , said , “ On his TV show , he sat in a big leather chair and barked lines of dialogue that other people had written for him .
I assumed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if he ever had to manage an intricate and daunting public-health emergency.
” Tracy Klugian , of Akron , Ohio , was equally puzzled .
“ When I first heard about the coronavirus , I thought , O.K.
, here ’ s his chance to draw on all his years of being an empty vessel for TV producers , ” he said .
“ What went wrong ?
” Daniela Kartpin , of Minneapolis , said that the reality-show host ’ s handling of the pandemic had left her shaken .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ faced an existential threat , the best person to grapple with it would be someone who had abused celebrities for our entertainment , ” she said .
“ This whole thing is starting to make me wonder .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are mystified that a former reality-show host is not prepared for this, Americans confirmed on Thursday.
In interviews across the country, individuals expressed shock and bafflement that the vast skill-set necessary to headline a prime-time entertainment program would somehow not be adequate to address a global pandemic.
Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Lexington, Kentucky, said, “On his TV show, he sat in a big leather chair and barked lines of dialogue that other people had written for him. I assumed that that experience would come in handy if he ever had to manage an intricate and daunting public-health emergency.”
Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio, was equally puzzled. “When I first heard about the coronavirus, I thought, O.K., here’s his chance to draw on all his years of being an empty vessel for TV producers,” he said. “What went wrong?”
Daniela Kartpin, of Minneapolis, said that the reality-show host’s handling of the pandemic had left her shaken. “I always thought that if the country ever faced an existential threat, the best person to grapple with it would be someone who had abused celebrities for our entertainment,” she said. “This whole thing is starting to make me wonder.”


theborowitzreport--2020-03-13--Dr. Anthony Fauci Changes Trump’s Twitter Password

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling his action “ in the interest of public health , ” Dr. Anthony @ @ @ @ @ ’ s Twitter password on Friday .
“ This is something I ’ ve wanted @ @ @ @ @ ” Fauci told reporters .
“ I was just waiting for the right opportunity.
” @ @ @ @ @ the coronavirus task force , the esteemed virologist noticed that , while Trump launched into @ @ @ @ @ Vice-President Joe Biden , he left his phone unattended on the conference-room table .
Springing @ @ @ @ @ took custody of Trump ’ s phone and changed his Twitter password in a matter @ @ @ @ @ ’ d never hacked into a Twitter account before , ” he said .
“ @ @ @ @ @ a rabbit ’ s. ” Fauci said that there was “ little to no chance @ @ @ @ @ to guess his new password .
“ I used a polysyllabic word , ” Fauci @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his action “in the interest of public health,” Dr. Anthony Fauci changed Donald J. Trump’s Twitter password on Friday.
“This is something I’ve wanted to do for weeks,” Fauci told reporters. “I was just waiting for the right opportunity.”
During the daily meeting of the coronavirus task force, the esteemed virologist noticed that, while Trump launched into an extended rant about former Vice-President Joe Biden, he left his phone unattended on the conference-room table.
Springing into action, Fauci surreptitiously took custody of Trump’s phone and changed his Twitter password in a matter of seconds.
“I’d never hacked into a Twitter account before,” he said. “My heart was beating like a rabbit’s.”
Fauci said that there was “little to no chance” of Trump being able to guess his new password. “I used a polysyllabic word,” Fauci said.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-16--Trump Tests Negative For Empathy

Trump Tests Negative For Empathy

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump has tested negative for empathy , the White House doctor confirmed @ @ @ @ @ official statement , Dr. Sean Conley said that Trump submitted to the empathy test even @ @ @ @ @ ’ s opinion , “ it was not really necessary.
” “ I expected him @ @ @ @ @ Conley said .
“ Empathy-wise , he has been entirely asymptomatic.
” The White House @ @ @ @ @ empathy-free status to his established practice of social distancing from anyone showing even the faintest @ @ @ @ @ , or humanity .
“ At the first indication that someone is about to open @ @ @ @ @ emit an expression of concern for others , he is careful to move as far @ @ @ @ @ possible , ” the physician said .
Instead , Conley said , Trump has been @ @ @ @ @ who have also tested negative for empathy , such as Stephen Miller , Mitch McConnell @ @ @ @ @ adult Trump children except Tiffany .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has tested negative for empathy, the White House doctor confirmed on Monday.
In an official statement, Dr. Sean Conley said that Trump submitted to the empathy test even though, in the physician’s opinion, “it was not really necessary.”
“I expected him to test negative,” Conley said. “Empathy-wise, he has been entirely asymptomatic.”
The White House doctor attributed Trump’s empathy-free status to his established practice of social distancing from anyone showing even the faintest sign of compassion, kindness, or humanity.
“At the first indication that someone is about to open his or her mouth to emit an expression of concern for others, he is careful to move as far away from that person as possible,” the physician said.
Instead, Conley said, Trump has been spending time exclusively with people who have also tested negative for empathy, such as Stephen Miller, Mitch McConnell, and all of the adult Trump children except Tiffany.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-17--Dr. Fauci Says He Has No Idea Who Locked Jared Kushner in Bathroom

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Dr .
Anthony Fauci said on Tuesday that he had “ no idea ” @ @ @ @ @ a White House bathroom .
Fielding a question at the daily briefing by the Coronavirus @ @ @ @ @ virologist said that it was most likely “ a regrettable accident ” that resulted in @ @ @ @ @ son-in-law being trapped in the bathroom for nine hours .
“ Doors get locked by @ @ @ @ @ ” Fauci said .
When a reporter pointed out that the bathroom door had been @ @ @ @ @ a padlock , Fauci replied , “ Whoa .
That ’ s a different kettle @ @ @ @ @ not heard that .
Padlock ?
That ’ s crazy.
” Fauci urged the press @ @ @ @ @ big a deal ” of Kushner ’ s imprisonment in the bathroom , and noted @ @ @ @ @ heard Kushner ’ s screams and came to his rescue .
Taking another question from @ @ @ @ @ had no idea who locked Representative Devin Nunes in the bathroom .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Tuesday that he had “no idea” who locked Jared Kushner in a White House bathroom.
Fielding a question at the daily briefing by the Coronavirus Task Force, the esteemed virologist said that it was most likely “a regrettable accident” that resulted in Donald J. Trump’s son-in-law being trapped in the bathroom for nine hours.
“Doors get locked by mistake all the time,” Fauci said.
When a reporter pointed out that the bathroom door had been locked from the outside with a padlock, Fauci replied, “Whoa. That’s a different kettle of fish. I had not heard that. Padlock? That’s crazy.”
Fauci urged the press not to “make too big a deal” of Kushner’s imprisonment in the bathroom, and noted that Vice-President Mike Pence eventually heard Kushner’s screams and came to his rescue.
Taking another question from reporters, Fauci said he had no idea who locked Representative Devin Nunes in the bathroom.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-03-19--Fox to Address Coronavirus Crisis with Three-Part Series on Hunter Biden

NEW YORK ( The Borowitz Report ) —Determined to address the “ No .
1 concern of the American people during the coronavirus crisis , ” Fox News Channel announced on Thursday that it would air a three-part prime-time series on Hunter Biden .
The series , to be he co-hosted by Sean Hannity , Tucker Carlson , and Rudy Giuliani , will attempt to soothe the anxieties of Fox viewers who have suddenly been plunged into uncertainty about the activities of Joe Biden ’ s son .
“ People are trapped inside their homes , they ’ re worried @ @ @ @ @ @ @ they don ’ t know where to turn for accurate information about Hunter Biden , ” Hannity said .
“ We ’ re here to fill that need.
” Giuliani said that the three-part series was necessary because “ the deep state ” had limited Americans ’ access to essential Hunter Biden facts during the pandemic crisis .
“ If you go on the C.D.C .
Web site , you won ’ t find a single mention of Hunter Biden , Burisma , or CrowdStrike , ” Giuliani said .
“ It ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ episode of the series , the Fox hosts will attempt to answer what Carlson called “ the most important question on our viewers ’ minds : Did Hunter Biden cause the coronavirus ?
” “ As of now , there is no evidence that Hunter Biden caused the coronavirus , ” Carlson said .
“ However , there is also no evidence that he didn ’ t cause it .
That ’ s the angle we ’ re going to be focussing on .
”

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Determined to address the “No. 1 concern of the American people during the coronavirus crisis,” Fox News Channel announced on Thursday that it would air a three-part prime-time series on Hunter Biden.
The series, to be he co-hosted by Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rudy Giuliani, will attempt to soothe the anxieties of Fox viewers who have suddenly been plunged into uncertainty about the activities of Joe Biden’s son.
“People are trapped inside their homes, they’re worried, they’re scared, and they don’t know where to turn for accurate information about Hunter Biden,” Hannity said. “We’re here to fill that need.”
Giuliani said that the three-part series was necessary because “the deep state” had limited Americans’ access to essential Hunter Biden facts during the pandemic crisis.
“If you go on the C.D.C. Web site, you won’t find a single mention of Hunter Biden, Burisma, or CrowdStrike,” Giuliani said. “It’s a disgrace.”
In the first episode of the series, the Fox hosts will attempt to answer what Carlson called “the most important question on our viewers’ minds: Did Hunter Biden cause the coronavirus?”
“As of now, there is no evidence that Hunter Biden caused the coronavirus,” Carlson said. “However, there is also no evidence that he didn’t cause it. That’s the angle we’re going to be focussing on.”


theborowitzreport--2020-03-20--Richard Burr Demands Assurance That Senators Working from Home Will Still Get Stock Tips

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Amid speculation that United States senators might soon be working remotely , Senator Richard Burr on Friday demanded guarantees that senators working from home will still have access to insider-trading tips .
Speaking from the well of the Senate , an impassioned Burr , a Republican from North Carolina , said that a “ system needs to be put in place—not tomorrow , not next week , but today—to insure that senators receive the insider-trading information that is both our lifeblood and our birthright.
” Burr blasted the Obama Administration for not establishing contingency @ @ @ @ @ @ @ stock tips to U.S. senators in the event of a pandemic , nuclear war , or asteroid strike .
“ The fact that we will soon be isolated in our homes , forced to seek out stock tips through e-mails , text messages , and what have you is , to put it mildly , unconscionable , ” Burr , his voice quavering with anger , told his colleagues .
The North Carolina lawmaker urged the Senate to appropriate one and a half billion dollars immediately to fund the construction of a secure @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Moments after his speech , it was revealed that Burr yesterday invested in SecurePortalTek , a company that builds secure portals to provide real-time insider stock tips .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid speculation that United States senators might soon be working remotely, Senator Richard Burr on Friday demanded guarantees that senators working from home will still have access to insider-trading tips.
Speaking from the well of the Senate, an impassioned Burr, a Republican from North Carolina, said that a “system needs to be put in place—not tomorrow, not next week, but today—to insure that senators receive the insider-trading information that is both our lifeblood and our birthright.”
Burr blasted the Obama Administration for not establishing contingency plans to safeguard the steady flow of stock tips to U.S. senators in the event of a pandemic, nuclear war, or asteroid strike.
“The fact that we will soon be isolated in our homes, forced to seek out stock tips through e-mails, text messages, and what have you is, to put it mildly, unconscionable,” Burr, his voice quavering with anger, told his colleagues.
The North Carolina lawmaker urged the Senate to appropriate one and a half billion dollars immediately to fund the construction of a secure portal to provide real-time insider stock tips.
Moments after his speech, it was revealed that Burr yesterday invested in SecurePortalTek, a company that builds secure portals to provide real-time insider stock tips.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-21--Forty Per Cent of Nation’s Toilet Paper Found in Richard Burr’s Garage

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report—In a new controversy ensnaring the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee , forty per cent of the nation ’ s toilet-paper supply has been found in Senator Richard Burr ’ s garage .
The discovery of the coveted paper products occurred on Saturday morning , when Burr , who had been checking stock quotes on his phone , accidentally leaned against his garage-door opener .
The garage immediately disgorged the priceless cache of toilet paper , which tumbled into the street and snarled traffic for three blocks .
Picking through the mess , a sharp-eyed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Costco receipt indicating that the senator had purchased the toilet paper in early January , shortly after he received classified information about the potential scope of the COVID-19 pandemic .
In an official statement , Burr angrily denied that there was “ anything inappropriate ” about the mountain of toilet paper he was hiding in his garage .
“ My wife buys all of the toilet paper in our house and has done so since we wed , in 1984 , ” he said .
“ I have never been a part of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ imply otherwise is a malicious hit job.
” Burr said that , in order to dispel any suspicions about his actions , he was offering to donate the toilet paper to U.S. citizens for only thirty dollars a roll .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report—In a new controversy ensnaring the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, forty per cent of the nation’s toilet-paper supply has been found in Senator Richard Burr’s garage.
The discovery of the coveted paper products occurred on Saturday morning, when Burr, who had been checking stock quotes on his phone, accidentally leaned against his garage-door opener.
The garage immediately disgorged the priceless cache of toilet paper, which tumbled into the street and snarled traffic for three blocks.
Picking through the mess, a sharp-eyed neighbor of Burr’s found a Costco receipt indicating that the senator had purchased the toilet paper in early January, shortly after he received classified information about the potential scope of the COVID-19 pandemic.
In an official statement, Burr angrily denied that there was “anything inappropriate” about the mountain of toilet paper he was hiding in his garage.
“My wife buys all of the toilet paper in our house and has done so since we wed, in 1984,” he said. “I have never been a part of those decisions, and any attempt to imply otherwise is a malicious hit job.”
Burr said that, in order to dispel any suspicions about his actions, he was offering to donate the toilet paper to U.S. citizens for only thirty dollars a roll.