theborowitzreport--2020-06-15--Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Nation’s Ramps

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Arguing that “ there ’ s something going on ” with the nation ’ s sloping surfaces , Donald J. Trump has ordered Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a Department of Justice investigation into the United States ’ s vast collection of ramps .
“ It ’ s something we ’ re looking into quite strongly , ” Trump told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House .
“ Ramps have treated me very unfairly.
” The decision to probe the nation ’ s ramps came after a night of Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ one claiming that George Soros had plotted to make American ramps steeper and slipperier than they were during Barack Obama ’ s Presidency .
Trump told reporters that he was also considering signing an executive order requiring all ramps to have an incline of zero degrees , rendering them completely flat .
“ Those would be perfect ramps , ” he said .
Responding to this proposal , CNN ’ s Jim Acosta asked if , by making ramps flat , Trump would in effect be making the nation ’ s ramps no @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that “there’s something going on” with the nation’s sloping surfaces, Donald J. Trump has ordered Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a Department of Justice investigation into the United States’s vast collection of ramps.
“It’s something we’re looking into quite strongly,” Trump told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. “Ramps have treated me very unfairly.”
The decision to probe the nation’s ramps came after a night of Trump feverishly retweeting anti-ramp conspiracy theories, including one claiming that George Soros had plotted to make American ramps steeper and slipperier than they were during Barack Obama’s Presidency.
Trump told reporters that he was also considering signing an executive order requiring all ramps to have an incline of zero degrees, rendering them completely flat.
“Those would be perfect ramps,” he said.
Responding to this proposal, CNN’s Jim Acosta asked if, by making ramps flat, Trump would in effect be making the nation’s ramps no longer ramps at all.
“You’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-16--Trump Proposes Overruling Supreme Court by Creating Supremer Court

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —One day after it issued decisions on L.G.B.T.Q .
rights and the Second Amendment that provoked his ire , Donald J. Trump said that he would overrule the Supreme Court by creating a “ Supremer Court.
” “ Right now , if the Supreme Court makes a bad decision , quite frankly , you ’ re screwed , ” he said .
“ The Supremer Court fixes that.
” Trump said that his Supremer Court would be a “ beautiful , perfect court ” that would make the Supreme Court “ look like exactly @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Trump said that the Supremer Court would be housed in a “ giant , gleaming building ” overlooking the Supreme Court , enabling the Supremer Court Justices to “ look down at those pathetic little Supreme Court jerks and laugh.
” As for choosing Justices for the Supremer Court , Trump said that there were no Supreme Court Justices worth promoting , “ except maybe Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas.
” “ Judge Roberts is the beauty who gave us Obamacare , and Gorsuch is a total snake , ” Trump said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Thomas you ’ ve got two terrific people .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after it issued decisions on L.G.B.T.Q. rights and the Second Amendment that provoked his ire, Donald J. Trump said that he would overrule the Supreme Court by creating a “Supremer Court.”
“Right now, if the Supreme Court makes a bad decision, quite frankly, you’re screwed,” he said. “The Supremer Court fixes that.”
Trump said that his Supremer Court would be a “beautiful, perfect court” that would make the Supreme Court “look like exactly what it is—a sad bunch of losers.”
Trump said that the Supremer Court would be housed in a “giant, gleaming building” overlooking the Supreme Court, enabling the Supremer Court Justices to “look down at those pathetic little Supreme Court jerks and laugh.”
As for choosing Justices for the Supremer Court, Trump said that there were no Supreme Court Justices worth promoting, “except maybe Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas.”
“Judge Roberts is the beauty who gave us Obamacare, and Gorsuch is a total snake,” Trump said. “At least with Kavanaugh and Thomas you’ve got two terrific people.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-06-17--White House Staff Seething with Envy After Fauci Reveals He Has Not Spoken to Trump in Two Weeks

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —White House staffers are seething with envy after Dr. Anthony Fauci revealed that he @ @ @ @ @ J. Trump in two weeks , envious staffers have confirmed .
News of the break @ @ @ @ @ men sent shockwaves through the White House , with scores of staffers demanding to know @ @ @ @ @ trick that they could employ to similar effect .
“ Two freaking weeks ?
” @ @ @ @ @ .
“ I ’ d settle for one hour.
” Fauci said that there was @ @ @ @ @ to stop talking to him , but suggested , “ Generally speaking , if you @ @ @ @ @ , that ’ s usually enough to do it.
” Recognizing that members of the @ @ @ @ @ unaccustomed to uttering factual statements , Fauci said , “ Another thing you can try @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Mr .
President , I ’ m really looking forward to reading John Bolton @ @ @ @ @ should get you two weeks , minimum .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—White House staffers are seething with envy after Dr. Anthony Fauci revealed that he has not spoken to Donald J. Trump in two weeks, envious staffers have confirmed.
News of the break in communication between the two men sent shockwaves through the White House, with scores of staffers demanding to know whether Fauci had a secret trick that they could employ to similar effect.
“Two freaking weeks?” Jared Kushner was overheard muttering. “I’d settle for one hour.”
Fauci said that there was no secret to getting Trump to stop talking to him, but suggested, “Generally speaking, if you pepper your sentences with facts, that’s usually enough to do it.”
Recognizing that members of the White House staff may be unaccustomed to uttering factual statements, Fauci said, “Another thing you can try is saying to him, ‘Mr. President, I’m really looking forward to reading John Bolton’s book.’ That should get you two weeks, minimum.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-06-18--Susan Collins Puts Bolton Book in Amazon Cart but Remains Undecided About Placing Order

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Senator Susan Collins has put John Bolton ’ s new book in her Amazon cart but is undecided about placing an order for it , Collins confirmed on Thursday .
Speaking to reporters at the Senate , Collins called the decision to pull the trigger on the Bolton book “ one of the most wrenching of my career.
” “ My computer ’ s cursor has hovered over the ‘ Place your order ’ button for hours without clicking on it , ” she said .
“ This is not a decision I take @ @ @ @ @ @ @ indicated that , even if she ultimately decides to buy Bolton ’ s book , she is leaving open the possibility of returning the book to Amazon .
“ All options are on the table , ” she said .
In her most revealing statement , Collins admitted that she has more than three hundred other items in her Amazon cart that she has yet to commit to buying .
Those items include sunglasses , a hand mixer , several pairs of capri pants , and a beekeeping kit .
Collins said that @ @ @ @ @ @ @ beekeeping as a hobby , she is troubled and concerned about the behavior of bees .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins has put John Bolton’s new book in her Amazon cart but is undecided about placing an order for it, Collins confirmed on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters at the Senate, Collins called the decision to pull the trigger on the Bolton book “one of the most wrenching of my career.”
“My computer’s cursor has hovered over the ‘Place your order’ button for hours without clicking on it,” she said. “This is not a decision I take lightly.”
The Republican senator from Maine indicated that, even if she ultimately decides to buy Bolton’s book, she is leaving open the possibility of returning the book to Amazon.
“All options are on the table,” she said.
In her most revealing statement, Collins admitted that she has more than three hundred other items in her Amazon cart that she has yet to commit to buying.
Those items include sunglasses, a hand mixer, several pairs of capri pants, and a beekeeping kit.
Collins said that, although she is interested in pursuing beekeeping as a hobby, she is troubled and concerned about the behavior of bees.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-21--Trump to Hold Next Rally in Bunker

Trump to Hold Next Rally in Bunker

TULSA ( The Borowitz Report ) —Stung by the paltry turnout at his Saturday-night rally in Tulsa , Oklahoma , @ @ @ @ @ campaign has announced plans to hold his next rally in the bunker beneath the White @ @ @ @ @ rally , Brad Parscale , the chairman of Trump ’ s reëlection campaign , denied @ @ @ @ @ reflected a tepid level of enthusiasm to see the candidate speak .
“ The bunker @ @ @ @ @ Parscale said .
“ That is a much larger seating capacity than Joe Biden ’ @ @ @ @ @ choice of such an intimate venue , however , Trump campaign sources are privately worried @ @ @ @ @ filling the bunker .
According to one source , Jared Kushner spent all of Sunday @ @ @ @ @ people to attend the bunker rally .
“ All of Jared ’ s friends said @ @ @ @ @ so that ’ s five seats right there , ” the source said .

TULSA (The Borowitz Report)—Stung by the paltry turnout at his Saturday-night rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Donald J. Trump’s campaign has announced plans to hold his next rally in the bunker beneath the White House.
In announcing the rally, Brad Parscale, the chairman of Trump’s reëlection campaign, denied that the choice of venue reflected a tepid level of enthusiasm to see the candidate speak.
“The bunker holds forty people,” Parscale said. “That is a much larger seating capacity than Joe Biden’s basement.”
Despite the choice of such an intimate venue, however, Trump campaign sources are privately worried that they may have difficulty filling the bunker.
According to one source, Jared Kushner spent all of Sunday morning on the phone begging people to attend the bunker rally.
“All of Jared’s friends said they’re coming, so that’s five seats right there,” the source said.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-22--Trump Calls Drinking Glass of Water Proudest Achievement as President

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump on Monday called his successful drinking of a glass of water at his Tulsa rally his proudest achievement as President .
“ I brought that glass of water up to my mouth and drank from it without spilling a drop on my tie , ” Trump told reporters at the White House .
“ You can look at the tape .
There was not a single drop of spillage.
” Trump added that , while drinking a glass of water was an impressive achievement in itself , executing it @ @ @ @ @ @ @ large crowd made it even more extraordinary .
“ There was a lot of pressure on me to drink that water right , ” he said .
“ There must have been forty thousand people there.
” Trump lashed out at the media for emphasizing the missteps of his Presidency while failing to cover his crowning moments , such as his flawless quaffing of a glass of water .
“ I guarantee you , all the dishonest media is going to want to talk about this week is the coronavirus and unemployment and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ You people will act as though me drinking that glass of water never happened.
” In his most stunning claim , Trump argued that he might be “ better at drinking a glass of water than any other President in history.
” “ You won ’ t find any tape of Obama drinking water , probably , because he was afraid of spilling , ” Trump said .
“ Honest Abe , I will bet you anything , got water on his beard , which is disgusting .
Look at the tape of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ I drank a perfect glass of water .
Anyone who says differently is a horrible human being .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Monday called his successful drinking of a glass of water at his Tulsa rally his proudest achievement as President.
“I brought that glass of water up to my mouth and drank from it without spilling a drop on my tie,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “You can look at the tape. There was not a single drop of spillage.”
Trump added that, while drinking a glass of water was an impressive achievement in itself, executing it so well in front of such a large crowd made it even more extraordinary.
“There was a lot of pressure on me to drink that water right,” he said. “There must have been forty thousand people there.”
Trump lashed out at the media for emphasizing the missteps of his Presidency while failing to cover his crowning moments, such as his flawless quaffing of a glass of water.
“I guarantee you, all the dishonest media is going to want to talk about this week is the coronavirus and unemployment and protests,” he said. “You people will act as though me drinking that glass of water never happened.”
In his most stunning claim, Trump argued that he might be “better at drinking a glass of water than any other President in history.”
“You won’t find any tape of Obama drinking water, probably, because he was afraid of spilling,” Trump said. “Honest Abe, I will bet you anything, got water on his beard, which is disgusting. Look at the tape of me again and decide for yourself. I drank a perfect glass of water. Anyone who says differently is a horrible human being.”


theborowitzreport--2020-06-23--Trump Offers Stimulus Checks to Anyone Willing to Come to His Next Rally

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Hoping to avert another debacle like the one at his rally in @ @ @ @ @ said on Tuesday that he was offering economic-stimulus checks to anyone willing to come to @ @ @ @ @ Arizona .
Displaying a sample check in the Oval Office , Trump said that he @ @ @ @ @ of unemployed Americans back to work as full-time audience members at his rallies .
“ @ @ @ @ @ that people wouldn ’ t go to one of my rallies if I paid them @ @ @ @ @ “ Well , we ’ ll see about that.
” Larry Kudlow , Trump ’ @ @ @ @ @ that the twelve-hundred-dollar stimulus checks would be paid “ in installments , based on how @ @ @ @ @ at the rally.
” “ If you walk out after the first hour , you @ @ @ @ @ ” he said .
“ You ’ re really going to have to earn the @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to avert another debacle like the one at his rally in Tulsa, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday that he was offering economic-stimulus checks to anyone willing to come to his next rally, in Arizona.
Displaying a sample check in the Oval Office, Trump said that he hoped eventually to put millions of unemployed Americans back to work as full-time audience members at his rallies.
“The dishonest media are saying that people wouldn’t go to one of my rallies if I paid them,” Trump said. “Well, we’ll see about that.”
Larry Kudlow, Trump’s economic adviser, said that the twelve-hundred-dollar stimulus checks would be paid “in installments, based on how long the recipients actually stay at the rally.”
“If you walk out after the first hour, you only get six hundred,” he said. “You’re really going to have to earn the full twelve hundred.”


theborowitzreport--2020-06-23--Trump Refuses to Ramp Up Testing Because of His Hatred of Ramps

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump is refusing to ramp up testing because of his deep-seated hatred of ramps , White House sources have revealed .
According to several sources , Trump ’ s enmity toward ramps reached a fever pitch after his notorious visit to West Point , earlier this month , which took any talk at the White House of ramping up anything totally off the table .
Eyewitnesses say that it was shortly after that visit that Jared Kushner , seemingly unaware of Trump ’ s newly inflamed feud with ramps , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Do you think we should ramp up testing ?
, ” only to receive a chilly reply from Trump .
“ Never say that word again , ” he reportedly snapped .
While White House staffers have been scrambling in recent days to find synonyms for “ ramp up , ” including “ accelerate , ” “ increase , ” and “ do more of , ” they have become suddenly aware of other words they must avoid while speaking to Trump , including “ drink , ” “ glass , ” @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is refusing to ramp up testing because of his deep-seated hatred of ramps, White House sources have revealed.
According to several sources, Trump’s enmity toward ramps reached a fever pitch after his notorious visit to West Point, earlier this month, which took any talk at the White House of ramping up anything totally off the table.
Eyewitnesses say that it was shortly after that visit that Jared Kushner, seemingly unaware of Trump’s newly inflamed feud with ramps, suggested in a White House meeting, “Do you think we should ramp up testing?,” only to receive a chilly reply from Trump.
“Never say that word again,” he reportedly snapped.
“Testing?” Kushner asked.
“Ramp, you idiot,” Trump thundered.
While White House staffers have been scrambling in recent days to find synonyms for “ramp up,” including “accelerate,” “increase,” and “do more of,” they have become suddenly aware of other words they must avoid while speaking to Trump, including “drink,” “glass,” and “water.”


theborowitzreport--2020-06-25--Giuliani No Longer Worst Lawyer in Country

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an unexpected turn of events for the former New York mayor , a poll of legal experts has determined that Rudolph Giuliani is no longer the worst lawyer in America .
According to the law professor who supervised the poll , Davis Logsdon , of the University of Minnesota Law School , Giuliani ’ s dethronement from the worst-lawyer championship was all the more shocking because his claim to that title had remained unchallenged for so long .
“ Giuliani had faced worthy competition from the likes of Michael D. Cohen and Michael @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” Logsdon said .
“ But this new challenger left Rudy in the dust.
” The new titleholder as the nation ’ s worst lawyer , who won in a nearly unanimous vote , is so egregious that he may cause some legal experts to reassess Giuliani ’ s career as an attorney .
“ Compared to our country ’ s new worst lawyer , Rudy demonstrated the utmost respect for the Constitution and the rule of law , ” Logsdon argued .
Reached in the makeup room at Fox News , where @ @ @ @ @ @ @ appearance , Giuliani took the news of his ouster philosophically .
“ I had a good run , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected turn of events for the former New York mayor, a poll of legal experts has determined that Rudolph Giuliani is no longer the worst lawyer in America.
According to the law professor who supervised the poll, Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota Law School, Giuliani’s dethronement from the worst-lawyer championship was all the more shocking because his claim to that title had remained unchallenged for so long.
“Giuliani had faced worthy competition from the likes of Michael D. Cohen and Michael Avenatti and dispatched them with ease,” Logsdon said. “But this new challenger left Rudy in the dust.”
The new titleholder as the nation’s worst lawyer, who won in a nearly unanimous vote, is so egregious that he may cause some legal experts to reassess Giuliani’s career as an attorney. “Compared to our country’s new worst lawyer, Rudy demonstrated the utmost respect for the Constitution and the rule of law,” Logsdon argued.
Reached in the makeup room at Fox News, where he was about to make an on-air appearance, Giuliani took the news of his ouster philosophically. “I had a good run,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-26--Trump Vows to Ban Coronavirus Vaccine If Obama Invented It

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump on Friday threatened to ban a coronavirus vaccine if it turns out that it was invented by former President Barack Obama .
Trump ’ s threat took members of the White House press corps aback , since there are no reports to date of Obama attempting to invent a vaccine or any other pharmaceutical .
Trump acknowledged that he was not aware of any such activities on Obama ’ s part , but warned that , if the former President succeeded in inventing a coronavirus vaccine , “ I ’ m @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ If Obama came up with a vaccine , it would only be to make me look bad , ” he said .
“ Well , guess what ?
I ’ m not going to let him get away with something cute like that .
We ’ re going to move quite powerfully on anything Obama does in terms of a vaccine.
” Trump added that , if former Vice-President Joe Biden is elected President in November , “ It wouldn ’ t surprise me one bit if he approved a vaccine Obama @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ Obama and Biden , they ’ re like two peas in a pod , ” Trump said .
“ If you want a vaccine , vote for Biden .
It ’ ll serve you right .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Friday threatened to ban a coronavirus vaccine if it turns out that it was invented by former President Barack Obama.
Trump’s threat took members of the White House press corps aback, since there are no reports to date of Obama attempting to invent a vaccine or any other pharmaceutical.
Trump acknowledged that he was not aware of any such activities on Obama’s part, but warned that, if the former President succeeded in inventing a coronavirus vaccine, “I’m not going to let that happen.”
“If Obama came up with a vaccine, it would only be to make me look bad,” he said. “Well, guess what? I’m not going to let him get away with something cute like that. We’re going to move quite powerfully on anything Obama does in terms of a vaccine.”
Trump added that, if former Vice-President Joe Biden is elected President in November, “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he approved a vaccine Obama invented, just to spite me.”
“Obama and Biden, they’re like two peas in a pod,” Trump said. “If you want a vaccine, vote for Biden. It’ll serve you right.”


theborowitzreport--2020-07-01--Trump May Not Have Read Brief Because He Holds Reading Material Upside Down

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump may not have read a Presidential Daily Brief on the Russian bounty scheme because he holds reading material upside down , experts suggested on Wednesday .
After studying photographic evidence of Trump holding a book in that difficult-to-read position , Davis Logsdon , who studies literacy at the University of Minnesota , said that such a practice could have impeded the President ’ s ability to process information on his desk .
“ If Trump is holding all of his Presidential Daily Briefs upside down , what is intended to be @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , to him , appear to be little more than meaningless marks on a piece of paper , ” Logsdon said .
Within minutes of the release of Logsdon ’ s comments , the White House scrambled to institute new procedures to insure that Trump ’ s Presidential Daily Briefs are placed right-side up on his Oval Office desk .
Reportedly , Jared Kushner will be tasked with entering Trump ’ s office first thing every morning and rotating all of the papers on his desk until they are in the optimal position @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , however , expressed skepticism about the new protocol .
“ It relies on Jared knowing when reading material is upside down , ” one source said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump may not have read a Presidential Daily Brief on the Russian bounty scheme because he holds reading material upside down, experts suggested on Wednesday.
After studying photographic evidence of Trump holding a book in that difficult-to-read position, Davis Logsdon, who studies literacy at the University of Minnesota, said that such a practice could have impeded the President’s ability to process information on his desk.
“If Trump is holding all of his Presidential Daily Briefs upside down, what is intended to be important intelligence requiring his urgent attention might, to him, appear to be little more than meaningless marks on a piece of paper,” Logsdon said.
Within minutes of the release of Logsdon’s comments, the White House scrambled to institute new procedures to insure that Trump’s Presidential Daily Briefs are placed right-side up on his Oval Office desk.
Reportedly, Jared Kushner will be tasked with entering Trump’s office first thing every morning and rotating all of the papers on his desk until they are in the optimal position for reading.
Some White House sources, however, expressed skepticism about the new protocol. “It relies on Jared knowing when reading material is upside down,” one source said.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-30--Trump Did Not Read Taliban Brief Because He Was Busy Not Reading Coronavirus Brief

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump did not read a Presidential Daily Brief about Russia paying Taliban militants to attack U.S. troops because he was busy not reading a Presidential Daily Brief about the coronavirus , the White House said on Monday .
Kayleigh McEnany , the White House press secretary , angrily accused reporters of being “ totally unaware ” of just how much Trump has to not read in a given day .
“ Day in , day out , the President has to ignore briefs on a wide range of subjects , ” McEnany said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ’ box is overflowing.
” “ I ’ d like to see any of you try to not read all of that stuff , ” she said .
“ It isn ’ t easy , especially when the briefs have words like ‘ URGENT ’ and ‘ MUST READ ’ stamped in big red letters on them.
” After lashing out at the press , McEnany saved her most blistering remarks for the authors of the Presidential Daily Briefs themselves .
“ Anyone who expects this President to find out something important by @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” she said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump did not read a Presidential Daily Brief about Russia paying Taliban militants to attack U.S. troops because he was busy not reading a Presidential Daily Brief about the coronavirus, the White House said on Monday.
Kayleigh McEnany, the White House press secretary, angrily accused reporters of being “totally unaware” of just how much Trump has to not read in a given day.
“Day in, day out, the President has to ignore briefs on a wide range of subjects,” McEnany said. “His ‘Do Not Read’ box is overflowing.”
“I’d like to see any of you try to not read all of that stuff,” she said. “It isn’t easy, especially when the briefs have words like ‘URGENT’ and ‘MUST READ’ stamped in big red letters on them.”
After lashing out at the press, McEnany saved her most blistering remarks for the authors of the Presidential Daily Briefs themselves. “Anyone who expects this President to find out something important by reading does not know Donald Trump,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-29--Trump to Retaliate Against Russia by Sending Jared Kushner to Advise Kremlin on Coronavirus Response

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an act of retaliation against the Russians for sponsoring Taliban attacks on U.S. troops in Afghanistan , Donald J. Trump is sending Jared Kushner to the Kremlin to offer advice on its coronavirus response , the White House confirmed on Monday .
“ To all those who thought that this President was not taking the Russians ’ actions seriously , this response should speak for itself , ” the White House press secretary , Kayleigh McEnany , said .
“ The President had an array of responses to choose from , and the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ most punishing.
” According to White House insiders , Trump and his advisers debated the response to the Russians for hours before finally settling on the Kushner option late Sunday night .
“ Jared Kushner is the most brutal weapon in our arsenal , and deploying him is a decision that no one should ever take lightly , ” one adviser said .
McEnany indicated that Kushner will be dispatched to the Kremlin by Monday afternoon and will start advising the Kremlin on ventilators , personal protective equipment , and other coronavirus-related matters @ @ @ @ @ @ @ will bring Russia to its knees , ” she said .
Many in Washington were surprised by the severity of Trump ’ s retaliation against the Russians , including the esteemed virologist Dr. Anthony Fauci .
“ I know that the Russians are our enemies , but I ’ m still not sure I would wish Jared Kushner on them , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an act of retaliation against the Russians for sponsoring Taliban attacks on U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Donald J. Trump is sending Jared Kushner to the Kremlin to offer advice on its coronavirus response, the White House confirmed on Monday.
“To all those who thought that this President was not taking the Russians’ actions seriously, this response should speak for itself,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “The President had an array of responses to choose from, and the one he selected is by far the most punishing.”
According to White House insiders, Trump and his advisers debated the response to the Russians for hours before finally settling on the Kushner option late Sunday night.
“Jared Kushner is the most brutal weapon in our arsenal, and deploying him is a decision that no one should ever take lightly,” one adviser said.
McEnany indicated that Kushner will be dispatched to the Kremlin by Monday afternoon and will start advising the Kremlin on ventilators, personal protective equipment, and other coronavirus-related matters as early as Tuesday.
“He will bring Russia to its knees,” she said.
Many in Washington were surprised by the severity of Trump’s retaliation against the Russians, including the esteemed virologist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
“I know that the Russians are our enemies, but I’m still not sure I would wish Jared Kushner on them,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-02--Putin Considering Not Running Trump for Reëlection

MOSCOW ( The Borowitz Report ) —Faced with “ deeply discouraging ” 2020 polls , Vladimir Putin is “ seriously considering ” not running Donald J. Trump for reëlection , according to Kremlin sources .
The Russian President had been holding out hope that Trump could somehow stop his precipitous slide in popularity , but a recent roundup of polls showing Joe Biden crushing him in several battleground states made Putin realize that “ his guy is a lost cause , ” one source said .
“ Putin has been talking about not running Trump for reëlection for months now @ @ @ @ @ @ @ s finally ready to pull the rip cord , ” the source added .
According to Kremlin insiders , Putin is actively mulling a number of possible Republican replacements for Trump , including Representative Devin Nunes , Senator Mitch McConnell , and Senator Rand Paul , but he does not relish the idea of making the switch .
“ You have to understand , Putin has spent years training Trump to be so obedient , ” the source said .
“ It ’ s going to be hard breaking in a new one @ @

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Faced with “deeply discouraging” 2020 polls, Vladimir Putin is “seriously considering” not running Donald J. Trump for reëlection, according to Kremlin sources.
The Russian President had been holding out hope that Trump could somehow stop his precipitous slide in popularity, but a recent roundup of polls showing Joe Biden crushing him in several battleground states made Putin realize that “his guy is a lost cause,” one source said.
“Putin has been talking about not running Trump for reëlection for months now, but it looks like he’s finally ready to pull the rip cord,” the source added.
According to Kremlin insiders, Putin is actively mulling a number of possible Republican replacements for Trump, including Representative Devin Nunes, Senator Mitch McConnell, and Senator Rand Paul, but he does not relish the idea of making the switch.
“You have to understand, Putin has spent years training Trump to be so obedient,” the source said. “It’s going to be hard breaking in a new one.”


theborowitzreport--2020-07-06--Pence Walks Out of “Hamilton” Again in Own Living Room

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Mike Pence ’ s turbulent relationship with “ Hamilton ” continued over the weekend , as he walked out of the Broadway show in his own living room .
Pence , who walked out after the Tony Award–winning musical in 2016 , when the cast tried to address him , told reporters that he tuned in to the streaming version of “ Hamilton ” on July 4th specifically to walk out of it once more .
“ I wanted to send the cast of ‘ Hamilton ’ a strong message , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ began , I turned to my wife and said , ‘ Mother , I ’ m out.
’ ” He immediately followed through on his threat , leaving Mrs. Pence alone in their living room for the next two and a half hours as she watched “ Hamilton ” in its entirety .
Pence dismissed reporters ’ questions about the limited impact of his gesture , since the cast of “ Hamilton ” was unable to see him get up from his couch and leave in a huff .
“ President Trump told @ @ @ @ @ @ @ room , and I am grateful for the opportunity to obey him , ” Pence said , adding that he intends to walk out of “ Hamilton ” again tonight .

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence’s turbulent relationship with “Hamilton” continued over the weekend, as he walked out of the Broadway show in his own living room.
Pence, who walked out after the Tony Award–winning musical in 2016, when the cast tried to address him, told reporters that he tuned in to the streaming version of “Hamilton” on July 4th specifically to walk out of it once more.
“I wanted to send the cast of ‘Hamilton’ a strong message,” Pence said. “The minute it began, I turned to my wife and said, ‘Mother, I’m out.’ ”
He immediately followed through on his threat, leaving Mrs. Pence alone in their living room for the next two and a half hours as she watched “Hamilton” in its entirety.
Pence dismissed reporters’ questions about the limited impact of his gesture, since the cast of “Hamilton” was unable to see him get up from his couch and leave in a huff.
“President Trump told me to walk out of my living room, and I am grateful for the opportunity to obey him,” Pence said, adding that he intends to walk out of “Hamilton” again tonight.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-07--Putin Admits Taking SATs for Trump

Putin Admits Taking SATs for Trump

MOSCOW ( The Borowitz Report ) —The firestorm of controversy swirling around the upcoming tell-all book by the President ’ s niece exploded on Tuesday , after Vladimir Putin revealed that he took the SATs for Donald J. Trump .
Putin said that he had hoped to keep his role in Trump ’ s college admission a secret , but , with the impending publication of Mary Trump ’ s book , “ it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.
” The Russian President said that , when young Donald Trump was applying to college @ @ @ @ @ @ @ making “ a few extra rubles ” by offering his services as a test-taker to wealthy but academically hopeless American high-school students .
“ I recall the day that I took Trump ’ s SATs as clearly as if it were yesterday , ” Putin said .
“ I totally aced them.
” As the years rolled by , Putin followed with intense interest the career of the man whose SATs he took .
“ I often asked myself , ‘ How will Donald Trump ever repay me for putting him on the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said , with a devilish smile .
“ As it turned out , I found a way.
” At the White House , the press secretary , Kayleigh McEnany , refused to address the Putin bombshell and instead questioned the authenticity of Mary Trump ’ s memoir .
“ No one named Trump has ever actually written a book , ” McEnany said .

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The firestorm of controversy swirling around the upcoming tell-all book by the President’s niece exploded on Tuesday, after Vladimir Putin revealed that he took the SATs for Donald J. Trump.
Putin said that he had hoped to keep his role in Trump’s college admission a secret, but, with the impending publication of Mary Trump’s book, “it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.”
The Russian President said that, when young Donald Trump was applying to college, in the nineteen-sixties, Putin was making “a few extra rubles” by offering his services as a test-taker to wealthy but academically hopeless American high-school students.
“I recall the day that I took Trump’s SATs as clearly as if it were yesterday,” Putin said. “I totally aced them.”
As the years rolled by, Putin followed with intense interest the career of the man whose SATs he took.
“I often asked myself, ‘How will Donald Trump ever repay me for putting him on the path to Wharton?’ ” Putin said, with a devilish smile. “As it turned out, I found a way.”
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, refused to address the Putin bombshell and instead questioned the authenticity of Mary Trump’s memoir. “No one named Trump has ever actually written a book,” McEnany said.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-07--Trump Freaks Out After Giant Statue of Obama Suddenly Appears on White House Lawn

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump “ totally freaked out ” on Tuesday morning , after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight , sources have confirmed .
Trump first discovered the statue , which stands approximately thirty feet tall , when he awoke to see the sculptural rendering of Obama ’ s face staring at him through his bedroom window .
Shaken , Trump immediately summoned his Secret Service detail to escort him down to the White House bunker , where he unsuccessfully tried to steady @ @ @ @ @ @ @ an emergency meeting of top White House advisers was convened , during which an increasingly agitated Trump demanded to know the origin of the mysterious Obama behemoth .
Trump , who theorized that the gargantuan statue had been placed on the White House grounds by either George Soros or Jeff Bezos , ordered that the imposing monument to his predecessor be torn down and disposed of at once .
Reached by reporters at his home , Obama said that he “ wasn ’ t sure ” that he deserved a statue , especially @ @ @ @ @ @ @ surprise at Trump ’ s decision to tear it down .
“ It ’ s not like him , ” Obama said .
“ He cares so much about history.
” Obama ’ s words did little to calm Trump , however , who reportedly ordered the Secret Service to foil any plot to deposit a giant statue of Hillary Clinton on the White House lawn .

Photograph from Picture Alliance / Alamy
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump “totally freaked out” on Tuesday morning, after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight, sources have confirmed.
Trump first discovered the statue, which stands approximately thirty feet tall, when he awoke to see the sculptural rendering of Obama’s face staring at him through his bedroom window.
Shaken, Trump immediately summoned his Secret Service detail to escort him down to the White House bunker, where he unsuccessfully tried to steady his nerves.
At 7 A.M., an emergency meeting of top White House advisers was convened, during which an increasingly agitated Trump demanded to know the origin of the mysterious Obama behemoth.
Trump, who theorized that the gargantuan statue had been placed on the White House grounds by either George Soros or Jeff Bezos, ordered that the imposing monument to his predecessor be torn down and disposed of at once.
Reached by reporters at his home, Obama said that he “wasn’t sure” that he deserved a statue, especially such a large one, but expressed surprise at Trump’s decision to tear it down.
“It’s not like him,” Obama said. “He cares so much about history.”
Obama’s words did little to calm Trump, however, who reportedly ordered the Secret Service to foil any plot to deposit a giant statue of Hillary Clinton on the White House lawn.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-08--Pence Accused of Taking Trump’s Coronavirus Tests for Him

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a scandal that threatens to upend Donald Trump ’ s Presidency @ @ @ @ @ Trump of paying Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him .
According @ @ @ @ @ Swapping Swabs : Trump ’ s Pandemic of Lies , ” when the subject of @ @ @ @ @ first came up , in March , Trump started casting about for a “ good @ @ @ @ @ him .
Trump considered several candidates for the ruse , including his son-in-law , Jared @ @ @ @ @ General , William Barr , but ultimately settled on Pence , who agreed to take @ @ @ @ @ of twenty-five dollars per result .
Reportedly , Pence initially balked at the proposal , @ @ @ @ @ would look bad ” if the truth about his taking Trump ’ s coronavirus tests @ @ @ @ @ brusquely shut him down .
“ I ’ ve never taken my own tests , @ @ @ @ @ going to start now , ” Trump allegedly snapped .

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—In a scandal that threatens to upend Donald Trump’s Presidency, a new book accuses Trump of paying Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him.
According to the book, “Swapping Swabs: Trump’s Pandemic of Lies,” when the subject of being tested for the virus first came up, in March, Trump started casting about for a “good test-taker” to substitute for him.
Trump considered several candidates for the ruse, including his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and the Attorney General, William Barr, but ultimately settled on Pence, who agreed to take the tests for the fee of twenty-five dollars per result.
Reportedly, Pence initially balked at the proposal, expressing concern that it “would look bad” if the truth about his taking Trump’s coronavirus tests came out, but Trump brusquely shut him down.
“I’ve never taken my own tests, and I’m not going to start now,” Trump allegedly snapped.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-09--Americans Overwhelmingly Favor Sending Trump Back to School in Fall

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Amid the debate over reopening the nation ’ s schools , a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would like Donald J. Trump to go back to school in the fall .
Due to social-distancing requirements , those surveyed agreed that there should be limits on class size when Trump returns to school , but that his class should be large enough to accommodate other education-starved students such as Jared Kushner , Rand Paul , and Betsy DeVos .
Although Americans acknowledge that the logistics of sending Trump back @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , the cost of his continuing lack of education is far greater , the poll indicates .
Americans were split on which school subjects they would like to see Trump focus on most when he returns to the classroom .
Science and math received the strongest support , but a substantial number of respondents also favored history , geography , and English .
Finally , if Trump is ordered back to school in the fall , a vast majority of respondents urged that steps be taken to insure that he does not send @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the debate over reopening the nation’s schools, a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would like Donald J. Trump to go back to school in the fall.
Due to social-distancing requirements, those surveyed agreed that there should be limits on class size when Trump returns to school, but that his class should be large enough to accommodate other education-starved students such as Jared Kushner, Rand Paul, and Betsy DeVos.
Although Americans acknowledge that the logistics of sending Trump back to school could be complicated and expensive, the cost of his continuing lack of education is far greater, the poll indicates.
Americans were split on which school subjects they would like to see Trump focus on most when he returns to the classroom.
Science and math received the strongest support, but a substantial number of respondents also favored history, geography, and English.
Finally, if Trump is ordered back to school in the fall, a vast majority of respondents urged that steps be taken to insure that he does not send someone else in his place.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-07-10--Trump Warns That Social Distancing in Schools Would Make It Harder for Students to Cheat Off One Ano

Trump Warns That Social Distancing in Schools Would Make It Harder for Students to Cheat Off One Another’s Papers

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Laying out his plans for reopening the nation ’ s schools in the fall , Donald J. Trump expressed concern that social distancing would make it “ really hard ” for students to cheat off one another ’ s papers .
Speaking to reporters at the White House , Trump said that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention ’ s recommendations for social distancing in schools “ would only work for students who can see their neighbor ’ s papers from six feet away.
” “ Unless your eyesight is really @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feet away or whatever you ’ re not going to be able to copy the other person ’ s answers , ” Trump said .
“ Especially if the person writes really small , which they sometimes do.
” Trump recommended that teachers test their students ’ eyesight on the first day of school to determine how far away they can sit from one another while still having a clear view of their neighbors ’ papers .
“ I don ’ t know why those beauties at the C.D.C .
didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
Responding to a reporter ’ s question , Trump said that he could not recall any time that other students tried to cheat off his papers .

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Laying out his plans for reopening the nation’s schools in the fall, Donald J. Trump expressed concern that social distancing would make it “really hard” for students to cheat off one another’s papers.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s recommendations for social distancing in schools “would only work for students who can see their neighbor’s papers from six feet away.”
“Unless your eyesight is really good, if you’re six feet away or whatever you’re not going to be able to copy the other person’s answers,” Trump said. “Especially if the person writes really small, which they sometimes do.”
Trump recommended that teachers test their students’ eyesight on the first day of school to determine how far away they can sit from one another while still having a clear view of their neighbors’ papers.
“I don’t know why those beauties at the C.D.C. didn’t think of this,” he said.
Responding to a reporter’s question, Trump said that he could not recall any time that other students tried to cheat off his papers.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-13--Trump Replaces Fauci with Chuck Woolery

Trump Replaces Fauci with Chuck Woolery

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a stunning repudiation of the nation ’ s leading infectious-disease expert , Donald J. Trump has replaced Dr. Anthony Fauci with the veteran game-show host Chuck Woolery .
Appearing at the White House with his newest Coronavirus Task Force member , Trump said that he chose Woolery because he has “ a much better record of success than Tony.
” “ Tony Fauci is a nice guy , but he ’ s been wrong a lot , ” Trump said .
“ Chuck has made thousands of love connections that turned out a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ first official act as part of the Coronavirus Task Force would be to eliminate social distancing , calling the practice “ ridiculous.
” “ How are you supposed to go on a date and stay six feet apart ?
” Woolery asked .
“ If we had social distancing on ‘ Love Connection , ’ we wouldn ’ t have lasted a single episode.
” He also previewed his approach to clinical trials for potential coronavirus vaccines .
“ We ’ ll inject each contestant with three vaccines and see which one he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he said .
“ The audience is gon na eat that up.
” Woolery concluded his appearance without taking any questions from reporters , saying , “ We ’ ll be back in two and two .
”

Photograph by Carlo Allegri / Game Show Network / Getty
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning repudiation of the nation’s leading infectious-disease expert, Donald J. Trump has replaced Dr. Anthony Fauci with the veteran game-show host Chuck Woolery.
Appearing at the White House with his newest Coronavirus Task Force member, Trump said that he chose Woolery because he has “a much better record of success than Tony.”
“Tony Fauci is a nice guy, but he’s been wrong a lot,” Trump said. “Chuck has made thousands of love connections that turned out a hundred-per-cent right.”
Woolery said that his first official act as part of the Coronavirus Task Force would be to eliminate social distancing, calling the practice “ridiculous.”
“How are you supposed to go on a date and stay six feet apart?” Woolery asked. “If we had social distancing on ‘Love Connection,’ we wouldn’t have lasted a single episode.”
He also previewed his approach to clinical trials for potential coronavirus vaccines. “We’ll inject each contestant with three vaccines and see which one he’s most compatible with,” he said. “The audience is gonna eat that up.”
Woolery concluded his appearance without taking any questions from reporters, saying, “We’ll be back in two and two.”


theborowitzreport--2020-07-13--Betsy DeVos Promises to Protect Children from Education

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Betsy DeVos vowed on Sunday to do everything in her power as Secretary of Education to protect the nation ’ s children from education .
In an interview on CNN , DeVos said many parents were “ understandably concerned ” that , if their children return to school in the fall , they might be exposed to learning .
“ That will not happen on my watch , ” she promised .
“ We are working around the clock at the Department of Education to keep your children safe from comprehension.
” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ strict distancing measures to ensure that America ’ s students are as distanced as possible from anything resembling a curriculum when they return to school .
“ If it means eliminating books , computers , or even teachers , your kids will be distanced , ” she said .
Raising a worst-case scenario , DeVos said that , if knowledge is somehow transmitted to students , “ I will shut down that school in a minute.
” “ We will be doing a lot of testing , ” DeVos said .
“ If @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , then I have failed .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Betsy DeVos vowed on Sunday to do everything in her power as Secretary of Education to protect the nation’s children from education.
In an interview on CNN, DeVos said many parents were “understandably concerned” that, if their children return to school in the fall, they might be exposed to learning.
“That will not happen on my watch,” she promised. “We are working around the clock at the Department of Education to keep your children safe from comprehension.”
DeVos said that her staff had drafted strict distancing measures to ensure that America’s students are as distanced as possible from anything resembling a curriculum when they return to school.
“If it means eliminating books, computers, or even teachers, your kids will be distanced,” she said.
Raising a worst-case scenario, DeVos said that, if knowledge is somehow transmitted to students, “I will shut down that school in a minute.”
“We will be doing a lot of testing,” DeVos said. “If students’ test scores somehow go up, then I have failed.”


theborowitzreport--2020-07-14--Florida Governor Orders All Children to Work at Walmart and Home Depot This Fall

TALLAHASSEE ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling his decision a “ game changer , ” Florida ’ s governor announced on Tuesday that he was ordering all of the state ’ s children to work at Walmart and Home Depot in the fall .
“ If we can do Walmart and we can do Home Depot , we can definitely do your children working at Walmart and Home Depot , ” Governor Ron DeSantis declared .
Explaining the rationale behind his order , DeSantis said that sending children to work at the two big-box stores would have the “ exact @ @ @ @ @ @ @ school—namely “ getting them out of the house.
” “ To the parents of Florida , let me say , ‘ You ’ re welcome , ’ ” he said .
Touting other benefits of his plan , DeSantis claimed , “ I think this is going to be a great educational experience for our kids.
” “ I think it should be a goal of this state to teach every first grader how to do inventory , ” he said .
“ Inventory is just a fancy word for math.
” Additionally @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of lumber at Home Depot would be “ an excellent substitute for phys .
ed.
” “ I wish I had thought of this sooner , ” DeSantis said .
“ These kids are going to be so good with hammers , nails , and wood that they could have built the stage at the Republican National Convention.
” The governor was dismissive of a reporter who asked whether forcing children to work at Walmart and Home Depot would be a violation of child-labor laws .
“ As our great President has shown @ @ @ @ @ @ @ not a time for laws , ” DeSantis said .

TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his decision a “game changer,” Florida’s governor announced on Tuesday that he was ordering all of the state’s children to work at Walmart and Home Depot in the fall.
“If we can do Walmart and we can do Home Depot, we can definitely do your children working at Walmart and Home Depot,” Governor Ron DeSantis declared.
Explaining the rationale behind his order, DeSantis said that sending children to work at the two big-box stores would have the “exact same result” as sending them to school—namely “getting them out of the house.”
“To the parents of Florida, let me say, ‘You’re welcome,’ ” he said.
Touting other benefits of his plan, DeSantis claimed, “I think this is going to be a great educational experience for our kids.”
“I think it should be a goal of this state to teach every first grader how to do inventory,” he said. “Inventory is just a fancy word for math.”
Additionally, he said that hauling large planks of lumber at Home Depot would be “an excellent substitute for phys. ed.”
“I wish I had thought of this sooner,” DeSantis said. “These kids are going to be so good with hammers, nails, and wood that they could have built the stage at the Republican National Convention.”
The governor was dismissive of a reporter who asked whether forcing children to work at Walmart and Home Depot would be a violation of child-labor laws. “As our great President has shown time and time again, this is not a time for laws,” DeSantis said.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-15--Trump Claims Biden Could Never Have a Pandemic As Big As His

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Trying out a new line of attack against the former Vice-President , @ @ @ @ @ that Joe Biden could never have a pandemic as big as his .
“ Biden @ @ @ @ @ and had all the time in the world to have a pandemic , ” Trump @ @ @ @ @ his pandemic ?
” By contrast , Trump asserted , “ In just a few @ @ @ @ @ built the biggest pandemic this country has seen in a hundred years.
” “ People @ @ @ @ @ about my pandemic for generations to come , ” Trump said .
“ What did @ @ @ @ @ flu ?
What a joke.
” Trump said that Biden ’ s failure to have @ @ @ @ @ home about ” makes him a “ terrible choice ” to be President .
“ @ @ @ @ @ and built an amazing pandemic , but if Biden gets in , all that goes @ @ @ @ @ .

WASHINGTON, D.C.(The Borowitz Report)—Trying out a new line of attack against the former Vice-President, Donald Trump said on Wednesday that Joe Biden could never have a pandemic as big as his.
“Biden was Vice-President for eight years and had all the time in the world to have a pandemic,” Trump said. “Where was his pandemic?”
By contrast, Trump asserted, “In just a few months, I’ve built the biggest pandemic this country has seen in a hundred years.”
“People are going to be talking about my pandemic for generations to come,” Trump said. “What did Biden ever have? Swine flu? What a joke.”
Trump said that Biden’s failure to have “any pandemic worth writing home about” makes him a “terrible choice” to be President.
“I’ve worked hard and built an amazing pandemic, but if Biden gets in, all that goes away,” he warned.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-16--Georgia Governor Orders Statewide Ban on Science

ATLANTA ( The Borowitz Report ) —In his latest response to the coronavirus pandemic , Georgia ’ s governor , Brian Kemp , has issued a sweeping statewide ban on science .
“ Over the past few weeks , scientific information has been spreading throughout the state of Georgia like wildfire , ” Kemp said .
“ We need to flatten the truth curve.
” Under the executive order , Georgians can be fined as much as five hundred dollars for visiting Web sites containing evidence-based information .
Additionally , Kemp is issuing a stay-at-home order for all Georgians planning @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
The governor said that Georgians could once again visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Web site “ as soon as the rest of its data has been safely removed.
” Kemp ’ s zero-tolerance policy on science drew strong praise from his Republican colleague Donald J. Trump .
“ Congratulations to Brian Kemp for having the guts to get tough on science , unlike those beauties Andrew Cuomo , Jay Inslee , and that woman from Michigan , ” he tweeted .
Trump ’ s support has reportedly emboldened Kemp @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a statewide ban on integers .

ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest response to the coronavirus pandemic, Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp, has issued a sweeping statewide ban on science.
“Over the past few weeks, scientific information has been spreading throughout the state of Georgia like wildfire,” Kemp said. “We need to flatten the truth curve.”
Under the executive order, Georgians can be fined as much as five hundred dollars for visiting Web sites containing evidence-based information.
Additionally, Kemp is issuing a stay-at-home order for all Georgians planning a trip to a library or bookstore.
The governor said that Georgians could once again visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Web site “as soon as the rest of its data has been safely removed.”
Kemp’s zero-tolerance policy on science drew strong praise from his Republican colleague Donald J. Trump.
“Congratulations to Brian Kemp for having the guts to get tough on science, unlike those beauties Andrew Cuomo, Jay Inslee, and that woman from Michigan,” he tweeted.
Trump’s support has reportedly emboldened Kemp, who is said to be considering a statewide ban on integers.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-17--Trump Sues the Coronavirus for Treating Him Unfairly

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Alleging that it “ has treated me very unfairly , ” Donald J. Trump announced on Friday that he is suing the coronavirus .
“ This is a very nasty virus , and by that I mean it has been nasty to me personally , ” Trump told reporters .
“ I never thought that there could be anything more terrible than Jim Acosta , but the coronavirus is like an invisible Jim Acosta.
” Offering a preview of his lawsuit , Trump said that he was accusing the coronavirus of meddling in the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the numbers and , every time the virus ’ s numbers go up , my numbers go down , ” he said .
“ This virus is trying to rig the election for Sleepy Joe.
” Trump said that he was prepared to take his case against the coronavirus all the way to the Supreme Court , claiming , “ My case is so perfect , even those ungrateful beauties Kavanaugh and Gorsuch will side with me.
” Relations between Trump and the virus have reportedly grown so strained that he no longer @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of the Coronavirus Task Force .
At the White House , the press secretary , Kayleigh McEnany , said that Trump felt “ deeply betrayed ” by the coronavirus .
“ COVID-19 would not be what it is today without President Trump , ” she said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alleging that it “has treated me very unfairly,” Donald J. Trump announced on Friday that he is suing the coronavirus.
“This is a very nasty virus, and by that I mean it has been nasty to me personally,” Trump told reporters. “I never thought that there could be anything more terrible than Jim Acosta, but the coronavirus is like an invisible Jim Acosta.”
Offering a preview of his lawsuit, Trump said that he was accusing the coronavirus of meddling in the 2020 election.
“You look at the numbers and, every time the virus’s numbers go up, my numbers go down,” he said. “This virus is trying to rig the election for Sleepy Joe.”
Trump said that he was prepared to take his case against the coronavirus all the way to the Supreme Court, claiming, “My case is so perfect, even those ungrateful beauties Kavanaugh and Gorsuch will side with me.”
Relations between Trump and the virus have reportedly grown so strained that he no longer allows discussions of the coronavirus at meetings of the Coronavirus Task Force.
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said that Trump felt “deeply betrayed” by the coronavirus.
“COVID-19 would not be what it is today without President Trump,” she said.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-18--Trump Replaces Mary Trump with Kayleigh McEnany as Niece

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In the latest shakeup in his inner circle , Donald Trump has named the @ @ @ @ @ Kayleigh McEnany , to the position of niece , replacing Mary Trump , effective immediately @ @ @ @ @ a half months to go until the election , replacing family members could be seen @ @ @ @ @ , political insiders said .
But , according to a White House source , the @ @ @ @ @ with McEnany was a “ no-brainer.
” “ The President wanted a niece who could @ @ @ @ @ has proven every day that she can do that , ” the source said .
@ @ @ @ @ role as press secretary in addition to niece , and will refer to Trump as @ @ @ @ @ for Mary Trump , she will remain a member of the Trump family , but @ @ @ @ @ to third cousin .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest shakeup in his inner circle, Donald Trump has named the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, to the position of niece, replacing Mary Trump, effective immediately.
With only three and a half months to go until the election, replacing family members could be seen as a sign of desperation, political insiders said.
But, according to a White House source, the decision to replace Mary Trump with McEnany was a “no-brainer.”
“The President wanted a niece who could rewrite history, and Kayleigh has proven every day that she can do that,” the source said.
McEnany will continue in her role as press secretary in addition to niece, and will refer to Trump as “Uncle President.”
As for Mary Trump, she will remain a member of the Trump family, but has been demoted from niece to third cousin.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-20--Trump Says He Will Eventually Be Right About the Coronavirus Going Away When There Is No Human Life

Trump Says He Will Eventually Be Right About the Coronavirus Going Away When There Is No Human Life Left on Planet

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump said on Sunday that he will eventually be right about the coronavirus going away when there is no human life left on the face of the earth .
Speaking to Chris Wallace on “ Fox News Sunday , ” Trump said that , once there are no living humans left for it to infect , “ like I have said before , the virus will just disappear , like a miracle.
” “ The virus isn ’ t stupid , ” Trump said .
“ It wants to infect people .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ to infect , it ’ s not going to hang around doing nothing .
It ’ s going to go away .
And then I ’ ll be right.
” Trump added that , when the planet Earth no longer has any trace of human life , “ I ’ ll have the last laugh.
” “ In a way , it ’ s too bad that those beauties in the fake news media like Jim Acosta will be extinct at that point , because I wish they could be alive to see @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he added .
“ But I guess you can ’ t have everything.
” Trump offered no timeline for the disappearance of all human life from the planet , saying only , “ We ’ re moving quite strongly and powerfully on that .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump said on Sunday that he will eventually be right about the coronavirus going away when there is no human life left on the face of the earth.
Speaking to Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday,” Trump said that, once there are no living humans left for it to infect, “like I have said before, the virus will just disappear, like a miracle.”
“The virus isn’t stupid,” Trump said. “It wants to infect people. And when there are no people left to infect, it’s not going to hang around doing nothing. It’s going to go away. And then I’ll be right.”
Trump added that, when the planet Earth no longer has any trace of human life, “I’ll have the last laugh.”
“In a way, it’s too bad that those beauties in the fake news media like Jim Acosta will be extinct at that point, because I wish they could be alive to see how I was eventually right,” he added. “But I guess you can’t have everything.”
Trump offered no timeline for the disappearance of all human life from the planet, saying only, “We’re moving quite strongly and powerfully on that.”


theborowitzreport--2020-07-21--Feds in Unmarked Van Looking for Suspicious Characters Pick Up Jared Kushner

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In what the Department of Homeland Security is calling “ an unfortunate incident , ” federal agents in an unmarked van who were looking for suspicious characters snatched Jared Kushner off the street .
According to the agents , the van was patrolling the vicinity of the White House when they spotted a “ shifty-eyed male ” who “ didn ’ t look right.
” “ He checked all the boxes for suspicious , ” one of the agents said .
“ He definitely didn ’ t look like someone who should be anywhere @ @ @ @ @ @ @ protests of a screaming Kushner , the agents loaded him into the van and sped away to an undisclosed location .
According to White House sources , Kushner was missing for several hours before anyone in the West Wing realized he was gone .
His disappearance was finally noticed late in the afternoon , when members of the White House coronavirus task force observed that their daily meeting had gone “ more smoothly than usual.
” Speaking to reporters about the Kushner incident , the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security @ @ @ @ @ @ @ practice of picking up random people on the street and putting them in unmarked vans is a “ terrific idea , ” but acknowledged that it might need to be “ tweaked.
” “ Our agents need to be given much more explicit guidance about who qualifies as a suspicious character , or Stephen Miller could be next , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what the Department of Homeland Security is calling “an unfortunate incident,” federal agents in an unmarked van who were looking for suspicious characters snatched Jared Kushner off the street.
According to the agents, the van was patrolling the vicinity of the White House when they spotted a “shifty-eyed male” who “didn’t look right.”
“He checked all the boxes for suspicious,” one of the agents said. “He definitely didn’t look like someone who should be anywhere near the White House.”
Despite the protests of a screaming Kushner, the agents loaded him into the van and sped away to an undisclosed location.
According to White House sources, Kushner was missing for several hours before anyone in the West Wing realized he was gone.
His disappearance was finally noticed late in the afternoon, when members of the White House coronavirus task force observed that their daily meeting had gone “more smoothly than usual.”
Speaking to reporters about the Kushner incident, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that the practice of picking up random people on the street and putting them in unmarked vans is a “terrific idea,” but acknowledged that it might need to be “tweaked.”
“Our agents need to be given much more explicit guidance about who qualifies as a suspicious character, or Stephen Miller could be next,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-22--In Major Setback for Trump, Court Rules He May Send Troops Only to Cities He Can Identify on Map

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In what is widely seen as a major setback for Donald J. Trump , a federal district court has ruled that he may send Department of Homeland Security agents only to cities that he can correctly identify on a map .
According to the ruling , before Trump can deploy forces to any American city , he must first indicate their intended destination on an unmarked map and can not let anyone else take this test for him .
White House sources said that , after the ruling was announced , a furious Trump @ @ @ @ @ @ @ map of the United States and a Sharpie .
After hovering his marker over the map for more than an hour , Trump finally brought it down on what he thought was Detroit but was , in actuality , East Hampton , New York .
In East Hampton , a town board member , Carol Foyler , expressed concern about Trump ’ s decision to send D.H.S .
agents to the beach community .
“ At this time of year , I think it will be next to impossible for them to find @ @ @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is widely seen as a major setback for Donald J. Trump, a federal district court has ruled that he may send Department of Homeland Security agents only to cities that he can correctly identify on a map.
According to the ruling, before Trump can deploy forces to any American city, he must first indicate their intended destination on an unmarked map and cannot let anyone else take this test for him.
White House sources said that, after the ruling was announced, a furious Trump repaired to the Oval Office with a map of the United States and a Sharpie.
After hovering his marker over the map for more than an hour, Trump finally brought it down on what he thought was Detroit but was, in actuality, East Hampton, New York.
In East Hampton, a town board member, Carol Foyler, expressed concern about Trump’s decision to send D.H.S. agents to the beach community.
“At this time of year, I think it will be next to impossible for them to find a rental,” she said.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-07-23--Confused Federal Agents Unable to Determine Which Unmarked Van In D.H.S. Garage Is Theirs

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump ’ s plan to dispatch troops to several American cities has hit a major snag , as federal agents have been unable to determine which unmarked van in the Department of Homeland Security parking garage is theirs .
According to one agent who spoke on condition of anonymity , hundreds of agents are currently wandering around the huge D.H.S .
garage in Washington , fruitlessly attempting to locate the correct unmarked van .
“ It ’ s like a baggage-claim nightmare , ” the agent complained .
“ Many unmarked vans look @ @ @ @ @ @ @ cities “ seemed like a really cool idea at first , ” the ensuing confusion might be a compelling reason to “ maybe think about going with marked vans instead , ” the frustrated agent said .
Speaking to reporters , the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security , Chad Wolf , said that agents ’ inability to locate the correct unmarked vans had been “ exaggerated , ” and added that he was working with the D.H.S .
laundry to insure that agents stop receiving other agents ’ unmarked uniforms @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump’s plan to dispatch troops to several American cities has hit a major snag, as federal agents have been unable to determine which unmarked van in the Department of Homeland Security parking garage is theirs.
According to one agent who spoke on condition of anonymity, hundreds of agents are currently wandering around the huge D.H.S. garage in Washington, fruitlessly attempting to locate the correct unmarked van.
“It’s like a baggage-claim nightmare,” the agent complained. “Many unmarked vans look alike.”
Although sending unmarked vans to cities “seemed like a really cool idea at first,” the ensuing confusion might be a compelling reason to “maybe think about going with marked vans instead,” the frustrated agent said.
Speaking to reporters, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that agents’ inability to locate the correct unmarked vans had been “exaggerated,” and added that he was working with the D.H.S. laundry to insure that agents stop receiving other agents’ unmarked uniforms.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-24--Trump to Throw Out First Amendment at Yankee Stadium

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an event that he described as “ historic , ” Donald J. Trump announced that he will throw out the First Amendment at Yankee Stadium next month .
“ It ’ s going to be an amazing and fantastic thing I ’ ll be doing , ” Trump said .
“ I ’ ve asked a lot of history experts , and they all say that no President has thrown out an amendment before.
” “ Obama was President for eight years and never threw out an amendment , ” he said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ that he had considered throwing out the First Amendment “ many , many times before ” but had ultimately decided to preserve freedom of the press for his friends at Fox News .
“ But , thanks to that beauty Chris Wallace , now I know that Fox is just as nasty and fake as the rest , ” he said .
“ The only real journalist left is that nice lady at OAN.
” When asked how he is preparing for his Yankee Stadium appearance , Trump said that he is consulting @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in throwing out laws .
“ I had a terrific conversation with Vladimir Putin , ” Trump said .
“ They don ’ t have a First Amendment in Russia , but he said that , if they did , he would definitely throw it out .
So that made me feel good.
” Trump grew misty-eyed as he contemplated his upcoming visit to Yankee Stadium .
“ I can ’ t believe I ’ ll be throwing out the First Amendment , ” he said .
“ Every little boy dreams of @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an event that he described as “historic,” Donald J. Trump announced that he will throw out the First Amendment at Yankee Stadium next month.
“It’s going to be an amazing and fantastic thing I’ll be doing,” Trump said. “I’ve asked a lot of history experts, and they all say that no President has thrown out an amendment before.”
“Obama was President for eight years and never threw out an amendment,” he said. “What a loser.”
Trump said that he had considered throwing out the First Amendment “many, many times before” but had ultimately decided to preserve freedom of the press for his friends at Fox News.
“But, thanks to that beauty Chris Wallace, now I know that Fox is just as nasty and fake as the rest,” he said. “The only real journalist left is that nice lady at OAN.”
When asked how he is preparing for his Yankee Stadium appearance, Trump said that he is consulting with other world leaders who are experienced in throwing out laws.
“I had a terrific conversation with Vladimir Putin,” Trump said. “They don’t have a First Amendment in Russia, but he said that, if they did, he would definitely throw it out. So that made me feel good.”
Trump grew misty-eyed as he contemplated his upcoming visit to Yankee Stadium.
“I can’t believe I’ll be throwing out the First Amendment,” he said. “Every little boy dreams of this.”


theborowitzreport--2020-07-27--Rand Paul Thanks Tom Cotton for Replacing Him as Most Hated Person in Senate

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling it the “ passing of the baton , ” Senator Rand Paul on Monday thanked Senator Tom Cotton for replacing him as the most hated person in the United States Senate .
Paul expressed surprise and no small amount of admiration at Cotton ’ s feat , telling reporters that being ousted from the most-detested perch was “ something that , quite frankly , I didn ’ t see coming.
” “ When I started attacking Dr. Fauci , I pretty much thought I had the title sewn up , ” Paul said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ count on was that someone like Tom was going to come out of nowhere , saying slavery was necessary.
” According to Senate insiders , Cotton beat out a daunting field of competitors for Senator Paul ’ s crown , including Mitch McConnell , Susan Collins , and Ted Cruz .
While he praised Cotton ’ s audacity in snatching the most-loathed mantle , Paul warned that keeping the title for the long haul is another challenge altogether .
“ Becoming despised is easy—staying despised is what separates the men from the boys @ @ @ @ @ @ @ said that , I firmly believe that Tom Cotton has what it takes .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “passing of the baton,” Senator Rand Paul on Monday thanked Senator Tom Cotton for replacing him as the most hated person in the United States Senate.
Paul expressed surprise and no small amount of admiration at Cotton’s feat, telling reporters that being ousted from the most-detested perch was “something that, quite frankly, I didn’t see coming.”
“When I started attacking Dr. Fauci, I pretty much thought I had the title sewn up,” Paul said. “What I didn’t count on was that someone like Tom was going to come out of nowhere, saying slavery was necessary.”
According to Senate insiders, Cotton beat out a daunting field of competitors for Senator Paul’s crown, including Mitch McConnell, Susan Collins, and Ted Cruz.
While he praised Cotton’s audacity in snatching the most-loathed mantle, Paul warned that keeping the title for the long haul is another challenge altogether.
“Becoming despised is easy—staying despised is what separates the men from the boys,” Paul said. “Having said that, I firmly believe that Tom Cotton has what it takes.”


theborowitzreport--2020-07-25--Obama Passes Cognitive Test by Reciting the First Fifty Digits of Pi

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Barack Obama recently passed a cognitive test that required him to recite the first fifty digits of pi , the former President has disclosed .
Obama took the test voluntarily , he said , in order to reassure his employers at Netflix that he was “ of sound mind.
” “ Netflix has made a big investment in me as a producer , and I thought it was important for them to know that I was all right upstairs , ” Obama said .
The former President said that he enjoyed taking the test @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to memorize and then recite a hundred verses of the Iliad .
“ That was actually a lot of fun , ” Obama said .
“ Greek is such a beautiful language.
” Although he passed the test , Obama said that there were moments when he felt “ rusty ” and “ not as sharp as I was back in the day.
” “ I definitely need to do some more mental exercises , ” he said .
“ One hour of three-dimensional chess with Bill Gates every morning isn ’ t @ @ @ @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Barack Obama recently passed a cognitive test that required him to recite the first fifty digits of pi, the former President has disclosed.
Obama took the test voluntarily, he said, in order to reassure his employers at Netflix that he was “of sound mind.”
“Netflix has made a big investment in me as a producer, and I thought it was important for them to know that I was all right upstairs,” Obama said.
The former President said that he enjoyed taking the test, including a section that required him to memorize and then recite a hundred verses of the Iliad.
“That was actually a lot of fun,” Obama said. “Greek is such a beautiful language.”
Although he passed the test, Obama said that there were moments when he felt “rusty” and “not as sharp as I was back in the day.”
“I definitely need to do some more mental exercises,” he said. “One hour of three-dimensional chess with Bill Gates every morning isn’t getting it done.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-07-28--William Barr Denies Testifying Before Congress

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Attorney General William Barr stirred controversy on Tuesday by categorically denying during his congressional testimony that he was testifying before Congress .
“ I am not now nor have I ever testified before the House Judiciary Committee , ” Barr told the House Judiciary Committee .
“ Any suggestion to the contrary is a flat-out lie.
” After the chairman of the committee , Representative Jerrold Nadler , claimed that he could see Barr sitting several feet away from him , Barr came out swinging .
“ I am not going to respond to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ may not be sitting at any given moment , ” Barr retorted .
Barr ’ s steadfast denial that he was testifying before Congress drew the ire of Nadler , who said that Barr ’ s prevarication was unbecoming of the Attorney General of the United States .
Barr ’ s response was swift and fierce .
“ I am not the Attorney General , and any assertion that I am is patently absurd , ” he said .
At the end of the hearing , one of Barr ’ s fellow-Republicans on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ apologized to Barr for the going-over he had received from Democrats .
“ Given how badly you were treated today , I don ’ t blame you one bit for not being here , ” Jordan said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr stirred controversy on Tuesday by categorically denying during his congressional testimony that he was testifying before Congress.
“I am not now nor have I ever testified before the House Judiciary Committee,” Barr told the House Judiciary Committee. “Any suggestion to the contrary is a flat-out lie.”
After the chairman of the committee, Representative Jerrold Nadler, claimed that he could see Barr sitting several feet away from him, Barr came out swinging.
“I am not going to respond to hypothetical questions about where I may or may not be sitting at any given moment,” Barr retorted.
Barr’s steadfast denial that he was testifying before Congress drew the ire of Nadler, who said that Barr’s prevarication was unbecoming of the Attorney General of the United States.
Barr’s response was swift and fierce. “I am not the Attorney General, and any assertion that I am is patently absurd,” he said.
At the end of the hearing, one of Barr’s fellow-Republicans on the committee, Representative Jim Jordan, apologized to Barr for the going-over he had received from Democrats.
“Given how badly you were treated today, I don’t blame you one bit for not being here,” Jordan said.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-28--Trump Accuses Fauci of Using Fifty Years of Experience as Doctor to Win People’s Trust

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Unveiling a new conspiracy theory , Donald Trump on Tuesday accused Anthony Fauci of using his fifty years of experience as a doctor to win people ’ s trust .
Appearing on Fox News , Trump would not disclose the source of the theory , saying only , “ This is something a lot of people are talking about.
” “ Tony Fauci graduated first in his medical school class , in 1966 , because he knew that would make him look good someday , ” Trump told Sean Hannity .
“ He ’ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , long time.
” Fauci went on to become a leading epidemiologist as part of a carefully plotted scheme to give himself credibility , Trump alleged .
“ He spent years working on H.I.V.
, AIDS , Ebola , you name it , ” Trump charged .
“ Anthony Fauci would stop at nothing to make himself look like an expert.
” Trump said he was baffled by polls showing that Americans overwhelmingly trust Fauci more than him when it comes to the coronavirus pandemic .
“ There is zero difference between me @ @ @ @ @ @ @ years of so-called medical experience , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Unveiling a new conspiracy theory, Donald Trump on Tuesday accused Anthony Fauci of using his fifty years of experience as a doctor to win people’s trust.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump would not disclose the source of the theory, saying only, “This is something a lot of people are talking about.”
“Tony Fauci graduated first in his medical school class, in 1966, because he knew that would make him look good someday,” Trump told Sean Hannity. “He’s been planning this for a long, long time.”
Fauci went on to become a leading epidemiologist as part of a carefully plotted scheme to give himself credibility, Trump alleged.
“He spent years working on H.I.V., AIDS, Ebola, you name it,” Trump charged. “Anthony Fauci would stop at nothing to make himself look like an expert.”
Trump said he was baffled by polls showing that Americans overwhelmingly trust Fauci more than him when it comes to the coronavirus pandemic.
“There is zero difference between me and Tony Fauci, except for fifty years of so-called medical experience,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-07-29--Aliens Issue Statement Asserting That Sex with Them Does Not Spread the Coronavirus

OUTER SPACE ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a rare public statement by beings from another planet , a group @ @ @ @ @ Wednesday that having sex with them does not spread the coronavirus .
In the statement @ @ @ @ @ on Medium , the space creatures expressed concern that the dissemination of pseudoscience about sex @ @ @ @ @ might cause some Earthlings to erroneously conclude that intimate relations with aliens were in some @ @ @ @ @ “ We can assure you , based on years of research , that it is @ @ @ @ @ have sex with aliens , ” the aliens wrote .
“ In this , as @ @ @ @ @ ’ s important to follow the science.
” The extraterrestrials added that the coronavirus pandemic @ @ @ @ @ their planned invasion of the planet Earth , which had been pencilled in for later @ @ @ @ @ indicated that they would now limit their invasion to places like Canada and New Zealand @ @ @ @ @ United States .

OUTER SPACE (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement by beings from another planet, a group of prominent aliens declared on Wednesday that having sex with them does not spread the coronavirus.
In the statement, which the aliens published on Medium, the space creatures expressed concern that the dissemination of pseudoscience about sex with demons and alien DNA might cause some Earthlings to erroneously conclude that intimate relations with aliens were in some way a health risk.
“We can assure you, based on years of research, that it is perfectly safe for Earthlings to have sex with aliens,” the aliens wrote. “In this, as in all matters, it’s important to follow the science.”
The extraterrestrials added that the coronavirus pandemic had caused them to rethink their planned invasion of the planet Earth, which had been pencilled in for later this year.
The aliens indicated that they would now limit their invasion to places like Canada and New Zealand, but would avoid the United States.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-07-31--Fauci Would Have Thought Twice About Career in Medicine Had He Known It Meant Someday Talking to Jim

Fauci Would Have Thought Twice About Career in Medicine Had He Known It Meant Someday Talking to Jim Jordan

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Dr .
Anthony Fauci said on Friday that he would have “ thought twice ” about pursuing a career in medicine had he known that it would lead to his talking someday to Representative Jim Jordan .
Speaking to reporters after his congressional testimony , Fauci said that , during his appearance in the hearing room , he had been revisiting the series of life choices that had resulted in his being forced to hear Jordan speak .
“ I could have done so many other things with my life , ” the esteemed @ @ @ @ @ @ @ been a firefighter .
I was actually a pretty good dancer back in the day .
I could have given that a shot.
” Reflecting on those roads not taken , Fauci added , “ Had I chosen any of those fields , you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn ’ t have spent today having to listen to Jim Jordan .
Those are minutes I ’ ll never get back.
” Fauci clarified that he was “ very grateful ” for his career as an an epidemiologist but added , “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ If I were a professional dancer , there ’ s about a zero-per-cent chance I would ever be in the same room as Jim Jordan .
Oh , well—it is what it is .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Friday that he would have “thought twice” about pursuing a career in medicine had he known that it would lead to his talking someday to Representative Jim Jordan.
Speaking to reporters after his congressional testimony, Fauci said that, during his appearance in the hearing room, he had been revisiting the series of life choices that had resulted in his being forced to hear Jordan speak.
“I could have done so many other things with my life,” the esteemed virologist said. “I could have been a firefighter. I was actually a pretty good dancer back in the day. I could have given that a shot.”
Reflecting on those roads not taken, Fauci added, “Had I chosen any of those fields, you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t have spent today having to listen to Jim Jordan. Those are minutes I’ll never get back.”
Fauci clarified that he was “very grateful” for his career as an an epidemiologist but added, “Let’s not kid ourselves. If I were a professional dancer, there’s about a zero-per-cent chance I would ever be in the same room as Jim Jordan. Oh, well—it is what it is.”


theborowitzreport--2020-07-31--Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Month of November

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump stirred controversy on Friday by signing an executive order that would ban @ @ @ @ @ While legal scholars protested that he did not have the right to reduce the number @ @ @ @ @ from twelve to eleven , Trump argued that “ the Constitution doesn ’ t say @ @ @ @ @ you have to have.
” “ All of those smart guys like Jefferson and Madison @ @ @ @ @ is something they didn ’ t think of , ” he said .
“ I @ @ @ @ @ ” Trump said that eliminating November from the calendar was “ long overdue , ” @ @ @ @ @ month.
” “ November is a hoax , ” he said .
“ Some people @ @ @ @ @ be a real month.
” Responding to a reporter ’ s question about the future @ @ @ @ @ that “ nobody will miss it.
” “ Just ask anyone in this country , @ @ @ @ @ Nobody has anything to be thankful for .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Friday by signing an executive order that would ban the month of November.
While legal scholars protested that he did not have the right to reduce the number of months in a year from twelve to eleven, Trump argued that “the Constitution doesn’t say anything about how many months you have to have.”
“All of those smart guys like Jefferson and Madison, those beauties, this is something they didn’t think of,” he said. “I got them on the months.”
Trump said that eliminating November from the calendar was “long overdue,” calling it “a rigged month.”
“November is a hoax,” he said. “Some people say it may not even be a real month.”
Responding to a reporter’s question about the future of Thanksgiving, Trump said that “nobody will miss it.”
“Just ask anyone in this country,” he said. “Nobody has anything to be thankful for.”
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-08-02--Trump Warns That Mail-In Ballots Could Result in Voting

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling the situation a “ total disaster , ” Donald J. Trump warned on Sunday that the use of mail-in ballots could result in voting .
Appearing on Fox News , Trump said that there were “ all kinds of studies ” showing a “ direct link ” between mail-in ballots and votes cast .
“ Wherever you ’ ve had mail-in ballots , there have been widespread cases of voting , ” he said .
“ We ’ re not going to let that happen.
” He said that other countries have solved @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” by banning mail-in ballots altogether .
“ You look at North Korea , ” Trump said .
“ They don ’ t have mail-in ballots .
They barely have mail .
They ’ re doing an amazing job.
” Raising another issue with what he called “ excessive voting , ” Trump warned that “ the more votes you have , the higher the number you have to count to.
” “ When I took my cognitive test , I had to count to ten , and that was no walk in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ And now you ’ re telling me there ’ s somebody out there who can count into the millions ?
Give me a break .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the situation a “total disaster,” Donald J. Trump warned on Sunday that the use of mail-in ballots could result in voting.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump said that there were “all kinds of studies” showing a “direct link” between mail-in ballots and votes cast.
“Wherever you’ve had mail-in ballots, there have been widespread cases of voting,” he said. “We’re not going to let that happen.”
He said that other countries have solved the problem of “too many votes” by banning mail-in ballots altogether.
“You look at North Korea,” Trump said. “They don’t have mail-in ballots. They barely have mail. They’re doing an amazing job.”
Raising another issue with what he called “excessive voting,” Trump warned that “the more votes you have, the higher the number you have to count to.”
“When I took my cognitive test, I had to count to ten, and that was no walk in the park,” he said. “And now you’re telling me there’s somebody out there who can count into the millions? Give me a break.”


theborowitzreport--2020-08-03--Biden Leading Trump Among Voters Who Favor Being Alive

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —With fewer than a hundred days until the election , Donald J. Trump is trailing Joe Biden badly among voters who describe themselves as in favor of being alive .
The poll , which was conducted by the University of Minnesota , shows Biden beating Trump by a whopping thirty-one per cent among voters who call continuing to exist the issue that is most important to them .
In several swing states , including Pennsylvania , Michigan , and Wisconsin , Biden has wiped out Trump ’ s lead by racking up huge margins @ @ @ @ @ @ @ needs to do something dramatic to show voters that he , too , is in favor of them staying alive , ” Davis Logsdon , who supervised the poll , said .
“ I ’ m not sure that shooting rubber bullets and tear gas at them sends that message.
” Trump ’ s new campaign manager , Bill Stepien , accused the media of focussing too much attention on the opinions of voters who wish to continue to breathe because of the press ’ s own “ anti-dying bias.
” “ This @ @ @ @ @ @ @ who are not in favor of being alive and make sure they know that President Trump is on their side , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than a hundred days until the election, Donald J. Trump is trailing Joe Biden badly among voters who describe themselves as in favor of being alive.
The poll, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, shows Biden beating Trump by a whopping thirty-one per cent among voters who call continuing to exist the issue that is most important to them.
In several swing states, including Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, Biden has wiped out Trump’s lead by racking up huge margins among the rather-not-die-right-now demographic.
“Trump needs to do something dramatic to show voters that he, too, is in favor of them staying alive,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “I’m not sure that shooting rubber bullets and tear gas at them sends that message.”
Trump’s new campaign manager, Bill Stepien, accused the media of focussing too much attention on the opinions of voters who wish to continue to breathe because of the press’s own “anti-dying bias.”
“This campaign is working overtime to identify voters who are not in favor of being alive and make sure they know that President Trump is on their side,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-08-04--Americans Insanely Jealous of Spain After Corrupt Head of State Flees Country

MADRID ( The Borowitz Report ) —Americans are insanely jealous of Spain after its disgraced former head of state Juan Carlos announced on Monday that he was fleeing the country .
In interviews across the U.S. , Americans expressed dismay and frustration that multiple criminal investigations were “ all it took ” for the former Spanish ruler to voluntarily leave Spain forever .
“ So wait , in Spain , if a leader is being investigated for financial crimes and tax evasion , he just writes a letter saying goodbye and then he leaves ?
” Carol Foyler , who @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Whoa.
” Tracy Klugian , who hails from Butte , Montana , harbored similar feelings of jealousy when he learned of Juan Carlos ’ s self-exile .
“ So , basically , the people of Spain will never have to see or hear from this corrupt narcissist again ?
” he said .
“ Man.
” Harland Dorrinson , who lives in St. Louis , said that he was seething with envy when he learned that Juan Carlos might have already fled to the Dominican Republic , some four thousand miles @ @ @ @ @ @ @ miles away from Washington is basically the North Pole , ” he said .
“ Why does Spain get all the good things ?
”

MADRID (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are insanely jealous of Spain after its disgraced former head of state Juan Carlos announced on Monday that he was fleeing the country.
In interviews across the U.S., Americans expressed dismay and frustration that multiple criminal investigations were “all it took” for the former Spanish ruler to voluntarily leave Spain forever.
“So wait, in Spain, if a leader is being investigated for financial crimes and tax evasion, he just writes a letter saying goodbye and then he leaves?” Carol Foyler, who lives in Topeka, Kansas, said. “Whoa.”
Tracy Klugian, who hails from Butte, Montana, harbored similar feelings of jealousy when he learned of Juan Carlos’s self-exile. “So, basically, the people of Spain will never have to see or hear from this corrupt narcissist again?” he said. “Man.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in St. Louis, said that he was seething with envy when he learned that Juan Carlos might have already fled to the Dominican Republic, some four thousand miles away from Spain.
“Four thousand miles away from Washington is basically the North Pole,” he said. “Why does Spain get all the good things?”