theborowitzreport--2020-03-22--Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol May Help People Survive Coronavirus Briefings

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling it a “ promising development , ” Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Sunday @ @ @ @ @ survive the most severe effects of coronavirus briefings .
Noting that millions of Americans have @ @ @ @ @ briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force , Fauci said that he had voluntarily @ @ @ @ @ of the alcohol-based therapy .
“ What we have found is that a single dosage @ @ @ @ @ much as a double dosage after the briefing do much to alleviate the most acute @ @ @ @ @ .
The esteemed virologist said that if Americans are able to administer additional doses during @ @ @ @ @ yourself lucky.
” But , even as Fauci hailed the benefits of the new treatment @ @ @ @ @ of caution .
“ The effect of this medication is temporary , ” he said @ @ @ @ @ ’ s findings are in line with anecdotal reports indicating that Americans have been alleviating @ @ @ @ @ since November , 2016 .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “promising development,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Sunday that alcohol may help people survive the most severe effects of coronavirus briefings.
Noting that millions of Americans have been exposed to the daily briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Fauci said that he had voluntarily submitted to a preliminary trial of the alcohol-based therapy.
“What we have found is that a single dosage before the briefing and as much as a double dosage after the briefing do much to alleviate the most acute suffering,” Fauci said.
The esteemed virologist said that if Americans are able to administer additional doses during the briefings, “Consider yourself lucky.”
But, even as Fauci hailed the benefits of the new treatment, he sounded a note of caution. “The effect of this medication is temporary,” he said. “Sadly.”
Fauci’s findings are in line with anecdotal reports indicating that Americans have been alleviating symptoms in a similar manner since November, 2016.
Read More Satire from the Borowitz Report


theborowitzreport--2020-03-24--Trump Invokes Defense Production Act to Mass-Produce Gallons of Spray Tan

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —At long last invoking the Defense Production Act , Donald J. Trump has ordered @ @ @ @ @ to begin mass-producing gallons of spray tan .
Speaking at the White House on Tuesday @ @ @ @ @ because millions of Americans have been forced to remain indoors , the country ’ s @ @ @ @ @ fallen to “ dangerously low ” levels .
“ I sent Mike Pence out to @ @ @ @ @ he went to store after store and they were all out , ” Trump said @ @ @ @ @ a disgraceful situation.
” Trump said that , although he had been reluctant to invoke @ @ @ @ @ are going to lose their tans within days if nothing is done.
” Under the @ @ @ @ @ of spray tan that Trump has demanded will be pumped out by retrofitted factories that @ @ @ @ @ White House sources confirmed that Trump has also invoked the Defense Production Act to manufacture @ @ @ @ @ , and one eighteen-hole indoor golf course .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At long last invoking the Defense Production Act, Donald J. Trump has ordered the nation’s factories to begin mass-producing gallons of spray tan.
Speaking at the White House on Tuesday, Trump said that, because millions of Americans have been forced to remain indoors, the country’s stockpiles of fake-tan reserves have fallen to “dangerously low” levels.
“I sent Mike Pence out to buy some yesterday, and he went to store after store and they were all out,” Trump said. “It’s a disgraceful situation.”
Trump said that, although he had been reluctant to invoke the D.P.A., “People are going to lose their tans within days if nothing is done.”
Under the order, the specific hue of spray tan that Trump has demanded will be pumped out by retrofitted factories that normally manufacture orange paint.
White House sources confirmed that Trump has also invoked the Defense Production Act to manufacture Sharpies, yellow hair dye, and one eighteen-hole indoor golf course.


theborowitzreport--2020-03-25--Fauci Tricks Trump Into Believing There Is No Easter This Year

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Taking bold action to safeguard the health of millions of Americans , Dr. Anthony Fauci has tricked Donald J. Trump into believing that there is no Easter this year , Fauci has confirmed .
After hearing Trump declare on Tuesday that he hoped to reopen the country on Easter Sunday , an alarmed Fauci decided to spring into action .
“ I ran down to my computer and mocked up a phony 2020 calendar with no Easter on it , ” Fauci said .
“ Then I showed it to Trump and said , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ your plan , Mr. President .
There ’ s no Easter this year.
’ ” According to Fauci , Trump was initially baffled by the news .
“ How could that be ?
” Trump asked .
“ There ’ s Easter every year.
” “ I guess I didn ’ t know it worked that way , ” Trump said .
“ I never go to church.
” Fauci consoled Trump by telling him that , if all goes according to plan , the country could be reopened in time for Easter @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump appeared somewhat reluctantly to accept .
The esteemed epidemiologist said that his dealings with Trump have now entered a new phase .
“ I ’ ve given up on containment , and I ’ m just doing mitigation , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking bold action to safeguard the health of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci has tricked Donald J. Trump into believing that there is no Easter this year, Fauci has confirmed.
After hearing Trump declare on Tuesday that he hoped to reopen the country on Easter Sunday, an alarmed Fauci decided to spring into action.
“I ran down to my computer and mocked up a phony 2020 calendar with no Easter on it,” Fauci said. “Then I showed it to Trump and said, ‘There’s a problem with your plan, Mr. President. There’s no Easter this year.’”
According to Fauci, Trump was initially baffled by the news. “How could that be?” Trump asked. “There’s Easter every year.”
“This is a leap year,” the quick-thinking virologist replied.
“I guess I didn’t know it worked that way,” Trump said. “I never go to church.”
Fauci consoled Trump by telling him that, if all goes according to plan, the country could be reopened in time for Easter Sunday, 2021, a suggestion that Trump appeared somewhat reluctantly to accept.
The esteemed epidemiologist said that his dealings with Trump have now entered a new phase. “I’ve given up on containment, and I’m just doing mitigation,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-17--Dr. Oz Fears That Coronavirus Comments Could Hurt His Credibility as Expert on Magic Beans

NEW YORK ( The Borowitz Report ) —Dr .
Oz is deeply concerned that his controversial comments about the coronavirus could damage his hard-earned credibility as an expert on magic beans , Dr. Oz confirmed on Friday .
“ I ’ ve worked long and hard to establish myself as the world ’ s leading authority on the magical weight-loss powers of green-coffee-bean extract , ” Oz said .
“ It ’ s horrifying to think that my stature in the field of magic-beanology could vanish overnight , like unwanted pounds.
” Oz pleaded with viewers not to judge him @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , rather , to consider his entire body of medical work , including his pioneering research into the fat-burning superpowers of raspberry ketones .
“ A few ill-considered remarks don ’ t change the fact that I ’ m the same Dr. Oz who recommended curing restless-leg syndrome by placing a bar of lavender soap under your sheets , ” he said .
“ And should one slip of the tongue erase all the times I ’ ve promoted astrology , faith healing , and psychic communication with the dead ?
I should @ @ @ @ @ @ @ defended his unimpeachable scientific record , Oz acknowledged that the coronavirus controversy has left him badly shaken .
“ In my darkest moments , I wonder if people will ever believe me again when I tell them that umckaloabo-root extract cures the common cold , ” he said .

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Oz is deeply concerned that his controversial comments about the coronavirus could damage his hard-earned credibility as an expert on magic beans, Dr. Oz confirmed on Friday.
“I’ve worked long and hard to establish myself as the world’s leading authority on the magical weight-loss powers of green-coffee-bean extract,” Oz said. “It’s horrifying to think that my stature in the field of magic-beanology could vanish overnight, like unwanted pounds.”
Oz pleaded with viewers not to judge him based on a few unfortunate comments but, rather, to consider his entire body of medical work, including his pioneering research into the fat-burning superpowers of raspberry ketones.
“A few ill-considered remarks don’t change the fact that I’m the same Dr. Oz who recommended curing restless-leg syndrome by placing a bar of lavender soap under your sheets,” he said. “And should one slip of the tongue erase all the times I’ve promoted astrology, faith healing, and psychic communication with the dead? I should hope not.”
But even as he defended his unimpeachable scientific record, Oz acknowledged that the coronavirus controversy has left him badly shaken. “In my darkest moments, I wonder if people will ever believe me again when I tell them that umckaloabo-root extract cures the common cold,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-17--Fauci: No Evidence That Warmer Weather Will Make Trump Disappear

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Responding to what he called “ wishful thinking ” on the part of millions of Americans , Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Thursday that there was “ no scientific evidence ” that warmer weather will make Donald J. Trump disappear .
Answering a question from CNN ’ s Jake Tapper , Fauci said , “ There ’ s a lot of stuff on the Internet about how , when the warmer weather comes , maybe Trump will disappear , or at least somewhat diminish the wreckage he causes .
Unfortunately , there ’ s @ @ @ @ @ @ @ be the case.
” Fauci said that , based on the photographic and video record of Trump at his Mar-a-Lago resort , “ He appears to be more active in the warmer weather.
” “ When the temperature goes up , he seems to get less lethargic and goes golfing , ” Fauci said .
“ This suggests that , when the summer months come , we could be seeing a second wave of him , unfortunately.
” The esteemed virologist did hold out some hope to Americans who have been counting on @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ Something like that could happen in November , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to what he called “wishful thinking” on the part of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Thursday that there was “no scientific evidence” that warmer weather will make Donald J. Trump disappear.
Answering a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, Fauci said, “There’s a lot of stuff on the Internet about how, when the warmer weather comes, maybe Trump will disappear, or at least somewhat diminish the wreckage he causes. Unfortunately, there’s no evidence to suggest that this will be the case.”
Fauci said that, based on the photographic and video record of Trump at his Mar-a-Lago resort, “He appears to be more active in the warmer weather.”
“When the temperature goes up, he seems to get less lethargic and goes golfing,” Fauci said. “This suggests that, when the summer months come, we could be seeing a second wave of him, unfortunately.”
The esteemed virologist did hold out some hope to Americans who have been counting on a seasonal change to make Trump vanish. “Something like that could happen in November,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-20--Cuomo Says Florida Beachgoers Travelling to New York Must First Be Tested for I.Q.

ALBANY ( The Borowitz Report ) —After seeing images of Floridians crowding the beaches in Jacksonville , New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that all Florida beachgoers who travel to New York must first be tested for I.Q .
“ Just as we ’ ve started flattening the curve , a surge in Florida beachgoers is the last thing our state needs , ” Cuomo said .
“ And so , at all points of entry in New York , we will be ramping up I.Q .
testing immediately.
” Cuomo said that , in order to administer I.Q .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ enter New York , the state will have to purchase tens of thousands of I.Q .
tests on the open market .
“ I asked the President for help in buying them , but he doesn ’ t believe in I.Q .
tests , ” the Governor said .
In Tallahassee , Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said that he was “ hopping mad ” at Cuomo for insisting that Florida beachgoers prove that they are capable of rational thought .
“ I was on the beach in Jacksonville yesterday , ” a defiant @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to New York right now , will my I.Q .
be tested ?
” Minutes later , Cuomo issued a brief response .
“ In the case of Governor DeSantis , I don ’ t think an I.Q .
test is necessary , ” he said .

ALBANY (The Borowitz Report)—After seeing images of Floridians crowding the beaches in Jacksonville, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that all Florida beachgoers who travel to New York must first be tested for I.Q.
“Just as we’ve started flattening the curve, a surge in Florida beachgoers is the last thing our state needs,” Cuomo said. “And so, at all points of entry in New York, we will be ramping up I.Q. testing immediately.”
Cuomo said that, in order to administer I.Q. tests to all Florida beachgoers attempting to enter New York, the state will have to purchase tens of thousands of I.Q. tests on the open market.
“I asked the President for help in buying them, but he doesn’t believe in I.Q. tests,” the Governor said.
In Tallahassee, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said that he was “hopping mad” at Cuomo for insisting that Florida beachgoers prove that they are capable of rational thought.
“I was on the beach in Jacksonville yesterday,” a defiant DeSantis said. “If I fly to New York right now, will my I.Q. be tested?”
Minutes later, Cuomo issued a brief response. “In the case of Governor DeSantis, I don’t think an I.Q. test is necessary,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-20--Nation’s Parents Fear That If Kids Miss Enough School They Will Turn Out Like Betsy DeVos

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA ( The Borowitz Report ) —With many of the nation ’ s schools closed through the end of the school year , millions of American parents worry that if their children miss enough school they will turn out like Betsy DeVos .
As news broke last week that the DeVos family has provided funding to one of the organizations behind recent anti-social-distancing protests , parents panicked at the prospect of their school-deprived children becoming as ignorant as the nation ’ s Education Secretary .
“ Without school , our kids could have frightening gaps in their @ @ @ @ @ @ @ history , ” Carol Foyler , a parent in Akron , Ohio , said .
“ We could be raising a generation of Betsy DeVoses.
” Terrified by such a dire outcome , Foyler hired a remote tutor for her son Ryan , a first grader , but her anxiety persists .
“ Yesterday , I kind of lost it with Ryan , ” she said .
“ I told him , ‘ You don ’ t want to grow up to be like Betsy DeVos.
’ I immediately felt horrible .
I @ @ @ @ @ @ @ like that.
” Speaking to reporters at the Department of Education , Secretary DeVos tried to reassure parents about the school closures .
“ Many schools have been closed for one month , ” she said .
“ Even if they remain closed for two more months , that ’ s only a total of four months .
”

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—With many of the nation’s schools closed through the end of the school year, millions of American parents worry that if their children miss enough school they will turn out like Betsy DeVos.
As news broke last week that the DeVos family has provided funding to one of the organizations behind recent anti-social-distancing protests, parents panicked at the prospect of their school-deprived children becoming as ignorant as the nation’s Education Secretary.
“Without school, our kids could have frightening gaps in their understanding of math, science, and history,” Carol Foyler, a parent in Akron, Ohio, said. “We could be raising a generation of Betsy DeVoses.”
Terrified by such a dire outcome, Foyler hired a remote tutor for her son Ryan, a first grader, but her anxiety persists.
“Yesterday, I kind of lost it with Ryan,” she said. “I told him, ‘You don’t want to grow up to be like Betsy DeVos.’ I immediately felt horrible. I’ve never spoken to my child like that.”
Speaking to reporters at the Department of Education, Secretary DeVos tried to reassure parents about the school closures. “Many schools have been closed for one month,” she said. “Even if they remain closed for two more months, that’s only a total of four months.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-22--Texas’s Lieutenant Governor Says Dying Not as Bad as Living in State Where He Is Lieutenant Governor

AUSTIN ( The Borowitz Report ) —Urging Texans to “ keep things in perspective , ” Texas ’ s lieutenant @ @ @ @ @ said on Wednesday that dying is “ surely not as bad ” as living in @ @ @ @ @ lieutenant governor .
Patrick , whose vehement anti-living message has stirred controversy across the country @ @ @ @ @ speaking out to remind Texans that there are “ some things worse than dying.
” @ @ @ @ @ for a reality check , folks , ” Patrick said .
“ If you wake @ @ @ @ @ that I am the second-highest-ranking elected official in your state , maybe dying doesn ’ @ @ @ @ @ after all.
” Arguing that “ dying has got a bad rap , ” he @ @ @ @ @ he called its “ flagrant anti-death bias.
” “ All these media people who go @ @ @ @ @ the worst thing in the world have never spent any time with me , ” @ @ @

AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Urging Texans to “keep things in perspective,” Texas’s lieutenant governor, Dan Patrick, said on Wednesday that dying is “surely not as bad” as living in a state where he is lieutenant governor.
Patrick, whose vehement anti-living message has stirred controversy across the country, said that he was speaking out to remind Texans that there are “some things worse than dying.”
“It’s time for a reality check, folks,” Patrick said. “If you wake up every morning and remember that I am the second-highest-ranking elected official in your state, maybe dying doesn’t look so bad, after all.”
Arguing that “dying has got a bad rap,” he blasted the media for what he called its “flagrant anti-death bias.”
“All these media people who go on about how dying is the worst thing in the world have never spent any time with me,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-24--Trump Advises States Facing Bankruptcy to Borrow Millions from Their Dads

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Days after the Senate Majority Leader , Mitch McConnell , advised cash-strapped states to declare bankruptcy , Donald J. Trump added that they could avoid such a filing by borrowing millions from their dads .
“ These states need to get on the phone with their dads and explain the mess they ’ ve gotten themselves into , ” Trump said .
“ Their dads might give them a royal chewing out , but the old men will come through with the cash.
” Detailing his plan to return the states to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ dads can bring the money into the states in a briefcase , or a bag of casino chips .
Whatever ’ s easiest.
” If , however , their dads “ won ’ t cough up the dough , ” Trump told the states that bankruptcy is “ no big deal.
” “ You can file for bankruptcy four , five , six times , ” he said .
“ It works out very strongly and powerfully , and everything will be nice.
” Trump expressed his surprise that it had never occurred @ @ @ @ @ @ @ for money .
“ Sometimes it feels like I have to do everything around here , ” he complained .

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Days after the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, advised cash-strapped states to declare bankruptcy, Donald J. Trump added that they could avoid such a filing by borrowing millions from their dads.
“These states need to get on the phone with their dads and explain the mess they’ve gotten themselves into,” Trump said. “Their dads might give them a royal chewing out, but the old men will come through with the cash.”
Detailing his plan to return the states to solvency, Trump said, “Their dads can bring the money into the states in a briefcase, or a bag of casino chips. Whatever’s easiest.”
If, however, their dads “won’t cough up the dough,” Trump told the states that bankruptcy is “no big deal.”
“You can file for bankruptcy four, five, six times,” he said. “It works out very strongly and powerfully, and everything will be nice.”
Trump expressed his surprise that it had never occurred to the states to ask their dads for money. “Sometimes it feels like I have to do everything around here,” he complained.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-24--America’s Four-Year-Olds Warn Against Following Trump’s Medical Advice

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an unprecedented move , the nation ’ s four-year-olds have issued an official @ @ @ @ @ J. Trump ’ s medical advice .
Asserting that their communiqué was “ not about @ @ @ @ @ said that they were issuing the statement out of concern for public health .
“ @ @ @ @ @ you have heard Donald Trump making medical recommendations from the White House , ” the @ @ @ @ @ ’ s important for you to know that these recommendations have no basis in medical @ @ @ @ @ Right now , millions of you are stuck at home with nothing to do , @ @ @ @ @ “ Still , that ’ s no excuse to do anything that Donald Trump tells @ @ @ @ @ four-year-olds ’ communiqué ended with a general advisory for the future : “ Whenever Donald @ @ @ @ @ something , ask yourself : If Donald Trump jumped off a bridge , would you @ @ @ @ @ Of course not .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented move, the nation’s four-year-olds have issued an official communiqué warning against following Donald J. Trump’s medical advice.
Asserting that their communiqué was “not about politics,” the four-year-olds said that they were issuing the statement out of concern for public health.
“By now, many of you have heard Donald Trump making medical recommendations from the White House,” the statement read. “It’s important for you to know that these recommendations have no basis in medical or scientific fact.”
“Right now, millions of you are stuck at home with nothing to do,” the statement continued. “Still, that’s no excuse to do anything that Donald Trump tells you to do.”
The four-year-olds’ communiqué ended with a general advisory for the future: “Whenever Donald Trump tells you to do something, ask yourself: If Donald Trump jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge? Of course not.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-25--Experts Believe the Coronavirus Could Be Defeated with the Twenty-fifth Amendment

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a possible breakthrough that Americans have been hoping for , experts believe that the coronavirus could be defeated by the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution .
The experts , from the fields of science , public health , government , and law , were uniformly enthusiastic in their conviction that the Twenty-fifth Amendment is the single most powerful weapon that the nation currently has to vanquish the coronavirus .
“ Researchers are hard at work developing therapeutics and vaccines , but it will be some time before those solutions are viable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ and professor at the University of Minnesota , said .
“ The Twenty-fifth Amendment is ready to go right now.
” Although much about the coronavirus remains unknown , Logsdon said , “ We ’ re learned a lot about some of the conditions that enable it to thrive , like incompetence , laziness , and ignorance .
The Twenty-fifth Amendment eradicates all three of those conditions .
It ’ s like constitutional Lysol.
” Logsdon acknowledged that using the Twenty-fifth Amendment has raised some concerns , since it has never been used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ , “ I can think of no better human to use it on .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a possible breakthrough that Americans have been hoping for, experts believe that the coronavirus could be defeated by the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution.
The experts, from the fields of science, public health, government, and law, were uniformly enthusiastic in their conviction that the Twenty-fifth Amendment is the single most powerful weapon that the nation currently has to vanquish the coronavirus.
“Researchers are hard at work developing therapeutics and vaccines, but it will be some time before those solutions are viable,” Davis Logsdon, a doctor and professor at the University of Minnesota, said. “The Twenty-fifth Amendment is ready to go right now.”
Although much about the coronavirus remains unknown, Logsdon said, “We’ve learned a lot about some of the conditions that enable it to thrive, like incompetence, laziness, and ignorance. The Twenty-fifth Amendment eradicates all three of those conditions. It’s like constitutional Lysol.”
Logsdon acknowledged that using the Twenty-fifth Amendment has raised some concerns, since it has never been used before on a human, but added, “I can think of no better human to use it on.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-27--Trump Blames Plummeting Poll Numbers on People Paying Attention When He Talks

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling it a “ disgraceful situation , ” Donald J. Trump on Monday blamed his sinking poll numbers on people paying attention when he talks .
Noting that his approval rating has plummeted since he began holding coronavirus briefings , he said , “ There are a lot of people out there who are listening to things I say and basing their opinions on them , and I think it ’ s very sad.
” In addition to people paying attention when he talks , Trump said that he was being “ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ what I say.
” “ People are listening to what I say one day and comparing it to something I said on a different day , ” he said .
“ These are very sick and terrible people.
” Trump also lashed out at the pollsters themselves , who , he alleged , are “ doing a hit job on me ” by seeking the opinions of people who listened to things he said .
“ The fact that they ’ re talking to people who have listened to me proves how crooked @ @ @ @ @ @ @ he said .
“ People who haven ’ t listened to me think I ’ m doing great.
” Trump said that , if people persist in listening to him , he may stop talking altogether .
“ I think that ’ s a really good plan , ” Trump said .
“ Dr .
Fauci suggested it to me .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “disgraceful situation,” Donald J. Trump on Monday blamed his sinking poll numbers on people paying attention when he talks.
Noting that his approval rating has plummeted since he began holding coronavirus briefings, he said, “There are a lot of people out there who are listening to things I say and basing their opinions on them, and I think it’s very sad.”
In addition to people paying attention when he talks, Trump said that he was being “treated very unfairly by people who remember what I say.”
“People are listening to what I say one day and comparing it to something I said on a different day,” he said. “These are very sick and terrible people.”
Trump also lashed out at the pollsters themselves, who, he alleged, are “doing a hit job on me” by seeking the opinions of people who listened to things he said.
“The fact that they’re talking to people who have listened to me proves how crooked and rigged these polls are,” he said. “People who haven’t listened to me think I’m doing great.”
Trump said that, if people persist in listening to him, he may stop talking altogether. “I think that’s a really good plan,” Trump said. “Dr. Fauci suggested it to me.”


theborowitzreport--2020-04-28--CNN to Show Phone Number of Poison-Control Hotline Whenever Trump Speaks

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —CNN announced on Tuesday that it will show the phone number of a national poison-control hotline whenever Donald Trump appears on the air .
Speaking on behalf of the network , Wolf Blitzer , the veteran anchor , said that CNN was adopting the new policy out of concern for “ the health and safety of our viewers.
” “ At CNN , we strive to keep our viewers informed .
But , in order to do that , we must first keep them alive , ” he said .
In order to implement @ @ @ @ @ @ @ the network ’ s chief medical correspondent , will monitor CNN ’ s programming on a twenty-four-hour basis for any signs of Trump .
“ The moment Donald Trump appears , Sanjay will flip a switch and the flashing poison-control number will appear onscreen , ” Blitzer said .
The phone number will disappear as soon as someone other than Trump , such as Anthony Fauci , begins to speak .
“ If Trump interrupts Dr. Fauci and starts talking again , Sanjay will punch the number back up , ” the host @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
CNN decided to institute the new measure after it became apparent that Trump had not followed through on his threat to stop appearing at coronavirus briefings .
“ Clearly , the danger has not passed , ” Blitzer said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—CNN announced on Tuesday that it will show the phone number of a national poison-control hotline whenever Donald Trump appears on the air.
Speaking on behalf of the network, Wolf Blitzer, the veteran anchor, said that CNN was adopting the new policy out of concern for “the health and safety of our viewers.”
“At CNN, we strive to keep our viewers informed. But, in order to do that, we must first keep them alive,” he said.
In order to implement the new policy, Sanjay Gupta, the network’s chief medical correspondent, will monitor CNN’s programming on a twenty-four-hour basis for any signs of Trump.
“The moment Donald Trump appears, Sanjay will flip a switch and the flashing poison-control number will appear onscreen,” Blitzer said.
The phone number will disappear as soon as someone other than Trump, such as Anthony Fauci, begins to speak.
“If Trump interrupts Dr. Fauci and starts talking again, Sanjay will punch the number back up,” the host of “The Situation Room" indicated.
CNN decided to institute the new measure after it became apparent that Trump had not followed through on his threat to stop appearing at coronavirus briefings. “Clearly, the danger has not passed,” Blitzer said.


theborowitzreport--2020-04-29--Pence Starts Wearing Mask After Fauci Says It Will Protect Him from Women

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Vice-President Mike Pence has started wearing a mask after Anthony Fauci told him that @ @ @ @ @ women , Fauci has confirmed .
After seeing video of a maskless Pence touring the @ @ @ @ @ , Fauci said , “ I knew I had to come up with something fast @ @ @ @ @ Pence .
Fauci immediately got on the phone with the Vice-President and informed him that @ @ @ @ @ demonstrated that a mask is “ an effective female-repellent.
” “ I told him that @ @ @ @ @ him from 99.99 per cent of all women , ” Fauci said .
“ He @ @ @ @ @ an official statement , the Vice-President thanked Fauci for his excellent advice and indicated that @ @ @ @ @ mask at all times , including at home .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has started wearing a mask after Anthony Fauci told him that it will protect him from women, Fauci has confirmed.
After seeing video of a maskless Pence touring the Mayo Clinic, on Tuesday, Fauci said, “I knew I had to come up with something fast” to get through to Pence.
Fauci immediately got on the phone with the Vice-President and informed him that “clinical research” had demonstrated that a mask is “an effective female-repellent.”
“I told him that wearing a mask would protect him from 99.99 per cent of all women,” Fauci said. “He seemed very impressed.”
In an official statement, the Vice-President thanked Fauci for his excellent advice and indicated that he would start wearing a mask at all times, including at home.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-01--Michigan Governor Arrogantly Forcing Residents to Remain Alive

LANSING ( The Borowitz Report ) —Gretchen Whitmer , the governor of Michigan , is “ arrogantly forcing the residents @ @ @ @ @ alive , ” Attorney General William Barr charged on Friday .
In a blistering takedown @ @ @ @ @ Barr said that Whitmer was “ depriving Michiganders of their constitutionally enshrined right to die @ @ @ @ @ that the Justice Department could soon file a lawsuit against Whitmer , Barr alleged that @ @ @ @ @ keeping her state ’ s residents breathing ” represented “ government overreach at its worst.
@ @ @ @ @ Whitmer ’ s “ blatant anti-coronavirus bias ” would likely come back to haunt her @ @ @ @ @ “ Gretchen Whitmer never asked Michiganders for their consent to remain alive , and they @ @ @ @ @ any time soon , ” Barr said .

LANSING (The Borowitz Report)—Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan, is “arrogantly forcing the residents of her state to remain alive,” Attorney General William Barr charged on Friday.
In a blistering takedown of the Democratic governor, Barr said that Whitmer was “depriving Michiganders of their constitutionally enshrined right to die before their time.”
Hinting that the Justice Department could soon file a lawsuit against Whitmer, Barr alleged that her “unhinged obsession with keeping her state’s residents breathing” represented “government overreach at its worst.”
Barr also suggested that Whitmer’s “blatant anti-coronavirus bias” would likely come back to haunt her at the ballot box.
“Gretchen Whitmer never asked Michiganders for their consent to remain alive, and they won’t forget that any time soon,” Barr said.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-02--Blocked From Testifying, Fauci Plans Zoom Call with Entire Country

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Blocked by the White House from testifying before Congress , Anthony Fauci said on Saturday that he would schedule a Zoom call with the entire country .
The esteemed virologist said that the Zoom call would be an opportunity for all three hundred and twenty-eight million Americans to ask him questions about the White House ’ s response to the pandemic .
“ It ’ ll be just like one of the task-force briefings , only I ’ ll actually be allowed to talk , ” he said .
Fauci acknowledged that there could @ @ @ @ @ @ @ in the country on the same Zoom call .
“ Our faces will probably look pretty small , and they may freeze if there ’ s not enough bandwidth , ” he said .
“ You might want to tell your kids to get off Fortnite for fifteen minutes.
” He said that it was “ unlikely ” that Donald Trump would be joining the call .
“ We ’ re mainly going to be talking about science , so I don ’ t think it ’ s his thing , ” Fauci @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blocked by the White House from testifying before Congress, Anthony Fauci said on Saturday that he would schedule a Zoom call with the entire country.
The esteemed virologist said that the Zoom call would be an opportunity for all three hundred and twenty-eight million Americans to ask him questions about the White House’s response to the pandemic. “It’ll be just like one of the task-force briefings, only I’ll actually be allowed to talk,” he said.
Fauci acknowledged that there could be logistical challenges to getting every person in the country on the same Zoom call.
“Our faces will probably look pretty small, and they may freeze if there’s not enough bandwidth,” he said. “You might want to tell your kids to get off Fortnite for fifteen minutes.”
He said that it was “unlikely” that Donald Trump would be joining the call. “We’re mainly going to be talking about science, so I don’t think it’s his thing,” Fauci said.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-04--New Claim That Enemies of U.S. Developed Trump in Lab

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —Enemies of the United States developed Donald J. Trump in a top-secret biotech lab with the goal of wreaking untold havoc on the nation , a leading conspiracy theorist claimed on Monday .
The theorist , Harland Dorrinson , said that he has “ conclusive evidence ” that Trump was created by enemy scientists as the “ ultimate weapon ” to bring the United States to its knees .
“ Having combed through binders of secret documents , I can say with a hundred per cent confidence that the person we have @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a recombinant-DNA lab , ” Dorrinson said .
“ It ’ s the only possible explanation , ” he added .
While the organism known as Trump appeared to be little more than a curiosity for the first seven decades of his existence , “ seemingly designed for our amusement , ” in recent days he has become “ fully weaponized , ” the conspiracy theorist asserted .
“ In the past two weeks , he has urged Americans to defy public-health orders , to insert ultraviolet light inside their bodies , and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ .
“ In a secret lab somewhere , enemy scientists are popping champagne .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Enemies of the United States developed Donald J. Trump in a top-secret biotech lab with the goal of wreaking untold havoc on the nation, a leading conspiracy theorist claimed on Monday.
The theorist, Harland Dorrinson, said that he has “conclusive evidence” that Trump was created by enemy scientists as the “ultimate weapon” to bring the United States to its knees.
“Having combed through binders of secret documents, I can say with a hundred per cent confidence that the person we have been calling Donald Trump was grown in a recombinant-DNA lab,” Dorrinson said.
“It’s the only possible explanation,” he added.
While the organism known as Trump appeared to be little more than a curiosity for the first seven decades of his existence, “seemingly designed for our amusement,” in recent days he has become “fully weaponized,” the conspiracy theorist asserted.
“In the past two weeks, he has urged Americans to defy public-health orders, to insert ultraviolet light inside their bodies, and to ingest bleach,” he said. “In a secret lab somewhere, enemy scientists are popping champagne.”


theborowitzreport--2020-05-05--Murder Hornets Doubt They Can Do as Much Damage as Trump

WASHINGTON STATE ( The Borowitz Report ) —Calling it “ a tall order , for sure , ” a swarm of murder hornets are openly questioning whether they can do as much damage to the United States as Donald J. Trump has .
In an unusually candid interview , the deadly winged insects said that their initial plans to invade North America , spreading terror and carnage in their wake , have been largely upended by Trump ’ s performance this year .
“ We had been talking about coming to America for , like , forever , ” one @ @ @ @ @ @ @ obviously a huge market , and we wanted to make a big splash over here .
And now this.
” The hornet said that , when it became clear that Trump was causing headline-grabbing destruction , “ a bunch of us were , like , ‘ Should we postpone our whole deal ?
It seems like we ’ re not going to get the attention we ’ ve been shooting for.
’ ” Ultimately , the hornets decided to stick with their original launch date , but they are now confronting the unpalatable @ @ @ @ @ @ @ us in the dust , threat-wise.
” “ Look , we ’ re murder hornets , ” the hornet said .
“ We ’ re going to do what murder hornets do .
We ’ re going to sting people .
We ’ re going to terrify them .
But are we really going to engulf the United States of America in terror and existential despair ?
Trump has set the bar very high .
”

WASHINGTON STATE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a tall order, for sure,” a swarm of murder hornets are openly questioning whether they can do as much damage to the United States as Donald J. Trump has.
In an unusually candid interview, the deadly winged insects said that their initial plans to invade North America, spreading terror and carnage in their wake, have been largely upended by Trump’s performance this year.
“We had been talking about coming to America for, like, forever,” one hornet said. “It’s obviously a huge market, and we wanted to make a big splash over here. And now this.”
The hornet said that, when it became clear that Trump was causing headline-grabbing destruction, “a bunch of us were, like, ‘Should we postpone our whole deal? It seems like we’re not going to get the attention we’ve been shooting for.’ ”
Ultimately, the hornets decided to stick with their original launch date, but they are now confronting the unpalatable reality that “Trump has definitely left us in the dust, threat-wise.”
“Look, we’re murder hornets,” the hornet said. “We’re going to do what murder hornets do. We’re going to sting people. We’re going to terrify them. But are we really going to engulf the United States of America in terror and existential despair? Trump has set the bar very high.”


theborowitzreport--2020-05-06--Coronavirus Task Force Officially Split as Fauci Announces Solo Album

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —The rumored breakup of the White House coronavirus task force became official on Wednesday , after Dr. Anthony Fauci announced plans for a solo album .
While fans of the task force had been hoping that the group would somehow stay together , palpable creative differences among the members made Fauci ’ s decision to go solo “ only a matter of time , ” one source said .
“ By the end , it was clear that Tony couldn ’ t stand being on the same stage as Trump , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ getting very , very uncomfortable.
” The source scoffed at rumors that Trump might attempt a solo album of his own .
“ Tony Fauci was the coronavirus task force , ” he said .
Speaking to reporters , Fauci said that his upcoming solo release would be full of material that he was prevented from using as a member of the task force .
“ I have a lot inside me that I wasn ’ t allowed to express , ” Fauci said .
“ The creative freedom of doing this album @ @ @ @ @ @ @ from the album , “ Don ’ t Reopen ( Yet ) , ” featuring Bill Gates , will drop next week , Fauci said .
Once his solo album is finished , the esteemed virologist said that he planned to tour extensively to promote it .
“ I ’ ve always wanted to play the House of Representatives , ” he said .

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—The rumored breakup of the White House coronavirus task force became official on Wednesday, after Dr. Anthony Fauci announced plans for a solo album.
While fans of the task force had been hoping that the group would somehow stay together, palpable creative differences among the members made Fauci’s decision to go solo “only a matter of time,” one source said.
“By the end, it was clear that Tony couldn’t stand being on the same stage as Trump,” the source said. “It was getting very, very uncomfortable.”
The source scoffed at rumors that Trump might attempt a solo album of his own. “Tony Fauci was the coronavirus task force,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that his upcoming solo release would be full of material that he was prevented from using as a member of the task force.
“I have a lot inside me that I wasn’t allowed to express,” Fauci said. “The creative freedom of doing this album has been amazing.”
The first video from the album, “Don’t Reopen (Yet),” featuring Bill Gates, will drop next week, Fauci said.
Once his solo album is finished, the esteemed virologist said that he planned to tour extensively to promote it. “I’ve always wanted to play the House of Representatives,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-07--Unskilled American Somehow Still Employed

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Despite an increasingly grim employment picture , an unskilled American man remains gainfully employed , labor experts confirmed .
With millions applying for unemployment benefits each week , experts expressed bafflement and outright astonishment that a man with no identifiable skills , talents , or competence appears to be secure in his job .
“ This unskilled individual ’ s continued employment defies any kind of economic logic , ” Davis Logsdon , who studies employment trends at the University of Minnesota , said .
“ Of the 33.5 million Americans who have applied @ @ @ @ @ @ @ weeks , approximately 33.5 million are more qualified than he is.
” Even more perplexing , experts said , is the unskilled man ’ s persistent employment after failing at a series of other jobs during the past three years .
“ The only explanation that makes sense , and I ’ ll admit it ’ s far-fetched , is that whoever hired him is equally unskilled , ” Logsdon said .
Despite the man ’ s puzzlingly long record of employment , Logsdon said that ferocious economic headwinds could bring it to @ @ @ @ @ @ @ November .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Despite an increasingly grim employment picture, an unskilled American man remains gainfully employed, labor experts confirmed.
With millions applying for unemployment benefits each week, experts expressed bafflement and outright astonishment that a man with no identifiable skills, talents, or competence appears to be secure in his job.
“This unskilled individual’s continued employment defies any kind of economic logic,” Davis Logsdon, who studies employment trends at the University of Minnesota, said. “Of the 33.5 million Americans who have applied for unemployment benefits over the past seven weeks, approximately 33.5 million are more qualified than he is.”
Even more perplexing, experts said, is the unskilled man’s persistent employment after failing at a series of other jobs during the past three years.
“The only explanation that makes sense, and I’ll admit it’s far-fetched, is that whoever hired him is equally unskilled,” Logsdon said.
Despite the man’s puzzlingly long record of employment, Logsdon said that ferocious economic headwinds could bring it to an abrupt halt, as early as November.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-08--Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity

Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a test result that he called “ a tremendous relief , ” the Attorney General , Bill Barr , has tested negative for integrity , Barr confirmed on Friday .
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers .
“ When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity , I was understandably furious , ” Barr told reporters .
“ I told them to go home at once.
” Barr @ @ @ @ @ @ @ new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building .
“ I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department , but apparently I was mistaken , ” he said .
“ It ’ s better to be safe than sorry.
” Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity , Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue .
“ Having integrity would have made it impossible for @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-11--Obama Unworried About Trump Accusing Him of Crime Because Bill Barr Does Not Prosecute Criminals

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Former President Barack Obama said on Monday that he is unconcerned about Donald Trump accusing him of “ the greatest crime in American history ” because Attorney General Bill Barr does not prosecute criminals .
“ At first , when I heard that he was accusing me of being the worst criminal ever , I have to admit I was a little rattled , ” Obama said .
“ But then I remembered Barr ’ s don ’ t-prosecute-crimes policy , and I was pretty chill about it.
” Obama said that he was @ @ @ @ @ @ @ of committing , “ but I ’ m pretty sure I never lied to the F.B.I .
or anything as serious as that—so I ’ m good.
” The former President said that , if it turns out that he did commit a crime , “ I ’ ll immediately admit that I did it , because , if history is any guide , the next thing that will happen is me not getting prosecuted.
” Reflecting on how the Department of Justice might view his illegal actions , whatever they were , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ awesome time to be a criminal .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Monday that he is unconcerned about Donald Trump accusing him of “the greatest crime in American history” because Attorney General Bill Barr does not prosecute criminals.
“At first, when I heard that he was accusing me of being the worst criminal ever, I have to admit I was a little rattled,” Obama said. “But then I remembered Barr’s don’t-prosecute-crimes policy, and I was pretty chill about it.”
Obama said that he was unsure what crime Trump was accusing him of committing, “but I’m pretty sure I never lied to the F.B.I. or anything as serious as that—so I’m good.”
The former President said that, if it turns out that he did commit a crime, “I’ll immediately admit that I did it, because, if history is any guide, the next thing that will happen is me not getting prosecuted.”
Reflecting on how the Department of Justice might view his illegal actions, whatever they were, Obama said, “This is an awesome time to be a criminal.”


theborowitzreport--2020-05-11--Susan Collins to Self-Quarantine to Avoid Possible Contact with Decisions

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —One week after the United States Senate returned to session , Senator @ @ @ @ @ , said that she would self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions .
Collins said @ @ @ @ @ safely distance herself from any decisions while at the Senate but feared that the risk @ @ @ @ @ decision was too great .
“ I was troubled and concerned by how many decisions @ @ @ @ @ said .
“ It did not feel safe to me.
” Collins said that she @ @ @ @ @ confident that the danger of being in the vicinity of a decision had clearly passed @ @ @ @ @ I hated making this decision , if it leads to me not making more decisions @ @ @ @ @ worth making , ” she said on a Zoom call with reporters , before muting @ @

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—One week after the United States Senate returned to session, Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, said that she would self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions.
Collins said that she had hoped to safely distance herself from any decisions while at the Senate but feared that the risk of accidental exposure to a decision was too great.
“I was troubled and concerned by how many decisions there were,” she said. “It did not feel safe to me.”
Collins said that she would self-quarantine until she is confident that the danger of being in the vicinity of a decision had clearly passed.
“As much as I hated making this decision, if it leads to me not making more decisions, it was a decision worth making,” she said on a Zoom call with reporters, before muting herself.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-13--Rand Paul Says Secret to Social Distancing Is Making Everyone Despise You

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Sharing helpful health tips with the American people , Senator Rand Paul said on @ @ @ @ @ social distancing is making everyone despise you .
“ People get all worried about whether @ @ @ @ @ feet away from them , ” Paul said .
“ The trick is , if @ @ @ @ @ jerkwad , people will stay much farther away from you than that.
” Paul also @ @ @ @ @ protects someone as well as saying incredibly asinine things does .
“ Airborne droplets can @ @ @ @ @ each other , ” Paul said .
“ If no one ever wants to talk @ @ @ @ @ ” He urged places of business in his home state of Kentucky to reopen as @ @ @ @ @ process that he volunteered to help safely facilitate .
“ If you reopen your restaurant @ @ @ @ @ , I will walk through the door and immediately clear it out , ” he @ @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharing helpful health tips with the American people, Senator Rand Paul said on Wednesday that the secret to social distancing is making everyone despise you.
“People get all worried about whether other people are staying six feet away from them,” Paul said. “The trick is, if you act like a total jerkwad, people will stay much farther away from you than that.”
Paul also questioned whether wearing a mask protects someone as well as saying incredibly asinine things does.
“Airborne droplets can spread by people talking to each other,” Paul said. “If no one ever wants to talk to you, problem solved.”
He urged places of business in his home state of Kentucky to reopen as soon as possible, a process that he volunteered to help safely facilitate. “If you reopen your restaurant and it gets too crowded, I will walk through the door and immediately clear it out,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-14--Trump Wishes He Could Replace Fauci with the Doctor Who Saved Him from Vietnam

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump wishes he could replace Anthony Fauci with the podiatrist who helped him avoid serving in the Vietnam War , Trump said on Thursday .
Speaking to reporters , Trump disparaged Fauci by arguing that he is not “ half the doctor ” that his former podiatrist was .
“ You tell Tony to do something , and he says he has to look at a bunch of numbers and charts first , and even then he maybe doesn ’ t do what you told him to , ” Trump complained .
“ @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to say I had bone spurs and , boom , ten minutes later you got the note.
” If his podiatrist were still alive , Trump said , “ I would tell him that the country was at war with coronavirus , and he would get me out of it , no questions asked.
” He also questioned whether Fauci was as medically qualified as his former podiatrist .
“ An epidemiologist like Tony specializes in just one thing , ” Trump said .
“ A podiatrist has to know about both feet @ @ @ @ @ @ @ knowledge , medically speaking.
” Trump grew emotional as he recalled the “ unbelievable service ” that his beloved podiatrist performed for him .
“ That doctor saved lives , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump wishes he could replace Anthony Fauci with the podiatrist who helped him avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Trump said on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters, Trump disparaged Fauci by arguing that he is not “half the doctor” that his former podiatrist was.
“You tell Tony to do something, and he says he has to look at a bunch of numbers and charts first, and even then he maybe doesn’t do what you told him to,” Trump complained. “You asked my foot doctor in Queens to say I had bone spurs and, boom, ten minutes later you got the note.”
If his podiatrist were still alive, Trump said, “I would tell him that the country was at war with coronavirus, and he would get me out of it, no questions asked.”
He also questioned whether Fauci was as medically qualified as his former podiatrist. “An epidemiologist like Tony specializes in just one thing,” Trump said. “A podiatrist has to know about both feet. That’s twice as much knowledge, medically speaking.”
Trump grew emotional as he recalled the “unbelievable service” that his beloved podiatrist performed for him. “That doctor saved lives,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-16--Trump Says Nation Will Have Vaccine Before It Sees His Taxes

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Making a solemn promise to the American people , Donald Trump vowed that the nation will have a coronavirus vaccine before it sees his tax returns .
“ People are saying that it takes a long time to see a vaccine , ” Trump said .
“ I say , not compared to how long it will take to see my taxes.
” Trump said that while there was a chance that Americans could have an effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of the year , the chance of their having a glimpse of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ zero .
“ Those are fantastic odds in favor of a vaccine , ” he beamed .
To insure that the nation gets a vaccine before it gets his taxes , Trump said he was launching an ambitious initiative called Operation Infinite Delay , to slow the disclosure of his taxes to a dead halt .
“ Eventually , my taxes will just go away , ” he predicted .
At the National Institutes of Health , Anthony Fauci was asked for his assessment of Trump ’ s forecast that a vaccine would @ @ @ @ @ @ @ This might be the first scientifically accurate thing he ’ s said , ” Fauci commented .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making a solemn promise to the American people, Donald Trump vowed that the nation will have a coronavirus vaccine before it sees his tax returns.
“People are saying that it takes a long time to see a vaccine,” Trump said. “I say, not compared to how long it will take to see my taxes.”
Trump said that while there was a chance that Americans could have an effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of the year, the chance of their having a glimpse of his tax returns by then sits at zero. “Those are fantastic odds in favor of a vaccine,” he beamed.
To insure that the nation gets a vaccine before it gets his taxes, Trump said he was launching an ambitious initiative called Operation Infinite Delay, to slow the disclosure of his taxes to a dead halt.
“Eventually, my taxes will just go away,” he predicted.
At the National Institutes of Health, Anthony Fauci was asked for his assessment of Trump’s forecast that a vaccine would be released before his taxes. “This might be the first scientifically accurate thing he’s said,” Fauci commented.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-18--New Test Indicates Hydroxychloroquine Causes Delusions

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —A new test of the drug hydroxychloroquine suggests that it may cause delusions , Dr. Anthony Fauci warned on Monday .
In a conference call with reporters , Fauci indicated that his findings were based on a preliminary test involving one white male subject in his seventies .
“ It ’ s too early to be definitive about this , but the evidence suggests that , if you are already prone to delusions , paranoid fantasies , and a generalized detachment from reality , taking hydroxychloroquine may only make those symptoms worse , ” @ @ @ @ @ @ @ if someone you know is taking hydroxychloroquine , “ Broach the subject with him very carefully and diplomatically .
Based on my findings , this person will not like being contradicted and is likely to fly off the handle.
” Additionally , because of the mind-altering effects of the drug , “ It ’ s important never to do what someone taking hydroxychloroquine tells you to do , ” Fauci said .
“ The only thing as dangerous as taking hydroxychloroquine is listening to someone who is taking hydroxychloroquine , ” he said @ @ @ @ @ @ @ madness .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new test of the drug hydroxychloroquine suggests that it may cause delusions, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned on Monday.
In a conference call with reporters, Fauci indicated that his findings were based on a preliminary test involving one white male subject in his seventies.
“It’s too early to be definitive about this, but the evidence suggests that, if you are already prone to delusions, paranoid fantasies, and a generalized detachment from reality, taking hydroxychloroquine may only make those symptoms worse,” he said.
Fauci said that, if someone you know is taking hydroxychloroquine, “Broach the subject with him very carefully and diplomatically. Based on my findings, this person will not like being contradicted and is likely to fly off the handle.”
Additionally, because of the mind-altering effects of the drug, “It’s important never to do what someone taking hydroxychloroquine tells you to do,” Fauci said.
“The only thing as dangerous as taking hydroxychloroquine is listening to someone who is taking hydroxychloroquine,” he said. “Therein lies the road to madness.”


theborowitzreport--2020-05-18--Trump Orders Pence to Start Picking Up Pompeo’s Laundry

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an effort to dampen the controversy over Secretary of State Mike Pompeo ’ s alleged use of a State Department employee to run personal errands , Donald J. Trump has ordered Mike Pence to start picking up Pompeo ’ s laundry , effective immediately .
In addition to his new laundry duties , Pence will be solely responsible for walking Pompeo ’ s dog and for what the White House described as “ light housework.
” Reportedly , Pence has already hit the ground running in his new role and is in talks @ @ @ @ @ @ @ shirts done .
Although assigning Pompeo ’ s errands to Pence appears to have solved one problem , it may have created a new one , because the Vice-President will no longer be available to perform the personal errands for Trump that have been his responsibility for the past three years , such as fetching cans of Diet Coke and replenishing the Oval Office ’ s supply of Sharpies .
According to a White House source , those tasks could ultimately fall to Trump ’ s son-in-law , Jared Kushner , should he @ @ @ @ @ @ @ messing up.
” While Pence ’ s appointment as Pompeo ’ s errand boy raised eyebrows in Washington , it drew the strong support of his fellow White House coronavirus-task-force member Dr. Anthony Fauci .
“ Anything that takes Mike Pence away from the coronavirus response is a great thing , ” Fauci said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to dampen the controversy over Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s alleged use of a State Department employee to run personal errands, Donald J. Trump has ordered Mike Pence to start picking up Pompeo’s laundry, effective immediately.
In addition to his new laundry duties, Pence will be solely responsible for walking Pompeo’s dog and for what the White House described as “light housework.”
Reportedly, Pence has already hit the ground running in his new role and is in talks with Pompeo about how he likes his shirts done.
Although assigning Pompeo’s errands to Pence appears to have solved one problem, it may have created a new one, because the Vice-President will no longer be available to perform the personal errands for Trump that have been his responsibility for the past three years, such as fetching cans of Diet Coke and replenishing the Oval Office’s supply of Sharpies.
According to a White House source, those tasks could ultimately fall to Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, should he prove capable of doing them “without messing up.”
While Pence’s appointment as Pompeo’s errand boy raised eyebrows in Washington, it drew the strong support of his fellow White House coronavirus-task-force member Dr. Anthony Fauci. “Anything that takes Mike Pence away from the coronavirus response is a great thing,” Fauci said.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-20--Trump Fears Painting of Obama at White House Would Spy on Him

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald Trump is terrified of hanging an official portrait of former President Barack Obama @ @ @ @ @ he is convinced that the painting would spy on him , a White House source @ @ @ @ @ the source , when Trump was informed that unveiling a portrait of his predecessor was @ @ @ @ @ , “ he totally freaked out.
” “ You know what will happen , ” @ @ @ @ @ That painting will be able to see and hear everything I do.
” In an @ @ @ @ @ explained that the painting of Obama , having collected damaging information about him , would @ @ @ @ @ that information on to former Vice-President Joe Biden .
Suddenly afraid that the White House @ @ @ @ @ traitorous paintings , Trump demanded that the portraits of all former Presidents who might betray @ @ @ @ @ “ The only one who made the cut was Nixon , ” the source said @

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump is terrified of hanging an official portrait of former President Barack Obama at the White House because he is convinced that the painting would spy on him, a White House source has confirmed.
According to the source, when Trump was informed that unveiling a portrait of his predecessor was a storied White House tradition, “he totally freaked out.”
“You know what will happen,” Trump reportedly said. “That painting will be able to see and hear everything I do.”
In an increasingly paranoid rant, Trump explained that the painting of Obama, having collected damaging information about him, would then be able to pass that information on to former Vice-President Joe Biden.
Suddenly afraid that the White House corridors were lined with potentially traitorous paintings, Trump demanded that the portraits of all former Presidents who might betray him be removed immediately.
“The only one who made the cut was Nixon,” the source said.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-24--Fauci Urges Trump to Remain on Golf Course Until Pandemic Is Over

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Sharply disagreeing with critics of Donald J. Trump ’ s weekend visit to the Trump National Golf Club , Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged Trump to remain on the golf course until the pandemic is over .
“ The people who are giving you a hard time about your golf trip are just haters , ” Fauci told Trump on Sunday .
“ It ’ s in the best interest of everyone in the country that you keep golfing , Mr. President.
” Trump was reportedly surprised by the doctor ’ s words of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ had limited the President ’ s ability to communicate with Fauci , the Centers for Disease Control , and other scientists involved in the coronavirus response .
“ It ’ s been tough without you , but we are doing the best we can , ” Fauci said .
“ After all the hard work you ’ ve done , you deserve months and months and months of golfing.
” Fauci also recommended that Trump throw away his phone , stop talking to the press , and not tell anyone about the great @ @ @ @ @ @ @ about using lawn fertilizer to protect people from the coronavirus .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharply disagreeing with critics of Donald J. Trump’s weekend visit to the Trump National Golf Club, Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged Trump to remain on the golf course until the pandemic is over.
“The people who are giving you a hard time about your golf trip are just haters,” Fauci told Trump on Sunday. “It’s in the best interest of everyone in the country that you keep golfing, Mr. President.”
“Please,” he added.
Trump was reportedly surprised by the doctor’s words of encouragement, especially because the golf trip had limited the President’s ability to communicate with Fauci, the Centers for Disease Control, and other scientists involved in the coronavirus response.
“It’s been tough without you, but we are doing the best we can,” Fauci said. “After all the hard work you’ve done, you deserve months and months and months of golfing.”
Fauci also recommended that Trump throw away his phone, stop talking to the press, and not tell anyone about the great idea he had on the golf course about using lawn fertilizer to protect people from the coronavirus.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-27--Trump Lashes Out at Spell-Check for Treating Him Unfairly

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Accusing it of treating him “ very unfairly , ” Donald Trump lashed out @ @ @ @ @ used spelling tool spell-check .
“ Almost every time I type a word , spell-check @ @ @ @ @ under it , ” he tweeted .
“ It never put a red squiggly line @ @ @ @ @ ” “ Spell-check is rigged against conservatives , ” he charged .
Trump accused spell-check @ @ @ @ @ Amendment rights by interfering with what he called “ freedom of spelling.
” “ Freedom @ @ @ @ @ the Conitution , ” he wrote .
In his most direct threat to the spelling @ @ @ @ @ , if spell-check did not stop putting red squiggly lines under his words , he @ @ @ @ @ ” Trump also said that he was in talks with the Education Secretary , Betsy @ @ @ @ @ altogether .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Accusing it of treating him “very unfairly,” Donald Trump lashed out on Wednesday at the widely used spelling tool spell-check.
“Almost every time I type a word, spell-check puts a red squiggly line under it,” he tweeted. “It never put a red squiggly line under Obama’s words.”
“Spell-check is rigged against conservatives,” he charged.
Trump accused spell-check of infringing on his First Amendment rights by interfering with what he called “freedom of spelling.”
“Freedom of Spelling is guaranteed by the Conitution,” he wrote.
In his most direct threat to the spelling tool, he warned that, if spell-check did not stop putting red squiggly lines under his words, he would “close it down.”
Trump also said that he was in talks with the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, about eliminating spelling altogether.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-27--Trump Demands That Republican Convention Move from North Carolina to Moscow

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an escalation of his spat with Roy Cooper , the Democratic governor of @ @ @ @ @ is demanding that the 2020 Republican National Convention relocate from Charlotte to Moscow .
“ @ @ @ @ @ every step of the way , and meanwhile Moscow has always been very helpful to @ @ @ @ @ , in one of a series of early-morning tweets .
Additionally , Trump argued , @ @ @ @ @ Moscow would save the Republicans millions in airfare .
“ The most important people working @ @ @ @ @ already be there , ” he tweeted .
Finally , he claimed , Moscow boasts @ @ @ @ @ that sad city of losers , Charlotte.
” “ I have fantastic memories of the @ @ @ @ @ wrote .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an escalation of his spat with Roy Cooper, the Democratic governor of North Carolina, Donald Trump is demanding that the 2020 Republican National Convention relocate from Charlotte to Moscow.
“North Carolina has been difficult every step of the way, and meanwhile Moscow has always been very helpful to me,” Trump wrote, in one of a series of early-morning tweets.
Additionally, Trump argued, moving the R.N.C. to Moscow would save the Republicans millions in airfare. “The most important people working on our 2020 campaign will already be there,” he tweeted.
Finally, he claimed, Moscow boasts far better accommodations than “that sad city of losers, Charlotte.”
“I have fantastic memories of the Moscow Ritz,” Trump wrote.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-28--Twitter’s Servers Burst Into Flames After Attempting to Fact-Check All of Trump’s Tweets

SAN FRANCISCO ( The Borowitz Report ) —Servers belonging to the social-media platform Twitter burst into flames on Thursday , @ @ @ @ @ fact-check all of Donald Trump ’ s tweets .
“ We knew that fact-checking Trump @ @ @ @ @ to put a strain on our system , ” Jack Dorsey , the C.E.O .
@ @ @ @ @ “ We had no idea that it would result in columns of fire shooting forty @ @ @ @ @ Reportedly , an explosion in the server fact-checking Trump ’ s tweets about Joe Scarborough @ @ @ @ @ spread to a server furiously vetting his tweets about Barack Obama .
Fire trucks rushed @ @ @ @ @ the inferno , which San Francisco officials called the largest fact-checking-related fire incident in the @ @ @ @ @ While no one was injured in the conflagration , Dorsey quietly shelved plans to fact-check @ @ @ @ @ Jr. , ’ s tweets .

SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Servers belonging to the social-media platform Twitter burst into flames on Thursday, after the company attempted to fact-check all of Donald Trump’s tweets.
“We knew that fact-checking Trump’s tweets was going to put a strain on our system,” Jack Dorsey, the C.E.O. of Twitter, said. “We had no idea that it would result in columns of fire shooting forty feet into the air.”
Reportedly, an explosion in the server fact-checking Trump’s tweets about Joe Scarborough ignited a blaze that quickly spread to a server furiously vetting his tweets about Barack Obama.
Fire trucks rushed to Twitter headquarters to extinguish the inferno, which San Francisco officials called the largest fact-checking-related fire incident in the city’s history.
While no one was injured in the conflagration, Dorsey quietly shelved plans to fact-check all of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s tweets.


theborowitzreport--2020-05-29--Nation Astonished by Spectacle of Twitter Management Demonstrating Responsibility

SAN FRANCISCO ( The Borowitz Report ) —Reacting to a bizarre development that no one saw coming , Americans this week have been dumbfounded by the unfathomable spectacle of Twitter ’ s senior management demonstrating responsibility .
In interviews across the country , people from all walks of life expressed shock and disbelief that Twitter executives appeared to recognize that their social-media platform was a potentially destructive entity that required a modicum of oversight from those supposedly running it .
“ At first , when I saw that they were fact-checking tweets , I thought it was some kind of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Twitter user from Topeka , said .
“ But then when they started hiding tweets for glorifying violence , I was , like , O.K.
, this is getting weird.
” “ It almost seems like Twitter has been taken over by someone like Bill Gates or George Soros , ” Harland Dorrinson , a user from Phoenix , said .
“ I would tweet something about that , but I ’ m afraid they might fact-check it.
” Tracy Klugian , a securities analyst who has been on Twitter since its inception @ @ @ @ @ @ @ even modest signs of adult responsibility , the company is “ heading down a slippery slope.
” “ Today it ’ s falsehoods and incitements to violence , but what will it be tomorrow ?
” he said .
“ Will Twitter start policing racists , misogynists , and Nazis ?
Their entire business model is at risk .
”

SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to a bizarre development that no one saw coming, Americans this week have been dumbfounded by the unfathomable spectacle of Twitter’s senior management demonstrating responsibility.
In interviews across the country, people from all walks of life expressed shock and disbelief that Twitter executives appeared to recognize that their social-media platform was a potentially destructive entity that required a modicum of oversight from those supposedly running it.
“At first, when I saw that they were fact-checking tweets, I thought it was some kind of fluke,” Carol Foyler, a Twitter user from Topeka, said. “But then when they started hiding tweets for glorifying violence, I was, like, O.K., this is getting weird.”
“It almost seems like Twitter has been taken over by someone like Bill Gates or George Soros,” Harland Dorrinson, a user from Phoenix, said. “I would tweet something about that, but I’m afraid they might fact-check it.”
Tracy Klugian, a securities analyst who has been on Twitter since its inception, expressed concern that, by exhibiting even modest signs of adult responsibility, the company is “heading down a slippery slope.”
“Today it’s falsehoods and incitements to violence, but what will it be tomorrow?” he said. “Will Twitter start policing racists, misogynists, and Nazis? Their entire business model is at risk.”


theborowitzreport--2020-05-30--Angela Merkel Practices Social Distancing by Staying Four Thousand Miles Away from Trump

BERLIN ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an effort to practice social distancing , the German Chancellor , Angela Merkel , is staying four thousand miles away from Donald Trump , Merkel has confirmed .
Merkel ’ s decision to decline Trump ’ s invitation to a possible meeting of the G-7 in Washington was based “ entirely on science , ” Merkel told reporters .
“ Epidemiologists have recommended that , in order to be safe , one should social-distance by six feet , ” she said .
“ It only stands to reason that I will be even @ @ @ @ @ @ @ feet.
” Merkel said that she was taking the extremely cautious social-distancing measures regarding Trump because of “ the danger posed by being in proximity to someone who speaks so loudly and incessantly.
” “ His mouth is like a firehose of droplets , ” she said , shuddering .
Asked whether she would reconsider a White House visit if Trump agreed to wear a mask , she said , “ Donald Trump with a mask is clearly a big improvement over Donald Trump without a mask , but no.
” The German @ @ @ @ @ @ @ a trip to the Oval Office if “ events on the ground change , ” most likely in January of 2021 .

BERLIN (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to practice social distancing, the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, is staying four thousand miles away from Donald Trump, Merkel has confirmed.
Merkel’s decision to decline Trump’s invitation to a possible meeting of the G-7 in Washington was based “entirely on science,” Merkel told reporters.
“Epidemiologists have recommended that, in order to be safe, one should social-distance by six feet,” she said. “It only stands to reason that I will be even safer if I social-distance by twenty-one million feet.”
Merkel said that she was taking the extremely cautious social-distancing measures regarding Trump because of “the danger posed by being in proximity to someone who speaks so loudly and incessantly.”
“His mouth is like a firehose of droplets,” she said, shuddering.
Asked whether she would reconsider a White House visit if Trump agreed to wear a mask, she said, “Donald Trump with a mask is clearly a big improvement over Donald Trump without a mask, but no.”
The German leader added that she could envision making a trip to the Oval Office if “events on the ground change,” most likely in January of 2021.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-01--Study: Many of Nation’s Problems Could Be Solved by Having a President

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —A controversial new study suggests that the United States of America could benefit from having a President .
The study has raised eyebrows by claiming that a President could be helpful in unifying a country and , in a best-case scenario , providing moral leadership .
“ At a time of crisis , a President could be a galvanizing figure who leads a country to a better future , ” the study theorizes .
“ He or she could bring a nation together rather than tear it apart.
” In one of the study @ @ @ @ @ @ @ argues that a so-called Justice Department could include an Attorney General appointed by the President to uphold the rule of law .
“ Additionally , a President , by scrupulously obeying the law himself , could set an example for the rest of the country , ” the study claims .
“ As improbable as it might seem , citizens would look to the President as someone to admire and emulate in their daily lives.
” While many in the United States remain resistant to the concept of having a President , the @ @ @ @ @ @ @ them to consider such an unorthodox measure .
“ We have ample evidence of what happens when a country does not have a President , ” the study concludes .
“ It ’ s a shit show .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A controversial new study suggests that the United States of America could benefit from having a President.
The study has raised eyebrows by claiming that a President could be helpful in unifying a country and, in a best-case scenario, providing moral leadership.
“At a time of crisis, a President could be a galvanizing figure who leads a country to a better future,” the study theorizes. “He or she could bring a nation together rather than tear it apart.”
In one of the study’s most radical proposals, it argues that a so-called Justice Department could include an Attorney General appointed by the President to uphold the rule of law.
“Additionally, a President, by scrupulously obeying the law himself, could set an example for the rest of the country,” the study claims. “As improbable as it might seem, citizens would look to the President as someone to admire and emulate in their daily lives.”
While many in the United States remain resistant to the concept of having a President, the study says that desperate times may lead them to consider such an unorthodox measure.
“We have ample evidence of what happens when a country does not have a President,” the study concludes. “It’s a shit show.”


theborowitzreport--2020-06-03--Trump Says Inspection Revealed Bunker Was Dusty Because Obama Never Used It

WASHINGTON , D.C. ( The Borowitz Report ) —After conducting a thorough “ inspection ” of the White House bunker on Friday night , Donald J. Trump discovered that the underground facility was covered in dust because Barack Obama never used it , Trump has confirmed .
“ There were dust bunnies everywhere , ” Trump told reporters .
“ Obama was President for eight years , and he didn ’ t set foot in that bunker once.
” “ Here you have a world-class bunker , maybe the best bunker in the world , and Obama didn ’ t @ @ @ @ @ @ @ Trump said .
“ I think that ’ s very disrespectful to the bunker.
” Trump said that he opened the bunker ’ s fridge and found it “ stocked to the brim with soft drinks , totally untouched.
” “ What kind of a person has a well-stocked bunker and just stays upstairs at his desk working ?
” Trump asked .
“ A bad or sick guy.
” Trump noted that , in addition to his failure to avail himself of an “ amazing bunker , ” Obama never once used @ @ @ @ @ @ @ entire time in office .
“ I don ’ t even know why Obama wanted to be President , ” Trump said .
“ Obama is a mess .
”

WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—After conducting a thorough “inspection” of the White House bunker on Friday night, Donald J. Trump discovered that the underground facility was covered in dust because Barack Obama never used it, Trump has confirmed.
“There were dust bunnies everywhere,” Trump told reporters. “Obama was President for eight years, and he didn’t set foot in that bunker once.”
“Here you have a world-class bunker, maybe the best bunker in the world, and Obama didn’t use it, even once?” Trump said. “I think that’s very disrespectful to the bunker.”
Trump said that he opened the bunker’s fridge and found it “stocked to the brim with soft drinks, totally untouched.”
“What kind of a person has a well-stocked bunker and just stays upstairs at his desk working?” Trump asked. “A bad or sick guy.”
Trump noted that, in addition to his failure to avail himself of an “amazing bunker,” Obama never once used the Insurrection Act of 1807 in his entire time in office.
“I don’t even know why Obama wanted to be President,” Trump said. “Obama is a mess.”


theborowitzreport--2020-06-04--Trump’s Bleach Moment Now Seeming Like Career High Point

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Donald J. Trump ’ s widely ridiculed musing about the healing powers of household disinfectants now seems like a career high point , according to prominent historians .
While Trump ’ s suggestion that ingesting bleach could treat the coronavirus appeared , at the time , to be a catastrophic misstep , his actions in recent days have forced many historians to revise that assessment , Davis Logsdon , a Presidential historian , said .
“ This week , we ’ ve seen Trump tear-gas peaceful protesters , offend religious leaders by using a @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to use the military against the American people , ” Logsdon said .
“ In retrospect , suggesting that people ingest Clorox and put ultraviolet lights inside their bodies seems like the act of a responsible public servant.
” Logsdon added that , with unrest roiling the nation and unemployment soaring to levels not seen since the Great Depression , “ Trump ’ s best bet may be to remind the American people , ‘ I ’ m the man who told you to drink bleach.
’ ” “ All things considered , @ @ @ @ @ @ @ ” the historian said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s widely ridiculed musing about the healing powers of household disinfectants now seems like a career high point, according to prominent historians.
While Trump’s suggestion that ingesting bleach could treat the coronavirus appeared, at the time, to be a catastrophic misstep, his actions in recent days have forced many historians to revise that assessment, Davis Logsdon, a Presidential historian, said.
“This week, we’ve seen Trump tear-gas peaceful protesters, offend religious leaders by using a Bible as a prop, and threaten to use the military against the American people,” Logsdon said. “In retrospect, suggesting that people ingest Clorox and put ultraviolet lights inside their bodies seems like the act of a responsible public servant.”
Logsdon added that, with unrest roiling the nation and unemployment soaring to levels not seen since the Great Depression, “Trump’s best bet may be to remind the American people, ‘I’m the man who told you to drink bleach.’ ”
“All things considered, that may be his finest hour,” the historian said.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-05--Trump Claims That Wall Around White House Is to Prevent Staff from Quitting En Masse

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Lashing out at critics who have charged him with building a wall around the @ @ @ @ @ from peaceful protesters , Donald Trump claimed on Friday that the purpose of the wall @ @ @ @ @ quitting en masse .
“ The wall is not to keep people out .
It @ @ @ @ @ in , ” Trump angrily told reporters .
“ If anyone thinks he ’ s @ @ @ @ @ House , he ’ s going to have to climb over a ten-foot wall first.
@ @ @ @ @ was considering invoking the Insurrection Act of 1807 to put down further rebellions by the @ @ @ @ @ Esper .
“ Between the wall and the Insurrection Act , no one is getting @ @ @ @ @ .
“ No one.
” Trump also dismissed reports that he had spent much of @ @ @ @ @ desk .
“ I have been inspecting the area under my desk , ” he @ @ @ @ @ no problems .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Lashing out at critics who have charged him with building a wall around the White House to protect himself from peaceful protesters, Donald Trump claimed on Friday that the purpose of the wall is to prevent staffers from quitting en masse.
“The wall is not to keep people out. It’s to keep people in,” Trump angrily told reporters. “If anyone thinks he’s going to quit this White House, he’s going to have to climb over a ten-foot wall first.”
Trump added that he was considering invoking the Insurrection Act of 1807 to put down further rebellions by the Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper.
“Between the wall and the Insurrection Act, no one is getting out,” he said. “No one.”
Trump also dismissed reports that he had spent much of the week hiding under his desk.
“I have been inspecting the area under my desk,” he said. “There are no problems.”


theborowitzreport--2020-06-07--Putin Rejects Trump’s Request for Ten Thousand Russian Troops to Guard White House

MOSCOW ( The Borowitz Report ) —Vladimir Putin has rejected Donald J. Trump ’ s request for ten thousand active-duty @ @ @ @ @ the perimeter around the White House , Administration and Kremlin sources have confirmed .
After @ @ @ @ @ U.S. troops was rebuffed by Defense Secretary Mark Esper and General Mark Milley , Trump @ @ @ @ @ ’ ll call Vlad , ” and stormed out of the meeting with the two @ @ @ @ @ ’ s disappointment , however , his request for Russian troops met with a chilly @ @ @ @ @ would be terrible , ” Putin reportedly told him .
“ Worse than that crazy @ @ @ @ @ Bible .
Really , you need to get a grip.
” According to White House @ @ @ @ @ phoned the North Korean leader , Kim Jong Un , but his calls have gone @ @ @ @ @

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin has rejected Donald J. Trump’s request for ten thousand active-duty Russian Army troops to guard the perimeter around the White House, Administration and Kremlin sources have confirmed.
After Trump’s call for U.S. troops was rebuffed by Defense Secretary Mark Esper and General Mark Milley, Trump reportedly snapped, “I’ll call Vlad,” and stormed out of the meeting with the two men.
Much to Trump’s disappointment, however, his request for Russian troops met with a chilly response.
“The optics would be terrible,” Putin reportedly told him. “Worse than that crazy thing you did with the Bible. Really, you need to get a grip.”
According to White House sources, Trump has subsequently phoned the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un, but his calls have gone straight to voice mail.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-08--Furious Trump Declares Romney Not Welcome in Bunker

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Furious at Mitt Romney for participating in a Black Lives Matter march , Donald J. Trump declared on Monday that the Utah senator is “ not welcome in my bunker.
” “ Mitt Romney thinks he ’ s cute , first voting to impeach me and now marching , ” Trump told reporters .
“ Well , I ’ ve got news for Mitt : his invitation to my bunker is hereby revoked.
” Trump said that , because of his disloyalty , Romney “ will never experience all that the best bunker in @ @ @ @ @ @ @ There are luxury recliners , televisions as far as the eye can see , and a bottomless pit of snacks , ” Trump boasted .
“ If Mitt could see what he ’ s missing , I ’ ll bet he ’ d rethink some of the cute things he ’ s done.
” Trump said that he was reviewing the behavior of other officials , such as Defense Secretary Mark Esper , to determine whether they will retain their bunker privileges .
“ I ’ m not sure Esper is bunker material @ @ @ @ @ @ @ remarks , Trump said that there will be a photo of Romney at the entrance to the bunker in order to enable the Secret Service to bar the Utah senator , should he try to gain admission .
“ Sorry , Mitt , ” Trump sneered .
“ People like you don ’ t belong in a bunker .
I do .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Furious at Mitt Romney for participating in a Black Lives Matter march, Donald J. Trump declared on Monday that the Utah senator is “not welcome in my bunker.”
“Mitt Romney thinks he’s cute, first voting to impeach me and now marching,” Trump told reporters. “Well, I’ve got news for Mitt: his invitation to my bunker is hereby revoked.”
Trump said that, because of his disloyalty, Romney “will never experience all that the best bunker in the world has to offer.”
“There are luxury recliners, televisions as far as the eye can see, and a bottomless pit of snacks,” Trump boasted. “If Mitt could see what he’s missing, I’ll bet he’d rethink some of the cute things he’s done.”
Trump said that he was reviewing the behavior of other officials, such as Defense Secretary Mark Esper, to determine whether they will retain their bunker privileges.
“I’m not sure Esper is bunker material,” he mused.
Concluding his remarks, Trump said that there will be a photo of Romney at the entrance to the bunker in order to enable the Secret Service to bar the Utah senator, should he try to gain admission.
“Sorry, Mitt,” Trump sneered. “People like you don’t belong in a bunker. I do.”


theborowitzreport--2020-06-09--Trump Puts Nation on Alert for Terrorists Posing as Peaceful Seventy-Five-Year-Olds

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —Announcing that he was putting the nation on a “ double-red threat level , @ @ @ @ @ the American people on Tuesday to be on the lookout for terrorists posing as peaceful @ @ @ @ @ these terrorists was already identified by the police in Buffalo , ” Trump said .
@ @ @ @ @ to your town next.
” Trump listed some “ telltale signs of Antifa , ” @ @ @ @ @ identify septuagenarian terrorists in their midst .
“ If the person appears to be seventy-five @ @ @ @ @ hair and a peaceful demeanor , call the authorities immediately , ” Trump said .
@ @ @ @ @ are infiltrating American society “ everywhere , ” even on Zoom .
“ If you @ @ @ @ @ family and an elderly person suddenly appears with a friendly smile , a string of @ @ @ @ @ ‘ Grandma , ’ you have been attacked by Antifa , ” he said .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Announcing that he was putting the nation on a “double-red threat level,” Donald J. Trump warned the American people on Tuesday to be on the lookout for terrorists posing as peaceful seventy-five-year-olds.
“One of these terrorists was already identified by the police in Buffalo,” Trump said. “They may be coming to your town next.”
Trump listed some “telltale signs of Antifa,” in order to help Americans identify septuagenarian terrorists in their midst.
“If the person appears to be seventy-five or older, with white hair and a peaceful demeanor, call the authorities immediately,” Trump said.
He warned that Antifa terrorists are infiltrating American society “everywhere,” even on Zoom.
“If you are on Zoom with your family and an elderly person suddenly appears with a friendly smile, a string of pearls, and the nickname ‘Grandma,’ you have been attacked by Antifa,” he said.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-11--Trump Blasts Milley: “This Is Not the Military I Avoided Serving In”

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In a series of angry tweets on Thursday , Donald J. Trump lashed out at the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff , General Mark Milley , declaring , “ This is not the military I avoided serving in.
” Calling Milley ’ s apology for appearing in last week ’ s controversial church photo op “ a disgrace , ” Trump said , “ The United States military of my youth was known for courage and valor , which is why I got a podiatrist ’ s note to get out of @ @ @ @ @ @ @ that episode from a half century ago , Trump said , “ As I watched my podiatrist dictate that note , I thought about the great institution of the U.S. military , which I would be exempted from participating in .
That institution is unrecognizable today.
” With his apology , Trump claimed , “ Mark Milley has besmirched the memories of all the Americans who fought so hard to avoid fighting.
” In his most caustic broadside against Milley , Trump questioned the general ’ s ability to lead U.S. forces and @ @ @ @ @ @ @ “ someone else ” to launch the American invasion of Seattle .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of angry tweets on Thursday, Donald J. Trump lashed out at the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Mark Milley, declaring, “This is not the military I avoided serving in.”
Calling Milley’s apology for appearing in last week’s controversial church photo op “a disgrace,” Trump said, “The United States military of my youth was known for courage and valor, which is why I got a podiatrist’s note to get out of being a part of it.”
Recalling that episode from a half century ago, Trump said, “As I watched my podiatrist dictate that note, I thought about the great institution of the U.S. military, which I would be exempted from participating in. That institution is unrecognizable today.”
With his apology, Trump claimed, “Mark Milley has besmirched the memories of all the Americans who fought so hard to avoid fighting.”
In his most caustic broadside against Milley, Trump questioned the general’s ability to lead U.S. forces and said that he might have to find “someone else” to launch the American invasion of Seattle.


theborowitzreport--2020-06-13--Trump Boasts That He Has Much Higher TV Ratings Than Lincoln

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In his latest attack on the nation ’ s sixteenth President , Donald Trump boasted on Saturday that his television ratings were “ much higher ” than Abraham Lincoln ’ s .
“ If you put my TV ratings side by side with Lincoln ’ s , there ’ s no comparison , ” Trump told Fox News .
“ Honest Abe would want me to be honest about it , and , honestly , his ratings were terrible.
” Trump argued that Lincoln ’ s television ratings were especially poor “ when you @ @ @ @ @ @ @ to compete with Netflix and Amazon , like I have to.
” “ Abraham Lincoln had zero competition and he still couldn ’ t get a decent number , ” Trump said .
“ He might have been O.K .
at some other things , but he was a total loser on TV.
” Theorizing about Lincoln ’ s poor ratings performance , Trump mused that “ it might have been the beard.
” “ People don ’ t like to look at people with beards on TV , ” he said .
@ @ @ @ @ @ @ but that ’ s different .
If I was advising Lincoln , I would say , ‘ Abe , lose the beard .
It ’ s making you look like a joker.
’ I wish I had been alive back then .
I could have given Lincoln all kinds of good advice .
It ’ s sad how bad he was .
”

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest attack on the nation’s sixteenth President, Donald Trump boasted on Saturday that his television ratings were “much higher” than Abraham Lincoln’s.
“If you put my TV ratings side by side with Lincoln’s, there’s no comparison,” Trump told Fox News. “Honest Abe would want me to be honest about it, and, honestly, his ratings were terrible.”
Trump argued that Lincoln’s television ratings were especially poor “when you consider that he didn’t have to compete with Netflix and Amazon, like I have to.”
“Abraham Lincoln had zero competition and he still couldn’t get a decent number,” Trump said. “He might have been O.K. at some other things, but he was a total loser on TV.”
Theorizing about Lincoln’s poor ratings performance, Trump mused that “it might have been the beard.”
“People don’t like to look at people with beards on TV,” he said. “Tom Selleck has a mustache, but that’s different. If I was advising Lincoln, I would say, ‘Abe, lose the beard. It’s making you look like a joker.’ I wish I had been alive back then. I could have given Lincoln all kinds of good advice. It’s sad how bad he was.”


theborowitzreport--2020-06-15--Mitch McConnell Gently Donald Tells Trump Why He Can’t Fire Neil Gorsuch

WASHINGTON ( The Borowitz Report ) —In an Oval Office meeting described as “ tense , ” the Senate Majority @ @ @ @ @ explained to Donald J. Trump why he can not fire Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch @ @ @ @ @ McConnell rushed to the White House after being informed of Trump ’ s plan to @ @ @ @ @ with the Fox News host Jeanine Pirro .
In the Oval Office , Trump adamantly @ @ @ @ @ I hire someone , I have the right to fire him if he turns out @ @ @ @ @ McConnell slowly and carefully explained that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life , but @ @ @ @ @ position .
“ I can fire this Neil Gorsuch joker just like I fired Jeff @ @ @ @ @ ” Trump said , adding that he planned to add a ramp outside the Supreme @ @ @ @ @ s departure .

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an Oval Office meeting described as “tense,” the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, explained to Donald J. Trump why he cannot fire Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch.
According to sources, McConnell rushed to the White House after being informed of Trump’s plan to terminate Gorsuch and replace him with the Fox News host Jeanine Pirro.
In the Oval Office, Trump adamantly told McConnell, “When I hire someone, I have the right to fire him if he turns out to be a jerk.”
McConnell slowly and carefully explained that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life, but Trump refused to accept this position.
“I can fire this Neil Gorsuch joker just like I fired Jeff Sessions and Gary Busey,” Trump said, adding that he planned to add a ramp outside the Supreme Court to speed Gorsuch’s departure.